# My husband said he wants a divorce



## phillie22 (Mar 19, 2016)

Hello. I am here for your honest opinions. Hopefully they are nice. My husband and I have been together almost 9 years. Will be married 4 this year. We have two children together and he has two from a previous marriage. 

We have been going thru a nasty custody battle with his ex for just shy of a year now. Adding that because it adds to the stress, obviously. 

For our entire relationship any chore around the house is completed by me. All laundry (washing, folding and putting away), dishes, cleaning, yard work, grocery shopping, cleaning the cars both his and mine, cleaning our bedroom and the kids bedrooms, taking care of the pets and cleaning up after them, paying bills(which includes robbing Peter to pay Paul because of our current financial situation) signing the kids up for school and sports. Oil changes and any maintenance or repairs on the vehicles all done by me. I'm sure there is more but you get the point. I usually don't say anything because he gets mad and has a reason why he doesn't help. 

So fast forward to present time. I achieve a major accomplishment personally and professionaly and he texts me "yay! good job... " I'm thankful for that don't get me wrong. That was pretty much the end of it. He comes home and never mentions it or celebrates. He is not the biggest romantic and I've come to terms with that. No biggie normally, but this was huge for me. I nicely mentioned I would have loved if he would have said congrats in person or made a point to make me feel special. He understood and brought me roses to my pinning. How nice! He joked bc he brought them and I mentioned the previous conversation I had with him was the reason why. I realize that wasn't the nicest thing to say and apologized. 

Last example, we have this TV stand sitting in our living room since November. I wanted to take it to his elderly mom. I needed help bc it was to big to load myself. Well it sat and sat and of course I mentioned it here and there but never wanted to have the argument so I let it go. A couple weeks ago I got sick of looking at it and pushed it out on our front porch. It got ruined do to the weather and got walked past two or more times a day for about 3 weeks. Yesterday my parents are coming and I mentioned I was going to be embarrassed it was STILL on our porch after being in the living room for MONTHS. So he pushed it to the garage without being asked. Then he asked if I was impressed he did that when he got home. I was honest and said you probably wouldn't have had I not mentioned it. He pushed it into our packed garage where there was one open space, the space where our trash cans go. They were out for trash pick up. He got mad I critiqued his way of doing it. 

What I am trying to explain to him is that I do 99% of the house work and don't say to much about it. Most wives would be way more angry than me. I go to school full time, work 2 days a week (I worked 3 until November) I know that is not much but that was the agreement for me to be able to go back to school full time. I get a little bitter at times because I do everything. He complains when I study so I rarely do and somehow managed to get by. 

Today he told me he wanted a divorce in a fit of rage in front of our 7 year old. He told me I'm ungrateful and lazy. I just don't know what to do. I'm not ungrateful. That I something that was instilled in me growing up. I'm against it. 

So guess what I'm asking is am I? Thanks!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're asking if you're lazy and ungrateful? Lazy? Not in my book. Ungateful? Only you can answer that. Give him the divorce. He'll find out that life doesn't exist just from 9-5. There are always chores to be done. The grass is always growing and needs to be cared for. An able bodied man who makes his wife do the yardwork isn't much of a man. Unless, he's doing all the cooking or ironing or such.

Just what are some of his excuses as to why he can only go to work and not lift a finger around the house? I need a good laugh.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I've read many posts similar to yours on TAM. It seems to be a fairly common situation in which one spouse is doing all the physical work while another does squat.

The thing is, you have to do it or it doesn't get done. So your husband is one of those passive-aggressive types when it comes to getting things done around the house. Perfect example: letting the TV stand rot outside before moving it.

However, from what you are saying, it sounds like he has one nasty a$$ temper if you request he pull his weight with household chores.

In fact, it sounds like he pretty much controls what you can and cannot do. You fix/clean/cook or it doesn't get done. You attempt to tell him and he gets p!ssed off.

But underneath it all, you are afraid of him. Why? Because he's a nasty piece of work.

So why stay with someone you cannot confront? Has he ever gotten physical? Has he threatened you with physical harm?

He wants a divorce. Why not give him one? In fact, why are you staying with this horse's a$$ anyway? Don't you think you could do better, even if it meant living alone?


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

Are you for real??? Lazy and ungrateful? On what grounds? You do EVERYTHING short of sucking his d1ck. A real piece of work your husband is. Like a previous poster said, give the @sshole his divorce and we will see how he fairs without you.


