# why do i feel like an unpaid counselor?



## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Can't quite believe I'm acting like some kind of unpaid counselor.....trying to help my H answer the question why he has cheated on me, cos he doesn't seem to know the answer!

How can I know why he cheated...why would I know?


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

If you feel like assisting your husband to understanding his misdeed and paving the way to full reconciliation as *charity on your part* then maybe therein lies the problem.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

is it normal though? I want to listen, I want to understand. But how can i give him the answers?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Watching and helping him get the answers might help you to come to terms with it and gain some basis of assurance that it won't happen again. If - and only if - your husband is genuinely remorseful.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

If you're able to help him along, why would you want to pay a counsellor to do it anyway?

Besides, there's an incidence on here in which the marriage counsellor had an affair with the husband of the couple.

Caveat emptor.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> If you're able to help him along, why would you want to pay a counsellor to do it anyway?
> 
> Besides, there's an incidence on here in which the marriage counsellor had an affair with the husband of the couple.
> 
> Caveat emptor.


**** that's bad! Really bad


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

gemjo said:


> **** that's bad! Really bad


It happens more than one would believe with marriage counselors and psychiatrists and psychologists, too. 

People are all human, doesn't matter that you have a license in a frame.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Of course I want to help him / us, if we stand any chance of R then I need to know this can never happen again.

That is hard right now when he's looking to me for answers.....surely those answers come from within himself. 

He knows deep down why he felt the need to make those choices, not once, but 3 separate occasions.

A little bit of soul searching, and a whole lot of honesty and he'll have his answer.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Watching and helping him get the answers might help you to come to terms with it and gain some basis of assurance that it won't happen again. If - and only if - your husband is genuinely remorseful.


How does anyone ever know if their H/W is truly sorry?

I can't get away from the 'you're sorry because I know about it' and I was never meant to find out. So it would have continued on know doubt, and still may do if the opportunity is there.

I am taking all those opportunities away from him, he will be going on no more work conferences where he sleeps away from home unless I'm there too.

But i bloody well shouldn't have to be with him to stop him screwing another woman!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

No you shouldn't - and the thing is if he wants to cheat again eventually he will. The fact that he's trying to figure out why is a good sign.

Read around here, you can find lots about what remorse looks like. It's taking ownership, it's being willing to be held accountable, it's complete and voluntary transparency, it's doing anything and everything you need, it's doing whatever is necessary to never do it again. 

Being sorry is different than remorse. Sorry is wishing you could make it go away or take it back. Remorse is accepting that you can't undo it and resolving to yourself to do everything in your power to repair the damage you've caused and never ever do it again.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> No you shouldn't - and the thing is if he wants to cheat again eventually he will. The fact that he's trying to figure out why is a good sign.
> 
> Read around here, you can find lots about what remorse looks like. It's taking ownership, it's being willing to be held accountable, it's complete and voluntary transparency, it's doing anything and everything you need, it's doing whatever is necessary to never do it again.
> 
> Being sorry is different than remorse. Sorry is wishing you could make it go away or take it back. Remorse is accepting that you can't undo it and resolving to yourself to do everything in your power to repair the damage you've caused and never ever do it again.


I get what you're saying, but surely it is WH that needs the lessons in remorse, not me.

I can't for the life of me understand how he could do this to me, big headed maybe, but I thought he worshiped the ground i stood on......he certainly acted as though he did, but was that all a lie too? A big act.

Am I purely and simply not enough for him, not quite good enough?

I feel like a complete failure.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

gemjo said:


> I can't get away from the 'you're sorry because I know about it' and I was never meant to find out. So it would have continued on know doubt, and still may do if the opportunity is there.
> 
> 
> 
> But i bloody well shouldn't have to be with him to stop him screwing another woman!


Ditto.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

He is the one that needs the lesson - I was only trying to help identify it. 

Take it from another guy who cheated on a perfect wife and family - it wasn't about you - I promise. It was about him - only him. I know that doesn't make sense and that's not the way is should be or is supposed to be - but that doesn't change it. 

