# Sex and the divorced dad: a concern and a question or 2...



## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

I'm a 41 year old divorced dad who has been dating a very awesome 43 year old girl. We connect across just about every level - so the relationship itself has been great - but I'm finding myself conflicted.

I've been divorced for about 3 years. My ex-wife started dating the guy who is now her fiancé about 6 months after our divorce was finalized. It has been rocky and very tough on our kids (we share custody 50/50). She is now pregnant and due in about 6 weeks - another thing that has been very, very hard on our kids. They increasingly look towards me to be the parent who is "there" for them.

To put it plainly - I am terrified of having a similar accident. My girlfriend and I have discussed this and she is completely on the same page - but over the weekend we had a potential "accident" and it has really but the zap on my brain.

We were going at it on Saturday night and it was great, but at some point - the condom slipped off. I don't know when - but for an undefined amount of time we were having unprotected sex. Thankfully, I noticed and we replaced it and finished up - but it was on my mind big time - to the point where even with a condom on I did not want to finish inside of her. Again - she was understanding and completely cool with it and I don't think it ruined the evening at all.

My problem is that I can't get it out of my mind. I'm a little freaked out because we did have unprotected sex - even briefly - and I do know the odds of anything happening are really low - our age is definitely working in our favor - as was the fact that I caught it and didn't actually ejaculate inside of her (nor had I ejaculated previously that evening). So - I'm trying to not let that part freak me out too much. She didn't seem all that concerned. When I first mentioned it - her first response was to think I was worried about potentially catching a STD (she doesn't have any - thankfully)!?

I just don't want this to become an issue moving forward as in I'm too scared to be intimate with her - or at least to go all of the way. We've talked about it - and we have a relationship where we can talk about this kind of stuff and we're on the same page and we both realize we can still have fun - but also be careful.

What to you all think? I want to protect my kids. They would be devastated if something happened - especially since they haven't even met her, yet. I also don't want to stop being intimate with her - nor do I want to hold anything back and I know I can't have it both ways. I know the only way to be 100% "safe" is to stop having sex - and I don't think either one of us wants to do that - but I can't deny that this has been on my mind since Saturday.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Very simple answer actually. Its call a vasectomy.

I am 58, divorced 7 years after a 30 year marriage. I told my self that if I were to date a woman who was capable of having children I would get a V. They are pretty painless, and done on an outpatient basis. Why would you take a chance by using a condom?


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Check out this site to see effectiveness of different birth control options
https://www.optionsforsexualhealth.org/birth-control-pregnancy/birth-control-options/effectiveness

You could always use a condom, and finish externally (take it off, etc...)


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Birth control has a failure rate. I am the proud mother of a Pill baby and a condom baby. The reality is that sex always carries some risk of pregnancy. The idea, if you don't want (more) kids, is to minimize that risk as much as possible. If you're certain you will never want to father another child, then get a vasectomy. Do not rely on condoms alone. The "perfect use" failure rate is around 2%, but the "typical use" failure rate is about 18%. Meaning, 18 unintended pregnancies per 100 users per year. If you don't want to be one of those 18, you need to double up on birth control methods (condom + Pill/IUD/ shot/Implant, etc.) or have the vasectomy.

Also, do NOT think that your ages are going to help protect you from accidental pregnancy. While it is true that women over 40 have decreased fertility, I know too many who have had surprise! pre-menopause babies. Hell, my own husband was a surprise born to his parents when they were 42 and 44.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree with @MJJEAN.

If you're mindfull of and open to discussing everything you can possibly do (both or you) to mitigate the risk, you'll have less to be concerned about.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> Very simple answer actually. Its call a vasectomy.
> 
> I am 58, divorced 7 years after a 30 year marriage. I told my self that if I were to date a woman who was capable of having children I would get a V. They are pretty painless, and done on an outpatient basis. Why would you take a chance by using a condom?


I'm leaning towards this option. It's a discussion that we'll have to have - because I want her to at least have some input in the decision. I think it would be a bad idea to simply go and get one (obviously, right!?)...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Surfer Joe said:


> I'm leaning towards this option. It's a discussion that we'll have to have - because I want her to at least have some input in the decision. I think it would be a bad idea to simply go and get one (obviously, right!?)...


That depends.

In marriage or a serious committed relationship leading to marriage, I'd say that you should consult your SO and weigh their opinion as part of your decision making process. In a garden variety relationship that isn't quite so serious, I'd say it's fine for you to make a decision and inform your partner of your choice.

