# Unenthusiastic about marriage



## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

Hi all,

Did your fiance's get involved and seem a little bit enthusiastic about organising your wedding with you and about marrying you?

My fiance says all the right things but NEVER brings up the topic of the wedding himself. I just get the feeling he doesn't really want to get married but I will never know this, as he says he wants to marry me and it's just an off feeling I get that he's not really into it. We have been engaged for 7mths now and have been fighting so haven't set a date.

Would like to hear your thoughts.
Thanks


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

We had 2 months to plan our wedding. 

He was involved, but I did all the work, as I had the time off to do it (summer).

He was excited though...

Maybe your fiance just thinks it's a woman thing to plan a wedding?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I agree with tg its a womans thing
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Maybe you shouldn't set a date yet?... Maybe just be engaged for a while?

Some men think it is "supposed" to be a woman thing & won't get involved unless they have to or have a strong opinion about it. (rare).
j


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Loveimage said:


> he says he wants to marry me and it's just an off feeling I get that he's not really into it.


Most guys just aren't into picking coordinating colors for the flowers and the candles at the reception, or the type of flowers you have on the altar, or coordinating invitations. Probably lots more stuff. The first dance? Well, guys often like to decide what song should be played for the first dance. Other than that, wedding planning isn't their thing.

If you are getting a "feeling," check it out with him. Be upfront and honest. His only interest may be some music selections and what type of booze you'll serve your guests. You won't know unless you ask, so start communicating your concerns.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Totally. Start learning how to really communicate before marriage! It wpn't get any easier!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Loveimage said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Did your fiance's get involved and seem a little bit enthusiastic about organising your wedding with you and about marrying you?
> 
> ...


My husband was very happy to finally be getting married, after many yrs of dating , this I had assurance. 

But If I thought he was going to be a part of the "planning".... that would have been like pulling teeth, he left it solely to my descretion every step of the way , other than getting fitted for his tux..... This really didn't bother me at all though. 

I would question if he was not enthusiatic about getting married, but not at all about the planning -just not a man's thing. Are you both paying for your wedding on your own ? Could be concerns there.

When he gave you an engagement ring, any talk of when ?


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## HopeFloats59 (Feb 27, 2012)

My Fi and I have been engaged since August 2011, getting married in a month. If I remember correctly, we were considering different venues from the day we got engaged, and we pretty much set a date when we decided on a place and got a confirmation from them. He was the one that brought up marriage, and he's been very excited about it.

As far as wedding planning, I've been doing most of the detail work since he's not as great with organizing, but I know he's very enthusiastic when there are decisions to be made. He gives input about what he likes and how he likes my ideas, and he's also always asking me what he can help with. He's been really great. I've told him I have concerns and worries (we have been through our fair share of things) but he is more sure about everything than I am. I asked him to go to premarital education and occasional counseling for after we're married to keep our communication open and our relationship happy and healthy, and he thinks it's a great idea. 

I mentioned this bc I think it might be worthwhile to look into premarital counseling or education sessions with your fiance. Even if there are no huge issues in the relationship, I've heard from many others that premarital education is very helpful, especially with building good communication skills with each other. Also, if you suggest the premarital education to your fiance and he's really not into it, it might give you a bit of insight as to whether he really wants to marry you or not. Hope you get things cleared up soon, good luck ^^


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

I think the OP mentions two quite different issues...organizing the wedding, and getting married. 

Him being indifferent towards organizing the wedding should not necessarily be confused with him not wanting to marry you. The first issue can be clarified by a simple conversation along the lines of, do you want to be involved more, are there any decisions you would like to make yourself etc.

The second point is the much bigger and more important question. I knew a guy who rolled along with his gf and FMIL making wedding plans....which he didnt really want to go through with but didn't know how to stop it once the snowball starting rolling and took on a life of its own.

So even before talking about the wedding plans...I would suggest you and he have a serious talk about if he really wants to be married...to you. He may just be getting cold feet, or really may be having second thoughts.

This could be where pre-MC with a therapist or pastor/priest could help you discover what the situation is.

My husband only really cared about what he was wearing, and what music would be played at the reception! All the rest he pretty much left to me, although i ran most things by him first. But...i was sure he actually wanted to marry me. Well on that day at least!

