# Husband refuses to leave



## ImperfectMomma

I can't even believe that I'm here. I have been married to my husband for 13 years, together for 18, more than 1/2 of my life. We have 3 children together. We have had a rough couple of years. I found out a few years ago that he was having an EA with a girl from work. He refused to end it and said it was just to help her out, blah blah. He finally did when I took the kids and left for 2 days. After that, things were still rough but no affairs. Fast forward to 2 months ago. My mom has terminal cancer and I am planning her funeral, looking at headstones, talking to lawyers, you know, enjoyable things. I told him I felt like my best friend wasn't here when I needed him because he was pulling away. He said, No, I'm here. He wasn't. On our Anniversary he slept almost all day and before work (he works 3rd shift) he gave me a letter and a kiss and left. The letter basically said how unhappy he was and honestly was a bunch on stuff that he didn't like that I was doing but he could have just talked to me about. So, I fixed everything immediately (just simple things like even though the laundry was washed, dried, folded, it sometimes was still in baskets bc he was asleep so I couldn't put it away and that bothers him, he wants it in his drawers, he didn't like how I did the bills, etc.). Keep in mind that we have huge projects around the house that he will start and never finish and I never bug him about. Anyway, at this point we haven't had sex for 3 months. After the letter, he didn't speak to me for 2 solid weeks. Not one word. Then he went out with a friend one night to play poker and didn't come home till noon the next day....after I called him multilple times and woke him up. Found out the next weekend that not only did that friend not go with him, there was no poker party. The whole thing was a massive, elaborate lie. He even went so far as to give me a $100 bill and told me he won it playing pool. Then when I questioned him on everything he was yelling at me telling me to call these other people if I didn't believe him and that he won it playing pool. Surprise! I don't believe you. Anyway, so every other weekend now he has been going out and not coming home until 4:30 or 6:15 in the morning and tells me he doesn't understand what the problem is. He finally admitted to the MC (which we started after the first night out) that he does this to tick me off and basically it's a game to him (my words). There's a lot more but that's the basis. I don't want to be divorced or even seperated but at this point the MC has tried talking to him along with friends and me. No one is able to get through to him. I have NO idea who this man is. I'm not sure if this is a mid-life crisis or what. He actually said that he works 16 hours a day (no, he doesn't) and has nothing to show for it. Everytime the MC tries to give him a parallel example of his behavior to get through to him it's like he has a Superman personality- like "I'm above all that, I won't/ don't make mistakes other people do". The MC really went after him yesterday several times and told him that every week he expects it's the week that the hubby will finally admit he's having an affair. So, I think he needs a shock to his system and needs to go so that he can clear his mind and realize how good he has it and what he's about to lose and work on us. I asked for a seperation and he ignored me so I packed his bags today. He came home and ate, watched tv and took a nap. So, before the kids came home, I took everything out to the car so they wouldn't see them and he went right behind me and brought them back in. My plan is to take them into his work tomorrow morning and leave them in the car. I think he thinks I'm too weak to follow through or that I'm not serious since I've always allowed him to get away with so much. Any suggestions?


----------



## ImperfectMomma

Okay, so any suggestions as to what I can do to "shock" him to realize that I am serious? The truth is, I want to be married to him till the day I die. I know that sounds stupid with all that he has done and continues to do to me but there it is. I truly feel though that if there is no shock value he won't feel the fire and will refuse to change. Literally, every week gets worse. I can't take the hurt anymore.


----------



## ImperfectMomma

I think I didn't explain myself very well. I am serious about the seperation. Not because I actually want to do it but because I have tried to do everything I know to do and he is still just trying so hard to be mean and angry. I'm not even sure he knows what is wrong but I do think that he needs time to figure it out.


----------



## Hope1964

Read the 180 link. I also think it's your best bet.


----------



## timeforpain

I think that your commitment to stay married to this guy, no matter what, has seriously undermined your ability to take the hard steps needed to make this man take you seriously.

And he probably knows this, so just laughs off your efforts to boot him out.

By the way, I've had my wife pack my bags for me and try to kick me out. And I too refused to go. My reasoning was that I had done nothing wrong (she was the WW) and I worried that my leaving would put me at a disadvantage with respect to custody if the marriage does end.

I don't know if that kind of thinking might be in play here with your husband?! He may be thinking he will end the marriage (or worried that you will) and doesn't want to lose his kids?!


