# One thing you learned



## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

What’s one thing you wished you learned earlier in your marriage?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

That my husband's social drinking wasn't "social" at all.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

How to spot gaslighting and the signs of a guilty "conscience", not to trust implicitly.


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## AmberP (Apr 21, 2021)

That I don't have to take on all the work and it should be entrusted to others. That cleaning is not "help around the house," but that a person cleans his own house. I think this is important to understand.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Never close both eyes when sleeping.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Actually, I "learned" in SO relationship prior to marriage that I was not the kind of man that women go for. I wish I had accepted this, built my life around my careers, and avoided marriage, because it brought me only heartache. Marriage was, because of that inherent trait in me, a complete waste of my time, energy, and money. It demanded everything, and returned nothing.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

To be very patient.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The Enjoli Woman was a myth.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

Just one thing????


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That when you’re just not compatible the problem remains no matter what you do to make it work.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

The Five Love Languages


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

To do fewer stupid things. I'll leave that right there for now.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

That if a partner indicates in any way that I'll need to choose between them/the relationship and my own self-respect, I should pick me. _Every. Time_.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Say yes more often.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Communication in all its forms. Trust your gut. Trust but verify.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

How very differently men and women think.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

one of the side effects from placing a wedding ring on a finger is sudden amnesia of a any sex life you had prior.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Lostinthought61 said:


> one of the side effects from placing a wedding ring on a finger is sudden amnesia of a any sex life you had prior.


That's pretty common knowledge!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sfort said:


> That's pretty common knowledge!


But clearly my married buddies never told me that before i got married...i am beginning to think it's a conspiracy...lol


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

To accept that people want what they want. No amount of open, honest discussion negotiating or even setting an example will do any good.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> The Enjoli Woman was a myth.


What's an Enjoli woman?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

That my wife is terrible at cooking bacon (eh, at least she was a good earner, and had other womanly skills).


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TXTrini said:


> What's an Enjoli woman?


In the 80s, there was a commercial for the fragrance called 'Enjoli'. It was touting the super-woman concept where a woman could work 9-5, bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan and never, ever let her husband forget he is a man. Yep, she did it ALL. And by ALL, I mean ALL. Work, kids, all housework and seductive temptress at night as if she were a Stepford wife who never got tired and her husband was an entitled sloth.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Hey, @CharlieParker , as you can see, I didn't kick the bucket.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I’ve been thinking about this question and I honestly can’t think of anything. I have only been married two and a half years but we lived together and also had a child before we were married.
Edited to add. I knew she couldn’t cook before we even lived together.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I’ve been thinking about this question and I honestly can’t think of anything. I have only been married two and a half years but we lived together and also had a child before we were married.
> Edited to add. I knew she couldn’t cook before we even lived together.


Cooking lessons for her birthday, Andy (and then run like the hounds of hell are nipping at your heels).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

That people show you who they are and you should believe them. If it doesn't work for you that's not going to change.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> The Enjoli Woman was a myth.


I think there was a poster here with that name when I joined. Faded away like many others over the years.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> That people show you who they are and you should believe them. If it doesn't work for you that's not going to change.


Amen to that. I was an exceptionally slow learner.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

Openminded said:


> That when you’re just not compatible the problem remains no matter what you do to make it work.


The trick, of course, is being able to recognize an incompatability when it is staring you in the face.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

TurnedTurtle said:


> The trick, of course, is being able to recognize an incompatability when it is staring you in the face.


The determination to “fix” a dysfunctional marriage keeps many in place, unfortunately.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> In the 80s, there was a commercial for the fragrance called 'Enjoli'. It was touting the super-woman concept where a woman could work 9-5, bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan and never, ever let her husband forget he is a man. Yep, she did it ALL. And by ALL, I mean ALL. Work, kids, all housework and seductive temptress at night as if she were a Stepford wife who never got tired and her husband was an entitled sloth.


What ?? Wait a minute... isn't this the bare minimum ?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Pay more attention to who her friends are. They are a direct reflection of her. This actually would helped me avoid the marriage all together.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Many things ...

Trust your gut
Don't rugsweep
Trickle truthing
Gaslighting
DARVO
Bipolar and BPD
Not being able to control what others do


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> What's an Enjoli woman?


🤦‍♀️👩‍🦰🧏‍♀ but spelled wrong?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Al_Bundy said:


> Pay more attention to who her friends are. They are a direct reflection of her. This actually would helped me avoid the marriage all together.


This is sooo true^^^^


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> In the 80s, there was a commercial for the fragrance called 'Enjoli'. It was touting the super-woman concept where a woman could work 9-5, bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan and never, ever let her husband forget he is a man. Yep, she did it ALL. And by ALL, I mean ALL. Work, kids, all housework and seductive temptress at night as if she were a Stepford wife who never got tired and her husband was an entitled sloth.


