# Does scheduling sex ever work?



## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

Has anyone ever made an agreement with their LD spouse to set aside one night a week (or more) for sex, where you both agree it will definitely happen, barring unforeseen circumstances? 

Did it work for you? Did it improve your sex life? Did both parties stick to it? Did one person start to resent the other (either the LD person for feeling pressured to do it when they didn't want to, or the HD person for getting "obligation" sex)?

My LD spouse and I tried this years ago. She picked a day and time that wasn't convenient for me (due to work schedule), and then blew it off after a few weeks. Now after our most recent discussion/argument about sex, she has suggested trying it again (although she doesn't remember us trying it the first time).

Has this ever worked? Or is it likely to fail and cause more bitterness and frustration than if we hadn't tried it in the first place?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sometimes works. However, as you experienced, a true LD will find ways to circumvent or cancel the agreement, because they don't really want it anyway, and are doing it only to prevent you from leaving. Which it did, apparently.

Since this time she is proposing it, take her at her word and see how it goes. If she breaks the agreement again, what will you do?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Joey2k said:


> Did it work for you? Did it improve your sex life? Did both parties stick to it?


My experience is that it amplifies feelings of resentment in the HD partner 1000X when the "Date" is broken for no good reason.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

We schedule sex 6 times a year. (not the only time we have sex)
Every two months I set up an overnight hotel/dinner date at a fancy hotel out of town. I actually figure out when she will be ovulating or at least off her period and schedule it with her.

She KNOWS this is for sex and not just any sex, GREAT over the top, we're all alone, out of town, wine, fine food, f$ck as long and as loud as possible kind of sex.

Works for us.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> My experience is that it amplifies feelings of resentment in the HD partner 1000X when the "Date" is broken for no good reason.


:iagree:

I think having to enter into an agreement to have sex is very sad. If your marriage has got to that stage I think the chances of it not working are vastly increased.

However, I accept that it is ONE way of making sure you both make the effort. 
In this day and age we all lead stressful lives...both husband and wife have to work to keep the wolf from the door...but there MUST be times in the month when the opportunity is there...Sunday morning...Saturday afternoon etc.

Sex should come naturally...scheduling it makes it all a bit 'mechanical' and forced.

Afew years ago our MC suggested that I initiate and my wife responds favourably...then its her turn to initiate and I respond favourably, then me...then her etc. Except because she isn't interested in sex it never enters her mind so she never initiated.
Added to the considerable resentment I already felt towards her.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I've tried this before and it doesn't work, she'll only have a thousand excuses why the time chosen isn't convenient, doesn't feel like, busy at that time. I find that it only gets me more upset.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

UMP - presumably you also have non planned, spur of the moment sex the rest of the time?

If you have a generally good sex life with your partner anyway but plan some raunchy 'dirty' weekends away then thats great! Good for you! Go for it!

But if the ONLY sex you get is planned and the LD partner is really only doing it because of the 'agreement'...well frankly I think I would rather go flying, fishing or hunting...either alone or with male friends.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Yikes!! Just seen my above post is my 666th one.... Certainly not going flying for a few days then!


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

In the case where you are pretty much not having any sex, I think scheduling can sometimes work but there needs to be a flip side as well. The LD spouse promises to have sex at the scheduled time "no matter what". Unless you are hospitalized, you have sex. The "flip side" is that the HD spouse promises to NEVER ask for sex other than at the scheduled time. The benefit to the LD spouse is that they can relax between "torture sessions". They can give the HD a hug when they feel like it without worrying that the Hd will initiate sex. They can allow the HD to give them a back rub without worrying that it will lead to sex. The bargained for compensation to the LD for giving up the right to say "no" when the scheduled time arrives is that the HD gives up the right to ask for sex at any other time. No guarantee, but if you aren't having sex, what do you have to lose by trying?


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

I love scheduled sex....I have advance notice to shower, light the candles, etc and the anticipation is very erotic.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evenign holdingontoit
It doesn't work very well. The LD partner can always be "feeling sick". The can "agree" to "let" you have sex with them while they lie there acting miserable and hoping you will get it over with.






Holdingontoit said:


> In the case where you are pretty much not having any sex, I think scheduling can sometimes work but there needs to be a flip side as well. The LD spouse promises to have sex at the scheduled time "no matter what". Unless you are hospitalized, you have sex. The "flip side" is that the HD spouse promises to NEVER ask for sex other than at the scheduled time. The benefit to the LD spouse is that they can relax between "torture sessions". They can give the HD a hug when they feel like it without worrying that the Hd will initiate sex. They can allow the HD to give them a back rub without worrying that it will lead to sex. The bargained for compensation to the LD for giving up the right to say "no" when the scheduled time arrives is that the HD gives up the right to ask for sex at any other time. No guarantee, but if you aren't having sex, what do you have to lose by trying?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think scheduling sex is a very bad idea. With the exception of BOTH spouses truly putting effort into their lives and marriages, scheduling sex would do little more than create resentments for both.