I took my exH for his vasectomy. It was a 25 minute outpatient laser surgery that left a two small pencil end eraser size wounds on his testicles that healed up within a week. He reported minor aching for about 3 days. It's been 2 decades, so I'm dredging this up from the depths of memory, but I think sex resumed within 10 days. We still had to use condoms because there are live rounds in the chamber for about 20 ejaculations post surgery. It is VERY important to go back for your sperm checks and continue using birth control until you're tested a couple times and certain you're firing blanks.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Satya said:


> I agree with @MJJEAN.
> 
> If you're mindfull of and open to discussing everything you can possibly do (both or you) to mitigate the risk, you'll have less to be concerned about.


I think we definitely are mindful of and open to discussing everything we can do. I do think we maybe rushed into the sex part very quickly - the first time I did not have any protection so there was not any penetration. Second time there was - but then we had the slipping off incident and that has been a big time wake up call for me that I/we need to be even more mindful. That incident has freaked me out - and I know it could have been an even bigger incident - but maybe a blessing in disguise in the fact that we can refocus and have the discussions we need to have to be as careful as we can possibly be.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Based on what you have written, this is a very new relationship and you are well within reason to pursue a V and just give notice without discussion. You don't even know if it will last yet.

You have a couple of great kids already, you need to ask yourself, do you want more children at this point in your life? Personally at 41, I was ready to retire from babies. I love my kids more than anything, but I don't want to start again.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Birth control is the responsibility of both parties. Keep wearing a condom (or get a vasectomy) and the have your girlfriend also use birth control.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

While it is fine for you to get a vasectomy without discussing it with your girlfriend, it’s also fine to discuss it. She will almost certainly say it is of course your choice. 

But I believe she would feel complimented and happy you considered her, even though she knows she really has no input.

Have fun


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

I would not recommend a V.

If you are truly done having kids, then you are done.

But you are not married now. WHat if you meet a lady and she rocks your world, and you both want to marry, but she is in her 30's, no kids?

What to do?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Surfer Joe said:


> I'm leaning towards this option. It's a discussion that we'll have to have - because I want her to at least have some input in the decision. I think it would be a bad idea to simply go and get one (obviously, right!?)...


Does she not want children? Has she got some already? There are so many methods of birth control, a condom is one of the least reliable.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Does she not want children? Has she got some already? There are so many methods of birth control, a condom is one of the least reliable.


She does not have any children, but she has expressed an interest in being a mother - but that doesn't just mean having children of her own. She told me she had been thinking about adopting - and that adopting would still be something she'd want to think about down the road. She's also expressed that maybe being step-mom to my kids would be enough. 

I know she understands my situation. I know she understands how bad it could be for my kids (and how bad it is that their mom is having a kid with a pretty creepy dude). She works with kids who are in bad situations. She's been completely open to other forms of intimacy and so on - but I don't know - I just don't want to rely on a condom. I don't think I could ever be okay with that. 

We're just going to have to keep talking about it.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Surfer Joe said:


> She does not have any children, but she has expressed an interest in being a mother - but that doesn't just mean having children of her own. She told me she had been thinking about adopting - and that adopting would still be something she'd want to think about down the road. She's also expressed that maybe being step-mom to my kids would be enough.
> 
> I know she understands my situation. I know she understands how bad it could be for my kids (and how bad it is that their mom is having a kid with a pretty creepy dude). She works with kids who are in bad situations. She's been completely open to other forms of intimacy and so on - but I don't know - I just don't want to rely on a condom. I don't think I could ever be okay with that.
> 
> We're just going to have to keep talking about it.


For a moment, put aside how she feels about having kids, and put aside how your kids might feel about it.

How do YOU feel about having another kid?


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> For a moment, put aside how she feels about having kids, and put aside how your kids might feel about it.
> 
> How do YOU feel about having another kid?


I don't want another kid. I'm 41. I've endured the loss of my first child at birth. I was lucky enough to have two more after that. They're getting to be awesome ages (5 and 8) and I don't have it in me to raise another infant. I feel like I'm over that part of my life and I'm pretty set in that opinion.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I think it’s good to consider your children.

It’s kind to speak with any squeeze you currently have, to make her feel good. Sort of like putting salutations on letters.

But yes, it is only your opinion that really matters.

The idea you should put it off because you might meet some youngster who yearns for a biological baby is rather far fetched. I would hope any man wouldn’t be hanging onto his fertility in the hopes of using it to score some young chick.

When my wife mentioned to the doctor this was our last baby he offered to do a tubal right then. She did it.

Some disgusting male in law of hers made fun of her and taunted her about the fact I could get rid of her and get me a real woman and have more kids. I scheduled a vasectomy right away. 

Interestingly the insurance would not cover my vasectomy because Mary had just had the tubal ligation. It wasn’t too expensive, though. And it made Mary feel better.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Surfer Joe said:


> I don't want another kid. I'm 41. I've endured the loss of my first child at birth. I was lucky enough to have two more after that. They're getting to be awesome ages (5 and 8) and I don't have it in me to raise another infant. I feel like I'm over that part of my life and I'm pretty set in that opinion.


