# I wrote an article.



## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I have no idea whether it's any good, but I was considering trying to get it submitted somewhere, some online magazine or something. I'm a writing major, hoping to be an editor or a journalist for online publications, so if this did get sent somewhere like EverydayFeminism or XoJane, it would be a huge accomplishment. Somehow, the order of my points just isn't quite right but I'm happy with the message of the content. It needs work and a bit of critique before I try to send it. What do you think?




> So, you’ve had an affair. You’ve ended it, and have either confessed to your betrayed partner or been caught. The truth is out. It’s early on, only a few weeks out from D-day, and you’ve been reading, posting, and studying everything you can get your hands on about how to help your Betrayed Spouse heal from your affair. There are thousands of books for Betrayed Spouses about surviving their partner’s selfish decision to be unfaithful. There are dozens of books written to Wayward Spouses about what their broken-hearted, shattered, traumatized Betrayed Spouse needs from them right now. You know they need you. You know you’ve done a horrible thing and that you have to change. The following advice will assume you’ve already read these articles.
> 
> In my search through half a dozen books, hundreds of articles, and thousands of forum posts on multiple websites dedicated to recovering from infidelity, I noticed that something was missing. There was a wealth of good advice on how to comfort your Betrayed Spouse, but very little on how to comfort yourself. So many Wayward Spouses, whilst trying to navigate the mess they made, find themselves biting their tongues in a herculean effort not to wail, “But what about ME?!! This hurts ME too, you know!!”
> 
> ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Ella, how about just telling your own story? I think that by itself would make for a very interesting article.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Not a poor attempt.

I believe 4 to be counterproductive and unhealthy.

5 is similar though I believe being able to name your feelings and examine them for the purpose of changing yourself to be beneficial.

8 is silly and similar to 4 in unhealthy or destructive practices but only because of your premise.

A wayward should make sure to take care of themselves and rewards should be given but not for being a basic and decent human being by not being a cheating asshule.

The aforementioned pieces of information still encourage evil and selfish mindsets.

If you have good feelings about betraying, backstabbing and lying you are nowhere near ready or worthy of earning your relationship back that you tossed in the toilet.

A wayward has to look upon evil and selfish actions with disgust not with a feeling of loss and longing.

A wayward needs to absolutely drop the bullshyt relationship they were screwing up everyone's life for and hang onto their marriage with both hands, feet and with teeth sunk in.

Looking at actions that seriously harmed yourself, your spouse and children because of your purely evil and selfish motivations, as something to grieve the loss of is simply demented and of the first order of importance to correct.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jld said:


> Ella, how about just telling your own story? I think that by itself would make for a very interesting article.


I think her story would make a good tv movie!

Pretty intense!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Just had a read through and made some -fairly minor- suggestions which I hope you will not mind. 



> So, you’ve had an affair. You’ve ended it, and have either confessed to your betrayed partner or been caught. The truth is out. It’s early on, only a few weeks out from *D-day, and you’ve been reading, posting, and studying everything you can get your hands on about how to help your Betrayed Spouse heal from your affair.
> 
> There are thousands of books for Betrayed Spouses about surviving their partner’s selfish decision to be unfaithful. There are dozens of books written to Wayward Spouses about what their broken-hearted, shattered, traumatized Betrayed Spouse needs from them right now. You know they need you. You know you’ve done a horrible thing and that you have to change. The following advice will assume you’ve already read these articles.
> 
> ...


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I have to admit the notion of a self care guide for cheating spouses (or cheating spouses in R), just seems ...... sort of.....I can't think of perfect word. "Undeserved" would be the closest I suppose.

But perhaps it's needed. I'm glad you recommended that all this should be introspection and kept from the BS. Because it should be.

I might suggest another section though: 

Celebrate the BS's progress in healing as your success. As you watch him or her recover from the pain you caused; be able to tell yourself that you were integral in that process; the way you acted and spoke, the way you demonstrated genuine, unconditional remorse - and hopefully, that will help you recover as well.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Not a poor attempt.
> 
> I believe 4 to be counterproductive and unhealthy.
> 
> ...


