# he's close to ideal but im not in love anymore



## Dylan (Jul 1, 2011)

I can't figure out why I'm not happy with my husband.He's funny,sweet,thoughtful,really smart,in shape. 
I love him and I'm attracted to him but I'm not happy with him.To be honest he wears me out.Being around him sometimes takes all my energy.
I feel bad about not being in love with him so I treat him like a king to make up for it.because i do definitely love him i wish it was a passionate love.I used to get excited thinking about him and now when i think about him i get worn out mentally.I ask him if he's happy and he breaks into a big smile and hugs me then tells me he has never been so happy.
He's a busy man so he's not home a whole lot and when he is home he's taking care of what he calls his chores like working out and house maintenance things.I take care of things inside the house and do all the cooking while he does the outdoors work.For the past few years i've been feeling like he squeezes me into his schedule and i'm always available for him.I work my life around him and i get the feeling he plans his life and activities then pushes time with me in wherever he can fit it.
I don't know if this is the reason for my unhappiness.i keep fantasizing about leaving him and being alone.i'm alone a lot anyway but i don't get the freedom of being totally alone.everytime i get absorbed in something he gets a spare minute to spend time with me and i'm expected to drop everything and be grateful he's there.i don't know what's wrong with me.i'm 29 and my mom says i feel unhappy because i'm almost 30.she said women get unhappy with their lives at the end of their 20s.i feel suffocated and lonely at the same time.i don't know how to fix it.how can one person in a marriage be blissfully happy while the other is suffering in silence without a reason why?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He feels good because his needs are being met. Your needs are not being met so it's easy for you to fall out of love with him. You need to feel like you are his number one priority. 

He should be trying to connect with you and he should do nice things for you. He should go out of his way to either call you or text you every day to tell you how much he loves you. he should be telling you he appreciates what you do and that you are beautiful. he should organize for you two to do something nice together every few weeks or buy you a little gift every few weeks. 

To me it's also important that he lets me know I turn him on and that he spends time feeding my desire for him. Does your husband do that?

If most men did these things then women would feel appreciated and like their husbands were thinking of them. It's easy to love a man who is committed to you and makes the time and takes the chance to put himself out a little bit by doing the above ^.


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## Dylan (Jul 1, 2011)

thank you for responding!
this is the part that makes me feel bad.he tells me good things everyday.i can't complain about not feeling appreciated because i don't go a day without an i love you,youre such a great cook,would you like to have wine on the deck tonight,texts telling me he misses me or he is looking forward to seeing me.
these things are why i feel like a bad woman.i feel like im impossible to please but i don't know how to fix it or if im being needlessly hard on myself.
he isn't a gift giver other than special occasions.he will call and ask if there's anything i need from the store and things like that.
feels like there's something wrong with me that i can't be content with him.i feel like an ungrateful jerk.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

This makes total sense to me. I agree with Syrum his needs are totally met and therefore he's just content to "fit you in" when he's not so busy. He's got no motivation to change as you are always available. For starters I suggest you quit waiting for him. Find a hobby, friends, work towards meeting your own needs. A sure fire way to kill love is by making your life revolve around someone else and it is not be reciprocated. Treat him the way he treats you. Get busy too. Change it up. He's complacent but you've allowed it to happen.


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## Dylan (Jul 1, 2011)

i'm afraid to do that.he will come to me when he's available then i won't be available and he'll use that as his excuse to be even less available to me.it won't push him to make a better effort it will be his perfect reason to get more stuff done on his end.then he can blame our lack of quality time on me instead of seeing what he did to cause the problem.he is so content to live parallel lives as long as we kiss/ hug before bed and have a good sex life,maybe spend a few minutes discussing our day together over dinner.he thinks all the good husband things he does like compliments and keeping in touch with me makes us have a perfect marriage.it is the reason i feel bad about not being as happy with him as he seems to be with me.i always seem to want more from him.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

How long have you been married?

Get his attention and tell him what you need. My x wife said she just sucked up everything over the years. Don't do that. Get his attention! If he's like me, he might need a small earthquake to get his attention, but do it!


