# My Husbands Best Friend



## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

I know this is probably not a new topic but I need some advice or to know that I am not alone in this. 

I have developed some feelings for my husbands best friend in the past year. 

First off, let me start by saying that I would absolutely, 110% never try to act on the feelings. My marriage hasn't been the best marriage but I still do not believe in cheating, especially when it would tear apart a 30 year old friendship. 

His friend has been going through a tough time and I feel like a lot of my "feelings" started when we were helping him through it. I caught myself wanting to console him/make him feel better. Like I wanted to be there for him, take on the motherly role and fix things. I have always felt that he was an attractive person but I never thought anything other than that. 

I now catch myself having little fantasies about him and I have been having sexual dreams about him lately. 

I am not looking to pursue anything or even admit any of these things to him or my husband. What I need is some advice on how to nip this is the bud. 

I don't think having fantasies about other men when you are married is wrong, but I do have a sense of guilt that they are about a childhood friend of my husband and who was the best man at our wedding. 

Any advice or anyone else going through something similar? 

I have tried pushing him out of my mind and it works usually until I have a dream about him.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Danger ahead on this one. First off, what you describe is not taking on a motherly role...it's taking on a wifely role. Don't confuse the two.

I know it's easier said than done, and the logistics could be difficult, but you really need to avoid contact with your husbands best friend. That means no phone calls, no texts, no Facebook, no one on one, and minimal social with your husband around. Probably the most difficult part of that is going to be when your husband and/or his best friend ask you what's up...you'll either have to tell the truth, or lie...neither is good.

Be careful too of the common thought process that you simply can't cut contact with your husbands best friend because you don't want to be rude...what is more important...your husband and marriage, or his best friend?

You know you are in a dangerous situation. You are tempted.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Awwww . I wonder if you could schedule a session or two with a counselor about this?


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Danger, Will Robinson!!

You MAY have perfectly innocent feelings, but those feelings can SO easily become an EA....if they're not already!


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Awwww . I wonder if you could schedule *a session or two *with a counselor about this?


.....or seventeen....


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## Joe Cool (Feb 24, 2015)

Well that's annoying. No contact unless absolutely unavoidable and no more discussion about relationships. STAY AWAY. And stop idealizing.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Read these 2 threads.... it's eye opening to the chemicals that infiltrate our brains when these feelings enter in, if it escalates in any way..say on HIS END... slippery slope!!....DANGER DANGER DANGER !








...http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html








...http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html

You said your marriage "hasn't been the best marriage"....can you share with us more about this.. what is happening between you & your husband... this is where you need to put your focus...what is missing that your affections are turning to another? Is there built up resentments, fighting over $$... "apathy" has crept in ? 

How is the communication, and sex life ? Are your Love Languages off... missing each other, one wants THIS ... the other craves THAT -sort of thing.. 

Getting down to what is causing this breach.. working on it will be your 1st step to finding each other again...reigniting the flame where it needs to be.... hopefully he is just as willing to meet you half way.. surely your husband feels something is "off" too...

Reading a book like this can help understand our 10 emotional needs.. a chapter devoted to each..

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  

After this, you can work on Reviving the excitement , spicing things up.. I picked up this book yrs ago wanting to spice things up in my own marriage.. I really enjoyed it !...

Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin with Your Spouse


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Every time you catch yourself having little fantasies about him, fantasize this: your husband walking in on the two of you, the shock, disbelief, horror and pain on his face, him handing you divorce papers and marrying a hotter, younger woman he can trust. That ought to nip it in the bud.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Fitnessfan said:


> Every time you catch yourself having little fantasies about him, fantasize this: your husband walking in on the two of you, the shock, disbelief, horror and pain on his face, him handing you divorce papers and marrying a hotter, younger woman he can trust. That ought to nip it in the bud.


Good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

If you actually want to nip it in the bud, why not just tell your H that you sense a sexual vibe between you and his friend and that you think any time bonding with him would be a distraction to you and potentially detrimental to your marriage. Help enable your H to protect your marriage, by equipping him with this important bit of information so he doesn't unwittingly contribute to the problem. If you don't acknowledge the threat with your H, and instead your feelings for the OM develop deeper, then you are seriously disrespecting your marriage and your spouse. Should you not nip this and it culminates the potential for damage is real and may end in a broken hearts and covenant.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Is your marriage still as rocky as your threads indicated 1.5 years ago?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Fitnessfan said:


> Every time you catch yourself having little fantasies about him, fantasize this: your husband walking in on the two of you, the shock, disbelief, horror and pain on his face, *him handing you divorce papers and marrying a hotter, younger woman he can trust. * That ought to nip it in the bud.



