# 2 year old.. Want her out of my bed.



## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Hey all, 2 kids here. 4 and 2. 4 year old never slept with us, so he's fine!

The two year old however.. If she's even alone for a second, she'll hyperventilate on the floor. I can't even take out the trash! What brought this on? NO CLUE! Maybe never being away from me. In bed she wraps herself around me, but I'm trying to get actual sleep, and I can't do that with a diagonally sleeping baby. When she first came into the world, she had to sleep against my chest or she wouldn't sleep.

So.. 3 nights ago, I started putting her in her own room, in her own bed. I was utterly exhausted. I let her cry herself to sleep two nights in a row. So I do it again last night, and my boyfriend was awake this time, he's usually out cold.

Anyway, baby passes out at 8:30, in her highchair. I shift her to her bed. She wakes up, screams, panics. I let her cry through an entire episode of the big bang theory. Boyfriends sitting there stressing next to me. she stops crying, he tiptoes down the hallway to check on her and listens in her door. Says shes sobbing quietly. Opens the door, shes sitting there coloring in her book on her bed, trying to take her mind off of being alone. Boyfriend cries, grabs the baby, next thing I know, she's in bed with me. Again.

We've tried putting her bed in our room, she just gets in ours anyway. I've tried walking her back to her own bed a ton, does nothing. I'm clueless.

He wants to buy a bigger bed.. I see this as a big of a waste, considering ours is a queen and less than a year old -_-


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Only one answer to this.
In order for it to stop, her crying cannot have any power over anything or anyone.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Only one answer to this.
> In order for it to stop, her crying cannot have any power over anything or anyone.


:iagree: 100%


Do not let b/f go to her room at all. Do you have a baby monitor that you can listen to her when she quiets down? For sure turn it down when she's crying, but when she quiets down you can listen to her. Eventually she will fall asleep. Provide her with a "baby" she can sleep with (ie teddy bear or other favorite stuffed animal), so she won't feel lonely. Tell her a story about that baby, that he just wants to sleep with her in her big girl bed.

For god's sake DO NOT buy a bigger bed to accommodate a 2 year old toddler. She's no longer a "baby". She needs to learn that it's ok to be alone in her room and sleep by herself in her own bed. All 3 of you will be better off in the long run. 

The 1st few nights are the hardest, but you can get through it and then bedtime will no longer be an issue.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

That's a tough one. Our first child would not sleep in a crib. We discovered she loved her baby swing and would sleep all night in it. So that's what she did for a couple years. Every night. We took the swing to Disney with us so she'd sleep! She's 13 now and perfectly fine.

I have to go with the others...let her cry it out. WHY did bf pick her up after she'd stopped crying????

Maybe let her stay up later until she's really tired? Then put her in her bed?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Only one answer to this.
> In order for it to stop, her crying cannot have any power over anything or anyone.


:iagree:

Start a bedtime routine and stick to it. Have her take a relaxing shower/bath, get ready for bed, and then go to sleep in her own bed. If she starts crying, let her cry. She will eventually stop and settle down. 

Also, try what Southern Wife said, and give her a "baby" to sleep with to help with her feeling lonely. Talk to her about how great it is for her to sleep in her big girl bed. When she makes it through that first night, tell her how wonderful she was sleeping on her own. 

It will be hard in the beginning, but you have to stick to the routine. Don't let her crying get to you.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I would do it in two steps. First have her go into her room in her bed and you can be in her room and perhaps even sleep in the room ( not the bed) until she gets used to it. Then move back to your bed and do what Sw & Anon suggest.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

meson said:


> I would do it in two steps. First have her go into her room in her bed and you can be in her room and perhaps even sleep in the room ( not the bed) until she gets used to it. Then move back to your bed and do what Sw & Anon suggest.


I do not agree with sleeping in the same room. That defeats the purpose. JMO!


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

southern wife said:


> I do not agree with sleeping in the same room. That defeats the purpose. JMO!


