# I need help - emotional affair



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Last week I caught my wife engaging in an emotional affair with a coworker (she denies anything physical, whatever). Naked pictures, flirty conversations (that she actually sent back to herself to re-read, that's how she got caught!). This has gone on for nine months.

It's not all her fault. She has dealt with an unhappy man for many years. That doesn't excuse her behavior but I understand why things unraveled. I neglected her, I didn't pay any attention...we were basically roommates for so long. She played the mother role and I just took her for granted. Her inability to communicate and express her feelings didn't help matters.

We have a beautiful toddler. He's our world and our #1 priority.

I retaliated. I know, bad. I told her. Our marriage is on life support.

I'm not sure I can forgive her. I know my retaliation was due in part to the anger; almost hoping that doing something stupid in return would allow me to forgive her. It did, for a few hours, and then I went back to hating her for what she did.

I'm not sure I can forgive her. Some of her answers lead me to believe that she still has feelings for this scumbag at work. I think it may be time to let go or as a last resort - see other people. I wonder if seeing other people would give us any clarity on our future or just muddy the waters.

Any and all advice is appreciated. I just found this forum last night. I'm so happy it exists and you are all here. Please help.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Can you elaborate on "retaliated"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Not enough information. Does she want to save the marriage? How old are you? Has she quit the job? Is he married? etc.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Can you elaborate on "retaliated"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A woman from the Internet. I don't know her, I'll never see her again, I don't care to see her again. No oral, no intercourse. Sorry, trying not to be too vulgar.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Not enough information. Does she want to save the marriage? How old are you? Has she quit the job? Is he married? etc.


She's remorseful and seems to want to save the marriage but has failed some of my "tests". For example, when I threw out "maybe we should see other people", she seemed open to it. I then asked her if she would see the guy from work and she said yes. I'm also not sure I want to save it too. There's part of me that does need to reconnect with my old self that I used to know. There's part of me that wants to see other women and experience butterflies again.

She also explained that she wants to get what we used to have (way back in college) back. I told her that I don't think that's realistic. I'm not sure I believe that the "butterflies" can last forever or return.

We're in our mid 30's. I'm on short-term disability now due to my depression but hoping to return to work soon. She has continued working. 

Her co-worker is not married. He does have a girlfriend, though.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

She MUST quit her job and find another one in order for her to go NC with the OM. That is a requirement.

And I betting that 99.99 percent sure that this has already gone to PA, not just EA. Think about it. How many coworkers exchange nude pictures if they weren't already physically intimate. I know I don't exchange naked pictures with my female coworkers.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> She MUST quit her job and find another one in order for her to go NC with the OM. That is a requirement.
> 
> And I betting that 99.99 percent sure that this has already gone to PA, not just EA. Think about it. How many coworkers exchange nude pictures if they weren't already physically intimate. I know I don't exchange naked pictures with my female coworkers.


She already stated that she won't quit. I can't totally disagree with her here. We both have jobs that pay well...hers is exceptionally well. You have to remember, we have a child, or otherwise I could make that ultimatum. So, for the sake of our child, she needs to keep her job and help support.

In regards to your 99% comment. I agree. And I have made that clear to her. I'm no dummy. I'm not going to sit here and take her word at face value. I said - it started with flirty text, then he wanted naked pics, obviously the next step is physical. Regardless if it happened or not, in my mind it has and that's enough.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You are both playing games with each other. Games need to stop. Stop looking for revenge hook ups. Stop suggesting you both should see other people, then get angry when she agrees.

If you two are truly into each other, and I have my doubts, the games need to stop. She needs to cut off all contact from OM. It has crossed the line where it can be ignored, with naked pics. And I assume it went physical, if there were naked pics.

Not sure if she is even into you. Look up the 180. Treat her as a business partner that happens to be the mother of your child. See how she reacts. Though her reaction to you telling her to stop seeing OM and her reaction to you suggestion you have an open marriage tells you everything you need to know. Sorry man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

smileandlaugh said:


> She already stated that she won't quit. I can't totally disagree with her here. We both have jobs that pay well...hers is exceptionally well. You have to remember, we have a child, or otherwise I could make that ultimatum. So, for the sake of our child, she needs to keep her job and help support.


Then you have to decide if money is worth more than your marriage. Its up to you. If your material things and is more important to you than so be it. Her refusing to quit proves that she is NOT remorseful. Crying a few tears is NOT remorse because its just crocodile tears.

You are NOT the first man with be cheated on with kids. I have two. Divorce to me, would mean financial devastation. It would mean bankruptcy, foreclosure on the house, etc, etc. Yet I am willing to walk away because I respect myself. If my wife was having a workplace affair, she would quit her job and find another one. There would be NO negotiation on that.

If she can't find another job somewhere else, then you can basically live as a cuckold because the affair is going to continue. Its your choice if you want to continue to live this way.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the two books linked to below. The link is for barnes and noble.....bookstores are on hardtimes.

You can also get them at amazon and they can be downloaded in an emergency.

NOT JUST FRIENDS is for you both.

MMSLP is just for you, its not a sex manual. Its purpose is to put the spark back into your marriage. It will probably explain how you got here.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What is the company policy on their affair?


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

She sends nude pictures to this guy. What does that tell you. To me she's giving him a preview of the next step which is sleeping with the guy. 

Then she tells you she wont quit so that means that she still wants to see the guy.

Then she likes the idea of an open marriage that you suggested and she liked the idea.

With all of that on your plate, what is there to save? She's disrespected you from one end to the other and expects you to accept it.

If it was me, she would get a real big wake up call. When she's at work, have her served with divorce papers, then find out who the guy is and report them both to management and let his girlfriend know what kind of guy she got mixed up with. 

Maybe your marriage wont last but she's going to have to come to grips with the fact that she just can't have the luxury of being married and having a spare guy on the side.

Yeah, you have a child and you can still be a good dad to your kid and not live under the same roof. There are a lot of people on this forum that can tell you the same thing because were living it or have lived through it. 

Time for you to let her know that you wont put up with her cheating and there is a serious consequence for her behavior and until you do, your going to stay in this rut. 

Your the only one that can do anything about it. If she wakes up and truly shows remorse, you can call of the divorce but for her to wake up, she needs a good shock to the system.


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

smileandlaugh said:


> Last week I caught my wife engaging in an emotional affair with a coworker (she denies anything physical, whatever). Naked pictures, flirty conversations (that she actually sent back to herself to re-read, that's how she got caught!). This has gone on for nine months.


An EA!? 
Nude pictures / 9 months!! / conversations / wont do NC / refuses to change jobs !!

Sorry she's doing him and has been for a while 



smileandlaugh said:


> It's not all her fault.


Course not


Gonna be hard to get this back


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So here's the thing: by retaliating you have given up the moral high ground and have no more right to be angry, because you did it too and paid her back. That's the problem with revenge.

