# My soul mate has broken my heart



## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

I am in shock right now and have been walking around in a daze for the past 18 hours trying to pretend to everyone that everything is fine.

I will try not to go on for too long but probably will so apologies in advance…..I am 31 and have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 17. We have been married for 5 years and I can’t imagine life without him. We are soul mates and best friends as well as husband and wife. I love our relationship, we bicker occasionally but hardly ever disagree on anything serious and I have always considered us to be uncomplicated and always thought we were happier together than anyone else we know. I have trusted him implicitly and because of that have never been jealous about who he is talking to when he goes out or who he is with.

I feel sick even writing this down – but last night I went into his wallet to get a card I needed, and saw a receipt from a clinic. I wasn’t even snooping, just saw the clinic name and date on the paper when I opened up the wallet – the day was Saturday when I was out all day and he had told me that he was at home all day. I didn’t look at what the receipt was for but I was worried that there was something serious wrong that he hadn’t wanted to worry me about before he had results or whatever, so I asked him if he had been to see a doctor on Saturday. A look of confusion and panic crossed his face and he said no. I said I had seen a receipt in his wallet and he said that yes he had been and it was for a problem he has that flares up sometimes that I am aware of. I said it was very strange that he hadn’t mentioned it to me and he just said sorry. I obviously then looked upset and he said not to worry and he hadn’t meant to hide it from me. I said that it certainly felt like he had as we tell each other every small detail of our days usually and he had also withdrawn cash to pay the doctor rather than using the bank card as I would see the transaction. I was even more worried now that something bad was wrong but never in a million years would I have guessed what was to come. I went into the other room for 5 minutes and then called him in and said I needed him to tell me what was wrong.

He started to cry and said he had done something stupid…..a couple of weeks before he had been out with a good friend who was getting married a few days later. I don’t know the details and I don’t think I want to – but basically they both slept with other women and he has since had some symptoms which have led him to believe he had to get tested for STDs. I am horrified, disgusted, embarrassed, sickened, heartbroken. We have slept together twice since but thank goodness we used a condom as I had missed pills. 

I have hardly said anything at all to him, I have been very silent which seems to be scaring him but I just feel like it isn’t really happening, how can this be happening to us?

He asked if I wanted him to go and stay somewhere else and I said no – I immediately felt like I was going to give him another chance but I didn’t tell him this. I was so hurt but didn't want him not to be near me. If you had asked me 2 weeks ago how I would have reacted to this I would have said that it would absolutely be the end of us but that isn’t what I want.
But I just have absolutely no idea what to do now. How to react, how to treat him, how to trust him again. He woke me up this morning crying and apologizing, he didn’t look like he had a wink of sleep. He had written me a huge email saying how he feels and why he loves me and how sick he feels with himself and he has never done it before and never will do again. I believe that he thinks he won’t but I’ve told him I worry that if I say it is OK then it gives him the green light.

I have decided that it isn’t over although I wonder if I am being a mug, he swears I am not and he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me so only time will tell. I emailed him back (not ideal I know but we are at work all day and have plans tonight that we can’t get out of) and said that if he did anything to hurt me ever again I wouldn’t have to think for more than 2 seconds before telling him it was over and she shouldn’t ever forget that.
He says he has ruined everything and doesn’t deserve my forgiveness, he says he has betrayed me in the worst possible way and he never wanted me to look at him the way I did last night. Loads of other stuff too and I can see he feels absolutely terrible but so he should, he has ruined everything. Almost the worst bit is that I was the only person he had ever been with and now, after 15 years together, I am not.

I want him to suffer for a while even though for some stupid reason it is killing me to be horrible to him – but he can’t do something like this and then I am fine with him a day later. But how long? What do I say to him? We never have serious fights so giving him such a hard time doesn’t come naturally. I let him stay in our bed last night but not talking or touching…… I don’t know how quickly or slowly to take things, I just don’t know what to do now and how we are going to get back what we had that felt so special.


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## thrall (Sep 26, 2013)

Sorry this has happened to you. I'm in a similar situation right now. I'm going to get IC for myself. Maybe you could do the same to sort out your feelings and all the crazy emotions we're both going through. In my case, reconciliation isn't an option but maybe it is the way to go for you guys. 

Listen to the other posters. They have, unfortunately, a world of wisdom to share.


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

Thanks thrall, I am so sorry you are going through this as well.

Talking to someone sounds like a good idea.

I can't and don't want to imagine life without him - the only reason I would leave would be to hurt him as much as he has hurt me, not because it is what I want. That was almost an easy decision, I just haven't a clue how to get back what we had.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

heartbroken:( said:


> I am in shock right now and have been walking around in a daze for the past 18 hours trying to pretend to everyone that everything is fine.
> 
> I will try not to go on for too long but probably will so apologies in advance…..I am 31 and have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 17. We have been married for 5 years and I can’t imagine life without him. We are soul mates and best friends as well as husband and wife. I love our relationship, we bicker occasionally but hardly ever disagree on anything serious and I have always considered us to be uncomplicated and always thought we were happier together than anyone else we know. I have trusted him implicitly and because of that have never been jealous about who he is talking to when he goes out or who he is with.
> 
> ...


 I am sorry for your pain. Know that you will receive some great opinions and advice here, but it will be up to you to be strong enough to implement the things suggested.
You have to take some time to process how you feel and no one can tell you how much time you need. It is up to you. 
He is saying the right things, but he must answer any and all questions you have for him. It may have been the one and only time he has ever done anything like this, you need to understand though, that it is unlikely the truth. If you want to R with him then you need to be sure he is being 100% truthful. I would at some point demand a polygraph test be taken. He has betrayed your trust in the worst way, so to blindly accept the words he is saying today would be foolish of you IMO.
You need to get tested for STD's immediately. If he passes the polygraph and is DOING all the right things not just saying the right things and you wish to try to salvage your M with him. At that point it is time for MC to get to the bottom of why this happened. 
These are just the few steps you can take to take control over him and the situation and show him you are in charge now. His words should not be enough..
Lots of great people will be here to help you. Read some of the other threads of other people going through this so gain some perspective.
Stay strong, you are worth it!


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Heartbroken I really feel for you. Infedelity is a terrible thing to happen in a relationship. It destroys so much. Your old relationship is over and you will have to rebuild an entirely new one...and its not gonna be easy.

Your H needs to do everything he can to rebuild your trust in him. I would start off with MC. That's a MUST! Then read the rest of the threads on this site as he will need to follow some rules to show he is sincerely remorseful.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

heartbroken:( said:


> Thanks thrall, I am so sorry you are going through this as well.
> 
> Talking to someone sounds like a good idea.
> 
> I can't and don't want to imagine life without him - the only reason I would leave would be to hurt him as much as he has hurt me, not because it is what I want. That was almost an easy decision, I just haven't a clue how to get back what we had.


Don't do that Heartbroken. You will feel disgusted with yourself afterwards. Believe me I know exactly what you are going through and cheating on him will not help your situation whatsoever.

I wanted to do the same to my partner when I found out. I wanted to give him a taste of the pain he gave me. But I am so proud that I didn't do anything detrimental to myself. My self respect is intact and this is really important in a situation like this.


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

Thanks for the advice everyone, it is good to talk on here as I just don't want to talk to any of my friends - I know it sounds ridiculous but I just don't want any of them to think he is a terrible person even though that is maybe what he deserves.

And people who have never been in this situation would think I am stupid for not ending things immediately.

