# Where to go from here



## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

I am sorry but I am posting on a couple of the forums...I found out a week ago that my wife of 40 years had been having a 7 month affair with a guy at work ..After a week of many ups and downs, from love to hate I need help... The last 7 monthes have been the best of my life with her sexual and otherwise...I dont know if I am crazy for wantingg to make it work after all the hurt...He gave up on it 3 weeks ago but she didnt untill I caught her...Now she wants to work it out ..I have seen an attorney but I am also getting ready to start MC...I believe I could see staying married but I believe her only fear of divorce is her being alone,because our whole family knows..I also dont know if I could ever sleep with her again..My life is in a spin what do I do


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

First of all, don't do anything. You are in the middle of a trauma situation and most good decisions don't come from that point. Start taking care of yourself, make sure you are eating right, sleeping right, etc... and get into counseling. Alone first and then with her. Even if you don't work it out with her, forty years deserves the effort. Take it easy on yourself at this time, things will eventually start to become more clear.


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## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

Heres the problem I have and I will be askingthe counseler this when we see him this week... How can any spouse after 40 years of marriage have a 7 month affair that escalates to doing things only her and I have done for 40 years telling everyone she knows that she loves the other guy ,then an hour after she gets caught tell me she doesnt love him anymore and expect me to ever believe it... The only thing I can say is that she has come clean on everything and went for bloodtest yesterday... After 40 years can anyone really forgive this ..


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Radical honesty and more would definitely be required on her part at this point. For your part, can you honestly say that the 40 years of marriage were fulfilling and you were the best possible husband? What lead to the affair? Do you have ANY part in it? Perhaps taking her for granted, neglecting special needs she may have had? 

Was it ALL her? Was she hormonal/change of life crazy? Obviously she was taking you somewhat for granted, but at what extent, without any fault of your own in the mix? 

I'm not condoning affairs and cheating is cheating. It's horrible and painful and hard to live with whether you stay together or not. But I have seen and worked with many, many couples that have recovered from affairs and are extremely happy with each other today. It wasn't easy for them either, in fact, it's completely devastating and a lot of hard work regardless of what you choose, but I've seen first hand that it is possible and even works to strengthen and deepen bonds that lead to a happier marriage than before the affair(s).

Without knowing all surrounding details, it's really hard to determine on how you can begin to forgive. Forgiveness is a gift you first give to yourself though. 

The bottom line is that it's up to you. You make a choice to forgive and move on, with her in your life, or you make another choice. At this point, when everything is raw and bleeding, I wouldn't make any choices at all other than just getting through the day, perhaps trying to get my questions answered and seeking help with a professional. At some point along the way, the choice that is right for you will happen, don't force it though or you may be the one with the most regrets.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

I know it's tough. After 16 years I found out that my wife had gone through 2 separate long term affairs over the previous 3 years (through work like your wife). I have been able to forgive her and move on and we are healing and doing great actually. Was it easy? Absolutely not. 

Your wife does need to come completely clean, needs complete honesty and transparency. Counselling is recomended (possibly both individual as well as couples). Yes, you woudl be justified to end it, but you do need to know that healing is possible, it can happen. Not all couples do or can survive this, but not all fail either. There are success stories, and if you really still love her, yes there is hope and happiness the other side of hte pain and sorrow.


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## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

We are starting MC soon and will definitly try to work it out ...I believe she has come clean ..I am not a perpect person or husband but if I had benn told there was a issue I would have addressed.. As in most marriages comunication is a problem but you cant fix what you dont know is broke....


