# What is the 180 technique everyone is talking about?



## Big Mama

I am new here. I have been looking threw threads and I see some mention of the 180 technique. From what I have found it sounds interesting. I can't get a good grasp on what exactly that is. So my question is ....What is the 180 technique that folks are talking about, where can I find more information. To any one who has tried this do you have any words of wisdom, and opinion on who successful it was.


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## Trying2figureitout

My own opinion is it has limited use. Its basically to get you to stop being a doormat while an inappropriate relationship is being maintained by your spouse. In some cases it may work in many it just drives a nail in the coffin.

I prefer the direct non sugar coated approach. I don't like any "solution" that asks someone to notice something off a list then turn around unless they are authentic permanent behaviors you corrected for yourself. This is between two ADULTS speak your mind and make a decision after you do as to whether there is common ground or not. Don't be afraid of your spouse. Be direct..they are not mind readers. Might take more than once of saying THE EXACT same thing IN 20 DIFFERENT WAYS until they get it.

=================
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."


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## Big Mama

EEEEKKKKK, that is tough. 

Thank you for answering that for me. I was just curious. That answered my question. 

Anyone around here tried this and found it helpful or not so much helpful.


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## Mr Blunt

I did the 180 (25+ years ago) when there was no 180

*I can tell you that the most important position to be in is one where you are much more self sufficient; that self sufficiency is crucial*. In other words you get to the point you can live with them or without them. That is what most of the 180 is working towards IMO

The 180 is very hard because it usually is needed when you have been hit hard while you are still co-dependant on your SO or spouse. The young usually get hit the hardest because they are still a bit idealistic and think that two people in love can go on forever with the spouse/SO always supplying what they lack.

After 10-30 years the real truth about human weaknesses are revealed and then you have a choice of becoming more self sufficient or compromising and pleading for the spouse to keep filling your needs. Some become door mats


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## Hope1964

The 180 is NOT for winning your spouse back. If that' why you want to do it, then don't.

The 180 is a way for you to become happy as yourself. Apart from anyone else. Only once you are happy as you, independent of others, can you make a CHOICE to be with someone else. When you rely on others for your happiness, you cannot be truly happy, and you will only be with others because you feel forced to be with them.

Many people who do the 180 find that they no longer want to be with their spouse. Sometimes the spouse sees the change and decides they want to stop cheating or whatever. There is not really a measure of success, because the only goal is to be happy with yourself. Being happy with yourself is pretty much a lifelong endeavour, IMO.


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## Big Mama

Thank you both for your opinions. I just saw the 180 mentioned in a few places threw out this site and wondered what it involved and folks experiences with that. 

Again think you both for your honest opinions.


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## Wolf1974

I agree this is more for disconnecting than changing A spouses behavior. Prior to learning of my x wives affair I came to this site desperately looking for help and read about the 180. Wanted to use to to show my x that she wasn't hurting me at all. Of course this didn't work. When I found out about I affair I accepted I lost her completely. This can have some Merits for you but not to manipulate someone else


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## Mmdog60

Holy heck I've never heard this 180 thing before but my god how true. .. Hope1964 is so right....it's about showing your own strength and independence to move on. I failed miserably at this the first two years when my ex walked out. When I finally implemented the 180 approach ( not knowing it was the 180 approach) that's when WAS decided she wanted me back. I have had nothing to do with it though she texts me about 200 times a day begging me to take her. I do not acknowledge most of them. The funny thing she begs for me to take her and still sees the man she left me for. To me that is twisted and sick. Can't tell you all how happy and helpful this site is...thx.


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## Stretch

Hope1964 said:


> The 180 is NOT for winning your spouse back. If that' why you want to do it, then don't.
> 
> The 180 is a way for you to become happy as yourself. Apart from anyone else. Only once you are happy as you, independent of others, can you make a CHOICE to be with someone else. When you rely on others for your happiness, you cannot be truly happy, and you will only be with others because you feel forced to be with them.
> 
> Many people who do the 180 find that they no longer want to be with their spouse. Sometimes the spouse sees the change and decides they want to stop cheating or whatever. There is not really a measure of success, because the only goal is to be happy with yourself. Being happy with yourself is pretty much a lifelong endeavour, IMO.


Did it, moved on, became a better person. My WAS wanted to R 14 months later. Whatever the reason, the 180, the grass is not greener, I was ready to make a choice on what was best for me.

My experience is a to small a sample to be conclusive, but I am of the mindset that the 180 is the only way to emerge from the crippling pain of these experiences seeing the future in a positive way.

Stretch


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## Stretch

An interesting thing that happens,

You will never believe how undesirable the begging and pleading are until your WAS is doing the begging to you.

If it happens to you, it will blow your mind, I promise.

Stretch


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## Mmdog60

Stretch...can't believe your last two comments here! They are SO true! I must have looked like an idiot when my ex WA. Now she has begged me back and I cannot believe how pathetic it is...great points stretch.


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## jrredmo

I just stumbled across this bit of advice, It helped out my mood quite a bit.


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## Pamvhv

Read The Divorce Remedy.


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## 1forestmaiden

Trying2figureitout said:


> My own opinion is it has limited use. Its basically to get you to stop being a doormat while an inappropriate relationship is being maintained by your spouse. In some cases it may work in many it just drives a nail in the coffin.
> 
> I prefer the direct non sugar coated approach. I don't like any "solution" that asks someone to notice something off a list then turn around unless they are authentic permanent behaviors you corrected for yourself. This is between two ADULTS speak your mind and make a decision after you do as to whether there is common ground or not. Don't be afraid of your spouse. Be direct..they are not mind readers. Might take more than once of saying THE EXACT same thing IN 20 DIFFERENT WAYS until they get it.
> 
> =================
> SurvivingInfidelity.com - General Forum
> A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)
> 
> So here's the list:
> 
> Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
> No frequent phone calls.
> Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
> Don't follow her/him around the house.
> Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
> Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
> Don't ask for reassurances.
> Don't buy or give gifts.
> Don't schedule dates together.
> Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
> Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
> Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
> Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
> When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
> If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
> Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
> Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
> No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
> All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
> Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
> Don't be overly enthusiastic.
> Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
> Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
> Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
> Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
> Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
> Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
> Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
> Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
> Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
> Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
> Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
> When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."


What about sex? Do you still have sex?


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