# Is it him or me? (lengthy-ish)



## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

We were best friends in the beginning, now it feels like we don't know eachother at all. We've somehow reached a stage where we either don't talk about anything other than the mundane or were just arguing and blaming eachother. 

We've got a young son together and recently marred. We've been together for over 2 years with no breaks in between. I want nothing more than for us to all be a happy faimly. It just feels like I do all the hard stuff and he does just the bare minimum. He does cook more often than I and pays majority of the bills when they are due; sometimes later if finances are scarce. 

I feed and bathe our son and put him to bed most nights. He does cook majority of the time and I clean. Everything. laundry, pick up the house, dishes, bathrooms. From the moment I get off of work until it's done. Meanwhile, squeezing in dinner for our son and bathing him, getting him ready for bed; all after working a 9-hour day. He does spend time with our son, but it seems like only to play and goof around. This past weekend he actually took him out running the town while I caught a movie with my sister. It was a nice time. I am in no way battering his parenting skills; he is a good father and loves our boy.

My thoughts are scrambled in my head, but I'm trying to order them in a way that a normal human being can understand... It's almost as if he assumes hardly any adult responsibility in our relationship. He says I can talk to him no matter what. But when i do it just sparks an arguement. He feels I'm not affectionate enough. Which I agree with. But at the end of the day when work is done, chores are done and baby is sleeping, im so frustrated from doing it all by myself that i don't even have the desire to be intimate with him. I don't want him to help me clean, I want him to pick up after himself - like an adult - so that i don't have piles of dishes and piles of laundry to do everyday. I have told him this, in not as many words, and nothing has changed. I feel like I'm the only parent/adult in this relationship. He feels just the opposite.

His mood changes with the direction of the wind and I don't always know how to deal with it. And when I stay silent, or tell him i don't know what to say, he feels im 'disconnected' and pushing him away. He makes me feel like I don't belong in my own family sometimes. When he's real heated he dares me with 'there's the door' and it just makes me sad... I'm starting to resent him; how do I reverse this feeling?? Am I wrong?


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## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

I read recently how positive reinforcement can help with almost relationship. Try making a big deal when he actually does do something around the house (if he ever does it) and not riding him about how doesn't do something. He'll be more likely to repeat the good behavior if he's recognized for it. Same goes for children, bosses, etc. We teach people how to treat us. 
For the record, his saying things like "there's the door" are unacceptable examples of behavior. You may love each other, but that doesn't mean you accept unacceptable behavior. 
Try designating specific jobs for each of you. Sit down together and say that you'd like to divvy up the responsibilities of running the household. Make a chore jar. Put all your chores on a seperate pieces of paper and each of you draw an even number. From now on, those are your own jobs. I know that sounds trite, but if you haven't tried it then it might just help. I find it's important to let my husband know exactly what my needs are, and for him to express his needs likewise. That doesn't necessarily mean they'll always be met, but it could prevent future resentments. If he's not aware what your needs are then how could he possibly meet them. However, as I said above, people respond more to positive behavior than nagging/complaining. Ignore his laziness for a whille, and then shower him with accolades when he does something good. He'll see how important that was to you and it may help you both define your common values together.


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## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

Thank you, Merry. My house has been a mess for about a week because I just don't have the energy. He washed ONE item of clothing last night and that was because he needed it for work this morning. After he started the washer he said "i put my thing in there if you want to put some other stuff in" I was already in bed and I said "why didn't you just throw anything rom the huge pile in there?" He told me he didn't know how I washed clothes so he didn't want to ruin anything and "You keep making excuses for me TO DO it and I don't feel like it" half laughing. And it just irritated me SO bad... he was RIGHT there and it would have taken only seconds. Granted his stuff gets pretty rank from what he does and there's all kinds of chemicals, but the nerve he had talking like that! Grr, but trying to be a good wife and work on our sex problem - I made an effort and it was much appreciated. baby steps i guess.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I don't have any answers for you, but wanted you to know that people are reading - you aren't alone.

How old are you guys? Reminds me a little of our early years - but we didn't have a child right away. He sounds immature, and you sound very mature. Sometimes those differences can compliment each other - and other times you'll drive each other insane.

You haven't been married too long - has he changed, become more immature?


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## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

Thank you, nice. That is reassuring.

He will be 25 this year and I will be 23. We used to compliment eachother, but it seems like since I became pregnant, he is just changing almost everyday - he does less and less FOR the family, other than support us. Sometimes I feel so alone it breaks my heart, and sometimes my heart couldn't be more full. And I never know how to talk to him or what to say because it always blows up right in my face. I've almost given up that whole fight.

I have told him about the books that have been suggested and bought one today. He is open to reading them and doing whatever it takes to help. I just hope he will receptive to the information and stop blaming me for all of our problems. He feels like he doesn't do anything wrong other than the way he talks to me sometimes.

There hasn't really been a 'change' just some momnets of clarity. I'm giving anything a try. I know it will take patience, which I have, but I'm still cautions of his.. reaction to the steps and advice/knowledge that come from the books and whtever else we try.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm 37 and have two daughters - oldest is 10. From my perspective, you guys are a couple of "kids."

Except that you actually HAVE a kid - which means you have to be adults.

I remember those early years - the first 2 or 3 - of marriage being difficult. Our fights were long and always escalated to include things we'd done to each other years ago. We would both take little things far too personally.

And becoming a parent is hard too. You guys have been dealing with two of the biggest challenges of your adult lives. 

Sounds like you are growing up while he's maybe avoiding things a bit?

A lot of this sounds normal - its just amplified because you are young parents.

Not sure what to say - maybe he'll start growing up soon, or maybe not. Keep your requests specific and try to stick to the issue at hand when you argue.

Maybe you need to go to more movies with your sister?


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## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

I feel like THE adult; like I have two children, one is just much older. 

I hope he really is serious about "whatever might help" else I don't know what to do. 

He mentions I need more time with friends/family other than him and our boy. I have mentioned times that I have set up but I think the movie with my sister was the only thing I have done while HE had our son all to himself. He actually had both boys. He and a friend took them out and spent a few hours with them. After they were done doing that, He decided they were going to go out and I was left at home with our son. He texted me something about sex when he got home and I just replied "already half asleep" I was so pissed. I get a couple hours and you get a whole night out??! I don't remember whatever came of that. I don't think there was an arguement. I just get fed up.


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