# Husband Not Interested in Sex



## anythingbutordinary (Sep 30, 2020)

Hi everyone. I've been lurking on here for quite awhile and am just getting the nerve to finally make a post.. So, my husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6. We met when I was 19 and at the time I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. He was fine with that (wasn't necessarily waiting himself, but was fine with waiting too)..However, once we got married he never really had interest in sex. We do other stuff (usually I do stuff for him more than he does for me..) but sex itself he gets very uncomfortable about. When I bring it up and try to talk to him about it, he just gets mad at me and makes me feel sex obsessed for even addressing it. Which I'm not, but I also feel like this isn't normal. He always says every relationship is different and he brings up random friends of his and says 'I doubt they're having sex all the time' or 'take my parents, you think they're just doin it all the time?' (which his parents are in their 60s and have 3 children..so not really comparable to our situation..lol). He does have an issue with porn as well. Which he also gets mad at me for trying to talk about. We are very different people to begin with, but we get along fine day to day.. However, I find myself feeling like we're more roommates than a married couple. I just don't feel that connection that I believe a married couple should have.. 

We got into a bit of a discussion about physical stuff this past weekend and I brought up that even when I get all dolled up, or times when we had plans and I make a point to dress actually _sexy_ he still showed 0 interest in me.. He laughed and told me I only do that every once in awhile. Which is true, I don't always dress super sexy..but I wear nice clothes and make up..Fix my hair nice, etc. I might not be this super sexy thing 24/7 but I don't look a big mess or anything either..

I just don't know what to do anymore. He thinks things are fine and I drop hints that I'm not happy, and talk about like marriage counseling..or like the 'what if' something happened between us and we weren't together. He basically says that any kind of break up is gonna be my decision, not his. So even as unhappy as I am sometimes, he doesn't seem to see that and also just makes me feel nuts for feeling like there's a problem. Some days I can just say oh well that's how things are.. especially with other stuff going on in my life right now that's keeping me busy - but when I stop and think about it I just feel very alone and don't want to feel this way forever..but also don't know how to fix any of this. I just feel stuck. ☹

If anyone has some advice I'd definitely appreciate it. Thanks..


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

anythingbutordinary said:


> So, my husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6. We met when I was 19 and at the time I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. He was fine with that (wasn't necessarily waiting himself, but was fine with waiting too)..However, once we got married he never really had interest in sex. We do other stuff (usually I do stuff for him more than he does for me..) but sex itself he gets very uncomfortable about.


I'm sorry but there are plenty of men who have subpar sexual desire and capabilities, who use waiting for sex as a way to hide the fact that they will be inadequate sexual partners. That certainly isn't all men, yet it certainly is a thing.



anythingbutordinary said:


> I just don't know what to do anymore.


It's really simple.

Your husband has always been loathe to have sex with you. Your efforts have been and will continue to be a waste of time. The sensible thing is to dump him and seek to replace him with a man and or men, who are sexually capable and desire to have sex with you.

There is no getting around this, deep down you already know this. So it's up to you to bite the bullet and put an end to this farce.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

You’re not nuts.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Are you having sex at all? It isn't apparent from your post.

First, he needs to knock off the porn and get his priorities in order. You need to put your foot down about that, especially if it's deep-sixing your sex life. His attitude seems pretty cavalier when you talk about a potential end to the relationship also. 

If he won't give up the porn, I'd say you're going to have to decide if you can put up with this long-term because there is no indication from your post this is going to change. Sexual abandonment is a big deal and is breaking the marriage contract. You have every right to expect sex from your spouse and every right to have his undivided attention when you bring it up.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

anythingbutordinary said:


> Hi everyone. I've been lurking on here for quite awhile and am just getting the nerve to finally make a post.. So, my husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6. We met when I was 19 and at the time I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. He was fine with that (wasn't necessarily waiting himself, but was fine with waiting too)..However, once we got married he never really had interest in sex. *We do other stuff (usually I do stuff for him more than he does for me..) *Stop that. but sex itself he gets very uncomfortable about. When I bring it up and try to talk to him about it, *he just gets mad at me and makes me feel sex obsessed for even addressing it* Of course he does - it lets him off the hook. Which I'm not, but I also feel like this isn't normal. He always says every relationship is different and *he brings up random friends of his *You're not married to his friends. and says 'I doubt they're having sex all the time' or 'take my parents, you think they're just doin it all the time?' (which his parents are in their 60s and have 3 children..so not really comparable to our situation..lol). *He does have an issue with porn as well. * And, here it is - he prefers solo sex and to hell with you. Which he also gets mad at me for trying to talk about. We are very different people to begin with, but we get along fine day to day.. However, I find myself feeling like we're more roommates than a married couple. *I just don't feel that connection that I believe a married couple should have..* Hello, that's because you're not having sex. You signed up to be a roommate for him and he gets all the benefits of having a wife.
> 
> We got into a bit of a discussion about physical stuff this past weekend and I brought up that even when I get all dolled up, or times when we had plans and I make a point to dress actually _sexy_ he still showed 0 interest in me.. He laughed and told me I only do that every once in awhile. Which is true, I don't always dress super sexy..but I wear nice clothes and make up..Fix my hair nice, etc. I might not be this super sexy thing 24/7 but I don't look a big mess or anything either..
> 
> ...


