# Am I a bad person now?



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

As I have mentioned, I reconnected with an old boyfriend of mine. We started talking on the phone and at first we were going to wait until my divorce was final before we got together, but then we went out to dinner together last night and I ended up staying the night at his house. It was so good to see him after all this time (Feb 2006 was the last time I saw him) We talked about re-kindling what we had before. Am I wrong for staying the night with him last night? Does this make me as bad as my H, even though my H and I are separated and no longer living together? And I did not re-connect with my old BF until after my H and I were already apart.


----------



## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

No, you're not a bad person. You've been through so much and I read your posts yesterday and it seemed like you were pretty psyched to see him. It's only natural for someone whose heart has been trampled on to want to feel like they matter to someone. 

Ideally, waiting for the divorce to be final would have been nice. Do you feel like you're over your husband enough to rekindle this relationship? Just try to be sure, so that this guy doesn't end up hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Apple,

Only you can judge yourself and only you can decide whether or not you have compromised your core value system.

The divorce has not been finalized and this rebound relationship can blow up in your face leaving you worse off than before.

Choose wisely.


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I would not hurt this guy. I like him alot. Yes, my marriage is over. My stbxh has hurt me way too many times. I would like to re-kindle this relationship with my friend. With my stbxh I always had to worry about where he was, who he was with and what he was doing, with my friend, I have none of those worries. And knowing that I do not have to have any of those stresses is really, really good.


----------



## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

How long did you date him before? Why did you break up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

LuvMyH said:


> How long did you date him before? Why did you break up?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


we only dated very briefly, about 2 to 3 months. We broke up because I got back together with my husband. (long story short: my H and I separated in 2003 after he left me for ow. we were separated and living apart for nearly 2 years when I met this guy. Then my H came to me and was sorry and wanted another chance, so I gave him one)


----------



## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Tread carefully. When will your dvorce be final?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

AppleDucklings, far be it for me to judge you, but since you asked... No, I do not believe what you have described makes you a bad person. You may want to proceed with intentional caution with rekindling to make sure it is right for all involved. Just be honest with yourself and your old BF. If he is right for you, he will not object to a little patience on your end.

I wish you the best


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Why did you stay the night?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Kiddo, be careful. I am worried you are in over your head. Just because you dated before doesn't stop the clock on recovering from stbx.

How's IC coming? It didn't you start yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

Are you a bad person? No. Just as bad as your husband? Absolutely not.

But did you make an unwise decision? Probably.

You have the rest of your life to move on, I think the focus should be on YOU right now rather than on someone else. Even if that's making you happy at the moment, I think that *you *should make you happy first. _Then _let someone else take the reins.


----------



## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

I remember you contemplating this "thought" a few weeks ago and I told you to be careful. The reason is because you might still want your H back if he comes around (even if it took an epiphany.) You've taken him back many times before...

However, to be fair, you deserve to be happy, and if you had sex with this other guy, your husband deserved it too. I think this is exactly what you needed to show you that there are other people out there that can make you happy than an emotionally abusive husband. 

Don't feel bad. I met a nice woman too, but I drew a thick line between friendship and emotional attachment simply because I'm still in love with my wife and she wants to reconcile. If I were you, I would have done what you did in 2003...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your still married and will be until the divorce papers are signed, the friend should have enough respect for you to stand back and be a friend , a friend does not sleep with you when you are at your weakest.The relationship with the friend can be classified as a revenge affair . Step back keep your dignity , place a distance between you and the friend and focus on sorting your own life out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree with Eli-Zor.


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Yes, I did have sex with him last night and I do not regret it, I do not feel the least bit bad about it. Should we have waited? Yeah, I do think we should have but I dont feel bad that it happened. I don't see this guy as a rebound or a revenge. I genuinely like him alot and I always have. I believe he likes me too, and I think that we may begin to re-kindle what we had before to see if we can ignite a spark.


----------



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Apple hun, I know you like this guy, and I know the pain you are going through. It's nice to have someone show you attention, and have someone to hold. 

But are you really ready for it? You just seperated from your H who was a lying cheating son of a .... well you know. I'm afraid you are jumping too fast into something, and it might end badly. You need time to heal, time to grow... time to find out WHO apple is without her lying cheating H.

I think if this man enjoys your company and truely wants to rekindle what you had or may have. Then he will wait. He will give you time. He will be there for you when YOU are ready. 

Tread lightly hun, cuz this could go very badly. Please spend some time finding yourself before you jump head first into someone else.

I have moments too where I would love someone to hold, wake up to someone next to me, someone to cuddle, someone to laugh with, someone to share my day with. But I know I am nowhere CLOSE to ready. I need to find me.. the Lilyana thats been suffocated and buried for so long, because I have always put my H before even myself. 

