# Separated 1 month. Married 15. Can't control myself



## sgm9 (Sep 17, 2010)

My wife moved out 1 month ago to her parents house. She has stated that I have pushed her away for our entire marriage and she no longer loves me. I've said some really stupid things and it has even gotten physical on two occasions. I really hate saying that because I am so ashamed of them. 

The physical aspects were not me going after her and by no means was it a action I felt rage through. The first was during an argument, I was ignoring my wife because I did not want to argue anymore, I had a tendency to do that during arguments. My wife began to hit me on the shoulder repeatedly. After a half dozen or so, I turned around quickly and pushed her against the wall and told her to stop hitting me. I removed my hand from her and walked away. She was not hurt physically in any way, however, my reaction scared her and weighed on her mind. The second physical action was during another argument several months later. I was trying to walk away during the argument, and my wife was doing all she could to restrain me. She began to dig her nails into my arms. At this point I attempted to get her to let go and as she ungrasped my arms I was making a pushing motion. She feel to the ground and sprained her wrist. At that moment my heart sank. I was still emotional from the argument, however, immediately ran to get her ice. I was very worried about her wrist, but because of the argument was not thinking clearly and said that it was her fault. It took me about a week following the event to own up to my actions and realize that my actions are my actions. 

My wife have also had other arguments. In my arguments I tend to say things I really don't mean and I say them in a very loud voice. This has really hurt my wife. After the fight in Feb. where she sprained her wrist, I had a huge eye opening moment. I knew I needed to change my ways. She had asked to go to counseling, however, because I already realized that I needed to change, I said we didn't need to go because I didn't need their help (stupid usual guy response). I believed that I was improving in my communication and definitely working on my yelling.

In June we took a 2 1/2 week vacation where we were with each other every second of every day. The day after the end of the trip my wife said to me, "I feel like that really helped our relationship". I had still always been worrying about where our relationship stood following the Feb. fight, but when she said that, I felt some relief that we were on the right track and I was glad. 

Two weeks later I accepted a new job. This was going to be an amazing opportunity, as my previous job caused me a lot of stress and I felt useless so I pursued other tasks after work many days a week in an attempt to feel useful professionally. This took time away from me and my wife. I was really excited to be starting the job and I thought my wife was too. The first day of my job I called my wife to go grab a drink after work. I had noticed the weekend before that she was a little distant. So I asked her what was going on. She dropped the bomb. She said she has been so unhappy and that she is seriously thinking about a divorce. I was so caught off guard. I couldn't imagine that she could be so unhappy and be so serious about a divorce. I didn't know how to react. At the time I felt betrayed and lied to. I thought each time she said I love you and embraced me, that meant she wanted to be with me. For the week after she told me I didn't know how to react. I didn't know what to say. I said some things that I didn't mean in a reverse psychological way. This backfired. The next weekend she moved out. 

I had to give her an ultimatum to go to counselling. We went to one couples session and she went to a single session. I have been to 5 sessions in the last month as she refuses to continue marriage counselling. I have such anxiety every day. I can't stop thinking about her and all I want to do is fix this. I think of so many things to do every day. I call her, text her and I even showed up with flowers at her work the past monday. None of these have gone over well. She has already begun the paperwork process. I've ready "Boundries", "The 5 Love Languages" and they have been amazing resources. I feel more anxious now though because I feel as if I can't show her the things I have learned and the desire I have to be a better man to her. I love her more than anything but am so afraid that my sometimes daily calls are pushing her away. How can I control my anxiety and my emotions. I'm such a wreck. I'm not a crying guy, but I've cried almost every day since she has been gone.


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## sgm9 (Sep 17, 2010)

So additional details. She has been 'talking' to this guy who is a friend of ours. We knew him in college and we hang out with him every once in a when he is in town. I found out a couple weeks ago when paying the cell phone bill that she has been calling and texting him a lot. Since August. I called her out and she said they were just friends. Then, tonight, I thought about that and looked at my July cell bill, guess what, been calling and texting him since July 11. I have been given this guilt trip about how everything I've done (still agree she didn't deserve it), has pushed her away and that the weight of that has caused her to make her decision. I'm thinking this is a lot more the case. Thoughts? And what should I do? I'm pretty pissed off right now.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

She may be having an emotional affair with this guy. If she is getting emotional support from him, she may have convinced herself that the grass will be greener if she leaves the marriage.

