# Finances, career, not really going anywhere



## amontobin (Jul 23, 2014)

Hello All,

I'm in a huge dilemma recently. I got married and have been living with my wife for about 4 months now.

There is one problem that bothers me a lot. She isn't working or doing anything about her career at all. Before we got married she was not living in Canada, wages in her country were too low, which I justified as a good enough reason to not work if she didn't want to. Since we started living together, she has been procrastinating and basically showing no progress whatsoever. Having said that, she seems like a good wife, cooks well and puts order in the house. She is after all a good person, family oriented, and loving. I like that... however, I didn't plan on being the only provider when it comes to money. I make reasonable amount of money (75k with benefits) so I never really complained, but all of the sudden I feel poorer.

We've had these conversation several times, and I feel like I'm putting a lot of pressure on her. I am, however, pretty hard working and I expect her to pull some of the weight too. If not work as hard as I do, she has at least to be able to pull her own weight.

Initially this was out of control. I gave her my credit card to use it if she really needs it. She started shopping, groceries, having lunch and drinks with friends. No, no, no, absolutely not. So after few conversations we trimmed her expenses to minimum. Now things are more reasonable, but she still doesn't have a vision or a sense of saving, buying a home, so that we can somehow financially prosper and have something to show for ourselves. In other words, I have to do that AND carry her weight too: pay for all the bills, groceries, dinners, drinks, shows, and soon enough she's going to need to go shopping (at which point I'm going to completely flip out).

I feel I'm doing all the work and she's enjoying the summer, taking things easy. It doesn't feel fair at all, and as a result I feel unhappy, overworked, unable to find enough time to enjoy myself. I've gotten fatter as a result (and her too btw!). My confidence with friends has dropped significantly because now I'm being tighter with money, have expenses to take care of, and not really proud of the fact that my wife is not doing anything... Most importantly, I am submitted to work. I can't take time off and say I want a break this summer. I have more bills to pay!

To make this more complicated, her parents are in town (she has family here too) which is another reason for her to avoid focusing on work/career. It's my nightmare to have in-laws in my apartment for the month of August.

I believe this is now beyond a money issue. I want to see some progress, but I'm not seeing ANY light at the end of the tunnel.

Maybe I'm not being fair or slightly rough on her, but sometimes I feel I could have more fun being single than being in this type of marriage. I mean... Is this how marriage is supposed to feel? Am I being taken for a looong ride?

What should I do?

Should I give her an ultimatum? Give her a timeline by which she has to figure her stuff out, otherwise she's out? I am not confident that she will be able to pull it off, which is why I'm thinking I should try to help her. Problem: I just cannot help her if she's doesn't change after our several conversations we had about this. Divorce would absolutely crush her, but maybe this just needs to happen to give us a chance start a new way of living?

I suggested marriage counselling and if she can help looking into this. She hasn't even looked at it. Maybe she thinks that things got better.

Feedback on this would be very welcome.

How do other people make this work? There is a saying that billionaires become millionaires by just getting married, but I'm curious how do other people make this work?


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

amontobin said:


> Hello All,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Where is she from? Cultural differences could be the problem. 
Think carefully about her good traits and money. Which one is more important? Are you going to be happy without her? 
Your wife cooks and puts order in the house. Without her, you may have to cook by yourself, do laundry, and clean the house by yourself. You may have to pay money to eat out. Everything comes with a price.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

amontobin said:


> Maybe I'm not being fair or slightly rough on her ..


No. You didn't both agree to her being a house-wife, and she's able to work, so in my opinion there's nothing more to this other than she needs to get a job or study. 

There was no mention of children so again, I think the 'running of the house' would be pretty minimal and easily fit in with working a job. 

The biggest issue though, is that she's neglecting to see how this is affecting you. That resentment and concern for finances is building. I don't know what the solution is. I do validate your concern though.

When you have discussed it before, are you straight down the line with expressing your expectation of her and the marriage? Ask her why she hasn't looked into a marriage counsellor and then perhaps book one for yourself.

Is cultural differences at play? Has she worked before, when she was single?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sounds like you guys didn't really get to know each other before getting married, nor have some of the conversations you should have had about life plans, goals, etc. And now you're stuck in an uncomfortable situation. Bummer!

But now you have to have those conversations. Perhaps some financial counselling is in order, as well as marriage counselling. Have you done a budget to see where your extra expenses are each month?

But I'm puzzled by some of the things you've said as stressors. When you were on your own, you still had to work, pay all your bills, keep the house clean, cook, etc. Now, you have someone who (hopefully) takes the load off with the home side of things. Why don't you have more free time than before? And frankly, I've never understood people who list "pay bills" as the things they do at home. All my "bills" are either set up to come out of my account automatically each month, or they're paid when I buy something. The days of sitting down with a stack of paper once a week and a check book are long gone...

You also mention having to work more now to make money, or not being able to take time off because you can't afford it. Are you in Canada? Are you a salaried employee, or hourly? Do you not get paid vacation time? The reason I ask is because in my experience, at 75k a year, that's likely a salaried position, which means working more doesn't mean any more money at the end of the month. And it means paid holidays.

How much ARE you working? How much time do you spend "dating" your wife now that she's here? And dates don't have to involve spending money. Just time together.

C


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Amontobin,

You need to man up and stop treating your wife like a profit-center.

You need to provide the lion's share of the income, especially if you want children.

A true man provides 100% for his family, allowing the wife to attend to the children until they're in grade school.

Any man that whimpers about his wife not providing more income is a man that cannot afford a family, and I call these men Girlie-men.

Step up and provide.

PROVIDE!


