# I need a mans perspective



## Workingwifemama (Apr 19, 2016)

I've been married for 6 years. When we got engaged I asked my husband to quit the job he hated to follow his dreams because I didn't want a miserable spouse who hates their job. I'm a business owner and I took care of all the financial things. He tried businesses, tried to go back to school and all the while I worked and took care of everything. We now have a 3 years old. He has finally settled on being a day trader. We've spent a lot of money for him to learn this craft and he's still learning. He hasn't been able to earn a real income yet. I work part time and keep my child during the day so that he can trade from home. 4-5 days a week I wake up at 6 feed her get her ready to either do outside activities, or a open my business and run around until about 12. I come home, make dinner early and head off to work at 2:30 until i get off at 9 pm. I'm tired and my husband complains that I don't give him energetic sex. 
Here's are the issues. #1, My husband wants to be the breadwinner, but since I am, he also wants a domestic wife. So I'm to be a seductress in the bedroom regularly, cook and clean regularly, and be a mother and entrepreneur. Is that even possible? When I'm driving to work at 2:30 pm while he and the baby are taking naps, I have to keep myself from falling asleep at wheel some days. #2, I have other dreams and passions related to growing my business and doing some other things that I love , but because they cost money to start he's against me doing them. He feels that I just need to continue waiting for him to start earning all this money, then at that time I can do other things. Meanwhile in seeing opportunities pass me by. When I do press the issue it puts considerable strains on our marriage. He wants me to keep this same routine , take care of the house Etc. Until he gets going. When I try and pursue anything outside of that, he says it disrupts things and that's the reason his business isn't thriving. So when i pursue my dreams, it damages is ability to be successful. I've been doing this since 2009. I'm at my breaking point. It seems like he uses any reason to say that I'm the reason for his failings. Yesterday he made s bad trade and he blamed me for not making him breakfast and therefore he couldn't concentrate. Or if I ask him to watch our child on a sunday so that I can work some extra hours, he'll say that's why the trade went bad, because he didn't have enough time to study. I'm trying here. It's not as if I'm hanging out or spending money of extravagant shoes. I'm looking to re invest in my business. He doesn't respect what i do or bring to the table. He feel that it's ok for now, but what he's doing reigns supreme and I need to forget about my goals and rally around him 100%. Just work toward seeing his business flourish and drop everything else. I truly believe that he's insecure about his place in life right now, I think he's disappointed in himself and he chooses to take it out on me because I'm here. I also feel like he's jealous of the success I've had In my business, and in some way wants to make sure that I know who's in charge. 
What do you guys think about this? How do I make this marriage work? I don't disrespect him, he does all the yelling. I think he's angry. And this is what I DIDNT want! I wanted a happy spouse who was fulfilled in his life. any insight from a mans perspective would be greatly appreciated.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

His full time job is to gamble in the stock market?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

he just an angry person. he's most likely never going to change into someone who is positive.

time to get him to get a real job. day trading is risky business. hope you don't have to bail him out when he fails.


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## Workingwifemama (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes, his full time business is trading the markets.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Gambler does not = breadwinner. Seems like it is time to grow up.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You have two children. He was where he needed to be...in a real job with adult supervision, few risks, and probably little responsibility. Not everyone is Captain material. Someone has to row and swab the deck. Men who need their wife's permission to pursue a career or need their wife to make a bowl of oatmeal before they can function are not leaders. Folks who consistently blame others for their failures aren't leaders. Those people need to be swabbing the deck, complaining but functioning. I do a little online trading. Sometimes I make money, sometimes I lose but the decision to buy or sell is my own. Never occurred to me to blame the wife because I didn't get a pop tart. Leaders make history, whiners make excuses.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Day trading used to be a great career 20 years ago before everyone else got into the game...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Workingwifemama said:


> Yes, his full time business is trading the markets.


So you and he think he can make good money doing this? How is it working so far?

And even if the money is good, is it worth the stress on him or you?

Many professional fund managers to do not beat the market indices.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

If I were in your shoes I would try one of two options. 

Either require him to have a business plan with a timeframe for him to reach a nominated level of profitability. (The idea being to have a clear measure of whether he is succeeding). He needs to demonstrate increasing profitability at an acceptable trajectory to justify the potential of the business. Otherwise, why does he believe it is going to get better?

Or divide up the earning and domestic duties to a an agreed 50/50 split. He is free to meet his half of responsibilities however he sees fit, but he no longer gets to have you carry the can for everything.

Next time I mess up at work, I must explain to my boss that it's because my wife didn't do a good enough job on my breakfast. Nice change from "the dog ate my homework".


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Wazza said:


> Next time I mess up at work, I must explain to my boss that it's because my wife didn't do a good enough job on my breakfast.


