# Wife Had EA, Now what?



## MFARBER

About 3 months ago I noticed some changes in my wife. She started to work out A LOT, dress nicer to work, get a personal trainer and in a little way act ****y. Great wife btw and our life at home has been open and honest. I just noticed some subtle changes like working out 6-7 times a week, bs diets and fads, trying to be pretty and young like some of the other wives in our suburban area. 

We are both early 40s, married for more than 15 years. Things have been going great until 6 weeks ago. I noticed she was keeping her phone on her 24/7, texting, on facebook, etc. One night on a home computer we both share, up pops a message from her open facebook account, she provoked and started a flirty conversation with her personal trainer who is like 27 years old. I kept my cool, took screen captures and gathered evidence. Over the course of the weekend, texts fly back and forth but not really suggestive, just flirty. I leave for a business trip and notice again texts from a remote computer which she sends then deletes the message. Bottom line, I confront her, we have a week of depression and I return from my business trip and she is sorry, devastated, etc. Claims it was innocent and that was all. I somewhat believed her but not 100%. 

I took my own measures and started to monitor her text messages from her phone. BTW, in between all this going on I still let her see her personal trainer! She continues to work out and go to classes. Even suggests that I go to the class which is similar to cross fit. 

Ok, I'm out of town Sat night, she calls me from a party down the block, happy, tipsy, with one our kids. Goes home, says good night, luv you, etc texts. Well, I login to check her messages because she did say she was going to bed, right. Guess, what? Right after she says good night to me she starts a texting string with him for 27 minutes back and forth. I confront her and send a text to her copying the personal trainer asking that she share the texts with me. she blames the wine and says she has been drinking too much. This is the 2nd time I have busted her. I am so angry and feel like we aren't through with this yet. I get a lot "I'm sorry" or "I don't know". Real lack of answers. Almost like she couldn't control herself. She wants me to forgive her but I don't trust her at all. She's having her cake and eating it too. lastly, the other night, I laid it out for her. Next time it will be nuclear and we are over and I will tell my family about her, our mutual friends, as well as her family. End of marriage. Please, any advice here. She also mentioned that part of her was very sorry she did this but was lured into it because she grew up mostly being a "good' girl and this was something bad. Also, mentions a mid-life crisis. In my mind, I go from being ok for one hour to another feeling really angry and I can't control it. Sleeping in the guest room because of the unknown and how this is going to play out.


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## Hope1964

MFARBER said:


> the other night, I laid it out for her. Next time it will be nuclear and we are over and I will tell my family about her, our mutual friends, as well as her family. End of marriage.


You already know what to do here. Problem will be WILL you actually DO it?


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## MFARBER

That's where I am confused. There wasn't physical contact to the best of my knowledge. Naïve? Am I overreacting?


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## Machiavelli

Since your wife started working out prior to starting this affair (which may well be a PA), it's pretty clear she was looking to get some side action. Who are her toxic friends that she hangs with? These will be single younger or divorced or even adulterous women who encouraged her. They're out there.

Do you have kids?


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## tom67

The trainer has to go for starters.
If you have a joint bank acct. take half out and set one up in your name only.
She is like a crack addict right now with the brain chemical going wild.
Prepare yourself.


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## Machiavelli

MFARBER said:


> That's where I am confused. There wasn't physical contact to the best of my knowledge. Naïve? Am I overreacting?


No. Since you travel, there was ample opportunity for action.


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## Hope1964

MFARBER said:


> That's where I am confused. There wasn't physical contact to the best of my knowledge. Naïve? Am I overreacting?


My husband had no physical contact either when he cheated, but I threw him out of the house the day I found out.

You don't even know what she's been texting exactly - why do you think she deletes them? They're inappropriate which = sexy. Why do people send sexy texts? Because they're skirting the drain - physical contact is only a matter of time.

Like my husband admitted, the intent to meet up is just as bad as actually doing it. And you can call it an EA if you want to, but it's just a PA waiting to happen.


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## Machiavelli

Ok, I see you do have kids, so you may want to consider reconciliation. Is adultery a deal breaker?


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## Hope1964

And her reaction is the key anyway. She isn't the least bit sorry.


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## tom67

Machiavelli said:


> No. Since you travel, there was ample opportunity for action.


Sigh...
How often do you travel?
Put a voice activated recorder VAR in her car and one in the house asap!
Others will tell you apps you can put on her phone.


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## MFARBER

I scoured her car mileage, looked at receipts, poured through phone records. This was the first time she contacted him via phone text since 6 weeks ago. I'm not stupid. If she found another way to interact she beat me to it but I am the more tech savvy one in the relationship.


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## GusPolinski

Well, you've made the threat, so now you have to back it up.

Letting her continue to see the guy after you initially confronted her? Bad, bad move. And how sure are you that this "EA" didn't go full-on PA? They would have more than enough opportunity for that, especially after you let her go back to continue "training" w/ the guy. Seriously, you might as well just have driven her to his house.

Either way, what's done is done. Going forward, assuming that she doesn't want a divorce, 100% transparency is called for. She needs to share passwords for any and all social media accounts (Facebook, Instagram, Google+, etc), e-mail addresses, and electronic devices.

Mr. D**chebag Personal Trainer also gets unfriended and blocked on all social media. Block his phone number and e-mail addresses (if you have them) as well.

Also, why are you sleeping in the guest room? To Hell w/ that, throw her @$$ in there.


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## MFARBER

she was very sorry. good idea about the VAR. Where do they sell them? How else can I bust her? I don't want a divorce because of the kid situation.


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## ReidWright

I'm assuming this personal trainer is single, otherwise you could inform his wife/girlfriend. You tell tell the gym owner, but I think it's assumed the personal trainers...get..ah...real personal with their clients.


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## Hope1964

MFARBER said:


> she was very sorry. good idea about the VAR. Where do they sell them? How else can I bust her? I don't want a divorce because of the kid situation.


Then you never should have threatened it.

And make no mistake, she was sorry she got caught. If she was truly sorry she'd be begging and pleading.

Here's a link you really should read

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## GusPolinski

MFARBER said:


> she was very sorry. good idea about the VAR. Where do they sell them? How else can I bust her? I don't want a divorce because of the kid situation.


Best Buy. Sony ICDPX333. They cost around 50-60 bucks. Pair them w/ AAA lithium batteries (pricy, but worth it) to get the most out of them in terms of recording time.

Use heavy-duty Velcro to secure one to the underside of the driver's seat in her vehicle and the other to wherever it is in the house that she typically talks on the phone.

And, above all... do. not. let. her. know. about. the. VARs. I'm sure that I didn't need to say that, but I felt compelled to do so.


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## happyman64

MFarber

Move back in the bedroom.

Pack her stuff and put it in the guest room.

Then put her in the guest room.

Tell her she is not welcome into your bedroom until she starts acting like an adult.

Then watch her actions.

And definitely put the var in her car.

HM


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## MFARBER

I have access to all of her social media accounts. Including email. Trainer is gone-no more.


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## GusPolinski

What has she *offered* to you to ease your suspicions regarding any ongoing communication between herself and the trainer (or any other guy)?

_Notice that I didn't ask about *what she'd agreed to* but rather *what she offered freely of her own accord*_.


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## Blossom Leigh

MFARBER said:


> I have access to all of her social media accounts. Including email. Trainer is gone-no more.


I think you are doing great...


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## italianjob

I don't understand, you said she still works out with him 6 or 7 Times a week, they don't need fb or texts to keep in touch. She deleted him when you busted her but it doesn't mean a thing. 
I'm sorry to tell you this but this is a full fledged PA (or at least was), 99%.


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## warlock07

So many aspects to cover here. 

The time to go nuclear has already come. The first time was a mistake. The second was intentional. Wine my ass. What was she texting him ?

Also are you saying that you won't regret not exposing her this time to her family much earlier if you catch her again -the 3rd time ? 

By now she knows how your source of snooping and information. She won't do the same mistake again. 

Her reasons for her behavior are serious red flags and she will continue the behavior undercover if she wants to. There are too many ways she can can do this without getting caught. Even now, what she was caught for might not even be the whole story. She could have just taken the primary caution of not making any explicit talk on accounts that you know of. 

have you tried recovering her text messages ?


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## Gabriel

My wife used to be a trainer at a chain gym and it was common that the guy trainers would date their clients.

This one is easy. Tell her she can no longer have a personal trainer. She has no argument against this whatsoever. She demonstrated she couldn't be trusted with one.

Then, tell her she needs to be completely transparent with her devices. No passcodes, shared passwords, etc. 

My impression is you likely nipped this in the bud, but now you have to be strong with your boundaries.


