# Wife never ceases to amaze me



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

To start off with i am one of those guys that has emotion attached to physical intamacy. Yes it does suck at times when it goes a few days between intimate moments.

I feel like my wife and i are adrift at sea and after a couple of days of no physical intimacy i feel emotionally like we are drifting apart. At times she gets busy doing something of watching a tv series and making love is not on her radar. It makes me feel like we are drifting apart and she does not see or care. As i said it sux to be this way.

Physical intimacy means soo much more to me that i will not use the term sex when talking about what my spouse and i do.

It was 5 days for what ever reason and i was trying to shut down the way i was feeling. I did not realize she was feeling ignored. I did not want to put my feelings on her plate, also did not want to voice my issue and seem like a winer.
We had a discussion about it. 

She said when she asks what is wrong to just tell her, dont say nothing and just try to deal with it. She said ahe would rather know i am feeling distant and deal with the issue instead of her guessing what it is.

She is a very straight foreward gal and i love that about her. I would be happy with ever other day. She wore me out 3x that afternoon, next morning at 6am, was wanting to clear my desk off at work at 2pm but i had 2 employees on prowl who may come by the office so no. That night at home again. She says better watch what you wish for.😋 

She is like another person, like she has been given approval for a mission.....I cant hardly get out of bed. I need to start taking my joint meds again! 
Happy man indeed and feeling loved.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Tell your W she is amazing. It is nice for us to know but better if she hears it from you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

A happy ending!

Treat it as a new beginning and full speed ahead!!


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## scotian89 (Nov 19, 2020)

wonderful. communication really is the most important part of any marriage, which can lead to physical intimacy. 

Congratulations on your "happy ending" (haha)!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

In my opinion this is a double edged sword. Some wives struggle with self confidence issues at some point and will ask, "why does my husband require sex to be my friend? Shouldn't emotional closeness just come natural and sex happen as a result?" ...and then she may begin to feel used for sex and that you are just "pretending" to be her friend and be emotionally close ONLY as long as you get the sex you want. She may withdraw and everything you do afterwards to repair the relationship will be viewed as various forms of manipulation just to regain access to more frequent sex. 

In my opinion if that ever happens it is because she is struggling with her self confidence and the solution will be to help her nurture and improve her self image. Exercising together and learning new healthier recipes for cooking together are the types of things that will help. So much so, I would recommend starting now preemptively to stay healthy and go the extra mile to show her how happy she makes you. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

badsanta said:


> In my opinion this is a double edged sword. Some wives struggle with self confidence issues at some point and will ask, "why does my husband require sex to be my friend?


I read that part and my first though was, my answer to such a question is "because I want to use you for sex."

And I've said that plenty of times and have always said "yes" whenever any woman has asked me if I only want her for sex.



> Shouldn't emotional closeness just come natural and sex happen as a result?" ...and then she may begin to feel used for sex and that you are just "pretending" to be her friend and be emotionally close ONLY as long as you get the sex you want.


I hope my wife feels used, because I bang her silly in all sorts of ways to satiate my own sexual desires.

I mean seriously if I wasn't sharing sex with my wife for the pleasure I got out of it, I wouldn't want to have sex with her. Likewise if my wife didn't get pleasure out of using me, she wouldn't want to have sex with me either.

Oh and on being friends ONLY if one gets the sex they want. That ought to be the gold standard. Since there's no way I would stay friends with someone pretending to be my sexual partner, sans enjoying a rich sex life with them.



> She may withdraw and everything you do afterwards to repair the relationship will be viewed as various forms of manipulation just to regain access to more frequent sex.


Well if one is honest and owns their sexual desire without apology, there's would be no need for manipulation in any instance.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

badsanta said:


> In my opinion this is a double edged sword. Some wives struggle with self confidence issues at some point and will ask, "why does my husband require sex to be my friend? Shouldn't emotional closeness just come natural and sex happen as a result?" ...and then she may begin to feel used for sex and that you are just "pretending" to be her friend and be emotionally close ONLY as long as you get the sex you want. She may withdraw and everything you do afterwards to repair the relationship will be viewed as various forms of manipulation just to regain access to more frequent sex.
> 
> Cheers,
> Badsanta


I can't speak for all women, but I think for many of us it is important to know and feel that "he loves me and sex is one of the ways he expresses that" rather than "he loves sex, and I just happen to be the warm body he has available". The first is wonderful. The second is depersonalizing and a turn-off. I had a BF in the past who definitely acted as if he just loved the sex, and I was the handy warm body who agreed to give that to him. That's one of the reasons he's an ex. Current BF makes it clear that he loves ME, and sex is a way to express that, and consequently there is good and frequent sex.

