# Some help would be nice..Please



## CHARYBDIS (Jul 11, 2009)

Thanks in advance for any light you can shed on this for me.
I’ll try to be brief but this is a forty year story. We were married young and at that time we had an OK sexual relationship. We moved in with my sister and her husband and after a couple of months she was pregnant with our first son. She got on a bus and went back to her mother. I followed and we got an apt and had the baby together. Over the next few years our sex life was pretty bad but we managed to have two more babies. After the third my wife went to work and promptly had an affair with a co-worker, she denied it for a while but when caught she moved in with him until he wanted her to leave and she came home. She never apologized and refused to ever talk about it again. She wouldn’t go to counseling. Sex more or less stopped at that point and except for a few times over the next couple of years that resulted in two more babies we were without any, Over the next thirty years she has had several affairs if you can call sex hook-ups, phone sex , cyber-sex etc affairs. Me? No sex in thirty years. She won’t talk about it and if I become too insistent she just says really cruel things and tells me if I don’t like it I should leave. I know at some level she is afraid I will leave but I don’t want to die like this. Being sad and horny for thirty years is just no way to live.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I don't understand why you are with her? Religious reasons? She doesn't seem to be very religious, seems like she is completely amoral. 

Don't let the rest of your life continue on like this, we only get one ride on this roller coaster. I would have divorced long ago...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

wait....you had more babies with her after she cheated on you?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

CHARYBDIS said:


> Thanks in advance for any light you can shed on this for me.
> I’ll try to be brief but this is a forty year story. We were married young and at that time we had an OK sexual relationship. We moved in with my sister and her husband and after a couple of months she was pregnant with our first son. She got on a bus and went back to her mother. I followed and we got an apt and had the baby together. Over the next few years our sex life was pretty bad but we managed to have two more babies. After the third my wife went to work and promptly had an affair with a co-worker, she denied it for a while but when caught she moved in with him until he wanted her to leave and she came home. She never apologized and refused to ever talk about it again. She wouldn’t go to counseling. Sex more or less stopped at that point and except for a few times over the next couple of years that resulted in two more babies we were without any, Over the next thirty years she has had several affairs if you can call sex hook-ups, phone sex , cyber-sex etc affairs. Me? No sex in thirty years. She won’t talk about it and if I become too insistent she just says really cruel things and tells me if I don’t like it I should leave. I know at some level she is afraid I will leave but I don’t want to die like this. Being sad and horny for thirty years is just no way to live.


Wow. She doesn't have any respect for you. You need to DNA the kids and divorce. Not Necessarily in that order. No need to pay for someone else's FT.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

CHARYBDIS- You tell a really sad story. I am reminded of a post I read from 2009, let's see if I can find it. Oh, yes. Here it is-

"I won't bore you with a bunch of sad details but in a nutshell here is my dilemma
Been married 36 years
Sex was never good but ok for the first year
Not so much as a kiss in the last 20 years
She seems to have a normal sex drive. caught her having netsex , phone sex, and perhaps a couple of short term affairs.
She says she loves me and doesn't want a divorce but will never have sex with me again.
I'm not a toad. I try to be a good and patient lover.
I make a good living and am not a controlling person. 
She won't do any kind of counseling and won't discuss it any more
I have thought about having a lover but could never bring myself to do such a thing
I think about it every day and it breaks my heart.


What do you think?"

That was posted on 08-02-2009 by..... YOU.

So, in your latest post, you ask someone to shed some light on your ongoing situation.

How 'bout this?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Or this-

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

Or maybe this-

You are defined by your choices. The reason you haven't had sex in 30 years with a wife who shares her love with other men is because you choose to stay in this situation.

And after being in it for 30 years? After posting about it on TAM 5 years ago?

You aren't looking for a change, you're just looking for sympathy.

I don't have any sympathy just now, but I do feel a lot of pity for you, which isn't the same thing at all.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dude, your problem isn't a topic for the "sex in marriage" forum. Your problem is for the "coping with infidelity" and "my spouse has zero respect for me" forums. Until you resolve the other issues in your marriage, you have no hope of a sex life with your wife. 

C


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

NotLikeYou said:


> I don't have any sympathy just now, but I do feel a lot of pity for you, which isn't the same thing at all.


:iagree:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Uhhh... Divorce. Five minutes ago, yesterday, and forty years ago.