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## GusPolinski

warlock07 said:


> So many aspects to cover here.
> 
> The time to go nuclear has already come. The first time was a mistake. The second was intentional. Wine my ass. What was she texting him ?
> 
> Also are you saying that you won't regret not exposing her this time to her family much earlier if you catch her again -the 3rd time ?
> 
> By now she knows how your source of snooping and information. She won't do the same mistake again.
> 
> Her reasons for her behavior are serious red flags and she will continue the behavior undercover if she wants to. There are too many ways she can can do this without getting caught. Even now, what she was caught for might not even be the whole story. She could have just taken the primary caution of not making any explicit talk on accounts that you know of.
> 
> *have you tried recovering her text messages ?*


Excellent point, can't believe that I failed to ask that. MFARBER, what kind of phone does your wife use?


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## ReidWright

MFARBER said:


> I have access to all of her social media accounts. Including email. Trainer is gone-no more.


keylogger in place? new email accounts are free


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## warlock07

Varing is kinda moot point by now. She already crossed the line twice. OP, have a serious discussion about the state of the marriage and whether if she wants to continue with you. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Monitoring her and being her 24 watch guard is not a lon term solution.

Expose her to family and mutual friends and work from there. maybe the shame might help heer look into herlsef.

is this the first time she is doing stuff like this ?


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## GusPolinski

ReidWright said:


> keylogger in place? new email accounts are free


Another good point.


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## MFARBER

she still works out a lot but without the trainer


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## TRy

MFARBER said:


> That's where I am confused. There wasn't physical contact to the best of my knowledge. Naïve? Am I overreacting?


 How can you say that? There was tons of physical contact with the trainer. The only question is just how sexual it was. Under the guise of training, did he touch her in sexual ways, and did she let him do this with a smile? Did they take it farther when alone? These are the real questions.


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## Divinely Favored

She should not be allowed to go work out w/o you there. Why would you let her continue after being caught! Polygraph!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HubbyDaddy2013

She is in her 40s, and he is 27...Hmmm. 

You should expose this to everyone close to you. She needs to unfriend him on face book. She should also be required to find a new gym to work out at.

You need access to her phone whenever you want it as well. Your trust level with her has been smashed into nothing. 


My wife had an EA in April with a married man who has 6 kids (With 3 different women)....I have complete access to her phone, and check it every day. I exposed it to everyone, and it was rough. She was remorseful, and changed real quick. She deleted her facebook account for about a month, and is now back on there. She changed for the better for about 4 weeks, but I have noticed over the past 2 weeks that she is going back to her old ways in how she is acting. 

More than likely after you expose her, she will be really remorseful and want to have a lot o sex with you. That happened to me at least. The sex lasted for about 2 weeks, almost every day then subsided. 

You need to outline that this is the last, and only strike. If you catch her doing this nonsense again, time to show her divorce papers. 

And remember. She needs to treat you with respect, and do things to show you that she loves you and wants to stay commited. She cheated on you with these flirty, and sex texts. Don't feel that you have to do things for her, and nice your way out of this. That will actually be negative. 

Her actions will show you here the marriage is going over the next 90 days.


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## vellocet

MFARBER said:


> she blames the wine and says she has been drinking too much.


Then she should forever quit partying and drinking. She just told you that she can't handle drinking and not straying.

What do you think she'd say if you told her, "well then, if you can't be trusted while drinking, then perhaps your drinking days are over" ?

Honestly, tell her that and see what her answer is. If giving up partying and drinking are more important to her than respecting you and the marriage, then she doesn't deserve to be married.



> There wasn't physical contact to the best of my knowledge. Naïve? Am I overreacting?


Absolutely not. Someone that would engage in an EA and had to get caught to stop would take it to the next level if the perfect opportunity would arise.

Besides, an EA is bad enough. Her partying should end, or the marriage should end.


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## GusPolinski

MFARBER said:


> she still works out a lot but without the trainer


Different gym, right? Even still, a lot of trainers work out of multiple gyms.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## italianjob

MFARBER said:


> she still works out a lot but without the trainer


Recap:
- 3 months ago she started working out 6-7 times a week (that would be every night in the week, this is not something "normal", professional athletes work out with that frequency not housewives)
- 1 and a half month ago you catch her texting inappropriately with her personal trainer but let her continue working out with him (you said so in your first post)
- a couple days ago you catch her again and you are alright because she dropped him on fb and works out by herself...

yes, I think you're being very naive...

Does she still work out at the same gym where he works?
Are you there with her?
If answer to the first question is yes and to the second is no, why would lack of contact via text/social media mean NC in this case?

With the timeline above, do you really think this never went physical?


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## mahike

MFARBER said:


> she still works out a lot but without the trainer


Make sure she goes to an all girls gym like Curves. If she complains that you do not trust her the answer is you are right I do not trust you right now. You have to earn it.

You need to establish boundaries like no parties or drinking while you are gone.

You seem pretty sure that it was only an EA. Why are you so sure?

MC is a must and do it know.


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## tom67

mahike said:


> Make sure she goes to an all girls gym like Curves. If she complains that you do not trust her the answer is you are right I do not trust you right now. You have to earn it.
> 
> You need to establish boundaries like no parties or drinking while you are gone.
> 
> You seem pretty sure that it was only an EA. Why are you so sure?
> 
> MC is a must and do it know.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## tom67

Do you know someone that you trust that also works out there so he/she can watch her at the gym?
If not maybe a PI for one day just saying before you r with her.


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## happi_g_more2

mahike said:


> Make sure she goes to an all girls gym like Curves. If she complains that you do not trust her the answer is you are right I do not trust you right now. You have to earn it.
> 
> You need to establish boundaries like no parties or drinking while you are gone.
> 
> You seem pretty sure that it was only an EA. Why are you so sure?
> 
> MC is a must and do it know.


This.

and....

You dont want to spend your time being super detective trying to catch your wife in an affair. You already caught her. Your biggest mistake was not putting a stake in the affairs heart right away. Exposure is usually the best. If the texts were bad enough, they should be shown the light of day. If this is a personal trianer with facebook page or reviews on Yelp, post them there. "Hey, if your wife trains with this dude, this is the kind of relationship they will have."

She has a long road of trust rebuilding to do. She needs to show you that her number 1 priority in life, now, is regaining your trust, not getting a six pack. You need full transparency. All accounts unlocked, all devices unlocked. As for a VAR, i wouldnt waste my time at this juncture. You should actually just GPS her car so you know where she is at all times.

As for the drinking, as stated above, that **** just cant happen. My W and I dont even need to ask. We dont drink unless we drink together (or completely alone...which is my case some nights 

When you say flirty texts, can you elaborate on some of the convos here. i mean, was it stuff like:
"I really like your build, your arms are fantastic, I hope you can help me look this way"
or
"I want to take you in my mouth"
Big difference. 

Anyway, whatever it is that you need to feel comfortable in your marriage with her, you need to communicate it and she needs to abide by it


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## X-B

Expose him to the gym for sure. It will be VERY easy to get a cheap burner phone, trust me I know they will do that. I used a VAR and I know it was not the best idea I made a CD of some of her conversations and put it in her cars CD player.
I am not known for doing the smartest things But I would let him know you are on to him. I made an appointment with the OM and just stared at him until he left. I know it wasn't the best decision in the world but I just had to do it. Maybe I am just too vindictive. Just use a VAR to find out for sure she has stopped and If you find anything you will then be able to make an informed decision.


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## weightlifter

Nice coverage Gus.
Finer points:
Its getting hot. Do not be sparing with the velcro.
Set to 44 k bit rate. Do not use 8k. The sound at 8k is very tinny and if the file needs processing there is not much data to work with. The file is an mp3.
Set VOR on.
Meeting mode.
Do NOT sub out for sony. Some people have with bad results.
Put the var up inside her seat, not just hanging down.

Get with recovering texts from her phone.

If she gets busy with hanz and franz in her car, do not listen to her having sex with another man. It will mess you far worse than you can imagine.

Dont make threats you wont carry out.


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## GusPolinski

weightlifter said:


> Nice coverage Gus.
> Finer points:
> Its getting hot. Do not be sparing with the velcro.
> Set to 44 k bit rate. Do not use 8k. The sound at 8k is very tinny and if the file needs processing there is not much data to work with. The file is an mp3.
> Set VOR on.
> Meeting mode.
> Do NOT sub out for sony. Some people have with bad results.
> Put the var up inside her seat, not just hanging down.
> 
> Get with recovering texts from her phone.
> 
> *If she gets busy with hanz and franz* in her car, do not listen to her having sex with another man. It will mess you far worse than you can imagine.
> 
> Dont make threats you wont carry out.


LOL. Hilarious. They just want to "pump her up"!


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## weightlifter

GusPolinski said:


> LOL. Hilarious. They just want to "pump her up"!


Yes but with cum not muscles. This is like scumbag personal trainer #356643632. Screwing attached women must be some kind of game to personal trainers.


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## Iver

If she is close to her family she needs to 'fess up to all this to them.

Think of it as Pavlovian conditioning - make sure there are negative thoughts whenever she thinks about the gym rat, not unicorns and rainbows.

Find a good polygraph person in your area (the police would know) and tell her she's going to be asked if any X, Y or Z happened.

Since she told you it didn't let her know she has nothing to worry about.


