# I am an abuser...



## dmc1259 (May 15, 2013)

I am 27 years old in a domestic partnership. We have only been together close to 3 years and during that time we would fight sometimes so bad that I would lose it and hit her. I don't know why I did it, I would instantly regret it every time. I felt as though something came over me and I was not thinking. This is no excuse, I refuse to make excuses for myself, I assume all responsibility. I promised to never do it again and I kept doing it. This last weekend we really got into a huge fight and again I hit her. I am so ashamed for what I did. She is leaving me and who could blame her. She told me she told herself she would never put up with that and is disappointed that she ever stayed the first time it happened.

She tells me she no longer loves me and only sees me as a friend. She has lost all feelings towards me. I am still in love with her but I am so ashamed for what I have done. I became the very person that I never wanted to be. I was abused when I was younger and even in a previous relationship and I felt as though I was such a strong person to overcome that but instead I became my abusers. I am so ashamed for what I did. 

I am currently seeking counseling. But I just need to talk to someone, I have told most everyone I know that I am an abuser because I feel like I need to shame myself. I feel like I should turn myself in. I can't even look at myself. I am hurting so bad, I am losing the one I love and I have destroyed her.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Good for you for seeking help to break the cycle. The abused often grow up to be abusers. I hope you're able to get the help you need really soon.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

The first step to overcoming a problem is admitting you have one. It takes courage to come to a public place to tell complete strangers you have a problem. Good for you, step 1 complete.

What was your home life like when you were a child? Look there and you will find the root of your behavior. Work with your counselor to change these behavior patterns and channel your energy into something positive. It's okay to be angry but use the anger for good.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Glad you're admitting it. Now follow through on the therapy. It's the only way you'll ever overcome it or have any hope of having any relationship in the future. But make sure you pick one who has experience in abuse.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

It's a choice. You wouldn't likely hit your boss would you? Why wouldn't you?


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## dmc1259 (May 15, 2013)

I recognize I have a problem and it's killing me. To think I am an abuser just makes me feel worthless. I try to tell myself it is just anger issues. I never beat her, I would just blow off and hit her in the heat of the moment. But I know that is just me making excuses. There is never a good reason to hit someone, especially someone you "love" 

My childhood was very rough, my stepmom used to beat me and was very cruel and did unspeakable things. I was so proud of myself thinking I had no problems, that I overcame. But now I must face the fact that I do have issues and that I became my abusers. 

The thing that gets me the most is a week ago she loved me, or so I thought. She told me she was lying to herself and to me. I know what I did was wrong but I feel like I don't understand how she has no feelings for me whatsoever anymore. I did this to her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to the library and start reading every book on abuse they have.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Right now you need to focus on yourself. Get the help you need and go from there. She very well may be lost to you, so prepare for that, and get yourself fixed up so that your next relationship doesn't end the same way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dmc1259 said:


> I know what I did was wrong *but* I feel like I don't understand how she has no feelings for me whatsoever anymore. I did this to her.


 As long as you continue to use "but" - which NEGATES every other thing you say, you are selfish person who looks at everything in terms of what YOU get or don't get. 

You don't understand how SHE can have no feelings? Like she owes you something? What if she fell back and hit her head and died? Would you still be upset with her for having no feelings for you?

Start understanding this is about _selfishness_, not some FOO issue. And I'm usually the Queen of FOO justification. Not this time.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

I watched my mom get slapped around by a step-dad when I was eight. I swore I never would hit a woman, and I haven't. I don't condone violence on women, unless she hits you a few times and won't stop. With that being said, are there stressers in your life like job, money, family issues? I know my ex-stepfather worked as a prison guard. Not excusing him for what he did, because believe me, I'd break his face if I saw him today, but there may be some underlying cause. You definitely need help because hitting a woman for no reason is not cool. Hell, hitting anyone for no reason is not cool, especially someone you proclaim to love. I want to be so much more rude, but at least you're seeing the problem.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Let her go. She doesn't deserve it, and you don't deserve her. Fix yourself, then maybe you can find someone that you deserve.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Definitely let her go. Even if you truly change and never hit again, she'll always be fearful. Let her find happiness with someone else.

Work on yourself. The fact that you are confronting this head on means you have a good chance to get this under control. Keep going to counseling. You need to get to a place where you can get angry without crossing that line. You can't expect to live life and always be happy. Until you can handle your anger, focus on yourself.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Let her go. Focus on working on yourself. Don't get in to a relationship until you feel you have a handle on your anger.

