# Looking for help and guidance.



## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Hi people,

This is my story, I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

My wife (28) and I (38) have been together for 7 years and we got married on the 3rd of jan 2010. She was and still is the only woman I want in the world. Things were great, we had the typical arguments but nothing was so bad that we didn't love eachother and told eachother almost everyday either by saying it or in a text message. We bought our first home in feb 2011. A 4 bedroom house to start a family. I have 2 kids already from another relationship and during the time we bought our house things were tricky there as there mom had met a new guy who stayed 300 miles away and wanted to relocate and I was fighting a court battle for them to remain closer because my kids didn't want to be that far from family and there dad. I need to touch on the relationship between my kids and my wife. She never really took a lot to do with my kids in the whole 7 years. She was never bad to them (once when she was drunk she shouted at one of them because my daughter was watching tv and my wife wanted peace) but she never totally got involved with them. I do know her father from the start had a problem with me having kids and he made a point of telling her how difficult it might be for her but she didn't really listen to him. During the court battle my wife didn't contribute any money or really any support at the time.

Anyway, during the court action things were tough money wise. Me paying lawyers and us buying a house made money tight but we still had enough. Her job was very steady and a good pay. I am a self employed musician and I make a good wage but it can be inconsistent.

The court battle started to mellow out around the march. 4 months later in july 2011 her father died while hill walking. He fell off a cliff. It was devastating for everyone. My wife really took a low, the doctor started to give her anti depressants to cope. During that time I tried to be there and offer support. The way I remember it was I tried to talk to her, be there, listen but it always ended up me doing something wrong or saying something that would end up with her flying off the handle at me and me being the bad one. A lot of this I just took as I put it down to grief. There were a few times I was punched or thumped on the chest in anger but I took it and didn't react. (I've found out the night before our wedding her dad and her went out for dinner, during dinner she asked him to contribute to the service. In the service it said "tradition in a wedding is a father handing over a daughter but now a days things are not like that. (Her dads name) do you accept (my wife's name) choice of husband" all he had to say in the script was "yes I do". Well I found out the night before he refused to contribute and say that. What a [email protected] huh.)

So, our marriage was difficult after her dads death. Intimacy was gone (not by me I always wanted to be close with her), sex was very low (not by me I always wanted her) all these things I could understand due to the circumstances. My wife could see things were difficult so she asked me to step back so she could deal with her grief so we could avoid conflict. I agreed reluctantly because I wanted to help but I did so. I always was around, offering her tea as she worked. Tried to talk to her and keep close but she wasn't really interested.

She decided about 6 weeks after her dads death she wanted a baby. I tried to get her to slow down since it was so close to her dads death. She stopped taking her pill. I knew this and one time we had sex I pulled out before I came and she said to me "for god sakes Kevin man up" god I was so close to smacking her in the teeth after that. But of course I didn't. Am not a violent person especially to women.

In November one of her friends was asking how she was getting on. I explained things were difficult at the moment. The next thing I knew the following week her friend told my wife I was thinking about divorcing her. I said no such thing. My wife called me in a panic asking if that's what I was going to do, I told her no I loved her and I never said anything like that. She sent me a text saying. Kevin I love you and need you. Tell me what I have to do to make you love me again. I told Her i do love you. Tried to make her secure.

So we get through Christmas and we went to Egypt on our anniversary. We spoke about having kids again and I said yes I wanted that but we should hold off until things were steady. She didn't like this. Anyway that was January. March we spoke about going to Cuba on 2013 anniversary.

On the 17th of April my wife wrote this.

Well. An awful lot has happened since then. I don't even know where to start.

So I'll start now-dispite things on the surface being better with Kevin, I've realised over the past few weeks that this isn't really a marriage - its more like flat mates ....
-we don't share a bed.
-we don't spend time together.
-we don't do anything.
-our lives are seperate.
-we don't have mutual friends.
-we don't have sex.
-his smoking annoys me.
- my drinking annoys him.
- we don't share anything.
- we have nothing in common.

I don't know what to do. This can't be the rest of out lives. I don't think he can be happy either. But how can I bring it up?

