# Is it really cheating?



## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

Just need some validation here...

If a wife is talking, texing, and sending pictures (nothing nude, just her wearing different outfits like dresses, shorts, shirts) to one of her male "friends", is there really cheating?

My wife has sent me some pictures, like her making a funny face, or of her blowing me a kiss. But never of what she is wearing. Also, when we talk on the phone, its usually about 10 mins. Never a 50-70 minute phone call like with her male "friend".


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes she's cheating or very close!
Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

dantheman said:


> Just need some validation here...
> 
> If a wife is talking, texing, and sending pictures (nothing nude, just her wearing different outfits like dresses, shorts, shirts) to one of her male "friends", is there really cheating?
> 
> My wife has sent me some pictures, like her making a funny face, or of her blowing me a kiss. But never of what she is wearing. Also, when we talk on the phone, its usually about 10 mins. Never a 50-70 minute phone call like with her male "friend".


Cheating is an elastic term. Is she hiding it from you or is she out in the open?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That depends. Did she tell you she was doing so and why? Did you tell her you're OK with it?


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I'm amazed you're really asking this question? How about this, whats the number of suggestive pictures, text and calls you got during the same period? Also, did she tell you she sent them to him?

CHEATING!!!


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Can anyone, and i mean anyone, find me a valid reason for a woman to be sending pictures of herself (not family like pics) to another male other than her husband if not for obvious professional reasons?

What function may it serve that doesn't lead to something unfriendly to the marriage? I'm at lost at trying to find a plausible justification...


----------



## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Whats your instinct telling you? 

I think our gut feeling tells us so much in these situations.

Did she hide anything she text-ed to him from you?


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

..... Because there isn't one Costa!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

gemjo said:


> Whats your instinct telling you?
> 
> I think our gut feeling tells us so much in these situations.
> 
> Did she hide anything she text-ed to him from you?


This is very true. It's one of the things my IC always said to me. I always went wih my gut feeling....and it was always right!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

There's no question here, friend. It's cheating, plain and simple. She can try to justify it any number of ways- but they would be just that- attempts at justifaction. daisy said it, Costa said it... everyone except those trying to be contrary will agree... it's cheating, it's not okay and it is harmful (and for some, perhaps irreparably so) to any marriage or relationship.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Dude...you said in your other thread that you told her you saw the naked pics (which you admit to us was a lie, that you never saw any)... *BUT SHE DIDN'T DENY IT!* She never said "No you didn't! I never sent any!"... Now, given THAT information... yes, she was very much involved in an EA at the very least. But, you already know this...


----------



## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> That depends. Did she tell you she was doing so and why? Did you tell her you're OK with it?


No, I never knew she was sending them to a guy. When I first saw some of the pictures of her in different outfits, and found out she had sent them to her male friend, her justification was that she also sent them to her best friend.

As in my other thread, she said she thinks of this guy as a brother.


----------



## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

My FWH had a full blown sexting affair.

It started with a former coworker texting him to see if she could use him as a reference. From there it went to friendly chats, and then she sent a pic of herself...possibly what I would've called "innocent"...but with a bit of cleavage. From there, (ya know, since I didn't give him enough sex and attention), he came back with something like - "You look great, would look better without the shirt"...
And bam. A day later, the pix came in, and from there it was GAME ON. 

If what you refer to isn't cheating....it's the very seed upon which it can grow.


----------



## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I have never sent a pic of me all dressed up to my brother. 

I would, however, send pictures to a man I wanted to attract and receive compliments from.

Regardless of what she thinks her intentions are, no good can come of this.


----------



## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

So Sad Lady said:


> My FWH had a full blown sexting affair.
> 
> It started with a former coworker texting him to see if she could use him as a reference. From there it went to friendly chats, and then she sent a pic of herself...possibly what I would've called "innocent"...but with a bit of cleavage. From there, (ya know, since I didn't give him enough sex and attention), he came back with something like - "You look great, would look better without the shirt"...
> And bam. A day later, the pix came in, and from there it was GAME ON.
> ...


