# 6 years, she doesn't know what she wants anymore



## allmylove (Oct 24, 2012)

She's 23
I'm 31

I've been there since she came out of an abusive relationship and had a 45 day old baby.
Fast forward 6 years... that little girl is in grade 1, she has a sister whos 4 on valentines day and a brother whos 2 on dec 10th. 
Bottom line... there's children involved.

Anyways she's staying at her mothers at night, comes and watches our kids during the day while I'm at work and then leaves again to go back to her moms to sleep.

It's been 6 years... I cheated on her when she was pregnant with our first, she cheated on me last jan. and I downed every sleeping pill as a reaction to the issue. Cardiac arrest etc etc I wake up in the psyche ward 15hrs away in a different town.

Things have always been up and down, she damn well fed up with my selfish behavior, my need for things that go fast and my inability to be emotionally supportive to her.

She doesn't know what she wants in life, we have a family together, I'm devastated and think about offing myself but I hear the cries of my children in my head from a spiritual view and I could never go that way again.

I hear alot of success stories about couples that give it time and a break for her to figure out some things with herself.
So I'm hopeful.

She's willing to meet with a pastor for some counselling from a christian view (were both christian but have never prayed with eachother, go figure).

She's very depressed and is on medication but believes depression is Gods way of saying soemthing is wrong and you need to change it. 
I believe if that is true then it's us not following his path for us.

I'm lost... trying to goto work but it's hard when i come home and see the beautiful woman I've loved for so long standing there but she doesn't want to hug but just get out and see what she's been missing.

She's not into any other guys right now as far as I can tell. Libido is low due to anti-depressants and she's pulling the I dont need a man right now which is a relief or comfort.

I'm trying to get back to the emotional romantic I remember being back in my teen years but it's hard to go back cause I've suppressed and built tall brick walls around my heart from all the destruction in my life. (I'm adopted and well family was never my strong suite)

I dont even know what to ask for during this time... I wish someone could sit down with her and show her the way but I guess it's just something she'll have to come to terms with on her own and live with the decision one way or the other.

thanks in advance for the chance to read your replies be them good or bad.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You were going to earn her love by rescuing her, correct?


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## allmylove (Oct 24, 2012)

earn her love? I've already had her love, we've been in love for years but because we've been raising kids we've had 0 time to ourselves.

6 years and maybe 4 dates together... 6 years and 3 kids... we've been so busy and haven't made time for eachother. Even less from me. I haven't been emotionally there for her. 

I'm a very closed off person, even to her. 

She's no rescue project... I loved her for her. I didn't care about her past. Just wanted this woman to be number 1 thing in my life. Yet somehow I've always treated her like #2.

Now I've got a hell of alot of showing what I'm really like and I'm praying it's not too little too late.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Are you familiar with the term codependent?


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## allmylove (Oct 24, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Are you familiar with the term codependent?


just looked it up on wiki... I've got narcissism traits for sure, possible co dependency traits for either of us.

regardless of all the labels we must work through them and change what needs to be changed to move forward.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Frankly, you two sound like a mess. History of abuse, both of you cheating on each other, she's depressed and on meds, you're swallowing pills, you're adopted, she's 23 with three babies and you're 8 years older than her...

You and your wife have lots of issues you should be working through individually and in marriage counseling. You both need to do some work that's going to take time - no quick fixes here. 

But I'd say the most important thing you two should be thinking about right now is your 3 children. They are the ones at most risk here. Put them first. Whether you stay together or not, put them first.


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## allmylove (Oct 24, 2012)

we are doing just that norajane... I'm setting up counselling for myself and her. hopefully she is still on board and isn't being seduced by some other guy but time will tell where this all leads.

dont worry the kids are well taken care of. thats always been a constant. too much of one really.


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