# I hate where we live and it is killing our marriage!



## Sunshower (Jun 25, 2015)

Hello, 

When my husband and I met, I so kindly let him know that I did not like where he lived. I lived in the city... I mean right downtown. I stayed very busy with work, hobbies, friends, etc. He lived way out in the country... and enjoyed his garden, dog and work... I told him that if he was set on staying in the country that it was fine but we should go our separate ways right then b/c I know myself and I know I wouldn't be happy... well he told me he had NO INTENTION on staying and just ended up there looking for a house to rent. Fast forward 5 years later and one kid... and here we are living in the country. I agreed to live here for 2 years after we were married... long enough for him to figure out a job transfer. 2 years. I HATE IT HERE. it takes me literally 20min just to get to 'town' and then another 30 to the closest WalMart. No gym, no nice coffee shop, no book store, etc. All the hobbies I did when I met him have slowly dwindled down because it takes so long to get to anything. We have another argument last night. I am a very educated person and told him I didn't work for 8years of college to end up somewhere I hate... he says it's me and not the place. I can agree it can be both... but I KNOW MYSELF. I know what I need to be happy. I just feel so lied too. He said he would work on getting us out of here... 2 years ago... and here we are... same spot. No new job, nothing. I'm loosing my mind. I dream about moving on my own. I will not raise my only son here... with nothing, no culture. He refuses to see it from my side... to see how much I've lost.... I'm really starting not to care. Advice?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I'm a country person and have very little use for the city. The remark about no culture in the country, tut tut, just what culture are you not finding in the country? It appears you simply have a distaste and look down on country living. Shame really, quite safe in the country for your son. I attended college. I got my culture. I did not go to college to live in rehabilitated warehouses selling for millions. But to each their own. 

If you really feel strongly about city living you just might have to make that move yourself. I agree with your H. The country is fine. It might be you. Only you can make you happy. Not the place you live or your H

Right now I hear the frogs in the pond. Sure beats sirens, car horns and the din of traffic noise. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Yep...Country person here as well...Left the "Rat Race" because the rats won. Living in a rural setting on acreage is awesome. Sure it's an adjustment as both my wife and I came from urban/suburban settings...her in LA and me in SF.

It's funny too, because my wife felt it was weird at first...her biggest issues was how "dark" it got at night...LOL! It's nice being able to walk outside, hear the crickets and critters, and that Milky Way in the sky is simply spectacular on a moonless night.

Sure I miss the "cosmopolitan" life sometimes as there less good restaurants to choose from, and yes...to get anywhere...it's at least a 30 minute drive (closest city is Sacramento and that is an hour away).

Sometimes an adjustment in "attitude" can help too. For us, it was an adjustment, but we like it.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Country girl here too....I just love the "culture" of the city...crime, pollution, crowds, etc....

Compromise...move to the suburbs.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I would have lost my mind in a place like that when I was younger. Even now, I live right in the city, but I'm thinking I might be ready for something more quiet in a few years.

Do your friends ever come out to visit? Do you have family nearby? I imagine you must feel isolated from other young mom's if everything is so far away.

Your H obviously likes it there and isn't interested in the city. Is there a mid-point location that you both could compromise on but each get something? Around here, we have the city, and we have towns that are way out there, but the suburbs in the middle offer a wide variety of environments.

And yeah, your H shouldn't have said he'd look for a job in the city if he didn't mean to do it or to move. You shouldn't have married him before he showed you that he was serious about moving out of his country house.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You shouldn't have married him UNTIL he moved to the city.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I prefer the country as well. But I think if you made it clear that you want to live in the city, and he agreed. Then he's in the wrong. Prodigal is probably right, you probably shouldn't have married him until he moved to the city, but hind site is 20/20. 

Sadly, I think you already know what you need to do. So do it before you cheat. Because that's what's going to happen. You are going to meet some guy who reminds you city life, and because you feel like H is ignoring your needs you are going to have a hard time saying no. 

If you leave now before you have destroyed the relationship, there is a small chance that he will wake up and figure it out. But if he doesn't, once he gets over the initial hurt, you are going to have an easier time co parenting with him.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Country here as well. My wife and I are highly educated people working in a professional fields. We both came from city. She lived in 3.5 million people city, I was in 1.5 million people city as far as population concern. It took us 1.5 hour of driving on highway to get to major metropolis from our place. It takes 20 minutes to nearest Wal-Mart. She has hobbies, Amazon is a life saver. Now we are moving back to the city, not as big as ours but. She loves it, I am not so much. At the end, we love our place in the country, actually it is good for the kids, as air is much cleaner and life is bit slower. I think it is all in an approach. You just cannot hike in a concrete jungle. Sometimes rat race is not so cute. As far as an advise, are you that miserable? If so, try to explain it to your H. Depression does not go well hand to hand in a healthy marriage. Remind him how he felt in the city. Perhaps you can get a place not too far from the city. He can have country, you can have city life?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> I'm a country person and have very little use for the city. The remark about no culture in the country, tut tut, just what culture are you not finding in the country? It appears you simply have a distaste and look down on country living. Shame really, quite safe in the country for your son. I attended college. I got my culture. I did not go to college to live in rehabilitated warehouses selling for millions. But to each their own.
> 
> If you really feel strongly about city living you just might have to make that move yourself. I agree with your H. The country is fine. It might be you. Only you can make you happy. Not the place you live or your H
> 
> ...


 @Yeswecan, I'm with you in that I WISH I lived in the country and hate not living there. Ah, would be so nice to hear the frogs right now... And I'd much rather raise children in the country...