You're not the problem, so you can't fix anything. But, here is a clue as to how men work - they do not understand 'hintese'. It is not in their vocabulary. Anything short of the subtlety of a ball peen hammer usually goes right past them (apologizing now for the generalizing because I know there are some very sensitive and astute men out there so need to jump my ass about it).  Be direct and firm in your objections and expectations.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

In your shoes I would be so very unhappy. Depending on children I would
1 Discuss it openly with him and determine if he might agree to seek medical help
2 negotiate an end to it all
3Commit a crime and go to jail in frustration
4 Find out if there is any form of chemical castration for women

Sitting tight would not be an option. You cannot sleep with him every day and nothing happens.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

The cat may be stocking another gal's shelves or started playing for an all male team. Your best options are hand him his walking paper or take the path of least resistance and find something on the side. Actual you can do both if youre careful and half way street wise. Ain't no need in doing without someone who appreciates your feminine attributes while you jettison his azz.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Yeah, he broke himself and your sex life with porn. It's unfair and disrespectful of him to put you in that position. Read up.. it will destroy your self-esteem.

My best advice is make him choose, porn or you. Today.


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## anythingbutordinary (Sep 30, 2020)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Are you having sex at all? It isn't apparent from your post.
> 
> First, he needs to knock off the porn and get his priorities in order. You need to put your foot down about that, especially if it's deep-sixing your sex life. His attitude seems pretty cavalier when you talk about a potential end to the relationship also.
> 
> If he won't give up the porn, I'd say you're going to have to decide if you can put up with this long-term because there is no indication from your post this is going to change. Sexual abandonment is a big deal and is breaking the marriage contract. You have every right to expect sex from your spouse and every right to have his undivided attention when you bring it up.


No, we're not. He doesn't seem very interested in me at all, but he still hints at me doing stuff for him..and I usually just do whatever he wants cause I feel like if I stopped then there'd be absolutely nothing.. but maybe that's what needs to happen in order for any kind of change to happen.


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## anythingbutordinary (Sep 30, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> You're not the problem, so you can't fix anything. But, here is a clue as to how men work - they do not understand 'hintese'. It is not in their vocabulary. Anything short of the subtlety of a ball peen hammer usually goes right past them (apologizing now for the generalizing because I know there are some very sensitive and astute men out there so need to jump my ass about it).  Be direct and firm in your objections and expectations.


Thank you. I have tried more to say exactly how I feel. There have been times that I get so frustrated and feel so distant from him that I even cry when I'm trying to tell him how upset I feel about this but he just says I'm making it a bigger deal than it is. I'm starting to feel like unless _he_ feels like there's an issue, nothing is ever going to change.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

anythingbutordinary said:


> No, we're not. He doesn't seem very interested in me at all, but he still hints at me doing stuff for him..and I usually just do whatever he wants cause I feel like if I stopped then there'd be absolutely nothing.. but maybe that's what needs to happen in order for any kind of change to happen.


I’m sorry to hear that. I assume “stuff for him” is sexual (BJs or HJs)? If that’s the case, and there’s no reciprocation, it’s simply mean-spirited and unacceptable. On top of that he is obviously replacing your sex life with porn. Porn cannot be a part of your future together for this to work out. I’m not sure what to say about a husband who treats his wife that way, but he’s no husband. Your sexual needs are as important as his, that’s part of marriage (a big part). It’s probably time for an ultimatum, one that gives him no choice but to address the problem. 

If my needs aren’t met, neither are yours would be my perspective. The last thing you should do is reward this behavior. The question is, is denying “stuff for him” a road you want to go down to see if it can force a change or is that simply not going to happen? You need to decide the limits of what you can tolerate and what is more painful, terminating a relationship or putting up with it long term?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

anythingbutordinary said:


> If anyone has some advice I'd definitely appreciate it. Thanks..


First be aware that most of the advice you will get here comes from those in your same situation. That is people with a higher desire than a spouse that seems to lack interest. So the discussions here tend to be a little bit like the blind leading the blind. 