It's a fine line, but it can be an important one.

Big congrats to the OP for the happy story!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Chaotic said:


> I can't speak for all women, but I think for many of us it is important to know and feel that "he loves me and sex is one of the ways he expresses that" rather than "he loves sex, and I just happen to be the warm body he has available". The first is wonderful. The second is depersonalizing and a turn-off.
> 
> *It's a fine line, but it can be an important one.*
> 
> Big congrats to the OP for the happy story!


As the OP said:



Divinely Favored said:


> I feel like my wife and i are adrift at sea and after a couple of days of no physical intimacy i feel emotionally like we are drifting apart.


*So with no sex the OP feels emotionally distant.* As a man I totally empathize with that especially in situations where the desire for intimacy is there to help restore a sense of emotional closeness. However it is awkward to have desire while there is an underlying lack of emotional closeness.

Just want to point that out to the OP and it can be a very fine line in how it is interpreted over time.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Chaotic said:


> I can't speak for all women, but I think for many of us it is important to know and feel that "he loves me and sex is one of the ways he expresses that" rather than "he loves sex, and I just happen to be the warm body he has available". The first is wonderful. The second is depersonalizing and a turn-off. I had a BF in the past who definitely acted as if he just loved the sex, and I was the handy warm body who agreed to give that to him. That's one of the reasons he's an ex. Current BF makes it clear that he loves ME, and sex is a way to express that, and consequently there is good and frequent sex.
> 
> It's a fine line, but it can be an important one.
> 
> Big congrats to the OP for the happy story!


There are five women on this forum who have just declared that a man can not feel more loved because he gets more sexual favors. This is simply because they:
a) don't understand jack about men.
b) think that their understanding of sex (convenient warm body) is the only possible understanding.
it is very easy for any woman to distinguish which side of this "fine" line their man is on. If he is having sex with 3 or 4 convenient women on a regular basis, it's just about sex and no emotion is involved.
If he goes 5-45 days between sexual encounters and still sticks with one woman, you can be pretty darn sure he loves her. You can also be pretty darn sure that she doesn't like having sex with him. it's a destructive test.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

Uhhh....
I feel like I just got quoted in an argument I didn't know I was part of.

I was just presenting an opinion, not making any sweeping declarations about men. I also don't believe that "convenient warm body" is the only possible understanding of sex, and it certainly isn't MY only understanding of sex. I think it is one of the ways in which people may understand sex. It's not a good understanding nor is it the only one.

I'm not into arguing with strangers online though, so I'm out. BF gets back from deer hunting tonight and I need to save my energy.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm glad it is working out with you and your wife, but I see a lot wrong with this picture. If you love someone, she shouldn't always be the one bending to your will on this. And I think you are insecure and need therapy and ought to be able to recognize love and acceptance other ways besides being hinged on your wife staying on your sex schedule. Sex is sometimes an expression of love. That doesn't mean that a momentary lapse in sex means you aren't loved, FFS, and if you think so, then you ought to sort that out in therapy. That way you could relax and respect your wife's needs just a tad more.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Chaotic, I just wanted to point out that it is actually very simple to determine which side of that line your man is on. a great deal of hearache is spawned between the ears of a woman who makes something very simple into something complicated.
Down By the river, in retaliation I also reject your love language whatever it may be. FFS


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Chaotic said:


> Uhhh....
> I feel like I just got quoted in an argument I didn't know I was part of.




Inevitably on TAM when someone posts a success story.... 30 days later they find themselves in an unexpected hell of something gone wrong. 

