# Who comes first - spouse or children?



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

This was mentioned in another thread but thought it warranted discussion.

I know women on both sides of that argument. But my best friend and I agree the primary relationship must come first. I was a woman first (and must honor her by behaving in an independent, self preserving manner), I was a wife second (and that is my primary relationship) and a mother 3rd.

Yes, a mother's love is unconditional and sometimes children DO need to come first - I'm not talking about ignoring a crying baby. But I need to come first sometimes (the woman) so if I need a quiet bath or a shopping trip unencumbered by a child, I don't feel guilty asserting that need. 

Then, sometimes the spouse needs to come first - that is the basis for the child's emotional security. Adults must present as a unified front to children so they understand who is in charge and feel happy and secure. And of course there are lots of times a child must come first but it should not be the general rule. I think it results in a spouse feeling neglected. All must be well balanced.

And I feel if I'm happy woman, I'm a better wife (or girlfriend now) and if I'm a better wife who is happy with herself and in her marriage, I'll be a better mother. Each begets the other.

Now in the age of divorce, including my own due to an abusive husband, do I put my boyfriend first or my child? There are still times one will come before the other. But I'm basing this on the assumption that he'll be around when she goes off to college and I need my primary relationship to be solid. My daughter will respect that as long as she is not neglected in the process. I think the key is to make sure they feel equally loved and treasured.

Who comes first in your marriage? 
Has your current hierarchy helped or hindered your marriage?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Wrong question. Its not one or the other, and you cant assume it works that way.

The corect answer is 'my family comes first'. Sometimes that means children comes first - but no part of the family can be neglected, nor can the marriage. It all requires work.

Assuming you have to make a choice misses the point. Sometimes the greatest thing you can do for your children is to love even pamper your spouse and show it. Sometimes caring for your children as you do will strengthen your marriage and foster love and respect on all sides.

Saying 'my priority is (one or the other)' is a recipe for disaster in my opinion. There is no 'hierarchy'.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Marriage
Children come into the marriage
Children leave the marriage
Marriage.

The marriage must always come first.

I know many (now single) women who put the children ahead of the spouse & the husbands were neglected, some cheated & they all left.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

There are times and specific circumstances when you have to make a choice. But I don't think it needs to be your whole philosophy - (e.g. the kids come first). I guess in a "perfect" marriage, the H & W as a team put the kids needs ahead of their own, but that doesn't mean they ignore each other's needs.

I guess I'm trying to say it is the extremes that create a recipe for failure.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I put my wife and child ahead of myself (most of the time) and my wife does the same. I give 60% and expect 40% in return as does she. I sold my beloved car 6 months after we found out we was having our son. Would have been sooner but it took me that long to wear down my wife so she didn't fight me on it. My wife and I believe that if you are a bad parent you are a bad spouse and a bad spouse is a bad parent. They are intertwined and can not be separated, if you have children.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Women lose their entire being when they put their kids first. But it all depends if you want to be Enjoli or Mommy? Kids grow up, move out, and move on with their own lives. That can leave a mom very lonely when the kiddies are gone. JMO.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I juggle everyone of my relationships. I do focus on the marriage because I know that one day the children will leave but as another guy said "family first" and it means who needs to be first is first at the moment. 
Balancing act for sure but I would never put my spouse above my children or my children above my spouse for too long or permanently because they are my family and all important to me.
I do put my H and children above everyone else in my life, friends, extended family, every one is second to them.


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## Jason439 (Jul 16, 2012)

My children will always come first in my life. They are the greatest gift of my life.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

It isn't an all or nothing proposition, but if you always put children (or work, hobbies, friends, etc...) first, you alienate and probably lose your spouse.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Women lose their entire being when they put their kids first. But it all depends if you want to be Enjoli or Mommy? Kids grow up, move out, and move on with their own lives. That can leave a mom very lonely when the kiddies are gone. JMO.


I guess this, more than a 'hierarchy' is what I meant.

I was me first. In my marriage I put my daughter first because 1) I grew to resent my critical, abusive ex, and 2) heck, I liked her better! But in tolerating what I did, I lost myself. I forgot to stand up for me, do things I enjoyed and cultivate interests and a life outside of 'mommy'. I used my mommyness as a shield.

