# How to fight insecurities?



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Rant!

I'm full of insecurities! 

I always feel like my girlfriends and/or female cousins (especially 1 in particular) get more men-attention than me.
It's not my feeling, it's actually true. Even a guy-instructor at the gym told me this today. He said "You're not one that people notice immediately....." (although he went on saying I'm very intelligent blah blah blah..:sleeping


When we go to the club, my girls always get more looks and guys approach them and not me. 
When we go to the bar or walk down the street, nobody notices me UNLESS I'm alone. 
Sometimes, I have to put in extra effort to get noticed while said girls are the center of attention effortlessly. 
[I'm glad that I've got beautiful girls around me ..but I wish I could get noticed too.]

So I get looks ONLY when I'm alone. Does it mean I have to be without friends for the rest of my life? Although I never show this side of mine in front of them or anyone else.
I'm a sociable person ..just like my friends are ...but whatever I do I never get the results they get. Even when I try to be more confident, even when I'm not ...it's as if I'm not there.

I even went to the point of thinking that I'll never have a boyfriend anymore because my girlfriends (or cousin) will take him away from me and he will simply get disinterested in me within a short amount of time.
Will he cheat on me with any of them? The guy doesn't even exist..., yet I find myself being taken by paranoia and thoughts of being cheated on.

I've never had a mutual interest with a guy. When I was interested in them ...they weren't in me. Other guys were interested in me but I wasn't in them. 
I've been with a guy in the past but I felt he wasn't interested in me beyond the sexual interest. 
Plus, he expressed interest in my cousin (that 1 in particular)..which was something that turned me off.

Speaking of the cousin (who's 21 and a good looking girl) drew attention of another guy I was interested in the past. 
Now I'm thinking all the guys I'll be interested in the future will always think of her before they think of me.
Mom always talks about how she dresses so well, how she's got a great body, how she's got bigger boobs. 
Seriously, if mom didn't talk about her THAT much I wouldn't be jealous of her. I'm glad that she dresses well but why does mom have to talk about her all the time??? 


The rant goes on.
2 OTHER guys I was interested in the past (different times), got interested in one of my close friends at the time of speaking. Somehow she always manages to get guys' attention although she's nowhere near as good looking as any of the girls I mentioned above.


Recently, at least 4 men at my gym asked me out on dates(though I declined as I'm not interested in any of them), but the only guy I'm currently interested in hasn't YET.

Why am I so unlucky??!! I couldn't stop crying for the whole evening tonight... !!!!
I'm 26 and I'm ashamed to say I sound like 16 with this thread. But I couldn't keep it anymore inside.

P.s. I'm not blaming my girls or cousin about anything. I'm simply saying how things are and how I feel.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have me curious. Wish I could see what you look like.

You are a lawyer? So you have a good education.

what is the education level of the other women?

What do they do for a living?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Tell you honestly, we won't be happy if we want too much of other people's attention. 

People notice us when we don't want other people's attention. We are more confident and happier when we don't want other people's attention. That's how I feel. 

And there is also another way to make us more confident. Read more books. Reading can help us cultivate attracting personalities. I like to read books about human nature. And that has really helped me overcome my insecurities.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Well...4 men at the gym asked you out. So, men do notice you.

Here's the thing - there will always be someone who is more attractive than you. The more you can be at peace with that, the happier you will be. Most of the married guys in the world know of women who are more attractive than their wives, but they married their wives for reasons beyond or in addition to their physical looks. When you start feeling insecure, remind yourself of all the guys who have asked you out and of all the good things about you, physical and not. Celebrate your cousin's beauty and be at peace with the fact that she will attract a lot of male attention and remind yourself that her beauty doesn't diminish all the good things about you or the fact that someday, there will be a man who will see all those good things. He may think your cousin is attractive, but it won't take away from the fact that he ALSO finds you attractive and you're the one he chooses to be with.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You have me curious. Wish I could see what you look like.


I have several pictures in the picture thread, anyway this is one of my recent. I'm pasting my FB picture for a quick view.
http://i58.tinypic.com/x55si8.jpg




> You are a lawyer? So you have a good education.


Yes, I'm a lawyer. I finished 4 year graduate studies in Law. 
I also hold a Master's Degree (post-grad in European Business Law].
I know 3 foreign languages (English, Spanish, Italian)
My native language (Albanian) makes it 4 spoken/written languages.

My girls know only English and not as fluent as I do.

Out of all the girls I mentioned above, I'm the only one with a higher education. 



> what is the education level of the other women?


Only university.



> What do they do for a living?


Only 1 of them is a lawyer like me. 
3 others work as specialists in the financial field, 1 is jobless.
They all studied economics.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Lovelygirl, I have seen your pictures in the recent pic thread.

You are beautiful!!!!!!!

Please don't let someone elses opinion of what they are or are not attracted to bother you! I know that is hard. 

If you get less attention in a group of girls, that doesn't necessarily have to do with your looks. Maybe you are more reserved and don't throw your self out there! Sometimes people notice silence, more than they do the noise. 

Hope you feel better! 

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> I have several pictures in the picture thread, anyway this is one of my recent. I'm pasting my FB picture for a quick view.
> http://i58.tinypic.com/x55si8.jpg


Ok so you are not pretty, you are GORGIOUS. 


lovelygirl said:


> Yes, I'm a lawyer. I finished 4 year graduate studies in Law.
> I also hold a Master's Degree (post-grad in European Business Law].
> I know 3 foreign languages (English, Spanish, Italian)
> My native language (Albanian) makes it 4 spoken/written languages.


You are also very intelligent.

{I also speak Spanish and Italian. I lived in Panama as a child. My mother was Italian. I lived in Italy for about 10 years as an adult.}


lovelygirl said:


> My girls know only English and not as fluent as I do.


When you say that your girls know only English but not fluent, do they also speak Albanian?


lovelygirl said:


> Out of all the girls I mentioned above, I'm the only one with a higher education.
> Only university.





> Only 1 of them is a lawyer like me.
> 
> 3 others work as specialists in the financial field, 1 is jobless.
> 
> They all studied economics.


Ok so they are all have degrees and so are not air heads I think.

Your situation reminds me of one of my sisters (I have 4 sisters). She and I look alike except for our coloring. I’m blond and blue eyed. She has black hair and brown eyes. Few people realize how much we look alike because the coloring is to very different.

The odd thing is that like your friends, the men always gravitate towards her. When we were younger my other sisters and I often lost our boyfriends to her. What she wanted was the attention and she was very very good at getting it. She really did not want the guys but I think that she liked ‘stealing’ them. I say ‘stealing’ because she would not go out with them. She just gave them enough hope to get them to not be interested in us anymore.

Once I realized what was going on I watched her closely. So what’s the difference? I’m outgoing but reserved and brainier. But she has charisma.

There are a lot of videos on youtube about how to get charisma. It’s a skill that can be learned.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcSDYe8zg8Y


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Hey, I asked you for your number. What more do you want from guys in life? This is the pinnacle! 

Look, how many guys do you need? How many will you go out with at once? Just one, I hope. In that case, all you need is one paying you attention--the right one. Your popular friends will most likely not be in a serious long-term relationship by the time you are. I've seen this happen again and again. The popular girls either get married and then divorced early or else they are still dating when the quiet girls are happily married and having kids. 



lovelygirl said:


> Mom always talks about how she dresses so well, how she's got a great body, how she's got bigger boobs.
> 
> Seriously, if mom didn't talk about her THAT much I wouldn't be jealous of her. I'm glad that she dresses well but why does mom have to talk about her all the time???


Yeah, that's not gonna help. She's probably got her own insecurities. you should ask your mum how she felt about herself when she was your age. Her answers might be interesting and revealing. 

As for your own insecurities, you can stop them. You're attractive and seem like a nice kinda girl. You don't need to be super assertive, but a bit of confidence is certainly useful. I'm above average for attractiveness, but definitely nowhere near model material. Yet at a time when I was still broke and living at home with my parents I could attract girls better than anyone I knew, by a very long shot. How? Two things: confidence and the knowledge that people are suckers for positive attention. The combination of those two things allowed me to make people feel good about themselves without it coming across as though I needed people to like me. 

Let me teach you to be confident, in two easy steps. 

*Face Your Fears*

If you're afraid of looking foolish in public, join a public speaking club. If you feel shy and are always wondering what people think of you, join a theatre group. Etc. Facing your fears means approaching them with a plan and not just timidly doing stuff you don't like. Throw yourself in the deep end. You'll swim soon enough and love it shortly after that.

*Stop Fighting Insecurity*

You can't fight a negative emotion and win. You will only make it stronger. Just like the old example where someone is told to not think of pink elephants and that becomes all they can think of, you can't avoid a negative thought by trying not to think it. The way to relax is by relaxing. You have to let things go and be in the now and think of happy things. Mental tension has the same solution as physical tension. What do you do when you get a leg cramp? Do you tense up even more to fight against it? Of course not, because you know you'd just bring yourself more pain. You relax and massage it. Well, it's the same thing in your head. When you feel tense, don't fight it, let it go. And massage up something that feels good to think about. 

All the best.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

There may be a look on your face you aren't aware of that makes people "not notice you". We can have all kinds of looks, including "I'm invisible". You might not know you are doing it. 

How was your childhood? Did you feel you weren't seen? Or did you not want to be noticed?

Or perhaps is there a cultural thing, such as, the way men and women check each other out where you grew up and were impressionable, was it a lot different than where you live now?

Or maybe you simply appear reticent and unsure...even if you act confident your face may be telling a different story. Do you ever see a pic of yourself on a night out and think you looked sad, mad, depressed, or anything like that?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> Lovelygirl, I have seen your pictures in the recent pic thread.
> 
> You are beautiful!!!!!!!
> 
> ...


Thank you! 

The thing is that I'm not even a silent person. 
I'm not shy, I'm not reserved, I'm sociable, easygoing, I like including myself in talks, discussions, I joke around...

In terms of communication, I like being frank with my friends about many things. I'm not afraid to speak my mind [especially in a solid friendship].

Also, I love dancing and singing. I have participated in a few singing competitions, I've been on the TV. 
As for dancing, when we go to the club, I've been told by my girlfriends that I dance very beautiful. 

