# just found the proof



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

My H is involved with her. Not "just friends" I scoped her myspace page and found him leaving comments to her telling her he loves her and talking about having sex together.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Pack his stuff up.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

I'm so sorry it came to this, but I'm glad you found what you needed. Take care of you as much as you can.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I am so sorry Apple. You know the truth now. What are you going to do?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I dont know.....I just dont know......


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

this is sad.
i know it hit hard every time i found the proof of my ex. finally just had to let go and get myself completely away from it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Print out the proof and keep it in a safe place.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Make copies, too, just in case. Personally, I'm getting a safety deposit box at a bank neither of us uses to keep the evidence, should I end up needing it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

He's a **** and you are a great and wonderful woman.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Awe damn, I'm sorry girl. At least you arent sitting on the fence anymore about his "just friends" excuse.. now you know that is bullsh*t. So the question is.. what happens for apple next?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

i have made a copy of the proof. i took all his clothes from our room and tossed them into the spare bedroom. i'm calling a lawyer first thing in the morning to see about getting him removed from the house.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> i have made a copy of the proof. i took all his clothes from our room and tossed them into the spare bedroom. i'm calling a lawyer first thing in the morning to see about getting him removed from the house.


dont know about where you are but in tennessee if there is no violence, there is nothing they can do about forcing one or the other out. 
i hope even with everything going on you will not file a false report if there has been none.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^Why would she file a false report?? I dont think she said she was going to and anyway that is irrelevant. Everything she has suspected she just found out is true. 
My advice is to talk tot he lawyer and find out what the deal is. NO MORE SEX WITH HIM, MMMKay?


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

File for legal seperation.. there will be judgement on who gets to stay in the house and what not.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

apple, now I know why you called, I will talk to you tomorrow k?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ^Why would she file a false report?? I dont think she said she was going to and anyway that is irrelevant. Everything she has suspected she just found out is true.
> My advice is to talk tot he lawyer and find out what the deal is. NO MORE SEX WITH HIM, MMMKay?


hey jellybean,
i didnt say she would or thought she might be but my ex did that to get me out so she could carry on with her [email protected] without worrying if in was watching so hmmm, it does happen.

i do agree with everything else here and by lilyana.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ That is dirty that hse did that to you. Yuck.

Yeah apple...he can leave... he wants to have his sidepiece, now he gets to by moving the eff out.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ That is dirty that hse did that to you. Yuck.
> 
> Yeah apple...he can leave... he wants to have his sidepiece, now he gets to by moving the eff out.


completely agree. he should at least be man enough for that.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

girl you will be ok I just tried calling, this rock bottom **** hurts like hell, trust me I have been there at least 4 times.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Sorry I missed your call Paramore. I was in my kitchen saying lots of fowl curse words at a 6 foot tall pile of sh!t. I printed off the proof that I took from her myspace. He admitted to having sex with her but refused to answer any of my other questions. Then he tried to tell me he had lost attraction for me because I got fat. (I have some extra pounds but I am not a cow) Funny how "just a friend" is 2 dress sizes heavier than me but she still looked good to F***.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> completely agree. he should at least be man enough for that.


I'm trying to get him out. I spoke to a lawyer on Monday and the lawyer said a judge would most likely grant me exclusive use of the house on grounds of my husband's extreme emotional abuse on me. Only problem is, lawyers want money and I have none.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I wrote to her. And she wrote me back.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

what did she have to say?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

My letter to her-
I wish you can feel the emotions that have been going on within me after I found out that you have have taken away the one who is mine. (Husband's name) is MY husband.

I am in so much pain and with each relevation of your relationship with (my husband name), the pain becomes deeper and deeper. This is been an utter betrayal of what a marriage is all about.

I wonder, though, if you realize, what you yourself know what you are getting into. If a man is willing to give up his wife of 14 years for what I think is a moment of lust, why would he not do the same to you a few years, a few months or even a few weeks from now.

You have to realize too, that when people see you now in public with (my husband name), they will not see you as the person they use to know. They will see you as the woman who was willing to destroy a family for her own selfish needs.

Can you trade places with me for a day, or even just an hour just to know how much pain you are causing me and my children.

In the days since I found out about you two, I have come to know the sort of person, the moral character, (husband) is. Perhaps you two are of the same kind and deserve each other. I hope you can live with yourself knowing that you are an adultress.

