# Job Opportunity



## TXanimal (Jul 28, 2015)

My wife and I have been married 5 years. We live in a smaller city in the middle of nowhere, but this is where most of my wife's family lives. I was recently presented with a job opportunity in a large city, 3 hours from our current location. It's a 20% pay raise (first year, with a guaranteed raise every year thereafter), it's got an excellent retirement plan, better benefits, more time off, more flexibility, and it's a supervisory position. 

My wife says she wants to stay here for "one more year". She watches one of our 3 grandkids during the day (she works from home), and feels guilty about leaving. I understand that she wants to stay near family. The problem is, she's been saying "one more year" for 4 years. I got another great job offer in another state 3 years ago, she was on board until the last second...my youngest stepson (they're all grown and out of the house) got extremely upset we were leaving, and my wife talked me into staying. The other problem is, the job I'm currently in will probably not exist for "one more year" (gov't contactor). I've already taken 2 pay cuts and a demotion just to stay here, jumping from job to job as contracts end. Eventually, I will run out of pay cuts and demotions. The new job would offer much more security. My wife's company has offices in the new city, so she could transfer. Alternatively, she wants to start her own business, and the move would facilitate that. In all honesty, the jump in pay and lower cost of living means she wouldn't have to work at all if she didn't want to. Did I mention it's only 3 hours away?

I've discussed it at length with her, and she says she sincerely wants me to take the job...but says she will divorce me if I go. We've been on a downhill slide over the last year for related and unrelated reasons. I've known my time in this town was limited by my job situation for years, and she can't understand why I can't just take a 60% pay cut to take a "normal" job and still maintain our current lifestyle so we can stay here. It's getting ugly.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

TXanimal said:


> My wife and I have been married 5 years. We live in a smaller city in the middle of nowhere, but this is where most of my wife's family lives. I was recently presented with a job opportunity in a large city, 3 hours from our current location. It's a 20% pay raise (first year, with a guaranteed raise every year thereafter), it's got an excellent retirement plan, better benefits, more time off, more flexibility, and it's a supervisory position.
> 
> My wife says she wants to stay here for "one more year". She watches one of our 3 grandkids during the day (she works from home), and feels guilty about leaving. I understand that she wants to stay near family. The problem is, she's been saying "one more year" for 4 years. I got another great job offer in another state 3 years ago, she was on board until the last second...my youngest stepson (they're all grown and out of the house) got extremely upset we were leaving, and my wife talked me into staying. The other problem is, the job I'm currently in will probably not exist for "one more year" (gov't contactor). I've already taken 2 pay cuts and a demotion just to stay here, jumping from job to job as contracts end. Eventually, I will run out of pay cuts and demotions. The new job would offer much more security. My wife's company has offices in the new city, so she could transfer. Alternatively, she wants to start her own business, and the move would facilitate that. In all honesty, the jump in pay and lower cost of living means she wouldn't have to work at all if she didn't want to. Did I mention it's only 3 hours away?
> 
> I've discussed it at length with her, and *she says she sincerely wants me to take the job...but says she will divorce me if I go.* We've been on a downhill slide over the last year for related and unrelated reasons. I've known my time in this town was limited by my job situation for years, and she can't understand why I can't just take a 60% pay cut to take a "normal" job and still maintain our current lifestyle so we can stay here. It's getting ugly.


Seems like she's looking for an excuse to divorce you. Three and a half billion women on earth...


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

This says it all:
"she says she sincerely wants me to take the job...but says she will divorce me if I go."

This means she wants to divorce you.

In terms of logic, for any value of x:

"I want you to do x, and if you do x, I will divorce you"

means

"I want to divorce you"

Q. E. D.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Take the job. Find an appt. to live in the new city and let her stay and watch her grandkids. When she wants to visit you she can drive over.

If she wants a divorce, nothing you can do. Unless, she is will to support you when you have no job in the small town. Ask her that.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, how old are you and your wife? You mentioned your children. How old are they?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would take the job too, if she want to divorce you to stay there then by all means give her what she wants. Life is tough good jobs with any type of security is hard yo come by, you need to think about your future.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

You have grandchildren, so I presume you already have an established career.

The married 5 years thing is odd. I assume these are grandkids from a previous marriage.

