# What the hell is going on here?



## onlyhuman123

So, my wife just caught me watching porn for the second time. This is the second time in 53 days total, whereas previously, it would have been 1+ a day. I am a recovering porn addict. She gives no room for being human here and wants to cut it off with me. All after 2 years of steady going in the relationship and she is also currently pregnant as well. I have actually done worse before as in attempting to sleep with other women but without cheating (either to no avail or I didn't follow through with it). We maintained the relationship online for the majority of the relationship. I have only been physically with her for 53 days. She knew about my porn issue beforehand but said basically that it should magically go away upon my arrival or else. I did my best but succumbed to my bad habit for the second time already. I have been putting a consistent and conscious effort all this time and was proud of myself up until now, which is when she decided she's done with me. We have remained consistently sexually active up to now, and it has been a major part of my healing. I really have a hard time piecing together how this makes sense especially after considering everything we went through and invested in together so far. Can anyone weigh in on this and tell me *what the hell is going on?*


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## Sfort

When did you get married? There are two people (now three) in this relationship who need help. Why would you get someone you've been with for 53 days pregnant? Good luck.


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## happyhusband0005

onlyhuman123 said:


> So, my wife just caught me watching porn for the second time. This is the second time in 53 days total, whereas previously, it would have been 1+ a day. I am a recovering porn addict. She gives no room for being human here and wants to cut it off with me. All after 2 years of steady going in the relationship and she is also currently pregnant as well. I have actually done worse before as in attempting to sleep with other women but without cheating (either to no avail or I didn't follow through with it). We maintained the relationship online for the majority of the relationship. I have only been physically with her for 53 days. She knew about my porn issue beforehand but said basically that it should magically go away upon my arrival or else. I did my best but succumbed to my bad habit for the second time already. I have been putting a consistent and conscious effort all this time and was proud of myself up until now, which is when she decided she's done with me. We have remained consistently sexually active up to now, and it has been a major part of my healing. I really have a hard time piecing together how this makes sense especially after considering everything we went through and invested in together so far. Can anyone weigh in on this and tell me *what the hell is going on?*


My guess is she sees the porn as part of the pattern of behavior that lead to your trying to get with other women. The two being connected she is carrying the equation out to its final solution which equals you cheating.


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## onlyhuman123

We got married 1 week into meeting for the first time. Having a baby was prioritized as she always wanted to be a mother and saved herself up even up to that point of getting pregnant. Which adds to the confusion even more 'cause that's a huge investment. Indeed, three people now in this relationship which is the elephant in the room which is brushed off as no biggies as she said she can raise the baby herself, no problem.


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## onlyhuman123

happyhusband0005 said:


> My guess is she sees the porn as part of the pattern of behavior that led to your trying to get with other women. The two being connected she is carrying the equation out to its final solution which equals you cheating.


Interesting algorithm there and that makes perfect sense. Kind of like a "pre-crime" or shadow of things to come. At the same time, she acknowledges that "all men are pigs" and that "men will be men", always "finding the hotter younger thing." Though I intend to stay with her for life and to FLEE from any temptation to cheat.

Is there anything I can do to step up the game (apart from making the active effort to stay porn-free) to further assure her that the lesson was learned from these two strikes and that cheating is even LESS of a probability now?


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## *Deidre*

onlyhuman123 said:


> Is there anything I can do to step up the game (apart from making the active effort to stay porn-free) to further assure her that the lesson was learned from these two strikes and that cheating is even LESS of a probability now?


So, she should stay and feel so fortunate that cheating will be 'less than a probability now' for you? I can't imagine why she wants to leave.


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## BeyondRepair007

onlyhuman123 said:


> Interesting algorithm there and that makes perfect sense. Kind of like a "pre-crime" or shadow of things to come. At the same time, she acknowledges that "all men are pigs" and that "men will be men", always "finding the hotter younger thing." Though I intend to stay with her for life and to FLEE from any temptation to cheat.
> 
> Is there anything I can do to step up the game (apart from making the active effort to stay porn-free) to further assure her that the lesson was learned from these two strikes and that cheating is even LESS of a probability now?


