# Advice Please!!!



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Backstory: H moved out several weeks ago, citing "unhappiness" and "disconnect" from me. He wasn't really wrong about the state of our marriage but I was not really on board with his plan to leave. I told him I thought he should stay, he did for a while and said he just needed space to clear his head. Suspected EA/PA but nothing confirmed- he still denies anything to this day, but that means nothing to me. A few more issues came to light after he left, including the fact that for YEARS he's been having fairly inappropriate cyber relationships with women....obviously a symptom of some very large problem with him, so part of me is glad he's gone. We have two very young kids.

OK so my question.
When he left he took a backpack worth of clothes. We're talking like 6 articles of clothing and his toiletries. We didn't part ways angry, and saw each other the following day so he could visit the kids and we were fine....I do have moments of rage and confusion, but I am doing IC so I am working through a lot of my emotions.

So. He took next to nothing with him. Left clothes in closet/bureau like he was just going to walk back into this life. I don't like that. So I boxed up all his belongings and am planning to give them to him next time he is here to visit. No bitterness or hostility, I just want him to know that he can't keep multiple homes and if he's leaving then he needs to commit to going. I plan to say this very nicely.

However I have gotten a bit of criticism from people who say that this is a pretty bold statement and could be easily taken the wrong way. On the one hand, do I really care? But I DON'T want to have hurt feelings, since we have parted amicably and our kids are so little (one isn't even a year yet) that I don't want there to be massive drama....also his family is very torn up about this, mad at him and upset and really want us to work things out, so I have to say part of me is keeping an open mind about where this will eventually lead. I don't want to massively upset him....I don't think.

So tell me- is this move right or wrong? I am trying to follow the 180 because otherwise I would just live in a storm cloud about this and as a mom, that isn't really the best option. I also want him to know that despite him calling all the shots I can live a great life without him. Perhaps that will make him want to return, some days I feel I would be OK with that, other days I'm ready to divorce him and just move on. So that aspect of it really doesn't factor too much.
I just am a kind person at heart and he probably doesn't deserve it, but I don't really want to hurt his feelings....I know how silly that sounds.


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I should have added that he is living with his parents, so when I say keeping multiple homes I didn't mean paying for multiple homes.


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

im a guy and my gut tells me he is exploring plan a (another woman) while keeping plan b you hooked. me personally i would file for D.


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> im a guy and my gut tells me he is exploring plan a (another woman) while keeping plan b you hooked. me personally i would file for D.


That's what I thought too, which is why I felt like I should pack up his things and make him take them....even people who know I suspect another woman are telling me this is a bold move. I don't get why.
He has been asked by multiple people about whether or not he is seeing anybody and his answer is always the same (no). His family is pretty certain that this means he is not, but I remain always skeptical. He has made a few jokes about my "boyfriends" since the separation- and there are none, it's been two weeks, I'm DEFINITELY not dating anybody. So I made a joke about his girlfriends and he said "only one " to which I replied "for real????" and then he said (several times) that he was just joking.

OK. Writing that makes him sound like a complete and utter a$$hole and so I don't feel bad about packing up his things.


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Fairly inappropriate cyber relations sure sounds a lot like an EA?

As to what you plan to say, depends on that prior point and what he actually said when he moved out, does he mena it to be temporary or is he saying he is done?

If the latter you absolutely should make him face that reality, if he says he wants to be done, make him act actually do it. No reason you should pretend to be OK with storing his things if he is walking out on you.


----------



## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Are you sure he would even want them?

If I was to split with my wife, I wouldn't want a single trace of that relationship with me moving forward. That includes clothing...I would replace it asap.


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

K.C. said:


> Fairly inappropriate cyber relations sure sounds a lot like an EA?
> 
> As to what you plan to say, depends on that prior point and what he actually said when he moved out, does he mena it to be temporary or is he saying he is done?
> 
> If the latter you absolutely should make him face that reality, if he says he wants to be done, make him act actually do it. No reason you should pretend to be OK with storing his things if he is walking out on you.


Oh the cyber relations were definitely EA. But they've been going on for ages, I don't think any of them were the catalyst for him leaving....I am suspicious of an EA/PA with a real person as the motivation to go. No real hints of anything, other than he started a new job (so he's meeting new people) and that he's been confiding in a female friend at work about our issues. To me that is a HUGE red flag. Nobody else seems to think so.

He says this is only temporary. He tells everyone it's a "temporary break" but I don't get what that means. When he left I asked if I should expect him to return and he said yes. His family takes everything he says as truth (and I mean, they are his family so why not) so they are pretty certain that if he says it's temporary then it is....I'm not so sure. I am kind of living with the assumption that it's not, until proven otherwise. So I want to act as such.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Is this the "old" Mrs. G?

She was one of my faves from the old days.

I think she got a lifetime ban.


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

a temporary break mean i want to go have sex and not worry about you catching me. rent a storage unit move his stuff into it and give him the key ans say here is your break.


