# How do I talk without fighting?



## angryandfrustrated (Sep 12, 2009)

Last night after what was a pretty good day for my husband and me he said something about his new cell phone and I it reminded me that I was a bit frustrated about it. He had told me it was going to cost less than it actually did. He was going on a plan with a friend for $10 a month and it was actually $16. The $72 for a year is not a big deal, but he lied to me. The phone was supposed to be free but he needed a better one and didnt tell me about the activation cost. Monday we went to get cash to give his friend for the year and he said that he was getting $200 to add to the cash he had and it wasnt until I told him he really only needed $120 that he explained that it wasnt actually that much. I got mad and just shook my head. He told me he is sick of me brow beating him and I explained that it wasnt the money, that I was upset that he lies to get what he wants. He bought a memory card for it and only told me when I asked. I told him that it wasnt fair that he can buy whatever he wants and I am not allowed to. He told me it is my fault for not asking for things but I had asked for something twice the week before and told him it could count as my birthday gift, but he blew me off. When I reminded him that I had recently asked for something (an area rug that was marked 60% off) he got really mad.

Anyway back to last night I didnt feel like we had really discussed the phone issue. So when he was talking about the phone I told him I was upset about it because I felt like he was lying to me. He got really angry. He asked me (yelling) what I wanted from him it was done and that I had put him into double jeopardy talking about it again. I told him that he could at least admit that he was deceptive and that I wasnt trying to fight with him, but we had never actually talked about it and I was upset. Then he screamed about how I always ruin his day by putting him into "double jeopardy." 

He disregards my feelings all of the time and when I try to talk to him about anything unpleasant he slams things and stomps around yelling without ever talking about what has upset me. I thought by just disagreeing and coming back to it later when he wasnt playing defense I was opening us to a better opportunity to work things out. I always approach it calmly and start by telling him that there is something I want to discuss that has upset me.

I have been trying to let it go when he says or does something that is really mean and then pretends that it didnt happen minutes later. I think if he is letting it go maybe he didnt mean to be so rude to me. This is hard though because I get so sad when all of it builds up without resolution and usually start crying. 

This morning he started yelling about me only doing the laundry in the laundry basket Sunday and that he would have added his clothes if I had asked. I went to ask for his clothes and he yelled so I told him that I didnt care if his laundry was done or not. He could have stopped me and given me his laundry but he didnt. Then the next day he told me he would need his laundry done. I told him that maybe he should do it the next day. He forgot and so did I so now today it is my fault again. I should explain that I work part time 4-5 mornings a week only about 20-30 hrs a week and take one online class (his), and he is taking 5 classes and not working. Also yesterday he was home by himself until noon.

When he was getting ready leave I asked if it was ok if we grocery shopped Thursday, since we would be driving to a larger town near us that day anyway to buy a new stove. He told me that he wasnt sure he wanted to buy it anymore because I had been treating him badly. Ours does not work. I have been cooking in small appliances for months waiting to buy this. I dont think that he should be able to make me cook in a wok because we had a disagreement. It really upset me, but I just said whatever and left the room. A few minutes later he came to the bathroom and asked why I was sitting on the sink. I guess he wanted to see me upset.

Last Friday he got mad because I was supposed to bring lunch home but I thought he may be happier if we tried a new restaurant that he wanted to try so I came home and suggested it. He didnt want to, so I told him I would go get whatever he wanted, but he said it was too late for that. Then he started yelling about how the baby was too hard to care for and how unfair everyone is to him (taking care of the baby is all he does, he doesnt cook or clean at all) and when he was done I just walked to the car and sat there. It made me feel better being alone out there. He came to the door twice, the second time he told me to get inside because I was embarrassing him. 15 minutes later he suggested what he wanted for lunch and I went to get it.

