# He did it again!



## zoku32 (Jul 15, 2010)

I am soo frustrated. After putting parental controls on all the computers in the house I find that my husband is now looking at porn on our ipad. 

Of course, we made an agreement that if we had sex twice a week then he promised he wouldnt masterbate or watch porn. I can't ask him about it because he will get so upset with me because we havent been getting along at all. He thinks I'm jsut looking for something to fight over. Oh well, my husband is apparently a big fat liar. 

We have been having issues unrelated to all of this. We have not been getting along in the past week. We are at a crossroads about having kids. I dont know what to think. Is this worth leaving your husband over???

How can I set up the ipad to where he can use the internet but not look at porn sites? Or am I just wrong and stupid for doing all of this??? 

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

zoku32 said:


> How can I set up the ipad to where he can use the internet but not look at porn sites? Or am I just wrong and stupid for doing all of this???


The more relevant question is: Are you happy doing all of this?


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## zoku32 (Jul 15, 2010)

No I'm not happy doing all of this. Is this a huge issue? Or am I ridiculous getting so mad about it? Should I just let it go and let him look at porn?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Does he choose the porn over being with you, or is it an outlet when you won't?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

If you leave your husband because of this, there aren't many men for you to choose from! 

And psychologically, the more you try to restrict him, the more he will do it! He will do it anyway, just you find out or not! 

If you just let him do it and don't feel bothered, he might find it boring because it is not a forbidden fruit anymore.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Your previous post talked about him not being able to get off when having sex. Was it porn and masturbating that caused this?

Maybe 2x per week isn't enough for him. He's in his 30's, right?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Masturbation and porn certainly don't help sexual functioning. He doesn't want to fix that problem. 

There are a lot more men who don't use porn than many would have us believe. I got one of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BM178 (May 17, 2011)

He's not a child that you should put parental controls on the iPad. He wants to do it? LET HIM. Go out and enjoy yourself. Give him a little break, maybe he'll come back. Just sounds a little bizarre that you have to put restrictions for him. Or go to a counselor. Figure out what the problem is.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

My thinking is he's a grown man. If he really wants to look at porn he will find a way to do it. If he wants to stop it will be because he's chosen not to not because of parental controls.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

2x/week is not enough to stop me from masturbating!


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## grateful dad (May 19, 2011)

nader said:


> 2x/week is not enough to stop me from masturbating!


exactly. bump it up to twice a day and then you may see a difference.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

But you can't answer for him. He told her 2x is enough. This isn't about the need for sex or masturbation, it is the pull of porn.

How come you guys are not focusing on his inability to finish with her? Why when porn is involved do some men only want to defend porn use and not focus on his sexual dysfunction that is in no way helped by masturbation and porn? There is a lot more info that shows a strong correlation between these things for certain men. Don't be fooled by your own good luck at not being one of them and give this woman advice that probably doesn't apply given the facts as she presents them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Do you really want to babysit your husband? 

My husband's big problem was lying. At one point I, like you, tried to control the situation. He'd have to report to me everything he was doing. I'd check every means of communication. I always found something. _*ALWAYS*_. 

There is absolutely nothing you can do to stop another person from doing what they want. They have to want it. Clearly your husband doesn't. 

Unlock all of the computers and tell your husband he's free to do as he wishes. In the same breath, calmly tell him that when he views porn you feel ________and that it makes you view him in a lesser light. Give him the whole truth calmly. 

If he continues then you have confirmation that he's more concerned with the porn than how you feel. You can then decide to stay or leave. 

Is it possible that any of your feelings are a result of low self-esteem?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

grateful dad said:


> exactly. bump it up to twice a day and then you may see a difference.


Then I'm sure you wouldn't agree to the same deal her husband put forth. He's taking back his part of the deal, which is certainly a problem.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

You can't control him - and this likely has little to do with YOU.

If HE has a PROBLEM - then NO amount of sex from you will make this go away.

And not all men use porn - and certainly not all use it regularly.


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## zoku32 (Jul 15, 2010)

Thanks for all the responses. 

The 2x a week came from the discussion of him not getting off. Since we have started doing that much I will say that he has gotten better and gotten off more easily and faster. 

I put the controls on yes, to control the situation but I also thought I was doing us both a favor. If he wasn't able to look at it then he wouldnt masturbate and be able to finish faster and more often. 

