# Newlyweds - no sex life



## MardyPardy (Nov 4, 2016)

Hi everyone,

Looking for some advice regarding my 5 and a half year relationship, married for 9 months. This post will get long but I just don't know what to do or where I can go for support so here goes.

So throughout my teenage years and up until the age of 23 I was very socially awkward with women, I could make strong friendships with them but never intimate relationships. I found myself at times to be incredibly lonely, I was jealous of everyone in a relationship or of anyone having sex. I was at university so there were huge pressures anyway to having sex and all that. I wanted nothing more than a girl to call my own.

I developed a very unhealthy relationship with porn and established a fetish for transexuals. On 3 different occasions I went on gumtree/craigslist to try and have a sexual experience with transsexual, such was my desparation and loneliness. 2 of the meetings were weird and awkward and made me feel uncomfortable. However one was awesome, she was in every way a woman and I just received oral sex and it was great, no-strings fun.

Fast forward and after my studies finshed I decided to go travelling. While in Australia I took a job on a huge farm-like complex. It was there that I met my to-be wife. My porn dependency and everything else completely fell away. We did a bit of travelling together for a few months, then came back to the UK and moved in and everything was great. The sex life was awesome and we were both having a great time. We decided to go travelling again , this time doing a working year in Canada. Unfortuantely this didn't go as planned, we basically spent a year moving about, bad jobs, bad houses, bad experiences. We grew stronger as a relationship due to going through the hardships together however the intimacy in our relationship massively suffered.

We got back to the UK and we've been back for about 3-4 years now. I always thought things would get back on track in terms of intimacy but they never really did. Sex became quick and 'necessary', something we'd do every couple of weeks. However as a relationship we were stronger than ever, going strength to strength, we got engaged and I thought this would prove our commitment to each other and we could work through any physical issues. This is something* we talked about and she was keen, we both agreed that the sex was not the sex either of us wanted and we would work on it.

Unforunately she succumbed to depression and anxiety and this obviously didn't help matters but her wellbeing obviously took priority and I was as supportive as a partner I could be. I picked up the slack financially, was always there for her and genrally did everything I could to help her out. I was obviously still frustrated with the physical side of things but it wasn't so much of a priority anymore. We thought after we got married we'd be able to tackle things a bit as planning a wedding can become a bit of a life obstacle.

Now during our engagement we had numerous discussions about sex life and the future of it. We talked about experimenting, she said she'd be up for trying new things like anal play (both ways) and tieing up, basic kink stuff. She said she never felt comfortable doing this before as she didn't want to just fulfill some guys fantasy just to have him leave. If she was married though she'd feel far more comfortable exploring.

So we get married. We take a 2 week honeymoon to Thailand. It was an awesome holiday, on the beaches, drinking out of coconuts, that sort of thing. We only had sex twice and it wasn't the best. She actually fell apart afterwards saying she was really sorry, she can't cope with her depression, she's basically 'dead downstairs' she feels nothing. Even if Zeus himself wooed her she said she still probably wouldn't feel anything. She really missed our physical connection, she was sorry she couldn't perform or give me the sex life I wanted, etc. I said it was fine, we have our lives ahead of us, we can work on it, we should probably look at helping her cope with her depression, get her a stable income as that was a major worry and contributing factor.

So half of me at this point wants to be the supportive husband, the unconditionally loving husband who wants nothing more than his wife to be happy, even at the expense of my own personal savings and sex life and whatever, The other half of me is stating to think that after 3 years of this nothing is getting better. If you can't have good sex on the honeymoon, when can you? I paid for the honeymoon myself with my own money. I'm starting to get very resentful. But I can't tell her this because that would just pile on a load of guilt she doesn't need. So I'm kind of torn.

My unhealthy relationship with porn starts up again shortly after the wedding (after 3 years without it). I start to feel a little depressed myself, similar to the ones I feltback in university, early-20s days. She manages to get a job she likes and her income is a little more stable (although I am still the main bread winner) and things are picking up, she seems to have turned a corner. Sex is non-existant at this point, which after a few months into a marriage just seems really sad. We actually agreed to just having no sex, so neither of us felt any pressure to please the other. Let's sort out our other problems, bigger fish to fry, etc. I also feel it's necessary to stress here that we're still incredibly loving to each other, supportive, etc. There's just no physical relationship. There's love and affection in abundance, but no intimacy.

