# Crossing the chasm - how an LD wife created a sexually happy marriage



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I don't lie to my W, so I'm not going to lie to you. The title is a bit misleading as this was definitely a joint effort. But for now I am going to focus on the LD piece of the puzzle first because I have read a bunch of posts lately that basically say: An LD person cannot want more sex than they naturally "want" and pressuring them to give more is toxic and not sustainable. The basic premise is that you the HD spouse need to suck it up. 

I don't know if that is true in general it has not been true for us. 

This is what my LD wife did to have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with me her HD partner. 
LD: means lowER desire
HD: means highER desire 

1. Accepted her responsive desire as normal. I didn't know there was a name for it. Neither did she. She did however tell me that most of the time she did not start out feeling desire, however she relaxed and found herself getting aroused quickly. 
2. Agreed early on that a lack of exercise caused tension/anxiety that adversely impacted our marriage INCLUDING our sex life. Committed to exercising with me when asked, and often was the one asking me to exercise with her. 
3. Communicated at the very beginning, that being groped was a huge turnoff, insulting, demeaning and perhaps even hazardous to my health. 
4. Decided that if sex was going to be frequent, she was going to be painfully honest about turn ons/turn offs both in and out the bedroom. 
5. Explained that a lack of "O" was not my fault, and that interrogations as to why she didn't have one were not acceptable (this explanation happened after the first conversation of that type, which resulted in it being the last conversation of that type)
6. Explained that a lack of "O" did not mean the experience was not enjoyable. Proceeded to prove that by continuing to have sex as menopause came and reduced the "O" rate from high to low. 
7. Agreed after a few rounds of harsh conversation not to over schedule her/our life when the children were young. Because over scheduling was beginning to cause sex to get bumped off the agenda and that was not ok with me. 
8. Learned that saying "can we connect tomorrow" caused a lot less friction than saying "I am not in the mood". 
9. Realized all on her own that she didn't have to provide an excuse. She could just say "Can we connect tomorrow?" 
10. Absolutely understood that by day "X" without, when I said "tonight?" reciprocity for not being pressured daily meant saying "I am all over it" with a smile.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

These are some great examples of how to wade through some of the difficult issues & erect some healthy sexual boundaries ...... many can benefit from your list here ....as truly the majority of women are lower drive over men... :smthumbup:



> *Mem11363 said
> *: 1. Accepted her responsive desire as normal. I didn't know there was a name for it. Neither did she. She did however tell me that most of the time she did not start out feeling desire, however she relaxed and found herself getting aroused quickly.





> 3. Communicated at the very beginning, that being groped was a huge turnoff, insulting, demeaning and perhaps even hazardous to my health





> 5. Explained that a lack of "O" was not my fault, and that interrogations as to why she didn't have one were not acceptable (this explanation happened after the first conversation of that type, which resulted in it being the last conversation of that type)


Now I have a unique question...try to think a little out of the box....

Men & women talk alot about "*equality*" ...then we sway to "*Double standard*" talk many times - with women up in arms. I personally see men & Women very different - in many ways and I wouldn't want to change it. I like it ! 

This was said recently in another thread Here



> *Donny64 said*: Yet take that same woman, whose hormones are going crazy during pregnancy, a change of life, or what have you...and suddenly they have an incredible (if not fleeting) very high sex drive, where they can't get enought, and turn them down JUST ONCE in any manner that even remotely resembles the way they've turned us down COUNTLESS times, and the level of butt hurt they feel and display is off the charts.
> 
> I've witnessed this a few times. And the irony and hipocritical nature of it would be funny were it not so sad that some women (not all) cannot look outside of their own selves for just a few moments to realize this.


I agree with this !!

I am curious to how Others might feel IF this was turned around and the MAN was Lower Drive? I tend to believe women are meant to be the "*Objects of desire*" ....so this would take a huge emotional & relational toll on her -if she was to slip in the role of the man in this & walk as him in these examples ... 

