# Hall Pass



## featherduster44 (Jul 11, 2014)

I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this. My husband and I have been married 23 years. Background = we've been having problems in the area of sex, his drive is way higher than mine (I am on medication that lowers my drive and he knows this and I try the best I can). He went away for a week and wasn't in contact like he used to be. Things seemed "off" and my radar sensed something wasn't right. He left his computer open when he went out and I looked at some emails of his trip and one jumped out at me. A co-worker asked him if he enjoyed his "Hall Pass" and his response was "Im a front desk b**ch." Now this is extremely out of character as we are christians and he doesn't ever talk like that. I know he got wasted one night. Claimed his phone wasn't "plugged in right" so he couldn't call me. 
I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I don't want to be naive either. This isn't the first 'weird' thing to happen on these trips that his company has each summer.
Advice?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Well my girl if he really said, ""Im a front desk b**ch", you might inquire as to whose b**ch is he. If he was responding to his co-worker in reference to you, than kick his azz.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I have no idea what that means.


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## featherduster44 (Jul 11, 2014)

I am definitely very naive because I don't know what that means if it's in reference to me? :scratchhead:


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Is the other woman a receptionist at his company... Works the "front desk?"
He was away from the office for a week. 

She emailed him to ask if he is enjoying his "hall pass" or, his time away from her and possibly exploring other women. He responded, "I'm a front desk b---ch" or "oh, love, I am completely devoted to you."

Just speculation on my part. Could be anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Red flags are there. I would check his emails, fb account and look at his phone records. Texting becomes a really big thing for cheaters. texting a great deal.

As far as being ld have you talked with your doctor. I know medication can really drive it down and even cause dryness so talk with the doc if you have not.

Have you ever heard fake it to you make it. Just because you are LD does not mean you cannot be responsive to his needs as well.

Check out the red flags. Reference to a hall pass could be just a joke but I would worry


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## featherduster44 (Jul 11, 2014)

No - it was a guy friend colleague emailing him and asking him if he was enjoying his hall pass and he responding "I'm a front desk b.."

Other emails asked how he was feeling the next day (this was after the whole "my phone cord was plugged in wrong") and his response was "fantastic! Ouch."

My stomach is in knots


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

featherduster44 said:


> I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this. My husband and I have been married 23 years. Background = we've been having problems in the area of sex, his drive is way higher than mine (I am on medication that lowers my drive and he knows this and I try the best I can).


Is it an SSRI? How often does he go out of town? Work late? etc?


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

In my opinion the fact that he says he is a front desk b**ch means that he doesn't need a hall pass, he is far beyond that. 

By the way, the fact that you're sincere about trying the best you can in your sex life but medication affects you in a negative way towards sex, I give you a lot of credit for trying, that's all anyone can ask for.

If my wife had a low drive due to medication she needs then so be it, I will deal with it. There are a ton of reasons that couples turn away from sex and intimacy that can be open to criticism. Medical reasons is not one of them imo. 

Also, don't let the religious factor play too much into how much you trust someone. Look at how many big name preachers that claimed to be holier than thou only to be exposed having chicks on the side.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

roostr said:


> In my opinion the fact that he says he is a front desk b**ch means that he doesn't need a hall pass, he is far beyond that.
> 
> By the way, the fact that you're sincere about trying the best you can in your sex life but medication affects you in a negative way towards sex, I give you a lot of credit for trying, that's all anyone can ask for.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## featherduster44 (Jul 11, 2014)

Yes, an SSRI and several others for migraine prevention. I get severe migraines and the meds for those don't help the situation. I have always trusted explanations that seemed off to me. I have come out in the past and asked point blank if he's always been faithful.

