# Wife is considering divorce after 8 months of marriage



## jsbehr (Mar 17, 2014)

Hey everyone,

Me (24) and my wife (26) were married on July 13 of last year after about 5 years of dating. We were originally living in the upstate of South Carolina but moved to the coast 3 weeks prior to the wedding because that's where we ultimately decided we wanted to settle with our lives. 

After the wedding, we were living on savings while we started to look for jobs. I'm an aircraft mechanic and she just came off a job as an assistant manager. It took a couple months but we eventually found positions and were immediately becoming financially stable. Everything seemed to be falling right into place for us.

Last week, my wife told me she wasn't happy. Now a little back story here. When we were dating, I was going to school for my mechanic license, I was under a large amount of stress. There were times when I just felt down and didn't want to talk about it while she tried what she could to be my support. I loved that she was there for me, but it was just one of those things I wanted to deal with on my own. We broke up for 8 months or so because she didn't like my attitude during that time. After I got my license, I started working and we got back together. 

During my time of unemployment after the wedding, I had the same feelings of stress. I'm a person that is extremely hard on myself and every day felt like I was a failure for not finding a job yet. She again tried to keep my spirits up but some days I just couldn't find the drive. When I finally got my job, I was put on an evening shift (she's a morning shift at her job) and started working a good bit. Days we have off together were great and we spent them doing things. 

After she told she was unhappy she started staying at her friend's house. When we finally talked about it she hit with me with a lot of issues she was having. Like: My attitude (I really think this is a misunderstanding of how I vent my frustrations) she feels I take it out on her, not feeling appreciated with keeping the apartment straightened up (we both do chores around the apartment), me sleeping in on the days we have off shows I don't really want to spend time with her (I have 4 days off a month, I like to sleep in those days), and a whole bunch of just little things that are so insignificant I can't imagine getting a divorce over. Closing closet doors all the way, putting dishes on the left side of the sink, and putting things in the dishwasher correctly.

I can understand little things like this becoming an annoyance over time but if I knew it was actually causing her to become this unhappy it would have changed immediately. I'm not in any way abusive or demeaning towards her. In my mind, this not something you throw a marriage away for. I'm wondering if she's just under a ton of stress. She isn't liking the way things are going at work and she told me she almost quit the other day. It just seems like the issues she has with me is heightened to this level because of other factors going on. 

Any advice? We haven't really talked much since she hit me with everything on Thursday and she isn't staying with me right now. I'm trying to give her the space I think she needs but it's hard.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well one thing I'd suggest is that you not poo poo the things that bother her, because I get a general tone of dismissiveness from your post. As in, oh these things are silly; you're just under stress. You may think they're no big deal but clearly if she's thinking of ending your marriage they are a big deal to her. Sit down and acknowledge what she's saying, then present your viewpoint and see if you can come to a compromise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsbehr (Mar 17, 2014)

I always try to be understanding about it. I completely see that she can be frustrated and annoyed by those things especially because it's "I've told you once, I've told you 100 times" type of thing. I think a good bit has to do with me being naive and stupid, that since we are married, I had all the time in the world to fix those things. I told her when she let me know all those things bothered her that I would change them but I don't think she believes me. 

Since she's been gone I've done all the laundry, folded/hung up her clothes, and kept the place looking clean (we live in a crappy apartment, which is all we could afford at the time we moved down and our lease isn't up until July). Basically, I'm just being more mindful of the things she brought up. I'm hoping she'll see I can be more than what she thinks I can be. My only reasoning behind her getting unhappy is I guess with the start of my career I forgot myself. I didn't know what all marriage entailed and just kinda kept treating it like we were still engaged for the last 8 months.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> After she told she was unhappy she started staying at her friend's house. When we finally talked about it she hit with me with a lot of issues she was having. Like: My attitude (I really think this is a misunderstanding of how I vent my frustrations) she feels I take it out on her, not feeling appreciated with keeping the apartment straightened up (we both do chores around the apartment), me sleeping in on the days we have off shows I don't really want to spend time with her (I have 4 days off a month, I like to sleep in those days), and a whole bunch of just little things that are so insignificant I can't imagine getting a divorce over. Closing closet doors all the way, putting dishes on the left side of the sink, and putting things in the dishwasher correctly.
> 
> I can understand little things like this becoming an annoyance over time but *if I knew it was actually causing her to become this unhappy it would have changed immediately.*


