# Need advice please read



## longroad22 (May 18, 2010)

This is my first post I just found this site tonight. Please any advice would be great. I know its long and im sry. just need help.
My husband and I have been together for 4 years and married for 2. We have a 2 yr old daughter as well. When he and I first met it really was love at first sight, Things seemed perfect. I told him every detail of my past, to leave nothing for a surprise later on. He and I were both very affectionate and things seemed grand. Not long after we married I became pregnant and it would seem right around that time he started bringing up issues he had with me about things I did before I even met him. ( I had slept with a friend in college) He knew of this from the beginning of our relationship, but now all of a sudden he had a problem with it because i slept with someone outside of a relationship. He started calling me names all the time and telling me how I am a W*ore. He just kept telling me its something he cant get over, no matter how hard he tried. He cut off any affection toward me, it was as if emotionally he was no longer there for me.
Fast forward a bit, we were long distance during the last 4 months of my pregnancy. He accepted a new job out of state, so we figured he would go ahead and get things settled, then a couple of weeks before the baby was due I ended up moving in with him. After i had the baby we married, and he ended up signing on active duty army. 
A few months after I had the baby I fell in to a deep depression and suffered from major anxiety. I didnt even want to leave the house. But there I was picking up again to move to yet another state. Things only got worse from there, He would constantly pick on me about my depression and say there’s no such thing and that i was using that as an excuse to be lazy etc. You see before we moved I was one class away from getting my BA degree and I had all these plans for a career and a great future. But I had no idea the type of "Black hole" I would find myself in only months later. I was on anti depressants and they didnt help much. 
He deployed 5 months after our move, We argued up until the day he left, over little things. It was as if every move I made was wrong. In his words I was not progressing fast enough. So while i was left in a new place with no friends, family or anything. I realized I had to get myself together since i was going to be the only one raising our daughter for the time being. While he was deployed things seemed to almost get better with us. We communicated about our feelings much more, the times we did talk it was as if we were back to the beginning of our relationship. I managed to finish school and get my BA degree and I was going to counseling every week. I hadnt mentioned I gained a good amount of weight after the baby and for once I had the motivation and lost a lot of the weight.
So he comes back a year later and things seemed fine but for only a week! then he started talking down to me again. telling me I should have got a job while he was away. Pretty much saying how I wasted a year. Calling me a loser, lazy, he constantly talks about my family (because he knows that we have a close relationship) He brings up the fact that my younger sister was molested by a family member and says how it was my fault, and that i let it happen to her. (meanwhile when this happened I was away at college) I hate to admit it but i let him over time bring me back down to that pit. And ive since gained all the weight back. Now he trys to motivate me to lose weight by saying im fat and what not.
So here I am 2 years in to marriage and he says he wants out. He says I abandoned him, and how im not the same person anymore. How I had dreams when i first met him and how i haven’t done a thing with my life. He completely cut me off emotionally. He wont even let me hug him! If i try to hug or kiss him he tells me to stop bothering him. We tried marriage counseling and after 4 sessions we were told to start preparing for a divorce. We hadnt gone back since. I really want to make it work with him, I do love him even though he thinks I dont. He just doesnt understand all I have gone through. And says he doesnt want to because he is not going to learn to live with someone with depression and anxiety. He wants me to just get over it and it is not that easy. I am still on meds, he gets so bothered if I ask him to come to the store with me. I barely leave the house unless he is with me. My anxiety is bad, and since he always says no unless we really need groceries, Im always in the house. 
He told me a few weeks ago that he is giving me until november, his contract will be up and he wants to pursue college. He says he can not do college with me around and so he needs me to get a job and such. Which I am actively seeking work. So now he constantly tells me how he wants out and I ruined his life because i sold him a pipe dream. And how I chose to let the depression get the best of me, it was my choice. 
I guess my question is, Should I ask him to try one last shot at counseling with a new counselor. Or should I just let it be? I really want to make things work, I know he is a good guy inside, he just has tons of resentment towards me for having to take the leadership role in our family. He never expected to be pulling in 100% of the income and i guess he never expected me to become so needing of him. I know I have changed and im not the go getter he once knew but I am trying. He changed as well, He says I abandoned him but i feel he abandoned me when I needed him the most, Im so confused.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

lonroad22
i am sorry you had to go through all this hard situation
please stop beating yourself
it is not your fault
nothing would allow him to disrespect you or mistreat you
All the symptom of abuse are there he is blaming you for everything criticizing you constantly
and running from all responsibilities calling you names and putting you down......
This relationship is harming you 
you deserve better than that.
please take care of yourself and be strong 

Know people are here for you
Hope you will feel better


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## longroad22 (May 18, 2010)

Le vieux sage 
Thanks for the reply. Your right, I know I deserve better. Its strange because I had better, He used to be great. I guess im just having a hard time accepting things the way they are. I look at all the positive things I was able to acomplish while he was away and I can see that he is bringing me down. He says it himself, that i would do better without him and we should just go our seperate ways but i dont understand why i am having such a hard time with it. I keep looking at myself and all the things I could have done differently but at the same time, I know i only feel this way because thats all I have been hearing for the last 3 years, is how wrong i am and how perfect he is. I guess I should forget about another go around with marriage counseling and get help for myself again, since i had stopped going to individual counseling.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

What you are living is 
KILLING YOUR SOUL
DESTROYING YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE AND YOUR SELF ESTEEM

You need to seek help before it's too late
You already have problems with stress anxiety depression
you need to see therapist to be able to take care of yourself
You should not stop going

Read this book WHY DOES HE DO THAT inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men
it will highlight your life and show you what kind of man you are living with

*KNOW THAT ABUSE IS NOT YOUR FAULT IT'S HIS*

DON'T WAIT UNTIL NOVEMBER
GET OUT OF THIS UNHEALTHY MARRIAGE ASAP


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You may love him, but love isn't always enough. If you feel this bad after only four years, imagine how bad you'll feel in 10 or 20 years. If you survive that long. 

Separate. If he wants to be in your life, he can do so from a distance and while attending therapy on his own. The issues are with him, not you. You're not perfect, of course, but I can't imagine any way you brought such abuse on your own head. He needs to deal with his own demons.


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