# Lifestyle D/s info anyone?



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Hey all--I'm not sure this forum is the right place to ask this question, but here goes . . .

Can anyone out there recommend resources (Websites, blogs, forums, books) for information and support for dominant/submissive lifestyles, particularly for married couples?

I've poked around on the Web a bit, and there is a deluge of information that can quickly get overwhelming. I'm specifically looking for ideas/info on the submissive/slave side, and not just for sexual scenes/behaviors. 

I'd also be interested in hearing from anyone who has a D/s relationship with a spouse as a lifestyle. What are the advantages you see, what are the pitfalls? How did you get the dynamic established, how did you grow it? Is one partner more "into" the lifestyle, and how is this negotiated and what sort of problems does that cause? 

Thanks for any and all suggestions. I've been flirting with this kink for all of my adult life, and have finally opened up to my husband who, as luck may have it, seems to be enthusiastically on board with serving as yin to my yang.


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## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

EVERYONE is different. First look at a BDSM questionnaire/checklist and fill it out (just Google BDSM checklist). Some large cities have group meetings you can go to.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Have you read my blog? We have a full on kink lifestyle that we've tailored to our particular tastes. Our way isn't "your way" (anyone) but I think I give a good view of how fun it can be to create your own fantasy sex life.

There's also a website called Kink University (sorry I can't pull up the link right now for you but you'll find it with a quick search). That website is a wealth of information.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

OP you are def in the right place as there are a ton of people here that have good info. I see Faithful Wife has responded and she has good stuff to share. Anon Pink sent me this in my thread to read it was very helpful (she makes great contributions on here on this board and helped me as well with advice etc as well as others). 

Taken In Hand

Domestic Discipline | A Uniquely Different Life

I came across in looking into this thru having some issues with my wife that lead to this being introuduced. I am still in the beginning stages of doing this so i will let the posters here with better grasp give you direction. I can tell you for me, you gotta really look at everything it details and what is comfortable to you _both_. Make sure your husband knows all that goes into it and not look at it as something fun to do for a sexy weekend.

I am still working on the issues that is going on in my relationship so sometimes its hard to balance out. On the other hand my wife has responded well to it and has opened our relationship in a lot of aspects since we started. I can say its something that is satisfying her on multiple levels that she is shocked to beleive. So look and read all you can together and setup boundries and open communication from the start is my best advice. Best of luck.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Fetlife.com


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Getting It...I guess the question is, did you and your husband want to bring others into your sex life also? Because fetlife is about cheating and swinging, not just about BDSM itself. Just sayin'.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Getting It...I guess the question is, did you and your husband want to bring others into your sex life also? Because fetlife is about cheating and swinging, not just about BDSM itself. Just sayin'.


Not necessarily true. There are lots of posts on there about the lifestyle in general. Yes, there are people looking to swing or cheat or whatever, but there's still a lot of info for general knowledge.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Are you and your wife both on there?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Now you're going to accuse me of cheating??? Oh brother  My wife and I may not be the best communicators but we don't have secrets like that. You've really got a thing for me don't you.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I was under the impression from *you* that you are not satisfied with your sex life. Being that I know what fetlife is, IMO, it isn't a very safe place for someone who isn't happy at home to be wandering around. This doesn't just apply to you, sorry.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GettingIt, well holy cow girl the slave life??? You kinky little girl you! 

I can play slave for a day..tops! For us it's role play and not a lifestyle thing. Which is something you need to decide. Do you really want the lifestyle or do you want heavy role play?

As you know I read and write a lot of smut so for us, we kind of make it up as we go along. I think the most important thing to identify is the difference between wanting to be dominated and wanting to be a submissive. I am NOT submissive but I love to be dominated. I am strong so dominating me takes MORE strength, the kind of strength my nice guy can't bring to the table for long or regularly. I work on submitting myself and not being demanding...in progress 

Oh girl we are gonna have some fun with this!


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Eagle3 said:


> OP you are def in the right place as there are a ton of people here that have good info. I see Faithful Wife has responded and she has good stuff to share. Anon Pink sent me this in my thread to read it was very helpful (she makes great contributions on here on this board and helped me as well with advice etc as well as others).
> 
> Taken In Hand
> 
> ...


Eagle, I think I remember your thread, and I think I bookmarked some of the links AnonPink and others gave you in that thread. Exploring this has been very satisfying for both of us so far, too. It's bringing order to a relationship that has been nothing short of emotional chaos for most of its duration. We are both sort of amazed at how well what we've tried so far has been working. Agree about taking it slow--although the way it makes me feel makes me impatient to get the whole thing laid out and in operation. It's a pretty big change in dynamic for us, though. We've always played around with power and domination in the bedroom, but that is ramping up, and it's moving into our day to day lives, too.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

MrHappy said:


> EVERYONE is different. First look at a BDSM questionnaire/checklist and fill it out (just Google BDSM checklist). Some large cities have group meetings you can go to.


I'll look for the checklist-thanks. I know there are groups out there; but there is something intensely private about this to me. At this point in time I cannot see being a part of a larger "real life" community. Maybe that will change as this evolves for me.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Fetlife.com


Thanks for the link; I'll check it out. 



Faithful Wife said:


> Getting It...I guess the question is, did you and your husband want to bring others into your sex life also? Because fetlife is about cheating and swinging, not just about BDSM itself. Just sayin'.


