# 6 weeks separated- He can't remember anything good/nice in 17 years together!!!



## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

Hi guys. H moved out 6 weeks ago and we both agreed that was a trial separation. Basically he cheated on me 12 months ago and naturally things went pear shaped when I discovered by logging in his fb account in Jan 2013 and read his chats with this ****. Yes I did forgive him but that never meant the pain and humiliation went away from my perspective therefore H couldn't cope with a number of triggers; a bit naive thinking that everything would go back to where how things were prior to the affair. 2 weeks after he had moved out we had a chat( I admit that was too early for the chat; error on my behalf) and I asked him whether he had been thinking about our situation and his reply was he was too busy in work; no time to think!!! So, six weeks now and tonight I asked him the same question, the reply was not really as there is not much to think about however he's thought about our kids long term. I further asked him if he misses anything from home, no he doesn't miss/remember anything good/nice in 17 years together and he doesn't miss the bad atmosphere and my sarcasm( well even to the stupid girl like me the message is very clear so here we go)We've had good holidays together, entertain friends and family, supported him when things went terribly bad financially; put my neck on the line to enable him to work after he went bankrupt and of course all the mess is with me now. Fair enough he is contributing financially but apart from that I'm still the one who is negotiating with creditors, receiving red letters etc, yes I've accepted that's the way it is so i just have to get on with it. All I'm asking from him is to be honest and straight with me; is there some hidden agenda/long term decisions been made and he's told me tonight that he's been honest and certainly has made no long term decisions. I believe him but I'm hurt a bit to hear/learn that he can't remember anything good over 17 years but somehow I feel pleased as well because I think the message is very clear therefore I can deal with the situation accordingly; don't think he's working on saving our marriage! Perhaps I'm wrong and stand to be corrected. We also discussed our house, I said I wouldn't want to sell the house as I see it as an investment and more importantly our kids home. Yes we are struggling with our mortgage and we are in arrears but I've spoken to the mortgage provider and they have put a plan in place allowing us to catch up. My parents are helping again as they have been doing over the years. H pointed out that he might not want this house to be his home which is fair enough and also pointed out its a joint mortgage so it's not easy to take somebody out of the mortgage these days. I think I know what he means here but I wonder if the loving, caring, dedicated dad would see it as one of his roles to make sure that his kids are ok; he owes these kids so much!! Still can't explain what happened to our kids bank account that their child benefits used to be paid in plus some occasional cheques from my Aunty to our kids. I apologise for this long threat but I think tonight I feel so much stronger and my head is clearer therefore I'm able to write and it's my first time to let a steam out. I think I've bottled in too much trying to be strong and I haven't told anyone the full story. Thanks to forums like this one.

H has suggested that we try having a god Xmas and discuss all these after. Well, we had a horrible Xmas last year but the kids were protected so they are not aware that 2012 Xmas was rubbish therefore o can't see why we can't do the same; I would rather have another crap Xmas if it means better start of 2014. The kids will have a good time be because we will/must make sure of it. I just don't want prolong the pain, stress when/if we are not working on saving our marriage.

Thanks guys for reading this and I will appreciate your comments, advices, suggestions.


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## Onthefenc (Dec 11, 2013)

If you want to keep the house, perhaps you can negotiate that he pay the mtg, you keep the house, and him get out of alimony. 

If you are trying to reconcile, my suggestion is counseling, then show him how well you can get along without him. Start going out with friends. Give him what he thinks he wants. Dont get emotional. Keep it biz like. Nothing gets a man to cone back like jealousy. Im not saying get a bf. im just saying live a little.


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

Thanks onthefenc. I think he knows that I can survive without him. As for the house, I'm thinking of negotiating with him as you have suggested. I think I can afford to pay the mortgage once we caught up with arrears but I couldn't afford to buy him out if he wants his 50%.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry Kindone,

He is in the fog still from my vantage point and rewriting history to ease his own guilt.

Work on yourself. Do the 180 to prepare yourself for whatever your future ends up being.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

Thanks Stretch. U hit a nail on the head there! I did suspect there was an element of re-writing history, how low of him! Actually, it's only the other day he said he wanted what we had before this crap he brought into my life that I only discovered 11 months ago so you are bang on, this twit is talking through his back side. 180 techniques it is then for me as from now!!! I'm more than ready to start. Could you please tell me more about the techniques, I don't know much I've only seen it being referred to by many people in this forum. H was once a man with principles, brought shoulders but hey people can change obviously!


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Based on the contents of the book Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner-Davis. Reading the book will be most helpful but this is something to give you a flavor for the strategy.

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------
For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

That's great Stretch. Thank you very much.


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