# How do I get closure?



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Hi everyone,

Those of you who are “regulars” know my story, others can read my 1st ever post to get an idea. Basically, I lived with my husband and in laws for 3 years, my in laws were not nice to me and my husband refused to move out because he’s too attached to his mother and siblings. We had a baby, things went from bad to much much worse and I left. We were apart for a year during which he still refused to move in with me…I gave him separation papers and he realized I was serious so that’s when he “gave in to my demands”. We lived together for 3 months during which I found out his behavior hasn’t changed, his family completely shut me out and we split up again.

I am grieving the end of my marriage and I have closure with my husband. However I have no closure with his family. His mom, brother, brother’s wife and sister hurt me a lot. For a long time I had nightmares about them and I’m glad to say they’ve finally stopped during the last month. But I never told his siblings how angry I was at them and how much they hurt me and how I blame them for a large part of the turmoil in my marriage. Yes, it was my husband’s bad behavior but they reinforced and encouraged it. 

Should I write his brother, sister and brother’s wife an email? Should I leave his brother a voicemail? Telling him how much living with them was torture to me and how glad I am to be free of that? Karma got them (his sister got married, lived with her in laws for a few months and got divorced because she didn’t want to live with them!). What goes around comes around. But that’s not closure to me…closure is saying “hey, what you did was wrong and it hurt me a lot but I forgive you because I deserve peace.” It doesn’t help that my brother in law’s wife posted pictures of herself with her newborn baby on FB. We aren’t friends on FB but for some dumb reason I looked her up and it hurt me to see it. Not because of her newborn (the baby’s beautiful and I’m glad my daughter has a new cousin) but because of all the painful memories that are attached to the woman, and pent up anger I have. I also feel left out. It’s ironic: I spent 3 years wishing I didn’t live with them, but I tried to get along and gave it my all and of course in the end I left an emotionally toxic environment…but now 1.5 years later I feel left out?

How do I get closure? My divorce is not yet final, if I do contact them it would be after papers are signed.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

You won't likely get closure or any acknowledgment or apology from them. Might as well resign yourself to it. 

If it makes you feel better to let them have it after the divorce, I guess you can let 'er rip. But if you are doing it for some kind of response, I wouldn't bother.

Just realize that you are divorcing them too. And that is as final a resolution as you are likely to see.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Tron said:


> You won't likely get closure or any acknowledgment or apology from them. Might as well resign yourself to it.
> 
> If it makes you feel better to let them have it after the divorce, I guess you can let 'er rip. But if you are doing it for some kind of response, I wouldn't bother.
> 
> Just realize that you are divorcing them too. And that is as final a resolution as you are likely to see.


I don't expect an apology, or even admittance of any wrong on their part. I just want to let them KNOW how hurtful they were. 

But I'm thinking what if they write back and stay more hurtful stuff lol and I end up feeling worse instead of better...


----------



## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I think it would be helpful to write a letter. Organize and air out your hurts and grievances. 

Don't send it, ever. But make it an event for you- set up a fire and burn it, maybe. Release it to God, Karma, the Universe, whatever. 

It's another stepping stone, or maybe a milestone, in your journey into the next chapter of your life. They did hurt you, badly. They inflicted wounds which your husband failed to heal. Give yourself the acknowledgement that you seek from them. Bringing them back into your life by sharing your thoughts just gives them another opening for attack. You're a better healer than they are, and you can grant yourself the closure you need. 

It's been a long road for you, OP. I'm sorry you're hurting, but I am glad to see this post. You are definitely moving towards closure. 

Hugs to you.


----------



## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

Suck it up and leave them alone. You have a kid with him and regardless will be tied to his family for life. So tell yourself you are better than them, and don't contact them in spite. Which is exactly what your contact would be.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Why now when your relationship with these people will be limited? Had you not expressed these feelings when you were still living them?


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

RoseAglow said:


> I think it would be helpful to write a letter. Organize and air out your hurts and grievances.
> 
> Don't send it, ever. But make it an event for you- set up a fire and burn it, maybe. Release it to God, Karma, the Universe, whatever.


:iagree:


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I would also like to get closure from my in-laws as I'm in a similar situation to your's where my in-laws treated me horribly. My wife and I are still together but the impact they have on us eased since we moved to East Coast a while ago. The impact they had on me was horrendous and their attitude was hurtful to me at first and then to my wife. Her two brother ended up having a fight and after that they no longer bothered us. 

The thing is, I think that you won't get closure from them. If they were hurtful to you, they won't care about your feeling enough, especially after the divorce to want to give you closure. The only thing that I have from my in-laws is that they know what they did to me and said to me and they are the ones that have to live with that. I always tried to make things right with them, but no matter what I was always the *******. Maybe one day there will realize I wasn't as bad as they said I was. I think now my wife is realizing how bad they were and now even she has limited contact with them. In the long run I think we are all better off without them and I don't need closure from them. I wouldn't care what their final words to me would have been although I know they would have been hurtful. 

I know that my actions did not warrant their actions against me and I can live with that just the way it is.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Thank you EVERYONE for your feedback.
The overwhelming response has been "don't send it", so I won't. RoseAglow, I will write a letter but I won't send it. It will at least allow me to fully express my feelings on paper and then hopefully move on.

Zookeeper, I didn't express my grievances while we lived together. To a small extent I did, but the last couple of months before I left them, they'd done A LOT of hurtful stuff I didn't comment on. I kept it inside. I regret that now. I thought that leaving and not looking back would be making enough of a point to them, but now I wish I had said what was on my mind.


----------

