# Is my marriage bad?



## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

So, I've been married to my wife for about 8 years now. Mostly I think we have it really good. We share a lot of interests, we have great sex *usually* twice a week sometimes less when things are stressful...I mean there's really nothing to complain about.

Except for the fact I do. I think we have a role reversal on our hands because, I'm always the one that brings up the need to talk about our emotions, she's the calm reticent one who acts like I'm creating problems where there are none. I probably am.

Rewind to when we first met, I remember after kissing her after our second date, once I was alone in the car driving home and yelling to myself about how boring she was. Yet I stayed with her. Then a few months later, I tried to break up with her. She sent me an email saying she wanted to work things out, and I was like oh alright...hahah. And now we've been married 8 years.

But I keep feeling like maybe I'd be happier if I moved on. I'm almost certain I am wrong. Prior to meeting her I had a pattern of harshly judging each and every girl I dated, trying to drag them into liking the same hobbies etc. I even did that to my wife, though it made more sense and was easier because we already shared a lot.

I have a (what I think is) good habit of turning almost everything on myself when I have a negative emotion about my marriage. If I think she's boring, what about how she perceives me? I have very narrow interests and am an extremely nerdy person. If I think she's gaining weight, what about me being completely un toned and flabby? In other words, I'm trying not to fall in a trap of judging her and thinking I deserve better when in all honesty, what we have is great and I probably don't "deserve better."

What often happens I think is she gets stressed either due to hormones or family drama going on and I freak out and overreact and think our marriage is bad as a result.

I forgot to mention she doesn't drive and doesn't have a career AND doesn't wand kids. I have a career and have to do all the driving between us, but I'm agnostic about wanting kids. If she wants them great if not, I'll be fine, I've got really great hobbies.

I can't help but wonder sometimes though if I've made a mistake. Would I be happier with a woman who has a career, who has more ambition, who wants children?

Prior to marrying this woman, I was a very idle and unproductive man. Now I am very productive, enjoy my hobbies and my job.

Something tells me I really need to stop my periodic questioning of what I have and just cherish her. I don't know...

Anyone care to comment with what little background I gave? 

If anything I said seems ridiculous, it probably is, I grew up very sheltered. Extremely sheltered. So much it probably emotionally crippled me. Yet, I'm introspective enough to realize this before I wreck what good things I have.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Ever see a cow standing in a perfectly green pasture, with it's head poked through the fence, munching on weeds?


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

Point taken. I sort of expected feedback like that. Thanks. If anyone else finds my thoughts similarly ridiculous, please feel free to chime in, I probably need to hear it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you have a combination of real issues and you driving yourself crazy over thinking things.

What does your wife do with herself? Have you tried encouraging her to do something like get a job?

What sorts of things do the two of you do together? 

I think that you would benefit from individual counseling so that you can work through all these things going through your head. You probably need some help in determining the source and the solution.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

onceler1 said:


> Something tells me I really need to stop my periodic questioning of what I have and just cherish her.


Bingo. See her for what she is and not what she is not.


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

I have at times tried to encourage her to get a job. She used to have one, when we were first dating. Then once I got my first job out of college in my field she had a job briefly at the company I was at. Then that went under and she got laid off, and hasn't had a job since.

As for what she does with herself, since then she basically does everything I don't do. She does all the laundry, most meals, even balances our checkbook, pays the bills and does our taxes. So I mean she does a LOT for me, while I bring home the bacon. She's also got at least one significant hobby that she likes to do, and even helps me with my own hobby (which I actually pay her to help me with, then we get two hobbies for the price of one, essentially). We like to go on hikes together, and watch tv shows. Sometimes play video games.

Early on I really got on her case about doing EXACTLY what I do as a hobby. It was stupid, and took me a long time to respect her and be happy about whatever she chooses to do with her time.

So I mean, I am fairly certain that the biggest component here is me being one of the most emotionally spoiled people on the planet. I imagine a counselor will just walk me through all the same steps I've gone through in my head. I probably just need to swallow it.

