# Sexless due to some minor events



## Niceguynomore (Feb 3, 2014)

After many years wondering why my wife and I are in sexless marriage, she finally told me yesterday. She said she does not trust me, that I don't protect her, and I treat her like dirt. For the trust issue, I asked her to list something that make her think like that. She brought up something I did 10 years ago. I went on a business trip at an out of state company. I met a guy there, who invited me to his house to drink a few beers. I crashed on his sofa that night. Woke up a little late and missed my plane. I did not do anything beyond that. Some how she is hold a grudge on me due to this event. She did mention a few other very minor stuffs not worth mentions. Why do my wife hold on to this kind of thing for so long? Could anyone advice on how to gain her trust again? It seems like she will never let this event go.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Either she is an extremely insecure woman.........or........she has had an affair or is having an affair and is using this as an excuse.:scratchhead:

Now if you like the guys......and she knows this......and you still had a few beers and crashed at his house and over night, on the business trip, she might be thinking, you had sex with him and are bi sexual. True?

I tend to agree that the ladies remember the negative from way back and never let it go. So much for forgive and forget.......


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Niceguynomore said:


> After many years wondering why my wife and I are in sexless marriage, she finally told me yesterday. She said she does not trust me, that I don't protect her, and I treat her like dirt. For the trust issue, I asked her to list something that make her think like that. She brought up something I did 10 years ago. I went on a business trip at an out of state company. I met a guy there, who invited me to his house to drink a few beers. I crashed on his sofa that night. Woke up a little late and missed my plane. I did not do anything beyond that. Some how she is hold a grudge on me due to this event. She did mention a few other very minor stuffs not worth mentions. Why do my wife hold on to this kind of thing for so long? Could anyone advice on how to gain her trust again? It seems like she will never let this event go.


They hold grudges mine from our wedding day.... it really is stupid considering it was over 20 years ago.

Basically its like those that never forget a moment in their life yet these wives just remember only the bad you ever did from the moment they met you.

She will not let it go its a permanent record in your wife's brain...perhaps recommend a lobotomy


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Some cultures have very long memory for infractions others are perceived of committing but not as much for their own...


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## Niceguynomore (Feb 3, 2014)

No matter what I said, in her mind I had done something very wrong like slept with some gal during that night. During that time, she had a short ( 2 weeks) online affair with some guy, which I never brought up with her since. I don't hold any grudge on her for that.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Niceguynomore said:


> No matter what I said, in her mind I had done something very wrong like slept with some gal during that night. During that time, she had a short ( 2 weeks) online affair with some guy, which I never brought up with her since. I don't hold any grudge on her for that.



If you honestly never cheated on your wife, no emotional or physical affair or even one night stand, right? then she has no reason to remember the past and treat you like this.

Now she did have a short 2 week online affair. BINGO. She is trying to justify away her 2 week affair by saying you slept with some hot woman on the business trip. But you didn't, right???


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It's time to stop playing this game with your wife.


Holding grudges should not be tolerated. But if you broke her trust and she hasn't felt safe enough to confide in you, *that right there is the problem*. It's not what you did all those years ago, it's that she didn't even trust you enough to tell you how much it bothered her.

Do you minimize her anger? Do you interrupt her? Do you listen to her when she talks, with out judging?


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## Cattermole (Feb 1, 2014)

Agreed. Grudges are poison to relationships because everything is filtered through the lens of offense. I would sit her down again and see what is the root cause. It sound likes there is a LOT more to the story. Women withdraw for a reason. 

Keep us posted!


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## Niceguynomore (Feb 3, 2014)

During our 15 years marriage, I never cheat on her. Never have emotional or physical affair. I can't get through her that nothing happen that night. The only thing I can prove nothing happen is a lie detector test, which I am willing to do.

Cuddlebug is right, she is justify away her online emotional affair. It is petty to live in a sexless due to this.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

There is possibly something else there under the surface you can't get at. She might still be feeling guilt for her online affair and is justifying it by holding this other thing over your head. You did say they happened at the same time. If she is up for it, I would recomend marriage counseling. You would be surprised at the difference a third parties opinion can make. But be careful as you start to unpack her mind. Because of the online affair you already know about, you might not like what else you find. 

