# Husband barely wants me to touch him...



## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

So my husband and I have been together for going on 8 years. We're still pretty young, 25 & 27, and have 4 kids. My problem is he barely wants to touch me. If I try to sit on his lap, put my leg on him, hug him, etc, he'll tell me to get off him and push me off. If I try to lay on his chest, it's just awkward because he doesn't even try to hold me or put his arm around me. We use to be intimate like 4 times a month, which isn't a lot to me...now it's down to like twice a month...and it still only lasts like 5 minutes. He also refuses to go down on me, but always wants me to. I've brought all this up multiple times and nothing changes. It's gotten to the point where I've gave up and stopped trying. It's so frustrating!


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Just curious - is either of you currently on birth control? If I were 27 years old with 4 kids and neither my wife nor I were on birth control, I wouldn't want that 5th child to be coming along shortly either, so I might not want to be intimate that often.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

He probably should have testosterone levels checked 1st. If they are 'normal' but low, consider things to boost T levels. If low, then aggressively treat.

If not that, any chance his is having an affair? This is speculation, I'd confirm T levels 1st.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Is he afraid that you'll get pregnant again, perhaps? It also sounds like he was never very sexual previously, so a reduction by half isn't a big deal to him, but is to you as the higher drive partner.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

We could use more details, but off the bat it sounds like gradual onset of depression or low T. How's the relationship otherwise?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Is he afraid that you'll get pregnant again, perhaps? It also sounds like he was never very sexual previously, so a reduction by half isn't a big deal to him, but is to you as the higher drive partner.


i agree. i don't think ONLY fear of pregnancy by itself would cause this. all he would have to say is "honey, i'd love to, but i'm afraid of getting us pregnant". Even that still would not explain the odd behavior of no intimacy at all. you can still both get your rocks off in other ways than PIV. and the 'no hugging/cuddling' thing?

just plain odd. somethin's up with this boy.


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## LostinNE (Aug 31, 2015)

Torn by 2 said:


> So my husband and I have been together for going on 8 years. We're still pretty young, 25 & 27, and have 4 kids. My problem is he barely wants to touch me. If I try to sit on his lap, put my leg on him, hug him, etc, he'll tell me to get off him and push me off. If I try to lay on his chest, it's just awkward because he doesn't even try to hold me or put his arm around me. We use to be intimate like 4 times a month, which isn't a lot to me...now it's down to like twice a month...and it still only lasts like 5 minutes. He also refuses to go down on me, but always wants me to. I've brought all this up multiple times and nothing changes. It's gotten to the point where I've gave up and stopped trying. It's so frustrating!


About when did this behavior ( no cuddling, no oral, etc ) begin and what life events were occurring ( between the two of you, work, etc ) ?


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> Just curious - is either of you currently on birth control? If I were 27 years old with 4 kids and neither my wife nor I were on birth control, I wouldn't want that 5th child to be coming along shortly either, so I might not want to be intimate that often.


Lol. My tubes are tied...but he actually wouldn't mine another ?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP.... when my dad returned from Vietnam in the 60s (I realize you are MUCH younger than this) he was super-depressed. He had four children under the age of 5 (my two brothers plus a set of twin sisters). He had to deal with all the crap from the WAR, plus four kids -- and one on the way! (Yes, my mom "surprised" him... "Guess what??? We're expecting. AGAIN!!" (Yes, we're all Catholic )

Years later when we were all adults, my oldest brother told me that my Dad told him.... my dad's darkest hours were realizing that he had SIX mouths to feed and support -- his wife, his four children, PLUS the little one (my brother) on the way. And guess what? They got pregnant one more time (ME!) but by then he knew he was retiring and had a career plan in place. He went on to a VERY accomplished career with the Department of the Treasury.

My point?

Your husband is likely clinically depressed. That's why his willy isn't working. "Normal" men don't shun their wives, sexually speaking.

Your husband has a LOT weighing on his mind. You have LOTS of little ones, and he is feeling overwhelmed.

Counseling would help BOTH of you. Individual counseling for him, marriage counseling for both of you.


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

About when did this behavior ( no cuddling, no oral, etc ) begin and what life events were occurring ( between the two of you, work, etc ) ?[/QUOTE]

No cuddling has been a few years now. Ive brought it up numerous times. He's never done oral...in his life...he says. He told me he would when we got married, but still no. The only life events that occurred were are children. Many nights, they're all asleep and still nothing.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Torn by 2 said:


> Lol. My tubes are tied...but he actually wouldn't mine another ?