So when I would try to address this issue with my wife (me being the one with more desire), she too would get very angry and a bit defensive. She would quickly point out all her female friends that have no desire and tell me that my expectations were unrealistic. Years later I would eventually understand that this anger came from a place of her feeling vulnerable and inadequate to ever please me or make me happy.

So stop and put yourself in that frame of mind for a moment. Imagine being in your spouse's shoes and feeling completely helpless and inadequate to make the other person happy. As a result all sexual experiences become a source of anxiety and a self fulfilling prophecy of never being good enough. So you stop trying and start avoiding it as much as possible. 

How does one turn that around? Generally speaking nonsexual intimacy that involves physical acts of helping to sooth and relax one another tends to be a good starting place. An example would be working on a stress free way to reject the idea of sex. That seems awkward, but at the same time it serves to help defuse arguments. An example might be that you want sex, but if he is not in the mood perhaps he could at a minimum give you a back rub and spend some time talking and listening to each other about your days to help reinforce a strong emotional connection. No sex happened but time and energy was used to nurture you connection with one another. As a result there is not the feelings of rejection and frustration from not having sex, as you practiced an exercise in soothing one another. 

Eventually soothing one another grows into pleasuring one another. It is a slow and gradual process that requires that you each work on your self confidence and be willing to embrace small failures and setbacks with respect and constructive criticism for moving forwards. Then as that progresses you work out a schedule for sex and agree to make it happen. Be completely OK if one of you can't get in the mood. This becomes an exercise in creating pleasure for one another without the stress of initiating or rejecting. From this you will gradually learn the tools of what it takes to please one another on command. 

Not sure if that helps, but perhaps it gives you a model of what helped in my situation. Scheduling worked so well for my wife and I that it actually works better than the moments that are spontaneous. Doing so takes away a lot of issues that tend to create stress and distractions. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

anythingbutordinary said:


> I'm starting to feel like unless _he_ feels like there's an issue, nothing is ever going to change.


He should think it's important because it's important to you. He seems beyond selfish. I wouldn't give him any until he starts giving you some. Giving you something. Anything.


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## My Monsters (Mar 13, 2021)

Anythingbutordinary.... Couple of questions... 
1). Does he wake up hard in the morning ever? If no he may have a Testosterone problem. 
2). Does he ever show interest in you physically? If you put on a sexy teddy or just walk past him nude....does he notice or make a comment? Does he look at you when you give him a BJ or HJ? No...then he may be fantasizing about porn or maybe a male. 
3). Does he talk during sex? Any hints about where his mind is during sex?


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## anythingbutordinary (Sep 30, 2020)

My Monsters said:


> Anythingbutordinary.... Couple of questions...
> 1). Does he wake up hard in the morning ever? If no he may have a Testosterone problem.
> 2). Does he ever show interest in you physically? If you put on a sexy teddy or just walk past him nude....does he notice or make a comment? Does he look at you when you give him a BJ or HJ? No...then he may be fantasizing about porn or maybe a male.
> 3). Does he talk during sex? Any hints about where his mind is during sex?


To answer your questions 1.) Yes, he does - but 99% of the time that means he wants something done for him..Very very rarely does that mean anything for me.

2. He doesn't really show much interest in me at all. Sometimes he'll say he likes my shirts cause it's a 'good boob shirt' but the last time I tried getting things going myself and wore lingerie and got all dolled up, he was.. ready, until I came out in that. Then he got soft and just says he gets anxious or has his mind on work. That's always what it is. He just gets anxious and says he doesn't know what he's doing so he loses it...or work is on his mind. He says it's not me but he doesn't have any interest. And he watches porn, so I know he can't be that clueless. 🙄

3. And no, he never says anything during anything we do. 🤷‍♀️


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

some people just aren't good lovers are aren't any good in bed. He is likely one of them. 

This is the risk people take when they wait until the state becomes involved legally in their relationship (ie marriage) before they have sex.


