# Ive had 2 affairs in 4 years



## Redcurry (Mar 3, 2018)

Im 37 and have kids under 10 about 4 yrs ago we had twins and looking back i think this along with my infidelity has ruined my marriage. Ive had 2 affairs with 2 woman more than 10 yrs my junior first ended after 2 yrs due to no future i initially thought i madly loved her but over time it quickly ended up just fizzling out. Second woman it grew from friendship into a very serious relationship, she knows im still married to and has always admitted we have no future but that didnt stop our love for each other growing. She has now ended it again because she doesnt think its best to get married as i have kids and it wouldnt work. 

Im so heartbroken. I felt i was ready to leave my wife for the younger woman but she sadly didnt want to explore marriage. I have one foot in my marriage and one foot out. Its got to the point where im just here for the kids, i don't enjoy her company anymore, our sex life is awful no kissing or hugging just emotionally detached sex which is rare. She craves romance, hugs, love i just cant bring myself to do it as i feel empty towards her. I feel so heartbroken about my marriage that 17 years has gone. 

I know I've partly gone through a Mid life crisis the kids, work stress, no time for me and her always trying to pass the buck im like why should i do it i work you do it im tired etc. We always argue and bicker, snidy remarks. Ive gone weeks not talking just text messaging to ask for what i want or to discuss. We sleep in seperate rooms. I just feel the marriage is on its last legs i know im to blame. Should i stay or go can i bring this love back? Right now I'm hurting because my affair is over and i miss the bliss and times we had we never fought she was my joy and happiness. 

People say go away on holiday but i feel one thing she might say and ill probably get into an argument. My kids now argue with each other im sure its because they see mom and dad fight. I just feel like i want to start again with someone else, kids without support really can ruin a marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

End your broken marriage and your wife and give her a chance to find someone better. Obviously you don't want to be in the marriage, if you even have the stuff to do it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Redcurry said:


> looking back i think this *along with my infidelity* has ruined my marriage.


Ya think?

*I feel so heartbroken about my marriage that 17 years has gone.
*

Really? It seems to me you should feel heartbroken for your unsuspecting betrayed wife. Look, you need to do one of two things; confess, send your wife to this forum for advice, and take your chances with what she'll want to do; or even better, do her a favor and divorce her. She deserves better.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Why can’t you end it and let your wife find someone who will love her so you can pursue your lady love before you instill this kind of model of a marriage in your children? 

Because it sounds like you’ve never even gave your marriage a chance before you started test driving relationships with new women.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

I was an only child of divorced parents. I can honestly say that I was happier after my parent's divorce than while they were together and hated each other. Was there a difficult adjustment period? Sure, but that only was only a few months to a half year. Then the new normal kicked in. The difference was that my parents weren't miserable (and making each other miserable) all the time anymore. Long story short, if you are staying together for the kids, don't. You ALL will be happier in the long run...


If your kids ask why you got divorced, my advice to be completely honest and accept your responsibility this situation. You have already shattered their world (whether you divorce or not), do not insult their intelligence by lying to them about it. Chances are they already know 80% of the story simply by observing you and their mother. They will eventually forgive about the current situation. They will not forgive you if you lie to them...

Good luck to you. 


PS: Find someone you can remain faithful for your next relationship. You have more than just yourself to think about now...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Edo Edo said:


> PS: Find someone you can remain faithful for your next relationship. You have more than just yourself to think about now...


This literally made me laugh out loud. The problem with cheaters is internal. Rather than resolve the problems they are having, they seek someone or something else to make them happy. They are not self regulating. They cannot see where they are responsible for their lives and their happiness by having integrity and doing what it takes to resolve problems.

Your problem is not your marriage. Your problem is that you are unreliable and irresponsible, not only with your wife, but with your children as well.

To resolve this, you will have to flip a switch in your thinking from looking outside for happiness and to finding that you are the only one with the key to making your life a happy one. You do that by having a set of values and by treating others with love and respect. You live up to your obligations and do things based on how they will impact you and your family, not on a temporary feeling it gives you.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

Consider going to your wife and begging her forgiveness for being selfish, ruining your marriage and making your children’s lives more difficult. Then actually try to NOT CHEAT on your wife. Maybe then you will fight less. Just an idea.


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## Redcurry (Mar 3, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> Edo Edo said:
> 
> 
> > PS: Find someone you can remain faithful for your next relationship. You have more than just yourself to think about now...
> ...


This made sense, your right it is something internal, to completely disregard my wife and family like that and seek the thrill and passion elsewhere i know my wife seeks the same but she wants it from us and I want it elsewhere now. 

I never get why people say confess your affair. I think thats ridiculous it will do more harm than good. Ideally id like to get over my affair partner and try and mend my relationship at home but right now im not sure if i can. I also feel im just one argument away from seperating. 

I literally have no idea what im going to do. Firstly i need to get this heartache and get over affair the breakup then im going to figure out if im not having an affair perhaps then i may be able to have clean shot at salavaging this marriage. 

I know things are lacking in my marriage and im looking for it outside i think because ive had a taste for happiness elsewhere i worry im gonna fall back into it.

I loved my wife and i was very secure in our marriage and dedicated but sometimes outside factors strained our relationship these things happen. Im definitely wiser i hope if there is a next time elsewhere ill try and make sure ive got a better environment for a marriage to flourish I was so young and naive with no marriage and parenting advice and support.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

As if twin children and daily struggles make EVERY parent cheat? Sheesh... 

