# Being honest about watching porn...



## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Should I just openly admit to my wife that I like watching porn or keep it to myself? Should I strive to watch porn with her?


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

cavenger said:


> Should I just openly admit to my wife that I like watching porn or keep it to myself? Should I strive to watch porn with her?


Well, you should definitely be honest with your spouse and not keep secrets, so ya, tell her you like to watch porn.

To be honest, since you're married you should have already told her that during the dating period. She likely already knows.

It's up to you and your wife whether or not you watch porn together. You need to have a conversation about it and lay your cards down.

Stop keeping secrets from you wife.


----------



## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

I guess I understand your point about secrets.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why do you enjoy watching porn? How's your sex life with your wife? 

C


----------



## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Long time porn watcher/reader since before videos were even available. Used to love Penthouse secrets.

We are going through a but of a dry spell.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I never believed the Penthouse letters until I had an adventure worthy of inclusion.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Does your porn watching affect your sex life? Have you never discussed your porn habits with her? What's causing the dry spell? 

C


----------



## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Dry spell mostly due to animosity related to other things. It did not used to affect it but right now I actually think it might help boost it.


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

cavenger said:


> I guess I understand your point about secrets.


Seriously, why have you kept this a secret? Are you ashamed of it, or do you think she'd be upset by it?

FWIW, growing up, I was raised to believe sex before marriage was sinful, porn was horrible, masturbation was wrong, etc...religious mom. My parents would find my porno mags and give me hell for it, remove the locks from my door and barge in when I was masturbating, yell at me to shame me, etc. Then I started finding my parents porn collection, which showed me what hypocrites they were. They basically wanted to enforce what I did with my own body, and tried to push a "do as I say, not as I do" framework onto me.

When I was married, my wife became very LD and neglected my needs, so I would turn to porn. I would hide it because it would always end up the same way; her telling me I'm a pervert (the porn was very vanilla stuff) and me telling her that if she wasn't interested, I still had needs that I would be "handling" myself. She basically wanted to decide when and how my sperm left my body.

This was a continuous struggle throughout my life, people I trusted most trying to shame me and control what I do with my body. 

After my divorce I decided I would never put up with that crap again, so I never hid porn from any other woman. The girl I'm with now enjoys watching porn with me, and we often put it on when we're in bed. 

I hated having to hide things in my life. I was never a bad person and certainly didn't deserve to be chastised for having porn by people who have porn themselves, or were denying their partner a normal sex life.

I would recommend you be perfectly honest with your spouse, in all areas of your life. It is very refreshing to expose yourself to the person you love, and you can gauge their reaction at the same time. This is something you should do early in the relationship, otherwise, your partner is peeling an onion over the years, slowly revealing the person you really are. 

Don't leave an illusion, come clean to your wife and encourage her to be open with you. You should be more comfortable with your spouse than any other person, and they should feel the same way about you.

As long as you aren't denying her sex and beating-off to porn, she can't fault you for "rubbing one out" if she's not putting-out in bed.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

How long have you been married? How openly can you and your wife talk about sex?

I personally think you should be open about it, but understand some women can be neurotic about their husbands watching porn. Provided it doesn't prevent or interfere with your intimacy with your wife IMO porn is harmless and can be good for a marriage. Openness is the key.

However, if your wife is repressed, neurotic, or uptight...your guess is as good as mine. It might be a worthy battle ground the claim the normalcy of the erotic.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

cavenger said:


> Should I just openly admit to my wife that I like watching porn or keep it to myself? Should I strive to watch porn with her?


Totally depends on your own situation, no one can give you the right answer here. 

In my world porn viewing is no big deal but it would be if it had been kept secret and then exposed years later. I don't have an issue with him watching porn and we sometimes watch it together. I actually prefer books about sex, like "how to" type books, which we read together and then try things out. 
If you want to watch porn with your wife but you think it might not be received well then a book might be less confronting for her.


----------



## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: Being honest about watching porn...*



Holland said:


> Totally depends on your own situation, no one can give you the right answer here.
> 
> In my world porn viewing is no big deal but it would be if it had been kept secret and then exposed years later. I don't have an issue with him watching porn and we sometimes watch it together. I actually prefer books about sex, like "how to" type books, which we read together and then try things out.
> If you want to watch porn with your wife but you think it might not be received well then a book might be less confronting for her.


