# narcissist? sociopath? just mean?? help...



## wanderinggirl (Sep 2, 2011)

Ok I stumbled across this website so I'm hoping that it was meant to be and someone will have concrete advice for me! I'm not sure what to do!

I met my husband 2.5 years ago and he saw what I was going through w a soon to be ex and felt bad for me and of course told me he could offer me better. 

We got together and he was sweet and great, but we fought about everything. 

I didn't examine that well enough before we got married which is my fault I realize, but now I'm really concerned.

He doesn't like to discuss problems AT ALL. If we have a problem he will ignore it, ask me to ignore, ignore me, emotionally hurt me until I give up and leave him alone. He tells me I'm griping at him or badgering him and he disconnects. When I feel like all I'm trying to do is sit down and discuss the problem and come up with a resolution. 

He will call me names or suggest I am a crybaby (but say he's not calling me one), he will call me weak when I cry, mock me when I'm upset, make fun of me, etc. 

There has been times I've gone after him like I wanted to hit him when I've been angry and everytime he's taken me to the ground/pinned me down/etc. He's never hit or slapped me, but he will knock me down. 

We are currently having a fight about something I feel is very serious and he REFUSES to discuss it with me. It's been a two day thing and he says I've griped long enough when all I want is us together to resolve the problem. He sees me be upset, sees me cry and it's like it doesn't phase him at all. 

He's told me he has no emotion that he can easily disconnect and what not. 

Idk what to do or what I'm up against. 

We've only been married 4 months.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Sounds like maybe you both are mismatched. You want to resolve problems, he doesn't. I doubt that will will wake up one day and want to talk about things and find a solution to the problems. 

You mentioned he told you he felt bad for you and could offer you better, when you were going through a bad time with your ex, what exactly did he mean he could offer you better?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

You're in an abusive situation. You will need to end up making a decision on what you feel you need to do. Continue to stay in this mess, or leave. 

Was he meaning he could offer you better financially? What was your last relationship like? Was it similar to what you're in now?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

wanderinggirl said:


> We got together and he was sweet and great, but we fought about everything.
> 
> If we have a problem he will ignore it, ask me to ignore, ignore me, emotionally hurt me until I give up and leave him alone.
> 
> There has been times I've gone after him like I wanted to hit him when I've been angry and everytime he's taken me to the ground/pinned me down/etc. He's never hit or slapped me, but he will knock me down.


You can google "narcissist" and "sociopath" to see the behaviors associated with both personality disorders. However, why bother pinning a label on him? What will that accomplish? This man is neither "sweet" or "great." You married the wrong guy, big-time. You minimize the abuse. Knocking a woman down IS physical abuse.

So, you saw the red flags flapping in your face, and ignored them anyway. This may be as good as it gets. I think the most important question you can ask yourself is, "Why am I in a power struggle in the hopes of getting this man to discuss issues with me, when he is being crystal clear he won't?" 

Get the focus off of him and onto YOU. You deserve a heckuva lot better than what this jerk has to offer. But you have to believe you deserve better.

You can stay if you want to see if he'll change, but he's not going to change because you desire it. It's up to you to decide if the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving.


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## wanderinggirl (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you all for your replies.

My previous relationship was hard. The guy was dealing with residual feelings from his previous relationship and was up front about not wanting a relationship with me, yet we had one w/o the title and I was emotionally more invested than he was and didn't hold back knowing he couldn't give anymore than he was. My husband saw the near end and end of that relationship and was like you shouldn't be treated that way I can give you so much better, emotionally, financially, etc. So I trusted him. 

It's difficult to find reason when you constantly hear how everything is your fault. "You made me so angry that I shoved you" he says. He also says it's like "when you back a dog into a corner they will bite". Yet I don't understand how thats your only option when clearly you are bigger than me and could remove yourself from the situation if you felt I "backed you into a corner". 

