# Wife admitted to flirting over text



## Suoni (Jul 18, 2011)

Hello everyone,

Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope I can get some help with some things I have on my mind.

Alright so a little about me and my background. I am 25 years old, been married for 4 years. Out of the 4 years I have been on 3 six month deployments (military.) My wife is 30 years old and was a very social girl before marriage. She says that she was surprised she fell in love with me so fast and committed because she wasn't much of a long term type girl. I'm not too familiar with these forums and all the jargon that everyone posts with two letters (ie EA, PA, OM, whatever else there is, so please bare with me)

Anyway on to my story... My first deployment was probably the hardest for us, we had little contact and and I was a on ship most of the time. Despite the hard time nothing happened as far as infidelity or anything. My second deployment was last year from March to September. Before I left we had hired a contractor to do some renovations on the house and he seemed like a pretty nice guy. She was pretty bored and asked me if was ok if they just hung out since she really didn't have anyone else to hang with. In my mind I didn't really mind because there was never any reason for me never to trust her. She asked if it was ok for him to come over and chill. I was wary but allowed it. She told me a month later that when he came over he sat next to her close and put his hand on her leg. She got up and told him to leave. When she told me this I asked what made him think it was ok for him to his hand on her leg. She confessed that they have been flirting over the phone via text. She also told me that she told him they could no longer talk and that his work was finished at our home.

I was pretty upset about this and took me a few months to stop thinking about it, and eventually forgetting about it. Well here I am again on deployment (right now) and just a week a go she confessed that she had flirted with a man over text. One of her clients. I asked what they said and she refused to tell me. So I waited a few days and looked into her google search history. It was there that I found an entry that said "hiding details about sexting from husband" and the link that she clicked on was about how sexting destroys your marriage. I couldn't believe that she was hiding something from me. The same day when she woke up I asked her right off the about the texting and what was in the texts. I asked her about "sexting" and she acted dumb like she didn't know what the word sexting was. (even though she had typed the word into the search bar) I told her to stop lying and tell me the truth.

She eventually told me that she had a picture of her topless that she took in the mirror for me just a few days before still on her phone. She compulsively just sent the photo not feeling guilty, and once it was gone she said she instantly felt regret, like she really wanted to die. She felt so bad about it that she had to tell me that she flirted with another man. I asked her why she was trying to hide the fact that she sent him a photo topless, and she replied I was afraid you were going to divorce me and I didn't want to hurt you more. I proceeded to ask her about the first time she did this last year, and asked if she had sent him pics as well. She said no and I believe her. She said they never had physical contact and she would never let it get that far. She said she was just looking for compliments and was teasing him.

When I'm home I know that nothing ever happens because shes always home when I'm home and she never acts weird with her phone or emails. I have no suspicion of cheating. I believe her in that she would never cheat.

So I'm now very obsessed with what she is looking at in google search's. I went in and started looking up words like "Cheating, affairs, emotional, sex, sexting, infidelity etc etc." I didn't find any searches pertaining to those except I did find some searches that said "I'm bored in my marriage" I'm married but thinking of someone else" and the dates were listed as last month (june) I found out the name of this man and saw that she had just visited his twitter account on the 11th of July. We first started talking about it around that date... I can't remember. 

Anyway, I feel pretty betrayed and I don't feel like I can trust her right now. I find myself searching her google history everyday just to see what she looked up. I'm just glad I didn't find anything on divorce, infidelity or affairs. Because then I would really be worried.

What should I do? I plan on going to marriage councelling together when I get back home in September. But what should I do in regards to the google search history? I also found some very questionable things that I dont really want to talk about publicly and these things just make my stomach churn...


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## peridot78 (Jul 18, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this. Although, I may not be able to offer great advice if any, I'm about to post my story in this forum and maybe it can give some insight as to what she may be feeling as I am a woman who seems to be in her shoes or somewhat similar. To me, it sounds like she's lonely. Feel free to comment on my thread once it's up.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

The acronyms can be confusing.
EA - emotional affair
PA - physical affair
OM - other man
OW - other woman

I know it's very hard for you being deployed. Standard advice either doesn't apply, or will be difficult to implement. But, she has gone too far. Texting leads to sexting, which leads to sex.

