# Marriage of less than a year falling apart



## username123 (Jul 2, 2013)

Hello, I will try to describe my wife and my situation as succinctly as possible, but I admit I am poor at writing. Thank anyone in advance for any advice. For the record, I am a 28 year old man and she is a 26 year old woman.

My wife and I have been married for less than a year. Recently she had a bit of a breakdown that stems from me not doing many things with her socially. I am a PhD student and during the semester I am very busy, and she has communicated these issues and I wanted to try to work on it over the summer. Summer is here and the things I have suggested we do are not in line with the things she wants to do. She went to a theme park without me(and with several of my colleagues who are also our friends) and has been going out with friends more, again without me. Over the ~3 years we’ve known each other, I have been avoiding social interaction and it has been continuously and gradually hurting her. She is at the point now where she expects that I do not go anywhere with her, and she doesn’t have interest in me being there. There is a pretty clear breakdown in communication, and I learned that I can be very insensitive and uninterested and it hit me like a ton of bricks. She wants time to be alone, to spend her time with her friends, since the “fun” side of her is battling with the “settle down” side of her, since she has accepted that I will not do those fun things. The only thing that bothers me about that is that her friends have said to her that she should get a boyfriend, and this one (single) guy told her something to the effect of if one person in a marriage isn’t happy then they should find something to make them happy(in another person) and not tell the spouse. This concerns me, but I am relieved that she was open about that communication with me, and when I asked about it she told me that they only said that because it might make her happy right now but that she isn’t going to do that.

She insists that she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and I have asked her many times to confirm that (mainly because I’m insecure). I also asked her if she plans to have a boyfriend, and she of course said no…

Although she mentioned in the past how much it hurt her that I wasn’t doing things with her, and she said it was a big deal, I wanted to fix it this summer, and I kindof thought I was. I have been walking home from my office(4 miles) everyday so I can prepare dinner for when she gets home. I have wanted to go to parks and on walks with her around the area to trails and what not, and we have been doing that. But I have been avoiding other social events, like the theme park, traveling around the area, and other things, that really meant a lot to her, and I have hurt her deeply.

I want to be a better husband, and I want her to have a happy life with me. She told me that I can’t change quickly, that it has to be slow. But I want this more than anything, I had a rough childhood, so I didn’t really learn anything about proper communication and its coming back to bite me in the ass. I suggested marriage counseling, and she’s completely not interested. 

I realize I have an issue here with social anxiety or something similar. People have commented in the past that its like pulling teeth trying to get me to do things, but when I do go out I am really fun to be around. I am going to start seeing a therapist at my university's mental health center next Friday, but for right now, I don't know what to do, I feel like she is emotionally checking out.

Please Help.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I don't have social anxiety so I may not have the "feels" necessary to comment, but what is it going to take for you to do something?

Your wife is going out, seeing people, they are telling her to get something on the side and she comes back and tells you that and you still don't get the point?

Go out socially with her. WTF good is your PhD going to be if you can't socially interact with other people.

YOU should be the one seeking counseling since it appears YOU are the one with the problem. She's told you what's wrong. Other people have told you what's wrong. You know what it will take to get your relationship back on track so do it. Seeing the therapist Friday is a good start.

Did you let her know you are going? Let her know you are taking the necessary steps and with a little luck she'll hang in there for you.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You will need to find a way to see those activities as OPPORTUNITIES to build a closer relationship with your wife instead of seeing them as huge risks to avoid. Do you trust your wife enough to let yourself believe she'll help you through any discomfort? 

If you can't do this, you should be prepared for her to emotionally disengage, because she already is doing this.


----------



## username123 (Jul 2, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> I don't have social anxiety so I may not have the "feels" necessary to comment, but what is it going to take for you to do something?
> 
> Your wife is going out, seeing people, they are telling her to get something on the side and she comes back and tells you that and you still don't get the point?
> 
> ...




Thanks for your reply. 

I guess I had the feeling that the other stuff I was doing due to summer break(keep the place neat, cooking dinner for when she returns, doing other thoughtful things) was enough. I didnt know it was hurting her so much. I will tell her about it for sure but I don't feel happy about needing to wait over a week.

I do get the point now(I think?). I think for me, relationships don't need to be maintained from my perspective. My wife will be the love of my life always, my best friend is my best friend, my mother is my mother. I love all of these people the same, so I am realizing I've been not maintaining these relationships and they have been deteriorating right in front of me. 

