# I cheated :/ I really need help and someone to talk to.



## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

My ex fiance left me 5 months ago and moved into his own house after finding out about 7 months ago that I had cheated. It was 6 years ago during our rough patch when we had broke up. 

My fiance and I have been together for 10 years not and have an 8 year old son. 6 years ago we were going through alot he started working long hours and would have guy nights and get drunk every friday night and played alot of basketball he never wanted to make time for me he started going to the gym and talking all the stuff got a bad attitude towards me. I have always stayed home with our son I made sure our house was always spotless I cooked dinner and had it ready by the time he was off work. I really put my all but then I started to not want to have sex and anymore because he wasnt giving me any attention only to have sex. Not having sex caused us lots of fights i moved back and forth from our home back to my moms he would text girls and I would find out he picked ones that would hurt my like one that cheated with my ex my best friend jerrys sister whom he brought to our house. he never had sex with them I do believe that I have been the only person he has ever had sex with. during that time I started to loose it I started to be the one going out drinking and making friends and partied alot I hate admit because We did have a young son. After alot one of the times I moved to my moms a guy started chasing I ended up having sex with him 5 times during our break up. My ex and I ended up working out I never told him about the guy. I feel like **** about it I really do. I know there is no excuse for it and I should have been there trying hard talking it more with my ex and being patient for him to calm down and work on things with me. Six years down the road now he has found out the guy tried to add me on facebook and it brought this all up again we were suppose to get married I didnt want to be married with that lie so I ended up telling him but I did lie at first I said I kissed him and then told him it was sex once he moved out and then moved back in with me after a week. We tried to make it work he talked me into trading my car for a corvette that we would use for our date nights and then after a few weeks it just got a wreck he felt like he needed to make it even I did end up telling him it was more then once cause he was pushing for answers. He started going on dates and texting a girl while living together he felt like he just had to make it even to try to move past it. After a month he ended up moving out again. it was the day before new year. I was a wreck I found out that he make a pof its an online dating and was going on dates but also to the places we would go to. He ended up having sex with one of the girls and I had to see him with hickeys. This made him even worse like he was so devasted by it and cant understand how I did it to him and how I even did it to him only once that I was his only and that meant something to him. We have literally argued every day for months now just me with questions like whats going on and stuff he stopped talking to girls for a few months. We talked about working things out we did eater together we have sex once a while he tells me that I am it for him I have always been he would have married me in a heart beat he told me that all the time. Last weekend we were talking about working out he started tellong me we were going camping coming up I should invite my sister and her husband we talked about our son going to school by his house and me moving out there and where I could plant a garden. Then all of a sudden monday comes and the guy I slept with comes to him work once a week or so so I guess he saw him. I also forgot to add that he wanted to make it even by having sex with someone I know so I would have to see her like he has to see him. and after that he was 100% in and wanted to work on our family but that was driving me nuts him nexting her and her posting stuff about him. He said it was about revenge. He would get mad at me though because he couldnt bring himself to do it and see if he felt even or if he would wake up hating me even more. this last 5 monts have been a nightmare back and forth. and this whole week we have argued all day everyday. He tells me now that he is done his heart is just broken he cant take it anymore he is at an all time low and all this fighting has pushed him away. I need help please. I dont know what to do anymore. We did have the rough patch 6 years ago but all these years we have been the happiest couple ever hardly no fights sex all the time we both were extremely happy and planning our wedding which is why I feel like has crushed us even more. I dont know what to think anymore he says he just needs to figure out him on his own now. he is a mess we fight all the time he drinks all the time now he is sad and his heart hurts. I love him too much I have put my all into my relationship we made it to complete happieness and now its all gone. I dont know how to function I feel as though I am loosing it all like I cant function anywhere. not at work or home. I hate being home alone in our old house. I have to see him everyday because our son. I just feel like I hope there is hope for us I know he loves me and it hurting right now and it is no ones fault but my own I shouldnt have let someone in between us and it makes me sick. I have lost so much weight I weigh like 94 pounds now gross. I hate this we saw eachother when I was in the eighth grade he was at my house when I came home from texas hanging out with his cousin that was my sisters friend I know then we both looked right at eachother and loved eachother he would come visit me every summer since he lived in Oregon. I have lived with him since I was 16 years old. I truely believe we are sole mates and being young parents got the best of us that 1 year but we have always been best friends.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I didn't bother to read your story. 

Somebody might read it if you broke it up into paragraphs, but then again, I doubt it.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Oh Lordy, I agree....I only got through about 10 sentences. You need to clean that up. Paragraphs and punctuation (periods where they belong)

My initial reaction is that yeah, you cheated during a break, but I highly doubt he was faithful either. 

Clean up your original post and you'll get more people to read it. It is very, very difficult to read.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Isla Cruces said:


> My ex fiance left me 5 months ago and moved into his own house after finding out about 7 months ago that I had cheated. It was 6 years ago during our rough patch when we had broke up.
> 
> My fiance and I have been together for 10 years not and have an 8 year old son.
> 6 years ago we were going through alot he started working long hours and would have guy nights and get drunk every friday night and played alot of basketball he never wanted to make time for me he started going to the gym and talking all the stuff got a bad attitude towards me. I have always stayed home with our son I made sure our house was always spotless
> ...


Fixed that for you. 

You both need counselling, no matter what you decide to do, moving forward with your lives and the life of your son.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

I'm so sorry I know it's very long. I have been a mess I just typed it up all crazy I will try to fix it up.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

Thank you so much for helping with my post! I really appreciate it! 

Thank you for your advise.. It's been very hard and I know I need to get healthy, I feel like I am falling apart. I feel like I know I have pushed him away. I have done everything wrong you can possible think of. We literally text all day long he tells me he can't take it that causing him to fall behind at work he is exhausted. 

It breaks my heart everything he put me through then I still knew I really did love and want to be with him just things needed to change and he wasn't seeing anything I had already been telling him. 

I hope some how we find a way he just seems so annoyed with me now but it's like I have owned my mistake I take all the responsibility I know I make bad choices when I did what I did and I wish I told him then cause I think things would have worked out now I just don't know anymore.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

I did suggest counseling he is very stern with no. What did he do to deserve even have to go talk to a counselor. He also thinks they are quacks that will not help with anything. :/


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your fiancee is not innocent in this. He needs to own his own stuff, IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

Yes I tried to explain this to him as well but he didn't have sex with them and I did and I went back for more.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Read the whole thing. Cheating is a deal breaker for many. It sounds like your H is one for whom this is true.

Unless you agreed to have sex with other people during your split, it is cheating in the majority of opinions, mine included.

Anyway. Reconciliation is extremely hard in the best of circumstances. Your fiance/ex apparently has to see the man that you gave yourself to for a cheap thrill. That is all you were to the OM if he knew you were married BTW.

Is there a possibility of moving?

I would second the advice to work on yourself and go through with the split. I would advise against jumping in the sack with another man anytime soon as it will probably be a bad choice and on the off chance that your fiance and you might figure out how to still work this out, having more sex with others will almost certainly ruin the chance.

Have you read any books about surviving an affair or helping a betrayed spouse heal from your affair?

Also. For you, this was six years ago, for him, it just happened.

Give him all the space he needs and improve yourself. Individual counseling could go a long way towards your personal growth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Isla Cruces said:


> Thank you so much for helping with my post! I really appreciate it!
> 
> Thank you for your advise.. It's been very hard and I know I need to get healthy, I feel like I am falling apart. I feel like I know I have pushed him away. I have done everything wrong you can possible think of. We literally text all day long he tells me he can't take it that causing him to fall behind at work he is exhausted.
> 
> ...


Just so you know. Taking responsibility would have been letting him know what you did six years ago. It also was by no means a mistake. Once was a choice. Five times was developing a habit.

I am focusing on your infidelity because that is the core issue at the moment. There were many relationship problems that belonged to your fiance but the infidelity just trumped everything.

Until it is dealt with, your relationship issues cannot be resolved.

Also. Never put any responsibility on your fiance for who you have chosen to sleep with. That was totally you.

Give him space and stop texting and calling him. Let some peace settle in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

Yes I understand that it is why I listed it as cheating. I didn't have feelings for the other guy and it wasn't like snuggles and movies and stuff it was literally just sex. I guess I would say I was down and out and like the attention which does make me sick myself. 

I feel like he makes it a lose lose no matter what. He can't get over it cause he sees him and the only way he thinks he would be able try and work past is if I was going through feeling what he was feeling. But he thinks of he does and by the time he gets to the 5th he thinks he is scared he will hate me even more. 

And then everything he did it was for nothing anyways.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I understand. Just let him be for now. He is raw with a wound to his heart and soul. He needs time and you could learn to help by reading some books on this issue.

It is up to you to do the work to understand what an affair does to people and there are some good books that can help you understand what he is going through and what you can do to help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Is moving out of the question? I would not be able to look at a man that used my wife, the mother of my children, without becoming violent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

I talked to him about it. The problem is that he has a very good job and it's about to be one running the company and makes really good money. I tell him money isn't everything I also have a very well paying job so. It's hard to make that big of change to me it is worth it. He feels like he doesn't know where to go.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

It's still difficult to piece this together.

