# Really in a tough situation...reconcile or let the past be



## baba1234

I was married to my ex wife for 7 years. we married very young (20 and 18). It wasn't a very stable marriage, specially at the end of the relationship. We were not happy. We constantly fought, hated each other, name calling, at one point it even got physical . Along those years, we had two babies a boy (6) and a girl (9).

We divorced in December 2015 and move on. Till Feb of this year, I saw no reconciliation of the relationship. I tried to get to talk to her in getting back together last year but she choose not to. 


In Feb, 2018 she told me she wanted to get back to with, she misses, blah blah. I said I will not promise anything but will want to see if things has changed. She didn't want that. she wanted yes or no answer. If yes then come home tonight. I agreed and on the weekend I would stay at her place and take care of the kids while she went to work. Before that I was taking care of my kiddos at my place an hour away. I would drive every weekend to pick them up and drop them off. 

I had a girl friend she was very easy to talk to. She was there for me. I broke up with her to move back  for my kiddios and for the sake of having a family again. 

One day while she was got to work, I looked at her computer and noticed, she had a boyfriend that she was talking to till FEB of this year. She had a boyfriend all along. Here comes the worst part, I also saw that she was talking to one of my best friend. I know nothing sexually has happened btw them but I know they have talked for hours and saw a txt him saying "wanna see you when you come out of shower" her response "you crazy lol"......I have not confronted her. I haven't said anything to her yet. I want to do this logically. I am kinda emotional guy. At times, I feel like people use that against me. 

Idk what to do. I hate going back to a life full of **** again. For me moving forward after the divorce was very difficult. I was out of my own home. I left the home so my kids and her have a place. I was very lonely (still am). I slept in car. I didn't have much money. I was a student. 

Move forward with the ex wife, thinking and pretend nothing has happened or stuck with the decision that was made 3 years ago?


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## TJW

baba1234 said:


> Move forward with the ex wife, thinking and pretend nothing has happened or stuck with the decision that was made 3 years ago?


None of the above. 

You cannot move forward, while thinking and pretending nothing has happened. All of what has happened must be laid out on the table for both of you, and the reasons why you made these choices discussed and understood by both of you.

Neither can you just "stick with" the decision of 3 years ago. You will have to re-evaluate that decision in light of what you have learned and accomplished over the last 3 years. You will have to justify the decision that was made, or modify the decision as appropriate for today.


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## Andy1001

Seems to me all she wants is a live-in babysitter while she carries on her single life.I would start checking up on where she’s really going at the weekends.


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## Vinnydee

Most people do not change so what you see before marriage is what you get and are stuck with. However, love blinds us at the beginning and then as the romance type love fades, we see each other as we really are and that is why divorces often occur soon after marriage. 

Having a kid two years before marriage at the age of 18 and your wife 16 or 17 then another after you married in an admittedly unstable relationship, was not a good life choice to begin with. In fact, that is statutory rape in most places. Seems you made a lot of bad choices and are considering making another. I married my wife when she was 19 and I was 20. We are happily married for 46 years. In our time most of us got married before we were 21. Our current friends are married longer than we are. No divorces despite all of us marrying early, so age is not the problem, maturity level seems to be the problem. You started off with two strikes against you.

My wife is my second fiancée and third relationship. My first fiancé was communicating with my friend and later on when I was in combat, I learned from my best friend that she was having sex with my other friend. My second girlfriend was friendly with my friends, had sex with all three and was dating one of them. We all make mistakes but I learned from mine before I married. When it comes to sex, trust no one, not even a sibling. There are always going to be rough patches in any relationship and the last thing you need is to have your wife turn to a sympathetic ear every time those rough patches appear. That will form emotional attachments and when emotions come into play, we all tend to make bad choices. I saw the same thing happen to both my siblings and those of my wife. It happened to a few our my married friends too. I think that women meet most men either through their job or through their husbands. Same for men though. Since they already have some level of emotional attachment with your friends, even if just friendship and the concern for them, it is easy to go to the next step which is sex and/or love.

Did you know that the odds of a second marriage are even worst than the 50/50 odds in your first marriage. I would not be OK with my wife texting other guys, friends or not. My wife does not go out with single girlfriends. Single girlfriends can exert a lot of pressure on married women. I do not trust anyone 100%. We all should have a healthy amount of distrust. I know too many husbands and wives who say that they trust their spouse 100% when I know that they are being cheated on. I knew a wife who had a 10 year affair until the guy moved out of State for a new job. She said it was easy to cheat because her husband never questioned her or kept tabs on her. I have seen too much in my 67 years to trust anyone 100%. 

