# Can it be salvaged



## ThoughtSheWasMine (Aug 11, 2012)

D-Day + 5..
Me and my wife have been together for almost 9 years. Married for just over a year. She is the love of my life and always has been. Until just a few days ago, i could even still look at her and and think to myself ' my god, she is so beautiful'.. We have a home, and no children.

Discovery-

She was acting so strange the night before.. and then even more so the next day. i started to really worry about her so i kept prodding at her to tell me what was wrong. She said that i would hate her, as she began crying.. the writting was all over her face but i thought to myslef ' there is no way..'. So i was able to mutter the question out of my mough.. 'have you cheated on me??' . my world fell apart with her reply of 'Yes'.

After all the sobbing and i was able to pry her off of me, i began to ask the questions.. she said it happend only two weeks ago with a guy she had known since high school. They had conversed by text and facebook for some time. they met up because she needed someone to talk to. why she would choose him, the guy she hasnt seen in years, and not one of her best firends she sees all the time and trust, i have no clue.. Just days before, she had told me she wasnt sure she wanted children anymore.. i am such a family man, and i was not happy with that at all. but in no way did i tell her it was a deal breaker.. anyway, her and the OM wind up at his place and slept together.. one time, that one day, and thats it. thats what she tells me anyway and i want to believe it.. after she tells me all of this, she begins begging me not to leave her and tells me how much she loves me and this had nothing to do with the sex and all that..

The aftermath-
I cant seem to function.. i have so many different emotions. I am hurtting so badly. I have never felt so unattractive in my life. Everything has fallen appart around me and its all i can do to get up, shower, get dressed and come to work.. Why did she do this to me? My pride is shattered. I cant get the image of another man on top of her out of my head. What all did they do? Did she enjoy herself? Did he? Did she ever look at her wedding ring while they were having sex? Who is he? What is he doing right now? Did he ever think about me?? These are the questions that continue to run thru my head, and my heart.. 

I Love my wife.. even now i cant get rid of that.. I just dont know if i can ever look at her the same. I want to save my marriage. but everytime i look at her i am in pain. She says she is willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. I will be honest, she is just as much of a mess as i am. I want to hold her and tell her its going to be ok, and then i stop myself.. i can almost smell the other man on her.. Will i ever be able to look at her the same? Will i ever be able to touch her again? Will i ever be able to make love to her again? And if i do, will i think about her and the OM? 

I cant eat.. i cant sleep.. i cant focus at work.. Im lucky enough to have a great boss that tells me not to worry about work right now. How do i even begin to move forward and work on this? What do i do now?

I needed to get this out so bad. Thank you for reading my post. if you ever wanted to know what a mans guts look like, you just red mine.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

It hurts more than anything you'll ever experience in your life, man. I know.

Read about the 180. That's my initial advice to you. Don't reply to posts until you read that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Listen to your boss and take at least a week off, spend a day awy from the house and your wife and clear your head. Its been 5 days and mostly she is in your face every second of the day when you are not at work.

You need at least a day away from her and decide what you want.
Make a list of all the pros and cons for the marriage. Sit down with your WW (wayward wife) and get all the questions answered. You have to know what you are dealing with now.

Details are painful, but you must know what you now have with regards to what kind of wife she is. Details are just as hard for her, but she told you she would do anything so lets start by getting all the facts on the table.


Do not have sex until the both of you have gotten tested for STDs'


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If she is truely remorseful then she will show you remorse by;

* write a NC(no contact) letter to OM(other man)
*answer all guestions from you and No "i don't remember" crap
*get tested for STD"S
*she will sign up for IC (individual counseling)
*she will sign you both up for MC (marriage counseling)

A couple of things to remember;

* no crying in front of her
* no begging for the marriage
* be confident and firm when talking to her


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Also you will need to quitely snoop to make sure she has stopped all contact with OM, don't believe one word....not for now.

The OM must be out of the picture, if she continues or refuses the NC then ask her to leave.

So check her cell and computor verify that its over.

