# Separated for 2 months



## Letshopeforthebest (1 mo ago)

My husband and i have been my for 15 years and three kids. Been together like 23 years altogether. We have our issues and had infidelity on his part through our marriage. So over the years i might not have been as nice but when i was needed i was there. Our relationship is was great except for some issues. So he recently decide to separate. He has his days were he tells me he loves me. We talk on the phone throughout the day. Then he is distant, make comments like i just want to make sure you are good. We don’t live in the same house. He left but didn’t take everything with him but he took most of everything that he had. He works a lot of hours because of the job. He comes home in the morning to drop the kids off and sleeps for an hour. He comes to get in the bed and holds me. He calls to take us out but not a one on one date. Im not sure how to take this separation because we don’t really talk about it. He doesn’t want to talk about it. Should i just give it time or start the process for a divorce? I want my marriage but i can’t be the only trying.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Welcome to TAM and sorry you're going through all of this. 

What steps has your husband taken since cheating on you ''through the marriage,'' to ensure that he is a good partner to stay with? 

My immediate hunch is that he has someone else, and yet he still wants you at home taking care of everything else. He doesn't want a divorce but doesn't want to be married. Your relationship couldn't have been ''great'' if he moved out. I'm just trying to get you to see that things haven't been what you may have thought they were. 

I would seek an attorney's advice, so you're prepared.


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## Letshopeforthebest (1 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Welcome to TAM and sorry you're going through all of this.
> 
> What steps has your husband taken since cheating on you ''through the marriage,'' to ensure that he is a good partner to stay with?
> 
> ...


We married young so we didn’t really know what to do in our marriage. It started off rocky but it did get better. I haven’t suspected him cheating or anything for the last 8 years. Not trying to take up for him or anything. And to be honest i feel that he might be talking to someone else. I feel like if he initiated it then he should be the one to start the process. I have started to work on myself because i did lose myself and didn’t have the spunk to do anything really. I mostly take care of the kids and work a part time job. So that was truly it. He started to talk about how he was depressed and wanted more out of life because we were and still struggling financially but not as much now as we were then. But he didn’t want me to get a full time job. He wanted me to start my own business but i felt like i was standing still for so long that i didn’t think i would succeed in it. So we invested in me to take this class but he felt like i wasn’t giving it my all and i wasn’t. But a part of me do believe that divorce might be the option but the other part of me would like to try and get counseling. I’m torn because he is all i know. I shouldn’t be dependent on a man and I’m not but I’m not sure if i want to start all the way over. The world has gotten crazy and I’m actually scared to date.


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## Letshopeforthebest (1 mo ago)

Letshopeforthebest said:


> We married young so we didn’t really know what to do in our marriage. It started off rocky but it did get better. I haven’t suspected him cheating or anything for the last 8 years. Not trying to take up for him or anything. And to be honest i feel that he might be talking to someone else. I feel like if he initiated it then he should be the one to start the process. I have started to work on myself because i did lose myself and didn’t have the spunk to do anything really. I mostly take care of the kids and work a part time job. So that was truly it. He started to talk about how he was depressed and wanted more out of life because we were and still struggling financially but not as much now as we were then. But he didn’t want me to get a full time job. He wanted me to start my own business but i felt like i was standing still for so long that i didn’t think i would succeed in it. So we invested in me to take this class but he felt like i wasn’t giving it my all and i wasn’t. But a part of me do believe that divorce might be the option but the other part of me would like to try and get counseling. I’m torn because he is all i know. I shouldn’t be dependent on a man and I’m not but I’m not sure if i want to start all the way over. The world has gotten crazy and I’m actually scared to date.


And thank you!


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Are you ok with him having extra marital relationships with other women?

It seems like you accepted it in the past and are potentially ok with it happening again right now as long as he comes back?

I would think the normal response to someone cheating would be to divorce them. Also, if he says he doesn't want to be married, I would get my ducks in a row rapidly and file for divorce.

You will be at an advantage if you are the one to file....


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Letshopeforthebest said:


> And thank you!


YW! 

Before you do anything else, you need to find out if there is someone else he's involved with - whether it's just chatting, emotional or physical...

You don't need to become obsessive about it, but if he is going down the path of infidelity, or is already on it, you need to know that because if it were me, there'd be absolutely nothing to 'save' if he's doing that, again.

Marriage takes two, and you have your own flaws to work on, but when someone steps out of the marriage to escape into another relationship, that's not worth saving to me, especially since he has a track record of cheating early on in the marriage. My best guess is that there's someone else, but he doesn't want to push you away because he's unsure if that will lead anywhere with her. I could be entirely wrong, but it's just a vibe I'm getting from your story.

