# question about initial attraction



## cmrmcc (Jul 26, 2014)

I was talking to my hubby the other day and I told him what initially attracted him to me when we first met ( we've been married for 14 yrs and known each other for 19 yrs) , "His kindness, his good humor, etc" 

But then I asked him what initially he found attractive in me when we first met. His answer was "I don't know, nothing in particular, it's just the way it was" 

My heart kind of sank. 

I didn't say anything except oh, ok. 

But inside I am a little sad that he didn't say, Oh I thought you were beautiful, or even something like "Your sexy body"! lol

Am I taking this to heart too much? 

I just wondered how all you woman would feel inside if your hubby said the same thing.

That nothing in particular attracted him to you and it's just the way it was?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I understand why you're disappointed, and sorry that he doesn't seem to think you're special. Or maybe he's one of those men who can't articulate their thoughts and feelings if their life depended on it, but actually does feel you're special?

Anyone I dated at all seriously had something uniquely special and wonderful about them in my view, even beyond sexiness or beauty.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

cmrmcc said:


> I was talking to my hubby the other day and I told him what initially attracted him to me when we first met ( we've been married for 14 yrs and known each other for 19 yrs) , "His kindness, his good humor, etc"
> 
> But then I asked him what initially he found attractive in me when we first met. His answer was "I don't know, nothing in particular, it's just the way it was"
> 
> ...


Not a woman, but I understand what you are saying.

My wife has said/done similar to me. 

It really hurts your feeling when they are so vague. To me that equals "nothing really special about you and I kind of settled."

If you really love someone is it that hard to search your feelings and memories to convey how they make/made you feel?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I think it honestly depends on the person. My wife can tell me what I wore on the day we met. I couldn't do the same. I thought she was attractive, but it was the whole package not one specific thing that attracted me to her. I also have trouble associating locations for all of our "firsts", yet she can. I even have her birthday and our anniversary date in my smartphone calendar. I can't remember a whole lot. 

What am I trying to say? Even though I can't remember any of that stuff I love her more and more each day. She's the best thing to ever happen to me. Shouldn't that be all that matters?


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## cmrmcc (Jul 26, 2014)

Exactly! Now I know that he shows me in other ways, but.. even if you never thought about it, there is always something, "Something" that attracted a person to another. Whether it be looks, personality, physique, intelligence, etc. For me it was-- I was coming out of an emotional and mentally abusive marriage and I met this man, this wonderful man that not only was good looking but he was kind, generous, had an awesome sense of humor and made me laugh, which was totally different from what I left. I instantly was attracted like a firefly to a lightbulb! It didn't take too long before he asked me to marry him. We didn't actually get married for another 5 years, we both had kids, school, and probably were a little gun shy as far as marriage goes anyway. 

It is too hard to think about initial attraction? I find it hard to believe that there was "nothing in particular" However, maybe I'm taking this too hard, but the point is...

I'm not sure exactly how to take that!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well you essentially fished for a compliment and the fish weren't biting


often we men are dense creatures and if words of affirmation are a love language for you then hit him over the head with what you need so it's crystal clear


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

cmrmcc said:


> I was talking to my hubby the other day and I told him what initially attracted him to me when we first met ( we've been married for 14 yrs and known each other for 19 yrs) , "His kindness, his good humor, etc"
> 
> But then I asked him what initially he found attractive in me when we first met. His answer was "I don't know, nothing in particular, it's just the way it was"
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, I would probably respond to my wife the same way, and it would be a truthful answer.

The truth is, I have always had low self esteem and jumped in when she showed interest in me. Not one of my better decisions.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

cmrmcc said:


> It is too hard to think about initial attraction? I find it hard to believe that there was "nothing in particular" However, maybe I'm taking this too hard, but the point is...
> 
> I'm not sure exactly how to take that!


"Nothing in particular" could also be interpreted as "Everything!".


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

maybe he thinks it impolite to say the truth "Dat ASS!!"


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Don't feel bad. Lots of spouses are like this. My hubby is not really great with words a lot. He is better with actions. I have learned that when I need him to say something, like a compliment, I will ask him a question. Like...do I look beautiful still?...

Being a smart man, no matter what I look like that day..he always says yes. Besides, not being able to remember details is not that important. It is what they think right now that really counts!


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## cmrmcc (Jul 26, 2014)

I like the way you guys think! lol

Everything would be nice and I guess I could take it that way.  Yeah, we woman like to hear the words. We like it when our men say wonderful things about us. I guess I was just fishing for a compliment but I do know what attracted me to him.  

Men are sometimes dense when it comes to what woman what. But I guess we woman are the same towards men at least when it comes to other things besides sex!


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

cmrmcc said:


> I was talking to my hubby the other day and I told him what initially attracted him to me when we first met ( we've been married for 14 yrs and known each other for 19 yrs) , "His kindness, his good humor, etc"
> 
> But then I asked him what initially he found attractive in me when we first met. His answer was "I don't know, nothing in particular, it's just the way it was"
> 
> ...




Wow just wow is it safe to assume this is where he will be sleeping tonight


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

People have a mind for details about different things. I can remember when my W and I first met, even more so than she can, but I don't remember a lot of our dating time. I remember things in bits and snatches but she can remind me of something that I had completely forgotten about.

