# Dating again



## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Hello folks. It’s me…. AGAIN. Just sharing another update. Always open for suggesting or just general input. It’s been almost nine months since my husband died. Over half a year already and there are still parts that hurt. Other parts I’m grateful I no longer have to suffer at the same time. When I say that aloud it sound cold and I have some guilt but that is becoming less and less.

I ventured out into a dating app, my bio fully states I’m just looking for friendship, not dating, not hooking up, you ll be wasting your time otherwise. None of the conversations last long, assuming they realize, oh she’s for real not going to be putting out. 

One guy, I hit the like button on or swiped or whatever the deal is.. I almost didn’t. There wasn’t a bio, I there wasn’t a Christian marker or anything. If they aren’t marked Christian it’s an automatic swipe no. Anyhow, a day or so later he messaged me. We’ve been talking ever since and Tuesday I met him for a last minute lunch date since I was in town and he was off work. 

I was nervous as hell. Carried my gun on me, 😆 and everything. He was super respectful, cheeky and a smart ass which I liked. Just like myself 😊. He’s 30, been married and divorced, no kids. Owns his home, works in the oilfield reading wells. 7 days on 7 days off. 

We just had a really good time and he invited me to his companies Christmas party in two weeks. He flew to his brothers house for thanksgiving and returns today. We are supposed to have another lunch date, but this time he’s driving to my city for it. 

Unknowingly I’ve been pushing him away or at least his kindness. He was finally like, I think daily you’ve tried ‘run me off’ or push me away. What’s that about. The more I thought about it, the more embarrassed I become. He’s 💯 right. I guess in my mind I’m trying to do him a favor by telling him my mess and I’m a mess and I won’t be surprised when he bails.

If you know my backstory maybe you can understand why. Deep down I KNOW my value and it’s clear he’s picking up on some of it too yet here I am almost already trying to sabotage something. I took note and did tell him I would make a concerted effort to try to accept his offers, compliments or whatever it may be for what it is at face value versus thinking he’s out to get me, or use me or whatever. 

I’d be stupid not to be cautious but he isn’t wrong in calling me out on the cynicism I seem to be operating off.

Anyhow, our conversation has been great. I’m just trying to relax, be mindful and embrace whatever this is.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You carried a gun to your first date? 😅

Also wait, 1 month or 6 months since your husband died? I dunno, just seems so short to me. But I guess you can make friends.

Though for friends I recommend meetup than dating apps.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> It’s been almost. One months since my husband died. Over half a year already


I'm confused.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So why are you on dating apps if you only want friendship? People are there to date, whether it's long term or casual so of course they'll back away if you're not on board. 

Why do you need male friends if you don't want to date? Why not join some groups and find women friends? Women friends are so important. You should probably get off dating apps until you're ready to actually date.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> You carried a gun to your first date? 😅
> 
> Also wait, 1 month or 6 months since your husband died? I dunno, just seems so short to me. But I guess you can make friends.
> 
> Though for friends I recommend meetup than dating apps.


Typo, notorious for not rereading before posting. Nine months. 

And yes I carried lol.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> So why are you on dating apps if you only want friendship? People are there to date, whether it's long term or casual so of course they'll back away if you're not on board.
> 
> Why do you need male friends if you don't want to date? Why not join some groups and find women friends? Women friends are so important. You should probably get off dating apps until you're ready to actually date.



I have female friends, also this dating app has the selection to make friends, I just made that clear in my bio that not my immediate intention to full on date. Why can a single female not have guy friends? What’s wrong with that?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Sfort said:


> I'm confused.


Serious typo and I didn’t review for error’s smh


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> You carried a gun to your first date? 😅
> 
> Also wait, 1 month or 6 months since your husband died? I dunno, just seems so short to me. But I guess you can make friends.
> 
> Though for friends I recommend meetup than dating apps.


Hadn’t heard of that one but I’ll check it out thank you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's been such a short time, I would give it another year at least and if you want friends then join groups, take up hobbies, sports etc. 
Plus you said you want a Christian guy but he isn't. Just wanted to let you know that when I was on OLD 4-5 years after my first marriage ended I got very despondent at the lack of available Christian guys compared to the number of women and was thinking about maybe dating non christians. God said "don't settle for second best". Ok I get the message!

As has been said you don't go onto OLD if you just want a friend. That's for people who want to date and mostly to have sex. 