Thanks, Torn. Since another pregnancy isn't a concern, then like others have suggested, something is up with him. You may want to do a little investigating. Do you have access to his phone? How about the phone records so you could see if he's texting any numbers repeatedly?


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> OP.... when my dad returned from Vietnam in the 60s (I realize you are MUCH younger than this) he was super-depressed. He had four children under the age of 5 (my two brothers plus a set of twin sisters). He had to deal with all the crap from the WAR, plus 4 kids -- and one on the way!
> 
> Years later when we were all adults, my oldest brother told me that my Dad told him.... his darkest hours were realizing that he had SIX mouths to feed and support -- his wife, his four children, PLUS the one (my brother) on the way. And guess what? They got pregnant one more time (ME!) but by then he knew he was retiring and had a career plan in place.
> 
> ...


All our children are under the age of 6 and I know it can be stressful. But I work too and pay bills. I don't leave everything to him. I have the children 24/7 (I have my own daycare), so I don't understand how it would weigh on him so much. Maybe counseling would help to figure it out, if he'd be up to it.


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> Torn by 2 said:
> 
> 
> > Lol. My tubes are tied...but he actually wouldn't mine another ?
> ...


It seems like he's always on his phone, playing some game, but I'd be able to check it out when he's sleep. As far as phone records, he just switched companies, so I wouldn't have access to that. I know that this is always a possibility. I've never caught him before, but came across some questionable stuff throughout the years.


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

JoeHenderson said:


> We could use more details, but off the bat it sounds like gradual onset of depression or low T. How's the relationship otherwise?


I think he would be insulted if I suggested low T, but that could definitely be it.

Otherwise, it's okay. I just feel like we're roommates. He takes care of home and the kids, just seems like I'm neglected.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Torn by 2 said:


> It seems like he's always on his phone, playing some game, but I'd be able to check it out when he's sleep. As far as phone records, he just switched companies, so I wouldn't have access to that. I know that this is always a possibility. I've never caught him before, but came across some questionable stuff throughout the years.


OK, you've seen some red flags over the years, so I think it makes sense to dig a little deeper. I also wouldn't discount what Happy as a Clam said about maybe him being overwhelmed with 4 young kids and a wife. Perhaps it's a combination of both...


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Could he be upset that you can't have more kids? Do you think that he might have been using kids to tie you to him? 

I'm just thinking if he knew there was a problem, such as more sex than he wanted, maybe he was trying to make it harder for you to leave so he could lower his output to his natural levels?


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## bc3543 (Aug 24, 2015)

Why did you two get married in the first place? Was he naturally attracted to you then, or were you "forced" into marriage by a pregnancy or birth of a child? What has changed? Would you consider yourself physically attractive and in shape?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Torn by 2 said:


> So my husband and I have been together for going on 8 years. We're still pretty young, 25 & 27, and have 4 kids. My problem is he barely wants to touch me.
> 
> ...now it's down to like twice a month...and it still only lasts like 5 minutes. He also refuses to go down on me, but always wants me to. *I've brought all this up multiple times and nothing changes. It's gotten to the point where I've gave up and stopped trying.* It's so frustrating!


One of the biggest problems in marriage is that couples communicate things to their spouse that they don't realize they are communicating. Also sometimes they communicate feelings in the wrong love languages that the other can not decode.

If you have been with him for 8 years, don't you suppose he knows how to read your body language, facial expressions and tone of voice? Will you acknowledge that between your talks and actions that he knows that you "....gave up and stopped trying...."

How do you think that makes him feel about you? How do you think that makes him feel about himself?

Now put yourself in his shoes for a minute. He is the father of 4 at a young age. Assuming he isn't independently wealthy or in incredible demand by the workforce, he is probably struggling with the financial responsibility he is under to support his family (even if you have a great job). I would wager that he has fears of what could happen if he looses his job and in today's job market one can loose their job for the craziest of reasons.

Another thing to ponder is how has 4 children in 8 years of being together changed his view of you? Does he view you now as the mother of his children, who has little time for him or does he still view you as his lover? There really is the "madona/[email protected]" thing that mentally messes up some men in their relationships. 

