# Long. Does one sided counceling help with separation?



## JoshGib (Sep 23, 2010)

My background.. Mid thirties, relationship of seven years with four plus of those in marriage, three children ranging from nb through seven years old. Business professional who has supported his wife's desire to be a sahm. My wife has been pushing for divorce and up until now I have fought the idea. I'm tired of feeling like I'm working so hard only to be resented. Everything is an expectation and Im seen as unexceptional through all of my efforts. 

I recently started reading a book on how to save your marriage, and it's message is to stop trying. If your spouse wants a divorce, fight your desire to disagree and give them what they think they want. Be agreeable and accommodating. If what you want is in opposition of what your partner wants you will never get what you want. Stop defending yourself. You've tried defending yourself, you've tried expressing your love, and it has gotten you nothing but more hurt.

My wife brought up divorce again last week and I told her while I would like to work it out, I agree that we can't live like this. What's next? She has no job, no family near to live with. She mentioned moving out of the state to get employment, but how do I agree with something like this? Not having my kids! I'm from a divorce and know how it destroys the relationship between father and child. I'm so lost. 

I'm not a psychologist and have no clinical training, but I do feel like I can see when someone sees reality in a self destructive manor. Is this being opinionated, to believe that what reality I see is more accurate than the way someone sees their own reality? Is it making excuses for a perceived threat to tell the victim maybe they're not looking at a situation correctly? This is what is making me question my sanity.

You see my wife has exhibited signs of depression and low self esteem since we met, and by listening to her this goes back beyond when we met. She's beautiful, intelligent, kind to strangers and I have called her personality that of gravity. A warm sweet pull that makes you feel grounded and secure.But! If you stick around and are close enough to this source of gravity it begins to feel like a black hole. 

This black hole has left me questioning if reality as I perceive it is true or just a place filled with feelings, opinions and thoughts that can only be justified through my eyes. I ask, do you trust the insight of a person who you see as being depressed and having low self esteem? Someone who throws in your face that they never loved you and only ever got into the relationship because they felt you would make a good father for their daughter? Am I to look for insight into my part in my wife's unhappiness, or should I look for self preservation?

I thought that I could bring stability through hard work, being a good father, being responsible and helping to remove financial burdens. No love, but only anger has come from my approach. My reliance on the idea that my happiness should be dependent on that of having a happy wife is a failure. Seven years of this now leaves me thinking I am the crazy one. Maybe it's my perception is the incorrect one. Having no one to talk to leaves me drowning.

My mood is now that of a depressed and angry person. I have no self confidence, no friends, no sense of accomplishment, only a vast emptiness and sadness I try to hide from my three children. Attempts to hide my growing anger are failing. This is evident in a recent outburst in which I called my wife a crazy f?!king b?!?h. This was my first breakdown of this type, and with great regret It was in front of our kids.

This is why I now question my sanity.. Where do I turn.. I don't dare talk to my family, or acquaintances that I share with my wife. I think a councilor won't do any good because it's a one sided story. One sided stories always only tell half of any situation. I see stories about people divorcing and there is always a spin for opinions to go to one party. I now feel there are two sides to every story. Who knows what pushes someone to do something that others would think inexcusable, I say maybe there is a reason.

I write all of this to say does counceling work even if only one person attends. Should I question my sanity based on input of someone I see as unstable? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? 

If you took the time to read this.. Thank you. If you have intelligent insight please share.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Your situation is some what of a mirror of my own. Been married 12yrs, together 18. My H is 11 yrs older. Last few years I have grown distant from him. The economy has sucked the life out of his 25yrs of hard work. He was very independent, strong willed. Last few years as we have grown, suffered loss of one child only to be blessed with another, as we have grown it seems I've become the more independent financial strong one and he the one to need me, per say. By couseling, I have been 'diagnosed' with moderate depression and anxiety. My H severe depression and anxiety. The 4 together...not a great combo. I started very low self esteem after daughter was born. He gets furious I smile brighter and glow when someone other than him tells me I"m pretty. The whole depression it's self is an ugly black hole that I'm learning only we ourselves can get out of. You cannot help your wife with that part. I know, my H has tried months and has put himself in tail spin trying. One thing I am learning is if I cannot be happy with myself, my marriage will never survive. At some point, you need to worry about you. I'm good at dishing this all out, yet torcher self with guilt and blame and do nothing to fix it. It's easy to suggest to someone what you yourself need to do. Counseling does not need to be one sided. You do it for you. My H won't go. I went for self. Quit to spite him becauase he felt he didn't need only I did. I regret quiting. Go for you, so you can learn or figure out how to feel better for you and for your kids. I have 6yr old and she is at age and smart enough to pick up on a lot of emotions between H and I. I do not want that. In event we do not make it happily ever after, I want us to be able to still be the best parents to her working together civil and at same goal so she knows she is loved unconditionally regardless of living arrangments. We all tick different ways and at different levels. For me, I crawl in that black hole not wanting to come out. Cry and hide from world. My H, gets made, yells, even at one point throws things. He hates I don't argue. I use to but mentally drained me and just cannot anymore. My lack of self esteem, having no friends other than his friends, makes me distance from him. I somewhat take out on him I have no social relationships. He didn't force me not too, I chose to for him to put him on pedestal, make him feel most important thing in life. Which he should be..but I lost my own life and identity along way and now regret some choices. The bigger problem of choice, is can I learn to be happy by continueing or not? It's not a rash decision to be made. Counseling can take months. People are misconceived after week or two should be 'healed'. You didn't get these feelings and be this way in a few days. It has built over time. Just like gaining weight. I didn't gain it over night and I certainly will not get it off over night. Although would be rather nice.  Try counseling. For you.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

JoshGib said:


> My background.. Mid thirties, relationship of seven years with four plus of those in marriage, three children ranging from nb through seven years old. Business professional who has supported his wife's desire to be a sahm. My wife has been pushing for divorce and up until now I have fought the idea. I'm tired of feeling like I'm working so hard only to be resented. Everything is an expectation and Im seen as unexceptional through all of my efforts.
> 
> I recently started reading a book on how to save your marriage, and it's message is to stop trying. If your spouse wants a divorce, fight your desire to disagree and give them what they think they want. Be agreeable and accommodating. If what you want is in opposition of what your partner wants you will never get what you want. Stop defending yourself. You've tried defending yourself, you've tried expressing your love, and it has gotten you nothing but more hurt.
> 
> ...



...." I ask, do you trust the insight of a person who you see as being depressed and having low self esteem? Someone who throws in your face that they never loved you and only ever got into the relationship because they felt you would make a good father for their daughter?..."

I think it will be a waste working hard trying to make your wife love you while she has no problem telling you he/she never loved you . BTW are you sure there isn't another man in picture ? Most of the times in these kind of scenarios there is an external influence.

Best of luck


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

I would go in to counseling. It will help you sort out all your thoughts, draw up boundaries you can adhere to, and keep you from dwelling on singular events too long. Also, when you are having these doubts about your own sanity, it's really hard to see clearly - you'll muddle things together and all of a sudden, the vision is really blurry.

A counselor can help you sort things out for yourself. 

It's true that it's tough to assign blame or a diagnosis to another person when they aren't present - that part isn't going to be useful in counseling. However, she may go a time or two, which would be very helpful, and you can also sort out how YOU treat the situation. Regardless of her. You can make yourself a better man for yourself and your kids, and worry later about your wife.

As far as her threats to take the kids out of state... YIKES! Don't let her, if you can help it! Seems terrible for you and the kids.


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