# still emotional about cheating wife.



## presco (Jul 2, 2012)

After nearly 20 yrs into my relationshiip with my wife,(14yrs. married) my world came unraveled 23mos. ago. While trying to find out what was wrong with my wife's health, her dark world was uncovered by me while she was in the hospital. She eventually was diagnosed an alchoholic whom had mixed it with antidepressants, all without anyone knowing. She had bottles hidden all over the house and did an incredible job keeping this life hidden from all. First, at her request to help her find a phone#, I found pictures, then messages. 5000 of them to one guy across the country over that year alone. This led to the uncovering of 3 different affairs over 8yrs in which very graphic, detailed descriptions of the encounters she had. It cost her, her job, which was 16yrs. in a union position, and OUR insurance. Two affairs were with suprvrs. Once confronted, she denied it. She was given the opportunity to spill it all out and denied each affair until I told her what I knew. Once she was hospitalized for treatment and I saw she was recovering, I started looking for healing myself. Her answer is " I just don't know what happened". I need to know in order to trust her completely. It's very painful knowing ALL that I now know about her affairs. You must understand that prior to this happening, she never indicated in any way that she was unhappy, that she drank, that she was dissatisfied with our sex life, or any clue as to this behavior. I'm 54 she's 44. We are still married but I am struggling. She's been sober 23.months. worried it could happen again and that I may not know ALL of her past affairs.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

How horrible for you! Eight years is over half your married life.

I don't want to seem harsh, but are you sure that you want to remain married to her? Do you even know who she is?


----------



## presco (Jul 2, 2012)

Psycologist said several layers will have to be peeled back to know "who" she is. First four years fine, then a few months affair. Next four years fine then a two year affair. Few months later...the bomb affair. All were married men with children. All unprotected encounters. She was a quiet, book-reading, sweet woman for a long time, then this sinister being revealed itself. Just thought if I knew "what happened" in her own words, I could make the best decision. Still waiting for it.


----------



## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Wow!!! Didn't you have any inkling at all that something was up or that she was drinking? 

Sounds like you two didn't spend a lot of time together........


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What the f!ck did happened to those MOM. I hope you made their lives pure hell.


----------



## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

I'm sorry, but you've touched on a topic that is very personal to me... which is alcoholism.

Please don't take this the wrong way... but how in the hell was
she able to hide it from you for 20 years? 

You detected nothing prior to this?

No slurred words? No smelly breathe or clothing?
Change in attitude? Mood swings?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Closet alcoholics are the best actors in the world, and in your wife's case she is a master at compartmentalization. She was able to screw three men over an extended period of years, and yet be there to greet you with a smile every day when you came home. 

And these are the three men you know of. If she is a serial cheater, which I think she is, then there were many more. 

I personally don't think you know a tenth of the truth here. 

What is your marriage like now? Other than her alcohol and psychiatric treatment, are the two of you continuing on as if nothing happened? Are you still intimate or sleeping in separate beds? What are you doing for yourself to heal and cope with the news that all these years of your life were a lie? 

Paint us a portrait of your life with her right now. It will help us give you the best advice we can.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mario Kempes said:


> Wow!!! Didn't you have any inkling at all that something was up or that she was drinking?
> 
> Sounds like you two didn't spend a lot of time together........


There was a famous actress in the UK. When she died the autopsy blamed alcoholism.

Her husband was furious! How dare they say she was an alcoholic? She never even drank!

Some months after her death, he decided that it was time to clear up the house. It was then he found all the hidden bottles of spirits stashed in various parts of the house.* And the poor man had not one clue that she was an alcoholic! *


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I was a pothead as a teenager. I had stashes all over the house. For five years my dad never found them. Hell, I bet if I went back to that old house I could still find a couple of dried out quarter bags exactly where I hid them!


----------



## presco (Jul 2, 2012)

Only drank the last 4yrs. rarely socially, rarely at home. went thru 6 anti-anxiety med adjustments during last 8yrs. Sleeping a lot and staying up before and after wk to be online. I just thought she was dealing with depression. then the booze came.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

presco said:


> Only drank the last 4yrs.
> 
> That you know of.
> 
> ...


