# How to act around the stbxw



## paperclip (Feb 24, 2011)

I have been separated for over a year and my STBXW has been with a new guy ever since I left. (Which means she probably was seeing him before I left). When I left I just left because I knew she was talking to other guys outside the marriage and I guess my leaving just gave her an excuse to be single. She has been with him for a year, he has been on family vacations with her family and my daughter. They are pretty serious yet don’t live together. They both live with their parents. I do still get upset some positive changes shes made in her life. However, she is obsessed with this new guy and it seams to be going on for a year. She made their relationship public knowelge on facebook about 2 months after I left.

Here is the thing, my soon to be ex wife still likes doing things together a family. Since I am still hurt, I don’t always seam to be my happy go lucky self around her. Knowing that as soon as were done hanging out, shes going back to hangout with her boyfriend with my daughter. She says it is good for our daughter to see us talking together.

My stbxw thinks there is nothing wrong with our daughter and she is perfectly fine with the divorce. However, when I pick her up she always says she doesn’t want to go to daddies house. But when her mother picks up her, she doesn’t want to go back to mommys house. 

I think this is affecting our daughter and my ex thinks she is perfectly fine and happy with her boyfriend.

Ugh. How should I act around her? We are bringing her trick or treating tonight. I think she feels guility about her cheating in the marriage and us acting like friends around our daughter gives her the comfort that everything is alright.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Paperclip,

Regarding your daughter, I would read some post divorce parenting books. When it comes to introducing significant others to the children of seaparated and/or divorced couples, the books suggest rather strongly that a minimum of six (6) months of serious dating should occur prior to the introduction to children.

Now some, like your stbxw and my xw, do not appear to care about that. The concern is that quick introductions to children with just casual dating patners can lead to abandonment issues. A child starts liking someone and then they are gone. So at least your ex's guy is still around. As much as you don't like it (and I'm not saying I condone what she has done) at least it hasn't been transient.

Seondly, if you have concerns about your daughter's mental well being, you should consider counseling for her. I don't know your backstory, so I don't know her age, but regardless, I would highly recommend that avenue for her.

You obviously still have an emotional hope and connection with your stbxw. I say that based on your statement of "how should I act around her?". That is the statement of someone still allowing their stbxw to control them through their own emotions. It is understandable, I did as well until one day I didn't. From then on, thinking how I should act around my ex was irrelevant. I was just me. 

See I took my journey through separation and divorce as a time of reflection and improvement. So when I did lose that last shard of hope, I was a better man because I had looked within myself, read books and books about being a strong man, a divorced parent, etc.

In the end, my ex has lost out on what I am now. Her loss and another's gain one day.

Just so you know, my ex didn't make my journey easy for that detachment. She was engaged to be married prior to the finalization of our divorce and it wasn't even with the guy she cheated on me with or the one after that. 

And yes I have a child with her, a son. You might want to know how I treat her now. I treat her like the only thing she is to me, which is the mother of my child. Outside of that I treat her like I would any other woman I have no interest in. We don't do "family" things together because we aren't a family and that would be a lie to my son. I don't bad mouth her in front of him, I don't argue with her in front of him (don't do that outside of him either), I support her when she punishes him for some infraction and she does likewise. 

So how do you act around her? Act like you don't give a [email protected]#$ about her, keep your head high and smile to your little girl, for she is the only thing that matters.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

I agree that counseling may be beneficial to your daughter.

I would also suggest that you stop being friends with your STBXW. She can not make you do these fake-family get togethers. She lost the right when you two separated. Based on your description, she seems to be cake-eating.

_Edit_ To be clear, you should be polite and civil to your STBXW - just not friendly.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I personally took the stance to leave my wayward wife's life altogether. I will do what I can for my daughter but if I can't be her husband, lover, and friend. I don't want to be anything. All or nothing.

It has helped me greatly and I agree that your wife seems to want the best of both worlds. She wants "what's best for your child/children" and the other man. That seems like an oxymoron to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dvejones (Oct 24, 2011)

I agree with not doing family events together. I have been separated for six months and not living together but would still get together as a "family" every chance I could get thinking this would hopefully lead us back together. I finally realized this was a lie and putting the wrong message to our two children and also to me. They cannot have thier cake and eat it too unless we let them. I am now doing the 180 and we will see how it goes. It has been 5 days with minimal contact. Be a strong person and live a great life and your child will see how you respond to challenges that you face.


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## paperclip (Feb 24, 2011)

Thank You everyone for your kind responses. 

I am now officially convinced that she does things just to hurt me....

I had a moment of weakness the other day when I asked her if she was 100% positive she wanted a divorce before I would mail back our settlement agreement. It had to be initialed before she would set a court date.

She took that as a chance to try and destroy me and bring me down further by rubbing the divorce in my face the next day (today). She totally does it on purpose and I don't understand how someone could do that to someone they were married too.


