# Emotional Affair & Divorce...So Heartbroken



## Kaetsa (Aug 3, 2015)

It has been a month since my whole world shattered when my husband asked for a divorce. Almost 2 months ago, we had plans to have a nice evening together, but he told me he had to work late & something just didn't feel right, so I drove to his office to find him & his receptionist having drinks at his office after hours. After the confrontation, he blew up at me & told me he wasn't happy & that certain things in our marriage needed to change, but promised me he hadn't cheated on me, but that had been talking to her a lot about me & our marriage. He said they texted one another & he flat out told me he deleted their texts, b/c he didn't want me seeing them. I decided to try my hardest to fix the things he felt were broken on my part & while I was devastated about this emotional affair, I thought we could work out our problems. He told me during that time when we were working things out, that he was happier than he'd ever been. 

2 weeks later, we had an arguement about his involvement with his receptionist & I told him I felt it was a form of cheating...an emotional affair. He got extremely angry with me that I called it that & left, saying he wasn't leaving me, but that he needed to take some time apart. That following Monday, he tells me he wants a divorce & that the night after he left, he met up with the OW & kissed her, but then felt bad about it. Mind you, I was at home, waiting & wondering when he would come home. He said in his mind, he was done with our marriage that night & didn't consider it cheating, even though he decided he wanted us to work things out days after he told me he wanted a divorce. I was willing to try with him, b/c I didn't want to lose him. I love him so much & would have done anything at that point to save our marriage. He strung me along for a week, telling me he loved me, he wanted me back, etc, etc. Then the following week, he became cold & aloof & now says he wants kids & doesn't think it will ever happen with me. I have an old back injury w/ a 3 level spinal fusion, but I wanted to get in enough shape for us to try. 

I'm 35 & for most of our marriage, it was practically sexless. He had low testosterone & I put up with that when so many people would have walked out. He started going on testosterone replacement therapy about a year & a half ago and now he wants to have sex all the time. And now, he decides he wants kids when we could have tried years ago. He thinks that b/c I'm 35, I have to get pregnant right now...like 35 is the biological cut-off for my fertility. I know I wasn't the perfect wife & we had a pretty bad year with outside stresses, but we were best friends & always enjoyed one another's company. He told me he didn't realize he was unhappy this year until he met his receptionist. I think they are together now & it is driving me mad. 

To top it all off, he served me with divorce papers that said he wants me out of the house in 2 months & after that, I'm on my own, save for my health insurance, which he would pay until the end of the year. He was the sole breadwinner in our marriage...I didn't work, due to my back injury & so basically feels like he's throwing me away like an old toy. He drained our joint account with his partying & then closed it, leaving me without a penny to my name for a while. Thankfully, my parents have helped me retain an attorney...no way I'm going to sign his papers. He did recently tell me he left me money & paid our bills for now at least when I told him I had copies of our bank statements of his partying. 

I just feel sad, scared, broken & alone. I keep torturing myself with all my regrets...things I maybe could have done to prevent him from involving himself with another woman. I miss him so much & can't stop thinking about "what might have been." I feel like this testosterone replacement therapy has turned him into a person I don't recognize anymore. Someone completely devoid of empathy. I feel so lost & don't even know where to start at rebuilding a new life without him in it. I keep grieving over the man he once was. Anyhoo, thank you for letting me vent on here.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Another familiar. Welcome and I sorry you are here for this reason.
I know what you are going through. It is good you don't have kids to involve in this. It is also smart of you to have your own lawyer and a blessing your family is helping support you. 
You will get some awesome advice and encouragements here. Do everything you need to to protect yourself and remember to breath.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Kaetsa, Honeysuckle is right, protect yourself and breathe, this place is a really good support network. Sorry you are here, but you Re amongst friends.

It is hard we all know it, otherwise we wouldn't be here, you are at an early stage and this is raw right now, that I do understand, you clearly love this man and like you say would do anything to save the marriage. I'm afraid it sounds like it is beyond saving in truth, sounds painful doesn't it but this is reality. 

I don't think it has done you at all good the trying to make it work, his short lived reconciliation after being found out, yes I would say it was and EA you were right to say that, and he didn't see, to take it well, even to the point of being slightly controlling, but was most likely out of guilt, he also knowing there was more to come with the partying and all that.

Don't be hard on yourself, medical issues aside you say it was a virtually sexless marriage, did you really want that, no you didn't, like you say most would have walked away, I understand you hanging in there, I have been there myself, hanging in there over what ever the issue, but you need to consider this as part of the bigger picture, it gives perspective in time.

Do not be hard on yourself, do not put all this what if, if only I/ we did this, as that is only going to get you spinning out of control, you can't live on what ifs, what is done is done and the past can not be changed no matter how much we wish for, and do not blame yourself.

