# So I proposed to my GF a week ago, she said no.



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I was shell shocked to say the least. I figured after cutting away all the dead flesh of my previous incredibly toxic relationship I was ready for the next chapter in my life. 

I went out, got the perfect ring and when I got on one knee she said she couldn't say yes at that time. I wanted to cry cause I have a son with this woman, but first I asked her why and she said after all that happened with my ex fiance she said shes not sure I fully healed from it. That I'm proposing to her as a way to prove I'm over my ex instead of wanting to spend my life with her but thats extremely untrue!!! 

She told me she truly loves me and wants to marry me and started crying and so did I but said she just couldn't make that commitment if any part of her doubted the validity of my commitment to her(paraphrased obviously, real words too emotional and private)

I kept her out of handling my ex fiance trying to insert herself back into my life so I think that must be why she doesn't know how over it is.

She is the love of my life, and I want to spend my life with her and have more children, I realize that now after I quit bullsh!ting about my issues. 

How can I get her to realize that I've truly coped with the affair of my ex?

I know I'm over it and definitely over my ex. She was just readmitted again for a psych eval in the hospital(some friends told me and then I told them not to tell me about her anymore) and honestly I don't give a sh!t and have no plan to call or visit or anything. 

For the past week we've been going by semi normally but its like theres a wall between us and I'm terrified to address it and doubly terrified to bring up marriage again cause I don't know what I'll do if I get shot down twice. 

Sorry this update came late I got banned for a bit.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I am so sorry but that "no" sound more like a "yes" with stipulations to me.

Background please. Save us the hassle of backtracking. What happened with your ex? Affair? EA? PA? Spill the beans please.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

She sounds like a wise woman. Take things slow, she isn't going anywhere by her own admission.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

From your other thread, less than a month ago.



> Oh yeah, my GF isn't my fiancee yet. I want to change that, but I've still been having some issues coming to make that commitment.


Even if you have gotten over all your issues in the space of a month, it's going to take longer for her to see that. She'll need time.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear that Kasler. But as Falene suggested, she does love you she didn't really say no. It sounds like she just said, not right now. I can't imagine the pain and rejection you must feel, but I think if I was in your shoes I wouldn't let it destroy me or my relationship. It just means she wants more of you. She just wants to know that you are 100% now and forever hers. Give her the world, and enjoy doing it.  Hang in there. She just needs more time. Nothing wrong with taking time to make a decision like that. At least when she says yes, you will know it is 100% genuine


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Well, there you go. Freedom but not really.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Better that she said No instead of marrying you if she's not 100% sold on it.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Falene said:


> I am so sorry but that "no" sound more like a "yes" with stipulations to me.
> 
> Background please. Save us the hassle of backtracking. What happened with your ex? Affair? EA? PA? Spill the beans please.


I proposed to my then GF and she agreed. Wedding was slated 9 months later. 6 months from the wedding I found out shes been having an affair for around 1 and a half years before and after proposal and was making disparaging comments about me to the OM. For 4 and a half months my head was in the sand, I never exposed, suffering frequent panic attacks caused by an apathetic SO, and I was a month or so away from marrying her. 

I told my sister and finally had some emotional support and called off wedding, broke up, and told my family. I leave the house I just bought for a few days, and tell her to take her things and leave. I came back and turns out she took most everything including most of my stuff so house empty and fell into deep depression for about a year. 

After depression got back on my feet, met my GF and fell in love, we have a son. Little less than a month ago my ex fiance tried to insert herself back into my life. Went through a lot of drama, she threatened to hurt herself, I still told her she was truly out of my life for good. She swallows a bottle of pills and locks herself in the bathroom. Been in and out of the hospital since but I don't really care. 

GF was by my side through all of this.


I kinda understand that she needs time before she knows I'm done with her but I am completely. I know this 100%. I thought by doing this things would be even better between us, but now its stalled. 

It really hurts right now, and its hard to think, but I don't know what I can do to make her feel more sure about our relationship.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

aug said:


> Well, there you go. Freedom but not really.


What do you mean?


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

How long were you split from the ex before you met your current girlfriend? And how long have you been with your current?

She may just be being cautious, and that's a good thing. I know when I met my W, the possibility of me being a "rebound" relationship for her weighed very heavily on me, and I kept my distance to some degree for a long time. And I "put her through the paces" by making sure it was not so (in terms of time and wanting to see a certain confidence, ability to be on her own, and desire to be with me from her). I HAD to see that she was completely over her past with her ex, and that I was the guy she wanted because I was perfect for her, and not just because I was available. I loved her like crazy, but I was not going to commit to someone who may have later "found herself", and found that I was not exactly what she wanted, or someone that was going to carry anger issues over into our relationship causing us harm.

Also, I know that with the hell my ex put me through, it was 10 years before I felt, within me, that I was suitable LTR material, and that I was in a really good place. I carried a lot of anger issues over my ex...issues I did not want to carry into a new relationship or put upon someone that didn't deserve it. It took me that long I believe to completely put it behind me. And I had to be brutally honest with myself and look deep within to realize that I was not ready for a looonnnngg time.

If she is the love of your life, those feelings aren't going anywhere in the absence of a marriage certificate. There's nothing wrong with taking it slow. Make this next one COUNT!!!!


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

It doesn't sound like a no sounds more like nows not the right time.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Kasler

I am familiar with your original thread. Your original GF was crazy and is crazy. She is mentally ill.

I like you. I especially think your sister is awesome. And I like your GF.

Give her some time. She is right to be wary. Your exgf put you and your family through some horrible experiences.

