# URGENT -Please lend your opinion



## Marie1234 (Aug 26, 2014)

First-I am sorry that I had to delete my original. I double posted by mistake and then accidentally deleted both. No disrespect meant to anyone who commented.

I'll try to get to the point quickly. (we have no children).

I got married when I was 20 to my high school sweetheart. We had no wedding, we just went to the courthouse. He was everything in my eyes. I was so in love with him. The first two years were good. Not great, but not terrible. He told me he wanted to move to a different state to go to school and of course, I supported him and went. We planned on going back to our hometown when he graduated, but we never did. He ended up loving it where we were. 

He started smoking ciggarettes and marijuana behind my back and lying to me about it when I would question the smell. I wasn't stupid though. One day I found his ciggarretts in his truck and confronted him. He cried and said he was sorry and he was just doing it to get extra breaks with the guys at work. 

After that, I lost my trust. Yes, it is small but, this man I thought could do no wrong, lied to me. 

We then moved to a different city when he graduated bc he had a job offer. That was 4 years after we married, and I was 24. I guess real life hit him, and he started getting in bad moods all the time, spoke to me awful, didn't communicate, would tell me to go into the other room if I was going to cry... just awful. I stuck through it and asked him to go to counseling with me. Which he did. We both did. but, it didn't work. 

Five more years went by, and now I am 29 and he is 30. I have been unhappy for all of those years and promised myself if he didn't start treating me better I'd leave. He attempted to rape me twice when he was drunk. He put his hand over my mouth and held my hands together. He only stopped because I was screaming and we live in an apt. The other time was on new years eve, he took me to a swingers club and claimed he didn't know that's what it was. I was appauled because people were naked everywhere having sex. I told him I wanted to leave and he said "we aren't leaving. We spent 200.00 to get in. Why don't you just have some fun and give me a blowjob?". He was drunk. He always acts this way when he is drunk. Then we left and got home and he tried to rape me in the car. Put me in the back seat and ripped my clothes but stopped when I started screaming. The next morning on both occassions, he looked sad for what he did and appologized to me. I forgave him. 

Since then we got a dog that he wanted. But he is not nice to the dog, speaks mean to her. He doesn't hurt her, but he talks to her badly. He hates her because she is a "responsibility" that he has realized he doesn't want. So I pretty much take care of the dog. 

He is a good man though inside. I just think bills have stressed him and put him in an emotional downward spiral. He doesn't fulfill me and he makes me hate my life. But, I still love him. He won't do anything with me that he doesn't want to do, but I always am sacraficing for him... because seeing him happy, makes me happy. He hates most people and has a hard time making friends because so many people annoy him. 

When I am upset and try to have a calm, adult conversation about our realitionship, he doesn't want me to. He tells me to leave him, and to go cry somewhere else. It hurts so much. He tells me I annoy him and he doesn't want to hear my whiney voice. But the catch is-he only acts like this when he isn't getting what he wants. When he is getting what he wants, he is pleasant and makes me smile.

Finally about a year ago, I started working on myself. Going to the gym, and taking up hobbies. THis made me see him less and less. And, I started getting used to never being with him and I started wondering what the world holds for me. However, I keep putting off talking to my husband because I am so afraid to hurt him. I know it will make his life even harder financially if I leave. I get sad thinking about not having him around, and not sleeping next to him. I keep thinking of all of our memories and all the good moments, his smile, and laugh... his goofiness he had at times. It's crushing me. I just keep crying thinking about going through with it. I know my life would be happier, and I want to have a family and enjoy all I can while I am here. I know it won't happen with him. Then why can't I just do it. I am so lost.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And now you've double posted again...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I left a long reply on your other thread. I don't have time to retype it, but I am sorry for what you are going through. Hopefully you had a chance to read it before it was deleted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marie1234 (Aug 26, 2014)

Happy As A Calm-I did and thank you so much for your words


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Marie1234 said:


> PB-This is a very difficult time for me and I would appreciate it if you didn't post condescending things on my post. I clearly stated an apology at the top of my post and explained why I posted again. I have already deleted the others before i posted here.


