# Newlywed desperate for help!!!



## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Im sorry for the length but please read!

My wife and I are 25, dated 3 yr, engaged 1 yr, married 1.5 yr. We met in college, graduated and both have jobs as engineers.
Dating and the engagement was great, we got along well, rarely fought, had lots in common, had sex 2-3 times a week and in general were happy. About 6 months before the wedding that all changed, she was constantly upset, we lived 3 hours apart and I would see her on weekends but we would always fight and sex became a once a month thing, I was unhappy and my friends and family said I shouldn’t get married but I decided that her stress and mood change was just pre wedding jitters and assumed it would all go away when we got married….it didn’t.

We agreed that I would move to her home town as she is close with her family. After getting married I found a new job and moved to her town, we got an apartment and started our lives together. Things at this point only got worse, she quickly became a workaholic putting 60+ hours weeks and going to her parents home after work (yes she still calls her parents place “home” ), when she would finally come to our place around 8-9pm she would slam the door shut, THROW her bag on the ground, proceed to ignore me and usually slept on the couch 5 nights a week. She said she was unhappy because of her job and she missed her family, even tho she saw them daily and we lived 10 min away.

At the one year anniversary, I wanted to take a trip to a couples resort to reconnect, she said no and we instead took a trip with her family to FL and stayed in a place WITH her family. After this I said we go to therapy and fix things or I wanted a divorce, she went to one therapy session then refused to go, I went for awhile by myself but eventually stopped. Shortly after this she said she wanted to buy a home and said it would make her “happy”, I said I wouldn’t buy a home with someone who doesn’t show any affection for me. With that her mood changed, she was nice, caring, worked less hours, spent more time with me and less with her family and we had sex once a week for months, I caved and we bought a house…right down the street from her parents …Within a month of buying the house she was cranky, all sex stopped, her parents work nights so we are now watching her 12 yr old brother SIX NIGHTS A WEEK, as it “makes sense” since we are so close.

For those who will ask I do help out around the house, infact I cook dinner 5 nights a week, I do dishes, I take the trash out every week, I do laundry, I pay the bills, sweep, I just finished doing taxes, I complete projects around the house, ive never forgot a birthday or anniversary, always get her flowers, etc…. Im naturally a happy person and love my friends, family, job, hobbies etc…I care about my wife but im not sure if im in love with her anymore, we have things in common, but without the physical affection, flirting, kissing, hugs, sex etc.. I just feel like we’re roommates. I want her to see a dr or therapist but she refuses. I have heard that birth control can cause emotional and sexual problems but when I mention this she gets mad and wont even consider changing it or getting off it.

Im young and have no children, I hate to spend a life in a unhappy marriage when im young and still have plenty of time to meet someone I could be happy with. Is there any hope in saving my marriage? Is it even worth saving a marriage that has had problems constantly since day one?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Tosh, at least at this point there are no children to bog this down further.

I think you again need to go to your wife and explain to her that what you have is not a marriage. It's more of a roommate living arrangement with very seldom sex.

You need to be up front with her and tell her again that this needs to be fixed (counseling) or the two of you are better going off on your seperate ways to find real happiness with others.

She needs to find out from her MD if the birthcontrol is causing some/all of this. Hell, judging by what you say, she doesn't need to be on it anyway!


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Tosh, at least at this point there are no children to bog this down further.
> 
> I think you again need to go to your wife and explain to her that what you have is not a marriage. It's more of a roommate living arrangement with very seldom sex.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the response i was worried it was too long for people to read.

Yeah one time she was freaking out because she forgot a pill one day, i reassured her it would be ok as we hadnt had sex during that pack of pills :scratchhead:


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## lasgirl (Mar 3, 2012)

Marry me! Just kidding! Sounds like you are a responsible stand up kind of guy. And if divorce is where you are headed it's a lot easier without kids involved. From a females POV, yes birth control can cause all kinds of issues. When I started on them it was almost like an out of body experience, I could see that I was being nasty but couldn't do anything to stop it. It took me years to find the right ones that did not cause any issues. But honestly, that might not be her problem. Sounds like she isn't happy either. I know that for myself, when I'm happy I make sure everyone around me is happy. But when I'm miserable or depressed, I just stay away and shut down. You need to be honest with her and leave the emotions at the door so she can really hear you.


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## Chuckp47 (Nov 11, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Chuckp47 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i would love to read what you said


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## OnTheBrink (Dec 4, 2011)

I will quickly admit that I can't claim to be in a good place to give marriage advice, but I can tell you my thoughts based on my experience.

