# I Cheated, Please Read, There’s More



## ksmith1121 (Apr 11, 2020)

I have been married for almost 14 years and together for 16 years. I’m not going to lie, I’m the the one that recently committed the act of infidelity. I am so deeply sorry to my wife for what I have done and so ashamed of myself. 

It’s something that I’ve always been against. I truly love my wife, I’ve always known that, but I realize that even more now. Short version, I was out of town and things happened, nothing was emotional or anything, but things came out in the open and the way they did, I truly believe God had a role. My wife and I have had some major ups and downs in going through this, which I would expect. 

I truly believe she loves me and our connection is still strong, otherwise I’m sure we would not be where we are right now. I’m looking for some advice and/or opinion on something though. 

Through these ups/downs there has been concern that I would be thinking of someone else when I’m with her. That has never been the case in the past and I don’t remember enough of what happened and honestly what happened, I’m so disgusted with myself, there couldn’t be any good thoughts about it. There had been comments thrown out there to me such as “how would you like it if thought of ......,, but there was her ex-fiancé’s name in that spot” and comments about messaging him. Then they did happen to message, I think he messaged her, but either way they were messaging. 

I knew in the beginning of our marriage they had messaged each other from time to time, because I would see his number on our phone bill, but I thought that had gone to the way side. She told me they message from time (every few months or so) and he asks about our family and such. Because o what I had done, she has checked my phone and I am more than willing to let her. She told me if their recent messaging and she showed me. When I saw it, they had even messaged pictures in the message. 

They weren’t provocative pictures, but I’m thinking “why would pictures be sent?”. She said she has sent pictures in the past of our kids too. These recent messages have been spread over a few days, am I thinking wrong, because a “hi, how are you doing?” shouldn’t really be spread out over a few days I wouldn’t think. There is some past here too, we don’t live in the exact same area as him, but we were back at home probably 5-7 years ago and out with fiends somewhere and he happened to be there. I’ve met him before and have been plenty cordial with him, but that night as it got later and people had more drinks, a few of my friends actually asked me “who is this guy, do we need to take care of him”, because of how he was acting towards my wife. I shrugged them and him off that night, but was I being blind? 

Especially now knowing there has been messaging, basically going on behind my back for the last 14 years? I know I’m the one that physically committed the act of infidelity and deeply regret what I have done, but is that or could be considered emotional infidelity for the last who knows how many years? 

Now, I’ve got a question of whether she thinks or has thought of him when with me, beings it seemed to roll off the tongue kind of easily. I truly, deeply, love my wife and can’t imagine life without her and would do anything for her. 

Did I end up doing what I did and it to come out, somehow so I would know about this? Some advice/opinions please.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

14 years and no physical intimacy? Maybe.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Over the last 14 years have they had the chance to be alone for 10 or more minutes? Has she gone "home" without you, perhaps stayed with family?

Do you go out of town often? Is he near enough for them to meet up when you are travelling?

Opportunity does not mean action - but it does mean that temptation would have had to be resisted.

IMO truly aware and trustworthy people avoid putting themselves at risk of failing to resist.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ksmith1121 said:


> Did I end up doing what I did and it to come out, somehow so I would know about this? Some advice/opinions please.


Your fairy godmother did not wave her wand and present you with an affair partner just so you could learn of your wife's ongoing communications with her ex.

That dog won't hunt. Back to the grab bag of excuses.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ksmith1121 said:


