# I have created a monster



## Star79 (Feb 8, 2014)

I love and adore my husband, but it is like he has a split personality: An Angel and the Devil live inside of him. From the beginning of our relationship he has been very obsessed with my past. In the beginning I lied about some aspects because I was ashamed and not ready to talk about it. It was simply too much to reveal too soon. I eventually confessed it all once I was comfortable with him. I have always agreed with his philosophy of having open access to e-mails, phone records, Facebook, etc. But, while I agree and understand, I cannot help with feeling like he checks up on me when he peruses through my sites and questions certain aspects. I feel like I am being punished for some reason. He read my journal one time and I felt violated. Isn't there some privacy of thoughts in marriage. He saw nothing wrong with it. I do not have access to his information and I really don't care to have it. In the beginning of our relationship he broke into my Facebook account and read messages from before we dated. Yes, there were men in there flirting with me, but nothing too provocative. I had a hard time understanding why he was so concerned about things that happened before we dated. So I conceded and deleted those individuals. Eventually I deactivated my account totally because it was causing too many issues. Months later I reactivated my account. Last week, my husband accessed my account and proceeded to delete five people without talking to me. These individuals turned out to be family members and retired soldiers from my first deployment. I was so upset. Not because of FB, but the principle of boundaries. To make matters worst, he failed to acknowledge the error in his ways. He just ignored my statement and tried to use something in the past to justify his behavior. Now I am sitting here accepting the fact that I have created a monster by feeding his insecurities instead of dealing with them head on. I don't have lot's of friends, don't dress like a **** (IMO), I am a homebody. Not sure what to do...I cannot continue like this.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Star79 said:


> I love and adore my husband, but it is like he has a split personality: An Angel and the Devil live inside of him. From the beginning of our relationship he has been very obsessed with my past. In the beginning I lied about some aspects because I was ashamed and not ready to talk about it. It was simply too much to reveal too soon. I eventually confessed it all once I was comfortable with him. I have always agreed with his philosophy of having open access to e-mails, phone records, Facebook, etc. But, while I agree and understand, I cannot help with feeling like he checks up on me when he peruses through my sites and questions certain aspects. I feel like I am being punished for some reason. He read my journal one time and I felt violated. Isn't there some privacy of thoughts in marriage. He saw nothing wrong with it. I do not have access to his information and I really don't care to have it. In the beginning of our relationship he broke into my Facebook account and read messages from before we dated. Yes, there were men in there flirting with me, but nothing too provocative. I had a hard time understanding why he was so concerned about things that happened before we dated. So I conceded and deleted those individuals. Eventually I deactivated my account totally because it was causing too many issues. Months later I reactivated my account. Last week, my husband accessed my account and proceeded to delete five people without talking to me. These individuals turned out to be family members and retired soldiers from my first deployment. I was so upset. Not because of FB, but the principle of boundaries. To make matters worst, he failed to acknowledge the error in his ways. He just ignored my statement and tried to use something in the past to justify his behavior. Now I am sitting here accepting the fact that I have created a monster by feeding his insecurities instead of dealing with them head on. I don't have lot's of friends, don't dress like a **** (IMO), I am a homebody. Not sure what to do...I cannot continue like this.


Did your husband know about your past before he married you?

How long have you been together? How long married?


----------



## Star79 (Feb 8, 2014)

We knew each other for 6 months. Yes, he did know about my past prior to marriage. We have been married 1.5 years. Its really not bad, it just early twenty fun, but he wanted to know how many people I had slept with, etc. I have never done drugs or been a drinker. How comfortable is it to talk to your partner about that. LOL! I personally think it shouldn't matter. But he wanted to know...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Star79 said:


> I love and adore my husband, but it is like he has a split personality: An Angel and the Devil live inside of him. From the beginning of our relationship he has been very obsessed with my past. In the beginning I lied about some aspects because I was ashamed and not ready to talk about it. It was simply too much to reveal too soon. I eventually confessed it all once I was comfortable with him. I have always agreed with his philosophy of having open access to e-mails, phone records, Facebook, etc. But, while I agree and understand, I cannot help with feeling like he checks up on me when he peruses through my sites and questions certain aspects. I feel like I am being punished for some reason. He read my journal one time and I felt violated.