I understand that, but chances are pretty good that people won't be able to just turn off their emotions. They have to go through them first. With my AP, I both my husband and I didn't admit it was an affair until 2 years after I confessed and went NC. But I did go through a phase for a few weeks, before the people in the intensive outpatient program I was in convinced me he was abusive, where I missed the OM. At that time in my life, simply commanding me to stop missing him wouldn't have worked. What did work was to praise myself for learning to live without him, and contrasting the things he said to me/about me with the truth. For example, "_He said I'd die if I ever left him, but I haven't seen him in three weeks and I'm still around! Maybe other things he said were lies, too. Was he also lying about my husband wanting to leave me?_" starting to deconstruct everything he said. 

You won't convince somebody who is, for good or ill, in an emotional maelstrom, by scolding them. It'll only make them withdraw into themselves.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I understand that, but chances are pretty good that people won't be able to just turn off their emotions. They have to go through them first. With my AP, I both my husband and I didn't admit it was an affair until 2 years after I confessed and went NC. But I did go through a phase for a few weeks, before the people in the intensive outpatient program I was in convinced me he was abusive, where I missed the OM. At that time in my life, simply commanding me to stop missing him wouldn't have worked. What did work was to praise myself for learning to live without him, and contrasting the things he said to me/about me with the truth. For example, "_He said I'd die if I ever left him, but I haven't seen him in three weeks and I'm still around! Maybe other things he said were lies, too. Was he also lying about my husband wanting to leave me?_" starting to deconstruct everything he said.
> 
> You won't convince somebody who is, for good or ill, in an emotional maelstrom, by scolding them. It'll only make them withdraw into themselves.


Your situation was a bit more unique than the average infidelity so I understand the need to detox the brainwashing lies out.

For many other marriages, there is a small window for a Wayward to wake up to the fact that their family is laying on the floor with knife wounds and the bloody weapon is still clenched in their hands.

I acknowledge feelings but do not validate them all.

Any feeling of anything but horror and disgust over harming their families is acknowledged but never validated.

It isn't healthy at any level of progress.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Your situation was a bit more unique than the average infidelity so I understand the need to detox the brainwashing lies out.
> 
> For many other marriages, there is a small window for a Wayward to wake up to the fact that their family is laying on the floor with knife wounds and the bloody weapon is still clenched in their hands.
> 
> ...


Validation, as I understand it, isn't labeling a feeling as good or bad. It's just acknowledging that it's there and not dismissing it. You can still admit that acting on a feeling or desire would be a terrible idea, while also validating that the feeling is there and makes sense to that person. 

Validation is, "You miss your mistress because you heard 'your song' on the radio. That makes sense because you were sleeping together for six months. It's natural to miss someone with whom you've had a sexual relationship. But calling her would be a very bad idea because it would further hurt your spouse, whom you promised to love and cherish. You don't want to hurt your wife anymore, so you will be okay if you are uncomfortable and sad for a while."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Validation, as I understand it, isn't labeling a feeling as good or bad. It's just acknowledging that it's there and not dismissing it. You can still admit that acting on a feeling or desire would be a terrible idea, while also validating that the feeling is there and makes sense to that person.
> 
> Validation is, "You miss your mistress because you heard 'your song' on the radio. That makes sense because you were sleeping together for six months. It's natural to miss someone with whom you've had a sexual relationship. But calling her would be a very bad idea because it would further hurt your spouse, whom you promised to love and cherish. You don't want to hurt your wife anymore, so you will be okay if you are uncomfortable and sad for a while."


Not always the case. For several years I could not hear or read my OW's name without feeling sick with guilt.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Not always the case. For several years I could not hear or read my OW's name without feeling sick with guilt.


Yeah, that happens too. Mine started shortly after I admitted to myself that I was a WW. I still get into shame spirals myself. If I can manage to be gentle with myself, though, the above-mentioned gentle style of self-talk can sometimes slow the self-hate down to manageable levels.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Not always the case. For several years I could not hear or read my OW's name without feeling sick with guilt.