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## walkonmars

GusPolinski said:


> Different gym, right? Even still, a lot of trainers work out of multiple gyms.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


You gotta believe that trainers talk to each other about who is easy and ready. There's likely several of their gym rat buds that have that info too. 

If she doesn't volunteer to work out at home there's a reason. And yeah, it's the 'equipment' IYKWIM.


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## kenmoore14217

Wait a minute, this from a "tech savvy" guy: good idea about the VAR. Where do they sell them?


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## Rugs

After physical therapy (I was in a bad accident), I used a personal trainer to build up some atrophied muscles. 

He was young and good looking but very professional. Now, I wasn't a hottie and I didn't hit on my trainer but I saw a lot of ladies at my gym just dying for any attention from my trainer. They would come up to him all the time. 

You can send your wife to an all ladies gym and build all kinds of roadblocks but if she has it in her to cheat on you, she will find a way. 

Her issues whether personal or with her marriage, should be addressed. I see that being the only way in any marriage to avoid infidelity. If she is not "faithful wife" material, you have to consider your deal breakers and act accordingly. 

I don't like to see families with children split up either but I REALLY can't stand when spouses put their family in jeopardy by playing with fire.


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## Cubby

My wife had a little texting and phone call relationship with a 27 year old personal trainer also for a couple of months. My wife was late 40s. He was trying to get her to sign up as a client but at the same time trying to be her sex buddy. He told her that "all the personal trainers are banging their clients." I didn't allow her to go to the gym alone after I finally woke up. From then on and currently, we only work out together. A woman spending a lot of time at the gym is going to become a target for some predator-types who know which buttons to push. Don't be that befuddled spouse sitting at home blindly trusting your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Depending on the phone she uses, there is a good chance deleted texts can be recovered.


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## tom67

Cubby said:


> My wife had a little texting and phone call relationship with a 27 year old personal trainer also for a couple of months. My wife was late 40s. He was trying to get her to sign up as a client but at the same time trying to be her sex buddy. He told her that "all the personal trainers are banging their clients." I didn't allow her to go to the gym alone after I finally woke up. From then on and currently, we only work out together. A woman spending a lot of time at the gym is going to become a target for some predator-types who know which buttons to push. Don't be that befuddled spouse sitting at home blindly trusting your wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:nono:


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## Just Joe

Sounds like you caught it in time, nipped it in the bud, but don't be too confident. There's a lot of room for error with that assessment given how much you don't know.

To me she sounds like my 15-year-old when asked why he did something he wasn't supposed to do, even when he's been caught and disciplined before: "I don't know why I did it", "I studied all week and was just blowing off steam," "other guys were doing it, wanted to too". Your wife - "I don't know" "I missed out on doing bad things," "mid-life crisis." SHE'S JUST GIVING YOU LIP SERVICE.

Think about it, man. THINK. If she had a good excuse, a REAL excuse, an excuse that MADE SENSE, she would have given it to you. The excuse you got, "I don't know why," or "I was drinking" is the same as her saying, "I don't have any decent excuse, really I was planning to hook up with this guy, pull me a hot 27, but that would cause too much trouble with you, so I'll just throw out a couple half-assed excuses and deny, deny, deny. 

Hell, any good liar knows the first rule of getting caught is DENY, DENY, DENY, didn't you learn that in school?

One thing I tell you from having looked around here a bit: Don't believe a word that comes out of a cheater's mouth, just look at the actions. What was her reaction? Were YOU the one who had to NEGOTIATE with her to stop going to that trainer, and as part of the negotiation she still can go to the same gym? Was she telling you that he was just her good friend and it didn't mean anything? Your wife may not be a cheater yet, but the intent was there I believe, so yes, I would treat her as a cheater.

I may have a different take on "monitoring" than some of the others here. My strong opinion is that you should only monitor if she doesn't know about it. My opinion, if she knows you're monitoring her, she is going to think of you as insecure and weak. Monitor her all you want with spyware and voice-activated recorders, if you already have her passwords, just monitor if she changes them, but never let her know. 

Again, my opinion, and my reasoning, most cheaters with half a brain can take it underground with a minimal amount of effort given all of the options available, games with chat features, burner phones, deleting and re-installing a chat app, heck, they even make apps just for cheaters that don't even show up as an app when you look at the phone. So given how easy it is her to go underground on you, when you monitor and she knows about it, and then you don't find her continued communication, she not only looks at you as insecure, but also as ineffective or incompetent. Like a complete fool.

When in doubt, a strong reaction is better.

Also, whatever you found, you missed a lot. Meaning, however much you think she was in contact with him, whatever she has admitted to you, I think you can multiply it by 2 or 3.

You have done a decent job up to this point. These affairs are like infections, though, if you don't kill them real good they WILL come back.

There's a lot of other threads and situations that started just like yours if you look around here, a lot of similarities.


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## AlphaHalf

> Next time it will be nuclear and we are over and I will tell my family about her, our mutual friends, as well as her family.


Why are you waiting for a "next time"? She knew what the heck she was doing the first time. Cut the BullStuff and expose it to her family and friends NOW. Make a visit to her Personal Instructor and make it loud and clear to him (right there in the gym for all to see) to leave your WIFE AND FAMILY ALONE. It should put his a$$ straight and hesitate to flirt around with married women while on the job. Squash this nonsense immediately.


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## thatbpguy

MFARBER said:


> I scoured her car mileage, looked at receipts, poured through phone records. This was the first time she contacted him via phone text since 6 weeks ago. I'm not stupid. If she found another way to interact she beat me to it but I am the more tech savvy one in the relationship.


How about a few VAR's?


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## Just Joe

Cubby said:


> My wife had a little texting and phone call relationship with a 27 year old personal trainer also for a couple of months. My wife was late 40s. He was trying to get her to sign up as a client but at the same time trying to be her sex buddy. He told her that "all the personal trainers are banging their clients." I didn't allow her to go to the gym alone after I finally woke up. From then on and currently, we only work out together. A woman spending a lot of time at the gym is going to become a target for some predator-types who know which buttons to push. Don't be that befuddled spouse sitting at home blindly trusting your wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with Rugs, but I also agree with this. Given her proclivity for "needing to make up for not being a bad girl when she was younger" and her "mid-life crisis" excuses, I would say she shouldn't be in the gym.

I may be different than others, though, I would never tell my wife what she could or couldn't do. I would tell her very calmly, "you can go to the gym all you want, you can even keep your personal trainer, but if you do, I'm out of this marriage." I also would tell her, "I have one foot out the door right now, you better start figuring out how to keep me here, and let me give you a little clue dipspit, going to the gym all the time ISN'T it." I have a long history of keeping my word, my kids and my wife all are very well aware, so maybe this won't work if you have backed down or backed out of promised consequences in the past. I am a BIG believer in say something once and then don't say it again, next time just TAKE ACTION

Frankly, reading some of these threads and watching betrayed spouses put up with one set of lies and broken promises after another from their cheaters turns my stomach. My parents taught me when I was young, DON'T LET ANYONE TREAT YOU THAT WAY!


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## jim123

We have so many threads where the BH thought he caught in time.

Read Devastated Dad and Mr Mathias threads.

You need to step up now assuming it is not already too late.

Please disclose now! To everyone. 

Ask her to leave. Go see an attorney. Send the gym a letter.

Do not play around.


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## MFARBER

thanks everyone, let me clarify a few points, it gets more complicated: 

*wife on Lexapro
*date raped in college before we met
*WAS on Zoloft

The texting was not provocative-more like "you make me smile"

She is not a partier or drinker. Wine at dinner than usually in bed on week nights around 10 and 11 on the weekends. No clubbing or other activities. That is why it makes it so difficult as to how to react. I was thinking of drafting a letter of agreement stating what she did and how I think she should act. If in fact the hiding and distrust continues, divorce is imminent. 

She has an older sister that is more attractive and skinny than her in her perception. 

This is driving me crazy. Thought about putting a key logger on her iPhone but my research told me that the best way is to jail break an iPhone and even then it's not effective.


----------



## Turin74

And I can tell you ONE thing here. It's better to act sooner than later (yesterday is not early enough) and better to overreact than underreact. 

I did that thanks to TAM and I'm good. 



jim123 said:


> We have so many threads where the BH thought he caught in time.
> 
> Read Devastated Dad and Mr Mathias threads.
> 
> You need to step up now assuming it is not already too late.
> 
> Please disclose now! To everyone.
> 
> Ask her to leave. Go see an attorney. Send the gym a letter.
> 
> Do not play around.


 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## jim123

You have an agreement, wedding vows.

Take action and get control.


----------



## thatbpguy

MFARBER said:


> thanks everyone, let me clarify a few points, it gets more complicated:
> 
> *wife on Lexapro
> *date raped in college before we met
> *WAS on Zoloft
> 
> The texting was not provocative-more like "you make me smile"
> 
> She is not a partier or drinker. Wine at dinner than usually in bed on week nights around 10 and 11 on the weekends. No clubbing or other activities. That is why it makes it so difficult as to how to react. I was thinking of drafting a letter of agreement stating what she did and how I think she should act. If in fact the hiding and distrust continues, divorce is imminent.
> 
> She has an older sister that is more attractive and skinny than her in her perception.
> 
> This is driving me crazy. Thought about putting a key logger on her iPhone but my research told me that the best way is to jail break an iPhone and even then it's not effective.


