# What to do?



## .345100 (Jul 3, 2020)

What can I do? My wife was sick for two years (Depression). I have taken care of her. Her love for me is gone she is saying. She feels guilty about her illness, and that she owes me forever because I have made the sacrifice for taken care of her.

After the birth of our son my wife was diagnosed with postnatal depression. It was a severe Depression and she stayed four months in a mental hospital. Now 1 year later. Physically she is back in buisines. Setting up her own business and is excercising several times a week.

She feels very guilty about the fact that she was hospitalized and had to left her child and husband.

Furthermore she is telling due these circumstances she is not feeling love for me anymore as she was used to do. Rationally she know she loves me but she is not feeling it.

For her (her own words) she feels that she owes me forever because I have taken care of her during her illness. Due this fact she feels not equal anymore in our relationship. These facts are preventing thas she feels love for me and seeing me as husband.

Sometimes she feels excitement when she read a book about sex and love. But she doesn't feels that for me anymore.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

It sounds like she is making progress and doing some of the right things to get herself back on-track. In some ways, she is following "rational" thought and choosing wisely.



Ron_Hobie said:


> Rationally she know she loves me but she is not feeling it.


Feelings follow actions. Many people get that confused, and think that feelings should precede and be the impetus for actions. Your wife needs to act as if she is attracted and has desire for you. That would be a wise choice.

She needs to know that it is "ok" to follow rational thought and the discipline thereof, in her "love" life. Hollywood sold it, that it's "magic". It's not "magic", it's MATH.
Ask any magician. He/she will tell you that "magic" is a set of rationally-planned, practiced exhaustively, step-by-step actions.



Ron_Hobie said:


> Sometimes she feels excitement when she read a book about sex and love.


Wanna know what I wish today ?? I wish I could put on a red cape, jump out my window, fly to South Africa, and bore my own hole like a groundhog into a diamond mine.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Of course no one should feel guilty about illness, which postpartum depression clearly is. As for feeling guilty about you taking care of her, my wedding vows included "in sickness and in health". I don't know if yours did, but either way you lived up to it. 

There is no rational obstacle to love here, but of course depressed people often aren't rational and due to the guilt and low self esteem it sounds like she may still be depressed. She needs to mention this to a professional, if she has relapsed into depression it is dangerous on many levels. 

I'd like to be able to tell you whether your marriage will last or not, but the priority has to be, address the depression/guilt/self esteem first.

Depression is awful and there is no shame in it or getting help with it. It's also awful for those who care for the depressed, and there is no shame in getting help if it starts getting to you.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

A lot of marriages fail when one spouse ends up being the caregiver. For either spouse that could be due to resentment, a loss of emotional or physical intimacy, a loss of "what was", etc. People usually think the caregiving spouse initiates the divorce but excluding situations like dementia, that's not always the case from what I've seen and heard. Sometimes the ill spouse feels like a burden, feels like they are in a patient-caregiver relationship rather than a romantic relationship, feels like they are a project that needs fixing, etc. 

You and your wife need to work on rebalancing and restoring the marriage. 

For a while, your marriage was skewed and your relationship was put on the backburner. That was necessary at the time. It is no longer necessary but it's not like the hard part is suddenly over. It's more like one chapter ending and another beginning. 

For rebalancing the marriage... Your marriage may never be an equal give and take but you should strive to get as close as possible to that. A marriage therapist can help you figure out a new, balanced normal. For your wife, she should be doing whatever she is capable of regarding chores, childcare, etc. and whatever makes her feel useful. She needs to find her "place" in the family, and depending on how you've responded that may or may not have happened yet. For you, you need to be very careful not to enable or disempower your wife, and not to discourage any of her attempts to even things out. You may be doing it and not even realize it. 

For restoring the marriage... When your wife's health was at its worst, I assume you put all of your focus on the illness rather than the relationship. So it's normal for both of you (or just one of you) to lose feelings. It doesn't have to be a permanent thing though. Generally speaking, if you act loving then the feelings will follow. It's hard at first but it really does work. At first it might not work at all, then it might but only lasts for half a day, etc. and slowly those feelings build back up. You need to spend uninterrupted time together, date, do random acts of affections towards each other because you WANT to (not because you were asked to). That last one is more important than it sounds. 

Your wife may also feel like she is a burden and that she isn't happy with herself ("it's not you, it's me"). When she was hospitalized, all of the focus was on her and her illness. You may also have put all of the focus on her and her illness, and in her mind, that focus may still be on her illness. I assume your wife has a therapist, if she's not then she absolutely needs to. 

Is she willing to talk to a marriage therapist? Ideally one who is experienced with these sorts of issues and dynamics. The hospital _may_ be able to point you in the right direction.


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## .345100 (Jul 3, 2020)

bobert said:


> Is she willing to talk to a marriage therapist? Ideally one who is experienced with these sorts of issues and dynamics. The hospital _may_ be able to point you in the right direction.


