# What to Do, What to do?



## SecretSquirrell (Dec 18, 2010)

Hello!

I wasn't sure where to put this, because my current situation is a very unique. I will give a little back story, of two seemingly different parts of my life, and then show you where they collide. 

Please, forgive me - I use some humor and sarcasm to deal with my own problems.. It's ok if you laugh because of how I word vomit this out. Laughter is what keeps the heart healthy.

My Wife:

My wife and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, collectively. Only married for 6 months (which isn't long at all..), and so far our entire relationship (all 3 1/2 years) has been incredibly easy going. In fact, the only thing we don't agree on is furniture, having the puppy we own, wall art, bank accounts, what to do every day, and chores. Yet, we find substantial amounts of meaningful conversation every day, and our relationship is full of love.

Lets take a break, and talk about the second aspect.

My Best Friend: 
(Yeah.. it's going there.. Stay tuned for the complications)

My best friend and I have known each other for 4 years. She's always been there for me, we've always been able to talk and do the typical friend stuff. Now, here is a bit of complication, she is married, and decently unhappy, and has 2 kids. Ultimately afraid to leave for many of the wrong reasons, and her relationship with her husband, well is dismal. He's a poor father, and a horrible partner. He would rather spend time playing his video games, then caring for his family. 

The Complication:

I love my best friend. (I warned you. It was headed here.) Two years ago, we had an affair. She being married, and I was only dating my wife at the time. This affair went on for the better part of a year, and towards last Christmas I had such a build up of guilt that I asked if we could stop - then utterly avoid her for the better part of this year. I've always loved her though, and have never stop thinking about her. 

(More conflict! Be prepared!)

Before I asked my wife to wed, I pushed my best friend out of my mind, and buried the feelings in my heart. One night, my wife and I were talking about some of my fears for getting married, and she was a little pushy (and I a little bit of a push over) about getting married soon, I ended up proposing later that night (I reasoned I was going to do it anyway, so why not do it now. I was only scared, right?)

We decided on a 2 year engagement, just so we could back out if anything needed to change, or be re arranged. Now my wife and I did everything fast to start with. We were living together within three months of starting our courtship. 

Now we've been married for six months, and I my best friend and I started talking again (this spells trouble. call hollywood, I think my life stole the plot of every romantic comedy). 

I took my best friend, in the living room one night as my wife slept in the bedroom. My infidelity knows no bounds, please don't chastise me for it. 

My best friend loves me deeply. We want to be with each other, and we don't want to split our time between each other and our spouses. I was rushed into marriage with a woman that I love, because I couldn't be with the woman I loved more. 

Both my best friend and I are scared of divorce, and don't want to hurt anyone. Neither one of us like pulling the plug on a relationship, and understand that what we're doing is wrong to our spouses. We have no idea what to do though. We love each other deeply, but feel stuck in our lives..

Can someone please help?

(And, please, no criticism. I know I'm not the worlds greatest guy right now. Just think of my life as a romantic comedy.. You'll be influencing the plot!)


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

SecretSquirrell said:


> Can someone please help?
> 
> (And, please, no criticism. I know I'm not the worlds greatest guy right now. Just think of my life as a romantic comedy.. You'll be influencing the plot!)


Nobody can help if you treat this like a joke. I pity your wife.


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## SecretSquirrell (Dec 18, 2010)

michzz said:


> Nobody can help if you treat this like a joke. I pity your wife.


Hm. Wrong kind of advice bud. I hope you're not the helpful welcoming committee. And you must not have read the 



me said:


> Please, forgive me - I use some humor and sarcasm to deal with my own problems.. It's ok if you laugh because of how I word vomit this out. Laughter is what keeps the heart healthy.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

michzz said:


> Nobody can help if you treat this like a joke. I pity your wife.


I do concur.


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## SecretSquirrell (Dec 18, 2010)

Trenton said:


> I do concur.


