# If you are separated and have children...



## ItWillHappen (Dec 2, 2013)

If you are separated and have children, how will you handle Christmas with the children? 

My husband moved out almost 2 weeks ago. We are still on speaking terms. He wants to be there for the gifts opening Christmas morning...


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## TexDad034 (Oct 9, 2013)

Might be an eye opener for him if you didn't allow it. Sure it would be best for the kids to have both parents there for Christmas, but if he wants to be gone he needs to understand that at some point, you and him will have to do it separately from here on out. That is the tough reality about divorce or separation, and it could help him realize that by moving out, he made that decision.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ItWillHappen said:


> If you are separated and have children, how will you handle Christmas with the children?
> 
> My husband moved out almost 2 weeks ago. We are still on speaking terms. He wants to be there for the gifts opening Christmas morning...


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/74433-one-transaction-time.html

If you're not ok with playing happy family, tell him so.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I've been separated for almost three years. I've been to all the kids' birthdays for cake and gift openings, as well as Christmas's. 

Working together and staying amicable is the best thing for the kids, in my opinion and experience. When parents start using the kids (either access to them or alienating their affections), that's a good way to hurt the kids more than anyone else.

C


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

PBear said:


> I've been separated for almost three years. I've been to all the kids' birthdays for cake and gift openings, as well as Christmas's.
> 
> Working together and staying amicable is the best thing for the kids, in my opinion and experience. When parents start using the kids (either access to them or alienating their affections), that's a good way to hurt the kids more than anyone else.
> 
> C


It's worth noting that she wasn't unfaithful and it was your decision to move out.

I do believe it makes a difference here.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Conrad said:


> It's worth noting that she wasn't unfaithful and it was your decision to move out.
> 
> I do believe it makes a difference here.


 Everyone's situation is different. But in my case, my wife wasn't aware of my infidelity, so it wasn't an issue as far as her responses to me. I'm also trying to speak to what may be best for the kids. 

I think the biggest difference in the OP's situation and mine is that I waited till AFTER the holidays to end the marriage and move out. So by the time the kids' birthdays and Christmas came around, we had about 10 months to get over the initial pain and make adjustments. I'm pretty sure my STBX didn't want to see my face for the first while, and I don't blame her for that

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

PBear said:


> Everyone's situation is different. But in my case, my wife wasn't aware of my infidelity, so it wasn't an issue as far as her responses to me. I'm also trying to speak to what may be best for the kids.
> 
> I think the biggest difference in the OP's situation and mine is that I waited till AFTER the holidays to end the marriage and move out. So by the time the kids' birthdays and Christmas came around, we had about 10 months to get over the initial pain and make adjustments. I'm pretty sure my STBX didn't want to see my face for the first while, and I don't blame her for that
> 
> ...


She has no idea what he's up to, but he's likely cheating.

And, he abandoned her.

She should go with what she's ok with until he shows his hand.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Having two emotionally healthy parents is very important to the kids, and she needs to do what's right for her as well. And him leaving just before the holidays is a pretty much @sshole move. My decision to not move out till after the holidays was a very deliberate decision.

C


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

PBear said:


> Having two emotionally healthy parents is very important to the kids, and she needs to do what's right for her as well. And him leaving just before the holidays is a pretty much @sshole move. My decision to not move out till after the holidays was a very deliberate decision.
> 
> C


And she should decide how to be good to herself.

Should they divorce, she can reconsider down the road when she understands the entire situation.

But, given the overwhelming pain she's in right now - and the fear of not knowing - it's possible that giving in to this request for doormat behavior will be like a knife through the heart. All the false hope. All the weakness.

These are the things she needs to consider to make a good decision.

Their long-term ability to co-parent is not what's at stake this month. This is about her emotional health.


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## ItWillHappen (Dec 2, 2013)

Thank you for sharing your views.

Yes, I thought him telling me he no longer loved me 2 weeks after my father passed away, and exactly 2 days before our wedding anniversary was a cruel move. Not to mention that it was the day before Thanksgiving when he announced that there was no hope he could ever regain those feelings and moved to his parents house. The day before Thanksgiving. Wow.

