# How a BS feels when cheating comes up in a casual conversation



## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

As an off-shoot from my other thread about WS's feeling "relief" when Dday came, the situation started with me in a casual group conversation that turned to the topic of adultery.

In my case, no one knows that I am a BS.( Actually, I am certain that my family and friends would be totally shocked to know my real story). I kept quiet during the conversation as 2 other divorced women told their stories. I was triggering the whole time of course, and afraid that if I opened my mouth to contribute to the conversation I just might fall to pieces right there. I think I pulled it off. Lord knows I was grateful when the subject changed!

My question is :Have any of you other BS's been stuck in this kind of dilemma where you know you could probably share some useful insight on the A topic but have had to keep quiet and not let on that you are "in the BS club"? How did you handle it? What about when it happens while you are with your WS?


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

still so sad said:


> As an off-shoot from my other thread about WS's feeling "relief" when Dday came, the situation started with me in a casual group conversation that turned to the topic of adultery.
> 
> In my case, no one knows that I am a BS.( Actually, I am certain that my family and friends would be totally shocked to know my real story). I kept quiet during the conversation as 2 other divorced women told their stories. I was triggering the whole time of course, and afraid that if I opened my mouth to contribute to the conversation I just might fall to pieces right there. I think I pulled it off. Lord knows I was grateful when the subject changed!
> 
> My question is :Have any of you other BS's been stuck in this kind of dilemma where you know you could probably share some useful insight on the A topic but have had to keep quiet and not let on that you are "in the BS club"? How did you handle it? What about when it happens while you are with your WS?


I used to not care one bit about adultery unless it affected a close friend or family member. Even then my wife and I always took comfort in knowing that was something we'd never have to worry about.

Now I care. Oh hell yes I care. If anyone I know is cheating on their spouse then I'm going to dime them out. People might say "it's none of your business" but having been the victim of it I WHOLE-HEARTEDLY DISAGREE. Knowing the pain of being a BS I know that the WS has committed a crime every bit as bad as murder. In some ways worse because at least the murder victim is no longer feeling any pain. I've often said it would have been way better if my wife had just shot me in the head.

When that subject comes up now I'm very vocal about it. Cheaters are filthy scum and should be publicly called that. I'm sorry in your case you didn't expose it to everyone. That's an important step otherwise the cheaters somewhat get away with it.

I can't watch TV shows or movies where there is adultery. I actually get nauseous. I have trouble reading some of the fresh stories here because it reminds me of how bad it hurts. I'm in the process of R with my FWW but we don't spend enough time together that it has come up outside our situation. We don't really have many friends anymore. Our best friends were the couple that her husband and my wife cheated with so you can see we don't have them to talk to.

One day at work some guys were talking about some celebrity that cheated on their spouse. I heard them. When I walked up to join in they abruptly changed the subject out of respect to my situation. I felt weird and awkward but a little grateful that the subject changed.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Yes, I've been in that situation. I simply made my views known real simple by saying something to the effect of "cheaters are pieces of sh*t".

That usually takes care of anymore infidelity talk...in person anyway.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

My girl knows I have trust issues. I am a work in progress but I try. I never tolerated adultery. I never will and people do not speak of it front of me. I think they know better. I am not shy about being who I am and saying wrong is wrong.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Many of you may find it hard to believe, but even some of us "wayward spouses" find the topic difficult as well if broached. It may not evoke the same emotional response(s) as the partner betrayed, but remorse, guilt, shame, sadness...yeah...we feel it too.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

MountainRunner said:


> Many of you may find it hard to believe, but even some of us "wayward spouses" find the topic difficult as well if broached. It may not evoke the same emotional response(s) as the partner betrayed, but remorse, guilt, shame, sadness...yeah...we feel it too.


Oh I quite imagine. I was never a WS. So if I just imagine if I were, and the topic came up around the table, I'd pretend to be interested in something else across the room and not really listening....because what could I really say?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

MountainRunner said:


> Many of you may find it hard to believe, but even some of us "wayward spouses" find the topic difficult as well if broached. It may not evoke the same emotional response(s) as the partner betrayed, but remorse, guilt, shame, sadness...yeah...we feel it too.