She may love you and want the marriage but we don't know how strong her addiction to the OM really is, so quitely investigate.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Often affairs are like icebergs, the wayward will minimize the cheating to prevent more pain.

You will get some trickel truth so be prepared. trickle truth is when the days go on and you talk more and more the facts of the affair keep adding up....often it not I month but 3months.....its not just a kiss but slept together....its not once but several times. 

So keep pressing her for the information.

So in short, your biggest thing now is to quitley confirm that its over and that she will not or Om will stop and continue to stop all contact.

Was there any concern that she might have gotten pregnant?


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## ThoughtSheWasMine (Aug 11, 2012)

I went to the doc the day after - clean.
She is going in two days.

She says there is no chance she is pregnant, but will confirm at the doc. i have requested paperwork on all .


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

As far as the mind movings go....you have to force them out. What I did is everytime I thought about the OM and my WW I would say "I diserve good things" I would repeat it a hundred times an hour. But for now you have to force those mind movies out by replacing them with som positive montra.

As for as sleep goes, I was a big fan of Advile PM....if need be go see your doctor... you know the one that will testfor STD's and ask him for something for the sleep and depression.

As far as eating I when to my favorite restuarant and got my favorite meal to go...I then would pick at thru out the day.


Anther thing to remeber is your WW needs to face consequences so do not leave the house but if it gets bad ask her t leave. Like I said before a one day trip away is good for you, but if need be and long term thinking...then she should be asked to leave.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Confirm what she said. Check all her email FB accounts. Do it without telling her


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I agree with warlock. Independent confirmation is in order.

Yes many cheater beg you to not leave on D-Day. Of those, something like 95% continue the affair nonetheless. Surprising, isn't it?

Get an independent confirmation of where you stand.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IDK if I mentioed this but, but her capacity to decieve you is now there. Be aware of the "term cake eating" thats when a wayward keeps there spouse around for security and stablity, and continues to have OM on the side.

Many betrayed don't understand why the wayward tells them they love and care and want the marraige, its a lip service to keep the spouse around to keeping taking care of them while waywards continue to go off and sleep with someone that could never take care of them the way the betrayed can.

As you can see there is alot out there with regards to infidelity so I strongly suggest get some books and learn.

read "After The Affair" by Janis A Springs


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sorry you are here. Can you recover from this? Yes, provided your wife is being honest about this.

You will need counselling as a couple and as individuals. Was it your fault? No.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its about time someone showed besides me to help this guy out


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

I am so sorry you are here, I am 10 weeks past dday, My WW(wayward wife) hooked up with and old friend on FB also....It lasted for 15 months.

You need some time off work first, Take it, you are going to need it. You are saying the same exact things I said and thought on DDday. My wife and I are making it, it's not always easy but yes, it's very possible.

You have a long several weeks ahead of you my friend. The images of the OM will plague you for a long time. But it will get better with time. You will probably have mind movies too, where you see them together, just know this is normal, it sucks but it's normal. 

The guy had some good advice. You need to decide what you want to do, what you really want to do.

You need to know that NC is established, is she still talking to him, contacting him?
Review your cell logs to see if her story matches up with what she is telling you. You need the truth, the whole truth. Sit down with her and get it. Then you need ALL passwords to her email, FB etc. she MUST be completely transparent.

It sounds like she wants to work this out, and she is sorry which is a good thing. Normally the WS(wayward spouse) is defensive and combative, it doesn't sound like the case with you. This is a good thing.

Is she defensive when you ask questions?

Call your boss and take time off work. I did, but I didn't leave the house, I just figured out what I wanted to do with her there.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Facebook? Have her give you the passwords. Phone texting? Check the bill and the stored messages on her phone. What type phone?

Right now, you need to investigate without giving her an opportunity to destroy evidence (obstruction of justice).

