# hurt by my husbands refusal for a small favor



## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

yesterday my calves were hurting a lot (perhaps exercise, yoga?) and I asked my husband to use his strength to give a few minutes massage as I like the firm pressure on them to help relieve pain but it was late (like 11ish and he was tired) for him it was late cause he sleeps early. We had just finished a movie and we were getting ready for bed. Is it unloving of him to say no? He also doesn't like putting tiger balm on his hands though. he has to wash it off thoroughly because of the potency (in case he touched his private parts lol). he said oh babe why didnt you ask me earlier i dont mind doing it earlier but im so tired now and just slopped on the bed. I got very hurt and slept without telling him anything.. Maybe i should have said something to him, like thats not very loving it would only be a few minutes extra effort for you. I wasnt asking for a half hour massage. just like 2minutes and it would take another 5 minutes to wash the hands thoroughly...so a max.  He knew it was bothering me a lot.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Yeah, you probably should have said something, because you bottled the pain inside...and he felt that you were upset...meanwhile, it didn't get talked about and you both go into your separate corners.

It is always better to talk about things...say how it made you feel and why. Try not to blame him with YOU YOU YOU statements, but I FEEL statements...and encourage him to do the same thing.

Next, tell your husband what you need...and allow him the same thing.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Maybe he was also quite tired?

Why did you not ask him earlier when you were watching the movie


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I understand your feeling hurt. At the same time, he did decline you nicely and you could have asked earlier. 

Sorry, but I think you are being a little too sensitive. You are hurt because he didn't put your needs above his - you were hurting, he was tired. But you are doing the same thing, putting your needs above his.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

peaceandhappiness said:


> yesterday my calves were hurting a lot (perhaps exercise, yoga?) and I asked my husband to use his strength to give a few minutes massage as I like the firm pressure on them to help relieve pain but it was late (like 11ish and he was tired) for him it was late cause he sleeps early. We had just finished a movie and we were getting ready for bed. Is it unloving of him to say no? He also doesn't like putting tiger balm on his hands though. he has to wash it off thoroughly because of the potency (in case he touched his private parts lol). he said oh babe why didnt you ask me earlier i dont mind doing it earlier but im so tired now and just slopped on the bed. I got very hurt and slept without telling him anything.. Maybe i should have said something to him, like thats not very loving it would only be a few minutes extra effort for you. I wasnt asking for a half hour massage. just like 2minutes and it would take another 5 minutes to wash the hands thoroughly...so a max.  He knew it was bothering me a lot.



Buy some latex gloves for hubby so he doesn't get any tiger balm on his hands and no washing is needed.

Don't have him rub you late at night, since he works early in the mornings. You knew he was very tired and still wanted him to rub you.

I'm sure he'd have no problems rubbing your sore body if done earlier and with latex gloves.

I know my wifee sometimes likes a back rub before bedtime. But if its too late, I am honestly very tired, because I too get up very early and the back rub isn't happening. She lets me know earlier if her back is sore and I get the job done with enthusiasm and energy. But very late at night, nope, not happening. Would she give me a 5 minute BJ very late at night, nope, too late.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Don't borrow trouble for your marriage by thinking he is 'unloving' for not doing something for you. No, he's just human, with his own problems, and you just have to realise you won't always come first for him when you expect to. People are always going to view requests from their partners through a filter of their own emotions and needs. His fatigue outweighed your calves in this instance, and he seemed nice enough in his refusal.

A big part of marriage is realising your partner has a right to say 'no' sometimes. Just like you should be able to say 'no' to him when you really don't want to do something, without repercussions of him thinking/saying you don't love him enough.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Was it unloving of you to ask at that time knowing his hours?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It would have been better to ask earlier in the evening. Yes, you can ask but he has also the right to refuse.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Nobody's perfect.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

So the pissing contest begins a anew.

You ask him for a late night favor, he politely declines and you have a fit because he's being "unloving" towards you. And now the silent treatment begins. And will continue until he apologizes. Correct?

And because he'll get mad over you not talking to him, he'll yell at you. And then you cry foul because he isn't taking your letter of expected behavior that you gave him before the July 4th holiday seriously.

The games people play...


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

You can't ask someone to do something and then get upset when they decline. 

You threw your hubby a fit test and he blew through it. Good for him!

Men are simple. If I ask a man friend "hey can you help me with this" and he says no, I figure it's for a good reason. We aren't wired like women with an innate need to help others. We are problem solvers though so use it to your advantage. 

Next time, ask ahead of time. Keep asking though. If you hear grumbling, that's a good sign as it means he coming to terms with it. If you ask regularly he'll see it as a problem he can fix. Praise him, and reward it when it's done right. Act indifferent about refusals. 

Eventually, he'll come to you to ask when you want your calves massaged.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

As tired as I may be, if my wife were to ask this of me, I would certainly accommodate her request.
I know that if I were in that situation I would certainly appreciate and wish my request be fulfilled.

I see it as making sacrifices for the ones we love. I believe we all need to be inconvenienced once in a while to show our significant other that we do care about their needs and not just that of our own.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

revamped said:


> so the pissing contest begins a anew.
> 
> You ask him for a late night favor, he politely declines and you have a fit because he's being "unloving" towards you. And now the silent treatment begins. And will continue until he apologizes. Correct?
> 
> ...



i told you i didnt say anything to him? There is no silent war..... I already have tension in my life without you having to jab at me everytime. Do you never make mistakes? Isnt life a learning proccess? This is my first relationship so yes i am not perfect. I am learning and growing. Yes i am immature and yes my sentiments are hurt easier than yours. You also dont know anything about me.... The type of childhood and parents i have had. The fact that my family isnt here with me and he is my sole support system. Yes i know you will say I dont know anything about you but I am basing on what you have said. So what? Do you have to be negative. You can form what you just said in a nicer manner too. The same message can come across to me without you being such a dic.k.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

IndyTMI said:


> As tired as I may be, if my wife were to ask this of me, I would certainly accommodate her request.
> I know that if I were in that situation I would certainly appreciate and wish my request be fulfilled.
> 
> I see it as making sacrifices for the ones we love. I believe we all need to be inconvenienced once in a while to show our significant other that we do care about their needs and not just that of our own.


