# Wife had an affair.



## Lithiumflower (Jun 6, 2014)

Hello, I need some advice, I'm sure there are many post about similar things but want to explain my position. My wife and I have been together 8 years, 1 year of that as a married couple. 

We have never had any issues before and we had complete trust for one another. I had been very stressed with work, moving to another country with possible unrest in the future with another relocation in the same job. I have been unhappy with work but don't feel I have any other choice at the moment as the money is so good and I wanted to build the life we always spoke about.

My wife relocated with me which required her to leave her job. She got a new job which was nothing special for her as she is very career driven. She began to sink, feelings of being lost not seeing a future for herself and had no idea what she wanted (never said the marriage was an issue, just her career worries). She eventually got some focus on what she wanted to do and went for it with my full support, which required us to do long distance. She went through the application process which was very stressful but eventually she did not make the cut due to having a very minor spinal defect which isn't noticeable or have any effect on her. 

The morning after the night she got her rejection I had to leave for a course for a month. Her boss who was very supportive and helpful during her application process offered to take her to play some golf, not something my wife had ever done but was sold it as being something new to distract her from her negative thoughts, she let me know prior to see if it was ok, I had no issues of trust and didn't see it as being an issue, and to top it off my wife is 24 and he is 53.

Nothing happened but expressed that she really enjoyed golf and would want to give it another go, I was encouraging her to pursue whatever she enjoyed. She went again and he started confessing all his marital problems. He then confessed in the following days his feelings towards her, she didn't say anything at the time but did a few days later. He convinced her to stay late after work which they eventually kissed, but immediately after came home to me and had a breakdown, saying we were too young to get married and that she didn't know if she ever wants to be married. I gave her the cold shoulder at that point as I was hurt. She didn't confess to kissing him until the end of the following week at which point she went back to stay with her parents to clear her head. She later confessed that in that week prior to going to her parents she had kissed him again and again and even gave him oral sex, she stands by she wasn't comfortable with doing that but that he was persisting on having sex and saw it as a way to keep him quiet. 

My wife has had deep lows throughout her life since her dad died when she was 7, it only became apparent that depression might have been the issue looking back and that if we addressed it this wouldn't have happened. This OM told her everything she wanted to hear, promised her this fantasy world that in her state she believed was possible. This affair last 3 weeks in total with 2 weeks of the kissing and oral sex once, she has done everything all these forums say, complete transparency, passwords, checking in and everything physically possible, she is constantly having panic attack worried about my decision to leave. I have a high moral code (something I truly believe she shared but was so confused that she lost it) and before this I would have said kissing another man would be an ender, but it's not that simple now I'm actually in this position but at this moment I can barely look at her. How can I trust her? how can I truly forgive her? Was she really so lost and low or is she just using that to justify her actions ( she accepts full responsibility and will do anything but does keep saying that I know her and I also know how much she was struggling at the time this all happened)

Sorry for the really long post!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

From my perspective, you're in your 20s as well, right? You're too young to start off with a relationship this screwed up. If she will succumb this easily in these situations, what will happen when she's bored wtih you for other reasons (she *is *bored with you, sir)?

If she shows true remorse, gets counseling from a professional, and you are willing, reconciliation (R) is always an option, But so is divorcing her. 

My wife cheated on me with her ex boss. We are in R. I don't recommend it for the weak of heart. If this was a deal breaker for you in the past, and you let it change you now, OK. But boundaries aren't supposed to move unilaterally. 

Personally, if I were your age and station in life, I'd ditch her and start over. By the way, I'm 55 and my W is 45.

By the way, around this board, "kissing" is cheaterspeak for "fvcking." So you may need to dig deeper into this story she's given you. The boss man may have dug deeper into her than she's telling you.

She says you married too young, but now is worried about losing you? Let her off the hook. Tell her yeah, you did marry too young. Go after that 53 y.o. guy.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

doubletrouble said:


> From


I was wondering the same.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Lithium take your time to decide one way or another.
So far, she is doing all the right things.
She needs ic though or this will happen again.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Lithiumflower said:


> How can I trust her?


You can't; especially in regards to her telling you the truth about what she did with the OM. You simply should not take her word for it. There's a very good chance that this was a full blown PA. Cheaters very rarely admit everything. It's called trickle truth and we know this from experience.

Given that, there's an important question you need to ask yourself. Is a full blown PA is a deal breaker for you? 

Let us know that answer, as the advice on your approach will depend on it.

Sorry you're here.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here. Your wife most likely has not told you everything. If they kissed, they had Oral if they had Oral they had sex and so forth.

In most cases you do not get the whole truth. It sounds like she confessed to you and you were really not aware

Schedule a polygraph test. I am sure you will get all the truth out of her before it happens.

You have to decide if this is a deal break or not. You do not have to decide today. Start MC right away.

Go get checked for STD's

Right now keep in mind that she cheated at least the one time so you cannot really trust what she is telling you. 

Yep start looking at her text, FB and email. I would place a VAR in her car and she who she is talking to and who she is talking with.

This is a tough road if you decide to R. I am sure you are going through the anger stage. Whatever you do keep your hands to your self


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm all for forgiveness butttttt... 

She blew this guy to "keep him quiet" ..... pretty shallow reason and while still relatively in the honeymoon phase of your marriage. 

I don't think you have a keeper here. Some people are worth fighting for I don't think this is one of them. Move on.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

She left you thinking she had found her knight in shining armor. The boss got what he wanted, then dumped your WW after he refused to leave his wife. This affair was longer than you think and included lots of sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> I'm all for forgiveness butttttt...
> 
> She blew this guy to "keep him quiet" ..... pretty shallow reason and while still relatively in the honeymoon phase of your marriage.
> 
> I don't think you have a keeper here. Some people are worth fighting for I don't think this is one of them. Move on.


Exactly that was the best she could come up with?:scratchhead::slap:


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## Lithiumflower (Jun 6, 2014)

Thank you for your replies so far.

I honestly don't know the answer to that badmemory, a part of me thinks that oral sex is almost or just as bad as a full blown PA. She could have got away with not telling me about the oral, we were working through counselling and trying to be better people for each other, but she confessed as she couldn't keep living a lie.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tobyboy said:


> She left you thinking she had found her knight in shining armor. The boss got what he wanted, then dumped your WW after he refused to leave his wife. This affair was longer than you think and included lots of sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Find a way to tell the bosses wife asap!


