# No Chemistry, considering leaving



## caligirl81 (Dec 31, 2012)

I have only been on this forum for a couple of days, and after inadvertently interfering with another thread, I am starting this one. 

I've been married for 6 years, 5 of which were while I was in the military. I consider myself a Christian, so I have a hard time moving to get a divorce, if I'm the only one in the marriage who feels this issue is significant.

When we met, he was the very first person to actually pursue me, and with other stressors that I encountered in the military, I made the mistake of not taking time away from him to truly reflect on my own feelings. He was very adamant in his pursuit and I did not even considering saying "no" because logically, the decision made sense in my mind. I had no example of any sort of marriage growing up, so I wasn't looking for the chemistry at all. 

At the time, I thought I was making a good decision, and he's an amazing person - I just feel like I'm married to my best friend and NOT the lover who makes me feel so alive that I blush when I am around him. I pull away from him all the time, and for our entire marriage, he has made jokes about the lack of sex. For this entire time I kept thinking that once I was out of the military, I'd feel the way I was supposed to and this intimacy issue would resolve. But now, I'm a year and a half out of the military, and I am repulsed by his touch. The main difference now is that I'm emotionally aware that it's not just me. I'm not someone incapable of sexual arousal - I just never felt that chemistry. I'd like to think I'm not a horrible person and that I was making the best decision I knew how to make at the time with the tools that I had in my box.

What really triggered me even addressing this issue, along with other issues we've had (me feeling like he resents my pursuit of professional school) was that I met someone who immediately aroused me physiologically, and I was embarrassed that it was happening. It was in a professional setting, so I have no idea if it is mutual, nor do I care to know at this point, because it is irrelevant, and the issue is with me realizing that for all this time that I thought I just had low libido (he constantly made fun of me about it), there is really a crucial element missing here.

So now, I'm on these forums and searching the issue incessantly, in order to come to some resolution. I'm torn. I don't want a broken relationship on my "record". The world sees enough of that. And I've seen enough of it, in my mother. 

I've talked to him multiple times about it. Finally, he's on cloud nine (???) because he realizes I'm not just giving up on the marriage and I want it to work if it can. But he still isn't hearing me when I talk about the chemistry issue. I asked him if he ever felt "it" and he flat out told me he hadn't, but that he thinks we don't need it because we are unique. Unique we are, indeed, and I love his family, but I'm at the point where I feel life is too short to go without feeling that passion at least once in my life.

We leave on a trip for two weeks, which should be fun, as we get along great, but the intimacy is so out of whack, I cannot stand his touch, and realize I haven't really ever had that magnetic feeling of attraction. I'm not sure if it's worth the hassle to really "follow my heart" as my close friends have advised, as this would uproot a pretty decent life. We have no kids of our own, for the record. Thanks for the input.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Yes you are unique, just like everybody else.

Sounds like it would be a tough way to live the rest of your life. Married to someone who repulses you.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

You stated you were a Christian, so in that sense you know what needs to be done. No adultery on either part right? Absent that, you don't have grounds for divorce. Have you spoke to your pastor/minister about your feelings? He may be able to provide some better insight then what you will get here. Here you will find a more worldly and less biblical take on things. Dealing on the Christian level, the other man who makes you feel giddy is from Satan, plain and simple. 

Now, dealing on the human level, you are attracted to guy #2 and married to guy #1 so you have a decision to make. If you are not attracted to your husband and he repulses you, you should leave the marriage. Your husband deserves better than a wife who is repulsed by his touch. You and your husband may be able to learn to love one another mutually but you have to figure that out for yourself.

Now consider what I just said through your personal value system. 

What do you want to do?


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## caligirl81 (Dec 31, 2012)

Haha! "Married in VA" you have a wonderful way of stripping the humanity from this issue. This is exactly why I actually hesitated to state explicitly that I am a Christian. I DON'T know what to do, otherwise I wouldn't be asking for input from other people with more experience.

If I had been more "worldly" (aka actually in touch with my human emotions) 6 years ago, and weren't so brainwashed into the passivity desired of the extreme religiosity you advocate, perhaps I wouldn't be in this situation.

