# Fantasies with your S/O that you're afraid to confess



## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Do any of you have any sexual fantasies that you would like to try with your S/O, but are afraid to bring up because of how it will make you appear or how your S/O will receive it?

Without being descriptive, there are a great deal of "outside the box" things I'd like to try with my wife in the bedroom, but even when I hint at trying something different, I get the "side-eye" look. She's even called me a pervert on occasion for wanting to try something new. I'm trying to break down this barrier to keep our sex life fresh, fun and invigorating, but she seems to be content with doing the same ol' thing. When I suggest, "Let's do this..." she'll respond with a loud, "What?!?" so I drop it. Wash, rinse, repeat.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Without dialogue there can be no understanding.

The problem to tackle here is your wife's reluctance to talk about sex. Obviously, she has a narrow mind set about what normal sex means to her and that's okay. But maybe she isn't really aware that normal sex actually means anything that is safe, sane, and consensual. So perhaps opening a discussion about what safe, sane, and consensual means to her might be a way to open up her thinking about sex. 

I suggest you keep your fantasies to yourself until your wife has some experience thinking outside the box with regard to sex. But by all means, you should continue to open and push for dialogue about sex.


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## TheMoon (Feb 3, 2016)

Do the quiz with her on the Mojo upgrade site. She picks what she is open to, you pick what you are open to, the results only show what you were BOTH open to. It can be surprising, and open the door to the discussion.

*Admittedly, I've not done this, but it was recommended to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

TheMoon said:


> Do the quiz with her on the Mojo upgrade site. She picks what she is open to, you pick what you are open to, the results only show what you were BOTH open to. It can be surprising, and open the door to the discussion.
> 
> *Admittedly, I've not done this, but it was recommended to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a great idea.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

coupdegrace said:


> Do any of you have any sexual fantasies that you would like to try with your S/O, but are afraid to bring up because of ........how your S/O will receive it?
> 
> ....She's even called me a pervert on occasion for wanting to try something new. I'm trying to break down this barrier to keep our sex life fresh, fun and invigorating, but she seems to be content with doing the same ol' thing. When I suggest, "Let's do this..." she'll respond with a loud, "What?!?" so I drop it. Wash, rinse, repeat.


OMG Don't get me started. YES. I feel your pain.

My wife has huge self image issues and inhibitions. There are only two positions we are allowed; missionary and cow-girl. OK, she is really good at both of them and has really mastered them, so I do enjoy them a lot. When I say really good, I mean really good when she puts her heart into it.

My wife and I were in an SSM and we had a Sex Therapist help us and suggest things. Wow, I am not the only one who touched some raw nerves suggesting things to my wife.

The ST suggest oral. My wife indicated that it was "unclean, repulsive, and disgusting." Anal....no way. The ST suggested mutual masturbation, my wife explained that she never masturbated, that it was a sin growing up and if she has needs, she has a husband to take care of them. The ST and just kind of looked at me and said she has never masturbated? I said not to my knowledge, I have a ten year old vibrator I bought her that has never had the plastic broken on the box. We each then looked at each other and said OK. 

Lingerie? Forget it. Her words were if you wanted to marry a Sl#t, you should have as I am not one and will not dress like one. Same with revealing clothes. Boots? Nope, she has told me they rub on her ankle and are too uncomfortable. High heels, nope cause foot pain. Tried foot rubs that she liked and wanted to take it to mild foot sex----nope that is disgusting.

The ST we had was really good and nationally recognized and was able to push my wife on a number of things like sexual frequency and doing non-sexual things to make me feel loved. But she couldn't even get my wife interested in any "experimenting."

The closest I came was once when she said my wife wanted more intimacy in our relationship. Well I broke out David Schnarch and let her read some of his intimacy exercises. After she read them, she told me that was too much intimacy.

Do I love this woman who is the mother of my children, wife of 44+ years, best friend, travel companion, business partner? Absolutely. Do I feel sexually bonded to her? Yes. Do I know that she loves me to the limits of her ability? Yes.

Am I going to try to push her to incorporate new things into our sexual relationship? Sort of. Will it be difficult? Absolutely.

My goal/plan is that as we get closer to retirement, I have convinced her that we should do a "tune up" on our marriage, because the change of retirement is stressful for a lot of couples we have known. She has agreed to that. I have also suggested we use a Sex Therapist to help with the tune-up and she has agreed to that, just not the one we used before.

When we do go to the new ST probably in a year or two, I am going to state that we are in this together and that one or both of us are likely to be disabled to some degree or have medical conditions that may interfere with the sexual patterns we are now comfortable with at some point in our retirement.

I will ask the ST, to talk to us about some of the things she has encountered with patients either medical conditions or disability and how people remain sexual with their spouse or how their sexuality has to evolve to include new acts or ways of expressing intimacy. 

Then I am going to ask that my wife and I choose some of the suggestions to try now so we will have a contingency plan as we get older. It will likely be hard for her, but she is the person who keeps telling me we need to do things while we are still physically able. She has friends and relatives who have lost mobility, physical control, and had to move to assisted living. 

She understands how important sex is to me. We know someone who has prostate cancer that is aggressive and he has had surgery and is likely going to have to have more surgery in a few months. I have talked to her that about 20% of those going for surgery become impotent. She has said yes, but they live. I have said but is it living and we have discussed that a little bit. She has read a book called Still Sexy after All these Years, which is interviews of women over 55 who because of divorce, death of spouse, medical condition, etc. have had to find alternate ways of retaining the sensuality and sexuality. 

