# I'm moving out in 6 days- H in total denial?



## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

I knew this would be a weird situation, but this is even weirder that I expected.

A few weeks ago I had a talk with my husband of almost 2 years. He hasn't worked for a year, nor seriously tried to get a job, nor prepared for his unemployment checks to run out. Much more kvetching about this can be found here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sband-told-me-he-does-not-want-work-ever.html

He is a passive-aggressive still playing out issues with his parents/childhood- only with me. He disses me in public and spends an inordinate amount of time attempting to get validation from other women- both online and off. 

When I need him, he's nowhere to be found (example: when my car broke down late at night on the interstate- I called him right before my cell died and told him where I was. When I finally made it home- thanks to a stranger who stopped, let me use his phone and sat on the side of the road with me for AN HOUR waiting for the tow truck, my H was fast asleep in bed). No matter what I ask of him, it's always too much. But he expects help from me. I quickly fell into the Mom role once I moved in.

When I've tried to discuss our plans for the future he refuses (his reasoning "but I don't know what's going to happen in the future") or our relationship he won't participate. 

I told him what needed to change for me. It was not the first time I tried to talk to him about these issues, but I've never been able to get anywhere. He says I'm attacking him, and that he has no problems with the marriage.

I said we needed couples and ideally individual counseling to have a chance at working things out. He immediately refused, and said he would never change, and would never go to a therapist, so it would be pointless to drag it out. I said I felt I had no choice but to move out.

So we've been living in the house together for a few weeks. First he stayed out until at least 3 am, or all night, most every night. Now he's being overly loving and affectionate- hugging me, stroking my hair, and basically acting like everything is normal. In a way he seems mournful that I'm moving out (though I wonder if he really believes it even with boxes all over the house), but he has never once asked me to stay.

I found an apartment and if all goes well, am planning to move in 6 days. He has no job and no money coming in, and will have no internet service once I leave, but he does not seem particularly worried about that. He watches TV, types on Facebook and goes to his play rehearsals.

I suppose I'm looking for someone impartial to reassure me I'm doing the right thing.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You ARE doing the right thing. Believe in yourself!!!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You absolutely are!!! Never doubt that for a second. Long overdue, as a matter of fact.

Stay strong. You can do this.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

> I found an apartment and if all goes well, am planning to move in 6 days. He has no job and no money coming in, and will have no internet service once I leave, but he does not seem particularly worried about that. He watches TV, types on Facebook and goes to his play rehearsals.


Does this sound like someone you want to be with?


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

He left you broken down on the side of the highway?? You are doing the right thing.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Yes, and it was a really scary situation. I was lucky that a kindly stranger pulled over the help me.

On our honeymoon, we booked a night snorkeling trip. My H knew I had never snorkeled before, and that I was not a strong swimmer, so I was a bit nervous. It was a relatively large group, everyone seemed to know what they were doing and the guys who took us out offered no instruction at all. 

Once we were out into the middle of the dark, actively bobbing ocean H immediately jumped in and swam off. I got in after him, and of course was lagging behind struggling with my gear trying not to freak out, so one of the Jamaican guides swam back and asked if I was "going to be able to deal with this or not". I opted to swim back to the boat on my own.

When everyone came back my H was surprised that I hadn't been with the group, even though he didn't see me the whole time, and told me it was the coolest thing he'd ever done.

He never understood why I was upset.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You ARE doing the right thing! His indifference speaks volumes! If he is in denial, that is HIS problem NOT yours! Stay strong, you can do this.


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

Go for it... i think you are in the right track.. good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Pink, I agree. You are doing the right thing.


Do you think he just assumes his parents will pick up his bills for him?

What are your plans for moving? I mean the logistics. Will you have anyone there to help you? I'm concerned about the way he's acting. He might really fall apart when it happens and make it hard for you to get out of there.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Ele, I have no idea. I've mentioned a couple of times that maybe he should ask his parents for a loan, and he says he 'hates asking them for anything'. Once I'm out of the house I guess he'll be forced to figure something out.

I'm going to move my stuff gradually and hire some guys to move my few pieces of furniture that won't fit in my car.

He seems perfectly calm when I talk about what stuff I'm going to take, etc. but then acts like a loving husband. The situation is just so odd. I'll be relieved when I'm in my own space.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Pink — You ARE doing the right thing. Keep doing what you need to do; you have been pulling 95 percent of the load in this "marriage" for way too long. You deserve (and will find) better.