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## Wish80 (Mar 19, 2021)

anythingbutordinary said:


> Hi everyone. I've been lurking on here for quite awhile and am just getting the nerve to finally make a post.. So, my husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6. We met when I was 19 and at the time I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. He was fine with that (wasn't necessarily waiting himself, but was fine with waiting too)..However, once we got married he never really had interest in sex. We do other stuff (usually I do stuff for him more than he does for me..) but sex itself he gets very uncomfortable about. When I bring it up and try to talk to him about it, he just gets mad at me and makes me feel sex obsessed for even addressing it. Which I'm not, but I also feel like this isn't normal. He always says every relationship is different and he brings up random friends of his and says 'I doubt they're having sex all the time' or 'take my parents, you think they're just doin it all the time?' (which his parents are in their 60s and have 3 children..so not really comparable to our situation..lol). He does have an issue with porn as well. Which he also gets mad at me for trying to talk about. We are very different people to begin with, but we get along fine day to day.. However, I find myself feeling like we're more roommates than a married couple. I just don't feel that connection that I believe a married couple should have..
> 
> We got into a bit of a discussion about physical stuff this past weekend and I brought up that even when I get all dolled up, or times when we had plans and I make a point to dress actually _sexy_ he still showed 0 interest in me.. He laughed and told me I only do that every once in awhile. Which is true, I don't always dress super sexy..but I wear nice clothes and make up..Fix my hair nice, etc. I might not be this super sexy thing 24/7 but I don't look a big mess or anything either..
> 
> ...


I totally understand. I've been with this man for two years. In the beginning it was hot. Now it like I'm not here. I'm a highly sexual person. When we do have sex it


anythingbutordinary said:


> Hi everyone. I've been lurking on here for quite awhile and am just getting the nerve to finally make a post.. So, my husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6. We met when I was 19 and at the time I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. He was fine with that (wasn't necessarily waiting himself, but was fine with waiting too)..However, once we got married he never really had interest in sex. We do other stuff (usually I do stuff for him more than he does for me..) but sex itself he gets very uncomfortable about. When I bring it up and try to talk to him about it, he just gets mad at me and makes me feel sex obsessed for even addressing it. Which I'm not, but I also feel like this isn't normal. He always says every relationship is different and he brings up random friends of his and says 'I doubt they're having sex all the time' or 'take my parents, you think they're just doin it all the time?' (which his parents are in their 60s and have 3 children..so not really comparable to our situation..lol). He does have an issue with porn as well. Which he also gets mad at me for trying to talk about. We are very different people to begin with, but we get along fine day to day.. However, I find myself feeling like we're more roommates than a married couple. I just don't feel that connection that I believe a married couple should have..
> 
> We got into a bit of a discussion about physical stuff this past weekend and I brought up that even when I get all dolled up, or times when we had plans and I make a point to dress actually _sexy_ he still showed 0 interest in me.. He laughed and told me I only do that every once in awhile. Which is true, I don't always dress super sexy..but I wear nice clothes and make up..Fix my hair nice, etc. I might not be this super sexy thing 24/7 but I don't look a big mess or anything either..
> 
> ...


I totally understand it's like I'm not even here we spend Saturdays in the house by ourselves and you want to look twice at me I thought about cheating on you I really have I have urged im human and when we do have sex it feels like a chore like something that he needs to complete and get it over with its totally awkward like you don't know how to touch me Like when we 1st got together it was so hot you know we have sex all weekend now it's just like I'm not here and I asked him like what is wrong tell me truth if you don't want me let me know if you don't want me so we go our separate ways he claims that he wants me but he don't show it in im the at point right now where I really am thinking about just cheating I honestly thinking he could care less if I did not


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## Wish80 (Mar 19, 2021)

I totally understand it's like I'm not even here we spend Saturdays in the house by ourselves and you want to look twice at me I thought about cheating on you I really have I have urged im human and when we do have sex it feels like a chore like something that he needs to complete and get it over with its totally awkward like you don't know how to touch me Like when we 1st got together it was so hot you know we have sex all weekend now it's just like I'm not here and I asked him like what is wrong tell me truth if you don't want me let me know if you don't want me so we go our separate ways he claims that he wants me but he don't show it in im the at point right now where I really am thinking about just cheating I honestly thinking he could care less if I did not


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

These threads by wives who’s husbands don’t want sex from them, are real head scratchers. I’ve been with my wife 34 years , married 31 and even though she’s put on a little weight over the years from having our 4 kids, I sill find her smoking hot and would hit it every night, if she we’re down.

But it’s just not how attractive she is, that fuels my desire, it’s how much I love her. so when I here of husband who are not reacting to their wife putting on lingerie, I question do they even love their wife?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

jsmart said:


> These threads by wives who’s husbands don’t want sex from them, are real head scratchers. I’ve been with my wife 34 years , married 31 and even though she’s put on a little weight over the years from having our 4 kids, I sill find her smoking hot and would hit it every night, if she we’re down.
> 
> But it’s just not how attractive she is, that fuels my desire, it’s how much I love her. so when I here of husband who are not reacting to their wife putting on lingerie, I question do they even love their wife?


Agreed for me lingerie is like the big red Staples easy button. Unfortunately my wife won’t do it even the high end boutique expensive stuff.

