# Performance Anxiety



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Ever since I couldn’t get an erection one time with my wife years ago I’ve always had some form of sexual performance anxiety.

It played on mind, what if it happens again? Well guess what next time we tried anything it happened again which led to a cycle and in the end I started taking viagra sporadically. It’s happened a few times since mainly after a night of alcohol.

It’s started to happen again. Before sex I worry about whether I will get an erection or not then struggle to get one. My wife is extremely impatient which then makes me more anxious.

Just now it’s happened and she’s like there’s something wrong with you and I might aswell go and watch TV. This time it’s happened of a morning with no alcohol involved so I can’t even blame that. 

I’ve took viagra before thinking we were going to do something and then she wasn’t interested and I’m lying there with a headache all night. I’m fed up of the cycle. Once we start having sex I’m absolutely fine, it’s like a relief. I’m in so I know it won’t go down and I enjoy myself.

I’m not even 40 and I’m fed up with the whole situation. I’ve got severe financial issues at the moment which isn’t helping my mindset but this has been going on long before that.

I just wish I was someone else but me. It’s one thing after another.,


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I've had two periods of life in which I worried so much that I wouldn't get an erection, that I didn't. I'm hoping some of these guys who passed through it found some things that helped.

Both these periods, for me, "came to pass". These were in the days before viagra et al. A wise doc prescribed niacin and testosterone shots. 34 years ago. It helped.

You're right, that the financial issues are weighing in heavy on this, and your wife is not really being helpful. Unfortunately, you can't change your wife into someone supportive and understanding. However, you can, likely, attack the financial issues head-on as best you can. A couple of small victories in this area might do wonders in your bedroom.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Get your testosterone level checked. A lot of doctors will tell you have 300 is "normal". That's nonsense. Fifty years ago, normal was about 1200. Few doctors will treat you unless you're below 600. Were you ever in the military? I have a business relationship with a doctor who does testosterone supplementation. He has some under-30 present and former military men coming in with levels under 90. When he gets their levels back to the real normal, they turn back into studs. One patient travels from Australia to the US for the treatment four times per year.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

BIL310 said:


> Ever since I couldn’t get an erection one time with my wife years ago I’ve always had some form of sexual performance anxiety.
> 
> It played on mind, what if it happens again? Well guess what next time we tried anything it happened again which led to a cycle and in the end I started taking viagra sporadically. It’s happened a few times since mainly after a night of alcohol.
> 
> ...


I went through this with my ex husband. If you've seen the doctor and he's given you a clean bill of health, then it's time to see a psychotherapist specializing in sexual disorders. They can teach you techniques to calm your mind and they can help you address it in a healthy manner with your wife when it does happen. 

Does your wife know you are taking Viagra? Why would you take it without knowing sex is on the table?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@BIL310

How is your health? Stress can absolutely impact your ability to get an erection and, if I remember correctly, you and your wife have plenty of issues to overcome and not just financial.

Adopting a plant based, or mostly plant based, diet can really rejuvenate the little soldier and regular exercise including weight or resistance training.

Psychologically, you could certainly be experiencing a block.

I went through this a few years ago. There was a complex combination of negative emotions between me and Mrs. C that made my tool very iffy when we tried to have sex.

What helped a bit during that time was to disengage my mind from the fact I was with my wife and I just treated her like a hot tart, just some wench I was screwing for my personal satisfaction and it worked like a charm and she really appreciated it as well. I didn't treat her badly in bed but in my head, she was just a sex object.

I got better and we are more back to normal now. If you're having financial issues, it may be tough to get the professional help that @Lila suggests but that might be your best course of action.
Best wishes.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife is definitely NOT helping. This is not solely a 'you' problem - it is a 'we' problem. You may not be able to afford counseling; but, surely someone on here can recommend a book that will help your wife to educate herself on sexual dynamics. That is if she is interested in having sex with her husband.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Your wife is definitely NOT helping. This is not solely a 'you' problem - it is a 'we' problem. You may not be able to afford counseling; but, surely someone on here can recommend a book that will help your wife to educate herself on sexual dynamics. That is if she is interested in having sex with her husband.


