# Wife's Diary



## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

Please forgive me in advance, I have never done anything like this before.

I am recently married (just over a year) and my wife just moved away temporarily (I don't want to get into specific details due to the public nature of the forum) - but it was not due to any relationship problems. 

She asked me to send her a book from the house and in the process of looking for it, I found her journal on our bookshelf. I read it. The most recent entry was about 2 years ago, but I discovered that she had slept with her boss, who is a married man with children. This was before we were married, and that is not my concern - anyone can be susceptible to temptation and weakness and I am certainly not fit to judge her. However, my concerns are: in an entry after the sexual encounter, she writes as though she is now his wife and essentially it is now her family (shows more than just a sexual encounter and a degree of disillusionment); she professes her love for him; she still works for him; and she doesn't keep many sentimental items in general - however, she still has this journal (which is basically just a documentary of her affair with him). 

The only documented sexual encounter was years ago, however, she still has "lunch" with him from time to time (it might actually just be lunch, but either way, it is just the two of them), including after we were married. 

My questions are:
1) What should I do? My concern isn't that she slept with him, it is that she is still in love with him and possibly still sleeping with him or confiding in him instead of me.
2) Is it appropriate for her to still be working for him, or to go to private engagements when it will just be the two of them?
3) Was reading the diary wrong? I understand that there is implied privacy, however, this was out in the open and in our home. Also, while reading it may be wrong, what if there is something going on - does that help to offset the potential wrong of reading it? (the argument that we are supposed to trust each other, yet there are major secrets which, if out in the open, would impair that trust to begin with)
4) If she was "over" him, why would she still have the journal and other correspondence between them?
5) I feel like in order for this marriage to have a chance, this needs to be brought out in the open - I tell her I read her journal (could be thought of as a breach of her trust on my part - I am still trying to decide, but will concede the point for the sake of argument) and then we talk about the affair. My gut tells me that she still has some deep feelings for him, but even if she doesn't, does the fact that it has happened once (granted she was not married at the time) make her more susceptible to do it again?

Thank you for the help, I am totally lost.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I don't see how you could keep this to yourself. For all you know, they are still at it.

She left it on a bookshelf, not in her panty drawer. Anyone could pick it up. 


Regardless, what is done is done.

And no, it is not appropriate that she have any 1:1 time with this man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

I forgot to include this in my first post:

Do I have an obligation to tell his wife? Part of me says it is none of my business (besides, who knows what their arrangement may be) and part of me says that if the tables were turned, I would want someone to tell me, and my wife still goes over to their house and interacts with their children.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

if they have an arrangement it won't bother her at all 

oh yeah I kinda think you do have an obligation . she doesn't know she won't want your wife anywhere near her family and could you blame her ? 
I would be better if her husband told the truth 
but how likely is that without you threatening him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So your wife has daily contact with a married man with whom she's already had a deep and lasting emotional and sexual relationship with and she makes little to no effort to hide. Aren't we modern.


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

I should clarify, we live overseas and due to certain circumstances she has moved back to the states. She doesn't have daily _physical contact, but in her job they email frequently (perhaps daily, but I don't know). I don't think that they see each other very often. Again, my main concern is her heart - does she still have feelings for him? I think there has to be something there. 

I don't know if I would characterize it as "modern" necessarily, but I do think it is tragic - more so for his family, since they have children._


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I'd confront her on this. You just have to handle it with kid gloves, don't get h er on the phone and say, "Wtf is this???" Be truthful, say you came across it the way you did, and express your concerns about her having continued contact with an Ex. Sure he wasn't a BF to her, but still somebody she was once intimate with, and thus continued contact is not observing the proper boundaries of marriage.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Sounds like you've opened Pandora's Box and that's unfortuntate, because once you know something you can't unknow it. The thing is, you don't know everything, you only know what you have read - which is likely not to be the whole story.

The last entry in the journal was two years ago - a lot can happen in two years....look at your wife, she married you. So she has obviously moved on (relationship-wise) from the other man....or why marry you?

The fact that she still has the journal may not mean anything sinister - I've kept most of my old journals simply because they are a part of me, perhaps she feels the same.

Plus it was on the bookshelf, not hidden away in a secret place - it doesn't sound like she was not wanting you to ever find it. Maybe it's just the opposite. Ask yourself why she would leave something so private and intimate in such an accessable place.

Perhaps she was hoping that you would one day find it and read it, because maybe she feels guilty about the affair and could never find the right way to tell you about it. 

