# I need advice regarding cheating girlfriend



## Destroyed1 (Feb 22, 2012)

As topic suggests, we are not married! However, long time living together, so I think its reasonably similar!... I am about to tell you my story of infidelity and I would very much welcome your comments and/or suggestions going forward

I apologise in advance about length of post, there's so many things i just need to get out of my system...

I am a male aged early 30s while she is of a similar age, we have been together for just over 3 1/2 years. Living together for the last 3.

In December, I came to her while she was on her PC, and noticed she had a flashing MSN message from him waiting, so i told her "you have an msn, open it?". She refused. I got suspcicious, I insisted, she continued to refuse, eventually she closed the window without even opening it so that I would never see what was in it. This was the end of my trust for her. I told her if it was nothing wrong she would have shown me for a very easy "win" of the argument. She said it was nothing bad but she wouldnt show me out of principle because I should not be doubting her in the first place.

So I decided once again to trust her... until one day while she was getting ready to go out, I checked on her PC and saw this guy had put up a picture of HER as his MSN picture... a picture that I took... I confronted her about this straight away. "he just liked the picture for the background, you can barely see me in it!" "it doesnt mean anything, I'll ask him to remove it if you want" (I did, and he did.)

So all this may seem like really soft evidence but by now I was getting extremely suspicious, and for my own sanity, I decided to find out what was going on once and for all. What I did was not right, but at this point it just had to be done... I keylogged her PC. This was a few days ago. I found out she was having "cyber sex" (ie talk dirty sex via msn) with this guy and it was truly disgusting, as well as heartbreaking to read. I may not be the best boyfriend in the world but I have never, ever, thought of cheating on her. Note that I am fairly certain nothing happened "in real life", but this is probably due to them living a few hundred miles apart, reading what was in those conversations I have no doubts that they would have ended meeting up if I allowed it to continue

I confronted her once again, this time the evidence was irrefutable and she finally admitted to the "online affair". However she continued to lie through her teeth and threw the following counter arguments to me:

- "It was only a bit of fun, I needed sex and you werent giving it to me" (It is true our sex life had seen better days, probably because she was too busy "playing" with this guy all the time and I wasnt really pushing the issue. But still, she was not just talking sex with him, but "i love you and want to be loved by you and only you" and all sorts of stuff thats very intimate but not sexual so i don't buy this argument)
- "It's only been going on for a couple of weeks and I was already feeling very bad about it and wanted to stop it" (I later found out she kept copies of her dirty conversations with him dating back to Late October last year, and there was 0 evidence in recent conversations that she wanted to stop anything...)
- "Ok so I've done it... I'm not proud of it, but so now what? I can't change the past" (this is what shocked me the most. She looked like she had NO remorse, no shame, no guilt whatsoever... I would have expected someone in her position to be extremely apologetic at the very least)

and of course the classic...
- "Maybe we need some time apart to figure out if we can continue together" (and this is when it hit me, I did NOT want to lose her)

At this point, since the cheating was only over the internet and no physical contact, I was actually willing to forgive her and try to move on and fix it, but I wanted to make her realise she had done wrong and she had to work hard to fix things. I said "you must be extremely transparent from now on", "you must work hard to regain my trust", "are you willing to do whatever it takes to fix this relationship?", she didnt really answer the first 2, and answered "no" to the last one.

After that day (the argument lasted about the whole day), I felt like it was mainly me who wanted to get over it and fix the relationship while she was more interested in "going home". The only thing I managed to get out of her is to send him an MSN mesage along the lines of "I cant speak to you anymore". She may have done this "just for show" and continue to text hiim behind my back, I am not sure about this, truth is I struggle to believe after their conversations that it can all end like that.

