# I just don't know what to do anymore!



## alm74 (Jun 29, 2007)

I am hoping someone can give me some advice. I have posted on here before and took the advice. It helped somewhat, but my situation is, again, similar to the way it was before. This will probably be long, so I apologize in advance. 

I am a 33 year old mom, stepmom, wife, recent college graduate, and part time worker. I have been married to my 38 year old husband for 10 years, and have been together for a total of 13 years. Let me begin by saying my husband is a truly wonderful husband. He has always treated me with respect and has always told me how much he loves me. I am lucky to have someone like him. So, why don't I want to be more intimate with him? His sex drive has always been higher than mine, but it's not just that. He has slowed down his sex drive quite a bit in last few years, maybe because of me or it just happens when you get older. Don't get me wrong, he still has a healthy sex drive, but I don't. We do not have a new baby, so it's not for that reason. He tells me over and over how much he loves me and that sex is a way for him to feel connected to me. I believe he is sincere, so why can't I feel the same way about it? I am pushing him away and I know it and I don't want to push him away, but that isn't enough for me to want sex more. I just don't understand what is wrong with me. 

Just this morning, we had a little argument. Within a period of about 45 minutes, he touched my breast 2 different times. It really bothered me that he did that. I KNOW that this is probably just something normal for men and I'm being "silly" as he put it, but I can't help the way I feel. I almost felt degraded when he did that and I just don't understand why. We've been married for 10 years and I don't want him touching me at times. Are there any other women out there that feel like that when their husbands touch them? Am I being too critical of him? I don't know how to explain to him how I feel about it.

My husband and I have talked and talked and talked about our sex lives and everything that goes along with it. It will get better for awhile, but then it ALWAYS goes back to the way it was. We truly love each other, we are faithful to one another and we don't want to lose each other, but at times I honestly wonder if we were meant to be together since we have such opposite opinions and ideas about the sexual part of our marriage. I do honestly feel that probably 85% of the problem is with me, but I don't know what to do about it. 

I hope everyone else is starting off their new year better than I am.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

CHances are is is a chemical balance problem right before your change of life. This is actually normal. But sex and sexuality is 90% in the mind. 

draconis


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## alm74 (Jun 29, 2007)

Well, I don't think it is the change of life...I'm only 33. However, I wouldn't doubt if it was some kind of chemical imbalance. I've been like this for several years now. Maybe I need to see a doctor to see if there are any medications that would help. I asked my doctor one time and she told me basically that is the way it is and sometimes we just have to do it to satisfy our husbands. That was some GREAT advice. :scratchhead: Of course, she was going through a divorce at the time!


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

Where it might be normal for a fellow to touch his wife intimately, her being his wife doesn't mean he can touch here anytime he likes. There has to be some from of consent given each time. It is normal for you to feel repulsed when treated like a piece of property and that is what touching your breast ignited, your sense of personal sovereignty.

Women tend to focus on other areas of relationships than men. I don't know who your doctor is but the advice about the "just have to" sounds really patriarchal...and I am being extremely nice using that term.

Redirecting your husband's energy and making sure that he understand that you are not a toy are the first thing you need to get a handle on. Only then can you renegotiate the physical side of your marriage, IMHO.


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## alm74 (Jun 29, 2007)

I agree with what you are saying, but I know he will get all defensive if I tell him that (about not being a toy...etc.). I told him that day that I felt degraded and he can't seem to understand why. He says he can't understand why after being married for 10 years that he can't touch me when and where he wants (within reason...HIS reason however). It just feels so disrespectful to me. He also told me that maybe I needed to release some of my inhibitions. I agree with him a little on that, but I am who I am and he knew how I was when he married me. I'm not saying I'm a prude, but I'm not as forthcoming as he would like me to be. 

