# The 180 Plan



## Vod (Jun 23, 2011)

Hi all. A few days ago my wife told me she wanted a divorce. Its a complex story and not without pain on both sides. We have been to the brink quite a few times but never to this stage where I feel it really is the real deal this time. 

Maybe I will go into more detail on a later post. 
After 5 days of silent abuse to each other she did finally say it and was very clear. And it all started with an argument over somthing trivial, but yep they are many underlining problems. I did though get to the point where yesterday morning i woke up alone in bed (she is sleeping in another room) I woke up in a panic. WTF has happened is this it ? You can imagine.

When my wife got up we had to discuss some vital financial issues. She was in no mood and then I swung the converstation around to the divroce. I ended up doing the pleading part and almost begging. It was horrific. It lasted around 5 minutes after which I took a deep breath and walked out. So much verbal abuse has been said on both sides I could not take it anymore. I also am refusing to stoop down to the level of some maggot of a man sobbing and clasping at his wifes leg begging for another chance.

Then I read this forum - lots of it in the last 24 hours as I decided to sleep at my brothers house. It has been both depressing and upsetting reading the pain of others and im still not sure its a good thing for me reading here. But what the heck here I am posting. 

I then stumbled across the 180 plan , and saw that this is somthing in parts I have already started. The past 2 days I have spent away from the house. I did not call or text or email. Then as last night and today wore on more and more texts and calls came through asking me where I was - she was worried. At first I just wanted to be on my own to get a goods night sleep as I have not slept properly in 5 or 6 days. But then I started to enjoy in a pervse way the way in which she was getting more and more worried. 

I did feel some guilt but also felt like I had at least regained a small amount of self pride. Horrible I know. Then tonight she called my brothers house where I am staying as she was worried. He told her he had heard from me and I was fine - just wanting space. Call ended on amicable terms. Now though Im thinking - am I playing the 180 game ? And if so have I done more harm than good. First were her txts of "where are you are you OK" Then they got more frantic as the day wore on. Then finally a text to me saying "its ok I know your at your brothers" 

Have I lost ground with this ? Should I have replied to her frantic txts ? I feel like **** tonight , laid here alone, thinking about the hell of what we have to face. As I said i only learned about the 180 plan in the past days. But not sure if by not replying telling her I was ok I have made a very bad situ even worse ? 

In the end at the moment it all seems like a chess game to me. Im not even sure I could run the 180 plan in truth. It seems so set - so devoid of any real feeling. A big game. I could be wrong - I dont know. 

Sorry if its a disjointed post but im tired as hell here ) Vod


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I think you should read Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis. It really has been an eye opener for me.

I'm sorry your going through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

It is a game. Think of it as a big game to get your wife to see the light of day.
look. Do the 180. Keep doing it. It seems counterintuitive, but it works; I think most people have a hard time understanding this. It's all based on human emotions and thought patterns. This
Is why it works, but of course there are no guarantees.

Time to start your A game.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

I don't believe any of this is a game. You do the 180 because you need to protect yourself. The 180 puts you in control of how much contact you are willing to have. It allows you to take care of yourself.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Don't do the 180 for your wife, do it for yourself. It is a process to take back the control and respect your deserve as a mate to someone. Sounds to me like she is not through with the situation, so if you want things to resume, you are standing in a good spot.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yes. I think sad and not happy have it right. I stand corrected.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vod (Jun 23, 2011)

thanks for your replys. I need to go back to the house today as I have grab some clothes and sort a few personal things out. Im not looking forward to it. Woke up early feeling rough and upset by everything. This 180 plan seems in many ways so unatural and such the opposite of what I want to say and do.

One thing though we have had and do have huge financial problems. This certainly contributed to the immense stress that was put on our relationship especially since Janaury this year when I lost my business. 

But I do have some very limited funds which I will have to give some over to for the children - they need to eat. But should I give assistance to my wife in trying to sort through the bills ? I was always the person making the calls fighting the creditors, making the deals to keep things at least going. Should i continue do to this ? 

Half of me says no as that will just make it an easier path for her, how does this fit with the 180 plan ? Or should I just look after number 1 and go about my life as best I can and just make sure that food is in the house etc ? 

questions questions and no answers yet :scratchhead:


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## Vod (Jun 23, 2011)

just typing.

