# Can't get him to understand...



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

My husband talks constantly on the phone with his friends...he has two that he consistently talks to day and night. It pisses me off big-time. But it makes me mad because being that he is in touch with them hour upon hour every day, he knows everything about them, knows how their day went, how they feel, their struggles, what they ate, etc...

He doesn't know that stuff about me and it hurts my feelings that he knows and shares more stuff with them than he does me. Yesterday, for example...I had a really bad day at work. It would have been nice to come home and vent to him about it, discuss it...but he was on the phone going over his friend's day instead. He has no clue what my day was like yesterday. He has no idea who I talked to, what work was like, how I felt, nothing. 

When I bring it up, he accuses me of having issues with jealousy and says he's sick of it, and I don't feel it is a jealousy issue. I just feel like I don't matter to him. 

Is it jealousy?


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

Jealousy? Because you expect common courtesy from your HUSBAND? That's selfish of him to accuse that way. Would he even notice if you came home or not? That would make me mad. My husband wants greeted at the door when he gets home. It's not a demand, just a little thing in life that makes him happy and it makes me happy to do it. When he comes home, he is the center of my attention! That's not unreasonable, that's marriage! I'd ask him, if I were you, if you should stay away and call him on the phone if you have anything to say to him! I guess I would start doing my own thing, if I were in your spot, and see if he notices. He needs jolted a bit, I think.


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## Silly Husband (Aug 30, 2010)

It sounds more like you got your feelings hurt by your H's actions. How you communicate that to him is key.
My wife had a similar complaint w/one of my freinds. If she made comparisons("you talk all day to him but never talk to me!") or approached me emotionally, I felt like she was being jealous and I got defensive. If she waited until later and explained that her feelings were hurt, I saw it completely differently and made changes.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

My wife is the same. Discusses all her issues with other women and not with me. Tells them all the 'news' and gossip. I think more women do this than men. I have got used to it and only complain when its something that affects me. Like having to hear 'personal' news from strangers who are surprised I know nothing about it.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> Are these friends women? Just curious...


No. They're guys.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Silly Husband said:


> It sounds more like you got your feelings hurt by your H's actions. How you communicate that to him is key.
> My wife had a similar complaint w/one of my freinds. If she made comparisons("you talk all day to him but never talk to me!") or approached me emotionally, I felt like she was being jealous and I got defensive. If she waited until later and explained that her feelings were hurt, I saw it completely differently and made changes.


I do understand this. I do usually internalize it all until I blow up on him, then it seems like a jealous rage I guess.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

With "us", it's just all about him. I just picked him up at the airport today. He was on an overnight business trip. I heard all about his trip and his day and how awesome he was at the presentation he did and how everybody loved him. Not once yet has he asked how I was doing or how my day was or anything. I thought about a lot of stuff while he was gone and it really hit me hard how foolish I've been, in more ways than one, throughout our whole marriage. I felt like me again when he wasn't here. I felt like I mattered...and not because he thinks I do or don't, but because I do matter. And all my begging him to see me and pay attention to me and notice me because he normally doesn't...has made me so pathetic. No wonder why he treats me like I don't matter. Because I've taught him that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

While he was talking about himself, why didn't you also start talking about your day?

What are things that you could to do shake up your relationship? For example, when he is on the phone leave. Go do things on your own with your friends. Make him wonder where you are. You need to get his attention on YOU.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Emotional affairs are not restricted to the opposite sex. It sounds like he is having one because he is giving priority to them over the marriage communication. Treat it as one and follow the advice on TAM for an EA. However with this type of EA no contact is not needed. He needs to reprioritize the relationships in terms of topics and time spent. You should be the highest priority.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I just feel like, why even try? If I have to force him to care about me, or to act like he does, than what is the point? I'm at the point of giving up. When people at work act like they care more about you and treat you better than your spouse does, that's pretty bad. 