I will definitely look into the counselling and do need to get myself tested as well, this whole thing is just disgusting :-(


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

heartbroken:( said:


> Thanks for the advice everyone, it is good to talk on here as I just don't want to talk to any of my friends - I know it sounds ridiculous but I just don't want any of them to think he is a terrible person even though that is maybe what he deserves.
> 
> And people who have never been in this situation would think I am stupid for not ending things immediately.
> 
> I will definitely look into the counselling and do need to get myself tested as well, this whole thing is just disgusting :-(


Nothing you write sounds ridiculous.Its a horrible situation to be in. Do what you think is right for you and post on here for advice. I made the mistake of telling the whole world about my partner's cheating. It was the wrong move..too many opinions..just sounded like noise. 

And no you are not stupid to give him another chance (so long as he is sincerely remorseful and pulling his weight to fix things). The trust can be rebuild but its a very slow process.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You are in a position that many people here would like to be in. You have a remorseful cheater. It may not feel like it now but based on what you have said your marriage has a chance of recovery. 
It will be a long road and one that ultimately you may not want to take but you really don't have to decide anything now. 
This is a roller coaster and a long one at that. We all react differently to betrayal and there is no judgement here as to which route is the correct one. be that Reconciliation or Divorce. Only you can really decide that, but, like I say. There is no rush. 


Other people will give you practical advice for Divorce and 'lawyering' up. 

Be aware that cheaters lie straight to your face. They always minimise the extent and the length of the affair. 
It MAY be a one night stand, but it may be something he does a lot and he finally caught something and you finally caught him out. 
At the moment you do not know. Find out. 

Strangely with someone you are intimate with will tend to look you straight in the eye [and hold the gaze] as they lie. Look for that when you ask questions.

Please try and get some sleep and look after yourself. 
Do some exercise to clear the by-products of adrenalin. 
Eat something.. Really.


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

Thanks, I am so grateful for the advice I can't even begin to tell you, it is so good to hear someone say I am not being stupid and I can react however I like, I feel like I am strange for just going quiet and not throwing plates at his head. He is definitely remorseful, no doubt about that. And I do think I believe it hasn't happened before, this sounds very naive but we always say 'swear on my life' about things, sometimes silly and sometimes serious - and we can never lie when we say that, and I made him say it, I made him swear on his mother's life. He wouldn't usually get the opportunity as doesn't have many boys nights out and if he does he comes home to me - this night he and his friend stayed in a hotel as they were out in a different city.

ing it is interesting what you say about lying - when I ask him questions he buries his head in his hands as he answers so at least he is not looking me in the eye if that is a bad sign.

I am dreading seeing him tonight as just feel so weird and don't know how to behave. We are seeing friends so will have to put a smile on my face and try to act normal.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Whatever you do it's important that you do not let him beg and cling you into rugsweeping this. You decide what YOU need and want to move forward, and if he can't respect that it will tell you whether it's all about you or him. I also find it a little troubling that he slept with you knowing he had STD symptoms. FYI: cheaters swear on lives and graves all the time. Not saying your hb is lying, just that the swearing on his mother doesn't mean he's not lying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

Apparently the symptoms only started after a week which, if it is true, means he wasn't noticing anything when we slept together. And it does make sense as he has been very 'tired and headachey' at bedtime for the past week. Not like him at all.

Totally agree that I shouldn't let him make me overlook this, I need to make him remember the next few days/weeks/months as the worst time of his life.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

just had to step in and remind you that you are already believing the words. Swearing on his mothers life would be pretty easy for some one with the moral character he has displayed to you. Try and be stronger than buying what you want to believe. It will be all he is selling for a while, but if he suffers no real consequences for what he has done, that will be a big mistake IMO.

BTW- have you thought about contacting the wife/fiance/gf of the buddy he was with that night. His words are they both did this that night...right? She should know what you were told. She could be contracting an STD as well.

Polygraph parking lot confessions are very common and are a very good way to attempt to find out the truth. If he is lying or there have been others, you will most likely find out when he confesses in the parking lot before going in for the polygraph.

This will also humiliate him and that is a consequence he needs to have.

You want to believe him and we all understand that. Know that believing the WS is not smart at all. The person you thought you knew and trusted is gone. If you R with him it will be done on your terms and it will be a complete rebuild of a relationship as the old one is ruined.

Keep your chin up and continue to read and gain the strength needed to hold his feet to the fire.


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

Thanks nogutsnoglory, you are right in that I probably shouldn't be so believing of him - I will grill him some more. 

I can't decide if I want to know details of what he did, I feel sick when he think about it and imagine the worst so maybe the truth isn't even as bad but I just don't think I can bear to hear him talk about it. I did ask if the girl knew he was married and he said that she did - I had imagined him taking off his ring or saying he was single.

Well his friend - now this is horrible - was getting married 4 days later. I went to the wedding and saw him crying whilst making a speech in honour of his beautiful new wife, no wonder he was crying. Right now they are on their honeymoon. I know this may be wrong but I am not going to tell his new wife, I have told my husband that he must tell his friend that I know, I don't want him thinking they have this horrible little secret. I just feel that telling her would set off a huge load of other problems that I just don't have the strength to deal with and I just don't think I could do that to her at what is supposed to be the happiest time of her life. I just hope he remains terrified that I might tell her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are betraying the new bride by not telling her the truth , and what if she now has an STD from her cheating husband too?

You need to tell her.


As for your husband - I'd suggest you get a polygraph test done. He was awfully cool , calm and collected about Saturday up to you confronting him.

This is very possibly not his first time.


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

Yes he was totally normal, I never suspected a thing. And he knows how angry I am that he has only told me because he got caught. He says it is because he didn't want to hurt me but I am sure we all know it was a tiny bit of that and a lot of him not wanting to be in this amount of trouble.

This sounds mad but I almost feel like telling his mum, I am very close to her (as is he) and she would absolutely kill him.

I don't know what to do about his friend's wife, I really don't. Even though I am the innocent one I would feel responsible for whatever happened between them after I told her, I don't know if I have the strength for that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Infidelity is something none of us ever expect to face. The pain is the worst imaginable because the idea our spouse could do that to us is hard to comprehend. We all deal with it in different ways. You have to do what's best for you. 

Just be aware that R is a very difficult road. Especially if rug sweeping is involved. Don't make it easy for him to do that. Never forget cheaters lie. They will swear on their children's lives they are telling the truth when they aren't. And they minimize as much as they can. 

Some people want every single detail. Be aware that once it's in your brain it's difficult to control. If you want to know and are sure you can handle it then make him tell you. But be aware he could lie about the details as well. 

The lack of trust you will feel going forward is huge because you will never be completely certain you are getting all of the truth. There's just no way to. He's the only one who knows that. Plus, you will be more suspicious in the future. It's human nature but it can drive you crazy. 

And you will never get that marriage back that you had. You can get a different one. Maybe a better one. But not the same one. I hope things go well for you.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

heartbroken:( said:


> Thanks nogutsnoglory, you are right in that I probably shouldn't be so believing of him - I will grill him some more.
> 
> I can't decide if I want to know details of what he did, I feel sick when he think about it and imagine the worst so maybe the truth isn't even as bad but I just don't think I can bear to hear him talk about it. I did ask if the girl knew he was married and he said that she did - I had imagined him taking off his ring or saying he was single.
> 
> Well his friend - now this is horrible - was getting married 4 days later. I went to the wedding and saw him crying whilst making a speech in honour of his beautiful new wife, no wonder he was crying. Right now they are on their honeymoon. I know this may be wrong but I am not going to tell his new wife, I have told my husband that he must tell his friend that I know, I don't want him thinking they have this horrible little secret. I just feel that telling her would set off a huge load of other problems that I just don't have the strength to deal with and I just don't think I could do that to her at what is supposed to be the happiest time of her life. I just hope he remains terrified that I might tell her.