Love your GF and your kid. Let her know you are trying to understand why she said no and that no matter what you will be patient.

Tell her that you love her because she has your back, she is th mother of your child and that you respect her decision.

Do not let a wall come up between the two of you now.

Give her a hug, a kiss and tell her this while looking in her eyes.

She is the future of your family and she is very wary because of the all the crap that went down recently.

That is understandable and you should support her decision.

Keep the ring. I am sure in a few months she will tell you or give you a sign that she is ready.

A ring did not stop the 1st kid so keep working on hat family.

Protect them Kasler!!!

HM64


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Hi Kasler
Just a suggestion, could you buy her a lovely necklace, put the ring on the necklace and ask her to wear your ring around her neck?

When she feels the time is right she could then wear the ring. Once she has taken the ring off the necklace and on her finger you could then replace the ring with another symbol of your love and affection.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Kasler said:


> What do you mean?


She thinks she's giving you the freedom to move on if you need to.

I assume she knows you were engaged before. And with the recent incident with your ex-fiancee, she's allowing you space and time to consider things.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Thank you for the filling in the blanks Kasler.

I think your GF is a wise woman. You must pay serious attention to that post Dymo quoted you on. That was less than a month ago. I only say that because I believe you are 100% sure, it makes total sense your GF may not be?

Want to make that wise woman your wife? Love her. Be good to her. Show it everyday. Be patient. Ask again, you will know when the time is right. You will get a "yes".

Good luck to you both. Don't be upset at your GF. She really wants a marriage for a lifetime with you or she would have never said no. She wants you to be sure. Show her you are.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> That I'm proposing to her as a way to prove I'm over my ex


Considering what happened a few weeks back, I think she is right!!. Wait for a few more months.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I don't know, I mean for the love of Pete you two have a child together! Time to take a HARD look at your relationship. Sorry to be a wet blanket...


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Kasler, I lived in Atlanta for over ten years and remember one of my business law professors telling us that in Georgia all you had to do to be considered common law wed is to check into a hotel as man and wife. Speaking of common law, if you and your girlfriend are living together then she's your common law wife. (Georgia is one of 16 states that recognizes this.)


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

I generally lurk, but I thought this deserves a response. It looks like your gf is quite level headed, loves you and wants to be with you. That means a lot. 
You may think you are ready for marriage, but it is fair for her to have her doubts. Don't give up on her just for this. Someone suggested putting your ring on a necklace for the time being and giving it to her. You should consider that. If she accepts, you will have further validation of what everyone is saying.
Don't give up on her. Deal with the disappointment for now. And most importantly, don't put up any walls now, have that mature conversation that is needed.
Honestly I think it's really your ego which is finding it hard to deal with the disappointment, I won't even call it a rejection. If you can recognize that, you will be better off for it, both for you and for her.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She probably would accepted had your evil ex stayed away but she can see you triggered badly with her recent intrusion. I don't think she doubts about your comitment but it really could it better if this period of turmoil goes away. Maybe she doesn't want it colored by this.
Don't take it so bad, she's there, willingly. Just don't let it affect your relationship.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Thanks for the responses. I've been reading all of them and talking to my GF to understand what she meant and where shes coming from.

So I just had a really long talk with my GF. I'm not gonna get into the emotional stuff, but we've repaired mostly from where we were meandering. We never let these things go on too long. She says that she believes me when I say I'm done with my ex forever, but with what happened so recently she said that I most likely have moved on but am I not over it. I disagreed initially, but when she asked me about my ex fiance and I said I didn't care what happened to her in the hospital she told me thats evidence of me still holding feelings. Not for my ex, but negative ones for my past incident. I realize shes right. When my ex threatened herself before I wasn't going to back down no doubt on that, but nonetheless I still would feel rueful about another person hurting themselves. Now I honestly don't care whether she kills herself or not and I realize those kinds of feelings are a problem. 

I know I'm not that kind of person and should never be thinking that about anyone.

She told me she loves me and isn't going anywhere, but wants to help me completely through my ordeal before we move on to the next step in our lives. 

I agree, shes always been right about these things and I also feel that I need more of something, although I don't yet know exactly what I need. 

Thing is, I suggested IC and she agreed, but she thinks that we need to see my ex and set things straight. When I say we yes I mean she wants to be there as well

I can't agree with this. She says it may help give me closure, but I can't see it as anything but a bad idea. What can visiting her do for me? 

Can seeing an ex really bring closure in this kind of infidelity or is it just a red herring?

Side note: I asked if she'd wear it on a necklace and she said she would if I'd stop brooding so kinda in a happy daze right now.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Kasler said:


> So I just had a really long talk with my GF. I'm not gonna get into the emotional stuff, but we've repaired mostly from where we were meandering. We never let these things go on too long. She says that she believes me when I say I'm done with my ex forever, but with what happened so recently she said that I most likely have moved on but am I not over it. I disagreed initially, but when she asked me about my ex fiance and I said I didn't care what happened to her in the hospital she told me thats evidence of me still holding feelings. Not for my ex, but negative ones for my past incident. I realize shes right. When my ex threatened herself before I wasn't going to back down no doubt on that, but nonetheless I still would feel rueful about another person hurting themselves. Now I honestly don't care whether she kills herself or not and I realize those kinds of feelings are a problem.
> 
> I know I'm not that kind of person and should never be thinking that about anyone.
> 
> ...


It may just be a way for her to see how you deal with it and how you react on seeing the ex. I think it may be a good way to convince her that you are truly done with the past. 