In you discussions with him have you talked to him about his "fears and feelings?" Is he afraid of having more children? Is he afraid of all the responsibilities he has of being a father of 4? Has he changed his view of himself from your lover and husband to the father of your children? Has he changed his view of you from his wife and lover to the mother of your children?

My suggestion is that the two of you really talk to each other and find out what the other is thinking, fearing and feeling.

I really do wish you the best of luck. May I suggest that you both read Chapman's 5 languages of love and discuss it. The reason is that my wife and I drifted apart from each other even though just about every day we told each other of our love in languages that the other could not understand.


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

I Don't Know said:


> Could he be upset that you can't have more kids? Do you think that he might have been using kids to tie you to him?
> 
> I'm just thinking if he knew there was a problem, such as more sex than he wanted, maybe he was trying to make it harder for you to leave so he could lower his output to his natural levels?


It was a joint decision not to have more. We discussed for a while until we made the decision together. During all my pregnancies, he didn't want to have sex with me after I reached 4 or 5 months, so that could very well be the case.


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

bc3543 said:


> Why did you two get married in the first place? Was he naturally attracted to you then, or were you "forced" into marriage by a pregnancy or birth of a child? What has changed? Would you consider yourself physically attractive and in shape?


We got married because we loved eachieve other very much. He used to always be attracted to me physically and emotionally. We were having sex like every day the first few years. Then it just has gone down since. 

I think I'm attractive and in shape, especially for having 4 kids. I have a little pudge, but weigh less than 140. I recently started working out, since I thought that maybe this was the case, but he's been kind of criticizing me for that.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Without more details, I can only offer a basic opinion. 

Either he doesn't want sex or he doesn't want sex with you. 

Have you both changed significantly physically during your years married? For you I'd assume yes after 4 children but I could be wrong. Don't misinterpret my question. We all change physically throughout life, but sometimes that change has more of an impact on the desire to be physically intimate, whether increasing or decreasing. Sometimes it has no impact. It depends on the person. 

Any signs or red flags that he might have some female attention from another source? It's always good to be aware. 

Also, if he's a rather quiet and private man, it's likely that if he felt unsupported or resentful, he won't say anything about it and brood. That's not healthy, so to start I'd encourage frank, open discussion about why he's not interested in intimacy. Be open to his responses. He has to feel secure in telling his side without judgement. What you DO about his answer is up to you. 

The no oral thing was important to you, and he made a promise he had no intention of keeping. This should tell you much. His actions told you that he wasn't going to perform oral on you. Marriage isn't going to magically make someone want to perform oral. 
Personally, I won't accept a relationship where a man won't go down on me. I said as much to my SO on our second date. Yes, I am that up front and Frank, because I knew it was important to me.


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> Torn by 2 said:
> 
> 
> > So my husband and I have been together for going on 8 years. We're still pretty young, 25 & 27, and have 4 kids. My problem is he barely wants to touch me.
> ...


Our last discussion got pretty heated and I told him that I'll stop trying. I'm rejected nearly every attempt and it hurts. That may make him feel like I gave up on him, but at the same time, how many times do I need to feel hurt and rejected?

It is a lot to provide for a family of 6, so, yes, a job is crucial and may have him worried. But why shut out the one person that is there for you. He doesn't even tell me what's going on, when I know he's bothered. It's like his only interest concerning me is raising the kids. I make time for us many evenings and I end up laying alone in bed while he plays video games. I feel like I try all I can.

Children wise, he wanted a lot of kids. He actually recently said something about wanting another! Suggesting adopting later on. So I wouldn't think that that's what stresses him. Why would he want more if he can't really deal with 4? 

I'll see about reading your book. I'm always open to reading up on advice. I highly doubt he will. I'll also have yet another talk and hope that with these insights it goes somewhere.


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

Satya said:


> Without more details, I can only offer a basic opinion.
> 
> Either he doesn't want sex or he doesn't want sex with you.
> 
> ...



Physically, I've gained 10-15 lbs since we met and have a little pudge. I've recently started working out, but he's been kind of making fun of me about it. Like, I told him I started working out and that I did an hour of cardio and he was like that's not gonna do nothing.

He's gained a little weight over the years, but nothing that's bothered me. I will tell you something crazy though. I've NEVER seen him with his shirt off! So, I've always thought he was insecure about himself. Whenever I bring it up...he says I'm insecure...