He will: 
1 get defensive, attack and blame me.
2 accuse me of cheating.
3 refuse to accept it.

It's not fair. I think we both deserve to be happier. But I don't know how to fix things.

Options: 
1 ignore it.
2 suggest counselling.
3 suggest separation.

****.

We sat down to talk about our marriage problems (problems I knew we're there but I had to wait for her to want to talk about them, all of the things on that list I tried to talk to her about as they happened, over 2 years I tried to talk about stuff, she would just not want too). We sat down to talk about stuff. She got drunk and suggested I might be happier with someone else. I told her no. It's her I loved and wanted and I wanted things to be better than the last year which through unfortunate circumstances have effected our lives. Anyway she got drunk and nothing got sorted.

Here is a list of events that happened over the next few months.
14th April - my wife goes on a hen night.
17th April - she writes the above list in her journal,
20th April - am told the list,
27th April - we agree to talk and we both really want to try and fix things,
28th April - we sit down to talk. Lorna gets drunk.
28th may - Lorna mentions seriously divorce,
5th June - Lorna says its over can't try anymore or see a way to fix things.
9th june - Lorna heads off to rockness and pulls the hen night guy,
12th June - I ask Lorna to tell me if this is another guy. She says no,
17th June - find out about the guy she met on the hen night and rockness.

Since then I've been told all the classic lines "I love you but am not in love with you". All the blame has been put on me (but not at first, she was crying and said sorry for ruining our marriage). She's now rewriting history saying it was never right from the start. Basically she's really hitting me hard with classic infidelity quotes and blame. It's all my fault of course in her eyes.

That was 4 months ago. I still love her. I keep making excuses for her. I try and understand her grief and how that could be causing this. Am on the roller coaster. Am really messed up with it all.

Yous all seem pretty wise so I'd like to hear your thoughts.

She has no interest at all in reconciliation. She's happy now with her new guy she tells me. She denies this is an affair and says nothing psychical happened until she said she wanted a separation (now divorce). Of course by nothing psychical happening she means on my birthday at the rockness music festival 4 days after she said its over. And she thinks that's ok.

I think this is at the very least an EA into a PA. ever since meeting this guy she made a get out plan. Am so messed up right now. She hasn't been honest at all. Anything I know I've had to find out myself then once she's been caught she admits it. But it's not been the truth coming from her mouth.

Her affair is one thing. That can be dealt with (she doesn't wanna stop it though). It's the lies, deception, the hurt she's causing me. The way she BS me now, the way she blames me, the rewriting of history. It's killing me inside. Right now am so angry.

Give me the 2x4 treatment if yous think its best.

I've read divorce remedy, 5 love languages, no more mr nice guy and hold onto your nuts. There alright but I don't think things were that bad in my marriage. Infact I know we had a great life. It seems like the first hurdle we hit she jumped off the horse.

I guess the advice am looking for is how to make reconciliation happen if its possible. Am 100% committed to my wedding vows and am not gonna just throw it away. If there's a chance to fix this that's the direction I wanna go in.

To add also I moved out the marital home at the end of June and she's now selling our house.

Kevin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Hi people,
> 
> .....
> 
> ...



Sorry to hear this mate ( btw I am also a sempl musician and yeah it is bloody inconsistant!) 

I know where you are with this. This is me 7 yrs ago and we did get back together and R but the truth for me anyway was that it then, despite all the promises, never lived up to the dreams. If I had only found a place like this website back then !? I'd have saved myself 7 yrs of heartbreak destruction and endless lying and cheating. But that is me that's not you - everybody's 'love' and scenario is slightly different.

Should you get it back *it will absolutely never ever be the same as it was*, even if you think it was great before (I did).
The main element has been ripped at the core and that is not love ( I spose it's part of it) but TRUST.
You will become a never ending detective, checking and verifying, which is okay if what you get from it is worth it and for some it definitely is.

It does sadly sound like she is gone my friend. It sounds like she was out quite a while ago. One things is for sure while she is actually with the OM she will not be coming out of her head, her 'fog' anytime soon.

I'd like to be optimistic for you but it does'nt look positive right now.