This is becoming incredibly redundant. Hopefully it will turn to helpful.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I'm not so sure how helpful I can be, since I'm HUGE on the fidelity thing. However..that horse has already left the barn. So here goes...
Do your WIFE a favor and divorce her. You're admittedly in love with another woman. NO woman wants to come in second place to another. You say you're scared...I can't help you're going to be more afraid if she finds out, and the s**t hits the fan. If she happens to go to some infidelity sites and acts on the advice she WILL be given to tell the other woman's husband, then you're doing to double your trouble. 
This is not going to end well. Not for any of you. The best thing to do at this point is to simply get it over and done with. That will free your wife to find someone who is going to love her ONLY, and honor the vow he took to forsake all others. I'm just going to have to stop there.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

SecretSquirrell said:


> Hm. Wrong kind of advice bud. I hope you're not the helpful welcoming committee. And you must not have read the


I read your post. my lack of further advice stands. You are not serious about fixing things. Your utter lack of respect for your wife or even in asking for advice is clear.

Divorce her, free her from you.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

What to say? What to say?

I am scratching my head.

Hey, do you love your wife? Sounds like you do? And you love this friend. Wow, you are a lucky and charming man. I wish most men are not as charming as you. 

But sounds like you are just a normal man, because you are making a mistake a lot of men make. Wow, it is good to be men. 

If you continue seeing this woman, one day, you are going to lose these two women who you claim to love, and your best friend's husband might have a duel with you, I wish you both have a good fight. 

You can do whatever you like before you are serious with a woman, after you have made a commitment to her, you'd better stick to it. I still find western women more civil in this regard, Chinese women, do you know what they do if they find out their husbands cheat? ka tsa, scissors. 

If you want true love, there is only one choice! ONE WOMAN!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Buddy, if you came here looking for someone to agree and sympathize with you, oh man, did you pick the wrong horse!


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## SecretSquirrell (Dec 18, 2010)

This advice forum.. Is really, well.. lacking in the advice.

Well, thank you all. I know that infidelity is huge with a lot of people, at one point even I had the same out look on it, and not many people can understand the idea of loving two people. 

I give me best to them both when its just either of us, and when were' face to face, they get the utmost respect, attention, and affection. 

Adios.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Wow, 

I think this is what you want to hear, 

In Taiwan, there is a man, he has five wives, sounds like he is doing a great job keeping his wives happy. One of his wives even manages finance for other wives. 

Admire? 

Go and make more money! 

And you should drink more tiger penis wine, snake wine or deer tail wine. It hels you stay strong like a tiger, a snake or a deer. 

Anything else do you like to hear? I know a lot!!!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Oh, just tell your wife, have your best friend tell her husband. Your wife and her husband will fall in love, freeing you and your best friend to live happily ever after while your wife and her husband ride off into the sunset to that marshmallow castle off the coast of Narnia. 

You're mad because people told you the truth? I just told you what you want to hear; now being honest, does that sound very realistic to you? 

You're in a messy situation that you have made worse. There is no easy, uncomplicated way out of this. Even if you two manage to somehow end your current marriages without telling your spouses about the affair, they will find out. If nothing else, they will figure it out when you two get together. 

The advice given in this forum is pretty much always very helpful and useful. But you have to be willing to listen to it. It's not pretty, it's honest. And if you're not ready for honesty, then you won't be happy with what you get here.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

SecretSquirrell said:


> I give me best to them both when its just either of us, and when were' face to face, they get the utmost respect, attention, and affection.
> 
> Adios.


Oh sure, nothing says "best" like what you wrote earlier:



SecretSquirrell said:


> I took my best friend, in the living room one night as my wife slept in the bedroom. My infidelity knows no bounds, please don't chastise me for it.


Ask your wife if she thinks this is your best.

Yup, your infidelity knows no bounds.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If I was your wife, I would want the honest & raw truth, it is not fair or loving to her remaining in a marraige where your heart belongs to another. 

Surely she can FEEL this in the relationship & would reject it herself ?? Get this book- it understands your dilemma. Amazon.com: When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships (9780312563448): Mira Kirshenbaum: Books It will help you weigh the pros & cons of staying or leaving. But I think you already left or was never "with your wife" to begin with. 

A shame, people should NEVER marry under compulsion- when another is in their hearts. It only spells disaster & heartache.


