# Things have changed... and its worse!!



## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Ok from my original post my husband said he was leaving me becuase he was not in love with me, but he loves me.

He felt that I was a rebound and he tried to make things work with me.

Well I find out over the weekend after letting my son stay with his dad overnight that he has been having a 2 year long affair with a woman he met at work.!

To say i was shocked doesnt even begin explain what i was feeling. Its not even that im shocked about it, it has completely changed the over all course of my life and the life of my children.

The last 2 weeks has been a roller coaster of emotions. Not only is he having an affair for 2 freaking years this woman is married to a man who is in jail for life for child molestation/rape of a minor of 12 years old!!!

This woman fully knew he was married and was trying to work it out with his wife and when my husband introduced my son to her, in order to confuse him they allowed my 3 year old baby to call her by my first name, so when i asked questions about what he did with his dad that he would sound confused!!

Im disgusted... im distraught, embarrassed to name a few emotions, i am so beyond betrayed at this point.

For the past 2 years we had been trying to have another baby.... on his accord.. I wasnt ready to have another baby but i went along with it because i thought it was the right thing to do.

Meanwhile he is promising me this future together, and promising this other woman a future together. 

And to add insult to injury the only thing he has apologized about is how he handled things.. 

and had the AUDACITY to tell me that im looking for an apology for something that he cant give me right now.

so like a dumb dumb im calling him telling him we need to talk about things.. but then he never says anything and he tells me i dont want to talk i just want to interrogate him.. and im like if thats how you feel why do you keep calling me back to let me interrogate him.

Like im soooo beyond done with this situation.

I tell him that the situation is completely different now and that we need to split our savings account and I want half.

at this point i need to protect me and my child.. and its sad that now i have to protect us from HIM!..

whats crazy Is I love him still i know he is messed up but i know he is an alcoholic(in recovery)... He is so confused and he is so convinced that he has done the right thing, no matter what the outcome,e. But i told him I cant be there to save him anymore.

This other woman can have him.. that's now her headache and her problem...

I just hope she doesn't get her pregnant.. for the sake of our own kids right now... this is so F'ed up! *sigh*

thanks for reading


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

So so sorry.

You are way better off with him disappearing off your rear view mirror.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Let her have him, you and your kids don't deserve such callous, rotten treatment. 'Love' is a verb, if he loved you he could never treat you like this is a million years. He doesn't know the true meaning of the word.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

I'm sorry you've joined this club that no one wants to be in. I'm relatively new and I'm struggling but some of the advice you get on here you need to follow. First, get legal assistance and separate your finances. Next, and you've heard this before, NC, 180 his sorry rear end. Get IC, and use this site. I promise that I'll follow along with your story to help as much as I can.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

I am sorry brystensmom. . One of the things I have learned on this journey is we cannot fathom what they do to us, as we would never pull that ****. Hold your head high, and move forward. You have your sweet son to take care of and teach.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

I appreciate everyone from responding.. this... lol this... THIS is the highlight of my entire day. You people i dont even know, could even muster the energy to even care... when you all are in so much pain.

But all in all the plan is a firm 180!(my attempts so far have been weak and in bad judgement... and not knowing the truth)

Tomorrow morning i will be calling for IC and I will get through this.

As much as i love him and want him to get better.. its not my problem.. F him!

He will not steal another joy from me...I realize how much I have been missing in my life and i Dont want to miss another thing.

Yes Im hurt, and everything else but.. I am much stronger than I have been. 

The glimmer of hope i needed, I found right here and right now..and I feel Good.. not ok.. or alright. I feel good.

Down days and all... talking about it to people who understand, and then IC I will be fine and on the right track to taking care of my son, emotionally because unfortunately his fathers choices are deluded confused and born of an addictive behavior


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

You learn a lot from your anger. Remember that in your weak moments, and stay strong.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Huge hugs. Your doing amazing - keep putting one foot infront of the other and slowly you'll begin to piece things together again x


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Brystensmom, go over to http://chumplady.com and read some articles there. It will help you process some of the infidelity stuff as well as get some perspective on other people's dashed reconciliation hopes. I highly recommend it.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

helolover said:


> Brystensmom, go over to Chump Lady — Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life and read some articles there. It will help you process some of the infidelity stuff as well as get some perspective on other people's dashed reconciliation hopes. I highly recommend it.


Love Chump Lady.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Some of my recent Divorce Care emails have been great. I even mailed these to a few of my close friends to try and help explain what they've worried about with me. At first I was too nice to my wife they thought now they worry I'm too upset. Kinda got these at the right moment. I hope they help you.


