# wife's 'past' connections



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

not exactly an infidelity issue this but connections are there as it applies to OM and ex families.

Had about 3 months since D day and have had time to reflect upon some things in my stbxm. I have taken some time and thought over different aspects of our marriage and her 'past' connections was one of them and I realized it was a not small factor in destabilizing us

One aspect I have dwelt upon in recent days has been my W connections with the past and her resolve to never let them go

In my old initial thread one of the main features was that stbxw has a mix of mental issues / disorders.

Just briefly she was with someone before me for a few years, finished with him but got on fantastically with his parents. At various points she would meet with the ex under conditions I was in control of and still correspond and meet with his parents saying "they were the parents I should have had" My own family have been a proper family to her but her own have been dire. She's always clung on to this third 'family'. She never had kids with this guy and so there are no grandkids for them to see or enjoy.

With first infidelity 6 years ago, which was brief, she, for work reasons, needed to be in contact with him until the present day! I was always unhappy with this and it undermined us but she was insistent. He then became a very close friend. 
This was my first mistake and should have simply brought the axe down there and then ( I know I know) although the work situation did in fact need her to deal with him she should of course have simply binned it

The next one 5 years ago was a friend of mine and so her contact with him was beyond her control and so there was none 

The next one Dec 2011 finished and although we got R again against my wishes she kept in basic contact birthdays etc 

Again we R until the latest OM in March again a work related thing which has finished us. 

Now through all this she has got stronger and stronger ties with the first ex's parents and at times has suggested they to be grand parent figures for our two children.

This has always angered me and I always opposed it saying our kids had my family who were ever present and great grand parents and although her own were just horrible people to her her father loves our kids. So our kids have in my opinion enough two natural grand parents

My stbxw is now seeing them more because she can, starting even more stronger ties with these extra grandparents

Personally this has struck me as being complete bollocks and indicative of her many disorder esteem abandonment issues 

Anyone have any experience of this and maybe any thoughts on this ?

I think it's weird behavior (typical of mw) but maybe I'm wrong. 
Meeting great people through in laws is common and breaking the ties is never easy but breaking the ties is surely the right thing to do yes? and obviously the ties with all the OM should have finished instantly but she seems incapable of letting past connections go. In respect of the first ex's parents seeing as there are no kids involved is this not wrong? Seems mad to me

I've realized this is at the root of her pissy disappointment about my now ever present anger. I don't talk to her at all unless its kids only. My family have kicked her completely into touch and although she has tried to keep communication with a very close relative even now that has been ended. She is clearly angry because for the first time she realizes this is one whole set of communications that will never be like all the others ie a complete break anything connected with me will be non linked 

Why is this keeping connections with past peripheral ex's family members and OM so important to her?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm going to wonder out loud here - is there a possibility that these extended grandparents are the real grand parents?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

She's your ex, shouldn't matter what she does anymore unless it affects your kids. If your kids are doing fine and have no issues with her ex-bf's parents around then what she does is her business now.

Move on with your life and put her in your past.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I'm going to wonder out loud here - is there a possibility that these extended grandparents are the real grand parents?



No cant be, my kids are 8 and 9 she finished with him a year before we met ( 5 years before my children were born) and because of his religious beliefs about no sex until married. (Which he still practices)

No in his case he was an ex proper not 'OM' but of course her 'ongoing' relationship was with his parents.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> She's your ex, shouldn't matter what she does anymore unless it affects your kids. If your kids are doing fine and have no issues with her ex-bf's parents around then what she does is her business now.
> 
> Move on with your life and put her in your past.


But these people are not my kids grandparents they are parents of an ex from nearly twenty years ago and becasue of her feeelings about them being great 'in law parents' she wants to make them grand parent figures in my kids lives . They already have two sets of Grandparents which I feel is enough

So it does affect my kids. I feel its confusing for them and something has always told me its not right and healthy


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I guess you are trying to get some closure. Understood. She was a serial cheater with no boundaries as it pertained to the opposite sex.

Her affairs are totally on her. That said, you allowed / enabled her behavior. You were ok with things you should not have been ok with. Again not blaming you but you did not do enough with this woman to protect yourself and your marriage. She may very well have just been a person who was going to cheat.

