# Really depressed...



## CJ1978 (Sep 1, 2010)

Hi everyone, I am new here, and just kinda lost I guess... I don't like to talk about my issues with my family nor my friends.
This is gonna be real long....sorry...

I've been with my husband for 10 years, and it's been really rocky. 
It would take up way too much time to explain everything, but basically he's just not a very nice person, and gets mad so easily. 
I have been a stay at home mom for 4 years now, he didn't want me to work until our youngest daughter started school - next year. But I do odd jobs that pay decently but I only do them now and then. EVERY time I get $$ he hounds me to death about it. I need this, I need that, etc. etc. Yeah I know we have bills to pay. He says I spend the $$ on myself all the time. Uh...no. I think if I did that I'd have a closet full of nice clothes for every season, and lots of other things I wish i had a little $$ for. When I get $$ I get things we need, if my kids <we have 3 kids> need clothes, socks, underwear/panties - I make sure they have it. I spend the rest on groceries so my husband doesn't have to foot that bill and gas. 

Recently he lost his job <they closed>, and the new job only pays half of what he was making. So I know we have it rough right now. 
I recently got a payment for a job I did, and decided to start a bank account of my own, so I don't have to depend on him for cashing my checks, etc. Plus I want to get a job, and I'm ready to try and have my own account again. Nothing wrong with that.
So I deposited my check, and it's KILLING HIM. He thought he was taking it all and I was only getting a tiny bit of it! 
I asked him which bills need to be paid, and he was running off this little list. I have no problem paying the Insurance on our home and cars. BUT, he wants me to pay his cell phone, and he has it set up where he shares with his brother so the bill is $100 a month - he pays every other month, his brother pays the other months. So, he said it's his turn to pay.
I told him since he is working days that I need a phone, and he told me he'd check on getting an additional line which should be cheaper than a pay as you go phone. 
Well, he wanted to argue about that this evening because I wanted to go talk to them about getting it going. I NEED a phone BADLY. The way our home phone is set up, it charges $.10 a minute, PLUS I'll be doing a job in a few weeks and have to have a cell. I use a pay as you go cell when I do these jobs, otherwise I don't keep it on as it' charges $1.00 a day and $.10 a minute for any calls made out of network.

He started harrassing me when he got home from work about wanting $$ for the bills. I told him I'd give him the $$ for the insurance, and kept asking about the phone.... He said he needed $20 for gas....and I was going to give it to him in the bill $$... But he became so very mean like the devil crawled up his a$$ and he started saying he didn't want the $$, and said he was going to his brothers house and didn't want me to go, etc. 
It's just really ridiculous. He tries to punish me all the time if I don't do exactly what he wants. Like I am some kind of child 'beneath him' and he has the right to punish me - as in not doing things for me that I need <gas $$, $$ for the store, helping me do something, etc.>. 
And he'll start his crap saying that this house is his because he paid for it, etc. Well uh, WHATEVER is all I can say, just because he paid for it doesn't mean it's not 1/2 mine. I take care of this place, I've bought things we needed when I don't even have a real job, I put food on the table with that same $$, and my name is right there on that line next to his. 

I am just so sick of him trying to run over me. 

We almost split up in 2006 because he was being even more mean. I was pregnant with our youngest daughter, and he kept wanting me to have an abortion! Sure he was scared as we had a lot to deal with at that time, but I was NOT doing that. I know he regrets it because our little girl is our world, but I can never forget those times, no matter what. The only thing that saved us was a pregnancy center counselor. And she even told him then, 'Your not God, so get off your pedastool."

He left with the kids to go to his brothers house a little while ago, he was yelling at the kids too, and I cant' stand the way he talks to them.

I've been at the point for the past few weeks where I just don't feel like I love him at all. Hell, he doesn't even turn me on anymore, because of how hateful he has been. I try to explain to him, how can anyone be turned on by the way he acts? In his stubborn way he doesn't see that he is doing anything wrong. I am not perfect, but I am not as hateful as he is. 

I honestly feel we need counseling, as the issues go beyond this too. But we can't afford a marriage counselor, and wouldn't know how to find one for free. 

I am just tired of this, I am tired of not being close to my spouse. I see my friends and family and their spouses are always loving, down to earth, funny, or you know just being themselves. I've never felt that connection with my husband, he is not funny by any means, and not someone you can just have a good laugh with....he's too serious all the time  

Thanks for listening to me ramble. It feels good to at least talk to someone about this as it drives me crazy trying to keep it all inside all the time.


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## togetherinlove (Sep 1, 2010)

im sorry things are so hard right now.try thinking back on the happier days when you were in love and why you married him.try to think of little things you can do to make him happy and apprecite you for what you do.Im sorry but i do not feel married couples should have seperate bank accounts because it causes so many problems and insecurities and reasons for couples to fight.


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