# Wife said I took too long to get over her emotional affair - what should I have done?



## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

That was two months ago, when she said she wanted a divorce.

I had suspicious of the amount of contact she was having with her "friend". It was the gut feeling that something wasn't quite on the up and up.

This past November I spied on her online postings at an anonymous social network and found out that my suspicions were true.

Now at this point I wish I would have started to educate myself before confronting her, but after hearing "We're just friends" for so long I was livid.

When I confronted her she said that it had been over for months, but made me out to be the bad guy for spying on her and betraying HER trust.

She made me go out and buy myself books on control issues and self esteem. We should have just gone to counseling then. I thought that I had suggested it and that's when she convinced me I needed the books, I might be remembering wrong - I feel like such a chump "OK honey it was all my fault you chose to have an EA"

So the November and December roll by and the whole time I still am having trust issues. I wondered where she was if she came home a little late. I was suspicious when I thought she was too dressed up when she ran an errand. I'm sure it was annoying, and again I wish I would have thought to get us into counseling.

When ever it would come up she was always so irate that I couldn't just get over it.

It seemed like she kept getting more and more secretive. And then one day I came home and she was in the bathroom talking on her cell to somebody and when she came out I said "How's DUDE's NAME?!" and then she caught me looking through the cell records online.

That's when she said that she wanted a divorce and there was nothing I could do or say to change her mind and that counseling was out of the question.

She said that my suspicion had killed her love for me, and that though she still loved me, she wasn't in love with me anymore.

So, what should I have done when I found out?

And I used to say I was afraid she might find my posts and read them. Well, I wish she'd come here and read this one. These are things I am never able to say to her before I get shut down by how I STILL haven't gotten over it.

I would be willing to forgive her (I do forgive her) and trust her again if she would work with me in our relationship to where we had more open communication. She says she can never trust me again because of my spying.


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## Healing (May 30, 2008)

Hi there. Your story is a very sad one.

I am not sure how she would expect you to "get over" her EA when she was never sorry for it. Instead she blamed you for all of her mistakes, and you accepted the blame.

You sound like a very nice guy, but you are being taken advantage of. She is not sorry for cheating, and to blame you for "spying" and "not getting over it" totally takes the cake!

Do you really love this woman when she treats you with no respect? Maybe it is not such a bad thing for you to take some time to really reflect on whether you want a relationship like this which is completely one-sided.

Don't EVER let a cheater blame you for their actions. Whatever relationship issues you may have had, she could have always chosen to work on them with you or get help. Instead she chose to lie and deceive you, and betray your trust.


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

Thank you, that's how I feel too. I also wasn't in the right frame of mind at the time to actually discuss the situation rationally. If you read some of my other posts you can see what I mean.

I forgive her for what she did. I don't know what the EA was even about. There were feelings of more than friendship, but I don't know where that went.

My wife always had trouble saying sorry. She would do things to make up for what she had done when she knew she was wrong, but sorry was rarely uttered. Maybe there's some root there in this whole thing.

I forgive my wife for all of this, because I've known her for almost 16 years (married almost 13) and I know that for all the bad things I could say, they are outweighed by what's good and true in her.

I just wish she would have been willing to work through these problems WITH me.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Your wife has major guilt for her EA and major issues with accepting responsibility/fault for her own actions.

She cheated, period, end of story.

It was not your fault for spying on her when you knew there was something wrong.


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

I know I am not totally to blame here.

I feel that the EA was a symptom of our marital problems and lack of good communication.

*I posted my story to ask if there was a better way that I should have handles it initially. *

The way I handled it was not the best way. 

When I first started to be suspicious, I signed up on the social networking site my wife was on (it's one you've heard of but not important to the story). I found the info about the EA, and made my own posts elsewhere asking for feedback about what I should do - I wish I would have found this board to post to back then. I was going to wait and see if it seemed like it was over or not, but I was convinced by people there to confront her before it progressed any further.

So a couple days later, we had just gone to bed and she could tell that something was eating at me. She asked what was wrong and I told her I had been reading her stuff and that I found out what was really going on. And that's what started the whole "You spied on my private stuff." 

Now, this is going to sound crazy, but I can understand her side.

I wish that I had found out another way. The site she's on is like a anonymous journal site where you can post personal stories, blogs, poems, and get feedback, but the people on there don't know who you are. It's like some guy who posted last week after he read his wife's journal.

