# Long drawn out saga... can it be fixed?



## Lostlittlewife (Aug 27, 2012)

Hi, new to this forum and have read through quite a few threads already hoping to find the answer which I really know anyway


So to give you the jist of things
Been married for 28yrs, 3 wonderful kids and now 4 beautiful grandchildren, love my family and extended family so much.
My own childhood was crap (can I say that?) no affection or love demonstrated which made me determined to be extra loving to my kids.
Left home at 16, entered nursing but gave it up when I met my 'to be husband'. Got raped at 18 and a child born from that (not husbands). He found it hard to deal with.
Child born with severe disability at 20 ( still has the disability) Got married and had good years, felt happy and contented. The a series of miscarriages which led me into depression (not treated at the time)
Finally, got pregnant successfully again and felt in top of world. Depression was in remission or it felt so.
Life was ok, marriage was ok.. we rowed but made up. Sex was ok, normal.
My Mother took till and died suddenly, I was 29 (she and I never really got on, though efforts were made on my part to repair the relationship) I went back into depression and felt my husband shut down to me emotionally.
He went into depression too and I felt I had to be strong for him, I battled with antidepressants (which put weight on me and only added to my Glucose intolerance which developed during pregnancy) I ended up about 3 stone heavier as a result but got off them and tried to help my husband. I took ill after my mother died, cancer and had surgery and treatment.. got the all clear and so felt things were improving.
Cutting this saga short, ( it is very long) My husband had abut affair in 2001 and I found out. Confronted him, usual... he denied but eventually admitted it and another shock,.. he had been having an affair with his brothers wife for 19yr of our marriage..on and off during that time. I was devastated, but loved him and so desperately wanted to keep my marriage alive.. I battled in myself but forgave him and we were reconciled. He, for the next few years was loving and kindly, sex was the same as before but less frequently.
Then I took ill again, had lumpectomy and this time did not require treatment, but the depression took a great hold of me and I went down, very down. At this time, my husband had withdrawn from me emotionally, I sensed his distance. we rarely spoke, sex was maybe twice a yr and intimacy... non existent.
Gradually over the course of 3 yrs till now.. he drew away, mentally, emotionally, physically and intimately. Last time we had sex was 3 yrs ago. He says he is not interested in me. We separated but remained in the same house, 16 weeks ago, he in one room and me in the other, nothing was said, until last week, I remained in the hope we could be reconciled. I love him, and want to be with him. But he has not said he doe not see a future with me in it, yet there is no one else. I do not understand what has goen wrong or happened.
He says he does not find me desirable but if he came home drunk, he would ask if I wanted to sleep with him!!

Can I ever hope to have a marriage restored?
Should I walk away despite my love for him?
Sorry its so long, but needed to give full picture.


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

Like you said, you know the answer. I think he is out of the relationship. The fact is you shouldnt go after him. You seem like a nice girl but you just had a rough life. He is adding to this. You deserve better.


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## Lostlittlewife (Aug 27, 2012)

chiben said:


> Like you said, you know the answer. I think he is out of the relationship. The fact is you shouldnt go after him. You seem like a nice girl but you just had a rough life. He is adding to this. You deserve better.


Thanks for your reply, I realise it seems like I am going after him, but when you've been with someone for such a long time, it's very difficult to see another life without them in it. I am trained counsellor and while I counsel others to try and repair the breaches, I find I cannot tell myself to do anything other than my own advice..


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

Lostlittlewife said:


> Thanks for your reply, I realise it seems like I am going after him, but when you've been with someone for such a long time, it's very difficult to see another life without them in it. I am trained counsellor and while I counsel others to try and repair the breaches, I find I cannot tell myself to do anything other than my own advice..


You are used to him, thats what makes it hard. Also you are probably scared because you dont know how it will be without him. You will see that it will be better because even in the worst case, he wont be able to do anything to bring you down. Dont you agree?


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## Lostlittlewife (Aug 27, 2012)

chiben said:


> You are used to him, thats what makes it hard. Also you are probably scared because you dont know how it will be without him. You will see that it will be better because even in the worst case, he wont be able to do anything to bring you down. Dont you agree?


I have been scared, but not now. Is it wrong to want to reconcile to someone you love deeply?
I see what you're saying, but and there is it... that but! 


I am scared to try again, I would be lying if I said I had not considered it... I really don't know, I thought I wanted out, but then he does little things to make me feel he cares and wants me back.. and I get confused.


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

It sounds like you have been trying in the last three years though...


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Lost....i have had some similar incidences in my life from being raped at 14 by a boy two years older and came from a poor alcoholic family with an abusive father to name the two biggest difficulties. You have dealt with a tremendous amount of heartache and pain. The child as a constant reminder of the rape is unimaginable and dont know how i would cope with that while still loving the child. You are very strong to have made it this far. I did not begin to get help for my issues until decades later. I am finally dealing with years of pain i tucked away. My suggestion is to first start with getting help for coming to terms with the things you've gone through then work on figuring out the marriage part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostlittlewife (Aug 27, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Lost....i have had some similar incidences in my life from being raped at 14 by a boy two years older and came from a poor alcoholic family with an abusive father to name the two biggest difficulties. You have dealt with a tremendous amount of heartache and pain. The child as a constant reminder of the rape is unimaginable and dont know how i would cope with that while still loving the child. You are very strong to have made it this far. I did not begin to get help for my issues until decades later. I am finally dealing with years of pain i tucked away. My suggestion is to first start with getting help for coming to terms with the things you've gone through then work on figuring out the marriage part.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sad, I know that is something I need to sort out, but while this is going on, it's very difficult to get your mind around anything else.
Everything is very raw and fresh and hurts like hell. 
To realise the man you loved and devoted your life too, no longer wants you or has any desire to fix what's wrong.
I know my husband has a thing where he will not discuss heart matters, he does not want to know about emotions or feelings.. that too is hard for him. He talks about reality but cannot face the reality of what he is doing.. it was his decision to draw away from me, and his decision to say our marriage is over not mine.


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