That is so awesomely funny, but sadly so appropriate to OP's situation.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

This was from Nasdaq's website:

"The long list of successful investors that have become legends in their own time does not include a single individual that built his or her reputation by day trading. Even Michael Steinhardt, who made his fortune trading in time horizons ranging from 30 minutes to 30 days, claimed to take a long-term perspective on his investment decisions. From an economic perspective, *many professional money managers and financial advisors shy away from day trading, arguing that the reward simply does not justify the risk.*"

OP, concern the risk to your marriage as well as the financial risk.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You two are obviously going to have to sit down and talk about this. The marriage is pretty much going to damand that daytrading stops. You can't make a steady income that would keep a family going from a job that involves that much risk. This has made you not only have to take care of household chores but made pretty much all the money and you can't keep up this pace.


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## Workingwifemama (Apr 19, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> This was from Nasdaq's website:
> 
> "The long list of successful investors that have become legends in their own time does not include a single individual that built his or her reputation by day trading. Even Michael Steinhardt, who made his fortune trading in time horizons ranging from 30 minutes to 30 days, claimed to take a long-term perspective on his investment decisions. From an economic perspective, *many professional money managers and financial advisors shy away from day trading, arguing that the reward simply does not justify the risk.*"
> 
> OP, concern the risk to your marriage as well as the financial risk.





jb02157 said:


> You two are obviously going to have to sit down and talk about this. The marriage is pretty much going to damand that daytrading stops. You can't make a steady income that would keep a family going from a job that involves that much risk. This has made you not only have to take care of household chores but made pretty much all the money and you can't keep up this pace.





blueinbr said:


> This was from Nasdaq's website:
> 
> "The long list of successful investors that have become legends in their own time does not include a single individual that built his or her reputation by day trading. Even Michael Steinhardt, who made his fortune trading in time horizons ranging from 30 minutes to 30 days, claimed to take a long-term perspective on his investment decisions. From an economic perspective, *many professional money managers and financial advisors shy away from day trading, arguing that the reward simply does not justify the risk.*"
> 
> OP, concern the risk to your marriage as well as the financial risk.


Maybe I over generalized what he does a bit. So he trades futures and commodities. And he uses all these charts and analyses to figure out what and when to trade. It all sound good, but then again I'm in a totally different field. Anyway, I really didn't want to be the nagging *****y stereotypical wife who says "get out there and bring home the bacon" I truly want him to be fulfilled in this life. And I want the same thing. He's also very conservative with what he trades. Almost afraid to make a mistake. It's completely stressful. We don't have hedge fund money. And he doesn't ever really pull the trigger. When he gets overwhelmed, he'll say he needs to go back and study some more. That usually takes months. He compares this process to getting a Ph.D.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Workingwifemama said:


> Maybe I over generalized what he does a bit. So he trades futures and commodities. And he uses all these charts and analyses to figure out what and when to trade. It all sound good, but then again I'm in a totally different field. Anyway, I really didn't want to be the nagging *****y stereotypical wife who says "get out there and bring home the bacon" I truly want him to be fulfilled in this life. And I want the same thing. He's also *very conservative *with what he trades. *Almost afraid to make a mistake*. It's* completely stressful*. We don't have hedge fund money. And he *doesn't ever really pull the trigger.* When he *gets overwhelmed,* he'll say he *needs to go back and study some more.* That usually *takes months*. He compares this process to getting a Ph.D.


I know exactly what he is doing. It seems his personality - getting stressed over losses, studying to death etc - is not conducive to day trading. I would be doing exactly what your H is doing and would react the same way. That is why I am not a day trader. 

All the items in BOLD are NOT the traits of a day trader. 

OP, finances aside, whether he wins or loses in the market, this does not seem good for your marriage. Can you weather this situation and his reaction for another two years? Plus you doing all the household work too? He can ALWAYS claim he needs to study more and therefore has an excuse for not doing the 50/50 household work.


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## Workingwifemama (Apr 19, 2016)

He tells me that I don't respect him or what he's trying to build and establish for us. That I'm impatient and my impatience is not allowing him to flourish. He tells me that because he's not the breadwinner, I don't respect him. He feels like the wife. I think that I'm the antithesis of the hands on the hips finger waving wife. I'm a live and live type of person. I definitely don't like to be blamed like I'm the cause of my husbands failures. The other person was right in saying that leaders don't blame others for their mistakes. I could put all my other wants on hold for I don't know how long, and he may or may not realize the dream he has. Let's say he does, those opportunities I missed out on will still have been missed and I would have been stifled the entire time. Let's say the opposite happens and it's all for naught, I will then be resentful and filled with hatred. I'm just trying to find a solution because I really do love my husband, and I want to be his biggest supporter.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Why did you decide to marry a careerless bum? And then start making babies before he established a stable career? Start making better choices.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

OP, let's assume that over the next 2-3 years your husband does not make much money day trading. What then?


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## Workingwifemama (Apr 19, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> Why did you decide to marry a careerless bum? And then start making babies before he established a stable career? Start making better choices.