I know she has admitted to texting, and then later sexting. This is called trickle-truth (TT). She is admitting only to what she thinks you can find out about and leaving out the parts she thinks you can't.

I saw a great line on Athol's blog (Married Man Sex Life) about just this kind of situation. "If you're boring, she's whoring." Most of the time, that means the couple follows the same routine every night or week (it's meat loaf Wednesday). Women crave excitement and drama. If you can't provide that, she'll get it somewhere else. It's obviously hard for you to be exciting when you're gone. She needs to recognize that and suppress her urges while you're away.

You need to put your foot down on other men. Not only must there be no flirting/sexting. There should be no one-on-one, non-business contact. Obviously, a handyman can be in the house fixing something. But when the job is done, the handyman leaves. If your wife needs friends, she needs girlfriends. And not the kind of girlfriends that take her to singles clubs for girls' night out.

If she wants to sext, she can sext with you. If she wants added excitement, give her some homework while you're gone. Tell her to send you pictures or messages from unusual places or doing unusual things.

If you were here, I would suggest using a voice-activated recorder (VAR) under her car seat to look for evidence of affairs. You could also put spyware on her phone to track her movement via GPS and get copies of her texts on your phone. You may want to do that when you get back. As it is, I would keep checking her Google history and don't tell her you are. She can just cover her tracks if she knows you're watching.

You should tell her that you want access to her email/Facebook/etc. You can check her messaging history and she will know that you will be watching that.

Good luck.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Like PT said---this kind of stuff has to stop

Your wife is messing around everytime you leave------problem, is she just keeps on cheating, and you arn't there to do anything about it

She knows what she is doing is wrong from the git-go, yet she keeps fooling around on you-----and who knows what she really has done with these guys---your not there, and she is a proven liar, who sets no boundaries for herself!!!!-----I don't know how you can deal with this, if you are gonna be away all the time

You can set boundaries, but will she stay within them----Does she work, does she have hobbies, does she have GF's---Is there anything for her to do, when you are gone---and she is alone for long periods of time


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## DG3 (Jul 13, 2011)

I am so sorry. When I say I know how you feel I truly do. My husband sent pictures to someone, he had an emotional attachment to her, he sexted. All that. I, too am obsessed with checking search history and text/phone messages. I'm only a week into it so I don't know when it gets better. It's your choice if you want to leave or stay, but please know that they really don't change. They will promise they will, but the trust is destroyed. You will always be checking history, always. I hope you can find some peace. We all feel your pain.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Get a keylogger. Some will transmit the info to an email so you don't have to be there. Start checking phoen and data records for recurring numbers. Get into MC and her into IC now. I can tell you love her and want to stay with her. Start rebuilding your trust by verifying her actions. If she ahs an iphone, you can read deleted texts from it and there is a service free from apple called find my iphone you can use to see where she is. Stay in contact my good friend. Just beware there are numerous people here that push divorce and say things that will raise your fear higher. Ignore them and follow your head and heart and don't leave this forum just because of them. Work it out with her as best you can. A good site for insight is beyondaffairs.com. Click the seminars tab then look for the words teleseminars on the upper right and click on them. Listen to some of them. there is a lot of selig of services but some really good info and guidance. Keep in touch. You can always private message me (PM).


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Having been on deployments in my military career I feel for you dude. 

When you are far away you are totally isolated. It is hard to be exciting and there for your wife when you are onboard a ship for six months at a time. So while the Athol stuff is pure gold it is more than difficult when you are on the other side of the world.

First off, it is *never* ok for your wife to hang out with any guy when she is lonely. Any guy. Any guy. Got that? No exceptions. Not some nice guy working on your house. OMG. Especially not that guy. 

We are not talking about some SAHM here. We are talking about a woman married to a guy in the military who leaves for six months at a time and cannot be there for her. He does not come home at night. He is not coming home for six months ... and then he may be extended for a longer time. In between deployments there are often mini deployments. Any woman no matter how faithful she feels she is cannot hang around male friends while her husband is gone. This is just too much to ask. 

