# Why is my husband doing this?



## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

Hi Everyone, 

I need some help understanding something. 
I'm currently in school. I take 1 course per semester because my husband doesn't like it if I take more because I am not able to spend as much time with him, etc. I've currently been in school for about 7 years now because my degree is 40 classes and taking 1 semester really draws it out. I've still got 12 to go....

So, this weekend a group project is due and our group is responsible for facilitating an online discussion with the rest of our class. So, this means that I needed to post a question for our class to answer at 6 tonight and I need to log in to the class website several times over the next three days to keep the conversation going and direct it. 
Tonight, my husband calls me on the way home and asks if I want to go out to dinner. I told him yes, but asked him if it was OK if we went after six since I need to post my question at six when the forum opens. He got really quiet and said we'd do it another day. He walked in the door a couple of minutes later, I said hi to him, he said nothing to me. He noisily unpacked his work stuff and stomped around the house while he changed clothes. 

I asked him what was wrong and he says that he wants to know why he always comes second to which I responded "I don't understand. How and when am I putting you second". He expressed that he was thinking about going out to dinner all day and that because I said that I needed to do something else before we could go, that was how I was putting him second and that he didn't want to go later, he wanted to go when he called me. I told him that I have responsibilities to other people and that I'm not willing to be the weak link in our group. My slacking off will affect all six of us. He asked me if I even felt sorry for his being upset, and I told him that I didn't. It seems that he believes I should feel guilty for making him feel bad. 

I just don't get this. He knew that I had to do this well before today (If I need to dedicate time to school, he always knows about it days beforehand so that an argument isn't started when he wants to do something and I tell him that I need to do schoolwork). So, I don't understand why he would be thinking about going to dinner all day. And, I don't understand why it was such a big deal to compromise and go after six. I don't understand how this is putting him second at all. And, I don't understand why I should be feeling guilty. 

This isn't the first time that he's done things like this. From my perspective, it seems like he waits for opportunities when he knows I need to do schoolwork and then throws something like this out there; he'll want to go shopping or go for dinner or go to a friends house; and he'll get upset with me when I tell him that I just can't right now. The last time this happened was last semester when I needed to study for my tax final. I told him the week before that I needed to study on Tuesday and Wednesday night and then Tuesday night he wanted to go shopping for Christmas lights! 

I very rarely work on my schoolwork at home. I usually do it on my lunch break instead because I can barely concentrate at home. He'll constantly interrupt and want to have conversations about what's he watching on TV or his day etc. So, it's not like I'm even doing schoolwork the majority of the time that I'm home with him. If I had to guess, I would say that I spend no more than 10 hours in 4 month semester working on school at home. There are just times (like with group projects and exams) that I can't do it all in my lunch break....

I feel like he's intentionally trying to sabotage my education, or that he's trying to get me to sacrifice good marks for him. I don't know any other way to interpret this behavior. 

Does anybody have insights/opinions? Should I be feeling guilty? Am I putting him second?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Cinnamon153 said:


> Hi Everyone,
> Does anybody have insights/opinions? Should I be feeling guilty? Am I putting him second?


That is an easy one. Whether it is solved depends on your adherence to some sound advice.

He feels victimized by not getting exactly what he wants. Yes, he feels as if he comes second to your commitments.

Let him own his response 100%. If he indicates that he no longer goes, then let him get that. He is using his negative emotional reaction to coerce you. So don't let it win and he will have to find another way to connect.

If you ask him when you two can go out to dinner next and he refuses the offer. Just say ok. Give no emotion. It is very likely that he will become a bit more upset when you fail to give in to his negativity. Expect it. When you accept his answer, say it as if you understand and accept his reason.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh my lord, how's he going to be when you have children??? What will happen when he wants something but the baby is screaming for a feed or nappy change??

You did nothing wrong. You put him first when you agreed to do one subject per semester! 

He seriously couldn't wait a lousy 30 minutes or so (probably not even that long) so you could do something important for your education?? Really?

Wow.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

How old is he. Maybe 2. I was completely supportive of my wife when she was a full time student. Even working two jobs to make ends meet. It is what a loved one does for the one they love. Wow, can't get over the way he is acting. Sorry..


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Let him own his response 100%. If he indicates that he no longer goes, then let him get that. He is using his negative emotional reaction to coerce you. So don't let it win and he will have to find another way to connect.
> 
> If you ask him when you two can go out to dinner next and he refuses the offer. Just say ok.  Give no emotion. It is very likely that he will become a bit more upset when you fail to give in to his negativity. Expect it. When you accept his answer, say it as if you understand and accept his reason.


I totally get what you are saying and it make sense but, if I don't respond, won't I be making the situation worse? Do I just accept that my house is going to be pretty sucky for awhile? What if he's still giving the silent treatment to me tomorrow? Do I wait for him to give in?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Maybe sit down and discuss it with him logically. You may be 100% in the right here but you do have a marriage to consider. 

You both should consider each other's side. A good marriage is work and so often lack of communication can lead to serious consequences later.

I find most issues revolve around not talking enough. If problems are left to fester there is no winner.


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

frusdil said:


> You did nothing wrong. You put him first when you agreed to do one subject per semester!
> Wow.


