# Separated/Talking again. Ladies??



## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

Ok so my wife and I separated 7 months ago. We had been married for 3 years and together for 10 total. During our marriage there was major disconnect and we grew apart. She told me over and over again that she didn't feel connected with me and I told her over and over again that she was too needy and didn't recognize the good in me. We reached a stalemate and she decided that I wasn't giving her what she wanted and left. We cut off contact and both resolved to move on with our lives. 

Since we've split up, I've taken a lot of time to see where I went wrong in the relationship (thanks to TAM mostly). I didn't communicate effectively, didnt' make her feel important, didn't LISTEN to her, and took the relationship for granted.

We basically didn't communicate for the first 6 months of the separateion except for business related matters. I just wanted to move on with my life and learn what I needed to learn. Then one day she texted me out of the blue about something silly. I responded. And we ended up meeting for coffee. I was talking to someone new at the time (although I didn't see it going anywhere) and so was she (but they were having "issues" too). Anyhow, we both communicated where we went wrong in the relationship. She admitted that she didn't have her own "sense of self" and relied on me a lot. I admitted that I didn't listen well and make her feel important. 

This coffee date led to more communication. Another coffee date and a few nights hanging out together, shopping and watching movies. We are both "on guard" and afraid of being hurt again. We have both expressed the thoughts of getting back together and she says she is afraid because of how badly I hurt her (which I can understand). As we got closer, she told me that she still "had feelings" for the other guy and that she needed to "resolve" things with him before she could commit her heart 100% into things with me. From what she said about him, I KNOW (at least I think I know) that they will not last long (and I think she knows this too) but he is being persistent with her and texting her constantly. I guess they were talking for a while and split up and then they started talking again right before I came in the picture. SHe told me that she wonders if she didn't give it a fair chance with him because of me. SHe also said that she probably needs "two weeks" to see for sure whether or not it would ever work with him. She said that they "have a connection that we didn't have" but that he "doesn't have his life together like I do" She also said that the last few weeks we've been hanging out she can "see the difference" in me. We have definately been more connected and I FEEL like a different person all together (again many thanks to TAM). 

PS, we have slept together 3x since we started talking again and she has been honest about the other guy. I am sitting back right now and living my life. Going out with friends and meeting other people still. I told her that if I meet someone else I will explore the opportunity and that she needs to get closure because I'm not a third-wheel type guy. 

So I would like some ladies perspectives. What's she thinking? What's going through her head? Should I cut my losses here and move on? Is it salvageable? Is she just using me as a fallback in case her and buddy don't work out?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think you're Mr. Dependable. I hate it when women can't be without a man in their lives! They make the rest of us look like manipulators!

The OM is rocking her world (or has that potential to) but has some faults that you don't. You have some faults that he doesn't. 

What do you want? If you want her, go get her. If you aren't sure, let it play out and risk her deciding on OM. You guys either work toward R or you work toward FWB. They says the FWB thing is great with exes, but I have no idea if that's true or not, seems like playing with fire to me.


----------



## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

Just a very quick opinion (and not really answering your question, but I'll come back if I have time):

There are so many people in this world, and so many of them wonderful, that it's not worth pursuing where there's past drama. Be friends, even have sex... but my personal opinion is that a relationship isn't in your better interests in the long run.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

forumman83 said:


> She said that they "have a connection that we didn't have" but that he "doesn't have his life together like I do"


This sentence concerns me.

You stated the MAIN reason she left was a lack of connection. So she gets it with this guy. Check.

I think you are Mr. Dependable too. If the connection wasn't there before what makes her think it will be there now?


----------



## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

thanks everyone. I agree with the concerns. like I said I feel like a different person now. more connected. more understanding. etc etc. but you guys are right, there's all that past drama but I still wonder if it COULD work. hmmm. 

do you guys think she's just keepin me around just in case??

it's just really weird the way all this went down? I'm confused and a bit mad. I told her
to figure out whatever she needs to figure out and haven't talked to her for three days now. I don't wanna call her and validate that it's ok to talk to another
guy and me. but sometimes I wonder if I'm being too
much of a hardass?? thanks for the advice!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'd be miffed if someone told me they needed two weeks to decide if someone else is a better catch than me.

But then again I admit I've never tried to get back with an ex when they were dating someone else.


----------



## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I'd be miffed if someone told me they needed two weeks to decide if someone else is a better catch than me.
> 
> But then again I admit I've never tried to get back with an ex when they were dating someone else.