That said, I take full responsibility for my human error. I did state in the other thread that I did indeed act in infidelity while I was deployed, and fully disclosed the situation to my husband at that time. If anything, HE has every right to have left me and he chose to stay. I don't begrudge him that.

I find it disgusting that you would say that someone else is from Satan, without having more than a superficial knowledge of the situation. To say that is a gross over-spiritualization of a human experience. It's called life, and it's a learning process, and not everyone has it figured out like you apparently do.

I don't know how you can switch to the "human level" because all that you stated in your first paragraph is completely contrary.

You are correct when you say my husband deserves someone who can love him passionately, and I want to be able to do that but I also realize that, on the "human level", the natural chemistry that certain couples experience - that sort of sacred romance - was, in fact, absent. And I long for it desperately. And while reading the book "Captivating" I am wrestling my brain trying to figure out how He is trying to romance me in all of this. I don't know if I can learn or grow into this chemistry. I hope so. And I'm going to give it (another) try, as we have nearly split on 3 occasions. The first was my own infidelity. The second was a few months later when his parents split suddenly, after I came back to the states, and he chose to stay with his fam instead of stay with me where I was stationed. He was not communicating with me very well. The third was about 2 yrs ago, when I got an interview at a very good school on the east coast and he did not want me to take it at all, which caused a pretty large rift on both our parts.

So, yeah, as in any relationship, there is more to it than just the trigger point. If, in the long run, this doesn't work out, I have to be OK with being alone, perhaps for the rest of my life.


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## Frustrated Husband (Dec 31, 2012)

Hi Caligirl,
My problem is much much greater than yours. I wish I were you!
Here is my observation:
You have only been with him 6 years, no kids, you have split several times in the past, you are not attracted to him on all grounds.
IMHO, you both can find what you are looking for if you split. Yes, you can think Christian and try working things out ... I would recommend this path first, however, if you are still both trying so hard and things still do not improve, what is the point of not becoming a marriage statistic? Christianity has tought you and me that married couples need to stay together for life no matter what. My parents have and they have been miserable the past 10 years. Luckily they live overseas. They will have their 50th wedding anniversery next year.
I am at a point now in my life where I only care and think about my wife and kids very much but do not let the fear of being a statistic interfere with my pursuit of happiness. Your case is much simplier than mine. How fortunate you are! If you decide to permanently split, you absolutely need to know how is he going to take it mentally. Splitting is filled with many many emotions that can physically endanger you. This is what I fear most if I decide to split with my wife.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm also Christian (Catholic), but even the Catholic church recognizes that people mistakenly enter into marriages that they shouldn't be in and allows for the dissolution of those marriages. My faith teaches me that marriage is the foundation of the family, and I think your marriage sounds too weak to be the foundation that God wants your children to have (if indeed you want children). 

Do make sure you learn and grow from this marriage regardless of what course of action you choose. Good luck.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

What have you both done to solve the problem besides talk about it?

Have a person make your blush doesn't stay for long....it's the honeymoon phase mostly. Repulsed....then there are deeper issues.

Get some help-marriage counseling. Learn how to meet each other needs. 

It takes alot of work...marriage. It just doesn't happen.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

As someone whose been married for 21 years to someone I have amazing chemistry with I say you're crazy for staying with someone who repulses you.

It's one thing to lose that spark over time - that can be recovered but repulsed? That's a whole other issue. I've dated plenty and I know that feeling - it's not a good one so I can't imagine marrying someone like that. It's the passion that's kept my marriage going for 21 years. Without it we wouldn't have stood a chance christian or not.


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## caligirl81 (Dec 31, 2012)

I really appreciate all the input here.

We talked again last night, and I think he really started to understand where I'm at. He's blissfully happy and loves me more than anyone else I'd ever met before him. But I think now he finally understands that when we are sharing a moment, I'm not aroused at all. Haven't been in the 6 yrs we've been married. He feels it, but I don't. What are we doing to problem solve? I've been speaking w/ a counselor for about a month now, dealing with individual issues, and it has been hugely helpful. I think if he is open to it, which I think he will be, we will try MC.

I understand that having someone make you blush doesn't last forever - in fact, that was likely part of why I never bothered looking for the spark - but I also hadn't ever fallen in love w/ my husband. I love him, though, because he's a great great person, and through MC hopefully I can see what it would feel like to fall in love w/ him, to have the spark that Mavash talks about.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Leave him. For HIM. I don't care about your feelings. Give him the chance to find someone that isn't repulsed by him.

