# Unhappy Newlywed



## elouise11 (Feb 28, 2014)

I'm looking for some thoughts and feedback. My husband and I got married fairly young. I was 23 and he was 24. We got engaged right before I graduated college. We've been married for almost 2 years now. My thoughts now are that I got married at too young of an age before experiencing life on my own. At the time if our engagement, my whole life was a whirlwind with a very stressful job, moving, buying a house, etc. there was one period of time during our engagement that I considered calling it off. I ended up reconsidering and am now wishing I would have listened to my gut. My husband is a great guy. He's nice, very loyal, hard working, and we have the same values. My problem is that I really do not feel attracted to him anymore nor go I really enjoy his company. He tends to be pessimistic and we don't really challenge each other or make each other better. He is very happy in our marriage and tells me all the time how happy he is to have me while I find myself ashamed to introduce him as my husband and actually repulsed by his naked body. I realize this might seem shallow. I'm feeling so angry with myself and frustrated for making a lifelong decision at such a young age. I am really torn between honoring the commitment I made in marrying him and getting out now while I'm young and before kids. To the people who have been married longer, do you have and advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

elouise11 said:


> I'm looking for some thoughts and feedback. My husband and I got married fairly young. I was 23 and he was 24. We got engaged right before I graduated college. We've been married for almost 2 years now. My thoughts now are that I got married at too young of an age before experiencing life on my own. At the time if our engagement, my whole life was a whirlwind with a very stressful job, moving, buying a house, etc. there was one period of time during our engagement that I considered calling it off. I ended up reconsidering and am now wishing I would have listened to my gut. My husband is a great guy. He's nice, very loyal, hard working, and we have the same values. My problem is that I really do not feel attracted to him anymore nor go I really enjoy his company. He tends to be pessimistic and we don't really challenge each other or make each other better. He is very happy in our marriage and tells me all the time how happy he is to have me while I find myself ashamed to introduce him as my husband and actually repulsed by his naked body. I realize this might seem shallow. I'm feeling so angry with myself and frustrated for making a lifelong decision at such a young age. I am really torn between honoring the commitment I made in marrying him and getting out now while I'm young and before kids. To the people who have been married longer, do you have and advice?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your kidding right?

Been married two years and your husbands body repulses you! 

Why don't you tell us about the guy that you are interested in? 

Then we can give you our opinion on which one you should be with.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why are you repulsed by his body? What's changed?

Someone asked me once what my "biggest regret in life" was. And my answer was that it was coming back to my wife after we separated early in my marriage, without actually resolving the issues. We had no kids, no mortgage, no issues. I was actually a student at the time, so alimony would have been fairly painless. 

Not sure if that helps, but there you go... Oh, and she's my STBXW, now. But with 15 more years of baggage to deal with. :-(

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## elouise11 (Feb 28, 2014)

SadSamIAm said:


> Your kidding right?
> 
> Been married two years and your husbands body repulses you!
> 
> ...


I'm not interested in someone else. It's really that I don't find him attractive. I did for years but I think as I spend more time with grown men, I realize how unattractive my husband is. It's really that he's small. His frame is tiny. He had no muscle. I workout daily and have been getting fit while he just gets skinnier. I just avoid looking at him naked because I find his body to be really unattractive. Again, I realize how shallow this sounds. But how do you stay happy in a brand new marriage knowing that you are not attracted to your spouse and probably never will be?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

elouise11 said:


> I'm not interested in someone else. It's really that I don't find him attractive. I did for years but I think as I spend more time with grown men, I realize how unattractive my husband is. It's really that he's small. His frame is tiny. He had no muscle. I workout daily and have been getting fit while he just gets skinnier. I just avoid looking at him naked because I find his body to be really unattractive. Again, I realize how shallow this sounds. But how do you stay happy in a brand new marriage knowing that you are not attracted to your spouse and probably never will be?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The better question is how does someone get into a brand new marriage with a spouse that they are not attracted to?

I agree with PBear. If you know it isn't going to work, then it is better to leave now. 

Especially before kids are involved.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

-Why do people talk about marrying in their mid-20s as though they were high school students when they got hitched? You weren't a child bride, you were a pair of grown adults, and the average age people always used to get married at before everybody decided it would be great to wait until they're in their late-30s before they have kids.

