# After 5 years!



## Amk Bem

jlg07 said:


> Welcome back -- are there any posts to your old story?
> Anyway, hopefully you can help others going through the same thing.
> 
> Are you having issues NOW that brought you back?


Yes, I believe my story is still here, but I can't remember what was my username and which email account I used... so I had to create another user.

I think I'm doing ok, I'm a new person now. In these 5 years I met new friends, travelled a lot, got new hobbies and dated a lot.
But recently I caught myself thinking about reconciliation again... ex husband married the OW (people say that they fight a lot), he wanted to do different stuff in life, midlife crisis kinda stuff, but it was ME that did tons of different stuff and even dated half of the city 🙂
My intention was to post in the post-divorce topic to see if anybody has already been on that place. 

I'm not sure if I want to reconcile, even because there is no marriage to come back to anymore. I am a different person now. I wouldn't wash his underwear never again 🙂
But it sounded ok in my mind to date him again, with new perspectives.
Maybe I'm going crazy.


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## Amk Bem

Hello everybody... my story is somewhere in this website but I couldn't find my username or email I used... so I created a new account here.

Me and my ex husband are divorced for 5 years now. It was really hard for me in the beginning because it was unexpected and we had a baby.

But as time passed by, my only way out was to work on me, or else I would go crazy. I found new friends, dated a lot, and my ex husband even said to me that he was so sad I did some other things when we splitted that he wanted me to have done while we were together. My life changed a lot, I have a full agenda of social events and of course I'm better looking now too.

Well, he married the OW. The funniest of it all is that he wanted to have other experiences. But now he is still with the second woman of his life, while I have been dating a lot.

We're both wealthy. We grew up financially together, we made money together. OW lost her job 3 years ago and he supports her since then.

Our relationship is good, but to achieve my recovery I had to avoid him and we only talk about our child. He said he wanted to be my friend, but that was not possible for me.

Well, we are a little closer now because we're doing some difficult negotiation on the last house we own together. And on the other day, I felt so sad (with other stuff than relationships) and he was there for me.

After that, I realized he has been kind to me. And I started thinking about reconciliation. 

"What if we tried again after all the things we lived apart?"
"What if we dated and lived in separate houses to start again?"
"What if he has always been waiting for an overture from me?"

Well, this is crazy I know, but has any of you here had the same "what ifs" after so long?

He complains to me about the OW. She sleeps all day long, she snores... people say to me they fight a lot.

Do you think I should just act weirdly to see how far it goes? I mean, act with overture, be nice... I can't be so direct because there's a possibility that he's just being nice and doesn't want me.


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## sunsetmist

Everyone has their own thing, but why would you want a cheating Ex who left you with a baby for the other woman? Why would you want to save him from the sleeping, snoring, arguing OW who he now has to support? Soon, if not already, he will be looking to find new sexual experiences--he has already had you. He wanted you to change--but that is just an excuse. Don't let him influence you with his brand of 'kindness'.


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## ButtPunch

You need to leave it alone. 

Put a rubber band around your wrist and pop it every time this 
enters your mind again.


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## RebuildingMe

Bad, bad idea. Do you want to be the OW in his second marriage? He’s a cheater, and he’s looking to drag you into his world of deception.


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## Amk Bem

sunsetmist said:


> Everyone has their own thing, but why would you want a cheating Ex who left you with a baby for the other woman? Why would you want to save him from the sleeping, snoring, arguing OW who he now has to support? Soon, if not already, he will be looking to find new sexual experiences--he has already had you. He wanted you to change--but that is just an excuse. Don't let him influence you with his brand of 'kindness'.


Wow, I loved your message, that's why I posted here instead of the Reconciliation topic.
Thanks!
I agree with you. I walked this road for 5 years alone and it was hard, as you from this topic know well. But it's also great to become a better version of ourselves. 

My greatest concern is to lose this achievement. 

I fell in love some times in these 5 years but I never found anyone that really cared about me. I know that he cares.
Of course I still have all these fantasies of me being cruel with him if he comes back, not giving him insurance and so on.

I wanted revenge so badly that I feel happy with all these stories of snoring and stuff he and people tell me. People send me pictures of them together always mocking on them. OW is a pathetic figure. They are a strange couple.

But... I think I'm just tired, you know?


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## Amk Bem

ButtPunch said:


> You need to leave it alone.
> 
> Put a rubber band around your wrist and pop it every time this
> enters your mind again.


Great idea


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## Amk Bem

RebuildingMe said:


> Bad, bad idea. Do you want to be the OW in his second marriage? He’s a cheater, and he’s looking to drag you into his world of deception.


No, I would never be the OW.
Never.
I would never flirt with any married man. I mean, the overture I would give him would be just to check if he considers reconciliation. It's not flirting, it's subtle.