I'm still torn about Christmas. I know he's gonna suggest spending the night to be with us early the next morning, which is going to be met with a firm NO. I know my daughter would probably like to have him there when she opens her presents, so I do need to take that into consideration when deciding whether I let him show up or not, right?
Also, what's stopping him from showing up anyway? 

I also know that he's gonna want to take our daughter to his parents' house on Christmas day. That's going to be heart-wrenching for me. What about New Year's? All this stress and drama is horrible. I know it will get better with time, but learning to share our daughter with this heartless guy is a VERY difficult task!


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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

Firstly - sorry that you've had a really rough time lately. 

I would tell him he is welcome to call and share some time with your daughter but give him a time slot. 

Allow him to bring your daughter to her grandparents but say that you will collect her (therefore controlling the time spent there - you don't have to leave your car!) Grandparents are important in a child's life. 

Lay down the law in a clear and calm way (even tho you may be screaming inside!) 

This is a very difficult time of the year - but try and let the drama flow over you.


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

I would be very specific and not give him the ability to decide anything. I wouldn't have him present for the opening of gifts; sorry he's going to have to deal with an empty Christmas morning because this was his choice. It is going to be an adjustment for everyone, but 'playing house' isn't going to help things. In fact, it'll probably make things worse...


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

Let them have Christmas eve or Christmas afternoon this year. Your daughter should be in her own house for Christmas morning.


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## ItWillHappen (Dec 2, 2013)

If it was up to me, he would not be involved at all for Christmas.
He can spend the day talking to his little girlfriend instead. 

However, how do I prevent him from just showing up/letting himself into the house? The divorce proceedings have not started yet (getting money for the retainer). 

My issue is I just want to be cold as I am extremely angry, but at the same time I need to play nice to get a better chance at getting what I want in mediation. This is so stressful!


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I'm in the same situation as you, although my H wants to leave but we're still living in the same house until it sells and then we'll go out separate ways. I am going to relatives house on xmas eve with our 7-month daughter and staying the night. I will, however, be home on xmas day and the 3 of us will spend that day in the home together. It is our daughter's first xmas so it's special to the both of us. I wouldn't want my H to want to take my daughter away from me over xmas so I can respect that I shouldn't do the same to him.

That's just me and this is all brand new to me so I don't know if it's the right decision.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

HB, her husband removed himself from his child for Christmas by abandoning his family. IWH, do what will cause the least upset to you. Your husband made his bed, so he can lie in it someplace else. Sorry you are going through this....... Take care of yourself and your daughter.


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

In tough situations I always ask myself "What is in my daughter's best interest?" What I prefer and what is best for her may not always align. 

I bet he will want to spend most of Christmas with his new GF anyhow.

I would grant access if he shows up, just in case it comes up in court proceedings- they don't like hearing parents denying access. I would however set a limit on the visit. Present opening only. You can do your gift to her xmas eve and santa presents on the day, that way you still have special time.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

I am in a very similar situation, separated 1.5 months ago, he moved out a week ago. The big difference is that we are not really speaking (I found out about the OW a week ago....).
He watches our daughter while I am at work, so I do see him every morning and afternoon. But I only speak to him about logistics around caring for our daughter, nothing else, I have not even made eye contact with him since I found out about the OW last Saturday.
The plan was that he would have her on Xmas eve, to take her to his family's celebration, we would open gifts together on Xmas morning and then he would leave and I would take her to my family's celebration. This was before I knew about her, before we ended up not speaking to each other.
I think that I am going to un-invite for Xmas morning. Our daughter is only a year old, so I do not think that she even really understands Xmas yet and definitely will not remember this year, so I think that it is best if he not come. What I do think will impact her is if the 3 of us are together for any length of time, she will feel the tension and notice that something is not right. I would rather just have him stay away and see her on Xmas Eve as planned.
Honestly, this is probably what our long term plan will be anyway, may as well start now. This was his choice to leave and he needs to see the reality of what that means.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Conrad said:


> It's worth noting that she wasn't unfaithful and it was your decision to move out.
> 
> I do believe it makes a difference here.


I disagree. 