HOWEVER, the OP made it clear to her H that she wanted to live in the city prior to marriage and he said "YesWeCan!" so it seems very unfair that now he says the problem is her.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i think the only one killing your marriage is you....your attitude.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Sunshower said:


> Hello,
> 
> When my husband and I met, I so kindly let him know that I did not like where he lived. I lived in the city... I mean right downtown. I stayed very busy with work, hobbies, friends, etc. He lived way out in the country... and enjoyed his garden, dog and work... I told him that if he was set on staying in the country that it was fine but we should go our separate ways right then b/c I know myself and I know I wouldn't be happy... well he told me he had NO INTENTION on staying and just ended up there looking for a house to rent. Fast forward 5 years later and one kid... and here we are living in the country. I agreed to live here for 2 years after we were married... long enough for him to figure out a job transfer. 2 years. I HATE IT HERE. it takes me literally 20min just to get to 'town' and then another 30 to the closest WalMart. No gym, no nice coffee shop, no book store, etc. All the hobbies I did when I met him have slowly dwindled down because it takes so long to get to anything. We have another argument last night. I am a very educated person and told him I didn't work for 8years of college to end up somewhere I hate... he says it's me and not the place. I can agree it can be both... but I KNOW MYSELF. I know what I need to be happy. I just feel so lied too. He said he would work on getting us out of here... 2 years ago... and here we are... same spot. No new job, nothing. I'm loosing my mind. I dream about moving on my own. I will not raise my only son here... with nothing, no culture. He refuses to see it from my side... to see how much I've lost.... I'm really starting not to care. Advice?


I'm the opposite in that I'd rather live in the country and could never stand to live in the city. But enough about me.... I really feel for you because it sounds like your husband pulled a major bait-n-switch on you. You made it clear how you felt before getting married.

I don't know what to advise though, especially since you have a child. But when he says the problem is you, then I think you should tell him that if anyone can be happy anywhere, then he can be happy in the city as easily as you can be happy in the country, and if not, then "it's just him" that is the problem.

Just wanted to say I think you have a very legitimate gripe if you were clear with him prior to getting involved.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

It is not about what's better, country or city living. Her preference is city, and hubby knew about it, and tricked her into country living, probably hoping she would like it. Guess what, she does not, and it is her right. She never lied about it.

It is about his disregard for his wife. He did not respect what she told him, and made very clear. He got his way,while dismissing his wife's feelings


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

Read Mans Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I agree with WandaJ, this is not about our personal preferences, it is about Sunshower's preference. If she did express her wishes back before marriage and he apparently did not, that is where the problem started. 

We (my wife, my boys and me) live on an island, but on an island with a big city and lots of traffic. I grew up on another island where every thing moves very slow. I could have seen myself living there (my home island) the rest of my life. However, I am ok living where I am... But that is a preference I am ok with, and not everyone is fine with that sort of arrangement, changes from which they are accustomed. 

Sunshower without hearing your H side of the story, it is hard to figure out a solution. So, have you asked him, lately, if he really wants to live in the city? I think this is where it needs to start. If you start setting ultimatums, he will become resentful. You folks need to have an honest conversation on the topic (not yelling or trying to score points).


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

Well considering how amazingly easy it is to find a nice, career-track, high paying job in exactly the place you want to live in this economy, I can see why this is an issue and all his fault.

Or perhaps all I saw was a grown woman complaining about driving 20 minutes to get somewhere.

Good god.

Just get divorced already.

Seriously.



Sunshower said:


> I HATE IT HERE. it takes me literally 20min just to get to 'town' and then another 30 to the closest WalMart. No gym, no nice coffee shop, no book store, etc. All the hobbies I did when I met him have slowly dwindled down because it takes so long to get to anything.
> 
> He refuses to see it from my side... to see how much I've lost.... I'm really starting not to care. Advice?


You literally just said that you value a less than 30 minute to a coffee shop and a book store so much so that they represent immense personal loss.

So much personal loss that you just do not care anymore.

Get. Divorced. Now.

From the sound of it you are an immature and selfish individual.

You have 8-years of education.

What is stopping you from getting a serious income-generating job that would move you closer to where you live?

Seriously.

You are an adult and you have an education.

If it is just so easy to find the perfect job in the right place, _you do it._

:bsflag:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It's funny I read your post.. and thought I would have left a man if he wouldn't commit to the country!!.. I would have bi*ched whined & moaned until we made it out in the boonies. 

I lived in the city 2 times in my life..I felt caged.... I was always dreaming about living on some back country road.... privacy... corn fields.. 

Some of the houses we looked at before we got ours.. it's amusing how desperate we were...we didn't have a lot of money but our lust for getting out there.. well... I think my Father in law thought we lost our minds when we took him to see this one house.. zip zagging through this corn field all lonesome ... our kids would have had to walk a half mile to get on on bus.. 

Another one we put a bid on (didn't get it)... the owners told us .. don't be surprised if we come home someday and the neighbor is on out couch watching TV.. they were Amish.. and that's how it was there.. we also looked at an old house with 40 acres - we could afford it.. but it needed a bathroom, still had an old outhouse on the property!.. the only reason we didn't buy that is I felt it was too close to the road!! 

It's not fun being that far away from Town .. the gas & all...but Gawd.. I love to be out away from it all.

Nothing wrong with how you feel though ..... it's good there is variety in our world.. I do feel though.. City living/ lifestyle vs a more laid back country lifestyle is a *HUGE Compatibility issue*.. it's always been one of my deal breakers.. Just like you grew up in the city.. some of us grew up on the country & have fond memories of it.. we lived next to a horse farm.. I treasure some of those times.. 












