# am I being unfair?



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

I have two cats and have recently adopted a pup which my girlfriend is also attached to and sees as her own as we chose him together. We do not live together but plan to in the next couple of years. We have plans for the future including renovating a small place she has purchased an hour away from where she is living. It will involve staying there on the weekends and renovating slowly. We will be staying there from Friday to sunday etc. We are finally making a move to an area we both love. She also stays with me a few days during the week when she doesn't have her child. She does 50/50 custody.

Her cat passed away recently. Having a cat for her meant that she couldn't stay at my place for more than a night as she had to get home to it. She has brought up taking on a friend's cat who no longer wants it. She misses having a cat. I can understand that. I have told her though that I don't want to live in a house with 3 cats and a dog, especially as the place is very small. She really encouraged me to get the dog as she really wanted us to get one together. I don't regret the pup as it works well for me but her wanting to add a cat in the mix will be a deal breaker when we move in together. It will also restrict her weekends in her new place and also staying with me. Am I being unfair? I do not want 3 cats in my future.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I’m a suspicious kinda guy and there’s a few red flags in this story. 
In your previous thread you started off by saying that you were going to buy a place with your girlfriend but now it’s turned out that she bought a place herself which she expects you to spend your weekends together renovating, you get to spend your time working on a property that you have no financial interest in. 
You couldn’t previously get her to commit to a full weekend together but now that she needs help it’s okay. 
Her having a cat was her reason for not spending time during the week with you. Now that her cat has passed she doesn’t have that excuse but now she’s talking about getting another cat which will probably mean she can’t stay overnight at all until the cat gets older and used to be on its own. 
It seems like she’s going out of her way to not see you and you need to have a serious conversation about this. Does she resent your kid/kids by any chance?
By the way did she ever mow the lawn for you?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> I’m a suspicious kinda guy and there’s a few red flags in this story.
> In your previous thread you started off by saying that you were going to buy a place with your girlfriend but now it’s turned out that she bought a place herself which she expects you to spend your weekends together renovating, you get to spend your time working on a property that you have no financial interest in.
> You couldn’t previously get her to commit to a full weekend together but now that she needs help it’s okay.
> Her having a cat was her reason for not spending time during the week with you. Now that her cat has passed she doesn’t have that excuse but now she’s talking about getting another cat which will probably mean she can’t stay overnight at all until the cat gets older and used to be on its own.
> ...


I'm kind of a suspicious person as well... so good to have your perspective.

We had a serious chat about buying a property together. She was all for it but I was not as comfortable as I would like to be so I broke down the issue it's what our needs were. She wanted to buy property, I didn't need to but we bothy wanted to move to the same area together. We both are not ready to move there due to kids. So she has gone and bought a place that we both love but she is buying it on her own. When I am ready I will then pay my half of the purchase price after I sell my place. This will be in a couple of years. Quietly I don't want to financially tie us together yet. 

The renovation is and will be only more fun things like painting. Something to do together on odd weekend but staying there will be about joining the community and having a place that is ours.

The cat is fully grown not a kitten.

She doesn't have any issue with my child nor me with hers. I think the need to spend some time apart is that she is a pretty big introvert and needs time alone. It did cross my mind that having a cat is maybe subconsciously and avoidance of being here more. The place has a 90 day settlement so I don't know how that will look yet.

No she did not mow the lawn, but she did other things. I think she was trying to present herself as a handy around the house kind of person but the reality is that it's me that is more sleeves up and get into it. I love her so I have accepted it.

So Andy 1001 am I being unfair about the cat?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you have two cats what real difference does having one more make?
How long have you both been dating? You are talking about moving in together in a couple of years which seems a long way off. 
Ate you intentending to live in the new place she has bought?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

m.t.t said:


> I'm kind of a suspicious person as well... so good to have your perspective.
> 
> We had a serious chat about buying a property together. She was all for it but I was not as comfortable as I would like to be so I broke down the issue it's what our needs were. She wanted to buy property, I didn't need to but we bothy wanted to move to the same area together. We both are not ready to move there due to kids. So she has gone and bought a place that we both love but she is buying it on her own. When I am ready I will then pay my half of the purchase price after I sell my place. This will be in a couple of years. Quietly I don't want to financially tie us together yet.
> 
> ...


If adding a third cat to your situation is a deal breaker then I think you subconsciously don’t really want to make the move.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> If you have two cats what real difference does having one more make?
> How long have you both been dating? You are talking about moving in together in a couple of years which seems a long way off.
> Ate you intentending to live in the new place she has bought?


Overcrowding and cat litter. My two also hate other cats so there will be lots of territorial fighting for a long time. Also I don't want a huge house hold of animals when the place small. It is a long time until it happens but I feel strongly about it. My reply to Andy explains it but yes i will be and I will be buying in.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> If adding a third cat to your situation is a deal breaker then I think you subconsciously don’t really want to make the move.


I don't think so. I just don't want to live with a male cat that another family has had issues with. maybe I just want to live the way I want to live at my age. I think I sound selfish.


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## Chaotic_Aquarian (Feb 8, 2021)

I don't think you're being selfish at all. I have owned multiple cats for many years and if you end up with cats that don't get along or have litter box issues it's a disaster.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Chaotic_Aquarian said:


> I don't think you're being selfish at all. I have owned multiple cats for many years and if you end up with cats that don't get along or have litter box issues it's a disaster.


This...especially the males. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How long have you been dating?When are you going to live together? If it's another 2 years then she may like the company of a cat now.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

One of the benefits of cats is how independent they are. Unless there are medical conditions, there is no reason a cat can't be left alone for a weekend. I have two cats and they are left alone Friday to Monday pretty much all summer, and any time we have a weekend away. My family has to attend a wedding and I arranged boarding for our dog, but the cats aren't even a thought really. 

My cats use automatic litter boxes (Litter Robot) that clean themselves every single time they are used. Aside from that all they need is enough food and their water fountain refilled. 

Bringing another adult cat into the mix can be a bad idea though. Cats tend not to get along with other adult cats and you can have many issues with fighting, destructive behaviors, and litter box issues.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i do not blame you.
nobody wants to be dating the cat lady. tell her no! stick to it.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> It seems like she’s going out of her way to not see you


I forget what it was called, but my kids used to watch a TV show in which a robotic voice would say "...WARNING....WARNING...."

do not tie yourself to her financially in any way unless it is through legal marriage. You will be SCREWED. Your relationship is very shaky at this point. Blended families with both children and pets are RISKY. I strongly advise you to not "buy in".



Talker67 said:


> nobody wants to be dating the cat lady


Tell me, tell me. I married her with a dog and two cats. That was the utter outer limits of my comfort zone. It's now 9 cats and a dog inside, and about 6 more outside.
I want to scream. Thankfully, she's a clean person and doesn't allow the stench. But, every time she goes galavanting off with her family and her girlfriends, I get stuck feeding and scooping.....while gnashing my teeth. 

Don't do this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> i do not blame you.
> nobody wants to be dating the cat lady. tell her no! stick to it.