For me, it seems my anxiety comes from the anticipation, because after I go out and do things, I am fine and I have a wonderful time. But it is so hard to get to that point.


----------



## username123 (Jul 2, 2013)

Satya said:


> My ex H was agoraphobic and avoided not only social outings with me and friends, but also avoided painful life events, like funerals, and positive ones, like promotion celebrations. He refused to get help or try to slowly get out more. My therapist and I exhausted ideas to express how much it was upsetting me. After years of this, I stopped asking him to join me altogether (which was purely out of kindnesss) and just did what I wanted with whom I wanted. It certainly killed the love quickly, even though it was not the primary reason we divorced in the end.


This sounds exactly like the situation we are in. EXACTLY. Thinking over my life, I didnt go to any of my graduations when I got my HS diploma, BS, or MS. I feel scared about going to bars with friends for any celebrations and I avoid doing most things that have more than a few people around. Thank you so much, I feel that this will be a jumping point for when I meet with the therapist.


----------



## username123 (Jul 2, 2013)

I talked with her during lunch. We made small talk and she said she didn't know what she was going to do for the fourth of July. I suggested that maybe we could go to the city fireworks show to eat and watch the show, but she said she didn't know, and she would have to think about it. I told her that I feel like I am understanding my issues more, the issues that prevent me from being a better husband:

1) My social anxiety that keeps me from doing things out with her.
2) Since my heart is in the right place, I don't really think about the words I use and the things I do, so my relationships deteriorate from lack of maintenance. 

Satya, I am wondering from you, specifically, what could your ex husband have done differently to fix the issues you faced? Is it normal that after you stopped asking him to do things with you that if he started to try to solve his issues you could be hesitant to change everything quickly because you are used to not doing things with him?


----------



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

She wants you to be more social with her and go out with friends. In response, you cook her dinner and suggest private walks (just the two of you). You aren't responding to her needs at all. The things you are doing might be nice but they don't begin to address the problem.

Until you show her that you are willing to address the main problem, she isn't going to appreciate these other things you do. 

Counseling sounds like it is definitely needed. Make sure she knows that you are going to therapy to address your social anxiety.


----------



## username123 (Jul 2, 2013)

justonelife said:


> She wants you to be more social with her and go out with friends. In response, you cook her dinner and suggest private walks (just the two of you). You aren't responding to her needs at all. The things you are doing might be nice but they don't begin to address the problem.
> 
> Until you show her that you are willing to address the main problem, she isn't going to appreciate these other things you do.
> 
> Counseling sounds like it is definitely needed. Make sure she knows that you are going to therapy to address your social anxiety.



I asked her about counseling and she said shes not interested. I will tell her about my therapy soon, I am trying to not talk too much at once because right now shes just enjoying spending time with her friends. She says if I do change to become more social with her it will take time, because right now shes not really even interested in spending time with me.


----------



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

username123 said:


> She says if I do change to become more social with her it will take time, because right now shes not really even interested in spending time with me.


Why doesn't she want to spend time with you?


----------



## username123 (Jul 2, 2013)

I guess my biggest concern is that its too late. I guess by going slowly I can demonstrate that I am trying to cure this issue rather than take a pill to stop the pain temporarily. I am afraid though, because it seems like her friends aren't exactly encouraging her to stick it out with me... though she is open about this(what they say) with me, and she tells me she wants to stick with this marriage forever, even though when I ask if she is sure she tells me "not to push her."

I know it would be different with every woman, but should I just slowly keep trying to get myself into these events with her? Not pestering her too much, but trying to figure myself out so that I can make sure that I WANT to be there, not just that I'm going there for HER. I certainly don't want to take away all the time with her friends, I am totally fine with her going out and doing whatever she wants, as long as she honors our marriage.


----------



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm a little confused. Her main problem is that you don't want to do social things with her but when you try, she refuses to let you? I'm seeing a big red flag that maybe things have already gone too far in her social group (maybe they have seen her out with a boyfriend) and she needs to do some damage control before allowing you to be around her friends again. I hope I'm wrong but something isn't matching up here.