OP, to me, you sound like you still don't get it. This is serious. You have disrespected and damaged your marriage and your wife. You don't seem like you understand that or how much damage you've caused her. But your wife understands it clearly. I'm not sure you're ready to be a safe partner.

There's a possibility that she considers porn "cheating". And certainly your emotional affair was cheating. Some spouses (male or female) consider porn cheating just the same as if there was a prostitute or online service involved.

Recovery with her may or may not be possible. If I were you I would try to save my marriage in the same way as if you had cheated on her with a real person.

Don't minimize this, take it very seriously. It could very well be the end of your marriage. The ball is in her court and she gets to decide no matter what you do.

This link is not perfect for a porn issue, but the principles of how to help your spouse recover are the same.








How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: 15 Steps


When you have an affair, it breaks the bond of trust that holds your relationship together. You'll both be overwhelmed with emotions; your partner will be feeling betrayal and shock, while you'll likely be feeling guilt and shame. Start by...




www.wikihow.com


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## bobert

onlyhuman123 said:


> So, my wife just caught me watching porn for the second time. This is the second time in 53 days total, whereas previously, it would have been 1+ a day. I am a recovering porn addict. She gives no room for being human here and wants to cut it off with me. All after 2 years of steady going in the relationship and she is also currently pregnant as well. I have actually done worse before as in attempting to sleep with other women but without cheating (either to no avail or I didn't follow through with it). We maintained the relationship online for the majority of the relationship. I have only been physically with her for 53 days. She knew about my porn issue beforehand but said basically that it should magically go away upon my arrival or else. I did my best but succumbed to my bad habit for the second time already. I have been putting a consistent and conscious effort all this time and was proud of myself up until now, which is when she decided she's done with me. We have remained consistently sexually active up to now, and it has been a major part of my healing. I really have a hard time piecing together how this makes sense especially after considering everything we went through and invested in together so far. Can anyone weigh in on this and tell me *what the hell is going on?*


What the hell is going on? She is allowed to have boundaries. That doesn't mean she isn't allowing you to be human and make errors. If her boundary is no other woman in anyway, then that's her boundary. You cheated on her. It really doesn't matter that you didn't stick your **** in someone else. All the communication leading up to that was cheating and you'd be wise to own up to that.



onlyhuman123 said:


> We got married 1 week into meeting for the first time. Having a baby was prioritized as she always wanted to be a mother and saved herself up even up to that point of getting pregnant. Which adds to the confusion even more 'cause that's a huge investment. Indeed, three people now in this relationship which is the elephant in the room which is brushed off as no biggies as she said she can raise the baby herself, no problem.


She would have been better off using a sperm donor than getting into this situation with a stranger.



onlyhuman123 said:


> Interesting algorithm there and that makes perfect sense. Kind of like a "pre-crime" or shadow of things to come. At the same time, she acknowledges that "all men are pigs" and that "men will be men", always "finding the hotter younger thing." Though I intend to stay with her for life and to FLEE from any temptation to cheat.





> Is there anything I can do to step up the game (apart from making the active effort to stay porn-free) to further assure her that the lesson was learned from these two strikes and that cheating is even LESS of a probability now?


Get into therapy for your sex addiction and stop using her body as a replacement for that addiction. You will not be a safe partner until you fix yourself.


