# Substance And Alcohol Abuse



## ArmyOfOne (Jun 29, 2012)

******* Sorry about the long post****************

I will try to stick to facts as much as possible so I can get potentially an unbiased opinion.

Background
I have been married for 6 years to my wife and have 2 daughters with her. One is 2 years old and the other one is 8 months old. I come from a lower middle class family and came to this country for studies. I have worked very hard for everything and have been through pretty rough times. And now have a great job and a beautiful house. My wife comes from a wealthy family and everything was handed to her. 
We were happy together – had occasional disagreements about finances…etc, but it wasn’t anything we couldn’t settle. Had excellent communication and would be amazed at people who couldn’t figure things out by talking. She was very logical. 

We both come from a relatively conservative upbringing. None of us drink nor have experimented with any drugs. I used to be the impulsive one in the relationship and she was the calm one. 

This all changed when we had our first daughter. I didn’t realize it at the time but my wife had a bad case of postpartum depression. And then we got pregnant again after 8/9 months from the initial delivery. She got very irritable and was on edge all the time. I started shutting down and would get quiet and she would go on and on about stuff. We started arguing a lot. I am very self critical, and usually analyze my behavior and admit my mistake very quick. In other words I am the first one to say sorry to smooth things over regardless of whoever is at fault. On the other hand I can count the number of times my wife has admitted she was wrong and changed her behavior. 

Issue at Hand
My in-laws were over (they live 7 hours away) and uncovered that my wife was abusing prescription drugs; Ambien and Hydrocodone. Plus she was/is a closet alcoholic and had been drinking straight liquor. The liquor bottles (8 to 10 bottles 750 ml or larger) were stashed in a box in the garage. Once they found those, she made up a story saying those bottles were from some party we had a year ago and she forgot to throw them out. And since my in laws were coming she didn’t know what to do with them so she hid them in the box in the garage. She swore up and down and asked me to help her and talk to her parents. I believed her and stood up to my in-laws basically telling them to back off. But she had to admit that she was taking 2 to 3 10mg Ambien pills a day NOT NIGHT, coz of the quantity of pills in the bottle. This had been going on for about 2months, basically since the beginning of this year. And my mother in law was the one who questioned her about this. Whenever I used to ask her about her incoherent behavior or lack of concentration, she would lash out at me saying it isn’t easy raising two kids and staying up at night to take care of them (she would ask me to sleep in a separate room so I could get sleep and go to work).

I forced her to go to marriage counseling with me and to a substance abuse counselor on her own. She basically lied to the therapist about most of the issues. And I still hadn’t realized that she was also drinking liquor till one day I found more bottles in the bathroom on my own. And that is when I questioned her and she made up a story which I didn’t believe and gave her a breathalyzer test (of course it was positive). So the begging and pleading for forgiveness started. That was the first time in 6 years I had seen my wife apologizing like that. 

This went on for another 4 months. I would find something once a month or so and she would beg and plead. I even left with the kids one night and stayed in a hotel after finding out an empty bottle. She found me and came pleading and begging and basically wrote out a contract saying that I can leave if she gets caught again drinking something.

And then it happened again couple of nights ago that I found a bottle of Vodka and asked her about it, this time instead of admitting she was wrong she lashed out at me saying I had bought it and put it there. And it’s not her. And that she has been on depression meds and feels great and has no need to drink anything. This got me very pissed. And then she dropped the little one on hardwood floor in front of my eyes and blamed it on the older one, saying she pushed my wife and because of that my wife lost her balance and dropped the younger one.

This is when I lost it and for the first time I slapped my wife and took the child away from her. It all went down hill from there. I got slapped and punched multiple times and she got shoved multiple times (she was afraid I was going to leave again with the kids). I couldn’t take it any more so I called her mother and my in laws drove 7 hours that night and took the kids and my wife saying she needs help and around the clock care and someone to watch her. And since I have to go to work I can’t do that. So the agreement was that they would keep the kids and my wife for 3 to 4 weeks to calm and cool things down. And then they would bring her back and my mother in law would stay with us and make sure my wife follows through the treatment (insurance doesn’t cover out of state expenses). I was reluctant but I knew I couldn’t watch the kids and work at the same time. Since then I had called my mother in law couple of times to ask if they had reached home and if the kids were okay. It was short. 