Felt / feel tired beyond belife these past days. Went to the house where my W was in a rage with me for staying out 2 days with no contact. She acused me of playing games almost of distant none present abuse. The words damned if I do damned if I dont ring true. 

I didnt respond just told her I had taken myself off for a few days and my phone was off until this morning. No money in the house so I got some sorted. She was bitter as hell. Every word and every look cutting like a knife. We have family staying over my BRO / wife and there child. They with us for another 2 weeks while they wait to move into there new house. Timing could not have been worse. 

Even worse my bro is very close to my wife they are like sister and brother. He feels the pain and has diveded loyalties. I got angry inside though when they came down and my W was all smiles and nice talk to them.

I kept calm and didnt say anything, sorted the money and exited back to my other brothers. 

Tried to sleep an hour but woke up with a horrible dream - my wife and kids were in it and all I can think was this is the saddest day of my life  I feel so sad. Today it really does hurt.


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

vod:

Just a response from yesterdays post... I think you did well by not responding to those texts. I know you must have felt a little miffed when they stopped (because she knew where you were), but just think about how things could have gone. You had control, and she wanted you to respond to regain the upper hand [No, I'm not saying its a game, but someone typically feels "ahead" in these situations]. Usually it's: from frantic calls > glimmer of hope > more fighting > going to bed feeling worse because you gave in. Remember the 180 is about you, with the pleasant side effect of many times reconnecting with your partner. Working out: She will notice, but if she's too far gone? ...then you look good for the future. Reading: Fixing this situation or being prepared for next time.

Part of the 180 is about protecting yourself. A minor word of caution, since we don't know a lot about your story. You mentioned children... if no formal paperwork has been filed, and you have been gone from the house for an extended period of time, you can be hit with abandonment come court time. This is a very serious thing you have to contemplate. The 180 is easier for you when you are fully detached, but you also have to take into consideration these other things since the "*D*" is being thrown around.


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## Vod (Jun 23, 2011)

Well I will maybe expand on this whole sorry mess at some point. At the moment it just comes out in parts. Its a complex - way too complex situation. 

Im in the home tonight - its a full house. I have remained calm, but then had a talk in private with my brother. He told me that the other night when him and his wife spoke to my W - she told them calmly that "althought she loves me she does not feel the same" 

This has hit me like a rock. I do not know if I have the strenght to follow a plan to re-activate or try re-activate and avoid the big D. But I have to do somthing to save myself. When im low and down im at my worst. I look , act , think and feel like a piece of crap. When I have the balls to stand up, take it on the chin then I feel like I can pull through. 

Tonight I have the balls to pull through but I worry about tomorrow and those horrific moments I know are going to come when I feel like I can not continue. The intense love I feel for my wife now is this only becuase its a case of "i want what I cant have ???" 

This is more than doing a 180, im starting to see that now. These are life changing events. Im at the lowest point ever in my life. Business gone, totally broke, massivly in debt. Where does one rebuild from this point ?

One day at a time but Tonight I refuse to be some Ahole jibbering wreck sat in the corner. 

No winners - just bags of sadness


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Vod: I hope things are better for you. The days are a roller coaster. One day you feel like you can deal with it all, the next you feel like you can't take another second and are dying to kiss their feet and beg them to come back.


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## Vod (Jun 23, 2011)

WomanScorned said:


> Vod: I hope things are better for you. The days are a roller coaster. One day you feel like you can deal with it all, the next you feel like you can't take another second and are dying to kiss their feet and beg them to come back.



Thanks for your message. Well I did manage to pretty much fail on every count of 180. I fell and showed my weakness. We spent almost 9 hours talking during the day. It was mostly her doing the talking telling me how just can not trust me to change. I asked her to consider MC but she explained she would only do that to keep me calm and basicially shut up. Im staying in the house, as I have no where to go - we are in financial melt down at the moment. 

She is not rushing to get the D papers and explained she just needs to know her rights. Alot was said. Today we spoke some more - Again I asked her if she felt she could trust me again and what were our chances. She would not commit to anything. Maybe she waiting to see if I do change ? Maybe its just becuase she wants peace in the house.