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## Lithiumflower (Jun 6, 2014)

He did not drop her, he wanted nothing more than to run off with her from the emails she provided me, she was the one who cut off all communicated and ended it with him.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Lithiumflower said:


> He did not drop her, he wanted nothing more than to run off with her from the emails she provided me, she was the one who cut off all communicated and ended it with him.


If you r, she knows she has to quit right?


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## Lithiumflower (Jun 6, 2014)

Also in the emails between them it does indicate that they did not have sex. Sorry I'm missing information pertinent to my situation.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Let me get this straight - Your married with a year and she blew her 53 year old boss. Your still in the honeymoon phase of your marriage. What happens when you guys hit a low pattern in a couple of years and a younger, fit dude hits on her?

The most important question? Will you ever be able to trust her again? If not, can you live the rest of your life with a person you don't trust?


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## Lithiumflower (Jun 6, 2014)

tom67 said:


> If you r, she knows she has to quit right?


She quit the job as soon as she confessed to me.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

it seems that you are well informed about TAM methods to avoid trickle truth and finding the whole true.

she has also to prove her detachment from OM and her loyalty to you by helping you ratting the OM at work and to his wife/girl friend, of course she have to leave the work also, any demonstration or she trying to cover him up or not wanting to "affect" him, will show you with whom her loyalty really is.

also, being honest with you, here on TAM we always hard time believing that it was just oral (sometimes it is, but most of the times is full intercourse), normally oral is the only that the WS confess because they think that at least if there was no penetration then is not a deal breaker for the BS.

maybe even a polygraph test could give you full assurance that really there was nothing else.


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## lone and cautious (Jul 29, 2013)

She may be doing the right things but honestly you shouldn't have to be in this position in the first place. First off, you can bet that they have had sex. Cheaters hardly ever tell the truth the first time and she's already tickle truthed you by saying it was kissing....then oral sex later on which cheaters hardly ever stop at before going full service.

She gave him oral sex to keep him quiet? Umm....telling him no would have been a more effective way to keep him quiet, or even better, suing him for sexual harassment. No, she very much wanted to give him this because she is self centered. You did say she was very career driven right? I'll bet this was an opportunity she saw and it didn't pan out how she wanted.

Look man, you're still young (assuming you are close to your wife's age) and you've only been married a year and she's already cheating on you? With someone almost twice her age? Eww!

Now what type of woman do you have? A selfish emotionally damaged young woman who blew a 53m boss? And it's only been one year? Even if she's really sorry, she's proven to have a weak will and will break boundaries for fantasies. Perhaps if she had come to you for help, you know the person that has sworn his life to, the issues could have been addressed. 

My personal opinion is that she is using this as an excuse for her actions. I would divorce her immediately based on the circumstances (young age, marriage duration). And even if you do want to Reconcile, she has to be the one to do the backbreaking work involved and treat you like a king. 

It's your call ultimately, and your decision should be respected by anyone. However, my suggestion is this...stick to your morals man, no one will blame you. I most certainly will not.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Is your wife on lithium? Does she have a psychiatrist? What does the doctor say?

Sounds messed up. If she is bi-polar, are you ready for the ride?


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## Lithiumflower (Jun 6, 2014)

This OM and I work in the same world and the organisation doesn't take this type of thing lightly and a massive investigation is underway, my wife has provided all the emails and numerous statements in the interest of me getting some justice for this. She had no scope to get promoted as it is only a temporary 2 year job that CANNOT progress into promotion, another reason why she was so lost career wise, as she was in a situation where she had to wait a few years to be somewhere she could take the steps towards her career.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Is your wife on lithium? Does she have a psychiatrist? What does the doctor say?
> 
> Sounds messed up. If she is bi-polar, are you ready for the ride?


Tell her the marriage is on hold and it is up to her to prove herself.
Pick out a future date for a review say 6 months.
That's if what she has done is not a deal breaker already.


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## lone and cautious (Jul 29, 2013)

Lithiumflower said:


> This OM and I work in the same world and the organisation doesn't take this type of thing lightly and a massive investigation is underway, my wife has provided all the emails and numerous statements in the interest of me getting some justice for this. She had no scope to get promoted as it is only a temporary 2 year job that CANNOT progress into promotion, another reason why she was so lost career wise, as she was in a situation where she had to wait a few years to be somewhere she could take the steps towards her career.


Excellent! Get as much justice as you can out of this. So she blew a boss from a temp job? And said you guys were too young to get married? Well, she may have said something truthful there. Try again with another woman dude.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I get that you have some feelings for her. But you can still keep her as an acquaintance, friend her on face book and such - but don't ever have kids with this woman. It won't go well for anyone including her.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I'm gonna be blunt. I am somewhat tired of people dithering about on what to do. Here is the deal: If your wife giving a BJ to a 53 yr old man who may have finished in her mouth at this phase of your marriage is not enough to make you walk away, then it is irrelevant that they had actual sex. You are going to stay. Make peace with that, do what it takes to get you thru the rest of your life with her. 

On the other hand, if the idea that she could progress in a relationship with this guy while misleading you, and then ultimately go physical and end up swallowing his seed, is something that transparency and remorse is never going to fix, then move on. 

Get you some counseling, prepare for night sweats, tears, etc. but move on. BTW, whether you stay of not, you are gonna still trigger and everything. The question is, are you going to be 10 years in with kids and a lot at stake, hoping and praying that she does not do worse with someone else and still triggering because she already has done it with someone else. Life gets more complicated, so if she reacted this way this early on, what happens when there is a mortgage, kids, maybe job loss, sick parents, etc.? 

The words are harsh, but so is your reality. Which road do you want to take?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I'm glad the company is investigating. A 53 yo man taking advantaged of a depressed 24 yo subordinate? Disgusting. Sorry man, whatever you decide to do long term.

Oral sex is a PA no matter how you slice it. And even if that is "ALL" they did, to me it's worse than sex. Every time you go to kiss her, or even look at her, you will think of him being in her mouth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The three options I see ahead of you:

#1 get real, real comfortable with never ever feeling "safe" with your wife... FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. That's a jail sentence in my mind. The odds of a single isolated affair in a very long life is very low indeed. Even if it is, you will live with the pain of this for the rest of your life. The. Rest. Of. Your. Life.

#2 turn your back on this relationship and start again. A lot of pain now for a short period of time and a shot at a happier life long-term.