He even said the other day that he is getting to the point where he doesn't care if I'm mad or upset about something or not because it seems like I always am mad or upset about something. Well...usually it is because of this.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I understand how you feel but if you don’t act now in some way, it will only get worse. He is disconnecting from you he is filling his void with his friends. Perhaps if you take the initiative and setup quality time with him so that the both of you have fun you can turn this around. He did marry you and if you remind him of why in a positive fun way perhaps the time spent with you will increase because you are where the fun is at.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I don;t know any guys who would be talking all of the time like this. Probably less typical for men than women. That said, I would see this as an emotional attachment to them that is hurting the marriage. EA? Perhaps. He is addicted to this behavior.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

He is unusual. It's like a teenager who hasn't grown up when it comes to stuff like that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to do a 180... meaning that you need to do things completely different than you have been.

Your complaining and what looks like begging is turning him off. So stop it.

While you have the right to be upset about this... don't act upset. Act like you do not even care. Get busy... do things that do not include him.

You might want to go check out the 180 on the Divorce Bustingsite. Reading the Divorce Busting book could help you as well.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's very rude and inconsiderate.

I wouldn't come home after work. I'd go out and get a coffee and call my friends.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I just want to thank everybody for taking the time to answer and offer links and stuff, which I will investigate. It just helps to get it out and know that I'm not crazy for being uncomfortable with this.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

It isnt dear... your souse should be your best friend the one you come to if you just spent 2 hours fixing a tire in the snow, if the kids were ill all night and you are running on no sleep and just want a shoulder... some support or reassurance. 

He sounds like my H... he says that I would only be happy if he had no family or friends... it is nothing more than overreaction over a brief mention... but I think that you should try to express your concern your husband about your feelings of lack of worth to him...other wise resentment will be sure to follow...

We believe in you


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Jbear said:


> It isnt dear... your souse should be your best friend the one you come to if you just spent 2 hours fixing a tire in the snow, if the kids were ill all night and you are running on no sleep and just want a shoulder... some support or reassurance.
> 
> He sounds like my H... he says that I would only be happy if he had no family or friends... it is nothing more than overreaction over a brief mention... but I think that you should try to express your concern your husband about your feelings of lack of worth to him...other wise resentment will be sure to follow...
> 
> We believe in you


I have discussed these things with him, and he usually resorts to blaming me. You know, "This isn't my problem, it's yours and you're going to have to figure out how to deal with it." or something like, "It isn't my job to make you feel worthy." Or he'll just resort to telling me I'm the most miserable person he's ever seen and that I'm never happy about anything, which isn't true. Then we get into a, "That's not true!" and "Yes it is!" back and forth thing til usually I give up and say, "Whatever!" He doesn't understand what he could possibly do to make me feel like I am worth something to him, that I am worthy of his love...he continually comes up with quips or other opportunities to say or point out how lucky I am to have him...maybe I should just become a Stepford Wife that does nothing but compliment him and tell him how great and manly he is non-stop?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

stillme4you said:


> I have discussed these things with him, and he usually resorts to blaming me. You know, "This isn't my problem, it's yours and you're going to have to figure out how to deal with it." or something like, "It isn't my job to make you feel worthy." Or he'll just resort to telling me I'm the most miserable person he's ever seen and that I'm never happy about anything, which isn't true. Then we get into a, "That's not true!" and "Yes it is!" back and forth thing til usually I give up and say, "Whatever!" He doesn't understand what he could possibly do to make me feel like I am worth something to him, that I am worthy of his love...he continually comes up with quips or other opportunities to say or point out how lucky I am to have him...maybe I should just become a Stepford Wife that does nothing but compliment him and tell him how great and manly he is non-stop?


My wife is the same way. She is much more involved in her friends than me and she really doesn't get why this is a problem. I tried to lead by positive example, always showing interest in her and putting her first. But this did not work. So now I share with her exactly what I expect. She doesn't like it but I make sure she gets the point.

In order to avoid the dysfunctional communication patterns you are describing, we need to be very careful how we present things. Just say "I am your wife and I expect to be the most important person in your life. I expect you to make sure that I know this, no need for guessing. It makes me sad when this doesn't happen." You can imaging how much flak I get when I say this. But I don't go off message and I don't respond to whatever she says. The next day I say and do exactly the same thing. Little by little it has had an effect. Just yesterday she ended a call with her friend when she saw I was leaving for work.


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