The current issue we have right now-we don't agree and I respect that he doesn't have to see it my way, but I would like us to come to a common ground and resolve the problem and move forward. He won't. He refuses to talk to me about. Continues to tell me the conversation is over. Walks around ignoring me unless I talk about something happy and fun. I can't pretend to be happy when I'm frustrated and he expects me to "fake it until I make it". 

I just had that hope he would change you know? But I realize I can't make that happen.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

wanderinggirl said:


> He won't. He refuses to talk to me about. Continues to tell me the conversation is over. Walks around ignoring me unless I talk about something happy and fun. I can't pretend to be happy when I'm frustrated and he expects me to "fake it until I make it".



Add the fact that he shoves you to the ground to the quoted part above, and you got yourself a mess. 

I know you want him to change and you are hoping thats going to happen. So bottom line is, you either stay in hopes he will see the light or you move on to a life that you feel you deserve. A better one where someone will actually talk to you, not ignore you, help find a solution to problems, and NOT shove you around. 

Once you truly feel you deserve better, I think you will know what decision to make.


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## wanderinggirl (Sep 2, 2011)

I do feel like I deserve better and I can be reasoned with right now and logically feel like that. Until he finally caves and apologizes and acts nice. Somehow as strong as I thought I was I quickly forget that his words are just lip service. It's just disappointing. Here we are just a few months in and I feel like it's a dead end. It's exhausting and I don't want to start over for fear that that is the only type of men I will meet.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

wanderinggirl said:


> It's exhausting and I don't want to start over for fear that that is the only type of men I will meet.


My first wife was a drug addict. A bad one. I stuck by her in hopes she would change. It was exhausting and I can also say I was afraid too, of starting over for fear of getting myself right back into the same type of situation again. 

However, with the help of friends and family, and me attending meetings for loved ones with addiction problems it really helped. I began to look at things and MYSELF in a whole different light. I knew I deserved better. I knew I couldn't change her or help her even if I wanted to. 

What happened to me was, I lost myself trying to "fix or change" her. So once I truly believed that I needed/wanted/deserved better, and set boundaries for myself as far as what I would and would not tolerate, thats when I gave off a whole new vibe about myself. I was no longer afraid I was going to attract the wrong kind of person or another drug addict in my life, because I knew what I would and would not tolerate. 

I'm wondering if that is why your now husband told you he could offer you better. I think he played on your weakness from your last relationship, and knew you were vulnerable and a good person for him to try and control. Once you stop giving off that kind of persona, and people know what your boundaries are, you shouldn't have to worry about having anymore people like that in your life.


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## wanderinggirl (Sep 2, 2011)

He always tells me I'm the only girl thats ever fought with him. But I've met a few of his ex's and they were both in a position to fully rely on him. His last ex was constantly in trouble with drinking and driving and she did drugs. She was a train wreck and he's like well at least she never fought with me. And I feel like it's because she "needed" him. Needed his support of her drug habits, needed his support of her drinking. 

And I'm not that way. As I read all of this I'm wondering what I was thinking! He loves to drink and will jokingly say he's an alcoholic. I can drink or not. Either way I'm ok. He always wants to have a beer thats his idea of fun for the weekend nights. And I CONTINUE to ask for a date night. Not just dinner, but maybe dinner and a movie or a weekend trip? And he's like who wants that? Um me. But I continue to sit around and drink or watch him drink thinking I'll get something in return. All I get is "I'm tired of hearing about you wanting a date".

In the few short months it's been I already feel like there are no guys that exist that want to take a girl out, want to be there when she cries, etc. 

I really appreciate everyone's input here b/c it's making me realize maybe I do deserve better.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

You've got a real problem here. 

4 Months in and he is blaming you for almost everything. That's a bad sign. To add to this, the put me downs eventually eat away at your very soul. Long term it is very bad for your self esteem. 

Twisting things around to make you feel guilty is another bad trait and a warning sign that this type of person will heap much more heartbreak on you further down the line, perhaps with children and then it is much more difficult to bail out. Blame shifting and twisting words (manipulating) a situation is indicative that he doesn't like to accept responsibility.