If a friend of mine asked my wife for a picture, when she was younger of course, after she got out of the shower, he would have to deal with me and not just verbally. That is unacceptable behavior by both of them. If you are going to be her security blanket, someone she can fall back on when her new boyfriend leaves her, or look the other way, you will continue in the loop you put yourself into. You got out once before, and going back in is yet another poor life choice, which seems to be common with people who have less than happy lives. 

My advice is to remain divorced because it sounds like she is the dominant one in the relationship. It is so obvious from your post. Don't use the kids as an excuse to get remarried or stay with your ex. Half of the kids today come from divorced parents and they grow up just fine. In fact, by staying with their mother you are teaching them the wrong way for married parents to behave. They will learn about marriage and how to behave by watching you and your wife. That will hurt them more in the future than staying married in a lousy relationship. 

Crazy is very often defined as doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. We are all crazy at times, but most of us learn from it. I advise that you do the same.


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## Bluesclues

baba1234 said:


> I was married to my ex wife for 7 years. we married very young (20 and 18). It wasn't a very stable marriage, specially at the end of the relationship. We were not happy. We constantly fought, hated each other, name calling, at one point it even got physical <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/frown.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Frown" ></a>. Along those years, we had two babies a boy (6) and a girl (9).
> 
> We divorced in December 2015 and move on. Till Feb of this year, I saw no reconciliation of the relationship. I tried to get to talk to her in getting back together last year but she choose not to.
> 
> 
> In Feb, 2018 she told me she wanted to get back to with, she misses, blah blah. I said I will not promise anything but will want to see if things has changed. She didn't want that. she wanted yes or no answer. If yes then come home tonight. I agreed and on the weekend I would stay at her place and take care of the kids while she went to work. Before that I was taking care of my kiddos at my place an hour away. I would drive every weekend to pick them up and drop them off.
> 
> I had a girl friend she was very easy to talk to. She was there for me. I broke up with her to move back <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/frown.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Frown" ></a> for my kiddios and for the sake of having a family again.
> 
> One day while she was got to work, I looked at her computer and noticed, she had a boyfriend that she was talking to till FEB of this year. She had a boyfriend all along. Here comes the worst part, I also saw that she was talking to one of my best friend. I know nothing sexually has happened btw them but I know they have talked for hours and saw a txt him saying "wanna see you when you come out of shower" her response "you crazy lol"......I have not confronted her. I haven't said anything to her yet. I want to do this logically. I am kinda emotional guy. At times, I feel like people use that against me.
> 
> Idk what to do. I hate going back to a life full of **** again. For me moving forward after the divorce was very difficult. I was out of my own home. I left the home so my kids and her have a place. I was very lonely (still am). I slept in car. I didn't have much money. I was a student.
> 
> Move forward with the ex wife, thinking and pretend nothing has happened or stuck with the decision that was made 3 years ago?


Wait, I am confused. She had a boyfriend until February when she wanted to get back with you and you had a girlfriend until February that you dumped to go back with your wife? Correct?

Are you saying she still has a boyfriend after February? Was the message from your “best friend” after you got back together or before?

She was allowed to have a boyfriend just like you had a girlfriend. And she could have dates your BFF if she wanted. I am not getting this.


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## sokillme

You had a girlfriend you could talk to to go back to drama? Makes no sense, go get counseling.


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## baba1234

Bluesclues said:


> Wait, I am confused. She had a boyfriend until February when she wanted to get back with you and you had a girlfriend until February that you dumped to go back with your wife? Correct?
> 
> Yes she had a boyfriend, until feb and early march. I feel like that didn't work and she wanted to be back with me.
> 
> Are you saying she still has a boyfriend after February? Was the message from your “best friend” after you got back together or before? The texting was before getting back. Either way, culturally it is very inappropriate to do that and it also says lots about someone to date your best friend.


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## Steve1000

Bluesclues said:


> Wait, I am confused. She had a boyfriend until February when she wanted to get back with you and you had a girlfriend until February that you dumped to go back with your wife? Correct?
> 
> Are you saying she still has a boyfriend after February? Was the message from your “best friend” after you got back together or before?
> 
> She was allowed to have a boyfriend just like you had a girlfriend. And she could have dates your BFF if she wanted. I am not getting this.


