# Not to beat the Porn issue to death...



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

This issue has been discussed to death on this forum, even by me. But I have a couple of questions I would really like answers for.

For men:

1. If your wife is putting out regulary and you still turn to porn, why? Adventure, something different, someone young to look at whose body is unmarred by child birth and life in general?
2. Are you not physically attracted to your wife anymore due to age, sagging breasts, saggy stomach from having children, what? And if this is the issue, what could SHE do to change things and bring back your desire?

For women:

1. Do you feel as though you are a sex object and that your husband doesn't really "see" you as a person/woman until they want some p****? And why do you feel that way (specific examples)?
2. Are you still physically attracted to your husband? If not, why and what can HE do to change things and bring back your desire?

And just to throw this one out there... 

Why would a man look at porn all the time, yet not masturbate to it? If he's not masturbating to it, then what is the draw?


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Why would a man look at porn all the time, yet not masturbate to it? If he's not masturbating to it, then what is the draw?[/QUOTE]

1. We both watch, even though we do "it" quite often. It's just fun. She watches her stuff, I watch mine, we watch onese we think the other might find funny etc. Has nothing to do with adventure for me though. I just like looking at the act of sex and makes masturbation a bit quicker 

2. I am veeeery attracted. So nothing of the sorts there.

Last one. I don't know. But my gf sometimes watches gay porn and I look at some with her. Especially ones with stories and yaoi hentai. Crack me up. About your husband. I would not know. Maybe all just mental :S


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Draguna said:


> 1. We both watch, even though we do it quite often. It's just fun. She watches her stuff, I watch mine, we watch onese we think the other might find funny etc. Has nothing to do with adventure for me though. I just like looking at the act of sex and makes masturbation a bit quicker
> 
> 2. I am veeeery attracted. So nothing of the sorts there.


We also watch porn separately and together, but it seems that my husband is obsessed with porn - pretty close to addiction I would say. He wasn't this into it until the advent of the internet - but I believe it's on overboard status now and is affecting the level and frequency of intimacy between us, as a married couple.

It could be a boredom issue as he doesn't work and when he's not at his many hospital appointments, he's at home in front of the TV/computer, or it could be something else that he refuses to discuss with me.

Maybe if he was better at assuring me that it "wasn't me" per say, then I would feel more secure with the porn. Who knows?

Thanks for the response!


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Cannot speak for others but:

No matter how often I can have sex (and this applies to before my wife and when i was dating) i still would enjoy porn as it provides a variety/thrill. I also enjoy pleasing myself. Don't get me wrong. There is nothing that can compare to sex with my wife but, sometimes it if fun to rub one out. For me porn has no attaction except as a way to provide arousal to facilitate "release"

I am still wildly attracted to my wife. I think staying fit (or at least trying) can be helpful. Otherwise it would seem you don't care. I also think that offering variety in your sex life can be helpful to keep things fresh. Experiment, try different things...talk...see what he might want. 

I am no expert but, from what you are describing he has an addiction. 

Hope this helps. 
BTW, have you asked


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Cannot speak for others but:

No matter how often I can have sex (and this applies to before my wife and when i was dating) i still would enjoy porn as it provides a variety/thrill. I also enjoy pleasing myself. Don't get me wrong. There is nothing that can compare to sex with my wife but, sometimes it if fun to rub one out. For me porn has no attaction except as a way to provide arousal to facilitate "release"

*Sounds reasonable.*

I am still wildly attracted to my wife. I think staying fit (or at least trying) can be helpful. Otherwise it would seem you don't care. I also think that offering variety in your sex life can be helpful to keep things fresh. Experiment, try different things...talk...see what he might want. 

*Am fit, have tried ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. Am doing what he wants, so unsure what the issue is and he won't discuss it.*

I am no expert but, from what you are describing he has an addiction. 

*Amen! Now getting him to recognize this...very difficult when he won't talk about it.*

Hope this helps. 
BTW, have you asked

*What?*


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## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> For men:
> 
> 1. If your wife is putting out regulary and you still turn to porn, why? Adventure, something different, someone young to look at whose body is unmarred by child birth and life in general?
> 2. Are you not physically attracted to your wife anymore due to age, sagging breasts, saggy stomach from having children, what? And if this is the issue, what could SHE do to change things and bring back your desire?
> ...