Just because your wife gave herself away and is acting remorseful now doesn't mean it's over. Affair sex is the best sex ever. A huge explosion of dopamine, norepinephrine, and other chemicals put your wife on a crack-like high. Then there are the warm fuzzys from the mood elevating chemicals in his semen, which is why they didn't use a rubber. If a guy has high quality semen, this extends the afterglow for a couple of days. You can't compete, since she's got a tolerance to your brand.

After a few days, she's going to want it again. That's when they start sneaking around or turn nasty, provoking arguments, etc.

Here's a seemingly odd question that's important, how often do you get hit on by women? How often in front of your wife?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

the guy said:


> Its about time someone showed besides me to help this guy out


I had to go to the shops and come back and feed the cat!


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> she begins begging me not to leave her and tells me how much she loves me and *this had nothing to do with the sex* and all that..


Did she volunteer that or was that an answer to a question of yours? If she did volunteer it is like that stuff on youtube when a guy says "i'm not a racist" right before saying something incredibly racist...

What did she says the reasons for it were?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I know a small percent will read long replies so I'm concerned OP is taking it in.

There is so much to this crap, I know I'm missed something!

Its been 2-1/2 years since me and my fWW (former wayward wife) went thru this sh!t. 

BTW it can be salvaged if WW does the heavy lifting and shows thru her action true remorse.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Did she volunteer that or was that an answer to a question of yours? If she did volunteer it is like that stuff on youtube when a guy says "i'm not a racist" right before saying something incredibly racist...
> 
> What did she says the reasons for it were?


It wasn't the sex. It never is and the OM is never bigger than the BH. That's how you know it was great sex.


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## ReturnOfTheKitty (Aug 11, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I had to go to the shops and come back and feed the cat!


Stop talking about the cat


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## ThoughtSheWasMine (Aug 11, 2012)

Maybe this was a bad idea.. some of this really hurts. Maybe im being a babby about it, but why the hell would I want to hear anything about his great seamen and her craving for it? Really? ?how the hell does that help me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> It wasn't the sex. It never is and the OM is never bigger than the BH. That's how you know it was great sex.


I have to disagree that it doesn't necessarily have to be the BEST sex.... as per your previous post.... there are a lot of physiological benefits despite the quality of sex or the size of the penis.



Machiavelli said:


> Affair sex is the best sex ever. *A huge explosion of dopamine, norepinephrine, and other chemicals put your wife on a crack-like high. *Then there are the warm fuzzys from the mood elevating chemicals in his semen, which is why they didn't use a rubber.


The hormones and neurotransmitters alone can make it highly addictive.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

ThoughtSheWasMine said:


> Maybe this was a bad idea.. some of this really hurts. Maybe im being a babby about it, but why the hell would I want to hear anything about his great seamen and her craving for it? Really? ?how the hell does that help me?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It IS hard!!!! Every betrayed spouse here on TAM is here to help you! Please stay and listen. Some of it might be too much to take. My H, Dig (also a BS), can attest to the challenges of TAM and how hard it is to listen to those who have the experience and have been here a lot longer. Take a deep breath, give it some time to digest. You are here because you need help. Please let those who know best help you!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sure there is a large degree of decieption here, but sometimes the price a WW pays to have this emotional attachment with the AP (affair partner) is the sex.

If the OM doesn't get the sex the WW will surely lose this "awsome" friend.

Thats what I think...as niave as OP's WW is, I think her lack of boundries for going over to OM place was not to have sex but the OM said all the right things. 

I could be wrong WW could have been seeing OM for years and the EA just turned PA.

I could also me wrong and it could have been a PA for a very long time with his best friend.

Hell worste case is she is a serial cheater and there are multiable OM.

OP just doesn't know anything other then what WW has told him..............ICEBERG..................


Point here is OP owes it to him self to fully investigate this crap.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It helps you understand what and who you are dealling with.

Sure some guys consider this a deal breaker period and thats fine.

Other guy have kids, house, retirement, income property, and assets....helll they just love the sh!t out of there WW and then there is a certain degree that may be a deal breaker. Like if the A is continuing.