I ignored warning signs that started coming up right before I married my wife under the same type of assumption. The problems became worse after marriage and still plague us to this day. Now we have a house and children and it would be a mess to end the relationship now, but at times life is absolutely miserable. We have improved in some ways, and maybe over time we can find a way to do okay.

But the main thing I want to tell you is DON'T IGNORE THE ISSUE - FORCE IT TO A RESOLUTION now. Say we're going to go to counseling and get to the bottom of this or we're done. If she refuses to go, bring her the divorce papers and be ready to walk away, because if she's not willing to work on it there's no point. And make sure to keep following through - don't allow her to agree to go back and then start avoiding it again. You have to be strong and force this to a resolution - one way or the other - or this will likely plague you for a long long time.

And whatever you do, DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO MAKE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMAN WITHOUT THE ISSUES BEING RESOLVED!!!


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

OnTheBrink said:


> I will quickly admit that I can't claim to be in a good place to give marriage advice, but I can tell you my thoughts based on my experience.
> 
> I ignored warning signs that started coming up right before I married my wife under the same type of assumption. The problems became worse after marriage and still plague us to this day. Now we have a house and children and it would be a mess to end the relationship now, but at times life is absolutely miserable. We have improved in some ways, and maybe over time we can find a way to do okay.
> 
> ...


I should have seen through the lies and never purchased the house!...so kids are certainly not happening at this point. I thank you for the advice, its nice getting in from someone who has been through it all. I think i need to man up, demand therapy and a resolution to our problems (or atleast an effort to fix them) and if she cant atleast work with me or show that she wants change i need to leave her. I know it will be hard but i think it will be best for both of us as we will never be happy if the given situation continues.


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

Setting aside the intimacy issues, do you guys get along well? Are there any other problems?


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

ConfusedGuy82 said:


> Setting aside the intimacy issues, do you guys get along well? Are there any other problems?


Her family has always been a issue, they dont give us any space and are over at our home constantly, control our lives and we watch her brother 6 days a week which will never change because she likes that level of closeness with her family. I dont even bring the issue up anymore as she refuses to talk about it, she said early in the marriage if i cant learned to deal with her family it would be a deal breaker.

We argue alot about her working 50+ hr weeks, it makes her tired and stressed which has a negative effect on the marriage, anytime i bring it up she says she has no control over it and thats the end of the discussion. plus it pushes the responsibility of all house hold chores and duties onto me.

So as long as i keep up with the house work, put a big smile on my face when her family is around and in general do everything she requests without complaint, our marriage is tolerable and she rewards my efforts by having sex once a month to meet my needs. But, as soon as i bring up something that is bothering me or show a desire to change an aspect of the marriage she makes life untolerable by crying, throwing a fit, etc...and will continue to do so untill i finally give in. She actually cried for 4 hours straight and said she would divorce me if we didnt buy the house she wanted down the road from her parents house...looking back on it i dont know why i passed up this chance to get out...


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

Yeah...buying a house just down the road from the wife's parents was SO not a good idea (even under normal circumstances). The fact that she would blackmail you with divorce if you refused to buy the house is incredibly disrespectful and childish.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

ConfusedGuy82 said:


> Yeah...buying a house just down the road from the wife's parents was SO not a good idea (even under normal circumstances). The fact that she would blackmail you with divorce if you refused to buy the house is incredibly disrespectful and childish.


yeah...funny how everyone told me that but i didnt listen...marriage must make you deaf or stupid...maybe both


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

Toshiba2020 said:


> yeah...funny how everyone told me that but i didnt listen...marriage must make you deaf or stupid...maybe both


I don't know about marriage, but love certainly can make one deaf and stupid.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

Love sure made me stupid. All the warning signs were there the day I married her. At least I did not have kids before I finally wised up and left her. I can laugh about it now, but there was a time when I was ashamed of myself for my own stubbornness and stupidity in ignoring the red flags.

You don't say where you live, but if you live in the US in a community property state, the house is community property and the equity can be split between the two of you. Even if you don't live in a community property state, you should still get something back out of the house. Can't speak for other countries. Alright so you may lose something in the split, do NOT be afraid of that, you are a young engineer, you can always make the money back. But if you have kids, you are stuck. Very firmly stuck! If you are going to divorce her, NOW would be the time while there are still no children. Do NOT have children with this woman unless this problem is resolved to your satisfaction.

