# Thinking about leave my H because MlL



## cleantart (Jan 15, 2012)

I found this forum while looking for advise online for my situation, so let me tell you all my story:
I am 32 years old and H is 37 and been married for 5 years now. We both work and make enough money to keep up. When we first talked about moving in together I told him I would not move in without getting married because of my very traditonal catholic family, so he agreed and suggested that we moved in with his widow mother (he is also the only child). He moved back to her house after college and had been with her since then. Well by that time I was also waiting on an chance with my company to work abroad in a great project, so we decided to live with her since I was suppost to go away for a while. It turned out that my company took 2 years to send me abroad and I ended up in another country for 1 and half year. During this time he came and visited several times and stayed there with me for few months straight until I came back home. So I came back to my MIL house and here is where things get out of track, couple months after getting back to the States me and H talked and started looking for a rental, until we get able to buy our first place, then I went to talk to MIL and she took the news in a very bad way, she said I was getting beetween her and her son, that she was doing me a favor letting me live in her house, along other things, she cryed and threat to leave his name out of her will if he leaves the house etc... It was such a mad scene. She never raised her voice to me before and she did it when H was not at home. For my surprise she talked to him and she started acting like nothing ever happened, she even called me on the next day asking if I wanted her to pick up a pizza on the way home. Let me make it clear that she never apologized. And H talked to me and asked to give her a break and understand that she is getting old, and living with her at least we don't have to pay rent or live in a small apartament with no backyard (wich I don't mind at all), but I tried to make him understand that we pay for all the bills, water and sewage, cable, eletric, home gas, we buy all the food, we do all the cooking and cleaning. I don't feel like she is doing us any favors! Since then every little thing annoys me so much, she buys him with expensive gifts and kind of "brain washes" him, making him to believe that we need her to live. Having her around is killing our relationship and I am always depressed and in a bad mood. And my H doesn't understand me, he thinks I need to be moooore patient, and she loves us and all she wants is to connect with us. I don't feel interested sexually anymore, how can we get romantic with MIL sneezing in the next room??? There is days that I come home from work and just sit in my car in the driveaway delaying going in the house because she is at home. I talked to him so many times, but seeings like he is in a such confort zone, and don't want to bother moving out. I on the other hand am getting close to my breaking point, would love to start planning to have kids but would not dare in this situation. So I'm seriously thinking about packing what I can and leave this house and him behind. He is a sweet guy, but it is destroying all the love I feel for him. He knows I'm not happy here and does nothing about. 
What couple doesn't want to have their own house? I started to think that is not worth to put up with this, and the best solution will be divorce. 
Now please people tell me your sincere opinion.


----------



## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

It is a difficult situation and I can understand your frustration.
You are saying he refuses to do anything about the situation. Have you given him an ultimatum?
I get his point that he loves his mom and doesn't want to hurt her but he has to understand you two both need to be happy for the relationship to work. I bet he feels stuck between his mom and you but regardless he has a decision to make. You are his wife and your needs are important as well. It looks like you have to say honey I love you with all my heart but I cannot live like this any longer. Then let him decide what he is 
willing to do to make your marriage work. If he will not consider your feelings or make a long term plan then it's time to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cleantart (Jan 15, 2012)

Thank you for sharing your oppinion Cogo123.
During one of our most recent conversation about this subject I told H that I was going to hold on until march, when we are suppost to be receiving our tax refund, I was planning to put the money towards a place for us. But I feel like he doesn't get it, He doesn't see anything wrong. It is just so hard, we can't have a conversation without having a third set of ears in the house. Or should we discuss this matter loud enough so she can hear? We never argue when she is around, we wait until we have a chance alone. It had been cases when we left the house to get a discussion. My MIL is not the easy kind, she is full of confidence, she has a sucessfull career, drives an expensive car e her boyfriend is way younger than her. I have the feeling that she knows exactly how to get what she wants.
I'm lost in the woods!!!!


