# Does telling your cheating wife (seperated) you met someone new make them want you back?



## J129 (Aug 30, 2021)

Hey guys so my wife and I have been separated for over a month. She just moved one day whwn I started accusing her of cheating. She was distant about 3-4 months before that. She blamed me for her leaving and I thought it was me. I've fixed everything she wanted and even thought of selling the house and taking on a bigger mortgage because she complained it was also the house size, I bought a 3/2 1500sf. We have 2 kids. She's been staying with her parents. She came clean yesterday and told me she been talking to someone and they started hanging out over the weekend. She only told me because my kids mentioned something about her and a guy friend. So, after me begging, crying and pleading, calling repeatedly, and her just cold hearted saying no she really like this guy and it will never work with us,, I looked for answers and found this site. I read the 180 link on here. I started letting her calls go to voicmail. Whwn I did answer I was stern n strong toned and tried to end the conversation quickly, I kept it short and only about the kids. She then texts and says hey me and that guy decided to just be friends because it's too much on both parties (he lives with his wife and family). And now she's trying to talk like nothing happened. I reached out to an old fling and we have plans to have dinner next weekend and catch up. Should I mention it to my separated wife that I started talking to someone? Will it make her want me? I honestly think its beyond repair but I do want her to feel that feeling that I'm moving on.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Don't tell her just to get that feeling of throwing it in her face. Tempting, I know....

But the long view, the big picture, is she's no longer your W or someone that has your best interests at heart.

She will use every little bit of info she has on you to somehow hurt you and bolster herself. 

So, the best thing is no. She's out of your life and personal business. Keep her out. If you want to draw some personal gotcha out of the whole thing just know she's much more in a wondering state when you share NOTHING with her.
Don't be the smaller person and get into a self destructive loop by continuing to share your now separate life intimate details with her.

She'll only hurt you later with anything you share.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

If you mention your date your wife will react poorly. Your wife wants to do what she wants and see who she wants. She does not want you to do the same. She does not want you to move on as you are her back up / plan b/ safety net.

If you don't mention that you are moving on she will react poorly. Rest assured she will learn about your date sooner or later. She will likely also accuse you of cheating. Do as I say, not as I do. It is only ok if she does it.

In keeping with 180 would recommend you not mention that you are moving on or seeing other women because your wife will try to actively interfere. You owe your wife no loyalty or explanation. She opened this door you are merely stepping through and out.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Riiiiigggghhhhttttt....it was only *THIS* weekend that she "started hanging out" with Prince Charming, is *that* what she wants you to believe?

Trust me when I tell you she's been "hanging out" with this POS for *months - *not just this past weekend! And I can ALSO pretty much guarantee you it's been a lot more than "hanging out." No woman leaves her damned husband and her home and uproots her children and takes them to her parent's house all for some guy she's *never even met FACE TO FACE.* And that's the nonsense she wants you to believe - that months of communicating with Mr. Wonderful over Skype or SnapChat is what "caused" her to move out and that she never spent time with him until AFTER she left.

You married a real lying sack of ****, OP. Why on earth you want to try to win this lying, cheating, REMORSELESS, disrespectful, monkey-branching sack of lying **** BACK literally boggles my mind.


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## J129 (Aug 30, 2021)

Thanks for the advice. This definitely is hard. I've given 10 years of my life to her, climbed the career ladder for her n the kids, took her on many vacations, my family took her as family. I felt crushed when she was sitting on the phone so cold telling me how they met and how he's a good guy and respectful and she told me she can never be loyal to me and has been talking to guys on social media before this. As I'm crying n eating to save our family. Then after she seen him again yesterday while I had the kids and we were at Barnes n nobles, and after I played the cold 180 role on her she texts n calls n says they decided to just be friends and won't be hooking up anymore and she wanted me to know that. Idk what she's doing or what happened in such short time


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Riiiiigggghhhhttttt....it was only *THIS* weekend that she "started hanging out" with Prince Charming, is *that* what she wants you to believe?
> 
> Trust me when I tell you she's been "hanging out" with this POS for *months - *not just this past weekend! And I can ALSO pretty much guarantee you it's been a lot more than "hanging out." No woman leaves her damned husband and her home and uproots her children and takes them to her parent's house all for some guy she's *never even met FACE TO FACE.* And that's the nonsense she wants you to believe - that months of communicating with Mr. Wonderful over Skype or SnapChat is what "caused" her to move out and that she never spent time with him until AFTER she left.
> 
> You married a real lying sack of **, OP. Why on earth you want to try to win this lying, cheating, REMORSELESS, disrespectful, monkey-branching sack of lying ** BACK literally boggles my mind.


