# Trust after an Affair?



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I am curious, for those of you who's SO other had an affair emotional and/or physical and you stayed together, when did you stop wondering if they'd cheat again, or did you?

Even though things are going really well, its on my mind every day that maybe its still happening. I confess I found out his password to his email (he does not know I have it, its a very very lucky guess) and I check it 2-3 times a day. Although I think he's smart enough to be super careful with it, since the reason I caught him to begin with is because of an email (he'd left his computer on by accident, he thought he'd set screen saver). I also regularly check the cell phone bill but he knows I can do that. I've even gone so far as to go by the place he is working at for the day (he's a contractor) to make sure he really is there. In every case its checked out, no suspicious emails or phone calls, or text messages and he has always been where he says.

I am not a suspicious person by nature, he carried on an obvious affair for 4 months and only because other neighbors started to talk and he went to the movies "by himself" one night, and I looked outside and saw the girl in question leave 10 min after him alone that I decided to even snoop and even then it took an email with very obvious intentions to make me realize. I'm not naive, just was very trusting. 

I feel that this whole thing changed me and now I'm suspicious and I hate that. I don't want to be anymor but then I fear I'll be the naive one to be made a fool of again and have my heart broken. We have talked about this, and he understands and has no issue. I've even admitted to checking up on him (all except the email, don't want him to know I have the password) and he's ok with it. His answer was he knew he had something to prove and he needed to earn my trust back.

So now my question is, for those of you who can now trust your SO again, how long did it take? Or do you always have that doubt?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Either in time he will prove himself by leading an open life and be accountable for what he does or, you'll catch him again. Either way it will take time for you, but how long will depend largely on him.

draconis


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

azmom--

YOU SAY:
>>>>"In every case its checked out, no suspicious emails or phone calls, or text messages and he has always been where he says."<<<<

if that happens enough times...enough for YOU...that will be when you'll quit wondering...


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## SYD (Oct 8, 2008)

Long story short, my ex cheated on me while I was on deployment in the navy.. I still married her (stupid A$$ that I was), never trusted her after that...she did it again 7 years later. I never trusted her and probably don't trust anyone that much anymore.. 

I also think it really does something to your selfesteem and confidence. mine is shot 9 years later and I'm alwasy suspiciuos, even of my new wife... figure we don't have relations 1x every 2months, so someone else must be getting it...  

Take the time and strengthen yourself for yourself...


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## bzyshopinbee (Sep 17, 2008)

I have been cheated on and like you, I stayed and continued to question in my mind everyday whether or not it was still going on. After a couple years of stressing myself out and loss of trust, I found that I needed to move on with my life, without him.

Sometimes you can never get that trust back and without trust, in my opinion, you can't live a healthy happy marriage/relationship with your partner, therefore, without happiness its not worth it.

Good Luck in your situation. Everyone is different and maybe for you, you will be able to move on from this and trust again. Only time will tell


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

my H had an emotional affair (over the phone). it's been 3 1/2 months & i am still doing the same things you are. i am still in the wondering phase. i also tell him that i am still having issue with it & he knows it's his fault. he & i both feel that it will just take time. he knows that he broke the trust of our 12 year marriage & he will have to deal with the consequences of this action. 

i know how much it sucks to be on your end! it changes who you are & makes you feel crazy & paranoid! i was never like that before either. i have good days & bad days. sometimes, out of the blue, i get the urge to check on things & question him. just part of the healing phase i suppose. we both have things we need to work on now but some days i just get angry that we're here in the first place.

if you truly want to work things out, just take each day for what it is & keep seeking out help & advice. this forum has really helped me through some low points. it's nice to hear from people who have been then & know where you are coming from. it's hard to say how long it takes to rebuild trust. i'm sure it's different for everyone, but i think it will take me a long, long time! so hang in there! as long as he is being open, do what you need to do. maybe one day, you'll just stop checking without even realizing that you don't need to anymore.

good luck! my heart goes out to you!


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## Savetherock (Aug 27, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> (all except the email, don't want him to know I have the password)


I see this in a lot of peoples posts and I just don't understand it. So I have a few questions I would like to ask if that's ok. You don't trust him right. Do you think he should trust you with these actions? Do you think you can trust someone else when you yourself are going behind their back in a distrustful manner? Even if it's cause they hurt you, is it still justified to deceive someone? 

I've been cheated on, but I would never drive away the person I love by deceitfully invading their personal space; weather or not they use it for good or bad. Maybe you can help me understand these actions.