> *Sunshower said*: *I told him that if he was set on staying in the country that it was fine but we should go our separate ways right then b/c I know myself and I know I wouldn't be happy*... well he told me he had NO INTENTION on staying and just ended up there looking for a house to rent. Fast forward 5 years later and one kid... and here we are living in the country. I agreed to live here for 2 years after we were married... long enough for him to figure out a job transfer. 2 years. I HATE IT HERE.


 IN fairness.. you were HONEST with how you felt from the very beginning.... he downplayed his reason for living there.. and promised you in 2 yrs....

Do you feel he deceived you in this way.. intentionally.. or it's a matter of money... you mentioned his not getting an anticipated job transfer.. but sounds you make good money? Are you carrying the bulk of the income then? You should have a lot of say.. if you are just renting still... 

or do you think he is dragging his feet because he really isn't a City man? maybe a little compromising on something more "middle ground " like a suburban setting?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Icey181 said:


> Well considering how amazingly easy it is to find a nice, career-track, high paying job in exactly the place you want to live in this economy, I can see why this is an issue and all his fault.
> 
> Or perhaps all I saw was a grown woman complaining about driving 20 minutes to get somewhere.
> 
> ...


Wow, Icey, you really live up to your name.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

This thread is an example as to why newbies might think the TAM community is cruel.

I suspect the OP mentioned how much she disliked the country to make clear how her living situation was affecting her quality of life. Not to say that those of you who like living in the country are country bumpkins.

I think moving wife and family to the 'burbs or the country can be a tool of control. Maybe my parents weren't thinking of it when we moved to the (white) suburbs in the '60s when I was 7. But I am sure that my father breathed a sigh of relief when his daughters reached puberty and discovered boys. There was no public transportation and we could not get anywhere without a car. So can you imagine, one mom, one car and 6 kids. Some of them are going to lose out.

I remember a couple of occasions when I asked my mother if I could do something with friends. I got one of those bright eyed wide smile "of course you can, but how will you get there." When I would point out that transportation has already been offered, then my mother would have to engage in the arduous task of finding another excuse to avoid saying "no," while preventing me from having a social life.

So hopefully, I have presented an example of how the "city" can represent freedom and convenience which I suspect the OP was trying to convey.

OP, I am not sure how to solve your problem. My exH and I split up for several reasons. One of them was the fact that he saw himself as posh, intended to buy his mother's house out in the home counties (in the country) and set his family up there while he would spend the weekdays in the city (and would he come home every night - 4 hour drive, or just stay there.)

If you're out there due to the proximity of his work, then he needs to agree that a job located closer to the city is better for the three of you. And perhaps you can help him with networking for that. Are there any social clubs of interest in which you might meet people who work in his industry or profession.

If he agrees in principle perhaps you can help with the research - job ops, housing situation and so on.

I go back and forth with this with my 2nd husband. He's paid an expat salary in Europe which will vanish in 5 years due to tax agreements between the countries. Our last discussion, he said, and I do not want to make less than 6 figures. And then I said, but if we move back to the Sates, we will have to buy a car for each of us....... Imagine that, getting hit with a charge of 70 to 80k or more as soon you arrive. that at least made him rethink the value of money when your needs have to extend to expensive and depreciating assets like a car compared to the quality of your life when you live somewhere where you don't even need to engage in those kind of expenses. It definitely made him think.

See what I just did. (or OP, I may be back here in a few years with the same problem that you have now.)


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

On the face of it, options are (1) put up with it (2) separate.

The real problem is that it looks like there are no real consequences for the H under (1) and that (2) is a nuclear option.

Trying to engage H in discussion without some sort of lever is unlikely to get anywhere. He's already reneged on his promises.

If OP is a city lover, she needs to find a way of finding more time to spend in the city. A residential weekend assertiveness workshop might be a start. Or, really, any sort of group hobby or interest with meetings and workshops. Any friend available to stay over with when they run on late into the evening?

It needs to incovenience H. More in sorrow than anger, rather than tit-for-tat getting back at him. A fine line to tread.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

I totally disagree that it is selfish or immature to not want to be forced to rely on cars and driving a length of time just to go anywhere. America has such a drive culture compared to almost anywhere else in the world. Most people in the world choose to build their cities and towns in a compact manner that allows their citizens to walk anywhere they need to go, and often go further to provide public transport (easier to provide when your city is nice and compact isn't it?). Yet here in the U.S. we have no concern for people wanting or needing to use their human walking skills and design cities with cars and driving in mind. Roads in even a small town are regularly 5 lanes without much thought for people who may need to cross those roads. 

I grew up in a small town isolated from everything and I understand OP's frustration. As soon as I had the chance to visit several foreign nations and experienced the freedom of being able to go anywhere without being forced to pay for and maintain a car I finally realized what I had been missing all those years. I still miss it every single day. Even in the poorest, most run down and unsafe country I visited people still had the freedom to walk and get their business done. There is always a market within a mile, streets are built for walking and crossing by foot, and small food shops are everywhere so that you can easily grab something and come back home. 

As a SAHM whose husband drives 30 minutes to work with our only car, I miss that freedom. I miss the freedom SAHM's in most of the rest of the world have, and I resent having to be dependent on a car just to go anywhere or do anything. I hate the fact that we will soon need to buy a SECOND car just so I can have some of my sanity back. 