Did you tell him you are repulsed by his touch? Have been the whole time you've known him?

Leave him. Give him a chance to find a happy life. You've already taken 6 years from him. What's worse is that you're going to take 2 or three more trying to "resolve your issues". By then someone else will get your juices flowing and it's by-by Mr. Nice Guy. That'll kill HIM, but at least you'll have your backup in place. 

Sorry to be so course, but I'm TIRED of women whinning about how their man doesn't make them happy and taking NO ownership for the issue. You THINK you are but you're not. You've destroyed his life. You just don't know it yet. All so YOU could be happy.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

caligirl81 said:


> ...but I also hadn't ever fallen in love w/ my husband. I love him, though, because he's a great great person, and *through MC hopefully I can see what it would feel like to fall in love w/ him*, to have the spark that Mavash talks about.


Good luck with that. The magic marriage counselor. That will be a HUGE improvement from all of the others that aren't worth their weight in...

Sorry if I'm bitter. But that's what happens when you find out that your wife of 20+ years never loved you. I wish to GOD MY wife told me after 6 years. I'd be happy now. I at least respect you for that.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

A MC can't make you fall in love with someone that you never loved before. Not today not ever.


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## caligirl81 (Dec 31, 2012)

Well, Mavash, that's what I keep hearing...I just don't think he will be satisfied with letting me go until we've taken all precautionary steps. I've told him everything. And he's redoubling his efforts on physical affection.

MrK, I'm sorry you've been so deeply wounded. I made the best decision I knew how to make, logically, at the time we met, with the life experience I had under my belt. I thought this was something I could grow into, especially since I was a virgin when we tied the knot. I'm not trying to ruin anyone's life. I'm sorry that you feel that way.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Cali:

1. People in arranged marriages CAN learn to love each other.

2. If you REALLY want to try to save your marriage (for whatever reason you choose, religious or any other), then I would suggest you BOTH get into sex therapy and see if THAT can help your relationship at all.

3. I'd say if you BOTH give a REALLY, SINCERE, OPEN-MINDED, 100% EFFORT for 6 months and YOU don't see substantive improvement (since your H is happy already, don't see where he would be less happy with therapy), THEN YOU should file for divorce.

Good luck!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think 6 months is a good timeline. If things aren't better with some serious effort then it's not going to happen.

At year 7 we were on the brink of divorce but in 6 months we managed to work it out and have now been married 21 years. However we had chemistry and his touch didn't repulse me....EVER.


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## caligirl81 (Dec 31, 2012)

Decorum,

The infidelity while deployed was just sex, no emotions - well, besides connecting w/ another person in a high-stress situation. I'm not justifying it, though, and it's not how I choose to conduct myself.

I have absolutely no thoughts/emotions about the infidelity person, which lasted about 2 months. We have no contact, I don't want it, and I wouldn't know how to contact him if I did.

The associate who caused the trigger was a superior, not a peer. I'm not sure how any of this info ties in but I don't mind addressing it.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

caligirl81 said:


> And he's redoubling his efforts on physical affection.


Good. He's punishing you in the worst way he knows how. And it's YOUR FAULT. You wouldn't have to put up with that nastiness if you'd just leave now. And he'd be able to find someone that WANTS him. Give him that. You KNOW, deep inside, it's not going to get better. Why torture him further? Give him hope?

Oh yeah, you don't have your ducks lined up yet. Good strategy.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

80% of the women are sexually attracted to the same 20% of men. That's why in Bible times kings, generals, and the wealthy monopolized 70% or so of the women in harems. Today, the majority of women are "settling," at least in the sense of trading sexual excitement for a roof, companionship, and children. And that's why the "7-year itch" exists. Where would you say your husband is on the Male Attraction Hierarchy?

Caligirl, if you really want your husband to *get it*, have him start reading a book called "Married Man Sex Life Primer". Also, have him read the blog by the same author.

Is your husband also a Christian? If so, he probably doesn't have the first clue about how to behave to maintain attraction.

