# How much privacy can one reasonably expect?



## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

My fiancee and I have been having some on-going arguments over how much privacy is okay. We've been together for three years and are going to get married this summer. Our relationship has a fairly complicated background. She was the OW in my first marriage. So I do have a history of cheating. I haven't cheated on my fiancee and I have changed and grown as a person. I am reasonably certain she has never cheated on me. But the history is there and I think she does have some doubts about my faithfulness because of it. 

We had a blow up about this a while ago and I gave her all of my passwords and passcodes. As time as progressed I have sort of come to reget that. I'm not doing anything unethical but the lack of privacy is annoying (for lack of a better word). I know she reads my emails on occasion and I hate to have to censure myself knowing that someone else is looking in. 

Case in point. A co-worker of mine gave birth to her child and she lost a lot of weight. I made an innocent comment congratulating her on looking so good so soon after the birth in an email. My fiancee took this the wrong way and seemed to think I was either flirting with this woman or back-handedly insulting her. 

I've been really careful not to complain about this too much since its a relatively minor thing. Everything else in our relationship is very positive and good and I don't want to throw a fit over something this minor. I've been in worse relationships. It is flattering to some degree that she cares so much. But it is a little invasive too. 

I guess my question is how much privacy should one expect when in a committed relationship? Is giving the other partner your passwords too much or is normal?


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> My fiancee and I have been having some on-going arguments over how much privacy is okay. We've been together for three years and are going to get married this summer. Our relationship has a fairly complicated background. She was the OW in my first marriage. So I do have a history of cheating. I haven't cheated on my fiancee and I have changed and grown as a person. I am reasonably certain she has never cheated on me. But the history is there and I think she does have some doubts about my faithfulness because of it.
> 
> We had a blow up about this a while ago and I gave her all of my passwords and passcodes. As time as progressed I have sort of come to reget that. I'm not doing anything unethical but the lack of privacy is annoying (for lack of a better word). I know she reads my emails on occasion and I hate to have to censure myself knowing that someone else is looking in.
> 
> ...



That neither of you trust one another should have been expected for your situation. What did you think??? That a relationship built on lies would encourage trust? :scratchhead:

Yes for your situation I think that you should allow her to have your passwords for as long as she needs it until she stops second guessing your actions. And the same goes for her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why do you even need privacy in a marriage? 

I mean, when I ever I have secrets then privacy is pretty important, other then that whats it matter?

My W likes to shut the restroom door when she need to take a dumb, but other then that....with nothing to hide then whats the point in privacy in a commited relationship?

The point to all this is there is no privacy in a healthy relationship...enless you work for the CIA then maybe theres the exception to this rule


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## foreversomeoneelse (Apr 15, 2012)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> My fiancee and I have been having some on-going arguments over how much privacy is okay. We've been together for three years and are going to get married this summer. Our relationship has a fairly complicated background. She was the OW in my first marriage. So I do have a history of cheating. I haven't cheated on my fiancee and I have changed and grown as a person. I am reasonably certain she has never cheated on me. But the history is there and I think she does have some doubts about my faithfulness because of it.
> 
> We had a blow up about this a while ago and I gave her all of my passwords and passcodes. As time as progressed I have sort of come to reget that. I'm not doing anything unethical but the lack of privacy is annoying (for lack of a better word). I know she reads my emails on occasion and I hate to have to censure myself knowing that someone else is looking in.
> 
> ...


I am a long-time lurker and signed up just to answer your post.

She is suspicious of you because your first wife offed herself over you, her and your mutual child together. 
As others have said many times before, your relationship is built on disaster (aka the suicide of your first wife).

After you've reassured that Emily would never cheat on you or you on her (even though you slept with your wife 3 times while with Emily and Emily doesnt know that, so you already cheated on her), we now see the truth:

Your new wife doesnt trust you. Rightfully so.

Your relationship is built on a nightmare. You have actually made many other members physically ill (according to their own words) with your story.

Its poetic justice you come back here with more trouble. You wouldnt believe it when you were told it would not be smooth sailing from now on.