I think yes, when she comes home and is settled back in to life you should speak with her about it - in an understanding and gentle way....not at all accusing or attacking.

Having an affair with a married man is not an honourable thing to do, and while I'm not condoning it, she was a single woman at the time - she was not the married person, so I don't believe her having done it is an indicator of her having an affair herself.

I would most definitely NOT tell the wife of the other man....what you read happened well in the past now - it's not your place to say anything. You have no idea what was happening in their marriage then or what is happening in their marriage now.


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

what do you think about continued contact with the husband?


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

Do you think I can ever trust her? I ask because my job has me gone for months at a time, often with little or no contact. I would have to be able to trust her again in order to feel secure. I know that is a hard question to answer, but just looking for everyone's opinion. I have always been of the mind that a cheater is a cheater is a cheater, meaning that if they cheated once they will do it again.


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

Unfortunately I won't be able to see her in person for at least a few months, maybe longer. Is this something that should be broached over the phone or internet? I just talked to her tonight, but I didn't mention it. However, I am not good at masking my feelings and it was obvious that something was bothering me. I think I may just be in-between a rock and a hard place, in that I won't be able to see her and do this in person, yet I can't pretend I don't know about it either.

I have to mail her some things, I was thinking about putting it in one of the boxes with a note - but that seems pretty cowardly, at least as a way to tell her I know about it for the first time.


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

That is very good advice about inquiring how she has addressed her delusional thoughts. Thank you very much.


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

This guy also did a reading during our ceremony. Have I been punked or what?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Whoa. That is heavy. 



sparkletts said:


> what do you think about continued contact with the husband?


I don't like it, personally. You will have to discuss this with her.


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

Yes, I think you're correct in that you put yourself between a rock and a hard place. However, you're there. I think you might have crossed over an indistinct line regarding respect by reading her diary. But just as one cannot reasonably expect privacy in a public space, I think it is unreasonable for one spouse to expect complete privacy in the marital home. Your wife presumably had the power to dispose of the diary. The fact that she didn't makes me think that she was not greatly afraid that you might find it. 



sparkletts said:


> 1) What should I do? My concern isn't that she slept with him, it is that she is still in love with him and possibly still sleeping with him or confiding in him instead of me.


I think you need to ask her. If this is a concern of yours and you don't resolve it, I suspect it will fester.



sparkletts said:


> 2) Is it appropriate for her to still be working for him, or to go to private engagements when it will just be the two of them?


It depends upon the nature of their current relationship and how you feel about it. If you feel threatened by their apparent professional relationship, then yes, it is inappropriate. If there's anything going on between them, then yes, it is inappropriate and you need to seriously evaluate your relationship. The fact that they had a relationship in the past would not bother me so much as the fact that he was married at the time. To me, that makes that whole past relationship inappropriate. Presumably they kept the betrayal of his wife a secret. That is not a comforting precedent. However, considering it was two years ago and (assuming it is over) I don't think you need to feel obligated to tell his wife. Perhaps they've already dealt with that tragedy. You don't know and frankly, if your wife is no longer involved with him the relationship between cheating husband and wife is none of your business. 



sparkletts said:


> 3) Was reading the diary wrong? I understand that there is implied privacy, however, this was out in the open and in our home. Also, while reading it may be wrong, what if there is something going on - does that help to offset the potential wrong of reading it? (the argument that we are supposed to trust each other, yet there are major secrets which, if out in the open, would impair that trust to begin with)


See above. I don't think this was a major gaff on your part. Perhaps it will even work to the advantage of your marriage because it gives you an opportunity to confide in each other now. Many relationships (mine included) develop major problems because husband and wife get into the habit of not sharing how they feel. You're only one year into your marriage. Make it a priority to check in with each other emotionally. This is a good opportunity to start that. Don't make your wife guess at how you feel. 



sparkletts said:


> 4) If she was "over" him, why would she still have the journal and other correspondence between them?


I still regard my former girlfriends with affection and nostalgia. Don't you? It may be nothing more than a comforting memento. She had a life before you. She is not required to give it up at the alter.



sparkletts said:


> 5) I feel like in order for this marriage to have a chance, this needs to be brought out in the open - I tell her I read her journal (could be thought of as a breach of her trust on my part - I am still trying to decide, but will concede the point for the sake of argument) and then we talk about the affair. My gut tells me that she still has some deep feelings for him, but even if she doesn't, does the fact that it has happened once (granted she was not married at the time) make her more susceptible to do it again?
> 
> Thank you for the help, I am totally lost.


