# Need advice!



## jacparr85 (Aug 6, 2012)

Hello everyone,

Thank you for taking your time to read my post. I am in desperate need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for about 8 months and before marriage he hardly ever initiated it. Then I found the pornography and random google searching of women and confronted him. He is no longer looking at the pornography. We are still in therapy and he is doing his share of the work (initiating it when the therapist says he needs to) but I still feel so bad about myself. I feel completely ugly and unsexy around my husband. Everyone around me tells me it is not me that it is him. I mean I haven't gained weight, I won "Best Looking" in High School... Ugh. I can keep doing all the things he wants me to do like wear knee socks but I still feel like I do nothing for him. I want to feel good about myself again, I just don't know what to do or think during this hard time.


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## jacparr85 (Aug 6, 2012)

Do you think it will just take time for it to return to normal? He seems to think that his anxiety turns off his sex drive and is excited to go to the doctor to get on medication. So, I know he is trying but I still feel so ugly.


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## jacparr85 (Aug 6, 2012)

I'm glad she stuck it out with you. It gives me hope to read that things do get better. I am just having such a hard time feeling that he would rather look at other women than be with me. Our therapist seems to think he turned to pornography because of his anxiety and his anxiety causes him to not be turned on. He always tells me he is attracted to me but sometimes I am not too sure.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

If he has anxiety and any other issue, it could affect his sex drive in ways that have nothing to do with you. Trust in the therapy and believe him when he says he finds you attractive. I know what it feels like to think your husband doesn't find you attractive but you also can't let one person drag you down like that, even if it is someone important to you.


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## jacparr85 (Aug 6, 2012)

Wifelover, yes he said he had been looking at porn since he was a teenager. He is now 30 years old. He was looking at it about twice a week from what I saw.


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## jacparr85 (Aug 6, 2012)

Glad to know that things really do get better. Were you not having sex with your wife when you were looking at the pornography? How did she respond?


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## jacparr85 (Aug 6, 2012)

I am so glad to hear that you guys are doing well. Yeah, it is weird because I always have to initiate but he never tells me no. Also, when we do have sex he is always the one touching me and pleasing me first. I guess I shouldn't complain. One time I told him he didn't have to pleasure me because I was kind of tired and that made him upset. He loves doing it.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

jacparr85 said:


> I am so glad to hear that you guys are doing well. Yeah, it is weird because I always have to initiate but he never tells me no. Also, when we do have sex he is always the one touching me and pleasing me first. I guess I shouldn't complain. One time I told him he didn't have to pleasure me because I was kind of tired and that made him upset. He loves doing it.


I don't think his looking at porn is an addiction, not at a couple times a week. I look at more porn than that and am completely into my wife. Porn is used strictly for masturbation, nothing else. My wife understands this and had to work on getting over these visual aids used by me. At first, she felt threatened, thinking I wanted to personally connect and do the women I watched. That certainly isn't the case. It's nothing more than a visual...it is about like watching a romance movie and getting aroused by watching an intimate scene. I get aroused with an erection when watching, same as if I were to watch porn. If anything, from what I watch on porn, I would maybe want to try various new positions with my wife.

Why is it that you feel as you do even after the requests from him for you to wear knee highs and such? He touches you and pleases you first...isn't that telling you something? 
If he loves pleasuring you, what is up with your self-esteem?


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## jacparr85 (Aug 6, 2012)

You are right, I should check my self esteem. I guess I feel the way I do because he never initiates it and told me he would like to have sex once a month when he looks at porn twice a week. I guess it makes me feel down about myself. I am glad I got a man's perspective on pornography though. I totally wouldn't care if my husband looked at porn if he were initiating sex with me on a regular basis.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

You should tell him that...


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## jacparr85 (Aug 6, 2012)

I told him when we were in therapy so he has been doing good and inititating it on Sundays (our usual day to have sex). But I feel he is only doing it because the therapist told him to.


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## jacparr85 (Aug 6, 2012)

I have talked to him over and over about this but it is always the same... he is attracted to me, not watching porn isn't a big deal, etc. I am not trying to talk bad about my husband but he has always been a strange guy. I have always thought something happened to him in his childhood to make him turned off from intimacy with a real woman and turned on by fantasy and the fact that masturbation is so much easier. I mean I like to masturbate sometimes but it never interferes with my sexual relationship with my husband. He says he honestly doesn't know why he doesn't like to have actual intercourse that much, said maybe it is his anxiety, but I doubt it.


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## wifelover (Dec 19, 2012)

He may have been sexually abused as a child. Difficulty with real sexual relationships is a pretty common result from sexual abuse. You might want to check out malesurvivor.com for some resources. As many as 1 in 6 men have been sexually abused as a child, so it is far from implausible that this was the case for your husband. FWIW, I have anxiety about intercourse sometimes because of past problems, but I sure has hell like doing it and want to do it.


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## jacparr85 (Aug 6, 2012)

Yeah, I just don't understand my husband at all. Like really, who doesn't like to have sex? The only thing that I can think of is that he just isn't attacted to me. I told him if he would just tell me I wouldn't be upset because I am just desperately trying to find out the reason.


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