# Need advice on wife's spending



## Leopold Bloom (Mar 29, 2011)

First time poster here. My wife and I have some issues related to money that I need some advice with.

I own my own business and make a good living. Wife doesn't work, no kids. Though my income has fallen in recent years with the economy, it is still comfortable. 

Two issues.

First, in order to accumulate frequent flyer miles, my wife puts most of our household purchases as well as her personal ones on her credit card, to the tune of about $100K/year. We have a joint checking account, where I deposit my pay, but separate credit cards. My wife is very secretive about her credit card statement. Though I can see the total monthly payment in the check register, she gets very angry when I ask to see the statements, and accuses me of not trusting her. On occasion I have held out my paycheck from the joint account so that the balance will not be sufficient to pay her bill in order to get her to show me her bill. She always gets verbally, and often physically abusive when I do this (yes, there is a drinking problem, but that's for another thread), though curiously, when she relents, I usually don't find any suspicious charges, so I'm not sure what she is hiding. 

Question: is there a better way of getting across to her that since she is spending "our" money, there is nothing wrong with my seeing where it is going?

Second, there are times when my wife will want a big ticket luxury item, of several thousand dollars. Most of the time she'll discuss with me beforehand, occasionally not. In either case, when I question the expense, her response is "Why don't you think I am worth it?" 

Question: what's the best way to respond to this?


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Well the best thing to do would be to have a budget and a set amount she can spend per month. If she wants a big ticket item then she will have to give up the small ticket ones and save until she has aquired enough to buy it.

The CC issue is huge, you have no idea how much she has rung up and CCs usually charge a pretty hefty intrest rate. Her being so secreative should send up major red flags. I wonder if she has some sense of entitlement. This is not a matter of trust, you certianly are entitled to know where the money YOU earn is going. Her statement of wheather she is worth it or not is a manulipulation tactic to get you to drop the subject as is the verbal abuse and physicial abuse, it gets you to back off the subject, which is the whole point of it. I call that tactic the smoke and mirror game.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Have you ever thought about attending Financial Peace University?

Financial Peace University - daveramsey.com

It helped us tremendously, we have budgets, no debt or credit cards believe it or not.
Well worth the $100 for the classes.
We attended via our local Church but there are many other classes around the country.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

My husband and I discuss any purchase over $50 we make and usually less, just because we're tightwads. The only money we don't account to each other is $100 each in cash a month. 

I don't think it is unreasonable to see her credit card charges every month. You're a team. If she needs "secret" money then you need to do some kind of budget. But it would make me wonder what the big deal is and what she's hiding.


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## Leopold Bloom (Mar 29, 2011)

Saffron:

I agree that it is reasonable for me to see her credit card bills, and I've invited her to inspect mine. The problem is that _she_ doesn't agree.


Brewster:

My wife is not one to stick to a budget. We've been fortunate that my income has been sufficient for us to live without watching where every penny goes, but as I close in on retirement age, the economy is going south and I doubt that social security or medicare will be there for us, I feel the need to watch our expenditures more closely.

Actually, I _do_ have a very good idea of how much my wife has rung up, since I balance the checkbook. What I don't see, but would like to see, is the itemization of exactly what she spent it on.

Yes, she does have a huge sense of entitlement. I'm not a psychiatrist and don't play one on TV, but I suspect she has either narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder.


All:

I'm a not-very-quick-with-the-sharp-retort STEM kind of guy, and I am still looking for an answer to her challenge "Don't you trust me?" when I ask to see her CC bill, and to her challenge "Aren't I worth it?" when I question her expensive luxuries (would "Of course you're worth it, it's just we can't afford it" work?).

Help please?!!


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Discuss the reality of the situation and how the economy has been rough and business is tight. You'd like to make sure she is getting the best bang for her buck. Explain you should have been doing this your whole marriage but when money was rolling in big you didn't take the time. Yadda yadda...of course you're worth it, it's just we can't afford it...whatever.

If she proceeds with the questions to stonewall into not seeing her charges. "Man up". She's not your mommy. You have a right to see where all the money is going. Sheesh take charge. She'll thank you later when she doesn't have to eat dog food when you're dead and gone from working yourself to death.


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