I wish you luck.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I sympathize. My wife is a minefield with regards to sexual suggestions. Never know if a suggestion is going to be OK, or cause a very negative reaction. I'm sure there is an obvious pattern to her, but even after 25 years it isn't obvious to me.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

How does the saying go... do what you want and ask permission later... something like that!

>

If I am going to try something new, my wife hates me trying to ask her a ton of questions about it. She says that kind of kills the mood. She rather me just try something new and be confident, and then she says, "you'll know if I am liking it or not!"

Cheers,
Badsanta


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

TheMoon said:


> Do the quiz with her on the Mojo upgrade site. She picks what she is open to, you pick what you are open to, the results only show what you were BOTH open to. It can be surprising, and open the door to the discussion.
> 
> *Admittedly, I've not done this, but it was recommended to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seems like a good idea. Done it. If they are actually open to something, great. But as that is part of the problem and they very likely wont be open to much anything "new" or "different". Then it turns into a frustrating exercise in futility.


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## Imissmywife (Jan 29, 2016)

I am try-sexual.....Ill try ANYTHING once, and more if I like it. My wife knew this before we were married. Our pillow talk was amazing. Before we were married and in the early years of our marriage, we did a LOT of her/my/our fantasies. Then one day she shut them down.....just about all of them. Said they were things that a good mom and a proper wife didn't do. Now my hot/sexy/****ty (I use that last term as a compliment) has packed on weight and we've had sex once in the last 5 years. Feast to famine. I had a sexual buffet...now I'm starving to death!


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

There is literally nothing I cannot talk to my significant other about, and that of course includes anything sexual.

In a healthy relationship there is nothing that cannot be said. 

There's also just about nothing she wouldn't be willing to try sexually.

That's how it's supposed to be. 

I wouldn't settle for anything less and I doubt she would either.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

header said:


> There is literally nothing I cannot talk to my significant other about, and that of course includes anything sexual.
> 
> In a healthy relationship there is nothing that cannot be said.
> 
> ...



Header, i have to say, I am so jealous of your relationship. I have been contemplating leaving my wife for some time now and if i were to boil it down to brass tacks I would say its for 2 reasons.

The first is communication. We can't seem to open up to each other about anything, especially sex. I've tried and tried but get nowhere. I' ve told her if she can't open up to me after thirty years then i question if we should even be together.

The second issue is our sex life. Its had its ups and down, we've had our problems but its just gotten stale and there is no interst in fixing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

bankshot1993 said:


> Header, i have to say, I am so jealous of your relationship. I have been contemplating leaving my wife for some time now


Yeah that blows. There's nothing like open and honest communication in a relationship. Even with my exwife we were open and honest; and the sex was great up to and even during the early part of the divorce; but communication broke down in other ways and we fought all the time,.. but I digress.

There's definite benefits to divorcing and starting over with someone new, who you can have that openness with.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anon hit the target.

Being able to simply talk about sex is the first, most essential and important step towards trying new things in the bedroom.

Communication itself is erotic and sexy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You back off too quickly and you probably talk too much.  A side look or "what" may be a request for information. Stay positive because your goals are good. Anything new should be presented in a way that lets her know that you take her pleasure into account and that you are not bored with her. 

The thing is that she sounds happy with the way things are therefore, she has little incentive to change up. Can you think of a reason she would want to fix something she does see as broken. If you can then put it into action. 

( Hi Anon, miss you a lot)


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> coupdegrace said:
> 
> 
> > Do any of you have any sexual fantasies that you would like to try with your S/O, but are afraid to bring up because of ........how your S/O will receive it?
> ...


Wow! I commend you for staying 44 years, i however could not. My wife has issues but not to that extent and shes not willing to budge on them either( history of abandonment and trust issues from childhood caused it) 

Good luck man


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

I have fantasies of my husband being aroused by another woman and me watching, then finishing him off. I brought it up to him once and he went off on a tangent about, what basically ended up being, his insecurity that we will eventually act out my fantasies.

Of course when I brought up the fact that one of the top fantasies of women is to be raped by a stranger (some coin it as_ force_ or to be _devoured_, but for others, it's rape fantasies), he acknowledged that these women wouldn't then seek out a situation like that in real life.

Another fantasy that I have is being with a woman. Now, I've been married for a decade, never strayed, although I've had strong feelings for one woman in my 30+ years while being married. Overall, I've been sexually attracted to two women in my lifetime, both of whom I felt an emotional connection to. I'd like to be able to talk to him about that w/o feeling ashamed or guilty for it. I'd like to be able to discuss my fantasies, not involving a specific real life person, and involve him in it some way. 

I tried to broach my feelings about this with my husband, but overall it's been met with, "So, you're saying your bisexual now?!" He's not ready to hear that, although more than ever, I'm ready to admit that. 

I think he automatically lumps the term _bisexual_ with _lesbian_ and he pictures me cutting off my hair, becoming more on the _butch_ side of things. That isn't me either and I'm not about to go outside of my marriage to get this desire of being with a woman, met. This last year has been a shell shock to the both of us, with me developing very strong feelings for a female. Our situation in the bedroom has vastly improved though and we are much more kinky. So I need to learn to be a bit patient with him, because he has come so far on this journey with me. 

