# Getting over the affair



## cramdas (Nov 21, 2012)

Hubby had an affair with coworker which ended 4 months ago. He left the job. We have reconcile our marriage but I am still angry and hurt and can't seem to stop thinking of the betrayal. 

I knew the other woman and have emailed her and told her how I felt. Her response was "get over it *****". Every time I tried to talk to hubby about the affair he gets defensive and says when he thinks about it it makes him angry; he just wants to move forward with our life.

How do I get over it?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

cramdas said:


> Hubby had an affair with coworker which ended 4 months ago. He left the job. We have reconcile our marriage but I am still angry and hurt and can't seem to stop thinking of the betrayal.
> 
> I knew the other woman and have emailed her and told her how I felt. Her response was "get over it *****". Every time I tried to talk to hubby about the affair he gets defensive and says when he thinks about it it makes him angry; he just wants to move forward with our life.
> 
> How do I get over it?


He needs to talk about it - rug sweeping is unacceptable. Have you found a good marriage counselor? Hubby should answer any and all of your questions - he should be helping you heal. Who cares about his anger? 

Is the OW married or in a relationship - if so you should think about exposing it to her H or Bf..

Let hubby know there is no going forward without FULL disclosure and remorse....


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

It sounds like they want you to sweep it under the rug, I think with proper counseling recovery is possible both MC and IC. Your husband needs to man up on his side of the street, he is after all the one that caused this. Most therapists would say that he needs to talk to you about it and reassure you, he should be doing some heavy lifting so to speak in reassuring you. Your feelings are yours to feel, it takes time and effort to get over it in my opinion.

Good luck


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

cramdas said:


> Hubby had an affair with coworker which ended 4 months ago. He left the job. We have reconcile our marriage but I am still angry and hurt and can't seem to stop thinking of the betrayal.
> 
> I knew the other woman and have emailed her and told her how I felt. Her response was "get over it *****". Every time I tried to talk to hubby about the affair he gets defensive and says when he thinks about it it makes him angry; he just wants to move forward with our life.
> 
> How do I get over it?


you don't "just get over it" read others on here to learn and there will be some people here later today and tomorrow that will start to give you the recipe for how to move forward.

I will say this to help you. Your husbands betrayal is on him 100% it is your fault he went outside the marriage 0%. the decision to move on and how is yours and not his. Do not let him control this or move on with out real consequence as it is telling him he can get away with doing it again.
He is to write a no contact letter to the affair partner and you are to see it before he sends it. 
You should go to counseling together.
There are books both you and he should read to help both of you.
He is essentially asking you to rug sweep the affair so he has no consequence to deal with and this is a way of him controlling you and it needs to stop immediately.
Others will be here soon, like I said. Read there stories and understand that the advice you will receive is from those with more experience at this then you or I have.


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## cramdas (Nov 21, 2012)

I would like to expose the OW. They hid the affair from co-workers and in the end she gets to move on with her life and now he is still looking for a job. I am screwed because I am the only one working. I am angry with both of them. He is remorseful to some extent but I do agree that he is sweeping it under the rug.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

No job, no true remorse. Sounds like dead weight. What's stopping you from cutting him loose?


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## cramdas (Nov 21, 2012)

We have a 1year old and I pregnant with our second child.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

If you want to expose her then do it. You owe her nothing. 

I do agree that rug sweeping is not the way to go. Find a good counselor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

cramdas said:


> I would like to expose the OW. They hid the affair from co-workers and in the end she gets to move on with her life and now he is still looking for a job. I am screwed because I am the only one working. I am angry with both of them. He is remorseful to some extent but I do agree that he is sweeping it under the rug.


put her up on cheaterville.com anytime someone googles her name they will see she is on there and her reputation will be tainted each time. It won't be long before everyone that knows her will find out about her being on there. 
every new man she dates will google her name, prospective jobs will google her name, her family will eventually as well.


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## cramdas (Nov 21, 2012)

I would like to tell her mom also. This is someone I welcome into our home as a friend.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Oh my! That sucks. It sounds like you are being put in an awful spot.

Read some of the posts about this stuff. Getting over it is a LONG, DIFFICULT process. They want to sweep it under the rug, and you are left in h#ll.

Many of us have heard these words too. It is a big injustice to tell someone that has been devestated that they should just get over it.

Your basic approach sounds like mine. You want to reconcile, and feel that your whole life is upside down. The disloyal spouse wants to avoid guilt, problems with you, and embarrasement.

Your tactics/feelings need to change. You need to emotionally pull away, possibly file for divorce, and make him realize that HE is your problem.

Others will chime in. So sorry you are here.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

If you do expose make sure you do so with concrete evidence.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

cramdas said:


> Hubby had an affair with coworker which ended 4 months ago. He left the job. We have reconcile our marriage but I am still angry and hurt and can't seem to stop thinking of the betrayal.
> 
> I knew the other woman and have emailed her and told her how I felt. Her response was "get over it *****". Every time I tried to talk to hubby about the affair he gets defensive and says when he thinks about it it makes him angry; he just wants to move forward with our life.
> 
> How do I get over it?


Put her on cheaterville.com. When she complains tell her "get over it *****".


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## cramdas (Nov 21, 2012)

I just created a post on cheatersville. How will she know? Just curious...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Expose her everywhere/to everybody---she spit on your child---whatever you want to do back to her---its all fair in love and war

As to your H---he DOES NOT GET TO SWEEP THIS UNDER THE RUG---you wanna talk about something/anything---A THOUSAND TIMES---he accedes to your wishes---and he does it happily

YOU GET RIGHT UP IN HIS FACE, AND TELL HIM THE ALTERNATIVE IS D.