 @Blondilocks, I normally agree with you but have to disagree with this. Having been the wife in a similar situation, it's up to the person with the problem to find the solution, communicate it with their partner, and ask for appropriate support. 

Performance anxiety is not the end of the world if the person experiencing it doesn't let it be. Step one is owning it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

BIL310 said:


> Ever since I couldn’t get an erection one time with my wife years ago I’ve always had some form of sexual performance anxiety.
> 
> It played on mind, what if it happens again? Well guess what next time we tried anything it happened again which led to a cycle and in the end I started taking viagra sporadically. It’s happened a few times since mainly after a night of alcohol.
> 
> ...


It sounds like your wife is part of the problem here.

Have you had this issue with others in your past? Is this new? Is your wife generally judgemental?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Lila said:


> @Blondilocks, I normally agree with you but have to disagree with this. Having been the wife in a similar situation, it's up to the person with the problem to find the solution, communicate it with their partner, and ask for appropriate support.
> 
> Performance anxiety is not the end of the world if the person experiencing it doesn't let it be. Step one is owning it.


A wife saying “please get this checked out because I’m worried about you” is wonderful. 

A wife saying “there’s something wrong with you, I’m going to watch tv” is going to take a 3/5 problem and make it a 5/5 problem.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Lila said:


> I went through this with my ex husband. If you've seen the doctor and he's given you a clean bill of health, then it's time to see a psychotherapist specializing in sexual disorders. They can teach you techniques to calm your mind and they can help you address it in a healthy manner with your wife when it does happen.
> 
> *Does your wife know you are taking Viagra? Why would you take it without knowing sex is on the table?*


 Because there's a misunderstanding, likely shared by him, about how it works. Viagra doesn't make you aroused. If you're depressed & anxious and worried you're not going to be able to perform, and that your wife isn't going to help, taking Viagra could actually compound the problem, when based on a psychological issue. As in, I've taken Viagra and even that isn't working! 

If you're actually convinced Viagra WILL work, that can break through for your because of a boost in confidence. Perhaps the main thing Viagra *can *do is give you a second chance, because the refractory period, your down time between erections, will be shorter.

But more specifically, why take it if sex isn't a sure thing? Partly hope, and partly because it takes anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour to work. The side effects generally diminish over time; many never get headaches, the nasal stuffiness, if present, can be controlled with normal nasal spray, and the flushing of your skin (shortly after use) goes away in a month or two.

I have first-hand knowledge because I have to take it on an almost-daily basis for something entirely unrelated; Raynauds (a circulatory condition where certain triggers will cause a lose of blood at the fingers, turning them white and icy to the touch). Sex is actually better without the stuff because there's some loss of sensitivity, but sex isn't possible without it because icy hands are a huge turn-off to my wife.

As for experience with sexual anxiety in general, isn't really an issue for me. 63 years old and no more than 5 times in my life has it come up. Or not, I should say. Yet the stuff I've gone through lately has definitely made it a bit of a challenge a few times, because the wrong thoughts at the wrong time can kill things, and you have to wait a bit to clear the mind and get with the program.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Marduk said:


> A wife saying “please get this checked out because I’m worried about you” is wonderful.
> 
> A wife saying “there’s something wrong with you, I’m going to watch tv” is going to take a 3/5 problem and make it a 5/5 problem.





BIL310 said:


> Ever since I couldn’t get an erection one time with my wife *years ago I’ve always had some form of sexual performance anxiety.*





> I’ve got severe financial issues at the moment which isn’t helping my mindset *but this has been going on long before that.*





> I’m not even 40 and I’m fed up with the whole situation.


Sorry @Marduk but I'm not buying it. By BIL310's admission, the performance anxiety has been an issue for years and he's not even 40 yet. He's said it gets worse when he drinks, but he keeps doing that.

