# New here in coping stage



## ken7572 (Jul 14, 2014)

I just found this page last night. I'm 42 married fifteen years June 12. But we were separated and living under the same roof for four years. We have a 14 year old son. We've wronged each other. I deprived him sexually(yes four years) and he was mentally abusive to me. It wasn't until I discovered he found a woman that I started to get upset. Upset that he wouldn't go to counseling when I wanted him to, upset with myself for not being more vocal about pushing him to, etc. Anyway he started seeing talking to her on Valentines Day and they met on Adult Friendfinder. I knew something was going on because he was withdrawing more as time went on. He did text me later in their relationship from their bed in the hotel room saying it wasn't too late and we could work on things. Due to medical issues, I didn't respond right away. I tend to get brain fogged. A week went by and he told her he was falling in love with her. I was like hmm a week would make a difference(told him last night I don't believe he was falling in love with her, he just felt rejected! ) Anyway I'm trying to make this short. There was a lot of confusion and stringing along as he ended up going to see her once to taste water from her new cooler. Yeah right! He was supposed to come home and plan our vacation with me. At one point he said sex wasn't good with me. I am not violent but I hit him. He said it in front of my older son and my older son got mad. Then I found texts on his cell phone from her, "I love you sweetie. " I went on a rampage, threw his clothes down for him to pack after he got off work on an overnight shift. Threw my rings at him, a glass of green tea, and planned a separation picture burning party. 

He made calls when he went to storage and was told I couldn't legally throw him out but he felt it was best to leave. I was relieved at the time because I knew I couldn't be around him if he continued to see her. He went to her place, I went to the bar. The drinking felt good that night but I became traumatized as the night went on. I had not been an emotional person until all of the stuff came up. I had talked to my husband as he was leaving and he talked as if he was going to come home but he didn't. I knew he was with her and it hurt me so much. An old school friend came to try to comfort me and it was sweet of him but I wanted my husband there instead. I just wanted him to choose me. He has now but this is very difficult for me to deal with. Last night, I made him delete his pictures of her. He was hesitant. She's moved on and active on her AFF again and he says that has helped him to move on seeing she has pretty fast. I'm trying not to do to him what he did to me from our first problem. Trying not to throw her in his face. He accused me of having the hots for a guy I didn't like in that way. That's a story in itself but it caused a forbidden fruit type of deal but I didn't cheat. I sensed this guy has a lot of infidelity issues himself. Anyway, being here and reading has helped. Unfortunately he is now having trouble sexually. I'm the one who used to have issues until I started taking Zumba classes. I'm sure the other woman thing has helped too. But he's becoming insecure because of it. I told him last last night I'm very insecure because he's put her on a pedestal. Oh well thanks for reading.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Who initiated the 4-year separation? What was your understanding during the separation (albeit under the same roof). Were you guys allowed to date others? Four years just seems like a long time to not move your marriage in one direction or the other. It sounds like you were ok with that arrangement, until he started dating the woman from online.

Sounds like you gave him an ultimatum, and he begrudgingly chose you, but you both have a lot of heavy lifting to do to get back to a healthy marriage.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm not sure if you're asking for advice or just venting.

But I'm going to give you some advice anyway. You are rug sweeping his affair. He's received no real consequences for cheating on you; and that's a recipe for disaster. You'll wind up being in a miserable false R and he'll be much more likely to cheat on you again.


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## ken7572 (Jul 14, 2014)

I pulled away from having been abused and accused of having the hots for the guy. He treated me as if I was cheating on him. Resorted to the very same spy tactics I did with this. He started slowly pulling away. This woman really stirred stuff up within me... The vows and all. I had grown hard but broke down when she came along. And just venting I guess. I made him get rid of his pictures of her. He's acting as if it's wrong. But I told him it's all making me insecure. I don't care about the pictures of his ex Gfs before me. But her.... No.


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## ken7572 (Jul 14, 2014)

And I really wasn't angry at the affair so much because of that. I was angrier at the fact that he strung me along a bit. Maybe because he preached on the sanctity of marriage for so long but didn't adhere to that. The problem is he doesn't like to fix things. Anything. In the house or emotionally.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Pretty messed up.
I suggest Marriage counseling.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> Pretty messed up.
> I suggest Marriage counseling.


:iagree:


In house separation - FOUR YEARS
He's mentally abusive
She's physically abusive
He has an affair 
She has an affair
Trying to R

What a mess.


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## ken7572 (Jul 14, 2014)

I guess my affair was emotional... But it was nothing until he made it more. With my issues, I wasn't able to do anything physical. I could now but will not. However, yes we need counseling bad.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

ken7572 said:


> I guess my affair was emotional... But it was nothing until he made it more. With my issues, I wasn't able to do anything physical. I could now but will not. However, yes we need counseling bad.


I think you are not telling us many details.

I think that "mentally abusive" is a catch all for "not doing what I wanted him to".

I think that, not only is there more to this, you are somehow seeking validation for something you know is wrong.

Having sex with someone other than your spouse is wrong. Having an emotional affair can be just as damaging.

Your marriage, however, was effectively over when the 4 year "separation" began.

If you want to remain married, you will have to start having sex with your husband and he will have to stop having sex with someone else.

Other than that, divorce and move on.

edit:/ I guess this sounds harsh, but your situation seems a mess and perhaps you both need that counseling really badly? 

I don't believe that you have accepted any responsibility for your actions in all of this. There might be a point of view that the one thing your husband did wrong is not to file for divorce, so at least when he had sex with another woman it was not cheating.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

FOUR YEARS of no sex? Can you really call them affairs?


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## ken7572 (Jul 14, 2014)

I have accepted responsibility but not outwardly so much. I cry about it and get mad at myself. Probably more mad at myself than I am at him.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## NoRush (Jul 14, 2014)

Withholding sex because you are legitimately not willing or able is one thing -- withholding sex out of spite or malice is bone-headed and cruel. If you hate your husband so much, you should have divorced him a long time ago to make both your lives easier. 

If you want to reconcile and don't want to do counseling, you and he should at least check out self-help books. You also NEED to formalize an agreement and having regular sex with him (give a number, e.g. at least once a week barring medical reasons) is an important part of that. You can also make it conditional on his behavior. Does he yell at you a lot? Yells at you = you do not have to hold your end of the bargain (but can still choose to -- STOP hanging sex over his head as a weapon).

You should NOT feel like you're having "obligation sex." You need to genuinely reconnect with him during your intimate moments. If you can't do that, then why reconcile?

Finally, quit casting blame on your past actions and start thinking about your FUTURE actions.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> In house separation - FOUR YEARS
> ...


I'm impressed. I stopped reading after the part about being legally separated while living in the same house for 4 years. I knew it couldn't get any better if I kept reading, and your concise summary tells me I was right about being presumptious.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> I'm impressed. I stopped reading after the part about being *legally separated while living in the same house for 4 years*. I knew it couldn't get any better if I kept reading, and your concise summary tells me I was right about being presumptious.


The OP has not said that they were legally separated.


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