Remember, she wants to see if you look shocked, happy, sad or disgusted. All of those are bad. If you we're truly done, then all you would show is "nothing" - apathy. Just my humble 0.02$.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Had to add. Do this if and only if you think my earlier post has merit. There is no value in this action otherwise.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Cdelta02 said:


> It may just be a way for her to see how you deal with it and how you react on seeing the ex. I think it may be a good way to convince her that you are truly done with the past.
> 
> Remember, she wants to see if you look shocked, happy, sad or disgusted. All of those are bad. If you we're truly done, then all you would show is "nothing" - apathy. Just my humble 0.02$.


I thought that too initially, but I don't know. I've had apathy to my ex so far(at least I think I did) and I don't think she liked it. Said when the topic of my ex came up I'd get quieter but its not because of my ex, only because it brings up memories of my own weakness and the sorry state I was in.

I've never truly forgiven myself for what I allowed to happen. 

I really need to schedule some IC.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What your GF wants to feel from you is your indiference towards ExGF.
Well i'm not sure whether she can mistake you disgust and pain over what happened to you with any kind of emotion towards Ex as individual. 
People don't get what something like this may hurt you soo deeply you change, forever. Trust become situational and is fragile.
It's not just about ex anymore.
It's like asking you to stop displaying that slight limp from an old war wound or expecting the scar disappear even it doesn't hurt as it was fresh.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Acabado said:


> What your GF wants to feel from you is your indiference towards ExGF.
> Well i'm not sure whether she can mistake you disgust and pain over what happened to you with any kind of emotion towards Ex as individual.
> People don't get what something like this may hurt you soo deeply you change, forever. Trust become situational and is fragile.
> It's not just about ex anymore.
> It's like asking you to stop displaying that slight limp from an old war wound or expecting the scar disappear even it doesn't hurt as it was fresh.


Thats exactly what I thinking, I just couldn't phrase it. 

Shes knows I have pain. About a year and a half of my life was wasted and that disgust is gonna be there for a long while.

But that doesn't mean I'm damaged or anything like that. 

The thing is I don't know how to express this.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Kasler said:


> I thought that too initially, but I don't know. I've had apathy to my ex so far(at least I think I did) and I don't think she liked it. Said when the topic of my ex came up I'd get quieter but its not because of my ex, only because it brings up memories of my own weakness and the sorry state I was in.
> 
> I've never truly forgiven myself for what I allowed to happen.
> 
> I really need to schedule some IC.


Well then she is right isn't she. If you quiet down when the topic comes up, it means you may be over the ex but you are not over the instance. I think she wants it to be like the hypothetical time you fell off your bike when you were a kid. Was a bad experience then when you skinned your knee, but at best it's a "meh" now. You got over it, you can talk about it without feeling anything, you can even laugh about how you were hopeless at riding bikes. That's her standard for your completeness of recovery. And I agree with her.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Thanks for the responses. I've been reading all of them and talking to my GF to understand what she meant and where shes coming from.
> 
> So I just had a really long talk with my GF. I'm not gonna get into the emotional stuff, but we've repaired mostly from where we were meandering. We never let these things go on too long. She says that she believes me when I say I'm done with my ex forever, but with what happened so recently she said that I most likely have moved on but am I not over it. I disagreed initially, but when she asked me about my ex fiance and I said I didn't care what happened to her in the hospital she told me thats evidence of me still holding feelings. Not for my ex, but negative ones for my past incident. I realize shes right. When my ex threatened herself before I wasn't going to back down no doubt on that, but nonetheless I still would feel rueful about another person hurting themselves. Now I honestly don't care whether she kills herself or not and I realize those kinds of feelings are a problem.
> 
> ...


You star!

Pleased for you.

As for the rest I think you've got a pretty savvy GF there, a definite keeper.

And no I think total apathy is wrong.

I've been trying to work out how to word this but it's difficult, wish I was better with words sometimes.

I think you need to get to a point where the ex and your old situation is part of you but is in the past. Sort of like the quote that is something like "I am the sum of all that I have seen and done."
You can't undo what happened, it is always going to be there. You need to find a way of coping with it and finally banish it into the past.
Again problems with correct wording but you possibly need to get to a point where you can almost seperate your ex from what happened. You can then view her as just another person, someone you were close to once. You can then feel the appropriate amount of compassion, pity and sorrow for what she has done to herself.

Your GF mentions closure for you but I also think, even if she doesn't admit it or even realise it that there may be an element of closure for her too. This awful woman has been a spectre haunting your relationship.

I'm not sure if your ex is in hospital at the moment, and what her mental state is. Before you visit it may be worth while talking to her Doctor/Psychiatrist and just running the idea of visiting her past them.

Finally, if you do end up visiting your ex, the pity in your eyes and voice for what she has become may be the cruellest twist for her, so as much as she doesn't deserve it be gentle.

I know I've mentioned this in a PM to you before but, why oh why, despite the awful awful things some of these people do, why do I feel so sorry for them when their world comes crashing down around them. Ding ding! This stop for the Karma bus!


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

Just looking at it from a different angle, I doesn't look like you are over her, well more that you may not be over yourself. Crying in front of her, didn't you learn anything from your last relationship? It's great you've got a sensitive side, but that's the kind of **** that meant you ended up going through the trauma of your last break up. Don't put yourself in a position like that, different to your wife or not, she's still a woman.

