# Ready to go...I just can't live with him knowing what he has done



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

1 Year, 2 Months, 3 Hours, 17 Minutes, 51 Seconds, 107 Milliseconds ago he told me he cheated on me. Backstory is in my signature..and more of my story scattered throughout TAMS...

I honestly think I handled it better the few months after I found out then I am now. Now, the only time I am not overwhelmed with complete disgust and hate for him is when I am with him. But the second I set foot out of the door and he is not with me, I HATE him. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than live another day with a man that hurt me so much. 
But then, the second I talk to him on the phone or when I get home from work, I feel better again. 

It is sick and emotionally exhausting. He isn't doing anything anymore. Has not attempted to cheat in almost a year to the day. The last screwed up thing he did was contact her last April to apologize for giving her an STD scare...WTF!!!!

But, really damage done. Doesn't really matter if he tried something else again tomorrow...I am not feeling better now. I am not over any of it. Time hasn't made it any better. 

He says things like "If you keep bringng it up, we are going to have a problem." and "If you keep calling me a cheater, I might as well go be one again." 

However sorry he acted when he first told me, has long vanished. Now he is sick of hearing it, blames my emotional blow ups about it strictly on me pmsing. 

I am in love with him..or the person I fell inlove with intially, but he is gone. Sometimes I see glimmers of him and other times I just see a selfish @sshole. 

I still don't understand why sex with that tramp was worth the cost of my pain? How can someone knowing hurt someone that loves them? See...I am still asking myself the same questions now that I did when I first found out. 

I wish I could give hope to people to have found out their spouses have cheated in the last year...but I can't. It's still feels like the same Infidelity Mack Truck is running me over on a daily basis. 

I am as closer to being ready to leave him...just waiting for that one last push.


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## misty111 (Nov 13, 2012)

hi lisa, hope your feeling a little bit better and stronger, i am in a similar situation as yourself i love or maybe loved my husband more than anything also trusted him 100pc, his affair and leaving-coming back , leaving again on numerous occasions i think eventually destroys any feelings you had or still have for your husband, the respect and trust is gone, its like someone you knew is now a stranger to you, i like you love/hate/hate/love this person sometimes both at the same time, still living together in r, a joke that is for me personally, at the stage im in now is like ...go away you buck stranger i dont know you and i think you maybe are at that as well, i think if you and i both got a little push we would be gone, actually its sounds like just a matter of time before you leave to me, i hope things work out for you 
god bless


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Reconciling doesn't work for everyone; you tried. If you hadn't tried, you'd never have known the outcome. Leave him. I hate hearing cheaters say that they're 'sick of hearing it'. They should have thought of that before 'doing it'. 

Best of luck to you!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> 1 Year, 2 Months, 3 Hours, 17 Minutes, 51 Seconds, 107 Milliseconds ago he told me he cheated on me. Backstory is in my signature..and more of my story scattered throughout TAMS...
> 
> I honestly think I handled it better the few months after I found out then I am now. Now, the only time I am not overwhelmed with complete disgust and hate for him is when I am with him. But the second I set foot out of the door and he is not with me, I HATE him. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than live another day with a man that hurt me so much.
> But then, the second I talk to him on the phone or when I get home from work, I feel better again.
> ...


You tried and thats all that matters. I told myself I couldnt leave until I had left no stone unturned....here I am still turning stones and theres not even a worm under them! 

Does he know how close you are to leaving?


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I was contemplating leaving in September but I had this moment with him where he told me he loved me. I thought to myself that I didn't want to those words from anyone but him for the rest of my life. So I abandon the leaving idea. Keep trying to suck it up everyday. 

I told him last night that I don't think I will ever stop hating him for cheating. His barely looked away from his phone and said "OK." I started crying again and he *****ed "What do you want me to say, I can't change anything." 

No you can't...and I don't think you would if you could. F'ing b*stard. So close...wish I was stronger. Wish I didn't love him.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

It's a bit scary to see you like this, I can literally feel the pain.

Maybe you should finish the process of letting him go and get ready to divorce him. Doing this may bring you to a place, where you have "stomacked" the fact that you are with him, because you *choose* to be with him disregarded flaws and mistakes. Making the choice will make it possible for you to forgive yourself for being with him, and thereby forgive him for his actions.