No plans to open our sex lives to others. I'll be selective with the info at the link--I'm getting good at that as I explore this topic on the Web.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> GettingIt, well holy cow girl the slave life??? You kinky little girl you!
> 
> I can play slave for a day..tops! For us it's role play and not a lifestyle thing. Which is something you need to decide. Do you really want the lifestyle or do you want heavy role play?


We're moving past the roll play. More and more I crave the feeling of serenity and clarity that being submissive brings to me. I don't know much about how to incorporate it as a lifestyle for an already established couple, so that's where I'm running into problems finding info. 



Anon Pink said:


> As you know I read and write a lot of smut so for us, we kind of make it up as we go along. I think the most important thing to identify is the difference between wanting to be dominated and wanting to be a submissive. I am NOT submissive but I love to be dominated. I am strong so dominating me takes MORE strength, the kind of strength my nice guy can't bring to the table for long or regularly. I work on submitting myself and not being demanding...in progress


I've always enjoyed being dominated sexually, it's been fairly recently that I've realized that there is even more pleasure in submission both inside the bedroom and out. For us, it's more about will and discipline than physical strength, although that does come into play when it comes to my views on traits of a desirable Master. 



Anon Pink said:


> Oh girl we are gonna have some fun with this!


I know--I can barely think about anything else these days!


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Do you have young children GettingIt? I can't imagine this working very well with little kids in the house. 

Apologies if I'm mixing you up with someone.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> We're moving past the roll play. More and more I crave the feeling of serenity and clarity that being submissive brings to me. I don't know much about how to incorporate it as a lifestyle for an already established couple, so that's where I'm running into problems finding info.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have to say I firmly believe that the best dominants are former nice guys. They seem to have a good grasp of checking in to ensure all is well. The pitfalls of former nice guys though is lots of times they don't communicate too well so we have to check with them just as often.

Im so excited for you!


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Lyris said:


> Do you have young children GettingIt? I can't imagine this working very well with little kids in the house.
> 
> Apologies if I'm mixing you up with someone.


I have three ages 12 and under. I'd be interested in hearing more about why you think this could be problematic.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Oh mainly because they're always hanging around. Mine are anyway. 

Maybe I've got a poor understanding of the "lifestyle" definition. I'm thinking of the movie Secretary, but that's probably inaccurate. I don't really see how you could do something like that with kids around.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I have to say I firmly believe that the best dominants are former nice guys. They seem to have a good grasp of checking in to ensure all is well. The pitfalls of former nice guys though is lots of times they don't communicate too well so we have to check with them just as often.
> 
> Im so excited for you!


When we reconciled in April of last year after 10 years of very poor intimacy, one of the things we discovered as we explored the issues from those years was that I felt emotionally lost when my husband went all nice guy on me in an attempt to make me happy. He's done a ton of reading about it and seems happy to be putting his alpha back on. 

One of the reasons I want to take this slow is because I don't want my husband to feel like he has to act or be a certain way in order for me to be happy. In other words, I don't want him to feel enslaved by his Master status. I very much want him to lead, but only by his choice. 

Fortunately, our communication skills have improved immensely over the past nine months. This journey is certainly one in which communication is going to be absolutely key.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Lyris said:


> Oh mainly because they're always hanging around. Mine are anyway.
> 
> Maybe I've got a poor understanding of the "lifestyle" definition. I'm thinking of the movie Secretary, but that's probably inaccurate. I don't really see how you could do something like that with kids around.


It's been a long time since I've seen that movie. I don't think the non sexual dynamic will be evident to my kids or to anyone else who isn't looking for it. The sexual will, of course, be keep private.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lyris said:


> Oh mainly because they're always hanging around. Mine are anyway.
> 
> Maybe I've got a poor understanding of the "lifestyle" definition. I'm thinking of the movie Secretary, but that's probably inaccurate. I don't really see how you could do something like that with kids around.


You make non verbal signs that stand for directives/commands. If he makes the sign and follows that up with hey honey would you please.... Obviously certain posture are out but other normal postures can take on new meaning. You wouldn't believe how sexy a raised eyebrow can be when you are the only one who knows what exactly it means!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Or you can simply whisper the naughty stuff in each other's ear when others are around....kids, parents, co-workers, waiters....no one will know the difference while you are happily giving and receiving sexual instructions!


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> When we reconciled in April of last year after 10 years of very poor intimacy, one of the things we discovered as we explored the issues from those years was that I felt emotionally lost when my husband went all nice guy on me in an attempt to make me happy. He's done a ton of reading about it and seems happy to be putting his alpha back on.
> 
> One of the reasons I want to take this slow is because I don't want my husband to feel like he has to act or be a certain way in order for me to be happy. In other words, I don't want him to feel enslaved by his Master status. I very much want him to lead, but only by his choice.
> 
> Fortunately, our communication skills have improved immensely over the past nine months. This journey is certainly one in which communication is going to be absolutely key.



Getting It, sounds like you and your H are on the right path i see this going well for you. Getting the communication down is the best step and you seem to be succeeding on that level. I can relate so much in your point about losing emotion with the nice guy act. My wife still wants that from me in certain things but it was the full time of that i lost her. Add to that she was getting her fix of the opposite type of guy in novels that i was getting phased out and didnt know it till much later. 

As for the kids or others being around, something we have done is certain phrases or expressions have trigger meanings that can tell a whole story in a room of people that only we know the meaning behind.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Eagle3 said:


> Getting It, sounds like you and your H are on the right path i see this going well for you. Getting the communication down is the best step and you seem to be succeeding on that level. I can relate so much in your point about losing emotion with the nice guy act. My wife still wants that from me in certain things but it was the full time of that i lost her. Add to that she was getting her fix of the opposite type of guy in novels that i was getting phased out and didnt know it till much later.