Hey, wait a minute, you don't have to be younger in order to be hotter .......


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Listen all this advice is helpful but you realize that you are susceptible/vulnerable because you are needy ATM. Right?

I have not read your other threads, but if Dogbert is right (and I think he is reliable) then to disarm the power of this fantasy you have to address your unmet needs in an honorable way.

If you were married to this man as long as your husband you might be falling for his best friend (your husband) instead.

Btw at this point the woman will usually say "oh no but he was cheated on, he is a great guy. The woman was a terrible person." 
That is blinder speak. 

He contributed to the death of his last relationship significantly I can almost guarantee it.

You are not a bad person but your radar is up for an emotional connection because your emotional fuel is running low.

Do you want to make the biggest mistake of your life and damage everyone you care about? I don't think so.

*Remember if you let someone meet your emotional needs you will fall in love with them!!!!*

Deal with your life and set a boundary that you will not let someone else in that position while you do.

I wish you well and good for you in looking for help.

Take care!


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Treat these desires as a wake-up call that something needs to be done about your marriage. You see something possible in this other man that you are not currently experiencing with your husband.

Invite your husband to improve the marriage with you. If he asks why, tell him that observing his friend's situation has you worrying that your marriage is not as strong as it could be. Depending on what your friend's situation is, you could personalize it a bit, just don't discuss your dreams.

Strengthening your marriage should put you in a position where you feel less attraction to anyone outside of it.

As for nipping it in the bud, be careful not to be alone with your husband's friend. Acting on anything would only hurt all three of you, as I'm sure you know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

behappy123 said:


> Any advice or anyone else going through something similar?


Yes. Read His Needs Her Needs, get your husband to fill out the questionnaires together, and start putting some REAL effort into making your marriage AMAZING. 

Once your marriage is that fabulous, and your H starts meeting your ENs and isn't LBing you, he'll be all you can think about.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

intheory said:


> behappy,
> 
> That quote of Decorum's above. Words of wisdom.
> 
> ...


If she is truthful with her Husband and he holds it against her or is abusive there is no chance at a healthy relationship with him anyway. But back to her court, if she doesn't trust in him and refuses to say anything, and expects her H to just perceive the threat but doesn't do anything and continues allowing his friends presence around her, she will know the blame in part falls to him for not recognizing her feelings. At first logic prevails but the longer it persists the further her and her H will become, he will be seen as a little weaker and a little less. Eventually the cognitive dissonance will have a very real chance of convincing her that she can't be happy in the relationship and it will be due to him or some cosmic fate, but in reality it will be for her entertaining her anti-marriage fantasy. Maybe luck will have it and this guy will somehow fall out of their lives, but if not then if no action is taken to protect the marriage now, the brain chemistry will do what it always does.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Lon said:


> If she is truthful with her Husband and he holds it against her or is abusive there is no chance at a healthy relationship with him anyway. But back to her court, if she doesn't trust in him and refuses to say anything, and expects her H to just perceive the threat but doesn't do anything and continues allowing his friends presence around her, she will know the blame in part falls to him for not recognizing her feelings. At first logic prevails but the longer it persists the further her and her H will become, he will be seen as a little weaker and a little less. Eventually the cognitive dissonance will have a very real chance of convincing her that she can't be happy in the relationship and it will be due to him or some cosmic fate, but in reality it will be for her entertaining her anti-marriage fantasy. Maybe luck will have it and this guy will somehow fall out of their lives, but if not then if no action is taken to protect the marriage now, the brain chemistry will do what it always does.


She needs to say something to him about something.

We know EI warned B1 time and again that she could not live without passion in her life, and he did not wake up in time.

I know he had low "T" levels but my "T" levels dropped and it did not affect my hearing.

She has to do whatever it takes (if possible) to get this marriage back on track before the damage is multiplied exponentially.

Denying (long term) intimacy of any kind,(Physical, emotional, cognitive), causes suffering in the other person.

In marriage we take vows NOT to do that. Take it seriously, make it a deal breaker if you have to.

I hope you find something that works for you two.