I could go on forever but these are a few specific examples. How do I get him to see my opinion and acknowledge it even if he disagrees? It would also be helpful to know how to show him that his 5 classes are not an excuse to not help around the house, and that when he yells it always hurts me. Please dont suggest that I just tell him or write him a note that is specific about my feelings. I have tried these things and must be doing them wrong. I need to know specifically how to do them the right way.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

OK. Too many things. Let's try to boil this down to a few key issues.

You feel that he is in control of the money and that you have no say or ability to buy things for yourself. I'm guessing you have to ask him for money and that you are a stay-at-home mother.

He feels that you nag him about everything, and that this is his money and he resents having to answer to you about things like $72/month.

He is feeling the weight of being a husband and a father.

Also can you tell me if he does anything right in your opinion?


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If he is trying to take care of the baby while doing his course work, it is not likely to work. Part-time school, maybe, but even that is a challenge for a mature adult and, frankly, your husband does not sound very mature. 

I think you are trying to do too much, all at once--classes and a baby, plus a part-time job for one of you. It might work better for one of you to put school on hold for a bit and work full-time while the baby is in day care and the other parent goes to school. You can switch roles in a couple of years. The full-time student needs to take as many credits/classes as s/he can to get through his/her program as fast as humanly possible (including summer).

More important, however, is that your husband seems to lack decent communication skills. I encourage you to find out what type of counseling is available through your school and get marriage counseling a.s.a.p. A counselor may recommend individual therapy for him if he needs some one-on-one in learning new skills. He made need anger management too. If you have tried all you can without success, it's time to move on and get help. A forum like this is not likely to be enough.


----------



## angryandfrustrated (Sep 12, 2009)

I understand that if I vented this to family and friends that they may not forgive my husband when I do, so I guess I got on here and couldnt stop myself. Sorry 

I guess that I wasnt clear on time. He takes 5 classes, and I take one class online that he is credited for, because he complained everyday about how hard it was for him to take all 6. I work 20-30 hours a week, he takes care of our 8 month old during this time and I take Will from the time I walk through the door until I leave for work the next day. I know how much time he spends on homework and if he made it a priority and left things like Farmville, Facebook, and Netflix alone he could easily be getting it done. He doesnt prioritize then takes it out on everyone else. 

It isnt money that makes me mad, it is whether or not he is being honest and considerate to the wants/needs of our family as a whole. 

Dobo I see the point that you are making or what youre looking for when you ask if I think that he does anything right. I do praise and support him. But if you are guessing that I am sometimes resentful you are right. I do nag a bit about his spending too, I get frustrated because I dont think that we can afford to spend $200 a month at the gas station not including gas. 

I do thank him for something about once a day even if it is to thank him for holding the baby while I stir something, or not yelling if I had to work later than usual.

The real problem is that when he does something that bothers me he wont talk about it. I just dont know how to talk to him about something that has happened without him becoming irate.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

OK. The first thing I see that I'll point out that I really resent is you taking one of his classes for him. That's academic dishonesty and it isn't fair to the other studends. It he can't handle 6 classes, he should only take 5, period. 

Do you think supporting and partaking in dishonesty in this way and complaining about his dishonesty in other areas are at all at odds with one another? You're not consistent. Is it only OK to be dishonest so long as he isn't being dishonest with you? Why should he make that distinction?

If honesty is important to you, be consistent and stress it in all areas of life. Integrity is important. You are compromising your own integrity by taking his class for him. Is this something you'll share with your child? Will you do his homework for him? Will you teach him that it is OK to lie to others but not you?

You are resentful that he gets to stay home and "waste" time on other activities (fun and games). Understandable. He probably could stand to be more disciplined. OTOH, you've given him the out because you are taking his class for him. So now he can waste more time that he otherwise wouldn't have had.

Money. You're right about spending that much money on more expensive stuff rather than on food from the grocery store. Do you have a budget? 

