# I'm only 20 and rarely have sex.



## jelwipw (Jul 25, 2012)

My husband and I have been together 6 years and have had 2 children. Ever since the birth of our first child we rarely have sex. I did gain 50 pounds and tons of stretch marks. He has always dealt with depression, so have I. Anyways since the birth of our first we rarely have sex. We can go a few weeks and if I am lucky we do once a week. I can't remember the last time he initiated it except for when he's drunk (then he can't keep his hands off of me). I have tried to talk to him about it. Nothing changes. I have needs too and it doesn't make sense that his excuse is always that he's tired but instead of going to sleep he'll stay up a couple of hours to play video games. He has the energy to watch porn and jack off but not enough to spend 30 minutes with me? I MISS intimacy soo bad it's not even funny and I do have a very high sex drive. I don't know what to do anymore. We argue a lot because I'm constantly stressed because I feel so lonely and he never helps in/or outside of the house. He rarely plays with the kids. He's been taking adderall for his add but nothing has changed except for him getting obsessed in what he likes/is interested in. I have taken adderall. If he wanted to have sex with me he would. He only works four hours a day at a desk job and goes to school for two hours. I feel like I'm dying I'm so lonely. Any advice/help/insight? I'm tired of feeling so unwanted when my own husband turns me down for sex 90% of the time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jel,

How long have you been married? How old are your children? How old is your husband?

It sounds like the two of you are in over your heads, getting married very young and having two children is a lot to be dealing with at your young ages.

I understand fully what it’s like to be rejected by your husband. Been there done that for way too long. I also understand how it becomes a vicious cycle in which you feel to badly about yourself that you give up and stop taking care of yourself. This is even more true when you have two little ones and a household demanding your constant attention.

You have got to change your focus from what you need from him in the way of attention, sex, etc to what you can do for yourself. Why? Because a needy person is not very attractive. The extra 50 lbs is not helping either. I know it’s a sensitive subject but this has to be faced.

I know that you are upset with your husband and your current life. But you cannot change another person. You can change how you interact with that person. And you can change yourself.

When you change yourself, your husband will have to change. You cannot control how he changes, but change he will. Most likely he will change by noticing you and starting to chase you again.

The first thing to do is to decide what you want your life to be like and who you want to be. Then you need to start being that person and create the life you want. Either your husband is going to wake up and pay attention once you start to make significant changes, or he’s going to stay where he’s at emotionally. Most of the time what happens is that he will wake up, start paying attention to the new invigorated you and work with you to put your marriage and family on the right track.

Why were you on Adderall? Are you diagnosed with AD/HD? If so why are you no longer on this medication? I’m not suggesting that you automatically get back on it. It’s just one piece of the puzzle.

I presume that you do not work. Is this right? Are you a SAHM?

So let’s brain storm on what you can do to change yourself for the better. :smthumbup:


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## jelwipw (Jul 25, 2012)

We've been married a little over two years and our kids are 3 and 1. My husband is 24. And I took it a few times when I was an experimenting young teen haha. And yes I'm a sahm. I start college next month. I have been working hard to get the weight off the past couple of months and I'm down 15 pounds so far so I'm trying my hardest to work on that. I know I've held myself back from losing the weight because of the issues we've had and the kids etc etc. I'm just so worried things will never change but I guess I'll never really know until I become the best I can be. But what if he doesn't change? What do I do then? Thank you do much for the advice. It's really given me a lot of insight. I am worried I may resent him when I do become the person I want to be? He has gained around 120 pounds since we first started dating six years ago and I haven't ever found him unattractive except for the way he treats me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jelwipw said:


> We've been married a little over two years and our kids are 3 and 1. My husband is 24. And I took it a few times when I was an experimenting young teen haha. And yes I'm a sahm.


Thanks for the additional info.



jelwipw said:


> I start college next month.


Good for you!!! This is a move in the right direction. What area of study are you interested in?


jelwipw said:


> I have been working hard to get the weight off the past couple of months and I'm down 15 pounds so far so I'm trying my hardest to work on that. I know I've held myself back from losing the weight because of the issues we've had and the kids etc etc.


Another pat on the back to you for doing this. It’s hard but you will so proud of yourself for doing this. If you have trouble getting the time you need walk and workout just tell your husband that he will need to watch the children while you go work. Also look around your area for clubs and groups that go active things like hiking, bike riding, etc. Joint one or two. Invite your husband to go with you. If he refuses him to take care of the children and go yourself. He will most likely get very curious about what you are up to and will join you at some point. Get back into being a fun, interesting woman whom any man in his right mind will want to spend time with.. it will turn your husband’s head.


jelwipw said:


> I'm just so worried things will never change but I guess I'll never really know until I become the best I can be. But what if he doesn't change? What do I do then?