Speaking from personal experience, women who suffer depression have self esteem issues and are very vulnerable to guys blowing up their skirt a bit.

Were it me, I'd casually monitor.


----------



## alte Dame

Get the VARs and put them where she is likely to talk in private. If she's not talking to him, you might learn something important from her conversations with her gfs.

You sound like you are being tough. This is how you have to be. She either knocks it off or she's out. No more cake-eating. You said one more time and you are done. I hope you meant it.


----------



## Chaparral

You can get her texts from the back ups to itunes. There are guys here that know how to do it and the program needed.


----------



## GusPolinski

Chaparral said:


> You can get her texts from the back ups to itunes. There are guys here that know how to do it and the program needed.


Consider this as well...

Wondershare Dr. Fone


----------



## MFARBER

How? All I could find with iPhone is jail breaking the device.


----------



## GusPolinski

MFARBER said:


> How? All I could find with iPhone is jail breaking the device.


If you're looking to use a keylogger, that's correct -- you'll have to jailbreak the iPhone. If you want to go this route, you'll want to download/run the jailbreak utility specific to the version of iOS that's currently running on her phone. Then you could install something like mSpy. Note that doing this will require that you spend something like an hour or more alone a/ her phone, so you'll likely want to do it while she's asleep.

*** Note *** mSpy may or may not work w/ the version of iOS that's running on your wife's iPhone, whether jailbroken or not. Additionally, you may not be able to find a jailbreak utility for the version of iOS that's running on it. In any case, do as much research as you can and be as prepared as possible before pulling the trigger on any of this. This includes making certain that you've pre-downloaded the correct jailbreak utility and purchased/downloaded mSpy as well before you get started.

Dr. Fone, however, allows you to restore data from either local iTunes backups or iCloud backups. I'd go w/ the latter, but you'll want to make sure that your wife's iPhone has iCloud backups enabled. No need to check the actual device, though... you can download the trial version of Dr. Fone and then use the credentials for her Apple iTunes account w/ the app to log into iCloud and check for the existence of any backups for her iPhone. Note that there are Mac and Windows versions of the app.

And no, using Dr. Fone to check for iCloud backups won't initiate any sort of prompt or alert on her phone.

You can also enable location tracking on her iPhone in order to track her movements via the "Find My iPhone" or "Find My Friends" apps on your own iPhone (assuming that you have one) or by utilizing the "Find My iPhone" functionality at Apple's iCloud site, www.icloud.com. Honestly, though, mSpy may provide better functionality in this regard.

Ugh. Having typed all of that out, I feel sort of creepy.


----------



## terrence4159

and for the love of god EXPOSE and do it now. i know a guy whos wife went to vegas without him and cheated on him, yeah he didnt expose....yeah like 3 weeks later she told her family how he beats her (so not true) well guess what he is the bad guy and even if he did expose now they wouldnt believe him....if he caught her doing 14 midgets and 3 clowns guess what no one would blame her because he beats her.

so if you think you got it covered LOL you dont and if she starts spreading lies about you guess what buddie everyone will believe her and you will look bad and when you do expose everyone will be all look at the pathetic man making stuff up.


----------



## Gabriel

MFARBER said:


> thanks everyone, let me clarify a few points, it gets more complicated:
> 
> *wife on Lexapro
> *date raped in college before we met
> *WAS on Zoloft
> 
> The texting was not provocative-more like "you make me smile"
> 
> She is not a partier or drinker. Wine at dinner than usually in bed on week nights around 10 and 11 on the weekends. No clubbing or other activities. That is why it makes it so difficult as to how to react. I was thinking of drafting a letter of agreement stating what she did and how I think she should act. If in fact the hiding and distrust continues, divorce is imminent.
> 
> She has an older sister that is more attractive and skinny than her in her perception.
> 
> This is driving me crazy. Thought about putting a key logger on her iPhone but my research told me that the best way is to jail break an iPhone and even then it's not effective.


Enough. Written agreement on how to act? Are you kidding me? What's next, a marriage manual that she reads at night? That is so weak, dude, and deep down you know it.

She quits that gym, gives full transparency on all devices. No future male personal trainers, ever. You watch her for awhile for any further issues.

That's it. She fights you on any of it, start throwing the D word around. If she calls that bluff, get a lawyer. I doubt it gets that far.


----------



## Cubby

Gabriel said:


> Enough. Written agreement on how to act? Are you kidding me? What's next, a marriage manual that she reads at night? That is so weak, dude, and deep down you know it.
> 
> She quits that gym, gives full transparency on all devices. No future male personal trainers, ever. You watch her for awhile for any further issues.
> 
> That's it. She fights you on any of it, start throwing the D word around. If she calls that bluff, get a lawyer. I doubt it gets that far.


:iagree: It's really that simple. When I found out what was going on at the gym I firmly laid down the law with my wife. It was interesting that she seemed to be attracted to my zero tolerance policy rather than my limp, wishy-washy, no insistence-on-boundaries attitude. Like she truly wanted me to stand up, take charge and not put up with her crap.


----------



## workindad

You have received some good advice. 

One thing to consider. Do not set boundaries that you are unable to or unwilling to enforce. 

Good luck
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 6301

Boils down to this. You let her know that your job is to provide for and take care of the family that doesn't include to be a watch dog over his wife who suddenly doesn't know how to behave and it wont be tolerated.

The trainer is now gone. Whats left is a wife who has gone off the track through her own ignorance so you tell her to take a good look around at her family and her home and tell her that her actions are going to tear it all apart and that she either gets back in step and starts acting like a married woman and mother is supposed to act or she can peddle her wares to the trainer or any other guy with just the clothes on her back and say it in a way that she knows your dead serious about it.

Sometimes it takes a boot to the keester to wake people up.


----------



## Gabriel

Note that even if she quits with the trainer, if she continues to work out at that gym 6-7 times a week, she will run into this guy fairly often. Don't let that happen. 

She quits this gym. There are many other options, I'm sure.


----------



## turnera

The FIRST thing you need to do is march up to that gym and talk to the owner or manager and get that POS fired. And then you find that guy and tell him leave your wife alone or else. Then leave. Most guys like that will run for the hills if the husband shows up.


----------



## tom67

turnera said:


> The FIRST thing you need to do is march up to that gym and talk to the owner or manager and get that POS fired. And then you find that guy and tell him leave your wife alone or else. Then leave. Most guys like that will run for the hills if the husband shows up.


This!^^^^
Go and do this TODAY!!!


----------



## ReidWright

turnera said:


> The FIRST thing you need to do is march up to that gym and talk to the owner or manager and get that POS fired. And then you find that guy and tell him leave your wife alone or else. Then leave. Most guys like that will run for the hills if the husband shows up.


mmmm...steroid-fueled muscleheads aren't really likely to run away if the pudgy old husband shows up. And I'd bet most gym owners are aware or or even encourage the trainers to get a little flirty with the middle aged ladies to keep them paying memberships and buying expensive supplements, etc.


----------



## GusPolinski

ReidWright said:


> mmmm...steroid-fueled muscleheads aren't really likely to run away if the pudgy old husband shows up. And I'd bet most gym owners are aware or or even encourage the trainers to get a little flirty with the middle aged ladies to keep them paying memberships and buying expensive supplements, etc.


A 44" Louisville Slugger can be an awesome equalizer. That or the front bumper of a Chevy Silverado. Or both.


----------



## turnera

Or a bunch of friends.


----------



## GusPolinski

turnera said:


> Or a bunch of friends.


Well that's what I'm saying... Start w/ "Louie" and "Chevy".


----------



## tom67

GusPolinski said:


> Well that's what I'm saying... Start w/ "Louie" and "Chevy".



Think of it as an anti dizzying stick.


----------



## Idyit

MFARBER said:


> How? All I could find with iPhone is jail breaking the device.


Teensafe: Iphone Tracker & Cell Phone Monitoring


----------



## GusPolinski

Idyit said:


> Teensafe: Iphone Tracker & Cell Phone Monitoring


There is a version of WebWatcher that provides pretty much the same functionality as TeenSafe (for iOS), but WW doesn't require a monthly subscription fee. And either way, they both pull from iCloud backups (same as Dr. Fone), so there's no real-time information gathering.


----------



## Iver

GusPolinski said:


> A 44" Louisville Slugger can be an awesome equalizer. That or the front bumper of a Chevy Silverado. Or both.


Umm, while I like a good throwdown as much as the next guy I'm not convinced this is such a good idea.

The probablilty of this ending badly for the OP, either with an ass whupping or jail, just a guess here...going to be 86.99%...

Instead, how about she quits the gym and joins a new one - and at her new one has a woman trainer? 