Do you feel any resentment because she needs you to be a certain way in order to be fully present emotionally/sexually with you? I worry about my husband beginning to feel like he's not good enough just the way he is. It's not like that at all for me--I love him as he is, but when he is Master, he is exquisite, and I feel an indescribable rush of adoration and an intense desire to please him through obedience.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> Do you feel any resentment because she needs you to be a certain way in order to be fully present emotionally/sexually with you? I worry about my husband beginning to feel like he's not good enough just the way he is. It's not like that at all for me--I love him as he is, but when he is Master, he is exquisite, and I feel an indescribable rush of adoration and an intense desire to please him through obedience.


No not at all. I was resentful before this when she was not present with me emotionally or sexually and doing her own thing. Being included with her wants and desires makes me feel good and i love it as well. Its allowing me to do things i wanted to approach but we never communicated to do. Knowing she is connected to me thru this and wanting me etc...i dont look at not being good enough for her. Your last sentence hits home for me. She views me not as the Mr. Niceguy, the person to apprease her for everything, roomate etc...to a guy she cant wait to explore this with her and take her as she has been needing. Just give your H some assurance from time to time that he what he needs and desire and i am sure that will be good for him.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Eagle3 said:


> No not at all. I was resentful before this when she was not present with me emotionally or sexually and doing her own thing. Being included with her wants and desires makes me feel good and i love it as well. Its allowing me to do things i wanted to approach but we never communicated to do. Knowing she is connected to me thru this and wanting me etc...i dont look at not being good enough for her. Your last sentence hits home for me. She views me not as the Mr. Niceguy, the person to apprease her for everything, roomate etc...to a guy she cant wait to explore this with her and take her as she has been needing. Just give your H some assurance from time to time that he what he needs and desire and i am sure that will be good for him.


My husband has told me the same thing--he's very much into exploring this with me. He's been doing a ton of reading about the psychology behind submissive tendencies and behaviors, something that I have pointedly been avoiding. Sometimes I'll be telling him how I feel, trying to find ways to articulate what I'm sure are completely bizarre impulses and desires, and he'll be nodding his head in excitement and saying that what I describe lines up exactly with things he's been reading about. 

I've started a journal to try and sort out the feelings and desires and emotions associated with this. I've invited him to read it when ever he wants, but asked him not to let me know when he's read it, to treat it as prescriptive, or to comment on it unless he needs clarification on something troubling. It's not meant to be a way to communicate with him about this--when he has questions, I want him to come to me directly. We've spent hours discussing this, and I suspect that we will spend many more. The journal is my way of sorting through a process that is very new and, in many ways, confusing and full of conflicting feelings for me. It's also a place to direct my sometimes quite overflowing desires. My husband very much wants to understand all he can about this kink in general, and how it works for me specifically, and I think he is happy to have an invitation to read what I write as I process things for myself.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

OP, there is a ton of "info" on the net and there are actually old fashion books too  That said, you will find many people who want to offer you etiquette, rules, contracts etc. while claiming expert status for themselves. I'd suggest you read a lot and explore the aspects that interest you. Create the experience that suites you. A D/s relationship can be so subtle as to be almost unrecognizable.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> I have three ages 12 and under. I'd be interested in hearing more about why you think this could be problematic.



How big a house do you live in? I can't see 50 Shades of Anything happening in a smallish house with kids around... 

Addressing the location issues first could actually make the experience better since you won't be worrying that 3-under-12 will be barging in...


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Shoto1984 said:


> OP, there is a ton of "info" on the net and there are actually old fashion books too  That said, you will find many people who want to offer you etiquette, rules, contracts etc. while claiming expert status for themselves. I'd suggest you read a lot and explore the aspects that interest you. Create the experience that suites you. *A D/s relationship can be so subtle as to be almost unrecognizable.*


Yes, and this is the sort of relationship I think we'll likely develop. It's very subtle. It's not about him ordering me around all day. It's about me learning what pleases him, then anticipating his desires and fulfilling them. It's about feeling owned by someone who I trust to fulfill my desires to be led, including providing appropriate physical reminders of my status as submissive. 

What most people would see, I think, would be a loving and attentive wife, and a husband who frequently touches and addresses his wife. In many ways, I see D/s as an intensely intimate bond between two people.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

john117 said:


> How big a house do you live in? I can't see 50 Shades of Anything happening in a smallish house with kids around...
> 
> Addressing the location issues first could actually make the experience better since you won't be worrying that 3-under-12 will be barging in...


The size of our house is not relevant to the lifestyle we are interested in pursuing. When we need privacy, we can have it. My husband works at home, all of our kids are in school, and their bedtime is early. Besides, spontaneity is not part of the lifestyle insofar as I'm coming to understand it. 

I've never read 50 Shades of Gray. 

I did give my husband a copy of The Story of O early in our relationship, however. It's rather dog eared after all these years.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> How big a house do you live in? I can't see 50 Shades of Anything happening in a smallish house with kids around...
> 
> Addressing the location issues first could actually make the experience better since you won't be worrying that 3-under-12 will be barging in...


No equipment or room needed for this lifestyle.

