# For those trying to R - How did you ever believe or accept the 'truth'?



## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

I am still in no man's land and it is a painful place to be. I am paralyzed by indecision.

My biggest road block is that I don't believe ANYTHING he says. Nothing. After finally found out he lied about the sex I believe nothing. He says at this point I know everything and he doesn't want to lie to me anymore but I am so stung by lies I don't believe him. I know I can never move on if I don't believe I am getting the truth.....but what if I am and I can't accept it as the truth?

I constantly say 'I don't believe you', 'Please, just telling me the truth' and he says there is nothing more and I know everything.....but even hours before finding out he was lying he was saying the *exact *same words.

Is this yet another part of this that takes time?
I just want to make a decision. It is so hard.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

For my own peace of mind I chose to believe my SO. In our case I feel if I don't we won't move forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VA2DAU (Aug 2, 2011)

I am sorry for what he is putting you through. I did went through exact same thing with my husband about telling me whole truth. I told him that I can't move on if he is not going to tell and I can't make a decision if he is not going to tell me. My husband didn't tell me the whole truth right away because he doesn't want to cause anymore pain that he already did. He knows that I deserve to know and that he loves him. He couldn't keep it from me any longer so he told me everything. 

All I know is there is no way to be preapred of what he is going to tell you but beprepared of the possibilities of what he is going to tell you. At first it was hard for him to tell me the whole truth because I was hysterical and that I couldn't make sense. So I calmed myself and we talked.

Make sure to gather your thoughts and be prepared.

Good Luck


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

terrified said:


> I am still in no man's land and it is a painful place to be. I am paralyzed by indecision.
> 
> My biggest road block is that I don't believe ANYTHING he says. Nothing. After finally found out he lied about the sex I believe nothing. He says at this point I know everything and he doesn't want to lie to me anymore but I am so stung by lies I don't believe him. I know I can never move on if I don't believe I am getting the truth.....but what if I am and I can't accept it as the truth?
> 
> ...


I don't know that I will ever get back to complete trust again. My H said at first that it was just a flirtation. Her e-mails were not consistent with that, and I said so. Then he told me they were intimate, but only on a training trip out of town. He framed that to look like he was over taken by the events of the moment. I still didn't believe him, because she wouldn't stay away. I thought she had feelings for him that had to have some time to develop. During this gas lighting period he kept swearing that he had given me the whole truth. I just would not accept that, and finally ( ten months post d-day) he told me it had been a PA of about 9 months duration, with" I love you's" and the whole nine yards. Now I find it hard to believe him when he says he loves me. I am not sure to this day that I have the complete truth. A year and a half later she is still popping up from time to time. It is very hard to get beyond a betrayal like this, and gas lighting just rubs salt into the wound.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

It does take time. Trust has to be earned and he can help that by being completely transparent, letting you know where he is constantly, leaving his phone out and his emails and FB open, not deleting call logs, texts or internet history. At some point as my MC said to me, you just have to take a chance and hope for the best. Sure, stay eyes wide open, but move forward and quit thrashing around damaging both yourself and your spouse. I know your response to that is I don't give a rats a$$ about him - he created this. In reality, I would rather be in your shoes than his. My self image and belief in myself would be damn difficult to repair after doing what he's done - that is if he owns it. Not asking you to show him empathy, just understanding and move forward. That is the only path to healing and having a better relationship than before. Staying stuck will destroy both you and your relationship. Can I suggest all you go to a website called beyondaffairs.com look for the seminars tab and click it, then the words teleseminars and click them. There a huge amount of past teleseminars about healing ad working through the disaster of an affair. Don't be put off by the selling of their services and learn to skip everyone introducing themselves. Listen to as many as you can, you will find some solace and great guidance. Sign up for the website, you will get invites to future free teleseminars. There are also local ban groups with free meetings in a lot of cities. LAst but not least, if you can afford it, consider one their weekends with your spouse - - it can really jump start your and his recovery. Or individual coaching - they have coaching teams where the husband cheated or the wife cheated.


