# I can't give up



## tombaby

My wife told my on vday ILYBNILWY. Killed me. Said there was some hope, but not much. Scheduled counseling. Had our first session on March 3 and she said afterwards she had hope. was at about 80/20. However we agreed to a separation to figure things out. It made her feel good to have a plan. I then went nuts, begging, pleading, crying, bargaining. I just couldn't leave her alone. Part of that was because she started talking to other people. Guys from Ireland on a dating website. 5 days after counseling (on my bday) I find her texting a new guy she met on one of her nights "Out". She can't stop thinking about him. He's so charming and sexy.... blah blah blah. 

Killed me inside, but she basically told me there is no hope. I showed that to her this week by my constant pushing. And that I'm pushing her into someone else's arms... I know that part isn't true. That is her choice, but it still hurts. Said that at the most crucial time I couldn't stop to think about her feelings and I was just doing what I wanted to.

She tells me that she will always love me. That I was her everything for a long time, but it's different now. She said she still have glimmers of hope that one day we will find each other again. She says that she honestly believes she'll never open her heart to anyone else and fall as deep as she did for me. She has commitment and anxiety issues.

She says that she just can't be bubbly self around me because her anxiety takes over because she thinks I'm going to have a mood swing. It's a fair assessment. I need to fix that part of me.

I still have hope. I love her, we are still going to counseling. I'm hoping the fog will lift eventually, and we can find each other's hearts again. I will never give up. 

I am going to go NC except for counseling and our 4 year old. Maybe it's a bad idea, but she needs that space. She felt good (well somewhat hopeful) about our future when I told her I'd give it to her last week, but then I went all nuts.


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## tombaby

I haven't been doing very well with the no contact. She's done and ready to file. I've pushed her so far that she really wants nothing to do with me and has found a new place to move into in April. She tells me that it's over and I need to accept it.

She called me last night to yell at me because she's overwhelmed with our son and work.... She told me I'm not listening and helping where she wants me to help and that I don't ever want to see our son. Totally not the case. I had him Thursday and Saturday. It's hard because I'm staying at a friends. We had previously agreed to Thur, Sat, and part of Sun. Now she wants it changed because I'm a "deadbeat" dad. Whatever... Fine. She tells me to just listen to her for what she needs help with. I told her fine, but she's not always so clear on why she's upset and what help she needs.

She wants me to stay at the house this weekend with our son because she has class Thursday night. I know she has plans afterwards, but I can't really do anything about it. If she still wants to meet up with these guys there isn't much I can do until the "fog" lifts. I still think it's just EA, but then I have my doubts. I think her morals and guilt would kill her if it ever went Physical. Then again, I never thought she'd have EAs either.

She apologized for being a B last night. I asked her to wait 3 months, live in her new house and if she still wants it, I'll sign the papers. She said no, her mind is made up and it doesn't matter when I sign the papers. She wants an uncontested divorce. Her terms are actually pretty agreeable. She just wants it done. 

She then admitted that going to the lawyer today is upsetting her. I told her to go to the consult but don't sign or file anything. I asked her to wait a month and then we can talk about it again. She agreed. 

I then told her that I would do anything I can to help her out as long as she didn't backdoor me and file. She said "I wouldn't do that to you"

Idk. It makes me feel like maybe... just maybe there is hope. I hope all is not lost. I love her so much.


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## Feelingsadnlonely

Ayayay! I know how you are feeling at this very moment. I also got the ILYBNILWY 2 months ago from my H. He was so closed off and didn't even want to look at me that day. He left our home and moved into an apt. BUT, I do have to say that I have NEVER EVER begged him to come home (as much as I've wanted to). It is very hard to give your spouse that space they are asking for, believe me! It's the most difficult thing to do but I'm doing it. The only contact we have is re: our baby. That's it. I'm telling you to give her space because she may come around. My H seems to be more open now when I see him. He is very willing to go to marriage counseling and he wasn't at first. He would talk about moving forward on his own and now he's changed his tune a little...

I think he's coming around because I'm not on him like the first 2 weeks after he left. I was telling him how much I missed him and loved him but it didn't work. So I just left him ALONE. I let him initiate all contact. Do that and give her space. If she really wanted a divorce and she was done, I think she would have already filed and served you with the paperwork. She may be confused. My H seemed very confused too and I think the space I've given him has helped my situation. We haven't taken any steps backwards and to me, that's a good sign. And do have lots of hope, I do. Do you pray? Ask God to open her heart to you. I really do things will work out for you...


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## tombaby

Quick Update:

She talked to the lawyer this morning. She doesn't want to wait any longer. She started the paperwork. They will not be put on file for 2 weeks, but then we will have 60 days until our divorce is final. 

She called me and talked to me afterwards. She apologized for being angry yesterday. She thinks that we will have a better relationship post divorce. That we can be better parents. I told her I understand, but please don't get angry that I don't give up hope. I don't think I'll ever lose it completely.

