# Wife left 10 days ago



## southpaw27 (Mar 20, 2009)

My wife left me 10 days ago and states she does not love me anymore and has not for some time. We have had some ups and downs, but have always worked them out. Here parents are divorced as well and her Dad is kind of crazy. We have been together for 5 years and married since August 08. She states we have nothing in common, and doesnt think we are meant to be together. She moved in to our old place that her step dad owns. At first i tried and tried to tell how how much i love her and she said we will see one day at a time. She refuses counseling. after a week of moving out she states it is over and she will never come back and i need to move on. I sent her an email a 4 days ago saying why i think we didn't work out. 

She is 23 and has had 3-4 jobs in the last couple years and is not happy where we live and doesn't think i would ever move. She had endometiroses so she went on the lupron shot that made her have menopause type symptoms and a total loss of sex drive. This made me feel unwanted and it pushed me away. She then started taking effexor for the effects of the lupron and this made her moody, lost her sex drive even more, and had a very hard time getting off it. She has been off for about 10 months or so and had second thoughts on getting married, but we worked things out and went ahead with getting married. We purchased a house together and have no kids. Since August we only had sex 2-3 times and she began pushing me away and would not let me touch her and would barely say she loves me. 10 days ago she decided to move out. A couple days after i had written the letter of why i though we broke up i sent her an email saying i agree with her decision, and maybe we should be split up at this time. No more than 2 minutes after the email she called me asking how i changed my mind so quick and seemed shocked. I have been reading the Miracle of Makeup by TW Jackson and it says to just agree with your spouse on the breakup and then do not contact them for 30 days. It has been two days since that email and i have not spoken to her. She emailed me today saying a friend in Phoenix is moving back to my town and maybe he can be my roomate. What should be my next move? I really love her and want her back, but i know calling, texting, emailing her constantly just pusher her away. I just called today to set up a counselor for myself to discuss. Should invite her after a couple sessions or should i just leave her alone? What is my next step.

Sorry for the long post. I made it the shortest i could.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

southpaw27-

Unless you have a low sex drive as well, I would count your blessings. Try to think through how the relationship would go over the next 10 years.


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## southpaw27 (Mar 20, 2009)

She used to be crazy and want to have sex all the time. Ever since she got on the medication she has lost it, and lost her love for me.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

moogie smells a rat...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I think you are on the right track as far as handling the situation. She moved out--just remember, she chose this. And no, I don't think she is mentally right. Maybe she has done you a favor. Individual counseling will help you get all of this sorted out.


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## southpaw27 (Mar 20, 2009)

Yeah. I just don't know what to do next. Wait it out, and give her space. I don't know if her texting me that maybe my friend could be my roommate was just a test or if she is serious. It hasn't even been two weeks. I did notice she is no longer appearing offline on messenger and facebook. She did take her info off facebook saying she is married to me. I did the same. I am going to give it 2-3 weeks. She said she will come get the rest of her stuff in a couple weeks. Should i just give up or hang in their?


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## southpaw27 (Mar 20, 2009)

Their are no signs she is/was cheating on me. She says that is the last thing on her mind right now.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

My counselor suggested that I wait 9 months before doing anything after my husband moved out of our house. But, this was a 22 year marriage. You might ask your counselor for guidance. However, you'll have to do what feels right for you and your situation. If I were you, I would just sit tight for a few weeks and leave your wife alone. Let her think about what she has done. Even if both of you do decide to work on the marriage in the future, some things will have to change. I don't think you would want her to come home and things continue as they were.


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## southpaw27 (Mar 20, 2009)

It's so weird. I went 3 days without contact. She then send me a text talking about our dog and then sends me a funny picture of the dog. I texted her back with a couple funny comments and left it at that. She is still in contact with me. Should i just ignore her completely or just continue my brief texts once she contacts me?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

southpaw27 said:


> It's so weird. I went 3 days without contact. She then send me a text talking about our dog and then sends me a funny picture of the dog. I texted her back with a couple funny comments and left it at that. She is still in contact with me. Should i just ignore her completely or just continue my brief texts once she contacts me?


.....thought she said you had nothing in common. She is obviously very confused and really doesn't know what she wants in life. Personally I wouldn't even acknowledge her messages for a while. That's just my opinion based on what I have been thru over the past year. Hopefully some other forum members will have some input for you. 

I believe she has some mental issues (& could benefit from counseling). She really doesn't won't to fully let you go--at least not yet. That's why she does the text messages. By having this minimal contact, she could possibly see you as a safety net.


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## southpaw27 (Mar 20, 2009)

She has been going to counseling for quite some time. She is still texting me reminding me to do things at the house. She then texts me saying she will come get the rest of her stuff in the next week or two. I really don't know what else i can do. Should i let her know i'm going to counseling? Should i just completely ignore her? She is being nice to me, but says it's over for good. I'm confused!


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## Baja (Mar 21, 2009)

southpaw27 said:


> She used to be crazy and want to have sex all the time. Ever since she got on the medication she has lost it, and lost her love for me.



She did not lose her love to you ,
she lost her sex drive and is feeling awful because of you.
She feels depressed and confused though you may just not see it as she does not show you that.
Being noble deep in her soul she is letting you have your own freedom from one side,
and from another side she is hating herself such ...in this situation,
so she preferred to leave .. 

Be at her side,
if you love her , give her some space,but tell her ,text her,call her , say to her that you love her ,that you want to help her, that you do not want you to separate ... 

Tell her .
You love her ..So you do not lose anything by that ..do you ? 
Take a try .. she understands her situation and is feeling so bad just now .Do not let her heart break into parts . Just try to help .