If that is selfish than everyone in England, Europe, Middle East and Asia is selfish. What sounds selfish and anti-social to me is valuing the use of a car so much that walking becomes only a recreational activity and needing so much distance from other humans.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It's time to bring some levity to this topic:

"Green Acres" Opening and Closing Theme Song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umS3XM3xAPk


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Even in the poorest, most run down and unsafe country I visited people still had the freedom to walk and get their business done. There is always a market within a mile, streets are built for walking and crossing by foot, and small food shops are everywhere so that you can easily grab something and come back home.


A few years ago, my family decided to descend upon Munich for a vacation. We were going to a Beer Hall one evening and we needed directions. Since I studied German at university, I was able to ask a woman walking alone for directions. She said that she was going that way and that we could follow her. 

My SIL who lives in Denver thought that was so wonderful that a woman could be out alone at night and feel safe enough to help others.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think the OP and her husband fell into a typical scenario, love makes you blind to reality. When you are in the honeymoon phase of a relationship you think everything will always work out, you think you and your lover will do whatever is necessary to make each other happy. That creates a problem right from the get go, you end up basing decisions not so much on fact but on promises

He promised to leave the country setting, heck he probably truly meant that promise, but if the OP would have ignored the love blinders maybe she would have said "no way would I marry a guy who likes country living", and the fact was right there in front of her this guy lived in the country. And for his part all he had to do was look at the OPs history and see that her whole live has been in the city, and she told him that's the life she wanted. So with his love blinders on he promised to do whatever he needed to make her happy, but the reality seems to be he isn't interested in the city life.

Neither lifestyle choice is right or wrong, the problem is both agreed to change there preference for the others, the OP moved to the country to make her man happy, he agreed to move to the city to make the OP happy. 

OP maybe a compromise can be achieved, maybe a house close to the edge of the city, let your husband have a yard and garden, give him a couple acres to play on, yet get yourself close enough to the city where you can enjoy the life you want, maybe not in the heart of down town but close enough that both of you can be happy. 

Or divorce.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

This isn't about geography.. It's about compatibility. You two have never belonged together. 

Ever watched the show Green Acres? I never bought the premise of that show. In real life Eva would have left that clodhopper in a heartbeat. He was like your husband....he was going to live where he wanted to live regardless of what his wife wanted. 

Pack your sh!t and move back to the city. He will either follow you or not.

Given my druthers I would live in the country because I grew up in the country. But I don't act like I'm from the country. I like the city as well. But I would have never married a city girl. There is a vast gulf of difference between a girl, say, from New York City and a boy from Lordsburg, NM. 

Frankly I have no clue why you and your husband got together given the polarity of your desires. It's called rushing into marriage before you had everything sorted out. And I agree with the other: your husband is a bully. He may not beat you, but he's a typical selfish country boy. I know the type. I came from that type.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> If that is selfish than everyone in England, Europe, Middle East and Asia is selfish. What sounds selfish and anti-social to me is valuing the use of a car so much that walking becomes only a recreational activity and* needing so much distance from other humans. *


I have heard people who move to the 'burbs claim that they need their privacy. Only to be p!ssed off that no one comes to visit them.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Sunshower said:


> ... I told him that if he was set on staying in the country that it was fine but we should go our separate ways right then b/c I know myself and I know I wouldn't be happy...


So, you set a boundary... 



Sunshower said:


> Fast forward 5 years later and one kid... and here we are living in the country. I agreed to live here for 2 years after we were married...


... And you made it conditional. 

What this did was show him you weren't really serious about not wanting to live in the country. You set the boundary and then didn't follow through. You even changed the goal posts (wait 2 years). When you did this it showed you were changeable. Men don't take things seriously if you say one thing and do another. I'm sorry to say that I think you shot yourself in the foot by agreeing to stay 2 years. You should have taken initiative and left. 

He probably thought that if you were there already, you'd get used to it and it wouldn't be an issue eventually. Very common thought process for someone that wants a passive "solution" to an indecision. If you ride it out long enough, you forfeit the ability to argue about it kind of mentality. He's happy, you're miserable, and he can't understand why you're upset. This is one reason I would tell any woman to never compromise on the things she KNOWS make her happy. I'd tell men the same. We all compromise in relationships on things we can deal with, but a deal breaker (boundary) needs to be steadfast and rock solid.



Sunshower said:


> I KNOW MYSELF. I know what I need to be happy. I just feel so lied too. He said he would work on getting us out of here... 2 years ago... and here we are... same spot. No new job, nothing


You know what you need to be happy but you were willing to compromise on it because of what he SAID. Words do not equal actions. This is a very valuable lesson to learn. How important is your happiness to you? How in the future will you now protect and preserve that happiness? 

I feel for you, I am a country person through and through but my mother loves the city and I grew up in a suburb. I'm a huge extrovert, so its kind of odd to want to be so remote at the same time. 

In my first marriage I made the mistake of shifting goal posts more than once, on the promise that X would happen. If this, then this. NO. I learned (much later) that for my important boundaries it was THIS or nothing. Sometimes I got nothing, but at least I walked away with my happiness goal intact. 

It's never too late to assert those boundaries with your husband and see where you stand. Living preference is a very serious incompatibility imo, so maybe living somewhere in the middle is best.


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## optimalprimus (Feb 4, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> I'm a country person and have very little use for the city. The remark about no culture in the country, tut tut, just what culture are you not finding in the country? It appears you simply have a distaste and look down on country living. Shame really, quite safe in the country for your son. I attended college. I got my culture. I did not go to college to live in rehabilitated warehouses selling for millions. But to each their own.
> 
> If you really feel strongly about city living you just might have to make that move yourself. I agree with your H. The country is fine. It might be you. Only you can make you happy. Not the place you live or your H
> 
> ...


