# Is it sad?



## Shoeguy

So I was talking with a close friend last night about how I've been doing and how things are going for me. I told him so far so good. Things are starting to turn around and I'm actually feeling pretty good these days.

He asked, "Do I talk my Ex?" I said no, nothing other than when she wants money and topics about the kids. He said, that was sad. That after 18 years of marriage in less then 18 months you don't talk anymore.

I tried to explain that we have both taken different paths and as long as the kids were ok then we didn't have anything to talk about. She made the dicision to walk through life without me from her on out so I have no desire to get status updates or details about her journey.

So I'm wondering if that is what other people think. Is it sad that you can spend 18 yrs married and over 20 years together and then not talk about every day tasks/porblems/experiences?

My take right now is no. I don't currently have any desires to know what she is up too. That may change and I do have a hole in my soul/being because of the divorce but I've been working really hard to heal that since Feb '11. 

Shoeguy


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## StatusQuo

I don't think it's sad, I think it's a part of healing. You have separate lives now, and it wouldn't be healthy for you to be caught up in the everyday nuances of her life now. Her day to day activities aren't your concern any longer, and involving yourself in them would only prolong the detachment process. 

^^Easy for me to say having never been in your situation... but it seems logical, right?


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## Shoeguy

SQ,

Yep I'm of the same mindset as you. It is just tough when talking to a freind that has been married over 20 years. Both of us remained friends with him and his wife and jsut do see them at the same time.

Glad to see u stuck around SQ. Looks like you are a posting fiend. You must spend time on another board so I don't see your posts much. Hope all is well and you are getting better.

Warm regards,

Shoeguy


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## Intruder

My contact is just about the kids, and has been since 2010.....

I have the same hole in the my soul, always will....but there is no way I'll ever let myself care about anything in her daily life ever again.

What do I want to hear.....how her beach vacation with her boyfriend went? Meanwhile I am struggling with where I am going to get money to just live a basic life...

My personal opinion.....I was fired. Let her discuss life with all her single friends now.

When my life was rocked, she never once tried to talk to me.....I just kept hearing how she deserves to be happy, the kids will be OK, I don't love you and probably never did....blah, blah, blah.....

I'll wait for the day when I meet someone great, that actually cares about my feelings, and if it never happens.....well, I'll be OK with that also.


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## StatusQuo

Yeah, I'm kinda addicted to TAM... 

I had a temporary loss of sanity, and deleted my original thread. So I had to start anew... StatusQuo's status quo...

Alas, I'm still here though!  I spend FAR too much time in "The Social Spot". 

Things are going okay, taking them day-by-day for now. 

Good to see you around!!


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## papa5280

We still talk about the kids and see each other at soccer, but other than that, I couldn't care less what she's doing. The person that I am now has no interest in what the person she is now thinks about anything.

The song title that sums it up is "Just somebody that I used to know."

The only times that's not true is when something happens that I want to share with someone, and I realize that she's the only one with the context to understand it...something that reminds me of my deceased dad, or something like that. Basically, the inside jokes of my life. But, that makes me wistful for not having that confidant who would understand, not sad for not having her in particular.


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## southbound

Shoeguy said:


> So I was talking with a close friend last night about how I've been doing and how things are going for me. I told him so far so good. Things are starting to turn around and I'm actually feeling pretty good these days.
> 
> He asked, "Do I talk my Ex?" I said no, nothing other than when she wants money and topics about the kids. He said, that was sad. That after 18 years of marriage in less then 18 months you don't talk anymore.
> 
> I tried to explain that we have both taken different paths and as long as the kids were ok then we didn't have anything to talk about. She made the dicision to walk through life without me from her on out so I have no desire to get status updates or details about her journey.
> 
> So I'm wondering if that is what other people think. Is it sad that you can spend 18 yrs married and over 20 years together and then not talk about every day tasks/porblems/experiences?
> 
> My take right now is no. I don't currently have any desires to know what she is up too. That may change and I do have a hole in my soul/being because of the divorce but I've been working really hard to heal that since Feb '11.
> 
> Shoeguy


I don't think it's weird. Like you, i was married 18 years. The "sad" part is that two people who have been married would divorce after 18 years. She wanted the divorce, and there was nothing I can do about it. We talk business about the kids when we have to, but there is no fixing the leaky faucet and chit chat about other stuff. 

Personally, i think the reverse is weird. I don't understand people who talk about a lot of contact with their x. Sometimes the guy still goes over and does chores, etc. What's with that? She wanted the divorce, so she can go suck her thumb and do her own chores. I didn't do anything to constitute a divorce anyway, she was just "unhappy." So, I'll just stay out of the picture and let her bask in her happiness.