1. In my situation, my wife is very limited to the things and times that we can do. So I watch porn as a release or a fillment of the things that my wife is not supplying. I am a very visual person and she removes the visual part of sex from our sex life. Porn fills that void that she removes.
2. I love my wife and am VERY attracted to her. As far as what she could change, you could read any of my posts lol. She needs to be much more open I feel before I could really stop watching.

I don't always watch porn to masturbate.(although I do from time to time) Some times I do watch for the visual stimulation it provides. I know my wife dosent want me to watch, but she refuses to fill that void in our sex life and I feel it is needed.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

1. If your wife is putting out regulary and you still turn to porn, why? Adventure, something different, someone young to look at whose body is unmarred by child birth and life in general?

Define "regularly". if a woman "puts out" one a week, generally speaking that isn't going to satisfy a man's sexual needs. I know that when my wife and I have sex three times a week, I generally won't look at porn since my sexual needs are met. But if she isn't interested for a week or more, I'll look at it and masturbate.

2. Are you not physically attracted to your wife anymore due to age, sagging breasts, saggy stomach from having children, what? And if this is the issue, what could SHE do to change things and bring back your desire?

if I were to be in the dating scene, I would not be attracted to my wife (and she probably wouldn't be attracted to me). However I love making love to her, touching her body, kissing every inch of it.

Why would a man look at porn all the time, yet not masturbate to it? If he's not masturbating to it, then what is the draw?

Ever walk down a busy street and stop to read the menus outside the restaurants on the street? You don't eat at every restaurant but you still read the menus, right?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Married&Confused said:


> 1Ever walk down a busy street and stop to read the menus outside the restaurants on the street? You don't eat at every restaurant but you still read the menus, right?


Outstanding point! Never heard it put that way.

So - if your wife:

- Is putting our regularly - every day or every other day - or is willing to
- Is adventurous, roleplay, toys, porn, BDSM, whatever you're into

Then could it be that as the body has aged and sagged, etc., that attraction is lost? What to do if he's extremely visual and this is a problem? You can lose weight and exercise, but age and gravity still have a way of making themselves known unless you have a LOT of plastic surgery.

And what about a man who is not attracted to that "in you", but yet has the same flaws themselves. Would you call that man selfish and shallow, or a man and visual?


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Outstanding point! Never heard it put that way.
> 
> So - if your wife:
> 
> ...


I would call that type of guy a hypocrite.

But what to do about it? Lingerie, costumes, etc... My wife is a bit overweight and saggy. but she looks great in nothing but one of my dress shirts. Very sexy.

yes men can be very visual, but if they can't see it, they will visualize something pleasant.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> This issue has been discussed to death on this forum, even by me. But I have a couple of questions I would really like answers for.
> 
> For men:
> 
> ...


I would like to capitalize on the fact that the porn is just easier. i have deduced that that is why my H turns to porn. He's familiar with it, knows what he wants, when he wants it, and can please himself in less then five minutes, multiple times. women are not so simple.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> This issue has been discussed to death on this forum, even by me. But I have a couple of questions I would really like answers for.
> 
> For men:
> 
> 1. If your wife is putting out regulary and you still turn to porn, why? Adventure, something different, someone young to look at whose body is unmarred by child birth and life in general?


How much do I hate "putting out" expression. A lot I guess! But that is neither here nor there. I think I understand DH's PoV here. He watches it as visual stimulation that begins the plumbing maintenance. He also likes to look at pretty female forms. I think there may be a ... judgment being assumed by you that does not enter their minds. The viewing of THAT other body does not place a value judgment on the body he likes to view and please at home. 

We look at it together sometimes. Doesn't really do as much for me. But it feels nice that he does not feel the need to hide it.




> 2. Are you not physically attracted to your wife anymore due to age, sagging breasts, saggy stomach from having children, what? And if this is the issue, what could SHE do to change things and bring back your desire?
> 
> For women:
> 
> 1. Do you feel as though you are a sex object and that your husband doesn't really "see" you as a person/woman until they want some p****? And why do you feel that way (specific examples)?


