# am I being paranoid?



## jaffacake (Dec 5, 2013)

Hi
I would really appreciate some insights and opinions regarding to the situation in my marriage.
I have been with husband for 10 years, married 5. About 4 years ago, he started staying up very late, sometime even whole night. I thought he was watching TV or playing computer games, but it turned out, he was chatting to a woman living at the other side of the world. I found the saved conversations (he didn’t realize they were saved on default setting), and they were very intimate. They would spend hours chatting, and my husband expressed his love to her. I confronted to him, but he insisted that she was just a very good friend, and the “flirty” conversations were just some harmless fun. He then got annoyed that I read the conversations, as they were supposed to be private. I told him I was uncomfortable for his friendship with this unknown woman, and he thought I was paranoid. The “friendship” carried on for another 6 months and somehow it just died down. 
Time passes, last years, the story repeated again, and this time, they have exchanged photos, talked on skype, and some sex-texting . I feel they are having an affair, but I know my husband would say I am being paranoid again, since they have never met face to face, and everything is all on virtual reality.
So are they having an affair? Or I am just an unreasonable crazy *****? I would really like to have some suggestions before confronting / discussing with husband.
Thanks for listening


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You need to be tough and not take his crap or excuses. He is at the least having an EA and it has to end. He knows you are not willing to end the marriage since you let it slide last time. He needs to believe you are done with him and are willing to divorce

You need to expose the A to his family and friends and if you can to the OW's, family friends, husband if possible.

Tell him to get out and file for a D. You do not have to go through with it but he has to know you are willing to end the marriage if the A is not ended.


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Here's a term you need to familiarize yourself with: Emotional Affair.

Educate yourself before confronting and don't let your husband get away with blaming you for invading his privacy or for being paranoid.

Actually, you're not paranoid enough. You have no idea at this point how damaging this stuff is to marriages.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I heard a psychologist speak on social media, particuarly Twitter and he mentioned facebook, and how this sort of thing has led to breakups in marriages and affairs. His suggestion is to talk as early as possible in the relationship about what is acceptable and what is not.

Your husband has clearly crossed the line and he seems to feel entitled. He is using the privacy card. Saying you have no right to be checking or looking at his conversations.

He can demand all the privacy he wants and you can tell him, "you want privacy? Then you do so without me in this marriage!". His argument is flawed and is just a cover for cheating.

You already know that he won't stop. Another thing I would say, "You already know I don't like what you are doing and I will not allow you to call me paranoid. I will not allow myself to be in a marriage where I am not shown respect."


----------



## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

jaffacake said:


> *So are they having an affair?*


Yes they are.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

No you are not being paranoid. Your husband is cheating on you.

This book explains it very well

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

This link has a lot of good info also

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

Your husband knows perfectly well that he's cheating, too, never doubt that he does.


----------



## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

As a previous poster said give him his privacy,as a single man.the only reason this has not gone physical is because the OW is on the other side of the world.If she was on the other side of town you would be facing a whole different problem.Him accusing you of being paranoid is just him shifting the blame from his crappy behavior.Don't believe him.You caught him twice at it,so what you have to do is serve him D papers.Then let him get paranoid about losing you.Best of luck.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

IMO virtual cheating is cheating. He lies, and betrays your marriage on line, rather than in a bar, which makes him a lazy cheater.


----------



## jaffacake (Dec 5, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your replies.
I have checked online for what “emotional affair” is and I am pretty sure my husband IS and WAS having emotional affairs.
To Thorburn:
You right spot on! He met these women through facebook, and how naïve I was, thinking him signing up on facebook would help him keep contacts with his friends. Well, he did and he also made “new” friends.
I am really glad to know that I am not being paranoid or unreasonable. Last time when I asked him not to keep contact with the woman, he thought I restrained whom he could be friends with, and that was crossing his boundary. 
To Cubby: 
I know deep in my heart how much his special friendships have damaged our marriage. Every time he started staying up, chatting to them, the less time he could spend on us. It created distance between us and resentment inside me. 
To 101Abn:
Yes, I believe if she lives in the same country; they will meet up one day. 
To Hope1964:
Thank you for the links. I am going to read them tonight. I don’t know if my husband knows he is cheating or not, he doesn’t appear so as he always insisted “nothing happened”. But his behaviours have made me feel unloved certainly damaged our marriage. 
After reading everyone’s advises, I will try to collect some evidences and talk to him again. If he still insists on nothing wrong doing, then that only leaves one route to go. How sad…..