> I have been married for almost 14 years and together for 16 years. I’m not going to lie, I’m the the one that recently committed the act of infidelity. I am so deeply sorry to my wife for what I have done and so ashamed of myself. It’s something that I’ve always been against. I truly love my wife, I’ve always known that, but I realize that even more now. Short version, I was out of town and things happened, nothing was emotional or anything, but things came out in the open and the way they did, I truly believe God had a role. My wife and I have had some major ups and downs in going through this, which I would expect. I truly believe she loves me and our connection is still strong, otherwise I’m sure we would not be where we are right now. I’m looking for some advice and/or opinion on something though. Through these ups/downs there has been concern that I would be thinking of someone else when I’m with her. That has never been the case in the past and I don’t remember enough of what happened and honestly what happened, I’m so disgusted with myself, there couldn’t be any good thoughts about it.  There had been comments thrown out there to me such as “how would you like it if thought of ......,, but there was her ex-fiancé’s name in that spot” and comments about messaging him. Then they did happen to message, I think he messaged her, but either way they were messaging. I knew in the beginning of our marriage they had messaged each other from time to time, because I would see his number on our phone bill, but I thought that had gone to the way side. She told me they message from time (every few months or so) and he asks about our family and such. Because o what I had done, she has checked my phone and I am more than willing to let her. She told me if their recent messaging and she showed me. When I saw it, they had even messaged pictures in the message. They weren’t provocative pictures, but I’m thinking “why would pictures be sent?”. She said she has sent pictures in the past of our kids too. These recent messages have been spread over a few days, am I thinking wrong, because a “hi, how are you doing?” shouldn’t really be spread out over a few days I wouldn’t think. There is some past here too, we don’t live in the exact same area as him, but we were back at home probably 5-7 years ago and out with fiends somewhere and he happened to be there. I’ve met him before and have been plenty cordial with him, but that night as it got later and people had more drinks, a few of my friends actually asked me “who is this guy, do we need to take care of him”, because of how he was acting towards my wife. I shrugged them and him off that night, but was I being blind? Especially now knowing there has been messaging, basically going on behind my back for the last 14 years? I know I’m the one that physically committed the act of infidelity and deeply regret what I have done, but is that or could be considered emotional infidelity for the last who knows how many years? Now, I’ve got a question of whether she thinks or has thought of him when with me, beings it seemed to roll off the tongue kind of easily. I truly, deeply, love my wife and can’t imagine life without her and would do anything for her.  Did I end up doing what I did and it to come out, somehow so I would know about this? Some advice/opinions please.


There. I took out the distraction from your thread. Let's focus on the real problem. What you are doing is trying to blame your cheating on your wife's behavior. In addition, you are projecting your actions onto your wife. Both a wrong. 

Take 100% responsibility for your infidelity.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Dude, so much for remorse and the projection your doing. Your crap stinks of high heaven. And now you come to realization of making your wife out to be the bad guy doesn't fly.

Your a weak or nonconfrontational man, while at a party this other man was pawing your wife and you let it be, so much so that other men asked you to let them take care of business. 

You shrug and tell them it's ok, maybe you should have stepped up to the plate. 

But, the whole thing is wrong because your in ability to tell her to knock it off. After 14 yrs, it may unfold to you your disliking. Is he close enough to see? A 2hr drive is close enough. 

But what are you going to do, does your wife know of the ONS? Who's insecurities brought up the idea of thinking of the other? 

When are you going to tell her? If you will not be open and honest taking the chance to see where she will go is rugsweeping the deed. And it shows your weakness, and inability to stand up no less a man. Passivity is what you display, even now in your attempt to shift focus in your mind while trying to justify your infidelity.


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

Judging solely on the content of your post, I'm guessing you haven't gone to counseling- either individually or together. Honestly, you both could use counseling but you definitely need it. You are asking questions that tell us you are remorseful to an extent, but have not gotten to the point where you are owning your portion of this 100%. You're basically asking if her actions justify yours. They don't.

Find yourself a top-notch counselor, and prepare yourself to hear some difficult truths.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

ksmith1121 said:


> things came out in the open and the way they did, I truly believe God had a role.


I'm going to comment to this one aspect. The truth is, God did not have a role in your adultery. I think you know that.
Neither does God have a role in your wife's choices and behavior. I think you know that, too.

That being said, I also know this. That God HAS a role, going forward, in your marriage and in your lives. The truth is, you could have availed yourself of God, His mercy, and His help, without any adultery. The truth is, your wife can avail herself of God, His mercy, and His help, without her (at minimum) "adultery of the heart". The truth is, there does not have to be physical connection to constitute adultery. The Lord Jesus Christ was plainly clear on this. 

You seem willing to stop your adultery, turn away from it, and turn toward God. God will never fail you. God may not bring your desired outcome, unless your wife is also willing to stop her adultery, turn away from it, and turn toward God.
God will never fail her, either.

But, if you both turn toward Him, and seek Him, wonderful results can happen. I pray you do.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Yep, there was no cosmic intervention. The universe doesn't give a rip about what the ants on the 3rd rock from the sun are up to. Their lives, their choices and their consequences. Don't go blaming your crappy choices on hidden forces.