She does not need male friends. She needs marriage friendly female friends. Handling deployments is way more stressful than anyone could possibly imagine who has not had to deal with them. They have no idea the stress it puts on marriages.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

the sexting is of course very bad. The picture is way bad. So now this guy feels he has the go ahead with her.

You say this is her client. What does she do? Does she see this guy in person, or has all of this been remote stuff?


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Dude, you need to have a real come-to-Jesus talk with your wife. Sexting and sending topless pics IS cheating, pure and simple, and she must stop ALL of it, or you are history. There is NO excuse for what she has done.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It's obvious that military marriages require especial people willing to put their relationship on hold while fighting not only for their own lives but avoiding the temptation of an affair(s). Frankly speaking your wife is on a path of eventually having an affair - if she hasn't had one already. You need to sit dotwn with her and have a heart to heart talk about whether to continue being married or not.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Haze Gray and underway, it's Jody's time to play. It was bad when I was in. A successful military marriage must be hard to come by with Facebook, email and text messages.


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## Suoni (Jul 18, 2011)

Thank you all for the replies! I know a lot of people are saying ditch her or some negative things, but I'm in this marriage for the long run and feel like divorce isn't an option at this point. We've had a few heart to heart talks since I've posted this and even saw an on base marriage therapist. They have some great resources here on base.

Anyway, my wife is a massage therapist, I know some of you are going crazy right now after saying that, but she is strictly professional. She runs her own business and make it very clear that she doesn't do any type of sensual massage. She's a girl that grew up in a large Mormon family and is very religious. She loved flirting in high school and it was something she enjoyed. She asked me if it was ok to do in call for a client. I asked who it was and she promptly gave me his name and information. It turns out he was a major street motorcycle stunter. So I was like whatever, no big deal. Well it was like a month after that, that she told me she had flirted, and instantly I knew it was him. 

I asked her more questions about what had happened and details. I asked her if he ever sent her pics as well. She said she did, but the second she saw it she deleted it because the whole texting wasn't about her looking for sexual things, she just liked the chase. She liked leading him on to think something was going to happen then she would shut him down (or at least) that's how she explained it to me.) Anyway, we've come to a conclusion and have started the healing process. I told her NO MORE GUYS ALONE EVER. I also told her no more flirting ever again, it stops now. I said that if she does this again that I won't be able to handle a third time and that our marriage was basically going to end. She was very sincere and told me that she would NEVER go as far as to cheat on me (physically.) I think in her mind she justifies this as not cheating, but in my mind that was definitely an EM.

I'm still a little confused about a few things, for one this time around I didn't want the samething happening like last year, so I made it a goal to send her something that was going to keep her excited and wanting more. I sent her a hand made bookmark that was made completely of photos of us from the bottom to top it was the beginning of our relationship to now. Then a month later I made her a hand made book that was 84 pages long tell her all the things I loved about her. I made it a point to keep her swept off her feet while I was away. And she still did this...

I looked at her searches and found searches like "I'm bored in my marriage" and "I'm married but thinking of someone else" "thinking of someone while husband deploy" "feeling emotionally numb" "no emotions" "not missing husband while deployed" I also saw that she searched this guys name and visited his twitter page 11 times. Now mind you, she did the searches all in one day and then never again, and all the searches she searched she clicked on pages about help for these things. She was feeling guilty I'm sure. I also looked for things like Affair, sex, cheating, infidelity, unfaithful, divorce and some others I can't think of right now but they all came back with nothing. This tells me that she hasn't had an affair physically or she would have brought her guilty conscious back to the google and started searching.

Sorry if I mentioned this last part in the previous post.

I'm just wondering why she did it again even though I was giving her much more attention then last time. Was I giving too much attention? 

I'll admit that there were some factors on my side that may have attributed to her feeling bored in our marriage. I have a slight addiction to gaming and sometimes find myself playing games for hours on end when I am home. I realized this last time and cut down my gaming by a ton! I wouldn't play games nearly as much. Also this last turn around was very short compared to the first time I was on deployment. It was a six month turn around. so 6 months in, 6 months out. 