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## phillie22 (Mar 19, 2016)

I complain he doesn't do it right. I'm critical I'll admit that, but I don't stand over him and say you aren't doing that right! He says i'm *****y. I try to explain it's bc I keep everything bottled because I don't want to have this fight. Another, he takes care of the kids. I do too... 

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Give him what he wants.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I happen to think that people don't divorce for these reasons. These are just symptoms of something larger, from those I've known who have gone through divorces. That said, he sounds like he is using it to threaten you, and get you to succumb to him. So, say 'sure, let's get a divorce.' I can almost guarantee...he will be like, what? Oh, I didn't mean it... 

I would not want to live like this. Hope things get better for you, one way or the other.


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> I've read many posts similar to yours on TAM. It seems to be a fairly common situation in which one spouse is doing all the physical work while another does squat.
> 
> The thing is, you have to do it or it doesn't get done. So your husband is one of those passive-aggressive types when it comes to getting things done around the house. Perfect example: letting the TV stand rot outside before moving it.
> 
> ...


Couldn't have worded it better myself. If he wants a divorce then begin the precedings and take his ungrateful @ss to the cleaners. If this won't be the eye opener that he needs then I don't know what is.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You have no marriage. Confirm that reality by divorcing him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

And why do you think he is an EX? 

His first wife likely had it up to the gills with this guy. He sounds like a user and is so fixed in his ways that no amount of prodding can bump him off-center. 

You have been patient enough, long enough. 

End this charade of a marriage now while you still have any sanity. You will not be missing much when he is in the rear-view mirror.

Sorry


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Are you lazy? No... Probably exhausted from doing everything but not lazy.
He sounds like he needs a wake up call.
Stop doing everything.
When things magically get done people tend to forget that there is someone behind the task actually doing it.
Say yes to a divorce and see what he says. Sounds like he needs a jolt...so call him on it.
I tend to take a lot of the load around the house too...so I get where you are coming from there.


Sent from my iPhone


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

What do YOU want Phillie? Do you want a divorce?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Good. Divorce him. Then he will have to clean up after his own self...or live in filth, whatever. It won't be your problem anymore.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

What are his reasons for not doing anything around the house? Can you sit down with him and divide the chores up between the two of you? How old are the kids? If they're walking they're old enough to start to learn to put toys away and put their clothes in the hamper. 

You have to try to be less critical though - you may have a case of your husband not doing things to your standard, so he's stopped doing things at all. I would too if someone complained every time that I'd done it the wrong way.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Maybe she will be the one taken to the cleaners. Why should a divorce entitle the OP to put the H in bad situation and likely create a rift with the kids.

Using divorce to be spiteful? That can backfire.....



SoulCrushed16 said:


> Prodigal said:
> 
> 
> > I've read many posts similar to yours on TAM. It seems to be a fairly common situation in which one spouse is doing all the physical work while another does squat.
> ...


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

jdawg2015 said:


> Maybe she will be the one taken to the cleaners. Why should a divorce entitle the OP to put the H in bad situation and likely create a rift with the kids.
> 
> Using divorce to be spiteful? That can backfire.....
> 
> ...


Read her post again. Her husband is the one that wants to get divorced. We merely suggested OP give him what he wants.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I don't think you are lazy. He probably doesn't either. As to the ungrateful part it would be helpful to hear his side. But what's the point if he wants a divorce ? Do you want to work on the marriage? I would never say don't try unless there is physical abuse. But it takes 2 to work on things.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

You say you are critical... how critical are you?

Would he feel relieved to be able to do things without criticism, or bummed that he doesn't have someone to do it for him?

If you think he would feel bummed, then give him the divorce. If you think he would feel relieved, then change your ways or give him the divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

thefam said:


> I don't think you are lazy. He probably doesn't either. As to the ungrateful part it would be helpful to hear his side. But what's the point if he wants a divorce ? Do you want to work on the marriage? I would never say don't try unless there is physical abuse. But it takes 2 to work on things.


I agree. I gather that she works also. That just adds to it.

I think that you should reach a decision soon. The lawsuit to gain custody of his kids from their mother might be successful. If so it will just add to your duties and these aren't even your kids.

I'd follow the advice given here but with one change. File for divorce first. It will take time, probably months---plenty of time for him to grasp what is going to happen to him.


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