# Am I overreacting?



## Littlegee (Jun 20, 2016)

Argh. My hearts breaking. We've been married almost 10 years, we both had 3 young children from our first marriages. Within 6 months of my husband moving into my home he became quite mean to my kids. Yelling at them, constant criticism, that sort of thing. They're actually really great kids! He says that it's normal parenting and no matter how many times we argued about it it still happened. Anyway 4 years ago we had a little boy together. Things weren't as bad as before by this stage but husband still thinks it's ok to scream at my girls in particular. They have described him as 'intimidating'. So a couple of weeks I moved out and feel like no matter what I decide, someone loses. If I go back my older kids have to live with my husband who barely seems to like them and if I stay away my youngest misses his dad (husband is actually great with our youngest and his own children). As for me, I am quite happy to go it all alone. Just embarrassed to be divorced a second time. Of course I do feel bad that my husband is hurting but I begged him so many times to treat my children with kindness but time and time again he pretty much spewed hate at my children. How can he expect me to love him if he can't love my kids?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Littlegee said:


> Argh. My hearts breaking. We've been married almost 10 years, we both had 3 young children from our first marriages. Within 6 months of my husband moving into my home he became quite mean to my kids. Yelling at them, constant criticism, that sort of thing. They're actually really great kids! He says that it's normal parenting and no matter how many times we argued about it it still happened. Anyway 4 years ago we had a little boy together. Things weren't as bad as before by this stage but husband still thinks it's ok to scream at my girls in particular. They have described him as 'intimidating'. So a couple of weeks I moved out and feel like no matter what I decide, someone loses. If I go back my older kids have to live with my husband who barely seems to like them and if I stay away my youngest misses his dad (husband is actually great with our youngest and his own children). As for me, I am quite happy to go it all alone. Just embarrassed to be divorced a second time. Of course I do feel bad that my husband is hurting but I begged him so many times to treat my children with kindness but time and time again he pretty much spewed hate at my children. How can he expect me to love him if he can't love my kids?


He can't expect you to love him if he can't love your kids, and no you are not over reacting. Sorry to hear this but IMO, it's not ok to "scream" at anyone in your household ever. Let alone adults screaming at kids. It never ceases to amaze me how grown adults who can't control their own emotions expect developing kids to act perfectly. Hello?!

And your kids just cannot grow up in that environment, you must protect them.

With that said - there is a reason blended families are SO DIFFICULT. If we were to ask your husband, he would probably unload with a list of frustration over how you coddle your kids and they're not the little angels you think and how you make decisions about the kids without consulting/considering him. (I'm just guessing but that's a common feeling step parents have.)

I would stay separated but if you want to maybe save your marriage, read up on marriage builder's concepts, especially the Policy of Joint Agreement. If you and your husband can employ that I think things will get better. But it will take time, I would not go back now at all. If you do, everything will go back to how it was. You H needs to know that you are serious and you will not live with him under the current conditions.

The policy of Joint Agreement:
The Policy of Joint Agreement

The policy of joint agreement regarding blended families:
Blended Families #1

Here is a link to their basic concepts:
Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

No offense intended, but you are 9.5 years too late. Why did you remain married to a man who was mean to your children?? YOU are the one who is supposed to protect them!

Do your kids a favor and divorce him.


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## Littlegee (Jun 20, 2016)

I left him many times, each time he seemed a broken man and promised he would change. I guess that's the worst thing about verbal/emotional abuse. There's no definate line between normal keeping the kids in line an abuse and when it doesn't happen everyday you fall into a cycle. DefinAtely the biggest regret of my life.


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## DellaStreet (Jun 18, 2016)

Seven kids total? Yikes.


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## Littlegee (Jun 20, 2016)

Yes 7. But all amazingly fantastic young people so made all the hard work worthwhile ? The hardest part was the double standards my hb put in the family between his children and mine over the years. His inability to understand that yes, children needs to respect their parents but in our case there was a long road of him being disrespectful of them which has caused them to resent him. 
So tired of being in the middle of all the arguements and being yelled at for not backing him up when he is in the wrong and being unfair. And he has a go at me for standing up for my own child in front of her. If i don't stand up for her when she can hear it how will she ever know i stood up for her? 

His own daughter (18) spoke to me about how he loses his Sh!t with my kids so much easier than with his own kids. I feel like he moved into our home all those years ago and decided that it was all about HIS rules.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

A man who is mean to children isn't much of a man.


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## Littlegee (Jun 20, 2016)

You're right. And now apparently I'm not much of a mother because I'm only thinking of my 3 older children and not about our 4 yr old son who wants to come home. Honestly there's no solution to this problem, only a loser every way I turn


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

your youngest is 4...Of course he wants to go home. Its all he has known. But he will grow up in an VERY unhappy home. You are not being a bad mother to give your son another path, and as the parent YOU DECIDE what he needs. He needs a stable home. DO YOU HAVE THAT WITH HIS FATHER?

And there IS A SOLUTION to your problem. You just dont like it that much. Which is alright, you dont have to like the solution. You just need to take it. Like medicine.

