# what are signs your spouse really dont want to divorce but is still closed off



## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Im asking this to see what kind of thoughts and ideas and advise comes from this question.
So my question is what signs should be there or should look for that your spouse really dont want a divorce or to move on with things??
I ask this cause in three months i have been kicked out she hasnt filed yet she says she is going to and now seems to be ok with other things that she wasnt when she set out on this path and didnt do anything about childsupport or anything else when she had the chance , so id like to hear what signs are there to look for that the spouse doesnt want the divorce or isnt sure it is what they may really want and why if they dont want it are they almost totally closed off to you ???


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

must have been a tough question or one people dont want to answer it seems i found something people dont have any thoughts on


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I don't have an answer...but you only gave people 12 minutes to comment. Be patient...I'm sure there are people out there with input....just not on the boards right now


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Many of us have seen that our spouses are confused and committed to leaving on the one hand and yet unwilling to do the hard work to make the transition happen on the other...honestly it is not a sign either way as I see it - is she someone who usually thinks about the details or does she leave that to you? Is this behaviour consistent with who she is?


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

K that is an excellent point. Even if my husband did change his mind he would never be willing to do the work to get there. That fits his role throughout the relationship. I say if she was the take charge type she would get the ball rolling but if its the other way around and you took care of buisiness she probably assumes you will do it all. No matter whose idea it was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Well that is a interesting post i have gotten so far the truth is i let her handle the things like bills and things like that , one of her things she didnt like but i felt i could trust her choices and always let her cause at the time it seemed like she liked to do it so i let it be that way 
But she also knows i can take charge at any given time and make things happen fast and can handle anything i set out to do so it is kinda of a toss up on this we both can but i let her unless i needed to do it for some reason otherwise she handled things and i was content trusting her choices but the rolls could have been reversed and i wouldnt have minded it being more us then one or the other and that too is something i think she wants and wanted , atleast now i do 
But the things that make me ask the question is this 
its been 3 months she started paying on the retainer back in oct then just stopped as far as i can tell 

she started talking to a mutual friend that lets me no things that she dont no i no and has started calling her to talk about things as well

she about a month ago reversed her choice and almost turned it on me as my fault that she wanted help with bills and such something she refused before saying she wanted to do it all on her own 

then there is the sudden change in her useing my money out of the bank account that she dont use at all no more till the other day when she use to feel odd or against useing it .

a while ago she was throughing away flowers i sent and now she puts them in a vase on her computer.

we talk more and most of them are good now 

she still is closed off to me in most ways but one day i did get her to answer one question on the phone and that was this 
i asked her down the road is there a chance we can work things out and she said honestly i dont no right now i cant say yes i cant say no . I responded with well atleast its not a no and that means im still in contention and she said yes i have been trying to tell you this for a while and i said well why couldnt you just be blunt with me like you were today ? got no answer on that lol but hey what ever 

So here i sit and there is lots more to it but those are some of the things i am seeing right now and wounder what the hell is going on through her mind or what to think about all these things or what , cause she didnt even go after childsupport when she had the chance to do so all though she gets more then enough now from me since im not a jerk and going to make it tough on her or the kids , that just isnt me


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

sorry I am finding your story a littel difficult to follow - if you get a chance post it - so that we can understand better...my H said I don't know for many months before he said no - never wants to hurt my feelings....just remember it is in her interest to keep you emotionally hooked in for as long as possible while she is making up her mind....sorry to be brutal


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

my story is posted but by now you probably would have to go to my page and find the threads there it is long and old and things go back and forth probably due to a push here and there on my part but and others that i cant control but its in here the hole thing , but the things in here are just some of the things that have me woundering and really im looking at that right now cause even she sees the changes in me but is scared to get hurt again and fears i could back slide into the old thing i had become over the last couple years , so i have to ask these things , and im fine with being emotionally hooked if she is thinking about things and being true for now but i will not give up on my family under no circumstances they deserve her and I to atleast try and i will try to do just that even if the road is alone for the most part


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

and this is a letter from morten fertel i got recently it hit me like a brick and kinda fits how i see things now with me and my wife but she isnt making no steps in either direction right now either.