It really is irrelevant whether YOU are a country person or not. The OP does not value what country living gives her v what she loses.

I'm not very good at offering advice as my wife and made sure we had similar wants for the future before we got married (one of us could still change i guess). But if you had a clear agreement that you would move to a more irban area then you need to enforce that with hubby. You could agree a timescale for him to find a different job and if he doesn't then you will move and he will need to commute in the same way that you have needed to travel to your hobbies. How realistic is it for him to find work?

If his work is more important to the family and commuting is not an option then you may have to reconsider your position, perhaps move somewhere that is a compromise (eg near a supermarket but no nice coffee house).

But I'd definitely hold him to account for the agreement he made.

Good luck let us know how you get on.


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## optimalprimus (Feb 4, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> A few years ago, my family decided to descend upon Munich for a vacation. We were going to a Beer Hall one evening and we needed directions. Since I studied German at university, I was able to ask a woman walking alone for directions. She said that she was going that way and that we could follow her.
> 
> My SIL who lives in Denver thought that was so wonderful that a woman could be out alone at night and feel safe enough to help others.


Those damned European socialists!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

optimalprimus said:


> Those damned European socialists!



yeah, it's so awful that an environment can be made that is not only safe and secure but also convenient enough that it makes it easy for people to be helpful with one another.


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## Sunshower (Jun 25, 2015)

EXACTLY. I am fine with compromise. I do not feel I must live downtown like before... I am more than happy to move somewhere that he can have a garden, some space etc. He loves that. I know that. I know what I love as well. I can compromise but can't give it all up. I can't at my very core.


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## Sunshower (Jun 25, 2015)

Thanks for all the replies. I am totally agreeable to compromise. I work and earn close to what he does. My career is more mobile than his and I have accepted this for the time being. I chose my career to be mobile... and he knew that. His career IS mobile just not as easily as mine. I knew that as well. HE is the one that said '2 years and I can make it happen'. Not I. To me, if he would stop dismissing my feelings, wants, needs I would feel a lot less anxious about this whole situation. My 'neighbors' are good people... but imagine living close to people who ducktape their cigs to their chest so they can sit on the porch, get drunk and not loose their pack of smokes... I went for a run the other day and had to turn around and come home because there were goats, horses and dogs fighting. I am not making this up. It was funny at first... the first few years at least. I made who I was very very clear. I was 33 when we met. I know myself. I trusted him. I still love him more than any man I've ever dated. I've hit several deer coming home from work. SEVERAL. It floods at least 3-4 times a year here and I can't get out for DAYS. I have a 1y/o. How safe is that?! And when it storms/floods we typically loose power... this past winter, we lost power for days. It was cold. When the snow started to melt, it flooded and I still couldn't get out. No power, cold, no internet, flooded in with a baby. Had to miss several days of work.... 

I can't tolerate another crappy winter. He laughs at me b/c this is upsetting. bah.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your husband is a d!ck, and a hick...I think you deserve better. But if you want to try the compromise thing then go for it. But don't look to hope. I don't see him changing. I know his type very well. I grew up with guys just like him and they do not change.


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## Sunshower (Jun 25, 2015)

I would like to try the compromise thing. I love him and he is a good father. I will exhaust all my 'trying' until I can't.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Sunshower said:


> Thanks for all the replies. I am totally agreeable to compromise. I work and earn close to what he does. My career is more mobile than his and I have accepted this for the time being. I chose my career to be mobile... and he knew that. His career IS mobile just not as easily as mine. I knew that as well. HE is the one that said '2 years and I can make it happen'. Not I. To me, if he would stop dismissing my feelings, wants, needs I would feel a lot less anxious about this whole situation. My 'neighbors' are good people... but imagine living close to people who ducktape their cigs to their chest so they can sit on the porch, get drunk and not loose their pack of smokes... I went for a run the other day and had to turn around and come home because there were goats, horses and dogs fighting. I am not making this up. It was funny at first... the first few years at least. I made who I was very very clear. I was 33 when we met. I know myself. I trusted him. I still love him more than any man I've ever dated. I've hit several deer coming home from work. SEVERAL. It floods at least 3-4 times a year here and I can't get out for DAYS. I have a 1y/o. How safe is that?! And when it storms/floods we typically loose power... this past winter, we lost power for days. It was cold. When the snow started to melt, it flooded and I still couldn't get out. No power, cold, no internet, flooded in with a baby. Had to miss several days of work....
> 
> I can't tolerate another crappy winter. He laughs at me b/c this is upsetting. bah.



OMG! I felt bad for you reading this thread, but this brings it to a whole new level. This sounds like you are living in the movie "Deliverance" I can almost hear the banjos playing when you see your neighbors with their cigs duct taped to their chests, lol. 

You've got to get out, this doesn't sound like the bucolic paradise all the posters who love the charm of the country are talking about. I lived in the suburbs, within commuting distance to two major cities and I am over it. Now that I am divorced I am buying a place in the city. 

You know the environment you are comfortable living in, your H is wrong for not taking that seriously. I think the only way to shock him into change might be finding a place that is acceptable to you and start the move. I would have been gone after the "critter fight" in my front yard honestly.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I grew up in the country, in a ranching community, but no one I knew taped cigarette packs to their chests!!!! Holy crap! That is just white trash. That's disgusting. I'm a *******, but I'm an educated *******, and all the people I grew up with had some semblance of propriety.