I'm worried because he has lied to me about this. I just "happened" to find it on his ipad. (sidenote=it is BS that you cant put parentals on the ipad..what about people with kids???)

To add fuel to the fire we haven't been getting along. He has been seeing this psychiatrist and his whole attitude has changed with me in the past week. My husband doesnt exactly tell the truth all the time and exaggerates. I'm sure he is making me out to be the bad guy and his therapist is confirming that for him. 

Do people get divorced over this stuff? Are you all right when you say that men look at porn anyways? Is this how its suppose to be? Obviously this is what he wants to do and he was doing it long before he met me. Maybe I should just pick my battles. I think I'm more hurt about the lying than anything. Maybe I should initiate sex more??? 

Since we have been fighting so much lately how should I approach this if at all?

Thanks for any help!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Zoku,

I don't know about your husband. 

I don't know how well you two communicate. 

My husband used to watch porn before we got married. He used to masturbate every day before we got married. 

After we got married, I just told him: From now on, if you want to watch porn, let's watch it together. I don't feel comfortable if you watch it secretly. I can't tolerate secret behavior. And that's what he did. 

Now he actually doesn't watch any porn. He can have sex at any time he wants. He gets blow jobs daily. He is sexed out, he has no energy and time for porn. 

I don't know why your husband watches porn. To get him horny? To help him cum faster? Or just addicted? 

Seduce him, put on sexy lingerie, give him blow jobs, flirt with him, just give him what he wants, then he won't want it somewhere else. 

Right now if you want to initiate, but don't have the confidence to say anything. Just put on sexy lingerie, go to bed and pretend to read, see how he reacts!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You have every right to set your own boundaries in your relationship. You can absolutely say these are things i will not put up with and porn is one of them.

I think the porn is a much bigger problem then the masturbating. masturbating is usually healthy and there is nothing wrong with it as long as both of your sexual needs are being met. 

However clearly your needs are not being met and he is someone who cannot watch porn because it effects him in a severe and negative fashion.

I personally believe porn is very bad for sex and relationships for many reasons. You should be able to discuss this with him, if not send him and email outlining your position and what YOUR boundaries are.

IMO if he sees no consequences to his actions he will not change and porn is a deal breaker for me, it absolutely disgusts me and I know it's terrible for relationships not to even mention the exploitation etc...

Here is some info on porn and a thread that may be helpful to you.

Your Brain On Porn Series | Your Brain On Porn

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/23714-porn-perception-2.html


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

zoku32 said:


> I am soo frustrated. After putting parental controls on all the computers in the house I find that my husband is now looking at porn on our ipad.


You are using PARENTAL controls on your HUSBAND?



> Of course, we made an agreement that if we had sex twice a week then he promised he wouldnt masterbate or watch porn. I can't ask him about it because he will get so upset with me because we havent been getting along at all. He thinks I'm jsut looking for something to fight over. Oh well, my husband is apparently a big fat liar.
> 
> We have been having issues unrelated to all of this. We have not been getting along in the past week. We are at a crossroads about having kids. I dont know what to think. Is this worth leaving your husband over???
> 
> ...


Or maybe you can ask yourself how to have a relationship that does not include you being in complete control and treating him like a child.


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## incognitoman (Oct 22, 2009)

I would say as a man who has had a problem with porn and masturbation and my wife did not approve that this is all about him. Its a selfish act. Now with that said there are a few things that I would suggest.

1) Remove the locks. He is a grown man and will do as he pleases anyways. He could go to a local store and buy a magazine if he wanted so what are the locks really doing? I heard a saying once before that said "Locks only keep the honest people out."

2) If he feels that this is a real problem that he wants to address and feels that locks help him by setting boundaries then I think there could be some benefit from them. However currently I think you said it best when you said you are trying to control the situation. Honestly control is an illusion and to think you could ever control someone else is just plain lunacy. If he agrees, there are some sites that help keep you accountable. They send questionable sites to another person. I think knowing that someone else is going to possibly get a report if I clicked on a site would make me feel less likely to accidentally click some ad on a site that will lead me into a bad place.

3) I would not just start having more sex with him. Again this is you trying to take control of him. It won't work.

