# Now what -- SIL mental health



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I love my sister in law but don't understand her. She has made a series of bad choices & now she's in a spot. 

She has reached out to me over the last couple of days seeking help with a job interview in my field. I gave her some pointers. I did snap at her because she hadn't done the bare minimum of research -- didn't know the name of the company or the name of the person interviewing her. She obtained that info & I did a quick internet search before sending her an email with a link to the cites I researched along with some talking points for the interview. Then at her request I ghost wrote the follow up email to the interviewer trying to nail down the date & time for the interview. The company was so impressed they set it up right away. She talked about the things I suggested & was offered the job on the spot but turned it down because in her opinion it wasn't enough money. The salary was the industry standard & what my office pays for the same position. She was being offered the top of the range despite having no experience. I explained that if she proves herself valuable they will happily give her a raise in 6 months. At that point she would have experience & could leave for more money. She really hates her current job & needs to get out of there because it's dangerous. Her life is threatened regularly but the company does nothing about it. 

SIL & BIL are in a bad financial situation. They now live rent free in a house DH & I own where they pay1/2 the utilities in exchange for keeping an eye on the elderly mom. (Read my other posts about mom, but thee is no money to get a home health aid or institutionalize her because the state of FL Medicaid does not cover the whole costs even if you are impoverished). 

Living there should be a win-win & allow them to save money. SIL told me & other family members that this arrangement costs them more money. I don't see how other than their commutes to work are now 10 minutes longer. 

SILs mother recently found some sort of mass on the back of the mother's head. SIL is worried it's fatal. Her mom is waiting for an appointment with a neuro-surgeon I tried to be reassuring. We don't know yet. Medical science is advancing every day. Etc. I mean what else can you say?

Anyway the stress got to her & last night SIL was involuntarily committed on a 72 hour psych hold. 

I know a big part of the issue is they don't have a budget. I also know where / how they could cut so that they could live on BIL's salary alone & be OK but she's not going to want to hear that they should sell their fancy new cars they buy on credit every other year that they can't afford & then have huge car payments. DH & I buy used for cash & keep the cars for 10* years. IMO they need to cut down on smoking, drinking & gambling. That isn't judgey. I am not saying give them up, just cut back. If they could manage to smoke less, say 5 packs per week instead of one per day; drink at home rather than in expensive bars or even go to the local American Legion where BIL is a member rather than the nightclub with $10 beers, they'd have more money. There isn't a good way to say any of that so I'm telling you -- TAM -- but will not open my mouth to them unless directly asked for my input. DH & his sister want to send them Dave Ramsey & Suzy Orman books & links. 

SIL was supposed to come to NYC with me in a few weeks for her birthday. When I saw her in April we planned a good part of the trip. DH & I were paying for the whole thing for her birthday. When I reached out in May because ticket prices had dropped she said it was too late to get time off. I know that was a lie but whatever. My plans around a business trip got cancelled but I still had a plane ticket that I was able to change to use to go down there. Suddenly she can get the time off again. We had been talking about all the things she wanted to do when I get there -- girls' spa day, trips to the beach, I'd make surf & turf at home (cheaper than 5 people in a restaurant) & bar hoping. I'm not sure I want to go bar hopping with her any more. She just feels too unstable to add alcohol to that mix. 

Is there anything you all can think of that we can do instead? How can I help her / them? If your answer is stay out of it, don't waste your time responding. Standing idly by is not in my nature. I am a fixer, rescuer of wounded birds. While that is flawed in it's own way I have to try.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

D0nnivain said:


> I love my sister in law but don't understand her. She has made a series of bad choices & now she's in a spot.
> 
> She has reached out to me over the last couple of days seeking help with a job interview in my field. I gave her some pointers. I did snap at her because she hadn't done the bare minimum of research -- didn't know the name of the company or the name of the person interviewing her. She obtained that info & I did a quick internet search before sending her an email with a link to the cites I researched along with some talking points for the interview. Then at her request I ghost wrote the follow up email to the interviewer trying to nail down the date & time for the interview. The company was so impressed they set it up right away. She talked about the things I suggested & was offered the job on the spot but turned it down because in her opinion it wasn't enough money. The salary was the industry standard & what my office pays for the same position. She was being offered the top of the range despite having no experience. I explained that if she proves herself valuable they will happily give her a raise in 6 months. At that point she would have experience & could leave for more money. She really hates her current job & needs to get out of there because it's dangerous. Her life is threatened regularly but the company does nothing about it.
> 
> ...


Sorry you're going through all that. It seems a mess for sure. Somehow perhaps you should draw back a bit with the tangible support because if you get sucked down too, all are lost and you would be unable to help when you want to.

Hang in there. Commiserating with you.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Who had her involuntarily committed and why? Any substance use issues? 

Seems doubtful any traction can be achieved, without mental health issues being addressed.

Don’t know if this applies, but it does come to mind: “When I give you my strength, I make you weaker.”