He has 2 cats so how is it her who is the cat person?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> He has 2 cats so how is it her who is the cat person?


good point. 
I guess what i was trying to say, she can not stay the night because she had a cat to take care off.
FINALLY that impediment is over. But wait! She is getting another cat right away??? 

Cat Woman. she prefers the cat to him


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> good point.
> I guess what i was trying to say, she can not stay the night because she had a cat to take care off.
> FINALLY that impediment is over. But wait! She is getting another cat right away???
> 
> Cat Woman. she prefers the cat to him


OP is female.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

TJW said:


> I forget what it was called, but my kids used to watch a TV show in which a robotic voice would say "...WARNING....WARNING...."


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Talker67 said:


> i do not blame you.
> nobody wants to be dating the cat lady. tell her no! stick to it.


But she's already a two cat owning lady!

Presently you two aren't living together so my bet is she is going to get the cat regardless of what you say. Why should she live petless for the next two years why you get to enjoy your herd? 

Get over it or find another girlfriend.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

m.t.t said:


> Overcrowding and cat litter.* My two also hate other cats so there will be lots of territorial fighting for a long time.* Also I don't want a huge house hold of animals when the place small. It is a long time until it happens but I feel strongly about it. My reply to Andy explains it but yes i will be and I will be buying in.


I love cats...


Cats fight.
Cats often often spray to mark their territory. If they do this in your house, um, just ugh.

Cats must be (and remain) housebroken for them to live in a human's house.
Stressed cats, predictably do bad things.

With three cats that becomes a smelly problem. It would require changing the litter boxes out daily, or living with that odor.
Cats are meat eaters, so their poop does stink. With a small house it will be hard to escape the odor.
If you have a basement that would help.

They can fend well by themselves, if they have food and water and (at least two) litter boxes.

I get why people who live alone gather up pets.
Yes, there should be a limit.

That said, humans have a way of needlessly complicating their lives,

I won't comment further, I have no interest in offending anyone.



_Are Dee-_


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

bobert said:


> OP is female.


kind of irrelevant.

they should be more interested in their relationship, than adding more stress to it with additional cats. 

OP should dump her


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

m.t.t said:


> I have two cats and have recently adopted a pup which my girlfriend is also attached to and sees as her own as we chose him together. We do not live together but plan to in the next couple of years. We have plans for the future including renovating a small place she has purchased an hour away from where she is living. It will involve staying there on the weekends and renovating slowly. We will be staying there from Friday to sunday etc. We are finally making a move to an area we both love. She also stays with me a few days during the week when she doesn't have her child. She does 50/50 custody.
> 
> Her cat passed away recently. Having a cat for her meant that she couldn't stay at my place for more than a night as she had to get home to it. She has brought up taking on a friend's cat who no longer wants it. She misses having a cat. I can understand that. I have told her though that I don't want to live in a house with 3 cats and a dog, especially as the place is very small. She really encouraged me to get the dog as she really wanted us to get one together. I don't regret the pup as it works well for me but her wanting to add a cat in the mix will be a deal breaker when we move in together. It will also restrict her weekends in her new place and also staying with me. Am I being unfair? I do not want 3 cats in my future.


So you have 2 cats and a dog but you dont' want her to have a cat? Wow yes you are being selfish.

Secondly having a cat shouldn't stop her from staying over. I have left my cats for 2 weeks at a times they are very independent creatures. Train the new cat to dry food, leave plenty of food and water out. 1 day or two won't matter but if it is more than that get disposable trays like cut down cardboard boxes (free) or aluminum turkey roasting pans and fill with extra cat litter. Kitty will be just fine.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

bobert said:


> OP is female.


The mothering instinct is strong.

Need I say more?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Stick to your guns and say no. Also, her story doesn't add up. You can leave a cat alone for several days, even a week.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> OP should dump her


This. I think he'd be doing her a favor. 

I would never move in with someone that wanted me to take on all the financial risk but would then maybe "buy in" later when it's all good. I wouldn't let someone control what I do in my own home in the mean time either (like get a pet).

Nope, doesn't sound like a good fit at all.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

How about you give her one of your cats?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> How about you give her one of your cats?


Or the dog, that you both consider joint?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

bobert said:


> Or the dog, that you both consider joint?


The dog is joint. we both put in to purchase him. He is a great dog but just a puppy. I suggested that he go with her for a few nights and she said that she will take him when I'm feeling like I need a break. She said I'm much better equipped. She really pushed to get a puppy, she really wanted to get a dog together. i would have prefered an older dog, She wanted the puppy experience but i seem to be doing all of the work. When she was working from my place the other day she had the pup and I ducked out. I came back in and all I could smell was dog poo. She has let him wonder off into the next room and he messed. She didn't notice the smell or that he had left or that I was cleaning it up. 

After another sleepless night, with her telling everyone that she has a puppy but even when she is here she is letting me do all of the work I'm thinking of dropping the pup to her.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

m.t.t said:


> The dog is joint. we both put in to purchase him. He is a great dog but just a puppy. I suggested that he go with her for a few nights and she said that she will take him when I'm feeling like I need a break. She said I'm much better equipped. She really pushed to get a puppy, she really wanted to get a dog together. i would have prefered an older dog, She wanted the puppy experience but i seem to be doing all of the work. When she was working from my place the other day she had the pup and I ducked out. I came back in and all I could smell was dog poo. She has let him wonder off into the next room and he messed. She didn't notice the smell or that he had left or that I was cleaning it up.
> 
> After another sleepless night, with her telling everyone that she has a puppy but even when she is here she is letting me do all of the work I'm thinking of dropping the pup to her.


Another red flag. She wants a puppy, but doesn't want to do any of the work.

If you are planning on staying with her and therefore having the dog in your life, I'd recommend against dropping the pup off on her doorstep. I'd want to do it too, but she will probably have no clue how to raise a well-behaved dog. Training, socialization, and environment are so important. You don't want to end up living with a nightmare dog for the next decade...


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

theloveofmylife said:


> This. I think he'd be doing her a favor.
> 
> I would never move in with someone that wanted me to take on all the financial risk but would then maybe "buy in" later when it's all good. I wouldn't let someone control what I do in my own home in the mean time either (like get a pet).
> 
> Nope, doesn't sound like a good fit at all.


She is buying a house because she no longer owns and he is really wanting to own property again.. I own my place and I can't sell yet as my child is still going to school so I'm not ready.the area is where my daughter can't go to her school. I can't chip in without selling. We have known one another for less than a year. So they house is hers for her. She can get a cat of course she can. But i told her that I will not want to move in when its time and have 3 cats. I'm not into crazy messy households with animals everywhere. Just getting the new pup settled in with my two cats is proving difficult enough, i can't imagine an older male cat and how that would go. i wanted to be upfront with her, i don't want to live like that.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

m.t.t said:


> After another sleepless night, with her telling everyone that she has a puppy but even when she is here *she is letting me* do all of the work I'm thinking of dropping the pup to her.


