# What my 180 looks like



## NotSleeping (Jan 3, 2013)

Just before Christmas, my wife dropped the bomb that she doesn't love me. Like many, I did all the wrong things until about the first week of January 2013. I have read advice about wife's MLC and so forth. 

Here's my 180, and I know she has noticed that I have changed -- she has emailed her friends saying "his renaissance" "he changed" ... I also know that so far the changes have not changed her mind about not want to be married. I'll see if time tells.

My 180 and other changes:

While she was out of town on a business trip for training:

1. changed wardrobe by buying jeans -- I have not worn jeans in at least 10 years
2. changed underwear from "******-tighties" to boxers
3. some new shirts

my wife actually buys many of my clothes, so this is out of character for me.

Behaviour changes:

1. No more "I love you's"
2. no begging, pleading, complaining. 
3. I let the little things slide, which used to bother me (e.g., furniture she buys, other minor things, small money matters)
4. no more asking about our relationship, suggesting concealing, or asking her how she feels
5. no gifts -- for Valentines Day I bought boxed chocolate for my 3 girls and for my wife, I'm giving her a card

My Get a Life (GAL)

1. starting taking pilot's lessons -- I was always interested, took a single lesson about 3 years ago -- now I'm going to follow through
2. joined a meet-up group to go hiking etc.
3. trying to form male friendships -- we're new to this area, having moved here just 18 months ago.
4. going out, even if it is me alone. Or coming home from work late.

Other changes

1. She negotiated with me her gym days. She used to go 4 nights/week, we agreed on 2 nights/week and every third week an extra session.

Doing this for about 1 month, and I'm still devastated and all I can think about is our relationship. I hope it get's easier. 

As I said, I know she has noticed the changes, but I also know it has not changed her mind. We've been married 22 years. I hope by June our relationship is more promising.


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## NotSleeping (Jan 3, 2013)

What I've gathered from my wife and by spying on her emails (OK, this is one thing that I have not been able to stop -- information such as this is valuable to me in judging where I stand with her, since she tells her girlfriends but not me).

She is in a MLC, and once or twice has acknowledged it. She is definitely confused, but other times complete rationale, and very cold-hearted, which is unlike her normally.

To her friends she has said one complaint is that "I'm not assertive enough" or that I'm essentially not the alpha male she wants. My wife is big into romance novels, and might have unrealistic expectations. However, after reading Married Man's Sex Life, I am also implementing those changes to up my alpha traits.

I sit at the head of the table always now.
I took her out last week to see Les Miserables, I chose the restaurant for afterwards without asking her at all (this is a big change)
I am exercising 4 days/week -- already in 1 month I see the changes.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Keep up the good work! You are doing things as right as you can under your circumstances. Don't do this 180 with the hope of getting her back because you will be disappointed. Do it for you to prepare yourself for your new life WITHOUT your wife. If she chooses to join you then count that as a bonus. If she chooses to leave then oh well, sucks to be her, and you will have a new YOU ready for the next Mrs. Notsleeping. You see, it's win-win. You are not losing anything by saying good bye to someone who doesn't love you. Marriages are rarely for life these days and relationships do end. 

Who is the other guy or is she a walk away wife? 

Congrats on becoming a student pilot. Flying is REALLY fun and exciting.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Marriages are rarely for life these days and relationships do end.


Not to be picky but actually 1/2 of them are for life.That's a little different than "rarely".Unless you can say at the same time rarely do marriages end unless due to death.And even the 50/50 %?Is a projection to my understanding.Its never actually hit a 50 % divorce rate..So its not 'rare" for a marriage to last for life.Maybe it seems that way to you but its not.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

May I ask why you decided a 180 was appropriate?

Prior to the bomb being dropped, did she complain about anything/ did you fight often? Can you give details on how arguments usually went?


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Dallasapple,
We need to stay on topic here but perhaps we can debate statistics in another thread?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Marriages are rarely for life these days and relationships do end.