Was it a one time deal... a mistake worth forgiving...if so what are you really forgiving.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have kids and alot of history (22 yrs) and alot of asset. I set my boundries and the consequences if they get crossed.

Point is its selvagable if you want to keep her and she does the heavy lifting and #1 finding out who you are *now* married to.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

2 things you have to consider.

You say you're a family man and she's unwilling to be a mother. Is it worth to sacrifice something so important now that she's proved to be unfaithful, despite no marital problems?

Second, she needs to give you a valid/rational reason as to why she did this. You don't just end up and sleeping with someone you know from high school if have a 9 year relationship with another. Not at least if you have any value for your SO.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ReturnOfTheKitty said:


> Stop talking about the cat


Oddly enough, I just found his photo! :cat:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you sweep this under the rug b/c its so painful your marriage is toast...not now , not in a month, but in years....see it takes time for the resentment to build up in you.

What will your WW learn from all of this if you sweep in under the rug?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Ok TSWM, the reason this is important is because its the reality of your situation. A lot of cheaters will break down, cry, beg when confronted and then a week or two later you'll see evidence of her still in contact with the other man and perhaps even erasing the messages. 

It can be rough, everything is shaken up now, but a week later she may tell you she just isn't willing to have the OM out of her life. And some of the time the reason will be for the electrifying and bonding sex she may have had with this man. 

You're not gonna get her real feelings on this for quite some time, especially since you had to poke and prod her for the dirt so its not like she sat you down and confessed to it, and the distinction between the two is very important. 

Rug sweeping this will be the death of your marriage so please eventhough what you may read here can be tough and frank, stick around and let people help you and help yourself by having an understanding base to vent to. 

Your marriage is going to have to change. 

She got in contact with him, find out why.

She went over to his house, she knew what was gonna happen and don't let her tell you otherwise. You don't go to an ex's home expecting an iced tea and a good chat. She is downsizing it, they didn't just 'wind up there' either. She knew there was going to be sex, but she still went anyway. Find out why and "I don't know" isn't an acceptable answer for anything you will have to ask her.

Did they really just have sex one time? For you to EVER have any modicum of trust in her again you are gonna have to know EVERYTHING, all the gory details, the lies, all of it. Did she do oral? Anal? did she do things for him she wouldn't do for you? Did she kiss him the same way she kisses you? If you don't know everything and choose to reconcile, the possibilities and unknowns will haunt you and make the mind movies 200% WORSE with you imagining hundreds of different ways they had sex.

With all that you won't be able to move on completely, and you will begin to resent her for it

Even though your resentment has a good reason for it, it will cause her to resent you and you'll end up in a false reconcilation and a bad marriage. 

I'll give you my view of it, do you really want to get back together with her? You have no children and she told you a few days ago that she didn't want any kids. 

You've just been confronted with a woman who has betrayed your trust and voiced opinions of not wanting children.

Also if you do get back together she may only have children as some form of recompense to you for her cheating, not because she truly wants to be a loving mother to your children.

Theres a lot of land mines here and bad signs for the future of a marriage with strife this early on. You've been together nearly ten years and yet she does this within the first two years of the marriage. 

If you want to reconcile, go to marriage consoling with her and individual consoling for both of you. If that is your choice and everyone here will respect it. 

But faced with the issues above, now would be the best time to cut your losses, and go find someone with whom you can have a completely trusting relationship because you'll never be able to fully trust her 100% again, ever and you need to think about that emotional ceiling that would be in the relationship if you choose to reconcile.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Empty Inside said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Empty?????


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Empties reply was empty!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

That msg was longer than I thought.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

I am sorry to hear about your pain. You will continue to have a lot of questions. Ask about the OM. How long they were talking before the affair, how they decided to meet. Lock her on a story and then verify. Get her phone and look at all the texts and check the phone bill. If they have been talking and texting for a while, it may have happened more that once.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> Empty?????


