# I don't know what to do



## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

Last week I hacked my husbands facebook account and found message archives between him and other women, he was trolling and "looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with". I became angry as he has had several EA's in the past, one every few years cyclically with the cycle being broken by a move followed by a summer (06) when I had an online friendship which may qualify as an EA except we weren't like that, we were good friends talking about marital issues. I didn't see him as a boyfriend, it was more like being 13 and having a new best girlfriend. I am not excusing it, this friendship gave me confidence, it was so nice for a an to find value in me, especially since I had been so isolated and my husbands EA's had left my self esteem in shreds.
During this summer(06) I went out with a girlfriend a couple of times and visited her house a couple times, mostly with my kids (she had a pool) Because I never really had gone anywhere or had friends in the past my husband freaked out and swore I was having an affair. I didn't handle this the best, I told him he was being hypocritical and if his EA's and other work flirtations were harmless, how could anything I was doing be wrong?
When he thought he had competition he started being nice to me, and treating my like I had value. He started telling me I was pretty and I thought things were on the mend.
He started drinking more and more and when drunk would fixate on my "affair". He would rant for hours trying to get me to admit to a physical affair. He took all kinds of things I said during that summer to mean I was having an affair. He said I had "gotten even".
Now I have caught him messaging women on facebook, looking up old girlfriends and old EA's from early on in the marriage and messaging female coworkers inappropriately. He says he was just looking for a piece of A** because I have lost interest in sex. Which isn't totally incorrect, I haven't been overly sexual recently, mostly due to his drinking, I cannot stand him anymore when he is drinking. I just wish he would go to sleep. He also states he is just getting even with me for this affair he has blown up in his mind.
He cried last week after he left, stated he loved me and wanted to come home. I am sad and depressed and wish things were different, but I also know this cannot go on for the rest of my life, but we have been together for over 20 years and it is hard to let go.
I talked to him this morning and it was a totally different tune from last week, he was back to "I just did it to get back at you" and being very angry with me.

I feel like such a loser. 

We have 4 kids btw, one with special needs


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What you haven't mentioned anywhere in your post is what you two are doing to try to fix things. Do you just sweep things under the rug and promise to do better? Have you tried counseling? Reading books like "Not Just Friends" or "His Needs, Her Needs"? Because whatever you've done in the past is obviously not working for you. 

C


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

We went to counseling in 99 after the third time it happened, and we had some real success in 02 when we went to counseling at our church. This was after I caught him with the neighbor woman at 2:30 a.m. in their backyard. I knew he had been infatuated with her, and even though I didn't catch him doing anything this really enraged me. The counseling was also for his addiction issues.

After that we were good for a few years, and we moved to a new house and I really started to feel like I was coming into my own. Raising so many little ones so close in age with spotty help had taken a toll on my self worth. I felt like I couldn't do anything right.

After we made the move, I felt like I could be sexy, and read up on new ways to please my husband. He took this as evidence that I was learning with other people.

After 06 he never let it go that I was a cheater even though I really had just had a friend, which was hypocritical since he has never given up having female friends no matter how upset I got over his EA's.

A couple years after that we had a tragedy happen that has put strain on our marriage.

I think the accident and 06 ar the only thing that may have broken the cycle and now it is back into play.

I am not even sure they were just EA's, sometimes I think he just calls them that because I have never actually caught him in the physical act of cheating.


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

Even though he family and friends all said in the beginning that I was the prettiest girl they had ever seen him date, I have always gotten the impression he felt he could do better, that he had me, so maybe there was one better out there he could catch.

I have always thought he was good looking, but he seems to have an inflated sense of his own attractiveness. He told me this morning "Women have always hit on me". I told him he is always hitting on other women, which is true, he can be overly friendly and flirtatious and sometimes I don't think he even realizes it.

Sometimes I think he has used the affairs as a way to keep me feeling like I don't deserve anything better. Sometimes I think that is where he rage from my "EA" comes from. He sees himself as the one who is married to an inferior and the affairs are a way of keeping me in line and letting me know he is doing me a favor by staying. I feel like he is mad because I took his favorite weapon away.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Allow me to cut to the chase. My take is that your husband is a serial cheater and that you regrettably rug swept his prior EA's - assuming that's all they were. It seems he has no respect for you because of this.

