# Looking for advice - Found Wife and male co-worker texting a lot



## sumthin408

Mid-30's. Married for 8 years. No children. Sex life is great and relationship seems strong. We're each others best friend. No lie, this took me by surprise.

I'm posting here to understand if I have a valid concern or if I'm being way too paranoid/insecure/jealous. 

One day my wife called me towards the end of her shift. She pocket dialed and I could hear her and a guy talking while getting into her car. Normal banter, nothing sexual. The phone hung up and I waited a couple of minutes and called her back. She answered and said she was driving a coworker home. I asked her who the coworker was and she responded with "just a coworker". I asked if I knew them and she said no, it's a guy named -name-. She called me back about 10min later as the coworker lived close by.

We chatted normally but it didn't sit well with me that she seemed to hesitate telling me who was in her car. I ended out checking our phone bill. One number stood out as this number was texting back and forth with her more than her and I do. Texts during work hours, after work hours (up until 9pmish), and texts during the weekend. I do a lookup on the number and the first name of the owner matches who she said it was when driving them home. A little bit more digging and I find the number does belong to her coworker. He's married and probably 5-15yrs older than her.

A little over 100 texts within two weeks, majority initiated by him. Some days (1 or 2) they were texting back and forth 20-30 times in an hour. She texted him right when she woke up on a Saturday. I've never seen these texts. They've all been deleted. I've never heard of this guy until I saw the phone bill and confronted her. She normally calls me at lunchtime and on the day before she drove him home, she didn't call me. I matched timestamps and she was texting back and forth with him and then it stopped for 45 minutes (I'm guessing her lunch) and then the texting picked back up (I could really just be reaching here). 

I sat her down and told her about the call logs and how this was out of the ordinary (I need reassurance that this isn't something that's jeopardizing our relationship). We got into a huge fight. He's just a friend and I wouldn't have a problem if it was a female that she was texting. I think she's a ****. I didn't know there were rules on being friends with other men. etc etc. My response was mainly if it's a friend that you're this close to (seeing as she texts him more than her girlfriends), why haven't I heard of them. And yes, texting a female that much wouldn't bother me. She's never had a male friend in our entire relationship and I felt it was being kept a secret. Privacy is OK, secrecy doesn't sit well with me.

She told me that they (as well as other coworkers) play a game on their phones after work together and that's when they chat. I did look at her phone and the group chat (that doesn't include him) is still there. The timestamps between her/him are everywhere - morning, middle of day, and night.

She holds the position that he was just a friend and she could definitely be telling the truth, it's just hard to accept that that's all it could be.

We fought for a while. On her first day back at work, she quit her job. She had mentioned issues with her manager being too much and previously mentioned not liking the job. The guy texted her about a week and a half after she quit asking if everything was OK with her. I told her to shut it down and her message to him was "My marriage is having issues and I need some time away". I advised she blocks his number and stops all communication. I saw he contacted her on FB the same day he texted so I'm guessing they were chatting through there as well. She has since deleted her FB account (and blocked his number).

I hate writing this. Half of my gut tells me to trust the love of your life.. that she could never do this to you. I mean, our relationship seems great. I try to keep the mindset of always stay dating and I feel we are very good together. They could have simply just been friends that have a lot in common. I never saw the texts so I truly don't know. The other side of me says whoa this is new territory and these are red flags and I'm having a very difficult time accepting that it's just a friend.


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## Andy1001

Trust. But verify.


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## moulinyx

This story has so many red flags. Quitting her job, removing social media, etc are all signs of there being more to be uncovered. I regularly speak with male coworkers and have never felt the need to delete them. We may even comment on pictures of our families on social media as well - this seems very off. Why would she need to block him and quit her job is nothing happened? This looks like guilt to me.


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## Diana7

Yes you are right to have concerns. Why didn't she tell you she was giving him lifts home? Why did she delete all the texts between them?
Keep your eyes and ears open. Your wife needs to have some boundaries with men or she is risking the marriage.


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## AttaBoy

Sorry you're here ...
If he was just a friend she wouldn't have:
1) Deleted all correspondence
2) Not told you about him
3) Been evasive about identifying him
4) Texted at all hours
5) Quit her job upon discovery
You have discovered the tip of the iceberg. The time is NOW to be strong. Mouth shut, eyes open. 
How long have they been texting based on your records so far? Start lining up the texting with events in your/her life. See if you can determine possible meetups. There's a lot of help available about recovering deleted messaging and analyzing her behavior (grooming, fitness, cutting you off, revising your marriage). 
Make sure you know what gaslighting and blame shifting are.
If she is works in healthcare the odds of this being really bad go really up. 
Good luck.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy

I have male friends and don't delete their messages. She has something to hide. I'd suggest she give you her phone and you take her phone somewhere they can retrieve all those deleted messages. If she has nothing to hide and wants to give you reassurance she would give you her phone no bother. If she refuses she is hiding stuff. 

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## Lostinthought61

have you thought of putting on a keylogger on her phone or computer


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## adaptivesoda

Red flags (IMO):
1. Frequency of the texts
2. Texting this guy on Saturday as soon as she wakes up
3. Deleting text messages
4. Sudden changes in the normal routine (her not calling you on her way home like she always does)
5. Communicating via multiple platforms (if this was innocent, why do it? Why not just keep it at text messages?)
6. Her telling him "*My marriage is having issues* and I need some time away". She just signaled him that her marriage has hit a bump which is to me kind of an extreme slide from having a disagreement about concerning activity to trouble in the marriage. Her signaling him, to me, sounds like she's setting the other guy's expectations that she may soon need emotional support because of a 'controlling husband'.

I think you absolutely have cause to be concerned. Consider installing a keylogger on her phone, if you have access to it.


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## CountryMike

sumthin408 said:


> Mid-30's. Married for 8 years. No children. Sex life is great and relationship seems strong. We're each others best friend. No lie, this took me by surprise.
> 
> I'm posting here to understand if I have a valid concern or if I'm being way too paranoid/insecure/jealous.
> 
> One day my wife called me towards the end of her shift. She pocket dialed and I could hear her and a guy talking while getting into her car. Normal banter, nothing sexual. The phone hung up and I waited a couple of minutes and called her back. She answered and said she was driving a coworker home. I asked her who the coworker was and she responded with "just a coworker". I asked if I knew them and she said no, it's a guy named -name-. She called me back about 10min later as the coworker lived close by.
> 
> We chatted normally but it didn't sit well with me that she seemed to hesitate telling me who was in her car. I ended out checking our phone bill. One number stood out as this number was texting back and forth with her more than her and I do. Texts during work hours, after work hours (up until 9pmish), and texts during the weekend. I do a lookup on the number and the first name of the owner matches who she said it was when driving them home. A little bit more digging and I find the number does belong to her coworker. He's married and probably 5-15yrs older than her.
> 
> A little over 100 texts within two weeks, majority initiated by him. Some days (1 or 2) they were texting back and forth 20-30 times in an hour. She texted him right when she woke up on a Saturday. I've never seen these texts. They've all been deleted. I've never heard of this guy until I saw the phone bill and confronted her. She normally calls me at lunchtime and on the day before she drove him home, she didn't call me. I matched timestamps and she was texting back and forth with him and then it stopped for 45 minutes (I'm guessing her lunch) and then the texting picked back up (I could really just be reaching here).
> 
> I sat her down and told her about the call logs and how this was out of the ordinary (I need reassurance that this isn't something that's jeopardizing our relationship). We got into a huge fight. He's just a friend and I wouldn't have a problem if it was a female that she was texting. I think she's a ****. I didn't know there were rules on being friends with other men. etc etc. My response was mainly if it's a friend that you're this close to (seeing as she texts him more than her girlfriends), why haven't I heard of them. And yes, texting a female that much wouldn't bother me. She's never had a male friend in our entire relationship and I felt it was being kept a secret. Privacy is OK, secrecy doesn't sit well with me.
> 
> She told me that they (as well as other coworkers) play a game on their phones after work together and that's when they chat. I did look at her phone and the group chat (that doesn't include him) is still there. The timestamps between her/him are everywhere - morning, middle of day, and night.
> 
> She holds the position that he was just a friend and she could definitely be telling the truth, it's just hard to accept that that's all it could be.
> 
> We fought for a while. On her first day back at work, she quit her job. She had mentioned issues with her manager being too much and previously mentioned not liking the job. The guy texted her about a week and a half after she quit asking if everything was OK with her. I told her to shut it down and her message to him was "My marriage is having issues and I need some time away". I advised she blocks his number and stops all communication. I saw he contacted her on FB the same day he texted so I'm guessing they were chatting through there as well. She has since deleted her FB account (and blocked his number).
> 
> I hate writing this. Half of my gut tells me to trust the love of your life.. that she could never do this to you. I mean, our relationship seems great. I try to keep the mindset of always stay dating and I feel we are very good together. They could have simply just been friends that have a lot in common. I never saw the texts so I truly don't know. The other side of me says whoa this is new territory and these are red flags and I'm having a very difficult time accepting that it's just a friend.


Now you need to keep a look out for used condoms. This is screaming she's fooling around. 

Texts at all hours, wee hours at night, Saturday mornings? Any days she's gone shopping all day or lunch with gfs are play times for her.


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## Nailhead

Your wife is definitely on a slipper slope of infidelity. The constant texting is taking away from your marriage. I hope your wife is being forthright with quitting her job, blocking this man and stating her marriage is in trouble. In short, not a snow job while she get a burner phone. Now it is time to snoop and play warden. It sucks.


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## Marc878

If it were me I’d do a deleted text recovery. NOW!!! Fonelab or good system.


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## Marc878

sumthin408 said:


> One day my wife called me towards the end of her shift. She pocket dialed and I could hear her and a guy talking while getting into her car. Normal banter, nothing sexual. The phone hung up and I waited a couple of minutes and called her back. She answered and said she was driving a coworker home. *I asked her who the coworker was and she responded with "just a coworker". I asked if I knew them and she said no, it's a guy named -name-. She called me back about 10min later as the coworker lived close by.
> 
> A little over 100 texts within two weeks, majority initiated by him. Some days (1 or 2) they were texting back and forth 20-30 times in an hour. She texted him right when she woke up on a Saturday.* I've never seen these texts. They've all been deleted. I've never heard of this guy until I saw the phone bill and confronted her. She normally calls me at lunchtime and on the day before she drove him home, she didn't call me. I matched timestamps and she was texting back and forth with him and then it stopped for 45 minutes (I'm guessing her lunch) and then the texting picked back up (I could really just be reaching here).
> 
> I sat her down and told her about the call logs and how this was out of the ordinary (I need reassurance that this isn't something that's jeopardizing our relationship). We got into a huge fight. He's just a friend and I wouldn't have a problem if it was a female that she was texting. I think she's a ****. I didn't know there were rules on being friends with other men. etc etc. My response was mainly if it's a friend that you're this close to (seeing as she texts him more than her girlfriends), why haven't I heard of them. And yes, texting a female that much wouldn't bother me. She's never had a male friend in our entire relationship and I felt it was being kept a secret. Privacy is OK, secrecy doesn't sit well with me.
> 
> The guy texted her about a week and a half after she quit asking if everything was OK with her. I told her to shut it down and her message to him was "My marriage is having issues and I need some time away". I advised she blocks his number and stops all communication. I saw he contacted her on FB the same day he texted so I'm guessing they were chatting through there as well. She has since deleted her FB account (and blocked his number).
> 
> I hate writing this. Half of my gut tells me to trust the love of your life.. that she could never do this to you. I mean, our relationship seems great. I try to keep the mindset of always stay dating and I feel we are very good together. They could have simply just been friends that have a lot in common. I never saw the texts so I truly don't know. The other side of me says whoa this is new territory and these are red flags and I'm having a very difficult time accepting that it's just a friend.


It’s secretive and we’re just friends is the biggest lie told. Which suggests its at least an emotional affair.
An emotional affair with contact is usually a sexual affair especially if they have access to his home.

Recovery of the deleted texts will tell you what you need to know. Get it done. You’ll be sorry if you don’t.


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## Kaliber

Sorry @sumthin408 you wife is hiding something, something big, it's up to you to find out!


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## Jeffsmith35

If she used the word "just" to preface any description of him, that itself is intentional minimization of their relationship. Sorry, but odds are she has already cheated with him if she was driving him in her car.


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## CountryMike

Kaliber said:


> Sorry @sumthin408 you wife is hiding something, something big, it's up to you to find out!


Is this a pun?
Just checking for a friend.


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## Marc878

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. She’s put you in this predicament. She should be fine with you recovering her texts if there’s nothing there. If she isn’t then you know. Knowing is better than not knowing. 
Standing around wonderIng will be hell.


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## TJW

sumthin408 said:


> I think she's a ****.


Yep, Me too. It really doesn't matter what 4 letter word you substitute. Adulterers are ALL of them.


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## Evinrude58

I don’t understand. Your wife has a friend and talks to him often. She can’t have a friend? She can’t give a coworker a ride home? She has to report any change in calling habits to you? She has to keep a record of all calls so you can police them to determine if they’re acceptable? Do you check her clothes and have her correct them if they’re too revealing?

I have something to tell you. You’re a control freak. Your wife should not tolerate this ******** from you. I’m sorry you are so insecure that you can’t allow your wife to have a harmless male friend. One of these days maybe you’ll trust your wife and stop controlling her and allow her to have some happiness without looking over her shoulder.
Consider seeing a therapist for your controlling behavior.

Or, you can ask yourself if you are so weak and fearful of losing your wife that you’ll tolerate a clear case of an emotional and quite likely physical affair. Your wife probably quit her job because she was cake eating and wanted to stay married while she banged her work husband, and didn’t want to stay and worry about someone she works with telling you the truth. I would absolutely get that phone and recover the deleted texts, and if she wouldn’t give the phone up for that, I’d divorce hee because she was absolutely guilty of cheating.

most likely she will eventually cave under overwhelming evidence (which I think You already have) and her famous phrase will be “it was never physical”. Lie. Classic lie.

I wish I could give you good news. I can’t. Don’t rugsweep. Get the truth and go from there.

of you ever felt guilt or bad for thinking your wife has been untrustworthy, you need to understand that is a weakness you need to get over. Because this may have gotten stopped before physicality occurred, but if you rugsweep, there will be a repeat performance.


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## sumthin408

Thanks for the responses everyone. It's all the stuff I've been thinking. Going to attempt a recovery of the deleted messages with a few apps.


