# Road trip or no road trip?



## Sra (May 25, 2013)

Hi-. My family was invited to a kids resort by my parents. It is a 9 hr road trip to where my family lives and then we would drive from there. My husband doesnt want to go and doesnt have the vacation time. I told him I felt comfortable driving it alone with the kids and that he didn't have to go. (not meanly i jusst suggested it so he wouldnt feel like he had to use more of his time when he doesnt want to go in the first place). He got very upset thought this would be hugely unsafe since my 3 kids are all under 10 youngest is almost 4. that i shouldnt be doing such a long drive without another adult. We have made this drive as a family at least 20 times i feel very familiar with it. I was going to cancel our reservation but my sibling volunteered to fly down to ride up and back with me. I thought my husband was only upset that it would be just me alone driving the kids then he hit the roof and became angry that i would go at all even though i had another adult with me. we have been fighting alot over this because I really wanted to go. Then he said in one of our arguments "You are an adult you make your own decisions i dont sanction this trip ATALL but i cant hold you back because you have it all planned out with another adult to go so what can i say? but if anything at all happens our marriage is over and i cant tell you how i'll feel when you get back either way." He was yelling. He feels that i am being selfish that all i want to do is be traveling to visit my family. we already have a summer trip planned with a sibling (my family) and usually go up around the winter holidays but not ON the holiday so iguess we travel to see my family 2x a year. he also wanted to attend his high school reunion. I will admit that i miss my family alot and i will jump at the chance to see them whenever we can. We dont have any family here but do have good friends. I also feel like he is being a bit extreme with his worry and needs to let me be independent. I have never taken a vacation by myself with the kids. I have only gone away myself when i had to attend a relatives funeral. I have never even taken the kids into the city to visit because he is really anxious for them to be on public transportation. He is not close with his family. Las t week i grudgingly consented not to go but since then I have been crying off and on and I still havent cancelled the trip because i keep hoping he will change his mind or at least say "Go but be safe." I feel like if i go i am basically signing off on divorce papers. I realized that he is very anxious about being away from the kids or them being where he doesn't feel in control. It seems extreme though. These are the worst fights we have ever had in our marriage This year has been a difficult year for me in that i quit my job to be at home and trying to find my way. I've been somewhat sad and moody at times. he says he's done talking about it anymore. Although weve been married over 10 yrs our communication is not the greatest and he only found out about the trip when we were about to make reservations knowing we could cancel if we didn't go so for that i take the blame. but i only told him when I myself found out the exact dates even though I was aware it was something my parents were thinking of doing. Do I cancel or just go? Many of my friends say i need to just go for me as well as so that the kids can visit family and build relationships as well as see that I am competent in taking care of them and Daddy doesnt always have to be there for them to still be safe. Thanks for your help. I just wanted to hear unbiased thoughts from people who dont have connections to either of us.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think your husbands complaints are unreasonable. Visiting your family without him is not the same as taking a vacation without him, at all. Maybe he has anxiety, maybe he's being childish and selfish.

Personally, I would go.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It depends. Does he normally follow through with his threats or is he a bully?

I ask this because you're a homemaker with 3 young children.

Your husbands complaints are unreasonable but if you've got no way to support yourself and them you need to have a back up plan.

Regardless this is serious. He's controlling and the part where he wants you to be 100% dependent on him concerns me.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Do you feel like he is controlling and that upsets you? Or is the trip itself the only issue? It doesn't sound like you are buying his reasons at all. 

Honestly, are there other issues in your marriage and this is just the one that is bringing to light the true state of your marriage? If this were me right now, and I really wanted to go and saw no problem with doing so, I would have to have a heart to heart talk with my H to try and figure out truly why he doesn't want me to go. I could totally see my H taking the position as your H but saying don't go becaue we should go on vacation together as a family. As much as that would bother me, even if I really wanted to go, I would probably not go. It would not be worth it to me if it would mean that much to him that we not go without him (we don't have kids yet).