Till this afternoon I called her and asked about my wife (I hadn’t spoken to my wife since she left). And all hell broke loose. Basically they both tag teamed me and said the entire thing is my fault. I had pushed their daughter to abuse drugs and drink since I was never around and never helped around the house (I only go to work 2 to 3 days out of the week and the rest of the days I work from home). It just kept coming one after the other. Sounded like I was the worst thing that had happened to her. After spending an hour on the phone and trying to rebuke what they were saying to no avail. I hung up saying I am at work and have to go. I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere.

I was dumbfounded with all this. Just to give you a little perspective till last week my wife was crying and telling me that I was the best husband anyone could ask for and she prays every girl should get someone like me. And she has hurt me a lot and I don’t deserve all this. I really don’t understand what happened. 

I am not going to argue about slapping her. I know it was wrong and I know I shouldn’t have done that. But the sight of my baby hitting the floor sent me into a rage.

Now my question is what do I do? I miss my daughters so much that it physically hurts me. I would think about going home from work all day just to see them smile as I walked in the door. My usual self wants to call back and say I am sorry, yes you are right and I will change. Let’s work on the issues and get you better. But then that is how I enabled her. Her parents handed her everything without consequences. I never made her face consequences. The longest I would ever stay made is 10 mins and then it would be back to normal (I just think staying mad is a waste of time). 

P.S. One thing I am sure everyone is thinking is that how could I be so oblivious and not see that she was under the influence of something. Well, I thought about it too. And then I came to the conclusion that she was a substance abuse counselor. She was assigned specifically to counsel people from the healthcare industry (physicians, nurses, lab technicians…etc who abused drugs). So she knew all the right things to say and I just believed her.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

whoa... i think the break is a good thing for you guys right now. if you miss the kids that much then speak to a lawyer.. if you can prove that she was an unfit mother.. then you might get them back. but you've gotta be ready to prove it.. courts usually favor the mother. 

another thing is i would get your inlaws out of the picture. if she HAS to stay there.. then you need to have a conversation with the inlaws and tell them it's not their place to have any say on your relationship. if they wanna help take care of their daughter and grandkids that's great.. other than that it's none of their freakin business. they're just feeding the already gigantic fire... 

btw... how is she getting this stuff?? is she going to her dr and he/she just gives it? is there a way to notify the dr that she's abusing the meds and maybe help find her something less addictive? is she getting the $ for this stuff from her job? if she's getting money from you.. cut her off because she cant be trusted not to buy booze... 

good luck, hun...


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## ArmyOfOne (Jun 29, 2012)

She goes doctor shopping and says she has back pain. And because of the pain can't sleep. And I didn't know this but if you ask the Dr. to change your dosage (in her case up the dosage), you can get a new supply of 30 days along with the one you already have. And NO she doesn't work. She is a stay at home mother. That is what gets me so worked up, why do you need that much help (which I am not opposed to).

I really don't want a divorce my girls are too young. I don't want them to live without a parent. Its not their fault they are brought into this mess. I don't know...I am just very hurt and angry by the whole situation.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

would you rather them to live without or with a mom who's a drug addict??? seems like a no-brainer??? get those girls outta that situation!!


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## ArmyOfOne (Jun 29, 2012)

Yeah I see your point. But I just don't understand how this all happened.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Army, get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting NOW! Because you don't want to divorce, AND you don't want to raise your children in an alcoholic/addictive environment (it will cause them a ton of problems later on!) you need to start learning how to not be an enabler, how to protect your children, and how to protect yourself while all this is going on. At Al-Anon, you'll discover that you're definitely not the first person to be duped by an addict, that it's okay to love your addict, and get suggestions of things that have worked for other people. 

I'm curious how your in-laws happened upon this information. My guess is that they have had experiences with her in the past that made them hyper-alert to what was going on. I mean, seriously, they found bottles that were hidden in a box in the garage! Why on earth would they be going through boxes in your garage? In any case, they're now the people who are protecting her addiction. I suspect that if she comes back home, and fails to complete a treatment program, they'll make a handy escape route for her next time the stuff hits the fan. 