As for HLF roughly 20% of sexual pursuers are female. So yeah it’s clearly biased towards men being the sexual pursuers.


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## Wish80 (Mar 19, 2021)

I use to have high self confidence. Now I think something wrong with me. My husband won't look at me or touch me. I have to get an attitude if I want sex. I miss how making out can turn into something. When I to initiate sex I get a bunch of excuses. I feel something is wrong with me. We talk about nothing ever changes. I don't know. I'm at the end of my rope


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Since this has been going on from the start it sounds like he liked the idea of being your first, but that's it. When you're out you probably catch him looking at other women, so I doubt it's his drive.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

So he’s got enough libido for porn but not you? That’s unbelievably evil and sad. I’m so sorry.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

anythingbutordinary said:


> We met when I was 19 and at the time I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. He was fine with that (wasn't necessarily waiting himself, but was fine with waiting too)..


I've seen this a lot on this site. Such a red flag now.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

CatholicDad said:


> So he’s got enough libido for porn but not you?


No effort release. All fantasy, no responsibility or reciprocity. 

Sad to see so many men ruining not only themselves but also their wives.


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## Jadedlilguy (Apr 7, 2021)

I feel your pain, I'm kinda in the same situation, but except for the porn thing. Which is a serious problem (I've never understood why people prefer videos over the real thing). I get along with my wife enjoy our time a lot. So the lack of sex doesn't even bother me anymore. Good luck.


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## Wish80 (Mar 19, 2021)

Jadedlilguy said:


> I feel your pain, I'm kinda in the same situation, but except for the porn thing. Which is a serious problem (I've never understood why people prefer videos over the real thing). I get along with my wife enjoy our time a lot. So the lack of sex doesn't even bother me anymore. Good luck.


Because there is nothing else


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

So you thought not having sex for 7 years was normal because you weren’t married?
So from 19 to 26 you were dating with no sex and your expectation is that saying “I Do” would turn you both into people of plentiful sexuality? Your living in dream land. You already taught him porn was his only outlet.....trained him for 7 years.


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## woodyh (Oct 23, 2015)

There are guys that have low sex drives. I worked with a guy for many years and he had said his desire for sex was about 3 times a month and his wife would do it daily if he would.

As far as the porn thing and I assume he is masturbating too, he needs to grow up and cut that out. Nothing wrong with masturbation as long as it doesn't cheat your partner out of a sexual encounter. We have a rule, no masturbating without asking the other for sex first. If they turn you down, then take care of business.


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## Crescendo (Apr 6, 2021)

anythingbutordinary said:


> Hi everyone. I've been lurking on here for quite awhile and am just getting the nerve to finally make a post.. So, my husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6. We met when I was 19 and at the time I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. He was fine with that (wasn't necessarily waiting himself, but was fine with waiting too)..However, once we got married he never really had interest in sex. We do other stuff (usually I do stuff for him more than he does for me..) but sex itself he gets very uncomfortable about. When I bring it up and try to talk to him about it, he just gets mad at me and makes me feel sex obsessed for even addressing it. Which I'm not, but I also feel like this isn't normal. He always says every relationship is different and he brings up random friends of his and says 'I doubt they're having sex all the time' or 'take my parents, you think they're just doin it all the time?' (which his parents are in their 60s and have 3 children..so not really comparable to our situation..lol). He does have an issue with porn as well. Which he also gets mad at me for trying to talk about. We are very different people to begin with, but we get along fine day to day.. However, I find myself feeling like we're more roommates than a married couple. I just don't feel that connection that I believe a married couple should have..
> 
> We got into a bit of a discussion about physical stuff this past weekend and I brought up that even when I get all dolled up, or times when we had plans and I make a point to dress actually _sexy_ he still showed 0 interest in me.. He laughed and told me I only do that every once in awhile. Which is true, I don't always dress super sexy..but I wear nice clothes and make up..Fix my hair nice, etc. I might not be this super sexy thing 24/7 but I don't look a big mess or anything either..
> 
> ...


Ugh I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's frustrating for me as a male to see this also happen to females since I am almost in the same exact situation. I believe he may have some sort of anxiety about sex or having sex. Maybe if you keep openly discussing about intimacy and feeling depressed he will seek marriage counseling or try to figure out why he feels the way he does. I hope that you are able to get this resolved with him...


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## anythingbutordinary (Sep 30, 2020)

woodyh said:


> There are guys that have low sex drives. I worked with a guy for many years and he had said his desire for sex was about 3 times a month and his wife would do it daily if he would.
> 
> As far as the porn thing and I assume he is masturbating too, he needs to grow up and cut that out. Nothing wrong with masturbation as long as it doesn't cheat your partner out of a sexual encounter. We have a rule, no masturbating without asking the other for sex first. If they turn you down, then take care of business.


