# Confused and Sad



## Sadnewlywed (Nov 10, 2018)

Hello all, I am a newlywed. Only been married a couple of months. Been together 4 1/2 years. It hasn’t always been easy. We are both stubborn. My husband battles depression. He works a job he hates and is hoping to leave in January or February of next year. He is hoping this will ease his depression. I really hope so as well but this will be the 3rd job he left ( I don’t have a problem with that as I have bounced around trying to follow my dream as well) and has HATED all of them. I just worry that the job is not the full source of his depression. Before we met, he planned to move across the country, he stayed because of me. Lately with his depression I have felt like I do nothing but hold him back. He copes by drinking and smoking in my opinion. I come from a family of addicts so this really upsets me and turns me off. He constantly tells me I am not there for him, I view everyone else in my life as more important than him, I am happier around all of them etc. I have not been perfect. I vented to a friend and sister after one of our awful fights where I truly thought we were ending things for good. My friend and sister got concerned that we were not meant to be together and approached me about it via text at work so that just upset me even more. He was upset that I spoke to them. He says I only think of myself and not him. Tonight I said some awful and ridiculous. We got in a huge fight after having a less than spectacular week. Earlier today he told me he feels hollow and dead inside. Tonight I screamed out that I don’t know why we got married. Has anyone been on the receiving end of this? Is there anyway to repair what is broken?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

CBT(cognitive behavioral therapy) does seem to help with depression and distorted thinking. When it is combined with counseling it is much more effective. Many times, a depressed individual does not realize how much their affliction affects all of their decisions and life. Sometimes, that person cannot help it and needs medication to help them cope. 

I hope he decides to get checked out and accepts help before it is too late for him and your marriage. He will damage your relationship over time.

Some folks start with a visit to their regular doctor. Some start with seeing a counselor and end up seeing a psychiatrist for a short period, until their meds are adjusted properly, but he would hav to be vigilant and honest with himself and his doctors. 

Anyway, I do hope he gets checked out soon. Sorry you are dealing with this.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You recognize the problem.
Most of it.

That, in itself, is good.

You 'know' you add to the bad situation. 
That too is helpful.

Fighting with, fighting back against a depressed person will only make them worse.

If you truly want to fix this, you must not push his buttons.
He knows he has issues.
He knows he is doing a poor job in making himself stronger.

He needs to be handled quietly, with forethought.

If you love him, do this.

If you no longer love him, leave him....quietly.

In any case, he needs anti-anxiety medication.

In the best case, he needs to occupy his free time with very strenuous aerobic exercise.
Such as running, or power walking, bicycling, swimming.

He needs to run his energy down, run his stress levels down. Daily exercise does this.

He must quit smoking and drinking alcohol. Those chemicals and after-effects makes exercise near impossible


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Sadnewlywed said:


> He copes by drinking and smoking in my opinion. I come from a family of addicts
> He constantly tells me I am not there for him, I view everyone else in my life as more important than him, I am happier around all of them etc.
> Is there anyway to repair what is broken?


I got news. You not only come from a family of addicts, you are married to one. Sadly, this may be the reason why you felt "comfortable" being with him, the devil you know is less scary than the devil you don't.

This is characteristic of an addictive personality, blaming everyone else for his problem.

When he stops blaming others, and starts looking into himself for the cause of his problems, there's hope. Until he does, there isn't.

You can't fix it, you can't change it, you can't control it.

Take a visit to a local Al-Anon group.


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## Sadnewlywed (Nov 10, 2018)

He has received counseling that was working very well. I received counseling as well. We both stopped going as it was $100+ for each of us each visit. I know I am willing to go back, I don’t know if he is. He thinks he has figured everything out. He is extremely against medication because he knows too many people who have had bad results while on anti anxiety or anti depressants. I have tried to get him go exercise, I am a big health enthusiast. Work out and eat right, he just can’t seem to get interested in it. His symptoms were a lot better when he had a manual labor job and he does know that. I just feel like anytime I suggest something that is proven to help, he shoots me down. He just sees me as calling him a drunk, when that isn’t what I am doing. I come from it so I understand it. I also have seen most of my family go through recovery or if they were just coping through a hard time with alcohol I have seen them cut back tremendously. He knows he copes with it but won’t change. I have been to al-anon due to my past. Thank you all for your input. Anyone else’s is welcome as well. I have no idea what to do.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It seems like you have come to some conclusions. Maybe it's time to take action. That's got to be a decision you alone make. Do not do what others tell you, but choose your own path. I'm sorry. Truly, I am. You know his obstinance is a symptom of depression. You can't force him to do anything. It's very sad. 

My hope is that someone else may have some great ideas for you to consider. Take care of yourself and know that you are likely depressed due to this awful situation.


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## Sadnewlywed (Nov 10, 2018)

I do feel depressed from it and I’m not usually a depressed person. I just feel like I tried to break free from the relationship before we were married but he was always telling me how much he loves me and we are meant to be. From my point of view sometimes love isn’t enough, but leading up to the wedding and the wedding itself everything was wonderful. But now, telling him last night, that I don’t know why we got married, he will never let that go. He holds everything against me. It just came out more as a smart a** reply to being so overly sick of fighting then a whole hearted I don’t know why we got married.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sadnewlywed said:


> I do feel depressed from it and I’m not usually a depressed person. I just feel like I tried to break free from the relationship before we were married but he was always telling me how much he loves me and* we are meant to be*. From my point of view sometimes *love isn’t enough*, but leading up to the wedding and the wedding itself everything was wonderful. But now, telling him last night, that I don’t know why we got married, he will never let that go. He holds everything against me. It just came out more as a smart a** reply to being so overly sick of fighting then a whole hearted I don’t know why we got married.