I do know how you feel though, the anger, the deceptions and especially if you know like I did that in my heart our marriage was a good one but I'm realizing quite quick it was only good for me, obviously not her who lied about how content and happy she was whilst carrying on being what we on her know as the classic 'cake eater' in infidelity circles

If you do get it back it will have to be a new 'marriage' with new boundaries and expectations and if you can get your head to that place then good luck to you

Chin up 

( btw your a musician like me and although I found it hard to get into it initially it is gradually beginning to became important to me again pursuing new musical goals - so keep practicing!)


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Only yesterday (should have done it sooner) I emailed the OM to inform him that he has been seeing a married woman.

I don't think she's told him the truth. Left it a bit late though.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

If the other man is married or in a relationship, then expose the affair to his wife or girlfriend. It may also help to expose the affair to your wife's family (and ask them for help).


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

I think the OM is single.

I've told everyone this is an affair. Some people have said to me "sorry to hear yous drifted apart" am not slow in telling them the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I don't know what to suggest, but I know you both have to want to reconcile before anything can happen. Doesn't sound like she wants it.

Sorry.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Yea she shows no interest in coming back to her marriage. She's being friendly enough I suppose. My gut instinct is her dads death changed everything. It's like his disapproval of me when he was alive didn't bother her. Now he's dead it's like she's made him the hero and is now starting to right some kind of wrong by acting on his disapproval of me.

Am probably clutching at straws with that trying to find logic in this. Ya know I think this is all my fault sometimes. Truly I know it's not. But all this does make ya doubt yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Ya know I think the lying and deception is an indication she knows its all wrong that leads me anyway to think she knows she's making a mistake. Stupid I know but it backs up my gut feeling that if she was to say " look its simple, am doin this guy, I like it, he's new funny and makes me laugh, for the last 2 months I've been texting him a lot and I now like him more than you so stuff this marriage am gonna go out and get my fill of enjoyment rather than do some hard work to fix this"

I could handle that and get closure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Her being friendly I believe is another form of gaslighting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Hi abra,

I can see what your indicating but trust me it never went down like that. For starters she knew from day 1 I had 2 kids and my ex could be a bit of a nightmare. We normally laughed it off and just done things with the kids.

The court battle lasted 2 and a half months. It wasn't over years this court stuff. The money side of it I paid for everything to do with the legal fees and still made sure I contributed my 50% towards living costs and mortgage payments. I tried my best to keep any emotional side of the court battle (always just to do with the well being of my kids, never any emotional content to do with my ex) away from our relationship.

The list of hers you mentioned I'll address them.
The not sharing a bed-her idea because of our different working hours and my snoring.
The no sex-totally her choice. I was always affectionate to her letting her know I wanted her and thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
The don't do anything and different friends-rubbish. I was always suggesting to go out. After her dad died she became a recluse. She enjoyed going out drinking with her friends. Am not a drinker (I did go out sometimes with them but my work didn't allow me to go out as much). She enjoyed a social life that was just her and he friends as it meant we weren't always together (people need there own time also I truly believe this).

As far as a family. It was the wrong reasons she wanted a baby. It was to replace her dads death with something (she has admitted that now).
It was also so she could get out her job she hated and get maternity pay. (Admitted by her also). So as far as the idea you have which I can understand I hope me explaining in more detail allows yous to see these are all just excuses she's trying to list to rationalise her affair. That's how I see it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Her being friendly I believe is another form of gaslighting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What is gaslighting? Sorry to hijack!


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Go search it on google. It's basically someone playing you to make you doubt yourself
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

I wouldn't suggest that cheaters consciously do this but it has help me understand the effects that lies and deception is having on me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What is rockness?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Its a music festival on the banks of Loch Ness.