She wants to continue counseling because it will make us better parents to our son. She said she's sorry that getting things out in counseling and communicating better makes me think we will have a better relationship together. She agrees it will make things better, but not make her WANT to be with me. She said that she wants us to have a good relationship and that counseling can make us at worst: The best parents possible and at Best maybe we will be together again, but she doesn't want to give me false hope.

I told her that I'm sorry that I'm angry, too. I told her that it was BS that she was trying to say that she was never in love with me. She conceeded that she does love and care about me. And that our relationship was never healthy, but she was in love. I told her that I know she's sad and I can see she's suffering when she says things like "I would have loved you forever." She said I would have. If you would have been that man that I see glimpses of, I'd have continued loving your forever. I said, "You still love him." She started crying and said she couldn't talk to me anymore.

I texted her and said this: If you see that guy, don't run from him. He is the man you will love forever. I promise you I will find him.

She responded with: Ok


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## Dedicated2Her

> I told her that I'm sorry that I'm angry, too. I told her that it was BS that she was trying to say that she was never in love with me. She conceeded that she does love and care about me. And that our relationship was never healthy, but she was in love. I told her that I know she's sad and I can see she's suffering when she says things like "I would have loved you forever." She said I would have. If you would have been that man that I see glimpses of, I'd have continued loving your forever. I said, "You still love him." She started crying and said she couldn't talk to me anymore.
> 
> I texted her and said this: If you see that guy, don't run from him. He is the man you will love forever. I promise you I will find him.
> 
> She responded with: Ok


I have one word for you......."beta". So, so.....beta.


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## tombaby

Thanks. Yeah. I'm sad. I'm "Beta" right now. Not always the case. Her main concern in our marriage was I was selfish. I thought about myself before her. Maybe I was too much Alpha. lol.

I know what you mean though. I've been tripping for a month and NC is so, so hard. I pretty much ruined the only shot I had. I just hope one day we can find each other again. 

It's not just because she's my wife. We fit together. She even still says it, but there are just too many issues. IDK.

Today she said she wants to keep going to counseling because at Worst it will make us better parents for our son, and at BEST (no false hope) we will be together again, one day.


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## Dedicated2Her

> I pretty much ruined the only shot I had.


Nope. You didn't.


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## tombaby

Dedicated2Her said:


> Nope. You didn't.


What do you mean by that? That I never had a shot or there is still hope?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt

You need to get as self suffcient as you can 
You crying and begging is pathetic to her. No woman wants a person who has been spit on to beg, cry, and be so beta. You are not goig to help yourself until you say that I can make it without and mean it.

Your wife is abandoming the family and is very selfish


You need to get sellf sufficient and maintain your self respect. That will give you a whole LOT better chance of winning your wife back. In fact that is so very important for you to do no matter what your wife does. You do not wnat to have so much of your self respect and self esteem wraped up in any woman or person.


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## Stretch

Tom,

If you 180 her ass she won't know what hit her. She is all in the fog over some fantasy that wil crash and burn.

Work on yourself, move on.

She might come back, you probably won't care.

Stretch


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## jack.c

Mr Blunt said:


> You need to get as self suffcient as you can
> You crying and begging is pathetic to her. No woman wants a person who has been spit on to beg, cry, and be so beta. You are not goig to help yourself until you say that I can make it without and mean it.
> 
> Your wife is abandoming the family and is very selfish
> 
> 
> You need to get sellf sufficient and maintain your self respect. That will give you a whole LOT better chance of winning your wife back. In fact that is so very important for you to do no matter what your wife does. You do not wnat to have so much of your self respect and self esteem wraped up in any woman or person.



i dont think it's what he wants to hear..... the sad thing is THAT HE KNOWS IT!

wtf!


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## As'laDain

if i were you, i would let her know just how disgusting of a woman she is being. she is looking for other men instead of working on her MARRIAGE. 

YOU need to realize that what she is doing is absolutely wrong. she is choosing to be a person that NOBODY can even begin to trust. when things arent perfect for her she decides that its a good idea to betray the person she claimed to love? WTF is up with that? 

i know you love your wife, but she isnt thinking about the fact that she is being a piss poor person... 

the ONLY thing that will bring her out of the fog is the realization that she is NOT so damn important that she can just treat people, even her husband, like they dont even matter. 

180 her ass. she needs it. she needs to wake up.


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## U.E. McGill

Here comes the 2x4....

You're a soul sucking vampire. She's running the script on you and your Nice Guying this all over the place. 

You ****ing deserve this ****! Seriously, you're controlling and manipulative and you expect her to not to give you the 180?!? She's not having an affair because she already left!

Every time you tell her "you used to love me. I don't believe you, blah blah blah", she hears you saying "I'm right you're wrong. Just stop and listen to me. Your opinion doesn't count". Every single time you open your mouth you reinforce why she gave you the ILYBINILWY speach. 