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## jsmart

Did your wife get fired but say she quit to throw you off the depth of the affair? Closing out her social media? You know in your gut there is way more to this. Deleting text, texting this guy way more than she does her husband, and not calling you on her lunch break, when she was with him. There’s a very high chance they were getting busy. This forum is littered with threads of Waywards having sex in a car during lunch. VERY COMMON. 

You need to run a recovery on her phone. There are apps to help with that but it’s best you get a service to do it for you. Take it to some service that will pull everything out. Do the same with her , laptop, tablet, emails.


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## Evinrude58

I agree, but he has a better chance of winning the powerball than getting that phone out of her sight for a day. It just isn’t going to happen unless he takes it


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## Marc878

Fonelab used to be top rated. I hope you find nothing.


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## Marc878

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree, but he has a better chance of winning the powerball than getting that phone out of her sight for a day. It just isn’t going to happen unless he takes it


At this time you don’t ask.


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## Tested_by_stress

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck........"it's a duck"! You caught her by chance and she pushed the panic button.


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## Jeffsmith35

If she has an android phone, tap the 3 dots next to the magnifying glass on the main text screen and check the trash. If iphone, check her icloud backup.


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## GusPolinski

sumthin408 said:


> Mid-30's. Married for 8 years. No children. Sex life is great and relationship seems strong. We're each others best friend. No lie, this took me by surprise.
> 
> I'm posting here to understand if I have a valid concern or if I'm being way too paranoid/insecure/jealous.
> 
> One day my wife called me towards the end of her shift. She pocket dialed and I could hear her and a guy talking while getting into her car. Normal banter, nothing sexual. The phone hung up and I waited a couple of minutes and called her back. She answered and said she was driving a coworker home. I asked her who the coworker was and she responded with "just a coworker". I asked if I knew them and she said no, it's a guy named -name-. She called me back about 10min later as the coworker lived close by.
> 
> We chatted normally but it didn't sit well with me that she seemed to hesitate telling me who was in her car. I ended out checking our phone bill. One number stood out as this number was texting back and forth with her more than her and I do. Texts during work hours, after work hours (up until 9pmish), and texts during the weekend. I do a lookup on the number and the first name of the owner matches who she said it was when driving them home. A little bit more digging and I find the number does belong to her coworker. He's married and probably 5-15yrs older than her.
> 
> A little over 100 texts within two weeks, majority initiated by him. Some days (1 or 2) they were texting back and forth 20-30 times in an hour. She texted him right when she woke up on a Saturday. I've never seen these texts. They've all been deleted. I've never heard of this guy until I saw the phone bill and confronted her. She normally calls me at lunchtime and on the day before she drove him home, she didn't call me. I matched timestamps and she was texting back and forth with him and then it stopped for 45 minutes (I'm guessing her lunch) and then the texting picked back up (I could really just be reaching here).
> 
> I sat her down and told her about the call logs and how this was out of the ordinary (I need reassurance that this isn't something that's jeopardizing our relationship). We got into a huge fight. He's just a friend and I wouldn't have a problem if it was a female that she was texting. I think she's a ****. I didn't know there were rules on being friends with other men. etc etc. My response was mainly if it's a friend that you're this close to (seeing as she texts him more than her girlfriends), why haven't I heard of them. And yes, texting a female that much wouldn't bother me. She's never had a male friend in our entire relationship and I felt it was being kept a secret. Privacy is OK, secrecy doesn't sit well with me.
> 
> She told me that they (as well as other coworkers) play a game on their phones after work together and that's when they chat. I did look at her phone and the group chat (that doesn't include him) is still there. The timestamps between her/him are everywhere - morning, middle of day, and night.
> 
> She holds the position that he was just a friend and she could definitely be telling the truth, it's just hard to accept that that's all it could be.
> 
> We fought for a while. On her first day back at work, she quit her job. She had mentioned issues with her manager being too much and previously mentioned not liking the job. The guy texted her about a week and a half after she quit asking if everything was OK with her. I told her to shut it down and her message to him was "My marriage is having issues and I need some time away". I advised she blocks his number and stops all communication. I saw he contacted her on FB the same day he texted so I'm guessing they were chatting through there as well. She has since deleted her FB account (and blocked his number).
> 
> I hate writing this. Half of my gut tells me to trust the love of your life.. that she could never do this to you. I mean, our relationship seems great. I try to keep the mindset of always stay dating and I feel we are very good together. They could have simply just been friends that have a lot in common. I never saw the texts so I truly don't know. The other side of me says whoa this is new territory and these are red flags and I'm having a very difficult time accepting that it's just a friend.


Your concern is valid.


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## jsmart

Marc878 said:


> At this time you don’t ask.


Totally agree. Take the phone now before she does a factory reset. 

He better also confirm if she was fired for an inappropriate relationship. If she’s in a deep fog that would effect her ability to work. OP knows about the high amount of texting but he doesn’t know if they were IMing on Teams all day as well. People in an affair at work always think they’re able to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes but the body language always gives away.


I’d bet my next mortgage payment that this was a PA. I suspect it may have not been fully consummated, but think more than just kissing and petting took place.


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## Al_Bundy

The only bad thing is you've shown your hand and driven the affair even further underground. As others have said, you don't delete texts from friends.

Nobody has banged out more married women than "Just a Coworker" or "Just a Friend".


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## sumthin408

I asked for the phone to do a recovery and she gave it to me (iCloud backup had messages set to off). She's never been fired from a job and was recently promoted (retail). They weren't friends on FB but the last time I checked before the account was deleted, there was a message from him so I'm sure they were chatting through there as well. We just moved out here around 6 months ago and I work from home so she's either at work or at home. 

Nothing so far that shows as being recoverable besides the last two messages that I posted in the OP. I'm guessing overwritten, but going through the multiple apps to see.


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## Evinrude58

If you asked for it to do a recovery she’s already factory reset that bad boy.

she sounds like this ain’t her first rodeo to me


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## Marc878

jsmart said:


> Totally agree. Take the phone now before she does a factory reset.
> 
> He better also confirm if she was fired for an inappropriate relationship. If she’s in a deep fog that would effect her ability to work. OP knows about the high amount of texting but he doesn’t know if they were IMing on Teams all day as well. People in an affair at work always think they’re able to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes but the body language always gives away.
> 
> 
> I’d bet my next mortgage payment that this was a PA. I suspect it may have not been fully consummated, but think more than just kissing and petting took place.


He doesn’t know how often they’ve been going to his house. My bet is this wasn’t the first time.


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## sumthin408

Evinrude58 said:


> If you asked for it to do a recovery she’s already factory reset that bad boy.
> 
> she sounds like this ain’t her first rodeo to me


She still has the utilities apps installed from the last place we lived so I don't think it's been factory reset.


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## sumthin408

Marc878 said:


> He doesn’t know how often they’ve been going to his house. My bet is this wasn’t the first time.


Yep...


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## Marc878

sumthin408 said:


> I asked for the phone to do a recovery and she gave it to me (iCloud backup had messages set to off). She's never been fired from a job and was recently promoted (retail). They weren't friends on FB but the last time I checked before the account was deleted, there was a message from him so I'm sure they were chatting through there as well. We just moved out here around 6 months ago and I work from home so she's either at work or at home.
> 
> Nothing so far that shows as being recoverable besides the last two messages that I posted in the OP. I'm guessing overwritten, but going through the multiple apps to see.


You may want to have some one with experience look at it, it wasn’t overwritten that quick I doubt. What system are you using? Those free ones may not be that great. Most have a $50 fee.


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## Marc878

sumthin408 said:


> Yep...


I’m assuming he’s single?


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## Evinrude58

I’d hire someone that could rip that thing to shreds finding those texts.... information is gold in these situations.


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## jsmart

Marc878 said:


> He doesn’t know how often they’ve been going to his house. My bet is this wasn’t the first time.


What? She went to his house? I totally missed that. If he didn’t have her, he definitely was close. This cries out for a poly. 
Besides did you have sex question, have to ask did she give a BJ. I strongly suspect that is the level it reached.


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## Marc878

Top list



https://www.imobie.com/support/imessage-recovery-software.htm


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## jsmart

Evinrude58 said:


> I’d hire someone that could rip that thing to shreds finding those texts.... information is gold in these situations.


Yes, hire it out. Trying to do it yourself can end up missing stuff or worse yet accidentally deleting evidence.


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## sumthin408

Marc878 said:


> I’m assuming he’s single?


Married with kids


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## Captain Obvious

You said he’s married, contact his wife and see if she knows or suspects anything.


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## sumthin408

jsmart said:


> What? She went to his house? I totally missed that. If he didn’t have her, he definitely was close. This cries out for a poly.
> Besides did you have sex question, have to ask did she give a BJ. I strongly suspect that is the level it reached.


Yea, that's what raised my suspicion. She drove him home one day.


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## sumthin408

Marc878 said:


> You may want to have some one with experience look at it, it wasn’t overwritten that quick I doubt. What system are you using? Those free ones may not be that great. Most have a $50 fee.


Usually the free ones will show that it can recover, but not show you the text in the message. All of them are only showing the last two messages that were deleted. The last time they were texting a bunch was at the beginning of August so I may have waited too long to do the recovery. I've tried Dr. Fone, Phone Rescue, Fone Lab, and Stellar with no luck.


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## Marc878

It should show more than 2 texts. Somethings wrong. It’s not overwritten or it would show other texts.


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## Marc878

Under the circumstances id get some help. Shouldn’t be that much cost.


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## Evinrude58




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## sumthin408

Marc878 said:


> It should show more than 2 texts. Somethings wrong. It’s not overwritten or it would show other texts.


Two texts from him. Looks like it's recovering other messages (from others) back to a few days after they stopped texting.


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## Tested_by_stress

Wonder if his wife knows they are texting each other good morning first thing on Saturdays?


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## moulinyx

sumthin408 said:


> Two texts from him. Looks like it's recovering other messages (from others) back to a few days after they stopped texting.


 You can also check her location history to see how often and the duration of time she has frequented his house. It’s in the settings.


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## sumthin408

moulinyx said:


> You can also check her location history to see how often and the duration of time she has frequented his house. It’s in the settings.


This is a good one, thanks. Location tracking was on and his address is not in the significant locations (the dates go back before they started texting so looks like the history wasn't cleared). All of the locations shown were expected. Thanks for the tip!


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## Jeffsmith35

Do not let that phone out of your sight. Do the following:
1. Look up Digital Forensics Digital Forensics Service | Digital Evidence Analysis & Forensics Experts - Digital Forensics Corporation Call and ask if they can do a full analysis of the phone, and if they have a local franchise. Send it off to be analyzed.
2. Buy her a new phone to use.
3. Realize that the new phone may be the last thing you ever buy her after you get the results back.


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## jsmart

sumthin408 said:


> Married with kids


Blow his world up. His wife may have some evidence. Even if she can’t help with additional evidence, it’s the right thing to do. She may be wondering why her husband’s been acting distant and being protective of his phone. Having 2 eyes on them will ensure this doesn’t go dormant for a short time to then restart when they have lulled their spouses back to sleep. Affairs restarting after a few months is very common. 

Do not tell your wife you’re doing this. If she later complains about it, you will know that they’re still in communication.


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## Jeffsmith35

Also - Look for 2 calculator apps or 2 notepad apps. There are vault programs that are disguised as a calculator or notepad to hide things. Look up Weightlifter's standard evidence post and see what else you can find.


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## Jeffsmith35

You can also look for common communication apps like Whatsapp and Snapchat, or evidence that they were previously installed.


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## Jeffsmith35

You can also call her manager and ask point blank: Do you think my Wife is having an affair with her coworker?


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## Luckylucky

Female input here, it may not have been physical, I don’t think it was, but her reaction and her immediate message to him was extreme.

She has feelings for him and is planning a future with him, in her mind. Her quitting her job was a manipulative move, not the move of someone who wants to stop the fairytale she has in her head. She quit her job, and told her buddy straight away. I would say it’s your wife doing the chasing and not the other way around.

Don’t contact the other guy or his wife, lay very low, don’t say anymore to your wife about this and observe her very very closely. (And I don’t mean looking at her phone anymore, you watch her interactions with you). Do a lot of listening now, the more silent you are, the more she will spill. Policing her is boring and just going to take up a large chunk of your energy and you need to keep your head clear for any decisions you’ll need to make in the next 6-12 months.


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## johndoe12299

Ugh, Sorry OP. This has stench all over it. Agree you should have kept quiet and not said anything while you collected evidence. She's just going to take it further underground. Good luck.


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## sumthin408

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the responses, advice, and suggestions. Wow, this sucks. Everyone's responses were exactly what I was thinking.


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## jjj858

Evinrude58 said:


> I don’t understand. Your wife has a friend and talks to him often. She can’t have a friend? She can’t give a coworker a ride home? She has to report any change in calling habits to you? She has to keep a record of all calls so you can police them to determine if they’re acceptable? Do you check her clothes and have her correct them if they’re too revealing?
> 
> I have something to tell you. You’re a control freak. Your wife should not tolerate this ****** from you. I’m sorry you are so insecure that you can’t allow your wife to have a harmless male friend. One of these days maybe you’ll trust your wife and stop controlling her and allow her to have some happiness without looking over her shoulder.
> Consider seeing a therapist for your controlling behavior.
> 
> Or, you can ask yourself if you are so weak and fearful of losing your wife that you’ll tolerate a clear case of an emotional and quite likely physical affair. Your wife probably quit her job because she was cake eating and wanted to stay married while she banged her work husband, and didn’t want to stay and worry about someone she works with telling you the truth. I would absolutely get that phone and recover the deleted texts, and if she wouldn’t give the phone up for that, I’d divorce hee because she was absolutely guilty of cheating.
> 
> most likely she will eventually cave under overwhelming evidence (which I think You already have) and her famous phrase will be “it was never physical”. Lie. Classic lie.
> 
> I wish I could give you good news. I can’t. Don’t rugsweep. Get the truth and go from there.
> 
> of you ever felt guilt or bad for thinking your wife has been untrustworthy, you need to understand that is a weakness you need to get over. Because this may have gotten stopped before physicality occurred, but if you rugsweep, there will be a repeat performance.


once again you seem to be taking the side of the woman and potential adulterer. Married women don’t need guy friends. If some guy from work is texting her at all hours he’s trying to get into her pants, period.


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## moulinyx

jjj858 said:


> once again you seem to be taking the side of the woman and potential adulterer. Married women don’t need guy friends. If some guy from work is texting her at all hours he’s trying to get into her pants, period.


The top part of her post was sarcasm from his wayward’s view. The second part was the actual “stance” on the matter.