No - you are choosing! 

She is being manipulative, and you are allowing it.

Be brave, and speak up for yourself and what you want. This is not a healthy relationship. 😔


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

bobert said:


> Another red flag. She wants a puppy, but doesn't want to do any of the work.
> 
> If you are planning on staying with her and therefore having the dog in your life, I'd recommend against dropping the pup off on her doorstep. I'd want to do it too, but she will probably have no clue how to raise a well-behaved dog. Training, socialization, and environment are so important. You don't want to end up living with a nightmare dog for the next decade...


I thought of this too, just before we picked her up she said she has liked it in the past when partners have had dogs as its all the fun without the responsibility. I should have just turned around and said no. I know how much work was involved in having a puppy.

She wants the puppy in the bed as it's easier. I said no i want it crate trained, that it will be here most of the time and having a well trained dog is important. She agrees but then doesnt keep an eye on it. I really don't want it to wee all over the house she doesn't seem to understand that you need. strict routine and watch it. I'm exhausted tbh. I think that's why when she brought up getting another animal I'm just thinking NO! She has even suggested that she can bring the cat with her when she stays as her friend does this with her cat when she stays at her partners.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

minimalME said:


> No - you are choosing!
> 
> She is being manipulative, and you are allowing it.
> 
> Be brave, and speak up for yourself and what you want. This is not a healthy relationship. 😔


I feel like having her here with the puppy is more distracting than helpful. I feel like to get through the early puppy stage I need either help or no distractions .It's really hard to work full time from home. and have a puppy. She finds my strict routine with the pup a bit over the top. Eg as soon as it wakes up it needs to immediately go outside to wee. She had that job once but then put the pup down for a sec to check her phone and did wee on the rug instead. I saw it unfold, it was just frustrating.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

People take advantage of those who allow it. She wanted a pup but does not want the commitment of house breaking or training. You enable by doing all the heavy lifting but are resenting it.

As we say in Al-Anon: Nothing changes if nothing changes.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

m.t.t said:


> I feel like having her here with the puppy is more distracting than helpful. I feel like to get through the early puppy stage I need either help or no distractions .It's really hard to work full time from home. and have a puppy. She finds my strict routine with the pup a bit over the top. Eg as soon as it wakes up it needs to immediately go outside to wee. She had that job once but then put the pup down for a sec to check her phone and did wee on the rug instead. I saw it unfold, it was just frustrating.


You're completely ignorning what I just wrote. 😳


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> People take advantage of those who allow it. She wanted a pup but does not want the commitment of house breaking or training. You enable by doing all the heavy lifting but resenting it.
> 
> As we say in Al-Anon: Nothing changes if nothing changes.


What would you do?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

minimalME said:


> You're completely ignorning what I just wrote. 😳


what would you do? tell her to take the pup? She offers to help but gets distracted or suggest and easier way like bring it into bed with us.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

What would I do? To begin with, I would assert myself and have boundaries. With that in mind, I wouldn't have purchased a pup, knowing that she'd flake out on her responsibilities. Now that you have one, you're doing all the real work. I assume you know her well enough to realize she probably wouldn't pull her fair share of the weight. Time to ask why you are basically in the role of resentful doormat. Again. Something to consider ....


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

m.t.t said:


> what would you do? tell her to take the pup?


I would not be manipulated into raising someone else's fantasy animal. 

If you genuinely, truly don't want to raise and keep a dog for decades, then don't.

If it were me, I'd offer her a choice - you take the dog, or I'll find it a new home.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> What would I do? To begin with, I would assert myself and have boundaries. With that in mind, I wouldn't have purchased a pup, knowing that she'd flake out on her responsibilities. Now that you have one, you're doing all the real work. I assume you know her well enough to realize she probably wouldn't pull her fair share of the weight. Time to ask why you are basically in the role of resentful doormat. Again. Something to consider ....


you are right. I just didn't think it would feel this hard. A big driving force was her wanting us to do it together. But I got to see that she is inattentive and doesn't think ahead.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

minimalME said:


> I would not be manipulated into raising someone else's fantasy animal.
> 
> If you genuinely, truly don't want to raise and keep a dog for decades, then don't.
> 
> If it were me, I'd offer her a choice - you take the dog, or I'll find it a new home.


You are right it is a fantasy to her. I know it will be a great dog, it's already a pretty easy puppy. it's the difficulty of watching it around the cats as it like to chase them, the several time sa night getting up and last night the poop accident in the crate. I guess I was manipulated into getting it. When we talk about things it sounds great. But just like the lawn mowing there i often less follow through than expected. The thing with the 3rd cat is that she really doesn't consider things. I wanted to be clear with her in how I want to live.

maybe I do need to say you are pet free, you can take it. you don't need a cat you have a dog.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'll just throw this out there as something you may want to consider ... Maybe you should step back from relationships for the time being. I believe I suggested this when you posted about your previous one. Just a year in, and you're having distress. You claim the "driving force" was her wanting you to go in together on raising a pup. What I hear you saying is she wanted it, so you gave in. And my guess is you had your doubts about this from the get-go.

Again, people will only take advantage of us if we allow it.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> I'll just throw this out there as something you may want to consider ... Maybe you should step back from relationships for the time being. I believe I suggested this when you posted about your previous one. Just a year in, and you're having distress. You claim the "driving force" was her wanting you to go in together on raising a pup. What I hear you saying is she wanted it, so you gave in. And my guess is you had your doubts about this from the get-go.
> 
> Again, people will only take advantage of us if we allow it.


Because I knew that you were right, you were also right about my ex husband from memory I decided call a support counsellor to talk through what you said. Not the should she get a cat and am I being selfish which I now realize was just something that was not really the issue. The issue is she has no follow through and she walks away from her responsibilities. Her promises are mostly empty, she mislead me about what she was capable of, she overestimates what she can manage so she pulls out of plans that we have. I'm far from perfect. The question is, why isn't she here helping with me with the new pup that we bought together when she is child free all week. She wants us to share a house but she isn't here for this. I feel feel really sad and disappointed.

The support counselor questioned why she is defensive around talking about her finances and why she talks about combining ours so soon in the relationship. My gut tells me it's not her wanting to take care of me.


*Again, people will only take advantage of us if we allow it. *
yes, But it's also hard for me to work out what is fair.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are a giver and you attract people who are not. It was obvious from the beginning with the previous person and it also was obvious with her. She doesn’t want to take care of you but she does want you to take care of her. What you should do is back away and spend some time figuring out how to avoid people who aren’t good for you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

m.t.t said:


> what would you do? tell her to take the pup? She offers to help but gets distracted or suggest and easier way like bring it into bed with us.