Yeah that's true. I guess I'm lookin to see if any ladies have been in this situation before; reconnecting with an ex when there's someone else involved. What are the thoughts/feelings goin on in your head?

One thing she said is that she's "worried that it will go back to the way it was before."


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree with what most of the ladies have said already.

Her other relationship is tanking (except fopr the exciting sex part (or as she called it the "connection that we didn't have")

You're definitely "Plan B". You're a potential ATM for her, that's all and the sex she's been giving you? That is just a small deposit on what she hopes to be able to draw on in the future.

Have you dated at all during the seperation? Is he "boy toy" part of the reason you split up? I'm willing to bet it was even if you don't know it yet.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Ugh.you are so Plan B.She's keeping you around so you can pick her up and dust her off after she falls on her pretty little face.

I will be shocked if you come back and say that her boyfriend wasn't around while you guys were still together and ultimately caused this loss of connection she talked about,like Toffer said, "I'm willing to bet it was even if you don't know it yet"


----------



## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Ugh.you are so Plan B.She's keeping you around so you can pick her up and dust her off after she falls on her pretty little face.
> 
> I will be shocked if you come back and say that her boyfriend wasn't around while you guys were still together and ultimately caused this loss of connection she talked about,like Toffer said, "I'm willing to bet it was even if you don't know it yet"


yes this is what I'm afraid of.. at the same time, I have plenty of options right now so don't really have much to lose. or do iiiiiiiiiiii 

I talked to one girl I work with and she said that what may have happened is that she realized it wasn't going anywhere and tried to cut him off but that he is very persistent and saying this and that to her. This, coupled with our history (remember, I was basically the guy that I read about on here on TAM...the guy that just doesn't "hear" what what his wife is saying and doesn't give her what she needs but she really loves him and tries etc etc). So now she needs to get closure from this guy before she can move on. 

I'm not saying she's right or wrong I have no clue frankly but it's great to hear from some other women...


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

forumman83 said:


> yes this is what I'm afraid of.. at the same time, I have plenty of options right now so don't really have much to lose. or do iiiiiiiiiiii
> 
> I talked to one girl I work with and she said that what may have happened is that she realized it wasn't going anywhere and tried to cut him off but that he is very persistent and saying this and that to her. This, coupled with our history (remember, I was basically the guy that I read about on here on TAM...the guy that just doesn't "hear" what what his wife is saying and doesn't give her what she needs but she really loves him and tries etc etc). So now she needs to get closure from this guy before she can move on.
> 
> I'm not saying she's right or wrong I have no clue frankly but it's great to hear from some other women...


All I can say is guard your heart and be careful.I hope she's sincere and I hope you aren't plan B.
I like that you're able to see things you may have done to contribute to the separation,let's hope she is able to do the same on her part.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Forumnan,

I agree with SB that it's great that you've recognized your role in the marriage issues and have strived to make yourself a better person.

However, if it were me, I'd need to know how soon lover boy came around after your split. I'd be going through cell phone records because I'd need to know that instead of my wife working with me to resolve any matital issues, she choose to share feelings and thoughts with another man.

Look, I'm not saying she was boinking the dude before you guys broke up but I'm wondering is there was a relationship that contributed to the break-up (the grass is always greener scenario).

Did you date at all since the break-up? Have you had sexual relations with anyone since the break-up? Apparently, even though you were still legally nmarried your wife had NO problem moving forward with someone else and now she's asking you to wait for 2 weeks while she "tries" to make up her mind?

I'd be willing to bet that she's looking for some kind of long term commitment from the OM in the next two weeks. She's using you to pressure him into making a commitment. 

She is continuing to be completely disrespectful to you by asking for this two week period. It should have been more like this:

"Honey, I have broken it off with the OM because I have realized what a fool I was in not sticking around to work on things with you. Is there any way you could find it in your heart to forgive me and give us a shot at reconciling?"


----------



## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

Hi thanks for the replies. 

Yes I have dated other women since the breakup. Keep in mind that we were separated and moving towards divorce (had to wait a year). This was NOT a trial separation to try and work on things...we both agreed on divorce (I was fed up with the relationship too and looking to move on). 

Basically, after we broke up I severred all contact with her except for business related matters. I basically went NO CONTACT and worked on myself. I made it a point to move on. I went on several dates with different girls then I met a girl that I dated for a few months. She was cool and attractive but I didnt have that spark with her so I knew it probably wasn't going to be a long-term thing.

My ex had texted me and emailed me several times during our separation I basically ignored them all because I didn't want to open pandora's box. Then, for some reason, I decided to respond to one and it led to all this. 