There is only one reason you cheated on your wife and that is because you wanted to. Own it.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

ksmith1121 said:


> She told me if their recent messaging and she showed me. When I saw it, they had even messaged pictures in the message. They weren’t provocative pictures, but I’m thinking “why would pictures be sent?”. She said she has sent pictures in the past of our kids too. *These recent messages have been spread over a few days, am I thinking wrong, because a “hi, how are you doing?” shouldn’t really be spread out over a few days I wouldn’t think.* There is some past here too, we don’t live in the exact same area as him, but we were back at home probably 5-7 years ago and out with fiends somewhere and *he happened to be there*. I’ve met him before and have been plenty cordial with him, but that night as it got later and people had more drinks, a few of my friends actually asked me “who is this guy, do we need to take care of him”, because of *how he was acting towards my wife*. I shrugged them and him off that night, but was I being blind? Especially now knowing there has been messaging, basically going on *behind my back for the last 14 years?* I know I’m the one that physically committed the act of infidelity and deeply regret what I have done, but is that or could be considered *emotional infidelity for the last who knows how many years?* Now, I’ve got a question of whether she thinks or has thought of him when with me, beings it seemed to roll off the tongue kind of easily. I truly, deeply, love my wife and can’t imagine life without her and would do anything for her. *Did I end up doing what I did and it to come out, somehow so I would know about this?* Some advice/opinions please.


Does your wife tell you when she messages her friends or sends pictures to her friends? Is it possible she thinks of an ex as a friend now? People who have been cheated on get sensitive about that, but people who have never been cheated on often see nothing wrong with staying friends after breaking up - true friends - or having opposite-sex friends. In my opinion, anything is possible, but your evidence is very thin.


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## ksmith1121 (Apr 11, 2020)

Lila said:


> There. I took out the distraction from your thread. Let's focus on the real problem. What you are doing is trying to blame your cheating on your wife's behavior. In addition, you are projecting your actions onto your wife. Both a wrong.
> 
> Take 100% responsibility for your infidelity.


I couldn’t agree more. I am taking full responsibility. I’m not trying to blame my actions on her by any means. What I’m actually trying to figure out is that something that legitimately takes place? From what I’ve read on things, typically and ex will stay in touch for different reasons, but one of the main reasons is that they are hoping for another chance at some point. They were together for a while, but no kids together, etc.


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## ksmith1121 (Apr 11, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Your fairy godmother did not wave her wand and present you with an affair partner just so you could learn of your wife's ongoing communications with her ex.
> 
> That dog won't hunt. Back to the grab bag of excuses.


I couldn’t agree more. I am taking full responsibility. I’m not trying to blame my actions on her by any means. What I’m actually trying to figure out is that something that legitimately takes place? From what I’ve read on things, typically and ex will stay in touch for different reasons, but one of the main reasons is that they are hoping for another chance at some point. They were together for a while, but no kids together, etc.


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## ksmith1121 (Apr 11, 2020)

cp3o said:


> Over the last 14 years have they had the chance to be alone for 10 or more minutes? Has she gone "home" without you, perhaps stayed with family?
> 
> Do you go out of town often? Is he near enough for them to meet up when you are travelling?
> 
> ...


I don’t believe so at all. She did say she was out with friends back at home and went out and he happened to show up at the same place. I don’t go out of town at all. That was the first time in years. I’m not trying to blame my actions on her by any means. What I’m actually trying to figure out is that something that legitimately takes place? From what I’ve read on things, typically and ex will stay in touch for different reasons, but one of the main reasons is that they are hoping for another chance at some point. They were together for a while, but no kids together, etc.


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## ksmith1121 (Apr 11, 2020)

Music_Man said:


> Judging solely on the content of your post, I'm guessing you haven't gone to counseling- either individually or together. Honestly, you both could use counseling but you definitely need it. You are asking questions that tell us you are remorseful to an extent, but have not gotten to the point where you are owning your portion of this 100%. You're basically asking if her actions justify yours. They don't.
> 
> Find yourself a top-notch counselor, and prepare yourself to hear some difficult truths.


I couldn’t agree more. I am taking full responsibility. I’m not trying to blame my actions on her by any means. What I’m actually trying to figure out is that something that legitimately takes place? From what I’ve read on things, typically and ex will stay in touch for different reasons, but one of the main reasons is that they are hoping for another chance at some point. They were together for a while, but no kids together, etc.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You both have to work hard to heal your marriage. You mortally wounded your marriage and need to do everything in your power to redeem yourself.

This doesn't allow for overlooking her messaging an ex for years.

If her relationship with her ex is a thorn in your marriage, you need to talk with her about it, expressing your concerns and how it makes you feel.

This is separate from your destruction.

It is an issue I would have problems with as well.

It can't be combined or associated with your own cheating.

You did that all on your own.

Her issue does need addressed but not in relation to your own.