On the subject of music festivals. She went to Isle of Wight festival at the end of June. That weekend I cleared my stuff out the house. I thought for her coming back I'd run her a bath. Put candles in it. Cut a rose and put it in bathroom next to the bath. Tried to make it nice and romantic. Wrote her a song and put it in the DVD player in the bathroom. Anyway she went to the bath put on the song came down 2 minutes later and she said to me "what's with the guilt trip" Ohhhh that cut me hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Well I adore Scottish accents but sometimes the way you write
makes it hard for people who are not in the UK to understand. When you say she pulled that guy, what does that mean?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Pulled means met up with him and it definatly went psychical.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Ah. Well what do you think about the list she made? Was it true?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

You might get more response in the coping with infidelity section. Also write things in standardized internationally understood English. Some people will just skip a post of they can't figure out what is going on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

You know Kevin if you were still living in the home I would say pull out all the stops and go after her with guns blazing.

But since you have been out since June and the house is for sale I am going to say this.

Let her go. Let her be a drunk. Let her kill your marriage over her dead Dad.

Let her stay the cheater.

Why?

Because you deserve better. Your kids deserve better.

Why on earth would you want to be in love with someone that found it so easy to crap on you????

Move on and let her go.

There are better fish in the sea. Go ask Nessie!!

Hm64


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Was the list true. That's a hard one to answer. Almost all the things on the list I knew about and tried to talk to her about. I clearly told her I hated not sleeping with her in bed but I understood the snoring issue and the working hours being different but I always made it clear I wanted to share a bed. I tried ever snoring remedy out there with no success. The sex thing I was always up for sex with my wife. She started sex 3 times at the most in our whole relationship it was normally me suggesting to her or trying to romance her. More often than not though she was tired or stressed with work or busy reading or watching tv. Her friends I am friends with. Not having anything in common. I wouldn't have said so. We had our own interests but that's a good thing also.

The list was pretty petty I thought and a lot of it could have been solved by throwing on a jacket and both us going out but she didn't want too and became a recluse.

Am really hurt by all this. Pretty messed up and scared at my level of anxiety and also just how much this has taken over my everyday life. I don't get a minutes peace from this going round my head.

I know 100% for sure she never tried and ran away rather than put in effort. I've really thought about this and if there were signals I missed but I can honestly say there wasn't.

I wish I could understand it without being so cynical but it looks like its the worst case.

Ill add also I am a recovering addict and alcoholic sober and clean for 19 years now. I know myself and do look at myself all the time and keep a personal inventory constantly so I am always checking my behaviour and my interactions with people. I know am not perfect but if I am ever in the wrong or behave badly I am always the first to admit it and say sorry and try to fix whatever wrong I've done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Oh yea, one of her quotes that just astonished me was her explanation of the hen night or bridal shower whatever the accepted phrase is.

She admitted to giving this guy her number when he asked her for it on this night out. She said "at that moment I gave him my number I realised there was a problem in our marriage because if things were fine with us Kevin I wouldn't have given him my number".

Astonishing huh.

Of course during that whole weekend she was texting me telling me she loved me and wanted no one but me. Also to make it worse I was performing only 10 miles away that night and suggested I could pop by after my gig. She said "girls only weekend am afraid, no guys"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> You know Kevin if you were still living in the home I would say pull out all the stops and go after her with guns blazing.
> 
> But since you have been out since June and the house is for sale I am going to say this.
> 
> ...


Totally get the perspective your making and I've thought that myself.

Call me stupid but I think there's depression and many other things contributing to this and it reminds me my vows to stick with her better or worse, sickness and in health.

I know she's making a mistake, thinking a quick high will fix everything. Am sure in the short term she's gonna be ok but the long term. She must see it eventually and wonder what she's done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Kevin,

She's much more likely to gain that insight without a Plan B - which you currently represent.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> She must see it eventually and wonder what she's done.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not true. She may never see what she has done.

And, she certainly won't see it if you hang around waiting in the wings.

All that does is reinforce the delusion that she must be perfectly ok because, after all, you still want her.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Don't feel too bad. My soon to be ex spent the whole year going out with her friends a few nights (3-5) a week and not coming back till morning. (She got a DUI this year so it was understandable she didn't want to drive home). I would confront her now and again and she would say "Its not you its me, I'm just in a rut, but I love you sooo much" and basically other stuff she would say to insure me she loved me and didn't want to lose me. I figured she needed her space and I trusted her. Boy was I wrong. She was seeing someone else. Not only could she not sit me down and just tell me the problem like a mature adult, but I couldn't even follow the signs because she would tell me everything between us was fine over and over before going out and doing it again. 

