# How do you watch your ex date? Excrutiatingly painful!



## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

So here I am finally over on the Going through Divorce Forum. I started posting here in January. Long story can be found on the Private forum. The short version is hubby of 29 years going through Mid life crisis, wanted to separate so he could try out the single life. I tried my best to salvage the marriage but kept finding more and more lies about flirting with younger women. I eventually came to the conclusion he wanted his freedom and even if he agreed to give our marriage another try, he was going to be a cake eater. 

So here I am living with the reality that this is really happening and he has already moved on. Has a new girlfriend and we haven't even filed yet. Tells you how anxious he was to try his new life out. 

When I hear of others divorce stories, I truely had no idea how painful it could be. There aren't enough adjectives to describe my betrayal, rejection and hurt. I truely want to curl up in a ball much of the time. But I try my best to get through the days for my kids.

I know the standard, take care of yourself, get excercise, seek IC, etc. But how on earth have others dealt with the mind movies about visualizing their STBX with another partner. I can't stop thinking about what they are doing and picturing them being intimate. It's eating me up inside.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Started making my own movies.

Much more entertaining,
Stretch


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

All the suggestions you mentioned occupy time.

That is really the key because free time let's your mind wander into places you would prefer not to go.

Filling your mind with new memories takes the place of unwanted thoughts.

Good luck, I know it's heartbreaking,
Stretch


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

This is where disengaging from your STBX comes in. Why do you know about his gf?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Actually, thinking about my XW with her married OM helped me get over it faster. 

She's a disgusting pos. Why would I want her? I deserve better and so do you!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often do you see your ex?


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

PBear said:


> This is where disengaging from your STBX comes in. Why do you know about his gf?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He told me on our 29th Anniversary "I'm moving on and you should too" So I told him I was worried that he will spend all of of our cash on dating before we divide everything up since he's admitting he's moving on. He travels a ton for work and lives in Canada while I'm in the US. He then admitted he is flying in someone he met to spend the weekend with him. What an asshat! 

I see my STBX every 2-3 weeks or so. It's just my imagination running wild. I don't have to see them around town or anything. I can't even imagine that. Disengaging is incredibly tough. I should hate him with every fiber of my being for what he's done to me in the past several months but I don't.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stressedandsad said:


> He told me on our 29th Anniversary "I'm moving on and you should too" So I told him I was worried that he will spend all of of our cash on dating before we divide everything up since he's admitting he's moving on. He travels a ton for work and lives in Canada while I'm in the US. He then admitted he is flying in someone he met to spend the weekend with him. What an asshat!


Have you talked to your lawyer about your husband dating? Do you even have a lawyer? 
Your husband is committing adultery and spending community assets/income on other women. You can ask the court to award you an amount equal to the money he is spending on things like flying some women in to see him.


Stressedandsad said:


> I see my STBX every 2-3 weeks or so. It's just my imagination running wild. I don't have to see them around town or anything. I can't even imagine that. Disengaging is incredibly tough. I should hate him with every fiber of my being for what he's done to me in the past several months but I don't.


You need to stop seeing him. Why are you doing that?


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

It is very hard at first, your mind plays games with your imagination . After 2 years, I feel nothing for him and could really care less who he is with. I am busy making my own plans and living my life. You will get there too, and it's true, time heals all wounds. There is no quick fix from this kind of pain.


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Have you talked to your lawyer about your husband dating? Do you even have a lawyer?
> Your husband is committing adultery and spending community assets/income on other women. You can ask the court to award you an amount equal to the money he is spending on things like flying some women in to see him.
> 
> You need to stop seeing him. Why are you doing that?


We have kids so we have to see each other. Yes, I have a lawyer and I have another meeting with her next week. I am not sure in my State you can do anything about spending money on other women after you decide to separate. There is nothing in writing about an "official separation date" but from what I understand we would need to agree on what that date was....like I said, it's on my list to ask but I'm in a no fault divorce State. Adultery wouldn't matter.


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

JWTBL said:


> It is very hard at first, your mind plays games with your imagination . After 2 years, I feel nothing for him and could really care less who he is with. I am busy making my own plans and living my life. You will get there too, and it's true, time heals all wounds. There is no quick fix from this kind of pain.