So recently, she's smiling, back into daily routine, she looks happy, she's stopped going to her depression group meetings, she's unsubscribed from her depression blogs and feeds, things like that. I'm super happy about all this and very proud of her overcoming such a huge life obstacle. Finally we can work on US, on being happy, on living the life we've been hoping for and promising each other for the past few years.

I decided to be honest with her about my porn use and explain that I'll come off it, won't look at it. She feels a little betrayed that I looked at it, but also understood I was only human. At this point I thought intimacy would natually flow back into the relationship, even at a really slow pace, I want it to be something we can talk about, something we can acknowledge and discuss openly. Not this looming issue we've just sort of ignored, half-mentioned since the wedding.

Whereas she's always said the physical part of a relationship is really important to her, her tune has changed. I said I wanted to talk about our intimacy, or lack of it because as stated above I want both of us to be comfortable talking about it, She basically said that she doesn't feel like she needs sex the same way that she used to. She's managed to become happy without it and that of course she wants to be physically intimate with me but she'd be happy with sex once a month if only to please me.

At this point I feel incredibly betrayed. I explain that it's a very important part of a relationship for me, otherwise we're just kind of like 2 very close room mates. I said I was hoping we could come back to it, get more exploratory and experimental to spice things up. We could even just go back to basics, let's jsut kiss each other while naked and reignite the spark. She just sort of said "ok sure, we'll try things". Since these series of talks only once have we actually tried to take any action. We kissed naked for a good 15 minutes , she wanted me to touch her, so I tried but she kept giving me instructions - "not there, not like that, only use this finger, too hard, too soft, too fast, too slow". I got frustrated and said that it was becoming really difficult for me. She said she wasn't turned on anyway, so let's stop. It hadn't gone well.

So the past couple of months I've just been in a slump. I feel lonely despite the fact I come home to a hug and a smile every night. I feel sad that I feel like I've lost an integral part of what was an awesome relationship. I've tried to support her and make her happy the best I can for years so we could reach a point of trying to get back that intimacy. And now I'm being met with disinterest. Like I'm condemned to a life of rare sex. This might not be uncommon, 10, 20+ years into a marriage but we're 9 months in.

I've tried a number of times to communicate about how unhappy I am with this. This is not satisfactory, this is not what I married into. She said that I sounded very possessive like she 'owes' me sex or I feel like I'm entitled. Why can't I be happy with once a month dutiful, lacklustre sex? And we've argued about this more in the past few months more than we've ever argued about anything in the past. So this isn't a communication issue. Even before marriage we both talked and agreed about important physical intimacy was important to our relationship. Post-marriage and apparently it's not important to her. And now the general feeling is that I'm trying to make her feel guilty. She's not even willing to try anything to get it back on track.

I hold out hope that it'll come around naturally, that she will turn around, say she didn't know what came over her and she's sorry and she wants to try and get that passion back. But I just feel like I'm only hurting myself in the long run by hoping for something. I look after my body and health, she tells me she still finds me very attractive and I smile and say she's beautiful, but it's just words, she never acts on that attraction which is why I find it hard to believe.

Now here's where things get weird. you'll recall at the beginning of this epic novel that I had a few expericanes with transsexuals. Now this is really out the blue, it's strange, I'm freaked out but also slightly intrigued. The one I had an awesome experience with messages me, saying it's been years (6-7 years actually), she's in my area, would I like to see her, quick, discreet, she'll show me a good time, etc. She doesn't know my name, marital status or anything about me for that matter. She just still has my number from all those years ago. I also know nothing of her, deleted her number right after our encounter, so I'm a little shocked. 

Now if I had received this at any point throughout my relationship I woul have ingored it or told her to take a hike. But here I am, very sexually frustrated, potetntially looking at an unhappy marriage for a very long time. It's worth noting again that we still love each other very much, very affectionate, positive attitudes, we just don't have sex. Is this a sign, is this some sort of deus ex machina stuff?

Infidelity is wrong, it's never even entered my mindset or thoughts throughout this whole thing, until now. Is this why people cheat, have affiars, etc.? I'm unhappy, I'm torn, I'm staring a 'good time' in the face with someone anonymous, it carries no baggage except for the baggage I attach to it. I honestly don't feel guilty right now having just entertained some conversation with her.

