# is cybersex the same as cheating?



## blu sky

I found out my husband was having cybersex, was really upset and couldn't understand why he would do that. I felt it was the same as cheating. He said it was nothing and he was just exploring because he says I’m too prudish. He admitted he would like me to talk 'dirty' and do raunchy things. He felt he couldn’t ask me or talk to me about it because he didn't think I would be interested so he ended up chatting online which led to cybersex. He said he's really sorry and doesn't want to loose me and it won't happen again but I just need to understand what he wants. 
I'm not sure I can trust him. I know it was online and not the same as an actual affair but its still like cheating and I don't know if I can trust him in the same way.
I do still love him and I agree that I can be a little prudish but I feel he should have talked to me about how he felt. I’m confused about what to do. Please advise.


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## PBear

As a guy who's been there, done that, yes, it's cheating. He's getting his intimacy needs met by someone other than his spouse, and investing his time, energy, and emotions in a relationship outside the marriage.

He needs to understand why he did that, so the two of you can make sure it doesn't happen again.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSP

If he's justifying his actions, he's probably not fully sorry. But if he is, it wouldn't be a bad thing to have a chat where he tells you what he would like sexually. Maybe try something new. 

BTW, it's really easy for chatting online to drift into cybering. The boundaries are not as easy to feel as when you're flirting face to face. I'm not excusing what he did, though. If he can't see the boundaries they need to be further back. I.e., not chatting to women at all.


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## blu sky

thank you for reassuring me that it is cheating and i'm not blowing it out of proportion.
We have talked things through and he knows he was wrong. 
we want to work things out but any ideas on how to build the trust again?


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## jourdepaye

blu sky said:


> thank you for reassuring me that it is cheating and i'm not blowing it out of proportion.
> We have talked things through and he knows he was wrong.
> we want to work things out but any ideas on how to build the trust again?


Hi blu sky,

I will be watching this thread because that's where I'm at now, too. I've got to learn to trust my husband who has promised to stop his internet sexual activities. We are going to try to rebuild the trust and honesty. It's going to be hard: I have to trust that he will stop - he has to trust that I won't invade his privacy by snooping through his credit card bills.

I'm finding the most important tool is communication....we have to keep talking


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

myself, i even consider porn cheating to a degree, so live cyber-sex?
absolutely.


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## Jellybeans

Yes it's cheating. If you were getting off w/ someone else it would be cheating too.


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## that_girl

To build trust, it just takes time. And maybe no computer for a while. I dunno.


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## sigma1299

I'm like PBear. Been there done that, and yes, it's most definitely cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GAsoccerman

I'm sorry but I find it awful that people just have a "black/white?" version of cheating, that cybersex and porn is cheating.....bam tey are like that's it, end the mariage, I don't like it, it's cheating.

Blu Sky my question is, has he done anything Physical? 

If not, then let's see if we can "fix things"

Did you ever see the movie Grease? where ONJ was a "good girl" and turned into a "bad girl" but not really to get her man back?

Have you ever sent your husband a "dirty text message" or a "naughty picture of yourself" or a tempting picture of yourself to his cell phone unexpected? like a naughty pic stating...."can't wait for you to come home and take me!" soon as he comes home he'll bust through that door and throw you on that bed.

You see my wife was always a good catholic girl, it took her a while to "warm up" to being a sexy woman instead of the cute girl. YOu don't have to be a Vixen all the time, just enough for him to know, you like to be somewhat naughty...for him and you have sexual desires as well.

here is a good pic to start...go to the bathroom and in the mirror take a pic of yourself in just a pair of shorts and a Scarf, with the scarf over your neck and covering your nipples only, send the pic to your husband, say, " I'm cold, can you warm me up?" send it in the morning when he goes to work....tease him the rest of the day....his head will race, he will get hornier and hornier....until he gets home....where you are waiting....with a nice sexy outfit on.

Guys like the "tease and flirting" IE I'll take a pic of my wife in a sexy bra and panties or outfit, over a naked pic.....half the fun is unwrapping the "package"

my advice to women is men like to be flirted with and teased, tempt us, if marriage is just bickering and "work"...well we will take off or find someone else to play with and for the record so will women if the hubby is no fun.

For instance, my wife can't walk by me without me grabbing her butt or breasts asking if I can get some, or pulling her in the other room away from the kids to make out with her for a few seconds....marriage it is constant.


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## CruxAve

No doubt. And deviant.


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## COguy

If he wouldn't do it with you standing right next to him it's cheating...this sounds like it would go in that category.