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## Dylan (Jul 1, 2011)

married for 3 years.i really have tried to tell him what i need but he always has a rebuttal.if i tell him i need real quality time outside of his groping my body for sexual feedback he says we do spend quality time by going for walks with the dog and watching movies we both like together and going out for dinner,sitting outside in the glider chair together,all those things.then i shut up and feel ungrateful.i try to protest and tell him all those things always lead to him grabbing all over me looking for sex.he can never spend time with me without having it turn into something physical.i like sex but i don't like being turned into an object everyday.i don't like being treated like a depository for cum just because i want to spend time with him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dylan said:


> married for 3 years.i really have tried to tell him what i need but he always has a rebuttal.if i tell him i need real quality time outside of his groping my body for sexual feedback he says we do spend quality time by going for walks with the dog and watching movies we both like together and going out for dinner,sitting outside in the glider chair together,all those things.then i shut up and feel ungrateful.i try to protest and tell him all those things always lead to him grabbing all over me looking for sex.he can never spend time with me without having it turn into something physical.i like sex but i don't like being turned into an object everyday.i don't like being treated like a depository for cum just because i want to spend time with him.


I think with this last post, you're finally getting closer to your actual issues...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dylan (Jul 1, 2011)

im seeing that i care about the quality of the time he spends with me and not so much the quantity.i tell him i don't want our quality time to always end up with sexual advances and innuendos to how horny he is but of course he always comes back with how i should enjoy having a husband who worships me and worships my body by wanting it all the time.he says it would be terrible if he wasn't always looking to have intercourse with me.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Dylan said:


> married for 3 years.i really have tried to tell him what i need but he always has a rebuttal.if i tell him i need real quality time outside of his groping my body for sexual feedback he says we do spend quality time by going for walks with the dog and watching movies we both like together and going out for dinner,sitting outside in the glider chair together,all those things.then i shut up and feel ungrateful.i try to protest and tell him all those things always lead to him grabbing all over me looking for sex.he can never spend time with me without having it turn into something physical.i like sex but i don't like being turned into an object everyday.i don't like being treated like a depository for cum just because i want to spend time with him.


Sadly a lot of men think quality time = sex. 

Have you considered counseling? 

If you are not having your needs met then it is normal to not be happy. You have every right to expect your partner to try to give you what you need, just as it appears you have been trying to please him. It is a suppose to be a two way street, so far yours seems pretty one sided. I really think some counseling might help.


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## Dylan (Jul 1, 2011)

we did counseling for a few sessions but as soon as he told the counselor i had issues with self esteeem the counselor seemed to hang all of our problems on my low self esteem.she didn't direct any of the focus on my husband and what my issues were with him.he used that as fuel for his argument that he's doing everything he can and our marriage is fine but i'm the one with the problem.i told him i wanted to try a different counselor but he said our marriage is fine and there is no need to go if i would start accepting i have a husband who loves me and adores me then i could be happy instead of complaining.


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## shaung (Mar 18, 2011)

Have you told your husband what you are telling us? Tell him you are less and less happy with the way things are, and why. He sounds like he wants to make you happy, but you have to tell him what that entails, and why. Be firm and don't budge when HE TELLS YOU how happy you are. Get the point across in no uncertain terms. Men in love can be very reasonable once we snap out of that hormonal fog. 

He sounds a lot like me. I feel my wife up a lot sometimes and basically worship her, and let her know it. She says sometimes she feels like a sperm repository. She needs sex about once per week and I need it about twice a week. It is the difference that causes tension. I have tried to back off lately but hormones seem to have a mind of their own.

Oddly, if I am not grabby at least once a week, she thinks something is wrong and I am losing my attraction to her. I can't win...lol.

We started doing more things together lately. We are now taking sailing lessons together twice a week, stuff like that. She seems happier when I do things outside the home with her.

As far as 'I love you, but not in love with you' excuse is the lamest reason to break apart. In the 26 years that I have been with my wife, I have fallen 'out of love' with her at least five times, but I know that in my heart of hearts that she is the one for me and I will always love her, and that 'in love' feeling always comes back.

Falling back in love all over again feels sooooo good!! 

Hope that helps...


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Dylan said:


> we did counseling for a few sessions but as soon as he told the counselor i had issues with self esteeem the counselor seemed to hang all of our problems on my low self esteem.she didn't direct any of the focus on my husband and what my issues were with him.he used that as fuel for his argument that he's doing everything he can and our marriage is fine but i'm the one with the problem.i told him i wanted to try a different counselor but he said our marriage is fine and there is no need to go if i would start accepting i have a husband who loves me and adores me then i could be happy instead of complaining.