In BDSM you can take one, two, three, or all four of those components. And actually the S can stand for either submission or sadism. It's up to each person what components they like and want and what they don't like or want.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

One other related question I have is about domestic discipline and how common a practice it is. I suspect that spanking is a pretty common sexual kink--that's how it started for me, anyway--but I've come to discover that it has a very central role in the D/s lifestyle that we're exploring. There is absolutely no one except my husband that I could discuss this with in RL . . . so if anyone has any experience with it, I'm all ears. I never, never in a million years would have guessed that this is what has been missing, this is what I've needed in order to intensely connect with my husband and feel emotionally stable.

My husband sent me this blog post today. I could have written it. It's dead on. It makes me feel like I'm not crazy.

THE DISCIPLINED FEMINIST: Why Spanking Matters

I get the impression that the BDSM community on TAM is small, so perhaps I'll look for another forum, but I sorta like you guys, so . . . impressions? I'm particularly interested in hearing from men as to whether spanking as a means to help your wife regain and maintain emotional balance and mental clarity would be something you'd be willing to participate in. 

The act of spanking is, as the blogger points out, inherently sexual . . . but spanking as domestic discipline is not meant to be "sex." It does posit sex as the dominant psychological factor in a relationship, which is fascinating and enlightening to me given that we're are less than a year out of a sexual dry spell that lasted ten years. I always thought it we didn't have sex because our relationship sucked, but I am slowly coming to realize that the sexual is foundational to me being able to emotionally function in a relationship with my husband. 

It makes me wonder how many other women out there are like me--so much in need of something, but lost as to what? Most particularly the women who need to hyper control their lives, their husbands, their schedules . . . women who are slaves to controlling their lives, insisting that the WILL be happy and WILL be in charge. And their husbands accept it, and no one is happy in the end. 

Just some musing.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

For me, spanking isn't about domestic discipline. It is about keeping me in line because I'm a dirty wh*re. So it is more about sexual discipline. Whee!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Also Getting It....It sounds like you haven't seen the movie Secretary? You and your H should watch it together ASAP. It is so awesome!

Check this out, the "famous" spanking scene:

Secretary - MOST FAMOUS SCENE - YouTube


There's a later hysterical scene where she misses him and wants a spanking, so she attempts to give one to herself with a hairbrush.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Also Getting It....It sounds like you haven't seen the movie Secretary? You and your H should watch it together ASAP. It is so awesome!
> 
> Check this out, the "famous" spanking scene:
> 
> ...


Yes, we've seen it, but it's been a few years. Might be a good one to see again!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Love that scene! 

GettingIt, as soon as I read my first few stories involving BDSM and DD I knew this was sort of what I wanted. Sort of because I can't fully trust my husband to meet my needs, spoken, written down, put in list form...he just doesn't get it. He can do it some things some times, but he is just too out of touch with his own feelings to really make this work for us. I wish we could. So I content myself with occasional role play.

I've written a few posts here and there in which I have stated there have been so many times where my emotions are all over the place and I'm trying so hard to keep things under control and I wish so much he would step in and take control. But emotions scare the crap out of him so he backs off and shuts down. It's like trying to tame a bird.

I envy you in that your husband can step up and doesn't shut down. 

Things are tense again with us. Back on the merry go round...


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Love that scene!
> 
> GettingIt, as soon as I read my first few stories involving BDSM and DD I knew this was sort of what I wanted. Sort of because I can't fully trust my husband to meet my needs, spoken, written down, put in list form...he just doesn't get it. He can do it some things some times, but he is just too out of touch with his own feelings to really make this work for us. I wish we could. So I content myself with occasional role play.
> 
> ...


One of the things I fear about going down this road is the question of what happens if my husband reaches his limit before I do. I try not to focus on the "what ifs," but the further I go, the more I understand how much I NEED this. I'd rather not get it started, then come to rely on it and have it taken away. 

I think I can understand your situation more clearly than I could before, and it must truly suck. I was reading a forum today in which the question of whether someone other than a spouse can step in and fulfill this need . . . and, of course, the answer is "no" for most couples. I suppose it would be like bringing in a third party to fulfill a sexual need--too emotionally fraught. 

Having my emotions all over the place is something I've lived with for too long--the affects of physical discipline on calming me down, bringing me clarity and focus, and on allowing to to reevaluate situations sanely is nothing short of miraculous. It's like a drug, to be honest. 

I'm beginning to realize how lucky I am that my husband is on board, especially given how he suffered with trying to get me to understand his needs for so long. 

Sending you wishes that the rocky period is short and resolves sweetly . . . or with a good thrashing.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

GettingIt, you raise a valid concern, I guess I would ask do you feel he is into this on his own accord or more to be a great husband etc...from what I have read he seems very helpful and willing which is great, but if there is none of this that he likes for himself and would want to explore than I would be a little worried. 

My wife also had that concern, but after doing research and talking about where to take it, I am into it on my own and bringing stuff in myself. That has put her at ease in not thinking this is her journey to take alone. I am anxious/excited to see where this can go. My concern for my issue is more we still have some issues needing to be addressed and worried they might resurface while we are getting more involved. 

I think you are on the right path and pulling for you.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Eagle3 said:


> GettingIt, you raise a valid concern, I guess I would ask do you feel he is into this on his own accord or more to be a great husband etc...from what I have read he seems very helpful and willing which is great, but if there is none of this that he likes for himself and would want to explore than I would be a little worried.
> 
> My wife also had that concern, but after doing research and talking about where to take it, I am into it on my own and bringing stuff in myself. That has put her at ease in not thinking this is her journey to take alone. I am anxious/excited to see where this can go. My concern for my issue is more we still have some issues needing to be addressed and worried they might resurface while we are getting more involved.
> 
> I think you are on the right path and pulling for you.