If I have it right, the crux is: you slept with someone else while you two were broken up? You weren't married. You weren't living together at the time. You had been in a dating situation and split. You weren't in "separation", right? It was a break-up? 

If I have this right, you didn't cheat. I am sorry your ex has gone off the rails. I realize he is hurt, but that the thing with a break-up: the partners no longer have any claim to the other.

BTW I hope he realizes that this hold true even more now. You are young and will very likely fall in love again. Then another man will not only be sleeping with you but will also be spending a lot of time with you and your (and the ex's) son. Some other guy will be throwing around a football with your son, maybe coaching him, being there on half of the Christmas mornings- all those things that are so difficult about divorce that it is very to make sure a break-up is the right thing.

You guys have problems but unless I am reading the split thing incorrectly, it was not infidelity on your end. And, he cheated while you two were together and put it in your face.

You have been with him since you were a teen. There are a hundred thousand men out there who would not have behaved like your ex. Most men are much better, honestly. You just haven't experienced being in a relationship with anyone else.

I will also say that most men would realize that they have cheated also. They would own their part. They would get help to make things right. Don't believe me? Go read other parts of TAM and see all the men here who are working on improving to become better men, husbands, and fathers. 

It seems horrible now. I agree with the other posters that it is not good to chase him. It gets you nowhere, and it is actually very unattractive, and even worse- as you can see, it is extremely unhealthy for you.

My recommendation is to go low contact. Give yourselves time and space. You need time away from the drama. 

You owned, and even over-owned IMO, your part in this. Give your ex time and space to get himself together, to see if he can come to grips with his own part. See if he is willing to do some work to become a stronger, saner, healthier man who can handle adversity. Let him try to become someone who his son can be proud of, instead of someone who can't handle stress.

In the meantime, get yourself stronger, healthier. Go to therapy to help you, find support, TAM, etc. I agree with the poster who said to build your own life. 

If you two do stay together, I strongly agree with the suggestion to move. If he needs to stay at his job, move to somewhere within a decent commute. Make sure you are not available at all to your ex-fling guy, not at work, not on FB, blocked from phone/cell, etc.

But really? When you are thinking with a clear head, and no longer in the despair of a broken heart, you might view things very differently. He has handled this terribly. He has been purposefully hurtful. He is off the rails. He is not reliable, strong, nor has he taken any ownership for his own behavior. You didn't make him cheat, for instance.

I can assure if that if a man had come on here, admitted to sleeping with someone else while married (e.g. worse than what you did), and his wife wanted revenge and had:

gone out, slept with another man, 
had online dating profiles, 
came home with hickeys, 
kept going hot and cold

the recommendation would be that there can be no movement until the wife owned her own stuff. And I would agree with that assessment.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He didn't sleep with anyone. He tried but couldn't. He attempted a RA but couldn't go through with it apparently. They were exclusive to the point of living with each other and sharing a child. Unless they agreed to have sex with other people during their separation, it was cheating.

I'm sure telling OP it wasn't cheating will help her immensely though....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

I do see it as cheating as well and after he moved out he did have sex with one girl for revenge but apparently she doesn't count cause I don't have to see here. The girl he was trying with now lives in our small town and I use to hang out with her. At the time I cheated I didn't know the guy went into his work. 

I'm trying to be strong through this but it really is very hard I know I brought it apon my self but it still hurts at least he didn't have to know when I was texting or I just went to his house that night and what not.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Isla, if you two were broken up then it was not cheating. If you were having a "separation" to give each other some space, and had an agreement that it was just time and space but no other people, then I would agree with you. Was this the case?

Because other wise, a man who leaves the relationship has no claim on his former woman. (And vice versa.) His ego might be hurt but if he lets you go, he lets you go. Any man who tells me, "I am no longer committed to you but you damn well better stay away from anyone else!" is a joke, IMO.

I am harping on this because the thing I see here with your husband is that he is putting all this on you. In your own words, "you brought this upon yourself." 

He can have sex with another woman, put up dating profiles,, come home with hickeys, torture you, but "you brought it all on yourself".

That is total BS. 

There is an entire section here- read up on how men handle infidelity. Even if you DID have an agreement that you broke by cheating, his behavior towards you has been deplorable.

I don't think you are going to find one man on TAM who has done the things that your husband has done. These men have been married with a ton to lose and they have not sunk to the depths that your husband has.

You did not bring this on yourself. These were HIS decisions. He decided how to react. He decided to hurt you over and over again. 

Eff this noise, sister. And it IS noise. It is entirely meant to make him feel terrible about what YOU did, YOU caused this, and it takes ALL the attention away from his own sh1t behavior.

If you can get the strength to go as low contact as possible with your son, and preferably completely dark, you would so much stronger in a few weeks.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> He didn't sleep with anyone. He tried but couldn't. He attempted a RA but couldn't go through with it apparently. They were exclusive to the point of living with each other and sharing a child. Unless they agreed to have sex with other people during their separation, it was cheating.
> 
> I'm sure telling OP it wasn't cheating will help her immensely though....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They were no longer living together.

AFTER they got back together and HE agreed to re-commit,hee slept with another woman and tried to sleep with more.

He came home with hickeys.

He put up dating profiles.

A couple is no longer exclusive when they split. Maybe this is a Ross and Rachel moment, but personally I've always consider Ross to be a weak character.

Again, any man who tells me "leave. I am breaking up with you. I will not be committed to you but you better not sleep with anyone else!" ???

HAHAHAHAHA


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

Yea I agree it's like how much more punishment can I take really. It isn't fair and one day he does want to make it work and then he is done 100% it's frustrating I tell him like if you just don't want to be here then say it. Look what your doing to us look at me I have lost so much weight. And it's like we share a kid together forever do you really want to make it worse on us. 

I know he is thinking this about me probably but a lot I always thing who is this person I have no idea who he is anymore. I do kind of feel like I am being punished because I am the only person he had ever had sex with I know it meant something to him. And yes he did always tell me if there was any other guy he don't think he could get over it. It's not like I went out knowing it was going to happen o had already been through enough.

Him texting the girls I knew because I wasn't having sex I really felt like I wasn't even sure if we were going to get back together it's like sports are his drugs and I was always come second to it. I never ever tell him no I don't have a problem with them even all these years now. Before he was extreme now he goes like twice a week. But I feel like I should never ever have to tell him no. He should choose what's right or now. 

Idk idk anymore I love him to death. We really were sooo happy I feel like I let all of me go to him and now this. He tells me I ruined him he will never be the same. I ripped his heart out and the it really does hurt him. He drinks beer the min he gets off till he goes to bed now days :/ I feel horrible I hate it my sweet babe to see him this way.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

The fist girls before I cheated were texting one was a girl that cheated with my ex on me he knew I hated her. The other was my best guy friends sister they were like family and practically lived at my house. There were two others he tried texting but those other two meant the most. To me. This was all 6 years ago. 

The other girls with the pof dating girls were this year when he found out I cheated and he moved out. I found it because I was resetting my Apple ID and it was linked to his email cause we shared it and that's when I found it and hacked and saw all the girls he met up with and went on dates. He told me he slept with one. He felt so bad about it that it made him mad at me more he couldn't understand how I would go back and do more of there was nothing between us. 

After that he stopped for a few months. Then seeing the guy and stuff he decided he had to make it even and go with someone I knew the same amount of times so then I would see her and know he went back for more like he has to when he shakes the dudes hand when he comes into his work. 

He has a lot of hate and sadness and anger and whatever else I know he is having a hard time dealing with it I do see it.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

I feel bad like I know the things he has done are not right two wrongs don't make it right. But he really did love me to death I believe that he is just not the effectionate of a person. I learned to accept things about him that were him as he did me. He's hurting and he can't stop thinking about it and dwelling on it and picturing it he is tearing himself apart making his own self crazy and I have no idea how to help him. I love him and I tell him I am here through his roller coaster and I don't want to make the same mistakes as last time. 

But he does need to figure it out he should know if he loves me and wants to make it work. Or not idk it's been 5 months since he got his own place you would think something would be realizing but at the same time we just keep going in circles and arguing about his figureing it out. 

I have no idea though.... Maybe he is still a mess.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

^ I forgot to add that it was also this year after he found out I cheated he moved back and we traded my car that's when he started going out with a girl while living here but he didn't have sex with here just went on 10 dates while k was here know all night he was out with her but he couldn't sleep with he. He felt too bad. The sex was after he moved and came to pick up our and had hickeys


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Isla Cruces said:


> I feel bad like I know the things he has done are not right two wrongs don't make it right. But he really did love me to death I believe that he is just not the effectionate of a person. I learned to accept things about him that were him as he did me. He's hurting and he can't stop thinking about it and dwelling on it and picturing it he is tearing himself apart making his own self crazy and I have no idea how to help him. I love him and I tell him I am here through his roller coaster and I don't want to make the same mistakes as last time.
> 
> But he does need to figure it out he should know if he loves me and wants to make it work. Or not idk it's been 5 months since he got his own place you would think something would be realizing but at the same time we just keep going in circles and arguing about his figureing it out.
> 
> I have no idea though.... Maybe he is still a mess.