How financially stable are you if you don't take the job? Is this payraise material to your lifestyle and retirement?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I'm Getting the feeling that she married you to supply her with a lifestyle so she could stay where she is currently. Now that the ship is sailing, she has no use for you. 

Hence the divorce threat


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You've compromised before, she hasn't. The move benefits YOUR immediate family.

If you cave to the divorce threat now, where does it end?

"If you don't buy me another house..."
"If you don't get me a new car..."
"If you don't let me spend all our retirement money on my new start-up company..."


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Whatever you do, don't suggest or allow any of this business of her not having to work if you get the job and she moves. That's a prescription for alimony, and it's obvious she already wants to divorce. In every relationship, one person is more into the other than the other is into them. Whoever wants the relationship more has the leverage and wins. The other is left with settling for what's given to them. Right now, you want the marriage more than she does, so you're stuck. The trick is to lower your desire to the point that she understands that you're willing to walk.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

What other options have you discussed? She can't realistically expect that job offer to be there a year from now so that compromise is bogus. The grandchild's care shouldn't take a year to arrange, but if it's a genuine concern of hers then offer to let her stay behind to wrap things up & she can join you later. Her telling you to take the job but then warning you she will divorce you if you do is NOT supporting you or is it a compromise. 

Have you made a list of pros/cons for the new job vs the old job? Have her help you make the lists so you can see together the benefits/problems of each job & how they effect you both. This should lead to a better discussion where you both have an opportunity for input & can see it in black/white what is best for your marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you talked to the rest of the family about leaving? About them finding another source of babysitting? What do THEY think?

And what ARE you doing to fix the marriage?

And what's wrong with it, anyway?


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

One other option to consider - since the new job is only 3 hours away what about getting a small apartment there & going home on the weekends? Not ideal, but it's doable & works for a lot of couples.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Wow, thats cold.

I normally might have a different view of things because money and promotions mean less to me than happiness.

but because of her disrespectful comment about divorcing, I'd take the job and leave her lack of commitment to marriage self.

whatever happened to 'wherever you go, I go'?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I was 32 when I was in the same situation....The wife did not threaten to divorce, but did not want to go....I left, and she followed a month later....that was in 1980...Now you couldn't make her leave here....Take the job.....If she is worth keeping, she will move...


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## TXanimal (Jul 28, 2015)

I apologize for the long absence. I have an update.

I ended up not taking the job, but it was for reasons completely unrelated to my situation with my wife. What looked good on paper turned out to be a raw deal once I interviewed and started learning more about the realities of it. And I'm fine with that decision. No regrets.

As far as my marriage goes, I think I already knew what most of you were saying, I just needed someone else to say it. Her behavior has not improved. Everything I do is wrong. Every small thing results in her saying "I'm done". She has become verbally and emotionally abusive. As an example, I am out of town on business this week. Things have gotten so out of hand that I can't even grab a bite for lunch with my co-workers without her threatening to either divorce me or throw all my belongings into the street (she is insanely jealous). My phone has decided to stop working properly this week (the universe hates me), and does not alert me to incoming texts or calls. So she has already said that she doesn't believe me, that I'm lying, that I really just don't care about talking to her, etc. She's been looking for an excuse to divorce me for over a year now, and she'll take anything she can get now, no matter how irrational.

I'm ready to let go. I love her, but I can't take it anymore. I'm stressed out all the time. I'm exhausted. I'm constantly on eggshells. It's time to be done. 

Thank you all again for your support and advice.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Sorry to hear about the chaos, but in the long run you'll be way better off without her.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

"Wife, clearly you are disappointed in me. What are you needing from me that you're not getting?"

Then close your mouth and open your ears. You might learn something valuable.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

TXanimal said:


> Things have gotten so out of hand that I can't even grab a bite for lunch with my co-workers without her threatening to either divorce me or throw all my belongings into the street (she is insanely jealous).


Co-worker for lunch, eh?
and she is extremely jealous?
male or female co-worker?

Does she have any reason not to trust you?
Is there any history of either of you being betrayed or cheating in this or previous relationships?

You sound like you have made up your mind. Good thing you didn't wind up taking that job and pushing her to relocate away from her loved ones.