4) Good therapists are smart, they see through peoples lies and own self deception. Do not worry about what his therapist thinks about you or if he is validating his feelings. Sometimes he may and sometimes it could be because of lies but I think more of this is going on in your head than is really happening. My guess is that he listens and tries to get him to talk about how the things he says you are doing makes him feel. Therapist's work to try and help us fix ourselves not validate and justify our actions because of other people. They understand that we can't control other people.

5) You asked about having kids. I wouldn't try and do anything like that while you are unsure if you can live with this man and his actions. If you had a son would you want him to find daddies porn? Just wait.

6) Tell him how you feel. Be careful here. Do not attack him, don't use phrases likes "you always" and "you make me feel". That will put him on the defensive and he will likely not hear what you are trying to say. Say things like "When you look at porn, it makes me feel sad/hurt/angry because I feel like I can not live up to your standards and that I am being replaced. I would like you to stop." If you said this, he can't really get defensive about it. You also are not giving him any power to make you feel a certain way. If he really cares for you he will stop because he loves you. If he doesn't then he is saying he loves himself more. Don't live that life, you will regret it.

7) Long term you acting like this will not help anything, he will view you as authority and as his mom. This will make him pull away from you. Also you will pull away from him because do you want a man or a little boy? For most women I can imagine you wouldn't want a child to be your lover.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

nader said:


> 2x/week is not enough to stop me from masturbating!


:iagree:

I'm looking at this from my perspective because I use porn regularly due to my wife not having enough sex with me but I never choose it over her. Typically sex is 2-3x a month now but there was a time where occasionally we would have sex 2 times in a week. I can say for me personally that twice a week isn't enough for me to stop masturbating or looking at porn. 

I, just like 95% of men out there, need more stimulation then our imaginations. We are stimulated visually and it turns us on, makes our orgasm much better. 

I don't know how you came to the agreement about twice a week. Is there a chance that you are simply trying to do the absolute minimum you can get away with instead of doing what he needs to actually be sexually satisfied? 

My wife and I used to get into arguments/discussions about sex and she would ask me something like "okay, how many times a week do you need it?". And I knew there wouldn't be a right answer for her that would be true to what I wanted. If I said the truth which would be sex daily to start off, maybe more then once a day sometimes - She would flip out and would have said I'm crazy and there's no way. But sometimes it may not be daily, however, since I've never been in that situation of getting sex whenever I want it that's almost impossible to know. 

For me if my wife were to really want to take care of my sexual needs and would not want me to masturbate or look at porn then it's very simple. She would need to tell me (and be sincere about it) that I could come to her anytime for sex if I wanted it and except for the rare occasion and reasonable reason to not do it I wouldn't be turned down. And it might not be intercourse every time, there is oral and other ways to get release as well. But the key is it has to be a genuine desire to take care of your husband's needs and see those needs as important as he does. 

In my opinion I know for me, my wife may not like porn and I hide it from her, but she has no justification to tell me I can't get myself off and be stimulated (i.e. porn) unless she's willing to step up and take care of those needs. And again, at least for me it would have to be a sincere desire. If it starts to be a chore and when I ask for it there's a sigh like she really doesn't want to do it with comments like "again already?" then that would only last so long and that response would be encouragement for me to stop asking or not ask as much and eventually I'd go back to using porn and masturbating sometimes again. 

I don't know if your husband feels like I do but I don't think you're being reasonable. I know this may not be what you want to hear but if your husband has sexual needs that aren't being met he will take care of them himself. I think you may need to think about changing your attitude and let him know that you want to take care of his needs any time. Frankly if you aren't willing to do that then it's completely unreasonable for you to ask or expect he won't look at porn. 

I don't think a lot of women really understand men sexual needs but think of it like hunger and how there really isn't a choice in being hungry. If you fed him a good meal a couple times a week then told him to starve until you decide to feed him again how could it be reasonable for you to expect he wouldn't sneak food out of the kitchen? Masturbating without porn would be like sneaking stale bread and water. It might get you by but it's hardly satisfying. Using porn while masturbating would be more like a making good sandwich, it may not your favorite food but it beats the hell out of bread and water.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Men do not need more stimulation than just imagination. Men have grown lazy and to some extent stupid and do not cultivate skill in this area. My husband has an excellent imagination.

Porn users want instant gratification. Could be because they don't want to get caught.

