# Second chance on my marriage, but is it worth it?



## charmbee (Dec 3, 2012)

Hi all,

So my husband and I have been married for 3 years and been together for 7 almost 8 years. We separated last year for about a year. In between he was dating and particularly seeing and sleeping with his boss. Also vice versa was seeing people while we were separated. The cause of our separation was due to lack of communication which led to constant arguements and we weren't have sex anymore. I didn't feel any sense of connection and even doubted my love, maybe I have fallen out of love. So I had to do what was best and at the time I felt that separation was the best thing for us. For a while I tried to find myself and really see what I wanted, I owed it to myself. 

In the midst of finding myself my husband felt that no matter his countless tries to get back with me, he felt that I just wouldn't budge. At the same time I felt scared to go back, he got closer to his boss and he was not only sexually involved but also emotionally involved. I know my absense physically and emotionally probably drove him to this. Personally I never got close to anyone, I felt hesitant and I barely dated. In late September I wanted to give my marriage a second chance but while we patching things up, his boss is still sending him emails.I also found out they were sending emails earlier during the year, had sex in their work place and was often at her place. This is very hard for me to swallow, a part of me wished I never knew this information but I do.


The problem: I have been having a very hard time accepting his relationship with his boss, what bothers me most is that she got emotionally attached to my husband more than he did. She has sent him emails how much she dislike him and wished to disappear from him and even called him an ahole. He drafted an email to her in his work email with his side of the story. He claims she's sending a lot of subliminal messages towards him and giving him a hard time at his work place. All of this happening while we are patching things up. I felt the old feelings of distrust come back and now I can't work past it. I feel as if I am self destructing and destroying my relationship due to my actions. It is mind f*cking (excuse my french) to know that he still sees her every day. I had told him several times he needed to find a job. He also told me that he told her about me finding out about them. He told her that they need to refrain from any contact and she told him she would try to find another job. I can't seem to just forget about it, it's draining me mentally and physically, I rarely smile or go out anymore. I feel like this situation has gotten the best of me. I know it happened before we got back together but the fact that they ended whatever relationship they had not too long ago, I feel like I can't work on this relationship until i know she is no longer in the picture or either one of them move out of the work place. My main concern now is how can I learn to deal with this situation. I feel like this situation has gotten so big, bigger than me. I could no longer cope, I'm always moody and never know what will set me off next. I do want my marriage to work but until I can find some way to move pass this , I don't think it will work.

PLEASE HELP!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I can imagine how stressful that must be! 

I think it's important to honor your feelings, but only to the extent that your fears are valid. For instance, if his behavior shows that he's making reasons to spend time with her, you have a valid fear. On the other hand, if he doesn't show any signs of interest or personal interactions now that it's over, you're better off just staying alert. 

She said she'll look for another job. What is a reasonable amount of time for a person to find work in your area? Is there a reason he cannot do the same?

Based on what you wrote, it sounds like he does want to be with you and has more commitment than you do. Is there a possibility that you're using this to avoid commitment yourself or to punish him?


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## charmbee (Dec 3, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I can imagine how stressful that must be!
> 
> I think it's important to honor your feelings, but only to the extent that your fears are valid. For instance, if his behavior shows that he's making reasons to spend time with her, you have a valid fear. On the other hand, if he doesn't show any signs of interest or personal interactions now that it's over, you're better off just staying alert.
> 
> ...


It is very stressful, I have not developed any coping mechanism towards this kind of situation. I've been trying different ways of dealing with it but nothing seem to work. 

You are right my fears aren't valid, I won't ever know because you never know what goes on in their workplace. I can't be there 24/7 and babysit him. I only have to take his word for it. 6 months is the max time someone in his field can find a job. She told him she might be leaving during sometime of early next year. He claims he's not quitting his job, being real stubborn about leaving. 

I don't think this is about commitment issues, I'm willing to try this whole marriage thing over again. I think it's more of a trust issue. Im scared to let my guards down. For how long am I to stay alert? I just want to smile and be myself again


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I dont see either of you being able to really move past this until he is no longer working with this woman. He needs to suck it up and seek other employment, for the sake of the marriage. I completely understand your concerns, and I think they are valid. He is either all in or all out. Because, even if he is truly done with this woman, it is a constant trigger and stab in the heart for you. I have been in a similar situation and totally relate to you here:

" I can't seem to just forget about it, it's draining me mentally and physically, I rarely smile or go out anymore. I feel like this situation has gotten the best of me. I know it happened before we got back together but the fact that they ended whatever relationship they had not too long ago, I feel like I can't work on this relationship until i know she is no longer in the picture or either one of them move out of the work place. My main concern now is how can I learn to deal with this situation. I feel like this situation has gotten so big, bigger than me. I could no longer cope, I'm always moody and never know what will set me off next. I do want my marriage to work but until I can find some way to move pass this , I don't think it will work."


