# Am I being unfair?



## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Or maybe I'm being unrealistic. I'm not sure how to link back to my previous posts to give background. Hopefully I'll figure it out! Anyway, I'm really on the brink of just picking up my toys and walking away. My husband begged me a week ago after finally entering IC to give him one more chance. I agreed to do so. I don't want my marriage to end. 

Though I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells because of his history of blowing up at the slightest thing, things have been pretty good since Sunday. Then last night, he asks me how things are going. I told him that this week has been really good. So, he pushes on and asks if we're going to stay together. I answered him honestly by saying that I don't know. That started another fight.

I keep telling him that years worth of hurt and mistrust can't be healed in a week, and that it's something that we're going to have to work on. I told him that we need to start over. So, he replies, "You mean you want me to try to win you back." He said it very accusingly, and it made me feel like crap. I ended up crying myself to sleep... again.

When I woke up this morning, I reevaluated the situation. He cheated on me. He's been either emotionally absent or emotionally abusive for the past few years. I've been trying to make our marriage work by myself. Is it so wrong that I would want him to try to win me back? I'm not in love with him, but I do still love him and care about him very deeply. I believe that I can fall back in love, but it will take work on both our parts. Work that he just doesn't seem to be willing to do. He said that he feels like he's pretending if he tries to court me, again. 

I don't know what else to tell him. I don't know what else to try. I'm exhausted from the strain, from the fighting, and from walking on tip-toes. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to date me, again, and try to rediscover our love for one another? Am I looking at this the wrong way?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/73906-any-hope.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...can-rosetta-stone-teach-women-speak-male.html


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

No, you are not being at all unreasonable. HE CHEATED. HE is the one who should be doing the heavy lifting here to repair the marriage and help you heal. If he isnt willing to do it, it will never work. He should be remorseful...has he been?


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> No, you are not being at all unreasonable. HE CHEATED. HE is the one who should be doing the heavy lifting here to repair the marriage and help you heal. If he isnt willing to do it, it will never work. He should be remorseful...has he been?


3X, I think he feels badly at some level. Mostly I think it's lipservice, though. Every time we argue, it's about how hurt he is that I told him that I'm no longer in love with him. There is very little concern for my feelings. 

To further complicate things, I finally got him to go to IC, and the psychiatrist he saw diagnosed him with PTSD due to something that happened when he was a child. He won't continue treatment, if I leave, and I'm really wrestling with guilt over that.

I just want to be happy, again.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Are you doing MC? Bless your heart for still trying to make this work. Its takes a strong person to look past someones faults and still be willing to give it a go.

I wish I could clone my MC and pass her all over the country. Shes GREAT at getting people to reconnect and fall back in love. She says the feelings aren't gone, they're just buried in months/years of resentment/anger and take a LONG time to dig out.

I hope your husband finds the strength to continue his therapy, if not im afraid your fighting blindfolded with one arm tied behind your back.

I wish you all the best in your journey, stay strong, stay your course so he sees how important his journey must be.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Thumper,

Thanks for your encouragement. The weekend was riddled with angry outbursts. On Saturday evening, after seething at me under his breath all day, I decided to go to bed at 8:00. I just couldn't take any more. Our son came in to tell me goodnight and asked me what was wrong. I just told him that I was sad. When he left, I started to cry. Less than a minute later, my husband sends him back into our room, where he finds me crying. So we go back to the living room for a family talk, during which my husband proceeds to promise our son that everything is fine and we will be together forever. I told our son that he didn't have anything to worry about, because no matter what, Mommy and Daddy would always love him with their whole hearts. I refused to make a promise that I am not at all sure I could keep. That made my husband furious.

He went through my email and Facebook accounts and saw a message that I had sent to a former co-worker back in November. Understand that this was one message that was sent months ago to someone 1400 miles away that simply stated that I thought my marriage was over, and I needed some advice. This man was a family friend when we lived in Minnesota and actually helped us move furniture when we bought new.

When he saw the message, he burst into our bedroom at 2:00 a.m. and started making accusations. Quite frankly, I had no idea what he was talking about. I didn't even remember sending the message, which, by the way, went unanswered. After being berated for 30 minutes, with him refusing to tell me what message he was referring to, I went to my computer and looked it up. When I read it aloud to him, I asked him how he was able to interpret the text as an affair. He had no answer. I finally put on my big girl panties and told him that I would not allow him to make accusations against me out of his own guilt. That's when he realized that he had WAY over-reacted and apologized. I told him that he had open access to my email and Facebook any time he wants it. I also offered to give him access to the personal messages I've sent on this site. These are the ones that he doesn't want to see, though.

By about 4:00 a.m., I was emotionally spent and told him that I simply couldn't do this anymore. My blood pressure has gone crazy, and I've never had issues with it before. On Sunday, I sent our son to my adult daughter's house so that the hubs and I could talk freely. After another 2 hour angry outburst on his part, he apologized yet again and asked if we could do one more session with a marriage counselor, which I agreed to. 

He keeps telling me that all he wants is for me to be in love with him, again. I told him that this is NOT the way to make that happen. He has no idea how badly his words hurt or how much damage they do. I don't seem to be able to get through to him. I am simply at a loss.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Well, I guess its a tricky sitch for sure.

When he gets that way, have you ever thought of telling him. "look you cheated on me and im still here, trying to work this out, and your the one with trust and anger issues? Maybe you need to step back and figure out what you really want to do, cause what your doing isn't working for me right now."

Sorry I didn't read backstory, just went by info supplied by 3x.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Thumper, that's pretty much what I told him the other night. He is supposed to be getting an appointment for IC today and setting the appointment for one more session of MC for us, as well. The first sessions that I scheduled were through my EAP at work, and then they went through my health insurance. The copay is less through his insurance, so it's preferable for us to go that route. And, truthfully, I wanted the ball to be in his court. If he wants to save this, he needs to show me that he's willing to do SOMETHING. Even if it's just making a phone call to set an appointment. I want my marriage to work. I'm just not certain how much more of myself I'm willing to sacrifice for that to happen.


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