However, after getting yourself back on track, I suggest before you get into another relationship you find where your boundaries are. No your next partner should not suffer for the sins of the last one, but learn from this anyway. 

First way to do this is be more selective about the person you commit to. Make sure your ideas of fidelity are compatible. I suggest you avoid women who tend to hang on to long time EXs and male friends in general when they are in a commited relationship. Before getting serious with anyone establish the boundaries that will nurture the relationship. Don't be ok with imporper bopundaries. There is a world full of women out there. You do not have to settle.

So yeah I think you are ok to do a little analyzing of what were the root causes of your last relationships issues. But once you have figured them all out. move ahead and be determined that your next relationship is not going to suffer from this same stuff.

I do think it odd that includes the EXs parents.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I guess you are trying to get some closure. Understood. She was a serial cheater with no boundaries as it pertained to the opposite sex.
> 
> Her affairs are totally on her. That said, you allowed / enabled her behavior. You were ok with things you should not have been ok with. Again not blaming you but you did not do enough with this woman to protect yourself and your marriage. She may very well have just been a person who was going to cheat.
> 
> ...


There's some good advice there E3

Well counseling I have undertaken is kinda dealing with these issues - the why do I choose a particular type of woman? (victims) why did I not have more stringent boundaries about what I would accept. All good questions.

Just with this specific thing it only recently hit me just how kind of all encompassing it was and how it was a major part of her personality - the need to hang on to them all and then I started to think this parent / grandparent thing was very weird indeed. Wanted to know if I was alone in this.

I do accept my naivity though now, even at my age, 57, has got me into trouble. 
I have always trusted from the outset and felt that some things simply never have to be said or put down in stone, that love was enough to transmit things like 'do not commit adultery on me' etc etc. I now realize I will have to sit down with a woman and say right from the off 'if for one moment I even sniff any of this we're done'

Its quite scary for me to feel I actually will have to say that to a woman I want to be committed to in the future

Will be new territory for me


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Elucidate please


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Any more feedback would be appreciated 

In your past relationships have any of you kept in contact with the ex's parents sisters brothers? etc even if your current spouse was 'uncomfortable with this even thought the relationship may be with honest good people?

Does your wife / hus keep contact with the parents of his her exe / exes? and are you comfortable with this because even though it may be a decent good relationship it still keeps that contact going with the main focus of one's inner objection - an ex who may threaten this current relationship 

I know if there are kids from the original relationship that's more an understandable 'keep in contact' scenario

But what about if there are no kids involved?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

No, it's not normal.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Alright, up to me to play the prick part... From your text i lost count on how many times she cheated on you that *you're aware off*. Now, with this behavior ongoing for years how can you be so sure about the paternity of the kids you're raising as your own? Did you have them tested?

Shaggy was too candid in his jab, so i brought a hammer to it... Sorry if it hurts you, but it would explain A LOT...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I wouldn't agree with my partner staying n contact with any family member of his ex along with his ex, unless there were children involved. and even then, I would evaluate the necessity of this connection.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It sounds to me like your stbx simply wants to avoid the consequences of her actions. Normal people understand that ending a relationship means cutting the ties to that relationship. Some of those ties may be unpleasant to cut.

A person who refuses to accept the consequences of her actions will simply refuse to cut those ties. Problem solved. That's the same reason she wants to be friendly with your family. Just because she cheated on you many times doesn't mean she's a bad wife or a bad person. She's just someone who should never deny herself anything that she wants. And everyone should acknowledge that and make peace with it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Headspin said:


> No cant be, my kids are 8 and 9 she finished with him a year before we met ( 5 years before my children were born) and because of his religious beliefs about no sex until married. (Which he still practices)
> 
> No in his case he was an ex proper not 'OM' but of course her 'ongoing' relationship was with his parents.


You seem absolutely sure that she was done with him years ago. Exactly how do you know this? Have you verified this? 

You need to understand that we've read about this type of situation in this forum before. The WW feels that the ex bf is the one that got away, that she really loves him, but married the BH (you) for other reasons, mainly you were more stable financially. That the EXBF has always been there in her heart emotionally. 

In addition, she has cheated on you multiple times during the years, like Costa said...that you know of. How many other possible affairs have you not discovered yet? You never described how you discovered here cheating. 