THere you have it, honey bun.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

The real issue that you cheated and she knows that you are a cheater. You know that her morals suck as well since she was willing to participate in homewrecking. What I don't understand is why she would be stupid enough to want to marry you when she knows just how much you value marital vows.

You two are doomed and no amount of transparency is going to make you trust each other.


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

> That neither of you trust one another should have been expected for your situation. What did you think??? That a relationship built on lies would encourage trust?


For what its worth I do trust her. The affair portion of our relationship is quite a bit in the past. We've been together for a while now and our relationship works. I don't know why the consensus seems to be an affair can never turn into a healthy relationship. I'm going to try to stick on topic but I think that is a bit unfair of a charge. 



> The point to all this is there is no privacy in a healthy relationship.


I want to do what it takes for her to be comfortable. I just wasn't sure if this was normal. I guess maybe it isn't that big of a deal. 

I have her passwords as well but I don't really check up on her anywhere as frequently as she does on me.


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

I probably should start a new account when posting about my banal relationship issues. Its kind of unfair to have my past brought up in every single new post I make. I feel awful about it. It was a horrible mistake that haunts me. It does not define me though. 



> The real issue that you cheated and she knows that you are a cheater. You know that her morals suck as well since she was willing to participate in homewrecking. What I don't understand is why she would be stupid enough to want to marry you when she knows just how much you value marital vows.
> 
> You two are doomed and no amount of transparency is going to make you trust each other.


We have a child together. Respectfully I do not think we are doomed. Our relationship works. We are good parents and we both are in general happy with our lives together. 

I don't subscribe to "once a cheater, always a cheater". There were extraordinary circumstances in my first marriage. I made horrible life altering mistakes. I know the costs of my decisions and I could not fathom repeating those decisions. 



> After you've reassured that Emily would never cheat on you or you on her (even though you slept with your wife 3 times while with Emily and Emily doesnt know that, so you already cheated on her), we now see the truth:
> 
> Your new wife doesnt trust you. Rightfully so.


Honestly I regret ever mentioning that. It was so long in the past and so meaningless. I was in a horrible place and I was able to rationalize all sorts of awful things I did. I am not going to cause undue pain and suffering to my fiancee over something that already happened. We are in a good place now. Bringing that back up would be a poor decision on my part. 



> Your relationship is built on a nightmare. You have actually made many other members physically ill (according to their own words) with your story.


No one was forced to read my depressing life story. I didn't even want to finish writing it because of the response. People ASKED me to finish so I did. It was painful for me to go and relive. I am sorry if I caused anyone else pain. I am just a human being. I am not a monster.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

To the OP, I have read through most of your threads.

Yes, there have been many mistakes in your past. I truly hope you have learnt from them and understood what's happened, and what you can do in your life for the future to be better for everyone.

If you're wife committed suicide, yes you may have been the cause of her pain, but that is a decision she made for herself. I'm not going in to my life situations or feelings, but I do know that adults are responsible for their own actions.

Moving on with the OW, chances are it won't work. Now you have a daughter so I hope you can make a family together. There's a lot of history, negative history so it's tough. I can't imagine yours in a union supported by many. No, your daughter does not need to know about your wife. How is that going to affect her life? No more victims needed.

I don't know if you are a troll, nor do I care. It's too hard to decipher on these boards. But just know that you posting here, you are not going to get the advice that you need. People are going to judge you, run you down and aren't interested in your problems with the OW. Is that fair? No. But not everyone on this board is fair. You have already been judged on this board by some as pretty much you're getting what you deserve, and you're a terrible person.

I would suggest to other posters that if you don't have any actual advice to offer the OP, don't post. He's been attacked 100 times with other threads about his situation. He knows. He gets it. It's not going to accomplish anything other than making yourself heard.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First, in marriage you should WANT no privacy, this is your life partner. If you can't trust here with what you are writing and saying, well then you need to think about what that means and what you are saying.

Second, on this case she also has very good reasons never to trust you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

Wow. This thread got cleaned up overnight. Thankfully. 



