# wondering if im bpd?



## Brokenbear (Mar 14, 2011)

Hi all

I havent posted on here many times but have read quite a few threads. Recently I have read threads on BPD, my mum was diagnosed with BPD about 10years ago (hence the interest in those posts) and to me it makes sense, I can see many of the traits in her and I am so glad I am now in another state as it makes it hard for her to pray on me. I did some research back then when she was diagnosed and found it overwhelming and no matter what I tried with my mum, she would always hook me back in. I found the easiest thing was to have physical distance from her. She is now 10,000 miles away and the only way she can see me is of she flys here which she doesnt have the $ to do 


Anyway, after reading the posts recently I am starting to question myself and my behaviour. Most of the time I know when I am acting "bad", not always in the midst of it but afterwards I will realise and think to myself "holy ****, why did I do that?"

I identify with many of other peoples posts, both from a relative/caring perspective but also from a "i do that" perspective. I know I am being horrible to my husband, I know I blame him for my unhappiness and that I treat him unfairly when I wouldnt dream of doing that to anybody else. 

I know he will stay no matter what, he always does, he has never even threatened to leave me and that is what worries me. I think he should, it's not fair on him to have me treat him the way I do. He honestly is a great guy, yes he has faults, but so do I, and mine are much less acceptable than his. I don't know what I am supposed to do, I'm not trying to sound dumb about this but I just don't know what the next step is, or even if I have this disorder?

From what I have read about the 9 criteria in the DSM I meet a few but not all of the criteria, will list it below:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abondonment

I dont "believe" this one applies to me, I absolutely LOVE being by myself and have lived by myself for a few years. I'm hapy to go to the movies or beach alone and sleep by myself etc, yes I get bored occassionally and want company but I am quite a loner and often prefer being by myself. If someone wants to leave thats ok with me. If someone has an issue or I have an issue that can't or isnt something that can be resolved than I am accepting of parting ways, I don't have a fear of being alone.

2.Intense unstable interpersonal relationships characterized by changing between idealization and devaluation the relationship.

Sometimes I think this does apply to me. However with issues between hubby and I, I dont tend to go from hate to love or vice versa, its more like hate to just "meh" or "ok" it's never quite "love". I know that sounds awful, and I do LOVE him, just most of the time, more like a brother as I have lost the attraction to him..

3. Lack of ones own identity. A Marked instability of self image or the sense of self.

No, I know who I am, what I want, where I want to be next year, the next five and ten years, I am sure of myself and not afraid to stand up for myself or show who I am.

4.Impulsively in two or more areas that are self damaging. These may included abuse, sex, spending, eating, driving reckless, or etc.

Yes, I have an eating disorder. No matter what the emotion is, good, bad, overjoyed, excited, furious, it all results in me eating!! I can also be impulsive with money at times however as I am getting older I seem to be getting better at that and have less impulse buys (Im 25 btw)

5. Recurrent gestures, self mutilation, suicidal behavior, or threats. 

Yes, I often feel suicidal. Have been labelled with major depression and do occassionally self harm to release anger instead of telling who ever that I am angry. anger is an unsafe emotion for me. Having my mum threaten to kill me, hit, kick, punch etc when she is angry has scared me. When I feel angry it's like a button has been pressed and I just feel out of control, automatically I think horrible things, when I am angry I am not sane and often when I am angry I tell myself to just wait and cool down and think about it when I am in a rational mood. I usually try and give myself space from the person I feel angry at and then if I try and talk about it and nothing gets resolved or I dont feel listened to and still angry about it, THAT is usually when I cut. 

6. Instability in affect.

Yes, my emotions can be all over the place. They make sense to me but I'm pretty sure he doesnt get them.

7. Marked feelings of emptiness.

Refer back to point number 1. I like being alone.

8. Frequent displays of anger due to a difficulty in control.

YES - I feel frustrated over a lot of things, often. Pretty much everything I get upset about, I can pinpoint that it all comes back to one thing - being in control over my life. Anger is something I associate with losing control. 

9. Dissociative or paranoid

Again, don't think so. 

So I am not sure where that leaves me, or what any of that means? I have myself studied mental heath (I am a youth worker as a profession..) and one thing I was taught was that it's not necessarily about labels or "fixing" people, it's about the client and how these criteria or diagnoses effect their lives. So even if I met all the 9 criteria and I was considered a total "nutcase" by others, does it bother me? Does it effect my ability to live a full and healthy life? If not - who cares? If it DOES - then thats when the client should be doing something about it and asking/reaching out for help.

For me, personally, I can see that I am "sick" to an extent, I have HUGE control issues and have not ever gotten over some of the hurt and pain inflicted on me when I was a child (having a BPD mum, being sexually abused by an older brother, my dad not protecting me from my mums behaviour). I know something needs to change, I know it is me, I know I need to move forward in my life and stop being so damn controlling, I'm just not sure "how"?