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I don't see how you can convince your husband to leave mama. She is playing the guilt card, and he refuses to put you first, as a husband should.

I don't usually recommend ultimatums and divorce, but I think in your case you need to tell your husband that when a man marries, he leaves his family and cleaves to his wife. 

It is so sad that your MIL is doing this to her son. She should be supporting his happiness instead of using guilt to selfishly keep him around. You could try counseling; perhaps a third party telling him this will wake him up. Do not have children until this is resolved.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'd tell him he has until March to help you two find a place and use that money for it.
If in March he isn't on board use the money to get your own place.



_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So your MIL has a full life. Sure she likes you there if you pay all the bills. 

March is not that long off. Perhaps you just need to find a place to rent in March and move out. Either he will move with you or he won't. My bet is that he will follow once his mother starts to put her claws into him.


----------



## LizLolly (Oct 20, 2011)

Reading your story is like looking into my own situation at the moment! I'm going through the EXACT same situation and circumstances as you! How uncanny

EVERYTHING you have mentioned I have felt EXACTLY the same! For me, it's been almost a year of living under the same roof- just the 3 of us. Meals together, then walks together, weekend lunches together, I just do not know where to go or what to do!

All I can say is...this arrangement we are in will never work for the long-term. For the short-term, we can temporarily hold ourselves in and just try to live day by day, but in the Long-run, it will certainly damage your marriage in many ways.

Well, it looks like you and H need to have a BIG talk. A very serious talk about how you feel and the impact that the situation has had on you and what impact it will continue to have on you and him. He needs to decide what to do and you as well. If he won't do anything or can't do anything, then you really need to think about what you can do for yourself....maybe leaving is the only way ...but that should be a last resort if you and H can npt work out some arrangement. I wish u all the best and my god! I understand everything you are going through. All the best!


----------



## capricorngirl_99 (Feb 7, 2012)

I must say that I know how you feel except sadly, I am in your husband's shoes right now. My mom however, did let me move out of her house in with my fiance, but that didn't mean that her guilt trips didn't begin. I lived 6 hours away from my mom at one point and she whined and cried about how little she got to see me, and yet she never, ever made a trip down there. We recently moved 2 hours away from my family now and she still manages to do that crap with me. 

However, unlike your husband, I put my foot down with her though because I am 28 years old and I have a right to live my own life now. I basically told her to get over herself and if she wanted to see me, to come visit me. Alas, that never happened, but you get the point. 

Long story short: your husband needs to leave mommy and not let her guilt trips get in her way. She needs to realize that he is 37 years old and that it is way past time to have his own life. I would give him an ultimatum first before I went as drastically as divorcing him. But he needs to put YOU first, not his mother. And if he can't do that, then he isn't worth having around in my opinion.


----------



## capricorngirl_99 (Feb 7, 2012)

Sorry if that sounded harsh, but it is true. You need to put him on the spot and make him choose between you and his mother. If he chooses the latter, then as much as it hurts me to say this, you are much better off without someone who won't put your feelings first.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Did you tell your husband all those things she said to you? And then pretended she'd said and done nothing? If so, what was his reaction? Did he have words with his mother for speaking with u in that way? If you haven't told him, why not? You should. See what his reaction is. His loyalties, as your husband, should lie with you. 

His mother loves herself more than her son. If she loved him she would put his happiness 1st. His happiness does not involve her splitting her son's marriage up and making threats to his wife.

Also, it is very interesting her having toy boy, flash car etc. And you pay for all, clean cook etc. Sounds like she is getting a free ride, financial support so she can have more fun, and my gosh who wdn't want to cling on to that at everyone else's expense eh? 

She sounds vile. Get rid in whichever form it takes. Sooner rather than later.


----------



## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

Don't take this the wrong way, I'm not the subtle type.

Why the hell would an almost 40 year old man even WANT to live with his Mother?

And it seems like it's only lasted this long, because you haven't been there the whole time (overseas with work).

Really?

I just don't get that.


----------

