# Confused and unsure



## alexlee83 (Oct 20, 2012)

Hi all,

A little about the situation I am in...

In March of this year my wife wanted a trial separation with a view to either staying together or splitting up. I found this very hard to accept at the time. She had recently been under therapy for some mental health issues and I assumed it was this rearing its ugly head again. I was horrible to her during this time and shouted and screamed at her and called her all the names under the sun.

She decided, and rightly so, to end it. Being in the forces I moved out of our marital house and into single man accommodation. I found it hard to adjust, not seeing my kids anymore and also not being with my wife.

We both met other people very quick. The typical rebound relationships and barely spoke two words to each other. I found myself in the relationship to replace what I had lost with her, although it was never really the same.

Anyway, after 5 and a half months we started texting each other more and then speaking when we dropped/collected kids off. I ended it with the other woman I had met as my ex wife had said some things that made me feel like that there was a chance at us working. However over the next couple of days she then started saying that she doesn't want an us, not just once or twice but quite a lot. This shocked me, she even said that she realises it was that she cares for me but doesn't want me. I got low again and went out and "pulled" again. 

Now last weekend I had my kids and after I had dropped them off I was driving back to where I now live and I received a text from my ex wife saying that I looked great now. I'll admit that this made me happy, and over the next couple of days she started sending texts suggesting that she had thought lately that she wanted to have sex with me again, like in the good old days but still doesn't want an "us".

Now I am no fool and said to her that however much I'd like too, it would be far to complicated and emotional. She understood this and I still gathered from the texts that she doesn't want an us.

I slept with this other woman and the other day had my kids again, and afterwards stayed to chat with my ex wife. She found out that I had slept with this other woman and she was visibly jealous of it. She said that she had sent the message about wanting to sleep with me and that the bit about not wanting an us was more of a smoke screen, that she does want an us but now doesn't want "it", being the whole marriage thing. She likes her life as it is now but still wants me.

Now, I am really confused as to where to go from here, what to do or say. 

I know this all comes across as quite confusing so apologies.

Thanks for reading


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

I think it's confusing because your wife is making it confusing. She wants it, but not us, but now she wants an us but not like 'that' and all of it sounds like she wants you at her beck and call without any real commitment.

You need to get her to spell it out for you. Are you supposed to forsake all other women and wait by the phone in your bachelor apartment until she needs you for something?


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## alexlee83 (Oct 20, 2012)

I did question her on it. She told me before that she doesn't want me to stop getting on with my life but like I said, was visibly jealous and readily admitted it. She says she does want an us but isn't sure if our marriage could work ever again because so much has happened and changed.

Its hard because lets say 4 months ago, she didn't want me, then all of a sudden she does want me now but doesn't want the marriage thing. Do you think she is thinking "at the moment", I mean she has turned her thoughts round about wanting me from when we split.

She has always said that she feels as if she was pressurised into making a decision when we first split because of my actions. Could she be coming round to an idea of being together again or am I just getting my hopes up?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

You admit to verbally abusing her, which is good to admit.

Once she found out you had a gf it made her jealous. So she still has feelings for you.

She has very mixed feelings, and they vary from day today. Typical in a split situation.

Do you want to reconcile? 

Would you want to attend marriage counseling for awhile to help sort out your mutual feelings?
If so would you both agree not to see other people while attending MC? 
If it were me, and I wanted to give my marriage another shot I would set the terms: we attend MC for 6 months and don't sleep with other people during that time. 
Her idea of being one foot in, one foot out of a marriage sounds like a recipe for torment. Esp. with kids involved.

If she does want her family back she will agree to the terms. If she does not agree to the terms, then DON'T sleep with her and tell her that she can get back to you if and when she wants to proceed with the above. 

One of you needs to come up with a concrete plan here, and it looks like it's going to be you.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Jane_Doe said:


> I think it's confusing because your wife is making it confusing. She wants it, but not us, but now she wants an us but not like 'that' and all of it sounds like she wants you at her beck and call without any real commitment.
> 
> You need to get her to spell it out for you. Are you supposed to forsake all other women and wait by the phone in your bachelor apartment until she needs you for something?


:iagree:


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## alexlee83 (Oct 20, 2012)

I would love to reconcile. It's her that I feel that wouldn't. 

We met this evening for a meal and discussed it some more. I said that I didn't want to feel like I am at her beck and call and that it's unfair on me! She agreed with that but said that she can't help feeling the way she does. When I said that I won't be used for sex and then put down again when she doesn't need me. She said that it's not just the sex, she wants the cuddles and being able to talk and just chill etc but doesn't know if it'll work as a marriage because so much has changed and happened. That's she is happy with where she is at but at the same time can't help but wish she still had the good times we used to have. 

I can admit that I was verbally abusive at the end of the relationship. And I will not try and make excuses for it. If I hadn't been then maybe I wouldn't be here now!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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