Much better odds for our OP. (and do the icloud text retrieval just to make sure there's not more going on here)


----------



## Cabsy

You caught her in contact with him more than once and they trained in close proximity, getting sweaty, etc? She's minimizing whatever happened, or at the very least, whatever she wanted to happen. You're right, she is trying to have her cake and eat it too.

Good luck, man. Strap yourself in an keep your wits about you, because it can be a bumpy ride.


----------



## Entropy3000

MFARBER said:


> About 3 months ago I noticed some changes in my wife. She started to work out A LOT, dress nicer to work, get a personal trainer and in a little way act ****y. Great wife btw and our life at home has been open and honest. I just noticed some subtle changes like working out 6-7 times a week, bs diets and fads, trying to be pretty and young like some of the other wives in our suburban area.
> 
> We are both early 40s, married for more than 15 years. Things have been going great until 6 weeks ago. I noticed she was keeping her phone on her 24/7, texting, on facebook, etc. One night on a home computer we both share, up pops a message from her open facebook account, she provoked and started a flirty conversation with her personal trainer who is like 27 years old. I kept my cool, took screen captures and gathered evidence. Over the course of the weekend, texts fly back and forth but not really suggestive, just flirty. I leave for a business trip and notice again texts from a remote computer which she sends then deletes the message. Bottom line, I confront her, we have a week of depression and I return from my business trip and she is sorry, devastated, etc. Claims it was innocent and that was all. I somewhat believed her but not 100%.
> 
> I took my own measures and started to monitor her text messages from her phone. BTW, in between all this going on I still let her see her personal trainer!
> 
> *Some would say agreeing to her having a male PT was a mistake but lets cut you some slack here for the moment. However after the rest this was incredibly bad. She needed to go NC with him. Change GYMs. Block him on FB and in general never have contact with him again. Then go through withdrawal. So this was a huge miscalculation.*
> 
> She continues to work out and go to classes. Even suggests that I go to the class which is similar to cross fit.
> 
> Ok, I'm out of town Sat night, she calls me from a party down the block, happy, tipsy, with one our kids. Goes home, says good night, luv you, etc texts. Well, I login to check her messages because she did say she was going to bed, right. Guess, what? Right after she says good night to me she starts a texting string with him for 27 minutes back and forth. I confront her and send a text to her copying the personal trainer asking that she share the texts with me. she blames the wine and says she has been drinking too much. This is the 2nd time I have busted her.
> 
> *First time shame on her. 2nd time shame on you.* * You should have fired the guy and insisted on NC.*
> 
> I am so angry and feel like we aren't through with this yet. I get a lot "I'm sorry" or "I don't know". Real lack of answers. Almost like she couldn't control herself.
> 
> *Correct. I undertsand that. I was there with this type of thing. The spouse can help big time by being firm. This is chemical that goes along with the emotions. One must go thru withdrawal. That can take months of NC. Any contact restarts the clock.*
> 
> She wants me to forgive her but I don't trust her at all. She's having her cake and eating it too. lastly, the other night, I laid it out for her. Next time it will be nuclear and we are over and I will tell my family about her, our mutual friends, as well as her family. End of marriage. Please, any advice here.
> 
> *She MUST go NC and you need to monitor that. YUP.
> *
> She also mentioned that part of her was very sorry she did this but was lured into it because she grew up mostly being a "good' girl and this was something bad. Also, mentions a mid-life crisis. In my mind, I go from being ok for one hour to another feeling really angry and I can't control it. Sleeping in the guest room because of the unknown and how this is going to play out.


Have not read the rest yet.

Be aware these things can escalate over night to full blown PAs. Sometimes they simmer but my point is that time is NOT on your side. Also once you have confronted her she may go underground. Also he will step up his efforts to bed her. Likely if not absolute. But it is not about calculating risk. It is slamming the door on this.


----------



## Entropy3000

GusPolinski said:


> Well, you've made the threat, so now you have to back it up.
> 
> Letting her continue to see the guy after you initially confronted her? Bad, bad move. And how sure are you that this "EA" didn't go full-on PA? They would have more than enough opportunity for that, especially after you let her go back to continue "training" w/ the guy. Seriously, you might as well just have driven her to his house.
> 
> Either way, what's done is done. Going forward, assuming that she doesn't want a divorce, 100% transparency is called for. She needs to share passwords for any and all social media accounts (Facebook, Instagram, Google+, etc), e-mail addresses, and electronic devices.
> 
> Mr. D**chebag Personal Trainer also gets unfriended and blocked on all social media. Block his phone number and e-mail addresses (if you have them) as well.
> 
> Also, why are you sleeping in the guest room? To Hell w/ that, throw her @$$ in there.


Also EAs are one thing, but more blatant is what I call a sexual affair. It does not require an EA which tends to become romantic and then sexual. But PTs can get involved with clients, multiple in what are EAs for the women but are sexual affairs for them. Also women do this too. They are less about being emotional and more about the sexual.

This is a cliche on the old tennis pro or golf instructor.


----------



## GusPolinski

GusPolinski said:


> A 44" Louisville Slugger can be an awesome equalizer. That or the front bumper of a Chevy Silverado. Or both.





Iver said:


> Umm, while I like a good throwdown as much as the next guy I'm not convinced this is such a good idea.
> 
> The probablilty of this ending badly for the OP, either with an ass whupping or jail, just a guess here...going to be 86.99%...
> 
> Instead, how about she quits the gym and joins a new one - and at her new one has a woman trainer?
> 
> Much better odds for our OP. (and do the icloud text retrieval just to make sure there's not more going on here)


I guess I need to do a better job of indicating sarcasm, as "" alone didn't quite do the trick.

Anyway... Yeah, I'd confront the guy. And if he kicks my @$$, so what? In the end it would cost him a whole lot more than it would me.


----------



## Entropy3000

Gabriel said:


> My wife used to be a trainer at a chain gym and it was common that the guy trainers would date their clients.
> 
> This one is easy. Tell her she can no longer have a personal trainer. She has no argument against this whatsoever. She demonstrated she couldn't be trusted with one.
> 
> Then, tell her she needs to be completely transparent with her devices. No passcodes, shared passwords, etc.
> 
> My impression is you likely nipped this in the bud, but now you have to be strong with your boundaries.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## GTdad

GusPolinski said:


> Anyway... Yeah, I'd confront the guy. And if he kicks my @$$, so what? In the end it would cost him a whole lot more than it would me.


To the extent you need "cover", it ain't hard to get the other guy to throw the first punch.


----------



## GusPolinski

GTdad said:


> To the extent you need "cover", *it ain't hard to get the other guy to throw the first punch.*


LOL. Nope, not at all. Believe me, I've got the whole getting-people-to-want-to-hit-me thing down to both an art *and* a science.


----------



## Entropy3000

MFARBER said:


> thanks everyone, let me clarify a few points, it gets more complicated:
> 
> *wife on Lexapro
> *date raped in college before we met
> *WAS on Zoloft
> 
> The texting was not provocative-more like "you make me smile"
> 
> She is not a partier or drinker. Wine at dinner than usually in bed on week nights around 10 and 11 on the weekends. No clubbing or other activities. That is why it makes it so difficult as to how to react. I was thinking of drafting a letter of agreement stating what she did and how I think she should act. If in fact the hiding and distrust continues, divorce is imminent.
> 
> She has an older sister that is more attractive and skinny than her in her perception.
> 
> This is driving me crazy. Thought about putting a key logger on her iPhone but my research told me that the best way is to jail break an iPhone and even then it's not effective.


Good input that is full of Yin and Yang. All this has it's own special dangers / risks.

Think tough love though.

But be aware that this stuff happens and solid boundaries are critical. Some of us are more susceptible than others as well. Check out His Needs Her Needs and make sure you do the boundary setting. This will help you two to bond which is essential anyway.

The fact you travel makes this tougher.


----------



## Entropy3000

Gabriel said:


> Enough. Written agreement on how to act? Are you kidding me? What's next, a marriage manual that she reads at night? That is so weak, dude, and deep down you know it.
> 
> She quits that gym, gives full transparency on all devices. No future male personal trainers, ever. You watch her for awhile for any further issues.
> 
> That's it. She fights you on any of it, start throwing the D word around. If she calls that bluff, get a lawyer. I doubt it gets that far.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Entropy3000

turnera said:


> The FIRST thing you need to do is march up to that gym and talk to the owner or manager and get that POS fired. And then you find that guy and tell him leave your wife alone or else. Then leave. Most guys like that will run for the hills if the husband shows up.


This could happen. But the guy just may get extra points on the leader board. Depends on the GYM and who you talk to there. 

Money talks. Telling them why you are cancelling you membership is the best companion to this.

Some look at the PTs bedding clients as good business.


----------



## jld

GusPolinski said:


> LOL. Nope, not at all. Believe me, I've got the whole getting-people-to-want-to-hit-me thing down to both an art *and* a science.


Why do I believe this?