He needs to understand this is all about you from now on---he does what you need done to alleviate your pain and triggers

It is my guess that he wants no part of a D acton, due to all kinds of various consequences---so please do not be afraid to let him know what you want, and when and how------

From now on this is your ball game, played by our rules, and if you say jump his answer is to be how high---take no more crap from him whatsoever about anything


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

cramdas said:


> I just created a post on cheatersville. How will she know? Just curious...


Send her and her mother a link to the posting.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

workindad said:


> Send her and her mother a link to the posting.


And us. You'd be amazed at how fast we can raise the number of looks that page gets.


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## hellosp (Jul 14, 2013)

Think I found the link to her page... are her initials C.B? 

Cramdas,

I'm so sorry you're dealing with such a nasty xOW and husband who is trying to rug sweep. I dont have anything to say that hasn't been mentioned already... but hugs to you!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

The posting has 1624 views already...Nice. 

Cramdas, you may want to edit the subject from "My am the wife of a cheated spouse" to "I am the wife of a cheating spouse".

-BB


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

cramdas said:


> I would like to expose the OW. They hid the affair from co-workers and in the end she gets to move on with her life and now he is still looking for a job. I am screwed because I am the only one working. I am angry with both of them. He is remorseful to some extent but I do agree that he is sweeping it under the rug.


The OW needs to be exposed as she hand a hand in ruining a marriage and your husband leaving a job.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

cramdas said:


> Every time I tried to talk to hubby about the affair he gets defensive and says when he thinks about it it makes him angry; he just wants to move forward with our life.
> 
> How do I get over it?


He can't face you with his betrayal so he lashes out defensively. It's a coward's response. But then again, it takes a coward to betray so at least he is being true to character. In a way, he is betraying you again by failing to help you recover.This is unacceptable. For you to move forward as a person and a couple, he has no other option but to talk about it whenever you want, for as long as you want and answer any thing you want to discuss.

As to him wanting to move forward, I hate to say this but it's a way of telling you he has little to no regard for your feelings. He, the perpetrator of the crime, just wants to blow it off and move on. You, the victim, can never fully get over this and yet he makes little effort to help you. 

As to how you get over this, in this case, I think you have to forget about him as a loving and caring husband. He has emotionally abandoned you.

My suggestion is to separate yourself from him for about 90 days. During that time, care for your children and work on healing yourself free from him and his "leave you behind" ways. The hope is two fold- First, he will have time to realize what he is losing, come to his senses and beg to do whatever is necessary to help you and reconcile the marriage. If he does not, then you can be 100% assured he truly cares or loves you very little. Second, you need to get better for yourself. Have some time to be with people who do care for you and you can trust. Determine if he and his betraying ways are what you will settle for in life despite the fact you have two children.

One thing is certain. Your marriage cannot continue as such. Only you can initiate the change and direction it will take- for better or for worse.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> He can't face you with his betrayal so he lashes out defensively. It's a coward's response. But then again, it takes a coward to betray so at least he is being true to character. In a way, he is betraying you again by failing to help you recover.This is unacceptable. For you to move forward as a person and a couple, he has no other option but to talk about it whenever you want, for as long as you want and answer any thing you want to discuss.
> 
> As to him wanting to move forward, I hate to say this but it's a way of telling you he has little to no regard for your feelings. He, the perpetrator of the crime, just wants to blow it off and move on. You, the victim, can never fully get over this and yet he makes little effort to help you.
> 
> ...


Exactly how I am being treated by my WS. She actually twice told me to get over it because she had. You never really do is my opinion even though it's only been 18 weeks. they are really f**ked up people sorry to say. Good luck!


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## lisa1975 (Jun 8, 2012)

That's a common problem when the cheater doesn't want to talk about the affair. But for you a few details and a feeling of restored honesty is crucial to be able to move on and forgive (if not to forget).

There's a certain way to approach this if you want to get him to open up and talk about the affair. I've recently written a blog post about that and how to get over the painful obsessive thoghts and feelings. I think it will really help you. You can see it here if you'd like: http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/husband-had-an-affair/


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## cramdas (Nov 21, 2012)

I had to redo the post on Cheatersville. Will post the link here when it gets updated. Thank you all for your support.


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## cramdas (Nov 21, 2012)

Here's the new link to cheatersville:

Caron Barr - A piece of excrement - Caron Barr

Thank you for your support.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

249 views already!


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## THANKGOODNESSIMFABULOUS (Aug 19, 2013)

I hate to say this but you have to either learn to get over it, somehow. Or you have to move and do what is best for you. It is not any easy thing either way, but one or the other must be done in order for you to move past it. 

After I allowed my spouse to come back after moving in with the other women, I regreted it everyday. And I could not even look at her the same. I still loved her but she was not the same person I married. Four years later, the mean way I was treated, and what she did to me still effects me and my current relationship. Because now I keep waiting for my new SO to do the same thing my wife did to me.


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## PeterCohen (Nov 6, 2013)

One good thing about seeking advises is allowing yourself to have a chance to ventilate grievances. 

When relationship is concerned, I believe you may seek advises but ultimately you have to be yourself - listen to your heart. End of the day you are the one who is facing the consequences not all the advises out here. 

So, face yourself first before you face the problem.


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