 Thanks for the explanation. I remember the poster when I was a lurker but I never knew the pop culture reference.

Was there a contemporary one for men who should look like Chippendale dancers but be straight, bring home the bacon, never lose an erection, and indeed be ready on-demand with no refractory and do yard cleanup, and continuously do home project upgrades?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

TXTrini said:


> Thanks for the explanation. I remember the poster when I was a lurker but I never knew the pop culture reference.
> 
> Was there a contemporary one for men who should look like Chippendale dancers but be straight, bring home the bacon, never lose an erection, and indeed be ready on-demand with no refractory and do yard cleanup, and continuously do home project upgrades?


And cooks.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> And cooks.


He's better not mess with my kitchen! Especially not my organized spice rack and pantry.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> He's better not mess with my kitchen! Especially not my organized spice rack and pantry.


My wife has tried to organize the spices before and I destroy it in less than 3 days. She gave up, however she has managed to keep me straight on my clothes drawers. I put a sock out of place before and the glare could melt steel.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> My wife has tried to organize the spices before and I destroy it in less than 3 days. She gave up, however she has managed to keep me straight on my clothes drawers. I put a sock out of place before and the glare could melt steel.


 OMG, I might cheerfully set your ball hairs on fire in your sleep if I were your wife!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> OMG, I might cheerfully set your ball hairs on fire in your sleep if I were your wife!


So mean!

If Emeril is going to “Bam” with some cayenne pepper does he just pull it from right where he has it or does he have to dig through and rack and find it after basil? No way. When you’re an artist like us you need your spices right at your fingertips.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> So mean!
> 
> If Emeril is going to “Bam” with some cayenne pepper does he just pull it from right where he has it or does he have to dig through and rack and find it after basil? No way. When you’re an artist like us you need your spices right at your fingertips.


I'm only mean when you mess with my kitchen 😁

I have too many herbs and spices for anything but salt and pepper to be at my fingertips! It's called mise en place, Put aside the stuff you need when you need it, and then put it back!!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> I'm only mean when you mess with my kitchen 😁
> 
> I have too many herbs and spices for anything but salt and pepper to be at my fingertips! It's called mise en place, Put aside the stuff you need when you need it, and then put it back!!


Hmm you make a valid and interesting point. Maybe I will surprise Mrs with a straightened spice cabinet.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> The Enjoli Woman was a myth.


I had to look that one up.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

ccpowerslave said:


> Hmm you make a valid and interesting point. Maybe I will surprise Mrs with a straightened spice cabinet.


LOL! I’ve done this in the past. While he recognised I was trying to be ‘helpful’ it was misdirected in that he’s the one using the kitchen so it’s gotta make sense for him. Even if that looks chaotic to me. I’m not the one cooking. (Although have been attempting more recently). So I leave him to it. He cooks delicious meals so it’s his call.

All I could come up with as an equivalent analogy would be if he re-ordered my vinyl records. NO!! Haha


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Speaking of vinyl records, that was the last thing to be merged in our relationship. We were living together, shared bank account, expressed our love for each other but records was another thing for me. The day I suggested we didn’t need to buy two of the same record, he laughed and said something like, ‘okay, you’re sure you’re ready for that level of commitment?’ I had been concerned that if we broke up (even though no signs that would happen), I didn’t want to have to try and split the record collection. 😆 what he’s put up with!

Anyway, I guess it was symbolic and in hindsight (and all the duplicate vinyl we have now, although I did give some to DJ friends a while back) it’s kinda embarrassing. I could have let go earlier; still, it was where I was at.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> Hmm you make a valid and interesting point. Maybe I will surprise Mrs with a straightened spice cabinet.


I smile every time I open my pantry, it genuinely makes me happy to be able to find stuff easily. To give you an idea of why this is so important to me, I stock a home like a hobbit so pantry chaos would waste so much time looking for things. 


heartsbeating said:


> LOL! I’ve done this in the past. While he recognised I was trying to be ‘helpful’ it was misdirected in that he’s the one using the kitchen so it’s gotta make sense for him. Even if that looks chaotic to me. I’m not the one cooking. (Although have been attempting more recently). So I leave him to it. He cooks delicious meals so it’s his call.
> 
> All I could come up with as an equivalent analogy would be if he re-ordered my vinyl records. NO!! Haha


I think respecting each other's territory is important. All bets are off it's 50/50 though unless your definition of cooking differs vastly.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

TXTrini said:


> I think respecting each other's territory is important. All bets are off it's 50/50 though unless your definition of cooking differs vastly.