I completely agree, its the planted seed, the beginning of something not so innocent and do you feel this in your gut?


----------



## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

She is cheating... It is probably a lot worse then you now know.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

dantheman said:


> No, I never knew she was sending them to a guy. When I first saw some of the pictures of her in different outfits, and found out she had sent them to her male friend, her justification was that she also sent them to her best friend.
> 
> As in my other thread, she said she thinks of this guy as a brother.


READ THIS BOOK! Seriously. It says everything I want to.

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

dantheman said:


> No, I never knew she was sending them to a guy. When I first saw some of the pictures of her in different outfits, and found out she had sent them to her male friend, her justification was that she also sent them to her best friend.
> 
> As in my other thread, she said she thinks of this guy as a brother.


Does she have a brother? If yes, did he get the pictures as well?? Sorry OP, this one sounds like your getting BS from her. 

Good luck
WD


----------



## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

workindad said:


> Does she have a brother? If yes, did he get the pictures as well?? Sorry OP, this one sounds like your getting BS from her.
> 
> Good luck
> WD


No, she has no brother or sisters. But, she is very close to her best friend and considers her a sister. She said that her friend considers this guy her little brother (they have worked together for over 5 years). The pattern I found is that anyone that is close to her friend, she also had to get close to.

Makes no sense to me...


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

workindad said:


> Does she have a *brother*? If yes, did he get the pictures as well?? Sorry OP, this one sounds like your getting BS from her.
> 
> Good luck
> WD


The only guys to receive your wifes pics of outfits should be her brothers.... seriously, what if you started getting pictures of other women in outfits they go out, obviously not catholic school uniforms, that would make you second guess the actual nature or purpose of receiving those messages.

Is this other man's opinion better than yours?! Does she need his approval to wear something, his praise, his compliment to feel good and secure about the clothes she has/bought?

This is inappropriate, forget good or bad, it is simply inappropriate and leads to further inappropriateness. She wants opinions of how her outfits look, she can ask you or her female friends but some other guy.....

In the back of your mind you know this is inappropriate whether she is attracted to OM or not it does not matter because you DO NOT know what OM's intentions are, or what could happen between them in the future, maybe he is a far away pen pal found from an online scenario. 

Look into how many times a guy has slept with a girl he has no interest in, or how many times a woman has slept with a guy she has no interest. That doesn't even include emotions or friendship. Without even including alcohol, something new, exciting and thrilling like an affair addictive regardless of who it is with, and entertaining the idea or allowing a possibility to PRY through is a BIG RISK.


----------



## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Ok, I'm trying to think of a valid reason ... umm ..


ok, how about:
A) if it's her gay friend who (without stereotyping) happens to have great dress sense, and she's asking him for advice on what to wear so she can look great when she's out with you ....
B) ... is he a dressmaker?
C) ... couldn't come up with C


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'll weigh in...

The only time I've ever sent a pic of an outfit to a man is when I wanted compliments and attention from him. Or if I felt less than pretty that day and needed an ego boost.When I was married,I would send the outfit pics to my husband for the attention and boost.Not some "little brother"friend.

If I want fashion advice I have my mother and vogue.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If it's something she couldn't do with another man, in front of you with you knowing what she's doing - then yes it's cheating.

It's cheating because it's betraying your trust in her.

It's cheating because she intends these pics to excite and attract the OM

It's cheating because she's putting her emotional energy, and creativity into picking clothes, taking pics, and sending them to a man that isn't her husband.

so yes, it's cheating.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Here's a test for her.

Tell her to go ask YOU to pick out a nice outfit she'd like to be scene in by the OM

Have her ask you to take her phone and take a pic of her.

Have her ask you to send the pic to the OM.