I've decided that I'm done gaming and wasting my time with things that don't matter. So I'm selling my computer and my games. I'm getting rid of my simulator stuff and just ready to come home and give her the attention that she wants (needs). I also told her to change her Gmail password because she told me that she felt like everything she did was being monitored and that she felt smothered. I want to give her the freedom and let her know that I trust her when she said she was done and that she would never do it again. My therapist said that if I didn't let her feel like I trusted her that it would drive her to continue this kind of behavior. 

Thoughts?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Being away like you are the biggest thing for her is two things- feeling disconnectedbecuase of the distance and lack of face to face communication and the boredom comes from not having enough to do socially and too much time on her hands. The face to face can be helped if you have the resources in your deployment. Skype is great and when you add in a couple of quality web camsthat are either wireless or with long cords you can do some great personal communication. It takes a decent bandwidth connection to handle high quality video. If there is wireless on your base, find out what level the router is. AN N class router is significantly higher in bandwidth than a 802.11 G band. Three things make wireless perform - the router itself like I described, the antenna on the router - standard omidirectional attennas are not that great, and finally the receiver in the computer. Having travelled internationally extensively, I did three things to make sure my WIFI signal was always at the top - the best throughput. I carried my own 802.11 dual bandwidth N router. People with G band computers can still connect. The dual bandwidth allows simultaneous reception and transmission on both frequencies - 2.4 and 5.2 GHZ which doubles throughput to N band receiver. Make sure the one you select has external antennas and antenna plugs. There are two ways to improve the antennas. One is to buy an outdoor antenna and cable - the best. The second is to add a parabolic refelectoryou make yourself to focus theoni directional signal into a cone aimed where you are. The template is available at freeantennas.com Use the EZ12 The last thing you can do is buy an external USB N adapter with a cord and make a similar reflector for it to focus the incoming signal. You may have to "help" your IT person on base wiht his or her own N adapter to get them to use it.

WIth good wifi you can use great video on skype. I have a pair of logitech pro 9000 usb webcams That are corded. Wireless is better, just watch the video quality. Armed with both you can now have face to face calls free. You can also take the cameras into a private area and let your mind go dirty with what you can do!

On the boredom part, is there anything she could get involved with that she enjoys. Sports, coaching kids sports, volunteering to help at church or school or hospital events? Something to keep the idle hands of the devil form coming into play that woudl also give a sense of reward.
ALso social support groups or friends (girls) she can hook up with and make her set it up as a regualr date with them (not a dance club girls night out).
Definitely define what is acceptable and not acceptable for communications with other men. No girls night out in dance clubs, no perusing chat rooms or chat rooms on game sites, never any conversations about eprsonal matters or your relationship. Politely telling someone you are getting to eprsonal to avoid it turning personal or flirting, etc.

I think you caught it early enough. You can let her have her own password. However, do put on a remote send keylogger so you can rebuild your trust and do check the phone records. Just don't ever reveal anything you find. You can also install cell phone spy software that can send copies of texts, emails etc. If she has an Iphoen, there are simple free things you can do see where she is and a way to remotely grab the back up files from syncing and read deleted and saved texts.

Keep us updated. If you need motre info on the things I described, let me know.


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## Suoni (Jul 18, 2011)

Thanks for the long and informative post. I too am very tech savvy and fortunately this time around they installed high quality internet here in the barracks. I get very decent speeds that the wife and I use often. We tend to chat more via text than skype, usually because of the time zone difference. In the AM she goes to the gym, doesn't put make up on and usually doesnt like to get on the cam because she feels ugly or something. Then in the morning for me shes getting ready for bed and I'm at work so skype is somewhat rare.

As for putting stuff on her android and stuff... I could do it, but that will only make me over react more often and feel anxiety. I don't like the feeling. I could easily do it, but why would I want to torture myself? I don't want to know... sometimes there's things that I don't need to see because they are painful. Like when I read about her thinking about someone else I was pretty upset, but then I thought to myself, how many times have I thought about that hot girl I talked to a few times, or the girl at work. Yea I could be single and go for it... but my marriage is much better and more fulfilling than getting a divorce and going for someone else. Thinking the grass is greener on the other side is what ever body feels at times. She's also probably trying to not feel so bad about doing it, so she decided to look it up. It doesn't mean she was searching for someone. I think it's just human nature to be curious or think about others. If you didn't you wouldn't be human. Although it still hurts to think about it.