She does need to cut him off though, and if you've been disengaged for a long time it might be hard to reconnect. Are you in counseling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> So here's the thing: by retaliating you have given up the moral high ground and have no more right to be angry, because you did it too and paid her back. That's the problem with revenge.
> 
> She does need to cut him off though, and if you've been disengaged for a long time it might be hard to reconnect. Are you in counseling?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I knew I was throwing my morals away. I made my bed...

We have been disengaged for a very long time. We have a number for a therapist but might not even get that far. I'm just not sure I can continue after what she did.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> You are both playing games with each other. Games need to stop. Stop looking for revenge hook ups. Stop suggesting you both should see other people, then get angry when she agrees.
> 
> If you two are truly into each other, and I have my doubts, the games need to stop. She needs to cut off all contact from OM. It has crossed the line where it can be ignored, with naked pics. And I assume it went physical, if there were naked pics.
> 
> ...


Agreed about the games. It does nothing but add more crap on to the pile of crap. It's hard to come to terms with but I think I have to cut the cord. Thanks for your feedback.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> Then you have to decide if money is worth more than your marriage. Its up to you. If your material things and is more important to you than so be it. Her refusing to quit proves that she is NOT remorseful. Crying a few tears is NOT remorse because its just crocodile tears.
> 
> You are NOT the first man with be cheated on with kids. I have two. Divorce to me, would mean financial devastation. It would mean bankruptcy, foreclosure on the house, etc, etc. Yet I am willing to walk away because I respect myself. If my wife was having a workplace affair, she would quit her job and find another one. There would be NO negotiation on that.
> 
> If she can't find another job somewhere else, then you can basically live as a cuckold because the affair is going to continue. Its your choice if you want to continue to live this way.


It's just so complicated with our child. I hear where you're coming from in regards to her work situation. I just want to make sure my son gets the best care. If I leave my wife, her having no job doesn't help my son. What do I care at that point if she's humping her co-worker. I'll have peace of mind knowing that both of us are financially well off and can give my child the future he deserves.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

not recognizable said:


> I thought you said you aren't working.
> 
> You might want to change that if you hope to re-attract her. Lots, and lots, of people keep working when depressed.
> You aren't working, but you aren't too depressed to hook up with an online skank,--that might just drive her further into the OM's... arms.


I still have my job but I'm on short-term disability. I agree with your skank statement


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

6301 said:


> She sends nude pictures to this guy. What does that tell you. To me she's giving him a preview of the next step which is sleeping with the guy.
> 
> Then she tells you she wont quit so that means that she still wants to see the guy.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your thoughtful response. I agree with most of it. It is up to me and I have to step up.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Headspin said:


> An EA!?
> Nude pictures / 9 months!! / conversations / wont do NC / refuses to change jobs !!
> 
> Sorry she's doing him and has been for a while
> ...


I hear you. I agree, it probably has led to sex. After all, she's pushing for her own therapist before we go to couples counseling...I find that telling, among other things.


----------



## TimesLikeThese (Sep 13, 2012)

You both have well paying jobs so that means you're probably in the best position you can be to divorce. She can support herself after all. You can both support your child when you have him.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

TimesLikeThese said:


> You both have well paying jobs so that means you're probably in the best position you can be to divorce. She can support herself after all. You can both support your child when you have him.


Thanks. I guess that's the one good thing out of this stupid situation.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Update:

We both decided that we want to attempt to save the marriage. I am setting up a therapist for us tomorrow and each day we will have to work on ourselves as individuals and our relationship. I know that I have to take control of my life and be healthy physically and mentally. We'll let the process run its course and hope for the best.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

smileandlaugh said:


> Update:
> 
> We both decided that we want to attempt to save the marriage. I am setting up a therapist for us tomorrow and each day we will have to work on ourselves as individuals and our relationship. I know that I have to take control of my life and be healthy physically and mentally. We'll let the process run its course and hope for the best.


If she's not going to leave that job and her affair partner, you would be better served taking the money you would spend on MC and flushing it down the toilet. 

Less time wasted.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

3putt said:


> If she's not going to leave that job and her affair partner, you would be better served taking the money you would spend on MC and flushing it down the toilet.
> 
> Less time wasted.


Yep, the job makes the situation so much more complicated. I'm hoping we can get into therapy ASAP to go over this topic especially.

As hard as it is, I think it's worth the money since we have a toddler and 10+ year relationship. But I'll be damn sure to be getting in tip-top physical and mental shape. I'm going to be a better, stronger person regardless.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

As soon as you went out for revenge, you lost the moral high ground in my opinion. Her affair does need to stop but it's hypocritical to go out and "retaliate" and then condemn her about the victimisation you feel over her betrayal.

OP, get in the best physical shape that you can and get back to work as soon as possible or sell the house and downsize into something more affordable. One way or another, she shouldn't be working with the OM. Just like an alcoholic shouldn't be a bartender. Someone has got to quit or transfer as them working together is too close to the fire.

Until she changes jobs and cuts off all contact with OM, the marriage counseling is money down the toilet. The advice you are given so far on this board is from people with real-life experience of what works. 

Newcomers always doubt it because the advice they get here is hard to implement so then they do it their way. All too often they come back months or years later and post "You were right, I didn't listen and now we're divorced or s/he's still cheating on me."


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Unless the last text specifically said "cant wait to have sex with you" there is a very high probability they had sex. Nooner in the parkinglot or park.

Your retaliation was sex with a random woman or sexting? Seeing a ton of mutual destruction here.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There are a lot of horror stories about counselors blaming the wrong partner, just telling you to get over it, etc. If you don't like the counselor, find another one.

Keep us updated about what's going on and we can help you tell if its going as should be.

Stay strong and be the leader of your family. Did you get the two books linked to below? They're better than most counselors They are also available for download there and at amazon.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I'm nopt an expert, but I can't see how MC can possibly help when POSOM is still in the picture.

If you are serious about saving the marriage, then expose this to his GF. She has a right to know.

Also, get tested for STDs, I would be shocked if this wasn't physical given their close proximity. 

Your wife doesn't sound remorseful from the little you describe. Maybe she's sorry she got caught, but that's about it.

MC seems like a waste of time and money at this point. If you're going down this road hoping for R, expose the affair.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

workindad said:


> I'm nopt an expert, *but I can't see how MC can possibly help when POSOM is still in the *picture.


Just like an alcoholic can't fix themselves if they sit in a bar 5 days a week. Your wife will see this dude more than you..... Just saying.

Like 3 said, money down the toilet. Every time you have a break through, she'll go to work and see her affair partner.


Oh and detail your revenge affair, so we can tell what further damage occurred.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*Originally Posted by Headspin 
An EA!? 
Nude pictures / 9 months!! / conversations / wont do NC / refuses to change jobs !!

Sorry she's doing him and has been for a while 

Course not

Gonna be hard to get this back*





smileandlaugh said:


> I hear you. I agree, it probably has led to sex. After all, she's pushing for her own therapist before we go to couples counseling...I find that telling, among other things.



I was going to say the same thing - they already had sex.