My ‘cooking’ can’t hold a candle to his. Also he enjoys it, whereas it’s not really my bag and I’m just trying to balance it out based on our new routine and doing my bit. It’s been edible, so that’s a good start!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

heartsbeating said:


> LOL! I’ve done this in the past. While he recognised I was trying to be ‘helpful’ it was misdirected in that he’s the one using the kitchen so it’s gotta make sense for him. Even if that looks chaotic to me. I’m not the one cooking. (Although have been attempting more recently). So I leave him to it. He cooks delicious meals so it’s his call.
> 
> All I could come up with as an equivalent analogy would be if he re-ordered my vinyl records. NO!! Haha


I cook all of our meals that are prepared at home but she sometimes opens the spice cabinet for salt or a baking spice and it looks like a bomb went off. She bought a little wire rack for McCormick spice pouches but I have about 3x the rack capacity so I just tossed them farther into the cabinet where her arms can’t reach and she can’t see... but I can see muhahahaha.

I’d post a picture but I don’t want to send @TXTrini off the deep end.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I sound like a (stereotyped) dude.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

And about the records, we have discussed that we need to create a will - particularly if something happens to both of us. The first thing I raised was who the record collection goes to 😆 …we decided records to my brother and he’ll also be the executor.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CN2622 said:


> What’s one thing you wished you learned earlier in your marriage?


Wait...... I'm supposed to be learning something???


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

People really do need space and it's OK to wait to talk about things.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> In the 80s, there was a commercial for the fragrance called 'Enjoli'. It was touting the super-woman concept where a woman could work 9-5, bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan and never, ever let her husband forget he is a man. Yep, she did it ALL. And by ALL, I mean ALL. Work, kids, all housework and seductive temptress at night as if she were a Stepford wife who never got tired and her husband was an entitled sloth.


The actress they had in that commercial sparked more than one adolescent fantasy for this barbarian.😁


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Actually I'll add this: I wish I hadn't idealized my husband like I did. Granted, he was an extremely intelligent, well-educated man. He had a dry wit, which I adored. We both enjoyed sitting at the dinner table and discussing politics/daily events. So many things I loved about him ....

But I IDEALIZED him. I wasn't being realistic in stepping back and seeing his shortcomings and his demons. SHAME. ON. ME.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> Actually I'll add this: I wish I hadn't idealized my husband like I did. Granted, he was an extremely intelligent, well-educated man. He had a dry wit, which I adored. We both enjoyed sitting at the dinner table and discussing politics/daily events. So many things I loved about him ....
> 
> But I IDEALIZED him. I wasn't being realistic in stepping back and seeing his shortcomings and his demons. SHAME. ON. ME.


My exH was very much like yours (minus the alcohol) and for decades I ignored a lot I shouldn’t have because I idealized him. That was a lesson learned too late for me.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> I cook all of our meals that are prepared at home but she sometimes opens the spice cabinet for salt or a baking spice and it looks like a bomb went off. She bought a little wire rack for McCormick spice pouches but I have about 3x the rack capacity so I just tossed them farther into the cabinet where her arms can’t reach and she can’t see... but I can see muhahahaha.
> 
> I’d post a picture but I don’t want to send @TXTrini off the deep end.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

1. Don’t bother her with your job complaints or stress. When she asks how your day was, the right answer is always “fantastic honey, yours?”
2. Don’t beg, harass, or continually make innuendos for sex. Just take action. Get kids away/occupied, bring wine/flowers/gifts, or get her out of the house... she knows what you want.
3. Pay close attention to her. When she wears something new, compliment her. When she’s quiet- you know something is wrong so you better start figuring out what stupid thing you did this time.
4. When you’re struggling, grow a pair and be a man. She doesn’t want to hear about your fears or insecurities. Sharing that BS just makes it worse because she’ll be worrying about it for decades.
4. When she puts something on your honey-do list and mentions it a second time- that’s the highest priority job you do ASAP.
5. If she asks “does this make me look fat” the correct answer is “if you get any curvier I’m going to die from lust”. Lol


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## Kawan (Apr 29, 2021)

CN2622 said:


> What’s one thing you wished you learned earlier in your marriage?


That I dont know my partner yet


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Choose your partner carefully.


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## Nelly66 (Apr 27, 2021)

CN2622 said:


> What’s one thing you wished you learned earlier in your marriage?


That when my husband tells me I am stupid and not normal, that I make him miserable to believe thats really how he feels and not fall for "I am sorry" over and over again. And not to trust an alcoholic.


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

Complete honesty and trust. Also took a while for me to figure out that most of our arguments were my fault. 

Not joking. When I gave it serious introspective thought over many arguments, it was my pride, stubbornness and anger that escalated 90% of them. I’m learning to recognize that in the moment and check myself.


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## OmahaHubby (Aug 25, 2012)

CN2622 said:


> What’s one thing you wished you learned earlier in your marriage?


That the expiration date was coming up


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