# Would like to have a guy friend



## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Stupid post I know. Wondering if any other betrayed spouses feel this way and if yes how to go about making friends with the opposite gender just for friendship. 

Is this a good idea or should I keep working on myself only?

Guys, is this even possible? 

Have not had a guy friend since before I was married.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

I know what you mean. I'm 50+, own my home, set in my ways. Have been divorced 3 yr now and I'm in no hurry to jump into another relationship. I like my space. But it would be nice to have someone in my life.. he just needs to have his own place. LOL


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Should have read Emotional Hiccups before I posted lol.
I'm thinking guys as friends only is a not so much now. 

Still would be nice to have a guy to talk to....


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

A lot of opposite sex friendships have a base level of attraction, but not all do so it is possible. I have female friends that I have absolutely no attraction to and there is no way it would ever move beyond platonic. You could always find a gay man if you are worried about the friendship moving to something more. Out of curiosity, what does a guy offer you that a woman doesn't in terms of friendship?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Bananapeel said:


> A lot of opposite sex friendships have a base level of attraction, but not all do so it is possible. I have female friends that I have absolutely no attraction to and there is no way it would ever move beyond platonic. You could always find a gay man if you are worried about the friendship moving to something more. Out of curiosity, what does a guy offer you that a woman doesn't in terms of friendship?


For starters, he'd be someone I could call to come over and figure out once and for all why my hard wired smoke detector keeps chirping even after I changed the battery.....and change lightbulbs I can't reach, and.... 

OK, I'm not the OP, but I do get this on some level obviously.

I have a single friend (well actually she is dating someone now) who actually did find a guy friend through online dating. She actually put in her profile that's what she was looking for lol. She said most did not respond positively but she found a nice guy who did. (She never went on a date with him, but I did, which is a story in another post here on TAM). 

I guess you could give that a whirl! Or, join some Meetup groups with both men and women in them?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Nothing wrong with it. I have a few female friends that I have zero attraction to but love them as my friends. I find thier advice valuable navigating the world of dating because I have a terrible picker in women. They in turn have used my opinions on dating guys. So long as it's plutonic and no attraction I think it's great to get another genders perspective in life!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> Nothing wrong with it. I have a few female friends that I have zero attraction to but love them as my friends. I find thier advice valuable navigating the world of dating because I have a terrible picker in women. They in turn have used my opinions on dating guys. So long as it's plutonic and no attraction I think it's great to get another genders perspective in life!


I have a guy friend like this, too, and he's married now, but when we were both single, it was good to bounce dating stuff off one another. And it still is even though he's married. He is still a guy . We actually met on a dating site after my divorce, but he lives several states away and he's not someone I'd ever be interested in dating. His wife knows all about me and is not threatened. We email each other about twice a week. I met him once in person when he came to my area for a job interview, and his then girlfriend knew about that, too.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Bananapeel said:


> A lot of opposite sex friendships have a base level of attraction, but not all do so it is possible. I have female friends that I have absolutely no attraction to and there is no way it would ever move beyond platonic. You could always find a gay man if you are worried about the friendship moving to something more. Out of curiosity, what does a guy offer you that a woman doesn't in terms of friendship?


A BIG BEAR HUG when needed.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have had many platonic male friends over the years, it really IS possible, despite what some people think. I have always been like "one of the guys" so it just feels natural to me to hang out with them with no other intentions on either side. You just need to be aware that someone you commit to in the future may not be cool with the friendship and you will have to respect and deal with that when it comes.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> For starters, he'd be someone I could call to come over and figure out once and for all why my hard wired smoke detector keeps chirping even after I changed the battery.....and change lightbulbs I can't reach, and....
> 
> OK, I'm not the OP, but I do get this on some level obviously.
> 
> ...


I was suspecting your motives at your first post....You need a house boy, not a friend.....Friends do not expect friends to do chores...


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Nothing wrong with it. I have a few female friends that I have zero attraction to but love them as my friends. I find thier advice valuable navigating the world of dating because I have a terrible picker in women. They in turn have used my opinions on dating guys. So long as it's *plutonic and no attraction* I think it's great to get another genders perspective in life!


Yes, those non-planets have a lot less gravitational attraction than real planets! >


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Woodchuck said:


> I was suspecting your motives at your first post....You need a house boy, not a friend.....Friends do not expect friends to do chores...


I am not the original poster.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I wish I had a male friend I could go do stuff with, like go to concerts, movies, dinner. I have female friends I can do that with, but I miss male one-on-one company.