Heartbroken this last paragraph troubles me. I find it odd that both your H and his friend cheated together. Like it was acceptable to do. Are you sure they have not done this before??I personally think you need to ask questions because something is not right here.

Maybe its my suspicious mind but this is what happens once you get cheated on. You don't want to end up a fool again

Whatever you think, your H needs to stay away from this friend because this friend is NOT looking out for you.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Infidelity is something none of us ever expect to face. The pain is the worst imaginable because the idea our spouse could do that to us is hard to comprehend. We all deal with it in different ways. You have to do what's best for you.
> 
> Just be aware that R is a very difficult road. Especially if rug sweeping is involved. Don't make it easy for him to do that. Never forget cheaters lie. They will swear on their children's lives they are telling the truth when they aren't. And they minimize as much as they can.
> 
> ...


So true. My partner swears on his family and my family that he will never cheat on me again. I can only hope so.


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

I hate that I can't get the old marriage back, I loved the old one :-(

I don't think I do want to know the details, I don't want to know that maybe she was thinner, prettier (of course he isn't going to admit to that haha), did things that I won't....the worst thing spinning round my head is that it was some kind of foursome - I worry that at the time it was exciting even though now he says he wishes he hadn't. We have been together for 15 years, it is never going to be exciting between us in that kind of way.

I want to ask him again why he did it - he says he has no idea and it was a stupid moment of weakness but I want to know if he thought it was exciting and how he felt immediately afterwards. I just feel sick at the thought of this conversation but it needs to be had.

I just can't imagine how we will get intimacy back, how can I feel uninhibited around him ever again?

I just can't believe he has wrecked what we had - I have been in situations where I have been attracted to someone, enjoyed a bit of flirting and they have then made a move and I have removed myself, I couldn't comprehend even a kiss - even if I knew he would never ever find out. I couldn't live with myself.


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

hibiscus said:


> Heartbroken this last paragraph troubles me. I find it odd that both your H and his friend cheated together. Like it was acceptable to do. Are you sure they have not done this before??I personally think you need to ask questions because something is not right here.
> 
> Maybe its my suspicious mind but this is what happens once you get cheated on. You don't want to end up a fool again
> 
> Whatever you think, your H needs to stay away from this friend because this friend is NOT looking out for you.


I don't think they have done it together before because although they are very good friends we now live overseas so they hardly ever see each other and the couple of times that they have when we have visited home they have just gone for a quiet drink and I have picked him up or met them as well. They have always said it would be great to go on a boys holiday to Ibiza which I never had a problem with but needless to say that won't be happening now!

The ironic thing is that this friend is the person who introduced us.....


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Heartbroken, First off, I am sorry to hear of your story. Infidelity is gut wrenching and life altering. I think you also need to find out why your husband did cheat. If your relationship is everything you stated, and you are best friends and soul mates, he needs to examine why he would go down this path? From his perspective what was lacking? Why would he betray you and your vows when he had an "ideal" marriage. Just food for thought and issues that should be examined. I wish you all the best and hope you find peace over the next several months. It is a tough pill to swallow.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

We are wired to want "new". And cheaters act on it. They may or may not feel guilt about it. They certainly don't want to get caught. 

You have to accept you will never get all the answers you so desperately want. That's part of why R is difficult. We want to get it all sorted and we can't. So we move on and hope for the best. But we are never as innocent as we once were. 

I rug swept my husband's first affair 30 years ago but I didn't rug sweep the second one. I divorced after a 45 year marriage. I am cynical now and don't usually support R because of my situation. I consider my 30 year R to have been false since his second affair was with the same woman. But there are people who make it work. Hopefully you will be one who does.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

heartbroken:( said:


> Thanks nogutsnoglory, you are right in that I probably shouldn't be so believing of him - I will grill him some more.
> 
> I can't decide if I want to know details of what he did, I feel sick when he think about it and imagine the worst so maybe the truth isn't even as bad but I just don't think I can bear to hear him talk about it. I did ask if the girl knew he was married and he said that she did - I had imagined him taking off his ring or saying he was single.
> 
> Well his friend - now this is horrible - was getting married 4 days later. I went to the wedding and saw him crying whilst making a speech in honour of his beautiful new wife, no wonder he was crying. Right now they are on their honeymoon. I know this may be wrong but I am not going to tell his new wife, I have told my husband that he must tell his friend that I know, I don't want him thinking they have this horrible little secret. I just feel that telling her would set off a huge load of other problems that I just don't have the strength to deal with and I just don't think I could do that to her at what is supposed to be the happiest time of her life. I just hope he remains terrified that I might tell her.


Yea, let her know she can decide for herself if she wants to stay with someone that.. she could get it annulled instead of finding out 30 years from now and five kids later.. that she's married to a serial cheater or that she has HIV... Could you do that to her?


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

heartbroken:( said:


> I hate that I can't get the old marriage back, I loved the old one :-(
> 
> I don't think I do want to know the details, I don't want to know that maybe she was thinner, prettier (of course he isn't going to admit to that haha), did things that I won't....the worst thing spinning round my head is that it was some kind of foursome - I worry that at the time it was exciting even though now he says he wishes he hadn't. We have been together for 15 years, it is never going to be exciting between us in that kind of way.
> 
> ...


He did it because it was a turn on. The excitement of being with someone new. And this is what he will need to control if he wishes to remain in a committed relationship with you. That's why he has to have IC. You need to make a massive issue out of this. If there are no consequences then he will cheat on you again.

I wouldn't focus on the sex right now. You are hurting way too much to think about it.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

heartbroken:( said:


> I don't know what to do about his friend's wife, I really don't. Even though I am the innocent one I would feel responsible for whatever happened between them after I told her, I don't know if I have the strength for that.


What possessed this friend to cheat a few days before his wedding?? That's sick.

Is there a way of telling this friend's wife indirectly?


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

heartbroken:( said:


> Thanks for the advice everyone, it is good to talk on here as I just don't want to talk to any of my friends - I know it sounds ridiculous but I just don't want any of them to think he is a terrible person even though that is maybe what he deserves.
> 
> *And people who have never been in this situation would think I am stupid for not ending things immediately.*
> I will definitely look into the counselling and do need to get myself tested as well, this whole thing is just disgusting :-(


not me...it was a ons...and he sounds very sorry...as long as he works to make it up to you, I dont think your stupid at all...

the problems I see with working it out are when there is a long drawn out affair, and LOTS of lies and deceit...your hubby sounds like he did a very stupid thing, and is now very sorry about it'

he COULD have continued the lie, said "I found a lump, didnt want to worry you, they called me yesterday to say it was benighn, I am ok...I am SO sorry I didnt tell you, i didnt want to worry you"...you probably would have believed him and left it at that, and he probably knows it...but he came clean

If it were me, id try and make it work...and I wish you all the luck!