She’s too careless to deal with a dog. I would rehome it if you feel it’s too much for you but I would not trust her with it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Move in with her. I figure a month and you’ll be cured. User she is.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You always seem to feel you’re being unfair when the truth is you are going overboard to be fair to them when they’re not being fair to you.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

had a conversation where I told her I felt confused as to what her plans were as she told me that she will be coming over this week. She said she will be helping with the pup for several days, but now it's looking like Friday night. I said I would have liked to have known what her plans were as they include me. She said she got busy with work deadlines etc. I said that's fine but it would be good to know what you are planning when you say you will be coming over sometime during the week , later in the week etc. She got upset and said that she feels like she can never do anything right, she is always failing etc. I said no that's not the case, that's not what I'm saying but I really need to know what's going on I need you to communicate what's happening, what your plans are. She said sorry that is for too much communication for her.

I also said that when you told me yesterday that you are thinking of making me my favourite meal and coming to sleep for a few days and taking over the pup work, it made it sound like you were coming over that night do do that. She said I meant soon. Someday soon.

She wasn't happy and ask me if I would prefer it is we spent the weekend apart as i was upset with her. I wasn't, but she was going on and on about how it seems like she is the bad person and this is all her fault that I'm saying she isn't a good person that she can't communicate.

I decided last night I either have to return the pup to the breeder or she is just really my dog.

It doesn't matter what she does about the cat, i realize that I'm taking her at her word that she wants to spend as much time with me as she can and that she misses being with me, but the reality is different. We are far from living together. I feel like the dog was a tie, to keep me. I did ask if she would take him for a day or two and she said yes but wont you really miss him? I see this as manipulation.

A lot of this is pointless to add but it helps to read back sometimes. I don't think she is not capable of meeting what I need in a relationship. I seem to be doing all the compromising and heavy lifting and support or her needs.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She is very good at manipulating you and has been from the beginning. And you keep letting her. You need to ask yourself why you end up with dysfunctional people.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

m.t.t said:


> I don't think she is not capable of meeting what I need in a relationship. I seem to be doing all the compromising and heavy lifting and support or her needs.


Lather, rinse, repeat. This is the type of relationship in which you engage on a consistent basis. I've told you before, and I will tell you again: Stay the hell out of relationships for now. You have issues. Granted, this woman has issues, too. Ever heard the saying, "Water seeks its own level"? When people have lots of unresolved issues, they attract and end up with the same sort of people.

You need to work on you first. When you gain the confidence to realize your feelings are okay and you are okay stating your preferences - and having them respected, too - then you will partner with people of like minds.

In the meantime, this relationship is too much work, too much angst, and too much irritation. 

Oh, yeah .... and she's a manipulator as well.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Her words have never lined up with her actions. You keep excusing it so she keeps doing it.

The dog would be better off returned to the breeder.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Openminded said:


> She is very good at manipulating you and has been from the beginning. And you keep letting her. You need to ask yourself why you end up with dysfunctional people.


 Can you tell me in which ways you feel she has manipulated me? Apart from the one I pointed out with the dog?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> Lather, rinse, repeat. This is the type of relationship in which you engage on a consistent basis. I've told you before, and I will tell you again: Stay the hell out of relationships for now. You have issues. Granted, this woman has issues, too. Ever heard the saying, "Water seeks its own level"? When people have lots of unresolved issues, they attract and end up with the same sort of people.
> 
> You need to work on you first. *When you gain the confidence to realize your feelings are okay and you are okay stating your preferences - and having them respected, too *- then you will partner with people of like minds.
> 
> ...


when I do state my needs and preferences I get called ridgid. But yes you are right.

Do you think she knows that she is manipulating me?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Manipulation:

anytime you express any displeasure with her whatsoever, she pretends to be upset and asks if you “need time apart since you’re upset with her”. Using emotional abuse as a weapon. If you say anything she doesn’t like, you get—- let’s not see each other this weekend……. Not the first time she’s used this tactic.


“I’m a bad person, it’s all my fault, blah blah blah”
Using your feelings for her as a means to get you to back down from whatever request you’ve made of her, which apparently anything is too much.

For you to not be able to see this as blatant emotional manipulation tactics is exceptionally odd. Find out why that is.

yes, you really do seem to be seeking out some messed up people and I worry you’re gonna pick one that will physically harm you.
That last wacko transsexual person you dated was a real dangerous person.

You are trying to communicate with a person that is solely in a relationship with you to satisfy HER needs. She doesn’t care about yours. Ask yourself what you got out of that conversation. 
Did she promise to communicate plans better? Nope. Said you expected too much communication from her…. Ha! What???

Did she take the dog and care for it? Nope!
Granted, she just went along with you because you wanted it. Sharing a dog between houses is crazy anyway.

You got nothing but her getting her way. And she’s not introverted Mtt—she just doesn’t dig you all that much. People that are really into someone want to share every second with one another. She’s been keeping you at bay for months.

It’s really strange that you say you love this person when it’s clear to anyone she’s never loved you. She just wants to use you.

Go stay with her for a month and pretend you’re staying for good— if she will let you.
You won’t make it past a week.

find someone who really likes you and doesn’t NEED you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

m.t.t said:


> Can you tell me in which ways you feel she has manipulated me? Apart from the one I pointed out with the dog?


The drama and “poor little me” coming from her whenever she thinks you’re the least bit critical of whatever she’s done is her getting you to back off. And it works — you think you’re the unfair one when in reality it’s her. Manipulation 101.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

m.t.t said:


> when I do state my needs and preferences I get called ridgid. But yes you are right.
> 
> Do you think she knows that she is manipulating me?


As consistent as she is with it? Yeah, she knows.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Did she take the dog and care for it? Nope!
> Granted, she just went along with you because you wanted it. Sharing a dog between houses is crazy anyway.


just to clarify, and I think it's actually worse, we got a pup because she kept suggesting it. She kept sending me photos. saying things like lets get a dog together, it would be great we can go halves, I'll help you take care of it, we can take it away with us etc. I would have adopted an older dog, She wanted to have a puppy because she wanted to experience having puppy. One thing that she kept bring up which I didn't feel comfortable with is a joint bank acc for the pup that we both paid into for food etc. I said No. I feel like the pup was a commitment tool for her.

I asked her about it yesterday and said that she paid half so I think it's only fair she gets to know the pup just as well. She said that no it's ok, I'm better at, more equipped etc and that she paid half because the pup will be living with us when we move in together in a few years. She said she will see the pup when she is at my place. She told me that now that she doesn't have a cat she is free to stay on her kid free weeks. I will also bring it to hers etc. She hasn't even bought a dog bowl yet. I'm an idiot.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You think the best of people. Sometimes that can burn you. 

She will continue to use you as long as you let her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s not the one “experiencing” the puppy — and all the work that goes with that — so pay her whatever part she contributed and then it’s yours. I would return it and get an older dog. Again, that’s completely yours. Or no dog at all if that wasn’t something you would have done without her pushing it.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

omg I'm codependent. Still


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

m.t.t said:


> omg I'm codependent. Still


Only you can — permanently — fix that.

I think taking a long break from relationships would help.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Anytime someone says “I’ll help YOU take care of it, what they really mean is that they’ll enjoy playing with it unless it poops or pees and then it’s your dog…. Otherwise they’d say WE can take care of it together, and still it winds up being 90/10.

joint acct to take care of the dog? What?
This lady talks all kinds of crazy and has no intention of doing anything but what’s good for HER.

