# Clinical Sex



## Joey_ (Jul 7, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for 28 years. She has never had a strong libido....she says she can take it or leave it. She never initiates sex and when I do, I believe that it is a chore for her. Every other aspect of our marriage is good....we are best friends and will do anything for each other. I have tried everything I know to do to get her more interested in sex.....I am willing to do anything that she would like. However, she never has any preferences, she allows me to go down on her, but like the rest of our sex life, it is for my benefit, not hers. She gives head, does not want me to come in her mouth (which I respect), will give hand jobs, but honestly, I end up finishing myself because when she does it there is such a lack of eroticism that I get distracted. I do not want to have an affair, have no interest in having sex with other women, but would like to enjoy my sex life better. I would be willing to role play with her, but feel that although she makes herself available for sex, she merely goes through the motions.....is a turn off to me. I have tried to imagine how I would feel if I were her and lacked a libido. I believe that I would do everything possible ot make sex an erotic experience. Am I expecting too much from my wife....to want her to do the same thing for me?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

You did say shes never had a strong libido so my guess is you married her knowing this but hoped it would change. That doesn't usually happen. 

Hopefully others can help shed some light because if her libido isn't high then it just isn't, its probably just who she is. You might could ask her to see if her doctor could recommend something to help increase it. If shes going through perimenopause or even menopause, that could be a contributing factor as well.

Some people on this site don't even get half of what you're getting from your wife. I know you want her to be more into it, and act like she enjoys it and that its not a chore, but it does seem she tries, some people don't even do that.


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## Joey_ (Jul 7, 2012)

We were young and religious when we got married, and did not have premarital sex. It was better when we first got married. Thanks for the reply....I know that I should be happy and content with what we have.....but, it is like an itch or craving that I have a hard time resolving. I want to be wanted.....but, I am also intelligent enough to know that we don't always get what we want and life is often less than perfect in certain areas. Thanks again for your input.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Are you good in bed? I mean _really_ good? Does your wife orgasm all the time, or just some of the time? Is it a lot of work for her to do so?

I ask this, because I'm still trying to figure out women to some degree regarding their "ring on the finger / decreasing sex drive" thing (yes, men are guilty of it too). And I have a theory, but not sure I'm right, as I don't haven't "run the distance" with my W yet. But, I've had a few relationships with women who were in marriages, and were "never greatly interested in sex" with their husbands, and had fallen into the two or three times a year type sex. But they seem to "come around" with really good sex.

My W was this way with her ex. No sex life at all. No interest. She'd only have clitoral orgasms and those she could do herself. He was not a good, nor attentive lover. She'd had vaginal and multiples a couple times and thought they were "accidents" and just took it at that. 

Now, when she met me, I'd just started dating again the year previous. And I'd spent a lot of time learning how to do a lot of great things to a woman. I learned how to give vaginal orgasms, g-spot, ejaculating orgasms. And it worked on her. All of it. I'm able to leave her a quivering, completely exhausted mess, completely sapped of all energy after sex. And from previous experience, I thought this would be a bad thing. Extended 1 hour lovemaking sessions. My ex always complained that I "took too long". So, I feared that by taking so long, sex became unpleasant for a woman. Well, I think that's somewhat true if they're having the "one and done" clitoral orgasm or bad sex. My W said she was that way too. She'd have hers, and then just want it to be over after that. Until she met me. 

I am still shocked when, as the other night, we have an extended, exhausting session, with multiple orgasms, and she will still want more that very same night or the next day. The other night, she'd had by her count, somewhere around 8 to 10 orgasms (she "lost track"). She was exhausted. Two hours later after a rest, she was initiating sex again! 