What is kinky for my husband, isn't kinky for me. What's a level 10 for him, would probably be a level 2 or 3 for me. We're worlds apart, lol. We're getting there, though...slowly but surely. >


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

there is nothing I don't talk to my wife about, she knows all my fantasies as I know all hers. We both try our best to give them to each other, though there have been a few that we have not YET done.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

badsanta said:


> How does the saying go... do what you want and ask permission later... something like that!
> 
> >
> 
> ...


I would suspect that your wife will take the "OK, didn't like it, won't try it again, move on" view. If on the other hand she took a view that if you tried something and she didn't like it, you were doing being at best disrespectful and at worst downright abusive, you might act differently. If your actions are going to be held against you and used as a reason to not have any kind of sex at all with you, then "asking permission later" may not be an option.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

My 'thing' with my fiance, is that I like to hear about the women he has been with before me...'during' sex. I don't know why this is. There is something exciting about hearing these things. There are times when my fiance will say...''can't this moment just be about us?''  

Maybe some things are best left unspoken?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> You back off too quickly and you probably talk too much.  A side look or "what" may be a request for information. Stay positive because your goals are good. Anything new should be presented in a way that lets her know that you take her pleasure into account and that you are not bored with her.
> 
> The thing is that she sounds happy with the way things are therefore, she has little incentive to change up. Can you think of a reason she would want to fix something she does see as broken. If you can then put it into action.
> 
> ( Hi Anon, miss you a lot)


I agree and think this might be a more common thing. I think a lack of confidence makes all of us too susceptible to interpreting ambiguity as a negative response when perhaps the confident suggestion could bring the enthusiasm? Does the wife have to respond with enthusiasm? Is she a sexually enthusiastic person in general? 

Ideally anyone would want their suggestions enthusiastically agreed to but it doesn't have to be this way for everything between a married couple. 

Hi Catherine! Good to see you too!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

badsanta said:


> How does the saying go... do what you want and ask permission later... something like that!





Sawney Beane said:


> I would suspect that your wife will take the "OK, didn't like it, won't try it again, move on" view. If on the other hand she took a view that if you tried something and she didn't like it, you were doing being at best disrespectful and at worst downright abusive, you might act differently.* If your actions are going to be held against you and used as a reason to not have any kind of sex at all with you, then "asking permission later" may not be an option.*


My wife has actually said that she likes me trying different things, but that she HATES it if I ask too many questions before or while I am doing it. I would assume that if you are married to someone that there should be a fundamental level of respect and trust as well as a very high level of nonverbal communication taking place. Particularly for those that have been married a few decades.

I'm from an older generation, perhaps the new generation DOES have to get consent that can be legally documented in the event of a sexual miscommunication or something like that as some people lack common sense.



> Your honor, I was trying to be sexually adventurous. How was I to know that my wife would get upset with me running through our neighborhood naked while painted like a cheetah so that I could chase her into the house as she got home from the store!


Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

coupdegrace said:


> ...when I hint at trying something different, I get the "side-eye" look. She's even called me a pervert on occasion for wanting to try something new.
> ...When I suggest, "Let's do this..." she'll respond with a loud, "What?!?" so I drop it. Wash, rinse, repeat.





Anon Pink said:


> I agree and think this might be a more common thing. I think a lack of confidence makes all of us too susceptible to interpreting ambiguity as a negative response when perhaps the confident suggestion could bring the enthusiasm!


According to the OP, she's enthusiastic - she enthusiastically says no and tells him he's a pervert. I think this isn't about the delivery/confidence of the originator, but rather that the recipient does not want to hear these suggestions in any form. It isn't "I don't like how you're asking" but "the fact that you are even suggesting this disgusts me"


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

I had always wanted to try anal but was reluctant to bring up the subject.
Our sex life is generally good I have no complaints but this dirty little secret. 
I suppose things changed when Fifty Shades came out, it opened up a whole new world.
Suddenly anything was on the table. So maybe literature could help.
Violet Blue on www.tinynibbles.com has some great suggestions for erotic literature. 



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

A few months after I married my wife, she was in a department store and ran into an old friend. During the conversation my wife mentioned who she was married to after which her old girlfriend remarked, "You married that pervert?" I have had a great sex life because I am not afraid to tell women what I like. The secret to it is how you present it. Do not tell them that you want them to whip you while tied to the bed, for instance. You start off small, maybe with just being tied to the bed when your wife teases you until you cannot take it anymore and just must have her. Nothing really bad about that. When she gets used to that, you add another little thing like maybe a blind fold. 

It took me years to get my wife to indulge all of my fetishes and I did it by taking baby steps. You cannot rush them and need to adjust your fantasies to fit their willingness to do certain things. Taking it one small step at a time I got a once virgin wife to go from no sex at all to sharing her girlfriend with me for most of our marriage. It can be done if you can figure out how to do it a little at a time and let them know that they can at least try something and if they do not like it, you will never mention it again.

Kinks are things that you would like to do while fetishes are things that you have to do. Believe me, a fetish will nag at you until you feed it and make you unhappy and even resentful, if not at least tried once.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Sawney Beane said:


> It isn't "I don't like how you're asking" but "the fact that you are even suggesting this disgusts me"


This is a very good point to examine, as the "*context*" under which one asks/eludes/attempts to try something different can cause different reactions in the exact same person.

If I went up to my wife and asked if I could stick my finger up her butt during the middle of the day while she is cooking dinner for the family, she would likely look at me with absolute disgust and get upset with me. Or she might roll her eyes and give me a purple nurple. 