> If you can't trust here with what you are writing and saying, well then you need to think about what that means and what you are saying.


Fair enough. Was the complement I gave really out of line? It was a simple remark on weight loss. There were no ulterior motives and I wasn't trying to flirt or do anything like that. 



> Second, on this case she also has very good reasons never to trust you


Okay. I was concerned maybe I was making too big a deal of the whole privacy situation. It looks like that concern was valid. I'll do my best to drop it. Thanks


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> My fiancee and I have been having some on-going arguments over how much privacy is okay. We've been together for three years and are going to get married this summer. Our relationship has a fairly complicated background. She was the OW in my first marriage. So I do have a history of cheating. I haven't cheated on my fiancee and I have changed and grown as a person. I am reasonably certain she has never cheated on me. But the history is there and I think she does have some doubts about my faithfulness because of it.
> 
> We had a blow up about this a while ago and I gave her all of my passwords and passcodes. As time as progressed I have sort of come to reget that. I'm not doing anything unethical but the lack of privacy is annoying (for lack of a better word). I know she reads my emails on occasion and I hate to have to censure myself knowing that someone else is looking in.
> 
> ...


Do you have her passwords and such too? I think that the transparency should extend both ways.

I think that you and your fiancee should sit down together before you marry and have a frank discussion about each of your respective boundaries... where DO both of you stand in regards to how much privacy you would both like and come to some kind of agreement.

Personally, I don't have a problem with extending my passwords and accounts to my husband, and he likewise does the same. In that regard, we have very open transparency. Occasionally, we hit some bumps in the road that cause us to discuss things and re-evaluate. That is only natural as your relationship grows and changes over time.

Since both you and your fiancee have a history together that does encompass some amount of a lack of trust, it may be that you both will have to cut each other some slack and be even more transparent with each other.

I also wanted to comment on the comment you made to a co-worker. I personally do think that was an inappropriate remark to make. Things of an extremely personal nature ... such as about a person's appearance ... are usually much better left unsaid. When at work, compliment about work and business and leave the personal things out.. a simple "Congratulations to you AND YOUR HUSBAND on your baby" would be sufficient. imho. 

Best wishes.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

My wife was once my mistress and it does exasperate trust issues.

I simply remain completely transparent in every regard.
I`ve never had a problem with it nor do I feel as if I need to censor myself.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

OP,

I was pretty rough on you in your other threads and for that I do apologize.

I have always maintained that there is no privacy in a marriage. Every action will in some way affect your spouse regardless of how trivial it may seem at the time. My wife Morrigan and I share everything. We each have each other's passwords, access to email, Facebook, cell phones etc. It gives us both a lot of comfort to know that we share everything equally with nothing ever hidden.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> My fiancee and I have been having some on-going arguments over how much privacy is okay. We've been together for three years and are going to get married this summer. Our relationship has a fairly complicated background. She was the OW in my first marriage. So I do have a history of cheating. I haven't cheated on my fiancee and I have changed and grown as a person. I am reasonably certain she has never cheated on me. But the history is there and I think she does have some doubts about my faithfulness because of it.
> 
> We had a blow up about this a while ago and I gave her all of my passwords and passcodes. As time as progressed I have sort of come to reget that. I'm not doing anything unethical but the lack of privacy is annoying (for lack of a better word). I know she reads my emails on occasion and I hate to have to censure myself knowing that someone else is looking in.
> 
> ...


No privacy. No secrets. Just transparency. I think one should be able to have privacy in the restroom.


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## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> My fiancee and I have been having some on-going arguments over how much privacy is okay. We've been together for three years and are going to get married this summer. Our relationship has a fairly complicated background. She was the OW in my first marriage. So I do have a history of cheating. I haven't cheated on my fiancee and I have changed and grown as a person. I am reasonably certain she has never cheated on me. But the history is there and I think she does have some doubts about my faithfulness because of it.
> 
> We had a blow up about this a while ago and I gave her all of my passwords and passcodes. As time as progressed I have sort of come to reget that. I'm not doing anything unethical but the lack of privacy is annoying (for lack of a better word). I know she reads my emails on occasion and I hate to have to censure myself knowing that someone else is looking in.
> 
> ...


