# change in a relationship



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

what are the stragies to deal with a partner who is acting very differently?

i'm in a relationship where something has changed. been here long enough to understand the sign or red flags, the question is what to do about it?

my partner recently told me she though maybe it was time for various resasons to but some "space" in our relationship to work things out. My initial thought is that is no way to handle issues. that you either are or arent in a relationship, that space is simply a way to bow out slowly. she agreed and decided to stay, as did I.

but the change is undeniable. her wanting more time to go out with single girl friends. negative view of me and my feelings (instead of empathising with me she tells me my feelings are wrong). inability to plan and follow through with things, loss of sexual intamacy, and other red flags.

i dont suspect (yet) that she is cheating but the change is significant enough that i expect maybe at the beging stage of an EA.

since we arent married i can just walk away. so what do you tell the person, who denies anything is going on? now you need space? no reason given?

its sad, because i really identified with this person. and maybe thats the problem. its been said the person who is willing to leave the realtionship has the "power" (to me that means control), but that all means the other person is weak. I dont want to be either.

learned here long ago to trust my gut, and right now my gut is telling me bad things.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

"I want space" is womanese for "I've met someone..."

No kids, not married? Then walk away. Put the burden of proof (she has to SHOW you that she wants to be with ONLY you) on her.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Read the 180. It will help you improve. Also, work on being more attractive in your actions and appearance. You can't control her, but you can improve your status. I would start looking for other signs as well.

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> Read the 180. It will help you improve. Also, work on being more attractive in your actions and appearance. You can't control her, but you can improve your status. I would start looking for other signs as well.
> 
> The Healing Heart: The 180


This^^^
Start going out yourself don't tell her where make her wonder what you are up to.
You could check her phone and put a voice activated recorder in her car if you want to find out what you are up against or just move on it's your call.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

F-102 said:


> "I want space" is womanese for "I've met someone..."
> 
> No kids, not married? Then walk away. Put the burden of proof (she has to SHOW you that she wants to be with ONLY you) on her.


agreed.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

tom67 said:


> This^^^
> Start going out yourself don't tell her where make her wonder what you are up to.
> You could check her phone and put a voice activated recorder in her car if you want to find out what you are up against or just move on it's your call.


another "agree".

the right thing to do is just walk away. why stay in a relationship where you feel like your concerns are being met with hostility.

the reason for wanting to dig deeper and find the truth is for my sake of mind......am i being insecure/irrational or did i make the right call.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

x598 said:


> another "agree".
> 
> the right thing to do is just walk away. why stay in a relationship where you feel like your concerns are being met with hostility.
> 
> the reason for wanting to dig deeper and find the truth is for my sake of mind......am i being insecure/irrational or did i make the right call.


Go ahead and dig for a short time if you want.
Have a friend follow her one night.
Is she glued to her phone, is it locked?
Do you live with her?
Take time to assess what YOU want.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

A VAR in her car should get you results.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

x598

Here are some more thoughts to consider.

Learn more about game for relationships. Not to become a PU artist but to add excitement and flirting to your mix.

Realize that someone who you chase will tend to run away. If you are heading in your own direction, women tend to want to follow (if they are attracted to you).

Create curiosity and diversity. Do new things, go to new places, leave her home and seek your own enjoyment.

Realize that most relationships fade with time. Marriages crumble. People tire of each other. It might be a problem for her. She might not be capable of LTRs. That is ok. Do not place your own value at her feet. Your value is to yourself and what you can do for those who appreciate you.

Give yourself some time to adjust to the idea that it might be over. You don't have to completely write her off at this point, but your gut is warning you for a reason. It is painful to feel rejected. We understand that, but know that new doors will open as you move forward in your life. There are literally millions of available women. Someone else may find you irresistible. Maybe you should think of this as an opportunity to begin a new chapter.

I believe that women tend to validate their men based on the attention the men receive from other women. As you detach and work on your attractiveness, other women will begin to pay more attention to you. The competitive spirit that most women have will begin to show. You begin to become the prize for her to win.

Just ideas. I think most of this stuff works.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

Any time anyone says "I need space" they are ALWAYS, ALWAYS either seeing someone else or thinking about seeing someone else. 