Okay, it really ticks me off that your husband says you marriage is fine and blames the problem on you. Obviously your marriage is not fine. If it were fine you would be happy. But you are not happy so therefore everything is not fine. Your husband is trying to define the way he thinks you should feel, instead of accepting your real feelings. He wants you to be happy so therefore you should be. Some people seem to see their spouse as an extension of themselves and not as a separate person with their own thoughts and opinions. I would bet if a coworker told him that he was not happy with their working relationship he wouldn't respond with "our working relationship is fine, you just need to accept that I am a wonderful person to work with". Chances are that he would try to work out the problem in order to keep his job and peace in the work place. Isn't his wife entitled to the same consideration? he needs to stop trying to define you and allow you to have your feelings and opinions about your marriage.

And he needs to go with you to counseling - with a new counselor. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with the first one. There are good and bad counselors out there and sometimes you have to shop around to find a good one.


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## dubs (Oct 24, 2010)

D, 
I think a lot of individuals have left some really good feedback for you on this page. I like this one in particular below. 
At some point you will have to make a plan along with a positive outcome that you will have to present to your hubby.

Like everyone said, it will be tough but if you want it to work, then you have to work hard along with you hubby - to balance your life out.

Good luck!




shaung said:


> Have you told your husband what you are telling us? Tell him you are less and less happy with the way things are, and why. He sounds like he wants to make you happy, but you have to tell him what that entails, and why. Be firm and don't budge when HE TELLS YOU how happy you are. Get the point across in no uncertain terms. Men in love can be very reasonable once we snap out of that hormonal fog.
> 
> He sounds a lot like me. I feel my wife up a lot sometimes and basically worship her, and let her know it. She says sometimes she feels like a sperm repository. She needs sex about once per week and I need it about twice a week. It is the difference that causes tension. I have tried to back off lately but hormones seem to have a mind of their own.
> 
> ...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are not "in love" with him simply because he is not doing things to make you feel loved by him. He is not meeting your emotional needs. He probably loves you very deeply and thinks he is meeting your needs... But men have a tendency to meet the wrong needs. A classic example is many men think it's enough to provide financial support and that his woman "must" be very appreciative of this. However, most women value the emotional connection over financial security. There are two very good books on the concept of emotional needs: His Needs, Her Needs and The 5 Love Languages. I would recommend reading them.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I would find a therapist JUST FOR YOU. There are many lousy therapists out there, and it can be hard to find a good one. Your best is to find a licensed psychologist because they have more extensive training (more than a MSW or LMFT) and can really get to the heart of what is going on with you.

My guess is that you and your husband both have problems with intimacy/commitment. He keeps you at arms length emotionally because he doesn't know how to be close. And you gravitate to men who can't meet your emotional needs. You need to figure out why and a psychologist will help. When you have been working for a while with your therapist, then he/she can recommend a good marriage counselor for you both.

Divorcing and finding someone new is going to lead you back to the same type of person that your husband is - emotionally distant. People gravitate back to the same emotional types. Fix what is wrong with THIS marriage. It is a problem you both have, not just you and not just him.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Sadly, a lot of women have a warped fantasy fueled view of marriage.

Hmm, he works, comes home and excersises and works around the yard, AND wants sex. Wow, the nerve. 

What did you think you were signing up for? Stop buying into all the divorce fantasy crap. People have lives to live and stimulating your spouse should not need to be a full time job. 

At least you now have a mans perspective.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Dylan said:


> we did counseling for a few sessions but as soon as he told the counselor i had issues with self esteeem the counselor seemed to hang all of our problems on my low self esteem.she didn't direct any of the focus on my husband and what my issues were with him.he used that as fuel for his argument that he's doing everything he can and our marriage is fine but i'm the one with the problem.i told him i wanted to try a different counselor but he said our marriage is fine and there is no need to go if i would start accepting i have a husband who loves me and adores me then i could be happy instead of complaining.