Like I said though, since she doesn't drive sometimes I have to stretch my work day to get other errands done and every so often I'm tempted to think she ought to drive, too. Believe me I've tried to encourage her to do that as well, and she's got some pretty severe emotional baggage about learning to drive. The idea is truly mortifying to her. It became a pretty contentious issue for a while because I thought if we ever had kids some day it could become really really hard if we didn't both drive. And she still says she might learn if it got that hard IF we had kids. But now it's really seeming like she doesn't want kids.

Like I said I'm pretty agnostic about wanting kids, always was. I guess I sometimes am just driven by a fear that as long as she doesn't want a job or kids I might eventually resent it or feel like she's a dead weight or something. But I mean, she DOES do pretty much everything for me besides earn the money to support us, so it's not like she's sitting around doing nothing. I think if you look at it one way we have it really good. Another way, we have a weird lifestyle. We do everything together even shopping. We have no social life, extremely isolated and introverted.

Yeah, maybe individual counseling would be good for me, help sort through this stuff.

I believe in the end though, I just need to be happy with what I've got, because I'm definitely a cow in a green pasture for the most part.

Thanks for the replies.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> Ever see a cow standing in a perfectly green pasture, with it's head poked through the fence, munching on weeds?


That was about the best answer I've seen in a while...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

onceler1 said:


> Point taken. I sort of expected feedback like that. Thanks. If anyone else finds my thoughts similarly ridiculous, please feel free to chime in, I probably need to hear it.


They aren't ridiculous but they are common thoughts...common to every spouse and, apparently, to cows. Thinking them doesn't mean what you have is bad or what you might have will be better.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You've got a woman who takes care of business at home so you can take business at work. She even support you in your hobby. You rely on her and she relies on you. That sounds like something a team does and your's may actually work better than 80% of the relationships out there. Great sex to boot? That aint exactly a stick in the eye.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If it were me, the lack of a job would be a bigger issue, however, you seem to be more annoyed about her not having a driver's license. I'm guessing you don't feel comfortable having her so dependent on you.

With that thought, have you sat down and discussed what your plan would be if you become seriously sick/injured/disabled, or for some reason lost your job?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A good counselor/therapist could would do more that what you suggest. Cognitive behavioral therapy would probably be best. It's form of treatment that focuses on examining the relationships between thoughts, feelings and behaviors. The idea is that changing your behaviors will change your thoughts.

Would you say that your life is boring? Could that really be the problem? You have a good life, have settled into it and now it's just blah. (I'm only guessing here.) Maybe you would benefit from something that gets your adrenaline up.

With your wife, I think it would be a good idea to slowly move her in a direction that gets her more active outside the home.

For example she has issues with learning to drive. What about suggesting that you want her to drive so that in an emergency she knows how to do it. Then take her out on some empty roads and teach her. Slowly move her towards things like neighbor hood roads. Get her to get a license. Just do all this in a very low key way.

You say that she has a hobby. Is it one that she does by herself? Or does she go out to do this with others?

Does she have many friends or family members that she does things with?


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

Believe me, I've tried everything under the sun to encourage her to drive, including even low key suggestions, like once a month drive down to the gas station on the corner where there's no traffic. It's still this huge issue with her. It came to a head several years ago where I tried to force her to drive by refusing to take us where we needed to go (she still had a learner's permit at this time). Honestly I just had to give up, it is just too hard for her. Like she can't face it in any amount whatsoever. Her father actually committed suicide by inhaling fumes from a car in a garage, and when she was very little she was in an accident with her mother and the whole car was on fire. So I can kind of understand she's got a deeply rooted fear of cars. I HAVE suggested therapy for her in this regard but, we haven't bothered yet.

I have talked about the emergency scenario as well, yes, but...not enough of a motivator.

She has few friends, and few family members around. Her mother is still around but she's a huge drag on her emotionally. Her mom calls her frequently and dumps all her own problems on her. And her sister is a nightmare as well, constantly running around and wrecking the stable environment she had started to build for her son. So, my wife's family is a constant source of angst.

*edit* Her hobby is mostly solo, but she has numerous friends on the internet with whom she interacts and shares this hobby. And as mentioned she helps me with my hobby. Early on, I was pushing her pretty hard and sort of unfairly to help me with it, but now she seems to enjoy it and like mentioned I've started paying her, so it's like a mini job where she gets a spending allowance by helping me with my hobby...so its like two hobbies for the price of one...