I'm at the movies with B1, trying to work/on and reconcile my own marriage and I'm reading this story and my heart is breaking. I truly believe that TAM was instrumental in helping B1 and me get started on the road to reconcialtion. But the truth is these guys often do more harm than good in the first few days when the BS's and the CS's are both the most vulnerable. If you run people off before you get a chance to help them then what do you accomplish? All of these inflammatory accusations are not helping this man.

Now, TSWM, I am the wife of Betrayed 1 who posted here earlier, there is hope, and a few things you wrote make me think that this might truly be a one time incident and that this was a terrible mistake she won't repeat. I'll post later. Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You wont get the real reason why she cheated for quite a while, maybe months or years away.

She'll trickle-truth you. She'll tell you what you want to hear (which is not necessary the whole truth) because she wants to minimize the fallout. Even though she confessed, it's very possible not the full detail or motivation.

Her reasons could be anything from being abused when she was young to the fact she's just morally weak. You will not know for a while.

A key question for you is if you want to stay. You do have that free ticket to leave. Or, you can decide to ride it all out the next decade or so and see if your disappointment/resentment dissipates.

In the meantime, you're going to through hell. 

Read up on the "stages of grief". Google it. The marriage you have had is now over. It's future depends solely on you now.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

aug said:


> You wont get the real reason why she cheated for quite a while, maybe months or years away.
> 
> She'll trickle-truth you. She'll tell you what you want to hear (which is not necessary the whole truth) because she wants to minimize the fallout. Even though she confessed, it's very possible not the full detail or motivation.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

This is a brand new 0ne year old marriage with no kids, you need to run from her like the devil was after you. The infidelity experts say that if you are in a new marriage with no kids the best thing they recommend to do is to divorce. This does not auger well for your marriage with her. 

You have no idea how lucky you are to find out now.


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## ThoughtSheWasMine (Aug 11, 2012)

I want to hold her and love her so bad its making me sick..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

ThoughtSheWasMine said:


> I want to hold her and love her so bad its making me sick..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then hold her. She's your wife. She made a horrible choice, not a mistake, but a choice. After my Dday me and my wife held each other a lot and cried A LOT, well I cried a lot. 
The next minute we may have be arguing, or dealing with the A, but when I needed her I held her period. It's an odd thing, Your source of pain WILL ALSO BE your source of comfort.

Now, This doesn't mean you rug sweep, it doesn't mean you don't get the whole truth, it simply means you love her and are finding comfort in her arms. This will go against a lot of what people are telling you to do, I know, but hold her then, cry together, talk, let her talk, listen to her. Find out why she did it, and know one thing, it's not your fault, This is all hers, she has to own this, she will have a reason, what is it?

You STILL MUST verify NC, you still need to check those cell records, and get passwords etc. You have got to also decide what you want, I think I already know, but you do have some details to get and those are going to hurt like hell, can you handle them?. She has a LOT of heavy lifting to do also, a lot of explaining to do and making up to do.

I hate to bring this up but you also do need to worry about STD's. Sorry but you really do!

You are going to have questions, they will pop in your head all throughout the day, ask them, get your answers. You will probably want sex details, be prepared for the answers if you ask, some people can handle them, some cannot. I got a lot of details, some helped but some made things worse, it's a mixed bag. Some don't want all the nasty details, that's your call. My counselor isn't big on getting the details he says it only hurts things in the long run.

Again, take time off work to focus on this. It's awful when your trying to work and this is all you can think about. At 10 weeks past Dday it's still consumes a lot of my thoughts. It's not near as bad but it's just always there still.

Hang in there I know it hurts, but it will get better with time, promise.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

betrayed1 said:


> Then hold her. She's your wife. She made a horrible choice, not a mistake, but a choice. After my Dday me and my wife held each other a lot and cried A LOT, well I cried a lot.
> The next minute we may have be arguing, or dealing with the A, but when I needed her I held her period. It's an odd thing, Your source of pain WILL ALSO BE your source of comfort.
> 
> Now, This doesn't mean you rug sweep, it doesn't mean you don't get the whole truth, it simply means you love her and are finding comfort in her arms. This will go against a lot of what people are telling you to do, I know, but hold her then, cry together, talk, let her talk, listen to her. Find out why she did it, and know one thing, it's not your fault, This is all hers, she has to own this, she will have a reason, what is it?
> ...