She might have been worried about him the first year but just like BIL310, she's fed up with the whole situation.

Maybe it's because I went through this exact same situation with the ex but at some point, the person with the issue has to take the initiative to fix it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Lila said:


> Sorry @Marduk but I'm not buying it. By BIL310's admission, the performance anxiety has been an issue for years and he's not even 40 yet. He's said it gets worse when he drinks, but he keeps doing that.
> 
> She might have been worried about him the first year but just like BIL310, she's fed up with the whole situation.
> 
> Maybe it's because I went through this exact same situation with the ex but at some point, the person with the issue has to take the initiative to fix it.


And I agree with that. The issue is clearly his to deal with.

My point is that instead of pumping the brakes when he’s heading for a cliff, she’s pushing his foot down on the gas.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> Because there's a misunderstanding, likely shared by him, about how it works. Viagra doesn't make you aroused. If you're depressed & anxious and worried you're not going to be able to perform, and that your wife isn't going to help, taking Viagra could actually compound the problem, when based on a psychological issue. As in, I've taken Viagra and even that isn't working!
> 
> If you're actually convinced Viagra WILL work, that can break through for your because of a boost in confidence. Perhaps the main thing Viagra *can *do is give you a second chance, because the refractory period, your down time between erections, will be shorter.
> 
> But more specifically, why take it if sex isn't a sure thing? Partly hope, and partly because it takes anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour to work. The side effects generally diminish over time; many never get headaches, the nasal stuffiness, if present, can be controlled with normal nasal spray, and the flushing of your skin (shortly after use) goes away in a month or two.


Trust me @Casual Observer, I know exactly how Viagra, as well as ever other oral ED drug, works. My ex Performance Anxiety was so strong that Viagra didn't work. He couldn't calm himself enough to get excited about sex. The only thing that worked was therapy.

My point with the question was why was he taking it without his wife's knowledge. I would hope that if he told her about it, that she wouldn't shut him down for sex. That's just cruel.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Marduk said:


> And I agree with that. The issue is clearly his to deal with.
> 
> My point is that instead of pumping the brakes when he’s heading for a cliff, she’s pushing his foot down on the gas.


Or maybe she's doing what she needs to do to protect her mental health. There's only so much unconditional support you can give someone before you get sick and tired of the apathy and lack of owning the problem.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Marduk said:


> A wife saying “please get this checked out because I’m worried about you” is wonderful.
> 
> 
> 
> A wife saying “there’s something wrong with you, I’m going to watch tv” is going to take a 3/5 problem and make it a 5/5 problem.




This!! How awful...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Lila said:


> Trust me @Casual Observer, I know exactly how Viagra, as well as ever other oral ED drug, works. My ex Performance Anxiety was so strong that Viagra didn't work. He couldn't calm himself enough to get excited about sex. The only thing that worked was therapy.
> 
> My point with the question was why was he taking it without his wife's knowledge. I would hope that if he told her about it, that she wouldn't shut him down for sex. That's just cruel.


I never thought otherwise (that you didn't know how Viagra worked). Many others here may not. I have a rather unique perspective in that I have to take the stuff but not for sexual reasons. Sorry you had to go through that with him.

As for why he might not initially tell his wife- perhaps he wanted to keep his own expectations in check and not have unrealistic hopes driven by his wife's feelings about the stuff. Trying to stay calm, for some, might mean trying it "quietly." See how it does before revealing he's on it.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@BIL310 here are some suggestions you can try:

1). Work out hard with heavy weights. Dual benefits - raise testosterone naturally and increase endorphins (helps with the anxiety)

2). As @ConanHub stated in his post, adopt a healthier diet. Drop the alcohol consumption.

3). Practice Mindful Meditation several times a day. YouTube has some great guided meditations that teach you how to do it.

4). If you are experiencing side effects with Viagra, try Cialis.

5). If the oral ED meds don't work, try the Trimix injections (alprostadil, papaverine, and phentolamine). You'll have to get this from a Men's Health Clinic and it's not covered by insurance.