----------



## presco (Jul 2, 2012)

I've been to al-anon several times..AA meetings w/her....it was okay and I took something from it. Talked with my pastor...a few close fam n friends. I do love her and want her to get well. There are some really good qualities in this woman. The last 23mons have been encouraging. She was just "really" good at finding time for her "other" life. Thought about finding a bookwriter to listen.It's a story almost beyond belief.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Write the outline of the book here. 

We are a patient and inquisitive people, we TAM folk.


----------



## presco (Jul 2, 2012)

Father committed suicide one year B4 first affair and anti-depressant scripts. That was her reasoning for depression. I went for it.


----------



## presco (Jul 2, 2012)

Psycologist said compartmentalization is how she dealt with. She says it wasn't real to her. Life with me was real.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

presco said:


> Psycologist said compartmentalization is how she dealt with. She says it wasn't real to her. Life with me was real.


As it is with all cheaters. There is really nothing special about your wife when it comes to her cheating behavior. Her alcoholism just made it easier. 

Have you gotten in to any kind of independent counseling? Have you seen a psychiatrist for medications for any depression you may have. Quit worrying so much about your wife, because really you are not able to help her conquer these issues she has. They are too big for you. Se to your own needs and let your wife work on hers. 

What is the status of your marriage? Are you thinking of divorcing her or are you putting plans on hold to see what she does? Is she showing true remorse, is she trying every day to show you her love for you, or is she going about each day as if it were business as usual?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

I think even after 23 months if he came here for help means he coldnt get over it still now.

Dont waste your time if you dont want to continue in R.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

presco you can love your wife with all your heart but if there is no trust and no respect, the marriage dies. Your marriage has been dead for 10 years and you only have become aware of it in the last 2 years.

You cannot force your wife to address and resolve the issues that turned her into a broken woman but you certainly can offer her a helping hand even if you choose to divorce like one male forum member here, Badblood, did with his cheating wife while he was waiting for his divorce to be finalized.

A lot of soul searching is required by you to determine whether or not you can live with a woman with whom you will be more warden than husband.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

presco said:


> Psycologist said compartmentalization is how she dealt with. She says it wasn't real to her. Life with me was real.


Cheaters if they have a shred of conscious, and some don't, use compartmentalization, disassociation, displacement and other defense mechanisms. 

If counseling can't correct these issues, they cheater will likely reoffend.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Shocking.

Sorry presco, you are in TAM.

How does she interact with you after your discovery? Is there a change before and after your discovery?

You have so many things to take care.

Sorry you are here, presco.


----------



## presco (Jul 2, 2012)

Rarley OPENLY at home. In hiding, a BUNCH at home.


----------



## presco (Jul 2, 2012)

Have had some counsel...prolly needmore. She HAS shown much remorse and is showing more love for me. I thought from the beginning I would give it 2 years and make decision whether to continue this marriage. That is approaching and I'm the one struggling with it now. She is still active in AA. She started goin to church with me as soon as she got out of re-hab. She HAS stayed within the boundries set up when she got out. I believe there's just some other answers I'm looking for and may never find about as to whom she has become. Maybe I'm not supposed to know and like you said, work on repairing myself.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hang in there brother, it looks like your wife is getting the help. I totaly understand and it sucks to have to deal with what our wives are capable of.

My wife met her 1 year mark and continued to improve. Its been 2-1/2 years now and she has not relapsed. but the fact remain that both your wife and mine could go back to thise old ways. But if they do we can walk away know they had there chance and screwed it up and walk away knowing we tried.

I hope the both of use will never see that day and from here on out those dark days are over, lessons were learned and we can grow old with out best friends.

Sorry to say but your story is very close to mine. In my case it was longer and with more men.

You are not alone!

Good luck....we both will need it.


----------



## presco (Jul 2, 2012)

Thanks ALL! Your support has helped and I will continue to learn from others with similar problems.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

presco said:


> *She started goin to church with me *as soon as she got out of re-hab. She HAS stayed within the boundries set up when she got out. I believe there's just some other answers I'm looking for and may never find about as to whom she has become. Maybe I'm not supposed to know and like you said, work on repairing myself.


Previously, did you attend church and she did not?

Was she a teetotaler, so far as you knew, before 4 years ago?


