# I hate my wife



## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

I cant seem to get past the anger. The biggest obsticle is dealing with all the things she says about me to others. Even while married. Gossip gossip. He. Does this, doesn't do this etc. I want to defend myself from the lies. I know i cant control what she says or does and i cant control what other people think. I just cant get past it...


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I'm in the same boat. Listen, she's going to do it no matter what. Just try and present your best self and not let others see you mired down in hate. Defend yourself, but not to a fault.

Conversely...

Yes, you can think she's a ho, a liar, a cheat and so on .. and she is.. but be careful of what you say and who you say it to. It could make you look bad.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Yeah. I have to figure out how to not let it bother me and just be myself. Frustrating though when you know its not the truth.......feel like im in highschool with all the gossip. Need to set some boundaries amd rules to follow


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

confront her. ask her why she did it.

if she did it because she thinks that is who you are, then she's doing black campaign. and why is that? why's she antagonizing you? does she resent you? any unresolved issue? why did she 'looking for support' from people? is she the only kid? problem with social life then she did it to get attention? why? didn't she get a proper attention from you so she had to vent somewhere else? 
if that's the case, then it's revenge. there's issue in your relationship, and the purpose is to hurt you.

and why did she want to hurt you? that's the question.

but this of course doesn't apply if she's a pathological liar.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Does it bother you that others may believe it?
That she is willing to do that?
Or that she believes it?


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

l've had a lot of trouble dealing with my anger too. l'm afraid l won't be much help unless your stuff relates to mine but l'll go on as you never know.
but as it turns out , l'd hurt her , a lot . so badly that she needed to escape it .
as it turns out , you really couldn't blame her either because she needed to heal herself.
so after lots of discussion round here and figuring this out which i didn't realize was as bad as it was - i understand now and that's helped my anger a lot.
l'm more angry at myself now than her as l see what happened now and how much l'd hurt her .

lt is a little bit easier , especially on her , now that l understand it all .

but because of what she's done and doing , l do have small town gossip to live with too and it really hurts . but l can only draw from the fact now , that they can't know everything that happened with us and if they did it'd change a lot of things. that and the fact l'd hurt her so much that it's a lot my own fkg fault . somehow that makes it a little bit easier.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

zillard said:


> Does it bother you that others may believe it?
> That she is willing to do that?
> Or that she believes it?



z, for me it's all of the above and then some and probably similar for ms . lt is hard to live with this [email protected], especially knowing you can't even defend you self.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

The best thing to do is live and treat others in a way that will make it hard for anyone to believe such lies.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: I hate my wife*



stopandmakecoffee said:


> confront her. ask her why she did it.
> 
> if she did it because she thinks that is who you are, then she's doing black campaign. and why is that? why's she antagonizing you? does she resent you? any unresolved issue? why did she 'looking for support' from people? is she the only kid? problem with social life then she did it to get attention? why? didn't she get a proper attention from you so she had to vent somewhere else?
> if that's the case, then it's revenge. there's issue in your relationship, and the purpose is to hurt you.
> ...


Resentment. Unresolved issues. Only child with daddy issues. Spoiled rotten. I think she does it to make herself not look like the bad guy. She is one of those people that is never at fault. Its always someone elses fault. With work, with me. Shes the victim. At this point its best to just be myself and people who truly know me know how i am.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: I hate my wife*



zillard said:


> The best thing to do is live and treat others in a way that will make it hard for anyone to believe such lies.


That is my plan. Cant waste any more energy on defending myself to her friends. Not worth it...


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

zillard said:


> The best thing to do is live and treat others in a way that will make it hard for anyone to believe such lies.


Exactly.

My STBX made me out to be the most heartless b*tch alive, when things first started, but I didn't allow it to change me.

I'm generally a happy girl, that smiles all the time, and loves big.

A few months ago, I was at wedding reception, where a lot of his friends were, and they noticed. Even after all his attempts to paint me ugly, they were able to see through that and made comments like, "what is wrong with him?!" and "he is an idiot".

Stay true to yourself.

Please believe, others will see through her lies and she will look like the bitter little girl that she obviously is.


