# Help! Wife Won't Communicate With Me



## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

Hi Everybody,
I am hoping this is the right area to post this. If not I apologize. I have made some dire mistakes in my marriage. I have communicated with 2 different women (one was an EXGF) online in explicit, intimate conversations for the past few years. 

My wife and I were becoming distant this summer due to stress at work. At the beginning of August she took my computer and searched through it and found some old emails that had been written. She assumed and questioned me about having an actual physical affair. I did not have a physical affair and I explained this to her. She didn't believe me. She left and moved in with her sister – who has since sworn me off as well. 

That night I received a call from her father and threatening me with lawsuits, divorces, etc. I tried to explain to him how sorry I was about what had happened but he wanted no part of it. He was taking over the “investigation” and he was going to call his lawyer – who he had been to court with (and won with) 30 times - to get to the bottom of this.

He and my wife showed up at our house the next day, to collect some of her belongings, with a police officer (at my father in law’s request – and to the embarrassment of my wife) so there wouldn’t be any “trouble.” A few days later he told me that HE had decided that HE was going through with divorce proceedings. 

The next day I received a call from her that was a mixture of anger and emotion. She yelled at me and also told me how much she loved me and missed me. At that point I had emailed the other women and explained to them that it was wrong for me to talk to them and that it had cost me my marriage and that I did not want to hear from them again. For the next week or so there were some emails going back and forth from my wife and I. She would question me about certain things and I would respond truthfully. I was feeling okay in that I felt like she was going through her healing process.

Things were quiet for about a week and then I received a call from the husband of one of the women. We talked for some time. He was very rational and he told me that his wife confessed to the online activity and that he forgave me for what had happened. He informed me that his wife had done this before only she had actually had a physical affair with another man. I was truly sorry for what had happened to him and I let him know that I respected the fact that he wanted to make things work with his wife. 

A few days later he contacted my wife via email as part of his healing process. After their conversation, my wife absolutely lost it. She called me to scream at me and tell me she hated me and not to contact her or anyone in her family. Since then I have received a couple of emails from her with questions but it’s been silent for 2 months.

About a month ago I was served divorce papers which had been filed around a week after everything had happened. Before everything happened, we had already scheduled an appointment with a marriage counselor. I ended up going to the appointment and have gone – by myself – every week since. I went to confession and have been going to church every week as well. I have been praying every day since she left and I am hoping that we can reconcile.

My problem is that there is no communication at all. I have written her a few letters, apologizing for my actions and telling her that I am committed to finding out why I did the things that I did so that I can correct those mistakes. I haven’t received any response from her at all. I don’t know what else to do. Any suggestions? I miss her terribly and I don’t know what to do…Again, I apologize if this is not the right place to post my situation....


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## lj_tab (Oct 16, 2008)

I really wish I could suggest something to you to make things better. 

I was on the same end as your wife in the very same situation, so I'm sure I can say I legitimately know how it feels. To be honest, it would have been easier for me if my boyfriend had a short, purely physical affair- but to have talked to women online over the span of years really is another matter entirely, because there is so much emotional attachment.

I don't know you, or her, really, but in my head, I think she must still love you, and that's why she's distancing herself. The things she must have felt when she found out was absolutely crushing, if the way I felt was any indication. And also as a result, I found myself trying to distance myself from my boyfriend to lessen to the hurt, but BECAUSE I wanted to get over it.

The divorce papers...I'm very sorry about that. In my situation, I had to convince myself that online conversations wasn't worth leaving him - I hope she can see it. Whether or not they actually meant something, I don't know.

Well, I don't know if I've made any sense, and I think I probably haven't. I'm not in a particularly good frame of mind because of my own troubles, but I want things to work out for you, because I think you do realize you did something wrong, but you are so committed to making things right. I hope she will start to see it and join you in the counseling.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

Thx LJ,
As you can see I have been posting on your thread as well!! I think part of the problem in my situation has been the involvement of her family. Right out of the gate her father was talking divorce. Her mother left me a message telling me that she "had hoped she was wrong about me???" My family on the other hand has been nothing but supportive of her. They love her as though she is their own daughter and they miss her terribly. She had a better relationship with them than her own family. I do believe that she still loves me. She is the most loyal and honorable person I have ever met. I used to be that way before I became somebody else. Unfortunately it took this situation for me to realize who I really am so that I could start the long road back. I know that she is still hurting. I can feel it. She's not a person that could just turn her feelings off. In my siuation, I wasn't involved online because I didn't love my wife. I even spoke positively about her. For me it was more of an escape from the stresses of everyday life.


