# He spends, I save...we argue



## nazzan (Aug 20, 2012)

Well, I don't really know where to begin....I am 26, I have been with my husband for 9yrs married for just over one. We have a business that we both work in, I handle the finances as my husband is admittedly bad with money, if he has it he spends it. I on the other hand like to save money...here is where the conflicts start. 
I am quite content with working shifts with him, and spending evenings together, doing anything, he on the other had doesn't seem to be....he smokes weed, which is not something I like! He has been promising me he would quit for years now! (more fool me for believing it, I know) I give him a nominal wage every week £136 to be exact however he has no bills to pay at all! That money is for his own use as he sees fit. The problem is he never has any money! He gets it in one hand and it is gone with the other, mainly on cigs and weed!!! When he runs out of money he comes to me for more, this is when I 'quizz' him on where his money has gone...
The problem is he seems to get very defensive about it, he has never been good with money, when he had a bank account with his wage going in it from his old job he was always in his overdraft, which I payed off when we got married. It was not a massive amount, £600, but it was money I would rather have saved or spent on us. I am saving for a holiday for us both, looking at some nice places, he knows this, he has been looking too and he has said he doesn't want to go on holiday and have to keep watching what we spend!! 
How can I get it through to him that if he didn't spend so much money on things that he has nothing to show for we wouldn't be *****ing all the time! 
That is just a small part of my life....I am sure he would have his side to it too. I just don't know how to get through to him to just watch what he spends!?


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

9 yrs and you didn't see this before you got married a year ago? You said he is admittedly bad with money, why would that change? From what is in your post, I might focus on the weed first. But either way - money or weed - he has to want to change, you can't make him.


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## nazzan (Aug 20, 2012)

I did see this, but when you sit down together and talk about how you are going to deal with it, you do believe they are going to make the effort to change....He has said to me just today that he needs to change his habbits....he goes out 5 out of 7 nights of the week usually. The shop (our business) doesn't close until 8pm then he will either have tea and go out or just go out. He is home between 10-11pm but I am in bed by then as I get up early the next morning to open the shop.
He said he needs to spend more time at home and to stop smoking so much. I have told him it isnt a marriage right now. Hopefully things will get better...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

nazzan said:


> I did see this, but when you sit down together and talk about how you are going to deal with it, you do believe they are going to make the effort to change.


Hate to burst your bubble but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. You don't follow what people say you follow what they DO. 

Talk is cheap. Anybody can promise to change but it's much harder to actually follow through with it.


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## nazzan (Aug 20, 2012)

true, there is a but though......nothing is so black and white in these situations though is it?
I guess it comes down to what a person can tolerate or find acceptable to live with.....I will find out if love conquers all! 
Thank you for the input though


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

In my marriage, I am the spender, my husband is the saver.

We've been married almost 29 years and guess what - I'm STILL the spender, he's STILL the saver.

I've tried to buckle down and change my spending habits--but it's never worked--it's the way I'm wired--not gonna change.

He's tight-fisted, I've found out that's not gonna change either.

So here's how we solved it so there's no more arguing.

We have a joint account - my retirement, his retirement, my disability (we are both retired miltiary), and my post-retirement paycheck go into the joint account. All our bills, food, gas, etc., come out of that account.

His disability goes into a separate account that DOES NOT have my name on it. That $$ goes for any toys he wants (boat, fishing stuff, guns)--anything that's not a normal expense.

And fortunately, it also goes for big-ticket emergencies (like when our A/C went out, or when our house flooded and we had to cover non-insured issues).

THAT solved the problem. Now I pay all the expenses out of the joint account and spend what I want if we have it available and he saves and feels more secure and has the $$ to spend on the items he wants.

What you need to stop doing is quizzing him like he's a 2-year-old, that would make any adult defensive and resentful. When he spends his money, simply say, no more to spend until your next paycheck, sorry. If you need money, work more or get a second job. He keeps coming to you because even though you fuss at him, he gets the money. You're his wife, not his mother--regardless of whether he's bad with $$ or not, he doesn't need to be interrogated like he's a child.


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## nazzan (Aug 20, 2012)

That is all well and good but it makes no difference if he doesn't have the money or if I say there is no more that you can spend he will just either IOU or borrow the money from elsewhere...I don't find out until he has to pay it back and then he tells me that someone needs paying now....