The way you have painted this picture is that your H is really being a jerk about this. But I know that could just be the way it appears, and not the true picture. But if you really feel that he is, and that he has no valid reasons for doing this but just to control you, then where to do you go from here? I haven't had that much experience as Mavash or Pink, and I usually don't agree with much of anything that they say. But they are much more experience than me so I could be totally off on this.

I know I will be a minority of one on this, but it is just how I would handle it. I'm sure no one else would handle it this way, though.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> I haven't had that much experience as Mavash or Pink, and I usually don't agree with much of anything that they say.


To be honest I wouldn't go on a trip without my husband either however he wouldn't threaten to divorce me if I did. Nor would he yell at me or get angry. He's a nice guy.

My reasons are different though I don't WANT to be away from him for a week. 

Last year I drove 900 miles by myself with 3 kids (I was driving to where my husband was training). It really wasn't a big deal. He worried yes but he had faith that I would be okay. The vehicle is sound, we have good insurance and I have TWO cell phones.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'd have no problem with this.

He's very unreasonable.

Are you sure this isn't about something else?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> To be honest I wouldn't go on a trip without my husband either *however he wouldn't threaten to divorce me if I did. * Nor would he yell at me or get angry. He's a nice guy.
> 
> My reasons are different though I don't WANT to be away from him for a week.
> 
> Last year I drove 900 miles by myself with 3 kids (I was driving to where my husband was training). It really wasn't a big deal. He worried yes but he had faith that I would be okay. The vehicle is sound, we have good insurance and I have TWO cell phones.


That is the troubling part, I agree. Seems like the trip itself is not the real issue.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> I know I will be a minority of one on this, but it is just how I would handle it. I'm sure no one else would handle it this way, though.


I don't think you will be the minority on this.
I think you're spot on.

This has got to be about some other aspect of their marriage or this trip and he's just not dealing with it right.

If it's truly about the safety issue your H has some big problems and this one is the least of yours OP


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## Whiner (May 22, 2013)

Sra,
My hubby used to be like this but, oddly enough, when I finally just said,"you're right. You don't have a good reason and I'm going" he got over it. After the first time, he acted like he had never objected at all. That's just my experience. You may consider calling his bluff-if he would leave you for such a stupid reason, it may be time for a real re-examination of the marriage anyway.

Also worked when he would dramatically exit a fight by grabbing the car keys and bolting. One day I grabbed the keys first and said it was his turn to worry about me driving around in a rage! He never did it again.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I agree with the others, there is another reason he is being like this, could he not want to come home to an empty house, is he afraid of being alone, or he is just really controling. 

A nine hour trip is not the end of the world. I did this several times when my kids were young, 3,then 4, then 5 kids - babies. One time I had my two horses with me too. 

Now, it wasn't fun, and I was totally exhasted when I arrived at my moms, always took me a whole day to recouperate, but it is doable. Not to mention you will be traveling during the day, have someone else with you, cell phones, etc. I am sure you are a competent woman if something were to happen.

Actually, the only times I had car troubles when my kids were young was when I was about an hour from home doing the daily stuff. 

My husband would make sure the car was safe, do all the checks and so forth, and he always asked me to be safe, and maybe was a bit nervous, but he didn't freak out.

So, you said that your marriage isn't perfect, why do you think he is behaving this way, is it normal for him?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'd go, for all the reasons that Anon, Mavash, and Whiner have said.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Unless you have a long history of infidelity, your husband is being ridiculous. You are visiting family, not going for a night on the town in Las Vegas. 9 hours is not such a huge trip. I do an 8 hour trip about twice a month (and back) to see family. 

Even the objection about not having another adult along was silly. It's not like you are 16 years old. 