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## Diana7

Amk Bem said:


> Hello everybody... my story is somewhere in this website but I couldn't find my username or email I used... so I created a new account here.
> 
> Me and my ex husband are divorced for 5 years now. It was really hard for me in the beginning because it was unexpected and we had a baby.
> 
> But as time passed by, my only way out was to work on me, or else I would go crazy. I found new friends, dated a lot, and my ex husband even said to me that he was so sad I did some other things when we splitted that he wanted me to have done while we were together. My life changed a lot, I have a full agenda of social events and of course I'm better looking now too.
> 
> Well, he married the OW. The funniest of it all is that he wanted to have other experiences. But now he is still with the second woman of his life, while I have been dating a lot.
> 
> We're both wealthy. We grew up financially together, we made money together. OW lost her job 3 years ago and he supports her since then.
> 
> Our relationship is good, but to achieve my recovery I had to avoid him and we only talk about our child. He said he wanted to be my friend, but that was not possible for me.
> 
> Well, we are a little closer now because we're doing some difficult negotiation on the last house we own together. And on the other day, I felt so sad (with other stuff than relationships) and he was there for me.
> 
> After that, I realized he has been kind to me. And I started thinking about reconciliation.
> 
> "What if we tried again after all the things we lived apart?"
> "What if we dated and lived in separate houses to start again?"
> "What if he has always been waiting for an overture from me?"
> 
> Well, this is crazy I know, but has any of you here had the same "what ifs" after so long?
> 
> He complains to me about the OW. She sleeps all day long, she snores... people say to me they fight a lot.
> 
> Do you think I should just act weirdly to see how far it goes? I mean, act with overture, be nice... I can't be so direct because there's a possibility that he's just being nice and doesn't want me.


SO he cheated on you with her, married her, and now you are thinking of sounding him out and enjoying the fact that he complains about his wife and hasn't changed one bit. What a mess. 
I have no idea at all why you would want anything to do with a man who has no concept of faithfulness or integrity. 
BTW all cheaters complain about their wives, he would have done the same with you to her.

My advise is to stay right away. He is married and thus spoken for and he isn't a good husband.


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## Tilted 1

Exactly, as Diana said, you thinking of your cheating backstabbing-unfaithful - trickster - lying - low life - pea brain - loser of a man. Why???

Wow you need maybe volunteer at a woman's shelter and see the hard lives they live. You and your child need a true type loving honorable loyal giving selflessness devoted protecting Happy humorous caring reassuring warrior type!!

Leave that roadkill where it belongs on the curb.


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## sokillme

Amk Bem said:


> Hello everybody... my story is somewhere in this website but I couldn't find my username or email I used... so I created a new account here.
> 
> Me and my ex husband are divorced for 5 years now. It was really hard for me in the beginning because it was unexpected and we had a baby.
> 
> But as time passed by, my only way out was to work on me, or else I would go crazy. I found new friends, dated a lot, and my ex husband even said to me that he was so sad I did some other things when we splitted that he wanted me to have done while we were together. My life changed a lot, I have a full agenda of social events and of course I'm better looking now too.
> 
> Well, he married the OW. The funniest of it all is that he wanted to have other experiences. But now he is still with the second woman of his life, while I have been dating a lot.
> 
> We're both wealthy. We grew up financially together, we made money together. OW lost her job 3 years ago and he supports her since then.
> 
> Our relationship is good, but to achieve my recovery I had to avoid him and we only talk about our child. He said he wanted to be my friend, but that was not possible for me.
> 
> Well, we are a little closer now because we're doing some difficult negotiation on the last house we own together. And on the other day, I felt so sad (with other stuff than relationships) and he was there for me.
> 
> After that, I realized he has been kind to me. And I started thinking about reconciliation.
> 
> "What if we tried again after all the things we lived apart?"
> "What if we dated and lived in separate houses to start again?"
> "What if he has always been waiting for an overture from me?"
> 
> Well, this is crazy I know, but has any of you here had the same "what ifs" after so long?
> 
> He complains to me about the OW. She sleeps all day long, she snores... people say to me they fight a lot.
> 
> Do you think I should just act weirdly to see how far it goes? I mean, act with overture, be nice... I can't be so direct because there's a possibility that he's just being nice and doesn't want me.


You may be doing good but this posts is way way too much about a guy who cheated on you. YOU CAN DO BETTER. Why do you not thing so? 

Seriously there are hundreds of thousands of men out there, every other one of them of them will not have the problem of being married to the women he cheated on you with. You need to stop romanticizing this guy. He is not the path to your happiness.

Move forward not back. Stop judging yourself on him. Listen to me, it's been 4 years, life is too short. And he is not a good guy.

Until you see this guy for what he is and stop romanticizing him you will never have a chance with someone else and you will never move on an have a good life. You must discipline your mind and will yourself to see it. He cheated on you he is not the answer. Please get some help so you can start thinking clearly on this. Life isn't going to get better for you until you do. No one else will want to live in his shadow.