So, I don't keep myself in the shadows. I'm just myself and I act as I feel comfortable. Whether I'm in the shadows or not nothing changes.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

greenpearl said:


> Tell you honestly, we won't be happy if we want too much of other people's attention.
> 
> People notice us when we don't want other people's attention. We are more confident and happier when we don't want other people's attention. That's how I feel.


It's true.
In the past, It didn't bother me that I got no attention. I was comfortable with that. Actually, attention was not part of my thoughts and I don't even know if I were noticed or not.

But as years went by, I found myself wondering if I'm attractive or not and if guys find me sexy. 
It's the reason I decided to let myself have this sexual relationship with the guy I mentioned in my first post. He was a close friend of 8 years. 

I wanted validation and I wanted to prove myself if I was attractive to any guy or not. 
Technically, I'm still a virgin as there was no penetration. I told him I didn't want that so we decided to have other ways of sexual stimulation. 

That "relationship" put my mind at ease for a while and It gave me a lot of confidence. 

But then I ended it as I wanted something more. I wanted a normal relationship which he wasn't ready to give me. Plus, he then expressed his interest for my cousin so I let him go.

It's been a long time since then and I can't stop but thinking that he noticed me (back then) because he had already been in my life for so long, we were both single ...so we happened to be available for each other at the time of speaking
This was when I was 22. 




> And there is also another way to make us more confident. Read more books. Reading can help us cultivate attracting personalities. I like to read books about human nature. And that has really helped me overcome my insecurities.


That's a good advice I'll take into consideration!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Ok so you are not pretty, you are GORGIOUS.


Thank you hun!


> When you say that your girls know only English but not fluent, do they also speak Albanian?


Yes, Albanian is our native language.



> Ok so they are all have degrees and so are not air heads I think.


Yes yes. They are not uneducated.

Your situation reminds me of one of my sisters (I have 4 sisters). She and I look alike except for our coloring. I’m blond and blue eyed. She has black hair and brown eyes. Few people realize how much we look alike because the coloring is to very different.


> The odd thing is that like your friends, the men always gravitate towards her. When we were younger my other sisters and I often lost our boyfriends to her. What she wanted was the attention and she was very very good at getting it. She really did not want the guys but I think that she liked ‘stealing’ them. I say ‘stealing’ because she would not go out with them. She just gave them enough hope to get them to not be interested in us anymore.


OMG, lol. Do you get along with her? 



> Once I realized what was going on I watched her closely. So what’s the difference? I’m outgoing but reserved and brainier. But she has charisma.
> 
> There are a lot of videos on youtube about how to get charisma. It’s a skill that can be learned.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcSDYe8zg8Y


To my surprise, I do exactly as she says in the video. It comes naturally to me. I've never had a problem being all she described in the video. 
I can tell you, my girlfriends don't have many of the things she talked about. Oftentimes, they're not good listeners, they don't look you in the eye when they talk to you, they don't always smile and give the sense of warmth to the person they're talking to...and so on.
I've noticed it even when they talk to me. In terms of communication, I can tell you that I'm better than them. I know it. I'm sure about it. I feel it. 
Sorry for the lack of modesty.

Last year I went to a psychologist and she told me that I have this way of communication that totally gets her and she found it weird that it was hard for me to attract guys.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Rant!
> 
> I'm full of insecurities!
> 
> ...


LG,

You've been around TAM for quite sometime and posted many of your pics in the old pic thread.
There isn't a man here who wouldn't agree that your'e a beautiful, desirable woman.

But you know , and I have told you this long before, that what impresses me most about you is your actual intelligence.
You can speak a few languages fluently, your English is excellent, you're culturally adept ,you traveled a bit and you can sing. [ Lol, I think I still have that youtube link you sent me over a year ago!]
Also I'm glad to hear that you completed your law degree:smthumbup:
So the gym instructor is right.

Your said the right type of guys aren't being attracted to you, and that makes you feel insecure., reality is , that would make any type of woman insecure, especially if she has standards for herself and the type of relationships she wants.
But you shouldn't settle for less.

Based on what you posted, I think you need to reevaluate some of your female friends especially if they are competing against you for potential mates. [ and probably also your cousin.]

In the mating game, human beings are very competitive.

You can also look at ways of upping your inner and outer game , to improve your chances. This might include a wardrobe change, a hairstyle change and so on. Nothing's wrong in coming out of your comfort zone ,instead of waiting for the guy at the gym to approach you, why not approach him?

But whatever you choose, just be true to yourself.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I don't have anything to add other than telling you that you're a sexy lady


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> This is how I squashed the insecure voice in my head for awhile. I stopped when I realized that I wasn't looking for someone who is always looking for the hottest chick, I was looking for someone who was looking for me.
> 
> You don't wan the guy who thinks you don't stand out...you want the one who does. It can take time and experimentation... but if you can realize you've already got a huge leg up on most people, he'll appear.


Yes. It's a mistake, I think, to play the dating game as a numbers game. Unless being the center of attention is exactly what you are looking for, all it does is ramp up the feelings of insecurity, because all there is is yet more guys that you are not really interested in.

And for some reason, the guys we don't want never really count when we're reflecting on how sexy or attractive we are.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> So, you are gorgeous and brilliant. You are on easy mode as far as getting male attention goes.


Thank you!



> Have you tried being a "hot chick" as a novelty?


I have thought about it and have applied it UP TO SOME point.


> I mean, fake eyelashes, makeup contouring, this dress,
> 5 inch heels and big hair (maybe with extensions and vibrantly colored?)


2 Yeras ago I learned a lot about make up and since then, the way I do make up has changed a lot and it's right where I want it to be.
I want to emphasize the fact that I want it to look good as well as natural. 
I have tried both light and heavy make up. I prefer the first or moderate one. Heavy make up is not for me.
I have also thought about fake eyelashes but it would make me go out of my way. I don't want guys to fall for something fake. As for extensions, I don't think I'll ever want to try them. Just not my type but I totally understand your point.




> It gets a lot of male attention. It can even change your attitude a for a bit.
> But if you aren't looking to form relationships with "guys looking for a hot chick," I think you will find the attention a novelty and thrilling for awhile, but ultimately a little empty.
> 
> This is how I squashed the insecure voice in my head for awhile. I stopped when I realized that I wasn't looking for someone who is always looking for the hottest chick, I was looking for someone who was looking for me.
> ...


Yes, in the past I have tried very high heels, very tight skirts/dresses ...but then again...this is not really me.

There was a time in my life when I used to wear extravagant clothes to be like my girls... but after a while I realized that wasn't me. I admit, I got *a lot *of attention at the time but was it really worth it to go out of my way to get a guys' attention this way??
This is not me. I want him to look at me* for who I am, just as I am...., the natural me *... I don't want someone to look at me for someone HE THINKS I am at the club.

If I have to do extra effort to get his attention then he's not really worth it. Plus, I'm more of a classy type of girl and guys who look for hot chicks are not the ones I'm looking for. 
Looking for a hot chick at the club doesn't sound like a promising and lasting relationship. It means to look for someone to get laid with and show off at your mates.
With this being said,* I don't want to judge* HOT CHICKS but I'm not that type ...and the guys who fall for these girls are simply not my type.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

MSP said:


> Hey, I asked you for your number. What more do you want from guys in life? This is the pinnacle!


:lol: 




> Look, how many guys do you need? How many will you go out with at once? Just one, I hope. In that case, all you need is one paying you attention--the right one.


I could have chosen to go out with all the guys (at the gym) that asked me out...but as I said...they are not what I'm looking for. Probably because I'm too picky and this is another factor.
The guy I'm interested in hasn't made any move yet. (Apart form little chats that we've had with each other..)
We look at each other back and forth, we smile, chat here and there ...but that's it.  
I want him to make the move that other guys made. 



> Your popular friends will most likely not be in a serious long-term relationship by the time you are. I've seen this happen again and again. The popular girls either get married and then divorced early or else they are still dating when the quiet girls are happily married and having kids.


They've been in several relationships in the past but nothing serious. Also, they've hardly been single [going from one relationship to another]..but it's been a few months that they're all single now. 
Meanwhile, I've been the only one constantly single. This has affected my confidence. It has made me feel like I'm not able to attract guys. Add here the pressure that I've had from them to find a boyfriend. 
I imagine how I'd tell the next guy I've never had a real relationship and/or a boyfriend. 
Will he think I'm weird? Will he think there could be something wrong? These questions always go on my mind. 

But it could be like you said. By the time I'm married they might be still looking for the one.


> Yeah, that's not gonna help. She's probably got her own insecurities. you should ask your mum how she felt about herself when she was your age. Her answers might be interesting and revealing.


Yes I'm sure she's had her own insecurities. 
I remember she once told me that when she was my age (or a bit younger) she and a close friend of hers were interested at the same guy. 
But then again, this friend told the guy "What do you like in her? She's got small boobs..!" 
From then on, small boobs are her own insecurity that she tries to project on me. I have small boobs too (A cup) but I'm bothered by this. They are NOT my insecurity. I don't really care if they are small or big. If a guy depends his attraction on their size then he's not really worth it. That's how I see it.



> If you're afraid of looking foolish in public, join a public speaking club. If you feel shy and are always wondering what people think of you, join a theatre group. Etc. Facing your fears means approaching them with a plan and not just timidly doing stuff you don't like. Throw yourself in the deep end. You'll swim soon enough and love it shortly after that.


I've sang in front of a big crowd. 
I'm not afraid of social gatherings and I've also taught some law classes. 
I'm not afraid to speak in public and I have no problem speaking my mind. 



> *Stop Fighting Insecurity*
> 
> You can't fight a negative emotion and win. You will only make it stronger. Just like the old example where someone is told to not think of pink elephants and that becomes all they can think of, you can't avoid a negative thought by trying not to think it. The way to relax is by relaxing. You have to let things go and be in the now and think of happy things. Mental tension has the same solution as physical tension. What do you do when you get a leg cramp? Do you tense up even more to fight against it? Of course not, because you know you'd just bring yourself more pain. You relax and massage it. Well, it's the same thing in your head. When you feel tense, don't fight it, let it go. And massage up something that feels good to think about.


Reading this made me think of my number one insecurity. 
I'm not as tall as my girlfriends. I think this is the source of my insecurities. 
I'm 5 ft 2. My girlfriends are 5 ft 6 and/or a bit taller.

