# Disrespect in a Marriage



## MileHiCloud18 (Nov 1, 2012)

(I apologize in advance if this kind of thread already exists and for the length of my post, I felt like I needed to give a background on some of the events leading up to everything)

Hi, I'm new here and new to this kind of thing, but I'm just seeking some advice on how to deal with a problem in my marriage. My wife and I just recently got married back in September. We have only been together for a year (I know it's not a long time). I have always been kind of a coward when it comes to arguing/fighting/conflict in a relationship. I used to do what I could to avoid any kind of arguing by pretty much keeping my mouth shut. It's not until the past several weeks I have really developed a back bone and have been standing up for myself. There are several topics in this post so I again apologize for the length.

Anyways, I'm struggling with my new wife disrespecting my family. Before we even got engaged back in May, I had my wife over for dinner with my family. My wife and I had already begun planning for a wedding, but we were not officially engaged yet. Anyways, we are over at my parents house, and my parents were telling us that they were going to go to my cousins wedding in July. They had already purchased their flights then so it was a set thing. It was probably around the the end of June, after we got engaged, my wife finally decided on a date for the bridal shower. She made it on the same weekend that my parents would be out of town. She's very stubborn to change the date as she had already sent out her invitations for it before I really realized that it fell on the weekend that my parents were out of town. Well recently, we have been fighting and my parents have been very hurt and really don't want anything to do with her because she in her mind thinks that my parents scheduled their trip on the same day as her bridal shower so they wouldn't have to go. She says that conversation at the dinner table never happened, yet when I talk with my dad, he specifically remembers her there. She is so hurt that they weren't there at her bridal shower, yet she brought it upon herself because she set the date and refused to change it and she knew that my parents would be out of town. This is topic #1...

Topic #2
We got married on a Saturday. Our rehearsal was the Thursday before and our rehearsal dinner was the next day Friday. My parents out of the kindness of their hearts threw us a nice rehearsal dinner at a very nice restaurant. We had everyone who was in the wedding and a few other family members invited to the dinner. My wife's dad, who was also the main pastor who married us (he has his own church), was very adamant about telling everyone on Thursday about the dinner that next day and he even sat everyone down after the rehearsal just to make sure everyone knew what time the dinner was at and where it was too. He probably realistically told everyone about 6-8 times during the entire rehearsal. Her mom and dad were involved in decorating the church and still hadn't finished decorating well into Friday evening. And they had to pick up my wife who had a hair appointment that afternoon and drive up to the dinner. My wife told me she might be a little late, I said that was fine. (I'm figuring like 10-15 minutes late). Well it's time for the dinner to start and everyone from my side of the family is there on time. There was maybe 2 families from her side that showed up on time. The rest of her family including her and her parents did not show up for another hour and a half. Dinner started at 6:30, they showed up at a little after 8:00pm. Her aunts, cousins, grandparents, brother's family, and some friends all traveled up to the dinner together. They all showed up an hour and a half late!! They were all at the rehearsal and all got the same speech about everyone getting there on time. My parents were furious and felt very unappreciated as they spent a lot of money to pay for everyone's meals. A lot of decorations were setup. Not to mention, the restaurants employees were even wondering where the bride and her family were. So when they all arrived, all of the food was almost gone and it was cold because everyone of us who was there had gotten sick of waiting so we ate. Her dad did kind of apologize in a speech, but I think still to this day, my wife has never apologized for that to my family or even to me. She actually fights with me about it, because she says even though they showed up late, that there was still enough time to eat, talk, and hand out gifts. Also, her argument to me was that she didn't even want them to throw a rehearsal dinner, that she would've just rather had it in the basement at her church. My argument back to her is that it's a tradition to throw a rehearsal dinner, and my parents wanted to give us a nice dinner. I feel like she is completely missing the entire point and is so stubborn to even admit that her and her family were in the wrong on this. She is so ungrateful towards anything that my family does for her. My parents also gave us some money to help out for our wedding, and she has the nerve to tell me that my parents didn't help out with the wedding. (My parents didn't want to get involved and step on her and her families toes by offering up suggestions and then getting criticized for them.) I would have to say that a good sum of money and a very nice rehearsal dinner is hardly not helping out. My parents also don't have as much money as her parents. Her parents aren't rich by no means, but when they eat out for dinner every night of the week (it's very rare that they eat at home, very rare) you know they have to have some money.

One last thing I am going to mention. She has 3 nephews and a niece. Great kids, they are all 5 yrs old and younger. I have a 10 year old niece and a 3 yr old nephew. We both have an older brother who is married with kids. I love kids, so it's nothing to me to really enjoy her nephews and niece. It's natural. When we hang out with her family and those kids are there, I play with them, acknowledge them, and they really have come to enjoy having me around. They call me their uncle. But it's completely opposite with her and my niece and nephew. My niece and nephew haven't done anything wrong, yet she sees them as spoiled brats. They are great kids, they might be a little spoiled, but whose kids aren't. Anyways, I feel like she has no respect for my family when she won't even take an interest in their lives, I feel like she has no heart to forgive, and she tells me there is nothing wrong with our relationship and that the only thing I'm concerned about is my family. I have never once told her no when she wanted to do anything with her family or even go see her nephews and niece, but if I even mention that I want to go see mine, I get questioned "Why?" and get the 3rd degree from her. I just feel like I've been nothing but respectful to her but I do not get the same back.

