# Serious issue splitting a blended family that wasn’t blending - See no way out



## DAgs (7 mo ago)

Thanks everyone - long issue I want to keep brief.

Second marriage, blended family with five kids from 20 to 11. Three of mine, two of hers.

Two weeks ago my nearly 17 year old son and her nearly 15 year old daughter got in trouble together. There were legal accusations made and police involved. Both are the troublemakers in the family - my son with a temper and my step daughter with the wild side (sneaking out, drugs) but mom was in denial. 

My son had a lie detector test immediately (I insisted) and his version of the story showed the most obvious, least serious but embarrassing scenario - step siblings were messing around. However, the step daughter claimed otherwise and it has escalated and is still in process.

My wife has taken her girls and moved out of the house. We had been busy with a blended family and teens - so the 
“I haven’t been happy for years anyway” that was part of the separation was a shock.

Right now, I have been a mess for two weeks with the legal investigation with my son, the separation from my best friend, alienation from her family (I have nearly no family), and her insistence that there’s no way to fix this - and we have to immediately divorce. 

In my state, there is a one year separation required by law before divorce and I hope time provides answers. My requests to handle one issue at a time and understanding her desire to separate considering her belief of her daughter has been met with black & white absolute “It has to be divorce” response.

Also, the only path to resolution seems to be her daughter acknowledging her lies about the situation (assuming they are lies, but that’s where it appears to be heading).

We’ve been together 9 years, married seven. No real fights, drugs, cheating, etc. Just a blended family with issues between kids that would tire us out - but nothing bad between us.

I’m a mess. Thanks for any help and advice.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I don't have anything helpful to say about your situation. I'm just sorry that you're going through it. It must be very, very stressful. 😔


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m sorry to hear about your trouble. That happens more than parents like to admit. If it doesn’t personally benefit her daughter to tell the truth then I doubt she will.


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## DAgs (7 mo ago)

minimalME said:


> I don't have anything helpful to say about your situation. I'm just sorry that you're going through it. It must be very, very stressful. 😔


Thanks for the comment and support. It’s been awful.


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## DAgs (7 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> I’m sorry to hear about your trouble. That happens more than parents like to admit. If it doesn’t personally benefit her daughter to tell the truth then I doubt she will.


I’ve learned this absolutely an issue with steps. There’s an instant nodding and acknowledgment from the legal folks who seem to immediately assume that is the scenario. 

fyi - dont google “step siblings are having sex” looking for helpful resources. 😳


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

DAgs said:


> I’ve learned this absolutely an issue with steps. There’s an instant nodding and acknowledgment from the legal folks who seem to immediately assume that is the scenario.
> 
> fyi - dont google “step siblings are having sex” looking for helpful resources. 😳


Yes, it’s a fairly common problem that most parents pretend couldn’t possibly happen. And yet it does.

If your wife continues to believe her daughter, I think the two of you are likely done so I would start now making plans for a different life in case you need to do that.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If your stepdaughter accused your son of rape, whether its true or not, I don't think there's any coming back from that. You can't allow them to be anywhere near each other, for both of their safety after this. Your wife is protecting her daughter, and you need to protect your son.

I'm so sorry.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Yes, it’s a fairly common problem that most parents pretend couldn’t possibly happen. And yet it does.
> 
> If your wife continues to believe her daughter, I think the two of you are likely done so I would start now making plans for a different life in case you need to do that.


Yes. In high achool, I personally knew 3 sets of step siblings having sex. One was quite open, holding hands etc. at school. 

And unfortunately one set of adopted child and bio child/siblings where sexy stuff was going on. 

It happens a lot.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ugh.

If sex between the step-siblings has occurred, I agree with the separation.

Children and especially teens, _can be_ monsters, and only change when life repeatedy knocks them into the dirt, _after leaving the family home._

Your wife's action is reasonable, her goodbye words to you seem very uncalled for?
She is basically, blaming you for your son's behavior.
Can I assume that this is an unfair statement?

Anyway, so sorry, for your situation.

Good riddance to that proven sad, bunch!


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Man, I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't have any advice for you, but for others who may be contemplating a second marriage. Second marriages when kids are involved have a very high rate of breaking up. I've heard up to 70%. Just wait until the kids are out of the house before getting married again.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Listen dude, you're the typical male with the typical response, which is to piss in your pants, act all bend out shape with not knowing what to do. Cut that **** out. 

You should already been preparing from all possible angles your counterattacks from legal and logistics points because what you're confronting is war. You may not realize it but if you continue just acting like a messed up dude, crying and lamenting, then when you really get hit with all legal aspects, your wife and the system will chew you up and spit you out, and left broken.

Time to stand up, get the best legal representation for your divorce and for the protection of your kid. Dude, be PROACTIVE, NOT REACTIVE.

Forget about her. It's over and done. Show her you have dignity and self respect. Get ready for the next steps of your life, because it will not he with her. Just be careful around her and her narrative of the marriage. You never know but you also could be accused of all sort of things also.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

DAgs said:


> so the
> “I haven’t been happy for years anyway” that was part of the separation was a shock.





DAgs said:


> her insistence that there’s no way to fix this


Of course, because she doesn't want it "fixed"....because "fix" would require CHANGE on her part, and she wants to remain in her comfort zone, which includes blaming you.

This is "blame-shifting".... ignore it. It's a way of blaming YOU for 100% of the problem, instead of owning her 50% of the problem. Move on. Get an attorney. NOW. Protect your son. And, yourself, from getting taken to the cleaners, financially.



Diceplayer said:


> others who may be contemplating a second marriage. Second marriages when kids are involved have a very high rate of breaking up. I've heard up to 70%.


That is wise and sage advice. Basically, blended families......don't blend very well. That is because the parents come into the marriage with another "higher" (but wholly unbiblical) priority than each other. The only marriages which WORK are those where husband and wife put EACH OTHER as the highest priority. Kids must come second. Kids will have their opportunities to live THEIR OWN lives. This life is for, and about, the PARENTS life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would say it's a good thing they left. Your son could end up in real trouble if they came back and the girl lied.


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