# hi new here and have a ?



## hurting_in_fla (May 19, 2013)

my wife and I have been married for about three years. I am madly in love with her. about a week ago we were at home and got very drunk. we started arguing and it turned into a pushing, wrestling match(no hitting). she called the police and of course I was arrested for domestic battery. I am living at home and she is staying with friends. we started counseling and she stated that she wanted to work things out. But, to her friends she says something totally different. I am at a loss as what to do. Do I cut my losses and move on? I love her very much and it hurts to not even have her here. We have never been violent in the past at all. I do believe she has a drinking problem as she gets buzzed or drunk almost every day. I can only meet her half way, she needs to either meet me the rest or?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sorry you're hurting. You are going to find help here but some of it might seem a bit blunt. First order or business is you assaulted your wife. "Pushing" and "wrestling" during an argument with your wife is domestic assault in all 50 states. The law doesn't much care whether you punched her in the nose or shoved her. Your post indicated you both were drunk so maybe she isn't the only one who has a drinking problem. Shrinks have their own criteria for determining when someone has a drinking problem, but I figure if someone is drunk and wearing handcuffs, it's a problem. 
Your wife may or may not be a complete drunken mess. She may or may not be committed to working on her marriage. You have no control over any of that. You only have control over you. As far as your confusion over the differences between what she says to you and what she tells her friends, believe none of it. Believe her actions. Words are just noise. Actions are usually true. Whenever words don't agree with actions, the truth is always in the actions. You are 100% accountable for you. Your wife can't make you shove her.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

You love her very much but how do you show it to her? Does she feel it? Actions not words.

And how could you even imagine pushing your wife? If you have that in you, then you have issues. If she pushed you first, you don't retaliate. Do you blame her for calling the police? You got what you deserved.


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## hurting_in_fla (May 19, 2013)

I should have been more clear. we were both shoving each other. doesn't make it right..i know.


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## hurting_in_fla (May 19, 2013)

alpha, you are saying its ok for a wife to attack her husband but its not ok for him to push her away from him?


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## hurting_in_fla (May 19, 2013)

I show my wife love every single day, both in words and actions. usually by the time I get home she has almost finished a bottle of wine. I don't normally drink. im not trying to put blame or insist shes an alchoholic. im just looking for advise on what I should do. I really do love her a lot but im getting the feeling that its one way.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Hurting, it's not really a question of what's ok. It's a question of what keeps you out of jail. It's not ok that your wife gets buzzed almost every night, either. I'm taking a wild guess that you're relatively young. If so, there may two or three wives in your future. You will get only one criminal record and it will be whatever you make it. 20 years from now, you will be dealing with it every time you seek employment. A domestic violence conviction effectively strips your 2nd Amendment rights forever and bars you from ever serving in the Armed Forces. These laws get tougher every year. "Fair" is a place you visit to eat cotton candy and ride the rides. You live in reality and reality holds that if you get into a physical altercation with your wife, bad things are going to happen to you. The police don't arrest women for being difficult or mouthy or for having alcohol problems. They do arrest people for assault. The truth is, statistically, more women than men initiate domestic assaults but more men actually go to jail. We tend to be larger and stronger, so if the cop sees someone with a visible wound, it's usually the woman. Cops don't get issued crystal balls or time machines. They listen to two stories, look for wounds, and make a decision. Maybe the cops get it wrong. You can wait around for life to suddenly become fair and complain that you've been persecuted or you can take charge and make a plan to keep yourself out of jail the next time. If you live with a woman who drinks too much there will be lots of potential next times. Before anything gets physical, there are clues that things are heading that way. Take a walk. Call a friend to come get you. Avoid the problem before things get out of hand. If your old lady comes on this forum, I'll give her recommendations on what she can do to fix herself. Doesn't do you any good for me to tell you what's wrong with your old lady. You have no control over her. If you want sympathy, it's in the dictionary, somewhere between Stop and Syphilis, but it won't make your situation any better or prevent the next crisis.


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