Thank you! I dont ask him often. In fact this is the first time I have asked him in our relationship. If the situation was reversed i would certainly spend 5 extra minutes if he will be in less pain. the whole night i was fitgeting and couldnt sleep.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You are turning a declined request into a judgment that he doesn't love you. And that's unfair. You even thought of telling him him that but decided the silent treatment was a better route.

And I don't take jabs at you. As a matter of fact I advised going to your parents during the holiday because of escalated physical touching by him.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

IndyTMI said:


> As tired as I may be, if my wife were to ask this of me, I would certainly accommodate her request.
> I know that if I were in that situation I would certainly appreciate and wish my request be fulfilled.
> 
> I see it as making sacrifices for the ones we love. I believe we all need to be inconvenienced once in a while to show our significant other that we do care about their needs and not just that of our own.


:iagree: Even if I try not to ask for favors if my H is tired, this is a case where OP was in lots of pain so I'd also feel a bit hurt if my H wouldn't give 10 more mins to reduce my pain. I'd do the same for my H since it would make him feel loved and can't stand for him being in too much pain.

Although honestly this should be asked a bit earlier perhaps, if it was possible.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Did the OPs legs not hurt during the movie? I am only asking because usually, my H and I will do these thing while watching a movie. When he movie is over, we can just go to bed and not be bothered with doing extra stuff. H gets up early, I just don't see myself asking him to do something for me so late at night, even though he would.

OP, next time just ask him while you are both already up and not heading to bed. 

It's not really anything to make a big deal out of.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

im_tam said:


> Maybe he was also quite tired?
> 
> Why did you not ask him earlier when you were watching the movie


Because it then misses the opportunity to browbeat him later sounds like.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

Revamped said:


> You are turning a declined request into a judgment that he doesn't love you. And that's unfair. You even thought of telling him him that but decided the silent treatment was a better route.
> 
> And I don't take jabs at you. As a matter of fact I advised going to your parents during the holiday because of escalated physical touching by him.


The baggage of his actions, our relationship from our past is what made me feel this. Im not picking this paticularly incident as an indicator perse. I thought of having a conversation with him (very strategically ofcourse not pointing fingers and saying you dont love me but it would be nice if we did this sort of thing to each other once in a while when we really needed it babe, coulnt sleep at night because of pain etc.) That is part of a marriage right, communicating?

Having thought about everything everyone has said, I do think I overeacted and it wasnt a big deal. If he had asked me would i have made the little effort for him YES. But I can see that it wasnt a big lack of care from his part. Different people are different I guess. Doesnt mean he doesnt love me. Thanks for everyones input, I feel better about the whole situation.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Because it then misses the opportunity to browbeat him later sounds like.


I DID ask him earlier. He said how can I do this right now, hold on. Because while watching the movie the angle was rather difficult ( me leaning on him small couch) for a quick firm massage on the calves! So when we got into bed I requested it again.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Op I haven't read your other threads so perhaps my post will be out of context. No this is not a big deal.

If you make it a big deal, you will most definitely not get the result you hope for.

My goodness. Next time don't give the silent treatment which really annoys men (or anyone for that matter), just say "ok maybe next time."

So my opinion is that no, his lack of action does not mean that he is unloving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

peaceandhappiness said:


> yesterday my calves were hurting a lot (perhaps exercise, yoga?) and I asked my husband to use his strength to give a few minutes massage as I like the firm pressure on them to help relieve pain but it was late (like 11ish and he was tired) for him it was late cause he sleeps early. We had just finished a movie and we were getting ready for bed. Is it unloving of him to say no? He also doesn't like putting tiger balm on his hands though. he has to wash it off thoroughly because of the potency (in case he touched his private parts lol). he _*said oh babe why didnt you ask me earlier i dont mind doing it earlier but im so tired now and just slopped on the bed*_. I got very hurt and slept without telling him anything.. Maybe i should have said something to him, like thats not very loving it would only be a few minutes extra effort for you. I wasnt asking for a half hour massage. just like 2minutes and it would take another 5 minutes to wash the hands thoroughly...so a max.  He knew it was bothering me a lot.


If you asked him earlier why did he make this statement? Your post makes no sense


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

Ok guys I get it. Overeaction occurred here. I am happy to find out before i TALKED TO MY HUSBAND about it and there has BEEN NO SILENT TREATMENT. so my hubby doesnt think anything is wrong. I was merely pointing it out to discuss with my fellow forum members, and am glad i did because I can see things more clearly now.

Regarding me asking him in the couch. I did but we were watching a movie so there was no way for him to get up and do it there and then. maybe some folks can BUT IN OUR couped up couch we cannot. my husband prob didnt think too much of the request while the movie was going on then in bed he was too tired to follow through on the comment he made ' not now babe, later on.'

lets close the topic now. I get it. good night y'all.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

peaceandhappiness said:


> I DID ask him earlier. He said how can I do this right now, hold on. Because while watching the movie the angle was rather difficult ( me leaning on him small couch) for a quick firm massage on the calves! So when we got into bed I requested it again.


All you have to do is put your legs on his lap. You can do that on a love seat. It's just turning nothing into something. I am not seeing how that would have been difficult. :scratchhead:


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