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## jjj858

Not advice or telling you to do this, only describing how this is done. 

On the phone if it’s an iPhone go to:

Settings > Privacy > Location Services > Services >Significant Locations

this will show about two months of GPS data as well as the time and amount of time spent at a particular location. If there are any repeated visits to a residential street address that’s a huge red flag. Or any visits to location that appears to be hotels. I would check this from time to time. You do need the Lock Screen code to get into it. Most people have no idea their phone stores this data.


----------



## jjj858

moulinyx said:


> The top part of her post was sarcasm from his wayward’s view. The second part was the actual “stance” on the matter.


oh my bad then. Sorry Evin.


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## Evinrude58

jjj858 said:


> oh my bad then. Sorry Evin.


No problem, we are in agreement on this guys efforts to get in pants.


----------



## AttaBoy

sumthin408 said:


> Usually the free ones will show that it can recover, but not show you the text in the message. All of them are only showing the last two messages that were deleted. The last time they were texting a bunch was at the beginning of August so I may have waited too long to do the recovery. I've tried Dr. Fone, Phone Rescue, Fone Lab, and Stellar with no luck.


The fact that she just handed you the phone isn't a sign of innocence, it's a sign of her being one (or many) steps ahead. There have been threads that revealed the existence of a burner or duplicate phone. One I recall had a second identical to her regular one. The fact that communication stopped showing on the phone she handed over likely means it switched routes. 
So far you being firm and methodical. Keep it up.


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## DownByTheRiver

Every time I see someone getting upset because texts or communications deleted I just roll my eyes. I keep all my email and texts totally cleaned up at all times and there's no one I'm hiding it from because I am by myself. It's called not being messy and disorganized.

In the past when I was younger and worked I had so many male buddies that would even come over after work and watch TV or something like that. It was before texting. I lived near work and once in awhile a couple would come to my place for lunch. Or we'd go out to lunch.

It was just a circle of friends that I met at work. A couple were married. I had already met the wives because sometimes they would bring them to work related functions or out to a gig.

Texting has just become something that is so easy to do and takes so little time that people seem to think it's perfectly fine to text co-workers after hours. A lot of times they're just hashing over something else that's going on in the office. I wouldn't have liked it if my bosses had started bugging me via text after work, but I wouldn't have minded talking to a couple of coworkers after hours. I even had a couple of salesmen call me at home after hours. It wasn't midnight or anything like that. It was usually shortly after I got home like maybe 7:00 or so.

You blew this way up out of proportion. I don't disagree that she needs to recognize some boundaries to the point where she isn't letting someone monopolize that much of her time with texting. (Edited by author)

Calmly discussing with her and setting some parameters for how often someone from work should be chatting her up in her private time is reasonable enough, but whatever went on between you two made her quit her job and that is just wrong wrong wrong.

You didn't see any sexting or anything. Do you think she's such a chump that if a man talks to her enough, then he'll automatically get in her pants? You know you can't monitor someone enough to keep them from cheating and I don't know what the point would be if you could.

I think the appropriate thing to say to her about a bunch of texting with that guy would just have been to mention that he certainly cutting into your after hours life and just let her know it seemed excessive.

Honestly if she was carrying on a big affair with this guy, there's no way she would have been doing all this right in front of you like she was. At least give her credit for having better sense than that. If she's having an affair with someone that's the last person you would catch her texting with while you're with her


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## sumthin408

DownByTheRiver said:


> Every time I see someone getting upset because texts are communications deleted I just roll my eyes. I keep all my email and texts totally cleaned up at all times and there's no one I'm hiding it from because I am by myself. It's called not being messy and disorganized.
> 
> In the past when I was younger and worked I had so many male buddies that would even come over after work and watch TV or something like that. It was before texting. I lived near work and once in awhile a couple would come to my place for lunch. Or we'd go out to lunch.
> 
> It was just a circle of friends that I met at work. A couple were married. I had already met the wives because sometimes they would bring them to work related functions or out to a gig.
> 
> Texting has just become something that is so easy to do and takes so little time that people seem to think it's perfectly fine to text co-workers after hours. A lot of times they're just hashing over something else that's going on in the office. I wouldn't have liked it if my bosses had started bugging me via text after work, but I wouldn't have minded talking to a couple of coworkers after hours. I even had a couple of salesmen call me at home after hours. It wasn't midnight or anything like that. It was usually shortly after I got home like maybe 7:00 or so.
> 
> You blew this way up out of proportion. I don't disagree that she needs to recognize some boundaries to the point where she isn't letting someone monopolize that much of her time with texting. Your comment about how you would have been upset even if it had been a female really bothered me. Is she not allowed to have friends? To me of everything you said, that was the real red flag. You just don't discourage people to not spend time with their same sex friends who they may have known for years. That's just not reasonable.
> 
> Calmly discussing with her and setting some parameters for how often someone from work should be chatting her up in her private time is reasonable enough, but whatever went on between you two made her quit her job and that is just wrong wrong wrong.
> 
> You didn't see any sexting or anything. Do you think she's such a chum that if a man talks to her enough, then he'll automatically get in her pants? You know you can't monitor someone enough to keep them from cheating and I don't know what the point would be if you could.
> 
> I think the appropriate thing to say to her about a bunch of texting with that guy would just have been to mention that he certainly cutting into your after hours life and just let her know it seemed excessive.
> 
> Honestly if she was carrying on a big affair with this guy, there's no way she would have been doing all this right in front of you like she was. At least give her credit for having better sense than that. If she's having an affair with someone that's the last person you would catch her texting with while you're with her


Thanks for the comment and the perspective. My post said I wouldn’t have been upset if she was texting another woman. I have no issue with that. A male friend is something she’s never had in our relationship so it caught me off guard.

I appreciate the response.


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## DownByTheRiver

Sorry, I did misread that part.

By the way, the recent she tried to avoid telling you the guy's name is because it's embarrassing for people at work to know that your husband is checking up on you and quizzing you and doesn't trust you. You're just setting yourself up for the "old ball and chain" comments, which can undermine your authority at work. Save it for when she comes home.


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## sumthin408

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sorry, I did misread that part.


No worries. She got promoted a few weeks back and everyday she seemed broken down and expressed her hate for the job and her boss. She called me while she was at work telling me she was going to quit and I told her I would support whatever decision she makes. I never asked her to quit and I can understand the situation we’re in could be the main catalyst for her quitting.


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## Diana7

DownByTheRiver said:


> Every time I see someone getting upset because texts or communications deleted I just roll my eyes. I keep all my email and texts totally cleaned up at all times and there's no one I'm hiding it from because I am by myself. It's called not being messy and disorganized.
> 
> In the past when I was younger and worked I had so many male buddies that would even come over after work and watch TV or something like that. It was before texting. I lived near work and once in awhile a couple would come to my place for lunch. Or we'd go out to lunch.
> 
> It was just a circle of friends that I met at work. A couple were married. I had already met the wives because sometimes they would bring them to work related functions or out to a gig.
> 
> Texting has just become something that is so easy to do and takes so little time that people seem to think it's perfectly fine to text co-workers after hours. A lot of times they're just hashing over something else that's going on in the office. I wouldn't have liked it if my bosses had started bugging me via text after work, but I wouldn't have minded talking to a couple of coworkers after hours. I even had a couple of salesmen call me at home after hours. It wasn't midnight or anything like that. It was usually shortly after I got home like maybe 7:00 or so.
> 
> You blew this way up out of proportion. I don't disagree that she needs to recognize some boundaries to the point where she isn't letting someone monopolize that much of her time with texting. (Edited by author)
> 
> Calmly discussing with her and setting some parameters for how often someone from work should be chatting her up in her private time is reasonable enough, but whatever went on between you two made her quit her job and that is just wrong wrong wrong.
> 
> You didn't see any sexting or anything. Do you think she's such a chump that if a man talks to her enough, then he'll automatically get in her pants? You know you can't monitor someone enough to keep them from cheating and I don't know what the point would be if you could.
> 
> I think the appropriate thing to say to her about a bunch of texting with that guy would just have been to mention that he certainly cutting into your after hours life and just let her know it seemed excessive.
> 
> Honestly if she was carrying on a big affair with this guy, there's no way she would have been doing all this right in front of you like she was. At least give her credit for having better sense than that. If she's having an affair with someone that's the last person you would catch her texting with while you're with her


I think it depends on the extent of the texting. If its just an occasional text fine, if its hundreds including first thing in the morning and late at night, its clearly crossed the line as in this case.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy

My ex husbands ex wife cheated on him while he was away in the Navy. He found a 2nd phone in her drawer. Your wife may have a 2nd phone if she gave you her phone so easily. Take her phone to a professional who can bring back all texts, photos etc. Also look through all her apps. She could have an app were she secretly stores her messages. It could look like a simple calculator app. A professional would find any secret apps I think. If she has an ipad, laptop, pc check all those too.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## Blondilocks

I guess I don't understand the need to constantly text a coworker while you're working. What type of work do they do where they can have a phone in their hands all day long? Don't their supervisors complain about all of the texting?


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## Trustless Marriage

If your wife hasn't cheated yet, many times spending so much time with someone else will lead to cheating. If she had nothing to hide, she would have told you about this guy and open up all her electronics for you to look at. I thought my wife would be the last person on earth to lie to me. But I found out that she did on many occasions and she always had the excuse "I didn't want to hurt you". I told her if that is a valid excuse for everything then you have a free ticket to do whatever you want!

This is not normal. She is hiding something and thinks you are a fool.


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## Diana7

There is no reason not to tell a spouse if you are giving a work colleague/friend a lift home unless there is something to hide.


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## sumthin408

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sorry, I did misread that part.
> 
> By the way, the recent she tried to avoid telling you the guy's name is because it's embarrassing for people at work to know that your husband is checking up on you and quizzing you and doesn't trust you. You're just setting yourself up for the "old ball and chain" comments, which can undermine your authority at work. Save it for when she comes home.


I can understand that. I feel like a simple "Hey I'm driving one of the guys from work home since he's having car issues" would suffice for me. That's her reason for driving him home - car issues. 

She did mention she hates the fact that when she stayed late with her boss (female), the boss said I hope your husband is OK with this and the guy she drove home said I hope I didn't get you in trouble for driving me home. 

But I get it. I can see my lack of trust and asking those questions in front of a coworker can be embarrassing.


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## Luckylucky

If her boss commented, I suspect she didn’t think it was appropriate either, and thought more of it too. Which gives me reason to believe she hated her job for other reasons - doesn’t like being called out, and very embarrassed. Yes the boss thought something was going on, she quit because of this relationship, but not because she wanted to stop it. Again, it sounds like your wife was instigating this, given the comment from the co-worker too, ‘I hope I didn’t cause trouble.’ Sheesh! And immediately texting him to tell him she’s got marriage troubles. She’s got troubles everywhere alright.


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## sumthin408

Blondilocks said:


> I guess I don't understand the need to constantly text a coworker while you're working. What type of work do they do where they can have a phone in their hands all day long? Don't their supervisors complain about all of the texting?


They're both supervisors. I don't understand either. In our whole relationship she's been someone who isn't tied to her phone. If I text her, I know I'll get something back on her break or a call back during lunch. But I noticed on some occasions when he texted her during the workday, she responded within minutes. I've been looking at the call logs and lining things up. I also notice that on a few of the days before she calls me when she's leaving work, they exchange a few texts.

They work in different departments in a large retail spot (several acres). Communication should be done over the work phone.


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## sumthin408

Luckylucky said:


> If her boss commented, I suspect she didn’t think it was appropriate either, and thought more of it too. Which gives me reason to believe she hated her job for other reasons - doesn’t like being called out, and very embarrassed. Yes the boss thought something was going on, she quit because of this relationship, but not because she wanted to stop it. Again, it sounds like your wife was instigating this, given the comment from the co-worker too, ‘I hope I didn’t cause trouble.’ Sheesh! And immediately texting him to tell him she’s got marriage troubles. She’s got troubles everywhere alright.


I'm a bit confused on this response. Her interaction with her boss and driving the guy home happened on two different days. In this scenario, it was her and her boss working an hour late (as far as I know) and her boss made that comment. I was guessing it was more along the lines of spouses getting mad when the other one has to unexpectedly work late.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

sumthin408 said:


> Mid-30's. Married for 8 years. No children. Sex life is great and relationship seems strong. We're each others best friend. No lie, this took me by surprise.
> 
> I'm posting here to understand if I have a valid concern or if I'm being way too paranoid/insecure/jealous.
> 
> One day my wife called me towards the end of her shift. She pocket dialed and I could hear her and a guy talking while getting into her car. Normal banter, nothing sexual. The phone hung up and I waited a couple of minutes and called her back. She answered and said she was driving a coworker home. I asked her who the coworker was and she responded with "just a coworker". I asked if I knew them and she said no, it's a guy named -name-. She called me back about 10min later as the coworker lived close by.
> 
> We chatted normally but it didn't sit well with me that she seemed to hesitate telling me who was in her car. I ended out checking our phone bill. One number stood out as this number was texting back and forth with her more than her and I do. Texts during work hours, after work hours (up until 9pmish), and texts during the weekend. I do a lookup on the number and the first name of the owner matches who she said it was when driving them home. A little bit more digging and I find the number does belong to her coworker. He's married and probably 5-15yrs older than her.
> 
> A little over 100 texts within two weeks, majority initiated by him. Some days (1 or 2) they were texting back and forth 20-30 times in an hour. She texted him right when she woke up on a Saturday. I've never seen these texts. They've all been deleted. I've never heard of this guy until I saw the phone bill and confronted her. She normally calls me at lunchtime and on the day before she drove him home, she didn't call me. I matched timestamps and she was texting back and forth with him and then it stopped for 45 minutes (I'm guessing her lunch) and then the texting picked back up (I could really just be reaching here).
> 
> I sat her down and told her about the call logs and how this was out of the ordinary (I need reassurance that this isn't something that's jeopardizing our relationship). We got into a huge fight. He's just a friend and I wouldn't have a problem if it was a female that she was texting. I think she's a ****. I didn't know there were rules on being friends with other men. etc etc. My response was mainly if it's a friend that you're this close to (seeing as she texts him more than her girlfriends), why haven't I heard of them. And yes, texting a female that much wouldn't bother me. She's never had a male friend in our entire relationship and I felt it was being kept a secret. Privacy is OK, secrecy doesn't sit well with me.
> 
> She told me that they (as well as other coworkers) play a game on their phones after work together and that's when they chat. I did look at her phone and the group chat (that doesn't include him) is still there. The timestamps between her/him are everywhere - morning, middle of day, and night.
> 
> She holds the position that he was just a friend and she could definitely be telling the truth, it's just hard to accept that that's all it could be.
> 
> We fought for a while. On her first day back at work, she quit her job. She had mentioned issues with her manager being too much and previously mentioned not liking the job. The guy texted her about a week and a half after she quit asking if everything was OK with her. I told her to shut it down and her message to him was "My marriage is having issues and I need some time away". I advised she blocks his number and stops all communication. I saw he contacted her on FB the same day he texted so I'm guessing they were chatting through there as well. She has since deleted her FB account (and blocked his number).
> 
> I hate writing this. Half of my gut tells me to trust the love of your life.. that she could never do this to you. I mean, our relationship seems great. I try to keep the mindset of always stay dating and I feel we are very good together. They could have simply just been friends that have a lot in common. I never saw the texts so I truly don't know. The other side of me says whoa this is new territory and these are red flags and I'm having a very difficult time accepting that it's just a friend.


