# I know it has nothing to do with me, but that doesn't make it any better



## rejectionhurts (Sep 21, 2012)

I'm a frustrated wife who found this site this morning. Maybe writing this and getting other opinions will help. My husband has a sex addiction, which he won't admit to. He is 44 (and 300 pounds) and I'm 32 and reasonably fit, so I'm not exactly past my prime. When we first got married we had sex every day for nearly a year. It was bliss. He was my first real love. We did everything together. Before long, we had a son, then four years later another son. I actually had to convince him that the only way we were gonna have a second child is if he would put down the porn and have sex with me. 
Now, if I had my way, we'd still be having sex every day or close to it. I hadn't had much experience in that department since I was trying to save myself for the "right" guy. What a laugh, huh? Obviously he wasn't too concerned about saving himself. He probably slept with about 20 women or more in his life.
He doesn't sleep in the bedroom, instead he prefers to sleep on the sofa in the living room. Not because of a fight, just because he prefers it. He watches porn in the middle of the night, I guess. I've caught him numerous times, so many times I'm becoming numb to it. What really bothered me this morning is that my nine year old son came to me and said, "Dad's set something to record on DVR, and I don't think you'd like it. It's called "Sexy Assassins" and it's rated MA. I said, "show me," and while he was trying to, my husband walked in and asked what we were doing. My son shot me a look and I said, "Nothing." But he knew, because he didn't talk to me since then. Even my nine year old knows it's wrong! I am furious now, because of the fear that my son might be exposed to it and think it's okay. Then it will ruin his marriage and break my future daughter-in-law's heart as well. I don't want that happening.
So I've decided that from now on, on the rare occasion that he does want sex or even to cop a feel, I'm going to tell him to leave me alone. If he wants what is on tv, he can't have me, too. Hell, I've gone two months without it, what's a lifetime more? I believe someday when this relationship is over, by whatever means, I will get a second chance at a decent man. I know that sounds horrible, but that's the way I feel.


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## bearman (Sep 20, 2012)

My wifes been telling people im addicticted to sex, I love making love with my wife and if i had my way yes I would mutipal times a day. as it stands now its been months.. The guy she is seeing (I believe its an affair) had hundreds of DVD of porn. so whos the addict? he gave them to me?? what the heck am i gonna do with them?? now hes got my wife and i have a bunch ofcrap. Dont get me wrong here on rare ocasion I have watched some with my wife . But really a sex addiction???when i made love to my wife if for only five mins or over hours IT WAS just to feel close to feel a bond with her it wasnt just to get off.. I feel for you.. I have been used and getting the blame for it all.If she trys to give me some little token.. I will pass . like you its been awile andI have the rest of my life to find someone who truely cares


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## rejectionhurts (Sep 21, 2012)

Thanks, bearman. I know more guys will relate to this than women. I don't understand your wife. Oh, well, I'm just gonna keep being happy and doing the things I do normally and try to take one day at a time.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Has he been diagnosed by a professional as being a sex addict? It sounds like a lonely hurtful situation for you to be in? Why are you still with him? For the kids? Look at what they are already learning.


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## rejectionhurts (Sep 21, 2012)

The kids love him though and would be heartbroken if I left. Plus it's just less complicated to stay. I hear that question all the time, by the way. I guess there are worse things than no sex, but not many...


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## rejectionhurts (Sep 21, 2012)

And no, he has not. We had one session with a therapist last year, and my husband said, "every man does that, it's no big deal," and the therapist said, "But couples who leave porn out are so much closer." Probably true.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

rejectionhurts said:


> I guess there are worse things than no sex, but not many...


You both sound like shells of people...he is preferring an object over you..and yes there are worse things than lack of or no sex..its called no real meaning of love, no emotional connection, no real intimacy, no real bond of two human beings who are married. He is taking the easy way out...by not getting help, or trying to connect with you and letting his marriage fall by the way side... and you are willing to look the other way and stay because its less complicated..so basically no one is fighting for the marriage..but thats your choice. Good luck!


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

This is just MY opinion only so take it for what it's worth. 

