# Hello again.



## RNS

As I am one of you now officially, I thought I would stop by, and introduce (or reintroduce) myself. I am a recently divorced guy, was married for 15 years..with one great kid (whom is now a adult). 

The "Coping with Infidelity - Wing of TAM" has been a wonderful spring of information and advise, I hope I can avoid penitential potholes with this one (as I just seemed to learn what I did/was doing wrong in the other one  ).


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## Jellybeans

Welcome!


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## unsure78

feel free to come join us out in the singles thread, if you need some fun
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RNS

Ok....I am looking for some homework. My current problems are three fold really.

I am in no way ready to embrace the dating world yet. My mind is still reeling from my D, and I am still trying to emotionally distance myself form my ex and that old life. Though it is a strange living situation I have currently set-up. Living with my son (whom happens to be my 19 year old step-son). Love the kid (and am ecstatic that he chose to live with me for the time being), but I must admit a slight awkwardness....trying to put the pieces back together (not knowing what the picture really should look like), with someone else looking in. I am happy he is there, though he is a huge reminder of the life I thought I had.... Not looking to change that, just some words of wisdom and/or a book of reference. I think we are healing together, and he is probably my best friend as of now. However I feel the need to be guarded with him. 

Secondly, what I need is help with recognizing what a happy (real life), healthy relationship looks like? What are woman really looking for? You know...secret of the universe type thing . 

oh.. the third. My ex just got laid-off from her employer. I know I should ignore her, but concern on her part is a old habit that I have not fully broken yet. I have made no promises, but I do feel a little guilty now. (one I am not there for support, two I am the reason OM is not there either ...(I did nothing illegal, but he is unavailable non-the-less) I still can not help smiling a little typing that though ) She wants to meet for lunch next week. I did not respond to her message. I know what I should do, but she knows I have a soft heart.


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## Ceegee

RNS said:


> Ok....I am looking for some homework. My current problems are three fold really.
> 
> I am in no way ready to embrace the dating world yet. My mind is still reeling from my D, and I am still trying to emotionally distance myself form my ex and that old life. Though it is a strange living situation I have currently set-up. Living with my son (whom happens to be my 19 year old step-son). Love the kid (and am ecstatic that he chose to live with me for the time being), but I must admit a slight awkwardness....trying to put the pieces back together (not knowing what the picture really should look like), with someone else looking in. I am happy he is there, though he is a huge reminder of the life I thought I had.... Not looking to change that, just some words of wisdom and/or a book of reference. I think we are healing together, and he is probably my best friend as of now. However I feel the need to be guarded with him.
> 
> Secondly, what I need is help with recognizing what a happy (real life), healthy relationship looks like? What are woman really looking for? You know...secret of the universe type thing .
> 
> oh.. the third. My ex just got laid-off from he employer. I know I should ignore her, but concern on her part is a old habit that I have not fully broken yet. I have made no promises, but I do feel a little guilty now. (one I am not there for support, two I am the reason OM is not there either ...(I did nothing illegal, but he is unavailable non-the-less) I still can not help smiling a little typing that though ) She wants to meet for lunch next week. I did not respond to her message. I know what I should do, but she knows I have a soft heart.



She knows you have a soft heart which means if she solicits help from you it's because she knows she can manipulate you. 

Not very nice. 

It's great that your 19 yo stepson lives with you but he should not be your best friend. 

He's still young and impressionable and will learn from you. 

Find healthy relationship (same sex for now) that he can emulate.


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## EnjoliWoman

RNS said:


> Ok....I am looking for some homework. My current problems are three fold really.
> 
> I am in no way ready to embrace the dating world yet. My mind is still reeling from my D, and I am still trying to emotionally distance myself form my ex and that old life. Though it is a strange living situation I have currently set-up. Living with my son (whom happens to be my 19 year old step-son). Love the kid (and am ecstatic that he chose to live with me for the time being), but I must admit a slight awkwardness....trying to put the pieces back together (not knowing what the picture really should look like), with someone else looking in. I am happy he is there, though he is a huge reminder of the life I thought I had.... Not looking to change that, just some words of wisdom and/or a book of reference. I think we are healing together, and he is probably my best friend as of now. However I feel the need to be guarded with him.
> 
> Secondly, what I need is help with recognizing what a happy (real life), healthy relationship looks like? What are woman really looking for? You know...secret of the universe type thing .
> 
> oh.. the third. My ex just got laid-off from he employer. I know I should ignore her, but concern on her part is a old habit that I have not fully broken yet. I have made no promises, but I do feel a little guilty now. (one I am not there for support, two I am the reason OM is not there either ...(I did nothing illegal, but he is unavailable non-the-less) I still can not help smiling a little typing that though ) She wants to meet for lunch next week. I did not respond to her message. I know what I should do, but she knows I have a soft heart.


1) Very normal. The usual advice of taking up old hobbies you enjoyed or discovering new ones, take care of yourself because you need to put yourself first. But a new article of clothing or several. 

Don't rescue her. She lost that privilege - nay she threw it away on purpose. You are NOT her knight in shining armor. Maybe you used to be but she didn't appreciate it then so why would she now? Many women are master manipulators. Don't let her. Ignore her. Everything is HER problem now.