I believe you. If a person is truly remorseful they have my respect. There is nothing wrong with wanting to move on with your life. I hope you have made amends and are moving forward with your life. Good luck to you.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

It was more difficult after Dday 1 when I was keeping exposure limited to an inner circle. After Dday 2 and full exposure / termination of the marriage it started getting easier.

Note that I said easier, not easy. I still have a tendency to take a very aggressive anti cheater stance. Most understand, but to those not touched by adultery, they think I'm a little over the top.

I have a difficult problem with some friends. Well, ex friends. They still go to my church, but both cheated on their spouses with each other, got divorced and now they are 'dating'. We used to do 'couple' outings, game nights, baseball games and such as couples back when we were all married to our original spouses. They keep asking me to join them for dinner, but the thought disgusts me.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

This has happened recently at work. I became rather vocal and let my opinion about it be very well known. To the point that I was physically angry.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Acoa said:


> It was more difficult after Dday 1 when I was keeping exposure limited to an inner circle. After Dday 2 and full exposure / termination of the marriage it started getting easier.
> 
> Note that I said easier, not easy. I still have a tendency to take a very aggressive anti cheater stance. Most understand, but to those not touched by adultery, they think I'm a little over the top.
> 
> I have a difficult problem with some friends. Well, ex friends. They still go to my church, but both cheated on their spouses with each other, got divorced and now they are 'dating'. We used to do 'couple' outings, game nights, baseball games and such as couples back when we were all married to our original spouses. They keep asking me to join them for dinner, but the thought disgusts me.


I find it hilarious when "good" church-going folks cheat on their spouses. That's a hoot!


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

KingwoodKev said:


> I find it hilarious when "good" church-going folks cheat on their spouses. That's a hoot!


While I get where you are going, I can't do anything but see hurt and despair when I see cheating, regardless of where it is going on at and who it is. It always makes me sick knowing there is a BS somewhere. If I had the ability, I would do something about it.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

altawa said:


> While I get where you are going, I can't do anything but see hurt and despair when I see cheating, regardless of where it is going on at and who it is. It always makes me sick knowing there is a BS somewhere. If I had the ability, I would do something about it.


I hear you. I've thought about starting a side business to expose cheaters to the light of day. I've read some stories where BS's have created profiles on A$hley [email protected] just so they can get some bites, arrange some hook-ups, then expose the cheaters. That's pretty awesome. A valuable community service.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

KingwoodKev said:


> I hear you. I've thought about starting a side business to expose cheaters to the light of day. I've read some stories where BS's have created profiles on A$hley [email protected] just so they can get some bites, arrange some hook-ups, then expose the cheaters. That's pretty awesome. A valuable community service.


Could be interesting.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

KingwoodKev said:


> I find it hilarious when "good" church-going folks cheat on their spouses. That's a hoot!


*It's painful as hell! I've seen it literally tear families apart and simply paralyze congregations, greatly contingent upon who did the cheating and what station they held within the church!

As with any and all infidelity, it ain't exactly fun!*


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *It's painful as hell! I've seen it literally tear families apart and simply paralyze congregations, greatly contingent upon who did the cheating and what station they held within the church!*


I'm not religious but I've read the bible cover to cover. It's a good read. I wonder if these cheaters have actually read it? They should look up Deuteronomy 22:22. If they are true followers then what do they think should be done to them for cheating?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

KingwoodKev said:


> I'm not religious but I've read the bible cover to cover. It's a good read. I wonder if these cheaters have actually read it? They should look up Deuteronomy 22:22. If they are true followers then what do they think should be done to them for cheating?


*They don't, Kev! I'm a proud United Methodist, and sad to say, that I've seen more than my fair share of people who don't think that the scriptures pertain to them, or blameshift ~ one of the things that cheaters are most famous for!

Deuteronomy, being Old Testament, is under the "Old Covenant." which were far more harsher rules than under the "New Covenant" ~ the New Testament.
Good to see that for an"unreligious" guy, you are somewhat conversent with the Bible! If you ever have problems deciphering any of it, just send me a PM. If I know the answer, I'll give it to you; if not, I'll research it and relay it to you!*


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

KingwoodKev said:


> I'm not religious but I've read the bible cover to cover. It's a good read. I wonder if these cheaters have actually read it? They should look up Deuteronomy 22:22. If they are true followers then what do they think should be done to them for cheating?



