# Married to my best friend



## lorica (Mar 6, 2017)

Hello. I am seeking advice since i feel that everyone around me is too involved in the situation to have a clear mind about my problems. So i 26 years old and my husband is 29. We've been married for 5 months and together for 7 years. We've always been best friends and funcioned perfectly and honestly, we never fight. And i think i was in love with him. But for the past year or a bit more i have started to loose the romantic love for him. I love him dearly as a friend, as a part of my family, but the romantic feelings were starting to fade. And i tried i tried so hard i even got married since there were still a bit or feelings left. But now i see they are gone. And i see no way of getting them back. So i told him this and he was shocked and surprised. And i have no legit reason to give him. None at all.. he is a perfect as he is.. he worships me, never holds me back, loves me to death. And i like hanging out with him and going on trips with him, but there is no passion, no want for sex. He is my best friend and i am affraid that is all he is. He would like me to tell him what to do to save our marriage but i cant even give him an answer. Because he is doing nothing wrong. I am so devestated to see him devestated.. and i am most affraid he will not talk to me again. So i even said i'd go to counceling with him (telling him not to expect a different outcome) just to make him accept this less painfully. Whenever he pleads with me to try i tell him i dont see how it could be different and when he says he's going to wait for me i tell him not to, but i feel broken seeing him broken. Am i doing the right thing? Do you honestly think the romantic feeling could come back? I would love to give him a list of things to change, but there just isn't anything. I feel like we dont have a healthy relationship since i am the center of his universe all the time and i want for me someone to challange me and for him someone to love him unconditionally. Is that wrong? Am i livin in fairytales? Let me know your thoughts, please.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*From my standpoint, this situation is rather unnormal and severely illogical!

If a CTJM(Come to Jesus Meeting) with him hasn't ever been had, then one is certainly needed to be scheduled! And if no results from such a meeting are fruitful, then a trip to a good marriage counselor is certainly in order!

Under most conditions, marriage is supposed to be a most physically and loving event! *


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## lorica (Mar 6, 2017)

i don't really understand why so unnormal? Dont people fall out of love? we were the best couple in all aspects until about a year ago... we had chemistry and affection and friendship and everything that a relationship is supposed to have..


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

So within 5 months or marriage your romantic feelings for him are gone (and from reading they were mostly gone before you got married which should've been a massive red flag in the first place). Honestly, let him go, marriage is no place to friendzone someone. It will be painful for him at first but in the long run it will be better for him. You can't even confirm that you were ever really in love with him (i.e. you said you "think" you were in love with him). Time for both of you to move on, and hopefully each find the right person.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

lorica said:


> I feel like we dont have a healthy relationship since i am the center of his universe all the time and i want for me someone to challange me and for him someone to love him unconditionally. Is that wrong? Am i livin in fairytales? Let me know your thoughts, please.


This is what stood out to me the most. I think this is what is contributing to the problem.

I too fell out of love with my last partner. The sex just dried up, I just had zero interest in having sex with him. Looking back now, the truth is I fell out of love way before we got serious. Like you, I had a hard time grasping that because he seemed perfect and we got along very well. I was so confused and it broke my heart when I had to tell him. The worst part was not being able to offer solutions. We went to counselling, didn't help. Ultimately we decided on an open relationship which exacerbated the problem and led to our demise.

Closer to the end is when I figured out the problem, he was just too nice. He was very emotionally needy and his presence was overwhelming. I tried to communicate this but he could not comprehend it. 

Recently I came across the text: No More Mr Nice Guy. OMG that was gone to a T. From the childhood issues to the excessive giving to the issues with sex. It's a quick read and the PDF is available for free online. Have a read and see if it describes your partner. If it does, it will point out exactly whats causing the disconnect between you two.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Sounds like you aren't comfortable with a sure thing. You want him to call you on your **** and lead more? If so I think this is correctable as the last poster said. 

I'm older so my role models were strong independent men. Then somehow Alan Alda came on the scene and created this whiny, needy archetype and women, unfortunately, gravitated toward it in a backlash against misogyny which was also present. I honestly blame Alan Alda for the decline of masculinity in western society 

So it's about learning that it's ok to be a "jerk" if that's someone else's view of a strong, independent guy. No need to apologize for being a guy.

Many nice guys here are and in recovery


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is there someone else you are attracted to. (not that you have acted on the attraction in any way, but just the thought)?

Have you been in love before and how did it end?

Is your sex life good, at least physically?