#3 a don't ask/don't tell kind of arrangement

#4 and a very distant small chance that this will never ever happen again and anything she can do will erase the lifetime of revisiting this pain again and again at 3am every night... and that's only if she doesn't do this again.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I'm glad the company is investigating. A 53 yo man taking advantaged of a depressed 24 yo subordinate? Disgusting. Sorry man, whatever you decide to do long term.
> 
> Oral sex is a PA no matter how you slice it. And even if that is "ALL" they did, to me it's worse than sex. Every time you go to kiss her, or even look at her, you will think of him being in her mouth.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She may get a nice settlement to keep her mouth shut.
It happens a lot.


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## Lithiumflower (Jun 6, 2014)

Everyone keeps mentioning that we have only been married a year, I don't consider that the start of our relationship, when it started 7 years prior to that.


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## funnybunny29 (Apr 1, 2014)

You will never be able to trust her and it's horrible to be in a marriage without trust. I know all about it. Get out now before you have kids.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lithiumflower said:


> Also in the emails between them it does indicate that they did not have sex. Sorry I'm missing information pertinent to my situation.


I'm guessing you mean PIV, as oral sex is sex.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

tom67 said:


> She may get a nice settlement *to keep her mouth shut.*
> It happens a lot.


Ha ha!

(Sorry, couldn't help but laugh.)


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

If you have been together a total of 9 years, I have to assume you started dating in your high school years. 

Are you each other's first? 

These relationships that start early can fizzle out and become stale if people haven't sewn their oats. 

Now the above is no justification for what your wife has done. 

EVERY woman has guys coming onto them frequently. In my 20's I had every male boss I ever had flirt heavily with me. As a young woman, sometimes it was flattering and sometimes it was gross but I never indulged, been when I was single. 

There's going to be a lot of men in your wife's future and she has to set up personal boundaries of saying "no" when she is in a relationship AND/OR if it's her boss. Both are highly irresponsible behaviors. 

I know of two women who did the same as your wife and they both cheated again in their marriages. I do think it would take a lot of counseling for your wife not to give into temptation in the future. 

Marriage will have many challenges in the years to come, especially if children come into the picture. We all fantasise about someone temporarily "taking us away" with fun and sex once we are knee deep in diapers, bills, in-laws........ most of us stay true to our vows through the miserable times because of love and the commitment we made. 

I do feel bad for you AND your wife. But I do think your wife was too easily tempted so early in a marriage. I think she needs consequences of divorce or separation. 

If you can rebuild again after a separation or divorce then maybe you can re-marry in the future. 

Looking back on my marriage, if this would have happened that early, I would have run as fast as I could. Marriage is HARD work for everyone.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Ha ha!
> 
> (Sorry, couldn't help but laugh.)


I should have said to keep her quiet. You are bad.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

tom67 said:


> She may get a nice settlement to keep her mouth shut.
> It happens a lot.





GusPolinski said:


> Ha ha!
> 
> (Sorry, couldn't help but laugh.)





tom67 said:


> I should have said to keep her quiet. You are bad.


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## Jambri (Mar 19, 2013)

Wow you are both in your 20's and she gave a 53 year old man a BJ? To me that's almost worse than having sexual intercourse, although I believe they did that as well. This would be a massive deal breaker for me. If you think you can shove it aside and never think about it you are wrong. this will eat at you for years so if you want to R be prepared for a long, hard road. My advice would be to ditch her and start dating again. You are young enough to start over and build a loving trusting relationship with someone who will love and respect you.

Remember, once a cheater, always a cheater.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I recognize that you have been together for several years and only married for one. That, is a factor that only makes the betrayal worse. After all, you had history.

Still, you will have to make peace with whatever your choice happens to be. If I were you, this would be a deal breaker. I would cut my losses, grieve heavily, second guess myself, be angry, curse her out, have sex with her, cry, and repeat. At no point would I reconcile. At no point would I consider the past as a reason to stay, because she didn't. I would file for divorce, and do all of the things I mentioned above. Once it was final. I would avoid her like the plague because I would not trust my self not to get sucked back into a relationship.

Years later, as I would be sitting watching my kids with my new wife, who I would make damn sure was nothing like my old one (no similar family history or lifestyle) I would wonder, ever so briefly, how things would have turned out had I stayed. Then, after looking at my good wife and kids, I would say, "it would never have been as good as this." That is the path I would choose. I don't know about you.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Lithiumflower said:


> Thank you for your replies so far.
> 
> I honestly don't know the answer to that badmemory, a part of me thinks that oral sex is almost or just as bad as a full blown PA.


 Friend. what difference does it make. She had another mans penis. Doesn't mean squat if it was in her vagina, ass or mouth, his dik didn't belong anywhere but in his pants.

Then she says she did it to shut his mouth. What she should have done was not put it in her mouth. It was a piss poor excuse and if your ready to believe her then you get what you deserve. 

If it was me, I would tell her that she can blow him until the cows come home and hand her, coat, suit cases and point to the door.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Lithium she's lying. Lying through her nasty little d!ck sucking mouth. She had full blown sex with him, multiple times.

Get out of your denial. You know it in your heart of hearts.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You realize that in the original post, you made half a dozen excuses for what she's done, right?


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Lithiumflower said:


> Everyone keeps mentioning that we have only been married a year, I don't consider that the start of our relationship, when it started 7 years prior to that.


It's only been a year since you made vows on front of God, family, and friends...and she lied to all of them!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

turnera said:


> You realize that in the original post, you made half a dozen excuses for what she's done, right?


Most everyone does this. It's very sad because they love this person, MARRIED this person. 

It's so easy to take blame or make justifications for someone you love. Some people never get angry and are willing to rug sweep. 

Very sad story.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

badmemory said:


> There's a very good chance that this was a full blown PA.


In a manner of speaking you can say that. I am bit old fashion and probably older than most poster so I don't understand the notion that, "it only went as far as her giving him oral sex. At least it didn't reach the PIV level." I'm I the only one that thinks putting some guys pecker in her mouth and getting him off is as bad as PIV sex?
I can assure you that back in my day if I could get a gal to give me oral sex I could do her nine ways to Sunday and as likely as not, already did.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Lithiumflower said:


> I have a high moral code ... before this I would have said kissing another man would be an ender, but it's not that simple now I'm actually in this position but at this moment I can barely look at her.


So let me ask you a question, Lithium.

What about the situation makes this complicated? You said that before this happened, you would have ended the relationship at a kiss. Well, your wife has gone well beyond that at this point. I won't argue semantics with you, but oral sex is still sex. Like it or not, your wife was sexually intimate with another man, despite taking vows to be faithful to only you.