I think you're on the right track. Since you are concerned, you should bring it up. And probably the sooner the better. No doubt she already knows something is bothering you--just by the tone of your voice. I'd think it would be better to have the conversation in person but you may have to settle for the next best thing. At least let her know that you came across the diary, read it and want to discuss it some time in the future. 

In the meantime, keep in mind how much you do NOT know. Don't jump to conclusions. You don't know all of your wife's past and she doesn't know all of yours. Part of your relationship is to learn more and more about each other. This is an opportunity to do that.


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

Thank you for the post - I thought it was very thoughtful. An issue for further discussion, you mentioned:

I still regard my former girlfriends with affection and nostalgia. Don't you? It may be nothing more than a comforting memento. She had a life before you. She is not required to give it up at the alter.

I completely agree with that statement, however, I don't work for my former girlfriends or married women that I have had affairs with, and certainly didn't invite them to my wedding - although I am not necessarily against that. My concern is how she seems infatuated with this man, slept with him (at least once) knowing he was married with children, wrote in her diary about her new "family," and is now still in contact with him - sometimes just the two of them. Even if they are no longer sexually involved, they must be at least confidants in my estimation, and if they are - where does that leave me? If I could trust her, I wouldn't even care if they were hanging out together alone. However, if I was going to hang out with a woman I had been sleeping with now that I am married, you can be sure that I would give my wife full disclosure before hand. Maybe the fact that I stumbled onto this makes me more suspicious than if she would have been upfront with me in the beginning. For the sake of argument, I am admittedly no female expert, so maybe she tried to tell me but I shut her down?


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

Seems to me you might be suffering from a twinge of jealousy and your trust in your wife is faltering. Is there a reason? Something more than just finding a two year old diary?

I think accepting that your wife had previous lovers and continues to have platonic friendships with them is a sign of emotional maturity. Of course, you have to be absolutely certain that the friendships ARE platonic and you have to be absolutely sure of your trust in her to do that. I think most people find it too difficult to achieve that level of trust (and maintain it) and just find it easier to cut off all contact. Particularly in a fairly new relationship. There's nothing wrong with that. It is a perfectly reasonable preventative measure.

But neither is it a guarantee. I had no problem with my wife's former boyfriends remaining in contact with her. One of them did come to our wedding. She cheated on me with strangers. There is no direct correlation. The common denominator is my wife. 

If your wife is capable of cheating on you it probably doesn't matter whether it's with a former flame or a new infatuation. The problem is not the other man, and it's not the current situation. It's her. 

Again, why are you suspicious? I think there are two ways you can alleviate your suspicions: 1) You can investigate and discover that she is fooling around (note that you can never prove that she is not), or 2) You can open up the lines of communication with her so that you know where she is emotionally in your relationship. 

I wish I had done No. 2 many years ago. It would have saved us both a lot of pain.



> I am admittedly no female expert


Egads! You think there is such a thing? It sure ain't me!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You know what we used to say?

"Don't look too hard up that wildebeest's ass less you want to find out why"


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

sparkletts said:


> I forgot to include this in my first post:
> 
> Do I have an obligation to tell his wife? Part of me says it is none of my business (besides, who knows what their arrangement may be) and part of me says that if the tables were turned, I would want someone to tell me, and my wife still goes over to their house and interacts with their children.


Simple answer is yes you have an obligation to tell his wife. If you are a religious man you must now act like one. If you are not religious I would still tell her point blank and show her the proof photocopy it and give her a copy.

This will cause troubles in your marriage be ready for that too. Now is the time to be strong and do the right thing. Save her from herself if you must.


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

Does anyone on here have any experience with an online or phone marriage counselor? I appreciate everyone's advice, but also think I should talk to a professional.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

has there been anything else in your relationship with your wife that would lead you to believe that there is still a affair (physical or emotional) going on? is the marriage otherwise solid? can the OM visit your wife?

if the answers to these questions are no, i would suggest that you leave matters alone until she returns. this isn't something to hash out long distance.

when she comes back and you are calmer and rational, explain what happened and explain that you need to be able to trust her and that means openness AND a possible change in jobs.

btw - don't know why you and her are apart so much but it won't help this situation if you continue to do that.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

and yes your should see a professional. i don't know if on-line is the best situation and what your insurance covers but talking to someone (other than us blokes in here) will help.


