# Question about dating again



## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I have been separated from my STBXW for a couple months now and just filed for divorce last week. I don't even think she has received the certified mail yet. Actually just found out she received it today. We are definitely through, you can read my original thread here...http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/67022-ld-wife-has-turned-me-off.html

I have already created an online profile on a couple of dating sites and was honest about selecting 'currently separated'.

I have already been on one date that was a bit of a shock to me as I didn't realize how overweight she actually was. My, how pics and the angle they take them can be deceiving. 
I now have another gal that is extremely interested in me, but I am having a bit of trouble getting past her looks...I know, I may sound a bit shallow, but I think physical attraction is key to truly loving and enjoying your partner. Her body is rockin', but there are a few issues with her face that I can't get past.

Anyhow, the first overweight gal I went out with and I have become friends via text message. She has helped me through a couple of tough spots with my STBXW and I value her opinion to a point, seeing as how she is female and can give me that perspective that I sometimes don't understand.

She asked me how the dating has been going and I haven't been on any since I went out with her.
I told her about this one that is definitely interested in me and told her about my dilemma.
She told me I should definitely date around before I become serious with anyone and thinks even though I am not fully attracted this other gal that I should hit it and quit it. She said I need to get a few of those under my belt before I do settle down with another LTR.
I told her I have a bit of a problem with that because of my own self-esteem issues, I don't like rejection and feel it would be wrong of me to do what she suggests.
She said that I shouldn't worry about that because many people meet and have a one time thing and part ways due to non-compatibility.
She really thinks I should just go for it to get a release and enjoy what this woman is offering and then break it to her later that I want to continue to date around.

Am I being too sensitive to this woman's feelings? What should I do? I could get past her looks for this, but wanted to bounce it off of others to see what the general consensus is.

Thanks


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Lol. "I hate getting rejected because of my self esteem issues" and "she's not good looking enough for me, should I have a ONS and be done with it" all in the same post.

Really?


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Yeah, really...

I have been very codependent with my STBXW and have always put myself at the bottom of the barrel, and have been working on understanding that I am just as important as anyone else.
I am learning to just not accept what comes along...but my 'friend' is suggesting I do this against what naturally feels wrong to me.
Being that I am very empathetic towards other's feelings, I don't know if I am being too concerned with their feelings or is this a legitimate thing someone without my codependent issues would possibly consider doing?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Why are you taking advice from just any old person like that?
If you don't know what works for you, go find yourself. It's like trying to hit a moving target, finding someone that will be 'right' when you have to ask a 'wrong' to help you out. If you need to ask for advice about someone or what to do, it's a sign you are in over your head. Back up and learn social skills instead. Start small, holding doors for people, making eye contact, making friends of same sex, crossing age boundaries, spend time where intimate relationship is not the goal.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Why are you taking advice from just any old person like that?
> If you don't know what works for you, go find yourself. It's like trying to hit a moving target, finding someone that will be 'right' when you have to ask a 'wrong' to help you out. If you need to ask for advice about someone or what to do, it's a sign you are in over your head. Back up and learn social skills instead. Start small, holding doors for people, making eye contact, making friends of same sex, crossing age boundaries, spend time where intimate relationship is not the goal.


Thank you...that is what I was looking for...something with some substance instead of the first reply.

That's why I asked on here...I figure I would be speaking with a crowd that has some experience in this area. I have been in a monogamous relationship for over 18 years and I am just lost with what I should be doing.
I know my heart tells me not to do it, but I didn't know if I was just too messed up to know what is the right thing to do here. I would feel bad for treating someone like that...using them for my own gratification...it seems foreign to me.
I feel I do have social skills, as I do the things you suggest except for the intimate relationship part.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

IndyTMI said:


> She really thinks I should just go for it to get a release and enjoy what this woman is offering and then break it to her later that I want to continue to date around.





IndyTMI said:


> Thank you...that is what I was looking for...something with some substance instead of the first reply.


How about, instead of sleeping with someone THEN telling them what you planned. You be open with your 'possible' intentions upfront, instead of playing dirt bag tactics with another person just to get your jollies.

That more full of substance for you?

There are plenty of people out there looking for ONS, who are open to it from the start. I suppose the only thing you require then, is a pretty face to meet your standards.

