# Im about to go insane



## American Arrogance (Sep 5, 2008)

Here goes:

I dont know how to go about this topic. In 2006, I found out that my husband was contacting guys for sexual contact. He put ads out on craigslist, watched gay porn and took nude pics and sent them to people. I find out due to coming home one day early from work and he had left open his account at craigslist on my computer. When I approached him about it, he claimed that someone sent him a link to the site that someone else was playing a cruel joke. 

Of course I didnt believe him. So the next day he spent the whole day trying to convince me it was a cruel joke that one of his friends was playing on him. So I let him do his convincing. I went out and bought the Pandora program and placed it on all the computers in the home. I was emailed every 12 hours on the results of his computer usage and I amassed countless hours of gay porn, pictures and even seen ads he created on craigslist. I brought the information to him again (after 4 months) he denied it once again. I tried to be understanding and supportive of him in this obvious weird situation. He still denied any wrong doing and even accused me of planting this information on his computer. So I am obviously hurt but I forgot to keep the program hidden and he found out I had installed it on his computer. So that ends my quest. But I logged into one of his email accounts and noticed that he sent out an email to met with some guy during his lunch break at work for some quick action. I called him at work and asked him what the hell is going on. I told him that I plan on divorcing him because its pretty obvious he is doing these things even though he claims he is not. So he comes home early and confesses to everything I had already knew from my Pandora program. He states that he doesnt know why he does it and that it disgusts him. He claims he has never been with another man and he emails these guys to meet up but he never follows through.

I just cant believe that. So we discuss this to no end and he begs me not to leave. He said he cant live without me, he would commit suicide if I leave as my kids and I are all that he loves in this world. At this time Im pregnant with our 4th child.

I told him I cannot guarantee that I will stay in this marriage. At that time I was a stay at home mom and I really couldnt leave. But I had the baby and went back to the workforce. He seemed to be really interested in making a change within himself and try to work on the marriage. (All this stuff took place between 2006 and 2007)

So fast forward to last week, I check his email and I go to the trash bin section and lo and behold I see an email of pictures of him nude that he sent to another email he has created on yahoo. So I send him an email and letting him know that I know about him again and that I will be filing for divorce. So he calls me immediately with his claims of I love you, I dont know why I do this and blah blah blah.

So he said he doesnt want me to talk with anyone about this stuff but for my sanity I need to discuss this with someone because he obviously dont want to talk to me about it. He claims he is not into men nor remotely attracted to them but aroused by the sexual act just not the persons doing it.

Im thinking my husband is bisexual but doesnt want to admit it. I think that I of all people should understand his feelings more being that I am bisexual as well. But he feels that he is not bisexual. So I suggested I buy a strap on and do those things he fantasizes about but he refuses. SO Im just fed up because now if he cant be sexually satisfied then he will seek out men as he has done in the past. I still think he has done something with a man. He wont admit it but Im at a loss for words as to this marriage. As I said before he is a horrible husband. 

I suggested he seek counseling but he wont. I have already seeked counseling and my counselor has told me I already made up my mind about this marriage. So I stopped going but I think Im a start going back because I need to find the courage to leave him.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

American Arrogance said:


> I suggested he seek counseling but he wont.


That's a huge red flag to me that says he isnt willing to really work on things. that would be a deal breaker for me.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> If he wants to keep the marriage intact, counseling or complete behavioral change is a must. He can't be with other men and you. You know this. He has to make a choice.... now! Is he using protection in his escapades? It sounds as though he has multiple partners? You need to get yourself tested for STD's, especially in light of your pregnancy. His promiscuous behavior is a danger to you. An ultimatum is in order.


:iagree:


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

American Arrogance said:


> Im thinking my husband is bisexual but doesnt want to admit it. I think that I of all peopel should understand his feelings more being that I am bisexual as well. But he feels that he is not bisexual.


Are you involved in relationships outside of the marriage as well?


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## American Arrogance (Sep 5, 2008)

Majority of this stuff took place in 2006 and 2007 when I was pregnant. Our daughter is almost 2 now. He says he has never been with a man, he isnt attracted to them but he is attracted to the act or something like that. He has said time and time again that he hasnt been with another man nor stepped out the marriage. But I cant be too sure. I dont know what he does when he is doing happy hour or at lunch. As for STD's I havent had one thus far. But my husband refers to hisself as a bottom.

Amplexor...I only partake in that lifestyle when hubby is present. I dont go out on my own in that.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

maybe you should do a little role play, Shop online with him and find a strap on you can use.

He is interested int he experience, but wants to share it with you and not some guy.

try some role playing see if that works.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

When you guys have a third party involved in your sex, is it a woman or a man? If it's women, would you be willing to have another guy join you? Would he? Would that satisfy him?

If, for one, would not be into any third party in my bed (heck, right now don't even want the hubby there ) but if you guys have enjoyed that together, it might be one small step toward a solution.

The biggest problem, however, is the lying, the hiding, and the fact that he's obviously seeking out sexual gratification that doesn't not involved you (in an unsafe way at that given that he's contacting strangers through the net). I don't buy it for one second that he hasn't had sex with some of those men. You can bet your house that he has. So, don't fool yourself on that one and make sure that he always, always, always wears a condom when you are intimate with him.

Honestly, if my partner was so unwilling to be honest and to get help, I would leave. You've attempted to be very understanding and he's still feeling the need to be secretive. Maybe it's the secrecy that turns him on too, in which case, you won't be able to stop this behavior.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

American Arrogance-

I'm sure your hubby will thank you if you just buy the strap-on and tell him what's what. I think he is too embarrassed to admit his feelings.

If he truly has desires for men, he may never overcome them, but in acting out with you he will at least have an outlet. That may be enough, and is certainly a safer and saner solution. It's lucky for him you are so broadminded 

Also, to echo what others have said, I think you need to tell him that you can accept him just the way he is, but ONLY if he is completely truthful with you. Tell him to get a test, and you are to be there when he gets the results. If he asks why he can't be trusted, tell him you caught him out in a lie, and he needs to earn your trust back, not by words but by deeds. I am not sure what the current state of testing is, but it was the case that the HIV test could not detect a positive during the first few months of incubation. In other words, if someone has sex and contracts HIV toady, as far as I know, the test will be negative even a week later. So you need to find out what this delay is from a clinic, and take precautions until the time is up, and then some, and then get him tested again. That'll teach him!

Is the rest of your marriage OK?


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