He needs to come clean about his real objection. He may say he's done talking about it, but I would demand an actual explanation. I would say something like: _"before I go and cancel a trip to SEE MY OWN FAMILY, I need to know what is the actual reason you are objecting to this. I need to know what to tell my family when they ask why I'm not going!"_


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

Sra said:


> Hi-. My family was invited to a kids resort by my parents. It is a 9 hr road trip to where my family lives and then we would drive from there. My husband doesnt want to go and doesnt have the vacation time. I told him I felt comfortable driving it alone with the kids and that he didn't have to go. (not meanly i jusst suggested it so he wouldnt feel like he had to use more of his time when he doesnt want to go in the first place). He got very upset thought this would be hugely unsafe since my 3 kids are all under 10 youngest is almost 4. that i shouldnt be doing such a long drive without another adult. We have made this drive as a family at least 20 times i feel very familiar with it. I was going to cancel our reservation but my sibling volunteered to fly down to ride up and back with me. I thought my husband was only upset that it would be just me alone driving the kids then he hit the roof and became angry that i would go at all even though i had another adult with me. we have been fighting alot over this because I really wanted to go. Then he said in one of our arguments "You are an adult you make your own decisions i dont sanction this trip ATALL but i cant hold you back because you have it all planned out with another adult to go so what can i say? but if anything at all happens our marriage is over and i cant tell you how i'll feel when you get back either way." He was yelling. He feels that i am being selfish that all i want to do is be traveling to visit my family. we already have a summer trip planned with a sibling (my family) and usually go up around the winter holidays but not ON the holiday so iguess we travel to see my family 2x a year. he also wanted to attend his high school reunion. I will admit that i miss my family alot and i will jump at the chance to see them whenever we can. We dont have any family here but do have good friends. I also feel like he is being a bit extreme with his worry and needs to let me be independent. I have never taken a vacation by myself with the kids. I have only gone away myself when i had to attend a relatives funeral. I have never even taken the kids into the city to visit because he is really anxious for them to be on public transportation. He is not close with his family. Las t week i grudgingly consented not to go but since then I have been crying off and on and I still havent cancelled the trip because i keep hoping he will change his mind or at least say "Go but be safe." I feel like if i go i am basically signing off on divorce papers. I realized that he is very anxious about being away from the kids or them being where he doesn't feel in control. It seems extreme though. These are the worst fights we have ever had in our marriage This year has been a difficult year for me in that i quit my job to be at home and trying to find my way. I've been somewhat sad and moody at times. he says he's done talking about it anymore. Although weve been married over 10 yrs our communication is not the greatest and he only found out about the trip when we were about to make reservations knowing we could cancel if we didn't go so for that i take the blame. but i only told him when I myself found out the exact dates even though I was aware it was something my parents were thinking of doing. Do I cancel or just go? Many of my friends say i need to just go for me as well as so that the kids can visit family and build relationships as well as see that I am competent in taking care of them and Daddy doesnt always have to be there for them to still be safe. Thanks for your help. I just wanted to hear unbiased thoughts from people who dont have connections to either of us.


I think he's being unreasonable because he's controlling and a bully. I would take my children on the trip with my family, period.


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

Whiner said:


> Sra,
> My hubby used to be like this but, oddly enough, when I finally just said,"you're right. You don't have a good reason and I'm going" he got over it. After the first time, he acted like he had never objected at all. That's just my experience. You may consider calling his bluff-if he would leave you for such a stupid reason, it may be time for a real re-examination of the marriage anyway.
> 
> Also worked when he would dramatically exit a fight by grabbing the car keys and bolting. One day I grabbed the keys first and said it was his turn to worry about me driving around in a rage! He never did it again.


Very well said. It would be calling his bluff and for me, friends, coworkers, and cousins, it worked. Although we all had to do this in the early part of the marriage, we laugh about it now. For me, a threat of any kind is unacceptable to me, and would have me even more determined to stand my ground. Let the chips fall where they may, rather than be pushed around.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

In the recent past has someone in your wide circle of acquaintances met with an accident?