It was really pathetic. Started with a very damaged woman. They lived near my in laws, and lots of trouble in that home. The in laws place was a safe haven her kids could come to when things got ugly. 

She was very flirty with everyone. I always kept my distance. You can just sense some people are trouble. She is.

She slept with 2 different guys in the congregation. Luckily no one in leadership. But still, it destroyed 3 families. In a real soap opera worthy twist the wives of both her OM are sisters, and mom and dad go to the same church.

She doesn't go to Sunday school, doesn't even attend regularly. The sisters who were crushed and I have formed a strong bond as we get each other's pain. We really wish these two would stop coming. But maybe God has some other plan. 

I don't consider them good Christians. They are the lost broken ones Christ came back to save. Too bad they are not paying attention.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Originally Posted by KingwoodKev View Post
I'm not religious but I've read the bible cover to cover. It's a good read. I wonder if these cheaters have actually read it? They should look up Deuteronomy 22:22. If they are true followers then what do they think should be done to them for cheating?

Originally Posted by Arbitrator:

They don't, Kev! I'm a proud United Methodist, and sad to say, that I've seen more than my fair share of people who don't think that the scriptures pertain to them, or blameshift ~ one of the things that cheaters are most famous for!

*****************************************************

I almost passed this post (with Re to the Church by)... I have been in the Evangelical Christian movement over 40 years...

I met my WW at church...I have seen more bullsh%t go on in the church than I care to recall...Today I am sickened by it...

The Divorce rate for Evangelical Christians is within 2% of the rest of the country ..Either the church is doing a very poor job with re to Infidelity and Marriage or are as you stated they think"This dosent pertain to me". Or maybe both...

My WW taught Sunday School for 18 years...was almost prudish...went back to work ...was flattered by a younger Boss and turned into his Who&e and did everything imaginable (sex) acts with him ..and did Acts with Him she said was "disgusting" for 22 years...but she did them with him...

Some of my Dear Chrisatian Brothers..(what a joke)...had the [email protected] Audacity to imply I was at fault...Jesus..

When the truth came out re: pics and phone text NO ONE had anything to say... ...No One..wow

Needless to say my view of the church has changed greatly...

My faith is better but my view of the Formal Church is ambivalent these days...Badkarma


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

As a WS of an EA, who lived in the Grey area a long time and grew up with cheating as the norm, I now find it very uncomfortable to hear. I am very vocal about it being wrong no matter what form. I hurt for my husband, and feel extreme guilt, shame, embarrassment, like a pile of crap.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

unsureone said:


> As a WS of an EA, who lived in the Grey area a long time and grew up with cheating as the norm, I now find it very uncomfortable to hear. I am very vocal about it being wrong no matter what form. I hurt for my husband, and feel extreme guilt, shame, embarrassment, like a pile of crap.


I do not know your story...not asking to condemn ...What caused you to pursue an EA.??

Just curious....Thank you ...Badkarma


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

badkarma2013 said:


> unsureone said:
> 
> 
> > As a WS of an EA, who lived in the Grey area a long time and grew up with cheating as the norm, I now find it very uncomfortable to hear. I am very vocal about it being wrong no matter what form. I hurt for my husband, and feel extreme guilt, shame, embarrassment, like a pile of crap.
> ...



I was lonely. Needing attention. Just after the birth of our first child and on opposite shifts. Instead of going to my husband, I enjoyed conversation with a customer and it went into the wrong direction. I played it by some imaginary line I drew that if I didn't say the inappropriate things then I wasn't cheating, and I knew it was wrong, but was starved for attention. Blaming my H for everything. I ended it when he wanted to meet. I convinced myself it wasn't cheating but vowed to NEVER flirt, talk or enjoy male conversation again. But I half truthed it to my H. Trying to wipe my guilt.

Loneliness and selfishness. Those are the reasons. 

I grew up with parents who routinely had PA and thought that was cheating. I am a Selfish selfish person.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

In my day job I get press releases several times a month from UK-based affair websites.