I have nothing more to say.... I am all cried out.

Her response-
have put myself in your shoes. That is why I ended it. I told (my husband name) I did not want to ruin a family. I have told (my husband name) many times that I want to be with (her boyfriend name). I proposed to (boyfriend) in March. I am still fighting to get him back. I have to build a trust back with him.
I did not like what I had become or how my actions had hurt many others. I do not wish this upon you or anyone else. I am so very very sorry. I wish I could go back in time and change things. I really do. I do know how you feel my husband wasnt faithful to me. 
I am very sorry!!! I have said the same things to (my husband name) that you just said to me.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

She's pathetic and shooting words out of her @ss so she doesn't look bad. When the OW contacted me to tell me about the affair before my husband could get home, she was SO SORRY and putting all the blame on my husband. Well, honey, YOU spread your legs! This is exactly what she wrote:

"Look I did something dumb over the weekend. I hung out with (husband's name) and we were just suppose to hang out as friends nothing more and well.. We was at my mom n dads and we were drinking a lot because they were having a party out there, Well me and Trent slept together and when I say slept together you should know wat I mean!! I am sorry but I feel like a wh*re for messing around with a married guy but it just happened.. I felt horrible and I know it is not right at all so thats why I am telling you bc I know he wont..

I am really sorry!!!"

This is BULLSH*t. She was trying to convince my husband to leave his wife and kid. On myspace for weeks later, she was crying and complaining about how she "couldn't lose him". We had to get the police involved with harassment from her and block her number and the whole time she was trying to break us up by telling me how weak I was for keeing him around, and trying to privately tell him to leave us.

She's "sorry"? She'd do it again in a heartbeat! And so would this OW you're dealing with. She's trying to justify her actions and she's trying to tell you that she understands because her husband was unfaithful. If she knew how you felt because she's been through it, then she'd never put anyone else through it too.

Please cut contact with her. Its the best thing you can do.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

I agree. Further contact with her will only cause you pain. Don't get details. It's just as bad as you can imagine. Even if it isn't, use that thought as fuel to drive you. You're in a bad situation with a bad guy. Get out of it and find the life you deserve.
The man you loved and married is dead. Someone else is left in his place. Think of him that way and move on. Again, you deserve better. We all do.
Check with your local women's shelter as well as some of the local counseling places. Some of them have contacts with lawyers who will work pro bono to get you what you need. Not everybody has money, and these people realize that.

Biggest thing, Ducky, is to put yourself first and look out for YOU. You are the most important person in this thing. Keep that in mind.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

castingabout said:


> I agree. Further contact with her will only cause you pain. Don't get details. It's just as bad as you can imagine. Even if it isn't, use that thought as fuel to drive you. You're in a bad situation with a bad guy. Get out of it and find the life you deserve.
> The man you loved and married is dead. Someone else is left in his place. Think of him that way and move on. Again, you deserve better. We all do.
> Check with your local women's shelter as well as some of the local counseling places. Some of them have contacts with lawyers who will work pro bono to get you what you need. Not everybody has money, and these people realize that.
> 
> Biggest thing, Ducky, is to put yourself first and look out for YOU. You are the most important person in this thing. Keep that in mind.


I just wanted the truth. I have an incredible "need to know" I am very good at doing research and I can find out what I need to know. I knew she was more than "just a friend". I set out to find the truth. It took me a few weeks to really dig it all out, but I did it. I like your advice on thinking about the situation as my H being passed. The man I knew and loved is dead and something else walks around in his former body. I'm going to have a funeral for my marriage. I'm going to get a small box and bury my wedding rings. I will say a few words, I will grieve but I will move on. And it will be over.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

You won't get the truth out of her, Apple. You'll never get the truth you need. Even if you watched it all happen on a big screen TV, there will still be questions and no answers for them.

I'm almost a year into healing from my H PA and I still want to know more truth. I can become completely obsessed with wanting to find it at times. I know the OW will never give it to me. I know that even if my H tells me everything, I still won't know it all.

And maybe its that way for our protection. Maybe we can't know all the answers because no one can truly handle the raw truth. What he was thinking, what she was thinking, how it happened, why, when, where and finally, will it ever happen again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Casting is right. Don't contact her again. She is not on your level at all. Don't bring yourself down to hers. Don't give her the pleasure. As for him, axe him. Seriously. You don't need this BS in your life. You gave him many chances and he chooses to not commit to only you. End it.



