# Same song-second verse friends of the opposite sex



## BoltToBolt (May 9, 2014)

We've been dating for 6 months and are almost living together. She has many male friends and has made it clear that is a deal breaker for her and non negotiable. I'm struggling with these (2 in particular) and here is why:

She says these men all wanted more than a friendship but she hasn't.

She describes them as "charming", "good looking" and "great guys"

She has them over to the home for breakfast, dinner and during the day to "just talk".

She stops by their work site.

One of the guys was upset to learn that we were dating - she says its because he was upset she didn't tell him sooner not that she was dating someone else.

She is, in all matters very secretive. One of the ways this plays out is she doesn't tell me what they talked about.

Yes, I bring insecurity to the table and Im working on that. But I am trying to figure out what is a reasonable boundary to place on these friendships verses demanding she stop - which would only create a resentment on her part and probably result in her being with one of them anyway.

I just dont want to get hurt again - 2 wives 2 affairs

Any thoughts


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## optimalprimus (Feb 4, 2015)

You could try setting some boundaries like no 1:1 time or going NC with these two if they obviously want her. But you imply these boundaries would not be agreed. 

So...she is definitely NOT the woman for you. Keeping orbiters is actually not healthy for ANY relationship but particularly given your history and how much you obviously don't like this.

Did you spend any time after your failed marriages to fix your picker? Do you know of any previous infidelity on her part? Has she crossed any boundaries with these guys that you know of?

Sent from my LG-H815 using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Secretive isn't good.

I'd probably dump her.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

BoltToBolt said:


> She describes them as "charming", "good looking" and "great guys"
> 
> She has them over to the home for breakfast, dinner and during the day to "just talk".


Tell her to go date one of them. Why doesn't she? In the meantime, find someone who thinks YOU are the charming, good looking guy.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Go read my thread man. Recipe for disaster.

A woman like this is NOT long term material anyways. They only thing you can do now, for fun, would be to start mirroring her exactly like she does.

Get coworkers and women in your phone and start texting them.

Dump her and move on. Print this out if you decide to continue with her so you can read a big fat "I should have listened".

She likes the attention. Probably even likes that you are jealous. And so you know, this is actually healthy jealousy because it goes against your values and beliefs. Don't think for a second she'll shift gears either.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Those signs you post are those of an attention wh0re. Sorry, I agree with Gus to dump.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@BoltToBolt, you posted this in another thread in mid-April of this year...



BoltToBolt said:


> Short term 2d marriage for both of us. We are very active together. Thing is, everywhere we go, at least every weekend and probably every other day she is telling me about being here or when she did this (biking, boating, whatever) with her ex husband or one of her previous boyfriends - two in particular come up all of the time. In addition to that, I moved into her home and she still has things from those 2 prominently displayed in the home. I have told her this bothers me and she says tough - its just my insecurity and her past is what makes her who she is. So, I told her it makes me feel like I am less important to her, that my love language is affirmation and it would help if she could affirm the value of our relationship to her. She says I am just being insecure.
> 
> Would your spouse keeping these items (photos of scenes - not people or nick nack presents) and seemingly always talking about her experiences with these other guys bother you?


Additionally, given the evolving timeline, it would seem safe to assume that the woman described above (presumably ex-wife #2 or, possibly, STB ex-wife #2) is the same woman described in your other threads...

May 2014 - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/191194-am-i-wasting-my-time.html

October 2014 - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/financial-problems-marriage/227722-trust-issues.html

Sooo... if you've been dating your girlfriend for about 6 months, I take it that you discovered that your ex/STBX was cheating within a month or so of posting ^that^ ...?

And you more or less *immediately* starting dating...?

Where are you finding these women...?!?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Here's an easy solution to your situation:

*DUMP THE B1TCH*

Problem solved.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

BoltToBolt said:


> I just dont want to get hurt again - 2 wives 2 affairs


 The reason that both of your past wives each cheated on you is because you did not prioritize picking partners with healthy boundaries, and you are doing it again.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. - Albert Einstein


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

She's a selfish, childish bint who's either never going to change, or who's waiting for the right man to come along who won't tolerate her BS (it seems she's already got a few that will). Don't believe a word she says if she claims these relationships are platonic and there's no history. They're NEVER platonic and there's ALWAYS history.