Don't rush into anything.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's been such a short time, I would give it another year at least and if you want friends then join groups, take up hobbies, sports etc.
> Plus you said you want a Christian guy but he isn't. Just wanted to let you know that when I was on OLD 4-5 years after my first marriage ended I got very despondent at the lack of available Christian guys compared to the number of women and was thinking about maybe dating non christians. God said "don't settle for second best". Ok I get the message!
> 
> As has been said you don't go onto OLD if you just want a friend. That's for people who want to date and mostly to have sex.
> ...



I left that part out, he is a Christian and goes to a similar church. It wasn’t in his profile but I liked it anyway and was surprised to find out he is. 

I understand the time frame bothers some. And I disagree with your opinion on the apps. So if I’d said I’d just joined a meet up app as suggested above and then found this person I intended to make a friend out of end up as more that’s wrong? Come on. 

I’m not even saying that’s where that’s going, but I can go to lunch with a guy and it be platonic. I can be a party date and it be platonic. I was just sharing here, I know it’s an open platform and people will judge. 

I don’t so much care about that though. Input is input but when other judge widows for moving in “it’s so fast,” everyone’s circumstances are different. How do you suggest I put myself back out there? Wait the magical two years and THEN, THEN I should be ready?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, I started on the apps within weeks so I can't really judge. I found myself a crutch to quell the loneliness pretty quick, but even though I told her we were just friends she developed an attachment even though we never met. When she got mad over me dating work crush, ditched her, then didn't end up taking it further with work crush, then spent another 5 months dating.

Was like, 10, 11 months before intimacy? Then ditched her too after scratching the itch.

Throughout the journey, I wasn't ready at all, I still ain't, and doubt I will ever be as I learned I have nothing left to give. However, I had to go through this process, finding myself again, and dating did help, collateral damage minimal and overall worth it.

I may have act differently if widowed though, but I dunno, not going to judge.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> Well, I started on the apps within weeks so I can't really judge. I found myself a crutch to quell the loneliness pretty quick, but even though I told her we were just friends she developed an attachment even though we never met. When she got mad over me dating work crush, ditched her, then didn't end up taking it further with work crush, then spent another 5 months dating.
> 
> Was like, 10, 11 months before intimacy? Then ditched her too after scratching the itch.
> 
> ...


I feel stable in that I don’t NEED a man. I don’t need a man financially, I don’t need a man to fill an empty hole. Sure I’m lonely, but I’m not looking to fill that with a guy sexually. I just thought it would be good to get my feet wet so to speak. I have self control, I have my senses. 

At some point I know I’ll want a companion again. If I just hide out in my home or ONLY hang with girlfriend which is what I’ve been doing, how do I ever expect to be ‘ready.’

If I’m truthful, I think I am ready, I use that not ready as a crutch because I’m scared. I’m scared to trust again. Some would say, Diana, and other that is sign I’m not ready. Well then I guess I’ll never be ready if I go by that alone. It’s going to take just getting out there and starting small to learn how to trust guys again. 

I just wanted to share as it’s something positive in my life. I don’t expect all to agree.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I have female friends, also this dating app has the selection to make friends, I just made that clear in my bio that not my immediate intention to full on date. Why can a single female not have guy friends? What’s wrong with that?



Guys typically don't do the "friends" thing with women, I would think particularly if on a dating site. But admittedly have no experience with that. 

Now, if you said you were going on some hiking trips to potentially meet someone that may start out platonic, that would be something different. 

I would think even the guys selecting "just friends" would be thinking they are so awesome that you would drop that requirement the minute you met them. Lol. 

Do whatever suits you, but I can't see many guys wanting to play in your sandbox.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> Guys typically don't do the "friends" thing with women, I would think particularly if on a dating site. But admittedly have no experience with that.
> 
> Now, if you said you were going on some hiking trips to potentially meet someone that may start out platonic, that would be something different.
> 
> ...


Fair assumptions. For sure.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I have female friends, also this dating app has the selection to make friends, I just made that clear in my bio that not my immediate intention to full on date. Why can a single female not have guy friends? What’s wrong with that?


You can have guy friends if it happens organically. I certainly have them....guys that I know through work or hobbies that I share common interests with. With good boundaries of course.