I agree that you have somehow been programmed to only see the good in people.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

m.t.t said:


> She got upset and said that she feels like she can never do anything right, she is always failing etc. I said no that's not the case, that's not what I'm saying but I really need to know what's going on I need you to communicate what's happening, what your plans are. She said sorry that is for too much communication for her.


To begin with, if she's upset that's fine. But she's manipulating you by making you feel guilty. You let how other people feel dictate your behavior. That's not how it works in healthy adult relationships. Hidden agendas, half truths, and manipulation don't have a place with adults who have their sh!t together.

When you push for an honest adult conversation that requires she communicate clearly and concisely with you, she shuts you down with it being "too much communication." What that means is she's not getting her way and YOU are getting out of line in her mind.

Yes, you are extremely codependent. So you are now seeing how that issue plays out in this relationship. Consider telling her clearly and concisely how you feel about the puppy and anything else you wish to get off your chest. If she goes off on you, that is HERS to own, NOT yours. You need to learn to stand up for what you believe in whether she (or anyone else) likes it or not. People like you, who are uncertain of how to stand up for themselves, end up with people like this over and over and over. This dynamic will not change, no matter who you are with, until YOU - and you alone - make the change. Your life. Your choice.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> If adding a third cat to your situation is a deal breaker then *I think you subconsciously don’t really want to make the move.*





m.t.t said:


> I don't think so. I just don't want to live with a male cat that another family has had issues with. *maybe I just want to live the way I want to live at my age.* I think I sound selfish.


I see these posts as one and the same.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

You identified and feel that she is manipulative. You didn’t feel comfortable with a joint account for dog-related expenses and said no to that (thankfully, and bravo by the way). She claims she doesn’t feel good enough for you yet sort of turns it around on you (and which I suspect could be part of her anxiety/fear/insecurity). I’m scratching my head with my second claw, wondering why you are still involved with her?

If, on your own accord, you decide not to continue with the relationship, please pay out her half of the puppy and in writing (text/email) state you have reimbursed her for her half of dog as he is living with you.

It’s BS that she’s not taking responsibility or getting involved with the dog, by the way. Although it’s also these ‘small’ things that show you what she is about. Including the ‘too much communication’ for her to consider you. That’s not someone reflecting on their own actions and if there might be reasonable adjustments to be made.

You’re concerned about ‘fairness’ whereas I’d challenge you to be grounded in knowing what you want and need. It ain’t about the potential third cat or the puppy. And based on what you shared, I wouldn’t be considering a future with her.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree that you have somehow been programmed to only see the good in people.


I sort of agree… although I perceive @m.t.t as more noticing the unhealthy / not so good aspects yet second-guessing her own assessments at the expense of herself.

Sometimes it’s good to be selfish. You just gotta trust in yourself more and lead with that. Sometimes you’ll make mistakes too; get okay with that.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> You identified and feel that she is manipulative. You didn’t feel comfortable with a joint account for dog-related expenses and said no to that (thankfully, and bravo by the way). She claims she doesn’t feel good enough for you yet sort of turns it around on you (and which I suspect could be part of her anxiety/fear/insecurity). I’m scratching my head with my second claw, wondering why you are still involved with her?
> 
> If, on your own accord, you decide not to continue with the relationship, please pay out her half of the puppy and in writing (text/email) state you have reimbursed her for her half of dog as he is living with you.
> 
> ...


It's really good to hear from you and I appreciate your thoughts. I'm having a really hard time tonight. I'm an anxious mess and can't stop crying. This isn't what I want to be feeling. My biggest thing in this relationship is that she has no follow through. The pup is meant to be ours, but it seems after a week she isn't really considering it. she had booked us in to do a week end class in a couple of weeks a while back. I told her today that I would pull out as she can get a full refund and we can't leave the pup all day over two days. She got upset, angry, said she really want us to do it together I said we have a pup! She ended up hanging up on me. It's as though she didn't count on the pup being restrictive.

I'm sad a tired and wondering if it would be best to return him to the breeder. I love him already but it feels awful and alone. He was expensive I don't really have the extra to give her.The pup is a pure breed and there are dedicated fanatical owners so I know he will get a good home.

What do you make of the joint account for the pup?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

It’s more important that you express what you made of the joint account, rather than seeking my view.

Any chance you can go back to the counsellor that you saw previously?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> It’s more important that you express what you made of the joint account, rather than seeking my view.
> 
> Any chance you can go back to the counsellor that you saw previously?


yes and no. I felt like I had moved on from her.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

m.t.t said:


> It's really good to hear from you and I appreciate your thoughts.


P.S: thank you 😊


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

m.t.t said:


> yes and no. I felt like I had moved on from her.


Then maybe find another counselor because you have more co-dependency work to do. Absolutely give the dog back to the breeder. Dogs are much more limiting as to what you do and where you go than cats are.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What did she think would happen with the dog when you weren’t there — especially with a puppy who needs to go outside frequently? My guess is she figured that you would organize whatever was needed and she would just continue making plans without thought to dog needs. You’re the grownup in this relationship. She’s the spoiled little girl who stamps her feet and pouts whenever she doesn’t get her way. Is that really how you want to live your life?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I share two laid-back cats and two anxious dogs with my family. I have the most time to devote to them so I do the majority of the work. The cats are very independent. The dogs are another story. I think your girlfriend wanted to tell people she owns a <whatever breed> without doing any of the actual work. And it’s definitely work. I’m happy to do whatever it takes to keep our combo dog/cat pack up and running but I’m also at home a lot more than I was before we had two dogs. The cats I could leave. The dogs I try to sure one of us is here with them or they are only left for a very brief time alone if we are all gone. They are a major responsibility. She doesn’t get that and she likely never will.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@m.t.t 

I saw your post about your conversation with her, and I want to take some time to give you an example of what a healthy relationship sounds like. I'm going to pretend that my Beloved Buddhist is you...and I am the "significant other" and EB come to me to say he is confused about what my plans were...



m.t.t said:


> had a conversation where I told her I felt confused as to what her plans were as she told me that she will be coming over this week. She said she will be helping with the pup for several days, but now it's looking like Friday night. I said I would have liked to have known what her plans were as they include me. She said she got busy with work deadlines etc. I said that's fine but it would be good to know what you are planning when you say you will be coming over sometime during the week , later in the week etc. She got upset and said that she feels like she can never do anything right, she is always failing etc. I said no that's not the case, that's not what I'm saying but I really need to know what's going on I need you to communicate what's happening, what your plans are. She said sorry that is for too much communication for her.


So in a healthy relationship where EB and I had mutually decided to purchase ... well anything, first and foremost, we would have done NOTHING until both of us were ENTHUSIASTICALLY both on board. That's our rule. No movement until both parties are "for it" with gusto. 