I recommend getting "Surviving an Affair" by Willard Harley. Learn about why people cheat and how to recover from it, and how to protect against it (to the extent that it's possible.) A lot of the recovery depends upon putting together "extraordinary precautions" with very high boundaries so that both partners feel safe, as well as building a stronger relationship together. This helps with the mind-movies that your guy is going through as well. 

Read about Plan B, in case you need it. In Plan B, one partner goes no contact until/unless the other partner gets it together. Usually this means ending an affair. For you, it would mean your fella agrees to stop dating/trying to sleep with/texting other women. 

Get "Love Busters" by the same author. It's another great book.

I am sorry that both you and your ex? guy? are in so much pain and turmoil. I can see why your guy gets triggered by seeing your fling at work- that would be hell for most people. Whether you two stay together or not, he will need to manage that. 

And, his other horrible behavior has to stop at some point, in some manner. All this torture and torment. You certainly aren't helping him by letting it go on. You can't stop HIM from doing it but you can remove yourself from the situation. "I love you too much to watch you do this to yourself" can be a true and powerful statement if you can walk away afterwards.

Unfortunately I think it will be up to you to pull him up and lay it on the line: "Listen. We have hurt each other. We can either work together and fix it or we need to separate. I can no longer tolerate this crap behavior, having a "some days Fiance, some days Ex" seeing other women, texting other women. We are both sick from this. I want to be all in. Are you all in or are you out?"

But you have to get strong to say it and mean it. The books will help and TAM and other support will help.

And trust- he has been your one and only for all of your teen and adult life. You may have had a magnificent love for a long time. But this doesn't mean that he is the only one possible for you. If he doesn't get it together, you can still have a wonderful future. Hopefully he DOES get it together but either way, you will be OK.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sorry to say, but it takes a relationship for cheating to occur. When one person or both is no longer invested in a relationship, is there really one at all?

You should realize that you're chasing after a child. He neglects his family and expects them to wait around for him to grow up, and when they move on and start living without him, he wants them back because apparently the world does not revolve around his life and timeline.

Hopefully, I can help alter your perception. You're going through love withdrawal, and if you were more in your logical mind, you would realize that he is not ready for a committed relationship, prior and to this date, it requires he commits something of himself.

You need to answer this for yourself, if you went back to the way things were before, where he was not involved in you and your child's life, besides using you for sexual convenience, how long would you have stayed or want to be married to a person like that?

You should get stronger and distance yourself away from him, work on you, and see if you really want to chase after a person like that.

He is keeping you at an distance, which is raising your interest. Your not experienced enough in relationships to know this.

Here is a breakdown. He neglects you, you leave him. When you are gone, his attachment, or addiction for you kicks in and he goes chasing after you. You get back together, and he cannot handle the fact that you were with another, so he withdraws again, cheats on you, and you are the one chasing him now. When he neglected you, I am sure you were fighting for his attention, but enough time went by where your love was not reciprocated, diminishing your love for him, helping you leave him eventually. Your love did fade to near extinction at some point, and it is possible again. Mostly you want him back because you want that love to be reciprocated, and due to your attachment to him, he is capable of giving you that fix. Face it, if you were a stranger looking at him as a person neutrally, you would distance yourself from him. Over time, your love will diminish again like the time he neglected you given enough time.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I don't get why your beating yourself up for this. You guys split, he never put a ring on it...

I think it was a mistake on your part for sleeping with a guy when your still considering reconciliation with another... but I'm not the judge of what those outside marriage do...

Your break is your time, do as you please.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

What a mess, literally and figuratively.

Your relationship is and was toxic with each of you trying to hurt the other as much as possible. How old are you cause that sounds like what teenagers do not the parents of a kid.

You were on a break when you had sex with the OM but I guess if you never talk you will not know what you P definition of infidelity.

You both have to step away from this toxic mess and agree not to talk about anything for a while, just meet for your son.

Get yourselves a good counselor who will act as mediator between the two of you, you both sound very immature/passionate and not ready to handle issues alone.

Your P's reaction by having a revenge affair is very low but understandable and you are to blame too because you 'trickle truthed' him all along. 

Remember you cannot build a relationship on a heap of dung (under the carpet/rug). it is good it's all out in the air though cleaning up the mess is going to be difficult though not impossible if both are willing. Take one day at a time, no pushing for resolution, it wont work


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

I can't help but feel as though I did cheat on him I mean I did move and all but it was for not very long and he did tell me if there was anyone else he don't think he would be able to handle it when we got back I lied about it. I said there was no other. Part felt like I was mad for the things he did do before. And part felt like at least I left and did it. 

In his eyes it's cheating. I feel I guess I can't see it other way either. I hate that I lied I wish I did tell him then. 

I don't think the things he is doing is right either it's very hard. I love him a lot and after we got back together 6 years ago things really did change and we did get a lot happier I would choose him again. He is the one for me I just wish I knew how to help fix this. I have been strong and trying to prove all these months that no matter I am here I won't make the same mistakes. 

I'm scared that all the fighting and pleading for him to stop all this and work on us cause I do love him and we have a family has pushed him away for good. He tells me that the pushing has pushed to the end of the rope and he really feels as though he is just done.  I hate it


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sorry, but he was responsible for his predicament in the first place. You should own the lying, but you are seeing a true part of him as well, his immature, vindictive side. What you had before was the good times, but when things do not go right, you are also seeing what he is capable of doing to hurt you in return.

Does this make sense then if you neglected him in return for years to show him how neglect feels, should your child ignore his father?

He broke the relationship when he neglected you. Bonds and attachment is biological, and you did lose a lot of love for him when you originally left.

You are not making the same mistakes, but he sure is. He is neglecting you and intentionally punishing you, especially when he was the catalyst for the original problem in the first place.

You fear that you cannot love someone more than him, and to be honest, you do not know that. You can improve yourself and outgrow him as a person, which you have already if you have not noticed.

He is keeping you around just to punish you, and what is the point really, his neglect has consequences for his actions.

My father was an alcoholic, abusive, neglectful person, would you blame me if I loved my uncle as my real father? I chose someone else to play that role.

Your child will be affected by your partner's behavior. It took me therapy to deal with the anger and rage that accompany my abuse, not to mention my distrustful nature that has not fully gone away and I highly doubt that it ever will.

He is a fragile person, and his actions are proving so. His actions previously somehow has disappeared from his mind.

You should not revolve your life around a person, partners are meant to share life, not give up their life and wrap their identity around a person. They stop being their own individual.

You should seek help for your codependency. Your life, happiness, is not only fulfilled by being in a relationship with him.

What he is punishing you for is for his own ego, his vanity. I am 26, and have been since Nov., and I can recognize that if I neglected someone, I was the one who broke the relationship and why should I ask someone to remain faithful for actions that I taken that caused the break-up to occur in the first place.

You do not have experience with relationships that much, but it is your love addiction speaking, wanting that fix again.

You can really judge a person on how they deal with adversity, good times are easy.

Your actions were correct in leaving someone who neglected you, the child as well. You were protecting yourself, plus the love you have was going extinct.

Try emotionally distancing yourself again. Get rid of those love goggles. Love is like a drug, so keep that in mind. Love can make us blind, and love can make us fall in love with terrible people.

My mother could not leave my father, even after he was arrested after throwing a hammer at her.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm not going to worry about *fault* or whether it was *cheating*, I don't see any point in trying to keep score.

If you want to stay together, he has to accept and forgive what you did. You have to accept and forgive what he did. If you are not both willing and able to do that, then you should not be together.



FWIW: I agree with many others that if you broke up, it was not cheating. That doesn't really matter though - even if you are completely right, and he is completely wrong, there is still no point being in a relationship if he *thinks* what you did is wrong and he will not forgive.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

He can't forgive me he just keeps throwing it in my face all the time even this morning when he dropped off our son he is so empty and cold it kills me I hate it. I feel like I'm dying here like I'm so heart broken and he is so mean.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm sorry to hear that. There is nothing you can do to make him change, and life is too short to spend it with someone who can't accept you.

Again, I actually think you did nothing wrong, but if he doesn't see it that way, then I don't see any solution. 








Isla Cruces said:


> He can't forgive me he just keeps throwing it in my face all the time even this morning when he dropped off our son he is so empty and cold it kills me I hate it. I feel like I'm dying here like I'm so heart broken and he is so mean.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

I'm feeling like I have come to terms that my relationship is over. I feel this way at the moment but who knows how long that last. I will always have hope for us. For now I plan to work on me and be giving him the space he needs at the same time. 

I got out of town today that was nice. I have been around people who know my ex. And I they tell me he is just hurt it sounds like I just need to give him the space he asks for. And that if he does say something mean I need to start taking a stand for myself. 

They say that maybe if he keeps up throwing revenge maybe just say you know what I have sufferered enough you have already revenged me by having sex already once and maybe I don't show it like you do I have suffered it. If you have sex with someone I know to hurt me then fine I will have sex with someone you know and we will be doing this again. Idk that sounds harsh I didn't intentionally hurt him and go with the person I had no idea he came to his work. 

So for now I'm just gonna work on me start to feel and look better again. Do things with my son and have fun show him I can live my life with out him. Maybe it'll be a wake up call since he is hurting and likes seeing me hurt maybe I need to stop giving him that to see and realize. 