Did you ever try to help her, Matt? Or did you figure that staying away from her was the best way to help her?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

jld said:


> Ella, how about just telling your own story? I think that by itself would make for a very interesting article.


This^^^^^^^

I'm no writer...but I do read...when the story is one of an honest explanation of events and hards truths learned through experience, by the author...the sincerity and strength comes through and creates a compelling story that the reader can more readily internalize....the reality of the human experience that we all have...is a shared bond...a oneness. When an author uses that human experience that bond is enhanced and the article, novel, whatever is no longer one way communication....it's a conversation.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Validation, as I understand it, isn't labeling a feeling as good or bad. It's just acknowledging that it's there and not dismissing it. You can still admit that acting on a feeling or desire would be a terrible idea, while also validating that the feeling is there and makes sense to that person.
> 
> Validation is, "You miss your mistress because you heard 'your song' on the radio. That makes sense because you were sleeping together for six months. It's natural to miss someone with whom you've had a sexual relationship. But calling her would be a very bad idea because it would further hurt your spouse, whom you promised to love and cherish. You don't want to hurt your wife anymore, so you will be okay if you are uncomfortable and sad for a while."


I take a far harder and more direct approach and honestly believe what you have posted here to be somewhat counterproductive but experience and results may show you differently than me.

I have seen fantastic results with associating every memory of betrayal with the real world results they bring.

Fvcking others besides your spouse is not romantic, it is not warm, it is vile, self serving, destructive to self and spouse and children and will always be looked at in that light.

This takes some "rewiring" and some people take to it very quickly while others don't.

The ones who are reluctant view murdering their marriage as unpleasant have a greater danger of losing any chance at reconciliation of that marriage.

Infidelity is sewage, not sugar.

Treating poison like anything other than deadly is a misstep in any practice and certainly in my opinion.

Your approach too closely resembles encouraging burn victims suffered their injury through some form of pyrophilia to entertain romantic, good thoughts about embracing the source of their damage, a damage they also inflicted on their spouse and children.

I merely point this out. The patience of a BS is preciously limited especially if the wayward continues to romanticize burning them and their children.

Extremely destructive in my book and never allowed to hide in the dark.

Want to feel grief for losing your AP? I will illustrate the damage you inflicted with your AP on your spouse, children, yourself and even extended family members.

If you can continue to grieve the loss of inflicting serious harm to people you say you love, there are far bigger problems in your mental /emotional makeup than repairing a marriage. 

Association of real damage inflicted has brought romantic feelings about causing that damage into the light and caused those feelings to dissipate and alter to hatred for the AP and the acts of betrayal that harmed them and their families.

This has been my experience observation.

I haven't employed, but have observed tactics like what you are describing and I can't say I am close to happy with the results.

At best, a longer road to healthy individuals, reconciliation or divorce.

At worst, far more damage being inflicted by both Wayward and BS with no individuals ever achieving health including the children.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jld said:


> Did you ever try to help her, Matt? Or did you figure that staying away from her was the best way to help her?


Yes. We had a meeting (she blindsided me after I sent her a letter explaining why I could never see her again) which went about as badly as you can imagine. 

Afterwards her daughter (who we met by chance) explained that her mother had decided to try to get me to leave my wife as she thought that I'd be a good father for her two children. She apologised to us, but my wife hugged her and said she had nothing to apologise for, as she wasn't responsible for what her mother did.

I heard some time later from a mutual acquaintance that she had decided to leave the area and return to her home town with her two children.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Yeah, that happens too. Mine started shortly after I admitted to myself that I was a WW. I still get into shame spirals myself. If I can manage to be gentle with myself, though, the above-mentioned gentle style of self-talk can sometimes slow the self-hate down to manageable levels.


BTW. I agree with this premise. I show things in harsh light but do not allow a subject to be overcome with guilt and darkness which is counterproductive to individual health and the health of the marriage if it is to be preserved.

