# Need help with wife who doesn't seem to understand



## perplexed husband (Oct 10, 2013)

I have an unusual problem. My wife and I have been married for over 30 years and do not hardly argue about anything. We have similar interests and goals in life. She is a great mother and has a successful career. She is supportive of me and respects me. She says I am almost a perfect husband. When it comes to sex she is responds to my advances and we enjoy one another, etc.
The problem is that I have to initaite all interaction, intellectual, emotional, sexual, everything! 
I dote on her and write her poems, love notes, even have written erotica for her, all of which she enjoys. I asked if I bugged her by giving her so much attention of different kinds. Said I didn't want to appear needy or overdo it. She said, no, that it made her "feel special and wanted."
My point is, I don't feel that way and would love to. It's a one way street. Every so often I get weary and start resenting never getting any unsolicited attention from her. I eventually pull it together and try again and again I am well recieved, but she never changes. At this point, she is content to play those stupid video games on her ipad for hours every evening. She will talk to me if I start a conversation, she will respond, but then back to her world. She admits she could live alone in a cave and be happy. It's like she needs no human interaction. She can enjoy it, but she can also take it or leave it.
I'm lonely and tired of always being the one to get things going again. I told her 15 years ago that if she had no interest in me to tell me and when the kids were grown I would give her a divorce and leave her alone. She cried and said no, she was sorry and would do better. (repeat that scene over and over, leaving about talk of divorce, and you have the last 15 yrs.) 
Now the children are starting to go off to college and I've told her one day she was going to look up from her Ipad and find herself alone. 
If i ask her to go to counseling, she acts like it hurts her feelings and promises to do better, which she does for a little while, but then here I am again. I am out of ideas.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You're not out of ideas. You're just refusing to follow through on the ones you have.

Tell her that it's either counseling or divorce. Then DO it. Maybe seeing those papers right in front of her face will make her realize you mean business. Because telling her the same thing over and over and over and over and never following through on what you said you'd do is obviously not the solution, is it?


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## perplexed husband (Oct 10, 2013)

I have been waiting until the kids were grown. I have only mention divorce once, 15 yrs ago. Not ready to make an all or nothing demand.


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## perplexed husband (Oct 10, 2013)

However, I may be about to take a job that requires a lot of travel and have thought of saying, I am tried of being the one who initiates everything. From this point on if anything happens, she will initate it--and stick to that.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

What do think would happen if you stopped initiating?

Have you tried that for any extended length of time?


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## perplexed husband (Oct 10, 2013)

Nothing. I've tried that, but maybe for not long enough. Eventually, I get tired of feeling ignored and start something up again. I gues I have just finally ran out of emotional energy. We love each other, but I'm tired


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

perplexed husband said:


> I have been waiting until the kids were grown. I have only mention divorce once, 15 yrs ago. Not ready to make an all or nothing demand.


Then stick to what you ARE willing to follow through with. 

What are you going to accomplish if you stop initiating?? Nothing. Why would she care?

What is something that she WILL care about??


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Look your heading for the empty nest.

Can Empty Nesters Still Have a Happy Marriage? - WSJ.com

It's a pivotal time in a relationship. It's a time of reflection on life. You're right to be looking for more out of your relationship now and into the future. Many have lost themselves to being parents, homemakers. workers, ect.. and have forgotten they are lovers first. Like Hope said, what you have been doing hasn't worked. That's why you're tired. It's time to do something different, wouldn't you agree? 

Let me give you some reads, where the authors can better explain some ideas, that may help you construct a plan. A plan that would change the way you're going about this. A plan that would put you in charge of your happiness. A plan where your happiness would not depend on your wife's happiness. Then she could decide for herself to join you or not. 
These book have been used by many members on this site to get the marriages they want. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

No More Mr. Nice Guy

No More Mr Nice Guy pdf

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. 

Amazon.com: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

perplexed husband said:


> I am out of ideas.


I've got one for you: get a new wife.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

perplexed husband said:


> I have been waiting until the kids were grown. I have only mention divorce once, 15 yrs ago. Not ready to make an all or nothing demand.



You don't have to threaten with counseling or divorce right off the bat, and you shouldn't make threats you aren't prepared for anyway. But you can threaten with counseling or you will move out for awhile.


Counseling is almost never an unusual or unreasonable request. If she acts hurt by your insisting on it, tell her you've been hurt over the last 30 years.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

OP,

Has your wife ALWAYS been like this? 

If the answer is 'no', then you'll have to trace back in time to figure out WHEN this started to happen and WHY.

But if the answer is 'yes', then you have some work to do _yourself_. 