I would say, given his repeat behavior, that your chances of a positive (non-false) R would be slim at best.

I would suggest you do an immediate 180 on him (find the link), demand transparency (passwords to computer and phones) and accept nothing less than "complete" remorseful behavior from him.

If he complies, continue to monitor him and get into counseling. If he doesn't, file for divorce. 

By the way, sorry you're here. Much of the advice you're likely to receive will be this abrupt, but perhaps more detailed. Listen to it. Most of us have been in your shoes.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

By catching him multiple times and continuing to forgive him, you've taught him that his behaviour is acceptable to you. As the expression goes... "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". I realize you probably stayed for the sake of the kids, but really, what are you teaching them?

C


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

I guess I am just coming here for reinforcement. I keep second guessing my decision and it is hard to give up after so long. I haven't told many people he is out of the house yet in case I can't go through with it. 
I haven't told my family yet because it is embarrassing and I cannot count on support from them. After 09 I called my mom to tell her I was going to divorce him and she ripped me to shreds telling me I was doing it just to save face and I was going to put my children through hell with a divorce and her and my dad were not going to be there for me.
I don't really have any friends to talk to. One or both of us have been successful in keeping me isolated, even though he has plenty of family and friends and is allowed to come and go without jealousy.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

That alcohol needs to go. Ultimatums have arrived.

"I just filed, you should be served soon. No more drinking. No more going out. No more lies. I've had enough, I've wasted enough, I've waited enough, I deserve more than enough from someone better than enough. Will I consider R, and not going through D? Well as of now no, you're actions speak loud and clear to me that you do not love me, but only hurt me. Good night"


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

He offered to go to AA and delete his facebook page last week after I caught him. His excuse for the nastier messages mentioning me as his cheating ***** wife was he was drunk when he sent them.

I want to believe he will go to AA, but he has been to NA before due to his overuse of pot, and he has never quit. He as always felt like he should be able to come home from work and cop a buzz of some sort and meet his recliner. Even when the kids were little and I felt like I was drowning and overwhelmed he used the kids and the house being messy as a reason for being unhappy and justifying his wandering eye. This led to bought of depression on my part.

Earlier this year I saw some overly familiar and flirty posts on his facebook page. I told him I was mad about this and he deleted her, just to add her later. This sort of thing has happened several times.

He has never really stopped anything I have asked him to stop.


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

Today is DD+1wk and Valentines Day.

I am having trouble concentrating on things I need to concentrate on and i am testy after the verbal beating I got yesterday when talking to H. I had been pretty much NC but he wanted me to call him about taxes and car issues. I know I shouldn't have done it but I asked how he was and he said he was missing the family. Then the discussion started. I was like "We had clear boundaries, why would you break them?" and he was like "I needed to get back at you" when I pointed out his math sucks he moved on to my other faults and how he was justified in his past actions because the house was chaotic when he came home from work when the kids were little. We had four kids in 6 years, I worked odd shifts to avoid daycare costs and was a stressed out exhausted mess because I had no help in those years. H would either cop a buzz and sleep in his recliner after work or take off to God knows where leaving me to deal with the kids by myself. I was depressed and had to go on Paxil. It pisses me off that he uses those years as an excuse to cheat.

I was feeling bad and missing the good H. But talking to the bad H yesterday made me realize there is no hope.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Either file for divorce, or resign yourself to a life consisting of more of the same. He's proven over and over he doesn't deserve to be trusted. Why are you still with him?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

LostandSad said:


> Today is DD+1wk and Valentines Day.
> 
> I am having trouble concentrating on things I need to concentrate on and i am testy after the verbal beating I got yesterday when talking to H. I had been pretty much NC but he wanted me to call him about taxes and car issues. I know I shouldn't have done it but I asked how he was and he said he was missing the family. Then the discussion started. I was like "We had clear boundaries, why would you break them?" and he was like "I needed to get back at you" when I pointed out his math sucks he moved on to my other faults and how he was justified in his past actions because the house was chaotic when he came home from work when the kids were little. We had four kids in 6 years, I worked odd shifts to avoid daycare costs and was a stressed out exhausted mess because I had no help in those years. H would either cop a buzz and sleep in his recliner after work or take off to God knows where leaving me to deal with the kids by myself. I was depressed and had to go on Paxil. It pisses me off that he uses those years as an excuse to cheat.
> 
> I was feeling bad and missing the good H. But talking to the bad H yesterday made me realize there is no hope.