There needs to be positive and healthy growth.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Yes. We had a meeting (she blindsided me after I sent her a letter explaining why I could never see her again) which went about as badly as you can imagine.
> 
> Afterwards her daughter (who we met by chance) explained that her mother had decided to try to get me to leave my wife as she thought that I'd be a good father for her two children. She apologised to us, but my wife hugged her and said she had nothing to apologise for, as she wasn't responsible for what her mother did.
> 
> I heard some time later from a mutual acquaintance that she had decided to leave the area and return to her home town with her two children.


I hope things went better for her there. Did you give her some money at all? Anything to try to help her?

I understand some people in that situation might be offended by the offer. But it would show good will towards the children, at least imo. We live in a very unjust world, after all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your entire write up assumes that the WS actually feels badly, guilty, etc about their affair. From all I have read, most WS do not feels badly/guilty. Most feel that there was good reason for the affair. 

I can see two scenarios. One being a person who just thinks that what their spouse does not know will not hurt them. These tend to be serial cheaters. Sure they put on a good show if their spouse accidently finds out about their cheating. But in reality they have no remorse for the cheating. They do have remorse for being caught.

The other scenario is someone who feels that they cheated because they were on their way out of the marriage and/or that their spouse does not meet their needs. A lot of affairs fall into this category. I think it was Dr. Harley who said in his book "Surviving an Affair" that the vast majority of the cheaters he's talked to do not really feel sorry about it. Look on the cheating websites. There are thousands of folks who post there who do not feel badly for the cheating. 

Also, only about 50% of all cheaters are ever found out by their spouse.

I'm not sure how you work into your article this pesky detail... that most cheaters are never found out so they never have to deal with this and that most who are found out really don't feel guilt/shame. Maybe by mentioning that the cheaters you are addressing are those who do have negative feelings about their own cheating.




EllaSuaveterre said:


> 1)	*Take time for yourself if at all possible.* If you haven't been kicked out of the marital home, you will need to inform your Betrayed Spouse that you would like to spend X amount of time a week alone, thinking about what you've done. Schedule time in. Mark it on your calendar.
> 
> Most people probably don’t have this much time, but an hour on weekdays, 2-3 days a week, and several hours on Saturday or Sunday is ideal if you can spare it. The fact that you’re asking for time to process will prove to them that you're trying, but you SHOULDN'T spend that time whipping yourself. Use the time to deal with the consequences of your actions, yes, but also to process and honor your emotions, and to relax and have some much-needed downtime.


Also, the amount of time you are suggesting here does not work for most people.

When I have told people that they need to spend 15 hours a week (1-2 hours each week night and 5 hours on the weekend) of quality time with their spouse, they complain that they do not have that kind of time to spend with their spouse. After all they have work, taking care of kids, house, shopping, etc. They don't have that much time to spend in quality time with their spouse.

What you are suggesting is 2-3 hours during the week and 10 hours on the weekend... that's 12-13 hours a week for a person to sit around and mull over their affair and mourn the loss of their affair partner. That's just excessive.

It's more important that they spend quality time with their spouse than spending hours on their own licking their self-inflicted wounds.

I would suggest 1-2 hours a WEEK.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Your entire write up assumes that the WS actually feels badly, guilty, etc about their affair. From all I have read, most WS do not feels badly/guilty. Most feel that there was good reason for the affair.
> 
> I can see two scenarios. One being a person who just thinks that what their spouse does not know will not hurt them. These tend to be serial cheaters. Sure they put on a good show if their spouse accidently finds out about their cheating. But in reality they have no remorse for the cheating. They do have remorse for being caught.
> 
> ...


This is exactly why I wrote this article. The wayward, I think, does need time to lick his or her wounds. Self-inflicted or not, the WS likely has massive amounts of guilt, frustration, grief, shame, self-loathing, confusion, and a mountain of conflicting thoughts to sort through. The article is intended to gently help the wayward deal with these, and is very needed because almost nobody will ever show a wayward spouse empathy, and it's a hundred times harder to heal and change and grow when you feel the whole world hates you. 