Thanks! Wish there was a quick fix. When I hear of other people going through divorces, even close family, I had no idea how painful this really is. Every morning I wake up and think "was that a nightmare" No, it's real and my stomach drops as if I'm on a roller coaster. 

I think I need to keep thinking of all the bad parts of my marriage in order to get through. I thought overall, we had a good one but looking at it through a different lense now. Maybe realizing he's not worth crying over will get me past it...?

Thanks ALL!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You shouldn't pay for your husband's single life.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

At first the thought of XWW dating was painful but then I realized this is nothing new. She was dating while we were married! :scratchhead:


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> You shouldn't pay for your husband's single life.


Asking my lawyer today but I don't think there's anything I can do about him spending money on other women in a no fault state.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Decimated said:


> At first the thought of XWW dating was painful but then I realized this is nothing new. She was dating while we were married! :scratchhead:


That was my thoughts EXACLY...the guy she was dating a month after our divorce was her second boyfriend (that i know of)...so why should it bother me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stressedandsad said:


> Asking my lawyer today but I don't think there's anything I can do about him spending money on other women in a no fault state.


Have the two of you separated your finances fully yet? If not, do it ASAP. Then he can go blow his money on whatever he likes, as can you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Having gone through all this in the last year, it is hard at first...very. He may not be as happy as you think, and that new woman may wear on him too. You really do just have to work on your own happiness, and do your best to not think of him...it is hard though.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Dont take him back either when the new wears off of everything. He pretty much spit in your face with this one. No matter how much you want things back like it was, it will never be that way again. It will take time(sure your tired of hearing that). But a year or so from now, you wont care anymore, and you will find someone worthy of you.


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

PBear said:


> Have the two of you separated your finances fully yet? If not, do it ASAP. Then he can go blow his money on whatever he likes, as can you.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We haven't separated it yet. The house just sold so we have to wait for closing before splitting it up. In the meantime, he's paying all bills since I'm not working. I may ask for the savings to be split now so he can't touch that but I have to be careful because I can't have it both ways. If something comes up during this closing process we had not anticipated, I would have to pay for it out of my side if we split it up now. So, I'm trying to sit tight for a month or so.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Garry2012 said:


> That was my thoughts EXACLY...the guy she was dating a month after our divorce was her second boyfriend (that i know of)...so why should it bother me.


Thought he was the third.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

I am so sorry and I can't imagine how heartbreaking this must be after 29 years of marriage. I'm closing in on 2 years and facing possible separation and I'm being torn to pieces over it. I find great comfort in the Lord, though. There are really comforting verses such as "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18. I would definitely have a good cry with your friends and family, they love you and are there to support you. You can do this. I'll pray for you!


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

I've been married for 19 and together for 24 years with my STBX. He told me last October he was in love with someone else. We still share the same house. Like your situation, he works abroad a lot, but comes home every other weekend or so to be with the kids. But we've been living that way for a long time, so the GF and the pending divorce is the only new part of it. It is hard but then not hard for me to think about it. In fact, I've gotten to the point where I'm thinking better her than me! I'm almost hoping she'll dump him and he'll come crawling back to me just so I can say NO. 

Posting and venting and talking to people on this forum has helped me a lot too. We are all in the same boat, and none of it is easy. It sucks. But, we all will get through it too. I feel better and stronger than I have in YEARS. Like you, I see my marriage through different lenses too. I was not happy. I never would have divorced and was starting to look forward to the second half of life and marriage (kids going off to college soon), and then he pulls this crap after all we've been through???? Good riddance. If he could do what he's done to me, I know I can do better. I still get along with my STBX quite well, and I don't even care if we are staying in the same house when he's home. But the big difference is, I'm now looking forward to NEW experiences. At first I dreaded the thought of getting out there again, but this last month or two has shown me there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I will have a life again, and better, more loving and affectionate life. And I'm looking forward to that. Free to be me again. 

It will happen. Time.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Thought he was the third.


Could have been the fifth for all I know.