Next, before the puppy arrived we would have all the supplies wherever they were needed AND have a schedule of who does what duty. Again, this is worked out mutually until both are in agreement with zeal. Thus, there's not surprises about expectations or 'who is doing what'. I know what he expects of me, and he knows what I expect of him. 

So there's a miscommunication of some sort and he comes to me and says that he..._"felt confused as to what my plans were as I told him that I'd be coming over this week. I said I'd be helping with the pup for several days, but now it's looking like Friday night. He said he would have liked to have known what my plans were as they include him."_ (Trying to use your exact words.) The first thing I'd say is "So just to be clear, you are feeling confused because you thought I was coming over all week, and now it sounds like I'm only coming over on Friday. And you thought I was helping with the puppy all week, and I'm not doing what you thought I said. Is that about right?" So a healthy couple might start by checking to be sure they heard each other right. 

Next, I'd address that issue. I wouldn't accuse him or play victim. In real life, he's making a request to know my plans because it does include him as well. That's reasonable! So I'd answer the question without deflecting. I might say, "Oh I'm sorry there's miscommunication. I meant it like 'some time during the week' and you heard it to mean 'all week'. Goodness!" Or I might say, "Oh I am sorry you felt confused. I actually WAS planning to come all week but then work gave me overtime and my plans changed. I guess I didn't communicate the change that well, and yes, I will consider you and inform you when my plans change." 



> I also said that when you told me yesterday that you are thinking of making me my favourite meal and coming to sleep for a few days and taking over the pup work, it made it sound like you were coming over that night do do that. She said I meant soon. Someday soon.


Okay this is verbatim gaslighting, because she's trying to make you doubt what you heard with your own ears. A healthy partner would say something like: "I can see how it would sound like that to you. I guess I meant it more like the thought crossed my mind and I daydreamed about being able to do it even though I can't right now. Next time, I'll actually include what day or time I intend to do it so you can schedule your life too." 

Soon...someday soon...is evasive. What is the pup going to do until then (soon)? Be wild and unfed? Pee and poop all over? See, having a child (oops, I meant puppy) MEANS losing your freedom. That's just a fact. Someone has to give up their time and their energy to attend to the needs of the animal. SHE clearly isn't giving up either, so that means she's expecting to leave it to her underling (aka, you). 



> She wasn't happy and ask me if I would prefer it is we spent the weekend apart as i was upset with her. I wasn't, but she was going on and on about how it seems like she is the bad person and this is all her fault that I'm saying she isn't a good person that she can't communicate.


A healthy person would not threaten time together to get their way. A healthy person would not play the victim. This is an attempt at DARVO: Deny-Attack-Reverse Victim and Offender. She's denying that she is not living up to her commitments, she's attacking YOU for daring to point it out, and she is making YOU the offender while claiming to be victim. See it?

In a healthy relationship, when someone is unhappy, they say "I am not happy about this. In fact, I'm sad. I'm sad that I confused and hurt you, so I'm going to take a little time and figure out how to be a better partner." See how a healthy person holds onto personal responsibility? 



> I decided last night I either have to return the pup to the breeder or she is just really my dog.


Yep. Either return the puppy or pay her the amount of her half and keep the puppy. But whichever you choose, do so because YOU want to...not due to guilt or pressure. 



> It doesn't matter what she does about the cat, i realize that I'm taking her at her word that she wants to spend as much time with me as she can and that she misses being with me, but the reality is different. We are far from living together. I feel like the dog was a tie, to keep me. I did ask if she would take him for a day or two and she said yes but wont you really miss him? I see this as manipulation.


Ah ha! A very specific point! "I'm taking her at her word"--that phrase is KEY. Do you know how to tell if someone is trustworthy (aka "worthy of trust")? Their words and their actions MATCH. When they say they are going to do something, they bend over backwards to be sure to get it done. Come hell or high water, they will do what they said they'd do. In fact, often a person worthy of trust doesn't "say" anything at all--they let their actions do the talking!

So if you looked at her actions, what do her actions say? Thinking back on EB when we were dating, he was honest with me, even at times when it could have been difficult. His actions were consistent: he acted like he cared and was interested. He acted like I was significant to him. Now we all have jobs, etc. and no one can "talk" all the time or any time, but I could tell he looked for time when he'd be free, and when he had free time, he contacted me! He listened. He was thoughtful OF ME (not just himself). He expressed his thoughts and feelings...and expectations and preferences. He didn't expect more of me than he expected of himself. See how those actions say "You are significant"? What do her actions say?



> A lot of this is pointless to add but it helps to read back sometimes. I don't think she is not capable of meeting what I need in a relationship. I seem to be doing all the compromising and heavy lifting and support or her needs.


I would say if she promises one thing and does another...that's a serious red flag. I would say if she can not communicate that her plans which involved you have changed...that's another serious red flag. I would say if you can not have an adult conversation and make a reasonable request for more communication...that's a HUGE red flag. I would say if she is gaslighting you and DARVO-ing you...that is a red flag the size of a football field.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I am wondering if getting a dog was a way of controlling your freedom. She's not with you very much, having a puppy at home can be a lot of work. Now your free time is accounted for, she doesn't have to wonder what you are up to or feel like she needs to spend more time with you......you got to get right home after work for the puppy, got to walk the puppy, got to clean up after the puppy, got take the puppy to the vet, bathe the puppy, etc. 

The more I read your postings the more I think she wants you there as a play thing, not as a 50/50 relationship partner. The puppy kind of put a leash on you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

m.t.t said:


> she had booked us in to do a week end class in a couple of weeks a while back. I told her today that I would pull out as she can get a full refund and we can't leave the pup all day over two days. She got upset, angry, said she really want us to do it together I said we have a pup! She ended up hanging up on me.


I don't think you'd suffer a great loss if you dumped the gf and kept the pup. Sounds to me like you're considering returning this great dog to the breeder for re-homing since your jerk of a gf is getting her panties in a knot that it's inconveniencing her. You have your priorities wrong. JMO


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

m.t.t said:


> I have two cats and have recently adopted a pup which my girlfriend is also attached to and sees as her own as we chose him together. We do not live together but plan to in the next couple of years. We have plans for the future including renovating a small place she has purchased an hour away from where she is living. It will involve staying there on the weekends and renovating slowly. We will be staying there from Friday to sunday etc. We are finally making a move to an area we both love. She also stays with me a few days during the week when she doesn't have her child. She does 50/50 custody.
> 
> Her cat passed away recently. Having a cat for her meant that she couldn't stay at my place for more than a night as she had to get home to it. She has brought up taking on a friend's cat who no longer wants it. She misses having a cat. I can understand that. I have told her though that I don't want to live in a house with 3 cats and a dog, especially as the place is very small. She really encouraged me to get the dog as she really wanted us to get one together. I don't regret the pup as it works well for me but her wanting to add a cat in the mix will be a deal breaker when we move in together. It will also restrict her weekends in her new place and also staying with me. Am I being unfair? I do not want 3 cats in my future.


