# Where to go from here?



## positivevibes11 (2 mo ago)

First time posting! Long story, but I will try to keep it as brief as possible. 

My wife and I have 2 children, and have been together for 20 years, and married for over 18. My wife suffers from major depression, which comes and goes over time. She has had several deep depressive episodes in the past, which were due to lack of medication (her choice at the time), or prior to fully understanding what was going on with her mentally. During those times, she had three different emotional affairs. The only physical part of these EA were kissing. They were all short-lived, as I discovered them through her actions toward me. Each time, she would become very distant from me, very short tempered and irritable, and despising everything about her life. The EA's provided a fantasy for her to grab onto, which helped her feel better during depressive episodes. The 3rd EA was 4 years ago, and by that time it didn't really even upset me, as I saw what had happened with another depressive episode. Again, since they were short-lived and not physical, I opted to work with her through it and supported her as she got treatment for depression. The past 4 years have overall been great. We have a great relationship overall. We support each other at all times, have a good sex life, and rarely argue about anything. However, she has always stated that she has a very low libido, and sex really isn't her thing. I've always been quite the opposite, so over time I gradually began letting her be the one to initiate sex most of the time.

November of last year, I left a very stressful job that had become so over the past 2 years. Afterward, I seemed to have sort of a PTSD and would obsess over things such as our teenage daughter's anxiety issues, and some projects that we were having completed on our house by a contractor. I recognized that it was a problem, and it seemed to send my wife into a depressive episode. I signed up to begin seeing a counselor, and offered for her as well, but she refused. From May of this year until a few weeks ago, I did notice some period of times where she seemed somewhat distant from me, but nothing like in the past. She also began drinking wine more often, which I kept discussing with her how it concerned me that it was possibly increasing her depression. She denied that there was anyone else, but just would go through what she termed as a "funk" on occasion. These were very short-lived periods, and she would seem to be fine for weeks at a time. In the past 2 months, I noticed her sex drive increasing quite a bit, plus she began wanting us to do positions that she's never mentioned before. This surprised me, but it was a good surprise. I really didn't think much of it. 

One day in October, she texted me when I was at work to let me know that she was going to a nearby town to shop and have some time to herself, as our kids were away at friend's houses. Later that day, she texted me to let me know that she would be later on in the day getting home. My MIL called me to ask if I had heard from her, and how upset she was. I called her to check on her and she seemed very upset, and somewhat tipsy. She said that she was having a very bad day, and just didn't want to live anymore. She mentioned wanting to just "swallow a bottle of pills and end it". This struck me as odd, but not all that surprising. I told her to stop that talk immediately, or I would get her to the hospital. She apologized and just said it was a bad/sad day. She said that one of her friend/co-workers was coming down to join her for a while since she was upset, then they were getting our kids and going to movies later in the evening. When they got home that evening, she went straight to bed and seemed to be quite drunk. She said that she had only taken a Xanax. I knew that there was likely more than that.

She fell asleep with her phone playing on a calming video, which kept the screen from locking. Being concerned about what she might have taken or drank, I looked at her messages. I found where she had messaged her friend about coming where she was because she was crying, and that "she broke it off with John because he is a d***, and always puts her last. He only meets with her on his terms, and always rushes them. She is done with him". This blew me away, but was not really that surprising. I continued to read through the texts and screenshot them. The next day, I confronted her about them, and she informed me who it was. It was a father of one of our children's friends. He had text her in the past more than me with communications regarding the kids, but I never really thought much of it. I later found out that it had been a physical affair, where they had sex four times. There was also kissing and oral sex on other occasions, but only 4 sexual encounters over a 5 month period. She swore that she was not emotionally attached to him at all, that it was purely physical and she hated him. She had also broke it off several times during the 5 month period, but he would always contact her and start things up again. 

I can tell that this is totally different from the past emotional affairs, since she is begging and pleading with me to not divorce her. She has cried, texted me all throughout the day, and apologized hundreds of times over the past month. I told her that I'm not sure what I want to do at this point, but have been talking to her. I asked her for a lot of details of the affair, which were gut-wrenching, but it has helped me see the entire picture. She states that it was purely the thrill and excitement of it that lured her into it during her depressive episode, and really had nothing to do with him as an individual. She even described how he had ED during 2 of the encounters, but seemed to have taken viagra during the other two, which were at hotels for approx. 30 min. during the daytime. I looked back through our texts over the past 5 months and could see the signs, and when she was with him. Her story added up based on that. 