Sounds like I'm saying I wish I had a boyfriend, but I'm not ready for an intimate relationship yet - I tie my emotions up into sexual relationships - I don't think I could do that with no strings attached. But once in a while, I like to talk to a guy about things and get the male perspective. I at least have male co-workers I can get that from here and there, but we don't have a lot of time at work for chit chat.

I just miss having a man in my life. HS, I think this means we're making progress in our healing. A few weeks ago, I was still in the She-Woman Man Haters club. Something's changed where I don't miss my ex specifically anymore, but I do long for adult male company every so often. That's something


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> For starters, he'd be someone I could call to come over and figure out once and for all why my hard wired smoke detector keeps chirping even after I changed the battery.....and change lightbulbs I can't reach, and....


There are two batteries in a smoke detector. The second one is a watch type battery and its going dead(or is dead). Thats why its still chirping. You are welcome. DUDE


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I'm good friends with my ex-wife and there is NOTHING going on there outside of friendship. Good dudes aren't trying to bang every female they befriend. DUDE


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> For starters, he'd be someone I could call to come over and figure out once and for all why my hard wired smoke detector keeps chirping even after I changed the battery.....and change lightbulbs I can't reach, and....


The smoke detector in my basement had the sensor go bad and would be triggered by dust or steam. They are so cheap and easy to replace (even the hard wired ones) that there is no point in trying to figure out the problem. Just swap it out; it only takes a few minutes. Have you thought about finding a guy friend to help talk you through it? :grin2:


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Define "good friends," Dude. Do you meet your ex wife alone for lunches, dinners, movies, etc., and your current wife is OK with that?

I think my ex thinks he and I are good friends because we can talk amicably to one another when in the same place because he's picking up or dropping off our son, but I would never meet him alone for lunch or dinner - his GF wouldn't take too kindly to that, and I wouldn't want to have that kind of contact with him even if she didn't care.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Yeah we've hung out a lot. Went camping, dinners, bday parties w her and her ex husband. Her exh and I became good friends and took my son places together. My wife knows there is absolutely nothing there. It was great as my son was growing up because his parents were more or less pals. Just because marriage didn't work she nor I needed to write each other off. We'd even make jokes like "your loss" over the years. If you are secure and detached emotionally(if she and I were ever attached emotionally ha) it can be done. We were only together like 2.5 years so that made it easier. Also I can compartmentalize anything or anyone. dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Bananapeel said:


> The smoke detector in my basement had the sensor go bad and would be triggered by dust or steam. They are so cheap and easy to replace (even the hard wired ones) that there is no point in trying to figure out the problem. Just swap it out; it only takes a few minutes. Have you thought about finding a guy friend to help talk you through it? :grin2:


Yes, are you volunteering?? >

I had to hunt for YouTube videos yesterday just to figure out how to even change batteries in hard wired smoke detectors! Now I find out there are TWO? Where the heck is the second one hiding??

The one in my basement has been chirping for several weeks. My main concern right now is the two upstairs on bedroom level, although I suppose the one in my son's room shouldn't worry me since he slept until 2:15PM yesterday with it chirping away right over his bed.

OP, sorry for the threadjack!! :surprise:


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> Yeah we've hung out a lot. Went camping, dinners, bday parties w her and her ex husband. Her exh and I became good friends and took my son places together. My wife knows there is absolutely nothing there. It was great as my son was growing up because his parents were more or less pals. Just because marriage didn't work she nor I needed to write each other off. We'd even make jokes like "your loss" over the years. If you are secure and detached emotionally(if she and I were ever attached emotionally ha) it can be done. We were only together like 2.5 years so that made it easier. Also I can compartmentalize anything or anyone. dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is the ideal situation, for sure, but utterly impossible in some situations. Good for you!


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Dude007 said:


> Also I can compartmentalize anything or anyone. dude


Must be nice. My daughter can do that and I attribute that to why she takes the divorce so with the flow. 
Wish I could do that. Maybe I could be indifferent to stbx a lot faster.

I don't want to be friends with stbx. He is a true jerk. An arrogant ass of all jacks. This is not only from me being his wife but years and years of people who've met or dealt with him.

So like Beans said, I would like a male friend for conversation, meeting some (NOT ALL!) emotional needs and bear hugs. 
Can I put that on my Christmas list? 
Yeah, sad. I know.

