# An ex friend wants me back in her life



## katiekr (Nov 24, 2016)

I have an ex best friend that wants me back in her life,her name is Renee.She back stabbed me during my sophomore year of high school which did hurt me.Back Stabbed me by spreading rumors I was sleeping around and thought I was doing it with a boyfriend of hers which never happened.I told Renee it had to stop and had enough of it.I was pregnant with my oldest son at the time too and said my husband is not the father.A DNA test showed my husband being the dad.Then I dropped the bombshell on her,said the friendship is over since she did too much damage back stabbing me.I still don't trust her to this day.Renee said she is very sorry for what she did back then and really means it.This was on Monday and told her I still don't trust her for this.What should I do?I don't want to hurt her saying no.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nope.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

It's fine to forgive her, but to actually let her back in your life is a whole other matter....be very cautious.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

It's been twenty years. Try her out as a friend. She is not the same person.


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## katiekr (Nov 24, 2016)

We talked today and did feel terrible for what she did to me.Going to work things out seeing pro help next month.Did not get into an argument at all too.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nope.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Forgiving doesn't mean taking her back as a friend. What were her exact words?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

"Hello, drama. Welcome to my life. Make yourself comfortable."

I'm not saying you shouldn't forgive her, or that after 20 years she hasn't grown, but one thing I've learned is that some people CREATE drama where there is none, and some people live in peace. If you want to give her a chance, just be aware that very likely you are opening the door to all kinds of drama in your life. Maybe you're okay with a bunch of drama...I personally do not enjoy disrupting the peace in my life and do not choose to surround myself with drama, even when someone asks for forgiveness.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Jeez people. It's Christmas. And Hanukkah. She is not marrying the friend. She can just try it and continue if she wants. Or stop if she wants. It's that simple.


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## Ernst (Jan 12, 2011)

It would be a mistake to take her back as a friend. She has the potential of harming you again. 

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## Ernst (Jan 12, 2011)

Furthermore: 
If you could do without her for 20 years, you can do for another 20.

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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

They never change. Stay away. 


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

A real friend doesn't backstab. Best to just leave her where she is which is part of your past.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

@Ernst

This might be considered a T/J but I have to ask, you are on TAM almost 7 years and have only 6 posts?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

rockon said:


> @Ernst
> 
> 
> 
> This might be considered a T/J but I have to ask, you are on TAM almost 7 years and have only 6 posts?




Maybe he has a life.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@katiekr as a dad of many I've had to counsel my kids on relationships and what you point to is one of the big difficulties in relationships among kids

Though I often said to dump the friends, my kids have surprised me and worked things out on their own. I've actually learned a lot as a result and have changed my tune a bit.

Now I listen and probe and find out what they want. They usually can see if the person has changed or not. Often a kid will be going through a divorce or other big event and be acting out. So their behavior is often a reaction to their parents situation, being isolated, neglected, etc.

Anyway, I encourage you to think about it and reflect on the situation. Was the friend acting out? Were you? Have things changed? Has this friend shown a change of character over the past 20 years?

If you decide to try the friendship be open and honest - say you're not sure you trust her but are willing to see what happens. Don't commit to anything. And continue to evaluate her character.

Sometimes people with checkered pasts are more interesting and value good relationships more. Sometimes they're still shvtty people. It's up to you to decide


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## katiekr (Nov 24, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> @katiekr as a dad of many I've had to counsel my kids on relationships and what you point to is one of the big difficulties in relationships among kids
> 
> Though I often said to dump the friends, my kids have surprised me and worked things out on their own. I've actually learned a lot as a result and have changed my tune a bit.
> 
> ...


Said she has changed and regrets what she has done.Things have changed for her and said she should of never did what she did to me.This is going to take time one step at a time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> It's been twenty years. Try her out as a friend. She is not the same person.


Yes. Yes she is the same person. 

So do not do it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

katiekr said:


> *Said she has changed and regrets what she has done.* Things have changed for her and said she should of never did what she did to me.This is going to take time one step at a time.


*Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, and not so much in the person who says that they've drastically changed!

As the old saying goes: Fool me once ~ shame on you; fool me twice ~ shame on me!

You've been severely burned once before ~ if you're genuinely intent on extending the olive branch, just be wary of your actions toward her!

And more importantly, her actions toward you! To be able to ultimately forgive is noble, but remembering about what they once did to you is far nobler!*


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Yes. Yes she is the same person.
> 
> 
> 
> So do not do it.




Well, i am one to hold grudges. And i seem to be the more forgiving person here. That is surprising. Maybe it's because of my transgressions. 

I see nothing wrong with trying. OP can stop the friendship instantly at any time. 

OP can have a one strike policy with this person. One strike and she is out.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

After 20 years, what is her motivation for wanting to be friends? Other than absolution.


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