I'm also guessing your husband isn't much in the 6 pack and muscles department. Get him this book.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

The thing about that chemistry is it is an illusion. No matter how strong the attraction in the beginning of a relationship in about four years the passion is gone. New novel relationships cause a release of dopamine and that dissipates over time. If you left this relationship and pursued another one by the time you were 4-5 years into your second relationship you would be in the same boat.


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## caligirl81 (Dec 31, 2012)

Sorry for the delayed input. We are currently on our trip, and he has put no pressure on me in terms of intimacy. I consider him quite a gentleman for that.

MrK, I understand that this is a place for free speech, but I'm tempted to ask you to leave this thread. You still have a lot of bitterness to deal with, yourself. You have no idea who I really am or what my heart is in this situation. Please don't project the horrible things you have experienced into this situation. It is disrespectful. I'm trying to handle this in the most respectful way I know how, because I value the establishment of marriage.

Zanne,
In the upcoming few months, I expect my inner battle to increase in intensity, because my expected contact with "the other" has the possibility of increasing rather than decreasing, and I don't know what to do besides put my head down and...pray?


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## caligirl81 (Dec 31, 2012)

curlysue
Thank you for your input. I observed my mother act in this constant stream of dissatisfaction, according to a pattern similar to what you describe. Still, when I see people's stories, such as Mavash, I have to recognize that there is something missing. I wish to God that I had taken the time years ago to really understand what I was looking for, or what it meant to really connect with someone, as the pit in my stomach grows when I think about the possibility of incurring pain. But that is something I must bear on my own, I suppose.

I think I mentioned that I told him everything. We were sharing what was supposed to be an intimate moment, and I asked him, in the middle of it, if he felt anything. Yes, he did. He returned the question, and I was completely honest with him, to the extent that he knows that my feelings for someone else were what triggered me even addressing this (and other issues we've had). He knows I will not act on these feelings, and he believes we can work through this. I just don't know how to go on living without that connection, if I decide to stay in the long run. 

Also, one of our main other issues was that he did not support me returning to professional school, and after all these discussions, though he SAYS he supports this, the past 6 months proved otherwise with his frustration and apparent disdain for my professional goals.


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## caligirl81 (Dec 31, 2012)

Zanne,
Thank you. How do I keep my thoughts guarded? I already feel so compromised. Like, just bombarded with swirling thoughts, trying to keep my head on straight. Right now, I really don't feel strong enough. But I keep thinking, "I have to do this right." Whatever that is. He knows everything, but I think he fails to understand just how important it FEELS to me right now. How overwhelmed I am at this realization. I'm eager for the MC, if anything for a mediator to communication.


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## caligirl81 (Dec 31, 2012)

Also, I have mentioned to him that I do not appreciate it when he jokes about the sex life, or lack thereof, at social gatherings. He persists in the joking, and I don't know how to bring it up again without nagging. I told him it makes me feel like he does not take the issue seriously. What could this mean about what is going through HIS head? Example: He joked again last night amongst a group of friends, while intoxicated. This happens often but I thought it would dissipate once I mentioned it to him. I understand he is probably feeling rejection, too...???


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## caligirl81 (Dec 31, 2012)

Zanne
Yes, I have a mentor with whom I speak on a semi-regular basis, and she keeps me accountable.
Also, since I've been reflecting on...well, everything, I realize that he's made these sex jokes for quite a while, perhaps over a year, but it's like constant now. Like I just anticipate it. I think I will address it again, because it certainly does not help the matter.

I last saw the "other" on 2 consecutive days about 6 days ago. It's just...it hit me in the face. I wasn't looking for anything, if that makes sense? I'd almost rather be oblivious to the feeling than to realize something important isn't where it's supposed to be. It's so intense. Then, after we left was when I found out that my expected contact was about to increase, not decrease, though at the same time it was the result of me pursuing a good opportunity...???


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## caligirl81 (Dec 31, 2012)

Decorum / Machiavelli
Thank you for the book recommendations.


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## buff (Jan 7, 2013)

I am going to agree with frustrated husband's reply. 

It's a tough situation. I have been there. I can't say the chemistry was there in the beginning. I pursued my now exhusband from the beginning and put so much "force" into our marriage for 10years. IThen the resentment set in. I felt that I had to fight to date him, fight to marry him, fight for him to love and touch me. Once you get there, it's hard going back. I hurt my exhusband horribly for neglecting us, not supporting my life decisions, and not loving me. And I hate myself for that. Counseling didn't help. I was already at the point where I was "done."