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Walter, really? Heck, I must not know many "real man," as most of the women I know work. Your thinking is old fashioned. The OP has the right to expect his wife to contribute financially. 

OP, has your wife ever worked? Does she have an education or experience?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

tennisstar said:


> Walter, really? Heck, I must not know many "real man," as most of the women I know work. Your thinking is old fashioned. The OP has the right to expect his wife to contribute financially.
> 
> OP, has your wife ever worked? Does she have an education or experience?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If being a real stand up guy, great provider old fashioned, then I plead guilty.

My wife never had to work because I brought home what it takes to support a family.

The reason most women work is because she and the hubby want luxuries like expensive cars, homes that are too big, and $300/month Starbucks habits....the children are raised by strangers and the media.

True these days it is ok to be materialistic...it's the new normal, and besides, everyone else is doing it, right?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WalterWhite said:


> If being a real stand up guy, great provider old fashioned, then I plead guilty.
> 
> My wife never had to work because I brought home what it takes to support a family.
> 
> ...


A lot of women are smart enough to know that having a career is wise because you never know when life is going to throw you a curve ball. So you and your wife were lucky. Nothing ever happened to you so that she had to support you and the kids.. Good for you. Putting others down because they feel it's important for both adults to share in all aspects of taking care of the family is wrong.


.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

amontobin,

Does your wife have a language barrier issue?

Does she have the education/training to be able to earn much income?

Does she have any work experience?

One thing that I noticed in your post is that you do not mention anything about you loving her. How long did you know her before you married her? Is this an arranged marriage?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I worked until we had kids. Dh has supported us ever since.

Men seem to go one of two ways with this, and you and Walter illustrate that.

If you want to give an ultimatum, now is the time, before children.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> A lot of women are smart enough to know that having a career is wise because you never know when life is going to throw you a curve ball. So you and your wife were lucky. Nothing ever happened to you so that she had to support you and the kids.. Good for you. Putting others down because they feel it's important for both adults to share in all aspects of taking care of the family is wrong.
> 
> 
> .


I am admonishing him for whining and I do it in the hope he will think enough of his future children to not force their mom to work, which will keep her away from their children.

The way the OP is acting, I fear he will be letting his future kids down.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WalterWhite said:


> I am admonishing him for whining and I do it in the hope he will think enough of his future children to not force their mom to work, which will keep her away from their children.
> 
> The way the OP is acting, I fear he will be letting his future kids down.


I agree that he's got some issues.

But you post was a very big putdown to women who work. It's not a frivolous choice just to get stuff.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

WalterWhite said:


> If being a real stand up guy, great provider old fashioned, then I plead guilty.
> 
> My wife never had to work because I brought home what it takes to support a family.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I didn't quote correctly. Basically, I wad saying women only work if they are materialistic argument is really not valid for most working women. I certainly don't live in a big house or drive an expensive car. Most working women I know work to pay their bills.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

'Aint nothing going on but the rent...' 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

WalterWhite said:


> I am admonishing him for whining and I do it in the hope he will think enough of his future children to not force their mom to work, which will keep her away from their children.
> 
> 
> 
> The way the OP is acting, I fear he will be letting his future kids down.



She doesn't have kids. Can you explain how she will let her FUTURE kids down if she works NOW while she's childless?


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Exactly what I thought...they don't even have children yet!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> The reason most women work is because she and the hubby want luxuries like expensive cars, homes that are too big, and $300/month Starbucks habits....the children are raised by strangers and the media.


I love feeling damned if I do and damned if I don't. If you are a woman and mention financial problems the guaranteed first question is - "Do you even work?" If you work, then others will say you only work because you want to spend $300 on Starbucks and have an expensive car. 

I was a SAHM and went to working three jobs. We have $10,000 + in medical bills. I drive a 13 year old Ford Taurus station wagon, we live four people in a 2 bedroom apartment, and I hate coffee. 

Thanks for assuming a lot, though.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Hey, could it be your husband is a loser? That could be why you need to work so many jobs and live in squaler.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP

Your wife is being financially negligent.

It's time for you to put the hammer down. Tell her you are paying 1/2 the expenses and it's her responsibility to cover her half.

Keep your money SEPARATE!!!

If she can't pay for her half, move and live separate as well....or better yet, end this relationship.

She is taking advantage of you financially and being LAZY.

With actions she is telling you the opposite of love......


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Sit down with her and go through ALL of your finances together. Bills, car payments, insurance payments, rent/mortgage, taxes, everything. Make her face the reality of your financial situation and that you can't afford to support the both of you. Show her that you are unable to put anything into savings, so if something bad happens, you'll go into a deep financial hole. Then make a budget, and show her that you will NEVER be able to afford a house or kids or any of your other dreams and plans unless she works now.

It's time for her to grow up and realize that she can't get a free ride and needs to contribute or she'll end up broke and divorced.


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## Bob Davis (Nov 5, 2014)

norajane said:


> Sit down with her and go through ALL of your finances together. Bills, car payments, insurance payments, rent/mortgage, taxes, everything. Make her face the reality of your financial situation and that you can't afford to support the both of you. Show her that you are unable to put anything into savings, so if something bad happens, you'll go into a deep financial hole. Then make a budget, and show her that you will NEVER be able to afford a house or kids or any of your other dreams and plans unless she works now.
> 
> It's time for her to grow up and realize that she can't get a free ride and needs to contribute or she'll end up broke and divorced.



Great points. I assume she's from a different country than Canada, she likely comes from a much different culture. She may think that she's rich beyond dreams living in Canada, as compared to her home country. But the reality of living in the West is that it takes a lot of money to support the dream. She may not realize this. Taking the steps above will give her some reality to work with.


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