I am going to join the chorus - MC is a waste of time if the OM is still in the picture and your wife has not admitted to much.

I bet she only admitted to what evidence you have. Am I correct?


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Unless the last text specifically said "cant wait to have sex with you" there is a very high probability they had sex. Nooner in the parkinglot or park.
> 
> Your retaliation was sex with a random woman or sexting? Seeing a ton of mutual destruction here.


Random woman. H job.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Just like an alcoholic can't fix themselves if they sit in a bar 5 days a week. Your wife will see this dude more than you..... Just saying.
> 
> Like 3 said, money down the toilet. Every time you have a break through, she'll go to work and see her affair partner.
> 
> ...


The one good thing about her works situation is that he works in a different building across the street. He has no business in her office and she would only have to go there for HR stuff, I believe.

The revenge? An H job from a hooker. Low, I know.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> *Originally Posted by Headspin
> An EA!?
> Nude pictures / 9 months!! / conversations / wont do NC / refuses to change jobs !!
> 
> ...



Correct. She only admitted to what I found, well, kind of. I had 5-8 pictures of her, I said for her to tell me the rest. She said about 20; naked (the ones I had weren't total nudes).


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

It's PA. Schedule a polygraph. NOW. Contact the OM's wife if he is married. If not contact every family member you can find and tell them what a sorry excuse of a man he is. It's a war now. Believe it.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

It's pretty amazing how the consensus here is to move on. I'm guessing R is pretty low in these situations.


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

smileandlaugh said:


> It's pretty amazing how the consensus here is to move on. I'm guessing R is pretty low in these situations.


It's because she is still lying.


----------



## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

smileandlaugh said:


> It's pretty amazing how the consensus here is to move on. I'm guessing R is pretty low in these situations.


You need to inform om's girlfriend pronto. Don't tell your wife you are going to do it. Just do it. Your wife's reaction to this will tell you where she is on the remorse meter.


----------



## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

smileandlaugh said:


> It's pretty amazing how the consensus here is to move on. I'm guessing R is pretty low in these situations.


It's non-existent as long as the other man is still in the picture. I don't understand why that does not make sense to you.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

daffodilly said:


> It's non-existent as long as the other man is still in the picture. I don't understand why that does not make sense to you.


No, that makes sense. The small wrinkle is that he is in a different building across the street. I guess that's how I'm justifying it in my head.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

GutPunch said:


> You need to inform om's girlfriend pronto. Don't tell your wife you are going to do it. Just do it. Your wife's reaction to this will tell you where she is on the remorse meter.


I would if I knew her name/contact info.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Dude, if you just hadn't retaliated! That's gonna bite you in the a$$ for the rest of your married life, however long (or short) it turns out to be.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am pretty big on R but you need the truth and right now you are not really dealing with the whole situation.

I would bet big money she has and is having sex with him. If you want to really R then you have to blow this thing up and set boundaries with her

1. complete access to emails, phone computers,
2. She has to write him a no contact letter and then you send it
3. She has to find a new job (that is not negotiable)
4 You have to expose the A to his girl friend and to your families.
Sunlight kills A's to much time with CYA
5. She needs to get checked for STD's and give you the results
6. This is the big one you have to file for D. You have to be willing to end a marriage to save one. She has to know this is real

Now all of this is going to make her angry. Right now she is in what is called the fog. A land of unicorns and rainbows, with fun and excitement. You have to shake her out of it.

Do not tell her about exposing just do it.
Do not tell her about filing for D just do it.

These are steps that all BS need to take if they hope to save the marriage

By the way the clue about her doing the other guy is that she did not even blink when you said maybe you should see other people.
She has done him and I am sure more then once


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

mahike said:


> I am pretty big on R but you need the truth and right now you are not really dealing with the whole situation.
> 
> I would bet big money she has and is having sex with him. If you want to really R then you have to blow this thing up and set boundaries with her
> 
> ...


Very good advice, thank you.

FYI - She changed her computer password  No more getting in!


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

smileandlaugh said:


> Very good advice, thank you.
> 
> FYI - She changed her computer password  No more getting in!


You need to make a choice. You have several options.

1 You open your marriage. You live together but she does him and you find someone else to do, you're just room mates.

2 You divorce

3 She quits her job, stops sleeping with anyone else and you reconcile.

Notice that the only option I listed here for actual reconciliation involves her quitting the job. You say for the sake of your child she needs to keep the job. You're basically saying that her job is more important to your childs well being than your marriage is.

So you need to choose: Her job or your marriage. You can't have both.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> You need to make a choice. You have several options.
> 
> 1 You open your marriage. You live together but she does him and you find someone else to do, you're just room mates.
> 
> ...


Very true. I'm actually leaning towards one, at this point. I can't go on always second guessing everything she does. It's too much for me to handle. I'd rather open it up, test the waters, and sail away (most likely).


----------



## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

smileandlaugh said:


> I would if I knew her name/contact info.


Shouldn't be hard to find out with facebook and such.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

smileandlaugh said:


> Very true. I'm actually leaning towards one, at this point. I can't go on always second guessing everything she does. It's too much for me to handle. I'd rather open it up, test the waters, and sail away (most likely).


Both you and her should have each others passwords for everything.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Both you and her should have each others passwords for everything.


I agree. Changing your passwords now just creates more smoke and where there's smoke...


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

OK you need to go Alpha on your wife, She gives you passwords, access to everything. If she says no tell her their is the door get out and she can live with lover boy. And no the kids stays here

She will say no. Tell her she should have thought about that before she had an A. Let her know that her pleasure her selfish behavior has killed the marriage.

Give her reality and set your boundaries


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

mahike said:


> OK you need to go Alpha on your wife, She gives you passwords, access to everything. If she says no tell her their is the door get out and she can live with lover boy. And no the kids stays here
> 
> She will say no. Tell her she should have thought about that before she had an A. Let her know that her pleasure her selfish behavior has killed the marriage.
> 
> Give her reality and set your boundaries


Amen! I appreciate your input, friend.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

All of my advice is from not listening to all of the other good folk here.

I am into a R for sometime but I made a lot of mistakes. I did not expose or file for D at first and it cost me big!


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

smileandlaugh said:


> Very true. I'm actually leaning towards one, at this point. I can't go on always second guessing everything she does. It's too much for me to handle. I'd rather open it up, test the waters, and sail away (most likely).


Seriously? You're leaning towards open marriage? 

Are you French? You're surrendering so fast I had to ask.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You need to give her the biggest 'time to think/wake up call' there is. That means, throw her out and tell her to have him because you sure don't want a slvt in your life,or your kids. She will have reality crash down on her and will think fast and real the moment you do this.


----------



## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

You should VAR her car.
Even though they can access each other at work, the vehicle might give up some interesting info.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> You should VAR her car.
> Even though they can access each other at work, the vehicle might give up some interesting info.


That's an interesting idea.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> You should VAR her car.
> Even though they can access each other at work, the vehicle might give up some interesting info.


