# Sanity check, please....



## midwest69 (Sep 12, 2013)

Does conflict with an ex-spouse ever end? Sheesh!

Short bio: EXW had affair, walked out...

My ex and I have joint custody with my 12 year old, with the split being 70/30, in her favor. She recently told me that she is headed out of town for a week soon and I would have to take my son. I had already made plans for the week but managed to reschedule many of them to help her out. Her head began to spin and went on a 3-day emotional spasm, telling me how much I disregard my son...I don't spend enough time with him...how this is HIS need, not hers...I should be there for him...I'm a worthless father...yadda...yadda. 

Ideally, we would have a relationship where there's a mutual respect, but there really is none. Everything seems so black/white to her...no middle ground. Am I wrong in thinking she should have had some level of responsibility for finding care for the times I couldn't be there, if for no other reason it was just her visitation time? She made the announcement that she's simply leaving that Monday, and ready or not, I have him. 

She's pulled similar stunts before, mainly with her JPA scheduled holidays that coincide with my weekends. She simply refuses to take him. I just keep him in those cases...it's not worth the fight, but I tell ya, the more I bend for the sake of harmony, the more I seem to enable worse behavior from her.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's hard but you must first stop the enabling.

Learn to set healthy boundaries.

If it wasn't your week to have your son and it's an inconvenience tell her no.

When she starts guilt tripping you get off the phone, leave, whatever you have to do to NOT listen to her rants.

You must first lie down before someone can walk all over you.


----------



## midwest69 (Sep 12, 2013)

She uses my son as emotional leverage....


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

midwest69 said:


> She uses my son as emotional leverage....


And?


----------



## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

midwest69 said:


> My ex and I have joint custody with my 12 year old, with the split being 70/30, in her favor. She recently told me that she is headed out of town for a week soon and I would have to take my son.


"I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting to have him that week. I already have plans that I can't cancel."



midwest69 said:


> Her head began to spin and went on a 3-day emotional spasm, telling me how much I disregard my son...I don't spend enough time with him...how this is HIS need, not hers...I should be there for him...I'm a worthless father...yadda...yadda.


"I would be happy to take more responsibility parenting our son. Perhaps we should talk to our lawyers and take another look at our custody schedule and child support obligations."



midwest69 said:


> ...the more I bend for the sake of harmony, the more I seem to enable worse behavior from her.


Yep... You sure do.


----------



## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

No, it won't end. 

Your ex wife attitude will be she is right, until she then realizes you are wrong. 

Write that down, until you get what you are dealing with. When you get it grow tougher skin. Make boundaries and enforce them. Accept you can't fix her. Love your child. 

Frankly I get it 100%. I have 80-20 custody of DS2 and I still get what a "terrible" father & co-parent I am.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Her opinion of your parenting doesn't matter. I agree whole-heartedly with Pb - his responses are dead on. That is HER time - if she has a conflict, it is up to HER to resolve. Sometimes I ask my ex to switch weekends but if I have to travel for business, I have a couple good friends with kids who can make sure homework is done, kids get to school, etc. and I make arrangements.

Now you will incur babysitting fees for the plans you can't cancel. It doesn't make you a bad father - you have a life. No need to apologize for that. I look at the calendar months in advance to make plans and I'd be pissed if my ex just assumed I could easily shuffle them around. (Which he does, such as a week of driver's ed he scheduled on my time.)


----------

