# Stages of grief



## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Any tips on moving through the stages of grief when your spouse has decided it's over and you're just not there yet? 

I'm dancing around anger now... With a dash of denial.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Just let the emotions happen, you need to go through them to move on. I can tell you yesterday i was mad and then i felt sorry for him and ended up talking to my H which i know now i should not have done. The mad is good, i always feel stronger when i am mad at him.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks, Thjor. I truly appreciate your response. I'm just so overwhelmed by how many emotions I've gone through in the past few weeks. We aren't fighting... We are actually talking a great deal. But I am wrapping my head around the fact that no amount of talking will change where we are headed. And I'm angry that I didn't get to be a part of that decision. And hurt. And it's hard.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Bothtoonice said:


> Any tips on moving through the stages of grief when your spouse has decided it's over and you're just not there yet?
> 
> I'm dancing around anger now... With a dash of denial.


Have you shared your full story?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Let's see if this works...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...eady-but-may-not-have-choice.html#post5715994


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Bothtoonice said:


> Let's see if this works...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...eady-but-may-not-have-choice.html#post5715994


Is he cheating currently?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

He denies that there is anyone else. Our situation is such that he could be and I wouldn't know, so I have to trust him. If he is, I'm not sure what he would have to lose by being honest with me about that at this point.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Sounds like you need to start the 180. The no contact helps believe me. Some days are harder than others but overall it will help.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I'll need to spend more time learning about the 180 and gathering the strength to do that. It's very unlike me. I'm not a pushover, but I am a helper, so it is very contrary to my nature. Not to mention that it gives the appearance that I'm ok with where we are headed, when that is clearly not how I feel. 

I appreciate the advice though, and will take it to heart, difficult as it may be. 

I need all the advice and support I can get.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Bothtoonice said:


> I'll need to spend more time learning about the 180 and gathering the strength to do that. It's very unlike me. I'm not a pushover, but I am a helper, so it is very contrary to my nature. Not to mention that it gives the appearance that I'm ok with where we are headed, when that is clearly not how I feel.
> 
> I appreciate the advice though, and will take it to heart, difficult as it may be.
> 
> I need all the advice and support I can get.



I'm very similar so it's been tough for me to do the 180 (and still struggle with parts) however I quickly realised that what I was doing before wasn't getting me anywhere so decided to give it a shot. 

I don't want divorce, I want to opposite but the 180 has helped me feel much stronger & in control plus I've seen positive changes in my H attitude towards the situation (only small but better than nothing!).

Read up, it's worth it. Sorry your going through this


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks so much...it really means so much to know that I'm not alone. 

Especially on a day like today when I feel very, very much alone.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I just had a friend look at the 180 rules. She agreed that it would be pretty unlike me, but she put it into perspective for me. If I implement even some of them and can not care what he thinks about it, the benefit could go a couple of ways. Either I am stronger and more preapered when we split, or I am stronger and prepared to decide what _I_ want in the event he should decide to notice what he'd be missing. 

I just have to figure out the balance of how to not do it in the hopes that it would be the latter. That seems to be the tricky part.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

What do you have to loose by giving it a try. Worst case scenario is that nothing will change... It will most definitely help you feel stronger, to begin with I was doing it mainly to win my H back and slowly the balance has tipped and now I'm doing it mainly for me. 

Have you read "Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner Davis? It's worth a read too & is where the 180 originates from, it also shares other tips & techniques on saving your marriage.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I'll check that book out, thanks. I'll take any tips I can at this point! 

The 180 stuff is hard. Not giving him a hug goodnight for the first time on 20 years is one of the toughest things I have ever done. I just got up the other night and said I was going to bed and goodnight. Granted, I went to bed and softly cried myself to sleep, but...

I am working to do what's best for me. I took a big step today and told a friend. She's not someone I've known for many years, but we connect well, and I spend a lot of time with her. It felt like the right thing to do. We haven't been telling people in our day to day lives, but I decided this past week that I didn't choose this, so why should I be fully protecting him? I need someone I see on a regular basis and who cares about me to know what's going on with me. 

And I'm glad I did. 

Baby steps, right?


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

My children are younger so we protected them as much as poss from what was going on in the beginning but I told quite a few friends/family quickly as I needed their support really - every situation is different I suppose and it depends on the circumstances of the break up, if you need to support then reach out for it & don't go without to protect him as that's not fair.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

The 180 stuff is hard. Especially when we are in the same house. It sucks to miss someone who is right in front of you. There are many days when I see very little of him, and the alone time is hard, too. I'm starting to question which is worse!

I know it gets easier... Just venting.


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

I don't have any tips for you, I am in the same boat. this has all happened to me in the last 3 days. I find anger to be the easiest. at least when I am angry about having no choice in losing my H and marriage, I can focus on things, instead of staring vacantly at nothing.
It all starts with baby steps.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Its really hard, today I have to organis e a photo shoot for my house to get it on the market.

I know how you feel. Hang in there I wish you the best


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Sucks to know that so many of us are in the same boat, but at the same time, it's nice to not be alone.

