# Having a Dark Day



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

For those who don't know my story (which I've told ad nauseum in other threads), basically STBX has been having an affair since September. I found out about it in February only because she texted and called him at 11:00 at night when I was in the same room with him to ***** that the divorce we hadn't started proceedings on yet wasn't moving fast enough for her and that he hadn't told me about her yet.

Proceedings started after that - he has a lawyer who's drafted a settlement and Family Plan (we have a13-year-old son) that actually seems on the surface to be quite fair - even in my favor (we are in a No Fault state, so everything is split 50-50). But I do plan to have my own attorney review it to make sure, as I don't trust him as far as I can throw him.

So, I'm folding the laundry last night, and a text comes across his phone that's sitting on the bed (he really needs to hide that better, I guess) from her saying "Love you and miss you. Call me soon." I scroll down and see they have an ongoing conversation about how much they love each other and can't wait to be together.

I'm allowing him to stay in the house until our son's school year is over, because he hasn't wanted to tell him until then, but I'm really reaching the point where I'd like very much to throw his a$$ out now.

Please talk me off the ledge. I'm trying to put my son's feelings first and make it through this last stretch, but it's getting increasingly difficult to keep this all from him and live with this SOB.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Nomorebeans

I'm not sure I can talk you off the ledge but I can maybe give support. My WW worked with her OM for three months after d-day. I would trigger each and every day no matter what my WW tried to pacify me. It was to me, torture and hell each day. I thought I could handle it and had told my WW to not quit. Stupid me, I know. So I began to pressure the the OM to leave. This finally worked, and he quit. This does not compare to having to live with your spouse who is in an affair. Have you thought of replying for him when she texts and he's not near the phone? Maybe you could explain that for the sake of children to contact OW when he is not at home. Maybe your husband could do this out of respect to his son if he can't respect you. 

I would focus on you and making you the best person possible. Start a hobby or continue one you already have. Anything to take your mind off what is happening around you. Think about the new men you will meet who won't throw a family or a good person away. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Good thoughts and prayers to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I haven't read your story, But I know how hard it can be to know things & not be able to say anything. How long is it until your son's school year is over? I don't have any words of wisdom. Just wanted you to know Someone knows what you're going through. Hang in there & try to think about what's most important to you. Wishing you the best..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If your trying to make it to the end of the school year, start going out more and be around him less. He is your trigger.

Find new friends, be with friends, do things that elevate your mood. Work towards a future goal, and that should give you personal satisfaction every time you progress. Work out, do things to change your appearance. Try and look and feel like a whole new person.

I would say go out and flirt with men, it does not mean you have to be in a relationship with one, but it is good practice, plus a good confidence booster.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> If your trying to make it to the end of the school year, start going out more and be around him less. He is your trigger.
> 
> Find new friends, be with friends, do things that elevate your mood. Work towards a future goal, and that should give you personal satisfaction every time you progress. Work out, do things to change your appearance. Try and look and feel like a whole new person.
> 
> I would say go out and flirt with men, it does not mean you have to be in a relationship with one, but it is good practice, plus a good confidence booster.



:iagree:In addition you might want to ask your STBX to be away from home a bit more also, you are doing this for his convenience. In doing this you have to accept you have added some extra pain to the process.

Sorry you are having a rough day. I read your story. I am in a similar spot. You'll have these days, but it gets better I promise.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> Please talk me off the ledge. I'm trying to put my son's feelings first and make it through this last stretch, but it's getting increasingly difficult to keep this all from him and live with this SOB.


Think of it like this. Two years from now you'll be wondering when you didn't ditch that douche bag sooner. Make sure your attorney jacks him up for maximum child support and don't let his attorney characterize any child support as alimony and don't agree for him to claim the kid as a dependent. For federal tax purposes alimony is deductible, above the line, by him and reportable by you. Get every dime you can in characterized as child support. (the above is for information only and not to be construed as legal advise)


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Think of it like this. Two years from now you'll be wondering when you didn't ditch that douche bag sooner. Make sure your attorney jacks him up for maximum child support and don't let his attorney characterize any child support as alimony and don't agree for him to claim the kid as a dependent. For federal tax purposes alimony is deductible, above the line, by him and reportable by you. Get every dime you can in characterized as child support. (the above is for information only and not to be construed as legal advise)



I'll just add, you need to do the math on that. Child support obligations end at 18, not sure how old the child is but alimony might go on longer it was a long term marriage.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

That is a consideration Kristin.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Nomorebeans said:


> So, I'm folding the laundry last night, and a text comes across his phone that's sitting on the bed (he really needs to hide that better, I guess) from her saying "Love you and miss you. Call me soon." I scroll down and see they have an ongoing conversation about how much they love each other and can't wait to be together.
> 
> .


