# Helping him get past the guilt and shame



## chilimichigan (Nov 18, 2008)

Hi. My name is Heather. I am divorced with 3 children (9 and 7yr old twins) My fiance and I have been together for 1 1/2 years. We were supposed to be married on June 13th. Three weeks before the wedding I put it all on hold. He had taken off for 3 days on a drug binge. He has been an addict all his adult life. When he met me he fell in love for the first time in his life and saw something that he finally wanted for himself more than the drug. I was unaware of the problem. He hid that from me because, he said, he wanted something real for the first time in his life and was afraid I would walk away from him and for the first time in his life worked at getting clean. Several months before this, he came up missing for the first time and I was completely shocked. After talking with him and his parents, I decided to be that person for him. He and his family call me his guardian angel because he never cared, loved, felt guilt or shame before I came into his life. I have stood by his side to help him through all of the changes he has been going through. After my divorce 4 years prior to him, I decided to not give the time of day to anyone till I met the man I wd the rest of my life with. So even though I put the wedding plans on hold, I am committed to him heart and soul. No, it is not easy to be here right now. Yes, MANY people would have walked away by now. I have the strength, fight, determination and love to be here with him through this We have a rare relationship - the kind that perfectly flows and compliments. His addiction was the only problem. He is now in this place were he is having trouble getting past how much he has hurt me and the battles that came from him taking off to use and me stopping the wedding. He has slowly shut down and now is not sure if we can go back to being "us". I know we can. I understand where he is at right now. We live together, we function as a family, we go on weekend trips together. He said he loves me more than I could ever understand. He cannot image life without me in it. I guess, what I want help or guidance with is what do I do now? What I have done over the last 2 weeks is give him tons of room to breathe. We were always the couple that smothered each other with affection and it has stopped because of what he is dealing with internally right now. He still prepares and eats dinner with me. He does our laundry. Acts perfectly normal in family life with me and my boys. We spend all of our free time together fishing. I feel like he has a block up because he has never felt guilt or shame before in his life. I told him I am here, that my love for him and the relationship we have is important enough to work through this. How long does it take? What else do I do or not do? I have the patience of a saint for him so however long it takes makes no difference to me. Of course I won't wait forever, but I need help and understanding.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

It would help to know what drug he is taking.

If he is avoiding you now, chances are he is hiding the fact of continued occasional or daily use. What is his drug status now, to the best of your knowledge?

There is only one good way to give up drugs, and that is to find a good reason not to take them any more. One good reason is to give yourself the gift of better health. This is especially the case with cigarettes. Once 100% intention is reached to let go of drugs, the stopping is automatic. It is not a struggle. The struggle comes with trying to give up something when we don't really want to.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Once 100% intention is reached to let go of drugs, the stopping is automatic. It is not a struggle. The struggle comes with trying to give up something when we don't really want to.


bingo, dude! you hit that one dead on the bulls eye! i wish i could convince my former counselor/therapist of that, the arrogant bastard.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

voivod-

It's a secret I tell many people, but few believe me. Bless you for being one of them.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> voivod-
> 
> It's a secret I tell many people, but few believe me. Bless you for being one of them.


i'm living proof buddy. that's the damned honest truth. if they don't believe you, they're leaving themselves an excuse to "relapse" tah-dahhhh!!!! i said it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think its great you want to help the guy. but i think its sad that that is the male role model for your kids. 

I think you ought to read about codependency b/c you've got it bad.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

If he wants to quit he will be able to do it. He should however see a counselor or get in to a group. While I agree he will stop when he reaches 100% desire, a set back or stress might throw him right back in the mix. So he needs to be able to get past that when life gets stressful, he turns to a healthy outlet rather than the drugs. 