I should have a therapy appt before the week is out, so hopefully that will help get me on the right path. The hardest part is how to deal with how we are approaching this-knowing the end result, but living in limbo with that for a pretty long time. It will be hard, but it is the smartest thing for us to do financially right now. But it makes going to family gatherings and the like very, very hard. I hope I like the therapist I will see. I am anxious to get started.

Hope you are all doing as well as you can be today.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

I too am trying the 180 but I keep slipping. My wife said she decided to,leave because I kept digging her about her relationship and making fun of her AP. SHE CALLED IT CIRCLE TALK, when I would try to get her to admit that she was still communicating.
Yesterday we were cordial she even cried to me and said she missed our conversations. She was thinking about stopping by to see our son. Meanwhile her partner keeps telling her that American men kill their ex wives. He is from Israel.
So I got po and sent her this text now I think I pushed her away because well you decide: I told her she's putting her partner before her son, because she told me that she could not see her son because her partner would go stir crazy waiting for her ( they are living in hotels)!

Wife : I would never put anyone before him! I will call him later. 
ME : he figured in his own mind that you did he told me he was looking forward to seeing you!
This can't be you are going to push him away for the needs of a 53 year old man!
He thinks it's because of Mr. Israel, You are going to loose Your 15 year old son, you already lost your 21 year old son to this! and it won't be good for Him, Maybe the best thing to do is to not disappoint him anymore so except for when I travel or you and I need to meet you might want to not make any commitments to Him until XXXX returns to Israel . 
Wife: NO! I disagree with you. Today was only tentative and you know it. What's the gameplan 4 tomorrow? I plan 2 go 2 the gym in early morning, then moving 2 a new location. I can stop by tomorrow instead to see him, maybe when u are food shopping or something...
Me : Ok . Please keep in mind I am defending you. I only expressed what our son said , and remember you said to me that he would go crazy in the hotel. Well that's not My or our sons problem.
It's been 30+ days since you left and he's seen you three times. He would not feel this way if he did not love and need you!
Ok so I usually get to the gym around 7:30 and then go food shopping. I will adjust my plans so you can see Him. I can go to the gym a little later etc. Just let me know.
This FEAR of me needs to end. It must for us to move forward. I need to sit with you about finances. Based on current estimates we are under water on the house. There is a good chance that as part of YOUR plan to split they will make us sell the house. 
I don't want to text about this it's private between you and me.

You keep moving around like a fugitive . Be honest with me did you sign the lease before the attorneys met with us?
We really really have to discuss this stuff about the house etc...this is real life stuff not a Hollywood Romance Movie. We are goin to be in financial pain for a few years. 
I care for my children and you and your relationship with them over my own needs and just want what's best for everyone.

Wife never replied, never called,,,,,not even her son!


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Too Sad.... Life should be easier and more fair... My thoughts are with you


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

SteveK said:


> I too am trying the 180 but I keep slipping. My wife said she decided to,leave because I kept digging her about her relationship and making fun of her AP. SHE CALLED IT CIRCLE TALK, when I would try to get her to admit that she was still communicating.
> Yesterday we were cordial she even cried to me and said she missed our conversations. She was thinking about stopping by to see our son. Meanwhile her partner keeps telling her that American men kill their ex wives. He is from Israel.
> So I got po and sent her this text now I think I pushed her away because well you decide: I told her she's putting her partner before her son, because she told me that she could not see her son because her partner would go stir crazy waiting for her ( they are living in hotels)!
> 
> ...


she called this morning. said she fell to sleep at 7;30 PM..I believer her because her dolt headed OM has retarted hours and drinks 30 cups of java a day!! Another one hour call with her sobbing. we are going to meet for coffee after she and OM move to new hotel. old place was a dive. he should just go home and let her come home for in-house separation.

I hate this, even my therapist says I should never take her back ...I do not know what to do


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm a little confused about why you are concerned about pushing her away when she is living in a hotel with the OM. I am so sorry you are going though this and that she is making things so difficult for you and your children. I would think the 180 would be a little easier to initiate in your situation, as it seems she is making her choice. I'm so sorry.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

TooNice said:


> Please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm a little confused about why you are concerned about pushing her away when she is living in a hotel with the OM. I am so sorry you are going though this and that she is making things so difficult for you and your children. I would think the 180 would be a little easier to initiate in your situation, as it seems she is making her choice. I'm so sorry.


I agree. It's just that I am so in love with her it's disgusting after what she has done to me and my family.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

You deserve to be treated with respect and to to be loved. If she's not giving that, she doesn't deserve your love.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

TooNice said:


> I'll check that book out, thanks. I'll take any tips I can at this point!
> 
> The 180 stuff is hard. Not giving him a hug goodnight for the first time on 20 years is one of the toughest things I have ever done. I just got up the other night and said I was going to bed and goodnight. Granted, I went to bed and softly cried myself to sleep, but...
> 
> ...


TooNice, 

you read my stuff and you know my story, you have been married longer and I know exactly how you feel. But do the 180.... it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. He wants to leave you anyways right? so prep yourself for it by loving yourself!! 

We can do it together if you want. I have had hard time doing it myself.


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