As men are generally not the "responsive" partner -but nature has made him the aggressor .... Imagine not being able to Grope your man - this would not be working for me in any way, shape or form... :FIREdevil: .... and the Man not "getting his"..... The 1st time that happened to me, I felt this "sinking" feeling wash over me....didn't like it at all.... basically I need my husband to get an erection and get off... ....or I am disturbed. Is that an insecurity or what is it ?

He doesn't have to go all the time but -we kinda need him to get it *up*. 

I feel us women really NEED to feel our men's desire for us, or it would all fall apart. You men may be able to deal with this -but I don't think women could handle it. 

When one thinks about all of this, Men being the horny dogs makes alot of sense, since the sustaining of the human race falls on him getting those erections. 

I don't have any of these issues , thankfully, other than my husband does have a more "receptive" sex drive -in these later years & mine has upped in the aggressive, though this has died down. 

I have often wondered if I was the MAN in some of these senerios, I don't feel I could pull this off... but likely it is cause I am thinking with a woman's brain...and as the intended "objects of desire" that we are...meant to be pursued... we are not as strong as men-in what YOU can pull off here. 

Obviously, I think TOO much...but if anyone has any thoughts on this.... Love to hear.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SA,
I agree that we are different. I like that we are different. And one big difference is that sexual rejection is harder on a woman. I ALMOST rejected my W one night. Midnight on a Friday when I had been away for a week. My W does NOT have a bad temper. But I misread her interest level. I thought she was just being nice "offering" to connect. The second time she said it would be "nice if we connected" I began to repeat "I am kind of tired", she was facing mostly away from me (doing something with her hair) but thank God I was looking at her as I began to speak. Just as I go to the "kind of tired" I saw a look of fury begin to erupt on her face and I immediately added "lucky thing that this shower sure is waking me up in fact I am feeling wide awake right now and cannot WAIT to get you in bed". 

After a couple seconds she turned towards me and said "good". I could tell she was still angry. I shut up, finished my shower got in bed and without another word proved that I was wide awake. As for being wide awake - that part was true. But it wasn't the shower woke me up, it was fear. The kind of fear that kept my father, and his father and all their male ancestors alive for thousands of generations. 

Truly, I do not believe I have the right to say "no" to my W. I really don't. Because I am going to guess that she has said "yes" to me more than a thousand nights even though she wasn't feeling it initially. So it wouldn't be fair. And also I don't like making my W feel sad/rejected/angry because that isn't what a good H does. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> These are some great examples of how to wade through some of the difficult issues & erect some healthy sexual boundaries ...... many can benefit from your list here ....as truly the majority of women are lower drive over men... :smthumbup:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You have to have a responsive wife for that. I think you were pretty lucky that your wife responded to your suggestions. Most LD wives just don't. Communication is of the utmost importance and if you have a wife who doesn't know or doesn't want to communicate, then nothing will work. My wife is pretty bad at communicating, she also hates conflict, so that's lead to a few mistakes on my behalf, like pressurizing for sex. Needless to say we are in a big mess now. The gap is too big to overcome, but it's out of my hands at this stage.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *MEM11363 said*: SA,
> I agree that we are different. I like that we are different. And one big difference is that sexual rejection is harder on a woman.


Obviously I agree, not that THIS can be proven, but I just know how *I* feel. And it isn't pretty, it is emotionally DARK - for women to question their husband's *desire*. 

I can only recall my husband not being up for it -like 2 times in 20 yrs...when I might have really wanted it ... This includes tiredness & sickness... he might say "how about waking me up in a few hours" or we'll have a romp in the morning (so I don't count these times)...lots of happy anticipation there..... what is a few hours. 

One night -the reason....he was worried about our oldest son out on icy country roads driving home....I remember how that felt... I was devestated, like this flush of hurt washed over my body & soul .... and to think this IS what I did to him for years having a freaking Book in my darn hands!







After I realized where his head was at...worried about our son... I was feeling better...so talking did us good...then I still got him going after our son hit the door . Score! 