Has there been any news program or documentary about highway fatalities which has left him disturbed?


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## Sra (May 25, 2013)

I appreciate everyone's responses. Last night we were able to talk without arguing although he's still mad and left house without saying goodbye to me this am.
Basically, he's upset that He thinks i am always jumping and organized to plan visits with my family while he is working. he doesnt have vacation. really feels like this trip is a bad idea even though i already have arranged for another adult to travel there and back. that i am not as safety conscious where the kids are concerned as far as going out and about and being aware and that my only priority is to visit my family. his final answer was I cannot fake that i sanction this trip. i don't feel like the kids are old enough to go on a trip without both of us. I don't feel like you are as safety conscious and responsible as you should be in these situations (ie that a mom with three kids and an out of state license are sitting ducks at the rest stops for the criminal elements,etc) and i feel that you put visits with your family before me. i think this visit is for you and not for the kids (I said its for all of us actually) So although i don't want to, im probably going to cancel it. If he's feeling like my priorities arent in the "right place" this will only solidify that if i go. I can't help but feel manipulated but what else can I do? I need to make a choice and just stick with that but I know I wont even enjoy myself if go on the trip and he is seething at home and feeling unloved.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

You do not say where you are driving to / from so we cannot judge if it would truly have been unsafe for a women and her children to travel without a second adult (i know that that a big no no in the UAE / Saudi etc).

As you have now made arrangements for another adult family member to share the journey with you I do not think that that so call concern holds water. It could be that your husband resents the time you and the children will spend away from him. 

Do not let him bully / blackmail you into not going or not enjoying your trip but do try and reassure him of your and the children’s love / respect for him.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

You knew this was being planned by your parents, but waited till the plans were set before telling your husband. Although I don't agree with his reasoning (safety), you presented him with a yes or no decision instead of including him in the initial planning or allowing him to get used to the idea first before having to make a decision.

He may also be a bit jealous as he said he doesn't have a close relationship with his family. This doesn't make his reaction right or acceptable, but since the trip separates him from his immediate family it may accentuate that envy.


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## Sra (May 25, 2013)

wiltshireman, The trip is 8-9hrs in the united states.
Pb76no,
Unfortunately you are correct. I probably would have made the whole situation better by preparing him that's for sure. I helped make my own bed...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think he just told you the why. He's jealous. You get a vacation and he doesn't. If he can't have fun then he thinks you shouldn't either.

He's not a happy person.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I think he just told you the why. He's jealous. You get a vacation and he doesn't. If he can't have fun then he thinks you shouldn't either.
> 
> He's not a happy person.


I was wondering about this.

My wife and kids go all over the place doing cool stuff all the time but I generally can't go due to work.

It gets me down sometimes and was thinking something like this may be the crux of OPs situation.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

He's blowing smoke. His real objection is that you're taking the children on vacation without him to a kid's park. It's something the kids will enjoy. A memory made. And he won't be part of it. He'll be left behind. Home alone. Working. While everyone else is out living the good life. Without him. But his pride is in the way of telling you that.

My first wife used to take what we called "family funded visits" once a year to her home state with our daughter to see her family. I was short on vacation and shorter on cash. I understood and was "cool with it" but it still sucked. I was home alone working while my family was away having fun and telling me all about it.

My second wife left the military last year and went back to college. She gets some VA benefits and GI Bill money. But ultimately it's on me to provide for us. I have to go to work and have the responsibilities of that. The weight of everyone's well-being on my shoulders alone. She took a trip to see friends and family when she got out. Without me, because I had to be at work. At Christmas we went to her folk's place. She stayed about a week extra because it was an opportunity between classes to see family.

I like my alone time but yep. It sucked after the first day.