The oral bothers me because I'm his wife. At least try! If he doesn't like it then okay. There's been no attempt, yet he always gets his, although I really don't care for it. But I'm his wife, so if that's what pleases you, I'm down.

I guess I need to look into the option of there being someone else. Since the interest is definitely not on me.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

This sounds like low T


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Agree that it's most likely low T, but perhaps double checking phone records and his phone (if possible) for texts to ensure there isn't an affair going on would be prudent.

There are a number of guys in their 40s on this forum who would be quite happy to have sex daily. IMHO, it's not normal to only want sex 2 times/mo as a 27 year old.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Agree that it's most likely low T, but perhaps double checking phone records and his phone (if possible) for texts to ensure there isn't an affair going on would be prudent.
> 
> There are a number of guys in their 40s on this forum who would be quite happy to have sex daily. IMHO, it's not normal to only want sex 2 times/mo as a 27 year old.


That's what I was thinking. It seemed like once a week was their baseline, so maybe he was on the lower end to begin with? 

OP, the other thing that you mentioned was also that he's making fun of you and body shaming you. That sucks! I'd also be concerned if he has a wandering eye.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Torn by 2 said:


> Physically, I've gained 10-15 lbs since we met and have a little pudge. *I've recently started working out, but he's been kind of making fun of me about it.* Like, I told him I started working out and that I did an hour of cardio and he was like that's not gonna do nothing.
> 
> He's gained a little weight over the years, but nothing that's bothered me. I will tell you something crazy though. I've NEVER seen him with his shirt off! So, I've always thought he was insecure about himself. Whenever I bring it up...he says I'm insecure...
> 
> ...


My official diagnosis is that your husband is a d!ck.

You're trying to be better and he is making fun of you. My exW did the same thing when I tried to lose weight. Keep it up!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

He's probably scared of getting you pregnant with a 5th child, even though your tubes are tied.

Have either of you let yourselves go? Not as great shape anymore and insecure?

You sound like a HD "high sex drive" wife and could have sex a 3+ times each week. Where as your hubby is more LD "low sex drive" and could have sex 1 - 2x times month.

Has he always had the lower sex drive? Only recent?

You gained 10 to 15 lbs? That's it? Wow, to me, that's nothing and fantastic. I'd rather have a woman that has some meat on her bones than a pretty stick of a woman any day.

If he truly has low Test levels, your family doctor can prescribe regular injections and that will solve his sex drive very quickly.


In my situation, my wifee is a bigger girl and extremely insecure about her size. Result is a low sex drive, maybe 1 - 2x month since we got married 16 years ago. Myself on the other hand, I could have sex every day and multiple times on occasion.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

Does he look at a lot of Porn? I know I will get backlash for asking but it is a problem with users detaching themselves from real partners. 

https://www.thrillist.com/entertainment/nation/why-i-gave-up-internet-porn


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Torn by 2 said:


> ....I gave up on him, but at the same time, *how many times do I need to feel hurt and rejected?*
> 
> It is a lot to provide for a family of 6, so, yes, a job is crucial and may have him worried.* But why shut out the one person that is there for you..... *
> 
> I'll see about reading your book. I'm always open to reading up on advice. I highly doubt he will. I'll also have yet another talk and hope that with these insights it goes somewhere.


*How many times* is up to you. Since you are the once reaching out for advice, I assumed you were willing to try a little bit more. If you give up and and he gives up nothing will improve. If you want him to be in your life and a big part of your kids life BOTH of you will need to change. MW Davis book Divorce Busting talks about how one partner in a failing marriage can change themself and do 180's in a way that forces their partner to look at them differently and to change they way they treat you. They get to choose how they treat you and it may either improve or make things worse, but it will change the dynamic between the two of you. MW Davis would also advice you to do things to "Get a Life" and become more active and interesting. You could take up walking, swimming or bicycling with your 4 children. Or you could just maintain the status quo until you eventually divorce.
*
Why?* In my sex starved marriage, before reconciliation I needed my wife's touch and praise to feel loved and cherished. She was angry with me, so she withheld those from me. I felt she pushed me away. I devoted myself more to work, where coworkers and clients praised me. I was advanced quite quickly to a senior management position. I told myself I was doing this to be a good provider. I actually was doing it to feel emotionally valued. Do you know what is motivating your husband? Chapman's 5 language of love helped me figure out my motivation and my wife's. You might find it eye-opening.