After so many instances of this in my marriage I am one that prepares for the worst and hopes for the best. The OP should as well. It is kinda a way of life in any relationship with struggles here and there.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Relationships go up and they go down. Enjoy this up


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm glad it is working out with you and your wife, but I see a lot wrong with this picture. If you love someone, she shouldn't always be the one bending to your will on this. And I think you are insecure and need therapy and ought to be able to recognize love and acceptance other ways besides being hinged on your wife staying on your sex schedule. Sex is sometimes an expression of love. That doesn't mean that a momentary lapse in sex means you aren't loved, FFS, and if you think so, then you ought to sort that out in therapy. That way you could relax and respect your wife's needs just a tad more.


Never said i did not feel loved. I feel emotionally distant after several days.
She does not bend to my will. If you love someone you will strive to do things that make them happy. She said she wants to make love at other times but she is scared i will get bored with her if it is really often. I told her never and she has been more forward and seems like it has given her the OK that she can be more aggressive with me. I like it!

Just as i enjoy doing things for her to make her feel loved. I have coffee ready and wake her up in the morning with caresses from shoulder to calves. Put her robe on her and go make her a cup of coffee and arrange the cushions on couch for her so she just has to come into LR and sit down. 

Same way when i get home from work she brings me a glass of tea and may pull my boots off for me.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> If you love someone you will strive to do things that make them happy.


While that is great, happiness generally comes from within. On days you or your wife are not happy would you blame each other for that? Hopefully not, however it is an easy thing to do when you are in a relationship that strives to make each other happy and that has failed to happen.

A much better approach is to strive to keep yourself happy and then share that happiness with your spouse. This way when someone is not happy you can try to help each other find it from within again. In the meantime there is no frustration and less emotional distance when there happens to be a lack of things making you happy. You may even find yourselves closer during moments of struggle and becoming an even stronger team.

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> Never said i did not feel loved. I feel emotionally distant after several days.
> She does not bend to my will. If you love someone you will strive to do things that make them happy. She said she wants to make love at other times but she is scared i will get bored with her if it is really often. I told her never and she has been more forward and seems like it has given her the OK that she can be more aggressive with me. I like it!
> 
> Just as i enjoy doing things for her to make her feel loved. I have coffee ready and wake her up in the morning with caresses from shoulder to calves. Put her robe on her and go make her a cup of coffee and arrange the cushions on couch for her so she just has to come into LR and sit down.
> ...


Hell, I'd marry you!

Just kidding. 🙂🙂🙂


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

badsanta said:


> While that is great, happiness generally comes from within. On days you or your wife are not happy would you blame each other for that? Hopefully not, however it is an easy thing to do when you are in a relationship that strives to make each other happy and that has failed to happen.
> 
> A much better approach is to strive to keep yourself happy and then share that happiness with your spouse. This way when someone is not happy you can try to help each other find it from within again. In the meantime there is no frustration and less emotional distance when there happens to be a lack of things making you happy. You may even find yourselves closer during moments of struggle and becoming an even stronger team.
> 
> ...


We do things for each other because we derive hapiness also from doing things for each other. I do not do them so she will do likewise in return. 

We know very few couples who have a marriage as close as ours. It makes us sad that more people do not experience the connection my wife and i share. 

We are at a point that one of us will respond to something or another conversation and will say almost word for word what the other was just about to say. I will look at her and just shake my head with a smile. She will say "It's scarry ain't it!" I will say "No. It's proof we are one" We will both do this with each other frequently. Speak exactly what the other is thinking before they can say it.

It was a ride in the beginning, she was going through a divorce to serial cheating hubby of 10 yrs she married at 16. I have many scars from the things he did. Several times had to tell her I am not your damned exhusband!

She left home to get away from abusive father who had raped her at 10. She told me at our 2nd date. She said she had never told anyone before.she is also very much like a man in her thinking process. Fiercely loyal and straight foreward thinker. She hates working with women in office as she is there to get the job done and go home, not sit and gossip about crap. She always says "Say what you mean and mean what you say" we are also each others BFFs. I could talk all day about how awesome i think she is.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> *Never said i did not feel loved. I feel emotionally distant after several days.*
> She does not bend to my will. If you love someone you will strive to do things that make them happy. She said she wants to make love at other times but she is scared i will get bored with her if it is really often. I told her never and she has been more forward and seems like it has given her the OK that she can be more aggressive with me. I like it!
> 
> Just as i enjoy doing things for her to make her feel loved. I have coffee ready and wake her up in the morning with caresses from shoulder to calves. Put her robe on her and go make her a cup of coffee and arrange the cushions on couch for her so she just has to come into LR and sit down.
> ...


