# Selfish, Ignorant, husband needs advice



## dvanheck (May 19, 2012)

1st I am 43 yrs old and have a long history of bad relationships/marriages. I have been engaged to be married 4 times and married 3 times. I have just realized (3 days ago) I have many problems that has stemmed from when I was 23. And I never thought it was anything I did that was wrong (basic ignorance). I have drank alcohol for all them years but never thought I had a problem. I have been addicted to porn but thought I could always justify it because my wife didn't want to have sex with me. I never learned how to be a husband because I thought I had to portray the big tough ass biker image. Problem was I acted like that at home as well. It took a post on face book from one of my wife's friends (which I have never met)on one of my wife's posts to wake me up to realize my problems. Hearing it from my wives never registered in my head because I thought I never did any thing wrong and always thought they were just nagging. My wife left me 3 weeks ago tomorrow (the FB post was a week ago). I started counseling this week and have since been to counseling twice for all my problems including depression. Tomorrow I go to my 1st AA meeting to quit drinking and haven't had alcohol in the last 3 days. The week before she left she still was telling me how much she loved me. Since she has left she won't say she still loves me and does not acknowledge most of my attempts to talk. And when we do talk I find myself begging for forgiveness and asking for one last chance.

I am not worried about my problems because one of my traits also is stubbornness. I am determined to quit drinking, and kick the porn addiction. I am going to stay with counseling for the rest of my life if that is what it requires. I am not doing this for my wife but for myself. My wife doesn't know I am on this site.

She is the LOVE of my LIFE but I did not treat her as such. What do I do, 1) Do I keep attempting to make contact with her? 2)and when I do talk to her how do I keep from begging?

Oh and that is probably the biggest complaint is that I am controlling. Which I was and is part of my couseling. That is why I am asking the question above.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Good on you...you've learnt alot about yourself recently and change is so difficult. Stick with AA... for yourself first.

I would ask her to meet up with you to discuss what happening...you do deserve to know that.

If she is at all keen to work on the marriage ask her what you can do to show here your moving in the right direction.

Do whatever she asks.

Tell how much you love and miss her.

I wouldn't pester her but don't let her get used to life without you either.

But if she tell you to p!ss off...you have to respect that too.

Best of luck with you sobriety and your relationship.


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

That is really awesome!! I love AA. Best thing I ever did. Just remember that she WILL want and respect you more the more you are cool and calm and show her progress instead of just begging for her back, like you probably have a few times before. I know, I am the beggar sometimes, and I just think, what if I was being begged like this. It is trying to get them to make a decision that is not in their best interest, but in yours because you really, really want it. So you have to show her that you really, really want to be married to her and love her and that is just by being the best possible man you can be, which it sounds like yu are on your way to becoming. Now, I said AA was the best thing I ever did, but it was also the hardest. Stick with it though and the pay off is beyond wonderful


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Like others have said, stick with AA... just keep away from porn if you've become addicted to it in the past. You might have a personality that easily becomes fixated/addicted to things. Just try not to pick up any new vices while shrugging off the old ones.

As for your wife. I'd recommend writing her letters (preferably by hand). That way she can read/respond to them in her own timing. Just be 100% honest and pour your heart out into those letters. Keep writing even if she doesn't write back. Don't write everyday... I'd say 1-2x/week is enough.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think that you have to understand that she won't believe it at first. Talk is cheap, it will take time for her to see real changes. Work on yourself, keep in touch with her if she allows it...tell her what you are doing and tell her that you know it takes time to trust that you are committed and that you love her, want her, and want to be the best man that you can be for her.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I hope you know that there are porn addiction counselors and porn addiction support groups out there. You may be surprised after being off porn for a while that your sexuality is enhanced. Porn and masturbation can lead to ED even in very very young men. Viagra doesn't work for them because the problem isn't physiological. This is verbotten to say to a man but half of porn addiction is a too-heavy reliance on masturbation. You need an expert's guidance to handle that tricky issue.

Right now, don't worry so much about whether or not your wife is saying "I love you." Work on yourself, you have only just started. Having quit alcohol just 3 days ago, she isn't going to suddenly come rushing back. She figured out somewhere along the way that she was enabling your behaviors and it is going to take a very long time to rebuild her trust in you. Concentrating on her, an independent person who you cannot control, is just a way to not face your very real problems. Focus with a laser beam on the parts of your life that are in your control.

If you need to say something, maybe write her a letter (as I see has already been suggested). Speak from the heart. Tell her you are changing for yourself whether she sticks around, or not. But that she is the love of your life and that if she can find it in her heart to forgive you, someday, eventually, many months down the road or more, you hope to have turned into the husband she deserves. Explain that you wish to remain in contact and that if you are ever silent it's not due to lack of love but because you are working so hard on your issues. And then leave it at that for now.


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## dvanheck (May 19, 2012)

Thanks for all the advice you guys posted here.

I have not had alcohol or have watched porn for 10 days and haven't had the urge too either. So that part I am succeeding at.

But we have been talking on the phone almost every day for the last two weeks. I don't see any progression in our marriage other then we our talking to each other. In fact it seems to me that it is progressing the wrong way. She has already mentioned that she will probably never move back. That she wants to concentrate on being a grandmother. She also has moved in with her best girl friend 200 miles away. 

Her best friend is also divorced and has a trust issue with men. She keeps my wife busy with jobs around her house. I believe she is trying to keep my wife's mind off of me. That way my wife doesn't have to think about us. And that eventually any feelings she does have for me will subside. 

I have written several letters to her with no response what so ever. All the letters have concentrated on the fact I am doing instead of saying. That I am willing to do whatever it takes to work on a better me and marriage. After our phone talks I tell her I love her but with no response other then to end the talk with "later" which is her way of saying good bye.

So at this point I feel that everything is stacked against me. I am tempted at this point to let her go so that I don't feel I am bugging her, not that I don't love her.. That she is moving on and that I need to let her move on. 

Any advice?


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## SPRelationshipCounselling (May 23, 2012)

*Controlling Behaviour - Being Stubborn*

There's a great book called,'Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. If you read it you can see if you recognise you have any of the controlling behaviors mentioned.
For example it's good to notice if your focus is on,'What she does and how that makes you feel', rather than on 'What you do,and how they makes her feel'


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