# How to stop comparing yourself to someone he’s having an emotional relationship with



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

My husband had been recently involved in an emotional affair with someone on Instagram . While I thought it was only a one time DM turned out to be more and that he’s been “ casually” so her says talking to her .
the woman is not really very pretty in my opinion but she did get what seems like a boob job and tummy tuck, so yes she has a great body.
my husband has been liking her photos , many of them for months now and I did not even know . I know it’s not a big deal and he says it’s nothing but I can’t help comparing myself because now I feel this is what he’s after with this woman .
for years he’s told me how he loved my body as is because I was more real and that my body was because I had his children .
for years I believed this and now I realize he is t any different than any other man… he’s still after what is more pleasing to look at .. and I get it but now I feel like I’m constantly trying to compete with this ideal he looks at.
He told me his DMs are over and we are trying to work on our relationship now but I can’t get past thinking of what he was talking about with this woman .. he is very vague and only told me they only talked about “ random” stuff and says he does not remember because it was no big deal .
I know this is a lie but I can’t force him to tell me .
For now I am left wondering what really went on and also constantly feeling I’m not good enough after this happens behind my back .
I know it’s nothing physical but it still feels like betrayal either way.
I’m not sure if it’s something that would bother anyone else ? But it certianly bothers me . 
Now I feel like I’m always triggered that he’s still doing this.. I feel like I’m constantly looking at that woman’s account watching if he’s liking or commenting again, he isn’t because I caught him but didn’t mean I can prove he’s stopped there DMs. however I am still constantly trying to compare myself and feel so betrayed he’s looking at someone else


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cheaters lie a lot. Sorry


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Don’t water that grass. Don’t give her too much mental space. I know you must be feeling really low, I understand that.

But you’ve got more allure than her. She’s probably chatting to tonnes of men, and has plenty of time to take 50 photos, and filter and edit the 3 that probably look ok. She doesn’t look the way she looks in those photos!

So what’s your allure? Firstly, you don’t have the time to faff around in crop tops taking pictures. Because you’re busy raising kids, being a wife, maybe working.

I say to every woman, find your lipstick shade. It’s a small thing, but get to Chanel or Dior, find your colour. It will be the best $60 you’ll spend. Put that on and look at yourself in the mirror. And a really good pair of shoes. And walk your walk, whatever that is, you’ve got it. Give yourself a morning ritual that’s just for you. I promise it’s a small start to bigger things.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Has he come off Instagram? He clearly can't be trusted on it. 
Yes it would bother me, a lot. It's not something a married man should be doing.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i would say this woman that posts on Instagram is a small part of what is wrong ,
how is the rest of your relationship 
how is your sex drive and how is that in relationship to his , 
how good is the contact between you


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My wife would be furious. My mental sex space should belong to my wife. Anything else is a step in the wrong direction. Don’t get me wrong I’m a man that likes women a lot but looking and contacting are two different things. I don’t blame you for being upset.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He clearly has no boundaries with the opposite sex.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So why on EARTH would you choose to stay and invest an *ounce* of effort and emotion into someone who can't even be honest with you?

Don't try to blow that question off with a bunch of self-deluded nonsense just because you want to stay with him at all costs. It's a fair question - answer it honestly.


----------



## Mashxterra (Sep 21, 2021)

What’s good for the goose...... there are millions of hot ripped men to follow on Instagram and they love attention just like women, send a dm to one you think is hot and like all his pictures....just cause you’re married doesn’t mean you‘re dead. You have more power than you think, set your boundaries and stick to them! You can do it!


----------



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> i would say this woman that posts on Instagram is a small part of what is wrong ,
> how is the rest of your relationship
> how is your sex drive and how is that in relationship to his ,
> how good is the contact between you
> [/QUOTE


Actually the past year I have been quite ill and had no energy and our sex life suffered , but even if this was the case why would he jump to messaging someone just like that ?! I found this out by sheer accident because my gut feeling was telling me to look into who he follows on Instagram and when I did I realized there were over 100 women who’s accounts are nothing but bikinis . Mind you they aren’t models but normal people, so I suppose he can feel they are more Attainable?? 
anyway ever since this , I’ve been constantly unable to stop wondering if he just isn’t attracted to me .. I asked and he said that wasn’t the case that it was a pot lapse in judgement , I don’t know how to ever get past it .
We’ve been married for a long time and I do still care for him , I don’t know how to forgive him to be able to move on


----------



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Has he come off Instagram? He clearly can't be trusted on it.
> Yes it would bother me, a lot. It's not something a married man should be doing.