Turn the tables on her. Tell her you're done and don't answer any texts or calls. If you really want her, that's the best way to get her back. _There is nothing more true in existence than what I have just told you._ Women are born to lie about everything. This is the only way to find the truth and save your relationship with her.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> x598
> 
> Here are some more thoughts to consider.
> 
> ...


everything you laid out here is what brought us together in the begining. i believe my "rank" was high in here eyes in the begining. now not so much.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

DarkHoly said:


> Any time anyone says "I need space" they are ALWAYS, ALWAYS either seeing someone else or thinking about seeing someone else.
> 
> Turn the tables on her. Tell her you're done and don't answer any texts or calls. If you really want her, that's the best way to get her back. _There is nothing more true in existence than what I have just told you._ Women are born to lie about everything. This is the only way to find the truth and save your relationship with her.


this is exactly what i have been contemplating. thank you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I know many, many women who have felt and said they 'need space' without having a specific replacement man in mind. I have been there myself in my life.

The women with poor boundaries and (sigh..) cheating hearts are the ones who will tell you this as a means of going to the other man without owning up to it with the current person.

That being said, the 'I need space' speech has also almost always been the death knell of the relationship. It means that she just isn't feeling it for you anymore. Many women honestly think that some space and time will help them get their heads straight and bring back their interest in the SO. I don't know how often the feelings are rekindled, though. In my own life, there were a few instances where they seemed to return, but it wasn't long before I realized I was really done.

I think you should cut your losses now.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I need to say as well that only some women are 'born to lie.' I have one sister that I would characterize that way actually. Every other woman I know - every one - I would never say that about.

There are also hundreds of sad threads here from BW's where one could easily get the impression that many men are born to lie. I know way too many good men, however, so I know that that impression is simply not correct.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

I was in your exact place about 12 years ago. She started going out more and more and I wanted to be the “cool” boyfriend and let her have her fun. Of course she made a new “just friends” boyfriend and got more distance. Eventually I just asked her if she wanted to break up and all she did was cry (we had been living together for 4 years). I tried to talk it out of it but no bueno.

She moved out and by a strange coincidence immediately start dating this “friend”. It lasted all of a month from what I hear (I went NC for about 6 months). When I broke NC to give her some stuff back she was all about going out again but I found someone else so had to turn her down. Later I found its very typical for them to come crawling back when you go NC for some time. 

Knowing what I know now, it looks like in your case this is the beginning of the end. I’d beat her to the punch mainly because no matter if she wants to split up or not she will want to do it under her terms so will flip her lid if you take control and do it first. It’s HIGHLY likely there’s an OM so if it’s early enough trying to break up (I said trying, good chance she will try to stop you) may turn the focus back to you over him. If not she is too far gone for you to do anything about it so cutting your losses under your terms would be best.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

I'll add on to the what the others have been saying... Space?



> "I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.
> 
> Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings."
> 
> Dr. Willard Harley, author "His Needs Her Needs"


Coping with Infidelity: Beginning (Part 1)

I don't know if your spouse is having an affair, but I'm inclined to go with the guy who has been doing this since the late 60s, has seen it all, and has written some of the top material on the subject.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

“I need some space” can also mean that they need time to decide which guy they want. They make a list of the positives and negatives of each guy. It’s like shopping. 

If you’ve ever seen the show “House Hunters,” it’s like that. One house has a great location and the other has an attached garage. I think it’s kind of fun for them.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I disagree that she might be seeing anyone. She might not have the guts to call it quits, but the detachment has already started, you noticed the "change"

So now she's planning stuff without you, how long have you been together?

It's telling you said "inability to plan and follow through with things"
you need to expand on this. But that would be a huge red flag, maybe she might want more than you can give her, the grass is greener syndrome.

Again, I don't think it's nailed on that she's cheating, but pal the alarm bells are ringing loud and clear.

a) Stop trying to be nice, going to her and explaining your feelings or needs or seeking her empathy..everything you do from this point is going to make you look even weaker than you are. She's on her way to replacing you or moving you out of the picture. The next fun guy to catch her eye is going to look like a superstar compared to you.

b) No begging, over compensating, suddenly doing the things you weren't doing before, it will reek of BS and desperation.