Now if we were in the throws of passion and she were about to have her third orgasm, and I gently inserted a finger into her butt without even asking, she might smile and say that it feels good! Or she might have no reaction and tell me it was OK but that she found it a little distracting. 

Sometimes timing can be everything! 

Badsanta


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I wish my wife would tell me her fantasies, but she claims she has none. Its too bad, there is almost nothing she could suggest that would bother me, and a lot of things that I would do my best to find practical ways to satisfy. 

I have a wide range of fantasies, but have received enough negative reactions that I don't talk about them anymore.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I wish my wife would tell me her fantasies, but she claims she has none. Its too bad, there is almost nothing she could suggest that would bother me, and a lot of things that I would do my best to find practical ways to satisfy.
> 
> I have a wide range of fantasies, but have received enough negative reactions that I don't talk about them anymore.


Agreed. Wish my wife would as well. Though she does sound a little more open to things than your wife.

Told her as long as it doesnt involve poop, pee, or another person, I am likely game to at least trying it. :grin2:


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> Do any of you have any sexual fantasies that you would like to try with your S/O, but are afraid to bring up because of how it will make you appear or how your S/O will receive it?
> 
> Without being descriptive, there are a great deal of "outside the box" things I'd like to try with my wife in the bedroom, but even when I hint at trying something different, I get the "side-eye" look. She's even called me a pervert on occasion for wanting to try something new. I'm trying to break down this barrier to keep our sex life fresh, fun and invigorating, but she seems to be content with doing the same ol' thing. When I suggest, "Let's do this..." she'll respond with a loud, "What?!?" so I drop it. Wash, rinse, repeat.


To me, this is the essence of great sex in a marriage. If you want excitement, if you want passion you MUST talk about this stuff.
I've been trying for 24 years. Only in the last 4 years have we been successful at change.

Better late than never.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I believe the key in being successful at this (from a male point of view) is to find out what turns your wife on, first.

For some CRAZY reason I have recently found out that my wife needs MANY, MANY hours of back rubs to consistently be in the mood. She simply needs this to keep her motor running. What to do?? Rub her back. Now I do it unconsciously while watching tv. No problemo.

The second one is really CRAZY. My wifes number 1 turn on is showing me off to her friends. If I can successfully socialize and actually flirt with her friends in a way that gets back to my wife with accolades such as "your husband is so good looking" "your husband is so nice" "your husband is so good at conversation" etc. etc. 
If my wife hears these things from her friends, she wants to rip my clothes off AND is more likely to try some fantasies that I have in store for her


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

D1C said:


> Wow! I commend you for staying 44 years, i however could not. My wife has issues but not to that extent and shes not willing to budge on them either( history of abandonment and trust issues from childhood caused it)
> 
> Good luck man


Thanks.

I came very very close to divorcing my wife and she knows it. A sex therapist and a lot of effort on my and my wife's part saved our marriage, by helping us deal with the critical gridlock issues at that time. And yes my wife provides me with lots of happiness in sexual and non-sexual ways.

She has all kinds of inhibitions, self-image issues and is strong willed.. Would it be nice if she could get over them? Yes, but she has tried and succeeded in some changes and at the moment some others are beyond her. I know that only she can change herself.

I also know from reading David Schnarch that marriage is all about compromise and that she has demonstrated some willingness to compromise. Schnarch has another saying and that is that when it comes to sex, what we get is "leftovers." You would need to read his book to get the full meaning, but I think it is true in many respects. 

When I look at all the good things I like & love about my wife and how hard she works at making me happy in sexual and non-sexual ways, I view my cup as more than half full even with her hang ups. I also respect her for the changes she has made in her sexuality. Schnarch again would say that she is not broken or wrong. He would say that if she decides to change, she just needs to differentiate and self soothe to incorporate new things into who she is.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

coupdegrace said:


> Do any of you have any sexual fantasies that you would like to try with your S/O, but are afraid to bring up because of how it will make you appear or how your S/O will receive it?
> 
> Without being descriptive, there are a great deal of "outside the box" things I'd like to try with my wife in the bedroom, but even when I hint at trying something different, I get the "side-eye" look. She's even called me a pervert on occasion for wanting to try something new. I'm trying to break down this barrier to keep our sex life fresh, fun and invigorating, but she seems to be content with doing the same ol' thing. When I suggest, "Let's do this..." she'll respond with a loud, "What?!?" so I drop it. Wash, rinse, repeat.



Mrs.CuddleBug knows I like sex toys of all types and oils. No surprise there.

She knows having another woman, 3 some would be a fantasy of mine and she has mentioned it jokingly from time to time but I know that fantasy will remain just that.

I asked about anal and she said no. I accidentally almost entered her anally doing doggy style. This was an accident by the way and no was the answer.

She has opened up a bit and now allows me to give her oral and she gives me a foot job. Occasional oiled breast jobs as well.

Her fav position is doggy style. She pounds me back hard and moves from side to side, so I hit her walls.

That's it so far....


Some ladies are more conservative and shy when it comes to sex. Just like some guys are into any adventurous sex and the opposite.


Take the 5 love languages quiz. You'll be surprised. Turns out I am Physical rating 12 and Mrs.CuddleBug is Acts of Service rating 12. We BOTH have quality time as our second love languages.

Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Bad Santa.... were you thinking "Easier to ask for forgiveness than permission"?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So what if she calls you a pervert. There is nothing wrong, and a lot right, with being sexually adventurous and explorative. If you agree with that then it doesn't matter what name your wife applies, it means good in your language.

I go back to my original reply in this thread, discuss what she considers safe, sane, and what constitutes consent. 

I'd much rather be known for being a perverted freak than a repressed prude.


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

We went for several years without much talk about any fantasies. 
After discovering one of my wife's fantasies, it sort of opened the door to conversation, and we started sharing. Both of us. Led to all kinds of new things. 

Helps if there are few that are too far off the wall to try, think a matter of shared interests or something like that.


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## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

I would love to be more adventurous though I am shy. I do think it would help to be more open with her re my fantasies
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

I am wondering if we could have some of these fantasies spelled out so as to see how they rate ?? What is odd to one may not be the same to another. You could get a green light or hall pass just from explaining your wishes ???


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I find with the vast majority of women that I've been with that even the 'good girls' have really raunchy fantasies. But the key to getting at them isn't by talking about them over dinner, it's talking about them in the right context.

Meaning, while they're already horny and turned on. What turns someone off when they're not horny can be a giant turn on when they are already turned on.

Get them to open up when they're in the right context to do so safely, trust you with it, and they're already connected to their inner vixen when you do it. You may have to prime the sexual pump with some tried and true ways to get the fire lit, and then start the sex talk.

Context is everything. I call it the 'Vegas Effect.'


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Kilgoretrout said:


> I would love to be more adventurous though I am shy. I do think it would help to be more open with her re my fantasies
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This way is kinda a cop out, but I've used it successfully.

"I had this strange dream where you and I were..."

And then see what happens. Because it's a dream, so it's hard to be all judgy about it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Imissmywife said:


> I am try-sexual.....Ill try ANYTHING once, and more if I like it. My wife knew this before we were married. Our pillow talk was amazing. Before we were married and in the early years of our marriage, we did a LOT of her/my/our fantasies. Then one day she shut them down.....just about all of them. Said they were things that a good mom and a proper wife didn't do. Now my hot/sexy/****ty (I use that last term as a compliment) has packed on weight and we've had sex once in the last 5 years. Feast to famine. I had a sexual buffet...now I'm starving to death!


So she gets to unilaterally change the marital contract without your consent? When the two of you were datung she was auditioning to be your wife. You entered into the marriage expecting the good sex to continue, then she pulled the bait and switch. 

No. Tell her you don't appreciate being defrauded into marriage, and that she either resumes being the lover you need her to be, or it's pony ride day at the lawyers office....


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I think I would be a great Dom. I have this fantasy of tying up my H and whipping his butt. And make him do nasty things. But that's not him. He let me tie him up once and smack his butt. But then when it was time to pay back, I could not do it. I have trust issues about being tied up.

And he likes to be the dominant one in our sexual relationship. It's just a fantasy for me. I don't need to do it. But once in a while, I let him know I would be in charge and he needs to shut up and take it from me. Which he does with a big simile. But I don't do any crazy, just prolong stimulation and stopping at the brink. Then, doing something else and then going back to the main event. Drives him mad and makes me happy.

I should get one of those leather outfits. I am sure he would love it.

He has one fantasy. A threesome. We talk about it and what we would do if it was real. Use our imaginations really well. He knows it will never happen and it's his favorite fantasy. I have no problem indulging his fantasy in that way. 

We can talk about things we like and would like. We try to do things for each other, sometimes it's great and we have many repeats. Other times, it's a dud or one of us does not care for it and that's the end of that. Put in on the table, we can always come back to it. Once he does not ask me to pee on him or him to pee on me. I am good. Trying to practice Dan Savage's GGG. Good, Giving and Game.


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

I think it's much a case of 'Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained'. 

If you never mention anything, or either of you, you'll never know. 
It may never get past a discussion, but that's OK. 
Might be something that is totally off the table. Never going to happen. 
This could lead to something 'close', that is OK. 
Might be something that when you do it, it really turns on your spouse.
That makes it well worth the effort for me, even if it's not really my thing. Tuning her up IS my thing. 
Might be something, that you find out turns you both on. 
You never know!

Some fantasies can become part of your routine. Others, never happen.
But if you don't talk about it, you may be missing out on some fun & exciting times!


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Lurkster said:


> I think it's much a case of 'Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained'.
> 
> Might be something that is totally off the table. Never going to happen.
> 
> ...


I think you have to consider one further scenario:

It gets raised. The reaction goes beyond what was mentioned being off the table. The response is:

"The fact that you have even thought about this makes you unfit to ever have sex with me again. You are disgusting."

Evidence from a colleague of mine who brought up "A".


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

Sawney Beane said:


> I think you have to consider one further scenario:
> 
> It gets raised. The reaction goes beyond what was mentioned being off the table. The response is:
> 
> ...


Then drudge on silently, and you will never know.

Seems to me that's pretty shallow.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

I like the "I had a dream..." approach, especially when you're partner won't share any of their fantasies with you. That provides both the plant of an idea, and a way to escape the idea if it doesn't go over well.:grin2:


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Luvher4life said:


> I like the "I had a dream..." approach, especially when you're partner won't share any of their fantasies with you. That provides both the plant of an idea, and a way to escape the idea if it doesn't go over well.:grin2:


To some people even dreaming it is evidence of a sick mind...