Certainly sleeping in the same room is NOT a solution. But in this case it is designed to have her daughter become comfortable in her own room first then have her sleep on her own. The idea is to more gradually make the change. Ultimately there will be tears and anger but hopefully it will be less. It worked well for us because we would also set goals at each step.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

This is what I saw on Super Nanny, it seemed to work on there.

Put the child in their own bed, turn the lights off, but leave the door open. 
Sit on the floor of the bedroom, near the doorway with your back to the bed.
When the child gets off their bed & comes to you (and they will), put them back in their bed WITHOUT speaking, cuddling or making eye contact.
Keep this up until they stay in their bed. Ignore the crying, the pleading, the throwing themselves at you.
You & your b/f have to stay strong to make this work.
It should only take 2 or 3 nights for your daughter to settle in her own bed at night. Also, use the teddy/doll sleeping as well, just remember, you can't reason with a 2 yo, they are not mini adults.

This is something you have to address or it will continue. My SIL would not make her kids sleep in their own beds, they are now 10 & 12 & still prefer to sleep in the parent's room. My brother sleeps on the couch most of the time, the mother & the kids sleep in the room.
Ask your b/f if this is what he wants.


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## BarelyThere (Dec 31, 2012)

Okay, I'm probably going to get heat for this, but I want to bring up the other side of the coin. She's TWO. She isn't manipulating, she isn't trying to force you to do her wishes. You have changed the routine and she's trying to figure it out. 

At two, their whole lives revolve around the structure you have created for them. Messing it up takes adjustment. She's not trying to be a brat - her world has just been rocked and on top of that, she's being told to deal with it on her own.

I have three kids and two slept with us. I know where you're coming from. What worked for me with the older one, at about three, was to lay in his bed with him until he fell asleep. No crying, no fussing, no stress. 

If he woke up and came to our room in the middle of the night, we'd let him stay. The next night, I would lay with him til he slept again in his bed. It only took a few nights of this before he was content to go to sleep and stay in his bed. It's been two years now and he never -- I mean never -- comes into our room to sleep. So it isn't necessarily going to be an ongoing issue into the preteens.

If your girl is having panic attacks at being alone, that is pretty serious. Letting her cry it out when she's already so afraid is likely going to make the issue worse. 

As for being super clingy, my two-year old daughter just went through that for a few months - freaking out, yelling "Mommy!" if she couldn't immediately find me. I think it's just a phase and yours will move on soon, too.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Yeah I hope she moves on from her phase soon, Brett picked her up because he was certain she was in there terrified, alone and sobbing. Right now its almost midnight and im exhausted but shes still wide awake..


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Falling asleep in the high chair and waking up in the bed probably frightened her.
To achieve your goal she needs a good bedtime routine. The best pattern to follow is supper, bath, story, bed.
If you really want to achieve seperation then it's going to take a lot of will power and patience. Should all be done and dusted in a week or two though.
As an earlier posted highlighted she is being made to change the routine that you created. It's a big adjustment for her, but she'll get there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BarelyThere (Dec 31, 2012)

I saw you said she fell asleep at 8:30. Another thing that did wonders to improve things around here was putting them to bed earlier. I read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and it basically talks about how most kids are not getting enough sleep.

My oldest used to go to bed around 9. Now he's in bed around 6:30 and still sleeping in til the same time in the morning. You might try pushing her back a half hour at a time and seeing if that helps things.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Bellavista said:


> This is something you have to address or it will continue. My SIL would not make her kids sleep in their own beds, they are now 10 & 12 & still prefer to sleep in the parent's room. *My brother sleeps on the couch most of the time, the mother & the kids sleep in the room.*
> Ask your b/f if this is what he wants.


And this leads to many divorces. At 10 & 12...that is ridiculous!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> The best pattern to follow is supper, bath, story, bed.
> If you really want to achieve seperation then it's going to take a lot of will power and patience. Should all be done and dusted in a week or two though.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: Start it asap (tonight) and stick with it. Start bath time at 7:00 (that's what we did/do, so it's just a suggestion), then read a book, and put her to bed. My daughter's bedtime is 8:00. Never been an issue.