I think your wife and I are damn lucky to have been able to open up to our spouses and have them respond in kind. The question of whether my husband will be able find this desirable was much on my mind in the beginning, but he is outpacing me in his interest. His response has been very strong both emotionally and physically. It's incredibly reassuring.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> One of the things I fear about going down this road is the question of what happens if my husband reaches his limit before I do. I try not to focus on the "what ifs," but the further I go, the more I understand how much I NEED this. I'd rather not get it started, then come to rely on it and have it taken away.
> 
> I think I can understand your situation more clearly than I could before, and it must truly suck. I was reading a forum today in which the question of whether someone other than a spouse can step in and fulfill this need . . . and, of course, the answer is "no" for most couples. I suppose it would be like bringing in a third party to fulfill a sexual need--too emotionally fraught.
> 
> ...



Someone looking for a simple cathartic release might be able to make it work outside of marriage, but what a sticky ball of wax that would be! No Thanks! That's not what I'm looking for or need anyway.

The eroticism aside, putting your faith, trust and surrender into the hands of your spouse is extremely liberating! And it can only be done when there already exists a deep level of intimacy. That your spouse knows you well enough, has accurate predictive abilities, not to mention a sense of humor and timing, are vital because this does place a rather sizable burden on him. As such, I don't see any couple going down this road lightly or on a whim.

There is a vast array of blogging done by the submissive, but very little put out by the dominant. I've never come across a relationship based blog from HIS perspective, so I hope Eagle3 keeps posting!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

There is plenty of first hand domme info at Kink Academy.

Kink Academy - On-demand kink education and sex-ed • Pleasantly Perverted Sex Education

NSFW and must be 18 to enter.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Be warned....that site has EVERYTHING....but I linked it because it most definitely has a lot of first hand domme articles, stories, information and instructions.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> The eroticism aside, putting your faith, trust and surrender into the hands of your spouse is extremely liberating! And it can only be done when there already exists a deep level of intimacy. That your spouse knows you well enough, has accurate predictive abilities, not to mention a sense of humor and timing, are vital because this does place a rather sizable burden on him. As such, I don't see any couple going down this road lightly or on a whim.


You nailed it. 

Introducing this as the new dynamic to be upheld 24/7 (as a goal, anyway--we know we will fail and have to reestablish periodically) into a relationship that had been previously something very different . . . well, I'm not finding a ton of info out there on it. But I think you are right about us having the basic tools to be able to do it--the intimacy and the humor, most particularly!



Anon Pink said:


> There is a vast array of blogging done by the submissive, but very little put out by the dominant. I've never come across a relationship based blog from HIS perspective, so I hope Eagle3 keeps posting!


I have found the same to be true. I very much want to understand this from the dominant's point of view--the issues, the pitfalls, the difficulties, etc. I am highly aware of the burden this places on my husband, just as he has spoken with respect and appreciation for the work that it requires of me. In in a committed relationship within a family setting, communication and planning and timing and trust are of utmost importance. I'd like to find some dom blogs that focus on those elements less than the sexual undercurrents. 

For those reasons, I am VERY interested in Eagle3's perspective. I'm also interested in knowing how other men would feel about fulfilling this sort of role for a wife. Is it too much to ask, or is it something most men would be willing to at lease explore? 
Mostly I'm curious how typical my husband's and Eagle3's responses are. Do we have unusually giving spouses, or did we just luck out to marry someone with matching kinks? Is having a submissive wife as a lifestyle something that is a common, yet unspoken, desire among men?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> There is plenty of first hand domme info at Kink Academy.
> 
> Kink Academy - On-demand kink education and sex-ed • Pleasantly Perverted Sex Education
> 
> NSFW and must be 18 to enter.


I'll have to take a look at this. Most of the dom stuff I've seen hasn't been geared toward committed couples in the lifestyle. But I've not spent much time looking, either. My husband is more focussed on trying to understand the submissive mentality, so he's found a lot out there, like AnonPink mentioned. I want to learn how to make this as easy and pleasant an experience for my husband as possible. When it stops being a good thing for him, it stops being a good thing for me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Getting....so you haven't checked out TIH? That's really where what you are talking about gets talked about. It talks about full time DD marriages, both the man and woman's perspectives, gives many examples of going from zero to full time DD, etc.

Taken In Hand


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> The eroticism aside, putting your faith, trust and surrender into the hands of your spouse is extremely liberating! And it can only be done when there already exists a deep level of intimacy. That your spouse knows you well enough, has accurate predictive abilities, not to mention a sense of humor and timing, are vital because this does place a rather sizable burden on him. As such, I don't see any couple going down this road lightly or on a whim.


This is a beautiful post, AP. When I read it the other day, I thought, "That sounds like our marriage!"

I showed it to my dh, and he said, "What burden does it put on him?" I didn't really understand, either.

We talked about it this morning, after rereading your post, and dh said maybe some men feel that it is too much work to have to listen to their wives, to really try to understand them, and to take responsibility for the marriage and the family. He said they might feel it would be a lot easier to just have an equal partnership, with no one person having more responsibility than the other.

I would be interested in your thoughts on what burden this puts on a man. Thank you!


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Also Getting It....It sounds like you haven't seen the movie Secretary? You and your H should watch it together ASAP. It is so awesome!
> 
> Check this out, the "famous" spanking scene:
> 
> ...


Thank you for suggesting this - I'm watching the movie now. They're dealing with the earthworm. 