6). Therapy with a sex therapist. I'd recommend it first but do understand it is the most expensive of all options.

If all fails....anti-anxiety meds might be in order.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@BIL310 There's a lot to be said for feeling like you're in control. The first place I'd start would be with your health. If you're overweight, if you live off donuts and coffee, if you think you don't have enough time to get anything done... you've got to change that mindset, set aside a certain amount of time during the week in which the goal is to get in a good workout, and just do it. Establish a new routine that nothing gets in the way of. If it means you have to cut back on TV or drinking or whatever... you just have to do it. The benefits of getting in shape will astound you. It won't be fun at first. Things will seem worse before they get better. But a couple months down the road and you'll look forward to inflicting voluntary suffering on yourself for a few hours a week, because it will train not just your body but your brain as well that there you CAN get there from here. It just takes drive.

Your body is an amazing thing. We rarely ask much from our bodies, but if we train them, they can deliver. I've got a nasty breathing issue (28% CO2 exhale capacity of normal) and a mild bone marrow cancer. Yet I test out at 140% V02 max for someone my age (64 in a couple of weeks) and the crappy chemo stuff I have to take has almost zero side effects, while for some, it knocks them flat. The key is building up reserves, making sure your body can deliver a lot more than just what's required for day to day existence.

You don't have to exist. You can thrive. And I'm guessing your confidence and ability in the bedroom will increase along with the rest of your body.

All of which is irrelevant if you come back and tell me you're in awesome shape already.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Lila said:


> Or maybe she's doing what she needs to do to protect her mental health. There's only so much unconditional support you can give someone before you get sick and tired of the apathy and lack of owning the problem.


Also possible. 

But I think they’re going to have to start rowing in the same direction, unless someone’s going to get out of the boat.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Marduk said:


> Also possible.
> 
> But I think they’re going to have to start rowing in the same direction, unless someone’s going to get out of the boat.


My situation is too close to @BIL310 and I sympathize with his wife so I will bow out. If he's interested in knowing what's going through her mind, he can ask me. Otherwise, I wish him the best of luck.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I once talked to a couple doctors at a party about ED. What they said was that the vast majority of ED isn’t physical - it’s mental. 

Viagra can be ok to get you over the hump, but you’re still going to have to deal with the mental issue. 
@Lila has a perfect list, but one I’d like to add a couple things to. 

The first is that you need to move your relationship forward together. I’m reading an interesting book right now called Buddha’s Bedroom. I don’t think you’re in a place where it would be helpful necessarily - but it heavily suggests that a more mindful relationship where you make your intentions known and work together, things get obviously better. So as @Lila said, a mindfulness practice is advised, and try it together. 

The second is that you need to bring down your anxiety and stress in general. Mindfulness can help with that, but also getting your finances in control will help with that. So get them under control. I highly recommend getting a good financial advisor. 

And, at the top of her list is to lift heavy things. When in doubt, go work out. When you want a drink, lift something heavy instead.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> This!! How awful...
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


There’s an underlying dynamic here that seems toxic. 

If it’s unresolved, he can get boners until the cows come home, and it will just come out in other ways. 

Erections are probably the symptom, not the cause.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Lila said:


> @Blondilocks, I normally agree with you but have to disagree with this. Having been the wife in a similar situation, it's up to the person with the problem to find the solution, communicate it with their partner, and ask for appropriate support.
> 
> Performance anxiety is not the end of the world if the person experiencing it doesn't let it be. Step one is owning it.


I think he's owned it as he says he's tried various things to solve the problem. Your husband (apparently) solved the problem by getting a different partner (the jerk). The OP and his wife really need some counseling on how to reset their sexual expectations and approach sex differently. To learn how to make lemonade out of lemons.

If his wife is fed up, she knows where the door is.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> I've got a nasty breathing issue (28% CO2 exhale capacity of normal) and a mild bone marrow cancer. Yet I test out at 140% V02 max for someone my age (64 in a couple of weeks) and the crappy chemo stuff I have to take has almost zero side effects, while for some, it knocks them flat.