I was pretty messed up for a long time. Then she says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you'. Meaning "I think a guy I met is more exciting because I don't really know him yet and I'm immature" 

I was shaken to my core. Now I think I'm doing a lot better. (4 weeks afterwards). Maybe this will help you maybe it won't. Basically whenever I start to think of her and our marriage or any memories I have of us I quickly block it out and concentrate on something else. Luckily with getting a new house and packing up I have plenty of things to keep me preoccupied. I'm unsure of the future and a lot of that is frightening, but that's in the future. Today I just need to not get upset. I don't allow myself to over analyze our relationship, wallow in memories past or even think about her or what went wrong. I have to think about myself and my future. 

I cried enough in the last few weeks to last a lifetime over this and its just not worth it. That emotional roller coaster going from sadness, depression to anger and hatred. Constantly analyzing the relationship and trying to figure out what went wrong will tear you a part. Just stop it! Come up with a word that means to you 'change' or a 'new life' and whenever any of these thoughts start to come up say it immediately and cut off that thought and concentrate on what this new word means for your future. Or just tell yourself 'stop' and think of something else. Try to imagine the future is going to be so much better even if you don't believe it now. Believe that without her holding you back you will be more successful and find someone truly amazing. Smart, beautiful, sexy. Everything you could wish or dream for. 

Whatever you do don't fall on drinking or drugs. That will make it way worse for you. For me the 1st step was recognizing no amount of pleading or talking is going to reverse course. 2nd was just forcing myself to think positive and not allow myself to worry or over analyze things. Find something to preoccupy yourself with and sink all your energy into it. 

Trying to think of where you went wrong or thinking you aren't good enough will get you nowhere. Think positive. If this is the type of women she wants to be so be it. You are better then that. Don't let her hurt you anymore.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> You might get more response in the coping with infidelity section. Also write things in standardized internationally understood English. Some people will just skip a post of they can't figure out what is going on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And remember to spell colour as colour, etc! And... surely everyone knows what pulling means???

Let's not get hung up on details, folks!

Kevin, your wife was vulnerable, the OM tapped into her vulnerability.


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## MisterRitter (Sep 1, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Totally get the perspective your making and I've thought that myself.
> 
> Call me stupid but I think there's depression and many other things contributing to this and it reminds me my vows to stick with her better or worse, sickness and in health.
> 
> ...


I am in a similar situation to you, with a some important differences, and the way I see it, she has already broken those vows. In my situation, I don't feel like it has given me license to go do whatever I want, but it has effectively ended the marriage.

If you think you want to try to save your marriage, you should do it because you think you two can live a happy married life together some day, not because of some promises that have already been broken.

It doesn't sound to me like she is interested in even attempting to work on the marriage, so the big question is 'What do you want?'. Then you can figure out how to work towards that goal. 

Good luck to you, I hope you find happiness in the end.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> And remember to spell colour as colour, etc! And... surely everyone knows what pulling means???
> 
> Let's not get hung up on details, folks!
> 
> Kevin, your wife was vulnerable, the OM tapped into her vulnerability.


And let's not forget his wife let the OM "tap" that vulnerability.....


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Yup agreed, a one night stand when drunk that's one thing but she kept it going and is still with him. She had plenty of choices but always choose the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Yup agreed, a one night stand when drunk that's one thing but she kept it going and is still with him. She had plenty of choices but always choose the OM.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You got it.

My stbxw said she did not plan to have an affair.

The plane tickets and hotels that followed the EA? Nothing planned about that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Ya know I can handle the infidelity. People mess up and make mistakes but to give up on our marriage. That's pretty major
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Yup agreed, a one night stand when drunk that's one thing but she kept it going and is still with him. She had plenty of choices but always choose the OM.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am sorry this has happened to you.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Ya know I can handle the infidelity. People mess up and make mistakes but to give up on our marriage. That's pretty major
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*What you have to start understanding is A cheater is a very selfish person. They are lairs and users who only care about them. *


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Thanks too everyone who had taken an interest in my situation and offering me some clarity.