It wasn't intended as condescending, it was a statement of fact. To let you know that you had multiple threads going. Sorry you took it that way. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Marie1234 said:


> ...I want to have a family and enjoy all I can while I am here. I know it won't happen with him.


I may have missed it but does he not want a family?


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## Marie1234 (Aug 26, 2014)

He says he has no interest in a family...


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Marie1234 said:


> He says he has no interest in a family...


That's not shocking given your other descriptions of him. Did one of you change your minds on this at some point? Is there any possibility of changing his mind on this?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

ladymisato said:


> That's not shocking given your other descriptions of him. Did one of you change your minds on this at some point? Is there any possibility of changing his mind on this?


Why would she want to have a family with him? He wanted the dog, and look how that turned out. 

OP, no matter how much you think you love him, his actions are not that of someone who loves you. He is NOT a good man, regardless of good behavior at times. Even if you accept his excuse of being drunk during his attempted rapes of you, the fact that he continues to drink and likely hasn't done anything to be accountable for his actions are examples of a horrible man. 

Leave him, let him hit rock bottom and either fix himself or dwell in the depths. Either way, he won't be your problem. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marie1234 (Aug 26, 2014)

Thank you. I have days where I just wish he would meet a woman that can make him happy. But he needs to make himself happy first. I realize that is his issue. He is a miserable person. 

He has never been against having kids until we got the dog. Then he realized the work it takes just for an animal and now is completely against kids.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Marie1234 said:


> Thank you. I have days where I just wish he would meet a woman that can make him happy. But he needs to make himself happy first. I realize that is his issue. He is a miserable person.
> 
> He has never been against having kids until we got the dog. Then he realized the work it takes just for an animal and now is completely against kids.


PBear has a valid point but if he is miserable then he is open to change. (If he were happy being irresponsible that would be much harder.)

Is he lazy in general? What does motivate him? What are his priorities?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Marie1234 said:


> Thank you. I have days where I just wish he would meet a woman that can make him happy. But he needs to make himself happy first. I realize that is his issue. He is a miserable person.
> 
> He has never been against having kids until we got the dog. Then he realized the work it takes just for an animal and now is completely against kids.


The last paragraph is the only positive thing I've read in any of your posts. He at least has the insight to figure out he's not equipped to be a dog owner or parent. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marie1234 (Aug 26, 2014)

PBear said:


> The last paragraph is the only positive thing I've read in any of your posts. He at least has the insight to figure out he's not equipped to be a dog owner or parent.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is a great point
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I'm pro marriage, but after reading your post I just gotta ask, how much more do you have to take before pulling the plug on this relationship? You know what to do. Now go do it and get on with your life. Good luck.


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## Marie1234 (Aug 26, 2014)

Well, I didn't go through with it last night because he was very sick with a stomach bug. I just couldn't add to that. But, tonight I will be having a discussion. I keep holding on to the small and short minutes that he is nice and sweet. Like this morning, hugging and kissing me before he goes to work. I hold onto that and think "maybe one day he will stop acting all those other ways"... but I have been telling myself that for years.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

:rofl: "He is a good man though inside” :rofl:

OK... seriously? The seflish, nasty man who's got no real interest in your happiness, 'tried to rape you' -- twice -- is so immature and mean-spirited that he tells you to go cry elsewhere when you're hurting, and can't even be nice to a dog he wanted? 

The answer to your dilemma writes itself. And really, that's not being condescending, it's trying to wake you up to see your own situation from the outside as we can here.

You're worried about upsetting him? Sorry but he's earned it. That doesn't suggest you need to be mean and hostile, but I cannot for the life of me fathom why someone would stay in any relationship like what you've described, sorry. Find someone who has more than a hint of appreciation for you as a person.


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