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

nazzan said:


> That is all well and good but it makes no difference if he doesn't have the money or if I say there is no more that you can spend he will just either IOU or borrow the money from elsewhere...I don't find out until he has to pay it back and then he tells me that someone needs paying now....


Then I guess you have a problem and it doesn't sound like he's going to change it anytime soon.

But you knew this when you married him, so I guess you have to suck it up or leave...maybe you can get him to go to financial counselling with you as a couple?

Us women are famous for marrying someone with baggage and then expecting it to change or figuring that he if he loves me enough he will change.

It never-ever works like that. What you see is what you get--if you expect something different, then you'll both be disappointed.


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

You both need counseling, imho. I'm sure his issues are much deeper than this post and I'm sure the same goes for you. Third party intervention will help the most. If that is unaffordable; just try not to enable his habits. Also, leave emotions to the side when you begin to speak to him about money. Try having financial talks outside of the home/business and don't use terms that intentionally encourage guilt. Start off conversations with a positive tone. Ask him questions like; what are your lifestyle dreams and how soon do you think we can get there? What can I do to help us both reach our dreams? If we could vacation anywhere in the world; where would you want to go? Follow up something like that with; I think we can get there with a few changes...so on and so on..


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

As you mention having tea, I'm going to make the guess you live in the UK. Which, I'm uncertain what the laws are - but, I'm guessing weed is still well, illegal? Has there been any consideration to what happens if he's "pinched" and you have bond or lawyer's fees to pay? 

He's proven repeatedly that he cannot be trusted with your finances. Why are you handing him so much money each week, knowing full well what he's going to do with it? If he has no bills to pay, why does he need that much spending money? Because if you don't he'll just get it from somewhere else? 

Your husband sounds checked out of your relationship. He's straight out said he has no interest in having time with you or going on vacation. He goes out all the time without you, most days of the week. The only thing he seems to enjoy getting out of your relationship is enough money to buy his weed, and the freedom to buy and use it, with your permission in your home. 

He needs drug counseling, if he's serious about quitting. And, you two might need MC and/or financial counseling. What if you two ever decide to have children? Are you going to not pay for your diapers, because he's used the nappy fund for more weed?


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## nazzan (Aug 20, 2012)

I've not been on here for a while! I just read my post and I can't believe it was 2012. I filed for divorce in September 2014. You was right, he wasn't going to change and I was foolish thinking he would. I asked for a divorce in the January 2014 and he was completely shocked. We tried to work on it for the next 6months but things just got worse and worse to the point I had to say to him I can't do this anymore and we separated 23rd August 2014.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Nazzan - congratulations for taking the bull by the horns and filing for divorce.
In some cultures divorce is very much frowned upon....bringing shame on the family etc.

In your original post you said you were 26 and had known your husband for 9 years before you got married.....that would have made you 17 when you met him. 
Perhaps you are more suited as friends than husband and wife?

Anyway...good luck!


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## nazzan (Aug 20, 2012)

Hi, yeah I was 17 when I started seeing him, he was 19. It would be nice to think we could be friends one day but right now he hates me, a feeling that I should be feeling towards him but what good would that do me. 
Divorce wasn't a decision I took lightly, I come from an Asian background and I never thought I would get divorced, but I just couldn't carey on. 
My soon to be ex husband really changed after I asked a divorce back in January last year, he started becoming paranoid searching though hours of CCTV footage in the shop convinced I was having an affair with someone. He even started to video record me while I was sleeping and then accused me of having a man in our bed when he was in the next room watching tv. I then went on to find out he was stealing scratchcards from the business to the amount of £50000 nearly bankrupting me and the business. He then tried to commit suicide and then I found out he was doing cocaine. I just couldn't take it any more. 
The funny thing is, he is now trying to say that I have kicked him out with nothing and he wants to try and take 1/2 of my business which I had before we got married and it is only in my name.
I am just trying to learn how to be happy again and get my shop back on track, I will be a lot more settled when the divorce comes though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you have done the right thing. Hopefully he will not be able to mess with your business and you can get on with your life.

How much longer will it take for the divorce to go through?


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