Now how do I go about making a friend like that when all my time is consumed with online classes, driving to and from work and work where I hand out marriage licenses?! LOL.
Is this my karma bus?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Honestly the thing about compartmentalizing peeps is you kinda view all relationships as temporary except for my kids because they will outlive me. All others are most likely just w me for a season however long that may be . So I enjoy them and I am extra grateful for them I think. That's another reason why I cant hold a grudge or be overly judgemental. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Must be nice. My daughter can do that and I attribute that to why she takes the divorce so with the flow.
> Wish I could do that. Maybe I could be indifferent to stbx a lot faster.
> 
> *I don't want to be friends with stbx. He is a true jerk. An arrogant ass of all jacks. This is not only from me being his wife but years and years of people who've met or dealt with him.*
> ...


I could have written this and feel exactly the same way. My ex isn't even allowed on my sister/BIL's property. He has very few friends, unlike me.

I work from home full time and really only socialize with women (i.e. my single mom's group), so I get how you feel. I really should join a mixed gender Meetup group.....maybe after the holidays....


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> For starters, he'd be someone I could call to come over and figure out once and for all why my hard wired smoke detector keeps chirping even after I changed the battery.....and change lightbulbs I can't reach, and....
> 
> OK, I'm not the OP, but I do get this on some level obviously.
> 
> ...



If it's for the handyman stuff, OP. ( I know the handyman stuff wasn't something OP referenced specifically but thought I'd put that out there) ..definitely figure out how to do it yourself (Home Depot has some classes on that stuff) so your new friend doesn't feel used, or hire a handyman. But yeah, new friends of can be incredibly fun to be around, girls or guys, if they share common interests.


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

HS, all the things you are feeling is natural and nothing wrong with it. For some people, having a friend of the opposite sex is no big deal. While others find it difficult. After all, this new feeling of loneliness sucks big time. You start missing all things that were often normal day things in the marriage. Doesn't help that the WS is constantly on our minds. It's a normal process though. The same with all break ups. The only way to get rid of this loniness is to have someone in your life again. 

You have to be aware though of your vulnerability at the moment. You might over look a lot of things you don't really need in your life right now. So far you seem to be doing all the right things to get your life back on track. I felt this way also, still feel it now and then. My sister noticed this month's ago and talked me into joining an online dating site just to met new people and get the WW off my mind. Though chatting with some new people help a little. I later realized that they did nothing but distracted me from the things I knew I had to do to better myself. I knew I wanted to meet someone new but I knew it was not what I needed right now. 
Our WS did everything they wanted but didn't do what they actually needed to do. Sometimes what you want is not what you need. Like the rolling Stones song. Lol. A friend of mine took a year off before he decided to even bother with the opposite sex. He took time to enjoy stuff and find himself again. You need to take time and find your new self. You are doing good so far. Keep it up and let everything fall into place. Let time do its job.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

"The only way to get rid of this loniness is to have someone in your life again." Actually it's the opposite, the only true way of getting rid of loneliness is spending a lot of time ALONE. I know it's counterintuitive but that's how it works. You become comfortable by yourself and the loneliness goes away. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aroleid (Sep 20, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> "The only way to get rid of this loniness is to have someone in your life again." Actually it's the opposite, the only true way of getting rid of loneliness is spending a lot of time ALONE. I know it's counterintuitive but that's how it works. You become comfortable by yourself and the loneliness goes away. Dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think loneliness is the result of an unmet expectation. The key to losing the loneliness is by letting go of this expectation, and reframe your thought process.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Dadgum y'all. All I wanted was a hug.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Too many over achievers on here!! ha! DUDE


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Aroleid said:


> honeysuckle04 said:
> 
> 
> > Dadgum y'all. All I wanted was a hug.
> ...


Oh give me a break. Of course I didn't mean literally or even seriously.

Happy Thursday to you all!


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

:toast:

Closest I could find was a fist bump. Hang in there.



honeysuckle04 said:


> Dadgum y'all. All I wanted was a hug.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Best way to develop platonic guy friends to go do things guys do. Pick an interest of yours. Take a class, join a club. The trick is to make sure it's mixed genders and your age/maturity level. 

Make friends in class, as you get to know other people, more friends will fall into place. It's a process and building intimacy takes time. 

If a guy comes on strong and starts offering to come over and replace bulbs and batteries, he wants more. I like fixing things for my girlfriend. But that's because she finds me sexy in my toolbelt. 

That's not to say that if a female friend called me and needed something in an emergency I wouldn't help. I would. But, if it became a regular call for help, I'd find her the phone number for a reliable handyman. I have 3 houses to maintain already, don't need another unless it comes with perks.


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