"LIKE"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

We still don't know how remorseful she is, is she hugging and crying cuz she caused OP pian but still continues the A?

I'm all for hugs and kisssing and crying but at the same time OP has said nothing about his WW actions after the confrontation.

To give you the best advise and perspective we need to know what WW's curant actions are.

Is this an exit affair? 

I'm all for R but if WW continues to emotionaly torture OP then different advice my apply.


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## ThoughtSheWasMine (Aug 11, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThoughtSheWasMine (Aug 11, 2012)

She is.. she's a mess... she wants me to hold her.. she has tried to sleep with me. She is begging me nit to leave her. She says she will do whatever it takes..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> I have to disagree that it doesn't necessarily have to be the BEST sex.... as per your previous post.... there are a lot of physiological benefits despite the quality of sex or the size of the penis.
> 
> 
> 
> The hormones and neurotransmitters alone can make it highly addictive.


In the end, it's all the same thing, cause it comes out of the same thing. Just the taboo aspect of adultery makes it thrilling according to the denizens at Cool's.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

ThoughtSheWasMine said:


> Maybe this was a bad idea.. some of this really hurts. Maybe im being a babby about it, but why the hell would I want to hear anything about his great seamen and her craving for it? Really? ?how the hell does that help me?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because you need to have your head in the game and understand what you're up against. She said sex had nothing to do with it. Well, every woman says that, even the ones meeting 15 guys on AM. It's just more rationalization hamster BS. If you buy into her bull, rewrites, and rationalizations how does that help you?

You need to start reading, man. Roissy, Athol Kay, and Vox Day have it all distilled for you. It ain't pretty, but you need to see what's what in the cold light of morning.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why is she saying she needed someone to talk to and why she picked him?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Why is she saying she needed someone to talk to and why she picked him?


Exactly, don't let her emotions mix with yours. If she cares so much and loves you so much why couldn't she have come to you and why did she cheat? You gotta get a real answer from the heart on this

I don't know or I was lonely is nothing but an excuse, and don't let her say it was a mistake. *It was a choice she made, not a mistake.* 

Also don't sleep with her. I'm sorry, but she may have gotten an STD from him.

The idea of that is heavy I know, but most intercourse in affairs are unprotected and even if he used a condom the risk is still there albeit lower.

She needs to go get checked out, fully.

If she comes back positive and you've slept with her since the affair then you need to get checked out as well.

The fact that she would even try to sleep with you and put you and your health in danger is appalling and you need to be angry at that. 

Your emotions are all over the place right now. Eventually they will settle, and when the do, the anger will hit you and hit hard. You will be furious and wrathful. And the last thing you'll want to here is that you've tested positive for HIV, Herpes or some other STD.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Find the OMs gf or wife and with your wife exposé his cheating.

This isn't revenge this is tellong someone else who has a need and right to know the truth.

As for you wife, I assume you now control her Email, phone, texting, and fb passwords?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I don't know your thoughts on how you are gonna deal with this---but like it or not---this must be dealt with harshly---you just can't let her go back to life as it was---with no consequences, and accountability

You cannot be lovey--dovey, or mr nice guy---if you are, you are just condoning what she has done---and telling her its OK, you will be with her anyway---and you don't mind following where another man has been, which she WILLINGLY allowed to happen

You kick her out of the marital bedroom, and put her, her clothes, and her cosmetics, in a small room in your home, and that is where she lives for now---this will give her a little perspective on what life would be like if you D, her, and she becomes a single, D, woman out on her own in the big wide world.---you are not planning a D., but she doesn't need to know that

You have to handle this harshly, cuz she has to know, that if she ever does this again, the mge, is over----and right now she needs to be held accountable for her actions----she does not just get to go back to her cushy lifestyle, and the way it was prior to her cheating

You must also make sure she goes to IC, and finds out WHY this happened, and she needs to fix that WHY.

