# Too many "girls weekends"?



## RachelLaura (Dec 15, 2009)

This seems to be a recurring issue between my husband and I and I would love some feedback. He thinks I go away with my girl friends too much. A couple of my best friends from out of town asked me to go to the beach in August, and I sooo badly want to go, and have no plans, but am hesitant because of my husband. I'll give some background.

I was single and very independent until 25, when I met my husband. I really cultivated my friendships while single. So I have a lot of great, close friends. I also have lived in a few different cities, so my friends are scattered.... most of my close friends dont live in my current city. My husband on the other hand, always had girlfriends before me, and was always more dependent on his s/o. He has a couple of close guy friends around here, but had always invested more of him time in relationships than friendships.

My girl friends invite me away on weekends and I love these weekends! In the beginning of our relationship, I thought it was no issue. My husband (then bf) and I have no kids, we're young, and furthermore, most of MY close friends arent in the area, so it was a chance for me to see them. I dont have girls' nights very often (since most of my close friends arent in the area), so I jump at the chance to see my close friends for a weekend away. I would say I go on girls weekends about 3-4 times a year. Every little trip is a drive, and not a plane ride away. My husband and I also have a joint account as well as our own bank accounts, so I always put my own money towards this.

My husbands jealousy slowly started to emerge. He didnt admit to the jealousy at first- he started complaining that I didnt want to see him enough, it wasnt fair that I wasnt taking care of the dog, etc etc. He finally admitted he was jealous and wished he could be having as much fun as me. Me being an independent person before meeting my husband really had a hard time grasping this. Couldnt he just relax at home and see a friend, a family member, or just sit in with a beer? What was the big deal? We honestly have ZERO trust issues. Other issues, but not trust! If situations were reversed, I would want him to go and have fun. I really believe we shouldnt be attached at the hip all of the time- absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

Well, last summer, I had 3 of my friends bachelorette parties and mine all within a 2 months span of eachother and my husband just ended up losing it. If you have read some of my other posts, my husband has anxiety and a temper. When it came time for my party, the last one of the summer, he gave me a huge problem about being away for my bachelorette and how it wasnt fair that I was away every weekend. He pretty much threw a tantrum. I was so mad because I had cleared these parties with him months in advance. I made arrangements for the dog so he wasnt burdened. It gave him enough time to make plans of his own, but unfortunately, no one was really around for him. I also felt like bachelorette parties for close friends are once-in-a-lifetime kind of things.... why would I sit home with my husband just because he was jealous? And honestly, all of the bachelorette parties were innocent- no strippers- just girls weekends at the beach, going out for drinks. I told him everything that went on- so once again, its not a trust issue, just jealosy.

But maybe Im partially wrong? Am I being too selfish? I really feel like 3-4weekends a year isnt a big deal, especially when I am with him all of the time otherwise, and dont go out on girls nights often. This is a time for me to see wonderful friends and try to keep our friendships strong. After my husband and I have kids, I probably wont have these opportunities as often. My husband and I do a lot of fun things together- weekend trips, many nights out together, etc. Im not saving all of the fun for when I go away without him. Just wondering what a 3rd party may say about this......... and still debating if I should go to the beach in August or stay home so as not to cause a problem............


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

As a male - married 20 years - happily married I will share some thoughts. One of the many reasons we have a great marriage is that neither of us tries to control the other. 

So whenever W wants to do a girls weekend I smile, and tell her to have a great time. And I mean it. I am happy for her to do that. She typically does this once a year because of the kids. But I would be fine watching them if she wanted to do it 3-4 times a year. We spend most of our time together, so some small breaks like that are no big deal. 

Early in my career I travelled a lot. I had a 2 year project during which I only came home on weekends. Yes - every weekend - but still I was only home for 48 hours a week. 

She has a similar view of me having guys weekends. 

Clingy/needy partners eventually kill passion.....







RachelLaura said:


> This seems to be a recurring issue between my husband and I and I would love some feedback. He thinks I go away with my girl friends too much. A couple of my best friends from out of town asked me to go to the beach in August, and I sooo badly want to go, and have no plans, but am hesitant because of my husband. I'll give some background.
> 
> I was single and very independent until 25, when I met my husband. I really cultivated my friendships while single. So I have a lot of great, close friends. I also have lived in a few different cities, so my friends are scattered.... most of my close friends dont live in my current city. My husband on the other hand, always had girlfriends before me, and was always more dependent on his s/o. He has a couple of close guy friends around here, but had always invested more of him time in relationships than friendships.
> 
> ...


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## MyDog8em (Apr 5, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> As a male - happily married I will share some thoughts. One of the many reasons we have a great marriage is that neither of us tries to control the other.


Also as a male, happily married 9 yrs. w/2 kids, I can say that Mem is exactly right. Neither the W nor I have a problem with us having girl/guy nights out. I have this opportunity maybe 1-2x a year and her maybe 1-3x a year. Usually around Halloween her and her girlfriends will hit some haunted houses or something while once or maybe twice, I might go to a buds house/sports bar to watch a game (go buckeyes!). We have complete trust for one another and don't try to control each other in no way, but should we have a problem with a particular night for whatever reason, we will simply ask to reschedule it.