Don't know if it makes any sense, but it has helped me to think this way. Not that I don't think about divorce anymore, but the level of confidence and clarity makes it easier to cope with.

Best wishes for you.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

That is exactly what staying has felt like sometimes...that I am stomaching it. I am forcing something down my throat and it is choking me every step of the way. 

Those are the off days of the week. I feel okay on the even days. 

I want him, but I don't. I don't want anyone else to have him...so I don't kick him out. If I am going to be miserable with what he has done, might as well make him miserable with me. It nearly impossible now for him to go out screwing around..or better yet, make him single which is what I think he really wants. He has no money of his own, no job and no car. 

I feel like a massochist. Punishing myself by punishing him. 

I feel crazy. I want to believe he has changed and he won't do this ever again...but I also don't care about the future because damage done!!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Lisa, I think it's time to let him go, if not by physically moving on then certainly by emotionally separating from him.
Start implementing the 180, it will help you to protect your emotions and assist you in letting him go.

It doesn't sound like H is acting the way he should be if he truly wants to R with you. He should be doing all the heavy lifting here. A year out from Dday now, you should both be starting to move on and heal. It doesn't sound like that's happening!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> I feel like a massochist. Punishing myself by punishing him.
> 
> I feel crazy. I want to believe he has changed and he won't do this ever again...but I also don't care about the future because damage done!!


I have looked through this and some of your other threads you started.

Please don't give yourself a "Life Sentence of emotional pain" GET AWAY FROM THIS GUY.

I can guarantee you your children feel the tension in your home. They don't understand the words they hear, but their emotions feel them

They deserve a home without this. How much do you love those kids?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> I was contemplating leaving in September but I had this moment with him where he told me he loved me. I thought to myself that I didn't want to those words from anyone but him for the rest of my life. So I abandon the leaving idea. Keep trying to suck it up everyday.
> 
> I told him last night that I don't think I will ever stop hating him for cheating. His barely looked away from his phone and said "OK." I started crying again and he *****ed "What do you want me to say, I can't change anything."
> 
> No you can't...and I don't think you would if you could. F'ing b*stard. So close...wish I was stronger. Wish I didn't love him.


I seriously think I could be you!


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

I dont think they realise how tight those demons hang on to us.

I feel for you honey.... I personally couldn't do it. I chose not to even try. Because I doubt I could trust again.

How to get past it? I would be detaching hardcore.

Let him see you indifferent..let him see you become whole without him. 

Watch him then.


love strength and peace to you.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> 1 Year, 2 Months, 3 Hours, 17 Minutes, 51 Seconds, 107 Milliseconds ago he told me he cheated on me. Backstory is in my signature..and more of my story scattered throughout TAMS...
> 
> I honestly think I handled it better the few months after I found out then I am now. Now, the only time I am not overwhelmed with complete disgust and hate for him is when I am with him. But the second I set foot out of the door and he is not with me, I HATE him. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than live another day with a man that hurt me so much.
> But then, the second I talk to him on the phone or when I get home from work, I feel better again.
> ...


I feel for you!! I am in the same boat....1 year 3 months from DDay. I put my divorce on hold for the last 2 months and I just can't do it anymore. I had my last push when I asked him for the password to his moneygram account and he wouldn't give it to me. I wanted to match up the money he took out of his checking to the amount he said he sent to his parents out of the country. That was it for me!! I am done living with a liar, a cheat, and a self-absorbed a$$hole. I don't think there is such thing as Reconciliation!!! At least for me, as I will never ever trust him again. This last year of my life has been hell. 

If he is making comments like ""If you keep bringng it up, we are going to have a problem." and "If you keep calling me a cheater, I might as well go be one again"...he is not remorseful. I'd think twice about staying.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Lisa, You have to tell yourself that there is nothing wrong with still loving him, but leaving him because he does not love you. You are simply the better person here. That's it. A lot of us here, myself included, fell in love with people who were not good to us, and did not respect us back. Leave this person NOW, move on with your life, and will eventually find a good person to share your life with.