To the point!!

I'd expect no less!! 👍👍👍


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Don't give in. Keep up the 180.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

J129 said:


> Hey guys so my wife and I have been separated for over a month. She just moved one day whwn I started accusing her of cheating. *She was distant about 3-4 months before that.* She blamed me for her leaving and I thought it was me.
> *Go online and check your phone bill. That’s when her sexual affair started. They separate so they can focus on their shiny new boyfriend with you out of the way.*
> 
> 
> ...


You need to stop being so naive. Your wife is a lying cheater. Nothing special at all. Cheaters are a dime a dozen. Until you wake up you’ll just get more.
Playing Little games to try and get her to come back won’t get you a thing. Is this the life you want?

*You are only a chump if you allow it. Wake up!!!*


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

J129 said:


> Thanks for the advice. This definitely is hard. I've given 10 years of my life to her, climbed the career ladder for her n the kids, took her on many vacations, my family took her as family. I felt crushed when she was sitting on the phone so cold telling me how they met and how he's a good guy and respectful and she told me she can never be loyal to me and has been talking to guys on social media before this. As I'm crying n eating to save our family. Then after she seen him again yesterday while I had the kids and we were at Barnes n nobles, and after I played the cold 180 role on her she texts n calls n says they decided to just be friends and won't be hooking up anymore and she wanted me to know that. Idk what she's doing or what happened in such short time


Just because you love her doesn’t mean squat. She doesn’t love you or she wouldn’t be out screwing her new boyfriend. Her actions tell you what you need to know. Her words are that of a lying cheater.

We’re just friends is the biggest lie told. You should inform his wife immediately. Don’t make the mistake of helping hide their affair.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Get a divorce lawyer yesterday.
Find the best in your area. Make sure they know your wife moved out of the home.

Do you have the kids 50/50 or did she take them with her? Make sure you get the child custody taken care of as soon as possible. Go for 50/50 and primary.

Make sure you have your kids 1/2 of the time. Swapping out week to week.

Follow your lawyer’s advice.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Do not throw the date in your wife’s face.

I would suggest not going until your wife is served with divorce papers.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Look man. I know you’re in shock and just can’t believe this but the quicker you wake up, get strong and stay there the better off you’ll be. Get to an attorney. Knowledge is power.

You don’t realize it yet but cheating is a life long gift she’s given you. Upfront most just want them back without thinking about what they’d be getting back.

Do not bring another woman into this right now. You don’t need more problems. Fix what you’ve got first.

This isn’t high school. She was your wife. The thing you have to realize is this could happen again if this even stops which it may not. Right now she is testing you out for her plan B backup. Nothing more.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

J129 said:


> Thanks for the advice. This definitely is hard. I've given 10 years of my life to her, climbed the career ladder for her n the kids, took her on many vacations, my family took her as family. *I felt crushed when she was sitting on the phone so cold telling me how they met and how he's a good guy and respectful and she told me she can never be loyal to me and has been talking to guys on social media before this. As I'm crying n eating to save our family. *Then after she seen him again yesterday while I had the kids and we were at Barnes n nobles, and after I played the cold 180 role on her she texts n calls n says they decided to just be friends and won't be hooking up anymore and she wanted me to know that. Idk what she's doing or what happened in such short time


You can’t save this. That would be up to her. Full exposure to friends and family. His wife too. When they tell you who they are not believing them is on you!. You need all the support you can get.
Being a doormat and chump will only make this worse.
I hope you wake up you need too.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your words, talk are meaningless. Only your actions will count.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

J129 said:


> She then texts and says hey me and that guy decided to just be friends because it's too much on both parties (he lives with his wife and family).