As far as "how it all happened," you've provided some of the answers yourself. Addiction is both genetically influenced and environmentally influenced. The makings for your wife's addiction were already in her life before you were. Childbirth and the subsequent depression may have provided the trigger that activated it, or there may be past events you don't know about. Either way, though, how it happened isn't really important to you now. What is GOING to happen is where your concerns should be, and Al-Anon is a great place to find information that will be helpful to you. 

As a former drug and alcohol counselor myself, some of my relationship articles touch on things you're going through: 

How Can I Help Someone Who Does Not Want Help (But Needs It)?

How to Recognize an Addiction to Prescription Pill Medication

Why People Abuse Drugs

I wish you the best in getting through the challenges facing your family.


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## ArmyOfOne (Jun 29, 2012)

Kathy,

I really appreciate the information you provided. I did look up the local Al-anon and have contacted them. The links you provided did help and had valuable information.

As far as how the parents stumbled upon the box; they were cleaning out the garage. They are neat freaks and every time they come visit they clean our house from top to bottom. I honestly don't believe there was anything in her past which they knew about but then again I also didn't believe she would do anything like this.

I talked with her last night for a good while and she does want to work on things and mend the relationship. They have asked me multiple times to come visit and come see the kids if I miss them. But for whatever reason I feel like I am being blackmailed now that my in-laws have my wife and kids, they are calling the shots.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

The idea of actually getting to an Al-Anon meeting might be pretty intimidating. I hope you can take it on faith when I say that you'll get over that feeling very quickly. Usually, you'll go in and feel really out of place while they get through the first "rituals" of their meetings - people will notice that you're new and smile at you, maybe say hi before the meeting starts, but then you're on own while they do their basic readings. Once those are done, they'll ask if there are any newcomers, and when you say you're new, they will invite you to speak privately with one or two people away from the group and help you get acquainted with how Al-Anon works. 

Also, even though you think you're being blackmailed (even emotionally), you need to maintain your relationship with your kids. That is far more important than your anger or feeling victimized. Having that opportunity actually can give you a chance to talk to her parents and let them see both sides of the story rather than just her skewed view. 

Her "neat freak" parents sound very controlling and intrusive - which may have contributed to her seeking relief from stress in unhealthy ways even before she knew you.

None of this is easy, but it *is* worth it. 
None of it is easy, but it *is* simple if you work a program like the one offered through Al-Anon.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

I agree 100% with Kathy. Goto Alanon. Although I dont drink anymore I still attend AA to keep me sober. Like your wife I was drinking, hiding, lying and even though my family was fed up they protected me. Why not? They do it to! The scariest thing I had ever done was walk into that meeting. When I left though I knew there was hope and one way or another I would be ok.


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## ArmyOfOne (Jun 29, 2012)

I have couple of Al-Anon meetings under my belt as of right now. And although there is a lot I don't know I understand the concepts. 

I reached out to her (wife) and talked through the issues and eventually went to visit for 4 days. I tried my best to keep everything pleasant and it was. The deal was that they would stay there for 3 weeks, so things cool down and then my in laws would bring them (my wife and girls) back and stay with us while she goes to therapy. But there were couple of changes (which I agreed to) because of my father in law having back surgery and some relatives being over from another country. 

Basically the situation right now is that she will stay there and I will try to either visit frequently or see if I can work from home and stay with them (I have that option depending on the work load) while my father in law is recovering from back surgery. But when I am alone and miss my kids it gets very hard for me to stay the course. I start getting upset and angry and resentful. And start thinking things like, "Couldn't the surgery be rescheduled for another date? Why am I the one suffering when she is the one who screwed up? Why do I have to stay away from my girls while she gets to be with her family - basically feels like she is getting rewarded for being wrong." Its just an internal struggle and sometimes it shows and comes out while I am talking with her and doesn't help the situation.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Is she doing anything right now for her addictions? Like going to AA. I'm sure her father can't help the surgery. She did screw up and if she's not doing anything abut it like counseling, AA meetings she is continuing to screw up. Glad you're going to Al-Anon.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ArmyOfOne said:


> I start getting upset and angry and resentful. And start thinking things like, "Couldn't the surgery be rescheduled for another date? Why am I the one suffering when she is the one who screwed up? Why do I have to stay away from my girls while she gets to be with her family - basically feels like she is getting rewarded for being wrong." Its just an internal struggle and sometimes it shows and comes out while I am talking with her and doesn't help the situation.