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained" suggests that the worst-case scenario is the options are positive results or stay where you are. In reality the possibility that you end up in a negative situation you will struggle to get out of.


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

Sawney Beane said:


> To some people even dreaming it is evidence of a sick mind...
> 
> "Nothing ventured, nothing gained" suggests that the worst-case scenario is the options are positive results or stay where you are. In reality the possibility that you end up in a negative situation you will struggle to get out of.


Well, yes, those are the options.

You can have a "weird, crazy....but I'll try that maybe".
Or, 
You can have a "No way I'm going to do that" (you sicko)
Either way, a couple should be able to get past it, like so many other things that they must also get past.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Lurkster said:


> Well, yes, those are the options.
> 
> You can have a "weird, crazy....but I'll try that maybe".
> Or,
> ...


To some people, this is NOT a thing to get past - it's a deal breaker.


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

Sawney Beane said:


> To some people, this is NOT a thing to get past - it's a deal breaker.


Well, that's too bad. 

If my wife told me she voted for George McGovern in 1972, I wouldn't divorce her.
Not a deal breaker. 

To have fantasies, those that a spouse does not act on, but merely thinks about. 
Not a deal breaker.

So, we differ. 

:smile2:


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

brooklynAnn said:


> I think I would be a great Dom. I have this fantasy of tying up my H and whipping his butt. And make him do nasty things. But that's not him. He let me tie him up once and smack his butt. But then when it was time to pay back, I could not do it. I have trust issues about being tied up.


Are you trying to fulfill trust issues by having him be tied up?

And you can't do the opposite because you don't trust him, or don't trust men in general, or the relationship?

I don't think this may be a Dom/sub deal at all. That's about power and mutual high levels of trust in my experience. Not about a trust imbalance.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> Do any of you have any sexual fantasies that you would like to try with your S/O, but are afraid to bring up because of how it will make you appear or how your S/O will receive it?


No I don't having said that there was a time when I did.

The reason why I don't is because I got over my hesitation, owned what I wanted and shared exactly that.



coupdegrace said:


> Without being descriptive, there are a great deal of "outside the box" things I'd like to try with my wife in the bedroom, but even when I hint at trying something different, I get the "side-eye" look. She's even called me a pervert on occasion for wanting to try something new.


Not that I am asking you to reveal what you want to do with your wife (lest some of the prudish types here do cartwheels), it would help to know roughly how far outside of the box is? Since for some people having sex with the lights on or giving and receiving oral sex can be very far outside of the box.

Hinting at this is a pretty passive approach, if you really want a chance at this you ought to tell your wife exactly what you want to do in detail (while you are both completely sober), own it absolutely and do so without ambiguity or hesitation.

Tap dancing around this will bring you no closer to what you desire. Sexual confidence and assurance combined with plain speaking, honesty and safety go a very long way towards having a partner that is trusting enough to be sexually adventurous with you.

That said she might even surprise you and be open to some or all of the things you haven't dared to share. All of that sexual confidence and plain speaking in my experience has seen plenty of women do a variety of extremely kinky things. That said if she isn't open to any of it you should have no doubt as to where you stand inside and even outside of the bedroom.

If you wife calls you a pervert again, tell her she is so very fortunate you are not a prude.



coupdegrace said:


> I'm trying to break down this barrier to keep our sex life fresh, fun and invigorating, but she seems to be content with doing the same ol' thing. When I suggest, "Let's do this..." she'll respond with a loud, "What?!?" so I drop it. Wash, rinse, repeat.


Does your wife try to keep things fresh, is she bored and indifferent or is she completely satisfied with all of what you both already do?

If you're sick of the same old thing and your wife isn't you both have a problem, if you both can't communicate openly about this you both have a problem that can't be fixed.

Sex is a big problem if one fears what their partner might ask for sexually or one fears how their partner will react to their sexuality.

If you horrify your wife with what you want to do and she mortifies you because of it, you have both either chosen the wrong sexual partners, or have simply both grown apart as sexual partners.

On the other hand if your wife does respond positively which can include saying no thanks absent any disdain and shaming, or no thanks how about I try this part but not that bit, you will find yourself in a better place than you are now.

If it's important to you, speak up! If it isn't, let it go! Whatever you do both choices are about change.

If you feel you can't talk about the sex you have and want with your sexual partner what do you have?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

How about a fantasy that you would never even consider irl?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think there is a split between people who view fantasies as harmless, and those who maybe disturbed by them.

I'm in the former category. I really can't imagine any fantasy my wife might tell me that would seriously offend / disturb me. There are a lot of things I would decline to do, but really can't think of any that would cause me to think she was perverted. The only exception would be a real, as opposed to fantasy desire to do someone real harm.

For some people though, a fantasy is not really separate from reality. A fantasy about doing something bad or disgusting, is viewed as a real desire to do that. 

When people with these different outlooks discuss fantasies with each other, there can be real problems.


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I think there is a split between people who view fantasies as harmless, and those who maybe disturbed by them.
> 
> I'm in the former category. I really can't imagine any fantasy my wife might tell me that would seriously offend / disturb me. There are a lot of things I would decline to do, but really can't think of any that would cause me to think she was perverted. The only exception would be a real, as opposed to fantasy desire to do someone real harm.
> ...


