# The high cost of body language blindness



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Up until 5 years ago I didn't typically pay much attention to body language. 

Bob - AFEH - mentioned something about how women communicate differently than men. We used to have this "thing" that would happen every month or two. And I would get really mad and snap at my W when it did. And it was me. I just didn't realize at the time. 

My version:
My W would start describing an event that happened that day. For example:

Wife: I was about to take our DD to the store when I smelled smoke. Turns out our DD was playing with matches in her room. (my blood pressure spikes and I am thinking - OMG did she burn down part of her room?).

If I were telling this story the next sentence would typically be either: She burned x,y,z OR luckily she didn't burn anything of value. 

Actually - because this is related to a core job skill my version of the story would be: Nothing bad actually came of it but DD was playing with matches in her room. 

Her version of the story however diverges at this point. Instead of telling me what happened with the matches, she segues to "We were going grocery shopping because we were out of "LONG GROCERY LIST", and also I wanted to get some stuff for next week "SECOND LONG GROCERY LIST". 

Her viewpoint: Sometimes when I tell MEM a story, he is very impatient, doesn't like the narrative sequence and snaps at me to get to the darn point. That really hurts my feelings. His temper is VERY annoying. 

The truth: She isn't leaving me hanging in those situations. Because if I simply pay attention, I can tell from her tone of voice that DD didn't damage anything of value. So when those situations happen now, I give her a couple minutes (inwardly smiling) and then gently observe "I think you might have mentioned the combination of smoke, matches and a mischevious child at the beginning of this story, a typical listener might be curious as to how that actually played out". 

At which point she smiles, says "Sorry. Of course you want to know that. Luckily she didn't do any damage." 

I used to think I was a good listener. I sure did pay a lot of attention to the words.....


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

My mom and sisters would take the long way around the mountain and take several trails induing so just to get to the point. My Dad and I are like Detective Joe Friday "Just the facts."when I call my sister I have to block a good amount of and use head phones so I don't tire. Ihave to smile, when she relates a conversations she does a slightly different voice for each of the participants - she doesn't just share the jist of the conversation she shares it verbatim. Gotta Love them!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Great story!! In a similar situation, some of my coworkers were laughing a couple of days ago, when they realized that their wives all shared a similar trait of launching into a discussion about something that they had briefly mentioned days ago, but had apparently been ruminating upon since. So, the guy gets a sudden, out of the blue comment like, "So yes, I think we should consider doing it. And while we're at it, lets replace the thingy, too." For several moments, as she continues to talk, he's still trying to remember what 'the thingy' is, and what it was that they had apparently considered. Of course, the context was very positive, joking about very endearing quirks. Its just that their wives were very expressive, almost passionate, yet the husband was completely lost.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think a lot depends on what colour your Alien is, green, red, blue, yellow, orange, purple …. 

But the thing to recognise is these colours aren’t stable in that they don’t stay the same colour for very long, they change depending upon how they “feel”. Alien’s are well capable of being as rational as men. But they have to be in the mood to be that way when it just comes natural to men.

Once it’s recognised and accepted that we live with an Alien that can and will express all the colours of the rainbow (and more) we can really start to enjoy them and the gifts they bring to us and we can help them through when clouds are over their heads.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I do believe that this is one of the biggest divides between men and women, especially in a relationship. Women want to tell us something and it has an emotional connection. We(men) would be happy with the facts. It took me a while to understand that the emotional conversation is important to my wife. It also took me a while learn that while my wife may be telling me about a problem, she is not always asking me to solve it. Sometimes I need to just listen and allow her to arrive at her own conclusion.
Now my 20something niece is a different story. She talks so fast and in such a roundabout way, I can only process about every third word coming out of her mouth. I just nod and smile...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

DanF said:


> I do believe that this is one of the biggest divides between men and women, especially in a relationship. Women want to tell us something and it has an emotional connection. We(men) would be happy with the facts. It took me a while to understand that the emotional conversation is important to my wife. It also took me a while learn that while my wife may be telling me about a problem, she is not always asking me to solve it. Sometimes I need to just listen and allow her to arrive at her own conclusion.
> Now my 20something niece is a different story. She talks so fast and in such a roundabout way, I can only process about every third word coming out of her mouth. I just nod and smile...


It’s a fabulous sign. It demonstrates that she feels very comfortable and safe and secure in your company and that she’s emotionally connected to you.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i swear to you, i realized this about my wife years ago. if you ask her what time it is, she will build you a rolex, i mean she will recite war and peace as an answer to a simple yes or no question. i try, i really really try to be patient while she is talking, but it just gets to the point where i have to gently prod her to get to the point. she has told me in arguments tha i dont listen to her, to which i reply HUH?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

DanF said:


> It also took me a while learn that while my wife may be telling me about a problem, she is not always asking me to solve it. Sometimes I need to just listen and allow her to arrive at her own conclusion.


This one has always tripped me up, it just isn't that easy when someone is telling you a problem and all you can think of when they are going along is solutions to whatever the problem is. To me I always go back to the scene in "White Men Can't Jump" where they are lying in bed and she says she is thirsty, then I realize there is noting I can do about it.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Wife: I was about to take our DD to the store when I smelled smoke....
> 
> Her version of the story however diverges at this point. Instead of telling me what happened with the matches, she segues to "We were going grocery shopping because we were out of "LONG GROCERY LIST", and also I wanted to get some stuff for next week "SECOND LONG GROCERY LIST".


*Exactly* how my beloved wife communicates. The long excursus is her way of telling me that everything was okay, despite the opening remark.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You humans are funny. I have learned to fake human interaction and no one's the wiser. Klaatu Barada Nikto.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm learning to say less and less. I have found far too often that what I say is twisted and used against me.

For example, at one time I was looking for a job and my current SIL was auditioning to join my family. So she told my mother she could help me get an interview at the company she worked for. I received a fax (this was the 90s) from someone I had never met but from a company that I was familiar with. I followed the instructions on the fax that day and ended up with a lunch interview with the local HR director. 

The feel of the interview was very chatty and no specific positions were discussed and I was sent on my way. I mentioned this to my mother and said, I really didn't expect that fax. To which she said, well, next time act more familiar, maybe next time you'll get the job.

An example of the less said, the better.


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