If that is they way your husband wants to live, you need to exit...quickly. Let Grizzer Adams have his cabin in the woods. He can marry Sasquatch and be happy, or maybe the neighbr will loan him his nasty wife to keep him warm at night. 

You get back to a decent, healthy environment where you can raise your baby without having Cody Lundin come and build you a fire using twigs.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Icey181 said:


> You literally just said that you value a less than 30 minute to a coffee shop and a book store so much so that they represent immense personal loss.
> 
> :bsflag:


True that.

My work commute is 56 miles....one way.

Can I have a little cheese with my whine? :grin2:


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Sunshower said:


> I can't tolerate another crappy winter. He laughs at me b/c this is upsetting. bah.


This makes far more sense than the whine over the coffee shop.

Years ago we lived out on a farm too and H traveled a lot for work.

I was stuck for a week during a snow storm.

The For Sale sign went up the week after he got back.

Your argument for a move needs more facts like this, not because you miss urban culture.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sunshower said:


> Thanks for all the replies. I am totally agreeable to compromise. I work and earn close to what he does. My career is more mobile than his and I have accepted this for the time being. I chose my career to be mobile... and he knew that. His career IS mobile just not as easily as mine. I knew that as well. HE is the one that said '2 years and I can make it happen'. Not I. To me, if he would stop dismissing my feelings, wants, needs I would feel a lot less anxious about this whole situation. My 'neighbors' are good people... but imagine living close to people who ducktape their cigs to their chest so they can sit on the porch, get drunk and not loose their pack of smokes... I went for a run the other day and had to turn around and come home because there were goats, horses and dogs fighting. I am not making this up. It was funny at first... the first few years at least. I made who I was very very clear. I was 33 when we met. I know myself. I trusted him. I still love him more than any man I've ever dated. I've hit several deer coming home from work. SEVERAL. It floods at least 3-4 times a year here and I can't get out for DAYS. I have a 1y/o. How safe is that?! And when it storms/floods we typically loose power... this past winter, we lost power for days. It was cold. When the snow started to melt, it flooded and I still couldn't get out. No power, cold, no internet, flooded in with a baby. Had to miss several days of work....
> 
> I can't tolerate another crappy winter. He laughs at me b/c this is upsetting. bah.


Your neighbors...well, smokes taped their chest beat the thug downtown who has a 9mm taped to their chest. 

In Baltimore many had to turn around and go home because there were people looting and rioting. I'll take the goats any day. 

You make it appear that floods, snow and loss of electricity does not happen in the city. It does. FOR DAYS! 

My point is....both city and country have their issues. For me, I'll take the country any day. Getting mugged for a few dollars downtown is not my idea of fun.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Oh, and we now live on about a 1/3 acre lot.

We have a garden (4 raised beds) and we raise Honeybees and next year we are adding Chickens.

The drive to a very nice shopping area is 15 minutes. We are 10 minutes from the airport and there are tons of museums, dining choices, parks and sports and arts alternatives in a 20 minutes or so radius.

It is not necessary to live in the sticks or an urban loft to make both of you happy.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

What's lonely is love said - there are many places where you can have country life and city not that far away. It looks like he took you to the end of the worlds.


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## Sunshower (Jun 25, 2015)

Well that isn't literally what I said so...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

LonelyinLove said:


> Oh, and we now live on about a 1/3 acre lot.
> 
> We have a garden (4 raised beds) and we raise Honeybees and next year we are adding Chickens.
> 
> ...


Exactly! Best of both worlds.


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## Sunshower (Jun 25, 2015)

that sounds like a dream!!! I'd take that in a heart beat. AND IN ALL MY YEARS LIVING IN THE CITY I NEVER ONCE lost power and got flooded in for days and days... not once. :x


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## Sunshower (Jun 25, 2015)

And yes there is country living and there is ******* living... again these are good people... just what you think of when you think of your stereotypical Appalachian hillbilly... or worse.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Sunshower said:


> Well that isn't literally what I said so...


And the really good part is that with less outside to care for (but still enough to enjoy) you have the time for the fun city things and the small drive to get there.

I love the suburbs! :laugh:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sunshower said:


> that sounds like a dream!!! I'd take that in a heart beat. AND IN ALL MY YEARS LIVING IN THE CITY I NEVER ONCE lost power and got flooded in for days and days... not once. :x


I can tell you in the MD and DC area an inch of snow wrecks havoc. We have had storms that shut down electricity for weeks. Not to mention major snow storms were folks are inside for days. Flooding as well. 

Last week or so I took my daughters to Lana Del Rey. The drive of 60 miles to the show place took 3 hours. The return home at 11 pm was another 2 1/2 hours. This is city living. :surprise:

But again, both have headaches. I prefer the country as my neighbors make croaking noises, chirps and bird songs. I bit more quiet than city life could ever offer. I like peace and quiet. I do know of one who lives in NY. Loves it to death. Would not move for any reason. So, I can see your desire for the city. I have seen it in others.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sunshower said:


> And yes there is country living and there is ******* living... again these are good people... just what you think of when you think of your stereotypical Appalachian hillbilly... or worse.


Paddle faster...I hear banjos! :surprise:


If you truly in the deep woods were you are truly isolated then it can be depressing. I like the burbs but also have the city close enough if I want to visit but far enough I don't have to deal with it.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

People, talking about how much you love the country, or how the city sucks, is completely irrelevant to this thread. 

It really doesn't matter what any of us like. What matters is that an agreement was made, and her husband isn't living up to it. That's the issue.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

BlueWoman said:


> People, talking about how much you love the country, or how the city sucks, is completely irrelevant to this thread.
> 
> 
> 
> It really doesn't matter what any of us like. What matters is that an agreement was made, and her husband isn't living up to it. That's the issue.