One side of me is thinking I should do it, I deserve a good time, I haven't had one in years and it's not going to happen with my wife anytime soon. The other side of me is saying do I really want to jeopardise 5 and a half years of hard work for 30 mins of fun, betray the person I love and who loves me cos god knows I'd feel sick to my sotmach if I found out she'd cheated.

I'm not asking for anyone here to justify me cheating, I know it's wrong, disgusting, deceitful and a number of other things. And god knows that if I went through with it the guilt would knock me down like a freight train. But for someone so frustrated it's so tempting. More often than not the answer to a marriage problem is communication and honesty. I've communicated and been honest about my issues and I'm worse off than before.

Looking for any advice from anyone, I'm so torn and distraught with the whole situation. Also please don't judge me, I know I'm in a dark place but I can't see the light and I want to be in a position to tell this mystery fantasy person to go away but temptation is strong and the whole thing is horrible.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OMG you sound SO much like my husband. You have to read my story

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/32264-hello.html#post434954

You are at the point he was at when he started cheating. PLEASE don't do it.

As for your wife - she needs to know what's going on. If my husband had come to me and told me what he was considering doing, it would have been a huge wake up call to me. I wasn't HAPPY only having sex every week or two because I do like sex more than your wife apparently. But you have to start with what you have.

And your wife needs to know that this IS a dealbreaker for you. You might not be thinking of divorce, but you ARE seriously considering cheating, which is a dealbreaker too.

I don't know how to reignite the spark in a woman who has decided she can do without sex. I don't know why it happens - if I did I'd be rich. But if you want to salvage anything here, DO NOT CHEAT.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Please don't be unfaithful, if you feel temptations, really you should separate. 

Would your wife be interested in sex therapy and treatment for depression? 
Is she taking any medications? 

If she's unwilling to work on these issues then you should definitely opt for a divorce because she won't change and it will go on to be sexless. 

I've been depressed etc before, it's hard because you're in a whirlpool of thoughts and I really was oblivious to his needs. Sometimes you want to have sex but your depression saps all sexual energy, you want to, but feel completely indifferent and numb, sex drive just disappeared. And that can make you even more depressed! 
Recovery can take months but she has to want to get better for herself. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Don't do it, as the others here have said, it will only further complicate a bad situation.....you have to be upfront with her, and tell her that physical intimacy is important to you, and if she is not interested, or has no desire to find out medically what can be done, than you need to either move on or you need for her to all you to have an open relationship....what she is doing is emotional blackmail and that is not right.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

MardyPardy said:


> On 3 different occasions I went on gumtree/craigslist to try and* have a sexual experience with transsexual,* . . . . one was awesome,* she was in every way a woman* and I just received oral sex and it was great, no-strings fun.



No, "she" wasn't a woman at all.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Trust me, it's not going to get any better. This is EXACTLY how my marriage started. If you don't want to be like me...and trust me you don't, the absolute BEST thing that you can do is dump her as soon as possible, before she gets pregnant. Women like your wife will use any kind of excuse they can think of to not have sex with you but expect you to earn a living suitable to the lifestyle she wants. She will make your life HELL. You need to get rid of her and when you do make sure your friends and family know why so you don't get blamed. 

You have no idea how much I would like to go back into the past right after our marriage an divorce her or annul the marriage. I would actually be a happy person right now.


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## MardyPardy (Nov 4, 2016)

Thanks for all the responses. In my heart of hearts I know when it actually comes down to it, I'd massively chicken out anyway. I wouldn't have the balls to do it. I also know that if I followed through with it and enjoyed it, it'd begin a horrible fantasy land in my head where all sex is amazing and wife is a terrible person and I'd just want to do it more with other people, which is just as destructive as her behaviour.

I know I'm letting my **** do all the thinking but I just don't know how else to communicate without making ultimatums or other such 'threats', it really sucks.

Just in response to some of the above comments. 1. She's off her depression meds, has been for over a year, she stopped taking them even when she was depressed (she hated them) and she now considers herself cured and I can see the difference in her. 2. I'm not sure about emotional blackmail but thinking back, I can't remember the last time I initiated sex, it's always been in her court. I got rejected so many times that I just stopped bothering. So you could say she's holding all the cards and could emotionally blackmail me. 3. Yes I'm very aware it wasn't a woman, thanks for clearing that up.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

MardyPardy said:


> Thanks for all the responses. In my heart of hearts I know when it actually comes down to it, I'd massively chicken out anyway.