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

heartbroken:( said:


> Thanks nogutsnoglory, you are right in that I probably shouldn't be so believing of him - I will grill him some more.
> 
> I can't decide if I want to know details of what he did, I feel sick when he think about it and imagine the worst so maybe the truth isn't even as bad but I just don't think I can bear to hear him talk about it. I did ask if the girl knew he was married and he said that she did - I had imagined him taking off his ring or saying he was single.
> 
> Well his friend - now this is horrible - was getting married 4 days later. I went to the wedding and saw him crying whilst making a speech in honour of his beautiful new wife, no wonder he was crying. Right now they are on their honeymoon. I know this may be wrong but I am not going to tell his new wife, I have told my husband that he must tell his friend that I know, I don't want him thinking they have this horrible little secret. I just feel that telling her would set off a huge load of other problems that I just don't have the strength to deal with and I just don't think I could do that to her at what is supposed to be the happiest time of her life. I just hope he remains terrified that I might tell her.


another consequence must be that your H is to no longer associate with the guy he did this with. You cannot trust them together ever again. Not to mention the mention of his name in the future will be a trigger that causes you great pain.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> You are betraying the new bride by not telling her the truth , and what if she now has an STD from her cheating husband too?
> 
> You need to tell her.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

heartbroken:( said:


> Yes he was totally normal, I never suspected a thing. And he knows how angry I am that he has only told me because he got caught. He says it is because he didn't want to hurt me but I am sure we all know it was a tiny bit of that and a lot of him not wanting to be in this amount of trouble.
> 
> This sounds mad but I almost feel like telling his mum, I am very close to her (as is he) and she would absolutely kill him.
> 
> I don't know what to do about his friend's wife, I really don't. Even though I am the innocent one I would feel responsible for whatever happened between them after I told her, I don't know if I have the strength for that.


making him accountable is the best thing you can possibly do.
The list as of now includes:
telling his buddies wife
making him take a polygraph
telling his mum 
making him drive you to have your STD test
having him give you a written timeline of what happened with all the details.

I highly suggest you do all of these but if you do none of them, you will regret it I am afraid.
Not doing these hard to do items is the biggest mistake a BS makes after DDAY. You want no more pain and of course that is understandable, but to start to heal you need to begin to feel you can start to trust little by little. In order to get to that starting point the WS has to have been made to feel like the scum of the earth and the only way to do that is from doing the things I mentioned.
If you just cry once in a while or your sex life takes a nose dive but then it get swept under the rug, his immoral behavior will resurface at some point with no painful reminder of the consequences to stop him. 
His mum is a great place to start.
I would tell her immediately. You already said the two of you are close. This will be a huge sign of strength on your part and a sign of no tolerance as well. You need to exhibit this level of strength in any way you can right now. Just listening to the pain inside will cause you to do little to actually heal. Do as much or as little as you want, but think long and hard about what we are telling you.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree with no guts, he needs to feel very real consequences. He needs to look back at this time of his life and never wish to EVER go there again. You need to act with strength and decisively. He NEEDS to feel consequences for his own good. To feel them is beneficial to him. Don't doubt this. I think that list is a good starting place. Also, kicking him out for a short while and going silent on him will allow him to really think about what he will lose. I completely understand you not wanting to, the person who most hurt us is also the only person who can truly comfort us. But this will show him what he could lose, give him time to think and reflect, and also give you some time to clear your head a little and think about what you want. 

BTW, the polygraph is a great way to see if they are hiding more due to their reaction on taking one. This will tell you a lot. Mine was willing to at 1st until he realised I was serious. Then some time later he said if he had to take one he would but we would be over once he took it regardless. And so it would be a waste of money. He tried to make out that the lack of trust causing him to take poly would mark the end of our relationship! Ha! Guess what? Yes, there was more untruths. So yeah, the reactions are very telling. Also, there is the willingness to take it culminating in the parking lot confession. 

The poly itself is negligible. It is inaccurate. I would take little notice of the results. Be prepared for it to say he is lying when not, or truthful if not. If you hold the poly as the truth it could create more problems than it solves. The truth comes in the reaction to taking one.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm also one of the ones here who smells more. I would tell your WH that you can't begin to move forward unless you are sure that you have the truth & then insist on a polygraph. Watch his reaction - all the way to the poly. He was a real cool customer until he got caught. Definitely now wracked with guilt and remorse. Do the poly and see how deep this really goes.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

The friends wife deserves to know. I don't think you should tell her though. I think one of his consequences should be that your husband has to call her on speaker phone in your presence and tell her. Then he should call his mother and tell her as well.

Don't think that him making you upset counts as a consequence. It doesn't. That was your consequence, not his.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

heartbroken:( said:


> I don't think they have done it together before because although they are very good friends we now live overseas so they hardly ever see each other and the couple of times that they have when we have visited home they have just gone for a quiet drink and I have picked him up or met them as well. They have always said it would be great to go on a boys holiday to Ibiza which I never had a problem with but needless to say that won't be happening now!
> 
> The ironic thing is that this friend is the person who introduced us.....


Ah! A fellow Brit, I think?:smthumbup:

I have been where you are and here's a tip *do not* self-medicate with booze. I did and it greased the slope to a stupid and idiotic revenge affair which almost became physical, but -this sounds bonkers, but it's true- as I was about to physically cheat on my wife (unprotected, too, to my shame ) I saw a vision of my wife's face, smiling at me and I suddenly sobered up and realised that I'd become a POS. And I knew the cheating was wrong, so I stopped before we had sex.

I confessed to my wife the next morning.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Get tested. And be careful about reconciling too quickly. He needs to truly believe he can lose you. If you won't kick him out or file at least toss him from the bedroom. Let him earn his way back in. And i agree this was not the first time by a long shot.


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## Kaci (Mar 11, 2013)

illwill said:


> Get tested. And be careful about reconciling too quickly. He needs to truly believe he can lose you. If you won't kick him out or file at least toss him from the bedroom. Let him earn his way back in. And i agree this was not the first time by a long shot.


:iagree:


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

First off, I am sorry this has happened. It's a shame what people can do to destroy something that was great.

What worries me is how well he was acting prior to the confrontation. Like you said, "It was like nothing had happened." Besides the STD symptoms which means he used NOTHING during the ONS, you noticed no behavioral changes. This might not have been his first rodeo. He completely lied to your face about the doctor. Completely. I thought you said you know this guy? Well, as it turns out, you don't.

He is a cheater. He is a liar. AND he is infected with a sexually transmitted disease. Is that a man who meets the qualifications for starting a family with kids? No, it's not. 

You are rug sweeping and it is a shame that you think that being mean to him is punishment. He's not 5 years old. This is way to easy. He got his cake and he got to eat it too. It's almost like you are giving him a smack in the butt for misbehaving and in a couple weeks he can get his toys back. Big fricken deal.

You HAVE to completely expose this if you want continue a life with this guy. What do you have to lose? He already destroyed everything - what else worse can happen now? You need to first, tell the wife of the other guy. Second, get tested for STD's WITH him present. Third, he can no longer ever have contact with that friend again. Fourth, you need to expose this your friends and family. Fifth, counseling to help turn this around.

If you decide to rug sweep and not follow any steps of truly punishing him, it will happen again and you will live a lie. However, I doubt you will listen. It seems as if you enjoy being the 'perfect couple' to your friends (by how you began your post) and what not when in reality.. it no longer exists. 

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.


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## moto164 (Aug 4, 2013)

I agree that he's probably cheated before. Do not make this easy on him and rug sweep.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

The tragedy of infidelity is how it makes you realize that maybe the old marriage never existed.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I know all this advice sounds quite extreme but it is aimed at protecting you. The thing we see time and time again is that the affair, the cheating, the lying go way further back than you would imagine. We all hope to be wrong, but it is better to know than to base your next actions on a wrong assumption.
My ExW swore on her children s lives that the affair was over. It wasn't . She swore on her Mothers memory that it had ended. It hadn't. Big lies come with the territory.
He has lied to you. 
He has banged another woman.
He has contracted an STD. 