Regardless, why must you talk about what isn't the case in this situation? This guy is getting the frequency he asked for. If he wanted an adjustment, he could have asked. He refuses to give up porn and is too chicken **** to either say he has a problem or, that he values it over his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Ps all of marriage is a comprise, even sexual frequency. Hiding porn is childish behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> Ps all of marriage is a comprise, even sexual frequency. Hiding porn is childish behavior.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like there is a plethora of things going on. He is hiding / lying. She is controlling....


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

True, mom. Seems like joint therapy might be in order. That way no one sided qnd slanted talk.

But I do think a therapist that is pro marriage doesn't mqke things worse. Mine always made me feel better anew helpsd me be constructive instead of destructive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

As a wife who has been down this road too many times to count.

He will look at porn no matter what you do until HE decides that he no longer wants to look at porn.

You can put all the controls you want (which you obviously did) and he still found a way - what does that tell you?

He either has a porn addiction or you don't do it for him anymore (not like "they" can), or he would drather masturbate.

Those are the real issues - why is the porn/masturbation a draw and you aren't?

I'm trying to figure that out in my marriage and I may have picked up on it - resentment on his part for other wrongs.

Now, just to get it worked out...


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Porn is powerful and perfect. It isn't hard to understand the draw. It is hard to compete with it, esp if your h doesn't care any longer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

ClipClop - while clearly you think you have an understanding of men and all their behavior you are wrong on many fronts...

No, men don't 'need' more stimulation then their imaginations. I'm sure before porn men were masturbating just as much. However, using porn with masturbation makes it much much more enjoyable. Just like having sex with your spouse is so much more sexually satisfying then masturbating. Or how a handjob from your wife can be much more satisfying then giving yourself a handjob even though it's a similar stimulation. Sometimes masturbation without porn is just fine but when a spouse refuses to recognize her husband's sexual needs 90% of the time and other stimuli are available (i.e. porn) then it shouldn't be difficult to see why that road is taken.

And because a man uses porn doesn't mean he doesn't care, not at all. I think probably most men are normal and like me. They love their wives, they want nothing more then to be with their wives intimately but only have small percentage of their sexual needs met. I would do anything to change this situation and have tried many things for over a decade. 

We don't know about the OPs husband but I'll be interested to hear if she's offered to take care of his sexual needs and be sexually available to him so he doesn't need to take care of it himself. 

MarriedWifeInLove - sorry about the issues you've had, I don't know your background. But we still don't know all the history. There are other issues going on here. I just hate the generalization with porn though. That if a man uses porn he must either a) be an addict or b) the wife doesn't do it for him anymore. Neither of which is probably true in most cases. Or you say he would rather masturbate. A lot of assumptions are being made and the fact is he may actually want sex everyday but the compromise has been made to have sex twice a week so over 70% of the time he's still feeling sexually frustrated. It's harder then you may think to tell a wife that you want sex every day when you know she isn't into sex and doesn't really want to do it. If 2 times a week is pushing it for the OP then it may be almost impossible for him to think that she would be happy to take care of him daily. 

And I don't know what's in this guy's head, I'm just saying there are other possibilities and his needs may still be far from being met. As a guy who has dealt with a wife that doesn't think sex is important it's real easy for you to say he should just ask for more. The fact is if it was this difficult for the wife to agree to 2 whole times a week then daily or every other day may be seemingly impossible.

I think there are a lot of women out there that think men should just take what they're given, be happy with it and shut up. It should be good enough because the wife says so. And if a guy wants sex every day then he's being unreasonable, right? And if a guy isn't getting his sexual needs met by a long shot he should just live with it and trying to find some sense of extra satisfaction by using porn isn't acceptable, right?

I applaud the women like greenpearl who understand a man's sexuality. If a woman takes care of her husband's needs more then he can handle then things like porn will never be an issue (in 90% of cases). There will always be a minority of people with other issues of addiction, not being attracted to a wife, etc. But I think those are by in large the exception.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

mike1 said:


> ClipClop - while clearly you think you have an understanding of men and all their behavior you are wrong on many fronts...
> 
> No, men don't 'need' more stimulation then their imaginations. I'm sure before porn men were masturbating just as much. However, using porn with masturbation makes it much much more enjoyable. Just like having sex with your spouse is so much more sexually satisfying then masturbating. Or how a handjob from your wife can be much more satisfying then giving yourself a handjob even though it's a similar stimulation. Sometimes masturbation without porn is just fine but when a spouse refuses to recognize her husband's sexual needs 90% of the time and other stimuli are available (i.e. porn) then it shouldn't be difficult to see why that road is taken.
> 
> ...