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## onlyhuman123

BeyondRepair007 said:


> OP, to me, you sound like you still don't get it. This is serious. You have disrespected and damaged your marriage and your wife. You don't seem like you understand that or how much damage you've caused her. But your wife understands it clearly. I'm not sure you're ready to be a safe partner.
> 
> There's a possibility that she considers porn "cheating". And certainly your emotional affair was cheating. Some spouses (male or female) consider porn cheating just the same as if there was a prostitute or online service involved.
> 
> Recovery with her may or may not be possible. If I were you I would try to save my marriage in the same way as if you had cheated on her with a real person.
> 
> Don't minimize this, take it very seriously. It could very well be the end of your marriage. The ball is in her court and she gets to decide no matter what you do.
> 
> This link is not perfect for a porn issue, but the principles of how to help your spouse recover are the same.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: 15 Steps
> 
> 
> When you have an affair, it breaks the bond of trust that holds your relationship together. You'll both be overwhelmed with emotions; your partner will be feeling betrayal and shock, while you'll likely be feeling guilt and shame. Start by...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.wikihow.com


BeyondRepair007 thank you so much... Yes, she does consider it cheating. No grey area. It is true that I have had the wrong perspective on this as in belittling the issue. At the same time, with the plague of porn on humanity and namely men and in this current world, who then can survive. That is the best advice, to treat it as if I cheated according to its conventional definition. Ball be in her court, can only do my best which is what I'm doing starting with confessing to her mom what I have done. I am trying to treat it as seriously as I can. Thank you for the link provided.


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## onlyhuman123

bobert said:


> What the hell is going on? She is allowed to have boundaries. That doesn't mean she isn't allowing you to be human and make errors. If her boundary is no other woman in anyway, then that's her boundary. You cheated on her. It really doesn't matter that you didn't stick your **** in someone else. All the communication leading up to that was cheating and you'd be wise to own up to that.
> 
> 
> She would have been better off using a sperm donor than getting into this situation with a stranger.
> 
> 
> 
> Hmm, is she from Texas by chance?
> 
> 
> 
> Get into therapy for your sex addiction and stop using her body as a replacement for that addiction. You will not be a safe partner until you fix yourself.


In the case where I see sex as a replacement for addiction to porn, perhaps that's the mindset that's keeping me trapped. I need to rediscover sex for what it really is and not be blinded. Yeah, boundaries are boundaries. But in case there be no mercy, those who don't give mercy shouldn't expect to receive it themselves. Just sayin.


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## Mr.Married

Am I getting the following correct?

You had a long distance relationship with a woman from a foreign country which you have just moved to and she immediately wanted to get pregnant and now is ?


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## BeyondRepair007

onlyhuman123 said:


> But in case there be no mercy, those who don't give mercy shouldn't expect to receive it themselves. Just sayin.


Which is exactly why you're not a safe partner.

She gave you mercy after the first time.
And what did you do with it?
She gave you mercy after your online affair.
And what did you do with it?

And now you're like "oh it's just twice in 2 months what's she on about"

It's time for her to protect herself and stop showing you mercy until you can prove you're worth it.
I'm not convinced you are.


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## onlyhuman123

Mr.Married said:


> Am I getting the following correct?
> 
> You had a long distance relationship with a woman from a foreign country which you have just moved to and she immediately wanted to get pregnant and now is ?


That is correct.


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## Mr.Married

onlyhuman123 said:


> That is correct.


and this woman has grown up poor ?


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## BigDaddyNY

onlyhuman123 said:


> BeyondRepair007 thank you so much... Yes, she does consider it cheating. No grey area. It is true that I have had the wrong perspective on this as in belittling the issue. At the same time, with the plague of porn on humanity and namely men and in this current world, who then can survive. That is the best advice, to treat it as if I cheated according to its conventional definition. Ball be in her court, can only do my best which is what I'm doing starting with confessing to her mom what I have done. I am trying to treat it as seriously as I can. Thank you for the link provided.


This is the way you need to look at it. You said in your OP that she won't allow room for being human, that you slipped up with the porn. Imagine making the same statement if the slip up was having sex with another person. 


If I'm reading right, you were in the long distance relationship for 2 years prior to ever physically getting together 53 days ago? Was it during that LDR that you where online attempting to get with other women?