No matter the circumstances, unless there's addiction or abuse, the adults should do what it takes to put their crap aside for the sake of their kids. Even if that means facing the spouse that cheated on Christmas morning. Does it suck? Absolutely! Will it take a strong person to hold it together? Yes! But this isn't about you; it's about the kids. If the kids didn't exist, that cheating spouse wouldn't be coming over for Christmas anyway.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

ebp123 said:


> I disagree.
> 
> No matter the circumstances, unless there's addiction or abuse, the adults should do what it takes to put their crap aside for the sake of their kids. Even if that means facing the spouse that cheated on Christmas morning. Does it suck? Absolutely! Will it take a strong person to hold it together? Yes! But this isn't about you; it's about the kids. If the kids didn't exist, that cheating spouse wouldn't be coming over for Christmas anyway.


I disagree.
Infidelity is not merely a betrayal of a spouse, but a betrayal of an entire family. The WS can lie and deceive children as well as spouses. In a perfect world the kids don't discover the betrayal, but we don't live in a perfect world. It matters. Children need to be safe and cared for and sometimes that means the WS is no longer welcome in the BS home, even on Christmas.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Pluto2 said:


> I disagree.
> Infidelity is not merely a betrayal of a spouse, but a betrayal of an entire family. The WS can lie and deceive children as well as spouses. In a perfect world the kids don't discover the betrayal, but we don't live in a perfect world. It matters. Children need to be safe and cared for and sometimes that means the WS is no longer welcome in the BS home, even on Christmas.


I see your side of it. My aunt cheated on my uncle. She was lonely and made a huge mistake. She wrote letters to all of us, even her nieces and nephews, apologizing to us. This was many years after the divorce. The two sides don't see each other at all now, to the point that my aunt (by marriage) hasn't come to any wedding or funeral in our family. 

While I am very opposed to anyone being unfaithful, there is a lesson to each children in forgiveness. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting or condoning, though. Trust those who are trustworthy. But if the kids don't know, then how are they safer by not having both parents together for a birthday party or even Christmas? Maybe initially it is too awkward and in the long run few actually spend time on holidays with ex spouses, but still, the message is sent when the other person is banned and the kids don't know why. 

I will say that I have not been cheated on, so I can't truly know how you feel. I am just trying to be in the children's shoes here. No disrespect, I promise.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

ebp123 said:


> I see your side of it. My aunt cheated on my uncle. She was lonely and made a huge mistake. She wrote letters to all of us, even her nieces and nephews, apologizing to us. This was many years after the divorce. The two sides don't see each other at all now, to the point that my aunt (by marriage) hasn't come to any wedding or funeral in our family.
> 
> While I am very opposed to anyone being unfaithful, there is a lesson to each children in forgiveness. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting or condoning, though. Trust those who are trustworthy. But if the kids don't know, then how are they safer by not having both parents together for a birthday party or even Christmas? Maybe initially it is too awkward and in the long run few actually spend time on holidays with ex spouses, but still, the message is sent when the other person is banned and the kids don't know why.
> 
> I will say that I have not been cheated on, so I can't truly know how you feel. I am just trying to be in the children's shoes here. *No disrespect, I promise.*


None taken. Just a different perspective.


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

This is so tough. I think you should do whatever you feel comfortable with. I'm in a similar situation, my H has just moved out and we have discussed the Xmas. He will be with us for Xmas; opening gifts, dinner etc. I'm tempted to say no to that idea so I agree to a certain extend with some of the comments about not allowing WS to spend the day with the family after he's made a choice of moving out just before Xmas. That's selfish surely. I'm in dilemma as well. Whatever you decide, good luck and try to enjoy Xmas.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

heartbroken0426 said:


> I'm in the same situation as you, although my H wants to leave but we're still living in the same house until it sells and then we'll go out separate ways. I am going to relatives house on xmas eve with our 7-month daughter and staying the night. I will, however, be home on xmas day and the 3 of us will spend that day in the home together. It is our daughter's first xmas so it's special to the both of us. I wouldn't want my H to want to take my daughter away from me over xmas so I can respect that I shouldn't do the same to him.
> 
> That's just me and this is all brand new to me so I don't know if it's the right decision.


For your sake, I sincerely hope that you and your H can both remain this civil. It will hurt more than you know at first. Time does heal some pain, or at least lets us build a scab over the scar.


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