# Don't know if I'm coming or going...



## McGraw (Mar 2, 2009)

I feel as though maybe I 'jumped the gun' on a HUGE decision I just made. As most of you know from my previous posts, my husband left me Feb. 20th after 13 yrs. of marriage after I caught him having an EA with a woman he works with. He decided after being gone almost a month that he was going to move back home. he said if I didn't like it, I'd have to move out. He gave me NO indication that this was to save our marriage, just that he was in control and coming back to 'his' home. The entire time he was gone, he had no regard for me or my feelings. I had a breakdown..(that makes at least 3 now since we got together). I laid around, barely able to function. I never knew I had so many tears to cry. I thought I was going to die. He didn't care, and came by every day to see our daughters, and gave me some money every ohter week(I currently don't work). The day he moved back in, I had an appt. with a lawyer that evening. I ended up filing for a divorce, and prior to this, I filed for child/spousal support. I came home to find him locked in our bedroom (our girls were downstairs) talking to his EA in my bed...AND talking about ME. I listened for a few minutes, and it was all about me, all bad. How could you forgive someone for that?? Anyway, I told him I needed to get into my bedroom, which I really did. He quickly hung up the phone, and I went in and questioned him about his actions. I asked him 'you think you are just going to move back in this home and lock yourself in MY bedroom and talk to HER in MY bed about ME??!' He said, 'what are YOU going to do about it?' we argued for a little and I felt I had no other choice than to get out the next night when he went to work. I called my best friend, who I have known and leaned on for years, and he said he would help me and my girls get out..that we could stay with him. My husband doesn't like this man, as we were all once friends, and he helped me try to leave my husaband years ago,(but it failed).
So here I am, with my friend, and now LOW AND BEHOLD, MY HUSBAND WANTS ME BACK!!! We have cried together,been a bit intimate,talked about how we wronged each other, and I've been an a** to tell my husband that my friend is pretty bossy in some ways..but I knew that going into it, and I think he just doesn't want me to make the same mistakes I made before by buying into my husbands lies and deceit. So he makes strong suggestions about setting up boundaries with my husband. I think I just wasn't ready to do that, to let go. I'm having trouble detaching from him, as I became so dependant on him after all those years of abuse. Now when we've talked, he tells me he's having a hard time letting go of the EA..but he's 'working on it'. Either he can or he can't, he will or he won't. I'm so tired of hurting, and yet I love him so very much, despite everything. This is a whole new way of life for me here at my friends, as we had a farm and a lot of responsibilities. My friend is different from my husband, and it's so hard to get used to someone who actually wants whats best for me. I almost feel like I don't deserve it. I know I should probably get some counseling, and I'm so scared of my husband and I never being together again. Any advice would be great, and thanks for letting me vent...this site is so great.


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## Ready To Give Up (Feb 7, 2009)

I have been in several abusive relationships and it is very hard at first to think of life outside of the drama but lemme tell you, once you break yourself free from it the sky is the limit and things start looking clear again. There is no right or wrong way on how to deal with the mess, just take it one day at a time. You WILL get throgh this! 

I used prayer, talking to my mom about things, meditation, optimisim, and tremendous love for my children to pull myself out of that frame of mind.

It took 13yrs of you allowiong him to walk all over you so it's going to take a looong while for him to learn how to treat you differently so don't fall into his sweet nothings. Be strong! Start your counseling and focus on how you want your life to look in the future. Try hard to not think about what your H is doing and focus all of your attention on yourself and getting yourself better. Keep an eye out for self-help seminars/books/CD's, sometimes all it takes is another person's perspective to really clue you into what YOU are doing to contribute to the drama. Being in abusive relationships is like an addiction, going cold turkey is the only way to stop. The key is wanting so badly to have a better life for yourself and your children

I wish you well!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

he doesnt really want you back. its just cooshy at home, home comforts . he wont give her up.
she stil doesnt provide him with everything, thats why he came back.
ok he wont move out and u have the children.
my suggestion. go out and get a fella yourself.
straighten yourself up and have a bit of backbone.
your H loves it, that you cry over him, that you stil want him.
tell him to get stuffed. take away his escape route.
your his escape - take it away.
dont give him tears, dont give him n e thing.

he doesnt deserve you and u know there is a bloke out there that really will cater to your needs.


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