# When did you know you were ready?



## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

I’m legally divorced now for two months, I’ve been separated from my XW for a year and change. I’m a 51 year old man with two young kids ages 6 & 11. For at least 6 months after the separation I fought to keep the family together, and looking back there was zero chance of success, but I’m glad I did it because I answered all the “what if I…” questions in my mind. 

I feel in no way ready to date, I’m just getting my life back together and still adjusting to divorced Dad life. However because of my age I don’t want to wait too long, but I’m just so busy (have the kids 50/50,) and in my mind I want to get my life stabilized before I want to take on any more change. Plus I feel like my ability to commit to anything is almost nothing at this point.

My question to those who have gone through this, is how long did it take you to get back out in the dating world.? And how did you know you were ready?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'd say most of us dated too soon.  That's how you figure out just how far along in the healing process you are. 

You probably don't want more children at your age so there's no rush. Refreshing to see an older man with kids that young. Most of the men your age I go out with have kids in college and don't want a young teen to deal with - they want to up and go at the drop of a hat for a weekend away or meet for dinner on a week night and that's not going to happen. You'll probably face some of the same things. 

Pretty soon you'll stop thinking about your XW as much and stop thinking about that previous life and focus more on the now and the future. Then you'll start finding certain women very intriguing. A few false starts are to be expected.

To answer your question - I was married 15 years; 13.5 of which were together, last 1.5 separated. A first dating experience that was a rebound after 6 months; a year or so later dated for a year as I was learning my new interests/tastes/expectations so ended that. That's when I knew I was ready. But probably a full four years before I was completely ready to jump in to dating seriously.

I go through phases where I want someone; other times I don't care. Right now in the 'don't care' phase.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Justadude said:


> My question to those who have gone through this, is how long did it take you to get back out in the dating world.? And how did you know you were ready?


This comes at a great time! Because I just realized over the past week that I am "ready" finally. Separation was just over 4 years ago and while I have ... hung out with some men and had some light dating, I think I am ready-ready to date. Whereas before I seemed to ave more reservations. I've noticed over the past few months my cold black heart melting some.

This was not an easy path for me. To get to. I am still... confused about marriage and it doesn't make me want to go screaming into another wedding again but just lately I notice myself noticing people, flirting with people and just being...open to people. Whereas for a long time I was CLOSED the eff off to any and everyone. No no no was my answer. 

It takes time. For some it takes no time, for some it takes longer. I was just getting lectured recently on how "Your problem is you haven't at all entertained any kind of relationship since exH" and I was like, Ya know... you are RIGHT. 

You'll get there. And it's going to happen when you least are planning it but you will just "feel it." I feel it in my bones a little.


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

Here's the truth....
Found out he was cheating May 09
Being married for over twenty years I wanted to allow my emotions to subside. Then I told him Aug 09 I wanted to end this mess.
Sept 1st 09 when he pulled away, I truly felt relief, sadness, anger, hurt, doubt and grief. I joined a program called divorce care. 

While I was attending that....I was dealing with his pleading, begging and even we to MC a few times. I be 100% honest, I had a difficult time. I barely funtioned and cried non-stop. 

I allowed him to pull me back into his life. I BECAME THE OTHER WOMEN and I was married to his a55! He lived in his own place, and he would lured back into his life. When he wanted me. It was battle field of the mind. BUT I ALLOWED IT. When I stay strong, stay busy, he would start the begging BS again. DEC 31, 2010 was the last time I was ever around him except in court. I needed heal and move forward. 

So I can honesty say...Jan 2011 HEALING began. I would not answer his calls. And I changed my number. 

This past 1.5 years, I started dating process. Thou I am not serious about anyone. I find nice people but not marriage, long term relationship material. 

One of my worst things I hate....being asked out from a guy who's clearly isn't over his ex. The date is all about her and him! I had one dinner date tell me he drove by his ex's apt every morning. RED FLAG. I swear even seen a guy who's ex wife had a key to their home they once shared. I don't need BS crap like that. Nor do I want to be someone rebound. Hope this helps you some. ~Kim


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You'll just internally know! When you're able to carry on dialogue that does not include any mention of your exes, and you are totally focused on you and your date having a good time, that, IMHO, is when you're truly ready to date!

