# Am I wasting my time?



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Ehh, so I'm back after a long absence. Things have gotten worse at home. But anyway...

Several months ago my husband admitted to me that he doesn't think he can have children. It threw me off because before we got married and even soon after he talked about having a few kids with me like nothing was wrong. Now all of a sudden he told me that bit of information. He said that he feels that he is the problem because he's tried to have children with his exes in the past unsuccessfully. All three of those women have children now so he is convinced that it is him. I feel like he led me on.

Well to make matters worse, he isn't open to adoption and refuses to get tested because of his "pride." He said that he will wait about 5 years and if we still have produce any children then he will be willing to let me go so I can find someone else to have kids with since he knows that what I eventually want. 

Of course it hurt me to think that he is willing to make have me wait and potentially waste my time when he isn't open to any other options. I feel so torn and feel like he deceived me. And even worse he doesn't feel like he did anything wrong by with holding this bit of information to me. He said I should be glad that he at least told me. I'm hurt over it and for a while kept crying about it. He went as far as saying that he regretted telling me that because he thinks I'm "overreacting." 

A part of me deep down still has hope because I've heard of couples trying for years and years to have children and then randomly pop one after another after 5 or so years. A part of me is hoping that he will one day see is his mistake and admit that he shouldn't have hurt me like that and just been up front from the get go. Especially after talking with me about our future children in the past like nothing was wrong! Of course it's easy to say to just leave him but I'm just not sure on how I should be feeling and what to do next. We moved across the country far from family and friends so I can't just lean to someone close for comfort or just walk away. I'm not even sure I want to walk away from this marriage. I have hope. Why? I don't know. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh Goog LORD! His PRIDE? What... If is from the 18 th century? He does understand that sperm count has ZERO to do with testosterone ...right? Your H is being about as Neanderthalic as possible right now and I strongly suggest you STOP coddling him!

Tell him you already made an appointment for him and he is going! How can he look at himself in the mirror knowing how much this upsets you but he would rather you go through this horror every damn month when you get your period, for five years, before he'll take any steps in solving the problem. How can he think of himself as a decent husband, good man knowing he is putting his own selfish pride before your very real fears! How can he do this and how can YOU put up with it?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So......1. he pulled the bait and switch and 2. his pride matters more than a simple test. Wow. I'd divorce him on the basis of fraud.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

My ex has a friend like this. His marriage lasted 3 months. She left and none of us blamed her for a second.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Seriously, did you marry him for his sperm? I know that sounds crass, but you said you would love each other for better or worse. You might need to consider what that means. 

At the same time, he might need to check his pride at the door. Your marriage should be a priority to both of you, which means he has a duty to uphold his end... pride be damned.

What HE is "willing" to have YOU do is absurd. The only person who has a right to willingness for your actions is you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She married him thinking she'd have children with him because he said he would.

Wanting a child doesn't make her wrong in wanting to leave.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

No, marrying him with the idea of leaving if he didn't live up to her expectations, on the other hand...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So if someone says yes they want kids and then you marry (because you want kids too) and then they say they don't want kids....is something to stick through life with?

Sorry, I wouldn't want to waste my life without having children. That was important to me. Some people choose not to have children, and that's awesome for them. But for me, it would have been horrible to not have my kids.

He's not living up to what he said he wanted.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

SepticChange said:


> he talked about having a few kids with me like nothing was wrong...
> 
> he's tried to have children with his exes in the past unsuccessfully. All three of those women have children now so he is convinced that it is him.


That's horrible. What kind of person would do such a thing!

Don't "feel" like you were led on. You were deceived thoroughly, and the refusal to get tested raises an even bigger red flag. 

"Pride" makes absolutely zero sense. But if he has already been tested and doesn't want you to know - that explains it. 

The "offer" to try five more years is a means of delaying until you feel it is too late to start over. 

I'd demand the test or file for divorce.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. 5 years? In a woman's life, that is a long time to wait to have children. I had my first at 23 and my second at 32. I will say it was much easier with my first, energy wise.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The issue is, he was gung Ho for kids, but later admitted he might not be able to have any...then stated his pride won't allow him to get his sperm count checked and he wants to keep trying for another 5 years!!!