I don't think I want to be spanked, but I definitely like being told what to do.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

That movie had some seriously good acting regardless of its subject.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Getting....so you haven't checked out TIH? That's really where what you are talking about gets talked about. It talks about full time DD marriages, both the man and woman's perspectives, gives many examples of going from zero to full time DD, etc.
> 
> Taken In Hand


I have spent some time there, but have concluded it's not quite what I'm looking for. Perhaps I need to give it a deeper look, but I found the writing a bit staid and vanilla. The more my husband and I explore this, the better idea I'm getting of the sort of resources I need. There is a balancing act, for me, between the eroticism, the self control/will to obey, and acceptance of discipline that I'm just coming to understand myself. My husband is developing an understanding of his own desires as well. We have to balance it all with a household, careers, and other responsibilities. A learning process for us both, but one that we find increasingly rewarding and exciting.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

jld said:


> This is a beautiful post, AP. When I read it the other day, I thought, "That sounds like our marriage!"
> 
> I showed it to my dh, and he said, "What burden does it put on him?" I didn't really understand, either.
> 
> ...


The burden is exactly as you've stated. It takes effort to the listen and understand. It is a risk to make decisions because you might be wrong. If you haven't taken the effort to listen and understand, the decision you make will likely be wrong...right?

That is the burden I've been trying to get my husband to willingly undertake. To put effort into listening and understanding, to take the risk of making a decision.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> I have spent some time there, but have concluded it's not quite what I'm looking for. Perhaps I need to give it a deeper look, but I found the writing a bit staid and vanilla. The more my husband and I explore this, the better idea I'm getting of the sort of resources I need. There is a balancing act, for me, between the eroticism, the self control/will to obey, and acceptance of discipline that I'm just coming to understand myself. My husband is developing an understanding of his own desires as well. We have to balance it all with a household, careers, and other responsibilities. A learning process for us both, but one that we find increasingly rewarding and exciting.


I really like that web site. Sent some links to Mr. Pink.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

I suppose I could weigh in on a few things.

For starters, fetlife.com is probably the best community site. Contrary to implications, it's not a dating or hookup site for kinky people (if you want that go to collarme or alt.com). It's more of a facebook for kinky people, and though trolling for connections goes on, the site's owners deliberately designed it so that you couldn't search for people by criteria in an effort to minimize that behavior and it's not too hard to avoid almost all of it. And there are plenty of useful corners and groups there. 

First thing to reiterate is that there is *VERY* wide spectrum of behavior and activity that gets put under the "kinky" label. D/s is very different than BDSM, and interest are as varied as people. Some people are all about the sex or seeking physical experiences, others engage in activity that doesn't get sexual at all, and for some it's all in their head. Some are fiercely lifetime monogamous, others might chase variety. And many people are just somewhere in-between the various extremes.

I say all that above, because there is no "One True Way" for all.. just what's right for you, your partner, and your specific relationship. Like any other relationship (and especially marriage), it's about both parties getting their needs met and being beneficial. 

At first glance people tend to think that a Master/Slave or Dom/Sub relationship is mostly one way- the sub serving the dom - and many people new to it make the mistake of thinking that is so. It's better to use the term 'Power Exchange' and see that both parties are very much in service to each other, but not in the same ways or at the same times. Consider how often in normal marriages there is something like "I'm happy to feed and raise the kids but so glad you are the one doing the house repairs, and making the money etc"... Child care and house repairs aren't being split "50/50" like so many experts advise, they're completely one-sided, but both parties are happier and feel like they are playing to their respective strengths. The asymmetrical nature of a good power exchange relationship is like that; both parties are saying they are not the same, and don't want the same, but that working together they're both coming out ahead.

A key observation I've had to what make a 24/7 D/s relationship successful is that 1) the dominant partner wants to (and does) take responsibility and lead all the time, and not just when it suits them, and 2) the submissive partner tries to obey and follow all the time, and not just when they feel like it. That takes trust, integrity, commitment, and more trust. Nobody gets it right 100% of the time, but they don't stop trying. Devising frameworks for dealing with failures/when things go wrong is a big deal and helps make things successful. Having that plan for when things go wrong/unexpected and removing ambiguity from the relationship is usually a strong draw for those involved.

Communication is constant and paramount, and a couple rules are highly advised: One is that there is NO expectation of mind-reading by the other partner allowed, and the other is the corollary that you can't hold someone responsible for something you failed to tell them (clearly) about. Both parties have to own their own s**t and mistakes. Boundaries and rules have to be enforced consistently, and the dom has the harder role of policing himself* as well as his sub, but the payoff is that the sub sees that they can trust the dom when they relinquish control (safety). 

It especially falls upon the dom to know his sub inside and out. Since he is making (most of) the decisions, they need to be informed ones. It falls upon the sub to be unflinchingly honest, and forthcoming when asked so her dom has the information needed to do his best. Many of a couple's D/s individual interactions are hard to distinguish from what we discuss when a partner is strongly Alpha - the mian difference is probably that *both know* exactly why its being done that way are working to make it that way as often as possible. 

You probably noticed that I haven't even touched on sex. That's the easy part, and works best when surrounded with a satisfying and healthy relationship. Some strongly D/s couples are very vanilla in the bedroom - there's no requirement that says you need a bunny flogger, purple leather restraints and a spreader bar.... er.. every time.

It's probably no surprise that we discuss many of these things in non-kink relationships here on TAM - they have so much to do with basic trust and respect in a relationship.

Every D/s couple I know has to live in the real world, dealing with employers, children, and whatnot and has figure out for themselves where to draw the lines.