Oh boy, truly, no couple is meant to be, and, love alone is never enough. So sorry. Please do not get pregnant. Be very careful.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this book: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft. See if you recognize your husband in it. You can get it online.

Then come back and let us know.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Doesn't seem like the typical wife beater, but I suppose he could be. I tend to think anyone can be a spouse abuser... and are at some point.


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## Sadnewlywed (Nov 10, 2018)

No he’s a good man who is hurting. He has never once even looked like he would hit me or physically hurt me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

2ntnuf said:


> Doesn't seem like the typical wife beater, but I suppose he could be. I tend to think anyone can be a spouse abuser... and are at some point.


If you're referring to the book I listed, 80% of all abusive men never lift a finger to anyone. It's all about controlling day-to-day episodes so that the woman doesn't decide to leave him.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> You recognize the problem.
> Most of it.
> 
> That, in itself, is good.
> ...


All excellent advice. And I will add drinking as a way to cope is completely counter productive. The after effects of the alcohol (withdrawal) mimic the feelings of anxiety and depression. So he's adding to his issues.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> If you're referring to the book I listed, 80% of all abusive men never lift a finger to anyone. It's all about controlling day-to-day episodes so that the woman doesn't decide to leave him.


Ah yes, never lift a finger. :surprise:

Sigh....no, fat chance :frown2:

Some lift a finger, wag it to and fro, then wag it up and down, inches from your face. 
Next comes the error pointing. 

Followed by, "When will you learn?" :|

Some lift the middle finger, after picking their nose, then flicking at you, those lame boogers.
Still, ever still, pointing out your erroneous ways. :|

Followed up by the obligatory, "Can't you do anything right?" :grin2:


Nope, I guess not. :grin2:


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Sadnewlywed said:


> He has received counseling that was working very well. I received counseling as well. We both stopped going as it was $100+ for each of us each visit. I know I am willing to go back, I don’t know if he is. *He thinks he has figured everything out.* He is extremely against medication because he knows too many people who have had bad results while on anti anxiety or anti depressants. I have tried to get him go exercise, I am a big health enthusiast. Work out and eat right, *he just can’t seem to get interested in it. *His symptoms were a lot better when he had a manual labor job and he does know that. I just feel like *anytime I suggest something that is proven to help, he shoots me down*. He just sees me as calling him a drunk, when that isn’t what I am doing. I come from it so I understand it. I also have seen most of my family go through recovery or if they were just coping through a hard time with alcohol I have seen them cut back tremendously. He knows he copes with it but won’t change. I have been to al-anon due to my past. Thank you all for your input. Anyone else’s is welcome as well. I have no idea what to do.


Bolded above and below are manipulative and controlling statements or approaches by him.

* But now, telling him last night, that I don’t know why we got married, he will never let that go. He holds everything against me. It just came out more as a smart a** reply to being so overly sick of fighting then a whole hearted I don’t know why we got married. *

His MO is attack because he knows he is wrong to let alcohol rule his life, but he loves it more than you. I'd be questioning my marriage if I were you. This was a valid statement at the time.

Because of your FOO you know what is in front of you. Is this how you want to live your life? You can only change yourself.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

@Sadnewlywed,

I'd appreciate more information. I don't see what the others see. I think, you hurting him so deeply with what you said was abusive. I don't think him not liking your health hobbies is abusive. I think that's his choice and if that makes him incompatible, then so be it. 

I don't think him thinking he has his life figured out from his time spent in counseling is abusive, either. Again, maybe you two aren't compatible?

And, you said you feel like anytime you suggest something that is proven to work, according to whom I don't know, he shoots you down. He doesn't have to do what you tell him. He can make up his mind for himself. If that isn't compatible, then it's time to think about divorce. Again, I don't think that is abusive.

I sort of feel like you are trying to control him. 

That's why I'm asking for more information. There could be abuse going on, but with what you have posted, I don't see it, yet. I don't want to give you a false impression, though.


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## Sadnewlywed (Nov 10, 2018)

I don’t feel like he is abusing or controlling. I know him better than anyone. I know he is hurting and I know what I said last night was wrong. What I was asking was if anyone has been in his position where someone was so awful and dumb to them and how they dealt with it. He was very forgiving to me this evening. We talked it out. He knows I didn’t mean what I said. We know we love each other and we have to work on things. I don’t try to control him. I would like him to stop coping with unhealthy habits and engage in something healthier. I don’t view that as abusive.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Sadnewlywed said:


> I don’t try to control him. I would like him to stop coping with unhealthy habits and engage in something healthier. I don’t view that as abusive.


I believe you, and I don't think it's abusive to want someone to have healthier behavior. The thing I want you to understand is that no amount of telling somebody something they already know is going to make them change. The only thing it will do is make them angry, and over time, it will cause them to "dig in their heels" and resist your suggestions.

I'd also like to ask you a serious rhetorical question. Can you live alone (and, I don't mean with family, friends, etc. - I mean alone) and support yourself completely in the financial and emotional realms of your life?

If the answer is yes, then please, whatever else you do, remain that way. 
If the answer is no, then please, consider what you would need to do to get into this position, and do it. ASAP.


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