Nope. The fact that he wants me is an expression of love and desire that is part and parcel for the high regard he places on me.



> 2. Are you still physically attracted to your husband? If not, why and what can HE do to change things and bring back your desire?


Hell yes. Aside from his fine frame, he is the most wonderful man ever made. He has some significant flaws. But he puts up with all of my significant flaws with good grace. He is fun and funny. He listens to me when I speak to him. And he speaks to me when he has troubles or anything that needs speaking. When he touches me and the fireworks don't explode, he listens to me about what makes the fireworks explode. He never gets frustrated that the fireworks have a different fuse this time than last time.




> And just to throw this one out there...
> 
> Why would a man look at porn all the time, yet not masturbate to it? If he's not masturbating to it, then what is the draw?


Got me there. No idea. Ok well here it is. I already outted myself as bisexual somewhere on this group... Women's bodies are pretty,


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> How much do I hate "putting out" expression. A lot I guess! But that is neither here nor there. I think I understand DH's PoV here. He watches it as visual stimulation that begins the plumbing maintenance. He also likes to look at pretty female forms. I think there may be a ... judgment being assumed by you that does not enter their minds. The viewing of THAT other body does not place a value judgment on the body he likes to view and please at home.
> 
> We look at it together sometimes. Doesn't really do as much for me. But it feels nice that he does not feel the need to hide it.
> 
> ...


Maybe putting out wasn't a good way to express it, just what came out when I was typing the thread...

You made a good point, a point someone else made on another thread. I take his viewing of porn personally and that it is a judgement of me - the point you're trying to make is that IT'S NOT a judgement of me, his desire (or lack thereof right now) for me, if he finds me attractive, etc. This is to stimulate him, make him feel better without having to "perform" for anyone and he likes looking at naked bodies and people having solo and group sex. He does tend to "move around" in reference to his type of porn. Everything from MILFs with saggy boobs, to younger hardbodied women, to solo men to group male action, etc. He's all over the map. This is what has me worried that he might have a porn addiction - the variety he views is endless and ever-changing.

He's always liked porn but I didn't discover how much he was actually into it until early last year - this is when it began to bother me - before when I was clueless, well, you know, what you don't know can't hurt you.

But now that I know it has become some sort of obsession for me. I think part of it is my own insecurity at aging and turning 50 last year - I know that's part of it and working on my own confidence and self-respect has helped, but I find that it's still bothering me and I can't pinpoint why. I love porn and I watch it and we watch it together when we are intimate - but for some reason it feels like a betrayal to me when he watches it alone - and I don't know why.

So THIS is what I'm trying to work on. I'm trying to not let it bother me, not take it personally and realize that the porn AND ME have little in common IN HIS EYES. This is easy to say, but harder to implement.

Any good ideas or thoughts as to how I can help myself past this issue would be welcomed. I've already STOPPED snooping on his internet history to see what porn he's looking at, because this only causes me more grief, not him.

BTW, the hubby is bi-sexual (I already outed him here), and I'm leaning in that direction myself (bi-curious). No issues there - that's not my problem.

Any other ideas??


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

As i have mentioned in my previous posts you should try not to take it personally. 

I am not sure thought if you are hurt that he wants some "quality alone time with his porn" and you are not his sole source of release or what. 

Perhaps his being BI as you mentioned may be a factor. Perhaps he may feel uncomfortable you knowing the stuff that he may really be into. Could this be it. 

If you have closeness and intamacy, tenderness, respect and all of the other things in your relationship then why is it that this is a big deal? Are you not getting sex frequently enough. 

When you ask a guy why he likes solo (porn or masturbation) they may get wierd about it. While all guys publicallly joke aobut rubbing one out it does have some wierd connotation to it. Think about it. Why is it that a women who has a vibrator dildo or some kind of other "plug in sex partner" are they somehow considered "liberated..." heck it has even been glorified in movies and tv shows like sex and the city. On the other hand if a man were to be found with some self-gratification to he may be self-conscious or be considered "creepy". 

