# think husband wants divorce



## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

It's a second marriage for both of us, he has a 15 yr old daughter and i have a 14 year old son. I am a recovering alcoholic that put him thru hell for years, I have been sober for some time now. That combined with the fact that I feel like we are two separate families and never managed to mesh the "blended" family thing and it seems like no matter what I try his daughter wants nothing to do with me. I've asked her repeatedly if I did something (while I was a drunk) to upset or hurt her she says no. She only talks to me when she has to and it looks like it pains her. My husband and I had a huge fight a month ago he thought my son was being disrespectful and I did nothing about it. My son had a major panic attack in the mall, he thought my husband was mad at him because my husband was in a miserable mood. I tried to explain where my son was coming from and he said if thats how I feel we need to separate. I felt like I had to choose and said ok call a lawyer. I truly dont want a divorce, my husband and I have shared many good times. We have been at this point before, reconcile, say things will be different but never do anything to ensure that. Now I've actually done some work and research to figure out how we can communicate and get a better perspective of the others view. Its been a month. I'm still sleeping on the couch, we barely talk, he wont go to counseling or give me an answer about a separation or divorce. I dont want to move out, fearing he will say ok lets divorce she moved out. I dont have many more days of uncomfortable sad silence in me. As much as I dont want to split at least I could begin to heal, this is like being stuck in a stagnent limbo


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Stop sleeping on the couch. Move back to the bedroom. Don't use moving back to the bed as a reason to push for intimacy or conversation. Just move back and let your husband set the pace.

Some men really don't like to talk. Rather than hashing through an issue and feeling closer as a result of the conversation, they feel pressured and find the person who is looking for validation/ conversation as being needy. Given that you feel that your husband stuck with you while your drinking was out of control, try not to push too hard now. Instead, if you stick to being healthy, caring, open but not clingy he will probably start to believe you. 

I don't have a step-child and I do not necessarily have a lot of advice for you. But, there are multiple threads about blended families, and the general message is that blending families is exceptionally hard. I'd try treating your step daughter in the same way that you would treat a coworker for several months. Be friendly but not intrusive, don't give unsolicited advice, celebrate successes, and be firm when you need something done.

I hope things improve for you soon.


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

I've been reading step mom magazines. I'll try the sleeping in bed, I'm terrified he'll just move to the couch, cant handle much more rejection. I feel like our problems are small but the way we deal with them is so epically wrong, I believe we could try but I cant tell where he is with either trying or divorcing. We have been at this point so many times, I fear he's exhausted with the whole thing. I do give him space, I dont talk about where we are at, I'm tired of talking about it as well. Keeping my chin up, thanks for responding


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

i have been a step father for 14 yrs, my separated wife has been a stepmom to my prev 3, we did this when the kids were very young so they grew up calling us both mom & dad, we decided to have a child together 6 yrs ago to tie it all together, been separated 5 mos & are currently working on things, not back together but spending time together & talking on the phone, in couples counseling now, my separation was extreme(you'd have to read my blog to understand) my 2 oldest daughters absolutely hate her now which breaks her heart & mine, if things work for us i'm hoping they'll learn forgiveness, i would find out what his daughter likes, maybe music & take her to a concert or something like that, watch the movie step mom with julia roberts & susan sarrondon, it is a good movie & deals with what your going through with step kids, hope this helps


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

15 year old girls are difficult generally with a book titled, 
Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall. Continue trying with your daughter, and try to see if there are many mutual interests or things you can help. I'd probably try to get some new clothes, and try to reawaken your sex life. 

As a step-parent of two, married for 25 years, it can be hard but worth it in the end.


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

our vision shattered said:


> i have been a step father for 14 yrs, my separated wife has been a stepmom to my prev 3, we did this when the kids were very young so they grew up calling us both n was extreme(you'd have to read my blog to her to a
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

our vision shattered said:


> i have been a step father for 14 yrs, my separated wife has been a stepmom to my prev 3, we did this when the kids were very young so they grew up calling us both mom & dad, we decided to have a child together 6 yrs ago to tie it all together, been separated 5 mos & are currently working on things, not back together but spending time together & talking on the phone, in couples counseling now, my separation was extreme(you'd have to read my blog to understand) my 2 oldest daughters absolutely hate her now which breaks her heart & mine, if things work for us i'm hoping they'll learn forgiveness, i would find out what his daughter likes, maybe music & take her to a concert or something like that, watch the movie step mom with julia roberts & susan sarrondon, it is a good movie & deals with what your going through with step kids, hope this helps


I hope things continue to go well for you. Slow progress is still progress. My husband says its too much water under the bridge and he doesn't know what he wants. Everyday is a fight to function we own a business together so there isn't even an 8 hour break its just constantly looking at what's messed up. I did see that movie maybe I could get her to watch it for a girls night or something. I like my husbands daughter It just seems like everything I ask her to do with me, stuff she likes its always no, then my husband accuses me of not wanting anything to do with her. It's a rock and a hard place I'll keep trying. U are in my thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> 15 year old girls are difficult generally with a book titled,
> Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall. Continue trying with your daughter, and try to see if there are many mutual interests or things you can help. I'd probably try to get some new clothes, and try to reawaken your sex life.
> 
> As a step-parent of two, married for 25 years, it can be hard but worth it in the end.