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## Alivinghell (Jul 27, 2011)

I went thru this also and still am to some degree. MC is key here I think. Our therapist really focused on how important it was for trickle truth to stop and for him to tell me everything. I also had him write out a timeline of the entire affair. It was horribly painful to read but it got almost everything out into the open. MC is the only reason I am still halfway in this marriage right now. The MC explains what I am going thru better than I ever could and she gives us both hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alivinghell (Jul 27, 2011)

I do want to say that I still don't 100% believe I have the whole truth though. I still interrogate him pretty much daily and I do it in therapy also, so the therapist can help me sort through his answers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

Alivinghell said:


> I went thru this also and still am to some degree. MC is key here I think. Our therapist really focused on how important it was for trickle truth to stop and for him to tell me everything. I also had him right out a timeline of the entire affair. It was horribly painful to read but it got almost everything out into the open. MC is the only reason I am still halfway in this marriage right now. The MC explains what I am going thru better than I ever could and she gives us both hope.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is a good idea. Having him write it out. It sounds painful to read but it might be easier than asking the same questions over and over again.

He lied to me again last night. I asked point blank "Had you ever been in her car?". He said 'No, never'. Then he said, 'well a few times as a group of people going for lunch'. Then later on I found out she had actually driven him home. I was so upset. That fact that she had driven him home is small in comparison to the fact that he had sex with her and would not have had a huge impact on how I feel about everything BUT the fact that he looked me right in the eye and lied. That has a HUGE impact on me. I don't understand why he keeps doing this.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Maybe in his mind he is trying to spare you from anymore pain? I'm not defending him by any means, just a thought. I'm not saying he isn't wrong though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Maybe in his mind he is trying to spare you from anymore pain? I'm not defending him by any means, just a thought. I'm not saying he isn't wrong though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe that is why he is lying to some degree. I also think he is lying because he is afraid of how I will react and what my actions will be as I learn stuff.

I have however, been very very clear that lying to me makes anything and everything he ever did SO much worse and causes way more damage to me and us. I have communicated that while bawling, while calm, while angry, while loving. I have gone to great lengths to make it clear that lying to me is ruining me. I told him that the only way to salvage this is to be honest with me.

I know I sound like a broken record but I just don't understand. I have no one to talk to and my head is swirling in the what ifs and what now and whys. I just just the truth. It is killing me.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

terrified said:


> I believe that is why he is lying to some degree. I also think he is lying because he is afraid of how I will react and what my actions will be as I learn stuff.
> 
> I have however, been very very clear that lying to me makes anything and everything he ever did SO much worse and causes way more damage to me and us. I have communicated that while bawling, while calm, while angry, while loving. I have gone to great lengths to make it clear that lying to me is ruining me. I told him that the only way to salvage this is to be honest with me.
> 
> I know I sound like a broken record but I just don't understand. I have no one to talk to and my head is swirling in the what ifs and what now and whys. I just just the truth. It is killing me.



we are quite a way out from DDay, almost two years really, and there is only one thing I would like to leave you with. Its not okay for him to lie. But when you look a little deeper, when he tells you the truth, how do you react?? This isn't something I learned in therapy, this is something my H flat out told me. I lie because when I tell you the truth you lose your mind. Okay, got it. When I do calm down and get myself situated by learning that I want him to be truthful with me, he was. I didn't yell or scream I just reacted by saying, I don't appreciate that you would xyz without talking to me first, but I am happy you were honest. No yelling, no screaming. Just food for thought. I don't know if it pertains to your particular situation or not. But I try to look at myself first when something isn't going right with us. Sorry if it wasn't helpful or didn't make any sense  BTW, still not okay to lie.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

In the website I listed there is a teleseminar just on how to get your husband to talk. DAwn hits it right on the head. Interrogation, blowing up, getting angry or extremely upset are not your right and all they do is make him shut down and avoid talking more or tell you what you WANT to hear. In all honesty, you are creating his reactions by yours. Go listen to that teleseminar PLEASE. The man doing the talking had an affair and will tell you from his perspective why what doing won't work. You should be calmly listening and encouraging him to talk no matter how painful. If you feel yourself loosing it, step away and calm yourself down. Your job in this is to do no harm, no matter what he's dpne.


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

He was lying.

He emailed me an hour ago to tell me that 'he would come clean tonight about it all'. I told him to call me immediatly.

He was lying. About how often they had sex, when, how long it all lasted. Everything.

I feel like I am going to fall apart. I am at work and leaving now. I can't breath. I was right. He was lying. He just looked right into my eyes and lied to me.