He needs a wake up call. Tell him 4 months in and your marriage sucks. 

Either he has to immediately stop the blame shifting, the verbal and physical abuse since it is destructive behaviour and stop destroying your love with all these love extinquishing traits. 

Ask him to start working together as a couple to make your marriage work. Sometimes the first year is a difficult year for some marriages.

He promised you that he said he could offer you better but making you feel bad is certainly not offering you better.


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## HOPEFAITH (Oct 27, 2011)

MY HUSBAND IS THE EXACT SAME WAY!! Been married for 2months and I had filed for divorce 3 weeks ago..Enough is enough..He did the same thing to me....When I cry, he would tell me to go in the other room bcuz he didnt want to hear my "weak ass" cry my "fake ass" tears...Very disrespectful, called me names and eventually lead to physical abuse..I take it day to day...Get out when you can and dont expect him to change....They have to change on their own WILL and WANT..


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Try Marriage counseling.

This is definitely an abusive relationship.

Not likely to improve without some serious therapy.

I'm in something similar, except that it blew up in my face. Wish someone had told me four months in to try counseling. In a year, you'll be too spirit-broken to make sense of what is and isn't real because his manipulation will make a mess of your head. I love him, but he's making me a bit crazy.

Hope you have better luck than me.


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## iDeal (Oct 25, 2011)

wanderinggirl said:


> *There has been times I've gone after him like I wanted to hit him* when I've been angry and everytime he's taken me to the ground/pinned me down/etc. He's never hit or slapped me, but he will knock me down.


So you attack him and he defends himself, and that is called abuse?




wanderinggirl said:


> It's difficult to find reason when you constantly hear how everything is your fault. "You made me so angry that I shoved you" he says. He also says it's like "when you back a dog into a corner they will bite". *Yet I don't understand how thats your only option when clearly you are bigger than me and could remove yourself from the situation* if you felt I "backed you into a corner".


But now your stating that HE attacks YOU.


I'm not on anyone's side, but why would a man be so sweet and offer you better, then all of a sudden become this demon as you describe him?

That doesn't just happen on its own, people don't become resentful for no absolute reason.

What have you done for him to behave like this?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

iDeal said:


> Why would a man be so sweet and ...then all of a sudden become this demon as you describe him?
> That doesn't just happen on its own, people don't become resentful for no absolute reason.


Actually, it happens a lot -- when you are living with an emotionally unstable person. Such people are very common. They do black-white thinking, wherein they categorize everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and can recategorize you from one extreme (adoring you) to the other (hating you) based solely on an innocuous comment or action. Moreover, that flip from one polar extreme to the other takes place in about ten seconds because they have enormous anger inside that is so easily triggered that you always feel you're walking on eggshells around them.

As to whether WG's husband is unstable, I agree with you, iDeal, that WG's story is unclear because there are serious inconsistencies that she has not yet clarified. I am hopeful she will return and do so.


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## Litdr (Jun 17, 2013)

I have just learned after 21 years that I am married to a narcissist. Sounds like you are too! Run now! There is no hope for a narcissist to change. They can't! They are broken and unable to be fixed. It will only get worse and if you start having children you will compound the problem and/or become trapped. Please learn more about the disorder before its too late...just speaking from experience.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Listen to Lazarus. You will waste a lot of years if you stay. Look up the 'Cycle of Abuse' and study it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It doesnt matter what his label is, you need to get OUT of this marriage! He is abusing you! Check your state's guidelines, you may be able to annul this mess.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> It doesnt matter what his label is, you need to get OUT of this marriage! He is abusing you! Check your state's guidelines, you may be able to annul this mess.


