# Trying to decide how serious I am



## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

The idea of separation, at least when it comes to my own marriage, is very new to me. While a good deal of the issues I am dealing with are not unique, some are unique simply because they have to do with the personality of my wife and my own personality. What I am trying to figure out is why separation, at least a temporary separation, seems more and more like something I need to do. There is a lot to consider. I want to gauge if I truly am serious about this or not.

My stats -- age 50, married 20 years, professional white male who lives in the Chicago suburbs. I once was a Christian church youth pastor, before I met my wife. She is the youngest daughter of Conservative Baptist missionaries to Portugal and Holland, with six older sisters and no brothers. I'm outgoing, athletic, creative. Her interests focus around her sisters and her children. She is a SAHM, has been since our now 15 year old daughter was one year old. We also have a 12 year old son.

Issues --
1. Celibate marriage for an amount of time I can't determine. It's been a long time and fell off sharply the year our son was born. My guess is that it's been around 6 years since we have had sex. She has refused to go to bed even close to the same time as I do, often sleeps on the couch downstairs.
2. Physical affection is non-existent.
3. My desire for her no longer exists. I'm not sure I would have sex with her if she was interested. When I approach her about our physical relationship, she simply says "it takes two" and "I held your hand six months ago". I don't argue about it.
4. A few years ago, she broached the subject of divorce and told me she wanted us to go to counseling, claiming I was having an affair and citing my shortcomings. I went to counseling with her. I am being honest in saying that after a while, the counselor started to focus on her personal issues. She didn't like that. Counseling ended soon after. I have vowed I will not return to counseling. I am done with that.
5. There are respect issues, issues we have discussed and she has admitted. That discussion also had her admitting she doesn't love me, something she tried to backpedal on later. She refuses to acknowledge most of my input when it comes to our children, especially our 12 year old son.

The list could go on. I am struggling with trying to keep my thoughts positive. I know that negativity breeds more negativity.

I don't want to have an affair. I just feel the need to retreat. My emotional glass keeps getting full and it seems like it is taking less and less time to fill.

I have given up or at least am close to it. I do not want to spend the rest of my life with this woman. There is nothing that makes me want to. Separation right now seems like a solution that will give me the chance to see what divorce may be like. I also wonder if separation will allow me to respect MYSELF again. Maybe it will do the opposite?

My parents both said they will support whatever decision I make. Since they are serious Christian people, their support says a lot. They do not like my wife. I'm not a momma's boy, but I do put stock in what both parents think. Dad has encouraged me to be patient and simply live my own life, do my own thing, if my marriage is not going to satisfy. Things may or may not get better, he says. But he also says that from what he has observed, it likely won't get better.

That's it for now. I can't afford even a separation at the moment, but I am weighing my options, trying to figure out a way to make that possible.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Your wife needs therapy apparently. She has some kind of toxic shame around sex, or she has a medical condition (hormones?) resulting in zero libido.

The upshot is you are living a sexless and affectionless life. It is a form of emotional abuse. Some individual counseling might be helpful to you regarding that.

Separation vs divorce? I think you know what you want but aren't ready yet to pull the plug on your marriage. A separation might be beneficial in that regard, as you say to see what life is like outside of your marriage.

I think you should talk to a lawyer to be sure you don't make any big legal mistakes. If/when it goes to divorce you don't want to have shot yourself in the foot via doing something stupid with the separation.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Hadn't thought about consulting a lawyer. I have thought about bank and credit accounts.

It does feel like abuse. You are also right that I know what I want, but I wonder if I should wait. I love my kids and the thought of not seeing them, maybe losing them emotionally, is weighing on me. I also have no money for a lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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