Next thing... getting over it. First I was hurt about it and got some anxiety, now it seems I'm kind of getting over it and now just seems like I'm getting angry with her... sometimes I just want to not talk to see how she reacts or something. I dunno is this just the normal phases?

First hurt, then anxiety and suspicion, then anger? Then what healing?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Does she work out of a business that has other masseuses?

Does she go to the clients? I think you indicated she asked if she could make a call on someone, which started a problen if I got that right. 

Does no men alone include clients?

Just trying to get an idea for the challenge here. Obviously working out of a business with other people around can be helpful.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Think of the stages of grief - that is what you are doing is grieving the trust you had. While this is written around the death of a loved one - it is the same stages you'll feel - The Kubler Ross stages:
Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death.
Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.
Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time..."
Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with her/his mortality or that of a loved one.


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## Suoni (Jul 18, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Does she work out of a business that has other masseuses?
> 
> Does she go to the clients? I think you indicated she asked if she could make a call on someone, which started a problen if I got that right.
> 
> ...


She is self employed and has been for 7 years. She doesn't work with a company. She does Out-call mainly, in-call (our home) on very rare occasions. I think the entire time she has been married with me she's only had like 2 clients with in call. One was that guy, but there wasn't a PA. He flirted with her over text AFTER the massage and that's when she flirted back and started a EA. And if I had put a rule on no men alone with her job, she wouldn't have hardly any clients. most clients are men, but she does get the occasional couple and females. I'm pretty comfortable with her job and understand it just business. But I will lay rule down saying that any text outside of business is unacceptable for clients. I think that is fair. I make enough money, but we need her job too to sustain our mortgage and be able to do regular entertainment.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your wife needs to fillher time---I am sure there must be women groups, who do things together on base, hobbies, read, whatever----she needs something to occupy her time----

One thing for sure tho---do not back down on the no men rule----especially when you are out of the country---


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

I had the exact same issue with a girlfriend of mine in the past. I wasn't married to her, but she was sexting and sending pictures to another man. I do feel for you. 

Most of the advice you have received on here is good. You need to set guidelines and she needs to have some boundaries. 

Let me ask you this: Has your wife ever sought counseling? My girlfriend was really obsessed by male attention and I believe, was addicted to sex. She had a real problem and she was a victim of incest in her childhood. I am just curious but I think it would be worth her time to talk to a professional about her relationships with men in her past. 

All the best to you and your marriage~


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## tofuhater (Jul 10, 2011)

Trust your instincts. You've described more than enough reason to be suspicious. I know that sometimes there is smoke with no fire - but not often ! 

If you don't have any kids yet - DONT ! - she is not ready to be married and is not committed to your marriage ! I don't care how long your deployment is ! -- Kids will only complicate leaving when she decides to act on something she has in her head. 

Sorry to be so brutally blunt but it really sucks to be married to someone you can't trust and are sticking around for becasue of children and financial issues and the longer you stay the deeper your hole becomes.


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## Suoni (Jul 18, 2011)

Corkey88 said:


> I had the exact same issue with a girlfriend of mine in the past. I wasn't married to her, but she was sexting and sending pictures to another man. I do feel for you.
> 
> Most of the advice you have received on here is good. You need to set guidelines and she needs to have some boundaries.
> 
> ...


My wife has been to IC and is now done with IC. She was raped by one of her boyfriends in the past and this was the main reason for going to IC. I don't think she has an addiction to sex as she doesn't look at porn and doesn't even like to self stimulate. (but she has once or twice since I have left, so it isn't completely true) We have a very healthy sexual relationship when I'm home that is, (not now, for obvious reasons) we tend to have sex 3 or 4 times a week. I wouldn't call her an addict. This was the first time she did it and felt she wanted to die afterwards for even thinking it was ok to send a topless photo. Is there any indicators to childhood incest? Warning flags I should know about? She was verbally abused by her father but when I suspected more I asked and she said she was never sexually abused as a child only raped by her boyfriend.


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