I have few friends as well--but I DO have a very supportive family. Hugely so in fact. This is probably good to mention here as it'll give more context as to our situation. Due to MY family we're actually far better off than we should be. We have a house, we would not have been able to afford without my family. I have no student loan or car loan. She has one student loan but that's it. I have a good job. And, my family's about to pay off our mortgage. So I mean...I feel like when I add everything up, even though she doesn't drive, we are in a damn good situation.

Doesn't mean of course that I shouldn't explore counseling just to help us sort through some of these things. Maybe start with just myself since I'm always the one that seems upset with the status quo. Funny thing is I rarely turn it into a fight, I usually just talk very diplomatically and sort of sternly. I know it upsets her when I get like that, though. I'm hoping some day to put an end to it (it being my bringing up things that I'm upset about) somehow, I don't want to put her through more emotional strife on top of what she deals with with her family.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds to me like your wife is in many ways the needy one and basically wants someone to take care of her. This is fine if you're on board with that, but if you're not your opinion of her is not going to get better. Especially without kids you're going to start seeing her as lazier and lazier and resent her for it.

This is why it's so important for both spouses to be on board with one of them not working.

If this is how you feel then it will color the way you see her.....you know how when you don't like someone they can't even make toast right? Is it possible that her lack of motivation to do much is coloring your view of her in other ways?


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sounds to me like your wife is in many ways the needy one and basically wants someone to take care of her. This is fine if you're on board with that, but if you're not your opinion of her is not going to get better. Especially without kids you're going to start seeing her as lazier and lazier and resent her for it.
> 
> This is why it's so important for both spouses to be on board with one of them not working.
> 
> If this is how you feel then it will color the way you see her.....you know how when you don't like someone they can't even make toast right? Is it possible that her lack of motivation to do much is coloring your view of her in other ways?


Possible, but like I said above, she does pretty much everything that I don't. All household chores, all bills, taxes. So I mean I can't see her as lazy, really. And like I said she helps me with one of my hobbies, which is very important to me. In fact, that hobby is one of the things that truly sustains me. Without it I feel like I'd be nothing, honestly. I don't like my job, and if I don't end up having kids the hobby is all I have. So I dunno. It's complex like anything is. I'd lose a LOT if I left her and tried again. Would I find another woman who

1) shares tastes in music, movies, tv shows and books
2) likes cats
3) helps me with my hobbies?!?

...I think I can look past her not having a job or wanting kids with all these things. I mean she doesn't ACTIVELY not want them. She talks about maybe adopting some day. I dunno. I've always been pretty agnostic about it. if I had them right now I'd resent the HELL out of them because of the above mentioned hobby.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

onceler1 said:


> Possible, but like I said above, she does pretty much everything that I don't. All household chores, all bills, taxes. So I mean I can't see her as lazy, really. And like I said she helps me with one of my hobbies, which is very important to me. In fact, that hobby is one of the things that truly sustains me. Without it I feel like I'd be nothing, honestly. I don't like my job, and if I don't end up having kids the hobby is all I have. So I dunno. It's complex like anything is. I'd lose a LOT if I left her and tried again. Would I find another woman who
> 
> 1) shares tastes in music, movies, tv shows and books
> 2) likes cats
> ...


I don't think it would be hard to find another woman who did 1, 2, & 3. Sounds pretty basic to me.

But it sounds like the two of you fit together pretty well. While she's dependent, she does pick up the slack as she should. Believe me things could be a lot worse.. cheating, lying blowing money, doing nothing, absolutely nothing.. well except for spending the day playing computer games on the web.

I find it odd that your wife has no problem as a passenger is a car. But she does have a problem driving one. It think that maintaining her status as very dependent is a huge part of her refusal to drive.

My mother did that. She did not learn to drive until my father died when I was 21. Before that he drove her. After his death she learned to drive. She did that for about a year or two. She even bought a car. Then she says something happened in traffic that scared the living daylights out of her. She refused to drive again. I have 7 siblings so we shared the driver duties. I think she just like to have an excuse to have someone with her whenever she went out.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Could you specify exactly what hobbies you have, and what hobby she has? Hobbies sound like they are important to you, which is fine.