Hmm that's interesting. I honestly don't even care about masturbation, I just feel like it's kinda messed up to go out of your way to search up random strangers to get off to when you don't do anything with the partner that's right there. That's what's the most upsetting to me..🤷‍♀️ But yeah, I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out. If it's a sex drive thing or a not attracted to me thing. 😕


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## anythingbutordinary (Sep 30, 2020)

badsanta said:


> First be aware that most of the advice you will get here comes from those in your same situation. That is people with a higher desire than a spouse that seems to lack interest. So the discussions here tend to be a little bit like the blind leading the blind.
> 
> So when I would try to address this issue with my wife (me being the one with more desire), she too would get very angry and a bit defensive. She would quickly point out all her female friends that have no desire and tell me that my expectations were unrealistic. Years later I would eventually understand that this anger came from a place of her feeling vulnerable and inadequate to ever please me or make me happy.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response. That really was good advice. I definitely don't put any pressure on him with anything, the worst I do is try to have a discussion about it just to understand. I guess I just get confused cause he wants things done to him, just not to me... and he looks at porn, which I know is different (and easier) so maybe I shouldn't compare.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Stop making excuses for him! He is making a decision to look up porn for a one sided release. It boils down to being selfish and not giving a crap about your sexual needs. Even if he wasn’t in the mood since he had just gone to town on his member, he could give you a release as well.

Ive found myself in this boat and it’s important to not let them make up excuses. The whole “I’m tired” excuse is nonsense. If he can jack off for 10 minutes then he can have sex for 5. Put your foot down and demand an answer. If it’s an attraction issue then you deserve to know! You will find someone who is attracted to you and wants his needs fulfilled by a person, not a hand.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Spot on, @moulinyx



anythingbutordinary said:


> I honestly don't even care about masturbation


Might want to rethink that - How death grip masturbation ruins sex life


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

anythingbutordinary said:


> But yeah, I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out. If it's a sex drive thing or a not attracted to me thing. 😕


Are you good, giving, and game in bed? 

You could be a supermodel, but if you're just plain bad at sex, your partner will eventually lose interest. 

Think about your answer. Not at all surprisingly, no one i have ever asked that question here has said that they were anything short of magnificent in the sack. 

Are you compatible? Do you both like the same things? Do you share a common definition of what it means to be sexually satisfied?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

anythingbutordinary said:


> Thank you. I have tried more to say exactly how I feel. There have been times that I get so frustrated and feel so distant from him that I even cry when I'm trying to tell him how upset I feel about this but he just says I'm making it a bigger deal than it is. I'm starting to feel like unless _he_ feels like there's an issue, nothing is ever going to change.


Ugh, been there, done that. I really feel for you.


anythingbutordinary said:


> Hmm that's interesting. I honestly don't even care about masturbation, I just feel like it's kinda messed up to go out of your way to search up random strangers to get off to when you don't do anything with the partner that's right there. That's what's the most upsetting to me..🤷‍♀️ But yeah, I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out. If it's a sex drive thing or a not attracted to me thing. 😕


Unfortunately, in my experience, it turned out my exH was cheating int he last 2 yrs of our marriage and was a closet alcholic and porn addict for who knows how long.


moulinyx said:


> Stop making excuses for him! He is making a decision to look up porn for a one sided release. It boils down to being selfish and not giving a crap about your sexual needs. Even if he wasn’t in the mood since he had just gone to town on his member, he could give you a release as well.
> 
> Ive found myself in this boat and it’s important to not let them make up excuses. The whole “I’m tired” excuse is nonsense. If he can jack off for 10 minutes then he can have sex for 5. Put your foot down and demand an answer. If it’s an attraction issue then you deserve to know! You will find someone who is attracted to you and wants his needs fulfilled by a person, not a hand.


I agree with this, this is not a marriage. I lived your life for way too long and I ended up divorcing him anyway for cheating. Some things I noted, the whole not minding to wait to have sex until marriage. My exH and I had sex before marriage, but we were long distance for 6 years, so sex didn't happen much before marriage. 

We always had issues gettign "in-sync", but at least it was passionate in the beginning. It changed completely after marriage. Did that happen for you? I dealt with the same tactics, being ignored, having my desire diminished. He did get his T checked, but refused to use Viagra, but still wanted to remain married. It completely demolished my self-esteem. Honestly, if you don't have kids, cut and run. 