Translation: He was fine with me as a side piece; but, he's not leaving his wife for a cheater.

He dumped her and now she thinks she can waltz back home and pretend nothing happened until the next shiny object catches her eye.

Divorce her and keep your mouth shut about your personal activities - that includes not telling your kids because your wife will milk them for info.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

The 180 is working so keep it up, give away nothing to your wife especially any romantic activities with others.

Eventually every last vestigial part of that man who loved her will be gone and you will be able to move on without any danger of being bamboozled into taking the cheating, lying woman back.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I think you misunderstand the 180. Its not about getting someone else back it's about getting yourself back. What you are going through sucks, BAD. We all get that. Unfortunately your marriage is over. Your concern now is you and your children. See a lawyer NOW and look out for your 2 concerns.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

It doesn't matter what she wants, what she wants should not be in your preview, your preview should be focused ONLY on yourself and your kids....SO hell yes go out to dinner with your friend, but don't tell her, she does not matter other then being a co-parent to your kids...she told you once and for all she could never be loyal to you that is all you needed to hear...she is nothing but a cheating piece of trash and you are no longer responsible for her happiness...start to file for divorce.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

IF you do you are as bad as she is, depends if you are ok with that. You two need to sort out your marriage before you think of dating again.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> IF you do you are as bad as she is, depends if you are ok with that. You two need to sort out your marriage before you think of dating again.


I disagree. He is nowhere near as bad as she is, no matter what he does from this point forward. 
She broke the rules, she shattered and threw away her vows and their marriage. There are no rules anymore because the marriage as mutually agreed upon doesn’t exist anymore. 

That said, the important question now is - what is effective and productive at this point to advance his best interests and the best way to get him to the best possible outcome. 
And from that standpoint, it’s not in his best interest to advertise his new relationship or try to rub it in his wife’s face. I don’t begrudge him for doing it, just not advantageous to tell her about it at this time.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

File for divorce and don't look back. Also, expose the affair partner to his wife. She deserves to know she is married to a pos.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> IF you do you are as bad as she is, depends if you are ok with that. You two need to sort out your marriage before you think of dating again.


This is utterly ridiculous. There is no marriage to sort out. She nuked it.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

J129 said:


> So, after me begging, crying and pleading, calling repeatedly, and her just cold hearted saying no she really like this guy and it will never work with us,


Now you know first hand that doing the "Pick Me Dance" doesn't work, it does the complete opposite!
And when you did:


J129 said:


> I read the 180 link on here. I started letting her calls go to voicmail. Whwn I did answer I was stern n strong toned and tried to end the conversation quickly, I kept it short and only about the kids. She then texts and says hey me and that guy decided to just be friends because it's too much on both parties (he lives with his wife and family). And now she's trying to talk like nothing happened.


Now you might understand why relationship advisors always say that men must be strong, masculine and have emotional strength to always be attractive to women!
Bending backwards, crying and pleading makes you look weak and pathetic!
Your wife took the risk and gambled with her family to be with this man, she banged him countless times, and probably gave you sloppy seconds without you known!
She sacrificed every thing to be with him, and now they are just friends.. Wow just WOW!

The truth is, he dumped her but not fully, *he is very smart*, he doesn't want a cheater, he knows the end result if he commits to such woman with low moral values, a woman who was willing to nuke her family, he is probably shocked that she actually went through it!
He only wanted her as a side piece, no commitment and easy free sex!
He finished, and threw you the leftovers, got her for free when you paid the full price, he probably convinced her to be just friends for now and maybe even convinced her to get her "family" back so he can go for round two (the easy free sex)!!
Even with being "just friends" he will get free sex from her when ever he wanted!

Now you need to be more smart!
Stop selling yourself short!
Stop accepting his leftovers!
Maintain your dignity and self respect!

If she calls you asking to work on the marriage or send signals to get back together, tell her you're not interested in having sloppy seconds of other men!
If she said she never had sex with anyone, tell her you don't trust a word she says and not to waste her breath!
Don't gaslight yourself saying I will do it for the kids or because of finance, only chumps and pussified men do that!
You have nothing to work with, she is not remorseful, she told you point blank that she could never be loyal to you, so don't waste you time and lower your value!