Obviously, the more time you have free the better, but I'd say of the free time they do have, 2/3 should be for the BS and 1/3 for themselves. That means if you have 3 hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays to be alone with your BS, then one of those should be spent self-soothing. If you have 10 hours of free time on Saturday, then about 3 of them are for the WS AND the BS to have individual downtime. Surely the betrayed spouse will need time to process his or her trauma alone. TAM would likely encourage them to take an hour a day or so to be alone and self-soothe. Why can't the WS do the same, at the same time?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> This is exactly why I wrote this article. The wayward, I think, does need time to lick his or her wounds. Self-inflicted or not, the WS likely has massive amounts of guilt, frustration, grief, shame, self-loathing, confusion, and a mountain of conflicting thoughts to sort through. The article is intended to gently help the wayward deal with these, and is very needed because almost nobody will ever show a wayward spouse empathy, and it's a hundred times harder to heal and change and grow when you feel the whole world hates you.
> 
> Obviously, the more time you have free the better, but I'd say of the free time they do have, 2/3 should be for the BS and 1/3 for themselves. That means if you have 3 hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays to be alone with your BS, then one of those should be spent self-soothing. If you have 10 hours of free time on Saturday, then about 3 of them are for the WS AND the BS to have individual downtime. Surely the betrayed spouse will need time to process his or her trauma alone. TAM would likely encourage them to take an hour a day or so to be alone and self-soothe. Why can't the WS do the same, at the same time?


I think, realistically, the betrayed is going to have to spend some time comforting the wayward, too. It might be the most humbling and maturing thing they ever do, to look at the other side's pain, in the midst of their own.

The reality is that everyone has feelings. The quicker the couple can face up to that and work through their feelings together at times, the quicker and more profound the healing.

We do not hear it often on TAM, but once in a while a BS will say something very empathetic about their WS. Something along the lines of, "You know, I was not perfect either. I can see how he or she would have felt drawn to that other person. I sure was not meeting his or her needs. I betrayed him or her, too, in my own ways."

I respect so much the BSs who can be that open and honest with us.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jld said:


> I hope things went better for her there. Did you give her some money at all? Anything to try to help her?
> 
> I understand some people in that situation might be offended by the offer. But it would show good will towards the children, at least imo. We live in a very unjust world, after all.


No, because I went no contact.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> No, because I went no contact.


But you met with her once, right? I thought perhaps there might have been a parting offering then.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

jld said:


> I think, realistically, the betrayed is going to have to spend some time comforting the wayward, too. It might be the most humbling and maturing thing they ever do, to look at the other side's pain, in the midst of their own.
> 
> The reality is that everyone has feelings. The quicker the couple can face up to that and work through their feelings together at times, the quicker and more profound the healing.
> 
> ...


Quite possibly, yes, but in the early stages, the betrayed is probably not going to be able to muster much empathy for the wayward, nor that kind of introspection. So for the first year or two, the wayward will probably have to do all the soothing for both of them. An enormous burden to bear. I admit my BH took care of both of our broken hearts in the beginning because I had my own trauma related to the affair- which I didn't even recognize as unfaithfulness until 2 years or more later.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Quite possibly, yes ,but in the early stages the betrayed is probably not going to be able to muster much empathy for the wayward, nor that kind of introspection. So for the first year or two, the wayward will probably have to do all the soothing for both of them. An enormous burden to bear. I admit *my BH took care of both of our broken hearts in the beginning*, because I hag my own trauma related to the affair- which I didn't even recognize as unfaithfulness until 2 years or more later.


I am really glad he did that. He sounds like a very loving and mature man.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jld said:


> But you met with her once, right? I thought perhaps there might have been a parting offering then.


 @jld This is off topic for this thread.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> @jld This is off topic for this thread.


Sorry about that. Back to you, Ella . . .


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I would have incorporated my own story more into the article, but as mine wasn't quite typical, I wasn't sure how to fit it in. I may just have to write a second article or something. As to the other suggestions, I've edited the article. You can read the changed, italicized, below.



