# The Friend-zoned husband



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

From reading lots of posts I have developed a composite profile of the guy who typically gets shut down in the bedroom. I am interested in feedback from wives as to what they think of this list with regard to how this type of behavior impacts desire.

1. He is conflict avoidant. Mostly he is able to avoid arguing. In the rare case it happens, even when his W is clearly in the wrong he doesn't get a genuine apology from her.
2. He has no boundaries. For example he does not demand to be treated respectfully. He simply doesn't say "this is unacceptable to me". Instead he talks about how he "feels" not what he is going to "do" if it happens again.
3. He is overly emotional in a negative sense. He shows fear, anxiety, insecurity on a regular basis. He is not good at concealing his emotions even when that is definitely best.
4. He is afraid of and intimidated by his wife and often lets her treat him in a manner that she would not allow him to treat her.
5. He is in a hurry to resolve conflict, even when doing so inadvertently signals that he is ok with being treated very badly.
6. He sees himself as a victim and often complains about/makes excuses for situations he could fix.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> 1. He is conflict avoidant. Mostly he is able to avoid arguing. In the rare case it happens, even when his W is clearly in the wrong he doesn't get a genuine apology from her.
> 2. He has no boundaries. For example he does not demand to be treated respectfully. He simply doesn't say "this is unacceptable to me". Instead he talks about how he "feels" not what he is going to "do" if it happens again.
> 3. He is overly emotional in a negative sense. He shows fear, anxiety, insecurity on a regular basis. He is not good at concealing his emotions even when that is definitely best.
> 4. He is afraid of and intimidated by his wife and often lets her treat him in a manner that she would not allow him to treat her.
> ...


 My husband meets a decent # of these- which *definetly* played a role in why he got less sex -back in the day. 

But (#3) has never fit him - He was never overly emotional though in a negative way. He DID conceal his emotions quite well. If he didn't - I probably would have been motivated to see what in the world was wrong with him, determined to unearth his problem/feelings. (that could have been a blessing in our situation). 

And (#6) also does not fit him, he rarely complained, if ever. Very even keel, just an upbeat calm guy-faithfully and always. He really never/very rarely took his frustrations out on ME, sometimes it showed with the kids. And obviously he turned away more than he needed cause he "felt" rejected. If he had any complaining, it was never to me, but silently to himself. 

But yes, very conflict avoidant , arguing is something that he does not like (#1). 

He did not demand to be treated respectfully sexually, never once told me anything was unacceptable (#2). He admitted to me later (once I learned how he suffered in this way) that he felt IF he had done this, I might leave him - which would play on (#4)- feeling intimidated by me. 

I would say (#5) was very important to him, rushing to smooth over any conflict we might have over other things, even though he got the crap end of the deal. 

You should write a book MEM, any "blogs" out there touching on this subject?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

perhaps when diminished sex is a direct result of the mans actions, this would be true. i certainly wouldnt say that diminished sex is always caused by the man, that assumes way to much. i am none of those things you describe. 
1. i have conflict in my job everyday and am not shy about it in my personal life.
2. im not sure making demands works with every woman, but i am the man of the house in the traditional sense.
3. none of that applies to me, but i thought woman liked emotional men.
4. um, hell no
5. no
6. no

seriously mem, a man like you desribe probably would have trouble in the sex department, but i dont think lack of intimacy is a problem that is exclusive to the man.

i also think your bragging mr. macho.....lol


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

OD,
It is not my intent to argue - ask yourself a question though:
- Do you make a good faith effort to meet your W's needs, and I mean all of them (I know my W has a lot - figure she is not alone in that)?
- How can you say she treats you the way you treat her - when she has been blowing off your sexual needs for years and years? 
- I imagine if she has a problem with you - and asks questions you give her honest answers. Do you think the same is true in reverse - does she give you honest answers about sex or does she give you the "I just have a low drive" non-answer? 

I do demand honest answers - sometimes the answers hurt - but I know what W likes/dislikes. 

On any given night I would never demand sex. What I HAVE demanded is that she describe the environment she needs so that she wants to have sex. And she has described that environment and I have provided it. 

As for emotions - my experience is that:
The emotional food chain works like this. She is wired to care for children and old/infirm people. She is really good with both. I think she looks at it as: She takes care of the kids/grandparents and I am to take care of her. That means except for life threatening stuff I also take care of me. I consider this a totally fair deal. 

As for some specifics:
- My W greatly dislikes when I am angry with HER. However when SHE is angry about something or someone in her life I am EXPECTED to be equally angry about it. 
- I have learned to conceal fear, anxiety, etc. it is my job to serve and protect, I am expected to be brave. 
- When she is upset then I show emotion - support and concern for her. And ask if there is anything I can do to help. I have learned that empathizing and asking what can I do works like magic. 






okeydokie said:


> perhaps when diminished sex is a direct result of the mans actions, this would be true. i certainly wouldnt say that diminished sex is always caused by the man, that assumes way to much. i am none of those things you describe.
> 1. i have conflict in my job everyday and am not shy about it in my personal life.
> 2. im not sure making demands works with every woman, but i am the man of the house in the traditional sense.
> 3. none of that applies to me, but i thought woman liked emotional men.
> ...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Since the ladies aren't being terribly forthcoming, here, let me help:



> - IamAnavywife
> 
> During the first few years of our marriage, we were so in love with each other. He adored me and I adored him. Whenever he would go out to sea, it would be like a honeymoon when he got back.
> 
> ...





> - justonelife
> 
> I’ve read a lot of posts from people in similar situations and the advice is always to try to “re-kindle” the spark with your husband. But what if the spark never existed? What if we are just best friends and nothing more? Is that such a bad thing? I don’t want to ruin my life and my kids’ lives over some feelings that may fizzle out in 10-15 years. By the time I’m pushing 50, being married to my best friend doesn’t sound like such a bad idea. On the other hand, I only have 1 life to live. Am I missing out on a great part of life out of fear?
> 
> ...





> - Sunshine and Rain
> 
> Physically I am no longer attracted to him. He does not watch at all what he eats and is now obese to the point he really needs to be worrying about his health. When he comes home from work is will not shower before going to bed, even if is is planning to be intimate, and with his job he comes home sticky and smelly. Finally when he dresses for anything other than work he is always throwing on obviously dirty clothes (he has clean ones). There have been times I have felt embarrassed being seen out with him because of his lack of hygiene and grooming.
> 
> ...


Could have gone on of course, but there are only so many hours in the day


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Nothing on this list applies to my H usually, though I think there could be something in and around 3 ! 

We had quite a dip in our activity level for a few years and it certainly was alot less exciting than it is at the moment. We never had an extended period of 'shutdown' . 

We were stuck in what seems to be the classic 'young kids' syndrome, H travelled alot for work and when back added more stress to the household. I felt burned out, overburdened and frazzled. He felt cross. Very cross.

Thinking back the main thing that made me 'switch off' with regard to sex, which could be a variant on 3, is that he whined about our sex life, and complained about it. If his approach had been different, if he'd said he wanted more because he desired me, I would've been much more receptive to him. Instead it just felt like yet another report card saying 'could do better' . At the time I had also gained weight and didn't feel particularly sexually desireable to begin with.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

MEM, i am not looking to argue or even disagree that a man like you describe is contributing to low sexual activity, no doubt about it. i also offer that it is by no means the only reason for low sexual activity in a marriage as i really dont fit the description. as a matter of fact, my wife has quite honestly told me many times she likes that i am strong and dont let her get away with any crap. but i do think you have hit on a major cause for many people


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