But that still doesn't forgive the reaction I got that belittled my own sense of betrayal. 

I spied more after the divorce talk to figure out if there was something behind it all. the details are murky. There may be another online EA going on, but I think it started after the divorce bomb was dropped.

I let some of the info from the 2nd spying session slip one night and it was obvious that I'd been out there again, though I had told her I hadn't

Like I said. I have really put that EA behind me, but now she has a double layer of "I can never trust YOU again." She says that we are different people and she can see the difference between a EA and a PA, and I can't. Well, I can see the difference, but it's still a kick in the gut from somebody you've been married to fro 12 years and have had nothing but trust for.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

As a man there is a difference between an EA and a PA, no doubt, but like you said an EA is still like a kick in the balls.

You should tell her that her day to day actions led you to suspecting something was going on and you didn't want to confront her until you knew it was true. So yes, you had to go sign up for a website on the internet to do a little searching.

Tell her if she was open and honest and trustworthy with you in the first place that you wouldn't have been forced to snoop online.

She first broke the trust of your marriage with an online EA, did you break it some more with snooping? Maybe, but not nearly as much as her EA did.


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

Well, that is sort of how I put it when I first confronted her. It didn't make any difference. I was still made to feel like I was the one who was the main betrayer of trust.

A couple of weeks ago I brought it up again, only to tell her that I was sorry that I spied on her private stuff, but that there is a big difference between privacy and secrecy.

And to this she said - "See, you're still not over it!"


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## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

I too spied on my wife once I found out she was flirting with guys on facebook. I didn't confront her right away, because I knew her problems with me contributed to it. We were losing intimacy and I could "regain" it, even artificially by "spying" on her and knowing what she was really thinking.

I wish I had confronted her immediately, because the EA was harder to break the longer I waited. But because of it, I also found out about her PA with a friend of ours several months before. She was guilt ridden, but since she couldn't/wouldn't confess to me, she looked for these online guys which perpetuated the emotional part of the infidelity.

I share all this, because I understand what you are going through, but I agree with RevitalizedHusband, it was her fault, not yours. She may be right, You may indeed have self-esteem problems. I know I do, which was why I waited so long to confront my wife. But Obviously she was the one looking outside of the marriage.

I also agree I think she is dealing with guilt and lack of responsibility. Cheating spouses often try to turn the blame on the other spouse for "spying" ESPECIALLY when the affair is still going on. I agree spying is never good, but it can never excuse their betrayal of vows.

I wanted to give you hope, because my wife and I are making progress, but this was after her coming clean, and taking responsibility. 

I would suggest letting your wife know that if she wants a divorce, let it be for the real reasons. The underlying issues that led to the EA couldn't be worked out. (Because the fact of the matter is they probably can) But if the only reason she wants the divorce is that she is unwilling to be honest and admit to her part then she never even gave saving the marriage a shot. (Be prepared for the truth though , because you may find out things got physical too.) 

Sorry I rambled so long. I hope there was at least one small piece of useful advice that can help you.


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

Thank you Ted.

I really don't know what to say other than that. I think you hit the nail on the head though.

I really don't have an outlet for this right now. Any attempt at talking about our relationship is viewed as an attempt at reconciliation, and for her, that's out of the question.

:scratchhead:

P.S. that wasn't a ramble, trust me


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

hail when you get over it is when you get over it my friend on your terms not on hers. shes got some huge balls telling you that its your fault never feel bad about what you found ever! she is the one that decevied you and your trust.now its time for her to face the bed she chose to make and lie in. keep your head up and dont let her bring you down.


CPT


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

and i know this is going to be hard but if she doesnt want to work on your marraige honeslty and be truthfull kick her ass out of the house and let her see what its like to live by herself without you.then maybe she will open her eyes a little but be prepared you may not like the results but at this point what else do you have to lose?




CPT


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## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

I don't know if this will make a difference because she is so unwilling. But I know my wife saw hope when she saw me fighting for our marriage. 

You said that she thinks you have self esteem problems. I may be reading too much of my own issues in yours, but I've read several other posts on this site talking about how some women are turned off because their man is a doormat or spineless. I know I appeased my wife and made her be the leader.

I would suggest, letting her know, at least one last time. Something like this:

"You may have given up on us. But I love you. I want to be married to you, and I will fight for you. I will give my all to make this work.