Only when you are standing with the results of an STD test in your hand did he confess. Actually, you caught him almost red handed. Please do not believe this mans word at the moment.
It is worthless.

Look at what he does. 
What concrete actions is he willing to take right now? 

Start getting angry. Our job in these first awful days is to kick you out of denial. [We all had it done to us.] Your marriage can recover but you need to give yourself permission to hurt, to grieve and to recover at your own speed. 
Call a marriage counselor with experience in infidelity. 

This is something you will not be able to do between you. You need outside help.


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

Wow some of this stuff is hard to read.....but I appreciate all of it, even the stuff I don't want to hear.

Last night I made him call up and book me an appointment at the clinic and he will come with me tomorrow.

As soon as this 'friend' gets back from his honeymoon he will be calling him in my presence to tell him that I know, I have told him that it has to be a genuine conversation and he is to have no contact with him before then. And I know he can't because the guy wrote on facebook that he dropped his phone in the sea on his first day of the holiday and I have made my husband give me his facebook and email passwords so I can check in on his messages whenever I want to. He gave them willingly and let me immediately go through his messages in front of him. 

I do want to look into marriage counselling because I just don't know how to move on when I am ready to. I don't know if this should be by myself or as a couple or both, it is not something I have ever done before.

I definitely want to know why he did it - my thoughts are that it was new and exciting and he thought he could get away with it. He says he has been spending a lot of time trying to work out why and he wants to try to put his thoughts together so that they make sense because he does want to discuss this with me. He said that he is very happy with me and it is nothing that I have done that made him do it but he does want to come up with a response for me for this question.

He has said that he will do whatever it takes, he will not go out if I don't want him to, he says he has to make me happy again and he can't bear the way I am looking at him at the moment, says he feels sick to his stomach constantly knowing what he has ruined, says he would kill anyone who caused me such pain and can't believe he is the one that has, he knows it will take a very long time for things to feel remotely OK again and he will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes. He wishes I would shout and scream because at the moment he is just getting the silent treatment and I can hardly even look at him, I will continue with this if it is bothering him.

I am glad he feels sick, I am glad he has the worry of possibly having an STD, he will know tomorrow whether he does or not.

I know that I have had a lot of advice that I should tell friends and family.....and I said myself that I had thought about telling his mum - but as much as I want to tell her to embarrass and hurt him it would also embarrass and hurt her and I couldn't do that to her, she is the sweetest person and I would have to do it over the phone as we live overseas, it would break her heart. And as far as telling friends goes - I think I would just get a whole load of opinions from people who haven't been there themselves - if a friend had said to me before this that their husband had done this I would say leave him without a second thought but I know now that it isn't that straightforward. So I would get a lot of people saying that same thing and trying to push me into things that I don't want to and then being very judgmental over my actions. I need to make my own decisions and I can pick and choose from the advice on here, whether rightly or wrongly, whereas some of my friends have very strong personalities and could pressure me into things I do not want to do such as leaving him because I don't want to look weak.

Someone said that I seemed to enjoy being the 'ideal couple' to our friends and yes, you're right - and hopefully this has brought me down a peg or two and made me realise that nothing is as perfect as it seems, I hope I can be a better friend because of it if when I dish out relationship advice. 

I do know that when I have decided to move on this is not something I want to be forever bringing up, I don't think it is healthy to throw it back in his face forever, it will take a long time but at some point in the future, if things do work out, it needs to be laid to rest. I just need to make sure that he has a hellish life in the meantime so it isn't ever something he wants to revisit. At the moment his biggest concern seems to be the hurt he has caused me so I need to make it very clear to him just how hurt I am.

Thanks again for the advice, I know you all have your own problems to deal with and a really appreciate that you can take the time to help me with mine.


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

By the way is there is there a list of acronyms anywhere? I think I am figuring them out...

IC - Individual Counselling?
MC - Marriage Counselling?
R - Reconciliation?
WH - Wandering Husband?

What is BS?

Thanks


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

heartbroken:( said:


> By the way is there is there a list of acronyms anywhere? I think I am figuring them out...
> 
> IC - Individual Counselling?
> MC - Marriage Counselling?
> ...



BS = Betrayed Spouse

WH = Wayward Husband, essentially same idea as you guessed


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

Wolfman1968 said:


> BS = Betrayed Spouse
> 
> WH = Wayward Husband, essentially same idea as you guessed


Thanks Wolfman


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I have to say that he is doing all the right things.
Transparency both electronically and in real life.
Acceptance of restrictions.


Something that took me a long time to realize is that an affair is a failure in the person having it.. They are looking for something in themselves. This is why in the same breath as telling you they fckd someone else they can say you are perfect.

A little, tiny go at you. I know that you probably don't want to hear it but oh well. I am anon internet person and this is just another opinion so please take it as that.

Silent treatment is not a solution. It is passive aggressive and will not only punish him, but also you. I learnt too late in a long marriage that it is probably the most destructive way of dealing with anything. 

If there is one thing that will kill any chance at R dead it is simmering resentment. Now is the time to yell at each other. Scream, cry. Whatever you have to do. 

*COMMUNICATE!!*

Later a MC will help you both talk about how the marriage got here. This is not to say that the affair is in ANY WAY your fault. 

You are 50% responsible for the state of the marriage but he is 100% responsible for_ his decision_ to get in bed with this woman. 
It did not happen by accident. 
It was not a "mistake" 

"Oops my penis appears to have fallen into that woman's vagina." 
to paraphrase the BigBang theory


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

ing said:


> I have to say that he is doing all the right things.
> Transparency both electronically and in real life.
> Acceptance of restrictions.
> 
> ...


Thank you ing, all really useful advice including the bit about silent treatment not being the way to go - we are talking about this and I am being honest with my feelings and how hurt and disgusted I am but other than these talks I am only initiating conversation when I have to such as saying we need to pick up groceries on the way home from work.....if he talks to me, which he seems scared to do at the moment, I am just giving one word answers. I just don't want him to feel like anything is normal or even on its way to being normal but I just don't know how to do that. He hasn't tried to touch me at least so he isn't trying to rush me.

I have told him what people have said on here, that our old relationship is over and we have to try to build a new one and maybe we will be able to and maybe we won't. I have said I hope he respects me enough not to lie to my face when I ask him whether he has ever done anything like this before.

I have said to him that it was a decision, not a mistake, and the worst thing about it was that he didn't even consider me long enough to use protection - the possibility of an STD is bad enough but what if this girl is PREGNANT?! I said that for however long it took, he thought it was worth it, even though he may be full of regret now.

I really hope we can become one of the success stories and it seems that he does too but only time will tell, and we will need a lot of that.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Put no faith in his words. He's a cheater and cheaters lie. Find one person in your life who you can confide in. Family or friend. We can't give you a hug. And you need to figure out your true dealbreakers. Then express them to your husband. You also need to give him serious consequences for this or he will likely do this again. His regret and sorrow may fade in a month. Make sure you eat and sleep, even if you don't feel like it. Exercise is also a great way to relieve stress. Good luck.


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

I feel like something has just hit me in the past hour....up to now I was feeling fairly strong and in control but I just had the realisation that he could confess to more - and then it would be over. And I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack when I think about that. But I would have no other option.

I am sitting at work with my boss 2 feet away and I am trying to act like everything is normal but I am fighting back tears and all I want to do is go home and curl up into a ball and cry.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You may want to let your boss know you are going through a personal crises. Perhaps he'll be understanding. You are in for some difficult months. It might be good to give your employer a heads up. Also if you have any sick days take them.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

heartbroken:( said:


> I feel like something has just hit me in the past hour....up to now I was feeling fairly strong and in control but I just had the realisation that he could confess to more - and then it would be over. And I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack when I think about that. But I would have no other option.
> 
> I am sitting at work with my boss 2 feet away and I am trying to act like everything is normal but I am fighting back tears and all I want to do is go home and curl up into a ball and cry.