Please brother, understand my harshness is for your own good. If- a Big IF you have any chance you need to tell her "I'm sorry. I'm going to walk away and give you your space." Detach your emotional hose and find your center.

Then work in yourself. Go to the NMMNG Forum and tell your story. There's two dysfunctional people in a relationship. Only you can fix your half.

Join a gym. Lift heavy ****. Fix your emotional problems and become a leader of men. Become a great man that is centered and does things with integrity and maybe, she'll see you as genuine and want to be a part if that.


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## As'laDain

U.E. McGill said:


> Here comes the 2x4....
> 
> You're a soul sucking vampire. She's running the script on you and your Nice Guying this all over the place.
> 
> You ****ing deserve this ****! Seriously, you're controlling and manipulative and you expect her to not to give you the 180?!? She's not having an affair because she already left!
> 
> Every time you tell her "you used to love me. I don't believe you, blah blah blah", she hears you saying "I'm right you're wrong. Just stop and listen to me. Your opinion doesn't count". Every single time you open your mouth you reinforce why she gave you the ILYBINILWY speach.
> 
> Please brother, understand my harshness is for your own good. If- a Big IF you have any chance you need to tell her "I'm sorry. I'm going to walk away and give you your space." Detach your emotional hose and find your center.
> 
> Then work in yourself. Go to the NMMNG Forum and tell your story. There's two dysfunctional people in a relationship. Only you can fix your half.
> 
> Join a gym. Lift heavy ****. Fix your emotional problems and become a leader of men. Become a great man that is centered and does things with integrity and maybe, she'll see you as genuine and want to be a part if that.


OP, while i will say that this is harsh, its pretty much true.

you need to stop letting your wife determine how you will feel and what you will do. 

YOU get to determine who you are and how you will feel. if your wife is not on board with the life you want to live, cut her loose. 

you arent coming across as strong. i know you are, cuz ive been in your shoes. you can handle **** that many man just wont deal with. but, taking it doesnt get you the results you want. 

they never will. silently taking horrible treatment tells her that she can do anything and you wont care. 

tell her that it means something to you when she looks outside the marriage. it means that she is not worth YOU.


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## SteveK

tombaby said:


> My wife told my on vday ILYBNILWY. Killed me. Said there was some hope, but not much. Scheduled counseling. Had our first session on March 3 and she said afterwards she had hope. was at about 80/20. However we agreed to a separation to figure things out. It made her feel good to have a plan. I then went nuts, begging, pleading, crying, bargaining. I just couldn't leave her alone. Part of that was because she started talking to other people. Guys from Ireland on a dating website. 5 days after counseling (on my bday) I find her texting a new guy she met on one of her nights "Out". She can't stop thinking about him. He's so charming and sexy.... blah blah blah.
> 
> Killed me inside, but she basically told me there is no hope. I showed that to her this week by my constant pushing. And that I'm pushing her into someone else's arms... I know that part isn't true. That is her choice, but it still hurts. Said that at the most crucial time I couldn't stop to think about her feelings and I was just doing what I wanted to.
> 
> She tells me that she will always love me. That I was her everything for a long time, but it's different now. She said she still have glimmers of hope that one day we will find each other again. She says that she honestly believes she'll never open her heart to anyone else and fall as deep as she did for me. She has commitment and anxiety issues.
> 
> She says that she just can't be bubbly self around me because her anxiety takes over because she thinks I'm going to have a mood swing. It's a fair assessment. I need to fix that part of me.
> 
> I still have hope. I love her, we are still going to counseling. I'm hoping the fog will lift eventually, and we can find each other's hearts again. I will never give up.
> 
> I am going to go NC except for counseling and our 4 year old. Maybe it's a bad idea, but she needs that space. She felt good (well somewhat hopeful) about our future when I told her I'd give it to her last week, but then I went all nuts.


Hey Tombaby

I feel your pain I really do! Read my story it's below my signature.
I kind of messed up and ended up with three threads, but the one in my signature tells the background..

I had a similar situation to you, my final DD was the 12th of February.
If you read my story the go to 

What type of man chases married woman?

You will see a lot of what I have been through.
I am starting to see the light but it really sucks man. Now there are a lot of people on here that care. They may be very very blunt but it's for your own good.
You know what kicked my ass...when the lady's started attacking me..that's what woke me up big time.

Good luck man our thoughts and prayers are with you!


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## BaxJanson

A couple of things stood out to me:

She agreed to the terms of child care, and yet complains that it's too much work for her, and so wants to punish you as a "deadbeat"?

She demands an uncontested divorce - you don't even get a say in that? What she says, goes. Hope she's feeling generous.

She wants to keep going to councelling with you after the divorce? You're plan B, pal. 

Either she's going to go live it up as a single woman even more, and you'll be "Babysitting" your own child while she gads about town, or the life of a single mother will be too much for her, and she'll come running back to you - but with a few rules she needs you to understand, like she needs time out on her own.

Hope you enjoy it - that sounds like a pretty miserable life to me.


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