# Are "flashbacks" to be expected?



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Hey there, everyone. I've been lurking around here for a month or so, and have finally de-lurked.

I'll try to keep my wall o' text as brief as possible. But I have a feeling it's gonna be long.

Wife & I met at work, and began seeing one another as she was coming out of a 10 year relationship with a high school boyfriend. Initially supposed to be casual for both of us, we fell for one another. At the same time we began seeing one another, she had a slight interest in another co-worker, who was also interested in her. Once we got engaged, he would post on his blog about the "woman he had feelings for" and the "mistake she was making" in getting married, etc. It was the subject of our first real fight. I began referring to him as He Who Shall Not Be Named (or HWSNBN for short). Over the years, they continued to keep occasional communication.

Shortly after our marriage and the birth of our child, she lost her job, and - when all was said and done - was out of work for the better part of 4 years. She is bi-polar, and that long stretch of unemployment certainly did not help the depression side of that equation. Our sex life suffered, and as she withdrew from me, I unintentionally found myself withdrawing from her. Our sex life dwindled to practical non-existence.

In the past few years, things have improved a bit, but we've also had setbacks. I'll renew my focus on her, realizing I'm somewhat withdrawn, but, being a creature of habit, will fall back into those habits when things seem to smooth over...spending time playing computer games, reading, etc.

She became good friends with a woman I worked with, an open lesbian. I know for a fact that my wife developed a crush on this friend. They would text constantly, which became a bone of contention between us, as I felt that she would much rather have conversations with this friend than with me. I grew to hate the sound of her text alert. I would tell her how I felt about it, but ultimately, it didn't change.

Almost two and a half years ago, after nearly 7 years of marriage, we came home from a birthday movie for me to a message on our answering machine. It was to me, saying, "This is for [W]'s husband. This is [HWSNBN]'s soon-to-be ex wife. I just thought you'd like to know that they've been meeting and screwing around behind your back since before the two of you got married. He has a habit of sleeping with other people's wives." Wife said that it wasn't true, that she hadn't even talked to him in years, and his wife must have found her number in his phone or something, and concluded he was sleeping with her, too, given their history. She lay down to take a nap, but my mind couldn't stop churning. Firstly, the phone number that she'd called was unlisted, and we'd only had it for about 4 months. Something just wasn't adding up. While she napped, I checked our cell phone bill, and there were numerous text exchanges with one particular number, and many 30+ minute phone calls during the time she'd be driving home from work. I called the number, and just got the default, automatic voicemail message. My phone rang, and - stupid me - I let it go to voicemail, where my outgoing message is personalized. While we were talking about it later, and she was claiming not to remember who the number was for, she got a text from that number that said, "He called today."

I did some more digging over the next day or two, including checking her email accounts, and discovered that the number belonged to HWSNBN. I confronted her about it, told her that I knew the number belonged to him. She said that she didn't tell me she was speaking to him again because she knew how much I disliked him; that he offered a male perspective on what was going on between us. With me there, she called his number, got his voicemail and left a message that continuing to talk with him was not worth the drama that went with it, and that she was cutting all ties. She then deleted his contact info. I continued to watch our cell phone account, and saw that, indeed, there were no more calls or texts to or from his number. After a few months, I stopped checking.

Things were a bit better between us, but not back to 100%. A little over a year later (just over a year ago), we got new phones, and in syncing them with the computer, I inadvertently ended up with both her contact list and mine in my phone. As I went through deleting contacts that I had no use for, I found one marked with just an initial (HWSNBN's first initial). Checking the number, I saw that it was his. She again feigned ignorance. I later checked the cell records and saw that the calls and texts had resumed a month or two earlier. I again confronted her about it, and she said that he'd contacted her, asked if it was ok to add her as a friend on Facebook, and they began talking again. Again...sounding board, male perspective, blah blah blah. This time, refused to break contact with him. So, I stepped up my keeping an eye on the cell records, did my best to account for any odd time she might be keeping, and occasionally checked her texts.

From reading occasional texts to her other sounding board, our lesbian friend, she was feeling bored...tied down...not sure if she was married for the right reasons. But, nothing to indicate that the situation with HWSNBN had gone beyond what I now know to be an EA. (For that matter, I also consider her relationship with the lesbian friend to be an EA, and her partner agrees with me.) However, in looking back with 20/20 hindsight, damage was done. Around that time, I began to notice that I'd developed some ED. I've since been diagnosed with Type II Diabetes, which can certainly affect that, and the doctor has also determined a biological cause. But given the timing, I'm sure that my feelings of our relationship not being as important as hers with HWSNBN are/were a factor.

This past summer, she got a job where I work. During her first week of training, I got the same sort of vibe from one of her fellow new hires (aka "The Idiot") that I always got from HWSNBN. He had no vehicle, so she began giving him rides home from work. At home, she'd talk about how, on the rides to his house, he would tell her about his rocky marriage, his "crazy" wife, etc. Around that same time, a couple that we're very close to began to experience problems that were similar to our own. I panicked a bit one night, and while she was asleep, checked her texts. There was a thread between her and The Idiot discussing the ways they like to have sex, whether or not he should wear a condom, how long he can last, etc. It made me mad, but at the same time, she's always enjoyed trying to one-up people with "shock talk." So, I simply decided to keep an eye on messages...see if things started to reach the danger zone.