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## PBear

While I did say that cybersex is cheating, I didn't say it's grounds for instantly terminating the marriage. Kissing someone else is physically cheating, but I'd say that's not necessarily grounds for ending a marriage either. It's when someone refuses to acknowledge and stop the problem behavior that things really need to escalate. Or if the BS is past the point of being willing or able to try to heal the marriage.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT

Try cyber sex WITH him.... it might be easier for YOU to get kinky online and then eventually take it to the bedroom!

Edited to add:

*I have to trust that he will stop - he has to trust that I won't invade his privacy by snooping through his credit card bills.*

Noooooooooooo..... he as to EARN your trust. You did trust him, he blew that. You are being to nice, and probably naive. He must give you complete transparency ....passwords, yes credit card bills, block his favorite sites, everything. He doesn't get off this easily. HE blew the trust, HE has to make considerations. He is no longer entitled to any privacy! Why on Earth would you trust him? It makes no sense.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

GAsoccerman said:


> I'm sorry but I find it awful that people just have a "black/white?" version of cheating, that cybersex and porn is cheating.....bam tey are like that's it, end the mariage, I don't like it, it's cheating.


been there, done that.
never again.
it most certainly is black and white.


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## heavensangel

Lusting for anyone else, cyber or not, when in a committed relationship is CHEATING!!!!!

COguy said it best - If you have to hide what you're doing then you shouldn't be doing it. If DH didn't think anything was wrong with it, then why did you have to 'catch' him at it? 

GAsoccerman is correct..... the sexy/hot pics from you to DH is a good idea. My DH travels extensively, occasionally as a surprise, I'll send him one (some hotter than others). The first time I sent one, the blown away response he had was priceless. There are poses/ways you can do it to where it shows very little - sometimes in this case, less is more!! DHs want to know you care enough to do what it takes to show them YOU want them. It's more of a turn on for them to see a pic of someone they know they can eventually touch.


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## memyselfandi

Cybersex?? Depends how far they go with it.

Sometimes it can bring excitement into a marriage..but so can porn.

Porn wasn't enough for my ex. His excuse was, "I need something more physical without being physical.."

Mmmmhmmm..yeah right.


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## tm84

Yes, it's cheating. He is getting some of his sexual/emotional needs met by someone outside of the marriage, and it's taking him away from the marriage. You have every right to feel uncomfortable with it.

He needs to stop his outside activities and refocus his energies on you and the marriage. At the same time, the both of you need to talk about how you go about meeting each other's needs so that this really doesn't happen again. More importantly, your husband needs to commit to earning your trust back by not engaging in cybersex or chatting with women online and being transparent in his actions and words.


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## Mrs. T

Yes it felt like cheating to me when my ex was engaging in it. I wonder how your husband would feel if the tables were turned and it was you in front of the computer. My ex surely didn't like the thought too much.


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## Nala2012

Whilst i do feel it is cheating to a certain degree i also think it is easier to forgive as there is no physcial contact.

I would be deeply hurt and it would take some repairing but as his hands haven't actually touched another body i think it is something i could deal with... eventually.

He should have spoken to you about his needs and temptations first, that way you could have had the opportunity to fulfil them.

I do not think that porn is cheating and think that it can really spice up your sex life provided you both agree and are comfortable with it.

Hope you manage to sort things out.


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## Jeff74

Each couple needs t determine what their boundaries are. For some couples this would be considered cheating and for other couples this might be an ok activity. My wife, for example, does not think that kissing someone else is cheating...although she agrees it is the wrong thing to do, she does not define it as cheating. Other people might define kissing someone else as cheating. You two need to agree on what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. It really doesnt matter if it is cheating though because if it bothers you so much, he should stop doing it simply because he loves you...regardless of whether he considers it cheating or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

Read my story (link in sig) My husband cheated on me over a period of nine months exclusively on line. He was also looking to hook up with someone physically. He finally did, after I kicked him out.

If you feel betrayed by it, and he hid it from you because he knew you wouldn't approve, and it involves sexy talk or emotional involvement, then it's cheating.

And saying that just because it never went physical it's somehow 'lesser' cheating is BS. People may try to define degrees of cheating just to salve their own conscience or justify something to themselves, but the hurt a betrayed spouse feels doesn't depend on someone else's opinion.


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## hisfac

It's a matter of degree but it's still cheating. The bigger problem is that he doesn't see anything wrong with it and is completely insensitive to your hurt in regard to the situation which means he's going to keep right on doing it and quite often it can escalate to the real thing.


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## ShuttleDIK

Obviously, to each their own...

But mine are here:

Pr0n - not cheating
Online w/ another person - CHEATING
Inter-species Erotica - illegal (insert Clerks2 joke HERE)

I also don't approve of online flirting AT ALL. I'm putting my foot down on that tonight.

Basically, if your relationship needs aren't being addressed by your relationship.... why are you in that relationship?!