He doesn't go away a lot, no. It's only once a year for a week with the company. Two years ago I found a picture on his phone that someone took and forwarded to him with him and some girl. He had his arm around her and the caption said, "And the winner is..." He blew it off. He is so good at making it seem like everything is nothing. I always feel like I am the one who is just paranoid.
 We have four children that I care for, some with special needs and I work from home also, so there are a lot of stressors. Sometimes it just feels like it's all going to come apart some day. Maybe it has...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

If he's calling himself that, then he may have explored another side of his sexuality. Extremely odd way to reference himself in a message considering he's a guy.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

featherduster44 said:


> Yes, an SSRI and several others for migraine prevention. I get severe migraines and the meds for those don't help the situation. I have always trusted explanations that seemed off to me. I have come out in the past and asked point blank if he's always been faithful.
> 
> He doesn't go away a lot, no. It's only once a year for a week with the company. Two years ago I found a picture on his phone that someone took and forwarded to him with him and some girl. He had his arm around her and the caption said, "And the winner is..." *He blew it off. He is so good at making it seem like everything is nothing. * I always feel like I am the one who is just paranoid.
> We have four children that I care for, some with special needs and I work from home also, so there are a lot of stressors. Sometimes it just feels like it's all going to come apart some day. Maybe it has...


That's because its no big deal to him.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Where was he when he was away for a week? Was he working in another office?

I ask because I sometimes attend conferences, and on occasion, I might have to fill in at one of the booths...at which point, I would tell an inquiring co-worker that I was a "booth bunny" as that is a common term for someone with booth duty.

Maybe your H was asked to man the front desk, so he replied that his "hall pass" from work amounted to being a "front desk b*tch" during his time away. 

That's the least compromising explanation I can think of. Especially as I have no idea what a front desk b actually is other than 1)a b*tchy person at the front desk, or 2) everyone's b*tch (slave) because they are sitting at the front desk.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Um, I would definitely say something is up. And do not let him just "blow it off". You deserve a FULL and DETAILED explanation after things like that, and I would not accept any less. No more thinking "well maybe I'm just crazy." You're not crazy, that's weird.

If he gives you an explanation that makes sense to you and you can be reassured with that nothing is out of the ordinary, then you can move past it.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

featherduster44 said:


> Yes, an SSRI and several others for migraine prevention. I get severe migraines and the meds for those don't help the situation. I have always trusted explanations that seemed off to me. I have come out in the past and asked point blank if he's always been faithful.
> 
> He doesn't go away a lot, no. It's only once a year for a week with the company. Two years ago I found a picture on his phone that someone took and forwarded to him with him and some girl. He had his arm around her and the caption said, "And the winner is..." He blew it off. He is so good at making it seem like everything is nothing. I always feel like I am the one who is just paranoid.
> We have four children that I care for, some with special needs and I work from home also, so there are a lot of stressors. Sometimes it just feels like it's all going to come apart some day. Maybe it has...


VAR under the drivers seat. You'll get what you need in short order.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, I would be going into stealth mode and gathering evidence. He isn't going to tell you the truth, so start investigating. VAR, keylogger, whatever it takes. 

It sounds to me like he spends his yearly week away acting like a single sex fiend


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## featherduster44 (Jul 11, 2014)

Norajane,
It's at a conference center, yes. And what you described was my first thought and he did have to keep checking the entrance of the conference to make sure this slideshow was working.

There are just too many things that don't seem right - why ask about a "hall pass" - why ask how are things this morning? and why answer "fantastic! ouch." Why lie about a cord not being plugged in right? I am not THAT stupid.


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## featherduster44 (Jul 11, 2014)

What's VAR?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

voice activated recorder


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

featherduster44 said:


> Norajane,
> It's at a conference center, yes. And what you described was my first thought and he did have to keep checking the entrance of the conference to make sure this slideshow was working.
> 
> There are just too many things that don't seem right - *why ask about a "hall pass" - why ask how are things this morning? and why answer "fantastic! ouch." * Why lie about a cord not being plugged in right? I am not THAT stupid.


Like I said, the hall pass could be a hall pass from work/the office. Fantastic/ouch could be drinking heavily the night before at a conference event and having fun, plus a hangover the next day. Or even sarcasm about the fantastic part due to hangover.

Or it could be something more nefarious. You know your husband best. Is he a liar? Does he have integrity? Is he frequently vague about his whereabouts and what he does? Are there other confusing or unexplained things that he does or says?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
Just keep in mind that many people use very different language around coworkers than they do at home. The language itself may not mean anything.

