# purpose of marriage?



## Lon

I was reading another thread about a young woman who wants to know why her BF won't propose, and I got to thinking about why I proposed to and married my stbxw.

To me, it was the ultimate long term committment, a show of faith that I knew I wanted to be with her forever, we also decided to hold back on intercourse, I'm not that religious but was raised by a strong christian mother, so was stbxw. I was proud to make vows in public and before god (as ambiguous a term as that means to me).

But it seemed really early on in our dating relationship, to me, that she was feeling uneasy that I hadn't proposed yet (less than a year). In hindsight I see it caused her a LOT of stress, I'm not sure if it was because she wanted more sexually (we held off mostly at her whim but I respected it) We were both in our mid 20's... I ended up stringing her along for a bit (ie I knew she was saddened but I wasn't ready, but thought of it as a negotiation of sorts) our engagement was only 4 months. It seems she got her way except she never accepted it, blamed me for all that internal stress she was coping with, and looking back now I wish I had more understanding about my own feelings and would rather have let her go then, in order to stand on my principles.

But now I wonder, after having been through a marriage... what really is the point of ever getting married again, and also then what is the point of marriage in the first place if it isn't about religious beliefs? I had a daydream in my head with a fictional future GF who was pushing for marriage and realizing that I probably wouldn't ever be ready, and that even if its the perfect woman the problem for me is the institute of marriage itself. I really don't see what the point was now, especially if someone who wanted to marry me so badly just checked out when her life wasn't turning out the way she expected?


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## that_girl

Good topic.

I do love being married...to my husband.


If even this marriage was to ever breakup, I wouldn't get married again.


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## LovesHerMan

Lon:

You have to grieve the end of your marriage before you can consider marrying again. Give yourself lots of time, discover your interests, and feel like you have healed emotionally before you start dating again.

The purpose of marriage is that we are so much more together than we can be alone. Take what you learned from your relationship and apply it to the next one. Your ex sounds like she did not understand relationships if she was expecting you to be responsible for her happiness.

Go slow with dating, take your time. The next relationship can be so much better. My first marriage of 3 years broke my heart, but it also humbled me and made me a much better wife to my husband. I thank God that I found him. He healed all the hurt, and I appreciate him so much more because I endured the pain of divorce.


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## Lon

LHM, I think I'm doing ok with getting over the marriage, but I am questioning what the point of it was. I definitely understand the point of committed relationships, however I'm not sure what one expects to get out of an official marriage that they can't with a committed long term monogomous common law relationship?

My guess is the religious implications are the main reason, but so many non-religious couples seem to value the importance of marriage too. There are also legal aspects, like tax benefits, family name, but it seems in more cases than not this only complicates matters when/if a marriage breaks down. I wonder if it really boils down to social conditioning? Or maybe it is just to have a wedding ceremony?

Anyways, I know I'm coming at it from a bad spot but I really do think that I'm done with weddings, marital vows and legal unification. I can see why first timers want to to the whole thing, but second timers I really wonder about...


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## LovesHerMan

I think we are hard wired to want marriage and not just a long term relationship. I read that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's kids have asked them when they are getting married.

When you are married you have a different attitude toward problems. Dr. Willard Harley talks about buyers, renters, and free loaders in relationships. If you are a buyer, you are in it for the long haul, and you work out problems together.

However, I can certainly understand that you are not ready to consider another marriage at this point in your life.


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## Kcrat

Lon~ I have been giving this subject a LOT of thought this week! So glad you started this thread. I am finding that a failed marriage is kind of like finding out there is no Santa Claus! lol. In other words, we have this "faith system" not so much from a religious standpoint, but religion certainly plays a role in most people's minds. We live our whole lives intending to "marry" for many of us.....We are to honor, cherish, never forsake, never stray.....share, love, bond, partner, parent, make love, be true, have fun, laugh, cry, work hard ......Etc., etc..............We are all buying into the "Fairy Tale" when it oftentimes just comes crumbling down for SO many of us, that we are left saying, "Why the heck would I ever do THAT again?" or...."Why the heck did I do it in the first place?" I guess to raise children is a very good reason.......But....really......What's the point? If people are going to ultimately do whatever they feel like doing, leave if they feel like it, cheat if they feel like it, be unkind if they feel like it, yada, yada, yada, what's really the point? If those children to stayed together to raise, end up heartbroken, and hurt, whats the point? In my state, there is no protection from a financial standpoint either. I have been left to worry myself SICK as to how I am going to pull this off. If it all ends up being just "one big gamble" anyway, I too question the point of it all............Of course I am still hurting, and grieving a marriage that is not yet over, but oftentimes I grieve what I never had! I feel like if I EVER attempt another relationship again, it will just end in yet another disaster...Why not just "date?" At my age, no one can really get a "bad reputation" at this point too! lol It was not my intent to offend anyone by the way


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## 4sure

Lon
Great minds think alike. I have been wondering the same thing.

