# should I ask for a separation?



## novalee (Aug 27, 2012)

Ive been with my husband for 11 years- since I was 14 and he was 16. needles to say we have been through alot and esentially grown up together. I have always been a giver and him a taker- I thought love meant his happiness came before mine. 

My husband is very involved in his hobbies and sports. In times of financial trouble throughout the years I have begged him to hold back just a little but ultimately it is my bills that don't get paid or my debt that inflates for his benifit. 

Our issues are many... last year we went through a whole "porn thing"... after broken promises and lies on a monthly basis I surrendered to his wishes. It was not an easy feat but through education and self control I worked hard on seeing his point of view and forgave all the deciet and pain. there was a point in time that this issue combined with his financial irrisponsability, failure to make us a priority and my pregnancy hormone induced crazziness- we were having e a blow up every 2 weeks- I fealt like I was unable to put my feet on the ground and work on things before another issue would arrise. He became fearfull of "getting in trouble" and would lie to me about things- I would catch him in his lies and the vicious cycle continued.

Our daughter is now 6 months old and while he really is a great father (when he is not shipping the kid off to his mothers so he can participate in his activities (typical week is Hockey on tuesday and thursday, boys night Friday, fishing or hunting Saturday, Golfing and baseball sunday)<-this is not an exaggeration. He works a monday-friday full time job and I work Thursday-sunday nights full time- it's hard to have any family time and on weekends he simply gets his mom to watch the baby. With this new family dynamic and years of feeling taken advantage of, I have begged him to prioritize his life and step up for his family- to sacrafice just a little.

I'm sorry to be so long winded, even then thats the cliff note version. We had a huge blow out 2 months ago after I caught him in a big lie. I told him I couldn't do this anymore and told him the truth, I had begun fantisizing about divorce. I scared him I know, and he gave a convincing speach that hit all the right points and brought me to tears. I would try one more time- he said he was ready to change. A month ago he broke promises, lied and manipulated me. I was done- I emotionally detached and we have been in a pathetic married limbo- sexless- small talk- resentment filled days. Tomorrow we are going to try and talk and work stuff out (his ides). 

My question is kinda this: How should I approach this "meeting"? I'm sure some of this has to be my fault too?

I feel hopeless and broken. I'm tired. Leading by example, begging, crying, threatening... nothing works and I feel he
is trulty INCAPABLE of giving me what I need. I love him but I know I deserve better than this. I'm planning on coming to the table with couselling or a trial seperation- mostly because I don't feel I am able too be volunerable to trusting him anytime soon... how did things get so messed up...


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

My advice is to try to keep the conversation short - 15 to 20 minutes, and see it as the first of a series of conversations rather than your one chance to get it all out there.

Before talking to your husband you need to decide what you would like to see in your relationship. It sounds to me like you could be happy in this marriage if he
1) spent more time with you one-on-one, and
2) showed that he was committed to your family of 3 by spending time with you and your daughter.

So you can tell him that this is what you want from him and why. Be sure to give him some specific examples. Say "I feel love when you show me affection by holding me, sitting next to me on the couch, listening to me talk about my day, going out to eat." or "When you spend time with me and our daughter it makes me feel happy about our family and that makes me want to put time and affection into our relationship."

Be specific -- I think it is in His Needs, Her Needs that the author recommends that couples spend 15 hours doing things together each week and that that amount is what it takes to foster a strong relationship. That might be SO much more than what the two of you have right now that you will ask for less, but really -- if he ate dinner with you 4 nights a week, went out for brunch with you on Saturday, watched a movie with you one night a week it could add up to that.

Do NOT tell him what he would have to give up to make time for you -- if you tell him he has to stop playing golf, hockey and hunting, he will label you a "nag" and refuse to do it. Also, try to consider if you could share some of his "recreational activities" with him. 

Be specific and blunt -- tell him that you are very worried about your relationship and that you that you have been considering separating and/or divorce.

Finally, you need to give him a chance to tell you what he wants from the relationship because chances are his needs are also not being met.

I realize this is a lot to squeeze into 15 minutes, but the trick is to say what you mean clearly and once and then to stop talking. Be polite, be clear, avoid dredging up the past, be specific, keep it short.


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