The LD would hate it because they are now expected to feel something they do not. The sex would most likely be lack luster as a result of having to self arouse under pressure to get there. I'm also betting that the LD partner also isn't getting too much in the way of constant arousal building through out the day, which would be another area of resentment. The light switch expectation. "Because he's in the mood I'm supposed to feel that too?" And then there are stubborn women like me. If you tell me I HAVE to do something I DONT want to do, I will do it, but I'll be pissed about it.

It only works when both partners want to make it work...much like marriages.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

askari said:


> UMP - presumably you also have non planned, spur of the moment sex the rest of the time?
> 
> If you have a generally good sex life with your partner anyway but plan some raunchy 'dirty' weekends away then thats great! Good for you! Go for it!
> 
> But if the ONLY sex you get is planned and the LD partner is really only doing it because of the 'agreement'...well frankly I think I would rather go flying, fishing or hunting...either alone or with male friends.


Correct, we average twice a week.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> I love scheduled sex....I have advance notice to shower, light the candles, etc and the anticipation is very erotic.


Me too, but that because both you and I want to have sex in the first place. If you didn't want to have sex but it was Friday night so you knew he would expect it and get angry if you tried to get out if it.... Wouldn't that create more problems than it would solve?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evenign holdingontoit
> It doesn't work very well. The LD partner can always be "feeling sick". The can "agree" to "let" you have sex with them while they lie there acting miserable and hoping you will get it over with.


I am well aware. I have been in a mismatch for the entirety of our 20+ year marriage. Tried everything. Given up.

I did not say it always works. I said it was worth trying.

The benefit of trying and failing is that it becomes very clear to the HD spouse that the LD has no intention of making any reasonable compromise. Not that "reasonable" compromise is necessarily available. I agree with the others who have said that just lying there / mercy sex / pity sex isn't worth accepting. If that is all the LD has to offer (or at least all they have to offer with the person they are with given that person's current behavior / looks / physical shape / technique), then there isn't any acceptable solution that the HD.

I have always said the "fair" compromise is for each spouse to control a week at a time. First the LD spouse controls when (or whether) the couple has sex. Then next week the HD controls. That way each spouse gets exactly what they want exactly half the time. Instead of the LD spouse getting what they want 90 - 99% of the time and the HD spouse mostly being told to pound sand. But I have never heard of a LD spouse being willing to agree to that arrangement. Which shows that they are not looking for fair or equal. They want control. Pure and simple. Every HD needs to decide how much control they are willing to give over to someone who has repeatedly shown they have no intention of being fair or giving equal weight to the HD's needs.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

The other nuance about scheduling is that the LD should be free to initiate sex whenever they want, and if they do, then the scheduled session disappears. That is, the couple agrees to have sex at least once every week. If they haven't had sex by the time the scheduled session arrives, then they have schedule sex. That way, the LD can escape the "bind" that they must have sex at the scheduled time by finding a time that works better for them. in which case the obligation disappears. 

Again, an additional benefit of this arrangement is that it smokes out the LD's reality. If they NEVER initiate and they ALWAYS wait until the scheduled time, that tells both spouses exactly how much desire the LD has for their HD partner (zero). It eliminates the excuse "I do desire you, I just don't desire you at 7:30 am on Sunday morning".


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The only way to get your wife to have sex with you, is to get her to help you understand why she does NOT want to have sex with you. Until you get her to want to, she's going to keep using avoidance tactics. 





Joey2k said:


> Has anyone ever made an agreement with their LD spouse to set aside one night a week (or more) for sex, where you both agree it will definitely happen, barring unforeseen circumstances?
> 
> Did it work for you? Did it improve your sex life? Did both parties stick to it? Did one person start to resent the other (either the LD person for feeling pressured to do it when they didn't want to, or the HD person for getting "obligation" sex)?
> 
> ...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Joey2k said:


> Has anyone ever made an agreement with their LD spouse to set aside one night a week (or more) for sex, where you both agree it will definitely happen, barring unforeseen circumstances?
> 
> Did it work for you? Did it improve your sex life? Did both parties stick to it? Did one person start to resent the other (either the LD person for feeling pressured to do it when they didn't want to, or the HD person for getting "obligation" sex)?...