I'm not tooting my horn here, what I do to her took A LOT of research and time to learn. Both the techniques and paying attention and watching and learning her. In fact, I used to think of myself when I was younger as a "good lover" (heck, what man doesn't want to think that), but I now realize I basically sucked at it. I was attentive, but did not know what I was doing. Never tried to give a woman vaginal orgasms (knew nothing of g-spots or deep spots), do not think I was very good at oral, and never really did "take the lead" in the bedroom and give my woman the kind of sex so many of them really seem to want (really good, "take me" type sex) because I thought it would seem weird or that they'd reject that. Before my last few gf's and W, I'd never smacked a butt, pulled hair, given love bites, talked dirty, blindfolds, pinning them down, etc. But they all LOVED it and couldn't seem to get enough of it. They just didn't want to have to ASK FOR IT...and they weren't going to. They wanted their guy to take the lead and just do it. But, before they were comfortable with that and it progressed to that point, I had to learn how to give them a lot of really great orgasms, and gain their trust and confidence. In fact, if you're going to give a woman the kind of orgasms she's not had before and just "knows" she can't have, you're going to NEED her trust and confidence to do so.


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## DanG (Aug 10, 2011)

I've been working on improving my 20 year marriage and sex life for about a year. It IS improving, but not *anything* as good as the first years - yet. I've learned that 20 years of naive acceptance/neglect is a huge course correction with a big ship. It takes work, dedication and persistence. 2*8* years of a norm is going to be still harder to change. You probably are going to, at best, get back to where you were when you first got married.

RE: "I have tried everything I know to do to get her more interested in sex....."
> Like what?

> Have you done any reading at Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.
(Also check out the "Blog Roll" at that site - Blogroll | Married Man Sex Life

> How often DO you have sex?

> Are there any times/occasions when it has been *slightly* better?

> What do you think would be her reaction if she *thought* that she might be possibly in competition with someone else?

> Do you have your "own" activities, hobbies, interests?

> Have you ever noticed that she notices other males or females - sexually?

> What kind of physical shape are you in?


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## ffp20 (Nov 13, 2011)

> Like what?

> Have you done any reading at Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.
(Also check out the "Blog Roll" at that site - Blogroll | Married Man Sex Life

> How often DO you have sex? *1 or 2 times a week-feels like duty sex*

> Are there any times/occasions when it has been *slightly* better? *once in a while*

> What do you think would be her reaction if she *thought* that she might be possibly in competition with someone else? *she would ignore it for a while cuz she avoids ANY conflict*

> Do you have your "own" activities, hobbies, interests? *yes, physical fitness, motorcycles, fishing, etc
*
> Have you ever noticed that she notices other males or females - sexually?* NO...she seems oblivious to both. never a "look", comment, change of expression*

> What kind of physical shape are you in? very good. *3 to 4 hrs of weight training per week*


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## Joey_ (Jul 7, 2012)

I believe that I am attentive to her. No, I do not consider myself an expert or a superman in bed. I have read a few books on the subject (just downloaded the one you linked to....it looked interesting and I look forward to reading it....thanks for the suggestion). I know where her g-spot is (not sure about deeper spots....but we would likely need sex aids to reach those). I have bought her dildos that were larger than me....thinking that perhaps I did not have the girth/length to completely do it for her. I believe that the sex aids helped/ she seemed more turned on, but refuses their use if I bring the subject up on using them. The same can be said for oral sex....when I go down on her, she is much wetter and more turned on (apparently), but will almost invaribly turn it down if I mention it....if I attempt to go down on her, about 8 times out of ten, she ask me not to and only concedes to it if she believe that I am going to view it as a rejection. I could be a in a lot better shape than I am in....I am over weight and do not exercise enough and eat the wrong things. I get your point. However, to be fair, my wife and I are comparable regarding our weight.....however, she does have a much more difficult time than I when it comes to losing weight and she gains it very easily. I would like for both of us to be healthier....but, I have never complained about her weight and other than wanting her to be happier and healthier, it is not an issue for me.....I have no problem getting turned on by her (she has never complained about me and my weight, but I get your point and it could be an issue for her that she does not mention and I will work on this area of my life). I like to have have sex 3 or more times per week. She is fine with once per month (she has told me that this would be plenty for her).....we probably have intercourse three times per month.....the rest of the time our sex life consist of hand-jobs/mutual masterbation/oral stimulation. She is completely turned off by pornography and I try to respect her feelings in this regard. I will read MMSL Primer. Thanks for the input.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont mention having spoken to her. Maybe you need a counsellor. You really have to find out exactly what she wants. Doing anything else is just a shot in the dark.