----------



## username123 (Jul 2, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Why doesn't she want to spend time with you?


She says because she is just so used to being apart from me in most any social event that she just doesn't have interest in me being there right now. Right now, she is just going out with her friends and has rejected my interest in going out with her because I will need to go slowly in getting myself back in there.

As I said in another post, she said she didn't know what she was going to do for 4th of July, I suggested that maybe we could go to the city event with food and fireworks and she said she would think about it. 

I know its too soon but I guess I'm sad that we are missing a good opportunity with the long weekend and holiday.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Do you have any friends of your own that you can arrange outings with? How about asking to be included in whatever she plans to do next because you really want to be with her?

She needs you to tell her you are ready for whatever she wants to do, and then she needs you to show her. Let her know you're ready.


----------



## username123 (Jul 2, 2013)

justonelife said:


> I'm a little confused. Her main problem is that you don't want to do social things with her but when you try, she refuses to let you? I'm seeing a big red flag that maybe things have already gone too far in her social group (maybe they have seen her out with a boyfriend) and she needs to do some damage control before allowing you to be around her friends again. I hope I'm wrong but something isn't matching up here.


I am trying to not think that she is dishonoring our marriage, I trust her. She has some insecurities and sometimes asks me if I will ever cheat on her, then asks me that if she cheated on me if I would stay with her(that happened a few days before this). She asks me if I will abandon her, etc. Sometimes I am terrified that she is projecting, but because she has been open about her communication with her friends I don't think she is having an affair.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

username123 said:


> *She says because she is just so used to being apart from me in most any social event that she just doesn't have interest in me being there right now. Right now, she is just going out with her friends and has rejected my interest in going out with her because I will need to go slowly in getting myself back in there.*
> 
> As I said in another post, she said she didn't know what she was going to do for 4th of July, I suggested that maybe we could go to the city event with food and fireworks and she said she would think about it.
> 
> I know its too soon but I guess I'm sad that we are missing a good opportunity with the long weekend and holiday.


This doesn't look good. Maybe she's already replaced you and that's why she doesn't want you there. For her to ask you to go do things with her, then turn around and say well never mind, I don't want you there now seems very suspicious.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

username123 said:


> I am trying to not think that she is dishonoring our marriage, I trust her. *She has some insecurities and sometimes asks me if I will ever cheat on her, then asks me that if she cheated on me if I would stay with her(that happened a few days before this).* She asks me if I will abandon her, etc. Sometimes I am terrified that she is projecting, but because she has been open about her communication with her friends I don't think she is having an affair.


And what did you tell her? 

I have a feeling she was screening you. If you gave her the answer she wanted to hear, then she's basically gotten a green light to do what she wants with no consequences.


----------



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

A Bit Much said:


> And what did you tell her?
> 
> I have a feeling she was screening you. If you gave her the answer she wanted to hear, then she's basically gotten a green light to do what she wants with no consequences.


:iagree: How does she expect you to start slowly doing social things with her if she won't allow you a place to start? Even a slow start still has to start somewhere.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

username123 said:


> I am trying to not think that she is dishonoring our marriage, I trust her. She has some insecurities and sometimes asks me if I will ever cheat on her, then asks me that if she cheated on me if I would stay with her(that happened a few days before this). She asks me if I will abandon her, etc. Sometimes I am terrified that she is projecting, but because she has been open about her communication with her friends I don't think she is having an affair.


Sounds like you have more problems than you think you do. 

If you read this forum much you will see story after story where someone is sure their spouse isn't having an affair and they actually are. Not to say she definitely is but keep that possibility in the back of your mind as the reason she now doesn't want you to come along. Because she should be thrilled that you want to and yet she isn't thrilled at all.


----------



## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

> and this one (single) guy told her something to the effect of if one person in a marriage isn’t happy then they should find something to make them happy(in another person) and not tell the spouse.


When this guy made this suggestion he had somebody in mind to make your wife happy - himself. Were somebody to make such a suggestion to my wife I would visit upon him a little 'social anxiety' of my own. Find out who he is and don't let your wife go out, even in groups, with him. 

I appreciate this might be difficult but he is a threat to your marriage.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You DO realize. Ignore her long enough and she is going to get a boyfriend. Inevitably AFTER you have 2 kids so you have the joy of child support.

Assuming she is honest that she is still faithful. PA I would put at 20% probability. She IS GIVING YOU the proverbial shot across the bow. She is subconsciously letting you know SHE CAN get attention from men besides you and the price she will pay is sex with them. Im on CWI and we see this one ALOT.