If you still want to divorce, it will be because you gave up. If you want a divorce because you'd rather be with another man, at least be woman enough to admit it. If you want to give up because you can't bear me knowing all the details of the EA, do you think it could really hurt worse than losing you forever. If you want to give up because you think we can never work out the issues that caused this, at least give me a chance.

I'm willing to fight for you. I love you. But I have to know the truth. We can't pretend anymore."

If you could say this, or something like this, and really mean it. Then I think she would at least know you have a spine. Even if she still won't accept reconciliation.

I feel for you and will be praying for you.

PS. A book my wife and I found helpful was Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It deals with physical affairs, but I think there is a lot in it that would help you too.


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

Thanks again Ted.

This is exactly how I feel. I may be able to say something like this eventually, but not right now.

When I bring up any feelings that somebody else might be in the mix of our problems, she tells me I just can't accept the fact that it was us that screwed up our marriage. She's said that it just shows how little I trust her and why would I even be married to somebody I can't trust. She has an answer for everything my friend. After a while, arguing just doesn't get anywhere.

And I HAVE been fighting for our marriage in the only way available. Read some of my other posts. I've been going to counseling to better myself, not for my wife, but for me. My wife and I are able to communicate better than we ever have in the history of our marriage, as long as it doesn't verge on relationship talk.

So right now, I'm taking a vacation on confrontation.

I need to make space for myself. I need to work on me, for me and my son and for whatever my future holds, because she has made it painfully clear that she is not willing to come an inch my way and try to work on our problems. I need to distance myself from this whole thing in my head, which is really pretty difficult when you are still living together (financial reasons).

And CPT,

If my son wasn't involved here, a lot of this would be handled differently.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

hail i know where you are comming from 100% please when you have some free time read some of my posts ive been going through the exact same senario you have just a little bit longer i have a 4 year old son who is autistic he is the world to me but you cannot change how your wife feels you have to let her make that decsion herself mine has moved in with the boyfriend she was screwing before she left me andi chased my wife for almost 6 months and got nowhere ive since backed away from her and ive let her continue to **** up her own life while sheilding my son from as much as possible and making sure he is cared for properly. take care of yourself hail and your son let her sink into her own pit of **** she wil wake up at some point you have to let her know you are not going to be her whipping post please hail read some of my story with an open mind and you will see now why i suggest the harsh measures i do to you i hope your doing well or the best you can at this point and you and your son are in my prayers.



CPT


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

So sorry to hear about the difficulties your having with your wife. My soon to be ex husband also had an emotional affair with a co-worker. During marriage councelling he kept telling the psychologist "there's nothing wrong with our marriage it's everything else." He also hated the fact I kept bringing up the "friendship" with this woman. My problem was there was no resolution to the situation. He also kept telling me to "get over it." Never has taken responsibility for any actions on his part. I guess emotional affairs are running rampant these days. Everyone else has given you great advice. I just wanted to let you know I feel for you and you're in my thoughts and prayers. Take Care.


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## mas1208 (Feb 24, 2009)

HailMary, your post is almost exactly what I am going through. My wife started having an EA at the end of December. We seemed to be going ok, not great but we seemed to love each other, at least I loved her. When she started becoming more distant and spending all of her free time talking with the OM I felt I needed to know what was going on. I installed a keylogger on our computer and got the password to her email account. 

The first thing I found was an email between the two of them which basically went something like, He:"you just need to ask yourself if you could do this with all your heart", She:"Yes", He:"Then all I need to know is when". I also found a few emails that had explicit videos attached. They both claim that it was just all in fun and she refuses to acknowledge they were inappropriate. The deal breaker for me was the email I found to her friend that basically said "I think I am going to tell him tonight how I feel. I dont want to travel all the way to Chicago if he doesnt feel the same". I asked her last week if she still wanted to work on our marriage and she said that she needed space so she could find who she was as an individual (we started dating when we were both young) and that to build a strong relationship we needed to be strong people separately first. I told her that just as important in a strong relationship is trust in each other, she agreed so I proceeded to ask her if she wanted to explain the emails. 

It was here she said that she had enough and wanted a divorce because I kept spying on her and didnt trust her. She said that the emails with the videos were just a joke but she never has owned up to the one about telling him how she feels. The couple times its been brought up since then she refuses to acknowledge it and just keeps bringing it back to me invading her privacy and not owning up to my mistakes. As cliché as this may sound I wouldnt have needed to pry if she was just willing to talk to me but all she would do is make excuses. I accept my part in letting her slip away, taking her for granted but it comes down to if she really wanted us to work all she had to do was talk to me about what she was feeling. Instead she chose to seek that else where.