Oh again not to be super uber picky but 2nd marriages are 20% less likely than first to last for the "rest of your life".Marriages born in adultery? 80% failure rate.I guess its a matter of which "marriage " you are referring to.1st time marriages have "about" a 50%+ chance of lasting a lifetime.Maybe you and I have a different definition of "rare".Rare to me means far outside the norm or the average.Like a rare bird.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> Dallasapple,
> We need to stay on topic here but perhaps we can debate statistics in another thread?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No that's O.K ..you said "rare"..to me "rare " is far below 1/2.I just wouldn't want this man who's marriage hangs in the balance to believe his odds are that low.So if you stop saying "rare" I'll stop stating facts.:smthumbup:


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

No facts have been stated here as facts must be backed by research. You have stated what you have heard on TV. Please, in a different thread, post a link to your research or you can continue to post your OPINION.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think it takes a while for a 180 to work. She sees changes, but she hasn't had time to evaluate if they're permanent or not, or what they mean.


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## NotSleeping (Jan 3, 2013)

Married in VA said:


> Who is the other guy or is she a walk away wife?
> 
> Congrats on becoming a student pilot. Flying is REALLY fun and exciting.


Since I have spied on her so effectively, I have a clear idea of what is going on. She is infatuated, like a school-girl with a guy that she met in the gym and who also works in the hospital where she works. This was not a PA and not really even an EA since they don't have much in the way of conversation. I confronted her about it and demanded that she stop this "friendship" or she had to move out. She agreed and stayed. After this, I saw in her emails/chats with her friends online that she complained that she couldn't even do affairs correctly since she got blamed for something, yet nothing happened.

I just learned yesterday, that she broke her word about the friendship. Last week at the hospital she bumped into him and followed him around for 15-20 minutes while he did his rounds.

It seems the OM doesn't have a full picture of her interest in him.

I'm not sure what to do about this situation either.


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## NotSleeping (Jan 3, 2013)

ComicBookLady said:


> May I ask why you decided a 180 was appropriate?
> 
> Prior to the bomb being dropped, did she complain about anything/ did you fight often? Can you give details on how arguments usually went?


She did not complain to me about much, and we did not fight that often. We recently moved and we had more fights about furniture she bought, and other stuff. We argued and were mad at each a lot about her 4 night/week gym routine where she came home at 5pm, and then left at 6pm - 8pm to the gym. Leaving me with my 3 young girls (aged 12, 10, and 6).

Why 180? I read books on surviving wife's MLC, and other books and this seemed the suggested strategy. Clearly pursuing her, asking her to reason, to think about all the good times together, and so forth was not working.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

What does MLC mean?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Great job on the 180, sounds like you got her attention.

MLC = mid life crisis. Aka imaginary excuse to cheat on loyal spouse.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

dallasapple said:


> Not to be picky but actually 1/2 of them are for life.That's a little different than "rarely".Unless you can say at the same time rarely do marriages end unless due to death.And even the 50/50 %?Is a projection to my understanding.Its never actually hit a 50 % divorce rate..So its not 'rare" for a marriage to last for life.Maybe it seems that way to you but its not.


Considering how many unhappily married people i know who will probably never get divorced, worry about the 50% number is kinda silly.

Still, I applaud you on your changes. Keep it up. Just be sure to be respectful while maintaining self respect and you'll do fine.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

OP,
As for the OM, here is what to do:

Confront her about the OM. Phrase it in such a way so she can't tell you have been spying. Then tell her:

"Honey, I love you and want to be married to you but I will not tolerate any further contact with OM. If you don't cease contact with him, I will have to evaluate if I am going to stay in this relationship."

Give her a day or two to break off contact with him. If she doesn't:

Separate finances, cancel joint credit cards, and start the 180.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

NotSleeping said:


> Since I have spied on her so effectively, I have a clear idea of what is going on. She is infatuated, like a school-girl with a guy that she met in the gym and who also works in the hospital where she works. This was not a PA and not really even an EA since they don't have much in the way of conversation. I confronted her about it and demanded that she stop this "friendship" or she had to move out. She agreed and stayed. After this, I saw in her emails/chats with her friends online that she complained that she couldn't even do affairs correctly since she got blamed for something, yet nothing happened.
> 
> I just learned yesterday, that she broke her word about the friendship. Last week at the hospital she bumped into him and followed him around for 15-20 minutes while he did his rounds.
> 
> ...


Ask a mod. to move your thread over to the Coping With Infidelity forum for advice.

You got the classic cheater speech; start preparing for the re-writing of marital history speech.

Too bad she works with the OM. Her addiction to him will continue to be fed unless she or he quits......

and she also sees him at the gym.......sigh.......

I feel so bad for your 3 young children. It sickens me that this is happening to your family.

Good job on the 180


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Also - don't leave the marital home.

She's unhappy; she goes.


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