EXACTLY! My ex is a narcissistic sociopath with borderline personality disorder or a schizophrenic or who the hell cares! I can tell you this, whatever label he should have, you will end up with if you stay with him. Get out, heal and stay healthy.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

..doesn't sound like a good marriage at all. But, it doesn't sound like either of you are angels. I hope I don't hurt your feelings, but a decade of marriage to a mentally ill women has left me rather skeptical. It is fairly common for mentally ill (particularly personality-disordered) people to diagnose their S/Os with mental illnesses. However, it would be reasonable to look at DSM V and see if anything fits reasonably well.

...are you griping at him and badgering him? Some women do. It is fair for a guy to refuse to be lectured or to refuse to continue conversations indefinitely. It is not fair to avoid discussing real issues in a rational fashion for a limited amount of time each week. It is also fair to refuse to repeatedly discuss the same topic because you didn't like the answer you got the first time. I'd say that 2-3 hours of R/S talk per week is reasonable, of which half should be him bringing up problems he has with you. How much time are you spending on these R/S talks? And how do they usually go?

...insults and taunting are abusive and not something to be tolerated. Although, how much do you cry during a typical discussion? I notice that you are angry when he doesn't respond to your upset and tears. Is it possible that you are being manipulative? Does he insult you when you bring things up to avoid discussions; when you start sobbing uncontrollably; or to control and silence you in general?

...um...okay. Violence in a relationship in either direction isn't okay. If I understand correctly, he pins you down or shoves you away when you attack him? Or he pins you when you look like you might attack him? He should stop that. He would do better to let you punch him a while and then call the police. Or vice versa. He would also do better to just walk out. Albeit, I have some sympathy for him as I've found that walking out while being attacked can be difficult (particularly when they try ripping your clothes off.) Responding to violence by defending yourself is tempting, but, longer-term, it is better to leave it to the authorities. Most wives calm down after a few nights in jail. If you can't stand what he's saying - walk out.

...okay...after half an hour of discussion, it is time to stop. And schedule a later time to talk. Fighting continuously for two days is not productive.

I don't know what you should do. One option is leaving. The other is staying. If you stay, you should also try marriage counseling. Consider a non-violent communication class like 'Mastering the Mysteries of Love'. Given that you have a past history of bad relationships, regardless of whether you stay or go, you should try CBT therapy.

If you stay, this is part of the process - start out by removing the problems you are creating and see how things change. 

If you go, you're just avoiding wasting your time by finding another lousy R/S.

There's pluses and minuses to both approaches. The main plus to leaving is that getting people out of your life gives you more time to focus on self-improvement.

--Argyle


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well crap...zombie thread...


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

First sign of physical violence, leave. Period. Trust me I have done it all wrong. Therapy does not "cure" that, there is no excuse for violence.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Set a time limit with this guy, no improvement by the new year and you're outta there. 
I think you really need to attend counseling on your own, a local women's shelter may suggest a good counselor, or you can ask your family doctor. Don't try to figure this out on your own, you need to talk to a professional.


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

Hi There, 

Sorry you are having such a hard time, only 2.5 years into this relationship and married a few months thank goodness no more time has been invested. 

This line sais it all
"He's told me he has no emotion that he can easily disconnect and what not."

He frustrates the heck out of you because he won't talk or communicate so you now resort to trying to get his attention in a negative way which makes him react negatively too not a good situation. 

Believe me these N. which it sounds like he is only get worse as they get older, you should read up on this personality then as the others stated if you wish to stay you have to learn how to deal with this behavior which is basically giving in to all of their needs and requirements to make them happy. 

The Silent Treatment will rob you of your self esteem, respect, self worth and you will be crying every week and then blaming yourself which in turn will make you crazy and feel helpless. 

Only you can decide to go or stay but from many of us with experience in this area and from what you said I feel this may escalate to DV not a great situation. 

Best thing you can do is educate yourself and also find counseling for yourself now, don't put it off. As stated before the Womens Centers for DV will know how to help and it will also educate you too. For now I wouldn't try to engage him in conversation until you have the tools to do so. 

Stay calm and learn. 

Also consider that he has had 2 ex's and how they ended up is not where you want to be. 

Peace


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