----------



## GusPolinski

jld said:


> Why do I believe this?


LOL. Because you've been paying attention. :smthumbup:


----------



## treyvion

weightlifter said:


> Yes but with cum not muscles. This is like scumbag personal trainer #356643632. Screwing attached women must be some kind of game to personal trainers.


Comes with the territory. Just because most TAM'ers aren't cheating doesn't mean the rest of the world isn't. Boning someones married wife or gf is a normal day in the life for many.


----------



## Entropy3000

treyvion said:


> Comes with the territory. Just because most TAM'ers aren't cheating doesn't mean the rest of the world isn't. Boning someones married wife or gf is a normal day in the life for many.


It is both a business thing and an ego boost.

Most PTs do not make a lot of money. So they may get off on banging some lawyers wife. Messed up? Sure. It happens.


----------



## treyvion

Entropy3000 said:


> It is both a business thing and an ego boost.
> 
> Most PTs do not make a lot of money. So they may get off on banging some lawyers wife.


think about it, it add's to their thrill. so you know they do it.


----------



## Gabriel

Entropy3000 said:


> This could happen. But the guy just may get extra points on the leader board. Depends on the GYM and who you talk to there.
> 
> Money talks. Telling them why you are cancelling you membership is the best companion to this.
> 
> Some look at the PTs bedding clients as good business.


Yeah, going in there to "get the guy fired" is laughable. It's too commonplace, and there is no proof of sex at all. All the manager might do is warn the trainer to watch himself.

Then they would roll their eyes as he leaves.

Gym's aren't offices. Doesn't work that way.


----------



## GusPolinski

A CV profile for the trainer and/or a nice, big banner out front stating something to the effect of "Hey Husbands! Want your wives to cheat? Make sure they work out here!" might work wonders.


----------



## Gabriel

GusPolinski said:


> A CV profile for the trainer and/or a nice, big banner out front stating something to the effect of "Hey Husbands! Want your wives to cheat? Make sure they work out here!" might work wonders.


----------



## treyvion

What's next? A PA is the logical step. After she realizes you can't stop her, she will keep on going.


----------



## italianjob

Did I miss it or the OP still hasn't clarified if the wife is still working out at the same gym or not?

Another point not very clear: how does anyone think it's normal for a housewife to work out 6-7 times a week (every day, a lot of Sundays included)? You get ready for the Olympics on a schedule like that not just get fit. This is why I think this has been a full blown affair for quite some time now...
I know several fitness obsessed women and they go to the gym something like 3-4 times a week max.


----------



## thatbpguy

Gabriel said:


> Yeah, going in there to "get the guy fired" is laughable. It's too commonplace, and there is no proof of sex at all. All the manager might do is warn the trainer to watch himself.
> 
> Then they would roll their eyes as he leaves.
> 
> Gym's aren't offices. Doesn't work that way.


Unless he cancels the membership and let's it be known he will publicize it.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

MFARBER said:


> That's where I am confused. There wasn't physical contact to the best of my knowledge. Naïve? Am I overreacting?


The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world *flirting* is okay. 



Nope, not right at all even if "wine" was involved. Allthis tells you is, he is more important to her than you thought.


----------



## treyvion

phillybeffandswiss said:


> The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world *flirting* is okay.
> 
> 
> 
> Nope, not right at all even if "wine" was involved. Allthis tells you is, he is more important to her than you thought.


What people call "flirting" is down right taking shots at someone, some of that normal flirting is way over the line. Kinda like putting bait in front of a fish.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Oh, my wife knows and that's all that matters to me. I've listened to too many people claim "flirting is okay" and "I'm a flirt it is all in fun." I agree completely if your are single or just dating people.

In a marriage, you will never convince me it is alright. My tolerance, which was already low, has basically become zero after reading threads on TAM. You listen to some poor guy or gal realize, all those flirty comments between the best friend ended up with the spouse and Bff screwing.


----------



## treyvion

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Oh, my wife knows and that's all that matters to me. I've listened to too many people claim "flirting is okay" and "I'm a flirt it is all in fun." I agree completely if your are single or just dating people.
> 
> In a marriage, you will never convince me it is alright. My tolerance, which was already low, has basically become zero after reading threads on TAM. You listen to some poor guy or gal realize, all those flirty comments between the best friend ended up with the spouse and Bff screwing.


It always starts as a progression. The progression occurs as an acceleration, it's rather rapid. It's best to break it before it gets going. Once it gets going its physically painful to stop...


----------



## MFARBER

No, we both work out at least 5-6 times a week. Other things I didn't mention: 

-I monitor her iphone text and phone calls(monthly statements)
-GPS tracker on iPhone
-have access to all facebook, work email, and twitter which is useless
-she does not go to the PT anymore and does not have access to him on facebook


----------



## Chaparral

MFARBER said:


> No, we both work out at least 5-6 times a week. Other things I didn't mention:
> 
> -I monitor her iphone text and phone calls(monthly statements)
> -GPS tracker on iPhone
> -have access to all facebook, work email, and twitter which is useless
> -she does not go to the PT anymore and does not have access to him on facebook


Does she know you are doing this?


----------



## thatbpguy

phillybeffandswiss said:


> The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world *flirting* is okay.
> 
> 
> 
> Nope, not right at all even if "wine" was involved. Allthis tells you is, he is more important to her than you thought.


Careful, we have a TAM member that strongly encourages it.


----------



## GusPolinski

MFARBER said:


> No, we both work out at least 5-6 times a week. Other things I didn't mention:
> 
> -I monitor her iphone text and phone calls(monthly statements)
> -GPS tracker on iPhone
> -have access to all facebook, work email, and twitter which is useless
> -she does not go to the PT anymore and does not have access to him on facebook


Just an FYI... monthly statements won't catch any texts sent via iMessage, WhatsApp, SnapChat, Words With Friends, etc. Messages sent via those apps aren't routed through the provider's SMS infrastructure and therefore won't appear on the statements.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

thatbpguy said:


> Careful, we have a TAM member that strongly encourages it.


Oh, I know, there is more than one and I've lurked in quite a few of those threads. They are entitled to do what works for them. It doesn't work for me and my wife is welcome to leave if she doesn't like my attitude on flirting.


----------



## italianjob

MFARBER said:


> No, *we both work out at least 5-6 times a week*. Other things I didn't mention:
> 
> -I monitor her iphone text and phone calls(monthly statements)
> -GPS tracker on iPhone
> -have access to all facebook, work email, and twitter which is useless
> -*she does not go to the PT anymore *and does not have access to him on facebook


first bolded: are you and your wife getting ready for the Olympics in 2016? 

second bolded: ok, but is she working out in the same gym but not with him, or has she changed gym? because this makes a world of difference in case you didn't notice...


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## tom67

first bolded: are you and your wife getting ready for the Olympics in 2016? 
:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I'm all for working out but...:scratchhead:


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## BobSimmons

You cannot monitor whatsapp or similar apps.. nor can you monitor a call from a pay phone or burner phone.


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## PhillyGuy13

Wife is an iPhone user... What phone does the PT use? You've seen their texts before. If the conversation is "green" then he is not an iPhone user. Traditional texts will show on your carrier statement. If the convo was "blue" then he is also an iPhone user and any texts are actually iMessages and will not appear on the statement.

That said, if you have her phone do a search on his name and phone number separately (she may have given him an alias or deleted him as a contact but has the number memorized,)

When you search the name or number, any activity on the phone will appear, including Recently deleted texts/iMessages conversations - sometimes. This doesn't happen always I've personally tested this it doesn't always work, it's quirky. You can't read the whole message this way, but it tells you if there is contact.

Next, check all apps for anything out of ordinary- specifically texting apps. Someone mentioned words with friends. A lot of games have a chat feature. Cheaters use games as a cover. No specific apps that raise eyebrows? Go to the App Store, search texting apps. FB Messanger, snapchat, whatsapp, hundreds of them really. Anything with a "cloud" symbol means she has previously installed it. Apps can be downloaded and deleted in a matter of seconds. This will tell you if she is using any.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Iver

_I noticed she was keeping her phone on her 24/7, texting, on facebook, etc._

Not to be a downer here but could she have been making googly eyes at someone other than the gym rat?


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## MFARBER

I doubt it. We both work out a lot and do marathons. Although, my wife is obsessive. Sad to say, I think it's more about what's going on in her head. Trust me, I have her monitored on all aspects so thanks for all you zealots out there. What pisses me off still is she ***** footed around and just "chatted". I'm going out Sat night on my own and we will see what happens. Hmm. Probably nothing.