Why Is the Anger So Deep?
Day 57

Because …

You loved your spouse with all your heart.

You gave so much of yourself to him/her.

You worked at the relationship.

You trusted your spouse.

You were faithful.

You went to church, believed in God, and tried to live right.

You thought you’d be together forever.

“You never think that you’re going to get kicked in the teeth, but stuff happens, and you do,” says Joanne.

“Your feelings are going to be overpowering sometimes, but I think people are much worse off if they don’t let those feelings rage through their bodies. You have to rage, pounding your fists. You have to scream, whine, moan, and complain to your nearest and dearest friends; you have to do whatever you can to let it pass through your system.”

Divorce brings an abrupt end to things that you thought were good, right, and secure in your life. Now you aren’t sure which parts of your married life were real and which parts were only illusions. You are not wrong to feel anger. Justified anger can be a good and necessary response.

Jesus showed righteous anger when he saw people buying and selling their goods in the temple, making a profit from religious activities rather than revering God.

“Jesus entered the temple area and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. ‘It is written,’ he said to them, ‘My house will be called a house of prayer,’ but you are making it a ‘den of robbers’” (Matthew 21:12-13).

Lord God, I am so angry. I am furious at my former spouse, at myself, and at other people involved. I want to scream! Show me how to express my anger. Amen.

Defining Anger 
Day 59

Dr. Les Carter says that having anger means standing up for your own worth, needs, and convictions.

“You don’t get angry when folks are kind, pleasant, or understanding. Anger shows up when someone has rejected you or is being uncooperative, or when a person is being critical, harsh, or difficult to get along with. When anger appears on the scene, it arouses your sense of self-preservation.

"You want to preserve one of three things. You want to preserve your worth as a human being; your anger can be your way of wishing to say, ‘Please, show me some respect, will you?’ Anger can be your way of preserving your basic needs: ‘Recognize that I have needs, and acknowledge them, please.’ Or anger can be a way that you stand up for your deepest convictions. It is your way of saying, ‘I believe in things, and I don’t want to back away from them.’”

You will feel anger at some point in your divorce. Do not try to deny or suppress this emotion. God does not condemn you for your anger when it is justified. God Himself is described as “slow to anger”—not “never angry.”

“And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, ‘The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness’” (Exodus 34:6).

Lord God, sometimes my anger is justifiable; sometimes it’s not. Help me to be slow to anger, like You. Amen.

Anger: The Emotion of Self-Preservation
Day 60

Has your former spouse threatened your sense of self-worth? Sue says, “Probably the worst day is when I confronted him and said, ‘I could jump out of the second story window and splatter myself on the street, and I think you would probably be happy. There was no response from him except for, 'That’s not true.’ By the expression on his face I could tell his heart; there really were no feelings there.”

Does your former spouse acknowledge your needs?

Harriet says, “It dawned on me one day. Why should he change? Why should he get rid of the other woman? He had the best of both worlds. He had a loving wife who kept his home clean and neat and entertained well; she had a good job and a beautiful son and was well respected in the community. Then he had his other life with his mistress. He was like a cat with a great big bowl of cream in front of him.”

Has your former spouse flagrantly ignored your convictions?

When your self-worth is threatened or your convictions are being trampled on, you will want to lash out. Anger deriving from self-preservation can be justified as long as you are expressing it in a way that is healthy. Start by bringing your anger to God. He can handle it.

“Casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7 NASB).

Lord God, I am hurt, angry, and confused. I don’t like this feeling of worthlessness and rejection. I know You are the God of peace. Teach me how to accept and assimilate that inner peace. It seems so far away sometimes. Amen.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

LBH, i have read this and re-read this repeatedly over and over again. Since finding out about his 2 year long affair everything seems to take on new meaning.

He was living a double life and im not sure how long he would have let this go on.

I can understand not wanting to be in our relationship anymore.
He explains that as the circumstances that led us to being together in the first place comes from a place of darkness, we bounded over shared pain, we connected becuase of that.

And then all the messed up things he did while he was drunk and on drugs and how horrible he was and i stood by him through it all, he couldnt separate me from all the negativity, he tried to separate me but i was part of it all.

He wants to move past that part of his life, he doesnt want to be that guy anymore... And see this explanation that he gives me Makes sense.. i can understand taking a break or separating so he could figure that out.

But instead, the same time he admits these feelings to me is the same time he meets this other woman...

Ive been praying and praying to god to help me through these hard times and give my worries to him.

I dont know... becuase deep down inside I believe that my husband is better than the actions he is portraying. Eventhough he has given me every reason to not trust him and that the is a monster..