Anyways, sorry for the REALLY long post, if anyone has any advice or tips for me that would be great, can also post more info on our relationship to explain things if thats needed. I am not trying to make excuses for my behaviour, perhaps that is what I am doing anyway? Just trying to explain my life, the reasons why I behave the way I do and what I am trying to achieve and am hoping to move forward from this bad place. I believe I do have a good insight into myself and am further along than some in terms of a self journey but I know I have a lot further to go before things start to improve!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think you are suffering from trauma and reacting to triggers in your environment (home life) because that is where your trauma occurred. 
Therapy can help. Really. And it will stop you from second guessing and worry, which is not a good use of your time and energy. Naming something isn't the same as treating it. Treatment is often just guided reflection back to a centered, stable reality. Which it seems you tend towards anyway, especially with your COMFORT at being alone. You learned that other people can be dangerous and unreliable. So being alone works for you. That's okay, I spend a lot of time alone, my mother was extremely chaotic as well, and she's a long way away and it takes a lot of money to get here, etc. I get where you're coming from. Fear of mental illness when one's relative is affected, especially same sex. Even looking at your toes or hair or whatever is similar can set you off, if you think about it when you see yourself in the mirror (unless you were adopted) you see the face that traumatized you as a child, more or less. Building trust in yourself and strengthing your stable reality can be achieved. But it also has to be practiced. Think of therapy as training wheels, you can keep track of how you're doing and discuss with therapist everything and I do mean everything. If you do not lie to a therapist you will get in the habit of learning how to talk to yourself and to challenge your reaction to different situations that trigger you back into trauma-land and panic. You also get into the habit of being honest with yourself by being honest with the therapist. The next step is being honest with others, and by doing that you can give them especially like your husband, valuable information on how to maintain a safety of sorts in your communications. Then you'll feel less likely to protect yourself by keeping him away and thus preventing the possibility of hurting you by short-circuiting. In a matter of time, you'll realize that you can communicate when you are stressed or hurt, and in most cases a normal person will apologize or explain why you misunderstood. 

Hopefully your H is not abusive. That is a consideration when you grow up with mentally ill parents, you assume that others are more normal than they really are. You compare everything to what you experienced, on the lookout for that. But abuse and mental illness comes in many different flavors and costumes.

That said, most normal people really aren't equipped to deal with very unstable people, so if you are unstable a lot, you should question why your H is staying with you. That's why I asked if he might be abusive. It is something you can only find out by really digging in deep and being brave about it. If you do have a MI, wouldn't you like to know and to place yourself in the best care possible while you're feeling sane about it? That was my reasoning. Better to arrange for your care and treatment before you get worse. But it turned out different for me. No MI, just a H that needed to be returned to the world. Who knows what is causing your symptoms? It is great that you noticed them.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

BB, welcome to the TAM forum.


> wondering if im bpd?


BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is not a disease that, like chickenpox, you "have" or "do not have." Instead, it is simply a group of nine behavioral traits. Because they arise from primitive ego defenses that are essential to our survival in childhood, every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of these traits, albeit at a low level if they are emotionally healthy. Hence, like body aches and itching, the BPD traits are symptoms that we all occasionally exhibit. They become a problem only when they are so strong as to undermine a person's ability to sustain close LTRs.

_Do you have the nine BPD traits? _ Yes, absolutely. Everyone does. We all do splitting (i.e., dissociation), for example, several times a day -- every time we daydream or are suddenly startled. Another example of splitting is the many times you've been driving and suddenly realize you cannot recall having gone through three lighted intersections. The same thing happened when you went to the kitchen and, on opening the refrigerator door, suddenly realized you had no idea what it was you were seeking.

_Do you have most BPD traits at a moderate to strong level?_ I don't know. Yet, given your remarkable level of self awareness, it should not be difficult for you to figure it out after reading more about the nine traits. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, frequent projection (blaming others), and lack of impulse control. 

_Do you have the full-blown disorder?_ Only a professional can determine whether your BPD traits are so severe and persistent that you "have BPD." Yet, as I noted above, BPD traits are symptoms that vary in degree from person to person. They are not something you "have" or "do not have." Hence, the determination that you "have BPD" is the equivalent of declaring that everyone over 300 pounds is "fat" and everyone under that weight is "skinny." Such a determination is ludicrous on its face and, for this reason, the current diagnostic procedure for BPD and the other PDs has been an embarassment to the American Psychiatric Association for more than three decades. 

This binary approach to diagnosis ("yes" or "no") was adopted in 1980 only as a concession to the courts and insurance companies that were demanding a clear-cut, unambiguous answer. And, because it makes no sense whatsoever outside the courts, the APA is finally gutting and fully abandoning this approach. They are replacing it next year (in the new diagnostic manual, DSM5) with a graduated approach that diagnoses various degrees of the diaorder).

I mention all this, BB, to explain why you should not be so concerned with whether you do or do not "have BPD." What is important is whether you have some of those traits at a strong level and, if so, how you can seek therapy to learn to manage them. I don't know the answer to those questions. 

Yet, based on what you've said about your dysfunctional behaviors, I am inclined to agree with Homemaker that you are describing the traits associated with PTSD, which is far far easier to treat than BPD. The treatment is easier because, with the trauma occurring late in childhood or the teen years, there was never any damage to the child's development of a strong emotional core (which usually occurs before the age of five). 

Having PTSD could explain, for example, why you are so comfortable being alone and have stable and lasting goals. In any event, I would encourage you to see a clinical psychologist to obtain a professional opinion. I believe you will find that your issues are much easier to treat than you have imagined (based on your experience with your BPDer mother).


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