I wish you the best Apple, I just don't want to see you worse off a few weeks from now.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Apple no disrespect ment to you but your very words can be cut from posts on an affair site they are close to what OM's and OW's write. All I say is two wrongs do not make a right , your friend if he has your interests at heart should respect you and should have the courtesy to wait for your divorce to be finalised. Protect your soul a future relationship can wait.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

And by the way Apple...

It DOES NOT make you a bad person...

It makes you human


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

My H never appreciated me. He never cared, he never took the time to make me feel loved or special. I tried so hard to make him happy, thinking that if he saw how much I loved him, he would love me back but that didnt happen. I learned you cant make someone love you. With this guy, I like the attention, I like that someone is thinking of me, I like that I feel like I actually matter.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

No, you cannot make someone love you... no matter how hard you try.


----------



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Apple you DO matter.. to yourself and your kids! Do you know that tho? Do you realize how important you are WITHOUT a man being the one to make you feel that way?


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

so, my friend has not contacted me today. I last spoke to him at 8 am as I was leaving his house. I don't know if him not contacting me so far today should bother me or not, but it does.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

He may be sitting at home thinking the same thing, or maybe not. Only one way to find out. If you don't hear from him by tomorow evening, give him a call. Good luck.


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I called him. All is well, I feel better


----------



## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> My H never appreciated me. He never cared, he never took the time to make me feel loved or special. I tried so hard to make him happy, thinking that if he saw how much I loved him, he would love me back but that didnt happen. I learned you cant make someone love you. With this guy, I like the attention, I like that someone is thinking of me, I like that I feel like I actually matter.


I wonder if my wife told this same thing to her the OM about me... Probably.


----------



## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Gotta say Apple that you sound like you're trying to justify your affair. You are married and having sex with someone who isn't your husband. An affair is an affair.

The I also question a guy who told you a few days ago that he would wait until after the divorce. He is now having sex with someone else's wife.

Does any of this sound like a good solid foundation for a relationship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Apple never said she was going to marry this new guy. She just did a little bumpin n grindin, ya'll...


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Look, I never said what happened was right but the fact is that my H had already left me. He had checked out of our marriage 6 months ago by having 2 different affairs with 2 different women. I did not get together with this guy until after my H was already gone and moved out. We no longer have a marriage. We are legally married, yes, but the marriage is dead. I've been on here 2 months now and you all have been very helpful and very supportive and I tell you all things to get back both positive advice and constructive criticism. And so that things are clear, I NEVER would have been with any one else had my H been together. Right now, we are not together. We do not live together, we have no more life together. What I have said about him not appreciating me is not "an excuse" that is the truth. I stayed with him b/c I so bad wanted my family but when I found out about yet another affair, that was the last straw for me. Far as things with my friend goes, I like him and I plan on continuing to be with him. Far as faithfulness goes, I am absolutely faithful to the one I with. I NEVER cheated on my husband while we were together and if we were together now, I certainly would not be with anyone else. Believe what you want but this is the way it is.


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

RWB said:


> AD,
> 
> Originally Posted by AppleDucklings
> 
> ...


I have to assume that you have always been faithful to your wife. My H has not been to me. He checked out of our marriage mentally at least 6 months ago and he confessed to his affairs a month and half ago. My H was already gone and moved out and moved on with ow himself before I ever got involved with someone else. I did not it simply because I felt neglected.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Apple, you're not a bad person but I would tread very carefully.

I would tell you to wait til the divorce is done and over but you of course will choose whichever path you feel is best for you so with that said: You are very vulnerable right now and it will be very easy to get swept up in something meanwhile the reality is you are going through a very traumatic event in your life.

Be careful. Use condoms if you're going to be sleeping with him.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Apple, you asked for people's opinions. Obviously, you felt some guilt over your decision or you would not have asked for the opinions. When people do not support your decision to sleep with the other man, you become defensive. Why ask for opinions? You obvoiusly just want the opionions that reinforce your decision. I am not trying to be judgmental, but I tend to agree with the posters that you should wait. If a relationship with this man is meant to be, he will gladly wait until your divorce is final. Do you live in a "no-fault" state? If not, you really need to think about your children. I do not live in a no-fault state and I work in the legal system. I can tell you that Judges do not look kindly on the cheating party. Please consider waiting to begin a physical relationship with this man until your divorce is final. I understand you are hurt and how great it is to have someone nice paying attention to you; however, please do not get right back into a relationship before you legally get out of the one you are in.