Make whatever excuse you want for her, but those are the cold, hard facts. So according to your "moral code," your marriage is over and your wife should be well out the door. Except she's still with you. What's keeping her there? What's keeping you from pulling the trigger?

I don't feel any particular way about your situation. It's bad that she decided to shack up with her boss to feel better about herself, but the fact that she has confessed is a point in her favor. You seem young, so you could go either way - try and reconcile, or divorce and move on. 

I get the feeling from your posts, however, that you want to reconcile with her and are hoping to hear some coddling encouragement. And if that's the case, you've come to the wrong place. The posters of TAM are very strongly opinionated, and have experienced and witnessed infidelity enough to be somewhat jaded and cynical about the ordeal. Cheaters tend to follow patterns, and the folks at TAM are tragically familiar with them, and will not hesitate to point them out if anything about your story sounds remotely familar. And, despite your wife coming clean about the initial infidelity, she had plenty of opportunity during her late night work hours to get a little more "personal" with her boss. I'm not convinced that she "only" blew him.

And in truth, even is she did "only" blow him, it's still sex, and it's still cheating. _Whatever_ she says to excuse herself, and whatever you say to excuse her, she took this man's sexual organ in her mouth, and fellated him. She had a sexual encounter with this man. The bottom line is this: you can either deal with the fact that your wife has cheated on you sexually, or you can't. 

If you can't, head to a lawyer and start the divorce proceedings. 

If you can, then your wife is going to need to get help. Depression is a trash excuse for cheating and deceiving someone else, especially when it's her loving partner she is deceiving. She will need to get some counseling and therapy to get to why she did what she did, and she will need to bust her ass proving to you that she is worth trusting again. She seems to be on the right path, but the decision to divorce or reconcile lies with you, and you alone.


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## Lithiumflower (Jun 6, 2014)

Thank you all. You are right, I did come here hoping that my situation had something different that it warranted a reconciliation and that the majority of people would advise on that course of action. The simple truth as to why I haven't kicked her out on her ass is that I don't think this decision can be made only 2 days after finding out all(if it is all) the information.

I truly believe she is remorseful, but you are right, that doesn't change what happened and whether or not I can see a good life for us down the line but is it really the best idea to throw her to the curb now as so many have suggested, marriage may not have meant much to her in that moment but it does mean a lot to me, so how can I justify ending something I respect (marriage) so quickly without giving time (however much I need, months/years) to see a future what sort of future we could have.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Go with a separation for now. take the decision to end the marriage or reconcile in a few months when you have a bit more clarity about the situation. You need two willing people to make the marriage succeed. Just you isn't enough..




> his affair last 3 weeks in total with 2 weeks of the kissing and oral sex once, she has done everything all these forums say, complete transparency, passwords, checking in and everything physically possible, she is constantly having panic attack worried about my decision to leave.


Looks like she cheated during multiple instances. So she fully knew what was happening and went through with it.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Lithiumflower said:


> Thank you all. You are right, I did come here hoping that my situation had something different that it warranted a reconciliation and that the majority of people would advise on that course of action. The simple truth as to why I haven't kicked her out on her ass is that I don't think this decision can be made only 2 days after finding out all(if it is all) the information.
> 
> I truly believe she is remorseful, but you are right, that doesn't change what happened and whether or not I can see a good life for us down the line but is it really the best idea to throw her to the curb now as so many have suggested, marriage may not have meant much to her in that moment but it does mean a lot to me, so how can I justify ending something I respect (marriage) so quickly without giving time (however much I need, months/years) to see a future what sort of future we could have.



That's fine, we're just saying, you'll most likely you will be back here down the road and with kids and such, you going to be really screwed.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Look I'm going to be blunt. 

Two ADULTS did their thing. No one forced Lithium's wife to "go down" on this guy. Nobody twisted her arm, she wanted to do it, hence the we got married too young speech.

It's not you got married too young, it's you've been together for so long AND you're both young, and not been with other people.
She's being hit on by another guy, flirting, she liked it. She's thinking wow this maybe naughty but it's nice to be desired and wanted. Hence in her mind she detaches from you because she's already KNOWS she wanted to cheat. That's why she WANTED TO GO and have more lessons.

Planned to go to her parents house (is that correct?) and cheated then after she had given you the I don't know if I ever wanted to get married speech. She planned to lie to you, then went to him knowing what was going to happen. Doesn't seem like the actions of someone uncomfortable with what they are doing. 

So are you going to forget the little statement she made? SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHETHER SHE EVER WANTED TO GET MARRIED! That is forever there, first guy that hits on her she going down on him, he's touching on her and whatever else. Make no mistake that she wanted to cheat. And that statement above, if you rugsweep will come back to bite you down the line.

What happens 7 years down the road and you've hit a rut and she's bored? She's already had a taste, if she wants to do it she will.

I say all this because you said something about her giving you documents so you could get some justice. That seems to put all the burden of this on the OM, like he was some evil predator who forced your wife into doing what she did. Yes he's a POS, expose him by all means but don't make excuses for your wife.

She knows you better than you know yourself, so all the panic attacks etc are simply to keep you from bailing and keep you sympathetic, after all this "panicky" woman was the same one who told you she didn't know whether she wanted to be married, now she's freaking? Careful you don't get played because like the other posters said you made a dozen excuses for why she did this. Lost her job, blah blah blah.

THERE ARE NO EXCUSES FOR CHEATING! ZERO.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> like he was some evil predator who forced your wife into doing what she did.


He was her boss. She is 23, one relationship before this. he is 53. She is definitely wrong but he was a predator.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Lithiumflower said:


> This OM and I work in the same world and the organisation doesn't take this type of thing lightly and a massive investigation is underway, my wife has provided all the emails and numerous statements in the interest of me getting some justice for this. She had no scope to get promoted as it is only a temporary 2 year job that CANNOT progress into promotion, another reason why she was so lost career wise, as she was in a situation where she had to wait a few years to be somewhere she could take the steps towards her career.


 I don't get this "she was lost" crap! At 24 cheating is a personality trait/ character flaw. The real work in a marriage starts when you've been married for a decade or 2 and life throws those F-ed up curve balls. At 24 and her career is her excuse.....no kids....just bag it. 

Sorry to be short about it but, cheating without kids is a no brainier.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

BobSimmons said:


> Look I'm going to be blunt.
> 
> Two ADULTS did their thing. No one forced Lithium's wife to "go down" on this guy. Nobody twisted her arm, she wanted to do it, hence the we got married too young speech.
> 
> ...