Privacy in the rest room only:smthumbup:
Stop thinking like a single man:scratchhead:


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## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

People forfeight their single life when they commit to marriage.
A lot of people are not willing to accept transparency because there is usually an issue lurking in the background. In my case it was my STBXH's ex gf been emailing, phoning, texting throughout our marriage. it would not have been such a big if it had not have been hat he wanted it to be so secret. Not Good IMO.


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

> Do you have her passwords and such too? I think that the transparency should extend both ways.


I do have her passwords. I think I've checked one time. I trust her and I am not exactly going to go looking for pain. I would check if I had a reason to be suspicious. I don't so I don't check. 



> I also wanted to comment on the comment you made to a co-worker. I personally do think that was an inappropriate remark to make. Things of an extremely personal nature ... such as about a person's appearance ... are usually much better left unsaid. When at work, compliment about work and business and leave the personal things out.. a simple "Congratulations to you AND YOUR HUSBAND on your baby" would be sufficient. imho.


There was no intention to be inappropriate. I didn't think twice about it. I think she read it similarly to you. I'll probably go with something like what you recommended in the future



> I was pretty rough on you in your other threads and for that I do apologize.


I remember. No foul. I am fine with some shots at myself. What I did was horrible and since it is in my post history I can understand people having some discomfort over my past actions. There is a limit to what I think is fair. A lot of the comments that got wiped on this thread were just way too mean-spirited. I'm a changed person. 



> Privacy in the rest room only





> People forfeight their single life when they commit to marriage.





> No privacy. No secrets. Just transparency. I think one should be able to have privacy in the restroom.


I suppose that is the best policy for a marriage that avoids secrets. Its just hard for me to not want a little bit of private time and space. It isn't from a desire to do anything wrong but just for space. 

To be fair I don't think I have ever really been single as an adult. So I have no clue what constitutes the single life.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I agree with the others--privacy is for the bathroom only. Because of your history, your wife needs lots of reassurance that you are being faithful to her. After a few years she may relax and give you more space when she completely trusts that you are not stepping outside of your marriage.

I do not look at my husband's emails. I do have all of his passwords, and he has all of mine. If I ever did have a reason to distrust him, I would look at all of his communications. Since he gives me no reason to snoop, I do not do it. Trust must be earned, and once it is lost, it takes a long time to rebuild.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is how our marraige is.. I wouldn't expect anything less from any partner...there is not a thing forced , neither do we feel our privacy is being invaded...ever.... we are not even running around checking each others stuff .....it is all a willing / wanting to share and bare it all...just cause we ENJOY it ! 

It makes for some darn interesting conversations , maybe even a little conflict sometimes, but that leads to even more understanding ...and make up sex ! It's all gooood.  

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...parency-what-means-our-marraige-what-you.html

.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> I do have her passwords. I think I've checked one time. I trust her and I am not exactly going to go looking for pain. I would check if I had a reason to be suspicious. I don't so I don't check.


A reason for suspicion is not the purpose of transparency. The purpose for transparency is to insure assure your fiance (and she insure and assure you) on a regular basis. The purpose is to be an open book in your relationship, and therefore be welcome to look whenever either of you please. That you wait for a reason for suspicion is not a standard she has to live by, nor should you expect her to. But oops, she looks, so now you don't want to live up to your transparency agreement and came here for argument material to get yourself out of it.



WhoHaveIBecome said:


> There was no intention to be inappropriate. I didn't think twice about it. I think she read it similarly to you. I'll probably go with something like what you recommended in the future
> 
> I remember. No foul. I am fine with some shots at myself. What I did was horrible and since it is in my post history I can understand people having some discomfort over my past actions. There is a limit to what I think is fair. A lot of the comments that got wiped on this thread were just way too mean-spirited. I'm a changed person.