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

We are 1 year and 2 weeks from Dday.... I still feel anger and hate. I don't like to say it, but I have told him. He is completely remorseful and has done the heavy lifting, but I have changed. This experience has changed me and how I feel about myself when I am with him. I have felt insecure before- but nothing like this. I have all the passwords to his accounts, but feel like I should not have to (and honestly don't want to) be checking. I never felt like I needed to before and I do not want to live feeling paranoid. 
I love him and I know we can be happy, even happier than we were before- but that would be if we had just had a big fight and now we are making up. This is the one thing I always told myself and him (before we married) that I could NEVER get over. I know my personality, I know me. We have been married almost 16 years, have 3 children... but I am still young and have much life left to live. I just need to decide how I will feel living under this shadow. 
Sorry but that b*tch used him, he was using her.... he chose that over me. I can't get past that. They are both active miliary, she wanted help building her career and he wanted attention while deployed. I think he had that young kid mentality- I would rather her give me attention than someone else. WTH????
I am over it in my head, but my heart won't let go. My mind keeps telling my heart to get over it and remember how it feels to be broken. This is the worst thing I could ever imagine and I am so sorry you are feeling so torn, I know what you are going through.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is blaming you for his cheating? The bloody nerve of him!


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## grizzly88 (Dec 10, 2012)

has he lost his mind.


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## grizzly88 (Dec 10, 2012)

how do i start a new post


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

'Now, the only time I am not overwhelmed with complete disgust and hate for him is when I am with him. But the second I set foot out of the door and he is not with me, I HATE him.'

Oh boy, do i recognize that statement. it's like when you are with them you remember why you love them, as soon as you are apart all the anger comes flooding back about what they are doing to you. i'm right with you.

Go, find a way to heal the hurt. But first stop the hurt. Leave. (and i guess i'm also talking to myself)


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Sorry... but I also think it is time to walk. You can't be responsible for what he did, and if you can't see yourself building a future what is the point? If you file, you could always back out but as of now, it seems like the appropriate decision.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Thanks everyone...I shake my head at members here who are in bad situations like mine, sometimes worse and all I think is "Why are they still there."..well duh, same reason I am still here. 

I have started therapy, not sure if I like the guy or not. I will say it has been a good week for me mentally. He has been good, attentive, affectionate. He has actually said "I'm sorry" on two occasions last week that I was very down about everything. He insists we will be okay because we do love eachother. A huge part of me believes him, but I still have my doubts. I will always have my doubts. Next week, I could be ready to pack his bags. Who knows.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

oncehisangel said:


> I dont think they realise how tight those demons hang on to us.
> 
> I feel for you honey.... I personally couldn't do it. I chose not to even try. Because I doubt I could trust again.
> 
> ...


When I am having a bad day, I do detach. I keep my distance. He notices. Sometimes he kicks it into high gear, sometimes he keeps his own distance. 

I have started kickboxing classes, so I am home a little less. I have a thing to keep my mind busy.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

newlife94 said:


> We are 1 year and 2 weeks from Dday.... I still feel anger and hate. I don't like to say it, but I have told him. He is completely remorseful and has done the heavy lifting, but I have changed. This experience has changed me and how I feel about myself when I am with him. I have felt insecure before- but nothing like this. I have all the passwords to his accounts, but feel like I should not have to (and honestly don't want to) be checking. I never felt like I needed to before and I do not want to live feeling paranoid.
> I love him and I know we can be happy, even happier than we were before- but that would be if we had just had a big fight and now we are making up. This is the one thing I always told myself and him (before we married) that I could NEVER get over. I know my personality, I know me. We have been married almost 16 years, have 3 children... but I am still young and have much life left to live. I just need to decide how I will feel living under this shadow.
> Sorry but that b*tch used him, he was using her.... he chose that over me. I can't get past that. They are both active miliary, she wanted help building her career and he wanted attention while deployed. I think he had that young kid mentality- I would rather her give me attention than someone else. WTH????
> I am over it in my head, but my heart won't let go. My mind keeps telling my heart to get over it and remember how it feels to be broken. This is the worst thing I could ever imagine and I am so sorry you are feeling so torn, I know what you are going through.


Yup...that is me too. I am not the easy going, super nice, willing to bend over backwards person I was anymore. I am more cynical, harder...I argue more with him. He has noticed. He doesn't like the change. It's his own damn fault. 