Thank you for your reply. Yes she is willing to work it out and there are days that she is willing to make it work. Somehow her depression/medications is influencing her emotions. She has difficulties to feel happy things like in the earlier days. 

But last week's there is some intimacy between us again. But there are days that she is unsure about herself and the future.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

She feels guilty that she left you guys alone, but also she says that she doesn’t love you anymore?! I don’t get it. Is she too honest, or too selfish?! You took care of her and she fell out of love?!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Ron_Hobie said:


> Thank you for your reply. Yes she is willing to work it out and there are days that she is willing to make it work. Somehow her depression/medications is influencing her emotions. She has difficulties to feel happy things like in the earlier days.
> 
> But last week's there is some intimacy between us again. But there are days that she is unsure about herself and the future.


Well, that's what depression does. So, unfortunately, that's part of the hand she and you were dealt. However, if she could feel better then she should have her medications and therapy looked at. 

If she is not in therapy then she absolutely needs to be. They can give her tools to help manage her thoughts and behavior. If she is in therapy and it's not working, then it may be time to find a new therapist or type of therapy. 

For her medications, if you think the side effects are causing a problem then she should talk to her doctor/psychiatrist. Some medications just don't work for some people, or sometimes there is a different med or a medication combo that could work better. If the doctor won't listen or take her concerns seriously, then it's time to find a new doctor. 

If your wife is willing to work on things, even sometimes, and see a marriage therapist then find some and book some phone consultations. The consultations are to find the right fit - not every therapist is right for every situation. 

You are going to have to take the initiative here. 

My wife was hospitalized for just shy of 9 months, then had two shorter hospitalizations and she's well on her way to her fourth. So I get it, and trust me, what you're going through is far more common than it seems. Don't listen to people like @marcy* who clearly have never been in this situation and can't comprehend it.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

She feels guilty that she left you guys alone, but also she says that she doesn’t live you anymore?! I don’t get it. Is she too jonest, or too selfish


bobert said:


> Well, that's what depression does. So, unfortunately, that's part of the hand she and you were dealt. However, if she could feel better then she should have her medications and therapy looked at.
> 
> If she is not in therapy then she absolutely needs to be. They can give her tools to help manage her thoughts and behavior. If she is in therapy and it's not working, then it may be time to find a new therapist or type of therapy.
> 
> ...





bobert said:


> Well, that's what depression does. So, unfortunately, that's part of the hand she and you were dealt. However, if she could feel better then she should have her medications and therapy looked at.
> 
> If she is not in therapy then she absolutely needs to be. They can give her tools to help manage her thoughts and behavior. If she is in therapy and it's not working, then it may be time to find a new therapist or type of therapy.
> 
> ...


I am sorry if my comment was harsh, yes it’s true I don’t understand depression like you do. Never been depressed even though my life hasn’t been easy, or been around one. But if my hubby told me I don’t love you after all sacrifices I have done for him and kids, I would have left. But I really like how caring you guys are. My hubby would never, ever care about going counseling or reading books to save his marriage because he doesn’t see anything wrong with himself. He hasn’t read a book since he was in high school. I am pretty sure if I was depressed or ill for a long time, he would have left me because he loves to play the victim and wants to be the center of attention all the time.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I've been depressed before. I understand that there is a higher-level of depression which may require professional help. If your wife feels a need for that help, and she's not getting it, then another path should be pursued, another therapist, another doctor, etc.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

bobert said:


> Don't listen to people like @marcy* who clearly have never been in this situation and can't comprehend it.


I think @marcy* was understandably surprised by behavior that isn't very rational or healthy and that there are more respectful ways to explain that.


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## .345100 (Jul 3, 2020)

bobert said:


> Well, that's what depression does. So, unfortunately, that's part of the hand she and you were dealt. However, if she could feel better then she should have her medications and therapy looked at.
> 
> If she is not in therapy then she absolutely needs to be. They can give her tools to help manage her thoughts and behavior. If she is in therapy and it's not working, then it may be time to find a new therapist or type of therapy.
> 
> ...


Fortunately my wife is willing to work with marriage therapist. She wants that things will get better between is. I think the indeed she is stuck in her emotions. She sees love as a feeling not a verb. And the medications let her feel stabile but numb. She also doesn't feel anything happy even with other activities. She is feels flattened in feelings.

She is taking medications for nine months now (lithium, nortriline and paroxetine). Her doctor doesn't want to decrease her medications because next week she is starting with therapy. She is next week finally seeing a cbt therapist. 

Thank you for your comprehensive advices!

Keep you people updated.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Ron_Hobie said:


> I think the indeed she is stuck in her emotions. She sees love as a feeling not a verb.


Seeing love as a "feeling" is the reason she is stuck. If she would begin to apply love as a verb, she would get unstuck. Hopefully, the therapists will address this and provide her with a path to get "unstuck".


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