That was about 5 days ago. Since then, my life feels surreal. I was the victim here, and yet it is me that is being punished:

- I am doing everything she asks me to do (things that we've discussed in the past like helping her more around the house and whatnot, I am making a real effort), she is making little to no efforts for me.
- I am obviously being more vigilant when I know she is online and possibly being sent messages by this guy and she is getting annoyed that I am "spying on her"... I think seriously? After what shes done the least she could do is be very open with her online chatting to prove to me that I have nothing to fear.
- She is hiding her phone really well as in, even take it in with her to the toilet... screams hiding something.
- The thing that bothers me the most at the moment: She REFUSES to have sex with me even though I have asked her in the best of ways and told her it would help me regain a little of the lost trust (and this is true!). She says "I love you, but i am not in love with you, I need some days to warm up to you", "I am a woman, I cant just sleep with you unless I am feeling it inside". Now about this last phrase... I keep thinking this: A couple of days ago you were doing the nastiest things imaginable to some random guy on the internet who you tell me you dont love, and you cant bring yourself to sleep with your boyfriend of 3yrs? wtf?

Just today, she finally dropped her guard on her phone, and I saw what she was hiding... pictures of her naked and some pictures wearing the sexy underwear that *I* bought her for xmas, the worst thing of all is she never agreed to a naked picture for me "i would never do that for anyone!", but she did for this guy......... this is what finally destroyed me inside. I dont know what to do. I feel so cheated and humiliated that I really want her out of my life, at the same time I want to screw whatever remains of her relationship with this guy if I can, and I guess I do still have some feelings for her, but I also think I need to listen to my head and kick her out asap... I'm so angry...

Thanks for reading, apologies about too long!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what's your question? I don't understand why there's any question in your mind what you need to do. She has absolutely no respect for you, she's lying to you, cheating on you, and has absolutely no remorse for what she's doing.

What would you say if your friend or brother came to you with this story?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

I was ready to give you advice, but as I kept reading I started to wonder if this was a serious post. It's like you went through all of the info for cheating partners who destroy relationships without a second thought and put them into one post. If this is actually a real-life story, I think I can best answer like this: run and don't look back. Seriously, your post should enter some kind of hall of fame for being cheated on by people who show no conscience. 

Oh, and read THIS.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Stop and ask yourself WHY you don't want to lose her? She lies, cheats, shows no remorse; she treats you like an idiot. Remember that this is as much of her as any of the "good" stuff is. She may be fun and sexy but she's also a liar and a cheater--those things are ALL part of her, and she has shown no interest in changing. 


The fact that you don't want to lose her is your biggest problem. 

If you are willing to accept that you do NOT want to be with someone who has such negative traits, then you will take steps toward leaving her. If she values you enough, she will take all the steps you demand, in order to keep you. Those steps amount to complete transparency b/c you have lost trust and it is HER obligation to support you through your insecurity, even if it takes YEARS. She has no secrets from you, and you have full access to everything she has and does. If she agrees to those terms and lives up to them, unquestioningly, then she "gets it," and she loves you enough to change. But if she backslides, or she argues about the conditions you set, well, she just does not care enough to keep you--and you really have to leave, or she will have no respect for you and things will only get worse between you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Find out who this guy is and expose him. Tell you chick to move out. And never ever beg for this relationship.

By exposing this to OM wife or GF you will be doing someone a solid by warning then of the on coming train wreck, That and it will make the affair more difficult to continue with and extra set of eyes watching the OM.

Telling your chick you want her to leave will show her you command respect and are confident enough to let her go. This may make her think twice about what she is about to lose. Even if she doesn't leave you are making a strong statement that you will not tolorate this crap.

Begging and crying is so unattractive and it will lead to even more disrespect. No matter how weak you feel, her perception of the confidence you show her by being indifferent, calm ,and firm will make her think twice about actions and how serious you are in letting her go.

She was warned once and disregarded you, now is the time to show tough love. You can not control her but you can control your self in what you will tolorate and who you choose to be with.

And remember, its not what knocks us down that matters, its how we get back up that counts. So man up and with calmness, firmness, and fairness be the man that commands respect. Anything less will only make her think you will always be around, no matter how she behaves. You will see how eviedent this is by how you handled your self when you 1st confronted her back then.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Dr. Phil said something once that has never left me. It went something like this: "We train people how to treat us".

You trained her well. Fix your mistake and move on. Quickly.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Being a cuckold sucks, doesn't it?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Give her 2 weeks to move out.

Simple.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Take a look a the 180 in my signature block below. That is how you need to interact with her now. Tell her to leave and take her junk... or better yet...