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

Married and Confused, 

Thank you for the thoughtful post. However, I don't feel like I am irrational or not-calm about this whole episode. I think it boils down to this - can I trust her? Again, the critical aspect of this whole scenario isn't that she cheated with another man - I am not perfect and don't hold others to that standard - it is that she has revealed her DEEP feelings for this man in her journal and their relationship is ongoing. I don't feel informed or included, and that is not what my idea of a union entails. I believe that there is simply something wrong with someone that can sleep with a married man and then interact with the wife and family as though nothing is wrong. That to me is the greatest concern.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

sparkletts said:


> Married and Confused,
> 
> Thank you for the thoughtful post. However, I don't feel like I am irrational or not-calm about this whole episode. I think it boils down to this - can I trust her? Again, the critical aspect of this whole scenario isn't that she cheated with another man - I am not perfect and don't hold others to that standard - it is that she has revealed her DEEP feelings for this man in her journal and their relationship is ongoing. I don't feel informed or included, and that is not what my idea of a union entails. I believe that there is simply something wrong with someone that can sleep with a married man and then interact with the wife and family as though nothing is wrong. That to me is the greatest concern.


SHE didn't cheat on anyone. She was single.

He cheated on his wife.

She is not cheating on you just because she didn't tell you about every single aspect of her life PRIOR to marrying you - as AP said, not required to give up who you were prior to the marriage.

I personally see ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to tell the OM wife - what would this do? The affair happened before you and your spouse got married - so it's not like she cheated on you and you need to expose her - your exposure would be to expose him and I don't feel that's your place or right.

This happened BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED - so essentially the actual affair is none of your business from the standpoint of exposing anyone.

Now if it makes you uncomfortable that she is working with him and you now don't trust her in that situation - then handle it from that viewpoint. 

I guess my question to you would be WHY do you all of a sudden NOT trust her because you found out about an affair she had before she knew and married you? Simply because she's working with him - was it that easy for your trust in her to just fly out the window?

Got to be more going on here than that.

Is there insecurity?

Are other issues happening in the marriage and this is your red herring?

I just don't understand you losing trust simply because she didn't tell you she had an affair with her boss before you even met?

What am I missing here???


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

"...and their relationship is ongoing."

this is the key. if the "relationship", meaning an emotional or physical relationship, is on-going, yes by all means get in her face. and this includes private lunches.

but if you are talking about working with him and only interacting on a work basis, a talk later may be called for.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> "...and their relationship is ongoing."
> 
> this is the key. if the "relationship", meaning an emotional or physical relationship, is on-going, yes by all means get in her face. and this includes private lunches.
> 
> but if you are talking about working with him and only interacting on a work basis, a talk later may be called for.


:iagree:

And am with you on this.


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

Married wife in love, 

I think Chris Taylor addressed the issue. Like I said in my initial post, my issue isn't with the initial relationship. I believe anyone can have a moment of weakness. My issue is with her frame of mind after the affair - she clearly wrote that she felt like the mother, etc. That doesn't seem healthy to me - nor does the apparent fact that neither of them were ever held accountable and they are still having some type of relationship. Just because there isn't a new journal entry doesn't mean that nothing is happening or she no longer has legitimate feelings for him. Does that make sense?


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

Also, if the relationship was over and in the past, why have the journal? Or, if you wanted to keep the journal, why have it out in the open for anyone to find and read? That doesn't seem to make sense to me.


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

Also, I don't think it is healthy or appropriate for continued contact. I personally can not imagine sleeping with another man's wife and then hanging around the rest of her family as though nothing was wrong. Doesn't that seem disturbing?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

sparkletts said:


> Married wife in love,
> 
> I think Chris Taylor addressed the issue. Like I said in my initial post, my issue isn't with the initial relationship. I believe anyone can have a moment of weakness. My issue is with her frame of mind after the affair - she clearly wrote that she felt like the mother, etc. That doesn't seem healthy to me - nor does the apparent fact that neither of them were ever held accountable and they are still having some type of relationship. Just because there isn't a new journal entry doesn't mean that nothing is happening or she no longer has legitimate feelings for him. Does that make sense?


Sure - but what basis do you have (ANY, OTHER THAN AN OLD DIARY) to think that anything IS happening?

It seems like you've jumped from - oh, she had a sexual relationship with a married man from BEFORE I met her to - I can't trust her, she still works with him - something MUST be going on because it did before - and that's where I'm coming from.

That's a big leap that you AUTOMATICALLY took when you read the diary - why?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

sparkletts said:


> Also, if the relationship was over and in the past, why have the journal? Or, if you wanted to keep the journal, why have it out in the open for anyone to find and read? That doesn't seem to make sense to me.


Maybe she forgot about it - could be possible - anything is possible.