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## TXanimal (Jul 28, 2015)

This was with a large group of people. The whole office, in fact. Not like one female co-worker or anything like that. This was the only time I've ever attempted to attend an office function without her, and I will not try again as long as we are still under the same roof. I am known as the anti-social one in my office at home and when I am away on business. I don't go to any social functions precisely because I am afraid of upsetting her.

She distrusts everyone. She has been treated badly in the past. She was cheated on. And I have been sensitive to that and have worked very hard to get her to trust me. I have never cheated or given her any reason NOT to trust me. I have distanced myself from my friends, I severed all ties with exes, I engage in exactly zero social activity without her. I have encouraged her to attend counseling for her trust issues, but she refuses. Regardless, throwing my belongings into the street for for an office lunch seems a bit irrational.


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## TXanimal (Jul 28, 2015)

farside, I've done that more times than I can count. 99% of the time, when I approach her for that input, I am met with a torrent of verbal abuse. When she does sit down and tell me why she's upset or disappointed, I listen (even take notes!) and I indeed try very hard to meet her expectations. The problem is that she is never very clear. I ask for clarification or specific examples of things she would like changed, and the verbal abuse returns. I'm so stupid I can't figure it out, why don't you go call your mommy and ask her, I'm not going to help you, go die in a fire, etc.

When I do just try to figure it out based on her initial vague responses, it's wrong or not good enough, or not what she meant, etc. We have been to counseling, and the counselor warned her about her methods, and her answer was to say the counselor was stupid and she stopped going.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

TXanimal said:


> ...she says she sincerely wants me to take the job...but says she will divorce me if I go.


Well there you go.

ETA: Just read the latest updates. End this already.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

TXanimal said:


> She has been treated badly in the past. She was cheated on.


She could be projecting that experience into this relationship.
Were you truly "single" when she met you or was she an AP?


TXanimal said:


> She has been treated badly in the past. She was cheated on. And I have been sensitive to that and have worked very hard to get her to trust me. I have never cheated or given her any reason NOT to trust me. I have distanced myself from my friends, I severed all ties with exes, I engage in exactly zero social activity without her. I have encouraged her to attend counseling for her trust issues, but she refuses. Regardless, throwing my belongings into the street for for an office lunch seems a bit irrational.


Your actions, walking around on eggshells, sound a bit codependent to me. No social activity without her? Unhealthy.

If you want to try to save it, I suggest Marriage Help Program For Couples
But it's a relatively short relationship for people your age and you both have a track record of serial relationships so I suppose there isn't much to lose moving on.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

This will help with the codependency: No More Mr Nice Guy


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You love your wife. 

And she wants a divorce.

Then as your last act of love toward her, give her what she craves. Give her the divorce that she so badly craves for. 

Of course she might decide that she doesn't want the divorce but then that would be too bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Her insecurities are for her to own. You can't really help her there no matter how much you'd want to. 

If she can't recognize the need to find ways to heal from her jealousy, which is incredibly damaging to your relationship, nothing will change. 

There is also a suspicion of mine that her jealousy is a projection of her own actions. Perhaps the lady doth protest too much, etc.


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## TXanimal (Jul 28, 2015)

Yes, I was very much single when we met. I guess I should mention that I'm only 36. She's about 10 years older. I had been single (totally single...one fling, but that's it) for the better part of 10 years before I met her. And I only had one serious relationship prior to her. I never really dated. I'm pretty naive and introverted, so I think your codependency assessment is spot on. I was always pretty self-reliant and independant before. Now I feel like I can't even pick out a pair of running shoes on my own. Thanks for the resources.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

TXanimal said:


> Yes, I was very much single when we met. I guess I should mention that I'm only 36. She's about 10 years older.


Wow, when talked about her grandchildren I assumed you were my age (my grandchildren are all under 3) but I could quite literally be your mother!

And if I was, I might prefer you working on more grandchildren with someone about 30 (although I like the idea of someone 10 years younger for myself > I feel half my age!)


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Definitely take the job. Opportunities like this don't happen all the time. This is a particularly sore spot for me right now as I have just found out tht I'm in a position where I will not get any promotion opportunities. You can't be expected to keep taking low paying jobs in a small town just to be by her family. If she divorces you, she's making the wrong choice for herself and your children.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

When you get home, file the D paperwork. Don't let her do it. Man up and take control of the situation. Move out of the house. Then start dating right away, find a younger and hotter girl. Life is only going to get better for you! Trust me, I know!


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