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## DanG (Aug 10, 2011)

@ Joey

Please read MMSL and visit The Red Pill Room - The Red Pill Room

It seems that you have gone/are pretty much Beta - nice guy. Been there, did that - without even knowing it. I thought it was a good thing. WRONG! Too much/consistent Beta is POISEN to attraction and good sex.

As you read and educate yourself, it is important to keep in mind that sexual attraction and stimulation (for females) is fundamentally intellectually and emotionally based. The mechanics are *secondary.* And, in the case of needing correction, it is a L-O-N-G term process - one in which your wife is going to have to at least be cooperative, but not necessarily aware. (I would not initially tell her what you are doing. There is discussion about this at MMSL. Read & decide.) The good news is that your W does seem to be willing to be cooperative. She seems submissive.

Yeah, you're gonna have to get in shape. She WILL notice and show her approval.

Try to determine what her mental turn-ons are/have been. Think back through the years.What initially attracted her to you? When, other than during ovulation, what she more "hot?" Work it.

Example: My wife has said many times that upon our initial meeting that she knew that I would be the "one" that she would marry. She would NEVER tell me why when I asked. After reading MMSL and some other sources, I deduced that it was because I was very Alpa at that time. In fact, she also said that her initial impression was that I was an "arrogant and rude jerk."

Unfortunately, as I "matured" I also became more Beta, and the sex began to loose its fire - other than when certain other turn-ons (which I have come to learn the nature of) occurred.

Good luck and stay in touch!


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## Joey_ (Jul 7, 2012)

She does not like to talk about sex. I have suggested counseling and she does not want to go.

Maybe I do things that diminish her attraction for sex....I always strive to be nice....I only argue about issues I actually care about....but, she does not make all of the decisions....I am not a follower.....although I aspire to not be rude to people in general....I always stand up for what I believe to be important. I have never considered myself and I do not believe others see me as a doormat. 

Regarding sex, I believe that she has seen her response as a comprimise.....she really does seek to never say no. The problem is, I am always the one to initiate it and I do believe that sex with me is merely a chore for her.....not the relationship that I want. Yet, this is the way our marriage has always been and in all other areas we have an ideal marriage. Therefore, I actually feel guilty wanting something that could possibly be out of her power to give (the desire or attraction to me). 

Therefore, the above advice is good....as is what I am seeing in MMSL. I need to work on me (the only thing I actually have the power to change) and stop thinking about what I want to change in her. If I become a more attractive person, perhaps she will become more attracted. This seems like a no-brainer that I should have figured out a long time ago! 

Thanks.

Joey


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I am sorry to say the answer is not with you but with her. You say you are or were religious, surely you must have someone then to talk to who can also speak to her. This could also be the problem. I dont think change will help unless you know what kind of change she wants. Although you say the rest of your marriage is 'perfect' I tend to doubt it. There is usually something else. Do you do things together or does she just 'follow' you. Is she enthusiastic about things. You dont mention kids. There must be some kind of friction which causes her to act like this.


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## Joey_ (Jul 7, 2012)

I never said perfect.....I said the other aspects of our marriage are ideal.....and good. Perfection is not a reasonable goal in my opinion. I am not here to just ***** about my life....I am basically a happy person. 

However, this itch, dissatisfaction, or craving for something more, regarding our sex life has been a consistent problem. The last of our children is about to go away to college, so I am concerned about the transition to the empty nest. We have had far fewer arguments and problems regarding sex since we have had children.....I think I will expect more when there are more opportunities and time; I am concerned about this area of life and whether I have the correct perspective concerning it. 

Therefore, I wanted to see other viewpoints. I am going to work on me....and become the most attractive person I can become. I may have been naive and wrong concerning what the ideal husband is.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Atlast!!! HOORAY!!!

