# Need a men's perspective...



## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

ok... the scenerio this afternoon...

a few, easy going texts during the afternoon.. just little notes.. seems all fine...

later this afternoon he says that a membership is going to expire that we were both members... he told me he was going to renew. Then he texts back if he wants to renew my membership too at the same time. I reply that with tuition for school due soon (finances), and with taking care of my school, scraps of work, and mostly the kids, I really don't have time to justify renewing my membership. He texts back, now the tone is all cold and formal, thanking me for the explanation. No inquiries about the finances, no asking if there was a way he can help make time, etc. I am happy to hear that he is finally making time for himself other than work, and the interaction with the kids has been the most in the past 9 months than the entire time they have been alive, this all due to the fact that we made a child visitation schedule in which I strongly reccommended he follow... but in my heart it still aches that he has yet to think about us... even about the simpliest things... Am I reading into this too much?? Any thoughts?? feedback greatly appreciated. Thanks!


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

How can you tell someone's "tone" in a text? I don't know if this is the case with you or not, but I think people will often read too much into texts or blow things out of proportion.


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## Open4it (Sep 1, 2011)

Sorry, I'm not a guy but I'd like to offer my 2¢ anyway.

He is thinking about "us". He texted to see if you wanted to renew your membership with him.

He asked if you want to renew.
You said no and then gave the reasons why.
Have you considered that he was disappointed that you didn't want to renew?

This is classic case of expecting someone to know what you need without telling them.

Maybe you could instead give your reasons for why you don't think it's possible to renew and then ask if he can help to make it possible.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Open4it said:


> Sorry, I'm not a guy but I'd like to offer my 2¢ anyway.
> 
> He is thinking about "us". He texted to see if you wanted to renew your membership with him.
> 
> ...


That's what I thought.

He would even be texting with you if he wasn't thinking about you.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

RoseRed said:


> I reply that with tuition for school due soon (finances), and with taking care of my school, scraps of work, and mostly the kids, I really don't have time to justify renewing my membership. He texts back, now the tone is all cold and formal, thanking me for the explanation. No inquiries about the finances, no asking if there was a way he can help make time, etc.


You told him you didn't have time to justify renewing it. I would have interpreted that you are too busy right now to deal with this. So he respected your wishes and backed off. Kudos to him.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Thank you all for your input! I truly appreciate it!

I try very hard not to read tone into a text... the way I think of the change in tone is from words of little endearment immediately change to full cold formal words... yes.. perhaps I am reading too much into this...

As to the membership... it is one we never shared time there together anyways... so if he was thinking that by asking if he could renew mine, I did not think that this was a message that he wanted to enjoy this membership together... 

So my response was that I was now too busy to and it would not be prudent to waste money on this membership.. both financially and time wise that is too. 

GIT - oh ya I got issues.. fully admit that... 25+ years of emotional neglect and disrespectful judgement did take its toll... working through this... but I keep looking foreward... 

I could understand that he backed off...I have to be patient about his efforts about empathy, compassion and caring. I guess I was expecting a response more like "oh.. I'm sorry to hear that" After so so many years of being being treated tersely, dismissed, and going through sessions with MC that he would endevour to be more emotionally available.. this was back to the usual old routine... I will be patience as we all have these slips.

thanks for the insight.. he came over to pick up the little one for an activity.When I gently, calmly and lovingly asked how was his day, he was cold, terse and scowled at me. I will ask him when he brings home the little one if he was disappointed that I didn't renew... 

I believe a classical misunderstanding of our mind reading problem we have. 

I will redouble my efforts to be more clear... and perhaps we should cut out the texting for the important things...and talk on the phone or in person.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My text replies tend to be real brief and I hope folks don't think I'm being cold or snippy. I've got a really old phone, I don't text well, and I'm often too busy to send a long reply. Be careful about reading between the lines. Talk to him face-to-face and you'll have better information with which to make decisions. over 80% of our communication is non-verbal, which means unless you are looking at the person, you're missing 80% of what they are saying. Words can lie or mislead. Body language is pretty reliable.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Riverside MFT said:


> How can you tell someone's "tone" in a text? I don't know if this is the case with you or not, but I think people will often read too much into texts or blow things out of proportion.


That is exactly why I hate text messages and to some extent emails. If it is important, call or talk face to face.

I did a few communications and leadership classes in the Navy.
Approximately* 7% of our communication is comprised of words. The other 93% is in tone, gestures, volume, facial and body expressions, etc.* You simply cannot accurately communicate via text (unless it a picture of her boobs with "I want you RIGHT NOW!!" under the pic).


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't say anything to him about the renewal. Just move on from it. Let him pout. Just smile.


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## sad_shade_of_red (Sep 15, 2011)

in somthing i have observed with my mother in law and her relationship, and what i have noticed in myself typically guys will be factual with text messages and can easily attach no emotion at all simply a logical statement, however ive discovered that the recepeints worst fears/worries will be emotionally overlayed on to the text message resulting in a very different message what reads:

Sent: Will be late home tonight dont wait up
Interpretted: I'm going to be late and i dont care, go to bed

its a hard thing to imagine haha or explain but hopfully it can help !


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## bobdc (Sep 15, 2011)

hard to tell! good luck


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## WayTooAverage (Jul 29, 2011)

RoseRed it's easy to read or misread someone's text or email. I have done it many times. I know many people who it has happened to. Don't let anyone tell you that you have issues because of that.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> Don't say anything to him about the renewal. Just move on from it. Let him pout. Just smile.


:iagree:


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Don't say anything to him about the renewal. Just move on from it. Let him pout. Just smile.


What like let him know you just don't give a damn. That you just don't care at all, not even a tiny lttle bit?

Surely do that and he will walk away. Or maybe even run away.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

UPDATE:

If I didn't give a damn I wouldn't have come here to ask for input... but really counts is if H thinks if I give a damn or not... 

so....

Since he was all moody.... and as I have discovered through IC I was always asking if the vibe was off... the womanly intuition that something was wrong, I would always first to approach the situation... this had a negative effect on H since he never learnt how to be upfront and communicative about issues all on his own. He would just stew away til the problem faded away if I didn't speak first...

So... when he returned with our little one after the activity, I just mentioned that I noticed that he seemed a bit upset and that if he wished to talk about it... I would always be available. I cannot negate that compassion, forgiveness and the desire for understanding is part and parcel of who I am. A couple of days later he approached me and his moodiness was about the membership... that he DID want to renew both of our memberships that we may enjoy it together. I gently reminded him that I cannot read his mind. That I do appreciate his initiative to try more together things, but in no way could I ken all that out by him just asking if I wanted to renew or not. Words come first... then actions as the follow through...

A good lesson for the both of us! 

Slowly but surely...foreward!

thanks everyone!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Rose

We know you give a damn. But you have to ACT like you don't give a damn. Just like a kid throwing a tantrum, the more times you ignore it and start to feel like it shouldn't and doesn't bother you, then eventually the tantrums stop because they no longer become effective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Rose
> 
> We know you give a damn. But you have to ACT like you don't give a damn. Just like a kid throwing a tantrum, the more times you ignore it and start to feel like it shouldn't and doesn't bother you, then eventually the tantrums stop because they no longer become effective.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Thanks for the input I truly appreciate it. Your point is so valid... as I have done the same with my children with such behaviour, but never equated it to behaviours to a grown man.

I presume it was too much for me to assume that a grown adult would consciously or unwittingly resort to such behaviours. It will be my task to determine if these behaviours are purely manipulatively motivated or if he doesn't realize what he is actually doing.

Sigh.... :scratchhead:


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