It was a downward spiral. The more hours I worked the more my wife felt neglected and the worse she treated me. Then the sex starved marriage part started and I felt really pushed away. She was angry and I was angry and trapped. 

Yes I stayed up late reading, doing work, or playing on the computer. If I went to bed before I was totally exhausted, my sexual yearnings for her were too much and if I tried to reach out to her she would emotionally hurt me. So I stayed up and didn't come to bed until she was asleep and I was exhausted.

Neither of us understood that we were in a cycle were we were pushing each other farther and farther away. Ultimately, I got fed up with the rejection and her emotionally hurting me. 

I read everything I could about relationships and worked to change myself. Then I worked on making my wife feel loved each and every day in her love languages. I did it in a way that asked nothing from her, it was unconditional. Ultimately my wife agreed to marriage counseling with a sex therapist and some marriage counseling workshops. That was not quite 5 years ago. We are much happier now, but it was not easy.

Good luck. I hope you get what you are looking for. Saving a marriage is really hard work, because the first thing you need to do is change yourself for you without any encouragement from your spouse. You can't change your spouse. You can only change yourself and be a role model to your spouse so that they know change is possible. Then if they try to change, you can encourage and support positive changes.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Is this just another LD/HD situation?


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

I Don't Know said:


> Torn by 2 said:
> 
> 
> > Physically, I've gained 10-15 lbs since we met and have a little pudge. *I've recently started working out, but he's been kind of making fun of me about it.* Like, I told him I started working out and that I did an hour of cardio and he was like that's not gonna do nothing.
> ...


Ha! Thanks! I'm doing it for me, not him. =)


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> He's probably scared of getting you pregnant with a 5th child, even though your tubes are tied.
> 
> Have either of you let yourselves go? Not as great shape anymore and insecure?
> 
> ...


His sex drive had gone down over the years. Initially was very frequent and he couldn't get his hands off me. Idk what's changed. It went from everyday, to every other day, to twice a week, to once a week, to every other week....so it wasn't sudden. Just gradual. So maybe it is low T. I just doubt he'd go to a doc because of embarrassment. 

So like last night, all the kids are asleep and he initiated sex. A quickie....like 5 minutes. I don't understand. We have opportunities, but he doesn't take them.


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> Torn by 2 said:
> 
> 
> > ....I gave up on him, but at the same time, *how many times do I need to feel hurt and rejected?*
> ...


Thanks for the help. You have some very good points and your situation seems very similar to ours. I will be getting this book and hope that it will help us. I will continue to do my part and as you said, maybe that will encourage him to make some changes.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ignore him picking on you about exercise and keep at it. It's good for you. He's trying to sabotage your efforts, but it will only work if you let it.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You've never seen your husband without a shirt? Did I read that right up thread?

He's also never given you, or anyone else, oral despite you letting him know you wanted it and him saying he would after you got married?

And now the sex is rare to non-existent.

I wonder if there is something in his head that is causing the problem. Not being naked in front of your own spouse, not even being willing to try oral, rare sex, only 27...none of that together says low T as many have suggested. Men with low T are usually a decade or so older, will still go shirtless, and go down.

Does he like receiving oral? Has he ever explored sex play beyond PIV in one or two positions? What about foreplay? Time touching and being touched, obviously into it, that kind of thing? Toys together? Porn together?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Dear Torn,

Stop. Stop trying to be affectionate. Stop trying to initiate sex. Stop everything. No more BJ's, no more cuddling, nothing! Stop all of it.

Be pleasant, be polite, speak calmly and happily. After a week or two of stoping all forms of affection ask him for some time so the two of you can talk about the state of the marriage.

Your husband has some nerve picking on you post baby body (X4) while he won't go down on you but is happy to be serviced. Ugh, please girl what the hell are you doing here? 

I agree with I don't Know, your husband is a d!ck! Really where does he get off making disparaging remarks about your body when he is too chicken to be seen with his shirt off? What's he hiding? Man boobs? Chicken neck? Girly shoulders?

If this marriage has any chance at all of making it, you two need marriage counseling In The Worst Way!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

It is easier to try to tear someone down to your level then put in the effort of improving one's self. It is use to most likely hide his own insecurity and to keep you from improving because you will find better options. So he tries destroying your self worth to match his own, hoping that will keep you stuck.