If you imagine a perfect romantic relationship, what is it you imagine? 


The question you have to ask yourself is whether he is the wrong person for you, or if you are not able to stay in love for a long time. Many people are not able to maintain those feelings for a long time.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I also married my best friend.. but I never felt this way.. can't relate... Can you articulate what stirs DESIRE in you....what turns you on?? How is the sex.. is this a part of it.. do you "O" ? 

Physically speaking - are you attracted to him? You say you wouldn't change anything... but this is not true.... you want him to challenge you.. 

Have you spoken to him what you said here....if you feel he's too accommodating.. that he puts you on a pedestal....maybe it would be healthy to FIGHT once in a while, this shows he has his OWN OPINION, and it's not catering to yours.. you want to see him take more of a lead..

Can you give some examples of other men that you are deeply attracted to, their mannerisms, that HE is lacking and COULD work on? Just for the sake of trying to save this.. if possible..


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

lorica said:


> Hello. I am seeking advice since i feel that everyone around me is too involved in the situation to have a clear mind about my problems. So i 26 years old and my husband is 29. We've been married for 5 months and together for 7 years. We've always been best friends and funcioned perfectly and honestly, we never fight. And i think i was in love with him. But for the past year or a bit more i have started to loose the romantic love for him. I love him dearly as a friend, as a part of my family, but the romantic feelings were starting to fade. And i tried i tried so hard i even got married since there were still a bit or feelings left. But now i see they are gone. And i see no way of getting them back. So i told him this and he was shocked and surprised. And i have no legit reason to give him. None at all.. he is a perfect as he is.. he worships me, never holds me back, loves me to death. And i like hanging out with him and going on trips with him, but there is no passion, no want for sex. He is my best friend and i am affraid that is all he is. He would like me to tell him what to do to save our marriage but i cant even give him an answer. Because he is doing nothing wrong. I am so devestated to see him devestated.. and i am most affraid he will not talk to me again. So i even said i'd go to counceling with him (telling him not to expect a different outcome) just to make him accept this less painfully. Whenever he pleads with me to try i tell him i dont see how it could be different and when he says he's going to wait for me i tell him not to, but i feel broken seeing him broken. Am i doing the right thing? Do you honestly think the romantic feeling could come back? I would love to give him a list of things to change, but there just isn't anything. I feel like we dont have a healthy relationship since i am the center of his universe all the time and i want for me someone to challange me and for him someone to love him unconditionally. Is that wrong? Am i livin in fairytales? Let me know your thoughts, please.



*It's obvious. You believe that you are not worthy of love. Now you are going about proving yourself to be right.
*


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Lorica,

Can you elaborate a little bit on your childhood and family history?

This can sometimes be helpful in identifying issues that might be contributing to the problem. 

I've already picked up some things from your discussion about your H, but before commenting I'd like to have a better picture about you.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

I think this speaks a lot more to your own challenges than his.

I agree that it can mean you feel you are not worthy of love; or there are issues that you're refusing to acknowledge. Either way, I think it would be a good idea to dig deeper into this; maybe seek out IC. If you walk away from this relationship without having done some self work; you'll right back into this situation with someone else; again and again and again, until you step back to see what it is about YOU that's choosing this type of relationship.

I felt this way about my husband back when we FIRST starting having problems.. saying its ME, not him; he's perfect... there's just something missing. Once I was able to dig deeper (and started counselling); I realized, yes, it is me; but it's also him. Men being too nice, or too accommodating isn't attractive; it shows lack of self confidence and ambition. A lack of passion for life translates in all areas.. which can be hard to live with.

To me, it sounds like you have a hard time asking for what you REALLY want; or feel deserving of love or happiness. Sounds like self sabotage to me.

Maybe you've fallen out of love with him, but there's a reason; I wouldn't rest until I find it, so that it can be avoided next time, and a lesson can learned from all this heartbreak.


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

I can relate to this so much. I'm going through a similar situation. I too have fallen out of love with my husband and question whether or not I'm being foolish. There are things my husband does which drives me insane and he is not helpful around the house at all, but he treats me wonderfully and I know I never have to worry about anything with him. I, like you, wonder if that is enough though. I love my husband dearly, but I'm not in love with him. I wish I had advice for you, but all I can offer is the knowledge that you are not alone. My husband and I are going to try counseling, but I'm not optimistic. We've been married 4 years, but I think it's coming to an end. I hope that you can find the right decision for you and that you find the love you're looking for. I feel your pain.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

lorica said:


> i don't really understand why so unnormal? Dont people fall out of love? we were the best couple in all aspects until about a year ago... we had chemistry and affection and friendship and everything that a relationship is supposed to have..