I'm sorry, but there never was a "good" or "bad" H. He's always been exactly who he is - a serial cheater and an addict, with all of the narcissistic traits and entitlement issues attendant to both of those conditions. You can leave or you can stay, but you can't fix him, and he won't fix himself enough, to make your marriage any better than it's always been.


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

I asked him to leave last week and he has been staying with his alcoholic father.

It hurts because I believe in marriage and it has been 20 years. I just wish he loved me enough to want to fix things.

This hurts.


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

Could my "EA" be to blame for him becoming so fixated on my betrayal and causing his anger issues like he says? He says he thinks I was having sex with multiple people during that time. I wasn't having sex with anyone but him.

Could I be to blame for this? Honestly? or am I just being a doormat?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Was he honest and faithful before he started thinking you were having multiple affairs?


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

no


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Then why would you imagine you "made" him this way?

He's an addict and a serial cheater. That started before your EA and before he started accusing you of screwing around. It's not your fault. He's broken. You didn't break him. You can't fix him.


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

Thank you for that Rowan, you really put it into perspective for me.


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

Last night my oldest daughter asked "Are you sure you aren't going to take him back?" I think the reason the kids have been really calm about this is they expect their dad home eventually.

This made me want to know more, so I poured over the cell phone records for the past year. Back in the spring for a period of several months there was heavy amounts of texts to a certain number and plenty of one minute phone calls to same number. Those dwindled one summer hit. Then again in the fall the same pattern emerged with a different number that only dwindled when he was having trouble with his phone.

I do not recognize these two numbers. I have tried spydialer and free spokeo, facebook etc and can't find the owners.

I think as well as the facebook trolling he had two other affairs last year.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

LostandSad said:


> Could my "EA" be to blame for him becoming so fixated on my betrayal and causing his anger issues like he says? He says he thinks I was having sex with multiple people during that time. I wasn't having sex with anyone but him.
> 
> Could I be to blame for this? Honestly? or am I just being a doormat?


No. He is responsible for his choices. As you are for your own. Stop worrying about him or his idiotic accusations, and worry about yourself and the kids. You cannot control, nor change your husband. You can control yourself, and what you will and will not accept. Continue to stand up for yourself. If he comes back, then no alcohol, no weed, he has to contribute to the family in real, positive, meaningful ways. That is not too much to demand.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

LostandSad said:


> Last night my oldest daughter asked "Are you sure you aren't going to take him back?" I think the reason the kids have been really calm about this is they expect their dad home eventually.
> 
> This made me want to know more, so I poured over the cell phone records for the past year. Back in the spring for a period of several months there was heavy amounts of texts to a certain number and plenty of one minute phone calls to same number. Those dwindled one summer hit. Then again in the fall the same pattern emerged with a different number that only dwindled when he was having trouble with his phone.
> 
> ...


Why be sneaky about it? Call the numbers outright, see who answers.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

LostandSad said:


> I guess I am just coming here for reinforcement. I keep second guessing my decision and it is hard to give up after so long. I haven't told many people he is out of the house yet in case I can't go through with it.
> QUOTE]
> First of all Im sorry that your going through this.... I know your story well for I have lived it. My post is on considering divorce although now it should be on going through divorce. My encourgement to you would be dont take him back. That sounds tuff and awful but I really wish someone would have told me that 15 years ago when we were at our 20 year mark. A serial cheeter will always be a serial cheeter. nothing you say or do is going to change him. nothing in his family, hi children, you, church or anything else is going to make a difference to his behavior. One of the reasons why, Yes you have enabled him, you have actually helped to teach him he can treat you this way, he can treat the family this way. You have not helped him to learn to become a real man and to show YOU the respect that you are due... (this is all stuff I wrote to my husband in the letter I gave him in oct telling him I know about his new affair and after 35 years I "need" a divorce".) you have the choice now to take a hard road of making some positive changes in your life and demanding to be treated with respect. Change is hard... its scary... Or you can choose to live some more years in a blur of unhappiness and doubt with the very little security that at least he's there physically if not emotionally, waiting for the ball to drop of when he fianlly really meets somone else and tells you its over. Or like me you fianlly say at the age of 53, I cant do this any more! Why waist the years.... please dont....


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

I am starting to see things a lot clearer. Before I would rely on advice from my mom, now I know I never should have done that. My mom has issues of her own that I never let myself see until recently.

I have made a very bad habit of believing his excuses that blamed me for his actions. This sucks to say, but it wasn't until last night that I realized he was never entitled to cop a buzz every night because he couldn't handle the stress of real life.

And he was also never entitled to cheat on me because the stress of dealing with so much on my own with little to no help from him (when he wasn't outright sabotaging me) was to much for me to handle perfectly.

That has always been his excuse, "things were bad around here, the house was messy, I got macaroni and cheese for dinner (which actually NEVER HAPPENED but he claims this all the time) the kids were messy and you were *****ing." The *****ing thing is an overstatement. I really have been overly passive, going along to get along.

I realize every marriage has its slumps, but for some reason he feels entitled to go get extra attention from other women and have EA's every time we hit one.

Why did I not see this until now? Why have I been so stupid?


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

doureallycare2 said:


> LostandSad said:
> 
> 
> > I guess I am just coming here for reinforcement. I keep second guessing my decision and it is hard to give up after so long. I haven't told many people he is out of the house yet in case I can't go through with it.
> ...


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> Why be sneaky about it? Call the numbers outright, see who answers.


What if it is a harmless relative or friend? Then I am the pathetic jealous wife again.

I am so angry, there is so much **** I want to tell him, but I have decided to do a 180 and not contact him.

He always made it sound like I was some buttoned up prude who didn't know how men and women act together in the workplace, that the goings on where he works is just how things are.

He always made me feel he was the more desirable one, that nobody else would want me. Or maybe that was me, he actually doesn't criticize my looks. I do think he was preyed on my insecurities to make himself bigger.

This is so upsetting. I was raised to get married and stay married, only selfish people get divorced, break up their families. I haven't told anybody in my family yet, only a few coworkers and my bff.


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> No. He is responsible for his choices. As you are for your own. Stop worrying about him or his idiotic accusations, and worry about yourself and the kids. You cannot control, nor change your husband. You can control yourself, and what you will and will not accept. Continue to stand up for yourself. If he comes back, then no alcohol, no weed, he has to contribute to the family in real, positive, meaningful ways. That is not too much to demand.


I have said the "no weed if you come back" thing before. It never sticks. 

The day I told him to leave he promised to quit everything, go to AA, delete his facebook page, or delete all women from his facebook page, and all I could say is "why? you will just start all of it back up again."

I can't believe anything he says even though I really want to. I really want him to love me. I wish he did. He says he does, and I believe him when he says it, because he probably does mean it right when he says it, he just doesn't later.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Its more than not loveing... Its not respecting, Its not caring how he hurts you. He places his needs above your and above your children. Hes selfish, He loves no one greater than himself.


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

Sometimes I am so tempted to text him that a 90 day chip will get him his family back.

When does this tightening just below the diaphragm go away?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

It'll go away when you are ready to let it.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Your husband is the example that feminists have used to destroy the institution of family in our society. 

The entitled male monsters existed back then and they exist today still. I just think we have added a bunch of entitled female monsters to the mix and a whole lot of wimpier guys afraid of their own masculinity and how it could be misinterpreted by today's misandric/PC society.

Sorry you are here. I think its obvious that, if everything you state is correct, it's 99% his fault for being so completely selfish. 