EDIT: I agree with Draconis that an open life may definitely be needed to regain trust. But knowingly open, not just open to the SO spying on me.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Here's the dilemma: The trust has been broken. In my case, my husband was very open about letting me look at his phone, emails, etc. but since that trust was broken, I know darn well he can open up other email accounts, etc. that I would not have access to if he wanted to keep the deception going, so checking his accounts that he knows I already know about seemed pointless as I can't imagine him using them for those purposes anymore. If he thought I did not know his password, then it would be a way to validate that he's no longer doing anything deceitful. Personally, I gave up on that...too much time and energy involved and he knows where I stand if he decides to step out of our marriage, but I can understand the reasoning behind doing this.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

draconis said:


> Either in time he will prove himself by leading an open life and be accountable for what he does or, you'll catch him again. Either way it will take time for you, but how long will depend largely on him.
> 
> draconis



Thanks. I know that is true. I guess one of the barometers is that I haven't had the urge to look at our phone bill in a couple of weeks until yesterday. I sense that might get fewer and further between until I stop all together. There are also some "triggers" and this week the girl that he was with was hanging out for no reason with my neighbor, not on my property but at the edge. She's become like Glen Close in "Fatal Attraction". She's moving away either at the end of the month or the month after. That may help. 

He's ignored her completely refuses to even make eye contact. He said by doing that she'll stop doing what she is doing. So I don't make eye contact either.

I can honestly say that I've built up some trust so that is an improvement. I just hope that its for good reason.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

voivod said:


> azmom--
> 
> YOU SAY:
> >>>>"In every case its checked out, no suspicious emails or phone calls, or text messages and he has always been where he says."<<<<
> ...



Thanks for your rsponse. I think that is true, also he's been very good about supporting me when I have bad days. He said to me that he knew that rebuilding this relationship meant I'd have some bad times, he didn't expect everything to be forgiven and over in one day and all he could do was be there to reassure and support me and not get defensive. He's done that so I can't ask anymore...so I guess its just time.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

SYD said:


> Long story short, my ex cheated on me while I was on deployment in the navy.. I still married her (stupid A$$ that I was), never trusted her after that...she did it again 7 years later. I never trusted her and probably don't trust anyone that much anymore..
> 
> I also think it really does something to your selfesteem and confidence. mine is shot 9 years later and I'm alwasy suspiciuos, even of my new wife... figure we don't have relations 1x every 2months, so someone else must be getting it...
> 
> Take the time and strengthen yourself for yourself...


wow that really stinks! But for 7 years you were with her and didn't trust her? I think that must have been very difficult. Its sounds like she didn't do anything to gain your trust back either.

What's interesting is that it has not hurt my self-esteem. At first it really did then I focused on myself and decided I needed to feel good about myself and I do. Where I do have doubts is if he will ever do it again. I hope I will be able to get that trust back.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

bzyshopinbee said:


> I have been cheated on and like you, I stayed and continued to question in my mind everyday whether or not it was still going on. After a couple years of stressing myself out and loss of trust, I found that I needed to move on with my life, without him.
> 
> Sometimes you can never get that trust back and without trust, in my opinion, you can't live a healthy happy marriage/relationship with your partner, therefore, without happiness its not worth it.
> 
> Good Luck in your situation. Everyone is different and maybe for you, you will be able to move on from this and trust again. Only time will tell


Did he ever do anything to damage the trust again or could you just never learn to trust him after the affair? I just wondered how he went about trying to rebuild what he damaged or if he did?


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## Savetherock (Aug 27, 2008)

swedish said:


> checking his accounts that he knows I already know about seemed pointless as I can't imagine him using them for those purposes anymore. If he thought I did not know his password, then it would be a way to validate that he's no longer doing anything deceitful.


I'm starting to understand this a little, but not a lot. So the checking of emails and phone bills is like an accountability of his faithfulness and honesty? But you would lead him to believe you don't know his email password so that he might still have an avenue to be unfaithful with, that you have a way to monitor? Correct me if I'm mixing something up here. I'm just trying to understand.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Savetherock said:


> I see this in a lot of peoples posts and I just don't understand it. So I have a few questions I would like to ask if that's ok. You don't trust him right. Do you think he should trust you with these actions? Do you think you can trust someone else when you yourself are going behind their back in a distrustful manner? Even if it's cause they hurt you, is it still justified to deceive someone?
> 
> I've been cheated on, but I would never drive away the person I love by deceitfully invading their personal space; weather or not they use it for good or bad. Maybe you can help me understand these actions.



Sorry I should have given more background. In June our marriage seemed to be having some issues after 15 years. We've been together for 23 years, high school sweethearts. We've had a very strong relationship no reason not to trust just seemed to be drifting. He was spending a lot of time hanging out with our neighbors and an 18 year old (our former babysitter). He began having an affair in April with her. She joined some of our family outings as she'd been the kid's babysitter but if I'd not been so naive I'd have seen that as being strange and instrusive. We are closer in age to her parents, were friends of ours. In fact DURING their affair as a family we were invited to spend the weekend with them in their mountain cabin. 

