# Wife only emotionally cheated or so I think....



## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

So I'm 31 and my wife just turned 30. We have been married for almost 5 years and have a 2 and a half year old kid. We've actually been together for 14 years. The last year and a half have been the worst year of my life. My wife became drastically reserved and cold towards me. We haven't had sex/kissed/hugged anything in this year and a half. Our communication broke down and time and time again she never would tell me what the problem was. I've also been sleeping on the couch this entire time as well. 

Any time I tried to get her to open up she would just say she knows she has changed but that's what people do. So to make a long story short she had left her email open and I started looking through it because I knew something was up and wanted answers since she wasn't going to say anything ever. I find some emails basically saying that she had been talking and getting interested in a coworker. I didn't have time to look through them all because she busted me so I didn't get the whole story. I confronted her and she sort of blew it off like it was nothing. I got pissed and left and called her sister because we are really tight and she knows what I've been going through. Come to find out she has known and didn't say a damn word to me but she wouldn't tell me much other than she knew my wife had feelings for this guy. So I get back home and confront her and she says nothing ever happened just they got a little too close and were emailing/txt/phone more than they should have. This infuriated me and I consider this cheating. She still isn't telling me everything so I'm going to try and get her sister to tell me more. I really need some advice cause I really don't know how to handle this and am very out of my mind currently.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Counseling may or may not be an option as I'm finding this really hard to get over and she doesn't seem remorseful. Also, really thinking about confronting the guy via FB message since he doesn't live in my town. Any ideas?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> This infuriated me and I consider this cheating. She still isn't telling me everything so I'm going to try and get her sister to tell me more. I really need some advice cause I really don't know how to handle this and am very out of my mind currently.


You are correct, it is cheating. It's called an emotional affair. You have tons in the "coping with infidelity section". Everything that comes out of your wife's mouth at this point is BS, and you also shouldn't really involve your sister-in-law in all this, she's already given you enough of a head start in my opinion.

If you want to see how far they've gone; calm down, act cool, pretend it's all alright, that you trust her, believe her, while you do your own snooping to get the truth. Unfortunately, I doubt you will find the truth any other way, not even from her sister, especially considering she kept it to herself for this long - she's still your wife's sister, remember that.

Regardless, whether this is a physical OR emotional affair - your wife has breached your trust. If she's not willing to own up to it, not remorseful, not willing to do whatever it takes to earn your trust back, she's not worth keeping, unless of course you're fine being a cuckold. Forgive her now, and she'll keep cheating, and may end up being bolder next time.

Unless she faces the consequences of her actions she will not change her ways. It is unfortunate that these consequences may have to involve the possibility of divorce and seperation. Sorry mate, it's not good news, but that's just how it is.

As you said, she is unremorseful.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Thanks for the reply. All of this just went down tonight. Reason I say she seems unremorseful is because after being confronted and her somewhat coming clean she never apologized or anything. I mentioned counseling and she said she would be up for that. The details or lack thereof are really bothering me. I really want to know how long and far this thing went so I might try what you suggest to see if I can find that out cause it's eating me up on the inside. 

She claims it stopped a couple months ago but I don't know that I believe that. It sucks cause our marriage seemed to be improving a little bit and then I find out about this.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, with zero sex/zero affection/zero hugs for 1.5 years, I'm surprised you didn't see this coming...

She probably feels justified, hence her lack of remorse. Personally though, I wouldn't forgive an unremorseful cheater, but that's just me. There's also a high possibility that she isn't coming clean, especially considering the lack of details; she's feeding you lies and half-truths to cover up her affair.

It's entirely possible that she stopped it a couple of months ago when you two began to work on your marriage but regardless of that, you can NOT allow her to remain unremorseful in this regard and you can NOT allow her to justify her dishonesty and breach of trust. 

Remember, she may have gone without sex for over a year, but so have YOU. No excuses from her, don't allow it.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

As her husband, you should have access to emails and Internet passwords and look whenever you feel is necessary. You didn't do anything wrong by reading her email. If she flipped out on you because you read her emails, cell phone, chat logs, ect... Then she's hiding something. 

I would also suspect an affair. It's been 1.5 years since your marriage started to fall apart, maybe that's when she first started the affair/s. 

If your wife is treating you this way and acting so cold for so long, why is she still living with you? Is she using you as a paycheck too? What she's doing to you is along the lines of emotional abuse. 