Love Languages is a great book, but at this stage trying to push yourself on her may do more damage than good. 'Not "Just Friends"' would be a good read...it explains friendships and when they cross the line into something more.

I can understand you being upset, but I'd advise keeping those emotions to yourself. The only way back to her will be through patience and understanding on your part. Anger and arguing will only push her further away and prove her point for leaving in the first place.


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## sgm9 (Sep 17, 2010)

I've decided to back away from her for a while. I know she has basically started the divorce process, but I'm still holding out hope for her to delay it for just a little while and allow me to show her that I want to do the things she needs me to do and that I have neglected to do. 

I know that she is very afraid of not "making a mistake" regarding letting me in to show her I can do it right so she is being very strong willed about it all and it doesn't help she has this guy distracting her with how green the grass is.

Thanks for your reply.


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## sgm9 (Sep 17, 2010)

So I can't report that anything has gotten better. Not initiating conversation with her has helped me a little get used to not needing it. While that feeling of not being able to just pick the phone up and talk to her still sucks, I have gotten more used to it and it doesn't cause me the anxiety that it used to, as much anyway.

I've continued going to counselling and trying to educate myself regarding how to be a better person. All the advice I've gotten from people is to look at improving myself during this time. I've been working out, eating better and even started training for a half-marathon. The counselling is an amazing thing as I never realized how nice it is to just opening communicate regarding my feelings. Letting go of vulnerability has really been nice. 

My separated wife still communicates with her emotional affair, however, says it is less. She has gone from 100% sure of this to 99.999% sure of going through with the divorce. I'm happy for this, however, I don't take it with much as the reason she said was a little bit discouraging. She seems to be wish-washing when trying to explain it. I can understand that as she is still working through it, but I wish she would give up her emotional affair and I feel as long as she doesn't do that, she won't ever be able to make a decision to stay. 

She doesn't trust me, which I understand, and she is questioning what love is as she feels as if what we had wasn't love because of how I acted at times. I don't agree with that only because the problems we had were situational and many came down to just common communication that we both need to work on. All the other times in the last 6 years we've been together have been great. She has been oddly interested what I've been doing lately. Asking about conversations I've had with friends, probing regarding sessions with the counselor and asking how it made me feel about us after talking to her step-dad (I'm very close with him). 

The last three days we have had conversations about our relationship. It has been very confusing for me. She still refuses to go to counselling when I ask as she feels she is too busy. I don't push it, but I truly feel like it will help her better made a decision. Talking to her, especially today when she wanted to have lunch, left me very anxious as she questioned our love being real, and her ability to gain trust. I had been getting through those anxious moments better, but today really through me for a loop and I'm struggling focusing at work again. 

Just an update. Nothing new to update except that I've made some really good realizations and been focused on being a better person. I'm taking the route of being a better 1) Person, 2) Man, 3) Husband.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, it does sound as though you are making improvements on yourself. That's great! Hopefully your wife will notice these changes. Your wife is probably under the influence of an emotional affair. You may have to wait for the "new" to wear off of it before you can see any big improvements. The best thing at this point is to just stall the divorce. How about this "friend" she has been communicating with? Is he married?

Since you found "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman to be helpful, you might find "Hope for the Separated" to be useful. It is written by the same author and has great advice on what to do during separation.


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## sgm9 (Sep 17, 2010)

He is not married. He is actually a "friend" of both of ours. He isn't local, so they have just been exchanging texts and phone calls, but I do worry that he might come in town or she might go there and that thought is on my mind a lot. Because I've tried to create space, I don't know what she is doing, but the mind can be a horrible thing when it begins to wander. 

I've read that already and his book on Anger too. I actually go her a copy of "Hope..." which she read. Said she felt like staying would be the easier choice, but I told her that it wouldn't be. I've actually read/listened to about 8-9 books regarding relationships during this time. I'm excited about the passion that I've found in doing this and the passion I have for her...I just hope that she comes around to that too, but the trust is going to be a big hurdle for her and I know that.


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