So, what were you doing to keep that chemistry and affection?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Be honest. Is he fat, short, bald, ugly? What's wrong with him? Something about him makes you feel like you can do better and life is too short. I felt the same way about my ex wife, but I hated/resented her for how much of a b*tch she was to me. Ha.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You tried to turn friendship into romance. He was your best friend and now you're feeling smothered and disinterested and bored. Try having you both disconnect from the hip and get some activities of your own, friends of your own and then see if date nights will ignite (reignite) passion.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

OK Lorica,

Someone else asked. You did not answer. Is there another man either that you are already involved with or wanting to be. The advice you need depends on whether or not the answer to that is yes or no.

Because if it is yes, you need to divorce him right now rather that putting him through the hell of an affair. If he is your best friend, you do not do that.

He sounds like he is smothering you for sure, but remember, "bad boys" can burn you even though the excitement can be intoxicating. The grass is not always greener. 

Have you done IC?? Or are you just giving up?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lorica said:


> i don't really understand why so unnormal? Dont people fall out of love? we were the best couple in all aspects until about a year ago... we had chemistry and affection and friendship and everything that a relationship is supposed to have..


Well it was honorable to tell him before you cheated. I suspect he won't be your best friend though after this. Maybe it's just not a good fit or maybe you have wonderlust and are really not someone who should be married. At this point you can't make feelings that you don't have. 

I commend you though, so many have said. Why couldn't they just divorce me. You have done the thing that we always say people should do when they fall out of love.

Assuming you are not cheating. 

I suggest you detach and let him move on. Don't have kids with him!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> You tried to turn friendship into romance. He was your best friend and now you're feeling smothered and disinterested and bored. Try having you both disconnect from the hip and get some activities of your own, friends of your own and then see if date nights will ignite (reignite) passion.


I would be worried about the passions or more who will ignite the passions. We have seen people who are not into their SO's go out with friends and all hell breaks loose. I think at this point it's just shouldn't be this hard.


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## 28years (Mar 13, 2017)

Please remember that people fall in and out of love all the time but you made a commitment to this person and you should at least try and find what you loved about him once and try to rekindle that. I will say one thing at least you let him know now and not wait 28 years as my husband has done to me. Its not that the pain is any different because rejection feels horrible when you love someone. But at least you are being completely honest with him and seem to be genuinely concerned with his feelings. Marriage is a journey and love is an action word not just a feeling. I hope you both can do this in a way that will bring closure to the both of you. Best of luck.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

lorica said:


> Hello. I am seeking advice since i feel that everyone around me is too involved in the situation to have a clear mind about my problems. So i 26 years old and my husband is 29. We've been married for 5 months and together for 7 years. We've always been best friends and funcioned perfectly and honestly, we never fight. And i think i was in love with him. But for the past year or a bit more i have started to loose the romantic love for him. I love him dearly as a friend, as a part of my family, but the romantic feelings were starting to fade. And i tried i tried so hard i even got married since there were still a bit or feelings left. But now i see they are gone. And i see no way of getting them back. So i told him this and he was shocked and surprised. And i have no legit reason to give him. None at all.. he is a perfect as he is.. he worships me, never holds me back, loves me to death. And i like hanging out with him and going on trips with him, but there is no passion, no want for sex. He is my best friend and i am affraid that is all he is. He would like me to tell him what to do to save our marriage but i cant even give him an answer. Because he is doing nothing wrong. I am so devestated to see him devestated.. and i am most affraid he will not talk to me again. So i even said i'd go to counceling with him (telling him not to expect a different outcome) just to make him accept this less painfully. Whenever he pleads with me to try i tell him i dont see how it could be different and when he says he's going to wait for me i tell him not to, but i feel broken seeing him broken. Am i doing the right thing? Do you honestly think the romantic feeling could come back? I would love to give him a list of things to change, but there just isn't anything. I feel like we dont have a healthy relationship since i am the center of his universe all the time and i want for me someone to challange me and for him someone to love him unconditionally. Is that wrong? Am i livin in fairytales? Let me know your thoughts, please.


