# He blames me for being a jerk



## missjamielee (Jul 21, 2012)

:scratchhead:My boyfriend of 4 and a half years to me who is so sweet and gentleman to me and we have lots of fun and everything - but im getting sick of his verbal abuse!! 

everytime we get into an arguement, he just starts yelling non stop and saying all these hurtful things toward me . then later he says sorry and i forgive him, and we are good for a few weeks - then its the same **** all over again! 

im tired of how angry he gets and how he can be such a JERK to me, but then when we arent fighting hes all sweet and calls me princess and stuff.

i dont know if i am being a fool - for thinking he is going to change but he hasnt. we have been going to relationship therapy and that has helped..and he said he was going to take anger mangement...but i dont know how and if i should forgive him. i am so hurt by how mean he can get. 

he is so immature when it comes to arguing - i feel like im aruging with a teenager! if i say "u hurt my feelings" he will just retailiate and say "no , u hurt my feelings!" if i say "cmon grow up" he will say "no, u grow up!" and so on. so i never feel like he even cares about my feelings!!! 

when i tell him he is being mean to me - he just says its my fault. if i tell him he is bein a jerk to me - he says all sarcastic, "I WONDER WHY!?"

on top of that, i want him to grow up. he is 30 and i am 24. he is a total pothead and high all the time. i told him this bothers me but he still hasnt even "cut down" - i dont mind if he smokes weed for "recreational use" but he is damn near dependant on it and i hate it! 

im debating if i should stay with him and pursue our future together ...i dont want to take anymore of his mistreatments! i mean we have plans to get married and have kids and buy a house and to travel the world together - so it is a hard descion. 
interested in any of your opinons thanks for your time.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Only you can make this decision. But marriage usually does not improve things. This is the time to walk away.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

solitudeseeker said:


> Only you can make this decision. But marriage usually does not improve things. This is the time to walk away.












Totally agree....marriage never is a fix or makes anything easier.


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## needinghonesty (Jul 15, 2012)

Every argument can be avoided if both people can look at themselves in the mirror and see what could have been done different. solitudeseeker is 100% right. Marriage doesnt fix it. You are still very young and have a lot of life ahead of you. I too am struggling with my own issues and it is difficult to do what I say or beleive but I am speaking from my heart. In the end, it is up to you what you will settle with. Good luck with everything and I wish you the best.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

If he's addicted to pot that is a huge part of it. Does he get mean when his supply is cut off? Or when you are in situations where he can't smoke?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Why would you want to hang out with a verbally abusive, 30 y.o. pothead?'

Abusers have the two sides--loving and hateful. You cannot have one without the other unless the abuser recognizes his/her role and decides to get help for it. Abusers blame their victims for "making" them be abusive. They have an inability to accept responsibility for their own actions. Look up verbal abuse on the web.

Bottom line--you can't get the sweet w/o the ugly.

At 24, you have a lot of time to grow and improve yourself and find a better person. One thing: you might want to look into better communication styles. Saying "you hurt my feelings" is an attack and isn't true, anyway. Saying "I feel hurt because I think you don't like my body," or whatever it is, is a better way to communicate. Imagine him saying something "mean," and instead of feeling hurt, you suddenly see a foot-stomping two year old trying to get his way. You would not feel hurt; you would laugh. So when he acts like that, you can choose how to respond. His words may be disrespectful and childish--but why would you feel hurt? Of disrespect should be called out immediately--yelling, name-calling, etc., and you say you will walk out if the conversation does not return to a civil tone. 

But, yeah--if it is this bad now, marriage is only likely to make it worse. Make an appointment for counseling for the 2 of you if you want to try to improve things. Give it however long you think you need to assess the situation, and make a decision at that time. Or, just leave now--you have good reasons and a pothead isn't likely to be able to make good decisions--or make a good life partner. Only he can fix his addiction. Don't be an enabler. Good luck.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I have nothing against pot in itself but I know way too many people who ate addicted to it and claim that they aren't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are being verbally/emotionally abused. That's the cycle of abuse. 

