# Help! I'm paralyzed by anxiety in the bedroom



## too_shy (Aug 13, 2015)

Okay, a little back story - My husband and I have been married for 1 year, together for 6. We met on a BDSM website, and that was a big part of our relationship in the beginning. As our relationship evolved, so did our sex life. I found out early on that my husband had some real sexual issues. He was completely addicted to sex. He would randomly seek out women (or men, whichever were convenient) on CL to have immediate sex, watch hours upon hours of porn, and did everything he could to hide everything from me. We went to therapy, and we worked through that part, (a lot had to do with having a baby and him growing up (he was only 20 when I met him)).

However, our sex life is still kinky. That's just who we are. We enjoy threesomes, BDSM, voyeurism etc etc. My husband purchased a strap on a while back and wanted me to use it on him. I have and I like it, and so does he. 

However, recently I've become more and more shy in the bedroom. It's getting so bad, that I am tragically paralyzed by fear/anxiety. He wants me to take the lead and use the strap on, but for some reason I can't. I'm afraid that he will think I'm silly, I constantly compare myself to his other sexual encounters, and the little extra weight I've put on since having a baby has done a number on my self confidence. 

I just don't know how to get me back. I don't know what to do, or not do for that matter. And I think the biggest problem is the 'taking the lead' part. I'm a true submissive, never a top. And I am honestly struggling with it.

Please help!


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Whats stopping you from talking to him? The two of you seems pretty accepting of things. So sit down and start talking. Let him know you are having some confidence issues. Explain to him that you need him to take the lead until you figure yourself out. Let him know you taking on the lead is going against your true self. You need to be his sub. Maybe you guys can find a dom for him who visits, so that your h can get his satisfaction/fix for himself.

In the meantime, let work on you. Start eating right, exercise and get some sleep. Having a baby changes the dynamics in every relationship. You are now in mummy mode. Being sexy and doing your sort of stuff, is probably going against what you think being a mum is. Your hormones are still wacky. Are you breastfeeding?
You just have to find your sexy again. It will come. If the anxiety thing is getting too much, seek help from a professional.

Just curious: how old is baby?


----------



## too_shy (Aug 13, 2015)

Baby is 2.. so a toddler actually. This anxiety just started creeping up in the past few months or so...


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Heck my baby is 16 yrs. Ha.

So what changed? Is he expecting you to take the lead more?
Are you on any meds? Did he say or did something thats causing you to start doubting yourself?


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Could the novelty have worn off and now this sexual act makes you feel uncomfortable? With something new, there is a high level of dopamine, but that decreases over time and since you are a true sub, this goes against your nature.

Perhaps he needs to find a dom outside of you? Anyways, communicate your feelings and tell him that taking the lead is not the person you are.


----------



## too_shy (Aug 13, 2015)

He hasn't said anything, and I don't think he wants me taking the lead too often, he's still dominate by nature. But he sometimes wants to switch.. I don't mind. 

This isn't the only part of the anxiety. Something as simple as talking dirty in the bedroom - it's so very difficult. It almost feels like someone is squeezing my throat closed when I start to try. Ive never felt like I was good at that anyways, but I've always at least tried.

As for meds - I started back taking my welbutrin a few days ago.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

How are you feeling on the new meds? 

I agree with Mr. Fisty, something is going against your true nature. You are not feeling safe for some reason. Think on things that happen pior to all when you started feeling this way. Something happened.

You are going need more help than TAM if you continue to feel this way.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

How's your relationship outside the bedroom?


----------



## too_shy (Aug 13, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> How's your relationship outside the bedroom?


It's absolutely great! Sure, we have normal quarrels about things (finances, what to eat for dinner, how to discipline our son etc) but nothing major. We are good about talking things through, although sometimes I probably don't shoulder as much blame as I should. Stubborn I guess. 

That's the kicker. It's only in the bedroom that I'm becoming like this. I've always been shy about voicing things (not so much doing) but I feel like it is starting to get worse. I know that my self body image has a lot to do with it (but at 5'2" and 130lbs my husband swears that I look good). But I'm not the 5'2" 115lb person I was before getting pregnant.


----------



## too_shy (Aug 13, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> How are you feeling on the new meds?
> 
> I agree with Mr. Fisty, something is going against your true nature. You are not feeling safe for some reason. Think on things that happen pior to all when you started feeling this way. Something happened.
> 
> You are going need more help than TAM if you continue to feel this way.


New meds = up and down. I'm still having mood swings and getting adjusted. But Welbutrin is the one SSRI that is supposed to help libido.. although I don't think that's an issue. I have a high enough drive..


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

What you mean by "shouldering the blame"? Are you resenting him for something?


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Meds might be able to treat the anxiety, but given that the anxiety is situational you really need to look into what is triggering it. Is there any particular set of circumstances--an act, or a particular setting that seems to coincide?