Good post!


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> He was her boss. She is 23, one relationship before this. he is 53. She is definitely wrong but he was a predator.


Anyone in a position of power who sleeps with subordinates is a predator. 

Example...teachers, bosses, instructors, therapists, priests......all are abusing power and should pay. 

Positions of power hold more responsibility and a need for higher moral fiber.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Lithiumflower said:


> Thank you all. You are right, I did come here hoping that my situation had something different that it warranted a reconciliation and that the majority of people would advise on that course of action. The simple truth as to why I haven't kicked her out on her ass is that I don't think this decision can be made only 2 days after finding out all(if it is all) the information.
> 
> I truly believe she is remorseful, but you are right, that doesn't change what happened and whether or not I can see a good life for us down the line but is it really the best idea to throw her to the curb now as so many have suggested, marriage may not have meant much to her in that moment but it does mean a lot to me, so how can I justify ending something I respect (marriage) so quickly without giving time (however much I need, months/years) to see a future what sort of future we could have.



(Sigh)... Realistically you do have time, the problem is that it's highly likely that she will get pregnant and all the rules change. Your happiness and contentment will come second the the well being of a child. 
Then your excuse for not moving on to a trustworthy woman will be that you don't want some other dude raising your child. Then we start the life of misery.

Right now you have the world by he balls. You're in your early 20s, you have a good job, no kids, heck! Most people don't get married till later now so if you divorce you never have to deal with her again.
Your scared..right? I mean...this is the only real relationship you've had. Trust me, the world is full of women. Another will be there correcting all the wrongs you've endured. Just pay head to the red flags you just learned about. 

Good luck!


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So sorry for your pain.

It does seem like you are still in love with her. You are in love with your idea of her. 

Has she written a timeline of all the affair, with everything disclosed on the road to the oral sex? Has she been tested for stds? 

How would she feel if you had an affair? would she be as understanding as you are? Have you told her parents about her actions? 

You do need some time to think and it will take time to make your decision. right now, I would think that you might want to start getting some counseling, both IC and MC. 

You are really hurt. Sometimes exercise helps some, but so does the 180. (hope you have read about it on TAM) 

the 180 helps to decrease the pain, at least a little. Some time also helps. But it will take a long time to decrease the pain and it takes years.

You know her or think you did. How is she not going to hurt you like this again? Think hard about this, because the boss was old, compared to you. 

good luck getting the trust back.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I'm not trying to shift any of the blame off your wife. She knew what she was doing, and betrayed you.

However, this disgusting 53 year old lump needs some attention, too. Going after another man's young wife is simply reprehensible. At some point, when the situation changes to suit your purposes, he needs a visit, even if he's in Depends by that time. 

Cheaters all deserve a day of reckoning.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Lithiumflower said:


> Thank you all. You are right, I did come here hoping that my situation had something different that it warranted a reconciliation and that the majority of people would advise on that course of action. The simple truth as to why I haven't kicked her out on her ass is that I don't think this decision can be made only 2 days after finding out all(if it is all) the information.
> 
> I truly believe she is remorseful, but you are right, that doesn't change what happened and whether or not I can see a good life for us down the line but is it really the best idea to throw her to the curb now as so many have suggested, *marriage may not have meant much to her in that moment but it does mean a lot to me, so how can I justify ending something I respect (marriage) so quickly without giving time (however much I need, months/years) to see a future what sort of future we could have*.


LF, if this is a real post and you're truly seeking help ...

#1 - Marriage is a 2-person partnership .. YOU can want the marriage all you want .. but if your wife is out giving BJs to old men it seems to me that you're the only one married, she's off living the single life already

#2 - You ask about the future? Well, after what your wife has done .. you just received a glimpse of what lies ahead .. take a good long hard look my friend.

#3 - Leave her and cut you losses now. Just thank god you guys don't have kids. Go find a woman with some morals.

Good luck, not that you need it ... you're still very young. You can do better than this.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lithium

While I think most of the posters are right you do have a few things in your favor.

1. She came clean and told you. Maybe not everything but cheaters rarely come 100% clean at first. Demand that.

2. She is actively assisting with the investigation of a complaint against him. She should. It shows remorse.

I know you love her. I know you are upset and these events are pretty recent.

So sit on any decision for a few weeks. Because this is a big decision to make. I vetted my wife for a few years before I ever married her.

It worked for me. Not for you. All you can do now is clean up the mess with her boss. And encourage your wife to get some therapy to figure out why she made such bad decisions.

Give it a few months to see if she can understand why she betrayed your marriage.

Give it a few months to feel if you can forgive her.

Give it a few months to see if she can forgive herself. Sometimes Tammers forget that when a spouse comes clean of their own free will they are experiencing terrible guilt. 

And if they don't get help for that guilt it can lead to more bad decisions.

Keep posting.

HM


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

This is hard to read. Your wife doing a person old enough to be her parent. This is flat out disgusting. Everyone here understands your pain. Your mind is racing and you can't eat or sleep, right? Get used to that. People here have been in your shoes, including myself. It's nearly impossible to pull yourself up from your bootstraps and forge ahead in the first couple of weeks. But I can tell you this, it will get somewhat easier to cope, but you will need some professional help. Right now at your age, you may or may not having the coping skills necessary to deal with this. I only say this because I was your age at one time and had to deal with leaving the military. Not an easy thing, but over time I made it. What I/we are saying is coming here to understand your feelings will help. Seeing a counselor will also help, but being involved in a forum, with other people, who have had their hearts ripped out, is equally beneficial. 
Here are a few things that might help. Work on you. Exercise if you can, eating right now might not sound good. Protein shakes and fruit will give you what you need for now. Go out with friends. If you have a close friend or family member, tell them what is going on. It's helpful to have a sounding board, besides coming here. Keep your alcohol intake to a minimum. Heavy boozing will only leave you feeling more depressed the following morning. Look up the 180 program, this will help. I know you have a few years under your belt with your wife. Has there been other red flags in the past that shows she has done this before? What are prepared to do now. One year married and this is going on, not good. The marriage that you had is over. Trust is gone. Even if you work through this, you will never fully trust her again. Not like you did. Good luck, this will not be easy.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Move on. You're too young to stay with a cheater for life.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Don't make any rash decisions, agreed.

But DO NOT get her pregnant right now under any circumstances.

She/both of you may want to hysterical bond.