OP wanted to get back together with his ex for some time, but she didn't want to. There's a real possibility that OP's ex-wife suddenly wanted him back in February because her boyfriend didn't want her anymore. In any case, him immediately moving back in with her doesn't sound like a smart idea to me.


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## baba1234

Yes, we kinda of had a argument too. I hate the idea moving back in but love the idea of being with my kiddios under one roof. But don't want them to see mom and dad be upset or argue all the time. My daughter (9 years old) she remembers lots of those bad days we had. I hate to take her through the process again. 

She is very demanding at times. She already wants me to rent a bigger home, get her a ring (diamond), buy couple of other things. Overall, she is an awesome mom. I don't trust her as much now. Mostly she is very controlling. The other day I was in restaurant having lunch alone but she wanted to know where I was. She asked me to send my location etc (which I did). Which lead to an argument. But I am afraid it's the start. And have the potential to get big. Idk what to do. I am so confused and lost. lol. 

All I know is I don't want to go back to the life I decided years ago that I don't want to life. I want to be happy (happiness is internal, ya I know) and free. I should say in the past she has been huge source of stress. I just don't want to go back to that.


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## Tron

Nothing but red flags here. 

Stop ignoring what your brain and your gut are telling you.

She hasn't changed. She wasn't marriage material when you guys were together before and she isn't right now. 

She needs therapy. And a lot of it. 

You might try it too, because you sound like a quintessential "nice guy co-dependant". 

Do not move in with her. Do not buy her ****! 

What I do suggest is you tell her to find a good therapist, make sure she goes every week and after a year of that you guys will decide together whether to make a long term commitment or not. 

From the outside, this simply looks like another disaster waiting to happen. 

Your kids deserve better...

You deserve better.


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## Raffi

It definitely doesn't look good. I would recommend you at least try to talk to her about it before walking away. You may actually get something productive out of the conversation, or you may not - but if you don't, you might have a hard time down the road wondering if you really did everything you could to make it work. If she doesn't shut you down immediately, couples counseling would also be a great idea for the two of you.


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## Ynot

OP why are you even the least bit confused? You made a mistake once when you got married, and are now making another, even bigger mistake. Your ex is using as a live in baby sitter and now wants you to buy her things. It sounds to me like neither one of you did any self reflection after your marriage failed and are now stuck in a death spiral of insecurity. Go get counseling, take some time to find out about you, focus on you and become a better person. If you won't/can't do it for your self, then at least do it for your "kiddios" you keep talking about so much. They deserve at least one adult parent instead of the two forever stuck in teenage drama parents they have now.


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## Openminded

Children watch very carefully how their parents interact. And they can repeat that down the road in their own relationships. Do you want that?

You are her Plan B since Plan A didn't work out. You'll have a lifetime of her demands if you stay with her. If that's not what you want then you need to move on.


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## TJW

Openminded said:


> You are her Plan B since Plan A didn't work out. You'll have a lifetime of her demands if you stay with her.


That's one reason for all the recent demands. They are substitutionary, because of her "loss" of Plan A attracted-to guy.

There's no such thing as "Plan B attracted-to guy".... there's only "Plan B provider guy" ... and "Plan B babysitter guy".

BTDT.


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## baba1234

TJW said:


> That's one reason for all the recent demands. They are substitutionary, because of her "loss" of Plan A attracted-to guy.
> 
> There's no such thing as "Plan B attracted-to guy".... there's only "Plan B provider guy" ... and "Plan B babysitter guy".
> 
> BTDT.



Actually, I saw his picture. I am better looking and more successful.


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## baba1234

First of all, thank you so much all for the inputs. 

I really want to go to a for therapy. What kind of therapist should I be looking for? I am not a perfect person. Me personally been through lots and been hurt lots in the past and when I was a child. The other day I wrote on my vision board "I am prioritizing happiness and Fun". After thinking about it a little bit, I realized I don't even know what "fun" is. I felt like most of my life was spent pleasing others, working hard (even as child), and being married in miserable relationship (part was my fault). I am 32. 

I felt like I failed in married and love life. I am just so afraid to fail as a father. I moved cross country to be close to my kids, left all my fam and friends.