I am in so much pain. I can't go home. He is there with my daughter. I can't let her see me like this. I feel like I am dying.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Go an listen. If you feel yourself getting too upset, take a break and calm down. Yes he lied and yes he was trying to protect you and yes he was telling you wanted to hear because of your reactions. Take it slow, it will get better.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Thank you for starting this thread. There's a question I've been wanting to ask - is D-Day necessary? is it worth it? 

The pain of discovery is so awful...is knowing all the details necessary and worth it? Why?


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

ItHappenedToMe said:


> Thank you for starting this thread. There's a question I've been wanting to ask - is D-Day necessary? is it worth it?
> 
> The pain of discovery is so awful...is knowing all the details necessary and worth it? Why?


I've been thinking about this too but for 2 different reasons.

First, what is the actual 'D-Day'. My 'D-Day' was June 22nd. But then I had another D-Day 2 weeks ago and as far as I am concerened today is really D-Day for me. Today is the day it all came out and flooded every fibre of my being. I thought I hurt before but that was nothing compared to this. That was a picnic compared to the agony I am going through this second. I am sitting in my car, not able to go home with nowhere else to go trying to deal with this all alone. Nothing compares to this feeling.

Also because I hate myself for needed to know the details. I need to know and I know that I need to know. That is how my mind works but it is ****ing toture. Now I really know the details and my mind will never be the same.

The strange part is - If I had know the 'truth' from the start it wouldn't be this painful, it would have hurt but not as much. It wouldn't be killing me right now. It was the lies that killed me. I believe nothing he says. Not even 'I love you'. I believe nothing because he lied when I asked for the truth. I don't care why he lied, just that he did.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

terrified: My "X" started an emotional affair 4 months ago, well that is when I nailed him. And he abandoned me for 6 weeks in a three month period. And lied, and lied, and lied.

Then one day, I asked again, and he told me yes. But the next morning he retracted it and get this, told me it was because I wanted to hear he was having an affair. Right, I really wanted to hear that.

He continued to lie but I had too much proof and so I started divorce proceedings because he was uninterested in MC. We divorced back in July, I think the 19th (bad with dates).

We were stuck in the same house with him texting and calling this person. Who by the way is married and for 45 years. He rekindled their high school association.

The point is I could never, never trust him again. I move out on the 10th of this month to my own apt (the house sold finally) and he can go play with his EA. 

You know he still lied. Caught him yesterday with laughing, smiling face on his cell. Although my heart broke and he didn't care, she is in for a terrible time after the honeymoon period because it turns out that he is a narcissist. And now I understand.

Good luck. It is not an easy journey, all of us here have entered the same path as you. We can only encourage and perhaps lead you away from knee jerk reactions that will cause pain. Unfortunately, like all of us, the pain is your own but can be shared.

I wish you the best. Just know, you are not alone and we understand.

Take a deep breath after letting your emotion flow freely and then decide what you want to do.

Good luck again.


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## Alivinghell (Jul 27, 2011)

terrified said:


> He was lying.
> 
> He emailed me an hour ago to tell me that 'he would come clean tonight about it all'. I told him to call me immediatly.
> 
> ...


OMG. I am so, so sorry. Mine did the same thing... only it was a text saying he would come clean. I know the pain you feel. I am going to email you my personal email address and please feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. I know how hard it is, especially with your daughter looking at you wanting to know what is wrong with mommy.

I am praying for you.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

terrified said:


> Also because I hate myself for needed to know the details. I need to know and I know that I need to know. That is how my mind works but it is ****ing toture. Now I really know the details and my mind will never be the same.
> 
> The strange part is - If I had know the 'truth' from the start it wouldn't be this painful, it would have hurt but not as much. It wouldn't be killing me right now. It was the lies that killed me. I believe nothing he says. Not even 'I love you'. I believe nothing because he lied when I asked for the truth. I don't care why he lied, just that he did.


Terrified, my brain works the same way. And handling the mental movies is something I may wish to pass on.

Here's the REALLY GOOD NEWS: now you KNOW the truth, and in a few weeks (forever, it seems now) you'll be where you spoke of above - it won't hurt as much. Today is "the beginning" you spoke of. The lies are past, the experience is the past, and this part will be behind you. 

I know the feeling of being in the car and unable to move. Keep breathing.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I'm so sorry! I remember the pain all to well. Most of us here do, so hopefully you can find small comfort in knowing you're not alone. Your H finally confessing may be a sign he really wants to R and do what's right, too bad it took so long. 