Have you been to counseling with her?

This should be addressed there.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I'm happily married and I'm still in touch with my ex boyfriends. 

I chat with them once in a while. I haven't seen them in years and I don't really plan on meeting them. We are friends on Facebook I see their family pictures they see mine. I'm not looking for another chance with them, they are not looking for another chance with me. We are just friends.

There's no excuse for your ONS. Stop trying to blame your actions on your wife's friendship with her ex. 

I'm sure your wife feels like crap and she might be thinking about divorcing you. I don't blame her.

Focus on fixing you and your cheating behavior. 

What have you done for your marriage and your wife?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Much like your wife, my ex boyfriend and I would message each other occasionally. He went through a very difficult time about 15 years ago and asked if he could call me for some support and advice as someone who had been with him in the past. I told my then husband about it at the time just as your wife did with you. We never once had a rekindling of our romance. I supported someone who at one time was important to me. I never even thought about making that into something more. 

Your question was "does this sort of thing happen sometimes" and the answer is yes. She is probably messaging him more now because she is so deeply wounded by what you have done to her. If you come after her now saying you don't like something that she's been open with you about for years you are just going to piss her off and she will think you are doing it to deflect from your own dirty deed. 

Read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" if you truly want to help your wife. Now is the time for stepping up and taking responsibility for your actions. 

I wish you good luck.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

ksmith1121 said:


> I don’t believe so at all. She did say she was out with friends back at home and went out and he happened to show up at the same place. I don’t go out of town at all. That was the first time in years. I’m not trying to blame my actions on her by any means. What I’m actually trying to figure out is that something that legitimately takes place? From what I’ve read on things, typically and ex will stay in touch for different reasons, but one of the main reasons is that they are hoping for another chance at some point. They were together for a while, but no kids together, etc.


I'm not suggesting that you are blaming her for your stupidity - but you are wondering if she has also been unfaithful given that she is still in contact - correct?

_ "out with friends back at home and went out and he happened to show up at the same place"_ is unsettling isn't it. It could be a genuine coincidence, it was probably innocuous - but then ..........who knows? Who was she with (family or girls-on the-prowl)? Who was he with? What sort of place - a decent restaurant or a dodgy night club? Anyone you know who was there?

Is he near enough that they could meet up during the day - like mutually calling in a sickie?

The problem you have is that if, and it's a very big if, she has been unfaithful she is unlikely to admit it isn't she. 

An idea - FWIW (and that may be very little) - what do you think of offering to take a polygraph and answer any questions she may choose - without condition - but say that you would like her to dispel your concern by answering a couple of questions (same circumstances) about her ongoing relationship with her ex? Don't make her involvement a condition - just see how she reacts to the idea.

PS - unlike some here I don't have the capacity to believe in god(s). One of the reasons I lost my childhood faith was because I noticed that those who did seem otherwise indistinguishable from those that don't. Some are good people, some are bad. Some are cheats, some aren't. Some are truthful, some aren't. I would recommend that you, in as far as you can, work through this situation without expecting any form of divine involvement.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@ksmith1121 You need to be honest with your wife. It's possible you are the only one who cheated. So, how will you handle that possibility?


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

How long ago was your cheating and how long ago did your wife find out?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

ksmith1121 said:


> I don’t believe so at all. She did say she was out with friends back at home and went out and he happened to show up at the same place. I don’t go out of town at all. That was the first time in years. I’m not trying to blame my actions on her by any means. What I’m actually trying to figure out is that something that legitimately takes place? From what I’ve read on things, typically and ex will stay in touch for different reasons, but one of the main reasons is that they are hoping for another chance at some point. They were together for a while, but no kids together, etc.


You open the doors wide open on this one, and you'll reap what you sewn, face it your one action sometimes deliverers exactly what should be.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Tilted 1 said:


> You open the doors wide open on this one, and you'll reap what you sewn, face it your one action sometimes deliverers exactly what should be.


She was messaging with her ex-fiance' before he cheated so it's not revenge on her part even though she will likely present it as such. I think it's just a case of both of them cheating without the other knowing about it.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I agree and he'll probably never find out now. She has all the chips.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Tilted 1 said:


> I agree and he'll probably never find out now. She has all the chips.


Cases like this I say they are perfect for each other, stay married. It saves everyone else from having to deal with them.