Sometimes I think marriage is Gods joke on us. 
Lets' take this man and this woman who have totally different needs, are totally different ppl and put them together to get along.


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## LovesHerMan

Lon:

I have been thinking about your question again. What is the difference in these words? Girl friend. Partner. Significant other. Wife. Husband. The difference is a spiritual connection, I have a fierce love for my husband, and I would not stay with him if he was not willing to marry me. 

I want to be a wife, not a partner or significant other, A wife says that I belong to him eternally; that he will love and cherish me above all others; that he will be there for me no matter what life brings. I will not give my most precious possession, my heart, to someone who will not commit totally to me.

Marriage says to the world that this is your territory; that this ground is sacred; that you will defend it above all; that your life blood is here.

Some may feel that this is overly idealistic, but I have very strong feelings, and our love has brought me the greatest joy that I have ever known. Marriage is not for players; it is not to be entered into lightly.


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## SoxMunkey

Lon said:


> But now I wonder, after having been through a marriage... what really is the point of ever getting married again, and also then what is the point of marriage in the first place if it isn't about religious beliefs? I had a daydream in my head with a fictional future GF who was pushing for marriage and realizing that I probably wouldn't ever be ready, and that even if its the perfect woman the problem for me is the institute of marriage itself. I really don't see what the point was now, especially if someone who wanted to marry me so badly just checked out when her life wasn't turning out the way she expected?


I can completely understand what you are saying. I thought that I married my soul mate, the one true woman who would love me forever. And then one day as if she quit a job, she just left me and the kids. Now she's dating a kid who is 19 years old. She's nearly 40.

Anyway, the pain was immense for me and she did a complete 180 from who I thought that she was. We dated for 8 years and knew each other since we were teens. I guess that you never really know someone. Especially when you love them.

I have been wondering what the purpose of marriage really is. In my eyes, it is nothing more than a legal albatross. When things are good, then they are good. But when things are bad... well, they are cataclysmic! Not only are they cataclysmic, but it ends up costing you assets and lots of money.

I will certainly take every precaution that I can think about if I decide to take that trip once again... if I venture there ever again.


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## Lon

Hey DS... since starting this thread I've actually had a lot of thoughts and conversations about the subject. I realize, for me, marriage is entirely about making a family. That to me is its sole purpose and it is for a good reason too. Sure there can be loving families that don't fit that mold and I don't judge people at all for how they choose to live, but it seems that the best chance for a healthy successful family is in a committed long term, spiritual and legal marriage. There will obviously be permutations on that, but I realize there is absolutely no shame in my opinion that marriage on the macro level is the best way for families.

I'm still not sure if I ever want to marry again, largely because I don't think I ever want to have more children... but who knows maybe I'll meet some single mother with wonderful children and we will want to blend our families into a new one.


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## LovesHerMan

I hope you do, Lon. You sound like you will be a great catch.


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## Jellybeans

Lon--great question. Before my separation and subsequent divorce, I truly believed marriage was a be-all/end-all, a lifetime committment you should never toss away. 

Post-divorce, I am unsure if I would ever remarry again. I lean more towards 'no.' Oh I still would like to have a committed long-term relationship with a healthy person who is equally committed to me, but marriage isn't as important to me as it was before. It is great for other people but for me, it's not that live-and-die thing I thought it was.


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## Jellybeans

Dreaded_Soulja said:


> * I guess that you never really know someone. Especially when you love them.*


:iagree:


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## Kauaiguy

My new way of thinking:

a) Because the Church said so.

b) To legalize having Children.

c) It's a bit cheaper living together.

Other than that I see no reason why two people can't have a meaningful relationship and live together.

No commitments and no messy divorce if things don't work out.:scratchhead:


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## Syrum

Kauaiguy said:


> My new way of thinking:
> 
> a) Because the Church said so.
> 
> b) To legalize having Children.
> 
> c) It's a bit cheaper living together.
> 
> Other than that I see no reason why two people can't have a meaningful relationship and live together.
> 
> No commitments and no messy divorce if things don't work out.:scratchhead:


Because as you said, no commitments. some women (mostly women statistically speaking) will remain unmarried after divorced, because they are afraid of making another big commitment.

So it's fine for people who just don't care a whole lot about being with someone and who all ways have one foot out the door.


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## Pandakiss

i could only see one reason to be married...so the father of my children could be there at the birth, with little to no probs..

and if either one of us had to go to the hospital, the other one could be there..not in the waiting room.

i never wanted it. i wanted to just be, why define this, its good how it is..

he never asked, almost hinted early on, and i said dont even think about asking...here have a key.

my husband, just got fed up one day and said we were going to the justice of the peace and i had better call and get aall the info..or he might not want to stick around...

well he kind of yelled and stormed out on his way to work.....i dont know what brought that on, or why he did that.

i would think the purpose of marriage could also be...for security, kids, to be justified at sleeping in the same bed, and when being in the family way..its more comfortable for others to say husband/wife..and not try to guess, are you boyfriend/girlfriend..or just baby mama/baby daddy.


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