# expectations and disappointment



## 41172 (Dec 29, 2013)

Just looking for some advice. Never posted to one of these before but figured it was worth a shot. I will try to keep it short and sweet. I have been married for almost 18 years. We have two children 16 and 14. My husband has many great qualities. He will drop everything to help another person. He always tells me I am beautiful and that he loves me. He has been my biggest cheerleader while I returned to school to get my Master's Degree. So here's the problem, he is very unmotivated. He works hard at his job to provide for us but around the house is a completely different story. He starts home improvement jobs and never finishes them. It drives me crazy. Our roof has leaked for several years, wooden siding falling off the outside of our house, we have broken windows and these are just some of the issues around our house. I have told him many times over our 18 years that it bothers me a lot. He always says he just does not notice things that I do. He says he will try to do better but nothing ever changes. Our house bothers me so much that I do not have people over. Mostly it upsets me that he seems to not care that it matters to me. I left once years ago for the same reasons with some other issues added on. He promised things would be different if I came back. We made a list that hung on the fridge for years with no change. We talked again in November about separating. Again we made a list. I stated that I just needed to see some kind of effort. He is motivated by money so his suggestion was a jar with a set amount of cash in it. If he worked for 5 hours each week on things on my list he could keep the cash from the jar. If he did not then I could keep the cash to pay to have the jobs done. The list ended up being just one more thing he started and never finished. He takes care of the bills and bank accounts so I have never seen the cash I was supposed to get to pay someone. I try hard to not take for granted the things he does but I struggle with the idea that our son now thinks it is perfectly OK to start things and not finish them. I also do not want my daughter to think it is OK for a husband to not take care of things around the house. On top of all this it seems as though now my kids believe that the issue is just me and that I care too much about what others think of my house and have my standards/expectations too high. I think I have taught him that his behavior is acceptable because I end up choosing to try to make the best of things the way they are. I am so tired of being disappointed when he says he will do things and does not follow through. I cannot trust what he says anymore. I am afraid if we do not make a huge change soon we will end up really hating each other. I know that he loves me and it sucks that I am hurting him now because I have pulled away completely. We are cordial to each other and that is all. The physical relationship is very important to him but I decided that if he cannot follow through on the things that are important to me why should I. I know I am just being spiteful but I have tried everything else. Yelling and and arguing, killing with kindness, lots of conversation nothing has helped so this has been my last ditch effort for him to see just how important this is to me.

Be honest with me. I like constructive criticism. If I am wrong I want to know. Should I try harder to be happy with the way things are? Like the old saying count my blessings? How many times do I lower the standards before saying enough is enough? Sorry not so short and sweet.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

That has been one of the ongoing battles in my house. On this issue, I had to accept that no matter how much screaming, yelling etc.... He just wasn't going to do it. The MC recommended he work on one thing per season. I doubt that will work either. I have let go, and am looking to hire a handyman.


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## blackdog (Dec 18, 2013)

Sadly, I think that I may be that man as well. We did a major renovation on our house just over two years ago (spent just a little more on the renos than we did on the house). I am reminded on occasion that there are little things not completed yet (baseboard and trim for example) and it bothers me to see that it is not done. Especially when I am home all day. I became Mr. Mom just shortly after the renovations were done. I am very appreciative that she took over being the breadwinner because my past job was stealing a wee bit of my self esteem each day, but now I sometimes think that I have no excuses for not completing some of the tasks. Then I think of how I use my time. We are a foster family with a total of six kids. So there are numerous trips to doctor appointments and other appointments. Two of our children are "special needs kids" which can be emotionally draining most days. I also worked for a neighbour for a few months when he had work for me. So I think sometimes of all that I do beyond the cooking and the cleaning and think that maybe it can be tough to start some of the little projects that need doing. This might sound silly, but sometimes I think that if we put more effort into each other's emotional needs, then I would have the drive to finish a few things that need doing.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

41172,

You've said that your H pays all of the bills and is the provider for your household. Does that mean you don't work as well?

If that is so, and please forgive me if I'm out of line, why don't YOU do the repairs? Why do you expect him to work all week and take care of the house as well? I understand being a stay-at-home Mom IS a job. You might not have time to do these things. I don't know, there wasn't enough information to go on.

I do know it can be difficult for someone to work all week long and have to face that they will spend all of their free time doing MORE work. I do it anyway, but that is me. I do understand the lack of motivation to do it, though. 

I also know that a man can often be shamed into getting off his a$$ if the wife takes it on herself to do the traditionally 'manly' chores around the household. 

Just a thought...


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Hire someone to do the work. Your husband doesn't care about this stuff. I can relate, because I don't, either.

I think it's crazy to wreck a family over something this minor. I would let it go and make the best your marriage in other ways.


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## Shimmer (Dec 18, 2013)

Wow, this reminds me in part of my situation. 

We have an older home, a beautiful, charming home that I really wanted when we bought it years ago. And like most older homes, it requires considerable upkeep... upkeep which my husband is not really interested in doing. I would gladly hire the work done, but he defies me to do so and says things will get done when HE is ready to do them. 

I'm also to the point of being embarrassed to have company over. We both work and have a comfortable 6 figure income and there's no excuse for our home to be in the shape it's in. But he's comfortable living this way and I'm supposed to suck it up and deal with it. 

Recently, in a brave moment, I told him that I've decided that 2014 will be the last year I live in an unfinished home and that my goal is to have it complete by the end of next year. He very strongly stated "Ain't gonna happen" with a stern look. I only replied that he certainly seemed sure of himself. 

I've decided this is a dealbreaker for me and is part of why I've decided that 2014 will likely be the year of my divorce. It seems like you're in a mostly happy marriage though, so I can see staying and trying to work it out. A handyman sounds like a must. I truly hope you can work this out, I know how painful and frustrating this situation can be.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

I'm a lazy behind when I get home from work on weekends. I just want to sit down and watch TV. The other half (of the parental unit) very often needs to tell me when things need doing - I try my best to follow through, but it's not quite instinctive, not yet.

I really can't advise either way - for me this isn't an issue, obviously for you it is. Far be it from me to say you're being picky, we all have our triggers (for me it's teabags. I do the dishes, I hate seeing used teabags anywhere the sink. And I mean I really, really hate it, with a burning hatred). 

I agree with Honorbound - take the initiative and lead. It may get him more motivated.

Question - does he smoke a lot of pot? He does come across as a weekend pot warrior.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You should have just hired someone to do the work. Pretty simple.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Heidi2005 said:


> That has been one of the ongoing battles in my house. On this issue, I had to accept that no matter how much screaming, yelling etc.... He just wasn't going to do it. The MC recommended he work on one thing per season. I doubt that will work either. I have let go, and am looking to hire a handyman.


Screaming and yelling? Cause of housework? It's not good at all and doesn't help housework or your relationship. 

Hire soneone and calmly let yiur husband know how much he is supposed to pay.


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