----------



## presco (Jul 2, 2012)

To cantthinkstraight: She started closet drinking 4yrs before the fall. She worked 10pm-3am 5 or 6 days a week. I thought I smelled it a couple of times on her breath when I left for work in am. but said "nah".She also had breath drops stashed everywhere she had her booze stashed. No slurred speech. She fell a couple of times toward the end. That's when flags started flying. When she finally lost it, I first took her to our family doctor which he changed her meds. She got worse and he had her do a brain scan for a tumor and also tested her for poisoning (lead or other toxins). All that was negative. THE day when It all came down, I took her back to the dr. as she was hallucinating wildly. He recommended checking her into a center for chemical abuse. While in there for three days I found out about her "other" life. After checking her out I confronted her about phone/internet messages and only then did she confess to drinking heavily, daily. She denied the messages as mistakes or just being silly with her super until I told what I had found out. I checked her into chemical dependency hospital where she dt'd 7 days and rehabed 23. While she was in I filed for divorce on advice from my att.( He said if she did I would most likely have to leave the house). Someone who works for a friend of mine heard I filed and called me to tell me about the affair 8yrs prior with another suprvr. I was oblivious to her drinking as she had soo many prescription med issues. I thought all of her problems were from that. I know...what an idiot, but I never dreamed all this was going on.


----------



## presco (Jul 2, 2012)

Yes I went/ she didn't. Not a teetotaler but might drink a margaurita occasionally.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

presco said:


> Yes I went/ she didn't. Not a teetotaler but might drink a margaurita occasionally.


I'm a recovering alcoholic, Twenty-two years sober, and I can tell you this is not possible. She has been an alcoholic for a long, long time my friend....possibly since her teen years. As with you, she was good at hiding it from her parents and family.

Your wife is a minimizer. The reason you have not been able to heal and move forwards is becuase she has not told you everything or come clean on all of her affairs. Your gut and soul are telling you this and that is why you continue to have anxiety. 

Also, you were so focused on her that you have ignored your own healing. Time to take the focus off her and see to yourself.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

presco said:


> To cantthinkstraight: She started closet drinking 4yrs before the fall. She worked 10pm-3am 5 or 6 days a week. I thought I smelled it a couple of times on her breath when I left for work in am. but said "nah".She also had breath drops stashed everywhere she had her booze stashed. No slurred speech. She fell a couple of times toward the end. That's when flags started flying. When she finally lost it, I first took her to our family doctor which he changed her meds. She got worse and he had her do a brain scan for a tumor and also tested her for poisoning (lead or other toxins). All that was negative. THE day when It all came down, I took her back to the dr. as she was hallucinating wildly. He recommended checking her into a center for chemical abuse. While in there for three days I found out about her "other" life. After checking her out I confronted her about phone/internet messages and only then did she confess to drinking heavily, daily. She denied the messages as mistakes or just being silly with her super until I told what I had found out. I checked her into chemical dependency hospital where she dt'd 7 days and rehabed 23. While she was in I filed for divorce on advice from my att.( He said if she did I would most likely have to leave the house). Someone who works for a friend of mine heard I filed and called me to tell me about the affair 8yrs prior with another suprvr. I was oblivious to her drinking as she had soo many prescription med issues. I thought all of her problems were from that. I know...what an idiot, but I never dreamed all this was going on.



Still have a feeling that you did not find all of them. She seems to have some deep mental issues and she was in a spiral of destruction


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It is one thing for a spouse to stay married and take care of his/her sick or disabled spouse who did not break his/her marital vows, and quite another to do so for a selfish spouse who showed a complete lack of love and respect to his/her faithful spouse.

Divorcing her does not mean that you will be abandoning her, as you've proven by getting her the medical attention she desperately needed. It simply means that you cannot stake your future on a woman who is incapable of being honest, respectful, and trustworthy.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Mori is right. You can stand up for your own well-being_ and _divorce her, and still be her friend and a confidant when she needs one. 

But I don't ever see her being a 100% wife to you, now or ever. She is the epitome of damaged goods my friend. There are so many clean, moral women out there... why tie yourself to this broken person who can never be fully trusted? 

Remember, her drinking and her cheating are two totally separate entities. The alcohol most likely lowered her inhibitions allowing her to compartmentalize her affairs easier, but the drive to have those affairs is soley a product of her low morals and non-existent boundaries.