How do I relax when my girlfriends are taller ? It's a constant reminder.

I wear high-heels but then again...they wear high-heels too so the difference doesn't change.
The only time when I look taller is when I wear high-heels and they don't (which happens rarely).


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I want him to make the move that other guys made.


Ya know, I'm not sure what would be more frustrating... waiting for the guy you want to make a move he may never make, or my making a move on a girl I want that doesn't want me. At least with my side, I know pretty quickly, and its over with and I move on.

Why not ask the guy out for coffee? Or, you know him at the gym right? Smoothie date.  "It's hot, I need a smoothie, wanna go?" Better yet, don't give him a choice. Just interrupt your next conversation and say "I want a smoothie. Lets go get smoothies." Maybe he's clueless and this would open the door for him.



lovelygirl said:


> Meanwhile, I've been the only one constantly single. This has affected my confidence. It has made me feel like I'm not able to attract guys. Add here the pressure that I've had from them to find a boyfriend.
> I imagine how I'd tell the next guy I've never had a real relationship and/or a boyfriend.
> Will he think I'm weird? Will he think there could be something wrong? These questions always go on my mind.


Nah, you're attractive, intelligent and engaging. He'll think "jack pot".



lovelygirl said:


> Reading this made me think of my number one insecurity.
> I'm not as tall as my girlfriends. I think this is the source of my insecurities.
> I'm 5 ft 2. My girlfriends are 5 ft 6 and/or a bit taller.
> 
> How do I relax when my girlfriends are taller ? It's a constant reminder.


This would make you more attractive to me. There's something to be said about a woman small enough that she just disappears into my arms. Some women get a "delicate and safe" thing from it - well, some men get a "big manly protector" thing out of it too.

TBH, if you're 26 and have had no significant relationship, do you think perhaps your standards might be too high? How do you determine when a guy who approaches you isn't "it"? Have you passed on guys you thought were decent? Perhaps take a date with the best of them? You never know.

Also, I don't know about your culture, but might men over there intimidated by your being a lawyer? That would be a huge plus in my book.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

When you say "my girls" do you mean your daughters or your friends? 

There is an old belief that women choose to hang out with other less attractive women to cut down on the competition. I've never done it. But I have thought it was useful to hang out with other women who had completely different looks. That is, if a guy were interested in my friend, he would not be in me and vice versa.

Lovely Girl, your picture tells me that you are very attractive. Attractive enough to motivate at least a handful of guys to make the effort to cross the room to meet you.

If that is not happening, then you are behaving, gesturing, giving out vibes that are unattractive. But kind of like what a dog whistle is to humans, perhaps other women can't see this either.

I'm trying to think about situations in which the attractive woman got left behind -- we always here about the plain, sometimes fat woman who has so much charm guile game that she has every man "eating out of her hand."

Do you come across as an "independent, I can do it myself" type of woman. Do you try like Sinead O'Connor to make yourself look unattractive as a further challenge to men?

Otherwise, I can't think of anything at the moment. The only other possibility is to change your environment and go where what you have looks / personality / career goals, where those things are valued.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

FaithfulWife said:


> How was your childhood? Did you feel you weren't seen? Or did you not want to be noticed?


In my childhood I was always the center of attention, everywhere...everytime and I loved it.
I was this cute little blonde kid that people loved being around. Unlike other children, I was very playful, talkative, careless. I loved dancing and everyone was amazed by my skills on the dance floor. Everyone would comment on my looks, eyes and hair. 



> Or perhaps is there a cultural thing, such as, the way men and women check each other out where you grew up and were impressionable, was it a lot different than where you live now?


No. I was born and still live in the same city. (The capital of my country).
The standard approach is that women wait for men to make the first step. Although there are chances when women make the first move. Just like everywhere in the world I think.



> Or maybe you simply appear reticent and unsure...even if you act confident your face may be telling a different story. *Do you ever see a pic of yourself on a night out and think you looked sad, mad, depressed, or anything like that?*


I don't think so. 

For example, this is the latest picture from last week's night out with a few of my girlfriends. Does it give you an impression of a sad/depressed girl? I'm like this in most of my pictures. (From left to right I'm the 2nd.)

http://oi60.tinypic.com/aw4wfq.jpg


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Thank you!
> 
> The thing is that I'm not even a silent person.
> I'm not shy, I'm not reserved, I'm sociable, easygoing, I like including myself in talks, discussions, I joke around...
> ...




Extraverted!! 

After reading this post, I notice that you find much confidence in yourself and know the kind of person that you are. You also know your own strengths through your personality and that's great!!! 

Keep on thinking about these things that you enjoy that help make you, you. 

:smthumbup:


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Suggestion. Fuller eyebrows.

Apart from that, why aren't you interested in men who are interested in you? 

And what is so darned special about those you want but can't have apart from their unavailability? Are you actually afraid of intimacy or have you discounted the value of anyone who is interested in you? 

Another suggestion: older, mature men. You are going to intimidate a lot of men your age regardless of their own success. Men are really fragile. It is ridiculous but it is the reality.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You don't fight insecurities, you ignore them.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

I looked at both pics, and your just as pretty as the others in your photo, I wouldnt change anything. Be who you are and be proud of it, the right one will come along. Try being someone your not and you could end up with the wrong person.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I've seen your pics before and frankly you're gorgeous. Successful, educated and gorgeous is a very good combination. That said if I were single I doubt I'd chase you and I can't think of any of my friends who would either. You've turned down multiple guys at the gym. You're a 26 year old virgin. Even on the board you can give off an "untouchable" vibe. I imagine in person you would seems like a tremendous amount of work with almost no chance of success.

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. I assume you're looking for a truthful perspective. If you'd like, I'll remove this post.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Another suggestion: *older, mature men.* You are going to intimidate a lot of men your age regardless of their own success. Men are really fragile. It is ridiculous but it is the reality.


:iagree:

You are looking for your equal, OP. That will make for a successful union. And you are smart to wait for him.

And if through bad luck you find yourself with a fragile one, as clipclop says, Run Away! That is the last thing a woman needs in her life! And there are indeed some that are not fragile!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Although I've never been anywhere as pretty as you are, I have been in the same situation and here is how I coped. You don't change you. At all. You only change the way you expect to meet men. 

The girls you are with who get all of the attention - they are dressing more provocatively and behaving flirtier, are they not? You DO NOT WANT the men who find that attractive. The quality guys will look, may even think they can get laid. But that's it.

You need to give up on finding a quality guy when you are out with these girls because you really are not competing for the same guys. 

To meet someone who is attracted to intelligence and your cultural diversity and interesting personality, you need to go where those people are. How about a minority-run business group? You can always saw you are considering hanging out your own shingle even if you really are just there to meet men who are ambitious and not necessarily from here.

You could get a part time job with a travel service. Sometimes they have experts on various areas of the world to speak to tourists about various cultures. 

Visit museums alone. Especially those of a cultural interest to you. Go alone. Dress very nice and wear heels. Loiter. Start up conversations with people - all people - and ask what they think about the art. Remember, it's not just the men you approach - the couples, the women - they all have friends and some of those friends are single men.  Network.

Attend lectures on topics that interest you. 

Go do physical activities where interesting men go. Your local rock climbing center or kayaking center. These guys don't want women who can't get their hair wet or break a nail. They want smart, funny, capable women.

Attend interesting cultural festivals - everything from Indian Foods to Irish Folk Dancing. 

If people, the way they live, the way they were raised, their family traditions and beliefs are interesting to you - seek those out in every form. You will find a man with a sense of adventure, an appreciation for diversity, a love for knowledge and who are looking for a woman like you.

I realize I've put a lot of emphasis on culture but with your background, it seems a good fit. You are very smart, you are probably very interesting to talk to, you are likely willing to try new foods or travel to new places. So the person who will appreciate ALL of you, not just how lovely you are on the outside, or who only wants a night with your vagina, will be someone with a lot of depth.

The men approaching your friends either are the type who will never appreciate that or they aren't ready for that kind of relationship.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> LG,
> 
> You've been around TAM for quite sometime and posted many of your pics in the old pic thread.
> There isn't a man here who wouldn't agree that your'e a beautiful, desirable woman.


Thank you! 




> But you know , and I have told you this long before, that what impresses me most about you is your actual intelligence.
> You can speak a few languages fluently, your English is excellent, you're culturally adept ,you traveled a bit and you can sing. [ Lol, I think I still have that youtube link you sent me over a year ago!]
> Also I'm glad to hear that you completed your law degree:smthumbup:


Thank you but since when has this ever mattered to guys around me? 


> So the gym instructor is right.


The gym instructor is right but this changes nothing. 


> Your said the right type of guys aren't being attracted to you, and that makes you feel insecure., reality is , that would make any type of woman insecure, especially if she has standards for herself and the type of relationships she wants.
> But you shouldn't settle for less.


That's right.



> Based on what you posted, I think you need to reevaluate some of your female friends especially if they are competing against you for potential mates. [ and probably also your cousin.]
> 
> In the mating game, human beings are very competitive.


I have thought about that too. I've thought about getting away from them for a while ...but then again I don't think they're to blame or it's not that they're taking the guys away from me. I don't think they do it on purpose.



> You can also look at ways of upping your inner and outer game , to improve your chances. This might include a wardrobe change, a hairstyle change and so on.


As far as wardrobe goes, my girlfriends tell me I dress very well and look good. I know what looks good and me and what not.
I've also changed my hairstyle. Recently, I started letting me hair down and I realized I get looked at way more. Although mom says "You get looked at way more because you become more common, avarage-type of girl. If you pull your hair up you look more special, more classy...hence less attention. Guys don't understand classy girls...at least not guys around you." 

That's what she says...



> Nothing's wrong in coming out of your comfort zone ,instead of waiting for the guy at the gym to approach you, why not approach him?


I have given him hints. I go near where he works out, I smile at him, I give him looks. 
He has approached a few times, we have chatted. We know each other's name, age, profession. 
Last night I approached him and talked to him first asking him how he was doing. Then we started chatting up.

So what more does he want me to do?
If that means to ask him out.. NO!!! I'm not gonna do that!! 
I want to feel appreciated. I've gone out of my comfort zone a lot for him. 
If he doesn't ask me out then I won't do it for him. After all, I want alpha guys. If he's not that way then he's not for me!