You were disrespected to a level that only anger, strength and decisiveness will get that back!
Show her that you are worth more, and that you can find better!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DudeInProgress said:


> I disagree. He is nowhere near as bad as she is, no matter what he does from this point forward.
> She broke the rules, she shattered and threw away her vows and their marriage. There are no rules anymore because the marriage as mutually agreed upon doesn’t exist anymore.
> 
> That said, the important question now is - what is effective and productive at this point to advance his best interests and the best way to get him to the best possible outcome.
> And from that standpoint, it’s not in his best interest to advertise his new relationship or try to rub it in his wife’s face. I don’t begrudge him for doing it, just not advantageous to tell her about it at this time.


When was it mutually agreed on that the marriage doeant exist any more? 
I would suggest that the OP needs to decide what is happening about his marriage and if he wants to starts the divorce process before he starts dating again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tested_by_stress said:


> This is utterly ridiculous. There is no marriage to sort out. She nuked it.


Has he stated the divorce process?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> When was it mutually agreed on that the marriage doeant exist any more?
> I would suggest that the OP needs to decide what is happening about his marriage and if he wants to starts the divorce process before he starts dating again.


One of the core, existential conditions of the marriage (her not giving herself to another man) was broken, therefore all other conditions of the marriage are no longer valid either. He is no longer beholden to any obligations to her.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Flip the table @J129 and *blindsided* her with divorce papers, but this time *YOU *don't want her any more, *YOU *don't need her, *YOU* will find better!

Is it going to be painful? Yes, very much, but the difference between weak men who failed in life and strong successful men is that strong successful men understand how the world works, they understand human (male and female) nature, they lick their wounds and move on quickly, they never look back only to learn lessons from it, they always maintain their dignity and self respect, and they NEVER ever tolerate disrespect and disloyalty from anyone not even their own children, that's why they are strong and successful men, they are never afraid to start over from zero, read famous leaders and CEOs bios and see the pain and hurt they went through to reach where they are!
They lead by example, that's why their children are strong and successful as well!

Never be afraid to build something new!
Always remember you did every thing you can for this woman, and she took you for granted and disrespected you!
You were disrespected to a level that only anger, strength and decisiveness will get that back!
Show her that you are worth more, and that you can find better!
She will soon see what she lost!
Don't deny yourself happiness!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

J129 said:


> Hey guys so my wife and I have been separated for over a month. She just moved one day whwn I started accusing her of cheating. She was distant about 3-4 months before that. She blamed me for her leaving and I thought it was me. I've fixed everything she wanted and even thought of selling the house and taking on a bigger mortgage because she complained it was also the house size, I bought a 3/2 1500sf. We have 2 kids. She's been staying with her parents. She came clean yesterday and told me she been talking to someone and they started hanging out over the weekend. She only told me because my kids mentioned something about her and a guy friend. So, after me begging, crying and pleading, calling repeatedly, and her just cold hearted saying no she really like this guy and it will never work with us,, I looked for answers and found this site. I read the 180 link on here. I started letting her calls go to voicmail. Whwn I did answer I was stern n strong toned and tried to end the conversation quickly, I kept it short and only about the kids. She then texts and says hey me and that guy decided to just be friends because it's too much on both parties (he lives with his wife and family). And now she's trying to talk like nothing happened. I reached out to an old fling and we have plans to have dinner next weekend and catch up. Should I mention it to my separated wife that I started talking to someone? Will it make her want me? I honestly think its beyond repair but I do want her to feel that feeling that I'm moving on.


If they are a crazy narcissist, sure!


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> When was it mutually agreed on that the marriage doeant exist any more?
> I would suggest that the OP needs to decide what is happening about his marriage and if he wants to starts the divorce process before he starts dating again.