Good luck!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Great suggestions here. Consistency is the key. When your BF grabbed her and took her to your bedroom...you were back where you started. Another day or two and it would have been much better (not without roadbumps).

The main thing here is....your child will not be scarred from this. She will survive a crying spell. No need to feel guilt. It will be ok in the long run and she won't even remember it!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BarelyThere said:


> Okay, I'm probably going to get heat for this, but I want to bring up the other side of the coin. She's TWO. She isn't manipulating, she isn't trying to force you to do her wishes. You have changed the routine and she's trying to figure it out.


Yes, but YOU are the adult and YOU know what is healthiest for the family. And that means not sleeping together. It's just sleep!

I was going to suggest the SuperNanny thing, too. Put them in bed after reading to them and soothing them, turn out the light, and sit on the floor in the dark NOT facing them, so they can see you there for comfort but you are NOT jumping to fix things. That takes care of the needing to feel safe, and it addresses your unwillingness to bend to do more. They will eventually get it.

BUT...I want to also point out that you say she has been this way since birth. It's a fair chance that she has sensory issues. You should bring this up to her doctor.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

So how is this working out, Kip? Any new updates?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

BarelyThere said:


> Okay, I'm probably going to get heat for this, but I want to bring up the other side of the coin. She's TWO. She isn't manipulating, she isn't trying to force you to do her wishes. You have changed the routine and she's trying to figure it out.


We humans are born manipulative. It's how we survive.

Anyway Kipani, stay focused and consistent. Your primary job in life (I think) is to prepare your children to be healthy happy productive capable adults one day. Part of this is setting and enforcing boundaries based on what you think is right. Not based on how easy or difficult it is.

I see too many people ( not saying you're one BT ) who try to associate adult emotions on children. Good luck. Remember it's about her well being. Not about how happy or mad she is or about how well you sleep.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

kipani said:


> Yeah I hope she moves on from her phase soon, Brett picked her up because he was certain she was in there terrified, alone and sobbing. Right now its almost midnight and im exhausted but shes still wide awake..


Maybe Brett needs to know that you are the final say with your child. His input is only input. Doing right by our children really is serious business. In the end, do what you think is right.


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## girl friday (Jan 14, 2012)

I agree with a lot of these suggestions. You definately need a routine and you need to be strong, loving and consistant. Make her room a place she really wants to be in, maybe try a night light so she doesn't feel so freaked out with it being so dark.


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## NelsonTrouble (Jan 5, 2013)

Oh my, our oldest NEVER slept... at least until she was 4! We tried many, many different things, researched causes, consulted Dr.s for help, friends, internet etc. Some children have a stronger will than adults, our daughter did for sure. Eventually having a constant bedtime routine helped to keep her calmer, we did the same routine for years! Also when she would get out of bed constantly the only thing that worked for us was staying in her room until she was almost asleep. First laying near here just touching her with one hand, arm, foot etc. then slowly, very slowly backing away from her. The process took about an hour or so everynight for the first few weeks, then we gradually started doing the whole process quicker until we were down to about 15 minutes. After that we spent months sitting next to her door just sitting, or reading a book for a few minutes before leaving, eventually it worked. Though some nights she would still get up, going back to her doorway would remind her of the process. 

best of luck to you!!!


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Well lately Ive just been on the couch with her. We watch tv til she passes out, then I sneak off to my own bed. She still comes in every night at like 3AM! Then wakes up crying at 3:30.. 4.. 5..