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## BeyondRepair007

onlyhuman123 said:


> BeyondRepair007 thank you so much... Yes, she does consider it cheating. No grey area. It is true that I have had the wrong perspective on this as in belittling the issue. At the same time, with the plague of porn on humanity and namely men and in this current world, who then can survive. That is the best advice, to treat it as if I cheated according to its conventional definition. Ball be in her court, can only do my best which is what I'm doing starting with confessing to her mom what I have done. I am trying to treat it as seriously as I can. Thank you for the link provided.


I missed this reply. My hope is restored.
This is the right approach and the right attitude.


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## JustAnj

Being human has nothing to do with repeatedly disrespecting your wife and making outside choices that affect your marriage. Your chosing to minimize your actions and chosing to continue porn use. 

Once is enough, after understanding it shouldn't happen again. As a mature adult you should know that if you agree to something you should keep your word and be understanding of the consequences if you do not. 

You can not continue to blame your wife for your poor choices and immature behavior. 

Take accountability for yourself and stop counting the days, this is not a school project. Keep your word and don't use. 

Your old enough to limit exposures to allow you to gain tolerance of your surroundings overtime. 

I suggest you get therapy to find out the reasons why you seek validation through sex and women.


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## BecauseSheWeeps

Well I'm confused. You were with her for 2 years, but just met her 53 days ago and already know that she's pregnant?


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## snowbum

You seriously married a woman you were with for a week ( other than on line)? And since have tried to cheat? Wow. A real catch.


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## Cynthia

You aren't taking this seriously. You are using an "everyone else is doing it" approach to this situation. That's how children respond, not mature, responsible adults. You are not entitled to forgiveness. You are not entitled to mercy. You are not entitled to be married to her. Yet, your comments show that you think you are. As another poster stated, "she gets to have boundaries." If you don't like her boundaries, too bad.


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## Mr.Married

Overseas White Knighting from a knight not white.

100 different levels of “not a real relationship”

People are so strange…..


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## frusdil

Mr.Married said:


> Overseas White Knighting from a knight not white.
> 
> 100 different levels of “not a real relationship”
> 
> People are so strange…..


I know right? The whole thing is just bizarre.


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## MJJEAN

onlyhuman123 said:


> I am a recovering porn addict.
> 
> I have actually done worse before as in attempting to sleep with other women but without cheating (either to no avail or I didn't follow through with it)
> 
> We got married 1 week into meeting for the first time.
> 
> Having a baby was prioritized
> 
> At the same time, she acknowledges that "all men are pigs" and that "men will be men", always "finding the hotter younger thing."


What I'm getting from this is a bitter possibly mentally unstable woman married a porn addicted cheating ass she literally just met and doesn't actually know because she desperately wanted a baby.

Well, congratulations! You both made piss poor decisions and now there's an innocent baby going to be born into this disaster. Poor kid. Going to grow up with a man hating mom and a father who personifies why she feels that way.


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## Mr.Married

MJJEAN said:


> What I'm getting from this is a bitter possibly mentally unstable woman married a porn addicted cheating ass she literally just met and doesn't actually know because she desperately wanted a baby.
> 
> Well, congratulations! You both made piss poor decisions and now there's an innocent baby going to be born into this disaster. Poor kid. Going to grow up with a man hating mom and a father who personifies why she feels that way.


I’m going with a guy who never could muster up a real woman face to face and developed a porn habit young due to no luck with real women. He found an overseas poor chick online who immediately put the baby shackle around his neck as fast as she could when they actually met for real.

A girl gotta do what a girl gotta do. 😳


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## DamianDamian

Just find a normal woman that doesn't mind porn and then DONT CHEAT ON HER. Lol


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## In Absentia

You used each other. You wanted a woman, she wanted a baby, so you got married. Now she doesn't need you any more, so she is blaming the porn for splitting up. This is what is going on... Good luck with that!