So, I'd consider that first, and seek legal advice just so you're prepared. Don't stay married to him out of fear. If it turns out he's not cheating, there could be hope if he comes home, recommits, and you both find a good counselor.


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## Letshopeforthebest (1 mo ago)

No, I’m not okay with him having affairs. To be honest i do want a divorce because i feel like he should know what he wants by now. I think I’m trying because of our kids because they pray every night for us to stay together. We went to revival and they got in front of everyone to ask for prayer for us to stay together. And it’s heartbreaking to see them like that. I always wanted to give them something that i didn’t have growing up (A two parent house). I try talking to them about what if we didn’t stay together and they don’t want to hear that. I think that’s what has been stopping me from filing. I know i should make the best decision for me but I put them first.
And thanks for conversing with me!!! It really helps to talk it out and to see it from other perspectives


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## Letshopeforthebest (1 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> YW!
> 
> Before you do anything else, you need to find out if there is someone else he's involved with - whether it's just chatting, emotional or physical...
> 
> ...


I am definitely looking into legal advice and also looking into uncontested divorces as well. I don’t want to spend a lot of money if we can just agree on what he needs to pay me.
I will ask to see. Hopefully he is honest about the situation.


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## Letshopeforthebest (1 mo ago)

re16 said:


> Are you ok with him having extra marital relationships with other women?
> 
> It seems like you accepted it in the past and are potentially ok with it happening again right now as long as he comes back?
> 
> ...





re16 said:


> Are you ok with him having extra marital relationships with other women?
> 
> It seems like you accepted it in the past and are potentially ok with it happening again right now as long as he comes back?
> 
> ...


No, I’m not okay with him having affairs. To be honest i do want a divorce because i feel like he should know what he wants by now. I think I’m trying because of our kids because they pray every night for us to stay together. We went to revival and they got in front of everyone to ask for prayer for us to stay together. And it’s heartbreaking to see them like that. I always wanted to give them something that i didn’t have growing up (A two parent house). I try talking to them about what if we didn’t stay together and they don’t want to hear that. I think that’s what has been stopping me from filing. I know i should make the best decision for me but I put them first.
And thanks for conversing with me!!! It really helps to talk it out and to see it from other perspectives


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## Letshopeforthebest (1 mo ago)

Letshopeforthebest said:


> No, I’m not okay with him having affairs. To be honest i do want a divorce because i feel like he should know what he wants by now. I think I’m trying because of our kids because they pray every night for us to stay together. We went to revival and they got in front of everyone to ask for prayer for us to stay together. And it’s heartbreaking to see them like that. I always wanted to give them something that i didn’t have growing up (A two parent house). I try talking to them about what if we didn’t stay together and they don’t want to hear that. I think that’s what has been stopping me from filing. I know i should make the best decision for me but I put them first.
> And thanks for conversing with me!!! It really helps to talk it out and to see it from other perspectives


It didn’t look like i replied so if i did twice forgive me!


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

He likely wanted his own place so he would have a place to sleep with someone else and talk to that person freely on the phone without you hearing. That person was selected before he moved. I think he is hardening his heart to you but feels guilty and that is the reason he holds you and pretends to care. Get a copy of his phone records. Odds are there is one number on there belonging to the other person. You could also have his placed watched for a 24 hour period and find out exactly who he is sleeping with.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

He cheated on you AND separated from you? I’d say dump him.

How attached are you to him? How difficult would it be for you to move on?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

LHFTB-Ok, so I have been around this state of affairs for over four decades. I have met many men/women like your BH. He will not know what he has lost until it is gone. Been there. Done that. Held up the sobbing SOB while he/they have watched their former great spouse marry someone who deserves them. They are left wondering what the hell they did when they see the ex find happiness. I have been in the sanctuary when the ex spouse was sitting in a back pew fuming while watching their ex marry someone else. In one case both betrayed spouses found one another and married while his ex sat in the back pew and sobbed that if it were not for her meeting OM, she would have never been sitting here watching her ex Husband marry her former AP's ex wife. Even worse when they had kids. She cursed herself over and over and over.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Letshopeforthebest said:


> I feel like if he initiated it then he should be the one to start the process.


Hi! I'm not sure I agree. If you feel like he is leaving you in limbo about your relationship status, then you have every right to start the process. 