There are so many more giving, loving men out there who are not selfish and bitter like your husband. He does not represent the norm. Dump the ****** and find happiness.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

LostandSad said:


> Could my "EA" be to blame for him becoming so fixated on my betrayal and causing his anger issues like he says? He says he thinks I was having sex with multiple people during that time. I wasn't having sex with anyone but him.
> 
> Could I be to blame for this? Honestly? or am I just being a doormat?


No. It is common for cheats to accuse their partner of cheating. It justifies their behaviour in their own warped minds. In my opinion you are being a doormat.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Hope you have a better day today!


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

doureallycare2 said:


> Hope you have a better day today!


Thanks! I am trying. Tomorrow will be two weeks since I made him leave. I keep feeling like this is one big rejection and it is hard to take.

He has always badmouthed me to coworkers, friends and family when things were bad between us. Telling everyone I am lazy, a bad wife, etc. He likes people to feel sorry for him. I can't get over the fact that he badmouths me to get women to sleep with him.

For the record, I am not lazy. I have had periods of depression though out all of this when the house was not as clean as it should have been, but I have had a lot on my plate. 4 stairstep kids and working. I am very hardworking and have managed to put myself through school, and have gone back again. He never did anything to further his education. He always thought a good factory job was just around the corner, but he was never able to find a good paying job because he could never pass a drug screen.

I make more money than him btw. I think that has hurt his ego.


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

HappyHubby said:


> Your husband is the example that feminists have used to destroy the institution of family in our society.
> 
> The entitled male monsters existed back then and they exist today still. I just think we have added a bunch of entitled female monsters to the mix and a whole lot of wimpier guys afraid of their own masculinity and how it could be misinterpreted by today's misandric/PC society.
> 
> ...


I keep thinking if it weren't fir his drug issues, if he had been functioning as a person instead of a pothead, we would have had our troubles. We would have fought about our families, kids and money issues. We would have been able to handle conflict better, I would have learned not to be a *****(I had a lot stringer personality when I was younger, this has beat me down pretty good) and he would have learned not to be passive aggressive (instead of us both now being passive aggressive)

I have spent too much time listening to people telling me to see things through his eyes and have beaten myself up for not being able to make the floors sparkle, have hospital corners and cook a big southern meal on top of raising kids and working.

I made myself believe no other man would want me because of this.


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

I have not realized until recently that his looking for other women because his wife isn't Martha Stewart is the same thing as a woman who doesn't work looking for another man because her husband doesn't make enough money to suit her.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

You know what it really comes down to? It doesn’t matter if you were the worst hoarder in the world let alone not worried about being a Martha Stewart. If they are not happy then they should leave before an A. There are plenty of people out there that are happy living in all kinds of conditions and chance are you will care for your home in different manners according to your lifestyle at the time. When I was a stay at home mom my house wasn’t immaculate but much neater than it is now (my kids were little and I did daycare but I had to be very organized in the house because of it). Now that I’m working 55 hours a week, I hate how easy it is to not take care of things like the windows or cobwebs let alone washing down the kitchen cabinets. When my H was still at home I was talking about having someone come in and clean for me (mostly because of his being a slob) and I couldn’t believe I would ever contemplate such a thing as I always enjoyed cleaning but just didn’t have the time to give the house the TLC I felt it really needed. 
My point being though is that people "learn" to work through these things if it’s really important to them. For example if he was a OCD and needed everything in its place than he could help out with the cleaning as my friends husband does. He's not looking for that in a woman no matter what he says... Are you thinking these things or is he actually saying them?


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

This is what he has always said when he got caught, before he had the EA to rant about.

The thing is, as my oldest daughter has pointed out, he is the messy one. He is the one that leaves things laying around but never wants to wash a dish. My oldest two daughters are really disgusted with him over this issue, they saw a lot of things before I did, like how hypocritical it would be for him to complain about the kitchen not being clean when he refused to do dishes, or to complain about dinner when all he ever learned to cook was hamburger helper.