The past 6 months I have been an utter sHi* to live with I know this. And she made that very clear to me. My morose atttiude and bleak outlook to life since I found myself with no business. So I have learned more of what she is feeling and why she feels pushed to this point. Its kind of like a truce at the moment. We mowed the garden, I cooked some food. We ate - nothing much more has been said. At least our kids are calmer and my young D just told me she is glad there is no really bad atmoshpere in the house. I gave her a big hug - told her how sorry I am for her witnessing me and her mum arguing. Told her that I love her and no matter what her dad will always be here for her. 

It could go either way at the moment - but no matter what for myself if anything I have to make some changes.


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## Vod (Jun 23, 2011)

*What To Think ?*

Well not sure if the past 2 days have been a good thing or a bad thing. Saturday we spoke - she explained she has love for me but will never trust me again to change. As many times in the past I have made promises and never followed through on them in totality. 

Yesterday was calm we spoke some again much of the same. I pulled back and kept calm. 

Today I was busy sorting out alot of paperwork that has built up it was a busy morning. My W met me around lunchtime as she had to sign some normal papers to do with bills and such like. Routine stuff. It was not without its ackward moments as if we didnt know what to say to each other. Neither of us mentioned what had been going on the past 10 days.

We shopped for food, walked home, she started dinner. We had to post some things we had sold on eby. Our brother and wife are living with us for a few weeks until they move into there new house. (talk about bad timing) but somehow it also makes it a little easier - deflect what is going on. We had some laughs tonight and for anyone seeing us it would seem like we are / were a normal couple. 

But my worry is there is no contact - no kiss good night - even when we sat on the couch together there was a definate space between us. Then when bedtime came she said good night and skips up to our Daughters bedroom. Its been like this since it all began. I cant help feeling embarressed by this in front of my brother / family members. So im left alone to go up alone to our bedroom. 

It can mean she is not ready yet. It can mean she is just biding her time and keeping as calm as possible. I know there is a risk she can really start to see me as a good mate. I have no where else to go and no financials to leave even if I wanted to so im stuck here. I was tempted to ask if she would be sleeping in our bed tonight but know there is no point and this is not what she wants to hear. But at some point this subject has to come up ????? 

We are in no way fixed but I decided again to try impliment changes. And today she has had no cause to get stressed over me. There was no begging, no screaming in fact nothing but normal life. But zero affection. Will this ever come back ? Or is it gone forever ? 

Its somhow more confusing this way and certainly just as lonly as it has been with me in my our bed alone. I dont know what to think about this ? Any imput maybe from a womans point of view - what am I not getting here ?

Sorry for long rant / post thank you for reading


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

At least you are aware you have failed at many points while attempting the 180. You are very correct that asking those questions yesterday were a step in the wrong direction. She doesn't want to be asked "when's" and "if's" right now. If you have time to be asking those questions, then you have time to start acting on some of these "changes" she believes will never happen.

May I suggest a change exercise? A cumulative sum exercise that will not only attempt to solidify changes you feel need to be made, but can actually give you a path of sorts to follow while attempting the 180. You can do it on pen/paper, but if you have excel, open office, or any other spreadsheet program, I suggest that as things become easier to sort. Goes like this:


Write down _everything_ you can think of when it comes to your wife saying "...can't trust you to change", no matter how minor, insignificant, or easy to do. 

Next, take that list, and order it from 1-*, 1 being Most Important and higher numbers being less important. If you struggle with what is "more important", picture what your wife's reaction to this change would be, and gauge accordingly. When you are done, take your number of items listed. (IE: 1-29)

Next to this list, start ordering things in "ease of change", 1 being easiest to change, and higher numbers being hardest to change. Don't duplicate numbers: Use the same (IE: 1-29) scale as before, and decide which is easier between two tough calls. Take *everything* into account: Time, money, motivation, etc., but also frequency. IE: If "Taking out the trash" is on your list (simple example), but it would take 100x of taking out the trash for your spouse to notice, then rank it a little higher. *Don't* B.S. yourself! If _working out_ is very easy, but you simply don't have the motivation to do it, then don't mark it high on the list. If you don't have the money right now to do something, mark it higher on the list.