Well, I can answer that question. He has 2 graduate degrees and worked as a university professor as well as worked for the irs. So if you'd read my first post thoroughly, you would have understood what I said about him being miserable at that government agency for years. I offered to give him the opportunity to start his own business and follow his dreams. So to further clarify, he was not a "career less bum when we got married" and I truly believed in and supported his vision.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Ok, so why did you decide to start making babies with him, while he is dabbling in working as a "gambler"? I think you got what you wanted, now you don't want what you got. You can't spend "vision" on diapers.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

He is in a field where he needs 3 things:

1. A fast mind
2. Brass Balls
3. Deep Pockets

From what you have written -he does not posses these things. If a hiccup sends him back to the books for extended periods of time...he isn't trading...he isn't earning...he is going bankrupt on the slow train. 

Sit him down and find out what his actual strategy is...they all have them. If he can't answer quickly with a actual plan backed up by his research...he doesn't have one. 

You are going to have to ask yourself how long you want to be his mommy.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

How exposed is your family financial position to any losses he might make?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_Leeson 

I have to say, two post grad degrees seems like a reasonable education start, and his struggles with settling into other jobs, to me, suggests a problem of attitude. As adults, we all have to do our duty sometimes.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Workingwifemama said:


> Well, I can answer that question. He has 2 graduate degrees and worked as a university professor as well as worked for the irs.





MarriedDude said:


> He is in a field where he needs 3 things:
> 
> 1. A fast mind
> 2. Brass Balls
> ...


 @MarriedDude is dead right on this.

IMO You have a VERY difficult situation here. If your husband does not make money, he will blame you and spend even less time with your child. If he does hit a few good stocks, he will be hooked and keep chasing to do that again and will be very frustrated when it does not happen. He is basically gambling with your money.

This is ALL about his ego. He does not want to do housework because then he would just be a SAHD. No income plus housework = SADH and his ego will not allow that. This is not about "following his dream". It's about his ego. 

Is there any way he with his skills can help you expand your business? That is the only thing I can think of to get you and him out of this mess, other than him to quit the day trading. If he does that he will consider himself a failure.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

You said you wanted him to follow his dream, and apparently his dream is to dabble in the market (which might take years to start earning money, if ever) while you take care of everything else. So what's the problem?


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Workingwifemama said:


> He has 2 graduate degrees and worked as a university professor as well as worked for the irs. So if you'd read my first post thoroughly, you would have understood what I said about him being miserable at that government agency for years.


So he hated the IRS gig. I can see that. Though sometimes (often?) we work at jobs we dislike because we have greater responsibilities.

But what about getting back into academia, even on a part-time/adjunct basis? Adjunct work can be pretty thankless, but there are fulltime tenure-track and non tenure-track paths as well. Is that an option he'd consider?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Depending on your field and track record like publications, research, etc, academia is far more brutal...


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## MikeTO (Aug 18, 2016)

Workingwifemama said:


> Yes, his full time business is trading the markets.


I really hate to break your bubble but he's wasting his time. We are already in another recession. The stock markets will crash. Don't believe me? Look at the low interest rates. There is a huge housing, student loans and car loan bubbles. 

He needs to get a real job, trading stock is foolish right now and very few people can make trading stocks.


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## NoIinThreesome (Nov 6, 2007)

I feel qualified to answer this as I've been a trader for 20 years and member of 3 exchanges. First, the odds of any individual being successful are very small. Something like %70 of individual accounts are closed within the first year and %90 within 3 years. Unless he's a member of an exchange, commissions will eat away at most of his gains and he will most likely lose small amounts of money every day until he has no more to lose. 

As others have said, you need to ask him for a business plan, exactly as you would if he wanted to open up a dry cleaners. How much do you need to start? What are your monthly expenses? How much to you forecast making over the next year? And, lastly, if your forecasts don't turn out to be accurate at what point will you close the business? Also know that depending on his clearing firm and the software he's using, his losses may be greater than the money in his account. At that point he may have to tap household savings in order to pay his debt.

One final point, you mentioned after losses he needs to go back and spend months researching....there's about 1000 hedge funds that have the computing power to do that research in a matter of moments. I'm not sure what he thinks he's going to find poring over past price charts.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The OP has long since left the building. But since a thread from April has been brought back for some odd reason, just reading it made me chuckle.

Her loser husband needs to take a NAP at 2:30 in the* afternoon* when their kid is napping while the wife is driving to work? Good Christ, what a waste of skin this guy is. He's utterly and completely worthless.

Good luck being the pack mule and breadwinner, OP. Along with being responsible for every *single *thing inside and outside the house, all the child rearing, paying the bills, cooking, cleaning, and laundry, you've got a grown CHILD to raise on *top* of it. And said grown child is whining that after ALL the work you do on a daily basis, you just don''t have the energy to swing from a chandelier and be a sex kitten for him because HE'S all rested up from his daily naps and doing NOTHING, and he's ready to go.

LOL. What a complete LOSER.


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