Been there, done that. Ex broke my nose, blacked my eyes and otherwise beat the snot out of me on numerous occasions.

Even if he had become the saintliest of people, I could never have worked things out with him because I would have always had the fear of being hit again. 

Your gf will carry that for a long, long time. When she dates, she'll be watching for telling behavior that may indicate that this guy's an abuser.

I'm glad you're seeking out help - face it, work on it and fix it. It's within your ability to stop the cycle.


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## dmc1259 (May 15, 2013)

Like I said I am not making excuses for myself, I have a lot going in personal life and work life. My doctor has taken me out of work for stress having a negative affect on my health. We argue a lot and I would try to walk away but she would get in my face a lot and yell at me and say mean things and just keep going and even I tried to walk away she kept pushing it in my face and I guess I would just lose it and hit her. These are the only times when I would hit when we fought and it got so bad. I am definitely not making excuses, some friends say we are both at fault. I can't seem to see it that way though. I feel worthless and such a bad person for letting myself get so angry. Do I go to domestic violence classes or do I go to anger management classes? I don't know what to do.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Nope - there is no good reason to hit her. You're not both at fault. You are at fault for YOUR actions. Period.

Get in to therapy, take anger management classes, read self help books. Learn to control your emotions.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I love how you say you're not making excuses, then you pepper the post with a long string of excuses.


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## All of a sudden (Jan 24, 2013)

My husband hit me a lot years ago. He went to rehab and counseling ect. It stopped until his affair a few months ago. He has now pushed me down, punched the pillow as hard as he could right next to my face, over our daughter inbetween us. Gets in my face spitting. I dont know but he seems to be going back to that place again. So personally I don't know if you can ever be cured.? 

Hopefully your taking this very seriously, get as much help as you can. Enter into some programs, I wouldn't start a new relationship for a long time.

Like the guy said before, you wouldn't hit your boss ect. So what is it about a woman, the one you love that you need to hit her?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

All of a sudden - please get you and your daughter out of there. It will more than likely escalate. It took waiting for my ex to try stabbing me before I left. 

Don't let your daughter see this behavior and think it's normal.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Let her go and know you did not "destroy" her. We are tougher than you think. She will never trust you and feel the way she did. So you need to work on fixing yourself. 

Continue with therapy and anger management. Also as was pointed out, you CAN help yourself. You could never hit her in public where people would see, right? Or in front of your friends or her parents? Nor would you ever hit your boss or an officer... so you are perfectly capable of controlling yourself. So go to counseling and start diving into your issues. She probably did you a big favor because you will now have to address feelings you have obviously been avoiding.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dmc1259 said:


> I would try to walk away *but* she would get in my face a lot and yell at me and say mean things


There's that word again.



dmc1259 said:


> and just keep going and even I tried to walk away she kept pushing it in my face and *I guess* I would just lose it and hit her. These are the only times when I would hit when we fought and it got so bad. I am definitely not making excuses,


Even worse. You don't GUESS about hitting the ONE person you're supposed to love. You chose yourself over her every instance.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> You could never hit her in public where people would see, right? Or in front of your friends or her parents? Nor would you ever hit your boss or an officer...* so you are perfectly capable of controlling yourself*.


If it mattered enough to you. 

Worth printing out and rereading ten times a day.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Your problem isn't anger. As others have mentioned, you're not hitting your boss or the cop that pulls you over or the waitress that messes up your order. You're specifically targeting your parther. Beyond the fact that you physically assaulted her, you're minimizing the behavior by shifting the blame to her and saying you only hit her when she'd "get in your face and not back down". If she's really your equal partner, you're just as responsible for de-escalating a situation. If she's "in your face" you always had the option of walking away before you assaulted her.

What you need is domestic violence classes. They will help you change the patterns of power and control that lead up to your belief that you are justified in hitting your partner. It's not just the simple assault, it's a part of your value system. Some part of you believes that assaulting your partner as a way to control her behavior is okay and even logical. Given what you've said about your background, it makes sense. Abuse is a cycle that gets passed down through the generations. All of that means that the problem is domestic violence. If you're getting into physcial fights with anyone who disagrees with you, then I'd say anger management is the answer, but that doesn't seem to be the case.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I still think counseling would help, too. You also need to learn healthy ways to disagree and problem solve. She probably needs to do the same but that's her problem now. Adults simply shouldn't need to scream and "get in each others' face" to resolve their issues.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I still think counseling would help, too. You also need to learn healthy ways to disagree and problem solve. She probably needs to do the same but that's her problem now. Adults simply shouldn't need to scream and "get in each others' face" to resolve their issues.