My husband thought the same thing. Did you read my story?? You're going to be in the same boat as him in another year if you don't own up to your problems and get help. I suggest you find a 12 step group for sex addicts and attend, or a therapist who specializes in sex addiction. I know you think that's a massive over reaction - that NO WAY are you a sex addict - but your story has all the signs of someone who has hidden their nasty little secrets over the years, managed to stop indulging for a while, only to fall back in whenever something doesn't go right in their life. You use sexual acting out as a coping mechanism. It's only a matter of time before you do something that you can't take back.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think you have a worse problem if you don't divorce your wife. Your sex addiction problem will seem like cake. Go ahead an ignore what I told you but you're headed for a really bad life if you don't listen.


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## MardyPardy (Nov 4, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> My husband thought the same thing. Did you read my story?? You're going to be in the same boat as him in another year if you don't own up to your problems and get help. I suggest you find a 12 step group for sex addicts and attend, or a therapist who specializes in sex addiction. I know you think that's a massive over reaction - that NO WAY are you a sex addict - but your story has all the signs of someone who has hidden their nasty little secrets over the years, managed to stop indulging for a while, only to fall back in whenever something doesn't go right in their life. You use sexual acting out as a coping mechanism. It's only a matter of time before you do something that you can't take back.


I'm sorry but this is nonsense. How am I a sex addict? I've stood by her in her worst years with no expectation or pressure to have sex with her. It hasn't got any better and I'm reaching the end of my tether. If I was sex addict I'd be on porn, masturbating, having affairs or pressuring her to have sex regardless of whether she was depressed or whatever else.

I agree, I have issues, but I am not a sex addict. I can't remember the last time I had sex or masturbated, probably a month or so ago. That is not addiction. And I did read your story, it was very compelling, but at the same time I just couldn't relate to your husband.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I know it's hard to hear. And I expected your denials. But your story is SO much like my husband that it's scary. He wanted sexual relationships in college but didn't have them. He had a huge dependence on porn, but when he met me it all stopped. For a while. When things in our marriage didn't go the way he envisioned he turned again to his crutch.

Sex addiction has nothing to do with frequency, porn, masturbating, having affairs or pressuring her to have sex regardless of whether she was depressed or whatever else. My husband spent years without acting out at all. And even when he did finally admit he had a problem, he STILL denied it was SEX addiction - he had to call it CYBERsex addiction. In his mind there was a difference. It was only when he found himself in situations of stress that he turned to porn/phone sex/chats/hookers. And only after he confessed to me what he'd done with the hooker that he FINALLY admitted he needed help.

By the way, by actually meeting up with people from ads, you actually went farther than he did when he was younger.

I know you're going to discount all this and label me as a madwoman, but I just hope it plants something in your mind so that you start to think about the possibility and maybe at some point you'll do a bit of reading or whatever and discover something about yourself you didn't know before.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

MardyPardy said:


> > 1. She's off her depression meds, has been for over a year, she stopped taking them even when she was depressed (she hated them) and she now considers herself cured and I can see the difference in her.
> 
> 
> Is she doing anything like counselling or something else to keep better?
> ...


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## 4Liadan (Nov 4, 2016)

The first thing I want to say after reading your story is that in every relationships, we always start by doing concessions, we never know all about our partner...I mean maybe she had a difficult past with it long time ago but she didn't feel to talk about. It's only my personal judgement and I can't pretend I know better than you. I just want to share a similar story from another forum. A girl was like you worried about her relationship with her boyfriend because he wasn't really interested in sexual relationships, he said that he was fine just being together with her. But the fact was that she desired him and he couldn't respond to it . She started to feel bad because of this situation, and thought maybe she was the source of the problem, it's not current for a girl asking to have sex because we are not supposed to have this kind of "needs"... When she found the courage to ask him, he said that he will try for her , because she wanted it, but even if he had some sexual experience before he said that he didn't need this sort of connection with a girl. The girl still wondering about how can fix this problem, because she loves him, she don't want somebody else. I don't know if I was being helpful to your situation, but I know that sometimes it's good to heard that other people have to struggle with the same issues...