I think you should really see a different counselor. My wife and I have seen a few, and most will simply refuse to buy the self esteem issue as the primary cause, since it is usally a mixture of self esteem AND his misunderstanding of your needs. Even now, my wife will say that the first 18 years of our marriage were perfect from the sense that I pursued quality time with her, and in an attempt to meet her needs, but it was never good enough for her. I received almost nothing but criticism, whic was incredibly hurtful. Even with that, the average counselor treated it like it was an issue where I was completely ignoring her needs until about the fourth of fifth visit. The key is for you to stand up to your husband's account during the first visits, and refuse to let him paint it into a self esteem issue. Sadly, he is selling himself into a divorce if he keeps doing it that way.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Dylan said:


> im seeing that i care about the quality of the time he spends with me and not so much the quantity.i tell him i don't want our quality time to always end up with sexual advances and innuendos to how horny he is but of course he always comes back with how i should enjoy having a husband who worships me and worships my body by wanting it all the time.he says it would be terrible if he wasn't always looking to have intercourse with me.


It is true, it would be very sad if he did not want you sexually, but I can tell you, to have a man who is emotionally present and WANTS to be with you, do things with you, listen to you, not "fit you in" but pretty much makes his schedule around you & his TIME together, is determined to make you feel like #1 - this IS amazing in marraige. 

My husband is not the most exciting man in the world, he is pretty quiet & laid back, he doesnt even work out, but he gives me this every day and I always feel on top of the world. I think these are mosty those Nice Guys types that generally women do not want in their youth, and some no matter how much crap "distant" men gives to them, they loose interest in these nicer men. I will never understand it personally. This is what I marrried , he sucked with women, but here I am , 21 years later, couldn't be happier. 


One thing that baffles me in your post is you sound like you want more alone time, but then got to the heart of the matter, about when he comes near -it is "groping", all about the release. Yeah , he needs to come near wantinginly, holding, touching, carressing, just enjoying your presence & you feeling this. It is almost demeaning to have to ask for these things outside of the bedroom. But true, try to get his attention on JUST how important this really is to you, I mean LET HIM KNOW you are thinking of getting OUT --that's how urgently important. *Dont sugar coat it! * Most NICE women do not make enough fuss about it and their men do not "get it". MAke him understand before your resentment gets to a wall that can not be taken down. I think you are close to being there now, with how you feel in your opening post about him. 

Locard , although what you say is true, the attitude behind your words is very unpleasant. If a woman felt this from her man, it would hurt deeply.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Sometimes the truth hurts. What is unpleasant is investing oneself fully for years in something that is supposed to be forever, but despite doing your best, you get nexted for some unarticuable reason. 

Every relationship goes through the lack of butterflies, she should communicate with her H, but most often, it is her issue not his.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

The other thing that jumped out at me is that you say you don't have any life of your own. You just wait around for him and want to be available when he is. Of course you are miserable this way. You need to get a job, get some girlfriends, hobbies, and outside interests.

I am happily married, but I also work a challenging job, have friends and family I do things with, kids, and activities. I belong to two women's social groups and I love it. I also love spending time with my husband, but he works crazy hours so we aren't with each other 24/7. 

While I don't think you are the sole problem in the marriage, I think you are contributing to your unhappiness because you don't know how to meet some of your own needs and are looking to your husband to fill them all. No one person can fill all of your needs. You have to understand that and accept it. YOU are the primary driver of your happiness. 

And your mother is way off base to say women get bored/unhappy when they hit 30. That is pure crap. Women get happier as they age because they become who they are and care less about what other people think of them. 

A good therapist can really help you with the self-esteem/self-compassion that you need to live a happier life. Don't blame it all on your H because then you will cheat yourself out of learning how to be happy on your steam.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

All good advice.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*The other thing that jumped out at me is that you say you don't have any life of your own. You just wait around for him and want to be available when he is. Of course you are miserable this way. You need to get a job, get some girlfriends, hobbies, and outside interests.
*

This was exactly my thoughts.

You are putting wayyyyyy too much (with the encouragement of other female forum members that men are supposed to be all that) on your husband.

A husband is supposed to be exactly that - a husband.

Somehow the role of husband has morphed over the last 2 generations into being "MY EVERYTHING." My best friend. My provider. My "F' buddy. My lover. My tennis partner.

I'm going to tell you that most men can't live up to that and if you think it's out there online after a divorce, let me remove all fantasies you are harboring.

I didn't see my grandparent's generation being like that. YOu had husbands and wives and they had their guy friends and girlfriends. My grandmother didn't go fishing with my grandfather and he didn't play pinacle with her.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He works long hours to support you. He does home projects so you can have a home you are proud of. He compliments you, goes for walks with you, watches movies with you, etc. You resent him because he finds you sexually attractive. I don't know how any woman could possibly tolerate such ill treatment.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I am trying to bite my tongue as per SimplyA's comment that I don't want to give this person an attitude. . .but I can't help but think of the funny thing another poster wrote:

"You could crap diamonds for a woman and she'd want emeralds or ask why it isn't the right cut."