SepticChange, what are your plans?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

SepticChange said:


> A part of me deep down still has hope Of course it's easy to say to just leave him but I'm just not sure on how I should be feeling and what to do next. We moved across the country far from family and friends so I can't just lean to someone close for comfort or just walk away. I'm not even sure I want to walk away from this marriage. I have hope. Why? I don't know. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


Maybe counseling would help mend this rift. It's nothing wrong with having hope. This is your marriage we're talking about here and I don't blame you one bit for hoping to get through this. If he truly mislead you that was wrong but it's not a deal breaker unless it is to you. You might want to wait awhile anyway to address the underlying issues that it seems like you already had. 

Don't lose hope but do try to get him to get tested. My Husband and I tried for 4 years to have a baby. Pride got in his way too but from a different aspect and was about to ruin our marriage before he was forced to deal with it. 

I hope things work out for you both.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Oh Goog LORD! His PRIDE? What... If is from the 18 th century? He does understand that sperm count has ZERO to do with testosterone ...right? Your H is being about as Neanderthalic as possible right now and I strongly suggest you STOP coddling him!
> 
> Tell him you already made an appointment for him and he is going! How can he look at himself in the mirror knowing how much this upsets you but he would rather you go through this horror every damn month when you get your period, for five years, before he'll take any steps in solving the problem. How can he think of himself as a decent husband, good man knowing he is putting his own selfish pride before your very real fears! How can he do this and how can YOU put up with it?



Yeah I'm seeing that I need to put my foot down. I should make an appointment with him and if it results in him getting upset and leaving then so be it. I'm trying to be strong and tell him what I want. Trying to accept things for what they are is tough, especially since he doesn't see what he did wrong.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> No, marrying him with the idea of leaving if he didn't live up to her expectations, on the other hand...


What expectations? Like mentioned before he told me that he wanted kids as well. I was deceived.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> The issue is, he was gung Ho for kids, but later admitted he might not be able to have any...then stated his pride won't allow him to get his sperm count checked and he wants to keep trying for another 5 years!!!
> 
> SepticChange, what are your plans?




I don't know yet.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> Maybe counseling would help mend this rift. It's nothing wrong with having hope. This is your marriage we're talking about here and I don't blame you one bit for hoping to get through this. If he truly mislead you that was wrong but it's not a deal breaker unless it is to you. You might want to wait awhile anyway to address the underlying issues that it seems like you already had.
> 
> Don't lose hope but do try to get him to get tested. My Husband and I tried for 4 years to have a baby. Pride got in his way too but from a different aspect and was about to ruin our marriage before he was forced to deal with it.
> 
> I hope things work out for you both.



I sought counseling on my own which helped a little bit. I brought him with me once and that didn't go over very well. Let's just say that my counselor (who is a female) let her feelings get in the way and I could tell she was trying very hard to hold back. My husband didn't like her at all and refused to go back with me, as he is not open to marriage counseling. It took me weeks to convince him to go to that one session. Sometimes I feel like I'm holding onto hope that doesn't exist.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

My goodness, the man is scared! He's saying that it's his pride but the turth is he scared of the result if the test comes back positive that he has a low sperm count which makes concieving difficult. You desperately wants kids. He desperately wants YOU and he is afraid that if the test comes out badly that you'll leave him for a man that can produce.

He was _wrong _to keep his suspicions about himself to you because honesty is such a huge thing in marriage however this is an intensely personal thing for him as well and his lie of omission in this matter is not a dealbreaker, imho. Had he never wanted children and lied to you that's different. But he does appear to want children and he wants to be the one to give them to you. (Hence the resistence to adoption) Remind him that the test is just a test. It could wind up being that the reason that his exes never got pregnant could be a combination of poor timing and physical issues on their part. Maybe his swimmers were just waiting for the right woman i.e you.  Offer to have yourself tested at the same time. If the thought of ejaculating on command makes him uncomfortable offer to help him get "in the mood" before the test.