When I left I started putting myself first some of the time and I found it refreshing and it allowed me to become a more interesting and energetic person. I was actually a better mother in that I was also now a better example of a human being.

I adore my daughter. I put her first a lot, just not to the detriment of my own well-being.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Jason439 said:


> My children will always come first in my life. They are the greatest gift of my life.


Neglect your spouse and they'll be the only gift in your life.


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## Jason439 (Jul 16, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Neglect your spouse and they'll be the only gift in your life.


They are the only gift in my life. My wife checked out of the marriage a while ago now. Her greatest gift seems to be her iPhone.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Jason439 said:


> They are the only gift in my life. My wife checked out of the marriage a while ago now. Her greatest gift seems to be her iPhone.


Hmmm....maybe you should get a babysitter, you wife can put down the iPhone, and you can have an actual relationship. What happens when your kids are grown and gone?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Jason439 said:


> They are the only gift in my life. My wife checked out of the marriage a while ago now. Her greatest gift seems to be her iPhone.


Very enlightening...


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## Betrayed&Confused (Sep 11, 2012)

My children (especially my sick child) come first. That doesnt mean that I neglect my husband it just means that I make sure my kids needs are met first. I think I feel pretty strongly about this because i do have a sick child. You cant exactly neglect the needs of a baby with heart problems. And why would I want to? They are my world. My husband could be gone tomorrow and move on to a new woman but these kids will always be mine.


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## Jason439 (Jul 16, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Hmmm....maybe you should get a babysitter, you wife can put down the iPhone, and you can have an actual relationship. What happens when your kids are grown and gone?


Unfortunately, we're well beyond that point. 

That being said, my kids have always been my # 1 priority.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Jason439 said:


> Unfortunately, we're well beyond that point.
> 
> That being said, my kids have always been my # 1 priority.


I think the point people are trying to make is that if your kids have always been #1, you shouldn't be surprised your wife checked out.


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## Betrayed&Confused (Sep 11, 2012)

Acorn said:


> I think the point people are trying to make is that if your kids have always been #1, you shouldn't be surprised your wife checked out.


I guess I am a little confused... why should a spouse "check out" because the kids are #1. I expect my husband to put our kids ahead of me. If I ever started doing something to hurt our family or our kids I would expect him to kick my ass out to save the kids from whatever I was doing. If we were on a sinking ship and my husband could only save me or the kids, I would expect him to save the kids. 
When you have kids you are supposed to take care of them and protect them and nurture them. Why is that wrong? And why should that hurt a marriage? I just dont get it.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Betrayed&Confused said:


> I guess I am a little confused... why should a spouse "check out" because the kids are #1. I expect my husband to put our kids ahead of me. If I ever started doing something to hurt our family or our kids I would expect him to kick my ass out to save the kids from whatever I was doing. If we were on a sinking ship and my husband could only save me or the kids, I would expect him to save the kids.
> When you have kids you are supposed to take care of them and protect them and nurture them. Why is that wrong? And why should that hurt a marriage? I just dont get it.


Your expectations are that you and your spouse put the kids first. If your spouse was a person who expected to put you first and you to put him first, you would have a bit of a problem, eh?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Betrayed&Confused said:


> I guess I am a little confused... why should a spouse "check out" because the kids are #1. I expect my husband to put our kids ahead of me. If I ever started doing something to hurt our family or our kids I would expect him to kick my ass out to save the kids from whatever I was doing. If we were on a sinking ship and my husband could only save me or the kids, I would expect him to save the kids.
> When you have kids you are supposed to take care of them and protect them and nurture them. Why is that wrong? And why should that hurt a marriage? I just dont get it.


So, you always put your husband as #2 (at best). And now you find yourself on TAM with the handle Betrayed and Confused. And you still don't get it? You're not putting 2 + 2 together here?

Anyway, my personal opinion is that our spouses have to be #1. Not 100% of the time, but the vast majority of the time. A spouse that is consistently #2 in a persons life will eventually check out.