Plain and simple!!! 
Why doesn't he walk up to me like other guys do? 
Why am I not approached by my favorite guys?? After all that's what happens to most girls and that's what we all want!
I get mad when I think about this!



> But whatever you choose, just be true to yourself.


:iagree:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> I have given him hints. I go near where he works out, I smile at him, I give him looks.
> He has approached a few times, we have chatted. We know each other's name, age, profession.
> Last night I approached him and talked to him first asking him how he was doing. Then we started chatting up.
> 
> ...


You have done everything you can. How about just letting whatever happens, happen?

He may be interested and just mulling it over. He may be gay and never going to be interested in you or any other woman. He may have all kinds of issues you cannot even imagine.

I would encourage you to be patient and let the right guy come along. Have a little faith in life. 

So often the best things happen when we are not looking for them. I actually think they won't happen until we stop looking for them.

Relax and enjoy life.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Why am I not approached by my favorite guys?? After all that's what happens to most girls and that's what we all want!
> I get mad when I think about this!
> 
> 
> :iagree:


I'm not sure your experience of finding it challenging to get who you want is necessarily that different from most. I suspect most women are most often approached by men they're not interested in, just as I know that most men's advances are rejected. Whether that attraction problem can be addressed is subject to a lot of debate on here. Once upon a time I asked myself a similar question: "why don't the girls I want show me interest?"

I suspect the fact of the matter is that most of us want a "catch"... in the superficial dating world where you don't really know much about anyone yet (personality, compatibility, likes, dislikes, education etc etc), a catch for us is necessarily someone a bit more attractive than ourselves. You're clearly an ambitious, driven woman... and I bet, like me, not so content with settling for "good enough". You want your good catch, maybe. But meanwhile, those people we seek are doing the same thing and might not notice or be interested in us.

So a ton of people end up frustrated and pondering "why do the ones I want not want me!?" Are these men actually good matches or are you only after men who realistically have their pick of women? You speak of depth, and not being interested in the guy who wants the "hottest woman", but is that not what you're doing in your choice of men (as a gym crush implies)? Of the best of men you've turned down, what were the reasons? 

If its only the superficial qualities in others being evaluated, and only our own superficial qualities are employed to seduce, then its little wonder we are left frustrated when we seek more attractive partners than readily come to us. When I'm interested in a woman who, by all accounts is more attractive than I am, its my personality and charisma that have to make up the difference... and no matter how much it may frustrate me, that gap is sometimes unbridgeable. Other times, I may simply have been outside that specific woman's preferences.

Something as pervasive as you describe however, I'm not inclined to chalk up to individual preferences. It stands to reason that some decent guy, as attractive as you, if not as successful, has to have come on to you by the time you're 26.

Is it possible your standards vs attainability aren't well aligned? Or that you're reliance on him to seek you, *if* you are selecting upward, might not be the best strategy? Mind you, I'm grasping at straws since I don't know anyone in this situation... never mind someone as attractive as you are, who ought to easily have the attention of a fair number of men of equivalent attractiveness.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I don't have anything to add other than telling you that you're a sexy lady


Thanx! 



DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Ya know, I'm not sure what would be more frustrating... waiting for the guy you want to make a move he may never make, or my making a move on a girl I want that doesn't want me. At least with my side, I know pretty quickly, and its over with and I move on.


To me, it's a turn off when the guy doesn't make the move. 
I like a confident guy. If he's shy then it puts me off. I wish more guys were like you. Believe me, it's tiring to wait for a guy to make a move. While waiting, another guy who takes the lead becomes more attractive than the guy you actually find attractive. It's very important to make the girl FEEL important. By making the move, that's what you're showing her. 
Sometimes, even when she thinks you're not attractive at first...., later on she starts to like you because of your attitude and confidence. It doesn't matter if you get rejected...at least you've got balls! 



> Why not ask the guy out for coffee? Or, you know him at the gym right? Smoothie date.  "It's hot, I need a smoothie, wanna go?" Better yet, don't give him a choice. Just interrupt your next conversation and say "I want a smoothie. Lets go get smoothies." Maybe he's clueless and this would open the door for him.


As I told CM, that's not something I'll do. A guy should deserve me going out of my way. This guys doesn't deserve it yet! 
I've made my moves, now it's his turn. If I have to make all the moves it'll make me feel like I'm the man and he's the girl.
There's nothing less attractive than this!! Believe me!! 


> Nah, you're attractive, intelligent and engaging. He'll think "jack pot".


I hope so.




> This would make you more attractive to me. There's something to be said about a woman small enough that she just disappears into my arms. Some women get a "delicate and safe" thing from it - well, some men get a "big manly protector" thing out of it too.



That's a pretty good point of view and I like to think it that way. You gave me a new perspective. I like to feel protected and I like to make my man feel like he's the big protector!!! 


> TBH, if you're 26 and have had no significant relationship, do you think perhaps your standards might be too high? How do you determine when a guy who approaches you isn't "it"?


As I previously said, I might be too picky. 
The guys that weren't "it" didn't have attitude, personality and/or looks. Looks is NOT everything but it's a starter. 
That being said, the guy might not have the looks but might have attitude and confidence. That would be a good thing too.

I have yet to meet a guy who's got AT LEAST personality and/or self-respect...BUT NOT arrogance!!
There's a fine line between self-respect and arrogance. Some of the guys that have walked up to me thought I'd fall for them immediately. They came off as assertive and wanted to take me for granted...just because they were handsome. 
That turned me off! 

Others were just not as good looking as I hoped they were.
Others were a bit shorter....
Others were pushy and wanted to get intimate within a short period of time...and so on...




> Have you passed on guys you thought were decent? Perhaps take a date with the best of them? You never know.


Yes!
The guys I've been interested in the past were either already in a relationship or were very self-centered that they didn't notice me at all. Don't tell me I fall for the wrong guys because that not ALWAYS true..

Others would simply fall for my friends. 

Others...would simply not have the same feelings for me ..for unknown reasons.

See how unlucky I am? 



> Also, I don't know about your culture, but might men over there intimidated by your being a lawyer? That would be a huge plus in my book.


No. They wouldn't be intimidated. 
One of my girlfriends is a lawyer and I can hardly count the number of boyfriends she's had. Although I must admit, some of the guys that I've met were like "wow!!". 
I remember, one guy at the gym told me recently that [according to him] I was the sexiest lawyer that he had ever met. 
:lol:
p.s. *He's already engaged* and he's one of the 4 guys that *asked me out on a date*!
Poor his SO!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> When you say "my girls" do you mean your daughters or your friends?


Friends. I haven't given birth yet. lol. 




> There is an old belief that women choose to hang out with other less attractive women to cut down on the competition. I've never done it. But I have thought it was useful to hang out with other women who had completely different looks. That is, if a guy were interested in my friend, he would not be in me and vice versa.


I have thought of cutting down my attractive friends..but If I have to get rid of friends in order to keep my man...then this man is not really worth it!




> Lovely Girl, your picture tells me that you are very attractive. Attractive enough to motivate at least a handful of guys to make the effort to cross the room to meet you.


Thanx! 



> If that is not happening, then you are behaving, gesturing, giving out vibes that are unattractive. But kind of like what a dog whistle is to humans, perhaps other women can't see this either.


I don't know. I don't think I'm doing anything abnormal.





> Do you come across as an "independent, I can do it myself" type of woman. Do you try like Sinead O'Connor to make yourself look unattractive as a further challenge to men?


No. Not anything like that. As far as I can tell. 



> Otherwise, I can't think of anything at the moment. The only other possibility is to change your environment and go where what you have looks / personality / career goals, where those things are valued.


It probably means to change the country I live in then!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Suggestion. Fuller eyebrows.


Thank you for your suggestion! 



> Apart from that, why aren't you interested in men who are interested in you?


See Dvl's quoted post above. 



> And what is so darned special about those you want but can't have apart from their unavailability? Are you actually afraid of intimacy or have you discounted the value of anyone who is interested in you?


I don't think I'm looking or anything special. I want someone to make me feel like I matter and that I'm their world just like they are my world. I want someone with whom I can share mutual interests. 

No, I like intimacy. I crave intimacy. But I could have discounted the value of those who were/are interested in me.



> Another suggestion: older, mature men. You are going to intimidate a lot of men your age regardless of their own success. Men are really fragile. It is ridiculous but it is the reality.


I always go for older/mature men. The ideal age difference is 5 -6 years older.
To be honest, I've never really been into men of my age as they sound very immature. I've always looked at older men...who are unfortunately already in relationships/engaged/married. 
That being said, if a guy of my age is mature enough to make me become attracted to him..I would be with him!

So your suggestion matches my preferences lol.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> To me, it's a turn off when the guy doesn't make the move.
> I like a confident guy. If he's shy then it puts me off. I wish more guys were like you. Believe me, it's tiring to wait for a guy to make a move. While waiting, another guy who takes the lead becomes more attractive than the guy you actually find attractive. It's very important to make the girl FEEL important. By making the move, that's what you're showing her.


I feel like this as well. 

Have you read the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”? It has at least one chapter if not more on this topic.

One of the things in the book that I think might help you is that is talks about the little cue’s that a woman gives a man that lets him know that she’s interested. It’s not about words, it’s a glance that lets him know. You might want to learn how to do this.

It talks about why a women is wiser to let the man make the first approach. 




lovelygirl said:


> As I told CM, that's not something I'll do. A guy should deserve me going out of my way. This guys doesn't deserve it yet!
> 
> I've made my moves, now it's his turn. If I have to make all the moves it'll make me feel like I'm the man and he's the girl.
> 
> There's nothing less attractive than this!! Believe me!!


:iagree:


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Thank you for your honesty, WOM!! This is what I need to hear!



WorkingOnMe said:


> I've seen your pics before and frankly you're gorgeous. Successful, educated and gorgeous is a very good combination. That said if I were single I doubt I'd chase you and I can't think of any of my friends who would either.


Judgmental.



> You've turned down multiple guys at the gym.


How would you know unless I told you explicitly?



> You're a 26 year old virgin.


How would you know unless I told you explicitly? 