He unfollowed ALL questionable women apart from family and close friends his account follows are very PG13 now .. not to say he isn’t looking or DMing .. I suppose that part is hard to know . All I get is his reassurance he isn’t doing it anymore — I have to be honest that each time his phone rings or gets a message it triggers me so badly I start having anxiety .
It’s horrible


----------



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> My wife would be furious. My mental sex space should belong to my wife. Anything else is a step in the wrong direction. Don’t get me wrong I’m a man that likes women a lot but looking and contacting are two different things. I don’t blame you for being upset.


Well that’s how I though this whole thing worked until he felt the need to do what he did and calls us “ casual” conversation…. Yet can’t remember what conversation it was !! 
I know the intent is there and had this woman accepted his advances it could hav been way worse. 
the fact that he put himself in that situation is what gets to me
For me my self esteem is shot and my trust is shattered … I don’t know how I can move on past this . I know it isn’t a physical thing but it hurts nonetheless


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Due to the fact you are scared to leave him you will only self mutilate your own self respect little by little. Your going to look in the mirror and dislike what you became. He is pretty much slapping you in the face and if you believe he has quit then your in denial.

You bet it hurts ... trust is gone.


----------



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Has he come off Instagram? He clearly can't be trusted on it.
> Yes it would bother me, a lot. It's not something a married man should be doing.


This unfortunately wouldn’t even be a solution. He could easily login on a browser, use a friends phone, or make a new account. He’s broken their trust and has shown he doesn’t respect their commitment to each other.


----------



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Savannah01 said:


> He unfollowed ALL questionable women apart from family and close friends his account follows are very PG13 now .. not to say he isn’t looking or DMing .. I suppose that part is hard to know . All I get is his reassurance he isn’t doing it anymore — I have to be honest that each time his phone rings or gets a message it triggers me so badly I start having anxiety .
> It’s horrible


I really hope you do some soul searching and ask yourself why you are giving him a chance to remain married to you. What positive qualities offset this betrayal?

You deserve bliss and this isn’t it.


----------



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> This unfortunately wouldn’t even be a solution. He could easily login on a browser, use a friends phone, or make a new account. He’s broken their trust and has shown he doesn’t respect their commitment to each other.


He claims that at the time he didn’t get attention from me so seemed I’ve seeked it elsewhere , even though in my defense it was due to an illness that has now gone back to normal


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Savannah01 said:


> I don’t know how to forgive him to be able to move on


I am really sorry that your husband did this to you. I can only tell you, from my perspective, that I'd have a helluva hard time forgiving my spouse if he wasn't really, really serious about making things right - no rug sweeping or minimizing the hurt. 

I don't think you can heal and move on unless he makes a concerted effort to let you know that his marriage - and you - are his top priorities. Anything less is crap.

Do you think he can see how much he's hurt you, or is he minimizing the pain he's caused?


----------



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Savannah01 said:


> He claims that at the time he didn’t get attention from me so seemed I’ve seeked it elsewhere , even though in my defense it was due to an illness that has now gone back to normal


His actions didn’t have anything to do with you though. You didn’t cause him to stray - he chose to do that instead of turning to you to meet his needs. If you couldn’t meet his needs, he had the option to leave. He chose the cheater’s route and only focused on himself.

What other good qualities does he have as a spouse? It’s still hard to understand why you ar staying. You seem to be taking the blame.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

So you were ill and he wasn’t getting enough attention and an EA with some rando was his solution? You’ll never again trust him the way you once did — and you shouldn’t now that you know all it takes for him to have an EA is for you to be ill.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Did your husband give his unwell wife attention during her illness? Motivating you, caring for you? Kind words and assistance?