A week after d-day my H texted saying he had something more to tell me (it was his affair from 10 years ago). It's like the DS all of a sudden decides to come clean, but can't wait. So they torture us some more by giving a "heads up" right away, usually via text or email. I suppose it makes them commit to the reveal later and not chicken out, but it still sucks to find out via an electronic device you're about to be destroyed again.

The pain will ease up, but it's different for everyone, so let yourself heal at your own pace. Make sure he knows that now is the time to clear his conscience of everything, you want no more secrets. If he even held hands with another woman in the past, now is the time to get it out. 

I believe it's better to get any details you want out in the open, because if something pops up later, it'll be a trigger if you didn't know. Once they commit to honesty, be prepared to hurt if they stick to it. So, next week, if you ask some odd thing like "Did you ever go to a movie with her?" an honest answer might shred your heart again.

The longer the DS lies, the harder it is for the LS to trust them again. It's up to you to decide if his lies went on too long and if R is possible. You may start believing him again when you ask questions and get answers that are incredibly painful. So either the DS 1) Enjoys hurting you or 2) Is finally being truthful.

Get plenty of rest. If you can stomach any food make sure you remember to eat it at least once or twice daily. I lived off a yogurt a day for I don't know how long, then finally one day my appetite returned. It sounds impossible right now, but it will happen.

Good luck, my thoughts are with you!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

DawnD said:


> we are quite a way out from DDay, almost two years really, and there is only one thing I would like to leave you with. Its not okay for him to lie. But when you look a little deeper, when he tells you the truth, how do you react?? This isn't something I learned in therapy, this is something my H flat out told me. I lie because when I tell you the truth you lose your mind. Okay, got it. When I do calm down and get myself situated by learning that I want him to be truthful with me, he was. I didn't yell or scream I just reacted by saying, I don't appreciate that you would xyz without talking to me first, but I am happy you were honest. No yelling, no screaming. Just food for thought. I don't know if it pertains to your particular situation or not. But I try to look at myself first when something isn't going right with us. Sorry if it wasn't helpful or didn't make any sense  BTW, still not okay to lie.


What liars don’t realise is that sure when they tell the truth it is painful. But that pain is well worthwhile. Why? Because after a while of knowing that we are getting the truth we can start to actually fundamentally believe that we are getting the truth and we will get the truth in the future. And because of that we know the length, depth and breadth of what happened and the problems that we face, as an individual. We are then, as that individual, able to take stock of the situation and decide if we want to forgive and reconcile with our partner.

To say “I lied to you to save you from pain” is I think with these people just another of their lies. They lied to save their own skin. They lied to save your anger against them, to stop you being angry with them and to stop you punishing them. To save themselves from your punishment.

What these liars don’t know is that your pain and therefore your punishment would be far less if they were truthful with you in the first place.

Keep in mind that people who tell lies, that is “liars” will do everything they possibly can to blame someone else.

Keep in mind that “truthful” people take their punishment “up front” simply because they know that honesty really is the best policy. Truthful people throw themselves at the “mercy of the court”, that is “you”. You are the court in these cases. And truthful people take their punishment and never ever “blame the victim” for their actions. Truthful people never say “You made me do it” because truthful people accept responsibility for their own actions.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

It Happened and terrified - is knowing worth it? I believe it much better if the openess and honesty starts with the affair. Yes it is painful and yes it turns your world upside down. The situation where the DS keeps trickling out the truth is typical. etting to the point where the truth is especially hard becuse fo the continued lies erroding your trust and feelings of safety and security in the M. In the long run, it is amust to have the truth. It is the only way the DS can begin to own what they have done which is the first step for them and you beggining to heal. The next step for them needs to be remorse and willingness to face the pain they have caused and be willing to help you sort through it. This is often where the DS falls back off the cliff becuase they can't face themselves. If they start to "man up" or "woman up" and do the right thing there is hope. The next step for them is self forgiveness and this often requires the LS to forgive them before they feel like there is hope. This is a very hard step for DS. After they have forgiven themselves they are almost out of the fog and can rationally start to examine why they did it. As a BS, you wan this answer early but it not until rational thinking starts that they can truly begin to examine what they done and begin to understand why,so this takes a lot of patience on the BS to wait for the REAL answer without the jsutifications they have built up over time and continue to use for along time.

What to know and what questions to ask is obviously up to you. I would STRONGLY suggest you limit your questions to who, where and when. Do not delve deeply into the what becuase thsoe are the gory detials that created extremely strong triggers and mind movies that are difficult to get through and past.