Look, you got something broken inside you that makes you seek fulfillment elsewhere. You think it is everything else, your wife, your kids but in the end it is you that fantasizes and chases unsuitable women. Look that other 10 years your junior woman you THOUGHT you loved but it fizzled, because you are already looking for a way out but you NEED someone to be there for you when you leave. That tells me (YOUR BRAIN IS FU cccck eeed up man). 

You are the one doing wrong, handling life all sorts of wrong. 
Your wife deserves a PARTNER WHO HAS HER BACK, and you are not that. Let her be free to find someone BETTER than you.

Sorry to be harsh, but that is how i see you and what you have read. That is how the world, family, friends are about to see you. 

Be prepared and don't be a jerk and get defensive. You will lose more people by acting that way.

NOT confessing saves yourself and everyones perception of you. Telling your wife is so she can not have a FALSE perception of you. Manipulating her into staying with you by allowing her to have a FALSE perception of you is down right DIRTY evil behavior. You will never address the problems that you have and you will likely cheat again. DONT EVEN SAY YOU WONT. 

It is immoral to shield her from the truth because the TRUTH IS you are only protecting youself from her knowing who and what you REALLY ARE. 

my dad thought as you did... in fact he often said he thought it was selfish to tell the BS the truth. Try explaining that to the VICTIM of infidelity when it is discovered, and it OFTEN IS.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP you are a weak insecure person. You aren't heart broken over anything other than you might end up alone. That is the only thing I took from your post.


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## Redcurry (Mar 3, 2018)

threelittlestars said:


> As if twin children and daily struggles make EVERY parent cheat? Sheesh...
> 
> Look, you got something broken inside you that makes you seek fulfillment elsewhere. You think it is everything else, your wife, your kids but in the end it is you that fantasizes and chases unsuitable women. Look that other 10 years your junior woman you THOUGHT you loved but it fizzled, because you are already looking for a way out but you NEED someone to be there for you when you leave. That tells me (YOUR BRAIN IS FU cccck eeed up man).
> 
> ...


Ouch


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## Redcurry (Mar 3, 2018)

This place certainly not the place for empathy.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

We are empathetic, just work though your feelings AND give us reason to empathize... We are world class bubble poppers! 

So far you have blamed everything else but yourself for cheating. We don't have much to work with yet.

And we aint lyin to ya  this is how AVERAGE people see things. Without the filter of politeness. You came here seeking answers. You don't have to like the answers.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Redcurry said:


> I never get why people say confess your affair. I think thats ridiculous it will do more harm than good.


That's because you think like a cheater, not a remorseful husband.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Redcurry said:


> This place certainly not the place for empathy.


:lol: :rofl:


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Redcurry said:


> This place certainly not the place for empathy.


Oh I empathize with you.
I know lots of lying,cheating,blame shifting,cowards.
I give them the same advice I’ll give you.Please divorce your poor wife and give her a chance to have some sort of a life with a decent,honorable,faithful man,not a two time loser like you.
Was that empathetic enough?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Redcurry said:


> This place certainly not the place for empathy.


Empathy does not mean you get a pat on the back, validation or forgiveness. Empathy means understanding, it so far it seems as though everyone here completely understands you. The fact that you are looking for "empathy" says it all.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Redcurry said:


> Im 37 and have kids under 10 about 4 yrs ago we had twins and looking back i think this along with my infidelity has ruined my marriage. Ive had 2 affairs with 2 woman more than 10 yrs my junior first ended after 2 yrs due to no future i initially thought i madly loved her but over time it quickly ended up just fizzling out. Second woman it grew from friendship into a very serious relationship, she knows im still married to and has always admitted we have no future but that didnt stop our love for each other growing. She has now ended it again because she doesnt think its best to get married as i have kids and it wouldnt work. Im so heartbroken. I felt i was ready to leave my wife for the younger woman but she sadly didnt want to explore marriage. I have one foot in my marriage and one foot out. Its got to the point where im just here for the kids, i don't enjoy her company anymore, our sex life is awful no kissing or hugging just emotionally detached sex which is rare. She craves romance, hugs, love i just cant bring myself to do it as i feel empty towards her. I feel so heartbroken about my marriage that 17 years has gone. I know I've partly gone through a Mid life crisis the kids, work stress, no time for me and her always trying to pass the buck im like why should i do it i work you do it im tired etc. We always argue and bicker, snidy remarks. Ive gone weeks not talking just text messaging to ask for what i want or to discuss. We sleep in seperate rooms. I just feel the marriage is on its last legs i know im to blame. Should i stay or go can i bring this love back? Right now I'm hurting because my affair is over and i miss the bliss and times we had we never fought she was my joy and happiness. People say go away on holiday but i feel one thing she might say and ill probably get into an argument. My kids now argue with each other im sure its because they see mom and dad fight. I just feel like i want to start again with someone else, kids without support really can ruin a marriage.


LOL...

Dude you don’t need to be marrying — or _married to_ — anyone.

Including your _actual_, _*current*_ wife.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Redcurry,

You don't cheat because your marriage is bad, you have a bad marriage because you are cheating.

Everyone here who has written to you is like you in that they too would enjoy the fun of extra-marital sex, many here however don't go down that path because they know it leads to destruction.

Your W likely knows something in her gut, she senses that you are lying all the time.

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Actually most here do have empathy, but it's not empathy to continue to give drinks to an Alcoholic.