Do not let children complicate any decisions you may want to make down the road. Next week, next month, in a year.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Lithiumflower said:


> He did not drop her, he wanted nothing more than to run off with her from the emails she provided me, she was the one who cut off all communicated and ended it with him.



That's what they all say because women buy that bullsh!t. He's not going to leave his wife, he'll just feed her bull so she keeps putting out. She's nothing more than a stupid cheap piece of arse to him, and he didn't even have to work that hard for it. I'd really consider if you want to continue with her.

And I agree, tell his wife asap. He'll throw her under the bus for his own rear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

You could have skipped all the defending of her behavior, and the long back story because no backstory excuses what she did

you are in your 20's
you have no kids
your wife of ONE year sucked her 53 year old boss's wrinkle stick

why in gods name have you not kicked her out and filed for divorce?? Why would you want to spend the rest of a long life with someone SURE to cheat on you again...there is no way to put this nicely, and i dont know you so sorry, but you sound like a door mat, someone who doesnt stand up for themself and tolerates this behavior...women are NOT attracted sexually to doormats, they are attracted financially to doormats...do you want to be a husband or a wallet??


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I don't know where the pro reconcilation people are today (as in most of the cases I am really no pro reconcilation), but well, objetively speaking your wife has shown many characteristics of true romorse and disposition to do heavy lifting:

- she came clean on her own.
- she went NC inmediatly after DDay
- she quit her job
- she provided you with a time line.
- she provided you with evidence.
- she is willing to help you to take down POSOM.
- she letting you have total transparency about her commnications and actions.

Her bahaviour is the ideal for those who are willing to give reconcilation a shot, now you have to look in yourself and realize if cheating is a deal breaker to you or not, we have many users that even when they had truly remorseful wives/husbands failed in their reconcilation attemp because infidelity was really their deal breaker ("oldsmitten", "badblood", "2xloser", "healer" and more recently after a 3 year attemp "LonelyGirl123").

Now you also have to be aware that reconilation is not easy or fast, it take years (between 3-5 according the common knowladge), there are some exceptions as "B1" who took less than a year and now is in a really good marriage enjoying life to the fullest with his wife "E1", but that is an exceptional case, normally lashes, mindmovies, incesant questioning, panic attacks take years to dissapear.

I advice you to read the following link:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

specially post number 3, and share it with your wife, so you and her are aware with what you may have to deal if you give reconcilation a shot.
*
Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.*

also the reconcilation thread have coupes that are going trough reconcilation with good results, you may want to take a look and ask people for advice or PM them if you want:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/52974-reconciliation.html

lastly what people is telling you is truth, you don't have to take your decission right now you can take a time with yourself and even separate yourself from you wife some weeks to think and realize what you really want, once a kid enter in the game the whole dynamic of your situation will change forever.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

missthelove2013 said:


> why in gods name have you not kicked her out and filed for divorce?? Why would you want to spend the rest of a long life with someone SURE to cheat on you again...there is no way to put this nicely, and i dont know you so sorry, but you sound like a door mat, someone who doesnt stand up for themself and tolerates this behavior...women are NOT attracted sexually to doormats, they are attracted financially to doormats...do you want to be a husband or a wallet??


Probably because they both started when they were 16 years old, so he's probably never been with anyone else. Never had a chance to be single and experience other relationships with other people. This breeds codependency. In other words, he's afraid.

I can just see the rugsweeping that's going to happen here. Probably just one of those people who simply have to learn the hard way when it happens again, next time with children in the picture, financial assets tied together, bills to pay, etc.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

manticore said:


> I don't know where the pro reconcilation people are today (as in most of the cases I am really no pro reconcilation), but well, objetively speaking your wife has shown many characteristics of true romorse and disposition to do heavy lifting:
> 
> - she came clean on her own.
> - she went NC inmediatly after DDay
> ...


You missed one key issue though, and that is his wife hasn't expressed that she really wants to be married to him at this pount. Did I miss something? I thought she told him she wasn't sure if she wanted to be married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

i dont care if shes agreed to wear an iron chastity belt around her crotch AND her mouth, to surrender all phone and computer access, quit her job, and never leave his sight again

she cheated after ONE year of marriage...

ONE YEAR


ONE



year


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> He was her boss. She is 23, one relationship before this. he is 53. She is definitely wrong but he was a predator.


For heavens sake man, she's 23, not a 17 year old. He's no more a predator than the average guy in the street wolf whistling at every chick that passes by. He's 53, probably thought it was the luckiest day of his life a 23 year was falling for his sh*t.

POS yes, but let's not elevate him to something he's not. Jerk, loser yes. Predator means she was somehow helpless to defend his advances. You get hit on, you say no..not plan to go out to golf and go down on someone. Takes two to tango.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

One year after vows and you are dealing with this. Get divorced now, it will never be easier. Here is my take on your options.

Option #1:
Divorce. No further contact or communication. (This is my preferred option)

Option #2:
If you have a terminal case of "oneitis" with this girl, that is fine. Divorce her, cut the legal ties and continue on in a relationship. If she is truly remorseful, she will still be there and if this crap happens again (likely), you can walk away without worrying about the legal ramifications.


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## MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut (Mar 13, 2014)

BobSimmons said:


> For heavens sake man, she's 23, not a 17 year old. He's no more a predator than the average guy in the street wolf whistling at every chick that passes by. He's 53, probably thought it was the luckiest day of his life a 23 year was falling for his sh*t.
> 
> POS yes, but let's not elevate him to something he's not. Jerk, loser yes. Predator means she was somehow helpless to defend his advances. You get hit on, you say no..not plan to go out to golf and go down on someone. Takes two to tango.


I don't know. It sounds creepy. The boss is similar age what her dad would be if he was alive. The boss probably knew her dad died when she was 7 and she most likely have some issues about that and he used that knowledge to his advantage and probably presented himself as some sort of father figure to her. After he gained her trust and got closer to her he made his move. Plus he was in position of power. Actually that sounds like a disgusting old pervert grooming on young girl who are the age of his children if he has any.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut said:


> Actually that sounds like a disgusting old pervert grooming on young girl who are the age of his children if he has any.