Wish me luck! I hope I hold strong I need it for myself.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

He is projecting.
He feels responsible for the break up, so now he deflected and has found a way to pin that guilt and shame onto you. Just distance yourself, as long as you show that you are taking all accountability off of him, he will continue to hold you accountable.

Just say that your sorry he feels that way, and you need to give your relationship some space do that you can reflect on the situation and decide if you want a future.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

Honestly I don't know what he is doing anymore or what is intentions are. All he keeps saying it a lot of hurt he has and hate. So idk. 

I want to be past this like I know this isn't him he does do mean things but he can't even make himself do it which makes me feel like he does care and it is just hurt. 

At the same time I feel like who knows if he is just saying these things. For me for him to still feel as hurt and he makes it seems he is after 5 months seems crazy but then again I have no clue. I'm not a guy and I have had sex with other people and some really were just sex no feelings I have been cheated on in high school though. But all these things he has never dealt with I was his second long term girlfriend and the only he had sex with and never been cheated on. And he's a guy girls seem to forgive easier when they do love at least that's how I feel.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

Isla Cruces said:


> I did suggest counseling he is very stern with no. What did he do to deserve even have to go talk to a counselor. He also thinks they are quacks that will not help with anything. :/


His opinion about therapy and counselling should not stop to go to it alone.

Go to it, work on yourself, see what you want, put some order in your feelings. It will not hurt you.


How old is your kiddo ? Maybe it would be good, depend of his age, to make him see a counsellor, for see how he manages the situation.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

He is 8 he is doing really do though he sees us both so much every other day is spends with each. One thing I can say is that my son does do more things with him. That is a good out come out of this no matter the case of our situation. I chose a good dad for him at least.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"That doesn't really matter though - even if you are completely right, and he is completely wrong, there is still no point being in a relationship if he *thinks* what you did is wrong and he will not forgive."

This is spot on.

In the end, it does not matter what any one here thinks about whether you cheated or not.

The only opinion that matters for your situation is HIS.

So no matter what, DO NOT dispute whether you actually cheated or not with him...that is if you do not want to push him further away.

But if he will not forgive you, then your only option is to detach emotionally from him and move on in life.

Learn this lesson though for your future....DO NOT jump into new sexual relationships during 'breaks' if you know there is even the slightest chance that you and your partner may get back together.

It does nothing but cause drama and issues that make R that much more difficult, even if many don't consider it actual infidelity.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

Yea I understand that I don't dispute it with him at all and I didn't call it not cheating. I specifically say it I understand that. I don't know whether he will forgive me or not he does but then I ask a million questions from him and then he is back to idk I feel like I just need to make it even but even then he don't know if it'll make him feel that way or make him hate me more. He has told me he is done now that he just can't do it anymore. 

I know I pushed him I want to hold hope but yes I'm trying to move on. 10 years with someone I love and my best friend to 5 months 5 months seems like nothing odk how people just move on after 5 months after being together for 10 years all day every day.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Is moving out of the question? I would not be able to look at a man that used my wife, the mother of my children, without becoming violent.


I think you missed something, they have never been married.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

Gaahh.. It's so hard for me. My ex picked up my son to take him to Vegas and he isn't going to be back until Monday. I'm so sad he is going with out me and taking our son for the first time and that I won't see my son for that long. And he was like all in a hurry to get his stuff and go I didn't say anything trying to be strong here


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

It takes time to be able to emotionally detach from a partner/spouse. It takes many attempts at the 180 degrees, in order to succeed. But just like almost everybody here, you will make it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RoseAglow said:


> They were no longer living together.
> 
> AFTER they got back together and HE agreed to re-commit,hee slept with another woman and tried to sleep with more.
> 
> ...


One, you don't know that he told her to leave. It may have been her or a mutual decision. Two, going out and having stupid "bang me" sex during your separation will almost certainly end the relationship. Three, she hid it from her SO and he didn't start trying to have a RA until he found out.

The fact that he sealed the deal in a RA and is still hurting, duh, is not good at all for their chances.

She needs to treat this as a recovery from an affair to have a chance at reconciliation.

I don't personally think there is a solid foundation here but if she wants to try and salvage this then telling her she didn't cheat will certainly speed the process to ending it.

Sex is a deal breaker for most. OP knew that she screwed up by letting an idiot fvck her like a cheap piece of ass.

Her SO should have been told but she knew it would have probably ended it. Duh.

So he finds out six years after, right before they are going to get married.

OP said there relationship for the last six years was happy and satisfying. I wonder how much that had to do with her trying harder because she fvcked an idiot that she wants nothing to do with now.

OP did cheat according to her own testimony of her actions.

Her best bet is to read up on recovery from infidelity and how to help a betrayed spouse heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I think you missed something, they have never been married.


I missed nothing. I was relating how I would feel. I know that they were as committed as can be without a state issued license.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Isla Cruces said:


> Yea I understand that I don't dispute it with him at all and I didn't call it not cheating. I specifically say it I understand that. I don't know whether he will forgive me or not he does but then I ask a million questions from him and then he is back to idk I feel like I just need to make it even but even then he don't know if it'll make him feel that way or make him hate me more. He has told me he is done now that he just can't do it anymore.
> 
> I know I pushed him I want to hold hope but yes I'm trying to move on. 10 years with someone I love and my best friend to 5 months 5 months seems like nothing odk how people just move on after 5 months after being together for 10 years all day every day.


They move on when their SO starts fvcking idiots.

You definitely showed what you thought of your relationship when you had sex with someone else. You showed by your actions that you could not give a shyt about the father of your child.

That is the truth.

Cheating is very harsh and hard to come back from.

Have you read up on recovery from infidelity?

The only chance at repair is actions to repair the wound caused by infidelity.

I will give a disclaimer here. I would be gone and hate you for the rest of my life if you had slept with another and lied to me for six years.

The advice I am giving is seriously, to help you have a chance to undo the damage you have done. He is done. The only thing that might win him back is time and the correct actions from you.

Start the work if you want him back or keep crying and you won't have a chance.

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. If you do manage to get him to try again with you, you will need to deal with the infidelity first but the relationship problems before you cheated need to be dealt with.

After the split and your romp, did he display the same bad traits that he was displaying before the split?

How much better was his behavior after you got back together?

Regardless, marriage counseling is a must. He can't own your infidelity but he has to own his crappie behavior in your relationship.

He also needs IC because he is definitely screwed up now. His RA has probably screwed him up just as bad as your affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I've never been a fan of sex with others as soon as there is a separation for it seldom benefits anyone in the long run. The OP's story is one example of this. Many breakups end up being temporary ones and unless there is a formal declaration by one partner that he/she quits the relationship for good to the other partner, then it is very dubious that it is. Hence I see why the OP considers that she cheated.

Nevertheless, we can't ignore the ex-fiance's own sins which have greatly helped make this a very sickly relationship. His retaliatory actions speak louder than any words he could exchange with the OP. He doesn't love the OP and until the OP accepts this truth, she won't be able to move forward with her life.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It is definitely an unhealthy relationship but I am wondering how healthy it was for the last six years and why?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

I know that I didn't do the right things and I don't say that I do. I know what I did was wrong honestly after all the stuff he did before and all the partying from both sides at the time I really didn't want it I was exhausted and had already been trying for years. I begged him for years. I gave up my baby because I was scared to be a single mother with two kids and before anyone comments on that. 

I know it was wrong hence why I only have 1 kid I punish my own self by not having more. He has done already crappy things to me in the past even before him texting girls we got a loan for a house and then ended up arguing he went out and picked the house to buy with out me. 

There are a list of things that went wrong so when I was done yes I was done when I moved. And no maybe I shouldn't have went out and just slept with someone else but for some reason then I couldn't be alone I needed to have someone weather I had feeling for that person or not. And yes I already know that it wrong too. 

Things changed after because he quit all the things he was doing the partying and being gone all the time the not spending time with me we both worked at it. The past 6 years were work and compromise for each other. we hardly ever fought he was sweeter and more loving we became a team. He was my best friend we told each other everything. 

All these things I do already know and I am trying to move on it isn't easy but I am I haven't text him or talk to him at all. Only about our son. I love him I will probably always love him and have a little hope but I don't want us to be miserable at the same time. I want him to have his space to realize. I was good to him he knows I was. And our sex was amazing because we were so happy. I loved my life. 

Maybe we had 2 years of our whole relationship that was **** but 8 years have been happier then ever. I know he loves me maybe I have pushed him too far that it is gone now idk. But I am trying here I know my wrongs I own my wrongs I tell him a list of things or things he needs to own even though there is a lot I know right now is 1 problem and that what I did.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

I gues not everything duh because I didn't tell him about the guy when we were broken up but everything else you know what I mean. I wanted to tell him it drove me crazy I just could t figure out how. He proposed to me 3 years ago and I can't help but keep pushing back our wedding because I hate to lie k couldn't be married with it I just couldn't.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

* I don't tell him a list of the things he did wrong then.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

Everyone tells me around me that if he truly loves me and it's meant to be then he will be back. He needs space to figure himself out but if he doesn't then I can understand. It's not easy for me to accept because I love my family and I have always done everything I could for it. Except **** someone else when we broke up. But even before he would work long hours I was there made sure he had dinner made his plate rubbed him and loved him. He does do sweet things. 