I have been trying to get people to understand that there are husbands (I'm one of them) who pull their 'weight', are loving, supportive husbands who are married to women who also pull their weight, are loving and supportive wifes but whgo are simply not interested in sex. Not with their husbands, another man or indeed their own hands.

It does NOT mean they are married to a toad of a husband or are getting laid elsewhere. Simply that they don't like sex, arent really interested in it and do the bare minimum to get 'by'.

Sadly, there seem to be too many people of TAM who think that if the wife isn't having sexc with her husband its HIS fault and she is getting it elsewhere.

So BRAVO for thios post and the responses!

Joey - I know where you are coming from. Everything else in your marriage is good...you are doing as much as you can to better yourself and be the best husband you can be....you are a great couple...except for one thing. Sex.
You love her dearly, you crave more intimacy with her but for some reason she just simply can't or won't give it to you...

You don't want to be unfaithful, you don't want to leave her, but you still have this gaping void..this itch....

You do have some choices to get your 'itch' scratched....Its your call....


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## Joey_ (Jul 7, 2012)

> You do have some choices to get your 'itch' scratched....Its your call....


I would be curious as to which choices you are referring. 

Joey


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> My wife and I have been married for 28 years. She has never had a strong libido....she says she can take it or leave it. She never initiates sex and when I do, I believe that it is a chore for her.


Yeah, doesn't sound too hot... 

Was she always like this or is it getting worse?


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## DanG (Aug 10, 2011)

@ Joey: Did your W's parents sleep in seperate beds or bedrooms? (I think you can see where I'm going.) My W's parents do. It drives me crazy when we stay there. I think it just reinforces what I feel is her erronious/convenient perception of where "mature" marriages end up. Dread the thought.

You might also read the e-book "No More Mr Nice Guy." There are for-pay and free .pdf copies out there on the Internet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Joey_ (Jul 7, 2012)

This has always been an issue. My sex drive has always been higher than hers. I have also been willing to do much more....I do not have any off-limit-areas in regards to what I am willing to do for her.....I will put my tongue anywhere I think it might help stimulate her.....whereas she is very quick to say that something is not acceptable (anything regarding the anus or semen in the mouth - is bad). 

Yes, her parents sleep in separate rooms.

Joey


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

It's rough, since she has always been this way apparently nothing is out of the ordinary with her. The change, it seems, was worked on you. You were ok with it but the issue just dragged along.

Is there nothing that does it for her? Situation wise i mean.


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## Joey_ (Jul 7, 2012)

> It's rough, since she has always been this way apparently nothing is out of the ordinary with her. The change, it seems, was worked on you. You were ok with it but the issue just dragged along.


I guess this is correct. I have never been okay with it, but I have remained in the relationship in spite of it. It has always been an issue....she is well aware that I am dissatisfied with the situation. I doubt the situation will ever change....not sure how I will deal with it when we have the house all to ourselves again and its just the two of us.



> Is there nothing that does it for her? Situation wise i mean.


Nothing that I know about. 

It may simply be what it is. I do plan on making myself into a better man in all respects. This is something that should have happened a long time ago. I will control what I can control and if I am still unhappy, will make a change.

Thanks for all of the replies and thoughts on this subject.

Joey


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Joey,

The options are;

Separation followed by divorce
Have an affair
Have a friend with 'benefits'
Go to a massage parlour
Do it Yourself (masturbate)
Accept the situation along with the 'frustrations' etc


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## Joey_ (Jul 7, 2012)

An affair or a divorce and new relationship might provide the type of intimacy that I crave....eventually. An affair would likely cost the marriage. I do not believe paying someone to have sex with me will provide any relief to the problem....in fact I believe that would be incredibly depressing as well as dangerous as I could be introducing stds into the marriage. Understand....I get sex already...I masturbate already, often with the assistance of my wife. The problem is that the vast majority of the time, I feel that our lovemaking is masturbation.....only for my benefit.....I want my wife to want to have sex with me rather than simply fulfilling her wifely duty. I want my wife to enjoy it, crave it, be open to new things, and show excitement. I am wanting a lot.....and I understand that the chances of improvement are slim.