When I started seeing things I didn't like, I knew a relationship was going on but didn't think physical I told him I thought it was damaging our relationship and it wasn't right. He lied. In fact turned the tables on me. I wasn't giving him enough attention, I was working too much, etc. When I started seeing evidence he again lied. On my birthday I could tell he didn't want to be with me, so I asked him if he wanted the weekend alone and he said yes. I took my kids and went and stayed somewhere, he had no problem with this. Then I caught him outright. He wanted to go to the movies by himself one night. Left me and the kids at home on our son's birthday for a movie alone??? I watched him leave, and I watched her leave right after him. I was sure. He left his email up and for the first time ever I looked at it. Nothing in the inbox but the sent box told the whole story. I called him, told him I knew for certain he was not alone and he was cheating. He lied. I told him not to come home and that it was over. 

He did leave but called me, asked me what he could do to fix this. I told him TELL ME THE TRUTH IF YOU WANT ANY CHANCE IN HELL. It was then he confessed about the affair. It ended because he was caught. In a nutshell I agreed to go to counseling and he knew he had a lot of work to do, the lies went on for a long time and as I told him, he had me convinced. 

He recently confessed to me that he did have a few more conversations through email with her after D-Day but never to try to continue the affair or try to see her just to see how she was doing and he did tell her he was going to see if he could work it out with me. That hurt, he initially told me all contact stopped that day but he did confess it later on. He also confessed that he'd not been entirely truthful about the details. I'd pressed needing to know when it started, how long it lasted. He said to protect me he downplayed it, said it happened twice and the first time was a month ago. In truth it was a lot more than that, all under my nose and lasted 4 months.

So I do have doubt for good reason. I was up front about this from day one saying that I will not trust him overnight and may never. He said he was willing to do what it took to regain that trust and knew it wouldn't be easy. I've never given him a reason not to trust me. This is why this is all so hard for me to understand. 

To complicate matters, the neighbors I mentioned...well the wife is the best friend of this girl (and more, she's bisexual they are open about their sexual relationship) and that same neighbor has 3 kids. Because he ended this affair and won't talk to the girl, the neighbors also turned on us. Her parents are our other neighbors and they are moving so we are being blamed. Its all so complicated! This neighbor started shouting at me one day, long story but anyway she finished by saying to everyone standing there my husband had an affair with her friend. The people standing there were 7 children. My two, her three, and my daughter's 3 friends. My children were very much hurt by my husband's thoughtless actions. 

So this runs deep...if I trust him again and its a mistake I am not the only damaged if I am making a mistake about trusting again. 

To answer your point on trust, yes relationships are built on trust so in order for this to work one day I have to be able to trust him again. I do somewhat, but not like before. My question was more about people who experienced this did they ever fully gain it back. That's my fear that I won't gain it back.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

bluebutterfly0808 said:


> my H had an emotional affair (over the phone). it's been 3 1/2 months & i am still doing the same things you are. i am still in the wondering phase. i also tell him that i am still having issue with it & he knows it's his fault. he & i both feel that it will just take time. he knows that he broke the trust of our 12 year marriage & he will have to deal with the consequences of this action.
> 
> i know how much it sucks to be on your end! it changes who you are & makes you feel crazy & paranoid! i was never like that before either. i have good days & bad days. sometimes, out of the blue, i get the urge to check on things & question him. just part of the healing phase i suppose. we both have things we need to work on now but some days i just get angry that we're here in the first place.
> 
> ...


Thanks, sounds like you really are coming from the same place. Its hard. One thing that does bother me is he is protective of his gadgets (iPhone and computer). Phone goes everywhere, he gets email on it as well as texts and he never leaves it lying around. With his computer it has a screensaver password, he even changed it recently. I can get in to his email and his myspace but found nothing in either to be concerned about. I've checked the phone records and no phone numbers to be concerned about and he seems to only text me and one other person. So not sure why he's so protective of the gadgets unless he doesn't want me to see his internet history. He said its because as the administrator we could mess things up. What??? Dumb excuse. Its the reason I'm suspicious. If he'd leave it lying around, honestly I'd have no interest.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Savetherock said:


> I'm starting to understand this a little, but not a lot. So the checking of emails and phone bills is like an accountability of his faithfulness and honesty? But you would lead him to believe you don't know his email password so that he might still have an avenue to be unfaithful with, that you have a way to monitor? Correct me if I'm mixing something up here. I'm just trying to understand.


I was actually up front with my husband when I first discovered the EA that I had gone into his phone and email. He has not changed passwords and is open to me checking whenever I want, which in the beginning I did but don't anymore. But yes, if I did have a password that he was unaware of the only reason I'd keep it to myself is to be able to validate...the hope would be to find nothing and in time this helps to rebuild trust.