I'm sure is a beautiful woman who is pure at heart, but look at all the different types of people on here, almost all their partners cheated on them, myself included obviously. Don't even re-marry, let alone worry about it. Give it another 2 years before you even think about asking her again. Hold wayyyyy back. You'll have a better long term.
You're post shouts desperation and anxiety, fear and worry that she may never love you. 
You aren't ready to re-marry, have you been seeing an IC or internalized yourself completely? 
Don't NEED someone to love you, let them.
I'd apologize for putting her in the position you did. Tell her not to worry about it, you totally understand, think she's proved more than she ever could that she truly loves you, that you'll know when the time was right. Maybe sell the ring, and go on a holiday, something more rugged, hiking, yachting etc. forget allll about it.
Work more on yourself, you are worth more than she is to you...she will love you more..

She said you where being broody, damn, your on a talk about marriage forum. You're in a daze because she agreed to wear a ring you cried while giving her, around her neck, on another thing you bought her...IF you agree to stop....brooding?!! A man shouldn't brood, that's how you get ****ed over, and not a single woman on the planet wants that from a life partner.

Hopefully you'll take this with the way it was intended, but you sound like your being really, really soft..
You obviously have been doing right, to of met her and fallen in love, held yourself together, think back to the person you where when you first started dating....Be him, quickly
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Kasler said:


> she said after all that happened with my ex fiance she said shes not sure I fully healed from it. That I'm proposing to her as a way to prove I'm over my ex instead of wanting to spend my life with her but that's extremely untrue!!! .


This! Exactly my thoughts if I were her.
That's why I said in your previous thread to take time, think and wait before taking the next big step. It sounds like you were trying to escape from your past by getting married to this girl.

To be honest, I was king of surprised you got into a new relationship so soon, after getting out of a very important one. 
I know I wouldn't want get in a relationship with a guy who just got out of an important relationship...simply for the fear of being used as a weapon to make him forget his ex. I'm not saying you used her, but still...you ex hurt you..and it takes a long time and effort before you feel unaffected by her.
Time is the only healer. 
This girl sounds worth it but you don't have to hurry.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Kasler

Your GF is a keeper.

I understand not wanting to meet with the Ex but if your GF is there and pushes for it then go get closure.

And yes, your GF is testing you. But I am not surprised.

She is a smart one.

Go get some IC. I think it will be good for you and your current relationship.

Find peace with yourself and get strong.

HM64


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Yeah dude get your sister involved. She's got a good head on her shoulders. 

Rejection can be really tough... but it sounds like your new gf truly loves you. "Not now" is very different from "no". Remember that brother.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

BeenHurt said:


> Just looking at it from a different angle, I doesn't look like you are over her, well more that you may not be over yourself. Crying in front of her, didn't you learn anything from your last relationship? It's great you've got a sensitive side, but that's the kind of **** that meant you ended up going through the trauma of your last break up. Don't put yourself in a position like that, different to your wife or not, she's still a woman.
> 
> I'm sure is a beautiful woman who is pure at heart, but look at all the different types of people on here, almost all their partners cheated on them, myself included obviously. Don't even re-marry, let alone worry about it. Give it another 2 years before you even think about asking her again. Hold wayyyyy back. You'll have a better long term.
> You're post shouts desperation and anxiety, fear and worry that she may never love you.
> ...


A little background info. Was about a year and a half after I left my cheating ex before I got in my current relationship

Thank you for the post, and you're right in some ways. I'm reading each post and I don't deny the harsh posts just because they can be tough to read so feel free to bring em.

But the man I was when we first started dating, no thats definitely who I'm not going back to. He was a wreck, and the brooding thing is actually an inside joke lol.  I work in IT, and will frequently be sorting figures and values in my head at times even when I'm not working. While doing it I'm usually a bit lost in thought and she always teases me that maybe she should draw the blinds and light a candle. 

I only cried in front of her maybe 3 times, one of them being when I was holding my 8 1/2 pound 19 inch son who was just born. But yeah I see what you mean. My whole trauma has made me more emotionally reactive I suppose and thats another thing on my list that I need to fix. 

I know how much she loves me and I'm going to be the man that can properly love her. 

Funny you should mention something rugged 

Atlanta – October 14, 2012 | Merrell Down & Dirty National Mud and Obstacle Series presented by Subaru

We've both been signed up for this for a while and they're usually fun but so tiring, which is why I do them.

One good thing about about what happened to me was that I now exercise and run my heart out frequently. Theres this huge mud slope on the course thats gonna be a REALLY tough endurance grinder and energy waster, so been working out my legs and lats for the past 4 weeks.


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

Hell yeah, wearing your heart out as often as you can, is crucial to living happy, good on you man, that course sounds perfect!

I'm going to be the man who can love her properly...you need to take her off the pedestal she's on, I'm not saying don't love her as much, but maintain the fact that YOU are more important than she is to you. Be the man that is able to be loved properly.
You left it an appropriate time before getting serious again, but it looks a bit like you might be starting up your old habits, of neglecting yourself for someone else. If you where in the areoplane and the oxygen masks came down, who's would you put on first? Truthfully, yours or your future wife?

You seem like a great guy, and if you where in such a wreck when you met her, how did you pull this delightful woman? She was attracted to you when you first met, she liked the things about you that you showed her back then enough to have a child with you, so differentiate the difference between what was bad back then, and what was a so good. When you look back, it brings back painful memories, but a connection occurred back then, look for that part of who you where.

The more comfortable you feel, the more likely that the parts of you that need pea-****ing are put away, and your left with the self plucked bird wandering around all love struck. You have a lot of work to do for yourself. 

You are the most important person in your eyes, more than any woman, or even your child. You need to get back that passion for yourself so you can be the man you want to be, which everyone will benefit from. No matter what the cost, focus on you for a while...get IC too man it'll help!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ When we met I was pretty much hiding my damage. It was the first time I was forgetting about my I honestly don't know what the hell to call what I went through and incident seems b!tchy. 