I'd be shocked if this weren't at least part of what your hubby is feeling.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I think he is being an idiot. Summer is my busy time at work. I don't get along well with my in-laws either. My wife is heading across country to go spend time with her family. I have no issue with it at all. If this were a girls weekend event, I would change my opinion. But, taking the kids to go see the grandparents and extended family that they get to see every other year or so is not a big deal to me. I encourage her to go. She is more than responsible enough to take care of the kids during traveling.

Unless he has some other major issues, he is being over-bearing and controlling.


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## Sra (May 25, 2013)

thank you to everyone.
I did cancel my trip this am. As I was on the phone doing that I received an email from my H. that "he's thinking he wants to live apart from me. That he is not convinced that i am happy with the life he gives me...he doesnt need to be living a facade at work and at home. He is seriously thinking we need to separate. That maybe I should go on our other vacation that i mentioned alone with my sibling." I recognize that I am always trying to get to visit my family. that we have had some big changes over the past year and I've been mopey for sure. I told him I hope that he doesn't choose to do these things . I will still go on this OTHER trip alone with the kids. I do feel like cancelling my 1st trip was the best thing to do because I recognize my part in not setting it up for success in the first place. but i do feel like him potentially moving out and /or not going on the other trip with us because he doesnt want to be around my fam while we are working things out is not my choice its his. He said he would "escort us up there to make sure we got there then come home". I said that's not necessary, I can drive myself if he chooses not to go and I'll call when i get there (its a 3 hr drive). It kind of confirmed to me that although I might have caused the other situation i am not totally off-base. So thank you.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

A lesson in doing everything wrong.

The disallowal of the trip is wrong, but:

You did not tell him in the planning stage because you knew his reaction would be negative. (wrong)

He lied about what his reasons were for disapproval - one adult - (wrong) which led to you getting another adult.

He stepped up the level of rage (wrong). 

You told him you were cancelling to placate him but continued to plan on doing it. (wrong)

He used emotional blackmail - divorce - to get you to cancel for real. (wrong).


Result? Negative for everyone: he's upset, you are upset, the kids are disappointed. Mutually assured destruction. 

The whole issue of travel without him has to be completely worked out, negotiated and settled permanently. It cannot be some ugly black cloud hanging over the marriage that you avoid talking about and then war erupts when it comes into play.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

His reasons for not wanting you to go were very belittling. Telling you you are not safety conscious is treating you like a child, who does he think he is?? You are the mother of these children, they are safer with you than anyone, AND you arranged for someone to travel with you! He has serious control issues, and I think that granting him that separation would be a good thing for you both.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I don't think your husband is being unreasonable.

A family that plays together, stays together.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would look at it from his point of view, which is the most productive thing you can do for your marriage:

-- You are having a recreational vacation with your family of origin insteand of your husband
-- You are already unhappy and this would drive further disconnectedness
-- It is legitimate to worry about your wife and children when they are traveling so far without you
-- He is working / providing and not able to enjoy a vacation with his family

And, I don't think he is being controlling. He gave you a choice, and you made the choice. I think he is using your wanting to go on vacation as how he interprets how important he is to you and how important your marriage is to you.

Now, everyone can flame me all they want, but I think looking at it from his perspective whehter or not you agree with his perspective is the best thing for your marriage.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree with wiseforit in that it was handled wrong all of the way around. But my husband having no confidence in me as a mother that i could drive the safely from one place to another in a day is condescending. Maybe he is mad he can't go, maybe he is jealous that you are close to your family - after all YOU are his family now that he doesn't have anyone else.

I suggest you put all of this on hold for now, get a sitter and go somewhere to just be together and talk this through. Get to the bottom of his concerns. 

I think you should find out what the real objections are, reassure him that you love him but you also love your family and tell him how sad you are for him that he never had that. Maybe remind him how some day he will want HIS kids to come with their families and get together - how special to have the children and grandchildren all come for family visits. This is the culture you want for your children.

Also be understanding about his limited vacation time and see if that's part of it as some other posters have speculated.