When a person refuses to acknowledge that what they are doing is an EA then it will be hard to get them to see your point of view. If you want things to work try to talk to her but dont sound confrontational. Just tell her you are trying to understand where things went wrong so that you can both work on things. But be prepared for her to be set in her ways.

I really hope things will work out for the best for the two of you, good luck.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

These stories are precisely why my wife and I both use the same password for everything.

We are complete open books with each other.

Do either of us ever go checking the other's emails? No, but we both know the possibility of the other seeing our emails is there so none of this EA stuff ever happens.

We both also have access to each other's Facebook pages as well for the same reason. Again, we never really log in as the other person but the possibility is there.

Neither have separate bank accounts, all joint. No separate credit cards, all joint, etc.

It makes you 100% accountable to the other person.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

It has been my experience that when the wife gets angry about the things you are looking at, then she is hiding something.

I could care less when my wife looks at my e-mail and looks in my cell phone. I have nothing to hide.

She began to get angry with me when I would look at her things only after she was guilty of affairs.

~Moog


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## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

I feel for you man. My wife si doing the same thing. When I confronted her she turned it into my fault. turned it into me not trusting her because i spyed on her. This time I am handling it different due to reading alot about it and reading these posts and one on other web sites. 

Don't take all the blame here. Yes, something happened to the relationship that was probably both of you, but she choose not to work on the marriage. She choose to find the EA.
I am planning on telling my wife she has to choose between him, or the marraige and the children. If she chooses him, then she looses everything, and I do have the evidence to back it up.
I do not want it to be that way, but I am going insane, as I am sure you are. Sounds like your situation is identical to mine. Fool me once same on you...fool me twice, shame on me. I am not going to be fooled twice
The choice here is can you redeme the marriage, and do you both want to.

Good Luck DB


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

It seems like men and women will come up with all kinds of excuses as to why they cheated, or find all kinds of ways to say it's an invasion of Their privacy if you are suspicious and spy on them

bottom line HailMary, your wife was doing wrong. You caught her, she shifted the blame to you, a very well known tactic. The reason she immediately spit out that stuff about divorce when you told her you found her posts, is that she was at that point, unable to hide it anymore, and wanted you to be the bad guy. She wants all of this to be your fault.

It does take two to make a marriage work, and even if there were problems, and she had a responsibility to discuss her feelings with you, instead of running out and starting all of these EA's... 

And I guess maybe it's because I'm a woman, but to me, and Emotional affair, is just the same as a physical one. They are both cheating, both devastating. What she did to you was horrible.

If you find that you simply can't work on this with her, or that you're too far gone , to ever want her again, as a wife. Then I wouldn't blame you for moving on with your life. For some people there is a commitment , and or religious aspect, that factors into it, and it's hard to walk away, when you've stood in a church, and promised before God to never leave one another. 

But, if one of the spouses betrays the other, with adultry, then if it can't be resolved, I'd say it's okay to move on. Ultimately, God wants so much for all people to be happy, and healthy. 

Good luck Hail Mary... 
peace be with you...  keep everyone updated.


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

And also with you, marina72


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

I bieleve in an open book policy those who hide nothing have nothing to hide you as her husband have a god given right to know what your wife is doing in all things I cant bieleve just as my wife has done when they destroy the trust of there spouse how do they think the trust is supose to return to the relationship after my wifes affair she became more secretive than before making matters ten times worse for me you did the right thing to check up on her next time kick her out of the house


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

You asked should you have communicated to her differently? Why is it that the one spouse can do all the offenses to the other and yet there is an expectation that YOU should do everything perfectly? I'm sure it was difficult for you to discover the affair and to feel the necessity to spy. As you likely have heard the guilty party will try to transfer guilt. This is all YOUR fault because she can't live with you not trusting her???...that's just beyond ridiculous as she knows she is not trustworthy. Your spying did not cause her to cheat, her cheating caused you to spy. I also don't want to be the one to point out something but I think you came here for different opinions. This may be much more than an EA and that is why she's gone on the offense. 