Is "frond desk Bi***" a known phrase? If not it could be something completely innocent at work, like he was forced to be the person who gave out company info to visitors for a while. Or it could be suspicious.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

In situations like these, if your gut is telling you something, you would be doing yourself a disservice if you ignore it. It may seem extreme, but what others have suggested about evidence gathering is your best option.

VARs (voice activated recorder) are a great tool for verifying or dismissing your suspicions. You can buy them at Walmart, Best Buy, Office Depot and various other stores (on-line too). You can get a good one with good battery life and other useful features for under $40 in most cases.

Look up a TAM member named 'Weightlifter' using the forum search feature, he has a detailed post about VARs and evidence gathering. He reposts it pretty often, you should be able to find it (or maybe someone can post a link in this thread)


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I have no idea how you get cheating from "I'm a front desk *****".


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Hicks said:


> I have no idea how you get cheating from "I'm a front desk *****".


You don't, you get it from "hall pass".


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I'm not so sure this is a cheating thing either... I've heard "front desk" in reference to being one of those kids in school that sits at the front and kisses the teacher's butt; the teacher's b-word...

Given "hall pass" also have a school meaning, and it's a business trip (seminar or training?).. It might be in reference to whatever class they are taking. Is that friend there too? I could see him being stuck in some lame seminar your husband was excused from or in another just as lame seminar... it'd just be banter about being in school again.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hicks said:


> I have no idea how you get cheating from "I'm a front desk *****".





Nucking Futs said:


> You don't, you get it from "hall pass".


And him brushing off the pic of him with his arm around another woman captioned 'And the winner is...'. And saying his phone wasn't plugged in. And saying he was 'fantastic? ouch' when asked the morning after.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Hicks said:


> I have no idea how you get cheating from "I'm a front desk *****".


The OP is seeking advice on how to deal with her gut feeling that there is something wrong. Gut feelings in relation to someone youve known for years can not always be explained to others. The words he used could have been anything, his body language, tone, and other ques that caught the attention of the OP is what matters, and the only sensible advice is to verify or dismiss her suspicions.


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

I always thought the interpretation of " hall pass " as an evening to do whatever and whomever you choose to thus it seems as if he's already done something he should not had IMHO ??!!

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

featherduster44 said:


> Advice?


Start doing your husband. Often.

Anyway, regarding this hall pass business, I don't think I'd jump to conclusions just yet. When my family is out of town I'll often tell friends that I'm a bachelor for the weekend. It doesn't mean that I'm hanging at the strip club or picking up women in bars. It just means that I'm not doing the dishes until Sunday evening and probably wearing my boxers all day. His "hall pass" may simply mean that he's away from you for the weekend.


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## featherduster44 (Jul 11, 2014)

I guess I'll just have a talk again because now I really don't know what to think or feel, but I do thank you all for the many different points of view.

In regards to:


> Start doing your husband. Often.


 - if you have four children under the age of 12, work from home eight hours a day, deal with two children, one with ADHD/severe anxiety and one with major medical issues, and you suffer severe chronic headaches for over 32 years of your life and you still wake up, put on a smile, try to please your husband, have relations as much as you possibly can, THEN you can offer me advice. If not, shut it.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I'm less concerned now since you said it was a MALE coworker email that you found. Since we are in an infidelity thread, I mistakenly leapt to the conclusion that the emailer was female.

Sounds like he expected to have a fun couple of days away from the office, but got stuck working a registration desk or something.

Still, keep an eye out. Probably nothing, probably just drinks a little more than he should when he's away .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Her husband called himself the 'front desk b!tch' to another guy. That doesn't raise alarm bells??

Taken individually, nothing seems out of sorts, but taken all together, OP, your husband either has a warped sense of humour or IS cheating.

You need to investigate.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Her husband called himself the 'front desk b!tch' to another guy. That doesn't raise alarm bells??


It doesn't to me. What does that say to you that it raises alarm bells?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

norajane said:


> It doesn't to me. What does that say to you that it raises alarm bells?





Hope1964 said:


> Taken individually, nothing seems out of sorts, but taken all together, OP, your husband either has a warped sense of humour or IS cheating.