I have been in Al-Anon for 16 years. We learn to detach. We learn to handle our resentment and frustration. Yes, it is natural to feel resentful that the addict is getting "rewarded" while you are being dragged through emotional he!!. 

Keep going to Al-Anon. You will learn to set boundaries. For instance, you will probably get to a point in your recovery when you may decide to tell your wife: "I cannot live with anyone who drinks and drugs. I love you. But I cannot live with such unacceptable behavior." 

The ball is in her court. She either gets clean and sober, or she remains active in her addictions, with her parents protecting and enabling her.

You have to be true to yourself. It took me a number of years to get to the point that I could set boundaries and feel comfortable doing so. I had to let the addict in my life go in order to allow him to decide whether or not he wanted to continue in active addiction. 

You are doing the best you can at this time. Take it one day at a time. Resentment over all of this is normal. Keep going to meetings. You will get plenty of support to work through your feelings.

I hope you will keep posting. I really care what happens to you and your family. Be well.


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## ArmyOfOne (Jun 29, 2012)

Hopefull363 said:


> Is she doing anything right now for her addictions? Like going to AA. I'm sure her father can't help the surgery. She did screw up and if she's not doing anything abut it like counseling, AA meetings she is continuing to screw up. Glad you're going to Al-Anon.


That is the part that I am not understanding. She says she wants to get better and for the most part (according to her) hasn't done anything since the last time. But apart from getting depression meds, as far as I know, she has done nothing. Yesterday I asked her if she went to a counseling session like she said she would. And I got three different excuses, ranging from the younger daughter is sick, to not having a car. She seems to care about me and the kids but I don't see her getting any help for what she is going through. And that is what I don't understand.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Those excuses are all part of the addiction process. Keep going to Al-Anon. It works if you work it. You'll never be able to control the world, her, or anything other than yourself and how you respond to things. 

Al-Anon can help you find a way to be at peace within yourself no matter what she does or doesn't do, or what excuses come your way.


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## ArmyOfOne (Jun 29, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> I have been in Al-Anon for 16 years. We learn to detach. We learn to handle our resentment and frustration. Yes, it is natural to feel resentful that the addict is getting "rewarded" while you are being dragged through emotional he!!.
> 
> Keep going to Al-Anon. You will learn to set boundaries. For instance, you will probably get to a point in your recovery when you may decide to tell your wife: "I cannot live with anyone who drinks and drugs. I love you. But I cannot live with such unacceptable behavior."
> 
> ...


Thank you for your support and kind words. I know in my head that I have to be logical and detach myself but its so hard and like a roller coaster ride. One minute I think I have gotten a handle on the situation and then next, all these emotions hit me like a ton of bricks and I get mad, angry, sad, frustrated...

Sometimes I think it is my fault like she and her mother indicated - I drove her to this. And think maybe if I change then it would go away. But after hearing and reading other people I try to push those thoughts away. I just want to be fair and not make people think that I have no faults. Then I think whatever I have done pales in comparison to what she is doing. She and her mother have a way with words. And most of the time I walk away thinking maybe I am wrong. 

And the pain of not being close to my daughters compounds the emotions. But I am determined to work through it all.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Continue with what you are doing until she gets help. Don't allow her to come home until she can prove she's seeking help. She needs to be accountable for her actions. It sounds like you are seeing your daughters on a regular basis. That's good. Her parents should get sick of her soon. That will force her to get help in order to come home.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ArmyOfOne said:


> I know in my head that I have to be logical and detach myself but its so hard and like a roller coaster ride. One minute *I think I have gotten a handle on the situation *and then next, all these emotions hit me like a ton of bricks and I get mad, angry, sad, frustrated...


STEP 1: We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.



ArmyOfOne said:


> Sometimes I think it is my fault like she and her mother indicated - I drove her to this. And think *maybe if I change then it would go away. *


Refer to Step 1 above, and:

STEP 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

STEP 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood him.



ArmyOfOne said:


> Then I think whatever I have done pales in comparison to what she is doing. She and her mother have a way with words. And most of the time *I walk away thinking maybe I am wrong*.


STEP 4: Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.

One day at a time. It takes time to work these first four steps. In fact, the first step is the hardest hurdle. 

Alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer; it takes down everyone in its path. The people most affected by this disease become as sick as the addict.

Your wife has the right to drink/drug herself to death. I'm very sorry if that happens. But you will need to learn to get the point that you set boundaries, and learn to respect your wife's choice to trash her life, if she so desires. I'm really sad that it sounds harsh, but she is an adult. Her life. Her choices.


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## ArmyOfOne (Jun 29, 2012)

Hopefull363 said:


> Continue with what you are doing until she gets help. Don't allow her to come home until she can prove she's seeking help. She needs to be accountable for her actions. It sounds like you are seeing your daughters on a regular basis. That's good. Her parents should get sick of her soon. That will force her to get help in order to come home.


That is the Ironic part - it has become a way to punish me. She keeps saying "Her mother won't allow her to return this soon." And I have to show my mother in law that I am a changed person and will treat her daughter (my wife) nicely and not let the situation get out of hand like last time. Things are very clear as to what I have to do. But no indication of what she is doing / going to be doing to address the Alcohol and Drug abuse.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I absolutely hate giving advice like this..... My SIL has a alcohol and prescription drug problem. What I do know is that they have to want to quit for rehab or anything else to work. Forcing her into it or whatnot just doesn’t do it. The fact is that she is at your inlaws and blowing smoke to excuse herself. She is making excuses for ‘why’ instead of seeking help. Her family is enabling this behavior; Poor her. It will get worse. I don’t see any of the signs that she is on a road to recovery. 

So while I hate to do this, this is a good time to seek a legal separation and get some protections in place. She is out of the house and is addicted; This looks favorable for you in the courts. You can request through the legal channels that she be drug tested regularly with conditional clauses for failed exams or missed testing. This is about the safety of your children. My SIL played a ‘bartender’ game with the kids. She slept 24/7 and they had to feed themselves until dad got home. She drove drunk dropping them off at school. She left them alone for hours while she got her prescriptions, doctor appointments, and hit the liquor store (or took them with her). She’d forget things like diaper changes, feeding, picking them up, etc. You’ve already mentioned dropping one. You know she is in no condition to be a good mother no matter what she says. 

For now, her mother is helping with the kids, so you have a safety net and family support... What is going to happen when her family finally sees that she isn’t getting better? I’ll bet they’ll do what my inlaws did: A fancy expensive detox and rehab. Upon release, they’ll say she’s clean now and needs to go home to her family... That’s you! And chances are if she doesn’t really own this problem, she’ll start right back up again... This time though, her family probably won’t open their door to her or their wallets. So, your life is going to get considerably more tense.

I’d talk to a lawyer. You need to exert your rights as a father of the children. You don’t need to divorce, just get things in place just in case she can’t pull herself together. IF my BIL had done this sooner instead of relying on hope she’d turn around, he would have been in a better situation.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

ArmyOfOne said:


> That is the Ironic part - it has become a way to punish me. She keeps saying "Her mother won't allow her to return this soon." And I have to show my mother in law that I am a changed person and will treat her daughter (my wife) nicely and not let the situation get out of hand like last time. Things are very clear as to what I have to do. But no indication of what she is doing / going to be doing to address the Alcohol and Drug abuse.


You do not "have" to show anything. Your wife is an adult. If she "punishes" you by keeping your children from you, you have options. But changing just to put up a show to convince people of something isn't going to do a thing for you. If you really do change, your relationship will be as troubled as ever, anyway. If you don't change, it will stay troubled. Al Anon is for YOU, not for them to see something about you.


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## ArmyOfOne (Jun 29, 2012)

It’s been a while since I have posted anything: I started going to Al-Anon meetings, also purchased / received a lot of the material to read on my own. I am pleasantly surprised that most of the concepts I already knew and practiced in other facets of my life, just didn’t apply them to this situation. But it makes sense and I can see how it would change the situation for the better.

After talking and listening, reading different opinions; I decided to work on multiple things simultaneously.

- Hired an attorney, laid down a course of action within a certain time frame.
- Attending Al-Anon meetings regularly. 
- Currently visiting my kids and wife (at the in laws) and accepted all the faults they were pointing out and pledged to change and show them that I can and am capable of listening to constructive criticism and mold myself accordingly.
- Started socializing the situation and discussing it with mutual as well as her friends (this seemed to help the most – for a while I felt like I was all alone in this)
- Also have reason to believe that this is not the first time drugs and alcohol has been abused, but it probably was recreational in nature.