She has changed her phone number and broken all contact with him. But, he does live nearby and we both have to pass his house every day. I've discussed this with her, and she says that she doesn't even think about him because he was never anything to her. The problem is, I don't know if I can ever get these thoughts out of my head of them physically being together. Plus, this is in addition to the 3 EA's, even though they were years ago. My oldest child, who is 16, came to me to let me know that she overheard and was basically aware of what was going on. My wife had also told her about the 3rd EA 4 years ago. Surprisingly, she told me that I should divorce her because I deserved better. I explained to her that I wasn't going to make any quick decision, but everything was on the table at this point. 

Being that my wife suffers from depression, and is 1000% remorseful and begging me not to leave her, would it be incredibly stupid of me to consider trying to work on things with her? We have an appointment setup for couple's therapy after the first of the year, but I have also begun gathering info for divorce options as well. We have had a great relationship when she isn't depressed, so I feel horrible for leaving her while she is trying to improve herself and is begging me to stay. I've mentioned that I feel like the safety, security, and comfort guy, while she goes out and bangs some d***head with wild, passionate sex. As is typical in these situations, she did a lot more with him than what we typically do sexually. She attributes it to the "newness" and thrill/excitement of the situation. When I ask her how would I believe that she wouldn't just go and do it again, she replies that she's never felt so close to losing me and her family, and it has torn her apart. She would never do anything like this again to risk losing everything. Being that I do still love her and have a long history with her, this has me in a very tough spot.


----------



## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

1. Go 180 on her
2. Get an STD test
3. No hysterical bonding/sex with her
4. Move her to another bedroom or to her mother's
5. Retain an attorney, file divorce papers (you can stop divorce at anyvtime)
6. Inform the wife of the affair partner

Your wife is a serial cheater and is for the streets.


----------



## positivevibes11 (2 mo ago)

We've had STD tests and all were negative. I have used 180 in the past after the EA's, so I am pretty good at it. Sex has been cut off. I told her to not even kiss me, because all I think of is his d*** and it disgusts me. I have separated sleeping with her, and I have spoke to an attorney, but haven't retained him yet. 

The concern with the wife of the affair partner is that through our kids, it would blow up and get back to my daughter about who the affair partner is. My wife was concerned that my daughter would hate her if she knew who it is. Although, I would like nothing more than for his wife to know. I feel bad that she doesn't.


----------



## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

positivevibes11 said:


> We've had STD tests and all were negative. I have used 180 in the past after the EA's, so I am pretty good at it. Sex has been cut off. I told her to not even kiss me, because all I think of is his d*** and it disgusts me. I have separated sleeping with her, and I have spoke to an attorney, but haven't retained him yet.
> 
> The concern with the wife of the affair partner is that through our kids, it would blow up and get back to my daughter about who the affair partner is. My wife was concerned that my daughter would hate her if she knew who it is. Although, I would like nothing more than for his wife to know. I feel bad that she doesn't.


You are delusional if you think this can be rug swept and kept secret from your daughter. Only truth destroys lies. His wife deserves to know. She needs her agency. Light defeats darkness.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

His poor wife deserves to know. 
There is severe depression in my family but guess what, no one cheated. Dont blame the depression for her terrible choices.
After at least 4 affairs I honestly can't see how she can be trusted at all. Even your daughter wants you to end the marriage.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Yeah those 180’s were so effective she had more EAs and then a PA. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around how you could even for one second consider staying with a serial cheater. Passive guys get cheated on… in your case again and again. So what does that tell you about how well you have handled all of this?

If you don’t divorce you will just get more of the same in the future…. hell you already are

Even your daughter knows what you should do.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

As far as you know your wife has had five affairs and you are asking whether you should divorce her or not.
You are incredibly weak. And naïve.


----------



## positivevibes11 (2 mo ago)

Well, when my daughter came to me wanting to know what all was going on, I told her just the basics of everything. She never asked who it was, and I didn't offer up that info. 

The AP's child was in a relationship with my daughter that went through a nasty breakup. My daughter can't stand him. Plus, if it came to light and the kids found out, my daughter would suffer tremendous fallout at school. So, I'm mostly protecting her from all of that. I realize that the risk of it eventually getting out is still very high.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You need to expose this POS to his betrayed wife. It’s obvious from your WW’s text to her friend that she cut the guy off because she wanted more from him. So much for him having ED, huh? I wouldn’t be surprised if he broke it off with her and she’s saying she ended it to save face with her friend. The reason to expose him is for him not to later come back for more. It is very common for an AP to come sniffing back after a few months for another hookup. So if he’s exposed, his wife will be watching him like a hawk, so he won’t dare go after your WW again. Also, it would be good if she confronts your wife to give her a piece of her mind. Since you’re not willing to make sure she faces any consequences, let her face some shame. Also let her family know what she’s done. Not in a your daughter/sister is a who.. but in a help me save the marriage way.