Again maybe he just likes pleasing himself/and or engagiing in fantasy.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> This issue has been discussed to death on this forum, even by me. But I have a couple of questions I would really like answers for.
> 
> For men:
> 
> 1. If your wife is putting out regulary and you still turn to porn, why? Adventure, something different, someone young to look at whose body is unmarred by child birth and life in general?


So glad you asked. I work in porn, am happily married, and still enjoy watching porn regularly, even though the wife and I enjoy a very fulfilling sex life. Why? Because I enjoy watching porn regularly.

This is a little-understood mystery to many women. Nice guy, loves you, still watches porn. Here's the secret: porn is a vital part of male sexuality, and (absent mental illness) usually leads both man and wife to a far more sexually fulfilled relationship -- once it's role and place are properly understood.

Let me ask you this: As a woman you probably enjoy one or more of the following: tabloid magazines, soap operas, Cosmo, romance novels, "Daytime dramas", or reality shows. If not, then you certainly know a woman or women who do. Or it might manifest as something else. Regardless, these are all media designed to stimulate an erotic response, just like porn. From a technical POV, they are porn for all practical purposes. American women tend to become more sexually active the week after the new issue of Cosmo is released. Some women read 5-8 romance novels in a week. Some women can't live without their soaps. 

Because it's _their porn_. Sure, the sex isn't explicit (or rarely so), the subject matters are largely non-sexual (at least overtly), but these media all cater to satisfying a woman's sexual needs for fantasy entertainment. Perfectly harmless, you say, because there are no nipples showing. Just good clean smutty fun.

Would it be right for a man to insist a woman give up her "harmless" habit, in exchange for dropping his porn habit? Because that's in essence what those women who strongly object to porn are asking their menfolk to do. You see, it's not about the wives, their perceived deficiencies or flaws in their physical makeup. It's about a man's innate desire to feel attracted to all women, to womanhood itself, to female sexuality in general (or at least the way we'd like it to be). 

And the idea that men look at porn just to see nubile young nekkid women is faulty. Why? Because some of the best-selling and largest growing parts of the pornosphere are devoted to MILFs. Market data can't lie: young chicks are hot, but more mature chicks are _just as hot_. Heck, some guys will pay more to see stretch marks. Really. So don't think for a moment it's a reaction to your particular physical appearance and/or condition. Men like boobs. That's it.

Sure, there are plenty of dudes who over-do it. We fellas all know plenty who do. But even a regular porn habit should be viewed as essentially a healthy thing in a marriage. It leads to a better-developed fantasy life in married men that in turn encourages them to become more imaginative and creative -- and oftentimes more attentive -- lovers. In general. Your mileage may vary.




MarriedWifeInLove said:


> 2. Are you not physically attracted to your wife anymore due to age, sagging breasts, saggy stomach from having children, what? And if this is the issue, what could SHE do to change things and bring back your desire?


See above. To reiterate, we don't watch porn to escape from your sagging breasts and stretch marks. We watch porn to enrich our internal sexual fantasy life and reassure ourselves as sexual creatures independent of our wives. I'm still very physically attracted to my wife after 3 kids, and see her boobs and stretch marks as badges of honor. I often remark that she's my favorite MILF. I love her and love to have sex with her. But I'm not giving up my porn, nor am I demanding that she give up hers. Indeed, I make a point every month of buying the new issue of Cosmo and presenting it to her myself. 



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> And just to throw this one out there...
> 
> Why would a man look at porn all the time, yet not masturbate to it? If he's not masturbating to it, then what is the draw?



See above. He's priming his sexual pump, using visual stimulus to keep a higher testosterone level going. That doesn't mean he has to release the pressure yet, he's just stimulating that essential sexual beast . . . because it makes him feel better.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Blanca said:


> I would like to capitalize on the fact that the porn is just easier. i have deduced that that is why my H turns to porn. He's familiar with it, knows what he wants, when he wants it, and can please himself in less then five minutes, multiple times. women are not so simple.


No kidding! There have been many nights when I could have approached my wife for sex and successfully convinced her to do it, but haven't, because even after nearly 20 years it's still far more trouble to jump through even the easy hoops than it is just to gratify myself. 