I do not automatically believe that watching porn = sex addiction. But it would be an addiction if it interferes with every day life such as working, bathing, eating, sleeping, etc. Is that happening? And porn can be healthy IN MODERATION. But if your husband is replacing intimacy with you with porn. then yeah. I'd have huge issues with it too.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband IS a diagnosed sex addict. If your husband is a sex addict, he absolutely needs to see a professional and/or attend a 12 step program. Otherwise he will spiral downwards and your life will be a living hell.

By burying your head in the sand, you are enabling what he is doing. I would suggest you find a CoSA group in your area (it's for spouses of sex addicts, CoDependants of Sex Addicts) and also a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) and get yourself in to see them, just you if your husband won't go. They are trained to deal with both sex addicts and their spouses.

PLEASE read the links in my signature. AT the end of my 'story' post are some books that you should read, and the link for sex addicts and their spouses has info on how to find 12 step groups and CSAT's.

If you really want to get to the bottom of this and be happy, start with this info.


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## rejectionhurts (Sep 21, 2012)

I think if he could stop he maybe would, because he knows how much it hurts me, so why would he keep doing it? I call that an addiction. Also, it has destroyed my marriage, so I wouldn't exactly call it harmless. It is his sexual world that I am not invited to.
Jamison, I have spent 9 years of our 10 year marriage fighting for something to hang onto. You don't realise how hard it's been. It's not so easy to move on, especially when you love someone even though he's a ****head. He honestly has never done a thing for our marriage and doesn't know how. I take care of everything so it doesn't all fall apart, and I'm exhausted.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

rejectionhurts said:


> I think if he could stop he maybe would, because he knows how much it hurts me, so why would he keep doing it? I call that an addiction. Also, it has destroyed my marriage, so I wouldn't exactly call it harmless. It is his sexual world that I am not invited to.
> Jamison, I have spent 9 years of our 10 year marriage fighting for something to hang onto. You don't realise how hard it's been. It's not so easy to move on, especially when you love someone even though he's a ****head. He honestly has never done a thing for our marriage and doesn't know how. I take care of everything so it doesn't all fall apart, and I'm exhausted.


Then maybe you need to ask yourself what it is that he does or brings to the table in the marriage that makes you want to hang on. I'm sure it must go deeper than just love.


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## rejectionhurts (Sep 21, 2012)

Well, today, he has told me he doesn't feel lovey dovey about me because he feels like I argue with him too much and disrespect his mother, so maybe it's not an addiction after all, it is indeed only the fact that I am unloved, like I thought in the first place nine years ago.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

rejectionhurts said:


> Well, today, he has told me he doesn't feel lovey dovey about me because he feels like I argue with him too much and disrespect his mother, so maybe it's not an addiction after all, it is indeed only the fact that I am unloved, like I thought in the first place nine years ago.


I think he is full of BS. Even if you argue or disrespect his mother, that doesn't make someone go look at porn. I think he is trying to deflect off the real issue. 

What makes you feel unloved? How often do you argue with him? How are some ways he feels you disrespect his mother?


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Most men look at porn. Most men don't treat their wives as your husband does. I think that focusing on porn is a mistake; you should be focusing on your relationship and how he treats you and why. 

Focusing on the porn is like a doctor trying to treat the flu by saying it is the fault of high body temperature. You are looking at a symptom and seeing it as a cause.


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## rejectionhurts (Sep 21, 2012)

Yes, Johnny, I am sadly aware that most guys watch porn, although there are a few AWESOME men who don't. Before I married, I had a boyfriend who did, and it didn't bother me because he made it clear that I was better than any of that stuff. Plus I didn't really love him, so I guess I just didn't care. I already know that it's not my fault he watches it. I am willing to do almost anything they do in the movies, and I have never turned sex down (I can't, I like it too much). 
My husband treats me like I'm a nag, which is very far from the truth. I am actually very easy going. I don't fight with him all that much. Yeah, I don't like the fact that he throws garbage everywhere and pisses off the porch and wears the same clothes three times in a row, but I think every woman would say something about that, am I wrong?? As for his mother, she is miserable and nosy and wants control of our family. I've tried to be close to her and every time I talk to her, she twists my words around and tells my husband things I didn't say. Also, she told him I was talking to some guy on fb when I wasn't. She always has something to say about the state of our house, and she refuses to call before she shows up, even thought I've asked her repeatedly to do so. My husband complains about her, too. She doesn't like me and hasn't liked me for 10 years now. You'd think I'd be used to it, but it still makes me sad.


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