----------



## ImperfectMomma

I have actually done a soft 180 and he basically didn't care. I have tried talking to him and trying to get him to open up and doing everything I know to be the best wife I can and buying him small presents, asking about his day, making special dinners (which he didn't bother to show up for) to the soft 180 where to only speak to him when spoken to, don't ask where he's been for all the hours he's been missing (what's the point anyway, if he lies, I don't know any different anyway), don't make him dinner, don't bother with him at all, do things with the kids by myself, etc. Nothing seems to make an impact with him. Sigh. Timeforpain- I think you're right, he knows I want to stay in our marriage and he knows I rely financially on him so I really believe he thinks I won't really follow through and he can just continue doing what he wants. He's wrong though. I deserve better. No matter how much I want our marriage to work, I don't believe God intends for me to live a life this unhappily.


----------



## deejov

You can also file for divorce.
That might speak louder to him.


----------



## timeforpain

Filing for divorce (or legal separation) might get his attention... MIGHT. It's fairly inexpensive at first: just the initial filing and service, which ImperfectMomma can do herself. But if the H is convinced she's bluffing, he will just blow it off.

Bottom line, once again, is that if H knows she is bluffing he will just call the bluff. If ImperfectMomma wants to keep pushing further down the path to divorce she might either (1) spend a lot of money she doesn't want spent from the marital coffer, or (2) find herself trying to back out when it's almost done and having H say "let's finish this." It's risky.

My opinion: you are either stuck in this bad marriage, or you start convincing yourself you could live with divorce if that's what it takes to get him to take you seriously. It's not a pleasant choice... both suck. But apparently idle threats aren't going to work.


----------



## EleGirl

I doubt that he is staying out late and doing as he pleases to shock you. That’s just some of the typical nonsense that cheaters throw out to take the focus off any suspicion that they are cheating. He’s doing something that he does not want to know about.

Most cheaters are “cake eaters”. They have a loyal spouse at home who is there for them and filling most of their needs. Then they have someone on the side to fill the rest of their needs. This is such a rewarding setup that the cheater will not give it up until they are shocked out of it.

Waiting for him to come clean in counseling is lucrative for the counselor but will seldom get the results you want… the truth. You need to start doing some investigation.

Does he use a computer for things like email, facebook, etc? Do you have access to all of his online accounts? If not you need to get access.
Does he have a cell phone? Is it pass word protected? Can you check messages to see who he’s talking/texting with and what is being texted? Does he talk to someone a lot on the phone while at home?
Were I you, I’d put a keylogger on any computer he uses at home, download all texts from his cell, put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car (use strong Velcro to secure it to a hidden spot in the car) and put a GPS tracker on his vehicle so you can track where he is going. Then go check out where he goes at night. If you can afford it get a PI to follow him.

Once you have evidence of an affair he can no longer play this lying game with you. He can no longer say that you are over reacting, etc. 
You cannot get him out of the family home. He has as much right to be there as you do. So once you have the evidence of his affair, file for divorce. Then sit him down and tell him that you know about the affair… give him enough evidence about it so that he knows you are not bluffing but do not tell him how you got the evidence. And then present him with the divorce papers. Tell him that either he gives up the affair NOW or the divorce goes through. (Remember that a divorce can be drug out for a long time and can be stopped at any time before it’s final.)

Now you will have his attention. Just about anything less is you enabling him to carry on an affair (or some other bad behavior) and it you accepting his mistreating you.


----------



## deejov

Awesome advice, EleGirl.

I think he already admitted to her that he is having an affair with a co-worker, if I remember reading that part right.But I'm tired, so I might be confused, again LOL.

Any thoughts on getting a job, planning to be more financially dependent? Are you taking any steps towards this? I ask... because even if you could get him to move out of the house, like you mentioned... you couldn't afford the mortgage.

So maybe another option is to focus on that. 

Because maybe he will leave. Then what will you do? You have to think about that. Make a plan. Get money sorted out. Or is he going to pay you alimony?


----------



## ImperfectMomma

I am actually planning on getting a job. I have my own side business but it doesn't bring in much money so I want to get a full time job after the summer is over. This is mainly because I can't count on him at all to watch the kids and most of my paycheck would go towards childcare for 3 kids. I just had a talk with a friend today and found out that another night that he went out with friends and didn't come home until 4:30 in the morning, he wasn't out with them at all either. Sigh. The worst part is, I check his cell phone records and I don't see anything suspicious (he keeps his phone glued to him at ALL times) and he doesn't use the computer often and when he does he logs into Explorer which doesn't have a history that I can find. He has a Droid so he can do everything on there anyway and since I can't get ahold of it, it doesn't do me any good.


