# No Friends and Married. Need Input.



## Aeode (Oct 7, 2010)

So I am a 35 year old male married to a 27 year old woman. We have a child who is 1 and a half years old.

I have no friends whom are male because I am picky as to whom I can consider a friend and also because we moved to a new area just before our child was born and I am not a bar going sports loving regular kind of guy who enjoys eating chicken wings at the local Hooters. 

My wife is a stay at home mom and I take care of all the bills. She enjoys belly dancing and I pay for her to teach a class once a week at a local studio and take a class once a week at a separate studio.

My work is sporadic but when it comes, I have to work until the job is done. I also do laundry, wash diapers, clean the house, keep the car maintenance up and of course watch our child whenever my wife goes to class or has something to do (when I'm not working.)

My question is this.....

When I am working, my wife doesn't cook dinner when I get home many times because she says she has no time to. I understand the handful a child can be because I spend a lot of time with my daughter (thankfully) because my work comes in waves. 

Also my wife doesn't clean the house regularly and many times I end up vacuuming and cleaning the house on my days off because it just needs to be done. I also end up cooking many times because she just doesn't like to cook, even though it is something that has to be done.

So am I being a chauvinistic man because I expect her to do these things when I work or even on some of my days off? 

Or am I just compromising too much and setting a standard for her to take advantage of me?

Thanks,
-M


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## lonely man (Oct 7, 2010)

Niether, I had a friend much liek this. You just need to sit down and have a talk with your wife. First off thank her for your child and being as lovely as she is. But then tell her that you feel overwelmed by the responsibility of raising, and that you feel sometimes that you are doing this alone. MEntion that marriage is a joinign of two souls, you work as one, you succeed as one. you need each other. she if she would be willing to take on some of those duties when you are at work, knowing that when yoru off you can take some of them back. No one like to do all the cooking or cleaning, but like you said. it needs to be done. Hope this helps, but I'm no professional, just what happenedto a friend of mine. By the way it worked out and htey are having thier second child and are happier then ever.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You are probably doing a bit too much. I understand it's difficult to get things done with children around, I have two that are under 4, so I definitely get it. However, some people just use children as an excuse to do nothing.

Maybe you could do up a weekly roster or something. Make a list of all the housework that has to be done, on whatever day, and whoever is home that day does that days work. E.g. Tue and Sat the floors are cleaned. If you're working, she does it. This would make it easier on your days off, as there will only be a couple of things for you to do, instead of a large list of chores that haven't been done. On the days you are both home, one person does a chore, or all chores, and the other looks after bubs, whatever you feel like.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If she is staying at home with your child, unless your child has some special needs which take up a huge portion of her time, then your wife should be taking care of the house and making meals. If she's not working, then "not having time" is not a good excuse. Every now and then, sure, I can see how she might not have time. I have 2 kids, and I know there are times when we'll have a bunch of dr appts in one day, or something else going on and yes, on that day, I might not have time to get much of anything done. But as a general rule, she should not have any problem getting things done. 

I think it's great that you do things around the house and with your daughter as well. Some men think that the fact that they work excuses them from doing anything at home; it's good to see you don't feel that way. At the same time, you have to set some boundaries. She's a stay at home mom; for the most part, the home, the child, cooking, etc. should be her domain. She can/should ask you for help sometimes, or you can tell her that you will regularly handle X, Y and Z, or however you two decide to handle it. But you should not be working and then coming home to take care of the house as well. 

You say your work is sporadic...what exactly does that mean? Do you work for X weeks and then you're off for X weeks? If it's in chunks like that, then I do think during the long spans of time that you are not working, helping out around the house would be good. Especially if during the times when you do work, you're working long hours and don't spend time (or much time) at home with her and your daughter. But even during those chunks when you are home and not working, she needs to do her part as well.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I agree with atruckersgirl. She obviously has the time to make her man something. I wouldn't expect a gourmet meal, but it takes very little effort to make something. This is a question of time management and motivation. The baby takes a nap (or should). Perfect house cleaning time. Invest in a crock pot and show her how to use it. Chunk the meat and veggies in, turn it on, and dump it in a bowl when you walk through the door. How hard is that? Even lazier? Prepare huge portions on the weekends and freeze them in daily-portion containers. Since time began, women have had kids. Normally, they had several. They also fed their families without frozen foods, instant anything, or microwave ovens. If the typical woman couldn't manage to cook and care for a baby in the same day, civilization would have died out long ago.


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

So am I being a chauvinistic man because I expect her to do these things when I work or even on some of my days off? 

No. I'm a woman in a reverse situation. I want help and don't get it....

Or am I just compromising too much and setting a standard for her to take advantage of me?

I think you are as I did. You're just starting and need to change it now. Someone on here told me you teach people how to treat you. I never thought of it that way. The patterns in my marriage are set. I don't know if I can change them now or not.


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

Change this pattern now. I let me wife do nothing for 4 years but complain, eat and watch TV. Now even when things need to get done she somehow has an excuse. 

There's busy, then there is lazy.


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## Lostmind30 (Sep 26, 2010)

Well I can tell you, you are not alone! 
When H and I were first together, he did everything top to bottom except bathrooms and cooking. He did laundry, vacuumed, swept, dusted, everything. I tried to do it some too, but it was never right in his opinion, so I just let him go at it. 
Now I did pick up other things that he didn't like to do such as the cooking, the bathrooms, grocery shopping, etc. 
Forward to today though at 12 yrs of marriage and in the last year he has stopped almost all the cleaning. I became resentful and upset with him for that. (Yeah I know, but I expected it). I confronted him about it and he said he was tired of doing it alone. I explained my side and he his and we came to an understanding. We divided everything up and now work 50/50 on it since we both work f/t. 
I have to say that if you have been doing this with no issue and have not voiced your feelings then I am pretty sure it is just an expected norm regardless of how the schedule changes.
Confront her on the issue but do it from an emotional stand point such as:
You know when I have the time, I love to make your life easier by doing xxxx, but at the same time, I feel that you don't respect me when I am busy and you don't help out with xxxx. Let her know that it is NOT an expectation, but rather a request that you would appreciate and respect her for. 
I know that may be handling it with kid gloves, but at least try it as H and I did to see if that works first. 
If not then I say that you state that it is an unfair expectation on her part towards you and you don't appreciate it. Then just stop doing it. Do what you need to for you and the child (fix enough lunch for you two or wash only yall's clothes) and then see how she reacts. 
Now this is all just my experience, but being in somewhat of the same situation, I think it would work. 
Oh and btw... when H was doing all that at the beginning of the marriage... I was not working, I was at home with our daughter and he was working two jobs so yeah it was unfair to him now looking back, but it relates to what you are saying about your job. 
Anyway, hope this helps you out some. Good luck


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