# Normal behavior vs. not normal/should I stay or go



## GJR (Jun 2, 2020)

We are both in our late 40's, married 24 years, 3 kids ages 15- 20 and have had marital problems the past 5 years. We have tried counseling and couples therapy groups but it feels like we are spinning our wheels. We are at the point of both being not happy, we feel more like friends vs a couple and I am personally ashamed at the way I have treated him and the way he has treated me at times. We have reached the point of being 'below the line' for how normal people should treat one another. I do not like who I have become sometimes with him. We are now discussing separation vs. divorce and the differences between the two. It is scary talking about it and I question if we are doing the right thing.....I love him as a person but don't feel attracted to him any more mainly because all the bad feelings that have build up over there years. We have talked through many of these things at counseling and things just aren't changing. We both have faults however in thinking should I try harder to make this work, I also question can I live like this the rest of my life. Examples include: he complains that no one helps him with things that are mechanical and need muscle strength which I don't have. I told him I am there to help him but can't because I am not strong enough, so what does he expect??!! He also says that I should figure out how to do things myself - example, the headlight went out on my car. I knew he knows how to replace it easily. I bought the replacement bulb and asked if he could put it in, he said 'why does he have to do it, and I could You Tube it'. I ended up doing that and fixed it myself. He has brought up that he feels I see my friends too much or I'm choosing them over him and it makes him feel lonely It is maybe 2 - 4 times a month I am seeing my friends either as just the girls or as couples, which includes him....I don't feel like this is excessive. (I'll admit we haven't had a lot of date nights with just ourselves and we have tried but it seems to end up with us fighting.) So my question for this group is, is his behavior in the way he treats me normal or not normal and should I stick it out or go? I do question if I am missing out on someone that will make me more happy but the grass is not always greener.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Him being upset because you don't help him do things that require a lot of strength is just nonsense. Sounds like he just wants to ***** at you.

I would need more info before deciding if him not changing the headlight on your car is an issue. For example, do both of you have jobs outside the home and contribute financially to the household? What percentage of things like housework, cooking, grocery shopping, child care, bill paying, etc. do each of you do? How about yard work if you have a yard?

Him complaining about you going out with your friends 2-4 times a month might be a legitimate complaint on his part. Since it sounds like the two of you spend about zero time together in quality time, he has a valid concern.

There is a way to fix this. The reason your relationship is dying is because the two of you let it die through neglect. It's like a garden. If you stop pulling the weeds and stop watering it the garden goes to weeds and all the good plants die. Start watering it and weeding it, and maybe plant a few new plants and the garden it back.

You said that you discussed all the bad stuff with the counselor. How much did the counselor teach to about how to rekindle your relationship? 

If you mostly focused on going over all be bad in the past with the counselor, then you had a bad counselor. The focus should be on how to restructure your relationship to being back the love and passion.

There are two types of therapy/counselling. 

One is the old Freudian approach where you go to the therapist/counselor and talk about how screwed up you are and how everything and everyone in your life has hurt you and/or caused all your problems. 

The other his behavior modification. In this approach you figure out what you want you life to be like. Then you start doing the things that turn your life around. For example a therapist will help their client come up with a daily schedule and a time-keeping method. Then the procrastinator starts following the steps in the schedule.. every morning make coffee, sit at your desk and write our to-do list for the day and review yesterday's to-do list to see if anything from yesterday did not get done. Now work your list.... etc. etc. At first the procrastinator is "faking it until they make it". Then over time the procrastinator realizes that they now have new habits and no longer procrastinate. 

Freudian type therapy is seldom used anymore. Why? Because it's useless. It keeps the person, or couple, wallowing in the past and often filled with self pity. Nothing is ever accomplished.

Behavior modification therapy lasts about 12 weeks on average with one counseling session a week. When the 12 weeks is over, if the person (or couple) did what they laid out as their goal to improve their life/love/situation... it's worked. Not only has it worked to change them, but they no longer focus on the problems from the past because those problems no longer exist. They are irrelevant.

So... how does this apply to your situation? There is a way to rebuild, restructure your relationship to bring back the love and passion and to have a much better marriage. There are two books that lay out how to do this: 

*Love Busters: Protect Your Marriage by Replacing Love-Busting Patterns with Love-Building Habits* "_According to relationship expert and bestselling author Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., after couples get married, they often develop habits that slowly undermine the love they have for each other. If tolerated, these Love Busters--selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, dishonesty, annoying habits, and independent behavior--will destroy a couple's love for each other. The solution, however, isn't merely to avoid these negative behaviors and attitudes. Rather, it's to cultivate Love Builders--positive habits that will strengthen the relationship."_
*His Needs, Her Needs: Building a Marriage That Lasts *_Time after time, His Needs, Her Needs has topped the charts as the bestselling marriage book available. In this classic book, Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., identifies the 10 most vital needs of men and women and shows husbands and wives how to make their marriage sizzle by satisfying those needs in their spouses. He provides guidance for becoming irresistible to your spouse and for loving more creatively and sensitively, thereby eliminating the problems that often lead to conflict and even extramarital affairs.
Join those who have seen spectacular changes in their marriages by following Dr. Harley's tried and proven counsel. You will discover that an outstanding marriage can be more than a dream--it can be your reality_.

The author of both books is Willard F. Jr. Harley. The books go together. The idea is to first read the "Love Busters" book and do the work that it suggests. Then read the "His Needs, Her Needs" book and do that work. 

{Just so you know, I don't make any money on these books. I suggest them to a lot of couples because they work. I've seen it over and over for years now.}

My suggestion would be to use the books and do the work. Give it 6 months to a year. If your marriage has not been turned around to a good loving and passionate marriage, then you will know that you have done all you can do.


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