I love that title, I'll give it a shot I have a whole list of books to get. Did u go thru something similar in the past?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> 15 year old girls are difficult generally with a book titled,
> Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall. Continue trying with your daughter, and try to see if there are many mutual interests or things you can help. I'd probably try to get some new clothes, and try to reawaken your sex life.
> 
> We have no sex life. I tried to sleep in bed last night, just sleep and he told me he was going to couch. I can't handle much more rejection its bad enough we are like distant roommates its like adding salt to the wound. I do dress up everyday nice outfit, hair, my marriage may be Crap but I that doesn't mean I have to look like it. Thanks for advice I'm gonna continue to fight for my family
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

Jemm said:


> I hope things continue to go well for you. Slow progress is still progress. My husband says its too much water under the bridge and he doesn't know what he wants. Everyday is a fight to function we own a business together so there isn't even an 8 hour break its just constantly looking at what's messed up. I did see that movie maybe I could get her to watch it for a girls night or something. I like my husbands daughter It just seems like everything I ask her to do with me, stuff she likes its always no, then my husband accuses me of not wanting anything to do with her. It's a rock and a hard place I'll keep trying. U are in my thoughts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you, you also are in my thoughts


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

My husband went to a counselor by himself today, to figure out his thoughts and how he wants to proceed, separation, counseling, divorce? We own a business so we dont talk about this stuff at work. Pretty sure he didnt get his head straight after an hour with a counselor, I'm freaking out inside. Wanting to know his thoughts, we've been in the "unknown" for a month. I know I shouldnt push him but this is crazy. I dont want anything to work on our marriage, but if he has other thoughts I'd sure like to know what they are so I can do what I need to do for my son and I. I want so badly to find my own place just so I can have some peace, terrified if I do he'll see it negatively. Obviously no realy question here just needing to vent.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

A month isn't all that long to be in limbo, and at least your H is going to counseling. 

If you haven't already read the rules for doing the 180.

I recommend you read The Divorce Remedy (Michele Weiner Davis). AFAIK you can't get an ebook, so you'll have to order a hard copy (and then do not let your H see you reading it), but it really is the best book for how to get through limbo if you are committed to reconciliation.

If your husband is willing to work on relationship, you might try reading His Needs, Her Needs, or at least taking the tests on line to see if there are areas where you could each meet one another's needs better. 

Finally -- just keep posting here. It'll give you a place to vent your frustration and say all the things you wish you could say to your H but that you can't.


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

Couleur said:


> A month isn't all that long to be in limbo, and at least your H is going to counseling.
> 
> If you haven't already read the rules for doing the 180.
> 
> ...


Thanks I've been looking for the 180 rules but I can't find them, I tried a link on this site but it didn't work got any suggestions where I can find it. Hardest part is not knowing do I make small talk am I annoying him with it, etc etc I feel like putting on a happy face and giving him his space is ignoring the elephant. Thanks for any info anybody can give me on finding the 180
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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

Can anyone recommend 
which is better divorce busting or
Divorce remedy? Anyone know
The difference?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GridGal (Jul 3, 2012)

I'm sorry you guys are struggling so much right now, Jemm. Communication and dealing with conflict is HARD, and the pressures you have as a blended family - with teens! - are no doubt tapping both of your reserves. You might also look into a book called Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage by Rosberg. It talks a lot about each person's way of dealing with conflict so you can understand not only how to work through it better together, but also how you each perceive and process it. 

I'm glad your dh is going to counseling. Hopefully it's a good one that can give him tools and encourage him to keep working. Do you have anyone you can talk to? If not, I know from my experience with Focus that there's a counseling line you can call for free there - 855-771-4357. I talked to them myself when we were strugging a few years ago, and it was really helpful. 

I'm praying for you guys!


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Jemm said:


> Can anyone recommend
> which is better divorce busting or
> Divorce remedy? Anyone know
> The difference?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think Divorce Remedy is better. M W-D wrote it later than Divorce Busting, so she gives you the highlights of the first book, but Remedy is more of a manual with specific steps and strategies to use to address problems like a midlife crisis, surviving an affair, walk away spouse syndrome, etc. 

A lot of people on this site will swear by Divorce Busting, but if you are strapping in for a long fight to save your marriage and you need a book that will make you feel that you can affect the outcome without coming across as nagging and without relying on MC (not that MC is bad), Remedy is really helpful. 

I also do suggest reading His Needs, Her Needs because it made me rethink some assumptions that I had about what my H and I want in a relationship. There's a version of HNHN for parents but I haven't read it.


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

Thanks last night I ordered Divorce Remedy, hope it gets here soon. My husband ordered CoDependant No More. It makes me happy he is seeking help to heal himself, I do love him and want him to be Happy even if it means divorce. As a recovering alcoholic I cant expect him to forgive, I can only own my past and learn from it. Guess my biggest fear is I've learned way too late. Would truly seem like such a waste to realize what you had after you threw it away. He hasnt talked to me about his counseling session and I wont push. Thanks for your prayers


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