I have a brother who had a drug addiction, his wife never took drugs and she is like you, his guardian angel. My parents always said without her, he would likely have died very young. Unfortunately, he continued to take the drugs after he got married (they were married very young he only 17 and she 19, they had a child 2 years later). He eventually gave up the drugs so that he could hold a decent job and not worry about random drug testing. He's completely clean today but when his daughter hit teenage years, she began taking drugs too. He was her role model. She was young when he gave up the drugs but it was a lasting impression. My brother was and still is my niece's hero. She went down the very same path. Today she is doing well, no longer on drugs and is a pretty smart girl and a good mom but it was tough for her. My point is, he needs to be a role model to your kids he's got to give them up for good. You need to make sure of that. 

Talk to him, tell him he really needs to be the one to make the decision to give up the drugs, you are there to help of course but its ultimately up to him. Get him in to a treatment program. Tell him he has an important role not only in your life but that of your children, that you will be there for him and help support him. Its actually good he has guilt and shame, if he didn't I'd tell you to run the other direction. But he can't let those feelings consume him. You two should also try to find something to do together that you both can enjoy. I heard one time the best way to replace a bad habit was with a good one. I think this is a trick they use in quitting smoking (chewing gum rather than cigarettes) so what if you find a hobby, interest, sport etc. you two can do together, maybe then it will replace the bad habits from before. Also any ties he has to people from that life need to be severed, they will bring him back down. 

Good luck!


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## chilimichigan (Nov 18, 2008)

Thank you everyone for your responses. He was using powder coke heavily. He is clean now. He is currently laid-off due to our terrible market in Michigan right now. But he spends his time taking the kids to and from school and fills in the rest with his parents and fishing. Fishing is an obsession we both share and do together all the time. Co-dependacy? No, that is a negative. That is something I researched because I wanted to make sure I was with him not because I depend on another individual in my life. I work an hour from home, hang out with my girls, hit the gym and shop on plenty of my own time. He understands the importance of being a role model and what kind of impact that has on my children. He and I have the understanding that I am here to help. I am in his corner fighting for him. He has made the choices he has because of what he wants his life to be and what he wants for himself. He has seen a counselor and enjoys his NA group he goes to. The big problem at the moment is him getting through his guilt and shame. He has never felt it before in his 36yrs. So, in trying to work through it he has become less affectionate. Like I said before, I can see where he is at and understand as best as I can. It just helps me by having others to talk to through my end of this.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

chilimichigan said:


> Co-dependacy? No, that is a negative. That is something I researched because I wanted to make sure I was with him not because I depend on another individual in my life.


congrats for researching it and not falling under the spell. i swear, there are coda groups (okay, members in individual meetings) that would have you abandon him to "break the chain." this dude is family to you. way to stick by him.

some of us addicts (mine was alcohol) hit the point that we just decide "no more" and will never go back. i was addicted to powder cocaine in 1984. i quit cold turkey. but it ain't for everyone. good for him that he has you looking over his shoulder.


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## chilimichigan (Nov 18, 2008)

Thank you. Yes he is family. I fight his mom because she has been the enabler in his life and even now, tells him he will never change; that sooner or later he's just gonna take off because that is what he does. So hearing that from his mom makes it a little tougher for him and is also what makes it hard for him to believe he can do it and can regain the strong relationship we had. But his dad and I offer encouragement and an ear when he needs to talk through things. Every addict needs just one person to believe in them and have faith in them. I love him and I would want to be that person for anyone I care about. I dont feel sorry for myself. I feel blessed that God felt I was that one thing that could be placed in his life that could possibly move him to want life. He is making a strong effort and wants to leave it all behind. I help remind him every day that EVERY day is a blessing and he has been learning through me that there is so much in life to truly enjoy and smile about.


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## LoveAtLast (Nov 17, 2008)

Even if you feel there isn't a codependency problem you would probably benefit a lot from a codependent program. Although he's been taking drugs, al anon would still work for you.

It just helps you deal with the stress that comes from living with an addict. Even if he stops...for a long time there is still fear that it will happen again.

The more support you get the easier understanding is. I didn't feel I was enabling my ex at all....but the program still made dealing with addictions much easier.