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hey there, I totally get what you are saying about trust, I found out after 26 years together my husband had an affair that lasted about 6 months.......OW also works with him....
At first my husband said he had feelings for the OW and I said okay if you aren't happy then go and find happiness for yourself...I told him that I always loved him and always will.....
Hard as that was for me because I seemed to be the only one in love at this point.....I wished him happiness, drew up a separation agreement and went to the bank changed the accounts and all he had to do was move out and get on with his new life.
Well guess what, when he had the freedom to chose the OW he didn't.
I just worked on being the best person I could be and over the span of a few months he totally changed his mind and said he could see what his selfishness had done to me, our boys and that what he felt for the OW was only a fantasy, he didn't really know her and he told me that the whole affair wasn't worth losing me, his kids, his life for ...
He told me he was still in love with me, he wanted to work things out with me and make the marriage better, he saw his faults in the marriage and was trying to change all those love buster attitudes. In the beginning i went through all the emotions you could, crying, mad, hurt, disappointed, my belief system and my whole life had been turned upside down....
I wanted him to leave, I wanted it to end....
He always had an excuse to why he wasn't able to find a place of his own.......over the couple of months we stayed together things changed for both of us, we became friends again, actually listening to one another. We watched tv together, ate together, he fixed everything that needed fixing in the house, he didn't work anymore at night.......things became what we both had been missing in the marriage.
So don't make any decisions yet, my therapist said you aren't in the right place to make any life changing decisions yet, give it time, he told me the long term changes would prove my husband's commitment to me and our marriage......
As far as forgiveness goes, I think I have already that is for me not him, I have accepted my responsibility in the marriage breakdown, but he owns the affair and all the pain that has caused my family........I know he suffers every day when his boys don't respond to him anymore like they used to, you raise them with morals they aren't going to think it's okay......
consequences of his actions and something he will have to live with.....
I will never trust him again, but maybe that is good, he knows it and is being very open and honest about his whereabouts and all his communication, giving me all passwords and letting me check his phone when I want.....
I hoping I can get through this and really have a better marriage, we will work together to do this...
40 years is worth a shot at least..........


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## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

Thanks Jessi I feel for you also.. I guess I didnt think it could ever happen to me...We are still in the same house we are talking more than ever and I have not lost my temper and will not.. Do you believe my wife should continue to work with this man and do you thinks I am wrong in wanting her to go thru a lie detector test... See we did have problems in the first 5 years of marriage that I forgave her for... I just want to be sure that nothing went on the last 30 years that she never got caught at....She seems to want to work it out but I believe that is out of fear of being totally alone ...We have 2 older daughters one who is staying nuetral and the other is angry...I have realized after reading other peoples stories that it is a big problem with this world ,but that doesnt make it easier


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there again, 
I think the hardest part for me was to come to grips with the fact that my husband could even do such a thing, he is a catholic boy and has been apposed to affairs over the years and in his profession he sees the aftermath that they cause a family and a relationship.
It is the only time that he has lost his way and I remember the good man that I have know more than the one during his affair....
They really do lose their marbles during that fantasy time.....
I think if she is truly willing to work on your marriage, she shouldn't object to any request you might want to feel better about your marriage.....
I think it's best if she doesn't work with the OM but if she really commits to your marriage it shouldn't make any difference.
My kids are the same, both hurt by what their father chose to do and they are just avoiding him and that hurts him, but like I said consequences of a selfish act...
You will know long term by her actions if she is being true to her word about committing to your relationship...
If you are like me and still love her but are afraid to put yourself out there again, think of it this way, if you were to separate and start again with someone new there aren't any guarantees. We can't really control anyone else, just ourselves, be the best you you can be, feel good about yourself and she really wants to be part of your life she will be, fix the things that were wrong and be grateful for what you have and could have and just see how it goes. What is the difference, now or a year from now. At least you will know in your heart you gave it your best, that's all you can do.
Right now my husband is being the man I always wanted him to be and that is all one can want......
I didn't make him stay and we still live together but we have the separation agreement still in place as far as the financial goes. This makes me feel secure and not something I am willing to change right now until I'm sure of him and his commitment.
He said what ever it takes for me to stay and work on the marriage......
Cantclarhead, it was only 9 months ago he was ready to leave me for the OW, set her free and see what she choses. 40 years, she doesn't want to end it either I'm sure, she was just missing something and couldn't live with boundries, put those in place and go from there.
good luck and post here for support, lots of us going through this situation I'm sorry to say.......hey by the way I've learned so much about myself during this time, it's been an eye opener and I've learned I can be strong and happy again.......