Again - these are my boundaries.


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## Mistys dad

Hell yea, its cheating.

I might even define it as worse than a physical affair because its creating an emotional bond first, then meeting a physical need. A physical affair could be a one off that is just to satisfy an urge (still wrong). The cyber thing is a thought process and carefully planned out action.

As to you being prudish. Only you can decide where you are comfortable and what is appropriate. Changing because he cheated is crap. He will just move the goal post and tell you that he wants more and your not delivering, so he's getting it online again.Guilt is never a motivation to give.

If he wants to experiment, then it's on him to earn the trust, take the lead, respect your boundaries, and be completely honest with you and himself. He failed at every one of those points.


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## ScaredandUnsure

Absolutely is cheating imo.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

ShuttleDIK said:


> Obviously, to each their own...
> 
> But mine are here:
> 
> Pr0n - not cheating
> 
> 
> Basically, if your relationship needs aren't being addressed by your relationship.... why are you in that relationship?!


this isnt getting 'needs' met elsewhere?


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## Jeff74

The problem is that there is no clear cut, 100% definition of cheating. On the other hand, adultery is more clearly defined (legal sense)

Excluding adultery, everyone defines cheating the way they want. Your husband may not consider what he did to be cheating but you might. Regardless of what terminology you use, the two of you must set clear boundaries as to what is acceptable in your relationship.

As to different "levels" of cheating that people refer to, once again this is completely arbitrary. Cheating can be considered unethical but one person can not decide for everyone else what everyone's morality should be. What is moral to one person may be immoral to another. This of course is very different than what is considered legal.

My point here is that just because people on here say that it is cheating does not mean that it is or is not. It's just an opinion that can be debated endlessly...but you have to decide for yourself what you are comfortable with...and even if it's not cheating it doesn't necessarily mean it is the right thing to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopefull363

It depends on where boundaries are set. For my husband and I it would be cheating. I don't consider porn cheating though as long as I get mine. We've even watched porn together. The more sex we have the less porn going on. Definitive boundaries should be set. Ask him how he would feel if you did the things he did.


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## memyselfandi

Yes it is.

And why..because it doesn't stop at cybersex...too many outlets and too many of those who will make it real.


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## COguy

memyselfandi said:


> Yes it is.
> 
> And why..because it doesn't stop at cybersex...too many outlets and too many of those who will make it real.


Because it may or may not be a gateway doesnt make it cheating. It's cheating because it's using someone else to fulfill your emotional/sexual needs that's not your wife. It's a question that has to be answered by every couple. Some couples for the same reason may view porn as cheating, whereas others would not consider any form of cyber sex cheating.

The true litmus test is, does the behavior have to be hidden. If both couples are OK with it, then there is no reason to hide it. If one person feels like they have to conceal the behavior, then it's cheating.

Back to my original statement, if you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse, it's cheating. It can be as innocent as conversation, or as serious as sexual relations.


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## In_The_Wind

Hi Blu Sky sorry you are here. I would consider it a EA and i would also consider it cheating He is getting his emotional needs outside of your marriage. Normally its only a matter of time before this type of activity turns into a full blown PA or physical affair. In an effort to reestablish trust with him he needs to display transparency in all areas such as cell phone, computer passwords and emails. This type of affair is hard to break and i would also consider some MC as well. He needs to get Honest with you about exactly what he has been doing on the internet and you should be able to ask any and all questions you feel you need too. After all these are his actions Just my opinion


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## heavensangel

Anything 'sexual' outside of your 'marriage bed' (without your spouse) is cheating!


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## Hope1964

heavensangel said:


> Anything 'sexual' outside of your 'marriage bed' (without your spouse) is cheating!


This isn't necessarily true. Many couples do not mind if their spouse indulges in a bit of porn and/or masturbation on their own once in a while. For them, it wouldn't be cheating. For others it would. There's a grey area where couples need to define their own boundaries, for themselves.


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## metalb

I'd consider it cheating. But I'd also take it as a sign that you should either 1) re-evaluate your marriage and work on it if you want to or 2) get out now.


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## jourdepaye

metalb said:


> I'd consider it cheating. But I'd also take it as a sign that you should either 1) re-evaluate your marriage and work on it if you want to or 2) get out now.


Trudat!! The most concise and courageous response. 

Thank you.


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## Jeff74

I was curious what my wife thinks about cybersex and whether or not it is cheating in her mind and she said that she would not consider it to be cheating. 

I have never done the cybersex thing but I do live in a sexless marriage so I was curious what my wife would think if I did it. I didn't make it a big conversation but I was just curious what her opinion was.