----------



## bygone (11 mo ago)

your marriage is a chain of excuses

I was surprised by your self-convincing methods, and when you were talking about your wife, I thought you were putting your own personality problems on her.

Now you're trying to convince yourself and think about how to put your wife on her pedestal.

Your wife doesn't feel guilty about having an affair with someone close to your children, close to your home, close to your daughter.

It bothered her that the guy didn't put her on the pedestal the way you did, she was mourning her relationship that day and would have slept with him again in a few days if you hadn't noticed.

you have a lot to think about

I didn't want to write any more


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Direct involvement of the kids in affair really sucks, destroying your kids social network for her own jollies.

You really have to expose the affair, there has to be consequences or this will keep happening. Your daughter can decide for herself if she hates WW and OM. Both of them have lost their right to a reputation.

In many cases where the OM is close by and familiar people just have to move away.

I would also go back and expose the EAs from before.

My guess about the OM is that he has done this to other families a few times before, you might think of him as a caring, benevolent and thoughtful person, but that's the appearance OMs who prey on Moms put on. 

Your kids should get to spank your WW and ground her for a year.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

positivevibes11 said:


> The concern with the wife of the affair partner is that through our kids, it would blow up and get back to my daughter about who the affair partner is. *My wife was concerned that my daughter would hate her if she knew who it is.*


Seriously???? Your wife blew up her right to be concerned about anything when she cheated. And you're trying to use your kids as an excuse. This is about adults behaving badly. If your wife was so damned concerned about what your daughter would feel, she should have thought about that before she cheated.

You'll either regain your manhood and kick your rotten wife to the curb, or you'll stay and try to make it work. Why you would want this dumpster fire to continue is something I cannot fathom.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

positivevibes11 said:


> Well, when my daughter came to me wanting to know what all was going on, I told her just the basics of everything. She never asked who it was, and I didn't offer up that info.
> 
> The AP's child was in a relationship with my daughter that went through a nasty breakup. My daughter can't stand him. Plus, if it came to light and the kids found out, my daughter would suffer tremendous fallout at school. So, I'm mostly protecting her from all of that. I realize that the risk of it eventually getting out is still very high.


You are trying to say that your own conflict avoidant personality is actually concern for your daughter. Any excuse will do as long as you don’t have to actually do something about this serial cheat that you married. 
Don’t try and make yourself out as a concerned parent who suffers for the sake of his children. You are a weak man.
Your daughter needs at least one strong parent in her life.


----------



## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Your daughter needs at least one strong parent in her life


Strong and moral parent.....


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

positivevibes11 said:


> We've had STD tests and all were negative. I have used 180 in the past after the EA's, so I am pretty good at it. Sex has been cut off. I told her to not even kiss me, because all I think of is his d*** and it disgusts me. I have separated sleeping with her, and I have spoke to an attorney, but haven't retained him yet.
> 
> The concern with the wife of the affair partner is that through our kids, it would blow up and get back to my daughter about who the affair partner is. My wife was concerned that my daughter would hate her if she knew who it is. Although, I would like nothing more than for his wife to know. I feel bad that she doesn't.


Honestly, why do you care about your wife's concerns? *The man's wife deserves to know. * Full stop. In fact, since your wife wants to stay, how about making HER call the man's wife and inform her that they had an affair. On speaker so you can hear. Your daughter (and his kids) will eventually find out all about it and who he is anyway. Didn't you say your daughter knew about her mother's other transgressions. Kids are a lot smarter than parents think they are.

So she had 3 EAs and one PA (THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT) in 18 years of marriage. You know about the PA only by accident. She didn't tell you on her own. If she hadn't left her phone open, she might still be doing him off and on.

I am sorry, you have a serial cheater on your hands. She is probably depressed because she doesn't like the person she is. You are right, you are the safe stable. stay-at-home husband so she can meet a guy who has ED in some seedy notel hotel in another town.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jsmart said:


> So if he’s exposed, his wife will be watching him like a hawk, so he won’t dare go after your WW again.


I think when OP exposes OM he ought to tell OM "you can have WW, I don't want her anymore. She is used merchandise".