Finally Athol Kay at MMSL makes a point about the drop off in sex life happening due to an event or milestone that was negative and maybe the guy just doesn't realize it at the time, only in looking back. In your case, you might examine just what happened at that 6 month mark that could have turned her against you. At least with an eye toward learning any applicable lessons.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

TOSHIBA I am a man that loves his wfe dearly. I suffer from depression and I was in your wifes shoes. I rarely touched my wife, I became distant, I didn't have the anger issues of slamming the door etc but I showed no emotion. My wife left me and I love her with all my heart. I am working on my depression because I was once a happy go lucky positive guy. I am digging in my heart to find the reasons I became a shell of a man. I feel my wife made the right decision for herself and in turn it's giving me the iiopportunity to fix my issues (when you have space and able to think of the damage this is doing you can change or become more depressed.) I do positive things everyday, and I do mean everyday and some days are sadder than others but on occassion I see a smile on my face. 
I'm honest and need more work but I'm doing it slowly.
so what I'm trying to say is, if she loves you she will change. If she is unhappy within she will change (become more bitter or return to who she was) but you should sit her down. Maybe express all your love how she is so beautiful to you and that it hurts you but that you must let her go so she can be happy. Tell her you did all you could. by a house, cook clean. take trips with her family, you moved, you take care of her brother. tell her you are sorry for not making her happy and that she should go find happiness. No matter what she tells you dont budge. tell her to move back with her parents for a while so she can think. (she doesn't have to move all her stuff out but just what she will need for a couple of months). give her at leaast two weeks with no contact (unless she calls you and she will). Don't give in to fast let her realize what she is losing. after a while if she really wants to work on it. go on dates (alone no family or friends). If you see the spark again convince her to go to therapy a couple of times till you get all your feelings out. don't be afraid to say you are afraid of having kids right now. your 25 you can wait 3 years and see how she changed. Once in a while aloow her to sleep over but not move in. SMALL STEPS WILL SHOW YOU IF SHE CARES. hey im 36 have no contact with my wife and I care. I care enough to fix myself for us. I love her enough to let her go. am I afraid to not get her back? yes. But I'm starting to love myself because My love for her is beautiful. I see what I do, how honest I am, How everyday I get up and better myself and at the end of my journey I will show her I love her and if she never returns I will be ok because I know inmy heart i took the time and worked on something beautiful, myself.
so maybe it's not you, maybe she loves you with all her heart. Maybe shes just scared. she's scared to grow up. but if you force her to grow up or remain a little girl to her parents she might change. I feel your pain. Keep your head up you sound like a good catch. Guys like you are rare and hope she realizes how special you are before your out the door. She must be special too for you to fight for her.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

ferndog said:


> your 25 you can wait 3 years and see how she changed.


i dont feel like waiting that long to be honest. ive given it a year and a half of marriage to figure work everything out. in 3 years i could go through a divorce, grief the loss, get my life back together, start dating again, find the right lucky lady and get engagged and get married all by age 28 then have a few years to spare before i need to start having kids around 30ish.


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

I wouldn't wait 3 years to see if she changes if I were in yours shoes either. We only have one life to live and there are no guarantees. You could be sick (or dead) in 3 years.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

ferndog said:


> so maybe it's not you, maybe she loves you with all her heart. Maybe shes just scared. she's scared to grow up. but if you force her to grow up or remain a little girl to her parents she might change. I feel your pain. Keep your head up you sound like a good catch. Guys like you are rare and hope she realizes how special you are before your out the door. She must be special too for you to fight for her.



This sounds to me like an astute observation. Try to think about those words and see if it speaks to you. 

She's clinging to her family for some reason. She's avoiding you for the same reason. She might be depressed. She might have abandonment issues and she may be afraid that she has abandoned her family for you and feel guilty about it. She may not know how to talk to you about problems you guys are having that you are not seeing. 

Before you throw in the towel, try talking to her again in a different way. Maybe you can figure out your emotional needs and hers (there's a good set of worksheets on the marriage builders website) or the love languages; this could make it easier. You guys need to find a way to communicate through this problem and she needs to be able to let her guard down around you. 

Given the amount of time she is spending with her family, it sounds like she has some issues going on that do not have to do with you. Its doubtful that she's cheating; more likely some issue she is working through for which she doesn't feel supported by you. Maybe she feels like she isn't being supported in some critical way and doesn't know how to talk about it. 

Maybe she just needs you to show her that you value the people she values. It sounds a little like she is protecting them, like it might bother her that you don't see them as precious the way she does and therefore don't really understand her. If you make some time to bond with her family, too, she may see you as less of a threat to her bond with her family and like someone who supports her connections and then she might spend more rather than less time with you because she won't be as guarded. 