I can honestly say that I feel better being close to my girls. Being able to spend time with them has made me realize more and more that I need to take care of myself and make sure that they at least have one sane and level headed parent who has their best interests at heart. I seem to be making some headway with the MIL. I have gotten her to admit that this is an ‘issue’ and it needs professional treatment. She is open to therapy. Although I still think she has apprehensions with the words ‘Disease’ and ‘Alcoholic’. To be completely honest I myself sometimes have to re read the Al-Anon literature to convince myself. It’s very easy to slip back into ‘she is doing this on purpose to hurt me and she can stop whenever she wants’. 

It just hurts a lot to sit there and be calm and try to make this work. I feel like I have been betrayed, she (wife) pretended to be someone she wasn’t by hiding her past. And even the present – I am finding out more and more about her abuse which she lies about. There are times I feel like just exploding and letting her have it. And honestly want to make her suffer for what she has done / doing to the family. What crawls under my skin the worse is that I don’t see any remorse in her actions (although she has apologized in the past). She doesn’t seem like someone who is genuinely ashamed or remorseful of her actions. If anything she still has this feeling entitlement.

The road ahead is going to be very hard. But for now I am grateful to be near my daughters.

P.S. Thank you for everyone who took the time out to read and offer opinions. I would need your continued support to get through this.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Have you considered inviting your MIL to an Al-Anon meeting with you? You can say you'd like her to see what you're doing to make sure to treat her daughter well.


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## ArmyOfOne (Jun 29, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Have you considered inviting your MIL to an Al-Anon meeting with you? You can say you'd like her to see what you're doing to make sure to treat her daughter well.


No, I haven't but I share the material and what I learned there with her. And she seems receptive. 

But the next step would be ask her to come to one of those.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

ArmyOfOne said:


> No, I haven't but I share the material and what I learned there with her. And she seems receptive.
> 
> But the next step would be ask her to come to one of those.


Great approach!


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## ArmyOfOne (Jun 29, 2012)

wow...I don't think I have gotten to know so much about myself in all my life put together compared to the last 6 months or so. I just realized I pretty much have all the the traits of a co-dependent. And have had them all my life, even before I met my wife.


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## ArmyOfOne (Jun 29, 2012)

I had a heart to heart with my wife couple of days ago and she agrees that there is a problem and that we need professional help. I just don't see her being gung-ho about the situation. She is not actively seeking out forums, or reading material or even making any attempts to schedule appointments on her own. I am doing all that for her. Is that normal? Is she agreeing because she feels she has to? And lets say she is playing along, would the counseling have any effect?

Would like to get some perspective from abusers.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I've been in your shoes, but not the abuser's. My experience is that to a certain degree, you have to meet people at the level they're at. So yes, it's normal to see someone just going along and not taking any initiative in the beginning stages of recovery. 

Once she starts attending therapy/AA/meetings, one of two things will normally happen. She'll either balk and quit completely, or she'll gradually become more active and engaged. It won't be a smooth process. Addicts have setbacks, relapses, and internal struggles that will interfere with the process many times. It may seem like there isn't "enough" effect, even when there is.

On the other hand, be alert for signs that she's just going because others expect her to. Consider the difference between the words "compliant" and "cooperative." A person who is compliant won't ever reach the same degree of benefit that a cooperative patient will. As her partner, you have to decide where your boundaries are and figure out if things are moving in the right direction or not.


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## ArmyOfOne (Jun 29, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I've been in your shoes, but not the abuser's. My experience is that to a certain degree, you have to meet people at the level they're at. So yes, it's normal to see someone just going along and not taking any initiative in the beginning stages of recovery.
> 
> Once she starts attending therapy/AA/meetings, one of two things will normally happen. She'll either balk and quit completely, or she'll gradually become more active and engaged. It won't be a smooth process. Addicts have setbacks, relapses, and internal struggles that will interfere with the process many times. It may seem like there isn't "enough" effect, even when there is.
> 
> On the other hand, be alert for signs that she's just going because others expect her to. Consider the difference between the words "compliant" and "cooperative." A person who is compliant won't ever reach the same degree of benefit that a cooperative patient will. As her partner, you have to decide where your boundaries are and figure out if things are moving in the right direction or not.