He’s not a mentally healthy person. However you could take the stance that, so what, he can look all he wants. He’s not going to find anything wrong. And maybe someday he’ll quit doing it. Or at least quit doing it as much. He’s extremely insecure. When he starts searching it’s because he’s having a panic attack and feels like he needs to protect himself.



Star79 said:


> Isn't there some privacy of thoughts in marriage. He saw nothing wrong with it.


I think that complete transparency and radical honesty are the healthiest in marriage. After the experiences with cheating, lying husbands I would never marry anyone who does not accept the concepts as the foundation of our relationship. I honestly could care less if my husband looked at anything of mine. I had nothing to hide. He certainly would not find anything that I had not already talked with him or tied to talk with him about.



Star79 said:


> I do not have access to his information and I really don't care to have it.


Transparency in marriage goes both ways. Even though you say you don’t want access to his information you should get access. You don’t need to do any snooping. But he has to know that it’s a two way street. Because of the way he is treating you, I suggest that you do get access and that you search through everything even if it’s cursory.



Star79 said:


> In the beginning of our relationship he broke into my Facebook account and read messages from before we dated. Yes, there were men in there flirting with me, but nothing too provocative. I had a hard time understanding why he was so concerned about things that happened before we dated. So I conceded and deleted those individuals. Eventually I deactivated my account totally because it was causing too many issues. Months later I reactivated my account.


How long had you been dating when he did this? AT this point, had the two of you discussed being exclusive? Had you discussed things like getting rid of everything that related to old bf’s/gf’s.



Star79 said:


> Last week, my husband accessed my account and proceeded to delete five people without talking to me. These individuals turned out to be family members and retired soldiers from my first deployment. I was so upset. Not because of FB, but the principle of boundaries. To make matters worst, he failed to acknowledge the error in his ways. He just ignored my statement and tried to use something in the past to justify his behavior.


Didn’t you know that re-opening the account would cause him to go off the handle? You could have told him that you were doing it and only keeping family and some older people as friends (how old are you and how older are these retired guys?)

Your husband does not understand some basic rules about radical honesty and transparency. The first is that it does both way. He has to open up everything of his to you as well. The second is that he cannot use it to punish you, to break into accounts, to delete your contact lists, etc. The way he is approaching this will do one thing… it will make you not trust him and drive you away.




Star79 said:


> Now I am sitting here accepting the fact that I have created a monster by feeding his insecurities instead of dealing with them head on. I don't have lot's of friends, don't dress like a **** (IMO), I am a homebody. Not sure what to do...I cannot continue like this.


Yes you have created a monster. We teach people how to treat us. You have taught him that he can mistreat you. To un-teach this is going to be pretty hard.

I think you did something else as well. You married a man who you are not compatible with. You knew he was like this but you forced the relationship. The purpose of dating it weed out the guys who are not good matches. It’s not to try to make a relationship work no matter what goes on.

You know you messed up. So what are you going to do now?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Star79 said:


> We knew each other for 6 months. Yes, he did know about my past prior to marriage. We have been married 1.5 years. Its really not bad, it just early twenty fun, but he wanted to know how many people I had slept with, etc. I have never done drugs or been a drinker. How comfortable is it to talk to your partner about that. LOL! I personally think it shouldn't matter. But he wanted to know...


So now you know. The answer to such questions is that 

"I slept with *about* x number of men. I'm not comfortable discussing this any further with you. If you need more detail then I cannot be in this relationship.

Guys like your husband will glom onto every detail you give them, look for any inconsistence and will then use it as a way to prove something awful about you. 