If I were to guess, your whole marriage has been a lie, she was never faithful to you emotionally and has cheated on you repeatedly, because each time you took her back. She never learned any consequences from you. Because she never learned any consequences from you, she never had to change.

With all that in mind, how do you know she hasn't been with this EX BF (OM) recently? Have you ever verified or investigated anything? Or have you simply taken her word for it. If you've simply taken her word for it, then you really need to re-examine the history of your marriage. Cheaters lie. There is absolutely no doubt about that. And your WW is a serial cheater, so logically, you know what that means.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Headspin said:


> not exactly an infidelity issue this but connections are there as it applies to OM and ex families.
> 
> Had about 3 months since D day and have had time to reflect upon some things in my stbxm. I have taken some time and thought over different aspects of our marriage and her 'past' connections was one of them and I realized it was a not small factor in destabilizing us
> 
> ...


Man does this hit home, although not in as extreme a situation.

My W really attached herself to her ex's parents, and really, to any friends' parents who show a fondness toward her.

She seriously dated a guy for 3 years in college - ended it about a year before we began dating. She loved his family so much, kept in contact with them, etc. She even went out to lunch with his mother every so often. Now, she had no feelings left for her ex, it was just his family. It drove me nuts. Eventually, the ex's mom cut off the visits because it was bothering the ex (he still carried a torch, but she didn't).

She also has this fondness for the OM's family (my wife had an EA about 15 months ago), as she knew them for a long time, and of course, they all adored her, and I'm sure wished she wasn't married so the OM could be with her. But I'm putting words in their mouths. 

She still insists we sent the OM's parents Christmas cards each year, even after the EA "because they have nothing to do with all of that". She doesn't ask to visit them, just send the card.

This is totally because 1) she had and still has, a terrible relationship with her parents (rightfully so), and 2) she only sort of gets along with my parents (and they live 2000 miles away). Mostly, it's #1. 

She had such a lack of love from them, that she sought it from any parental units she could find. This sounds just like what happened with your wife. But having one of her OM's parents be active in your childrens' lives is very, very wrong. My wife's OM's family has never met my kids.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

I just started reading this post today. Just before I got to the post where it was stated about the OM being the dad I was seeing all the red flags warning about the WW insisting to keep the OM parents in volved as GP's.

Time for a DNA paternity test is now.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> You seem absolutely sure that she was done with him years ago. Exactly how do you know this? Have you verified this?
> 
> You need to understand that we've read about this type of situation in this forum before. The WW feels that the ex bf is the one that got away, that she really loves him, but married the BH (you) for other reasons, mainly you were more stable financially. That the EXBF has always been there in her heart emotionally.
> 
> ...


Absolute fair points

However the paternity stuff is not relevant in this instance

She met and dated the original bf in 1991 until 1995 when it finished
It was based on a common religious connection between them which was strongly no sex until married 
it was fine for two years until she wanted sex and hung on for two years hoping that would happen but his stronger religious beliefs stopped that
The whole family being devout in this way - no sex until marriage
All older friends corroborate this.
He eventually did ask her to marry him but she'd had enough of him anyway by then and turned him down.
I met my wife in Jan 1997. Over the years I have met him and the news is that 
he is still unmarried and is still a virgin
During that time however stbxw forged a strong bond with this parents writing once a year. 
Three years ago suddenly she started actually meeting them once a year and met ex boyfriend maybe once every two years 
at a meeting of older mutual friends he was in that group with 

As for my kids if you saw them you'd see in about half a second they could come from nobody else but me. Its pretty clear

I see the concerns but really guys in this instance it's not a worry for me.

Also LordMay he's not the one who got away - in the end she turned him down marriage offer and all.

The latter part of my marriage ( last 7/8 years ) was absolutely a lie but not, I don't think, the first 5 years 
She became a serial cheater

This was about finding if any other posters had a similar experience in terms of a spouse having a strong connection with old ex bf's family where no kids were involved and if that was in any way a regular or normal thing which it seems it is not but thanks for the input anyway


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Man does this hit home, although not in as extreme a situation.
> 
> My W really attached herself to her ex's parents, and really, to any friends' parents who show a fondness toward her.
> 
> ...


