# Female point of view needed. I am trying to understand...



## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

There is a ongoing pattern in my life, and either I am a complete sociopath and can't understand or I am missing something. This is just one example but maybe someone with a outside perspective can make it clearer.

My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year. We have had problems the last week and we both have lost some of our hope in our futures together. However, it is mostly because of me that this has happened. It is hard to explain, but it seems as if one morning I woke up and just felt anxious involving anything with her. If my phone goes off telling me I got a text message, I get a anxious rush down my body, if she invites me over I get anxious, if I think about her I get anxious... I have a history of anxiety and OCD tendencies and I think it has a lot to do with this. At the same time, I obsess about whether I am using mental illness as a excuse for not being into her anymore. 

Anyway, i'll try to explain what happened yesterday as unbiasedly as possible. I have a friend who lives in Kentucky who visits maybe for a day or two every 6 months or so. He was coming down this weekend so I thought it would be cool if my girlfriend and I went to the beach with him. On the way to the beach she told me she was nervous because she's only met my friend one other time when we all went out to dinner with him and his mom and sister, and she wants my friends to like her. So, we get to the beach and we find him and all lay down to get a little sun. Now, when I was originally walking out the door of my house to leave to pick her up I saw her bathing suit and I thought maybe I should bring it but then decided not to. I was already in swimming trunks/shorts but didn't think I would be going in the water. My girlfriend only had a bikini top on and shorts. So after maybe 10 minutes of arriving at the beach I asked Paul if he wanted to go in the water and he said sure. So we went in the water and started talking and throwing a football in the water to some guys who were going to be playing some volleyball after they get out of the water. So we threw the football in the water for maybe 10-15 minutes then came back in out of the water. Granted, I am a socially awkward person to begin with, and was depressed already and talking to people who I don't know and being invited to a volleyball game got me excited. Anyway, after we got out of the water, I went up to my girlfriend who was laying down still and told her we were going to play some volleyball with some guys for a little bit. At that point she basically told me that she wanted to leave. She said that I was being a real ******* and being extremely selfish for not including her in anything and leaving her on the beach by herself. She said she is tired of it because it has happened before where I don't even consider her feelings. We had a tough time yesterday getting through this new problem because our relationship has already been rocky the past week with my anxiety and everything, but I do think I messed up in this case but it's hard for me to acknowledge my mistakes and she kept asking me how I would have felt if she brought me around her friends only to leave me by myself like that. 

Need some perspectives.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

I understand how she feels but I think she was being a bit dramatic about it. If you're in the same type of situation again, make sure you invite her to participate in the activities with you. I'm sure if you'd have said "want to come hang out in the water with us?" she wouldn't have minded you splitting off for a little volleyball with the boys later. And also have you told her about this anxiety you have? And why is it that you think you may be using your emotional problems as an excuse for not being into her anymore? That was a pretty bold statement and I'm sure there's something to it.


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

AvaTara539 said:


> I understand how she feels but I think she was being a bit dramatic about it. If you're in the same type of situation again, make sure you invite her to participate in the activities with you. I'm sure if you'd have said "want to come hang out in the water with us?" she wouldn't have minded you splitting off for a little volleyball with the boys later. And also have you told her about this anxiety you have? And why is it that you think you may be using your emotional problems as an excuse for not being into her anymore? That was a pretty bold statement and I'm sure there's something to it.


I have a history of anxiety, OCD, and depression. I obsess a lot and over analyze EVERYTHING. I nit pick things to death, and I keep wondering whether we've really lost that spark or, or whether I actually do love her still but use my mental problems as a cover. I feel bad for putting her through so much because of me, and at times I want to just let go so I won't hurt her anymore with my crap, but at the same time I want her in my life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sounds like she just wanted to hang out with you guys and be included. Just tell her you feel sorry for not including her. She has told you what she thinks the problem is so now you're aware of it.

As for your getting anxious about anything involving her... you really need to figure out why that is. Does she make you uncomfortable? Are you not ready for a relationship? Has she done things to upset you before?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe she's just getting tired of dealing with a guy who is so much work, and she feels she's not getting enough back in return. 

Get this book, and learn about how to keep a relationship fresh and healthy: His Needs Her Needs. It will explain a lot of what you're going through.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're feeling anxious because she's not returning the good vibes like she probably once did. Your lives are becoming bland, so your brain is telling you 'is that all there is?' 

And it IS all there is, unless you purposely work on your relationship to keep it fresh. Change your routine. Go to a new restaurant once a month. Sign up for a class together. WORK on your relationship.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

I think she was very immature and reacted badly to you... she had the option to go into the water with you, she had the option to play volleyball with you. She chose to go to the beach, but decided to lie and sunbathe instead of getting involved. Expecting an invitation to every interaction on the beach, she joined you there and could have done anything she wanted to. 

She wants your friend to like her, yet sits around like a martyr waiting for you to make the beach excursion fun and entertaining for her? She tagged along and then kept separate from the activities you and you're friend did. AND she claims you were being selfish.

If this is the general gist of your relationship then I am not surprised that you wonder if you have any spark left. She behaves like a spoiled brat and should be put in her place. If she wants to be involved she just has to BE involved, not wait for special invitation to do anything at all. 

You invite her to the occasion, it is up to her to get amongst it and enjoy it!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Although there have been some good suggestions and there could be some history I'm not aware of, it is also up to HER to join in without an invitation. You two are a couple. If I wanted to join the guys in the water, I would have. If I heard you talking about volleyball and wanted to join in, I'd say "Hey that sounds like fun - can I play, too?"

Everyone's happiness is their own responsibility. It's one thing to be perpetually intentionally excluded but to expect someone to always extend an invitation is petty. It's as much on her as you, IMO.


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