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## SentHereForAReason

baba1234 said:


> First of all, thank you so much all for the inputs.
> 
> I really want to go to a for therapy. What kind of therapist should I be looking for? I am not a perfect person. Me personally been through lots and been hurt lots in the past and when I was a child. The other day I wrote on my vision board "I am prioritizing happiness and Fun". After thinking about it a little bit, I realized I don't even know what "fun" is. I felt like most of my life was spent pleasing others, working hard (even as child), and being married in miserable relationship (part was my fault). I am 32.
> 
> I felt like I failed in married and love life. I am just so afraid to fail as a father. I moved cross country to be close to my kids, left all my fam and friends.


In terms of what counseling and what to look for. Start with this if you want my opinion. Look and see what counseling services your insurance covers locally. Once that's narrowed down, research the facilities and look at their websites. Usually you can see what the therapists specialize in and see what might fit you best and you can also let the facility know what you are going through, what you want help with and they can pair someone up with you, using their experience.


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## LTCNurse

baba1234 said:


> Me personally been through lots and been hurt lots in the past and when I was a child. The other day I wrote on my vision board "I am prioritizing happiness and Fun". After thinking about it a little bit, I realized I don't even know what "fun" is. I felt like most of my life was spent pleasing others, working hard (even as child), and being married in miserable relationship (part was my fault). I am 32.


Omg, you sound like me! If you want to be where I am in 20 years, keep giving yourself away. Your ex should always be your ex. Take time to figure out what YOU want and YOUR happiness while you parent. Find out what fun is the way YOU define it.


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## Openminded

It doesn't matter if you're better looking and more successful -- you're still Plan B. 

If you're okay with being Plan B with a controlling wife then carry on. But you aren't doing your children any favors by returning to her. They're observing all of that and likely will repeat it when they're adults.


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## Noble1

As mentioned, it does not matter what happened in the past.

The thing you need to think about is your future.

Your kids would be better served if you are happy and able to provide emotional and other support for them.

If that means you don't get back with your ex, then so be it.

From the sounds of things there is not much to go back to anyways.

Take some time and work on yourself and find out what you need for you and your kids.


Good luck.


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## BarbedFenceRider

THERAPY.....


You guys are constantly going in and out of negative cycles. And the arguing is NOT constructive to listening to each other and finding good communication. I would venture she also likes the idea of having a family and togetherness. Maybe something in both of your pasts gives some credence to this? But I feel that her sense of entitlement and your aggressive nature will be at odds with each other until you find mediation and clear counselling. Period. I am very sorry for your children. They will be affected by this, if not already.


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## Steve1000

baba1234 said:


> Actually, I saw his picture. I am better looking and more successful.


I believe you and there's a good chance that a majority of people would agree with you. However, there will be a percent of people who think that other guy is more attractive. Some years ago, when I was engaged to be married, I discovered that my fiance met a different man at about the same time she met me. He likely had more money than me and espoused more confidence than me, but he was 15 years older, extremely immature, and very short and chubby. My colleagues saw his photos and laughed. 

However, none of this mattered because for whatever reason, she obviously preferred him and I was her backup plan.


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## SentHereForAReason

Steve1000 said:


> I believe you and there's a good chance that a majority of people would agree with you. However, there will be a percent of people who think that other guy is more attractive. Some years ago, when I was engaged to be married, I discovered that my fiance met a different man at about the same time she met me. He likely had more money than me and espoused more confidence than me, but he was 15 years older, extremely immature, and very short and chubby. My colleagues saw his photos and laughed.
> 
> However, none of this mattered because for whatever reason, she obviously preferred him and I was her backup plan.


Yup, it's all about what the WW gets out of the other man. For my STBXW, it is his charm, his spontaneity, his saying whatever is on his mind and what he wants and frankly, probably his age and experience. He's 13 years older than me, about 4-5 inches shorter, bit of a beer belly and I'm sure I could play him in any sport of physical activity and beat him with one leg and arm tied up but whatever he had that I didn't, as mentioned earlier, it was worth my STBXW forsaking our marriage and calling it quits.


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## Steve1000

stillfightingforus said:


> Yup, it's all about what the WW gets out of the other man. For my STBXW, it is his charm, his spontaneity, his saying whatever is on his mind and what he wants and frankly, probably his age and experience. He's 13 years older than me, about 4-5 inches shorter, bit of a beer belly and I'm sure I could play him in any sport of physical activity and beat him with one leg and arm tied up but whatever he had that I didn't, as mentioned earlier, it was worth my STBXW forsaking our marriage and calling it quits.