In the meantime, even in the weeks before starting the new job and meeting him, our relationship began to improve. Having left her previous job that she hated seemed to have lifted a burden from her shoulders, and she seemed much more content. Our sex life began to improve. Reading the texts between her and our lesbian friend, I learned that she still has a crush on her, and that she was also attracted to The Idiot. She did, however, say in so many words that she did not plan for anything to happen between them, because she didn't want to cheat on me. I took that as a good sign. Until....

One Friday morning, ironically after we'd talked about how I disliked HWSNBN and The Idiot for the same reasons...that they both wanted in my wife's pants, she was in the shower, and I was checking her messages. She told our friend that she'd done something stupid...The Idiot. He has a side business as a photographer, and on their way home a week earlier, he had her take him to a park so he could "show her where he takes some of his pictures." (Why didn't he just use the old cliche about showing her some of his etchings?) She continued to provide some details. When she came out of the shower, she could tell something was wrong and asked what it was. I told her that I did something I wasn't proud of, and was pissed off as a result: I'd checked her messages. She knew then exactly what had pissed me off. We went to work, and needless to say, the day was strained. I'd told her that I might find someplace else to stay that night. I did end up going home, and we talked late into the night, agreeing to work on our marriage. She told The Idiot at work that day that they had nothing to say to one another that was not work-related. His only concern was that I would be mad enough to tell his wife. From taking him home, my wife knew her name and where they lived. We sent her a message through Facebook telling her everything. Surprisingly, she took it very well and let us know it wasn't the first time he'd cheated on her...but it would be the last...she was divorcing him. Clearly, she wasn't crazy...he just used that as part of his pick-up routine.

We very quickly made tremendous progress, although we weren't quite ready to be physically intimate just yet. Two weeks later, I had to leave town for business. One night I was gone, she told me she was going out to eat with friends she hadn't seen in a while. Feeling paranoid, I checked our cell records, and saw messages that day from a number I didn't recognize...and from HWSNBN. That night, over the phone, we had a long fight about it, and I reminded her that the wounds were still fresh...it was going to take time for trust to be rebuilt, and that HWSNBN was always going to be a sore spot, at that moment in time in particular, given the circumstances. I was (and still am) convinced that his perspective at the time was, "You finally cheated on him, but it was with some guy you barely knew. I've been patient...it's my turn." She countered that, with our lesbian friend having broken contact with her because she'd cheated on me (and lied to the friend about some of the details, to paint it herself in a slightly better light), she really had no one at all with which to talk about what we were going through. Probably a stupid move on my part, but I told her I wasn't going to be the "villain" and force her to break contact with HWSNBN if that was truly the case...but that once we were on more solid ground again, I most definitely would.

Things have continued to improve between us. We both agree that we're putting more effort into our marriage, and have both agreed to be more forthcoming if something is bothering us...prevent problems and concerns, rather than letting them grow. Communication between her and HWSNBN slowed to a crawl, then seemed to stop until she was home sick one day a few weeks ago, and they had a 72-text conversation. Since then, however, no texts or calls between them.

And, here's where we get to the question of the subject line. ("FINALLY!" I hear you all say.) Although we're in a much better place, I will occasionally get flashes of irrational concern, or of the mental images of her and The Idiot that I formed from the details that I know of their one physical encounter. They seem to be more frequent with another work trip looming next week. Are "flashbacks" like this to be expected? If so, I know it's somewhat pointless to ask how long they tend to last, as everyone is different.

I'm glad we've been able to continue working through this, and have no doubt that our marriage is going to endure. But I sometimes just can't shake these nagging feelings of concern and paranoia.

Yeah...definitely longer than I intended. Thanks for bearing with me.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your wife cheats with multiple people and you're in this snooping hell and your question is about flashbacks of worry?

Dude, your wife is a serial cheater who has not changed.

I'm sorry.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

"Fool me once..."
I'm sure you know the rest.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I have to agree that your wife is a serial cheater. and you my friend are a cuckold. You don't want to be the villain so you let her continue talking to her old boyfriend? Why don't you just drop her off at his house and wait outside. I am sure she would greatly appreciate your thoughtfulness. If sounds like you have about as much respect for yourself as your wife does. You both need some serious counseling.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, do the two of you have children?
I have to agree, your wife continues to disrespect you by having relationships with other men in her life that are coming between the two of you, this is not acceptable, I really don't think she knows how to be married and have boundries within that marriage........
Why does she continue you to do this, I would stop it now and tell her you have had enough........make her decide this life or you and then make sure she knows you are serious.......
If you don't make her decide she will never quit........if she continues move on and find someone else that doesn't want other men in her life while she is with you.........
I don't think this woman deserves you.........


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