AppleDucklings said:


> I am very sorry!!! I have said the same things to (my husband name) that you just said to me.


This is BS. If she was SOO sorry she wouldn't have just been at your house in your driveway the other day waiting for your husband! It takes a special kind of loser to do that, to not only sleep w/ a married guy but to GO TO HIS MARITAL HOME and wait for him there while his wife and kids are inside!!!

Do you know her boyfriend? TELL HIM. 

Don't deal with these fools any longer. They can have eachother.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

My job is based around research. I have an associate's law degree. (I am not a licensed attorney, so dont ask me legal advice ) Currently, I work in a library at an Iowa University. When students come in needing help with assignments, I help them do the research. I help them find the answers and I help teach them how to do the research. My skills in research have allowed me to find what I want to know.
You all are right. I do not think she is sorry. She won't stop seeing or talking to my H. She won't go away at all. I have her full confession. Perhaps I shall forward that on to her boyfriend.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I love libraries!

YES - forward her confession to her boyfriend TODAY, right now! along with a note saying you just heard them on the phone together talking about how they are so into eachother. 

DO IT.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

But what if after I send it off to her boyfriend, he dumps her completely and all this only throws her more into my H's arms? I don't want the bastard anymore but I don't want her to have him either.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Oh she may or may not have him, but she already does right now, he'll show his true colors, and then she will be in the position you are right now, hurt, angry, sad, crying, payback is a *****. She'll have put herself in that position, what better revenge is there than revenge that is self inflicted.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> But what if after I send it off to her boyfriend, he dumps her completely and all this only throws her more into my H's arms? I don't want the bastard anymore but I don't want her to have him either.


IF they're ever together it will end miserably for the both of them. Don't worry about what he does, keep your mind on you!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> But what if after I send it off to her boyfriend, he dumps her completely and all this only throws her more into my H's arms?


If they end up together, then all the better for you -- you get rid of this jerk and she gets to have a man who can easily walk out on his family. Lose-lose! 

Also, if he and her get together, then it proves further he wasn't the man for you.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

It just really sucks that you put 15 years of your life into one person and this is all you get in return.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> It just really sucks that you put 15 years of your life into one person and this is all you get in return.


yep. I found the proof in an hidden email account. It was devastating. At least the lying stopped there and then.
She left me and kids. For him.
It really does suck. Sorry.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> It just really sucks that you put 15 years of your life into one person and this is all you get in return.


I'm sure you got more out of than this. Sure, people suck but they're not entirely rotten to the core.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I'm sure you got more out of than this. Sure, people suck but they're not entirely rotten to the core.


Yes, they are. To quote Dr. Cox from Scrubs "people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings."
But, I am also in a very bitter mood today too.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings."
> But, I am also in a very bitter mood today too.


I can do bitter. I may borrow that quote.


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

I just came to this site recently, but I have to say that you're a very brave woman, Apple, even though I know if you could have avoided such a situation you would have. 

I'm about to get married in July and I'm the type of person who feels like I have to plan for every possible situation to feel "okay" about stuff. My FH has never cheated on me and even avoids looking at other women, but I know that doesn't mean he will never ever possibly cheat on me.

Anyways, I just wanted to say that I applaud you're behavior and I'm very happy to see the support you've been getting from this site. 

Here's to a happier and better you!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

FaithHopeLove said:


> I just came to this site recently, but I have to say that you're a very brave woman, Apple, even though I know if you could have avoided such a situation you would have.
> 
> I'm about to get married in July and I'm the type of person who feels like I have to plan for every possible situation to feel "okay" about stuff. My FH has never cheated on me and even avoids looking at other women, but I know that doesn't mean he will never ever possibly cheat on me.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your kind words, but truthfully, I could have avoided this situation. My H and I went thru a divorce before. Though, we never officially divorced, we went thru this all before. In 2003, he left me for OW and we were apart for 2 years. I took him back. I gave him another chance. And now, its 2003 all over again. I never should have given him another chance. I feel so much anger at myself for doing that. Why would I have been so stupid? I am very blessed to have a supportive family and I am very thankful for for all the new friends I have made online. I only wish I could see myself as others do. But honestly, I struggle very hard with my self esteem. I dont see myself as anything worth a spit. And when your H of 14 years tells you "you are fat and you mean nothing to me" those words will play over and over and over again in your head.