I have never had any guy I dated ask me about how many people I've had sex with or what sexual things I did in the past. It's just never come up.


----------



## Star79 (Feb 8, 2014)

We talked about reopening the account. It was cool at first. Then this happened.


----------



## Star79 (Feb 8, 2014)

I don't mind him looking. I have nothing to hide. But who wouldn't feel a certain way if everything was questioned. What is this number? Why did they call? Etc.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Star79 said:


> We talked about reopening the account. It was cool at first. Then this happened.


Ok, this was not clear in your first post. Your husband is holding on to anger for a reason. Generally the reason that a person holds on to anger and uses it over and over to attack their spouse is that it gives him power in the marriage. He can be the ‘moral’ person and put you down anytime he wants and feel superior to you. It’s called emotional abuse. The reason abusers do what they do is to control their target.

Your husband is maintaining his anger to gain power by controlling you. Look up the “Cycle of Abuse”. Tell me if it fits what’s happening.


Star79 said:


> I don't mind him looking. I have nothing to hide. But who wouldn't feel a certain way if everything was questioned. What is this number? Why did they call? Etc.


You need to find an organization that provides counseling for victims of domestic emotional abuse. You need help is sorting out how to handle this. He needs to get into counseling for anger management. 

There is a slim chance that you can get him to stop the abuse. If you don’t it will escalate over time. 

If you cannot get him to work on this with you so that the abuse ends, I highly suggest that you leave the marriage because it’s going to get worse. You don’t have children with him right? Be careful that you don’t have any until this is resolved.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Sounds like you both have issues. He's obviously dealing with trust stuff, you made it clear that you lied about the past, which would certainly exacerbate that.

I get the sense that if your husband was here we'd be hearing a different side of the story. Why were you lying about your past?


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Transparency in marriage goes both ways. Even though you say you don’t want access to his information you should get access. You don’t need to do any snooping. But he has to know that it’s a two way street. Because of the way he is treating you, I suggest that you do get access and that you search through everything even if it’s cursory.


EleGirl, I think you miss the OP's point. She's not here looking for equal rights to snoop on her husband. She specifically said she's not interested in that. She doesn't want a marriage where both partners can equally spy on each other, she wants one with certain boundaries, at least one where partners don't break into the other's Facebook account and delete people without even discussing it first. 

On TAM, I have heard the expression "there is no privacy in marriage". I disagree. Marriages, like anything else in life, can't be 100% absolutes. Some things are still private. I have an expectation that I can use the toilet without my partner barging in. I have an expectation that I could speak freely with a therapist without my partner knowing everything that was said. When it comes to things like FB, I don't think anyone needs their spouses password unless they have been unfaithful in the past.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

COguy said:


> Sounds like you both have issues. He's obviously dealing with trust stuff, you made it clear that you lied about the past, which would certainly exacerbate that.
> 
> I get the sense that if your husband was here we'd be hearing a different side of the story. Why were you lying about your past?


I don't see any legitimate reason for the husband to get upset over flirting or even sexy talk with other men that happened before the OP and her husband even met.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Busting boundaries for no legit reason and then ignoring your protest to that behavior is a BIG problem and not acceptable. You are right for questioning his reaction to your reasonable protest. His insecurities are his problem when you haven't done anything to warrant that level of fear. Hold your boundaries and take the burden of his insecurities off of your shoulders and put it on HIS shoulders where it belongs. If you don't the weight of his emotional burden on you will crush your marriage.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You don't say what you lied about and that may be a huge piece of the puzzle so w/o knowing what it is it's hard to advise you. Lies destroy relationships.

With that said:



Star79 said:


> *From the beginning* of our relationship he has been very obsessed with my past.
> 
> *In the beginning* of our relationship he broke into my Facebook account and read messages from before we dated.
> 
> ...