But I think this might be a gender difference. I don't think men are typically on these apps looking for women to be only friends. You may have better luck engaging in hobbies and seeing who you connect with.

Men, what do you think?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

hamadryad said:


> Guys typically don't do the "friends" thing with women, I would think particularly if on a dating site. But admittedly have no experience with that.
> 
> Now, if you said you were going on some hiking trips to potentially meet someone that may start out platonic, that would be something different.
> 
> ...


I posted my response before I saw this and you addressed my question.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I have female friends, also this dating app has the selection to make friends, I just made that clear in my bio that not my immediate intention to full on date. Why can a single female not have guy friends? What’s wrong with that?


I think what may happen is these men who say they’re fine with being “just friends” will try to morph into FWB. If you’re okay with that possibly happening, then keep your bio as is. I just think most guys are on dating sites for hook ups or relationships, but you never know - you might find a good friend. 🤷‍♀️


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> I think what may happen is these men who say they’re fine with being “just friends” will try to morph into FWB. If you’re okay with that possibly happening, then keep your bio as is. I just think most guys are on dating sites for hook ups or relationships, but you never know - you might find a good friend. 🤷‍♀️


 Certainly don’t disagree in this at all.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I’m not even saying that’s where that’s going, but I can go to lunch with a guy and it be platonic. I can be a party date and it be platonic. I was just sharing here, I know it’s an open platform and people will judge.


I agree. I've even slept with a woman and kept it platonic. I wouldn't advise trying that with other men, though.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Several months back, I dated a widower whose wife had passed just six months before. He thought he was ready but there were a lot of things about dating that were very triggering for him. Simple everyday things like riding in a car together but passing by a certain restaurant were tough on him. He’d be fine one minute, then quiet and withdrawn the next. He clearly was not ready, so I stepped away.


II think I understand why you’re using the dating apps the way you are. You’re curious and you want to poke your head in and take a look around but you want a definite avenue of escape at the same time. The friendship barrier guarantees an escape for you.


I say, use the apps to satisfy your need to dip your toes back in just remain aware that your experience isn’t going to be typical due to your circumstances. Keep in mind that most people are on these apps to date because dating leads to potential connection, intimacy and physical affection so you’ll be getting some pressure from men which is totally normal for where they are coming from.

If you want to truly avoid the romantic side of dating, you would be better off joining some groups, such as the kind you can find on meetup.com.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Typo, notorious for not rereading before posting. Nine months.
> 
> And yes I carried lol.


Hmm. I carry as well, especially to WalMart and Target. For haircuts or other personal services as well due to the kind of men some of the ladies hang around. I dunno whether I'd go on a date where I felt the need to carry, though.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I have a SIG decal on my car, very noticeable. I never mention my fire arm though so they never know if I’m carrying or not. Keep them in the dark and keep them on their toes lol!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Men, what do you think?


I think she's going to break some foolish hearts. But that's ok. I also found some women don't understand what "just friends" mean so 🤷‍♂️

Still as long as she's honest it does help find yourself again jumping back in the dating pool. I wouldn't have realised how emotionally unavailable I am until I did.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Julie's Husband said:


> Hmm. I carry as well, especially to WalMart and Target. *For haircuts*


"You cut it too short!"


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Julie's Husband said:


> Hmm. I carry as well, especially to WalMart and Target. For haircuts or other personal services as well due to the kind of men some of the ladies hang around. I dunno whether I'd go on a date where I felt the need to carry, though.


It’s not that I felt I needed to carry because of him, it’s just what I do. As a single mom now, I’m hyper aware of my surroundings and always have my pistol.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

RandomDude said:


> "You cut it too short!"
> View attachment 94052


🤣

No, the problem is that quite a few ladies in the personal service industries are flaky and hang around men who from time to time do some severe violence at hair, nail or whatever salons. Could be really bad at massage, I guess, but I don't carry there. My wife had successful businesses in manicure and massage and I saw the type of people commonly in the industry. My wife excepted, of course.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> It’s not that I felt I needed to carry because of him, it’s just what I do. As a single mom now, I’m hyper aware of my surroundings and always have my pistol.


I understand and encourage other women to take control of their safety as well. 