I'd say DNA your kids, but I'm betting they're all grown. Still, if they're willing, I'd do it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Excuse me but why the hell would any decent man ever and I mean ever put up with with a wife like that.....you don't need advice you need a real life....how many times do you have to be cheated on before you say adios.....dear god will please wake up or at least have your own affair...because this woman you married does not care about your feelings.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Charybdis - I empathise with you, completely. I'm also with 'Notlikeyou' (a cop?!!).

What is absolutely crystal clear to us all is that you need to get out...divorce...whatever but leave and start afresh.

However 'we' are not 'you'. Maybe apart from the lack of sex with your wife, her infidelity etc you have a good life. Nice house, decent car(s), international holidays etc....if you divorce all that will change. It is a big price to pay....a big decision to make. You are quite possibly scared....better the devil you know etc.

You have got to do something that is right for YOU...something you feel you are able to do. If that is divorce then do it....if it means you having you having an affair or paying for sex then do it.

All we know about you is what you post...we don't know how you really live...so we can only comment on what you write...and based on that you are being used etc. Get out.

You do what you feel you are able to do. If all that is is coming on TAM to vent, moan, whinge etc then I will 'listen' and respond to you....for I know how much being able to vent to a sympathic and empathetic ear means.


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## extremneed (May 26, 2014)

accidently


CHARYBDIS said:


> Thanks in advance for any light you can shed on this for me.
> I’ll try to be brief but this is a forty year story. We were married young and at that time we had an OK sexual relationship. We moved in with my sister and her husband and after a couple of months she was pregnant with our first son. She got on a bus and went back to her mother. I followed and we got an apt and had the baby together. Over the next few years our sex life was pretty bad but we managed to have two more babies. After the third my wife went to work and promptly had an affair with a co-worker, she denied it for a while but when caught she moved in with him until he wanted her to leave and she came home. She never apologized and refused to ever talk about it again. She wouldn’t go to counseling. Sex more or less stopped at that point and except for a few times over the next couple of years that resulted in two more babies we were without any, Over the next thirty years she has had several affairs if you can call sex hook-ups, phone sex , cyber-sex etc affairs. Me? No sex in thirty years. She won’t talk about it and if I become too insistent she just says really cruel things and tells me if I don’t like it I should leave. I know at some level she is afraid I will leave but I don’t want to die like this. Being sad and horny for thirty years is just no way to live.


My husband would understand your plight, I noticed that other people here ask why you are still with her, I know why my husband is with me still, he tried a divorce in 87, came home one morning and said he wanted a life, he said that he wanted what other men had. Put me on a bus for home with 5000.00, and every week getting another 658.00 as maintenance He was getting about 2/3 of this amount. 

2 years later his mother and father and me and my mother were standing in front of a conference room at the county court house. His father was telling my mother how he considered what his son was doing to be a really stinking thing to do, when my husband showed up about 20 minutes before the hearing he had just got off work for one hour, The company was not willing to allow any time for legal matters, except for jury duty. When my husband arrived he was covered in iron chips, oil, and coolant and had been sweating hard because the temp outside was already in the mid 90s, you could add a thirty degree rise in the plant. My mother asked why he did this, and he said the last time me and your daughter had sex was before we married. He said he was tired of never being allowed a day off, said he was tired of me expecting him to respond to society first. He looked at his father and told my mother he was really tired of me looking to his father about every little thing that he did not want to do. His father said here it is again crying because he has to do a little work, recently I found that little work over a 31 year period was an average workday of 13.4 hours per day and another average of one day off every four years. 

This was a little work, this is the type of life I helped my father in law force my husband in to. His mother looked at him and said there is always a hope for things to get better, This stuff can't go on forever, his father just said what I don't understand is why a full grown man cry's about a little work and a few missed weekends and holidays, we went into the conference room, the mediator sat down , and took some paperwork out, my husband thought he was just going to sign a property division and dissolution form, when the mediator said due to my bi polar condition my husband could not come up with the resources for my lifelong care, So the divorce was denied on the grounds that it would cost the taxpayer to much for me.
The appeal was a prohibitive cost so we remained married. He remained doing the same things and I moved back in, Nothing made his life any better. 