And should that dating relationship ever turn semi-serious or mutually exclusive, then that might well be the only time to wear your feelings about your respective exes out on your sleeves!*


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

You can google it. There's many sites talks about the emotional steps in healing. To me there a big difference in causal dinner date and laughing verse sleeping with someone and having them in your life daily. Thou If your up front and honest with the person it will get you more respect then lying pretending your ready when your not.

The break down of my marriage was both our problems. Him cheating on me was his problem. And I truly feel someone has to learn from past behaviors, heal, grow and be a better partner. If you don't you just repeat the same cycle in your next long term relationship. 

I have spent sooo much money on seeking answers from multi lic trained counselors and reading, unless you have DPD dependent personality disorder your answer is 3-5 years.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

How long depends on you. If your going to date and still have a chip on your shoulder with the divorce and you Ex, chances are that your end of the conversation with the woman you asked out on a date will center around your divorce. If she's recently divorced then both of you will compare notes and never know if you have anything in common except yours and her bitterness towards your former spouses. 

If she either single for a while after her divorce or never married, she's going to have a boring night listening to you go on and on. 

So my advice to you is this, get yourself squared away. Regain your mojo and when you feel you have her out of your system, then you will know. 

What I told you about at the beginning of this reply is the mistake I made and after getting shut down, I took a step back, got it out of my system and then I was able to date without bringing up the past with my Ex and when it did come up, I was able to talk about it and after it was said, I didn't need to rehash it. Good luck.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I don't know if that is a question anyone can answer for you, if you even know yourself. My D isn't even official yet but I've been emotionally checked out for so many months maybe I am ready.
The only thing that puts a smile on my face is looking forward to being with someone that has the qualities my W did not.
10 years of marraige is a long time, but when I've been nothing but a paycheck and emotional whipping post for the past few years it hasn't been that hard to let go. Sadly the discovery of the affair was a bit of relief...it explained a lot of things and with some help here from TAM, made me realize my shortcomings were really her projections and far from truth.

Age is another concern, it won't be that long and I'll be 40, I'm struggling to keep a full head of hair. It's not like I'm in my 20's where a couple years in the single pool is no big deal. At the same time I'm more aware of what I want in a match and between work, kids, and being back on my own finding that person is going to be like looking for a diamond among broken glass.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Its like orgasm you know when it cums....

Seriously tho take the time when you are ready it will happen. A few things that helped me are.

1. You will never have someone like your X. Good and bad no one will replace them.

2. You will never love someone the same way you loved them. Good and bad love is individual that love is like a flower each one different and perfect in there differences once dead never to be reborn the same way.

3. You relationship with someone else will be different. Good and bad.

4. You don't have to date. You got all the time you want. Nothing wrong with being single you are not going to miss out on THE ONE if you decide not to date.

5. Look to your life to make you happy not dating or people. Find your internal happiness first. A good IC is and was instrumental given my past.

6. Laugh about it as it really is a wacky world with wacky people. Learn to enjoy the wacky and weird learn to enjoy it when things do not go your way. Dating is great for laughs. 

Take advice and think on what you get but decide for yourself if you want to do it. Remember no one lives your life only you do and really be the hero of your own life. That means being honest if you just want to date out of fear don't do it. If you want to date out of loneliness then take it slow and don't jump just dip some toes in and do the internet thing.

Lifes funny you have all the time in the world till you don't have any. So when the ride ends as it always must you are not going to be saying damn I wish I had dated more


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

badcompany said:


> Age is another concern, it won't be that long and I'll be 40, I'm struggling to keep a full head of hair. It's not like I'm in my 20's where a couple years in the single pool is no big deal. At the same time I'm more aware of what I want in a match and between work, kids, and being back on my own finding that person is going to be like looking for a diamond among broken glass.


A couple years isn't a big deal at 40 either. And trust me - 90% of women don't care about hair. We care about how you wear it - i.e. no comb-overs or long stringy ponytails. I've dated as many bald or balding guys as I have men with hair.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Even if you aren't ready to be serious about dating, you may benefit from dipping your toe in to get acclimated. You may have a hard time because of both your age and young children, so it could easily take far longer to meet someone comfortable with your situation than most men your age would experience. Unless you are lucky, you will need patience and a positive attitude to avoid becoming disillusioned, IMO.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I started dating a month after my Ex left the house and before I was legally divorced.. 