I suspect that she might have issues with growing up and leaving her family or origin. I suspect that she might be more inclined to be more intimate and close to you if she could see that you genuinely care about her family in some way. Rather than laying down the law that you only want to spend xzy amount of time with her family, try telling her that you need more time with her to build your relationship, but that because you see her family is important, you will make an effort to bond with them too -- as long as she meets you in the middle, also, by building a better foundation with you. Of course, you have to mean this and want this, not just want to take her away from her world and merely tolerate it.

Good luck. Sometimes communication is really hard, but you seem to care about your wife and your marriage, so go the extra mile here to try and understand what is happening before you give up and start giving ultimatums. It can be hard to detach from family at the age you guys are in and it might take some time for you both to build your foundation; she may just need you to show her that she can count on you in the same ways that she believes she can count on her family of origin.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Toshiba2020 said:


> i dont feel like waiting that long to be honest. ive given it a year and a half of marriage to figure work everything out. in 3 years i could go through a divorce, grief the loss, get my life back together, start dating again, find the right lucky lady and get engagged and get married all by age 28 then have a few years to spare before i need to start having kids around 30ish.


Oh....this makes you sound like you're not really all that committed and you're maybe looking for an exit. If you're not committed and she is sensing that, this might be your problem. Try and figure out whether or not you really want to be in this marriage. If you don't, just move on while it's possible for the two of you to do so...

My other post was based on the assumption that you were looking for a way to fix the problem, not that you were trying to decide whether or not to stay. If you're unsure you want to stay, then you should figure that out first! 

Better to know sooner rather than later. It doesn't make you a bad guy for not wanting to stay, but you'll both be happier if you realize whether both feet are in the marriage or not for each of you. It's possible that she senses you're not all in and so she isn't willing to be all in, either. Think carefully about whether or not you actually want to be in the marriage and be honest with yourselves about it! Good luck!


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

desert-rose said:


> Oh....this makes you sound like you're not really all that committed and you're maybe looking for an exit. If you're not committed and she is sensing that, this might be your problem. Try and figure out whether or not you really want to be in this marriage. If you don't, just move on while it's possible for the two of you to do so...
> 
> My other post was based on the assumption that you were looking for a way to fix the problem, not that you were trying to decide whether or not to stay. If you're unsure you want to stay, then you should figure that out first!
> 
> Better to know sooner rather than later. It doesn't make you a bad guy for not wanting to stay, but you'll both be happier if you realize whether both feet are in the marriage or not for each of you. It's possible that she senses you're not all in and so she isn't willing to be all in, either. Think carefully about whether or not you actually want to be in the marriage and be honest with yourselves about it! Good luck!


Well the first year i was 100% "both feet in" and would do anything to make it work but in the last 6 months ive become disappointed with the comeplete lack of progress combined with the countless promises she makes to change or keep working on things that she forgets about literally minutes after we talk. I don't know why I try anymore, i guess i do need to decide if im staying or going, no point in working out issues if im going.

As for your previous post i do know that she feels responsibility or even guilt for her familys situation. She is the oldest and was a unplanned child, her parents basically married because they had to although they do get along well and even decided to have more kids. However, they both had to drop out of college and do struggle financially, which is why her parents work nights and we end up watching her brother 6 nights a week. Its almost as if she feels she owes her parents some unrepayable debt and has devoted her life to serving them at the cost of her own goals, dreams and happiness.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Again, time to call this one. What's going to happen 20 years down the road when one of her parents dies? If it's anything like my life, my MIL who lives 20 mins away is at my house almost every day from 2 PM to at least 7 PM! We usually feed her dinner before she goes! Talk about cramping your style! Plus, she nevers offers to chip in a few bucks or anything! I could go on but it's your thread. Just want you to know what you could be facing way down the road!


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Toshiba2020 said:


> i guess i do need to decide if im staying or going
> 
> Its almost as if she feels she owes her parents some unrepayable debt and has devoted her life to serving them at the cost of her own goals, dreams and happiness.


Take some time with your feelings. If you're not talking to a counselor, do so. 

That feeling of guilt and obligation is pretty tough. It's one that screwed me up in my own marriage and life (and WH/EH also had those issues with his, more than me), so I understand her situation and yours. It's not going to be an easy fix and it is likely to be one of the biggest emotional battles of her own life, based on what you have said. I'm sorry you guys are facing this.