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## myhope (Dec 9, 2010)

but, you know what? some day . . . who knows how long from now . . . those words will not hurt so much. the 15 years will be well behind you, and you will honestly be able to tell yourself that you gave the marrage our best shot--you will never have to battle the if-i-only doubts. you gave him another chance. HE is the one who messed it up. you did what you could. i know it hurts, but you are not at fault here. some day that will be important.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I dont see myself as anything worth a spit. And when your H of 14 years tells you "you are fat and you mean nothing to me" those words will play over and over and over again in your head.


Fuuuuck that loser. He's scum. Break something.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Fuuuuck that loser. He's scum. Break something.


I'm trying to be strong. I'm making myself goals that I'm going to focus on. I'm going to finish my bachelor's degree. I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to get a new hair do. I'm going to find a full time job (only working part time right now) I'm going to go out and buy myself something nice. I think that today, I am just "having a moment".


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Thank you for your kind words, but truthfully, I could have avoided this situation. My H and I went thru a divorce before. Though, we never officially divorced, we went thru this all before. In 2003, he left me for OW and we were apart for 2 years. I took him back. I gave him another chance. And now, its 2003 all over again. I never should have given him another chance. I feel so much anger at myself for doing that. Why would I have been so stupid? I am very blessed to have a supportive family and I am very thankful for for all the new friends I have made online. I only wish I could see myself as others do. But honestly, I struggle very hard with my self esteem. I dont see myself as anything worth a spit. And when your H of 14 years tells you "you are fat and you mean nothing to me" those words will play over and over and over again in your head.


You H is the scum of the earth. You gave him another chance and he blew it big time. He does not deserve you. You are worth something. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. You will find someone out there who was made just for you, and treat you like you deserve to be treated. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday you will.

The pain with words will never go away, but they will fade over time and will be easier to ignore.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

A poem I just wrote. I call it "betrayed"
Searching within myself to find the strength to stand
barely beathing, yet alive without a heart beat
the betrayal of the one I called husband
not understanding why he would cheat
not knowing why he would commit this unspeakable act
why he would inflict this hurt
why this attack
all for a flirt
what did I do that was so deserving of this hell
how do I find it in myself to go on another day
how to say fare well
to find a way
why is that love don't always love back
how is that the one you cherish
turns their heart to black
leaving your heart to perish
the empty shell I have become
feeling so lost and alone
numb
away, I have been thrown


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I don't get a cheater's mindset. Both the cheater and the person they are cheating with. She is still with my husband! I don't get it. Why the hell email me and try to apologize if you're going to be with him anyways? How dare she acts like she is sorry. My H has not stayed at our house the past 2 nights now. He has instead stayed with her. At a hotel, I believe. The very thought of that is so gut wrenching sickening. He called last night to talk to our 6 year old daughter. She wanted to know when Daddy would be home (kids still do not know) He kinda bull****ted his way around answering her question. It disgusts me so much that his baby girl wants her daddy and all he can focus on is getting to "just a friend" and putting her first before his own children. He just figures he can see them later. How can 2 people be so willing to destroy a family and feel nothing over doing so?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Please, for your sake, do not let him back in your house. Have his stuff in a corner for him to come and get them and tell him he can go stay his cheap hotel w/ his cheap girlfriend.

She told you she wasn't with him which you already know is BS. She is a SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG. Ok? And I'm curious as to why they don't stay at her house? Does her boyfriend live there? TELL HER BOYFRIEND!!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Fuuuuck that loser. He's scum. Break something.


Like his balls.  

Or his bank account. That's right. Get everything in the dicorce that you possibly can, Apple. You are entitled to HALF. Don't forget that. YOu gave that man 29 yrs of your life.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Your H is a scumbag, for sure, for Gods sake after my husbands last EA I said choosing to continue to speak with her was putting that relationship in front of me and his children, and he denied it. They don't see it, because they are blinded. Even though he ended it with her, I don't believe he ever will see it as that. I wish my husband would come here and read all of this stuff, it would help pull his head out of his lower orifice.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Please, for your sake, do not let him back in your house. Have his stuff in a corner for him to come and get them and tell him he can go stay his cheap hotel w/ his cheap girlfriend.
> 
> She told you she wasn't with him which you already know is BS. She is a SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG. Ok? And I'm curious as to why they don't stay at her house? Does her boyfriend live there? TELL HER BOYFRIEND!!!!


she lives with her parents. She is 28 years old, divorced with 2 kids, has a college degree and she lives with her parents. My H is trying to convince to move in with him as "room mates"


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Like his balls.
> 
> Or his bank account. That's right. Get everything in the dicorce that you possibly can, Apple. You are entitled to HALF. Don't forget that. YOu gave that man 29 yrs of your life.