If you want to wait it out for a bit, I'd say a month or two's time, make a decision then. If you are still hitting a wall with him within this time, I think at that point, you would have every right to get out of it. You can't work with someone who is not willing to discuss the status of your relationship.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Letshopeforthebest said:


> No, I’m not okay with him having affairs. To be honest i do want a divorce because i feel like he should know what he wants by now. I think I’m trying because of *our kids because they pray every night for us to stay together. We went to revival and they got in front of everyone to ask for prayer for us to stay together. And it’s heartbreaking to see them like that. I always wanted to give them something that i didn’t have growing up (A two parent house).* I try talking to them about what if we didn’t stay together and they don’t want to hear that. I think that’s what has been stopping me from filing. I know i should make the best decision for me but I put them first.
> And thanks for conversing with me!!! It really helps to talk it out and to see it from other perspectives


Man, your kids coming forward asking for others to pray over them for your family to stay together just broke my heart. Your husband is a F up who has good kids that want to fight for the family but your husband is out there chasing tail. 

It’s well past time for you to find your anger. if not for yourself, then for your kids. You are not a doormat, so don’t let him treat you as such. Letting him come back into your life when he feels guilty or is dumped. He should be crawling on his hands and knees to make things right between you and him.

btw, Have you let him know that your kids went up for prayer for the family? If you did and he’s not fighting for the family then I don’t see much hope. If he doesn’t know, then let him know. Sending you and your kids a virtual hug.


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## Letshopeforthebest (1 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> He cheated on you AND separated from you? I’d say dump him.
> 
> How attached are you to him? How difficult would it be for you to move on?


You are right!!! Part of me do want the divorce because at this point you should know what i mean to you. It’s not that I don’t know my worth but I feel like put too many years in to let it go. 

He is all i know. Never really dated when i was younger. Parents was strict. We got married at 21. He has been my only real relationship. We dated from 8th grade til now. We were each first in everything. I just think about all the what ifs. What would sex be with someone else? What if i like someone but my children don’t? What if this person turns out to be completely different down the line in the relationship? One moment I’m ready to start my new life then next I’m scared about the new chapter.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Letshopeforthebest said:


> You are right!!! Part of me do want the divorce because at this point you should know what i mean to you. It’s not that I don’t know my worth but I feel like put too many years in to let it go.
> 
> He is all i know. Never really dated when i was younger. Parents was strict. We got married at 21. He has been my only real relationship. We dated from 8th grade til now. We were each first in everything. I just think about all the what ifs. What would sex be with someone else? What if i like someone but my children don’t? What if this person turns out to be completely different down the line in the relationship? One moment I’m ready to start my new life then next I’m scared about the new chapter.


But, those aren’t reasons to stay. Your husband is past the “what ifs” and has cheated before and likely still is. He probably will live in this limbo because it will cost him to divorce you. You and your kids deserve better. Your kids asking for prayer is beautiful but kids usually want their parents to stay together, and they don’t know the half of it.

“What if” you could live free, not as a second option or plan B, and be unafraid of the future? What if’s can go either way.😌


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## Letshopeforthebest (1 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> Man, your kids coming forward asking for others to pray over them for your family to stay together just broke my heart. Your husband is a F up who has good kids that want to fight for the family but your husband is out there chasing tail.
> 
> It’s well past time for you to find your anger. if not for yourself, then for your kids. You are not a doormat, so don’t let him treat you as such. Letting him come back into your life when he feels guilty or is dumped. He should be crawling on his hands and knees to make things right between you and him.
> 
> btw, Have you let him know that your kids went up for prayer for the family? If you did and he’s not fighting for the family then I don’t see much hope. If he doesn’t know, then let him know. Sending you and your kids a virtual hug.


That he is!!!
They are the best!!! I haven’t told him because they don’t want him to know they did it. They believe in the power of prayer. 
I am very angry and hurt and would like to get some type of revenge. I want him to hurt just like i do. I don’t want to be that person that allows him to see me at my absolute worse because he’s having a mental/midlife crisis. I want to get myself together and get to know me again.
Thanks for the hug!!! It is well needed!


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## Letshopeforthebest (1 mo ago)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> He likely wanted his own place so he would have a place to sleep with someone else and talk to that person freely on the phone without you hearing. That person was selected before he moved. I think he is hardening his heart to you but feels guilty and that is the reason he holds you and pretends to care. Get a copy of his phone records. Odds are there is one number on there belonging to the other person. You could also have his placed watched for a 24 hour period and find out exactly who he is sleeping with.


I have access but he’s not talking to anyone for a long period of time on that phone unless he has another phone or using an app. We talk all throughout the day and even through out the morning at times. One or two o’clock in the morning. The job he has keeps him up late. He’s at my house by 5:30 in the morning to sleep and drop the kids off at school. He doesn’t have a place to stay because his clothes are in his vehicle. But don’t know where he washes his clothes or takes bath. His job has a shower but don’t know if he’s there. Nobody will have anything to do with him other then his dad and so called friends. He still pays the bill here. So he doesn’t really have much money to spend on an apartment. He ask me for money at times.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This is the behavior of someone who wants you as a backup plan while he explores his options.

