# Getting Rejected ALOT



## BNames (Dec 19, 2017)

I've been married to my wife for about 7 years. Been going through a rough patch for the last 6 months. I do not suspect any infidelity, but wife seems to be somewhat checked out and I constantly need to prod her to do anything (housework, playing with her daughter, help daughter with homework, cook, etc…). I feel like I do more than my fair share from an emotional, physical, and financial perspective. We both work full-time.

Sex has been sporadic at best. We’ve gone through periods where we do it 1x a month and then there will be other times where we do it 1-2x a week. Wife has never had a huge sex drive. My concern is that I’m getting rejected more now than ever before. There’s always an excuse, I’m tired, my boob’s hurt, I don’t feel like it. Is this normal? I’m starting to resent the fact that I always have to initiate.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

It's her daughter? If so, stop prodding, it's not your concern how she raises her daughter.

Maybe she resents you and it shows in the lack of sex.


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## NYCBILL (Nov 27, 2017)

I'd be highly suspicious of some sort of EA or PA. Any odd behavior that makes you think as much? Excessive texting, being online etc?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

When is the last time you took your wife on a romantic date, just the 2 of you?

When you two are home and you are cooking , cleaning, helping daughter what is your wife doing? Is she on her phone all the time or a family PC?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife sounds depressed. Did she start acting like this only 6 months ago?

How often do you talk to your wife about what's going on. Can you give us some examples of things you have said to her about all this?

The only person you can change is yourself. So I think you need to focus on yourself first. What do you do for yourself? You might want to start out with the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy".

After that read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Do the work these books say to do. Then ask her to read them and do the work with you. I suggest that you read them first as the work they say to do will help you in talking to her about the issues you are having.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Does your wife work? *Edit - saw she works, what kind of job does she have and what is her schedule?

Begging for sex won't work. Do you go to bed with her when she wants to while hoping it will be time and then get frustrated when she doesn't want to. Might be time to stop going to bed with her... do something else and come to bed later.

I would however continue to initiate and build up rejections/excuses from her. It will only the make the situation more clear. 

I would be suspicious of her in the background, there may not be anything happening, but you need to be sure. Don't confront her with suspicions but do some reconnaissance to be sure. Confronting / Questioning without any evidence would only make her hide it and you may lose any chance of ever finding the truth.

Focus on making yourself awesome. Hit the gym. Get a hobby. Be an awesome Dad. You are on the verge of something that may continue to spiral downward, or may recover, you want to be ready either way.

Have you been to a marriage (sex) counselor?


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I would recommend reading:
No More Mr. Nice Guy 
and
Hold on to your NUTS

Both are like 2.5 hour reads, so well worth the investment. Both books put things into perspective for me.. i'm also in a 7 year marriage that was getting worse and it helped me turn it around... already seeing positive changes after only 1~ month.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The purpose of the 180 is not to fix marriages; it's to help end them. To help the person move away from caring for their spouse. The 180 that the above poster is talking about is linked to in my signature block below. Note that the purpose of it is for a betrayed spouse (BS) to separate from their wayward spouse (WS) until either the affair ends or the BS falls out of love and files for divorce. This does not apply to you.

@BName;, do not do the 180. At least not at this time, until you have figured out what is going on and if at all possible worked to fix your relationship with your wife.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The purpose of the 180 is not to fix marriages; it's to help end them. To help the person move away from caring for their spouse. The 180 that the above poster is talking about is linked to in my signature block below. Note that the purpose of it is for a betrayed spouse (BS) to separate from their wayward spouse (WS) until either the affair ends or the BS falls out of love and files for divorce. This does not apply to you.
> 
> @BName;, do not do the 180. At least not at this time, until you have figured out what is going on and if at all possible worked to fix your relationship with your wife.


Yea, EleGirl is right that the 180 was developed for betrayed spouses, but some of what it says to do, regarding taking care of yourself and not letting the emotions from your spouse's negative behavior bring you down apply to any "nice guy". I was in the same situation as the OP, and it is significantly improved, but I did a combination of no more Mr. Nice Guy and implemented a lot of 180 tactics to get my spouse to see that I was serious about fixing the situation.

I think a fair chunk of recommendations in the 180 can help anyone whose spouse is not owning up to negative behavior that is hurting a marriage, but yes, some of it would way over the top for what the OP thinks is happening for now. I guess it was just eye opening reading for me when I was in his shoes.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

re16 said:


> I did a combination of no more Mr. Nice Guy and implemented a lot of 180 tactics to get my spouse to see that I was serious about fixing the situation.