-You're not interested in another man, but now that you're around other men he's repulsive? Sounds like the working out has paid off and you've been getting attention from these guys and it's making you think of you can do better.

-Maybe it won't work out for you guys; I don't know. If he's as great as you say, he'll not have a hard time snapping up a woman that appreciates him. From everything I've read about the dating market, you'll get to have fun finding a guy to do so much as buy you a sandwich on a date. Oops - date? I mean hook-up.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

sh987 said:


> -Why do people talk about marrying in their mid-20s as though they were high school students when they got hitched? You weren't a child bride, you were a pair of grown adults, and the average age people always used to get married at before everybody decided it would be great to wait until they're in their late-30s before they have kids.
> 
> -You're not interested in another man, but now that you're around other men he's repulsive? Sounds like the working out has paid off and you've been getting attention from these guys and it's making you think of you can do better.
> 
> -Maybe it won't work out for you guys; I don't know. If he's as great as you say, he'll not have a hard time snapping up a woman that appreciates him. From everything I've read about the dating market, you'll get to have fun finding a guy to do so much as buy you a sandwich on a date. Oops - date? I mean hook-up.


I'm with him on this one. You weren't a child, you were an adult. And you should have called it off before you married him. You are not being fair. Let me remind you, you will get old and ugly one day. And you will want someone to love you for all your old ugly ass can offer and then love you some more just because your old and ugly. Beauty goes, and just to let you know, MEN GET BETTER WITH AGE!! especially the thin ones, because they usually don't get fat, just gain enough weight to fill out. 

I agree with you, You are being extremely shallow. And just remember the grass is always greener on the other side, but when you do go over, you only realize its greener because it is full of poison to keep it pretty. Get the hint.... 

Grow up and think this through. If you really can't deal with him then let him go and let a real woman love him for the good man he is. 

It is sad that good women marry ****ty men and good men marry even ****tier women. As far as the missing out on life goes, you aren't missing out on anything more than hook-ups, because all men want is the vagina, and when they get it they are out and done with you. Get used to rejection honey, because even the pretty ones get it. And you will feel it more than the ugly people do because you will only attract **** with your looks. Quality is attracted with your personality, not your pretty body or your pretty face. 

Good luck to you.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Direct your husband to TAM, for when he needs to post about whether or not his wife is cheating on him with her co-worker.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

OP, 
Most of the time people start seeing faults, and unattractiveness in their spouses when they are infatuated with someone else. You do not have to tell us your situation, but, do not kid yourself if this is the case that you won't regret it later. You were attracted to him before, which is why most of us question of there is someone else. I don't think that attraction to our partners ends so abruptly.

I do agree with the others that you were not "too young" I think you are looking for excuses. As many have pointed our the grass is not greener, you may be disappointed. However, you should not be in a loveless marriage. If you truly do not love your husband leave him, he deserves better.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's great to berate op for being shallow and making a commitment, but the fact is that she's not attracted to him and doesn't love him all that much. So clearly the best thing to do is honor her commitment and continue to be repulsed by him, suck it up enough to have a few kids with him and eventually she won't be able to fake it and 15 years down the road he'll be in a sexless marriage with a wife that was never attracted to him and kids to worry about. Sounds great right? I thought so.

You don't have any kids; end this and both of you find a better match. The comments about him finding someone else are probably true but so what? He's clearly not the guy for you and he deserves love, so I hope he does. Just end it now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cochise (May 8, 2014)

Wow, this is similar to the situation that I am in. Everyone is jumping on you, but I think people need to realize that the world is a more complicated place now than it was 20 or 30 years ago. For better or for worse it takes people longer to grow up and to grow into themselves. It was a lot easier for people to find someone to be with back when interracial dating was frowned upon by the majority of society -which btw was still well into the '90s, when a "mixed marriage" was a catholic and a protestant, when women were expected to stay at home, etc. Also, notice she got engaged in college. Let's not pretend that college life is the same as living out on your own, working, having a career, etc. Yeah, you pay bills and have some responsibility in college, but it's not nearly the same as after you graduate. Additionally, the type of people you are surrounded by is completely different, and thus your experiences are quite different. I had a roommate whose parents paid for his tuition, they gave him money for gas, they gave him money for food, everything. I had loans for undergrad and paid for food, etc. by working. If you live in a small college town the entire world revolves around that college. Things can be very different in college than they are once you graduate.