Or maybe, like another poster said - she didn't have anything to hide, it was in the past and she forgot where she left it and it wasn't that important if it was found.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

sparkletts said:


> Also, I don't think it is healthy or appropriate for continued contact. I personally can not imagine sleeping with another man's wife and then hanging around the rest of her family as though nothing was wrong. Doesn't that seem disturbing?


Maybe.

To some - yes

To others - no

But if it bothers you - then address it from that standpoint. That YOU don't think its appropriate and that YOU would like her to stop all contact.

But, from what you've told us - she is really close to this man (you can have a close BF as a man - I don't care what anyone thinks - I had one for years - and we always remained friends only and still are to this day), and she MAY NOT just jump and cut off all contact - are you prepared for that possibility?


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

Just so I can gauge where you are approaching this from, you don't think some people would be disturbed to find out that a family friend had been sleeping with your spouse? Or, that infidelity is one thing, but it is a degree worse when you bring that infidelity home with you?


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

can you explain the conditions surrounding her spending time with the guy and his family? is it part of a company setting where she is there as an employee? is he a family friend as well as her boss?

i agree with others that what happened in the past isn't relevant. it's what is going on now. but having said that, YOU need to feel comfortable with the current situation, even if it isn't illicit. that calls for an honest discussion with her.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

sparkletts said:


> Just so I can gauge where you are approaching this from, you don't think some people would be disturbed to find out that a family friend had been sleeping with your spouse? Or, that infidelity is one thing, but it is a degree worse when you bring that infidelity home with you?


Either or.

Apparently, and I hate to say this - it didn't bother YOUR WIFE to go into the home knowing she slept with the woman's husband and has continued to maintain a working relationship and friendship.

Apparently a "sensitivity chip" missing in your wife.

For me, that would be my biggest problem.


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

Married wife, 

That is exactly my main concern. I would say that there is something missing from the husband, but I could care less. My focus is on my wife and marriage and, in my attempt to understand this situation and my feelings / reaction, I keep coming back to the fact that it didn't seem to bother her, or if it did, she was able to ignore that feeling. This forum has been very helpful for me to gauge my initial reactions and compare my feelings to others, but I am convinced that the only way this situation has a chance of working is with professional help / advice. 

Married and confused, 
She used to be his personal assistant. In this capacity she must have been around the family quite a bit, I don't know the exact extent, but do know that she has even vacationed with the family. She knows and keeps in touch with their children too.


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

Yes, we all make the assumption that the people we choose as a spouse shares our feelings about having a relationship with a married person. Statistically, I think about 25% of us are wrong. Have you ever really talked about it? It's time to do so.

It seems to me that you are prematurely grasping at straws and letting your imagination get the better of you. Do you really want to withdraw your trust from your wife because of something she did years ago, before she was with you? Something that she wrote, perhaps during a period of infatuation? Something that appears to have fizzled out? After all, she chose to marry you. 

Yeah, it can be a shock to discover that she wasn't exactly who you thought she was. And you may be justified in condemning her acts. But does that mean you condemn her as a person and decide that she is not good enough for you? 

You need to talk to her. And then if it's still an issue you may want to consider professional counseling. I'm a big believer that counseling can help overcome a lot of issues. The fact that she had a relationship with a married man may be a deal breaker for you. You're the only one that can decide that. But try to look at it as objectively as you can, with as much information as you can get and try to look at it as dispassionately as you can. Don't let your emotions run the show. And get your wife's perspective. Whatever you decide may have a major impact on her life. She deserves to know why.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

It seems possible that her relationship with the married man was also a fantasy since other aspects of the "story" in the diary are clearly not true. You definately need to ask her about it in person ASAP. If it was a total fantasy that wasn't acted upon then I would be uncomfortable with her having lunches with him and would request that she discontinue this if possible. IMHO it's a matter of respect for the marriage, but this is not a popular opinion in some circles.

If she did have this relationship and she is comfortable interacting with his family then I would be very concerned about her moral character. Even if the guys marriage was in serious trouble she should be experiencing some quilt/shame about potentially breaking up a family and find it uncomfortable to interact with them. 

Does your wife sincerely express that she misses you? Did she marry you knowing you would be gone most of the time?