Using the 180 as a manipulative tool in an attempt to solicit permanent changes and build attraction for you in your estranged partner is a recipe for complete and utter failure. 

It accomplishes nothing, other than wasting a whole lot of valuable time.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Bonkers said:


> It's her daughter? If so, stop prodding, it's not your concern how she raises her daughter.
> 
> Maybe she resents you and it shows in the lack of sex.


You can't be serious. They're married, they raise children together. A stepfather has an obligation to look out for the welfare of his stepchildren and anyone related to his wife, for that matter. 

OP, you might see if she is depressed or overwhelmed with something that is going on in her life. I would sit her down and have a long talk about it on a quiet day.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> You can't be serious. They're married, they raise children together. A stepfather has an obligation to look out for the welfare of his stepchildren and anyone related to his wife, for that matter.


Not to the extent of bugging his partner as to how often she plays with her daughter or whether enough homework is being done. It's HER kid, not his. Marriage doesn't change that.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Read “No More Mr Nice Guy”


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Start focusing on yourself. Work out, join a gym, pick up a hobby or golf or another sport, go out for drinks with guys after work, dress better, groom better, and get out of your comfort zone and be your own man. She needs to feel a little jealous, she needs to feel attracted to you, she needs to feel like she needs you more than you need her. 
When you’ve got yourself figured out work on her. Give her attention, take her out on date nights, basically date your wife, treat her like a lover or girlfriend and not like a mom or typical wife. When you act like a man and not a dad or husband you are much more attractive to her. She needs to feel like she is attracted and needs to feel like she needs to please your sexually like she did when you were dating. Try it.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I am a firm believer that when sex goes stone cold dead in a marriage then the prospect of the refusing partner being engaged in an affair should always discreetly be examined. What makes you so sure your wife is not having an affair?

Does she keep a passcode on her phone? Is it attached to her hip and she never lets it out of her sight? Does she claim to be working overtime, or have increased instances of going out with the girls?

The above are all red flags. You need to keep a discreet eye out for these things.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

BNames said:


> I've been married to my wife for about 7 years. Been going through a rough patch for the last 6 months. I do not suspect any infidelity, but wife seems to be somewhat checked out and I constantly need to prod her to do anything (housework, playing with her daughter, help daughter with homework, cook, etc…). I feel like I do more than my fair share from an emotional, physical, and financial perspective. We both work full-time.
> 
> Sex has been sporadic at best. We’ve gone through periods where we do it 1x a month and then there will be other times where we do it 1-2x a week. Wife has never had a huge sex drive. My concern is that I’m getting rejected more now than ever before. There’s always an excuse, I’m tired, my boob’s hurt, I don’t feel like it. Is this normal? I’m starting to resent the fact that I always have to initiate.




Sounds like you have a high and healthy sex drive and your love language is probably physical.

Your wife's love language more than likely is not physical and she has a lower sex drive.

Profiles Archive - The 5 Love Languages®


I don't know if this helps you, but for myself, Mrs.CuddleBug is similar to your wife. Low sex drive, have to push her to get things done and we both work full time.

If I see a chore or something that needs to be done, I'm on it. Mrs.CuddleBug does the opposite, I'll do that when I get off the couch, or when I'm off my laptop, etc. Or she leaves her open food all over the counter for 30+ minutes watching tv and on her laptop.....where as I put away my food and things when I'm done using them.

Both of you take the 5 love languages quiz and compare results afterwards.....you might be surprised.


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## jolt3 (Dec 26, 2017)

Bonkers said:


> It's her daughter? If so, stop prodding, it's not your concern how she raises her daughter.
> 
> Maybe she resents you and it shows in the lack of sex.


Seems to be a lot of unhelpful bitter people such as th above poster in these forums.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jolt3 said:


> Seems to be a lot of unhelpful bitter people such as th above poster in these forums.


You are new to this forum. Please read the rules for posting on TAM.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/forum-guidelines/350914-posting-guidelines-forum-rules-2017-a.html

One of the rules is to not attack other posters. You might want to take a look at the word under that poster's name "banned". Yep he was banned for his unhelpful/attacking posts. You too can be banned for attacking other posters as you did here. 

If you have a problem with a post, please use the 'report' button at the bottom left of the post (triangle with an ! in it).

I'll cut you some slack this one time.


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## jolt3 (Dec 26, 2017)

This is not an isolated incident within this forum. Please save your slack for those who will appreciate it, I'm leaving of my own accord. I wish you the best of luck in continuing to try to make this a safe place for people to reach out without fear of being judged or attacked.


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