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## NorseViking (Apr 14, 2018)

Yeah, one should be finished with earlier relationships, so _no contact_ with former partners. By the way, after Facebook was created so many ex-bfs and ex-gfs found them selves again and hooked up.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

I am in contact with a few ExGF, but never ExW. Except for one there has been no thoughts or hints of rekindling anything. Just a meet up for dinner when I am in her town or she in mine.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ksmith1121 said:


> I have been married for almost 14 years and together for 16 years. I’m not going to lie, I’m the the one that recently committed the act of infidelity. I am so deeply sorry to my wife for what I have done and so ashamed of myself.
> 
> It’s something that I’ve always been against. I truly love my wife, I’ve always known that, but I realize that even more now. Short version, I was out of town and things happened, nothing was emotional or anything, but things came out in the open and the way they did, I truly believe God had a role. My wife and I have had some major ups and downs in going through this, which I would expect.
> 
> ...


Sounds to me there are two issues here. Your infidelity and your wife's possible emotional infidelity. I also appears wehn reading this that you are trying to excuse your behaviour instead of owning up to it. Does you wife know what you have done. Why dont you come clean?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Tilted 1 said:


> I agree and he'll probably never find out now. She has all the chips.


Or it could be a matter of him trying to make her contact with the ex something it is not. Why now after all these years. If it was such a burning issue, why not come on here for example and deal with it. Why only now just because he has already cheated, something smells way off here.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

There is a lot wrong here. You cheated, own it. And yes you are trying to blame shift.

You need to read "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" Just as a start. TODAY...

Now we have all these really great open people that love to keep up with exes.

I don't. I think it is wrong. I think i causes problems, lots of problems.

Your problem is your were too weak to tell your wife you had a problem with her ex. That is your fault, you should have put a stop to it.

Odds are that she slept with her ex over the last 14 years. Further, when guys said something to you about the ex at the party, what the hell were you thinking????

THEY NOTICED IT, you should have noticed it WAY BEFORE THEY DID.

Your marriage, and YOU, has lots of problems, fix them our get out.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Seems like Elvis has left the building


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Gabriel said:


> Seems like Elvis has left the building


It's what happens when people pretend to be remorseful but aren't, and then get called out for it.

He will have gone elsewhere, and will likely continue to do so, until he finds someone that tells him what he did isn't his fault and what she did is her fault.

Things like this are why I very rarely recommend to reconcile with someone that's cheated on you.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Looks like you thought (at least subliminally) your wife was cheating on you and you went out and had a revenge affair.
IMO, her behavior at best is suspect. However, you should have dealt with that years ago.
You all were at a party, and her behavior around the ex was inappropriate enough that others noticed and you* let it pass*?
You should have been all over that like flies on a rib roast.
Obviously, you have now lost the moral high ground. You need to own your betrayal, and start to clean up the mess.
Her culpability needs to be determined. I'd say that neither of you are safe for the other in regard to being a spouse.
If I were you, I would invest in Dr. Fone (or something similar) and both your phones get scanned in the presence of each other. You both need to write out timelines (subject to poly, if needed) and scrutinize each other.
Hopefully you can get a bulk discount on counseling. You both need IC with an infidelity specialist to address your individual malfunctions. Then if you decide to stay together, some MC might be in order. You both need to learn about being safe spouses and protecting your relationship.
This one is not going to buff out easy, it's going to leave a mark.
Best of luck to both of you. You're going to need all you can get.


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

@Tdbo 

Agree with everything in your post. Both need clarity that an unbiased professional can help facilitate. They need a good month (each) of IC to start, then if there's anything worth salvaging, several sessions with a top-flight MC. 

Also agree with the phones. I have a feeling that Dr Fone/Fonelab will uncover stories that neither spouse wants to divulge. 

I still go back to the inappropriate behavior by the ex in front of the OP...and his pals not only noticed it but confronted the OP about it! Talk about blinders...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Music_Man you are still focusing on your wife's may or may not be an issue with ex boyfriend.
When are you going to actually address the elephant in the room which is your cheating? How did that happen? Who was it with? where did it happen? Does your wife know this OW? Have you any contact with this OW? etc. Please stop sending smoke signals and side stepping the real issue here. You CHEATED, own it ffs!


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

aine said:


> @Music_Man you are still focusing on your wife's may or may not be an issue with ex boyfriend.
> When are you going to actually address the elephant in the room which is your cheating? How did that happen? Who was it with? where did it happen? Does your wife know this OW? Have you any contact with this OW? etc. Please stop sending smoke signals and side stepping the real issue here. You CHEATED, own it ffs!


I think you meant to address the OP. I've never cheated, just a thread contributor and a betrayed hubby.


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