# Feeling guilty



## Wife217 (Jul 1, 2012)

No I haven't cheated or anything...probably a bad title but its how I feel. I am 36 and my husband of 5 months is 43. He is a wonderful man that treats me better than I have ever been treated before. He is responsible with our money, buys me small gifts often, cooks for me, basically puts me on a pedestal. I know he loves me. And that's why I feel guilty. I want more. I want exciting sex and I want it often. It doesn't have to be kinky or anything...basically I just want passion. We have sex maybe 2 times a week and I usually go down on him with nothing in return 3 times a month or more. When we have sex its good as far as intimacy is concerned. But its pretty much the same every time... a few minutes of touching each other and then right to it. I never climax unless I am on top but when I am on top he can't stay hard. We have tried it several different ways but nothing works. He won't give me oral because he says I get too wet when I get excited. I let him know I want him and he will tease me and touch my breasts but there is no follow through 90% of the time. He spends no time on me during foreplay and yes we have talked about it but he just feels badly about "failing" me..his words not mine, and then I feel like I have to apologize. He has been in several different relationships and I have been in one other. He has done a lot of other things like having sex outside, being tied up,ect. And I never have and I trust him enough that I want to explore that kind of thing with him. He says he is to old for it, he is past that and just wants a loving sex life. We have talked about it several times and I have freely expressed myself to no avail. So after all that I guess my question is, is it his age? Should I not expect anything other than our vanilla sex life? Am I being unfair to want more when he is so wonderful to me in every other area? Sorry that this is so long lol! Please help!! Thanks for reading!


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Hello
Just a thought, try not to let sex become an issue or obligation as that can make it more difficult. That being said communication is key and it sounds like you have communicated your needs clearly and he has understood them clearly, right?

A rather random, personal question (don't answer if you don't wish), does he get release with porn regularly?


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## Wife217 (Jul 1, 2012)

We have talked about porn before and he has told me he has watched some in the past but its been a few years before we met that he last watched any. I honestly don't feel that is the problem. And yes I feel that we have both respectively and frankly discussed all of this more than once so he knows how I feel but I don't want to harp or run it into the ground. Thanks for the reply btw!


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

I hope others can provide some constructive advice.
It sounds like he is a healthy, balanced person. The only inclination of doubt I have is that he isn't that old and perhaps he could realign his expectations. There is so much talk about how men's interest drops when they get older that I sometimes wonder if it isn't an autosugestion... us men start to convince ourselves that we are over the hill, which is wrong.

Personally I like the idea of wet oral sex, so I think this is all a question of taste/attitude which is good, because it means you both might be able to tune that to satisfy you both with some positive thinking. Just a little reconfirmation, you have no reason to feel guilt (re the title) I kindly suggest turning the guilt off completely, guilt is a negative emotion which sucks engery away from improving things.

Best wishes.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

Wife217 said:


> basically I just want passion.
> 
> Should I not expect anything other than our vanilla sex life?
> 
> Am I being unfair to want more when he is so wonderful to me in every other area?


Wife - sorry for your frustration.

I don't think you are asking for too much.

Pick up a copy of Male Sexuality by Dr. Michael Bader. Ideally, you can read it with your husband. It has a great deal of information about human sexuality, but focuses on men. Bader also wrote a book called Arousal which is not gender specific and is a fascinating read.

Send hubby to this link Nice Guy Test and see how he scores. No More Mr. Nice Guy might be a good read for him as well.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Has he been checked physically ? I ask because there should be absolutely no reason (IMO) that he shouldn't stay hard when you are on top.

He may be beginning to have an ED problem -- but don't tell him that. I would suggest having him get his yearly physical -- go with him to then doctor -- and listen to the doctor. One thing mosts doctors ask is "how is your sex life and is everything okay" -- listen to your husband -- and suplement your observations if he doesn't say anything.

As far as more intimacy and going down on you -- even though he is 43 -- he may have some hangups. Be patient -- keep all communications open -- 

Do you guys use toys in bed -- maybe he could use one on you that would help you get to your orgasm -- and teach him something new.

God has played a cruel trick on men and women -- by having the sexual peeks at different phases in their lifes.

Good luck -- love yourself and husband -- be patient --


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Take matters into your own hands? Next time he's lying on the couch watching football put on some sexy panties and a football jersey and go sit on him on the living room couch. Start walking around the house naked. Force the issue.


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## Wife217 (Jul 1, 2012)

Thank you all so much for your advice. Its so nice to finally be able to express all this to a 3rd party. In reply: Drover: I have done this several times,lit candles in the bed room and played soft music and dressed sexy while he is in the other room watching tv...we did have sex but it was out of obligation in order to spare my feelings. After I had gone to so much trouble he felt he had to and so I never did it again. JH52: I like the idea of a yearly physical and going with him if he will allow me. As for going down on me we have talked some about our past sexual experiences to a point and he has told me he never had a problem going down on his ex's. They douched and I don't, I have heard they are unhealthy. I have a toy but have only used it a few times. Tbh I am not really sure how to use it myself lol. Formerniceguy: Thanks for the book suggestions. I will definitely be checking them out. Henri: As for feeling guilty, it is hard not to. I know he feels bad that our sex life isn't what I want. He talks about being "fail" and apologizes to me a lot which then makes me feel like maybe I am being unreasonable to expect sex more than once or twice week. I thought guys were the ones to want sex all the time not women lol. I am just at a loss here as to what to do. I feel that I have explored all avenues and am at a dead end where I just need to accept that this is the way it is and learn to live with it. Again, thanks so very much for all the input! You will never know how much it means to me.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Wife217 said:


> Drover: I have done this several times,lit candles in the bed room and played soft music and dressed sexy while he is in the other room watching tv...we did have sex but it was out of obligation in order to spare my feelings.


That's not at all the same thing as what I'm suggesting. Candles and soft music in the bedroom will just lead to more vanilla sex in the bedroom. That doesn't force the issue at all.


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