He thinks of me in his own cute ways maybe he isn't the biggest smuggler but he was trying and helped me he would let me sleep in Saturday's and I would wake up and he cleaned the house for me. We both worked together and started giving each other the things we both needed. It sucks we got it all figured out and got extremely happy for this to happen if I could go back I wouldn't do it but I deffinetly would sit down with him and tell him.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I have no doubts that you feel great remorse for not having told him, when you two reunited 6 years ago, about you having sex with another man during your temporary breakup. Nevertheless, you are to be commended for owning your sh!t. But sadly your ex-fiance hasn't followed suit.

Though I don't condone neither of your bad choices, there is something that I don't think its been touched upon. You've had 6 years to process your fling while he has not. So for him it is like it just happened yesterday. Also, there is the added humiliation he may have experienced of feeling like he was duped by you while the everybody else knew and may have laughed behind his back. This doesn't excuse his bad behavior, but it may help you gain a new perspective from his POV.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Isla, what happened with your other child? Does your ex know?

Whatever the case, that had to have a terrible emotional impact on you.

Did you ever get counseling or were you able to anyone about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## leon1 (Sep 3, 2014)

I think your ex needs counselling , he sounds abit lost , doesnt know how to deal with the hurt .Doubtful there is any going back in the relationship but ye need to learn to communicate better so ye can be good parents.If you do want to try the relationship again you will have to wait a long time , it takes people a long time to deal with hurt .Just a thing How long did ye break up for 6 years ago.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> Is moving out of the question? I would not be able to look at a man that used my wife, the mother of my children, without becoming violent.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It was 6 years ago. They weren't married or even engaged at that time. And they were broken up. She didn't cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> It was 6 years ago. They weren't married or even engaged at that time. And they were broken up. She didn't cheat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I find myself wondering if a guy who slept with someone else during a break up would get this hard of a time. 

I happen to agree that it's not smart, but when you break up these things can happen and you don't have any say. If you want to have say then establish ground rules for your breakup. He didn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I find myself wondering if a guy who slept with someone else during a break up would get this hard of a time.
> 
> I happen to agree that it's not smart, but when you break up these things can happen and you don't have any say. If you want to have say then establish ground rules for your breakup. He didn't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd give a guy a hard time, too. People rarely go into "separation" with the idea that the other has license to see someone else. They're trying to figure out themselves and their future as a couple. Personally, I think separations are a joke because they are rarely initiated in a balanced way and most often someone else has eyes for another or is actively engaged in an A, or will lead to people seeing others. The implied understanding in most separations is if it's not stated then you don't see other people. Or at least one person is going to think that. If you're going to see other people, then what's the point? That's what people do in their teens and early 20's when they don't know how to make firm decisions and lack experience. Or in their much later ages when they are trying to handle things in an appropriate manner after having spent a long time together. Not many people separate and get back together. Not in my experience, that is.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> It was 6 years ago. They weren't married or even engaged at that time. And they were broken up. She didn't cheat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK. Then everything is fine in your world. You are not in this situation. Sex might not be a deal breaker for you. Post your own thread and talk about how you had a split with the parent of your child, the only person you ever had sex with and while the separation was going on your SO had random, stupid sex and then when you two were talking about ending the split, you tell your SO that if they had random, stupid sex that getting back together wasn't an option. Your SO then lies to you for six years about something you told them was a deal breaker and how the stupid, random sex was with someone you have been interacting with for the last six years and you are just fine with it and have no problems.

This isn't your thread or your life and these people don't have your values.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I find myself wondering if a guy who slept with someone else during a break up would get this hard of a time.
> 
> I happen to agree that it's not smart, but when you break up these things can happen and you don't have any say. If you want to have say then establish ground rules for your breakup. He didn't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I tell both genders that sex with anyone but their SO is extremely destructive if they want any chance with their SO. Duh. If you want to keep a relationship, fvcking other people is as dim as it gets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I tell both genders that sex with anyone but their SO is extremely destructive if they want any chance with their SO. Duh. If you want to keep a relationship, fvcking other people is as dim as it gets.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can certainly agree that no good is going to come out of fvcking other people if there's a chance you'll want to get back with your ex, but I stand by the argument that if you break up without ground rules you both agree on you really can't complain if that happens.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I can certainly agree that no good is going to come out of fvcking other people if there's a chance you'll want to get back with your ex, but I stand by the argument that if you break up without ground rules you both agree on you really can't complain if that happens.


That isn't the case here. He told her that if she had sex with anyone it wasn't going to work. She already knew it was stupid to have done it and then chose to lie about what was obviously a deal breaker for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I can certainly agree that no good is going to come out of fvcking other people if there's a chance you'll want to get back with your ex, but I stand by the argument that if you break up without ground rules you both agree on you really can't complain if that happens.


People can complain about anything. And they will.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

For what I get off my thread is pretty much everyone feels as though there is no hope for my family to come back together :/


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Isla Cruces said:


> For what I get off my thread is pretty much everyone feels as though there is no hope for my family to come back together :/


There is hope and then there is false hope. The former doesn't depend on unrealistic expectations, while the latter does. Which do you think you have?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Isla Cruces said:


> For what I get off my thread is pretty much everyone feels as though there is no hope for my family to come back together :/


There might be but you have to give him time and space as well as read some of the suggested books and start putting the knowledge you gain into action.

There have been other couples that recover but it takes a lot of work and time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

Sometimes I think there is hope I know that he loves me and I know he tells me that he has never had any of these things happen to him and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Then sometimes I think there is no hope anymore because we argued so much these last few months. 

He told me once that if I would have left him alone when he left he really feels like he would have crawled back but we have argued over this so much that he feels like he is defeated he just wants to be a hermit and be left alone and find himself again because he is made and sad and hates so much. 

I don't know what to think anymore because our conversations are cold and short. :/


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

I know he doesn't want a relationship he doesn't want to date anyone he never wanted to marry anyone but me. And even ask he found out and he moved he told me that he does hope we can make it through this because he doesn't see himself marrying anyone but me. 

I know that's hurt talking though you think you want find someone you like but even when your not looking for it that person can come along.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just make sure to stay away from any romance or sex with anyone if you hold out hope of reconciliation. Just read up and work on yourself. Self improvement is wonderful medicine. Plus you need to gain some weight and het healthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

Yea I'm working on me. I don't want anyone else sometimes I do think it would be easier for me to move on from my hurt to start talking to people and stuff but I don't want to make the same mistakes as last time I'm trying to keep myself away from that after some of the stuff he has done I have really felt it but I haven't I've been strong waiting for him to go through what he has to. I'm sure when the time is right I will know.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

I miss us everyday


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You are a young and cute couple. Hope you both come out of this healthy. Sounds like he is every bit as messed up inside as you. Maybe even more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

Thank you. I know I've hurt him more then you can imagine hurting someone I'm very loving in general I never want to hurt anyone let alone the people k love more then anything.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

Do you think too much space would be bad for us? I literally have t talked to him really at all just him telling me he was taking our son to Vegas and I called him this morning to see if they have left and to tell my son I love him have fun and be safe.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Isla Cruces said:


> For what I get off my thread is pretty much everyone feels as though there is no hope for my family to come back together :/


Dear Isla Cruces,

Please keep a few things in mind:

1) It's only been three days since you started your thread. Three days is not enough time to learn if your relationship with your ex has any hope or not. That will take many more months and possibly even years (if you are prepared to wait that long).

2) Do not become discouraged by what people say here. Nobody knows you or you ex, or completely understands your situation. Some of the advice you get will be good and some not so good. You have to decide which is which.

3) Your relationship is very complicated, with many good things as well as many bad things that happened in the past. But what matters is what happens in the future, so don't dwell too much on the past.

4) You can't control what he does and trying to will only push him farther away. This also goes for nagging, complaining, fighting, questioning, etc.

5) You can control yourself. The best chance you have a winning him back involves you becoming the most attractive person you can be. What makes a person attractive? Maintaining a good appearance; having a healthy attitude and being personable; knowing how to take care of oneself (i.e., not being needy); being fun to be with; havins a purpose in life; being good to one's family and friends. I could go on and on but you get the point. Your job now is to become the best person you can be.

Unfortunately, there is no magic formula for fixing a relationship. Sometimes things fall apart even when we do everything possible to improve them. But that is no reason to give up hope.

Finally, start reading about how to fix a broken relationship. There are many books, such as How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. Also check out websites like Leslie Cane Articles.

I believe you will have a better future. Maybe it will be with your ex. Maybe it will be with someone else. But, if you do your best, it will happen.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

To be honest with you, your love for him will fade naturally over time, unless he keeps hooking you along. He needs time to grow up, and you need to uncouple yourself to be a healthy individual on your own.

What made you stay for years when he neglected you?

You also need to be aware of something, we all or most of us have a love drive,kind of like a sex drive, whether you end up with him or not, you will find someone else eventually to fulfill that need. Some people can ignore it and stay alone for a lifetime, or choose to emotionally guard themselves against falling in love again.

Years of neglect left you wanting to feel love. He did not, until you left. He knew what you wanted and chose not to make it a priority for him. People do not change until a crisis occurs usually. He would trigger your need to feel love when you see him, and then you grow frustrated that it did not happen, and that love was not reciprocated.