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## Cynthia

In Absentia said:


> You used each other. You wanted a woman, she wanted a baby, so you got married. Now she doesn't need you any more, so she is blaming the porn for splitting up. This is what is going on... Good luck with that!


I don't think this is what's happening. 
First off, many people, myself included, consider porn to be a serious marriage offense. His wife appears to be in that category.
I'm having a little trouble understanding exactly what's going on, but it sounds like he was engaging inappropriately with another woman, which is bad enough, but they are also newly weds.
While it is possible that she's using him, his behavior is outlandish. I can't blame her for being highly offended and ready to call it quits. If she was using him, he's made it very convenient for her. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## In Absentia

Cynthia said:


> While it is possible that she's using him


She got married to him after a week... surely that's not normal?


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## BecauseSheWeeps

MJJEAN said:


> What I'm getting from this is a bitter possibly mentally unstable woman married a porn addicted cheating ass she literally just met and doesn't actually know because she desperately wanted a baby.
> 
> Well, congratulations! You both made piss poor decisions and now there's an innocent baby going to be born into this disaster. Poor kid. Going to grow up with a man hating mom and a father who personifies why she feels that way.


Wait, what did I miss that she's a man hating mom? Fill me in. Maybe she's just really very extremely young with a very low self esteem?


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## Cynthia

In Absentia said:


> She got married to him after a week... surely that's not normal?


Of course, it's not normal. But that doesn't mean she married him to play him. In the short time they have been married, he has behaved very badly. They both married each other without truly knowing each other. They both made some poor choices. Her complaints are all related directly to truly bad behavior. He hasn't indicated any gaslighting or manipulation tactics. He has only stated her response to his actual behavior.


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## MJJEAN

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Wait, what did I miss that she's a man hating mom? Fill me in. Maybe she's just really very extremely young with a very low self esteem?


Bout here..



onlyhuman123 said:


> she acknowledges that "all men are pigs" and that "men will be men", always "finding the hotter younger thing."


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## vk1996

I am the "wife" and since I realized there are a lot of misunderstandings here, I feel like I should clear some things up (including my name).
First of all, yes, I do come from a poor country but I wasn't raised by a poor family. Quite the opposite. As a child I had everything, including moral guide and support, and I am very thankful that my parents raised me so well. As far as financials go - the gentleman that started up the topic for sure had better job and opportunities BUT almost never managed to save up a penny. So any financial benefit, I was aware I cannot count on.
Moving on. We have been in an online relationship for a little over year and a half. During that period, the author was married to his ex (in the face of God and law) and right after separating with her - he started paying me attention and putting up the pressure that I am slowing us down by asking him to first settle the divorce documents. For me, it was important that the ex is not in the picture anymore. Sure, he ended it with her and pursued more serious plans with me but I caught him cheating multiple times with multiple ACTUAL women (last one of which was this summer between May and June). He even went as far as paying her $100 for a blowjob which he says he didn't receive but who knows at this point. When it comes to porn, I was promised that even though it`s been recurring issue, while with me it will be no problem at all as he just seeks physical attention and I would be more than enough. I was naive to believe him and proceed with the same plans we had - making a family.
After coming to my city and home, he received blessings and respects from my parents and I would say I treated him well from the very start. Including giving him all the physical attention he said it`s a guarantee to not cheat. We never got officially married and what he did was a prayer to God to marry us. I am personally not traditional in that sense, so I just fulfilled his own wish and beliefs. I got pregnant shortly after his arrival which apparently was his cue to say and do whatever he wants, thinking that baby is securing his spot. I caught him one time with the pictures of his ex wife, I caught him second time watching random porn, I caught him third time ON THE SPOT with his pants down and that was kinda pathetic as he couldn't even confess the obvious. Tip of the iceberg is the message I saw on his phone the next morning which was "I love you" by a phone number that was not registered as a contact. So that was it. Yes, I decided it`s better if he leaves. In this case, I`m protecting my own peace and by protecting my peace, I am also protecting my baby. It`s a first pregnancy for me, so you could imagine how stressful it is if you lose trust in your partner and you don`t know what he is doing behind your back. And especially if beforehand that same person has been offending you time and time again by saying coming to you and your country has been the biggest mistake of his life and saying how much better he was prior to meeting you.
By the way, I am not a man-hating female but I do have very old-fashioned views about the roles of a man and a woman. And let`s just say that nowadays roles are horribly switched, or the woman takes both roles and is expected to be fine with that. Which is what makes a huge % of males insignificant to me.
Thank you all for the comments and for the understanding. I am very much against unnecessary judgment - it is what it is and some people just don`t change. We all have our path in life and he chose his by making poor decisions and sacrificing what he had with me. Hopefully in future we both mature in our own way.