> So, you’ve had an affair. You’ve ended it, and have either confessed to your betrayed partner or been caught. The truth is out. It’s early on, only a few weeks out from D-day, and you’ve been reading, posting, and studying everything you can get your hands on about how to help your Betrayed Spouse heal from your affair. There are thousands of books for Betrayed Spouses about surviving their partner’s selfish decision to be unfaithful. There are dozens of books written to Wayward Spouses about what their broken-hearted, shattered, traumatized Betrayed Spouse needs from them right now. You know they need you. You know you’ve done a horrible thing and that you have to change. The following advice will assume you’ve already read these articles.
> 
> In my search through half a dozen books, hundreds of articles, and thousands of forum posts on multiple websites dedicated to recovering from infidelity, I noticed that something was missing. There was a wealth of good advice on how to comfort your Betrayed Spouse, but very little on how to comfort yourself. So many Wayward Spouses, whilst trying to navigate the mess they made, find themselves biting their tongues in a herculean effort not to wail, “But what about ME?!! This hurts ME too, you know!!”
> 
> ...


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I have no idea whether it's any good, but I was considering trying to get it submitted somewhere, some online magazine or something. I'm a writing major, hoping to be an editor or a journalist for online publications, so if this did get sent somewhere like EverydayFeminism or XoJane, it would be a huge accomplishment. Somehow, the order of my points just isn't quite right but I'm happy with the message of the content. It needs work and a bit of critique before I try to send it. What do you think?


I won't comment too much, as those words belong in the thread I started (RT's Ultimate Affair Plan), but I can tell you that it is encouraging. I will leave a quote from Frank Pittman (Psych, Therapist, Author)




Frank Pittman said:


> The person who has screwed around has kept it secret, has lived behind enemy lines for fear of discovery and has finally had to face his or her own loneliness. The one who has been screwing around shamefully has had less fun and more pain than the one who has been bopping around life as usual. You don't have to punish the person who's been having the affair - the affair is its own punishment. To get into a relationship with someone who followed you home is a terrible embarrassment and keeps you frightened most of the time. The fact that you're behind enemy lines with that person, means that you feel less intimacy with the real people in your life and more with the enemy, because that person who shares your secret knows something about you that no one would accept or tolerate.


As far as publishing, it is an awful process. Good work gets rejected. Bad work gets accepted. The internet is addicted to "lists" and not explanations, but there are places that accept them. If you want to publish, then I applaud your effort. You provide insight from a side that nary is told.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> I won't comment too much, as those words belong in the thread I started (RT's Ultimate Affair Plan), but I can tell you that it is encouraging. I will leave a quote from Frank Pittman (Psych, Therapist, Author)
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Thanks! I like the changes, and I have a good feeling about this one. I don't often brag, so please pardon me, but had I not been banned from SurvivingInfidelity I have the distinct sense that this would be in their Healing Library!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I have no idea whether it's any good, but I was considering trying to get it submitted somewhere, some online magazine or something. I'm a writing major, hoping to be an editor or a journalist for online publications, so if this did get sent somewhere like EverydayFeminism or XoJane, it would be a huge accomplishment. Somehow, the order of my points just isn't quite right but I'm happy with the message of the content. It needs work and a bit of critique before I try to send it. What do you think?


What would you write for your husband to do?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

sokillme said:


> What would you write for your husband to do?


I'm sorry, could you elaborate? I don't quite catch your meaning. This would-be article wasn't written for betrayed spouses; it was written for the guilt-plagued wayward spouse. There are thousands of articles from which betrayed spouses can glean helpful, empathetic advice. Sadly, this one that I've written is the only one I've seen- and I've looked!- that advises WSes in such a gentle, compassionate manner.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I'm sorry, could you elaborate? I don't quite catch your meaning. This would-be article wasn't written for betrayed spouses; it was written for the guilt-plagued wayward spouse. There are thousands of articles from which betrayed spouses can glean helpful, empathetic advice. Sadly, this one that I've written is the only one I've seen- and I've looked!- that advises WSes in such a gentle, compassionate manner.


What would be your recommendations to a BS? I know there are lots of articles what would you say?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

sokillme said:


> What would be your recommendations to a BS? I know there are lots of articles what would you say?