You have to find out exactly what you are up against.
Get a good sony var at best buy or walmart today.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

So, let me get this straight. You let a strange women that you met through the internet give you a handjob and your wife isn't p!ssed about it...

If so, she's done A LOT more with the OM already. Maybe things she's never done with you. Think about that while deciding on an open marriage...


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> So, let me get this straight. You let a strange women that you met through the internet give you a handjob and your wife isn't p!ssed about it...
> 
> If so, she's done A LOT more with the OM already. Maybe things she's never done with you. Think about that while deciding on an open marriage...


That's a good point you make and would have been even better up until last night. Last night she finally wanted to know the details and was visibly upset and quite confrontational. I told her everything.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Changing her password was just telling you to f*ck off.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the two books linked to below. Download MMSLP now. It will save you a lot of time and wrong moves with your wife. It will also give you insight as to what went wrong. If you don't get the basics right you are just spinning your wheels.


----------



## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

smileandlaugh said:


> No, that makes sense. The small wrinkle is that he is in a different building across the street. I guess that's how I'm justifying it in my head.


Do me a favor. Walk outside and go down the to the end of next block and back to your house. How long did that take?

How long do you think it would take for one to walk to the other's car?


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Refuse to be played said:


> Do me a favor. Walk outside and go down the to the end of next block and back to your house. How long did that take?
> 
> How long do you think it would take for one to walk to the other's car?


I know, it sucks. And it doesn't sound like she'll find another job. Her job (or other man) is apparently more important than our marriage is the message she's sending me.

We met with the MC and she (the MC) told me to put the work situation "on the back burner". Like...really? WTF.


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Why the he!! are you going to MC???


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> Why the he!! are you going to MC???


She paid for the first visit


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

smileandlaugh said:


> She paid for the first visit


Seriously???

Why don't you ask her to pay for a polygraph? Truth is what your marriage needs now, not MC.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> Seriously???
> 
> Why don't you ask her to pay for a polygraph? Truth is what your marriage needs now, not MC.


I hear that. God, what a mess. To think that prior to 3/4, my life was "normal".


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

smileandlaugh said:


> I hear that. God, what a mess. To think that prior to 3/4, my life was "normal".


You are feeling so many emotions, it's overwhelming. Stick to only 2 emotions for now - anger and curiosity. You need the truth. Only then does this marriage have any chance of survival. No one likes D. But if you aren't willing to end it, you aren't trying hard enough to save it.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

*Update*

I've finally had enough and put my foot down. I told her that I will not put the job issue on the "back burner" as the MC had asked. I told my WS that I will not spend any more money or time until leaving her job is on the table. She said it is not. 

Time to move forward, friends.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

She is still contacting om?


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> She is still contacting om?


Not that I'm aware of but she works at the same company. He works across the street in a different building.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

smileandlaugh said:


> *Update*
> 
> I've finally had enough and put my foot down. I told her that I will not put the job issue on the "back burner" as the MC had asked. I told my WS that I will not spend any more money or time until leaving her job is on the table. She said it is not.
> 
> Time to move forward, friends.


It means she doesn't care how you feel plain and simple.
File and maybe there is a chance.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

tom67 said:


> It means she doesn't care how you feel plain and simple.
> File and maybe there is a chance.


Exactly. There were some crocodile tears but they sure dried up quickly.


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

smileandlaugh said:


> Exactly. There were some crocodile tears but they sure dried up quickly.


It's D time, brother.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Would you tell us how your depression affected you and her?

Have you told his girlfriend? A nine mth thing with nude pictures has probably gone physical. He's likely to dump your wife.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Agreed, put some effort into finding the gf. Expose the two of them. And stick with the advice here. Let it guide you through. You won't regret it. You will regret not following it though.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

The WS is coming back to the house tonight. The current plan is that she will be under the same roof during the week until we sort things out and to help transition our son slowly. Of course, we will be sleeping in different rooms.

I'm trying to follow the 180. I read and re-read. But I'm still not entirely sure how I should behave towards the WS. Am I supposed to be happy and pretend like everything is jolly? Or am I supposed to be really terse? Number 12 and 14 of the 180 is what leads me to my question.

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

Being cheerful but scarce on words? I guess I take that as - be very cheerful for my son, in this situation but basically ignore the WS? I just need some clarification here, thanks.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Would you tell us how your depression affected you and her?
> 
> Have you told his girlfriend? A nine mth thing with nude pictures has probably gone physical. He's likely to dump your wife.


My depression affected her greatly, make no mistake. Though she's not right for the affair, I do have some sympathy due to all the years she dealt with a bf/husband who was depressed (my dad's suicide) and struggled with work (social anxiety).

She never once said that our marriage was on the brink of failure (stupid me, I was asleep behind the wheel all these years). She kept it all inside these years. If only she had communicated to me, we could have avoided this mess. I would have been terribly hurt but respected her if she came to me and said things aren't working. I don't know why she felt cheating was the answer; especially when she 'just wanted me to be happy'. Well, way to go and do the worst possible thing ever. I put all my trust in you and it's gone. All gone. We have a beautiful little boy and now he's going to grow up seeing mommy and daddy on different days. Bull****.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

smileandlaugh said:


> The WS is coming back to the house tonight. The current plan is that she will be under the same roof during the week until we sort things out and to help transition our son slowly. Of course, we will be sleeping in different rooms.
> 
> I'm trying to follow the 180. I read and re-read. But I'm still not entirely sure how I should behave towards the WS. Am I supposed to be happy and pretend like everything is jolly? Or am I supposed to be really terse? Number 12 and 14 of the 180 is what leads me to my question.
> 
> ...


S&L...

Let me help you with my experience. When I went through my personal hell, I did not know about this site or the 180. I made many mistakes.

I did however realize that my life was good except for just one thing. That one thing was only that I found my wife was a cheating ho and ruined our family. That was so trivial.

My kids did not and do not have cancer.
I can smell the cherry blossoms in the newly arrived spring time.
My bench press went from 150 lbs to 315 lbs.
I've now gone surfing in Hawaii, saw Straight no Chaser, saw Handle's Messiah and did lots of things I never really gave thought to before.

The point is your spouse is not the reason for your happiness or sadness. You choose to be happy. It is a simple choice. Your mind will focus on the bad and you will hurt, but when you hurt, find something that makes you happy, the feel of sunlight on your skin, the giggles of small children, planting flowers. Do not mire yourself in the pain of now. It will pass over time. Do not let your WS be your focus. Choose to be happy. Choose to think of happy things. WS will try to tear you down, but you have the last say in if you want to be happy or not. Focus on the great things in your life. There are many.

As I went through my own hell, I worked really hard on focusing on the positive, but there were times I was beaten down and I just needed to get it out. I did that alone. You are strong and you have lots of things to be grateful for. Let them be your focus and it will ease your burdens.

Read the poem 'Footprints in the Sand'. For me, it was this simple.