Hmph. Truth is that I'm still to shy do deal with that scene so no worries. If I did, I'd celebrate finding out the lady is carrying.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Julie's Husband said:


> 🤣
> 
> No, the problem is that quite a few ladies in the personal service industries are flaky and hang around men who from time to time do some severe violence at hair, nail or whatever salons. Could be really bad at massage, I guess, but I don't carry there. My wife had successful businesses in manicure and massage and I saw the type of people commonly in the industry. My wife excepted, of course.


So you do pull the gun on them 😆 😋


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

RandomDude said:


> So you do pull the gun on them 😆 😋


Not quite understanding... At massage? No, it took me a long time to get to the point where I can accept touch as non sexual so I don't in any way want to change that. It is wonderful to be able to accept touch without anxiety.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Julie's Husband said:


> Not quite understanding... At massage? No, it took me a long time to get to the point where I can accept touch as non sexual so I don't in any way want to change that. It is wonderful to be able to accept touch without anxiety.


Was kidding lol 😆 just for us disarmed Aussies it's like another world


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

RandomDude said:


> Was kidding lol 😆 just for us disarmed Aussies it's like another world


I know. My wife is Aussie, we have constant chatter with her family here and in Oz, and from time to time I read the Sydney Morning Herald and one other paper. Nice place to visit, but I could not live in the political climate.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I don’t so much care about that though. Input is input but when other judge widows for moving in “it’s so fast,” everyone’s circumstances are different. How do you suggest I put myself back out there? Wait the magical two years and THEN, THEN I should be ready?


You are 100% right.
In the days before dating apps, there was “Joe is moving on so fast after Sharon died” yada yada. You get that chatter if it’s 6 weeks or 2 years.

But the reality is everyone is different and it’s ok to just be yourself. Grief is highly personal and there’s no recovery model that fits everyone. 9 months is fine. In fact, now that I think about it, that’s how long I waited too. My daughters were _not_ happy about that let me tell you! Lol.


Oh and “Just friends?” Ha ha, yea right. I’ve followed your posts. You may not _need_ a romantic interest but I’m pretty sure you want one. Just my hunch.

Either way, I’m glad you’re seeing some happiness in your life. Good job putting yourself out there and also for being super-selective. Be happy, don’t push him away, and have some (responsible) fun. Life is short.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> You are 100% right.
> In the days before dating apps, there was “Joe is moving on so fast after Sharon died” yada yada. You get that chatter if it’s 6 weeks or 2 years.
> 
> But the reality is everyone is different and it’s ok to just be yourself. Grief is highly personal and there’s no recovery model that fits everyone. 9 months is fine. In fact, now that I think about it, that’s how long I waited too. My daughters were _not_ happy about that let me tell you! Lol.
> ...


Freaking THANK YOU. I do want, but I just because I want it doesn’t mean much. I would truly like to start a friendship before anything. The rest can happen if it does. I’m not seeking a man to wine and dine me, maybe wine and dine WITH me, if that makes sense. 

Edited>> I can handle people opposing views, I cannot handle the opinions on when is too soon. You’re right though, everyone has their opinions on it no matter how long. The fact is, I’m doing everything I can to grieve in a healthy manner, it’s not always healthy, but I’m in therapy, I don’t shut myself up. I’m in church multiple times throughout the week. I’m plugged in everywhere I can be and should be. 

Why not plug into what might be in my future. Not force it, but start the doggie paddling so to speak. I can always get back to shore.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Freaking THANK YOU. I do want, but I just because I want it doesn’t mean much. I would truly like to start a friendship before anything. The rest can happen if it does. I’m not seeking a man to wine and dine me, maybe wine and dine WITH me, if that makes sense.


I can relate and understand completely. My relationship with my wife might not have happened had it not just grown "organically". I think you are on a good path.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So maybe it's better to just admit you do want a romantic interest but just need to move slowly. The idea that you should wait X amount of time is stupid....if you want to meet men then meet men. Just be really honest about what you want and what you're going to get.

You're very unlikely to go on OLD and find platonic male friends to go to dinner with and pretend there's no other agenda there. I have one particular male friend that i have lunch with from time to time but he's my former boss and we always enjoyed each other's company. There is ZERO romance going on....we talk politics and the stock market and he says I'm one of the smartest people he's ever known and likes our discussions. But he's on dating sites looking for romantic partners....our paths crossed at work. That's an example of how you find platonic friends.

