# My ex commits suicide and leaves 12 yr old son



## NowWhat? (Jul 27, 2010)

I just found this forum and think is great, any advice will be greatly appreciated. This is a bad situation (to say the least). My ex, which I had a son with, and left about 10 yrs ago (son was 2 yrs old at that time) committed suicide,(son knows but not technical details) she had mental issues and marital problems from her current relationship, fortunately I was always able to establish a loving relationship with my son and he knows that I am always there for him. He has been taking things very lightly and almost seems like he is still in full denial, even tho he took full part in the funeral and was a witness to her mother's previous attempts in the last 6 months (I think 4 attempts). I know the emotional scars can be very deep and I am trying my best to seek professional help and support. The major issue at this point is the fact that he was raised for the last 9 years with the current step dad, and has also a 5 yr old brother, as his father my obvious reaction is to have him move in and live with me, (currently married for 8 yrs and with a 7 yr old daughter) he knows my current wife and daughter and has a very good relationship with them, but when it comes to making and official "move" he expresses a lot of worry for his younger brother and a new school, his step dad has expressed his love and interest in keeping my son, as his family cares a lot for him, but this is such a confusing time everything has happened so fast (3 months) and with the school year starting next month I am in a real hard place. Like I said my Father feelings kick in and want my son living with me but on the same token I do not want to make a bad situation WORSE by me making him move in with me and have the feelings of loosing his mother + loosing the life he had with the step dad and younger brother come out, this is such a tough decision any advice will be appreciated. Thanks.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

In this situation I think it would be best for you to talk to a child psychologist, and even have the child talk to one. Maybe the three of you, or four if step-dad comes, can work it out.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

This is a very difficult situation - if I understand you correctly it is your suggestion that you son come live with you and he has responded that he has reservations with leaving his step-father and sister. You are rightly concerned not to want to take him away from all that he has known for the last 9 years and so IMHO I think it might be best to leave the offer on the table and review it say once every 3 months for the next year or so. 

As you mention, if the move is going to happen it would be good for it to coincide with the start of the school year but I would say don't let this rush you or your son into making a decision. The fact that he knows you have given him the option and would welcome him with open arms will be comforting to him and perhaps that is all he needs at present. 

Try to look at the fact that he is not jumping at the chance to move away from his step-father as a good sign that things are going reasonably well for him. As you say, a natural instinct as a father is to want to step in but just be sure not to take it personally if he eventually decides to stay with his step-father. I think you did the right thing in making the offer - the difficult bit is the standing back and waiting to see what he will decide.


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## NowWhat? (Jul 27, 2010)

Thank you both for your replies, I am really leaning much more towards your suggestion Advocado, but his mothers family and my own are making it hard to go that route, they both are making me feel like if I do not have him move and live with me, it will be like me not being a good father or not "wanting" him, which is quite contrary, it is because I love him so much that I am considering his feelings and trying to make the best choice for "him" even if that means not having him live with me. 

I really wish there was a 100% right way to go about this but I guess only time will tell.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He most definitely needs counseling. Let the counselor chime in after he/she has visited with him a couple times. And please don't let your family push you to do something that's not best for your son.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think a counselor is the best way to go. I think he should see the counselor just to deal with what happened, but I also think a counselor will be able to help you all figure out the best solution to this problem. 

At the same time, I want to say that I don't see you leaving him with his stepfather as not caring or not wanting him. I see that as an ultimate sign of your love for him, by doing what is best for him, and doing what he wants. That is the true love of a parent, wanting their child's happiness even when it's not what makes the parent happy. So, if that's what you end up doing, know that you are showing your love, not showing that you don't care.


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