I wonder, if they could see exactly how this would be affecting us today, would they still do it if given the chance for a do over?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Im sorry you feel the way you do but I understand it. Over the last week I have started looking at my husband and instead of thinking about how much I love him when I look at him, I think about how little he loves me.

Its the worst feeling in the world!!


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If he's essentially just telling you to get over it, then he isn't helping you get past what he did. Helping you move past these issues is part of his clean up job because its part if the mess he made. Shutting down and not dealing with it is t helpful and it will just make you feel more isolated. 

Be blunt. Tell him that his inability to really talk to you about what he did to you is making you resent him in a pretty big way and its making you want to leave the marriage. If he steps up to the plate, then you gave a chance. Marriage counseling might help. If he does t, then don't feel guilty for leaving. He broke his vows. You have him a second chance. He didn't make the most of it and you weren't happy with this new dynamic. Many marriages do not survive R attempts. You have it your best and it is okay to be done with Jim if it didn't work out.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Im sorry you feel the way you do but I understand it. Over the last week I have started looking at my husband and instead of thinking about how much I love him when I look at him, I think about how little he loves me.
> 
> Its the worst feeling in the world!!


Yes. This feeling sucks.


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## Jason439 (Jul 16, 2012)

I'm going through these exact same things myself. I did have hope we could work things out until I discovered she is having an affair. 

Doing what she has been accusing me of! This is a huge betrayal and I cannot get past it. 

I can definitely relate to the emotional roller coaster you are on. I think about how happy my life will be when I'm on my own. It helps get me through the tough days.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Nevermind, I am done. 

I was happy this morning. I was good. 

Than I log into his facebook and check his messages. He is messaging back and forth with my son's aunt. (My son has a different father). She can't chat in facebook and gives her his number. She is married, I trust her..so I don't really care that she did this. Anyway, the phone log shows they talked for almost 30 minutes. This would have been the first time they talk on the phone, he has never met her face to face. 

He calls me and I wait for him to tell me that they chatted. He doesn't. I tell him "Tammy is texting me, I wonder what she wants?" all he says is "Oh" and tells me is going to get off the phone now. 

Red flag. Why wouldn't he tell me that he talked on the phone with her? I wouldn't have cared. 

She tells me what they talked about. Nothing alarming, but I wasn't concerned about that to begin with. 

I text him and ask him why he didn't tell me he talked to her on the phone. He said he wasn't sure if I would get mad. 

I told him, relationship 101, if you are about to do something your afraid your partner is going to be upset about, don't do it. 

I told him that now I am questioning everything all over again. Wondering what else he is hiding, who else is he talking too..

I won't live like this again. Even if he was just simply being stupid and wasn't trying to be shady, I will always doubt him. 

It is over as of tonight. No more. 

Sorry for the rambling, I am not sure if any of that made sense. I am just so mad right now.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> Im sorry you feel the way you do but I understand it. *Over the last week I have started looking at my husband and instead of thinking about how much I love him when I look at him, I think about how little he loves me.*
> Its the worst feeling in the world!!


Yes it is..the worst feeling. You feel like a fool and unloved. Why isn't our love enough to keep our men faithful? Why is our pain worth their roll in the hay with wh**es?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I noticed that both you and LetDown give great advice and counsel to others. Yet .... 

Okay. You have a plan. Implementing is going to be the test.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I have been through bloody h3ll with my WW. Terrible pain, total destruction of my self worth and sense of purpose. We have a couple of kids so the thought of ending the marriage literally HORRIFIED me.

Had my first court appearance in divorce court a couple of days ago and the reality that is over has finally hit me. Especially after hearing a judge declare "This marriage is OVER".

I haven't felt this good for over a year.

Just sayin'.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> 1 Year, 2 Months, 3 Hours, 17 Minutes, 51 Seconds, 107 Milliseconds ago he told me he cheated on me. Backstory is in my signature..and more of my story scattered throughout TAMS...
> 
> I honestly think I handled it better the few months after I found out then I am now. Now, the only time I am not overwhelmed with complete disgust and hate for him is when I am with him. But the second I set foot out of the door and he is not with me, I HATE him. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than live another day with a man that hurt me so much.
> But then, the second I talk to him on the phone or when I get home from work, I feel better again.
> ...


My wife left me, and I don't blame her one bit. 

