# How do I do this?



## Whatthe?? (Feb 7, 2014)

A Happy New Years gift to me was my wife letting me know "ILYBANILWY" I'm sure so many of you know the spiel. We have talked R and just over a week ago she said she would try, i found out today that her EA wasn't ended but if anything has intensified. I am so in love with her and can't believe I am here writing this, we've been married 13yrs and have three kids, currently we sleep in separate rooms.

How the hell do i make the next step? I don't want to sit here in Limbo land, it's hell on earth but the thought of actually splitting up is killing me. It's all just so AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm hurting, scared and so terrified of starting again, how do you do this?


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Either she moves into your bed now or enters counseling.

If not, Get a good lawyer and protect yourself and your children.

I wish I had done the same. I was a fool who thought the woman I loved was still "in there". While I was thinking that she was taking my life away from me and eating my cooking while she was already gone.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

you may be in love with her but she has already told you how she feels. Not to mention she has an EA going on, so she really is not thinking about you or your relationship right now.

You are at the stage of "what the heck do I do?" You don't know, so I would suggest you make yourself smarter on the issues of divorce. Your stbx has given you the speech and based on my experience, they rarely go back on what they have said. She has most likely already considered divorce and has gotten advice even though she has not said the "D" word yet.

Get prepared now before she drops the bomb. Even if you don't reconcile, you will not be behind the eight ball.

- Use the internet to study your states statutes on divorce and the requirements. If you have the time, study case law in your county to see how divorces play out.

- Find a Dad friendly divorce forum and start to read on others experiences. Learn from those experiences. 

- Develop a plan to get what you want from a divorce and a strategy to achieve that plan. Protect your children at all costs.

- Get some consultations from a few lawyers. Interview them to determine who may do the best job of making your plan reality. The bonus is that once you have talked to a lawyer, your stbx cannot use them for herself.

- Get prepared. Open a separate bank account (different bank than you use now). Move your direct deposit.

- Make copies of all important documents and store them in a safe location.

- Start to document in a journal how great of a Dad your are and how involved you are in your children's lives. Note dr appts, time you volunteer at school, etc.

- Work on YOU! Start working out, go run, see an IC to help you through this time. You kids need a strong Dad, make sure you are there for them.

- Get a handheld voice activated recorder and start recording all conversations with your wife. The purpose is to protect yourself from a false DV. 


I bet you are thinking I am off my rocker. I am a firm believer in being prepared. The point is to cover your a$$ in the event your wife does not come out of her fog and decides to leave you. You already know that she is having an affair, not sure what you are waiting for. The fact that she has not broken off the affair should be more than enough to prove that your marriage is not a priority to her.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

Do everything C3156 said. When you regress, which you will, come back here for support. Read Zillard's thread. He is now on the other side of this. It's an insipiring story of hope.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

C3156 gave you a good plan of action. I'll add one note: Don't move out of the house, no matter what. If she goes, change the locks and don't let her move back in. In that case, you should also do what you can legally to get exclusive rights to the house.

You say you are terrified at the prospect of breaking up up the marriage. It is a very frightening proposition, but you need to protect yourself. View this as a business deal that has gone bad, and do what you can to either salvage it or extricate yourself from it in the way that causes you and your children the least amount of pain and at the least expense. Compartmentalize your emotions and go to IC.

Since you have three young children, and since she indicated she is willing to try to reconcile, keep that as an option, but do nothing differently than if you were preparing to divorce your wife. Nothing that C3156 has suggested is irrevocable.

Your best prospect of reconciling very well may be presenting your wife with a stark choice and making her face the full consequences of her actions. Talk to her about separating your finances -- and do not agree to give her anything she is not entitled to -- and about your children. Nothing else. No middle ground. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

You need to reverse your frame of mind. Why should you take your wife back? She is the one who needs to prove herself.


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## Whatthe?? (Feb 7, 2014)

Ok, thanks all, I was hoping someone would have a magic pill to fix me up but I guess the hard work needs to be done. On a positive note I was about to start some of these proceedings this morning when my wife asked me to discuss what I thought %100 commitment to working this out was, I told her all my thoughts and she agreed to give it a crack. I'll put this post on hold for a while and see how we go from here, here's hoping we can turn it around, if not at least we know we tried our best.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Don't cut her any slack. Make her prove herself. You are doing her a favor by considering reconciliation.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

If she isn't in bed with you and EA is OVER. Don't believe a word.

How do you know. Ask her for all her passwords, email, texts now going forward - do the same for her. If she balks, you know.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

You got to go all out here and be willing to put your relationship on the line. If her EA has intensified, you will have no chance of Reconciliation no matter what she says. Is that fair to you, for her to figure out whether or not she wants you?

You need to MAN UP and speak to a lawyer and set up divorce proceedings. It sucks that she did this to you, but now you need to be the one in control, not her.


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## Convict (Feb 16, 2014)

I agree with those who said u just part ways and end it. Divorce her.

I am a soon to be divorced man, my marriage will end soon, but for different reasons. So I know the agony and pain u may be going through, and the fears about breaking up ur family and letting go of the woman u love.

BUT, in my book, there r two things I could never forgive myself for: Cheating, and physical abuse. It thus goes without saying that u should never forgive ur wife for either too. 

An EA is the absolute form of breach of trust. She has BETRAYED you. She has broken your TRUST. u cannot trust her again. u cannot love someone who betrayed u like that.

I know its hard. Its agonizing. But its clear. An EA is as clear cut as they get. it is only in that sense that u r lucky.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You will get divorced. What she has done won't magically go away. You're fooling yourself if you think there's such a thing as "getting over" her betrayal. 

You will get over it only when you've detached enough, and by then, a marriage is seldom worth sustaining. Some people stay married purely out of stubbornness. They waste their life.

When one is told they're not loved by their spouse, divorce is the only right action.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Crush the affair.

What evidence do you have.

You know this guy's name? Where he works? You know his family?


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