# 25 years of marriage is over....



## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

Hi everyone,
I never thought I'd be on such forum and just feel betrayed, hurt and loss for words. I devoted my life to my husband (married at 21) This marriage hasn't been good for me but I didn't know any better. He was my love and he treated me nice when we first met and got married. Fast forward some years into marriage, I experienced financial and emotional abuse from him but not infidelity (so I thought). I was too stupid and naive. 

It all "began" during the COVID19 when I had asked my hubby to work from home. Since I have suppressed immune system. He's in IT industry so it was ok. As he began working from home, I noticed his phone would start going off with text messages (that never happened when he's at home). So I'd take our dog on walk for an hour. I'd return home with dog, and my hubby would tell me : "something broke at work, it's not working, I need to go stop by work to fix it". I was like "ok. Well you do what you have to do" trusted him 100%. Here's where the suspicion started growing on me...
He'd go to work not at that time when he'd tell me "something is broken"! He'd go to work for 6:00 p.m. when everyone had left work!!!
Before going for 6 p.m. he'd jump into shower and put on fresh shirt and pants. I'd asked him "if you are going to fix a computer at work, why do you take shower for 6:00 p.m. when nobody is at the office"? (he'd already taken shower in the morning so he'd have another shower same day). He told me "because my co-workers might be at work and I don't want to smell bad.... (ok I am ll for hygiene) . But... he'd take those showers EVERY time he'd go to work for 6:00 p.m.!
When I'd ask him "why you don't go for 2:00 p.m., why not 3:00 p.m." his reply was "I am waiting for people to leave so I don't catch COVID".... which didn't make any sense...

So fast forward, EVERY OTHER DAY my husband would tell me that "something broke at the office"EVERY TIME after I'd return with dog from walk and he'd get very excited and his mood was changing for the better! He'd go to work and he'd spend there 3-4 hours at the time! He'd tell me "he's fixing stuff"
He returned home twice at 9:30 p.m. with his underwear pulled up to his upper back and his polo shirt was tucked into his underwear!!! It was on his back and he didn't see it!
His co-worker was texting him too and he'd walk with his phone as if he was waiting for someone else's texts....

I had a talk with my husband and I was emotional (crying) but not yelling nor screaming. My husband was empathetic and told me "honey! I'd never hurt you like that! I never cheated on you and never will!" - I wanted to believe him so bad! So i did! But his behavior was screaming infidelity!
Constant late meetings at work! Every time it's about the 6:00 p.m.! At 6:00 he'd call me and tell me "we have a meeting and I don't know how long it will take..." thus by telling me "how long it will take" he was "buying" himself time to come home whenever....

One time I called him at work. He was very happy laughing on the phone. I asked him to turn on video call.He did. I heard women's giggling and laughter but didn't see other women in his office. I just heard them. My husband's upper lip began twitch uncontrollably!! I had asked him "what was wrong with his lip?" He didn't notice anything.. he moved to another closed room where servers (computers) are and closed door to talk to him. I'd asked him why he went to talk to me into another room? His reply was "so others would not hear us"...but I wasn't asking much. I just wanted to see what was going on. There was no meeting.... just random office women giggling with my husband.

To fast forward....with all this crap that's been going on and my gut feeling told me that my husband had been lying to me for some time, I went ahead and bought a blue/black light. The light allows you to see semen/body fluids under special light! 

I inspected my husband's work pants for stains/body fluids a month ago and it was clean. Now a month later (yesterday) I inspected his work pants again and found two huge near growing area stains that look to me like sperm! I will test it for semen fluid because my husband is DENYING ever cheating on me and all I want is closure and to move on if indeed he's cheating on me! I can't force myself to live with lying, cheating spouse (I am not even talking years of emotional/financial abuse I endured from him)!.

Thank you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry you are here @anna2020. There is no reason to call yourself stupid, the problem is not you, it is your husband and his character. We are supposed to have trust in the ones we love. unfortunately, not all of them should be loved by us.
It appears he is up to no good. His trembling lip indicates guilt or nervousness. You need to go into stealth mode. Perhaps you could surprise visit him in the office or insist on going to, when he least expects it. No more discussing but try to dig up more evidence. Even consider getting a PI to follow him. If he is in IT maintenance do they work odd hours at all? Are you working, do you have kids?
1. go see a lawyer to see what your rights are
2. Do the 180 on him, no discussion, no nothing
3. Confide in a close friend or relative until you have actual evidence, then tell everyone, both families, kids, etc
4. Go and get STD tested, if he has been sleeping with others you need to ensure he hasn't passed something to you.

Once he is busted you can ask for a timeline, no contact, etc. but if you want to go ahead and divorce him, then do. I think if he is this sneaky then better to kick him to the curb. You say you endured years of emotional and financial abuse, so it might be better to go now. There is really no point in wasting your life on a loser that you have to constantly monitor to see if he is faithful. Men who are emotionally and financially abusive are also more likely to cheat. There are plenty of decent men out there who would be glad to have a faithful woman who they can depend on and trust.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He says he goes in when there will be no one else there so he doesnt catch covid, and then you find that there are other women there who he didnt want you to see. It all sounds very suspicious. He is clearly lying and hiding a lot.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@anna2020 Keep your ammunition dry. Don't tell him anything else. See a lawyer.

Do you have children?


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Two things, you requested your H to work from home do to COVID and your health concern. Your H goes to the office anyway which basically equates to your H not caring about your health. Second, the shower and getting cleaned up to fix something is a host of red flags. Your H is cheating. 

Now, attempt to put it on the back burner and quiet. Your H will start deleting and scrubbing any evidence. Attempt to access his phone to look for conversations. Second, consult a lawyer. Protect yourself and financial future. Your H is about to find out how much this cheating is going to cost him. Go for broke. 

I'm truly sorry this has happened to your marriage. Keep us posted. We are here to help where we can.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I'm going to second nailhead's response.

If you think you have enough information to divorce, that is probably the obvious choice forward, as his behavior is only explanable by infidelity.

If you feel you need more evidence of his cheating, then stay quiet about it, even say you're sorry you didn't trust him, then go into james bond mode and bust him. If he has suspicions that you are close on his trail, he will take extra steps to hide it. Have you gotten into his phone to see the texts? Checked the phone bill? Looked at deleted pictures etc....?

In either of the above scenarios, divorce is the outcome, so might be easier to just go that route....


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

You've given us some clues, but the clues are not actually rock solid.

You're immuno-suppressed. He only goes to the office when most people have left for the day. That's sensible. What though of the female voices in the background. Could be he is there to enjoy their company, could be coincidence. Find out! Either follow him yourself and note which cars are in the parking lot or hire a PI. Do this a number of times. If the cars in the lot are always the same people, then that strongly supports the view that he's going to socialize with these people. If the cars are always different, then coincidence. If there is only one car that is constant in the mix of cars over many nights, then you may have a clue to a suspected OW.

You need more info.


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