Maybe for all these years I didn't know him at all..Is there still a chance for us??


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Brystensmom,

Is there a chance? I don't know. Will there be a tomorrow? Seems to me you have decisions to make and thinking to do. 

If he did come back today, would you want him back knowing what he did? Could you trust him? Would the love be the same as before?

What if her comes back five years from now. Do you plan on waiting for him? Would you be happy knowing that your plan b?

On the other hand, anything could happen. He could see the light and repent. He could change and show genuine Godly sorrow. Still, would you be able to trust him? Would you be able to forgive him?

Think about it and remember that there's no rush to discern what is best for YOU. Not if you put your trust in the Lord, who will never reject you, forsake you, and who loves you just as you are.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

LBH,

Thank you for posting those Divorce Care emails. Very timely and helpful. Great stuff!  Happy Saturday to you!


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Pictureless, what would you tell a daughter 20 years now to do in your position? I think you'll have your answer.

You will find someone better and have a better life without him.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

LBHmidwest said:


> Pictureless, what would you tell a daughter 20 years now to do in your position? I think you'll have your answer.
> 
> You will find someone better and have a better life without him.


:iagree: Thank you. And you are right. In fact, my life is already better without her.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

I really don't know.. I know i dont want this pain.. I dont want to feel this way. I want to be happy.

Everything is so confusing, I dont know how to make the thoughts stop from coming into my head and consuming me.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Brystensmom said:


> I really don't know.. I know i dont want this pain.. I dont want to feel this way. I want to be happy.
> 
> Everything is so confusing, I dont know how to make the thoughts stop from coming into my head and consuming me.


What is stopping you from being happy right now?


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

LOL pictureless.....I dont know whats stopping.. I guess i am standing in my own way


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

None of us want this pain. I know it. It got so bad for me I had friends circling, they were so worried. The gym, getting some control back, seeing children, hanging with friends gets some of the pain to go away. It comes but it's less often and less deep.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

It can be excruciating.

At some point, you'll start to feel angry.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

I feel so up and down, its like Im going crazy. I begin to think about all the lies I beleived to be true and think "how could he do this to me" and I have to stop myself. Literally saying out loud "those are negative thoughts, stop thinking about him and think about what you are going to do today" It hurts like hell. I think I have a good cry every morning. Its the only time I'm not with my son.

*sigh*


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## Convict (Feb 16, 2014)

I think you should feel blessed that events were so clear. I am a man and I would NEVER expect my wife to forgive me if I ever cheated or physically abused her. In a way you are lucky the picture is as clear as it can be. Thus the choice to leave him should be as clear. It's much harder when the reasons are less definitive, ie incompatibility, arguments, slowly falling out of love..etc. Thats when u cld be confused.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Brystensmom said:


> LOL pictureless.....I dont know whats stopping.. I guess i am standing in my own way


Then get out of your own way! You're hindering your path to happiness because of someone else's choices.

Sure, their choice hurts you; take some time to grieve and heal. But realize you get NOTHING out of this right now. So you might as well think about what you want to do to be happy.

And if you are religious at all, please remember that the one who made us all will never forsake you. He loves you just as you are, and you will always belong to Him. Read the bible. Lots of great stuff in there about victory over rejection and being rewarded for keeping the faith and living righteously.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He doesn't want negativity in his life yet he's f$cking a married skank? That's rich. You're so much better off without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

I swear you guys(gals) are like angels!!! singing praises into my soul! 

I deserve so much more than what i accepted from him! But atleast now I know..

I dont know if there will ever be a future for us. but right now its clear he is where he wants to be and I need to Focus on ME!


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Ok so just when you think you are having a somewhat ok day....

Today my H comes to pick up his son, My mom tells me he takes more of his clothes and his things (which really hurt me and made me feel sad)

He tells my mom he is going by his sisters house, which is something we always used to do together.. his sister and I are really close. She knows the situation fully about what has happened, she is not to pleased with him but its her brother.

So instead of me calling him to check on brysten, I called his sister, and she seemed so distant from me(it could be all in my head) but i can hear everyone on the background having a fabulous day..

and it broke me again!!

This feeling like I have been replaced... or even erased from everyones mind Like i dont exsist.

A place i used to belong and was comfortable and safe, and now I'm not anymore, its his family... they dont condone his behaviour but they are still family..

It hurts so bad. I needed to share becuase I truly need to be talked out of these negative feelings. *sigh*

I know i deserve much better.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Brystensmom said:


> Ok so just when you think you are having a somewhat ok day....
> 
> Today my H comes to pick up his son, My mom tells me he takes more of his clothes and his things (which really hurt me and made me feel sad)
> 
> ...