Funny thing though, some spouses do that and an affair occurs when an outside party gives the neglected spouse validation.

That is why you should not let him discourage you into bettering yourself, he does probably does not want you to grow as a person.

Just first seek self validation. At least you are working and putting in effort, something you should be proud of. Also the foods, getting enough sunlight and at least 8 to 9 hours of sleep will help with your mood.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Torn by 2 said:


> So my husband and I have been together for going on 8 years. We're still pretty young, 25 & 27, and have 4 kids. My problem is he barely wants to touch me. If I try to sit on his lap, put my leg on him, hug him, etc, he'll tell me to get off him and push me off. If I try to lay on his chest, it's just awkward because he doesn't even try to hold me or put his arm around me. We use to be intimate like 4 times a month, which isn't a lot to me...now it's down to like twice a month...and it still only lasts like 5 minutes. *He also refuses to go down on me, but always wants me to.* I've brought all this up multiple times and nothing changes. It's gotten to the point where I've gave up and stopped trying. It's so frustrating!


He's a selfish a$$hole.

Unfortunately, four kids and 25 isn't a good time to be finding this out.

I don't know, no more kids, and a 180 for you until you can find a way out?


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> You've never seen your husband without a shirt? Did I read that right up thread?
> 
> He's also never given you, or anyone else, oral despite you letting him know you wanted it and him saying he would after you got married?
> 
> Does he like receiving oral? Has he ever explored sex play beyond PIV in one or two positions? What about foreplay? Time touching and being touched, obviously into it, that kind of thing? Toys together? Porn together?


You read correct! Never seen him without his shirt off for 8 years! And yes that also means that we have never showered/bathed together, despite me bringing it up numerous times. His response? "One day". He says it feels weird having sex completely naked. ???

He does like receiving oral. At one point, he said he didn't want me to do it and that lasted a couple of months. We've explored many positions, but mainly stick to the basic. Foreplay is mostly non existent...He doesn't like kissing...I've brought up toys and got shut down and we tried porn once in the very beginning of our relationship.


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> It is easier to try to tear someone down to your level then put in the effort of improving one's self. It is use to most likely hide his own insecurity and to keep you from improving because you will find better options. So he tries destroying your self worth to match his own, hoping that will keep you stuck.
> 
> Funny thing though, some spouses do that and an affair occurs when an outside party gives the neglected spouse validation.
> 
> ...


This is what I've been thinking lately. That he does not want me to better myself in any way. Even small stuff, like changing my hair, he seems to have an issue with. I changed my hair color the other day and I asked if he liked it. His response? "You did it for you, not me". Never a compliment or something positive.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Give him all the space he wants.... then wait.

Focus on just enjoying life....

He will get curious and come to you.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Bide your time. Get him to help with the kids. Get him to help pay for education that will enable you to advance your career. Use him for whatever he can do to improve your life. When the time is right for you, dump him and find a man who deserves you.

Whatever you do, NO MORE KIDS with this man.


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

Holdingontoit said:


> Bide your time. Get him to help with the kids. Get him to help pay for education that will enable you to advance your career. Use him for whatever he can do to improve your life. When the time is right for you, dump him and find a man who deserves you.
> 
> Whatever you do, NO MORE KIDS with this man.



This is something that has seriously been coming to my mind lately. I have a Bachelors Degree already and I'm very educated and can be independent. I think he is just blind to it and thinks I, with 4 children, can't live without him.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

The guy is overwhelmed... I do not believe the answer to this is to use him then throw him away, he is the father of your children for cryin out loud. He needs space to recover from bringing four children into the world. Some guys go through this when kids come around. Its pretty frequent. Give the man some space and he will come around. If he was a great guy before kids, this is situational and not permanent. I think in time you may need to ask him to get professional help with his overwhelm, but being demanding for attention while he is not capable isn't going to work and only leave you upset. Don't do that to yourself. Be mature, give him space, quit worrying so much, relax, keep yourself busy... leave him alone for a while and I bet he will have enough space to recover a little and be able to be there emotionally. And of he doesn't come around then you will know he needs professional help and can address that at that time, not before.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Torn by 2 said:


> You read correct! Never seen him without his shirt off for 8 years! And yes that also means that we have never showered/bathed together, despite me bringing it up numerous times. His response? "One day". He says it feels weird having sex completely naked. ???
> 
> He does like receiving oral. At one point, he said he didn't want me to do it and that lasted a couple of months. We've explored many positions, but mainly stick to the basic. Foreplay is mostly non existent...He doesn't like kissing...I've brought up toys and got shut down and we tried porn once in the very beginning of our relationship.