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

T&T said:


> Are you sure he would even want them?
> 
> If I was to split with my wife, I wouldn't want a single trace of that relationship with me moving forward. That includes clothing...I would replace it asap.


I wondered, but when he left he said he didn't want anything to change in our financial situation at the moment (I'm currently on maternity leave) and his first priority is that our boys have everything they need. So we are still sharing a joint bank account. I check it daily to see what he's been buying and honestly, I've seen nothing. He doesn't have a credit card (terrible credit, he couldn't get one even if he tried) so it would have to be interac or cash and he isn't making significant purchases or any withdrawls. He wears a uniform to work so he doesn't need a whole wardrobe of clothes....but he literally took about 2% of his wardrobe. He left with about 2 pairs of underwear and didn't even take his winter coat. And he isn't/hasn't replaced those things so what the hell? It's like he was preparing for an overnight getaway.


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Is this the "old" Mrs. G?
> 
> She was one of my faves from the old days.
> 
> I think she got a lifetime ban.



hahaha no, I'm new. I've only been on this board for about a month, so I don't know anything about that. Sounds like a good story though


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> a temporary break mean i want to go have sex and not worry about you catching me. rent a storage unit move his stuff into it and give him the key ans say here is your break.


THANKS I think so too! Why people out in my real world don't agree, I have no idea.
Does he expect to come back? Is this just a sexual thing? I literally don't know anybody who has done this so I have no idea what all of this means....I have been doing some snooping and have come up with nothing that indicates a current affair, so I kind of wondered if maybe there was just someone he had an eye on and wanted to see what could possibly happen with her....either way, gross.


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Regardless of 'real ea/pa", if he cannot accept what he was doing online was wrong there is no hope. He complains of being disconnected when he was putting his emotions into an online ea and wants to argue he did nothing wrong? He is in cloud cuckoo land.

Do you have evidence of the online stuff?


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

K.C. said:


> Regardless of 'real ea/pa", if he cannot accept what he was doing online was wrong there is no hope. He complains of being disconnected when he was putting his emotions into an online ea and wants to argue he did nothing wrong? He is in cloud cuckoo land.
> 
> Do you have evidence of the online stuff?


I do, and I've been backing it up on a separate computer as well.
I was waffling about whether or not to confront him about it (I mean, he is already gone after all) and my counselor said if I'm happy to just have him be away then maybe I don't need to....but who knows. I kind of thought that if he tried to come back would be when I'd say "Listen, I know what you were doing online and we can't reconcile until we get some help for this."

He has expressed interest in IC...no MC so far.


----------



## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

MrsG84 said:


> I do, and I've been backing it up on a separate computer as well.
> I was waffling about whether or not to confront him about it (I mean, he is already gone after all) and my counselor said if I'm happy to just have him be away then maybe I don't need to....but who knows. I kind of thought that if he tried to come back would be when I'd say "Listen, I know what you were doing online and we can't reconcile until we get some help for this."
> 
> He has expressed interest in IC...no MC so far.


He will likely find himself a therapist that "confirms its all your fault".

My stbxw did not say a thing about not being in love or walk away until she had posOM.

She went to IC painted our entire marriage black, with me being the villain for its demise.

Her therapist said her affair was "to be expected" and that she walked out with good reason.

Go dark and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

spun said:


> He will likely find himself a therapist that "confirms its all your fault".
> 
> My stbxw did not say a thing about not being in love or walk away until she had posOM.
> 
> ...



Good Lord, I hope that would not happen. I'm sorry, that must have been freaking miserable for you-how awful!!

I do sadly think H would paint me as the villain. He has been nice so far in saying that we are equally to blame....but I know if pushed he would fault me completely. I actually don't think he sees what he does wrong. He works way too much and he seems to put the blame on that when I feel that's only a small part of the issue.


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Ooooookkkk...
So. Today while I was at work and kids were with their grandma, H texted me and asked where we were because he was at our (my) house. Since I've been doing the 180 I don't report my whereabouts to him....so he asked if we were home and I said simply no. He asked if I was out with the kids and I simply said no again. He said he had stopped by to say hello.
Unfortunately, I stupidly have let H keep his key. I was going to get it back earlier, but we haven't seen him in nearly 2 weeks so I haven't had a chance. Very stupid on my part but I was trying to give him easy access to his kids.

Either way, he saw his stuff all boxed up and got really upset. He said "do you really want me to take all my things?" To which I responded "......you moved out?" And he said "it was a temporary thing, but OK." To which I then responded "but you have never told me how long you were going to be gone for, or if you were even actually going to come back..."

Anyways there was more discussion and he is obviously unhappy. He left his key in the mailbox. I had been warned by people on here that this action may make him upset....but I don't know how to act now. I will be seeing him face-to-face tomorrow and I'm guessing he is going to be in a snit.

Is this standard for husbands who have left, especially under sketchy circumstances? Is he still trying to keep me as backup plan, or how do you know if they are genuinely upset/mad that you are kind of closing the door on reconciliation....or does that even happen????


----------

