# What to do about a controlling spouse?



## Stuckinarut (Oct 11, 2010)

Hello I'm 50 with older teens and married a long time.

Do you think my hubby is controlling?

For example, at the start of the weekend, if he was to say "let's go somewhere for a day out tomorrow or Sunday" I would gladly say yes I'd love to, and make plans. But if I decide we should do something..... like today i fancied going for a walk/bike ride (the two of us) but it would've been nice if the sun came out (it was cloudy, but fair + mild) so we never bothered. but if it was his idea we would have gone. And if it was his idea, I'd have happily obliged. 

So because we never planned anything, i became committed to doing other things, which i'm annoyed about now, but he says "we'll do something later" but what? Now the sun is out!

For some reason he's ok to do stuff at the last minute, particularly if he sees the sun out. I'm a compulsive person myself, so this is ok. But sometimes you have plans in advance and difficult to change them, some notice would be nice.

I just feel annoyed and not sure what i should do to change things. I LIKE for him to suggest things + places to go/visit as I always feel it's better that way. I rarely feel what I suggest is any good (though sometimes he goes along with it and it's ok) and if it goes wrong, it feels like my fault.

Not sure if this is making sense.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

I feel your pain.
Its almost like we have enabled them to do this since we allowed it to continue.
My husband will not see a movie I want to see. He will take control of the tv remote. If I am channe surfing and he walks in the room I end up giving him the remlote to avoid the comments like this is stupid I don't want to watch this. I think they are controlling people but I am not sure there is much we can do to change them unless they understand what they are doing is wrong and make an effort to change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NSaudagar (Feb 23, 2012)

Hey..... 
this is not wt u say controlling.....

If ur spouse don't want to do somethings without u, then i think u need to give some space to him.

Don't do the things which irritate him. 

U know 1 thing...
In any relationship the living together is needed bt with it some distance is also required. Give a chance to miss u.

So.....
Don't think that ur partner don't like u, U just need to keep some distance from him. Nd see, ur life goes better.

Best of Luck,
Bye


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## NSaudagar (Feb 23, 2012)

And this is for u Cogo123,

Listen, u r expecting wt?
ur partner lives like u want.
It's never happens..... 

May be u both having diff diff choices, habits. Bt see in world u never find a person who is similar to u. U have to manage or sacrifice with him. If he want to see something, u ask him abt it. Show ur interest in it.

Then he says abt that thing, 
He says why this thing likes him, 
he says some things those r really amazing nd may be u start liking to that thing.

So, Do 1 thing...
Just show ur interest in his things, nd see the change...

Best of Luck
Bye


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I'm not sure it's what I would call controlling behaviour. More of a lack of respect for your input and thoughts and ideas.

Stand your ground if you want to do something and if he refuses, go anyway. If he comes up with an idea that you don't like and won't do anything for you, then learn to say no as well. If you stop giving in maybe you can get some balance and respect back. Marriage is supposed to be a parnership not a one way street. He won't learn if you keep saying yes to everything he wants and stay silent when he says no to yours.


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## Stuckinarut (Oct 11, 2010)

Cogo123 said:


> I feel your pain.
> Its almost like we have enabled them to do this since we allowed it to continue.
> My husband will not see a movie I want to see. He will take control of the tv remote. If I am channe surfing and he walks in the room I end up giving him the remlote to avoid the comments like this is stupid I don't want to watch this. I think they are controlling people but I am not sure there is much we can do to change them unless they understand what they are doing is wrong and make an effort to change.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have made me think, Cogo, maybe I am just as controlling. You see, my hubby WILL watch stuff I prefer to watch on TV and it's usually me that is in charge of the remote. Sometimes he will take charge to watch something HE wants to watch, but rare.


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## Stuckinarut (Oct 11, 2010)

Gratitude said:


> I'm not sure it's what I would call controlling behaviour. More of a lack of respect for your input and thoughts and ideas.
> 
> Stand your ground if you want to do something and if he refuses, go anyway. If he comes up with an idea that you don't like and won't do anything for you, then learn to say no as well. If you stop giving in maybe you can get some balance and respect back. Marriage is supposed to be a parnership not a one way street. He won't learn if you keep saying yes to everything he wants and stay silent when he says no to yours.


Often I do something I want, even if he doesn't want to do it. So it's not like I miss out. Sometimes he MIGHT relunctantly follow and ends up enjoying himself. I must admit, sometimes I do say no to some of the things he suggests

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. Maybe things aren't so bad afterall


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## sunra (Jul 26, 2011)

My husband does the same thing. I'm cool with trying out what he suggests, but he won't bend when it comes to my ideas. So instead of asking me to join in what he likes, he goes alone so that he doesn't have to reciprocate. 