Good luck with whatever happens. If I were you I'd be investigating more to see what's going on. Check her computer history, emails and social networking if you can. Also check her phone texts. If she locked her phone, then demand her to unlock it. Stick to your guns and don't allow her to treat you as a doormat. You deserve to be respected.

My husband and I hide nothing from each other. We have full transparency and full access to passwords even though we fully trust each other.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

This sounds exactly like my friends situation. The only difference is he slept on his couch for two years. She would only talk to him when other people were around. He was never given a real explanation for it. She would only say that I'm just not attracted to you anymore. She also refused counseling. 

The only advice I can give you is don't do what he did. He never bothered to find out if there was anyone else. He also gave her everything she wanted in the divorce. Poor guy can barely support himself now. He basically just rolled over and went away. 

If its been as long as you say, I'm not optimistic that she can ever really turn her feelings for you back on (maybe at this point you really don't care either), but you should at least get to the bottom of it. Don't let her shame you into oblivion just for wanting the truth.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

My suggestion, move your post to coping with infidelity.

The first set of suggestions would be to put a keylogger on her phone and computer, and a voice activated recorder in her car.

This way you find out the extent of what you are dealing with. Prepare yourself that you only now are seeing the tip of the iceberg.

I would not be asking for counseling.

I would be asking if she is prepared to stop communicating with him and working on your marriage. IF she answers no, then move back into your bed, see a lawer and file for divorce. IF she answers yes, then set up counseling


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why were you sleeping on the couch? Was that her idea or yours? Can't have much of a marriage with you on the couch. Sounds like you guys got together really young, and those matches have a low long term success rate. Young people are immature and grow a lot through the teens and early to mid 20's and it sounds like maybe you two have grown apart? In any case, if she's unremorseful there's not much you can do besides separate yourself from the situation so she can see what she's going to lose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

This may sound cold, but in the end, ask yourself if you really want to save your marriage. To paraphrase one of our men in Vietnam: you have to be willing to destroy it in order to save it. Look up the "180" to see what I am talking about.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Get this book ASAP Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

read what RandomDude has a written a few times, spot on.

Get a mod to move this to the coping with infidelity section and read the newbie link at the bottom of my post, really take the time to read it, will help you come up with a plan...Bottom line she has to go 100% no contact with this POSOM, she said they got a little to close, what more do you need?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You don't need to move this to coping with infidelity. Her little infatuation with her coworker is not your problem. The fact that your wife has left you is the problem. The fact that she doesn't love you any more, if she ever did.

Do the 180. It's for YOU. She's gone. And nothing's gonna' bring her back.

You have a long life you can still live. Find someone who can love you to share it with. 

I don't give a crap about walk-away wives. Look at the Neanderthals they fall out of love with. I'd be walking too. But I'd like to think I'd have the balls to tell my spouse it's happened. That's the part of WAW's that burns my ass.


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

Expendable

I echo the advice to get this moved.

I just want to point out that the first thing you need to do is remove the word "only" from your head. This is/was an affair and you have just found out that EA's can be as much of a betrayal as PA's. Don't discount your situation because it hasn't gone physical( and you may find later that it has). Don't let her discount it either.

I am sorry you are here.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Everything you need to know from the coping with infidelity section can be found right here. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...one-interested-evidence-gathering-thread.html

Just stay right here to figure out if it's possible to win your wife back after she's left.

I'll give you my vote for "no" again and move on.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

MrK said:


> You don't need to move this to coping with infidelity. Her little infatuation with her coworker is not your problem. The fact that your wife has left you is the problem. The fact that she doesn't love you any more, if she ever did.
> 
> Do the 180. It's for YOU. She's gone. And nothing's gonna' bring her back.
> 
> ...


I didn't want to say this but I concur. Highly unlikely that she will ever check back into the relationship. In my friend's case his wife even acknowledged that he didn't do anything wrong. She just all of a sudden found him to be in her words "repulsive".


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

As a spouse you should call her out as a liar and demand full transparency. Full access to all emails, texts... and his name... If she refuses, I think it tells you she is done with the relationship and waiting for the right time for either of you to leave.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

ReformedHubby said:


> ...she just all of a sudden found him to be in her words "repulsive".


My wife has never said I've repulsed her. But I know that...

A - It's a common with walkaways.
B - She wouldn't tell me anyhow.

Talk about hard to take.

3 years ago, infidelity would have crushed my soul. Destroyed my very being. Today I'd just be pissed that she didn't let me do the same. Otherwise, I wouldn't care. OP, you need to get to where I am today.