OH NO!!!! I must have missed you mentioning this before...I hate that you are going through this and I hope you are going to be ok...!! It sounds like you are doing well...right...?? (((((HUGS!!!)))))


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> I think he's owned it as he says he's tried various things to solve the problem. Your husband (apparently) solved the problem by getting a different partner (the jerk). The OP and his wife really need some counseling on how to reset their sexual expectations and approach sex differently. To learn how to make lemonade out of lemons.
> 
> If his wife is fed up, she knows where the door is.


I'd be interested in hearing what @BIL310 has actually tried beyond the Viagra. 

Different people react differently to ED and it's a matter of compatibility. My ex husband was in denial about his performance anxiety. He thought he could "cure" himself without drugs or therapy. At year 3 out 4 of PA was when I put my foot down and told he needed to see someone. 

He's still drug free but he is with a better partner. She's the perfect Mommy wife. It works for him (and her). I'm not a mommy wife and never have been. 

After my ex and I split, I dated a man who had ED due to performance anxiety. He was upfront about it and about all of the things he was doing to try to remedy it. Compared to my ex, this guy was absolutely interested in resolving the issue. I never once felt responsible for his erections unlike when I was with my ex. 
He used the penis injections and was unashamed of it. The first time he used it he told me I'd love it and I sure did - hours of sex and no worrying if I was going to have to deal with the aftermath of ED. Anyways, he's a much better match for me than my ex when it came to how they each handled their Performance Anxiety.

All this to say that @BIL310 needs to understand which category his wife falls under and then take appropriate action.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> OH NO!!!! I must have missed you mentioning this before...I hate that you are going through this and I hope you are going to be ok...!! It sounds like you are doing well...right...?? (((((HUGS!!!)))))


I am doing better than well! Super well even. Definitely an outlier. About to head out on a 60 mile bike ride through the mountains. Thanks for the kind thoughts!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i used to have occasional ed. who knows whether it was mental or physical.

but since i bumped up my workouts, it burns the blood vessels clean and i have not had a single issue since 2015 (5 years) and i'm 65 now and me and the wife at least twice a week.

so, i can testify that being in shape and lots of exercise should do the trick.
i will add though that the wife is really good at getting the pump working, so that's an important aspect too.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I’ve been lucky and only had a problem once in my life. 

It was when I first had sex with my ex wife, who was a virgin. 

Ive decided that **** was trying to tell me something that my brain didn’t want to hear.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Lila said:


> I'd be interested in hearing what @BIL310 has actually tried beyond the Viagra.
> 
> Different people react differently to ED and it's a matter of compatibility. My ex husband was in denial about his performance anxiety. He thought he could "cure" himself without drugs or therapy. * At year 3 out 4 of PA *was when I put my foot down and told he needed to see someone.
> 
> ...


I was trying to figure out what PA stood for and figured you were referring to *** (kitty) atrophy from lack of use. Then realized it is the thread title. Doh!! :slap: Take pity on me - I've been filling out my tax organizer and getting all the numbers tallied today.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> I was trying to figure out what PA stood for and figured you were referring to ***** (kitty) atrophy from lack of use. Then realized it is the thread title. Doh!! :slap: Take pity on me - I've been filling out my tax organizer and getting all the numbers tallied today.


THIS is HYSTERICAL!!!!! Is that a real thing that can happen...?? YIKES!! Lol!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I cannot help but feel that everyone, men and women alike, at some juncture in their lives undergoes some form of performance anxiety, albeit physically or psychologically!

I have only had this malady occur when having relations with a new partner, but those jitters successfully got overcome with both time and repetition!*


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

As with many things in an ltr or M, this is something best addressed head on and with good communication and no judgments. 

The W has to be clear she's not "not desirable enough", and the H has to be clear he's not "not being Man enough". 