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I do appreciate everyone's words and I am sorry for coming across as defensive. I guess I probably am a bit. I guess I feel, right or wrong, he did it to me first and he has done it several times. Maybe it's time for me to be happy already.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You most certainly do deserve to be happy. Two wrongs, however, do not make a right. Why do you feel you need to get into a physical relationship at this very moment? You can justify your relationship with this man in your mind any way you want, the fact remains that you are still married.


----------



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Apple, honestly, I think it's what YOU needed right now. And that's okay. You needed to feel desired and wanted and worth it. Your self-worth and self-esteem have been damaged by your H. Why don't you deserve a little attention? 

You are still married, legally, but I do question the whole "Still married in the eyes of God" thing my friend throws at me. I think the marriage was broken and over when H cheated on me and broke the vows. It was over when he checked out and I was hanging by a thread. Once I let go, I think God became my husband and absolved my marriage. That being said, I KNOW that my next relationship would be a rebound. I want to wait until I am healed enough and beyond this divorce. I am not ready. I met up with a man I met online, and that told me 100% that I'm not ready. 

I can see with someone from my past it would be easier, and have fun girl! But just tread carefully. If this is someone who you can imagine having a future with, the chances of it making it past rebound stage are grim. Call it what it is, a rebound. But you definitely are not as bad as H, not even close. It isn't the same thing.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> I guess I feel, right or wrong, he did it to me first...


Do yourself and us a favor, stop talking. I have read every word that you have written from day 1, I empathized with your situation and in many ways hurt for you. Like many of us, your life had dealt you a painful hand. 

I'm not going to walk on egg shells with you or look for any extended truth which makes what your doing any different from any other fogged cheater. FACT: You are still married, you are seeking sex and comfort outside of that marriage... So just stop with the "but, but, but, but"... It's crap. Just be accountable and responsible for the choice you have made. 

This is how you choose to play your hand. Stop defending your decision to go outside of your marriage. You did it, your are an unfaithful spouse. You have your reasons and if you sleep easy repeating them to yourself, great. But stop spewing the foggy talk



AppleDucklings said:


> * my H had already left me.
> * He had checked out of our marriage 6 months ago by having 2 different affairs with 2 different women.
> * I did not get together with this guy until after my H was already gone and moved out.
> * We no longer have a marriage.
> ...


I would expect you hear these words coming out of your own mouth and recognize them, SUUUUUUUUURE it's different with _your_ situation.... Of course it is.

You really think that your husband doesnt have a list of things exactly like your list above that he was saying to himself and people around him before he did what he did to you? 

You are just as married to him now as he was to you when he went outside your marriage.

Because _you_ feel different now, doesnt give you licence to justify the contract you are breaking.



AppleDucklings said:


> * Far as faithfulness goes, I am absolutely faithful to the one I with.
> 
> * I NEVER cheated on my husband while we were together.


No, your not. and Yes, you just did. 

Black and white. Are you divorced??? _ No._ Are you married??? _Yes._. Are you having sex with a man that is not the person you are married to? _Yes._

I do like you, make no mistake. I am not trying to attack you personally. But stop sewing the justifications.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Pit,

AD's husband sort of broke that contract first. In the "business" world, first person to break the contract nulls and voids it.

People like to think everything in the world is black and white. If it was, this site wouldn't need to exist.

Apple,
Do what you feel is right in your own heart. If you want to keep this relationship then do it. If you don't, then don't. Only you are the judge of you. In the end it's what you think is right and what you can live with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Do yourself and us a favor, stop talking. I have read every word that you have written from day 1, I empathized with your situation and in many ways hurt for you. Like many of us, your life had dealt you a painful hand.
> 
> I'm not going to walk on egg shells with you or look for any extended truth which makes what your doing any different from any other fogged cheater. FACT: You are still married, you are seeking sex and comfort outside of that marriage... So just stop with the "but, but, but, but"... It's crap. Just be accountable and responsible for the choice you have made.
> 
> ...


Thank you for speaking honestly. Perhaps it is what I need to hear and I probably do need to take a good look at my situation. I will end this thread now.


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Pit,
> 
> AD's husband sort of broke that contract first. In the "business" world, first person to break the contract nulls and voids it.
> 
> ...


It's ok. I am not offended by Pit's words. I am glad he is speaking out and speaking what he feels. Everyone here has the right to say what they feel one way or the other. Per request, I will stop with this thread but I will still remain an active member here. I like this site and I like the people here. I am a person who is very much in favor of marriage and the reconciliation of marriages. I will support Pit and all others who want their spouses home. My marriage is over though. It is dead. I see this as a site where I can be open and honest and where people can give me their honest feedback and that is what I got.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I'm glad that you took what I was saying in the context that I intended.