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

jaffacake, 

When a person marries, somewhere in the vow is a promise to forsake all others. That means that you owe your spouse 100% of your affection and loyalty, and your spouse owes you 100% of his affection and loyalty. He is giving his affection to this 'virtual' person by flirting, being flattering, and being sexual--and he is giving his loyalty by giving them his energy and time and by choosing them over you when you tell him you are not comfortable with this "friendship."

So this is an affair, pure and simple. Is he giving you 100% of his affection and loyalty? NO. Then it is unfaithfulness. 

Now cheaters are good at being "outraged" that you would *invade their privacy* or at saying *you are trying to be "controlling" *by saying who he can and can not talk to....but what they are really doing is deflecting the truth and trying to put the focus on you rather than on what they are doing! So don't fall for it!!

*When a cheater says you are being "controlling" here is the real truth:* you can't make him stop. He is a grown man and he is absolutely able to choose whom he will and will not be with. BUT in order to be with you, he has to honor his marriage vow and be a man of his promise and give you 100% of his affection and loyalty. Not 50% ... not 25% but 100%!!! He is free and clear to choose to be a man of his word and be with you...or to choose to keep breaking his vow and be with her. But the real live truth is that every choice in life has a BENEFIT and a COST. The benefit of choosing you is that he can be with his family, continue the life the two of you have built, and be a man of his word; the cost of being with you is that he can not be with other women. The benefit of choosing the OW is that he gets a thrill and feels flattered; the cost of being with the OW is that he loses his family, the life he built with you, and he loses his character due to no longer being a man of his word. So you aren't controlling him--he can choose! But what he can NOT do is to choose her and have no cost!!! That's what he is trying to avoid.

*When a cheater says you "invaded their privacy" here is the real truth:* what they are talking about is not privacy--it's secrecy. There's a difference:
PRIVACY = modesty. Envision closing the door to go to the bathroom. You are still sharing the True You and your Real Self with your spouse--you're still an open book--but for decorum reasons you want a little room to yourself. Again, envision closing your bedroom door when you get dressed so the kids don't see you. 
SECRECY = hiding things. You are hiding the True You and your Real Self from your spouse You don't want them to know who you're with, what you say (or write), what you're doing, or where you are. You are lying and covering up so that your spouse can not "see" you. 

In a healthy marriage, both partners need to be transparent, and by that I mean "see through" so that their spouse can see the True You warts and all. Marriage means being intimate with another person, and intimacy is not just sex, but also letting someone else in, letting them see your flaws and warts, and feeling safe that someone else KNOWS you and loves you in spite of yourself! 

So jaffacake, do not let his reasons and arguments fool you. They are the attempts of a cheater to blame YOU for what HE is doing. You now know the truth and can see what is real and what is not. He is committing adultery. He can choose to end it 100% right now and never have contact again, or he can choose to lose his family--those are the only two options.


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

This is so sad, I know this story from personal experience of internet shinanegans.

Sorry you landed on this little island but it is full of helpful people to give advice.

EAs IMHO can be a lot worse than it is realized in that the WS is investing in their new relationship and depriving their existing relationship, once this happens and an emotional connection is borne it can almost shut out the newly betrayed spouse and then it's doomed, the thing you need bear in mind here is the escalation from FB chatting to the next being skype and pictures etc,

This is the downward spiral, the next step if left unattended will be a full blown PA with a new person, the emotional boundaries have already been crossed and you are no longer significant in his eyes.

question is, do you want out or want him back?


----------