You simply have a talk. Ask her if she wants to work on this relationship. Start making dates nights etc. But this only works if the two of you are pulling in the same direction. If she doesn't want to and still wants to go out with her single friends, tell her goodbye and it's been a blast (You see here, you made a decision and followed through on it..and you did it to her!!!)

But from now, do not, and I repeat, do not stand for any disrespect what so ever. She tells you this because she's not afraid to lose you. In her eyes your value is getting lower all the time. Time to raise it. Only you can re-balance this relationship.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Someone who was close to you in the first place would not simply say she needs space without really being able to explain to you why, regardless of whether there was someone else or interest in someone else, etc. 

Doesn't sound like you're losing much.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My wife used the "I need space" speech three times in our marraige. Everytime there was another man. 1999, 2010 and then in 2011. I knew by the thrid time that there was someone else.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

What amazes me Thor (and makes me admire you immensely) is that after all she put you through, you didn't toss her out. Does she have any idea how fortunate she is? Has she become the wife you always thought she could be?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> My wife used the "I need space" speech three times in our marraige. Everytime there was another man. 1999, 2010 and then in 2011. I knew by the thrid time that there was someone else.


Me too - exactly the same. On the fourth and last one I got in quick with 

"I suppose you'll be needing some space to sort yourself out" 

......"suitcase and clothes are upstairs" :smthumbup:


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Back to topic, I'd say if you will only find out by giving her the so called 'space'


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## z_man (Nov 1, 2013)

x598 said:


> my partner recently told me she though maybe it was time for various resasons to but some *"space" in our relationship to work things out.* My initial thought is that is no way to handle issues.


IME asking for "space" in a relationship is not an effective way to "work" on the relationship that may have some problems. You stay together so you can work on them together, not apart.

As others have noted, her asking for space means she wants to try out some other dude that has her attention while keeping you on the hook for backup.

This happened to me, my live in girlfriend or 2 years wanted us to have some time apart and how good this would be for the relationship, you know so we would "miss" each other. I agreed to her moving out for a month, but there was no clear boundaries or conditions around the "break" due to my inexperience.

The following month was pure hell as I got reports from friends that she was out partying, going on dates, and generally having a great time, while I barely got through work, started seeing a shrink, and lost 10 pounds for not eating/sleeping properly.

I would never go through that again and any time I hear the words "break" or "space" my response was:

"Sure honey, take all the space and time you want. Just do not expect me to be around anymore."

Best of luck to you.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

there doesnt seem to be a consensus that she is actively cheating and i agree.

this all started after she was gone for 9 days. a trip partially for business, but also to spend a couple days with her best friend as it was also her birthday.

i was busy with work back here. i didnt want to seem like a needy boyfriend so i didnt call or message as much as 'normal'. but i did communicate, i didnt disappear. she called me on it and i explained that to her. i messaged and called and wished her well on her birthday. but i could see some sort of distance already and that she was upset that i was calling "as much". the funny part is one of her coworkers on the trip was being blown up by her husband and she told me how annoying it was.

anyway, when i picked her up from the airport, that when i got the "maybe we need space" speech. there were other red flags too. the point is, thats when the REAL distance showed itslef and it hasnt been the same since.

im no longer able to reach her, i feel like my concerns are brushed off and im told im wrong.

if i had to guess, she is "shopping", thinking of another man at the very least.

i know what to do.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

thummper said:


> What amazes me Thor (and makes me admire you immensely) is that after all she put you through, you didn't toss her out. Does she have any idea how fortunate she is? Has she become the wife you always thought she could be?


She says she is greatful for me taking her back and showing her grace and mercy (her words).

My wife is now seriously ill. Has severe stenosis (narrowing in her spinal cord) in her spine which is causing severe headaches, virtigo, etc. It started in July 2013 and has gotten progressively worse. Just the other day her brain and feet stopped working together. She literally has to look at her feet placement as her brain has no clue as to what her feet are doing.

She will see a neurosurgeon at the end of the month and the potential surgery is risky and has a long recovery period of over 6 months.

If she does not have the surgery she will become permanantly paralyzed.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

x598 said:


> if i had to guess, she is "shopping", thinking of another man at the very least.
> 
> i know what to do.


Good man. Here is the thing, she probably will have buyer's remorse if she does have a new interest. It really doesn't matter. She has shown you her true colors. Not your type. Not for you. Not someone you want long term.