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## Linguist (Nov 24, 2012)

The problem with people who play the victim and take no responsibility is they care not about the consequences of their choices. For me, small town, my neighbors rallied around me and can't believe her. This is the town she grew up in. They've known her all her life. I have no problem answering questions but I try and use discretion.but the other day for instance, I'm in line at the local store, a friend asked me if I ever go up to the place she now currently lives where this summer I had helped roof their barn, he asked me what's going on up there they never called us to finish the job. I said I have no idea, he said you never go up? I said no, he said what about your wife, I said she lives there and I've been banned. He said why,I said I'm not sure. In reality they asked me for money for ridiculous stuff but I didn't elaborate, I just said idk. Locals tell me those people are not well liked in town, not a big surprise, they were complicit in all this. 

Sure I'm angry, she does only what he wants and parenting requires sacrifice, but she won't give up her needs for anything. This is who she has always been though. I just didn't see it. She only cares about now and whatever she says today, is true, regardless if it was the opposite an hour earlier. Expect lies and deceit. Ou won't be surprised when you start to understand you're not dealing with a rational or responsible person. Her delusion goes so far as to repeatedly state she can't get a better job other than waiting tables with her prominent university degree. The whole thing is nuts but I no longer view her as a person with a rational perception. It's total avoidance and as little responsibility as possible, immediate gratification 24/7. Understand that, you solved the issue and now expect it to continue and you'll not be surprised and so angry


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## Linguist (Nov 24, 2012)

If you try and understand it, you'll drive yourself crazy. Pretend yourself a mental health worker.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Yes, you can think she's a ho, a liar, a cheat and so on .. and she is.. but be careful of what you say and who you say it to. It could make you look bad.



This is great advice. No matter how much you hate your stbxw, temper your comments. With adults, I always say what happened in a matter of fact manner. I don't embellish it with my feelings. My public consumption story is "We were having difficulties for a few years, my wife had an affair and we decided to split". Depending upon who I am speaking with I will even leave out the "affair" portion. 

Appear calm to the outside world - otherwise you are feeding into the BS that your wife is telling. i.e. if she's saying you're crazy and you act mad all of the time, people will think she is right.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> This is great advice. No matter how much you hate your stbxw, temper your comments. With adults, I always say what happened in a matter of fact manner. I don't embellish it with my feelings. My public consumption story is "We were having difficulties for a few years, my wife had an affair and we decided to split". Depending upon who I am speaking with I will even leave out the "affair" portion.
> 
> Appear calm to the outside world - otherwise you are feeding into the BS that your wife is telling. i.e. if she's saying you're crazy and you act mad all of the time, people will think she is right.


I agree. 

Often I say "she decided to go find herself and left D6 with me". or "we split and she gave me permission to move with D6". 

People will come to their own conclusions, and when they see that the father has the child, those conclusions are usually correct as there are few to choose from.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

My wife likes to go clubbing with her girlfriend. I thought when we got married it would change. I thought when we had a child it would change. Lesson learned.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

When a guy does that he gets blasted from all angles to grow up , be responsible , stop acting like a kid ra ra ra , usually by women.

The double stands right through , really make me puke and that angry .


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

I understand how you're feeling. Why the need for all the lies?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: I hate my wife*



whitehawk said:


> When a guy does that he gets blasted from all angles to grow up , be responsible , stop acting like a kid ra ra ra , usually by women.
> 
> The double stands right through , really make me puke and that angry .


Mine didn't care if i did it. But i never did. Having a girls night is fine when its not all the time. I just think if you are married you don't need to be at a bar at all hours of the night. Will have to find someone with the same belief next time.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> I just think if you are married you don't need to be at a bar at all hours of the night. Will have to find someone with the same belief next time.


I agree. 

I would meet up with coworkers for a few hours but always home early. X would go out with coworkers and miss sending her daughter off to school the next morning. 

The biggest problem I had with that is she didn't think it was a problem.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: I hate my wife*



zillard said:


> I agree.
> 
> I would meet up with coworkers for a few hours but always home early. X would go out with coworkers and miss sending her daughter off to school the next morning.
> 
> The biggest problem I had with that is she didn't think it was a problem.


Mine didnt either. Still doesnt. Probably never will at this point. Not sure why she thinks its okay. Maybe how she was raised. Spoiled brat who does what she wants no matter what.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Mines was exactly the same. Staying out all hours, saying she slept at a friends because she was too drunk to come home. Snakes with titties!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Man, what is it with our stbxw's? Mine would go out clubbing until 3 or 4 in the morning. 