In a very real sense you are addicted to the excitement of an affair.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

You need therapy, OP. If this is your solution to dealing with hardships in life and marriage and you don’t work yourself out, the chances are high that you will do it again. These things don’t “just happen.” It takes a series of choices that only required your full consent before you let yourself fall down the rabbit hole. You were even ready to leave your wife for one, ffs.

If you even want a chance of working out, tell her so she can also have a decision in what goes on in her marriage, not to mention for her own health in case you picked up something nasty. Stop making unilateral decisions for yourself that only benefit you.

If not, set your wife free so you both can pursue happiness. Why should you get to be the only one who decides to be happy?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Redcurry said:


> Ouch


Did you really come here with your "whoa is me" and expect empathy?


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## Redcurry (Mar 3, 2018)

Great so im your typical low life cheater, fine i get it of course my wife deserves better and yeah im definitely not marriage material. 

I was hoping to here from another guy who perhaps has gone through the same thing did he leave did he go from the i think im at the point of no return to loving his wife again and staying faithful and committed.

I'm just fed up of this boring monotonous marriage, daily grind and raising kids.

I wanna go out and socialise and enjoy myself.

Am i having a mid life crisis?

Ive persauded myself ill be okay marry a lovely younger woman no kids and i can start again but this time i wont cheat as i'll stay happy as i wont make the same mistakes again ill make sure we have support to raise these kids taking pressure of our marriage. Ive read multiple articles on how kids can ruin a marriage. Me having an affair is a separate matter it was only a catalyst to what was most likely going to happen.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Your marriage is likely dead. There's not a lot of redemtion to be had in that regard. It appears that your priorities are extremely screwed up. You feel like you would be happy "out having fun". There is much fun and fulfillment in sharing good times with your wife and children. You shouldn't need to do that alone or with some strange. 

If it's sympathy you want, there a huge pitty party going on in an adjacent thread. Go there and wallow in it.

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Redcurry said:


> Great so im your typical low life cheater, fine i get it of course my wife deserves better and yeah im definitely not marriage material.
> 
> I was hoping to here from another guy who perhaps has gone through the same thing did he leave did he go from the i think im at the point of no return to loving his wife again and staying faithful and committed.
> 
> ...




Yes, you are typical. (People often think their situation is different but it so rarely is). 

I think Midlife crisis is a cop out and an excuse to be selfish because (tick tock). 

(*I'm just fed up of this boring monotonous marriage, daily grind and raising kids.*) 
I AM TOO! But Im not devaluing it either by playing with matches around it's fragile paper edges. 

Family is to be cherished. One of your kids or all of them including your clueless wife could be snuffed out in an instance (car wreck) and you would have freedom. (BUT) it would leave you empty and unfulfilled because the family you could lose has more value to you once you don't have them anymore.You would give your life to have the clock turn back. 

The real facts are that what you want in a moment, right now is more important than your entire family and life that you built. Why is that? Not why do you cheat, but why do you want something different? 

Is this normal for you when thinking back to the past? Are you often unfulfilled by things that should give you both pride and joy?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Redcurry said:


> This made sense, your right it is something internal, to completely disregard my wife and family like that and seek the thrill and passion elsewhere i know my wife seeks the same but she wants it from us and I want it elsewhere now.
> 
> I never get why people say confess your affair. I think thats ridiculous it will do more harm than good. Ideally id like to get over my affair partner and try and mend my relationship at home but right now im not sure if i can. I also feel im just one argument away from seperating.
> 
> ...


From the outside looking in, this shows that you are clearly confused. You are contradicting yourself. You were happy with your wife. You had some difficulties at home due to normal life circumstances. We all have them. If you had stayed with either of your lovers, you would have had difficulties in your life with them as well. You were living a type of fantasy that was separated from your normal lives and sheltered from difficulty. It wasn't the woman. It was you and the dysfunctional manner in which you handle life's difficulties. You are looking outside yourself to soothe your pain rather than dealing with the pain and difficulties.

Rather than running to someone else, you should have been bonding closer to your wife and drawing in with her to resolve the problems. You should have 100% had each other's backs and treated each other as people with great value, but instead you ran to a fantasy that you created and now you are dissatisfied with reality. Based on what you've written, your wife is also dissatisfied with her reality as well. Not only does she have stress at home, but she has a checked out husband who doesn't even enjoy making love to her.

The reason people say to come clean is because your wife is currently living a lie. Lying is manipulative. It takes away the other person's options to deal with reality because you are withholding vital information that they need to make a truthful decision about her own life. It's extremely selfish; completely lacking in any concern for your partner's autonomy to make her own decisions. Not only is it manipulative, it is also controlling, because you are controlling how someone views their reality.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I don't think you should work on your marriage. I think you should work on treating your wife and family like people who matter. Don't defend yourself when your wife gets angry. Listen to her and try to understand her pain. Seek to work together with her to make your family and your life work with the most love and comfort that you can give each other. Stop fighting with her. Just stop.