Tell her to leave. Then you pack her junk and have it delivered to where she's staying and dumped on the lawn or in the parking lot. Make sure she's there a tha time so that she can spend her day lugging the boxes somewhere.


And then expose her affair to her family, your friends, his family, etc.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What is the question here?

Take back any and all underwear you bought her and toss it in the trash, then kick her out of your life and home. She is cheating on you, she is lying to you, and she isn't giving you sex - even though it is clearly on her mind.

Kick her cheating butt into the street.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Destroyed1 (Feb 22, 2012)

MSP said:


> I was ready to give you advice, but as I kept reading I started to wonder if this was a serious post. It's like you went through all of the info for cheating partners who destroy relationships without a second thought and put them into one post.


Unfortunately it's all true 

I appreciate your and everybody's feedback.

A few of you asked "what is the question", I guess there is no question, it's simply 1) a way to get it off my chest, the stuff is too humiliating to talk to a friend about. 2) if anyone has been in a similar situation and/or recognises some behaviour patterns on her (or even me?) and can advice me what I should convince myself to do. Some of you already have done this, it gives me strength to convince myself that it should be done.

I also wanted to add one thing... I could kick her out now, but I feel that If I do that she would be "winning", ie just jump in with this other guy, I'm really not a nasty person but... she has crossed a line and I would like to make her regret it


Exposing her dirty conversations or even pictures? to her friends as mentioned here is something I could do, but will it really work? Or will that just lower me to her level?


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

Destroyed1 said:


> Unfortunately it's all true
> 
> I appreciate your and everybody's feedback.
> 
> ...


expose expose expose...theres always a penalty you gotta pay...and put her smiling face up on cheatersville
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Dude she is a skank. You seriously need to expose and kick her out. You deserve better. But only if you want better.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

D1

Run, run,run. If it is your apt. Then throw her out. She is steps away from sleeping with this guy if she hasn't already.

She lies to you. She is intimate with another person. She no longer has sex with you. She no longer loves you which she stated.
Why would you want to be with her.

Time to say goodbye to her. Heal your wounds and find a woman with your morals. Not someone addicted to FB and MSN Chat.

Good Luck and Good Riddance to her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do it quickly, just kick her out now. Don't be nice, don't give her time. Tell her to leave.

Let her go to the other guy. You are getting freedom from her, and he is getting a cheating skank, so he's getting the bad end of deal.

As for exposure, tell her friends, post of fb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Let her go. Move on. Her winning or not is not even the question. You are losing now. Get rid of her. Work on yourself. Stop being such a Nice Guy.

Blind trust is lazy. You should not have backed down to begin with. If you had been Alpha enough you would have demanded she show you the message. But you failed yourself then and there.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Destroyed1 said:


> I also wanted to add one thing... I could kick her out now, but I feel that If I do that she would be "winning", ie just jump in with this other guy


So the alternative is to keep a girl that would immediately run to the other guy? 

If you kick her out, the only person that wins here is YOU. You get to be free again and look for a decent girl.

Sure, she will probably move in with the other guy, but now she is his problem, and she will be his. With their character, they'll be cheating on each other in no time.

Kick her out now, you win.




> Exposing her dirty conversations or even pictures? to her friends as mentioned here is something I could do, but will it really work? Or will that just lower me to her level?


The best revenge is living well. Sure she will be outed as the piece of crap she is, but it may backfire and the friends may see you as a bitter psycho, even though they aren't the ones in your shoes and have no idea the pain caused.

Don't lower yourself to her level. She is a wh0re, so don't be seen as vindictive. Just live well, enjoy life, and enjoy your freedom!!!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

are you serious? prolly a reason you havnt married her after living w/ her and being together for 3+ years... right? and you obviously haven't met all her needs, etc... hence her straying... But suddenly now ur head over heels in love with her and dont want to lose her... in fact your so motivated that you willing to consider overlooking this debauchery.... 

is this a matter or pride or ego ? losing her to some d0uchebag or letting her "win". 

the writing is so clear on this one, even _you _know. it's done.

You arent trying to save this for kids, marriage, or undying love. what I wouldnt have done to have found out what you have before getting in toooooo deep. that's called dodging a bullet.

you won. trust me on that one.


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