No, dear sir, you are not a changed person. I just came into this thread, so I didn't see any of the other comments that got wiped. They may have been mean-spirited, but I dare say not without cause. You certainly give me cause to express you have not changed at all. You live life by your own rules, which are no rules at all. It actually seems like you lack depth and are a very shallow person. That wasn't a personal insult. I'm talking about your way of thinking and how your actions follow. It appears you are unable to grasp the serious nature of a situation except how it relates to you and how you feel about it, with no forethought or concern for how your actions affect other people. 

First case in point is you cared less about hurting your wife by having a mistress. Then, you cheated on both the wife and the mistress.

Second case in point was how guilty you felt about your wife committing suicide, but how other people felt about the suicide does not concern you in the least. Your wife left family and friends - people who loved her, people who have a right to feel you do not deserve a lifetime of happiness with your mistress. People who do not think your mistress should be rewarded with your wife's death AND becoming your new wife. Yet, there is this wedding soon to come. 

I shutter to think your wife had any children or that you and she had had any together. I just don't recall if you ever mentioned children before. This wedding and marriage will be disastrous for them even if they cannot express it. Your wife was their mother. They deserve better than you continually ignoring their needs and their feelings so you can keep on living your life however you please with no consideration whatsoever for them having lost their mother over you and this woman.

Third case in point, you refuse to tell the mistress/finace that you cheated on her. It is your decision she doesn't need to know. But, she does need to know. She deserves to know so as to make her OWN decisions. Yes, it will hurt her tremendously. But, you don't want to have to go through that. You'd rather avoid the fallout altogether, so you make sure you don't have to face it. But, it's not up to you to decide for her. You are doing the exact same thing again. You think everything is okay because it's not about you cheating right now or having cheated with anyone else. It's not okay in any case to make decisions for someone's life.

Fourth case in point is the remark you made in email to the co-worker. Again, not okay, but as usual you do whatever you want to do. One thing is you knew full well your fiance can and does read any time she wants. You know there was a great possibility she would read that one, too. Again, you did not care. What is more? You admit you don't want to care, that you don't want to HAVE to care. All you know; all you care about is not having to face the music. Your promise of transparency is only good for as long as such time that you don't want to have to be transparent. So, you came here for argument material.

The second thing about the email is you might convince someone that you had no intent to be inappropriate in any way, but I will not fall for that. You knew full well exactly how wrong you were to make such a remark to that woman. You knew full well exactly how inappropriate were your words. In this day and age of the year 2012, there does not exist a work place and absolutely no member of a workforce who is not fully aware of Sexual Harassment and all the aspects involved, in this case particularly hostile environment. I am not so stupid as your fiance or anyone else who fell for your exclamations of innocence. You knew what you were doing. True to being you as usual, you simply did not care. You wanted to drop that into that woman's ear. You wanted to place yourself on her mind. For what reasons, I certainly don't know at this point, but I have no doubt we will hear all about it in your next chapter.......under a different name of course since your one and only concern is to avoid facing any of the music.

Frankly, I believe you wanted your fiance to see that email. I think you want her to save you from yourself no matter how badly it hurts her. I don't believe you are able to bring yourself to call off the wedding. You can't let her know the kind of guy you really are by actually coming out and telling her like that. The same is the reason you won't tell her about cheating with your wife. You readily confess your mistakes of the past now that they are in the past. You profess to being a changed man. You tell her you love her and promise to never hurt her, but you have to make sure she knows. You either don't want this wedding, or you don't want to have to explain your future transgressions. You are trying to set it all up in advance so you will later be able to fall back on telling her "You knew what kind of guy you were marrying."

You keep saying over and over you have changed, but you haven't changed at all. The only lesson you learned was that you have to be more secretive and cunning. Confessing you made mistakes and adjusting what you think of yourself do not mean you have changed. You just keep doing the same things and living your life however you please.



WhoHaveIBecome said:


> I suppose that is the best policy for a marriage that avoids secrets. Its just hard for me to not want a little bit of private time and space. It isn't from a desire to do anything wrong but just for space.