I'd bet money against low T or any physical cause. I think he just isn't that into sex and doesn't have much of a sex drive.



Torn by 2 said:


> This is what I've been thinking lately. That he does not want me to better myself in any way. Even small stuff, like changing my hair, he seems to have an issue with. I changed my hair color the other day and I asked if he liked it. His response? "You did it for you, not me". Never a compliment or something positive.


And I'd be willing to bet that he knows you are sexually unsatisfied, that he has too low of a drive and is too limited sexually for you, and is critical because he is afraid these little changes will net you a man who can give you what he cannot.



Torn by 2 said:


> This is something that has seriously been coming to my mind lately. I have a Bachelors Degree already and I'm very educated and can be independent. I think he is just blind to it and thinks I, with 4 children, can't live without him.


I don't think he's blind at all. I think he's scared. He knows you could decide you've had enough of going without and live without him just fine.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Torn by 2 said:


> Ha! Thanks! I'm doing it for me, not him. =)


That's the spirit. Keep it up!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Torn by 2 said:


> You read correct! Never seen him without his shirt off for 8 years! And yes that also means that we have never showered/bathed together, despite me bringing it up numerous times. His response? "One day". He says it feels weird having sex completely naked. ???
> 
> He does like receiving oral. At one point, he said he didn't want me to do it and that lasted a couple of months. We've explored many positions, but mainly stick to the basic. Foreplay is mostly non existent...He doesn't like kissing...I've brought up toys and got shut down and we tried porn once in the very beginning of our relationship.



The way you describe him, it sounds very similar to the way some sexless husbands have described their sexually repressed, prudish wives who were raised with shame surrounding sex. Could this be your husband? If so, the answer is education. He needs to learn about human sexuality to remove the loaded shame that represses his normal healthy response. 

Men can have body image issues too, only it's worse for men because ...men...everything is worse for them because 1. Theyre always right, 2. They don't talk about things. 3. They can't admit to having girly feelings. 4. They do not ask for or accept help. So..yea...men!

I recommend this site often for husbands who have repressed wives due to religious shaming...maybe it'll help your man? 

Christian Nymphos | Married Sex: Spicy, the way God intended it to be!


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Torn by 2 said:
> 
> 
> > You read correct! Never seen him without his shirt off for 8 years! And yes that also means that we have never showered/bathed together, despite me bringing it up numerous times. His response? "One day". He says it feels weird having sex completely naked. ???
> ...


Thanks! I'll give it a try and see if he's up to reading it!


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

Blossom Leigh said:


> The guy is overwhelmed... I do not believe the answer to this is to use him then throw him away, he is the father of your children for cryin out loud. He needs space to recover from bringing four children into the world. Some guys go through this when kids come around. Its pretty frequent. Give the man some space and he will come around. If he was a great guy before kids, this is situational and not permanent. I think in time you may need to ask him to get professional help with his overwhelm, but being demanding for attention while he is not capable isn't going to work and only leave you upset. Don't do that to yourself. Be mature, give him space, quit worrying so much, relax, keep yourself busy... leave him alone for a while and I bet he will have enough space to recover a little and be able to be there emotionally. And of he doesn't come around then you will know he needs professional help and can address that at that time, not before.


I understand he can be overwhelmed now, but what about all the weird stuff that has nothing to do with that? Promises that were made years ago, but never happened. I would LOVE to address the issue and work it out, but as far as he is concerned, there is no issue. I can only do my own thing for so long. Getting no attention and not feeling desired by your own husband is hard to deal with, especially if it's long term.


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## hospitality (Feb 24, 2014)

OP you are the first woman on the planet who actually still WANTS to have sex with a man who plays video games? LOL So good for you.

However, if he games I bet he watches tons of porn and takes care of himself way more then you know. All it takes is a couple minutes. If he has low T + porn = nearly zero sex. If he was HD then he could probably get away with watching porn here and there.