Good luck.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

My .02 is that you do NOT get married until you get some kind of premarital counseling. 

My prediction is that if you do get married you will be here within 2 years talking about how bad your husband is and/or talking about his having some kind of affair. 

Hence my recommendation of counseling. His lack of enthusiasm is definitely a signal. But he doesn't want to lose you so there's hope. But the proverbial sh!t will hit the fan eventually.


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## itgetsbetter (Mar 1, 2012)

My husband is a man's man. He doesn't care about planning a wedding. That had nothing to do with wanting to BE married to me...he just didn't get excited about the bells and frills of a wedding day.

That said, he never displayed reluctance when I needed him. When we had meetings with the minister, he was there and mentally present. He helped decorate where my short little self couldnt reach and his tall, long self could lol He went dutifully to get fitted for the tux.

Basically, he didn't avoid the wedding either.

And my big, strong man who NEVER cries? He bawled his eyes out in front of the whole church as he said his vows to me 

Don't get too offended if a guy isn't into planning a wedding. Worry more if he avoids the topic heartily or doesn't seem enthusiastic about the marriage itself.

Best wishes!


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> My .02 is that you do NOT get married until you get some kind of premarital counseling.
> 
> My prediction is that if you do get married you will be here within 2 years talking about how bad your husband is and/or talking about his having some kind of affair.
> 
> Hence my recommendation of counseling. His lack of enthusiasm is definitely a signal. But he doesn't want to lose you so there's hope. But the proverbial sh!t will hit the fan eventually.


I am one of those men that did not lift a finger for our wedding. Basically "what ever you want dear to make you happy. Sure so and so can sing during the service that's fine." I was more concerned about the honeymoon though and took care of that.

I agree about the premarital counseling though. It can save yourself from years of unneeded misery. Just make sure you know what you expect from each other. My wife was not 100% truthful with me and thought she could change "little things" about me. Those "little things" was the source of a constant battle after the honeymoon phase was over.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband did at least 50% of the planning and organizing, if not more.

He was so enthused, it was great! He still puts in 100% or more into our marriage 12 years later. I couldn't be any happier.


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## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

I have no problem planning the wedding because he will have an input but it will be me having to initiate the discussion. This gets tiring! I just get the feeling he isn't overly enthusiastic or excited about marrying me. It's difficult because he says he is excited about marrying me but do I follow the old advice of 'action speaks louder than words?' Maybe I could describe it as indifference when I talk about marriage. He says a few things and then changes the topic. He only improved his responses when we fought about his seeming disinterest. 3 weeks after we got engaged in 2011 he told me it's not a race! Don't you become engaged to get married?!

He isn't a big planner of anything so it's hard to know if he acts indifferent because he doesn't like planning or he just isn't excited about marrying me! He doesn't want to spend the money but neither do I so we are having a simple beach wedding. I'm sick of him blocking every solution I come up with to pay for it. He seems to have negative comments (he thinks he's being practical) but no solutions of how we can get around it. All he says is "we will work it out". Yeah, I'll have to work it out!

Thanks


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think most guys think in practical terms and an elaborate wedding ceremony is a bunch of overpriced, overrated, silly, nonsense designed to appeal to women and gay males. It's more important that he's interested in how he's going to "be" married. Any idiot can "get" married. The ceremony and reception represent just a few hours. The marriage is presumably a lifetime.


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## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

Thanks for your helpful responses. 

We had one counselling session and the counselor agreed that my partner needs to be more involved in the relationship, which he has been trying. Apparantly we show love in different ways. Although, as with everything in the past, including him proposing, if I don't initiate discussion or take action then he mostly just does his own thing. He is still considerate but just seems to come up with difficulties when talking about a wedding. Without sounding like a drama queen, I feel like I'm being unfairly treated when he says we can book it for November this year and then say how expensive it is and beat down any idea I have to pay for it. I feel like he is all over the place, as in "let's book it but then no I don't want to pay for it". His Mum is even giving us a bit of money and I'm definitely not a princess expecting all the ridiculous things. I am very practical about the day. 

Did your fiance actually at least initiate talking about the wedding?

I just think something is holding him back but he doesn't want to lose me.

Thanks


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