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

SawbladeLily said:


> I've been married for 19 and together for 24 years with my STBX. He told me last October he was in love with someone else. We still share the same house. Like your situation, he works abroad a lot, but comes home every other weekend or so to be with the kids. But we've been living that way for a long time, so the GF and the pending divorce is the only new part of it. It is hard but then not hard for me to think about it. In fact, I've gotten to the point where I'm thinking better her than me! I'm almost hoping she'll dump him and he'll come crawling back to me just so I can say NO.
> 
> Posting and venting and talking to people on this forum has helped me a lot too. We are all in the same boat, and none of it is easy. It sucks. But, we all will get through it too. I feel better and stronger than I have in YEARS. Like you, I see my marriage through different lenses too. I was not happy. I never would have divorced and was starting to look forward to the second half of life and marriage (kids going off to college soon), and then he pulls this crap after all we've been through???? Good riddance. If he could do what he's done to me, I know I can do better. I still get along with my STBX quite well, and I don't even care if we are staying in the same house when he's home. But the big difference is, I'm now looking forward to NEW experiences. At first I dreaded the thought of getting out there again, but this last month or two has shown me there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I will have a life again, and better, more loving and affectionate life. And I'm looking forward to that. Free to be me again.
> 
> It will happen. Time.


Thanks! Sounds like you can relate quite well to what I'm feeling. I don't know how you live in the same house though. That would be difficult for me. I'm glad to hear you see some light. Maybe I'm only a few months behind you. My revelation came to light the first of January. Here's hoping for great things ahead for both of us.


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

It is really excruciatingly painful....at first few months....
It hurts so bad really really bad...and not just that there are really times that you just wanted to end it all and wanting not to wake up the next day.
Gladly, i have more strength to overcome it because of my son.

But as the saying goes TIME heals all wounds.
It's either you learn to accept it and carry on with your life.
After 3 years separation,i think i can say that i been through a lot of things that i would never thought i would go through but hey i can say that everything does happen for a reason and for a purpose.
I can't even believe its been that long since we separated.

Im okay now,i think I've accepted it and actually he is on his second gf lol...and he brought her along with him to pick our son up for a week away with to be honest it doesn't hurt anymore but i guess its just awkwardness (probably because i just don't know how to react)i am not mad or angry towards the girl but all i wish really is to not waste my time about things that don't matter anymore to me.

Time is so powerful, it will get better in time,just don't waste it waiting for him,do everything u can to take care of yourself and do something good for you and don't give up on hope for a better future and happiness.

Some people do really have the ability to hurt you but,nobody can actually hurt you without your permission.

Be Strong and This too shall pass.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Separated79 said:


> It is really excruciatingly painful....at first few months....
> It hurts so bad really really bad...and not just that there are really times that you just wanted to end it all and wanting not to wake up the next day.
> Gladly, i have more strength to overcome it because of my son.
> 
> ...


It is hard. My X came around to pick up the kids with her BF about 2 months after divorce. Killed me. But, like you said...it passes..now she is regretting it all etc. You will be ok....hang in there.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

You gotta try looking at a future map of your own life...Make some goals like traveling to see the pyramids. Remember the you you were before him and embrace the unfulfilled dreams and hopes you used to have and make them happen for you this time...Shift the focus...Strive, push, kick, fight to be the best you possible, the one you were created to always be. I'm not saying it is like waving a magic wand, but I am on this journey too and I think it's worth sharing with others, the few ways one can reset their compass. One thing I know, being a crumpled bit of paper flung on the side of a room is not the reason I was born and can only be my destiny if I choose it. 

He is a jerk and never deserved you in the first place...I think the superficiality of the "appearances" of many people's lives gives us the false impression of their well-being and happiness. We are all participants in life and know that there are ups and downs. We have to recognize that the superficiality we view other in, is a reflection of our own superficiality. Once we get real with ourselves, the illusions about others disappear.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Do your best to ditch your WS' reality. 

We each live in our own reality which is made up of our life experiences and emotions. When we believe what our WS' believed, we force ourselves to justify their actions based upon their world/values/beliefs/ life experience. This is a great injustice we do to ourselves.