----------



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I am really sorry that your husband did this to you. I can only tell you, from my perspective, that I'd have a helluva hard time forgiving my spouse if he wasn't really, really serious about making things right - no rug sweeping or minimizing the hurt.
> 
> I don't think you can heal and move on unless he makes a concerted effort to let you know that his marriage - and you - are his top priorities. Anything less is crap.
> 
> Do you think he can see how much he's hurt you, or is he minimizing the pain he's caused?


I think he’s realized what he did because when I was really crying one night he really came up and seemed worried genuinely. I think he just can’t accept the fault , he had apologized in some quick half witted way , but I just don’t think because he got caught red handed that he was prepared to admit that what he did constitutes as a breach of trust within our marriage . 
I'm trying to move on past anger and all that but I can help get triggered and I can’t help not thinking of this woman he’s taken to to actual approach in a conversation.
It makes me mad that he went that far , not Bruce’s anything physical happened but emotionally he felt drawn to come to someone else even just to talk 
I keep wondering what it is that he spoke to her about na so think because he keeps telling me he forgot what it was about , doesn’t give me closure 
I know he’s afraid for me to know the truth . But it’s somehow worse not knowing and it drives me crazy to always feel like I’m now not good enough 
I hate it !


----------



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Openminded said:


> So you were ill and he wasn’t getting enough attention and an EA with some rando was his solution? You’ll never again trust him the way you once did — and you shouldn’t now that you know all it takes for him to have an EA is for you to be ill.


Yes I know it angers me that he did this all while I was ill . I know it is horrible and I don’t know why I’m still trying


----------



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Did your husband give his unwell wife attention during her illness? Motivating you, caring for you? Kind words and assistance?


No he was always upset I felt sick or couldn’t do anything or complained I felt ill most of the time . He did not give me any concerning attention either … for the most part of a year I dealt with my illness alone . 
I didn’t expect all this happening behind my back . 
he just doesn’t seem like a man who would be that way . I don’t know what happened it’s like all of a sudden he was someone I didn’t even know


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Some spouses are not the ‘in sickness and health’ variety which usually means they’re not really one for the other vows either. So it’s not your fault he’s blaming you for being sick.

Some parents are like that too. They like the idea of making a baby, or carrying it for 9 months, but as soon as ‘it’ becomes unwell, or actually needs something that inconveniences the parent, well…

You married someone that needed marriage for some reason, sorry. As I said, do not give it space. He should be chasing you, not the other way around. Don’t drive yourself crazy over this. Have you bought that lipstick yet and detached??


----------



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Some spouses are not the ‘in sickness and health’ variety which usually means they’re not really one for the other vows either. So it’s not your fault he’s blaming you for being sick.
> 
> Some parents are like that too. They like the idea of making a baby, or carrying it for 9 months, but as soon as ‘it’ becomes unwell, or actually needs something that inconveniences the parent, well…
> 
> You married someone that needed marriage for some reason, sorry. As I said, do not give it space. He should be chasing you, not the other way around. Don’t drive yourself crazy over this. Have you bought that lipstick yet and detached??


Not yet but I will definitely get that lipstick ! I owe it to myself ! Thanks for the great idea , I look forward to finding my lipstick soon 😊


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband lacks empathy. Tell him that when he goes to bed at night, to pray that he doesn't become ill because the minute he does you will be on the internet looking for his replacement. And, he can manage his illness on his own just like you did.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married for a very long time to someone who cheated. Rebuilding a marriage after an affair, whether it’s physical or emotional, takes years. Trust is broken. Respect is gone. You feel like you’re married to someone you don’t know. It’s a tough road so be prepared.


----------



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Your husband lacks empathy. Tell him that when he goes to bed at night, to pray that he doesn't become ill because the minute he does you will be on the internet looking for his replacement. And, he can manage his illness on his own just like you did.


Thank you ! Yes I thought about this And truly how karma is just waiting … it is the part that saddens me the most


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Hey, if he is into plastic bodies, then consider his character and whether you really respect that enough to be with it. Ask yourself if you had your own money to get your body bombed out, would you even stay with him. It's doubtful that woman would want anything from him except maybe his money anyway, and I hope on some level, he realizes it. What he's doing is feeding his ego and trying to keep validating his desirability. Some people who need that never stop no matter how good they have it at home and just keep sabotaging their relationships for it. So don't bust your *ss rewarding that behavior from him. It won't matter.