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## Goldmember357

blu sky said:


> I found out my husband was having cybersex, was really upset and couldn't understand why he would do that. I felt it was the same as cheating. He said it was nothing and he was just exploring because he says I’m too prudish. He admitted he would like me to talk 'dirty' and do raunchy things. He felt he couldn’t ask me or talk to me about it because he didn't think I would be interested so he ended up chatting online which led to cybersex. He said he's really sorry and doesn't want to loose me and it won't happen again but I just need to understand what he wants.
> I'm not sure I can trust him. I know it was online and not the same as an actual affair but its still like cheating and I don't know if I can trust him in the same way.
> I do still love him and I agree that I can be a little prudish but I feel he should have talked to me about how he felt. I’m confused about what to do. Please advise.


He is not sorry he knew what he is doing

This is a huge red flag.

I'll post later what i think you should do. This man has already broken your trust and now your heart hurts and your mind and heart are fighting on what to do and its not how a marriage should go you should not have pain of your spouse lusting after others and emotionally and or physically cheating on you or both.


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## KJ5000

It's crossing the line. If you cyberd some guy and told him how much you'd like to s--- and f--- him, I'm pretty sure your husband would get heated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tropical

blu sky said:


> I found out my husband was having cybersex, was really upset and couldn't understand why he would do that. I felt it was the same as cheating. He said it was nothing and he was just exploring because he says I’m too prudish. He admitted he would like me to talk 'dirty' and do raunchy things. He felt he couldn’t ask me or talk to me about it because he didn't think I would be interested so he ended up chatting online which led to cybersex. He said he's really sorry and doesn't want to loose me and it won't happen again but I just need to understand what he wants.
> I'm not sure I can trust him. I know it was online and not the same as an actual affair but its still like cheating and I don't know if I can trust him in the same way.
> I do still love him and I agree that I can be a little prudish but I feel he should have talked to me about how he felt. I’m confused about what to do. Please advise.


 Don't worry so much. "Cheating" online is the same as "eating" online or "drinking" online. You can watch videos of food or water all the day and you still can't be full. Online sex - no touch, no feel, no smell...too far away from the real cheating.


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## Mrs. T

Tropical said:


> Don't worry so much. "Cheating" online is the same as "eating" online or "drinking" online. You can watch videos of food or water all the day and you still can't be full. Online sex - no touch, no feel, no smell...too far away from the real cheating.


 What happens when the spouse who's "cheating online" decides they are "in love" with their online sex partner? Somehow it doesn't seem so far away anymore.....


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

Tropical said:


> Don't worry so much. "Cheating" online is the same as "eating" online or "drinking" online. You can watch videos of food or water all the day and you still can't be full. Online sex - no touch, no feel, no smell...too far away from the real cheating.


:rofl:

ridiculous.

this must be from someone who also carries on online affairs.

and THIS is your defense to it?
some people really amaze me.


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## Mrs. T

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> :rofl:
> 
> ridiculous.
> 
> this must be from someone who also carries on online affairs.
> 
> and THIS is your defense to it?
> some people really amaze me.


Yes, my first husband did this to me. I came home from work one night to find him j*cking off in front of the webcam for some bimbo with her a** in the camera...He gave me the same line of BS...how can it possibly mean anything over the computer...we've never met...blah blah blah...Two months later I'm catching him again, this time he tells me he has fallen in love with her. They were planning a meeting. All I can say is it sure as hell felt like cheating to me. When he gave me the BS line that it wasn't cheating because they never had contact, no touching and so on I asked him point blank how he would feel if he walked in on me with my legs spread open in front of the webcam for some guy I didn't know. His tune changed a little bit then...apparently if I did it that would have constituted cheating. 
That's OK...that jack a** isn't a part of my life anymore.:smthumbup:


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## 7737

Let me give you two scenarios...

1) Homeless, penniless person goes into a convenience store and steals a loaf of bread because they are hungry

2) 'Person' old goes into Apple store and steals an Iphone4 because their friend has one

They are both guilty of theft.....but is one more understandable than the other?


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## Jeff74

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> :rofl:
> 
> ridiculous.
> 
> this must be from someone who also carries on online affairs.
> 
> and THIS is your defense to it?
> some people really amaze me.


I think everyone is entitled to their opinions! There is no rule book that says cybersex is cheating. There is no law that says cybersex is cheating. No one needs to defend whether or not cybersex is cheating because it is simply an opinion. Each person and couple must decide for themselves what constitutes cheating but that does not mean ever other person and couple must follow suit.

Cybersex might be cheating or it might not be. Whether it can lead to a physical affair or not is questionable but it certainly does not always lead to one. Everyone must decide for themselves whether it's cheating or not.