Your marriage sounds okay ... by 1950's standards. But women work nowadays, or they are SAHM's. But not being able to drive? Well, maybe she's afraid to drive.

I'm hearing your responses, but there is a bit of vagueness to them. And you knew your wife couldn't drive when you married her. Did she lead you to believe she would get her license?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

onceler1 said:


> I have at times tried to encourage her to get a job. She used to have one, when we were first dating. Then once I got my first job out of college in my field she had a job briefly at the company I was at. Then that went under and she got laid off, and hasn't had a job since.


Well, then, put a stop to it. Stop giving her money. Give her a rechargeable gift card for the grocery store, and tell her if she wants anything else, go get a job for it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Do you love her?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Agnostic? Try apathetic.

Happiness comes from within. You haven't indicated she is doing anything differently than before you married except for not working. If you're ok with that, then look to yourself for your source of discontent.


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> Could you specify exactly what hobbies you have, and what hobby she has? Hobbies sound like they are important to you, which is fine.
> 
> Your marriage sounds okay ... by 1950's standards. But women work nowadays, or they are SAHM's. But not being able to drive? Well, maybe she's afraid to drive.
> 
> I'm hearing your responses, but there is a bit of vagueness to them. And you knew your wife couldn't drive when you married her. Did she lead you to believe she would get her license?


She helps me make video games (she is an artist). Her hobby is ball jointed dolls.

I don't think we talked about driving very seriously early on nor did I try to get her to commit to eventually getting a license. Oddly it was easier to try to get her to practice early on. My approach to getting her to do things has often backfired. I have an unpleasant way of being stern and lectury with her, which has caused some friction in our marriage. I'm aware of this problem and have curtailed this behavior for the most part and I think a lot of things have improved since. But she still won't budge on the driving issue.

As for 1950's standards marriage, it's funny you say that because my parents are from that generation. Well they grew up in that generation anyway, they are almost in their 80's now and I'm only 31. And, having been sheltered by them so much, my world view is very old fashioned compared to most of my peers. So that is probably at the root of why I'm okay with my wife not working.

Like said though I'm for all practical purposes employing her helping me with my hobby.

I forgot to mention we're both intensely jealous people and rarely socialize. Early in our marriage when she became aware I had a couple of female co-workers she would freak out and call even my boss's phone and stuff. I know, I know. It was definitely hard at the time but I was even okay with that. Know why? If the roles were reversed I'd go nuts with jealousy too. So I feel like isolation is the right thing for us. We were both already socially isolated, it isn't like either of us is preventing the other from having some sort of social life that we actually want. We have friends online with our hobbies. When other stressors of life are low, we're very happy. Right now it is a little rough because her mother is having health issues and her sister is wrecking her home life for the umpteenth time, so things are a bit tense at the moment. I'm doing my best to be there for her...not easy though.


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

Holland said:


> Do you love her?


Yes.


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Agnostic? Try apathetic.
> 
> Happiness comes from within. You haven't indicated she is doing anything differently than before you married except for not working. If you're ok with that, then look to yourself for your source of discontent.


I probably am indeed the source of my own discontent. I'm frequently unhappy with my job as well which is actually a very GOOD job. I have it really good. But it's not the utter picture perfect perfection my dad had I guess and I feel like I'll never measure up to him. I think that might be the root of a lot of my problems. My parents were PROFOUNDLY lucky people and none of their kids have QUITE the idyllic level of perfection they did, so it's been hard for some of us. We (me and my sisters) have attempted to FORCE our lives to be as great as our parents, and I guess a lot of us have come close...but not quite. So we get angsty about it I suppose. I'm trying to remain realistic about it however.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

onceler1 said:


> Like said though I'm for all practical purposes employing her helping me with my hobby.


Do you make money from your games?

She could create a business selling dolls on the internet. Have you two thought about that?


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Do you make money from your games?
> 
> She could create a business selling dolls on the internet. Have you two thought about that?