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## DanG (Aug 10, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Joey_ (Jul 7, 2012)

It is good to get other people's perspective on this. 

In reading the MMS Primer (some of which makes perfect sense.....some of which is merely fluff that is questionable) I recognize a lot of things I am doing wrong. 

I seek her desire....that is not something that can be forced....it is something that has to develop naturally. I am going to work on me. 

My wife is very caring and in many ways, giving. She may possibly have health issues that affect her libido. She does know I have needs....last night she gave me a great handjob.....she brought up having sex, but there is no question that she was doing it for me....she wasn't interested for herself. I love her very much and appreciate everything she does for me and my family....we have great memories and enjoy each other's company. So, don't misunderstand me by thinking that I am describing a sexless miserable marriage. 

I am probably being very selfish for wanting more than what she might be able to currently give. 

Joey


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## DanG (Aug 10, 2011)

I disagree with both 7737 and the idea that chances of improvement are "slim." Granted, chances ARE slim if Joey does nothing to change the status quo. Making those changes WILL be challenging because apparently neither him nor his wife have ever known anything much different than the sexual interactions, dynamics, and "relationship," that they have lived/experienced, AND that Joey has ENABLED what is for the past 28 years. In fact, "scripturally," Joey's W probably has been behaving more "by the Book" than he has. I'm going to be blunt and judgemental: Joey has been negligent in not holding up his end of the vows and doing what he should have as the man in the marriage and sexual leader of his wife. Dynamically, he has been TAKING while not holding up his end of the bargain to supply the masculine leadership and stimulus (MENTAL, especially) that WOULD have probably resulted in more than the compliance sex that his dutiful wife has been providing. Literally, Joey made his own bed.

The good news is that the nest will be empty AND that Joey's wife is at least going through the motions. If Joey can find the on-buttons in her head and learn/do what he - HE - needs to do to push them - "Game" her, it could be the best time of both of their lives. They say that "life begins after the kids go to college and the dog dies." Go for it, Joey! Read, learn, DO!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Joey_ (Jul 7, 2012)

I accept and appreciate DanG's thoughts here....and his candid bluntness.....that is the whole purpose of participating on a forum like this.

I agree that I have probably not done everything I could to be attractive.....her lack of desire might be my fault.....but, I did not change from alpha to beta.....I am who I have always been. I plan on becoming a better man and developing more alpha aspects into my demeanor.....we will see how that goes. I am also going to get in shape. 

We are no longer religious.....and I disagree with the thought that demanding or insisting On the changes I desire would have improved things.

Joey


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## DanG (Aug 10, 2011)

"Demanding and insisting" in relationships is LEAST effective when verbalized. The emphasis must be on Action and doing (not saying) those things that CAUSE the thing you want to occur to happen. You have to "be the change that you want to see." Ex: W has been doing duty/clinical/drip/etc sex for 28 years. Her motivation is probably not much more than appeasing her own conscience AND/OR maintanance of the marriage for the sake of appearances/family. She "loves you" for the welfare of the marriage. (Actually, that is doing a lot!) You would like some "enthusiasm" and genuine interest. You have accepted that you need to become more physically attractive. You ALSO have to work on getting into her head and shaking up the comfort and stability of the relationship - that SHE has established and is/has been controlling within HER comfort zone. Simply, she "knows you" too well. She even knew that you would settle for the HJ last night. What if: It's a year from now, you're looking better, have some muscle definition, have some confidence and "edge" to your personality, you "smell good," and your wives friends are AT LEAST wondering "what's up," if not showing interest. I'm betting that your choices are probably going to magically be LIMITED to missionary, her on top (probably looking better and genuinely acting more interactive) or d*ggie. And, she is going to WANT to do it without even knowing why!