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

positivevibes11 said:


> First time posting! Long story, but I will try to keep it as brief as possible.
> 
> My wife and I have 2 children, and have been together for 20 years, and married for over 18. My wife suffers from major depression, which comes and goes over time. She has had several deep depressive episodes in the past, which were due to lack of medication (her choice at the time), or prior to fully understanding what was going on with her mentally. During those times, she had three different emotional affairs. The only physical part of these EA were kissing. They were all short-lived, as I discovered them through her actions toward me. Each time, she would become very distant from me, very short tempered and irritable, and despising everything about her life. The EA's provided a fantasy for her to grab onto, which helped her feel better during depressive episodes. The 3rd EA was 4 years ago, and by that time it didn't really even upset me, as I saw what had happened with another depressive episode. Again, since they were short-lived and not physical, I opted to work with her through it and supported her as she got treatment for depression. The past 4 years have overall been great. We have a great relationship overall. We support each other at all times, have a good sex life, and rarely argue about anything. However, she has always stated that she has a very low libido, and sex really isn't her thing. I've always been quite the opposite, so over time I gradually began letting her be the one to initiate sex most of the time.
> 
> ...


Your wife is a serial cheater who hides behind depression. This will never change. Ever. If you stay, it will be rinse and repeat every few years for the rest of your lives. 

That’s it sir. That’s all she wrote. You can face reality and either accept she will never be faithful and figure out what to do with that. Or you can live in fantasy land and believe she can change, and still get cheated on. Those are your choices. There is no fairytale ending for you if you stay with her. Subsequent times will hurt even more because you’ll also hate yourself in equal measure for staying.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are a very talented man.
You are.

You can dance around the truth.

You can twist words into pretzels, making your wife a victim of her own madness.

Yes, her madness is real, and your mad for tolerating this behavior of hers.

You are good at analyzing things.
Analyze why she must leave your life.

You need not hate her, you need to leave her.

She is flawed, and what are you for staying?


Let the Good Lord deal with her.

Though, it will likely be her next landlord that must keep her leg lease closed.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

4 affairs, one of which you know for sure was physical. How long do you plan on continuing this cycle? You're married to a serial cheater. It's time to look after your own well being. Listen to your daughter and get clear of this woman.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

positivevibes11 said:


> Plus, if it came to light and the kids found out, my daughter would suffer tremendous fallout at school. So, I'm mostly protecting her from all of that.


It sounds like you have it all figured out. Just rug sweep everything, pretend like it didn't happen, and go on with your lives. The problem will not go away, and it will get worse. But at least you don't have to worry about what the neighbors think.

Don't miss the sarcasm. She can do anything she wants and blame it on depression. I get depressed, but I keep my pants on.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Irredeemable cheater. You were indeed her #2, which is why she worked to impress him more sexually. Find someone who will consider you #1 and live a happy life.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’ve been noticing with men posting on here about their serial cheating wives that nearly all of the wives are “majorly depressed.” This reason/excuse keeps these men in these toxic marriages, it seems.

OP - don’t be afraid to divorce your wife. She will keep manipulating you for the rest of your life if you let her.😔


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> I’ve been noticing with men posting on here about their serial cheating wives that nearly all of the wives are “majorly depressed.” This reason/excuse keeps these men in these toxic marriages, it seems.
> 
> OP - don’t be afraid to divorce your wife. She will keep manipulating you for the rest of your life if you let her.😔


Either depressed or have bipolar or PTSD. None of which are any excuse to cheat.


----------



## CrapMan (7 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Either depressed or have bipolar or PTSD. None of which are any excuse to cheat.


Give him the 2x4 treatment ladies! I applaud you!


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Once a cheater, always a cheater. This isn’t going to be her last ride.

Why in the world are you staying with a cheater?

She is lying through her teeth, she cared enough to start f’n him and doing things with him she has never done with you.

The ONLY reason she doesn’t what you to divorce and expose her is to keep her reputation. It has nothing to do with loving you. Depression doesn’t cause someone to cheat. No real love for the spouse and no character is the reason people cheat.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

positivevibes11 said:


> We've had STD tests and all were negative. I have used 180 in the past after the EA's, so I am pretty good at it. Sex has been cut off. I told her to not even kiss me, because all I think of is his d*** and it disgusts me. I have separated sleeping with her, and I have spoke to an attorney, but haven't retained him yet.
> 
> The concern with the wife of the affair partner is that through our kids, it would blow up and get back to my daughter about who the affair partner is. My wife was concerned that my daughter would hate her if she knew who it is. Although, I would like nothing more than for his wife to know. I feel bad that she doesn't.


You might talk with the other betrayed spouse about protecting your daughter and her son when you tell her. She will more then likely do everything in her power to help keep the truth from them both.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

One last thing, the friend she was confiding in has to go.