Well said!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I think there is a split between people who view fantasies as harmless, and those who maybe disturbed by them.
> 
> I'm in the former category. I really can't imagine any fantasy my wife might tell me that would seriously offend / disturb me. There are a lot of things I would decline to do, but really can't think of any that would cause me to think she was perverted. The only exception would be a real, as opposed to fantasy desire to do someone real harm.
> ...


Everyone has their own boundaries, which is fine. 

My perspective is that if my wife had any fantasies that she would share with me, I would be thrilled and respectfully listen to them and see if I could figure out some way to fulfill them or at least fulfill part of them within the limits of my boundaries.

I think that having a spouse open up to share their inner most sexual secrets is an extreme act of trust and love. It is a powerful moment where the recipient can either crush the heart of the person opening up or can respectfully listen and make the person sharing feel respected and loved. This is the ultimate sharing of secrets, trust, and bonding.

It amazes me that in the literature, so many men will go to a complete strangers (escort, pro-dom, etc.) to share their fantasy with as opposed to someone they love. The fear of rejection or humiliation is amazing.


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## TheMoon (Feb 3, 2016)

The fear of rejection or humiliation is very real. 
The context and history of your relationship is a huge component. As an example, if you have ever even hinted in the past that your spouse is not very desirable, then try to relay a fantasy that might involve other people, even just watching, it could be very hurtful to your partner. They will reject as a self protective measure. 
Not to mention the HD partner is always more at risk revealing their sexuality in any way. If you are rejected daily for just vanilla sex, you're not about to bring up restraints and role play. I'm not saying it is right, just is what it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Personal said:


> Does your wife try to keep things fresh, is she bored and indifferent or is she completely satisfied with all of what you both already do?


Not really. Oral is a mainstay for both of us, which is great, but as far as really kinky, PIV stuff and different positions, "let's do it on the chair" is about as far as it goes. On the top of my wish list is a footjob, which I would die for (if she pedicured her feet), anal, to which she said "that's never happening," and to be dominated by her in bed... and I don't mean S&M or whips and chains, I mean her getting on top, taking control of me and screwing my brains out like it's the last day on Earth. My kink doesn't involve bringing in other people, in case anyone's wondering.

To keep communication somewhat open, I've asked her on occasion, "Is there anything different that you want me to do?" and her response was consistently, "No, everything's perfect." I've snuck in a few things that she enjoys, like a finger in her backside while we "69," and she goes wild for it, even though she won't admit it. Sitting on my face is something else she really enjoys, but won't openly ask for.

I like the idea that someone had regarding bringing suggestions up while she's turned on. That just may work, depending on how raunchy it is.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I wonder how many en who have gone to escorts etc, have had a suggestion badly rejected by their partners. 

By "badly", I don't mean "turned down", but received the "what sort of pervert would want that" reaction.



Young at Heart said:


> ship
> 
> It amazes me that in the literature, so many men will go to a complete strangers (escort, pro-dom, etc.) to share their fantasy with as opposed to someone they love. The fear of rejection or humiliation is amazing.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I wonder how many en who have gone to escorts etc, have had a suggestion badly rejected by their partners.
> 
> By "badly", I don't mean "turned down", but received the "what sort of pervert would want that" reaction.


Don't have any experience there, but actually an interesting question.


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## NorCalMan (Dec 14, 2011)

"Not to mention the HD partner is always more at risk revealing their sexuality in any way. If you are rejected daily for just vanilla sex, you're not about to bring up restraints and role play."

Very well put. If I were to suggest my inner fantasies, I would not want to see the reaction I would receive.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

My EXH would only do two positions due to his body image issues. He would never talk about sex My current BF and I talk about sex all the time and have an understanding of being open to anything that both is willing to try. It is fantastic.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

marduk said:


> Are you trying to fulfill trust issues by having him be tied up?
> 
> And you can't do the opposite because you don't trust him, or don't trust men in general, or the relationship?
> 
> I don't think this may be a Dom/sub deal at all. That's about power and mutual high levels of trust in my experience. Not about a trust imbalance.


I only did it once. He let me do it after I asked because he heard all about 50 shades. 

I have trust issues stemming from childhood abuse. I will never be in a 
Dom/sub relationship because it is not what I want. It's just a fantasy mostly I like the clothes and shoes. And I love my H's behind.

I do like to take control once in a while, because I enjoy it. It's nice to have control every now and then. I would not want to be anyone's Dom because it seems like it a lot of work.

My trust issues, I work around. Some things I just cant do. He is aware of them and we find our way. I am a work in progress.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

brooklynAnn said:


> I only did it once. He let me do it after I asked because he heard all about 50 shades.
> 
> I have trust issues stemming from childhood abuse. I will never be in a
> Dom/sub relationship because it is not what I want. It's just a fantasy mostly I like the clothes and shoes. And I love my H's behind.
> ...


I was asking why you like to Dom. 