Thank you for saying that! That's exactly how I feel!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

One class per semester?? At the rate you're going, it will take you THIRTEEN years to finish a four year degree. All because he wants to be whiny, pouty, sulky baby.

Yes, he is sabotaging your education efforts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I was on the other side of this early in my relationship. It was really difficult for my wife to fully understand the demands of graduate school - in my field it involved crazy hours, emergency calls etc. 

The truth is that he IS your second priority until you finish school - and that is how it should be. He will also be your second priority if you have children. This is because he is (or should be) a fully functional adult who can take care of him self when needed. School, jobs, children can place rigid demands on your life. Failure to meet those demands can have long lasting consequences.

Love should not place demands. Love should understand and help. 

You need your husband to understand this. He needs to understand that what you are doing now will affect the rest of your life. 

Do not feel guilty - you are doing the right thing and he should be able to realize that.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Both of you should sit down and read His Needs, Her Needs together. Make the time.

So often couples let life just happen and if you grow apart someone else will step in and help fill those needs. 

Fix this now or be prepared for some serious issues later. It happens all the time. That's why the divorce rate is @ 50%


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Cinnamon153 said:


> I totally get what you are saying and it make sense but, if I don't respond, won't I be making the situation worse? Do I just accept that my house is going to be pretty sucky for awhile? What if he's still giving the silent treatment to me tomorrow? Do I wait for him to give in?


Adhering to this advice requires you to do the action and understand why you are doing it.

What happens when a child wants a toy or candy bar and the parent doesn't give in? The child (often) goes nuts.

You aren't making the situation worse. You are actually giving respect as you are taking his words seriously. Right now, he does not want you to take his words seriously. He wants you to give in to his emotional reaction.

I am not saying it will be easy on your part, but it is the only way to change it. He learned to do this, so he is not entirely to blame. 

Wait for him to give in. But you have to be accepting and respectful, otherwise are you really any better than him? If you react with any negativity, he will receive new justification for more emotional actions. 

Speak to him in the mindset that he is that child that wants a toy or candy bar, but obviously considering that he is an adult doing that. A child still needs love and being cared for, despite the screaming and crying. You aren't rewarding his behavior by abstaining from negativity of your own.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Cinnamon153 said:


> I totally get what you are saying and it make sense but, if I don't respond, won't I be making the situation worse? Do I just accept that my house is going to be pretty sucky for awhile? What if he's still giving the silent treatment to me tomorrow? Do I wait for him to give in?


If he gives you the silent treatment, you continue to act completely normal, with the exception of doing things for him. You don't cook, clean, wash his clothes NOTHING. If he's not speaking to you how do you know what he wants?

But you know what? If my hubby tried that [email protected] with me, I'd be done. I was in an abusive relationship before him, and my ex used the silent treatment to punish me when I "did wrong". It's a very effective and powerful way of controlling someone. No one will ever treat me that way again.


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> Both of you should sit down and read His Needs, Her Needs together. Make the time.
> 
> So often couples let life just happen and if you grow apart someone else will step in and help fill those needs.
> 
> Fix this now or be prepared for some serious issues later. It happens all the time. That's why the divorce rate is @ 50%


Well, I would definitely be willing to to do that. I'm downloading that book now. 
But, I will probably be reading it by myself. 
He told me yesterday that I need to go for more counselling (I was in counselling for about 6 months because I grew up in an abusive home and I was a teenage mother whose child passed away at 4 months) because apparently I'm reacting to things he says emotionally before making sure that the way I'm perceiving things he says are the way he meant them to come accross and that's not normal behaviour? Anyways, I told him that I think that we would benefit from going together and he wasn't down for that in the slightest, so I really can't see him being up for reading a book....


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## BirdieToldMe (Jan 16, 2016)

I think you definitely need to be direct about your feelings and talk about solutions. I would tell him that you plan on going to school full-time from here on out (if that's financially feasible) because it's RIDICULOUS to take one class per semester (if the only reason you're doing it is to pacify him). I agree you have a marriage to consider but he's being insane. Just remember that you teach people how to treat you. Be firm but you can still be loving.


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

@Relationship Teacher

Thank you. I will try that and see how that goes. What I've been doing hasn't been working, so maybe this will help. 

Thx


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Cinnamon153 said:


> @Relationship Teacher
> 
> Thank you. I will try that and see how that goes. What I've been doing hasn't been working, so maybe this will help.
> 
> Thx


You are welcome. Please contact me if you need any clarification or guidance for the advice given.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Wait for him to give in. But you have to be accepting and respectful, otherwise are you really any better than him?
> 
> Speak to him in the mindset that he is that child that wants a toy or candy bar, but obviously considering that he is an adult doing that. A child still needs love and being cared for, despite the screaming and crying. You aren't rewarding his behavior by abstaining from negativity of your own.


Omg :surprise:


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

BirdieToldMe said:


> I think you definitely need to be direct about your feelings and talk about solutions. I would tell him that you plan on going to school full-time from here on out (if that's financially feasible) because it's RIDICULOUS to take one class per semester (if the only reason you're doing it is to pacify him). I agree you have a marriage to consider but he's being insane. Just remember that you teach people how to treat you. Be firm but you can still be loving.