I am NOT saying that I dont understand, and Im not saying your a "bad" person. When you explain what happened and it's littered with justifications, excuses, and DS foggy talk you sprung a huge trigger. Your situation is what it is, you made a choice to do what you did. Understandable or not, just own it. That's all Im saying I read what I repliued with and perhaps I should have been more clear, I didn't mean to "stop talking" in genreal, I quoted your first reply with the "he did it first" and should have clearly said to "stop talking" in the terms you were using. the foggy talk.

Again, it is what it is. I agree with everything Im worth that your marriage is a trainwreck you should have gotten out of a longtime ago and you are making the right decision to finally sever yourself from that abusive situation... But, I do not agree with the decision you made to seek comfort with another man while you are still technically married. You are in many ways "broken" and seeking another person to "fix" or fill those voids is not the answer. You are carrying a TON of toxic history and emotional poison right now, I think what others have said is "be careful"... I echo that, for the reason I mention. This cycle has to be broken, the circle completed, I believe that you have to finish and close that chapter and heal some of these wounds... I think seeking someone else to help heal them is dangerous... Im saying this for YOU. I do care, I do want you to move on with your life and I genuinely think you deserve to be happy.


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I do appreciate your openness, Pit. I would not want anyone to sugar coat anything. I want to know how they feel. I asked for it, so give it to me. I understand that "trigger". There are situations that I am very sensitive to. I did not have to talk about what happened, nobody would have known but I made the decision to speak about it, I made the choice to be open. Everything that I have ever posted on here has been true. Please know that I do know the pain an unfaithful spouse causes, I know how it causes great sensitivity even when it's not happening in your own life simply because you already know that pain. I can understand how you could not agree with my decision to be with someone else and when I said I never would have been with someone else if I was still with my H, that is true. I NEVER would have been, but my H and I are not together anymore and we had already been separated and living apart before any of this happened. Still, I do understand your point of view.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

So I had better cancel those Business Class tickets and the chopper I guess

Apple all I can say is. Good. You deserve it. You deserve to feel good. It is wonderful to be with someone who likes you. Just for you. Your husband had checked out and he is not coming back. Apart from religious considerations [which I don't have] then why not?
In fact.
I just spent the weekend at my new girlfriends. So I knows how you feel
All I say is. Protect your heart. Protect it. Your new friend will understand this. 
Farewell My friend!


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

ing said:


> So I had better cancel those Business Class tickets and the chopper I guess
> 
> Apple all I can say is. Good. You deserve it. You deserve to feel good. It is wonderful to be with someone who likes you. Just for you. Your husband had checked out and he is not coming back. Apart from religious considerations [which I don't have] then why not?
> In fact.
> ...


Don't tell me good bye yet, Ing. I'm still going to be on here


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Don't tell me good bye yet, Ing. I'm still going to be on here


Good!
There is such a long way to go. 
I think recognizing that there is still so much pain and making it open without burdening your new friend is probably a good idea. 

My new new friend knows when I have had contact with the ex.
"Do you need a walk.. Or a talk" she says 

I generally take the walk. Mostly I just need a 10 minute stomp up the road and back.


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I do like my friend and I do want to be with him but it is one step at a time. I figure if things are "meant to be" for me and him, then it will all just fall into place when the time is right  Today, I am working on some legal aid do it yourself forms online. The H and I do have an uncontested divorce so we are looking into doing it ourselves. If all goes right, divorce should be filed with the courts by Friday. (Funny thing is, Saturday will, or would have been, our 14 year wedding anniversary)


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> I wonder if my wife told this same thing to her the OM about me... Probably.



Yes, I'm sure she did. I'm sure mine did as well. Apple, look at all of the threads on here and see what the Wayward Spouses say. I hope this works out for you, but I agree that it sure looks way too fast.


----------



## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

:iagree::iagree::iagree: with Pit.

many times i've wanted to say/post just what he did (his 1st response here)to many here who've written about their recent "doings" so as to garner support or perhaps, debate (hmmmm!) on the subject of infidelity or in this case, "Rebound infidelity."

yet most of the time, its wasted effort/time 'cuz these folk r in
a "fog" excuse/denial/immature zone of their own, so i dont bother.

i wanted to say the same thing Pit, tks for doing it for me.

i'm inclined to think that after reading other AD posts she was
leaning towards stirring a debate here moreso than anything else. o/wise, she'd not have bothered to detail what shes not
"sorry" for.

tks again POS.


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

No, I was not looking to "stir up a debate" I was looking for people's thoughts, no matter what the thought was. I also thank Pit for his post. I am glad he spoke his true feelings. I spoke about what happened by choice. I did not have too and if I had not, no one would have been none the wiser. I am not sure how to take your post, CB45.


----------