If it's for feeling safe, you might run aground with D/S. Because being a Dom is actually far from safe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think it depends on how hard you play. Very light D/S stuff can be done with no stress for anyone. 




marduk said:


> I was asking why you like to Dom.
> 
> If it's for feeling safe, you might run aground with D/S. Because being a Dom is actually far from safe.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

marduk said:


> I was asking why you like to Dom.
> 
> If it's for feeling safe, you might run aground with D/S. Because being a Dom is actually far from safe.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know. I guess I fantasize about it because of the perceived feelings of power and control. What I lacked as a child. Don't try to analyze me. It was supposed to have been a fun post. I am good. Not trying to be anyone's Dom.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

What a fascinating topic that is being discussed here. My wife and I have been together for almost 23 years and we have an extremely strong marriage. Ironically, we did not... or rather, would not discuss our fetishes/fantasies for the first decade of our relationship. Mine's pretty tame: My thing is her feet, especially in nylons. Her toes are to simply die for. I would secretly photograph them or make excuses to touch them. I would have done anything to have her rub them all over me, including my face, but I was waaaayyy too ashamed to say anything. Interestingly, I had never been into feet before her. And after all of those years, she never caught on. After 10 years, I finally came clean and confessed my fetish. Amazingly, she was eager to exploit it! How incredible it was to have my secret desire come true! And then...... she confessed to me, her fetish.... and it is a bizarre one, albeit a relatively benign one.. So bizarre, that I will not and cannot mention it here (and no poo, pee or diapers involved, thank God in Heaven). Suffice to say, she was a hell of a lot more embarrassed of hers than I was of mine. But, I was eager to fulfill her desires. I'm willing to bet that the vast majority of marriages have partners who are too scared to admit their true desires for fear of embarrassing themselves. 

Once we both confessed our true desires, we both felt much more bonded than before. I will say, however, IF my wife desired a third party and asked me to participate, be it male or female, that WOULD be a deal breaker for me. Call me selfish, but my marriage is for only two participants.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

brooklynAnn said:


> I know. I guess I fantasize about it because of the perceived feelings of power and control. What I lacked as a child. Don't try to analyze me. It was supposed to have been a fun post. I am good. Not trying to be anyone's Dom.


Wasn't trying to analyze you -- just want you to have a good time.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

coupdegrace said:


> Do any of you have any sexual fantasies that you would like to try with your S/O, but are afraid to bring up because of how it will make you appear or how your S/O will receive it?


All the time.
Like you my wife is disgusted by even vanilla stuff. I would love to have the kind of relationship where we could share anything with each other. I might have a fantasy that I would never want to act out in real life but it would be fun to tell her or maybe write a story with her and share.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

badsanta said:


> How does the saying go... do what you want and ask permission later... something like that!
> 
> >
> 
> ...


My first inclination is that is a VERY BAD idea. If my H decided to try anal with me before asking then yes he would never EVER EVERRRRR be allowed to have sex with me again. 

But I must say much to my contradictory self that part of that may be a good idea. (just not the anal part) There are things that my H has tried, that I actually liked, and had he suggested those things I would have shut him down immediately and say NOPE, Not gonna try that on ME. 

So I don't know the answer. Know her boundaries I suppose, know what she totally will not tolerate, and tread lightly, take baby steps, and proceed with "surprises". Gentle ones.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

coupdegrace said:


> Do any of you have any sexual fantasies that you would like to try with your S/O, but are afraid to bring up because of how it will make you appear or how your S/O will receive it?
> 
> Without being descriptive, there are a great deal of "outside the box" things I'd like to try with my wife in the bedroom, but even when I hint at trying something different, I get the "side-eye" look. She's even called me a pervert on occasion for wanting to try something new. I'm trying to break down this barrier to keep our sex life fresh, fun and invigorating, but she seems to be content with doing the same ol' thing. When I suggest, "Let's do this..." she'll respond with a loud, "What?!?" so I drop it. Wash, rinse, repeat.


I have many fantasies/kinks.
My wife has called me a "pervert" on more than one occasion.
If I had to pick one thing to do while having sex, I would say take your time.
You can turn vanilla into rockyroad if you just take your time. Go slow and go deep. Connect with her on an emotional level during sex. Look into her eyes. Become the vanilla master FIRST. The rest will come in time.


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## Don-Juan (Sep 1, 2013)

coupdegrace said:


> Do any of you have any sexual fantasies that you would like to try with your S/O, but are afraid to bring up because of how it will make you appear or how your S/O will receive it?
> 
> Without being descriptive, there are a great deal of "outside the box" things I'd like to try with my wife in the bedroom, but even when I hint at trying something different, I get the "side-eye" look. She's even called me a pervert on occasion for wanting to try something new. I'm trying to break down this barrier to keep our sex life fresh, fun and invigorating, but she seems to be content with doing the same ol' thing. When I suggest, "Let's do this..." she'll respond with a loud, "What?!?" so I drop it. Wash, rinse, repeat.


So, she doesn't actually say "no",....... dude what are you waiting for? GO FOR IT! Slow but sure, not everything at once, slow and steady, little bits at a time!!!!! It works, really! Good girls want to be bad, they just don't want to admit it...... jmho


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

My XH would have been turned off totally if I had shared any of my fantasies. My current BF and I talk about everything. Nothing phases him and he is up for anything (no pun intended). Its so fun being with someone so free. My X was a wet blanket. We have a philosophy that will we try almost anything once. After that, we discuss whether or not to keep it in the toolbox.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

She gets lost in the woods and a bear eats her. Or makes her their God. Either one.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

My W prefers to read kink but never to imitate any of it. "I am not really interested in any of that stuff" she says. Can't put those books down though.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

RClawson said:


> My W prefers to read kink but never to imitate any of it. "I am not really interested in any of that stuff" she says. Can't put those books down though.


When I was younger I did two infantry tours in Northern Ireland, including living in ditches, getting shot at and coming within about half a nanosecond of shooting an unarmed man at point-blank range.

I've found a lot of people prefer reading Tom Clancy/Andy McNab to doing it for real...


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