What's important to note is that he opened up something intensely personal to you. Secondly even if he appears to be handing you the short end of the stick he is doing so out of a sense of self preservation, NOT to maliciously make you suffer.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Fledgling I have spoken to a few close friends about this and they suggested that he may have been afraid to lose me. I asked him if it was the case and he said it wasn't. Why he chose to break down and tell me, I don't know. He said because it just suddenly came to him. Which is obviously a lie. Deep down he could have been afraid but it was still wrong to keep that from me. He doesn't mind living a life without children but every month he tells me that he tries. Now he wants to do it just to make me happy. But still nothing. I'm in no rush though. Just knowing that I may have something taken away from me hurts. 

I'm tempted to just make an appointment for him and if he throws a fit, then so be it. Now I wonder...where can I go and how much does it cost?

Oh, and I told him I was willing to get tested too because he threw back "what if you're the problem?" I don't mind. As soon as I showed interest in wanting to find out he backed down and said there was no point for me to get tested. He just confuses me sometimes.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

SepticChange said:


> My husband didn't like her at all and refused to go back with me, as he is not open to marriage counseling.


This is a huge neon sign of a person who knows they are in the wrong and doesn't want an impartial referee to prevent him from abusive behavior and unfair dealing. 



> Oh, and I told him I was willing to get tested too because he threw back "what if you're the problem?" I don't mind. As soon as I showed interest in wanting to find out he backed down and said there was no point for me to get tested. He just confuses me sometimes.


The only reason why you are confused is that you assume his actions are forthright.

The moment you come to your senses and view this as the behavior of someone deceiving you then it makes perfect sense.

If you get tested, the problem has been proven to be him. So no sense in you getting tested. That's just as bad as him getting tested. 

Have you ever spoken to any of his ex's to ask them if he had gotten tested?


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I haven't spoken to his exes. I don't know any of them and have no way of contacting them as he is no longer friends with any of them.


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

are you sure he hasn't had a vasectomy before he met you? i could be way off base, but it would explain why he confessed he 'thinks' he is not able to have children but is refusing to get it checked out...maybe he already knows the reason he can't have kids.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

He hasn't.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Well, then, if he's not scared of losing you because he can't have kids (which would seem like a likely scenario given that you have hinted at past relationship problems with him)...then maybe it really is his pride. How long have you actively been trying?He seems to not mind the thought of becoming a father.

If he had never said anything to you would you be worrying about your ability to concieve (as a couple) at this point? Marital stress, like what you have indicated, can keep a couple from concieving btw. Instead of psychoanalyzing his motives right now take the bull by the horns and get yourself tested anyway. That way you'll know for sure that it isn't you that is the problem and that's assuming there even IS a physical problem with one of you. It'll be one less thing for him to use in an argument.

Is he being jerky and passive aggressive. Yeah, but I am tending to think that it is as he says that it just came to him. I mean his only proof is that neither of his exes got pregnant. I mean there's a pretty high chance one of them was on BC unless he was actively trying to have kids with both of them. Which I highly doubt. So he mentioned something off the cuff and completely underestimated your reaction and now he's feeling pressure that he didn't anticipate. Now anything he says is going to be filtered, in his mind, through your dissapproval and he's reacting and being defensive to your dissapointment in him rather than the ROOT of your dissapointment... if that makes any sense.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

OH, you are the same woman whose husband wants to go but then stays...

Hm...

Yea. This doesn't sound good.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

His exes weren't on birth control and they had been actively trying to conceive. He and I have been trying for almost a year. If he had never said anything then I would be wondering but not stressing over it. I'd think that it would just take time. Like I said, no rush. But I understand what you are saying. He can't seem to understand the reason behind my hurt and disappointment.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

that_girl said:


> OH, you are the same woman whose husband wants to go but then stays...
> 
> Hm...
> 
> Yea. This doesn't sound good.


Yes, that's me. This man is causing me a bunch of grief. It's gotten to the point where I could barely think and work and ended up being put on anti depressants.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

SepticChange said:


> He can't seem to understand the reason behind my hurt and disappointment.


He isn't stupid. He understands perfectly well. 

Demonstrating a lack of empathy is a manipulative tactic, exceeded in cruelty only by making you feel guilty about this yourself. 

