# Does talking to them ever help?



## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

My IC says our interactions should be over phone and planned vs texting any ol' time and only about banal, "good" things during the day so my WH doesn't hash over his emotions and use me as a second counselor. I tried that once this week. It felt... empty? Like, I don't think I got anything good out of it beyond knowing he was't whoring it up or anything, but he seemed to appreciate telling me about his week and what he did. He even seemed interested in things about me and nervous as well. I think he's lonely, amongst other things, but it only threw the rest of my day off and made me regret talking. Like "here I go again being the only one he can go to for this." I wasn't upset that he got some benefit out of it but wondered why I didn't if it's what I thought I wanted all along. 

If AP is his "one," and I am not, why does he still need to talk to me? I hate wanting to talk to him then regret that I did in the first place. I guess I'm just rambling.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You keep starting new threads and it's hard to recall what exactly your situation is. Humour me and provide a brief rundown?


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Are you trying to work things out still?

If not, why do you have to interact with him at all?

Why are _you_ still talking to _him_? If he's got the OW to whine to, tell him to go whine to her.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> You keep starting new threads and it's hard to recall what exactly your situation is. Humour me and provide a brief rundown?


Sorry, I didn't know I should keep it all to one thread. I tried to keep the more general info out of the private section, my threads split by topic and not necro something I wrote a few weeks back. 

No kids, late 30s for both of us. Together 10, married 3. WH had online EA then decided they were the one so we should separate/ divorce. He was texting/emailing me at will which was very disruptive. IC suggested that if we interact it be through phone or in person and time boxed for less impact to me. Even this didn't seem to help. So I wanted a general response on whether it ever actually helps the bs to talk to their ws if they're going to separate/ divorce.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Spoons027 said:


> Are you trying to work things out still?
> 
> If not, why do you have to interact with him at all?
> 
> Why are _you_ still talking to _him_? If he's got the OW to whine to, tell him to go whine to her.


Not really? He doesn't want to and I shouldn't want to after what's happened. 

Just following what my IC suggested.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So...he's never *met* this person in the flesh, yet decided she's "the one" and threw away his marriage for his internet Skype crush?

How pitiful IS this guy?

I think my question would be, why are you talking to this fool at ALL? What's the point?

He's disrespected you as much as he possibly can, so why would you disrespect *yourself *and bother with him at all? 

It sounds like you misunderstood your therapist, thinking that you're SUPPOSED to be having planned chats with him. You're not. And if that *IS* your IC's suggestion to have planned talks with him, then he/she is yet just another quack who joins the many *other* quacks out there.

Shut this **** show down. It's not benefiting you at ALL.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

growing_weary said:


> My IC says our interactions should be over phone and planned vs texting any ol' time and only about banal, "good" things during the day so my WH doesn't hash over his emotions and use me as a second counselor. I tried that once this week. It felt... empty? Like, I don't think I got anything good out of it beyond knowing he was't whoring it up or anything, but he seemed to appreciate telling me about his week and what he did. He even seemed interested in things about me and nervous as well. I think he's lonely, amongst other things, but it only threw the rest of my day off and made me regret talking. Like "here I go again being the only one he can go to for this." I wasn't upset that he got some benefit out of it but wondered why I didn't if it's what I thought I wanted all along.
> 
> If AP is his "one," and I am not, why does he still need to talk to me? I hate wanting to talk to him then regret that I did in the first place. I guess I'm just rambling.


I think I now see why so many people recommend the 180 programme of no contact at all.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

growing_weary said:


> *No kids, late 30s for both of us. Together 10, married 3. WH had online EA then decided they were the one so we should separate/ divorce.*
> 
> He was texting/emailing me at will which was very disruptive. IC suggested that if we interact it be through phone or in person and time boxed for less impact to me. Even this didn't seem to help. So I wanted a general response on whether it ever actually helps the bs to talk to their ws if they're going to separate/ divorce.


Has he actually filed for D? I bet not. 

No kids... be thankful.