A cheating spouse puts their spouse in a difficult position. I always respected my husband's privacy and to be honest it made me angry that I was now rummaging through his personal things because trust was broken. I felt my options were to blindly trust again or snoop and neither sounded like a good option.

In my case, my husbands actions did show true remorse and he was (still is) very good about calling me at lunch, on his way home, emailing, etc. (he still works with her) and the way we are now I could not imagine him stepping out of our marriage, but in the beginning I had some difficult days (due to the EA) and it compounded my worries...what if she picks up on that and tries to talk to him, get him back etc.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

>>>>With his computer it has a screensaver password, he even changed it recently<<<<

may i make a suggestion with regard to trust? the offender deserves none...which means the passworded screensaver is OUT...privacy is forfeited...when i say i'll do anything, it includes giving up electronic privacy...you wouldn't be out of line to ask for that...no...DEMAND that


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## Monie (Oct 17, 2008)

Hello all. I would like to get some advice concernign my current relationship. Me and my Ex fiance (R) reconnected 3 years after I broke off our engagment to marry my first husband (G). Me and R had not spoken in the whole 3 years prior to us reconnecting. Of course me and my G did nto work out. The reason why I broke off my engagement with R is because I was confused and stillin love with G and of course R. G was black and R was white, so in my culture you are suppose to stick with your own kind. I was presuaded by people and of course history and so forth. Anyhow, I realized it was a mistake and sucked it up as, OH WELL. 

Me and G had a son who is currently 2 and R loves him and treats him as his own. He is great with him. I love R and we have been together for 3 months now. Of course he is still tryign to deal with the cheating and deceiving part of our pass (Yeah I did the cheating and the lieing). I am an open book, R knows everything and I tell him everything. I do not skip a beat. I am patient, uunderstanding and when he has his episodes, I am there to listen and accept al that he says. 

O.K. I am no longer interested in G. I had to be true to myself. me and G broke it off about a year ago but our divorce was final this past September. I had no idea that me and R would have ever taked again. So I did not dump my Ex for him. We actually reconnected on IM (not knowing we were cheating with one another. 

Anyhow, my dilemna is, am I just wasting my times. The only issue, me and R has is ......yeah the big issue, the core of a relationship TRUST. At times it does but at other times, it doesn't. I so love him. I was sucha spoil, selfish brat in the past when it came to relationships. I grew up. I understand how relationships work and what is needed to nuture the growth of that. We are planning to to get engaged in spring 2009 and wed in 2010. 

I don't want R to always feel the hurt and pain of our past. I dont want R to have the worries of what I am doing or not doing, I don't want R to sacrifice his happines for me (if he feels he will not). Time, yeah I know that it takes time. On the flip side, it's been 3 years and R should not have even entertained the idea of us getting back together if he was not over the past. 

It's such an emotional dilemna. Oh yeah, R does not believe in counseling. R feels we can work it out on our own. We have good days but for the most part the issue (Trust) is being brought up more and more often the more and more time we spend together. His main thing is... R feels I am still missing around with G, eventhough when I talk to G, R is there to listening. 

Any advice?:scratchhead:


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

monie--

you said:

>>>>"Of course me and my G did nto work out. The reason why I broke off my engagement with R is because I was confused and stillin love with G and of course R. G was black and R was white, so in my culture you are suppose to stick with your own kind<<<<

in MY culture???? "stick with your own kind????" what culture is that
what KIND do you mean??? i grew up in a pretty segregated area...my state is known for it's prejudice....i wanna believe that in 2008 we're kinda beyond anything like that...my attitude doesn't cure society's issue, i know, but for your own sake, don't carry it...

i have a hard time following your post, but it sounds like you ended up having TWO affairs through this (one was an emotional affair). am i wrong?


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

Savetherock said:


> I see this in a lot of peoples posts and I just don't understand it. So I have a few questions I would like to ask if that's ok. You don't trust him right. Do you think he should trust you with these actions? Do you think you can trust someone else when you yourself are going behind their back in a distrustful manner? Even if it's cause they hurt you, is it still justified to deceive someone?
> 
> I've been cheated on, but I would never drive away the person I love by deceitfully invading their personal space; weather or not they use it for good or bad. Maybe you can help me understand these actions.
> 
> EDIT: I agree with Draconis that an open life may definitely be needed to regain trust. But knowingly open, not just open to the SO spying on me.


