# Trying to decide......



## amanda13 (Jan 15, 2009)

I've never been on a forum before so I'm unsure how this works but I feel I'm running out of options of opinions that might change my mind.

My husband & I will be married 9 years this month but have been together for about a total of 20 - we were high school sweethearts - if you can call it that. We've always kinda had a love/hate relationship mostly where I've felt I've been chasing him around trying to keep him interested. Regardless after high school he went into the military & we seperated only to be reunited in 1995 and then got married in 2000 - which if you ask him to this day he only married me because he was afraid I'd leave him. We always said we didn't want kids - we enjoyed being able to come & go as we pleased. He was deployed in 2003 - we weren't exactly on best terms when he left but it seemed the deployment brought us closer when he returned & we decided to revisit the topic of kids. He was deployed to help during Katrina & before he left we decided we wanted to try. We had our daughter in 2006 and since then everything has been a NIGHTMARE!

We always had issues about me not liking him going to the bars with the "single" guys because he's had 3 DUI's and doesn't know when to say when or when to call for a ride & doesn't get home till 3/4 AM. But while I was pregnant it just seemed like I was a burden and I could tell things were going to get worse. After I had "baby" I would get left home if we couldn't get a babysitter or he'd come home late from work because he was stopping in the bar again before heading home. I thought having a "baby" would make him want to come home - it was like the opposite. I started feeling like I was doing everything myself and that I was considered the "built in babysitter" and if by chance I did get to go out with him I was the designated driver because I was nursing - and that was a bother to him because I needed to pump or get home to feed the baby. Needless to say our sex life was next to nothing - he made me feel like he didn't want anything to do with me. 

So now I'll jump ahead but have to say one more thing - can you believe on "baby's" 1st birthday party he left me home alone that night after the baby was put to bed so he could go bar hoping with is single friends - NICE - huh!!! That hurt me sooo bad and I made sure to tell him that's one thing I'll never forget - he totally ruined that day for me.

Ok - so I feel I've beared alot and I know what you're going to hear is only my side but I need to know if the way I feel is ridiculous and how could a wife act this way or if I have grounds for my feelings. I don't want to throw a 20 some year realationship away & ruin my "baby's" family life over something that might just be "in my head". So I need opinions - please...

Begining Jan 07 - my husband told me he had a military meeting that would require him to spend the night on base. Not really odd but you know how sometimes things just don't feel right? Well when he got home the next day I checked his cell & found texts telling one of his buddies to meet him at a bar (that's a whole nother story - I HATE THIS SPECIFIC BAR!). So when he got out of the shower I asked him where he spent the night and he told me on base. So I had to ask him a couple more times till he said the meeting was cancelled so he decided he wanted to go out without hassle from me so he slept down at the unit on the floor. Don't know how much I believed that...... then I found our he opened a bank account in his name only without telling me & actually when I first asked him about it he lied...... a little later that month I accidently got into his email and found cooresponce with a woman that he must've known because they were talking about how she used to be a tease and she asked him why he was contacting her now & he mentioned something about how our relationship was - I later had the opportunity to ask him about her & he tried - I mean HUGE act -to tell me he had no idea what I was talking about & actually left to stay at a friends house only to come home a couple hours later.......
Within the next couple months the following happened - I found a condom in his overnight bag - when confronted about this he said our, at that time, 19 month old must've put it in there........ then he started telling me he was working late - not real late but only getting home for dinner which was like an hour or 2 difference ........ then I started noticing he would keep his phone on vibrate when home but right by his side and if he'd talk on the phone, which was rare, he'd go to another room....... so I started looking at the phone bill & noticed a frequent number so I paid to research it - here it was one of the bartenders from the BAR I HATE!!! Then he started going out at night with one of his single friends at least once a week and more or less saying it didn't matter if I cared if he went he was still going. One day he texted me at work about going out that night with his friend and I looked online at the phone record & saw numerious texts to this bartender - I couldn't take it anymore, I left work early and confronted him if he was going to see her. Well we had it out, pretty good. He told me that she was just a friend and if it wasn't for her he wouldn't even be here with me anymore. We decided it was probably time to split up - problem is he was leaving on another deployment in 3 months so he thought we should just wait it out & make decisions when he got home......like I was supposed to handle that ?!?! Well we ended up going to a going away party that weekend, practically our first night out together in over a year and we had a good time and we decided to try to work this out. I made an appointment with a marriage counselor (which he's very reluctant when it comes to what he calls "shrinks"). We had a couple appointments - I thought it was going well. Then I found a pornographic (not of her it was like a joke type) multi-media message on his phone from the bartender but didn't ask him about it. The texts started up again and I asked him about one or two of them and each time he lied - in fact he even had her in his phone under a fictious name. 
Now, somewhere in all this there's a 22 yr old who's deploying with them - my husband is 37. The night he left the house because he was denying the email issue - he started having coorespondence with the "tart" - the majority is texting but sometimes 30 texts back & forth within a couple hours - that is when he's not with me.
Ok - now I'll get into more recent - sorry this is so long but this is just within this past year. I do have to make note that during this time or sex life is really nothing but I had noticed he was shaving his private area- when I asked him about it he said that it was because he knew I liked it and he noticed it felt better during sex. Hmmm....