The comments and support and advice does help a lot so thank you.

Kevin
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Ya know am just sitting thinking. My wife she gave up. Things weren't prefect, and none of us are perfect and make mistakes but rather than work and try to get us back on track (and honestly I can swear things weren't that bad) she choose to give up. The really hard part for me is I would have givin my last breath for my wife without hesitation or thought. I would have never given up on us because I knew we had so much together that was great.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

KevinScotland said:


> The really hard part for me is I would have givin my last breath for my wife without hesitation or thought. I would have never given up on us because I knew we had so much together that was great.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like you were content just being her husband, friend, and a father to her kids.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

spun said:


> You got it.
> 
> My stbxw said she did not plan to have an affair.
> 
> ...


All spontaneous - every last dime of it.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Sounds like you were content just being her husband, friend, and a father to her kids.


I wouldn't say just content. I always wanted to hold and kiss my wife. Be her lover, her everything. I always encouraged her to be herself and try to achieve her dreams. I never held her back from being herself. I'd want to go out and take her places.

I wasn't totally happy either, the last year following her dads death was difficult for both of us but I felt we were starting to get back to where we were.

I would never have stood for JUST being her husband and friend. I wanted it all with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> I wouldn't say just content. I always wanted to hold and kiss my wife. Be her lover, her everything. I always encouraged her to be herself and try to achieve her dreams. I never held her back from being herself. I'd want to go out and take her places.
> 
> I wasn't totally happy either, the last year following her dads death was difficult for both of us but I felt we were starting to get back to where we were.
> 
> ...


In other words, you gave up being your own man to be with her.

Works for a while. In the long run, however, it's makes you seem needy and unattractive. Then the respect for you is gone.

Enter posOM. Stir. Instant affair.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

spun said:


> In other words, you gave up being your own man to be with her.
> 
> Works for a while. In the long run, however, it's makes you seem needy and unattractive. Then the respect for you is gone.
> 
> ...


Yes, the perfect storm.

I'm right there in with you Kevin, it sucks. 

Letting go and moving on is the only recovery and that's a solo effort. It hit home with me when I recognized my WW is 180'ing me.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

spun said:


> In other words, you gave up being your own man to be with her.
> 
> Works for a while. In the long run, however, it's makes you seem needy and unattractive. Then the respect for you is gone.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't agree. I've gave that a lot of thought. Read no more mr nice guy, and hold onto your nuts. And even though yes some points could have been change according to the advice of they books I was never a push over.

I done all the so called man things. I'd repair my own car. Built walls. I was always the one called on when strenght and heavy lifting was required. I'd be the one who'd be called to fix cars if someone broke down or needed rescued.

I've thought a lot about that one. Maybe I wasn't a control freak but I do believe people or partners need there own space and interest. And I had mine also.

It's not the 1950's anymore either. This idea of women raising kids staying at home is rubbish also. That's no way to treat a women. That's controlling behaviour. Now if I woman wants to be a 50's wife great but us as men shouldn't force them to be.

The OM as far as I can tell is smaller than me. Has a very delicate job in electronics. And enjoys drinking. If I was to describe him as someone from tv he's like someone from "the Big Bang theory"

In a sense he's more like the kind of guy her dad would have wanted her to be with. Educated, steady job, 9-5, boring. My belief is this is still an issue about her father dying. This OM is someone she could have brought home her dad (who was a head master in a school who always like education but was never into violence). To him I was never any good because I was a practical hands on guy who wasn't scared to do manual work and get my hands dirty. I wasn't like her 2 sisters husbands who were doctors of chemistry and geology. I know this has nothing to do with manliness.

Don't confuse bring a man with being a control freak.

Anyway I know am manly enough. I have tons of women now am single lettin me know there interested but am not ready to give up on my marriage yet.
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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

It's went very quiet on here!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Hi Kevin, I read this because of your post on DD's thread.

I feel sorry for you, but you display some of the almost standard wrong way's of dealing with the situation.

How would you describe for instance the difference between how DD deals with his situation and how you do it, you can make a table of some issues and your both ' way of reacting.


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