In the end you shouldn't mislead, he shouldn't underestimate your abilities or try to limit your visits with family when it's only a few times a year but you have to come to an agreement.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Hicks said:


> I would look at it from his point of view, which is the most productive thing you can do for your marriage:
> 
> -- You are having a recreational vacation with your family of origin insteand of your husband
> -- You are already unhappy and this would drive further disconnectedness
> ...


I wouldnt flame you. He may be unhappy that he is working and will miss out on some family time, BUT, he is stomping his feet and having a hissy fit....that IS being controlling! And basically telling her that she is incompetent is also a controlling move, not to mention extremely degrading to her. THAT was the reason he gave for not wanting her to go. She is perfectly within her right to see her family when she can. Then saying they need to seperate, the way he stated it, was further hissy. I agree with EW that a direct, heart to heart is in line here.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I don't see him as a controlling jerk. He does not have confidence in his wife,s ability to keep the kids safe. Maybe he is using good judgement.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Hicks said:


> I don't think your husband is being unreasonable.
> 
> A family that plays together, stays together.


"Staying together" can't be the goal in and of itself.

If they stay together miserable because they keep each other around through threats, then that is not a positive outcome.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Hicks said:


> I don't see him as a controlling jerk. He does not have confidence in his wife,s ability to keep the kids safe. Maybe he is using good judgement.


Excellent demonstration of putting a poster down instead of reading what they wrote.

She organized a relative to come escort her on the trip. But that just made the husband angrier, proving his issue had nothing to do with safety. Same with you. 

Anyone can play this game. Maybe you're a pedophile or a rapist or some other vile thing. See how easy this is?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If a woman got up and posted that she doesnt think her husband could watch the kids properly on a vacation without Mom, no one would bat an eye.

I am not trying to put anyone down. I personally don't think keeping a husband shut out of a family vacation is any good for a marriage.

I also don't think a man is automatically wrong if he is critical of his wife.... Mabye he is wrong, maybe he is not wrong... I just don't think anyone gets automatic credit for being a good child watcher, just becaue of their gender or title.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Obviously there is more than what we are bieng told and safety is not the main concern here, especially now that the OP's hubby has decided he wants a separation. Heck, he won't be around at all to make sure the kids are safe.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Hicks said:


> If a woman got up and posted that she doesnt think her husband could watch the kids properly on a vacation without Mom, no one would bat an eye.
> 
> I am not trying to put anyone down. I personally don't think keeping a husband shut out of a family vacation is any good for a marriage.
> 
> I also don't think a man is automatically wrong if he is critical of his wife.... Mabye he is wrong, maybe he is not wrong... I just don't think anyone gets automatic credit for being a good child watcher, just becaue of their gender or title.


She said he has limited time off from his job and he is coming on the next trip. She isn't trying to keep him out of it - but she shouldn't have to limit her time with family because his work only gives him a limited amount of time off. I would think this is a good compromise because surely he doesn't want ALL of his vacation time to be spent with HER family - he probably wants some vacation with just his wife and kids, too. If he only gets 2 weeks (for sake of argument) then the next trip to her family WITH him is one of those and that only leaves another week for him to use at the holidays or with his wife/kids this summer.

It isn't about gender or the kids' safety as was pointed out by a few posters above since she got an escort and he wants to separate leaving her with the kids alone at least half the time.

Whether he's resentful of the relationship she has with family or he hates being left alone or he doesn't want them to have fun when he isn't... is for her to figure out. I don't think she should have been deceptive and waited to tell him about it, but this dynamic has been going on for a while if she knew he was going to react negatively.

Either way it's an unhealthy dynamic and I think marriage counseling should be a must here.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Hicks said:


> If a woman got up and posted that she doesnt think her husband could watch the kids properly on a vacation without Mom, no one would bat an eye.


Do you mind sticking with this thread instead of the one you want to create?