 :lol:

Don't tell me. This is another situation where the OM is responsible for this cats wife giving extramarital BJ. Hey, I understand. She's just an innocent 24 year who was led astray by a crafty old guy. Give me a break. :rofl:


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## MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut (Mar 13, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> :lol:
> 
> Don't tell me. This is another situation where the OM is responsible for this cats wife giving extramarital BJ. Hey, I understand. She's just an innocent 24 year who was led astray by a crafty old guy. Give me a break. :rofl:


I didn't say she's innocent. The boss sure has a lot of responsibility as her boss. Sticking your penis in your employees' mouth isn't the way to go as an employer. What common could a 53 year old guy have with a girl less than half his age anyway. It's reprehensible IMO. He is most likely perving his daughter's friends too.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut said:


> I didn't say she's innocent. The boss sure has a lot of responsibility as her boss. Sticking your penis in your employees' mouth isn't the way to go as an employer. What common could a 53 year old guy have with a girl less than half his age anyway. It's reprehensible IMO. He is most likely perving his daughter's friends too.



I have to disagree with this. It's certainly inappropriate as her boss and because they're both married, but that would be true regardless of their ages. If they were both single and he wasn't her boss most men would be high fiving him; it's not unusual at all to see guys trying for 20 and 30 years younger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut (Mar 13, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I have to disagree with this. It's certainly inappropriate as her boss and because they're both married, but that would be true regardless of their ages. If they were both single and he wasn't her boss most men would be high fiving him; it's not unusual at all to see guys trying for 20 and 30 years younger.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have no problem with you disagreeing on this.

How about if we switch the genders? A 23-24 year old man having an affair and giving cunnilingus to a 53-54 year old woman who is also his boss. Cue in the outcry about toyboys and cougars!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut said:


> I have no problem with you disagreeing on this.
> 
> How about if we switch the genders? A 23-24 year old man having an affair and giving cunnilingus to a 53-54 year old woman who is also his boss. Cue in the outcry about toyboys and cougars!



First of all, I said it's inappropriate because he's her boss so I don't know why you'd even throw that in there.

Second, why would you assume they'd be an outcry? We've all seen or heard of that situation. In fact, I think people are far less likely to assume that a younger guy is being victimized because it's assumed men can take care of themselves. Even teenagers.....older man sleeps with teenager and he's a sex offender and she's a victim. Older woman sleeps with teenager and nobody thinks he's a victim. In fact people assume he loved it and bragged about it.

Kasey Kasem married a 24 year old when he was 48 and nobody said a word. It's not that unusual..what could they have possibly had to talk about?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut (Mar 13, 2014)

Just stated my opinion and I'm not changing it. Obviously you disagree with it and it's fine, but life is too short to argue about this.


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## pauslon (Nov 27, 2013)

24 yrs old, I would cut and run says the man that his wife had a PA and is now still in R. Difference is, I am heavily invested, I got two young kids, and I do not know your wife like you do, I am only reading what she did on a internet forum and how she mistreated you. She does sound like she is showing remorse, which is a positive. 

The real question you must answer (which you already know what the question is: "Can you trust she will never do this again?" Wanting it and reality are not the same. Rationally looking at this, you are both young and only married for a year, and her comments tell me she is very capable of doing this again.

Either way, from my experiences prepare for:

Panic attacks
Sleepless days that last weeks (months) 
Uncontrollable rage
Suicidal thoughts
Sobbing throughout the night(s)
Feeling the world is injustice
Doing the "if only I would have..."

All this above will change you as a man and a human. The way you deal with it can be for better or worse. Best of luck to you, and Godspeed.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut said:


> Just stated my opinion and I'm not changing it. Obviously you disagree with it and it's fine, but life is too short to argue about this.




Umm ok, didn't realize we were arguing about it. I thought we were having a discussion; that's what this site is for. Nobody asked you to change your mind. That's what makes it a discussion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

missthelove2013 said:


> i dont care if shes agreed to wear an iron chastity belt around her crotch AND her mouth, to surrender all phone and computer access, quit her job, and never leave his sight again
> 
> she cheated after ONE year of marriage...
> 
> ...


 But which was basically 8 years. The typical 7-year itch.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Lithiumflower said:


> marriage may not have meant much to her in that moment but it does mean a lot to me, so how can I justify ending something I respect (marriage) so quickly without giving time (however much I need, months/years) to see a future what sort of future we could have.


 You respecting marriage is fine, but you cannot be married by yourself. A marriage a two party commitment and a marriage is only a marriage if it is mutually respected by both parties in the marriage. You do not have that here. She not only cheated on the marriage, but she actually told you that you “were too young to get married and that she didn't know if she ever wants to be married”, thus renouncing her marriage to you. The worry is that she cheated now before the real pressures in marriage have arrived. Trust me when I say that marriage does not get easier as you get older. For example, children are wonderful to have but they do stress a marriage as both of you share some of your time and love with your children, often putting your children first as you should. Finding out that she is a cheater after you have young children is not the best time to take action.

Every cheater has an excuse to rationalize their cheating. There is always going to be a reason. She has an excuse now, and will have one later should she decided to cheat again. What hits me about this situation is that she did not have a very good excuse compared to others that I have heard here, and she did not have a very compelling affair partner, thus she cheated easily. This does not bode well for you or your potential future children should you stay in this marriage.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut said:


> I have no problem with you disagreeing on this.
> 
> How about if we switch the genders? A 23-24 year old man having an affair and giving cunnilingus to a 53-54 year old woman who is also his boss. Cue in the outcry about toyboys and cougars!


Your username is a flamebait and annoying...
Nothing to do with your argument here though


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut said:


> I don't know. It sounds creepy. The boss is similar age what her dad would be if he was alive. The boss probably knew her dad died when she was 7 and she most likely have some issues about that and he used that knowledge to his advantage and probably presented himself as some sort of father figure to her. After he gained her trust and got closer to her he made his move. Plus he was in position of power. Actually that sounds like a disgusting old pervert grooming on young girl who are the age of his children if he has any.


Again, you talk about issues and taking advantage. She planned to go to him and as an adult willfully chose to lie, so in essence she took advantage of her husband to betray him.

You see pal it works both ways and you go too far with the pervert references. I'm not defending dude but again 23, old enough to vote, join the army yada yada. Plenty of women around that age bracket going out with rich older men or vice versa.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

How did the investigation start? She quit? Or did they get caught with their pants down! She then chose to quit as opposed to being fired with that on the record and she told you for damage control. She was still willing to make out with him multiple times in her words. POLYGRAPH!!!!!!BET IT WENT FARTHER WHILE YOU WERE GONE OUT OF TOWN!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut (Mar 13, 2014)

BobSimmons said:


> Again, you talk about issues and taking advantage. She planned to go to him and as an adult willfully chose to lie, so in essence she took advantage of her husband to betray him.
> 
> You see pal it works both ways and you go too far with the pervert references. I'm not defending dude but again 23, old enough to vote, join the army yada yada. Plenty of women around that age bracket going out with rich older men or vice versa.