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## jnj express

as for your wife's working out---buy whatever equipment she needs, and from now on---SHE WORKS OUT AT HOME------if she is running---there better be NO males running with her AT ANY TIME

If you wanna find out if she went physical---make her take a POLY---it would have been very easy for the 2 of them to go physical ---in a bathroom, in a car----you weren't around

Don't be so trusting as to what she is saying to you-----she has LEARNED HOW TO LIE/MANIPULATE/and DECIEVE----ALSO---MANY TIMES A'S DO NOT JUST END COLD TURKEY, LIKE YOU WOULD HOPE FOR----SHE MAY BE DEEPLY UNDERGROUND------

Just keep a good eye on her, and at this point do not make anything easy for her----she has to have and know ACCOUNTABILITY---and she cannot be allowed to go back to her cushy pre A, lifestyle--------You cannot let this slide---if she thinks you are really just gonna slide this under the rug after awhile, and this was all just words from you----SHE WILL KNOW SHE CAN CHEAT AGAIN, AND GET AWAY WITH IT---CUZ SHE DID THIS TIME-----like it or not---you MUST be very hard and tuff about what goes on in re: her lifestyle


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## turnera

So...she is still at the same gym with that guy? :0


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## naiveonedave

this sounds similar to my brother. his ex started running with a mixed group. As time went several dropped out, as the leaders were training for a marathon. Eventually she hooked up with one. The 3+ hours/day she was with the OM and not my brother eventually built a wall between and she cheated. All the blameshifting and TT caused the divorce.


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## MFARBER

to clarify, no more gym time, or contact with him. Also, she had dialog with him for 4 days in a row via Facebook Messenger the first time. After I found out and confronted, it went away for 6-7 weeks. I got wise and started monitoring her cell phone activity(this was the first time) and the other night his number came up on her statement online. That's when I confronted her again. In between this, I have an app that tracks her movement and not once did the come even close to seeing him. I'm not saying my tracking is air tight. Would certainly be open to where I am missing but to my perspective, I see a few days on messaging on FB with low-key messages and then this incident last weekend.


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## thatbpguy

MFARBER said:


> to clarify, no more gym time, or contact with him. Also, she had dialog with him for 4 days in a row via Facebook Messenger the first time. After I found out and confronted, it went away for 6-7 weeks. I got wise and started monitoring her cell phone activity(this was the first time) and the other night his number came up on her statement online. That's when I confronted her again. In between this, I have an app that tracks her movement and not once did the come even close to seeing him. I'm not saying my tracking is air tight. Would certainly be open to where I am missing but to my perspective, I see a few days on messaging on FB with low-key messages and then this incident last weekend.


This may indicate they have taken their friendship underground.


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## MFARBER

this freakin web site is like Fight Club. Ok, so can you give me some ways to see if this has gone "underground"? Should I grab me wife and hook her up to a poly over texting twice with a PT? At some point, I have to look myself in the mirror as well, right?


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## tom67

MFARBER said:


> this freakin web site is like Fight Club. Ok, so can you give me some ways to see if this has gone "underground"? Should I grab me wife and hook her up to a poly over texting twice with a PT? At some point, I have to look myself in the mirror as well, right?



Hey you have in my opinion, done a good job.
How long do you want to play prison warden?
Just think about it that's all don't shoot me.

She has to do the heavy lifting and prove to you that she is on the level.
Track for a month or so otherwise what is the point.
Just sayin.


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## thatbpguy

MFARBER said:


> this freakin web site is like Fight Club. Ok, so can you give me some ways to see if this has gone "underground"? Should I grab me wife and hook her up to a poly over texting twice with a PT? At some point, I have to look myself in the mirror as well, right?


Loosen your bullets a bit.

Didn't you mention they had contact well after it was to have stopped?


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## Gabriel

Look dude, if you think what she's done is no big deal and handled now, why do you keep coming back and posting stuff?


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## GusPolinski

Sooooo... they're still talking. And you're OK w/ this?


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## the guy

Gabriel said:


> Look dude, if you think what she's done is no big deal and handled now, why do you keep coming back and posting stuff?


cuz it hurts!


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## italianjob

MFARBER said:


> this freakin web site is like Fight Club. Ok, so can you give me some ways to see if this has gone "underground"? Should I grab me wife and hook her up to a poly over texting twice with a PT? At some point, I have to look myself in the mirror as well, right?


You should do nothing at all.
It's YOUR life and it's YOUR wife, so if you feel alright and safe with things as they are and have been, it's all said and done.

People posted their opinions based on the fact that you seemingly felt unsafe enough to post this story, that the way you worded your account raised a lot of red flags (members here have some personal experience and have read thousands of similar stories, so they feel they have a little knowledge in this matters), and that a lot of things seems to make you a little too nervous about answering simple questions.

But it's your call. You think it's allright now, good for you.


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## TiredFamilyGuy

Now, you do not trust your wife. 
With good cause, I might add.
What kind of a marriage is that? A broken one. 
People are not 100% trustworthy - I can't trust myself sometimes. But if you are wondering whether the person you tied yourself too will stab you in the back and rationalise that it is your fault, then your marriage is screwed.

She has to do a lot more. She has to know why. She has to be contrite ... as in show shame. If she can't ... ask yourself, is this what you want?


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## BobSimmons

MFARBER said:


> this freakin web site is like Fight Club. Ok, so can you give me some ways to see if this has gone "underground"? Should I grab me wife and hook her up to a poly over texting twice with a PT? At some point, I have to look myself in the mirror as well, right?


Is it like fight club? 

Your wife had a "friendship" communicated with OM, you confronted and she ended communication. 

Now most of the zealots (in your words) would tell you communication hadn't stopped and had been taken underground..lo and behold because of your hypervigilance (or should that be zealousness on your case?) you find out she had communicated with him again. So what's to stop a third time?

Your wife formed an emotional connection with another man. Lord knows what fantasies she had in her head but you best believe they are still there. This is her obsession now. While it is still there she will always reach out for him. Said previously there are many ways to communicate, payphones, burner phones or pre paid cards.

Sadly you have probably done all you can do. Now it must be up to her to put in the work as well otherwise you will drive yourself crazy trying to catch her out.


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## PhillyGuy13

MFarber- do what makes you comfortable. If you are confident there is no contact now that is great. It looks like you are doing very good monitoring her.

I was in a similar situation with the flirty texts. I monitored for contact for months, phone, email, apps, VAR. Really drove myself nuts I almost wish I find something. Glad I didn't. Even hired a PI at one point. Wish I hadn't, glad I did. PI found nothing. Check that he found no inappropriate behavior, which isn't nothing. I gave myself as much peace of mind as I could. Though it was never 100% confidence. Today 6 months later I'm at say 95% confidence. Still check the monthly statements. Removed the VAR. Will check the texts when I'm bored or trigger but not often.

Point is- do what you can to eliminate as much doubt as possible and give yourself as much peace of mind as you can. Only you can say how much. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dogman

BobSimmons said:


> Is it like fight club?
> 
> Your wife had a "friendship" communicated with OM, you confronted and she ended communication.
> 
> Now most of the zealots (in your words) would tell you communication hadn't stopped and had been taken underground..lo and behold because of your hypervigilance (or should that be zealousness on your case?) you find out she had communicated with him again. So what's to stop a third time?
> 
> Your wife formed an emotional connection with another man. Lord knows what fantasies she had in her head but you best believe they are still there. This is her obsession now. While it is still there she will always reach out for him. Said previously there are many ways to communicate, payphones, burner phones or pre paid cards.
> 
> Sadly you have probably done all you can do. Now it must be up to her to put in the work as well otherwise you will drive yourself crazy trying to catch her out.


I agree. 
Who remembers Devastated-dad (DD) and how he busted his wife texting and then managed to record her banging the OM in her office at work weeks later after they took it to the next level underground.
Busting something that has momentum is tough and takes some heavy hands.


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## Chaparral

Imho, cheating with a gym rat is cheating with an expert at cheating with married women and hiding it.

Everytime she contacts him, the affair is back to full on. Reconcilliation is set back to zero. Read the other threads here, your chance of saving this marriage is about 15%


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## GusPolinski

Chaparral said:


> Imho, cheating with a gym rat is cheating with an expert at cheating with married women and hiding it.
> 
> Everytime she contacts him, the affair is back to full on. Reconcilliation is set back to zero. Read the other threads here, your chance of saving this marriage is about 15%


Word.


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## happyman64

dogman said:


> I agree.
> Who remembers Devastated-dad (DD) and how he busted his wife texting and then managed to record her banging the OM in her office at work weeks later after they took it to the next level underground.
> Busting something that has momentum is tough and takes some heavy hands.


And if I remember correctly DD had an app that allowed him real time audio and maybe video.

He heard his wife going at it real time with the OM.

He almost killed himself trying to confront but got there a few minutes too late.

I hope he is ok.


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## bandit.45

happyman64 said:


> And if I remember correctly DD had an app that allowed him real time audio and maybe video.
> 
> He heard his wife going at it real time with the OM.
> 
> He almost killed himself trying to confront but got there a few minutes too late.
> 
> I hope he is ok.


Last I heard DD is still married to his fWW. But I think he's checked out emotionally. He's waiting for the kids to grow up and then he's probably going to bail.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt

bandit.45 said:


> Last I heard DD is still married to his fWW. But I think he's checked out emotionally. He's waiting for the kids to grow up and then he's probably going to bail.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you heard from him privately? That's the impression I got as well, just wondering if you've heard something more definitive.