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

ABHale said:


> One last thing, the friend she was confiding in has to go.


And take the wife with her! To answer OPs question of where to go from here…. Divorce court.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

BootsAndJeans said:


> 1. Go 180 on her
> 2. Get an STD test
> 3. No hysterical bonding/sex with her
> 4. Move her to another bedroom or to her mother's
> ...





positivevibes11 said:


> We've had STD tests and all were negative. I have used 180 in the past after the EA's, so I am pretty good at it. Sex has been cut off. I told her to not even kiss me, because all I think of is his d*** and it disgusts me. I have separated sleeping with her, and I have spoke to an attorney, but haven't retained him yet.
> 
> The concern with the wife of the affair partner is that through our kids, it would blow up and get back to my daughter about who the affair partner is. My wife was concerned that my daughter would hate her if she knew who it is. Although, I would like nothing more than for his wife to know. I feel bad that she doesn't.


Whoa Nellie!!! His wife MUST know. Does not matter a flying **** what your wife is concerned about. 

Secondly, I will bet the farm that this was not your wife’s first PA.
she needs to be in IC and so do you. There is more to her side of the story IMHO.


----------



## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

While you seem to have taken the majority of steps usually recommended here, I do not sense the level of anger or distress that many people in your situation show.
I would think that your wife's depressive history and the fact that you have children at home are good reasons for considering couples therapy in preference to any drastic action. As couples therapy progresses you will get a better understanding of your wife's motivation and attitude towards -both- marriage and you. This better understanding will clarify your feelings and provide you with the rage needed to go on to divorce, or the acceptance of your wife as she is, warts and all.


----------



## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

positivevibes11 said:


> he does live nearby and we both have to pass his house every day.


If I woke up in your shoes, I would drive the wife over to the AP's house, knock on the door and stand there and make your wife tell the AP's wife what she has done. Seriously dude, there has to be some consequences.


----------



## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Whoa Nellie!!! His wife MUST know. Does not matter a flying **** what your wife is concerned about.
> 
> Secondly, I will bet the farm that this was not your wife’s first PA.
> she needs to be in IC and so do you. There is more to her side of the story IMHO.


THIS, absolutely this. 
And lawyer up, just in case. And divide assetes, so she can not go plundering..


----------



## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

I wonder when/ if this man, the OP, is ever going to wake up to see that he is married to an abuser. For whatever unhealthy reasons, he seems to be perfectly ok with this.
You seem to lack perspective on exactly how abused you are. Take steps to get away from your wife, permanently. She will, undoubtedly, shorten your life.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Megaforce said:


> I wonder when/ if this man, the OP, is ever going to wake up to see that he is married to an abuser. For whatever unhealthy reasons, he seems to be perfectly ok with this.
> You seem to lack perspective on exactly how abused you are. Take steps to get away from your wife, permanently. She will, undoubtedly, shorten your life.


He believes she’s “majorly depressed,” and somehow that is why she’s cheating. 

Funny though, she snaps out of her depression when she’s with other men.


----------



## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> He believes she’s “majorly depressed,” and somehow that is why she’s cheating.
> 
> Funny though, she snaps out of her depression when she’s with other men.


This acceptance of depression as the cause of her cheating is delusional. I suspect the willingness to accept this is volitional, used to avoid facing what is obviously true about his wife: she is an entitled narcissist who has zero love or empathy for him. 4 times, for God's sake. No normal person could inflict this multiple times as she has. She is sadistic.


----------



## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Hi OP.


> As is typical in these situations, she did a lot more with him than what we typically do sexually. She attributes it to the "newness" and thrill/excitement of the situation.


So sorry for you, no husband should ever have to deal with that. I understand what you're saying you have a 20 year history with her, children with her, and you're a caring husband who wants to look after a depressed wife. That's on one side of this.

On the other side she's cheated several times. I think there's every chance she's going to cheat on you again in the future. At this point why shouldn't we conclude this is who she is, a user - uses you for stability, seeks out Chad and Tyrone for sexy times. Perhaps when she's 55? 60? 65? she might age out of the urge to f*ck other men, you could play that waiting game. And until then, the price of maintaining your 20 year marriage, understand this with your eyes wide open - you'll likely have a one-sided open marriage. You'll be playing parent chasing after your misbehaving teenager of a wife trying to get her to behave. All wrapped up in concern and guilt about her depression and whatever else she's telling you has caused her to cheat.

From what you've told us OP, what else can we conclude? 