I think you dodged a major bullet here. Without seeing the texts it is hard to say if it it rose to the level of an emotional affair, but it was definitely an inappropriate relationship. I know I would want to see every single text my wife sent to a man where there were mores texts sent than to me, her husband. You are right, they could have simply been just friends, but even so your concerns and feeling are completely valid. 

This is my personal gut feeling, but I don't think there was an affair, but it was dangerously heading in that direction. Once you confronted her I think it scared the crap out of her, which is why she deleted FB, blocked him, and maybe even why she quit her job. She may not have intended to cheat and she may not have even yet realized it was heading in that direction. I'm hopeful that your conversation with her was a wakeup call that allowed her to see it was inappropriate and likely headed for disaster, even if that isn't what she intended. If you are really unsure though, you could suggest a polygraph, but without more evidence of something inappropriate that may come off as extreme and overboard. 

You are not being a bad man for expressing your feeling and concerns when you've seen behavior from your wife that you consider unusual. If you haven't already done it, I would have a frank conversation with her about your boundaries moving forward. For example, sure you can have male friends and collogues, but no conversations with them can be deleted and there must be complete transparency and access to her communication devices. Same standard applies to you of course. For male friends there is no contact outside of work related activities that doesn't involve you. Those are not unreasonable or oppressive boundaries. From what you've posted you don't seem to be unreasonable and I think any other boundaries you come up with will probably be appropriate. I know for me personally, if I were giving a coworker a ride home, male or female, I would be calling or texting my wife to let her know I am taking so-and-so home, and that I would be heading home soon. I would probably tell her when I'm heading out for home. This wouldn't be because I fear she doesn't trust me, it is just the normal level of communication for a married couple in my opinion. She should be able to understand that.


----------



## Luckylucky

Sorry I misunderstood, I thought the boss was commenting on her driving the guy home


----------



## jsmart

I want to believe it didn’t go physical but the fact that she was deleting text and most importantly went to his house, leads me to believe that it did. At a bare minimum it was heading in that direction at a very fast pace. Her reaction at being confronted is of some teenage girl being told by her father “you can’t see that boy”.

You need a professional to get into that phone. Don’t cheap out, it will be money well spent . Either it will give you reassurance that it didn’t reach the PA level, so you can try to R with some confidence or it will give the evidence that she betrayed you and you can D with a clear conscience.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

sumthin408 said:


> I can understand that. I feel like a simple "Hey I'm driving one of the guys from work home since he's having car issues" would suffice for me. That's her reason for driving him home - car issues.
> 
> She did mention she hates the fact that when she stayed late with her boss (female), the boss said I hope your husband is OK with this and the guy she drove home said I hope I didn't get you in trouble for driving me home.
> 
> But I get it. I can see my lack of trust and asking those questions in front of a coworker can be embarrassing.


I'm glad you can see that now. See, her superiors at work have already somehow gotten a whiff that she has a suspicious husband, and that diminishes what they think of her and how much they respect her. I imagine they are thinking something along the lines of I'm not sure she has leadership potential because she lets her husband run all over her. 

You need to wait until things calm down and then talk to her about these things and you need to stop your over the top reactions to them and let her know that. And in the process, maybe you'll find out if there was any substance whatsoever to her relationship with her work friend. I seriously doubt it since she just walked away from the job and he seemed mystified. 

Is this dude even attractive? You need to take all these things into consideration before jumping to conclusions. My thinking is that he isn't even attractive or he wouldn't have so much time to be just texting a coworker. He'd be out on dates. My take on this guy is he has nothing better to do. Of course yes that could mean he had a crush on her, or not. But again, you should know your wife well enough by now to know if she is flaky enough to just sleep with any man who pays attention to her. And if she is, ask yourself why you married her. 

Cheaters hide it. Her being organized and deleting texts is really more what normal people do rather than hoard them which just makes it harder to look at texts when you receive them or need to send one. 

I hope you sort this stuff out and understand how your wife's brain works instead of how your brain works, which seems to be that a person would cheat if they had the opportunity, and I hope you realize that that says more about you than it does about her. 

If you end up getting a confession that she did in fact sleep with this guy, then the lesson learned is that you didn't get to know her mind and how she thinks and her ethics before you married her and instead projected yours on to her. I certainly hope that's not the case and nothing happened and everything works out.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm glad you can see that now. See, her superiors at work have already somehow gotten a whiff that she has a suspicious husband, and that diminishes what they think of her and how much they respect her. I imagine they are thinking something along the lines of I'm not sure she has leadership potential because she lets her husband run all over her.
> 
> You need to wait until things calm down and then talk to her about these things and you need to stop your over the top reactions to them and let her know that. And in the process, maybe you'll find out if there was any substance whatsoever to her relationship with her work friend. I seriously doubt it since she just walked away from the job and he seemed mystified.
> 
> Is this dude even attractive? You need to take all these things into consideration before jumping to conclusions. My thinking is that he isn't even attractive or he wouldn't have so much time to be just texting a coworker. He'd be out on dates. My take on this guy is he has nothing better to do. Of course yes that could mean he had a crush on her, or not. But again, you should know your wife well enough by now to know if she is flaky enough to just sleep with any man who pays attention to her. And if she is, ask yourself why you married her.
> 
> Cheaters hide it. Her being organized and deleting texts is really more what normal people do rather than hoard them which just makes it harder to look at texts when you receive them or need to send one.
> 
> I hope you sort this stuff out and understand how your wife's brain works instead of how your brain works, which seems to be that a person would cheat if they had the opportunity, and I hope you realize that that says more about you than it does about her.
> 
> If you end up getting a confession that she did in fact sleep with this guy, then the lesson learned is that you didn't get to know her mind and how she thinks and her ethics before you married her and instead projected yours on to her. I certainly hope that's not the case and nothing happened and everything works out.


I think you have made some incorrect assumptions and missed some facts.

First off, the OM is married. OP said so in first post that he is married and 5-15years older than his wife. Later even said he had kids. And attractiveness of the OM, especially in the opinion of the husband, is meaningless. There is another recent post about a 36 year old woman having a 5 year sexual affair with a fat 70 something contractor until the day he died. Nothing would surprise me.

There is no indication that her coworkers think she has a jealous husband. There is no information here that he has brought this kind of thing up before and it sounds like they have only been in their current location for about 6 months. I have had bosses that kept me at work late and made very similar comments. Along the lines of, "apologize to your wife for me for keeping you late." Or, "if your wife is upset, have her call me and I'll apologize." They never thought my wife was the jealous type, it was just a normal thing to say. And it didn't hurt my career in any way.

You may be right about the deleting of texts and her just being organized, but I can see why her actions raised suspicion in her husband's mind and I think he was completely right to bring it up to her. Put yourself in his shoes. If your SO had 100's of texts with someone of the opposite sex at all hours that they have never mentioned to you, regularly deleted all communication between them, and you only learned any of this because you were butt dialed while your SO was about to drive that person home, wouldn't you be even slightly suspicious? If something makes you feel uncomfortable you have to talk about it. I think a lot of marital problems could be avoided or stopped before they destroy a marriage beyond repair if the couple just talked. If you see discussions and actions that are red flags that make you uncomfortable, say something before it is too late. Maybe snap them out of something they would regret later. Just like sexless marriages. If you say something as it starts to decline, rather than waiting for years and frequency to drop to birthdays and anniversaries, you will have a much better chance of fixing things. 

We definitely agree on your last point. I hope this all works out.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think you have made some incorrect assumptions and missed some facts.
> 
> First off, the OM is married. OP said so in first post that he is married and 5-15years older than his wife. Later even said he had kids. And attractiveness of the OM, especially in the opinion of the husband, is meaningless. There is another recent post about a 36 year old woman having a 5 year sexual affair with a fat 70 something contractor until the day he died. Nothing would surprise me.
> 
> There is no indication that her coworkers think she has a jealous husband. There is no information here that he has brought this kind of thing up before and it sounds like they have only been in their current location for about 6 months. I have had bosses that kept me at work late and made very similar comments. Along the lines of, "apologize to your wife for me for keeping you late." Or, "if your wife is upset, have her call me and I'll apologize." They never thought my wife was the jealous type, it was just a normal thing to say. And it didn't hurt my career in any way.
> 
> You may be right about the deleting of texts and her just being organized, but I can see why her actions raised suspicion in her husband's mind and I think he was completely right to bring it up to her. Put yourself in his shoes. If your SO had 100's of texts with someone of the opposite sex at all hours that they have never mentioned to you, regularly deleted all communication between them, and you only learned any of this because you were butt dialed while your SO was about to drive that person home, wouldn't you be even slightly suspicious? If something makes you feel uncomfortable you have to talk about it. I think a lot of marital problems could be avoided or stopped before they destroy a marriage beyond repair if the couple just talked. If you see discussions and actions that are red flags that make you uncomfortable, say something before it is too late. Maybe snap them out of something they would regret later. Just like sexless marriages. If you say something as it starts to decline, rather than waiting for years and frequency to drop to birthdays and anniversaries, you will have a much better chance of fixing things.
> 
> We definitely agree on your last point. I hope this all works out.


I disagree.


----------



## sumthin408

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm glad you can see that now. See, her superiors at work have already somehow gotten a whiff that she has a suspicious husband, and that diminishes what they think of her and how much they respect her. I imagine they are thinking something along the lines of I'm not sure she has leadership potential because she lets her husband run all over her.
> 
> You need to wait until things calm down and then talk to her about these things and you need to stop your over the top reactions to them and let her know that. And in the process, maybe you'll find out if there was any substance whatsoever to her relationship with her work friend. I seriously doubt it since she just walked away from the job and he seemed mystified.
> 
> Is this dude even attractive? You need to take all these things into consideration before jumping to conclusions. My thinking is that he isn't even attractive or he wouldn't have so much time to be just texting a coworker. He'd be out on dates. My take on this guy is he has nothing better to do. Of course yes that could mean he had a crush on her, or not. But again, you should know your wife well enough by now to know if she is flaky enough to just sleep with any man who pays attention to her. And if she is, ask yourself why you married her.
> 
> Cheaters hide it. Her being organized and deleting texts is really more what normal people do rather than hoard them which just makes it harder to look at texts when you receive them or need to send one.
> 
> *I hope you sort this stuff out and understand how your wife's brain works instead of how your brain works, which seems to be that a person would cheat if they had the opportunity, and I hope you realize that that says more about you than it does about her.*
> 
> If you end up getting a confession that she did in fact sleep with this guy, then the lesson learned is that you didn't get to know her mind and how she thinks and her ethics before you married her and instead projected yours on to her. I certainly hope that's not the case and nothing happened and everything works out.


This hits hard and thank you for this. And I get that, she tends to clean out her texts while I'm a hoarder of mine. For me, it was seeing that other texts that happened around the same time were not deleted. Yet, she's never given me a reason (until now) to worry. And to your bold, yup that says a lot about me and that is a mindset I need to work on.

If I was a 10, he would be a 2. He is not attractive at all. My wife is very attractive so I'm sure he had a crush (If I looked like him, I would be stoked to be chatting with somebody out of my league as well). I'm a very charismatic and physically fit guy with a great career. And I try to put my all into being a great husband. During my thinking it did run through my head "Really! This guy... he's ugly"

Thanks again for the comment. I plan to sit down with her and see what we can do about this.


----------



## sumthin408

^^Yeah I don't think the coworkers and manager (owner) really knew about me. That comment from the owner about hoping your husband isn't mad was made off the cuff by her.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

sumthin408 said:


> This hits hard and thank you for this. And I get that, she tends to clean out her texts while I'm a hoarder of mine. For me, it was seeing that other texts that happened around the same time were not deleted. Yet, she's never given me a reason (until now) to worry. And to your bold, yup that says a lot about me and that is a mindset I need to work on.
> 
> If I was a 10, he would be a 2. He is not attractive at all. My wife is very attractive so I'm sure he had a crush (If I looked like him, I would be stoked to be chatting with somebody out of my league as well). I'm a very charismatic and physically fit guy with a great career. And I try to put my all into being a great husband. During my thinking it did run through my head "Really! This guy... he's ugly"
> 
> Thanks again for the comment. I plan to sit down with her and see what we can do about this.


Yep, you need to quit worrying about it. He may have crushed on her, but she's not a child and just enjoyed the friendship, I'm sure. It's also possible he didn't crush on her, but knowing guys, he probably did. Still, it's no indication she'd EVER be interested that way, so can't imagine how frustrating it must be for her to think she'd sleep with that unattractive co-employee just because he's talking to her. I doubt very much since he's not attractive at all that there was ever anything sexual that she conveyed to him. And I have to believe it wouldn't have sustained as a friendship if he had been harassing her with sexual innuendo either. Have some faith. Try to enjoy your wife and trust that she has better ethics than to F some convenient guy no matter how unattractive he is. I mean, that's not who you married. You must know that. 

I bet if he ever took it into that arena, she'd have shut him down pretty quick anyway. He probably was smart enough not to go there. And maybe they did just develop a nice comraderie. Anyway, she's made clear she can live without it, so there you go. Good luck.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

DownByTheRiver said:


> I disagree.


Do you disagree with the cold hard facts or just my opinion? I respect that you don't agree with my opinion, but not agreeing with absolute facts just make you look stupid and very biased.


----------



## sumthin408

I completely understand that my opinion of the attractiveness of him means nothing. And I've also gotten that at work "Tell your wife sorry I'm keeping you here". I think that's just normal banter. 

