# Another OW Sighting



## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

So, after months of searching desperately for work (and believe me I applied everywhere I could), the only thing offered is a minimum wage part-time job at a local B&B (housework, gardening, catch-all). I'm grateful for this job on many counts, but mostly because it keeps me busy so that I'm not always thinking too much about missing my husband.

Today, it's 88 degrees and I'm outside watering the plants after spending all morning ironing and cleaning up after honeymooners *sigh* and I'm dressed in raggedy work clothes dripping sweat. Not a pretty picture. Who should saunter by? My husband's mistress. 

Yep, turns out she works only a couple of doors down the street and I suppose she was on her way back from lunch. It was lucky that my boss also happened by, so I was busy chatting it up with her. This made it easy to ignore the OW and not look in her direction. She definitely saw me and just walked by cool as a cucumber. I feel so ugly and stupid. 

I would quit my job if I had another source of income (savings are gone and this one will barely keep me going). I am one breath away from living out of my car (on the ramen noodle diet) and can't afford to wait several more months for another opportunity. Husband can't help even if I asked him because he quit his nice salary job soon after he left me. I've pretty much tapped out the family and can't ask anymore of them. 

This is torture! I am in NC (no response from him so far which is painful in itself- doesn't he care at all?) and trying my best to keep going. When things like this happen, it zaps all my efforts and energy and I'm back to square one. I can't catch a break. I'm not sure how to keep going and sometimes question why I should when everything seems so bleak. 

I helped put my husband through school and when it was "my turn", he bails on me. Now, he's not even using his degree because he is confused about his life! I keep shifting between anger and despair over it all. 

Everything seems to be hitting me all at once and I am struggling to make sense of it and keep my head above water. Now, I have to deal with seeing _her_, a reminder of his betrayal? I guess there is nothing more I can do but keep going but I am so tired/depleted and feeling like I'm not making any progress. 

Being on my own and focusing on myself and my own well-being is such a new concept for me. I was emotionally dependent on my husband for fifteen years (hardly ever spent a day apart) and with my alcoholic father before that. I'm not sure what to do to fill this void. I'm tired of the self-pity, playing the victim, and living a sub-par life. I'm lonely and miss the intimacy and friendship I had with my husband. 

How do you get through the day to day (much less prosper) when it seems everything is against you?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Hard hard times, honey. I am so sorry.

I've actually been there, but I'll save those details for another day.

What I'm going to say to you is what I wish someone had said to me -- you have a limited amount of energy. A limited amount of emotional energy and a limited amount of physical energy. Any energy that you spend on her is energy you don't have for you.

It's hard to look away. It's hard to not dwell. It's hard to not have nightmares (although that's out of our control, but I had my share). But you have to concentrate on YOU right now.

Get a mantra, use a wrist snappy band thing, whatever, but you cannot afford to give her any of your energy right now. Because you are on TEAM YOU. Right?

I know, sounds sappy, but you cannot keep giving her (and him, btw) your energy. You need it all to rebuild your life. If that means hardening your heart for a while, then, so be it. You have to take care of you.