Main reason why it was a bad idea to start a relationship after you left him is because you are vulnerable,your need for love was great, and it was easy for someone to come along and give you affection.

Hypothetically speaking, if you did end up dating a good guy, and your ex continued the neglect, your son would naturally bond with someone else. I have three step cousins who do not talk to their bio father due to his neglect. When they were young, mostly under ten at the time, they bonded to my uncle and now view him as their real father because he took on that role.

To be honest, the probability of him remaining a hermit is slim at best. If he left you for good, the odds of you waiting for him for a lifetime is slim at best.

You both will grow accustomed not returning the feelings, and you will create new neural pathways, while the pathways that are linked to triggering neurotransmitters when your love for him flares up will eventually go extinct. Think of a long time ago friend that you once knew, the need to reinforce and establish that bond again is non-existent.

Your bond for him was weak enough for you to leave him at one point. You may not know it, but you were connecting him to pain, and you left the relationship in order to stop that pain. Your connection that formed love is weak. Oxytocin, the hormone that helps create bonds, was very weak when thoughts of him arose. Usually the stronger the bond, the higher levels of bonding hormones are released.

With strong bonds, research shows that couples are willing to work together, better communicate, have more patience. The fact that you left him at one point, had a high probability of that bond being severely weakened, it was something you did not take the time to analyze.

So, I gave you strong evidence that your bond to him was weak and over time, given enough distance, you would have moved on. The fact that you were looking for affection due to your drought of feeling love, and your vulnerable emotional state after leaving him gave someone else an opening.

Given more time and if you worked through your emotions for your ex, you would have eventually sought another relationship most likely. There is a chance you could of been in one healthier relationship today.

Hope is a wonderful emotion and all, but it can lead to denial and stop people from gaining acceptance.

Your love for him is wanting to be fulfilled, so at the present, you're not dealing with your own pain, the past, and all he has done. You're looking for that next fix that he can provide at the moment. Your need for him to fulfill that love drive will lessen over time, so keep that in mind.

Like an addict, you're narrowing a lot of your focus on him.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

If your closest friend had come to you with a story exactly like yours, what would you advise her to do? I'll bet that it wouldn't come anywhere close to what you have been doing. 

The day when you are honest with yourself, is the day that you will take the same advice that you'd give to a close friend.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Have you ever had contact with the guy you cheated with at any time within those six years?


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

So I am back. These last couple of months have been miserable. I recently about a month ago came back in contact with an ex. Its like things were still great and have been like good friends for eachother he is kinda going through the same feelings as me except him and his ex separated for different reason and she has been gone 3 years yikes I hope im not stuck like that. I still miss my ex. Between my ex and his our friend ship has been miserable me ex threatens to beat him up and hurt him include have sex with his ex which my friend still cares about. It really sucks it is a good friendship which we can both do things when we are bored someone to talk to whom understands you and my ex doesnt even want to forgive me and come back. 

I dont know why he is making it so miserable for me to get out of my house and have a life and get out of depressed mode. I know know if I make it like there is hope hoping there is some for us or if he just wants me to be miserable. I have fought for us for months and months he knows im very sorry. IDK what to think anymore. I kinda do like my ex and think maybe we could be something but its not easy with my ex and now his ex trying to talk about me and started texting out of the blue..

I told him if he wants her then let me go he cant need me and be trying to get happy with her and same goes for me. I am mixed too idk what to think about either of our situations I guess thats what I get for trying to get out and have a life when I am not ready clearly. I don't want to be sitting at my house with no life or friends depressed and holding onto hope when there is none either thought.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Have you ever try viewing your ex differently. At first, he was neglectful and immature. Now, he is down right abusive.

Have you ever considered he is not simply relationship material. When things get difficult, he simply lashes out, not owning his own issues. Instead, he gets abusive for his own ego and insecurities.

If he did not destroy the relationship in the first place, he would not be in the mess he is in.

The consequence for his immaturity and neglect create an environment where it broke down your attachment to him. And people are responsible as well for destroying a bond. If he ignored your child, would you blame the child if the child no longer sees him as a father?

You need to work on your own issues, and not take blame for his own consequences.

If he stopped being your partner and if you dated your ex, then it is not cheating. Again,the commitment is broken. Although, at this moment, it would be a bad idea since you have major issues of your own.

Think about it, he is not with you, but no one is allowed to be with you either. Are you his property or are you your own person who has to live her own life and leave someone who will only cause you misery. If your child has a partner like your husband, would you stand around and not protect your child from someone like your ex?

Sorry, but you remind me of my mother. My father was abusive and my mother could not leave my father to protect me. Today, I only see my mother once or twice a year. I have no trust in her as a parent, someone who should have protected me and be a role model.

If you or your ex cannot handle the responsibility of being a role model, then you should let others do the parenting. My parenting came from a therapist and your child might as well see one.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Isla
I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. I can't advise you just that your story hit me like a slap upside the head. My wife did have an affair and I have been doing the same thing to her as your ex has done to you. She has been bending herself backwards to making it work and I just didn't see it. I have been treating her like sh*t. I really messed up our reconciliation and must now bust my butt to save it. Thank you for sharing you journey and I hope things work out for you.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

That's amazing at least something happy comes from all this. I'm glad you can see it in your situation with your ex. It really is a hard thing to go through. I really hope things work out the best for you two.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Isla: Like you, I am hoping we can work it through and come out on the other side. After all that as happened I don't know if it is salvageable. What she did was wrong, but how I responded was no better. Sane to you, hope that where ever you go and what ever happens that you will finally be happy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Isla,

You really need to pull yourself out of this situation. It's not help your or your ex. It's like he's now feeding off the misery he's causing. Mr.Fisty is right, your ex is abusive. As long as you continue to interact with him, he has what he wants... your attention. He has your attention. He's controlling & abusing you and it's feeding his ego.

You really do need to stop all contact with him except for whatever is needed to share your son.

Look at the link in my signature block below for the 180. that is how you need to be interacting with your ex.. as little as possible. If at all possible, communicate only via text and email with him about your son. Find a neutral place for the two of you to drop off and pick up your son. ... family or friend maybe? Or set the rule that he can no longer come to your door. He has to call your son from his car and your son will go out to him. When he drops your son off, your son can come to the door by himself.

Some books were suggested to you by another poster. Did you read them? You NEED to read them. Add to them "His Needs, Her Needs" after you read those books.

You cannot change him. But you can change yourself and how you interact with him. He cannot abuse and mistreat you if he cannot talk to you and spend time around you. After a few weeks of the 180 he might get it.. that you are not going to continue to play the game where he gets to beat you up indefinitely. In the last few months you have taught him that it's ok to abuse you emotionally... that you will put up with him cheating, lying and being mean to you.. as long as you one ounce of his attention. What a lucky guy!!! He has you begging him for his attention and love. And he has other women he can date, have sex with, etc. He's hit the jack pot and will not stop until you end all contact with him.

Please, stop torturing yourself. You have more than paid for your 'sins'.

And watch out about this friendship with the guy whose wife left him. Two people with broken hearts is the easiest way to start an affair.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your ex. Was he cheating on you whilst you were cheating on him?

The reason I ask is that his behaviour is a little abnormal unless he has some spare guilt he is trying to transfer onto your shoulders?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
The first thing you two need to do is grow up, if possible. You two were playing house while he goes and plays sports and you both party and act like kids. You are parents, you must behave as such. You indicated that after the "split" you had 6 great years. Perhaps the growth I speak of was occurring. Then, five months ago, you drop a nuclear bomb on him. You two were compromising and "happy" for 6 years, even planning marriage, then "BOOM".

Now, five months after the explosion, you reconnect with an ex bf because it's so nice to have someone to hang out with and talk to who really understands you? Do you not have any female friends with whom you can associate that would not pour salt in your SO's wounds? Do you honestly think he is not thinking of you having sex with this ex. Also, did you not say that you and SO have lived together since you were 16? How young did you start having relationships? In any event, it takes a long time and supreme perseverance to R. It can take years to heal from the betrayal and his actions now are his immature way of lashing out and trying to make you feel the pain he feels. That's not an excuse, it's a reason, since his actions are inexcusable and immature.

So, if you hold any hope of reuniting, then you both must begin acting as adults and you both must get help dealing with your emotions since you are obviously not capable on your own. You must understand that he needs time to absorb this situation, without the added complication of you "hanging" with other guys and he needs to stop lashing out and really work through this pain but he will need your steadfast diligence. Someone has to take the first mature steps out of this, is that you? I hope, for the sake of the 8 year old, it can be but it seems unlikely. You just want everything to go back to the way it was during the 6 years of happiness, without putting forth real effort and he just wants to hurt you like you have hurt him and make you feel that searing pain. Both are unhealthy and damaging to a relationship.

Will you determine to do whatever it takes, for a reasonable amount of time, thereby giving him an opportunity to see your resolve and how serious you are and maybe see that you are feeling the pain from this nightmare? Or will you reconnect with ex's and allow him to fester, believing you feel little or no pain over what you did and perpetuating his lashing out towards you? Someone needs to grow up and if he grows up first, he may see your actions as superficial and disingenuous. If you consider 5 months long enough, then perhaps it is time to move on, maybe with this ex you have reconnected with. Only you can make that determination. I wish you strength and good fortune as you grow.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Isla Cruces STOP and think for a minute. Unless you have terminated your relationship with your ex fiance what you are doing in sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings with an ex-boyfried is called an EA (emotional affair). An EA does not have to be sexual or romantic but it can become a full blown affair. Most affairs often start as innocent friendships and eventually become EA. You MAY be on the verge of repeating history if you keep this up.