You want to go to coping with infidelity? Be my guest. You need to deal with her infidelity. The pain of it. You don't need to go all James Bond. More importantly, you need to begin mourning the demise of your marriage. The loss of your wife. You need closure? Understood; I do too. So just stay in that one spying thread I posted a few back. But you need to deal with the end of your marriage. 

Until I finally hear otherwise from those that HAVE turned it around after serious emotional disconnect, I'm sticking with "they don't come back".

Start preparing yourself mentally anyway. She could be repulsed by you. Start accepting it. And keep your questions related to it here in the general section. You need to hear from all sorts of walk-aways of both genders to see if you can win your wife back. You know what I think.

Good Luck. You're young.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

I agree with most of what's been said. My sister in law and I talked and she gave me a little more information about how it started and the like. I stayed at a hotel room last night to clear my head and the wife was constantly trying to check in with me and whatnot. I'm not giving up on her just yet. I know some will think I'm crazy but I figure we will have a talk today and see what's to come and if she is willing to at least try.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Be careful in this talk. It's essential that you are not weak. She must earn the right to keep her marriage. Don't beg plead or cry.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

Your story is the same as mine, minus the infidelity, and mine went on a LOT longer than yours. But the freezing out and seeming not to care/not a problem to her was the same.

She is now 2-1/2 years in my rearview mirror. I just regret I didn't pull the plug sooner.

She has already left you. All you need to really do is cross the "Ts" and dot the "I's".


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

This may taste a little bitter, but it will be good for you. Swallow it all down.



theexpendable said:


> So I'm 31 and my wife just turned 30.


This age is pretty much maximum libido for most women: ages 28-45. Mother Nature wants to ramp up the babymaking before the onset of infertility. Body clock stuff. 



theexpendable said:


> We have been married for almost 5 years and have a 2 and a half year old kid. We've actually been together for 14 years.


Some researchers claim that 4 years and 12 years into a relationship are key danger points for an affair. Previously, 7 and 14 years were often cited: Seven Year Itch. I guess things are speeding up.



theexpendable said:


> The last year and a half have been the worst year of my life. My wife became drastically reserved and cold towards me.


So, this started at around year 12 (see above) of the relationship. The sudden freeze out was the point at which she first copulated with another man and you failed to notice anything. It may be this guy, or it may have been someone else. 

She figures if you were her true soulmate, you would have sensed a disturbance in The Force and come down on her and the interloper. A man is _"supposed to know"_ automatically, see? Your failure to do so means you are an imposter and not worthy of her. This is how their minds work, although she's not even aware of it. Seriously. Female attraction is a function of the limbic brain, not the rational pre-frontal cortex. She has to vaguely rationalize her actions (all non-sense) to make her limbic controlled sexual responses harmonize with her "morality." The so-called "Rationalization Hamster" is the not so humorously named mechanism for this.



theexpendable said:


> We haven't had sex/kissed/hugged anything in this year and a half.


She's hugely turned off by you due to your failing to even suspect you're being cuckolded. There is also an element of being true to her new man. 



theexpendable said:


> Our communication broke down and time and time again she never would tell me what the problem was.


For good reason, wouldn't you say?



theexpendable said:


> I've also been sleeping on the couch this entire time as well.


Ouch. This passivity lowers your sex rank in her eyes even more. Tolerating this kind of misbehavior is self-defeating in the battle of the sexes.



theexpendable said:


> Any time I tried to get her to open up she would just say she knows she has changed but that's what people do.


Well, it's what women do when they're getting their ashes hauled by an Alpha Chimp and the husband is clueless. Now understand, I know you can't be a mind reader and we're all supposed to trust our wives. This is just the best thing her rationalization hamster can spin up to justify her behavior.




theexpendable said:


> So to make a long story short she had left her email open and I started looking through it because I knew something was up and wanted answers since she wasn't going to say anything ever. I find some emails basically saying that she had been talking and getting interested in a coworker. I didn't have time to look through them all because she busted me so I didn't get the whole story.


_*She*_ busted _*you*_? Man, you've got it way backwards. Really? Look, you need to get your testosterone checked. Don't worry about your investigative failure, if she didn't fook this guy, she fooked someone else. Her actions and attitude betray her.



theexpendable said:


> I confronted her and she sort of blew it off like it was nothing.