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## charmbee (Dec 3, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> I dont see either of you being able to really move past this until he is no longer working with this woman. He needs to suck it up and seek other employment, for the sake of the marriage. I completely understand your concerns, and I think they are valid. He is either all in or all out. Because, even if he is truly done with this woman, it is a constant trigger and stab in the heart for you. I have been in a similar situation and totally relate to you here:
> 
> " I can't seem to just forget about it, it's draining me mentally and physically, I rarely smile or go out anymore. I feel like this situation has gotten the best of me. I know it happened before we got back together but the fact that they ended whatever relationship they had not too long ago, I feel like I can't work on this relationship until i know she is no longer in the picture or either one of them move out of the work place. My main concern now is how can I learn to deal with this situation. I feel like this situation has gotten so big, bigger than me. I could no longer cope, I'm always moody and never know what will set me off next. I do want my marriage to work but until I can find some way to move pass this , I don't think it will work."


I'm constantly reminded everyday he is at work. I'm not sure how I can make this a better situation for myself, never mind him. The only way I know how to do that is to leave for good. But at what cost? I feel if I did that, I would just be giving up and letting her get the best of me. How did you deal with it?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I was not able to deal with it, I was doing the same thing as you. He refused to get her out of his life, or even set reasonable boundaries with her. I would have left him if we hadnt been married less than a YEAR (!) and that I was determined to not end yet another marriage. He ended up divorcing ME, because I was so "insecure" and "didnt trust him". Yeah, he is with her now! He has finally admitted that he caused my insecurity and didnt place me first as his priority. Not that it does me any good now. 

Your marriage should be his FIRST priority, and since it was his actions that are bringing these feelings out in you, he should do whatever it takes to make you comfortable and secure, and show he is serious about the reconciliation. He can find another job, he cannot find another YOU.


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## charmbee (Dec 3, 2012)

3xnocharm so sorry to hear the bad ending of your marriage. Was he still insisting on keeping in touch with her during this time? I think deep down inside he knew what he wanted which was her, but at the same time there was you. It's sad but it's the reality we have to face. I have given him two ultimatums and he still refuses to leave. Im afraid by the time he realize he needs to leave that job, I would be on my way out.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

charmbee said:


> You are right my fears aren't valid, I won't ever know because you never know what goes on in their workplace.
> 
> I don't think this is about commitment issues, I'm willing to try this whole marriage thing over again. I think it's more of a trust issue. Im scared to let my guards down. For how long am I to stay alert? I just want to smile and be myself again


I had a few thoughts as I read these words... 

1. It's true that you can't know every detail about what goes on at work, but it's equally true that where there's fire, there's smoke. If you do not see signs that he is devoting time to her or neglecting you, then you have no reason to assume wrongdoing. He dated her when you were apart, and has since broken off that pursuit clearly. He did this on his work e-mail, which could potentially get them both into trouble on the job if it's not honored or if you want to make a scene (which I don't recommend.) He continuously wanted to be back with you, and you've said that you are the one who refused, but when you came back, he dropped her. I don't see any reason to believe otherwise. 

On the other hand, if he's staying late at the office and you discover she is, too, or you find them exchanging texts or e-mails or calling each other, that's when I'd give the guy his walking papers.

2. The way you say "this marriage thing" reveals your own ambivalence toward being committed. You can't be committed to something you aren't sure you believe in! 

3. I imagine trust issues *are* the basis for how you are feeling, and unfortunately, these aren't the kinds of things that just magically get fixed. The bottom line is that in order to trust again, you have to let yourself be vulnerable AND you have to discover that there's no valid reason to fear. You're going through that now, and while it's uncomfortable, it *is* necessary. Here are the possible outcomes I see: 

- You could walk purely because of the discomfort.
- You could discover that your fears are valid and find yourself betrayed in some way, which would certainly be painful but which will not destroy you if you don't want it to.
- You could find that your husband is willing to be committed and loyal and that your fears are unfounded, which would open the doorway to the intimacy and love you're hoping for.


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