# She cheated...He Cheated...We both lost



## excuseme (Dec 1, 2009)

FACTS​I believe that our sexual Identity was never exposed or explained prior to the marriage. We are both products of sexual abuse which has impacted our views on sex. He is over sexed and I can detach emotionally & physically. My views of sex are dutiful at times so I detach. His views are, sex shows the level of Love for him. My first sexual experience was at the age of 3 (I only know the age because of the place we lived by a "LOVED ONE"). His first exposure to sex was at the age of 7 performed on him also by a "LOVED ONE". The early exposure and then the suppression of the abuse is currently impacting us both. Three years into the marriage I did not want to perform oral sex nor have it done for me. His prior relationship which was very dysfunctional and highly sexually driven was based on deviant behavior (he was sleeping with a female relative and she was in Love with him) he broke the relationship of and began dating other women until he graduated from medical school. He met me during his residency and things took off so fast that we never took a moment to ask the deeper questions. We married after dating for more than 5 years and things where typical for both of our schedules. The sex was not an issue for me because he never made it an issue. Oral sex was a huge issue for us he loves to give it and misses receiving it. I don 't want to give or receive it. His earlier experiences encompassed this act. It became an issue 3 years into the marriage, I was frustrated and so was he. We had a mutual friend over and she thought is was so comical that I did not do that and asked me why is such a big deal. I explained I did not feel comfortable with my skills or lack there of. She then gave me some tips and showed me some techniques to try. I tried them and I did not find pleasure nor did he. Another six months went by and during a party we had that mutual friend over, she asked how'd things work out and she gave me a gag gift with a little book about oral pleasures. Later that evening when all the guest left we'd all been drinking. She asked me did I want her to show me how. She then used a dill pickle from the fridge and my husband came into the kitchen and was shocked by our activity. I explained she was just trying to show me some tips. He shook his head and went back to our room. She was very good from the looks of it, so I told her to give me a moment I'd needed to go check on my husband. I went in the room and he was watching a Porno flick. I told him to let me try some of her tips. I was doing my best but just found it to be annoying and awkward. I was in the room for about 20 mins and she tapped on the door and opened to tell us she was leaving. "I" asked her if she would take a moment and watch me to see what I am doing wrong. She was very accommodating she explain that I was holding it wrong and all kinds of things. I kept trying and so finally I did the ultimate boundary breaker I asked her to show me on him and she did. She did a very good job and he certainly did enjoy it. I could not see myself swallowing that and doing the things she did with such joy. His prior relationship this activity was common practice. He was thankful yet he was under the impression that I would now understand how happy that made him and I would try to practice and get to the point of incorporating it into our love making. I never did, part of the issue is because 3 of my uncles throughout my childhood would do these things to me. So I think the mental block was there. Our friend became a normal treat for him so I would not have too. I should have been jealous but I was not. We moved away and the pressure was back on me. I was now 33 and still no children for us. I did videos with him and everything outside of things that made the memories trigger. We finally had our baby when I turned 35. My sex drive was never high, but the baby made it non-existent. My husband is plastic surgeon, he never has had crazy work hours until I got pregnant. He began doing the botox parties and surprisingly backed off sexually. I was elated because I had issues with the pregnancy and delivery. I was paralyzed for the first 2 months after the birth. My husband was so kind and helpful. I thought all was well. Until one night I woke by the baby monitor, hearing my husband and my nurse in heated love making session. I guess she forgot the baby monitor was on. I was using a walker at the time and dont know how I got down the stairs as fast as I did. I walked in on them and he asked "Honey what are you doing down here?" I was in a state of shocked because he was so casual with it. I walked out of the room and sat on the sofa. He took what seemed like 5 minutes to come out of the room. We went back to the guest room and he told me he sorry that I had to see that and hope I did not think it was anything more than a lay. :scratchhead: i blamed myself because I allowed this prior behavior. I told him I was hurt and disappointed. He promised this would not happen ever again. Well I went back to work, one of the nurses told me that my husband had been a hellcat while I was away. One pharm rep was in the office every 2 weeks. Long story he finally broke down and told me hed had slept with more than 50 woman during our marriage and he was an addict. We'd gone through counseling with a peer in the field. Things got better then he slipped up again. Please keep in mind he was introduced to sex very early. I never cheated until one day I found myself tempted and excited by a man who was also married. I engaged in some heavy petting an oral activity. Why? Because it seemed a natural course of action. Well I ended up having an EA. My husband found out and went crazy. He said he was going to tell his wife. I was confused by his rage. He told me that I knew that he was working through a mental illness and how could I? He went through depression. He began placing spies on my computer. Reading my text messages, following me ect. Things I never did. I ended up have 2 affairs and he knows about both. He has to medicate himself to deal with it. That is what he tells me. I am 350% sure he will see the post because he has a remote spy on this computer. I really think that we need to divorce so he can be happy without feeling the pain of my affairs.
I did not do this to hurt him or for vengeance. I still speak with one of my ex's and my hubsand speaks a few of his. My conversations are due to the fact I have to deal with them in our industry for business. 
My conclusion leads me to think we are both toxic


----------



## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

Overall, it sounds like you have a very broken marriage that has much deeper issues because of your histories of sexual abuse.

Only you know if it is worth saving. If the good that is left is enough to motivate you to fix the problems.

In my (far from expert) opinion it might take more drastic measures than just couples therapy to rebuild - you might need to separate while he gets treatment (intensive outpatient or even inpatient) for his sex addiction. If it was drugs or gambling they would say that he would need to be "clean" for you to be in a relationship, and this really is no different. Maybe after time apart, with BOTH of you in intensive counseling, can you come back to the table as whole people. Right now you both sound too broken individually to fix your broken relationship.

The one thing that bothered me about your post was this:

"I really think that we need to divorce so he can be happy without feeling the pain of my affairs."

You have had 2 affairs, and he has had 50, and you think you're the one causing him pain and that he deserves to be free of it? Really? Cheating is cheating but 50 is a lot different than 2, sex addiction or not. I understand your guilt but come on. I think you need to step away so you can get some perspective on the situation.


----------



## excuseme (Dec 1, 2009)

NightOwl said:


> Overall, it sounds like you have a very broken marriage that has much deeper issues because of your histories of sexual abuse.
> 
> Only you know if it is worth saving. If the good that is left is enough to motivate you to fix the problems.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## excuseme (Dec 1, 2009)

People have different coping skills. I thought I was coping fine. I just know that my emotional attachment remains. I have not seen the man. I have spoken on occasion. I can't change the past and I am not willing to change county clubs, grocery stores, or where we live. I know I need counsel...mental & spiritual. The number of partners that men can have tends to be greater. Not that I was having a contest. I feel so bad that I enjoyed my experience. I wanted to feel bad. I just didn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