LOL, not 29! I'm only 34  We've been together 15 years and would have been married 14 years next month. (May 21 is our annv)


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

My God if he tries to do something with you on your anniversary, I am hopping the first car down there and smashing something besides eggs lol.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I've decided to go tomorrow to file a petition for divorce on my own at the local courthouse. I do have an associates law degree. It's time I put my education to good use. I don't need a lawyer to file. I may hire one later on if things get to complicated but I can file without a lawyer.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> LOL, not 29! I'm only 34  We've been together 15 years and would have been married 14 years next month. (May 21 is our annv)


Sorry! I must have gotten you confused w/ another poster! You are young, Apple. Don't waste another minute on this d*uchebag.

I think you're doing the right thing by filing. then he and his girlfriend can move into her parents house with her kids. :rofl: Cut him off completely, seriously. NO CONTACT OK???? Unless it's re: ynour kids (do you have kids, I can't remember). GO DARK. Let her be his onlly support system.

She is a hag!!! He is a ho!!! Let them have eachother. They will be their own demise!


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Tell ya what apple, you feel the need to call text him, you call or text me...I am home all of the time, I will talk you through it, tonight is our scheduled "talk" as suggested by counseler, i wonder how that will go. Like I said in a previous post, best revenge is self inflicted, he will pull his head out, and realize what he has done and you will be long gone.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> Tell ya what apple, you feel the need to call text him, you call or text me...I am home all of the time, I will talk you through it, tonight is our scheduled "talk" as suggested by counseler, i wonder how that will go.


and you can call me too if you need to.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I added to my post above, like I told you, we will support each other through this, I got your back girl.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

This is my first holiday without him. I'm dealing with it, I guess. It's nice to be around family but I am missing him today. I havent even seen him in 2 days now. We've only spoken very briefly. I'm trying to do the 180 with him, so any conversation has been brief and to the point with very simple one or two word answers. I hate that he feels nothing over what he is doing. I hate that he has no remorse and I hate that "she" has become more important that his family. When do these conflicting feelings of love and hate for him go away, or at least smooth out? In my heart, I love him but in my head, I hate him. Is there here who could theorize his way of thinking? Is he in this fog?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

yes, in an active affair and yes this douche isn't thinking clearly.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

My mom and dad, married 35 years now. My 3 sisters and their husbands. All together for Easter today. I admit, I felt very alone, even being around them. I kept thinking that it wasnt right. It wasnt fair that my H would rather chase after this "woman". I dont get why she is more important than his family. How on earth does he possibly justify this to himself? How does she justify to herself being with a married man? It's just not right. I should be able to go home with my H too.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

There is no justification, they think there is but it plain boils down to that it's wrong.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> When do these conflicting feelings of love and hate for him go away, or at least smooth out? In my heart, I love him but in my head, I hate him. Is there here who could theorize his way of thinking? Is he in this fog?


The conflicting feelings will bet ehre for awhile, unfortunately. They will smooth out though with time and they will start smoothing out the FASTER you start detaching. That ids why you must go dark on him. The sooner you accept it's over and he's with her, the better for you.

His way of thinking-theorize it? He is infatuated with the "new" right now. But as you and I both know (and the world knows) that "new/shiny" feeling at the beginning of a relationship ALWAYS wears off,a nd then the real relationship again. i think that high lasts anywhere from 1-2 yrs maybe. It's said most affairs DO end and will end at some point. The sooner you let him know you aren't there for him anymore, don't WANT him like this anymore and you are GONE, a GHOST to him, the better for you. Seriously, Apple. You have got to Let Him Go. For real. 

He has NO idea how this is hurting ou right now cause he's hopped up on dopamine. Cut the chord. He wants out, give it to him 100%. No leaving the door open. Goodbye!