You will have more questions. PLEASE PLEASEgo find that teleseminar about getting your husband to talk and follow Brian's suggestions to the letter. You will be much mroe sucessful getting the answers you need to sort through it.

Remember this above all else. Your DS is in a position that in many ways is more difficult than your own. They can't look at themselves in the mirror, their integrity and self worth is completely destroyed, they are not trusted and rightfully so. AS a BS spouse,I would not want to be in their shoes, I'd rather be in yours. BE considerate and compassionate. Never do harm. Be what they should have been and set the example.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> Remember this above all else. Your DS is in a position that in many ways is more difficult than your own. They can't look at themselves in the mirror, their integrity and self worth is completely destroyed, they are not trusted and rightfully so. AS a BS spouse,I would not want to be in their shoes, I'd rather be in yours. BE considerate and compassionate. Never do harm. Be what they should have been and set the example.


While I agree with 'be the example' remember they CHOSE their shoes, you didn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree Golfergirl. If you truly want to reconcile, compassion has to go both ways as hard as that may be to do. If you want them to openand be 100% honest, you cannot punish them by interrogation or getting extremely angry. SOme questions cannot be answered early on by the DS because they have not done the self introspection needed to answer them honestly and with the needed thought - especially why. In fact, you need to thank for their honesty no matter how painful the truth was if you expect them to continue to open up and be honest. Getting angry, calling them a liar (even if they were in the past), questioning their answers as being false, etc. all leads to the DS not wanting to talk orbe honestbut rather tell you want to hear even if it is a lie.


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

ItHappenedToMe said:


> Here's the REALLY GOOD NEWS: now you KNOW the truth, and in a few weeks (forever, it seems now) you'll be where you spoke of above - it won't hurt as much. Today is "the beginning" you spoke of. The lies are past, the experience is the past, and this part will be behind you.


Oh I hope you are right. That was one of my first thoughts last night but it was overwhelmed by the painful thoughts. 




Saffron said:


> I believe it's better to get any details you want out in the open, because if something pops up later, it'll be a trigger if you didn't know. Once they commit to honesty, be prepared to hurt if they stick to it. So, next week, if you ask some odd thing like "Did you ever go to a movie with her?" an honest answer might shred your heart again.


I eventually went home when my daughter was sleeping. I tried to get as many details as I thought I needed but I also avoided to many 'gory' details. I wanted them in that moment. I had all kinds of questions for him but I know from the last time not to ask. I know WAY too much about them having sex and it kills me. I also know he called her a pet name - which absolutely devastated me....I have no idea why but it did.



8yearscheating said:


> It Happened and terrified - is knowing worth it? I believe it much better if the openess and honesty starts with the affair. Yes it is painful and yes it turns your world upside down. The situation where the DS keeps trickling out the truth is typical. etting to the point where the truth is especially hard becuse fo the continued lies erroding your trust and feelings of safety and security in the M. In the long run, it is amust to have the truth. It is the only way the DS can begin to own what they have done which is the first step for them and you beggining to heal. The next step for them needs to be remorse and willingness to face the pain they have caused and be willing to help you sort through it. This is often where the DS falls back off the cliff becuase they can't face themselves. If they start to "man up" or "woman up" and do the right thing there is hope. The next step for them is self forgiveness and this often requires the LS to forgive them before they feel like there is hope. This is a very hard step for DS. After they have forgiven themselves they are almost out of the fog and can rationally start to examine why they did it. As a BS, you wan this answer early but it not until rational thinking starts that they can truly begin to examine what they done and begin to understand why,so this takes a lot of patience on the BS to wait for the REAL answer without the jsutifications they have built up over time and continue to use for along time.
> 
> What to know and what questions to ask is obviously up to you. I would STRONGLY suggest you limit your questions to who, where and when. Do not delve deeply into the what becuase thsoe are the gory detials that created extremely strong triggers and mind movies that are difficult to get through and past.
> 
> ...


I did go and listen. I think it is too early for that tho. I am still in the 'trying to breath and not kill you' stage. I am hoping in a few days I can move on to constructive things like listening to those seminars.

