# current GF and my 7 year old daughter...



## crash test (Sep 6, 2013)

so...I've been divorced for nearly 3 years. I have a 7 year old daughter from that marriage...I currently have a girlfriend and we now have a 4 month old son. My daughter has a good relationship with my GF and loves her "half" brother...we actually never refer to him as her "half" brother, in our house they are always brother and sister. Her mom, my ex, refers to him as her half brother but that's neither her nor there...my question is how realistic are/were my hopes that my girlfriend would or could "love" my daughter as much or at least almost as much as her own child? My custody recently went from 40% to 50% of my daughter but my GF told me she wasn't looking forward to it as much as I was. She says that our current 40% custody, to her, feels more like 60%...she's actually told me that every other week she wants to have a girls night out so as to have a "break" during our long week with my daughter...I was super confused and if I'm honest, hurt, by her comments because I was so so so happy to have my daughter for longer and I had hoped my GF would share those feelings. I get that my daughter is not "hers" so I didn't get mad or upset but I just wanted to hear from maybe others and get feedback on realistic expectations? thanks all....sorry so long


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Who takes care of the children the most?

Sure she can love your child as much as any blood child, but what percent of the child-raising is she doing when your daughter is with you?

A 7 year old is taxing lol. I have a 5 year old girl and we're home all day every day together for the summer. It's been 4 weeks and I'm losing my mind.  I go out with a friend usually once a week just to get out. Sometimes H and I go out if DD14 is home to watch the little one.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If she's caring for a 4 month old, practically a newborn, she's probably exhausted as it is. 7 year olds are very active and lively (and loud and messy and...) and it might be a bit much for her to handle_ right now_.

I suspect things will settle down once the baby is older and doesn't need as much constant attention and care, so she can have more breathing room for herself.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

crash test said:


> .I was super confused and if I'm honest, hurt, by her comments because I was so so so happy to have my daughter for longer and I had hoped my GF would share those feelings. I get that my daughter is not "hers" so I didn't get mad or upset but I just wanted to hear from maybe others and get feedback on realistic expectations? thanks all....sorry so long


you girlfriend is being selfish and mean, and dumb, is obvious that in the package with you also conmes your daughter, saying what she says is selfinesh and more for something like wanting to go to GNO, a young mother like her should not even be thinking in going to party with friends (red flags here dude).

besides what did she expected realistically speaking, that you would stop seeing your daughter eventually?, and (lets hope never happens) what if your exwife dies, is she going to say that having your daughter 100% of the time is unnaceptable?, when she engaged a realtionship with you with kids from a previous marriage all this posibilities had to be considered back then, not right now, you are in your right to have your daughter as much as is allowed by your side.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

manticore said:


> you girlfriend is being selfish and mean, and dumb, is obvious that in the package with you also conmes your daughter, saying what she says is selfinesh and more for something like wanting to go to GNO, a young mother like her should not even be thinking in going to party with friends (red flags here dude).
> 
> besides what did she expected realistically speaking, that you would stop seeing your daughter eventually?, and (lets hope never happens) what if your exwife dies, is she going to say that having your daughter 100% of the time is unnaceptable?, when she engaged a realtionship with you with kids from a previous marriage all this posibilities had to be considered back then, not right now, you are in your right to have your daughter as much as is allowed by your side.


:iagree:

OP don't let any woman come between you and your kiddos. They need you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

We need more info. It’s not clear if your gf is being selfish or if she’s reacting to a situation that is unreasonable.

Does your gf work or is she a SAHM?

When you are at home, how much of the child are and house work are you doing?

How many hours a week do you and your gf spend doing date-like things, just the two of you?


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## crash test (Sep 6, 2013)

hi all - some more background if it'll help...GF does work full time, we both do. At home I do as much if not a majority of the housework... My gf had a pretty bad pregnancy with morning sickness and hormones out of control...that's not just me saying it, she's said it multiple times. I've let a lot of stuff go by the wayside by blaming hormones but after 4 months post pregnancy we're both hopeful they'll be less volatile.... Manticore is right, my gf absolutely knew I had a child and that she'd be part of our family moving forward...I think her biggest challenge is the difference between knowing that would happen to actually going from a single girl living on her own to having a live in boyfriend, part time daughter and full time newborn. I've tried to be as sensitive as possible to the massive change she's undergone but I feel my daughter has gone through an even bigger change and has handled it beautifully...she was 4 years old when her mom and I split up and since then has had to travel to 2 different homes, gracefully accept another woman come into my life and ecstatically welcome a brother into the world. I swear I'm not exaggerating when I say she's been the most ADULT of all the Adults that have been part of the past 3 years. "That Girl" is right, my daughter can be taxing...she has great energy and wants to be involved with what we are doing...I think her energy gets on my gf's nerves...but I will say, gf has never lashed out at daughter, she is always kind and gentle with her...she'll take it out on me later though, mostly by being alternating between the dreaded silent treatment and yelling at me. She does feel my daughter doesn't have boundries and that I don't discipline her enough for things like interrupting adults in mid conversation, or not alwasy putting her plate away after dinner and my gf's biggest pet peeve, not always saying good morning or hello when addressed by an adult...as for dates nights, we try to go out once or twice a month just us...parents will watch the kids...thanks so much everyone, it helps to write it out and get different perspectives.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old are you all? How long have you been dating and living together? Was the new baby planned?