Hi Benjamin,
A woman who just discovered that her husband
cheated on her for many years recently asked me a
great question.
She said, "My husband apologized 100 times,
stopped his affair, and is committed to being a
new man. I see he's changed. But wouldn't I be
better off divorcing him and starting fresh with
someone new?"Besides im scared of being hurt again.
I can understand her point of view.
Right now in her marriage there's so much pain,
baggage, and a mountain of hurt to heal. The same
is probably true in your marriage, whether the
issue is infidelity or something else like trust or verbal abuse.
Is it possible to come back once the trust is
broken? Benjamin, can you heal from your
ordeal? Or maybe it just makes sense to just
start over with someone else?
Most victims of infidelity (and other emotional
hardships) believe that they'll be safer in a
relationship with someone who never cheated on
them or hurt them. I completely understand this
FEELING. However, the OPPOSITE is most likely true.
In the case of the woman above, it appears that
her husband really changed. And I've seen many
people transform themselves after getting the "I
want a divorce" wake up call. Unless her husband
is a pathological liar or a sex addict, he's LESS
LIKELY to make the same mistake again compared to
someone whose track record is clean or only had a short
break in time from it once or twice before. In other
words, once a spouse learns their lesson, they're
LESS vulnerable to make the same mistake than
someone who's never erred in that way before.
According to a 1998 survey by researchers at the
University of Chicago, about 25 percent of
married men and 17 percent of married women in
the United States ADMIT to having been
unfaithful. The noted author Shirley Glass'
research suggests it is probably closer to 25
percent of women and 40 to 50 percent of men!
That means that starting from scratch gives the
above woman a 50% chance of finding another
husband who will be faithful.And if your spouse is 100%
faithful then you got something most do not get in life.
Now let me ask you this, at this point
in this woman's husband's life, given all he's
been through and learned, what are the chances
that he'll screw up again? If this woman gave him
another chance, what's the likelihood that he'd
make the same mistake that almost caused him to
lose his family years before? In my opinion, it's
dramatically less than 50%. In fact, I think it's
slim to none providing he has had enough time away
to actually see and understand im not talking one or two
weeks but a month or more so he reflects in a true manor..
Let me clarify that I'm talking in this case
about a man who truly transformed himself and
succeeded to prove that he's changed. I'm NOT
talking about someone who continually makes empty
promises.
If this woman were to leave her husband, I think
Las Vegas would give her LOWER odds that this
sort of thing would never happen to her again.
Here lies an unfortunate irony. People wait years
and years for their spouse to wake up and change
their ways. Then when they finally do it, they're
told it's too late.
I understand why someone would feel, after being
cheated on, for example, that "it's too late."
But the fact of the matter is that they're about
to walk away from a person who is FINALLY
prepared to be a wonderful loving spouse and might
be the one person they really do click with in life.
In my experience, it's these people, people who
have made serious mistakes, people who have had
the harshest wake up calls, who become the BEST
spouses and are capable, more than anyone else,
of forging the MOST fulfilling relationships.
Do you see the irony here?
The mistakes that ruin relationships are those
that transform the sinners into people capable of
the most outstanding relationships. The
unfortunate thing for the victim is that they
don't know how to heal from the hurt that would
enable them to reap the benefit of their ordeal.
So the roles become reversed. The person who was
ruining the relationship stands ready to
transform it; while the person who wanted to work
on the relationship all along becomes the cog in
the wheel that inhibits true love.
In other words, the woman above has a choice. If
she lets her husband go, he'll most likely fall
in love with another woman and treat her like a
queen. He'll be the husband to his new wife that
the woman above always wanted him to be to her.
I've seen it happen way to often in my job. Some lucky
women owes a poor victim a lot of gratitude. But this
woman has another option. She could forgive her
husband and become that lucky woman!
The question is: how do you heal from your
ordeal? How do you forgive? How do you get to the
head-space where you're able to give your spouse
another chance? Its not always easy for some but its worth it.

now that is something to read and think on for a lot of people i wish my wife could see it without recentment or anger or feeling like im pushing her but no clue how to do that one


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

sure is - I love statistics! 
why don't you just post the link to your story so that I can read it?
who has cheated? 
has anyone cheated?
how does this story from MF apply to you?
K


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well if she isn't pulling the trigger, why not gently force the issue and announce that you intend to return home on a certain day. If she wants you to stay out of the house, she has to stop you.

Tell her it's a two stage deal. You'll move in and live as normal as you can, and basically prove you're a better man, better husband, better father. But you'll sleep on the couch the whole time.