As far as I know there is very little case law regarding cyber sex and how it relates to marriages. Cybersex with a minor, however, can be a different story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caligyrl

Cybersex, phonesex, online sex, porn sites, it does not matter. Bottom line is-if your husband has a "happy ending" with someone other than you......it's CHEATING! Plain black and white.


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## Hope1964

Caligyrl said:


> Cybersex, phonesex, online sex, porn sites, it does not matter. Bottom line is-if your husband has a "happy ending" with someone other than you......it's CHEATING! Plain black and white.


Like has been said already many times in this thread, each couple needs to decide for themselves what constitutes cheating. And unless boundaries are clearly stated before they're crossed, don't expect to be on the same page about it either, when one spouse ends up sending nude photos and sexy chats/emails to someone else whom they've never met and tries to use the fact they've never met as an excuse.

The ONLY true thing that can be said for every couple is that if it isn't something that both spouses would agree is ok, then it's cheating. So if I have agreed to never show another man my ankles and I do, then I have cheated on my husband. And if I have agreed that my husband can hire escorts when away on business trips, then he isn't cheating when he does so.


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## Jeff74

Caligyrl said:


> Cybersex, phonesex, online sex, porn sites, it does not matter. Bottom line is-if your husband has a "happy ending" with someone other than you......it's CHEATING! Plain black and white.


I have a very different opinion and disagree with yours. It is perfectly fine in my marriage, for example, to get off to porn.

So I would agree with you that perhaps it's black and white, but strongly disagree on what is black and what is white.


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## tacoma

Caligyrl said:


> Cybersex, phonesex, online sex, porn sites, it does not matter. Bottom line is-if your husband has a "happy ending" with someone other than you......it's CHEATING! Plain black and white.


Is it ok if my wife and I are getting off to the porn together?

That would still be cheating wouldn`t it?

Getting hard to remember all this stuff.


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## ShuttleDIK

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> this isnt getting 'needs' met elsewhere?


Absolutely not. There are no other people involved. Unless you're one of those folks who believe masturbation is immoral (which is insane), spending time with yourself is healthy. And even then, it doesn't have to be a 'solo-experience'. Some therapists support couples' use of marital aides.

But it has to be above board and honest. And accepted.


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## ShuttleDIK

Caligyrl said:


> Cybersex, phonesex, online sex, porn sites, it does not matter. Bottom line is-if your husband has a "happy ending" with someone other than you......it's CHEATING! Plain black and white.


Sorry - I can't agree w/ you there. Are you saying you don't masturbate at all? There's plenty of evidence to support that self-gratification is healthy, even encouraged, in a relationship.

I agree that if there's another person outside the relationship involved, it's cheating. But he can't cheat on you with a victoria's secret catalog. That's pr0n, too, yknow?


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## heavensangel

If you have to hide, sneak, or lie to do it; then it's cheating!! 

If you're guilty of any of those behaviors to have: Cyber sex, phone sex, online sex, porn sites, or all of the above, then it's obviously not consensual/ agreed upon in your relationship therefore I would consider it cheating. 

I personally feel if my DH has to turn to these avenues to have a 'happy ending' then I'm not doing my job! 

I also feel that when/if it gets to the point where H/W can't 'get off' with their spouse without involving the any of the other 'avenues' is when the extracurricular activities have become a problem/addiction that needs to be dealt with. 

If your relationship is such that you feel free to partake of said activities, then great!!!! But let the rest of us who disagree with you have our opinions as well. Doesn't make any of us wrong; just different.


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## Caligyrl

OK..you folks have taken the wrong idea-perhaps I wasn't clear that my simple explanation does not include masturbation. The porn sites I was referring to were the pay ones where you have a girl "talk" you off, or you join a porn forum, or subscribe to a "Playmate" type thing. 
Just watching porn and masturbation is NOT cheating.
Also...if you and your spouse are in agreement on something-those are the defined rules and do not come into the 'cheating' arena.
Hope that helped clarify.


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## Jellybeans

heavensangel said:


> If you have to hide, sneak, or lie to do it; then it's cheating!!


:iagree:

I just want to add "if you have to hide/sneak/lie about your sexual involvement with someone else from your spouse while in a committed relationship, then it's cheating."


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## endlessgrief

Trenton said:


> Although I definitely think it is cheating, I'd rather cyber cheating than physical cheating. It might just be me but there's something about him keeping it fantasy, as in not making the woman actually exist in physical form, that makes it less real to me.


Whenever I hear about a man cyber sexing online, I imagine the man chatting sexually with a 40 year old man, with a hairy back, huge belly, greasy hair, who lives in his mom's basement who is online pretending to be a hot chick. Because seriously, without a cam, you really don't know who (or what) you are cyber sexing with.