In other words, sometimes a man doesn't want the 14 point inspection, he just wants his oil changed. And most women don't like changing oil without charging an arm and leg. Metaphorically speaking.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Outstanding point! Never heard it put that way.
> 
> So - if your wife:
> 
> ...


It sounds like you're looking for pragmatic advice about how to deal with your specific problem. From what you've said, you're ready willing and able, but he'd rather focus on porn. You have a few options to get the sex life you want.

Men are drawn to the bright and shiny (young and pert, whatever) but they are also drawn to that mysterious thing called intrigue. You have to keep the element of the chase about you. Sure, you might be there all the time, but that's part of the problem: where there is no challenge, the rewards are rarely appreciated.

So here's a couple of things you can do to hike up the intrigue between you, if you're willing to take the time to plan and execute this properly. 

The first is a sexy scavenger hunt. Oh, my boring DH won't play such games, you say. He finds them contrived and unsexy, you say. Or something like that. So don't consult him or give him a choice. Instead:

1) change the password on his computer, or put a password on the computer. 
2) leave a note that you have left the password for the computer in six to eight parts scattered across town. Each letter will lead to the next one.
3) Start him off tame, at a local bar, where you have already pre-paid for his (single) drink. He comes in, the bartender hands him a beverage and a note, and he moves on.
4)Next letter at a fancy lingerie store, where you've already picked out and purchased something you like. Not something he likes, but something you like. 
5) Next letter at a strip club, where you've pre-paid for him to get a lap dance by a stripper you selected.
6) Next letter at a store where you've pre-purchased a bottle of champagne.
7) Next letter at a sex shoppe, where you have purchased a few things for him to pick up.
8) Last letter at a seedy hotel, where you'll be waiting. At this point he might not even know it's you, but he might even think you sprung for a hooker. No reason you can't fulfill that fantasy while you're at it. But you don't have to give the rest of the password to him until you've been satisfied.

If he wants to watch porn on the damn computer so badly, then he needs the password. And I guarantee that any harsh feelings he might have for you about locking him out like that will likely dissipate during his lap dance, if not before. By the time he gets to you, you would have led him through an exciting, mysterious, and altogether alluring hunt, totally by surprise, thus re-injecting some much-needed intrigue into your sex life without any hurt feelings.

FYI: My wife did this for me as a birthday surprise, completely out of the blue. Most memorable birthday ever. Even kept the hat -- heck, I framed the hat. It gives me a boner every time I see it. Weird, I know.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> It sounds like you're looking for pragmatic advice about how to deal with your specific problem. From what you've said, you're ready willing and able, but he'd rather focus on porn. You have a few options to get the sex life you want.
> 
> Men are drawn to the bright and shiny (young and pert, whatever) but they are also drawn to that mysterious thing called intrigue. You have to keep the element of the chase about you. Sure, you might be there all the time, but that's part of the problem: where there is no challenge, the rewards are rarely appreciated.
> 
> ...


Ianironwood, 

This is genious!!! You have got to post this scavenger hunt thing udner a different heading forthe benefit of the people who may be tired of this subject...

I would even try doing this to my wife in the interest of spicing it up some. Since my wife would likely not go to a strip club what else could i substitute for that to be similar...(as you can tell i have very little creativity-I need to steal it from others)

Sorry if this hijacks this thread.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

*Same issue..?*



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> This issue has been discussed to death on this forum, even by me. But I have a couple of questions I would really like answers for.
> 
> For men:
> 
> ...


People like porn because it is arousing. Most men love to watch porn; it has NOTHING to do with not loving their partner. Babes, you keep posting about the same issue. What are you looking for?? 
No, I don't feel like a sex object. I know that lovemaking is an important and beautiful part of marriage, just like trust is.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> So glad you asked. I work in porn, am happily married, and still enjoy watching porn regularly, even though the wife and I enjoy a very fulfilling sex life. Why? Because I enjoy watching porn regularly.
> 
> This is a little-understood mystery to many women. Nice guy, loves you, still watches porn. Here's the secret: porn is a vital part of male sexuality, and (absent mental illness) usually leads both man and wife to a far more sexually fulfilled relationship -- once it's role and place are properly understood.
> 
> ...