I believe that those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If my husband was not comfortable with any behavior that I might have shown, then I do not mind my husband "checking" on me to put his mind at ease. That's what marriage is about: Making sure your spouse feels he/she is respected and loved UNCONDITIONALLY.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

SAVETHEROCK--
YOU ASKED:

>>>>>But you would lead him to believe you don't know his email password so that he might still have an avenue to be unfaithful with, that you have a way to monitor? Correct me if I'm mixing something up here. I'm just trying to understand.<<<<<

you have NO obligation to disclose to him whether or not you have his password. you should have access to EVERYTHING...like when he comes home, you should be able to ask him "lemme look in your wallet" and he should hand it over and let you rifle through it...no questions asked


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## Savetherock (Aug 27, 2008)

This is my problem with that attitude. If you break some ones trust and want to get it back by living an open life. That is a great Idea that works. BUT if the trust breaker, doesn't give you his password to his email and you are spying on him, you are doing something wrong. If you cannot agree on a situation that makes you both happy with the rebuilding of trust, then how is lying, spying, and going behind your significant others back going to strengthen your relationship? 

It does not matter how many guys or girls they slept with. Going behind your significant others back is still going behind your significant others back. 

I agree that your life must be an open book when trying to rebuild trust. But this is something the trust breaker should be offering up or agreeing too. It is their repentance. If they do not offer up or agree to giving you access to everything then your problem is deeper than the infidelity that you suffered. Giving your significant other a false sent of privacy just so you can monitor them does not make you a good person no matter what way you look at it.


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## Savetherock (Aug 27, 2008)

voivod said:


> you should have access to EVERYTHING...like when he comes home, you should be able to ask him "lemme look in your wallet" and he should hand it over and let you rifle through it...no questions asked


I 100% agree with this. 



voivod said:


> you have NO obligation to disclose to him whether or not you have his password


I 100% don't agree with this. Communication is key.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Savetherock said:


> This is my problem with that attitude. If you break some ones trust and want to get it back by living an open life. That is a great Idea that works. BUT if the trust breaker, doesn't give you his password to his email and you are spying on him, you are doing something wrong.


really? really? YOU are doing something wrong? I'm a guy, and i love how these guys say they will do ANYTHING to heal the wound...then when told that they must be totally transparent, they back pedal....ooohhh, noooo... you can't check my email or my texts...you don't ASK for it, you DEMAND it. and the consequences to him saying no are boot to the curb...he's asking you to TRUST him by not giving you the passwords. YOU CAN'T TRUST HIM...right? isn't that why you're here?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Savetherock said:


> I 100% agree with this.
> 
> 
> 
> I 100% don't agree with this. Communication is key.


How's that communication thing working for you so far?


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## Savetherock (Aug 27, 2008)

Dude. I'm a guy. And I left my wife because she wanted a private life where she could come and go as she pleased and not tell me a thing. I refused to sink to a lower level and spy on her to keep myself happy. Now I am very happy, I am empowered that I stood up for myself and my emotions, and I am pleased that I didn't have to settle by becoming a snooping husband. 

You might not have read my messages whilst making your smart remarks or trying to psychoanalyze me. But I told you I agree that there should be no privacy when trying to rebuild a marriage after an affair. But BOTH people have to agree to it. How can you rebuild a marriage by yourself. If they both don't agree, then there is more than one problem to deal with.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Savetherock said:


> Dude. I'm a guy. And I left my wife because she wanted a private life where she could come and go as she pleased and not tell me a thing. I refused to sink to a lower level and spy on her to keep myself happy. Now I am very happy, I am empowered that I stood up for myself and my emotions, and I am pleased that I didn't have to settle by becoming a snooping husband.
> 
> You might not have read my messages whilst making your smart remarks or trying to psychoanalyze me. But I told you I agree that there should be no privacy when trying to rebuild a marriage after an affair. But BOTH people have to agree to it. How can you rebuild a marriage by yourself. If they both don't agree, then there is more than one problem to deal with.


it's not spying, it's verifying...i figured at some point you'd take offense at my posts...you're in a difficult situation...both must agree to the transparency, but the offending party has an obligation to it...you're not "settling" by becoming a "snooping husband"...let the trust be earned, or expect more of the same behavior somewhere down the road...my opinion...

fyi- i'm cheering for you...i want this to work out...


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## incognito (Oct 16, 2008)

You're pretty much screwed with regard to privacy, should you be dumb enough to cheat.

However, AZ mom (and what an amazingly movie of the week situation this is...WOW..I'm REALLY sorry), needs to focus more on why he was unhappy with her. What was wrong in the relationship? How can they BOTH make that marriage the best it can possibly be, for themselves first and the downstream effect, which is the children and happy home.