Unless there are great markers to the contrary on those topics, let's go with there aren't, in this case.

Could it be physical, yes, get a physical, H check your diet and exercise. 

Could it be mental; yes, both parties don't make a mountain out of a molehill. 

If the W does nothing but poke fun and turns away in a juvenile manner that's her issue to correct.

The alchohol intake affects this challenge more as some adult males age, definitely something to pay attention to.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> THIS is HYSTERICAL!!!!! Is that a real thing that can happen...?? YIKES!! Lol!


TBH, I have no idea. The adage "use it or lose it" sprang to mind.


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## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

BIL310, One more vote for getting your health checked first.
Then find some positive way to cope with your stress.
Also , pick a good time to talk to your wife about the problem. It’s all about TIMING! Get her on board.
Good luck it can get better!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP,

I haven't really seen where you and your wife really dealt with your purposeful infidelity. I know at one point you were like she's taken me back and it's over. You were given advice at the time that when you destroy someone's trust like that it doesn't just go away. I think both of you could find some usefulness to counseling. 

She maybe having some serious body image/ confidence issues with your sexual issue. I mean you not to long ago purposefully struck up a relationship with a younger beautiful woman in your words a 10 worth destroying your marriage over because she was so beautiful. Only to get caught by your wife in the hotel room. When you lose your erection or have trouble with it you don't think she might be wondering if that would happen with the other woman? IF she isn't enough for you. These issues are already for women before you throw in an affair with a beautiful younger woman.

You of course are now worried about not only your performance but her reaction to that. Her words and actions aren't kind. They could be worse. The might as well watch TV maybe a deflection tool to hide her worry or actually try to let you off the hook. Or there could be some purposeful cruelty partially due to unresolved sexual resentment from the affair.

I would agree with poster that say get your health checked out, improve your diet and exercise. But you may need to go to counseling as well as your wife. Even if it isn't related to the recent affair, you two need to work on your communication and treatment of each other.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Thanks for all your replies. It’s definitely a mental problem not physical although I’ve not been the doctors.

It’s only generally happened in the past when I’ve had a lot to drink. This occasion was a morning so that was different. The fact I know my wife isn’t patient (ie if it’s working within 3-4 mins) it just makes me anxious leading to it definitely not working!

5 mins later when I’m in the bathroom it’s standing to attention because the pressures off.

When I take viagra you could literally line up every girl in town. It’s never not worked.

After our issues over the last couple of years we’ve actually been really good in the bedroom. Personally I am going through some financial difficulties which isn’t helping though. And I’m filing for bankruptcy so it’s probably the most stressed I’ve ever been.

However it’s definitely performance anxiety. I need to find a way to mentally get over that so it never happens again.


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## Deepsouthdude (Feb 12, 2020)

Have you considered counseling? I started counseling recently for similar issues.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Deepsouthdude said:


> Have you considered counseling? I started counseling recently for similar issues.


No. I tried to counselling last year for some issues I was having coping with debts, anger etc and I was on a waiting list for 6 months.


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## Deepsouthdude (Feb 12, 2020)

BIL310 said:


> No. I tried to counselling last year for some issues I was having coping with debts, anger etc and I was on a waiting list for 6 months.




Wow, that’s crazy! I would probably give up on it as well. Are you limited in the choice of counselors?


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Wow, that’s crazy! I would probably give up on it as well. Are you limited in the choice of counselors?[/QUOTE]

Unless you pay yes, and at the moment with my financial difficulties I can’t afford to.


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## Deepsouthdude (Feb 12, 2020)

BIL310 said:


> Wow, that’s crazy! I would probably give up on it as well. Are you limited in the choice of counselors?


Unless you pay yes, and at the moment with my financial difficulties I can’t afford to.[/QUOTE]



That stinks. Thankfully my health insurance through my job helps out a lot with mine otherwise I wouldn’t be able to afford it either.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Hi @BIL310,

I know exactly what you are going through. Its an issue I have had to manage most of my life. I'm 40 now and I have had the problem since my late teens. For me, it is 90% mental and for me at least 10% physical characteristics.