Like I keep saying, TAKEN TOGETHER all these little quips are alarming.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

edit:

civility


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Hope1964 said:


> Like I keep saying, TAKEN TOGETHER all these little quips are alarming.


Maybe it depends on the age... If he'd said "bang out the erasers after class" I can't imagine how younger people would see that in an infidelity forum. btw; that's from the felt eraser and chalk dust the 'front desk brown nosing b****' would do to get in the good graces of his teacher... I'm just not seeing sexual overtures there.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Lets look at this in context. Where do we get hall passes? School of course. Who sets at the front desk? The teacher. Applying this same thing to his situation, it is a strict individual that doesn't give you much slack. To be honest I think this sounds like an exaggeration of a sexually frustrated man.

I know your drive is low, but still need to really try your best to add as much intimacy into the relationship. This does not have to always be sexual intercourse. Still I would check phone records and be vigilant just in case.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Im confused, making assumptions about the possibility of infidelity is being called far fetched, yet no one seems to mind when assumptions are made about his level of sexual satisfaction with her. She asked for advice about her gut feeling that something is amiss, she didnt manufacture the emails/texts in question, nor is she at fault for him being unable/unwilling to give a proper explanation without belittling/marginalizing her feelings. I also dont see how the gender of the person he is talking to matters, in fact, the first thing that popped into my mind when I read the "ouch" comment was that he was talking about his anus, so unless it was a chick that was into pegging, a guy would make more sense.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

How are you feeling?

Fantastic. Ouch,

I took this to mean he was feeling an awful hangover the next morning. I didn't get anything sexual out of it. 

I guess it's all speculation. Who knows
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> That doesn't raise alarm bells??


No, not for me and here is why.
Everyone is going off how she wrote the sentence in the OP.

Featherduster44 did you pay attention to the punctuation? Did you pay attention to the spelling?

The slang I know, if written correctly, would look like this:

I'm the king, (you) B!TCH.
B!tch, (You) better recognize.
Game recognize Game, (you)B!tch.

Please remove the "you" from the sentences above for our international readers.

So, now that I know it is a male to male conversation, to me he was doing a poor job of imitating inner city slang. 

In other words, "I AM the front desk, (you) B!tch.



Hall Pass = Freedom from his wife.
Ouch = Drunk
I'm the front desk, B!tch = I run my house it wasn't a hall pass.
Nope, I am not saying I am right, but that's how it initially read to me since he was a guy. More so now that I find out it is two guys.


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## Trader1 (Oct 27, 2013)

featherduster44 said:


> In regards to: - if you have four children under the age of 12, work from home eight hours a day, deal with two children, one with ADHD/severe anxiety and one with major medical issues, and you suffer severe chronic headaches for over 32 years of your life and you still wake up, put on a smile, try to please your husband, have relations as much as you possibly can, THEN you can offer me advice. If not, shut it.


With that said, I'm amazed this is the first time your suspicions have been aroused.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Trader1 said:


> With that said, I'm amazed this is the first time your suspicions have been aroused.


It isn't.



> Two years ago I found a picture on his phone that someone took and forwarded to him with him and some girl. He had his arm around her and the caption said, "And the winner is..." He blew it off. He is so good at making it seem like everything is nothing. I always feel like I am the one who is just paranoid.


This is the one that stuck.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

featherduster44 said:


> In regards to: - if you have four children under the age of 12, work from home eight hours a day, deal with two children, one with ADHD/severe anxiety and one with major medical issues, and you suffer severe chronic headaches for over 32 years of your life and you still wake up, put on a smile, try to please your husband, have relations as much as you possibly can, THEN you can offer me advice. If not, shut it.


yeah we all have our own challenges and pains to deal with, especially as we age!:rofl:

BUT, for me at least, sex is soooo important that I find a way. If it cant be PIV sex, its something else, like maybe a sudsy masturbation sesson in the shower. If I cant do the deed, I make sure she is fully satisfied orally or manually. 

obviously you are not going to get laid when you have a severe headache. But do you have headaches 24/7? When you feel good, walk into the room and jump his bones. Even if its only once a week, make sue it gets done! If it cant be PIV sex, then try something else, the internet can give you maybe a thousand other types of sex to try on him.