I get so many mixed signals from him. He tells me that sex just isn't sex to him. He says it is creating a bond between us and I agree with that. However, when he grabs me or says things like "are you gonna give me some?" or "gimmie some of that" (sorry, but those are some of the wonderfully romantic things he says in hopes of enticing me to the bedroom...give me a break.) it seems to me that he is just horny and needing satisfaction. There is nothing wrong with "being in the mood" but I guess his approaches are lacking something...maybe his choice of words??? Maybe I just need to let him know that I need for him to be a little more loving and romantic about letting me know that he is in the mood. I know what he will say though, "I've tried that and it doesn't work." I'll stop blabbing for now...I'm really just thinking (or typing I guess) out loud.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well the best thing for you to do right now is type out loud. Often by getting things out we reread them and go oh I never thought I felt like that.

Case and point I get from what you are saying on his advances. They do nothing for you yet to him he thinks they should and that "other" approachs fall the same way in his eyes.

I think that he needs to grow up. If you were in the mood and wanted to spank him at a party in front of his friends how would he feel, degraded? Same thing just reversed on him and you act in better taste then he does.

I think his lack of communication hurts him in more then one way in this relationship.

draconis


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## ronnieswifey1120 (Feb 8, 2008)

I'm a newlywed and am kinda going through the same predicament. My husband loves sex, but not in a horny kind of way. There are times where I just want to be in his company rather than being underneath him.. lol.. sorry.. but after sex, I tend to ask questions. I ask why he wanted it, what led him to feel that way, etc. He doesn't consider it sex, rather its making love.. He feels like he's showing his absolute love for me by making love to me. I, on the other hand, would rather he spend quality, non sexual time with me or be romantic. 

I read the book The Five Love Languages and I swear to you, it made me understand my situation A LOT better. It discusses how people have different ways of displaying love and affection. My husband is more physical and I am more emotional and materialistic. 

As for the touching and the "comments" he makes, he probably thinks he sounds good when in reality, you think it's cheesy. My husband does that also. I think it's in an attempt to feel manly or something. I sometimes go along with it just to humor him, but don't take too much offense to his choice of words and actions. I'm sure he means well. I hope my reply helped a little. Good luck with your husband!


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

I think sex starts in the mind. It all depends on the mood. If he touched your breast and you felt degraded, it's probably because you felt groped. I feel like that with my husband. When we were courting he would kiss me and he was very affectionate so sex came easily and it was enjoyable. However, from my experience things have change and he can get lazy and expect the world without trying. He may feel like, hey, your right here, I want it and what's the big deal. Men are visual, they are like I want that and women are more emotional, kiss me, hug me tell me you love me, compliment me on my dress, hair etc. I would talk to him and express how you feel. Just don't do it during sex, if you are not comfortable with talking kiss him or hug him to remind him, this is what you like, so you get what you need and eventually he can get what he wants but you both will feel more connected. Instead of the grope and grab.


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## A Good Husband (Jan 1, 2008)

I'd also recommend reading the 5 Love Languages. It sounds like you both love each other, but aren't communicating that love in the way that each of you understands.

My wife needs to feel loved _emotionally _before we can be together _physically_. When I do make that effort to love her emotionally, however...the sex is really great.

Good luck!


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## alm74 (Jun 29, 2007)

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I talked to him again just the other day because he was driving me crazy about sex. In one day, he managed to mention something about sex 7 times and we were apart for about 10 hours that day! I nicely brought it to his attention, and he said he really didn't realize that he had mentioned it that much. I told him that actions such as hugging, kissing, sitting next to me on the couch, would be so much better than using words. I asked him why he had to say something all the time and he said he just hoped I would take him up on it. How romantic is that? Now, after telling him how I feel, he wakes up this morning and I could tell something was wrong. It was about sex of course, or the lack of it. He stopped making so many comments, but didn't show me any more affection. So, no, we didn't do anything this weekend. 