We had fun while dating and it drew me out of my shell. 

I think I didn't post about myself in detail, but I do have worries about being selfish cause my ex was very selfish and I wouldn't want anyone to feel what I was feeling then. I go out with friends or have them over sometimes to chill, and I hit the gym 4-5 times a week for at least 2 hours. I'm also an avid gamer among other hobbies like a basketball or other sports since theres a nice big field about a 20 minute walk away(I walk instead of drive so my body is warmed up by the time I get there)


We talk about our problems and misgivings, but its more that I just like spending time with her than her demanding my time. 

I don't think that I put her on a pedastal, but I may have given off that vibe since I haven't posted much about my daily life.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

BeenHurt said:


> Hell yeah, wearing your heart out as often as you can, is crucial to living happy, good on you man, that course sounds perfect!
> 
> I'm going to be the man who can love her properly...you need to take her off the pedestal she's on, I'm not saying don't love her as much, but maintain the fact that YOU are more important than she is to you. Be the man that is able to be loved properly.
> You left it an appropriate time before getting serious again, but *it looks a bit like you might be starting up your old habits, of neglecting yourself for someone else. If you where in the areoplane and the oxygen masks came down, who's would you put on first? Truthfully, yours or your future wife?*
> ...


Yes, my wife, my grandkids, my children, my mum or dad would come first in that sort of situation.

I think there is one hell of a difference in putting your needs first and not being a 'nice' guy as opposed to being a selfish coward.

However you probably just used a poor analogy.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> Yeah dude get your sister involved. She's got a good head on her shoulders.
> 
> Rejection can be really tough... but it sounds like your new gf truly loves you. "Not now" is very different from "no". Remember that brother.


Her wording is very important....it not exactly positive but its not exactly negative either.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

That analogy was used a lot initially, I thought it was ridiculous, but have come to realise that it's fundamental.. If you don't get that mask on, you stand to put others in a situation where you are unable to protect them.

It seems like you have it sorted, get some IC though, think it'd help long term. 
You had fun while you where dating, and she brought you out of your shell, but my concern was the shell you where coming out of was not only the person she fell for back then, but also the person that was doing so well. You came out, back to who you where that suffered at the hands of your ex?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Did she say no? No. Not really. She said... "not yet!"

So, work towards that as a goal. As a mutual goal.:smthumbup:

And by the way, not caring if your ex is ill is, in my opinion, not a healthy sign.

It is a sign you aren't yet fully 100% over her, yet, in my opinion.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Did she say no? No. Not really. She said... "not yet!"
> 
> So, work towards that as a goal. As a mutual goal.:smthumbup:
> 
> ...


Yeah day by day man. 

I just can't get over that with my ex.

As far as I'm concerned I'm over her. How is apathy not caring about her? Honestly I care about her well being as much as I care about the well being of the guy smoking a cigarette on a bench who I see out of my office window right now. 

Is that not enough? Am I supposed to be friends with her to be gotten over her? Send her christmas cards for "hey merry Christmas you toxic b!tch"

:rant:
I know I'm ranting right now, but its a sore spot for me. Honestly even now a few people think I'm not over her because I'm not a tranquil monk about her and forgiveness. 

I have no forgiveness to give, but I'm not abstaining it or holding it either. What she did was fked up and wrong. I didn't like it and cut her out of my life. As far as I'm concerned why not leave it at that? 

I have IC scheduled but the first counselor was too damn obstinate in her ideals about moving on. Saying I should be able to chat with her, wish her well on holidays, etc. 


:wtf:

Made no sense to me. 

Biggest thing though is that later today my GF and I are driving down to the hospital to visit. I still think its a bad idea, but she would've went without me if I didn't agree. She says shes not there to yell or anything just to talk, but I know shes still pissed about how my ex was trying to insert herself in my life saying I should leave my GF and take her back. One of the biggest things though was that back then she said she'd raise my child like her son with me and there was a lot of crap over that comment, and she never got to confront her over that or anything else. 

Used a phonebook, called her mother so shes gonna be there when we arrive just in case.

Damn this sucks.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

The only way I would wish her happy holidays is an included by the way don't contact me or my family again.:scratchhead: Good luck today though.


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## KirkSpock (Mar 21, 2012)

Kasler, I can understand why you would be frustrated. I don’t know much about your experience with your Ex, other than what you mentioned in this thread, but in your quick recap you didn’t mention cheating on your current GF; it sounds like you may have violated some boundaries though. That said, I would be frustrated because of the mixed message: she trusted you enough to have a child with you, something irreversible, but can’t trust you enough to get married, something completely reversible? Besides the obvious “putting the cart before the horse”, I guess I am missing a big chunk of the story here: what happened between you and your ex that shook your current GF up to the point where getting pregnant and having your child is fine but marrying you takes consideration?


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

KirkSpock said:


> Kasler, I can understand why you would be frustrated. I don’t know much about your experience with your Ex, other than what you mentioned in this thread, but in your quick recap you didn’t mention cheating on your current GF; it sounds like you may have violated some boundaries though. That said, I would be frustrated because of the mixed message: she trusted you enough to have a child with you, something irreversible, but can’t trust you enough to get married, something completely reversible? Besides the obvious “putting the cart before the horse”, I guess I am missing a big chunk of the story here: what happened between you and your ex that shook your current GF up to the point where getting pregnant and having your child is fine but marrying you takes consideration?