Women CRAVE attention.

BTW go caveman on whoever suggested she actually get a boyfriend. THEY ARE YOUR ENEMY! GET RID OF THEM THEY ARE TOXIC.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dear Lord! Your wife needs to get a grip! What is she? 16? 12?

Nooo! She is a married woman of 26!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## username123 (Jul 2, 2013)

Thank you all for your candid advice, I am taking everything in. I am so happy I found this community that is clearly very helpful, supportive, honest, and active. I feel so much better just being able to talk to people about this and getting solid unbiased advice.



A Bit Much said:


> Do you have any friends of your own that you can arrange outings with? How about asking to be included in whatever she plans to do next because you really want to be with her?
> 
> She needs you to tell her you are ready for whatever she wants to do, and then she needs you to show her. Let her know you're ready.


I am arranging for this now. If anything, it will help me get over my social anxiety of going out so I can be more ready when I do start trying to be part of her line again.



A Bit Much said:


> For her to ask you to go do things with her, then turn around and say well never mind, I don't want you there now seems very suspicious.


This is an ongoing problem with me... as another user pointed out, she wanted me to go out and be social with her and instead I cooked her dinner. I did not respond to her needs, but I thought she was happy...



A Bit Much said:


> And what did you tell her?
> 
> I have a feeling she was screening you. If you gave her the answer she wanted to hear, then she's basically gotten a green light to do what she wants with no consequences.


I am thinking about this now. She also told me that if I had some affair and it wasn't serious to not tell her, but if it was serious to tell her. I am somewhat scared that she is projecting but she is being open with me about her communications with her friends and that ends up putting me at ease, even if it shouldn't... I just trust her.



Openminded said:


> ...Because she should be thrilled that you want to and yet she isn't thrilled at all.


Like I said this is a long standing problem with me, she asks me if I want to go do X or Y and I never do. I didn't realize it was hurting her this deeply though, and I wish she communicated that with me better.



azteca1986 said:


> I appreciate this might be difficult but he is a threat to your marriage.


I am starting to realize this... before I flip my lid on these people, one of which is my friend too, I am going to try to meet with an older gentleman we are both friends with to try to get advice. It might sound odd but it is hard to explain the relationship we have with this older couple.

----
Satya, again I am very appreciative of your perspective here. What did your ex H do to eventually gain your acceptance in going out with you again and bonding? It's hard to ask because I know all women will be different but I am wondering how long I should wait to give her her "space" and "alone time" that she is asking for before I start to try to slowly assimilate into her social life again.


She will be out again tonight, I do not know when she is coming home, but I am going to give her the space she wants and not push her to do anything tonight, and will probably try to meet with our older friend tomorrow, this man and his wife are very experienced and I know they would have our best interest at heart. I feel like I need to fix my social issues and my issues with maintaining relationships(I will talk with my therapist about that), but I need to find a way to get her to communicate with me how shes feeling as shes feeling it, so things don't blow up to something like this, which may be unrecoverable...


----------



## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

> She will be out again tonight, I do not know when she is coming home, but I am going to give her the space she wants and not push her to do anything tonight, and will probably try to meet with our older friend tomorrow,


You have gotten some excellent advice already. I just wanted to say something about this one-- 

She does not want space, she wants you. You say you will not push her. Maybe she wants to be pushed a little (gently). By that I mean, she has set up an emotional protection against your continued rejection of spending time with you by saying she no longer wants to. But inside I'll bet she really wants you to insist that you really do want to go with her.

She wants you to show that you are important to her. I wonder what will happen if you tell her you *really want* to go with her tonight. You shower, dress, get your shoes on, and tell her you ar ready to go, right now. You are important to her and you don't want to lose her. You realize you have some problems and you are willing to get out of your comfort zone to do something that's important to her. Because if it's important to her, it's now important to you.

Those are words and actions I would want to hear/see from you if I were in her shoes.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I would go out with her tonight I think it's important you get to know who she is hanging around with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

If you ask her point blank "I want to work on my social issues, so let's plan a time to hang out with our friends. How's Friday night?" - what would she say? I'm still having trouble understanding how you are going to solve this issue by continuing to stay home while she goes out. 

Also, all of this affair talk seems beyond bizarre, especially considering that you guys are still newlyweds.


