# How hard is a divorce... really?



## grayhound

I've been with him for 10 years, married a few... I think I may need to end it.

Naturally, I'm really scared to even think about this. We've both been depressed, we treat each other like brother and sister... the spark is totally gone and I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.

We've been in counseling... we both say we love each other, but we both agree that this is not a fulfilling relationship (whatever that means).

So... we don't have kids, we have a dog... a ton of debt, a new mortgage, two cars and I'm currently not working full time... he makes 80-90% of the money in the household. Oh, and I'm over 2000 miles away from all of my friends and family  I have zero support here, but the idea of going back home doesn't sound appealing, either. I have no idea where to go.

How hard will it be for me to strike out on my own, get an apartment, file for divorce and figure this all out?

We will always remain friends, I know that. We have a strong friendship, but that's it. We both deserve better. I have this feeling that we'll end up comforting each other through this, which sounds deranged.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Can you give me advice? I'm reallllllllly nervous. 

I know it's going to hurt emotionally... but maybe I'm not understanding the scope of how much it's going to hurt?

Thank you!


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## keke1

Divorce is the hardest thing to do in the world...even though you are not in live you will experience all the steps of Grief...think it through all the way...Divorce is so hard...but it is durable..I have been through a divorce one thing I learned to do is to see my fault in the divorce stop blaming him...and feel every emotion that came with the day...some days I couldn't get out of bed those days I stayed in bed but I got back up and faced the reality that was in front of me...make sure you have a strong support system around you not to take sides but to work towards your healing.....

go to this site DivorceCare: Divorce Recovery Support Groups this site helped me tremendously....Get into counseling to work through those different feelings....Take it one day at a time...it will be an emotional rollar coaster...one good thing you don't have any kids to tie you two together....

Good Luck!


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## keke1

Sorry not typo "IN LOVE"


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## michzz

Start preparing to support yourself.

Even if you stay, a job is critical in these times.

Find one.

And investigate your options as described by the other posters.


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## tamara24

I realize you said you feel like brother and sister and there is no spark. But have you tried anything and everything before you come to the decision of divorce? Counseling, reading books, asking what each others needs are,spending time together?

I ask this because you mentioned both of you are depressed and that can lead to a grass is greener on the other side feeling. Also being homesick can add to it. Maybe you should try finding things that you can do together. Join a book club,find a church, pick up a new hobby,meet some new people. That can add something you might be missing and maybe even resentful forand didn't even know it.

Maybe a new job would stimulate things to for you?  I am in the thinking about divorce mode and I do have kids and the choices don't effect just me but all three of us. I know the feelings you described but I also know thatthat because of things we could not control, our marraige became dormant and so routine the spark left. We are working on things and some days are harder than others. I am taking my time in deciding my fate because I want to walk away with the knowledge that I left leaving no stone unturned and that I will not have any regrets in my decision down the road. I have read all sorts of posts here and some have mentioned the regret they have for leaving their spouse. 

Just investigate why you feel that way first. Is there needs that are not being met, is the sexual relationship lacking, are you spending time with each other, are you unhappy with yourself,homesick? Finally ask which of these things can change,are you also willing to change and if you want things to change. Also try counseling for the depression so you can make a clear decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toolate

Even if you have no feelings left it is hard. I urge you to explore the possibility that your depression and your husbands are contributing to the demise of the spark between you. If you divorce, it would be easier if you did move to where your friends and family are rather than staying somewhere you claim to have no support system. Why would you do that to yourself if you dont have to? It sounds very doomsdayish to wan to remain in a place where you earn very little income, have no support system and the person you do know you are divorcing. Perhaps you are not in a place to make a decision to divorce with the kind of thinking you are expressing here... on any depression meds? If yes, switch bc the one you are on is not helping your outlook. If no, try one since you sound little capable of pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. 

The decision to divorce should only be made from a place of strength not weakness.


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## FCHAVEZ

toolate said:


> The decision to divorce should only be made from a place of strength not weakness.


:iagree:

You need to make sure you have considered all your options before you decide. Do you have any other couples as friends? Sometimes that can be a great support system when you are having trouble.


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## wifeinneedofhelp

WOW. you honestly sound just like me. Its like we BOTH are going thru the same thing. Its was shocking to read it actually. Unlike you though we both havent been together for that long, we do have a kid but i dont think we see each other as brother or sister. my problems fidelity and how to forgive and his too close for comfort female friend. 
I too am scared sh**less. I dont know what to do, I have already started looking for jobs, and in my head even making plans for myself and our son. In what i should do. Emotionally though I dont think i can prepare myself. Everyday it scares me more and more. Everyday I wish things would be different. I wish you good luck. Sorry if i wasnt much of any help.


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## grayhound

wifeinneedofhelp... I'm so sorry you are in a similar situation  I feel ya... take it day by day, that's what I've been doing.

Things have gotten a little better, but I still feel the pull to get out. Been sleeping in different beds for now. I have no idea what is next.

Thanks for the advice everyone


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