I did not tell her to get over it, or we wouldn't work. I knew that would be an insane thing to say to someone I hurt so badly over nothing but a fantasy sex life. 

I am sorry your husband is such a jerk, or at least acting like a jerk. I wish my wife was as understanding as you. She left.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

remorseful strayer said:


> My wife left me, and I don't blame her one bit.
> 
> I did not tell her to get over it, or we wouldn't work. I knew that would be an insane thing to say to someone I hurt so badly over nothing but a fantasy sex life.
> 
> I am sorry your husband is such a jerk, or at least acting like a jerk. I wish my wife was as understanding as you. She left.


RS, do you think you would have this much remorse about what you did if she had stayed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

Haven't seen anything about counseling...it really does help. Me, i thought my life was perfect, then i found out i was delusional. after the initial outburst on the first day, I went 'no contact' and was completely totally devastated for about 2 months. Filed for divorce. Today, 3 months later, am only somewhat upset, can function 90%, and the feeling of an open wound in my stomach is gone 90% of the time.

It ain't easy....but I figured that I knew I'd never trust him again, and did I want this to resurface again, in 5 years? 10 years? And then go thru it again anyway? That would be 10 years of an oozing wound in my stomach. I'll cut my losses. It sucks. It isn't fair. I am losing everything. And i mean everything. But it is probably inevitable anyway, so I'll get it over NOW. 

Hope you can come to peace, it will still hurt but it will end.


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## Leuven (Oct 1, 2012)

This is so freaky, how we all feel.
and scary, that despite people love each other and try to work it out both, it still can/will fail
My partner really works on it, is open and is back the man I missed so long, but still, I feel the pain, even physical heart pain, and wonder will it ever go.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Leuven said:


> This is so freaky, how we all feel.
> and scary, that despite people love each other and try to work it out both, it still can/will fail
> My partner really works on it, is open and is back the man I missed so long, but still, I feel the pain, even physical heart pain, and wonder will it ever go.


Leuven, I don't think so. Honestly, they broke the foundation of our relationships and depending the circumstances surrounding the betrayal...sometimes it's too much. 

I can't try anymore. I am tired of being dissapointed.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> RS, do you think you would have this much remorse about what you did if she had stayed?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I ended the relationship immediately upon discovery, and I do think it would have been a good enough wake up call. 

My wife divorcing me is an extra jolt, and most likely it is the best sort of wake up call. 

But it is not a good idea to ONLY THREATEN divorce, only FILE if you really are dead set on a divorce. 

Do not use divorce as a bargaining chip. File because you are mad as hell and done, or will only return if your spouse woos you back. 

My spouse has left a small opening by telling me that if I can find a way to make her feel special again, she may reunite. 

I am not counting on it, but hoping for it. 

I was wrong, and I don't blame her if she can never trust me ever again enough to be with me again.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Leuven said:


> This is so freaky, how we all feel.
> and scary, that despite people love each other and try to work it out both, it still can/will fail
> My partner really works on it, is open and is back the man I missed so long, but still, I feel the pain, even physical heart pain, and wonder will it ever go.


:iagree:

My H is doing all that can be expected, but it just isn't enough. 

The physical pain in my heart, well it seems to be getting worse...it feels like its killing me.....s..l..o..w..l..y!

Part of me wants it over,and part of me wants to try longer to fix things....we love each other...but somehow, even seeing him begging for another chance, doesn't move me like it should do....feel like the damage he caused was just too much....I don't feel I can ever get over what he did or forgive him. 

Stupid as it sounds now, but I thought we would grow old together, thought only death would separate us, was never a question in my mind, never a seconds thought we would ever separate.....not one second in twenty years! I thought he was my soul mate.


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## N_chanted (Nov 11, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> I ended the relationship immediately upon discovery, and I do think it would have been a good enough wake up call.
> 
> My wife divorcing me is an extra jolt, and most likely it is the best sort of wake up call.
> 
> ...


I have been reading this thread, and quite honestly it has brought me to tears. Most of it could have been written by me, including my feelings and the pain.

I've hoped and prayed for a long time that my WH cared enough to try to work things out. I moved out and left him a small opening to find a way (if he could) to make me special to him. And that's where we are. I really think he is expecting me to come back to him.