With that in mind, I'd communicate that to her explicitly and then schedule the vasectomy.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Quick update. The "scare" was just a scare. It did lead to some good, honest discussions and that is one thing we're proving to be really good at. We found out it was just a scare yesterday - which was also the first chance we had to be intimate since last Wednesday due to my schedule with the kids and we ended up getting together - which I wasn't entirely comfortable with, but which I felt like was okay considering how careful we were.

I'm just still struggling with it. I want to be with her. I'm attracted to her and vice-versa and she's pretty amazing across the board, but she definitely seems to need that physical reassurance. I think I can get to the point where I'm more comfortable with it - but I think I will need time.

We talked about it again last night - briefly. She felt bad because she felt like she pressed me too hard before I was ready and it did get a little tense at one point before we actually did it. I struggled to articulate why I was hesitant and I think she struggled to understand. I think in her mind it was "safe" because it as her time of the month - let's do it while it is safe (we still used protection) and that me not wanting to do it was in a sense a rejection of her. 

I believe this is something we can and will work out, but I need to help her understand that this is tough for me. It is not a rejection of her. Again, I find her very attractive and we connect very strongly on a physical level (and on every other level). She is not one to let get away and I think if I can help her understand where I am coming from - she'll work with me. She has already shown that she is willing to do it - but last night - after being apart for several days...it was like she couldn't control herself and it was easy to throw caution to the wind and yes - I know where she is coming from. I believe she understands my anxiety, but she struggled to understand it last night because there wasn't much to worry about considering what was going on.

I said earlier I didn't want more children, but I'm not 100% on that. I kind of want to see where this goes. I don't want to stop being intimate with her, but I struggle to go all of the way. I feel like we're playing with fire.

My ex plunged into a new relationship with a pretty crummy guy after about 6 months and now she's about a month away from giving birth. The whole experience from her introducing this guy to our kids and having him and his kids move in and a ton of bad stuff in-between and now a new baby - it has been rough on my kids. I know they see me as their rock of stability. The parent who will always be there for them. The guy they can count on.

I want to do this right. I really do see a future with her. There is something to build on, but I don't want to screw it up like my ex. This is really where my anxiety comes from. I want to introduce her to my kids - to work on building a new/mixed family at my house - to keep building our relationship and do it all in a way that is easier on my kids. She is completely on board with all of that...but I'm simply really afraid that if we slip up we become just like my ex and my kids get clobbered emotionally again.

How do I continue to build this great relationship with this incredible woman if being fully intimate causes so much anxiety? I think I know part of the answer - and that is simply to keep talking - to keep letting her know how I feel. She even told me that last night afterwards when I think she felt remorse (and maybe that isn't the right word) but sadness that she might have been too pushy. She told me to keep talking to her about how I felt...I just don't know how to say it.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

If I've learned anything lately about how a relationship might break down, it's a lack of communication. She sounds like she wants to be there for you and that's great. You should do the same for her. If you think she's struggling with aspects of your relationship, she needs to be able to speak about it too. Are you speaking to a counselor or anyone about how to voice your fears?

It sounds like, for the most part, this is happening. Keep it up. It sounds like things are going in a positive direction. As for the child thing, if I were you I'd consider a reversible vasectomy.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Why isn't your GF on birth control too? That would alleviate nearly all of the risk if you both were to be involved and take an active role.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Surfer Joe said:


> I'm leaning towards this option. It's a discussion that we'll have to have - because I want her to at least have some input in the decision. I think it would be a bad idea to simply go and get one (obviously, right!?)...


Better have that talk quickly. Absolute best day of the year to have a V is end of next week. NCAA hoops tournament first day. Get snipped in the morning. Spend the next couple of days with frozen peas in your lap watching all 32 games in the first round of the tourny.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Bananapeel said:


> Why isn't your GF on birth control too? That would alleviate nearly all of the risk if you both were to be involved and take an active role.


She originally said she didn't want to go on birth control and I didn't push, but then we had this scare and I think she saw how it really got into my head and she then brought it up and I think she'd be willing to go on it. We just have to keep the conversation going.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

When women are resistant to going on birth control it is because they aren't 100% opposed to the idea of getting pregnant. Obviously you are far more worried about it than her. IUD's are a great choice if she doesn't want to use oral hormones or implants.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Sounds like you are playing with fire to me. I echo Banannapeel. If she's not on BC then she's not opposed to getting pregnant.

Hmm. What would I do if I was opposed to another kid and she was not worried about getting pregnant, or possibly hoping it would happen accidentally?

Food for thought. A disturbing thought in my opinion.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> I would not recommend a V.
> 
> If you are truly done having kids, then you are done.
> 
> ...


My friends wife said to me, your either going to meet someone with kids or that wants kids so keep options open and do not have a vasectomy.


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