I grew up in a family where if my dad got home first he cooked, if my mom got home first she cooked. All my male relatives can cook a Holiday dinner as good as or better than their wives. They brag about it.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Well see than, that wasn’t the real issue, he was needing to excuse his behavior and pick fights. He probably actually started to believe it to make himself feel better. But like I said and your realizing it. If that was really a problem he could have pitched in and or had better communication rather than just complain. None of us are perfect we all have our faults but in a marriage you work together to make the home the place you want to be. He wasn’t willing to do that. He sought comfort in pot and then in another W.


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

I have been bad today as far as my 180 goes. I am just so angry. He texted this morning because his car is in the shop and he needed our son to pick him up. I asked him if he had started AA yet and he said no, basically he would get to it later. I then proceeded o give him a piece of my mind about his excuses for his misdeeds all these years. He texted back that he was too tired and worn down to talk about it now, that he has had no peace at his dads where he is staying and he will have time to reflect once he moves to his cousins house tomorrow. I let it go, but then he messaged our youngest daughter on facebook wanting to know if I work tomorrow because he wanted to come by and get some of his stuff. So I messaged him back that after all these years he doesnt respect me enough to tell me he is coming to get his stuff, he goes behind my back asking the kids when I will be gone?

I know I need to not let him see he is upsetting me. I dont want him to think there is an open door here ready for manipulation, I am just so friggin mad!


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

your just doing the same thing that hasn’t worked for you all these years, demanding things from him that he's not willing to give you. Instead of telling him his faults and how hurt you are just have his stuff packed and be calm, cool an organized oh and by the way.... I would have the house looking and smelling wonderful, a pie on the stove ect.... let him see what he’s going to be missing.


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

OK, slipped up a couple times and sent him text messages telling him how I feel about things, and one owning the fact that I have distanced myself from him and I avoided him due to the fact his drinking upset me and I saw no reason to fight about it because I knew nothing would change.

He has not responded. I feel so stupid. Dday and the day after he was crying and wanting to come home. Now he is indifferent. He must have gotten lucky with his fishing expeditions.

But, on the bright side, I have been getting nice compliements from non-friends and non family. I have noticed more attention from other men.

I have been able to go Vegan this past week and it is going well, and after one week my body does feel really good. I used to get achy muscles and feel tired. Now my muscles feel good.

Now I just have to get over the fact that my dumba$$ of a STBXH didn't have enough sense to love, respect and value me.

I am starting to accept that he is incapable of doing this, just as he is incapable of bettering himself, staying on a budget, paying bills, cooking his own meals, etc.


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

I am starting to accept the marriage has ended. I am looking for a lawyer. My kids are fine with it, they even seem happier now that he is out of the house.

My oldest daughters are more upset with him than the other two. They see it as he disrespected them too. That he didn't have enough love or respect for the family to not cheat repeatedly.

I will be joining a divorce support group soon. I am busy with school and extra hours at work now, but I think it is important to be able to meet people going through the same thing I am.

I still haven't told my family. I am not looking forward to this as my mother will blame me as she has in the past and will make me doubt myself. She will say I am spoiled, that my dad spoiled me, that my husband is a saint for living with me, that if my husband didn't physically cheat then it doesn't count etc. For some reason my mother has always seen me as a very flawed and bad person with bad and selfish motives. I am not looking forward to the soul sucking experience that is telling her I am ending my marriage.


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

Yesterday he texted me and told me the reason for all his "bad habits" is when our family got bigger, he felt he stopped being the most important person in my life and it created a void which he looked elsewhere to fill.

I have been rollerskating uphill all these years.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

LostandSad said:


> Yesterday he texted me and told me the reason for all his "bad habits" is when our family got bigger, he felt he stopped being the most important person in my life and it created a void which he looked elsewhere to fill.
> 
> I have been rollerskating uphill all these years.


He clearly needs to grow the f0ck up! It simply what happens when you start a family. If he doesn't get his priorities straight he will fail at any relationship from now on.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you are in a cycle and circle that will not change unless you do the work of breaking out of it.

You blame yourself for other people's bad choices and behaviors, either by irrationally doubting yourself, or listening to people blame you. Your H is bad actor #1 right now, but your mother is the woman who raised you and she appears to have done her level best to destroy any healthy self-image you would try to build for yourself. I think your H and your mother are all of a piece. If you just say 'no' to what both of them are telling you about yourself, you might begin to have a better life going forward.

