# "Lost the spark" - is it normal?



## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

I've been married for less than a year and yesterday, my husband text me and told me that I should start looking for somewhere else to stay.

I asked him why and he tried to pick a fight with me, so I left him alone after a few hours and then called him. He said he lost his spark for me, that he only married me so he could see our child all the time, and that he never truly loved me. He said that I was always cranky and mean (I suffer from depression but I'm unmedicated because I'm uninsured) and over the last couple months, he's felt emotionally disconnected and he's lost his spark for me.

I told him that its not uncommon for spouces to lose that spark every once in a while. It'll happen time and time again through a long term marriage (even though we've only been married 11 months). We've been together for 5 years so it had to happen sooner or later. I also admit to him that even though his sex drive was UP, mine was down, but that will fix itself in time too and had nothing to do with him. 

I also told him, and he knows this, that I suffer from bad depression. He says he can't take my moodiness and crankiness anymore. So, I told him to give me a couple days to get in to see a doctor so I can be medicated. He loved the way I was when I was medicated...I guess I just forgot how much of an extra weight my depression really is on other people. So I'm putting myself back on meds.

My question is...am I way off my rocker when I'm telling him that it'll pass? I told him the first year of marriage is the hardest and once we get through it, it'll be better. I told him marriage was through thick and thin, and I was willing to help him get his spark back. I told him that its not uncommon to lose your spark a couple times during the duration of your marriage...but the important part is that you try and rekindle it, you don't give up on me.

I really hope I'm not grasping at straws and theres some truth to my words. He says he's just not happy and his spark was gone, and my depression was too much. So...I'm trying to fix it for him. I also told him that I wasn't signing any divorce papers. I'm confident we can get through this. He's not so sure though.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I am concerned more about your husband than you - because he is so willing to throw away a 5 year relationship (and doing it through text).

Do you think it is possible that your husband has problems with commitment/intimacy? 

What has HE done to get the spark back? Why does it fall solely on your shoulders? 

It is good you are going back on AD meds if they will help you, but your husband has known you for 5 years, so he knew what he was marrying. It is his responsibility to communicate with you about issues when they arise so you can both work on them, not tell you to look for a new place. Also, why do YOU have to look for a new place? What about him?

You don't seem angry at him for blaming everything on you. But both people are responsible for the marriage, so your husband has some accountability too.

This may not be the case, but often guys who are cheating say they have lost the spark...it is a way for them to validate their cheating. This may not be the case, but it would not be uncommon.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

Are things salvageable? I don't know. Only you know how badly you behave around him, and if his complaint is even valid. People can be quite nasty to each other. So here is my question to you. How badly has your depression darkened the mood in your home? Has your behavior been bad enough to make a reasonable person separate from you? Be honest

I'm sorry, I forgot to answer your question. Me and the wife have been married for 15 years. I find things go in cycles. Few years happy, Few years neutral, then about a year of hard work trying to rekindle intimacy. In my opinion the first year of marriage tends to be cushioned by fantasy, great expectations, and the fog of togetherness. In my experience its unusual for things to tarnish so quickly. Hard work by both parties can cause great improvements. Do you two ever go out as adults? Dates, Etc?


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

I just got off the phone with my mother inlaw. I asked her if I should back off or if I should put more effort into things. She said not to back off, to rekindle that flame any way I knew how. So I text him and told him not to plan anything on Saturday because I was going to do something special for him. I guess he had already made plans with a friend of his though.

I feel that its my fault for not returning his affection. He was very affectionate towards me over the past couple weeks and I've kind of felt a little smothered by it, even though I know I shouldn't have. Its hard for me to get motivated to do chores like dishes or laundry, and when I do them, I have a hard time finishing them. I kind of withdrawl into my depression and even though I wish I could do something (go to the movies or out for a hike), I just don't. Though when I'm medicated, I'm more out going, active and generally happy all around. I do put a lot of blame on my depression. I sometimes hate myself too much, and I don't think I hide it very well.

I told him it was going to be hard work and he can't flake on me now. I told him I could fix it, just give me a littl time...and he should have come to me before the "crisis" stage, where I could have been more productive and before he felt like giving up.

He did cheat on me 2 months after we were married. Apparently he's never had contact with her since then though, and I believe him because we went through a transparency stage where he showed me everything, and continues to do so if I ask (which is rare these days).

I do think he may have a problem with commitment, but I'm not ready to let him give up just yet. I almost feel as if I'm fighting a losing battle and I'm too stubborn to just let it go. I just love him so much...I can't let us crumble without a fight. He refuses to go see any form of councelor, so I'm his best chance at working through this.

We've rarely gone out on dates. We haven't had a baby-sitter until just recently when I found one and could start a part time job. We've been out on 2 or 3 dates through the whole year due to money issues and a lack of baby-sitters. When we do go out, we have fun though. 

He's always been one to get bored and restless very quick. A year to him is an eternity, it doesn't matter if anything good or bad is happening. A month to him seems to take forever...he's constantly in a state of impatience...for what, I'm not sure. So it kind of does't surprise me that its not been a year yet and he's itching for a change or for something to happen.