Well, I have a full time career (at the school I'm attending funnily enough). I currently work in the field that I'm getting my degree (BA Accounting) in and I've worked in it for about 10 years, so honestly, I'm not in a rush to finish it. I've got a good job and I'm not looking to move for at least 3-5 years, and by that time I'll have finished my degree and my CPA. So, this 1 class a semester was a compromise I made with him because I did 3 classes a semester for my diploma and it was too much for him.
We've been together for 10 years and school just always seems to cause problems no matter what I do.....


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

frusdil said:


> Omg :surprise:


I take it that you mean that to be a bad 'OMG'?...:frown2:


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cinnamon153 said:


> Well, I would definitely be willing to to do that. I'm downloading that book now.
> But, I will probably be reading it by myself.
> He told me yesterday that I need to go for more counselling (I was in counselling for about 6 months because I grew up in an abusive home and I was a teenage mother whose child passed away at 4 months) because apparently I'm reacting to things he says emotionally before making sure that the way I'm perceiving things he says are the way he meant them to come accross and that's not normal behaviour? Anyways, I told him that I think that we would benefit from going together and he wasn't down for that in the slightest, so I really can't see him being up for reading a book....


Marriage is a 50/50 commitment. One cannot do it alone. He needs to understand this. You either work together on it or you really have no marriage.

No magic just 50/50 ownership


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Cinnamon153 said:


> I take it that you mean that to be a bad 'OMG'?...:frown2:


I did. I was shocked at what I read. Your husband is behaving like a tantrum throwing toddler, but he's NOT a friggin' toddler, he's a grown man, who needs to start acting like it.

You cannot seriously be expected to treat him respectfully when he's treating you in this appalling way?? Wtf?

I don't mean you should give it back to him, and start behaving the same way, but you certainly shouldn't be enabling him by treating him respectfully!


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## BirdieToldMe (Jan 16, 2016)

Cinnamon153 said:


> Well, I have a full time career (at the school I'm attending funnily enough). I currently work in the field that I'm getting my degree (BA Accounting) in and I've worked in it for about 10 years, so honestly, I'm not in a rush to finish it. I've got a good job and I'm not looking to move for at least 3-5 years, and by that time I'll have finished my degree and my CPA. So, this 1 class a semester was a compromise I made with him because I did 3 classes a semester for my diploma and it was too much for him.
> We've been together for 10 years and school just always seems to cause problems no matter what I do.....


Ahhhh, got it. Well, I understand that you're in no real rush and what you wrote makes sense; however, I don't like that so much of this is "too much for him." You're the one putting in all the leg work. I do truly understand that he might miss you and not like it when you're working too hard between work/school but I think you should definitely address him pouting about your group project. He's being way too immature and not supporting you at all. It can't be all about him. Couples should strive to help each other and encourage one another to be their very best.


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

frusdil said:


> I did. I was shocked at what I read. Your husband is behaving like a tantrum throwing toddler, but he's NOT a friggin' toddler, he's a grown man, who needs to start acting like it.
> 
> You cannot seriously be expected to treat him respectfully when he's treating you in this appalling way?? Wtf?
> 
> I don't mean you should give it back to him, and start behaving the same way, but you certainly shouldn't be enabling him by treating him respectfully!


I think I get what you mean. Don't return the negativity, but don't play into what he's doing either, right? It's like, right now, I'm Sweden....


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I'm a CPA as well. It takes a lot of time and concentration. 

Maybe have a sit down and see if it would be better if you went full time and got this over with quicker?????

Do you have children??? 

Come up with an understanding of what it would take. Is he there for you, etc?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Cinnamon153 said:


> I think I get what you mean. Don't return the negativity, but don't play into what he's doing either, right? It's like, right now, I'm Sweden....


Exactly :wink2:


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> I'm a CPA as well. It takes a lot of time and concentration.
> 
> Maybe have a sit down and see if it would be better if you went full time and got this over with quicker?????
> 
> ...


Yup, it does. Especially when it takes an hour and a half to get through one comprehensive corporate tax problem! 
Well, like I said, I've been employed in the field that my degree is in for about 10 years now. My job is steady and I'm very comfortable so I don't have any expectation of wanting to move up the totem pole for at least a few more years. So, my education hasn't been much of a rush for me.

We don't have children, so there isn't really anything else taking time away from each other.

I don't think that he's ever really liked the fact that I'm in school. He always makes a point of telling everyone how smart he thinks I am and how well I'm doing in school and stuff, but then he does things like this. It's such a dichotomy that I really have no idea where he actually stands.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Hey Cinnamom153

Your husband is very "me" focused. Has he always been like this or did start after the wedding? You need to start doing things for yourself. Take a full load if you can and finish your education. He needs to figure out he is not the only one in the marriage. Always be true to yourself and be strong. A marriage takes two giving to each other not me me me me. If you don't fix now, you might end up where I am today. My wife never knew we had a problem and I believed she just didn't give a ****.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

frusdil said:


> I did. I was shocked at what I read. Your husband is behaving like a tantrum throwing toddler, but he's NOT a friggin' toddler, he's a grown man, who needs to start acting like it.
> 
> You cannot seriously be expected to treat him respectfully when he's treating you in this appalling way?? Wtf?
> 
> I don't mean you should give it back to him, and start behaving the same way, but you certainly shouldn't be enabling him by treating him respectfully!