That's your opinion. MY opinion is that anyone who is less than half your age and young enough to be your child is too young as a lover. It's creepy. You are free to disagree.


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## MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut (Mar 13, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> Your username is a flamebait and annoying...
> Nothing to do with your argument here though


OK, warlock. Perhaps you can make a spell or something for it to go away?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I am one who believes that most relationships can be saved, IF both parties work to fix the problems. She was played by a man that used his position and her vulnerability to get what he wanted. He needs to be outed to business and his wife. 

She needs an STD test to guard your health. I believe that you should see an attorney to determine legal rights and separate finances, credit cards, etc... as a precautionary measure. Then you can do the counselling and reconciliation route without fear of getting caught off guard. Naturally, reconciliation does leave you open to further hurt, but you have known her for 7 years, we have only known her for a few paragraphs. There is no rush here, best of luck to you.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

VFW said:


> I am one who believes that most relationships can be saved, IF both parties work to fix the problems. She was played by a man that used his position and her vulnerability to get what he wanted. He needs to be outed to business and his wife.
> 
> She needs an STD test to guard your health. I believe that you should see an attorney to determine legal rights and separate finances, credit cards, etc... as a precautionary measure. Then you can do the counselling and reconciliation route without fear of getting caught off guard. Naturally, reconciliation does leave you open to further hurt, but you have known her for 7 years, we have only known her for a few paragraphs. There is no rush here, best of luck to you.


she was very easily played...so unless he can keep her chained up in the basement, she will be easily played again
I HATE it when infidelity is blamed on some romeo or player, as if the ws has NO chance and is hepless to his/her charms...thats horse poop...:lol:


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

You cant builth a R with out knowing the thuth, whole thruth!
No one gives a BJ just to keep him quiet... he had a lot to loss too
Sorry but you dont have the whole picture.

You need to know if she loves him, misses him, other wise why did she went to her parents? no one get in love just 2 weeks kissing and being unconfortable giving a one time BJ

Get a time line, be sure you know the whole truth. if she really wants R needs to probe she deserves it.

1 year marriage cheater, dont wanna know 10 years after... 
You're lucky this happened before having children

Fill the divorce (she needs to know you are hurt for real) and if she really loves you star dating her again and time will tell if you can forgive bc u will never forget


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Sorry for my last post, i get really angry when i think someone is lying, bc I can tell...

Other thought, You should ask her if she wants to be with you, or just don't want a divorce. Sorry again but I don't just get how she got confused about a 3 weeks affair about her feelings for you.

Other thing, get test her for STD. Why if She wasn't comfortable doing BJ she did just to keep him quiet... there were so much others alternatives if she wasn't comfortable. 

Just to keep him quiet she throw away your vowels and risk her/your health.

Sorry again but it just make my blood boil


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Get divorce, at least fill then papers you cant take them back later.

Let her know there is, and was, a real risk of losing you (and the marriage) about what she did, so it won't happen again.

You need to whole truth! so you can move on apart or together.

If you love her don't rug sweeping, no R will turn right from rug sweeping. Get the truth.

Get space to think clearly and make a good desition.

Read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" so you both know what to expect if want to R.

Take care and good luck


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Get timeline, ask about when it begins, exact date. Three weeks affair (just kissing and 1 uncomfortable BJ) is just no time enough to get a wife confused about her feelings for 1 year marriage husband.

Do 180 and trust your gut.

When knowing the whole truth think if someone who lied about her affair is really remorse for what she did, or sad to break with the OM. But if she didn't lie and tell the whole truth from the beginning, think about some one who get confused for 3 kissing 1 uncomfortable BJ weeks affair, on her first marriage year...maybe you just dont know who she is, maybe you never did.

Get space a and a deadline to make a decision, just try to be away so you dont feel sorry to see her remorse (She did wrong you didn't)


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Is LithiumFlower still around ? If so, how are you doing ?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

He came here for answers. I don't think that he liked the answers he was getting...

It's pretty obvious that his WS gave more than a bj to the OM.

I'm thinking that he told himself that if it was "just" one bj, then he could deal with it. If he pushed for the "whole" truth, he was bound to find out that there was a lot more.

He doesn't want there to be more, so he doesn't want to keep reading here, over and over, that there most likely is more.

Hopefully when she does it again, he'll have read enough here to prevent him from rug sweeping the iceberg like he's most likely doing right now...


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

:iagree:


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Dear lithiumflower, 

I am so sorry that you are here and that our words are hard. Believe me all the people here just wanna help.

Remenber that we are talking about paterns, but that does not mean that your situation is alike, maybe it is different. No body can tell.

You can try R if you feel to, but just take good care. Remember that the trust is the glue that will keep you togueter, and the only way to achieve trust is the whole truth, and nothing but truth.


Some says that 100% blinded trust is not healthy,but a good amount of it is really necessary.

Is normal from cheaters to hide the truth, of course they are just trying the minimise the hurt, but as 180, the only way to move on is the whole truth...so don’t be hard on her but not weak, explain to her why more lies (hide the truth) will only wreck the R. remind her that sustain a lie through the same question over and over again, is lying every time not just one lie.

Be aware that even if you both do and are willing to do everything that it takes to be together, the R way is not for the weak. You will be through a lot of phases and are going to be trigger in so many ways, the only thing down the road will keep this ghost away is the tru.

You have the right to try, but also the right to know what are you facing. One thing you should be aware is that the OM will be a shadow in your mind because if an EA was going on, there a lot of possibilities that she will remember the OM everyday for just to much time, sometimes regretting what she did but others willing to hear his smile( you can read about this at "daily strength", "cheater anonymous", at the thread "CS in rebuilding"). 

Note that you can go through this if she is not passive but taking steps and risk to show you every day that you are plan A, and not only a safe marriage that she feels safe)
She may be morning from what has happened to the OM, or not. But she is really scared and numb, help her show her history when the WW took the first and the right steps to a real R (like exposing OM to OM, purchase info whereabouts without asking, blok every person related to the A time if known before you (BC you can feel humiliated to those people that know before you did), etc. there are a lot of successful treads about R

At last here's the secret: Let go. Be ok with yourself no matter if she's in your life or not.

Once you get that, get to that place, it won't matter if she screws up or not, because you'll know you're gonna be ok anyway.

That way, you can approach the R with a clear head and heart.


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