Is it wrong for me to want my new wife to be a part of my family? Is it wrong for me to care about my family? She tells me that she has always felt like she never fit in with my family, but she won't ever go into specifics. She does not fight fair with me, and will usually resort to saying "Whatever!" and roll her eyes and then it gets quiet. 

I know that a lot of people would tell me that I'm crazy that it ever got this far. I understand that now. I'm not afraid to admit that maybe I made a mistake. But I really do love this girl, and I know down in her heart she loves me, cause we have had some really great times together. We make each other smile and laugh. It's just that when we fight, (which is usually because I tell her how I feel about something) the fights are nasty and non-productive. I really want to try and make things work and have even suggested that we go and do some marriage counseling. The reply I get from her regarding us going to marriage counseling...."That's a stupid idea." So I'm looking to get the courage to call up her dad, because I know that she would rather have him council us. Which is fine, because I have had a conversation with him regarding my wife before and he told me that if I ever wanted to talk, he would because he knows his daughter and understands that she has an attitude sometimes. I'm thinking that might be a good route at the moment because I know that he has some influence on her so I'm hoping that him being a pastor and a man of God, and also her father, will set her straight in a way that I just can't. 

There are some other issues as well, but myself and my family just cannot believe the level of disrespect, bad attitude, stubbornness, and lack of spirit and heart she has. And she's a pastor's daughter. I know that nobody is perfect, and I'm not claiming to be and I don't expect her to be. But I just feel like she has no respect for me because she has no respect for my family. The people who raised me to have a heart and inspired me to be the person I am today. I am thankful to have my family's support behind me by the way. I am just posting this, because they are out of ideas besides counseling. I need some help and any of your thoughts and ideas and prayers are greatly appreciated. Just keep in mind, the big D word is nothing I am considering right now, so please avoid telling me that. Thanks!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'll address this by topic.

Topic #1 - in the past

No matter what you do or say now, this is a past event. She's not apologizing for it, so you need to let it go. You got married anyway, despite the bridal shower confusion.

Topic #2 - in the past

See topic 1's answer. You got married anyway, despite the tardiness on the part of her family. Was it inconsiderate? Sure it was. But you can't get blood from a turnip and it's counterproductive to even try. Let it go.

Topic #3 - you may not like this answer but I'm going to put it out there anyway. You need to prioritize your relationship with your wife. It should look like this:

God
Wife
Family
Career

Can you say your life is structured this way? Family is very important... but when you marry you seperate from them to cleave to your wife. Thats not to say you don't see them or spend time with them ever, but their needs come after hers now. That said... I'm not sure if calling her dad will be a positive or not. He's a pastor, so maybe he can look at your problem objectively and try and make sense of what's going on, but then too you may have some fall out from your wife over going to him in the first place. Your family supporting you is important, but you have to also NOT tear your wife down when you talk to them. They aren't married to her, YOU are. Every negative thing you put out there to them will taint their image of her even further and cause more division between you. You may be able to forgive her and move on from a fight, but they don't... again, they aren't married to her and don't love her the way you do.

You two need to work on the way you communicate with one another. You should be able to tell each other how you feel without getting into a huge fight over it, this is a marriage and you're going to have to compromise over and over again. When things get heated or you feel that you're not being heard, step back for a bit and let things cool off. Let her know you would just like to talk without the anger and fighting, but you need her help in order to do that.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

In addition to being disrespectful, do you think your wife is bossy & controlling?

Does she HAVE to win every argument?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Well I'm afraid you set the stage for this to happen. The guy she met was a push over/conflict avoider and she liked that. She has established control over you and wants it to stay that way. You have been dominated my friend. When she is with your family she is not in control and she hates it. I'm betting all the attention is on her when she is with her family. The fact that she changes history to support her argument shows that she needs IC in the worst way. She is afraid to go to MC because she knows she will be in trouble there. You wrote that you two are very much in love. I'm going to propose that she is only in love with the passive pushover guy that she can control. Going to her father for counciling is an absolutely ridiculous idea. There so many issues with that they are not worth mentioning. I'm picking up that you are young so its understandable that you don't realize that her family is not an option to sort out your marriage issues. If she's showing this type of disrespect toward you and your family this early your marriage is in serious trouble. These things normally occur 5-7 years after the honeymoon period. You must demand that she go to IC/MC or the marriage is over. You must take a stand and mean it. Otherwise your in for a lifetime of hurt and disappointment.