Your willingness to change to make her happy is an indication that there is imbalance in your relationship. You should read up on what attracts men to women. You need to up your sex ranking. Are you in good shape? Are you overweight?

Search for Machiavelli here on TAM and read some of his thread advice.

How much do you make each month? How much does she? Does she see your career as sexy or a dead end? Hers?


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## jsbehr (Mar 17, 2014)

I'm willing to change what all seems to be annoying and frustrating her. The little things that she mentioned, I've managed to pay close attention to and it doesn't seem hard to do regularly. Of course I don't plan to give into her every will imaginable. I'm wanting to compromise in that I be more mindful of the things that annoy her if she is willing to be patient and communicate to me a little better as to why it frustrates her. 

You are right, there could be imbalance there because I'm a very easy going guy. There are plenty of things that frustrate me that she does and I'll mention them to her, but you won't find me building up a resentment over it. 

As for everything else: I am in good shape, 5-10, 155 lbs, so a little on the smaller side but I'm pretty toned and workout regularly. I usually make between $2200-$3500 a month, depending how much OT I work. I am making entry level pay for a flight line mechanic at a major aircraft manufacturing company (that should almost give away who I work for) and there is enormous possibilities for growth. She makes about $1800 a month, which goes to groceries and her own personal bills like car insurance, student loans, etc. She did get a promotion to a guest service manager position but her pay isn't reflective of it. It's stupid but for some reason she has to go through a managerial training course to get the pay raise and her supervisor is negligent on setting it up. 

We are obviously very comfortable in our careers and the future they bring which makes me very happy for what we have so when she said she wasn't it was very much a surprise.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Your spouse is the person you should be able to express your worries, desires and hopes with. You cut her out of your worries and shut down. While men feel shut out when women don't have sex with them, women feel shut out when you don't share what's bothering you. They loose that 'connected' feeling. Don't dismiss the importance of how you deal with your struggles. It's important to share them. It's part of the "us against them" feeling of being partners in life.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Stay active. Work out hard to make yourself tired. You need to sleep well. 

Do not drink or surf for porn to pass time.

Do not be needy in an discussion. Listen to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

The petty complaints about chores and such are easily overlooked by someone who truly loves you. You left the toilet seat up! I'm getting a divorce!

What's going on between you two? Is she saying you need to do this and that or else it's over? Because if she is, she's in control of the relationship and if you cave in to all her demands all the time without standing up for yourself she will lose even more respect for you.

Why does leaving a closet door open set her off? Sounds like her problem. Tell her she needs to deal with her issues. Let me guess, she says you've changed.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

By the way, she may well be cheating. You need to check the phone bill to see whom she is texting and calling. Can you get access to her email?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I recommend good 'ol fashion "sit down". There is a clear lack of 

communication on both ends. Find what both of you agree on first

then start chipping away at the differences. Pay attention to what 

EW stated, men and women see things completely different. Her 

leaving this soon and quick may give you a clue on how your next

thirty years will be. Does she always bolt when things get tough?

Females communicate with emotion.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Are you in IC? If not, it would be a good thing for you. It sounds like you deal with frustration in ways that are perhaps not best for you or your relationship. You could learn why you act the way you do and some new coping mechanisms.

this is an opportunity for you to become more stable yourself. She's doing you a favor by pushing you on this.

On the other hand, her willingness to bail this early is not a good sign. That is a terrible response and shows her own lack of commitment and lack of ability to respond to pain in healthy ways.


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