You didn't know these facts until you read my post. 
That said, supposing you walked up to me you'd be unaware of these. So you're making assumptions based on what you read here. Nobody in my real life knows of guys at the gym or the fact that I'm a virgin.
Well, except for 2 of my girlfriends.., others think I'm not lol. 
Not that I've lied to them..but I haven't told them anything explicitly. Not their business, anyway.



> Even on the board you can give off an "untouchable" vibe


.
Why? How? Where? 



> I imagine in person you would seems like a tremendous amount of work with almost no chance of success.


Just because I'm educated and good-looking as you say?
What's wrong with that? I've got feelings too.
Add here the fact that I'm easily amused. Believe me, it doesn't take a lot of effort to make me smile and/or laugh.




> I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. I assume you're looking for a truthful perspective. If you'd like, I'll remove this post.


I'm not hurt. It helps me understand how guys think.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

All my life I was waiting for the perfect man.

When I finally found him, he was looking for the perfect woman.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Happyfamily said:


> All my life I was waiting for the perfect man.
> 
> When I finally found him, he was looking for the perfect woman.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Although I've never been anywhere as pretty as you are, I have been in the same situation and here is how I coped. *You don't change you. At all. You only change the way you expect to meet men. *


Very well said! 



> The girls you are with who get all of the attention -* they are dressing more provocatively and behaving flirtier*, are they not? You DO NOT WANT the men who find that attractive.


I'm flirty too..but in a different way. 

But yeah, sometimes they dress a bit more provocatively. 



> You need to give up on finding a quality guy when you are out with these girls because you really are not competing for the same guys.


True!
Actually, what was I thinking??
Why would I expect to find a quality guys in the club??
It's so rare that I should not even have such expectations. 



> *To meet someone who is attracted to intelligence and your cultural diversity and interesting personality, you need to go where those people are.* How about a minority-run business group? You can always saw you are considering hanging out your own shingle even if you really are just there to meet men who are ambitious and not necessarily from here.


You know what I've thought recently??
See, I've had many people tell me that I don't look like a typical Albanian girl and that's why Albanian guys don't look at me. I've always been told I look like a foreigner [somewhere from Germany, Sweden, Netherlands...or whatever]. 
My friends though, look a lot more like the typical Albanian girls so that's why it's easier for Albanian guys to go for these girls than for me.
I noticed that even when I get interested in a guy, he doesn't look anything like Albanian. He looks like a foreigner. 
Even the guy at my gym...he doesn't look anything like most of the Albanian guys. When I first saw him, I thought he was a foreigner. Guess what!! I found out he's been living in Russia for many years. I knew he had this foreign-vibe. 
Funny thing is that he told me the same. He said "At first, I didn't think you were Albanian..." haha ...

Looks-wise, I know what type of guys I like. And those that I like are not really compatible with what my girlfriends like. [Thank God]. 

Personality-wise ...it's the same thing. I like traveling, trying new food, knowing about other cultures....but my girlfriends don't have the same interests.
The type of guys they like are typically those who like to be in the club 24/7 and who are looking for the next hot chick. These type of guys are typical Albanian. :scratchhead:

Sometimes, when these guys hit on my friends, I ask myself "Is it worthy to be hit by these guys...? Would it be flattering??"
Many times the answer would be 'NO'. 
This test puts my mind at ease. 




> You could get a part time job with a travel service. Sometimes they have experts on various areas of the world to speak to tourists about various cultures.


Good idea.



> Visit museums alone. Especially those of a cultural interest to you. Go alone. Dress very nice and wear heels. Loiter. Start up conversations with people - all people - and ask what they think about the art. Remember, it's not just the men you approach - the couples, the women - they all have friends and some of those friends are single men.  Network.


True. I have to make changes to the network of my friends.



> Attend lectures on topics that interest you.


I do. I often take classes or training courses bout topics that interest me. 
It adds diversity to my life! 



> Go do physical activities where interesting men go. Your local rock climbing center or kayaking center. These guys don't want women who can't get their hair wet or break a nail. They want smart, funny, capable women.


True. 
One of the things I practice [that my friends don't] is that during weekends I go running alone. That way, I keep my body in shape ...as well as get the chance to see good-looking guys running around that area of my town. 
None of my girls goes alone for a walk or runs alone. They don't even go running at all...whether with friends or not.
They find it weird that I run alone...but I see nothing wrong with that. It's the bet thing I do for my self and inner pleasure! 

There were many times I traveled alone. Again, this is something that goes beyond their perception.

See, while typing this post....I'm realizing how different we are in some essential things. 
It's what CM said, I should re-evaluate my friendships!




> If people, the way they live, the way they were raised, their family traditions and beliefs are interesting to you - seek those out in every form. You will find a man with a sense of adventure, an appreciation for diversity, a love for knowledge and who are looking for a woman like you.


That's what I want! A man with a sense of appreciation for diversity! 



> I realize I've put a lot of emphasis on culture but with your background, it seems a good fit. You are very smart, you are probably very interesting to talk to, you are likely willing to try new foods or travel to new places. So the person who will appreciate ALL of you, not just how lovely you are on the outside, or who only wants a night with your vagina, will be someone with a lot of depth.






> The men approaching your friends either are the type who will never appreciate that or they aren't ready for that kind of relationship.


True!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Happyfamily said:


> All my life I was waiting for the perfect man.
> 
> When I finally found him, he was looking for the perfect woman.


This is right. Lovelygirl is looking for the one man out of 7 billion. She does not need to lower her standards because he's out there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LovelyGirl,

I don't think that you are wanting men to chase you. What you want is simply for the man to make the first move. That is not the same as wanting a man to chase you.

You are who you are. 

You are a gorgeous, well educated woman with a career. So you need a man who is not intimidated by this. 

If you are 26 year old virgin then you need a man who is sensitive to this can will be loving to you.

If you were not a virgin then the topic would be that men don't like women who have slept with other men.

You are who you are. So you need to be looking for a man who accepts you for who you are.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Lordhavok said:


> I looked at both pics, and your just as pretty as the others in your photo, I wouldnt change anything. Be who you are and be proud of it, the right one will come along. Try being someone your not and you could end up with the wrong person.


Hello Lordhavok, I wanted to follow on from your comment.

There's something to be said for having presence. 

My guess is that presence aka 'vibe' begins with being comfortable within yourself; living with congruency. Thoughts lead to feelings lead to actions. What is being projected through your actions that stems from your insecure thoughts? If you are comparing yourself to your friends (you mentioned their height in comparison to yours, for example), then insecurity will seep out. 

You are an accomplished woman in your own right. Do you recognize your own self-worth and what you're able to give to others? I can validate that you are beautiful but do you know that you are? ...and not just because of the physical? You knowing it is what is important. 

Beyond that, if you're looking to meet someone, all I could suggest from the comfort of my living room, is to expand your social circle, and perhaps be open to saying 'yes'.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I agree with letting the man pursue you, lovelygirl. It does show a lot about a man, imo.

You really don't have to do anything. You certainly don't have to prove anything. Just be yourself and live your life and be true to your values. The right man will come along. You are not stuck inside a farmhouse in a village all day. You are out and about and working and likely in a city, getting exposed to all kinds of people. 

He will come. Trust.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> Mom always talks about how she dresses so well, how she's got a great body, how she's got bigger boobs.
> Seriously, if mom didn't talk about her THAT much I wouldn't be jealous of her. I'm glad that she dresses well but why does mom have to talk about her all the time???


Have you asked your mom this? 

Have you felt the praise of your mom growing up?

While it's up to you as to whether these comments affect you negatively or not, I can't help but wonder if this plays a part. Do you crave the attention/validation of your mother and find it isn't offered the way you need?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I'm not sure your experience of finding it challenging to get who you want is necessarily that different from most. I suspect most women are most often approached by men they're not interested in, just as I know that most men's advances are rejected. Whether that attraction problem can be addressed is subject to a lot of debate on here. Once upon a time I asked myself a similar question: "why don't the girls I want show me interest?"


It's the same question I ask myself. Why don't men I want show interest in me? 
Now, there are two types of men:

The ones who I like just for attention - whom are found in the club, in bars, streets, beach...everywhere I go with friends.

The other ones are those who I really want them for more than attention. I want them for possible partners. 

None of them shows me attention. 
As a matter of fact, I'm more concerned about the second group: The ones I want to be my partner. 



> I suspect the fact of the matter is that most of us want a "catch"... in the superficial dating world where you don't really know much about anyone yet (personality, compatibility, likes, dislikes, education etc etc), a catch for us is necessarily someone a bit more attractive than ourselves. You're clearly an ambitious, driven woman... and I bet, like me, not so content with settling for "good enough". You want your good catch, maybe. But meanwhile, those people we seek are doing the same thing and might not notice or be interested in us.


Yeah. You guys want to boost your ego by having the "catch". 
I want more than that, I want my quality man... not just any man. Although, getting attention (not just from a quality man) is an ego boost for me as well.




> Are these men actually good matches or are you only after men who realistically have their pick of women? You speak of depth, and not being interested in the guy who wants the "hottest woman", but is that not what you're doing in your choice of men (as a gym crush implies)? Of the best of men you've turned down, what were the reasons?


Well...the only quality man that approached me and I turned down was the guy whom I talked about earlier. (that I got intimate with)

He's a good, educated guy. He studied for architecture. He's my age. He's handsome and has a great - athletic body.
I've known him for more than 8 years already, also...our families have known each other for over 20 years. 

But as you already know, he wanted just sex out of that relationship. He had just gotten out of a sexless relationship so he made it clear that we could be FWB. 
I gave it a try and thought "Why not...probably I'll make him fall in love withe me if I give hit great sex.." 
But I got bored pretty easily so I left him. 

This wasn't the first time he had approached me. A few years back he had told me that he was interested in me and wanted a relationship with me. Back then, I turned him down because I didn't take him seriously. I know all his love stories (he has shared with me a great part of his private life) and I thought he'd be with me just like he as with those girls in the past. 
This was years BEFORE we got intimate. Probably at the time of speaking he was genuine. 

The second time we got closer I knew what I was going for. It was some sort of FWB ..but I realized it wasn't enough for me. 



> If its only the superficial qualities in others being evaluated, and only our own superficial qualities are employed to seduce, then its little wonder we are left frustrated when we seek more attractive partners than readily come to us. When I'm interested in a woman who, by all accounts is more attractive than I am, its my personality and charisma that have to make up the difference... and no matter how much it may frustrate me, that gap is sometimes unbridgeable. Other times, I may simply have been outside that specific woman's preferences.