And the kids...that sounds like an excuse, not a reality. Kids go to bed. Kids can visit friends and relatives. You can LOCK the bedroom door, play some loud music. There are ways to have a kinky sex life despite a trove of rug rats.

the danger is that a man who seldom gets sex...his body is wired to go find it elsewhere. Maybe he is a saint and fights that feeling, maybe he has a couple drinks and it take him over....why roll those dice. Make sure he is at least getting SOME


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## featherduster44 (Jul 11, 2014)

> And the kids...that sounds like an excuse, not a reality.


 Whatever. Clearly you haven't a clue.

I did have a long talk. Almost everything checked out. He did have too much to drink (something he knows I have a major hang up with which is why he didn't call). No big deal. I know he's going to drink when he's away and it's not a biggie - he's a big boy and can make his own decisions in that regard.

The ONLY thing still nagging me about the conversation we had was when I said to him that I just have this gut feeling he's not being honest. I told him I just feel like SOMETHING has happened whether it was this past week or in the past, that I couldn't get past this nagging gut feeling. He didn't say anything for a long time. He then said, "I don't want to lie to you and say something did happen just to resolve something in your gut." :scratchhead:

I thought that was odd?


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Contrary to (sad to say) popular belief, a "gut feeling" isn't evidence of anything: it's called "paranoia," to be accurate. You're interpreting a text message to a guy friend, and over-reacting to a picture of him with his arm around a girl (not grabbing her boob, not in a hot tub with her, not kissing her...his arm around her), and now you've got it cooked up that he's cheating on you. His statement makes perfect sense: you're telling him, you're not believe what he says, that you're simply convinced he's not being honest, which leaves him in a no-win position. He can keep saying what he has already said - which you don't believe - or he can tell you a lie, that will validate your "gut" feeling. He's completely backed into a corner.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

changedbeliefs said:


> Contrary to (sad to say) popular belief, a "gut feeling" isn't evidence of anything: it's called "paranoia," to be accurate.


No it isn't paranoia, "to be accurate." LOL. Gut feeling is much closer to intuition than paranoia.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hicks said:


> I have no idea what that means.


A receptionist, or so Google informs me.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

changedbeliefs said:


> Contrary to (sad to say) popular belief, a "gut feeling" isn't evidence of anything: it's called "paranoia," to be accurate.


Cause you live with her and her husband and are qualified to dismiss her suspicions based on your intimate relationship with them both. If you do not live with them, I'm assuming you are clairvoyant and are able to read peoples minds across the interwebz, if its not either of those, your are just speculating, like everyone else is, and are just as removed from the actual situation as everyone other than the OP.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

featherduster44 said:


> The ONLY thing still nagging me about the conversation we had was when I said to him that I just have this gut feeling he's not being honest. I told him I just feel like SOMETHING has happened whether it was this past week or in the past, that I couldn't get past this nagging gut feeling. He didn't say anything for a long time. He then said, "I don't want to lie to you and say something did happen just to resolve something in your gut." :scratchhead:
> 
> I thought that was odd?


He's stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

He answered your questions, he can't prove that nothing happened because what possible means would he have to do that, yet you're not satisfied and still have a gut feeling. So you're still feeling bad, but there's really nothing more he can practically do or say to ease your misgivings. He can't satisfy you by telling the truth, which he already did, so what is left?

So, I'll ask you, are there other issues in your marriage that this is triggering? I mean, if you aren't satisfied with his answers, that means you think he's lying to you. Do you have this feeling that he's lying to you often?


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## NoRush (Jul 14, 2014)

You sound high strung. It's hard to tell if you're just paranoid or if there's validity to your gut feelings.

What I will say is this: keep it up and he's going to cheat. Then you'll say he's the bad guy, but the warning signs were all there.