No desire to do anything wrong so long as you are able to do wrong when you desire. You agree to anything, say anything to keep the peace for the moment and make your fiance think you are some great guy. Again, your promise of transparency is only good for as long as such time that you don't want to have to be transparent.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sounds like she doesn't trust you. 

I know in my marriage, we're open books. Well, NOW we are...after going through our separation last summer.

Add kids to the mix and I can't even poop without an audience and an applause.


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

> Sounds like she doesn't trust you.


I would say that is fair. I really hoped she would by now. I have been transparent and honest to a fault with her. At the same time I do understand why she wouldn't trust me fully. I do have a track record with this. 



River1977 said:


> Second case in point was how guilty you felt about your wife committing suicide, but how other people felt about the suicide does not concern you in the least. Your wife left family and friends - people who loved her, people who have a right to feel you do not deserve a lifetime of happiness with your mistress. People who do not think your mistress should be rewarded with your wife's death AND becoming your new wife. Yet, there is this wedding soon to come.


That isn't a fair charge. I know my ex-wife left a lot of people that care about her and miss her. I am very cognizant of moving too soon. I'm not sure if you know my full story but there are some complications that forced me to make the decisions I made (namely our child). The motivation was never to spite my ex-wife and her family. I know they hate me for doing what I did and I struggle with trying to make it right with them. 

I understand that people would feel I don't deserve happiness. I know sometimes I feel like that. But I have to move on. Its been 16 months from my late wife's death. At some point I think I am allowed to remarry and do whats best for my new family. 



River1977 said:


> I shutter to think your wife had any children or that you and she had had any together. I just don't recall if you ever mentioned children before. This wedding and marriage will be disastrous for them even if they cannot express it. Your wife was their mother. They deserve better than you continually ignoring their needs and their feelings so you can keep on living your life however you please with no consideration whatsoever for them having lost their mother over you and this woman.


This whole paragraph while good intentioned is completely off-base. I don't expect everyone to know my life story but there were no children from my first marriage. I have done everything for my one child from my fiancee. I would never ignore her needs or feelings. I've done what is best for my daughter at the expense of my ex-wife and my own personal benefit. I wouldn't dispute that I was a terrible husband but I take pride in being a good father to my daughter. 




River1977 said:


> Fourth case in point is the remark you made in email to the co-worker. Again, not okay, but as usual you do whatever you want to do. One thing is you knew full well your fiance can and does read any time she wants. You know there was a great possibility she would read that one, too. Again, you did not care. What is more? You admit you don't want to care, that you don't want to HAVE to care. All you know; all you care about is not having to face the music. Your promise of transparency is only good for as long as such time that you don't want to have to be transparent. So, you came here for argument material.
> 
> The second thing about the email is you might convince someone that you had no intent to be inappropriate in any way, but I will fall for that. You knew full well exactly how wrong you were to make such a remark to that woman. You knew full well exactly how inappropriate were your words. In this day and age of the year 2012, there does not exist a work place and absolutely no member of a workforce who is not fully aware of Sexual Harassment and all the aspects involved, in this case particularly hostile environment. I am not so stupid as your fiance or anyone else who fell for your exclamations of innocence. You knew what you were doing. True to being you as usual, you simply did not care. You wanted to drop that into that woman's ear. You wanted to place yourself on her mind. For what reasons, I certainly don't know at this point, but I have no doubt we will hear all about it in your next chapter.......under a different name of course since your one and only concern is to avoid facing any of the music.
> 
> Frankly, I believe you wanted your fiance to see that email. I think you want her to save you from yourself no matter how badly it hurts her. I don't believe you are able to bring yourself to call off the wedding. You can't let her know the kind of guy you really are by actually coming out and telling her like that. The same is the reason you won't tell her about cheating with your wife. You readily confess your mistakes of the past now that they are in the past. You profess to being a changed man. You tell her you love her and promise to never hurt her, but you have to make sure she knows. You either don't want this wedding, or you don't want to have to explain your future transgressions. You are trying to set it all up in advance so you will later be able to fall back on telling her "You knew what kind of guy you were marrying."


