# How do I teach my 4 year old son to share toys and food with other kids



## jacqueNR (6 mo ago)

He does share food and toys sometimes but when it comes to his favourite ones he will be very mad and rude, really embarrassing and we ended up with tears..


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

How old is he?


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> How old is he?


Four!


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

My son just turned 5, as an only child (he has older half brothers but we’re talking 20+ years older) it was important to me to instill this skill young. 

we still have hiccups but it usually to another child not sharing and he doesn’t understand why they won’t because it’s so easy for him to. It’s pretty amazing to watch.
I would start by explaining it’s kind to share with friends. Sharing doesn’t mean the the friend is going to keep the toy. They will take a turn and the. They will share back. It’s also important to explain waiting for the child to hand the toy over after your child has asked their friend for a turn. It’s not “can I please have a turn..” and then your child takes the toy from the child who has it. And that’s a hard thing to do, so one step at a time. I find it helpful to do this exercise with the kids together, not just your own child.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

jacqueNR said:


> He does share food and toys sometimes but when it comes to his favourite ones he will be very mad and rude, really embarrassing and we ended up with tears..





Rayr44 said:


> Four!


Are you using two different profiles? Because I think I've seen you do this with a third profile in another thread, and it's against the rules of TAM. You need to pick ONE profile, and use that one only.


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

What? I only have one profile.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Rayr44 said:


> What? I only have one profile.


The how do you know how old the OP's son is?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> The how do you know how old the OP's son is?


The age is in the title of post?


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

Did you read the title? It’s not rocket science, is it?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Rayr44 said:


> Did you read the title? It’s not rocket science, is it?


Well, MY MISTAKE then.


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

All good. No issues here.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Well, I'm 42 and I don't like to share my favorite stuff with anyone! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I won't force him to share his favorite things. Kids get attached to toys for a reason. They are objects that provide security and calmness. Some have security blankets, others have security toys. I had a security blanket as a child. My 11 year old daughter has a little stuffed animal. 

You can ask him why he doesn't want to share. You can try and see if he can share for a few minutes, letting him know the other kids are not going to leave and take the toy with them. It's a process and every child is different. As an only child, this process can be harder because it's only him at home. 

Does your child go to Pre-K? Does he get to play with other children his age? 

Once they start school things would get better because Pre-K teaches them to be social and generous with others.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why are you asking your 4 year old to share his food? Maybe read some books about child development and go from there...


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Why are you asking your 4 year old to share his food? Maybe read some books about child development and go from there...


I agree sharing food is odd?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

pastasauce79 said:


> Well, I'm 42 and I don't like to share my favorite stuff with anyone!


I'm with you on that one. I don't share my wife and I don't share my bourbon with anyone who thinks it tastes the same as Old Crow.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Tell him a story, make up one. Use your imagination. He won't understand otherwise.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

A good way to start is by sharing your self and having him see it, and emphasized it. 

For example, you see your partner eating something and say, oh that looks good, can I try it? And then he will see the interaction as a pleasant one. And say “thanks for sharing”. 
Kids are like sponges, they see us interact and put together what’s “normal” by how we act. 

4 is a tough age. Regardless, he shouldn’t be getting so upset that he hits.


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

Sharing is caring!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

What do you mean by sharing? Is he expected to give up a toy he's playing with, I would teach him to say, "I'm playing with this right now." He shouldn't be expected to stop playing with something so someone else can have it. I don't believe in taking turns with a toy.

Put away his special toys before guests arrive. 

If he's having trouble sharing the toys he's not playing with, talk to him in advance about how playing with others works. When guest arrive, briefly recap what you taught him earlier and help him establish sharing. Check in before a fight and reinforce your teaching.

Children need help in learning to manage their emotions and to establish appropriate boundaries. This is the foundation of relationships. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## jacqueNR (6 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Why are you asking your 4 year old to share his food? Maybe read some books about child development and go from there...