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

Enginerd, 

Those are my exact concerns - and I think the only way I am going to figure out the answer is through professional couples counseling. She seems to be sincere when she tells me she misses me, and yes, we discussed how much I would be gone prior to the marriage (although neither of us could have known that the first year would be this difficult - without this new stuff). Unfortunately I don't have the ability to fly to her and discuss / handle this now. I have decided to let her know what has happened and what I think we need to do to possibly save anything we have. I think the ultimate decision will be decided upon her moral character. Anyone can make a mistake, and I have made plenty myself, but the part about interacting with the family doesn't express any guilt or remorse, which makes me question her character. Thank you for the post.


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

Before I post the latest update, I have another question: Is it wrong for me to be on this forum to begin with? I feel like I can justify / rationalize it because I don't have any very close friends physically here to consult with and also because even though I am on this forum, it is anonymous.

I just sent her an email informing her that I had found the journal. She tried to call, but I didn't answer and then she sent me an email. She said that it was a couple years ago and that it was only thoughts and that I should have respected her privacy. I emailed her back and told her I wasn't ready to talk about it and that she should please think about this before she tries to talk with me, not to lie to me, and that the appropriate place to discuss this in detail is with a professional counselor. She emailed me back and said sure, she would do whatever needs to be done but that she wanted to talk to me because she didn't even know what i was talking about. i responded by asking her again, to please meditate on the situation and think very carefully about how she responded. I told her that I don't know how this will end up at this point, but that I did know how it would end if she was dishonest with me.

A couple points that I am curious of others opinions - obviously she got blindsided with this (in the sense that it was just another day for her one minute and the next it was a bombshell), and I don't blame her for responding the way she did - denial. However, there is no way that with the amount of detail in the journal it was just her "thoughts." I am not stupid. 

1) Does the fact that she initially denied it and lied speak negatively to her character, or can that be chalked up to an expected initial response?

2) I know I have already asked this, but just to put it to bed, she mentioned that I should have respected her privacy and not read her journal. Is this a valid point? Again, the journal was on the bookshelf, in the open, for anyone to find. It wasn't locked up, hidden, or in any way "put up."

I would say that my initial reaction is that this won't end well for the relationship.


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

sparkletts said:


> Before I post the latest update, I have another question: Is it wrong for me to be on this forum to begin with? I feel like I can justify / rationalize it because I don't have any very close friends physically here to consult with and also because even though I am on this forum, it is anonymous.
> 
> I just sent her an email informing her that I had found the journal. She tried to call, but I didn't answer and then she sent me an email. She said that it was a couple years ago and that it was only thoughts and that I should have respected her privacy. I emailed her back and told her I wasn't ready to talk about it and that she should please think about this before she tries to talk with me, not to lie to me, and that the appropriate place to discuss this in detail is with a professional counselor. She emailed me back and said sure, she would do whatever needs to be done but that she wanted to talk to me because she didn't even know what i was talking about. i responded by asking her again, to please meditate on the situation and think very carefully about how she responded. I told her that I don't know how this will end up at this point, but that I did know how it would end if she was dishonest with me.
> 
> ...


First, you are right to seek feedback in this forum. You have remained anonymous and have not provided any details that would allow anyone to identify you or your W. There is good feedback here, including sometimes feedback on things you would not otherwise have considered. Your posts reveal you as a smart, clear and rational thinker. I don't think you will be unduly influenced by third parties here, but that you can both vent and reasonably consider other folks' views on the subject while you decide what is right for you.

Second, I like the way you are approaching this. Telling her to take her time in responding, to get her thoughts straight first, and to let her know that dishonesty will be the deal breaker was the correct, fair and thoughtful approach. You did not violate her privacy by looking in a journal that she left out for anyone to read and took no pains to secure.

Last, since she is still interacting with the OM, including occasional lunches alone together, this is NOT a thing of the past. At the very least, she violated your trust for her by not revealing the VERY MATERIAL information to you that she had had an affair with this guy, when she left you thinking that she was having lunch with a mere work acquaintance. There is obviously some chance that they are still either EA or PA at this point, so you are quite reasonable in pursuing this to determine the truth and to determine if your M should continue and if so on what terms and with what boundries.

I like your approach a lot. Carry on my friend and good luck to you. I wish the best for both you and your marriage.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

there's nothing wrong with posting here. Keep it up.

As for your reaction to her reaction, I think you did right. maybe you should have added that when you DO talk, she only gets one chance to explain so the truth has to start immediately.

An even if it was just "thoughts", she needs to do whatever it takes to give you trust in her, including no contact with the OM.

Finally, whether it was right or wrong to look at her diary, you have to take that issue off the table immediately. Otherwise THAT becomes the discussion point. Admit immediately that it was wrong and you shouldn't have done it. Apologize for it, then it is not the issue anymore and you two can concentrate on the real issue.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

You're anonymous here so its not a violation of your wife's privacy. She may not like the idea, but that fact that your reaching out in a rational way and considering your options outweighs any annoyance she may have with you sharing details. 