I wonder if the best way to handle all of it is to look within and take account of what we believe, all of it. Get rid of the things which are not important/bad/ignorant/unjust, and strengthen the good we find. Strengthen the things which make us the individuals we are and know that they are not like us and never were/will be. 

Their world in flawed, for us. Do we need to feel pity for them? I wonder if it is empathy or pity? Maybe it's a combination of both. 

If they believe what they did was the right thing and we do not, how flawed are they for us?


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> Do your best to ditch your WS' reality.
> 
> We each live in our own reality which is made up of our life experiences and emotions. When we believe what our WS' believed, we force ourselves to justify their actions based upon their world/values/beliefs/ life experience. This is a great injustice we do to ourselves.
> 
> ...


How insightful! Thank you! You're right! That seems to be helping me alot by asking myself if I want to be married to someone who is displaying such opposite values to what I believe! I am holding on to a marriage that doesn't exist. If I peel back the layers, I don't like what I see.

Thanks to everyone here for such great advice and support!


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

I have seen my ex date and now get married in the space of the last year and a half so I can relate about the difficulty, letting go is really a process.
I know its easier said than done but thinking about him is a total waste of time.
If he came back on his hands& knees begging for you take him back-would you really want him after his philandering?
Try concentrating on the future and looking at your life as a new beginning.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Ah yes, the grass is always greener to these wayward spouses.

I went through this in Nov 2011. Ex just up and left. Total mid life crisis, mingled in with a good dose of mental illness. He was out there chasing women, but sweet talking me into not filing because he just wanted "some time to think". Turns out his d#ck was doing all the thinking. I had no idea of his dating, until he confessed that one of the young bimbos he'd been "dating" was pregnant.

He dumped her fast and came crawling back. No thanks. I filed 4 days after he told me, and followed through with it. I felt sick to my stomach with all the lies he had spun, along with his irresponsible, immature behavior. This was not the man I had married 13 yrs earlier. 

He now disgusts me to the point I can't stand to be around him. He's a morally bankrupt, disgusting excuse for a man. He's aggressive, overbearing and arrogant. He cries victim and takes zero responsibility for his actions.

You probably need to accept this man has changed, he is not a good fit for you anymore, and you deserve much better.

I strongly suggest filing for divorce ASAP, before he does anything else to screw up your finances. Please don't wait around or put off filing hoping he will come back, or change his mind.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Stressedandsad said:


> So here I am finally over on the Going through Divorce Forum. I started posting here in January. Long story can be found on the Private forum. The short version is hubby of 29 years going through Mid life crisis, wanted to separate so he could try out the single life. I tried my best to salvage the marriage but kept finding more and more lies about flirting with younger women. I eventually came to the conclusion he wanted his freedom and even if he agreed to give our marriage another try, he was going to be a cake eater.
> 
> So here I am living with the reality that this is really happening and he has already moved on. Has a new girlfriend and we haven't even filed yet. Tells you how anxious he was to try his new life out.
> 
> ...


Stressedandsad, I can relate a bit to your story. My stbx of 25 years was a cake eater. He tried out the single life (for 10 years) but forgot to tell me about it.

So, long story short, it was sayonara time. 

He is also in a different country, and for that I am very grateful. It has made the whole process for me much easier. I actively try not to fall into the trap of thinking of him dating. I have to monitor myself not to spy (as on FB etc). I do not want to know. That life is done and those dreams have been shattered. So, what now?

Like someone said upthread, replace the mind movies with ones of your own. I started dating 7 months out, I am focusing on my newfound freedom (and it is that!) and I am rediscovering myself. I didn't know just how much I had lost and what **** I had put up with. I am seeing a wonderful man now who is the exact opposite of my ex. Is this a rebound? I don't know, but I do know that however it ends up, I have had the opp to get to know someone worthwhile and fun, someone who has helped me heal and allowed me to see that not all men are alike.

So, when you thoughts start to wander, give yourself a mental shake and replace them with something positive.

Oh, and separate those assets ASAP and file. File now. Move on and grab the future with two hands because it's gonna be bright!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qrriKcwvlY


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