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## Hope1964

endlessgrief said:


> Whenever I hear about a man cyber sexing online, I imagine the man chatting sexually with a 40 year old man, with a hairy back, huge belly, greasy hair, who lives in his mom's basement who is online pretending to be a hot chick. Because seriously, without a cam, you really don't know who (or what) you are cyber sexing with.


Yep, for sure, but it isn't any less painful when it happens. My husband actually paid money to a sex escort agency (he was being scammed) and wanted to meet up with these 'women' for sex. To me, wanting to is the same as doing it. And they DID have cam shows. They weren't in real time, they were taped though.


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## Jeff74

Just read this whole thread again. There are so many variations as to what different people consider cheating. 

As I said before, it is up to you and your partner to decide what is right or wrong. No one here can do anything but give you their opinion. There is no strict/legal/universal definition of cheating that everyone must abide to. Each couple needs to set their own boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeff74

Hope1964 said:


> Yep, for sure, but it isn't any less painful when it happens. My husband actually paid money to a sex escort agency (he was being scammed) and wanted to meet up with these 'women' for sex. To me, wanting to is the same as doing it. And they DID have cam shows. They weren't in real time, they were taped though.


Interesting opinion..so in your mind simly desiring to cheat and wanting to do it is equivalent to actual physical contact....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

Jeff74 said:


> Interesting opinion..so in your mind simly desiring to cheat and wanting to do it is equivalent to actual physical contact....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


to me it would be.
it shows they are already on that road.
easy for someone to suck them in.
as far as im concerned they can go and i would be happy to send them on their way.


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## heavensangel

Isn't the 'desire to cheat' where actual 'cheating' begins? 

People typically don't do ANYTHING without first wanting/desiring to do it. 

I agree with HOPE1964 - I would also consider it being unfaithful! The pain of knowing your spouse/significant other wants/desires someone else is not diminished in the least by the absence of the physical act itself. It still hurts you to the core!!!!


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## Jeff74

heavensangel said:


> Isn't the 'desire to cheat' where actual 'cheating' begins?
> 
> People typically don't do ANYTHING without first wanting/desiring to do it.
> 
> I agree with HOPE1964 - I would also consider it being unfaithful! The pain of knowing your spouse/significant other wants/desires someone else is not diminished in the least by the absence of the physical act itself. It still hurts you to the core!!!!


I agree that often a desire must be there but the logic is not absolute. In other words it is not always the case that if someone has the desire to cheat that they will in fact commit a physical act. 

With that said, it is fine that you find it wrong and unfaithful..you have every right to determine what you accept and do not accept and no one can take that away from you!


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## Jeff74

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> to me it would be.
> it shows they are already on that road.
> easy for someone to suck them in.
> as far as im concerned they can go and i would be happy to send them on their way.


As I said before, whatever works for each person's relationship is fine. And if this idealogy works for you and your partner then I think it's great that you two agree!


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## Hope1964

Jeff74 said:


> Interesting opinion..so in your mind simly desiring to cheat and wanting to do it is equivalent to actual physical contact....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's more than just having the desire - it's the actual seeking of it, actively, advertising oneself as available for sex on Sexsearch and Adult Friend Finder, paying money to what he thought was a sex escort agency. That goes a little farther than just a desire. The fact that he didn't actually HAVE sex with them is kinda beside the point - he did everything else. The only reason it never got physical was that I caught him. 

And then he did go physical with a hooker later anyway. Which is weird because he wasn't even looking for sex that night - he was just walking home from the bar.


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## Jessie13

I think it is cheating to...my husband of almost 28 years hasn't done that as far as I know. He did get his feeling hurt at me - felt neglected - and I have to admit I take this wonderful man for granted - but he decided to go to the strip club. He thinks I'm really ticked off about that but the reason I'm so hurt is because since I thought that if he was hiding that what else was he hiding so I started snooping....on his computer I found that he had registered on a singles dating site and said he was 29....as far as I can tell he hasn't been talking to anyone on there. He didn't put is picture or correct state on there so at least I'm pretty sure he wasn't planning on meeting anyone. I feel very betrayed because I would never do that to him.


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## Jellybeans

Jessie, you need to confront him with what you know.


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## Jellybeans

Hope1964 said:


> It's more than just having the desire - it's the actual seeking of it, actively, advertising oneself as available for sex on Sexsearch and Adult Friend Finder, paying money to what he thought was a sex escort agency. That goes a little farther than just a desire. The fact that he didn't actually HAVE sex with them is kinda beside the point - he did everything else. The only reason it never got physical was that I caught him.
> 
> And then he did go physical with a hooker later anyway. Which is weird because he wasn't even looking for sex that night - he was just walking home from the bar.