I am sorry. I don't think this is very helpful. I will continue to follow this thread hoping for some good insight.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Stuckinarut said:


> Hello I'm 50 with older teens and married a long time.
> 
> Do you think my hubby is controlling?
> 
> ...


I guess I am controlling because I expect the weekends to be for my wife and I to do things planned or spontaneous. The answer? She lets me know her plans in advance. Go figure. She is considerate that way. But in general she knows to stay available. I love her for that.

Where I differ si that I am all for things she wants to do for the most part. I just enjoy being with her.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*She lets me knw her plans in advance. Go figure. She is considerate that way. But in general she knows to stay available. I love her for that.

Where I differ si that I am all for things she wants to do for the most part. I just enjoy being with her.
*

This is how we do it. We tell each other any outstanding plans, like he has club meetings some Saturdays... so I'll tell him then I'm going to do something with the girls and we'll meet back at the house at 3ish to figure out if we want to do anything. But that time is then set aside no matter if we do anything or nothing. 

Sometimes I need to babysit grandkids, so I let him know in advance.... then either he gets "free time" to do whatever/wherever, or we make kid-friendly plans.

The point is, we communicate ALOT. We also appreciate each others company whether there are concrete plans or not. We enjoy each other's company....


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Gratitude said:


> I'm not sure it's what I would call controlling behaviour. More of a lack of respect for your input and thoughts and ideas.


Agree. Words like controlling (and more seriously, abusive) are misused greatly to address a situation where one is not achieving the desired result.

Here, he is just not responding to your needs as you would like him to. He is not making you do a particular action, nor is her punishing you for failing to do so.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Dr. Phil's show tomorrow is about controlling spouses, although I think the couple he is having on is borderline abusive.

Might have some interesting pointers.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

As my H will do, he will ask me where I want to go eat? So I will mention one place, (he says no), so I mention another place (he says no) another (no),,, so then it comes down to one last place where I suppose he originally wanted to go anyway.... WTH!!

So I just tell him that he needs to make the decisions, since he doesn't let me decide anyway.. 

To me, that's controlling


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

in my opinion (based on the OPs first post) this is NOT a controller...

my first husband was a controller..
examples?

telling me to change my clothes...my jeans were to clingy..
telling me to not eat the chips that he had bought..my thighs were too big already (130 lbs size 7)
going thru my purse on a regular basis
making me account for every cent i spent...even on groceries..though i made twice his income
not allowing me a bank card of my own..never mind a credit card! 

ohhhh soooooo much more. I divorced his arse after ten years..

remarried to the most giving uncontrolling man in the world now..

NEVER be controlled..it sucks the life out of your soul.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Your husband does not sound controlling. Maybe a little annoying because the communication between you two isn't exactly clear about what your expectations are, though. And, he sounds like he is more committed to what he's chosen to do than what you've chosen to do, which borders on being a little dominant but isn't out of the ordinary.

Controlling is something else. I'll give you an example. WH was angry that I was buying groceries that sometimes went to waste. He was also angry that I wasn't losing weight fast enough, so I would eat less and he was out at all hours and not really eating at home and didn't like my cooking, so things would spoil sometimes. We went to the grocery store and he would literally stop me from buying things, even healthy things, if he thought it wasn't what I should be eating or something he didn't like or that he thought was frivolous. I picked up cucumbers and pineapple from a store and put them in the basket. He turned around and furiously cut me down (so that others were disturbed at hearing it), saying loudly that he was so sick of my wasting food that goes bad in the fridge that if I pick that up and bring it it home and it goes bad, he will ram it down my throat anyway so it doesn't get wasted, so I had better think about it before I buy it. People were staring at us. I was so humiliated that I put everything that I had picked up back on the shelves and let him choose what we were buying after that. I only selected groceries when I was out alone, for weeks, letting him take charge instead. I know he didn't mean to be so nasty, but it wasn't very respectful of him. He got his way by bullying. We are now separated because we disagree about the definition of betrayal (he cheated, I called him out on it and he says I betrayed him) and he expects me to change mine and apologize. THAT is controlling.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stop placating him


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Stop placating him


:iagree::iagree::iagree:Big time agree! Well said, Jellybeans.

The more you let him get away with it, the more he will do it. Realize that it's in your hands to give in or not give in, whether it's an imbalance of power or dysfunctional control.


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