She'll have three months to decide whether or not she wants to accept that you're a better guy and take you back to bed. Or failing that, you're just going to accept that you've done your best and screwed things up so bad that it's over... and you'll start the divorce.


Oh and this plan kinda _hinges _on you being a better man, better husband, better father.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

knortoh said:


> sure is - I love statistics!
> why don't you just post the link to your story so that I can read it?
> who has cheated?
> has anyone cheated?
> ...


well i will post that in a second on my story its long and probably tedious since i wasnt half as clear minded as i am now and im still not clear minded in a lot of ways either but no one has cheated atleast not from my end and she says there isnt no other man and doesnt want another one till she can be complete sure on things between us , so im trusting her in that , but if you read the letter close it doesnt have to be cheating it can be emotional behavior to verbal abuse to neglect or anything dont matter the reasons the story is still the same when someone truely learns they stand a chance of having what they always wanted out of them and instead that person at fault is now standing ready and the one clogging the wheels of the relationship could be the victim who now could have all they wanted out of there partner.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Atholk said:


> Well if she isn't pulling the trigger, why not gently force the issue and announce that you intend to return home on a certain day. If she wants you to stay out of the house, she has to stop you.
> 
> Tell her it's a two stage deal. You'll move in and live as normal as you can, and basically prove you're a better man, better husband, better father. But you'll sleep on the couch the whole time.
> 
> ...


I like the thought process here on that just not sure it can be done as for the house we rented from her dad and she told me she wasnt coming back if i didnt leave but would like to bring the children back to there home so she asked me to so i did out of respect to her and my kids and that was 3 months ago so im not sure if that is still a possible thing to do and my story will be posted next but there is also a new post explaining these new posts in other sections i think its going through divorce and seperation , and its the new things that brought me on here today and that is what has me lost right now on things


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ed-serious-advise-not-giving-up-but-deal.html


that is just some of it i have a lot of my story on here a hole lot of it actually


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

There is no way to tell if someone is serious about a divorce or not. If they are bluffing or waiting on financial resources or having second thoughts....

Don't try to be a mind reader. Just go on with your life and set your boundaries with your wife. If you have changed, then keep proving it. This change will take months to register.

There are no guarantees but just find your way on your own. Don't wait for her. Don't coddle her. Become the most attractive person and you will reap the benefits-with or without her.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I have read through your post -
and I think I understand?
you were doing some stuff that was stuffing up your marriage - she go sick of it and got out..
you want her back ?
you have made some changes .....
sounds to me like she hasn't made up her mind yet -
I agree with what the posters on the other thread said
work on yourself and show her how you will be a better partner -
show her you cherish her


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

i will continue to do that but at what point do i push her cause its been going on for three plus months now and its still just me taking steps or atleast it seems that way anyways .


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

I don't think you should necessarily "push" her yet. I've read that in cases of emotional or verbal mistreatment that you should let your wife proceed at her own pace. She could be too nervous to move back in with you until she SEES a certain amount of time has gone by without any loud fighting or whatever. It may be hard, but you might have to wait, show kindness, and prove to her that you are fixing temper or neglect issues.


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

She may feel you are trying to control her if you give an ultimatum. On the other hand, you need to decide privately in your own mind how many months of waiting you can stand. Maybe talk to a counselor.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

it is your call - but 3 months is nothing in my book if you had been misbehaving in the marriage for much longer...give her time 
what have you got to lose? 
what do you gain by pushing her?


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

hmm very good thoughts and advise on this i just dont no though and i have been going to a councelor the one thing though she said that kinda stands out is how long do i wait before pushing issues cause its getting old i do and do i even give her money each week plus leave access to my money in the bank to her in case she needs it and recently she decided to use it where before she felt she shouldnt and that it wasnt right cause she didnt want to use me or anything or give me false hope in her words , but also the councelor mentioned the longer we are apart like this and only one is trying to work on things sometimes it works the wrong way and she heals but she heals without me and grows apart .
I find that hard to see or believe she has been with me since she was 16 and is now 26 and everything she has was built from us and we have two wonderful kids now and i miss them all very much and there isnt nothing i wouldnt do for that last chance but how much pain and coldness do i take , hell i still mow the lawn shovel the driveway when it snows and things like that that she couldnt do and she dont even say thanks for anything just like the money she called and let me no she used some of it to buy her step dad and sister and a couple others a gift but didnt even mention a thank you in there and im not sure how to take the fact she mentioned she would probably have to use it to buy me a Bday present .. so im like umm is this a good sign or bad sign here ??
I left that door open to test her and she stepped into it but not the way i seen or thought she would so im a lot confused on it


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

ok - I can see what your counsellor is saying -
it is time for setting boundaries and working out a plan - not pushing just working out what you need and what you are and are not willing to do...
I just know there is no a whole lot that you can do if she doesn't want to be there...


