# Committing to Letting Go and Forgiving



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Many of you have been telling me its a choice to let go and forgive. While I agreed with you there was always a "but"... so I decided that I will commit to letting go of what happened and forgiving him. 

I have reminded myself of what he did almost like a blanket you pull up for comfort. Every time I feel bad, I'm mad, kids do something, etc. I pull up that "blanket" and say these things all got off track because of what he put us through. 

Its time to stop hiding behind that. Yes, I still hurt. It was a very deep betrayal. Not a chance encounter, but began with a long term EA, then a PA, then they pretty much flaunted it in front of me. There are so many excuses I could tell you, and probably get most of you to agree that I shouldn't forgive him. So I asked myself two things 1) do I still love him 2) do I want to forgive him. Yes to both. Granted, I do not feel the same about him as I did before this. He rocked the very core of our relationship. 

But in some ways he gave me a gift. I rediscovered myself. I have a lot of strength and rather than crumble and blindly taking him back I set the ground rules which I have lived by. He had to commit 110% to this marriage understanding that I make no promises today (day we reconciled), never say "just get over it" I will get over it in my way and I expect support, no contact with her ever again, total honesty, and do this again even if "just" an EA and we are finished forever. 

Well he failed in two of those, he did contact her the first few days after reconciling. Had I learned at the time it would be over. He confessed about 6 months later. He said it was more like closure then one day he just shut computer down said "what am I doing". The other was it took him about 8 months to tell me all the secrets and because of that to this day I think there is still more. Things he knows if he tells me I will leave him. (I suspect this was not affair #1, I have no evidence only gut feeling and he knows if that were the case its over.) But even given those two pretty big failings he has done everything else I've asked him to do. 

I also told him I did not want the marriage we had. I felt I took care of him. When finances got tough, I didn't want to worry him. He knew it, and wouldn't ask. Sometimes I'd bring it up, he'd get upset. I felt like it was MY fault. I would then work harder (I'm a contractor can take on more work) and worked myself 6am - midnight for awhile to take the pressure off. While he was off sleeping with her and I was also taking care of kids. I don't want that guy back, she can have him. I told him from this point forward..even though I was a great enabler...taking care of finances is 50/50. (Everything in time...it was 0/100 now we are at about 30/70 still needs work). I want a partner not someone else to take care of. I told him if he's not up for the job then let's not go down this road. 

Do I sound too black or white? 

I became a stronger more confident person, who guess what? Didn't want the guy he was any longer. He has a lot of potential. He's a really great father, he's extremely talented more than he will ever understand (highly mechanical and a brilliant with design)...I know he under utilizes his skills. I always solved all his problems. Our therapist told me that. He said let him tell you his problem without you solving it (Ah! he's right, I'm a solver, its what I do for a living) but I love the freedom I feel when I think I don't have to solve this, only be an empathetic ear, offer him advice if he asks for it but let him solve it. Its making him grow as a person too. 

Sorry for the rambling, but wanted to let you all know where my head is at because I know I will need some reminding from time to time. This is still a roller coaster and I still hurt so there will be bad days. But I hope I can come here and you will remind me what I committed to doing. No more hiding under the blanket!


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## Calypso (May 11, 2009)

That is great its a step forward. I did the same thing a few weeks ago. I felt I had enough of the roller coaster ride. I still have a few weak moments were I start to feel sad. Then I tell myself to stop it don't go there anymore. It doesn't help me or my H by bringing it back up. He is proving to me he has changed, and I have to give him credit for that. I know I feel so much better since forgiving him. I hope everything works out for you.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Great step forward. Security blankets can smother sometimes more than help keep us safe. It's normal to have the feelings you describe, but as you have learned, its near impossible to move forward until you let go of your security blanket of hurt. As far as feeling like he has not told you everything....neither of you can change anything that may have happened in the past. Don't let it shape your future....moving forward and building a better, stronger relationship is all that you can do, since you made the choice to work it out.
It's all day by day, one step at a time. If day by day is too hard some days...take it hour by hour. Little steps are the foundation of bigger paths! Good luck hun!


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## joybro1 (Oct 20, 2009)

I am also trying to let go! It is still so fresh in my memory,because he just confesed 3 months ago. To him it was 12 years ago. Letting go feels like I am letting him off the hook! Honestly, I still like putting in the hurtful digs that make him want to cry! I know that this is selfish but I just want him to hurt the way he hurt me. Anyone else feel this way?


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## CMC125 (Oct 21, 2009)

Joy,

You are still too new on your journey, remember its forgive but never forget.

Yes you are on the vengeful spouse road now, this period contemplate carefully it can become all consuming if not controlled. Try something today, rather than a dig him demand you want a diamond ring tomorrow and state tomorrow. Why should you do this action it deflects from being hurtful to being in control.

Then next week its dinner, no ifs and's or buts again control not hurtful.