> I am not trying to put anyone down. I personally don't think keeping a husband shut out of a family vacation is any good for a marriage.


Thanks. This is a form of denial you see in manipulative people. They deny what they are about to do, immediately before they do it.

So you aren't putting anyone down.... then frame her as shutting the husband out of vacation.

You have to ignore what she actually wrote to make that distorted claim. 



> I also don't think a man is automatically wrong if he is critical of his wife....


Minimization of your behavior while distorting that of others. Nobody made that assumption, and what you are doing is making up a different story altogether about the wife who refused to let her husband go on vacation.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sure, I'll stick with this thread.

I can see where OP's husband is coming from. I for one would not want my wife and kids to take a fun trip without me when I could not get off of work. It would be bad for family bonding, I would want to be able to go, and fun vacations are a key "memory of growing up" that stick with kids for the rest of their lives, and one of their memories of this is Dad was missing... a vacation is a key time to reinforce family togetherness. I would also be nervous about my children and wife going without me as a man is biologically made to protect his loved ones. And thirdly, if I observed that my wife is unhappy with her marriage, I would not think a separate vacation would be the prescription for martial improvement.

That's not to say I agree with many of the OP's husband's tactics... He is doing a bad job keeping his household and family a place where his wife would WANT to spend time together with him and the kids... He is doing a bad job in helping his wife see the greatness in her life and marriage as a SAHM, and he is doing a bad job of creating a situation where his wife's needs for socialization with her family of origin can be met without creating a maritial crisis...

I also don't see how it helps this particular family to say that the husband is a controlling jerk.... He is not ideal but his opinion and his actions must be dealt with by the OP and not dismissed as wrong.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

pb76no said:


> You knew this was being planned by your parents, but waited till the plans were set before telling your husband.


This right here is important. This is you viewing/treating your husband as a second instead of a partner. Do you do this in other aspects of your life? If so, it will make him feel like you are not important to him.


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## rogergrant (Dec 7, 2011)

You know, there are a lot of potential explanations here, but I think that we can all say that the big issue is that the husband is clearly concerned that she is taking this trip without him. All of the other reasons are obviously not the real issue. One of the following is probably involved:

1. There are certainly some men who feel abandoned when the family leaves him to go have a good time while he is stuck working to pay all of the bills. It generates a feeling of abandonment. I'll keep making sacrifices while you have fun isn't particularly appealing. I'm not saying his response was good, but neither was her plan or approach. It was mutual bad behavior.

2. He may want to be physically present to keep her safe for some reason. Perhaps something bad happened in the past to her. Some may call this controlling, but it is protective in a way. A cousin is not the same as him. The fact that she organized the cousin coming without talking about it with him first really puts him in a horrible spot where he can't restate his position without looking bad. He's sort of trapped. 

3. Perhaps he really is just very controlling. It seems that there is more to this story though. Does he constantly keep tabs on you at home? Is he really jealous all of the time, or is it simply that he doesn't want you doing this particular thing or going this particular distance.

There seems to be a bit of a cognitive dissonance on TAM. On one hand, this sort of thing may be seriously close to a deal breaker to him. He has a reason for this line. It isn't in everyone else's marriage, it's in her marriage. Those particular lines are all about the two of them. On one hand, its all about setting personal boundaries, and then someone doesn't agree with someone else's boundary and it becomes all "OH NO HE DIDN'T."