Stay strong and you will find out that you really are strong. God bless and good luck to you.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

MovingAhead said:


> S&L...
> 
> Let me help you with my experience. When I went through my personal hell, I did not know about this site or the 180. I made many mistakes.
> 
> ...


Thank you for such a wonderful, thoughtful response.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Stupid question, but she was so controlling when I went out somewhere to see friends. Now that we've both agreed not to reconcile, I don't need to tell her s***, right? If it involves my son, I will tell her what time I will be back or she will tell me what time. Other than that, I don't think she needs to know or care where I'm going.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Be cheerful, attitude is everything. Treat your wife like you would any stranger. Show her no emotion. Ignore her unless you have to talk about your son as briefly as possible.

The only time you talk about the relationship is if she brings it up. Again as briefly as possible.

Was your depression being treated?


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Be cheerful, attitude is everything. Treat your wife like you would any stranger. Show her no emotion. Ignore her unless you have to talk about your son as briefly as possible.
> 
> The only time you talk about the relationship is if she brings it up. Again as briefly as possible.
> 
> Was your depression being treated?


Ok, cool. Yeah, I've been in/out of therapy for many years. I just got a gym membership and I'm learning how to play guitar. I also went to a local support group for social anxiety last night. I'm trying to be as constructive as possible.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you exposed her to your familes and the OM's SO?

Put him on cheaterville.com


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Blow up the OM. Can you expose both of them at the work place


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

S&L

While now is not the time I do hope you show this to your wife.



> My depression affected her greatly, make no mistake. Though she's not right for the affair, I do have some sympathy due to all the years she dealt with a bf/husband who was depressed (my dad's suicide) and struggled with work (social anxiety).
> 
> She never once said that our marriage was on the brink of failure (stupid me, I was asleep behind the wheel all these years). She kept it all inside these years. If only she had communicated to me, we could have avoided this mess. I would have been terribly hurt but respected her if she came to me and said things aren't working. I don't know why she felt cheating was the answer; especially when she 'just wanted me to be happy'. Well, way to go and do the worst possible thing ever. I put all my trust in you and it's gone. All gone. We have a beautiful little boy and now he's going to grow up seeing mommy and daddy on different days. Bull****.


It acknowledges your depression and the sadness it has caused. Yet it recognizes her infidelity and the disappointment she has turned out to be.

HM


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

That guy at work, he is not a scumbag. Matter a fact, just forget about him completely.

Your beef is with your wife (and you) not him.

It seems like you already know how you neglected your wife. Are you willing to work on that and fix it?

Assuming you are, see if your wife will even consider staying in this marriage assuming you fix it.

But first, ask yourself if you are even willing to continue after what she has done.

She completely broke your trust and it will be VERY hard to repair that IMO.

PS. Assume their relationship has been physical for a while....get a STD test as well.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> S&L
> 
> While now is not the time I do hope you show this to your wife.
> 
> ...


I have been open and honest. I told her this, I have no issue owning my mistakes.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

DoF said:


> That guy at work, he is not a scumbag. Matter a fact, just forget about him completely.
> 
> Your beef is with your wife (and you) not him.
> 
> ...


Thanks. This is my line of thinking in regards to the OM. He's not worth my time.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

smileandlaugh said:


> Thanks. This is my line of thinking in regards to the OM. He's not worth my time.


His girlfriend should know what a pos he is.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

tom67 said:


> His girlfriend should know what a pos he is.


Agreed. Right now, though, I'm thinking about myself and my son. I don't want to throw rocks at a hornets nest right now, as I want to be able to see my son whenever I want.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Question:

Now that we are unofficially separated and heading to divorce, is it okay to connect with the opposite sex? Obviously nothing long-term; more making friends than anything. I feel like it might be better vs. waiting 6 months to start going out on mini dates like coffee and such. I just want to move on as quickly as possible, but again - no long term here, I know that is way down the road.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sure


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"That guy at work, he is not a scumbag."

I could not disagree more.

Any man who chases a woman he knows is M is a complete and utter POS; nothing but a contemptible excuse for a man and a human being.

If he has a W/gf of his own that just adds to his level of overall scumminess and worthlessness.

Such pieces of filth deserve to be exposed and, if possible ruined/destroyed, until they finally learn the lesson to KEEP THEIR HANDS OFF OF OTHER MENS' WIVES!!!


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Boy, it didn't take long for the 180 to start working. This morning she changed her tune. She's willing to look for another job and wants to continue MC.

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmm


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

smileandlaugh said:


> Boy, it didn't take long for the 180 to start working. This morning she changed her tune. She's willing to look for another job and wants to continue MC.
> 
> Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmm


Let her do what she wants. Just D and get a better woman.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> Let her do what she wants. Just D and get a better woman.


LOL. I know, right. If not for my child this probably wouldn't be a question.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

I'm going back through the messages that exposed her last month. It makes me sick. I went ahead and cancelled the MC that was scheduled for tomorrow. I want us to remain "separated" until I figure things out in my head. If she really wants this to work, she'll just have to wait for me to be ready.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Question:

The plan right now it to alternate sleeping areas. One night she gets the king-sized bed and I get the couch...

This morning was her first sign of weakness since I started the 180 a few days ago. She mentioned how bedtime was really hard for her and having dreams about me coming to bed.

Since our couch is pretty darn comfortable, I'm thinking maybe it would be better for me to just stay there and let her have the bed. I'm thinking psychologically, as she's already shown, it's more hurtful. Since that's where we slept, I want her to experience those things WITHOUT me. So, TAM - are we cool with me staying on the couch during the weekdays? (she will go to sleep at her parents on the weekend)


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

smileandlaugh said:


> Question:
> 
> The plan right now it to alternate sleeping areas. One night she gets the king-sized bed and I get the couch...
> 
> ...


The general advice is that the CS get's the couch. Completely fair because she's the cause of all this. You don't need to be so accommodating.

But the more important thing is that you're not in the same bed.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

badmemory said:


> The general advice is that the CS get's the couch. Completely fair because she's the cause of all this. You don't need to be so accommodating.
> 
> But the more important thing is that you're not in the same bed.


Yeah, I definitely get that point of view but her sleeping in our bed alone appears to be damaging for her already...


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Avoid physical contact with her and please don't bang her.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> Avoid physical contact with her and please don't bang her.


Oh God no. That's not happening.


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

smileandlaugh said:


> Oh God no. That's not happening.


You are still banging her? Sheesh.... I'm out of here.


----------



## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

smileandlaugh said:


> Question:
> 
> The plan right now it to alternate sleeping areas. One night she gets the king-sized bed and I get the couch...
> 
> ...


The general thinking is the wayward gets the couch/guest room, but it's really whatever is comfortable or convenient for YOU. If you want the bed you sleep there and she gets the couch or visa versa. I don't get her staying at her parents on the weekend though.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Refuse to be played said:


> The general thinking is the wayward gets the couch/guest room, but it's really whatever is comfortable or convenient for YOU. If you want the bed you sleep there and she gets the couch or visa versa. I don't get her staying at her parents on the weekend though.