I don't believe he feels worse than me right now. I have also lost my self worth, along with my self esteem, positive body image, safety, comfort and security. I have lost the hopes of the baby I have been trying to have for 1.5 years and have to relive the loss I had before because he had a girlfriend while my baby was dying. I have no grasp of the future (which I am sure he feels as well) but I also have no trust in the past and feel like everything in my life has been a lie. 
I don't owe him an ounce of compassion right now. He destroyed my life. At this point I don't know how to proceed but no matter what I choose to do I will never be the same. He took away everything that was important to me. I don't intend on doing harm but I am putting myself before him in every possible way now.


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> I agree Golfergirl. If you truly want to reconcile, compassion has to go both ways as hard as that may be to do. If you want them to openand be 100% honest, you cannot punish them by interrogation or getting extremely angry. SOme questions cannot be answered early on by the DS because they have not done the self introspection needed to answer them honestly and with the needed thought - especially why. In fact, you need to thank for their honesty no matter how painful the truth was if you expect them to continue to open up and be honest. Getting angry, calling them a liar (even if they were in the past), questioning their answers as being false, etc. all leads to the DS not wanting to talk orbe honestbut rather tell you want to hear even if it is a lie.


All I really did was cry. Cry and cry and cry and cry.

I did call him a liar when he said he loves me. I don't believe him. It is all too difficult.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

ItHappenedToMe said:


> Thank you for starting this thread. There's a question I've been wanting to ask - is D-Day necessary? is it worth it?
> 
> The pain of discovery is so awful...is knowing all the details necessary and worth it? Why?


All I can tell you is that my wife NOT telling me what really happened, what she did, and extending out the deception for many years was a lot worse than if she had just come clean.

Why?

Because I believe such betrayals eventually get aired no matter how much a person tries to hide it.

The theft of time, time to either rebuild a life or to start over without them, is huge! We all live one life. To find out that most of a life with someone is a lie? You can't get those years back.

A spouse's selfishness spills over into basically an attack on what you thought you had with them--killing it.

Not telling is an utter lack of respect, and thinly veiled contempt. Is it also a lack of courage and misguided protectionism? Sure.

Not telling also prevents your spouse from defending you from your own weakness and failings.

Yes, seeing their anger, anguish, pain, loss of illusion has got to be painful for someone who cheats. Unless they have no conscience, no remorse, or humility.

I believe that someone who cheats owes their spouse some kind of restitution and the full truth of what they have been doing. And not shift ANY blame for their selfish actions.

Every one of us has disappointments in life, in our relationships. However, the ONE relationship where you take a vow before God is a marriage. The offense is huge. So efforts to repair should rise to a high level. If it is uncomfortable to attempt to scale those heights--GOOD!

I can't emphasize too much that knowing the truth of my life to the same degree my wife has is a critical thing to me. it is humiliating to find out that I was pouring my life energies into a relationship that was not as it appeared. Being played for a fool is offensive.

Hiding the truth of infidelity is strictly self protection. It is NOT to protect your spouse if you have cheated.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

terrified said:


> Oh I hope you are right. That was one of my first thoughts last night but it was overwhelmed by the painful thoughts.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You know yourself and what you can handle as far as details. I try not to ask a question the second it pops into my head. I give myself time to decide if I really want to know. If I'm still thinking about the question several hours later, I usually ask. Or at least I let him know what's bothering me and preface it by saying, "I don't want to know details, but I'm obsessing about blank". This at least will let him know you're hurting and open dialogue. 

I think you're showing compassion just by letting your H stay in the house with you and even considering R. Right now it's probably more for your child than for him. I was amazed it was possible to hate someone, but love them at the same time. Eventually the hates subsides and from the love you can find compassion. But only if they're doing everything possible to earn it.

For a time, I didn't feel anything but rage for my H or overwhelming sadness. Once you know the time frame of the affair, you may spend a lot of time looking at the calendar or pictures, shredding any happy or comnforting thoughts you had during that time. I did this and would trigger, but I got it out. I mourned the perception I had of my marriage and husband and then faced my reality. Take your time to mourn, you'll move forward when you're ready. Once you're ready to move forward, examining the past gets a little easier, because you're starting to rebuild new memories. So instead of focusing on what used to be, you focus on what will be.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Great advice Saffron. I don't mean to push that website and there have been complaints I'm spamming people by metnioning it. I have no affiliation with at all. I just found it to be one of the few that focused on reconciling and healing. If I offended you by suggesting it, I'm sorry. I now your in the early stages of dealing with this and I completely understand you are just trying to get your feet under you. I clearly remember all the feelings you describe and how much it hurt and threw me into a total spin. I also remember the loss of self esteem, wondering if the OM was better than me, how she could tell me she never stopped loving me when it went on for so long. Eventually, I came to realize the OP was in no way better, he just filled a need she had that she should ahve come to me for. The affair is TOTALLY the DS fault. NOTHING you did made that horrible decision for them or caused their actions. In the future - if you go there with him, there are things to improve in the marriage to help make it resistant to this happening again. Right now is not the time to start worrying about that other than to steer your thoughts to the future.

