# We used to



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

We used to have a future, right now we have an existence and I truly don't know if it will ever be anything more.

Said to my wife during one of "those" conversations tonight

Needless to say it wasn't the happiest of talks, more of a clear the air type of thing. Can't wait to see what tomorrow holds.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Just ouch.
For you.
Peace.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I remember a year ago, she texted you that she was grateful you didn't leave her. Is she still transparent and doing the heavy lifting? Do you think you're in False R? Has she reverted back to her ways? Seems like the talk didn't go so well. 

The thing is, it's still eating you up all the time. She's a serial cheater and this last affair was OM#4 that you know of. It almost seems like you're finally giving up on R.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

love=pain said:


> We used to have a future, right now we have an existence and I truly don't know if it will ever be anything more.
> 
> Said to my wife during one of "those" conversations tonight
> 
> Needless to say it wasn't the happiest of talks, more of a clear the air type of thing. Can't wait to see what tomorrow holds.


You need to ask yourself if you can see your wife with you in 1 year, 5 years, etc.

*

Remember, you don't owe her anything. Every day you stay with her after D'Day is a gift, not a promise!!!

*

Never is to late to quit R, never too old to search happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheWon% (Jul 30, 2014)

My heart goes out to you man. May piece and happiness find you....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"We used to have a future, right now we have an existence and I truly don't know if it will ever be anything more."

This is what mt grandparents had for 50+ years after my grandmothers A's (including n A child)....existence interspersed with frequent episodes of anger and distance...LOTS of dysfunction in the entire family, including clashes between m mom and aunt (A child).

It should have never happened...the M should have ended after
the A's.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I can feel for you. 

For me, finding out about the A after 20 years has really muddied the waters. The fact she reformed and has been faithful and stable ever since makes leaving seem too extreme. Yet I can't get over it, and don't feel the same.

Sometimes the path is way clearer than others. Anytime an A is involved, it can just strangle the life out of a marriage, though.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I remember a year ago, she texted you that she was grateful you didn't leave her. Is she still transparent and doing the heavy lifting? Do you think you're in False R? Has she reverted back to her ways? Seems like the talk didn't go so well.
> She is still faithful and transparent, heavy lifting to me is a unicorn (hear about it, talk about it but never truly see it, at least how some others have described it). As for our conversation well most of the time talking about her infidelity and it's aftermath to my life and our marriage is never cake and candy. We don't yell or argue it's just a quiet talk to clear out our heads, my head is just a bit more polluted that's all.
> 
> The thing is, it's still eating you up all the time. She's a serial cheater and this last affair was OM#4 that you know of. It almost seems like you're finally giving up on R.Not giving up on R just redefining some parameters and trying to be honest with my feelings, she understands and tries to express how sorry she is. As for the self devouring of my soul good days/ bad days it is a part of my life I am still trying to process





Suspecting2014 said:


> You need to ask yourself if you can see your wife with you in 1 year, 5 years, etc.
> Well that was why I said what I said, for now I find it easier to keep life in the here and now my long term plans don't go much further than the next 6 months, not even sure other than some family trips, or business stuff if it's that far out.
> 
> *
> ...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Would you agree that it almost seems like you're in limbo and not True R?


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Would you agree that it almost seems like you're in limbo and not True R?


Sure, anytime you are unsure about taking the path in front of you and you don't move in any direction let's call it neutral.

Self doubt whether to stay or go is always a question in the mind of the BS, the history, love, family obligations weighed against the hurt and the desire for happiness, those issues being so closely intertwined and sometimes on both sides of the scale can be maddening causing so much internal turmoil.

Being in true R, well much of my marriage has returned to where it has always been(at least in my mind) we get along very well(except for those long conversations, again we don't argue just a sensitive topic) we spend a lot of time together (dates, gym, get a ways etc.) active sex life, active parenting.
Those things alone do not make up a successful R there is much more work to do, we both know that.

Many times the responses to threads I have started or other threads here keep me thinking, updating my outlook on this topic and my marriage.

I wonder if I am not ready to engage in reconciliation, this neutral is still the mourning period and until I can move past this phase I will(or we will) be where we are now, not moving in any direction just existing.
Can this period go on forever? I don't know I have posted here before that I am unsure if I need to be head over heels in love with her to stay here. I guess until I figure out what I really need and what I am prepared to give to her and vise versa we will continue in

P R* N* D 1 2 3


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

L=P,

So why do you stay at this point ?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

LOVE=

If you stay 're only way to make 're relationship a fair one is for it to now be an open one for you and a closed one for her. Sounds like you can't accept that either.


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