Maybe he is cheating. I tried to get the entire truth out of him last night, but I think there may be something he's not telling me. Our sex life is pretty good though...so I don't know.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

Doesn't sound to me like your that bad. Just a bit flaky, but most women are these days. Try to clean up a bit and try your best. 

Good luck.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

He says he's giving me 2 weeks to change his mind...and if he isn't convinced in 2 weeks then I get the boot.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

JazzTango2Step said:


> He says he's giving me 2 weeks to change his mind...and if he isn't convinced in 2 weeks then I get the boot.


O.M.G.
He cheated on you 2 months after marriage.
You have depression.
He texted you that there is no 'spark' and you have to move out.
He gave you 2 weeks to change, and based on WHAT criteria.
What a lazy man.
Next he will want you to put on a poodle suit and jump through hoops so you cna lick a tiny little bone. (Pun intended.)

I don't think you're seeing the big picture here because the fear of abandonment is making you cross-eyed. He's got you so off-balance with this issue and that issue and defending yourself and proving yourself that you haven't got time or energy or balance to realize that he's full of it.

Yes, I think he does have a personality disorder.
Get meds by all means if they help you energize and you know that this will be the outcome. But, also see if you can get individual therapy.

It's concerning that he thinks there is money for child support and divorce but no money for babysitter? And for you to get what you need in the relationship, i.e. medical care, there has to be a crisis? He cheated and refuses counseling? You trust him to look after you and your marriage? 

Love yourself as much as you love him and see what happens. 

If he's cheating then that's his issue.
You have better things to do than to look for alternate housing.
You have a kid and yourself you're responsible for.
He married you, so he can move out and continue to pay rent and support while HE moves on if that is what he is supposed to do. Tell him a marriage of convenience (so he can see his child, and I can't believe he said that to you!!!!!) for him deserves a divorce of convenience for you. Act like you're not lifting a finger but of course go to the state and get paperwork for child support and so forth...so you have it ready...all the financials that you will need for that and any public support (food stamps, medical care for child, etc.) you would end up needing in the short term...child care, and a job (with benefits). 

BTDT.

He might love you, but he has issues and he is not dealing with them. If he doesn't then I can't see that things would improve even if you put loads of work into individual therapy. 

How did you two decide to have a child? His idea or yours? 
I noticed that after my H's cheating and lying he decided that he could 'accept the consequences' if I were to become pregnant. He decided this all on his own after a very lengthy discussion about always using protection and him getting a vasectomy. It is sad but some men use pregnancy and childbirth as a way to control women when they think they have behaved so badly that the woman will leave. In any case, I like babies and once they arrive, well, there they are, for whatever reason! Might as well enjoy them and to me, parenting is a completely different and separate ballgame than a marriage, though in the best case they do overlap, but it's not completely necessary.

I'd put child first, then you, then your H.
Don't spend loads of time jumping through hoops for your H.
You know why.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

!!! Wow!!! Homemaker excellent post.

Jazz please take this excellent advice. I don't think you will find a better description of the reality of your life at this point. The list of priorities that she provided is priceless and in you and your childs best interest. 

This man is evicting the principal caretaker and his own helpless child. There is no concern for their safety or well-being . This is not the sort of man that is worthy of your love or attension. He has treated you and your baby with careless disregard. 

Please clear your head and get well. Your self and baby -protective instincts seem to be asleep with regard to this man, please wake them up and you will recognize the wisdom of Homemakers post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Next he will be asking for a paternity test.
Just to further set you off balance.
:-|


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

For one thing, contact 

Prescription Assistance Program |

And similar programs for financial assistance for prescription drugs. You may qualify for reduced price or free prescriptions. There are other programs as well you can ask a doctor about. 

Second, he cheated on you. What kind of man abandons a sick wife for his putana? If he's got all this time to mess around with tramps, tell him to get a second job to pay for your healthcare.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Homemaker Numero Uno - YOU NAILED IT!

To the OP - listen to what she is saying!!!!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> Homemaker Numero Uno - YOU NAILED IT!
> 
> To the OP - listen to what she is saying!!!!


I have to listen to myself too - when I don't particularly want to.


Which is easier to do because my H is on the other side of the world. We'll see how well I put my money where my mouth is when he's back.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JazzTango2Step said:


> I've been married for less than a year and yesterday, my husband text me and told me that I should start looking for somewhere else to stay.
> 
> I asked him why and he tried to pick a fight with me, so I left him alone after a few hours and then called him. He said he lost his spark for me, that he only married me so he could see our child all the time, and that he never truly loved me. He said that I was always cranky and mean (I suffer from depression but I'm unmedicated because I'm uninsured) and over the last couple months, he's felt emotionally disconnected and he's lost his spark for me.


Walk away from this man now. He is gone so treat him as such.
He tells you via text to find somewhere to stay? What a d!ck! 

He wants out, he should be the one to go. Tell him that today when you talk to him. Tell him he can have his divorce but you're not moving in order to placate him.

When someone tells you tehy are leaving, you open up the door for them. DO not find them on what they want. It has the opposite effect. Think about if you dumped someone and they kept clinging for dear life. It would make you cringe.

Accept his decision and move on. File for child support.

Oh and he cheated 2 months into the marriage? That should have told you everything you needed to know.

Get tested for STDs.


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