# Tiers of Infedelity



## mommyof31982 (Sep 6, 2010)

What are the different views on this? I'm feeling very betrayed lately. My husband has not been intimate with another woman (in real life) that i know of at least. But he pays me no attention worth mentioning, rushes through our few and far between intimate moments like he'd rather be F*ckin a pumpkin and I catch him masturbating to skinemax (he changes the chanel quick and tries to play it off like he is just laying there watching TV) and getting raunchy pics on his phone from his friends. All of which he hides. I am not a closed minded woman, and this is not usual behavior for him. We have been togethr for 7 years and there have been these spells over the past 3 or so where this starts to happen. It has happened each time I have been pregnant but also several months after our 2nd child was born.

I'm not ugly by any means and I have bounced back from pregnancy very fast each time. Dont have ugly stretch marks or anything outward that I would think would make me undesirable but he obviously aint about me these days. I dont know if I am right, feeling as betrayed as I do....really these are things that wouldnt bother me in the least if I was getting mine.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I don't know that I believe there are different levels of infidelity. I think everyone has their own determination of what's cheating and what's not, but not where one kind of cheating is better or worse than another. 

I know, for me, I'm ok with him looking at porn so long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life, and it's not something where he could actually meet the person someday (i.e., no local amateur stuff, no going on adult friendfinder or stuff like that). The second it interferes in our sex life is the second it becomes a problem for me. 

Other than that, anything else is cheating. Phone sex, real sex, cyber sex, all cheating. An emotional connection that should be shared with me, cheating. Fortunately, we have the same views on sex and cheating and we both enjoy the same things sexually, so no one feels deprived and no one feels the need to do anything even remotely...inappropriate. 

What you describe...I wouldn't classify it as "cheating" per se, but it is a problem. It's making you feel neglected, hurt, left out, lonely, betrayed, whatever word you want to put to it. No one can say whether these feelings are right or wrong; feelings just exist, they are not right or wrong. 

Have you talked to him about this? If you haven't, I think that would be the first step I would take. I would tell him how it makes me feel and see what his response is. Men can be seriously dense sometimes, and although I don't see how he couldn't know it's hurting you, I suppose it is possible that he just doesn't know. And even if he does know, it could be that your lack of comment has led him to think that it must not bother you that much. 

If talking to him doesn't work, then the next step would be counseling, if it were me. After that....I'm not sure what I'd do.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Sounds a lot like my husband. He wouldn't touch me once my pregnancies started to show. At the time I thought, this is going to be a problem when I get old, and sure enough it was. I got a face lift in response to his EA with a woman half his age and that has helped a LOT. My husband is addicted to porn and sometimes chooses it over me. He refuses to go to a sex therapist with me. I think this is a mental issue in their own heads and that's what the therapist old me. Try not to take it personally but at the same time look as good as you can. I'm sorry that's the only advice I have, you are not alone. I don't care if you're Angelina Jolie, there's not a wife in the world that can compete with porn.


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## mommyof31982 (Sep 6, 2010)

thanks for you reply- I will talk with him about it, he has been on 16 hour shifts 7 days a week for the past 5 weeks so our time to talk is minimal and this isnt a conversation that I want to have over the phone. I said something to him about it when it happened the last time I was pregnant and he said that he just isnt comfortable beign sexual with me when Im pregnant, that its awkward for him. I can understand to a degree because hell its a lil unusual for me too..but I still try....I'd be glad to help him out but he's obviously not interested in that or he wouldnt hide it.....


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## mommyof31982 (Sep 6, 2010)

@ yogachick-
see I really am very sexually open to whatever would make his boat float. When we first started dating I walked him into "that magazine isle" in a book store and he acted like it had radioactive properties..couldnt get outta there fast enough. If he's into that or needs it for stimulation or whatever I just wish he'd share it with me.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

mommyof31982 said:


> @ yogachick-
> see I really am very sexually open to whatever would make his boat float. When we first started dating I walked him into "that magazine isle" in a book store and he acted like it had radioactive properties..couldnt get outta there fast enough. If he's into that or needs it for stimulation or whatever I just wish he'd share it with me.


That reaction is a RED FLAG!!!

That's EXACTLY how my husband acted, like he HATED porn, turns out he's addicted to it and can't quit. Refuses to watch it with me; he's very ashamed of his addiction. I think most "normal" guys would say "OK, let's watch some!", that would be a fun adventure for them with their wives. But my guys an _*addict*_ and pretended he hated it....it took me awhile to figure things out. Porn did come up in marrriage counseling and I said I wouldn't mind if it didn't affect me, he replied immediately with a somber, "It's affecting you."


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

Its called fake-out and just as dishonest as anything else a spouse can do when lying to his/her mate. some can blow this off easily but not me.

if only we could match up hi sex drivers w/ hi sex drivers; lows with lows; book worms w/ book worms; cheats w/ cheaters..etc
u get the idea am sure.

then what a "wonderful world this would be" ? ! ?

wonder what the divorce rate would look like then, eh?


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## mommyof31982 (Sep 6, 2010)

thats pretty much how i feel about it. Hiding and sneaking is bad ..period. We had a long talk about it last night and got some things out in the open. He admited that he has issues when I am pregnant because I cant dress as sexy for him as I usually would and I know my skewed body image of myself (I do not like being pregnant) doesnt help him see me any differently. So we'll work on this. I told him the sneaking and hiding is absolutely unacceptable and IF it ever happens again-I will be packin the truck and headin out, then he wont have to hide it. He didnt seem to keen on that idea, and I have never threatened to leave before. If he wants to look at porn , I really dont care but dont sneak around.

I only have 2 more weeks before D day anyhow...it just always seems to come to a head right about the same time each time....and this $hit gets old.


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