That respect is the key to the advice and the only way he will change. The respect is what disempowers the tantrum.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cinnamon153 said:


> So, this 1 class a semester was a compromise I made with him because I did 3 classes a semester for my diploma and it was too much for him. ... We've been together for 10 years and school just always seems to cause problems no matter what I do.....


You're the one studying for a degree and working a full-time job, but three classes a semester "was too much for him."

It sounds like a compromise in which you got the short end of the stick. Do you think you are permitting him to manipulate you with his silent treatment?

It strikes me that you are willing to hold yourself back and be satisfied with what's going on as long as you can pacify him in order to have peace at home.

I dunno ... just sounds like a high price to pay to me.


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> You're the one studying for a degree and working a full-time job, but three classes a semester "was too much for him."
> 
> It sounds like a compromise in which you got the short end of the stick. Do you think you are permitting him to manipulate you with his silent treatment?
> 
> ...


It's possible that I'm allowing him to manipulate me. But I don't think that it's really with silent treatment. It doesn't really bother me to just be silent in situations like this. With the silent treatment, I'm willing to tough it out. It's arguments that I have the worst time in because I just can't seem to communicate my point and I don't have the stamina to go on for hours so I end up conceding....

I think that if he does manipulate me, it's probably with guilt trips. I'm really susceptible to them. My family growing up was abusive in many different ways and guilt trips were a classic in my house. So, I find that now that I'm an adult, I resist feeling guilty because I'm not always sure when I'm supposed to be feeling guilty...I'm not really sure if that made sense. A lot of the time, I will give other people scenarios and ask them what they think...it's taken years for me to not accept guilt, but I'm still struggling with figuring out the times that I should be feeling guilt (s***, I feel like that makes me a bad person....)


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cinnamon153 said:


> Yup, it does. Especially when it takes an hour and a half to get through one comprehensive corporate tax problem!
> Well, like I said, I've been employed in the field that my degree is in for about 10 years now. My job is steady and I'm very comfortable so I don't have any expectation of wanting to move up the totem pole for at least a few more years. So, my education hasn't been much of a rush for me.
> 
> We don't have children, so there isn't really anything else taking time away from each other.
> ...


Set some time together and have a frank discussion. Talk it through. Usually the biggest problems are lack of communication. Don't sugar coat anything. Tell him your thoughts. This is important so follow through and discuss it more than once if you have to. 

Do this without any distractions and give each other time to speak.

Good luck


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I had a very similar situation. I went back to school around the time we had kids, limiting myself to taking one course at a time because I also had a full time job. For the most part, it wasn't a problem, but at crunch times, like exams or a big project, when school had to rise in my priority list, my ex was NOT supportive.

When I vented about the stress, instead of encouragement from my ex, I'd get endless complaints like "why do you do this to yourself?" When I wasn't keeping my end of the chores, instead of my ex being helpful and doing more, I'd hear "you have to lower your standards if you want this degree." That sort of thing.

If my ex ever boasted to friends about my dedication and intelligence, it wasn't out of admiration of me, it was just wanting people to know how awesome my ex must be to have such a spouse.

It was an attitude reflective of selfishness and self-centredness on the part of my ex, that I should have realized was a snapshot of broader behaviour, or possibly downright narcissism, that would ultimately end the marriage.

Only you can say if you have that. Your husband sounds like he enjoys hogging your time. He does not like to feel you have a priority that is more important than him. If his main love language is quality time, then when you are not available to him, he feels like you don't love him. Something that may help is making a calendar that clearly delineates when you have school obligations and when you are free to hang with him, so he can see just how much of your time he gets compared to school, and so he can't forget when your deadlines are and get disappointed after looking forward to having that time with you.

Oh, and don't have kids until this is completely resolved. If he resents school for drawing your attention away from him, children are much much more demanding!


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Adhering to this advice requires you to do the action and understand why you are doing it.
> 
> What happens when a child wants a toy or candy bar and the parent doesn't give in? The child (often) goes nuts.
> 
> ...


WTF does this mean? It would be raised to the level of psychobabble if it were even remotely understandable. Unhelpful to OP at the least and damned sure to make one's ears bleed at worst.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

BBF said:


> WTF does this mean? It would be raised to the level of psychobabble if it were even remotely understandable. Unhelpful to OP at the least and damned sure to make one's ears bleed at worst.


:smile2:

The advice requires a mindset and course of action.

The husband is using a negative emotional reaction as a *tool *to get what he wants, just as a child does.

The last thing her husband wants is for her to say "ok", and carry on. For all those that insist that this advice is rewarding his behavior and that he should be punished in another manner need to consider that this is actually the worst punishment he could endure. If done correctly, he will have to eat his negativity.

Action: 
-Saying "ok",
or
-Prompting him for more information, which effectively will make him double down on it. Then say "ok".

Mindset: He is using a negative emotional reaction as a tool. If "I" give him any negativity, he wins. Acting healthy and normal will throw him into an internal conflict, that is, he will have to learn that "I" am not controllable and that his words will be taken seriously. 