She had those 3 affairs, and probably more, because she wanted to.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

morituri said:


> It is one thing for a spouse to stay married and take care of his/her sick or disabled spouse who did not break his/her marital vows, and quite another to do so for a selfish spouse who showed a complete lack of love and respect to his/her faithful spouse.
> 
> Divorcing her does not mean that you will be abandoning her, as you've proven by getting her the medical attention she desperately needed. It simply means that you cannot stake your future on a woman who is incapable of being honest, respectful, and trustworthy.


Mori, I just want to say that your posts cut to the core of fundamental issues so clearly and beautifully. Many posts, like the one above, have been helpful to me gaining clarity in my own situation.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

13 years sober/clean myself.
Please read bandit/morituri posts once and again.
For both things cheating + sustance abuse she has to come clean.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Thank you Thor for the kind words.

Every day I become more convinced that if we treated our committed relationships and marriages, as we do our investment portfolios - reduce or cut our losses - that in the long run we'd be happier and healthier for it.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Thor said:


> Mori, I just want to say that your posts cut to the core of fundamental issues so clearly and beautifully. Many posts, like the one above, have been helpful to me gaining clarity in my own situation.


That's why he's a hero here on TAM.

I like to think of Mori as Master Po, and we are all his grasshoppers.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Confucius say: He who fish in other man's well often catches crabs.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

presco, you haven't mentioned any thing about children, are there any? 

Has the psychologist mentioned anything about personality disorders?

Has she never drank that much in the past?

What do the doctors say about the effects of drinking and the meds she was prescribed? Could that make a person act out of character?

Did I misinterpret your post timewise? The first affair started 8 yrs ago and the drinking started 4 yrs ago?

Has she been married before?


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

bandit.45


> Remember, her drinking and her cheating are two totally separate entities. The alcohol most likely lowered her inhibitions allowing her to compartmentalize her affairs easier, but the drive to have those affairs is soley a product of her low morals and non-existent boundaries


I'm not sure about thits. If she digs deep, the driving forces might be the same. People run from themselves all the time and try to fill the void whitin with affiars, alcohol, drugs, gambling, over spending, self harming only to self medicate in low places always "outhere".
I am not an alcoholic and drug addict because the sustances made it, but because I didn't know how to cope with my internal strugles in a healthy way and I turned to them.


----------



## presco (Jul 2, 2012)

Bandit: Your support is welcome..that's why I'm here. Inre: Not possible. I DO understand that alchoholics are genetically predisposed from birth in alot of cases. Maybe "teetotaler" isn't possible by definition. She drank very rarely until near thirty. Isn't it possible that alchoholic tendencies may not manifest themselves until 30yrs. of age? 40? 20? Thanks


----------



## presco (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm sorry I still don't know how to directly respond to individual comments. Chapparal: Co-habitated 01. married 08.Father suicide 90orearly 91. my daughter moves in 02. 1st affair(that i know of) 02. Heavy drinking 06. next affair 07. then on-line affair 09-10. I have a daughter who is 23 that came to live with us at age 13 when her mother died of leukemia suddenly. She is thru college and has a great job with a major airline now. Psch and dr. said mixture of drink and med DEFINATLY were detrimental to her health and behavior. She definatly had disorders but we/she did not go long enough for a definition other than clinical depression.. She went to pshycologist for 6/7 times before this all unraveled. She signed hippa for all drs. to tell me anything about sessions. I went twice with her before. Then she was hospitalized. She said nothing to the pshy. about alchohol. Once admitted I went to him twice and he was floored. He helped me while she was in rehab. We/she have not been back. She went to aa 90 straight days and continues 1/2x's weekly. 1st affair turns out her inability to deal with 13yr old getting the focus of my attention and needs. She didn't feel like I listned to her and I prolly should have more. My grieving daughter became my 1st priority at this devastating time in her life and she turned to a suprv who said " I'll listen" (ya right.) It's funny that while my 1st wife was alive, my wife and daughter got along fine during conjugal visits, family reunions, holiday, etc. Once she moved in it was different. She has no children. After talking to her mother during her rehad I found some past issues regarding authority figures as a young women that have helped paint a clearer picture of who she is. Theguy she ended up meeting in the 09 affair was from her hometown, he was 18 she 15 when he had a sexual encounter with her once. Once reunited on Myspace she was manipulated easily by him and within days sending pix back and forth along with filthy "what I can do for you" talk. She went tovisit family a year and a half later and met him to consumate all they had talked about...Some have asked why I stay and I am still trying to figure that out. First I love her. We have a lot invested phsyically,emotionally, etc. I feel like she needs me. I feel like she's remorseful, and recovering. I hate to think of her well-being without me. Her skills outside of fairly simple jobs is limited and am afraid she may follow her father's way if I leave her.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

presco said:


> Her skills outside of fairly simple jobs is limited and am afraid she may follow her father's way if I leave her.