And don't behave like a feminized chump and let anyone tell you this is your insecurity. You're a man and you're beginning to man up.

Play her at her own game and let us know how she responds.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Marry this one and you'll have three wives three plus affairs. 

And you won't even be able to complain because you'll have known exactly what's going on and married her anyway. 

Get rid of her, she's not marriage material.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You've only been with her for 6 months. We date to see if we're compatible with someone long term...that's what dating is for. You two are not compatible, she doesn't seem to value her relationship with you much at all.

You can't tell her what to do, but you can decide that you have boundaries, and enforce them. For the record, I don't know anyone who would be ok with this kind of arrangement.

Move on.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

frusdil said:


> You've only been with her for 6 months. We date to see if we're compatible with someone long term...that's what dating is for. You two are not compatible, she doesn't seem to value her relationship with you much at all.
> 
> You can't tell her what to do, but you can decide that you have boundaries, and enforce them. For the record, I don't know anyone who would be ok with this kind of arrangement.
> 
> Move on.


Spot on advice. 

OP, you need to get past any attachments you have formed with her as hard as it may be. 

If you try and stick this out with her, you will end up back on TAM complaining about how she broke boundaries and likely even cheating on you.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Here's the good news.

She isn't even trying to hide her attention-wh0ring ways, so you won't marry her and find out afterwards!

Lucky you!


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## robetona (Nov 26, 2015)

Secretive isn't good.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

I was reading in the paper about the "Dirty Little Secret" of how the Dutch are running all of the electric cars they are putting on their roads. THREE new coal fired power plants for tiny Netherlands alone. And I almost couldn't understand the point of the piece. Then it suddenly dawned on me: As all of these people talk about electric cars. As all of these people watched all of these electric cars buzz through the streets of relatively small Amsterdam, they beamed with pride because they thought they were saving the planet?

Is it possible that all of these people who think electric cars are saving the planet actually think they are carbon neutral? Is it possible that they don't know that clean, clear, carbon free electric energy needs to be generated somewhere? Somehow? IS IT POSSIBLE that local and national government officials who HAD BETTER know better, allowed that ruse to continue? Amazing.

Is it possible that women don't know that all straight men who go out of their way to spend time with them are doing so for one reason and one reason only?

Is it possible that PO's wife does't know it? Maybe, but I doubt it. What does that tell you? It tells ME she either has the lowest self esteem problems in the history of the planet, or she likes it. Imagine going through life with a bullpen full of potential f-buddies at your becon call. 

Oh, and DO NOT try to argue with me on that "girls, your male BFF wants to F you badly". It's been tried. It's never a long or even close argument. Especially you guys who will try to say "I don't want to F this girl I hang out with". I will prove you are either mistaken, a liar or gay. There will be no alternative. Don't waste everyone's time trying. Let's just try to keep this guy from going "three-fer". 

And I know FOR A FACT it will happen. This is only my gut here, so feel free to kick in with counterarguments, but my informal analysis reveals to me that all the really great gals that have "a lot of male friends" did so for a reason. (They were the ones who liked sex a lot, if I wasn't clear).


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Sorry. I forgot the gals. You don't even get a SAY in this. The one you offered it up to? The one who refused and said he just wanted to be friends? The one who you could have SWORN was "the one" because of all of the things you liked together? Cuddling up and watching Oprah? Your monthly Musical night where you scour the area for great community theater and ALWAYS choose a musical? How you've NEVER seen a guy who loved BOTH Madonna and Gaga? And...OMG. I can't even say it without starting to hear wedding bells...he also loves Babs!

(He's gay, if I wasn't clear).

And I did NOT thread jack with an agenda. I need OP to fully understand that she fully intends to screw one of these guys one day. Or one of their friends. Funny, SHE may not even know it yet.

I'm out. I love that poster who said to look for someone who finds YOU charming and funny. I love that so much I might even do it for myself, but that's another story.


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