# Infidelity vs constant lying



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

If you had to choose between your partner cheating on you, but being honest and confessing, or your partner not cheating but continually being dishonest so you don't know what to think or believe, what would you choose?

It seems like a dumb question, but I am honestly finding myself in camp A right now... 

My H is a sex addict, and although he is not always acting out, he is sometimes not sober and can break down trust with just continual constant lying about all kinds of stupid ****.

He has looked at porn from time to time during our marriage. The last time was several months over the course of last year, and at that time, i found out he looked up the roster of a local brothel.

HE said he didn't go to the brothel and my gut believes him about that, but from time to time he starts up with the lies again, about all kinds of stupid **** and I am just so weary... i can't even try to talk to him becaues he just heaps lies upon more lies and i don't want to hear his bs...


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> If you had to choose between your partner cheating on you, but being honest and confessing, or your partner not cheating but continually being dishonest so you don't know what to think or believe, what would you choose?



Neither.... both are form of abuse and aren't acceptable in any kind of committed relationship.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

QuietSoul said:


> If you had to choose between your partner cheating on you, but being honest and confessing, or your partner not cheating but continually being dishonest so you don't know what to think or believe, what would you choose?
> 
> It seems like a dumb question, but I am honestly finding myself in camp A right now...
> 
> ...


Feel bad for you having a husband that lies

I watch porn from time to time and very occasionally my wife if it has half a story to it..

But lying about anything is really not healthy to your partner as all your doing is judging what you want him/her to know about

Has he always lied to you or has it got worse or are you really only finding out what he is like now ?




> Neither.... both are form of abuse and aren't acceptable in any kind of committed relationship.


Adriana is spot on


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I would choose none of this. I never cheated on my Lady and never lied to her and I want the same from her. 

If she is not ready to work with me,then she can go and look for another man who will be alright with those things.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

QuietSoul said:


> If you had to choose between your partner cheating on you, but being honest and confessing, or your partner not cheating but continually being dishonest so you don't know what to think or believe, what would you choose?
> 
> It seems like a dumb question, but I am honestly finding myself in camp A right now...
> 
> ...


Well, as someone who actually got total honesty regarding my wife's affair, _"Matt, I know this isn't fair on you and it's nothing you have done, but I am going to have an affair. But please know that I do love you and I will come back to you."_ and having seen the heartache caused to people who accidentally found out about their spouse's infidelity, you know, on balance I think I'd go for the total honesty route.

Yeah, I know, I know. 

What happened to me was bad enough but having one of your children tell you mom/dad is having an affair, receiving a video of their cheating or coming home from work unexpectedly and finding husband or wife making the beast with two backs with another person, that has got to be much worse, I would think?:scratchhead:


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I'd much rather have honesty. Not even a question. That doesn't mean I'd stay married to the honest cheater, though. That's a whole different question.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

adriana said:


> Neither.... both are form of abuse and aren't acceptable in any kind of committed relationship.





MattMatt said:


> Well, as someone who actually got total honesty regarding my wife's affair, _"Matt, I know this isn't fair on you and it's nothing you have done, but I am going to have an affair. But please know that I do love you and I will come back to you."_ and having seen the heartache caused to people who accidentally found out about their spouse's infidelity, you know, on balance I think I'd go for the total honesty route.
> 
> Yeah, I know, I know.
> 
> What happened to me was bad enough but having one of your children tell you mom/dad is having an affair, receiving a video of their cheating or coming home from work unexpectedly and finding husband or wife making the beast with two backs with another person, that has got to be much worse, I would think?:scratchhead:


I think i agree with mattmatt. If a choice must be made, than honesty. I see many people here suffer with the unknowable, no closure of suspected infidelity. If you have honesty, you can move on within the relationship or move on from it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

This is not a marriage.

Marriage requires TRUST. You have none, as far as he is concerned.

Spare yourself decades of agony as he spins his tales, weaves his web of lies.

File for divorce. Pronto.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

My sons Mother came out and said, from outa the blue no doubt, she's moving on, don't bother trying, just deal with it.....

My Ex Wife lied for the better part of a decade and I will never have a sense of closure....