Nicely put. I really like the comparison between 'Compliant' and 'Co-operative'.

I am hoping that it is the early stages and she will, like you put it, gradually become more active.


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## ArmyOfOne (Jun 29, 2012)

Its just that I am getting conflicting information no this. At one end I am being told everything has to be done by her and her alone. And I need to just sit back and observe.

And on the other hand I am reading that 'sitting back' is not conducive and that I should facilitate.


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## ArmyOfOne (Jun 29, 2012)

Today she missed her first phone therapy session. She already went to one in person session Monday. She seemed upset that she forgot about it when I reminded her. She kept asking me not to be upset at her. which I am not, just disappointed. 

Now my question is how should I react? What would constitute 'doing it for her' vs. 'supporting her'. My personal incling is to get angry and force her to reschedule. But I am holding myself back and giving myself some time to figure out how I should react or behave with her. Do I show disappoint through my actions or just go about like nothing happened??? 

Please help....I am very confused
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyOfOne (Jun 29, 2012)

For the past two weeks things have been good (better than they have been in a long time). Hasn't been a walk in the park but I feel there has been progress. AW has been going to therapy on her own. I can see that she is actively trying to seek information and get help. Even though sometimes I do get frustrated at the pace. But I guess slow and steady wins the race. The MIL is on board with Therapy for now, which I consider a huge accomplishment. I am also learning more about codependency and trying to identify patterns in my behavior so I can change them. We are going to be leaving the in laws place this coming Monday to head back home. My goal is to start over as a family. 

In the midst of all this I had turned to AW's best friend of 25+ years and during our many chats on the phone I told the friend about AW being molested. It wasn't something out of spite or vengeance. I guess I was just venting and wanted to convey that there are a lot of things which AW has been keeping close to her chest, (which even the best from 3rd wasn't privy to) which might have played some role in her choosing drugs and alcohol. Well AW found out yesterday about it and has been upset since then. I understand she feels betrayed and now says that I shouldn't have told anyone anything (I started socializing her issues with her close friends and family to get support and help). And frankly I had no one to talk to about all of this and was going insane. But I see her point and it was something she had told me in private (ONLY because I had stopped talking to her for couple of days after I found liquor bottles). Her therapist back then asked her to tell me this since she was obviously (according to the therapist) being effected by it. I apologized many times and asked if there was something I could do to make up for it. But every time I try to talk to her, seems like I do something else wrong in the process. Either my apology is not sincere or I made a joke out of it to lighten the mood, which was distasteful. I really do understand how she feels but I just don't know what to do about it after apologizing multiple times.


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## ArmyOfOne (Jun 29, 2012)

I always feel like I am back here when I am emotionally unstable. 

Any ways, we have been back home w/o the in-laws for about two weeks now. AW was seeing a therapist (male) while we were at her mother's and then she started seeing a therapist here locally (female).

When she comes home I usually ask her how her session went and what they talked about (prefacing it by saying she can tell me what she is comfortable with). When she was seeing the male therapist she would talk to me about what they have identified in session (coming up with a schedule, focusing on social activities, designating days where I can switch with her at nights to take care of the girls...etc) and I would help her with those things. It would make me feel like there was progress and I was providing a positive contribution. And part of it is also because when in the past we went to MC she wasn't honest with the counselor.

Today I asked the same thing upon her return from the therapist (female). And it seems like when she sees the female therapist her response is usually something negative about me (the husband). Now I understand that we have issues in our marriage but this session is for her to work on her addiction issues. Now I would like to point out that the reason I am explicitly stating male and female is because the female therapist has told my AW that she was married to a man who was very macho and didn't help her around the house, so understands where my wife is coming from (which I don’t agree with but I won’t get into it here). So I feel like there is a bias here and I can't help but question if it’s a therapy session or a male bashing session.

I calmly let my AW know that I am concerned about it. And her response was 'this is your problem. You want to control everything'. I admit that I am a codie and I am working on it. But how is this controlling. I am paying for these sessions, she has an addiction issue. And I just want to know if there is any progress being made. Am I out of line for being concerned? And it really made me angry when I heard her response. How am I supposed to detach myself from this situation?


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