This way, your ego doesn't take a hit, which is what you're worried about. Rejection.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Maybe you should just wait and figure yourself out first. Hang out with friends & socialize in no pressure situations. I know in my case I have enough issues making plans to go out with people ive known since I was 12 - that's how I know I'm in no way ready to even think of dating.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

06Daddio08 said:


> How about, instead of sleeping with someone THEN telling them what you planned. You be open with your 'possible' intentions upfront, instead of playing dirt bag tactics with another person just to get your jollies.
> 
> That more full of substance for you?
> 
> ...


Way better response...thanks.
It's not just a pretty face, but as I said, physical attraction is a big part of enjoying who I am spending time with. I think this goes along with evolution and all of that natural selection stuff..

I like the up front and honest approach, which is why I was questioning my 'friend's' suggestion...it just didn't sound balanced to me.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

IndyTMI said:


> Way better response...thanks.
> It's not just a pretty face, but as I said, physical attraction is a big part of enjoying who I am spending time with. I think this goes along with evolution and all of that natural selection stuff..
> 
> I like the up front and honest approach, which is why I was questioning my 'friend's' suggestion...it just didn't sound balanced to me.


Ask yourself if you'd like it done to you. I doubt it. Probably make you feel like crap (here's to hoping). This is not to say that it may not eventually happen to you, because you never know and you have no control over the motives of another.


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## HollowKat (Mar 23, 2013)

Just be true to yourself and to the other person. You have plenty of time to find out who you are and what you want in life to be happy. If not, continue to find what makes you unique. Being married for that period of time is not going to be easy to get over but the little things you do to get over it and move on will make significant changes in your attitude towards life. If you want a pretty girl, have a pretty girl. But at the same time realize what didn't work in the past and learn from them instead of make the same mistakes. You never know if someone might really be interested in you and you break their heart. At least be upfront and honest from the start and they should do the same to you. Nothing wrong with dating other women, but just don't "use" them as a tool to get what you want. Connect and share experiences with them and be happy in life. If it works out, it works out. However, if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out and move on.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

IndyTMI said:


> Thank you...that is what I was looking for...something with some substance instead of the first reply.
> 
> That's why I asked on here...I figure I would be speaking with a crowd that has some experience in this area. I have been in a monogamous relationship for over 18 years and I am just lost with what I should be doing.
> I know my heart tells me not to do it, but I didn't know if I was just too messed up to know what is the right thing to do here. I would feel bad for treating someone like that...using them for my own gratification...it seems foreign to me.
> I feel I do have social skills, as I do the things you suggest except for the intimate relationship part.


Give yourself time to adjust to your new environment and situation. The bottom line is that relationships take time. Including the ongoing one you have with yourself.

And understand that there are a lot of people out there who just don't have a clue, either. Someone who seems happy with their life could be just going through a phase, or worse, manic or bipolar or heading down a wrong, unsustainable path. Or unduly influenced by some media they consumed. Or giving gold-standard advice for a realistic non-gold-standard situation. 

Asking for advice is something you can do from a trusted friend who really knows you, and understands your weak spots, and truly will look out for your best interests and sense just from being with you when something is not right with someone you're involved with or thinking about being involved with. 

I think a good relationship is one where you don't feel that you're taking unnecessary risks and don't feel in over your head. All of that falls into the category of unsustainable. I do think it's good to stretch your limits a little bit, but no more than you would for any other aspect of your life. It's all about balance. Making minor adjustments that have big impact in terms of satisfaction level might be all that's necessary, not big changes that cause upheaval and leave you wondering where you just were and spin you around so you lose all sense of direction. At the end of the day, it's about feeling good about yourself. Not wondering what you need to do tomorrow and the day after to backtrack whatever mess you might have created for yourself today.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Thanks all for the input. I contacted her and told her I was in a vulnerable place at the moment and wasn't ready to make any type of serious connection, but would certainly entertain drinks and conversation...we have much in common. She was cool with that and we are actually meeting tomorrow for dinner, drinks and conversation. I definitely feel better not being deceiving with my intent.
I went out tonight to a couple of different night clubs, but nothing was going on for a Monday eve and they were dead and boring. I suppose the hopping places are downtown or just north of town where the college scene is.
I also joined a local singles meetup group that organizes events and get togethers for singles, which is not meant to be a dating service, but more so of just things for singles to do instead of being lonely and bored at home. Funny thing is that I found one of the organizers is someone I have had conversations with on one of the dating sites.
I appreciate the feedback...you reaffirmed what I had felt deep down.


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## HollowKat (Mar 23, 2013)

There you go! You both connected and opened up some deep feelings and they gave it right back! And another date in the schedule?! That's a win in my books! :smthumbup: Funny thing is great things happen when you least expect it.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Well, I wanted to give an update as to what happened last evening, as it didn't turn out at all like I thought, but some serious realizations came to me and the overall experience was worth the time and will help me moving forward.