Exactly... I'm not sure how many country folk here would like living on an island. I love it, but I know a large number of folks from the mainland who can only take a year of it and move back. I get depressed if I don't see the ocean, but that is something my wife and I are used to having been born and raised here.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> You make it appear that floods, snow and loss of electricity does not happen in the city. It does. FOR DAYS!


I don't get floods or lose power. Yes, we do get snow, snowstorms, and heavy snow; however, I am not trapped in the house for days on end. I can still walk to the grocery store, walk to the pharmacist, get to a doctor, anything.

If I had a one year old child and was living somewhere where I was regularly trapped in the house due to snow and flooding - especially a COLD house because the electricity is also out, I'd be getting a place closer to town. 

OP, maybe what you can do is go online and start looking for a place where you would be more at ease, and that he might be ok with, and then ask him to start looking at places with you. If he balks, you rent it yourself and tell him you'll come stay at his place during the months when there aren't storms, floods, or snow predicted. Maybe he needs to realize how serious you are about this in order to take your needs seriously.


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## Sunshower (Jun 25, 2015)

I have honestly already thought about moving on my own. I hate to do that esp since our son adores him and is so young... but I can't be a good mom miserable and it's starting to really piss me off lol


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

norajane said:


> I don't get floods or lose power. Yes, we do get snow, snowstorms, and heavy snow; however, I am not trapped in the house for days on end. I can still walk to the grocery store, walk to the pharmacist, get to a doctor, anything.
> 
> If I had a one year old child and was living somewhere where I was regularly trapped in the house due to snow and flooding - especially a COLD house because the electricity is also out, I'd be getting a place closer to town.
> 
> OP, maybe what you can do is go online and start looking for a place where you would be more at ease, and that he might be ok with, and then ask him to start looking at places with you. If he balks, you rent it yourself and tell him you'll come stay at his place during the months when there aren't storms, floods, or snow predicted. Maybe he needs to realize how serious you are about this in order to take your needs seriously.


Check out what happened in NY 1977. Nine months later there was an explosion births in the city. :surprise:

As infrastructure deteriorates utility failure will be more frequent.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sunshower said:


> I have honestly already thought about moving on my own. I hate to do that esp since our son adores him and is so young... but I can't be a good mom miserable and it's starting to really piss me off lol


Too which I agree. Is there a place to move to that is a happy medium? 

The reason I ask(although you H agreed to move to the city) putting your H in the city will tilt the balance of unhappiness the other way. H will be here posting. He can not be a good dad when miserable. 

Rock and hard place really. However, again, your H said he would move to the city. Someone did point out that your H thought you would grow to like the country. Not the case. Your H should look to move to the city as he agreed to do.


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## Sunshower (Jun 25, 2015)

He didn't agree to move to the city... he agreed to move out of the sticks. I married him knowing Id never live in NYC, Philly, Etc and I am ok with that... I'm not asking him to move to the big apple... just closer to things, people etc. I'd like my son to go to school in a decent school district and no grow up around such poverty and provide him culture.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

FrenchFry said:


> You might have to do the lifting on this part to show you are serious. Make a little noise so that your husband can't sink back into complacency and ignore your distress.
> 
> Go from there to gauge how committed he is to living in the country.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

The bottom line is this: Either suck it up and live the way he wants to live, or confront this head-on. He told you living in the country was a temporary thing. Apparently not true.

So be true to yourself. Live with it or move. And it doesn't matter how great a father he is, if you are resenting the choices he has made and you are unhappy DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.


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## LisaKane (Jun 26, 2015)

A healthy plant grows where it is planted.I have and can live anywhere where my home is..and my home is my spouse. You thought marriage was about ...what? Change your mind or live without your man...nothing more simple than that. It is all about your mind....your thoughts...your expectations of what your story looks like. Good luck.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You've been living in the sticks for this many years, it's killing your marriage, and he hasn't budged. Just wanted to add this extra thought after I chewed it over a bit.

If this is a "killer" for your marriage, then quit rationalizing why to stay. Tell him he moves closer to civilization, or you walk. Seriously.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sunshower said:


> Thanks for all the replies. I am totally agreeable to compromise. I work and earn close to what he does. My career is more mobile than his and I have accepted this for the time being. I chose my career to be mobile... and he knew that. His career IS mobile just not as easily as mine. I knew that as well. HE is the one that said '2 years and I can make it happen'. Not I. To me, if he would stop dismissing my feelings, wants, needs I would feel a lot less anxious about this whole situation. My 'neighbors' are good people... but imagine living close to people who ducktape their cigs to their chest so they can sit on the porch, get drunk and not loose their pack of smokes... I went for a run the other day and had to turn around and come home because there were goats, horses and dogs fighting. I am not making this up. It was funny at first... the first few years at least. I made who I was very very clear. I was 33 when we met. I know myself. I trusted him. I still love him more than any man I've ever dated. I've hit several deer coming home from work. SEVERAL. It floods at least 3-4 times a year here and I can't get out for DAYS. I have a 1y/o. How safe is that?! And when it storms/floods we typically loose power... this past winter, we lost power for days. It was cold. When the snow started to melt, it flooded and I still couldn't get out. No power, cold, no internet, flooded in with a baby. Had to miss several days of work....
> 
> I can't tolerate another crappy winter. He laughs at me b/c this is upsetting. bah.


Why can't you run where there are horses and goats? I get being concerned about fighting dogs depending on the situation. But goats and horses?