Thank you SO MUCH for this insight. This is what I"m slowly adjusting to is that it's not personal and part of who he is as my husband and a man. The more secure and self-confident I become about myself, the less agitated I am about the porn.

In fact, I have NOT SNOOPED on his computer history to see if he's watching porn in almost 2 weeks - a record for me as of late. So I am trying. As I said in other post(s), I had no issues with porn prior to last year and a lot of different issues/scenarios in our relationship is what got me started on my high horse anyway.

And you're right, he looks at MILFs, big babes, men, hard-bodies younger girls and guys, tranny's, you name it. He's all over the map.

But this was a great response and a lot of insight into exactly how the male mind works. I have to keep reminding myself - he's not me, he's not me. Us women tend to want our men to behave like us or our best girl friend and it doesn't quite work that way, huh?

But thank you so much for that response - it makes a lot of sense. My ability to increase my own self-worth and self-esteem will go a long way to solving this issue, for me.

Thanks again!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

tjohnson said:


> Ianironwood,
> 
> This is genious!!! You have got to post this scavenger hunt thing udner a different heading forthe benefit of the people who may be tired of this subject...
> 
> ...


It does - darnit - leave my thread alone! 

I'm kidding...it could be beneficial to others also. But I got it FIRST...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

*Re: Same issue..?*



Mrs.G said:


> People like porn because it is arousing. Most men love to watch porn; it has NOTHING to do with not loving their partner. Babes, you keep posting about the same issue. What are you looking for??
> No, I don't feel like a sex object. I know that lovemaking is an important and beautiful part of marriage, just like trust is.


Looking for an answer to an issue that was causing me great stress.

It was making me feel as though "I" was the problem and that his heightened interest in porn was because of some deficiency on my part.

Now, with some great responses, some insight into why I started to have issues with something that wasn't a problem before and working on my self-respect, esteem and confidence has helped to lessen my agitation.

So I'm not as "upset" as I was and I am learning to deal with the fact that this is a normal part of most "mens" lives - I guess when we get older (I turned 50 last year), we start to lose some self-confidence and EVERYTHING starts to bother us. I have to remind myself that my hubby is old too - 49 - but he looks good - I do too - but he's the only one I am concerned about and I have been feeling neglected, etc., so it just all piled on top of me and this was just "another" issue.

But I'm doing much better - thanks for the post.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> It sounds like you're looking for pragmatic advice about how to deal with your specific problem. From what you've said, you're ready willing and able, but he'd rather focus on porn. You have a few options to get the sex life you want.
> 
> Men are drawn to the bright and shiny (young and pert, whatever) but they are also drawn to that mysterious thing called intrigue. You have to keep the element of the chase about you. Sure, you might be there all the time, but that's part of the problem: where there is no challenge, the rewards are rarely appreciated.
> 
> ...



Sounds fun, will have to see what I can do - thanks!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> In other words, sometimes a man doesn't want the 14 point inspection, he just wants his oil changed. And most women don't like changing oil without charging an arm and leg. Metaphorically speaking.


True and funny - thanks - I need a laugh...


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

tjohnson said:


> Ianironwood,
> 
> This is genious!!! You have got to post this scavenger hunt thing udner a different heading forthe benefit of the people who may be tired of this subject...
> 
> ...


NP. Don't think your wife automatically wouldn't want to go to a strip club -- but if you're looking for a good alternative, try a gay bar. Yes, a gay bar. Why? My wife has always loved gay bars because she can be surrounded by hunky, masculine, horny men who dress well and dance like a dream, and not feel like they all want to get in her pants. Find a friendly gay bar and see if you can't convince some really buff gay dude to dance with her for three or four songs. That'll get her all dewy.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Thank you SO MUCH for this insight. This is what I"m slowly adjusting to is that it's not personal and part of who he is as my husband and a man. The more secure and self-confident I become about myself, the less agitated I am about the porn.
> 
> In fact, I have NOT SNOOPED on his computer history to see if he's watching porn in almost 2 weeks - a record for me as of late. So I am trying. As I said in other post(s), I had no issues with porn prior to last year and a lot of different issues/scenarios in our relationship is what got me started on my high horse anyway.
> 
> ...