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

This is a tough situation. Maybe you could set an ultimate time limit on your financial support but tell her after that you could and would still leave the door open to marriage reconciliation. It all kind of depends on what you two agreed to originally in regards to your financial support of her. Seems if she plans to get a divorce, she should start planing to become self-supporting in some way. Or at least set a timeline for that. Maybe she could come to a therapy session to discuss concrete business and financial plans for herself with the idea that if she changes her mind about the relationship in the future you would welcome her back. But in the meantime, it seems harsh that you are still shoveling the driveway of snow and mowing the lawn. If she isn't disabled, maybe you could at least quit doing this if she won't really even give you the time of day. Letting her shovel the snow from her own driveway would give her a taste of what real divorce would taste like.


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

Last thought is that people who feel hostile or angry because of real or perceived mistreatment can EASILY stay hostile and angry for six months or more. So the question is, if she stays hostile and angry for 6-12 months, what are you willing to do during that time period withouth making yourself hostile and angry?


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

well she dont have time and has the kids all the time to deal with as for finacially speaking to start it off i guess you would have to read my hole story on here to completely understand , but ill try to give you the short of it anyways to start with she wanted ZERO help from me and i had to find ways to help like drop diapers off at the door or mow the lawn while she was at work.

but she refused money help then about a month ago she decided she wanted it but made it seem like it was my fault by saying i should have been helping her all along all though i was offering i didnt give her money cause she was refusing it and i didnt want to insult her in any way then she goes on to say i should have known she needed and just did it , i did no she needed it but i cant give it if she dont tell me or let me no what she needs.

but that too changed about a month ago when she decided she did need it and want it so with that im at a lose and i have tried to get her to do the hole counceling thing even paid for her for about 2 months and offered private sessions as well that i paid for that she never went to , she dont even no i paid for them i just offered it to her and didnt press it after the first few times and just let her make up her own mind on it since pushing it seemed to upset her more.


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

I went back in your thread and read about the World of Warcraft stuff. That's kind of like Everquest in that people can wind up spending a lot of time on it. Is she aware that you have quit and are never going to that site? Is there any way to have the internet yet get access to that game totally off your computer in a way she can verify or prove so that you can prove without a doubt that you aren't involved with it anymore? 

It's hard when thtey refuse help and then hold it against you. It sounds like she is still really angry and blaming you. Not being willing to go to therapy is also a sign that she is either VERY angry or hopeless about the relationship. Have you read the Divorce Busting book by Michelle Weiner-Davis? It has some interesting ideas on when to change your approach and when to back off and wait. It can be hard to tell what to do sometimes.


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

If they are going to "heal with out you apart" like your therapist said can happen, I don't see what you can do to prevent that. Pushing won't make her heal with you it seems. Ask your therapist how pushing can help. It seems you might have to wait as many months as you can stand or not. Pushing makes people feel cornered it seems. Seems like a tough situation all around.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

lj2000 said:


> I went back in your thread and read about the World of Warcraft stuff. That's kind of like Everquest in that people can wind up spending a lot of time on it. Is she aware that you have quit and are never going to that site? Is there any way to have the internet yet get access to that game totally off your computer in a way she can verify or prove so that you can prove without a doubt that you aren't involved with it anymore?
> 
> It's hard when thtey refuse help and then hold it against you. It sounds like she is still really angry and blaming you. Not being willing to go to therapy is also a sign that she is either VERY angry or hopeless about the relationship. Have you read the Divorce Busting book by Michelle Weiner-Davis? It has some interesting ideas on when to change your approach and when to back off and wait. It can be hard to tell what to do sometimes.