She can remember things that we talked about or things I have said over the years, which believe me can be just as much a curse as a blessing. I don't have much of a mind for detail about a lot of that kind of thing, which doesn't bode well in an argument. 

OTOH, I have a fairly clear recollection about where we were when we met and a more vague recollection about what she was wearing. She doesn't remember much of that at all. 

So it depends on the person.


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## cmrmcc (Jul 26, 2014)

Very true mostly content! I guess we each are unique and remember some things and not some things. lol He does remember very well where we met and how. Ok, I think I got it lmao! I can't remember everything we talked about and even the very first kiss! YIKES! Maybe I'd better keep that one to myself! lol

But we met at work. He was working in the warehouse and I on the sales floor. I went back to the warehouse to get some supplies to stock and he was talking to some of his buddies at work. He asked me to come over and listen to this "story". He said he had a dream that he was bitten on the neck by a dog and when he woke up he had scratch marks on his neck. Then he said "check my neck out and see" Well, I reached up to touch his neck and he pretended to growl and bite my arm! lmao! I left the warehouse in no time flat and wondered who this "weirdo" was! 
The very next day, he came up to me and gave me 5 gift vouchers to Pizza Hut to use for me and my kids. I then thought, this "weirdo" was so sweet! And I was hooked. 
The best way I can describe things is, have any of you seen that older movie "Sleeping with the Enemy?" with Julia Roberts? That was my situation. My ex was not so much physically abusive but mentally and emotinally and I met this wonderful guy at work that was totally opposite and so easy going, kind, generous, and sweet!  I will never forget the day as long as I live!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

cmrmcc said:


> I like the way you guys think! lol
> 
> Everything would be nice and I guess I could take it that way.  Yeah, we woman like to hear the words. We like it when our men say wonderful things about us. I guess I was just fishing for a compliment but I do know what attracted me to him.
> 
> *Men are sometimes dense when it comes to what woman what. But I guess we woman are the same towards men at least when it comes to other things besides sex*!


I'm not sure it's so much a men and women thing as it is an individual thing. Ask my wife what attracted her to me, what made her decide to never let me go...she'd tell you it was that first time I went down on her and she came in less than two minutes...I'm ok with that


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## cmrmcc (Jul 26, 2014)

I remember my husband and I and our first time. Try this... Orgasm 12 times! I will never let him go!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

careful now, you could hurt yourself


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## cmrmcc (Jul 26, 2014)

lmao! Never! Can't get enough!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

USE YOUR EROTIC POWER cmrmcc

DO IT NOW

A WONDERFUL WORLD OF PERSONAL GAIN AWAITS YOU


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

cmrmcc said:


> I remember my husband and I and our first time. Try this... Orgasm 12 times! I will never let him go!


See, isn't this sort of against some of the gender stereotypes out there? You, a woman, using great sex as a determining factor? Let the stereotypes go, forget what you have always been told about how "men" are or how "women" are and look at your partner for who they are...your partner...think about the question you asked him...has he already answered it, over and over in other ways?


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

I see this answer from men a lot, and I do it myself too. Part of it is probably that we don't articulate things as well as many women.

Personally, I've never had a checklist for women or look so closely into so many little details like a lot of women do. I just take the situation as a whole and if I like the person or not.


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## SunnyWife (Aug 6, 2014)

I asked my hubby pretty much that question once too and his answer was a very vague "I don't know, everything". I was also secretly hoping for a comment about how attractive I was or something like that. He has since explained to me that to him it was a whole package thing. Also, he can barely remember our dating days and I can still remember specifics.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Seriously? I'd take this as an ultimate compliment!! "Just how it was" is to me *exactly* how it ought to feel... unexplainable by any single thing, not a pure physical attraction, not something you said, but it just IS...

If he had said something like "your legs", wouldn't you be complaining he wasn't drawn to your mind or your personality or your sweetness? And if he said "I liked the way you laughed", you'd be upset he didn't like your eyes... but the ultimate answer of not even having to think about it, just knowing he was drawn to you on an overall, total basis should be seen as a great compliment, not an evasive non-answer. 

I'd say, don't look for problems that aren't there; relationships are hard enough dealing with real problems.

Sheesh!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, sometimes attraction cannot be defined in words, it just happens and that's that.

Don't worry about it.

When my wife and I first met (we were 14-15?) our friends didn't even introduce us to each other. She remembers me but was not attracted to me at all, and I wasn't attracted to her either.

Few years later, even as we got to know each other in school etc, I never really liked her or was attracted to her.....she was.

Then our friends hooked us up, rest is history. At the time, I thought she was attractive/nice/cute and all, same for her.

I guess the best answer here is we hooked up at the right time. If we were to hook up earlier, it probably wouldn't have worked out.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon all
I think this was (unintentionally) a land-mine question. So many answers could be interpreted badly, or lead deeper into the minefield:

If he answers "you were beautiful", then maybe "now that I've gained 20 pounds am I still beautiful", or "so it was just phyisical?" or any variety of possible (unfair) responses. I'm not saying you would say those things, but there is this fear of landmines.

Actually he is probably telling the truth. I can't say what it was about my wife that attracted me (decades ago). She was fun to talk to, she was beautiful, I was happy when I was near her. It wasn't something I could list or point at.


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