# worth it or not?



## s1979j (Dec 16, 2012)

Hi guys. I am here because I have no one else I really can talk to about this without some sort of judgement . I appreciate any feedback. Just trying to make sense of things. I apologize if this gets long. 

My wife and I have been together 9 years (married 5) and have 2 kids. I have hurt her and lied to her in the past, mostly to avoid fights and save myself from confrontation and disapproval. 
During those times, I did not think it was a big deal and thought it was her overreacting. Boy was I wrong as I was to find out recently. 

I was an idiot and I say I love her but would i really do that to her previously? It hurts me how bad I acted looking back. Not a real man at all. When my wife would act out at me I would get defensive and resentful. I also do this with my family so maybe that is why I didnt notice as much. 

So anyway, my wife and I have been drifting away the last few months. She finally sat me down to talk about it a few weeks ago. In this discussion, we talked about her current feelings. She was not happy with us. I had tuned her out and in turn didnt know what she wanted. She said she felt like being single might be best for her. She also expressed feelings for another friend who she had been hanging with recently. 

In short, this talk shook my world. I immediately started reading a book that I think has given me a new outlook on life. It REALLY opened my eyes to what I was doing and it gave me extreme confidence I could change my behaviors that were shutting her out at those times. Over the last few weeks I have experienced nearly every emotion as we go through this. We had another fight (which had me being desperate for her to continue trying) and I have also expressed my feelings on the other guy. In between the fights and the mistrust, I have done some really sweet things for her. It has been very up and down. I even gave her the analogy of a roller coaster with bad support beams 

Long story short, with this new outlook, I realize how much I missed out on things and how much I hurt her. It is the most terrible feeling. Without the real intimacy either, I have never felt more alone in this relationship. I guess this is maybe what she was going through when I had hurt her previously. On the plus side I have lost about 15 lbs from not eating from the stress 

After my latest romantic gesture today ( a slideshow video recapping how awesome she is set to a song that fits my feelings perfectly) it kind of sent mixed messages to her as she thought I was mad at her (which I kind of was, we had a little talk about 30 minutes before I did this gesture) I can explain more of that later. 

I get the general feeling that she still feels feelings for me, but she seems confused. She says she loves me and always will, but I know she is scared to come back as she does not want to get hurt. I get that and I completely understand. 

So right now, I am at a point where I want go all in to save this marriage. I am unsure of whether she does at this point. Is she confused still? I try to say I Love You pretty regularly (maybe I shouldnt?) and she'll say it back about 75% of the time. Usually more when we were good.

I feel like this, along with her now subsiding feelings for the other guy, are really confusing her too. One of the big reasons she was talking to the other guy was they have very similar outlook on things and that was a reason she was fed up with me. She said we didnt even like the same things anymore. Which was partially because I shut her out. We do have similar intersests and sense of humor, etc. and I realized I would completely miss that.

I just need to know there is hope and this is possible or that ultimately this is the end. If its the latter, I guess I can start preparing myself to let her go. The problem is the kids, and the living situation. Neither of us can afford to stay in our current place by ourselves (we are renting a house) and we have two dogs. Her parents live near by and have ample space for her and kids if it came down to it. That would just leave me to find a place. 

If it is possible to do save things, how should I proceed, just stay positive with things? Always show her and remind her of us? Do i need to give her space? The book I am reading has given me ideas to be a better me, which will mean a better US. I really want to do this right. I want that marriage with her that we thought would be. I really just want to be intimate with her again.

Until I see signs otherwise, I am considering the other guy a non-issue right now. I do not want to snoop (though I briefly did). as the mistrust just seems to push us further apart (hence the talk we had before my little video today) 

Are there any ways that work to build that trust back up for her? Is there a way to shed the negative thoughts to help focus on the positive? Is snooping bad. Other sites I have seen, it seems like no one will help you unless you snoop. My wife and I both agree, the issues between us are about just that, US at this point, so I am now of the thought that snooping isnt necessary or healthy.

Thanks for any feedback, I appreciate your taking the time to read this.


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

You are correct that you need to put the focus on yourself. It is also true that whatever you say to her is not likely to be effective; it's what you do that counts to get her trust back.
It's also important to make yourself attractive to her again. Pleading with her and trying to get her approval will only have the opposite effect.
Here is something you could listen to that would help:
008 - How to Get You and Your Spouse Attracted to Each Other Again | Growing in Love for Life: Save and Strengthen Your Marriage


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## s1979j (Dec 16, 2012)

Thanks Liam! I understand the pleading part and at that point it was a moment of weakness. 

I appreciate the feedback. I will look into the book you wrote as well as the podcasts.

A lot of what I have read up until now suggests I do those projects around the house that she always wanted me to do or that she started without her saying. I have started doing a few of those things and she has noticed it seems. I am not seeking approval in doing these things because I now want to do them but will she see it as otherwise?

Perhaps I should read the materials before I ask questions.


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