Think about this for a second: your kids are so much a handful that you already feel like you can't breath, have pounding headaches and no interest in sex. He comes home from work and he experiences THE SAME THING with your kids. Yes, he experiences it for less time, but he DOES experience it. And he gets no sex because you don't feel like. AND he has to deal with your suspicions. The bottom line is that he may be feeling more comfortable away from home than in it. He may feel that you and he are just co-parents and cohabitants rather than allies, partners and lovers.

And that is why good men cheat.

I knew a guy -- also with four kids -- who would come home everyday, do lots of house keeping and ALL the yard work, but his wife was verbally abusive and would constantly criticize him as lazy even though all the other women in the neighborhood were jealous. He cheated. She gave an ultimatum: NC with OW or you're toast. He went for the R, but she had no intention of an R and after he had dumped the OW she took him to the cleaners AND turned the kids against him. Honestly? I don't blame him for his infidelity. I knew them and I saw the way she treated him. His failing was not having the courage to confront his wife. His failing was in thinking that he should endure a toxic relationship for the sake of his kids.

You're not that woman. To my knowledge you haven't been verbally or emotionally abusing your husband. But you're treating him with suspicion and cutting him off physically. That's not a whole lot better.

I'm not trying to diminish your role as a mother or the stress it puts on you. And FFS don't think for a second that I'm automatically excusing your husband if he has cheated on you. But it strikes me that you feel that since you're married to him already you don't have to fight for your relationship.

You do. Every day. The people who forget that cheat or are cheated on.

You're not to blame for your circumstances. The burden isn't all on you to make it better. But if you want this marriage to work, you need to fight for it. You've realized there's a problem. Either he hasn't or he's checked out. You NEED a get well plan. NOW. 

You've already told him that you're suspicious of his behavior on the trip. You can say something like:

"Honey, this has been a wake-up call. I've never doubted you before. I realize now why I'm harboring these suspicions. I feel like we are growing apart. I want to find a way to restore some of that intimacy we used to have."

IMPORTANT POINT: if you want this to work, DON'T blame yourself and DON'T blame him. You need to be ALLIES.

As for your gut feelings? Maybe he cheated. Maybe he's innocent. Does it REALLY matter either way? All the horror stories you read about here or elsewhere come from cake eaters. From what I see I think your husband is missing intimacy. Which, I might add, IS THE SAME THING YOU ARE MISSING! The question is whether he's willing to check back in to the relationship. And, are you? Because, let's be clear here, you've prioritized motherhood FAR above being a wife. It's admirable to be a mother first, but don't short change the second.


Remember, we here can only judge your circumstances by what you tell us. But it's not only your words that matter, but HOW you behave. It jumped out at me that when people questioned you on intimacy and your commitment to it you IMMEDIATELY went on the defensive. "You try walking around with migraines."

I get migraines too. I'm at my worst when I get them. I'm irritable and I start yelling at people over little, tiny things. It's like I'm a completely different person. Finding biological triggers (e.g. in my case: certain medications, lack of sleep, too much bright light and loud, high-pitched noises) and shutting them out is critical. I've learned to change my habits so that I almost never get them.

Take ACTION.

Strategize.

GOOD LUCK.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Evidence: Inconclusive.

Hall Pass could easily mean being away from work for the conference. Front Desk ***** could easily mean he is at the beck and call of company VIP's at the event.

If your gut rubs you wrong and you have doubt go into stealth mode. Track his texts, put a voice activated recorder in his car, etc. If he is clean then you know you were a little paranoid - if he is dirty then you have a decision to make.

Recon activity doesn't always end up poorly - It proved to me my wife was faithful. Also showed me that her best friends husband was a total piece of **** and has been excommunicated stealthy since. (He hit on my wife numerous times via text and was consistently shot down.)


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## featherduster44 (Jul 11, 2014)

I wish I never made this post.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

featherduster44 said:


> I wish I never made this post.


Why is that?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

It’s a good place for those that know for sure that their spouse is cheating. 