Even if you do, do you really want to lie like roommates for the rest of your life, while giving him the security of having a soft landing? He can find someone who suddenly "lights his fire" and cheat, and then you'll be left with nothing like I was. I'd hate to see you or anyone lie a sham of a marriage and sacrifice the vibrant part of yourself all for nothing.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

This ain't just low T or porn. Hubby is outright being cruel. Most men would have to be half dead to not respond to their wife when she's dressed up and looking sexy. Top that off with receiving sex and no giving? I'd say he's purposefully trying to break you... I'm so sorry.


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## anythingbutordinary (Sep 30, 2020)

Wish80 said:


> I use to have high self confidence. Now I think something wrong with me. My husband won't look at me or touch me. I have to get an attitude if I want sex. I miss how making out can turn into something. When I to initiate sex I get a bunch of excuses. I feel something is wrong with me. We talk about nothing ever changes. I don't know. I'm at the end of my rope


Sorry I'm just now replying.. I'm sorry to hear you're in the same boat. I feel the same way. I don't get it.. I feel like something is wrong with me.. and then if I try to bring it up he just gets mad and makes me feel like a **** for talking to him about it so I just stopped trying. 😕 I know probably not the right thing to do, but talking about it doesn't work so I don't know what to do..


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## anythingbutordinary (Sep 30, 2020)

CatholicDad said:


> This ain't just low T or porn. Hubby is outright being cruel. Most men would have to be half dead to not respond to their wife when she's dressed up and looking sexy. Top that off with receiving sex and no giving? I'd say he's purposefully trying to break you... I'm so sorry.


Sometimes I think that too. He's outright said that if anything were to end between us, I would have to be the one to end it, not him.. probably cause he knows it's highly likely I never will. I just don't understand why he would want to be in a relationship if he doesn't have much interest in me outside of what you would with a friend. 🤷‍♀️


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some people just don’t care very much about sex. We (on TAM) usually don’t hear about the lucky ones who marry someone just like them — we hear about all the mismatches. You’re unfortunately in a mismatch and it’s not very often that resolves well.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

anythingbutordinary said:


> Hi everyone. I've been lurking on here for quite awhile and am just getting the nerve to finally make a post.. So, my husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6. We met when I was 19 and at the time I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. He was fine with that (wasn't necessarily waiting himself, but was fine with waiting too)..However, once we got married he never really had interest in sex. We do other stuff (usually I do stuff for him more than he does for me..) but sex itself he gets very uncomfortable about. When I bring it up and try to talk to him about it, he just gets mad at me and makes me feel sex obsessed for even addressing it. Which I'm not, but I also feel like this isn't normal. He always says every relationship is different and he brings up random friends of his and says 'I doubt they're having sex all the time' or 'take my parents, you think they're just doin it all the time?' (which his parents are in their 60s and have 3 children..so not really comparable to our situation..lol). He does have an issue with porn as well. Which he also gets mad at me for trying to talk about. We are very different people to begin with, but we get along fine day to day.. However, I find myself feeling like we're more roommates than a married couple. I just don't feel that connection that I believe a married couple should have..
> 
> We got into a bit of a discussion about physical stuff this past weekend and I brought up that even when I get all dolled up, or times when we had plans and I make a point to dress actually _sexy_ he still showed 0 interest in me.. He laughed and told me I only do that every once in awhile. Which is true, I don't always dress super sexy..but I wear nice clothes and make up..Fix my hair nice, etc. I might not be this super sexy thing 24/7 but I don't look a big mess or anything either..
> 
> ...


He's a porn addict and it is affecting everything about his sex life and his attraction to you. Tell him to get help for it or get out.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

anythingbutordinary said:


> No, we're not. He doesn't seem very interested in me at all, but he still hints at me doing stuff for him..and I usually just do whatever he wants cause I feel like if I stopped then there'd be absolutely nothing.. but maybe that's what needs to happen in order for any kind of change to happen.


Yeah don't do stuff for him. He's getting off in some other way and he's using you as his occasional c*m rag when he feels like it. I've been there and done that. If you read my post you will see what I'm talking about. Your husband is porn sick and he's emotionally abusing you. He wants a wife for all the good things wives do except sex. He is gaslighting you to accept celibacy by making you feel dirty for wanting what's natural. He is doing this because he prioritizes his needs over yours. He knows if you know the truth you may seek sex elsewhere and he definitely doesn't want that. So in order to have his cake and eat it to he lies and lies.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

anythingbutordinary said:


> Hi everyone. I've been lurking on here for quite awhile and am just getting the nerve to finally make a post.. So, my husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6. We met when I was 19 and at the time I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. He was fine with that (wasn't necessarily waiting himself, but was fine with waiting too)..However, once we got married he never really had interest in sex. We do other stuff (usually I do stuff for him more than he does for me..) but sex itself he gets very uncomfortable about. When I bring it up and try to talk to him about it, he just gets mad at me and makes me feel sex obsessed for even addressing it. Which I'm not, but I also feel like this isn't normal. He always says every relationship is different and he brings up random friends of his and says 'I doubt they're having sex all the time' or 'take my parents, you think they're just doin it all the time?' (which his parents are in their 60s and have 3 children..so not really comparable to our situation..lol). He does have an issue with porn as well. Which he also gets mad at me for trying to talk about. We are very different people to begin with, but we get along fine day to day.. However, I find myself feeling like we're more roommates than a married couple. I just don't feel that connection that I believe a married couple should have..
> 
> We got into a bit of a discussion about physical stuff this past weekend and I brought up that even when I get all dolled up, or times when we had plans and I make a point to dress actually _sexy_ he still showed 0 interest in me.. He laughed and told me I only do that every once in awhile. Which is true, I don't always dress super sexy..but I wear nice clothes and make up..Fix my hair nice, etc. I might not be this super sexy thing 24/7 but I don't look a big mess or anything either..
> 
> ...


Right there I see that the pornography which is mental adultery is affecting your marriage. It will never be right if he continues in that. It might have to get to the point of porn or me.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

GC1234 said:


> I've seen this a lot on this site. Such a red flag now.


I have seen it for years and counselled on it in marriage sites. I call it mental adultery now as that is what it is. Sex should be between the spouses. If one is going to get married one should be physically faithful and not be trawling the porn sites. The only way to cure the marriage is to stop the porn but be careful not to drive it underground. You will know instinctively if that is the case. A woman's intuition can be very strong on this even if he thinks he is hiding it.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> You're not the problem, so you can't fix anything.


Now THAT'S a profundity that needs to be repeated often.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

VladDracul said:


> The cat may be stocking another gal's shelves or started playing for an all male team.


You do have a way with words.


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## Tr.Swiss (12 mo ago)

Well, I don't know whether a similar recent posts exists but as this one describes my issue the best I thought to write something...

Me and my wife are happily married since 4 years and both 44 years old in the meanwhile. We used to have a lot of physical love in the past, I would say maybe 2 or 3 times a week but that's past since few months now. One of the reasons is, my wife really wanted to have a child but did realize, that I do not want that much like her and unfortunately without any treatment she would not get any chance of pregnancy and even then, the chance for a baby is low. So she lost her interest maybe and although I want it still as usual do not get close to her anymore as I am just tired to be always the one, who initiates something.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Just remember this, everyone is interested in sex. The key is with you.


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## pippo (Jan 12, 2022)

Tony Conrad said:


> Right there I see that the pornography which is mental adultery is affecting your marriage. It will never be right if he continues in that. It might have to get to the point of porn or me.


Porn and a good marriage full of love are not mutually exclusive. That is a popular myth especially perpetuated by Religion, mostly. And pandering politicians.


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## texasironhorse4 (12 mo ago)

anythingbutordinary said:


> Hi everyone. I've been lurking on here for quite awhile and am just getting the nerve to finally make a post.. So, my husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6. We met when I was 19 and at the time I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. He was fine with that (wasn't necessarily waiting himself, but was fine with waiting too)..However, once we got married he never really had interest in sex. We do other stuff (usually I do stuff for him more than he does for me..) but sex itself he gets very uncomfortable about. When I bring it up and try to talk to him about it, he just gets mad at me and makes me feel sex obsessed for even addressing it. Which I'm not, but I also feel like this isn't normal. He always says every relationship is different and he brings up random friends of his and says 'I doubt they're having sex all the time' or 'take my parents, you think they're just doin it all the time?' (which his parents are in their 60s and have 3 children..so not really comparable to our situation..lol). He does have an issue with porn as well. Which he also gets mad at me for trying to talk about. We are very different people to begin with, but we get along fine day to day.. However, I find myself feeling like we're more roommates than a married couple. I just don't feel that connection that I believe a married couple should have..
> 
> We got into a bit of a discussion about physical stuff this past weekend and I brought up that even when I get all dolled up, or times when we had plans and I make a point to dress actually _sexy_ he still showed 0 interest in me.. He laughed and told me I only do that every once in awhile. Which is true, I don't always dress super sexy..but I wear nice clothes and make up..Fix my hair nice, etc. I might not be this super sexy thing 24/7 but I don't look a big mess or anything either..
> 
> ...


It happens honey. We are both very sexual and I found it pleasurable one afternoon while drinking lunch with my wife and good friend to go back to his home and let it happen for the three of us I have never regretted it and I know all in our group knew we were ****ing together all the time.


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