Thanks Holland... All good points.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

So why, if you haven't told her before, are you thinking of telling her now? When you are going through a dry spell?


----------



## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

Depends on the porn and reasons for watching it, is it new ideas to keep things fresh or your own secret fetishes or is it because it's a surrogate for the real thing? if looking to spice it up there is plenty of erotic fiction out there you can both view together, but i would be honest about it rather than it being discovered and starting an argument


----------



## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> So why, if you haven't told her before, are you thinking of telling her now? When you are going through a dry spell?


I am wondering this also... It seems like you are avoiding dealing with the animosity and bringing up a diversion of a topic.

I think if you were to deal with the animosity and work on your communication with your wife you might get to a point where you would feel more confidant in talking to your wife about watching porn.

For my self, I found that porn was a distraction. Not only was I wasting time and energy on it I was also distracted within my relationships. I feel more focused on the relationship, and a better lover, when I am not distracted by porn.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I was wondering if you were going to use it as a "See what you've driven me to since you won't have sex with me..." kind of thing. And if that's your motivation, not a good idea.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

badsanta said:


> My wife tells me that as soon as she finds out that someone like Brad Pit or Chris Pine start doing porn, that she will try watching with me. Until then she will just stick to watching them in what ever rated "R" movies they appear in.
> 
> I had a girlfriend in college that liked porn. It was an eyeopening experience because I felt a little threatened by the stuff she liked to watch. I would be like so "that" is what you want to try?! And she liked to invite over her male friends that were also attracted to me. So be careful with the porn...


Oh come on. About 30% of the porn audience is women now. I watch porn. And observing how I am with porn has made me more comfortable with my partner watching it and watching it with him. Because when I felt threatened by porn it was because I thought my guy would lose interest in me because the women in porn are better looking / younger / like things I don't like. I'm sure that happens occasionally. But I don't feel that way when i watch porn. I don't think "My guy's penis is way smaller than his," and stop having sex with him. It just gets me horny which makes me want to have more sex with my guy. And i think that's the experience men have, for the most part. If women really understood that porn isn't a threat to them in any way, they would not only be okay with the guy watching it, they might watch more of it themselves and be willing to watch with their partner.


----------



## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: Being honest about watching porn...*



firebelly1 said:


> Oh come on. About 30% of the porn audience is women now. I watch porn. And observing how I am with porn has made me more comfortable with my partner watching it and watching it with him. Because when I felt threatened by porn it was because I thought my guy would lose interest in me because the women in porn are better looking / younger / like things I don't like. I'm sure that happens occasionally. But I don't feel that way when i watch porn. I don't think "My guy's penis is way smaller than his," and stop having sex with him. It just gets me horny which makes me want to have more sex with my guy. And i think that's the experience men have, for the most part. If women really understood that porn isn't a threat to them in any way, they would not only be okay with the guy watching it, they might watch more of it themselves and be willing to watch with their partner.


Thank you... You have given me some great advice.


----------



## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

this is a tough one. It is conceivable that you wife may never "get" the porn thing. She may see it as cheating, that you are a "pervert" or that "what..she is not enough". 

Is she is unaware of how your needs are being met...that you have endured long dry spells without some sort of relief. It sounds like you are older..my experience is that many of the more "porn freindly women" are of NOT from the generation that shamed people. 

I believe honesty is important but, you should be prepared for "its the porn or me type ultimatim"


----------



## Vanille (Dec 13, 2014)

How long have you been married? If you've been married for a long period of time it might feel like it was a secret or something. Also, if the recent marriage issue was your fault (I wish I had a better way of wording that), then I would advise not to tell her right now as it will only push her further away. 

A good time to bring up porn watching is when things are going well or at least normal, and then suggest watching it together. From there you can tell her how you have been watching it and hear how she feels about that.

Do you have any inclination that she watches porn too? 
I've watched it with my husband a few times and on my own a few times as well. I'm usually left disappointed because it's all obviously made for men and seems everyone is obsessed with sucking ****.


----------