So are you allowing your fear that she'll commit suicide to blackmail you into staying married?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

*



I feel like she needs me. I feel like she's remorseful, and recovering. I hate to think of her well-being without me. Her skills outside of fairly simple jobs is limited and am afraid she may follow her father's way if I leave her.

Click to expand...

*
You are codependent my friend. You think it is your job to save her from herself.

That is so wrong on so many levels that you need to get to your own counselor to help you conquer this tendency. Right now this woman has everyone enabling her and feeling sorry for her. Don't buy into it, and if you already have, then sell it off.

I recommend you give yourself a deadline. Get into intensive counseling with a counselor who specializes in adultery, PTSD and codependency, and attend religiously. If by your deadline you feel no changes or true remorse from her....bag it.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Some have asked why I stay and I am still trying to figure that out. First I love her. We have a lot invested phsyically,emotionally, etc


You can remain loving her, remain friends with her and be there for her as a friend to lean on if she needs you.... and still not be married to her.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you want some time to allow your emotions to settle before you make a life altering decision, that's fine but keep in mind that for the moment, you are married on paper only. Her actions, the serial cheating, have destroyed the marriage and unless she steps up to the plate to do the heavy lifting of R, then it will be a matter of time before she goes back to her old ways of coping with things, affairs. Are you willing to accept living in a one sided open marriage because you love her?


----------



## presco (Jul 2, 2012)

No blackmail. I think she's past her low-point. Just givin some of the reasons I'm still with her. I believe and agree that with counsel, I can get through the whole ordeal. I left out the fact that at 54 I really don't like the idea of starting over again unless this is just totaly unsalvageable. She wouldn't blame me if I left. She is aware of my pain.


----------



## presco (Jul 2, 2012)

Thanks all for your input. It is well recieved and I plan on acting on it. I need to clarify one statement. I'm not afraid of my wife being able to be ok without me. If I leave I will wish her the best and go on. I just know how troubled she is and would worry about her well-being. I do understand that at this point, I need to have my well-being on top of my priority list.


----------



## presco (Jul 2, 2012)

This forum has been and is a tremendous find for me. I appreciate the responses. I think I've done my duty as a husband and friend, and will continue to pray/hope my wife will continue progressing like I've been seeing, and start worryin about myself more, with diligence. I've so tried to please and take care of this woman, that I have avoided takin care of me to a degree that I didn't realize.I realize that I'm weaker than I wanted to believe. I'm goin to keep my marriage intact at this point and through prayer, therapy sessions, and gut, I'm gonna give this marriage another try. Any bobble on her part and I can say " I did my Best". That's my plan. I'm very thankful for the input from all!


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Get into counseling for yourself Presco and start taking care of yourself. Time for your WW to stand on her own.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

presco said:


> This forum has been and is a tremendous find for me. I appreciate the responses. I think I've done my duty as a husband and friend, and will continue to pray/hope my wife will continue progressing like I've been seeing, and start worryin about myself more, with diligence. I've so tried to please and take care of this woman, that I have avoided takin care of me to a degree that I didn't realize.I realize that I'm weaker than I wanted to believe. I'm goin to keep my marriage intact at this point and through prayer, therapy sessions, and gut, I'm gonna give this marriage another try. Any bobble on her part and I can say " I did my Best". That's my plan. I'm very thankful for the input from all!


I think that is a sound plan Presco.

Now telll your wife what your plan is exactly. That way she can hop on the marriage bus and be a part of your improvement plan.

She would want to do this partly for the crap she has put you through and partly because she loves you.

Her actions will speak clearer than anything she has told you the past 8-10 years.

I willl say a prayer that you keep your inner strength that you have shown through this trial and that your WW stays on the straight and narrow.

Keep in touch.

HM64


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Tell her to get advice in how to help you. Tell her she needs to be proactive.


----------