But overwhelmingly, women do NOT handle this as well as men ...we are just too sensitive (just make a mention of how pudgy we are getting & see what happens!)... and to start thinking "Damn how many men would kill for this!!".... I eventually would be saying "Screw this " if I felt he only desired me once a week or something.......it would destruct my marraige. I NEED to feel desired. That is my womanly perspective. 

Men at least have plenty of comradeship with other men in their woes with their wives -when they get together, letting off the steam . Where can women go with all that pent up hurt...when others are bi*ching & moaning that is all their men want. It is just too much to bare. 

I can live with getting him going -but not the other. Some may not like my comment when I say women are an "Object" of desire, but I think Men know what I mean.... they are supposed to be the pursuers....we the "receptive" partners yeilding our bodies... this is the intended set up the Creator seems to have designed..... a little variation may be OK (like in our marriage in mid life)... but too much is simply TOO MUCH. 



> Truly, I do not believe I have the right to say "no" to my W. I really don't. Because I am going to guess that she has said "yes" to me more than a thousand nights even though she wasn't feeling it initially. So it wouldn't be fair. And also I don't like making my W feel sad/rejected/angry because that isn't what a good H does.


 and in this, you sound like an excellent husband, love the attitude.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> I don't lie to my W, so I'm not going to lie to you. The title is a bit misleading as this was definitely a joint effort. But for now I am going to focus on the LD piece of the puzzle first because I have read a bunch of posts lately that basically say: An LD person cannot want more sex than they naturally "want" and pressuring them to give more is toxic and not sustainable. The basic premise is that you the HD spouse need to suck it up.
> 
> I don't know if that is true in general it has not been true for us.
> 
> ...


My husband and I have mismatched desires, and we've hit many of these same points, except for the exercise. We both feel satisfied with our sex lives.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Great story!

I think some people cringe at the word "compromise" when it comes to sexuality. Compromises can have negative or positive connotations depending how one looks at it.

I really like how you & your wife were able to communicate so honestly & openly.

It must feel wonderful.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

IA,
I am lucky there is no question about that. A big part of this is marrying the right person. 

It is also true that managing very different drives is tricky stuff no matter who you marry. If I thought our sex life was dead or dying I would gently but firmly insist that my W look me in the eye and answer one question: 

Do you expect me to be celibate the rest of my life simply because you have decided you don't "feel" like being sexually intimate with me anymore?

That's it. No raised voices, no hostility or aggression. A clear, concise and very simple approach to expectations. 





In Absentia said:


> You have to have a responsive wife for that. I think you were pretty lucky that your wife responded to your suggestions. Most LD wives just don't. Communication is of the utmost importance and if you have a wife who doesn't know or doesn't want to communicate, then nothing will work. My wife is pretty bad at communicating, she also hates conflict, so that's lead to a few mistakes on my behalf, like pressurizing for sex. Needless to say we are in a big mess now. The gap is too big to overcome, but it's out of my hands at this stage.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> You have to have a responsive wife for that. I think you were pretty lucky that your wife responded to your suggestions. Most LD wives just don't. Communication is of the utmost importance and if you have a wife who doesn't know or doesn't want to communicate, then nothing will work. My wife is pretty bad at communicating, she also hates conflict, so that's lead to a few mistakes on my behalf, like pressurizing for sex. Needless to say we are in a big mess now. The gap is too big to overcome, but it's out of my hands at this stage.


Yours sounds like a similar situation as I have. My wife has always been a more quiet, keep to herself person and communication is not always accomplished, especially when there is a conflict. She avoids the absence of steady sex conversation and tries to turn it into an argument. An, I, too, pressure her for sex. But it's either that or never have it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> Yours sounds like a similar situation as I have. My wife has always been a more quiet, keep to herself person and communication is not always accomplished, especially when there is a conflict. She avoids the absence of steady sex conversation and tries to turn it into an argument. An, I, too, pressure her for sex. But it's either that or never have it.


