# Secret phone calls, texting ... whats next



## crystalclear1 (Aug 18, 2010)

ok I don't know if this will help but I think I will feel better just getting some stuff out and I am a bundle of nerves and not really sure what I should do next.

The Background we have been married for 20 years have two teenage children. My husbands job has required him to travel at least 5 day a week for the last 6 years. My mom passed away two years ago from a long battle with cancer. Naturally the years leading up to her death we spent with just trying to be there for her and the rest of the family and putting ourselves last. Since her death its been about trying to help my grandparents and father cope and holding everyone together. My mom was really the rock in our family. So its been very hard on me and the rest of us. 

well all this thinking of other has caught up with my marriage. It's not surprising really but Its something I didnt want to happen and wasnt prepared for.

My husband is really a great guy. I have followed him all over the country to pursue his career goals and to allow me to be a stay at home mother and there for my kids. Which my mother never had the opportunity to do.

Well my husband has a apartment out of town, because of the job he has. He has single guy rooming with him the last several months. He is not a big drinker but more and more he was going out with the "guys" or guys and girls after work for drinks. Lately he has to work more weekends.

Well about a month ago he confessed to me that he was feeling guilty because he was flirting more then he should when he was out drinking. Nothing came of the flirting, but he felt bad and wished it was us going out and that we needed to dedicate more time to us. He also ask me if I thought I ever thuoght we go throught phases in life and maybe everything isnt meant to last forever (that one scared the hell out of me, it;s not what a wife wnat to hear to say the least)The problem is where we live we have grown away from our old friends because he is out of town all the time so when we go out its just us and he doesnt really have the kind of fun he is having with his coworkers. I was upset but we talked alot and he agreed he wanted to work on us.

Well after questioning him more about his guilt he confessed that he was having confused feelings for a lady he had worked with for the last 4 -5 years. recently she and her boyfriend broke up so i am guessing she has been crying on my husbands shouldrer. We talked about it and the going out and I expressed to him how I didnt think it was good to be going out drinking wiht girl coworkers that when he is out of town he is just inviting trouble, he didnt exactly agree with me but kinda agreed to curtail the drinking and bars during the week and try to get home more on the weekends

Ok so in attempt to breath some new life into our life I planned a last minute vacation that he had always wanted to go on and tried to plan lots of fun and exciting activiites for all of us in hopes that it would bring us together. He was very excited about the trip and I thought it went pretty good. The only down side is staying in hotels for 8 days with teenagers leaves no time for itimacy which I think is what we probably need more of. 

So now were home and he is gone backk on the road, I was going to post some vaca pics to his facebook and when I went on I saw a message from you know who saying "can you talk now" 
So my mind was racing and i was upset but didnt say anything to him. Look back the next day and it was deleted.

So then I dont know why but I decided to get online and look at our cell phone records which I have never done ( I did that on the suggestion of a friend...i guess i have always just trusted him) Well what a shocker! Starting in June these two have been haviing conversations 110 min, 60min , 80 min and lots of texting. On top of that i see while we were on vacation he made a several calls to her as well as texting. That realllllly hurt. I couldn't believe my husband who is always tired and never has much to say is up till 1230 at night talking to this lady.

Well needless to say I'm crushed, I have no trust, and I see whats going on but don't know what to do first or next.

I make very little money on my own, I have worked partime but can't even imagine making ends meet by myself. I'm scared, mad, hurt, and feel so betrayed. 
My kids are almost grown and I feel like I am going to be all alone after giving him the best years of my life. 
My family and friends all adore him and put him on a pedestal and I cant bear to talk with anyone about it. 
Not sure there is anything you could say to all this rambling but thanks for listening .


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

What's next is that you need to have enough evidence to prove to some degree what you suspect.

You'll confront him - he'll lie and deny. Tell you stories that make no sense. Try to turn it around on you - "how dare you look at the phone bill and question ME? You are the one snooping around and can't be trusted!"

Just read around in this section. They all basically follow a script. Pick out 3 or 4 of the threads that have a larger number of posts and do some reading. You'll find out exactly what to expect.

Financially - what's his right now is yours as long as you didn't sign a prenup. 

Personally - if you get the right evidence, you can expose him for the creep he is to all those who have him on a pedestal.

Maybe there's a reasonable explanation, but I would continue to snoop for a bit longer. If you try to talk to him now about what you've found, he'll just hide things deeper.

So sorry.


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## crystalclear1 (Aug 18, 2010)

Thanks for taking time to respond.
I agree with everything you said. I know I need to just keep my mouth shut and give him enough rope. I guess what I wonder about is say nothing physical has happened yet. Do I really want to ( or even can I) keep pretending everything is normal and try to get things in line for myself. Or am I just prolonging the pain. Should I just call it quits, the trust is gone and move on. My kids are older, but it breaks my heart to have to put them through all this. My mom was divorced three times I was determined to keep my family together. btw this happened with another co worker about 7 years ago, nothing physical according to him but he was emotionally confused and didnt think he ever loved me.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I don't want to say that the physical part doesn't matter - but the damage to the trust is already done regardless.

And I wouldn't wait too much longer - I'd just snoop harder.

Also - stay or go is a decision that you will have some hand in. Most people here will strongly encourage you to confront him and work on the marriage. You've been through it - and made it - once before. Trust can be rebuilt (or so I've been told) with a lot of hard work.

The pain is going to be prolonged...these things don't start in a day and are never fixed in a day. It isn't a sprint. There is no quick fix. You will have to have some patience.

Sorry I'm not exactly a great welcoming committee here...


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Nice guy gave you the best advice. Same thing happened to me, and I wish I had done what NG said instead of confronting him on the spot without a plan. I was way too trusting. Look for posts from affaircare on here, as well as go to marriagebuilders.com. Good luck.


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## crystalclear1 (Aug 18, 2010)

Thanks Niceguy, I appreciate all the good advice. Its so sad everyone in the extended family looks to us because we have stayed together so long and weathered our share of storms. But unfortunately I am not seeing a good outcome. I am feeling like he doesnt have feeling for me, all we beeen through and he is putting people that have done so little for him before his family. I just don't understand it. With his work situation it took a lot of trust for me to be able to deal with him being on the road all week . I had to put blind faith into to him, an dnow that gone. I dont want to be that paranoid, questioning wife that makes every man crazy. I think I'd rather walk away. 

Thank you both for responding. It helps greatly to talk about it.


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## wilted_flower (Jul 25, 2010)

crystalclear, I'm not excusing any of his actions and let me just say that I, too have been the betrayed spouse in an emotional affair. I just want to counsel you to try and delay making any long term decisions until the shock and anger wears down a little. 

You're hurting right now, and understandable so. Your husband is making very poor behavior choices which are causing you and your relationship great stress and pain. 

I would advise you to see a counselor, or a therapist. There's so much that happens within the betrayed mind that it's important to make sure that you are taking care of yourself and truly acting in your best interest. 

In my situation, my spouse has turned out to be very verbally and emotionally abusive, so I am moving out in three weeks. If your husband treats you less than you deserve, then of course this would be the exception. Make sure that above all else, you are respecting yourself, and putting yourself first. 

See somebody who can help you put your emotional self back together. Go to a women's resource center to find out what your rights are. And just give it a little time so that any decision you make will be truly in your best interest, whether you choose to leave or you choose to stay. 

And, I do think you should talk to him. Just make sure you really want to open that can of worms. The rabbit hole might not spit you out again. 

Good luck, my friend. I wish you the best.


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