So what if your husband is in denial, or is now acting all lovey-dovey? That's none of yours. If he refuses to act like a responsible married person (i.e. get a job; going to counseling; communicating with you; etc. etc.), that's not your fault.

Trust in yourself — I know this took a lot of courage, after what you went through to be with him, and it will be scary for a time. But you can do it! :smthumbup:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is he still going out with friends, doing the threater stuff? Or is he home with you all the time now?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

pink_lady said:


> I knew this would be a weird situation, but this is even weirder that I expected.
> 
> A few weeks ago I had a talk with my husband of almost 2 years. He hasn't worked for a year, nor seriously tried to get a job, nor prepared for his unemployment checks to run out. Much more kvetching about this can be found here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sband-told-me-he-does-not-want-work-ever.html
> 
> ...



You do realize that by even giving a rat's a$$ about whether he's in denial or anything he thinks for that matter you're still mothering him? I'm a little concerned that you even need anyone to tell you that you need to move out and end this but since you've asked: YES, you are doing the right thing. Don't waste any more of your precious life with someone that doesn't give a rat's behind about you. This one doesn't even care enough or have the brains to be subtle about it; if someone actively told you to drop dead would you still question? The affection is the action of a person that thinks you can be manipulated, it'll stop as it suits him. Please move one to better things.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You'll be so happy when he is in your rear view mirror! I agree with lifeistooshort--he is no longer your problem.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I imagine he's in denial or so used to being rescued by you or anyone else, that he's just floating along on the current of life.

Yay for you finally moving out - keep up your college goal and make it happen! You'll do fine.

I think your biggest risk is getting sucked back in. Start divorce proceedings and block his #. I fear you'll get those sad calls, he'll want to come over and before you know it he'll be living in your apartment and the only thing that will have changed will be the location.

Come here as often as you need for strength and clarity.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

pink_lady said:


> Ele, I have no idea. I've mentioned a couple of times that maybe he should ask his parents for a loan, and he says he 'hates asking them for anything'. Once I'm out of the house I guess he'll be forced to figure something out.


Three possibilities come to mind:

1. He's in total denial.

2. He has a fair amount of money saved up that you don't know about.

3. His parents already told him they will bail him out. 

BTW, I think you were a little hard on him about the honeymoon trip, but from all the other things you mention in your previous thread, I think you are doing the right thing by leaving.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I haven't read all of the responses yet but from what others have said, I so concur. YOU ARE DOING THE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT THING! 

Last year I moved in with my boyfriend. A couple weeks after that he lost his job and mooched off me. But in the beginning I was happy to do it because he tried looking for work. But with his free time he started using drugs (again) and drinking excessively. He would scream at me for making my car payment first and not his. He'd stay out all night and not answer his phone. My life was unbearable. After 3 months I moved out. He was in denial right up until the day I moved my cat out. But he never once asked me to stay and that made me sad. Not that I would have, however. 

When the moving guys left my house (thank god I was able to take it off the market before it sold) I stood there in the silence of my living room and cried like a baby. Not because the relationship failed after only 3 months of living together. Not because I was lonely. Not because I depleted my savings. But because I had my sanity back. It was peaceful. I was HAPPY! 

Being alone and single is so much better than being alone and having a SO. 

And the thought of you on the side of the road while he was sleeping away in bed made me sick to my stomach. My ex abandonded me at a resturant after I asked him to not order that 5th shot of alchohol. I had to walk 3 miles home at midnight on a dark road with no shoulder. When I got back to the house he had already changed the garage door code and he had the keys.

I wish you were able to move out today!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Pink, I think he's in denial... but moreso unbelieving that you're actually going to move. Sometimes the writing isn't on that wall until someone actually follows through with action. He'll get it, but you may be gone a few weeks.

I have a friend that went through something like this. After years of trying, counseling, everything she could come up with, she finally left him and got divorced. They've been divorced about 3 years, and NOW he's getting it. She was serious and he lost her, and NOW he regrets his ways.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Congrats, Pink!

So very happy for you. Do be sure to block his number (and his parents' number...he'll try to use IT.)

Block his email and delete him from ALL social networking.

Since you two do NOT have children, there is absolutely NO REASON for him or his parents to contact you again. When you hire a divorce attorney, STBXH can be sent a notice from your attorney on contacting attorney (or having HIS attorney contact your attorney) regarding any financial matters.

Good luck, stay STRONG!


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Is he still going out with friends, doing the threater stuff? Or is he home with you all the time now?