Just doin' my job, ma'am: saving American marriages one orgasm at a time. Seriously, I have a whole article about this on my blog -- I don't usually toot my own horn, but if you're interested you can find it here (NSFW): The Sex Nerd: How To Talk To Your Wife About Your Porn Hobby


About your situation over-all: your man does sound hurt. Whether or not he knows about your indiscretions, he certainly feels it. And this latest passive-aggressive thing is just making it worse.

If you're both at a sexual impasse (and it happens to everyone eventually) then sometimes the best thing you can do is step outside your comfort zone --radically, even. For example, surprise him by suddenly pulling into a (pre-scouted) dirty book store and taking him back to the video arcade booths and doing him suddenly in there. Talk dirty. Ask him what he REALLY likes, without judgement or condemnation, and no matter what it is you should agree that you find it hot (within reason). But whatever you do, drop the confrontational, judgmental tactics and strike at the heart of the problem. He obviously sees sex with you has some barriers. Identify them, then take them down, one by one. He might feel ashamed about some of his sexual thoughts -- reassure him that you're accepting of just about anything (within reason), and you won't judge. He might think that there's been too much history -- assure him you can manage to re-start the relationship (and be willing to follow through).

I hate to say it, but usually the impasse has to be broken by the female. Guys, once they get into this negative head-space ("The Man Cave") it's very, very hard to get out on our own. It's really easy for us to feel rejected, and when our rejection is compounded by "my wife just doesn't understand me" then hardening that resentment into permanent armor is automatic.

So instead of complaining to him about the lack of sex, take the pressure off. Tell him you'd like to do one sexual thing for him -- he names it -- without any expectations or judgments. Then back off and let him think about it. Follow it up with some light overtures of intimacy (dinner, drinks, a movie) or better yet, do what you might do if you were dating again and invite him out for coffee. But whatever you do, you have to break the pattern, and quick. The older he gets, the harder it will be for him to change.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

A persons preference for viewing porn is often independent of their primary sex relationship.

A man or woman may view it regardless of how strong their attraction and sex life is with their mate.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> For men:
> 
> 1. If your wife is putting out regulary and you still turn to porn, why? Adventure, something different, someone young to look at whose body is unmarred by child birth and life in general?
> 2. Are you not physically attracted to your wife anymore due to age, sagging breasts, saggy stomach from having children, what? And if this is the issue, what could SHE do to change things and bring back your desire?


when my wife and I's sex life really ramps up (which isn't the case anymore but for sake of the question), i still want to look at porn, perhaps even more cause the engine is really starting to rev up. my porn watching habits have little to do with my wife's availability sexually. the excuse is easier to find when its been awhile for us, but my porn watching habits have more to do with if the opportunity arises, or whether I'm depressed or lonely and due to my addiction to it. And my wife's appearances have nothing to do with it. I'm just as attracted to her when I first laid eyes on her, we've been married for almost 11 years.



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Why would a man look at porn all the time, yet not masturbate to it? If he's not masturbating to it, then what is the draw?


To me the two go hand-in-hand, forgive the pun. I can't see what the point is of watching porn if I couldn't do the other.


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## WhirlyGig (Feb 5, 2011)

Q's: 