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## everafter

yup. Married 25 yrs, divorced 2 months. Spoke minimally in the year plus we were separated. Don't miss him, though once in awhile it would be nice to talk about my day w/ someone who knows the players.


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## stillhoping

It seems to me that it is very sad, but unavoidable. I can still hardly stand to be in the company of the man who left after 28 years. I want to see him, be with him and love him and he does not. He wants us to be friends, be ok hanging around each other but it kills me when he leaves again to go to his own place. I have been letting him be at our home, doing chores, hanging with our son but then I come home, see him and just want to die. Now he tells me he misses his family and me, but he is not sure what he wants. I said too bad, until you know you want me, we can't be together. I do not want to be friends with someone I shared my life with for 30 years. Do I tell him about my dates? Do I share all of my daily pleasures and sadnesses?


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## Shooboomafoo

The "way" the sixteen years with and ten years married, that my ex went about her exit, and then as intruder says, "fired" me, without a word one or a chance one to make that sixteen years work for something. I figure that pretty much sums up the value she holds, so it seems pointless to put much into it from my end. The child however is what makes it worth the time. I just do not want to spend time with her mother. 

She moved a dude in 3 months after I moved out. After living there for more than thirteen years. Some may think I was punishing her by keeping to myself, as she has expressed in the past a desire to keep me in her life, but uhmmm. naw.
Im seeing things just being on my own that I used to deal with that were very dulling to the esteem and self confidence. Ways I was treated, talked to, taken care of. 
Im liking things just the way they are, and I drive past the neighborhood everyday without a glance back.


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## cloudwithleggs

southbound said:


> Personally, i think the reverse is weird. I don't understand people who talk about a lot of contact with their x. Sometimes the guy still goes over and does chores, etc. What's with that? She wanted the divorce, so she can go suck her thumb and do her own chores. I didn't do anything to constitute a divorce anyway, she was just "unhappy." So, I'll just stay out of the picture and let her bask in her happiness.


My ex partner i see every day mostly, we chit-chat laugh and joke and get along very well, he will do things for me if needed, he took me to the hospital and stayed for the birth of both my babies that are my estranged husbands, he has never dated another woman in 11 years that we have been parted, he doesn't have a sex drive this is why i left him, but bless him he is a kind soul.

As for my estranged husband that is narcissistic i would be happy to never see or speak with him ever again, every chance he gets it is to manipulate or insult and i wont be drawn into such behaviour.


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## Shoeguy

I thought there might be a few different views on the subject.

I guess for me not talking to her just makes me feel better. Maybe not better but headache/pain avoidance. Maybe in time I can heal over some of the things said but not right now. I thought about this over the weekend.

I guess what started the silence was when I wanted to talk about what happened to try and get clarity she would take one sentence out of a few paragraphs and just pick me apart. Most of the time it was out of context but man she would just run over me and back up.

After a few of those I just said the heck with it. I don't need that and she never really gave any answers anyway. Now it has been just over a year since those times and I feel like I'm in a lot better place. No need to open those doors and if the subject comes up again among my friends I'll tell them my view and that they should try and get used to it.

A divorce really impacts not only the two involved but the whole circle of freinds. They were there when I needed to talk I guess it is starting to become time for me to be there to help them along.

Take care

Shoeguy


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## ImperfectMomma

I do think it's sad. It's sad that you can marry someone because you love them sooo much and it all turns to so much pain and hurt and anger. I'm filing soon and my heart just hurts that I have been with this man for 18the 1/2 years and it's all over. It is sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo

Maybe if she hadnt have moved the OM into our marital home a couple months after I moved out, especially when my daughter (10) lives there, and obviously without the slightest concern for her.
The ex doesnt take any time to get to know anyone. This guy could be a molester and no one would know. Luckily, my daughter would speak up, shes the type. But that hasnt stopped the ex from allowing the girl to stay home alone with that dude there during this summer. I'd like to slap the sh!t out of her for that.
For me its been one sh!t decision after another made by the ex that just piles the contempt on. How they can literally wipe a family out of existance, and yet "we" are the ones to have to just "move on"..


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## Shoeguy

Imperfectmomma,
I tried to justify that sadness. On the 5th I would have been married 20 years but instead I'm in my 2 year of divorce.

It took a long time and a lot of hours to develop the perspective I try and remember now. And it is realatively new.

My perspective is each of us truely travel through life individually. Along the way there are people that impact our journey. Your parents and maybe siblings and then many get married but some do not. It is an individual decision to get married.

