# 11 year relationship was good, got married..now miserable



## cute_grrl (Jul 4, 2009)

Please help me, as I have no idea what to do or where we/he/I went wrong...is it right to be miserable in marriage after 6mos?

My husband and I have been together for 11 years (as boyfriend-girlfriend) and have loved each other a lot prior to getting married. I was his first gf and he was my 2nd but we started out as very good friends and then eventually fell in love during college. Well, to clarify, he was a good friend who I fell in love with, made a move on him and then eventually he fell in love with me too. He and I have been very happy and have never broken apart during that whole period even though we've had our ups and downs and had fights that were bad but never physical. 

I have been aware from the time we were dating that he had a fetish for massages...and for threesomes (for which he has expressed interest in but has never tried) and he loved porn - a LOT. Well, so did I...and one thing I thought that was great about our relationship is that we're both very open about discussing those things. We were also sexually active during our bf-gf years and while he and I were both younger and I guess, in a manner of speaking, more "attractive" during those years, sex was really frequent and it was no problem to get each other turned on. Truthfully speaking, I am myself interested in threesomes and also told him during those early years that I was interested in being sexually adventurous (i.e. threesomes, lesbian partner ---all because of curiosity but we've both never done anything of that sort).

During our 10th year together, he decided he wasn't ready to get married and so, being in his "exploratory stage", he dated a girl who was a "masseuse" and he broke up with me and got her as his gf. They lasted for 3 months and he started missing me and asked to have me back. I was moving on with my life fine without him but when he started to love me again and really started to treat me like his queen, I forgave him and agreed to marry him a year later.

Now, its been 6 months into our marriage and we have been fighting very frequently. Many people tell me its an "adjustment phase" but our fights start really very small and escalate so easily. Also, he's been hurting me physically, slapping me, pushing me and also verbally abusing me as well. I've never seen that side of him in our 11-year relationship and I am confused and saddened by that change in him. I don't even know what triggers it (admittedly, I can be very pushy...but have been that way since before...he's never hurt me before and so I'm left to wonder why it's almost 2nd nature for him to hit me whenever we have a bad argument).

To make things worse, he has been insistent in pursuing the threesome sexual fantasy of his. Although that interested me before, I am afraid that this would threaten our already fragile marriage. I told him that I was hesitant to do that with him and now he's refusing me in bed and I've been so humiliated many, many times when he's refused my advances. He's taken a liking also to just getting "home-service massages" and to me, it's like he'd rather be "touched" by other women, than by me! I don't know if he's only being stubborn about the threesome issue...or if he's just no longer attracted to me anymore.

I am soooooooo miserable in this marriage and I can't even talk to him about our problems. It's like I'm perenially waling on eggshells around him and I try my best not to anger him or to do anything that would tick him off, but nonetheless, his mood swings, and also the lack of love, respect and love-making in our marriage is making me regret going back to him and being married to him. 

I really need an objective opinion on this matter and what do you think I should do? I know it takes two people to work a marriage out, but something tells me that I'm the only one pulling his own weight here. I need your advice please...thank you so much for your time...


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I have been aware from the time we were dating that he had a fetish for massages...and for threesomes (for which he has expressed interest in but has never tried) and he loved porn - a LOT. 
_____________________________
You married him, so this will be a part of your marriage. His persuing sexual fantasies should be of no surprise to you.
I think from what you wrote, you should go back to how you were before you were married and be a part of all his fantasies since that is what the relationship was built on. This is not the time for you to change ( after marriage).


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## shawn3497 (Jul 3, 2009)

Hi, you need to bail if he is hurting you physically, I am a man and a real man never ever lays a hand on a woman, It sounds like their may be some control issues in the relationship as well, if you ever want to talk email me [email protected] I am here for you


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You are being physically abused, so get out. Something has changed and you cannot address it within an abusive marriage. Please, remember, violence escalates--maybe slowly, maybe not slowly. You need to stop accepting any blame for his behavior (just b/c you are "pushy," doesn't excuse him hitting you). If by pushy, you meant physically pushy, then you need to address the fact that you are physically abuse, too, but he has gone further and you are more at risk. Get out then ask for help.


