# Worried he's cheating :(



## Anne1978 (Nov 26, 2014)

I need some advice. I've been cheated on in past relationships and now am worried that my husband may be cheating. He's just been distant and I felt like something was off. I looked through his cell phone while he was sleeping, which I have never done before. I found out that he has been calling this girl every day for the past few weeks. I know her since we live in a small town and she knows that he is married and has two kids. She has recently divorced and also has one child. She sent him a text asking him to have a drink with her, which was later deleted from his phone. Sometimes she calls him, but most of the time its outgoing calls to her usually once a day or every other day. I don't know what to do, we've been married for 10 years and I would be heartbroken if he was cheating one me. I just need some advice. Should I confront him? How? What reasons will I give for looking through his phone? I have no other evidence of suspicious behavious besides the calls he's been making to her...I just don't know what to do...


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Anne1978 said:


> I need some advice. I've been cheated on in past relationships and now am worried that my husband may be cheating. He's just been distant and I felt like something was off. I looked through his cell phone while he was sleeping, which I have never done before. I found out that he has been calling this girl every day for the past few weeks. I know her since we live in a small town and she knows that he is married and has two kids. She has recently divorced and also has one child. She sent him a text asking him to have a drink with her, which was later deleted from his phone. Sometimes she calls him, but most of the time its outgoing calls to her usually once a day or every other day. I don't know what to do, we've been married for 10 years and I would be heartbroken if he was cheating one me. I just need some advice. Should I confront him? How? What reasons will I give for looking through his phone? *I have no other evidence of suspicious behavious besides the calls he's been making to her..*.I just don't know what to do...


I think you should wait until you gather more evidence.

Can you get a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) and put it in his car? I have never used one, but lots of folks here have and can give you advice. @Bananapeel just did it, for one.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think most people would advise you to wait until you have definite proof before confronting him, because otherwise he'll turn it around on you and make you doubt yourself, make you sound like a jealous freak. That said, you probably know already how all that goes down since you've been through this before.

Your gut is telling you this is happening, plus, the calls and text msg you found pretty much confirm it, so while you gather your proof, mull it over. Think it all through, you don't have to rush into doing anything without a proper plan in place.


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## Anne1978 (Nov 26, 2014)

Unfortunately I am not able to get a VAR...I forgot to mention that he's started shaving his private area a few months ago, which he has never done and that was a little bit of a shock after 10 years...I just feel so confused


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I saw your post from Nov last year, and in that you said he threatened "he will find someone else if I don't fulfill his need".

I've posted about sexless marriages in the past, since I've been through that, but to increase sex you sort of need a marriage that's worth the effort. To be honest, he's not really a part of your life if things haven't improved since your last post. If he wasn't your husband, would he even be classified as a friend? If not, what are you doing?


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## Anne1978 (Nov 26, 2014)

Since my last post, we talked things through. We have improved our sex life and do make love more frequently (2-3 times per week). He was home more often and helped with the kids more compared to before. Things were getting better and we were both putting in an effort to save our marriage...until recently when I started getting this feeling of something just not being right. We still have sex a few times a week and he spends more time with the kids. But the whole thing with him starting to shave areas he never has before and all these calls to this girl and deleting texts. Sometimes I think I'm crazy, and I dont even know what evidence I could gather that would make him not able to deny it all


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Just a guy sticking his nose in but I think something is definitely amiss. No man suddenly starts shaving like that unless it's for someone- and that someone isn't you, sad to say.

As to a VAR, you can download a free app on any tablet and some work much better than an expensive store bought VAR. 

But here is my bottom line thought...

Yes, it would be better to gather more evidence and have a smoking gun. But why? The texts, the shaving, his recent distancing himself from you emotionally... Were it me (of course, speaking as a guy) I'd just say to him, "Look, I can gather more evidence, but will you just be a man about things and tell me your having sex with XXXXX so we can wrap up our failing marriage? Or do you plan on continuing to lie to me?" And then either leave or kick him out. I mean, he asked for more sex under the threat of betraying you (which is a totally shameless thing to do), got his sex and is still betraying you. That and that alone tells you who he really is. 

So why continue to torture yourself?


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## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

Confronting will be a mistake, he won't admit to anything, all it will do is make him more careful to hide his tracks.

Why can't you get a VAR? It's the only way you're going to find out the answers to the most important question you may ever ask.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@Anne1978, what kind of cell phone does your husband use? What kind of cell phone do you use? Do you have -- or can you get -- access to a detailed phone bill showing calls/SMS texts? Or have you done that already...?

Also, what's keeping you from getting a VAR? Is it due to financial reasons? Or is it that you're uncomfortable w/ the idea of using one...?

No judgement... just curious.


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## Anne1978 (Nov 26, 2014)

Cant get a VAR for financial reason, he's the only one working and we have two kids. I have an LG, not sure what model, but its a smart phone. He has two phones, one is an LG and the other is a blackberry that he uses for work. The work phone is the one i found everything on.


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## Anne1978 (Nov 26, 2014)

Detailed phone bills are also not an option since both his phones are pay as you go


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Anne1978 said:


> Cant get a VAR for financial reason, he's the only one working and we have two kids. I have an LG, not sure what model, but its a smart phone. He has two phones, one is an LG and *the other is a blackberry that he uses for work. The work phone is the one i found everything on.*


F*ck.