Please try NOW to salvage your marriage. If you wait, only worse things can happen. 

I understand intimacy waxes and wanes in marriage. And I am not so sure I entirely believe that whole "I married my best friend" idea. Because friendship can be mistaken for love. I have always been told that you just know when you've met the one. You feel the chemistry. The connection. Immediately. And you grow together IN friendship. I didn't have that ever with my exhusband. 

Best wishes to you hon...pray for your marriage.


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

I will start off by saying that there is only a very slim chance of saving this. With that in mind if you guys are going to attempt to he needs to realize that he will need to be doing most of the heavy lifting, but he will be better off for it even if it doesn't work out so it won't be all for naught.

The MC idea is a good one. Not because it will some how make you love him more but it will help open lines of communacation better. The passive aggressive remarks are a sure sign of resentment building up on his part and will not make anything better. He needs to find better ways to let you know how he is feeling. If this doesn't happen it will get progressivly worse and will become a massive issue for both of you.

The reading material mentoned above are a great help. From what little dicription of him you have given it sounds as if he may be a bit too passive and some changes in this area could be of some benifit. Might I suggest directing him here, to the mens forum for a bit of advice? It is always nice to have support and much of the advice given is pretty good. I would advise though that you don't know his screen name and refrain from following behind him.

You sound as if you mean well and I hope things work out for the best for both of you.


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## caligirl81 (Dec 31, 2012)

Buff - I have already been in individual counseling for about 2 months, and we are scheduled to start right after we return from our trip. It's going to be intense. I don't know that I'm at the point where I feel "done". I don't regret any of this because I made the best decision I knew to make when I made it. But the IMMEDIATE connection is one that I started to feel with the "other". And though that situation is still a very white area (nothing sketchy happening), I've actually slipped into the stage where I feel like "I just know". And that is very intense, and scary, and not something that I can indulge, mentally or emotionally.

rundown - Right now, I feel like I'm doing a lot of the heavy lifting emotionally, because as soon as I started to express that I might be dissatisfied with some areas in our marriage, he shut down a lot. I don't blame him at all for being angry, but sometimes I feel like I'm living with a pouty 10-yr-old. Could you maybe clarify for me what you mean when you say he will have to do a lot of heavy lifting? I don't think he is talking to anyone at all about this. I think he's just scrambling to make it look like things are holding together, and I can't live a lie. Still, I feel like he deserves someone who can fulfill his physical needs better than I.


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## caligirl81 (Dec 31, 2012)

Also, I am of the opinion that I must be willing to be alone for a while, possibly for the rest of my life, if this doesn't work.


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

caligirl81 said:


> rundown - Right now, I feel like I'm doing a lot of the heavy lifting emotionally, because as soon as I started to express that I might be dissatisfied with some areas in our marriage, he shut down a lot. I don't blame him at all for being angry, but sometimes I feel like I'm living with a pouty 10-yr-old. Could you maybe clarify for me what you mean when you say he will have to do a lot of heavy lifting? I don't think he is talking to anyone at all about this. I think he's just scrambling to make it look like things are holding together, and I can't live a lie. Still, I feel like he deserves someone who can fulfill his physical needs better than I.


Of course he is going to be a pouty ten-year-old his confidence is shattered. You cheated on him and he now knows that the one person he can have sex with wants nothing to do with him. It would turn most men into a pile of mush. I am sure he feels as if he is being punished for doing NOTHING wrong. The problem is, while it may be hard as hell to keep it together for him he needs to realize he is just hurting his own cause.

The heavy lifting part is him needing to change a few behaviors. The passive aggressive comments, being passive, and the loss of confidence are not going to make you want to jump his bones. While he has done nothing wrong he needs to do the changing, although he needs to realize that even if you guys don't work out any work he does on himself will just benifit him in the future.


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## caligirl81 (Dec 31, 2012)

rundown - you're right. He's done nothing wrong. I really have nothing to say to that. I'm the only one who's done any wrong. I'm the only one who's not satisfied. He deserves much more than this. Very reminiscent of the country song "Let it Rain".


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