It wasn't sexual harassment. All I said was that she didn't look like she just had a baby and I was congratulating her on losing the baby weight. I know she didn't take it as harassment and she thanked me for the complement. I probably shouldn't have said it in retrospect. I was just trying to be nice. It may have been too much. But I was not harassing her. I genuinely had no further goals by making the remark. I didn't even think twice about making it until my fiancee mentioned it. 

I did not want or not want my fiancee to see that email. She hadn't mentioned any of my emails/text messages for some time so I honestly didn't even think about her reading anything. 

The last thing I want to do is call off the wedding. I proposed to her after waiting for quite a while because I wasn't sure if I was ready for marriage. I feel like I am ready to try again. 

I've taken my lumps from other users for my history. But I have never posted under a different name. 

I'd rather not get into the situation with my ex-wife and whether that is cheating or not. I've made my points multiple times in previous posts. I'm not going to tell my fiancee about that. For better or worse. 



> Because of your history, your wife needs lots of reassurance that you are being faithful to her. After a few years she may relax and give you more space when she completely trusts that you are not stepping outside of your marriage.


I will try to be more understanding. I think it was just a reflex reaction to not having privacy. I am being faithful to her and I would never step out on her or our family. Not after what I've been through.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> I've taken my lumps from other users for my history. But I have never posted under a different name.


Umm, huh? Really so very shallow in your responses. The quote above is a good example. I was referring to your early respone where you referred to changing your name to avoid constantly being judged. That was not hardly the biggest or the most obvious or the most important example of your lack of depth. It was actually the easiest one to show you what I'm talking about. 

Ahh, never mind. You'll never get it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> Case in point. A co-worker of mine gave birth to her child and she lost a lot of weight. I made an innocent comment congratulating her on looking so good so soon after the birth in an email. My fiancee took this the wrong way and seemed to think I was either flirting with this woman or back-handedly insulting her.


I remember you WhoHaveIBecome! I was giving you the benefit of the doubt in your very very very tragic story, I accually "felt "for you. Sorry you are having these problems now. 

See... what you said right here.... I think when you KNOW your spouse so damn well, these things are simply not an issue. If my husband sent an email , yes, even to a female like this, I can't see him doing it though- just because he hardly uses email ! But if he got one 1st , I wouldn't be bothered by this, Heck if some woman dropped alot of lbs, why not compliment her, It just wouldn't bother me. But that is me. 

Can you share with us the full context comment ?? ... I would say however.... depending on HOW it was worded... could raise some female feathers. 

The more "open book" transparency one has, the more freedom a marraige can generally handle with the opposite sex....that is how *WE* are. My husband will tell me anytime a woman wants to friend him on FB, or if he gets a comment, it just works that way...and from my end oh goodness yes! Generally neither of us go looking for friends, we wait for them to ask us (just how we are - but both sexes are OK with us). Any funny /odd / questionable comments from anyone... it is out of his mouth, same with me, we are generally in the same room when we are on the computers anyway. 

It flows like that. We never had a breach in trust though....I know this helps! (30 yrs is a long long time). I am sure this makes it easier, time behind your relationship is very "building" in many ways. 

I would feel when a relationship is formed out of a "breaking of trust"....it is so much more of an uphill battle to rest in these things, there is an immediate *INSECURITY* there....and you both need to be very sensitive in this. IT is going to require even more openess than normal, more understanding, and obviously some ....*verbal agreed upon boundaries *....with the opposite sex. 

As you LIVE & honor your agreed upon boundaries before her...maybe those can loosen up a little as the years roll past..... as the trust grows, as she can feel your heart for her beating at every turn. 

Let me use Facebook as an example:


*1.* Some marraiges do not even allow Facebook, they think it is the inviting the Devil into their marraige & it will crumble just using it. A ton of threads like that here. 

*2.* Some allow Facebook accounts ....But agree that adding opposite sex friends are forbidden.... even Co-workers , that is how they keep the devil from rearing his head..... they already see that as a slippery slope. (my husband works with a man whose wife has this belief)

*3.* Some allow opposite sex friends / co-workers but NO Private messages allowed... that is their agreed upon marital boundary, and they trust each other to honor that. 