I want the house to myself on the weekends.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> You are still banging her? Sheesh.... I'm out of here.


Oh sorry, miscommunication there. I mean OH GOD NO, I wouldn't bang her. There's no physical contact now.


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

smileandlaugh said:


> Oh sorry, miscommunication there. I mean OH GOD NO, I wouldn't bang her. There's no physical contact now.


Oops. Mea Culpa. 

Anyway, who needs a wife for sex? We always got hands. :smthumbup:


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> Oops. Mea Culpa.
> 
> Anyway, who needs a wife for sex? We always got hands. :smthumbup:


Bahaha, damn right, brother.


----------



## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

Keep up the 180 for a couple more weeks even if you are open to reconciling. See what she does and if she is just all talk about the job thing. Don't even think about reconciling though if she still says it was only an EA, the dude worked across the street. Call her bluff with a poly (or the threat of one at least) and see if she changes her tune.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Refuse to be played said:


> Keep up the 180 for a couple more weeks even if you are open to reconciling. See what she does and if she is just all talk about the job thing. Don't even think about reconciling though if she still says it was only an EA, the dude worked across the street. Call her bluff with a poly (or the threat of one at least) and see if she changes her tune.


Good call, I was thinking I need to keep the 180 going here. I'm not playing games anymore. I have to protect myself and consequently my son.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

expose the OM to destroy the affair even if you have the tiniest hope of reconciling


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> expose the OM to destroy the affair even if you have the tiniest hope of reconciling


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

smileandlaugh said:


> Question:
> 
> The plan right now it to alternate sleeping areas. One night she gets the king-sized bed and I get the couch...
> 
> ...


Absolutely not. She cheated, she should be on the couch all the time. Why would the abused spouse be kicked out of bed.:FIREdevil:


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Oh no! Wifey got mad cause I canceled MC. I got some more crocodile tears and now she's ignoring me! Oh the pain!

(Actually, it is hurtful, but yeah, time to man the f up here)


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

*Update*

A few days ago I finally heard what I wanted to from her: she said she would find another job if we reconciled. We had a couple of really good days - I was putting in 110%, I think she was as well. Then last night she returns from her second IC glum. She says things like: "I don't know who I am", "Leaving my job is going to be hard", "Leaving my friends at my job will be hard".

These are things a BS does not want to hear. I translate all of this to: "I'm not sure if I want to be with you", "My job is more important than my family", "The friends at my job are more important than my family".

Back to "separation" and the 180. 

I told her we need to separate and she needs to understand the consequences of her actions; she currently does not. I believe she justifies her actions because of all the years I was depressed and created an unhappy household. She didn't refute it. She even had the nerve to ask me why I couldn't get an apartment during the separation. Um, hello...we own a house and my name is on the mortgage, dummy. I'm not leaving. 

The arrangement currently is that she will stay at her parents house on the weekends; we'll live under the same roof on the weekdays and sleep in separate rooms. I told her that during our "separation", we do not need to know where the other person is going, only times leaving/return that involve our son. I also made it clear that I am not waiting while she "finds herself". I cannot guarantee I will welcome her back with open arms when/if she figures things out.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

I would also like to share an article with you all. It was the first link that I clicked on today. I also shared it with my wife.

Outrage over Boomer Esiason's C-section before season starts idea - CNN.com

The moral of the story: Family > Job.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

you will see the push pull behavior a few more.

You really should expose and burn the OM. Could it be that he is the real reason for your wife not fully committing to the R ?(They could be restarting the affair..Or she still thinks she has a chance with him or whatever)


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> you will see the push pull behavior a few more.
> 
> You really should expose and burn the OM. Could it be that he is the real reason for your wife not fully committing to the R ?(They could be restarting the affair..Or she still thinks she has a chance with him or whatever)


I wouldn't rule it out but my gut says no.


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

smileandlaugh said:


> I wouldn't rule it out but my gut says no.


Post the OM on CV. Then smileandlaugh. :smthumbup:


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your wife liked the sexual and emotional charge of the affair, but she feels some guilt and does not have an LTR lined up. Divorce is troublesome. Moving. Splitting assets.

Read Bagdon's thread. Work on yourself. Hit the gym regularly. Have you found work? Take a job at Home Depot or wherever to stay active.

Be cheerful.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Your wife liked the sexual and emotional charge of the affair, but she feels some guilt and does not have an LTR lined up. Divorce is troublesome. Moving. Splitting assets.
> 
> Read Bagdon's thread. Work on yourself. Hit the gym regularly. Have you found work? Take a job at Home Depot or wherever to stay active.
> 
> Be cheerful.


Thank you. I'm staying active. I recently signed up for a gym membership and am eating healthy. I return to work on Monday.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

What is TAM's thoughts of bringing my wife here to create her own thread. I feel like she would get a better understanding for what I'm going through. Good idea? Bad idea?


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

BTW - I told her last night that I had contacted a lawyer. She broke down. I'm willing to give her an honest shot at R. Funny what the 'L' word will do to the WS. A real wake up call.

Don't hate me TAM. It's painful and seems unfair that I have to rise above. That I hold the key to three lives - my wife, son, and myself. But I have to give it an honest effort to see if I can overcome and if she can be the wife I deserve.


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

smileandlaugh said:


> BTW - I told her last night that I had contacted a lawyer. She broke down. I'm willing to give her an honest shot at R. Funny what the 'L' word will do to the WS. A real wake up call.
> 
> Don't hate me TAM. It's painful and seems unfair that I have to rise above. That I hold the key to three lives - my wife, son, and myself. But I have to give it an honest effort to see if I can overcome and if she can be the wife I deserve.


I've been there and done what you are proposing to do.

Now I'm out of it I can see the wood for the trees.

You still love her, hell part of me still loves mine, BUT, before I was always desperate to have her back no matter what she did, I was always chasing the bit, the history that was fantastic about 'us' BUT at the expense of her being in control of 'us' because of my need, my desperation to think I could put it, put her 'right' that she could change this sie of her nature . She couldn't - usually sadly they don't. 

Many people on here will think you are being obviously stupid and will shout and regale you for it. I won't regale you for it. I still think you are being stupid but I do understand the power, the pull of one's heart. 

In a sense like me you need to find out _for yourself_ that it will never work after such a transgression such betrayals.

You are, imo and vast experience, making a dreadful mistake and I do expect you to return here in maybe a years time with more tales of a 'new' ending' but we do understand it is YOUR mistake to make and only you can make it.

I wish you the best of luck as you will need every ounce of it and ultimately I hope you can prove us / me wrong and stick it out and succeed with a reconciliation but..........


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

OP did you ever find out if her affair was a PA? 

you may never know for sure


----------



## DoktorFun (Feb 25, 2014)

smileandlaugh said:


> BTW - I told her last night that I had contacted a lawyer. She broke down. I'm willing to give her an honest shot at R. Funny what the 'L' word will do to the WS. A real wake up call.
> 
> Don't hate me TAM. It's painful and seems unfair that I have to rise above. That I hold the key to three lives - my wife, son, and myself. But I have to give it an honest effort to see if I can overcome and if she can be the wife I deserve.