The mindset helps OP not take it personally. OP's feelings are important here.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Relationship Teacher said:


> The last thing her husband wants is for her to say "ok", and carry on. For all those that insist that this advice is rewarding his behavior and that he should be punished in another manner need to consider that this is actually the worst punishment he could endure.


I did this same thing when dealing with my late alcoholic husband. He'd want to get something started, and I'd just say "ok" and "uh-huh" then go about my business.

Tit for tat doesn't work with manipulators, and alkies are masters at it. My husband would become quite frustrated when I'd just go about my business, speak in a normal voice, and not engage in his lunacy.

I think this is what Teacher is trying to convey. In Al-Anon we call it "detaching with love." Not an easy skill to master - and I still haven't - but it's one I used to not get sucked in.

I just get the feeling that the OP'er, having come from an abusive background, still has some residual reactions to her husband. And, sadly, he sounds like a classic manipulator to me.

I hope OP comes back, because I'd like to know if hubs has any friends, family, and outside interests he pursues.


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## Kelly:( (Jan 15, 2016)

Cinnamon153 said:


> I totally get what you are saying and it make sense but, if I don't respond, won't I be making the situation worse? Do I just accept that my house is going to be pretty sucky for awhile? What if he's still giving the silent treatment to me tomorrow? Do I wait for him to give in?


There's more behind why he's doing this. Your situation is likely one of two scenarios: First, he might be insecure about you getting your education, interacting with other men who in his mind he thinks you might start to compare them to him. It's all about insecurity. I have your husband's twin brother if this fits him like a T. The second scenario could be that he's all about being the top bread winner. The first scenario could be worked out in therapy, but if he's hell bent to be the one who brings in the most money then you could have a deal breaker here. Counseling Would be good here. The first scenario doesn't get better only worse. Eventually he gets tired of feeling insecure starts believing you are hooking up with other men and then cheats on you. That's a bit of a slippery slope but that's what happened to me. I was the sole breadwinner for 8 years and went to school part time and was treated like crap. I began to resent him for questioning my fidelity and a gap begins to come between both of you. Love shouldn't hurt. I was very young when I met my husband and didn't know what love was and of course I didn't see the signs. The accuser usually accuses you of things because that is what they have or are doing themselves.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*IMHO, "Hubby" has a hell of a lot of maturing and growing up to do!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cinnamon153 said:


> Well, I would definitely be willing to to do that. I'm downloading that book now.


There is another book that goes with that one. You really need to read both of them. The book is "Love Busters".

Your husband sees you not jumping at his command a love buster.

You see his demand for immediate attention as a love buster.

Very often neither person is wrong. In this case your husband is wrong. You are in the right because you had an important obligation and he could have waited a few minutes or even a hour or so. That is how adults support each other.

Your husband is going to have to learn to stop unreasonable expectations that set up the "you don't love me enough" scenario and then pouting about it. If he does not, he will drive you more and more away from him.

Anyway, I advise reading both books, they go hand in hand.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your husband have a degree from a university?


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> I just get the feeling that the OP'er, having come from an abusive background, still has some residual reactions to her husband. And, sadly, he sounds like a classic manipulator to me.
> 
> I hope OP comes back, because I'd like to know if hubs has any friends, family, and outside interests he pursues.


 Thanks for your post. It definitely made me feel better to know that someone out there experiences exactly what I do. I do feel like he tries to manipulate me, but it's hard for me to really know for sure because a manipulator will never actually admit that's what they are doing, so it's always me against him and it leaves me feeling like I'm crazy or not capable of perceiving things correctly. 

Regarding friends, family, other interests. No, he has a lot of family but does not talk or hang out with any other time than holidays. He hasn't spent time with friends by himself in....I don't even know how long. He has no interests outside of our home whatsoever (his interests revolve around his work (which he often does at home 'for fun'), doing things on the computer (not games, he likes designing things) and watching movies.

I on the other hand have many different interests and usually about once every 2-3 weeks I go out on a Saturday with my friends or my mom....


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

Kelly:( said:


> There's more behind why he's doing this. Your situation is likely one of two scenarios: First, he might be insecure about you getting your education, interacting with other men who in his mind he thinks you might start to compare them to him. It's all about insecurity. I have your husband's twin brother if this fits him like a T. The second scenario could be that he's all about being the top bread winner. The first scenario could be worked out in therapy, but if he's hell bent to be the one who brings in the most money then you could have a deal breaker here. Counseling Would be good here. The first scenario doesn't get better only worse. Eventually he gets tired of feeling insecure starts believing you are hooking up with other men and then cheats on you. That's a bit of a slippery slope but that's what happened to me. I was the sole breadwinner for 8 years and went to school part time and was treated like crap. I began to resent him for questioning my fidelity and a gap begins to come between both of you. Love shouldn't hurt. I was very young when I met my husband and didn't know what love was and of course I didn't see the signs. The accuser usually accuses you of things because that is what they have or are doing themselves.


No, I can't really see him being upset about me 'hanging' out with other men. I mean, the only time I physically go to school is for exams and it's not like the students are talking to each other, we're all in freak out mode for the exam....and I can't see him being insecure about my education. He's currently a senior manager and I haven't even hit middle management in my career, so I don't think it makes sense that he would be insecure about my education. 