I meant sharing a pack of crisps / a bag of sweets..


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## jacqueNR (6 mo ago)

Girl_power said:


> A good way to start is by sharing your self and having him see it, and emphasized it.
> 
> For example, you see your partner eating something and say, oh that looks good, can I try it? And then he will see the interaction as a pleasant one. And say “thanks for sharing”.
> Kids are like sponges, they see us interact and put together what’s “normal” by how we act.
> ...



yes I agreed, me and my partner sharing food all the time and we always ask nicely and being very polite, then he copies us trying to share his food with us ( not all the time lol)


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## jacqueNR (6 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> What do you mean by sharing? Is he expected to give up a toy he's playing with, I would teach him to say, "I'm playing with this right now." He shouldn't be expected to stop playing with something so someone else can have it. I don't believe in taking turns with a toy.
> 
> Put away his special toys before guests arrive.
> 
> ...


I explained to him it's very kind and nice if you share your toys with another kid and its fun to play together, I would join in sometimes and show both of them how to play nicely, but when my son insists on not sharing I would just bring out another toy to distract both of them.


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## jacqueNR (6 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> My son just turned 5, as an only child (he has older half brothers but we’re talking 20+ years older) it was important to me to instill this skill young.
> 
> we still have hiccups but it usually to another child not sharing and he doesn’t understand why they won’t because it’s so easy for him to. It’s pretty amazing to watch.
> I would start by explaining it’s kind to share with friends. Sharing doesn’t mean the the friend is going to keep the toy. They will take a turn and the. They will share back. It’s also important to explain waiting for the child to hand the toy over after your child has asked their friend for a turn. It’s not “can I please have a turn..” and then your child takes the toy from the child who has it. And that’s a hard thing to do, so one step at a time. I find it helpful to do this exercise with the kids together, not just your own child.


yes I always explain to my son that sharing doesn't mean they take away the toy and not give it back, but I guess its a tough age..


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

jacqueNR said:


> I meant sharing a pack of crisps / a bag of sweets..


I wouldn't give a snack bag to a child when they have a guest. I would distribute the snack to each child.
If this is in a group setting, do you bring enough to share? Are other children also sharing their snacks or is your child expected to give up his snacks where other children don't reciprocate? 

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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't think a 4 year old should have to share a bag of snack with another child. Give each their own serving. 

I'm an adult and I'm not very interested in sharing an individual size snack bag of chips or something, either.


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## pereverzevart (1 mo ago)

Hello! 
Do it in a playful way. Find an approach, because it is still small and the impact on it has a big role. At this time, of course, you need to allow everything, but you need to know the line when the child crosses it. But if he has developed a sense of "this is mine", then this is also wonderful. So he already knows that it can not be given away. Otherwise, in the older age, they will offend him, take away what belongs by right to him. Worksheets for kindergarten helped us at one time https:// wunderkiddy.com/category/worksheets .We used them to tell us how to do the right thing and how not to. And it was all in a playful way, so in the future it did not bring problems.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's up to you to teach them empathy and kindness. There was a very interesting Yale study maybe 10 years ago or more and the conclusion was that babies and young children are not born good. They are born selfish. They also are more drawn to those who like what they do such as a certain food, even as babies, but that doesn't make them want to share with them. 

They are only going to be good if the parent teaches them to be good and nice and have manners and have empathy, and you only have a few years to get that instilled in them because their brains are forming and once they are passed about seven you have missed a window in which they are easier to influence. 

The basic rule for teaching humans and animals is to only reward good behavior and never reward bad behavior. Sometimes that just means withdrawing your attention and not rewarding them with attention when they're not being nice. Because attention is the great commodity children want. Of course that does not mean you ignore a crying baby that you have not checked to make sure doesn't have a viable pressing need aside from just wanting attention first.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Yeah, i'd say

- show him, don't tell him

- but he also needs to have some things that are HIS that he does NOT have to share.


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