I don't know if it was all a lie or a big act or not. But I can tell you for me it wasn't. I loved my wife and I still do - fortunately she found her way to forgive me and move forward with me together. The fact that he cheated on you does not necessarily mean that it was all a lie or an act. It's his job to help you see that - he has to repair the damage he caused.

This is his failure - not yours.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

"three separate occasions"

With the same woman or three different women?


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> "three separate occasions"
> 
> With the same woman or three different women?


separate occasions, once in 2006, once in 2008 and once 2011

different women, all sad women too by all accounts, all married with kids....whats wrong with people?


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## megmg (Sep 30, 2012)

The failure is definitley his, I know I'm there right now with perfect wife and family who I want to rebuild. It will be a hard slog but I'm prepared to do anything to repair the damage, I love my wife and family and none of it has Ben an act, the only act was trying to cover it up. Stay strong he will get there


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

megmg said:


> The failure is definitley his, I know I'm there right now with perfect wife and family who I want to rebuild. It will be a hard slog but I'm prepared to do anything to repair the damage, I love my wife and family and none of it has Ben an act, the only act was trying to cover it up. Stay strong he will get there


blah blah blah

we will see, if i can be bothered, because i'm all done in and nearly finished up!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

gemjo said:


> is it normal though? I want to listen, I want to understand. But how can i give him the answers?


You can't. However, you might be able to help him find his answers.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> You can't. However, you might be able to help him find his answers.


I truly hope so. I cant bear anything more.....it would surely kill me off.

I can only do what I am able to, if it isn't enough, then it isn't enough and I will wrap it up quick!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

gemjo said:


> I truly hope so. I cant bear anything more.....it would surely kill me off.
> 
> I can only do what I am able to, if it isn't enough, then it isn't enough and I will wrap it up quick!


Incidentally my wife did counsel me after I had a breakdown after I revealed my (revenge) affair to her. She has a PhD in psychology, and is a trained counsellor.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Well, don't you think it's time to change your title from Counselor to Ex-wife?

Obviously your husband is a serial cheater; what's the point in suffering through his weakness?


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

gemjo said:


> Of course I want to help him / us, if we stand any chance of R then I need to know this can never happen again.
> 
> *No one will ever have that 100% guarantee that this will never happen again. I wish there was a magic mirror to look into to get that guarantee, but there's not. *
> 
> ...


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

The problem is, so sad lady, I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth........that is where I'm at right now, and who can blame me?

He's had so many opportunities to put this right, but he chose to continue his lies and secrets.

So who knows, maybe I now have the truth, but maybe i don't...how can I suddenly start to believe anything he says, how can I have any certainty that he's become honest.....and isn't it the nature of the beast?

He's proved to me after almost twenty years who and what he really is....an unfaithful, lying, cheating b*stard. 

I don't know this man. I don't want to know him.

It will be such a waste of what could and should have been a long and happy marriage with 4 great kids to show for it. 

But he's trashed my past, trashed my present and trashed my future for what appears to be 3 ONS with 3 un-impressive women who for the life of me, I cannot see what he wanted in them, when he had so much more in me.

We need more than Luck, we need a miracle!


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

gemjo said:


> The problem is, so sad lady, I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth........that is where I'm at right now, and who can blame me?
> 
> He's had so many opportunities to put this right, but he chose to continue his lies and secrets.
> 
> ...


I sure wish I had some advice for you. I don't, but I completely, 100% understand what you mean and how you are feeling. I'm going thru the same feeling myself. 

Trust again? Why? Because NOW they say, "You can trust me, I promise."?

Okie dokie, HUSBAND. 

From what people have said to me, it sounds like you're at the point where you either decide you can live with it, with what you know, or leave. It's gotta be hard, especially with kids! That's the one thing I have going for me, I have one, and she's grown and gone... So that's not a factor. Can't imagine.

Like I said, no words of wisdom here from me (I would if I could, I just don't have them!). But hoping you find some peace one way or another soon.

Hugs.


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