*4. *And some...like our marriage...it is all allowed, even Private messages ... but like I say... .we just talk about it all to each other...cause we want too! For example we took a trip to Disney last year, this one guy my husband works with goes every year, me & him had a # of private messages back & forth.... all Disney related. There was a little joking here & there too, but it was nothing. My husband told me to ask him! And his wife is the same as us, she didn't care, he is good at explaining- I got what I wanted, it was all good... ready for Disney! 

Your fiance is not comfortable with private messages of any sort with women.... there is your answer. It is very important to agree on these things in a relationship ... or the trust issues will continue. Even if it all was as innocent as innocent can be... it is an issue for her.


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## wifewifewife (Apr 8, 2012)

I'd just like to say that although people say that once a cheater, always a cheater, I can testify that is not necessarily true. Each relationship is different. Just because you were a cheater in your last marriage and your current wife was the other woman does not mean that your marriage is doomed and that the behavior will be repeated. There are many reasons for affairs, and some of those are unique to a particular relationship. I wish you well. (Been there, done that.) As for the privacy issue, I think a certain amount of privacy is a good thing, but when it comes to email and cell phones, my husband is welcome to take a look anytime. If I tried to keep him away from my email or cell phone, he'd sure wonder why. Since he knows he's welcome to take a look, he isn't that interested.


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Can you share with us the full context comment ?? ... I would say however.... depending on HOW it was worded... could raise some female feathers.


It was just in an email back and forth that had gotten off topic. My coworker asked something about my daughter and we were talking about our kids. She mentioned that her child was like 6 weeks old. I gave her a complement on losing the weight so quickly. I really was not trying to flirt with this woman. She is married. I was just paying her a complement. Nothing more. 

I think maybe my fiancee took it personally since she may have seen it as a jab on her not losing weight post-baby. That wasn't my intention at all. 

With regard to facebook friends/messages/comments. I think not having any facebook friends or friends of the opposite sex is a bit extreme of a standard. I wouldn't have any issue with my fiancee messaging men or women. I trust her though and sometimes I feel like she doesn't trust me to the same extent. 

I would probably refuse to remove all my female friends or anything like that. That is too much in my opinion. 

I do let her read everything I write. I can't say I love that she reads it all (thus this thread) but I am transparent with her. I want to do what it takes to make her comfortable. I guess I will pose the question to her on what she wants me to do regarding private messages & emails.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> I think maybe my fiancee took it personally since she may have seen it as a jab on her not losing weight post-baby. That wasn't my intention at all.


 It would make sense that this caused an insecurity to rise within her. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong though, or your motives were to flirt with this (married) woman. 



> I do let her read everything I write. I can't say I love that she reads it all (thus this thread) but I am transparent with her. I want to do what it takes to make her comfortable. I guess I will pose the question to her on what she wants me to do regarding private messages & emails.


 sounds like a good plan. :smthumbup:

Maybe she should get an account on here & post too! 

Always love it when both participate in a thread...on an issue they are struggling to solve. So helpful to hear both sides to a dilemma. As listeners here at TAM....there is always a little reserve in the back of our heads, wondering if the Poster is painting himself/herself in a better light than the full truth.... we are always trying to guess how the other "feels". 

So when both participate, this can blow it all of this speculation out of the water. When both are open to the advice given here, humble and receptive..... it would be like getting a taste of what happens in Marraige Counseling, getting these issues on the table...with help in understanding each others side...hopefully leading to "resolution" and peace with each other.


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## clenzemary (Feb 12, 2012)

Partners in a serious relationship are meant to be 100% open to each other. Is that the case with your relationship especially from your partner's end having demanded her own right in this regards? Your partner does not trust you with other women because of how she made you to be unfaithful to your last wife.You therefore have to work hard at it to gain her confidence. Can you afford to keep this tempo for the rest of your relationship and even marriage.This and other factors should guide your decision as to whether to go ahead or not in the relationship .


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