So how could you have communicated differently? Well in retrospect you could have asked her to explain the phone call, asked her about the various signs you saw. Not accuse but ask. Try to focus more on the marriage and repairing it, one person can make a difference as long as there is at least a small part of the other that still wants it to work out. Would this have changed anything? Probably not, you'd likely still be in the same situation. 

I think you should do as you suggested in your own post. Take a break from this emotional stuff. Do something you have always wanted to do. Focus on you and do something selfish if even just for a day. Being on the other side of this...and I know men react differently than women...but no change happened until I started focusing on me. I developed a new set of friends, they also became my support system, I learned how to be independent and how to have fun without him. My kids were lacking in attention so I took them to do some fun stuff just them and me and I figured if he wanted to have his affair (and his EA turned in to a PA they often do!) do it, but we're moving on. He can be a lousy parent but no excuse for me to be one. 

That's what turned everything around. He was no longer in control, he was out of options. Every time I tried to communicate and fix it, he'd push me away. So I pushed him away and moved on. That's when he wanted to reconcile. 

So my advice is to put yourself first. Do something that makes you feel better. Step away for awhile from trying to fix things. Spend time on something else. If your relationship survives it will benefit from this. Do not let this tear you apart, get stronger because of it. Does she even deserve you? I hope you can work it out but don't let her treat you like a doormat.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

So, to paraphrase what she is saying... "How dare you catch me cheating on you. You have no right to find out that I am betraying you. Who do you think you are catching me cheating. The fact that you caught me nullifies MY guilt and shifts the blame onto YOU!"

What a LOAD!

That is like telling the judge that the cop wouldn't have known that you were speeding without sitting in the median with a radar gun. He invaded your rights because he was sitting there waiting on you to come barreling down the highway, Therefore, it is HIS fault you were speeding and he should be fired!

Sounds rather silly when you switch the situation around. She is pissed that you caught her. To answer your original question, you did it correctly. Had she not been slinking around like a cat in the night, there would have been nothing for you to spy on.

Good luck, bro!

~Moog


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> You asked should you have communicated to her differently? Why is it that the one spouse can do all the offenses to the other and yet there is an expectation that YOU should do everything perfectly?


Yes, this is often how it goes. To wish it were different is to bang your head against a brick wall! :banghead:


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## Hummingburd (Jun 30, 2009)

Dear Hail Mary, 

I feel for you severely as I just went through and am still recovering through this emotionally with my husband and he blamed me and our constant fighting. He also told me that he wanted a divorce and that our marriage just wasn't fixable and beyond repair. I have been through soo much with this man, ex's court cases constantly, child support taking everything not leaving us at one point with enough money for food!!

After he said he wanted the divorce I felt pathetic having to bargain with him not to throw away nine years in a second and that I felt there had to be someone or something going on because it was just not like him. At the end of our conversation I asked him over an over if he would tell me if there was someone else and he said no over and over until the last time he finally said no he probably wouldn't. Crushed, I didn't know who he was anymore! I finally got him to agree the night he asked for the divorce that he would at least try for our family and all that we had built. He refused counseling so that was out of the question. He wouldn't say he loved me and would just say I know when I told him, killed me inside.

After he left me with that last comment that he would probably not tell me is when I got super suspicous! It was two days later after he said he would try that I noticed he had been leaving his work phone in his car and not bringing it in, so of course I began investigating. So he came home one day from work and went in to take a nap. I went and looked in his phone and noticed a number I did not recognize so wrote it down shaking and freaking out that my biggest fear had come true. I was too upset, I actually had a friend call and say is this so and so? And the brilliant broad actually gave her name so I had a name and proof. 

When he woke I asked if he had any calls this afternoon and wondered to set my mind at ease if I could look at his phone. I went to get it and he darted after me and wouldn't let me see it, I asked for it and he said why, why, why it is his phone. I finally got him to pull up the call list and Hmmm whose number might that be? He said no body, then he started getting really po. I said I know you were talking to someone cause I already called the number and said the persons name. He turned white. I said this explains alot and then he proceeded to ask me if I wanted the truth and he laid it out there that it was a friend from work that he had been talking to for about a month suposedly right after one of our bad fights that sinched it for him. Made sense all the arguments and just how convenient this gal was separating from her spouse as well. She knew he was married when she started talking to him and honestly I will never get the whole true story because he refuses to talk and just gets angry. Yes, and of course he gave me the line he wasn't leaving me for this gal it was because of our marriage! 