Maybe after a while you will begin to see that you are the author of your marriage problems and will be ready to come clean to your wife and give her a chance to make her own decisions based on the truth.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Redcurry 

First of all realize this, you didn’t make a mistake, you made a choice to cheat. You say you are staying for the kids, then say you just want to start over, what happens to your kids when you start over with a new lifestyle? Do you plan on co-parenting them? If so, how does that allow you to start over? You want empathy, have you given empathy to your wife? Compassion? Honesty? No, a life built on lies is so much better then the truth. Last, what kind of role model are you to the kids you are so kind to stay for? You need extensive therapy, you need to set your wife AND kids free, then you need to figure yourself.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Redcurry said:


> Great so im your typical low life cheater, fine i get it of course my wife deserves better and yeah im definitely not marriage material.
> 
> I was hoping to here from another guy who perhaps has gone through the same thing did he leave did he go from the i think im at the point of no return to loving his wife again and staying faithful and committed.
> 
> ...


Honestly I might just be the only guy that lurks around here that fits that description. I was a serial cheater. I felt exactly the same way you did about your marriage in a lot of ways. I always craved excitement. I felt I married the good girl, the safe choice, and I was genuinely just bored. So I started cheating, and it was exciting. At first there were no emotional attachments, but its like playing russian roulette, eventually you'll find someone you really click with. My marriage really suffered. In retrospect it was because I was nurturing the affair I was in, instead of my marriage. I ended up leaving, and I found exactly what it is you say you're seeking.

My girlfriend is a ten by most men's standards, she is funny, she is good in bed, she is an amazing cook, she also has her own money, like, a lot of it. But you know what...she isn't home. She isn't the family that I created. I am not going to tell you I am miserable, because I am not. But I am certainly not happier. Its just kind of the same. I know had I put the effort into my marriage it would've worked. My new life wasn't worth uprooting everything I have ever known and upsetting so many people over. It was actually very selfish, and for what?

OP, right now you are still kind of caught up with thoughts of the woman you had an affair with. Once your head clears, I'd advise you to nurture the relationship with your wife and really make an effort at it. The grass isn't always greener, its just different grass, not necessarily better or worse. The problem is you're still you, and until you look at how unrealistic this fantasy life you've built up in your head is, you won't be happy in any relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Redcurry said:


> Great so im your typical low life cheater, fine i get it of course my wife deserves better and yeah im definitely not marriage material.
> 
> I was hoping to here from another guy who perhaps has gone through the same thing did he leave did he go from the i think im at the point of no return to loving his wife again and staying faithful and committed.
> 
> ...


You are not old enough to have a mid life crisis.

I'll bet that your wife is also tired of a boring monotonous marriage, the daily grind and raising kids. I bet he's like some guy who loves her, romances her, helps her out and treats her right.

Your marriage failed because you had affairs. A marriage cannot thrive when you are having affairs. The affair robs your wife of being able to meet your needs and of you being able to meet hers.

You really just need to get a divorce. Your wife and kids deserve better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh, and the reason you should tell your wife about the affairs is that she has the right to make up her own mind about whether or not she wants to stay with a many who lies to her, cheats on her and spend money on other women.

By not telling her, you are talking away her right to decide what she allows in her life.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Seriously the best thing you can do for yourself is this. Get some legal advice on how a divorce will shake out for you. Obviously we do not know the extent of your marriage problems and what has bought you here today. We do know that you are unhappy and your wife is very unhappy. After you have recieved your legal advice provided you do not live in a at fault divorce state sit your wife down and tell her 

"Wife we are both unhappy to date and have been for a while. I have a confession to make. For the past two years i have been having an affair which just ended. We can either sit down together and really try to work on our marriage or we can go our seperate ways and divorce. I understand this is a very difficult time for you and I will give you a couple of days to process this and think about what you want to do. I'll respect your wishes either way.

Then tell her you have booked a hotel room for yourself only and will give her space and return in two days to discuss her decision. If your wife does by some chance decide she wants to work things out unless you are completely invested in giving it another go it would just be a waste of time.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Redcurry said:


> Great so im your typical low life cheater, fine i get it of course my wife deserves better and yeah im definitely not marriage material.
> 
> I was hoping to here from another guy who perhaps has gone through the same thing did he leave did he go from the i think im at the point of no return to loving his wife again and staying faithful and committed.
> 
> ...


Your problem is that you are a fool. This means that you don't get it and you don't want to. Therefore, you are willing to destroy the people who love you the most and those who rely on you so that you can "go out and socialize." I hope your wife divorces you and you are utterly and completely miserable. May you reap what you sow and may it happen quickly.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Redcurry said:


> Great so im your typical low life cheater, fine i get it of course my wife deserves better and yeah im definitely not marriage material.
> 
> I was hoping to here from another guy who perhaps has gone through the same thing did he leave did he go from the i think im at the point of no return to loving his wife again and staying faithful and committed.
> 
> ...


Yes, as a matter of fact you are the typical low life cheater, but rather than admitting to the one person that should matter to you, which is YOU. Instead you want to keep deluding yourself. You do realize you had some input into having those kids don't you? You just keep making excuses how you are different and everybody should just accept that. But you aren't different, you are just too big of a coward to admit to yourself what you really are. The first step to solving a problem is admitting there is one in the first place.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hmm.....younger woman didn't want to explore marriage with an older married cheater.

Smart woman....she has much better options.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

Redcurry said:


> Great so im your typical low life cheater, fine i get it of course my wife deserves better and yeah im definitely not marriage material.
> 
> I was hoping to here from another guy who perhaps has gone through the same thing did he leave did he go from the i think im at the point of no return to loving his wife again and staying faithful and committed.
> 
> ...


 Either you are completely self absorbed, tone deaf , AND having a mid life crisis OR.......you are a troll. There are no other possible explanations.