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## Cynthia

@vk1996, I'm sorry that you are going through this. Are you saying that the two of you aren't legally married?


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## Casual Observer

onlyhuman123 said:


> BeyondRepair007 thank you so much... Yes, she does consider it cheating. No grey area. It is true that I have had the wrong perspective on this as in belittling the issue. At the same time, with the plague of porn on humanity and namely men and in this current world, who then can survive. That is the best advice, to treat it as if I cheated according to its conventional definition. Ball be in her court, can only do my best which is what I'm doing starting with confessing to her mom what I have done. I am trying to treat it as seriously as I can. Thank you for the link provided.


You need to confess to YOURSELF what you have done and not be do flippant about desire that violates standard boundaries in marriage. It’s not just a porn issue, based on your attempted but failed transgressions with other women.


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## vk1996

Cynthia said:


> @vk1996, I'm sorry that you are going through this. Are you saying that the two of you aren't legally married?


Thank you for the understanding.
Yes, we are not legally married. He subscribes to the so called "God Marriage". I personally do believe in God but I am not religious at all .. and in that sense, I simply wanted to support his own views. I would imagine, though, that someone that is so concerned about Bible and what's right / wrong by God, would be less shallow and more humble (especially when it comes to taking accountability in all forms). Currently, he is back to his own country but he keeps texting regularly how I used him to get a child, how I made a mistake by separating him from me and the baby, and how he is a changed man. The fact he keeps putting me through stress like this shows he doesn't care about how I feel or about the baby whatsoever, he just wants benefits for his own self - comfort of a home like before, a good wife that takes care of the kids, meanwhile taking care of his own selfish needs, and meanwhile working while he is taking his sweet rest on the couch. No, this ain't for me. I`d rather be a solo parent and dedicate my life and time to the baby, than have a baby + another child (MAN-child).


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## Cynthia

vk1996 said:


> Thank you for the understanding.
> Yes, we are not legally married. He subscribes to the so called "God Marriage". I personally do believe in God but I am not religious at all .. and in that sense, I simply wanted to support his own views. I would imagine, though, that someone that is so concerned about Bible and what's right / wrong by God, would be less shallow and more humble (especially when it comes to taking accountability in all forms). Currently, he is back to his own country but he keeps texting regularly how I used him to get a child, how I made a mistake by separating him from me and the baby, and how he is a changed man. The fact he keeps putting me through stress like this shows he doesn't care about how I feel or about the baby whatsoever, he just wants benefits for his own self - comfort of a home like before, a good wife that takes care of the kids, meanwhile taking care of his own selfish needs, and meanwhile working while he is taking his sweet rest on the couch. No, this ain't for me. I`d rather be a solo parent and dedicate my life and time to the baby, than have a baby + another child (MAN-child).


Unfortunately you believed your ears over your eyes. Now you are believing your eyes and know that he is using all his God and repentance talk to manipulate you, not because he actually believes it.


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## Divinely Favored

onlyhuman123 said:


> That is correct.


I would wonder if it is actually your child or was she knocked up just prior to your arrival? DNA.


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