The most important thing for me is I saw it, it raised my suspicion, and we discussed it. In that discussion (and subsequent ones), we found we lack communication skills with each other and the understanding of boundaries. Those have been cemented now. I pushed really hard to get her to "just admit it" without listening to her and I'm trying to take a step back and look at this from all angles.

From my perspective, if that was me and a female coworker, I would figure that many texts would be at least an EA. That's my perspective and my mindset though (kind of goes back to lacking communication and setting boundaries). 

I have every right to be suspicious and pissed off. There was secrecy (even if just a friend) and that's a no-go for me. She also has a right to be mad at how I've reacted and not really hearing her out.

We've got work to do if it's going to last and I need to keep my eyes open. Thanks everyone


----------



## BigDaddyNY

sumthin408 said:


> I completely understand that my opinion of the attractiveness of him means nothing. And I've also gotten that at work "Tell your wife sorry I'm keeping you here". I think that's just normal banter.
> 
> The most important thing for me is I saw it, it raised my suspicion, and we discussed it. In that discussion (and subsequent ones), we found we lack communication skills with each other and the understanding of boundaries. Those have been cemented now. I pushed really hard to get her to "just admit it" without listening to her and I'm trying to take a step back and look at this from all angles.
> 
> From my perspective, if that was me and a female coworker, I would figure that many texts would be at least an EA. That's my perspective and my mindset though (kind of goes back to lacking communication and setting boundaries).
> 
> I have every right to be suspicious and pissed off. There was secrecy (even if just a friend) and that's a no-go for me. She also has a right to be mad at how I've reacted and not really hearing her out.
> 
> We've got work to do if it's going to last and I need to keep my eyes open. Thanks everyone


I think you are in the right mindset and seem to have a good plan to improve things with your wife. It amazes me how many issues I see posted here that got to the boiling point simply due to lack of communication. You would think it would just come naturally for a married couple to have open lines of communication, but it doesn't. It requires a conscious effort. I applaud you for being decisive wasting no time to talk about improving on both sides.


----------



## Marc878

sumthin408 said:


> This hits hard and thank you for this. And I get that, she tends to clean out her texts while I'm a hoarder of mine. For me, it was seeing that other texts that happened around the same time were not deleted. Yet, she's never given me a reason (until now) to worry. And to your bold, yup that says a lot about me and that is a mindset I need to work on.
> 
> If I was a 10, he would be a 2. He is not attractive at all. My wife is very attractive so I'm sure he had a crush (If I looked like him, I would be stoked to be chatting with somebody out of my league as well). I'm a very charismatic and physically fit guy with a great career. And I try to put my all into being a great husband. During my thinking it did run through my head "Really! This guy... he's ugly"
> 
> Thanks again for the comment. I plan to sit down with her and see what we can do about this.


His attractiveness or lack of may or may not be relevant. If you’ve been around this stuff long enough you see all the time. I can’t believe they got involved with that. Your problem is right now you just don’t know.


----------



## jjj858

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm glad you can see that now. See, her superiors at work have already somehow gotten a whiff that she has a suspicious husband, and that diminishes what they think of her and how much they respect her. I imagine they are thinking something along the lines of I'm not sure she has leadership potential because she lets her husband run all over her.
> 
> You need to wait until things calm down and then talk to her about these things and you need to stop your over the top reactions to them and let her know that. And in the process, maybe you'll find out if there was any substance whatsoever to her relationship with her work friend. I seriously doubt it since she just walked away from the job and he seemed mystified.
> 
> Is this dude even attractive? You need to take all these things into consideration before jumping to conclusions. My thinking is that he isn't even attractive or he wouldn't have so much time to be just texting a coworker. He'd be out on dates. My take on this guy is he has nothing better to do. Of course yes that could mean he had a crush on her, or not. But again, you should know your wife well enough by now to know if she is flaky enough to just sleep with any man who pays attention to her. And if she is, ask yourself why you married her.
> 
> Cheaters hide it. Her being organized and deleting texts is really more what normal people do rather than hoard them which just makes it harder to look at texts when you receive them or need to send one.
> 
> I hope you sort this stuff out and understand how your wife's brain works instead of how your brain works, which seems to be that a person would cheat if they had the opportunity, and I hope you realize that that says more about you than it does about her.
> 
> If you end up getting a confession that she did in fact sleep with this guy, then the lesson learned is that you didn't get to know her mind and how she thinks and her ethics before you married her and instead projected yours on to her. I certainly hope that's not the case and nothing happened and everything works out.


Attractiveness doesn’t seem to factor in much. 90% of the time the affair partner is less attractive. What’s attractive to people who engage in affairs is the attention and the rush of sneaking around to have sex. They’re getting the same hormonal rush that they got when they started the relationship with their significant other.


----------



## sumthin408

Marc878 said:


> His attractiveness or lack of may or may not be relevant. If you’ve been around this stuff long enjoy you see all the time. I can’t believe they got involved with that. Your problem is right now you just don’t know.


Definitely. My mom has been cheated on by her husband with many a ghastly looking women (imo compared to her). I've seen it a lot where attractiveness is not a factor. Like said above^^ it's the excitement they get out of it.


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## jjj858

Also OP’s wife may have been attracted to this guy. You aren’t going to invest much time texting the weird quiet dude at work or the homely chick from accounting.


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## sumthin408

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think you are in the right mindset and seem to have a good plan to improve things with your wife. It amazes me how many issues I see posted here that got to the boiling point simply due to lack of communication. You would think it would just come naturally for a married couple to have open lines of communication, but it doesn't. It requires a conscious effort. I applaud you for being decisive wasting no time to talk about improving on both sides.


Thank you. Common sense and common courtesy make me think open lines of communication in a marriage would come naturally, but definitely not always the case.


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## Marc878

Bud, common sense is not so common.


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## sumthin408

jjj858 said:


> Also OP’s wife may have been attracted to this guy. You aren’t going to invest much time texting the weird quiet dude at work or the homely chick from accounting.


Could be. I just don't know.


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## sumthin408

Marc878 said:


> Bud, common sense is not so common.


By far one of my most favorite sayings


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## jsmart

sumthin408 said:


> I completely understand that my opinion of the attractiveness of him means nothing. And I've also gotten that at work "Tell your wife sorry I'm keeping you here". I think that's just normal banter.
> 
> The most important thing for me is I saw it, it raised my suspicion, and we discussed it. In that discussion (and subsequent ones), we found we lack communication skills with each other and the understanding of boundaries. Those have been cemented now. I pushed really hard to get her to "just admit it" without listening to her and I'm trying to take a step back and look at this from all angles.
> 
> From my perspective, if that was me and a female coworker, I would figure that many texts would be at least an EA. That's my perspective and my mindset though (kind of goes back to lacking communication and setting boundaries).
> 
> I have every right to be suspicious and pissed off. There was secrecy (even if just a friend) and that's a no-go for me. She also has a right to be mad at how I've reacted and not really hearing her out.
> 
> We've got work to do if it's going to last and I need to keep my eyes open. Thanks everyone


Do not let some posters make you doubt what you found. This was at a bare minimum, an emotional affair. She deleted their text but left others, so any talk about removing it to free up space or reduce clutter is complete hogwash.

You also better not let the fact that he’s not handsome in a traditional sense or is older that your wife was not into him. The reason they were texting like teenagers and her deleting his text was because she knew what she was doing was wrong and did not want to stop it. Do not project what you want on to a woman. They are more drawn to a guy’s confidence, social status, and swag. We have many threads that had a WW willing to blow up their family for older, overweight guys. A man whose bold enough to go after your wife, sends a signal of vigor that is hard for an unsuspecting husband to match.

Get that phone cracked. A grown woman going to a married guys house when his wife is not there is not ok. Don’t let anyone put any of that you’re being controlling or insecure [email protected] in your head. It is your job to protect the marriage from interlopers.


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## Evinrude58

Texting morning and night and on weekends, deleting texts, getting caught driving the guy gone from work.... 
there is zero doubt that she has had an inappropriate relationship.

You need to find the truth OP.


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## sumthin408

To clarify - I don't know if his wife was home or not when she drove him home. She has told me the wife is disabled and takes care of the kids. His address doesn't show up on the frequently visited locations and he is around 10min from work (which matches how long it took her to call me back after she dropped him off). 

With that said, I will be doing everything I can on my side.


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## jjj858

The wife being disabled could definitely point to this man having a sexual interest in your wife. If his wife is unable to engage him or please him in that aspect his eye is starting to wander.

when she dropped him off were you aware she was doing that beforehand? Or not till after? I’m curious if any length of time was spent there or if she really did just drop him off.


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## DownByTheRiver

jjj858 said:


> Attractiveness doesn’t seem to factor in much. 90% of the time the affair partner is less attractive. What’s attractive to people who engage in affairs is the attention and the rush of sneaking around to have sex. They’re getting the same hormonal rush that they got when they started the relationship with their significant other.


I think attractiveness is the big factor with women. Not so much with men.

Look if a woman wants to have sex with ugly men, she can do that all day long everyday. You notice a much bigger problem. And we obviously know that's not the case because of how disgruntled the less attractive men are. So that cannot be happening very much at all.


----------



## jsmart

sumthin408 said:


> To clarify - I don't know if his wife was home or not when she drove him home. She has told me the wife is disabled and takes care of the kids. His address doesn't show up on the frequently visited locations and he is around 10min from work (which matches how long it took her to call me back after she dropped him off).
> 
> With that said, I will be doing everything I can on my side.


What about the lunch where they were texting like crazy before leaving and she didn’t answer or return your call until much later? Like I said earlier the most common way that coworkers hook up is at a local park. They park at an isolated section and go at it. 

Where was she during that lunch hour?


----------



## sumthin408

jjj858 said:


> The wife being disabled could definitely point to this man having a sexual interest in your wife. If his wife is unable to engage him or please him in that aspect his eye is starting to wander.
> 
> when she dropped him off were you aware she was doing that beforehand? Or not till after? I’m curious if any length of time was spent there or if she really did just drop him off.


Yes. She pocket dialed me and I could hear them talking and getting in the car (I could hear the doors shutting and she was asking what music he likes). This was around the time she normally gets off work. It then hung up and I called her back within minutes (just checked the log and it was 1min). That's when she said she's driving a coworker home so I knew beforehand. When I knew who it was, I looked them up and the distance from the workplace to his home is around 10min and from talking to her and her calling me back it was also around 10min. I think it was just a drop off.


----------



## sumthin408

jsmart said:


> What about the lunch where they were texting like crazy before leaving and she didn’t answer or return your call until much later? Like I said earlier the most common way that coworkers hook up is at a local park. They park at an isolated section and go at it.
> 
> Where was she during that lunch hour?


She didn't call me on that day until she was leaving work (and I didn't call her). Her lunch times differ (can be noon all the way up to starting at 2pm). I asked her about that particular day and she said sometimes she doesn't want to talk and just sit there and play a game. They texted for around 10 minutes, the texting stopped for 45min and then they sent each other a few texts after that (they only get 30min lunches). She said she was eating lunch in her car (which she is normally doing when she calls me).

Here's a fun one - We usually talk for around 20 min on her lunch. On one of the days I noticed comparing phone logs and my phone that they texted a few times while we were on the phone with each other. That was the day before she gave him a ride home. That one stung quite a bit.


----------



## blackclover3

sumthin408 said:


> She didn't call me on that day until she was leaving work (and I didn't call her). Her lunch times differ (can be noon all the way up to starting at 2pm). I asked her about that particular day and she said sometimes she doesn't want to talk and just sit there and play a game. They texted for around 10 minutes, the texting stopped for 45min and then they sent each other a few texts after that (they only get 30min lunches). She said she was eating lunch in her car (which she is normally doing when she calls me).
> 
> Here's a fun one - We usually talk for around 20 min on her lunch. On one of the days I noticed comparing phone logs and my phone that they texted a few times while we were on the phone with each other. That was the day before she gave him a ride home. That one stung quite a bit.


you need to talk to her manager to find out if there is an affair 
I'm sure there is physical between them


----------



## BigDaddyNY

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think attractiveness is the big factor with women. Not so much with men.
> 
> Look if a woman wants to have sex with ugly men, she can do that all day long everyday. You notice a much bigger problem. And we obviously know that's not the case because of how disgruntled the less attractive men are. So that cannot be happening very much at all.


I disagree


----------



## re16

What would be the reason to delete hundreds of texts? There is only one, so you wouldn't see them.

I would be contacting other man's wife ASAP to discuss this and see if she noticed anything. Have you talked to her boss directly?

This is major, don't let fear of discussing this stuff with these people stop you from finding out what was really going on right now, while it is fresh. It will eat at you for years if you don't... trust me... I've been there.


----------



## Benbutton

OP, don't let others dissuade you from your suspicions, you have every right to feel the way you do.
1. It was something unusual
2. It was excessive
3. It occurred during off hours, including weekends
4. The frequency was greater than with you
5. You had no idea who this friend was
6. Her reaction to your question about who he was - not cool.

There are more than enough reasons here to substantiate suspicion. You did nothing wrong.


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## jjj858

OP you seem like a really good guy. I hope this turns out to not be what it seems to be. But I’m really thinking there’s a lot more to this. A VAR in her car might be in order.


----------



## Evinrude58

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think attractiveness is the big factor with women. Not so much with men.
> 
> Look if a woman wants to have sex with ugly men, she can do that all day long everyday. You notice a much bigger problem. And we obviously know that's not the case because of how disgruntled the less attractive men are. *So that cannot be happening very much at all.*


I disagree


----------



## Diana7

sumthin408 said:


> I completely understand that my opinion of the attractiveness of him means nothing. And I've also gotten that at work "Tell your wife sorry I'm keeping you here". I think that's just normal banter.
> 
> The most important thing for me is I saw it, it raised my suspicion, and we discussed it. In that discussion (and subsequent ones), we found we lack communication skills with each other and the understanding of boundaries. Those have been cemented now. I pushed really hard to get her to "just admit it" without listening to her and I'm trying to take a step back and look at this from all angles.
> 
> From my perspective, if that was me and a female coworker, I would figure that many texts would be at least an EA. That's my perspective and my mindset though (kind of goes back to lacking communication and setting boundaries).
> 
> I have every right to be suspicious and pissed off. There was secrecy (even if just a friend) and that's a no-go for me. She also has a right to be mad at how I've reacted and not really hearing her out.
> 
> We've got work to do if it's going to last and I need to keep my eyes open. Thanks everyone


100's of texts outside of work at all times is a big red flag. We get this sort of thing reported on Tam all the time and it's usually at least an EA. 
Her not telling you things is also a red flag. 
You are right to be suspicious. 
A man's looks is completely irrelevant.