Obviously, there's no reason to cheat. You communicate, and if you've exhausted all options, you bail. However, you can't just say "You cheated on me. Fix yourself." I've seen a lot of this in my relatively short life, and the couple ends up divorced. Why? (not saying AZ mom is like this, or not working on it..just making a point because her story is so unbelievable, yet all too common)....It's because the wife becomes a megalomaniac of non-trust and snooping, and the husband starts out as a doormat who eventually gets fed-up with trying to repair something that she'll never really forgive him for, finally gets his balls back, and leaves the family in a cloud of dust and thereby fulfilling the prophecy of the incredibly sad situation it would have been had it all gone down when the affair began, or had he just left when the marriage sucked and they couldn't work it out. Why delay the inevitable and live in a loveless marriage for another few years, ya know? How miserable does that sound?

Whew...

As for AZmom...keep your chin up. Work on how to LOVE him again. Not just love like the old pair of socks he is, but love him like the new man he has to become. Don't expect an hour a week in a counselor's office to do anything. He has ****ed up SO ROYALLY that he knows he's ruined his, yours, and your kids' names all over town. You are literally all he has, and he wants to prove something to you. If you want to give him that chance, then be the ultimate wife in every way. Physically, emotionally, etc, and help him to become the ultimate husband (go to the gym and get the body you always wanted, totally change the way you do things with regard to romance, take walks together, talk sweet to him if you don't) If there was something he was AFER in that affair, think about what it was, make it YOURS, and give that to him, too! Talk to him. SPEAK to his heart. Show him that YOU are changing with him. Do these things and you'll see changes. Too often in life we say we love someone, but we aren't LOVING them. 

WORK on loving him and let HIM figure out how to do the same, and you'll find trust.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Thanks everyone for your candid responses and different viewpoints. 

I think I have learned some things and I am going to try to apply these things:

1.) Focusing on what went wrong to begin with fixing the initial problem is key to happy future:What was "missing". We've openly talked about this a lot and he has said he went looking to replace what was missing and only made it worse and made himself more unhappy. His whole attitude has changed and he says he is happy and shows it. This has taken some work on both our parts but we are in a better place. This mean having fun together, spending quality time, and open communication. 

2.) Focusing more on me: I've done this and made myself happier and more confident. Lots of time working out but also doing things that make me happy. When I am happier, I have more to give, this has helped contributed to fixing #1. 

3.) Open communication: This was more of an issue for him, and this is where he has had to learn to change. When he was unhappy or had an issue, he'd pretend all was ok until he was very unhappy then still didn't want to deal with it so "checked out". He's worked on this and he's been pretty open and supportive of me to talk about difficult things. 

4.) Its not about punishing the other for what he did wrong. While he needs to rebuild trust, I also try to only talk about this issue once in awhile. No one needs a daily reminder about how much they screwed up. I don't want to focus on the past but some issues we do have to talk to, so its a balance. 

As for the checking up on him, I do this because I'm scared. I don't want to be oblivious and its just been too soon. I'm going to work on this though.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Savetherock said:


> I'm starting to understand this a little, but not a lot. So the checking of emails and phone bills is like an accountability of his faithfulness and honesty? But you would lead him to believe you don't know his email password so that he might still have an avenue to be unfaithful with, that you have a way to monitor? Correct me if I'm mixing something up here. I'm just trying to understand.


Yeah, I guess you are right when you put it that way. Its hard to go from trusting and someone completely and that person totally betraying that trust to blindly trusting again in less than 3months. Sometimes the thoughts that it could still be going on keeps me up at night. I don't want to tell him every time I have these doubts I'd like to focus on rebuilding but not sure how to stop thinking about it. So I check to reassure myself. Not saying its right but I'm not sure what else to do.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

swedish said:


> I was actually up front with my husband when I first discovered the EA that I had gone into his phone and email.... I felt my options were to blindly trust again or snoop and neither sounded like a good option.


I think we are in the same place and agree my options right now are not so good, blind trust or snooping. This is actually something that weighs on me quite heavily.

One other issue I discovered is that there was one other time....it was 21 years ago so its not that it matters that much but two years after we began dating, he met a girl, got her number and dated her before breaking up with me. We broke up after that and I knew he'd started dating her before we broke up and I told him that was not right. If he wanted to end it he should have. A very short time later he ended it with her and wanted to get back together. I was 19 at the time and told him that I wanted to know if he slept with her. He said no, the reason why he didn't was he knew I'd never take him back (at 19, he was definately right, I wouldn't have). During this issue, I mentioned that it wasn't the first time and he must have forgotten he'd lied as he said "but I never cheated because I'd broken up with you first". True, but he lied.....I know its been too long to matter so I definately dropped it but it made me wonder if there were times in between. Has he cheated before? He swears no. 