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## Sra (May 25, 2013)

My H is family oriented, hard worker, generous but also has very strong feeling about things and when he wants something he can be bullish about it in my eyes. I def think that a strong part of it is he feels like I am monopolizing vacation time visiting my family, doesnt want us to go away without him (ie feeling left out) and strong feelings of anxiety about them being away from him on trips. For me I knew he didn't want to go. He likes to visit my family but not that much. I was really thinking that it would be so great to see everyone, may never get the chance when im not working and great fun for the kids and he wouldnt have to use up his vacation and we could do other stuff with it. I know that i should have told him about the trip right off but it was just a thought and nothing was planned yet. then when i found out my parent was officially working on dates i told him about it he said "get the dates". when i told him 3 days later my parents wanted to book the trip he said book it well cancel later if we need to so I did. In his defense there he was in the middle of lots of work stuff and I asked him while he was at work (bad. bad on my part) In any case i cancelled that trip and what's done is done. I realize how badly i handled it. My feelings now are working through the disappointment but its just one trip. my residual anger that i am having hard time with are that i feel like he is over-the-top anxious about my doing things with the kids, like they are not safe with me due to criminal elements out there, them getting lost and not knowing how to reach a parent (which they do) those sorts of things. Even when he said he may not come on the other family vacation with my relative that is an annual thing he said you can drive and i'll follow you there and come home to make sure nothing happens. THIS is the part that has put me over the edge and rekindled my anger. Im an adult. I drive all over the place locally with all kids whenever. Its a 3 hr trip! I do feel like when he wants something and i express misgiving about it he disregards and just does it anyway, sometimes it is just after arguing with me about it so much i cant stand it anymore so I just give in. These things a big ticket items. I feel like if he feels very strongly against something no matter his reasoning as a couple it shouldn't be done. I dont feel like he thinks the same way in reverse. I n the end regarding this road trip, I handled it badly but that his concern about me going anywhere with the kids is extreme. I really do. If he wanted to take the kids somewhere and I had to work or couldn't go I would be ok with him going by himself. I would be very anxious, yes and have him call me. Even if the trip was "just sprung on me" if he was taking the kids to see family. I just do.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why are you angry with him if he is anxious about the kids. Don't personalize it.... His phobia is not a knock on you.


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## Sra (May 25, 2013)

I cancelled the road trip to family. What's done is done. I need to let it go but i still feel deeply angry. I know its his phobia. I am trying to understand that its because he has to work, loves his family and doesnt want to feel left out but I still feel angry about it because it would have been great to build relationships and fun for the kids. Of course since then it seems like every mother I know is going on a long road trip themselves so I feel trapped a little. but like i tell my kids i am not concerned with other families..... How do I let it go??


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Sure, I'll stick with this thread.
> 
> I can see where OP's husband is coming from. I for one would not want my wife and kids to take a fun trip without me when I could not get off of work. It would be bad for family bonding, I would want to be able to go, and fun vacations are a key "memory of growing up" that stick with kids for the rest of their lives, and one of their memories of this is Dad was missing... a vacation is a key time to reinforce family togetherness. I would also be nervous about my children and wife going without me as a man is biologically made to protect his loved ones. And thirdly, if I observed that my wife is unhappy with her marriage, I would not think a separate vacation would be the prescription for martial improvement.
> 
> ...



Make sure your wife never takes the kids to do anything fun while you're working. No water park, no bowling, no nothing, because they might have good memories without you. Just sayin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Make sure your wife never takes the kids to do anything fun while you're working. No water park, no bowling, no nothing, because they might have good memories without you. Just sayin.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Holy Hyperbole! There's a world of difference between a vacation / trip and an activity.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Holy Hyperbole! There's a world of difference between a vacation / trip and an activity.


Why? I know it sounds crazy but those little things are responsible for a lot more memories them some big trips. I remember going bowling and to the water park a lot more then I remember the few big family trips we made, and all we did was fight anyway. I suppose if you take a lot of family trips it could even out, and I do think family time is important, but I don't see why kids should be deprived of some fun extended family time because one parent has to work. If you're an involved dad you think your kids won't know that? No amount of trips you couldn't make will remove you from the honored place of dad, but denying them because you're working does just that, denies them. I know it's a little different but my kids are getting ready to go out of state with their dad (my ex) to see his family and they will have happy memories. I will be working. Eventually they will get back and I'll be mom again, nothing will change that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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