You knew he was like this even before you married him. So I'm not sure why you expected him to change. Controlling types usually get worse over time. Yeah, he has boundary issues all right. And the fact he dismisses your concerns is not good at all.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Retroactive jealousy is a hard thing for many to deal with. Especially for men who dislike the numbers women can rack up. Or the circumstances. Maybe the concern is that having been "wild" once that pattern could continue. I am not a male so I can't put myself into their shoes there but now he has a serious trust issue. And the short period of time you knew him before marrying him meant you didn't have time to know him as thoroughly as you might otherwise have. Did you tell him the constant suspicion is a potential deal breaker and needs to stop?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Theseus said:


> EleGirl, I think you miss the OP's point. She's not here looking for equal rights to snoop on her husband. She specifically said she's not interested in that. She doesn't want a marriage where both partners can equally spy on each other, she wants one with certain boundaries, at least one where partners don't break into the other's Facebook account and delete people without even discussing it first.
> 
> On TAM, I have heard the expression "there is no privacy in marriage". I disagree. Marriages, like anything else in life, can't be 100% absolutes. Some things are still private. I have an expectation that I can use the toilet without my partner barging in. I have an expectation that I could speak freely with a therapist without my partner knowing everything that was said. When it comes to things like FB, I don't think anyone needs their spouses password unless they have been unfaithful in the past.


And you completely missed my point. Her husband does not understand what transparency means and what his responsibilities are when it comes to transparency. He thinks its all about him controlling her.

My suggestion is so that she can get him thinking about the fact that it's not about him controlling her.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Openminded said:


> Retroactive jealousy is a hard thing for many to deal with. Especially for men who dislike the numbers women can rack up. Or the circumstances. Maybe the concern is that having been "wild" once that pattern could continue. I am not a male so I can't put myself into their shoes there but now he has a serious trust issue. And the short period of time you knew him before marrying him meant you didn't have time to know him as thoroughly as you might otherwise have. Did you tell him the constant suspicion is a potential deal breaker and needs to stop?


What I don't get about situations like this is that the OP says that she did reveal this info to him before they married. So he was aware and accepted her. But he, like apparently a lot of men, hold on to like it's a Holy Grail.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon Star79
I think your husband does not have appropriate boundaries. Deleting friends etc from someone else's FB is bad Breaking into your account is bad. 

I have always thought that even in marriage people need a little privacy. Open and honest is good - up to a point, but no one gets to tell someone else who they can be friends with or to read their private journals, etc.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I've read so many times the problems that come up about the bf/gf's past or husband/wife's past.

If your partner was in a relationships before you met, it's a far gone conclusion that they were intimate. DUH! 

People have sex. It's not a myth, it's fact. Now it's one thing if they were involved in things that were over the top and out of the main stream where you would question their activities but to ask for details of a persons sex life before you met them is asking for trouble.

I was married twice and neither on of my wives were virgins and neither was I so IMO, it cancelled the past out.

Now if I find out she was a hooker either male or female or made porn then you have reason to ask but to probe for every detail is not very healthy.


----------



## Star79 (Feb 8, 2014)

COguy said:


> Sounds like you both have issues. He's obviously dealing with trust stuff, you made it clear that you lied about the past, which would certainly exacerbate that.
> 
> I get the sense that if your husband was here we'd be hearing a different side of the story. Why were you lying about your past?


I lied about who I slept with because I wanted to make a good impression didn't want to come off like a HOE. He does not know any of these folks.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What I don't get about situations like this is that the OP says that she did reveal this info to him before they married. So he was aware and accepted her. But he, like apparently a lot of men, hold on to like it's a Holy Grail.


True. Even when some of them think they can handle the truth apparently they can't. It's for that reason I am not a believer in discussing what went on before the current partner came into the picture. They want to know. But when they don't like what they hear then they can't let go.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Star79 said:


> I lied about who I slept with because I wanted to make a good impression didn't want to come off like a HOE. He does not know any of these folks.


Many women do that. Some never get caught out. But some do and they end up with situations just like yours. TAM is full of similar stories -- sad to say.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Concealing who you've slept with doesn't justify invading your accounts, forced account closure or such paranoia as his.