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## dvejones (Oct 24, 2011)

I quit trying to understand why my soon to be ex wife does what she does. Your wife can only hurt you and your feelings if you let her. I no longer put myself in the position to be hurt by unkind actions or harsh words. Accept it as it is and move forward. Put on a brave face when around her and also during interactions. You may not feel that but I have found it does me no good to show how hurt I am by my wifes new attitude and feelings. We have been married for 15 yrs, together for 17 and have two small kids. It has only been this past week when i have started to feel much better, it takes a while but you need to try for you


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You can now tell your stbx "Since we are divorcing, I won't be doing "family" things with you, because we are not family. Daughter and I will figure out our "new" family relationship."

Get all the holidays, birthdays, etc.... visitation figured out now so that it is equal sharing and NOT family days. You just love your daughter, and you two will forge a new kind of family ... which is ok.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The 180 degrees rules are to help you to emotionally heal and become strong enough to move on with your life with or without your spouse. They ARE NOT a manipulation tool to have your stbxw end her affair and recommit to the marriage.

Let me remind you of something that you should etch in your mind forever *the woman you fell in love and asked to marry you is GONE*. Repeat this over and over and over until it starts to sink in. This, along with the 180 degrees rules, will help you emotionally detach from your stbxw.

You may also want to click on the link below my signature titled 'No More Mr Nice Guy' and download a free copy of Dr Robert Glover's ebook, print it out, and read it many times. It should be required reading for every man from 18 to 80.


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

I refuse to do things with my stbxw. She says will will have to be together at parties, holidays, etc. I say no we won't. If a kid has a birthday on your week then have a party. When he gets to my house the following week he gets to have another party.

This year she has them on the week of Thanksgiving. That's fine. I get them mid-day on Friday and we will have Thanksgiving Friday evening and then I will enjoy being with them al that week until the following Friday.

I have the kids this year the week of Christmas. My wife is already trying to swap with me so she can have them Christmas morning. Nope. We have an arrangement - live with it.


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## paperclip (Feb 24, 2011)

Can anyone explain why, when i don't agree to whatever my stbxw wants, she tries to hurt me and uses the child as a pawn?

I am such an ahole and how i should just take my parenting class and sign the papers asap...

But when i agree with her she wants to do lunch??!!?


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

Sounds like my wife kind of. She had this vision of us being best friends, sitting next to each other at functions, her eating over at my house, laughing, hahahaha. Sorry, I can't do that. It was a very hard blow to her when she realized that I was not going to be there for her after our divorce. She really didn't expect me to react the way I did when she filed for divorce. She is really crushed by it. I don't get that. A few times I had said something nice to her and she tells me how that makes her feel good and she wants to hug me. I just don't get it.


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## headazed (Nov 6, 2011)

What the heck did both our stbxw's go to the same seminar on how to be vindictive? I just got off the phone with mine, after telling her i'll be taking my daughter to the doc's tomorrow instead of today she flew off the handle, telling i can't handle being a dad and that shes going to court for full custody. The weirdest part of the conversation was that she was upset that i did'nt call her over the weekend because i supposedly knew her boyfriend was there and accused me of not wanting her to be happy because of it.!!??!?


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

paperclip said:


> Thank You everyone for your kind responses.
> 
> I am now officially convinced that she does things just to hurt me....
> 
> ...


Hard truth? It's because she's a *****. 

I had the same thing with my STBXW, "oh you can come over here anytime, I'll give you horse riding lessons, we're getting a gym built so you can come and use that, I'll always be your friend..." 

It's all crap. All it does it hurt you and keeps you stuck in neutral whilst she goes off and does whatever the hell she pleases whilst also hammering you with the most insidious emotional blackmail. 

Sack her off completely. If she's so happy with her other Man, then why the need to keep you dangling like a worm on a hook for her own amusement. It seems partly motivated like guilt, like if you can be alright around her then you have somehow forgiven her, and she doesn't have to feel as bad about herself. 

Worse, you are taking on this nonsense as if you are the bad guy, and you are believing it! 

Why on Earth your biggest worry should be how you act around her is beyond me. You shouldn't be around her at all in my opinion. She wants to live her own life without you? Then grant her her wish. Cut her off. 

The best way to act around an ex like that is to not be around her at all. Put firm boundaries in place, stick to them, and don't feel like you have to explain yourself. I think she's got you hooked emtionally, and is happy to keep you as "Plan F" or worse, one of her orbiting people in her life she can turn to when things go to sh!t for her. 

What she needs is a cold hard dose of reality. 

What you need to do is have a good look at information regarding Narcissitic Personality Disorder. 

I am convinced my Wife is NPD, and you need to break the hell away from her ASAP for the sake of your own self respect and possibly your sanity.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Cordial and business like since the two of you two have a child together.


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## paperclip (Feb 24, 2011)

The Count said:


> Hard truth? It's because she's a *****.
> 
> I had the same thing with my STBXW, "oh you can come over here anytime, I'll give you horse riding lessons, we're getting a gym built so you can come and use that, I'll always be your friend..."
> 
> ...


Thank you for this response. I printed it out and will be reading it everyday!


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