# What's wrong with me?



## eternal_optimist (May 30, 2012)

So after 13 years, I finally decide I've had enough of my hubby's controlling behavior and emotional outbursts. I've been in IC since he refuses to come with me. Last week, he says he knows he's been unbearable at times and wants to work on it. After a good discussion about it, I asked him again to consider marriage counseling. The end result was me leaving to give him time to cool down and him saying we're done and that he'd be gone when I got back.

Sitting there alone at the coffee shop, thinking it's over, I didn't cry. I almost felt relieved. Maybe I was in shock, I don't know. When I got home, he was there asleep. He woke up and we had a great conversation like real adults. The kind of marriage-building discussion we should be having all the time, but don't because I'm afraid to bring up sensitive topics with him. The weekend was mostly great, but he did snap at me a couple times - once in public. 

At thist point, I don't think things can or will ever truly change. And yet the thought of us not being together makes me physically ill. The weirdest part is that I keep thinking I would love for him to be happy and be with someone who makes him happy, even if that person is not me, and the thought of him being with someone else doesn't upset me. I think it's time to make a decision about my future, but I'm not ready to let go. Why do I want to be with someone I'm not in love with and who treats me this way?


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

well, nothing is wrong with you. You are moving ahead with your life, and starting to think about the difficult questions instead of hiding from them. 

Sucks, don't it? 

This is why counseling is hard, it makes us face up to what we are doing. I think you need to listen to that little voice of relief -- what's it telling you?

Anyway, I am very proud of you -- you may not be ready to let go yet, but I think you are getting there. That's what's making you physically ill...change is really scary. So keep up with the IC and I do hope you keep posting.


----------