Your husband is a beta male, such a shame how hormonally long term bonding reduces testosterone making men far less attractive to women, changes in behavior are a result to. My advice, have him hit the gym, feed him steak and eggs to build testosterone. These are normal problems, you just have to understand that some of them are physical in nature and some or the result of the physical problems. your screaming for a dominant male, it is all over your post. tell your husband to read the man up thread, start acting like a damn man.


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

If he's your best friend he needs to know where your at...I've learned that you never know what lays ahead in life...You only get one shot...make it the best you can but you have to be upfront and honest with H.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

There are a few issues

1. you seem to have an immature vision of marriage, the feeling in love stage lasts for only a few years. The physical lust waxes and wanes. As someone said marriage survives because both partners do not fall out of love at the same time.
Love is an verb 

2. he seems to treat you very well, maybe too well and therein lies the problem, he is too easy to get. He would be better off with someone who really appreciates that about him

3. The problem could be you, as some have alluded to here, do you have a problem with committment, do you have abandonment issues etc? Some people create drama to renact drama from their childhoods and f up seriously good relationships.

4. The field is not always greener out there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lorica said:


> Hello. I am seeking advice since i feel that everyone around me is too involved in the situation to have a clear mind about my problems. So i 26 years old and my husband is 29. We've been married for 5 months and together for 7 years. We've always been best friends and funcioned perfectly and honestly, we never fight. And i think i was in love with him. But for the past year or a bit more i have started to loose the romantic love for him. I love him dearly as a friend, as a part of my family, but the romantic feelings were starting to fade. And i tried i tried so hard i even got married since there were still a bit or feelings left. But now i see they are gone. And i see no way of getting them back. So i told him this and he was shocked and surprised. And i have no legit reason to give him. None at all.. he is a perfect as he is.. he worships me, never holds me back, loves me to death. And i like hanging out with him and going on trips with him, but there is no passion, no want for sex. He is my best friend and i am affraid that is all he is. He would like me to tell him what to do to save our marriage but i cant even give him an answer. Because he is doing nothing wrong. I am so devestated to see him devestated.. and i am most affraid he will not talk to me again. So i even said i'd go to counceling with him (telling him not to expect a different outcome) just to make him accept this less painfully. Whenever he pleads with me to try i tell him i dont see how it could be different and when he says he's going to wait for me i tell him not to, but i feel broken seeing him broken. Am i doing the right thing? Do you honestly think the romantic feeling could come back? I would love to give him a list of things to change, but there just isn't anything. I feel like we dont have a healthy relationship since i am the center of his universe all the time and i want for me someone to challange me and for him someone to love him unconditionally. Is that wrong? Am i livin in fairytales? Let me know your thoughts, please.


Are you still reading here? If so please let us know.

Yes this can be turned around. Marriage is a journey. Our feelings of romantic love ebb and flow. And they can be rebuilt.


My suggestion is that you get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". The two of you read them in that order and do the work that they say to do.


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## lorica (Mar 6, 2017)

I am very sorry for being absent. I had some traveling for work to do and couldn't get to it. 

There were a couple of questions possed:

- I had a very happy childhood, my parents are happily married for 30years. The only thing i could think of would be that there were very high expectations of me throughout my growing up. And i successfully did everything that was expected of me. With my dad i have a great relationship, with my mom not so much since she is not really a warm person. 
- there is no other man. i mean of course i found some guys over the years interesting, but i never thought about an affair or sth like that
- he is my first boyfriend and my first and only sex partner so i don't really have any idea how things should be
- on one side i want him to challenge me but i think after 8 years i wouldn't really respond well to that since i'm so used to have it my way with him (i know it sounds very spoiled but idk how to say it otherwise). And either way i know him to the core.. he wouldn't call me on my *** as someone said because he would neve initiate an argument
- sex life.. we never had that much sex.. i mean you know like some people say they can't keep their hands off of one another.. and sex doesn't really play a huge role for me
- i was thinking about more activities to do together but i always come to a conclusion that yes, i like doing things with him, i actually do have fun, but the same as i have fun with my other friends.. 

I lost all energy to keep on trying. i did agree to go to a counselor but i think that it won't help...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lorica,
It feels like your definition of 'functioning' perfectly = a high level of compatibility combined with the total absence of conflict. As you have discovered your body rebels at the notion. 

Hundred percent agree with your closing statement - you need someone to challenge you. Healthy conflict will bring out your best, and with the right person it will also create passion. 