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

They way you describe your wife, it sounds like she might have PPD. At 4 months after birth it's very likely that she is still dealing with hormonal problems and exhaustion. If that's the case then it makes sense that dealing with your daughter a lot might be too much for her right now.




crash test said:


> as for dates nights, we try to go out once or twice a month just us...parents will watch the kids...thanks so much everyone, it helps to write it out and get different perspectives.


 That’s all the time that you and your wife spend together by yourselves in a month? No wonder you two are having trouble. That’s not enough time to maintain a good, strong relationship. 
Get the book “His Needs, Her Needs”, it can help the two of you work through a lot of issues. One of the major ones is that you two need to be spending at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you. If you don’t your relationship will continue to deteriorate.



crash test said:


> She does feel my daughter doesn't have boundries and that I don't discipline her enough for things like interrupting adults in mid conversation, or not alwasy putting her plate away after dinner and my gf's biggest pet peeve, not always saying good morning or hello when addressed by an adult...


 These things you list are reasonable for her to expect. Can you give a bit here and start teaching your daughter about chores and respecting her elders?

A 5 year old can learn to wait for an adult to acknowledge that she can talk instead of breaking into a conversation. 

She can learn to put her dish in the sink after a meal. She can even do things like wipe off the table and take other dishes to the sink. You as her father can coach her in this until its habit.

She can learn to be respectful of those she lives with and say “hello”, “good morning” etc.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

crash test said:


> hi all - some more background if it'll help...GF does work full time, we both do. At home I do as much if not a majority of the housework... My gf had a pretty bad pregnancy with morning sickness and hormones out of control...that's not just me saying it, she's said it multiple times. I've let a lot of stuff go by the wayside by blaming hormones but after 4 months post pregnancy we're both hopeful they'll be less volatile.... Manticore is right, my gf absolutely knew I had a child and that she'd be part of our family moving forward...I think her biggest challenge is the difference between knowing that would happen to actually going from a single girl living on her own to having a live in boyfriend, part time daughter and full time newborn. I've tried to be as sensitive as possible to the massive change she's undergone but I feel my daughter has gone through an even bigger change and has handled it beautifully...she was 4 years old when her mom and I split up and since then has had to travel to 2 different homes, gracefully accept another woman come into my life and ecstatically welcome a brother into the world. I swear I'm not exaggerating when I say she's been the most ADULT of all the Adults that have been part of the past 3 years. "That Girl" is right, my daughter can be taxing...she has great energy and wants to be involved with what we are doing...I think her energy gets on my gf's nerves...but I will say, gf has never lashed out at daughter, she is always kind and gentle with her...she'll take it out on me later though, mostly by being alternating between the dreaded silent treatment and yelling at me. *She does feel my daughter doesn't have boundries and that I don't discipline her enough for things like interrupting adults in mid conversation, or not alwasy putting her plate away after dinner and my gf's biggest pet peeve, not always saying good morning or hello when addressed by an adult...*as for dates nights, we try to go out once or twice a month just us...parents will watch the kids...thanks so much everyone, it helps to write it out and get different perspectives.


So, YOU are the father, take care of this. She is not asking too much here, and YOU taking active control of your daughter's behavior will go a long way to helping your GF accept and acclimate.


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

Your GFs reaction wasn't "I hate that idea" but that she's simply concerned and reluctant. She works FT like you? Gosh, that's a lot of responsibility for her with your new baby. I'd give her credit for doing what she has to this point without resenting being exhausted in keeping up with all the demands. I hope you can work this out and both stay strong through the stress. Best of luck to you!

~ Seek the Light ~


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Your daughter should primarily be your responsibility when she's with you. How much of the burden of childcare is your GF having to pick up when you have your daughter with you? To me, a GF shouldn't be parenting in your stead. Even if you were to get married to her, you should be carrying the bulk of the parenting/care load for your child. I think it's important to remember that your GF hasn't had the time you have to adapt to your daughter's personality. Believe me, affection for children, just because they're children is far from instant, particularly if they're loud and energetic and your hands are already full dealing with a newborn. Plus, like EleGirl mentioned, it's important to connect in ways that remind you both that you're dating and not just locked into 24/7 parent mode. I'm sure that more couples time for the two of you would go a long way towards making the time you have to focus on parenting more palatable.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

manticore said:


> you girlfriend is being selfish and mean, and dumb, is obvious that in the package with you also conmes your daughter, saying what she says is selfinesh and more for something like wanting to go to GNO, a young mother like her should not even be thinking in going to party with friends (red flags here dude).
> 
> besides what did she expected realistically speaking, that you would stop seeing your daughter eventually?, and (lets hope never happens) what if your exwife dies, is she going to say that having your daughter 100% of the time is unnaceptable?, when she engaged a realtionship with you with kids from a previous marriage all this posibilities had to be considered back then, not right now, you are in your right to have your daughter as much as is allowed by your side.