Also, your kind of vague. But you might need to take a look at how you treat her and make some changes. Ask yourself, do I treat her as good as I did when we were dating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Niceguynomore (Feb 3, 2014)

I can alway treat her nicer. I am reading "sex begins in the kitchen" now and apply some of the ideas in the book. The ideas are to treat her better and helping chores.


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## Niceguynomore (Feb 3, 2014)

I caught her emotional affair early and she ended. The only thing happened there was she was having sex using IM.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I think she is just using that event as an excuse because she is not interested in having sex with you for whatever reason.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Niceguynomore said:


> I can alway treat her nicer. I am reading "sex begins in the kitchen" now and apply some of the ideas in the book. The ideas are to treat her better and helping chores.


That book is on my list to read. If your reading, I would also recomend His Needs Her Needs, Affair proofing your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

"The ideas are to treat her better and helping chores. "

My experience is that is not normally the problem. Togetherness maybe, but doing more is usually not it.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

How long have you two been sexless? Are you clinically sexless (once per month or less) or is it literally zero sex?

When it comes to discussing issues in the marriage, do you think that you and your wife have good 2-way communication? Do one or both of you hold things in instead of trying to talk them out? Part of the issue may be that your wife may feel resentment for you because you don't open up to her or you don't take what she says seriously.

Do the two of you spend a lot of quality time together? I'm not talking family time, but time between just you and her? Do you go on dates with her regularly? Do you try to woo her like you used to when you were dating? 

Hate to say it, but are you sure that there is no one else in the picture? Probably before you try to fix anything else, you will have to determine if she's in another long distance affair or even if it's a physical affair with someone closer by.


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## Niceguynomore (Feb 3, 2014)

Thinking back, the first 5 years was great. This trip event and her EA may have put a damper on our sex life. Then my first child was born 8 years ago. She had a postpartum depression, which at the time we did not know. Sex was declining from there. My second child was born 3 years ago and sex has declining to around 10 per year. 

I have a nice guy syndrome, which I am trying to change. I don't express my feeling with her. I don't communicate well either. I don't open to her. 

It seems like we spend zero quality time together. We don't go on dates. Everywhere we go, the kids are there. The main reason we don't much spend time together is because she is on her ipad/computer almost 24/7. She spend so much time reading fanfiction about twillight character. She is really into the gal in twillight Christen Steward for some reason. Sometime, I suspect that she is a lesbian or something.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Niceguynomore said:


> Thinking back, the first 5 years was great. This trip event and her EA may have put a damper on our sex life. Then my first child was born 8 years ago. She had a postpartum depression, which at the time we did not know. Sex was declining from there. My second child was born 3 years ago and sex has declining to around 10 per year.
> 
> I have a nice guy syndrome, which I am trying to change. I don't express my feeling with her. I don't communicate well either. I don't open to her.
> 
> It seems like we spend zero quality time together. We don't go on dates. Everywhere we go, the kids are there. The main reason we don't much spend time together is because she is on her ipad/computer almost 24/7. She spend so much time reading fanfiction about twillight character. She is really into the gal in twillight Christen Steward for some reason. Sometime, I suspect that she is a lesbian or something.


So look into No More Mr. Nice Guy and the Married Man's Sex Life. Based on your explanation, there may be some useful nuggets.

I would also tackle the resentment and trust issues head on. Ask her how she intends to work through these and what she is looking for from you. Also ask if it is fair for her to hold on to these for ten years and only bring them up now.

Finally, consider that her fan fiction ready is a window into what she is looking for. Not a vampire but perhaps that passion from you directed toward her. Think about what you can do to give her that.


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## Niceguynomore (Feb 3, 2014)

Tall Average Guy - great advice. I have read both of those books. I am trying to apply those useful nuggets now.


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## lfortender (Sep 18, 2012)

This is not a excuse to a sexless marriage. This event, was only one, she can't give you a sexless marriage by thinking you cheated on her. Maybe you should talk to her again and work things out!


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Sounds like rug sweeping all round. "The only thing she did was have an emotional affair and IM sex"?! That's enough!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

The reason she holds that grudge is because if you DIDN'T cheat, she'd be the only one in the marriage who screwed up. So in her mind you two are even. Once she accepts the fact that you didn't cheat, she confirms she's the only cheater in the house.

I'd tell her that she can believe whatever she wants but continued grudge holding and lack of an intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship (not "sex") will result in the end of the marriage.