He also has no issues with me bringing in more money than him. Money is the one thing that we've never fought about, but, that probably also has something to do with the fact that we have separate bank accounts, it's hard to fight about money when his money is his and mine is mine. We both contribute equally to the household and what's left is never spoken about. Sometimes he buys stuff when we go out together, sometimes I do, it really works perfectly. 

So, I don't really see those being the underlying reasons for his behaviour....


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

Hi Everyone, 

Quick update on this situation. 
I didn't speak to him at all on Friday night. I took my laptop into our bedroom and closed the door and worked on my school stuff all night. By the time I came out, he was having a nap on the couch and I went to bed without waking him up (usually I wake him up to let him know I'm going to bed, he generally stays up still, but waking him up is a habit). 
Saturday morning when I woke up he said that he didn't want to fight anymore and he didn't want us to be mad at each other all weekend and that he just wanted to move on
So, that's what we did, because I certainly wasn't interested in the argument any more. 

So, I don't really know if we resolved any of this, but for the time being, we've moved on....


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Does your husband have a degree from a university?


No, his highest level of education is high school. 
But, he's a senior manager at his workplace and I haven't even hit middle management in my career. And, he's aware that I have no interest in management yet. I'm at a place in my career where I actually enjoy physically doing the work and most management in my field tends to spend their days in meetings, not actually completing work and I'm not really interested in that at all right now...


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Cinnamon153 said:


> Thanks for your post. It definitely made me feel better to know that someone out there experiences exactly what I do. *I do feel like he tries to manipulate me, but it's hard for me to really know for sure because a manipulator will never actually admit that's what they are doing, so it's always me against him and it leaves me feeling like I'm crazy or not capable of perceiving things correctly. *
> 
> Regarding friends, family, other interests. No, he has a lot of family but does not talk or hang out with any other time than holidays. He hasn't spent time with friends by himself in....I don't even know how long. He has no interests outside of our home whatsoever (his interests revolve around his work (which he often does at home 'for fun'), doing things on the computer (not games, he likes designing things) and watching movies.
> 
> I on the other hand have many different interests and usually about once every 2-3 weeks I go out on a Saturday with my friends or my mom....



I wouldn't expect him to admit it to you. It's his view of the world as he see's it or wishes it to be. The fact you have no children and he's being taxed by your taking one class seems strange to me. He seems a bit immature. btw ,,, you're not crazy


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Cinnamon153 said:


> Does anybody have insights/opinions? Should I be feeling guilty? Am I putting him second?


Yes, I have an opinion.

Read this book.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Your spouse is NEVER a second priority. Ever.

The husband sounds like he's being selfish but your spouse is ALWAYS first. Even before kids. 

Your logic is precisely why many marriages bite the dust.



richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I was on the other side of this early in my relationship. It was really difficult for my wife to fully understand the demands of graduate school - in my field it involved crazy hours, emergency calls etc.
> 
> *The truth is that he IS your second priority until you finish school - and that is how it should be.* He will also be your second priority if you have children. This is because he is (or should be) a fully functional adult who can take care of him self when needed. School, jobs, children can place rigid demands on your life. Failure to meet those demands can have long lasting consequences.
> ...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I have to disagree. You have to consider the importance of what is being traded. Acting in a way that will cause you to fail in your education will affect you for the entire rest of your life.  That should not be traded against loosing some time for a couple of years with your spouse.

I nearly made that mistake and came very very close to failing out of graduate school because my wife thought it was taking too much of my time. My life, our lives would have been very different and very much worse if I had failed. 





jdawg2015 said:


> Your spouse is NEVER a second priority. Ever.
> 
> The husband sounds like he's being selfish but your spouse is ALWAYS first. Even before kids.
> 
> Your logic is precisely why many marriages bite the dust.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cinnamon153 said:


> No, his highest level of education is high school.


Is there any chance that he is bothered by you getting more education than him? He certainly seems to resent you taking classes. This could be part of it.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Is there any chance that he is bothered by you getting more education than him? He certainly seems to resent you taking classes. This could be part of it.


I agree. OP, when I was with my former abusive BF, he was SO JEALOUS of me. Jealous of my job, jealous of my new car, jealous of my friends, jealous that I could land a 2nd job so easily, JUST JEALOUS. He was threatened by me and my success with life. The sad thing is, I gave him every opportunity to go along with me for the ride. But his jealousy got in the way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Is there any chance that he is bothered by you getting more education than him? He certainly seems to resent you taking classes. This could be part of it.


My H was almost the exact same way. He WANTED me to get a degree (I worked full time and went to school at night). But he also wanted me at his side 24/7. Oh, and to also do all the housework and cooking and shopping...It was up to me to figure out how to manage it. 

So I ended up taking only one or two classes, being with him the rest of the time so he wouldn't complain, shopping on my lunch break, and cleaning after he went to bed. Just to keep him from griping at me and guilting me. It took me 15 years to get my degree instead of 7.

I gave up my friends because if I ever did anything with them, he'd criticize them so much that I gave them up just to stop hearing the crap and feeling bad. I gave up my family because every time I went to see them, he'd find a way to blame me for being 'selfish.' His favorite words against me were that he was working SO hard to take care of us while all I wanted to do was go 'gallivanting around.' Poor pitiful him.