Sounds like we're talking about the same guy. Bastard!


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## baba1234

k. Told her the other day that I am not interested in getting back together, due to the fight and the tendency of old habits creeping up. she was somewhat upset. 

It just gets lonely and now I feel like I made a mistake. It is more convenient to be under one room and be with my kids (instead of driving one hour to pick them up). idk what to do . I am a confused. I have more feelings about my ex girlfriend than I do for my ex wife. Now my ex gal don't want to do anything with me either. lol I so deserved it. She is still good friend and supportive but don't want to get back now.


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## baba1234

Still cannot make a decision. She really wants me to make a decision to either move forward or don't. So last night I did a "do it cause" and "don't do it cause". The answer is so obvious but still struggling to make the decision. 

Do it because... 
- My kids and will have family again 
- I don' have to take care of the kids alone
- Kids will be happy (maybe)
- She is kind to kids
- She is good looking
- She cares for her kids and home
- I will be less lonely 
- Convenience 
- Gaves me a second chance to be the best husband
- she could be trust worthy

DON"T do it because.... 
- you cannot change someone's attitude or a person (unless they really want it)
- We have little connect and love
- Recent fights
- Talking with my best friend while I was gone(who is also married) 
- She could be controlling and jealous 
- she don't value my goals and dreams
- It seems like she don't respect me or my values
- she could be dramatic
- she could be needy and hard to deal with
- Very hard for us to communicate 
- she could be materialistic 
- old triggers exists 

I am realizing I cannot make the decisions due to fears. My fears are 
1. The fear of not finding someone else (I am terrible with gals) 
2. The fear of my kids hating me for not working things out with their mom
3. The fear of being lonely
4 The fear of going through another divorce with the same person. 
5. The fear of making the wrong decision. 

What would you do to surpass or ease the fears and make the decision? thanks


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## BluesPower

baba1234 said:


> Still cannot make a decision. She really wants me to make a decision to either move forward or don't. So last night I did a "do it cause" and "don't do it cause". The answer is so obvious but still struggling to make the decision.
> 
> Do it because...
> - My kids and will have family again
> - I don' have to take care of the kids alone
> - Kids will be happy (maybe)
> - She is kind to kids
> - She is good looking
> - She cares for her kids and home
> - I will be less lonely
> - Convenience
> - Gaves me a second chance to be the best husband
> - she could be trust worthy
> 
> DON"T do it because....
> - you cannot change someone's attitude or a person (unless they really want it)
> - We have little connect and love
> - Recent fights
> - Talking with my best friend while I was gone(who is also married)
> - She could be controlling and jealous
> - she don't value my goals and dreams
> - It seems like she don't respect me or my values
> - she could be dramatic
> - she could be needy and hard to deal with
> - Very hard for us to communicate
> - she could be materialistic
> - old triggers exists
> 
> I am realizing I cannot make the decisions due to fears. My fears are
> 1. The fear of not finding someone else (I am terrible with gals)
> 2. The fear of my kids hating me for not working things out with their mom
> 3. The fear of being lonely
> 4 The fear of going through another divorce with the same person.
> 5. The fear of making the wrong decision.
> 
> What would you do to surpass or ease the fears and make the decision? thanks


I am sure that this will do no good, but here goes...

Are you freaking kidding me with this stuff? You know this woman was cheating on you before the divorce, she does not love you in the least, to is a horrible person. 

You would be far better off being alone and raising you kids by yourself than you would be with this women. 

Why don't you just MAN up, stop living in fantasy land, and move on from this woman... And grow up while you are at it, please for the sake of your children...


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## baba1234

BluesPower said:


> I am sure that this will do no good, but here goes...
> 
> Are you freaking kidding me with this stuff? You know this woman was cheating on you before the divorce, she does not love you in the least, to is a horrible person.
> 
> You would be far better off being alone and raising you kids by yourself than you would be with this women.
> 
> Why don't you just MAN up, stop living in fantasy land, and move on from this woman... And grow up while you are at it, please for the sake of your children...


She was not cheating on me. I did know where people got this cheating from. We had a dysfunctional marriage that led to divorce.


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## Marc878

You can't make a decision you'll continue to wallow in this.


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