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## Redcurry (Mar 3, 2018)

Ive broken up with this woman about 2 times a month for the past year we have a few days gap and then we get back together but now the pain of not being together she feels she cant carry on. Its like the fun is over now, i also dont wanna carry on living a double life im way too tired. Currently its about a 5 days and no contact but im sure sooner or later shell be in contact.

Im so utterly convinced that the grass is greener on the other side i have it all planned out because my marriage was great at the start.

I think right now im just heartbroken because all our memories and great moments haunt me and im just so upset that its over and we have no future. I wonder if she misses me? Damn i miss her so much.

I also wonder why i just dont feel that guilty about cheating i feel like no ones getting hurt except for the obvious marriage is strained. Gosh with all your replies of damnation you'd think i need the chair. 

What possible therapy do i need? Solve issues ive had in childhood kind of thing.

Im not a troll.


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## Redcurry (Mar 3, 2018)

How do you put effort into a marriage when you dont even feel like going out to dinner or hugging or kissing. When i see her i feel bitter inside and i cant look her in the face because i dislike her. All these negative feelings from arguing for so many years. I wish they did just go away and i felt warmth i used to have.

I really dont want a divorce but i just dont know if its salvagable. 

Ill keep you posted x


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Typical self-absorbed wayward bull****.

But hey, we’re not completely heartless —here’s the “empathy” you asked for...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Human behavior is predictable to a great degree. That's why we have fields like psychology. People can actually make generalizations about how other people think and behave.

So, here's my prediction for you:

Tell your wife about your cheating. Then this will happen:

- Your wife will at first appear broken, but then will find the strength to kick you to the curb.
- You will suddenly see what you would be losing.
- You will miss those twins who contribute so mightily to the monotonous grind.
- You will be attracted to your wife's strength.
- You will respect her for not lying and you will feel shame for your own dishonesty.

So, long story short - if you want to rediscover your wife, tell her the truth.

If you are like most people, it will haunt you forever that you have become such a liar.


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

You are totally to blame. You can't blame stuff like everyone faces on having TWO affairs. You shouldn't be married. Your family deserves better. Where there's two affairs, there will be three.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Redcurry said:


> Ive broken up with this woman about 2 times a month for the past year we have a few days gap and then we get back together but now the pain of not being together she feels she cant carry on. Its like the fun is over now, i also dont wanna carry on living a double life im way too tired. Currently its about a 5 days and no contact but im sure sooner or later shell be in contact.
> 
> Im so utterly convinced that the grass is greener on the other side i have it all planned out because my marriage was great at the start.
> 
> ...


Affairs are like an addiction. In fact the new relationships flood your brain with chemicals and hormones that make you bang and make babies. 

You likely cant stand your wife right now as a psychological condition to give you the emotional (pass) to have the affair. In a way,either intentionally or not you have lable'd your wife as the enemy. My husband did a similar thing. He had some minor issues and he also got to the point where he thought he needed a divorce and start over. Infact he had a very similar letter to his OW about just wanting to be free. 

When i discovered the affair he went into save his ass mode. He suddenly cared so much about me because he was about to lose everything. His other woman was not worth it in the end either. 

You don't feel particularly guilty yet because it is still a secret. Pedophiles don't often feel remorse or guilt until they are forced to FACE their actions and see their actions reflected through other peoples eyes. Cheating is a lot like that. 

even when cheating is found out the cheater can go through months trying to defend their actions and it is because of ego and sometimes narcissism and varying degrees of it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Redcurry said:


> How do you put effort into a marriage when you dont even feel like going out to dinner or hugging or kissing. When i see her i feel bitter inside and i cant look her in the face because i dislike her. All these negative feelings from arguing for so many years. I wish they did just go away and i felt warmth i used to have.
> 
> I really dont want a divorce but i just dont know if its salvagable.
> 
> Ill keep you posted x


The reason you do not fell like doing anything with your wife or being affectionate with her is because of the affair. That's generally what affairs do, they take your affection and care away from your wife.

As long as you are pining for the OW, you will feel like **** and not want anything to do with your wife. The attachment you have with the OW is chemical. What I mean by that I that when a person is "in love" their brain is pumping a lot of feel good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin. To keep your high, you need to be with your affair partner. So every time you see her, you get a fix... it's a lot like a cocaine addiction.

Right now you feel like **** because you are not getting your fix. Your brain is screaming at you to go be with your OW so that your brain will produce more feel good chemicals.

Stay away from her for a while that that will fade.

Then you can start working to reconnect with your wife. As long as you are in an affair, you wife has no chance what so ever to make you feel good like your OW does.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Redcurry said:


> Ive persauded myself ill be okay marry a lovely younger woman no kids and i can start again but this time i wont cheat as i'll stay happy as i wont make the same mistakes again ill make sure we have support to raise these kids taking pressure of our marriage. Ive read multiple articles on how kids can ruin a marriage. Me having an affair is a separate matter it was only a catalyst to what was most likely going to happen.


How, in God's name, can you say this??? What makes you think that marrying a second younger woman with no kids is going to make you happy? 

What makes you think you won't cheat again when the inevitable hardships come in the new relationship...or God forbid, you have more kids with the 2nd wife?

You did that already with your current wife...and how is that turning out? What have you learned? That kids ruin marriages? That's pretty f'd up.

The affair isn't the catalyst. It is a manifestation of the real problem, which is that you are constantly seeking happiness elsewhere. And do you really even know what love is? 