First thing was we met at a local tavern just outside of the college beat.
She was nearly 30 mins late...not a big deal, I just sat and waited while slowly drinking a locally brewed ale.
After she arrives, we get seated at a table and order burgers. She immediately seems all interested and even had me stand up so she could check me out. She asks me all sorts of questions about where I was from, about my family, my ex, our son and kept the focus off of her for a good part of the time. When I asked her questions about herself, she didn't elaborate as much as I had. I knew I wasn't attracted to her, but she certainly had interest in me.
After a few beers, she suggests we go back to her place for drinks and more conversation, as she lives along the river and wanted me to see how awesome her place was. Beyond my better judgement, I agreed.

After arriving, she shows me around, her place backs up to the river and it is quite secluded and peaceful for being in town.
She makes us ****tails and starts showing me some of her family history. She comes from a multicultural mix of black and European bloodlines...her family is beautiful.
Her grandfather was a Tuskegee Airman, while her grandmother was born in what is now Slovakia. She has all of his medals, Purple Heart and so many photos...it was amazing the history she had there, to which I told her many museums would love to display what she had, but understood that it would be difficult to part with something so close to her heart.
I was very fascinated with her family history and it opened my eyes to culture I had never been exposed to. Her mother, aunts and older relatives were all such beautiful women...they were quite adorable, no doubt. I think she knew how genuine my interest was and I thanked her for sharing that part of her life with me.
She kept asking me questions which always seemed to lead to something about my STBXW. Throughout conversation, I revealed to her some of my ongoing issues in dealing with it all...just how codependent I had become and how I am breaking free from it all through counseling and self help. 
She was appreciative of my openness and asked me if I was that open with everyone I talked to. I told her I was very open about myself and have no reason to hide my life from those that show interest. She was amazed just how open and honest I was and commented that she had never met anyone like me before, that I was quite unique. After more conversation, she finally showed her side of being upset saying that I can't go more than a few moments without bringing up my ex. I apologized and told her that it just seems everything she was asking me had some sort of tie to my ex and I would try to refrain from bringing her up.
As we continued, I asked her for a hug, as I had told her about my lack of feeling wanted growing up and that I found that hugs were very soothing to me...they just feel awesome. She gave me a good, long hug and it did make me feel good, in fact, it made me tear up a bit. I could see the compassion in her expression, as she felt what I was feeling. She then said it was getting late and wanted to change the tone and stop talking about serious stuff, as it seems every topic we discussed, I was very passionate elaborating on my opinions, whether we were talking politics, religion or history. But, I couldn't wind down, she came up to me and gave me another hug and wanted to kind of slow dance with me. I was ok with it until she started rubbing me and giving me signs that she was wanting to move towards something where I was uncomfortable with. 
I pull back and tell her I should probably go. She gets a little more upset and makes it sound like I was wasting her time, but I came back with what we had originally agreed upon that we were just hanging out as new friends, getting to know one another a bit. She then offered up to make me a strong herbal tea before I left, as I had tossed down a few and should probably drink it before I go. I accepted and we talked a bit more before I did finally leave. She was overall very intrigued with me and wanted to see me again. I thanked her for the new friendship and apologized for the night not turning out as she may have hoped. I also apologized for dumping my problems out on the table to her. 
I asked her...because the evening seemed to be focused mainly around myself, did I appear to be narcissistic at all, as I have a brother that I recognize quite plainly how narcissistic he is. She said it did seem to her that I do show some signs of it, but part of that was because she kept asking me about things and never would elaborate much about her own self, other than her other family members.
I also told her that because of my codependent issues, that I have been warned that I would be attracted to and naturally draw in women that were similar to my ex and asked her what she thought about that. I didn't really get a direct response. 

Ok, take away time...

I am so thankful this wasn't a date where I had expectations for any type of relationship where intimacy could come about in the future.
I realized that if I do meet and go out on a date with anyone with that intention, not to talk about my ex nor talk about all of my codependent issues or vulnerabilities. 
It was good to dump all of these things out to a new friend, but feel that would certainly taint any type of intimate connection we might have. A gal interested in anything intimate won't want to hear all of my troubles.
Getting these things out and able to cope was a good release and know I need to direct and focus those issues with friends, not potential partners.
So, the experience was strange, educational and quite revealing on do's and don't for future encounters. I have certainly learned from it.


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