----------



## jsmart

sumthin408 said:


> She didn't call me on that day until she was leaving work (and I didn't call her). Her lunch times differ (can be noon all the way up to starting at 2pm). I asked her about that particular day and she said sometimes she doesn't want to talk and just sit there and play a game. They texted for around 10 minutes, the texting stopped for 45min and then they sent each other a few texts after that (they only get 30min lunches). She said she was eating lunch in her car (which she is normally doing when she calls me).
> 
> Here's a fun one - We usually talk for around 20 min on her lunch. On one of the days I noticed comparing phone logs and my phone that they texted a few times while we were on the phone with each other. That was the day before she gave him a ride home. That one stung quite a bit.


Where was her location during that break? If the car was in the parking lot of the job, is there a possibility of parking in a secluded section. I saw some coworkers having sex in the parking lot at work. They were going at it and the car wasn’t even in a very secluded section.

That she was texting him even while talking to you is not cool at all. She was in deeper than you think. Your gut is telling you there’s more. We always tell posters to trust their gut because it’s rarely wrong. We always get a few posters that are quick to make excuses for women so don’t put so much hope in their opinion being correct.


----------



## sumthin408

jsmart said:


> Where was her location during that break? If the car was in the parking lot of the job, is there a possibility of parking in a secluded section. I saw some coworkers having sex in the parking lot at work. They were going at it and the car wasn’t even in a very secluded section.
> 
> That she was texting him even while talking to you is not cool at all. She was in deeper than you think. Your gut is telling you there’s more. We always tell posters to trust their gut because it’s rarely wrong. We always get a few posters that are quick to make excuses for women so don’t put so much hope in their opinion being correct.


The employees have to park in a separate parking lot that's about a quarter mile from the main customer parking lot and building front. The car was in the parking lot.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Blondilocks said:


> I guess I don't understand the need to constantly text a coworker while you're working. What type of work do they do where they can have a phone in their hands all day long? Don't their supervisors complain about all of the texting?


They're not usually out standing over them, though. And lots of times people are in offices or cubicles. Certainly the office I was in most recently, everyone there surreptitiously texted. Who, I don't know. 

When I ran an office before texting, I got fed up with one of my employees constantly emailing a guy who worked in the regional office. I could see her emails. It led to her demise.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Al_Bundy said:


> The only bad thing is you've shown your hand and driven the affair even further underground. As others have said, you don't delete texts from friends.
> 
> Nobody has banged out more married women than "Just a Coworker" or "Just a Friend".


I delete texts from everybody. I don't like a messy phone or computer.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

BigDaddyNY said:


> Do you disagree with the cold hard facts or just my opinion? I respect that you don't agree with my opinion, but not agreeing with absolute facts just make you look stupid and very biased.


Right back at ya.


----------



## Evinrude58

DownByTheRiver said:


> I delete texts from everybody. I don't like a messy phone or computer.


I assure you that you are the exception and not the rule.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Evinrude58 said:


> I assure you that you are the exception and not the rule.


Well, as you know, your assurances mean everything to me, Evinrude!


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## Evinrude58

I don’t delete texts because there may be something I’d like to refer back to and to delete without checking would be foolhardy, whereas checking would waste huge amounts of time that I could be spending giving you assurances of your exceptionality.😋


----------



## DownByTheRiver

BigDaddyNY said:


> I disagree


I'd be worried if you didn't. You too, Evinrude.


----------



## Evinrude58

*A little over 100 texts within two weeks, majority initiated by him*. Some days (1 or 2) they were texting back and forth 20-30 times in an hour. *She texted him right when she woke up on a Saturday*. I've never seen these texts. *They've all been deleted.* I've never heard of this guy until I saw the phone bill and confronted her. She normally calls me at lunchtime and on the day before she drove him home, she didn't call me. I matched timestamps and she was texting back and forth with him and then it stopped for 45 minutes (I'm guessing her lunch) and then the texting picked back up (I could really just be reaching here).”

I really hope your advise is spot on DBTR, and I am the jerk you think I am.
Regardless, I’ll bet the work friend’s wife wouldn’t be too fond of this anymore than OP is, because it’s plain inappropriate.

I still would bet next months salary that OP will find Evidence that his gut fears are well-founded.. Lots of smoke here.


----------



## Benbutton

DownByTheRiver said:


> I delete texts from everybody. I don't like a messy phone or computer.


Yes we know, there's more to this than mere deletion of texts.


----------



## harperlee

DownByTheRiver said:


> Every time I see someone getting upset because texts or communications deleted I just roll my eyes. I keep all my email and texts totally cleaned up at all times and *there's no one I'm hiding it from because I am by myself.*


No offense intended DownByTheRiver but the fact that you are not in a relationship is important in the context of this thread. Single people may indeed text, email and chat with whomever they want, whenever they want. People in relationships may do so as well but trust may quite justifiably be eroded. 
In this situation, Sumthin is on to something and as most, should trust his gut.


----------



## frusdil

sumthin408 said:


> He's just a friend and I wouldn't have a problem if it was a female that she was texting.


Of course you wouldn't, and it should be obvious as to why.


----------



## ElwoodPDowd

sumthin408 said:


> been deleted. I've never heard of this guy until I saw the phone bill and confronted her. She normally calls me at lunchtime and on the day before she drove him home, she didn't call me. I matched timestamps and she was texting back and forth with him and then it stopped for 45 minutes (I'm guessing her lunch) and then the texting picked back up (I could really just be reaching here).


He's banging her, no other possible explanation, if it were all innocent the texts wouldn't have been deleted.

To the OP, call the guys wife and tell her you're concerned her husband is constantly texting your wife.


----------



## ElwoodPDowd

Evinrude58 said:


> I don’t understand. Your wife has a friend and talks to him often. She can’t have a friend? She can’t give a coworker a ride home? She has to report any change in calling habits to you? She has to keep a record of all calls so you can police them to determine if they’re acceptable? Do you check her clothes and have her correct them if they’re too revealing?


Completely different situation,
My wife lives her life through social media (especially since COVID lockdowns restricted our lives).
Thousands of LINE messages from political/housing/gambling/social/religious groups, all of them there for me to read if I wanted to waste the time. 

Deleted messages are always about sideline sex.


----------



## NorthernGuard

jjj858 said:


> oh my bad then. Sorry Evin.


I did a double take when I read that first paragraph too. I was surprised by (the beginnings of) that comment, after having read enough of that member's replies on other posts since joining to have an idea of what I should be seeing. I was thinking perhaps I may be in bizzaro world. Then I got to the next paragraphs and all was right with world once again, haha.. 

OP, I haven't gotten to the end of the thread yet and have more reading to do, but yah, I 100% agree with the majority that you have massive red flags all over the place. Not sure if its been mentioned yet, but you need to get into stealth mode and get a couple VARs and hide one in your wife's car and the other wherever she spends most of her time in the house.


----------



## moulinyx

DownByTheRiver said:


> I delete texts from everybody. I don't like a messy phone or computer.


I think there’s certainly a subset of people who delete messages (you being one) to stay organized, but OP’s wife specifically deleting this text thread but not others of a similar age is a red flag IMO. My husband also deletes messages but limits this to inactive threads only. OP’s wife seems to be taking extra steps to hide this conversation.


----------



## Marc878

The biggest red flag is that many texts to a coworker even late at night.


----------



## Jeffsmith35

*She texted him right when she woke up on a Saturday.*

I would be suspicious of what happened between them the previous Friday - perhaps at "lunch".


----------



## hinterdir

DownByTheRiver said:


> Every time I see someone getting upset because texts or communications deleted I just roll my eyes. I keep all my email and texts totally cleaned up at all times and there's no one I'm hiding it from because I am by myself. It's called not being messy and disorganized.
> 
> In the past when I was younger and worked I had so many male buddies that would even come over after work and watch TV or something like that. It was before texting. I lived near work and once in awhile a couple would come to my place for lunch. Or we'd go out to lunch.
> 
> It was just a circle of friends that I met at work. A couple were married. I had already met the wives because sometimes they would bring them to work related functions or out to a gig.
> 
> Texting has just become something that is so easy to do and takes so little time that people seem to think it's perfectly fine to text co-workers after hours. A lot of times they're just hashing over something else that's going on in the office. I wouldn't have liked it if my bosses had started bugging me via text after work, but I wouldn't have minded talking to a couple of coworkers after hours. I even had a couple of salesmen call me at home after hours. It wasn't midnight or anything like that. It was usually shortly after I got home like maybe 7:00 or so.
> 
> You blew this way up out of proportion. I don't disagree that she needs to recognize some boundaries to the point where she isn't letting someone monopolize that much of her time with texting. (Edited by author)
> 
> Calmly discussing with her and setting some parameters for how often someone from work should be chatting her up in her private time is reasonable enough, but whatever went on between you two made her quit her job and that is just wrong wrong wrong.
> 
> You didn't see any sexting or anything. Do you think she's such a chump that if a man talks to her enough, then he'll automatically get in her pants? You know you can't monitor someone enough to keep them from cheating and I don't know what the point would be if you could.
> 
> I think the appropriate thing to say to her about a bunch of texting with that guy would just have been to mention that he certainly cutting into your after hours life and just let her know it seemed excessive.
> 
> Honestly if she was carrying on a big affair with this guy, there's no way she would have been doing all this right in front of you like she was. At least give her credit for having better sense than that. If she's having an affair with someone that's the last person you would catch her texting with while you're with her


This is kind of the old "Well since this is how I do it.....it is totally ok and above board because I am the litmus test for all things in life" kind of response.
If she is regularly deleting all of her texts.....to be neat...then that should show clearly. She doesn't have texts from anyone because she deletes everything. If all of her other texts to and from others are still there but only texts with this fellow are deleted. That is.......what's the word?...........Oh yeah, SUSPICIOUS.

Only the OP can answer these things.

Biggest red flag is her reaction to all of this. If this guy were just a meaningless co-worker pal and absolutely nothing is going on....not even one minor feeling towards him, the odds are she would be breezy, easy going, 100% open about who he is and openly cough up info when asked "Oh who is this person....what is their name?". The fact that she is acting so disjointed when asked about him and immediately quits her job and gets defensive is over the top suspicious. You are quite condescending with your flippant chastisement of having the gall to be suspicious.

Thanks for letting us know that since YOU delete your texts and YOU hang out with co-workers.....this is to be universally accepted without suspicion in all marriages.
Your ONE micro example should be immediately incorporated into the MACRO norm for marriage and infidelity.


----------



## MattMatt

@sumthin408 I think that perhaps the co-worker was reaching out for someone to talk to. Maybe his wife being disabled is taking a toll on him and he needed the perspective of a female co-worker?

The problem with this type of interaction is that whilst it starts innocently it can turn into something emotional and sexual.

She accidentally outed herself and then suddenly resigned. I think it's possible that she came on to him at work, which might have shocked him so he reports her to the manager for sexual harassment and she either resigns in a rage because she felt slighted by him or she was asked to resign.


----------



## ElwoodPDowd

MattMatt said:


> She accidentally outed herself and then suddenly resigned. I think it's possible that she came on to him at work, which might have shocked him so he reports her to the manager for sexual harassment and she either resigns in a rage because she felt slighted by him or she was asked to resign.


I think you're right, most work environments are fairly strict about married staff fooling around.
Especially if it's causing problems at work, which it always does in the end.


----------



## ElOtro

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yep, you need to quit worrying about it. He may have crushed on her, but she's not a child and just enjoyed the friendship, I'm sure. It's also possible he didn't crush on her, but knowing guys, he probably did. Still, it's no indication she'd EVER be interested that way, so can't imagine how frustrating it must be for her to think she'd sleep with that unattractive co-employee just because he's talking to her. I doubt very much since he's not attractive at all that there was ever anything sexual that she conveyed to him. And I have to believe it wouldn't have sustained as a friendship if he had been harassing her with sexual innuendo either. Have some faith. Try to enjoy your wife and trust that she has better ethics than to F some convenient guy no matter how unattractive he is.
> 
> 
> I bet if he ever took it into that arena, she'd have shut him down pretty quick anyway. He probably was smart enough not to go there. And maybe they did just develop a nice comraderie. Anyway, she's made clear she can live without it, so there you go. Good luck.


Some comments on your post.

"He may have crushed on her, but she's not a child and just enjoyed" ..........his crush on her.

" And I have to believe it wouldn't have sustained as a friendship if he had been harassing her with sexual innuendo either"
"I bet if he ever took it into that arena, she'd have shut him down pretty quick anyway." 
You have to believe it you may bet on it, her husband may only hope.

" I mean, that's not who you married. You must know that." Just as all the betrayed ones knew?

"Anyway, she's made clear she can live without it, so there you go. "
She made it clear AFTER he let her know his worries. May be she rightly thought that the alternative was to live without her husband.

"Good luck" This is the best point of your post.


----------



## jsmart

I too am not satisfied with the reason for quitting. There is definitely more to that resignation. Also his wife texting OM first thing on Saturday morning rings so much of a love struck teenager. She was completely giddy over this guy. I really doubt this was only an EA. This thing got physical. It doubt it got to the sex but think at the very least making out and heavy petting took place.

This reminds me of a thread on SI that a WW was going out with a coworker that was from another office. The BH found out they went to lunch alone a couple of times. The wife lied that other coworkers were there but later admitted it was just the 2 of them. Further later she admitted to making out. Then when talking about a poly, she admitted he got to “2nd base”. After the poly it turned out it was more, but not sex. The BH didn’t specify but I’m sure it was a BJ. The whole affair took about 2 weeks. Yep, a married mother of 2 got busy with a coworker she knew in person for only 2 weeks.

I bring this all up to let you know that it does happen that quickly. We get so many BHs who come here talking about how shy, body conscious, conservative, religious, low sex drive etc, etc their wife is but it later comes out, their gut was right. WW are often the initiators of taking the affair to the next level. They also are very wanton for their OM. The wife that rarely gives a BJ and turns the husband down for certain sexual acts is enthusiastically performing those for the OM.
Once again, I suspect that your wife didn’t get to that level yet but there’s no denying the trajectory this thing was heading in.


----------



## sumthin408

MattMatt said:


> @sumthin408 I think that perhaps the co-worker was reaching out for someone to talk to. Maybe his wife being disabled is taking a toll on him and he needed the perspective of a female co-worker?
> 
> The problem with this type of interaction is that whilst it starts innocently it can turn into something emotional and sexual.
> 
> She accidentally outed herself and then suddenly resigned. I think it's possible that she came on to him at work, which might have shocked him so he reports her to the manager for sexual harassment and she either resigns in a rage because she felt slighted by him or she was asked to resign.