I actually met my bf pretty quickly after my divorce and wasn't ready to jump right in. But I did find him attractive and enjoyed his company and spent several months hanging out and chatting with him before anything intimate happened and by then I was ready. It's now been 4 years and I'm crazy about him. Something like that might work for you.

Forget the "friendship" stuff.....that's guy talk for FWB. Meet men and take it slow...anyone who pushes for quick sex gets the boot (unless you want that but it doesn't sound like you do). Then you can find out what's out there and be ready if you find one you really like.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> The fact is, I’m doing everything I can to grieve in a healthy manner, it’s not always healthy, but I’m in therapy, I don’t shut myself up. I’m in church multiple times throughout the week. I’m plugged in everywhere I can be and should be.
> 
> Why not plug into what might be in my future. Not force it, but start the doggie paddling so to speak. I can always get back to shore.


People cope differently, by comparison I pulled the plug from everything and isolated myself 😅

Peace in my own thoughts, serene enough to process everything I need to process.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Anyone with an opinion on how long you should wait can **** right off.

This is your life.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> So maybe it's better to just admit you do want a romantic interest but just need to move slowly. The idea that you should wait X amount of time is stupid....if you want to meet men then meet men. Just be really honest about what you want and what you're going to get.
> 
> You're very unlikely to go on OLD and find platonic male friends to go to dinner with and pretend there's no other agenda there. I have one particular male friend that i have lunch with from time to time but he's my former boss and we always enjoyed each other's company. There is ZERO romance going on....we talk politics and the stock market and he says I'm one of the smartest people he's ever known and likes our discussions. But he's on dating sites looking for romantic partners....our paths crossed at work. That's an example of how you find platonic friends.
> 
> ...


You’re right. I hadn’t thought of the taking it slow as you’ve described. I guess really that’s what I mean.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> You’re right. I hadn’t thought of the taking it slow as you’ve described. I guess really that’s what I mean.


Slow will help you make better decisions anyway. You still have trauma from both an abusive marriage and your hb's end.

If I'd taken things slow after my first marriage, which was abusive, I wouldn't have married the second. You can't to go down the what if rabbit hole without unraveling the tapestry of your life but I probably would've been better off.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Slow will help you make better decisions anyway. You still have trauma from both an abusive marriage and your hb's end.
> 
> If I'd taken things slow after my first marriage, which was abusive, I wouldn't have married the second. You can't to go down the what if rabbit hole without unraveling the tapestry of your life but I probably would've been better off.


When relationships are abusive it seems to shorten the recovery time I found, sometimes no recovery time is required.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> People cope differently, by comparison I pulled the plug from everything and isolated myself 😅
> 
> Peace in my own thoughts, serene enough to process everything I need to process.


Absolutely...you and I are carbon copies right there. And when it was time, it was time. But not before.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Just wanted to add this

No disrespect to the OP or anyone else. I'll tell you this, as a guy who knows a lot of men that wound up divorced later in life. Sure, some had exit affairs so you didn't see them on the apps. But also there were quite a few, that by choice or not, were in very long sexless situations, and those guys are what make up a lot of the guys out there looking. 

Those types are looking to get laid quick. Not that they are even dogs or anything, they just desperately need that aspect because they have been locked up in a cage for so long, they are gonna blow the doors off it first chance they get. .Like a little kid on Christmas. I can't blame them, really. 

I don't pretend to be a relationship coach or anything, perhaps just keep this in mind. It may mean nothing but it's worth mentioning. It may be a scenario where some of these guys just won't want to participate in a drawn out dog and pony show. And that's fine if you have that type of pre requisite just mentioning it, because it's highly unlikely any guy would admit to what I am saying, because no decent woman wants to hear it.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> When relationships are abusive it seems to shorten the recovery time I found, sometimes no recovery time is required.


Yes it does. I don’t think many understand that, or they take it way left and say “well that’s all the more reason to wait longer.”

If I waited for ‘proper time to pass’ for all that to clear my system, I’d be in my 60’s. There are things I know will always stick around but it doesn’t have to dictate my life or future love interests. Also, as long as I’m not holding future love interests in contempt or hostage for what was done to me in my former marriage, well then, I’d say that’s as healthily and ready as anyone like me can expect to me.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Men, what do you think?


Woman friend = someone that I do activities with in groups. I know her name and would say hi on the street, but we’re not doing stuff together with just us, with the rare exception of going to a group workout and nobody else shows.

