# Relieved at finally finding smoking gun BUT ...



## wiser167 (Dec 30, 2016)

Been married for decades with grown up kids. After a difficult last 5 years of doubts, denials, manipulation, confusion, and constantly second guessing myself concerning suspicions of infidelity, this week I finally saw proof that my H is on a casual sex hook up site. After all his past denials and claims that I am insecure I now know I wasn’t crazy and strangely right now I no longer feel a need to question him and know everything and, although I do feel a little tearful at times, I simply want to end things and move on asap in case he tries to win me round. 

He could well be successful at winning me round because I have no close extended family to support me and few close friends. Although I am terrified at the prospect of being alone, I am somewhat confident that I can make a success of the rest of my life and be happier (in my fifties now but thankfully in good health and younger looking). 

I am Relieved because I no longer need to be constantly wondering if I am overreacting and paranoid. Now that I have something concrete it doesn’t matter to me what his excuses are and I just want to separate and divorce asap and get away from him. 

However a couple of things are impinging on my relief at finally having proof. 

No 1 my H was diagnosed with early stage cancer earlier this year. He has successful had treatment and at his initial check up the doctors were extremely pleased with his progress, and so was I because I do not wish him ill despite all. He is still very well and due another check up in a few weeks and we are expecting him to get another good report. However it just doesn’t feel right for me to say I want to separate from a husband who has cancer, even though he currently on a dating site and has likely been unfaithful on and off throughout our entire marriage. 

I get on well with his family and am proud of the way I have bent over backwards to support him through 3 operations over the last 4 years (only 1 was cancer related). I really hope all will still be well with him on the next checkup as I need to save my sanity and leave and I fear guilt would overwhelm me and I might stay if he did not do well at the next apt. Should I feel guilty about this? What will his family think of me if I divorce him? They don’t know about the years of doubts and the evidence I have found and I really don’t want a lot of drama but at the same time I don’t want to be painted as the bad guy deserting a sick man. Would you stay if the next apt did not go well?

No 2 - how do I live in the same house as him whilst we try and sell it. I simply no longer wish to be around him but at the moment I haven’t yet confronted him about what I have found out. I am past being angry and just want a quiet amicable divorce if there is such a thing. I crave peace and freedom after the way he has denied and denied over the last 5 years (and before).

No 3 - I don’t even feel like I owe him any explanation for why I have now finally decided to divorce. Next week I will arrange to take legal advice so I guess I should at least wait until then before I say anything.

At that point, Is it bad for me to just throw him the woman’s name and leave it at that. I don’t want to waste my breath conversing back and forth with him about it or have to listen to any platitudes or further denials which insult my intelligence. I have made up my mind that I have to separate from him and I’m not holding my breath for a confession although this would be nice coz at least we could part with a tiny bit of respect intact if he were to admit things and show some remorse but this is highly unlikely and anyway I am somewhat weak and don’t want to miss this opportunity to go because the last 5 years have taken a big toll on my emotionally and physical health which I have had to work very hard at to restore. 

I am also past the point of wanting revenge or wanting a revenge affair (which was at the forefront of my mind years ago when my suspicions were first predominant). I just want pain and heartache to be behind me now and to forgive him (for MY sake, not his) and move on with my life without wasting any more time on someone who was given every opportunity to come clean but could never hold his hands up. 

Any thoughts on the above or advice on how to move on cleanly would be very welcome.


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