Like my wife the similarities are stark especially the lack of a real natural parent couple for her. Her parents are complete scumbags to her. In our marriage my parents have been fantastic for her but she has nevertheless pursued this weird thing with the parents from her first relationship from over 20 years ago. And yes there is no child grand connection 
which makes it even more odd.

I spose ultimately its exhibits a lack of boundaries once again from my stbxw, as well as the serial infidelities of the past 6/7 years this is another example of not understanding how we as people in the modern 'marriage environment' work.

The presence of kids is everything in this because had there been children involved it would be different and a much stronger tie to break, if at all

Sadly I cant do anything about this - they are not the grandparents of my childredn and I do not want my children having any connection but my stbxw is determined to make it happen I think.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Forgive my ignorance - I find your post a bit confusing.

So....your children's mother wants her ex bf's parents to be faux-grandparents to your children?

If I have this right then oh Hell no! I would not let those STRANGERS near my children & would take legal action.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Headspin said:


> I met my wife in Jan 1997. Over the years I have met him and the news is that he is still unmarried and is still a virgin


How did you come by this information? Through various sources or your WW?



Headspin said:


> During that time however stbxw forged a strong bond with this parents writing once a year. Three years ago suddenly s*he started actually meeting them once a year* and met ex boyfriend maybe *once every two* years
> at a meeting of older mutual friends he was in that group with


Now this part does not make any logical sense. She was able to form such a strong bond with this guy's parents from *writing a letter ONCE A YEAR?* Seriously? I bet she's met your parents more often than that and she hasn't bonded with them. This make very very little sense. And then three years ago, she meets them once a year and now she wants them to be the grandparents to your children? Again, this makes no logical sense.

How do you form such a strong emotional bond with some people you *write or meet once a year?* And she ALLEGEDLY meets this OM *once every two years*. 

This my friend is called *Trickle Truth*. Really.



Headspin said:


> Also LordMay he's not the one who got away - in the end she turned him down marriage offer and all.


Sorry to tell you this, but it doesn't matter if she turned him down, he's still the one who got away. The great white buffalo. My own fWW broke off contact with her ex boyfriend many years ago, yet I read in her emails/PMs about how she regretted what she did and how she loves him so much. 



Headspin said:


> The latter part of my marriage ( last 7/8 years ) was absolutely a lie but not, I don't think, the first 5 years
> She became a serial cheater


If you say so, but the fact remains, the last 7-8 years of your marriage has been a lie and she's still a serial cheater. What do you plan to do about it?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> How did you come by this information? Through various sources or your WW?
> 
> Now this part does not make any logical sense. She was able to form such a strong bond with this guy's parents from *writing a letter ONCE A YEAR?* Seriously? I bet she's met your parents more often than that and she hasn't bonded with them. This make very very little sense. And then three years ago, she meets them once a year and now she wants them to be the grandparents to your children? Again, this makes no logical sense.
> 
> ...


Other sources not just my wife

In respect of "logical sense" you're correct but I don't know if you recall my original posts http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/46264-headspinning.htmlhttp://
about it she has some quite severe personality disorder issues so a lot about her and her decision making has no logical sense

Her bond with these parents of ex was strong she was with him of 4 /5 years and there would have been nothing wrong with that at that time but later of course during our marriage she maintained it although was very aware of my feelings so kept it at a bare minimum until the last couple of years really

Disagree about her regret and white buffalo about the original ex. She had an opportunity to marry him but actually fell out of love with him for more reasons than just not having sex before marriage etc

Trust me Ive learned about trickle truth to the enth degree. This was all in the years before she 'discovered' herself in respect of being able to attract a man.

What do I plan to do about it ? We'll be getting divorced

I'd say it will be next year that that is a reality

In respect of the fatherhood issues you raise I'm happy with how that is.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Emerald said:


> Forgive my ignorance - I find your post a bit confusing.
> 
> So....your children's mother wants her ex bf's parents to be faux-grandparents to your children?
> 
> If I have this right then oh Hell no! I would not let those STRANGERS near my children & would take legal action.


I agree that it's strange. But, after the divorce, the OP will have no input on who his ex exposes his children to. Even before the divorce, he won't have much input. And the courts probably won't get involved unless he can prove that these people are dangerous. Just saying that it's weird isn't a legal argument.


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