Are you still doing his laundry? 

Why didn't the phone end up in the wash? God only knows it needs to be cleaned!


If your old man is dumb enough to leave his phone lying around then maybe he needs to be taught a lesson?

Start replying with " I miss you to but stop wearing that stinky perfume" or "I can't wait to be with you too...so you can start paying for things"

You could have a field day pretending to be him and replying with all kinds of shyt that would make her think twice.

Next time he leaves his phone lying around reply to one of her text with " I love you to but stop bothering me so much":lol::rofl:


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## Clutch (Apr 10, 2015)

I understand at least some of what you're going through. I am trying to tough it out with my wife until she divorces me and leaves for Idaho in the fall. Still it's HARD to be in the same house with so many raw feelings!
-clutch-


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

My mate just found out he was being cheated on for nearly 3 years. He is in the same situation waiting for the new one million dollar house he bought her to settle so she can move in.

He isn't coping well but his little secret has been that he has been fattening her up. Every tea has sugar. Every coffee has sugar. He plasters anything he cooks for her with sugar, butter and syrup.

Apparently she has really chubbed up!!!! God I laffed my az off when he told me.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Poida, with him cooking to extent she packs on the pork, buying million dollar houses, etc., sounds like he just can't tell her no. That's explains why she views him as she does.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> Poida, with him cooking to extent she packs on the pork, buying million dollar houses, etc., sounds like he just can't tell her no. That's explains why she views him as she does.


No, it's not like that in this case.

He was cooking for his kids and she has had to start working night shifts and so until she moves out, he has been cooking a bit lately.

She is entitled to more than that amount of money and they agreed to settle it with purchase of a house nearby so he could be near his kids.

In Perth, Australia, you don't get much for a million dollars.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Nomorebeans

How are you doing today? Hope today is a better day for you. Best wishes and prayers your way. Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Nomorebeans
> 
> How are you doing today? Hope today is a better day for you. Best wishes and prayers your way. Stay strong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Doing better today, drifting on, thanks.

I like the suggestion of effing with her pretending to be him in reply texts, and believe me, I was tempted.

But instead, I told him yesterday about seeing that the night before (I was trying so hard to stick to The 180 the night I saw it that I told myself to just ignore it, but of course, I couldn't) and about how much it still hurts me to have him around, knowing he'd rather be with someone else. He said he'd ask her *again* to please not text him until he has moved out (let him get annoyed with her for her continual codependency and neediness, I say), and he agreed that we should go ahead and tell our son before the school year is over and he should start the moving process about a month sooner. DS has his lovely state assessment tests at school all next week and slightly into the following one, and we agreed we'd let him get through those and then we'd sit him down and let him know.

Unfortunately, this conversation turned to his usual blame-shifting about the affair, because I said, "I know you don't understand why this still hurts me so much - you think that like you, I just shouldn't care at this point and should be ready to turn my back and walk away from 25 years together and the life we've built, however dissatisfying it's been for both of us in different ways in the last few years." He said I should have seen it coming for the last two years (he never once talked to me about how unhappy he was). Well, this set me off - I said, "I should have seen it coming that you, who I thought was incapable of telling a lie about anything, would go behind my back and scr** another woman for five days, go out to dinner with her with OUR friends as if I don't even exist anymore, and lie repeatedly about that for the next two months until SHE finally exposed it all? Yeah, you're right. I should have seen that coming."

Finally, he expressed real remorse about the lying part of what he's done - that he wishes he could go back and do it differently. By that, he meant that he'd just told me about her honestly and moved out in September so he could spend time with her openly, but he did at least also apologize for hurting me so much and acknowledged that he hadn't really considered my feelings like he should have) He also agreed to try to be out of the house more often when I'm home at night and on the weekends and for longer stretches until he moves out.