What I suppose that I find illuminating is the "culture of malcontent" that exists in the feminine creature and I see some other women kind of fuel that with a "You go, girlfriend!" attitude.

It's as if their "unhappiness", their "yearning" gives them some sort of power.

Personally, I think on some level, the original poster is getting *something *out of her existence. What. . .I really don't know. . .I think she has to sit down and figure out what she's getting from her mood of malcontent AND. . .AND if what she is getting is worth the cost it is bringing.

Your husband sounds "happy." YOu don't sound "happy" or in love. 

Unfortunately, your husband's happiness has little to do with your unhappiness. It's not like it's a finite resource and he's "stolen" it from you and taken more than his share.

I don't know why you are unhappy but it has nothing to do with your husband and his treating your body like a cum receptacle (your interpretation).

It has everything to do with you.

I wish you luck on your solo quest for happiness.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I do give kudos to the OP for at least being uprfront and honest, it IS a start.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> While I don't think you are the sole problem in the marriage, I think you are contributing to your unhappiness because you don't know how to meet some of your own needs and are looking to your husband to fill them all. No one person can fill all of your needs. You have to understand that and accept it. YOU are the primary driver of your happiness.
> 
> Don't blame it all on your H because then you will cheat yourself out of learning how to be happy on your steam.


THIS is the best advice I've seen thus far. And precisely what I'm trying to hammer into my own head. I'm in a near identical situation to yourself, so I understand exactly where you're coming from. The advice Laurae and Scannerguard gave you is spot on.

A couple months ago my husband looked at me and said, "I cannot be your everything. I cannot be the only person in your life. I cannot fulfill your every need and I cannot *make* you happy."

Is that what you're expecting from your husband? I didn't even realize that I was doing it until my husband pointed it out to me.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A married man has a sexual need. He brings it home to his wife and that's a bad thing? Would it make life easier on everyone if he turned to his secretary, the neighbor's wife, hookers, little boys, or farm animals? Lots of wives can't even remember the last time their husband looked upon them with desire.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> He works long hours to support you. He does home projects so you can have a home you are proud of. He compliments you, goes for walks with you, watches movies with you, etc. You resent him because he finds you sexually attractive. I don't know how any woman could possibly tolerate such ill treatment.


Apparently, many men have no concept about the negative feelings that groping can cause in their wife.

Dylan, I was in the exact same position that you are in the first few years that I was married (have been married 23 years now so we were able to work through it). My husband was a total groper too and I put up with it, until I just couldn't anymore. To me, groping felt like I was nothing more than a piece of meat to him - like he didn't care about my wants and desires. Groping did not turn me on at all and I always felt disassociated and disenchanted with him, myself, and the relationship.

MEN - take it to heart - if you are a groper and your wife does not like this and lets you know this, please stop. Touch your lady softy and work your way slowly to the salient bits.

Dylan, I had to have one foot out the door before my husband woke up. I am not saying that you should do this, because you have gotten some excellent advice from others about things to do. First -finding something outside of your husband and within yourself that you can enjoy - a hobby, a project, etc. Second, you need to let your husband know that the groping needs to stop and tell him how and where you would like to be touched. Third, find another counselor. I would think that a good counselor would look at the whole of the situation - both of your issues. Lastly, there were some good book recommendations given as well. Read them - if you can get your husband to read them with you (or at least take the 5 Love Languages quiz - it is online and takes only a few minutes) that may help clarify some things.

Tackle this head-on and tackle it right now. Otherwise, the continued resentment you feel will continue to grow and grow, and then in 10 - 15 years your husband will come on to TAM complaining that his wife "loves him but is not in love with him".

Godspeed.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> A married man has a sexual need. He brings it home to his wife and that's a bad thing? Would it make life easier on everyone if he turned to his secretary, the neighbor's wife, hookers, little boys, or farm animals? Lots of wives can't even remember the last time their husband looked upon them with desire.


@ unbelievable ~

I am going to have to get my broom out and swat you with it. 

