# How to move past this



## DoomJockey (May 17, 2016)

Hi there. After reading a bunch I realize others have had much more trauma than my situation, but still at a loss and don't have many options of people to talk to about this.

My wife and I have been married for about 3 years, together for 6. We have my son from a previous marriage (I have custody) who is 7 and twin boys about to turn 2. My wife stays at home with the children and even watches other kids during the day. We constantly argue about the other kids she watches because I hate them and I feel trapped in my own bedroom when they are there. We have sex maybe once a week, but lack any romance due to this in my opinion. I feel I can't romance my wife until after 6pm. On the flip side, she is stuck in the house all day and never gets many opportunities to get out. All of our friends all but abandoned us after we had the twins.

My wife and I had a huge blowout argument about 3+ weeks ago now in which I left and stayed elsewhere. My wife consistently said she doesn't know what she wants and that she needs to find herself. Over the weeks, I got back to the house, we were sleeping the bed together and I thought things were going great despite a nagging feeling there was something still wrong. Wife informed me she still felt that she didn't know if things would be good for the long haul. Of course I got suspicious and resisted previously to do any snooping but found she was having an intimate relationship with somebody over the Internet. I confronted her and she was apologetic, but apathetic. She is a relatively emotionless person other then happy and angry, so it's hard to read. She lied about several details while being confronted that I had found, not knowing what I knew. We were nice to each other after some time arguing and she agrees that she wants to work on our marriage, but still isn't confident in the future. Then there is this all this extra BS to add to the mix.

To add in her perspective, I am not the easiest person to deal with. I have been a Paramedic for 8 years, 2 of which is dealing with the sickest of the sick. I have suffered from depression for most of my life, and I believe I am now currently battling PTSD from recent events involving my work. My wife says she has never felt she wasn't "in love" until after our first blow up to which she revealed she couldn't handle my depression and mood swings anymore. I understand all of this and in the few weeks have gone back on anti-depressants and am now seeking more permanent options for counseling to change and better myself as a person, husband and father. Im not doing this just to save our marriage either, I really do want to better myself for me. Despite all of this, I just don't think she feels the same way about our marriage that I do.

Now with this complication of the online relationship I have my doubts. My first marriage ended due to drugs and infidelity following post partum depression. I can understand why she would've sought outside attention; I can't say I haven't felt the same way at times. But I can't see right now how I will ever trust her again. The particulars I have found out during my snooping doesn't bother me so much as it was the lying that surrounded the confrontation and her uncertainty about our future. I've never really invaded her privacy before, so it was a big shocker and now wonder what else I don't know about. I want to forgive, but at the same time I don't. I've been through this song and dance before, and forgiving just ended in even more hurt on my end. I don't want to go through another divorce and I can't handle another heartbreak this way from the love of my life; I truly just want to run away from everything and disappear. My kids, my family, my life, everything. I have left again, but a bit more amicable this go round. I told her I needed to leave so I could figure out how to forgive her. 

I guess what I'm seeking is advice on how to forgive, and trusting somebody after infidelity from people having experienced it. How do you stay in a marriage when the other has doubts that it will survive? How do I move past things and not feel like I have to invade her privacy again to be sure it's not happening again?

Sorry if long winded, I'm at a bit of a loss at the moment. Thanks.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

There can be no forgiveness if the affair is still active. You cannot forgive until you know all there is to know about her OM, how long she has been doing this, have they met in person, and other details. You need to know what you are forgiving her for.

There can be no forgiveness if she is not remorseful and asks for forgiveness.

As far as trust goes, she has destroyed that for now. It can be rebuilt, but after my wife's EA, my trust was forever altered. I no longer trust her unconditionally as I did before. Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

I'm starting to think there is no moving past it. I'm at 10 months since D-Day and things are better but every fvcking day I think about it. It could be the physical presence of the person that betrayed you is a trigger. My prediction though is that in 10 months, you'll be like me, up past your bed time and writing posts on infidelity sites and still waiting for it to pass.

Sorry for the buzz-kill but it doesn't get any easier any faster.

On the other hand, my slvt wife is sleeping like a baby!


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

DoomJockey said:


> I feel I can't romance my wife until after 6pm. On the flip side, she is stuck in the house all day and never gets many opportunities to get out. All of our friends all but abandoned us after we had the twins.


Obviously you have a lot of personal problems as well as marital problems. The claim that you can't romance her until after 6pm is nonsense. How long does an embrace take? A kiss? A slap on the butt? Getting her some flowers? Texting or calling her during the day to tell her you're thinking of her. Stop with this excuse.

Also, read this thread. All of it. And take notes.


Teasing your wife or girlfriend

Time to rekindle that fire, and do it quickly; time is not on your side.


Read the first post in this thread. It may offer insight into your wife's state of mind.


Why Women Leave Men They Love: What Every Man Needs to Know



Last but definitely not least: you two need to communicate better and I don't mean a screaming match. Get the book Reclaiming Conversation by Sherry Turkle. It's on Amazon.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There should be counselling help available through work. 

If there isn't then your bosses don't care about their workers and it's time to seek out other work. 

Your wife must stop being a cheat.

And do not forgive her until you know exactly what you are forgiving her for.

Counselling for you both is an option I feel.

If she is emotionless shr nay be on the autism spectrum so this needs to be checked out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my friend.

If you want to forgive her ask your wife this: Who was this OM,how long did it last,was it PA or EA,did your wife end all Contact with him,did she apologized to you,is she remorseful...

After all of this then you can start and heal yourself and your Marriage,but remember both of you have to give 100%. You cant fight for your Marriage by yourself. Some MC would be nice.

Your wife have a lot of free time,maybe she could find a job. Stop babysiting other children,better spend time with each other and your own children.

Time for you to find some informations.

Stay strong.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

What's the point in forgiving someone that doesn't care about being forgiven? You're gainfully employed and probably keep yourself in decent shape. Those two things = you can be eyebrows deep in women any time you want. Things have changed. Try *******. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Dump the cheater, gain a life, have a blast. Life is too short to waste your energy on putting up with a cheater.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

The below song is the best and the most alpha and commanding respect way to handle the girl in your situation. Make no mistake about it. To everybody and their cousin, you'll be the hero. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4v3J2FeUqAA

Pay particular attention to the last of the song.

_"If it's me you want to love you
I'll be more than glad to love you
Love you till your life is done
But, darling, if I'm not the one
Then run to him"_


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