I guess I have a rather lengthy post to pen, about my intro.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

BrokenHearted_kitten said:


> I have been reading this thread, and quite honestly it has brought me to tears. Most of it could have been written by me, including my feelings and the pain.
> 
> I've hoped and prayed for a long time that my WH cared enough to try to work things out. I moved out and left him a small opening to find a way (if he could) to make me special to him. And that's where we are. I really think he is expecting me to come back to him.
> 
> I guess I have a rather lengthy post to pen, about my intro.


Please post your story


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## Leuven (Oct 1, 2012)

Gemgo, Lisa,

so sorry. I am still in pain, but still belive in the fact of my husband being a good man, who made a serious mistake and suffers from as much as I do. He realises that he in first instance did not cheat on me or the kids, but he cheated upon himself.
What happened will never go away. And the pain I have is bad, and often I just want to run of, to escape from it. 
But I am lucky here, that my partner reacts different than yours.
If my partner would be acting like yours, I would have kicked him out, even with a bleeding heart. And my tears are dripping down now for you both, as you are not only feeling the pain from the affaire, but also missing the repair actions from his side.

I know you cannot control who you love, but can control/decide if you want to give that love to a person


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Leuven said:


> Gemgo, Lisa,
> 
> so sorry. I am still in pain, but still belive in the fact of my husband being a good man, who made a serious mistake and suffers from as much as I do. He realises that he in first instance did not cheat on me or the kids, but he cheated upon himself.
> What happened will never go away. And the pain I have is bad, and often I just want to run of, to escape from it.
> ...


Hi, my H is doing everything he can to make right what he did wrong. My issue isn't how he is R. He is doing all the heavy lifting, talking, listening....transparency, informed bosses no conferences, no nights away from home and the reasons....my point in posting....even H doing everything he can do, physically and emotionally can't make right what he got so badly wrong. I know he is a good man who made stupid choices at certain times in our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Leuven (Oct 1, 2012)

gemjo said:


> Hi, my H is doing everything he can to make right what he did wrong. My issue isn't how he is R. He is doing all the heavy lifting, talking, listening....transparency, informed bosses no conferences, no nights away from home and the reasons....my point in posting....even H doing everything he can do, physically and emotionally can't make right what he got so badly wrong. I know he is a good man who made stupid choices at certain times in our marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Gemjo, how long ago is this for you?
I deal with triggers every minute of the day, as the nice lady lives 5 doors from ours. Every time I see my kids, I know/remember how she used them, but I am not willing to give up a good man. And I am as hell not going to let her win the game she set up. She has been working on him for more then a year, making up her story and her virtual world to drag him and my kids into.
I do understand the damage and hurt and pain, and realise that you, I will always carry this with us. But being alone to deal with it, or having you H to help you, does make a difference.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Lisa,

Read your story. Can't believe you stayed this long. To be dating a year and then cheat, that should be honeymoon phase. Consider yourself extremely lucky that you found this major flaw in character so early, before you wasted all your time with him.

His actions after 1 year show major failures in character and you would be foolish to marry him after all this. Marriage will not solve your problem, it will make it worse. I would run from this man as fast as you can, you say you are in love but his actions do not show that he loves you.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

So, still together...Still on the same roller coaster. Some days I want to get off so bad and others I am thankful that I have had it in me to stay. 

Although, I am starting to have this recurring fantasy about what it would be like to wake up every morning with someone that didn't cheat on me. My fantasies are no longer about us, our future, our sex life. I fantasize about having a man who would never let me doubt his love for me. 

Obviously, I am having a bad day today. It started last night actually. Not sure why but I was remembering the phone call that should have really tipped me off to everything that was happening. I was in Arizona already for about a week 1/2 and during this conversation (he was still in Jersey) and he was just being a cold hearted bastard. Told me that he should have realized what kind of girl I was when we first started because I sent him pictures of myself...you know..the naked kind. :smthumbup:

Anyway, he told me it should have been a warning for him as to what kind of person I was. I was just sending sexy pics to a guy I really liked. I didn't think it made me immoral or ****ty. So him saying this was devastating to me. But what I didn't know is that for the last week 1/2 he had already been flirting with another girl, had told her he was in a relationship and we were expecting a baby...but she gave him her number anyway. Talk about being a hypocrite. He is putting me down as being ****ty and without morals while he is laying the ground work to take some girl to bed who didn't care he was in a relationship with someone. I mean...WTF!!!???? He called her 3 minutes after having this horrible conversation with me. 