Basically I'm at the point now where I am debating between the following:

1. She is using me to make OM jealous (definate possibility but i have trouble seeing why she would NEED to do this)
2. She realizes things probably won't work out with OM but needs to see for sure for herself or she may have regrets and doubts (this is what she verbally expressed to me.

And I also debate about what to do:

1. Leave her alone and keep doing my own thing wait for it to fail (I can almost GUARANTEE that it will eventually) 

2. Pursue her vigorously

3. Keep in touch and be supportive but don't push things

Right now, I'm basically just leaving her alone and continuing on with life. I have a lot of single friends and have a few girls that I talk to now so I'm ok with that. Just hate being stuck in the middle. Maybe I should give her an ultimatum and get it over with??


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

If I found myself in that situation,option 2 and option 3 wouldn't even appear on the list.


----------



## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> If I found myself in that situation,option 2 and option 3 wouldn't even appear on the list.


Damn, maybe you're right...
anyone else have any thoughts?


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

Hey there! I actually had quite a different gut reaction than most others had after reading your post. I, myself, have not reconciled with an ex after splitting...but my parents have. 

My dad was much like you...horrible communicator, always shut down, NEVER heard my mom's (quite valid) problems that she wanted to work on in their marriage. After 25 years of marriage, she cheated on him with one of his employees. Ugh, he was so gross. Anyway...she also has been chronically ill for years and developed a pain killer addiction. Docs took away her meds so she started drinking all the time. Basically...my mother was desperate, on her way to rock bottom and SCREAMING for attention. 
My dad became a shell of his former self. He got a girlfriend (she was also really gross) and started drinking CONSTANTLY. I lived in the same house with the two of them for the first year of their marital strife. I saw first hand how horrifying anger/rage/pain/hurt/resentment and lacking communication can really be. 

Luckily, I went off to college soon after, so I didn't have to live with them anymore. I spent one summer with my dad and it was awful. I spent one summer with my mom and it was awful. Bottom line, it didn't take long to see that without each other...they were both absolute messes.

Long story short (too late!!) after 5 years apart, they got back together. They were both SO fiercely wounded (my mom confessed to me she still hasn't forgiven herself for how she acted and feels guilty about it every day) that it took a loooooong time for them to work on themselves and their marriage. Their life is far from perfect...but it is obvious that they're still very much in love with each other, even after all that BS and pain. 

My point is...You've grown, you've changed, you've learned. You guys can make it work if you both want to. 

Good luck to you, friend!


----------



## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

plasmasunn said:


> Hey there! I actually had quite a different gut reaction than most others had after reading your post. I, myself, have not reconciled with an ex after splitting...but my parents have.
> 
> My dad was much like you...horrible communicator, always shut down, NEVER heard my mom's (quite valid) problems that she wanted to work on in their marriage. After 25 years of marriage, she cheated on him with one of his employees. Ugh, he was so gross. Anyway...she also has been chronically ill for years and developed a pain killer addiction. Docs took away her meds so she started drinking all the time. Basically...my mother was desperate, on her way to rock bottom and SCREAMING for attention.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the response. Curious how they came to get back together?


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

forumman83 said:


> Thanks for the response. Curious how they came to get back together?


Oh, you're welcome! I hope it helped a little bit. 

And their reunion was a long, slow process. They slowly starting talking again, had couples counseling, individual counseling, my mom had substance abuse counseling, my dad had to learn how to quit enabling her (which is hard to learn when someone's legitimately ill...tough to know where to draw the line.)

When they first split, they were both so defensive..."You're doing this!" "Well, fine, but YOU'RE doing THIS!" and they finally realized they had to drop all defenses, learn to actually listen to one another and communicate. There was a lot of apologizing, a LOT of working to earn back trust and a long road to forgiveness and ultimately moving forward. 

Those are the details I heard/remember...I never really wanted to ask much more because there's still pain in remembering (it was the darkest time in both their lives). But, I see them regularly, and even though mom's still sick, dad has to work a lot...the love they feel for each other is still alive in their eyes, words and actions. In August, they will celebrate 38 years together. 

When they split up, it tore my world apart and I lost all faith in love and family. After I watched them go through hell, only to come out on top, it made me see a lot of things including 1) how hard love/marriage really can be 2) soul mates are soul mates and they'll work through anything to survive. 

If you and your wife are meant for one another, I truly, sincerely believe you can do make it work. It may take a long time to heal wounds, but it's definitely possible. 

But...all that hopeful/optimistic stuff aside...keep doin what you're doin. Live your life, let her figure hers out...who knows, over time, you could build back all the trust/love and come to a new, perhaps even better place. 