1. She may just be scared she's going to lose you so give her a second chance to explain. 

2. Reading her diary is a violation of her privacy and you should appoligize for doing it, but the cat is out of the bag. It's not likely that she forgot about it and the fact that she did not hide it or dispose of it prior to your marraige raises other questions. Did she value it so much she wanted to keep it? Did she want you to find it? If she focuses future discussions on the privacy invasion then she's attempting to divert the argument away from the real issue.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

sparkletts said:


> Married wife,
> 
> That is exactly my main concern. I would say that there is something missing from the husband, but I could care less. My focus is on my wife and marriage and, in my attempt to understand this situation and my feelings / reaction, I keep coming back to the fact that it didn't seem to bother her, or if it did, she was able to ignore that feeling. This forum has been very helpful for me to gauge my initial reactions and compare my feelings to others, but I am convinced that the only way this situation has a chance of working is with professional help / advice.
> 
> ...


I would agree with MC.

She was able to compartamentalize her actions and carry on as though nothing has happened - has to be a reason - either a flaw in her character - the way she was raised to deal with her feelings, something.

Good luck!


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## dairod33 (May 23, 2011)

thats rough. i found out my wife was reaching out to her ex thru facebook,texts, and even borrowed cell phones. he lives in the carribean we live in the north east. BUT she admitted to still having some sort of left over feelings for him. they hadn't talked in 14 yrs. she even asked me if it were possible to love two people.we've been together for 13yrs. that killed me. i lost trust for her was even ready to walk away. idk whats worse; a quick fling with some loser or an emotional attachment to someone who's so far back in the past. 

ONE PERSONS F-UPS BECOME SOMEONE ELSE'S TRIALS


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

Thank you all for taking the time to thoughtfully respond to my posts - I definitely appreciate the feedback and it has given me some perspective. It has been very heplful during this trying time.

After I emailed her I also emailed her sister (who lives near where she is staying now) to please check up on her and make sure she is doing ok. She (her sister) said that my wife had already called her a few times. I didn't reveal any of the circumstances or details to her sister, or in any way mention that it was even marital issues.

If you have any suggestions for other actions I should be considering please let me know. Again, thank you all for the support and candid dialogue.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sparkletts said:


> Also, I don't think it is healthy or appropriate for continued contact. I personally can not imagine sleeping with another man's wife and then hanging around the rest of her family as though nothing was wrong. Doesn't that seem disturbing?


Essentially one is playing with real fire for former lovers to have this relationship you speak of. Even if it is innocent now it could spark at any time. Him being her boss is a no no. That is a position of power and control. He can make up excuse for them to be together. remember he cheated on his wife. Also them being alone together is a problem. Really and truly this situation is not just potentially toxic for you is it realistically toxic. At best. 

Now lets add the fact that you spend months on end away from her!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO!!!! 

The boss at any time could contrive a get together. He has more access to her than you do.

This has nothing to do with jealousy. In general ex-lovers are a huge potential issue in any relationship.

Reading further there are some big red flags.


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## sparkletts (May 23, 2011)

I was looking at some other websites about what a mistress is thinking and why she might think she is part of the family. It seems that the consensus is that it is low self esteem. I tend to agree, but regardless, for the sake of argument - if she was suffering from low self esteem initially, why would she still be in contact with him now that she is married?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think her affair and continued contact with the MM shows a lack of moral fiber and a deceptive nature. 

Concealing the nature of her relationships with a man she is still in contact is a serious breach of trust. This is vital info for you to have it gives you and idea of who and what she. You then decide if you want to be in a relationship with her and you also have the chance to get her to D/C contact with this man if it makes you uncomfortable. Had you known you cold have asked to get another position and not to travel. 

You don't have children now, you have to decide if she is the type of woman you want to trust your heart to. She has not revealed herself to you. She kept a secret from you and that does not bode well for the intimacy in a relationship. Weight all of your options, listen to what she has to say and decide carefully. Investigate weather an EA or PA is ongoing. You have to do the digging. If she is cheating she will lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

For overall context:
1. How strong is your marriage overall?
2. How strong is the sexual part of your marriage?

