# Do I just let it go?????



## dakotagirl (Mar 26, 2018)

First post in this whole site and it's all about me! LOL Is that a sign?

Midway through a divorce, and it's going OK, just slow, which is to be expected given our marriage. My husband is a nice guy, just not motivated at all. Our issues stem from the lack of him being a partner to me and doing his share of things for the family, the house, and the marriage. After asking for help for 3 years, trying to get him to want to do marriage counseling, asking him what he needed to do for being less forgetful and not procrastinating, etc, I fell out of love, started to feel resentful, and here we are, going through a divorce. 

Now.....my issue really isn't anything about what I said above. That's just reference for you......My issue is that he hasn't been honest with his family as to WHY we are getting a divorce. He tells them I'm kicking him out, that I'm not willing to try counseling (?!?!?), that I am being selfish, and that I won't admit that I have any flaws. What he doesn't tell them is that I've been asking him for 13 months to find a place of his own, I've been the one asking to go to counseling, consider it selfish, but I'm doing what is right for me/kids, and not letting the kids see that it's OK to stay in a marriage when you aren't happy and giving them the message that it's OK for mom to do EVERYTHING and dad to just sit on the couch. And flaws? Yah, I point out my flaws to anyone and everyone - so that they can't point them out to me first. I'm in therapy for that, too 

And because he hasn't said any of that to them, they are now giving him advice to make sure that I don't feel like I'm in control, and to make sure I don't leave the state with the kids. You guys don't know me, but I'm one of the nicest people you'll meet. I told him that I wanted this to be as amicable as could be, and that I will do anything to make this easy on the kids and financially on us. We could go to court disagreeing and I would actually come out ahead financially. And I'm even willing to let that go because I just want to not be resentful and want a clean break. And he knows that......but his family is very pushy, and he doesn't have strong opinions on anything, and oh yeah, he keeps feeding them lies! 

So, I guess I'm just looking for advice? or maybe validation that it will be OK. I have a good relationship with his family, and part of me really wants to talk to his mom and be honest with her. But it's not so much because I really want her to hear the truth, it's almost more that I hate how they perceive me based on lies. And they will never hear the true story from their son. I mean, why would he go to them and tell them that I've been trying to fix this for 3 years just hoping we wouldn't get to this point, but that it was his lack of care to change that caused this. 

They are a very attention seeking family, passive aggressive and not at all that supportive in a positive way, so I know that me saying something won't matter. It will be all about how their son got treated and all the stuff he's had to go through. And I guess that's what bugs me too. Knowing that that isn't all the truth. Do I just let it go???? Is it my place to say anything to his family? It's going to eat my alive knowing that they think I'm all to blame, but I don't know how to let it go! 

Thanks for letting me rant. Just having a hard day.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

You are not going to convince them of anything. What you say will be used against you- blood is thicker than water. They are going to be on his side no matter what. I know it hurts to have "family" turn against you but it is one of the prices you pay for divorce. Just be the best mom you can be after the divorce (including letting them spend time with the children) and maybe this will eventually turn them around (that happened with me).


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Ok, maybe you don't even want to talk about this at this point but a few clarifications might help the big picture.

- Does he want a divorce?
- You said he wasn't a good partner, how is that, aside from laziness?
- What was his reasoning for not going into counseling?

OH and sorry, maybe the most important question, how do you know what he is telling them?


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## dakotagirl (Mar 26, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Ok, maybe you don't even want to talk about this at this point but a few clarifications might help the big picture.
> 
> - Does he want a divorce?
> - You said he wasn't a good partner, how is that, aside from laziness?
> ...



No, he doesn't want the divorce, and keeps hoping I will change my mind. 

The laziness is a big thing because it filters into everything. I do everything around the house except garbage and cat litter (this includes outside work) and I have just been asking for some help with household things. When I'm doing household things, he isn't helping in other areas with the kids, he's playing on his phone or sleeping on the couch and the kids run wild! So basic support with the kids and house is huge with young kids. And any work towards our relationship is non-existent from his side. I actually gave up on that after awhile.

Regarding counseling, he didn't think anything was wrong, thought therapists were cooky and a waste of money, and he mostly blamed how I was feeling on the fact that I have anxiety.

We have a family shared phone plan, and you can see other members texts. 

@LTCNurse - you are most likely right!!! I am a high road taker, so i probalby really knew the answer to my own question! Probably just needed validation


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

What caused you to marry him?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

dakotagirl said:


> No, he doesn't want the divorce, and keeps hoping I will change my mind.
> 
> The laziness is a big thing because it filters into everything. I do everything around the house except garbage and cat litter (this includes outside work) and I have just been asking for some help with household things. When I'm doing household things, he isn't helping in other areas with the kids, he's playing on his phone or sleeping on the couch and the kids run wild! So basic support with the kids and house is huge with young kids. And any work towards our relationship is non-existent from his side. I actually gave up on that after awhile.
> 
> ...


My first gut reaction is that if he doesn't want the divorce and they know that, not much you can say or do will help. 

Was he even too lazy to fight the divorce, did he attempt changing anything once he knew that was the route you took? Sorry. Just see a lot of this situation in mind where there was a lot more than meets the eye. Basically two people that thought they did the majority of everything but the other person thought the other wasn't doing enough.

Or

Does he not want a divorce but is going through with it and just blaming you for it?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

He could have been screwing around on you, stealing money, and generally being a prick, and still his family will line up behind him in opposition to you. That is simply the way it goes in divorce. Does not matter who is right or wrong. Families, for the most part will defend their own. So it is easy, given that he is a major procrastinator, or more than likely, highly passive aggressive, and every ounce of blame will land squarely on your shoulders.

My dear, do not give it a second thought, you will be unable to defend yourself to his family. He obviously does not want to be divorced and this is the only thing he understands. Unfortunately, you had no partner, you had a little kid that wants it all done for him. Do it all, get away from this.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Taxman said:


> He could have been screwing around on you, stealing money, and generally being a prick, and still his family will line up behind him in opposition to you. That is simply the way it goes in divorce. Does not matter who is right or wrong. Families, for the most part will defend their own. So it is easy, given that he is a major procrastinator, or more than likely, highly passive aggressive, and every ounce of blame will land squarely on your shoulders.
> 
> My dear, do not give it a second thought, you will be unable to defend yourself to his family. He obviously does not want to be divorced and this is the only thing he understands. Unfortunately, you had no partner, you had a little kid that wants it all done for him. Do it all, get away from this.


This notion is what is hard for me right now. I spent months lining up a united front against my Wayward STBXW and it all fell apart. They shunned her for a little bit but then just probably couldn't outlast my wife's dedication to lying, blame shifting and her goal to beat out the OM's Wife, which appears to be still in play for her as we head towards the final months of divorce.

Sorry, to clarify, I had HER family as a united front against her affair but it broke up. She has a true power of manipulation that even my counselor is impressed by each session saying "Wow, she's good"

If you feel the need to, write a heartfelt letter to them, that thanks them for what you are genuinely thankful for and your plans of the high road from here on out. That may fall on deaf ears but it will be noble for trying and it won't look as much as if you are trying to play he-said, she-said. 

OP, have you told the kids yet?


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## dakotagirl (Mar 26, 2018)

Haven't told the kids yet...............that will be the next forum I'm probably posting in


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

dakotagirl said:


> Haven't told the kids yet...............that will be the next forum I'm probably posting in


That time is coming soon for me too .... I'm dreading it and already emotionally drained every time i think about it.


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