She missed our youngest's birthday party (which she said she would attend and help) because a better offer (to go out) came up.

Are your stbxw's middle aged and going through a MLC crisis?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> Man, what is it with our stbxw's? Mine would go out clubbing until 3 or 4 in the morning.
> 
> She missed our youngest's birthday party (which she said she would attend and help) because a better offer (to go out) came up.
> 
> Are your stbxw's middle aged and going through a MLC crisis?


Mine's 29. Identity crisis for sure. Crap hit the fan during her 1st year back at work after 6-7 years as a SAHM.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Wow! 
I have no problems with a girls night out.
But do they ALWAYS need to end in the early morning?
Do they always have to be at a bar or club and involve alcohol?

Geez, what about dinner and a movie or beach outing or anything?
I mean, yes you can go to a bar every once in awhile but all the time?

Do they not see why we would have a problem with that?
I for one a, sick of it.

It Is a breeding ground for problems and lies?
" oh, we didn't dance, talk or hang out with any guys!"
Sure it may not have happened but if that is all you are doing, I garaDAMNtee guys will eventually approach. And why not?
Ur in a friggin club/bar.

And if all your friends want to do is go to bars, well, what kind of friends are you hanging with?

Still, Because my wife chose to do this and be like this.
With the lies and all, It makes it easier for me to start moving on.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

zillard said:


> Mine's 29. Identity crisis for sure. Crap hit the fan during her 1st year back at work after 6-7 years as a SAHM.


Wow. Too young for a MLC - but definitely an identity crisis of some sort. I guess the "freedom" of working went to her head.
Does she fancy herself as a SuperMom too? Mine did. You would no believe how many important milestones my stbxw missed because "SuperMom" was out partying and doing her own thing.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Wow!
> I have no problems with a girls night out.
> But do they ALWAYS need to end in the early morning?
> Do they always have to be at a bar or club and involve alcohol?


This is so true. When I get together with my friends - it's sometimes for a couple beers after work. In the summer, it might be a round of golf (early morning, usually). Sometimes we'll just meet midweek for a group lunch. When we DO go out at night - it's usually to a bar and never past 12:30 - 1:00. Oh, I don't spend a couple hours primping before hand either.

For my stbxw, her GNO's sometimes would not start until 10 pm.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> Wow. Too young for a MLC - but definitely an identity crisis of some sort. I guess the "freedom" of working went to her head.
> Does she fancy herself as a SuperMom too? Mine did. You would no believe how many important milestones my stbxw missed because "SuperMom" was out partying and doing her own thing.


Ha! Yeah. 

"Of course I'm a good Mom. It's what I do best". 

Constantly critiquing other mothers behind their backs. Breastfed for 2 years. Cloth diapers. Wouldn't go anywhere without her baby. Until she went back to work. Then she saw her daughter for 1/2 a day during the week and wouldn't even see her off to school. Now she only has her over on Saturday nights. By choice.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Mine is 37. Still acts exactally like she did in her 20's. I think some people just dont grow up. Lesson learned as i will never get involved with someone who lives that way again.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

zillard said:


> Ha! Yeah.
> 
> "Of course I'm a good Mom. It's what I do best".
> 
> Constantly critiquing other mothers behind their backs. Breastfed for 2 years. Cloth diapers. Wouldn't go anywhere without her baby. Until she went back to work. Then she saw her daughter for 1/2 a day during the week and wouldn't even see her off to school. Now she only has her over on Saturday nights. By choice.


So you have primary custody? That's great. When we separated, my stbxw had our girls only every other weekend. So I was the primary parent. It was great. BUT... my wife's toxic friends advised her that she has to create a record ahead of the divorce or she could lose custody. So now we share 50/50. 

50/50 is a big issue because she lives in a one bedroom condo. Also - she's very lax with our oldest daughter. If my daughter wants to go out, my stbxw will often just let her without doing the parenting thing (checking where she's going, making sure that the parents are home, etc). And they haven't done anything. They watch television or they go shopping at the mall. That is all they have done at her place. This came out at our last mediation - I complained about it. So noticed that THIS weekend, my stbxw is making a special effort to do stuff. She's done more THIS weekend with the kids than all the previous weekends combined.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> Mine is 37. Still acts exactally like she did in her 20's. I think some people just dont grow up. Lesson learned as i will never get involved with someone who lives that way again.