She did tell me his son recently died and her explanation for some of the days texting him while she was at work was to get info on food/drink as her work held a condolence type party (not the best word).

The job thing throws me off and I won't know unless I talk to the manager/owner. She's worked there for four months and hit a raise each month for the first three months and got the promo on the 4th month. She left her original career (which was much faster paced) and was doing this job while studying to go into a different field. When she quit, they gave her options to go back to the original position before the promo or to just work part-time. They also told her to basically come back whenever she wants and they will hire her back. She's been at the same level of stress at other jobs and has not quit so abruptly. And she didn't give a two week notice. Called me, said I want to quit and then quit.


----------



## Luckylucky

Oh boy. Disabled wife, son just died.

It’s always just a friend or just a co-worker in a crisis or with some sad story and they were the only ones able to help. He really had no-one else to talk to?? Most people don’t get that personal at work, lots of coworkers had tragedies, we got money together and sent them flowers and wrote nice cards. I was never that nice, or caring that I just HAD to text them so frequently and be their biggest supporter.


----------



## Evinrude58

You can find countless threads in the infidelity forum where a married person loses a close relative and an affair closely follows. I don’t really understand the reasoning behind it. Maybe an emotional hole that needs filling.
But it happens a lot. Enough that I think it’s knowledge that people should be familiar with.


----------



## MattMatt

@sumthin408 This might not be the first time she has done something like this. But it could be the first time you have caught her.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

sumthin408 said:


> She did tell me his son recently died and her explanation for some of the days texting him while she was at work was to get info on food/drink as her work held a condolence type party (not the best word).
> 
> The job thing throws me off and I won't know unless I talk to the manager/owner. She's worked there for four months and hit a raise each month for the first three months and got the promo on the 4th month. She left her original career (which was much faster paced) and was doing this job while studying to go into a different field. When she quit, they gave her options to go back to the original position before the promo or to just work part-time. They also told her to basically come back whenever she wants and they will hire her back. She's been at the same level of stress at other jobs and has not quit so abruptly. And she didn't give a two week notice. Called me, said I want to quit and then quit.


For peace of mind I really suggest a polygraph. I would also tell your wife she shouldn't delete any text message anymore until you have seen them. A trust has been breached and I think it is appropriate


----------



## MattMatt

BigDaddyNY said:


> For peace of mind I really suggest a polygraph. I would also tell your wife she shouldn't delete any text message anymore until you have seen them. A trust has been breached and I think it is appropriate


With these questions or similar:-
1) Since marriage have you ever passionately kissed a person other than your husband?
2) Since marriage have you ever had sexual contact with a person other than your husband?
3) Since marriage have you ever had sexual intercourse with a person other than your husband?
4) Since marriage have you ever had sexual contact or sexual intercourse with (named individual)?


----------



## hinterdir

jsmart said:


> I too am not satisfied with the reason for quitting. There is definitely more to that resignation. Also his wife texting OM first thing on Saturday morning rings so much of a love struck teenager. She was completely giddy over this guy. I really doubt this was only an EA. This thing got physical. It doubt it got to the sex but think at the very least making out and heavy petting took place.
> 
> This reminds me of a thread on SI that a WW was going out with a coworker that was from another office. The BH found out they went to lunch alone a couple of times. The wife lied that other coworkers were there but later admitted it was just the 2 of them. Further later she admitted to making out. Then when talking about a poly, she admitted he got to “2nd base”. After the poly it turned out it was more, but not sex. The BH didn’t specify but I’m sure it was a BJ. The whole affair took about 2 weeks. Yep, a married mother of 2 got busy with a coworker she knew in person for only 2 weeks.
> 
> I bring this all up to let you know that it does happen that quickly. We get so many BHs who come here talking about how shy, body conscious, conservative, religious, low sex drive etc, etc their wife is but it later comes out, their gut was right. WW are often the initiators of taking the affair to the next level. They also are very wanton for their OM. The wife that rarely gives a BJ and turns the husband down for certain sexual acts is enthusiastically performing those for the OM.
> Once again, I suspect that your wife didn’t get to that level yet but there’s no denying the trajectory this thing was heading in.


Quitting a job. 

Normally a couple talk about it some before hand. I'm not happy in this job, I think I want to quit. The other spouse: Sure honey, we can get by for a while on my salary, or, we cannot afford for you to quit....etc. 

It is also suspicious that she just instantly quit with no warning, no heads up, totally out of the blue. Unless she had mentioned it before and just skimmed past that detail.


----------



## moulinyx

sumthin408 said:


> She did tell me his son recently died and her explanation for some of the days texting him while she was at work was to get info on food/drink as her work held a condolence type party (not the best word).
> 
> The job thing throws me off and I won't know unless I talk to the manager/owner. She's worked there for four months and hit a raise each month for the first three months and got the promo on the 4th month. She left her original career (which was much faster paced) and was doing this job while studying to go into a different field. When she quit, they gave her options to go back to the original position before the promo or to just work part-time. They also told her to basically come back whenever she wants and they will hire her back. She's been at the same level of stress at other jobs and has not quit so abruptly. And she didn't give a two week notice. Called me, said I want to quit and then quit.


Parts of this story is reasonable, but the overall look is bad. I personally am close with a male coworker and we talk frequently. If his son were to pass, I would feel the urge to be supportive. 

However, her quitting the job and never mentioning him to you is weird. She was secretive and there’s a reason why. I can’t get over the weekend texting in secret! If it’s just regular banter, then there isn’t a reason to delete.


----------



## sumthin408

hinterdir said:


> Quitting a job.
> 
> Normally a couple talk about it some before hand. I'm not happy in this job, I think I want to quit. The other spouse: Sure honey, we can get by for a while on my salary, or, we cannot afford for you to quit....etc.
> 
> It is also suspicious that she just instantly quit with no warning, no heads up, totally out of the blue. Unless she had mentioned it before and just skimmed past that detail.


We did speak about it beforehand. She felt her boss was overbearing and now that she was mgmt, all the blame shifted to her for pre-existing issues. From the moment she got the promo she didn't like it. I make good money and have always said to pursue what she wants to do, whether that's going back to school, trying a new career, starting a business...whatever. 

So I had warning. She called me the day of to make sure it was OK (and I told her yes). We've moved around a bit and one thing I've never seen is her not give a two weeks notice which was odd.


----------



## NorthernGuard

sumthin408 said:


> So I had warning. She called me the day of to make sure it was OK (and I told her yes). We've moved around a bit and one thing I've never seen is her not give a two weeks notice which was odd.


It makes zero sense for her to have quit her job without notice if she plans on getting another anytime soon. Really doesn't look good on a resume that you are handing to a new prospective employer, that you held your last job for only four months before you up and quit without giving proper notice, and left them high and dry. 

I mean, she'd already been there four months. What was another two weeks in the grand scheme of things? Especially if she wanted to apply elsewhere and knew she'd be needing to update her resume. I smell B.S. on her reasoning OP. There's more to this story than she's told you. Dig deeper!


----------



## jjj858

Luckylucky said:


> Oh boy. Disabled wife, son just died.
> 
> It’s always just a friend or just a co-worker in a crisis or with some sad story and they were the only ones able to help. He really had no-one else to talk to?? Most people don’t get that personal at work, lots of coworkers had tragedies, we got money together and sent them flowers and wrote nice cards. I was never that nice, or caring that I just HAD to text them so frequently and be their biggest supporter.


Also sounds like he’s trying to manipulate OP’s wife with these sob stories. His wife may not even be disabled nor his son actually dead either. Would not be the first time a man pulled stuff like this to get into someone’s pants. I feel like the OP is having sort of sympathy for tbe OM too. My advice is don’t. **** this guy and his issues. Not your problem. Your problem is that he’s either screwing your wife or trying to.


----------



## jsmart

jjj858 said:


> Also sounds like he’s trying to manipulate OP’s wife with these sob stories. His wife may not even be disabled nor his son actually dead either. Would not be the first time a man pulled stuff like this to get into someone’s pants. I feel like the OP is having sort of sympathy for tbe OM too. My advice is don’t. Fk this guy and his issues. Not your problem. Your problem is that he’s either screwing your wife or trying to.


This is why it is critical to recover their text history. Was the OM telling her about his marital woes or other problems causing your wife to feel sorry and come to his rescue? Was she telling him about her marital issues. We’ve had BHs that were completely floored to read of what their WW was saying about them. Accusations of abuse and neglect that were unfounded but were used to get closer to the OM. Men do it too. Mirroring is a great way to foster a bond and ease guilt. 

In this case, I suspect that it was your wife that was doing more of the pursuing. And please please get the guy is older out of your head as a reason she wouldn’t be into him. Most women are into older men. Not saying father age difference but 15 years is very common.


----------



## sumthin408

No sympathy for him. **** that, I’m pissed. I’m just laying out what I’ve heard or know about. And age don’t mean a thing - I get that.


----------



## jjj858

It’s likely they will lay low or go underground for the time being. I would be aware of where she’s going and any excuses about getting together with a girlfriend or anything like that. Definitely VAR in the car and anywhere in the house where she normally talks on the phone. Keep checking phone records. If you know the guys name I’d even try texting her from a different phone if you can. Say “hey it’s me (name), I got a new phone. I wanna see you soon” and see if she takes the bait.


----------



## jsmart

sumthin408 said:


> No sympathy for him. Fk that, I’m pissed. I’m just laying out what I’ve heard or know about. And age don’t mean a thing - I get that.


Please reach out to his wife. She may be able to boldly confront her husband and demand his phone, which may still have the text history. It seems that BWs pull less punches when they confront. Also, a quick call to her manager may help shed light on what was going on in the work place. 

We are all pulling for you. Nothing would please me more than to learn that you’re one of the few false alarms we get but after spending years on TAM, SI and LS you start to see right through the bull. These affairs tend to follow a script. We hear the same excuses. The same trickle truth. We also hear the same excuses from the BHs. Yes , many of them bend themselves into a pretzel in making excuses why it’s impossible that their special snowflake wife would cheat, followed with the BHs digging deep in why they deserved it because they did xyz.


----------



## MattMatt

jsmart said:


> Please reach out to his wife. She may be able to boldly confront her husband and demand his phone, which may still have the text history. It seems that BWs pull less punches when they confront. Also, a quick call to her manager may help shed light on what was going on in the work place.
> 
> We are all pulling for you. Nothing would please me more than to learn that you’re one of the few false alarms we get but after spending years on TAM, SI and LS you start to see right through the bull. These affairs tend to follow a script. We hear the same excuses. The same trickle truth. We also hear the same excuses from the BHs. Yes , many of them bend themselves into a pretzel in making excuses why it’s impossible that their special snowflake wife would cheat, followed with the BHs digging deep in why they deserved it because they did xyz.


Especially as he instigated the texts, so he may well target another colleague at work.


----------



## jsmart

Wasn’t his wife texting OM the first thing on Saturday morning? She was texting this guy a lot. It wasn’t just him reaching out to her. This doesn’t seem like only the OM pursuing his wife. This was definitely a two way thing. 

Her texting him the first thing Saturday morning screams EA at a bare minimum. That’s the type of stuff people do in a new relationship when you have all those butterflies. I know we tend to always think the wife was being groomed by some unscrupulous OM but the provided evidence just doesn’t support that. Her abruptly quitting also sets off alarms. That last text of having marital problems could have been a lay low warning.


----------



## Al_Bundy

DownByTheRiver said:


> I delete texts from everybody. I don't like a messy phone or computer.


But did she delete everything or just that guys texts? Also I'd bet that dislike of messy carries over to other areas of your life. Like you don't have a clean phone and the rest of your life is a dumpster fire, right. 

It's about the overall pattern developing in this guy's case


----------



## jjj858

jsmart said:


> Wasn’t his wife texting OM the first thing on Saturday morning? She was texting this guy a lot. It wasn’t just him reaching out to her. This doesn’t seem like only the OM pursuing his wife. This was definitely a two way thing.
> 
> Her texting him the first thing Saturday morning screams EA at a bare minimum. That’s the type of stuff people do in a new relationship when you have all those butterflies. I know we tend to always think the wife was being groomed by some unscrupulous OM but the provided evidence just doesn’t support that. Her abruptly quitting also sets off alarms. That last text of having marital problems could have been a lay low warning.


Very good last point there. I think the “I’m having marital problems” text was definitely a “my husband has found out” message.


----------



## Al_Bundy

With all the tech out there today OP's best chance for more evidence might be to just play dumb and happy for several months then hire a PI. At this point any communication will be so far underground he'd have to be a coal miner to find it.


----------



## Evinrude58

Burner phone or snapchat


----------



## MattMatt

Or private chats in many apparently harmless games?


----------



## jlg07

@sumthin408, how are things going?


----------



## ABHale

She would have never quit her job and everything else if it wasn’t an affair. She is covering her tracks so you won’t find anything. #1 lie cheaters use “Just a friend”.


----------



## ABHale

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sorry, I did misread that part.
> 
> By the way, the recent she tried to avoid telling you the guy's name is because it's embarrassing for people at work to know that your husband is checking up on you and quizzing you and doesn't trust you. You're just setting yourself up for the "old ball and chain" comments, which can undermine your authority at work. Save it for when she comes home.


I don’t think that is the reason he asked. It was the fact that she butt dialed him and he heard part of the conversation with his wife getting in her car with another man. Why wouldn’t he ask who she is with? She was evasive when asked.


----------



## ABHale

sumthin408 said:


> This hits hard and thank you for this. And I get that, she tends to clean out her texts while I'm a hoarder of mine. For me, it was seeing that other texts that happened around the same time were not deleted. Yet, she's never given me a reason (until now) to worry. And to your bold, yup that says a lot about me and that is a mindset I need to work on.
> 
> If I was a 10, he would be a 2. He is not attractive at all. My wife is very attractive so I'm sure he had a crush (If I looked like him, I would be stoked to be chatting with somebody out of my league as well). I'm a very charismatic and physically fit guy with a great career. And I try to put my all into being a great husband. During my thinking it did run through my head "Really! This guy... he's ugly"
> 
> Thanks again for the comment. I plan to sit down with her and see what we can do about this.


There are quite a few women that will cheat with that type guy. He could be ugly but have a silver tongue. So many husbands have said “there is no way she would cheat with him” only to find out she did.