Oh, well that's tragic. Put your big boy pants on for God's sake.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Oh, well that's tragic. Put your big boy pants on for God's sake.


Got them on. She doesnt like it when i stop being so attentive to her. Maybe i should tell her to put her big girl panties on and suck it up buttercup. 

She asks what is the matter and why i seem stand offish so i tell her, she changes her behavior same as i do when she has issue with something i am doing that causes her to be upset or hurts her feelings. Its called marriage. You give and take unless you really dont love your spouse and its all about you, you ,you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It sure does sound like it's all about you, you, you. It sounds to me like you're just being passive-aggressive to manipulate her when you don't get sex on the hour and then passing yourself off as this overly sensitive guy who falls apart emotionally and it's all her fault. That is not a good luck.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It sure does sound like it's all about you, you, you. It sounds to me like you're just being passive-aggressive to manipulate her when you don't get sex on the hour and then passing yourself off as this overly sensitive guy who falls apart emotionally and it's all her fault. That is not a good luck.


My drive is not even that high. Im good with every couple of days. If i was one to not pick up my clothes or help with household i guess i could say she gets overly sensitive and falls apart emotionally if she went on a rant about it. 
Im sorry someone hurt you to make you like this. It seems likecyou just really hate men with the things you post. You just seem like it all has to be what the woman's wants and damn everything else. You remind me alot of my mom and aunt in your attitude about life.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> My drive is not even that high. Im good with every couple of days. If i was one to not pick up my clothes or help with household i guess i could say she gets overly sensitive and falls apart emotionally if she went on a rant about it.
> Im sorry someone hurt you to make you like this. It seems likecyou just really hate men with the things you post. You just seem like it all has to be what the woman's wants and damn everything else. You remind me alot of my mom and aunt in your attitude about life.


Damn

At this point I'd stop doing these chores just to see what she'd do!

If she wanted to just argue, I'd go fishing, and leave her to argue on her own.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

badsanta said:


> Inevitably on TAM when someone posts a success story.... 30 days later they find themselves in an unexpected hell of something gone wrong.
> 
> After so many instances of this in my marriage I am one that prepares for the worst and hopes for the best. The OP should as well. It is kinda a way of life in any relationship with struggles here and there.


Yea man, I’m with ^ this guy. You jinxed yourself with this thread. Nobody cares about success stories here. They want the down low dirty birdy to make themselves feel better. Misery loves company and all that. It’s a cruel, cruel world.

I’m happy for you though, honest! 😇


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> My drive is not even that high. Im good with every couple of days. If i was one to not pick up my clothes or help with household i guess i could say she gets overly sensitive and falls apart emotionally if she went on a rant about it.
> Im sorry someone hurt you to make you like this. It seems likecyou just really hate men with the things you post. You just seem like it all has to be what the woman's wants and damn everything else. You remind me alot of my mom and aunt in your attitude about life.


Ah, so you have mommy problems. Never would have known by the way you whine about not enough sex and pout like a toddler when you don't get it every time you're ready. 

There's nothing overly sensitive if she gets mad at you for not picking up your own clothes. She's not your mother. 

You don't know anything about me, so feel sorry for yourself some more instead.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Ah, so you have mommy problems. Never would have known by the way you whine about not enough sex and pout like a toddler when you don't get it every time you're ready.
> 
> There's nothing overly sensitive if she gets mad at you for not picking up your own clothes. She's not your mother.
> 
> You don't know anything about me, so feel sorry for yourself some more instead.


Both Mom and Aunt.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Both Mom and Aunt.


Err, err.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Ah, so you have mommy problems. Never would have known by the way you whine about not enough sex and pout like a toddler when you don't get it every time you're ready.
> 
> There's nothing overly sensitive if she gets mad at you for not picking up your own clothes. She's not your mother.
> 
> You don't know anything about me, so feel sorry for yourself some more instead.


Yep sure do. 