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## Benevolence (Oct 8, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> Well I'm afraid you set the stage for this to happen. The guy she met was a push over/conflict avoider and she liked that. She has established control over you and wants it to stay that way. You have been dominated my friend. When she is with your family she is not in control and she hates it. I'm betting all the attention is on her when she is with her family. The fact that she changes history to support her argument shows that she needs IC in the worst way. She is afraid to go to MC because she knows she will be in trouble there. You wrote that you two are very much in love. I'm going to propose that she is only in love with the passive pushover guy that she can control. Going to her father for counciling is an absolutely ridiculous idea. There so many issues with that they are not worth mentioning. I'm picking up that you are young so its understandable that you don't realize that her family is not an option to sort out your marriage issues. If she's showing this type of disrespect toward you and your family this early your marriage is in serious trouble. These things normally occur 5-7 years after the honeymoon period. You must demand that she go to IC/MC or the marriage is over. You must take a stand and mean it. Otherwise your in for a lifetime of hurt and disappointment.


:iagree:

Train wreck waiting to happen! A control freak will never change. Run for the hills before you end up wondering where your youth went.


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## MileHiCloud18 (Nov 1, 2012)

Thanks for the reply! I would love to put these things in the past and move forward with her. But how do I get her to do that as well. I know that there is a lot of compromise in a relationship, but I sometimes feel like I'm always the one that has to compromise and say I'm sorry. I'm just tired of her telling me to let things go, when in turn she does not. She is very very good about holding a grudge, and to me, that is just dead weight on a person's soul. 

I do structure my life like you had described. I put God very first in my life. I can admit to maybe fluctuating my wife and my family back and forth on that scale due to the events that have happened. I will work on these things that you had mentioned. Like I said I am willing to try anything.:smthumbup:


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## Earl Dibbles Jr (Nov 1, 2012)

Benevolence said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Train wreck waiting to happen! A control freak will never change. Run for the hills before you end up wondering where your youth went.



I agree. Changing her behavior would be harder than steering a herd of cats.

I watched a fellow cowpoke go through this very thing, it ended up destroying his relationship with his entire family.

Run like your arse is on fire and your britches are catching.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> Well I'm afraid you set the stage for this to happen. The guy she met was a push over/conflict avoider and she liked that. She has established control over you and wants it to stay that way. You have been dominated my friend. When she is with your family she is not in control and she hates it. I'm betting all the attention is on her when she is with her family. The fact that she changes history to support her argument shows that she needs IC in the worst way. She is afraid to go to MC because she knows she will be in trouble there. You wrote that you two are very much in love. I'm going to propose that she is only in love with the passive pushover guy that she can control. Going to her father for counciling is an absolutely ridiculous idea. There so many issues with that they are not worth mentioning. I'm picking up that you are young so its understandable that you don't realize that her family is not an option to sort out your marriage issues. If she's showing this type of disrespect toward you and your family this early your marriage is in serious trouble. These things normally occur 5-7 years after the honeymoon period. You must demand that she go to IC/MC or the marriage is over. You must take a stand and mean it. Otherwise your in for a lifetime of hurt and disappointment.


Yes she needs IC and you need some self respect and stand for your family and for YOU!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I do find your wife to be very disrespectful. Not only to your family, but to you too.

I have a hard family to deal with. My parents are very opinionated and have to have things their way. My husband and I allowed them into our home and my mother is quite bossy.(even in our home) Not once did he say anything to her, even when she was yelling at my kids to quiet down. They were having fun and playing. I give him a lot of credit because my parents really say a lot of negative untrue things about me too. My husband naturally wants to defend me, but I asked him not to. I can handle my own parents. They stayed as long as they needed to. We were sure happy when we got our house back. I love my inlaws. They are one of the two nicest people I've met. 

Good luck. I'd be telling your wife to respect and be civil in front of your family.


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## MileHiCloud18 (Nov 1, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Yes she needs IC and you need some self respect and stand for your family and for YOU!


I have been standing up for myself and family lately. I grew a spiritual backbone if you will. I just hope it's not too late to change things.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

MileHiCloud18 said:


> I have been standing up for myself and family lately. I grew a spiritual backbone if you will. I just hope it's not too late to change things.


This is good and is the reason why she's being irrational.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You train people how to treat you and from the get go you've told her with your actions that it's perfectly okay to disrespect both you and the people you love. The fact that you married her after she behaved badly set the tone for your entire marriage.

You've got an entitled control freak princess on your hands and change is unlikely if she's already calling you names when you're still essentially a newlywed.

Its going to take a wrecking ball of action on your part to get this situation under control. If she won't go to counseling you need to go. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and some skills on how to deal with angry selfish people.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MileHiCloud18 said:


> I have been standing up for myself and family lately. I grew a spiritual backbone if you will. I just hope it's not too late to change things.


You can change the dynamic between you.

But, you cannot change her.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Typically, brides don't throw their own bridal showers!! This as the first clue to me that your wife might just be a selfish, controlling brat!! Her treatment of you, your parents, and family don't say much about the kind of 'christian' upbringing she had. Even worse, her father's a pastor. 

You should definitely look into MC; if she won't go with you then get IC for yourself. Whatever you do, don't stop standing up for yourself. That is key here!! 

Best of luck to you.


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