Suggest marriage counseling. If she doesn't want to go, go alone and let her know you are. It will show her you are serious about fixing this.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Niceguynomore said:


> During our 15 years marriage, I never cheat on her. Never have emotional or physical affair. I can't get through her that nothing happen that night. The only thing I can prove nothing happen is a lie detector test, which I am willing to do.
> 
> Cuddlebug is right, she is justify away her online emotional affair. It is petty to live in a sexless due to this.


First of all, you logically cannot prove you did not do something. She could have accused you of something even if you had made that flight. "You missed that flight" could easily be "you didn't return my call", "you really didn't need to travel there", "somebody's covering for you", etc.

You're probably right about her motivation. If it's that one thing she keeps mentioning there either probably isn't anything substantial to hold against you. You can bet if there were more she would have mentioned it to you at some point.

Another possibility is that she's grading you against some standard you are supposed to meet. I'm curious as to how she would rate you as a husband. Do you help enough around the home? Perhaps she's not happy with her lifestyle / your level of success (it seems that "not feeling safe" might mean you are perceived as failing as a provider / protector)? 

Does she have any sexual baggage in her past (like abuse or bad role models)? If she views sex as harmful, just expressing sexual interest (especially "too much" or for the "wrong kind" of sex) can cause her to see you as threatening.

It doesn't have to be a specific act so much as a perceived failure on your part, and you need to get her to tell you what the issue is. Then you need to decide if it's fair or not (i.e. asking you to pull your weight around the home is fair, shaming you for one night long ago or expecting you to tolerate her whim is not).


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and join the forums at No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin . Another key book is "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty". It goes hand in hand with NMMNG and MMSL.

People tend to presume other people have the same thoughts and values as they do. This is called "projection". Your wife had an EA. She is capable of considering sex outside of marriage, and she is capable of pursuing emotional attachment outside of the marriage. So, she believes you have those same thoughts and desires. This could be why she believes you had an affair that night you slept on the couch.


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## Niceguynomore (Feb 3, 2014)

Thank all for the great advices! I opened up and had discussion with her and she understand me now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sorry, but "Sex Begins in the Kitchen" will just lead you down the path of being a p*ssy-whippped Beta Male. Kitchen chores, helping around the house, putting away the groceries will only diminish you in her eyes.

What your wife needs is for you to be an ALPHA. "Listen God-d*mmit, NOTHING happened on that trip!" Then lead her into the bedroom for some wild, alpha sex -- dominate her -- (notice I did not say Rape her) but make it clear that YOU are HERS and SHE is YOURS. F*ck her like there's no tomorrow and move on from this. TAKE her... She will have a new found respect for your authority. This will make her more sexually attracted to you...

I speak from experience; recently my soulmate lover and I had a silly squabble. He came into the bedroom that night and clearly showed me what he wanted. I resisted at first and told him he was crazy, get lost. Soon I melted in to the passion... 

Be an ALPHA... take what is YOURS... with her consent of course.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Sorry, but "Sex Begins in the Kitchen" will just lead you down the path of being a p*ssy-whippped Beta Male. Kitchen chores, helping around the house, putting away the groceries will only diminish you in her eyes.
> 
> What your wife needs is for you to be an ALPHA. "Listen God-d*mmit, NOTHING happened on that trip!" Then lead her into the bedroom for some wild, alpha sex -- dominate her -- (notice I did not say Rape her) but make it clear that YOU are HERS and SHE is YOURS. F*ck her like there's no tomorrow and move on from this. TAKE her... She will have a new found respect for your authority. This will make her more sexually attracted to you...
> 
> ...


There is nothing hotter then a man who can push a vacuum, load the dishwasher, then push his wife over the sofa and load her with something only he can give.

Don't knock the beta stuff because it IS important. But if you can't also be a strong man, no amount of housework will get you laid!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Real men pull vacuums. They do not push them.

(We buy canister vacuums :rofl: and my couch would cause serious damage to any amorous couple - idiotic modern Italian design)


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

SHOW this woman what you want. IN THE BEDROOM. Dominate her. Forget the dishes, the vacuuming, the meal prep. Make her feel your primal need for her.

I agree that Beta traits are nice when things are good. But when things suck, beta traits + no sex = WIMP.


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