He's had a very bad medical time First with a brain tummer, then appendices and gall bladder surgery, And loosing feeling in his legs in 2009, due to MRSA in his spine, he has turned into a man with a fuse so short everyone runs if he looks angry, Last year after discovering me in an affair he turned into MR Hyde. He hurt the man, his father said it was a minor humiliation, My husband was just going to talk, he was walking past the man, my husband uses a cane for support in the house when the man reached out and yanked the cane out from under my husbands hand putting him on the floor.

The response was devastating, the guy I was with still wakes up after a year screaming, then two weeks later my husband decided he was not going to accept the premise there is always tomorrow, I had agreed to go to a political function with a friend of his fathers, my husband was in a stress center for anger management, and his father thought it would get me out of the house. We were notified my husband needed a ride from the center but his father wanted a little bit of teaching his son a lesson, We thought he was going to have to walk the 20 miles home, his insurance paid the taxi and he walked through the door just as I finished getting ready. 

My husband informed me I was not going, He said I owed him 31 years of life, I took off for the door and he ripped my dress off, He said the note is due right now and took what he had been denied, I said I would meet anywhere he wanted after even meet as we came out, he said I told you the event was not going to happen, I promised that we would talk it out, any where he wanted. his answer was why should I believe you. I begged not like this please. He just did not back down, the man I was supposed to accompany came to the door and tried to force his way into the house but my husband threw him face first into a cement drive, His father was horrified that his son would do this, His mother told us both that day that things are not finished, my husband was in and out of hospitals last year.
Both stress centers and medical. This Memorial day things really got bad. His fathers face is still swollen.

His father slapped him after he insulted a guest, and my husband return it a bit latter with a round house backhand and a warning that there will be no more interference from him, and the 4th is shaping up to be the same way. Fathers day is this weekend, His mother wants the hatchet to be buried, My husband said, who's scull.

I try and talk things out, but my husband has become so bitter, a federal attorney has started an investigation into our actions with my husband, my own journals are the main evidence, My husband really turned on everyone that has something to do with denial, my husband can't get out of his situation by legal means, he is crippled, he hurts, and he is not willng to let anyone demand another consession from him, If you have means show my admission of this to your wife, I don't know your personality, but my husbands was forged in training, He is a 3rd dan black belt before his crippling, he was trained in both the army and navy.

His idea of compromise was to meet half way but after he was forced into things like he was he does not believe in compromise, if things keep going this way for you, something called humanity dies, we killed my husbands. don't let it happen to you, talk to your wife, ask if she wants to keep things this way, It will eventually turn what you might have once had into a poison that can hurt many besides yourself.


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## CHARYBDIS (Jul 11, 2009)

Askari
Its not the money I've got plenty and its not the lifestyle I have a quiet and small life. I think more than anything its that I believe in love and without it my life and all the suffering is without meaning and the one thing worse than torture is a meaningless exestance
I guess I'm a romantic who finds himself in a wood chipper.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

CHARYBDIS said:


> I think more than anything its that I believe in love...


Ummm.... ok. But I'm not seeing "love" anywhere in your story. At least not on her end. Again, why have you stayed 30 years with a cheater who treats you poorly?

I'm sorry for what you've been through. Your story makes me very sad 

You deserve better.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Chary - I'm with you on that. All I ever wanted was a normal, physically and emotionally loving marriage. Just like you.

We havent got it neither does it look as if we are going to get it in our current situations. But you have a choice.
It is our fundemental right to be happy in life. When we die we die alone. As you lie there taking your last breaths do you want to think 'if only...why didn't I'...??

This is YOUR life. Go out, get the life you so deserve and don't beat yourself up about it.
IT IS YOUR RIGHT TO BE HAPPY.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

askari said:


> When we die we die alone...


Askari, your post brought tears to my eyes. When my dad was dying of cancer, he looked at me and said, "I finally realize now that we come into this world alone, and we leave this world alone. This is something I have to do by myself."

Sorry, off-topic.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Wow I can't believe some of the stories I read on here... but then again, people are not rational, so maybe I can.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I could have sworn that there was a thread on TAM awhile back that sounded just like what extremneed wrote earlier. Wasn't that a troll thread?


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

CHARYBDIS said:


> ... I think more than anything its that I believe in love and without it my life and all the suffering is without meaning and the one thing worse than torture is a meaningless exestance...


If you believe in love, why haven't you sought to find it? 