What are the ages?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

D0nnivain said:


> Is there anything you all can think of that we can do instead? How can I help her / them? If your answer is stay out of it, don't waste your time responding. Standing idly by is not in my nature. I am a fixer, rescuer of wounded birds. While that is flawed in it's own way I have to try.


I'm a fixer as well, but over the years, I have finally learned that I cannot fix everything. I can't fix stupid. I've also learned that being an enabler compounds rather than fixes the problem.

You mentioned Dave Ramsey. He quotes his grandmother: "Those convinced against their will are of the same opinion still." You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped.

It takes a long time for some people to understand and appreciate Dave Ramsey's teachings. His radio show is not as helpful as it used to be because he's now using it to promote his annoying daughter and the other book sellers/guest hosts from which he makes money. (Word has it that he's trying to groom his daughter to take over his radio show and empire so that he can quit.)

The only fix for them that I see is Dave Ramsey. Suze Orman is a waste of time. Her teachings are not consistent with Dave's teachings. If someone subscribes to her nonsense, they shouldn't waste their time with Dave.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

You have a heart of gold that I admire. But you are also being taken advantage of in this situation and being gullible. They are not in a bad financial situation at all. They are just reckless with money and spending it like congress on cars, cigarettes, gambling, and booze.

I would be seriously concerned about leaving an elderly person in the care of two people like this. Especially a person who has major mental health issues and drinking on top of that. The drinking ALWAYS makes mental health issues worse.

If you really want to help them. But them a copy of Dave Ramseys Financial Peace University and give them 60 days to move out of the house you own or start paying a fair rent for the area. This will give them no choice but to start budgeting money and acting like responsible adults. I am guessing their car payments, booze, cigarettes and gambling are probably easily 2k a month alone.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

If there is an inheritance in their future, the ones leaving it to them might want to structure things so it is less likely to be pissed away or consumed in a bankruptcy settlement.

I’m fairly ignorant here, but setting up a trust to give them a safety net seems more likely to help than leaving them cash to upgrade their cars.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Lord, that was exhausting to read. You should back out as much as possible. You just can't fix the world on your own. Like the saying "the lord helps those that help themselves". Obviously they are not helping themselves much.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Thanks all. 

I'm not going to make them move out. If they leave, MIL is all alone. That is completely untenable. Their presence is better than nothing & it's no problem for us. We bought the house to give MIL a place to live so we don't need them to pay rent. Plus making them homeless solves nothing. 

I'll have DH send the Dave Ramsey book. 

I'm glad SIL is getting help & in a safe place right now. That is the most important thing. 

I just need help doing nothing & backing off. That's my problem & where I need the most help so thank you all for not pummeling me for caring.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

D0nnivain said:


> Thanks all.
> 
> I'm not going to make them move out. If they leave, MIL is all alone. That is completely untenable. Their presence is better than nothing & it's no problem for us. We bought the house to give MIL a place to live so we don't need them to pay rent. Plus making them homeless solves nothing.
> 
> ...


All is good ol bud. It's a tough spot and doing as you are now is for good reasons, family's are sometimes the most difficult waters to navigate.
I'm sure you're doing what you can being a caring family member. And I can't say I'd do much different.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

D0nnivain said:


> If your answer is stay out of it, don't waste your time responding. Standing idly by is not in my nature. I am a fixer, rescuer of wounded birds.





D0nnivain said:


> I just need help doing nothing & backing off. That's my problem & where I need the most help so thank you all for not pummeling me for caring.


Nothing wrong with caring. I've been through something similar with a family member myself. My "rescuing" didn't help, and probably did them harm. (This is particularly hard with children. Fortunately in my case it isn't one of my children.) You have to look carefully at whether your "help" is helping.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

You can send them my plan for* how to be poor.* I've developed it based on years of working with *homeless *people. (Really). And studying their methods for how to never have any money.

(1) It helps a lot to be angry at people who have money. Blame them for everything. That way, your subconscious will make sure to prevent you from ever becoming one.

(2) Specifically, be angry at anyone who employs you, and show it. Do the least you can at work. Preferably, quit, with no other job to go to. That'll teach the boss not to try to boss you around.

(3) Alienate anyone who might be able to help you. Tell them to f*** off. Make sure to have only enemies, no friends.

(4) Be sure to be addicted to something that's expensive. Highly taxed alcohol and cigarettes for example. Gambling is also good, even if it's only scratch-cards. Who knows, you could win!

(4) Break the law. Only suckers obey the law. Always speed when driving. Throw your litter on the ground. Vandalise things.

(5) Never cook for yourself. Buy take-out food. Eat it out of the cartons, so as to avoid washing up.

(6) If in any way, you find yourself actually possessing some money, spend it _immediately_, all of it.

(7) Also, get a dog. Or preferably several.

F that Ramsay guy, is he related to the chef? What does he know?


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