If you can, concentrate on you a little, continue to get in better shape physically, use you family for support and make plans for you, not for you and him, just you, put aside those thought iof the OW, not easy I know that for sure as that is what plagues my mind and it's gut wrenching.

You say you were not the perfect wife, but no one is perfect, and bear in mind that you stuck in there no matter, and it was he straying from the marriage.

I and we here know exactly what you are feeling and going through and will do as much as possible, so please fire away any time any reason and take care.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

When men decide to leave a marriage, it is almost always for another relationship, no matter what they may say, and there is nothing you can do to bring them back, unless it does not work out in their new situation. And even then, you have become second choice. Rarely, a man (or woman) might return when they find out that all relationships are hard work and that they had it better before, but it is not something you can count on. And it is never a good idea to sit around hoping for that to happen, when it might never happen.

All you can do, really, is find your inner strength and carry on. Get a lawyer right away, if you do not already have one. Find out if he can indeed make you leave your home. If you care for the children as primary caretaker, that would be very unusual. Also maybe it will help you if you seek out groups in your area for those in your situation. Most cities and towns have support groups for those going through divorce, dealing with adultery, etc...

You are still in the "shock" stage but you need to get moving.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> When men decide to leave a marriage, it is almost always for another relationship, no matter what they may say


I call bullish!t.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Keatsa, my BIL took my SIL three weeks ago to Applebees ordered lunch and while waiting, told her he wants a divorce because he is not happy.
He has been having an affair with a family friend for months. He is happier with her.

My advice is to be strong. You can cry later. Call your lawyer and see if your H can demand you leave the home. Get all the financial papers together. He might have to put the money back. It does not matter if he alone earned the money. 

Get you strength and support system around you. Don't spend too much time hoping that he will see the light and come running back. Because you living in limbo is going to hurt and destroy you. My SIL is now a nervous wreak, hands shaking and loosing weight like crazy. She is going to wait him out. Not something I will ever do. I am no man's second choice. He choices me first, above all. Or he can walk the hell out of my house.

Take care of yourself. Eat, sleep and do things to entertain yourself.

Stay strong sister.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Keatsa, sorry you are in this place right now, this is not your fault, your husband made the choice to betray you and your marriage.
You need to assume he is not coming back and do everything in your power to move ahead. 
Get yourself some IC
do the 180 to detach from him emotionally and begin to heal
Get things sorted with your lawyer. I don't know where you live but am sure he cannot leave you penniless
Ensure you keep your health good, eat and rest properly
Surround yourself with supportive family and friends
Tell everyone friends, family, his family what is happening, not for revenge but to ensure he does not rewrite history


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## Kaetsa (Aug 3, 2015)

Thank you all so much for your kind words of encouragement. It really means a lot. I know that we are past the point of no return. Even if he wanted to work things out at this point, I know that I would just be prolonging the inevitable, b/c I would never trust him again. He has already proven to be a habitual liar. He confessed to a MASSIVE lie about 6 months ago...an elaborate lie that he pulled on me, his dad & all our family for almost 5 years. It was then that I stopped fully trusting him, b/c if he was capable of lying so easily to me & all his family, then he was lying about his receptionist as well. I think he cheated on me with her before I found out about his emotional affair. I went to my doctor to get an STD test & I'm currently waiting for the results.

I just wish I didn't still love him & miss him, but I know that ship has sailed. He wanted me to sign his ridiculous divorce settlement papers, but thankfully, I have attorney that isn't going to make this divorce as easy as my STBX thinks. If I didn't have my help from my parents financially, I know I would be in one big mess. I'm grateful to still have my figure at least, though I have lost 16 pounds that I already didn't need to lose. Haven't been able to eat or sleep, but I'm trying to put a little more weight on by forcing myself to drink protein shakes at least. I know I look like hell right now....I feel like this whole situation has aged me 5 years. Hoping I can get out of this hole I'm in...I haven't had any desire to see anyone right now other than my family, so I'm just trying to take one day at a time while I begin to heal. 

What angers me so much is how many years I threw away with him. Like I squandered my youth with him...we were married 5 years, but we're together for a total of 13 years. He never wanted kids at the time...always wanted to wait a little longer & now that he's finally able to have sex again, he decides he wants to start a family right away & thinks my biological clock is already up at age 35. I honestly wish I never met him. Hindsight is, after all, 20/20. *sigh*

Thank you all again for letting me vent & for all your kind words. It really means so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Kaetsa, hang in there. take an hour at a time. Day by day, you will get thru this. I am glad you are finding your footing and the lawyer is fighting. Don't let him bully you.

Stay close to family and let them help you. If only we all had a magic mirror to see into the future. This is life, the good, the bad and the ugly.
You will survive and one day soon you will be victorious.


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