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## cute_grrl (Jul 4, 2009)

Preso: I would like to do so, however, my concern is that he could get "addicted" to these sexual fantasies...and given his refusal to be with me in bed, I am wary that this may just prompt him to be adulterous and really just leave our marriage in a sham.

Shawn397: Thank you for your kind advice and offer. 

Sisters359: Yes, in a way, I agree that this can't go on. I am considering counselling for the both of us...or maybe do some "self-therapy" in our marriage (maybe we're both just in a rut and need some time alone to rekindle our love and friendship)...I am not giving up for now, on our marriage given that it is still a fresh thing. I have heard from some friends that it takes around a year or two to get used to living together. 11 years as bf-gf is a lot different...and I acknowledge that there are frictions that cannot be avoided when you live together. I just hope that with the "remedies" I mentioned, we can finally live a good married life. I don't want things to still be this way when we finally do start our family. Thanks once again for your advice...


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

cute_grrl said:


> Preso: I would like to do so, however, my concern is that he could get "addicted" to these sexual fantasies...and given his refusal to be with me in bed, I am wary that this may just prompt him to be adulterous and really just leave our marriage in a sham.
> 
> ..


I'd say he was addicted long ago and my guess is.. he wishes he had the adventurous woman he once had back.

I will say I am not a fan or porn and I myself, would never married anyone this way much less dated them, but you did and that women he once had, is what he wishes he had back as I'm sure now he is ready to act out some of those fantasies
because he has the trust and bond of marriage to make him more secure to do so.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

He has abused you. Physically and emotionally. Time to leave. There is NOTHING to fix here. He is damaged and will not change. Leave before you get pregnant. He has crossed the line. When he left you for the other honey he should have stayed gone. Your relationship has changed and not for the better. Tops on my list for my next partner is RESPECT. You're not getting that from your husband and I'm afraid never will.


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## cute_grrl (Jul 4, 2009)

Yes, I know that I am not getting the love nor respect I deserve in this marriage...but here in my country, there is no such thing as divorce, only legal separation or annulment...I don't know how to move on with anything since I haven't told my parents about what I'm going through...I am afraid they'd beat him up and/or have him arrested for hurting me. 

I just spoke to my husband earlier after a fight we had (I got pissed when he refused to make love to me)...and what he told me was that he just doesn't like me "ruining his fantasy" (when I had expressed that I was uncomfortable pursuing a threesome with him). Do men really get mad over that? I found that a weird reaction/comment.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Why, why, why do people get married?!?!?

I see so many posts that a wonderful sex/life stops after that little piece of paper is signed! 

I'm convinced...I'll never get married (again), just continue to date/fu.k! 

Just live together. Have all the fun/sex you can! 

As for his fantasy...dump him and let him find it himself! You get yours...

Let them beat him up! There's no reason a husband shouldn't respect his wife (or vice versa). If he won't treat you right, then he deserves what he gets. 

Sorry...I just don't get it! If you love someone enough to marry them, why do you change after the paper is signed?!?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

dcrim said:


> Sorry...I just don't get it! If you love someone enough to marry them, why do you change after the paper is signed?!?




:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

I know I get discouraged when I hear after marriage some couples relationship changes. Mine only got better, and that's after 6 years living together. We were together for 10 years after marriage. But then last year my ex lost his mind and that's another story.  After the separation I said "never AGAIN will I marry." But then I think I LOVED being a wife, a partner and having a husband. I most likely will remarry but not for a while and after much scrutiny and choosing wisely on my part. Any red flags in the beginning and they're gone.  I also know I want to be in a position to be the BEST wife and partner I can be. I want someone holding my hand when I'm old, gray and sick who loves me just as much as I love them. :smthumbup:


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

1nurse...that's what I want, too...someone whose hand I can hold, someone I would love unconditionally, someone who would love me...sigh...won't be next week/month, whatever.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Hang in there dcrim! All good things come to those who wait and do their homework.  I have had patients who have remarried into their 80's!!! Some days I feel kind of bummed I'm alone but compared to what I put up with in the last few months of my marriage I'd take it anyday. I know I'll find my happiness whatever that is one day. In general I'm a pretty happy go lucky person anyway.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I'm hanging, 1nurse.  You, too! 

I've been alone for a long time...but I'd prefer not to be.


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## cute_grrl (Jul 4, 2009)

Thank you so much for all your honest opinions and kind advice...