Needless to say, I'm.. so
TIRED


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

This will continue as long as you allow it. She needs to learn to self soothe, to get herself back to sleep when she wakens at night & to get herself to sleep when put to bed. Read some literature on how to do this. Really, you either learn how to live with little sleep or take the matter into hand. It can be done, but it takes perserverance & being tough for a couple of days.
Trust me, we had 5 kids, some of them were not good sleepers. They had to be taught how to stay in their beds & sleep.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

kipani said:


> Well lately Ive just been on the couch with her. We watch tv til she passes out, then I sneak off to my own bed. She still comes in every night at like 3AM! Then wakes up crying at 3:30.. 4.. 5..
> 
> Needless to say, I'm.. so
> TIRED


Oh wow, so it's gone in the opposite direction.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why won't you just be the parent and make her stay in her bed? Look, I know it's hard, but it's only for a few days - that period where you force her to stay in her bedroom and she throws tantrums, and then she realizes you MEAN it, and she accepts it for what it is.

As is, you're getting the tantrums, you're not sleeping, AND she still gets to do what she wants.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

turnera said:


> I know it's hard, but it's only for a few days - that period where you force her to stay in her bedroom and she throws tantrums, and then she realizes you MEAN it, and she accepts it for what it is.


I have to agree. Hopefully this doesn't sound harsh because I mean it with best intentions for your daughter and you. She deserves for you to be emotionally stronger than her right now and smart about behaviorism and psychology. Dynamics where her crying and tantrums and acting gets her what she wants will get worse as she gets older. It's in all of our nature. Be strong for her so she grows knowing that we don't get everything we want and that life isn't fair. She needs to be in her bed because you say that's what she has to be. The details aren't the issue so much because people let kids sleep with them longer and it's not always a problem. The issue is the power struggle where she's trying to be the one with control. As a parent you need to be the authority and the one choosing for her. Her actions or behaviors should never give her emotional control over you.

Boundaries, consistency, authority, and the parents always winning the authority aspect is very important I think. Otherwise they may hit their feet later on with an entitled manipulative personality which generally turns to dissapointment and even depression.

Good luck Kipani.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Parents should *always* rule the roost; not the other way around. Get that child in her own bed..............alone!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you ever watch SuperNanny? Nearly every episode is a result of the parents not standing up to the kids, letting the kids make their own decisions, and turning into little tyrants. And in nearly every single episode, the parents have manifested this lack of control by letting their kids dictate their bedtime and their bed PLACE. In every episode, Jo has to TEACH the parents how to be parents, and set up strict rules about getting IN bed and about getting OUT of bed. SHE knows that it's ESSENTIAL for a child's well-being to know that bedtimes are not negotiable. And in every episode - though it may take an hour or it may take 5 hours, the kid eventually realizes the adult finally means business, and concedes. There was one poster here who had a different experience, but that is one out of millions. Your kids are no different - they just need you to be the adult. 

Kids don't WANT to be in charge. They may think they do, but they are kids! They're thinking with a child's half-formed brain! Above all, kids want consistency, rules they KNOW will always be there (for security), and to be loved. You've got the latter down right - now take care of the former.

You tried taking a sneaky route to getting what you wanted because you're too weak or scared to stand up to your child, and what has it gotten you? YOU don't even get to sleep in your own bed now, because you've taken to sneaking around your own home in an attempt to not upset a TWO YEAR OLD.

She NEEDS you to man up on this, ok?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

turnera said:


> Do you ever watch SuperNanny? Nearly every episode is a result of the parents not standing up to the kids, letting the kids make their own decisions, and turning into little tyrants. And in nearly every single episode, the parents have manifested this lack of control by letting their kids dictate their bedtime and their bed PLACE. In every episode, Jo has to TEACH the parents how to be parents, and set up strict rules about getting IN bed and about getting OUT of bed. SHE knows that it's ESSENTIAL for a child's well-being to know that bedtimes are not negotiable. And in every episode - though it may take an hour or it may take 5 hours, the kid eventually realizes the adult finally means business, and concedes. There was one poster here who had a different experience, but that is one out of millions. Your kids are no different - they just need you to be the adult.
> 
> Kids don't WANT to be in charge. They may think they do, but they are kids! They're thinking with a child's half-formed brain! Above all, kids want consistency, rules they KNOW will always be there (for security), and to be loved. You've got the latter down right - now take care of the former.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Be a parent; not a person that is afraid of their child.


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