Take care!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Decorum said:


> *Remember if you let someone meet your emotional needs you will fall in love with them!!!!*





intheory said:


> behappy,
> 
> That quote of Decorum's above. Words of wisdom.


Yep, I stole that from Dr. Harley's blog fair and square! 




.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Happy...I'm going to buck the trend here and say; Well Done! You are human!

You infer that things are not all you would like them to be in your marriage and you are now beginning to see someone who has been around you for thirty years in a different light. 
Maybe this person COULD make you alot happier than your husband...maybe you could test the waters and have a little 'fling' with him.

We all deserve to be happy. If fantasizing about this man makes you feel good...then go ahead and fantasize...if you want to take it a further and make the fantasies a reality, go ahead - you are an adult. But be prepared to deal with the consequences if you get found out or you decide that this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

What you are feeling is normal and has happened, and will continue to happen to men and women for as long as the earth continues.

As I said, you are an adult....you know what you are doing. Make the right decision for YOU and go with it.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

askari said:


> Happy...I'm going to buck the trend here and say; Well Done! You are human!
> 
> You infer that things are not all you would like them to be in your marriage and you are now beginning to see someone who has been around you for thirty years in a different light.
> Maybe this person COULD make you alot happier than your husband...maybe you could test the waters and have a little 'fling' with him.
> ...


I hope you are trying to drive home the point that Happy is ultimately responsible for her own choices, because this comment sounds too much like an endorsement and not a warning.

To bring it back closer to reality, for us rational people that are not currently caught up in an affair or the thought of one and DO know what we are doing, let's put the focus where it needs to be: on the consequences...

Injury to self image
Injury to self confidence
Injury to sexual confidence
Loss of trust and belonging
Loss of respect
Feelings of helplessness and abandonment
Feelings of depression
Feelings of anxiety
Feelings of humiliation
Feelings of rage
Feelings of shame, guilt and blameworthiness
Feelings of undesirability and insecurity
Feelings of hostility and vengeance

All of the above are applicable to the WS, the LS, the children of the WS and many of the friends and other family members of the WS.

(taken from MarriageMoment.org: The Devastating Consequences of Infidelity)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't forget the financial downfall when your H divorces you and takes half of everything and you have to support yourself on your own. Don't forget the destruction of your relationships with your kids, your family, and probably losing all your friends.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Hi BeHappy. 

Firstly, I want to encourage you, that you had the honesty to admit this is happening for you and for seeking advice here.

I would certainly concur with some above that getting some counselling would be a good step to take. They may be able to help you develop some strategies to deal with these thoughts and feelings when they come up. And also to help improve the marriage you are in which you reported is not so great. 

One thing you said though concerned me. You said that at this point, you would in no way make the feelings known or act on those feelings. This is fine, but having been in some serious danger territory myself last year, I can tell you that that can get out of hand pretty quickly. I'm not saying that to alarm you but just be careful with your boundaries and don't put yourself in situations where you are alone with him. 

The stage of these thoughts is at an obsessive state by the sounds of it. I have been there and it's hard to break that, but even harder if things take on any kind of momentum. It's good that uoubwant tonnip this in the bid now, and that you have chosen to share here. The next step though would definitely be a counsellor, in my view.

In the meantime, maybe try and let your husband and him have "man time" if he is around, and make more time to connect with other friends. Also, a new hobby OE skill is helpful to take your mind off things. I do creative writing and have done a few courses, it's been really helpful when I've had obsessive thoughts, sexual or otherwise.

Good luck with everything and let us know how you go


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

askari said:


> Happy...I'm going to buck the trend here and say; Well Done! You are human!
> 
> You infer that things are not all you would like them to be in your marriage and you are now beginning to see someone who has been around you for thirty years in a different light.
> Maybe this person COULD make you alot happier than your husband...maybe you could test the waters and have a little 'fling' with him.
> ...


Dangerous advice. Dont try to paint wrong right!


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

behappy123 said:


> I know this is probably not a new topic but I need some advice or to know that I am not alone in this.
> 
> I have developed some feelings for my husbands best friend in the past year.
> 
> ...


Most people who end up in an EA or PA have said those very words. " I don't want to pursue anything", 'nothing wrong with fantasies, just want to console", etc. All affairs start out in the mind. When we make things pretty in our mind or constantly think about it, we become dissensitized to it. As the mind goes.. The man follows.


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