You are lucky. No children with her, no alimony, no family to break-up. A valuable lesson with only a few painful memories on your part.

Reminds me of a song. Lol! It is a country tune, so don't listen if you are afraid of ********! 

Dierks Bentley - How Am I Doin - YouTube


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If she wants space then give her all the space she wants and move on. To me that's nothing but being selfish. It's like her telling you that she wants to explore all her options and expects you to stay put and wait for her to make her mind up. 

If it was me, I would up and go without even telling her and if she really wants you, then let her do the chasing because if you wait, your jumping through the hoops and she's the ringmaster.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

x598 said:


> this all started after she was gone for 9 days. a trip partially for business, but also to spend a couple days with her best friend as it was also her birthday.


You may not have been ringing her phone, but somebody rang her bell on that trip. She was giving you grief as part of her Rationalization Hamster and blame shifting "utility software," which is a coping mechanism to override guilt.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

tom67 said:


> A VAR in her car should get you results.


What is a Var?.....and for the record on another thread, what is a BS?.....sorry if I am behind.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Another interpretation of the "we need a little space" speech

It was great when you were plan A but 

..........now you're plan something else so .........


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> She says she is greatful for me taking her back and showing her grace and mercy (her words).
> 
> My wife is now seriously ill. Has severe stenosis (narrowing in her spinal cord) in her spine which is causing severe headaches, virtigo, etc. It started in July 2013 and has gotten progressively worse. Just the other day her brain and feet stopped working together. She literally has to look at her feet placement as her brain has no clue as to what her feet are doing.
> 
> ...


Very sorry to hear that Thor, that must be very hard for you to deal with


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Var= voice activated recorder. Sony models around fifty dollars are best and use lithium batteries. One under the car seat stuck with heavy duty velcro usually catches things immediately. You can buy them at best buy and walmart. Another one in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone works great to.

Bs I betrayed spouse.

Girls nights out are poison to relationships. Sooner or later drinking and excitement will break up any couple. Usually sooner.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She may not be actively cheating, but that trip away and whatever she and her "toxic" GF (the one who complained about her H) did on her B-day has shown her that there is indeed life beyond you. In short, she wants to be an unattached party girl again.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

THe probability she is:
EA/ monkey vining early :90%
PA, that trip mentioned being VERY likely first hook up. 70%.

IF you want help in catching her I can post my standard spying post... if you want it but maybe you are already at the end point anyway.

LET ME KNOW!

WL


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I cant see how anybody would really need space if they loved their partner, and i do believe if they say this, then there is something more deeper than some time apart meaning other issues.

I cant say nor can anybody else if shes cheating on you, but i do not think her girlfriends are doing you any favours either.

I do agree with what you say tho, and that is to trust your gut.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Bottom line is she is looking for the exit, cheating or not.

Pretend to do her a "favor" and pull the trigger first. You will feel like a sap if you sit around and wait for her to dump you. She is going to expect you to try to talk her out of it so you will be fighting a battle you've already lost right out of the gate. Do the unexpected and be cool with it.

She is (or has) checked out of the relationship BUT there's the "you don't know what you got until it's gone" thing that's she hasn't had to deal with yet. Cut her loose and see what happens and go do your own thing. Statistically the odds are she will come banging on your door the minute you stop thinking about her.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

F-102 said:


> "I want space" is womanese for "I've met someone..."
> 
> No kids, not married? Then walk away. Put the burden of proof (she has to SHOW you that she wants to be with ONLY you) on her.


this...thread over

One of my uncles had this happen...his wife insisted there was no one else...she just wanted her space...to do what she wanted...he offered counseling, anything to work on their marriage but she insisted

she came home one day, the locks were changed and her **** was in the garage...week later she was served at her moms house with D and he NEVER looked back

give her space...the rest of her life should do it...


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

missthelove2013 said:


> this...thread over
> 
> One of my uncles had this happen...his wife insisted there was no one else...she just wanted her space...to do what she wanted...he offered counseling, anything to work on their marriage but she insisted
> 
> ...


Now I'll bet this is an interesting story. I don't suppose your uncle is on TAM is he? Sure love to hear his side of the whole thing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

update?


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