----------



## tacoma

Momma,

You need to get some hard evidence he can`t deny.

You can`t make him leave, you can only leave yourself.


----------



## ImperfectMomma

Oh, and also, we live in Pa so we don't have to have a "legal separation" and he would have to pay child support and alimony and in addition to that (really, really hate this part) since my Mom is doing so badly, when she passes, I get an inheritance which would probably pay the remainder of the mortgage each month. Honestly, I haven't looked into figures so I don't know exactly. I really hate being here.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Until you have the money to leave:

*Who has access to the bank accounts? You? Him? Both?
*Would the person you and the kids stayed with for 2 days when you left be willing to watch the kids THIS SUMMER ONLY for a reduced rate while you get a paying job?
*As soon as the school-year ends, can you re-shuffle the kids around in their bedrooms (double them up) so YOU can get one of the kid's bedrooms as YOUR NEW bedroom?
*If you need to stay in the home and H refuses to move, REFUSE to do ANYTHING else for him. His bed is not made. His clothes are not washed. His clothes are not ironed. His meals are not cooked. His groceries are not bought. If he runs out of shave cream/toothpaste/deodorant HE can run to the store and get more. You do not have ANY conversation with him that involves ANYTHING other than the children. If the bills are in HIS name only, you do not pay them. He can sit down and pay them himself. Spend 100% of your time and your efforts on you and the children ONLY.
*Have you contacted Legal Aid (in the yellow pages) for information on filing for divorce in your state? They offer free or reduced-price legal advice.
*The VAR and GPS are your best low-cost solutions for catching him cheating.
*Is there a particular room in the house where he makes phone calls? Bedroom? Garage? Carport? If so, set up a VAR there as well.


----------



## ImperfectMomma

We both have access to all accounts. Both of our names are on everything that we own. As far as having separate bedrooms, it's doable but I'm not sure necessary except on weekends because we don't ever sleep together during the week because of his work schedule. I do think the VAR is a good idea. He doesn't really talk to anyone on the phone. Like I mentioned, phone records aren't showing anything suspicious unless of course he's talking to a girl but has her listed under someone else's name which is a possibility. As far a daycare, I'm sure I could figure something out if I had to but my other concern is my mom. I don't want to have any regrets and I try to make sure I am able to do anything she asks, any time she asks because I really don't know how much time she has left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

It's possible he has another phone and the bill goes to the office, or it's a pay-as-you-go phone.


----------



## ImperfectMomma

Ive thought of that. If he has one I obviously can't track that at all. Sadly, each day my anger is building and building and I'm scared that if this doesn't stop now there will be no fixing anything because I will have no way to restore my love or trust. I just don't understand (and never have) why people have ever cheated on the one person they were supposed to love and protect above all else. Instead, they choose to hurt them in the worst way possible. I don't get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> I just don't understand (and never have) why people have ever cheated on the one person they were supposed to love and protect above all else. Instead, they choose to hurt them in the worst way possible. I don't get it.


And you never will; it is not in YOUR character make-up.

Some people are too selfish to put another person's feelings/needs ahead of their own. Some people are too scared/gutless to CONFRONT their own unhappiness head-on by (a) attempting to fix things through addressing the problem with their SO or seeking counseling or (b) accept that there is no fixing the problem, and therefore divorce is inevitable. They have a million excuses: my religion doesn't believe in divorce (then I'm absolutely POSITIVE it also doesn't condone adultery), I don't want everyone to know our marriage is miserable/a sham/a mistake [false pride] (as though no-one is going to find out about the affair?!?).

Trying to figure out the WHY is an exercise in futility and will suck up your time and energy. Can you figure out why some people are child molesters and abuse children? Can you figure out why some people are scam artists and cheat people for a living? Can you figure out why spree killers randomly kill strangers? No. You just accept that it is a fact; just like some people cheat on their SOs.


----------



## mompres

Don't get the seperation unless you are prepared to go through with the divorce. It's not something to do lightly or just for the shock value. He may be fine with it and want to end things. Just be prepared.


----------