I can tell the guys' personality by his looks. So, it's not just looks that matters ...but in the looks of everyone of us you can find the reflected personality. 
Obviously the guy should be good-looking [by my standards] but he should also reflect a certain personality that matches to mine.


> Something as pervasive as you describe however, I'm not inclined to chalk up to individual preferences. It stands to reason that some decent guy, as attractive as you, if not as successful, has to have come on to you by the time you're 26.


I don't see a reason why a guy should not approach me.
I'm not even a shy, reserved person. I'm very sociable.



> Is it possible your standards vs attainability aren't well aligned? Or that you're reliance on him to seek you, *if* you are selecting upward, might not be the best strategy? Mind you, I'm grasping at straws since I don't know anyone in this situation... never mind someone as attractive as you are, who ought to easily have the attention of a fair number of men of equivalent attractiveness.


I'm not sure if I understand your question correctly...


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I feel like this as well.
> 
> Have you read the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”? It has at least one chapter if not more on this topic.
> 
> ...


No I haven't, but thanks for the suggestion! 
I will buy it!


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

lovelygirl said:


> Mom always talks about how she dresses so well, how she's got a great body, how she's got bigger boobs.


You sound just like your mom. 




> why does mom have to talk about her all the time???


To make you insecure.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Happyfamily said:


> You sound just like your mom.
> 
> To make you insecure.


Why would she want to make me insecure???

It doesn't make sense.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> Why would she want to make me insecure???
> 
> It doesn't make sense.


My mother did this to me all the time. She did not do it to my mother sisters, just to me. She would say things that made were intended to make me feel insecure. It got so obvious that my sisters even noticed it and would tell me to not pay attention to her comments.

Why did my mom do it? To make herself feel better. Sometimes women get jealous of their daughters. By the time a daughter is old enough to be a young woman, the mother is getting older and starting to show it. There is a possibility that she has some jealousy that you are now the young and beautiful one and she will never be this again.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> Why would she want to make me insecure???
> 
> It doesn't make sense.


My mother is the same way. I finally realised she was trying to choose my friends in high school and into adulthood. She would say negative things about the people I got along with and then hassle me to befriend other people. 

One classmate from high school became a cause celebre for my parents. Every time they saw (once or twice a year), my mother would find some way to wedge her name into a conversation..... as if I would know anything about her. This is one of those occasions where I feel that therapists have failed me. they tell me to be direct and honest that I do not want to talk about this woman. that only makes my mother want to talk about her more. When I tell the therapist that yes, I have been direct and honest about not wanting to talk about this woman, the therapist will then only stare at me and move on to another subject.

My constantly puts doubt in my mind about how well I _really_ get along with other people, whether friends, in laws, people at work. She tells me that I do not dress well enough and assumes that I probably got bad service as a result. ie, she once gave me enough airmiles to fly first class. When she saw that I wore jeans on the flight, she immediately said, I bet you got bad service.

Lovel girl, think long and hard about your mother's behavior towards. I finally stopped giving my mother material to play with. I don't talk about my friends or my fiance's family to her; I don't ask her opinion about anything or anyone and I avoid befriending anyone that she introduces me to....... 

because that means she has access to them and she will be asking them about me. And some people get into this...... the last woman I was friendly with that she introduced me to would tell her about every conversation, every voicemail and every e-mail that this woman would initiate to me. My mother's hit rate was so 100%, these were not lucky guesses. I don't know what my mother or this woman (who is a couple of years younger than I am) were getting out of this collusion but I know now
1) stop being surprised about the weirdest places people find value and 2) stop giving people material to work with.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> My mother did this to me all the time. She did not do it to my mother sisters, just to me. She would say things that made were intended to make me feel insecure. It got so obvious that my sisters even noticed it and would tell me to not pay attention to her comments.
> 
> Why did my mom do it? To make herself feel better. Sometimes women get jealous of their daughters. By the time a daughter is old enough to be a young woman, the mother is getting older and starting to show it. There is a possibility that she has some jealousy that you are now the young and beautiful one and she will never be this again.


Interestingly enough, my mother did the same thing to me.

But in hindsight , it was for a much different reason.

Had to do with the fact that I was the splitting image of my dad and from a very young age , females started noticing me.[ I was actually big for my age]
She and my dad had a bitter divorce over his womanizing ways.

Sorry for the threadjack LG!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> Interestingly enough, my mother did the same thing to me.
> 
> But in hindsight , it was for a much different reason.
> 
> ...


Yes, that can happen as well.

Sometimes father will do this with daughters that remind them too much of the mother when the relationship went south.

I've seen fathers and sons have a lot of problems with the boys reach their teen years. 

Family dynamics can be very complicated.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> Why would she want to make me insecure???
> 
> It doesn't make sense.


Because plenty of women do that to their daughters.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It sucks because it sounds like you want to be swept off your feet like the rest of them, but are only attracting the type of men who seem to appreciate everything about you, yet do nothing for YOU.

Trust us, it is NOT your physical appearance that is the problem...you score very high on the good looks meter. You probably aren't dumb enough for these lunkheads...and sorry, you just can't disguise intellect...and these guys want a bimbo of which they can take advantage.

I'd hate to recommend that you have to change or ridiculously have to "sex it up" to attract the type of men that are overlooking you. You sell yourself short that way. I know that THE guy does exist, but perhaps you are going to the wrong places. Think bigger and expect better.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Being the opposite is a curse. My older daughter is 22 and has stunning good looks, has had them for ever. Genetic engineering I suppose, Central Asian mom and pale European dad. Being so popular it got into her head a bit but settled down when very few suitors met my approval  and without my approval it ain't happenin'...

One of her college rec letters from her AP English teacher even wrote that "she walks into a room and commands attention"... No kidding. 

So where is Miss Attention today? A successful junior in college in a major that does not lend itself to looking good due to long hours in the studio. Looking good is kind of difficult when you're covered in sawdust.

She's a bit insecure type but a great problem solver. She does not care what people think. Her work or school is all that matters. 

Can you find areas that you're GOOD at and focus there instead of thinking about the sky falling?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

john117 said:


> Being the opposite is a curse. My older daughter is 22 and has stunning good looks, has had them for ever. Genetic engineering I suppose, Central Asian mom and pale European dad. Being so popular it got into her head a bit but settled down when very few suitors met my approval  and without my approval it ain't happenin'...
> 
> One of her college rec letters from her AP English teacher even wrote that "she walks into a room and commands attention"... No kidding.
> 
> ...


Your daughter sounds like she has her priorities in the right place. Anything looks good on a good looking woman.. even sawdust.

My son, the physics/math guy, laments that there are not enough women to pick from in the sciences. He wants to find a good looking woman who has way above average intelligence and is well educated. There are good men who are looking for women like the OP and your daughter. Men who will treat them well.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Tell your son to hang around the design / architecture / fine arts building :rofl:

I would be amiss if I did not mention my younger girl. She does not command the attention her sister does (when sis is fully made up and dressed up - she's a wizard on makeup). 

My younger is a natural beauty. Unlike her sister's exotic Eurasian looks she's 100% European look, curly wavy long black hair, alabaster skin, button nose. They're both my kids but in the "mirror mirror on the wall" department the natural beauty look wins hands down over the Kim Kardashian look.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The ONLY thing that will help you at this point is consistent, weekly, therapy with a psychologist.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> The ONLY thing that will help you at this point is consistent, weekly, therapy with a psychologist.



Agree 100% and doing things on your own that give you a sense of purpose and satisfaction.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

lovelygirl said:


> Rant!
> 
> 
> Recently, at least 4 men at my gym asked me out on dates(though I declined as I'm not interested in any of them), but the only guy I'm currently interested in hasn't YET.
> .


let me get this straight. You are lamenting that guys are judging you superficially, and not getting to know who great you are. But 4 guys at the gym asked you out and you blew them off because...why, they did not have hot bodies?

If you want men to really get to know you and appreciate you for who you are, you have to be willing to get to know them in return.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> let me get this straight. You are lamenting that guys are judging you superficially, and not getting to know who great you are. But 4 guys at the gym asked you out and you blew them off because...why, they did not have hot bodies?
> 
> 
> If you want men to really get to know you and appreciate you for who you are, you have to be willing to get to know them in return.


Where did lovelygirl say that she turned these guys down because they did not have hot bodies?

One of those guys is engaged. She turned him down. Makes sense to me.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Murphy, when did I say I turned them down because they didn't have hot bodies? 



EleGirl said:


> My mother did this to me all the time. She did not do it to my mother sisters, just to me. She would say things that made were intended to make me feel insecure. It got so obvious that my sisters even noticed it and would tell me to not pay attention to her comments.
> 
> Why did my mom do it? To make herself feel better. Sometimes women get jealous of their daughters. By the time a daughter is old enough to be a young woman, the mother is getting older and starting to show it. There is a possibility that she has some jealousy that you are now the young and beautiful one and she will never be this again.


Oh no. I could never believe this in a million years. 
She's always telling me how I should become more confident and fight my insecurities. Then she starts with examples of girls around me. 



NextTimeAround said:


> My mother is the same way. I finally realised she was trying to choose my friends in high school and into adulthood. She would say negative things about the people I got along with and then hassle me to befriend other people.
> 
> One classmate from high school became a cause celebre for my parents. Every time they saw (once or twice a year), my mother would find some way to wedge her name into a conversation..... as if I would know anything about her. This is one of those occasions where I feel that therapists have failed me. they tell me to be direct and honest that I do not want to talk about this woman. that only makes my mother want to talk about her more. When I tell the therapist that yes, I have been direct and honest about not wanting to talk about this woman, the therapist will then only stare at me and move on to another subject.
> 
> ...


I find this very strange! Not that I don't believe you but my mom can't be like that ...


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

FormerSelf said:


> It sucks because it sounds like you want to be swept off your feet like the rest of them, but are only attracting the type of men who seem to appreciate everything about you, yet do nothing for YOU.
> 
> Trust us, it is NOT your physical appearance that is the problem...you score very high on the good looks meter. You probably aren't dumb enough for these lunkheads...and sorry, you just can't disguise intellect...and these guys want a bimbo of which they can take advantage.
> 
> I'd hate to recommend that you have to change or ridiculously have to "sex it up" to attract the type of men that are overlooking you. You sell yourself short that way. I know that THE guy does exist, but perhaps you are going to the wrong places. Think bigger and expect better.