Every relationship begins with two _individuals_. Your wife is probably not like you in many ways. And there's nothing "wrong" with her being different than you. Even if you would prefer things to be a different way, it doesn't mean she's doing something "wrong". There's probably some man (...or m*e*n) who would not have done nearly as much as you've done, and yet she would STILL be _happy_ with any of them. So, the first point is to recognize that the two of you are very different and neither one of you is necessarily "wrong". 

If she has ALWAYS been like this, then her behavior is something that isn't new to you. Perhaps you thought she would eventually 'change' by following your lead (which would be a mistake in your own thinking). And there could be many reasons as to why she is the way she is. But that's neither here nor there...for now. 

The second point is to figure out how to get your needs met from someone who is obviously very _different_ than you without badgering, coercing, manipulating, threatening or strong-arming her into 'humble submission'. After all, I'm sure you'd rather see her VOLUNTARILY become a bit more demonstrative than to TELL her to do so...right? 

This is where _effective_ communication comes in. You mentioned that you tried talking to her about this before, nothing changed. That's because your communication wasn't effective _enough_. She may have told you that she'd "do better", but in all honesty, she may have had NO IDEA how to do that. Letting things 'slide' for so long without a plan for yourself definitely contributed to where you are NOW. 

Counseling would probably be beneficial to BOTH of you. Marriage counseling could give both of you insight as to how the other thinks. But individual counseling can help *you* by figuring out how to communicate your needs AND, if it turns out that the situation becomes too intolerable for you, it can help you to explain to your spouse that you can no longer continue the one-sided relationship, and that you intend to end the relationship so you BOTH have a chance to be happy.

Hope it helps

Vega


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## perplexed husband (Oct 10, 2013)

Anchorwatch has it right. Finally the answer I've been looking for. I knew I had created this situation in part by enabling her. (she came from a unaffectionate detached family system, plus she is an introvert) there's more about her family I dont need to cover, no abuse, but I started taking care of her early on and never required much. I was Mr. Nice Guy. I created the situation in part and suppressed my feelings. But in recent years when I started being open and honest and telling her how I really felt she would act hurt that I didn't think the marriage was as wonderful as she did and I would back off. It was like I had painted myself into a corner and couldn't figure out how to get out of the situation without making a mess.
The "no more mr. nice guy" was the info I needed. Now I have a better idea of how to follow through without destroying something I would like to keep. I din't want to go from mr. nice guy to I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. Thanks for all the help. Good thought provoking thoughts from everyone.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I would actually recommend that you look for more satisfaction outside the marriage. I don't mean cheat, I mean spend some time with friends, take up an old hobby again, do some things on your own, enjoy life. You're doting on her and she's not responding to it the way you want. Maybe you're overdoing it. Maybe she's just who she is and you can't change her. Maybe you're expecting something from her that she just can't give you, because of who she is. You always have the power to decide whether you want to put up with it or leave. And you can certainly insist on counselling. But I have a gut feeling that you will be happier if you put a little LESS energy into the marriage and more into other things that satisfy you. You've been together a long time, and not all people married 30 years have the romantic energy you have.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

perplexed husband said:


> I have an unusual problem. My wife and I have been married for over 30 years and do not hardly argue about anything. We have similar interests and goals in life. She is a great mother and has a successful career. She is supportive of me and respects me. She says I am almost a perfect husband. When it comes to sex she is responds to my advances and we enjoy one another, etc.
> The problem is that I have to initaite all interaction, intellectual, emotional, sexual, everything!
> I dote on her and write her poems, love notes, even have written erotica for her, all of which she enjoys. I asked if I bugged her by giving her so much attention of different kinds. Said I didn't want to appear needy or overdo it. She said, no, that it made her "feel special and wanted."
> My point is, I don't feel that way and would love to. It's a one way street. Every so often I get weary and start resenting never getting any unsolicited attention from her. I eventually pull it together and try again and again I am well recieved, but she never changes. At this point, she is content to play those stupid video games on her ipad for hours every evening. She will talk to me if I start a conversation, she will respond, but then back to her world. She admits she could live alone in a cave and be happy. It's like she needs no human interaction. She can enjoy it, but she can also take it or leave it.
> ...


I hope my husband and I love each other as much as you two love each other at the 30 yr mark. 

I do think that she has gotten used to your generous and ardent nature. It may be like background music she is not taking note. 

It might be good to back off a bit. Allow her to miss the nice things. Do extras occasionally . Make it at surprising times so she does not know what to expect. 

As far as initiating, that may be very hard for her.


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## Lillie (Oct 10, 2013)

Do you think her feelings for you has changed? Has your relationship always been this way? It kind of sounds like she has gotten way too comfortable & taking you for granted. You mentioned you both have the same goals in life. Could it at all be possible she could be talking to someone else? These days with most games being interactive she may have started just talking to someone. Have u tried maybe leaving for a weekend or does she have any girlfriends or family that maybe you can confide in to see if maybe something is going on. Just suggestions.


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