Sorry just have to ask.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Did anyone mention Green Acres yet?


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Sunshower said:


> Thanks for all the replies. I am totally agreeable to compromise. I work and earn close to what he does. My career is more mobile than his and I have accepted this for the time being. I chose my career to be mobile... and he knew that. His career IS mobile just not as easily as mine. I knew that as well. HE is the one that said '2 years and I can make it happen'. Not I. To me, if he would stop dismissing my feelings, wants, needs I would feel a lot less anxious about this whole situation. My 'neighbors' are good people... but imagine living close to people who ducktape their cigs to their chest so they can sit on the porch, get drunk and not loose their pack of smokes... I went for a run the other day and had to turn around and come home because there were goats, horses and dogs fighting. I am not making this up. It was funny at first... the first few years at least. I made who I was very very clear. I was 33 when we met. I know myself. I trusted him. I still love him more than any man I've ever dated. I've hit several deer coming home from work. SEVERAL. It floods at least 3-4 times a year here and I can't get out for DAYS. I have a 1y/o. How safe is that?! And when it storms/floods we typically loose power... this past winter, we lost power for days. It was cold. When the snow started to melt, it flooded and I still couldn't get out. No power, cold, no internet, flooded in with a baby. Had to miss several days of work....
> 
> I can't tolerate another crappy winter. He laughs at me b/c this is upsetting. bah.


Out of curiosity just where the heck do you live? I have lived in rural areas most of my life and never hit several deers in a year or two, lost all power, flooded house, no electricity, dog fighting etc. sounds like Detroit except for the deer thing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LisaKane said:


> A healthy plant grows where it is planted.I have and can live anywhere where my home is..and my home is my spouse. You thought marriage was about ...what? Change your mind or live without your man...nothing more simple than that. It is all about your mind....your thoughts...your expectations of what your story looks like. Good luck.


A healthy plant does not grow where it is planted. It grows if it is planted in good/healthy soil and gets the right amounts of nutrients, water and sun.

Two plants, planted in the same soil, with the same conditions will grow differently because they have different needs.


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## Sunshower (Jun 25, 2015)

Thanks again guys...

I live in rural Eastern Kentucky. Lived in Lexington until meeting/marrying the H. We met while he was there for work. Did the long distance (kinda... approx 2hrs) thing for a while. At the time I worked in the hospital so it was 1 week oncall/work and 1 week off. So we got to see a lot of each other... anyway... 

I've always had a "f**k it point" when it comes to relationships... ya know, the point you reach when you try and do and then one day something happens and you're like "eh... F**K IT", lol... 

And I can't remember who posted it but I most certainly have read "A Man's Search for Meaning". He was in a death camp and the only choice he had to make was to live or die... I am somewhat a little higher on Maslows Hierarchy of Needs (see what I did there?!? Jumped between TWO different psychological philosophies... 8 years of college) 

Thank you guys again. I am going to try talking to him one more time and ask for a deadline and make it clear what will happen in the event it doesn't happen... then I'll start preparing. 

Such is life...


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## Sunshower (Jun 25, 2015)

Oh and I will not run along with horses, dogs, goats (or the like) while pushing my son... well honestly, I wouldn't do it solo. Those horses were so freaking excited to have escaped that they were hauling ass down the middle of the road... nope.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

I'm going to be one more voice for leniency.

Unless your husband is an accountant, pharmacist, or other ubiquitous professional, it's not really in his control when he gets a job where you want to live. He can only try. If you know for a fact he isn't trying, then that is an issue.

When I met my wife I lived in the middle of the city. Right next to City Hall. I told her I would move for her, thirty minutes north of nowhere. I looked for two years to come a job that would let me move for her, but no luck. She moved for me when she was ready and not before. Now we live on the edge of the city I once lived in the middle of. At least here, we have enough space to store ample emergency supplies.

As for the convenience factor, I would encourage you to talk to someone from Boston about last year's snowfall, about the day the city shut down to find the bomber, and about the week when they couldn't drink the water. I would ask someone from NYC about Hurricane Sandy. I would read about the snow emergency in Atlanta.

Ask people in cities for horror stories about their neighbors. There will be plenty. There are entire pockets of urban centers that are as bad as what you describe. Likewise I know people who live in the country and don't act like idiots. Maybe moving a few miles could make a big difference.

Your husband must stop minimizing your feelings.

I'm simply not convinced that living in the country is causing these issues or that living in the city will solve them.


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## Sunshower (Jun 25, 2015)

Thanks... I agree that this is probably a symptom and not the illness itself. He doesn't do well with real emotions. Scary huh. He was in war and saw people get blown up... literally. Only really talks about it if he is drunk (it's not often). I can explicitly explain to him I need him to try to understand my side of an argument and he will adamantly dispute it to no end.... I don't need him to agree... just understand. I don't want move to Boston or NYC. There is a fun little college town about an hour from where we live now that would be great. And as far as him getting a job. He would have to put in for a transfer... but they have to have an opening where he wants to go... and there have been. One day he did come home from work and say that there was an opening In Ga. So I took my then 6mo son there and spent the week looking at houses to rent and called a few potential jobs (for me)... hell I even checked out the local YMCA ... he forgot about the closing date on the job and didn't apply!!! Now, this is a man who retired for the USMC and has a high level govt job and he just 'forgot'... no. He has lived outside of Seattle and said he liked the area but hated his boss so transferred here and that's when I met him. It seems like anything super serious and/or difficult he has a problem with discussing it. Maybe I approach it wrong? Maybe words like "I feel" just slam all the doors in his head... I dunno.


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