Not sure if Wellbutrin is effective at treating anxiety. You may need to pair it up with another SSRI that's good for anxiety like citalopram.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Anxiety can easily build. When you experience anxiety, you tend to shy away from that which causes anxiety, which reinforces the anxiety. Over time, the anxiety actually gets worse because each time you've shied away from the activity, you've reinforced the anxiety.

You're taking Wellbutrin, which is excellent but I'm sure you know that will take 4-6-8 weeks before you see the full effect, if it is effective for you. During this time period it's important you work on resetting your brains response to anxiety. And this is where your husband can help.

Together, he can prompt you with words and or phrases (for the dirty talk portion of your anxiety)and demand that you speak them clearly and with conviction. For the body image he makes you repeat self affirming phrases again with conviction. I know all of this sounds silly, but it works and now is the time to do it while your brain chemistry is being altered by the Wellbutrin.


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

You said he was young.. How old are you ?

I was sort of thinking the baby had something to do it with subconsciously as well.. 

You know, there was a time in my life in my 20s.. Where my sexual appetite was much different then it is now.. Back then I didn't think much of the issue of sharing my first ex wife, though it never happened. But IT WAS going in that direction.

But as time went by and as I had kids.. I got older.. My love for my 2nd wife just grew. Granted part of my fault was I put her on a pedestal.. But nonetheless, there came a time where I just could NEVER see myself sharing my wife with anyone.. 

Today I am dating and with someone I hope is serious enough that I could never share with anyone.. We broke up for a short time ( my fault and choice ) and it kills me she dated.. Nothing happen but some a couple of dates and talking and lip smacking.. But that alone bothers me.. But yes I know it's my fault.. Again it's retarded I get it..

But you just can't understand how the mind and emotions work sometimes.. 

Another simple example.. I'm a Cop/Detective 25 years.. Before I had kids I would feel bad for parents of dead kids.. I've felt bad seeing dead kids.. 

But now that I have my own.. Holy crap.. I cry at seeing that stuff now..

Now I cry during sad movies.. That the kind of sap I have become..

People change.. Maybe you just changed and you haven't realized it yet...


----------



## too_shy (Aug 13, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> What you mean by "shouldering the blame"? Are you resenting him for something?


Not at all. I'm just ****ty at apologizing. When I'm wrong, I'd rather stay quiet.. just stubborn..


----------



## too_shy (Aug 13, 2015)

Hardtohandle said:


> You said he was young.. How old are you ?
> 
> I was sort of thinking the baby had something to do it with subconsciously as well..
> 
> ...


I am 31, he's 27. He isn't that much younger than me, but when I met him I was coming off a 5 year divorce from a man that was 26 years my senior (long story) and he was just what I needed - a complete change of pace. That fling grew into something else entirely. Now I can't imagine anything else.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Work on the exercises that Anon Pink gave you.

And I agree with badsanta and HTOH, I think you are changing slowly. Being someone mother, changes the game. As your child grows, your mothering instincts changes, you are thinking about the future and the wellbeing of your child. Are you thinking if you can trust this man to care, protect, nuture both you and your child. Are you thinking more about the impact of your life style on family life. All of these questions come into play for you to ask yourself.

Or maybe you just want plain vanilla with him taking control over you in bedroom. Or something that seems irrelevant happen but you brain is holding on to it. There is a reason for your reaction.

As your marriage gets older, you go thru different stages. Nothing stays the same. The key is to keep talking to your husband. Let him know what your thought processes are. Don't be worried or shy to explain how you feel to him. Or he is going to start noticing your reaction and then start second guessing you. Before you know it, things get messy and it does pretty quickly.

Take some time away from the baby. Go to dinner and talk. Let your husband know this is how you are feeling. That this is what you are experiencing. Ask for his opinion and feelings. Get him involved.

If it gets worst get some professional help. In fact don't wait around too long, you want to nip this in the bud.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

too_shy said:


> However, our sex life is still kinky. That's just who we are. We enjoy threesomes, BDSM, voyeurism etc etc. My husband purchased a strap on a while back and wanted me to use it on him. I have and I like it, and so does he.
> 
> However, recently I've become more and more shy in the bedroom. It's getting so bad, that I am tragically paralyzed by fear/anxiety. *He wants me to take the lead and use the strap on, but for some reason I can't. *I'm afraid that he will think I'm silly, I constantly compare myself to his other sexual encounters, and the little extra weight I've put on since having a baby has done a number on my self confidence.
> 
> ...


Who was D who was s in this relationship? Or you switch? You said he wants you take a lead - are you comfortable in this role? Or you prefer him being in charge?

Also - about dirty talking in the bedroom. If you do not enjoy it, don't do it. Even kinskters have their preferences. If this turns you off, or stresses you, just stop. But talk to him about all those issues. 
And if you worried about those extra pounds - get some nice sexy outfit that will cover it. French maid, or baby doll lingerie.


----------