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## lj_tab (Oct 16, 2008)

devastatedRH said:


> In my siuation, I wasn't involved online because I didn't love my wife. I even spoke positively about her. For me it was more of an escape from the stresses of everyday life.


That's exactly what my boyfriend told me. And in my head, I can accept it as true. However, every other part of me wants to know why I myself couldn't be that escape, and why wasn't I enough, or if I was part of his everyday stress. 

As for family... definitely it makes a difference. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I bottle my emotions, so I didn't tell anyone anything, except on this forum. I also knew my family would react very poorly to the news, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it, because they probably wouldn't have let him live.

I wonder if there's any way of getting her away from the influence her family's opinion for a short while, even if it's just for something like a coffee. I know personally that bad feelings can fester when you're not face to face, but it becomes a lot easier to let it out and get straight to the issues and try to bang them out in person.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

don't take it too personal about not being "the escape." You might have been unfairly grouped into "reality" even if you weren't a cause of stress for him. I know if I had been better at compartmentalizing my stresses I would have been much better off. I distanced myself from my wife because of some financial worries I had (she has some health issues and i didn't want to burden her with any stress) and she took that as a sign of an affair or something like that. my online activity and my distance were two separate things. At the point this was going on I wasn't speaking ot these girls frequently. She told a family member of mine that "I hope that time will heal everything - I really do." I don't really know what that means though. At some point I would think she will want to talk and get answers / closure but who knows. Everything I read says to back off but I wonder if I didn't fight enough for her....


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

devastatedRH said:


> My problem is that there is no communication at all. I have written her a few letters, apologizing for my actions and telling her that I am committed to finding out why I did the things that I did so that I can correct those mistakes. I haven’t received any response from her at all. I don’t know what else to do. Any suggestions? I miss her terribly and I don’t know what to do…Again, I apologize if this is not the right place to post my situation....


Do you think she got the letters? May be the family blocked them. Being that they are so involved right now, it is possible.

Do you know her schedule? Maybe you could try to talk with her after she gets off work, or after a gym class, etc. The point is to meet with her where her family cannot interfere. (I hope this won't seem like "stalker move", but it is worth a try.) Good luck.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

I believe she got the letters and cards and emails. I know it's been three months but I think it still hurts her as though it just happened. I know it does for me. She works for her father at his home office so that's not going to work. She doesn't do much other than that. Her whole family (to the best of my knowledge) turned on me and her friends too. The next time I'll get to see her is at our hearing.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

DevastatedRH,

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can't believe I am saying this. I too am like your wife. My husband had an EA (emotional affair) and I question if that is all there was to it. Anyway, I wish you all the luck and best wishes>


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind words. I too am sorry for what you are going through as I can't stop thinking about the hurt and shock that I have brought my wife. There is nothing I wouldn't do to take that away. I am so distraught over her family's involvement. Not one of them wanted us to work this out at all. IMMEDIATELY they started using the D word. 

Can I ask, why do you think there was more to your situation?


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

i don't know why loveandmarriage thought there was more but i can tell you why i feel that way at times too. it's because he broke the trust in our relationship. it makes you second guess a lot of aspects in my marriage after the phone calls & texts were discovered. it's super hard for me to believe that a man & woman can actually just "talk!" especially when such great lengths were taken to hide everything! in my mind i hear "what are you stupid? do you actually believe & trust him that nothing else happened?" I feel like if i had to tell anyone else the whole story & i said nothing else happened, they would give me that "are you serious?" look. it's so hard to rationalize after something like this happens to you. 

my question to you would be "why did you do what you did knowing that it would absolutely kill your wife & your marriage?" this is what i have a hard time understanding on my end. i just don't get why you would want to potentially risk everything. was it a thrill? did you really think she wouldn't find out? did you think of the significant other of the other woman? these are tough questions, but I can guarantee that your wife is asking them!

good luck!