Family first. Blood is thicker than water. They know he's a POS but he's family. I bet someone in his family likes and respects you very much, but it is what it is.

In time in won't matter.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

pictureless you are perfect!


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Brystensmom said:


> pictureless you are perfect!


No way! Not even close. I'm just me. All I have is a head start on you, that's all.

When I get to the finish line, I'll wait there cheering you on until you cross. That's what battle buddies do!


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

awww(hugs) that really made me feel so much better!


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

I need some advice??

Im curious, I want to meet this other woman, not only becuase I'm nosey, but my H is calling this woman his girlfriend and is living with her or "shacking up" as he would put it. 

But it makes me nervous as to what kind of woman she is if she is going to be around my baby.. what i do know of her Im not pleased with at this point... but

I was just wondering how to handle this.

I already told him I would need to meet her and he agreed to it and said she had no problems meeting me.. supposedly..

Im sure he thinks im just bluffing but im not sure.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Why am i so lost and confused and unsure about everything? When I do have the opportunity to speak with my husband as much as i try to keep it cordial it turns into something else.

Im always left feeling stupid like im messing things up.

He is so determined for everyone to be ok with everything. That ultimately he made the right choice and we should all accept it, move on and be happy that he has found happiness with this other woman.

When i ask him about all the lying he has done to everyone, i ask do you lie to yourself.. and he says "not anymore" its such a slap in the face.

I tell him how cruel he is coming across, but if we dont talk about our situation everything is all fine and dandy like unicorns running on rainbows.

But im still hurting, the kids are hurting. My 13 year old step son is still trying to deal with all of this and my H has already told him about the other woman and wants to introduce them already. 

Its like he isnt even thinking about the potential side effects thi is going to cause everyone.

Im going to IC and working things out for me but no matter what, this Man is still part of my life, there are days I can avoid him but days I can't.. and it kills me...

He wont acknowledge anything, he just tells me He doesnt have anything to say, that I wont accept his answers.... I dont even know how to talk tohim anymore. Im so lost and confused and Hurt....


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Brystensmom said:


> Why am i so lost and confused and unsure about everything? When I do have the opportunity to speak with my husband as much as i try to keep it cordial it turns into something else.
> 
> Im always left feeling stupid like im messing things up.
> 
> ...


When people show you who they are, it's best to believe them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

If you can try to detach, even if when you put the phone down or you close the door you fall apart, don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that he has you hanging by a string because he doesn't deserve that & you certainly don't deserve to be treated like that - the more you detach the easier it becomes, I have days where I'm so overwhelmed but a lot of the time now I'm able to stay detached. 

I have a few rules that help me:
1/ don't think about the future, just focus on right now & the good things of today.
2/ only visit the past when your feeling strong enough to deal with the emotions it will bring.
3/ tell yourself you have no control over his actions & feelings but you CAN control how they affect you.
4/ remind yourself that he can't make you happy, he isn't capable as he's too selfish & self absorbed.
5/ when you see him act calm, collected & confident - even if it's the absolute last thing you feel!

Are there any things you can do to make you feel more in control of the situation? I know the worst for me is that fact that it feels like he's in control so I'm trying to take as much control back as I can & it's helped.

Hugs, thinking of you x


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

I'm going to try much harder at doing those things.
I am so overwhelmed with the entire situation that everything feels out of my control. You are right I have to stand up for myself and take that back. xoxo



Heartbroken84 said:


> If you can try to detach, even if when you put the phone down or you close the door you fall apart, don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that he has you hanging by a string because he doesn't deserve that & you certainly don't deserve to be treated like that - the more you detach the easier it becomes, I have days where I'm so overwhelmed but a lot of the time now I'm able to stay detached.
> 
> I have a few rules that help me:
> 1/ don't think about the future, just focus on right now & the good things of today.
> ...


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I'm absolutely not saying it's easy, far far from it, but it does help you feel a little better if you can do it as much as poss.

Have you tried keeping a diary? Or even writing to your H (but not sending!) so you can express your anger/frustrations/hurt/upset but it's not direct to him, as he probably doesn't hear it anyway?

You have every right to be in control of your life, take back as much as you can x


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I agree with Heartbroken84 expressing your feelings on paper have made me feel a lot better. Don't send them to him but sometimes venting what you are feeling at the moment and getting it out really helps.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Yeah, I have purchased a journal, as i used to write all the time. I havent written much in it since finding out about the affair. But I will start doing that getting these raw emotions out of my head and putting them somehwere.


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