Kaslers story here, his ex is an absolute cow who has taken a well deserved ride on the karma bus.
I don't understand why you would think Kasler cheated on his current gF?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/55481-i-need-help-my-story.html


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

She stripped his house pretty clean and pawned some of it that b!otch an that was 3 yrs ago


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

tom67 said:


> She stripped his house pretty clean and pawned some of it that b!otch an that was 3 yrs ago


^ Yep, and I worked so many sleepless nights for over a year, asked my parents for a 5 figure check to help me pay for it, to come home to it and see it empty, even rugs and newly bought and unused bathrobes, some stuff that my family and friends bought me for Christmas/birthdays. And an extra kick in the nuts was that she brought OM with her and he was traipsing around in my house putting his fking hands on my stuff and loading them in a uhaul to take with them. 

My neighbor knew my ex fiance so he didn't get suspicious and he thought we were moving or something. He asked and she said yeah, and then proceeded to loot my home with the 'muscular and bald black guy'(OM) he described to me. 

That launched me into a monotonous depression that lasted around a year. Wake up, work, eat, waste time on bullsh!t I didn't care about like surfing yahoo news, sleep, 

rinse and repeat for a year that I honestly can't remember a lot of it. 

Kirk I don't think you have the full story. I never did and never would even touch that woman again. Ever. 

The thing is when she approached me after 3 years for the first time I suffered an intense panic attack and locked up. I was kinda dissociative at this point and actually let her in and my GF really didn't like it that she set foot in our home and the home of our child.

Thing is my GF doesn't like my thinking of her. Says its unhealthy and it probably is. Currently, shes been in and out of the hospital since and I heard a 2nd suicide attempt, but I honestly don't give a sh!t. 

We're going to the hospital in 2 hours or so.


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## KirkSpock (Mar 21, 2012)

Kasler, I thought you *might* have had an affair with your ex because in your very first post you state:



> How can I get her to realize that I've truly coped with the affair of my ex?


I see now it was affair in the sense of "activity" or "event", not affair as in you cheated (or she cheated on YOU, I can't tell. Regardless, you did not cheat, so duly noted!) LOL, I apologize for the misunderstanding.

I can certainly understand why your current GF would be pissed, but(playing devils advocate here.....although, come to think of it, that's insulting to your GF hehehe)isn't it a bit unreasonable to think that you will never think of your ex again? I always tell my wife that I had to go through several bad relationships/nasty women in order to be able to recognize the love of my life (her). If I forget the bad stuff, how can I appreciate the good? In some ways I am glad I experienced my own version of hell; it makes heaven that much better!

If I were in your shoes, I might take that approach with your gf: your experience with your ex was so terrible (again, I don't have all the details but I guess I don't need them: clearly you experienced hell), and your current GF/mother of your children is so fantastic/awesome, it can be a bit jarring/disjointing when encountered by that polar opposite. 

Plus, you were engaged to be married and experienced a very painful time: sometimes, people can't ever "get over" an emotional trauma like that. Cut YOURSELF some slack (while at the same time recognizing the boundaries you violated): emotional traumas run deep and stay with us our entire lives in some cases.

That all said, and with a better understanding of what you are talking about, you struck gold buddy! Your current GF clearly has a good head on her shoulders and knows that patience, which is indeed a virtue, pays off. Keep an open dialogue with her and make it known through both words and actions how much you love her, how much of a good husband you will be to her, and I have no doubt that ring will be off that necklace and on her finger in no time. 

Good luck!

EDIT: I just clicked on WyshIKnews link to your ORIGINAL post so I can now see what that ex cow did to you. I am not editing my original post above though so you can see why I posted what I did 
EDIT #2: Ok, I am almost done with your entire first posting...HOLY COW, WHAT A COW (your ex)!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Going to post on hospital visit a little later. 

*sigh*


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

This is a woman you can trust because she trusts herself. Ask her to let you know when she feels as though she can marry you and then let it go. She's in your life, you know you love her. Why would you want to marry someone if they weren't sure? Definitely you cannot change what another person feels and to insist is to diminish a show of respect for her responsibility to her own life and spiritual, physical and emotional well-being. If she is right or not based on the facts that you know is not the issue. She must act according to how she feels and what she knows. So what if you know what's in your heart? Ultimately how she feels in her heart is what's important to your marriage, when it occurs. Do not start off on the wrong foot, actually you don't need to worry about that because she won't let that situation happen. Ding ding ding you got a winner there. You are very fortunate that this is the mother of your child. Your child is a lucky one to have a woman like this for a mother!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Going to post on hospital visit a little later.
> 
> *sigh*


Let us know how it went....


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Sorry for the time. I just like to collect my thoughts and post it in one big stream, its easier on me when it comes to writing the posts filled with crap. 

So here it is. We got there and after getting directions from my Exs mom I got outside her room. Her mom is really really glad to see me and even hugged me. I find out why shes so glad to see later on. Thankfully her ass hole husband was absent. She did notice I brought my GF though. She thanked her for being here, but then asked if I could go in by myself for the first few minutes. My GF is a very gracious person so she agreed. I go in and she was turned the other way. I was gonna speak, but then I notice how she is. Hooked up to a machine, and I noticed bandages on both of her wrist. 

That kinda hit me and tossed me off my mindframe. Its one thing to hear about it, but seeing it is completely another.
I make a noise of something because then she turns around and sees me and starts crying and trying to get up. 

I was intending to just stand a few feet away while inside but I really didn't think she should've been getting out of bed being hooked up to all that stuff so I move to ease her back down and then she starts to hug me and planted a quick kiss on my face(kinda my cheek bone) before I jumped away and wiped myself off. 

I kinda shout what the fvck is she doing and she starts crying again and saying its been so long since shes seen me. 

wtf?