Do not move in, stop seeing her, you will be 5th wheel to kidss and pets. If you marry her you will always be riding beatch w step kids in tow. Read the tactical guide to women.
Never date or marry or bang a woman with kids or pets


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Your heart will feel wrecked for a while, but it may be time to end this relationship. It's bordering toxic, she sounds manipulative...and while we only see your side of the story, it doesn't sound like a healthy place to be. It also sounds like you're more ready to be in a relationship than she is...like you've become a parental figure of sorts, or a caretaker...and she's along for the ride. Maybe take her up on time apart, and go no contact for a few days...I have a feeling your head will clear (after the tears) and you will be in a place to make a better decision. Hope things get better, one way or the other.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ETA: You will get unconditional love from the pup, no drama, and great companionship. That's far more than you are getting from your selfish gf.

As you can tell, I'm in the pup's corner.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@m.t.t I just now found this thread, sorry I didn’t see it sooner. 

I was another one who strongly advised that you stay out of relationships for quite a while. You overstay in toxic relationships. I don’t know why you feel like you MUST have a relationship, you sound very capable and smart on your own. You (like me) can’t seem to find anyone on your level. You see but ignore all the red flags flapping in your face and just keep staying with them anyway. 

From the very start of this current relationship, you two seemed to have skipped over the entire getting to know you and falling in love stage, and fell directly into a lifetime commitment requirement. All while she has shown that she lacks follow through and responsibility. I haven’t seen much, if any, real joy from you that’s come from being with this person. She is a flaky, irresponsible user and you have managed to find excuses for her at every step. 

Now to the pet issue. Personally I don’t see the big deal with adding one more cat. What’s one more. But you’ve chosen this as a deal breaker and you should stick to that. She wants a cat, but if she were serious about you two having a serious relationship and committed future together, she wouldn’t get one.. she’d be willing to wait until you moved in and share the two who are already in the family. As for the pup.. if you really love the pup, then keep him. Keep him and drop that useless girlfriend. If pup isn’t a fit for you, then return him and drop that useless girlfriend. (Please don’t let her take him.)Then take a very long time to focus on yourself and how to live without needing another person there to suck the life out of you. Get back to therapy and see if you can figure out why you are so attracted to abusive, psychotic user types. You are way too good a woman to entertain such people. 

Much love to you and I hope you find some peace and contentment soon. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> @m.t.t I just now found this thread, sorry I didn’t see it sooner.
> 
> I was another one who strongly advised that you stay out of relationships for quite a while. You overstay in toxic relationships. I don’t know why you feel like you MUST have a relationship, you sound very capable and smart on your own. You (like me) can’t seem to find anyone on your level. You see but ignore all the red flags flapping in your face and just keep staying with them anyway.
> 
> ...


so good to hear from you, really appreciate your thoughts.

I feel like getting to know someone during COVID when most places are shut has made dating a but harder when you get to know one another over home dinners etc. But yes i'm at fault and then for not saying something when I felt like she was getting ahead of herself with lets buy property etc. I do feel joy and laugh and feel immense happiness with her BUT I can't not help to see is this relationship is causing heavy lifting on my behalf. She is flaky, anxious and irresponsible. I don't feel like she is using me though, not intentionally. She has mislead me in terms of what she is capable of doing in life, the extent of her anxiety.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

We were meant to be going away overseas for my birthday next month. I knew she would back out due to the flying fear and now the money. She was adamant that she was coming. I want to do something special and not have a party. I was going to say you just need to buy your ticket i will cover the accommodation. The trip came up and yes she said I need to talk to you about it. She wanted to make it next year, lets celebrate it next year and go then. I said I understand you really can't afford to go with the house purchase. Even though she said a week ago that she has budgeted for it because it's so important. I knew she would pull out. I told her that I totally understand but I'm still going to go. She seemed a bit shocked that I would go om my own, that I wouldn't wait a year to celebrate my birthday my half century and other time. I have never travelled solo overseas before. I will be a bit scared but I'm up to challenge myself.

Oh and I'm keeping the puppy. I'm going to pay her out. I love this pup and her puppy ways.

We are still together but I think it's time that I do what pleases me and see what happens to this relationship when I ask her to live in my world. She keeps talking about being together but it's really on her terms and what she needs her level of communication. So instead of being disappointed, I will just not be so darm available. A lesson I have had to try and learn not just for her but also those friends that I find myself going way out of my way for even though though they don't ask me to.

I have also said lets just keep it to the weekends. She told me until recently that she can easily work from my place. She can spend the week she doesn't have her daughter with me. We can both work from my place. But this is not true as I have found out, she needs equipment that she doesn't have here. Extra computers etc. So she would work like crazy either side of coming to see me. She would come for two nights as planned, but would get stressed, leave my place a day early. She wanted to come but it was very tricky work wise but she lead me to believe it was fine. She would sometimes cancelall together, making excuses. I wish she had just been upfront. 

If we were just dating and not gotten so serious after the 6 month mark its been 9 months now I would still be seeing her. I love her company, the laughter how it feels to be with her. At this stage i can't see it getting more serious than it is though.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

m.t.t said:


> just to clarify, and I think it's actually worse, we got a pup because she kept suggesting it. She kept sending me photos. saying things like lets get a dog together, it would be great we can go halves, I'll help you take care of it, we can take it away with us etc. I would have adopted an older dog, She wanted to have a puppy because she wanted to experience having puppy. One thing that she kept bring up which I didn't feel comfortable with is a joint bank acc for the pup that we both paid into for food etc. I said No. I feel like the pup was a commitment tool for her.
> 
> I asked her about it yesterday and said that she paid half so I think it's only fair she gets to know the pup just as well. She said that no it's ok, I'm better at, more equipped etc and that she paid half because the pup will be living with us when we move in together in a few years. She said she will see the pup when she is at my place. She told me that now that she doesn't have a cat she is free to stay on her kid free weeks. I will also bring it to hers etc. She hasn't even bought a dog bowl yet. I'm an idiot.


At least you are starting to realize this now. She really didn’t want the puppy experience.

We have two German Shepard pups


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Just because two people love each other doesn't mean they are compatable. Always be willing to accept that and have the maturity to say enough.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She is a flake and she is always going to be a flake. You have to decide how much of that you can deal with.


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## Ladyrare (Aug 30, 2021)

Cooper said:


> Just because two people love each other doesn't mean they are compatable. Always be willing to accept that and have the maturity to say enough.


Exactly. There are so many opportunities to grow up together and nurture the relationship. Even couples who seem to be very compatible with each other experience situations where they are at odds. It's okay. Having difficulties is quite normal.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

There are definitely opportunities to grow, that's what relationships are for.