Kind of. It's a very niche market. Each game we make fetches a few thousand dollars, but it's not like the app store or steam or anything where there's much higher potential. To be honest, money's not an issue. The reason this has so much value to me is I love creating them and having them appreciated by this niche market.

As for the second thought, there is a possibility I will be helping her build a website for her design business. That's been in the works for a while but we've been so focused on MY hobby it hasn't happened.

I probably haven't given nearly enough detail for people to get an accurate picture. The honest truth is I've probably been the more selfish one since the beginning of this marriage. Yet I'm aware of it and I think things are improving.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

onceler1 said:


> I probably am indeed the source of my own discontent. I'm frequently unhappy with my job as well which is actually a very GOOD job. I have it really good. But it's not the utter picture perfect perfection my dad had I guess and I feel like I'll never measure up to him. I think that might be the root of a lot of my problems. My parents were PROFOUNDLY lucky people and none of their kids have QUITE the idyllic level of perfection they did, so it's been hard for some of us. We (me and my sisters) have attempted to FORCE our lives to be as great as our parents, and I guess a lot of us have come close...but not quite. So we get angsty about it I suppose. I'm trying to remain realistic about it however.


Time to find a good therapist.

As for your wife, no lecturing. Would YOU like to be lectured to? Tell her your boundaries, explain the consequences you'll enact to protect yourself if your boundary is crossed, and then enact the consequence without emotion, just logic. You need to read the book Boundaries In Marriage.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your parents may have painted a picture-perfect life for the benefit of their children. It is doubtful that they were as profoundly lucky as you like to think or had an idyllic level of perfection to which you aspire.

That generation did not believe in broadcasting any problems. They were very much concerned with what the neighbors would think. Since you are socially isolated and you were sheltered you may not have a good grasp on reality and normality in families.

The isolation in your marriage is not healthy for you or your wife. Expand your horizons.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Have you thought about hiring a driving school to teach her to drive. Sometimes a 3rd party is better at teaching than someone close to the person. This is what we are going to do with my daughter, (almost 20). She has anxiety about driving and doesn't have her license yet. The whole thing just overwhelms her but we are working on it.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

If you found her boring what made marry her? Do you still find her...boring:scratchhead:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Boring is good. Flaming car crashes are exciting. Gunfights are exciting. A heart attack will completely hold your attention.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Boring is good. Flaming car crashes are exciting. Gunfights are exciting. * A heart attack will completely hold your attention.*


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

Kristisha said:


> If you found her boring what made marry her? Do you still find her...boring:scratchhead:


I was hoping somebody would try to make me think about this bit. No, I don't think she's boring at all. She's very talented and intelligent, probably smarter than me in many ways. I think my problem early on was I thought I wanted somebody who would engage in scintillating conversation about philosophy, religion, politics et al all the time. Funny thing is, I've never been very good, myself, about holding such conversations. Over time, she and I have grown together and often have good conversations about things we share. So no, I don't find her boring. We also make each other laugh. I think the honest truth is I had unrealistic expectations early on and I made her feel bad about those expectations. In retrospect, I don't know why she put up with me so long but I'm glad she did. Maybe she saw me as raw material to turn into a better man eventually or something. Which I think has happened in large part.

I should mention one person I dated prior to my wife was an "exciting" person. Perhaps too much. I got rather severe anxiety around her due to how stimulating she was, so much so I actually got severe lower back pain which prevented me from having a sexual relationship with her, which I think turned her off and the relationship eventually ended. So...my wife isn't constantly going on adventures and talking confidently about things she has strong opinions on or anything, but we DO share a lot and laugh a lot, so no..she's not boring. She IS calm though and I think that's really good for me...for the above mentioned reasons...


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Have you ever witnessed your wife having panic attacks?

If so, were they mostly in public settings?