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## Chuckp47 (Nov 11, 2011)

Toshiba2020 said:


> i would love to read what you said


Guess the reconciliation lovers didn't like what I said... . Short answer, run my friend. She is a user and you are a giver. Do not wait 3 years. In 3 years you'll be more monetarily and emotionally entrenched. She might also talk you into a baby by then as well. Start over, find a woman who is a giver and live in bliss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Just wanted to give a update, i sat down with my wife about a week ago. I let her know that our sex life wasent acceptable (not the first time shes heard that), showed her that i had kept track of the frequency, 18 times in 12 months and asked her if it bothered her that we live in a sexless marriage and that the average married couple has sex roughly 120 times a year. She said it doesnt bother her, she never worries or thinks about it. Said she would say something to her Dr about the bith control when she goes in 3 months but this is the same dr she saw 1 year ago that didnt think it was a problem. The only good news is i think she might be understanding the seriousness of the situation, i commented "is this how you want our marriage to look 5 years from now" and she replied "you wont stick around if it stays like this"

also found out shes afraid of getting pregnant, even though shes on BC and i use protection not to mention we have sex once a month. Apparently she is having second thoughts on having her own kids...i guess that means adoption? :scratchhead:

As for her family she said it wasent fair for me to expect to be a priority over her family, that myself and her family are equally important to her. She also feels that time spent with her family counts as time spent with me as long as im present.

She says she loves me and is attracted to me, agrees i do more than enough to help out around the house. When asked if she could change something about our marriage she would have me show more interest in her family, spend more time with them etc...

In summary she listened to all of my concerns but either denied that there was a problem or acknowledged the problem but had no intention to try and change anything.


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## Cobre (Feb 24, 2013)

Does she not trust you if there was to be a pregnancy? Her lack of respect and attitude of marriage digs a pit in my stomach when reading your story and I’m not even married to this woman.

"As for her family she said it wasent fair for me to expect to be a priority over her family"

That’s what marriage is...you are a proprity over her family now.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Interesting situation with the family. True, there are some families closer than others, but there def. seems like a family dynamic that seems overly codependent...borderline emotional incest. I wonder if there was a major trauma or family addiction issue that created this sort of lump-together family?...as it seems that your wife has this expected role that she grew up in and still identifies with performing in this function...regardless of getting married. It seems that the expectation was that you would enable that paradigm. I think this is a major issue...and it seems like she is not at the point to see it your way...that you are the expected one to bend your will to her family. UNHEALTHY!! She cannot be a mother/wife in this scenario...as her first priority is attending to family drama/needs/and babysitting. In her heart, she never moved away from home. Sex may be too much of an individual/adult relationship for her to conceptualize since she has not essentially graduated from daughter/sister.
Oh...and the cooking and cleaning that you do? I would put a halt to that...cos it is not being respected. i see that you are trying harder and harder to make her happy...but it is to no avail. You ought to put the brakes on this immediately...cos her family will take a mile with every inch that you give them. You give a pig a pancake...it's gonna want some syrup.
You aren't the problem here...you are encountering a whole generational dysfunction...and it is probably making you, in your young age, to be confused if you should be making a big deal out of this or not. IT IS A BIG DEAL. Your marriage is falling apart...and it seems like your wife has zero coping mechanisms, getting cranky and not being able to function without her family around.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

I feel I'm missing something here. She says she's afraid of getting pregnant, yet sex wasn't an issue when you guys were dating.
She's really close to her family, yet she was okay to get you to buy a house with her? Brother, something is missing in her response. The truth is missing.

You need to ask yourself a question - Are you ready to have an equal partnership with your wife's family? I certainly can't. The only person/people I consider okay to have a higher priority than me with my wife would be my kids, not her parents. How much do you guys give them monthly? How much financial help?

I think you're being taken for a ride one way or another. It's up to you to decide whetjer or not you're okay with it. I know I wouldn't be, but that's just me.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Toshiba2020 said:


> In summary she listened to all of my concerns but either denied that there was a problem or acknowledged the problem but had no intention to try and change anything.


That's because dismissing your concerns has always worked in the past, so why listen to them now. You don't impose any consequences on her behavior with the one exception of saying you wouldn't buy tht house - and that worked. 

You're a doormat and you have trained her to be an entitled b!tch. 

You do not discuss with such a person. You present conditions, with consequences, and stop talking. They either meet the conditions or you follow through with the consequences. 

You have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save the marriage. I would have laid papers on her loooooooong ago.

With things like putting the family in front of you - the response is "no problem, goodbye."


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