- My guess is she won't want to ask you to do any of the above -

That's because she knows it's crossing the boundary of acceptable, and she knows its being disloyal to you and the marriage.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Based strictly on the facts - maybe. But the fact that you're here asking is what makes the difference. You feel that the marriage is threatened by her behavior or you wouldn't be asking and that enough for her to end the relationship with OM, which she isn't willing to do, which is more proof that the relationship is something it shouldn't be. 

For my money - yes it's cheating - and it will deepen and get worse rapidly. The deeper it gets, the harder it will be to end it and save your marriage.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Based strictly on the facts - maybe. But the fact that you're here asking is what makes the difference. You feel that the marriage is threatened by her behavior or you wouldn't be asking and that enough for her to *end the relationship with OM, which she isn't willing to do, which is more proof that the relationship is something it shouldn't be. **For my money - yes it's cheating - and it will deepen and get worse rapidly. The deeper it gets, the harder it will be to end it and save your marriage.*


THIS!!!! Sig is right about the longer it goes, the deeper it gets and the harder to pull her out. Better get movin'.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

costa200 said:


> Can anyone, and i mean anyone, find me a valid reason for a woman to be sending pictures of herself (not family like pics) to another male other than her husband if not for obvious professional reasons?
> 
> What function may it serve that doesn't lead to something unfriendly to the marriage? I'm at lost at trying to find a plausible justification...


My wife has a male friend that I can see her sending pictures of her outfits to. She also would send him pictures of rooms in our house that she decorated. He is gay.


----------



## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

here we go again....opposite sex friends of one partner in a marriage is DANGEROUS to the marriage. Stop this before it becomes a full blown affair


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

dantheman said:


> Just need some validation here...
> 
> If a wife is talking, texing, and sending pictures (nothing nude, just her wearing different outfits like dresses, shorts, shirts) to one of her male "friends", is there really cheating?
> 
> My wife has sent me some pictures, like her making a funny face, or of her blowing me a kiss. But never of what she is wearing. Also, when we talk on the phone, its usually about 10 mins. Never a 50-70 minute phone call like with her male "friend".


It would be close enough for me.

I see the following continuum :

Inappropriate -> Unfaithful -> Cheating

My wife having such male friends would be at the least inappropriate. I would have told this by now and therefore her continuing would already be unfaithful. Her doing this then would be a form of cheating.

The bottomline is that I would not be ok with any of this and would have drawn a boundary way before this.


----------



## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Take a picture of yourself with your wife's phone and send it to him. Include the message, "Party's over pal, here's your last pic". Show it to your wife, if she gives you grief, drop her phone in garbage disposal and grind it up. Give her a new phone with a new number and dare her to do it again.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Take a picture of yourself with your wife's phone and send it to him. Include the message, "Party's over pal, here's your last pic". Show it to your wife, if she gives you grief, drop her phone in garbage disposal and grind it up. Give her a new phone with a new number and dare her to do it again.


Put spybubble on the new phone before you give it to her though!


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I read some of your other thread. Why are you even asking this question? What is it that you want? How much are you willing to put up with? And if you put up with it, why does it bother you?


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

So let me get right to the point (and I didn't read your other threads), are you go to tell her this friendship ends now and are you going to take positive steps to show her how serious you are? (Like blocking or canceling the services that she uses to communicate with him) Or are you going to let her continue making you look foolish?


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

From his thread in going through divorce. Dan was filing for D earlier this week and hoping to have her served by Friday.


----------



## StoneAngel (Oct 10, 2012)

So Sad Lady said:


> My FWH had a full blown sexting affair.
> 
> It started with a former coworker texting him to see if she could use him as a reference. From there it went to friendly chats, and then she sent a pic of herself...possibly what I would've called "innocent"...but with a bit of cleavage. From there, (ya know, since I didn't give him enough sex and attention), he came back with something like - "You look great, would look better without the shirt"...
> And bam. A day later, the pix came in, and from there it was GAME ON.
> ...