MEM11363 said:


> Clingy/needy partners eventually kill passion.....


 :iagree: completely.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

3-4 is it bit much for me just because I wouldn't spend 3-4 weekends away from my wife. I would say plan them and make them an annual thing:

1. I have a friend where both he and his wife take 1 seperate vacation a year. They also take one as a family and one as a couple. When you have something that becomes sort of a tradition in the relationship it becomes less of an issue.

2. Get more friends in your area so that you can get more girls night outs so your husband doesn't feel like he's without you for 3-4 days and he may get past the feeling that you are longing for your past.

3. Have more girls weekends in your town instead of going away. 

4. Realize that your friends are your friends but your husband is your husband. Compromise and don't let something this trivial get between you.


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## MyDog8em (Apr 5, 2010)

Kobo said:


> 3-4 is it bit much for me just because I wouldn't spend 3-4 weekends away from my wife.


Ahh, did the OP mean entire weekends? As in from Fri. nite to Sun. sometime? Yes, that may be a bit much. I know my wife would have an issue with me spending an 'entire' weekend away unless it was with family and I might be able to get away with that once a year, and I wouldn't mind once a year on her part. Not that we are controlling mind you, but we do have young children (5 & 8) at home and we both realize they come 1st. I feel the same in a sense only because of our children. Now if we had no kids, or when they get older it would be a different story. Right now, our weekends out consist of 1 late night usually getting home no later than 3am. Neither one of us would enjoy answering our little ones' questions "Wheres mommy/daddy?" for an entire weekend.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Boundaries...trust...control...dog sitting...Blah...blah...blah...

Do you really know why your husband has a problem with these weekends? Because if my wife is one of 4 hot, young (to me, anyhow) girls laying a beach in various stages of undress, slick with oil, I picture a big target that can be seen from space. And at night, at dinner and drinks/dancing afterwards, and my wife is one of 4 hot, young (to me, anyhow) girls shimmying on a dancefloor in various stages of undress, I picture a big sign over them saying "What are you waiting for, boys"?. And at the hotel buffet the next morning, I picture 4 young girls at a table talking about their wild day/evening yesterday while all of those boys that hit that target and answered that sign come by to talk about how great it was hanging out with them yesterday/last night.

Let me guess: the guys stop bye to chat you girls up all the time (and I don't care that you are all wearing your wedding ring. Neither do they). All day on the beach. All evening at dinner. All night at the bars. And you DON'T always brush them off with a polite "we're married, but thanks anyhow". They're nice. You're nice. It's just innocent flirting, so...

THAT'S why he has a problem. You can get as many dog sitters as you want, get him as many playdates as you can, he's still going to hate it. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, I just want to make sure you know why he hates it.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel. Hmmmm.....You're lucky I'm taking such an active interest in your marriage. I found this little tidbit in your thread "newlywed and unhappy..."

"I am scared I am falling out of love with him".

A 28 year old newlywed, on a forum like this, with 3 or 4 threads talking about what you DON'T like about your husband, heading out for a girls weekend on the town.

Change a few words, events, and maybe the intensity of the temper a little, and you are my wife talking about our early marriage prior to having three kids. Now here I am. 20 years later, on a website like this, 3 kids, at the late stages of a loveless, sexless marriage that my wife has been too lazy to leave, otherwise she would have. Go ahead and look at some of the threads I started. When I wrote them I didn't know how bad my marriage was or what the problems were (I "scared her" sometimes. Sometimes she just "wanted to get in the car and keep driving"). You and my wife should get together.

Skip this weekend and work on your marriage. You've got some problems there girlfriend.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, your DH IS too clingy, and needs to get a life; my DH is just like him - wants NO friends, only me and our daughter. It is very stifling. So if I were you, I would actively seek out ways to help him get involved in things - volunteer with him, join clubs with him, help him make friends, invite people over so he gets in the habit of having friends drop by.

BUT...

You are NOT in a healthy stage in your marriage to be continuing to leave 3 to 4 times a year. If you had a healthy marriage, maybe that's not too many times. Maybe. But in your marriage, you are disrespecting your husband and fanning the flames by insisting on this. Why can your friends not come to YOUR town? Why do YOU have to leave? Or is it just that you WANT to leave him 4 times a year and 'be yourself' or whatever it is you feel when you leave?

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out two copies of the Love Buster questionnaire. You and he need to sit down and fill it out, then exchange them. Learn what you do that harms him, and STOP doing them! Ask him to do the same.

That's the first step toward fixing your marriage.


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## Sixgunner (Mar 5, 2008)

Sounds like you wanted to get married but still live your single life. If you know it upsets your husband and you keep doing it, then it may be time to be single again and go back to the great life you once had.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I agree with everyone else. Your marriage has definitely got problems. These "girls weekends" are doing plenty of damage at this point.

If I'm reading your post correctly, some of your close friends are now married also. Correct? Are these the women you are socializing with? If this is the case, why can't some of these weekends include the spouses? Perhaps the husbands could hang out together one evening while you girls do something together. Then, the rest of the time do things as a couple. Right now your husband feels left out.


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