I prefer the former.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

in my book, infidelity is much worse although they both brake trust in a marriage which is really the foundation of the marriage. If he's lying to the point it's getting exhausting for you it's time to really conside wether you want to take much more of this. On the other hand, I have said more times than I can remember here that couples these days don't want to work through problems and would rather call it quits before trying to work through problems. I would would have a really serious talk with your husband about his lying and how weary it's made you and how it could lead to the end of the marriage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would rather honesty. I would leave but would appreciate a straight shooter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'd put myself in camp C.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Well, as someone who actually got total honesty regarding my wife's affair, _"Matt, I know this isn't fair on you and it's nothing you have done, but I am going to have an affair. But please know that I do love you and I will come back to you."_ and having seen the heartache caused to people who accidentally found out about their spouse's infidelity, you know, on balance I think I'd go for the total honesty route.
> 
> Yeah, I know, I know.
> 
> What happened to me was bad enough but having one of your children tell you mom/dad is having an affair, receiving a video of their cheating or coming home from work unexpectedly and finding husband or wife making the beast with two backs with another person, that has got to be much worse, I would think?:scratchhead:


Matt. You come off like the world's biggest doormat and your wife the most entitled and delusional cheater.


She didn't even cheat. She turned you into a cuckold.

I guess she read you correctly. You absolutely put up with her behavior and climbed back into bed with her after OM was done filling her, or had his fill of her.

Don't even refer to your RA. What the hell consequences did you ever give her for her behavior?

If there were no major life changing repercussions I suspect rug sweeping and just hoping it doesn't happen again.

Your situation seems pathetically unhealthy.

I like you Matt but you must admit there seems to be little to no resolution or reformation to your tale.

Don't bring up aspie issues or how much she loves you.

Love never behaves as damn selfish and self absorbed and Goddamned arrogant as your entitled wife.

She just assumed you wouldn't mind cleaning up after another man was done with her.

WOW! You simply have to have self esteem issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> My H is a sex addict


This is YOUR problem! You excuse his POS behavior with a phantom diagnosis. Hold HIM accountable. Sex addict?!? BVLLSH!T!!! He's selfish, a liar and a cheat. His problem is IMMORALITY not sex. He simple doesn't love or respect you enough not to cheat on you, period. NO ONE looks up the address of a wh0re house without having cheated before. That's like going from coffee to crack cocaine. Wake up lady, dump this LOSER and find someone who actually cares about you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'd choose A. Then, divorce them.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Well, as someone who actually got total honesty regarding my wife's affair, _"Matt, I know this isn't fair on you and it's nothing you have done, but I am going to have an affair. But please know that I do love you and I will come back to you."_ and having seen the heartache caused to people who accidentally found out about their spouse's infidelity, you know, on balance I think I'd go for the total honesty route.
> 
> Yeah, I know, I know.
> 
> What happened to me was bad enough but *having one of your children tell you mom/dad is having an affair, receiving a video of their cheating or coming home from work unexpectedly and finding husband or wife making the beast with two backs with another person*, that has got to be much worse, I would think?:scratchhead:



MattMatt, I'm sorry but what your wife has done falls into the same category and many, including me, would actually argue that it was even worse.... much worse.


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

A- cheat and then confess..... 

Can't handle lies... I would rather someone be completely honest. 
It would be much easier to trust the person who was always honest, not the lying sneaky one who you can't trust ever.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

adriana said:


> MattMatt, I'm sorry but what your wife has done falls into the same category and many, including me, would actually argue that it was even worse.... much worse.


But she never lied.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Boom boom


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm sorry, but I would suspect that he is a cheater who is also lying. You think he is a SA who has not cheated? A man who you caught looking up a brothel? That is no doubt the tip of the iceberg. Why are you convinced he hasn't cheated?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

There was a couple about to embark upon the journey of marriage. During a conversation involving their dedication the man declared that he would be a fine husband. He stated, emphatically, that he never drank, never smoked, never looked at other women. He further stated that he was slow to anger, always considered others points of view, was conscientious with money and had read numerous books on parenting. He then said I have but one small flaw in my otherwise pristine character.....I lie.


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## Romango (Feb 20, 2016)

I would rather have honesty. That old saying "what he/she doesn't know, can't hurt 'em" has a lot to answer for in my book. My fiance was cheated on in her previous relationship and she never found out about the fact until after they had broken up. Instead of picking herself up and moving on, she had to process the fact that her man had lied to her throughout their relationship and suffered a massive loss in self-confidence as a result. 

Cheating in any way, shape or form is damaging. And what a person intends to be a secret doesn't always remain that way.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

If you're lying to me you're assuming I'm blind or stupid....

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> QuietSoul said:
> 
> 
> > My H is a sex addict
> ...


BetrayedDad, would appreciate if you could suspend your personal judgment of ny situation and stay on track with the conversation. Thx


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