Probably...it could be that I'm going to wrong places.

But where are the right places??

At the beach maybe? 
Yesterday, there was a guy who walked up to me at the beach.
I had met him before when I was feeding a dog in my neighborhood. I remember he saw me feeding the dog and asked me a few questions related to it.

Then yesterday he approached me again so we chatted up for a while. At first he sounded like a good guy, nice looking...and so on. We exchanged FB and today he (while at work during break) started telling me how he liked my pictures and that I turned him on... and how he wished that I was sitting on his table..where his computer was at the moment of speaking. He felt like breaking down the computer to have me on the table. 
:lol:

Not to add the fact that he wouldn't stop asking questions like when was my last boyfriend, who, why I broke up ...
(Which I though was very premature and I said "hey back off. I feel like in a job interview...)
I had to remove him from friends because he simply turned me off. It was too soon for such an intimate talk. 

So either the guy is very immature or the right guys won't look at me.


So, FormerSelf, it's not always about wrong places...it's also about destiny I think!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

A gorgeous, intelligent, competent and engaging woman feels ignored. 

One thought is that there is something in your body language or dress like FF says that does not bring out the real you. But she is also right in that it may boost your ego, however if it is not the real you it is just a facade and you will attract the wrong types.

Another possibility is that you are way out of these guys leagues. Seriously. I am not sure who you are around. You may scare some guys off. Some guys may feel you are unobtanium even. You may intimidate them. Good. You do not want a man who is intimidated.

No doubt observing you in the element you speak of would likely yield us some answers.

Now I must ask you loevly girl. What are you looking for? Forget about these clowns. You say there is a guy who has not asked you out. Go get him.

Take the initiative. Use your lawyer brain and your gorgeous beauty and get him. Never ask a question you do not know the answer to. Right? So think how you can engage with the men you are interested in. Let them know you are interested in them at the least. Smile. Do some safe flirting. You can do it.

Are you shy around these guys? The ones you want? If so, I totally get this. You want him to pursue you. But are you looking for just the pushy Alpha guys? Or do you want more? Give him a clue.

When you do go on that date or just get coffee, emphasize your best qualities but turn up the woman. Dress classy but show a tad more skin. Ummm, up the sex rank by one notch. Make it both impactful and yet subtle.  Perhaps just one more button undone or maybe two, a touch more makeup ... just be a bit more sexy. Do not over do it. You want him to like you for you. You do want him to listen to what you have to say. He should not be glued to your cleavage but he should know you look a bit hotter today. Smile.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Lovely girl.. I have a hard time understanding it really.. you seem to have EVERYTHING to offer.. Looks , intelligence... you even sing !... a Great Job...you have great friends, you are engaging.. It's obvious you want a higher quality man, so you are very choosy.. 

I felt similar too, but I was much younger and my expectations were lower for sure in some areas...

I didn't care if the guy was Shy.. once you get to know some shyer men, they might surprise you...(I will call them introverted)......and I also didn't care about money.. or how popular he was.. all I cared about was.. decent looks... honesty, integrity and how he treated me.. if we had the same life goals.. 

I, too , wanted to be pursued..at least his putting himself out there-making his intentions known, asking YOU out...... I understand that.... but nothing wrong with putting yourself out there just a little more.. and seeing if they take the bait.

So many good suggestions on this thread.. I don't know what to ADD !! Have you done any dating sites at all.. many meet this way today, it seems so many feel it is beneath them.... but why not ....anything to open more doors, I would think would be a good thing... just be careful...


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

lovelygirl said:


> Why would she want to make me insecure???
> 
> It doesn't make sense.


Your mom plays dumb too.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

So you're not attracted to most of the guys that approach you, and the ones who do have been too quick to get more personal than you prefer. Do I have that right?

You've said you're not interested in changing the former by taking the initiative - because it would make a guy unattractive to you.

What other traits are you looking for in a guy?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Enty, I've been missing you in this thread! <3 



Entropy3000 said:


> One thought is that there is something in your body language or dress like FF says that does not bring out the real you. But she is also right in that it may boost your ego, but if it is not the real you it is just a facade and you will attract the wrongs types.





> Another possibility is that you are way out of these guys leagues. Seriously. I am not sure who you are around. You may scare some guys off. Some guys may feel you are unobtainable even. You may intimidate them. Good. You do not want a man who is intimidated.


Speaking of intimidated men, this guy I'm interested about in the gym could be a type of this sort.
Yesterday, I had to talk to him first ....and after a few minutes of chatting he finally asked me to have a drink with him. But given that it was too late last night, we decided we could have it today.

Today, I went to the gym hoping I'd have the drink but when I approached and greeted him ...he wasn't saying anything.
It was kind of an awkward moment and to break the silence ...I said "Ok..I'll be around if you need me. ..  " 

I was around ALL the time but he didn't mention the drink. 
HE DID NOT EVEN COME CLOSE TO ME.
WTF??





> Now I must ask you loevly girl. What are you looking for? Forget about these clowns. You say there is a guy who has not asked you out. Go get him.


As I said Enty, I'm giving him signs, I try to walk by him when he works out, I smile at him, I give flirty looks at him.
I told him yes we can have the drink ...and when the time of the drink came he did NOTHING. 
Instead, he spent most of his time chatting with a guy-friend in the gym.
He could have decided to chat me up instead! 




> Take the initiative. Use your lawyer brain and your gorgeous beuaty and get him. Never ask a question you do not know the answer to. Right? So think how you can engage with the men you are interested in.
> Let them know you are interested in the least. Smile. Do some safe flirting. You can do it.


As I said, I have done all this with him.
Actually, I'm very friendly in the gym. I'm friends with at least 9 guys I talk to regularly and everytime I'm at the gym. 4 of them have already asked me out...except for this guy!.
He gives only looks at me....but does nothing. Not even half of what these other guys do. 
All of them are the first to walk up to me and talk...so why doesn't he do the same?



> Are you shy around these guys? The ones you want? If so, I totally get this. You want him to pursue you. But are you looking for just the pushy Alpha guys? Or do you want more? Give him a clue.


No, I'm not shy to any of the guys I talk to. I used to be a bit shy to guy I'm interested in but not anymore. 
Said this, I still want him to pursue me.

I'm looking for Alpha mixed with a bit of Beta.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Lovely girl.. I have a hard time understanding it really.. you seem to have EVERYTHING to offer.. Looks , intelligence... you even sing !... a Great Job...you have great friends, you are engaging.. It's obvious you want a higher quality man, so you are very choosy..
> 
> I felt similar too, but I was much younger and my expectations were lower for sure in some areas...
> 
> ...


Dating sites don't do it for me.
I have tried them in the past. But it's a waste of time.
I prefer to talk to someone face to face rather than spend time writing to them.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> So you're not attracted to most of the guys that approach you, and the ones who do have been too quick to get more personal than you prefer. Do I have that right?


Yes, you're right.
I don't know but I think it's too soon to have sextalk withe someone I only met yesterday.
He went on asking me to send him pictures before and after bath.
How is that comfortable??? I don't have the confidence with him. 
I'd do it only if he was my boyfriend.




> What other traits are you looking for in a guy?


I want him to be confident, but not arrogant.
I want him to respect me as well as respect himself.
Above all, I want him to pursue me and make me feel desirable. I want him to take me without being pushy.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Why are you attracted to arrogant men then?

Seems you might not have a figured out how to determine the difference between confident and arrogant at first blush. It suggests to me that the guys who aren't afraid of you aren't afraid because they don't care. Your brain and accomplishments are not important. They want to bed a pretty girl.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Why are you attracted to arrogant men then?
> 
> Seems you might not have a figured out how to determine the difference between confident and arrogant at first blush. It suggests to me that the guys who aren't afraid of you aren't afraid because they don't care. Your brain and accomplishments are not important. They want to bed a pretty girl.


huh???
Where did I say I want arrogant men? 
Where did you draw this conclusion from?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You don't want them but those are the men you give the time of day to.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How about joining some clubs or something and meeting people who have the same temperament as you, so you'll have more in common?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Turnera, there are no such clubs over here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No organizations for people who like to go roller skating? Play poker? Go hiking? Do birdwatching? Play chess? Be in a play? Sing?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> Yes, you're right.
> 
> I don't know but I think it's too soon to have sextalk withe someone I only met yesterday.
> 
> ...



Well...

I would be fairly uncomfortable if my daughters did pics with anyone, bf or not. Maybe I'm old fashioned.

Have you thought of taking courses at a local college? That does screen out a lot of people . They can be enrichment courses not algebra or biology.

My older girl did lots of art courses outside school. Another good place. 

Be more selective and more patient would by my suggestion.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

No clubs? Where do you live? Mars?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> Turnera, there are no such clubs over here.


have you seen the website Find your people - Meetup ?

Are there any websites like this where you live? Surely people there do things like hike, read books and discuss them, go on ski trips, etc. There should be a way to find groups like that.

If not, maybe you could start a meetup.com type site for your country. You could make a lot of money doing it too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> No clubs? Where do you live? Mars?


She lives in Albania


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

For real?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Albania isn't Mars.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

turnera said:


> No organizations for people who like to go roller skating? Play poker? Go hiking? Do birdwatching? Play chess? Be in a play? Sing?


Not clubs. But if a group of friends want to do this activity then they get together and they do whatever they feel like doing.

If somebody wants to sing they simply go to a karaoke.

If they want to go hiking they simply go there.

So it's not about about clubs. It's about friends having the same interests.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

john117 said:


> Well...
> 
> I would be fairly uncomfortable if my daughters did pics with anyone, bf or not. Maybe I'm old fashioned.
> 
> ...


Well...I don't think there's anything wrong with sharing intimate pics with your partner (unless you're all naked). 
There's always a chance those pictures could get leaked somewhere on the net...but if you're half dressed then that would be the least of two evils. haha



Also, for real. I am from and live in Albania.
What's wrong with that?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I guess that's a good compromise . Here in the USA we have high school students trading selfies and such... Not a great way to go about it. 

