# Am I an fool?



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So here goes. My H and I have been having problems for several years. Married 26 years, two kids still in school.
He was fired from his job three years ago (no umemployment), then diagnosed with depression (in treatment for a year, meds and counseling). Since then he has done nothing. Not only has he been unwilling to look for work, he does nothing around the house, no interaction with the kids, barely talks to any of us. Now I found out he has a disposable phone and has contacted his old girlfriend. I saw the phone and picked it up and saw her name and her response to his text. After that I put the phone down. He's been texting late at night and keeps the phone with him everywhere. 

We tried MC, but he quit because he said the counselor thought everything was his fault and was trying to get him to change the way he spoke to me. In fact, the counselor did tell him that I would be less likely to shut down emotionally if he didn't snap and speak in defensive tones, and if he listened to what others said-which is a big problem. He hears what he wants to hear and then attacks the speaker. That might be part of the depression, but if he's not willing to work on it there's not much I can do. 

So now, the old girlfriend. She lives in another state and is currently not married. I'm pretty surethere is nothing physical going on... yet. Although he did go visit a family member who lives in the same town last month, so its possible. I don't know when they reconnected. 

I guess I feel hurt because he says he wants to stay married, but he won't do the work to keep it going. And now I feel like I'm footing the bill for his affair. I don't even know how to talk to him about this.
Am I the biggest schmuck around?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

My question to you instead is, what is your H bringing to the table anymore? It sounds like he is of no value to you or the family. Even without any sort of shennanigans with an ex GF, he's not contributing to the family at all. If I were in your shoes I would be formulating my exit plan. I think the contact with the GF would simply speed up my plan.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Not a schmuck, but foolish to not put ALL the issues squarely on the table with an ultimatum that you MEAN and WILL live up to without changes, commitment, and the hard work you have ahead IF you are to stay together.

Like Gabriel says, I'd have a plan.
But if you love him, and WANT him, then draw a line that you will live up to. Changes happen, TODAY, or you're executing your plan. Because even if he DOES re-commit, make changes, work at it... you may find yourself unable to live with him. As long as you allow it to happen, allow yourself to live like this, he will continue.
Take control, today, and push yourself to a better place, wherever that is. Because this is not a marriage now, as you've described it.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I bet you already have the answer.

It's inside of you. But it scares you. Maybe you just need to hear it from someone else?

Take a step back. Remove yourself, your fears, your insecurities, your personal emotional investment in the outcome... 

How? This is the simpliest thing you can do. If your happy with the explanation you gave in your post about the story... Fine, print it. If not, write the entire story out for yourself... Now mail that letter to yourself, put the return address as someone else. A dear friend perhaps you haven't spoken with in a longtime. Now read that story. The voice you read it with in your head and the person you picture this story coming from IS NOT YOU. It's someone you care about, that needs your guidance.

Now give her advice. If you need to, Write her back.

Now take your own advice, COMMIT. Don't ever slip and bring your own fears, rationalizations, and baggage into it. Follow your advice, the person who gave it to you cares more about you than anyone in the world, they want the best for you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Pluto,

You love your husband. There is nothing silly about that.

But the way he is treating you and the marriage is wrong.

You need to Act!!!

It is time to draw a line in the sand. Tell him what you need him to do such as:

Be respectful to you.
Interact with the family.
No interaction with old girlfriend.
Get a job.

If he will not commit to all of those conditions if you agree to them as well.

Then you need to show him a consequence for his non-action.

You have to be willing to back it up.

Good Luck.

HM64


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Getting fired can set a guy back and hard. I got fired in 2004 shortly after I came off of a great Active Duty tour and took a job basically doing the same thing but a different boss and not wearing the uniform. I took 15 months off. We had savings and even bought my wife a new car during this time. I did not get depressed. But depression is a serious matter and it's causes vary. Right now you are at the for better or worst part of your vows. Your husband needs serious help. I do not want to put you on a guilt trip but you need to know how much you can tolerate as he is bringing nothing to the table. 

As he has contacted an old girlfriend it shows that he is capable of reaching out and he needs to reach out to his family. I would let him know that you know about the GF and let the chips fall where they may.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Thank you all.
As seems pretty obvious, I'm not that good at ultimatums, but it is killing me that I'm using up my inheritance to help support the family when it should be going to our children's college fund. And now, its going to his phone for his texts to his old GF.
I've told him he has to get a job, and I get back "Of course I'll get a job-I want to support my family." But then nothing. It just hurts so much that his isolation is huring our family so much, and he reaches out to someone else. We don't have much of a marriage and nothing seems to help.
I know depression is horrible, and I don't want to dump on a man when he's down, but there's only so much I can take. I probably could have lasted longer if he didn't bring the GF into this relationship. I suppose its easier for him to talk to someone who hasn't lived the last few years with him.
Think I'll start making some calls and get my ducks in a row.
Thanks again for caring enough to respond.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

H was fired 3 years ago and did nothing!
No interaction in the family but using a disposable phone to text his old GF.
Unwilling H to bring income home!

I really wonder, how you let this happen for 3 years like this.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

I think 3 years is TOO long for you to be understanding and making excuses for him! 

Your husband is a jerk and is very selfish! Instead of appreciating you for the things you've done for him, he turns around and text / communicate with his old GF, even tho' he knows that upsets you! That's a slap in the face, not to mention it shows he doesn't have respect for you or care about your feelings!

You need to communicate with him honestly about your feelings and set up some boundaries in your relationship. If he refuses to change or cut his ties with his old GF, then I would file for divorce and move on!

It's time for you to have an attitude of ....NO MORE being taken advantage of and no more being a doormat!!


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

> Am I the biggest schmuck around?


No.

You're a warm human being who loves and deserves to be loved.


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