*You won't find it with her...she doesn't even like you.*

Stop wasting your life with this person.

Move on and pursue the life you want; the life you deserve.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

extremneed said:


> accidently
> 
> My husband would understand your plight, I noticed that other people here ask why you are still with her, I know why my husband is with me still, he tried a divorce in 87, came home one morning and said he wanted a life, he said that he wanted what other men had. Put me on a bus for home with 5000.00, and every week getting another 658.00 as maintenance He was getting about 2/3 of this amount.
> 
> ...


Assuming that I've read this correctly... 

* You denied your husband sex (for how long?) after marriage.

* You didn't appreciate his hard work, long hours, the fact that he was unable to take time off, etc.

* His father is more or less a terrible human being. Additionally, according to this post, which you appended to another thread, he even set you up w/ other men for the purpose of engaging in affairs w/ them. Wow.

* He was unable to divorce you 27 years ago due to some bullsh*t about you possibly being an undue tax burden on the state (...?!?).

* He recently (?) caught you in an affair w/ another man who attempted to injure him, after which he beat the man so badly that, to this day, he "wakes up screaming".

Did I read this correctly?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

CHARYBDIS said:


> Askari
> Its not the money I've got plenty and its not the lifestyle I have a quiet and small life. I think more than anything its that I believe in love and without it my life and all the suffering is without meaning and the one thing worse than torture is a meaningless exestance
> I guess I'm a romantic who finds himself in a wood chipper.


Divorce your wife, then go find someone w/ whom you can love and be loved in return.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

CHARYBDIS said:


> Askari
> Its not the money I've got plenty and its not the lifestyle I have a quiet and small life. I think more than anything its that I believe in love and without it my life and all the suffering is without meaning and the one thing worse than torture is a meaningless exestance
> I guess I'm a romantic who finds himself in a wood chipper.


Charybdis;

I was member on BPD webbsite some years ago. Many of us were suffering from abusive adulterous spouses and trying to break the bond. There was one elderly gentleman in particular who would post over and over. His story was tragic. He was a very smart successful man, an engineer. but he was in the grips of his wife for 40 year +.

It seems she had a brief affair early in their marriage and although it ended quickly, she turned cold on him and in some 30 years or more she would never allow so much as a kiss, or barley a hug. When she would allow a hug, it was grudging and cold and she would push away. He was tortured even up to now after 30 years reliving the moment he caught his wife with OM in the parking lot in their car.

to make matters worse, she was horribly abusive in other ways and miserable. Yet he still loved her.

Don't know what ever happened to him, i left my ex and that webbsite some years ago.

Don't be that man. Believe in love. Don't give up. it's out there for you somewhere.


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## Sporto (Jun 18, 2012)

Leave!


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Dont wait any longer. Live your life. You deserve it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

extremneed said:


> accidently
> 
> My husband would understand your plight, I noticed that other people here ask why you are still with her, I know why my husband is with me still, he tried a divorce in 87, came home one morning and said he wanted a life, he said that he wanted what other men had. Put me on a bus for home with 5000.00, and every week getting another 658.00 as maintenance He was getting about 2/3 of this amount....
> 
> His idea of compromise was to meet half way but after he was forced into things like he was he does not believe in compromise, if things keep going this way for you, something called humanity dies, we killed my husbands. don't let it happen to you, talk to your wife, ask if she wants to keep things this way, It will eventually turn what you might have once had into a poison that can hurt many besides yourself.


Da'fahq did I just read?! 

You and your father-in-law are possibly the worst human beings on the planet. Assuming this story is real, and it's really hard to believe it is, you are all very lucky that your dog...err I mean "husband" hasn't murdered every one who is even remotely involved in this bull sh!t. How the hell did you not know he was working 13 hour days?

I'm not sure if your story is incredibly hard to believe or if I just don't want to believe someone could be treated this way by two people who are supposed to care about him. If this is true, even 10% true, you all deserve a special place in Hell.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> Da'fahq did I just read?!


I was a bit confused as well. Read her other thread (linked in my post above) for even more fun.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You reap what you sow. When you make a choice to put up with this, you're training your wife, and you've gotten exactly what one would expect.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

This is an issue that needed to be addressed 30 plus years ago. If she refuses to go to counseling why haven't you gone yourself? Why have you permitted this kind of disrespect towards you without confronting it?


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