Meanwhile, I've lost 15 pounds - and for those who haven't seen my posts before - not to spite him or make him jealous - he likes overweight women, apparently, because he's admitted his AP is about 70 pounds overweight - because I've been walking 2+ miles every day as an outlet for the rage I've been feeling and doing yoga for about 30 minutes after each walk. I also quit drinking because after I discovered the affair, I really went on a bender to try to drown my sorrows and realized I didn't want to start down that same path my mother took when my Dad left her for AW when I was a kid (she started drinking - I thought it best that I stop). He has actually complimented me on my appearance and lifestyle changes lately and regularly encourages me to "keep it up," and mercifully hasn't resorted to the dreaded "Well, if you'd just done all this while we were still together..." blame-shifting tactic some of us know and love so well.

At this point, I just really want him to make himself scarce, be nice when he has to be at home, and keep better track of his electronic devices, since that stupid b**** can't follow simple instructions.

(I noticed, by the way, that she spelled "paid" as "payed" and "you're" as "your" in a couple of her texts. She supposedly writes training manuals for a living. The Spell Checker must get a workout on her stuff. Also noticed that he went out of his way to make a very witty sarcastic comment about something going on in the news in a text to her that she didn't even respond to. Good luck spending the rest of your life with an ill-read dumba$$ who has no sense of humor. When you find a socially redeeming quality in her that isn't about non-stop sex, let me know, and I'll alert the media.)


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Well Nomorebeans it seems like you managed to make the most out of your dark day girl! Good for you!

I had some major stress weight loss over my ordeal too. I didn't need it, it just left me looking drawn and haggard. But plenty of us have used it to their advantage. Keep walking and doing yoga, it does tons for stress relief. 

As for the OW's writing skills, hmm Training Manuals??? My Ex's OW did just that! Odd isn't it ? I wonder if it is the same trash box, lol (hey stranger things have been known to happen).

You really made some great progress. Good job looking out for you and standing up to his Bull Sh!t blame shifting should have seen it coming garbage. What a load of [email protected]


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Nomorebeans

Outstanding job!! Your witty banter at the end had me laughing. It's a long process but this will hopefully get easier for you. Twenty five years is a long time, perhaps the next twenty five years with someone new will be much happier. Stay strong and it's good to hear you got through your dark day. Also kudos to you for quitting drinking, that was a very smart choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

From what you describe, once the infatuation wears off, all those other traits will come crashing down upon him.

I would seriously divorce as soon as possible. Once the infatuation ends, and his motivation to be with her is over, he may want to come back. If he does, he is likely to fight the divorce, making things more complicated.

As well as working on your body, this would be a great time to work on your mental state as well. You do not want to carry your baggage with you when you move on.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> As well as working on your body, this would be a great time to work on your mental state as well. You do not want to carry your baggage with you when you move on.


You are so right, and this is the thing I'm (obviously) struggling with. My hope has been that by making my body stronger, my mental state would improve as well, and I would move more quickly into the Acceptance stage of this grieving process. Having something I can control to a large extent like my physical well-being to focus on isn't hurting, but I'm still struggling to forgive him and move on. It does help to realize and remind myself that if he (very hypothetically) did a 180 today and said he's ending it with her and wants to work on and stay in the marriage, I wouldn't want him back. This revelation actually came to me during my discussion with him yesterday, because during the blame-shifting part, I told him that what I'm having trouble getting past the most is realizing that he's "the kind of person who would cheat." That seemed to land a real blow from which he kind of reeled for a moment - he still thinks he's the good guy and the only victim in all this! So, he said, "Well. If that's the way you feel about me now, it's all the better that we hurry up and divorce, I guess." I said, "Yes, it is."

So to your point, that's something I just have to keep reminding myself of whenever my hurt pride gets in the way of what really is the the truth, here: I don't want to be with someone who values me so little.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> (I noticed, by the way, that she spelled "paid" as "payed" and "you're" as "your" in a couple of her texts. She supposedly writes training manuals for a living. The Spell Checker must get a workout on her stuff. Also noticed that he went out of his way to make a very witty sarcastic comment about something going on in the news in a text to her that she didn't even respond to. Good luck spending the rest of your life with an ill-read dumba$$ who has no sense of humor. When you find a socially redeeming quality in her that isn't about non-stop sex, let me know, and I'll alert the media.)