Finally, sum the two numbers together: Change + Ease of Change = Change Action Priority

What you end up with is a list: A list of things you can change, with a number attached to it. Items with lower numbers should be focused on ASAP, while higher numbered items should be taken care of only when there is no other "easy" changes to be made. The Catch: You can never show this list to your spouse, and you can *never* point to something on this list and look for approval / validation. If you take out the trash, you must *never* say "Honey, did you notice I took out the trash?" - These things _must_ be noticed by the spouse, otherwise your changes will be seen as temporary fixes, and that can hurt your cause.

Why this method? Most of the time someone is attempting the 180, they feel like they have a deadline... and I really get the sense of that from you. This method prioritizes changes that can be made quickly to start planting positive seeds in your spouses mind. This can sometimes be enough to make them rethink their decisions. Remember in the end however, the 180 is for YOU. You can't be worried about "if" the affection from your spouse will come back... if that is your focus, you are setting yourself up for those "giving in" and "quick fix" glimmers of hope you are inclined to cling to. If you ever feel like your are "failing" don't give up. Can't tell you how many times I've heard / read people saying "If only I had stayed the path." Instead they get a glimmer of hope, fool themselves into thinking everything is fixed, when in reality the same issues *WILL* re-raise at a later point in time.


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## Vod (Jun 23, 2011)

Thanks avenrandom for your advise and words its good to hear another persons perspective what you say is very true. It feels like a deadline. 

Things still calm but tonight I felt the verbal blunder I had made as soon as the words fell out of my mouth. We were just sat in the Garden in a rare moment of being alone with the house always so full and i made the big mistake of asking straight out when she might think about sleeping in our bed again. Kind of the worst thing I could have said but I could not help myself.

Her answer was clear that she was no where near ready and this time round she will not just roll over becuase I have made a few changes in the past few days. She told me it will take alot longer than that. I listend and didnt really comment and told her I understood. 

Then she got defensive but told me she held of today seeing the solicitor for her free half hour consultation on divorce and then said that she can not and will not ever take the risk again of being treat like I treat her these past years and also what message did it send to her children with her being treat like a doormat all these years. I did actually understand that. 

I do have my own reasons and they are 2 sides to each story. I worked like a head case the past decade to provide and I know many times I was not there and yes I have been the ultimate male pig who expected things to be done. When I write that I can see how unattractive it can be in the end 

Im going to stay the course as best I can but I have this deep fear she will see me as some kidn of friend even though she has said she wished it could work out but it will take a long time. So confusing right now. And painfull with living like this. But she did make me laugh when she said she nearly had a heart attack when she saw me washing the floor  I joked back saying did she see it as me being a slime ball and her answer surprised me. She said no the opposite - she respected it for me. 

She needs a change that will be lasting - i have no idea if it will work - but im trying to get in my head that I have to do this also for myself. Its the only way I can get strong again and rebuild my life with or without her. 

I hope with all my heart its with her


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## working on it (Sep 8, 2015)