Envoyé de mon iPhone en utilisant Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MardyPardy said:


> ust kind of like 2 very close room mates. I said I was hoping we could come back to it, get more exploratory and experimental to spice things up. We could even just go back to basics, let's jsut kiss each other while naked and reignite the spark. She just sort of said "ok sure, we'll try things". Since these series of talks only once have we actually tried to take any action. *We kissed naked for a good 15 minutes , she wanted me to touch her, so I tried but she kept giving me instructions - "not there, not like that, only use this finger, too hard, too soft, too fast, too slow".* *I got frustrated* and said that it was becoming really difficult for me. She said she wasn't turned on anyway, so let's stop. It hadn't gone well.


This sounds like she was sincerely trying while at the same time struggling to teach you what type of touches that she feels are very erotic to her. If I were you, I would apologize profusely, beg her to try again, and promise to be patient with her. 

In my opinion most women probably struggle to reach orgasm because they might feel the stimulation they need has become unnatural. 

Talk to her about trying a Hitachi wand. If you have ever tried to start a fire in a survival situation:

Hands = rubbing two sticks together (takes practice)
Hitachi = napalm (it works almost too good!) 

Be very mindful that using something like a Hitachi can likely make your wife orgasm even if she does NOT want to at the moment. For a woman this can be rather unpleasant if not traumatic. So do make sure she is willing to try and that you stop when she asks you to. Way better if you make her curious and always wait until she asks you to try it!

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MardyPardy said:


> ...I am not a sex addict. *I can't remember the last time I* had sex or *masturbated*, probably a month or so ago.


You are definitely NOT a sex addict!!!!!

But *you should definitely get those numbers up* and release your sexual tension more often on your own. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nk3JenrsXpU


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

So your wife was trying to guide you in how to make it pleasurable for her... And you gave up because it was too difficult? She tried to save face, and now your thinking of going off and having sex with another person? 

Not the best husband moment. Try again with your wife, but *listen* to her. When you figure out how to make her happy sexually, then she will stop giving instructions. Then you will both be able to enjoy it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MardyPardy said:


> I'm sorry but this is nonsense. How am I a sex addict? I've stood by her in her worst years with no expectation or pressure to have sex with her. It hasn't got any better and I'm reaching the end of my tether. If I was sex addict I'd be on porn, masturbating, having affairs or pressuring her to have sex regardless of whether she was depressed or whatever else.
> 
> I agree, I have issues, but I am not a sex addict. I can't remember the last time I had sex or masturbated, probably a month or so ago. That is not addiction. And I did read your story, it was very compelling, but at the same time I just couldn't relate to your husband.


LOL. I have to agree. Every single time anyone says they indulge in porn or they veer off the straight and narrow and into fetish territory, they're instantly a 'sex addict.' Where does this nonsense come from?

OP, I'd definitely consider you a deviant, I'm not going to lie. And I say deviant because of your penchant for transsexuals instead of natural women. But 'sex addict' was about the furthest thing from my mind.

It's also now the 'get out of jail free' card for all male cheaters. All they have to do is claim to be a 'sex addict' when they're caught cheating, and any quack therapist will pick that up and run with it, feeding the delusion - even though they're clearly NOT qualified to make that diagnosis unless they're a CSAT. But that doesn't stop them anymore. 

OP, I get the impression your wife just isn't into intimacy with *you*. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?

_Really_?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I suggest you and your wife simply attend sex therapy together. She may have extremely low desire for sex, or she may have forgotten how to wake up her clit.

Challenge her to working on the sex life for 6 months. During those 6 months she will be instructed on how to wake up her sexual response and if she earnestly desires to compromise and save this marriage you should see not only her effort at meeting your needs but you will know the improved intimacy is real. If you see minimal improvement, don't see effort, doubt the improvement is real, then leave.

You can do nothing to affect her sexuality without her willingness to have it be affected.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This is who she is. No such thing as long term change. It just took a few years to show her true self.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

chatabox said:


> So your wife was trying to guide you in how to make it pleasurable for her... And you gave up because it was too difficult? She tried to save face, and now your thinking of going off and having sex with another person?
> 
> Not the best husband moment. Try again with your wife, but *listen* to her. When you figure out how to make her happy sexually, then she will stop giving instructions. Then you will both be able to enjoy it.


OP, this is important. Making her comfortable with describing what she wants is critical. There is a good chance your frustration just devastated her. 

Dont stop trying, you can get her there. No matter what she says...she likes sex...it just is. You just need to help her past the issues that are keeping her from letting go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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