My wife doesn't try to turn it an argument, she just gives me the silent treatment...  Much worse!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LOL

SA,
One big enabling factor in a sexless marriage is a willingness to accept a massive disconnect between what your partner says and what they do. 

I think your tolerance for that is close to zero. Mine is also. 

Seems to me that you are wearing way more responsibility than is fair for the sex-lite period of your marriage. Your H truly sounds like an awesome man. It is also true that he owns his share of responsibility for not being more transparent with you about how much tension this was causing him. 

I understand that he didn't want to pressure you. And even more than that, he loved you so much that he put what he "believed" to be your needs ahead of his. This is the natural order of things when a marriage works the way it was originally intended. 

Take a guy with a high pain threshold who is super in love with his wife and you sometimes get some outcomes like this. 

Still, all that said you should not own more than half of this. 

The funny thing about that comradeship thing - and men - is that I don't get it. I am not competing with any other men in terms of who has the best sexual relationship with their wives. And I am sure as hell not commiserating with them about how their wives have managed to push them to the bottom of the priority stack. 




SimplyAmorous said:


> Obviously I agree, not that THIS can be proven, but I just know how *I* feel. And it isn't pretty, it is emotionally DARK - for women to question their husband's *desire*.
> 
> I can only recall my husband not being up for it -like 2 times in 20 yrs...when I might have really wanted it ... This includes tiredness & sickness... he might say "how about waking me up in a few hours" or we'll have a romp in the morning (so I don't count these times)...lots of happy anticipation there..... what is a few hours.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

IA,
One of the biggest single factors in the dynamic equilibrium of a marriage is the ability to tolerate cold. 

So if W wants to be a bltch and then go semi-dark, I simply adjust my schedule and accept that until she decides otherwise we are in "limited communication" mode. Think of it as a "180-lite". 

If I couldn't deal with the 180-lite then I would always end up apologizing even in the cases where she was clearly the aggressor. If that had become our pattern she would have shut down our sex life fairly quickly and eventually shut down the whole marriage. 



In Absentia said:


> My wife doesn't try to turn it an argument, she just gives me the silent treatment...  Much worse!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

KB, 
And that is why the sexual health of a marriage is so highly correlated with the overall health of the marriage. Because this is very much a 'we' thing. Sounds like you two are very well matched.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Emerald, 
The compromise is a big deal.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> IA,
> One of the biggest single factors in the dynamic equilibrium of a marriage is the ability to tolerate cold.
> 
> So if W wants to be a bltch and then go semi-dark, I simply adjust my schedule and accept that until she decides otherwise we are in "limited communication" mode. Think of it as a "180-lite".
> ...


yep, that's what's happened to me. Always the first one to re-approach. Backfired big time!


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> My wife doesn't try to turn it an argument, she just gives me the silent treatment...  Much worse!


I get that, too, after the initial argument. And she knows it makes me boil even more.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

40,
My guess is that there is a ton of non-verbal communication going on. And maybe your W prefers that style of comm. 

It took me a long time to learn how to fight in a constructive, healthy way with my W. 

And I have to say that it sure as hell does not follow the: "when you do, I feel" model. There is often (not always, but often, a double standard in this area) 

Women get to talk like that. When a MAN talks like that, a certain type of woman views him as not so much a man. 



40isthenew20 said:


> Yours sounds like a similar situation as I have. My wife has always been a more quiet, keep to herself person and communication is not always accomplished, especially when there is a conflict. She avoids the absence of steady sex conversation and tries to turn it into an argument. An, I, too, pressure her for sex. But it's either that or never have it.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

I have a bad and explosive temper and getting into an argument with her, and then getting the silent treatment, is maddening. She knows that and does it to screw with me. I have to give her credit for pushing the right buttons to make a point. 

The result is usually ill confront her and then we'll talk/argue it out a little more until we square it away. Not the best way, but it usually turns out that we make up in the end.


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