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

Thx for responding butterfly. First I have to tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this. I hope that God will intervene in your situation and make things right. Whenever I read another person's situation I relive the pain that I am feeling for hurting my wife. I've been meeting with my counselor to get to the root of why I did what I did. I believe that it was an escape from reality, from the stresses of my everyday life. I wasn't doing it with the intention of hurting my wife so unfortunately I wasn't taking her thoughts into consideration. I didn't think about the significant others because I never thought that it would become more than what it was. I know these probably aren't the answers that you want to hear but I appreciate you asking them. I have not been able to speak to my wife to answer any of her questions. I can assure you, given the chance I would answer everything truthfully. I would do anything to fix what I have done. What is your H doing to correct things? What is making you give him a second chance?


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

i suppose my biggest reason for giving him another chance is that we have 4 children. i feel that i owe it to my children to do absolutely everything to make it work. i can honestly say that if we did not have children, i don't think my 2nd chance would be extended. i'm a very loyal & true person. that's why it is so hard to understand it. also, everyone's situation is so different! therefore, i don't know how to tell you to fix your situation. i will suggest to you that no matter what happens, don't play games & just be honest! be who you are & not what anyone else wants you to be! i wish you the best & hope that your wife gives you the opportunity to talk!

actually, i just posted my last post in my thread (how do you let it go?). i have reached a very low point & feel it is time to do some soul searching without hearing any other voices telling me what might work. this forum can be very, very helpful & encouraging! so keep posting! i just wanted to let you know that i will no longer be posting or check other threads. i feel the same as you said that everytime i read someone else's story, i relive my own. i can't do that anymore. it's time for me to close this chapter of my life & move on!


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

Thx Blue. I hope for the best in your sitch. I just said a prayer for you. I know that regardless of the terrible mistakes that I have made that I am a good person. I also know that I truly love my wife regardless of what her or her family thinks. We have had our ups and downs but there is nothing that I wouldn't have done for her.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

devastatedRH said:


> Thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind words. I too am sorry for what you are going through as I can't stop thinking about the hurt and shock that I have brought my wife. There is nothing I wouldn't do to take that away. I am so distraught over her family's involvement. Not one of them wanted us to work this out at all. IMMEDIATELY they started using the D word.
> 
> Can I ask, why do you think there was more to your situation?


Sorry I did not answer your question sooner. I had to take my 19 month old to the ER last night.

Anyway to answer your question in a brief version, my husband and a married customer of his were calling each other 9+/day. Each call lasted any where from 15-65 minutes. They were also texting each other numerous times a day. When I found out about all of this, I demanded that my husband stop all contact with her. He said he would, BUT when I checked his e-mail the next day he e-mailed her that they had to stop calling each other so much because I think something is going on. *HOWEVER*, they could still e-mail each other because my wife does not check this. To me that is a slap in the face and if he is willing to lie to me and keep this going behind my back, then there may be more to this than he is telling me.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

I'm sorry. That's lousy. It is a slap in the face. If he truly wants to make this work then he has to cut ties cold turkey. Did you questions him about the email?


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

Yes and he said he would not have contact with her because he promised that he would do whatever was necessary for me to get pass this.

This evening we went to dinner with the kids and I asked him has he ever been betrayed or cheated on by anyone that he really cared about. He told me no. I told him that I think that is why he does not see the severity of his actions. I asked him this because he wanted to put a picture of a group of customers that included the one he had the EA with on his website. I told him I don't feel comfortable with him doing that because it would be a constant reminder of his actions. I could tell he was thinking what is the big deal and that is why I asked him if he has ever been cheated on or betrayed by someone he really cared about.

I think my husband will never truly "get it" because he is not an emotional person. And because of this, I sometimes wonder if he truly cares about me or if it is out of obligation. You see he does not connect with me on that level and I am an emotional person. I love showing how much I care and for my husband it is harder for him to do.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

I feel so bad for you. Have you guys considered counseling?