Yes, he has rehearsal most nights and usually stays out until the wee hours (though he is supposedly flat broke). He could very well be with some woman, I have no clue. Honestly I really don't care at this point, except some mild curiosity.

One thing that sucks: I cannot file for divorce until we've been living separately a year in this state. But once I can file, it should be super easy. We have no joint bank accounts, credit cards, loans or property, I didn't change my name, no kids- just some furniture we bought together that we already figured out how to split.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Pink, I think he's in denial... but moreso unbelieving that you're actually going to move. Sometimes the writing isn't on that wall until someone actually follows through with action. He'll get it, but you may be gone a few weeks.
> 
> I have a friend that went through something like this. After years of trying, counseling, everything she could come up with, she finally left him and got divorced. They've been divorced about 3 years, and NOW he's getting it. She was serious and he lost her, and NOW he regrets his ways.


It took him 3 YEARS to figure out she was really gone?? :scratchhead:


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

pink_lady said:


> It took him 3 YEARS to figure out she was really gone?? :scratchhead:


It finally sunk in he lost her for good. Now he wants to help her move and be her beck and call guy (shes single at the moment) but she tried to work things out for 4 years before deciding divorce was the best option. He didn't truly believe she was done. Ironically he allows his parents to loan him money and bail him out financially too. He went thru periods of unemployment with no effort to find work. He would rather smoke weed all afternoon and hang with his buddies. She had enough and gave up.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

JustPuzzled said:


> Pink, this may have been answered in your other thread but, how old are you and H?
> 
> I ask because I might be able to share some pertinent stuff.
> 
> Also, if I may ask, what was your original attraction to him?


I'm 41, he's 44.

Well, physically he was 'my type'. He is very smart and is a good writer- he wrote some great emails when we first met. He can be very funny. He said he wanted to travel as much as I did. That was very important to me. Neither one of us wanted kids. He is serious and introverted but so am I. We align on religion and politics, and are both vegan. We are both artistic and 'right-brained'. When we met, he had had the same job for 5 years. And he told me all about his ambitions for himself and his life. It seemed we wanted the same things.

He put on his best temporary face (he is, after all, an actor) talked a good game and I ignored the warning signs because I wanted to believe this was finally 'it'.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

This is the most amazing thing you'll ever do for yourself.

Congrats on using your spine and taking care of yourself.


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## elizabethdennis (Jan 16, 2013)

You are absolutely doing the right thing. You are saving yourself from a one sided marriage.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Good luck with things Pink


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## Jamie.11 (Feb 20, 2013)

Yes you are doing the right thing. Trust your instincts and do what you think would be best for your sanity.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Girl, you are SO doing the right thing!

Any man that would fall asleep as his wife is stranded on the highway deserves to be alone the rest of his life!

I saw your pic... I give you no more than a month before you've got a loyal following of replacements!


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I saw your pic... I give you no more than a month before you've got a loyal following of replacements!


Less then that....


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Pink Lady...just curious, what was the job of 5 years he had when you met him? And are you absolutely sure about the 5 years...maybe it was more like 1.5 years but in his exaggerated stories it was 5 years? 

Anyway, that is just curiousity. As to your posts, yes you are doing the right thing.

I'm going to say that it is very likely he has already replaced you, and all of the affection and lovey dovey stuff at home is basically because he is happy and relieved to get away from you (you who have realistic expectations of him which he cannot live up to), and soon he will move in someone who is waiting in the wings. This person likely has a way to support him. This person may not know she is going to be rushed in in your absence, she may not have agreed to this yet...he is likely still heavily courting her. He is probably spending these late nights out now, working the story over on her so that she believes you are the "mean wife" who he is so desperately trying to get away from for some made up reasons.

I'm only saying this stuff because I honestly fear it is true and you should be braced for such a thing. I know you said that you don't even care any more if he does have a woman in the wings, but it still will probably sting, won't it? So just be very prepared and don't be taken by surprise for it. Are you in IC? Do you have close friends and family to support you during this?

Divorce care should be your main concern for yourself, I hope you are getting some.

Also, have you talked to a lawyer? Be prepared that your H might try to get spousal support, if there is any way he can.

I'm so sorry, this will be a bumpy ride. But it is DEFINITELY the right thing to do at this time.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

It was at a company his mother co-founded where she was still the President. Once she retired, he was quickly laid off.

I think its certainly possible he is with some woman- a while back (before we had a 'talk') I found questionable text messages, he was completely ignoring me on social media but covering his 'friends' pages with hearts and compliments, and he was always extremely secretive. He actually blacks out every note and calendar appointment he writes down, and then rips the pieces of paper into shreds before he throws them away.