So if not defined as Cheating would you atleast define your circumstance as unfaithful? (inquiring minds want to know)


----------



## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

StoneAngel said:


> So if not defined as Cheating would you atleast define your circumstance as unfaithful? (inquiring minds want to know)


Well, my conclusion to all this, whether it was an EA, PA, whatever the case, its betrayal. Pure and simple. 

My W spent some much energy on this OM, hours of texting, phone calls, sending pics, none of which she did with me. I really wish I could understand why, but I have given up on asking. 

She won't talk about it, won't go to MC, wont do a polygraph...so what else do I have left? 

Even through the 6 months of our false R, guess how many times she called me, texted me, sent me pictures, or even had lunch with me? I can count the times on one hand.

So yes, D is filed and she should be served soon. Wish me luck!


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Take a picture of yourself with your wife's phone and send it to him. Include the message, "Party's over pal, here's your last pic". Show it to your wife, if she gives you grief, drop her phone in garbage disposal and grind it up. Give her a new phone with a new number and dare her to do it again.


That could break the garbage disposal.

Give her a new POS phone. 
Like mine! 
I can take pictures, text people, call people, and that is it. 

No internet, no games, very simple. It fulfills the purpose of a phone, and that is it. 
Still costed me like $200 for a giant piece of crap though...


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

dantheman said:


> *So yes, D is filed and she should be served soon.* Wish me luck!


If that doesn't wake her up, well, then you would've lost her anyway eventually. Better to find out now so you can move on with your life to better things ahead.

Keep coming back here to get more advice. These guys are pros.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Let's just implement a little bit of "common sense" here! Is this, in any way, standard behavior for a typical committed married woman?

You fill in the blank!


----------



## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> Let's just implement a little bit of "common sense" here! Is this, in any way, standard behavior for a typical committed married woman?
> 
> You fill in the blank!


No. I know for sure I would have never done this to my wife. I guess that's the problem, I have "common sense" and know this is absolutely wrong. I just don't understand why she doesn't "get it". But like I said before, I am done trying to figure it out, but it would help for some closure.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You're going to be far better off without her. And her enabling, utterly toxic friends!


----------



## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> You're going to be far better off without her. And her enabling, utterly toxic friends!


I truely hope so. All I ever wanted was someone to love me and ONLY me. I really felt this was the woman I would be with for the rest of my life. I really hope I can eventually find a loyal, loving companion some day. Sure does seem hopeless right now.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

dantheman said:


> All I ever wanted was someone to love me and ONLY me. I really hope I can eventually find a loyal, loving companion some day. Sure does seem hopeless right now.



My sentiments exactly, Dan! Greatly like you, I really want to put mine behind me as quickly as possible and to ultimately move on in finding that one special, caring and loving woman: if that is at all possible!

Being the eternal optimist that I am though, I richly think that it is!


----------



## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Cheating is an elastic term. Is she hiding it from you or is she out in the open?


If it's out in the open, isn't it still cheating? I'd like a ruling on this one.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Good Luck.

Don't be surprised/be prepared - if when she gets served all of the sudden she does "get it" and completely loses it begging you to reconsider. May happen, may not, but be prepared. Often times seeing "DIVORCE DECREE" in black and white snaps them out of it. 

If that happens and you want to give her a shot don't fold immediately - make her earn it.


----------



## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Good Luck.
> 
> Don't be surprised/be prepared - if when she gets served all of the sudden she does "get it" and completely loses it begging you to reconsider. May happen, may not, but be prepared. Often times seeing "DIVORCE DECREE" in black and white snaps them out of it.
> 
> If that happens and you want to give her a shot don't fold immediately - make her earn it.


She was served 2 hours ago. Waiting on the aftermath...


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

There are things you know about and things you don't know about.

If the things you know she's doing bother you, imagine the things she's doing that she's not telling you.


----------



## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> There are things you know about and things you don't know about.
> 
> If the things you know she's doing bother you, imagine the things she's doing that she's not telling you.