Before my wife's affair they intrigued me and irritated me

Now they make me feel sick and angry.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

unsureone said:


> I was lonely. Needing attention. Just after the birth of our first child and on opposite shifts. Instead of going to my husband, I enjoyed conversation with a customer and it went into the wrong direction. I played it by some imaginary line I drew that if I didn't say the inappropriate things then I wasn't cheating, and I knew it was wrong, but was starved for attention. Blaming my H for everything. I ended it when he wanted to meet. I convinced myself it wasn't cheating but vowed to NEVER flirt, talk or enjoy male conversation again. But I half truthed it to my H. Trying to wipe my guilt.
> 
> Loneliness and selfishness. Those are the reasons.
> 
> I grew up with parents who routinely had PA and thought that was cheating. I am a Selfish selfish person.




Listen...if your husband can get over it ...YOU can to... In the past I have had an immense dislike for WWs...But you sound as though you have paid enough for all of us...

Again if he has forgiven you and wants to move forward...You do the same ...forgive Yourself and move on knowing you will never move in that direction again..

I wish you the best ...Your EA was a Choice ...A bad choice..But a choice none the less..our choices ,we are responsible and accountable for...But they DO NOT define who we are...

May you find peace for you and your family...Badkarma


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

The first 2 years I hung my head under such shame over my h affair. The humiliation was so great I couldn't even be around people themselves let alone have a conversation about infidelity. 
Part of the 3rd year I started to accept infidelity happened in my life, but now going into my 4 year out... If hear, or find out there is a cheater amongst the bunch they get an earful now, I dont stay quite. 

~sammy


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

unsureone said:


> I was lonely. Needing attention. Just after the birth of our first child and on opposite shifts. Instead of going to my husband, I enjoyed conversation with a customer and it went into the wrong direction. I played it by some imaginary line I drew that if I didn't say the inappropriate things then I wasn't cheating, and I knew it was wrong, but was starved for attention. Blaming my H for everything. I ended it when he wanted to meet. I convinced myself it wasn't cheating but vowed to NEVER flirt, talk or enjoy male conversation again. But I half truthed it to my H. Trying to wipe my guilt.
> 
> Loneliness and selfishness. Those are the reasons.
> 
> I grew up with parents who routinely had PA and thought that was cheating. I am a Selfish selfish person.



You know, I'm a BS of the highest magnitude and I loathe cheaters but I will tell you this. If this is everything you did and you're being truthful then you're not a lost cause. Yes, you did cheat. EA's are cheating. Still, before it went too much further your conscience got the best of you and you ended it. Vowing to never flirt or even have OSF's mean you didn't lose your values. You're not a bad person. You're a good person who did something bad. There is a difference. People who go into full affairs and lie to everyone, even their children, cross the line. They're not good people who have done something bad. They are bad people. Only a bad person can go that far. The reason you didn't go that far is because you're a good person who did something bad. Your journey to redemption is a little easier because you yourself knew it was wrong and stopped. Bad people are also redeemable but they have a much more challenging journey to get there. They first have to recognize and admit that they are bad people. There's no hope for them until they do. That doesn't apply to you. I wish you well, I really do and I rarely wish WS's well.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

KingwoodKev said:


> Acoa said:
> 
> 
> > It was more difficult after Dday 1 when I was keeping exposure limited to an inner circle. After Dday 2 and full exposure / termination of the marriage it started getting easier.
> ...


Yup
my ex H n his entire family r pious folks who pray constantly n r church elders n leaders. They borrowed my money n not pay back. N spent till my ex went into debts that I paid. Then they poison my ex to resent me till we fought n he hit me. 

So much for these pious church folks. Think they will land in hell. 

But I still believe God exist. Just the people screw up.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> KingwoodKev said:
> 
> 
> > I'm not religious but I've read the bible cover to cover. It's a good read. I wonder if these cheaters have actually read it? They should look up Deuteronomy 22:22. If they are true followers then what do they think should be done to them for cheating?
> ...


Yes
I questioned my ex n his family, what will God do to them, God sees they "stole n rob" my money N destroyed my marriage. 

They said that they get forgiveness daily under new testament!!!!!


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