You can tell your boss you're having some personal problems, or marital problems, no need to give details.. My company has some sort of benefit where we each got six sessions of counseling for free, no copay or anything.. might be worth looking into if you have a similar benefit. It helps to talk to a good therapist.. 

Your emotions will be all over the place.. one minute you'll be feeling strong, the next you'll be curled up in a ball in the corner.. that's all normal. Try to stay busy as best as you can.. it's hard to keep your mind focused. Make sure you eat and drink water...


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

I work in a very small office (5 people) and my boss is very nosy and loves gossip.....I would either have to tell her what was wrong which I really don't want to do - or there would be a lot of speculation flying around the office and I would get lots of pitying looks - which I also don't want. So best to keep busy I think and try to get on with things as much as I want to run away from it all.

On the plus side I just emailed my husband to tell him I want to go to marriage counselling as had found a place and want to seize the moment - and he said absolutely and whatever I want him to do. Which is good because if he had said no I would have had to tell him he has no choice  So we are going Saturday 19th which is unfortunately the next available appt but I guess by then I will have had time to collect my thoughts a bit more.

However I have never had counselling of any kind before and have no idea what to expect, can anyone enlighten me?


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

hi heartbroken. i'm so sorry to read your story. so far, though, it is more optimistic than most of what we read here.


heartbroken:( said:


> I feel like something has just hit me in the past hour....up to now I was feeling fairly strong and in control but I just had the realisation that he could confess to more - and then it would be over. And I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack when I think about that. But I would have no other option.


please don't think about it! i know that's easy to say and i too have speculated all kinds of stuff over the past weeks since my d-day, but you don't know it yet and it may not be the case and you have lots to contend with as it is. if you can, focus on what's upcoming and on the fact that he's co-operated completely so far.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Counseling is a great start. Now that you are making decisions to deal with this, you'll start feeling like your in control, and not free falling. Make sure you have the whole truth before you go. You may want to tell hubby the 19th is the deadline for trickle truth. There's no point going to therapy if he is still not being honest. Find a therapist who specializes in recovering marriages hurt by infidelity. Research them and make sure you are comfortable with their theories on marriage.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

heartbroken:( said:


> I work in a very small office (5 people) and my boss is very nosy and loves gossip.....I would either have to tell her what was wrong which I really don't want to do - or there would be a lot of speculation flying around the office and I would get lots of pitying looks - which I also don't want. So best to keep busy I think and try to get on with things as much as I want to run away from it all.
> 
> On the plus side I just emailed my husband to tell him I want to go to marriage counselling as had found a place and want to seize the moment - and he said absolutely and whatever I want him to do. Which is good because if he had said no I would have had to tell him he has no choice  So we are going Saturday 19th which is unfortunately the next available appt but I guess by then I will have had time to collect my thoughts a bit more.
> 
> However I have never had counselling of any kind before and have no idea what to expect, can anyone enlighten me?


There are many different approaches taken by marriage counselors so it's difficult to speculate on what you can expect. But you should treat it as an opportunity to express what you are feeling honestly in a nonthreatening environment.

For what it's worth, it sounds like you have a good chance to move past this. WH sounds genuinely remorseful and, what is most important, it sounds like he gets it (the impact of what he's done)--many cheaters don't, even if they say the right things. One goal of the MC should be to make sure that he in fact does get it.

But it's also true that the marriage will not be the same. Not necessarily better or worse, just not the same (I'm speaking from the experience of a reconciled spouse whose W had a multi-year emotional affair). I was not able to move forward until I accepted this fact. We all wish you success.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I never told anyone at work, but I work from a home office, so it's easier to hide that you're in an emotional trauma...

Make sure that counselor doesn't push rug sweeping, or try to focus too much on the marriage before the affair, the first item to focus on should be the affair... If they keep talking about things you did that made him cheat, find a new one until you get one that understands that the betrayal is the bigger problem in the relationship right now.. the lost of trust and broken love, not that he didn't get enough cuddle time or that he thought you were too controlling prior to the affair... if you hear any of that, run for the exit. You can try them out, if you don't like them.. get a new one. You're looking for someone that makes *YOU *feel better after you go..


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

Philat said:


> There are many different approaches taken by marriage counselors so it's difficult to speculate on what you can expect. But you should treat it as an opportunity to express what you are feeling honestly in a nonthreatening environment.
> 
> For what it's worth, it sounds like you have a good chance to move past this. WH sounds genuinely remorseful and, what is most important, it sounds like he gets it (the impact of what he's done)--many cheaters don't, even if they say the right things. One goal of the MC should be to make sure that he in fact does get it.
> 
> But it's also true that the marriage will not be the same. Not necessarily better or worse, just not the same (I'm speaking from the experience of a reconciled spouse whose W had a multi-year emotional affair). I was not able to move forward until I accepted this fact. We all wish you success.


Thank you Philat, I really hope you're right about having a good chance. I do think he gets it too but are of course still the issues of why he did it, how it happened, why he wasn't going to tell me, how he is going to ensure it never happens again. I don't feel like I need a non threatening environment as such, because there is no arguing, but I think we may be forced to think about things that we wouldn't otherwise - our talking on our own will probably be all around this particular event, whereas we probably need to explore our relationship before then and make sure that we are able to work with each other to get through it. I know that counselling is his worst nightmare so the fact that he jumped at it as soon as I mentioned it is good. I just wish it was sooner but at least we are booked in.

I can't really imagine what our future marriage will be like if we get through this but thank you for the advice, I will try to stop thinking about it as 'getting back what we had'.

Happy to hear that you have had a successful reconciliation, I can't imagine how I would begin to deal with an actual affair, I hope I never have to.

Thanks again


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

russell28 said:


> I never told anyone at work, but I work from a home office, so it's easier to hide that you're in an emotional trauma...
> 
> Make sure that counselor doesn't push rug sweeping, or try to focus too much on the marriage before the affair, the first item to focus on should be the affair... If they keep talking about things you did that made him cheat, find a new one until you get one that understands that the betrayal is the bigger problem in the relationship right now.. the lost of trust and broken love, not that he didn't get enough cuddle time or that he thought you were too controlling prior to the affair... if you hear any of that, run for the exit. You can try them out, if you don't like them.. get a new one. You're looking for someone that makes *YOU *feel better after you go..


Thank you russell28, very good advice.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

You need to expose him. I am sorry you are going through this, but the extreme pain you are suddenly feeling is going to get worse. It is important that she knows about what has happened in your lives. It is important for him to see how he is viewed now, by the people that matter most to him. She is a big girl and she will be fine. She will care about you and once you make a decision on the future she will support the decision.
This pain you have is either going to be used to fuel your future days to make sure you have done all you can to prevent this from happening again, or it will be pain that causes you to allow him off the hook way to easy, and rug sweep this. Read on here about what that path brings.
I want you to have what you want, but you need to know that not exposing him is the first step of a rug swept affair.
You are not telling her due to the pain it will cause you to do it, not what it will do to her. Have him do it, in front of you if you wish. You can get on the phone with her after she is done tongue lashing him.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_Thank you Philat, I really hope you're right about having a good chance. I do think he gets it too but are of course still the issues of why he did it, how it happened, why he wasn't going to tell me, *how he is going to ensure it never happens again*. I don't feel like I need a non threatening environment as such, because there is no arguing, but I think we may be forced to think about things that we wouldn't otherwise - our talking on our own will probably be all around this particular event, whereas we probably need to explore our relationship before then and make sure that we are able to work with each other to get through it. I know that counselling is his worst nightmare so the fact that he jumped at it as soon as I mentioned it is good. I just wish it was sooner but at least we are booked in._

And you are the one who will set the conditions under which you can trust that it will never happen again. His word alone probably isn't enough.