A lot of men in particular, don't want to deal with conflict so they avoid it. Your husband is an immature avoider. If you don't want him to avoid things, you can't attach punishment when you do talk. You have to want to solve problems, not assign blame. Pick a SINGLE item to discuss. Don't start piling on all of the things he doesn't do. One item at a time. Small bits. Small amounts of time invested. If one of you gets too hot, back off and reconvene at a later time.

Come up with an agenda.

My first suggestion is a budget.

My second is that you stop doing his school work for him.


----------



## angryandfrustrated (Sep 12, 2009)

Dobo, thanks for the response. Although I know that not doing your own homework is wrong and you are right I would never let my child do that, I was rationalizing it. I was saying to myself it was ok because it was more of a formality, he needed the credit but wouldnt learn anything in the class, we are partners we can work together, ect. You are right that is wrong of me. Thank you for pointing that out. 

As for a budget, I have been reading this forum and just this week told my husband that I had been reading about how important it is to make a budget together so everything is clear. When we talk about money in general I always say we because I make financial mistakes too. I rarely pay bills on time and end up with late fees, and buy things that we dont need, not to an extreme but I am not totally innocent either. Anyway, his answer was that he didnt want to deal with it and it didnt sound "fun." Any pointers about how to explain how necessary it is?

Also what do you mean about not attaching punishment? You may be noticing something that I am doing that I am not noticing.

Lastly, I tend to provide specific examples of when he has done whatever it is that is bothering me and I think that might count as "piling," for me it is just backing a statement with factual information, but I can see how to him it might feel like I am attacking him for multiple offenses. My question here is how do I show him specifically what I am upset about without "piling" when he will use the phrase "why, because you said" if I make a statement that he thinks I have no backing for?

Ok. One more thing I just thought of. From time to time he says things to me and then denies saying them. I remember word for word what he says because it is extremely hurtful, but he says things on a whim and then doesnt remember. How do you suggest I handle this. Would it be unethical to record him for a day so that he can see what he really does? I have sometimes thought that it is the only way for him to realize he did say these things or that his reactions are often offensive.

Thanks again.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What I mean about attaching punishment when you want to discuss something is that you don't get quiet, or angry, or resentful. You just discuss the factual problem. You work out a solution that is acceptable to both of you. And then you act on it and you are both expected to keep to the agreement.

That is what builds trust in a relationship.

If he says "Why, because you said?" tell him that you can offer examples if he is willing to listen silently. But more than that, you would like him to understand the underlying FEELINGS that you are conveying. He's in a power struggle with you and to some extent, that's normal, but saying something like that is simply childish. (Ahem. Recomposing myself!) 

Then you can tell him that you realize that he is an adult and will have an opinion and feelings on the matter and that you cannot force him to comply with your wishes. However, in a marriage or in any relationship, really, it is best when two people find a way to be together and cause more happiness than distress. What he is doing is distressing to you. Distress erodes happiness. Long-term distress destroys marriages. 

At the time he says something to you that you know he's going to deny later (and I bet you're getting good at picking up on them), repeat his exact words back to him. Ask him if this is indeed what he said and if he meant what he said. Call him on it right away and then you'll never have to throw his words back at him later because you'll catch it right away. This will soon break him of the habit of speaking carelessly.


----------



## angryandfrustrated (Sep 12, 2009)

oh good suggestion with calling it on him right away. I was waiting until we were both calm to mention how it hurt me. I assume that he means everything he says (because I do) and so I take it to heart. I never considered giving him the opportunity to clarify right away.

Also thanks for the suggestion to offer examples if he wants them and not to give them if he doesnt. He gets mad because I am always out to "win" arguments. I tried to explain to him that when we fight I have already lost something, and that I wouldnt argue if I didnt have strong feelings or just for the sake of it. Anyway this will maybe assure him that I dont have a "plan of attack," but that I do have a foundation for my belief in what we are discussing.

I am really pretty reasonable and I blame myself for a lot of this. I have in a way spoiled him and sort of coddled him.


----------

