# any ideas for getting that dating feeling back instead of the usual routine??



## Robert28 (Dec 23, 2009)

i am a 28m and wife 30. when we first met we tore into each other pretty often but now 3 yrs later its been really bad for almost 2 yrs now. same routine. same position. that obsession for me on her part is more than gone. and a few days ago i thought she went elsewhere for it but i was wrong and made an ass of myself. she has completely lost sex drive and we talked about it for a few hours and im 110% sure it is because of our lack of being interesting and spontanious. didnt know if anyone else out there has had this problem and im on the female forums to pick you girls brains on this. what can we do to get that "dating" feeling back? nothing romantic works. it would have to be extreme change. she loves the life , everything except the sex. and she has even told me to go outside the marraige but dont leave her. and both of us agreed that we dont want a swinger thing going.
i will check this thread every hour today.... lol for advice
thanks


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hey Robert28 maybe it's not about the actual sex, maybe it's about the every day connection between you guys, maybe that part is just alright, has to be more than that, women start foreplay the minute they get up, the emotional connection makes us want you and makes us willing to please you and ourselves in a sexual way.....read that book the 5 love languages and figure out what she needs to really connect to you, do the things she needs and I bet you will see a different reaction from her.
Good for you to be so perceptive and insight to fix things before they go to far down the wrong path.....
good luck and keep us posted......


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## Everest (Dec 23, 2009)

I am in the same boat - married 10 years now. She is the best "roommate" I have ever had. However, there seems to be no sex drive. I am still bitter that before we were married, she cut me off while dating because her pastor said he wouldn't marry us if we continued - I still want to kick his ass for cheating me of the best sex of our lives... Anyway, her we are - many pounds later, not having sex - not hating each other, but my libo still goes... I thought when we got married, that masturbation was a thing of the past, but now its the only option. How do you spice things back up? How do you not be angry at her for not wanting sex as much as you. Pre-marriage - we could have written a book about the number of different ways to do it - but now... missionary boredom position for the past 8 years. Why bother - I know how it will end!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Is it possible that you are TOO loving? If you project too much love, that can make a woman emotionally crowded. And an emotionally crowded woman is a woman with zero desire. Zero. 

If you back off from someone like that, it tends to work - you just have to do it the right way. You can't be with them and ignore them. You have to just find OTHER activities that do not involve them. So maybe you start going to the gym 3-4 times a week and spending more time with a hobby. But you focus way less on HER and how being with her makes you happy and more on you and doing things good for you. 





Robert28 said:


> i am a 28m and wife 30. when we first met we tore into each other pretty often but now 3 yrs later its been really bad for almost 2 yrs now. same routine. same position. that obsession for me on her part is more than gone. and a few days ago i thought she went elsewhere for it but i was wrong and made an ass of myself. she has completely lost sex drive and we talked about it for a few hours and im 110% sure it is because of our lack of being interesting and spontanious. didnt know if anyone else out there has had this problem and im on the female forums to pick you girls brains on this. what can we do to get that "dating" feeling back? nothing romantic works. it would have to be extreme change. she loves the life , everything except the sex. and she has even told me to go outside the marraige but dont leave her. and both of us agreed that we dont want a swinger thing going.
> i will check this thread every hour today.... lol for advice
> thanks


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## itsme (Dec 24, 2009)

Wow - I am in the SAME boat on the opposite side - 17 years of marriage - the last 10 have had sex 4 times a year - and HE doesn't want it - rejects me when I initiate, won't try anything new, doesn't even like oil - definitley not going to try a fun role play or something. My best roomate, great guy - but WHAT is going ON!!??


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

My two cents:
When you treat your partner as a "sex object", (ofcourse, not intentionally), obviously your partner will shut themselves down. 

Try talking to your partner. Not once but many times. Don't ask them for a reason. Rather ask them about their opinion. How do they see your relationship? 
Lastly, try not to ask them directly for sex. Not even through actions. Let them come up to you, give them sometime.


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## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

Robert28, here's my play-by-play of what to do...

Many men have found more sex with their wives when they think of the "slow cooker" concept instead of the "flash fire" idea. Meaning, start the fire _slowly_ on Thursday morning if you want to have sex (great sex!) on Saturday night. Nothing too drastic or aggressive... she'll be thinking "Oh God, he wants sex tonight and I have a 7am meeting tomorrow, crap!"

But do start those slightly lingering touches that aren't exactly sexual, but they are sensual... Thursday AM mention how you love that new perfume she has and sniff closely at her neck. Thursday PM touch the small of her back when you ask about her day. Friday AM compliment her on any part of her appearance that you truly do appreciate, and Friday PM do NOT expect sex right away. Continue touching her and maybe rent a movie... not a romantic comedy but not a porn either : ) A sexy movie like "Bull Durham" or "Don Juan DeMarco."

And then (here's the key) realize sex is mostly in a woman's brain. Saturday she needs to feel relaxed and "caught up" on her life. Help her feel in control and confident and you're actually helping her feel sexy too. If she has a long laundry list of things that need to be done, don't argue with her; just help _get it started_. You really don't need to finish it... you just have to help her feel like she's got in all under control. NOW she feels calm, confident, and sexy.... So now's the time to make your move.

I know it sounds like a long list of things to do and remember... but they really only take a minute or less to do. and you would have probably helped with errands/chores on the weekend anyway, right? So why not have great sex afterwards?

Good Luck.


