# confused



## newguy (Mar 25, 2008)

Hi,
I have recently had a serious argument with my wife and we were very close to calling it quits on the marriage.

I will give a brief rundown of our marriage.

We met in Australia and dated for 6 mths or so. My wifes student visa was running out. She is Chinese and had to go back home. She was geting pressure from her parents to marry and really didnt want to go back and face more of the same. And she liked living in Australia. Well she called me one night crying and basically told me of her problem. I volunteered to help her get a visa though marriage or defacto . To cut along story short it all worked out. We have been married for 6 yrs now. We are currently living in China. 
Basically she wanted to live close to a her parents for a period of time since it was such along time since she saw them.
I would say we were never the close bonded type couple like soul mates. Although we have been more like close friends and I believe we do love eachother. I do her anyway. I think she does as well.
One problem is we are very opposite in character. This has not been a major problem for us before. It has helped both of us grow I think and we both are definitely in a far better situation than what we were before or possibly could have been. Financially especially.

I was still a little wild when we met and very irresponsible. She was always very straight down the line tidy freak type. She has always had a problem with me being messy and really hates disorganization. I was brought up in a messy disorganised house so I have bad habits. I hated living in a messy house though and really like the changes my wife has made to my life in that way. But I still do things out of habit that I find hard to change and she cant understand it.

1. I do not like to make my bed in the mornings.
She does this by habit and cant stand to see it messy.
2. She hates things being used and not put back. Again this is a bad habit that I have.
3.eating and using the computer. I eat where ever and when ever. Sometimes my hands will get greasy if eating snacks or something. She hates using the mouse after me so she puts tissue paper over it so not to get her hands dirty.
4.If I cooking at night I wash up the following day. Sometimes I am tired after work and just want to relax after cooking.She cant stand seeing dirty dishes at any time.

These are normal things that most people do i suppose but its not in my nature. I am not that messy really as I have lived in mess houses and know the difference. But its hard to keep to her standards.

Is it possible for me to break these habits. After our last argument I suggested divorce as I was sick of her treating me like dirt for weeks. Then she breaks out with all the bad habits I have. We settled the argument and everything seems fine. I promised to fix my bad habits.

We have other issues but I thought I would start with this one. I was from a single parent family so I really do not know what is normal in long term marriages. Are these problems to be worked out or should we call it quits to save the inevitable.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

based on what you've said, I definitely think this is one of those things that should be worked on within the marriage...it is not a deal breaker! I grew up in a very messy/dirty house and have always been the opposite...could not wait to have my own place...I know I am extreme with neatness and there's nothing on your list that I could deal with personally, although I have relaxed somewhat after 3 kids & working full time & being a single mom for several years. I think it boils down to respect. This is something extremely important to her and by you not helping out (at least cleaning up after yourself) she probably feels disrespected & that you don't care that it upsets her or that she ends up doing it if you don't. It's really like anything else, just get in the habit of making the bed right when you get up, etc. After a short time, it will be second nature and you both will benefit by having your place looking great and her feeling much better about your relationship...it will probably make her want to do the same for you


----------



## newguy (Mar 25, 2008)

Thanks, I really don't have anyone to talk to since I live overseas. It just doesn't feel right talking with friends over the internet about it either. Somehow it feels better to ask strangers


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

my husband still keeps a few 'piles' of clutter around...mail, magazines, etc. and they drive me crazy...I once made him his own file cabinet...labeled and filed it all away, but he never used it..still goes back to the piles...so I decided to let that one go...it still bugs me but it's such a small thing compared to everything he does that makes me love him so much & feel loved


----------



## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

It sounds to me like you never fell in love with her, that it was just a marriage of convenience. I am sorry to hear that. My courting years were uneventful too. My husband was on the rebound and I was desparate for any male attention. 

As far as the messy house goes, it should not be a deal breaker. If you love and respect her, it should be an easy habit to break, just clean up after yourself. My husband leaves a sticky remote on the kitchen table. He annoys me by just having a TV in the dining room. We are both messy in different ways. Other people's mess is always worse than your own.


----------



## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

Its not so much that shes a "neat freak" so to speak, from her point of view it seems she thinks a grown man should be able to clean up after himself, i sure wish my husband would, but i love him, so i dont complain. 

As far as makin the bed..i dont hardly make mine..no one goes into my room but me and my husband, so i look at it this way, why bother, youre only gonna mess it up when you go to bed, why not leave it the way it is.

I understand her wanting the dishes washed, im the same way, it prevents alot of things, such as bugs and mildew, and what not. Its easier to wash as you cook, thats what i do, wont have to worry about food sticking to the dishes.

I cant comment on eatting at the computer, cause i eat in front of the tv. No, its not how i was raised, i was raised to eat at the table, but, i would just rather be in front of the tv, thats just me, so i give you kudos on that lol, just a bit of advice tho, take ya some paper towels or somethin with you so you dont make the mouse and keyboard so greasey.  

I guess I can understand where your wife is coming from, its mostly out of respect. Habits are easy to break once you start a new one. Im sure once you set you mine to do something, you can do it.


----------