I don't know what the other issues are, but grinding you down to the point of barely being able to think or work is classic abusive manipulator behavior.

When you have been worn out to exhaustion you give in to their tactics because they have broken you down. They have no conscience, so nothing bothers them and it doesn't wear on them like it does on you.

I wouldn't bother with a test. I would get in a life raft and row to safety.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He puts off testing because he doesn't want to do it.

He doesn't want a child because he's not sure he wants to stick around.

It's all making sense.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You were married July 2011.
You joined TAM August 2011.
Your biography states: "I married a guy I met online less than a year after knowing him. Go ahead and judge me. "Young and stupid" yeah I heard it all..."
Less than 3 months into the marriage, you were getting 'The Silent Treatment'.
From the onset you had sexual concerns.
At the 1-year wedding anniversary, you wanted to know how much marital counseling cost.
At the 13-month mark, your husband was threatening to leave.
Several months ago (around the 17-month mark), you say he admitted that he LIED to you about his ability to have children.
You're currently at the 20-month mark, and during a good portion of this, you two WEREN'T EVEN LIVING TOGETHER because you're in the Armed Forces!
*It seems obvious from your question that YOU believe you are wasting your time.* 

*Are you getting enough POSITIVES out of this marriage, or are you reluctant to admit this marriage was a mistake?*

Have you two worked out the PREVIOUSLY stated problems on your own? With counseling? Rug-swept them and hoped they'd go away in time?

I would recommend that you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Who's Pulling Your Strings" by Harriet B. Braiker. Read the books, do the work at the end of EVERY chapter in "Codependent No More" and see if YOU have a clearer vision for your lives and your marriage after reading those books!

Best wishes to you both, and thank you for serving!


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

SepticChange said:


> His exes weren't on birth control and they had been actively trying to conceive. He and I have been trying for almost a year. If he had never said anything then I would be wondering but not stressing over it. I'd think that it would just take time. Like I said, no rush. But I understand what you are saying. He can't seem to understand the reason behind my hurt and disappointment.


There does come a time where his need to understand where you are coming from to be able to change his attitude is just alot of hot air. You are hurt. That's all there is to it. His understanding WHY you feel the way you do is _not necessary_. You have point blank told him what he needs to do to reassure you and he's not doing it. 

At this point do you think a baby would bring you any closer or just create more problems?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Septic:

Do you want to have a baby WITH THIS MAN? OR

Do you just want to have a baby?


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your input, I appreciate it!

I don't think a child would bring us closer at all. If we don't have one at all within the next year or two I wouldn't care. It's just the fact that when I'm ready, we may be trying for no reason is what's bothering me. I want to have a child with him. It may seem like I'm just looking to have a child by anyone but the reason why I'm still holding on to hope is because I want one with him. Otherwise I would have ended it months ago and been on the prowl for someone new.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

SepticChange said:


> Thanks everyone for your input, I appreciate it!
> 
> I don't think a child would bring us closer at all. If we don't have one at all within the next year or two I wouldn't care. It's just the fact that when I'm ready, we may be trying for no reason is what's bothering me. I want to have a child with him. It may seem like I'm just looking to have a child by anyone but the reason why I'm still holding on to hope is because I want one with him. Otherwise I would have ended it months ago and been on the prowl for someone new.


This makes no sense. If you'd have ended months ago and gone on the prowl, then it's about having a baby and NOT about him being THE ONE. 

Which means you're willing to have a child knowing full well that you cannot give it the best home environment. 

I'm truly not trying to be judgmental, but I think you have a ton to learn about marriage and how to be a good partner before you even start to consider bringing a child into the world. 

I understand what everyone's saying about feeling deceived, but I don't know that he deceived you. What I do know is that you said for better or worse, and you have a duty to put him above all others - including an unborn child, and make him as important as you in your life. He has the same duty, and he's falling on his face in this, too. He needs to go get the dang workup!


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Maybe I didn't make it clear enough but that was my point. It's not about just having a baby...I want one with him.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

And also I don't need one now. We have lots to work on.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> It's not about just having a baby...I want one with him.