And yes, Para and I both have your back. ::highfive::


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## heartisbroken (Apr 23, 2011)

some states you can press charges on both participants for adultery ...


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am still in my personal conflict stage, not willing to give up yet.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> . When do these conflicting feelings of love and hate for him go away, or at least smooth out? In my heart, I love him but in my head, I hate him. Is there here who could theorize his way of thinking? Is he in this fog?


Your doing great apple. The 180 is for YOU. Not him. It feels almost impossible at the start, but it gets easier. It is really about doing things YOU want to do. It can be really simple things like instead of shopping on Saturday because he liked it that way, do it on Thursday because it is more convenient for you. You don't need to make compromises any more! 

I have gone very, very hard on the 180 and it works. Only 6 weeks down the road and I am moving on with my life. I care less and less about her.
Removing you from the equation will bust his fog faster than you can imagine. You have to do it for you though. You have to mean it. You have to be strong for you. From your posts I can tell you are. Let him go. You decide to do it. It is a very powerful feeling. Please apple. Stop your pain. Listen to the people here. 
Dump Him.... Go dark. the less you see and contact him the less it hurts and the faster you can get on with your life. Don't waste your energy on him. Right now he does not deserve you. 

The other upside of the 180 is that you get a life you want and you may find you don't want him in it!


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

You are doing great girl, I am still struggling with my plan, 180 plan a b c d z.....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Apple, I think it may help you if you write him a letter stating you are letting him go. That way, you get your self-respect back and tell him very clearly you aremn't his back-up chick, you won't tolerate being in an open marriage and you are moving on. When it's written, the wayward can go back and read and re-read it and it gets the point across. Also, it really really helps you get your self-respect back and makes you feel better, knowing you've stated your boundaries and then follow through with them.

Let us know how it goes today at the lawyer's. Don't forget to ask about payment plans! A lot of lawyers offer them. Oh and dont tell him you're seeing a lawyer. Be dark.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

why haven't you blown this open? (exposure) ?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Perhaps since she has made up her mind in divorcing him, I do believe she has no intention of taking him back, in her mind, what's the point? That is what I am getting from her, but on the other hand, I only got to talk to her for a few minutes this morning, poor girl has had a hard few days. She is taking baby steps. I don't know really.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> why haven't you blown this open? (exposure) ?


I have exposed it, mostly anyways. The "woman" (I use that term loosely) my H is messing around with has said to me that my H is only her friend and that she is in love with another man (yet, she and my H have had sex together) I do not know the status of her relationship with this guy she claims to be in love with. I have debated on telling him. I do worry that if I told him, she would only go running into my H's arms. But then, what does that matter? She is with my H everyday anyways. He cant seem to get enough of her. Gah. It makes me sick. He is with her right now as I type.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> Perhaps since she has made up her mind in divorcing him, I do believe she has no intention of taking him back, in her mind, what's the point? That is what I am getting from her, but on the other hand, I only got to talk to her for a few minutes this morning, poor girl has had a hard few days. She is taking baby steps. I don't know really.


I am moving forward with the divorce. It is not what I want. I want my family but I cannot live in an open marriage and as long as he is running around with "her" and he shows no regret, no remorse over anything, there is no hope for us. Maybe someday he will pull his head out of the dark and smelly place and be willing to save our marriage, but until then, it's over.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stick to your boundary, Apple. You are correct: you deserve so much more than waiting for someone who is carrying on with some else.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I know it's hard. You will come out of this okay. I can tell you are a good person, I am truly sorry you are going through this. I wish you and your children well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Stick to your boundary, Apple. You are correct: you deserve so much more than waiting for someone who is carrying on with some else.


I fight the loneliness, Jellybeans. I fight the urge to beg for him. I fight to resist ANY contact with him. I have not been in contact with him for 3 days now, other than a very brief, less than a minute talk about the kids. I only saw him for a moment this morning as he left the house (to go be with her, I'm sure) but I did not speak to him. I am avoiding as much contact as possible with him. Even though it hurts, I gotta rip that band-aid right off. It hurts so bad that I have to be alone everyday and he gets to be with someone. He's not lonely or miserable or sad. It's not fair that we all have to suffer for his actions. I hope he rots.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I know it's hard. You will come out of this okay. I can tell you are a good person, I am truly sorry you are going through this. I wish you and your children well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you Pidge


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I fight the loneliness, Jellybeans. I fight the urge to beg for him..