He has serious insecurity issues. I'd advise you to not allow his jealous behavior to coerce you. It won't get better. He's building control mechanisms.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Star79 said:


> I lied about who I slept with because I wanted to make a good impression didn't want to come off like a HOE. He does not know any of these folks.


So...if you told him the truth you would have come off like a hoe. So you lied about it. Now he knows, and you sound like a hoe?

How did you expect that to go down exactly?

I have a hard time believing all of your story.....At the end of the day, you said he's been doing it your whole relationship, not sure what you are expecting to change. If he can't trust you and you aren't telling him the truth, doesn't sound like it's going to work. Good luck.


----------



## Star79 (Feb 8, 2014)

I really want good advice, so I make sure I tell both sides of the story. Even the bad things I have done. I don't need this site to validate who is wrong or right. Just some objective relationship advice. Thank you everyone- you are great and I appreciate your comments


----------



## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

control freak


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Star79 said:


> I lied about who I slept with because I wanted to make a good impression didn't want to come off like a HOE. He does not know any of these folks.


If you don't mind, I'm curious as to what questions he asked you and what you told him that was a lie. I think that having some detailed info would help in understanding.

For example, did he ask you how man men you'd had sex with and for a list of their name? Or did he go through that email account and ask you about each of them?

I'm just not sure how someone conducts an inquisition like this.


----------



## Star79 (Feb 8, 2014)

He went through the Facebook page and asked who they were. Then that conversation branched off to another one about how many partners. If I recalled correctly, I lied about someone being just a friend when they in fact were a sex partner. Eventually, I confessed because I could not keep up with the lies any further. The truth is forever and lies are temporary.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Star79 said:


> He went through the Facebook page and asked who they were. Then that conversation branched off to another one about how many partners. If I recalled correctly, I lied about someone being just a friend when they in fact were a sex partner. Eventually, I confessed because I could not keep up with the lies any further. The truth is forever and lies are temporary.


Start going to counseling. Both of you. And stop lying, that's really messed up and whatever issue your husband had or has or is now having is not being helped by you lying. Don't know how you can expect to have a good marriage when you can't be honest with your husband.


----------



## Star79 (Feb 8, 2014)

COguy said:


> Start going to counseling. Both of you. And stop lying, that's really messed up and whatever issue your husband had or has or is now having is not being helped by you lying. Don't know how you can expect to have a good marriage when you can't be honest with your husband.


Thank for a lesson on not lying. I am not a pathological liar, but I did lie because I was not ready to discuss the intimate topic after a short time of dating. Lying is never okay, but neither is emotional abuse.


----------



## CluelessWif (Jun 20, 2014)

Please, please, PLEASE read this web page. Your relationship is unhealthy, working it's way into straight abuse. Please read and answer the questions objectively.

You have mentioned some very disturbing things:
1. Degrading you for past sexual behavior, even punishing you, when you haven't done anything wrong.
2. Isolating you from family/friends/social networks.
3. Reading your journal. We each do have the right to our own thoughts. Period. 

Basically, if you have to ask if you are in an abusive relationship, you probably are.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm


----------



## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

Your husband sounds controlling and possessive. Seems to me that even if there is nothing to be found on your Facebook page he will eventually take issue with SOMETHING. Also, deleting your friends is completely out of line.

I only see this escalating. He wants complete control of you and when you begin to resist more, thus changing the current dynamic where he has free reign to be a complete tyrant, he is going to amp up and might even become violent. He is very insecure and expects your loyalty to him to feed his ego. I agree with previous poster who said you should get connected with a domestic violence hotline or shelter. You deserve to be safe and free from physical and mental terrorism.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Star79, his kind of paranoia is going to be a self fulfilling prophecy. As long as he's driven by fear of losing you, he'll continue to have the mind movies and mistrust and will be pushing you away. It's sad because I don't know how you can make him understand.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Star79 said:


> He went through the Facebook page and asked who they were. Then that conversation branched off to another one about how many partners. If I recalled correctly, I lied about someone being just a friend when they in fact were a sex partner. Eventually, I confessed because I could not keep up with the lies any further. The truth is forever and lies are temporary.