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## SecretSquirrell (Dec 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> If I was your wife, I would want the honest & raw truth, it is not fair or loving to her remaining in a marraige where your heart belongs to another.
> 
> Surely she can FEEL this in the relationship & would reject it herself ?? Get this book- it understands your dilemma. Amazon.com: When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships (9780312563448): Mira Kirshenbaum: Books It will help you weigh the pros & cons of staying or leaving. But I think you already left or was never "with your wife" to begin with.
> 
> A shame, people should NEVER marry under compulsion- when another is in their hearts. It only spells disaster & heartache.


Thank you. That was probably the best bit of advice I've received - not only did you gracefully point me in a direction that was easy to follow, you didn't throw dirt or make me feel worse. You are an example of your peers. 

To everyone else: No, I did not want to hear about "marshmallow land" or "Narnia." I didn't want to hear that I'm looking for sympathy, or someone to agree with me. I was looking for what move to make next, how to handle the situation, and move on.

I've already taken the worst possible steps, and before blundering farther into F*ed, I was looking for an experienced consultant. 

Instead, I got a bunch of random kids with pretend experience in relationship ideals.

And here's a good joke:

50% of all marriages end in divorce. That means its either you or your partner. 

Take care guys.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

SecretSquirrell said:


> And here's a good joke:
> 
> 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That means its either you or your partner.
> 
> Take care guys.


That is a joke. If it's one partner or the other in EVERY marriage that will end up divorced, then 100% of marriages would end in divorce. 

You claim you came here for help and didn't get it. You did get it; you just didn't appreciate what was said. I'm sorry, but when you come in here, admitting to cheating on your wife but referring to your life as a romantic comedy, you have to expect that people are going to be a little harsh. 

While dealing with your life with humor is not a bad thing, and is in fact quite healthy, talking about cheating on your spouse and saying your life is like a romantic comedy makes people think that you do not take the situation very seriously. We all know that real life is not like the movies, but you referred to your life as a movie plot twice, indicating that maybe you don't realize that difference. 

Additionally, I don't really find this to be even remotely close to a romantic comedy plot anyway...this would be more under a drama heading. There is nothing about this that your wife or your best friend's husband would find even remotely amusing. There is nothing about the destruction of their family that your best friend's two children will ever find to be funny. 

My real, honest advice to you: Stop trying to find humor in this situation. Accept that it is complicated, messy, and is only going to get more messy and complicated in the process of fixing it. Stop trying to blame your wife for rushing you into marriage or her husband for neglecting her needs, and acknowledge and accept that you and she are solely responsible for what has happened here. Decide what you want to do: be with your wife or your best friend. If she agrees, then you both take the steps to make your choice happen. Either go to counseling with your respective spouses, come clean, and stop being friends so the marriages have a chance at working, OR tell your spouses that you're in love with each other, you want divorces and be together. 

No matter what you do, you're going to have to come clean to your wife. Scared of divorce or not, your wife deserves the chance to decide for herself whether she wants to continue this marriage.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

SecretSquirrell said:


> Thank you. That was probably the best bit of advice I've received - not only did you gracefully point me in a direction that was easy to follow, you didn't throw dirt or make me feel worse. You are an example of your peers.
> 
> To everyone else: No, I did not want to hear about "marshmallow land" or "Narnia." I didn't want to hear that I'm looking for sympathy, or someone to agree with me. I was looking for what move to make next, how to handle the situation, and move on.
> 
> ...


Hello, kid, watch out!

A man who doesn't respect others wants respect from others, funny!!!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

And to be honest with you, I think you are a troll. 

A man who cheats will at least feel guilty, from your posts, I see no remorse. 

And you trash us for disagreeing with you. You trash this forum for not having many people who agree with you. 

Well, no matter you are a troll or not, I feel sorry for you. 

You might think you are great, but to me, you are lost. 

Hope you find peace in your life and there is no need for you to come to us for " Advice"!


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## kaykhanitta (Dec 22, 2010)

Hi,

Few smart words: never leave your wife for another one if you still love her, this is stupid, as you might end by leaving the next wife for another one as all these stupid guys do...

