# I really need some advise, this has never happened to me before.



## TheBoxedGuy (Aug 26, 2010)

Hi Everyone,

I am new here, I hope I can get some advice. My and my wife have 2 children 1 girl almost 2 and a 5 (going on 6) year old boy. About 4 years ago when my son was about 1.5 her and I weren't doing so well, we broke up a few times from fighting, we couldn't stand to look at each other, I was going out to bars in "pick up mode" figuring our relationship was over, this lasted for about 8 months. We managed to since repair that and re-kindle the love by moving away to another city with our son and just enjoying us, it worked! I have never looked back at those times we were both confused. 

My wife confessed to something I never want to hear again; she cheated on me one night and barely remembers doing it (I know this happens to her because when we sometimes partied, she woke up asked me "did we do it?"), she woke up and it was happening in a hotel where her and her other friends went to party and mainly she was with her best friend who was after this guy so she stuck around for her, anyway, it was during this rough time in our relationship about 4 years ago. How do you handle this? I have since bought a house for the family and everything is perfect, has been since we re-kindled the love. I want to forgive her, I want to repair this for our family and for us but how do you do this? Is this the right thing to do? Forgive and try to forget? 

Part of me doesn't blame her for doing it, because a) She doesn't remember when or how it happened she only remembers waking up half way through and then leaving right away not knowing what just happened and b) It was the rough time, I too was on the prowl but never went any further.

Very confused, please help


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

If you want to work your marriage out, I think the two of you are more than capable. You sound like you are still in shock about it all right now. How long ago did she tell you?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Basically, she got lucky and you didn't, it that right?

Look... it's in the past. You can dwell on it if you want but that won't help. The positions could easily be reversed and what would you want your wife to say to you?

You have rebuilt the marriage, don't blow it now over something that can not be changed.


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## TheBoxedGuy (Aug 26, 2010)

DawD, last night she told me. I am in shock, somewhat, maybe not as so much shocked but more confused as to how or where to go from here, I have never had this happen before. I am a mixed bag of emotions. I want to forget about it and get the picture out of my mind and carry on with the existing relationship we have but part of me wants to say $%#&R this, pack her bags and start the divorce process. is this something that can even be forgiven?


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## TheBoxedGuy (Aug 26, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> Basically, she got lucky and you didn't, it that right?
> 
> Look... it's in the past. You can dwell on it if you want but that won't help. The positions could easily be reversed and what would you want your wife to say to you?
> 
> You have rebuilt the marriage, don't blow it now over something that can not be changed.


Good point, I had many chances but never carried on with actually doing it, perhaps I wasn't drunk enough either, either way yes Chris that is correct. I can say 100% that if I did get drunk enough back in those rough times that yes, I too would have did it and thinking back to those days, I probably would have did it more than once... Those were some really rough times.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

well one thing is for certain, she told you only because she wanted to tell you. This is info she could have kept hidden from you period. Many men and women on this forum would jump at the chance for a 2nd chance like you have. Let her know this will take some time to get over at the same time express that you want to continue forward with rebuilding your marriage.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

She followed through with what you intended to do. Sounds to me like you have no room to be seriously angry. Hurt, yes. For you, this is like it just happened. But I would not end it over this. You two rebuilt your relationship, and I would not throw away all that hard work over something that happened before you rebuilt it. If you feel you need counseling to get past it, then get counseling. Just don't give up.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Do you know why she told has decided to tell you about this now and would you have preferred to find out direct from her, from somebody else or to have found out some other way.

If she told you because it was weighing on her conscience and she felt you had both got to a good place in the relationship where she felt safe to share and wanted everything to be upfront and no secrets, then that's a good thing isn't it?

Not saying it's going to be easy for you to deal with, but IMHO you should work with her, with counselling if necessary, and you'll likely get past this.


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## TheBoxedGuy (Aug 26, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> She followed through with what you intended to do. Sounds to me like you have no room to be seriously angry. Hurt, yes. For you, this is like it just happened. But I would not end it over this. You two rebuilt your relationship, and I would not throw away all that hard work over something that happened before you rebuilt it. If you feel you need counseling to get past it, then get counseling. Just don't give up.


Yes, I told her I understand (somewhat) given the time. I had intentions as well and she knows that but I guess somehow deep down I knew we'd get over it and work it out so I never did follow through with it, even with the chances I did have. I am not really angry per se, I am more hurt, confused, maybe confused is not the right word but there is a feeling i can't really explain. I did tell her we'll work this out, I plan on taking a trip away this weekend just me and my camp and my fishing rod, something to clear the head. That has always helped get a handle on the twist and turns life throws at ya


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## TheBoxedGuy (Aug 26, 2010)

Thanks for the responses guys, I think we'll work this out as hard as it may be


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

TheBoxedGuy said:


> I want to forget about it and get the picture out of my mind and carry on with the existing relationship


You want to forget about it and *she can't remember it!!!! *Let me tell you my husband had never laid a hand on me but one night got so completely drunk, DUI, the whole nine, he did....he doesn't remember. Guess what, the police told him what he did, beat him up, arrested him, drove me back to our hotel very politely.....yada yada yada. My husband quit drinking and worked on himself.....I forgive him completely for that night.

I guess what I'm saying is in the grand scheme of things, this is no biggie...she was not in her right mind at the time and this is not her normal protocal....in this instance, forgive and forget <3


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## TheBoxedGuy (Aug 26, 2010)

Yogachick, Wow sounds like a crazy night, had many of those too  

Your advice is correct. What I didn't agree with in my case is that she went to a hotel from the bar with those guys and her best friend, or so I thought... but that is not the case (thankfully). She left the bar with her best friend because her best friend wanted to meet up with a guy she met at the place where she works and she didn't want to go alone, next thing she knew she somewhat came to reality (maybe buzz was wearing off) and was having sex with some guy then got up and was disoriented and scared, she thought her friend left her there with these guys and she had no idea who those guys were. They left right away and went to my uncles to sleep. I remember that night wondering "what the #@$%%$, where is she?", I had a feeling for a long time that something happened.


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