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> You need to expose him. I am sorry you are going through this, but the extreme pain you are suddenly feeling is going to get worse. It is important that she knows about what has happened in your lives. It is important for him to see how he is viewed now, by the people that matter most to him. She is a big girl and she will be fine. She will care about you and once you make a decision on the future she will support the decision.
> This pain you have is either going to be used to fuel your future days to make sure you have done all you can to prevent this from happening again, or it will be pain that causes you to allow him off the hook way to easy, and rug sweep this. Read on here about what that path brings.
> I want you to have what you want, but you need to know that not exposing him is the first step of a rug swept affair.
> You are not telling her due to the pain it will cause you to do it, not what it will do to her. Have him do it, in front of you if you wish. You can get on the phone with her after she is done tongue lashing him.


When you talk about rug sweeping - what would be classed as rug sweeping and what would not? I know that a few of you think I should be shouting it from the rooftops and telling everyone we know what a lying cheating scumbag he is but that's just not me - yes it would shame him but it would upset my family, his family and would make me feel horrible, and not because I would feel bad for him because I do want him to feel bad - but because I just don't like airing my dirty linen in public, I don't like everyone knowing my private business and I don't want all of the advice from those who are trying to be well meaning but in fact will make me feel like I am being weak and stupid, I want to make my own decisions in my own time. Saying I wanted to call his mum was an angry reaction and not something that I actually think is a good idea - for any of us.

It isn't like I am planning to go home tonight, cook him a nice dinner and tell him it's OK as long as he tries to be a good boy in future. That to me would be rug sweeping. 

I have written him a long email saying things I can't talk about face to face at the moment because I won't be able to hold it together and won't be able to get my points across. He has said he has hurt me even more deeply than he realised and he knows his actions are truly unforgiveable and he wouldn't blame me for walking away but is going to do anything and everything I ask of him to make things work - if I will let him. I know there will be people who think he is just a horrible liar and not to be trusted but having read some of the other stories on here I am just pleased that he is doing everything he should be and isn't trying to turn anything round on me or argue back at me - he is behaving very remorsefully. And of course he is, because he got caught - but that is just one of the issues that we have to work through.

I have said to him that I don't know whether things will be OK but only time will tell. I have booked into counselling which he immediately said yes to.

I do not plan to be acting normally for a long time, I don't know how I will know when it is time to change how I am behaving towards him but I hope that the counselling will guide me with that.

I really appreciate all of the advice and know that it comes from those who have been there and done it and have learnt from bitter experience and you will think that I am burying my head in the sand and making a big mistake by not doing all of these things - but I have to hold my head up high and some of the 'punishments' are just not me at all and I honestly don't think they would make me feel any better - not now and not in the long run. Maybe I am totally naive and will be back here in a year saying I wish I had hung him out of the window naked with a sign round his neck but right now I really want to deal with it privately and not involve everyone we know.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

People here see the same behavior over and over again because cheating is like any other human behavior - there are similarities that amount to distinct patterns that we all exhibit.

Because of this we know that not exposing means that there is a much better chance that he will do it again later. You don't have to shout his infidelity from the rooftops or tell the friends who will assuredly gloat, but you should tell close family. He should own up to it.

We also know that your WH is a liar about all of this and that there is a very good chance that there is more that you don't know. Before you attempt MC, it would behoove you to get as much truth as you can out of him. His behavior before you busted him indicates that he's very comfortable covering things like this up.

You say you are going to be a part of the phone call that he has with his friend when he returns from his holiday, but it would be better to VAR him when he talks to this friend. They are partners in crime & you would hear the real truth if you could hear the conversations they have together.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I have no good advice. Just   

My husband and I started dating at 14 and have been each others first and only. Almost the exact story as you. So this hits close to home.

I often have nightmares of this same situation happening, and even just the thought makes me want to throw up.

I can't imagine the pain and heartbreak your dealing with. I don't think I'd ever be strong enough to handle it, and I have no idea what I would do. Hopefully I will never have to go through it. 

I am so sorry for you.  I'll be praying for you, and for strength. I really hope your pain can heal. 

I'm literately crying for you.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Not exposing often emboldens the cheater. They use your embarrassment against you. Trust that he knew you'd rugsweep a bit. You need to get over the shame. You did nothing wrong.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

You are taking the right steps and he does sound truly remorseful, however, the overall main issue is like I stated before is how could he completely lie to you? He is subjectively kicking himself right now about how he could be so stupid to slip up and leave the receipt laying around. Liars always slip up - that's why they get caught. He needs IC in his life as of yesterday. 

People lie all the time; i.e. white lies - as in telling someone they look nice (when they really don't). But it takes a whole other person to be able to hide something like this from someone who they claim is their world and be completely normal around them and then completely lie to their face in the present moment. He needs to figure out how he could do something like this to you.

You have no fault in any of this. Under the bachelor party circumstances, these are foreseeable events that take place all the damn time. My biggest concern is that he was able to hide this from you and not change in behavior. It is deviant behavior. There are tons of red flags all over this one issue. WHAT ELSE DOES HE LIE ABOUT? 

You should not feel any shame in notifying parents and friends about this. For one, you need an outlet. For two, at the end of the day, they don't make decisions for you. They can have their opinions but it will crush him to know other people besides you will emotionally suffer for his actions (his mom).

What you are feeling is normal. You might go numb in a few weeks from now. Focus on your health and act like you don't need him to survive. Keep it up.


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## heartbroken:( (Oct 7, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I have no good advice. Just
> 
> My husband and I started dating at 14 and have been each others first and only. Almost the exact story as you. So this hits close to home.
> 
> ...


Thanks TheCuriousWife, really lovely of you xx


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: My soul mate has broken my heart*



alte Dame said:


> People here see the same behavior over and over again because cheating is like any other human behavior - there are similarities that amount to distinct patterns that we all exhibit.
> 
> Because of this we know that not exposing means that there is a much better chance that he will do it again later. You don't have to shout his infidelity from the rooftops or tell the friends who will assuredly gloat, but you should tell close family. He should own up to it.
> 
> ...


Let me correct that for you. HE should tell close family. That would show that he really is remorseful.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

heartbroken:( said:


> When you talk about rug sweeping - what would be classed as rug sweeping and what would not? I know that a few of you think I should be shouting it from the rooftops and telling everyone we know what a lying cheating scumbag he is but that's just not me - yes it would shame him but it would upset my family, his family and would make me feel horrible, and not because I would feel bad for him because I do want him to feel bad - but because I just don't like airing my dirty linen in public, I don't like everyone knowing my private business and I don't want all of the advice from those who are trying to be well meaning but in fact will make me feel like I am being weak and stupid, I want to make my own decisions in my own time. Saying I wanted to call his mum was an angry reaction and not something that I actually think is a good idea - for any of us.
> 
> It isn't like I am planning to go home tonight, cook him a nice dinner and tell him it's OK as long as he tries to be a good boy in future. That to me would be rug sweeping.
> 
> ...