Yes she knows about the game and that i have quit and she even sees and likes the changes she says but still is short tempered with me and cold at times and then sometimes she starts to relax like yesterday when she was telling me she was spending my money she was open and relaxed and we laughed a lot all though it was hard for me to put that front up i did it for the good of the conversation and that i do want her to be able to do these things i just not sure if i should let her use my money to do that , but yes she knows i got rid of the game and quit some other things as well she even knows the person on the game i gave my account to since she still plays it but she never let it control her for me plus being laid off i got wrapped into it so hard it sickens me to look at it now i mean 12-14 hours a day sometimes i was bad with it and it took me literally away from her and my kids and friends even nothing else was centered in my life i let the game be that center and i resent it so badly now but she still seems to drag her feet on things and yet still seems set to go through with it verbally atleast she talks like it is


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hang on are you seeing the kids?


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

She may not know what she is going to do yet but is acting like she does. There is no way to tell without giving it a few more months I guess. Read that Divorce Busting book. It gives advice on how not to get dragged into arguments with them when they are being cold and angry about their past grudges against you. It is not easy. Good luck.


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

My last comment is that I'm separated from my husband. When he relaxes and has a good time with me on an outing, he often seems cold and distant later. Like he's reminding himself to be mad at me and not have too much fun. Seems like it could go either way in the future so it is confusing like your situation.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Wow that is exactly how my wife is acting with me and its driving me freaking nuts totally nuts and im feeling you a 100% on that now , and on that book is it a ebook or something i need to pay for or can i Download it some other way cause i have spent a fortune on them things and other things and on things for my wife and now she is useing my money from the bank suddenly freely as well and since the holidays i have no clue what she has spent and were my account is lol kinda scares me right now and i should have looked today maybe but didnt yet either


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

They have it on Amazon. Also they have a Divorce Busting site with a forum where people write in what they have tried to help their relationships and what has worked and what has not. It has some interesting insight, but it is also scary. Some people on that board have been trying to fix their marriages for three or more years. 

I will also say that my husband made the comment to me that he has lost trust and is protecting his feelings in some way from me. So maybe that's why he acts like that after we've obviously had a pretty good time. He wants to put his guard back up so as not to get hurt. Or he wants to get revenge? I'm not sure. I try to be positive and assume it is just because he is depressed or scared, but I'm not sure.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

the mutual friend that talks to my wife and i both said the same thing as that pretty much about my wife and says that is just what she is doing cause she has lost trust in me and is scared to let me back in cause she is afraid to get hurt so sometimes her walls come down and she realizes it and puts it back up fast the trick is getting it to stay down longer each time i think and that seems to take a lot of time so far but i do think it is happening just slower way slower then i like and it is killing me if you read the letter i recieved from mort fertel then that is how i feel im standing right now if not its posted in several places on here one is on the breaking down the walls post in the private section


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

The trick seems to be not messing up the new trust. And it's hard for anyone to be perfect, of course. And also being patient and loving without letting them take it too far and take advantage of you or "get back" at you. I've heard that there is a fine balance between seeking forgiveness and reconciliation and winding up becoming a doormat for an angry ex. It seems hard to tell how to balance these things.


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

Last thought is that on that Divorce Busting site some people say laying off the chase or pursuit can help bring the walls down. You don't ignore them, but you make them know you have given up "the chase"-- pursuit is a form of pressure that makes some exes not trust you. Then other exes get their feelings hurt if you are not available enough. It is all very confusing.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

hmm very interesting and do you have a copy of that book by chance ??? sorry to ask lol but i have to and just got word from the wife and My mutual friend seems the ring set i got her (wedding set to be told the truth ) she talked with her on chrismas night for a short time but the wife did mention to her she tried them on she liked them and was happy they fit yet isnt wearing them either right now . what do you make of that ?


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

Sounds like she does not want to commit to a decision either way. I think you have a chance, but I don't know how big of one. Also I don't know if she knows or not. If you worry about what's going on with her too much, she might sense it and feel pressured or feel that she can drag this out even though she knows you have changed. Seems like a tough call. Good night and good luck!


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Yea that too is something i fear and think about a lot but i can not give up on my family the kids alone are worth the effort and i will not give up hope or break in any manor now that i understand bigbadwolf a little better i see what he is saying and i am doing a lot of what he is suggesting other then pushing some of these things he suggests cause its not that time i dont feel yet with my wife if there ever will be that is yet to be seen but i will fight the hole way through it and see what happens


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