So after you knew him for about 3 months he broke into your Facebook account and started interrogating you. Is that right?

How long after you met him did he start this?

How long did your lying about it go on?

The reason I'm asking is that my take on what you have said is that this was a short period of time before you married him. And that at some point you did tell the truth. After that the lying is not something that you engage in.

Can you clarify?


----------



## Star79 (Feb 8, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> So after you knew him for about 3 months he broke into your Facebook account and started interrogating you. Is that right?
> 
> How long after you met him did he start this?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Star79 said:


> Thank for a lesson on not lying. I am not a pathological liar, but I did lie because I was not ready to discuss the intimate topic after a short time of dating. Lying is never okay, but neither is emotional abuse.


Well if you feel you're being emotionally abused then leave.

You jumped on the ladies lounge so you're going to get a certain amount of people that will accept your situation at face value and start chanting "He's an abuser!"

But I honestly don't think you've told his side of the story, and intentionally you keep leaving out important details.

So if what you're saying is true at face value, you don't need any more advice other than to leave an abusive relationship. If you want actual advice, you're going to have to provide more details, and start taking responsibility for your own actions.

As an ADULT, you needed to be more responsible about your past. "I'm not comfortable answering these questions so early in our relationship." If you lied about something, "Hey I told you when we were first dating that x, Y, and Z were just friends but wanted to let you know I have actually slept with them." That's your responsibility as a partner. You don't get to shrug that off because you don't like your partners behavior.

At this point, trust has been damaged and it's going to take a lot of work and effort from your side to repair it. Even if his actions are unjustified.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COguy said:


> At this point, trust has been damaged and it's going to take a lot of work and effort from your side to repair it. Even if his actions are unjustified.


:iagree:

Lies destroy. So does habitual stalking/deleting people from your Facebook.

This is a mountain of problems to ovecome. And none of it is healthy.


----------



## Star79 (Feb 8, 2014)

COguy said:


> Well if you feel you're being emotionally abused then leave.
> 
> You jumped on the ladies lounge so you're going to get a certain amount of people that will accept your situation at face value and start chanting "He's an abuser!"
> 
> ...


If I didn't know any better. I would think you were my husband impersonating a normal site user. The criticism and the skeptism in your comments emulate his behavior. Anywho, thanks for your in sight. I came clean to my poor behavior and have accepted responsibility for it. And just wanted some advice. See what happens when you honest to someone who is already skeptical. There will never be enough information to satify a skeptical or delusional persons reality, even if you are partially responsible for shaping that reality.


----------



## Star79 (Feb 8, 2014)

The title of this post is I HAVE CREATED A MONSTER. The operative phrase is "I HAVE" meaning I am aware of my role in the matter.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Star79 said:


> If I didn't know any better. I would think you were my husband impersonating a normal site user. The criticism and the skeptism in your comments emulate his behavior. Anywho, thanks for your in sight. I came clean to my poor behavior and have accepted responsibility for it. And just wanted some advice. See what happens when you honest to someone who is already skeptical. There will never be enough information to satify a skeptical or delusional persons reality, even if you are partially responsible for shaping that reality.


"The lady doth protest too much, methinks"


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Some things are still private. I have an expectation that I can use the toilet without my partner barging in. I have an expectation that I could speak freely with a therapist without my partner knowing everything that was said. When it comes to things like FB, I don't think anyone needs their spouses password unless they have been unfaithful in the past.


I would add a personal journal to the list of things that could be considered private even within a marriage...


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It's also possible he's checking up on you because he's projecting. My father used to say, "The person most afraid of getting robbed is a thief."


----------