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

I think the only time I've seen her appear to have something akin to a panic attack is when she's been practicing driving a few years ago, prior to when it got nearly impossible to get her to do it. I think it snowballed in her head. I hear the comments earlier about why does she not freak out as a passenger, but...its definitely driving that upsets her. I agree it is odd since both car related events from her early childhood were not about driving but about *something* involving a car. So I don't really understand it. I DO 
know also however that when she was learning to drive as a teenager, both her mother and her sister made her really anxious about it and made her feel bad for making any mistakes, so much so she made MORE mistakes and crashed into a fence or something (at slow speed). So, that could be a source of baggage too. Combine that memory with my tendency to be stern and lectury and I've probably made the problem worse. Suffice it to say, I've curtailed the stern/lectury behavior for the most part and I do not bother her about driving anymore. I occasionally mention it when some situation comes up that could be eased by both of us driving, but she often argues that it isn't really necessary. She may be right.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

A very important detail, do you still find her attractive?


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

Good lord, yes. Very attracted. I believe she feels the same way though after these 8 years it has become a little tougher to ask for sex. But I believe that's due to various stressors in life lately. That's neither here nor there, maybe something for another topic.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You know, women don't like to be ASKED for sex. They want to be seduced. They want the man to be a little (not a lot!) aggressive, sexy, hey honey you sure are sexy, let me pick you up and carry you into the bedroom. No, I know the dishes are dirty, I don't care, I can't take another moment, I gotta have you! (and I'll help with the dishes later)

Make sense?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

onceler1 said:


> I think the only time I've seen her appear to have something akin to a panic attack is when she's been practicing driving a few years ago, prior to when it got nearly impossible to get her to do it. I think it snowballed in her head. I hear the comments earlier about why does she not freak out as a passenger, but...its definitely driving that upsets her. I agree it is odd since both car related events from her early childhood were not about driving but about *something* involving a car. So I don't really understand it. I DO
> know also however that when she was learning to drive as a teenager, both her mother and her sister made her really anxious about it and made her feel bad for making any mistakes, so much so she made MORE mistakes and crashed into a fence or something (at slow speed). So, that could be a source of baggage too. Combine that memory with my tendency to be stern and lectury and I've probably made the problem worse. Suffice it to say, I've curtailed the stern/lectury behavior for the most part and I do not bother her about driving anymore. I occasionally mention it when some situation comes up that could be eased by both of us driving, but she often argues that it isn't really necessary. She may be right.


If she ever decides to learn to drive, get her to take driving classes from a person who is used to teaching people how to drive.

Learning from family can be nerve racking.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> If she ever decides to learn to drive, get her to take driving classes from a person who is used to teaching people how to drive.
> 
> Learning from family can be nerve racking.


Absolutely. I had to take my DD away from her father when he tried to teach her how to drive. It was a disaster, and he had her bawling her eyes out, because of the emotion involved.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

OP, nobody on here can decide for you if you want to be married to your W.

We can maybe help you decide for yourself, and here's my suggestion: you already made your choice when you proposed, so stop second guessing yourself and get on with experiencing your lives as one together, because in your current state of mind you are missing out on too much. If you feel like you lack something its up to you to find out what that is, nobody else.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have a friend who had a dad like yours. NASA engineer, acting like Ozzie and Harriet, father of the year...she idolized him. She still lives in the house he built, never changed a FEATHER in that house because in her mind he could do no wrong, he was perfect, her husband never lived up to her expectations of him. She's housebound, barely leaves the house, can only be what her mom was - a 1950s housewife because in her mind, that's the ONLY good way to be. Forget that fact that he never set up life insurance, he left his wife in tons of debt, and all sorts of other problems. In HER mind, he's her god. And she'll never live up to her god.

IMO, that's you. You have built this up so high in your head about the 'godliness' of your dad and his life that NOTHING will ever be enough for you. You have self esteem issues (past gf, current stuff) that stem from your constant striving to be good enough. You HAD a great, high-level gf and you blew it because you 'knew' you didn't deserve her, so you picked someone who was kinda sorta as good as the first but not as threatening to you.

And now, you're 10 years older, you've started to come into your own, starting to believe in yourself a little, so you're starting to look at yourself as someone who can hold his own apart from his dad...and you look around and wonder why you settled for someone who you previously thought was all you could handle.

