# Advice



## justme2014 (Jul 5, 2014)

Hi,
First post. Hopefully I make sense. I am in my late 40s as is my wife. We've been married for 25 years. Have two kids who are both in their twenties. She is a SAHM until recently when she got a part time job. 
Our marriage is just going through the motions. There is no affection, sex or feelings. We are both unhappy. I care about her but do not desire her and the feeling is mutual. We hardly talk (that may mostly be my fault). Over the years, we have had several discussions in which she has pointed out my shortcomings. These conversations include everything that she has done 'for this family' over the past 25 years. I am not writing this to bash her only to give background. Here's background on me: I do not smoke, drink, or go out without her. I hear my colleagues talking about going out all the time to grab a drink and talk. They've asked me in the past but I say no because it will lead to a fight between us. She does not drive, although she can, so whenever she needs to go somewhere, I'm driving. She says that I do not do enough and am 'not the man of the house' because she has to ask/ tell me to do/ fix things around the house. I work a full time job. I come home and do laundry, clean and vacuum. Not every day but I have no problem doing this - and I'm not told or asked. 
There is no sex in our marriage and there hasn't been for a long time - I've tried. There is no affection between us (hugs, kisses, saying I love you)
I'm at a point where I think we need some time apart. Is this selfish?? I really don't want to hurt her but I also don't want to be like this. Please offer any suggestions and I'll provide more info if needed. Not sure where to go with this.
Thank you


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## hesitationmarks (Jan 30, 2014)

If the marriage is essentially emotional dead on the wife's side then the marriage is over. Your wife is now working getting male attention, which is something you never provide to her over the last 10 years or longer? She likely died emotionally halfway through the marriage. Now the kids are gone out of the house, she has no reason to stay. Good Luck if you want to save it. Sounds pretty bleak though. Read Married Man Sex Life tonight.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Sorry you are here. Sounds close to what I was dealing with. I was in your position about three years ago. Married for 20 years. This is a long time, with no children mind you. This should tell you there was a lot of time for us. But in fact there was little time for us. She suffered from a lot of ailments. A cancer scare forced her to have her stomach removed. Her father died of this. She had worked most of her life and finally told me she couldn't work anymore because of her hip problems. Which was okay me, she had a good pension and I work for a great LEA in Cali, still do. She didn't like to cook and the only cleaning she did was vacuum. I did everything else.

As you can Imagine after working 12 hour days, there was little left for me on my four days off, but I still wanted the bedroom stuff, I'm HD mind you. I always got oral from her, but not without some nudging. This crap got old. I finally told her I was not happy, was falling out of love and wanted a divorce. She tried to change things, but it was only to get me to stay. I always wanted children and she did not. The inevitable came about and I walked. Three years later, never happier. Bottom line to my ramble, she has to want to be physical and want to love you and be tender with you, if not, then go find your happiness. If I can at 41, so can you. It's not easy but it is doable. Good luck.


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## justme2014 (Jul 5, 2014)

Thanks for the advice/ help. It's not so much the sex as the lack of intimacy and desire. There's just nothing there. I'm thinking a separation. Am I jumping the gun? We live in an in-law apartment at her parent's house so she would not be alone. Where do I begin with this? Very confused.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Very few couples get back together after separation. It’s usually just a stepping stone to divorce. So if you want to try to recovery your marriage do not do a separation.

Your relationship has been dying a slow death for years because of neglect. Since it was not high priority, what else would you expect to happen? It’s sad because this happens to a lot of marriages. Once the kids are gone, the couple realizes that they have nothing left together.

But it can be rebuilt. 

While your wife is not having an affair, there is a book that explains what is going on with her (well with you too) with both of you not meeting the other’s needs. My suggestion is that you read the book and learn how a marriage breaks down and why your wife feels as she does now. The book discusses Plan A. That’s what you need to start doing now.
The other books that will help you are “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. Do what these three books tell you to do. Eventually get your wife on board with the actions suggested. 

If you do all of that your wife and you will rekindle your love for each other and reap the rewards by living the rest of your lives in a good marriage.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I think EG pretty much nailed it, in terms of what you should do to save what you have. I repeatedly attempted over the years, to keep the spark alive. But over that period, you tend to take one another for granted. That's where I think a lot of relationships start to tear, at the seams. I think that desire, is one of the biggest components of a relationship. I mean you have to want each other. That's where it all starts. How did you come together in the beginning. All it takes is one person not being happy or fulfilled in a relationship. If one person keeps giving and the other taking, a huge amount of resentment starts to build. That seems to be, in my opinion, the destroyer of marriages.


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## unforgiven1 (Jun 25, 2014)

Rottdad42 said:


> I think EG pretty much nailed it, in terms of what you should do to save what you have. I repeatedly attempted over the years, to keep the spark alive. But over that period, you tend to take one another for granted. That's where I think a lot of relationships start to tear, at the seams. I think that desire, is one of the biggest components of a relationship. I mean you have to want each other. That's where it all starts. How did you come together in the beginning. All it takes is one person not being happy or fulfilled in a relationship. If one person keeps giving and the other taking, a huge amount of resentment starts to build. That seems to be, in my opinion, the destroyer of marriages.


That speaks volumes. I'm in this same spot, but with about 1/2 the marriage time and 3 young kids. I'm giving it my all because I want it, and my wife is deflecting and cold. Still looking in the possibility of an affair due to several signs, but none the less it sucks.


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## Briana266 (Jul 14, 2015)

Sounds like me with my husband there is no affection barely, sex or barely anything and I'm sick of it were fighting all the time and I'm trying to stay away from him like we're seperated in the same house and we have 3 kids so it's hard. I feel so lonely and don't know what to do.


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## Briana266 (Jul 14, 2015)

Sorry I'm new on this site and not too sure how it works yet


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## Briana266 (Jul 14, 2015)

Just realized your post was from a year ago oops!


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

unforgiven1 said:


> That speaks volumes. I'm in this same spot, but with about 1/2 the marriage time and 3 young kids. I'm giving it my all because I want it, and my wife is deflecting and cold. Still looking in the possibility of an affair due to several signs, but none the less it sucks.


Please do not have an affair. You're not "saving your wife's feelings" or "protecting your family." You're lying and cheating. She will find out, no matter how much you believe you can get away with it, and it will permanently damage your relationship with your kids. Not to mention tear her apart inside, and wound her in a way from which she may never recover.

If your marriage sucks and you've tried to save it in earnest and she's refused all efforts, leave. Leave honorably. Then find someone that gives you what you need. Be a man and be alone for a while, while trying to be the best Dad you can. Don't be a coward.


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