I'm so lost at this point. I know that making love is his way of showing his love for me. I understand this. But, as someone mentioned, I need for him to fulfill my emotional needs first, before I can satisfy his physical needs. He doesn't seem to understand this. I've tried to explain this to him. Honest to goodness, and you women will understand this, him folding a load of clothes would make me feel closer to him! I won't bore you with details, but he doesn't help around here much at all right now and it pisses me off, especially since both of his kids from his first marriage live with us. (We also have a young daughter together). I love them like my own, but they are teenagers and they drive me crazy at times. I just feel like I am taken advantage of, like it was just assumed that all of this was o.k. with me. (his daughter just recently moved in with us, whereas his son has always lived with us.) I think I may have some deeper issues with everything right now and I know it is affecting our sex life. I just don't know if it will do any good to talk to him about it. I know what he will do, he will listen and then say, "I don't know what you want me to say" and that pisses me off more of course. All that being said, we have always had issues with sex, even before all of that. I have never been able to satisfy him sexually and I told him that I didn't know if I ever would. I'm just lost.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

ALM74

AGH is correct on the 5 Languages of love. It is a great read and can give you and your husband a good place to start some conversations. His love language may be physical touch, where your’s may be acts of service (Folding Laundry) Use the book to communicate what is important to each of you. If he can better fill your emotional needs you may feel better about increasing your intimacy. It can be a win, win for all involved. Try to keep the communication going and build your understanding of each other’s needs. If you both work hard at it you will both feel your selves to be more happy and loved. Good luck and bless.


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## alm74 (Jun 29, 2007)

I will have to give that book a try...now getting my husband to read it is another story. I'm not sure if he would, but I would certainly ask him to read it. I know a major part of our problem is the lack of my emotional needs being met. But I'm not so sure I can get him to understand that. He will probably just think I am being whiny or *****y. We have talked sooo much, but we seem to repeat ourselves. However, I don't think I have ever clearly explained to him about my emotional needs, probably because I never really understood totally myself!


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## alm74 (Jun 29, 2007)

Something else I read just a few days ago...certain medications affect a women's sex drive - birth control pills, high blood pressure meds, and acid reducer meds. I take all three of those! I knew about the bc pills and had heard about the hb pills having that affect, but never the ar pills. What in the world am I supposed to do???? I know there are other contraceptives, but I'm not crazy about most of them. I have to take my bp meds or risk having a stroke. I have heartburn almost everytime I eat, so I have to have the ar meds or I will hurt all day. I guess I am just doomed.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I have no idea on these. Check with your pharmacist or physician to get more information. There may be other options. Good luck


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

Wow, you should talk to your doctor about this and see if there any options. In the mean time, do you and your husband spend time together outside of the house? I notice when my husband and I go out to a party with friends, it reminds me why I fell in love with him. The little moments of closeness helps alot. I know sometimes marriage can be very demanding but you have to make time for eachother, and when I say that not only in the bedroom but outside the bedroom. Also, if you do have other issues with him or the kids you have to address it. I believe communication is the key. However, there are all types of communication styles. You have to figure out which one is the best for you. Also, you definitely have to choose your battles. Figure out what's worth fighting about and what's worth compromising with.


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## alm74 (Jun 29, 2007)

No, we don't do much outside of the house. I have to admit most of the time it is my fault. I have turned into such a homebody. It drives me crazy and him too I'm sure. I always use the excuse that we don't have the money to do anything. It's certainly something that I need to work on. I don't like crowds and we really don't have any other couple friends. Again, I feel like that is my fault because he has tried to get me to go places with some of his co-workers and their wives and I usually tell him no. 

I do have some issues with the kids and I have talked to him about it, but there really isn't much that can be done. It's hard to explain and would take forever to explain. The point is that he agrees with me on the issues for the most part and it's just something we both have to deal with and work on. However, one issue that I have is that I feel like we ALWAYS have a child around us. That is very frustrating to me. Sometimes I think I can't breathe. I know that sounds bad, because I really do love all the kids, stepones and my own of course, but I just need some space at times. 

Yes, we need to communicate more, but I know he feels like we talk about the same things. I bought the book online that a few people mentioned earlier - 5 Love Languages. I am really hoping that will help some and I really, really hope I can get him to read it. 