I have 100 pictures of my older daughter's college apartment cat than I do of my daughter :rofl:

Albania is an interesting place - I'm from a similarly obscure part of Europe myself - and I only know one kid from Albania (daughter's high school classmate). Your English is very good. Keep working at it!!!

Remember the culture you're dealing with - my wife comes from one of the -istan countries in Central Asia and I think they're not far off culture wise. Find anything you're good at. English for example. And build up on it. Work on yourself like you would on any self improvement project. Define goals, work to achieve them, and track them. 

I did that and it worked pretty well. Don't worry too much about what other people think. The objective is for you to do what needs to get done, not to worry about what others will say.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Lovelygirl

First of all there is nothing wrong with your looks...With your career, education, and life experience, I am sure you intimidate most men... You're an attorney? That alone seems intimidating... Not that its a bad thing. My SIL is an attorney and her personality shows it. She is very sweet, but has very strong opinions and always has to prove herself right...

Although I am successfull in my career, I got here with just a H.S. education...My grammer proves my lack of a good education.....I think I would be one of those shy men who would never initiate a conversation with you. At the same time, when I tell my friends that I am shy, they look at me like I am nuts because i talk so much...Some men just need a little encouragement to get them started.

If I saw you in the grocery store and we locked eyes briefly and you were interested... What would you say or do? Some men need a hint! Some need to be knocked up side the head with a loaf of bread.


What do you do that would give a man a clue you are interested? I am dingy, I wouldn't have a clue.Maybe the man you are interested in doesn't have a clue either.

A female friend told me that she says yes to almost every man that asks her out, unless he is a total jerk. Many times she was surprised that she actually had a good time. She set her expectations pretty low so she was never disappointed.

You can still practice going out, even with menyiu are not totally in to.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lovelygirl said:


> Not clubs. But if a group of friends want to do this activity then they get together and they do whatever they feel like doing.
> 
> If somebody wants to sing they simply go to a karaoke.
> 
> ...


Well, great then, start doing things!

DD23 was just telling me that when she and her friends want to do things, they just go on FB and say 'hey, I feel like going for a bike ride today; who's in?'


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Is lovely girl just here to have people compliment her?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

john117 said:


> I guess that's a good compromise . Here in the USA we have high school students trading selfies and such... Not a great way to go about it.
> 
> I have 100 pictures of my older daughter's college apartment cat than I do of my daughter :rofl:
> 
> ...


 good advice!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Trickster said:


> Lovelygirl
> 
> First of all there is nothing wrong with your looks...With your career, education, and life experience, I am sure you intimidate most men... You're an attorney? That alone seems intimidating... Not that its a bad thing. My SIL is an attorney and her personality shows it. She is very sweet, but has very strong opinions and always has to prove herself right...
> 
> ...


I'd give you several looks...then I'd start with flirty looks.
What more would you want? 
If you don't approach me by now I might lose interest.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Is lovely girl just here to have people compliment her?


I'm not sure why you're saying this?
I'm here to be open about my insecurities. It's my soft spot. 
This is my secret place.

I don't need people who judge me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Trickster said:


> First of all there is nothing wrong with your looks...With your career, education, and life experience, *I am sure you intimidate most men... You're an attorney? That alone seems intimidating... Not that its a bad thing*. My SIL is an attorney and her personality shows it. She is very sweet, but has very strong opinions and always has to prove herself right...


 Looking forward to seeing how it plays out on the new Bachelorette program, she is an Attorney...


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Looking forward to seeing how it plays out on the new Bachelorette program, she is an Attorney...


Interestiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!  
I gotta watch it too!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lovelygirl said:


> I'm not sure why you're saying this?
> I'm here to be open about my insecurities. It's my soft spot.
> This is my secret place.
> 
> I don't need people who judge me.


Everyone has insecurities..could be over a # of things...some are more obvious to others...... many are good at hiding them....I read a book on it once while H drove our family to Disney World... 

So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us: Beth Moore: Books

One of the 1st things it talked about was pretty women.. I was a bit taken a back by this to be honest.. not something I would THINK...but it made sense how she explained it.....It's an interesting subject to say the least. 

I think it should ease all of our minds that all of us HAVE some.. somewhere.. so this brings us all down to a level playing field...


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> I'd give you several looks...then I'd start with flirty looks.
> What more would you want?
> If you don't approach me by now I might lose interest.


Could it be that you rejected the other men so he feel he would suffer the same fate?

Men have to know the difference between a woman who is actually flirting or if she is just being friendly. 

Like today, I was at the store and a gorgeous blond was giving out free wine samples. We talked about wine and I said that I probably couldn't tell the difference between a $10 or a $50 bottle. This gorgous woman gave me a brief education on wine. So I was wearing my animal shelter volunteer shirt and she was asking about that. That lead to the work that I do. The whole time I was thinking what a gorgeous smile she had. She was a wine sales person...Very friendly and extroverted. There is a chance she was flirting somewhat, more than likely, she is just being very confident and friendly. I guess I will never know.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> I'm not sure why you're saying this?
> 
> I'm here to be open about my insecurities. It's my soft spot.
> 
> ...



You're caught between a rock and a hard place - the expectations of men over there are different than most people here think, and you are so far from those expectations that it's hard to see a typical man there seem interested. This fosters insecurities and probably a bit of "what am I doing here"...

Perhaps you can shift your social circle a bit from established friends, friends of relatives, etc to a more "elite" circle of western educated people who may be able to relate to you better. And you to them. I don't know what this would be over there but it should be doable.

Don't think I'm just saying this or that it's easy. I have not broken into the inner circle of money or power in the USA despite three decades worth of living here. And despite making the money, having the education, career, etc. I don't feel insecure about it tho. 

And this is in the USA where such things don't matter. If my wife's country is any indication such things of matter a lot more where you are. So, shift your circle slowly and see if that works.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lovelygirl said:


> I'm not sure why you're saying this?
> I'm here to be open about my insecurities. It's my soft spot.
> This is my secret place.
> 
> I don't need people who judge me.


Honestly, lg, having people judge you is EXACTLY what you need.

How else can you learn, think, grow, if you don't hear what people see that you need to do to change and improve?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

People keep telling her she is beautiful and complementing her. How does that help her?

In the end it seems like the thread is asking for attention.

Guys ask her out.

She isn't without action.

There is something else to going on in this thread. They have therapists in Albania right? A lawyer can probably afford one. There are gyms but no clubs. 

Look, if the beautiful well educated girl who turns down guys regularly but goes after jerks can't figure out that the problem is with her idea of what an attractive mate looks like then I fail to see how everyone else missing her ass telling her what she already knows (that she is PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE) is going to do for her.

This all just seems like a plea for attention.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> People keep telling her she is beautiful and complementing her. How does that help her?
> 
> In the end it seems like the thread is asking for attention.
> 
> ...


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Clipclop, you are free to leave if you feel all I'm here for is seek attention. Don't waste your time and don't bother posting.

Simple.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I wasn't talking to you.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

My instinct is to agree with you, lovelygirl, on letting the man make the first move. But some here have said they made the first move, and their marriages are happy. Maybe it is important not to be too rigid?

I think it is better to let the man handle things, because then you know he is really interested. I guess I just see it as a test the man has to pass: knowing what he wants and being willing to go after it. My other worry is that if you have to start the relationship, you may have to keep on leading it. Some gals like that but not everyone. Sounds like a lot of work to me.

But if you really are miserable waiting, maybe make a move yourself. It may work out, or your original thoughts may be confirmed.

I still think you are very young and do not need to worry about this. 26 is young these days. Probably does not feel like that to you, but it seems that way to me.

Just don't let it make you doubt yourself. It is so important to just be yourself in life, especially in personal relations. Please just keep believing in yourself and pursuing your goals. I am still sure that the right man will find you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you know what men love most about women (aside from their looks, of course)? Confidence. It's a HUGE turn on for men. If you have insecurities, focus on that, find out why, what happened in your FOO to cause those insecurities so you can reject them (mom criticized my looks so I never liked my looks = that was HER issues so had nothing to do with me, my looks are just fine, etc.), do new things so you start to see you can do anything you want (to reduce insecurity), stuff like that.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Sorry for bumping the thread again.
I'm really worried because the guy is not interested in me at all.
We've seen each other several times a week for the past two weeks but he hasn't made any other move.
I made some moves towards him like approaching, greeting and asking how he was doing. Last night I did the same thing again but he replied back with a short sentence and left.

What could have happened? 
How does one go from asking you out for a coffee to giving you short replies ? 
And the coffee hasn't happened yet.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I know it's really hard, but I think I would let go, lg. Just let him be. Let him work out whatever he needs to work out, in his own time.

You don't really want a man who does not want you, who does not take initiative with you, do you? You might end up carrying the whole relationship, if there is a relationship. Doesn't that sound like a lot of work?

Or maybe you just say to him directly, "Hey, I was really looking forward to that coffee." And smile meaningfully, and see what he says. 

But if it were me, I would just skip that last paragraph, and keep on going in life. With the right man, it just is not this much work.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He sees you several times a week and that's not good enough for you?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> Sorry for bumping the thread again.
> I'm really worried because the guy is not interested in me at all.
> We've seen each other several times a week for the past two weeks but he hasn't made any other move.
> I made some moves towards him like approaching, greeting and asking how he was doing. Last night I did the same thing again but he replied back with a short sentence and left.
> ...


Is he just overly shy?


Is he playing hard to get?

Are you direct enough. Like I said before, I don't know if women are just being friendly with me or they are attracted to me. Maybe you just have to come out and say..." Hey dummy.... I want to get to know you better...When can we get that coffee?"


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

lovelygirl said:


> What could have happened?
> How does one go from asking you out for a coffee to giving you short replies ?


If this is going to be burning inside your mind forever, then just ask him. Tell him you don't want to pressure him into a date but that you really want to know because you think it might help you in the future. 

If you can't cut to the quick like that, then follow *jld*'s advice.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

turnera said:


> He sees you several times a week and that's not good enough for you?


We see each other in the gym ..but that's it. We give looks to each other. Actually I look at him more than he looks at me.

Of course that's not enough for me. I want us to go further.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I thought you meant you were going out several times.

Looks like the attraction is YOUR side more than his, so frankly, I would back off. Men don't like aggressive women. If he doesn't pursue, then it wouldn't have worked out anyway.


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