Edited to add: Also note from MMSL, you don't have leverage unless/until your sex rank is higher than hers. If otherwise, expecting change will blow up in your face.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

IMO, men or women who either don't have sex with their spouse or who do but its a chore, I wonder if its just they are no long in love with their spouse? You can love someone but not be in love with them. I know when I'm in love thats when sex is not a chore for me and I want to be with him sexually, and I'm all in! However, IME, for me personally, I know I don't want to have sex with, or there have been times when I feel its a chore if that person has hurt me in some way, (resentments/anger) is harboring towards them etc. So I'm sure it goes deeper than her lack of excitement for sex with you. Her feeling like sex is chore, is just the tip of the iceberg, something else is going on.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Read this book together

Passionate Marriage

It's not an easy read, but the ideas make a lot of sense.


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## Joey_ (Jul 7, 2012)

> You can love someone but not be in love with them.


That's true....and there are a lot of different types of love.....not all are the romantic type that we aspire to within our marriages. 



> Read this book together


Hope1964, thanks for the suggestion. I am in the process of reading a couple of books regarding myself and evaluating the dynamics of our marriage, my role within it, and how I am viewed by my wife. But, at some point, we will look at it.

DanG, I always smell good!! I am slightly overweight.....my hygiene has always remained excellent. 

Once again, I appreciate all of the input. It is very valuable to have a place where you can lay issues out on the table that are not spoken about with people you know, and receive critical feedback. 

Joey


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Joey can be the best husband in the world...can even 'man up' a bit etc. But at the end of the day, if he is married to someone who is simply not very interested in or wired for sex then no amount of manning up, toning down, counselling will make much difference, if any atall.

We all have our 'default'....Joey's wife might try really hard to make the effort but it will be going against who she really is.

You try showing some real interest in something you actually have no interest in atall...you'll make the effort but sooner or later you'll slip back into your comfort zone. 

I know this is of no help to Joey whatsoever and I'm sorry...but the stark fact is that there are women 'out there' who no matter what you do are simply not interested in sex. Its life.

The options are, either accepting your wife will never be 'sexual' and press your buttons or....see above!


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## Joey_ (Jul 7, 2012)

I think all of us want our significant others to desire us, to crave sex with us, to appreciate what we do for them, and to enjoy giving us pleasure. 

This issue has been a long standing itch for me. I want to be able to rock her world in the bedroom....and I want her to love sex....I do and would like her to also be able to share in this.

All I can do in this regard is what I have the power to do and that is to communicate well with her and to make sure I am doing all that I can to be attractive to her. 

I may have made some mistakes.....but we all are who we are and trying to be something different is either role playing or a lie.....unless we genuinely change, which is often difficult or impossible. My wife is who she is....and I love her and appreciate the gifts she continually gives me.

I have tried to imagine life from her perspective......she has to love me a lot to continually and consistently do what she does for me. 

I plan to work on me and strive to always be the best I can be.....and that includes being more appreciative of what she does for me and what it takes for her to do it. 

Joey


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

_"I may have made some mistakes.....but we all are who we are and trying to be something different is either role playing or a lie.....unless we genuinely change, which is often difficult or impossible. My wife is who she is....and I love her and appreciate the gifts she continually gives me."_

Perhaps the best way to wrap your head around it is to come to grips with your natural, real true self being lots of very good things, but sexually attractive to your wife may not one of them. If the sex is important to you, some changes will be required.

My natural state for the first 26 years of my marriage was that of a nice guy. That equals sex one per month. By using MMSL MAP and lots of Game I have created significant attraction with my wife and we have grown much closer. My goal is 4X/week including at least one double header. I could push further, especially if I could give up my job and play games full time. My point is, there is more possible than you can imagine if you can become irresistibly attractive to her.

Your wife likely has no idea this attraction is possible. My wife called herself "frigid" and was pretty hard on herself. She knows things have changed but I'm sure does not realize the breadth of the program I have been "running" and it is all aimed at becoming sexually attractive to her. She has been following my lead, seen the results and has been committed to our "awakening". What you have going for you is your wife is already trying out of some obligation to the relationship which is a nice start. I had to convince my wife an intimate relationship was better than a platonic one.