There's a chance that this time you waving Divorce in her face is going to be her come-to-Jesus moment to snap her out of lying, cheating, cruelty. I think odds are against you if you take that bet.


----------



## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

SnowToArmPits said:


> Hi OP.
> 
> So sorry for you, no husband should ever have to deal with that. I understand what you're saying you have a 20 year history with her, children with her, and you're a caring husband who wants to look after a depressed wife. That's on one side of this.
> 
> ...


This sums it up, I fear.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

One time is a lapse in judgement, 5 times is a pattern. And it’s escalating if she’s picked the dad of your child’s friend. What’s next, your brother?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

bygone said:


> It bothered her that the guy didn't put her on the pedestal the way you did, she was mourning her relationship that day and would have slept with him again in a few days if you hadn't noticed.


This is exactly correct.

John set the times up to suit him.
It was obviously it was only the intercourse, that he wanted.

She wanted the romance and the foreplay.

Had she gotten that, her affair would not have willingly ended.

Umm.


----------



## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

@positivevibes11 Oh man... sorry you find yourself here... Your case is very similar to mine, although my XW developed the "depression" once her _fantasy world_ came crashing down (and the other man dumped her). I've been seeing a psychologist who told me that some people hide their cheating behind psychological issues, one being depression. In my case, my wife was a serial cheater and every stone I turned, when doing research, uncovered a new cheating partner so I had to stop. Be careful with trying to get to the bottom of things because you may find deeply troubling stuff, like finding out you've been living with someone you barely know for the past 30 years.

F her depression now. Start the 180 and let her deal with her issues by herself. You have to... she's effectively Frankenstein-isez you: loved you as a father, a resource-provider and someone to come home to once she's been satisfied sexually. It's pathetic I know, but that's who you're dealing with.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Luckylucky said:


> One time is a lapse in judgement, 5 times is a pattern. And it’s escalating if she’s picked the dad of your child’s friend. What’s next, your brother?


By cheating with the dad of her own child's friend she has greatly risked totally messing up the child's friendship as well as her family. So very selfish.
I agree with the others, the man's wife must be told. Your wife is in no position to dictate what you are to do or not do.


----------



## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

What are you doing????
are you enjoying your marriage????

do you really think she is ever going to stop cheating on you????

stop showing your kid that you just continue to be your wife’s doormat! Show your child what an adult is supposed to do when faced with betrayal!

sorry if this comes across as rough, but I think you need someone to tell it to you straight. File and begin your new life


----------



## Butforthegrace (Oct 6, 2021)

The pretzels of twisted logic you are contorting yourself into to avoid doing the right thing and informing the OBW. Please just stop. Do the right thing here.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

positivevibes11 said:


> She would never do anything like this again to risk losing everything. Being that I do still love her and have a long history with her, this has me in a very tough spot.


Based on your “long history with her” it is obvious that she will cheat on you again, and that you will sweep it under the rug. Although you claim that there were 3 emotional affairs (“EA”) that involved kissing prior to the current all out physical affair (“PA”), you really do not know the whole story, and there really is much more that you do not know and will never know, 

The fact that she cheated with someone that you do not want to expose due to how this might impact your daughter’s life is sick. Your wife is not just disrespecting you, but she is disrespecting your daughter. When your daughter grows up she will eventually learn more about your wife and you, and the disgust that she will feel for you will permanently stain your relationship with her.


----------



## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Looks like a drive by


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

It can be overwhelming to see that others are seeing your situation as much worse than you think it is. I’d bet that in the back of your head, you’ve had the same suspicions but have suppressed them.

Like many here. I too doubt that those 3 other EAs were not actually sexual PAs. She is going to minimize those affair but you can see that she gives her all to her APs. Men don’t stick around for long if they’re not getting something. 

What she shared with her friend reveals that it was NOT just sex. She was really into him and wanted more from him but it seems like he just wanted short hookups. She supposedly ended it but admits that when they broke up before she went back to him.

I also doubt that there were only 4 sexual encounters. He lived nearby and she was obsessed with him, which is why she was so sexually passionate with him. She was trying to win his heart. Would a woman that’s in a sex only affair break it off because he would just come around for the sex and leave?

You need to expose this guy to his betrayed wife. With him being close and that they having had multiple breakups, it will not take much effort to get her back in bed. If his wife knows, she can keep her husband in check. Besides, your wife needs to face some consequences.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jsmart said:


> It can be overwhelming to see that others are seeing your situation as much worse than you think it is. I’d bet that in the back of your head, you’ve had the same suspicions but have suppressed them.
> 
> Like many here. I too doubt that those 3 other EAs were not actually sexual PAs. She is going to minimize those affair but you can see that she gives her all to her APs. Men don’t stick around for long if they’re not getting something.
> 
> ...