Anne1978 said:


> Detailed phone bills are also not an option since both his phones are pay as you go


F#CK.

I hate to say it, but a VAR seems like your best bet.


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## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

Anne1978 said:


> Cant get a VAR for financial reason


A quick Ebay search shows VARs for as low as $18.99

Are you seriously saying you can't shell out under $20 for something that could literally save your life???


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## Anne1978 (Nov 26, 2014)

I live in Bosnia, have no drivers license or anyone to watch my kids. The closest place i could maybe buy something like that is an hour away since i dont have a credit card to buy it online...so yea, that would be a little difficult for me to get a hold of


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## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

Sorry to hear that. 

I could see why Bosnia would be a tough place to buy such an item.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Would it be possible to reach out to friends or family to get one? Maybe someone you could take into your confidence that you trust?


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

So many people tell you to wait when your worried about things like this, the thing is its easier said than done when you have doubts:frown2:, I am the sort of person that would just have to say something as it would eat me up.

When you've been hurt in the past its horrible, but you know the signs. Like you say what your guts being telling you, hes been cheating and you have looked for signs found whats on the phone. He rings her twice a day and shes messaged him asking to go out for drinks.

Most of all the pubic hair bit is the MOST worrying part, you know your husband hes not done anything like that in the 10 years you have been with him, I these actions speak louder than words.

As for the phone if he did ask i would tell him the truth, you did not trust him so you looked, I would.

If i am honest it really does not look good for him.


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## Anne1978 (Nov 26, 2014)

melw74 said:


> So many people tell you to wait when your worried about things like this, the thing is its easier said than done when you have doubts
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I feel the same way and it has been eating me up for the past two weeks. I don't think I can be quiet anymore, cause if I do, I think I'm just gonna lose it. I mean 14 calls to her in the past 20 days, the message from her, the fact that he deleted that message, the sudden shaving, staying longer after work most days...it all adds up to only one thing...I'm probably gonna end up just asking him wtf is going on and tell him the truth about why I looked through his phone. Thanks to everyone for the advice, I really appreciate it.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Anne1978 said:


> I feel the same way and it has been eating me up for the past two weeks. I don't think I can be quiet anymore, cause if I do, I think I'm just gonna lose it. I mean 14 calls to her in the past 20 days, the message from her, the fact that he deleted that message, the sudden shaving, staying longer after work most days...it all adds up to only one thing...I'm probably gonna end up just asking him wtf is going on and tell him the truth about why I looked through his phone. Thanks to everyone for the advice, I really appreciate it.


Its so bloody hard Anne:crying:. I remember when my ex was cheating. At first i thought he would never do as we had a family, but i was stupid, young, naive. I asked him outright in the end. I stayed quiet, but not for long at all. He just admitted it there and then, not that i had proof just scratch marks on the back and him staying out, but he never denied it:frown2:.... Its hard to sit back and be quiet, and do nothing.

Hmmm yes the deleted message it does sound fishy as well as all the calls hes making, I mean why all the calls if nothing is going on.. Keeping it in does make you think your gonna explode.

I really hope you get the answers you need whatever you do.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Anne1978 said:


> Unfortunately I am not able to get a VAR...I forgot to mention that he's started shaving his private area a few months ago, which he has never done and that was a little bit of a shock after 10 years...I just feel so confused


Could a friend or family member buy a VAR for you? When I started noticing something wrong was within a couple weeks of when my wife started cheating on me. I didn't believe she would ever cheat and bought a VAR to prove to myself I was crazy. I didn't want to spend the money either, but in the grand scheme of things it is a drop in the bucket. My divorce is going to cost me a ton of money and the cost of the VAR is going to be a fraction of a percent of the settlement I am going to be paying out. Sorry you are going through this.


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## Somanylemons (May 2, 2015)

Are there other ways you might be able to find out what is going on? Do you have any mutual friends with this women who might tell you want is happening?

What are you going to do if you can't find out any more information?


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## MaryJane90 (May 24, 2015)

You already know don't you? I've been there. There's no mistaking this feeling. You know something is up. I say screw the "evidence" if he's worth sticking around for, he will be honest when you confront him. I think we all know that won't happen though. You don't need his lying cheating as$ in your life.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Yes, he is cheating on you, with 99+% probability.


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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

Why don't you just explain to him that you can feel that something is off and ask him what it is? Give him a small chance to discuss what might be wrong instead of going off the deep end right away, there is plenty of time to record him or whatever after you give him a chance to explain the feelings you are picking up from him. You do not need to say that you have a good idea that he might be cheating instead just tell him that you are picking up a strange vibe and wonder what it is about. I also would have asked him about the shaving thing right away since it is unusual behavior, but I am curious like that.

You need to do what feels right for you though but before you do anything be sure and have a plan.....what are you going to do if he admits he is cheating? How are you going to handle that? Have a solid plan in your mind before confronting. Do you want him to stop? Do you just want out? Decide these things first. What behavior do you expect from him to save your marriage? Be clear to yourself and to him.


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