1: Why do women (please forgive the generalisation - though I will continue it if only because it is helpful) feel so threatened by men watching/masturbating to Porn? Isn't there something to consider here about the well documented differences between the male and female responses to sex and physical stimuli. 
If a woman applies her own views and emotions about what this means to her, and transposes that onto what a man must be thinking/feeling when he is watching porn - you're onto an immediate wrongun!
My partner is gorgeous. Great body. Very sexy. I love looking at her and indeed get very turned on by her........urm.....occasionally...when she is actually in the mood. We have problems.....in the mood sometimes is either impossible, no matter how hard I/we try, or can be very time consuming - and when you up for work at 6am the next day...well you get the picture. And yes...I completely understand and would never (well rarely) push......with someone with as strong a mind as my partner this will only lead to trouble anyway.
So there I am - sex on the brain! Sorry can't help it - perhaps if you hadn't just been walking around the house in next to nothing, with your perfect little bod it wouldn't be there....but then again it might. Men get erections quite unexpectedly and for reasons that we just don't know half the time. And yes, once it had happened, that hard thing rubbing up against our trousers puts one thing right into our mind and it wont go away until that does!
So wait for it to go down......this is actually quite an effort.....could go and watch some footie I suppose, but it will just come back during the break when some babe appears in a deodorant commercial. 
You know what.....quick......just rub one out real quick......and when I say real quick....I'm feeling a bit brain dead at the mo....a bit of visual aid will help it be even quicker, then it will go away, I'll stop thinking about it and I can come to bed with no fear that my desires will make you feel uncomfortable and I can snuggle up with only warmth and love in my mind. (and no rod up your back either!!)
If you can forgive the vulgarity for a moment - Tits, bums, thighs....and various other body parts depending on your specific tastes have an immediate and noticeable effect on us poor men - they don't have women with minds attached to them - this isn't real. No feelings to hurt, no emotions to consider, no "performance" to worry about. Don't ask me why - I dont know! It just happens! Women - Can you REALLY be threatened by a pair of breasts.....you're thinking its a real person aren't you? 

Not that this is the only reason for performing this activity. There are many - and none of them are reasons for you women to worry about.
How about another example....and please dont' ask "WHY", cos I don't know...I just know it works:
I suffer from migraines.....yep, proper ones....over the years I have discovered that if I can feel one coming on, and I quickly relieve myself (as above) on many (not all unfortunately occasions it goes away again! Cool! Defo better that having to listen to that guy in my head trying to drill a hole through my eyes and out the back of my skull for an hour or two!
Yes I could ask you to rub one out for me, but what if you're not in the mood, or not there, or you're currently pissed at me.....or me at you? Too much risk there if you ask me!
Stress Relief
Catharsis
etc...
etc...

(Try it?) (Sorry!)

2: Why does the subject often and so quickly lead to the subject of addiction? I'm not trying to say that this isn't one possible reason, but I'm sure its not one of the common ones.
If someone enjoys a drink now and again, does that make them an alcoholic, or is it something worth considering they might be becoming? Same q about smoking the odd joint, I suppose?
If its happening several times a day, everyday
If it is interferring with your (real) sex life
If its making you late for work
etc......than maybe you have a point...otherwise - See Q1?

Unfortunately I say all of the above and my partner has a REAL problem with it, and has actually said she feels that this is worse than having an affair? (I think this is rather extream!)

She has said that if I promised her that I would never do it - then it would improve our relationship - but on a number of occasions I have tested this theory - the theory failed!

As I said about a Facebook thread - this subject in NOT the problem, at worst it is a symptom?

My advice - focus on the problem!


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## RandomMaleUser (Jan 29, 2011)

I'll play:



> 1. If your wife is putting out regulary and you still turn to porn, why? Adventure, something different, someone young to look at whose body is unmarred by child birth and life in general?


I won't say that I am addicted to porn, but I do go through spits and spurts (no pun intended). For me, it is a purely visual thing. If I was to go all the way while watching/looking at porn, its not to fantasize and what I am looking at, it probably more of a voyeuristic thing. Porn, though, has never got in the way of my sex life.

Like what was posted a couple of posts ago by the history look up that MarriedWifeInLove has found, it's not about looking at young perfectly formed (or manipulated) girls, its just about looking at different things (I look at the lot, what I enjoy the most is MILF's, girls who are possibly defined as larger, even vintage, if you call 50's and 60's porn vintage). Yes, it does get my heart racing (and other things). I have also enjoyed porn with my wife, but it needs to be carefully selected, but probably not within the last 4 or so years.


> 2. Are you not physically attracted to your wife anymore due to age, sagging breasts, saggy stomach from having children, what? And if this is the issue, what could SHE do to change things and bring back your desire?


Heck yeah, I am so physically attracted to my wife, its not funny. So, my wife has probably put on a few pounds since she brought our wonderful children in the world, but then again, I have as well in the same time period and I probably don't have an excuse. 

But, you know what, it doesn't matter. I still find her extremely hot and while I do get peeved at the lack of intimacy from time to time, there is still only one woman I want to make love with


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