I deserve to be #1 in my wife's life. Children will come and go. My kids are very important to me, but my wife is #1.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

No one is saying to neglect the kids. Think of it as laying a foundation. If it isn't strong (you + spouse = primary relationship), then what have you got?


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## Jason439 (Jul 16, 2012)

I should clarify. My marriage is in its current state due to many factors. 50% of it is my doing (I own that). 50% is her doing (not sure if she owns up to her portion). 

We have grown apart in so many ways, it is too numerous to list. She checked out more than a year ago, I'm ready to move on. (After the well being of our children is guaranteed). 

The fact that both of us put our children first has nothing to do the fact our marriage is pretty much over and we are living like roommates. 

Children are born into this world helpless and their growth/survival depends greatly on their needs being met first. This is what the responsibility of being a parent means to me. It may not be everyone's idea of parenthood, but it is mine. 

My children loved me unconditionally from the moment they were born, it is my goal to provide them the same unconditional love for as long as I'm alive.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Betrayed&Confused said:


> I guess I am a little confused... why should a spouse "check out" because the kids are #1. I expect my husband to put our kids ahead of me. If I ever started doing something to hurt our family or our kids I would expect him to kick my ass out to save the kids from whatever I was doing. If we were on a sinking ship and my husband could only save me or the kids, I would expect him to save the kids.
> When you have kids you are supposed to take care of them and protect them and nurture them. Why is that wrong? And why should that hurt a marriage? I just dont get it.


You are right of course. Its just semantics and thought experiments... which was why I said 'this is the wrong question' as it sort of assumes people cannot walk and chew gum at the same time... or that attention to one implies neglect of the other - even though it doesnt. get it? 

Same here - kids first - I depend on my wife to think of the kids first in fact. However - she takes care of me too, and I love her for that - and for taking care of the kids. I dont think anyone here is advocating neglecting anything. Its just one of those quetions that turns into a rabbit hole if you look too closely at it and start keeping score for who is more important.

Step _away_ from the rabbit hole folks. 

Sinking ship? Yeah - thats obvious.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I don't even think there needs to be a competition.

If you do not show your kids enough attention, they may grow up feeling unloved and visits may be pretty sparse after they eventually leave.

If you do not show your spouse enough attention, they may grow to feel unloved and leave to find someone who will give them attention and make them feel loved.

If you do not love yourself, you will feel unloved and lost.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I do love my daughter unconditionally.

Maybe an example of how this manifests itself. 

When your spouse comes first, you tell your kid to turn off the TV because Mom/Dad is sleeping late. You ask your spouse choose dinner location and don't always cater to the children. When the children interrupt your conversation to tell them to not interrupt and you finish your discussion with your spouse (emergencies exception). You do not celebrate adult milestones with the children (anniversaries don't mean family dinner out - it means get a babysitter or send to family member, etc.) And sometimes it means letting kids (age appropriate) watch cartoons on Saturday morning while you lock the door and tell them you're "snoozing" a little longer. As they get older it may mean letting the teen stay after school to see the football game so you have adult time or dropping them off at the movies with a friend while you go to a corner bar for a drink and adult conversation. 

These things all imply that the parents' needs are more 'important'. so kids don't become the center of the marital universe. These are real life examples I've seen or heard being discussed.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I deserve to be #1 in my wife's life. Children will come and go.


WoM, I agree with you in principal. But I'm feeling a bit "snarky", so from the legendary Clint E - "_deserves got nothing to do with it_". And my older kids have come and gone.....and come back again....and gone and....well, you get the idea. I just hope I set that boundary better with my younger ones.


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## Betrayed&Confused (Sep 11, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So, you always put your husband as #2 (at best). And now you find yourself on TAM with the handle Betrayed and Confused. And you still don't get it? You're not putting 2 + 2 together here?
> 
> Anyway, my personal opinion is that our spouses have to be #1. Not 100% of the time, but the vast majority of the time. A spouse that is consistently #2 in a persons life will eventually check out.
> 
> I deserve to be #1 in my wife's life. Children will come and go. My kids are very important to me, but my wife is #1.