Hopefully his wife will throw her cheating husband out.


----------



## positivevibes11 (2 mo ago)

I appreciate all of the honest feedback, which is really what I need. I have been blinded by the thought of keeping my family intact at all costs. I was brought up in a broken family, so it's been my mission to build a solid, intact family. Guess it's just one of the things that's out of my control, but I can say that I gave it my all. Plus, I do love her. As I mentioned, we have had a good life together during the good times, which have been 90% of the time. It can be difficult to not put any faith in that. But, I do get it.. even with the depression, she's made the choices and not given a damn about us in any way. 

I told her this morning that she needs to inform our daughter of everything, including who it is, and also that his wife needs to know. She's telling our daughter tonight. I plan to contact him and his wife tomorrow, if she doesn't do so. At this point, I don't know which to contact first. Probably her.


----------



## Sparky282 (11 mo ago)

You need to call the wife right now.

don’t give them time to conspire.

you need to be the first. Don’t let your wife warn him.

I know it’s hard but you need to take strong decisive action.

if you let them go first it’s won’t have the same impact and you give them time to work on their story.

call now immediately. As soon as possible.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

@Sparky282 is right. You need to be the one to tell the other betrayed spouse. You need to do it ASAP because now your wife is going to get her story synced up with OM to minimize the extent of the affair. Sex 4 times in 5 months? Do you really believe that? 

Call the OM’s wife today. Don’t give your wife time to warn OM.


----------



## CTPROF (6 mo ago)

Quit fooling around and call the OM's wife. Doing so will negate any lies they will tell about you. You need to get ahead of the situation. Cheaters lie and will always do so. Do not depend on a cheater to be honest. Call her now.


----------



## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Perhaps it is just me, but I cannot wrap my brain around why you want to remain married to this serial cheater. It seems masochistic and shows you have a very low sense of entitlement .
You seem very naive, exactly the type of man a narcissistic woman targets for a marriage. You have even, somehow, become comfortable with believing her first 4 affairs were strictly emotional while contradicting yourself and acknowledging they included kissing. Is kissing not a physical action? How about blowjobs or mutual masturabation ? Would that count? 
And, you bring up depression as if that has anything to do with cheating? Where, exactly, did you dream that up from?
Now, you are letting your wife, a known liar, handle telling your daughter? Do you plan on being present, because you can bet your wife will minimize and lie.
And, why delay telling the other wife?
90% of your relationship is good? You do not even know what your wife was up to. She is pathological, a serial cheater willing to expose you to STDs and to ruin your kid's s life, not to mention the other family's. 
I think it is high time you pull your head out of the sand so you and your daughter can have decent lives. Your married to a serial cheating personality disordered woman. She will destroy you.


----------



## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> Perhaps it is just me, but I cannot wrap my brain around why you want to remain married to this serial cheater. It seems masochistic and shows you have a very low sense of entitlement .
> You seem very naive, exactly the type of man a narcissistic woman targets for a marriage. You have even, somehow, become comfortable with believing her first 4 affairs were strictly emotional while contradicting yourself and acknowledging they included kissing. Is kissing not a physical action? How about blowjobs or mutual masturabation ? Would that count?
> And, you bring up depression as if that has anything to do with cheating? Where, exactly, did you dream that up from?
> Now, you are letting your wife, a known liar, handle telling your daughter? Do you plan on being present, because you can bet your wife will minimize and lie.
> ...


^^^THIS^^^^


----------



## Trdd (Jan 11, 2022)

Good move on getting this out into the open and planning to inform the posom's wife! 

I also believe the depression is not an excuse for infidelity. It may be a trigger for her to get on the slippery slope but it is not an excuse. It is also hard to believe that the first 3 times were kissing only. Could be, but probably not. You just didn't catch her with proof so she minimized what happened. And she was clearly infatuated with this latest guy. No one automatically hates a simple hookup that isn't responsive. You hate someone you were head over heels for but that used you. 

So she is not telling you the truth yet. Some, but not all. That is no basis for reconciling. I do think she is a serial cheater but while it may seem crazy to many people that you would even consider reconciling, that is still your choice to make. What I would say is that if you make that choice, do it carefully and with great thought. Your life will go on without her. There are many women out there who you could be happy with. So if you choose to not explore that path of D, be damn sure you cross every single t and dot every single i you can imagine to not rugsweep, hold her accountable, not treat words and tears as actions and look for sustained behavior as the only possible reason to consider reconciliation. 