Well, you can give her "honest shot at R".

and It will be *one shot on your terms*.

GL


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

smileandlaugh said:


> BTW - I told her last night that I had contacted a lawyer. She broke down. I'm willing to give her an honest shot at R. Funny what the 'L' word will do to the WS. A real wake up call.
> 
> Don't hate me TAM. It's painful and seems unfair that I have to rise above. That I hold the key to three lives - my wife, son, and myself. But I have to give it an honest effort to see if I can overcome and if she can be the wife I deserve.


You've been down this road before. More than once. It ALWAYS has ended up in the same place...

Is she going to change jobs? Did she ever give you the password to her PC/phone? If you answered no to either of these, she's not ready to attempt R.

You keep hopping on that horse. She's dormant controlled while she's in the chute, but once that gate opens up again it's back to trying to buck you off.

She says she'll change jobs and give you passwords, then a few weeks go by and she says she won't right?...

If she doesn't do EVERYTHING that she needs to, you have to file for D. You can always put it on hold is she changes. If she does change, I have to wonder for how long.

Btw, when she started crying after you told her about the lawyer, she was most likely crying for herself and not for you. She doesn't want to loose her way of living. Giving you just enough for you to stay and the rest goes to...

I ask again, is she willing to change jobs and give you the passwords to all her electronics? She's told you more than once that her job and her work "friends" were more important than you and your family. I doubt that she feels much different about that yet.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> You've been down this road before. More than once. It ALWAYS has ended up in the same place...
> 
> Is she going to change jobs? Did she ever give you the password to her PC/phone? If you answered no to either of these, she's not ready to attempt R.
> 
> ...


Just think about the above please.
These are good points. Take your time and observe her.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Bring her here she will know all the 007 methods and how to avoid them.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Bring her here she will know all the 007 methods and how to avoid them.


Yup, I didn't have my head screwed on with that question. I won't be bringing her here, thanks.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

convert said:


> OP did you ever find out if her affair was a PA?
> 
> you may never know for sure


She continues to deny any PA.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> You've been down this road before. More than once. It ALWAYS has ended up in the same place...
> 
> Is she going to change jobs? Did she ever give you the password to her PC/phone? If you answered no to either of these, she's not ready to attempt R.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I think you really hit the nail on the head here. I have to press the job issue and make sure she's on-board with that; I also need transparency with these devices. Last night she wanted to show me a family picture, or so I thought. Her phone was nearby. So I said: are you going to show me? She took her phone and did a stealth 360 while she unlocked it and jumped straight to the photo app. I wanted to jump on her then and there, but I didn't want to stir the pot so late...I can't risk being a mess and not going to work. I may just ambush her this morning before work now that I'm a little more rested


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

I ambushed her this morning before work on two hot topics: Her leaving the job and giving up the passwords to her devices.

*Job:*
She was defensive. She said that it's a trust issue (duh) and so her leaving wouldn't change anything.

*Phone/Device passwords:*
Again, she was defensive. She told me it was controlling of me to expect her to hand over her phone and let me in. LOL, somebody got caught with their hand in the cookie jar...again!

I even gave her several chances. I spoke calmly the entire time. I said: if I walk out that door and go to work, in my mind, you still have contact with the OM. Are you sure you want this? She stood her ground.

I told her I'm sorry and that I have to move forward with the separation. We are in agreement on the major topics. We will get a mediator or a lawyer to hash out all the terms. I will find an apartment and she will likely buy me out of the house.

I'm happy today. I finally feel that I can get off this rollercoaster s**tstorm and begin a new life. I can't thank all of the members of TAM enough for the great words of wisdom and support. Everyone here has really helped me through this and made me stronger. I will continue to update you all on my situation.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

She's taking the affair underground. She might become better at hiding it, so that means double effort for you to know what she's doing. 

Funny how she calls you controlling and accuses you of having trust issues. These are the typical lines of a cheater who wants to have conformity in keeping up with the affair.


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

smileandlaugh said:


> I ambushed her this morning before work on two hot topics: Her leaving the job and giving up the passwords to her devices.
> 
> *Job:*
> She was defensive. She said that it's a trust issue (duh) and so her leaving wouldn't change anything.
> ...


They'll be lots more ups and downs to this s&l.

Having been caught she's made the first decisive choice and one that has changed your lives already.

I often say this but the fact is with her demeanor attitude and answers you don't actually need to prove anything to anybody - she' s already done that for you.

You need to pack her things lawyer up and get your sh!t together - the complete 180 get bank accounts sorted, keys sorted, family told etc etc with nil input allowed from her 

You need to show her TODAY that the world, as she knows it and is comfortable with, will disintegrate before her very eyes. She needs to feel the reality of being suddenly out of control of anything connected to you as a couple in any way 

In your hands now


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Headspin said:


> They'll be lots more ups and downs to this s&l.
> 
> Having been caught she's made the first decisive choice and one that has changed your lives already.
> 
> ...


She knows I've contacted a lawyer. Game over.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

smileandlaugh said:


> She knows I've contacted a lawyer. Game over.


Now carry a voice activated recorder on you when dealing with her.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She had too much to hide in her phone.

Quitting work, that could have been delayed but the secrets, no.

Keep up the modified 180 and the strength, calm and restraint. If she knows that you love her but can cast her aside because it is the right thing for a man to do, the switch may flip and you'll get remorse.

Is your wife proud?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

or expect a cleaned up phone in the next few days


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Still won't expose the OM?


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> She had too much to hide in her phone.
> 
> Quitting work, that could have been delayed but the secrets, no.
> 
> ...


Agreed. Can't believe she turned it on me and called me controlling. It's called barriers. You don't put those up in a marriage. The only barriers you put up are the ones to keep others from entering. She failed.

Honestly? At this point. I'm ready to move on. I'll find someone who I can trust and who will love me like I love them.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> or expect a cleaned up phone in the next few days


Yup, too late. This morning I gave her several chances. I said: If I walk out that door and go to work, in my mind, you are still talking to the OM and it's over. She let me walk. Tomorrow is our first session with the mediator to get the paperwork going.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> Still won't expose the OM?


It's just not worth it to me. If I see him in public, I'll be sure to have a few choice words. But I'm just not interested in wasting my energy on trash. I've have lots of more productive places to expend that energy like: work, exercise, friends, family, and new relationships.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

smileandlaugh said:


> Yup, too late. This morning I gave her several chances. I said: If I walk out that door and go to work, in my mind, you are still talking to the OM and it's over. She let me walk. Tomorrow is our first session with the mediator to get the paperwork going.


You're making the right choice in filing for D.

She wouldn't have taken such a hard line if this was a run of the mill EA. If she hasn't had sex with him yet, she probably planning on it.

Don't back down. If she doesn't come around, she's not worth the trouble.