Well, she's had at least a year and a half to think about how to handle you.



theexpendable said:


> I got pissed and left and called her sister because we are really tight and she knows what I've been going through.


You're not that tight. Blood is thicker than water, to coin a phrase.



theexpendable said:


> Come to find out she has known and didn't say a damn word to me but she wouldn't tell me much other than she knew my wife had feelings for this guy.


See what I mean? Your SIL can probably give you the OM's length and width, as well. Women talk about this affair stuff with at least one member of their inner circle.



theexpendable said:


> So I get back home and confront her and she says nothing ever happened just they got a little too close and were emailing/txt/phone more than they should have. This infuriated me and I consider this cheating.


You would have really been infuriated if she told you the extent of her adulteries, so she didn't. "Cheating" with texts? Umm, no. It's adultery with genitalia.



theexpendable said:


> She still isn't telling me everything so I'm going to try and get her sister to tell me more.


Knock yourself out, but she probably won't give up much more than she has already. Your WW is already pissed at her most likely. Even though the SIL kept the main secrets, she should have denied all. Your SIL isn't going to do much more to help you.



theexpendable said:


> Counseling may or may not be an option as I'm finding this really hard to get over and she doesn't seem remorseful. Also, really thinking about confronting the guy via FB message since he doesn't live in my town. Any ideas?


No, don't confront the POSOM unless you're ready to deliver a beat down. Anything less puts you in an inferior position. How did they meet if he doesn't live in your town? 



theexpendable said:


> Reason I say she seems unremorseful is because after being confronted and her somewhat coming clean she never apologized or anything. I mentioned counseling and she said she would be up for that.


She's dragging things out. Act like you're buying into her pitch that it was no big deal and without saying it, act like you want to rugsweep the affair. Get your monitoring hardware and software into place and run an investigation on her.



theexpendable said:


> The details or lack thereof are really bothering me. I really want to know how long and far this thing went so I might try what you suggest to see if I can find that out cause it's eating me up on the inside.


You know when it started; when she started up the ice queen act. It went all the way. More than once or more than one guy over an 18 month period. 



theexpendable said:


> She claims it stopped a couple months ago but I don't know that I believe that. It sucks cause our marriage seemed to be improving a little bit and then I find out about this.


She's lying. It's still not over.



theexpendable said:


> I agree with most of what's been said. My sister in law and I talked and she gave me a little more information about how it started and the like. I stayed at a hotel room last night to clear my head and the wife was constantly trying to check in with me and whatnot.


Standard behavior for WWs when you show you have options and aren't afraid to move on. The more you project that hard assed no-nonsense-will-be-tolerated, the more you trigger their limbic attraction system. The more you move away, the more she will follow.



theexpendable said:


> I'm not giving up on her just yet. I know some will think I'm crazy but I figure we will have a talk today and see what's to come and if she is willing to at least try.


How did that go?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Find ll you can about the OM, you have no hope of saving your marriage while he is around.

Your #1 goal right now is to drive him off.

Find if he has a wife or gf. Exposé the affair to her.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Machiavelly says it all, actually.

She is banging her 'real' man. You have a small chance.

Only if you listen to people like Machiavelli, go to the CWI forum and man up.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Kind of have 2 threads headed the same way in different forums right now but I'll answer here as well. So we had another talk saturday night. They were coworkers but she changed jobs back in Fall of last year. She claims that's when it started as he was emailing to see how things were going and whatnot with the new job. His wife had a PA with someone and they have 2 young kids. Says they would both confide in one another with their marital problems. She says it basically grew from that to txting and phone calls. She swears up and down it was never physical and I actually did some investigative work when she would leave the house and her stories always checked when I could find evidence. I know that's not saying alot. He called her on her bday this year couple months ago and said happy bday and that he loved her. I'm jsut wondering how a email/txt friendship gets to that level of dude saying he loves her. I asked her straight up if she ever loved him she says no. 

I need details to move past this and she won't give me any. She hasn't even deleted him from her FB friends even after I have said something. That sounds like she still wants to keep her "friendship". Since the talks she has been super wife. Knocking out loads of laundry, cooking, cleaning, talking my ear off and hovering. I am searching for a MC at the moment to get a session this week.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You are sending her underground. STOP IT!

