# Eleven years, no contact



## BBailey (Nov 18, 2013)

I am in a very difficult marriage held together by financial limitations and the children.

After having occasional and relatively uneventful sex through the first 12 years of our 23-year marriage, it has completely stopped over the last 11. I tried to bargain sex once, and when it came time for her to pay up, she said "Lets get this over with." Nothing much happened on that occasion, and nothing has happened since. 

But it is just not sex, it is all touching, all intimacy. There is no kissing, even pecks, there is no handholding, no hugging. I don't often try because I hate being turned down, but eventually I break down and just want human female contact. When I do, she turns away.

I have not cheated on her, and she has never accused me of that. I can't say the same for her, although I have no definitive proof.

Over the last year, we have discussed the topic three times in a real way, and each time her answer is different: "I was using sex as a weapon to make you change", "I am repulsed by you physically", and "I don't enjoy sex very much". I don't know what to believe, and it eats at me.

But there are two things that bother me most: If she is having sex with someone else, and what I am supposed to do in a contact-free life. I still desire physical contact and sex, and apparently am never going to get either.

She will not see a counselor because she knows she is the problem.

Any advice would be appreciated.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why have you let it go on for 11 years?

IMHO, the only chance you have to fix this is demonstrating to her that you're willing to lose it. She's not going to change until she has to. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Stop asking her why. 

Get yourself strong, mentally and physically, and then go see a lawyer. The resentment on both sides has to be through the roof...no fixing this one.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You need to pack your stuff and go! I am so very sorry this woman has completely shredded your self confidence! This is abusive, IMO. Save yourself!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You say there are financial limitations. Those are self-created limitations. There is a way to be divorced from her. It may not be ideal, but it is possible.

When you're in the middle of something, it can be very difficult to see alternatives. If you've ever been laid off from a job you have probably experienced this. It seems impossible to think of creative ideas about finding a new job or starting a business. Yet when things are going well it seems that there are lots of ideas.

This is where you are with your marriage. You need to brainstorm ideas. Probably most of them are not realistic, but still you need to brainstorm.

Your kids should not be a big factor. They can be a tie breaker, if things are good enough but also bad enough at the same time. But if things are as bad as you indicate, you are far into the territory of a really bad marriage. Divorce is justified (though not required) by your circumstances. Your kids are learning by watching you, and they are thus learning all kinds of bad lessons about how a marriage and family should be. They will duplicate your marriage when they are adults. Really, they will.

You have the right to good sex. What is good sex? It is your definition. She has the right to whatever sex life she finds fulfilling. If your needs and desires don't match hers, they do not match. Nobody is absolutely right or absolutely wrong, but together you two are not a match. She has no right to hold you hostage to her definition of a marriage.

Do you have access to free EAP (Employee Assistance Program) through work? It is free, confidential counseling for exactly your kind of situation. I believe it is more valuable in many ways to get opinions from an experienced counselor in person rather than typing on an anonymous forum. We can supplement counseling but not replace it. I think counseling would help you see that you have more choices and more control over your future than you are allowing.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

If my wife stated she was repulsed by me, I would be long gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tilting (Jul 19, 2013)

Thound said:


> If my wife stated she was repulsed by me, I would be long gone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But they dont always cleary say that now do they ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tilting (Jul 19, 2013)

This marriage is long over. You are no more than a roommate to her. The fact that she has not left you yet only goes to show that she is selfishly using you to maintain the outward appearance of being married and the financial and social security that comes with it without having to keep up her end of the deal. End it and move on. You dont have what you are afraid to lose.
Peace brother.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

tilting said:


> But they dont always cleary say that now do they ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not in general but his wife did.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I know it's very vogue to theorize that everyone has some kind of personality disorder but that's pretty close to a textbook psychopath in one of its manifold varieties.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

tilting said:


> But they dont always cleary say that now do they ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No they don't, but if she ever did it would be game over.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Why do you stay? Stop using the children as an excuse. 
Ask yourself WHY?????


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What is she getting out of his arrangement? You don't have a wife. You may have a roommate and/or a dependent. What are you getting out of this? If both of you weren't getting something, both of you would be gone, kids or no kids. How is any kid benefited by seeing their parents in a loveless, misery trap, neither of them being the complete person they were created to be? If, 20 years from now, your kid is in your shoes, what would you wish for them? Your personal example is far more powerful with your kids than your counsel.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Are you for real? On the off chance that this is a honest plea for help, you need to see a counselor to find out why you would allow yourself to be abused by this woman all these years. Stop making excuses, find your balls and start respecting yourself.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

KanDo said:


> Are you for real? On the off chance that this is a honest plea for help, you need to see a counselor to find out why you would allow yourself to be abused by this woman all these years. Stop making excuses, find your balls and start respecting yourself.


All those years of complaint, self doubt, loathing, blame shifting, getting much less than you should, all add up and make your mind.

Do you really want someone who does you like this?


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Why not ask for an open marriage? That may be the only way you will be able to have sex as long as you are married. I asked my wife near the beginning of the marriage soon after the sex stopped and she refused and neither of us has had sex since and that was 20 years ago. Maybe your wife will not be as uptight as mine. Explain that you need sex and and open marriage is still a marriage you just get your sexual needs met with someone else. Try to agree on a set of rules (no sleeping over etc)


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You had bad sex for 12 years, and no sex for another 11, and you stayed ?!?!?