I think you are addicted to the feelings you get in new relationships and "forbidden" relationships. It isn't love. Do you know what limerence is? 

You need to set yourself up some counseling. Figure out what it means to be real quality man of integrity, a real dad who actually cares about his kids' and his wife's wellbeing...and not some walking **** cliche.


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## Redcurry (Mar 3, 2018)

threelittlestars said:


> Redcurry said:
> 
> 
> > Ive broken up with this woman about 2 times a month for the past year we have a few days gap and then we get back together but now the pain of not being together she feels she cant carry on. Its like the fun is over now, i also dont wanna carry on living a double life im way too tired. Currently its about a 5 days and no contact but im sure sooner or later shell be in contact.
> ...


Thanks i totally agree.


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## Redcurry (Mar 3, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Redcurry said:
> 
> 
> > How do you put effort into a marriage when you dont even feel like going out to dinner or hugging or kissing. When i see her i feel bitter inside and i cant look her in the face because i dislike her. All these negative feelings from arguing for so many years. I wish they did just go away and i felt warmth i used to have.
> ...


Wow your so right me and the OW always say were on drugs and addicted to each other and right now im going through major withdrawl. Im forever staring at her name on whatsapp wondering if shes online


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## Redcurry (Mar 3, 2018)

Tron said:


> Redcurry said:
> 
> 
> > Ive persauded myself ill be okay marry a lovely younger woman no kids and i can start again but this time i wont cheat as i'll stay happy as i wont make the same mistakes again ill make sure we have support to raise these kids taking pressure of our marriage. Ive read multiple articles on how kids can ruin a marriage. Me having an affair is a separate matter it was only a catalyst to what was most likely going to happen.
> ...


I hate the fact that im doing something loathed by every culture religious or non religious. I dont know what went wrong. As i kid id always think why would a man cheat on his wife if he chose her and loves her.. 

I need to first get over this OW.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Redcurry said:


> I hate the fact that im doing something loathed by every culture religious or non religious. I dont know what went wrong. As i kid id always think why would a man cheat on his wife if he chose her and loves her..
> 
> I need to first get over this OW.


Fair warning. it takes A LOT OF TIME to get over it. It helps very much if you are distracted by telling your wife. I know you dont want to do that, but it is crucial in repairing your marriage. 

Think of this. If you do get OW out of your head and get right with your family THEN 5 years later your wife figures out she will think the last 7 years of her life were fake, illusion. she may never forgive you for it. 

So... I will really strongly advise confessing and outlining a timeline before confession. 

If you approach confession right you may be able to save your ass for real. full disclosure is what is often suggested on MOST marriage building and repairing sites.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Redcurry said:


> I hate the fact that im doing something loathed by every culture religious or non religious. I dont know what went wrong. As i kid id always think why would a man cheat on his wife if he chose her and loves her..
> 
> I need to first get over this OW.


The reason why infidelity is "loathed" is that it is a complete betrayal of the one(s) you purportedly love the most. It destroys families. 

More important than getting over your 2nd FB is to figure out what went wrong and what is wrong with you? 

I think you will find that ghosting your AP is going to be a lot easier than working through your own chit.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You are not a monogamous person. In and of itself that is not necessarily a bad thing, but marriage is reserved for monogamous people.

Being polyamorous is not a bad thing as long as your partners understand you are not exclusive. Cheating on your wife is the bad thing.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you're never going to get over the OW if you're continually mooning over her. If you're actually serious about this, then you need to delete the apps you used to chat with her. Block her number, her email address, her accounts on Twitter, Snapchat, Whatsapp, Kik, Facebook, Messenger, and any other means she might have of contacting you electronically or via social media. Don't go to places where you might see her. If you two work together, one of you needs to find a new job. If she's in your social circle, you need to find new friends. As long as you have the possibility of "running into her" or contacting her in any way, you'll continue to pine for her. And every time you do make contact, you'll get your "fix" and the clock on your getting over her will be reset to zero. You must go 100% no-contact with her, permanently. 

Otherwise, you're just playing games between hookups with the OW, and you will be continuing to cheat on your wife.


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## naperken (Feb 21, 2012)

@Redcurry,

There's a saying, "No matter where you go, there you are."

This is you, this is me, this is everybody... nobody is immune.

If one goes from relationship to relationship, expecting the next one to be 'it', they will invariably be disappointed because the problem starts and ends with you.

You are expecting external things/experiences to fill this hole inside of you but it's not going to happen. The solution is internal, not external. The ironic thing is your ex mistress saw this when you couldn't... why do you think she left you?

This may be blunt but you have no business being in any relationship until you are capable of filling your own cup. As others have said, you are a prime candidate for therapy.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

You made bad decisions, but you don't deserve to feel ashamed and heartbroken forever. Try setting aside some time every day to care for yourself, to do self-help books and read books about recovering from one's own infidelity. The Abandonment Recovery Workbook is my favorite. It was actually designed for both cheating spouses and cheated-on spouses, and it will help you grieve for your marriage and your affairs, without judging yourself or falling into unhealthy behaviors. 

Think of ten things that you enjoy that relax you, don't make you upset, and don't involve more infidelity, or drugs and alcohol, or reckless spending, or overeating. Maybe taking a bath or a long shower, watching your favorite show, going to bed early, preparing and eating a healthy gourmet meal, playing video games, going for walks, etc.

Write them down and do one thing every day. 