And I think you sound pretty great, so there.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Lamaga is right...the key is to become conscious of your negative thoughts. Recognize one when you have it, imagine tossing it out the window, and at that moment come up with a positive thought to replace it. Like, when you think "I feel angry that he used and dumped me", decide to instead focus on "the past is gone, and my future is ahead...and I am going to make it the best I can by putting one foot in front of the other every day." It is called cognitive behavioral therapy. In time if you keep it up, you will do this faster and it becomes natural...and you will find that little voice in your year becoming more optimistic, which in turn allows you to gain energy and recognize opportunities. Give it a shot and let me know how it goes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Also I am soooooo proud of you for taking a job you'd rather not have in order to take care of yourself. This is a great example of loving yourself. Each small decision you make to love yourself adds up...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sometimes I soak my feet in a nice basin of hot soapy water. It's great because I don't have to get up for anyone or anything. I sit and read or watch the sky and relax. One of the up-sides of not having much is there's that much less to take care of, and to answer to, including other people. You are really responsible only to yourself, and so you can make decisions that work for you, outside the box, whereas if you had to discuss with another person, i.e. husband, you could not be sure of success at even a modest undertaking because your efforts could be easily undermined. Other people who don't give a sh*t about your welfare wanting your time and energy...as others said, now it's yours. Hopefully you get some bennies at the B&B such as food, take advantage of those, it's money in the pocket, and even more so because you don't have to pay taxes on that 'income'. Also think about earned income credit, if you live in the states, that can be added onto your pay check. Hopefully you also get tips, if you don't try to think of a way you can increase those. If OW seems cool as a cucumber, think of all the effort she has to put into maintaining that image. It's a rare person who comes by that naturally. It sounds like you have shed a lot of layers, and you know what, you are still as beautiful as you ever were, even more so as a natural beauty is the best and difficult to lose under duress. Sweat is a beautiful thing. 100 years ago 80% of our population farmed for a living. What you're seeing in OW's appearance is just an illusion of time and man-made creation, that is makeup, clothing, etc. Strip her down and put her to manual work and we'll see who holds up. Try that basin of water. And a pedicure even if it's not with nail polish, a good buffing up of the feet's rough patches always makes me feel terrific. We always compare ourselves to who has more or who might have it easier...but think too of people living in refugee camps all over the world. Our existence is a rare one, the way we live even when we are down and out. Of course, we still suffer from adapting, but once we give up the struggle to have what we think we need vs. what we truly need (and of course, you may actually need a bit more, and will figure out how to get it) things get a lot easier and a bit more fun. You can create your own stability, and it's easier than you previously thought, because as I said now you're not fettered by your attachment and obligation to someone who was not really on your team.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

This is brilliant! Thank you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

:rofl: Haha What?! He left you for the OW and quit his job right away, isn't even support himself. Oh God, this can't get any better for you! Give this guy the award for dumbest affair. Look at this from another angle.... if he isn't working then she's supporting him, and if she's supporting him and he's comfortable with that then it's going to end with her getting a lot b!tchier and kicking him out sooner. 

The affair was doomed to begin with but this is just a shorter fuse on a bigger time bomb. Give him plenty of space to be a codependent loser trying to "find himself" and blow this all on his own. More than likely he'll find brief unsatisfying happiness soon but then fall back on old ways and depend on her to soothe the pain from divorce. When the sex dies so will her respect for him as she gets tired of being his pick me up.

No matter what seeing the OW is difficult at first. BUT you can change your perception and laugh at her for being a lying newcomer who has no idea of what's in store for her. Think of the worst fights you ever had and then put her in your place. Add that to the betrayal felt from deception and the relationship based on poor relationship skills and cheating. You've got yourself a recipe for doom! So just sit back and let the baby have his bottle, you're WAY better than her!


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Hey BronteVillette,

Sorry to hear about the OW sighting. That sucks! Hopefully, most of her work day she'll be cooped up in the office...perhaps you can figure out what time she generally goes to lunch and then avoid doing the outside gardening during that time. Do you have any flexibility re: what time you accomplish tasks?

Do not feel bad at all about the kind of work you are doing. You are doing honest work, nothing at all to feel bad about. Regarding the OW and her nice clothes, F**K That! She had an affair w/ a married man...clearly she is lacking in character and judgement no matter what her clothing label states.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I like that you are supporting honeymooners and giving them a good reception for the start of their married life. It's a wonderful service. They deserve it. It's great you're not working in some sleazy place where people are going for extramarital trysts. Think of it this way, you're in a good environment supporting what you believe in, able to make an impact on how people start their life as a couple. You are welcoming them and caring for them right after one of the few sacraments people receive in life. Right down to the details of cleaning the threshhold they pass through, the flowers they see, the bed they lie in and make love in. And OW's job is....what???? And if she is ever honeymooning it will be because why? Because it was a sacrament to interfere with someone else's marriage? Nope, she will never be able to truly experience any of the service you are rendering to the people who cross your path. Your work is a lot more meaningful than hers seems to be. May your rewards be great.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I've got a bit of an evil streak in me...everyday, I'd walk by her place of work with a different gal on my shoulder (in your case, guy)...

but you got some good advice here, work on you, enjoy life...you can't control where she walks, so don't worry about it!!!


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