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## southpaw27 (Mar 20, 2009)

She is feeling awful because of me? She knows i love her. I don't think texting, calling is doing anything but pushing her farther away at this point. I just wish she would open up and let me know how i can help. I think she was unhappy because of all these things that happened to her health and dad issues. I was the only constant thing in her life, so i believe she let me go thinking that will make things better. It's my opinion and i'm scared to tell her that because i don't want to be completely wrong and make her angry.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Southpaw27,

It sounds as though you really love your wife and would like to have her back. At least that's what I see in your posts. We all see where your heart is. However, the problem is with her. Something is going to have to change within her. I have been in a similar spot. My husband moved out last year. I loved him with all of my heart, but he didn't want to be married to me any longer. No matter what I did--either calling him or not calling him--he didn't love me any longer. I couldn't change his heart. That was really hard to accept.

Now, I will ask some more questions. There are obviously some problems with her hormones. Those problems could vary well be the culprit behind some of her behavior (especially the lack of sex drive). I'm not sure where the doctors are with fixing the endometriosis. I do know the Lupron has some nasty side effects. Could she possibly see an endocrinologist along with the gynocologist? There are hormones which can sometimes fix the low sex drive in women. Some options will obviously depend on the endometriosis though.


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## southpaw27 (Mar 20, 2009)

She has been to at least 3-4 Dr's and they say her hormones are fine. She is in counseling and is now going to a natuopathic dr who has her on some other pills to clean out her toxins or some BS. I think she is just so desperate to feel like herself again, that she left me thinking i was the problem causing her to feel like this. She says she doesn't love me anymore, but she says she still has feelings for me. This sucks.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I know it sucks! Been there. Sounds like you have been more than patient with her. I don't know what more you can do. I guess the ball really is in her court now. And just remember, if things don't work out for you, there is someone out there who will be perfect for you. There are things we can't control. This may be one of those things.


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## southpaw27 (Mar 20, 2009)

Well, it has been very hard on me the last couple weeks. She says its over and is moving forward with the divorce. I tried getting her to watch fireproof with me, but refuses. I have taken her off my messenger and facebook as friends. This is killing me inside. I just wish she would try. Their are already comments on facebook on how she was at a party and guys were liking her. Reading this made me very angry, sad, jealous. I don't know what to do next.


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## Unit4 (Mar 15, 2009)

southpaw27 said:


> natuopathic


Sounds like the science of _independently_ solving one's problems through vitality, without meds, or some other spiritual varition...for one. This smacks as a little selfish, like she's on some bender to start fresh.

Have you questioned her maturity?


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

First of all my freind i want to say i am sorry for your hurt when my wife moved out it almost killed me to see her car drive down the street and to be honest once someone moves out it is very difficult to build on your relationship it seems like you only drift apart my wife found someone else in this process and has left me for this person leaving me in the ashes of divorce if you love her i would do all you can to regain her love but about the sex drive that can be ahuge sacrifice for you one that most all men cant make i would think hard on that one ive heard of simular situation where couples went years without haveing sex that would stink well good luck and god bless


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Here's a few things that stand out to me as indicative of a personality disorder in your wife:

She has been to at least 3-4 Dr's and they say her hormones are fine. 

She is 23 and has had 3-4 jobs in the last couple years

She has gone through all kinds of meds

She has second thoughts about marriage 

She tries to make you chase her by pushing you away.

If you stay away and or agree to her seperation, she acts shocked and puts a guilt trip on you.

When her sex drive goes, she acts like theres nothing left.

----------------------------------------------

You say she has been going to counseling for quite some time....does it ever seem that she goes
as a way to socialize? Does she ever tell you what she talks about?

You also say she has a crazy dad....

If she has not cheated yet, then she is very ripe to do it. She stands out as a personality disorder type to me because I've learned to identify those symptoms our of sheer experience. These things are more than her just being a little odd....
I bet she has told you things like "I'm afraid of not knowing who I am". Is she impatient? Does she have a problem with nurturing things that take time....like plants? Animals?

I'm afraid personality disorders leave little wiggle room when it comes to successful marriages or just successful relationships in general. PLEASE DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMAN. I beg you. It will hurt the child in the end. You will also get hurt but you will be stuck trying to take care of your child and YOU will take a back seat. 

My wife is a typical "Cluster B" type Personality Disorder. Specifically she has Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD). Read a little about what I'm talking about. Narrow it down to a cluster type and then look at the different kinds within that cluster. One of them will just scream out at you describing your wife.

Personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

If it helps, read my thread on my experience with my wife's infidelity. Half way into the thread, I discovered what she had and all the pieces fell in place after that.
my thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ated-last-year-twists-turns-no-trust-end.html


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## southpaw27 (Mar 20, 2009)

Tim,

No she has not cheated on me that i know of. I don't believe that she has. She never would tell me what her and the counselor would talk about. She just says that things never worked out for us and we have nothing in common. Her sex drive went down partly because of the meds she was on. The last 6 months or so she wouldn't say i love you unless i bugged her about it. She was not affectionate at all and barely would kiss me. She doesn't seem to have problems nurturing her dog at all. She seems to me to not be able to forget anything negative, and never remembers the positives. She has said that she will never change her mind and is ready to get the divorce over with, but i have said i would like to give us some time for her to decide if that is what she really wants. I don't see her changing her mind, and am really done trying to do so. I am just going to see how it goes the next month and talk to my own counselor. I admit i haven't been the best boyfriend/husband as i have tooken her for granted and for 18 months i went through some depression and wouldn't go to a counselor like she had asked. I am partly to blame, but i just wish it wasn't too late.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

ok. It might be that she is just depressed and perhaps not happy in this relationship. If nothing in those links I gave you rings a bell then I think you need to just learn from your mistakes and move on...try not to act so desperate though. no one likes that.


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