My dad and all of my uncles had wife problems. Dont know how they could have stayed married to them. Narcissistic jezebel overbearing the lot of them. My sister and i both used to wish dad would have divorced mom so he could find a good woman that treated him right.

All the women in that family were messed up by their mother. Fact is i do not believe they are all full blood sisters. That was how grandma rolled. Dad died last year so now he is free of my mom. Now she has regrets for way she treated him all those years. Well you should have thought about that sooner. 

My wife and i are good. This thread was about if you have a problem with your spouse to speak up and communicate. But of course as always all ills in a relationship are the mans fault or issue. Got it. 😆


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

A lot left to read here, but want to chime in this bit that @badsanta said:

*She may withdraw and everything you do afterwards to repair the relationship will be viewed as various forms of manipulation just to regain access to more frequent sex.*

“You only want to use me for sex” is something that can easily happen in a relationship that has challenges related to sex and sexual frequency. So can a whole bunch of other negative things. Looking back at the times it’s happened to me, it seems like it was an innocent rationalization at best, and an aggressive and dishonest tactic at worst.

If I had to do it over again, I’d take a @Personal’s approach, maybe with a slight modification. “It’s not only sex I want from you, but sex and some other things — like we agreed to way back when. What’s the problem with that?”

@Divinely Favored, sounds like you have a very loving and thoughtful wife.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

PieceOfSky said:


> A lot left to read here, but want to chime in this bit that @badsanta said:
> 
> *She may withdraw and everything you do afterwards to repair the relationship will be viewed as various forms of manipulation just to regain access to more frequent sex.*
> 
> ...


Very much so. She has never withdrawn. In time past she has gotten so busy and in her head that sex was not on her mind. Since i had a talk with her it was like i gave her permission to be more foreward. Went out deer hunting this evening and sat with her, she about mauled me. Needless to say we did not see any deer, only looking half the time.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Ah, so you have mommy problems. Never would have known by the way you whine about not enough sex and pout like a toddler when you don't get it every time you're ready.
> 
> There's nothing overly sensitive if she gets mad at you for not picking up your own clothes. She's not your mother.
> 
> You don't know anything about me, so feel sorry for yourself some more instead.


I really do not understand where you are coming from here. Your posts are usually much more nuances and on point.
He has a great marriage and is very much aware of it and happy. I do not whining here at all, just a little sharing.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

PieceOfSky said:


> A lot left to read here, but want to chime in this bit that @badsanta said:
> 
> If I had to do it over again, I’d take a @Personal’s approach, maybe with a slight modification. “It’s not only sex I want from you, but sex and some other things — like we agreed to way back when. What’s the problem with that?”


It won’t happen with her, but now you know what you want from your future partner. You can make it happen


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> I really do not understand where you are coming from here. Your posts are usually much more nuances and on point.
> He has a great marriage and is very much aware of it and happy. I do not whining here at all, just a little sharing.


Thank you!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Chaotic said:


> I can't speak for all women, but I think for many of us it is important to know and feel that "he loves me and sex is one of the ways he expresses that" rather than "he loves sex, and I just happen to be the warm body he has available". The first is wonderful. The second is depersonalizing and a turn-off. I had a BF in the past who definitely acted as if he just loved the sex, and I was the handy warm body who agreed to give that to him. That's one of the reasons he's an ex. Current BF makes it clear that he loves ME, and sex is a way to express that, and consequently there is good and frequent sex.
> 
> *It's a fine line, but it can be an important one.*
> 
> Big congrats to the OP for the happy story!


It's not a "fine line."


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> ......Maybe i should tell her to put her big girl panties on and suck it up buttercup.
> 
> She asks what is the matter and why i seem stand offish so i tell her, she changes her behavior same as i do when she has issue with something i am doing that causes her to be upset or hurts her feelings. Its called marriage. You give and take unless you really dont love your spouse and its all about you, you ,you.


I prefer when a big girl takes her panties off as opposed to putting them on. It usually leads to much more fun.

Seriously, marriage is about negotiations and compromise and a commitment to making things work. However, there is a place for "unconditional love" in marriage at least some of the time. It is nice to feel your partner do things for you that are not based on any expectation for a reciprical action. That makes me feel really loved and desired.


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