Does it feel good to be mean to a random stranger on the internet? My marriage problems have nothing to do with my kids. Maybe you should find my first post about my husbands brain injury and how he has never been the same since. I had a very successful happy marriage for 13 years before his brain injury. But thanks for the mean response.


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## Betrayed&Confused (Sep 11, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I do love my daughter unconditionally.
> 
> Maybe an example of how this manifests itself.
> 
> ...


Hmm I agree with all of this but I guess I dont look at it as "putting first". We are the adults/parents so we get to go out to have an anniversary dinner alone. We respect each other so if one person is sleeping in, the other parent keeps the kids quiet or takes the outside for a little while. If one of us (or both of us) needs a little kid free time then we get a babysitter and have a night out. I just dont look at that as putting one in front of the other. 

I think making kids the "center of the universe" usually produces entitled spoiled brat kids and miserable parents. I am sure that would definitely put a strain on any marriage.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Women lose their entire being when they put their kids first. But it all depends if you want to be Enjoli or Mommy? Kids grow up, move out, and move on with their own lives. That can leave a mom very lonely when the kiddies are gone. JMO.


And I've seen how destructive that can be. The mothers who base their entire identity on their children end up suffocating their children. Those children either become hopelessly dependent on their mom or they desperately want to get away from their mom so they have some room to breathe.

If parents are constantly sacrificing their own lives to cater to their children, what does that teach the kid? He or she is super important and it's normal for people to worship them like a god. It'll be a huge shock when they are thrown into the real world where the exact opposite is true.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> When your spouse comes first, you tell your kid to turn off the TV because Mom/Dad is sleeping late. You ask your spouse choose dinner location and don't always cater to the children. When the children interrupt your conversation to tell them to not interrupt and you finish your discussion with your spouse (emergencies exception). You do not celebrate adult milestones with the children (anniversaries don't mean family dinner out - it means get a babysitter or send to family member, etc.) And sometimes it means letting kids (age appropriate) watch cartoons on Saturday morning while you lock the door and tell them you're "snoozing" a little longer. As they get older it may mean letting the teen stay after school to see the football game so you have adult time or dropping them off at the movies with a friend while you go to a corner bar for a drink and adult conversation.
> 
> These things all imply that the parents' needs are more 'important'. so kids don't become the center of the marital universe. These are real life examples I've seen or heard being discussed.


When my kids interrupt someone, I do not stop them from interrupting because parents are more important, but because I need to teach them how to be polite. When my kids blast the TV when someone is sleeping, I don't turn down the TV because the sleeping person is more important, but because I need to teach them that they have to respect others as well as themselves. When my kids protest private time, I am showing them that it is ok for a wife and husband to make time for themselves.

Anyway, I thought a lot of your examples were positive ones for both parents and children alike. I would expect that if my wife interrupted my kids all the time, or if she blasted the TV when the kids were sleeping, or if she interrupted reserved father/son time, the way I handled things may differ but the underlying reaction would not be dissimilar.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm not trying to be mean to you, I'm trying to open your eyes. Sorry it hurt your feelings.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

My Mother had 6 children. All six of us would ask her "Who do you love the most?" She would always say "Your Father." That made us happy.

The love in a marriage is different than the love for a child. It is not a competition. This does not mean the childrens' needs are neglected. A good marriage is the foundation of good co-parenting & should be protected.

Remember the song......First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

I think your fulfilling your spouse's needs should be your #1 priority most of the time. And your spouse and children should come before all else...FOO, friends, hobbies, etc. 

It bothers me...when we're young, we hear "boy/girlfriends come and go, but friends are forever" And as we get older, it's the same, but instead of friends, it's children. And people who truly believe that wonder why their marriages / relationships never work out. 

My mom was like this. Put us first. Now that my brother and I are both grown and out of the house, she can't function if we don't visit her often, because she gets lonely and doesn't know what to do with herself. She doesn't go out with friends anymore, nor does she do anything that she loved to do before she had children. Then again, in my culture, NOT putting your children / parents first is considered extremely selfish. It certainly has put a damper on my brother and I trying to build a life of our own.

I honestly think a lot of problems in marriages / relationships would be eliminated if people put their partners first. Unfortunately, our partners are the easiest people to take for granted.


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