----------



## ABHale

sumthin408 said:


> Yes. She pocket dialed me and I could hear them talking and getting in the car (I could hear the doors shutting and she was asking what music he likes). This was around the time she normally gets off work. It then hung up and I called her back within minutes (just checked the log and it was 1min). That's when she said she's driving a coworker home so I knew beforehand. When I knew who it was, I looked them up and the distance from the workplace to his home is around 10min and from talking to her and her calling me back it was also around 10min. I think it was just a drop off.


Most likely because you knew where she was.


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## ABHale

DownByTheRiver said:


> I delete texts from everybody. I don't like a messy phone or computer.


So do I. OP’s wife only deleted the coworker’s text.


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## DownByTheRiver

How could he possibly know that the only missing texts were from him? I mean maybe she deletes unimportant texts and only keeps a few important ones.


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## ElOtro

DownByTheRiver said:


> How could he possibly know ...?


Recovering those texts, may be?


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## ABHale

DownByTheRiver said:


> How could he possibly know that the only missing texts were from him? I mean maybe she deletes unimportant texts and only keeps a few important ones.


Because he said the only text at that time that were deleted was from the OM. The text with everyone else were still there at that time period. All of her OM’s text were gone.


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## ABHale

Let’s see, she is texting with 31 different people. 30 of those text threads are complete through the time see was texting her lover. The only one where everything was deleted was from her lover. That is how one knows.


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## Luckylucky

I still think it’s the wife chasing. And that story about him having problems and her feeling sorry for him is just such a line. Oh she’s just such a nice and caring person. I couldn’t give a rat’s about male coworkers’ problems. I’ll contribute 50 cents to a communal card and small gift, a pleasant hi how are you today and on with my job. People have friends and family members and supports for that stuff. And in my hard times, I’m really wary of any man trying to be nice and ask questions and offer support. I’ve got my people for that.


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## Divinely Favored

sumthin408 said:


> Mid-30's. Married for 8 years. No children. Sex life is great and relationship seems strong. We're each others best friend. No lie, this took me by surprise.
> 
> I'm posting here to understand if I have a valid concern or if I'm being way too paranoid/insecure/jealous.
> 
> One day my wife called me towards the end of her shift. She pocket dialed and I could hear her and a guy talking while getting into her car. Normal banter, nothing sexual. The phone hung up and I waited a couple of minutes and called her back. She answered and said she was driving a coworker home. I asked her who the coworker was and she responded with "just a coworker". I asked if I knew them and she said no, it's a guy named -name-. She called me back about 10min later as the coworker lived close by.
> 
> We chatted normally but it didn't sit well with me that she seemed to hesitate telling me who was in her car. I ended out checking our phone bill. One number stood out as this number was texting back and forth with her more than her and I do. Texts during work hours, after work hours (up until 9pmish), and texts during the weekend. I do a lookup on the number and the first name of the owner matches who she said it was when driving them home. A little bit more digging and I find the number does belong to her coworker. He's married and probably 5-15yrs older than her.
> 
> A little over 100 texts within two weeks, majority initiated by him. Some days (1 or 2) they were texting back and forth 20-30 times in an hour. She texted him right when she woke up on a Saturday. I've never seen these texts. They've all been deleted. I've never heard of this guy until I saw the phone bill and confronted her. She normally calls me at lunchtime and on the day before she drove him home, she didn't call me. I matched timestamps and she was texting back and forth with him and then it stopped for 45 minutes (I'm guessing her lunch) and then the texting picked back up (I could really just be reaching here).
> 
> I sat her down and told her about the call logs and how this was out of the ordinary (I need reassurance that this isn't something that's jeopardizing our relationship). We got into a huge fight. He's just a friend and I wouldn't have a problem if it was a female that she was texting. I think she's a ****. I didn't know there were rules on being friends with other men. etc etc. My response was mainly if it's a friend that you're this close to (seeing as she texts him more than her girlfriends), why haven't I heard of them. And yes, texting a female that much wouldn't bother me. She's never had a male friend in our entire relationship and I felt it was being kept a secret. Privacy is OK, secrecy doesn't sit well with me.
> 
> She told me that they (as well as other coworkers) play a game on their phones after work together and that's when they chat. I did look at her phone and the group chat (that doesn't include him) is still there. The timestamps between her/him are everywhere - morning, middle of day, and night.
> 
> She holds the position that he was just a friend and she could definitely be telling the truth, it's just hard to accept that that's all it could be.
> 
> We fought for a while. On her first day back at work, she quit her job. She had mentioned issues with her manager being too much and previously mentioned not liking the job. The guy texted her about a week and a half after she quit asking if everything was OK with her. I told her to shut it down and her message to him was "My marriage is having issues and I need some time away". I advised she blocks his number and stops all communication. I saw he contacted her on FB the same day he texted so I'm guessing they were chatting through there as well. She has since deleted her FB account (and blocked his number).
> 
> I hate writing this. Half of my gut tells me to trust the love of your life.. that she could never do this to you. I mean, our relationship seems great. I try to keep the mindset of always stay dating and I feel we are very good together. They could have simply just been friends that have a lot in common. I never saw the texts so I truly don't know. The other side of me says whoa this is new territory and these are red flags and I'm having a very difficult time accepting that it's just a friend.


Run recovery software on her phone and get tge deleted texts. She should nit have issue with that if it was notging to be cincerned witg. I would also drop a bug in his wifes ear as to what has been transpiring. She may have had concerns about the way her hubby has been acting already.


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## Divinely Favored

DownByTheRiver said:


> Every time I see someone getting upset because texts or communications deleted I just roll my eyes. I keep all my email and texts totally cleaned up at all times and there's no one I'm hiding it from because I am by myself. It's called not being messy and disorganized.
> 
> In the past when I was younger and worked I had so many male buddies that would even come over after work and watch TV or something like that. It was before texting. I lived near work and once in awhile a couple would come to my place for lunch. Or we'd go out to lunch.
> 
> It was just a circle of friends that I met at work. A couple were married. I had already met the wives because sometimes they would bring them to work related functions or out to a gig.
> 
> Texting has just become something that is so easy to do and takes so little time that people seem to think it's perfectly fine to text co-workers after hours. A lot of times they're just hashing over something else that's going on in the office. I wouldn't have liked it if my bosses had started bugging me via text after work, but I wouldn't have minded talking to a couple of coworkers after hours. I even had a couple of salesmen call me at home after hours. It wasn't midnight or anything like that. It was usually shortly after I got home like maybe 7:00 or so.
> 
> You blew this way up out of proportion. I don't disagree that she needs to recognize some boundaries to the point where she isn't letting someone monopolize that much of her time with texting. (Edited by author)
> 
> Calmly discussing with her and setting some parameters for how often someone from work should be chatting her up in her private time is reasonable enough, but whatever went on between you two made her quit her job and that is just wrong wrong wrong.
> 
> You didn't see any sexting or anything. Do you think she's such a chump that if a man talks to her enough, then he'll automatically get in her pants? You know you can't monitor someone enough to keep them from cheating and I don't know what the point would be if you could.
> 
> I think the appropriate thing to say to her about a bunch of texting with that guy would just have been to mention that he certainly cutting into your after hours life and just let her know it seemed excessive.
> 
> Honestly if she was carrying on a big affair with this guy, there's no way she would have been doing all this right in front of you like she was. At least give her credit for having better sense than that. If she's having an affair with someone that's the last person you would catch her texting with while you're with her


She was only deleting text from this guy.


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## sumthin408

jlg07 said:


> @sumthin408, how are things going?


I don't really know. Never got anything from the phone. Still here wondering what transpired.

We've fought, madeup, and fought some more this past month. It's been exhausting. For me, I feel slighted and can't get this out of my head.

Looking more at the phone and comparing to call logs, she did delete other text threads around the same time. So I misspoke there. She pretty much just has the thread with me and one with her best friend left. I did notice the one with her sister was deleted and those texts happened during the same time. Still....

The job thing... we always planned it to be temporary and her want to quit didn't come out of the blue. The lack of two weeks is out of the ordinary. 

The more I've thought about this the more I agree, if anything it's her chasing. Texting to figure out the gift, offering to give a ride home - The guy has been there long enough to have friends that will do that for him. She went out of her way to keep the contact and I told her that's just not right and very suspect. 

She was fine with me taking the phone and trying to recover. I wasn't able to.

I've checked call logs and nothing in calls/texts. She hasn't left the house since she quit.

But when do you call it? So much of me just feels like leaving. It will hurt like hell, but that pain will eventually go away. The anger I feel from this situation doesn't seem like it's going away anytime soon and I feel it will always be in the back of my head for the entire time I'm with her. How long until this happens again?

I just don't want to make the wrong decision but at this point, I don't think I'll ever get a straight answer.

I did contact the guy but was I really expecting to get anything other than what I've already been told?


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## BigDaddyNY

sumthin408 said:


> I don't really know. Never got anything from the phone. Still here wondering what transpired.
> 
> We've fought, madeup, and fought some more this past month. It's been exhausting. For me, I feel slighted and can't get this out of my head.
> 
> Looking more at the phone and comparing to call logs, she did delete other text threads around the same time. So I misspoke there. She pretty much just has the thread with me and one with her best friend left. I did notice the one with her sister was deleted and those texts happened during the same time. Still....
> 
> The job thing... we always planned it to be temporary and her want to quit didn't come out of the blue. The lack of two weeks is out of the ordinary.
> 
> The more I've thought about this the more I agree, if anything it's her chasing. Texting to figure out the gift, offering to give a ride home - The guy has been there long enough to have friends that will do that for him. She went out of her way to keep the contact and I told her that's just not right and very suspect.
> 
> She was fine with me taking the phone and trying to recover. I wasn't able to.
> 
> I've checked call logs and nothing in calls/texts. She hasn't left the house since she quit.
> 
> But when do you call it? So much of me just feels like leaving. It will hurt like hell, but that pain will eventually go away. The anger I feel from this situation doesn't seem like it's going away anytime soon and I feel it will always be in the back of my head for the entire time I'm with her. How long until this happens again?
> 
> I just don't want to make the wrong decision but at this point, I don't think I'll ever get a straight answer.
> 
> I did contact the guy but was I really expecting to get anything other than what I've already been told?


This is from your first post.
"Sex life is great and relationship seems strong. We're each others best friend. No lie, this took me by surprise."

Have you told your wife this ^^^ and that what happened with this coworker has made you question your entire marriage? I completely sympathize with your pain of having a lack of trust always floating around in your minds, but are you ready to throw away a marriage you describe in positive terms

If I remember correctly, this is the only time anything like this has ever happened with your wife. If that is the case, I personally wouldn't give up on the marriage yet. However, I would be in trust but verify mode for a long time. I would not hide this fact from your wife. I would let her know, that whether she agrees or not, this put a huge seriously eroded your trust in her. That she crossed a line you can't accept ever again. She has to be completely transparent and only you should be deleting her texts. It sucks, but without some kind of consequence she will never fully appreciate the gravity of what she has done. If this isn't the first time she has done something like this I would end it now.


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## sumthin408

BigDaddyNY said:


> This is from your first post.
> "Sex life is great and relationship seems strong. We're each others best friend. No lie, this took me by surprise."
> 
> Have you told your wife this ^^^ and that what happened with this coworker has made you question your entire marriage? I completely sympathize with your pain of having a lack of trust always floating around in your minds, but are you ready to throw away a marriage you describe in positive terms
> 
> If I remember correctly, this is the only time anything like this has ever happened with your wife. If that is the case, I personally wouldn't give up on the marriage yet. However, I would be in trust but verify mode for a long time. I would not hide this fact from your wife. I would let her know, that whether she agrees or not, this put a huge seriously eroded your trust in her. That she crossed a line you can't accept ever again. She has to be completely transparent and only you should be deleting her texts. It sucks, but without some kind of consequence she will never fully appreciate the gravity of what she has done. If this isn't the first time she has done something like this I would end it now.


Yes, I did. 

I told her this blindsided me and hurt me so deep down that the marriage is fractured. This marriage had a strong foundation and this act has put some serious cracks into it. I let her know the trust will take a long time to rebuild and I will struggle with fully trusting her. 

I told her this isn't tolerable for me and it can't happen again. I advised if I find she contacts him in any way, it's divorce. I advised if anything like this happens again, it's divorce. 

As far as I'm aware, this is the first time anything like this has happened. And yea, otherwise the relationship has been great for me. Thanks for the advice.


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## GusPolinski

What kind of phone is it?


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## blackclover3

Poly?


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## jsmart

The other threads that she deleted are with other people that she was discussing this guy. there were other red flags on your story, one of the biggest being how she abruptly quit her job and that final text to OM. I’m sorry but that is not normal. Has she been sulking around the house like a wounded puppy? If so, don’t assume it s sorrow for hurting you, it will be missing the OM. 

You know in your gut that her story does not pass the smell test. At the very least, she was in an emotional affair but I would wager that it went low level physical and was on the fast track to being a sexual affair that was only stopped because she but dialed you.

Also, did you take her phone to a professional or did you just try to do on your own with online tech suggestions?ed you. This is not something for you to go cheap on


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## Landofblue

And what is her response to the trust being broken. Is she understanding about it. Does she get defensive or show that she realizes what she has done has damaged the marriage. Does she show empathy for the pain she has caused you?

is she willing to take a polygraph to confirm she never was physical with this man?

what steps is she taking to become a safe partner? Is she initiating them or being dragged into them?


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## ABHale

With all the pain and anger you are feeling with no real answers to your questions will eat away at your marriage. The text that you can’t recover would have made most of it clear. Instead you are left speculating what actually happened.

Your wife is what has caused this. Her actions have caused the doubt and mistrust. Then she is getting mad that you just can’t get over it.

Better to end things now


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## chazmataz33

Hey I hope everything smoothed out.


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## uwe.blab

sumthin408 said:


> Yes, I did.
> 
> I told her this blindsided me and hurt me so deep down that the marriage is fractured. This marriage had a strong foundation and this act has put some serious cracks into it. I let her know the trust will take a long time to rebuild and I will struggle with fully trusting her.
> 
> I told her this isn't tolerable for me and it can't happen again. I advised if I find she contacts him in any way, it's divorce. I advised if anything like this happens again, it's divorce.
> 
> As far as I'm aware, this is the first time anything like this has happened. And yea, otherwise the relationship has been great for me. Thanks for the advice.


Is your wife working again now Sumthin?


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## 357099

It doesn’t look good. Thank God you don’t have children together and please make sure that you don’t anytime soon because we don’t need more broken homes. Popping out a child will not fix your marital problems and so many people seem to think they will.


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## MattMatt

Zombie Cat says "Let sleeping threads lie." Or something like that.


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