2) You will learn that over time. It comes after self-discovery and appreciating your personal value and choosing someone who also appreciate you for who you are. All relationships are a balancing scale. When it gets too far out of balance, it's no longer good and mutually beneficial. Don't talk yourself into that being OK. What do women want? To be absolutely cherished, feel safe (physically and emotionally). An emotionally healthy person will appreciate those traits and will do the same for you and is willing to set and respect boundaries and openly communicate. You'll get there. No rush. 

3) Other advice - don't let your stepson become your confidant. You need guy friends to do stuff with and if you need IC to talk to someone, do it. Even at 19 that's too young to confide in and he doesn't need to bear it.


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## RNS

Yeah I know about the finding guy friends. I sort of have one or two now. I do not really have a confidant. Like you said, it is not my son's place and I do not feel comfortable talking to most people. 

I have been known to vent to message boards though


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## Graywolf2

Ceegee said:


> She knows you have a soft heart which means if she solicits help from you it's because she knows she can manipulate you.


I just read your post about how much your ex cost you. You are far too nice to even consider helping her out. Someone needs to slap you.

My dad had an expression called “poor mouth.” That meant that you always tell everyone how broke you are. Then you can say: I would like to help you but I can’t. That way you are still a nice guy.

I know that you consider your step son to be your son, but he is your ex’s son too. If you are helping her son you are already helping her. That’s the way I feel when someone helps my kids.


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## RNS

I have simply ignored my ex up to this point That is the route I shall continue. I do feel sort of guilty, as she waived her right to alimony , however she has a very supportive mother/family. She does not need me. 

I am looking forward to May, my stepson and I are moving. A long way away, and I can start fresh.


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## RNS

My son is just looking forward to the beaches though


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## RNS

So I considered it, and decided that any face to face time would be counter productive.


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## Ceegee

Graywolf2 said:


> I just read your post about how much your ex cost you. You are far too nice to even consider helping her out. Someone needs to slap you.
> 
> My dad had an expression called “poor mouth.” That meant that you always tell everyone how broke you are. Then you can say: I would like to help you but I can’t. That way you are still a nice guy.
> 
> I know that you consider your step son to be your son, but he is your ex’s son too. If you are helping her son you are already helping her. That’s the way I feel when someone helps my kids.


Who says you have to be a nice guy?


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## Graywolf2

Ceegee said:


> Who says you have to be a nice guy?


No one, but that seems to be his natural tendency. Who else would even dream of giving his ex WW money?


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## Ceegee

Graywolf2 said:


> No one, but that seems to be his natural tendency. Who else would even dream of giving his ex WW money?


I just commented on that piece because it's at the heart of RNS's problem.

Has likely been his biggest issue for a long time.

Forget being nice and start being more assertive in what you want.

I don't care if you have $100k sitting in the bank. You are not obligated in the slightest to help out your X.

In fact, if you submit to her manipulation you are teaching her to further take advantage of you.

Break the cycle. Learn to say no without explanation. You do not owe her one.


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## Conrad

Ceegee said:


> I just commented on that piece because it's at the heart of RNS's problem.
> 
> Has likely been his biggest issue for a long time.
> 
> Forget being nice and start being more assertive in what you want.
> 
> I don't care if you have $100k sitting in the bank. You are not obligated in the slightest to help out your X.
> 
> In fact, if you submit to her manipulation you are teaching her to further take advantage of you.
> 
> Break the cycle. Learn to say no without explanation. You do not owe her one.


Do you really wish to pay someone to take another dump on you?


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## RNS

Like I said....I have decided against even talking to her. She will not get help from me. If she really needs it, there are places she can go for that.

I just have a old/bad habit of trying to fix things. I am doing better, as the D would suggest  She lives her life and I will live mine. I just wish I could turn off my emotions towards my past. Like I said, better...but not good enough.


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## Ceegee

RNS said:


> Like I said....I have decided against even talking to her. She will not get help from me. If she really needs it, there are places she can go for that.
> 
> I just have a old/bad habit of trying to fix things. I am doing better, as the D would suggest  She lives her life and I will live mine. I just wish I could turn off my emotions towards my past. Like I said, better...but not good enough.


And we're just trying to support you in this.


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## RNS

Which I thank you for with all my heart


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## RNS

These forums have been good to me.


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## RNS

I should probably leave the "CWI" behind me for now and focus on the new in my life.


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## RNS

Well I am a little bummed, the New job offer has dried up. The new company just folded. 

Probably better that is happened now than when I got down there.


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## Conrad

RNS said:


> Well I am a little bummed, the New job offer has dried up. The new company just folded.
> 
> Probably better that is happened now than when I got down there.


Damn... I had a similar setback recently.

Looked great - until it didn't

The difference between those who succeed and those who fail is those who succeed get up on more time.


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## Paradise

Conrad said:


> The difference between those who succeed and those who fail is those who succeed get up on more time.


I've heard this said before but I like your version of it. SO...I'm steeling it! Thanks Conrad! :smthumbup:


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