Anything 1-1 and I’m not married, probably trying to bang. For me the idea of an opposite sex friend is a bit scary, like there’s something wrong with her if she’d actually want to hang like a guy friend.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Woman friend = someone that I do activities with in groups. I know her name and would say hi on the street, but we’re not doing stuff together with just us, with the rare exception of going to a group workout and nobody else shows.
> 
> Anything 1-1 and I’m not married, probably trying to bang. For me the idea of an opposite sex friend is a bit scary, like there’s something wrong with her if she’d actually want to hang like a guy friend.


I can get this. I have agreed with a prior comment or that I am more likely not looking for a friend vs, taking things truly slow. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Corgi Mum (10 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I can get this. I have agreed with a prior comment or that I am more likely not looking for a friend vs, taking things truly slow. 🤷🏼‍♀️


Believe it or not, years ago I did find a male friend on a dating site (I think this was before "apps" existed). We figured out really quickly that we were not compatible for a relationship but I thought he was a cool guy and he seemed to think highly of me so we ended up as friends. And not FWB, it was totally platonic. Since we were both single we would occasionally go out together to things like concerts that we didn't want to attend alone. The only reason the friendship ended was because he moved to another province.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

@Bulfrog1987 ....yes , you have waited long enough. Why not see what kind of companionship is out there . I would. You do you girl. 
Good luck Jimi


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

I think it's difficult as a widow in your position to know exactly what you're ready for. My wife (a widow) thought she did when we started dating and ended up surprised. So this idea you need to go on a dating site and specifically explain to men exactly what you're looking for is highly unrealistic. 

Just keep putting yourself out there and do whatever feels right. Whether it be a new friend to hang out with or a weeklong sex marathon. And if anyone you run into judges or has sour grapes because they didn't end up getting exactly what they wanted then they can go suck an egg.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your husband was an asshat …. 2 weeks would have been enough.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> Woman friend = someone that I do activities with in groups. I know her name and would say hi on the street, but we’re not doing stuff together with just us, with the rare exception of going to a group workout and nobody else shows.
> 
> Anything 1-1 and I’m not married, probably trying to bang. For me the idea of an opposite sex friend is a bit scary, like there’s something wrong with her if she’d actually want to hang like a guy friend.


I never had any problem with women in the friend zone and that includes one on one activities.

A lot of them certainly seemed to have trouble keeping it in the friendly realm though.🙄


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> Just wanted to add this
> 
> No disrespect to the OP or anyone else. I'll tell you this, as a guy who knows a lot of men that wound up divorced later in life. Sure, some had exit affairs so you didn't see them on the apps. But also there were quite a few, that by choice or not, were in very long sexless situations, and those guys are what make up a lot of the guys out there looking.
> 
> ...


I wholeheartedly agree with you and that is something I mention up front. I’m very transparent.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> I never had any problem with women in the friend zone and that includes one on one activities.
> 
> A lot of them certainly seemed to have trouble keeping it in the friendly realm though.🙄


Yuuuuup. And I’m certainly NOt naive to think a friendship can easily be replaced with lust, or the want of a man. That’s definitely in me, I am just super aware of it and want to have initial boundaries that are realistic and manageable.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm just happy you are living @Bulfrog1987 .

I agree about you taking it slowly instead of just looking for friends though friends are great and sometimes do grow into more.

I have always liked the idea of getting into activity groups for meeting people.

I don't know anything first hand about OLD and from what I've heard, I don't think I want to. LoL!

Keep your standards for sure. You don't need to compromise.

I hope you are enjoying getting out there.👍


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> Keep your standards for sure. You don't need to compromise.


And keep carrying! Don't compromise your safety either!!


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

I downloaded the meetup app some posters mentions 😆 because of my location there are no events around me, closest is Dallas which is upwards of four hours away. 

Anyhow, it made me laugh  2nd lunch together was good. Had it had a state park and walked the trails. Later the next day I made a joking comment about seeing what he’s made of in response to a statement about his last girlfriends being toxic and he should have seen red flags. 

He got all defense. “I have a career, a home and no debt, I don’t have anything to prove to anyone.” I was just being a wise ass lol. 

