# I'm missing having a partner. Any advice?



## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

I am headed to divorce and have been separated for a while. I am finally feeling like myself. Some things are still confusing to me, but I know what I want now. I have finally adjusted well enough to not question myself. I am good. 

My main concern is, the last time I felt like this I developed a crush on a woman that was a friend that ultimately ended a childhood friendship with a dude I have known forever(I think it was a wild misunderstanding, but he refuses to talk). I don't want to make any women nervous, nor do I want to confuse myself when a lady is friendly. I have a hard time telling if someone is interested ( I always assume they are not, but the one or few times I was confident in myself and my perceptions, I was wrong). Is there a way to avoid all of this craziness?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Honestly?

Learn about dating. Learn about signals ... indicators of interest, body language.

Do your homework when it comes to what makes attraction and relationships tick. Trust me ... it will pay off.

It enables you to have a much better sense for choosing a partner, and by default makes you a better one.

So the short answer is, the only way to avoid the craziness, is to learn how to avoid the craziness.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Honestly?
> 
> Learn about dating. Learn about signals ... indicators of interest, body language.
> 
> ...


I figured as much, haha. Thanks.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Make sure you choose someone you would still love if she were in a coma, and then faced a year of rehab. <3

Other than that, I agree with others, learn to detect and neutralize craziness. There is a lot out there.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're heading for divorce but you're worried about dating? You might want to get the corpse in the ground before you start worrying about dating. You're used to having someone around and it feels strange to be alone. Newly released prison inmates feel a little strange at first, too. Divorce is major trauma and you need some time to get to know yourself and to get comfortable living in your own skin. You have the rest of your life to be fitted with new handcuffs.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Well as you know now you have to watch out for those crushes most especially when the woman is spoken for. I’ve a good mate and there’s something between his wife and I, that natural attraction thing, such that I rarely call round their place, leaving them to come to mine. And when they do I am fully aware of watching my body language such that my mate is not upset.

So number one, stay away from women who are with other men.

I’m two years out of a very long marriage. It’s the first time in my life I’ve ever been alone and after the first 12 months or so of calming my emotions I’m thoroughly enjoying my aloneness. But I do miss affection. And from that perspective I have to be very careful in that the people where I live are naturally very friendly. Instead of the yard or so of personal space I’m used to, here they came right the way up such that they are touching. This includes women in business such as banking and when shopping in supermarkets and the like! Some of the women are immensely attractive, Ms World types and it’d be easy for me to think they want to be with me and make a complete and utter fool of myself by trying to take things further. So you need to understand the cultural things in which you live such that you don’t embarrass anyone including yourself.

As Deejo says you need to know the courtship signals that women give out. And believe me they do. I read somewhere that a woman will give out signals to a man they like the look of and if he hasn’t responded by the 5th signal she’ll give up.

Most men think it’s men who initiate courtship. I don’t think it is in that I think it’s women who indicate someway or another that they are open for an approach. They’re the signals you need to learn and how to respond to them.

Pease International - Body Language | Relationship Advice are recognised experts in the field of body language, they have excellent books. I’d recommend getting some books from female authors as well.


Bare in mind that 80% of what we communicate is in our body language and behaviour over time. It’s good to learn what women talk about with their body language and it’s a skill you can apply in every walk of life.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Adopt a dog. They don't nag or complain. They don't hog the remote. They won't sleep with your best friend or run up your credit cards. They don't blab your intimate secrets or call the police on you. Also, I've never seen a woman catch a frisbee in her mouth.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> You're heading for divorce but you're worried about dating? You might want to get the corpse in the ground before you start worrying about dating. You're used to having someone around and it feels strange to be alone. Newly released prison inmates feel a little strange at first, too. Divorce is major trauma and you need some time to get to know yourself and to get comfortable living in your own skin. You have the rest of your life to be fitted with new handcuffs.


