# Settle this!!



## Snowowl16 (Mar 5, 2015)

I need some refereeing on a situation that keeps coming up in our life involving my perception of my husband being selfish/disrespectful and his perception that I am absolutely crazy. 

Scene: We are winding down the work day (we work together) and it is time to go home. We have an hour before church begins. Husband says I should go home to feed the pets and he will just come pick me up right before church in an hour. I say well I need to go to Walmart to get an important prescription that just was called in for my surgical procedure that will be scheduled in the next few days and we sooo need peanut butter. He says no you don't have time you will have to do it another time, you need to go home for the pets. (I think: Okay it will be closed after church so I guess I will now have to get up an hour earlier tomorrow to allow time to get the medicine before work, which is annoying but manageable I guess. And it is important to let the dogs out before church). So I go home and he comes and picks me up an hour later. We go to church and when we get home we are getting our stuff out of the car and he grabs a Walmart bag out of the backseat. 

Me: "Oh, when did you go to Walmart?" 
Husband: "After work before I picked you up for church!" 
Me: "Awesome so you got my prescription and the peanut butter. Thank you so much!"
Husband: "No, I got the orange juice that I needed."
Me: "Excuse me what?"

Thus, begins a heated discussion about how he only had time for his orange juice and I am aghast at this because I would never in a million years do something like that. I have never gone to a store and just got my stuff and left his stuff for him. In my opinion who would be so rude to do that? Furthermore, these meds that need to be taken at a specific time for a procedure are WAY more important than orange juice. And that's not my opinion that is a simple fact. He thinks I am crazy and I think he was being selfish. This happens every week with something. I truly have tried to see this from any other angle and just can't because I always consider him in everything I do. He just flat out doesn't and thinks I'm crazy because this situation hurts me feelings. Am I being out of line for being hurt by this?

Help us figure this stupid situation out!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are married. You are supposed to be a team. 

Teams work together to split the work. He should have gotten your prescription and the peanut butter. 

Or he could have gone home to take care of the dogs and you could have gone to Walmart for your stuff and his orange juice.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You are absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, CORRECT on this issue.

His behavior is selfish to say the least, extremely inconsiderate, and frankly it seems passive aggressive.

I hope you will read him some of the responses on this thread because its going to heavily in your favor 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No you are not absolutely crazy. The fact that he is reacting as though you are is a huge red flag and very disrespectful. 

You gave one example. What are some more examples?



.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You are married. You are supposed to be a team.
> 
> Team work together to split the work. He should have gotten your prescription and the peanut butter.
> 
> Or he could have gone home to take care of the dogs and you could have gone to Walmart for his stuff and his orange juice.


OP - Ele just gave you the definitive answer.

Case closed....


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Snowowl16 said:


> I need some refereeing on a situation that keeps coming up in our life involving my perception of my husband being selfish/disrespectful and his perception that I am absolutely crazy.
> 
> Scene: We are winding down the work day (we work together) and it is time to go home. We have an hour before church begins. Husband says I should go home to feed the pets and he will just come pick me up right before church in an hour. I say well I need to go to Walmart to get an important prescription that just was called in for my surgical procedure that will be scheduled in the next few days and we sooo need peanut butter. He says no you don't have time you will have to do it another time, you need to go home for the pets. (I think: Okay it will be closed after church so I guess I will now have to get up an hour earlier tomorrow to allow time to get the medicine before work, which is annoying but manageable I guess. And it is important to let the dogs out before church). So I go home and he comes and picks me up an hour later. We go to church and when we get home we are getting our stuff out of the car and he grabs a Walmart bag out of the backseat.
> 
> ...


Wow. What a douche.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

Sad! I bet if you said you needed KY Jelly he would have gotten it with a quickness!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Happy as a clam hit the nail on the head: he's passive-aggressive!

He's angry with you about something, but won't address it; he just does little crappy things to needle you instead of clearing the air.

Counseling would be helpful; if he won't go with you, go alone.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Selfish and controlling people always fall back on gaslighting. He's an inconsiderate jerk, who refuses to be wrong, so he had to make YOU the person in the wrong to assuage his own guilt. Narcissists are great at gaslighting and if this happens often as you say, you are married to a narcissistic man, which means you will NEVER, EVER be right about anything. You can repeat his exact same words from the day before, and he will still make sure you are wrong.

Read up on narcissists and narcissism so you know what you're dealing with. You will find that his controlling and INCREDIBLY inconsiderate behavior are also traits of a narcissist. He's controlling, and what I don't understand in the first place is why you did as you were told. You needed your medicine. Why wasn't that more important to you. Why couldn't HE go and feed the pets? If he had time to go to Walmart, then he had time to run home and feed the pets. Instead, he told you to do it, and you did it. WHY??? Why didn't you first make sure it wasn't possible for him to do it? Why didn't you make your medication more important? In other words, why didn't you protest his command? You are not his child. He is not your father. You should have told him, "We will have to work this out some other way because I am going to Walmart before church." You could even have been late for church for that matter because, again, your medicine was more important. You keep tell US how important your medicine is, so why wasn't it more important to YOU?

I am asking because narcissists feed on people like you. In this case, narcissistic men enjoy controlling and belittling women like you. And he will for as long as you allow him. In other words, for as long as you are married to him because there's no point in resisting or disobeying. He will then begin to get mean and eventually violent.

