# Update to: just need some advice



## marriedman_10 (Dec 20, 2011)

My wife and i sat down and had a great talk and it seemed that we had cleared up some of the misconceptions i had about our original talk. Fast-forward from the conversation last monday to a new one we had on saturday night. we came to the conclussion that our sex life was the issue. Everything else in our marriage seemed to be working great. She just feels that we need to have something outside of our marriage sexually to help with her unfullfillment in the bedroom. we thought that maybe swinging might work, but realized that it would me more in depth then maybe is needed. So we decided that having an open marriage might be what we need. Its a situation of where we just go and have sex for only the physical aspect of it and nothing else. To spice it up, a break in our boring sex life. A new persons touch. The way we set it up is that who ever goes out has permission to be with someone else if it all lines up right. We said no single people as in just picking up a random single at the bar, but that we would look for other married people that might be out. As in if a married guy starts a conversation with her and things progress to where she can tell he is trying to pick her up and she feels like it, she can go and enjoy and likewise with me. we have rules in place that if one of us feels uncomfortable then its over and we try something else, no outside communication with the person after it happens, our marriage and family comes first no matter what. there are a few more rules, but no need to get into the little ones. I think for her its just having the permission to be able to if the right situation comes along. Same with me. I'm not sure how this is going to work, or if we will even actaully do it. She has just been having a midlife crisis at 28(see original post) she is also taking a month off from going out with her friends and this may end up just being what was really needed. We also said that we will work on our sex life but there is only so much we can do since we know each others moves and touches. 

So my question is has anyone attempted something like this or know of someone that has and what happened with it?

Thank You.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You have kid involved and going the open marriage route is basically giving each other permission to cheat.

IF she has the need to get sex from strangers then the swinging route would like works better since folks there are supposed to only do it for play, but the open marriage route is basically permission to have outside affairs.

So what if the other man is married - there is nothing there to stop a relationship happening and her running off with him.

You think that her promise to end the affair if you object will really work? It won't. If you see her getting attached to a guy, the minute you say something you'll be called controlling.

I've never heard of a relationship going this direction driven by the wife that didn't end up in divorce.

BTW - usually when the wife suggests an open relationship: 1- there is already a guy she's got her eye on to replace you 2- she has lost any and all respect for you as a person, man, lover.

Good luck, but I think you'll be back here posting soon about how she is now leaving you.


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## marriedman_10 (Dec 20, 2011)

I asked her if there was someone she was into and she said no. She has no reason to lie about it. As for calling it off it one of us feels uncomfortable is a two way street and is meant to happen before anything really happens. My wife did not bring this up to seek another man;s affection, that's why we have some of the rules we have in place. She is also going to take a month off from going out while i can go out. She also said this is a right situation only type of thing. If she wanted to cheat on me, she would just do it and not tell me anything about it or how she feels. the fact that she is openign up and communicating with me about this is a big thing for her. She's had a hard time in her life with that. If she wanted to run off with another man then she would have done that a couple of years ago when she had and affair. During it the guy was getting attached and she was like that's not what this is about and ended it right away.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Wow.

I can see how some people (very very secure people ) could opt to open their marriage but to set the standar of only dating other married people is asking for a world of hurt.
You'll be screwing around with other peoples
Lives and families.

Yoi're also taking a risk of one of you forming an emotional bond since it's dating and not just sexual.

If this is the route you want to go you're better off swinging. 
At least that way it's just sex, uou're both involved so less chance of an emotional bond forming.
You'll also be able to keep everyone honest and it won't be destroying anyone else's marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman_10 (Dec 20, 2011)

I thought the standard of only picking up married people was a little different as well, but what it does is makes it very hard for there to a sexual relations. Just because a married guy comes up to her at the bar when she's out with her friends doesn't mean he's looking for sex, could just be out with friends and wants to stay away from singles and just wants to talk to her. if that all it ends up being that night then she's ok with that. Same with me, if i'm at the bar talking with a married woman and nothing happens then nothing happens. If they persue us in a sexual manner and we feel up to it, then we can go ahead with it. The other thought is maybe that person is just as bored with their own sex life like we are and wants something different, but doesn't want to give up their marriage and life. That's why we also made the rule of no outside communication with someone that we sleep with or chat up at a bar for a possible future hook up. its either that night or not at all with that person. 

Swinging is still on the table, just still doing the research on it to see how and where we can do that.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

I think you'd be better off swinging than screwing other married people you pick up at bars. At least with the swinging everyone knows it's just about sex. You'll get into all sorts of drama with spouses of your pickups, at least potentially. 

Personally there is no way I'd be up for either, but I'm not you


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

I would go ahead and get the divorce going because that is where this is going to end up. I've never, ever seen this work out.


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## marriedman_10 (Dec 20, 2011)

yardman- you might be right. Since my wife and I only plan on doing this every once in awhile swinging might give us that other different sexual experience that we are looking for once a month since that's how most of the clubs like that work. 

zsu234- I disagree. I think if we don't do something we're heading there. This could be just what we need.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Yeah, you don't need the drama and possible repercussions of a jealous spouse one of you picked up for a one night stand. Heck the person picked up might be a psyco bunny boiler and try to insert themself into your marriage permanently.

I still think you are playing with fire either way, but whatever trips your trigger, your both adults. Given the two choices swinging is probably the safer route.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I agree with the point about married people - neither of you wants to be reason another family breaks up do you?


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## marriedman_10 (Dec 20, 2011)

no not at all and when she got home from work we started to have a talk and we both decided that to only go for married people would be bad and we didn't want to be a part of breaking up another persons marriage. So now we're back to the swinging thing which would give us a way to be with someone different and experience something new, have that with the understanding that we're only there for the sexual physical and nothing more, and it would be something we can do together at the same time, instead of one of us just going out and trying to pick someone up that is single. So we still have a lot more talking to do and figuring out what's best for us.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you considered going to a brothel together and sharing someone?


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## marriedman_10 (Dec 20, 2011)

she's not into being with another woman.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

marriedman_10 said:


> she's not into being with another woman.


Perhaps you can find a male/female set at a brothel?

It might be interesting if she knows/thinks you went to be with someone. She might change her mind very quickly. 

I expect she's operating under the assumption that she can get laid anytime she chooses, and you'll be dry and alone. If it turns out you're getting some, her tune may very very well change fast.


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## marriedman_10 (Dec 20, 2011)

do they have male/female brothels? That is an interesting thought because there is no way there could be any emotional connection.


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