What I struggled with and you might as well is "can't she just love me for me, in my natural state"? Sure. My wife has professed her love and I know she is being truthful. The kind of love she professes was the only kind of love she knew before we took the next step. If platonic love was a fulfilling expression of our love for both of us we would not need to take the next step. It was not fulfilling me so its my change to make. Since I chose it, how can I resent having to implement changes?

Also, after a month or so of repetition, any new habit does become more natural. Evolving and growing is a laudable goal. Failing to evolve is a luxury not everyone can afford.

One final thought--Sometimes we have to be willing to risk it all to get what we want. That is passionate, confident and very attractive. Do it in the right order though, never an ultimatum or threat...just a quiet sense of assurance with no fear of what the future holds.


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## DanG (Aug 10, 2011)

No offense intended with my comment about "smells good." It was only in reference to all the comments made about smell at:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...s-desire-attraction-man-you-4.html#post894978

Reminds me of that movie "Michael" with John Trivolta.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Hi Joey

Thought I would give you a LD wife perspective on this.
Firstly, some comments about some things you would like:
Swallowing with a blow job - not a palatable taste for all, imagine your wife asking you all of the time to eat food you don't like, saying it would make her happy.
Anal sex - can be uncomfortable for some.

You mention your wife has a weight issue, this can make some women feel so bad about themselves they can't imagine that anyone would want to have sex with them. You can try reassuring her that you find her attractive. What about suggesting (& sticking to) exercising together?
Health issues - has she a diagnosed issue? Menopause? Maybe suggest she goes to the doctor for a check up & blood tests? Hormones can go screwy for women in the years leading up to menopause (peri-menopause).

Do you both work? Do you help with housework? There seems to be a recent theory that if men help around the house they get more sex. Not tested here.

Do you spend time together doing things you both like to? Not just watching the TV together for an hour or so a night, but really engaging with each other? I read in another post on TAM that couples need to engage for a minimum of 15 hours a week. I am sure a lot of us don't do that.


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## Joey_ (Jul 7, 2012)

> Firstly, some comments about some things you would like:
> Swallowing with a blow job - not a palatable taste for all, imagine your wife asking you all of the time to eat food you don't like, saying it would make her happy.
> Anal sex - can be uncomfortable for some.


@Bellavista: This is not accurate....I have only expressed a desire for a more erotic relationship; one where she has more desire for sex. I want our sex life to be hotter; but most importantly, I want her to enjoy it more; I want to get more pleasure from _PLEASURING HER_.

For me, that has always meant respecting what she finds distasteful or things she does not like. There has been criticism leveled that this level of respect means that I have allowed this situation to develop. I have never viewed it this way and not sure that I buy into that viewpoint. I try to accept my wife for who she is....but, that does not mean that I stop being who I am in the process. An itch still needs to be scratched, even if it is in an ackward place.

I appreciate the other suggestions you make. We have both started exercising. She has always struggled with weight....she is always on a diet and my heart goes out to her in this regard. I understand how this can be an issue for her.

Thanks!

Joey


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## feggi (Dec 26, 2012)

I share the same problems and more. My wife dosent even like semen or precum going anywhereelse, than where it originates from. We had intercourse, if I remember right, about 4 times in the last eight years. i say 8 years, ie after the birth of our son. I suppose the main problem though, is that she has a phobia of any thing going in between her legs. Even the gynac has had hell of a problem checking her.
For the first few years we did not have it at all. It was for the fear of having a pregnancy again. in the latter years she tried a few ways like Copper T inserts, and pills. But not suited her and the fear continued to be a barrier. The lack of support from her does not allow me time and spirit to use a condom. 
In the last few years, I have been masturbating openly and slowly she has been helping me too. But that too is mostly for the sake of doing.
The surprising part is that she herself wants to be carressed and brought to an orgasm once a month or so. However intercourse is a strict No - No.
Additionally in my case "*clinical*" is literally "*clinical*". So even when she is helping me, a bit of liquid on her hands or bedsheets irritates her and is an obvious turnoff for me.
Your blog has helped me assure myself, that I am not the only one. I will also try some of the tips provided by others, like ebooks.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Joey_ said:


> The problem is that the vast majority of the time, I feel that our lovemaking is masturbation.....only for my benefit.....I want my wife to want to have sex with me rather than simply fulfilling her wifely duty. I want my wife to enjoy it, crave it, be open to new things, and show excitement. I am wanting a lot.....and I understand that the chances of improvement are slim.