I ask her didn't she remember what I said nearly a month ago and she says she knows that I'm done with her, but that she still feels the same and still loves me and all that garbage. 

I was about to say more until my GF entered, probably came in cause she heard me yelling. I think she heard that last part and was pissed but tried to calm her down. 

She kinda did, and thats when she introduced herself to her, and laid down whats what. That we're together, and that she needs to leave us alone. 

It was so weird, its like she wasn't even registering her talking to her. She just started crying again askes me if I can stay for a while and if my GF could leave, and thats when my GF got pissed, really pissed off. I could tell, but she just left the room fast and I start to go after her and my ex starts crying again and shouting a bit. Her mother comes in then asking what happened and I said she still hasn't moved on yet, and I was kinda pissed at her mom now for not letting that bit of information slip. Turns out much of the time shes been there shes been asking for me, but since I told her mom not to involve me. So she didn't call but said she did to her daughter. 

I just couldn't handle all that drama and left the room hearing some more screaming before I closed the door and I was expecting my GF in the hallway but she wasn't there. So I speedwalk/run back to the car and shes inside tearing up. I hold her and shes telling me how fked up this situation is, and just wishes she'd leave us alone. 

Now I was livid. some of me wanted to go back there and yell the fking hospital down but a much bigger part of me wanted to get my GF back to our home and son so we left. 

When we get home I tell her all of what happened in the room before she came in, including the kiss. She was tired and I didn't want to burden her more with more, but I felt it best to tell her anyways cause it'd be harder later. She took that well, but I can tell it annoyed her. After our child was tucked away we went to sleep with me holding her. 

After all this, and all that happened nearly a month ago she still doesn't fking get it. I don't know what more to do here. Shes probably gonna be released in a few days. Can you get a retaining order against a hospitalized person though?

I also just don't get why she is so obsessed with me all of a sudden. Even though we were engaged once its not like our relationship was perfect or anything. In hindsight it was a PoS. She took advantage of my generosity frequently. Left me sexually stifled for weeks and months at times by saying she was just turned off of sex(when in fact, OM was getting it every whichway at least 4-5 times a week), and flat out took me for granted. Hell I was still checking her facebook after 9 months or so after the break and she posted that she was getting married and life is bliss and other crappy comments that try to be profound and enlightening and all that but just sound fking stupid. 

Now I'm supposed to be her soul mate? I'm just getting really tired of this and I've given serious though to moving before, but my GF said she doesn't want us to, especially in this market. 

I know its taking a toll on her, but she said shes more frustrated at her and our situation than our relationship. She told me our relationship is still perfect, but that the situation with my ex is stressing her. And she got really creeped out after she talked to her for the first time. My Ex basically flat out ignored my GF after she laid everything down(in an articulate and respectful manner I might add) and just started yammering at me like I'm the only person in the room.

Has anyone seen anything like this? I just feel like my GF and I are so confused and alone on how to deal with this.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I haven't read all your thread or posts, just a few. The only thing to do with the mentally ill and obsessed I think, is that if totally and utterly ignoring her, completely, doesn't work (I am under the assumption you have tried this already?), then threaten her with if she doesn't take her own life u will take it for her. To stay away or you will smash her face in.

Sorry, I realise this may not sound helpful, but I really do think that is the only thing you can do at this point. To stop it swiftly. Otherwise you will be stuck in a stupid legal battle of restraining orders and crap that she will break time and again. And that will feed her attention needs.

I do have some experience also. My sister is mentally ill, she became obsessed with a man here and there. She stalked him and his girlfriend. I'm not sure exactly how she 'got over it' but these people thrive on attention no matter how sh*t. Don't give her the attention. And if she does kill herself, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Thinking of you, Kasler. You carried a lot of damage and baggage into this relationship. None of which seems to have been your fault or responsibility. I'll join the chorus in singing the praises of gf and sounding an optimistic note. Seems like maybe you live as a family already. Patience then, give her time.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Thing is GF seems sure of your love and commitment but, as many women, doesn't trust XGF at all. She just want her to vanish in the smoke. Help her to understand there's nothing to fear. She can't control what XGF or any other woman migh try.
You never cheated, you'll never cheat.
You issues are related to the way you manage yourself after DDay.

Aks her, comunicate, let her speak her fears, to articulate them out load. Then reasure her. Be patient.
Maybe a few days ahead she will realize ex is no treat at all.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Thanks for the comments, and yeah acabado I'm definitely going to do that more. I know she trust me, but she really just wishes my Ex would just disappear so we can go back to normal before all this drama. 

Man, and seeing the ring swaying from her neck is a real good feeling. Sometimes I'll just notice it when I'm not even thinking about it.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Stop looking back, you'll trip. Will there ever be closure? Only the weak need closure and when they get it they still don't realize it is closure. You've progressed so far.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I'm not trying to, but this whole thing has just come to a boil again. 

I don't really want closure/acceptance/whatever I just want to get on with my live in peace.

That whole mess yesterday just caused to trigger while I was watching TV with my GF.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Your ex is now focusing on you because she just realized what a huge mistake she made. It took the dumb ass three years to figure it out but she is probably thinking you were her only chance at a good life. She may be right. She may be wrong. That is for her therapists and doctors to deal with.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

My observation, your gf is a level headed woman.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Kasler, is it possible that your GF may not want to say "yes" to your proposal because (and especially after the drama yesterday) she may see a potential obsessed ex-GF who turns into a stalking "bunny boiler"?


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Hi Kasler,

This meeting may work in your favour after all once the dust has settled.

Bacause as you said, That kinda hit me and tossed me off my mindframe. Its one thing to hear about it, but seeing it is completely another.

