# What Should I Do?



## arbitrator

*I regret to inform you that the beloved mother of my RSXW passed away yesterday at the age of 94. 

She was a very sweet Christian lady, who always treated me with love and extreme kindness!

Her visitation and funeral is this weekend, and although my RSXW and I are on less than acrimonious terms, I don't know if I should make an attempt to go, or to just send flowers/card and let sleeping dogs lie!

My presence by her would be about as welcomed as an outhouse breeze at a church service!

I never got the opportunity to explain my side of the story to any of her family, to counter what lies my RSXW probably may have told them; so giving in to the analogy that "blood is thicker than water," I'm very much leaning towards not going at all!

Am I right in thinking that or am I totally wrong?
What say you?*


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## Andy1001

Stay at home and walk Mathias.No good can come from this and the situation could turn nasty.


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## MattMatt

Flowers and a card would be a nice gesture.

And a private visit to her grave at some future point, perhaps?


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## BigToe

I agree with the others, stay away. Sending flowers to the funeral home is a good option. It shows you cared about her without making a physical appearance that could be awkward.


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## karole

I would just send a card.


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## sunsetmist

Funerals are more for the living than the one who died. I'd send a memorial to a cause that I think deceased would like and direct acknowledgement to be sent to other relatives than RSXW. This presumes that you would not have bad feelings personally for not attending the funeral.


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## Lostinthought61

In Tibetan Buddhism, when someone dies they spend 72 days traveling on earth, visiting people in their lives they call it the Bardo, i would like to think that she would come visit you and then you could tell her your side of things. Funerals sadly are not for the dead but for the living, she can still hear your prays with your presence there. 
But do tell her that when her daughter comes to see her, you will be sure to dance on her grave. ;-) you owe her that at least.


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## Yeswecan

Send flowers and condolences. It is more then enough for the current situation.


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## sokillme

arbitrator said:


> *I regret to inform you that the beloved mother of my RSXW passed away yesterday at the age of 94.
> 
> She was a very sweet Christian lady, who always treated me with love and extreme kindness!
> 
> Her visitation and funeral is this weekend, and although my RSXW and I are on less than acrimonious terms, I don't know if I should make an attempt to go, or to just send flowers/card and let sleeping dogs lie!
> 
> My presence by her would be about as welcomed as an outhouse breeze at a church service!
> 
> I never got the opportunity to explain my side of the story to any of her family, to counter what lies my RSXW probably may have told them; so giving in to the analogy that "blood is thicker than water," I'm very much leaning towards not going at all!
> 
> Am I right in thinking that or am I totally wrong?
> What say you?*


Laugh and think about how now she knows the truth. I might consider sending your ex a little not saying as much. 

- I am sorry for the loss of your Mom, though it is a nice thought to think that now she knows what an ******* you are. (You could say that nicer). 

Smile and go on with the rest of your day.


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## Oldtimer

Arbitrator, firstly allow me to send my sincere condolences on your loss. Since you and she had a caring relationship, I would send flowers and not go. 

I tend to agree with Matt Matt and take time to visit later at your leisure, I’m sure she would have understood.


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## red oak

To each their own.
I didn't go to my XW memorial service so I would say no.


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## arbitrator

sokillme said:


> Laugh and think about how now she knows the truth. I might consider sending your ex a little not saying as much.
> 
> - I am sorry for the loss of your Mom, though it is a nice thought to think that now she knows what an ******* you are. (You could say that nicer).
> 
> Smile and go on with the rest of your day.


*I really respected the lady as she shared many of the same similarities that my own Mom did! We visited for hours sharing stories and also sharing our Christian faith!

And although we never talked about it, I kind of figure that she had a reasonably good intuition about the sordid actions of her daughter!

Back in the early 1920's, her dad was a Texas freemason, as am I, and we would talk about him and his family. 

In April of each year, I would happily pick dewberries out on her ranch and bring them in to her to cook dewberry cobblers for dessert!

She'll be among those that I'll want to immediately see in the Heavenly Kingdom when I finally get there!

She's one super lady who, for one, will always be missed by me!*


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## arbitrator

*Decision made! 

No sense in going, as even my solo, unwitnessed visitation to the funeral home/church would be about as welcomed by my RSXW and her misinformed minions, much like a turd in a punch bowl!

To go to the funeral would likely subject me to be rubbing shoulders with RSXW's new hubby, her male friend paramours who she remains friends with and whom she cheated on me with during our married years. Not to even mention her own dopehead adult kids!

I think I'll just either be at the ranch working, and thinking of her on Saturday or at home keeping Mathias company! 

I am somewhat perplexed that my youngest son hasn't yet called me with the funeral details, unless he's been personally directed not to by the powers that be!

Thanks to all of you who have taken time to comment offering me your great, well-thought-out advise!*


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## arbitrator

*My former MIL's obituary hit the newspapers and the web this AM!

Her funeral home visitation is being held this evening, and while I will not be there at it, or the funeral services and burial tomorrow, her loving treatment of me over the years will definitely be on my mind! My physical presence is just not needed there!

I bought a nice sympathy card and will mail it to her address of record to the family in general!

I was happy to see that my RSXW had my two sons listed in the obit as surviving grandchildren!*


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## sunsetmist

Wise choice not to go, but her death brings up memories both good and bad, I expect. Know you miss her wisdom and affection for you--another casualty of infidelity. Hope your sons benefited from her 'specialness' as did you.


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## arbitrator

*I know they have and I'm hoping that they will instill within themselves 1/10th of the caring Christian lady she is! 

Still perplexed why my youngest didn't notify me, but he could have been told by RSXW not to say a damned word to me about it, fearing that I'd show up as a friend! There may be lots of things I'd do, but showing up somewhere where my presence would be about as welcome as a prostitute in church, well, that just ain't going to happen. If that's non- confrontational, then so be it ~ it's a good kind of non-confrontational!

I just walked her sympathy card to the local mailbox. It was made out simply to the family in general at my MIL's rural address! It will likely arrive there Saturday or Monday!

Thanks for each and every one of my fellow TAM brethren for their care and concern!*


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## arbitrator

*My oldest son finally called me to let me know that my MIL's funeral went OK!

He said that the visitation was well-attended and the funeral service at their church was 4/5 full! Told him that I hoped he said "Hi" to all of my former in-laws whom I had developed great relationships with, and he said that he did!

Feels rather empty to not be included but I know where I'm no longer welcome, basically for being a duped, unwitting victim of RSXW's unremorseful infidelity! 

In the months ahead, I do hope to visit MIL's gravesite at their family plot out in the little country cemetery that she and her dear husband is buried in!*


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