My wife has been consistently putting on weight since we got engaged, about 30 pounds after a year or 2. That's certainly no deal breaker for me, but I do in a sense feel like I was sold one thing and got another. I can also understand how it can be frustrating, when you work out a lot, and you're around other people who live the same kind of lifestyle. Likewise, there's no one specifically that Im interested in other than my wife. I don't even talk to other women and yet my interest in my wife and our chemistry is lacking (though physical chemistry was always lacking).

Have you talked to him about possibly working out with you or with friends? Sometimes it helps to be positive about it. If he ever does go to the gym, just go over the top crazy about it. It may encourage him to go more often.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been feeling like this about your husband?

You should probably leave him. No one deserves to have a spouse who finds them repulsive. He deserves a lot better than that.

Finding him repulsive is reason enough to leave. Just find a way to tell him that you are leaving that does not put him down. The fault is all on you. Not being harsh here. It's true. He is still the guy you married. Its you who has changed.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Do you think you CAN be attracted to him again? Spoken with him about going to the gym with you? Perhaps commenting how hot he'd be with a little definition and asking him to go see a personal trainer would get him moving. If that were resolved, would that be good enough? 

The grass is usually not greener. Everyone comes with their own set of drawbacks. The next guy might be built better but hardly be home because he's at the gym or hanging out with the guys. See if you can work with what you have for a while and focus on him, quality time and your marriage. 

If you still feel this way after 6 months or a year, do him a favor and divorce before you have children and while you are both young enough to start over. And do it kindly.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

If you are not in love with your husband the time to let him go I think. I do believe that just as people can fall in love they can fall out of love. People are not static we are constantly changing whether we like it or not.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

elouise11 said:


> At the time if our engagement, my whole life was a whirlwind with a very stressful job, moving, buying a house, etc. there was one period of time during our engagement that I considered calling it off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This part jumped out at me.

Were there things that you noticed about him that you weren't too fond of before this time?

It sounds like you didn't call off the engagement because things were so hectic for you that you wanted to have a little stability and you found it in him during this time. And because you wanted to keep some stability, you looked over things that might have been deal breakers for you.


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

I am sorry that you are in the situation that you believe you are in. First let me say that the ages of your husband and yourself is not an issue. My wife and I were only 19 and 21 when we married and that was --- 52 years ago. Marriage is not a "Walk in the Park" so it does take a lot of work --- on BOTH parties to make it happen.

We were both each others "first" but realistically, there has been always a thought of what it would be like with others; a thought is all it ever was. My wife had always been a loving (in bed and out) and I have tried to be the same.

I cannot believe that she at one time or another maybe felt less loving towards me but we have never let marriage challenges get in the way of our closeness.

I agree with others, if you cannot --- rather will not accept your husband as he is then do him a favor and leave --- soon. Remember, as others have said "The grass IS NOT greener" on the other side. Yes, it may be initially exciting but why not put the effort into your current marriage; it could really be more exciting than a new fling! Take care.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

elouise11 said:


> I'm looking for some thoughts and feedback. My husband and I got married fairly young. I was 23 and he was 24. We got engaged right before I graduated college. We've been married for almost 2 years now. My thoughts now are that I got married at too young of an age before experiencing life on my own. At the time if our engagement, my whole life was a whirlwind with a very stressful job, moving, buying a house, etc. there was one period of time during our engagement that I considered calling it off. I ended up reconsidering and am now wishing I would have listened to my gut. My husband is a great guy. He's nice, very loyal, hard working, and we have the same values. My problem is that I really do not feel attracted to him anymore nor go I really enjoy his company. He tends to be pessimistic and we don't really challenge each other or make each other better. He is very happy in our marriage and tells me all the time how happy he is to have me while* I find myself ashamed to introduce him as my husband and actually repulsed by his naked body.* I realize this might seem shallow. I'm feeling so angry with myself and frustrated for making a lifelong decision at such a young age. I am really torn between honoring the commitment I made in marrying him and getting out now while I'm young and before kids. To the people who have been married longer, do you have and advice?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I won't jump your sh1t like some people. But that says it all. Get out before you have kids. Staying married isn't fair for either of you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to have an honest talk with him and explain how you feel. You owe him that much. Then see what happens.

Also read up about PEA chemicals. You've been together long enough for any 'romantic' feelings to have disappeared and be left just with each other.


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