That's exactly what got me to this point.

People on TAM are absolutely right, for true R to happen, the WS has to be completely open and honest with the BS, if there is ever to be total forgiveness and a regain of trust (not matter how much it might hurt). When the WS witholds information and the BS finds out things from other sources, it makes things 100x worse.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Dan

Good for you.

You deserve better so go find someone better.

They are out there.

Stay brave.

lose the boat anchor buddy.

HM64


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

dantheman said:


> Just need some validation here...
> 
> If a wife is talking, texing, and sending pictures (nothing nude, just her wearing different outfits like dresses, shorts, shirts) to one of her male "friends", is there really cheating?
> 
> My wife has sent me some pictures, like her making a funny face, or of her blowing me a kiss. But never of what she is wearing. Also, when we talk on the phone, its usually about 10 mins. Never a 50-70 minute phone call like with her male "friend".


If it isn't, then it is on the way there...


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Waiting to her the fall out of the service.......


----------



## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Waiting to her the fall out of the service.......


Well, she acted completely different than what I thought she would have. She came home, said nothing and went to bed. Got up this morning, got dressed and went to work.

I went into the bedroom expecting everything to be tore up or all of her clothes to be packed. Everything was still the same. I'm really baffled.


----------



## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

dantheman said:


> Well, she acted completely different than what I thought she would have. She came home, said nothing and went to bed. Got up this morning, got dressed and went to work.
> 
> I went into the bedroom expecting everything to be tore up or all of her clothes to be packed. Everything was still the same. I'm really baffled.


It hasnt hit her yet. It will. But dont be surprised if she cries about this to toxic friend and shows you an unaffected face.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

She is doing a 180 on you.


----------



## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

Just an update...

As you all know, I have a bad case of the Mr. Nice guy, and usually don't get angry.

Well, last week I filed and "supposedly" she was served on Friday. The past couple of days have been hell. She has been coming home like nothing happened. She locks the master bedroom room most of the time, where I cannot enter. She plays her stupid asian music really loud at night where my Mom and my daughter cannot sleep well most nights.

Last night I blew a head gasket. She was going back and worth to the laundry room, slamming doors and playing her music really loud. I got up, got a hammer and proceeded to take her door off the hinges. And then layed into her. Told her if she wants a fight, bring it. I have a great attorney and she won't get ****. She acted like she didn't know what I was talking about and to leave her alone or she is calling the cops. I told her go ahead, they can't stop me from taking the door off the hinges. I told her if she got a visit from someone last Friday and she said no.

I feel like I blew it last night, broke my 180, and lost control. It's hard keeping so much hurt and anger inside.

Did I screw up?


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I don't think you screwed up. Her reaction to the "service" is not what you expected.

Verify that she was served. She had to sign for it right?

If she was served, she is now playing you and it appears to be working. Be calm. Don't let her know that her behavior is getting to you.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Kick her out of the house, you do not have to put up with anything she does. Get peace of mind!


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Dan

You are doing fine. And your wife is still lying to you.

Just take the door handle off the master bedroom and turn off the circuit breaker off or the master bedroom anytime she plas the music too loud.

HM64


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

So Sad Lady said:


> My FWH had a full blown sexting affair.
> 
> It started with a former coworker texting him to see if she could use him as a reference. From there it went to friendly chats, and then she sent a pic of herself...possibly what I would've called "innocent"...but with a bit of cleavage. From there, (ya know, since I didn't give him enough sex and attention), he came back with something like - "You look great, would look better without the shirt"...
> And bam. A day later, the pix came in, and from there it was GAME ON.
> ...



sorry, I don't get it. What is the point of chasing a married man?


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> sorry, I don't get it. What is the point of chasing a married man?


The point is largely that she's either attempting to or is actually having her emotional needs met by this guy, who seemingly is taking the time to listen to her, either for her edification or even for his own. 

Whether he is married or unencumbered is of absolutely no consequences!


----------