I totally get you with the satisfaction being more than just orgasming. I also am a Christian and take seriously the Biblical imperative to provide for your spouse's sexual satisfaction.

Have you tried putting this into a religious context when discussing it with your wife? By that, I mean explicitly connecting the dots:

* Her duty is to provide for your sexual satisfaction - period. That duty is not subordinate to any duty you have to her. There is no lower standard if sex does not float her boat.
* An essential part of your satisfaction is having a wife who sees sex as important. That means she is present in the moment and strives to maintain a high level of performance, just like anything else which is important to her.
* She is not the arbiter of what your true need is, and she should not be trying to do just the minimum in any event.

It's a long shot, but OTOH it does seem to work sometime and it does not take much effort to approach the situation from that angle.

HTH.


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## imthatguy (Dec 10, 2012)

If he does that, he'll probably end up in a marriage like mine. I get all the sex I want literally, but it's all for me. My wife doesn't even try for her own orgasm. That gets old....



DTO said:


> I totally get you with the satisfaction being more than just orgasming. I also am a Christian and take seriously the Biblical imperative to provide for your spouse's sexual satisfaction.
> 
> Have you tried putting this into a religious context when discussing it with your wife? By that, I mean explicitly connecting the dots:
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

7737 said:


> Atlast!!! HOORAY!!!
> 
> Sadly, there seem to be too many people of TAM who think that if the wife isn't having sexc with her husband its HIS fault and she is getting it elsewhere.
> 
> ...


You are projecting your anger, fustration and lack of progress in your marriage onto this situation. What do you want him to do? Is his wife's value so deminished that she should be thrown away, or cheated on because she does not provide enough sexual excitement. 

You need to work on your priorities. You think it would be easy for him to find a woman to scratch his itch and be even a fraction of the the woman his wife is? 

Joey. I think mild pain (itch) can be the most difficult to deal with. Some people will say that you should be happy since it is not severe. I think that you are a wonderful man to want more. Your efforts are not selfish but an attempt to head off what may become problems in the years that should be happy and carefree. 

I think you have gotten excellent advice. I just have a few from the stand point of a former sexually repressed woman. I think that your wife's inability talk about sex is not likely to change. One thing you can do is to use non verbal communication in the bedroom and not otherwise talk about sex. 

I would say do and not talk about it. Start with small steps and let any progress solidify before trying to move to the next step. 

I also don't think you are likely to get her to initiate anytime soon. I have problems initiating. I just can't do it. Somehow initiating has gotten tangled with being being a bad woman. Any change is up to me. I think it may be the same for your wife. Early in my marriage being too enthusiastic made me feel bad. I got over that. 

I think the best course of action is to read and apply what resonates with you and your wife. It would also help to read about the nature of woman and female sexuality. 

You sound like a mature and confident man so I don't think you will assume that reading about woman is blaming you. You are here and not your wife so you get suggestions. The books in my signature may help. 

She is a product of her background. You married her because she had the ability to surpress her natural sexuality. Now you want to unlock it. So i think you should keep the cultural backdrop in mind with your approach. Let her know you repect her and prize her sexuality. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

DTO said:


> I totally get you with the satisfaction being more than just orgasming. I also am a Christian and take seriously the Biblical imperative to provide for your spouse's sexual satisfaction.
> 
> Have you tried putting this into a religious context when discussing it with your wife? By that, I mean explicitly connecting the dots:
> 
> ...


If she tells him to go [email protected] himself then what advice do you have? The usual suspects right? Cheat or leave? Bravo problem solved that was easy. 

What you are advocating here is what you would say to a woman who is beaten down, has no alternative but to put up with sh!t from her husband. 

Compliance will be temporary or spiritless. If your aim is to have a sexbot then you may be happy. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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