You sound like a pretty hot, fun and easy going wife who is still into her husband. Just about every woman I know whose husband games is ready to leave or already has left. Kill the gaming ASAP (plus you don't want your kids sitting around playing video games either) and monitor the porn. Your husband needs to spend some time in reality with real people!


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Torn by 2 said:


> You read correct! *Never seen him without his shirt off for 8 years!* And yes that also means that we have never showered/bathed together, despite me bringing it up numerous times. His response? "One day". He says it feels weird having sex completely naked. ???
> 
> He does like receiving oral. At one point, he said he didn't want me to do it and that lasted a couple of months. We've explored many positions, but mainly stick to the basic. Foreplay is mostly non existent...He doesn't like kissing...I've brought up toys and got shut down and we tried porn once in the very beginning of our relationship.


Somehow my mind flashed to the TV show Friends and Chandler having a 3rd nipple. Maybe it's something like that...


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## Roxxolid (Jul 29, 2015)

I've read this whole thread and I am just shaking my head. It is not normal for a couple to get together, have kids, live together, sleep together, fits together, and NEVER BE COMPLETELY NAKED AND BATHE TOHETHER, COMPLETELY INTIMATE AND AT EASE WITH EACH OTHER. 

Doesn't his deep seated insecurity and lack of passion for anything you share just gross you out? Seriously, it does for me, It makes me think of those shows where the wife is interviewed after twenty years of marriage and she finds a closet full of creepy mementos from all of his serial killings. 

I'm sorry but this whole process of your gaming a reaction from your obviously emotionally crippled and damaged husband just puts you square on the low level he's been dragging you down to. 

Don't waste time on that fool, he can't be fixed IMHO.


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> Torn by 2 said:
> 
> 
> > You read correct! *Never seen him without his shirt off for 8 years!* And yes that also means that we have never showered/bathed together, despite me bringing it up numerous times. His response? "One day". He says it feels weird having sex completely naked. ???
> ...


Ha! Maybe that's it!


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

Roxxolid said:


> I've read this whole thread and I am just shaking my head. It is not normal for a couple to get together, have kids, live together, sleep together, fits together, and NEVER BE COMPLETELY NAKED AND BATHE TOHETHER, COMPLETELY INTIMATE AND AT EASE WITH EACH OTHER.
> 
> Doesn't his deep seated insecurity and lack of passion for anything you share just gross you out? Seriously, it does for me, It makes me think of those shows where the wife is interviewed after twenty years of marriage and she finds a closet full of creepy mementos from all of his serial killings.
> 
> ...


I completely agree with you. It's not normal! I have no problem with being completely naked and he's seen me hundreds of times. I don't understand that after 8 years, he still isn't comfortable with me. 

I'm not gaming. He is. That's often where he is at when I am laying in bed alone. Either on PS4 or some game he downloaded on his phone.


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## Torn by 2 (Jul 13, 2015)

hospitality said:


> OP you are the first woman on the planet who actually still WANTS to have sex with a man who plays video games? LOL So good for you.
> 
> However, if he games I bet he watches tons of porn and takes care of himself way more then you know. All it takes is a couple minutes. If he has low T + porn = nearly zero sex. If he was HD then he could probably get away with watching porn here and there.
> 
> You sound like a pretty hot, fun and easy going wife who is still into her husband. Just about every woman I know whose husband games is ready to leave or already has left. Kill the gaming ASAP (plus you don't want your kids sitting around playing video games either) and monitor the porn. Your husband needs to spend some time in reality with real people!


Lol. Well, I don't mind his video games...to a certain extent. Yea, guys need a hobby or something to get away. I get that. But doing that and completely neglecting me is not okay. I've told him to lay off of the games a little and he said he will have to find another hobby, like going to the gym. -_- He's clearly missing the point.

I really don't know if it's porn. At one point, I was joking about watching porn and he got serious and was like," I don't watch that anymore. The Bible says not to luster after other women. It's a sin." So idk. He could've started back, just as fast as he stopped.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Torn by 2 said:


> I really don't know if it's porn. At one point, I was joking about watching porn and he got serious and was like," I don't watch that anymore. The Bible says not to luster after other women. It's a sin." So idk. He could've started back, just as fast as he stopped.



Madonna/Wh*re complex maybe? This is one I never understood, but apparently is a LD male issue.


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