Heeeheee. I love this. 

I like being catty about my X's OW. I told him he downgraded with her. She may be prettier, younger, skinnier...but she's stupider and trashier.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

BlueWoman said:


> Heeeheee. I love this.
> 
> I like being catty about my X's OW. I told him he downgraded with her. She may be prettier, younger, skinnier...but she's stupider and trashier.


drifting on mentioned in a recent post in another thread that the WW or WH usually trades down with their AP - this had been his experience, as well.

This makes perfect sense. What kind of person knowingly cheats with a married man or woman? A high-caliber, intelligent, financially independent, kind-hearted person with a lot to offer who doesn't mind being alone and doesn't need to pounce on the very first person who shows her or him a shred of interest, regardless of their marital status? Or a desperate skank?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If you want to get over him faster, start living your life and creating new, wonderful memories without him.

If you have ever lost someone, you will notice that their loss does not affect you as deeply, nor does it invoke the same level of distress.

Attachments is just association. If you lost your memories today,your attachment to your husband will be gone in an instant.

As your creating your new life without him, the more you live, the less focus and thoughts you will have of him. When you do think of him, less and less of a response will be triggered. So go out into the world and have some fun, do things that will make you happy.

The more the new you lives, the less association you will have with him.

I am guessing you can tell once the infatuation wears out, her personality will make him miserable. Not like he found a prize, and he lacks the awareness of knowing it now.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Mr. Fisty, yes, I lost my mother when she was 60 (I was 26), my favorite grandparent two days later, my father 7 years ago, and my stepmother last year.

None of that compares to the kind of grief I'm feeling now, and my mother was without question the best friend I ever had - we were extremely close, told each other EVERYTHING, and loved each other unconditionally.

Someone said divorce, especially when you're the one who's being divorced/left behind, is like grieving the death of someone whose skeleton is still walking around, and having this whole other life in front of you of which you are no longer a part.

You're right that it's the memories and the dream of a future of growing old together and making more memories that I'm having difficulty letting go. It's not the man himself. That's what I need to keep reminding myself when I have those times that I can't be out with friends or my son or by myself enjoying life without him. It's helping, but it's still hard to let go when I have to see him and be reminded of all he's done and is going to do without me. It will be much better, I think, when he has moved out.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

For me it is different, when it comes to relationship, nothing is guaranteed. There is another person that plays a factor as well. Every relationship I have been in, I keep a part of my life as my own, something I find fulfillment from. I might share the experience with my partner, as in describing how I feel from it, but it helps keep a level of individualism.

I also know that my perception is faulty. I only know what people represent themselves as, or they do something that I can gain insight from. I think we sometimes forget that we truly do not know the thoughts of our partner, and that they are capable of change over time. 

You believed from what you gathered, that there is all there is to know about your husband, and you lived with that perception in mind.

I understand that the person I created inside of my head is just a construct that helps me interact with that person. I know that my perception and the construct is faulty at best. How much, that is hard to determine.

The person you believe him to be is not the reality of who he is. Also, being around him triggers memories and emotions. With death, you cannot keep interacting with them and death is final. With him around and to interact with, your attachment to him cannot go away as easily. Your still learning more about him, your still associating new things with him, his actions are still affecting you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Child support does not necessarily end at 18 in all states.
Some its hs graduation or 18.
Some its"full emancipation" which means roughly paying for college.
Find out from your lawyer.

(This is what that girl in nj was suing her parents over. They are wealthy and ignoring he court ordered child support for college from their divorce like six years ago)


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

weightlifter said:


> Child support does not necessarily end at 18 in all states.
> Some its hs graduation or 18.
> Some its"full emancipation" which means roughly paying for college.
> Find out from your lawyer.
> ...


Thanks, weightlifter. He is paying child support until he starts college, and then paying for his college. We're getting that all in writing. Mama didn't raise no fool. (Well, she raised a little bit of a fool, but not when it comes to making sure her baby bear is taken care of.)


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