You are not seeing why we want you to expose him. It has nothing to do with you or how you will feel. I am assuming you want to work on the relationship and a slap on the hand is not punishment enough for what has happened. As it pertains to cheating the punishments you mention are simply not an effective way of changing the behavior. 
Do not believe for a second that the one and only time he betrayed your love, you happened to catch him. Leaving the receipt to be found was a slip up and not the work of a first timer who would be freaked out and nervous and doing all they can to cover their tracks. Leaving the receipt is an action that shows a level of comfort with this behavior that he simply put no thought into covering the tracks. That is a very bad sign.

Talking to his mother, assuming how close you and he are to her is not putting the dirty laundry out for all. It is exposing him to his inner circle of those that know him best and is a very big part of this process. This is not the first rodeo for us and we are not just making suggestions. We are giving you the tools for the best chance to prevent this from happening again. 
Not exposing will prove to be a huge mistake.

Congrats on the std test, the therapy appointment and not cooking dinner.
Unfortunately, the std test will be over in a day, he can lie in therapy just like he lies to you, and the "hard time" you are giving him at home is all you have left. It is not enough. You will most likely cave in and want to feel the old feelings again and will start to believe he is doing better and then the rug sweep will be complete. He will know to be much more careful from now on.
He needs to have his moral character judged by more people than just you. Reason being is you have a good reason to want this to go away, others do not. You will get to a point where you do not want to bring it up. His mother will have a different approach with him about this. Also, he will know she knows.
I respect you and the pain you are feeling. If you choose to do no more than you stated, I feel you are in for a repeat down the road. I am just basing the assumption on experience and information of 100's of examples that have come through TAM.
Maybe you are the exception. Maybe. I hope that this was the only time he has done this. I hope the small consequences are enough. I hope his remorse is not because he was caught, but because of who he has become and what he did to your marriage. Cheaters are typically too selfish for this to be the case though. So I doubt it.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

HB, firstly I feel for you SO much.   
Gee I may be coming on strong here but on TAM I found that the best advice I got was the advice that I found hardest to read & even harder to act on! I have 2 words for you from personal experience  THE TRUTH. You need to find out ALL the truth. That includes ANYTHING he did with other women before this that was inappropriate which could be many things - sleeping with them being the worst. Otherwise how are you ever going to be able to decide what to do. Had I known the truth I would have left. In a few months when everything settles down you may start to get niggling doubts as to whether you did get it. Happened to me. Avoid that at all costs. By then it will be a lot harder to get and he will have had time to cover it up if there is more. If you don't and more comes out down the track (the dreaded trickle truth) that's the end in most cases. Lies on top of lies while you will have wasted that time with him as well as being in pain trying to get past the stuff you did know about. AGH! Nothing is worse - I have been there.

You may not be ready for this just now but you will be. Maybe even write your questions down beforehand. I would start by asking him what exactly happened that night. That in itself will tell you a lot about your husband. Whose idea was it - the grooms???, how was it all set up - premeditated? Usually for bachelor parties having 'girls' there is planned. Did your husband know in advance? You can also let him know that you will go to the ends of the earth to find out if he won't tell you because you are resourceful. (And you will be because you have TAM, your secret army on your side ). The nuts and bolts of what exactly happened, in my mind, will give you a good place to start rather than the 'why'. 

Whys can be very 'airy,fairy'. it's easy for him to sit there and say he was drunk or blah blah blah. But 'how' it all happened and the circumstances is a much more difficult for the cheater to take on. You will also immediately see if he is open or tries to mumble or be vague like my WH was. Make him uncomfortable as all hell    Tell him in no uncertain terms that if he isn't open about it all you will pack your bags and leave because you don't want to live with a liar and you didn't know before this that you were living with one. Go in there guns blazing :2gunsfiring_v1: Sorry I'm not a violent person . 

Many posters are advocating this hard line and for good reason. Time for the cheater to get freaked out and not secretly think that because you love him so much you will just be able to get past 'his mistake' as they like to call it. It was no 'mistake'. A cheater doesn't just fall into bed with another woman by mistake. They had to DECIDE to do so. They like to think in that simplistic way because (a) it makes it easier on themselves (not you) and (b) because it didn't happen to THEM and they can't even begin to feel what the BS does. Who would you say sleeps better at night, the WH or the BS? I think we all know the answer to that. 

I don't know if anyone has suggested it but I would be inclined to put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car. Be interesting to see if anything came out of it, especially if he talked to his friend. Look at Weightlifter's profile if you decide to. He's terrific. 

I'm sorry if I am hitting you with too much but if you were that bride would you want to know what happened? I sure as hell would. I know it will be horrible for her but look at what she married. He slept with some random girl (I'm presuming it was a random) 4 nights before he made his vows to her? 

I like the idea that someone on here had that YOUR husband should tell her. Make him do it! After all he said he would do anything you want to get past this.  It will make him suffer a bit but nothing like what you are suffering. Also it should put an end to that toxic friendship he has. More to the point the bride needs STD tests ASAP. 

Have you asked your husband how is it that he wasn't totally disgusted that his friend who was getting married in a few days slept with someone? And why instead he went along with it and slept with someone himself??? You definitely need to ask him that and I would maybe keep it for asking when you are at counselling. 

I also got a warning bell when you said that he and his friend used to say they would like to have a 'boys' week in Ibiza. Hmmmm! So these antics had been at least thought about before? You really do need to know what they got up to in the past if anything. 

Please remember that when cheaters are caught they go all humble, teary, heads down, saying how much they love you and how horrible they are to have done that. Makes me cringe. Ask anyone here - it's a pretty standard reaction. So don't fall for it. Basically they are in damage control and believe me they will try and tell you as little as possible. You have to be really hard and uncompromising here. And you need that truth with a capital T.

I can't tell you how sorry I am that you are here. I hope I wasn't too hard on you but like everyone here I know how important it is to deal with this horrible business in a very particular way. It is not the way I did and I paid for it dearly emotionally and financially. :scratchhead:

**********


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I think there's merit in waiting to start MC. 

For one thing, you want to make sure you've found a counselor who specializes in infidelity. Not all counselors have a lot of experience with this, and getting one who doesn't could actually make matters worse. Also, waiting to start MC gives your WS some time to tell more of the truth because you haven't heard it all yet. I'm not saying that he MUST have cheated more than once (though it's possible), but there's more going on with him. Some possibilities: drinking problem, hiding other things from you (porn, spending, whatever). And IMO there are a couple of books that would really help if you read first, one of which he should read, so you will BOTH get more out of the counseling (I learned about both of them from this website): NOT Just Friends by Shirley Glass and How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald (it's a short book, easy read). 

If you haven't done this, you need to get a pap test that includes a test for HPV. Men cannot be tested for HPV, only women can. It can lead to cervical cancer in women, so it's very important that you be tested for it. And it's very important that you let him know that he has put you at risk for this - one more consequence. (Even if he HAD used a condom, he would have put you at risk for it - if someone has HPV, it's on the skin all over the genital area so a condom won't protect you. And this is also the same HPV that is causing a rise in oral cancer cases, like the actor Michael Douglas had.) I don't believe in humiliating WS's but I do believe in making sure there are consequences.

I didn't tell any family or friends what my husband did. That's a personal choice - you know your own circle better than anyone. If you have people in your life who tend to have strong opinions and would never forgive him, then it's best not to tell them. But I think the other wife definitely needs to know ASAP, and she needs to know about HPV. She needs to know her husband cheated on her - if you were her, you wouldn't want to be left in the dark while other people knew the truth. And some women aren't very good about getting routine paps - you don't want to find out in a couple years that she died from cervical cancer.


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