A few thoughts. In your situation, what do you have to loose? Really? Take her at her word and give it a try.

It sometimes works for my wife and me, partly because we both really do want to have sex and partly because it cuts through some of the posturing. Sometimes, if not scheduled my wife will come home from work and tell me what a hard day she had, how she feels like crap, and how exhausted she is and just wants to have a quick dinner and go to bed. 

When she says stuff like that what I hear instead is "there is no way I want to have sex with you tonight, so don't bother to ask or you will get rejected and have your feelings hurt." If I leave her alone, she then later asks why didn't I have sex with her that night. I kind of slap my head and say, because it sounded like you were telling me no. Sometimes she say only "no" means no.

So scheduling sex can help break through bad communication habits or paterns.

But the most critical element of scheduling sex is to figure out the Pavlovian reward so you create a reinforcing system that creates more sex or at least rewards sex. For my wife and me that sometimes includes going out to dinner on the scheduled date nights, or my giving her a back rub in the morning to make her feel close, loved, and still desired the morning after.

Good luck. Give it a try. Even if it only works half the time, you will be better off, so keep low expectations, but enjoy!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Scheduling sex works to resolve scheduling conflicts, not desire discrepancies.

If you both just never seem to find the time because of busy lives, kids, etc--it's probably a great idea.

If you want to try it because your wife doesn't want to have sex after random initiations, she's not going to want to have sex by appointment either.


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## Propel (Aug 1, 2014)

I think its a really great sign that she was the one that suggested it. What I suggest you take it, but with your own conditions. Co-operate and make it as easy as possible for her but at the same time only so much that it lets you get what you want too. One example is that if one person wants a rain check on that day/time that they become responsible for offering a makeup date. Offering an acceptable alternative like oral if intercourse isn't on the table isn't a bad idea either. If she keeps rescheduling, don't get angry, but remind her she suggested it and ask her whats really going on. With that you'll find the underlying issues you may not have found otherwise.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

askari said:


> I think having to enter into an agreement to have sex is very sad. If your marriage has got to that stage I think the chances of it not working are vastly increased.


I agree. Some of it might depend on how it's presented though. 

If it's framed as a punctiliar event, then it's not terribly exciting even for the HD partner. It's bad enough when the alarm goes off in the morning. Who wants sex dictated by the crack of a starting pistol in the evening? 

If it's framed as the culmination of hours or even days spent helping the LD partner ease into the mood then it's not materially different than a "Date Night" and really not an unreasonable expectation for a Saturday afternoon/evening spent with your spouse.


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

My wife suggested this once and I turned it down. I'd rather beat off than have obligation sex. She either wants me or she doesn't, and she pretty much doesn't.....


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

UMP said:


> We schedule sex 6 times a year. (not the only time we have sex)
> Every two months I set up an overnight hotel/dinner date at a fancy hotel out of town. I actually figure out when she will be ovulating or at least off her period and schedule it with her.
> 
> She KNOWS this is for sex and not just any sex, GREAT over the top, we're all alone, out of town, wine, fine food, f$ck as long and as loud as possible kind of sex.
> ...


"I like it. I like it a lot"


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

It depends. If she just doesn't want to have sex with you, it won't work.

However, if she has Responsive Desire (she likes sex when you have it, it's just not something that she thinks about often) then it works. 

I don't know how one would avoid scheduled sex completely. Do you just sit around until you both suddenly get the urge? That seems like it would only work with two HDs (either that or one is always ready and the other always initiates).

Do you only go on dates when you both just happen to look at each other and say "let's go out?" And, then, do you just get up and go right then?

Scheduled sex can help when she thinks every show of affection is part of a plot to get her in the sack. Then she'll often just avoid all intimacy. 

I schedule going to the gym. I'm always glad I went. If I just sat around waiting for the urge to overtake me, I'd be a fat slob.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

LonelyinLove said:


> I love scheduled sex....I have advance notice to shower, light the candles, etc and the anticipation is very erotic.


That's what I would think, I wish my wife thought like that. Definitely agree that anticipation would be very erotic.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

it doesn't work. if you have to negotiate it, don't bother.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

My wife and I have sex twice a day, so I guess that is scheduled. It works. It's something we both wanted to do because we felt like we were turning into just friends and never really connecting. She is very schedule minded and isn't really low intimacy (LD), but if it's not something she has planned out, she tends to not think about it as much or gets bothered by stopping something else she is doing. However, since it's a part of our daily schedule, it has led to her initiating, talking about it much more, and holding me to our daily time together more than I can handle. 