His excuse was that it was just a friend, just a friend but got even more angry when I told him that if we were going to work things through he could never talk to her again and stop whatever it really was that was going on. He gave her his number the same day he told me he wanted the divorce! His work phone none the less! He also spouted that what should he just get rid of his other friends also (all male), I said maybe if they have a romantic interest in you! I asked him to call her in front of me and he refused of course that she was at work. Poor person disturbing them to save your marriage! I gave him one last chance that he needed to fix it if he wanted to work things out and really try like he said he wanted to! Needless to say a day passed and he had done nothing so I came home from work and asked if he had taken care of it and he said he was going to. I told him not good enough to get the heck out. He left po to pick up our kids since i told him I came home to do it after I asked him to leave but he refused and took off angry. He came back even more upset and said that it was done and if I didn't believe that he had called to look at his phone! I did look and it was a brief call since thank God! the person was in a work meeting so there was no time for a lengthy conversation. He said he told her you can't call me anymore or talk to me because I am working things out with my wife!
Here I am Three month later and scared still that it will happen again and that he is just more carefull now about hiding it. I don't know how to let go of these horrible feelings and asking him for reassurance is not working because has been good for a little while then gets really upset when I ask if he is sure it is not going to happen again. I don't know what to do.....I want my life back and my security. I have never been this type of weak person but something inside me just kept pushing me to fight for my family. Now I am stuck with not knowing how to trust him again and not worry every time he walks out that door to go to work. I am making myself sick over it and it is affecting me physically. I have lost 25 pounds from not being able to eat and even though it is getting better I still have very bad days and don't know how to recover....thanks for sharing your story cause even though I am not glad that we are here for these ridiculous reasons it gives me a little relief that I am not alone...


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## lilyBart (Apr 19, 2010)

I honestly don't know. There is no time clock mounted on our feelings, especially when we have been betrayed. My husband feels the same way about me. I found a letter from another woman last Januray and him that he filed on his work site and titled it "final." She was going on an on about how he has to stop calling her, they can't keep doing what there doing or they are going to cross the line. He said he never touched her, thought about it, but would never do that to us. The thing with emotional affairs that disturbs me is that the intimacy between a man and a woman in marriage is sacred, special. My husband was working on intimacy issues with another woman! Why I was home waiting for him to come home after a AA meeting. Sorry for rambling, I don't know and I am sorry.


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

Ugh I totally feel for you. Worried it will happen again and terrified that she will be more careful about hiding it. I've called her on this "just a friend" several times and she just plows ahead more stealthy. The last time she said it was 100% over and I've pondered if I should I go ahead without any "snooping" or?

When I learned it was an "emotional" affair I was at first relieved. Its not sexual but the more I learn about this the more concerned (nuts) I get. I'm also worried that the only thing admitted to are the things that she can't refute and that it maybe a full blown PA/EA and that I'm just being a sap... God this hurts...



Hummingburd said:


> Dear Hail Mary,
> 
> I feel for you severely as I just went through and am still recovering through this emotionally with my husband and he blamed me and our constant fighting. He also told me that he wanted a divorce and that our marriage just wasn't fixable and beyond repair. I have been through soo much with this man, ex's court cases constantly, child support taking everything not leaving us at one point with enough money for food!!
> 
> ...


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

HailMary said:


> I had suspicious of the amount of contact she was having with her "friend". It was the gut feeling that something wasn't quite on the up and up.
> 
> This past November I spied on her online postings at an anonymous social network and found out that my suspicions were true.
> 
> ...


My WH is more or less acting this way, too and hurts like ever living hell. He expects me to just accept all his actions and beg him back, or he's just going to ignore me. Well, I didn't agree to an open marriage or polygamy, so I am just not going to accept it and I am not chasing him if he's going to treat me like crap. I understand your pain! Read the article called "Just Let Them Go."

You did what you needed to do. This isn't your fault. She's angry that you caught her and shifting the blame to you and trying to make you believe it's your fault so that she doesn't have to stop doing this.

Your wife is treating you badly and you deserve to be treated better than that. Don't let her do this to you. If she wants out, let her go. She's manipulating you so that she can do whatever she wants and still have you around, too. She's a cake-eater! If you let her do this to you now, she will do it to you forever.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Either you're going to get over it or you're never going to get over it. That's your call. If you really think you can't get past this then you owe it to her to tell her that.


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