# Not neglecting one or the other



## mamab (Jun 29, 2007)

It seems, as my boys get older, that my younger son is gravitating toward me even more than he did when he was younger. My older son is more of a loaner. He shows that he loves us, but he's kind of stand-offish. I'm afraid that my younger son's affection is making my older son feel neglected. Any advice on how to turn that around?


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## JustMe (Jul 30, 2007)

Hi! I had that problem with my two step-sons. The youngest got lots of attention...and needed it, as his Bio-mom is....well....currently on probation for drug related issues. He was taken from her at 4yrs old and I've been with him since he was 5. He's 11 now. 
The oldest one's mom is still in the picture, and has gotten better in the mom area, but he used to feel that we "babied" my youngest and he didn't think it was fair. (the oldest is 16 now, btw and has lived with us since he was 12.) He's kinda stand-offish too, but we found things that just he and my husband could do together that he liked, or things that just he and I could do together that he likes. I even went as far as to ask him if he minded if I hug him! They're so weird as adolescents and they act like they don't want it, but they need affection too. Sometimes I get a real hug, other times I just "bump into him" in the kitchen, or playfully punch his arm, you know, rowdy boy stuff. Sometimes I just ruffle his hair which ticks him off b/c he doesn't want it "messed up", but he always smiles afterward. 

I guess I really don't have any solid advice, but thought I'd share my family's experience...


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

I have two sons seven and five. Right now my oldest is more to himself and more shy. My youngest is more of a mama's boy but he is also starting to get more independent. So much so that he don't want me giving him kisses in front of his friends which my oldest son has not done yet. 

In your case is it possible to have a day where just you and your oldest do something together? Then you can get that one on one time with him.


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## mamab (Jun 29, 2007)

I would like to do that, and we have even discussed it, but it just hasn't been possible yet. We did have lunch together, but my husband and younger son were in the same restaurant. We just didn't eat all together.


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## 3plus3 (Nov 1, 2007)

We used to do the day out together thing. I try to find some things that each of them like a lot and do those things


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

My oldest has a high functioning Autism and is stand offish. He goes through phases but by doing things that engage him he is often is lured out with the family.

draconis


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## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

One of my children also got very stand-offish when that one hit the middle teens. It was very hard for me as I am a very touchy-feely person. It was difficult for me to get used to the "no touching" rule, but when my child actually said it I was pretty devastated and tried very hard to not hug. She had genuine issues to work through, and I respected her decision. As she got older she let up a little bit. Last summer I was out to help her with the kids when her husband was sent to Iraq. A friend of hers was over to take pictures and my kid grabbed me by the shoulders and hugged me for the picture. You can be sure I adore that picture!


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## riskey58 (Oct 30, 2007)

I think one on one time is important. You will find that there is always one child that needs it more then the others.


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