Again, best of luck!!


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Forumman, what do YOU want?

If you were the clueless man, who didn't hear her when she talked and didn't respond when she asked, she is waiting for you to be the man she wants. She doubts you and your sincerity that you have learned to NOT be the clueless guy.

Do you want this relationship to work? If so, then work it!

Do you want her to prove her sincerity first? You're probably making yourself plan B by default of passivity.


----------



## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Forumman, what do YOU want?
> 
> Do you want her to prove her sincerity first? You're probably making yourself plan B by default of passivity.


Thanks all

And yes this is my concern...that I am being too passive. Yes I want this to work but I am not CERTAIN that it would...just because I've become a better person doesn't necessarily mean it would work; but I told her I'm willing to find out and that I AM the man she's looking for...not that IM DOING the things she wants.

Let me explain further: each time I have been with her I have SHOWN her the new me. I try not to talk much about how great I am I just live it. She has commented several times saying she feels more connected to me and how I have my stuff together and how she always knew I was a good guy; but she is also quite afraid that things will go back to the way they were before (me not listening, understanding, and being connected). 

I get all this.  But I can tell that she has something on her mind a lot of the times she's with me...and I know its the OM. She has told me time and again that she is confused and I have been supportve but I also tell her that I am the right guy for her; problem is, we have broken up before and I've said these things before...but this time, it really is different for me...I really do GET it so to speak, at least I think I do (thanks to TAM). Anyways, I don't get too pushy I just continue BEING the guy I am (ps, I really do have a lot of options and she knows this).

My point is is that she keeps on telling me that the OM is being very persistent. I talked to her last night for the first time in 2 days and she said that OM and her have hung out and that she wants to see where it goes. She said she doesn't want to hurt me...blah blah blah...but she says a lot of things too...like whhat would need to change if we got back together, that the OM might not be what she needs, that OM might not be the right person for her, and that she could have worse issues with OM than we ever did, and that she "has stronger feelings for me than OM because we have been together for so long"

At the same time she says that she "needs to get it out of her system" or that if she doesn't "she may live with the regret of not knowing" SHe also said that I got to experience another "relationship" because I was actually dating someone else and that she didn't. She also said "I don't want to lose you, but I don't expect you to wait around..I know you'r ea good catch but if you meet someone else and you have stronger feelings for her than you do for me then it probably wan't meant to be anyways" 

I also know that a lot of people have probabaly told her to not rush things and they have also told her that things would LIKELY go back to the way they were if we got back together and this has probably further confused her. 

She sounds genuinely torn and confused but she was appologetic about it. I do understand where she's coming from we've been through a lot and I never really UNDERSTOOD her before; now I feel like I do. 

I can say one thing, in my heart I know that things will eventually fail with OM. He is older than both of us and still doesn't have his life together like I do. She also said that they would argue a lot and she thought that this might have been because she was not over me yet; but I think it's because he probably can't handle her. She also said that OM and her "lifestyles don't match" which is a huge issue IMO especially for a woman. Either way, I know she is extremely picky and will pick apart any negatives in him and he probably won't be able to deal with it. It's just a matter of WHEN not IF IMO. Trust me, I know this girl.

Now, I could be dead wrong..who knows..but I need some outside advice on how to proceed. 

Thanks everyone!


----------



## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

What makes THIS woman so special? Only that you know her. And it doesn't sound like you like everything about her; you could potentially be much more compatible with someone else. 

My advice (hesitant, because I don't like giving advice): She's keeping you around as a second choice, so why not keep her around as a second choice? Go find something better.


----------



## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

Faiora said:


> What makes THIS woman so special? Only that you know her. And it doesn't sound like you like everything about her; you could potentially be much more compatible with someone else.
> 
> My advice (hesitant, because I don't like giving advice): She's keeping you around as a second choice, *so why not keep her around as a second choice?* Go find something better.


Why give her that satisfaction?

OP - she is playing you. She is the puppeteer pulling your strings. She is keeping you on her string because she knows you're a solid fall back plan - it is to _her advantage_ to tell you things with OM aren't going well, because that is keeping you hooked. 

If you all do get back together to make it work - for how long? Are you sure she won't get that itch that needs to be scratched again, meet someone new and fall back on the whole "things turned into what they were before" excuse?

And, by listening and entertaining all this.. You're letting her string you along. 

Yes, she might genuinely be torn over making such a huge decision. But, bottom line: *You're not #1 for her.* 

What else is there to discuss? :scratchhead:


----------