I'd say similar things, actually. Grieve, take plenty of time for yourself, treat yourself gently, go get therapy... I'd also tell them to demand a full timeline of the affair, ask to monitor their whereabouts, their car, their cell phone, their Internet, etc. I'd tell them to prepare to live life without their spouse for the first year or so and to have divorce papers and a plan for a new life at the ready. That they shouldn't use them but as a last resort, but to be prepared.

Why do you ask?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Thanks! I like the changes, and I have a good feeling about this one. I don't often brag, so please pardon me, but had I not been banned from SurvivingInfidelity I have the distinct sense that this would be in their Healing Library!


If you just want it out there, and aren't looking for paid publication, you could go to www.blogger.com and set up a blog there and use your article as the first post.

You could use the url of your blog in your TAM signature.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I do hope that some WS somewhere will read this and feel hope, and comfort. It's a thing seldom given to waywards,I've noticed. Not even to themselves. The article helped me too. If other waywards deserve compassion, so do I.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

You are a real piece of work. So thankful that I don't put up with such melodramatic BS anymore.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

OnTheRocks said:


> You are a real piece of work. So thankful that I don't put up with such melodramatic BS anymore.


Pardon me, but what exactly do you mean? My intentions were not to offend. If you're a Betrayed spouse, I suppose I can understand your hesitations about showing kindness to a Wayward, but I assure you it's sorely needed.

I know it's unusual for someone to be kind to a wayward spouse. Gods do I know it. I spent the better part of the last 3 years struggling with my self-worth even though my husband forgave me ages ago. I am tired of trying to figure out which part of me was abused and which part was the abuser. I am tired of trying to integrate two opposite identities into one person and still be whole. That's why I wrote this.

I thought about the lack of compassion I have towards myself, and I thought about what I'd actually say to another person struggling in the same situation. So I put myself out there and I wrote down the compassionate, gentle advice I'd give to my best friend if she were a Wayward Wife. I incorporated some of the things I learned in therapy, the advice my therapist gave me. The advice I'd give to myself, if I could only lose the shame enough to follow it. How is that bull?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Pardon me, but what exactly do you mean? My intentions were not to offend. If you're a Betrayed spouse, I suppose I can understand your hesitations about showing kindness to a Wayward, but I assure you it's sorely needed.
> 
> I know it's unusual for someone to be kind to a wayward spouse. Gods do I know it. I spent the better part of the last 3 years struggling with my self-worth even though my husband forgave me ages ago. I am tired of trying to figure out which part of me was abused and which part was the abuser. I am tired of trying to integrate two opposite identities into one person and still be whole. That's why I wrote this.
> 
> I thought about the lack of compassion I have towards myself, and I thought about what I'd actually say to another person struggling in the same situation. So I put myself out there and I wrote down the compassionate, gentle advice I'd give to my best friend if she were a Wayward Wife. I incorporated some of the things I learned in therapy, the advice my therapist gave me. The advice I'd give to myself, if I could only lose the shame enough to follow it. How is that bull?


That could make for an interesting thread, Ella. What advice would you give a wayward/betrayed, and why?

Very mature response you gave to the person who made that unkind and unnecessary remark. Sorry you were treated that way.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

jld said:


> That could make for an interesting thread, Ella. What advice would you give a wayward/betrayed, and why?


I'll consider making one. :smile2:


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## destroyd (Feb 20, 2015)

If you are going to publish somewhere for general public consumption you may want to reword, or else explain some of the terms used that could be considered by us to be TAM-speak. After reading on TAM we absorb the acronyms without a second thought. The uninitiated public may not. I remember a learning curve upon discovering the forum.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

destroyd said:


> If you are going to publish somewhere for general public consumption you may want to reword, or else explain some of the terms used that could be considered by us to be TAM-speak. After reading on TAM we absorb the acronyms without a second thought. The uninitiated public may not. I remember a learning curve upon discovering the forum.


Right, of course, I will. I'm also considering re-ordering and merging some of the points.


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## TXDude (Jun 3, 2016)

"and you’ve been reading, posting, and studying everything you can get your hands on about how to help your Betrayed Spouse heal from your affair."


Most WSs do NOT do this.


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