As was said you can casual date and just be upfront and tell them you are not emotionally available at this time or not looking long term atm..


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *You'll just internally know! When you're able to carry on dialogue that does not include any mention of your exes, and you are totally focused on you and your date having a good time, that, IMHO, is when you're truly ready to date!
> 
> And should that dating relationship ever turn semi-serious or mutually exclusive, then that might well be the only time to wear your feelings about your respective exes out on your sleeves!*


This is how I feel about dating afterwards. So many men I know - both IRL and here on TAM - seem to feel the need to start dating again IMMEDIATELY, and I simply don't understand that. Like they have to find a replacement immediately, like it's a job vacancy for a critical position. It's not. If you don't take the time to learn from the failed relationship and grow, the next relationship isn't going to be any better.

Personally, I'm taking my time. I mean, if I meet someone AMAZING, I will totally jump on that, but besides that? I see no pressing issue to jump into the dating scene. I love having my own space again, and not being beholden to anyone. Don't get me wrong, I definitely WANT a LTR again, and I even think I would get married again, to the right person - but being successful at that means being successful with me first.

My STBXH started dating/looking for a new partner very early into our separation - which is a whole other can of worms I'm not going to go into, so as not to hijack your thread. But he was astonished when, six months after he moved out, he learned that I HADN'T started dating yet. As if there was something wrong with me because I hadn't started dating yet. When it was really the other way around -- he claimed that he had mourned our marriage, that he had worked through his issues, but it was apparent that he hadn't. Because of that, I know his current relationship is going to crash and burn. And I don't want that to happen to me. I don't want to make the same mistakes twice. That's why I'm waiting.

And when I'm ready, I'll know. When I meet someone new, and the topic of my divorce never comes up - and I don't think of bringing it up - then I'll know that I'm ready.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> This is how I feel about dating afterwards. So many men I know - both IRL and here on TAM - seem to feel the need to start dating again IMMEDIATELY, and I simply don't understand that. Like they have to find a replacement immediately, like it's a job vacancy for a critical position. It's not. If you don't take the time to learn from the failed relationship and grow, the next relationship isn't going to be any better.
> 
> Personally, I'm taking my time. I mean, if I meet someone AMAZING, I will totally jump on that, but besides that? I see no pressing issue to jump into the dating scene. I love having my own space again, and not being beholden to anyone. Don't get me wrong, I definitely WANT a LTR again, and I even think I would get married again, to the right person - but being successful at that means being successful with me first.
> 
> ...


And when I stop speaking of my successes in comparison to my STBXH's failures, then I'll know that I'm ready to start dating again


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## Simcha (Jul 14, 2012)

You will know when it feels right. I am 46, father of two boys 9 and 5. Was married for 9 years, before I was served. Didn't want the divorce but was living in misery. The divorce took 11 months. Did not date throughout the divorce process. My X on the contrary started dating within 6 months, perhaps sooner and immediately brought the new bf around the boys. I was in a lot of pain. Recently I started dating a beautiful 26 (not a typo) year old girl. She says she's into me, I will not second guess her, I have a lot to offer. 

Hang in there, life gets better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rebuilding72 (Oct 23, 2013)

I think it depends on the individual person. Some people have very painful divorces and it takes them longer to heal. Others are in loveless marriages and its a bit easier to move on.

For me, it was loveless- I started dating very soon. But we both did. Whether it was too soon or not, not sure, everyone heals and moves on their own way.

I think you should listen to your heart and let it tell you if you are ready. Even if you aren't ready to "date", get out and meet new women as friends. Those friendships may turn into something more when you are ready  

Lots of luck!!!


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

rebuilding72 said:


> I think it depends on the individual person. Some people have very painful divorces and it takes them longer to heal. Others are in loveless marriages and its a bit easier to move on.
> 
> For me, it was loveless- I started dating very soon. But we both did. Whether it was too soon or not, not sure, everyone heals and moves on their own way.
> 
> ...


Good post and my thoughts exactly, and the way I am moving forward as well


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