I am sure there are some women who may like groping (which I define as a man always going immediately for the salient bits of his wife with no 'forewarning' or foreplay involved), but many women do NOT like it. Dylan does not like it. Because of that her husband should respect that. She should let him know how she likes to be touched and he should respect that.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There are a few billion women on earth who would be thrilled to be "groped" by this man. For them, partnering with this man would be akin to winning the lottery. For a substantial percentage of western women, "groping" consists of any maneuver a man uses which indicates he might possibly be interested in sex.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> There are a few billion women on earth who would be thrilled to be "groped" by this man. For them, partnering with this man would be akin to winning the lottery. For a substantial percentage of western women, "groping" consists of any maneuver a man uses which indicates he might possibly be interested in sex.


This is a very poor excuse to justify a man not respecting his wife's wishes.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Respecting her wishes? Between work, commute, and prep, he devotes at least 12 hrs a day, 5 days a week primarily to support her. He works home improvement projects probably another 8 hrs, works out at the gym so she can have a decent looking husband maybe another 4 hrs a week. Walks dogs and watches movies with her, that's probably another 12 hrs a week. That looks like 84 hours a week devoted to respecting her wishes. He probably sleeps at least 50 hrs a week. The majority of his life, therefore, is devoted to the happiness of a woman who admits she doesn't love him anymore.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Respecting her wishes? Between work, commute, and prep, he devotes at least 12 hrs a day, 5 days a week primarily to support her. He works home improvement projects probably another 8 hrs, works out at the gym so she can have a decent looking husband maybe another 4 hrs a week. Walks dogs and watches movies with her, that's probably another 12 hrs a week. That looks like 84 hours a week devoted to respecting her wishes. He probably sleeps at least 50 hrs a week. The majority of his life, therefore, is devoted to the happiness of a woman who admits she doesn't love him anymore.


We can go back and forth on this until we are both blue in the face and the cows come home. 

It won't hurt Dylan's husband to spend a couple of minutes of time out of his busy schedule to listen to his wife's wishes about THIS particular issue. Believe me, his patience and respect toward her in this matter will be rewarded.

unbelievable, if your wife came to you with something that you were doing that she did not like and that was diminishing her respect and attraction to you, would you not care about trying to do what she wished - especially when it is in the line of all reasonableness? Conversely, if your wife did something to you - let's say physically that you hated - that made you feel used and demeaned and disrespected, would you not bring it up to her? :scratchhead:

A marriage involves both parties caring about each other. Part of that caring involves listening to your spouse when they cry out to you. Only a foolish person would not listen.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife does come to me with such matters and she will continue to do so as long as there is breath in my body. I suffer from no illusions that I can ever rise to the level of acceptability for her or for any other American woman. My wife does things I dislike all the time. I have ceased bringing them to her attention because it's an exercise in futility. I don't need or expect perfection. I don't even expect "good". I'd be giddy thrilled with just decent, humane treatment.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> My wife does come to me with such matters and she will continue to do so as long as there is breath in my body. I suffer from no illusions that I can ever rise to the level of acceptability for her or for any other American woman. My wife does things I dislike all the time. I have ceased bringing them to her attention because it's an exercise in futility. I don't need or expect perfection. I don't even expect "good". I'd be giddy thrilled with just decent, humane treatment.


Ai ai ai! I'm sorry you have to live with this. 

But, weren't you going to go down to Costa Rica and get mauled by some giant... er... mosquitoes?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No chemistry is no chemistry. Nothing to do about.


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## Macadamia (Jul 3, 2011)

I know how you feel! His needs are met because he knows the house is clean, dinner is prepared, laundry is folded, sex is available all the time. You might not have time for many hobbies if you are responsible for all of that. Some backyard projects don't count; they are not routine and both people can participate in activities like that. Men need to express their love not in words and sex but help women out with the chores.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"i can't complain about not feeling appreciated because i don't go a day without an i love you,youre such a great cook,would you like to have wine on the deck tonight,texts telling me he misses me or he is looking forward to seeing me.
these things are why i feel like a bad woman.i feel like im impossible to please but i don't know how to fix it or if im being needlessly hard on myself.
he isn't a gift giver other than special occasions.he will call and ask if there's anything i need from the store and things like that."

This just doesn't sound like a selfish jerk to me.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Dylan glad you posted. You are in some doubt that you should be unhappy since there are many things that are good about you relationship. Something is missing in your life and the question is who is responsible for filling in the missing parts. As previous posters have said, you can not depend upon you husband to meet all of your needs. 