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

I don't think he would go. When we were engaged, I suggested that we go to pre-marriage counseling and he rejected. I tried to talk him into it, but he refused.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

My wife had asked me to go and after months and months of me saying no. I finally agreed. We had an appointment scheduled for a tuesday. The counselor called and asked if he could reschedule to the following thursday. We said yes. The sunday before we were going to go she found my emails and left....We never got to go together. I go and meet with the counselor every week which has helped me in fixing me. I hope and pray that at some point she will be willing to go with me. It's amazing how we always find the desire to do things when it's too late.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

I sometimes think that is what is going to happen to us. I feel that one of us is going to get frustrated at the way our marriage is (i.e. the lack of intimacy) and one day one of us will leave. And no counseling will work because it will be too late.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

You have to believe that it's never too late. The only thing that isn't fixable is death. We can remedy any other situation in our lives. If something is worth fighting for then it can be fixed.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

Sometimes I think it is just a matter of time that one of us gets tired. Me tired of trying to have a deeper relationship with my husband. Or my husband tired of me nagging him about getting a deeper connection.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

You both need to do some soul searching and decide if this relationship is worth fighting for. I believe everybody deserves a second chance.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

A couple of things I was wondering about. 

1. My friend's wife spoke to my wife the other day. She told my friend's wife that she is still so hurt and that she doesn't know what to believe.

2. We have our first hearing this week. We haven't spoken in a 2 months. If I get the chance to talk to her, what should I say???


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

I always think honesty is the best policy. It is probably best not to focus on the past, but focus on saving the marriage and future with her. Let her know how you feel about her and the marriage. Be positive when expressing yourself. Tell her you are 100% dedicated to making it work and if it takes a lifetime, then you are willing to work that long to regain her trust. (I think it is best to tell her how you feel first because she may not trust you right now to be vulnerable about her feelings first.) Then ask her what she feels and if she wants to save the marriage. You may want to ask her what she needs in order for her to trust you again. Make sure to listen and please don't be defensive or negative. Just really listen to her humbly and let her know that if that is what she needs then you will do whatever it takes.

Good luck. I hope all the best for you and your wife. Please keep us updated.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

I am committed to doing whatever work is necessary to fix this. I don't know if she'll give me the chance though. I feel like we should sit down to talk about all of this stuff. I don't feel like the hallway of a courthouse is the best place to let out our feelings and emotions. Then again what do I know. My next door neighbor told me tonight that she heard from her about 3 - 4 weeks ago. I asked what she said and she didn't want to tell me. She just told me that it didn't sound promising. That was deflating.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

devastatedRH said:


> I am committed to doing whatever work is necessary to fix this. I don't know if she'll give me the chance though. I feel like we should sit down to talk about all of this stuff. I don't feel like the hallway of a courthouse is the best place to let out our feelings and emotions.


:iagree: Maybe you can suggest going somewhere to talk after. Even if it is after, it is still worth a try. 

You could tell the judge that you have not been able to talk with her before the court date and request that you can do so before anything is final.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

I am willing to try anything. I have a feeling that this will be very emotional for her tomorrow - but I don't know. She has done an amazing job (at least from what I see) of detaching. I am amazed that she has gone this long with no contact. That's not to say that she isn't sitting home crying every night like I am.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

I'm really freaking out today about my hearing tomorrow. I know that nothing is over and that there is still a grreat deal of time but I can't help but feel discouraged.....


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

devastatedRH said:


> You have to believe that it's never too late. The only thing that isn't fixable is death. We can remedy any other situation in our lives. If something is worth fighting for then it can be fixed.


that's the spirit. FIGHT LIKE HELL to keep it together. don't forget the love!!!


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

DevastatedRH,

Keep your head up. I know right now is very hard. I am hoping for all the best for you and your wife tomorrow. 

I can't remember if you have kids. If so, how are they doing?


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

Thx Voivod! Now why am I feeling so defeated????