Wish me luck!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

There may be other medications that do not effect your drive but do the same thing. However, much of the human sex drive is in there minds anyways, and maybe if you start it off even not being in the mood, the very act may turn you on who knows.

draconis


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## Goodkatt (Feb 18, 2008)

draconis said:


> Well the best thing for you to do right now is type out loud. Often by getting things out we reread them and go oh I never thought I felt like that.
> 
> Case and point I get from what you are saying on his advances. They do nothing for you yet to him he thinks they should and that "other" approachs fall the same way in his eyes.
> 
> ...


draconis - I laughted my tail off at your analogy. So true!!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

alm74 said:


> No, we don't do much outside of the house. I have to admit most of the time it is my fault. I have turned into such a homebody. It drives me crazy and him too I'm sure. I always use the excuse that we don't have the money to do anything. It's certainly something that I need to work on. I don't like crowds and we really don't have any other couple friends. Again, I feel like that is my fault because he has tried to get me to go places with some of his co-workers and their wives and I usually tell him no.
> 
> I do have some issues with the kids and I have talked to him about it, but there really isn't much that can be done. It's hard to explain and would take forever to explain. The point is that he agrees with me on the issues for the most part and it's just something we both have to deal with and work on. However, one issue that I have is that I feel like we ALWAYS have a child around us. That is very frustrating to me. Sometimes I think I can't breathe. I know that sounds bad, because I really do love all the kids, stepones and my own of course, but I just need some space at times.
> 
> ...



First good luck!

Second I would like to address the fact you do not have alone time with him. You might ask family or trade days with family to have one day a week you can do things. But I have found that having time even just 4-6 hours a week with the wife only us on a date helps a lot.

If cost in an issue find things that don't cost anything or are low cost. A day at the beach, long walks, walkng around the mall (with no money in your pocket).

Try to reach out with couples things like bowling, or what ever the both of you might enjoy.

Do more things together in your house. CUddle, play board games, watch a movie you both like etc.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Goodkatt said:


> draconis - I laughted my tail off at your analogy. So true!!


Thank you for the kind words.

draconis


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## bipolarswife (Feb 22, 2008)

Have you ever been traumatized sexually?....raped or sexually abused or anything like that? Do you think you could be suffering from depression or low self esteem? Just some things to think about. Counseling could help if any of those apply. I know the antidepressant EMSAM actually has a side effect of increasing sex drive and does not affect orgasms negatively like other antidepressants. 

Best of luck to you!


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## tragic (Mar 3, 2008)

Here's my advice. Get over it. Him touching your boobs was childish. Men do childish things all the time. Your problem is your problem and you need to stop trying to make it his problem.

You say in your posts that you've discussed it and you seem to recognize that this has more to do with you than it does him so I think you realize that this is your issue.

Bottom line it sounds like you don't like the way he attempts to seduce you because they come across as juvenile and you want him to one day recognize that he is being like this and step it up a notch to being a "man." But as a wife of 10 years I think you realize that men don't change and if they do they aren't going to change much.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your marriage fighting over this? Then get over it. I'm being blunt. This is the style of man you married. Stop condemning him for it and understand that this is the way he expresses his affection. You are tying yourself into a little trap of putting your sexuality on a pedastle that's too high for him to jump to. Then you are degrading yourself because he can't make it and treating yourself like a prude.

Try to do little things to loosen yourself up for him. Can you drink a bit of wine perhaps? Can you wear something that makes you feel sexy? Try using oils and lotions and rubbing them all over your body to get yourself in the mood. Be sexy.

I tell you this because for years I had the same problem with my husband though a different style. Not I'm 36 and we have the most incredible sex life. Its something we do together that's very good. So in your case stop keeping your sexuality separate. Meet him down in the mud pile and get it on.

Get over it. He's not going to turn into a debonair seductive man. So embrace the barbaric lover.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

This is a dead thread, but I find it interestingly different from the stuff in year 2015 on TAM.
However, the HD - LD stuff never gets old 

I like the last post by "tragic" which kind of ended the thread for "alm74"

It's kind of like reading an 8 year old magazine. Give it a shot.


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