It took me two different therapists over the years to understand I have the right to not have to be his 24/7 companion, as he basically brainwashed me to believe.

This isn't about him. He can TRY to control her all he wants, but it's up to her to realize she needs to find a balance that's healthy.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

OP, both my wife and I went back to grad school in our mid 30's, full time. While working part time at the university. While raising a baby and a toddler. Hardest four years of our lives. 

You do what needs to be done. If he has a problem now he will have lots more problems down the road.


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## creativejuices (Jan 30, 2016)

"Regarding friends, family, other interests. No, he has a lot of family but does not talk or hang out with any other time than holidays. He hasn't spent time with friends by himself in....I don't even know how long. He has no interests outside of our home whatsoever (his interests revolve around his work (which he often does at home 'for fun'), doing things on the computer (not games, he likes designing things) and watching movies."

Hi,

Forget everything else, this explains EVERYTHING. Your husband forgot what it's like to keep himself happy. He doesn't have his own interests, doesn't have a social life, his "fun" time is staying at home. He relies on you to keep him happy. That's unhealthy in any relationship. 

If he were single, he'd be the most miserable person in the world.

Your dude needs to go out and find himself a life so you can focus on studying as a FULL-TIME student. He's got too much idle time on his hands and expects you to fill it. Also, he better get used to it because as an accountant, your studying does not end upon graduating.

Yes, he should be your number one priority but he needs to respect your wishes to continue your studies which is personal growth that will benefit both of you in the long run. Hell, he should be DAMNED proud of you for committing yourself over the last 7 years... not many people can say they did that!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your husband is a spoiled baby who seems to be living his life in a tiny bubble, he expects you to stay in that bubble with him. He doesn't look at you as another person who has goals and independent thoughts, he looks at you as a possession that should cater to his every whim. 

He is jealous and insecure of anything you do out of his bubble, he is sabotaging your efforts by playing the victim and trying to make you feel guilty and conflicted. If he is torturing you emotionally over one class a semester do you think he is ever going to want you to work at a full time career? Or even a part time job? He sounds like a guy who wants to keep his wife barefoot and pregnant.

I would suggest you two together lay out a five and ten year plan, set goals and decide how to achieve them, create a wish list. Once you put that plan down on paper a couple of different things can happen. One is he will see what is trying to be accomplished and understand what is required to get there, he will see your ideas and possibly become more supportive because he can see the positive long term outcome. The second possibility is you will discover the two of you have very different ideas of how your future life should be, and sadly that can end up being a deal breaker but you need to know what his plan and expectations are.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

BirdieToldMe said:


> I think you definitely need to be direct about your feelings and talk about solutions. I would tell him *that you plan on going to school full-time from here on out (if that's financially feasible)* because it's RIDICULOUS to take one class per semester (if the only reason you're doing it is to pacify him). I agree you have a marriage to consider but he's being insane. Just remember that you teach people how to treat you. Be firm but you can still be loving.


I agree. Employers, B^stards that they are, may wonder if you are at all organized if you had to take only course per semester.

I'm assuming that the cost of the courses are coming out of the household budget. Ergo, any spouse with half a brain inside their head would be happy to see that you are taking these courses seriously. If your husband doesn't, you should reconsider his set of values.

One problem I see here is that he is engaging in pure manipulation. This type of stuff happens at all levels. For example, bosses who will slap an employee with an assignment that needs to be finished today when the employee is (rightfully) walking out the door for the day. 

When I was at university I was due to go to a conference. As I was leaving on Sunday from my home town, my father just had to have all of us go to church. And then he wanted to stay and hang around and talk to other people. Each time I reminded him about the flight schedule he got really angry with me. I did make the flight but I really do believe that my father was (subconsciously, at least) playing a game with me.

Don't be surprised when you give your husband everything that he asks for that he's still not happy and will accuse you of "no trying hard enough" to reach your goals and wasting money from the household budget.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

How much tme are we talking about? You work 37.5 hours a week plus the course, plus the homework to start. So what is that total. Now add sleeping, showering, commuting, etc. How much time does that leave for the two of you? Total up his hours and subtract them from your's. What's the difference ? 

Look, just because a person is an azzhole, doesn't mean their wrong about something being a problem. To be clear he could and should be more proactive in supporting you, but there are two of you. Let's look at the time management angle fir a sec.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

He is controlling, and hopes by dragging these classes out, you'll give up...and won't have the education you desire. He is intentionally trying to sabotage your education. Was he this insecure when you dated him?


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm assuming that the cost of the courses are coming out of the household budget. Ergo, any spouse with half a brain inside their head would be happy to see that you are taking these courses seriously. If your husband doesn't, you should reconsider his set of values.
> 
> One problem I see here is that he is engaging in pure manipulation. This type of stuff happens at all levels. For example, bosses who will slap an employee with an assignment that needs to be finished today when the employee is (rightfully) walking out the door for the day.