I am an Asian women, and as you might know, family is more important than anything for us, and the difference with white women is that we are not dreaming about guys who do not have affairs, because we know that they don't exist !

The positive point? We don't split our family as others, and this is something that many should learn from Asian...

So my advice is to make it clear with your best friend that this will be only fun, even long term fun, because it is stupid to divorce with your current husband and spouse to later break up again.


Have fun, life is short !

ps: is it what someone is speaking about, snake wine ? very famous in China...
http://www.asiansnakewine.com


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

:scratchhead:

There are a few bits of wisdom in there, and I agree with some of what you have said.... but this comment!



kaykhanitta said:


> I am an Asian women, and as you might know, family is more important than anything for us, and the difference with white women is that we are not dreaming about guys who do not have affairs, because we know that they don't exist !



I certainly hope you are joking. Because if you aren't then this statement is sad on so many levels.
You (as an Asian woman) do not believe that there are any faithful men out there?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I have no idea what to do. But your handle is killing me. Under dog? Mighty Mouse? Do please tell.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

How about you paint a picture of how this story ends if you choose to do nothing?

That really isn't an option you are considering, I hope.

Own your sh!t. Tell your wife and let things roll from there. I'm guessing you wouldn't be terribly happy or forgiving if she told you she was sleeping with another man.

Or, don't tell her and work on loving your wife instead of banging your friend.

Problem there is, you can build a storybook marriage, and in 5 or 10 years after you have kids - you're wife finds out anyway. The pain and betrayal will be no different than had you cheated the day before.


The available advice pool really can't extend much beyond those options.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You are cheating on your wife and have done so since you have been "only" dating her. She is cheating on her husband and has been doing so for an extended period of time.
You feel like you were forced in to marriage and you want to end it but just don't want to seem like the bad guy. She says she wants to be with you but doesn't want to be the bad guy in her marriage and end it. 
My guess is you both want to be caught so you can be tossed out by your respective spouses and therefore can continue through life saying "she/he dumped me" and therefore not feel guilty.
Well, I'll write your Hollywood ending. Your spouses do find out, they properly dump both of you and the two of you ride off in to the sunset. A sunset filled with lies and deceit. How you get them, is how you loose them. If you are willing to cheat on your WIFE then what would make your mistress think you wouldn't cheat on her? If she is willing to cheat on her HUSBAND then what makes you think she won't cheat on you?
You know what they say about marrying the affair partner? It leaves an opening.
Man up and divorce your wife. She deserves a heck of alot better than a man who walks through the door every day whistfully thinking about the "love" that got away. ALOT. And you and your mistress truly deserve each other. 
Come back here in 5 years when wifetress is cheating on you.
Sound like a Rom-Com to you?


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## kaykhanitta (Dec 22, 2010)

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> There are a few bits of wisdom in there, and I agree with some of what you have said.... but this comment!
> 
> ...




SEE ! You are just dreaming like all my white girls friends !!!

Open your eyes, stop dreaming, and your family will be forever...


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

I don't know what your wife has done to earn such contempt (this post reeks of it, and I think that is what has irked the majority of the posters, not their own sense of ideals), but judging from your response to people that answered, it seems that not pandering to you is enough to warrant being written off



SecretSquirrell said:


> Instead, I got a bunch of random kids with pretend experience in relationship ideals.
> 
> And here's a good joke:
> 
> ...


Nice. Still, in the spirit of being neighbourly, some advice. Leave the marriage, it's hardly a marriage anymore anyway. Be warned though, that in order to have a successful relationship you must hold some things sacred. Neither you nor your mistress seem to be able to do that (don't mean to diss your "best friend", but a woman who can f8ck a man one room away from his sleeping wife barely respects herself so may have serious trouble respecting anything). With these components, things are set to dissolve pretty quickly, but at least you'll have freed up some time for brushing up on your understanding of percentages...

I'm out.:sleeping:


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## kaykhanitta (Dec 22, 2010)

I can't believe that you are all using the word "cheating", but who told you that having an affair when you already have a wife is cheating ? God ? So pity....