* switch genders as needed - you try writing that gender free and making it read smoothly...


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Thanks for speaking up Anubis, and for being so articulate about some of the weightier issues involved in this lifestyle. My husband and I have arrived at many of the same observations that you point out here--post particularly that this is something that has no set road map. But that's okay--much of the fun has been in the discovery. Never in our 24 year relationship have we been in such agreement over something. Contrary to what we had come to fear, we really do fit hand in glove--but only in THIS framework, it seems. 

This especially resonates with me:



Anubis said:


> A key observation I've had to what make a 24/7 D/s relationship successful is that 1) the dominant partner wants to (and does) take responsibility and lead all the time, and not just when it suits them, and 2) the submissive partner tries to obey and follow all the time, and not just when they feel like it. That takes trust, integrity, commitment, and more trust. Nobody gets it right 100% of the time, but they don't stop trying. Devising frameworks for dealing with failures/when things go wrong is a big deal and helps make things successful. Having that plan for when things go wrong/unexpected and removing ambiguity from the relationship is usually a strong draw for those involved.


I am pragmatic enough to realize that there will be times when my H fails in his role, and times when I fail in mine. We are working on having a plan in place for that, but the ideas are slow to come. I mean, what do you do if one person says, "I don't feel like it today?" We absolutely want to have a protocol for when that happens. But what? 

The sex side, the kink side, as you say, is secondary. I must say, though, for us, the entire D/s dynamic is infused with an energy that I describe as a sort of low-level arousal. When it's working, I feel that "buzz" all the time. It's very pleasant, not a distracting feeling at all. Now that I've discovered it, it's almost impossible for me not to seek it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

That was a great post, Anubis. Do you have your story somewhere on this site? Would you mind linking it?

I think this is a beautiful lifestyle. You must have to be wired for it, though, because I think there are some people here who would strongly object to it. 

Dh did comment this morning that he is surprised some men would not want it. He said he would have thought every man would like it.

And is there anyone here who has really struggled with guilt over not having the "normal" 50-50 relationship? 

Dh finally made some headway with me on this a few years ago, when he told me, "We are animals. Humans are animals." 

Somehow hearing that helped me to think there was something natural and normal about these feelings, these primal desires. Otherwise I just always felt so conflicted, like I had let the whole feminist movement down. 

Sheesh, sometimes I still feel that way.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

Thank-you Anubis for your post, it was very interesting and helpful. Like Gettingit, I too am learning as I go with this and all that goes into it. I agree with you that communication has to be always open and not lost sight of. Also to say committed to what you are doing. I too worry about what happens if I don’t make the right decision or don’t come across like I should or how my wife wants me to. Will I be letting her down and have her not have the faith in me that she does now? Right now I am providing her with what she has been wanting but we are human and I am sure I am bound to make a mistake. I don’t want to lose the trust I am building up and want to make sure she is being fulfilled on her end from me. 

For example recently I thought I went too far one nigth in something we did. I worried like crazy till the morning. Thankfully she cried in my arms and told me that night was everything she needed and had been yearning for a long time. This was a non-sexual incident but I never felt her so emotionally lost to me or closer in a long time. That is what I don’t want to jeopardize or mess up. This is a learning experience and new world for us so reading others thoughts and experiences on here has been great.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

jld said:


> That was a great post, Anubis. Do you have your story somewhere on this site? Would you mind linking it?
> 
> I think this is a beautiful lifestyle. You must have to be wired for it, though, because I think there are some people here who would strongly object to it.
> 
> ...


Funny, I've felt the feminist movement let ME down. Don't feel like that anymore but in my early adult years I felt like embracing my softer side, being vulnerable, needing my husbands attention all made me a bad feminist! The message I got was that women don't need men...period! But we do! Maybe not a man exactly but we do need our chosen partner and we do need that emotional connection and we do need to feel cared for, cherished and loved. Having those needs do not make us dependent, nor codependent, but interdependent. 

I do NEED my husband and that doesn't detract from my intelligence, independence, or competence. Because of my husband I am better at all three.

No, I don't feel the slightest guilt anymore for being a tad kinky or for proudly flying my freak flag!


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

Interesting thread. A few months back there was someone who posted a sex fantasy quiz and this was something she wanted to try so that got us experimenting with D/s in the bedroom. It didn't take me long to get the hang of it since I'm almost always the one taking the lead in bed and I found that I liked it and she absolutely loved it. 

We haven't talked about it outright but I get the feeling she would be like to give the 24/7 thing a trial run at least. And I guess I'm one of those guys who aren't exactly jumping at the idea of a 24/7 D/s relationship. We're still reconciling so I don't think our marriage is anywhere near stable enough for this kind of a shift, putting the majority of the responsibility of our marriage on my shoulders. Its been said it takes a ton of trust and a commitment to make it work out both of which are lacking towards her and I still have days where I feel inclined to walk. 

Plus I'm use to doing everything for myself, do most of the cleaning and cooking in our house. Also she brings in most of our income at the moment since it's my turn to go back to school. I feel a bit awkward taking control of the marriage from this position.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Refuse to be played said:


> Interesting thread. A few months back there was someone who posted a sex fantasy quiz and this was something she wanted to try so that got us experimenting with D/s in the bedroom. It didn't take me long to get the hang of it since I'm almost always the one taking the lead in bed and I found that I liked it and she absolutely loved it.
> 
> We haven't talked about it outright but I get the feeling she would be like to give the 24/7 thing a trial run at least. And I guess I'm one of those guys who aren't exactly jumping at the idea of a 24/7 D/s relationship. We're still reconciling so I don't think our marriage is anywhere near stable enough for this kind of a shift, putting the majority of the responsibility of our marriage on my shoulders. Its been said it takes a ton of trust and a commitment to make it work out both of which are lacking towards her and I still have days where I feel inclined to walk.
> 
> Plus I'm use to doing everything for myself, do most of the cleaning and cooking in our house. Also she brings in most of our income at the moment since it's my turn to go back to school. I feel a bit awkward taking control of the marriage from this position.