I've seen other emails where he's telling other women that he'd take them for a motorcycle ride, calling them sexy, telling them to contact him but not to let me know because I'd get mad. But I never wanted to tell him what I've found or how I know things.

He went for training in Aug - once home we had a little talk and he told me about the pornographic multi-media messages he was being sent - I think because she had started sending them again & had sent ALOT while he was away for those 2 weeks. I had taken off work because it was his last week home before deploying. The following day she sent one to him & he showed it to me - I told him he either needed to give me the phone or he needed to tell her that was unacceptable. Well he texted her - I asked to see it & he just said "I told her you saw it & she needed to stop" - not exactly what I wanted but it was done. Later I found out he called her when I wasn't around. The next day I was at my dad's to help my mom with her cell - she had to borrow my husbands old cell until she got a new one - well while helping I noticed text messages that weren't deleted. While we were at a weekend party he texted the bartender and 2 of the messages stated how it would be more fun with her there. That night was his last night home - I was going to try to keep my mouth shut & just support him while he was gone but he had to say "you know I thought like you'd at least act like you wanted to have sex with me at least once before I left" - well I had to tell him! His response was "I don't remember, I was drunk". Nice! I told him that was an excuse when we were dating, not when we're married with a child. Needless to say the night didn't go well. The next morning we dropped him off on base. Since then we've had brief phone conversations, I've sent him emails sometimes referencing feelings & typically don't get a response. Finally one night on the phone he told me he hasn't made a decision yet (on our marriage/divorce) and that he's still on the fence. Whatever! I'm not sure what changed but later something made him text me that he wasn't giving up - I just need to understand he doesn't have time for feelings right now. Oh and I do with now being a single mom of a 2 year old.
Well - it was finally time for his 10 day leave and he wanted to get a hotel room his first night. I really didn't know how I felt about this but I didn't want to be difficult so I agreed. There were other couples that stayed to so we actually ended up having a good time. I'll tell you, his 10 days home was so nice, it was like an illusion, almost like a honeymoon. It felt like it did 10 years ago. But that didn't last long. We decided to go out one night with my sister & her husband who were home for the holidays & well they didn't know any better & suggested going to THAT BAR - well I said ok but my husband made a HUGE stink about it and ended up screaming in my face & I slammed on the brakes & left him out in the middle of the road - he walked home. When he got home we talked a little but nothing really got resolved. 2 days later he left me on his laptop so I could do some online banking - when I logged into the internet it took me right into his email. I saw messages in there to 3 other women - one's a nurse & he made a comment about her being able to "nurse' him back to health if he got injured - another is his god-daughters mom and he told her how good it was to get back in contact with her & seeing her email brought tears to his eyes and that if it weren't for her former relationship with his friend & the fact that they're both married he could see them together - and then one to the 22 yr old where he said he was sorry to hear she was single, oh no wait I'm not - call me - remember you owe me - I have to watch what I put on facebook now that my wifes on I don't want to add any fuel to the fire, she'll take everything.
Now I guess I should've called him out right there but I didn't. The next day though we did have a 2 hour talk - I told him how he flirts and that he doesn't flirt with me and that there's a line into suggestive comments that you don't cross and how I'm unsure what his intentions are and that I want this to work & I want my family to stay intact and that he needs to start being honest with me and stop hiding things from me. I told him I was willing to forget everything this past year and even though I had a million questions, like why he was shaving his private area, I was willing to let everything go and move forward. He really didn't contribute much other then some comments here and there, I guess where he felt he should say something but in the end he said he really did want it to work.
Within 12 hours we toasted New Years, we kissed, hugged both cried & toasted to a new start. The next day I found out he sent a mass Happy New Year out to people, including the bartender and then he lied to me about sending the initial message. He also sent a seperate text to the 22 yr old that said Happy New Years sexy.