You're responsibly raising four children; you are getting educated; you hold down a good job. What's not to be proud of?

Your H is an entitled bully. People like that are good at convincing other people that black is white. I think the longer you're away from him, the clearer things will become.

I hope for your sake that you break the cycle you've been in.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I agree, continue with the divorce, and don't bother with your mother until its done. You don't need tearing down, so cut out toxic people.


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

He has been having trouble with his living situation. I have been tempted to help in some way. When he texted me last night about possibly needing to stay in a motel, I was tempted to let him stay here until he finds more permanent arrangements. My sweet, big hearted youngest daughter surprised me by saying, "Let karma do its job"

Wow, this habit I have of swooping in to fix things is really ingrained. No wonder he never learned how to navigate life.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

LostandSad said:


> Yesterday he texted me and told me the reason for all his "bad habits" is when our family got bigger, he felt he stopped being the most important person in my life and it created a void which he looked elsewhere to fill.
> 
> I have been rollerskating uphill all these years.


OMG.....!!! Really... I guess any excuss is better than no excuse..NOT!! what a selfish b&%**((^


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

Lostandsad, do not allow him back in the house, he is a grown man, leave him to finally mature a grow up on his own, you have been an enabler to his destructive ways long enough.. If you keep throwing him a life line he will keep reeling both of you down with him again and again,,


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Listen to your daughters.


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

Blue tonight. 

I am doing well with the 180, I have recently gone vegan and it is going well. I feel pretty good, hungry though. But my skin looks great and I have lost some weight. Doing better with my classes this week, getting back into the saddle. I am vying for a spot in a competitive program. The past couple of weeks could have knocked me back a year. I'm pretty sure the damage is minimal.

Had a crisis with one of the kids, had to get H involved with mixed results. He tried to come through, promised to handle the entire thing and then gave a couple of half measures and forgot about the whole thing. Out of sight, out of mind.

I am pretty lonely tonight. My family is torn apart, (my son had to go stay with relatives for a little while) It is hard to do away with a relationship that I have been in since I was 17. There was only one person who has been present for the major events in my life, the births of our children and the tragedy that blew up our lives.

I feel hopeful about my financial future and being able to manage the household budget like a normal person instead of always in crisis mode(he handles money pretty much like he handles everything else in life) I like being able to eat and cook healthy without hearing someone ***** about it and then order a pizza.

I hate being alone


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

LostandSad said:


> I hate being alone


This is something you ought to work on with a counselor. You might also benefit from Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving. You're doing ok, and it sounds like you are going to be way better off without your husband.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

LostandSad said:


> My sweet, big hearted youngest daughter surprised me by saying, "Let karma do its job"


I can't recall ever a time I've seen something so sad and so awesome at the same time from the mouth of someone that young.

I think it's pretty obvious in which gene pool she swam.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

lostandsad, I had a set back the last couple of days, stbxh came over threw things at me yelled and all my new found peace and contentment flew out the window.. The good thing it only took me two day to pull myself together this time.. dyed my hair a bright red last night... came in to work this morning and everyone loves it and the woman are saying wow how could you be that brave... it’s the new me.. I’m going to be a fighter now. I’m going to be brave.. you will be lonely, but lonely with yourself respect is better that with someone with no self-respect, having someone yelling at you, cheating on you, remind yourself of that in those lonely moments... it is hard when you don’t know anything else.. They have been your constant companion for most of your life.. But now it’s time to build a new life a better life. And you will!!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I hope that if your mother starts in on you that you tell her to STFU. That's a horrible way to treat your own daughter who has been cheated on!!!!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You ought to get a small VAR you can keep on you at all times. If he comes and starts abusing you again, you can use it to have him arrested. You need to protect yourself and your kids!


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

OK, updates

Told my parents. A situation arose where my dad called needing to talk to H and I had to come clean. He was supportive and asked no questions just gave comfort. Made me promise to tell mom soon. I did, I told her a few days later and she was actually nice about it. I think dad must have talked to her about it and gave her a heads up and possibly a Do's and Don'ts list.