Sony ICDPX312 VAR. Best Buy has them. Dont settle for less!!!!! The sony is 50 dollars. The 30 dollar ones are poo.
Install one: Under her car seat attached with heavy duty velcro from Walmart. ATTACH IT FIRMLY.
Use Audacity a free program from the net to remove engine noise etc. You can bring up voices, remove background noise etc. Ive used it in VAR work for other men and it works very well.
Install the other: wherever she talks in the house.

You have approximately a 80% chance of an EA and 33% chance of a full fvcking affair (PA) STEEL YOUR MIND TO THIS POSSIBILITY!!! ***DO NOT*** accuse her of more than you know and can prove she has done.
VERY IMPORTANT: If you are listening to a VAR and you hear another man get into her car or in your home... STOP LISTENING and have a trusted friend listen for you. KNOWING your wife is cheating will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will kill you 100 times over!!!!

Get a keylogger and get her email pw. crtl-c copy then crtl v all relevant emails onto Word.

I would do this for 3 weeks. If you get nothing. Go dormant for 6 months or any new red flags.

She may well have a burner phone. Just do the var thing. If she starts going out more get the ezoom gps from radio shack.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Thanks for the advice man. I will get on that asap.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

A couple of things….
You are not going to nice her back or compete with the OM so don’t try, the problem is her not you.

You need to put your foot down and blow this up as big as necessary. She is trying to minimize and doesn’t think this is divorce worthy, you need to let her know it is (whether you mean it or not).

Not only is she to kick the OM from FB but she needs to block him as well. If not she need so sleep on the couch and if she give you lip then somewhere else. If you start tolerating her disrespecting your marriage like this she will push the boundaries more. She needs to understand that inappropriate behavior will lead to getting kick to the curb. When people cheat they usually do it if they think they can get away with it.

She is showing you that you can’t trust her so no close friends of the opposite sex, period. Your marriage is more important than guy friends and if she disagrees show her the door and tell her good luck.

She ain’t gonna like it but hopefully when she starts to understand what she is risking she will see it was for the best.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

To get your marraige back you have to come up with the criteria for what a marriage means to you and more or less demand it of your wife.

Read this again... To get the marriage you want, all you have to do is settle for nothing less than the marriage you want. It's just that simple. Your strategy for getting the marriage you want has been to tolerate a horrible marriage. Does that make any sense to you?

In the marriage you want, husbands sleep in their beds. Wives have sex with their husbands. Husbands do certain things for their wives. All pepole in the family treat each other nicely. Marriages are voluntary. Wives do not have former affiar partners as facebook friends. Wives who are interested in marriage demonstrate this through good treatment of their husbands.

Your wife will be a good wife when you hold her accountable for being one... And if you are not going to hold her accountable for being a decent wife she will conclude that you are a weak male and become repulsed by you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

theexpendable said:


> Since the talks she has been super wife. Knocking out loads of laundry, cooking, cleaning, talking my ear off and hovering.


That's nice, but being "superwife" isn't about cleaning, it is about fooking the hide off your tool. Has she done that?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Do your James Bond stuff. Truth will come soon enough.

I gave you your plan, now execute it!


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> That's nice, but being "superwife" isn't about cleaning, it is about fooking the hide off your tool. Has she done that?


Dude I lol'd at that ****. Not yet but I figure she is still testing the waters since this is all new and she's trying to win back my trust. She has been making more physical contact like brushing up against me and whatnot. I know that's not much but when you haven't had any physical activity whatsoever it's a huge step. I'm gonna lay low for a bit and see how this MC goes as we have an appointment this week. Not getting my hopes up as I don't want to be let down but time will tell and I'm all over the investigative work from here on out.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

theexpendable said:


> Dude I lol'd at that ****. Not yet but I figure she is still testing the waters since this is all new and she's trying to win back my trust. She has been making more physical contact like brushing up against me and whatnot. I know that's not much but when you haven't had any physical activity whatsoever it's a huge step. I'm gonna lay low for a bit and see how this MC goes as we have an appointment this week. Not getting my hopes up as I don't want to be let down but time will tell and I'm all over the investigative work from here on out.


Generally speaking, unless you've got legally admissible proof, or think you may soon get some, and you're in a state where you can file for cause claiming adultery, you should never turn down sex when it's being offered.


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

theexpendable said:


> I didn't have time to look through them all because she busted me so I didn't get the whole story.


I don't get why you didn't just keep reading?

So what she walked in on you I would have said "I'm not finished reading these yet, be with you shortly".


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Have you for one second asked yourself why this occurred?

This is coming from someone who has already dealt with an emotional affair and a sexless marriage.

