# What a crappy Marriage? Things gotta change



## Thisgottachange (Apr 12, 2013)

Hey, I need hep- lots of help

Mine is a classic situation of how things can go wrong. I rushed into a come- we stay marriage after only meeting her for 2 months. Even those 2 months raised red flags that I ignored, a fact that I have come to rue with much regret. After 9 years and 2 lovely daughters, our marriage must end, or drastically change if we are to avoid this eventuality.

Generally, probably because our marriage had no vows, or we simply never valued each other much after such a short courtship, we both never showed much respect for it. From the initial stage, ours has been characterized by lies, deceit, affairs, distrust and all wrong things that can happen. She has cheated on me, so have I. We continue to lead two separate lives with no shared goals, dreams, finances. Really, nothing. 

So you may ask, so what do you then want? Since there doesn't seem to be any marriage anyway, what is there even to separate or divorce from? Well, we did a traditional ceremony, but which I don't expect many readers will understand, or even appreciate. But it is very nearly a formal marriage, and supposed to adhere to normal marriage tenets. Now of late, I have really questioned this marriage, Nd how we have conducted it. I have tried hard to tell my wife that we need to change. We need to really change direction and run a proper marriage. I have told her that am not happy, and neither is she. We either reconfigure and re work this marriage or we end it. I have told her that we need to build trust, which is at zero currently. I have told her that we must make a conscious decision to wot out a proper marriage based on respect, care for each other, support, honesty- basically trust. 

Well, she is not ready for any of this. She is happy to drag along. I suspect she has a serious affair put of this marriage, and she is in fog. She is happy to be in this marriage as it is without us changing anything. She doesn't want to sweat it out at all. I told her that we need to be open and stop suspicion. To me the first place to start was to get rid of all passwords in our phones and laptops, share bank pass codes, be open about us and allow each other into each other's lives. She will have none of it. Even when I told her I will end the marriage as a result, the hasn't bulged. Instead she has chosen to not want to sit with me even for a minute, she leaves early in the morning and comes back at night straight to her room. I told her I will move out( I can't call it divorce because as you can see we were not officially married) but she thinks am bluffing. I seriously want to now ed this charade and I truly feel for my two lovely kids, 8 and 6. I need adivise. She is otherwise a very good mother and she comes from a family that believes in never ending a marriage, so I think that constrains her a lot. Good people, what do I do?


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Simply put---no trust, no relationship. However, in no case should you let this turn into abuse on your part. Especially since kids are involved. I got divorced when my son was 9 months old after a highly dysfunctional marriage. Looking back it was the best thing for him. He's happy and I cherish the time we have together. He doesn't have to watch me get hit, or be called awful names. 

There's a lot of work to be done here, and it can't be done if she's still goofing around with other dudes.

Kind regards, 

DB


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## Thisgottachange (Apr 12, 2013)

DB,

Thanks for your reply and encouraging words. And am so sorry not to have posted earlier. There so much going on on my end(what with a new business am setting up?) but now I will keep all posted on progress in my end.

Yes trust is a must for a relationship. And that is what my thesis to her is all about.

Yesterday morning when she came to pick something in our room when I was in bed ( we now live in separate bedrooms) I told her that we need to talk about the future of our 2 children. She agreed that yes, we should set time to discuss that. She them left the houseand came back at 8.30pm at night. Straight away she went to her bedroom. At 10 pm I called her out. Clearly, ha I g this discussion was not what she wanted. 

Am clear in my mind that without our agreeing to rebuild trust there is no marriage here. Instead she, like I expected began re- telling all the bad things that have gone wrong in our marriage siting many incidents, all of them my fault and failures of course, and this went on for like over an hour. I agreed with her that a lot has gone wrong, buy unless she commits to us removing barriers to re-building trust, the I want out. She was all talk how the separation is good, how she regrets being in this marriage, how there are many things to be addressed before we talk trust, a whole lot of crap really. No trust, no marriage. That is my simple mantra.

Trust to me starts with removng all FC passwords and all email passwords. Per my earlier post she has bee living I'm a private virtual world. And am to a degree guilty also. But these passwords create so much fertile ground for wrecking marriages I don't know how any marriage can exists with them.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Why would you leave? Why not ask her to leave? I'll be honest, this doesn't look like its gonna end on a positive note. You have to have something to build something more, there's no foundation to build on here, other than the child. theres a LOT to overcome, can it be done, sure I guess. But, it takes two working at it, she's already disconnected from the relationship, which is gonna make this virtually impossible. Sorry your having to go thru this.


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