He is staying in contact for one reason... You are his backup plan, Plan B. When his dream romance falls flat, it will, he will beg for mercy and "one more chance" to make it right. 

Classic cheater cake eating.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Yeah, no. That's not how this works. That's not how _any_ of this works. 

He left you for his imaginary friend. That means you don't owe him these little chats - or much of anything else. Why are you playing "friends" with someone who obviously has zero respect or real love for you? Cut off contact. If you absolutely must communicate with him, in order to finalize some legal or logistical issue relating to your impending divorce, do it through email or your attorney. Otherwise, just delete his messages, let his calls go to voicemail and don't return his calls. 

He opted out of a life with you. Stop letting him keep you around as a fallback emotional prop.

I'm very hopeful that you've misunderstood what your therapist was saying to you. If you did not, then you need a new therapist.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Take the bull by the horns, and file yourself! Sounds like you've been his "Plan B" all along!

Make an appointment with a good, "piranha" family attorney, explore all of your legal options/rights, and try to place this sordid chapter of your life far behind you!

You deserve so much better than the cheating liar that you now have!*


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So...he's never *met* this person in the flesh, yet decided she's "the one" and threw away his marriage for his internet Skype crush?
> 
> How pitiful IS this guy?
> 
> ...


Maybe. It's the alternative to him contacting me out of the blue or dumping all his feelings on me via email/text so it's _supposed_ to be the better option. Basically the gist is: IF we decide to interact (which I agreed to to test it out) it should be over the phone instead of text and not about his feelings and guilt but about lighter things. I see my IC soon so I'll clarify. I agree that it doesn't seem to benefit me and basically the rest of the day was a wash beyond what I had to do at work/home normally. Anything more than that was beyond me and I needed a nap afterwards (I'm not a napper). 



RWB said:


> Has he actually filed for D? I bet not.
> 
> No kids... be thankful.
> 
> ...


Meh. I totally get it, though. Thanks. 



Rowan said:


> Yeah, no. That's not how this works. That's not how _any_ of this works.
> 
> He left you for his imaginary friend. That means you don't owe him these little chats - or much of anything else. Why are you playing "friends" with someone who obviously has zero respect or real love for you? Cut off contact. If you absolutely must communicate with him, in order to finalize some legal or logistical issue relating to your impending divorce, do it through email or your attorney. Otherwise, just delete his messages, let his calls go to voicemail and don't return his calls.
> 
> ...


I probably don't need to contact him much beyond logistics now and it was my plan but my IC said I should try this out so I "pushed" once to see how I liked it. I didn't. 



arbitrator said:


> *Take the bull by the horns, and file yourself! Sounds like you've been his "Plan B" all along!
> 
> Make an appointment with a good, "piranha" family attorney, explore all of your legal options/rights, and try to place this sordid chapter of your life far behind you!
> 
> You deserve so much better than the cheating liar that you now have!*


We're probably going to no contest. Nothing substantial shared, make about the same, and I want to be free I just gotta get my heart to catch up with my head on that. I've already been in contact with a lawyer who's a shark, but


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your IC sounds like a nutbar.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

growing_weary said:


> Sorry, I didn't know I should keep it all to one thread. I tried to keep the more general info out of the private section, my threads split by topic and not necro something I wrote a few weeks back.
> 
> No kids, late 30s for both of us. Together 10, married 3. WH had online EA then decided they were the one so we should separate/ divorce. He was texting/emailing me at will which was very disruptive. IC suggested that if we interact it be through phone or in person and time boxed for less impact to me. Even this didn't seem to help. So I wanted a general response on whether it ever actually helps the bs to talk to their ws if they're going to separate/ divorce.


Personally I think it is a terrible idea. If you WH wants to move on then he should move on and let you move on in peace. Essentially what your WH is doing you is terribly cruel and your IC is saying meh. Talking to him is only going to make it harder on you. If I were you I would fire your IC and get someone who knows what they are doing. Your IC is incompetent.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your IC is wrong. This doesn't benefit you in any way. So stop.


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