I do have to say he became a different person while the affair was going on. He was angry, remote, disappeared a lot, disconnected from the kids, wouldn't look me in the eye... that has all changed now so maybe that is the indicator that he is being truthful and faithful. I'm struggling because I really WANT to trust.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

voivod said:


> >>>>With his computer it has a screensaver password, he even changed it recently<<<<
> 
> may i make a suggestion with regard to trust? the offender deserves none...which means the passworded screensaver is OUT...privacy is forfeited...when i say i'll do anything, it includes giving up electronic privacy...you wouldn't be out of line to ask for that...no...DEMAND that


Trying to be objective, I can see wanting to put on the screensaver password to keep my 10 year old out. She tends to use his computer without asking and has re-set settings. I have not asked for the password but I did tell him that I thought he was too private with the computer and phone and it didn't seem like he was being open. The other day he left his computer open and password didn't come up. He didn't say anything but I wonder if he did it on purpose. Because he did, I had no urge to check...


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Monie said:


> Hello all. I would like to get some advice concernign my current relationship..... my dilemna is, am I just wasting my times. The only issue, me and R has is ......yeah the big issue, the core of a relationship TRUST.


Well you need to be in contact with your Ex for your son's sake. I would suggest having an open discussion with you and R. Tell him you understand that he has trust issues and that you caused them. Tell him you want to rebuild that trust and you are not interested in being with your Ex however, you do have to communicate for your son's sake. Ask him if he can be ok with that. It will take time, and being really open is going to help him rebuild that trust. Good luck!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

loveandmarriage said:


> I believe that those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If my husband was not comfortable with any behavior that I might have shown, then I do not mind my husband "checking" on me to put his mind at ease. That's what marriage is about: Making sure your spouse feels he/she is respected and loved UNCONDITIONALLY.


I'd like to get back to the point where I felt I had his unconditional love and support. Then I think I will not need to check anything. I never felt the need before, and part of me is angry at him for damaging that "innocence". I thought we were different that other people. I guess I feel a sense of loss. We've talked about that and he says he completely understands that.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Savetherock said:


> This is my problem with that attitude. If you break some ones trust and want to get it back by living an open life. That is a great Idea that works. BUT if the trust breaker, doesn't give you his password to his email and you are spying on him, you are doing something wrong....


In some ways I really agree with you. A relationship should be built on trust or you don't have anything. I never asked him for the password. I did tell him I look at the phone and text records (its my phone bill too but I see your point)...but did not tell him about the email. He knows I checked it the first time, its how I caught him to begin with. Another piece of info is that when I caught him, I called him and he didn't answer until I texted him I had an emergency, then he called. He was with her at the time. If he'd stopped on his own and confessed trust would be easier but ending it because he was caught has been an issue for me. He also contacted her after I found out. Not to continue he said it was different just wanted to see how she was ...that too was a problem why should he care if he wanted to fix things with me. He did not admit that right away but only about 2 weeks ago (D-Day was almost 3 months ago). I'd just felt he'd held back and told him if he continued to there was no point so he said that he'd downplayed it and the affair had gone on longer than I thought and it happened more times than he'd told me and then he did tell me about emailing her the day after D-Day but not since. 

I told him that I wished he'd stop "protecting me" that I need to process all at once. Give it all to me, it will sting a lot but I can move on. Giving me bits and pieces and letting me wonder is making this extremely painful. We talked about that and his way of processing had this been him he said is all he'd need to know was that there was an affair, period. No details nothing. Ok, I get we are different but its what I needed. 

Anyway, I know if we can get past this if I can trust and that trust is well founded then we can have a better relationship than we did to begin with. I guess its just faith...hard to take that leap off the cliff though.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

voivod said:


> really? really? YOU are doing something wrong? I'm a guy, and i love how these guys say they will do ANYTHING to heal the wound...then when told that they must be totally transparent, they back pedal....ooohhh, noooo... you can't check my email or my texts...you don't ASK for it, you DEMAND it. and the consequences to him saying no are boot to the curb...he's asking you to TRUST him by not giving you the passwords. YOU CAN'T TRUST HIM...right? isn't that why you're here?


True he said to me "what do I need to do to fix this" and that he'd do anything and he also said he fully understand I have no trust and he'd have to prove it. I never did ask for the passwords to any of his stuff though. Maybe I should???? 

One thing I will say is that during all this an old friend from high school was flirting with him and he'd told me but not details but he left his email up and I read her email she sent asking him what he was doing etc. I was convinced it was the girl he'd had an affair with, with a new email alias. I told him that and he told me it was an old friend from high school (who he told me he'd been talking too...no worries she is married, 3 kids, lives in another state and gained about 100 pounds since he last saw her...just friends but she is a flirty type) ... I wouldn't believe him. So he went through his email with me sitting there to show me the other communications then went in to his MySpace to show me her profile etc. to prove it was her. 

So that's a good thing, right?