Was she always like that? For my stbxw it was a complete personality transformation. It's like she is in a "bad girl" phase that most woman go through (if they do) in high school, or University.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: I hate my wife*



Cedarman said:


> Was she always like that? For my stbxw it was a complete personality transformation. It's like she is in a "bad girl" phase that most woman go through (if they do) in high school, or University.


Mine always did that. Something i thought she would outgrow eventually. Especially after becoming a mom


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah well , once again double standards everywhere.

You might think she wouldn't care and she wouldn't if she doesn't care anyway. She'll probably think oh goodie , this is permission for me to do what I want too.
But you try staying out drinking all nighters or crashing at some girls place and not showing up till God knows when the next day with somebody that does still care
I've never know a girl that wouldn't carry on big time over me doing any of that.

It's the same with their men friends, flirting . everything - oh that's nothing - scoff scoff ! Until the shoes on the other foot !


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Wow!
> I have no problems with a girls night out.
> But do they ALWAYS need to end in the early morning?
> Do they always have to be at a bar or club and involve alcohol?
> ...



The bars and drinking is about one thing and one thing only , guys !
Even a happily married 60 yr old will be eating dinner at a restaurant and watching every guy in the room . Watch them , you'll see it a mile a way .
Bars and clubs have guys , drinking makes all their girlfriends loosen up and get playful . With that combo from there , it's all about acting like a 16yr old again around all the boys with all their friends .
Even if they don't touch , it's all about the boys, her egos , her hormones , who stares and who doesn't . Maybe dancing and off it all goes .
Just watch them , it's very obvious !


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Mine wants to be friends . She didn't want that when married so its too f'ing late. Probably to deal with her guilt and make it easier for her......another selfish act


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> Mine wants to be friends . She didn't want that when married so its too f'ing late. Probably to deal with her guilt and make it easier for her......another selfish act


Mine does too. 

Told her "Friends treat each other with respect and honesty. You have not been friendly."

When she asked about my health, "We are not friends anymore. You fired me."


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

I'm loving this convo as it pertained to my situation in the past. My wife and I went out constantly before we had a child. When DD4 was born I cut down drastically - while she amped it up. Initially, I wanted her to get out of the apartment after the pregnancy and get alone time with her friends but she took it too far. I asked that she cut back and she would - but then rev it up some more after some short breaks. 
Looking back she claims that she was miserable with me and needed to "run" from the problems in our marriage to a degree - she actually got validation from her IC. So there I was babysitting, while she did her thing.
I played a hand by not being firm enough about my discontent - live and learn.
All we can do is acknowledge our misgivings and prevent from it happening again in our next relationships. No manuals come included. You fail, dust yourself off and improve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

MSC71 said:


> Resentment. Unresolved issues. Only child with daddy issues. Spoiled rotten. I think she does it to make herself not look like the bad guy. She is one of those people that is never at fault. Its always someone elses fault. With work, with me. Shes the victim. At this point its best to just be myself and people who truly know me know how i am.


well, so her dad never let her took the blame, always be there for her. either you are willing to be her lifetime coach or you walk away. no guarantee she'll change tho. but if she will, it's great for both of you.


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> I cant seem to get past the anger. The biggest obsticle is dealing with all the things she says about me to others. Even while married. Gossip gossip. He. Does this, doesn't do this etc. I want to defend myself from the lies. I know i cant control what she says or does and i cant control what other people think. I just cant get past it...


Any person who gossips against their spouse is a lowly person. I don't blame you. Seeking help and advice is one thing, but gossiping is another.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: I hate my wife*



stopandmakecoffee said:


> well, so her dad never let her took the blame, always be there for her. either you are willing to be her lifetime coach or you walk away. no guarantee she'll change tho. but if she will, it's great for both of you.


Her dad did do that her entire life......she said she wont change. ......regardless we are divorcing.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

MSC71 said:


> Her dad did do that her entire life......she said she wont change. ......regardless we are divorcing.


yikes. 
beware daddies/fathers, the way you raise your daughter will eventually either does good for her or ruins her


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