If he does have a girlfriend, of course he is telling her all about his shrewish wife and trying to gain her sympathy, showing her how much he 'needs' her. After all, somebody's gotta take care of him.

I'm sure if/when this suspicion is confirmed it will sting. But, I've been there and done that and I'd feel for the woman. With this guy, as soon as she moves in she'll become the 'authority figure' that he needs to fight against. It'll be downhill from there, just like it was with me and the wife before me (who also lasted 2 years).

I do plan to enter IC.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

You're making the right move Pink...I really don't get people like him..

He'll either figure it out after you're gone or he never will..either way you'll be in a better place.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

The only question I have for you, Pink, is why you need reassurance that you're doing the right thing!? 

You're a generous, capable woman who deserves a man who adores her. Why would you have even a moment's doubt after all that you've done and all you have been through?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Pink:

Have you done any independent reading (cheaper than IC!)?

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie
"Who's Pulling Your Strings" by Harriet Braiker
"Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No: by Cloud & Townsend

I HIGHLY recommend the first 2, haven't read the 3rd one yet. I would try them and see what you can glean from each of them (maybe a lot, maybe nothing....everyone's story is different). Also try some of the other books recommended on TAM. 

It's free (library) or cheap (compared to IC), and gets you a jump-start on feeling better!

I wouldn't worry about spousal support...you haven't been married long enough for it to kick in, in all liklihood!

Enjoy your new FREEDOM! I'm sure you'll feel better right away!


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

KathyB: I guess because I keep reading threads here where spouses are being bashed for wanting to end a marriage i.e. "you lied when you made your vows". 

This morning H is moping around watching me pack and hugging me and stroking my face again. I asked him, "why are you being all lovey dovey?" His response, "Because I love you." Ok.

I do think he is being manipulative- he wants the separation to be all about me not being happy with him, and not about his behavior or his refusal to make even the slightest effort to keep the marriage together. Trying not to let him make me feel guilty.

SGW: Thanks, I will definitely get those books. I'm sure I can find them on half.com for cheap


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"he wants the separation to be all about me not being happy with him, and not about his behavior or his refusal to make even the slightest effort to keep the marriage together."

Bingo.

A person who was truly being left behind and was in love with their spouse would be instinctively groveling, crying, hiding, or making some kind of emotional display.

He is trying to make it go as smoothly as possible for himself.

You sound like a class act, not engaging and just doing what you need to do, in spite of what must be incredibly painful circumstances.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I wonder if he's learned to expect women to leave him. So instead of doing the things a needs to do make himself a real partner in a marriage, he just starts looking for his next partner before the current one leaves him.

He has this down pat by now.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I know that mind says, "Anyone I've ever loved has either died or left...or been effed up...."

Excuses are like a-holes...


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

thats the crumbs Pink.. Don't fall for it..

Don't be happy to get crumbs when a girl like you could get the whole loaf.....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Amen. Nothing worse than crumbs.

Well, nothing worse than believing all you deserve are crumbs...


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Amen. Nothing worse than crumbs.
> 
> Well, nothing worse than believing all you deserve are crumbs...


thats not what you said in the size matters thread...:rofl:


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I wonder if he's learned to expect women to leave him. So instead of doing the things a needs to do make himself a real partner in a marriage, he just starts looking for his next partner before the current one leaves him.
> 
> He has this down pat by now.


I think this is exactly it. 'Woe is me, women are irrational and domineering, not to be trusted, they always leave, through no fault of my own.'


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Pink:

You can get the Kindle app FOR FREE downloaded to your computer! You don't have to BUY a KINDLE for reading e-books. Just go to amazon.com, look for the "download Kindle to my PC for Free" part, download it, and you can buy the e-books pretty cheap. Best part is, you get them IMMEDIATELY! You can "highlight" words/passages in the book, "bookmark" where you left off, etc.

Don't have to buy a kindle if you don't want one, just read off your PC like you read TAM! They also have FREE books you can download. I loaded up for this summer with Austen, D1ckens, Hugo, Stevenson, Dante, and a modern mystery!

Give it a shot! You could have your books THIS WEEKEND (and start reading in your down-time next week!) Figure you'll be busy MOVING this weekend!

Good luck, don't strain anything, take some "me" time, eat healthily and REST this weekend! 

*HUGS*


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

Run! Don't walk to the door. You don't have too much time invested. Get the heck away from him ASAP!


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