This man cares more about not being hypocrite than anything else. And yet...he is the biggest one I know. 

On June 22, 2011 I was warned about what he was about to do...I just didn't know it. I should have known. I should have paid attention. I may have been 2400 miles away from him...but during that phone call he was acting so completely different and was belligerant. I chalked it up to his bipolar. I just never thought he would stoop as low as he did. Nor did I realize how much further he would try after he scored the first time. 

Today is just one of those days where staying isn't worth it. I tell people here to leave all the time...that is because a few months shy of 2 years since he cheated, I regret staying.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> So, still together...Still on the same roller coaster. Some days I want to get off so bad and others I am thankful that I have had it in me to stay.
> 
> Although, I am starting to have this recurring fantasy about what it would be like to wake up every morning with someone that didn't cheat on me. My fantasies are no longer about us, our future, our sex life. I fantasize about having a man who would never let me doubt his love for me.
> 
> ...


You deserve better than this.

How far along are you?


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

cantthinkstraight said:


> You deserve better than this.
> 
> How far along are you?


I had our baby December 2011. The cheating and the further attempts to cheat was going on between June 2011-Nov 2011 when we moved to Arizona for a short time. 

He hasn't attempted since our daughter was born.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

WHEW, I clicked "last page" and the first thing I saw was Cants question about how far along are you. I literally felt sick for you! I thought of all things to happen...NO!!!!!

So glad that was misread..lol

I know how you feel myself. Days have gotten better for me for the most part but I still have days, sometimes multiple days together where I just think "was it worth it"? And I still long to be with someone who I feel values me and loves me when I dont ask. 

I dont have any great words to take your pain away, I just want you to know Im 3 years in R and I still have these days. I still beat myself up over what I should have paid closer attention to. How that 3am voicemail on his phone with a song playing wasnt a butt dial from his co-worker...ugh! Hind sight is 20/20 you cant beat yourself up over it....but its hard not to!

Chin up girl, I hope your day gets better!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

So you aren't married? (Only read this part and the first post in your sig) You back in Jersey?

Run dont walk. Sigh. Hate it when I see a train wreck the other person sees the train wreck but they wont get out of the way of the train.

Sorry you are here.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> WHEW, I clicked "last page" and the first thing I saw was Cants question about how far along are you. I literally felt sick for you! I thought of all things to happen...NO!!!!!
> 
> So glad that was misread..lol
> 
> ...


LMAO!!! Hell no this girl is NOT knocked up again! I took care of that while I was on the table. 

I am sure you ask yourself the same question I do everyday...Do we love them more than the hate we have for what they did? I am still answering that with an "I don't have a f'cking clue." lol


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> So you aren't married? (Only read this part and the first post in your sig) You back in Jersey?
> 
> Run dont walk. Sigh. Hate it when I see a train wreck the other person sees the train wreck but they wont get out of the way of the train.
> 
> Sorry you are here.


No we are not married. Engaged. Have a baby together. We were supposed to be married fall of 2011, then I found out what he did. We moved back to Jersey Feb 2012.

Just because there isn't a marriage license doesn't make walking away any easier. 

I give better advice than I take. I am intolerant of cheating and tell people to run the other way all the time. I tell them to run because I know what it is to stay...and a lot of times...it is hell.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> I give better advice than I take. I am intolerant of cheating and tell people to run the other way all the time. I tell them to run because I know what it is to stay...and it a lot fo the times...it is hell.


HAHA, this couldnt have been said better!! Black and white from the outside, 50 shades of gray when you're in it! BLAH!


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> I seriously think I could be you!


I think we are all 3 kindred spirits.... Dday for me was Nov 27, 2011- there are some days I feel like I cannot look at him. Just 3 days ago, I told him to get out and that I wanted a divorce. I just cannot live with what he did and frankly do not want to. I do not deserve this and want better for myself. 