----------



## username123 (Jul 2, 2013)

VeggieMom said:


> You have gotten some excellent advice already. I just wanted to say something about this one--
> 
> She does not want space, she wants you. You say you will not push her. Maybe she wants to be pushed a little (gently). By that I mean, she has set up an emotional protection against your continued rejection of spending time with you by saying she no longer wants to. But inside I'll bet she really wants you to insist that you really do want to go with her.
> 
> ...


I was somewhat insistent about spending the forth of July together, and she still said she was not sure and she needed to think about it. She told me directly that she doesn't want to hang out with me right now.



justonelife said:


> If you ask her point blank "I want to work on my social issues, so let's plan a time to hang out with our friends. How's Friday night?" - what would she say? I'm still having trouble understanding how you are going to solve this issue by continuing to stay home while she goes out.
> 
> Also, all of this affair talk seems beyond bizarre, especially considering that you guys are still newlyweds.


There is something still planned for this weekend that she I think is still going to, I will insist that I go to that even though I already said I was going previously, maybe that can break the ice. I also agree in that don't think she is having an affair, because I don't think she would be so open about her talks with her friends if she was.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

username123 said:


> Thanks for your reply.
> 
> I guess I had the feeling that the other stuff I was doing due to summer break(keep the place neat, cooking dinner for when she returns, doing other thoughtful things) was enough. I didnt know it was hurting her so much. I will tell her about it for sure but I don't feel happy about needing to wait over a week.
> 
> ...


Doing things nice is well nice.

How about rocking her world? If you do not eventually someone else wil. Then I gues you would have more time for your studies ... think Big Bang Theory here.


----------



## username123 (Jul 2, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> How about rocking her world? If you do not eventually someone else wil. Then I gues you would have more time for your studies ... think Big Bang Theory here.


Our sex life is pretty good if that's what you mean(was, anyway).


----------



## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

username123 said:


> I am starting to realize this... before I flip my lid on these people, one of which is my friend too,


Understand that he is no longer a friend of yours. His choices have defined him. Get advice, just don't be complacent. Nobody in your group will trust a man that would hit on _their_ wives. This snake won't want that kind of publicity. Do whatever works for you.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

username123 said:


> Our sex life is pretty good if that's what you mean(was, anyway).


Was? Oh-oh...


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dude NOW. If she wont let you go with one more no. STOP pushing her underground. Have a friend tail her. I smell another Logan3 / eric 415. Hoping logan.

It may be early... Or not.

Dude that is bad.


----------



## username123 (Jul 2, 2013)

I don't think she is going out tonight. She is in the other room just sitting there. She won't engage me. Hardly talks to me, and is generally being very distant. I feel like this is the "space" she asks for so I am trying to leave her alone but its killing me. The love of my life is sitting right there and I cant talk to her.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sorry dude. Do the tailing thing when she does go out. Your last post sent my spidey senses to 8 of 10.

Hope its just girls behaving badly. A la logan. And not eric415.

What time does she come home again?

I hope im wrong. I really do.


----------



## username123 (Jul 2, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Sorry dude. Do the tailing thing when she does go out. Your last post sent my spidey senses to 8 of 10.
> 
> Hope its just girls behaving badly. A la logan. And not eric415.
> 
> ...


Not too late, like 10pm but we get up early. She is not going out tonight, she is just in the other room not talking to me. I suggested we do something and she just said no.

Could I get some references so I can read about those names you keep mentioning?


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

10 pm. Cool. you sent my spidey senses down a few notches. read the change thread by logan3. Unfortunately he confronted a bitbearly. He shoulda used a female PI to find out what exactly his wifevwas doing in the clubs in those cfm shoes. 

Hes happy with thebresults but she isbresentful now. Might not last.


----------



## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

username123 said:


> I don't think she is going out tonight. She is in the other room just sitting there. She won't engage me. Hardly talks to me, and is generally being very distant. I feel like this is the "space" she asks for so I am trying to leave her alone but its killing me. The love of my life is sitting right there and I cant talk to her.



You are about to lose her. Go get dressed, put some shoes on, get your car keys and tell her you are taking her out. Find some cool coffee bar or someplace like that and get going. Get on your knees so you can look her in the eyes, hold her hand, ask her to go with you. Tell her she is worth it to you.


----------