Know that this is not you. You are not crazy as he keeps trying to make you think, and you are not wrong. He will never change though, so you might as well prepare yourself for a life of his selfish and controlling behavior for as long as you are married to him. I hope you get fed up with him very soon. You have to understand he is never going to change. He might make promises to change, but he'll turn back into himself after about 3 weeks.

Had my husband one this crap to me? He would be my ex husband the very next day. And I meant that, I assure you, because I've done it before.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

CarlaRose said:


> *Selfish and controlling people always fall back on gaslighting*. He's an inconsiderate jerk, who refuses to be wrong, so he had to make YOU the person in the wrong to assuage his own guilt. Narcissists are great at gaslighting and if this happens often as you say, you are married to a narcissistic man, which means you will NEVER, EVER be right about anything. You can repeat his exact same words from the day before, and he will still make sure you are wrong.
> 
> Read up on narcissists and narcissism so you know what you're dealing with. You will find that his controlling and INCREDIBLY inconsiderate behavior are also traits of a narcissist. He's controlling, and what I don't understand in the first place is why you did as you were told. You needed your medicine. Why wasn't that more important to you. Why couldn't HE go and feed the pets? If he had time to go to Walmart, then he had time to run home and feed the pets. Instead, he told you to do it, and you did it. WHY??? Why didn't you first make sure it wasn't possible for him to do it? Why didn't you make your medication more important? In other words, why didn't you protest his command? You are not his child. He is not your father. You should have told him, "We will have to work this out some other way because I am going to Walmart before church." You could even have been late for church for that matter because, again, your medicine was more important. You keep tell US how important your medicine is, so why wasn't it more important to YOU?
> 
> ...


Other than with my IC, this is the first time I've seen gaslighting used.

SPOT ON, Carla.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your husband is an ass.

And church is not more important than your prescription or the rest you need after work. 

My ultimate verdict? Drop both the church and the husband. Keep the dogs


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

selfish inconsiderate pig!


how in the world can a spouse do this? its so blatant that its sick. he is not someone who has your back and cares for you.

I feel sorry for you.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

synthetic said:


> My ultimate verdict? Drop both the church and the husband. Keep the dogs


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

All of the above.

Seldom are the TAM 'referrees' so unanimous.

The only thing wrong with your perception was the niggling doubt that it might be flawed. It ain't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I agree with everyone else, based on the information provided, but whenever the forum is asked to settle a dispute I'd always prefer to hear both sides.

Is your husband willing to post here?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I pride myself in seeing things from many angles.

That being said...I am having a really tough time seeing this as anything other than being extremely self centered.

I also agree with GTdad...I would like to hear his side of the story.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

To play Devils Advocate, If I had a one hour window, I wouldn't stop at wal*mart. I can't get in and out of that store in that time. 
MN

I could see not wanting to wait for the pharmacy, but you can't pick up orange juice without going right by the peanut butter.

Of course the answer to this is to take a 2 hour break the next morning to pick up the prescription.
MN


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Everyone is dead on. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt until I heard he had gone to get something HE wanted but something you NEEDED wasn't as important. And if this was a one-time thing where he was just thoughtless, not a huge deal, but you said this happens all of the time.

Those certainly are traits of a narcissist although without the whole picture (and not being a professional) I couldn't say he is although it seems he has some selfish tendencies by being so dismissive.

I would ask him if there was a reason his need for OJ usurped your need for medication. (And if it was already called in there wouldn't be a wait.) If he doesn't seem to understand why this is so offensive to you, I would ask him to see a counselor with you.


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## octaviaa (Mar 3, 2015)

I would say Yes he is inconsiderate, and a bit selfish. I do agree with Carla Rose though that you didn't have to agree with his logic. You can't technically get mad at him for choosing to be at home for an hour with the dogs. I suppose I don't know the logistics of your work in comparison to your home and Walmart. An hour in my mind seems like plenty of time to have the ability to pick up a prescription, and to let the dogs out.

I'm coming from a place of understanding of your situation. I've had to deal with the same issue with my husband. Stand up for yourself, and be a strong woman. He will get over it. You don't have to become selfish (it's not in your nature), you just can't allow yourself to be a door mat.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

GTdad said:


> I agree with everyone else, based on the information provided, but whenever the forum is asked to settle a dispute I'd always prefer to hear both sides.
> 
> Is your husband willing to post here?


I'd really like to hear the husband explain his reasoning.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Maybe her dogs ate his cat.

It still wouldn't excuse his behaviour, whatever his self-awarded justification.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

The court will now come to order.

Has the jury reached a verdict?

We have, your honor.

On the charge of being a self-centered a-hole, we, the jury of TAM find OP's H to be guilty.

On the charge of being totally inconsiderate, we, the jury of TAM find OP's H to be guilty.

On the charge of shopping at Walmart to begin with, we, the jury of TAM are deadlocked.....


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

lonelyhusband321 said:


> The court will now come to order.
> 
> Has the jury reached a verdict?
> 
> We have, your honor.


The defendant has not been given the opportunity to raise a defense. Not sure what country your court is held but I don't think there's a place anywhere in the world where a defendant can be found guilty without having the opportunity to represent themselves and tell their side of the story.

Maybe he was left with the impression that it was not a problem for her to pick up her medication on the way to work in the morning, and maybe he didn't want to get peanut butter because it's fattening and his wife eats way too much of it and he didn't want to contribute to her poor diet. 

This is what we need to do when there are gaps to fill in a story.


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