I would file for divorce and cut him off. That's not to say that you could never reconcile, but you're giving him way too much power to jerk you around. That tells him you aren't worth much and are content to sit back while he decides if he can do better.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Does he want to stay together due to finances — maybe he can’t afford a divorce — but still act like he’s single? There are very few men who would separate and then live as he appears to be living. My guess is there’s another woman and he’s splitting time between the two of you.


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## Letshopeforthebest (1 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> This is the behavior of someone who wants you as a backup plan while he explores his options.
> 
> I would file for divorce and cut him off. That's not to say that you could never reconcile, but you're giving him way too much power to jerk you around. That tells him you aren't worth much and are content to sit back while he decides if he can do better.


You are right. I have started to look into doing an uncontested divorce because I’m sure he doesn’t want to have to pay that money for a lawyer.


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## Letshopeforthebest (1 mo ago)

Oh!!! I did that as well. But I’m an over-thinker and sometimes talking it out helps as well. So hence that’s why i came here. I thought this was a safe place? But i could be wrong….


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Letshopeforthebest said:


> Oh!!! I did that as well. But I’m an over-thinker and sometimes talking it out helps as well. So hence that’s why i came here. I thought this was a safe place? But i could be wrong….


This is not a safe space.

While some will try to help you others will do whatever. We have some rules to protect posters but not a bunch as things you may not want to hear are still valid advice.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

The whole stay together for the kids no matter what thing is not as helpful as you think.

They will model this, the boys will think they can do anything to a woman and she should accept it. If you have girls, they will model you and tolerate things they shouldn't tolerate.

If you separate and find a good new fit, they will have a healthy relationship to model.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

chazmataz33 said:


> How about asking that God you talk about for strength and guidance?


Huh? That God? Really? Why are you ridiculing her beliefs? This woman is at rock bottom facing the break up of her family and the only relationship she’s ever had. Just because this is a secular site doesn’t mean we should make those who hold to a faith feel dumb for those beliefs.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Letshopeforthebest said:


> Oh!!! I did that as well. But I’m an over-thinker and sometimes talking it out helps as well. So hence that’s why i came here. I thought this was a safe place? But i could be wrong….


Well, it’s the internet lol so you’ll get a mixed bag of responses. Some may resonate, some may not. I think you’ll at least be able to get objective advice without bias, as we don’t “know” you.


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## Letshopeforthebest (1 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Well, it’s the internet lol so you’ll get a mixed bag of responses. Some may resonate, some may not. I think you’ll at least be able to get objective advice without bias, as we don’t “know” you.


I understand! There will always be someone on a post that says something crazy. It never fails and I was waiting.


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## Letshopeforthebest (1 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> This is not a safe space.
> 
> While some will try to help you others will do whatever. We have some rules to protect posters but not a bunch as things you may not want to hear are still valid advice.


I know that it’s not a safe place. I welcome all advice pertaining to my post. That wasn’t advice. He was making a mockery out of my beliefs. Some people behind screens do things they normally wouldn’t do in person.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Can we go back a little, you mention often being scared of dating, talking about being scared of seeing someone new etc. and there’s your current situation: so that’s two separate issues, but your fears are more focussed on your future with someone else. 

Now coming back to the main issue, what was the thing that led to the actual separation exactly?


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

i have read your story and honestly you have already divorced him in your mind . it just seems you are having a hard time dealing with these feelings. i am someone who came from a broken home. divorce etc.. trust me when i say this , from you have written he doesn't want to work things out with you . your still there so he probably feels what's the need to, you wont leave. it is clear you have no trust for him and even have resentment towards him. 

the one thing i can promise you is your children see everything. they don't say it but they know. the longer you stay in a toxic marriage the longer it will form your children's view of relationships. i know im 49 never been married , no kids , nothing. the children didn't have a choice to be brought into this world so my best advice show him your serious about your feelings and he can either start working with you to make the marriage better OR YOU WILL LEAVE for the sake of your children..


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> This is not a safe space.
> 
> While some will try to help you others will do whatever. We have some rules to protect posters but not a bunch as things you may not want to hear are still valid advice.


Actually, according to the rules TAM is a safe space, in general terms.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jsmart said:


> Huh? That God? Really? Why are you ridiculing her beliefs? This woman is at rock bottom facing the break up of her family and the only relationship she’s ever had. Just because this is a secular site doesn’t mean we should make those who hold to a faith feel dumb for those beliefs.


He's thinking about why what he said was wrong, now.


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