Individual counseling is definitely in order as well, especially given the childhood abuse and family of origin issues mentioned. A DV program deals specifically with the ideas and attitudes that culminate in abuse, generally following a specific schedule/curriculum. It isn't meant to resolve all the issues in an person's life. If I recall correctly, the abuser's program at the agency I used to work at followed a 20 week cycle. Participants could attend for as long as they wished or for as long as the court mandated, but the topics, information and discussion rotated on that cycle. Things like conflict resolution and communication were touched on, but only as a part of the whole. Future successful relationships will definitely depend on improving those kinds of skills as well.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I applaud you for admitting it. If I were you I would read "why does he do that". It's because you can. It's because it makes you feel good in the moment. Because she won't hit back. 
People tend to recreate the traumas they went through as children. But you have choices! 
I would find a men's support group for abusers and get into counseling with someone who specializes in treating abusers. 
And let her go. You fùcked up. 
You are talking the talk. That's the first step. Now walk the walk hard. 
Don't even think about dating until you have the ok from a therapist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

dmc1259, your actions define you and they have consequence (stating the obvious). 

There's tons of material out there for dealing with anger. Don't forget this feeling of regret because it will keep you straight short term but you need to remember long term.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

You can control it. You aren't just whaling on random strangers, boss, co workers, mother, siblings, etc.

You just singled your partner out.
It's a choice.
You want to blame her so you feel entitled and justified for what you did. Typical abuser response.

It really is a choice. Accept personal irresponsibility for what you do. Just stop doing it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have accomplished the biggest step.. you admit that you have a problem. Most abusers never get that far. This is good.

Now the next step is to realize that you have complete control over whether or not you ever abuse anyone again. You already know your weak point.. when you argue and/or get angry at someone close to you. Probably someone who is smaller than you so you feel that it's safe to hit them.


So learn to never get into a heated argument. When you feel yourself starting to ramp up to an argument, call time out, separate for an hour or so until you calm down.

There is no reason to ever get in a screaming argument/fight with your significant other. So don't do it again, ever. Practice stopping yourself over and over in front of a mirror. Imagine a fight that you had with her, start to live through it in your mind... say out loud that you are leaving for a while to calm down. 

Develop calming town tactics.. go to a quiet room by yourself, go for a walk, a bike ride, anything that you find helps you collect your thoughts and calm down.

A book that might help you is "The Dance of Anger". It's very insightful.


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## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

So it's her fault that you lost it? If only she hadn't been in your face so much you would've not been pushed over the edge?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Your partner seems to know your disposition yet she verbally coaxes you into losing your temper. Ask yourself, do you really want to be manipulated so easily? Seek help for your anger problems, let her be for now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lindabehonest (Jan 18, 2014)

My husband is very abusive but only verbal, and after reading all this I am starting to understand,I love him so much but I can,t keep taking the abuse and if I tried to get him help he would tell he,s fine it,s me.I know he was abused as a child just don,t to what degree. help.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

linda, have you started your own thread yet so others can help you?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You are doing the right thing by admitting that YOU have a problem. But like most abusers, you then negate that by turning the problem around and blaming your partner.

It is NOT her fault that you hit her. It DOESN'T MATTER what she said or did, YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO PUT YOUR HANDS ON HER IN ANGER. 

YOU made that choice, and you alone. As others have said, you can control it because you're not hitting your boss, random people in the street or anyone else. You're targetting your partner.

She did the right thing by leaving. 

You need to do the right thing now and own this 100%, no if's and's or but's.

Counselling, and lots of it is a must before you start dating again.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

OP, you keep saying "I'm not making excuses BUT" and then making excuses. Most people have very stressful times at some point in their life, but most of them do not respond to it by hitting their spouses. You have to figure out how to control and reverse the thing in YOU that makes YOU respond to stress that way, and stop blaming the stress, your partner, or anything/anyone else, including your own abuse as a child. Counselling is a good idea, being in a relationship right now is probably not.


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