Every person is different, but for someone who is more schedule minded, it really can help with what most people call LD on TAM.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

What does "work" mean? End up with a wife who is enthusiastic about having sex with you? Pretty much the only thing that works for that is to build personal value and believe deep in your bones that you could easily find another woman with whom you could have fabulous sex. Either you wife's interest will be sparked or you will decide to leave.

If you aren't willing to invest in yourself and become substantially more attractive, then the most you can reasonably expect is pity sex and scheduling it is as likely as anything else to result in having more pity sex. Or at least more chances to get shot down for no good reason, which maybe has a chance of motivating the guy to work on becoming substantially more valuable so he can get the heck out of Dodge.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

To put it bluntly, it worked fairly well. There are several side issues and complications, most have been covered. In the end we stopped calling it a schedule, but kept the routine. She has the illusion of freedom and I have the reality of regular attention. I wonder how she sees it?

What worked better was sex invitations. Some times a week in advance sometimes 10 minutes in advance. An invitation is so much nicer than a demand or an obligation. It looks something like this. At (such and such a day/ time) I'd like to do (specific sexual activity) with you. Would you like to do that? That was in the beginning. Form was important to make sure she knew it was not a demand. By now it's much more relaxed. This morning I called her up and said "come play with me, I'm naked". She does not invite me often, I have hope.

To recap: Schedule works sometimes when nothing else does. Routine is easier than schedule but you have to make the habit (scheduling is one way to make a habit) Invitations give you anticipation and help keep things alive when routine fails.
MN


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> To put it bluntly, it worked fairly well. There are several side issues and complications, most have been covered. In the end we stopped calling it a schedule, but kept the router. She has the illusion of freedom and I have the reality of regular attention. I wonder how she sees it?
> 
> What worked better was sex invitations. Some times a week in advance sometimes 10 minutes in advance. An invitation is so much nicer than a demand or an obligation. It looks something like this. At (such and such a day/ time) I'd like to do (specific sexual activity) with you. Would you like to do that? That was in the beginning. Form was important to make sure she knew it was not a demand. By now it's much more relaxed. This morning I called her up and said "come play with me, I'm naked". She does not invite me often, I have hope.
> 
> ...


I'm glad to hear that it worked for you, I just kept getting a lot of excuses.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Joey2k said:


> Has anyone ever made an agreement with their LD spouse to set aside one night a week (or more) for sex, where you both agree it will definitely happen, barring unforeseen circumstances?


My wife and I have an expectation that we are going to go out on Saturday evenings, have a drink or two, and then return home and have our relatively "wild night". Any other times during the week are unplanned. I like this because it allows for both spontaneity and one night in which I can make special plans. 

Personally I like planned sex as much as the spontaneous version. My wife rarely initiates, but she never turns me down and seems to have a re-active desire (with me anyway).


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

By scheduling, when I say nice things to my wife the rest of the week, she is able to accept what I am saying without thinking "He's just saying that because he wants sex". I hold her hand, kiss her in public, etc. Before, she always felt pressured, now she can accept it. Also, there is no "just hurry up". I make sure to speak her love languages all week, and I want her to speak mine on the weekend. Doesn't have to be a set time, just sometime during the weekend. Also, she has initiated lately, seems like the sex has allowed us to start getting closer to each other.:smthumbup:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

We've done it, but it's not a hd/ld thing. It's more of a scheduling thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

*


FrazzledSadHusband said:



By scheduling, when I say nice things to my wife the rest of the week, she is able to accept what I am saying without thinking "He's just saying that because he wants sex".

Click to expand...

*


FrazzledSadHusband said:


> This is yet another thing that my wife did that made me feel rejected so I pulled away from her altogether.
> 
> A man SHOULD be able to feel that he wants to have sex with his wife all the time. He loves her with all his heart and wants to spend the rest of his life with her...thats why he married her. Wanting to have sex with her is quite normal.
> 
> ...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

askari said:


> *
> 
> 
> FrazzledSadHusband said:
> ...


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

Buddy400 said:


> It depends. If she just doesn't want to have sex with you, it won't work.
> 
> However, if she has Responsive Desire (she likes sex when you have it, it's just not something that she thinks about often) then it works.


I think this is more the case with us. She seems to enjoy it when it happens, she just never makes any effort to make it happen, or give me any encouragement or sign that she is interested/willing. Every time I come on to her it's pretty much a shot in the dark whether she'll be interested, and most of the time it doesn't seem like she is so I give up pretty easy (wasn't always this way, I just learned over the years that trying harder when she isn't acting interested will only make the rejection that much more awkward and painful).

As I said, this was her idea this time, so we'll see how well it goes.


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