Abuse
He says sorry
Walk on eggshells around him
Abuse
Says sorry
............

And he's hardly a gentleman.

Stop wasting your time. People don't normally change...especially 30 year olds. They just get worse. Find someone who values you and is on your same page.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

You are making the same mistake that a lot of people make, which is to ignore all the warnings. You are swapping your good and common sense of what you see, hear, feel, and experience for all the fantasy you hope your life will be. What you're ignoring is the fact that you are living your reality, and that reality will never magically turn into your fantasy.

A very good lesson I learned from Oprah (who learned it from Maya Angelou) is when a person tells you how they are, believe them. This guy shows you over and over how he is. You don't like it, but you want the fantasy, which is causing your conflict. Accept the truth and let this guy go. You can try for your fantasy with the next one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Few abusers are abusive all the time. They tend to be very nice and charming part of the time. That's their trick for getting you to stay. 

Look up the abuse cycle. That is what you are experiencing with him.

He's not going to stop this. It will get worse after marriage, once he thinks he has 'won' you and is safe of you not leaving him. It will most likely get worse over time and even escalate to physical abuse/violence. 


Do you want your future children to grow up in a home where they watch their father abuse their mother?

You already know that he is abusive. If you stay with him you are willing accepting to be abused for the rest of your life (or as long as you are with him). 

Get out now.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I want to add something I usually say on the board to people in a situation like yours. I know I sound like a broken record to those who have read me say it many times before. But, you haven't read it, and it's true and good food for thought.

The purpose of meeting and dating people is to get to know the person and decide if he is the right person for you. The purpose is not to meet someone and immediately begin running down the aisle. That means you don't place so much of your hope and faith and dreams - so much of yourself - in the person because you don't know them until you come to know them. No one is their true self when meeting and dating. They reveal more of themselves bit by bit over time. He didn't yell and insult you when you first met him, did he? That's the way it always goes. You now know the genuine person, and you don't like his true self, so why would you continue holding on to someone you don't like.

Love is something that is bound to happen because we are emotional beings. He did and said all the things he knew you would like - all the things he knew would make you fall in love with him. Abusive men are very clever in their ways. They know how to hook you, and they know how and when to begin the circles of cycles That Girl described above. And the cycles always repeat without fail. He has to be loving and sweet because he knows you like that in order to confound and conflict you when the abuse cycles back again. He knows you will stick around in hopes for the next time he is loving and sweet again, and he has to keep you around so he can abuse again. That's the way the cycles keep circling. His next step is to promise to change. He will cry and beg you to stay when you break up with him. He will even threaten to commit suicide in order to further play on your feelings. These are other tactics to make YOU responsible for his actions. He will never change, and he will never commit suicide, but he knows that tactic will obligate you and make you feel guilty and responsible.

You have to be selective and discerning when dating. All the emotions of love and sympathy get in the way when you don't guard yourself. You become conflicted when you are not aware of the usual cycles and tactics. First educate yourself on abuse. Then, put your feelings aside so you can sensibly discern the situation for what it is, rather than what you keep hoping it will be. You will see that all those hopes and dreams are never going to happen with this guy. They don't normally happen for most people, but you should at least make sure you are with someone who is stable enough, sensible enough, and driven enough to THINK they can one day make your plans together possible. You don't stay with this guy just because you met him. You will meet others. You will have reasons to break up with other guys. And, you will have legitimate reason to place all your hopes in one of them. Just not this one.

Read this........
Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong


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## missjamielee (Jul 21, 2012)

thanks for all of your insights.

he only gets "verbally abusive" when we argue - but generally, he is a sweet, fun, caring, great guy whom i love and feel so comfortable with. he is not controlling , jealous, down talking me normally. he is a sweetie, normally. 

i told him this is a problem and i wont put up with it anymore - so he said he will see an anger mangement/substance abuse counceller.

what we have together is so great, so i dont just want to throw it away. 

at least i know he admitss his problem and is going to get help. and he knows if he "pulls this B.S" on me again i will leave.

any hope you guys think??


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