:iagree: Why put an ad up ONLINE saying you want sex if you don't, in fact, want sex. Why hide it from your spouse if it's not wrong? Why lie to your spouse about it? That makes NO f-cking sense. 

This is how I felt when I found my exH's online stuff. Initially he told me he'd had it up for TWO years. TWO years! I dont even know if that's true but can you imagine--two years!


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## Jeff74

I imagine that he was putting up the ad because he was unhappy with his sex life and was looking for another partner.

I agree, clearly that is a very bad sign. My comment was more just thinking about doing it as opposed to what your husband did for 2 years.

Why was your ex so unhappy in your sexual relationship that he felt the need to look online for other women?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

Jeff74 said:


> I imagine that he was putting up the ad because he was unhappy with his sex life and was looking for another partner.
> 
> I agree, clearly that is a very bad sign. My comment was more just thinking about doing it as opposed to what your husband did for 2 years.
> 
> Why was your ex so unhappy in your sexual relationship that he felt the need to look online for other women?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't know if you were asking me, but here you go

1) He's not my ex, we are reconciling
2) We had a fairly good sex life while all this was going on
3) he is a sex addict
4) he has historically turned to seeking sexual release when he feels isolated and alone, whether that be in a relationship or not.
5) Despite the ok sex life, our relationship was really crappy in pretty much every other respect. He chose to solve this by seeking intimacy elsewhere.


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## Jellybeans

Jeff74 said:


> I imagine that he was putting up the ad because he was unhappy with his sex life and was looking for another partner.
> 
> I agree, clearly that is a very bad sign. My comment was more just thinking about doing it as opposed to what your husband did for 2 years.
> 
> Why was your ex so unhappy in your sexual relationship that he felt the need to look online for other women?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is that comment directed to me or Hope?


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## Clare_Bear

I have learned that an important thing to remember about men is that they make mistakes just like women do. Oftentimes a man is scared of upsetting his woman by bringing up sexual things, because he doesn't want to put pressure on her to try them. Most likely he wants to try the things he chatted about "in general", meaning he would with you in real life if you were into them. I think what he did was avoid communicating with you about his feelings, and its important to think back to your previous reactions to his honesty with other things. If someone feels afraid you will get angry they might hold back, and try suppressing what they feel and avoiding the conversation. Is what he did actual cheating? I think that is only something you can decide based on your on values, and idea of right and wrong. The fact he apologized was a good thing, and he also took a step forward in expressing what he wanted (again, good). I understand you feeling hurt (i would too!), but the main issue is to help him see he can (and should) *always* communicate with you about his feelings. I always say to my fiance "ask me, the worst I can say is no". You have a right to ask for his honesty, and even tell him if you're uncomfortable with him doing that. I think you two should work it out, because his going off to fantasize about it with someone else solves nothing for either of you in the long run. In the mean time? forgive yourself as well if you feel guilty for your feelings, because we're all human. You have a right to feel hurt, I would too. You two can work through this!


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## DocHoliday

It is wasting the sexual energy and attention that should be spent on your real relationship. On your real partner.

Sexual web activity is not a harmless "fun" diversion. There are many websites now that address the issues.

thisisyourbrainonporn and a few others. It is actually pretty scary.


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## DocHoliday

But I want to give you hope that this problem is VERY common, and can be successfully dealt with......

good luck to you.


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## Jeff74

DocHoliday said:


> It is wasting the sexual energy and attention that should be spent on your real relationship. On your real partner.
> 
> Sexual web activity is not a harmless "fun" diversion. There are many websites now that address the issues.
> 
> thisisyourbrainonporn and a few others. It is actually pretty scary.


I think it depends on the relationship. I think that in some relationship it may not be tolerated and in other cases it might be fine. It is best to talk to your partner and see how they feel as I think that would be the most important thing to do.

I am sure there are websites promoting many different ideas but I think it is important that every couple have open communication and dialogue to see how they feel about all different issues.


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## ladybird

blu sky said:


> I found out my husband was having cybersex, was really upset and couldn't understand why he would do that. I felt it was the same as cheating. He said it was nothing and he was just exploring because he says I’m too prudish. He admitted he would like me to talk 'dirty' and do raunchy things. He felt he couldn’t ask me or talk to me about it because he didn't think I would be interested so he ended up chatting online which led to cybersex. He said he's really sorry and doesn't want to loose me and it won't happen again but I just need to understand what he wants.
> I'm not sure I can trust him. I know it was online and not the same as an actual affair but its still like cheating and I don't know if I can trust him in the same way.
> I do still love him and I agree that I can be a little prudish but I feel he should have talked to me about how he felt. I’m confused about what to do. Please advise.


yes!! To me it is anyway..

Everyone has their own definition of what cheating it.

