# Which way is up?



## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Wow how things can change so quickly. A little history first.

Married 18 years together 20. Four children ages 11-15. Our problems started early on with poor communication and controlling issues on my part. These early issues were never resolved and just built up. Around 7-8 years ago we went to MC and again a year later. Things improved some but the poor communication was still there and made things regress to where they are now. 

A few weeks or so ago we talked and decided to divorce. Then we went to possible legal separation and then she said she was going to look into individual counseling. That was last week actually. Since that morning when she said she is going to look into counseling she's reverted back to being cold and distant with me again. At least while we were actively working towards a divorce she was talking to me and being friendly. 

I hugged her two or three times since then but that's it. She just shut down again and pulled away. Today she told me she needs space and the hugging etc. makes her feel trapped and uncomfortable. I sure don't want to come across as needy or desperate. 

This morning I talked to her about it and she said she just feels like we went from divorce to all of the sudden me acting like things are alright again. I explained that was not my intention BUT when she said she was going to counseling I did see that as some hope. Well in her mind, and I knew this, the counseling was intended to help her find out if she can even work on us but she never made an appointment and she said she doesn't know if she will. She said too that with counseling perhaps it would help her to just say what she needs to say even if that's to say "I want to move forward with my life." 

The bottom line is we are back on track for a divorce and I just don't know how to act. After that talk this morning she started acting nice again and talking like there's no problem. She said she doesn't want to send mixed signals but I told her we need to be honest and keep communication open.

What should I do? Should I give up or should I keep hoping? Should I try the 180? Or should I just deal with this and be friendly while working towards the divorce? I'm at a loss for what to do now.

BTW I talked to an attorney a couple weeks ago but she is not talking to an attorney until January when her pre paid legal is available from work. What the hell do I do for three months just wait and hope or should I continue with plans for divorce?


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Sorry that you are seaching here, but I have my $.02 based on my experience.

Your wife is most likely done. Stop hoping and prepare for your divorce. At this point, the 180 is not a bad thing for you. Keep the conversations with your wife stickly about the kids and taking care of financial obligations.

Hopefully you all can separate amiably and without to much issue. I would start to study your states statutes on divorce so that you know what you are getting into. Specifically look at custody, child support, and if your state still has alimony. With your length of marriage and number of kids, you will have to pay attention to the financial side of things closely (no pun intneded).

I would continue with your lawyer after you have studied up on your rights. Determine your plan for custody and separation of assests. Then work your plan. There are some excellent web sites for divorcing Dad's that can help you with your planning. Don't wait for your wife to get a lawyer, be ahead of the game.

In the mean time, start your mental and emotional separation from the marriage. It will take a while and will most likely continue after your actual divorce. Many say it takes a year for every 4 years of marriage to truly work through the end of your marriage. Remember to take care of yourself; go work out, hang out with your friends, see a counselor yourself if you need help working through issues.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

Do you want a divorce or not. Does she want one.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Thank you for the reply. I have been thinking more about the past few days as things went downward. Her distance, being cold and detached. And I think that's been the case for many years. When she's upset she does not talk about it but she shuts down and over the years that has been hurtful, created a lot of anger and resentment on my end. In the end I don't deserve that and while I don't claim to be blame free I do know that there's something about her that is broken in that way.

As for the legalities I have talked to an attorney already but I need to get some more things together like an appraisal on this home, determine my business worth, work on an agreement with my stbx on custody etc. I will get them together and talk to my lawyer as to proceed with things.

I don't want a divorce, she is pushing in that direction, so I can't do anything about that. I need to face things and really I am taking a look at the big picture here. The more I think about it the more I know that this person is not right for me and may never have been right for me. I deserve much more than what she is capable of providing.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If you want divorce, I would continue the process with your lawyer. You can at least get the clock started if you have not done so already.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

I don't want it but I also don't want to sit around here and wait for her pre paid legal to kick in January. Just sit here in limbo pretending things are cool.

I don't understand how someone, in the same hour, can go from cold and distant to laughing and acting like everything is alright. A couple of friends even mentioned the possibility of bipolar? I don't know. I just hope she gets some IC to help with some of her issues but I'm broken concerning all this and am tired.


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

oviid said:


> I don't want it but I also don't want to sit around here and wait for her pre paid legal to kick in January. Just sit here in limbo pretending things are cool.
> 
> I don't understand how someone, in the same hour, can go from cold and distant to laughing and acting like everything is alright. A couple of friends even mentioned the possibility of bipolar? I don't know. I just hope she gets some IC to help with some of her issues but I'm broken concerning all this and am tired.


The limbo thing is awful. Are you still living with her? I am sorry if you said in your post and I somehow missed it...........


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Don't wait.

Her pre-paid legal probably does not cover divorce. I know mine doesn't.

Live your own life on your terms and your schedule.

Good luck friend,
Stretch


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

We are in open enrollment now. Our prepaid legal specifically disallows anything already started before Jan 1. If any divorce papers have been filed, divorce would not be covered.

Our plan provides up to 16 billed hours for divorce, using an atty in their network.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

That's interesting information about the PPL service. I wonder if she knows about that? I don't know how to approach that as far as a question so I don't know. I will continue to do what I need to do and leave it there.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Few things in life are free. If you want to get divorced now and she wants to wait, maybe you should tell her that she should pay all of the legal costs even yours.

Good luck friend I know this really sucks,
Stretch


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