Vod, I'm sorry to hear your going through marital probles, but the 180 Plan is rubbish and I advise you not follow it. Before I elaborate further, let me preface this by saying that I’ve been in your shoes, and I know what you are feeling. If you lose your wallet, the longer it’s gone missing, the less likely you are to find it. Losing your partner is no different. As you know, there’s no support group for you, the guy. It’s assumed that you are to blame for her unhappiness, and you probably are, so pick yourself up by your boot straps and stop feeling sorry for yourself. If there is any doubt in your mind, let me dispel it by saying YES, you are absolutely to blame for her leaving you. If you don’t believe that, STOP READING! because there’s no hope for you and your failed relationship. However, if you want her back, don’t point fingers and say it’s her fault. Swallow your foolish pride and accept that, while she may not be perfect, she’s not the one that is upset, alone, feeling like an ass and wondering how he was blindsided by this loss. Forget the 180 no contact rule. The majority of poor slobs that followed the 180 rule are still single and alone. For the short term, your significant other will likely stay with friends and family, but eventually will get a place of her own. Once she’s independent, your chances of getting her back just went from slim to none. My advice, having been there, is to attempt to make contact and let her know you want her back in your life, and that you will change your ways. It was a difficult decision she made to leave, and so she will be reluctant to come back with the possibility of seeing no change and the prospect of having to leave again. If she left the ring on the table, scoop it up and lash it to a piece of string or a necklace and put it around your neck; no not to hang yourself, but to serve as a reminder of the love you once had and lost. Next, grab a piece of paper and take a self-assessment, jotting down the problems you know you have and those you think might be at issue. Mine included being dismissive, getting overly upset over minor issues, doing too many solitary things, such as projects around the house that while they needed doing, detracted from time with my wife and kids. If you have less than a dozen things written down, you’re not trying had enough. Dig a little deeper and be honest with yourself. Once you have completed your self-assessment, turn the piece of paper over and list out the things you WILL strive to change. My list included not sweating the small stuff, being more fun and spontaneous, shutting my mouth and being a better listener, giving her the larger closet, and going to a counsel/therapist. I then texted her phone and asked if she would have dinner with me, at a restaurant I know she enjoys. I told her that I had created these lists and was excited to share them with her. She said yes, but canceled due to a migraine headache, which she does suffer from. She however did suggest we have dinner another night, which I took as a positive sign. The day arrived for our dinner date.. I was elated and spent the day planning for it. I am married to this woman for 10 years, but was nervous at the thought of seeing her and had butterflies in my stomach. I got a haircut and styled my hair differently, and got dressed up. Don’t show up looking like the bum she left. Be friendly, upbeat, optimistic and funny. If there’s a chance to crack a joke and make her smile, take it. Make her remember why she fell in love with you in the first place. Be THAT guy, not the schmuck you turned into. Okay, back to me. I made reservations and requested a quiet table in the rear of the restaurant so we could talk in private. I bought a dozen long stems and a card, into which I poured my heart out in and told her in writing what I intended to put into words later, during dinner. Another night FINALLY came. She was coming from a different direction, so we planned to meet at the restaurant. I suggested we meet in the parking lot so we could walk in together. This would also allow me to give her the roses and card without making too much of a scene. Before leaving, I checked my text messages and email to see if she again canceled, and she hadn’t. I arrived early and sat in the car until she arrived. As I approached her with flowers in hand, a huge smile came across her face and we hugged. I thanked her for accepting my invitation. We made small talk as we strolled across the parking lot. I told her that I learned a lot from cleaning the kids rooms, such as our daughter likes to read (I found hundreds of books under the bed) and our son likes to eat in his room. She laughed. We entered the restaurant and sat down. I wasn’t sure if she had an agenda prepared for our dinner conversation, which I was afraid would involve a moving van, so I wasted no time taking the lead and pulling the list from my pocket to show to her. I explained to her what it was and then proceeded to go down the list, reading each personal assessment aloud. She listened intently and nodded in agreement. I then went to the other side of the paper and read that to her. At the end of it all, I showed her the ring that was on my necklace and told her it was there to serve as a reminder. She told me she was impressed with everything I’d done, and that I seemed very committed to her and the kids. I agreed and assured her I was. I gave her the list to keep and told her to add to it, if she wanted to. She stuffed it into her purse. 2 hours later, she had finished her meal and I’d barely touched mine, but the point of my being there with her wasn’t to enjoy the salmon and bérnaise sauce. I took it to go. I needed to convey to her that 1. I wanted her and the kids back in the house, and 2. This is my step plan to make things better and to be a better person. I then suggested another date, but this time involving the kids. She thought that was a good idea. As we said our goodbye in the parking lot and kissed and hugged, I jokingly asked if she wanted to go to my place and fool around. She smiled and we each climbed into our cars and went our own way; me back to the house and her back to the friends’ house she is staying at. That was last night. I consider the date a complete success. I was not rushed and said everything I needed to say to her. When I got home, I sent a text to her phone thanking her for a lovely evening. This morning I texted her again and asked if she and the kids wanted to go play miniature golf and get an ice cream some night this week after work. She replied that she’d check with the kids and would text me back later. I’m still waiting for that text, but I’m certain it will come. This awful experience, as bad as it was, was probably necessary because without it, I doubt realization and change would have occurred. As a result, I am more appreciative of my wife and kids, and the life we have together. I will work at being a better partner and father to my kids, and will NEVER forget the painful lesson I learned this week. Even though I took care of the finances and payment of bills, credit cards, etc., and it’s unlikely she would be able to support herself and 2 kids on her income, she’s not thinking logically or rationally. A woman in her situation simply wants to escape and will go bankrupt trying to make a better life without you, if she has to, so don’t talk finances with the hopes of convincing her she needs your money because she can’t afford to be on her own. That would be a big mistake that will surely backfire on you. At this moment, my teenage son is back at the house waiting for my wife to pick him up. The fact that he is back in the house, is a good sart. I expect that it may take another week or two to gain trust from my wife and kids, but that they eventually will give up the idea of a life elsewhere and without me in it and return to the house. My advice to you, is to forget the 180 Plan, unless you enjoy being alone, and instead work at getting her back, if that’s what you want, but keep in mind that if she does come back and sees little or no change, or you resort to your old bad ways, you’ll lose her for good. Best of luck!