::Smack!:: No begging, ok? The loneliness--totally normal. You will have ups and downs. You are going through a lot and SO much BS you don't need to be. When will you see the lawyer?




AppleDucklings said:


> He's not lonely or miserable or sad. It's not fair that we all have to suffer for his actions. I hope he rots.


He is in the FOG. That is why you much detach/remove yourself as an option. The sooner, the better. He is NOT going to feel the loss of you until he realizes you are gone. Trust me.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ::Smack!:: No begging, ok? The loneliness--totally normal. You will have ups and downs. You are going through a lot and SO much BS you don't need to be. When will you see the lawyer?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Don't worry, I have not begged him. Sometimes I do think I should but I know that will do no good. I know that will only make me look weak and pitiful. It's not easy standing strong though when I so bad just want his arms around me.
I last spoke to a lawyer a week ago but I could not afford to hire that one, so I am still looking.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I know you have some people you talk to on here and that you don't know me from Adam but, if you need someone to talk to.....feel free to contact me. (((HUGS)))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I know you have some people you talk to on here and that you don't know me from Adam but, if you need someone to talk to.....feel free to contact me. (((HUGS)))
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you Pidge. I will private message you my email address.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Apple ~

I know what you are going through right now and I feel so badly for you.

I just want you to know that I am here if you need a "stranger" friend.

Be Strong.

Very Hurt


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I am trying to be strong. I'm trying to avoid him as much as possible. I want him to miss me but as long as he has "her" he won't be lonely and he won't miss me.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Apple ~

You know what? 
He doesn't know what he wants right now. 
He is in la la land with this new babe.
She lives at home with her two kids?
Not gonna last.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I want him to miss me but as long as he has "her" he won't be lonely and he won't miss me.


And as long as YOU are in the picture, he can't miss you.

Dump him.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I am trying to be strong. I'm trying to avoid him as much as possible. I want him to miss me but as long as he has "her" he won't be lonely and he won't miss me.


You are being strong. Three days feels like a lifetime. I get lonely too. Your best friend just stopped liking you. 
Every time I have little victory I turn around to tell her she is not there..

PM me too, another stranger who understands. Stay strong.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

VeryHurt said:


> Apple ~
> 
> You know what?
> He doesn't know what he wants right now.
> ...


and she loves someone else. My H and hers affair lasted from Nov 2010 to Feb 2011 (this is what she has told me) She says she ended it with my H b/c she did not want to ruin a family. My husband has developed some sort of high school type of infatuation on her and continues to pursue her. She lets him pursue her in spite of me asking her to just go away.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

She is playing hard-to-get and that could be why he's going after her. 

You should do the same. No calls, E-mails, texts.......NADA, NOTHING............pretend that you became a widow three days ago. 

Someone gave me that advice once and for some weird reason it kept me strong. 

If he got hit by a car, you would have to go on. 

You'd have to be strong for your children. You'd have to pay the bills, wash the clothes, replace the lightbulbs, take care of your children by yourself etc....

Do what you said before: Lose weight, eat haelthy, new glasses, new hair style, some new clothes, maybe a manicure and LEAVE HIM ALONE !!!!!!!!


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Apple:

I read one of your old posts and something came to mind: 

Do you think that the OW is using your husband to shake things up with her "boyfriend?"


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

VeryHurt said:


> Apple:
> 
> I read one of your old posts and something came to mind:
> 
> Do you think that the OW is using your husband to shake things up with her "boyfriend?"


I dont know honestly. I secretly follow her twitter page which is full of little tweets about how she loves this guy and how she wants to be with him. She has told me, in our email communications, that my husband is trying to help her win back this guy. Which I know is not the case. He is only playing "nice friend" to get her to want him.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

VeryHurt said:


> She is playing hard-to-get and that could be why he's going after her.
> 
> You should do the same. No calls, E-mails, texts.......NADA, NOTHING............pretend that you became a widow three days ago.
> 
> ...


No worries. I am leaving him alone. I am avoiding contact with as much as possible. We do have children together so I cannot avoid contact all the time but any communication I do keep brief and straight to the point. I am going to focus on losing weight. That is what I am going to do to keep myself busy.


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