Then think of ten unpleasant things that might make your quality of life better, like going to therapy, doing household chores, managing your finances, reading self-help books, etc. Write them down, and make time for one thing every day.


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## Redcurry (Mar 3, 2018)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> You made bad decisions, but you don't deserve to feel ashamed and heartbroken forever. Try setting aside some time every day to care for yourself, to do self-help books and read books about recovering from one's own infidelity. The Abandonment Recovery Workbook is my favorite. It was actually designed for both cheating spouses and cheated-on spouses, and it will help you grieve for your marriage and your affairs, without judging yourself or falling into unhealthy behaviors.
> 
> Think of ten things that you enjoy that relax you, don't make you upset, and don't involve more infidelity, or drugs and alcohol, or reckless spending, or overeating. Maybe taking a bath or a long shower, watching your favorite show, going to bed early, preparing and eating a healthy gourmet meal, playing video games, going for walks, etc.
> 
> ...


I think through past few days after reading through posts i may just be addicted to this feeling of affair love. Its almost if ive been on cocaine for the past 4 yrs and i cant quit. I feel as though i need to find someone else to replace her even if it be a rebound. I think im just unhappy in life and this relationship came along and filled a huge void in my life. Its what will smith said on his facebook page we need to stop using our partners as sources of happiness in life and make our selves happy. I just dont know what that is now. Being involved with a much younger woman no doubt is such a ego massage and i thrive on our good times they really are so much fun and enjoyable even if they are just sitting watching Netflix or just grabbing a coffee somewhere. 

Thanks for your replies people x


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

That is the most sensible thing you've written.

Get into counseling and start digging! The issues run deeper than you think.

Good luck.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Redcurry said:


> I think through past few days after reading through posts i may just be addicted to this feeling of affair love. Its almost if ive been on cocaine for the past 4 yrs and i cant quit. I feel as though i need to find someone else to replace her even if it be a rebound. I think im just unhappy in life and this relationship came along and filled a huge void in my life. Its what will smith said on his facebook page we need to stop using our partners as sources of happiness in life and make our selves happy. I just dont know what that is now. Being involved with a much younger woman no doubt is such a ego massage and i thrive on our good times they really are so much fun and enjoyable even if they are just sitting watching Netflix or just grabbing a coffee somewhere.
> 
> Thanks for your replies people x


Wow man, I am impressed. You certainly seem to be realizing that its a problem. I let it destroy my life, don't let it happen to you. Pull away from the OW, regain some clarity. I guarantee you if you go no contact for 30 days the feelings won't be as strong. They fade pretty quickly. Nurture your relationship with your wife, I have a feeling she will respond positively. Like I said, I walked in your shoes, I am with someone else now, and even though she is great, I still have the same issues. I can't say I always agree with the advice doled out on here, but in this case they are spot on. At the end of the day, its all about you. I'm rooting for you my friend. Let her go, you loved your wife once, I promise it will come back if you work at it.

On a side note....you said a key word in your post that resonated with me "ego". Its the main source of the problem. People like you (and me), who have had more than one affair crave the things that boost our egos. For me its not just women. To quote Ron Burgundy, I seek out trying to be "kind of a big deal", in most situations. I am hesitant to say it makes us bad people, or flawed, but....it doesn't make us the ideal partner in a committed relationship. I do think you can beat it though, if you know its a weakness.


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## Redcurry (Mar 3, 2018)

ReformedHubby said:


> Redcurry said:
> 
> 
> > I think through past few days after reading through posts i may just be addicted to this feeling of affair love. Its almost if ive been on cocaine for the past 4 yrs and i cant quit. I feel as though i need to find someone else to replace her even if it be a rebound. I think im just unhappy in life and this relationship came along and filled a huge void in my life. Its what will smith said on his facebook page we need to stop using our partners as sources of happiness in life and make our selves happy. I just dont know what that is now. Being involved with a much younger woman no doubt is such a ego massage and i thrive on our good times they really are so much fun and enjoyable even if they are just sitting watching Netflix or just grabbing a coffee somewhere.
> ...


I was listening to a lecture about how affair love is deceptive and that its always amplified feel good emotions even like a kiss can feel like an outerbody experience. The sensations and emotions ive felt past few years arent normal because they are coming from an abnormal scenario of secrecy, deception, excitement. 

Im not denying the fact that i dont love this OW but love doesn't solve everything i know. I'm bound to feel immense pain from withdrawl. This ow just made me feel like a male supermodel, she loved everything about me and im pretty average guy. 

Thanks for words of encouragement. Talking about it really helping me each day.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Redcurry said:


> I was listening to a lecture about how affair love is deceptive and that its always amplified feel good emotions even like a kiss can feel like an outerbody experience. The sensations and emotions ive felt past few years arent normal because they are coming from an abnormal scenario of secrecy, deception, excitement.
> 
> Im not denying the fact that i dont love this OW but love doesn't solve everything i know. I'm bound to feel immense pain from withdrawl. This ow just made me feel like a male supermodel, she loved everything about me and im pretty average guy.
> 
> Thanks for words of encouragement. Talking about it really helping me each day.