What qualities do you see in your husband that you think will make him a good father? Are there other reasons you specifically want to have a child with him? 

I'm asking, because it doesn't sound to me, from what you are posting, that you feel that secure with him as a marriage partner. However, that is only my conclusion; I could be wrong.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> What qualities do you see in your husband that you think will make him a good father? Are there other reasons you specifically want to have a child with him?
> 
> I'm asking, because it doesn't sound to me, from what you are posting, that you feel that secure with him as a marriage partner. However, that is only my conclusion; I could be wrong.


I think he will make a good father because I have seen with him kids. The way he cares for his nieces. And even before we discussed marriage he made it clear that he wanted to be a parent and we spoke about what type of parents we would be and we agreed on our values. Of course I haven't mentioned the positives about him because it isn't a issue. Perhaps I should. I apologize if I make it seem like I sit at home all day and mope while he's enjoying emotionally torturing me. I'm still around because I did say "for better or for worse" (within reason of course) and because he has many good qualities and most I haven't found in partners before him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He doesn't seem like he'd make a good father.

He threatens to leave you often.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Or just fails as a husband. Do they go hand in hand?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SepticChange said:


> Or just fails as a husband. Do they go hand in hand?


Some lousy husbands make good fathers, it's true. But do you really want to be in that situation? And looking at possibly being a single parent down the road? Co-parenting with someone who could make that difficult for you?


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Openminded said:


> Some lousy husbands make good fathers, it's true. But do you really want to be in that situation? And looking at possibly being a single parent down the road? Co-parenting with someone who could make that difficult for you?


I most definitely do not want to end up in that situation which is why I'm trying to save things now. I believe things can turn around but having been trying less than a year, is that too much? Or not enough time? I do realize that it is my call but hopefully getting advice from third parties who have more experience with the ups and downs of marriage can help. I've spoken to close friends and of course being unmarried females in their mid twenties, their advice was "just leave him." Not what I need to hear because it doesn't work that way.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Yes, it works exactly that way when there's a basic incompatibility. It sounds as if you guys have a few major incompatibilities. I'm still not getting the vibe that he's the perfect guy for you and you'll accept him as he is for the rest of your life, which is what must happen for your marriage to work.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

We do have some incompatibilities but like mentioned before, some can be turned around. If we weren't compatible at all then I obviously wouldn't be with him.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I'm not looking for someone to solve my problems, I understand but from what I'm seeing I should just give up and leave?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SepticChange said:


> I most definitely do not want to end up in that situation which is why I'm trying to save things now. I believe things can turn around but having been trying less than a year, is that too much? Or not enough time? I do realize that it is my call but hopefully getting advice from third parties who have more experience with the ups and downs of marriage can help. I've spoken to close friends and of course being unmarried females in their mid twenties, their advice was "just leave him." Not what I need to hear because it doesn't work that way.


I'll give you the short version of my story. I married very young and now I'm getting a divorce after 45 years. Why? Because he cheated twice. The first time, 30 years ago, I let it go because I had a child to think about. The second time was a few years ago. And I finally decided to get out. 

Yes, we had some serious compatibility issues from the very beginning. And I ignored them because I felt I absolutely could make my marriage work and I tried hard. I forgot it takes two people to do that.

Do I regret not getting out a very long time ago? Absolutely. Because you can't get those years back.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Openminded, it reminds me of my parents. Neither cheated, but talk about major incompatibility. They ended it after 22 years when my mother decided she had enough. Of course cultural traditions had to do with the reason why she held on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SepticChange said:


> Openminded, it reminds me of my parents. Neither cheated, but talk about major incompatibility. They ended it after 22 years when my mother decided she had enough. Of course cultural traditions had to do with the reason why she held on.


Yes, it can be very difficult to let go. And when you are very young, as I was, you think things can be overcome. Very often they can. But it takes two. Not just one.

When I got married, I didn't know anyone who was divorced. Now, I am the last to get divorced of all my friends and extended family who married around the time I did.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

It's quite confusing about knowing whether to hold on or not. Many are criticizing younger generations for deciding to file divorce papers too quickly, yet some are reluctant to do so and are called out on it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

SepticChange said:


> I'm not looking for someone to solve my problems, I understand but from what I'm seeing I should just give up and leave?