If you marry the marriage is two people that choose to spend the rest of their journey together. Or so we thought but it doesn't change the fact that you are on your own journey. It just means that there is someone else walking beside you but they still have their own perspective on the same events you both encounter.

A divorce is one of the people choosing to leave and walk a different path. It can hurt and that was the case in my situation. I wanted to continue walking my journey with my ex. She did not and that to me is sad but I couldn't change that fact and after awhile I quit trying.

By thinking this way it has seemed to allow me to let go of her and try to experience new things without her. My journey is now seperate from hers as it was before we met. We have history or a past together that we can think back on but our forward progress is now very much different from each other.

I'd call that my healing and like I said it took a lot of hours to try figure out and develop that perspective. We each have our own ways. If you can find one for yourself you will be in a better place than now.

Shoeguy


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## StatusQuo

I like the journey metaphor.


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## ImperfectMomma

Shoeguy, that is a good metaphor. For me, right now, the pain is just so great after he cheated on me and destroyed everything. I am going to try very hard to adopt your outlook. It seems to me to be a very good way to look at it. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moe

I feel the same way. 20 years of talking everyday about everything and anything and now there is NO verbal communication. Hard to wrap my head around sometimes. We still have 5 kids and 3 still at home(mostly with me) and everything has to be through email or text. The hardest part for me has been to let go of trying to figure it out. It doesn't make sense, it never will, and doesn't have to.

I went in to see my Dr. the other day who hadn't seen me since a few weeks after she left in November. He was curious to know how things were going and I gave him a quick readers digest version of the past several months. He said "she is crazy". I said "Dr. I agree but I am trying to be Christlike and not hold on to things like that". He said "If Christ were here He would say she is crazy". Made me laugh and feel validated. Sometimes it feels like I am the crazy one until you get the perspective of others.


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## southbound

moe said:


> I feel the same way. 20 years of talking everyday about everything and anything and now there is NO verbal communication. Hard to wrap my head around sometimes. We still have 5 kids and 3 still at home(mostly with me) and everything has to be through email or text. The hardest part for me has been to let go of trying to figure it out. It doesn't make sense, it never will, and doesn't have to.
> 
> I went in to see my Dr. the other day who hadn't seen me since a few weeks after she left in November. He was curious to know how things were going and I gave him a quick readers digest version of the past several months. He said "she is crazy". I said "Dr. I agree but I am trying to be Christlike and not hold on to things like that". He said "If Christ were here He would say she is crazy". Made me laugh and feel validated. Sometimes it feels like I am the crazy one until you get the perspective of others.


I think the "walk away" person wants the other to feel crazy, because they have to validate their actions. I think that's why it never makes sense to those who are left. Some of the things that my x wife told me that drove her to unhappiness just could not make sense to my logical mind. I tried to think of other things that would be as equally puzzling. It would be like saying, "I had my dog euthanized because he got dirty." The logical mind thinks, "What about a bath?" It's like saying, "I had to sell my car because the tires were worn." 

People who have no real reason to divorce need to grasp every straw they can to make themselves feel good about it and the other feel responsible, and it seems so illogical that we will never figure it out.


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## stillhoping

That's it exactly, no matter how I behave or what I say, it doesn't make sense to him and I am selfish and self-centered. I was doing great, moving along the journey by myself after 30 years together, then bam, he shows up and says he misses his family. I want peace again, so off I go to work on me again.


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## unbelievable

It's not sad. You watched a long relationship slowly suffer and die. You buried it. You grieved. You moved on. What's the point of returning to the grave every few days and digging it back up? I talked to my ex only when child care issues required.


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## vi_bride04

unbelievable said:


> It's not sad. You watched a long relationship slowly suffer and die. You buried it. You grieved. You moved on. What's the point of returning to the grave every few days and digging it back up? I talked to my ex only when child care issues required.


:smthumbup:

Love this.


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## Jellybeans

I mean, it's sad that you spent so long with someone and now they're just a stranger to you BUT, you broke up so what would be the point in talking all the time anyway? I think you are handling it just fine.


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## unbelievable

Life is for the living and marriage is (supposed to be) for the loving. There is no point in spending one's life in regret or worse, chasing after unrequited love. They had a chance, they blew it, they are someone else's problem now.


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## stillhoping

You guys are great, perfect way to think about this. It was sad when it ended but now it just is what it is. It will be sad if I don't move on with my life


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## Shoeguy

Stillhoping it shouldn't be a matter of "IF" you don't move on it is only a question of "WHEN".

Each person has there own time period they need to heal. Plenty of great people here with all types of stories. Stick around and enjoy the chats.

Only time can heal which you will probably read many times on these boards.

Take care,

Shoeguy


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