Sorry my man, but I don't care what she says or does, this is on you. You should have left this sham of a marriage AGES ago. 

Hopefully you married very young, so even with 23 years in you may still be in your 40's with plenty of time to meet a real woman and start having a good sex life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I doubt that either you or your wife are bad people. So I will not go with the flow here on those calling her some pretty mean things.

We do not know either of you. When sex dies off in a marriage it's usually because there is a problem in the relationship. That's what has to be fixed to get the love/passion back.

There are ways to get it back. A good marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist would help. However, before addressing the sex, the broken relationship has to be fixed and you both have to be willing to do the work.

My suggestion is that you tell your wife that either the two of you put 100% into fixing the marriage, see a marriage counselor/sex therapist or it's time for divorce.

You should have done this 11 years ago. It's definitely time.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

All you need to know is that she's not into sex with you. Move on with your life; there's no substitute for someone who wants you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Similar situation here, though only about 50% of the drama years you've had. I have essentially heard all of the same things you have regarding the sexual nuke. I was told (not even during an argument, but when I said how nice it was the last time we had sex and wish it would be more often) that I was free to see prostitutes. I have not. What I have done is let this slow acid-burn **** up the last six years of my life. I have nowhere to go but out, as nearly impossible as it is to believe this is happening. I, too, must face the REALITY of what has happened; and no longer live in a fog of wishful thinking and fond memories. Married for 25, together for 33. I know, man, it blows. I wish you well, and I do feel for your predicament.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I am absurdly apalled by this thread. Frankly I am appalled by some of the responses of posters who endure these hollow sexless marriages. 

Finances and children are lame excuses. I would rather live in a cardboard box under a bridge than live in a hollow refrigerator of a sham marriage where I am not loved, desired or respected by my spouse. I really want to understand how some of you have such low self esteem and such little self respect as to allow this to happen in your lives?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

PinkSalmon13 said:


> Similar situation here, though only about 50% of the drama years you've had. I have essentially heard all of the same things you have regarding the sexual nuke. I was told (not even during an argument, but when I said how nice it was the last time we had sex and wish it would be more often) that I was free to see prostitutes. I have not. What I have done is let this slow acid-burn **** up the last six years of my life. I have nowhere to go but out, as nearly impossible as it is to believe this is happening. I, too, must face the REALITY of what has happened; and no longer live in a fog of wishful thinking and fond memories. Married for 25, together for 33. I know, man, it blows. I wish you well, and I do feel for your predicament.


What alot of years but at least your not dead . Sucks I know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

LostViking said:


> I am absurdly apalled by this thread. Frankly I am appalled by some of the responses of posters who endure these hollow sexless marriages.
> 
> Finances and children are lame excuses. I would rather live in a cardboard box under a bridge than live in a hollow refrigerator of a sham marriage where I am not loved, desired or respected by my spouse. I really want to understand how some of you have such low self esteem and such little self respect as to allow this to happen in your lives?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just because people are not having sex doesn't mean they don't care for each other, it just means they are not having sex. Everything else in the marriage can be normal. Think of all the people who suffer from illness, old age, sexual dysfunction, psychological difficulties, all of which make sex difficult if not impossible.

You should do some research into sexless marriages before you start advising everyone to leave their families over a lack of sex.

And most people feel a responsibility to their children to stick it out at least until the kids are grown and gone if the couple are not involved in physical or mental abuse. And financial reasons for staying on are very valid as most people would not care to be living in a cardboard box especially women with young children.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

LostViking said:


> I am absurdly apalled by this thread. Frankly I am appalled by some of the responses of posters who endure these hollow sexless marriages.
> 
> Finances and children are lame excuses. I would rather live in a cardboard box under a bridge than live in a hollow refrigerator of a sham marriage where I am not loved, desired or respected by my spouse. I really want to understand how some of you have such low self esteem and such little self respect as to allow this to happen in your lives?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You must not have children.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm with PinkSalmon on this one buddy....I'm in the exact same boat. in fact, almost the exact same number of years in the marriage and sexless. I cheated though so I haven't been without as long as you but I did go 7 years before the affair.

I'm with the others. Get out. It took me years to file and it's still not over and I still don't want to leave. But NFW I'm going to let her continue to abuse me with no physical contact. She may get a ton of money from me for the rest of her life, but she won't do it as my wife. She's not going to have the privilege of sitting with me and my children out in society pretending to be a family much longer, putting up her little "aren't we a nice family" image while keeping her ***** locked up in a drawer somewhere.

Good luck bro. Don't let her do this to you another day.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BeachGuy said:


> You must not have children.



I have children and divorced their father because treated me like sh!t.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RaiderGirl (Jul 3, 2013)

I dont know exactly what is happening in your life that you feel you must be imprisoned in the marriage. Your life is passing by and one day you will regret not being proactive about your own happiness. I know that its very easy to others to say leave . Its not so easy to do so. Improving your life ( health, money, attractiveness, sex, harmony) all begins with you. I know it sounds like a buch of hooey but friend do this. Get the book Mindful Attraction by Athol Kay. I dont have any vested interest only that I have seen it work absolute amazing, mind blowing wonders. You can fix your marriage or fix yourself. But whatever you do begin now. Your life is slipping by.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> I have children and divorced their father because treated me like sh!t.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My post wasn't a reply to anything you posted.


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