I was very late to lose my virginity and this played a heavy burden on my confidence with women and creating arousal. I was very late to mature and would beat myself up about being a chicken with girls (not having the guts to kiss them etc). I also failed to get the confidence to try to have sex with women during high school (up to 18 years) and early university.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was around 22 and all of my attempts to have sex prior to that had ended up with lack of an erection (usually quite drunk which didnt help). I really beat myself up hard about not being able to bed a woman. I sought medical attention around that time and I was told it was all in my head. I would have normal full erections every morning and masturbation was never a problem. My first sexual partner was when I was 22 and I stuck to her like glue to get a few runs on the board. Yes I still had failed sexual attempts but it slowly got better. She was very patient and understanding which was key for me to make progress. My sex life after that was good generally but it was like I couldn't shake the trauma from my head and about half the time I would have a massive stress and freak out about not getting or holding a full erection.

There is something deeply traumatizing about not being able to perform as a man, it is like there is something deeply rooted in our brain that this act is the main reason we exist and if we cant do it, our brain tells us we are worthless. Its very stressful.

I got married from the age of 28 or so and had a great sex life in that 7 years. Yes I still had the occasional stress out moments whether I would get an erection and yes that usually caused a problem. I would say that was 5-10% during that period. I learnt to be patient with myself and accept it for what it is. My first wife wasn't exactly patient but the chemstry was very strong between us and I usually overcame the stress out.

After my first wife cheated on my and we divorced, that brought back all the issues I had when I was 20. Failure to get my wife pregnant after our first miscarriage in that time compounded the stress. I had 5 or so failed casual sexual encounters while I was single and no successful sex. I saw a sex counselor, I saw a doctor, I even saw a hypnotist. I was stressed to the max.

I then met my now current wife. Again the chemistry was key. She was very patient with me and I was able to explain my history with the problem. I was using viagra in secret at the time because I couldnt deal with the sexual failures. At first I hid this fact but then I fessed up and she was very understanding. This meant that when we did have problems early in our relationship, yes I was max stressed about it still but it helped greatly to have the understanding of my partner. The fact we could have perfectly normal sex most of that time proved it was mostly in my head.

I don't think I will ever shake the issue. It is too deep and too engrained. I dont care what any counselor says, this a deeply traumatic issue for men and I dont think you can ever be fully cured. I also think that if someone does experience issues occasionally, there is somewhat of a physical aspect to it as well. After 4 years of marriage and two kids, we still have sex multiple times a week and even if I start a bit limp occasionally, with the two of us being so relaxed about it, we get going soon enough. Its barely an issue anymore. That little voice is still there though, its just I can tell it "Yeah OK boner killer, but I don't care what you say, its not that big a deal, I'm just getting on with it anyway"

My advice is;

accept that this trauma will run deep and will probably be with you forever,
accept that there may be a small physical aspect to the problem,
you need to seek the understanding and support from your partner. If your wife can't do this, its not a relationship worth being in anyway and wont last in my opinion.
Be kind to yourself. The sooner you accept what happens, the less it will happen.

On a more practical side, here are a few of my tips;

Work on root causes of stress. This definately affects your erections.
Exercise helps (for me it was mostly about clearing my mind, but perhaps there is a testosterone increase there)
Encourage your wife to have sex in the morning while you are building your confidence back up. You will have a clearer mind, your body will be rested and take advantage of the morning glory.
One little trick I used to use was have sex before you go to the toilet in the morning. I find the pressure in your bladder somehow helps maintain a stronger, longer erection.
try rubbing yourself on her opening to encourage an erection. This gives both of you pleasure and buys you some time to relax and get in the right head space.
when having sex, if you feel yourself losing an erection, REALLY FOCUS on your own pleasure sensations, it will stop your head getting in the way.

Good luck. Learn to accept things for what they are rather than fight your way out of it. Seek understanding and support from your partner.


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