Here's the thing... 

You've got a mindset that says, "Things can be turned around." "This can change." "I want him but only if he meets the conditions I have for a child." "I would have left a long time ago, but I want to have a baby with him." 

This mindset isn't going to help you resolve the problems you have. If you're not compatible in one important way, you can maybe struggle through it. In two major areas... probably not. 

Your own mind is trying to stand on two sides of the issues and it's not working very well for you. You have to decide what is MOST important to you - your "right" to have a child or your relationship with your husband. If you can't do that, then nothing else matters.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SepticChange said:


> It's quite confusing about knowing whether to hold on or not. Many are criticizing younger generations for deciding to file divorce papers too quickly, yet some are reluctant to do so and are called out on it.


The problem is that there are rarely easy answers. I certainly never thought I would be getting a divorce after 45 years of marriage.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> Here's the thing...
> 
> You've got a mindset that says, "Things can be turned around." "This can change." "I want him but only if he meets the conditions I have for a child." "I would have left a long time ago, but I want to have a baby with him."
> 
> ...


It appears that you're making it seem like I'm using him to have a child....? I'm not still with him because I want one.

I suppose currently my relationship with him is what I'm more focused on. I can't go back and undo what he said and did but I can attempt to work on how we communicate in the future so prevent any surprises and potentially hurt feelings. Once we get through that hurdle we can then focus on what can be done with the child situation. That can change his attitude about getting tested and then we go from there.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

It seems that it boils own to two issues:


1	Your husband led you to believe that you were going to have children with him until after you were married then told you that he thinks that he cannot have children. In short that is manipulation and not being up front with you.


2	You are willing to adopt and he is not


As to the first issue that is a very poor way to start off a marriage. If he is willing manipulate you on this very important issue then I would wonder about his trust worthiness and the consideration he has for you.

As to the second issue, he is not willing to adopt or even get tested to see if having a child has a good chance or not.

*If he is going to put excuses and roadblocks up for every solution you have regarding children, then I would give him an ultimatum*. That ultimatum would be that he does everything he can to see if you two can have children like he talked about before marriage or that he agree to adopt.

If he refuses then you will have to decide if you are willing to have him without children or have a child without him In these issues it really does just boil down to him or children. If you are going to decide to choose him in the end then I would suggest that you stop bring up the subject and accept his decision. If you are willing to have children without him then get busy and make your plans.

*No matter which way you choose you need to choose. Staying in the middle and becoming bitter and resentful is the worst choice for all.*


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

You're right Mr Blunt. I do need to make a choice. I didn't realize it would be this difficult and I don't want to end up regretting whichever decision I make so I'm trying to counsel myself and with advice of others to help me think straight.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

SepticChange said:


> It appears that you're making it seem like I'm using him to have a child....? I'm not still with him because I want one.
> 
> I suppose currently my relationship with him is what I'm more focused on. I can't go back and undo what he said and did but I can attempt to work on how we communicate in the future so prevent any surprises and potentially hurt feelings. Once we get through that hurdle we can then focus on what can be done with the child situation. That can change his attitude about getting tested and then we go from there.


You and I are speaking different languages, I think, and I don't know how to say what I'm hoping to show you. 

You said you "suppose currently" that your relationship is what you're "more" focused on. So this implies that in the past, or at some time in the future, the relationship is NOT what you'll focus on. 

Sometimes people "change their goal posts" a lot, and I think you are doing that... to yourself AND to him. 

When you learn how not to do that, your relationship will have a better chance of succeeding, because when you are back and forth, undecided, you're not able to communicate clearly or to understand clearly. 

You said that it seems like I'm saying you are "using him to have a child." That isn't what I'm trying to say. I am trying to say that when you took your vows for better or worse, you made a pledge that you'd stand by him even if your worst came true, but you're waffling on that... maybe you won't if you can't have a child with him. And if you can have a child with him, then that's what you want to do even if you know the relationship won't work. You're really cluttering your mind up a lot with stuff that isn't and should not be important until your priorities are solid.


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