My H does all the heavy lifting, is remorseful and has done everything he should be.... yet I still have so much anger. I am disgusted by what he did and do not think the nightmare in my mind will ever go away. My friend said it is because I know too much, I found out everything! I know way too many details, if there is such a thing.... and it haunts me. If I did not know, it would haunt me. Just cannot win.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

newlife94 said:


> I think we are all 3 kindred spirits.... Dday for me was Nov 27, 2011- there are some days I feel like I cannot look at him. Just 3 days ago, I told him to get out and that I wanted a divorce. I just cannot live with what he did and frankly do not want to. I do not deserve this and want better for myself.
> 
> My H does all the heavy lifting, is remorseful and has done everything he should be.... yet I still have so much anger. I am disgusted by what he did and do not think the nightmare in my mind will ever go away. My friend said it is because I know too much, I found out everything! I know way too many details, if there is such a thing.... and it haunts me. If I did not know, it would haunt me. Just cannot win.


Well we differ in that my WH doesnt show alot of remorse and doesnt do alot of heavy lifting. Actually he hardly does any. He does what he has to do to get by until I stir up a stink then he will try harder for a couple of days....rinse and repeat!

I dont know alot of details, maybe that has been a blessing. I know he left me for many months and lived with her so I knwo they played house together. Im sure he did all the things with her that he has done with me so that was enough. I couldnt stand to hear the gory details so I didnt ask. Just know that he said "i love you" to her and hearing him say it on one occassion was enough for me. I wont ever be able to unhear those words!


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

Just read this thread and I'm shaking my head. We do such stupid things for the guys we love. No disrespect to anyone. I'm right there with you. I believe we choose to stay out of fear. 25 years ago I stayed for fear. This time ( yes I caught him again) I am making it different. Older wiser maybe. The hurt never went away from 25 years ago but we made a great life. Enjoy our time together. Staying is hard work. Not for the cheater but for those that stay you need to every day put aside what they did and make a life. You need to decide, if 25 years down the road you will be in my shoes, will you kick yourself for staying. I kick myself. With that being said I'm going to fight once again for my marriage. 30 years together means something to me.

Hope you can find the good in your partner to make your relationship work. It's not easy.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> Just because there isn't a marriage license doesn't make walking away any easier.
> 
> I give better advice than I take. I am intolerant of cheating and tell people to run the other way all the time. I tell them to run because I know what it is to stay...and a lot of times...it is hell.


LOL its OK. I see the oncoming train wreck. I try to stop them. I aint your mom so I cant really tell you what to do. 

Being a guy. We compartmentalize better than women do typically. 

Got fixed during the c section eh? smart move.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> LOL its OK. I see the oncoming train wreck. I try to stop them. I aint your mom so I cant really tell you what to do.
> 
> Being a guy. We compartmentalize better than women do typically.
> 
> Got fixed during the c section eh? smart move.


Oh I sure did. Both times I got pregnant I was on birth control :slap: so I was not taking any more chances.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Boy, bipolar sucks muchly...


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Boy, bipolar sucks muchly...


Word. 

I take it into consideration in regards to his inability to foresee consequences of his actions.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Lisa I think part of what's getting you down is the crummy weather here (I'm from your neck of the woods) and I'm having a very blue day. My h took off in January after almost 25 yrs of marriage and told me he had someone else. Then 3 weeks later I find out that he moved right in with her. I still don't know who it is or where they live (well I'm not supposed to know but I do know where they live) . I still wonder what it would have been like had he not done this at all. I also wonder why he just left & didn't want to try after all this time together. I feel especially bad because he chose to go with her instead of stay with me & our kids. I feel terrible for you. After reading what you've gone through maybe it is time for you to move forward. You know in your heart you've tried.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> Word.
> 
> I take it into consideration in regards to his inability to foresee consequences of his actions.


I'm going to say something that may sound harsh, but the problem is not him being bipolar, the problem is with you.

He is what he is, a cheating, lying, selfish a$$hole. You know this, you see this, and yet you stick around. The truth is until you get help you will always be in relationships like this.

Staying in a relationship with someone like this is a sickness, and it is something that you will need therapy to address. Something has happened to you in your life that makes it OK for you to be treated poorly and yet not do anything about it. This is not a healthy response.

If you read your thread as though someone else was typing it, you would be screaming at them to run away.

"Love" isn't a reason to stay in a toxic relationship.


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