If you are nice, or sweep this under the rug---the next time there is a marital problem, big enuff for her to justify, looking for help via single men, she will do so, cuz she will remember that you were pretty weak on how you handled things this time

You may not like this advice, but it does work, and in the long run, it will save you much grief, if you intend to go for R.

One other thing---make her sign a POST--NUP.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

ThoughtSheWasMine,

My man, you are getting lots of good advice.

But the 1st thing you need to do is calm down.

You probably need a day away from the wayward wife just to get your thoughts together.

1. Your wife told you. That is very rare. Take it as a sign that she feels guilty for what she did. 

2. She is all over you. That is also a good sign because there is a chance she is truly remorseful for her actions.

3. You need her to be totally open with you. You need the truth. Look at her FB. Look at her cell. Do not let her delete anything. If she blocks you from info tell her she will have to leave the home.

4. Educate yourself on how to deal with infidelity. If you have insurance I would recommend finding your wife a counsellor that deals with infidelity. She needs to understand why she cheated. She needs to understand why she went to someone outside of the marriage to confide in.

5. Your wife needs to learn boundaries.Her relationship with this OM went from a EA to PA. She needs to understand why she did this and how to prevent it in the future.

6. She needs to get tested especially if the sex was unprotected which it sounds like it was.

7. You should go speak to a lawyer so you understand your rights no matter if your Reconcile or Divorce.

8. Your wife needs to understand it is now your decision to Reconcile or Divorce.


Again, calm down. Do not let your emotions get out of control

You are going to be sad, mad, angry, happy, upset and feel betrayed. Your emotions are all over the place.

We call it the rollercoaster.

Keep an open mind to our advice and you will get to a better place in time.

HM64


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

ThoughtSheWasMine said:


> She is.. she's a mess... she wants me to hold her.. she has tried to sleep with me. She is begging me nit to leave her. She says she will do whatever it takes..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We do need a little more info than you are giving us to help you. I know you are hurting, your wounded and some of the things you read on here were tough, but you have to be tough too, you have to get control of yourself. People here can help if you let them. IF you have it in you and you can please provide some information than will help us help you.

Has NC been established?
How long did this last...really last?
What was her reason for doing this?
The guy asked a good question, She seems remorseful already but why is she crying?
Do you have her passwords to everything?

You do need to get an appt. with a MC(marriage counselor) ASAP. 

Have you verified phones records, again you may not want to do this, but you CANNOT rug sweep this, this means you can't ignore it and just move on. This is a BIG DEAL and must be addressed. She has done something really bad and violated herself, you and your marriage. If you want to rebuild then DO NOT ignore this issue.

I am afraid you are going to try and ignore this and move on. Which is btw, exactly what I did on my first Dday and it was WRONG!! IT came back to haunt me with a Dday #2. That means my Wife went back to the OM after a short time. We never addressed the Affair or the problems in the marriage prior. We just held each other a lot, had a lot of great sex then in a few weeks everything went back to normal, which was bad very bad. Don't make this mistake. 

Address this now and if you want to rebuild then fine, but don't blow this problem off because, in one way or another, you will face it now or later, better go ahead and face it all now.


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## ReturnOfTheKitty (Aug 11, 2012)

> She is.. she's a mess... she wants me to hold her.. she has tried to sleep with me. She is begging me nit to leave her. She says she will do whatever it takes..


You should resist the impulse to hold her or tell her that you love her or more importantly sleep with her. Why don't you test that "I will do whatever it takes" a little? I know this advice may sound counter-intuitive but you need to rub her nose to the grinding stone till you're able to come to terms with what has happened, otherwise you'll just be dealing with an emotional vamp thats going to feed off you.

You ever heard of tough love? Now's the time to show tough love. Besides, the lure of acting like a total jackass and getting what you want alternating between raging at her and then being cold and still get her to react in a very supplicating manner to forgive her would definitely tempt me.


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