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## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

Another point, and I think this is a trick that most couples don't realize... don't plan "date night" for the same thing every week or every month. Too many couples book their babysitter for every Saturday night, and go out to do the same thing. If you have a routine for date night, then you're going to have routine sex.

The thing we all did when we were dating was try new things. Of course those dates are more expensive... so it can't be every date night... but try to find something new and exciting that you haven't done before. Go to a music festival, go to a poetry reading, stomp grapes at the local vineyard, enter yourselves in an Elvis look-alike contest... be willing to do something new and fun. 

When I hear people say "Oh, we never miss our date night, we go bowling every Friday night," part of me rolls my eyes and wonders how long that's going to last. We all have enough routine things that HAVE TO BE done (bills, job, etc.,) we should make sure Date Night is all about new and exciting things.

Good Luck


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

PLAY PLAY PLAY!!!.
Don't let the routine of life suck you in.
Do you know why she is not feeling it? Do you know what truly turns her on? Have you asked her? Dig in! I have found for myself anyway that discussing openly all the things you and she think about regarding sex is a turn on by itself. What turns her on is most likely different form you. Don't hold back and make her feel secure to do the same. 
Role playing can be awesome too. It definately keeps it interesting!

If she is completely turned off or non sexual, maybe some therapy to get to the root of it is in order.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Okay I know this is the Ladies section, but this thread is full of advice to lead to a miserable man and woman, and affairs and divorce are the result of this advice.

MEM11363 is on the right track though. And the rest, I have nothing good to say.

If a woman is not interested in sex with the man, all the "romance" in the world and being a "nice guy" and trying to appease the woman is going to do one thing: Drive the woman away from the man.

A woman will see this as merely "bribing" or "begging" for sex, which is working 0 percent of the time.

Instead this is making the woman feel insecure, and she will resent her man for this, most times without knowing to the extent or the reason.

Want the "dating feeling" back? Then become the man you were when you were dating, and your woman was on fire for you.

Were you the man to "beg" her to like you, or bribe her to be attracted to you? I know the answer, NO you were NOT!

You were the confident man, in control of yourself and your life.

This is the simple goal, and is what will light a fire in your woman for you!

Is your wife not interested in you? When was the last time you are pulling her hair, throwing her on the bed, and taking care of business? Or if she is being "sassy" did you pull down her underwear and giving her a good spanking?

If the relationship is not building resent in other areas, this is a good place to start. 

I wish you well.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

ChimeIn said:


> And then (here's the key) realize sex is mostly in a woman's brain.


You're off by about two and a half feet. 

Get physically fit. Earn more money/advance your career. Play with the kids. Fix the house up. Dress a little better. When having sex be physically dominant. Stop eating and drinking crap, take some vitamins and drink a non-soy based protein shake each day and increase your ejaculate. Flirt with her as often as possible, without making each occurance an attempt at sex.

If you want that dating feeling... you (not her) need to take the lead and plan dates and just announce where you intend to go and invite her along. If she doesn't go, you go anyway.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> When was the last time you are pulling her hair, throwing her on the bed, and taking care of business? Or if she is being "sassy" did you pull down her underwear and giving her a good spanking?


If this is mutually-agreed on sex play, fine. If not, I'd be calling the cops after I cut off his *****. Ok, I wouldn't do the latter b/c I don't support violence, but I know that is what I would feel like doing if I was raped.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> If this is mutually-agreed on sex play, fine. If not, I'd be calling the cops after I cut off his *****. Ok, I wouldn't do the latter b/c I don't support violence, but I know that is what I would feel like doing if I was raped.


Oh stop it. So many women just love this sort of sex. Badly enough to leave their good husbands and children to get it. 

Have you not read the nice guy started threads crying out with pain and confusion that their wives left them for some jerk without a job? Many nice guys fail to give their women what their women actually want for fear of being branded a rapist or publicly shamed. You are truely not helping here.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> Many nice guys fail to give their women what their women actually want for fear of being branded a rapist or publicly shamed.


If you would read more carefully, I said that as long as this is part of mutually agreed upon sex play, go for it. There would be no fear of shame or anything worse in this instance. 

A grown woman knows what she wants. By the time she has lost desire for sex with her husband, the tactics recommended here are probably too late and certainly should not be attempted without discussion between the couple. 

What seems to be advocated in this thread is for a man to ignore his wife's wishes completely and ASSUME she will enjoy being dominated. A woman may enjoy being dominated sexually by a guy she already desires. If the desire isn't there, however, having her wishes ignored ain't gonna bring it back.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> If you would read more carefully, I said that as long as this is part of mutually agreed upon sex play, go for it. There would be no fear of shame or anything worse in this instance.


I did read carefully. Do you really think unwanted hairpulling etc deserves rape charges or castration? What an extreme and offensive reaction. 

The entire thing is very counter-intuitive, but the more naturally sexually dominant a man is, the less likely he is to use physical force to get sex from his partner. The whole hair pulling and spanking thing is simply erotic techinque, not violence. Enough women simply just respond to this sort of thing that they seek you out for this sort of sex. 

I think you will find that wives that get this sort of sex from their husbands, don't complain about it to their girlfriends. What with girlfriends being so untrustworthy these days... :rofl:


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Ah, now I see! I wasn't talking about the hair-pulling or spanking. Someone wrote "throw her on the bed and take care of business." Can't find it now, so maybe someone deleted it? Again, if it's play, fine; if it's not, it's a crime. And NO ONE deserves castration, ever. I thought I made that clear. Violence is a solution to nothing.


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