Again, I apologize if I was too forceful or inappropriately mentioned the website.


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

michzz - Thank you for putting into words how I feel about the lying. What occurred is awful and painful but the lies compounded my fears, insecurities, sadness and anger. It's hard to put that into words.

Saffron - You have really good advice and it gives me a small glimmer of hope, I think. You're right about the hate/love. He makes me want to vomit, curl up into a ball and get sucked up into the earth. I could kill him with my bare hands (I understand crimes of passion a lot better now). But he was my best friend, my everything. I gave him my life, my youth, my future. I love him and hate him so much. It is an awful place to live in. I really hope one of those emotions takes hold so I know which direction to go in.

8years - No, no offence at all. I read what you write to me and others. I know you have nothing but best interest. I hope at some point I can grasp reality and move forward in a healthy/constructive way. Right now, I have to re-learn how to breath, eat, sleep and be ok. When I do I will take your advice and give it a try.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Love and hate are both passionate emotions. Indifference is the lack thereof.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I reached a point at which I just had to say, "This is all the truth I'm getting from her." She was sticking to a story that still doesn't add up, but wouldn't waver. I gave her the opportunity to come clean..."Tell me now, and all the cards are on the table. If you stick with your story and I learn otherwise at any time after this, it's a dealbreaker." She still stuck with her story. If we're going to make this work, I just had to take it at face value.

And, she has to take my words at face value. Which is good, because they're most certainly true.


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## AnalyticlSolver (Aug 10, 2011)

I have the dilema of a wife who has had a banging buddy for at least 5 months that I am aware of...do to some severe tragadies that happend in the past couple of years I and her have both battled times of depression...she says I pushed her to where she felt unloved and unappreciated.... From all I have become aware of and confronted her on she tap dances with her answers and each time its a differnt dance..... I'd walk away from our almost 11 years together but we have 3.5 year old that bonds us and for him I am hesitant to cut the marriage cord to deprieve him of the mother/father household....but I keep asking myself, will that be a benefit fror him or damaging....perplexed and on the fence as I dispise her for having relations with at least one man that I am aware of.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Welcome to the board, Analytic. 

You might want to repost to a new thread in Coping With Infidelity forum. You'll get a lot of response as you figure it out.


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## wild_irish_rose (Aug 6, 2011)

I realize this probably sounds pathetic and having come to the following conclusion I realize there is more I need to deal with in IC than I had realized before.

For me, I would have forgiven it all - all the cheating, all the lies, everything he dished out to me - if only he had STAYED. It's the fact that he left that I can't cope with. And I'm guessing that's what at least some others are afraid of as well - as long as you can't be sure if they are telling the truth, how can you be sure that it won't happen again and maybe next time your spouse will not just cheat but LEAVE? Am I the only one who sees abandonment as worse than adultery?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Wild - even though he has left, he has only run from you because he couldn't face you. My history is long, you can look me up. It can work out, but he has to man up and want to, you can't do it alone. It takes time and working through it together. Trust has to earned. Abandonment is horrible and yes worse than adultery because you are left with nothing, no explanations and no hope. PLease start your own thread by copying your message above to it. private message me and let me know when you have.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

SAme with you analytic


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Wild - even though he has left, he has only run from you because he couldn't face you. My history is long, you can look me up. It can work out, but he has to man up and want to, you can't do it alone. It takes time and working through it together. Trust has to earned. Abandonment is horrible and yes worse than adultery because you are left with nothing, no explanations and no hope. PLease start your own thread by copying your message above to it. private message me and let me know when you have.


8years, Rose has a thread. Look up her posts, and you'll find it. It just isn't under this forum.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Terrified, can I suggest you look at my last thread - there have been some recent updates on it.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...roadblock-our-reconciliation-need-advise.html

Also this one by it-guy
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/29674-removing-thoughts-your-mind-long-term.html


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