# How do I respond? Fitness test?



## Soupnutz (Jul 6, 2011)

My wife likes to tell me she's depressed or sad, but that she doesn't want to talk about it and totally clams up. When I'm home I try to get her to talk which usually just aggravates her so I tell her I'm sorry she feels that way and give her a hug.

Now I'm on deployment and every once in a while through email or on the occasion we talk on the phone, she tells me the same thing, she's depressed or sad, but not to ask because she doesn't want to talk about it.

How do I respond to this? She has to be looking for some kind of response or reaction or she wouldn't mention it, nothing I've done has been the right thing though.


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

I'm a pretty empathetic guy and if my wife was sad, I'd want to see what I could do to help. However, if every time she told me she was depressed and then insisted on not wanting to talk about it, I'd have to ask her, "Why do you keep telling me your depressed? I want to be there for you, I want to help, but this is clearly not what you want. In the future, I'd appreciate it if you kept it to yourself unless you want to talk about it." And then I'd let it go.


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## Hubby01 (Jul 5, 2011)

fredless said:


> I'm a pretty empathetic guy and if my wife was sad, I'd want to see what I could do to help. However, if every time she told me she was depressed and then insisted on not wanting to talk about it, I'd have to ask her, "Why do you keep telling me your depressed? I want to be there for you, I want to help, but this is clearly not what you want. In the future, I'd appreciate it if you kept it to yourself unless you want to talk about it." And then I'd let it go.


:smthumbup: uh huh.....that's all you can do


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

fredless said:


> I'm a pretty empathetic guy and if my wife was sad, I'd want to see what I could do to help. However, if every time she told me she was depressed and then insisted on not wanting to talk about it, I'd have to ask her, "Why do you keep telling me your depressed? I want to be there for you, I want to help, but this is clearly not what you want. In the future, I'd appreciate it if you kept it to yourself unless you want to talk about it." And then I'd let it go.


:iagree: Great post!


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Maybe she would feel more comfortable talking to a therapist?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

MGirl said:


> Maybe she would feel more comfortable talking to a therapist?


Exactly. And he shouldn't be her therapist anyway. 

Another thought is she's depressed because of you (deployment) and doesn't want to bring you down too. Either way she needs to stop bringing it up.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Exactly. And he shouldn't be her therapist anyway.
> 
> Another thought is she's depressed because of you (deployment) and doesn't want to bring you down too. Either way she needs to stop bringing it up.


Ditto. 

My first thought was that the reason she keeps bringing up the being sad and depressed up is because something is really bothering her and she *wants* to talk about it, but isn't sure if you're is the right one to talk to. She likely doesn't want to be a downer by dumping her problems on you, but doesn't realize how much it bothers you to keep hearing her bring it up, then clam up. It's her way of reaching out and trying to get help, but it's not an effective method. She obviously needs to talk to someone.


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## Soupnutz (Jul 6, 2011)

MGirl said:


> Ditto.
> 
> My first thought was that the reason she keeps bringing up the being sad and depressed up is because something is really bothering her and she *wants* to talk about it, but isn't sure if you're is the right one to talk to. She likely doesn't want to be a downer by dumping her problems on you, but doesn't realize how much it bothers you to keep hearing her bring it up, then clam up. It's her way of reaching out and trying to get help, but it's not an effective method. She obviously needs to talk to someone.



You were pretty much right MGirl. I wont get into the details. It was something she wanted to tell me but didn't know how. I got her on the phone and she broke down about it and told me everything.


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