Note that I am NOT saying your wife isn't good enough. What I'm describing is all this nonsense floating around in your head. Stuff you need to get your therapist to fix. Your wife is fine, and any issues you have with her are EASY to fix. It's you that needs fixing. Do that, and you two can have a very happy, more fulfilling life together.

btw, you two DO need to get out of your house. Try a new restaurant once a week. Join a hobby together. Go on day trips. Start living your life together, and all this 'is she good enough' will float away.


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## Amorous (May 14, 2015)

I absolutely hate driving, and have in fact very similar personality to your wife, I would be so thrilled to meet someone who gets me like that! Funny note, hubby is a bit like you it seems, so I know you guys are a great match, specially with no plans for children.

Anyways, I agree it's easier to learn how to drive with an experienced teacher who does this for a living, that is mostly how I learned (no scary trauma here though).

I also agree with enjoying the company and my preference to be dependent on someone else to take the wheel, both physically and literally! I like to be taken care of, needless to say I am the nightmare of a hardcore feminist.

Back in the day, I had to drive myself from and to school, I would do it because I had to, wouldn't usually change route or make useless stops, if I needed to go anywhere else I would choose the closest place but would take whichever route I felt more comfortable even if it took me a bit longer to get there, avoiding the stress of driving was my priority, traffic is very stressful to me.

Would she be willing to go somewhere with go karts and use one? It might be less intimidated and it will help her get used to the wheel and use of breaks, etc. Don't expect her to race though


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

Yeah, I really think the driving issue is not going to go anywhere unless she ABSOLUTELY HAS TO. That's just how it's become I think. For better or worse that's how it has to be. Can't explain it, it's just the one thing we'll never really resolve. If that's our biggest problem I expect we're in pretty good shape. I DO wish I could convince her it'd be a good idea to JUST get her license so she'd be able to drive if something happened to me, but that hasn't convinced her. 

My wife also often speaks ill of feminists, I'm guessing for the same reasons you mention. I expect she does like to be taken care of. Well I do, too..I've never been really self sufficient. I had a very close relationship with one of my older sisters, we did everything together when I was a kid. Almost co-dependent. she had a rough time in highschool, and I was what kept her sane (as a little kid). She took me everywhere, to the arcade, to malls, etc. So in a sense she taught me that co-dependence with a female is a good thing, and that's what I have with my wife....hahaha! And it works for us. Despite the obvious insecurities it generates which I've voiced here on this forum.


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## Amorous (May 14, 2015)

It might be just cultural difference, is your wife foreign? I need to watch my mouth sometimes to not offend people with things that are the most normal things in the world for me. Where I am from walking or public transportation or taxis are perfectly acceptable to move around... While in some parts of the U.S. I know it's impossible to go anywhere without one.... So I must admit I have avoided getting my drivers license. That will have to change when I get my dual citizenship as I will need to drive around my child while hubby is at work, dreading it but will get used to it.

Hubby is American and I have seen how sometimes my old fashioned ways are a bit of a guilty pleasure, as he is plenty old fashioned himself but grew up with 4 elder sisters and media bombarding him that a woman should be independant I think you might be experiencing this feelings too.

I know it's not easy and it's a lot of responsibility to be the man in this sort of relationships, but as long as your wife is doing her part there should be balance.


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## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

Nope, she's not foreign. Straight up scotch irish german heritage like me, haha.

But yeah...we definitely feel odd whenever we have to make small talk with people. It's always like: do you have any kids? Nope. What do you do? *wife awkwardly says she does freelance design from home, which is only somewhat true since it isn't really another income* It's probably got a lot to do with why we don't socialize. We just plain don't fit in. We're weird.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife is an old-fashioned girl. No shame and no embarrassment need be attached. She could stand proud and when asked what she does she can say she stays home and plays with dolls. That'll get their attention.

Creating video games in which your wife is involved is no small feat. People would love to hear about the process.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

With the Internet these days, I imagine it would be easy to find other 'weird' people like you that you'd enjoy being around.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Married in my 30s and living in the same town where I spent my 20s, I often ask myself where all these attractive women came from, running outside in skimpy clothing from March to November. The answer is young attractive women have always been here, I just notice them now that they're off limits.

Just because the puppy is cute doesn't mean you have to bring it home with you.


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