And stop saying this guy to tell the whole story to his wife, are you all stupid ? What is the positive point of doing this ? Maybe she would feel less "cheated" than if she knew it 5 years later ? But it's the same, so better expect that she will never know it !!!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

kaykhanitta said:


> I can't believe that you are all using the word "cheating", but who told you that having an affair when you already have a wife is cheating ? God ? So pity....
> 
> And stop saying this guy to tell the whole story to his wife, are you all stupid ? What is the positive point of doing this ? Maybe she would feel less "cheated" than if she knew it 5 years later ? But it's the same, so better expect that she will never know it !!!


Uh...YEAH...color me "stupid", but unless you're in an open marriage, having a sexual relationship while you're married is CHEATING. I don't need God to tell me that. Common sense does. Something some posters seem to be lacking. You can't understand why he needs to come clean to his wife...and you call the posters here stupid? Too bad some people don't come with warning labels.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Ok, so here's my advice. Leave the marriage, wait a decent amount of time and then be with your friend. Sorry folks, I know I'm gonna sound terrible but the less pain for the current wife the better. If she can move on from the marriage without the pain and humiliation of knowing she was cheated on then all the better. Especially the part about him having sex in the living room while she was sleeping. Divorce is hard enough without the additional pain of finding out you were cheated on. I wouldn't want to know, personally, although some of you may disagree.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Best friends... that's f--king tough mate. And yeah, it's always good to crack up about the whole situation - humor keeps one's sanity, I know.

Ne ways, I'm lucky in this regard as I married my "best friend" (who has unfortunately changed and become something else - thanks to me being an ass, but that's another story). I wouldn't have led on another women this far however, but that's just me.

I would suggest you tell your wife. It'll shatter her now, but it'll shatter her more if you leave things be. This reminds me of my ex, and I always told her "we are just friends!" But I've never cheated on her physically.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

kaykhanitta said:


> I can't believe that you are all using the word "cheating", but who told you that having an affair when you already have a wife is cheating ? God ? So pity....
> 
> And stop saying this guy to tell the whole story to his wife, are you all stupid ? What is the positive point of doing this ? Maybe she would feel less "cheated" than if she knew it 5 years later ? But it's the same, so better expect that she will never know it !!!


The dictionary is what tells us all that an affair while married is cheating: 

S:  affair, affaire, intimacy, liaison, involvement, amour (a usually secretive or illicit sexual relationship) 
(http://http://wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=affair)

She will not feel any less cheated finding out 5 years, or 10 years, or a lifeetime later. It will still hurt her. And how exactly do you figure anyone should expect she will never know? She's not stupid. She'll find out, figure it out, or someone will tell her.


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## NoBodyAskedMeBut (Jul 25, 2010)

Hello SS:

Marriage like religion and politics is not a "one size fits all". Also Marriage like politics and religion is cultural, and in certain parts of our culture - a marriage is between one woman and one man AND like politics and religion - no one has a single "right" answer for any particular problem. You will get no judgement from me. I have been married for more than 33 years and I have had my share of trials. I will never tell you to leave your wife because this creates an additional problem on top of the one that you have already created. I will say this tho', take a break from your outside relationship until you are able to make some definite decisions. In my opinion, it appears as if you are attempting to create a marriage within a marriage, and I do not beleive that this will work for either of you because this is not what we were taught to believe. I would like to know whether you are experiencing guilt, shame or remorse tho'. It is important that you take an introspective look at how this situation makes you feel. In addition, take a look at how you beleive this would affect your wife's self esteem, her belief that you are her safe place, and take a look at how different you will appear to her once this situation is uncovered. Be very careful with her heart because - as the old saying goes "you can't unring a bell', think about this long and hard. This is important because our feelings help detemine our actions. I don't believe that you are taking this situation lightly; in my opinion, it's just the opposite, laughter and scarcasm is part of your coping mechanism.
I hope this helps you a little.


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## kaykhanitta (Dec 22, 2010)

Women who know that they are cheated know it because they wanted...

Don't be nosy on you guy life and everything will be perfect !

Who has never been feeling like having sex with someone else but his/hers husband or wife ?

But it's ok, keep on divorcing girls... it's good for my business actually !


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## kaykhanitta (Dec 22, 2010)

Just wondering what happened next ?


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