----------



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Hey, if he is into plastic bodies, then consider his character and whether you really respect that enough to be with it. Ask yourself if you had your own money to get your body bombed out, would you even stay with him. It's doubtful that woman would want anything from him except maybe his money anyway, and I hope on some level, he realizes it. What he's doing is feeding his ego and trying to keep validating his desirability. Some people who need that never stop no matter how good they have it at home and just keep sabotaging their relationships for it. So don't bust your *ss rewarding that behavior from him. It won't matter.


That’s the kick in the teeth .. he tells me he does not like fake women and lo and behold most if not all these women he looks at are all faker than fake ! Which mean he’s been lying to me about liking me as I am ! Another pint of my bombed self esteem . I know I should let him or anyone lower my value , but it does hurt when these are the women he is attracted to clearly but isn’t able to even admit to me


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> That’s the kick in the teeth .. he tells me he does not like fake women and lo and behold most if not all these women he looks at are all faker than fake ! Which mean he’s been lying to me about liking me as I am ! Another pint of my bombed self esteem . I know I should let him or anyone lower my value , but it does hurt when these are the women he is attracted to clearly but isn’t able to even admit to me


Well, it's not necessarily a bad thing that he lies about that, because it would be mighty stupid not to and to say to your wife you liked fake boobs and all that way better than her body. I mean, don't be too mad about that aspect. Trust me, you don't want to hear the unvarnished truth about women's bodies from most guys. 

So don't focus on him not admitting it, but do focus on whether he is looking to roam or not, and be sure he's not sending money to any internet prostitutes, because there's a ton of them out there showing their boobs and taking money. Him being online salivating over some woman is a betrayal of the marriage. He's looking for them to ogle at them and to get some attention from them to feed his ego. So you can tell him that is totally unacceptable. And if he wants big fake boobs, tell him he can go get some for himself on his own body. Just think he'd be able to just ogle himself then.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Savannah01 said:


> That’s the kick in the teeth .. he tells me he does not like fake women and lo and behold most if not all these women he looks at are all faker than fake ! Which mean he’s been lying to me about liking me as I am ! Another pint of my bombed self esteem . I know I should let him or anyone lower my value , but it does hurt when these are the women he is attracted to clearly but isn’t able to even admit to me


He means he doesn't want *you* getting faked up because then he might have competition. You know, you can walk around with a low cut top and a wonder bra and show those girls off to whomever, too. Try it for kicks and giggles just to see the expression on his lying face as you're heading out the door.


----------



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Hey, if he is into plastic bodies, then consider his character and whether you really respect that enough to be with it. Ask yourself if you had your own money to get your body bombed out, would you even stay with him. It's doubtful that woman would want anything from him except maybe his money anyway, and I hope on some level, he realizes it. What he's doing is feeding his ego and trying to keep validating his desirability. Some people who need that never stop no matter how good they have it at home and just keep sabotaging their relationships for it. So don't bust your *ss rewarding that behavior from him. It won't matter.


That’s the kick in the teeth .. he tells me he does not like fake women and lo and behold most if not all these women he looks at are all faker than fake ! Which mean he’s been lying to me about liking me as I am ! Another pint of my bombed self esteem . I know I should let him or anyone lower my value , but it does hurt when these are the women he is attracted to I’m


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Fake is apparently his fantasy. It’s what he would go after for a fling (as long as he had enough money to attract them). You may not catch him in the future but that doesn’t change what he fantasizes about pulling in. That’s just the reality of what you’re dealing with.


----------



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Fake is apparently his fantasy. It’s what he would go after for a fling (as long as he had enough money to attract them). You may not catch him in the future but that doesn’t change what he fantasizes about pulling in. That’s just the reality of what you’re dealing with.


Apparently so … I don’t know if I’d rather he was honest about that or not . Either way it makes me feel rather stupid to think he’s been telling me that’s not his type in women and all the while it’s his go to “look “ the first chance he got .. awful 😞


----------