The healthiest choice is for you to terminate your relationship with your ex fiance in lieu of his vile and unfaithful behavior. He is not husband material by any stretch of the imagination and the sooner you acknowledge this and end things with him, the better it will be for you.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

Okay I don't want to sound mean in no way but I'm already down and negative is getting the best of me. My ex fiancé has been the most horrible to me this last few months I feel like I have no idea who he even is and he has told me a number of times to move on cause he isn't coming back. But then doesn't let me move on. Even though I'm not moving on exactly just trying to move on with my life. 

His sisters were and are my best friends but there are things they should be dragged into I need a life of my own started hanging out with my old friends and that's where the ex came in and not like dating more just hanging out fishing with everyone and stuff. 

I know we were immature one thing we are great at is parenting we are good our kid comes first no matter what and we don't show any crap infront of him no matter how crappy it is.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
No one here holds malice towards you. Our desire is to help and, if possible, save a young family in the process. The first thing you need to do is to understand that your life is dynamic and must change as you grow. These new "friends" that you are hanging with are they all married? "What difference does that make" you may ask and the answer is lifestyle. As a committed person and parent your lifestyle should have changed as you grew. Committed individuals have a significant difference in the boundaries they keep, the activities they engage in and so on. If you are out hanging with unattached individuals you will be exposed to situations in keeping with that lifestyle rather than the lifestyle of a committed person. The same is true for your SO.

You said your ex-fiancé (what I call your SO) told you to move on since he is not coming back but his actions betray him. If he truly wanted nothing more to do with you he would be totally indifferent towards you. The simple fact that he is purposely hurting you shows he still cares, if he did not he would not care what you are doing or with whom nor would it stir any emotion in him. So, as long as he shows emotion towards you he cares despite what he says. So, knowing that, you can either return kindness to him no matter how badly he tries to hurt you and show him that you understand and are willing to wait for him to heal or you can further fuel his anger, deepening his negative emotion towards you by reconnecting with exes and hanging with your single friends.

I posit that your kindness towards him and resolve to save your family may be the catalyst needed to illuminate his mind whereby he may see what an immature ass his behavior represents. I know of no stronger a contrast than seeing you act as a mature wife and mother while he pursues his immature, anger driven pain fest. What do you have to lose in the effort? What might you gain? Good luck.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

Your very right. Thank you I needed to hear that.


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

Hi Isla,

Your ex sounds very immature. To use sex as a weapon is not something a normal adult would do. Any time you do something he doesn't like, he threatens to have sex with someone. Is this someone that you want to be with forever? Here's a question you need to ask yourself - do you love him for who he is or do you love the idea of him that you have in your head?

Here is one fact I have learned. People don't really change. Old habits don't die unless something happens to make them die. Is this the type of behavior that you can live with forever? Even if he doesn't manipulate you by saying he's going to have sex with someone else, even before all of that came into the equation, you talk about how lonely and miserable you were because he didn't spend time with you. If somehow threatening infidelity came off the table, could you live in a relationship with him where you are constantly lonely and miserable?

It is hard because we can't always control who we fall in love with, and in many cases we fall in love with someone who is incompatible with our needs. Maybe your ex just can't provide you with what you need. You feel like you cheated on him and confided in him and he had two choices - 1) leave you or 2) stay with you and work the issue out. He chose to stay with you but instead of working the issue out, he manipulates you and uses your action to make his poor decisions okay. This shows that he is immature and unable to handle this type of situation - is this the type of person you want to be in a marriage with? 

Sorry but the more I read about your ex the more I don't understand why you love him so much. The only reason I can come up with is you are in love with the illusion of who you want him to be or imagine him to be, not who he really is. Or you blame yourself for his behavior (which you shouldn't, he's a grown man and makes his own decisions). My suggestion to you is to RUN from him and work on yourself. Go to counseling, work out, spend time with your son taking care of him, get together with friends. Eventually someone who deserves your love will come along and you can hopefully start a relationship free from the manipulation that your ex is using on you.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

So I guess my ex really is worse then I ever thought he was. He freaked out on my for talking to someone and him staying the night at my house harassed me about it all Sunday. I felt horrible about it my ex fiance came over last night had sex with me today I get looking at this girls twitter there is a pic from a month ago which I saw just never paid attention to it i look at it yea its her laying in his bed in his room. What a piece of **** he has been talking to someone else this whole time harassing me for moving forward with my life and he has been lying to me and having her over there and the caption says hate leaving his house. 

Its like death I love him I dont know how to get my feelings away from him to move on with my life. I never in my life could have pictured my ex being the way he is to me. threatening people I talk to that I dont even have sex with while all along he is. I dont understand him I know he loved me more then anything and wanted to marry me he told me all the time to now this. and constantly using my kid against me telling me he is going to file to take him and all this stuff. I feel all the time like who is this guy?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

You were his only and you gave yourself to another....he has to see this guy at work knowing he had sex with you....no wonder he can't heal with a stinking POSOM under his nose. You said he may become the boss? Maybe then he can fire that POS and get rid of the trigger he sees daily.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Isla Cruces said:


> So I guess my ex really is worse then I ever thought he was. He freaked out on my for talking to someone and him staying the night at my house harassed me about it all Sunday. I felt horrible about it my ex fiance came over last night had sex with me today I get looking at this girls twitter there is a pic from a month ago which I saw just never paid attention to it i look at it yea its her laying in his bed in his room. What a piece of **** he has been talking to someone else this whole time harassing me for moving forward with my life and he has been lying to me and having her over there and the caption says hate leaving his house.
> 
> Its like death I love him I dont know how to get my feelings away from him to move on with my life. I never in my life could have pictured my ex being the way he is to me. threatening people I talk to that I dont even have sex with while all along he is. I dont understand him I know he loved me more then anything and wanted to marry me he told me all the time to now this. and constantly using my kid against me telling me he is going to file to take him and all this stuff. I feel all the time like who is this guy?


Dear Isla Cruces,

Here's what you need to do:

Get yourself a thick rubber band that is a little bit smaller in diameter than your wrist and put it on your left wrist. Every time you think about your Ex, with your right hand pull the rubber band about two inches away from your wrist and then let go. It will snap back and it will hurt. If you think of him again in the next few minutes, pull it back again, but this time pull it three inches before letting it snap back. It will hurt even more. Keep doing this until the pain of the rubber band snapping against your wrist is worse than the pain of thinking about your Ex. Then go about your business.

All right, now let's get serious. As others have pointed out, both you and your Ex are acting like children. You can't control how he acts but you can control how you act. You can stop acting like a child and start acting like an adult if you really want to. Adults learn how to deal with disappointment and you can, too. Heck, even most children learn how to deal with disappointment, so you have no excuse.

Of course, the other advice you have received -- like limiting your interactions with your Ex -- is also important. But what is most important is for you to take responsibility for your own actions. You are in the this mess because you did something selfish and stupid. You have no excuse and no one can save you but yourself.

What you are doing now -- wallowing in self-pity and continuing to allow yourself to be caught up in the drama of your dysfunctional relationship with your Ex, is also selfish and stupid. So just stop it.

If you won't do this for yourself, do it for your child who needs at least one parent who is able to control his/her emotions and actions.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He is reacting, stupidly, to the pain of your betrayal. Better cut him out of the picture until he calms down.

I understand his pain but he is going about it all wrong.

You also might want to just steer clear of relationships for a while and become independent.

Your man picker is probably out of whack.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

NoChoice made some good observations BTW.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

It's been five months since I have posted on here. I wish I could say things have gotten better I am still talking to the guy I met my ex now has a new young girlfriend that isn't even old enough to drink. I'm still bitter and sad.

I know I got myself here in the first place and still stupidly thinking that we loved each other enough that he will realize that our family meant something and want me back. 

This new guy is really ok he is my best friend really but I can't seem to feel the same as I did with my ex and I miss my ex so much I just want my family. 

I feel like my life has gone to **** so much I have lost my job because my ex harassing me and being so depressed had to move from my home going to court for custody. And still I just miss my family I feel like life is ****ty and short I want to spend it together with my family he was most of my first for everything taught me how to drive get my license our first home have a baby getting engaged I know I ****ed up in there in the begging when we were young and stupid. 

I just wish we could work on things and loved each other enough to mend I feel like he wanted to leave he likes all these younger girls and partying and hanging out with all them and adding them all on his stuff and flirting it makes me feel like there was a part in there that maybe wanted to leave in the first place he gets to be his flirty self and do whatever I hate that feeling. I wish I knew and could get myself to get up and move forward. 


I miss my life and family it's what I lived for for pretty much my whole life now and I can't start new with someone else.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is a sad situation.

Are you receiving counselling?

If your ex is still harassing you this needs to be stopped legally. 

Thanks for the update. Do keep us informed, please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Isla Cruces said:


> I talked to him about it. The problem is that he has a very good job and it's about to be one running the company and makes really good money. I tell him money isn't everything I also have a very well paying job so. It's hard to make that big of change to me it is worth it. He feels like he doesn't know where to go.