If you change yourself, things will change. One of the constants in life is change. 

I understand your concern. But instead of focusing on your fears and hurts, focus on how you are working to improve yourself and make life better for your family. The reset will fall in place. Your marriage cannot be fixed today because the two of you are stuck in some place that is not good for you. So by you changing for the better, you will be leading your husband out of his stuck place. If he refuses to budge you can deal with it when the time comes. 

There are some things you can do now. For example your husband is not helping you around the house. If he’s earning your income and going to school he’s pretty busy. If you are a SAHM then the home and child care is your responsibility for the number of hours that he is working outside the home, at school and studying. But after that he does need to help you. You should not be carrying the load at home 24/7. After work yours the load at home is 50/50.

If he is not helping you stop doing things for him. A quote I read once is that a woman should never do anything for a man (or male child even) that they can do for themselves after they arrive at the age of 4. 

I did this with my sons (and daughter). At the age of ten I showed them how to use the washer and dryer. I have not had to do their laundry since then. Then are in their early-mid 20’s now. I even gave each of them 2 towels and one set of sheet. They had to do the towels and sheets when they washed their clothing. I did the same with my husband when we married (his kids were 10 & 12 when we married). My son was 10.

If your husband will not do his share around the house let him do this own things. Do not wash his laundry. Do not cook for him. If he leaves his clothing in the dryer, just pile them in a basket on his side of the bed. He can fold them and put them away. Do you do the grocery shopping and get him his favorite things? Stop. He can go to the store for his own things. 

Withhold everything nice you do for him. But be ever so cheerful and charming when you do it.

When he asks why you are no longer doing his laundry, do not tell him that you will no longer do it. Just look at him, bat your pretty eyes, be cheerful and tell him that you are so busy with having to do everything in the house and taking care of the children that you just have not had the time to do everything you would like to do. Tell him that there is laundry soap. Let him be the one to come to you to negotiate a change of how household chores are done. Until he suggests that the chores are divided more equally he can be responsible for himself.

There is a lot of good literature out there for fixing marriages. In your particular situation a book that I think will really help you is “Divorce Busting”. Pay particular attention to the story about the otter (yes the animal). You will understand why I say to pay attention to that story when you read it. Also pay attention to the author’s discussion of the 180. The 180 is a plan to do exactly the opposite of what you usually do to change your environment, yourself and to get your husband’s attention.



jelwipw said:


> Thank you do much for the advice. It's really given me a lot of insight. I am worried I may resent him when I do become the person I want to be? He has gained around 120 pounds since we first started dating six years ago and I haven't ever found him unattractive except for the way he treats me.


 Stop worrying and get busy. You might resent him at some point. But if you change he will have to change.

Men are more visual than women. They are sexually excited by visual stimuli more than women are. That’s why so many men like porn and yet women are not usually into it to the same degree. So your weight gain will most likely bother him more than his bothers you. It’s biology.

His weight gain is very problematic however. While you are changing and losing weight, you might want to look at his diet and start moving him in the right direction. Men lose weight a lot easier than women do so some nudging on your part could help him pretty quickly.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

jelwipw said:


> My husband and I have been together 6 years and have had 2 children. Ever since the birth of our first child we rarely have sex. I did gain 50 pounds and tons of stretch marks. He has always dealt with depression, so have I. Anyways since the birth of our first we rarely have sex. We can go a few weeks and if I am lucky we do once a week. I can't remember the last time he initiated it except for when he's drunk (then he can't keep his hands off of me). I have tried to talk to him about it. Nothing changes. I have needs too and it doesn't make sense that his excuse is always that he's tired but instead of going to sleep he'll stay up a couple of hours to play video games. He has the energy to watch porn and jack off but not enough to spend 30 minutes with me? I MISS intimacy soo bad it's not even funny and I do have a very high sex drive. I don't know what to do anymore. We argue a lot because I'm constantly stressed because I feel so lonely and he never helps in/or outside of the house. He rarely plays with the kids. He's been taking adderall for his add but nothing has changed except for him getting obsessed in what he likes/is interested in. I have taken adderall. If he wanted to have sex with me he would. He only works four hours a day at a desk job and goes to school for two hours. I feel like I'm dying I'm so lonely. Any advice/help/insight? I'm tired of feeling so unwanted when my own husband turns me down for sex 90% of the time.


wait so you were dating an 18 year old when you were 14 ??????? I am sorry I am just curious about the backstory here and do, did your parents know about this. You had one child when you were 17 and got married at 18. Sweetheart is every state your H would be on the hook for statutory rape. I only ask cause I am on the fence as to whether or not you are a troll.


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