Reason I'm here is I need perspective. Obviously I cannot be objective on this and love that I get both men and women's views, those with no experience of cheating, those cheated on and those who have cheated. Its a good way to gain some needed perspective so thank you.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Savetherock said:


> I left my wife because she wanted a private life where she could come and go as she pleased and not tell me a thing. I refused to sink to a lower level and spy on her to keep myself happy. Now I am very happy, I am empowered that I stood up for myself and my emotions, and I am pleased that I didn't have to settle by becoming a snooping husband.


I think that is great, you make a good point about empowering yourself and standing up for yourself. :smthumbup:


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

incognito said:


> You're pretty much screwed with regard to privacy, should you be dumb enough to cheat.
> However, AZ mom (and what an amazingly movie of the week situation this is...WOW..I'm REALLY sorry), needs to focus more on why he was unhappy with her....


:iagree:

Thanks for some very great advice and I agree with you 100%. I've never wanted to punish him for what he did but I do want him to prove to me I made the right choice in trusting him. Our relationship is actually going very well, we've communicated more than we ever have and focus on having fun. Too bad it took something so drastic to get to this place. You are right, he is a new man, I just have to forget that one that lived here only a few months ago. Thanks again, I think your advice was awesome.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I'd like to get back to the point where I felt I had his unconditional love and support. Then I think I will not need to check anything. I never felt the need before, and part of me is angry at him for damaging that "innocence". I thought we were different that other people. I guess I feel a sense of loss. We've talked about that and he says he completely understands that.


i totally know where you are coming from. it's been a while & i am still grieving over losing that innocence we had. no i just feel like any other couple out there. i am not saying we were perfect but i always knew we had eachother's backs! now i don't feel that way anymore & i am mad. the intense crying has gone away but i do feel extreme sadness & anger. it's hard to deal with but i have told myself i need to live day by day & take it as it comes. good luck! it sounds as if he is talking to you about the situation very openly now. that is great! keep talking & just remember that tomorrow is a new day!


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## Monie (Oct 17, 2008)

Hello voivod.. I am black. G is black and R is black. You are right I was carrying on two different afairs but toward the end both knew about one another and to make thinsg worst. tehy can;'t stand one another. It wa my own doing. I allowed outside influence my decisions. I jsut want to move forward with R and get pass the past. Just dont really knwo how to proceed.


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## Monie (Oct 17, 2008)

voivod. Mis wrote....R is white.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

bluebutterfly0808 said:


> i totally know where you are coming from. it's been a while & i am still grieving over losing that innocence we had. no i just feel like any other couple out there. i am not saying we were perfect but i always knew we had eachother's backs!


That hits the nail on the head about how I feel. I won't go in to the gory details but this weekend but the best friend of the girl he cheated with (actually more than best friends she's bisexual so these two are partners) ended up getting in to a shouting match with me. I've told her and her children they cannot come on to my property as a separate issue her oldest is a bully and has been threatening my daughter. My daughter and her friend did a lemonade stand and this woman's girls came over. I wanted to tell them to leave but feeling like I was being mean didn't. Turns out I should have as when I turned my back the girls went in to my house (followed my daughter who went to make more lemonade) and stopped off in my son's bedroom and I kid you not, robbed his piggy bank! (He's four!). I caught them coming out and the piggy in the middle of his bed with some of the $$ coming out. I asked them to leave and told their mother that they came in, uninivited as they are not even allowed on my property and stole from my son (the older of these two girls has a theft problem has stolen from her parents multiple times). Anyway she starts shouting at me and then turns to my husband and screams about him being a cheater etc. I called her some not nice names (and all true) her mother was there, literally ran over and hit me twice. Police were called and they did not take her away for assualt despite the witnesses as I was not injured. Told me its a civil matter now. 

These are not people I would have ever let in my life and I felt like my husband opened the door (he hung out a lot with her and the girlfriend). He knows it, feels very guilty and it was due to him that it didn't get worse. He stood in the middle and got hit more times than I did. Unbelievable the police in this town! Long story but my daughter was once threatened by a teenager who grabbed her and threatened her (he was young and drunk, mistaken identity) and they did not arrest him, talked me out of pressing charges!!!!

Anyway, as I told my husband, yeah you had my back tonight but you let them in by what you did. Now my kids are being hurt as a result. 

I have my ups and downs and what truly helps me is exercise. I feel angry and sad a lot, he's attuned to these moods and does everything he can to help. He said something very nice last night, he told me that he loved me more than he could possibly ever show and what hurt him so bad was he never ever doubted my love for him and yet he hurt met his way. He said he didn't think he could ever make this up to me. I told him that he could. Be the great father he has always been and be the husband he is now. You can't change the past but you can be in charge of your future. 

The communication helps, I think without it we couldn't do this.


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