So he should give up a good job for a cheater? 

LMAO.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

No I'm not I'm just trying to work through it I am passed being sad all the time but I still have my sad days. 

And no I don't expect him to give up his good job it was something we both wanted to do before all this just last year we wanted to get married and move out of our super small crap town. 

I know I done my wrong he hasn't been the greatest ever it just bothers me the most that it was so many years ago and he knows he did his wrong then too and we grew and become the happiest we had ever been over the last 5 years so for him to just be like meh and don't care to have our family devistates me. 


I loved him he truly was my best friend and I lived for him and my son.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Let him go and focus on your child. You need to steer clear of any relationships until you get some counseling.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Does your best friend know you still have feelings for your ex?


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

So for 6 years you didn't disclose your affair???? I found your post hard to read, after about 5 sentences I gave up. I can't be 100% sure, but you may be crucified here.... cheating is a big deal. If you're not happy just LEAVE and save the heartache the other person has to absorb due to unfaithful choices.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Get into therapy so you can be a decent role model for your son.

BTw, you did not cheat and he did not cheat. When you separated from him, responsibilities end there. Was it intelligent, not really,.

You both need growing up and he is abusive, and you do not own him, he is free to sleep with whomever he wants just like you are free to do the same. What he showed is an unhealthy level of possessiveness.

If he did not want to get dumped in the first place, he should have not neglected his family, thinking they will always be around while he lives the majority of his life not being involved.

BTW, if you do not want your child to end up like either of you, one an abusive, vindictive monster, the other a crying mess, you best work on yourself before more of you and your ex imprinting can turn your child into either of you two.

Do you love your son enough to want him to grow up mentally healthy, then stop obsessing over your ex.

Why do you love someone like that, and you are suffering oneitis, where you idealized his good qualities or what you find attractive about him, but fail to see him as an immature, mentally disturbed individual.

When do we have the right to own another person, especially when one or both decide to leave a relationship, is it considered cheating? Does he own and possess you?

Seriously, you left him because of his neglect and he decided that you cheated on him when you were no longer participating in the relationship. When did relationship participation stop being a choice that a person is free to enter and leave.

Just like when he left, and slept with others, you felt like he was cheating on you, but he was not, he left and is free to choose to have relationship with others, what is so different beside him using other people as revenge and tools for his own ends.

Seriously though, I am worried about your child, if you two cannot be great role models, show him what a mature response is to adversity, is there someone else that can raise him?

Do you want your son to be a mature individual, whom will not let others ruin him emotionally and mentally, then the two of you are obstacles in that development.

Your ex is disturbed, using others as tools, punishing you when it is healthier to leave, abusing you and making your life hell.

If someone treated your child in the same way, you would want to protect him from such a person like your ex, and wonder why he could love such a person.

That is why you need therapy.

Your ex is possessive to a very unhealthy degree, and you may be addicted to the drama. You are obsessing over the past, when he tried making things up to you for his neglect, but under that, he has not really changed much, he is showing another side of himself.

He neglects you and thinks after you left, that he has a right to say when you two are together still or not. Think about it, when you left him, he felt like he still possessed you.

So, work on fixing your life and ignore what he is doing. It is over and if he keeps harassing you, call the police. You are not helping him change if he fails to meet any consequences. Like playing with fire, it would be a lesson if he gets burned.

If you cannot do any of this, protect your child, even if it is from him and yourself. Would you be proud if he turned out like you or his father. Would you be proud if your son is stalking, harassing, and using others for his own ends. Do you want your son to be weak-willed like yourself, unable to break away from someone whom mistreats him like your ex? If you anser yes, to either, I seriously hope someone removes your child from the two of you and can teach them what being an adult and a caring individual is all about. If someone hurts him, he detaches instead of what the two of you are doing, that is a healthy response.

If my gf broke up with me and slept with others and we got back together, I would not call her a cheater, that relationship ended and she is free to have other relationships. I do not own her, she chooses whom she wants to be in a relationship with at any time. However, when we are together, I have parameters that I stand by, if she crosses, like cheating while we are a couple, then I would leave her not as a punishment, but to protect myself from her and her choices.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Move on. The relationship is over.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

I understand everyone's comments I really do but one thing I can't stand is when it comes to our son. I am an amazing mother my son is my number one and he is to him too. Everything that goes on my son does not see he is fine and happy it is tough and different for him but he handles the separation well. 

I would never put my kid in the drama he sees us nice together and everything else there is no negative so don't even come in when it has to do with my son. 

As for the rest I know it sounds like our relationship was **** to you guys but that was our only rough patch until this now he has always been the best to me he tried he was there for me spoiled me loves me and I him he worked on us and we're truly happy. 

And yes my guy friend best friend does know that I feel the way I do this is the first year with out my family for holidays and everything else I'm trying to deal and take it all in and I'm. It crying all the time and a mess. I'm just stating that's how I feel I miss my family. And I'm not sure how to deal with it all. And trust my if I could pay for counseling I would go but I can't. 

I came here for in hope that someone has been where I am and can tell my how they dealt with it. I'm going day by day and my ex and I are fine we talk like friends just plan and normal about our son he sends me pictures of things they do. The fights are finally calming. 

I wanna be able to move forward and just be happy and feel like me again.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You are not being fair to your "guy friend". Let him go. Go for a while just being by yourself. Your problem is you literally cannot exist without a man in your life. You are a mess.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

Ya you are probably right 10 years with someone and then not having them is very hard for me I never saw my future with out my ex and my family together meant something to me. I can't let it go idk why. 

I don't want some girl there with my kid all these things we ever talked about together seems like **** like nothing ever mattered I feel like **** about myself I feel like he is so sexy and all these super cute *****es out there why would he not choose it everything hurts my feelings anymore. I hate it.

And I would like my friend more I could see us being good together be he is in no better place then me. He clings to me too much I feel like I can't even go home and do laundry and clean or it's a fight I don't like that. So your right I need to get away from all of it bet the **** part of it is that I can't I can't take my son coming home and telling me about my ex's new little girlfriend and them doing stuff all together with out having someone there with me. I know it's not right. But it makes it easier to let go. 

I have already told this guy how I feel and what I'm going through and he still wants to be there and really I can't get rid of him anyways cause he will just call a million times. I got myself in a bad situation I should have healed.


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

Isla Cruces said:


> This new guy is really ok he is my best friend really but I can't seem to feel the same as I did with my ex



This methadone stuff is ok but I really miss how heroin made me feel.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I just don't see how you can be wanting to show your ex-fiancee that you want to salvage the relationship when you are banging a guy on the side...and a guy who you don't even love or will ever love.... I just don't get how you think that is showing your ex that you want to become a safer person for him to want to return to.


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## Isla Cruces (May 20, 2015)

Me either. And it not that I don't love this guy I do have love for him it's just not the same as my family love. I'm broken I think idk maybe there is something wrong with me.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Isla Cruces said:


> Me either. And it not that I don't love this guy I do have love for him it's just not the same as my family love. I'm broken I think idk maybe there is something wrong with me.



Get into therapy and seek help. You are codependent on him. You both need growing up.

Since you are a parent, aim to be what you want in a parent. You do not have to be perfect.

He is toxic to you, distance yorself from him. Learn to accept that he is highly vindictive, possessive to a very unhealthy degree, and quite abusive.

You are latching onto people to complete you when you should be complete and find partners complimentary to yourself.

You should now focus on yourself and your child. Relationships would be just distractions that keep you from growing and healing. They take away time and energy that can be placed into yourself and your child.

Don't let your ex rule your life. You are seeing the type of person he is, someone who you do not want your son to become like.

With your ex, you keep focusing on the good and hoping just to get that. You have to accept the bad and realize that the bad far outweigh the good. When a relationship is overall detrimental to you, then it is unhealthy whether there is good in it or not.

I always say, if someone punches you for every five gifts they give you, the punches outweigh the gifts.

First, find a good support group for yourself like friends and family. With friends, find someone who will not be romantically inclined towards you. You do not have the mental capacity at the moment to deal with the stress of a relationship.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> I just don't see how you can be wanting to show your ex-fiancee that you want to salvage the relationship when you are banging a guy on the side...and a guy who you don't even love or will ever love.... I just don't get how you think that is showing your ex that you want to become a safer person for him to want to return to.



I would suggest to her to run away from her ex. He is using others to torment her. He is highly unstable and is acting highly dangerous. he is possessive to an unhealthy degree, and quite obsessive of settling some score by going overboard.

I would not recommend her work on any relationship, nor return to someone like that, but just herself.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Isla Cruces said:


> Me either. And it not that I don't love this guy I do have love for him it's just not the same as my family love. I'm broken I think idk maybe there is something wrong with me.


Then you are using him and stringing him along. He's competing against a memory. That is pretty cruel.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I just don't see how you can be wanting to show your ex-fiancee that you want to salvage the relationship when you are banging a guy on the side...and a guy who you don't even love or will ever love.... I just don't get how you think that is showing your ex that you want to become a safer person for him to want to return to.


I absolutely agree with the above. Banging some other dude on the side only shows your ex that he needs to be away from you and not with you in a realtionship.


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