Anyway, haven’t heard from him sense 🤣 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You're a Texas girl? I'm two hours from DFW.🤠


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I downloaded the meetup app some posters mentions 😆 because of my location there are no events around me, closest is Dallas which is upwards of four hours away.
> 
> Anyhow, it made me laugh  2nd lunch together was good. Had it had a state park and walked the trails. Later the next day I made a joking comment about seeing what he’s made of in response to a statement about his last girlfriends being toxic and he should have seen red flags.
> 
> ...


Should have asked him if he wanted a medal... 😂


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## AdisWellys (1 mo ago)

I think it is great that you enjoy having time with this guy. However, if you are not ready for another relationship, you better don't do it. And I wouldn't suggest you look for a friendship on dating apps; people mostly search for dates, and men specifically - for sex there. So I wouldn't recommend you continue your search for the date there. Such services are suitable for finding a partner. I also tried this service as a joke, and I couldn't believe finding a good boyfriend on a dating app. My advice is: use it, but when your heart is ready. Be sure you forgot about your hubby, and you won't compare new guys to him. Otherwise, you can hurt yourself and your boyfriend.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

AdisWellys said:


> I think it is great that you enjoy having time with this guy. However, if you are not ready for another relationship, you better don't do it.


How do you suggest I learn that? It’s just something I should know right?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I downloaded the meetup app some posters mentions 😆 because of my location there are no events around me, closest is Dallas which is upwards of four hours away.
> 
> Anyhow, it made me laugh  2nd lunch together was good. Had it had a state park and walked the trails. Later the next day I made a joking comment about seeing what he’s made of in response to a statement about his last girlfriends being toxic and he should have seen red flags.
> 
> ...


Has he reached out yet?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> Has he reached out yet?


He did actually. Said that he wasn’t feeling any certain way but that he was waiting for me to respond. I did respond to him I said you’re absolutely right you don’t have anything to prove to anyone and I left it at that.

We continue to chitchat just a bit here and there but nothing major. I really don’t have the want you to see him again but that’s the problem with text messages sometimes you read too much into something. And honestly it’s probably me too worrying about him only being 30 years old. I’m used to being with somebody older and a different level of maturity so that could be an issue for me and dating to.


Certainly I don’t want anything like what I had and I do realize that I too am young I’m just 35 but with what I’ve been through I certainly don’t feel like I’m just 35. I need somebody that can meet my type of mentality.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I’m just 35 but with what I’ve been through I certainly don’t feel like I’m just 35


You‘re an old soul in some really important ways. That’s sad, but reality.

I doubt the kids will work for you. I’d say aim for mature, and possibly in the 5-10 year ahead of you bracket.

Just my thoughts, I have zero useful insight here.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> You‘re an old soul in some really important ways. That’s sad, but reality.
> 
> I doubt the kids will work for you. I’d say aim for mature, and possibly in the 5-10 year ahead of you bracket.
> 
> Just my thoughts, I have zero useful insight here.


That’s exactly the right way to put it. You have women who claim this kind of thing as a sort of badge of honor. I suppose in certain situations it is a bade of honor but it’s so flippantly applied by women and men too, that it’s hard to us it as a means to explain myself.

And saying it to a 30 yo ‘man’ as all think they are is like a slap in their face. “I’m a MAN! I have x,y,z..”

_sigh_

Anyhow, your insight is very useful. I just long for a soul who can understand it as you’ve explained here.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Ignore anyone that doesn't check christian, huh? Don't be surprised if you get some hypocrites.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

OnTheRocks said:


> Ignore anyone that doesn't check christian, huh? Don't be surprised if you get some hypocrites.


Why would it offend you for a Christian to not want to date a non-Christian?

Most secular people I know cannot handle deep discussions on Scripture or prophecy or Christian topics in general. They have other interests.

So for @Bulfrog1987 to not want to date a secular means that she doesnt want to be limited in discussing topics of Christianity that interests her and marrying a secular person would mean limiting the conversation for her. It would be a level of intimacy she would not be able to enjoy in life.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

OnTheRocks said:


> Ignore anyone that doesn't check christian, huh? Don't be surprised if you get some hypocrites.


@Bulfrog1987, the very first thing you should be saying to these men is, ‘Tell me your beliefs. Share your worldview with me.’

Any Christian man should be able to lay this out very clearly for you.

And, in general, any man, regardless of belief system, should be able to explain their priorities and how they view the world. Otherwise, you’re dealing with an immature person who just wants to play.


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