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

working on it said:


> Vod, I'm sorry to hear your going through marital probles


He probably isn't anymore.

Nice first post despite the wall of text and being 4 years late.

You might want to consider giving your input on some current threads where your advice and experience will do some good.

Oh, and use PARAGRAPHS


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Tl;dr; didn't do the 180 properly and it didn't work therefore it doesn't work for anyone else. 

180 is for disconnecting from the relationship and gaining the strength and self confidence to go it alone. 

The fact that becoming such a person sometimes makes you more attractive and wakes the other person up to the fact that you'd be just fine without them is a side effect, not the goal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

marduk said:


> The fact that becoming such a person sometimes makes you more attractive and wakes the other person up to the fact that you'd be just fine without them is a side effect, not the goal.


It's a _temporary_ side effect at best.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Tobin said:


> It's a _temporary_ side effect at best.


Meaning if things work out, you have to give up the 180?


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

marduk said:


> Meaning if things work out, you have to give up the 180?


Meaning that if it seems to work, reconciliation will not last since it's based on what is believed to be a true change in behavior when it's really just an act.

What typically happens when the 180 is used as a manipulative tool is that the 180er reverts back to their original behavior once they've "won back" their partner, because lets face it folks, true change takes years if ever, so the dumper quickly realizes nothing has changed and they become a repeat dumper.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Tobin said:


> Meaning that if it seems to work, reconciliation will not last since it's based on what is believed to be a true change in behavior when it's really just an act.
> 
> What typically happens when the 180 is used as a manipulative tool is that the 180er reverts back to their original behavior once they've "won back" their partner, because lets face it folks, true change takes years if ever, so the dumper quickly realizes nothing has changed and they become a repeat dumper.


Parts of the 180 need to become permanent.

Especially the mindset. 

I'll bold the ones that I think need to last until you're in the grave:

*1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.*

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

*6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.*

*7. Don’t ask for reassurances.* (at least limit them)

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

*10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.* What I mean is don't reward ****ty behaviour. Tell her you love her when she's being loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

*12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!*

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

*17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold* – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. *Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.*

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

*20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!*

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

*22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel* (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

*23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!*

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

*25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.*

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

*28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.*


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

Most of those are things people outta do in relationships regardless of whether or not there's been a breakup.

It's just good relationship behavior.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

The 180 plan is completely misunderstood and misapplied by many here. The idea is NOT to win your ex back, the idea is to focus on yourself. As Marduk mentioned - winning your ex back might be an unintended side effect. It should never be the sole purpose. Unfortunately many here advise it as a means to get your ex back. The real purpose os to take care of yourself. Because there was a reason why your ex left in the fist place - it may have been you, it may have been them. It doesn't matter either way if you focus on yourself and become a better person.


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## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

I just started going through a divorce. It has been rough. THe 180 plan works, you have to do it, for yourself. It isnt for your wife, it is for you. It will make you feel stronger and help you prepare for the harsh and bumpy road that is ahead of you. Good luck.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I hope OP is doing well...it's been a few years....I hope he is banging away with a new chick that wants to be with him and all this 180 business is far behind him.

Who knows maybe they worked it all out....

or


The wife is on her third husband by now?




Back in the day it wasn't uncommon for a thread to be 1 or 2 pages long. Now look at this site.....most thread have hundred of replies.....in fact even threads this old still get replies! LOL


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## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

Kind of my fault, I didnt look at the date lol.


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