I can't trust her at all. She is so unreliable. Two weekends running where we drive over an over somewhere separately to spend the afternoon (due to logistics hers not mine) for us to get there and she tells me needs to go home after 10 mins and I mean 10 mins!

today we had both kids, the afternoon lined up, we get there and find that they decided in the car on the way there that they are not going to be spending the afternoon with us in the place we drove to that took an hour that we both agreed upon, but they are going to do something else on the drive home. We wasted a morning waiting for them to arrive at my place, they came here for 15 mins, change of plans we drive separately again she felt it was easier,

We arrive separately only for her to say that they are heading back after 10 mins of arriving to the place. We had plans for the afternoon to do a few things and explore there area together. They just changed the plans on the drive there. WTF

My child and I made the most of it and had a good day including lunch etc, it was a fun day but I just felt sick to my stomach. Why would you not tell me that you didn't want to spend the afternoon before we left my place. I wouldn't have bothered. 10 mins! I'm fuming.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

@m.t.t, this woman may or may not be a bad person, but she is highly manipulative. 😳


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

m.t.t said:


> There are definitely opportunities to grow, that's what relationships are for.
> 
> I can't trust her at all. She is so unreliable. Two weekends running where we drive over an over somewhere separately to spend the afternoon (due to logistics hers not mine) for us to get there and she tells me needs to go home after 10 mins and I mean 10 mins!
> 
> ...


Frankly she sounds bipolar.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is who she is and she’s not likely to change. If you want to be with her then you need to expect this sort of behavior.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

after a very aggressive phone call tonight in regards to $ and me not co signing for her property, I'm just exhausted by her. She can't seem to regulate her emotions and I'm tired of trying to calmly talk her through her negative and aggressive conversations. This aggression is new. makes me wonder if she was looking for financial help. I've offered everything else but that.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Be done. Wash your hands and walk away. 


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She wants you to co-sign for her property? I hope you don’t even consider it. I co-signed for my fiancee’s property. She broke things off and I had to get her to give me 12 months of bank statements to get a loan to show I wasn’t having to pay that debt and it wouldn’t count toward my debt to income ratio. I ha to do it twice. Humiliating. She didn’t give me trouble and took care of it. But she could have. 

If she misses payments it would ruin your credit.

I urge you to keep using your head and see this person for who she is and not who you wish her to be.

I think you should cut bait on this relationship.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Co-signing for her property? Definitely not. She’s already an emotional problem. Just imagine if money starts getting thrown into the mix and she becomes a financial problem (and people like her very often do).


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Co-signing for her property? Definitely not. She’s already an emotional problem. Just imagine if money starts getting thrown into the mix and she becomes a financial problem (and people like her very often do).


she wants to know that I will financially support her, pay the mortgage if she can't. I was honest and said that I don't earn enough to do that even if I didn't have my own expenses. So I was clear and honest and said no I can't. Not that I won't. She wants a fully committed financial relationship yet she isn't meeting my needs in many of the relationship areas. I wasn't going to get the property in both of out names it would mean that if she defaulted I would be liable for the debt and they might take my own home that I own. I cannot afford to pay her mortgage. There is a huge pay discrepancy between us. She feels that my boundaries are too firm around money. That she thought we were a team but she was wrong. (felt so manipulative)

She is also upset that I'm going away to celebrate on my own. That i can afford to do that but I said no to the financial support if she needed me.

This relationship with the unwillingness to stay, that she can't work with me around, the not wanting to spend the whole weekend, the sudden changing of plans, the I'm sorry but i can't meet your communication needs so I won't tell you what my plans even though they concern you. It feels so casual but she wants to financially tie us. She wants me to commit to her financially even though I said at our age I would prefer that we kept some financial independence. She said no she wants a real relationship. Her reasoning for this though was strange. She said that someone is going to get sick one day and need to rely on the other for financial support. I got a creeping feeling that that person that was going to be the financial support was me. That comment still feels odd in the pit of my stomach.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You do realize this woman is a user and a taker, right?

So why the hell are you wasting another second on this awful person? SERIOUSLY.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> You do realize this woman is a user and a taker, right?
> 
> So why the hell are you wasting another second on this awful person? SERIOUSLY.


Absolutely. A really hard-core user. It always comes out eventually.

She is not relationship material.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And, yes, she’s likely planning on “getting sick” soon after you’re financially committed to her. She wants you to support her while she flakes off doing whatever. No.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> You do realize this woman is a user and a taker, right?
> 
> So why the hell are you wasting another second on this awful person? SERIOUSLY.


I guess I'm exiting out. I find it hard. I made a commitment to her that I would physically support her and her new place. I like to keep my word so by exiting I feel like I'm not keeping my word. I paid her out for the pup by the way. That was really stupid of me to think that now her cat had passed she would be here more and wanting to help raise the pup. That it was part of us growing together. She really wanted the money back. I think she is incapable of thinking things through. Its obvious she hates commitment. I'm afraid of it to a degree but it's something I take seriously.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Yep exit stage left, pronto. For all the things you noted above. Commit to doing the right thing for yourself.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

m.t.t said:


> I made a commitment to her that I would physically support her and her new place. I like to keep my word so by exiting I feel like I'm not keeping my word.


Keeping your word is a commendable quality. However, this nutty woman doesn't keep her word even on the small things. I'm all for reliability, honesty, and integrity. But I don't hand it out to people who cannot respect those qualities and don't possess the same themselves.

Please, get into therapy with a counselor who is highly qualified to address codependency. Stay out of all relationships while you are in therapy. You keep attracting these nut jobs because you have unfinished business with your own issues. Learn what is going on inside your mind - and learn thoroughly - before venturing into another relationship.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

I've been reading through your post and can see lots of red flags concerning this woman. I feel she is trying to take advantage of you and your money. A lot on here have given you good advice. Wishing you the best and hope you have the strength to walk away from this user/abuser.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m all for keeping your word but in this case the person you gave your word to doesn’t really exist. You just thought she did. Now you know better and I hope you don’t continue to overlook this stuff.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

update - she got the male cat yesterday. The kicker was she said her friend was feeling really stressed out by the cat so she took it as a trial. remember when I was really stressed by the pup (our pup) and she didn't help? I was so angry! But it was via text so I just let it go and said I'm happy for her. I think she needs a cat but she has not once talked about or probably not though about the logistics with the pup coming and even staying there. This is what upsets me. the pup is a sighthound it is still in training not to chase. There was no let see how the cat goes with our pup etc. It's was just I now have a cat!

With the cat there I will no longer be able to stay the night there with the pup (who is now the love of my life) as the pup will want to case it and there is no where for the cat to go in a tiny apartment. I It only just started getting easier with the pup staying there. I get it she is lonely. But she told me the evening after the cta arrived so I know she knew I would be happy. She also idnt talk about it with me.

she also announced the other day that she needs to learn that when things are going well between us that's ok, it's not a reason to be uncomfortable. omg! It feels like madness.

When things are good they are amazing. Too much hurt and frustration for me now. I need to move on.

The house thing fell through due to the vendor, so I'm no longer feeling obligated to keeping my word with tht project.

I'm going back into therapy.

Good news - I got offered work that is perfect for me.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Congrats on the job! And on the decision to go to therapy. Hope you are able to end this soon so you can get off this treadmill of craziness and frustration. 


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