And his reaction - is bad for both of you. If he loved YOU, more than he loves the way HE feels when he is WITH you, he would have said: We BOTH deserve to have passion in our lives - and the side effect of passion is a decent amount of sex. We need to end the marriage - amicably as possible. 

The sad thing about this - is how consistently we humans react to situations. Turns out there is a marital analog of: Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. 

Which is: If you want to slowly, inexorably bring out the worst in your partner, put them on the highest pedastel you can find. 

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lorica said:


> Hello. I am seeking advice since i feel that everyone around me is too involved in the situation to have a clear mind about my problems. So i 26 years old and my husband is 29. We've been married for 5 months and together for 7 years. We've always been best friends and funcioned perfectly and honestly, we never fight. And i think i was in love with him. But for the past year or a bit more i have started to loose the romantic love for him. I love him dearly as a friend, as a part of my family, but the romantic feelings were starting to fade. And i tried i tried so hard i even got married since there were still a bit or feelings left. But now i see they are gone. And i see no way of getting them back. So i told him this and he was shocked and surprised. And i have no legit reason to give him. None at all.. he is a perfect as he is.. he worships me, never holds me back, loves me to death. And i like hanging out with him and going on trips with him, but there is no passion, no want for sex. He is my best friend and i am affraid that is all he is. He would like me to tell him what to do to save our marriage but i cant even give him an answer. Because he is doing nothing wrong. I am so devestated to see him devestated.. and i am most affraid he will not talk to me again. So i even said i'd go to counceling with him (telling him not to expect a different outcome) just to make him accept this less painfully. Whenever he pleads with me to try i tell him i dont see how it could be different and when he says he's going to wait for me i tell him not to, but i feel broken seeing him broken. Am i doing the right thing? Do you honestly think the romantic feeling could come back? I would love to give him a list of things to change, but there just isn't anything. I feel like we dont have a healthy relationship since i am the center of his universe all the time and i want for me someone to challange me and for him someone to love him unconditionally. Is that wrong? Am i livin in fairytales? Let me know your thoughts, please.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Do you have siblings? It sounds like you are describing a brother sister relationship. If you do end it, end it cleanly. Never contact him again. My ex fiancé did not. Finally after several months I ask her not to call me again, ever. That I loved her, wanted a wife and every time she called it set me back, hoping she would come back. Hardest thing I ever did. She honored my advised. 

You are in the begining phase of becoming a WAW and stand a good chance of winding up as an other woman. Don't say no way. My guess is 70 percent of spouces (regardless of gender) will engage in an EA or PA. At a guess you want to let your bad girl out a little, but your husband finds responding to it as in his mind it is disrespectful to treat a wife like this.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

JohnA said:


> Do you have siblings? It sounds like you are describing a brother sister relationship. If you do end it, end it cleanly. Never contact him again. My ex fiancé did not. Finally after several months I ask her not to call me again, ever. That I loved her, wanted a wife and every time she called it set me back, hoping she would come back. Hardest thing I ever did. She honored my advised.
> 
> 
> 
> You are in the begining phase of becoming a WAW and stand a good chance of winding up as an other woman. Don't say no way. My guess is 70 percent of spouces (regardless of gender) will engage in an EA or PA. At a guess you want to let your bad girl out a little, but your husband finds responding to it as in his mind it is disrespectful to treat a wife like this.




Funny I don't see and desire to "let your bad girl out". That seems to be a common assumption by some men on TAM here - understandably so with the number of people here due to infidelity.

However I think the women who do that are often NOT seeking sex per se - I think they're trying to shake their former lives which they blame (wrongly many times) for their unhappiness. So they do the George Castaneda move and act opposite of how they have acted in the past. The "wild woman" role may seem attractive as someone who can make men drop at their feet and admire them. (Of course some do like the sex).

Here I see a person who simply realizes there should be passion in her life and she looks at the guy she chose and can not see it happening. Passion isn't the same thing as sex. It's engagement of the brain and senses.

Anyway OP if you're not completely gone you might offer some reading for your H - TAM typically has some books to read for "nice guys" to grow a pair and many TAM men say it changes their attitudes and lives. I'll leave it to others to recommend them as I haven't read them and am not a nice guy 

For you there is a book called "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch. It's a heavy read but you seem up to the task. Since you appear introspective it might be something you would enjoy reading to gain a different perspective. I'm carrying around a dog-earred copy but have only gotten 1/3 through.

It's been a while since I read your thread so sorry I forgot the responses so far - if my comments aren't appropriate based on the trajectory of this thread, ignore. 


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