It is a horrible place for those who just have redflags and that question of ‘is he cheating’… because the answer here is always overwhelmingly ‘yes’ in every circumstance. Seriously, I think if I mention my left socks keep disappearing and my wife does the laundry… I would get a “place a VAR because she’s probably giving them to the OM” response.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

changedbeliefs said:


> Contrary to (sad to say) popular belief, a "gut feeling" isn't evidence of anything: it's called "paranoia," to be accurate. You're interpreting a text message to a guy friend, and over-reacting to a picture of him with his arm around a girl (not grabbing her boob, not in a hot tub with her, not kissing her...his arm around her), and now you've got it cooked up that he's cheating on you. His statement makes perfect sense: you're telling him, you're not believe what he says, that you're simply convinced he's not being honest, which leaves him in a no-win position. He can keep saying what he has already said - which you don't believe - or he can tell you a lie, that will validate your "gut" feeling. He's completely backed into a corner.


Man, I disagree with that 100%.

You need to be able to distinguish between your fears and your instincts.

They can act and feel the same, but they aren't. I recommend meditation. Literally sit and feel it and just be with it.

I've never, ever, EVER had my actual instinct be wrong. There have been times I've confused it with my fears, or been overconfident or betrayed.

But every single time my instinct was there, quietly, pinging me... "something is wrong, something is wrong, something is wrong..."

Oh, and in my experience, instinct throws a flag. It usually doesn't tell you WHAT is wrong, just that something is.

Telling that someone is lying to you is a big one.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

waylan said:


> Evidence: Inconclusive.
> 
> Hall Pass could easily mean being away from work for the conference. Front Desk ***** could easily mean he is at the beck and call of company VIP's at the event.
> 
> ...


Me too. 

Trust but verify.

The last time I felt the need to do this with my wife is because she WAS deceiving me, but was simply planning an awesome surprise FOR me.

Instinct -> "something is wrong" can be false flags.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Racer said:


> Seriously, I think if I mention my left socks keep disappearing and my wife does the laundry… I would get a “place a VAR because she’s probably giving them to the OM” response.


Well that explains my missing socks, and I'm quite happy to know that the OM also has small Feet!
MN


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Mr. Nail said:


> Well that explains my missing socks, and I'm quite happy to know that the OM also has small Feet!
> MN


That's why my sock drawer is always full!


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## NoRush (Jul 14, 2014)

featherduster44 said:


> I wish I never made this post.


I get the feeling you are taking things too personally. Has it occurred to you that this might be a part of your problem?

Your gut is telling you something, but that something could be ANYTHING. It could even what you had for breakfast. We can only comment based on the little you impart on us.

My own suspicion is that your marriage is suffering. Your medical issues combined with raising four kids are leaving you in a bad place. But you also seem to respond negatively whenever anyone suggests you take action, as if you feel that we are shifting all responsibility -- and all blame -- on you. Not true. You are merely the one who is realizing a problem, which is why you have to be the one to take the initiative.

If you start strategizing, you might find that actionable ideas aren't as sparse as you at first thought. If someone comes up to me complaining about tight finances, my first questions will be: Do you have HBO? A smart phone? And it never occurs to most people that they could save thousands a year if they got rid of things they don't actually need.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I wouldn't start doing him until he had an STD test!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

featherduster, I have just read your thread and I know that you have already had a talk with your husband, but I thought that I would chime in with what I think the email exchange was about.

When I was a lot younger and we used to do exhibitions and trade shows, we would all have a rota duty to be available on the stand instead of wandering off to look at other stands or attend seminars during the exhibitions. A "hall pass" would be being given freedom to do just that - wander off and go to at other displays/stands, lectures, info gathering, networking - whatever. A "front desk b....." would probably be one who mans the reception on the stand (collecting business cards, scanning attendee badges, handing out literature etc - pain in the a$$ job). There were also "demo dollies" who had to demonstration of the product (software in our case) etc. With nearly every exhibition/conference that we attended, there were many heavy-drinking nights and it was often a struggle to stay bright-eyed and bushy-tailed on the stand the next day.

I don't know if that offers an explanation but that is what I would immediately think if I saw the email exchange - so it all could be quite innocent.

At the drinking sessions there were often instances of flirting that took place, and that may have caused your husband to pause and think when you asked him - as long as he has been faithful to you, I wouldn't be over-the-top-concerned but would generally keep an eye on him, but not stress too much about it.


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