Do you ever use skype? I would use it for this conversation. 






sparkletts said:


> Unfortunately I won't be able to see her in person for at least a few months, maybe longer. Is this something that should be broached over the phone or internet? I just talked to her tonight, but I didn't mention it. However, I am not good at masking my feelings and it was obvious that something was bothering me. I think I may just be in-between a rock and a hard place, in that I won't be able to see her and do this in person, yet I can't pretend I don't know about it either.
> 
> I have to mail her some things, I was thinking about putting it in one of the boxes with a note - but that seems pretty cowardly, at least as a way to tell her I know about it for the first time.


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

Even if there is nothing physical going on she probably still has feelings for him.

For me, if she were not willing to leave her job and cut off all communications with him, I doubt I could stay married to her.
Too many doubts and too much looking over your shoulders.
That's no way to live. Every time she had to work late, my mind would start playing tricks on me.
But some people can put those things on the back burner and move on better than others.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

surfergirl said:


> Sounds like you've opened Pandora's Box and that's unfortuntate, because once you know something you can't unknow it. The thing is, you don't know everything, you only know what you have read - which is likely not to be the whole story.
> 
> The last entry in the journal was two years ago - a lot can happen in two years....look at your wife, she married you. So she has obviously moved on (relationship-wise) from the other man....or why marry you?
> 
> ...


Ding Ding we have a winner!!!


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

Wow. I have no idea how people can be with someone and have feelings for someone else.

If I had any feelings for someone else other than my husband, I would not keep that to myself. I'd talk to him about it because I wouldn't want to lead him on thinking that I love him more than anyone else. I guess some of us are built differently.

If my husband ever kept a secret like that from me and I found out through a diary or any form, I would ask for a divorce. It would hurt to think that I loved him yet he didn't return the love on his own. I would feel so empty and hollow. I wouldn't know who I was anymore. 

I guess that's why I can't understand people who do that.

...anyway, I know that was an odd way of giving advice but I hope you can see it from my point of view. I know it's difficult to see things clearly when you are in the eye of the storm.


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## wunderbar (May 30, 2011)

I do think she has a valid point about you violating her privacy. Even finding it on accident as soon as you knew what it was (her diary) you should have stopped reading. However, knowing human nature of course that wasn't going to happen. So she has a right to feel violated. It could be like her finding your email open and rummaging through it then confronting you on something from 2 years ago.

As for her not remembering...she may have several diaries and several years worth of memories, so she really may not know what specific thing you are talking about. 

Where to go from here I'd say its very important to meet soon and discuss. Know what you want out of the meeting - she stops all contact with him (if he is no longer her boss) or she switches jobs, etc. If you aren't satisfied with her response - then what? Is it a deal breaker for you? Can you forgive? Maybe you could talk to a counselor alone, first to figure out what this would or wouldn't mean to you


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

sparkletts said:


> I just sent her an email informing her that I had found the journal. She tried to call, but I didn't answer and then she sent me an email. She said that it was a couple years ago and that it was only thoughts and that I should have respected her privacy. I emailed her back and told her I wasn't ready to talk about it and that she should please think about this before she tries to talk with me, not to lie to me, and that the appropriate place to discuss this in detail is with a professional counselor. She emailed me back and said sure, she would do whatever needs to be done but that she wanted to talk to me because she didn't even know what i was talking about. i responded by asking her again, to please meditate on the situation and think very carefully about how she responded. I told her that I don't know how this will end up at this point, but that I did know how it would end if she was dishonest with me.


You will get nothing from her other than denial that it's anything other than a fantasy she wrote out and that you have invaded her privacy. You will be framed as the one that went nuts and ended the relationship for no good reason.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If the diary ended two years ago, I'd be wondering where the more current ones are.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

wunderbar said:


> I do think she has a valid point about you violating her privacy. Even finding it on accident as soon as you knew what it was (her diary) you should have stopped reading. However, knowing human nature of course that wasn't going to happen. So she has a right to feel violated. It could be like her finding your email open and rummaging through it then confronting you on something from 2 years ago.
> 
> As for her not remembering...she may have several diaries and several years worth of memories, so she really may not know what specific thing you are talking about.
> 
> Where to go from here I'd say its very important to meet soon and discuss. Know what you want out of the meeting - she stops all contact with him (if he is no longer her boss) or she switches jobs, etc. If you aren't satisfied with her response - then what? Is it a deal breaker for you? Can you forgive? Maybe you could talk to a counselor alone, first to figure out what this would or wouldn't mean to you


I have no secrets from my wife. She can read any emails or forum posts or whatever. This may not be how it is in other marriages. He did nothing wrong. She is his wife. They are partners.

It is my opinion that she should not be working for this guy in any event.


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