I am considering getting counselling first then somehow persuade my husband to do the same...if only to deal with the issues that make him react that way to me. The reason I don't really want to give up on this so early is that we have been the bestest of friends for 12 years and have loved each other so much..maybe we're just soooo aware of each other's buttons and make it a point to push there when peeved. 

I'm just tired of dealing with a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde persona of his...he's one of the nicest and sweetest men I know...but when it comes to our arguments *whew!* he's an AS*HOLE!!!


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

cute_grrl

Don't ever under any circumstances let a man hit you.

Don't ever under any circumstances let a man hit you.

Don't ever under any circumstances let a man hit you.

Don't ever under any circumstances let a man hit you.

I'm going to say this again

DON't EVER LET A MAN HIT YOU

I am a father of four(4) girls, my oldest is 20, I've taught them all their life to never let anyone hit them.

I have never, nor will I ever hit a woman.

The restraint is either in you as a man or it is not.

It may start out small, it will escalate into a fist, then objects.

If he has this type of behavior it will escalate into violence.

Get out 

Get OUT

GET OUT


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## Sunny1 (Jul 16, 2009)

I know that after such a long relationship it's tough to thnk about leaving him, but you need to get out and now! Find a shelter for abused women, even though you may have a home to live in, they will have counselors that deal with everything and yes I mean EVERYTHING that you've discussed...starting with the physical abuse.

Healing will take time, but if you leave him now, years from now you'll be patting yourself on the back for the fresh start and new lease on life that you've given yourself...trust me...been there.

You deserve better.


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## Nobody123 (Jun 23, 2009)

A guy crossed the line when he hit a woman. You need to get the heck of there before he really hurts you bad. No matter how good he was before, this dark side of him cannot be tolerated. People will not change. He hits you now and things will only get worse. 

Tell your family what happens and let them beat the sh*t out of him. I have no respect for any man who would hit a woman. You need to dump him as soon as possible.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

outinthecold said:


> cute_grrl
> 
> Don't ever under any circumstances let a man hit you.
> 
> ...


QFT. Truer words have never been spoken. Counseling is not going to work. I've seen this too many times to count. You have only one option. Get the hell out.


John


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

I agree completely with everyone who said GET OUT!!!! 

I spent 9 years trying to fix my marriage with an abusive man. It was a waste of time....he got a little better, he got worse, he leveled off....but the bottom line was I could not trust him to never do it again. He is now on wife 3 (I was #1) and is still having problems...he has made many improvements, but he still has issues...way too many issues. 

I knew I should leave after 3 days of marraige, but did not feel that was an option (I come from a very religious background)....years of misery....years of ME trying....4 kids...him arrested twice for domestic violence....nothing I tried ever made a difference....the arrests didn't make a difference...money didn't make a difference...new town didn't help...years of counseling didn't help....NOTHING HELPED!!! 

GET OUT!!! And whatever you do DON"T GET PREGNANT!!!


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Talk to him. Tell him EXACTLY what you said here. What you are feeling and why. It will most likely not make a difference, but you will KNOW for yourself that you tried. Once you see that you have bared your heart and he won't change, it will be easier for you to leave. 

Or, a miracle might happen and he might actually see what he's doing and change. I've seen it happen both ways.


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## cute_grrl (Jul 4, 2009)

Thank you so much for your words of support and encouragement....I truly appreciate all your concern and the soundadvice that you've given me.

It's been a few months after our fights, and somehow things are better. It has been a whole month since our last fight and even if we do get into disagreements, our fights have not been abusive...both verbal nor physical. I am very thankful for this new improvement in our relationship.

Yet, I am dreading the next "episode" where it'll all happen again. Somehow, with God's grace, he is a lot more loving and nurturing these days. I don't know what triggered the change...but I am just enjoying the peace. 

I did some research on the internet about abusive behavior...and there is a condition called "Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome" wherein people can suddenly "snap" and turn violent. I know there is no excuse for this kind of behavior but I'm left to wonder is this what's (or what was - - - at least, I hope) plaguing our marriage.

Again...thank you so much...


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## jivey (Jun 18, 2009)

cute_grrl,

Please don't let him hit you again. Leave and call the cops or call someone to slap him around.
I wish I was your Big Brother. He wouldn't hit you again


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