See this direction will allow you to heal in a way that is not hurtful nor consuming to your soul and in a weird way will start the healing process.

Just an idea shared that worked with 3 hurt wives.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Isn't demanding a diamond ring as bad as a dig? You were hurt so you get to demand anything? I don't think that works. I think unless what you require helps heal your wounds while not demeaning or in any other way making the other person feel abused or used (and to a lot of guys, saying "you cheated so now you have to spend a lot of $$ on me to make it up to me" would make them feel used). And does that work for men, too? Can they demand a new motorocycle or XBox?


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

AZMOMOFTWO. I am glad to hear that you are at the point you are. I hope that it all works out for you. Please continue posting your progress, as it will be helpful to many.

(((HUGS))) and best wishes to you!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> But in some ways he gave me a gift. I rediscovered myself.


ive heard it said that way before- that the hurt can actually be a gift. ive been working on seeing it that way but its really hard.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Thats a great post AZ. 

I too found I didn't want to go back to what the relationship was before. We both changed and now its better than it ever was.

Here's to evolution on the brink, may it save us all yet.


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## CMC125 (Oct 21, 2009)

Dobo,

Towards our end it became an emotional crutch of sorts. The use of hurt was to serve no more a purpose.

It did lessen the pain, but was not sustainable.


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

AZMom -

You've come a long way, and I know you can do it.

Our time frame is about the same, but when you mention it took 8 months to get the whole story (and still you doubt that's all of it), I understand why it's been so hard for you.

We got it all out on the table in the first few days, maybe a week. We talked every day, and I asked any new questions I wanted answers to. But the reality is, most cheaters hesitate to give full disclosure....I think because they have already devastated us with the affair so much, they think holding back little details will "spare us". Understandable, but completely wrong. The healing can't start until the wound is complete, I guess.

At any rate, you've made great strides. Honestly, it really does get easier when you learn to "let it go". It's been the hardest thing I've experienced in all my life.......but once I let it go, what a relief. 

Hang in there and best of luck.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Sorry everyone completely failing in this today and in the last few days. Feeling at rock bottom today.

I am not sure what triggered it. Kids were being particularly difficult and I am stressed with work. Or may be holidays. Halloween used to be my favorite holiday, we did a big haunted house for the whole community, but prior to and during the affair the OW was a big part of this. It ruined it for me and the holiday itself. We didn't do it at all last year then this year we did it on a small scale, H thought it would remind me of the "old days" when we did it on our own. It worked for a little while, then I disappeared went in to the house and cried because I remembered all the times they were sharing little secrets while doing this. 

Unfortunately most holidays tied in to her because of my H. He felt by having her around in the open I would not suspect so she has been to our house on Christmas, he invited her camping with us on Mother's day (and left me on the beach while the two of them skiied all day! and when he snuck out at night that night, my cat got out and was killed...) and my birthday...my favorite.. during the affair he made it clear that it was an obligation to take me out. I said maybe you need some time alone and he said yeah I do. So I packed up my kids and me and went to my parent's house who were out of town and I spent my bday with them. Then after they went to bed I got very sick, probably from stress, and when it got so bad I was afraid I'd bother him to come sit with the kids so I could go to urgent care so I didn't go..I had planned a really nice celebration for his birthday w/o OW and he ruined it and invited her and spent evening with her and not me...

I know, wallowing in pity today. Maybe this one can't be saved? 

I'm honestly trying to let go...


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

AZMOMOFTWO, it can be very difficult and painful to reclaim the parts of your life that your husband gave to the OW. I understand that hurt. It is terrible to ever feel like you are replaceable - "remove Wife A, insert Girlfriend B, presto!" That's how I feel about all the things that were our private, shared things he gave her - places they went, even a stupid picture of some cute hedgehogs I emailed him and then he sent to HER! She asked where he found it and he said "oh, some website." Makes me sick, our love of animals was always part of our unique bond.

All I can say is to try to do new things, create new memories rather than try to "over write" the old ones. Form new traditions. And it's important that he take initiative with that, make plans for the two of you to show that he cares. He may not realize how painful deja vu can be or the associations you have with things.


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

AZ,

I'm thrilled for you that you are to the point you want to let go and forgive. It's the beginning of the road to real recovery for you.

Please do keep in mind that this process is like the pendulum on a clock, it swings left (good days), it swings right (bad days). It's normal to have these and it's ok. How you handle the bad days will be the most important. Realize that it's temporary. That's it's a feeling. That feelings change, but what you KNOW is solid.

I'm on the same pendulum swing as you. I've struggled with days when I didn't feel like I could ever trust him again. The doubts rush in and just knock the wind out of me. It's devastating at first because I thought "Oh I've got this licked now" and then WHAM!!!" 

Recognizing that these are normal feelings helps. Recognizing that it's temporary helps even more.

Hang in there! You can do this! Vent when you need. We're all in the same boat (or similar).

Praying,
Lost


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