Our society leaves us totally unprepared for the realities of marriage in my opinion. Marriage is too important to go into it totally ignorant of what it takes to make it succeed. I needed to learn by reading books, some IC and discussion with people in good marriages. Can I suggest you do the same? 

You have to have your interest and shared interest with your husband. I don't know if you work or have hobbies and friends and family. If not, why? I have learned that you must have a life independent of being a wife and mother that involves things that excite you and gives your life meaning and interest. I work full time but I love to cooking and I have traveled to take courses on different cuisines.I love opera and travel to different opera houses, my goal is to go to every major opera house in the world. I also share interest with my husband.

You life can not center around home and husband, you will lose yourself and your unhappiness will only increase. What I am saying is that there is so much you can do that will increase your happiness that as nothing to do with your husband. It is easy for people to tell you to be happy with what you have but that does not help. You feelings are legitimate and common. If you read to understand the different natures of men and woman, you will understand you husband and yourself better. You husband is showing you love the way a good man does.

It is a women's responsibility to teach men how to show love in the way we need. Groping is a common problem and men don't seem to understand what a turnoff it is to have an erogenous zone grabbed with no build up. Your husband does not understand that and you are responsible to tell him. Men have a tendency not to listen. If they don't see it as a problem they will not attend to it. First you have to learn to see the world though his eyes and then how to tell him what you need without criticism. 

Remember, he is doing everything to make you happy, you may not see that because you may not understand the way men think. Study men and relationships so you are assured that you have a good man who loves you. Then get going on developing interest with and without your husband. Then learn how to talk to him so that he will hear you. I am not putting it all on you but you are the unhappy one so you have to work to improve your situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

That tingle is gone and many will say throw in the towel. Fortunatley there are many here who also know that this is natural, and well worth some work becausere this happens in almost all long term comitments. 

Picture yourself 20 years from now, hanging with your cats after a many failed R's, chasing men who probably aren't near the quality your H is/was and even they don't really want you minus to serve a purpose (not groping either) Meanwhile, your H has moved on to someone better looking and younger than YOU. 

This is reality.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

You don't appreciate the things he does in regard to work and taking care of the home bc you think these are things he would do regardless of your presence. But you need to appreciate the things he does that he wouldn't be doing if you weren't around. You seem to have real issues with physical contact and you're taking them out on your husband and judging him bc he doesn't have your issues w physical intimacy. You need IC. You've got a good man... You could be stuck w a jerk who cheats w his employee. Just sayin
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Marriage isn't about tingles. Anybody can stick with another human being they feel giddy about. Lots of things can give you tingles; electrical outlets, lightning, my taser. Not all tingles are good.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Dylan said:


> For the past few years i've been feeling like he squeezes me into his schedule and i'm always available for him.I work my life around him and i get the feeling he plans his life and activities then pushes time with me in wherever he can fit it.


I still think it is wrong of your husband to not go to counseling with you, and to hang all the problems on your low self esteem. 

But I do agree with some other posters that this statement may be part of the problem.

Perhaps you need some outside interests. And you husband needs to not make you feel like something he just fits into his schedule. You both need to find a balance between other interests and each other.


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## miss smiley (May 3, 2011)

I understand exactly what you're feeling Dylan. I'm in the same boat, and my H thinks exactly like yours does. This is my problem and every woman would be thrilled their H still finds them so desirable. What I'm missing is the emotional connection of out relationship. I have had sex with my H for so long waiting for him to open up emotionally, but it hasn't happened. You can only talk about kids, food and the weather so long. I can do that with complete strangers but don't have to have sex with them afterwards. It is not enough to just take care of the financial side of a marriage and go through the motions of doing what a good H should do. There's a deeper connection needed in order to be happy.


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

Hicks said:


> You are not "in love" with him simply because he is not doing things to make you feel loved by him. He is not meeting your emotional needs. He probably loves you very deeply and thinks he is meeting your needs... But men have a tendency to meet the wrong needs. A classic example is many men think it's enough to provide financial support and that his woman "must" be very appreciative of this. However, most women value the emotional connection over financial security. There are two very good books on the concept of emotional needs: His Needs, Her Needs and The 5 Love Languages. I would recommend reading them.


The 5 Love Languages was an amazing book and would recommend it to all couples!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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