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

devastatedRH said:


> Thx Voivod! Now why am I feeling so defeated????


because your thinking is screwing with your head. where is your marriage at today? humor me, has anything changed since your post?

trust me, there is a technique that you are going to use to get you through this and it's all about your self-esteem. you checked yours at the door when this began. so i ask you...

what has changed since your original post?


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

Today was terrible. My wife didn't speak to me. She barely even looked at me. She is still VERY hurt and upset. She saw my mother and immediately broke down crying and gave her a big hug and a kiss. Her father and sister were there to "protect" her. We heave no kids. Her lawyer used my letters that I wrote her against me in court....That hurt.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

Hi Voivod, To answer your question - Nothing. Nothing has changed in my marriage since my first post I am still in Purgatory. With that being said, a lot has changed with me. I am regularly meeting with my counselor and go to church weekly. I pray every day and have a better understanding of forgiveness, humility and compassion. I have complete and total remorse for what I have done.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

i'll let you answer your own question:

"Now why am I feeling so defeated????"

now read what you wrote:



devastatedRH said:


> She saw my mother and immediately broke down crying and gave her a big hug and a kiss. Her father and sister were there to "protect" her. We heave no kids. Her lawyer used my letters that I wrote her against me in court....That hurt.


get your mother and her father the hell OUT of this. did either of them take your vows??? NO! get them out of this! NOW.

NOW...your emotions are going to f-ing tear you up. you'll take blame, you'll assign blame, you won't be able to stop "stinkin' thinkin'." 

UNLESS....

you "put a lie" to whatever destructive though you are carrying around in your head. in your next post, please tell me what has you down at that very moment, okay? we're gonna kill this snake once and for all and boost your self-esteem.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

Right now you can't beat yourself up over this. It is time to start getting your life back. She is hurt and you are hurt. I hate to say it, but it seems that she wants a divorce. Thank goodness you do not have to worry about children. All you have to focus on now is *YOU*! You have to grow from this. *What have you learned?* Who knows. All this might be a blessing in disguise.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

DevastatedRH,

I thought about you today. I even logged on this afternoon and saw you were not online yet, so I figured you were still in court. Therefore I logged on just now to see what you had to say about what happened today. 

I am sorry things did not go well today, but that is ok. It is time to learn from all of this so you can be a better person. Who knows what the future holds.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

I feel defeated because I had hoped that there would have been some progress when we saw each other yesterday. Also, I feel bad for her becasue she has an unrealistic expectation of what she deserves due to the influences she is getting from her family. I don't want to see her get hurt.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

Thx L&M, See my post above about what I have learned.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

L&M,
You're right. Who knows what the future holds. We'll have to see I guess. I am trying to have different perspective on everything.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

devastatedRH said:


> I feel defeated because I had hoped that there would have been some progress when we saw each other yesterday. Also, I feel bad for her becasue she has an unrealistic expectation of what she deserves due to the influences she is getting from her family. I don't want to see her get hurt.


i saw the word "court." were these divorce proceedings?

there still is a chance. i used the churchill quote a lot, but NEVER NEVER NEVER give up. the percentage is relatively high of couples that end up back together after going through that.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

devastatedRH said:


> I feel defeated because I had hoped that there would have been some progress when we saw each other yesterday. Also, I feel bad for her becasue she has an unrealistic expectation of what she deserves due to the influences she is getting from her family. I don't want to see her get hurt.


:iagree: I think she is letting her family be TOO involved in what is going on with you and her.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

This was the initial court date to put temporary orders in effect. Our pre-trial date is 4/7/09. There is still time. She is still enraged and hurt though.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

I agree L&M. They are 110% involved. They know all of our dirty laundry. They even were quoted by her attorney during the hearing yesterday.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

I am starting to have serious doubts that she will come back....


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

Why do u say that?


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

I don't know. I just have that feeling. When I saw the look in her eyes at court last week it really felt like it was over. i truly hope that I am wrong...


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

Have you heard from her, or about her from friends? If so, how is she doing?


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

I have not heard from her or about her. The only thing I know is that she is still upset and hurt based on the way she looked at our hearing laast week.


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## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

so I just found out from my attorney that the judge has ordered me to pay $900 a month in alimony.


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