I agree, but I usually ask several steps ahead. I can't help it.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Well as you know now you have to watch out for those crushes most especially when the woman is spoken for. I’ve a good mate and there’s something between his wife and I, that natural attraction thing, such that I rarely call round their place, leaving them to come to mine. And when they do I am fully aware of watching my body language such that my mate is not upset.
> 
> So number one, stay away from women who are with other men.
> 
> ...


She wasn't spoken for, but I completely see where you are coming from. I liked her, then he started talking to her "to look out for me". All sorts of confusion happened, it was my fault as much as her's and his, but it seems to be my role to take the blame. I am quite familiar with body language due to my educational background, but I am personally oblivious, I feel dumb for it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You may want to read Awareness (Anthony de Mello) he helps you see and understand yourself in ways you may not even know exists.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Most men think it’s men who initiate courtship. I don’t think it is in that I think it’s women who indicate someway or another that they are open for an approach. They’re the signals you need to learn and how to respond to them.


LOL. I told my boyfriend, "Pick Me!" 
He didn't have much of a problem with that. 
Scr*w body language, I like English. 
It's a good thing he did.
Less than two weeks after we sealed our deal (that had been in the works for nearly a year...interrupted by my now-ex wanting another chance, that he got, fair and square...he had a major health crisis, the night after we had 'the talk'. During 'the talk' or after it I also told him that even if he became disabled in any way, I would still be with him. I have been commuting an hour each way every day to visit with him in the hospital. 
Body language is great but knowing exactly where you stand is even better. I am glad there was nothing murky in our relationship. Otherwise when he went into a coma I would have been scratching my head as to what was what. As we had a clear plan I feel confident in what I am doing and it has made a world of difference in his recovery. 
My advice, if you are attracted to someone and it's not just sexual attraction but real attraction, if the person is spending social time with you, go ahead and communicate. There are entire cultures where nobody has to beat around the bush to choose their mate. I mean, to a certain point it's fun...but there is a time to stake your claim and advocate for what you want. Then hopefully it's mutual. But why would you want to waste your time chasing someone who doesn't intend or want to be caught? Saying 'Pick Me' was a clear signal, but we still had a bit of a chase, and it was fun. He was pretty obvious too, one social date and a hand on the thigh at the dinner table was enough, and saying some other guy was creepy when we both knew the guy was just really nice.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

AFEH said:


> You may want to read Awareness (Anthony de Mello) he helps you see and understand yourself in ways you may not even know exists.


That's how I knew I'd fallen for this guy. I caught myself acting a certain way, and pointed a finger at the behavior. I tried to be in denial about it but it was too obvious. It's really funny when you observe what you are doing objectively, you can really understand yourself and your feelings a lot better. It's amazing how transparent people can be to others and be blind to their own behavior.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> That's how I knew I'd fallen for this guy. I caught myself acting a certain way, and pointed a finger at the behavior. I tried to be in denial about it but it was too obvious. It's really funny when you observe what you are doing objectively, you can really understand yourself and your feelings a lot better. It's amazing how transparent people can be to others and be blind to their own behavior.


Or even blind to other people’s behaviour as well as our own!

We’ve all got our own “world order” (the way things should be, rather than the way things are) in our mind and often we’ll see things that are just in our head and miss the things that are really there.

The author Terry Pratchett reckons most people don’t/can’t live more than an inch out of their own head. Sometimes these people don’t even know how to get out of their own mind and see things as they really are, Anthony de Mello really helps with that.

Emotions have a lot to do with it sometimes. In that we can be consumed and preoccupied by our emotions and therefore blind to what’s actually going on around us. 

It really helps if even for a little while a person can get themselves out of first person mode and into third person mode, such that they can observe the world around them free of their emotions and bonding to other people, free of their own world order, idealisations and thoughts of “how things should be”.


Some are so self-centred and ego centric and so exceedingly judgemental that they just can’t get away from themselves such that they can even begin to understand themselves let alone other people.


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