And in Divorce...No one really WINS.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I don't know how old your other children are, but if you don't get them out of there, you risk them having deep resentment towards you.


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## Littlegee (Jun 20, 2016)

Thankyou for your replies. In my heart I know that I can no longer stay married to this man, for mine and my children's sanity. There is this issue and also trust issues stemming from his dishonesty and double standards (which is all in another post). He thinks there is still hope for him even though I have told him straight out I don't want to be married anymore. I don't think he sees much of an issue with his actions only saying "maybe if you hadn't pulled away from me I wouldn't have taken It out on the kids". I took that as him saying i was to blame for him putting us frustrations in the kids. He is right, I put a wall up after I found out he'd lied to me about something for years, but seriously what did he expect? I'm very black and white when it comes to honesty. Now just to find the strength to not fall for his guilt trips about our son or his trying to normalise the way he treated my children


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You've already allowed your older kids to be abused by him and you went ahead and had a kid with him knowing he was abusive to them. 

Very poor judgement and not fair to your older kids. 

You know what? If you go back and subject your older kids to more of this you're complicit in the abuse and your relationship with your kids will be damaged. 

It's probably already damaged but if you end it now you might be able to repair it. 

I'm sorry but your younger son having his dad full time doesn't justify allowing your daughters to be abused. If you buy into the guilt trips you've basically agreed that your daughters are less important. 

Think about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Littlegee said:


> Thankyou for your replies. In my heart I know that I can no longer stay married to this man, for mine and my children's sanity. There is this issue and also trust issues stemming from his dishonesty and double standards (which is all in another post). He thinks there is still hope for him even though I have told him straight out I don't want to be married anymore. I don't think he sees much of an issue with his actions only saying "maybe if you hadn't pulled away from me I wouldn't have taken It out on the kids". I took that as him saying i was to blame for him putting us frustrations in the kids. He is right, I put a wall up after I found out he'd lied to me about something for years, but seriously what did he expect? I'm very black and white when it comes to honesty.* Now just to find the strength not fall for his guilt trips about our son or his trying to normalise the way he treated my children*


*
He is mean to your kids.* There is no guilt trip that can trump that. This should be an absolute no brainer. What exactly keeps you so attached to this man?? You should be angry, VERY angry! Your motherly instincts should be in overdrive at this point. So why are you acting like you dont want to do this? The well being of your children is WAY more important than you keeping a lowlife husband.


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## Littlegee (Jun 20, 2016)

No, 'having a go' means he got angry at me verbally I guess, sorry it just a common term we use in Australia.

Well initially after we'd been together a year and he'd moved into my home I found out he'd had another g/f in Germany (whom he'd gone to visit for 6 weeks after we were together telling me he was staying with a male friend). This went on for about 4 months after we got together. So this took me many years to get over, and I kinda felt I had to get over it because he now owned half of my house. 

So anyhow about 3 years later he did a large job for a woman (and leased some equipment to her) who he said got his number from an ad he runs in a local newspaper. I thought I recognised her email address from his old hotmail contacts and when i asked him if he already knew her he accused me of being "effed" in the head and having trust issues. 

Fast forward a couple of years and the birth of our son, I found out it was actually a woman he used to hook up with casually right before we got together. Trust smashed to pieces once again. He thinks because it was so long ago I should just get over it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I'm not familiar with your other threads. Briefly, what is the other issue that he is dishonest about?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/339321-husband-dishonest-about-ex.html


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## Pinksapphire (Jun 18, 2016)

You have made the right choice leaving. It will be hard but worth the happiness it will bring your girls.


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## Littlegee (Jun 20, 2016)

i also have a son who is 15. I want him to grow up to treat his family with respect and kindness. I left his father due to domestic violence and then he has witnessed bullying from my husband. Not really the example of how a 'real man' behaves. He has said to me that he doesn't want to turn out like either of them.


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## Littlegee (Jun 20, 2016)

As far my financials things would be a little tight but would probably be able to buy a smallish home especially if I pick up an extra shift a week. Kicking myself though because me husband had nothing when we met and I had about 100k equity in my home. In Australia I don't think the court will take property owned prior to marriage into consideration


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Littlegee said:


> I left him many times, each time he seemed a broken man and promised he would change. I guess that's the worst thing about verbal/emotional abuse. There's no definate line between normal keeping the kids in line an abuse and when it doesn't happen everyday you fall into a cycle. DefinAtely the biggest regret of my life.


I just saw this post. I think you need to leave and make it stick. He promised to change and he did not. The whole "broken man" routine is not good enough. Where is his worry for your "broken kids?" Screw him. He's had over 9 years to get his act together for the sake of his family - this is their childhood he's destroying, they don't get a shot at another one.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Littlegee said:


> As far my financials things would be a little tight but would probably be able to buy a smallish home especially if I pick up an extra shift a week. Kicking myself though because me husband had nothing when we met and I had about 100k equity in my home. In Australia I don't think the court will take property owned prior to marriage into consideration


I know how that goes, but better to cut your losses now. If you're planning an exit, maybe you can squirrel away some of the joint money. I'd stealthily go talk to a lawyer. Good luck.


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