Will you, or her be leaving where you live? Either way, you should start a HARD 180 imeediatly. Only descuse finances and divorce. If she brings up your relationship, tell her that she had her chance. That her walking did the talking for her and you don't want to hear anymore of her blame shifting, or her lies.

What she is doing is cheating and you won't stay married to a cheater.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

smileandlaugh said:


> It's just not worth it to me. If I see him in public, I'll be sure to have a few choice words. But I'm just not interested in wasting my energy on trash. I've have lots of more productive places to expend that energy like: work, exercise, friends, family, and new relationships.


I did a poll about exposure one time. Out of 50 voters only 2 regretted exposing, while 31 did not regret exposing, 10 regretted waiting to expose and 7 didn't expose but wished they had. 5 pages of comments. You can view it here.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> Last week I caught my wife engaging in an emotional affair with a coworker (she denies anything physical, whatever). *Naked pictures*, flirty conversations (that she actually sent back to herself to re-read, that's how she got caught!). This has gone on for *nine months*.


It seems highly unlikely that they trade naked selfies for almost a year and yet were too shy to take of their underwear in real life.

What you have is enough to make a Cheaterville post. If you put him up it will help destroy their relationship. Do you want him in your child's life?

Some say that exposure is undesirable if the goal is a smooth divorce. Others say that revenge is worth it.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> It seems highly unlikely that they trade naked selfies for almost a year and yet were too shy to take of their underwear in real life.
> 
> What you have is enough to make a Cheaterville post. If you put him up it will help destroy their relationship. Do you want him in your child's life?
> 
> Some say that exposure is undesirable if the goal is a smooth divorce. Others say that revenge is worth it.


Yeah, this has PA written all over it.


----------



## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

smileandlaugh said:


> Yup, too late. This morning I gave her several chances. I said: If I walk out that door and go to work, in my mind, you are still talking to the OM and it's over. She let me walk. Tomorrow is our first session with the mediator to get the paperwork going.


Mediation session tomorrow???:scratchhead:


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Yeah, this has PA written all over it.


The stuff in her phone reveals it. 

In fact, the OP could just say to her that he has some idea of what is in her phone and that surrendering the dope about what has gone on is the best way to express genuine remorse.

Her pride is more important than there marriage. Her love for him is the end to which there are means, coming forth with the truth.

The hidden record probably includes negative statements about the OP and or something humiliating, such as reference to anal sex or terminated pregnancy.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

smileandlaugh said:


> It's just not worth it to me. If I see him in public, I'll be sure to have a few choice words. But I'm just not interested in wasting my energy on trash. I've have lots of more productive places to expend that energy like: work, exercise, friends, family, and new relationships.


In effect you are giving him the Grand Pubah award. You might as well pat him on the back and say, Well played sir, well played!"

Letting a theif go with no consequences is an epic fail.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Tobyboy said:


> Mediation session tomorrow???:scratchhead:


To begin the separation process. The mediator is a lawyer, sorry this is new to me. We just need contracts drawn up about important issues like my son and the house. My priority right now is having her buy me out of the house so I can get my own apartment.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Oh and after today's first session with the lawyer, I remove her and her family from Facebook and change my relationship status. 

Hello ladies!


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

smileandlaugh said:


> Oh and after today's first session with the lawyer, I remove her and her family from Facebook and change my relationship status.
> 
> Hello ladies!


My dealbreaker would also have been not being allowed to look at her phone. 
That said everything. 
It was a PA, she did keep seeing him. 
Expose the POSOM. 
When the separation goes through, don't forget to answer family and friends when they ask why. all you have to say is: 
"She cheated for the past 9 months."
Expose her too.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

********** said:


> My dealbreaker would also have been not being allowed to look at her phone.
> That said everything.
> It was a PA, she did keep seeing him.
> Expose the POSOM.
> ...


Agreed, ambushing her about the phone was my "ace in the hole". I knew right then and there, I would get the truth. I'm at peace now.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

smileandlaugh said:


> Funny what the 'L' word will do to the WS. A real wake up call.


You need to replace that "W" with a "B" because it works both ways. Good job standing your ground, you can honestly say you tried and she made the final choice.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Hi WS!

I just got back from our first session. It went very well. *Come to find out...she found me here and is following my thread *

We're both being very civil and while sad, I'm happy that we're on the same page. I'll always love you; it just wasn't meant to be.

Thanks again for all the the support TAM.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Damn, our super secret soceity has been found out.

smileandlaugh, you should still consider exposing the OM at work..

Hurt them where it hurts the most. 

You are just letting someone walk all over you. If someone comes to me an punches me in my face, they sure will know there would be a reaction. This guy is destroying your married life. Even though it was your wife that was responsible, since she is the one married to, OM was involved in the process.

Yes, it could have been someone else if not this guy. But this guy is involved none the less. Public shaming should give them something to think about about destroying other people hearts and families. After all, just like positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement has its uses. 

Expose him to the HR, provide necessary evidence and walk away.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

How did she find out? Please let it be ironic and hypocritical.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> How did she find out? Please let it be ironic and hypocritical.


I said too much. I told her I was getting advice from le Internet. My bad.

Either that or she hacked into a device of mine. Honey, if you're reading this, can you chime in?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You told her this was the website you were posting on?


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> You told her this was the website you were posting on?


Nope. I never said the name of the site. But really, it's not that hard to put it together. Plus, we both work in IT. So yeah, shame on me


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

There are multiple marriage based websites, so she had to "snoop" to find this specific website. Ironic that your actions and comments made her "snoop." Hypocritical because the same behavior is controlling in you, but not her.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

smileandlaugh said:


> Nope. I never said the name of the site. But really, it's not that hard to put it together. Plus, we both work in IT. So yeah, shame on me


Is Carey going to start posting on this thread?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Wait, she is posting ?


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> Wait, she is posting ?


No, she hasn't posted in this thread, that I'm aware of. She's more than welcome to join in the fun


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

smileandlaugh said:


> No, she hasn't posted in this thread, that I'm aware of. She's more than welcome to join in the fun


Well then she must realize that you realize that she was cheating. And not just an EA. She was having sex with a man other than her Husband.

She can deny it all she wants, but not letting you see her phone is enough proof. I hope this guy was worth it...

Just remember, if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Well then she must realize that you realize that she was cheating. And not just an EA. She was having sex with a man other than her Husband.
> 
> She can deny it all she wants, but not letting you see her phone is enough proof. I hope this guy was worth it...
> 
> Just remember, if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.


Not to mention when he has to deal with the whole cow every day and not just the milk when he wants it, that milk becomes less desirable quite quickly.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are you calling her a cow ?


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

3putt said:


> Not to mention when he has to deal with the whole cow every day and not just the milk when he wants it, that milk becomes less desirable quite quickly.


This is what she probly looks like when she's texting with her boyfriend.


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> Are you calling her a cow ?


That's wrong on so many levels. If nothing else, cows give meat and milk. She gives only grief.


----------