I agree that trying to institute a D/s when your intimacy and trust is already on shaky ground is probably not a good idea. However, it might be something to talk about and explore as you reconcile. In my case, it was exactly what we needed to finally move past issues we've be struggling with for our entire 24 year relationship. It wasn't until we'd reconciled to very good intimacy standing before we recognized D/s as something that could be the silver bullet for problems that had always tripped us up from really synching as a couple. 

It's probably normal for you to feel "awkward" as the dominant partner when she will be the main breadwinner. However, from what I understand, D/s relationships are unique and fully negotiated between the two participants. I'd suggest that both of you do a lot of reading and exploring and, most important, TALKING to one another about why this is attractive to each of you--not just for sexual play, but as a framework for your relationship. 

One more thing--you mention that "the majority of the responsibility" will be on your shoulders as the dominant. I don't think of it that way. Your responsibilities will be equal, but different. There is a ton of work to be done by each party, and it should be suited to their strengths. Her commitment to her responsibilities as the submissive partner will have to be just as strong as yours as dominant partner. If either of you somehow feel that you are shouldering more of the "burden" in the marriage, I think problems could develop.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Funny, I've felt the feminist movement let ME down. Don't feel like that anymore but in my early adult years I felt like embracing my softer side, being vulnerable, needing my husbands attention all made me a bad feminist! The message I got was that women don't need men...period! But we do! Maybe not a man exactly but we do need our chosen partner and we do need that emotional connection and we do need to feel cared for, cherished and loved. Having those needs do not make us dependent, nor codependent, but interdependent.
> 
> I do NEED my husband and that doesn't detract from my intelligence, independence, or competence. Because of my husband I am better at all three.
> 
> No, I don't feel the slightest guilt anymore for being a tad kinky or for proudly flying my freak flag!


I don't feel so much misled by what I learned about feminism, as I feel that I let myself down for not being smart enough to realize that how I live personally with my partner has little to do with my worth as a woman in society at large. I want everything that feminism promises, but nowhere is it written that I have to trade my happiness to achieve it. My intimate life is my own. Why was it so hard for me to see that?

I remember CLEARLY in college (where I took quite a few sexuality and culture classes, as it is a topic that always fascinated me) that politics had no place in fantasy--that just because you had rape fantasies in no way meant that you wanted any part in ACTUAL rape. Why did it take me so long to realize that, while submitting to my husband makes me feel at total peace with my emotions, my intellect, and my sexual identity, it it no way is a reflection on how I want to be treated by men at large?

I feel like I have no one to blame but myself. Not that I'm beating myself up over it--it seems like, in our society, the body and mind personal often gets subjugated to the body and mind public.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> However, from what I understand, D/s relationships are unique and fully negotiated between the two participants.


Negotiate? I didn't know you could negotiate!

j/k


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Funny, I've felt the feminist movement let ME down.


That sounds interesting. Would you mind elaborating?

And thank you for responding to my post.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

jld said:


> Negotiate? I didn't know you could negotiate!
> 
> j/k


Pssssstt, lean in, and don't tell anyone, but . . (we subs actually have all the power.)

JK! JK! JK!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> I don't feel so much misled by what I learned about feminism, as I feel that I let myself down for not being smart enough to realize that how I live personally with my partner has little to do with my worth as a woman in society at large. I want everything that feminism promises, but nowhere is it written that I have to trade my happiness to achieve it. My intimate life is my own. Why was it so hard for me to see that?
> 
> I remember CLEARLY in college (where I took quite a few sexuality and culture classes, as it is a topic that always fascinated me) that politics had no place in fantasy--that just because you had rape fantasies in no way meant that you wanted any part in ACTUAL rape. Why did it take me so long to realize that, while submitting to my husband makes me feel at total peace with my emotions, my intellect, and my sexual identity, it it no way is a reflection on how I want to be treated by men at large?
> 
> I feel like I have no one to blame but myself. Not that I'm beating myself up over it--it seems like, in our society, the body and mind personal often gets subjugated to the body and mind public.


I went to a small catholic college...so our women's assertiveness classes looked more like how to say no. Also had to take a religion class...very angry years for me so it's highly probable that if the rounded message was given, I didn't hear it.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I went to a small catholic college...so our women's assertiveness classes looked more like how to say no. Also had to take a religion class...very angry years for me so it's highly probable that if the rounded message was given, I didn't hear it.


I went to a prestigious progressive university where the message was pounded into me daily. And I still didn't hear it. :scratchhead:


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> I went to a prestigious progressive university where the message was pounded into me daily. And I still didn't hear it. :scratchhead:



In the semi prestigious school I attended back in the dark ages they had only one undergrad human sexuality course and it was open to soc/psych majors only... Meanwhile in my kids school they have way too many such classes, seminars, etc. But they're pretty nonchalant about it.

If culture, religion, and family influences have hard wired certain ways of thinking. I think it would take some time to discover alternate ways regardless of influence. The important thing is that there is a choice.


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