Since then he's been taken back to base - the old friend that he said he could see them together if they weren't married - he's been texting, in fact one night in 2 hours there was 55 texts. The 22 yr old, just yesterday 30+ texts in a couple hours.

I'm at my wits end. I wanted to believe him, I want this to work so badly for our baby but I don't know if I can keep living like this. He's in contact with at least 5 different women that I don't really feel comfortable with - but he says they're just "friends" and that I'm too insecure and need to work on that. Heck the "nurse" I went to school with, we ran into each other 3 years ago and we talked - I friend requested her & she denied me! That's not obvious!

Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? I'm afraid if I tell him what I know and how I know it and if there's truely nothing going on then I'll ruin my baby's family for nothing more then an overactive imagination. But I have a hard time sleeping at night and my mind starts rolling again 1st thing in the morning - I'm EXHAUSTED!!!! Heck I even have friends asking around to see if they know any hackers so I can try to get back into his email because I think that's the only way I'm gonna know how he truely feels. Is he going through mid-life crisis?????


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I do not think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. It sounds like he is up to something. A few years ago I installed a keylogger onto my computer to get my H's password to his email. I also installed internet spyware that showed me snapshots of what he was looking at. Now I have a free program on called K9 web protection.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

While I can understand you not wanting to make any major decisions without actual proof, there are red flags all over the place here. One thing that is fairly constant in your story that you can prove without a doubt is that his drinking has caused some serious damage to your family...3 DUI's...not remembering details because he was 'drunk'...putting drinking before you and your daughter. I would imagine if he stopped drinking, it would be much more clear to him how hurtful some of his behavior has been. That being said, this seems to be high on the list of what's important to him so I'm not sure he's at a point where he'd actually agree to stop. If he did, it would probably open up the opportunity for the both of you to really talk about how you've been feeling, how he's been feeling...if he feels your sex life has problems, you would be much more apt to want to change things if he plugged into your marriage and family.


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## amanda13 (Jan 15, 2009)

I had thought about using Spector e-blaster and had my opportunity while he was on leave but then I thought a wife shouldn't have to do that - right?! I guess I want to believe I just have an overactive imagination - I think for me it seems easier to just put things to the back of my mind then deal with them. I do regret not installing it!
If it wouldn't be for our child I would've packed up a long time ago! He swears up & down that he hasn't cheated on me but then in the next breath he says he'd never tell me if he did -
One thing I'll say - I'm glad the deployment is happening now!


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## amanda13 (Jan 15, 2009)

I know I live with an alcoholic - his parents were alcoholics too, not that that's an excuse. He typically doesn't drink to excess except for if we go out and I know I've brought it up in the past and he's just blown it off saying he goes to work everyday & provides for us so there's no problem. When he was home we'd go through maybe a case of beer a week. Heck since he's gone I'm lucky if there's beer in the house! I also know he's what we like to call a "drunk dialer" - years ago when we weren't together but he was across the states in boot camp he'd call me at all hours when he was drinking to tell me how much he loved me - I believe he still does that kind of thing but to other women & probably mostly in texts - I HATE TEXT MESSAGING!!!! 
As I said, if it wasn't for my baby I would've packed it in a long time ago. I've already been in contact with a lawyer and started my own bank account - just trying to get prepared. I'm also lucky that my boss understands & will work with whatever I need so I know I'm covered but it doesn't help the pain that's in my heart. What if I make this decision to leave and there really truely was nothing going on? I don't know if I could live with that. Right now I've made my decision - I'm married but I'm done. I've been very distant to him but it's made him contact me more frequently & he tells me how much he misses & loves me - and you know it's hard for me to respond to him. I'm not a liar & I feel I'm not being totally honest if I replicate his statements. But for now this is what I need to do because I'm afraid if he thinks I'm leaving him he'll change his direct deposit and I really need to get things paid while he's gone. I'm not taking his money & hoarding it but we exhausted 1/2 of my retirement plan when I got laid off a year ago and we used a credit consolidation company which doesn't reflect well on our credit report. I feel if I can just hang on till he gets home in 9 months and get things paid I might be better off in the end.


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