# How do I make it clear...



## Montana (Jan 4, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and 3 months. We have been together for a total of 9 years 9 months. He is 34yrs and I am 30yrs. 

We are of different cultures and upbringings but for me that is not where the problem lies. Like what seems to be the situation with alot of the threads I have seen and articles I have read, we have an issue with communication. 

I dont want to go on too much about our problems because I am sure that it is is primarily down to communication as well as the fact that we had both become complacent and rather than talk we decided that underneath the carpet was the best place for conversations never had.

Our issues were brought to the forecourt less than 6 months after our marriage. Instead of addressing them in an adult manner, I allowed bitterness and resentment to direct all myactions. I stopped loving him the way i used t, the way he needed and the way I knew how. We argued constantly and I lost respect for him.

I changed alot, RIP to the girl I used to be because now I am a woman and I dont want to apologise for the way I feel or have flet. Yes, I am still angry but more so, I am disappointed because as much as we talk, he still does not get it.
I dont want to hurt him or lose him but I need time to separate so that I can feel an equal or at least taken seriously.
In May 2012 I moved out for amonth, however, he claims it was 3 months!!! How I dont know, I spent quite a bit of that time at home because it was hard being away from him as well as the fact the he needed me after losing his grandfather who was like a father to him.

In September 2012, a few weeks before our 3rd anniversary, I moved out, this time I went home to my mothers, after enough fights I did what I was scared of doing, I left, we spoke about it but he never wanted it and only went along with it to please me (take the moral high ground - something that he cannot help but do). I went back home in October for 2 weeks as the reality of ebing at home and without him was much harder than I imagined, anyway, in the space of those 2 weeks we slipped back to the norm and I decided to go back to mums. 
I know that my actions still seem immature to him as he feels that a husband and wife should stay together an dwork through all isdsues together and privately, He is upset that I speak to my mum or my best friend about us even though it is not something we can talk about and in the past he used to refuse talking about or even addressing the fact that we had marital issues. 

I know why I cannot live at home, and this is because I dont feel that there is any hope for survival of our marriage whilst the resentment is still there.

All he says is dont leave, i cant be without you and how much of a mistake I am making. 

Why doesnt he get that the mistake would be me trying to make something work when I know that being with him and denying myself the space I need would destroy what we have.

He is remarkable, he is amazing and I love him. We do not have children. There is nothing keeping me in this marriage except for the life whe have shared and the life I want to share....

He says that separating is giving up - it isnot in my eyes. Giving up would be going home knowing that we are destined to fail because I know we are not ready to make it work because we dont fully understand where we have gone worng.

I just want to scream and cry...there is no getting through to him. One day he understands and the next it is all my doing, I am crazy or bipolar.....

What do i do, how do I get him to see that a real separation might just be what we need. 

I think I have ranted in no particular order and it might be hard for you to give advice but what do I do...?

I want a continued separation but this time I want to rent somewhere for myself and not be at my mums.
I want us to have counselling and I know he is for this but he says he just cant agree to the separation, he says that it is always my way or the high way...this is not fair. 
I have said it might seem like it is my way or the high way but if it means i have peace of mind and can hold onto hope that that is how it has to be.

He was happy with the way things were before I changed, he was happy to hear me nag and do nothing about it and now that I am taking control of my life because I am tired of complaining to friends and my mum and not seeing any changes or progress. 
I dont want to waste time being miserable.
If we are meant to be I think we shoulld embrace the fact that we can see a need for change rather than going against it.

To everyone we are the perfect couple and that is what he keeps holding on to...I tell him that it doesnt matter how we are perceived if behind closed doors one of us is hurting.

I just want him to realise that I am a person befroe I am wife.

I have tried to explain that had he just met me he would not try to control me as much or expect me to put up with certain things...he would be more attentive...he take it all for granted and more so, he takes for granted how long I was unhappy nefore I actually took a stance.

I forgot to mention that I moved into his place after 9 montsh of dating and he supported me through college for another 9 months while I played the wife. 

Ever since I got the job it has been more or less 5050....

What do i do?


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