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## Marc878

Amk Bem said:


> Wow, I loved your message, that's why I posted here instead of the Reconciliation topic.
> Thanks!
> I agree with you. I walked this road for 5 years alone and it was hard, as you from this topic know well. But it's also great to become a better version of ourselves.
> 
> My greatest concern is to lose this achievement.
> 
> I fell in love some times in these 5 years but I never found anyone that really cared about me. *I know that he cares.*
> Of course I still have all these fantasies of me being cruel with him if he comes back, not giving him insurance and so on.
> 
> I wanted revenge so badly that I feel happy with all these stories of snoring and stuff he and people tell me. People send me pictures of them together always mocking on them. OW is a pathetic figure. They are a strange couple.
> 
> But... I think I'm just tired, you know?


He has a funny way of showing it. Cheats then marries the OW.

You just want something you don't have.

Nostalgia is fleeting. Then reality steps in.

He picked her over you. Those are the facts


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## Amk Bem

Thank you all, I agree with everything you all said.
I don't know what's going on with me. Maybe is just the disappointment with things that happened recently.
I can assure you that I was over him already. I think I still am.
Maybe I still have that fantasy of one day he coming back asking for forgiveness. 
The fact is that I'm really tired of not having someone that truly cares about me by my side.


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## Tilted 1

Amk Bem said:


> Thank you all, I agree with everything you all said.
> I don't know what's going on with me. Maybe is just the disappointment with things that happened recently.
> I can assure you that I was over him already. I think I still am.
> Maybe I still have that fantasy of one day he coming back asking for forgiveness.
> The fact is that I'm really tired of not having someone that truly cares about me by my side.


Maybe your fantasy of him never coming back, is the better fantasy.


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## honcho

Amk Bem said:


> Thank you all, I agree with everything you all said.
> I don't know what's going on with me. Maybe is just the disappointment with things that happened recently.
> I can assure you that I was over him already. I think I still am.
> Maybe I still have that fantasy of one day he coming back asking for forgiveness.
> The fact is that I'm really tired of not having someone that truly cares about me by my side.


Memory and nostalgic thoughts can play tricks on us at times. What if he did ask for forgiveness? After all this time what would it change? He made his choices. 

You miss and want someone who cares about you, he's not the one and you know that.


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## Cynthia

Someone who truly cares about you doesn't leave you when you have a baby. He made his choice and now he's not happy with that either. This man has zero integrity and you are putting out feelers to see if he wants to get back together, while in the same breath you say you'd never go after a married man. That is exactly what you are considering. He is married and not to you. Good grief, the man treated you horribly and you are thinking about getting back with him because you are lonely. With a man like that, you may not feel lonely for the first five minutes, but then he'll be off to different pastures and you'll be lonely again.

Do you really want to be the other woman? Is this maybe part of a revenge fantasy that you are thinking of putting into practice?


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## EleGirl

@Amk Bem

Do you remember anything about what old user's name? Or how about your old email address? I can do some searching. If I can find your old account I can merge your two accounts. 

PM me if you can remember.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Call me crazy, but anyone who CHEATS on me and our baby, LIES to my face on a daily basis, then basically DESERTS me and our baby to go marry the woman he was cheating on me with, is a complete piece of dog-****.

Nothing more, nothing less.

You're deluding yourself if you actually think this low life is worthy of your time.

He is not.


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## Amk Bem

EleGirl said:


> @Amk Bem
> 
> Do you remember anything about what old user's name? Or how about your old email address? I can do some searching. If I can find your old account I can merge your two accounts.
> 
> PM me if you can remember.


No, I Just remember the avatar I chose. It was a Banksy's girl with balloon. It was july-november 2014.
I like to be anonymous in internet forums, so I didn't use my real name.


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## Amk Bem

Ok, thanks everybody. You really made me think. I know he is the same douche bag that left me with a baby, heartbroken, when all I remember doing for him was giving all my love.
I know time plays tricks on us and that's why I have a kind of "file" with things he did and said and I should never forget. 
The fact is that this was the only time he cheated on me. And to be honest, I think that maybe what makes me sad is that he chose her instead of his family without being confused or as I didn't have any value to him. In just a few weeks he was sure he wanted to leave home. But we lived 15 years of intimacy, friendship, love and truth before this and in a moment of depression, these good memories arise.
I"ll see some friends tonight, I'll go to a club that I like and I'll try not to think of reconciliation to see if this idea disappears.


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## Amk Bem

This weekend was better than the previous one. I think that maybe I just want to be with someone, I know he's not the right one but sometimes we get confused. 

All his best he already gave to me - our child and his best years. She is a gift in my life. And she reminds me of his good years, when our love was pure, without all the bad stuff we would live later. I even remember him smiling 20 years ago and I know he'll never smile the same way. He's not the same person. So there's no way we can go back to what we had because that doesn't exist anymore.

Those thoughts calmed down my heart. Like the bible passage that says "Let all things be tested, keep to what is good".
I think I must keep what was good. That won't come back again because it's time is over. But my daughter is a living proof of all the love we shared.
And I am so grateful to have her.


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## Twistedheart

Amk Bem said:


> He complains to me about the OW. She sleeps all day long, she snores... people say to me they fight a lot.


Don't be silly. He did this to the other woman about you, too. Dude is trash.


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