But cyber sex is wrong when you are in a committed relationship..

Just because it was "online" doesn't mean anything.. Cheating is cheating online or offline


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## ladybird

SunnyT said:


> Try cyber sex WITH him.... it might be easier for YOU to get kinky online and then eventually take it to the bedroom!
> 
> Edited to add:
> 
> *I have to trust that he will stop - he has to trust that I won't invade his privacy by snooping through his credit card bills.
> 
> Noooooooooooo..... he as to EARN your trust. You did trust him, he blew that. You are being to nice, and probably naive. He must give you complete transparency ....passwords, yes credit card bills, block his favorite sites, everything. He doesn't get off this easily. HE blew the trust, HE has to make considerations. He is no longer entitled to any privacy! Why on Earth would you trust him? It makes no sense.*




My thoughts exactly, he doesn't deserve your trust right now. YOU did nothing wrong. HE DID!


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## DocHoliday

You may need counseling. At first a breach of trust seems like something small, but deciet and lies are like rungs on a ladder.
If you step off a little rung, you can slide way down.

Rebuilding genine trust takes years, and can only take a few incidents to occur. I think you are very smart getting advice and attempting to find a solution to your scenario.

Do not sweep this type of behavior under the rug.


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## DocHoliday

There is a big difference between marital privacy and secret keeping.

Someone posted earlier.. if you would not be doing something if your spouse was standing next to you, you 'prolly should not be doing it.


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## lovelygirl

blu sky said:


> I found out my husband was having cybersex, was really upset and couldn't understand why he would do that. I felt it was the same as cheating. *He said it was nothing and he was just exploring because he says I’m too prudish.* He admitted he would like me to talk 'dirty' and do raunchy things. He felt he couldn’t ask me or talk to me about it because he didn't think I would be interested so he ended up chatting online which led to cybersex. He said he's really sorry and doesn't want to loose me and it won't happen again but I just need to understand what he wants.
> I'm not sure I can trust him. I know it was online and not the same as an actual affair but its still like cheating and I don't know if I can trust him in the same way.
> I do still love him and I agree that I can be a little prudish but I feel he should have talked to me about how he felt. I’m confused about what to do. Please advise.


Oh please!!! Ridiculous!!!
You being prudish has nothing to do with him exploring things.
He's a cheater and that's it!!!!!
He's bringing up stupid excuses!!!


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## EleGirl

tillybear said:


> hello, if you are looking for a way to catch your partner cyber cheating ive found a great websitre called snakebate. They are really professional and put my mind at rest, check them out.
> 
> snakebate


A good key logger will catch everything they do online.


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## 7737

I read GASoccermans post on page one...I'm afraid I 'skimmed' through the others.

I agree with GAS....there seem to be alot of people on TAM for whom life is black and white, there is no grey.

Let me put two scenarios to you (as I have done before)....

1) 20yr old living on the streets, no 'welfare', lonely, cold, wet, hungry and forgotten about....He goes into a store, grabs a loaf of bread and runs out without paying.
2) 20yr old runs into Apple shop, grabs a new Iphone and runs out without paying.

In law, both are equally guilty of theft. Fact.

But in reality, the homeless chap stole because he was hungry...still theft and wrong, but we can understand it.

Adultery/affairs etc....whilst they are wrong, there ARE times when they are more understandable....just like the hungry chap stealing a loaf of bread because he is hungry...


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## J'Accused

Definitely cheating, my wife was sending nudie pics of herself to a 22 year old bodybuilder, she never did anything like that for me, absolutely cheating


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## Caligyrl

Let me tell you about a man I know. He stalks message boards and pron forums and such. The ends to which he is seeking is getting to 'know' numerous women and then getting them to perform cyber sex both online and ultimately on the phone. Now-to add insult to injury, he also gets them to send him their panties and take pictures of themselves. He's so charming and gets them all to do this. Now....to add a little spice-he is MARRIED and his wife knows nothing about what he does. No-NOT MY husband, but he was a friend of his at one time. This guy is a pig, and his wife would be crushed if she knew. Cybersex IS cheating in it's rawest form.


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## Caligyrl

EleGirl said:


> A good key logger will catch everything they do online.


Did anyone use that SNAKEBATE?


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## keylogger

yeah i think agree with you.


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## arbitrator

In a word, *yes!*


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## Riven

Is he having sex or getting off with someone other than you? Then it's cheating. At the point I'm at right now, porn is cheating to me. It's my husband getting off with someone other than me... 

There is NO excuse for this. He's chatting with another living person who is not you for reasons of sex. That's pretty much cheating no?


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## Caligyrl

I would think so-unless he is 'priming' himself or something similiar. If you are not in the picture at all...then yes.


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