If you already did all that and she failed again this time, you should D. However, if you think what happened before was rugswept, then perhaps not rugsweeping might have a different impact. Chances are not great based on what we know but there could be a chance.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Can you tell us how she contributes to the marriage? 

Affairs take a lot of concentration and time away from kids and spouses, work even. So even when they’re not physically in contact, there’s the constant sneaky texting, mind elsewhere, extra grooming. Work performance would be subpar and so on.

A simple monthly dinner with my girlfriend’s means I’m sometimes unable to respond to a teenager asking me something. Let alone what the kids/spouse would feel like if an affair was happening. 

So she must be staying on top of her life i. Other areas? How is she finding time, and again, how is she contributing? Be honest here, it’s not complaining if you’re telling the truth about how much she’s putting into daily chores, work, present parenting. (And I’m not even asking how she is as a wife).


----------



## ThreeHundo (Sep 20, 2021)

At this point, staying with her just seems to be signing up for more pain. I mean, that's 4 affairs. She introduced new positions to you AFTER she tried them with him. How the hell are you going to get past that sh!t? Your daughter is right.


----------



## Vaughan (Aug 18, 2021)

She doesn’t love you.

My kids were relieved to be free from my ex and all her chaos. Yes, their biological mother. We three are closer than ever. 

This book helped me: https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/25898115-leave-a-cheater-gain-a-life


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> Perhaps it is just me, but I cannot wrap my brain around why you want to remain married to this serial cheater. It seems masochistic and shows you have a very low sense of entitlement .
> You seem very naive, exactly the type of man a narcissistic woman targets for a marriage. You have even, somehow, become comfortable with believing her first 4 affairs were strictly emotional while contradicting yourself and acknowledging they included kissing. Is kissing not a physical action? How about blowjobs or mutual masturabation ? Would that count?
> And, you bring up depression as if that has anything to do with cheating? Where, exactly, did you dream that up from?
> Now, you are letting your wife, a known liar, handle telling your daughter? Do you plan on being present, because you can bet your wife will minimize and lie.
> ...


OP , Please read the above several times ...And then read it again . Until you actually get it. It's 100% great advice

.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Glad to see you are taking steps forward ! You are headed in the right direction!!!


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

positivevibes11 said:


> We've had STD tests and all were negative. I have used 180 in the past after the EA's, so I am pretty good at it. Sex has been cut off. I told her to not even kiss me, because all I think of is his d*** and it disgusts me. I have separated sleeping with her, and I have spoke to an attorney, but haven't retained him yet.
> 
> The concern with the wife of the affair partner is that through our kids, it would blow up and get back to my daughter about who the affair partner is. My wife was concerned that my daughter would hate her if she knew who it is. Although, I would like nothing more than for his wife to know. I feel bad that she doesn't.


You need to tell the daughter and the APs wife. If you don't tell APs wife, you are culpable in the affair and keeping her a victim. If I were your daughter and you withheld this info, I would be totally pissed at you. It would also tell me that you also hide crap and can't be trusted as a parent either.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

positivevibes11 said:


> I appreciate all of the honest feedback, which is really what I need. I have been blinded by the thought of keeping my family intact at all costs. I was brought up in a broken family, so it's been my mission to build a solid, intact family. Guess it's just one of the things that's out of my control, but I can say that I gave it my all. Plus, I do love her. As I mentioned, we have had a good life together during the good times, which have been 90% of the time. It can be difficult to not put any faith in that. But, I do get it.. even with the depression, she's made the choices and not given a damn about us in any way.
> 
> I told her this morning that she needs to inform our daughter of everything, including who it is, and also that his wife needs to know. She's telling our daughter tonight. I plan to contact him and his wife tomorrow, if she doesn't do so. At this point, I don't know which to contact first. Probably her.


Make sure you are there when it happens. Has to be done in your presence. You can not trust anything this creature says.

Also, you were concerned about the kids. My mom had depression crap, no cheating but dad loved her, don't know why in hell, but he did. He continued to tolerate her crap for years. He became very beta trying to appease her, she was a ***** and belittled him and he never spoke up. Can't tell how many times I heard don't upset your momma. Screw her.

My sister and I both wanted him to leave mom and find someone who would treat him right. He continued the status quo, made me loose the respect I had for him because he became a pathetic weak man. It is more important to a child to be proud of your dad and respect him, that for them to later discover mom is a wh0r3 and dad has also been lying to them.


----------

