# depressed wife wants to break up



## nappy (Nov 27, 2013)

We have been married over 10 yrs and have one son (6 yrs old). Recently, my wife brought up the subject of us splitting up. I was very surprised as we have not been fighting as of recent.

My wife was diagnosed with depression and anxiety well before we met. She is on meds and sees her psych and therapist on a regular basis. Last year she was in what we thought at the time was a minor car accident (some guy backed into her in a parking lot). She was diagnosed with whiplash and possible concussion although she claims she did not hit her head. She was alone in the car. About a month after the accident she begins to display behaviors including paranoia of me, crying spells, outburst of anger toward me and my son, lethargy, difficulty thinking and migraines (although she was experiencing migraines before the accident she claims they were more frequent after). She stopped going to work (she's self-employed) and eventually checked herself in to a residential clinic where she spent almost a week.

Since then my life has been very difficult dealing with taking care of her, my son and keeping up with domestic chores, etc. I nearly had a mental breakdown mid-summer and began to see a therapist, which has helped a ton. We have seen marriage counselors in the past, and were seeing one this summer but have since stopped. Most of her symptoms have gotten better, but some, like the lethargy have not gotten a lot better. She has returned to work on a reduced schedule after being out for 4-5 months (she was only working part time before the accident). I have been patiently waiting for her to get better hoping then she would then be more intimate which was impossible when she was so sick. However, now that the symptoms have mostly gone, she has not shown any interest in being intimate, and now is talking about breaking up. 

I feel so alone most of the time. I love my wife and have told her so, and that I do not want to split. I know our marriage is not perfect and there are things we need to work on, but I feel like she has given up. My heart is breaking and I can't help but feel a little bit angry as she has barely ever showed me much if any appreciation for all the hard work I have done over the past year. Just the opposite; she claims that I create my own stress and that most of what I did in picking up the slack was unnecessary. 

We've had our problems in the past but I get the feeling this is different. She claims that we don't need to wait for something major to happen (like infidelity) before making the decision to break up. She claims to not have cheated on me and I have not on her. 

I just don't know what to do at this point. I hate the idea of divorce as I made a promise and still love her but what can I do if she is unwilling to try and save the marriage?

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Sorry your hear. My wayward spouse has been diagnosed and has anxiety and depression. I thought it was due to the stress of our lives. I was making less money and on the road. I also assumed that her medicine was temporary. According to the doctor she sees for it once the mind starts to have these depression bouts the tolerence goes up for them, making it easier to have them. I was never totally convinced of that and thought of it as more of a temporary problem when she could eventually get off of the medicine, not happening. She needs her pills all the time. 

I also thought she was better. I have been blamed for her mental problems. Screamed at for suggesting she seeks another opinion, etc. etc. It was tricky to talk about and she was always defensive about it. I married for "in sickness and in health". 

Now your probably thinking that she will get better if your not around, because you were the main cause of her issues. I'm just assuming that of course. I thought that too because I was convinced for time that it was my fault. I realize now its not and its not your fault either. Her happiness is not your responsibility. You can be happy no matter what situation you are in life. Happiness is an internal affair. My point being, if she's blaming you for her depression and such, don't listen to it and leaving won't fix it. 
If she is convinced that she must leave then there is not much you can do to prevent it. Try not to grovel or beg. You will only look weaker. If she says she will leave, let her go and start a 180. Take care of yourself, see a councilor talk to a lawyer etc. etc.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

I'm going through a tough time too. I read the MMSLP by Athol Kay and it helped. The 180 helps to, look after yourself. Do not try to beg, plead and persuade her. It will make it worse.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

Fordsvt said:


> Do not try to beg, plead and persuade her. It will make it worse.


This X 100. I did those things and it made my relationship go from maybe fixable to maybe intolerable. Back off and give her space. Try to not leave her unless you have to but leave her alone and let her figure out that it is not you.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

Here's a thought, if she has low self esteem, maybe she respects you less for helping her through a tough time. If she thinks she is worthless then anyone who wants to be with her or help her is stupid and/or worthless. I know because I used to be this way. So where you normally would be thanking someone or happy that this person wants to help you, you actually now have lost respect for them simply because they care about you. "I mean seriously what is wrong with you if you want to hang out with me?" - that's the thought that used to go through my head. I think that's what leads to the psychology of "the chase is better than the catch". My personal opinion (and don't flame me for this if you disagree) is that medication for depression is a quick fix to refusing to look at what is really making you depressed. I have been very depressed at times in my life and am finding myself depressed right now, but for me depression comes when I feel stuck. When I feel like I can't change my life or have lost control of it. I think medication can help temporarily to make you feel ok... or if you are suicidal, but if you continue to take it then you are avoiding the real issue. The answer is to get therapy not to take pills. That's just how I deal with my depression. 

So maybe backing off is what she needs, pick up some of your own interests and start living your life, she will likely respect you more and it might bring her closer.


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