Hi Everyone, 

Thanks for your insights. The majority of posts lean towards him being manipulative, which really scares me. I feel like he's become more and more like this the longer we've been together (we're going on 11 years now). I wish I could pinpoint the change, but it's been really slow and I'm really starting to second guess the quality of our relationship. The more and more I look at it, the more and more one-sided it feels. I feel as though I'm giving everything and he's taking everything...

My education is paid for by my employer, so no, expenses are not coming out of the household budget. And regardless, even if they were, it wouldn't matter because our money is separate. We transfer money from our personal accounts into a household account based on how much we make. We currently make about the same amount of money, so we transfer equal amounts and the rest of the money I make is mine to do with as I please (same goes for him). So, if my employer wasn't paying for it, I would be paying for it personally anyways. 

I know that EleGirl suggested he could be bothered/intimidated by the fact that I'm receiving more education than he is, and I agree that could be an issue but if that is the case, I really have no idea how to solve that....is it my responsibility to solve his insecurities? 

Thanks


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Does any of this ring true?


> 1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.
> 
> 2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
> 
> ...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

NO it is not your responsibility. Get your education, you may need it one day. There is NO reason he should not support you in this.


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

turnera said:


> Does any of this ring true?





turnera said:


> Does any of this ring true?


1. No
2. Yes
3. Yes
4. I can think of a couple of times this has happened
5. Definitely yes to treating me like a child 
6. Yes
7. I don't feel like I need permission, but I feel like it's a 50/50 shot he'll be 'happy' about it
8. No
9. Yes
10. Yes
11. Yes
12. Not regularly....but yes....
13. Yes
14. Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen him laugh at himself
15. Yes
16. Yes (it's usually my fault or I'm not interpreting something correctly in his opinion)
17. No
18. Maybe....that reminded me of another post I made about how he blamed me for not getting an interview call because I didn't go to the managers of the department and talk him up....
19. No
20. No
21. Yes
22. Sometimes he's really cold
23. Definitely
24. No
25. Yes
26. Yes, he's always talking about the 'team' and how marriage is 2 people making 1 person. I've never liked that analogy at all. To me marriage is 2 people coming together to share their lives, but they are still 2 very distinct people. 
27. No
28. I don't know....
29. Yes. Any time I say that he's done something to hurt me he's like "Why would I want to hurt you? Why would someone you love hurt you? Why would you be with someone like that? So, maybe you're just taking it the wrong way."
30. No

So, I don't identify with the whole list but I'm assuming that since I said yes to ANY of those, that's not a good thing.... 
What do these things indicate?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Emotional abuse.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Cinnamon153 said:


> So, I don't identify with the whole list but I'm assuming that since I said yes to ANY of those, that's not a good thing....
> What do these things indicate?


You answered yes to over 2/3 of them. That's significant. Maybe you should rethink the health of your marriage. It doesn't sound like you are being treated well or that he has your back.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I agree with @frusdil
What will happen when you have kids and he won't always be the center of attention.
Sometimes there are other things that take priority...screaming baby and school projects.
He's ridiculous. He need to learn how to compromise or else when kids come along this'll get worse. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

@Cinnamon153, if you haven't guessed already, half of the people responding are projecting their own internal issues onto your situation, the other 4/5 are responding to that. It's the remaining 1/5 that are giving you decent advice.

I'd listen to @Relationship Teacher. There's some good advice there.

I wouldn't board the "OMFG He's Abusive! RUUUUN!" train just yet.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Cinnamon153 said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> I need some help understanding something.
> I'm currently in school. I take 1 course per semester because my husband doesn't like it if I take more because I am not able to spend as much time with him, etc. I've currently been in school for about 7 years now because my degree is 40 classes and taking 1 semester really draws it out. I've still got 12 to go....
> ...


Your husband is a spoiled brat. Start treating him like the child he is-- by ignoring his pouting. You don't let your children make you feel guilty do you?


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## zzzman99 (Oct 23, 2015)

OR...

She does put him second and he gets sick of it. Funny how no one came to that conclusion.

Since we don't have his perspective on it, I guess we are not going to know that. 

So, If you are continually putting him second, then you have an issue. But you have to look at yourself very truthfully. If you are not, then He would seem to have an issue. But the abuser stuff is quite a stretch.

MRHappyHat is correct. Alot of people commenting are real quick to jump to conclusions that don't seem very helpful.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Having a good idea of what the problem is opens up a way to resolve the problem. On an evaluation of abuse, you scored very high. It is likely that your husband is emotionally abusive. Now is time to start doing some research and finding solutions. People are emotionally abusive for a reason. If you learn not to get sucked into it and how to respond in a healthy manner things will either change for worse or for better. They won't stay the same, because you will change your approach. Here's a start: http://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-D...r=8-1&keywords=emotional+abuse+leslie+vernick, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope, by Leslie Vernick


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> He is controlling, and hopes by dragging these classes out, you'll give up...and won't have the education you desire. He is intentionally trying to sabotage your education. Was he this insecure when you dated him?


THIS! Nail on the head.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One of the most common things, if not THE most common thing, an abuser does is isolate you. He does this by controlling your access to money (no education = no money of your own), and your access to support by making life miserable when you stay in touch with your family and friends so much that you give them all up just to avoid the criticism and crap. If he's not doing these things, maybe he's just scatter-brained. But scoring so high on that test is not a good sign.


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