An ongoing complicated crisis involving my son. I have been having to utilize my now developing skills of setting boundaries and not letting them be washed away. H has actually been helpful and supportive in this. I have realized H was right about quite a few things involving this child and his issues. Now that we are not together and in the same house it is difficult for him to play us against each other. We are actually on the same page now.

H and I had a long discussion last week. I finally came clean about all the details of my EA years ago. His reaction was kind of like "that's it? All this time and THAT's IT?" I explained I felt he didn't have a leg to stand on after all his EA's in the past and yes I had been passive aggressive about it. Still, it didn't give him a right to go out and do it again.

He says he still loves me and wants to try and reconcile. I told him I didn't think it was possible, but I gave him the list of ultimatums anyway

1. AA twelve steps in solid recovery
2. Individual counseling
3. money management classes
4. I am vegan now deal with it. If you want different food learn to cook it yourself. I am starting to look and feel great and you do not get to sabotage it.
5. I get all passwords to email and facebook and anything else I want.
6. I get to read all text messages upon demand
7. I reserve the right to check phone logs and dial any unfamiliar numbers from your phone at anytime
8. find a different job (not like he has a career he loves anyway)
9. You have lost the right to have opposite sex friends. period. forever.

I told him these things are non-negotiable and must be accomplished before we even think of him moving home or even going to marriage counseling.

I have been reading about co-dependency an realize I have a lot of issues to work on. I want to work on these issues without him. I have explained this to him and he said he is ok with that.

I also told him even if he accomplished all those other things, I am still not sure I can get over his tendency to look outside the marriage whenever we hit a rough patch or get into a rut. I told him there is no guarantee we will get back together because of this. He said fair enough.

That being said and I know I am going to catch hell for this but we have become "friends with benefits". I know this blurs the line somewhat, and I know all about "hysterical bonding", but I don't care. this keeps me from feeling desperate and wondering if I am going to ever have sex again and if I am going to die alone. 
I figure as long as I am having sex I can relax and learn how to be friends with men again.


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## LostandSad (Feb 13, 2013)

Also, he is getting his own apartment today. Close enough to be walking distance for the kids


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

LostandSad said:


> OK, updates
> 
> Told my parents. A situation arose where my dad called needing to talk to H and I had to come clean. He was supportive and asked no questions just gave comfort. Made me promise to tell mom soon. I did, I told her a few days later and she was actually nice about it. I think dad must have talked to her about it and gave her a heads up and possibly a Do's and Don'ts list.
> 
> ...


LAS,

I for one, will not judge you "considering" R with him. I can understand what you're going through since I've been married for 25 years. 

When I found my wife had a two year PA in 2011, I kicked her out for a week, then let her come back. Of course at that time, I hadn't found TAM and made a lot of mistakes in the process. I won't go into all of them, but I will offer some things I've learned during our ongoing R.

First, would be the proper mindset. You should think of yourself as heading on a path toward divorce. You should initiate that process. When and if, he earns your reconsideration, you can "delay" the divorce. For the time being, it should remain as option number 1. In other words, expect the worst from him and wait and see if he overcomes your expectations.

Don't make the mistake I made, and let him move in before he's earned it. Make sure you give him a hard felt consequence that he will never forget.

I like your ultimatums list. But in addition, be sure to tell him that if you do allow him to return, you have a right to change your mind at any time. If he meets the ultimatums, and demonstrates love and complete remorse, he may increase the chances that you won't. But no guarantees going forward. That's the price he has to pay for you considering R. Take it or leave it.

I'm still not sure that R is your best choice, but a lot of people told me the same thing. If you do decide to, at least consider my advice. Like I mentioned, I didn't have the benefit of TAM when I initially dealt with my wife's adultery, but I have been lucky so far. To her credit she has demonstrated true remorse for a year and a half, despite my initial mistake of not giving her harder consequences. But she knows I reserve the right to change my mind if she stops. She knows there are no second chances.

Please make sure you do the same, if you do decide to take him back.

Keep us posted.


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