If I have read your thread correctly your wife to be has had no or little contact with your ex gf before, and now seeing her for the demented cow she is your wife to be may have a little inkling of your situation.

Because "it's one thing to hear it, but seeing it is completely another"


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Hi Kasler,
> 
> This meeting may work in your favour after all once the dust has settled.
> 
> ...


I think you misread somewhat.

Its not my ex GF, its my cheating *ex fiance*. 

My current SO is just my GF. 

And that phrase in blue is my kinda of realization of my ex fiances suicide attempts. 

I saw two wrappings at the base of both her wrists and on one arm there were long vertical scars from other attempts. 

Thats what threw me off a bit.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

F-102 said:


> Kasler, is it possible that your GF may not want to say "yes" to your proposal because (and especially after the drama yesterday) she may see a potential obsessed ex-GF who turns into a stalking "bunny boiler"?


I just can't believe this is happening.

The relationship was dysfunctional at best, and now she won't leave me in peace more than 3 years later. I also have no idea why shes so fixed on a life with me, used to have plenty of guys around her before we got together all those years ago. 

Oh yeah GF told me the reason wasn't my ex, but more my internal coping/moving on so to speak.

I know I've moved on, but she has to see that in full first before we can move on.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Falene said:


> Your ex is now focusing on you because she just realized what a huge mistake she made. It took the dumb ass three years to figure it out but she is probably thinking you were her only chance at a good life. She may be right. She may be wrong. That is for her therapists and doctors to deal with.


Problem is it doesn't matter what she thinks, it matters what I know and what I know is that I don't want her anywhere near me. And the hospital episode only poured more cement on top of that.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Why not get a restraining order against your ex-girlfriend? 

And from now on, have radio silence and complete No Contact with her and anyone from her family. Anything less than that and you give your ex-girlfriend hope even if you don't intend to.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Kasler said:


> I think you misread somewhat.
> 
> Its not my ex GF, its my cheating *ex fiance*.
> 
> ...


Sorry phrased that wrong I suppose. What I meant is that your now SO who I am sure is your wife to be (she is wearing your ring albeit on a chain) may have understood that your ex fiance is a demented *****, but seeing is believing and this may have opened her eyes somewhat to what you were dealing with.

As you understood that your ex fiance had been harming herself but seeing her there all bandaged up really hit you.

One quick question, has she or her mother ever given you any reason why she now feels that you and her have a future together, or is she just demented?

Were you never tempted to ask her what happened to T and find some sympathy from him?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Sorry phrased that wrong I suppose. What I meant is that your now SO who I am sure is your wife to be (she is wearing your ring albeit on a chain) may have understood that your ex fiance is a demented *****, but seeing is believing and this may have opened her eyes somewhat to what you were dealing with.
> 
> As you understood that your ex fiance had been harming herself but seeing her there all bandaged up really hit you.
> 
> ...


Yeah I think you're right on that. My GF really calmed her down and just talked to her very concisely, then my ex just ignored her and started in on me again. 

I have no idea about why she tried to come back in to my life. She did have a miscarriage(wasn't mine), and her mother verified that, and shes been different since. I wouldn't know if she was demented or not though, but she definitely isn't right in the head.

Also I have no concern about OM. the last time I saw his b!tch ass was when I knocked him out, shortly before I was taken down by a cop, cuffed, and thrown in the back of his cruiser. 

I honestly haven't though of him since I heard that fool was in my house stealing my belongings with my ex more than 3 years ago.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

The kind and reasonable thing to do would be to get a restraining order and absolutely no contact. Her mom is an idiot, no wonder she has problems. Her mom told her she called you but didn't, her mom knew she was still obsessing over you and was psychiatrically disturbed and asked you to visit and didn't fill you in, her mom even asked girlfriend not to go in? I think this ex of yours needs to be left alone and deal with her own issues, namely her inability to deal with reality and also her dependence on her mother to shelter her from reality. Her mom sounds like she is having trouble coping with the fact that her daughter is a deeply disturbed individual and should not be visiting with an ex or ex's girlfriend she should be visiting with a social worker and getting her sh*t together. WTF she is so out of touch with reality, does she really think that attempting to take her own life or making a show of it is going to get her into a stable relationship with someone who is in love with and even coparenting with another woman? Absolutely get a restraining order. You need to talk with her social worker and make sure that your ex understands what the restraining order is and why you want it that it is best for everyone. It is not fair for your girlfriend to have to deal with this. She is smart not to marry you because you not only have baggage, you put it in a locker and you keep paying the locker fee and taking your baggage out to see if it's still all there. Trust me, this ex of yours and her mother are nuts. That's not going to change and you do not owe them anything. Let people who are trained to and want to take care of these issues take care of them. You take care of your little family and feel lucky your girlfriend hasn't left you on the curb. I cut ties with a boyfriend who had a brain hemorrhage, his sister is nuts along with more of his siblings and she got guardianship of him. I let it go, I did not want a life that involved these people. Given a choice, I always choose sane. One reason I divorced my husband is he insisted on keeping close ties with a group of delusional women who had a difficult time adjusting to him being married (well, he did too lol).. A rational person is not going to want to be involved in stuff like this on a day to day basis. You have to make a choice about what you want, to feel important and have someone slice up their wrists over you, or to have a chance at a calm and peaceful life with your family and let the gods/fate/whatever take care of the ex and her mother.
You owe them nothing. But as a result of thinking you do, you could lose everything. I really wonder why you went to visit. To me, that sounds insane, it can never be harmless to just go and see someone who is as sick as your ex. And her mother sounds like she is just feeding it.


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