Obviously you've never been a caregiver of children day in and day out. You'd need a night out too. and time to yourself.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You have two children and you wife has one that you share. She knew the situation from the get go and honestly if she complains that it seems like it's more 60% then 50 or 40, let her know that you and your daughter came as a package deal and if your wife needs to have a girls night out, then fine, let her and that means you get to have your daughter all to yourself.

You said she isn't mean to her but in reality, she isn't her daughter and you really can't expect her to have the same feelings for her like you do. 

If your wife needs a break, give it to her. It would be a totally different story if she was acting like the wicked step mom. As long as she treats her fairly your doing OK.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Lmao.

She's not his wife. GF. Not wife.

I'm sure she's just overwhelmed. New schedule, more laundry, more food, more everything. 

We don't know who does most of the stuff already. I dunno.

But give the woman a break. She's not being mean to the kid. She's just not jumping for joy and she wants time to herself.


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## crash test (Sep 6, 2013)

thanks all...I agree that not interrupting adults, helping clear the dishes and acknowledging hello/good morning are all normal functions that I, as her father, need to foster. I'm not saying she never does all of these things...she actually does most of the time...it's the times she doesn't that get on gf's nerves. I'm in late 30s, gf is early 30's...I told her the girls night out was fine and honestly it's nice to have my daughter and son with me for a few hours every other week. She definitely doesn't act like wicked step mom, she's been very very nice to daughter and the feelings have been reciprocated. my daughter writes her notes, asks to play with her and snuggles up with her during reading time...they generally have a very good relationship, I'm just always on edge that my daughter will say or do something that will upset gf and she'll get mad at me later. I've told gf if something daughter says upsets her and I'm not there, please tell her how you'd like that behavior to change and I'll back you up. If I am there and I'm "oblivious" to what is upsetting gf, please let me know what it is and I'll handle...thanks again


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You two need to have a talk about parenting.

She shouldn't get mad at you for anything. She should be able to remind your daughter about manners.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

The only thing that stood out from this is the fact that your gf openly relates to them as "half siblings". What a nasty way to divide a house you live in.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

06Daddio08 said:


> The only thing that stood out from this is the fact that your gf openly relates to them as "half siblings". What a nasty way to divide a house you live in.


Its the XW who does that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

crash test said:


> thanks all...I agree that not interrupting adults, helping clear the dishes and acknowledging hello/good morning are all normal functions that I, as her father, need to foster. I'm not saying she never does all of these things...she actually does most of the time...it's the times she doesn't that get on gf's nerves. I'm in late 30s, gf is early 30's...I told her the girls night out was fine and honestly it's nice to have my daughter and son with me for a few hours every other week. She definitely doesn't act like wicked step mom, she's been very very nice to daughter and the feelings have been reciprocated. my daughter writes her notes, asks to play with her and snuggles up with her during reading time...they generally have a very good relationship, I'm just always on edge that my daughter will say or do something that will upset gf and she'll get mad at me later. I've told gf if something daughter says upsets her and I'm not there, please tell her how you'd like that behavior to change and I'll back you up. If I am there and I'm "oblivious" to what is upsetting gf, please let me know what it is and I'll handle...thanks again


Where will she and her female friends be going and doing? 

You did not answer the question about how much time you and she spend together, just the two of you? How much do you two still date?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The ex wife calls them half siblings.

I hate that term. My sisters and I share a dad. We are FULL siblings. My daughters both came from my body, they are FULL sisters.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You also never answered how long you've been dating, and whether your child together was planned...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And when I read "Current GF", I thought it was rather temporary sounding. 

Turns out ya'll have a whole family and the such.

Do you think of her as just your "current gf"? Or is she more?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Oops, the "her mom" part messed me up. My bad.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I could see both sides. On one hand, you don't want anyone to come between your kids and you want to make sure that your GF supports you and loves your daughter.

On the other hand, I get overwhelmed by my kids sometimes (6 and 4), and sometimes I wish I could have breaks during the week. So I can imagine that someone else, even if they were the parent, would feel the same, especially if it wasn't "theirs."

I guess it would depend on how they act the rest of the time, and how they interact with your daughter. Also, would they be supportive if you had them full time? Remember that if there is any negativity there, your daughter is feeling it as well (not saying that's happening).


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