# Those Dead Eyes



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

A relative of mine recently found out his wife was cheating again (cheated on him 5-6 years ago) they have 2 young children so he is trying to R with her (yeah I know what's the point). 
Anyhow their anniversary was last week, trying to be a good guy he took his WW to dinner and a show, my Aunt texted a pic of the 2 of them before they went out and the look on his face. Well lets just say he had such a dead lost look on his face, when my wife saw the pic she said that is the same look I have in many of our pics.
I told her I know how he feels, he is just trying to hold on, shell shocked unsure what he is doing that empty broken feeling which overwhelms you at times.
Maybe seeing it on someone else who is so close she might understand better, not to say she hasn't worked hard during our R but to see someone you know suffer with this might be more of an eye opener.

On another note my aunt asked me to talk to him (I talked to him years ago when it happened before) I told her I just can't too close to home too many things I just don't want to go through again talk about major triggers.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Talk to him long enough to suggest he have a DNA test done on the kids - she probably never stopped cheating.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I totally understand why you can't speak to your cousin.

You are trying to forgive a serial cheater yourself.

I don't know where you get the strength for that brother, but I send all my best wishes your way so you can make it down the path you have chosen.

I have to ask. Do you have any fear that trying to advise your cousin on how to handle his serial cheating wife might make you feel ridiculous or hypocritical with your own R?

What would your advice to him be? 

Because if you would counsel him to cut bait and run, I can see where that might undo any healing and recovery you feel you've managed to do with your own serial WW.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Talk to him long enough to suggest he have a DNA test done on the kids - she probably never stopped cheating.


:iagreeo that at least.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Send him here if you can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Does your wife realize some of your pain? How did your cousin find out this time?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Definitely suggest to him that he check out TAM. Also paternity test the kids and get checked for stds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

I am trying to think of a way to get him to check out this site without letting the world know of the issues in my marriage. My wife's parents know and a few friends of mine that I talked to in the beginning but that's it not sure anyone else needs to know.

He caught her the same way as last time she doesn't hide things very well for too long, she distances herself from him and this time the kids as well then as soon as he started asking questions it wasn't too hard to get the whole story.

As for their kids the look just like him so I don't know that would be up to him to check if they are really his, I am keeping my distance I don't need anymore of that stink on me hard to get off what is all ready there.
My wife and I have talked about this some and seeing someone close go through it will be a good way for her to learn some more about how much damage cheating does. I have made some comments to her that I would get rid of the cousin's wife if it were me, she has been caught twice, hard for her to say she has any remorse. Not that my life is much different but I caught her once (she confessed to 2 different people over a few years) so I am giving her that last chance and so far she has been very grateful.
I guess it doesn't matter every situation has a twist, different levels of love, commitment, desperation so if I were to talk to him my feelings about this wouldn't be like his and I might give him bad advice.
The only advice that does seem to be the same here is to make sure boundaries are set, total transparency and of course complete monitoring of all her movements and conversations.

This is stupid but I am reminded of a joke in a movie that goes "I can get a good look at a steak by sticking my head up a cow's a$$ but I would rather take the butcher's word for it" not me I don't take anyone's word for it I stick my head up the cow's a$$ and find out myself.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

love=pain said:


> This is stupid but I am reminded of a joke in a movie that goes "I can get a good look at a steak by sticking my head up a cow's a$$ but I would rather take the butcher's word for it" not me I don't take anyone's word for it I stick my head up the cow's a$$ and find out myself.



LMAO, that sounds like me! :lol:


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I think that 'dead eye' look is what finally made my WH realize the seriousness of what he had done. It was the day I got the info, on my own of course, that proved he had only admitted to the tip of the ice berg on his renewed affair with the same OW from the year before.

I felt dead inside. Cold, hopeless that I could do anything to get him to stop and to stop lying about it. I printed out what I had found and gave it to him and walked upstairs to our bedroom so I would not melt down as my son was in the house.

He came up and saw me and knew what he had done and how it had hurt me, again. He vowed then to never do it and hurt me again and as far as I can tell, he has not. Of course, as it was 8 months between his A stopping last year, and starting again this year, part of me is hesitant to get too complacent.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is very sad & I'm sorry for the pain that both you and your cousin have experienced.

People come to TAM for many, many reasons. If you sent him here, you wouldn't have to say that you discovered it because of infidelity. You can pick any problem from the host of problems that we all have in marriage to be the original draw for you. If it has helped you, it may help him, so give him the link.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Talk to him and tell him to leave her. There should never be a 2nd time. Actually there should NEVER be a 1st time either.

Just my opinion.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Maybe someone should tell your relative's cheating wife to take a long hard look in her husband's eyes in that photo -- maybe it will send her a message. Trouble is -- it's hard to change a serial cheater -- they have to change and seek help themselves -- something obviously she has not done.

Good luck to him and to you as well.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

I used to be a 'three strikes and you're out' kind of guy. Now I am 'one strike and make sure the door doesn't hit you on the way out' type of person. But that's just me.

Children get hurt more emotionally by growing up in a bad marriage.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Ever heard that phrase?

Fool me once, shame on you. 
Fool me twice, shame on me. 


Notice, there is no fool me three times. Because if you catch them a third time, you are no longer surprised. 

That guy will either go insane from mental movies, or become a hallow shell. A fate I wouldn't wish on anyone.


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