I have to say you're way ahead of me. I was always too thick headed to listen. Multiple therapists etc. etc. I always thought I had it all figured out. Honestly it doesn't matter what people tell you, even counselors. You have to want to change to make it happen. I really only have one piece of advice for you. I now you fill steady now. But block her on everything, and I mean everything. Also avoid places where you hang out if she knows. I say this because even though you are gaining confidence, the pull can be very strong. All it takes is a text, and heaven forbid if you actually see her. Its a wrap. Its easy to sit here and say none of its real, but if she is standing in front of you crying because she misses you, it will be very hard to walk away from that.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

It is an enormous step to start thinking about this in a rational way. It is not easy and as much as despise the act of cheating I can see how easy it is to fall into. I think all of us at one time or other have sailed close to the wind.

However...
You still think you are in love with your Affair Partner. This is normal but I want to ask you to think about something.

If you had met this woman and you were single would you still feel the same intensity. Would you want to share your life with her. 

I almost heard you say YES! There though the Interwebs..

Right..

Imagine your marriage as a boat at sea . A long way out on calm waters

Over the years you and your wife built it, reinforced it, painted it and installed new scatter cushions. It is functional, but it looks tired, worn out and a bit neglected from the years spent in it.

You looked overboard one day and a small red speedboat pulled up alongside. It is beautiful, it goes like the wind and it makes you feel alive. Everything you ever wanted your boat to be!

You spend more and more time swishing about in your new boat, the old boat gets more and more neglected the more time you spend but hey.. As long as it floats it is fine to tie the boat up to.
So you carry on. For four years. 

What you forgot though is that there is someone else on the boat . They have never seen this speedboat, let alone taken a spin. They have been trying to patch and mend the boat all on their own. It is looking shabby, they are looking tired and worn out. They haven't got time to do anything else.

So one day .. Soon you tie the speedboat up and step out . Your wife. She sees this. She sees all the fun you have been having. She feels the betrayal.. She turns. Scuppers the boat and leaves. in the only life raft

You. You have a small red boat in the middle of the ocean. Nothing. All at sea.

That is the reality of your love.. It depends entirely on the unaware work of others. Your love.. Is false. 

Affairs are by definition parasitic. They only work because you are already in a real relationship.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

I was going to say that you are not addicted to OW but to the high of an affair. You beat me to it. 

Your problem starts with addiction. For addicts--be it alcohol, drugs, gambling--all other things are unexciting, unappealing, non-stimulating. It is all about the thrill offered by that which is addicting. So in comparison to the high of an affair your wife amounts to hill of beans.

So you must treat the addiction before you can fix your marriage. You need to find therapy that deals with this kind of addiction. Anything else will fall short.


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## Redcurry (Mar 3, 2018)

inging said:


> It is an enormous step to start thinking about this in a rational way. It is not easy and as much as despise the act of cheating I can see how easy it is to fall into. I think all of us at one time or other have sailed close to the wind.
> 
> However...
> You still think you are in love with your Affair Partner. This is normal but I want to ask you to think about something.
> ...


My god i read that with tears streaming down my face. That analogy just made so much sense.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The first thing you need to do is google serial cheaters. 

For the life of me I don’t know why folks are suggesting you do anything to prolong the misery of your family. Get out. See an attorney. If there is any decency at all left in you be as generous as possible with your family and take care of them from afar. As afar as you can make it. 

You girlfriend actually deserves you. She is trying to steal a father and husband. Give her the prize.......you. Getting together with a serial cheater is risky. Marriages conceived in adultery have a three percent chance of lasting long term. Does she know this is your second affair or are hiding things from her too?

You can go the suggested therapy route but from what I have read it won’t work. Look at randomdude. You are hardwired to cheat. That’s almost impossible to change.

Tell your wife. If you ever really loved her, admit to her you are not who you thought you were. You at least owe her that. Now there may be a case for withholding the cheating part IDK. I think you should at least tell her you are so severely broken there is just no hope for you being a husband and grant her everything she wants in a divorce. You are the one that led her down this path and then left her on her own. 

Think of it this way. She would probably have your back no matter who came at you maybe even risk her life for yours. Not only do you not have her back, you’re the one sticking a knife in it.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

It is also pretty normal affair behaviour to go though a period of guilt about actions and then compartmentalise them and carry on exactly as you did before.

Action is required if you are going to be have some integrity in your life. That is a decision you will make in your own time. Unless your wife finds out and then... Glug.. Glug.. Glug..


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> The first thing you need to do is google serial cheaters.
> 
> For the life of me I don’t know why folks are suggesting you do anything to prolong the misery of your family. Get out. See an attorney. If there is any decency at all left in you be as generous as possible with your family and take care of them from afar. As afar as you can make it.
> 
> ...


Hey Chap - I think whether he decides to put effort into the marriage or not, the first step is to end the affair and go no contact with this OW, for his own clarity. End the affair because that's NOT the way to start a long term relationship. Redcurry is not yet able to think clearly about this other woman. The only way to do that is to cut her out of his life ASAP. Then, he can work on himself for awhile. 

At that point, with this woman gone, like truly gone, he can clear his head and determine whether he wants to make another go at his marriage or divorce and put his wife out of her misery.

Oddly, unlike most my fellow TAM who were betrayed, I don't think full confession is always the best way to go. Sometimes it is and sometimes it's not. In this case, I think confession would do more for Redcurry than it would for his wife. His wife probably already knows, or at least deeply suspects their is an affair going on. I mean, how could she not suspect/know this after all this time, etc? 

Dude, just end the affair COMPLETELY. That's the first step. Get yourself right. Then, decide, whether you are going to go full steam ahead with your marriage with full effort, or file for divorce. Don't hesitate. Do one or the other.


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