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, I WOULD ask for the lie detector test. If she's not willing to do it, then you don't have a marriage worth saving.

Second, she doesn't stop 'loving' him overnight, so if she says she did, she's lying to you.

Third, she DID fall in love with him because he met one or more of her top Emotional Needs (go to marriagebuilders.com to read about them) or because you were Love Busting (harming) her in some way so that she no longer loved you like she used to - you can fix this part.

Finally, you will NEVER recover unless one of them quits their job. Every time they even SEE each other, or even hear a coworker use their name, all those emotions will come flooding back, whether she wants it to or not. Your marriage is worth more than a job.


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## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

I have asked for a lie detector test and she has agreed. I asked her to have blood tests which she allready has done..We started with the MC last night at it seemed to go well..MCs always seem to blame something in the marriage for an affair.. My wife has always had low self esteem no matter what anyone says.. I guess my question would be is could it just be that when a marriage is going good one of the people has to try something different... This guy truly gave her nothing no flowers no cards she even payed for the hotel when they went their.. could it be that some people are just so screwed up that the spouse doesnt even come into the equation.. My wife had a terrible childhood and has never been able to really love anyone from her parents to her own kids.. Somy question is why does there have to be a problem with the marriage or something missing in the marriage that causes the problem... That mayme the affair would happen no matter how good the marriage is.....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds good!

cant, you have NO idea how much her childhood has affected her. But there are things you can do about that. First, she needs to be in personal therapy more so than marriage therapy. But still go together, so you can learn to talk safely to each other. Communication is the #1 key to a good marriage - being able to tell each other anything.

Honestly, unless she was sexually abused, the affair most likely would not have happened in a perfect marriage. Sexual abuse victims WILL often act out in self-destructive ways - that require special therapy. But people in just dysfunctional families can get past it, if they are getting all their needs met by their spouse and their spouse is not Love Busting them (doing things that irritate them).

Two things. Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires and both of you fill them out. You'll want to revisit them every couple years, as things change. Using these to know how to keep your spouse happy (both of you) will ensure a pretty good marriage.

Also, get her this book; you should read it, too, it's very enlightening: Healing The Shame That Binds You, by Bancroft. It talks about how our childhood can wreak havoc on our lives.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i know evryone has different opinions and i respect that, so i ask you all to respect mine.

divorce, i just dont see how anyone gives a cheater any kind of pass.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

It is not so much giving a cheater a pass, but forgiveness, if they are willing to accept responsibility for their actions and work to heal the wounds caused.

I guess if you understand how most affairs happen, and each person takes responsibility, it's not that hard to understand.


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## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

okiedokie would you really walk away from a 40 year marriage without trying..maybe she didnt care about it for a time but i do..it may not work but like they say you have to think are you better with the person or better without....then go from there...


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
Hope you feel better today. 
I'm glad you have decided to give it a second chance and I'm glad she is willing as well. 
I think perhaps for some people an affair can happen even in a good marriage...I think that she was getting something from him that maybe was easier to get from him then to do the work it takes with you.....
Something kept her there, but just be the best you can be and she will be grateful for her blessings when she takes the time to really look at you again....
40 years is a long time to go through life without some kind of bump in the road, don't be afraid to ask for help and don't be afraid to really say what you want and make it clear how you feel, at this point what have you got to lose, make it great now.....she will notice and she will better herself in return and you will benefit from that ........
good luck


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> okiedokie would you really walk away from a 40 year marriage without trying..maybe she didnt care about it for a time but i do..it may not work but like they say you have to think are you better with the person or better without....then go from there...


Or....did I make a commitment (promise) to them 'for better or worse' and - is this part of the worse?


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