Fact is you can end the affair... but what are you left with?
Lets say it ends.. you and your wife are still stuck. With her secretly resenting you, even more now that you took her friend away.

It would be better to get to the source of her letting her filters down to allow this to happen.... that involves you.

There are issues in your marriage just as there are in most of ours and a significant portion of that is how your wife sees you. Work the entire picture and stand up to your wife.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

The one thing I will never understand on this forum is how one goes for months into years without physical intimacy. I am on the war path after 2 weeks. 

What I have learned here is that I will confront that head on and if my wife is shutting me down I am on my way out. Period!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

theexpendable said:


> So to make a long story short she had left her email open and I started looking through it because I knew something was up and wanted answers since she wasn't going to say anything ever. I find some emails basically saying that she had been talking and getting interested in a coworker. I didn't have time to look through them all because she busted me so I didn't get the whole story. I confronted her and she sort of blew it off like it was nothing. I got pissed and left and called her sister because we are really tight and she knows what I've been going through. Come to find out she has known and didn't say a damn word to me but she wouldn't tell me much other than she knew my wife had feelings for this guy. So I get back home and confront her and she says nothing ever happened just they got a little too close and were emailing/txt/phone more than they should have. This infuriated me and I consider this cheating. She still isn't telling me everything so I'm going to try and get her sister to tell me more. I really need some advice cause I really don't know how to handle this and am very out of my mind currently.


Your first mistake was confronting too soon! If you DO NOT confront with undeniable evidence, they always use the DDD tactic: Deny, Deny, Deny. Don't worry, this is a very, very common mistake on D-Day. I also confronted without enough evidence.

Your second mistake was continuing to confront her. Look, the OM is her coworker, so this is a workplace affair. I don't mean to make you paranoid, but you need to be aware that they can have sex anywhere, parking lot sex, lunches. They can take off from work early to go somewhere. There was a thread here long ago, where the OM was complaining to the WW about why can't they do it in the elevator for goodness sakes. And I've seen where a WW will take a day off, pretend to go to work, then spend the day with her OM in a hotel. Then come home as if she came home from work. Again, this is a workplace affair: If she works with the OM, the affair will continue. This is without a doubt.

The good thing is you can recover from your earlier mistakes. Install computer monitoring software on the computer. Place a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) in her vehicle and hide it good. Use industrial strength velcro and stick it under the drivers seat if you can. If you can afford it, hire a private detective. What you've done is most likely driven the affair further underground and she now knows you are suspicious. 

What you need to find out is if the OM is married or has a girlfriend (They almost all do). Then do your investigation so that you can have undeniable proof so that you can properly confront her and expose the affair to the Other Man's Wife (OMW) or Other Man's Girl Friend (OMGF). Exposing the affair is one of the most effective tools in killing an affair. 

When you have properly confronted and exposed, if she wants to save the marriage, she MUST quit her job. This is completely non negotiable. Like I said, even if the affair is physically over, the OM will continue to be in her head if she even looks at him. No Contact (NC) cannot be maintained as long as they work together. 

Now your mission is to pretend that you believe her and think the affair is over. Because she's in the fog of affair land, where everything is lollipops and rainbows, they will not be able to resist contacting each other. They *NEED* that good morning call/text, afternoon text/call, and the good night call/text. If you are able to, depending on what model her phone is, you may be able to access the backup file. What kind of phone does she have? There are programs you can install on her phone to monitor her, but you will have to be tech saavy enough to jail break it (iPhone) or root it (Android), to install those programs.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP You ARE doing your VARS right? I cant go to Best Buy for you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Your first mistake was confronting too soon! If you DO NOT confront with undeniable evidence, they always use the DDD tactic: Deny, Deny, Deny. Don't worry, this is a very, very common mistake on D-Day. I also confronted without enough evidence.
> 
> Your second mistake was continuing to confront her. Look, the OM is her coworker, so this is a workplace affair. I don't mean to make you paranoid, but you need to be aware that they can have sex anywhere, parking lot sex, lunches. They can take off from work early to go somewhere. There was a thread here long ago, where the OM was complaining to the WW about why can't they do it in the elevator for goodness sakes. And I've seen where a WW will take a day off, pretend to go to work, then spend the day with her OM in a hotel. Then come home as if she came home from work. Again, this is a workplace affair: If she works with the OM, the affair will continue. This is without a doubt.
> 
> ...


Check his other thread. She took the affair underground


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