I agree he doesn't yet need to start dating. One of 2 things his wife has made glaringly obvious. Either the marriage is over or they have an open relationship where she can go out find somebody better while he waits begging at home. It's a ****ty choice but its the gauntlet she has thrown down. His marriage (at least any remote version of what it was) is over.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Stop breaking your back for this woman and thinking you need to take on even more financial responsibility just to please her. Who is she, the Queen of England? Is it lined in gold? No. She’s been sleeping with this other guy and stringing you along as her back up plan. Man up and cut the cord. Divorce her azz and start looking out for yourself. Start doing what’s best for you and your kids. You will find someone else. Just focus on yourself for now.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> IF you do you are as bad as she is, depends if you are ok with that. You two need to sort out your marriage before you think of dating again.



I believe his wife ended the marriage when she moved out and started dating her affair partner. 

All that is left is for the lawyers to sort out the mess she made.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> When was it mutually agreed on that the marriage doeant exist any more?
> I would suggest that the OP needs to decide what is happening about his marriage and if he wants to starts the divorce process before he starts dating again.


There is nothing mutual when the wife leaves the marital home to date her affair partner. She ended it then. She also told OP she doesn’t see them working this out to stay together. She ended the marriage on her own.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Kaliber has told you everything you need to know, I have nothing to add. Great post Kaliber. Sorry OP. Be over and done with this “lady”.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

J129 said:


> I've fixed everything she wanted and even thought of selling the house and taking on a bigger mortgage because she complained it was also the house size,


I'd sell the house and rent somewhere until this is finished.
Divorce court can't award her half your landlords house.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

Ugh. Another one bites thedust. Sorry OP. Gah damnit this is way too common and the stories are all the same.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Has he stated the divorce process?


No....But for all intents and purposes, she has started the process.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

The cruelest way to deal with this is to let others tell her. IF she asks you about it, simply say "It might be true. Why do you ask?" Also remind her, that since whatever date, she has been dating whomever. At this point it doesn't matter if it was before or after separation started. She did it first. Then keep a diary of your interactions with her.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

NTA said:


> The cruelest way to deal with this is to let others tell her. IF she asks you about it, simply say "It might be true. Why do you ask?" Also remind her, that since whatever date, she has been dating whomever. At this point it doesn't matter if it was before or after separation started. She did it first. Then keep a diary of your interactions with her.


Nothing makes a narc cheater go crazy like being ghosted!
Nothing will kill her more than shown that you don't care about her or about anything happening in her private life as long it doesn't affect the kids!
If she asks you any thing personal just tell her to keep it about the kids only, and that she has no business in known any thing about your private life anymore, and you have no interest of known anything about hers as well!
That's my advice @J129


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

The goal is to truly not care what she thinks about what you do. Playing games to make her think you don't care is just weak and doesn't preserve yourself respect at all or help your healing. It just keeps you focused on her and bitter. So keep your eye on the goal of genuinely not caring what she thinks about what you do. But file for divorce first.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

J,
How are you doing?

Hope you are doing well.
Hang in there, stay strong, and do what is best FOR YOU!!!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

J129 said:


> Hey guys so my wife and I have been separated for over a month. She just moved one day whwn I started accusing her of cheating. She was distant about 3-4 months before that. She blamed me for her leaving and I thought it was me. I've fixed everything she wanted and even thought of selling the house and taking on a bigger mortgage because she complained it was also the house size, I bought a 3/2 1500sf. We have 2 kids. She's been staying with her parents. She came clean yesterday and told me she been talking to someone and they started hanging out over the weekend. She only told me because my kids mentioned something about her and a guy friend. So, after me begging, crying and pleading, calling repeatedly, and her just cold hearted saying no she really like this guy and it will never work with us,, I looked for answers and found this site. I read the 180 link on here. I started letting her calls go to voicmail. Whwn I did answer I was stern n strong toned and tried to end the conversation quickly, I kept it short and only about the kids. She then texts and says hey me and that guy decided to just be friends because it's too much on both parties (he lives with his wife and family). And now she's trying to talk like nothing happened. I reached out to an old fling and we have plans to have dinner next weekend and catch up. Should I mention it to my separated wife that I started talking to someone? Will it make her want me? I honestly think its beyond repair but I do want her to feel that feeling that I'm moving on.


Unless you can back it up in some way, I wouldn't recommend it. You'll just look like a fool.

Just offer her the second chance to reconcile, give her a week or something reasonable. If she doesn't, make it a quick divorce.


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