Miss that dude. He's a good fellow.


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## phillybeffandswiss

MFARBER said:


> this freakin web site is like Fight Club.


Irony. You understand Fight Club right? It is about a guy battling inner demons, who finally has a psychotic break and physically battles himself.

I'd say Fight Club describes you right now. You even started a thread (club) as a secret outlet for your frustrations. You are attacking the people in your "club" and you have a terrible off again on again relationship with a woman.

I could write an essay on the parallels between Fight Club and a betrayed spouses issues during and after infidelity.


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## MFARBER

Thanks. I agree for now. Just looking for areas where maybe I missed something that's what I am overly critical of myself. Thanks everyone. Not going to let my guard down however.


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## GusPolinski

MFARBER said:


> Thanks. I agree for now. Just looking for areas where maybe I missed something that's what I am overly critical of myself. Thanks everyone. Not going to let my guard down however.


If your wife is still communicating w/ this guy at all then you've missed a LOT.


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## MFARBER

thank you so much


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## tom67

MFARBER said:


> thank you so much


We wish you the best stay strong and keep venting here.
Either she is in or out no in between.


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## Stevenj

Have you considered buying your wife a chastity belt to have her show you everything is OK?


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## Chaparral

Has she volunteered or said she would take a polygraph? Have you asked her if she loves you why she is hitting on another man? Have you discussed how you would divide things if you split? What have you done to make her think of life with a broken marriage?


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## happyman64

> What have you done to make her think of life with a broken marriage?


What he needs to show her is what her life will look like without him in the marriage.....


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## phillybeffandswiss

MFARBER said:


> thank you so much


It's terrible and most of us understand this, to different degrees, based on our own problems. It feels like people are attacking you, but they are not. We are attacking your way of thinking. Seriously, Go read ACOA's thread. It's not the worst, but it shows a guy who did everything he could to save his marriage and then found out it was all a lie. 

People say slow down, I've started going to the other side. Start the process immediately and then slow down. I've seen way to many "I'm sorry" threads and 3 months later, after working on things" the betrayed are saying "OMG, what do I do?" Some people say it gives them license to cheat, whatever, in most cases they are already cheating.


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## Chaparral

happyman64 said:


> What he needs to show her is what her life will look like without him in the marriage.....


Hey, that's what I meant.
Btw, calling him drunk showed you exactly where she is truly at.


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## MFARBER

quick question regarding Instagram. Is it possible to have a chat or email dialog within Instagram privately? I looked at it and it don't believe that is the case but just want some feedback. Thanks.


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## PhillyGuy13

According to this they added a chat feature in December. Not an Instagram user so no idea how it works:

Instagram CEO Kevin Systrom debuts photo-chat private messaging
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MFARBER

thanks everyone. The limbo sucks. After I confronted the texts messages I am just looking for more information. I see a clear change in her since March. It's like in work when you hate it when you know you are right. Sex is great, good gifts at father's day, good nights at home but still not cool. I'm at not at all feeling good. Something isn't right.


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## GusPolinski

So is she still in contact w/ the trainer?


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## murphy5

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Irony. You understand Fight Club right? It is about a guy battling inner demons, who finally has a psychotic break and physically battles himself.
> .


hey, rule #1: never talk about fight club!


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## bfree

*Re: Re: Wife Had EA, Now what?*



MFARBER said:


> thanks everyone. The limbo sucks. After I confronted the texts messages I am just looking for more information. I see a clear change in her since March. It's like in work when you hate it when you know you are right. Sex is great, good gifts at father's day, good nights at home but still not cool. I'm at not at all feeling good. Something isn't right.


Trust your gut. As we've seen here it never lets you down.


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## HubbyDaddy2013

I can tell you that my wife had an EA. Anyway, I confronted her, and exposed to everyone. She went NC with Other man (Who is married with 6 kids). 

She turned a new leaf. We had a lot of sex for a few weeks. That part has rubbed off though, and we are back to normal routine. She is walking with me around the neighborhood every night. She is focused more on work. 

However, I have noticed in the past week that her "Nice ness" is starting to disappear. She is starting to nag about little things, and be "*****y" again. 

...For instance...I am throwing a BBQ for July 4th and inviting family and friends, and rented a moon bounce for the kids to play in that day. She doesn't understand why I would rent a moon bounce, and told me I should have never did it since our yard is just wide enough for it. She then started nagging about why I am even throwing a BBQ in the first place. ...This was during our walk last night. ...So I can see that she now thinks things have blown over, and she can act out with her nagging once again (Like she was doing before the EA that she had). 

That kind of behavior will turn you off almost instantly after your wife has in a EA. ...Before the EA, as a husband you would take it differently, or deal with it, and it almost felt normal. Now, it just comes off as blatantly dis respectful and rude when they act like that.


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## thatbpguy

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> I can tell you that my wife had an EA. Anyway, I confronted her, and exposed to everyone. She went NC with Other man (Who is married with 6 kids).
> 
> She turned a new leaf. We had a lot of sex for a few weeks. That part has rubbed off though, and we are back to normal routine. She is walking with me around the neighborhood every night. She is focused more on work.
> 
> However, I have noticed in the past week that her "Nice ness" is starting to disappear. She is starting to nag about little things, and be "*****y" again.
> 
> ...For instance...I am throwing a BBQ for July 4th and inviting family and friends, and rented a moon bounce for the kids to play in that day. She doesn't understand why I would rent a moon bounce, and told me I should have never did it since our yard is just wide enough for it. She then started nagging about why I am even throwing a BBQ in the first place. ...This was during our walk last night. ...So I can see that she now thinks things have blown over, and she can act out with her nagging once again (Like she was doing before the EA that she had).
> 
> That kind of behavior will turn you off almost instantly after your wife has in a EA. ...Before the EA, as a husband you would take it differently, or deal with it, and it almost felt normal. Now, it just comes off as blatantly dis respectful and rude when they act like that.


This should be it's own thread. Maybe use your post and start one.


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## turnera

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> I can tell you that my wife had an EA. Anyway, I confronted her, and exposed to everyone. She went NC with Other man (Who is married with 6 kids).
> 
> She turned a new leaf. We had a lot of sex for a few weeks. That part has rubbed off though, and we are back to normal routine. She is walking with me around the neighborhood every night. She is focused more on work.
> 
> However, I have noticed in the past week that her "Nice ness" is starting to disappear. She is starting to nag about little things, and be "*****y" again.
> 
> ...For instance...I am throwing a BBQ for July 4th and inviting family and friends, and rented a moon bounce for the kids to play in that day. She doesn't understand why I would rent a moon bounce, and told me I should have never did it since our yard is just wide enough for it. She then started nagging about why I am even throwing a BBQ in the first place. ...This was during our walk last night. ...So I can see that she now thinks things have blown over, and she can act out with her nagging once again (Like she was doing before the EA that she had).
> 
> That kind of behavior will turn you off almost instantly after your wife has in a EA. ...Before the EA, as a husband you would take it differently, or deal with it, and it almost felt normal. Now, it just comes off as blatantly dis respectful and rude when they act like that.


And your response is to do...what?

Hopefully, it includes stopping what you're doing, looking her directly in the eyes, and saying "Wife, you're walking a thin line here. I am NOT over what you did to this marriage and I am STILL weighing my options and will continue to do so for as long as it takes to see if you are just here for convenience."


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## GusPolinski

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> I can tell you that my wife had an EA. Anyway, I confronted her, and exposed to everyone. She went NC with Other man (Who is married with 6 kids).
> 
> She turned a new leaf. We had a lot of sex for a few weeks. That part has rubbed off though, and we are back to normal routine. She is walking with me around the neighborhood every night. She is focused more on work.
> 
> However, I have noticed in the past week that her "Nice ness" is starting to disappear. She is starting to nag about little things, and be "*****y" again.
> 
> ...For instance...I am throwing a BBQ for July 4th and inviting family and friends, and rented a moon bounce for the kids to play in that day. She doesn't understand why I would rent a moon bounce, and told me I should have never did it since our yard is just wide enough for it. *She then started nagging about why I am even throwing a BBQ in the first place.* ...This was during our walk last night. ...So I can see that she now thinks things have blown over, and she can act out with her nagging once again (Like she was doing before the EA that she had).
> 
> That kind of behavior will turn you off almost instantly after your wife has in a EA. ...Before the EA, as a husband you would take it differently, or deal with it, and it almost felt normal. Now, it just comes off as blatantly dis respectful and rude when they act like that.


Well, if you exposed her EA to "everyone", she probably doesn't feel comfortable at the prospect of having to face them all, and in her own home no less.


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## Chaparral

GusPolinski said:


> Well, if you exposed her EA to "everyone", she probably doesn't feel comfortable at the prospect of having to face them all, and in her own home no less.


What's your point


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## GusPolinski

Chaparral said:


> What's your point


Uhhh... Just what I said...? :scratchhead:


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