You automatically assume that us "other women" besides GP don't understand a man's sexuality.

I understand it completely.

I'm here, available, ready, experimental - hell I've pulled out all the stops to get things going including inviting other people into the bedroom - all the things he likes and says he likes and yet - I continue to get rejected and he continues to use porn.

Don't tell me I don't understand - the problem in my house is MY HUSBAND doesn't understand MY sexuality - I understand his - I'm not the one doing the rejecting - HE IS.

So his porn usage - IS NOT MY PROBLEM. I'm NOT THE PROBLEM - I know it and he knows it.

HE HAS THE PROBLEM. Whatever it is - resentment, ED issues, problems with performing, being embarrassed - whatever they are - they are HIS problem - it's not my fault he's using porn as I HAVE NEVER EVER rejected him.

So don't assume that the problem involves the woman and her misunderstanding of her husband's sexuality - you have plenty of women on here that will tell you that THEY are not the problem.

THEY are not doing the rejecting - their husband's are.

So can we now assume that the husband doesn't understand HIS WIFE'S SEXUALITY - she does have one, you know.

SEX seems to always be focused on the man - his views, his needs, his need for release, his sexuality, he's not getting enough, etc. Damn - how about us women - you think a lot of us don't have this same needs/issues? 

We do!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Zoku,
> 
> I don't know about your husband.
> 
> ...


The point being - you told your husband it bothered you and he respected that and followed your wishes.

What works for you doesn't work for others.

Other women have told their husband's the same thing and they have chosen to ignore their wives and continue their behavior - so does that make it her fault?

I wished it was as simple as you put it - maybe it is in your house, but not in others. 

I've done the BJs, the lingerie, the flirts, lost weight, stepped outside of my comfort zone for things he liked, etc.

Did it work in my house - NO.

One size unfortunately doesn't fit all.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

He said 2x per week was what he wanted. If he wanted more he could ask. I don't see where your wife enters in, mike. Your situations are very different.

As far as what I know about men, it is a fair amount. My h gets sex 99% of the time he wants and he.turns me down sometimes. He no longer uses porn because real sex is better without it. He ddoesn't use it alone.to m. Either for the same reason. He wants a good sex life with me. The op's h, if he wants the same thing porn and ignoring his.wife's feelings are not going to get him there. I don't think that is hard.to grasp.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> The point being - you told your husband it bothered you and he respected that and followed your wishes.
> 
> What works for you doesn't work for others.
> 
> ...


I don't know why your man is so difficult to handle! 

I am sorry that you are with such a difficult man! 

I know one size doesn't fit all. 

I wish there were magic medicine to fix humankind problems. 

Obviously there isn't.


My husband and I both respect each other. We put the other one's needs first. I don't boss him around. He does his best to protect me and love me! He doesn't do things to hurt me! Hurting the one we love is the last thing we want to do!


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## zoku32 (Jul 15, 2010)

Mom6545 you are right. I'm trying to control all of this and I shouldnt. Incognitoman, I've already taken your advice and I emailed him with the statement, when you look at porn I feel..... Right now I'm waiting on his response. All of you are mostly right, I'm trying to control..my husband is immature (probably bc I try to control as do his parents..another issue in itself) We probably should have more sex. He really is so sweet to me...people tell me all the time what a 'great" husband I have....but if they only knew how I really felt. He probably looks at porn bc he doesnt get enough from me. He doesnt tell me about it bc he is afraid of my reaction. 

There isn't a lot of passion in our love life anymore and I'm hoping this is due to that 7 year itch thing. True or False? Is this normal to have feelings like this? Sometimes I feel like I"m over analyzing my relationship bc having kids is right around the corner. We aren't the normal couple either when it comes to having kids. We have to see doctors and make plans about it along with medication. Sooo many issues here and still wondering if I'm normal or if these are HUGE red flags to get the hell out before I have kids.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Don't have kids until you resolve this. If you don't the sad and predictable thing will be that you will replace him completely with your children, sex will dwindle and your marriage become a total mess. He has to stay $1 or it just won't work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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