By the way...I actually learned I was enabling him...in ways I hadn't even considered.

Good luck though....it sounds like you really want to do what it takes to work it out.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

LoveAtLast said:


> Even if you feel there isn't a codependency problem you would probably benefit a lot from a codependent program. Although he's been taking drugs, al anon would still work for you.It just helps you deal with the stress that comes from living with an addict. Even if he stops...for a long time there is still fear that it will happen again.


but loveatlast, correct me if i'm wrong please. but doesn't al-anon kinda give a defeatist view of addiction. in other words, doesn't it go on the thought that "it will happen" again? and isn't that a terrible fear to carry around?

i've been around into several al-anon attendees and they all have adopted a "break the chain" stance. get away, leave the addict kinda mindset.

is that not the prevailing thought in al-anon meetings?

**never been to one, just my own limited experience.


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## chilimichigan (Nov 18, 2008)

I went to a couple of NarAnon meetings. The people were very friendly and open. But they all had one thing in common - they felt sorry for themselves that they had addicts in their lives, had become obsessed with the addictions, and I'm just not that. Yes the fear that it will happen again is there and probably will be for years. But I am committed to him heart and soul and he and his family said that I am the most extreme person he has ever had in his life. There is nothing I wont do to help him - even reporting my SUV stolen when he took off. I make an all out effort to make sure nothing I do for him enables the addiction. Stopping the wedding was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but I did not want him to feel that just that one time was A-OK. My hats off to you who have beaten addictions because I see through him how hard it is. My hats off to you who have been the angels in their lives because I feel how hard it is.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

> I am in his corner fighting for him.


Interesting thing to say but I can tell you, you can "fight for him" as much as you want, he won't stop until he's ready. I did the same thing with my husband for years and it just didn't work. It didn't work until he was 100% ready, like MT said. 
You can be in his corner but only he can "fight for him". That's how things are.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

*Aceso* said:


> Interesting thing to say but I can tell you, you can "fight for him" as much as you want, he won't stop until he's ready. I did the same thing with my husband for years and it just didn't work. It didn't work until he was 100% ready, like MT said.
> You can be in his corner but only he can "fight for him". That's how things are.


i'm so glad to see a couple of people on this forum take the insanity out of the addiction conversation. i quit coke cold-turkey, same with cigarettes and alcohol. i remember vividly my last cigarette, and the decision to quit. it was alost like this: "you know, i don't really like these thing, this one's my last."
i walked away from a half smoked pall mall non-filter. and that was it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

voivod said:


> i'm so glad to see a couple of people on this forum take the insanity out of the addiction conversation. i quit coke cold-turkey, same with cigarettes and alcohol. i remember vividly my last cigarette, and the decision to quit. it was alost like this: "you know, i don't really like these thing, this one's my last."
> i walked away from a half smoked pall mall non-filter. and that was it.


Yes, that's how it's done. It's easy - once you make up your mind.
It can however take a few years to make up ones mind.


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## chilimichigan (Nov 18, 2008)

When I say I am in his corner fighting for him, there is more to it than what you are getting out of it. His mother has never had any hope for him to be any different that what he was. She has even said it to me. "This is what he is. He will never change. I will end up burying him." She has enabled him his entire adult life by having given him money, bought him cars, clothes, groceries, and paid his bills. He is done with that life. He has made his choice. And I really, other than himself, am the only person who has the faith in him that he can see himself through it. So, when I say I am in his corner fighting for him - that is what it means.


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## chilimichigan (Nov 18, 2008)

So, back to why I originally posted. He is now feeling guilt. And he is not affectionate and has said the block is because of how much I have been hurt and the battles we had over it. He said he knows that it is very important to me even though I have expressed that what is most important is our relationship. Is this part of an addict's psychological healing process? And eventually it will all come back? He loves me. He wants me in his life. The affectionate part is not there for the reason of his guilt he is now feeling.


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