# Advice needed - POSOM just sent me an email



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Hello friends.

Some of you know my story. Wife had at least a 1 1/2 year affair...EA/PA. The usual story...Lied, denied, blame-shifted, rug swept...etc. I finally got the prof I needed...from POSOM's wife. I Stayed for over a year in false R (she did nothing to help) I finally filed for Divorce after she still claimed she didn't know what she wanted. Our divorce will be final in 3 weeks. We just told the kids this weekend. I have been disconnecting from STBXWW and emotionally moving on as best I can.

Out of the blue, (today) POSOM set me an email that says:

*"I think it's time you and I have a talk. I owe it to you."*

My blood pressure went through the roof as soon as I saw the message in my inbox. 

What are his motives? Should I respond? What good could possibly come of a conversation? Will a conversation with this POS set me back emotionally? What does he want? Is he looking to let go of guilt...WTH???

I am filled with reservations about responding...I would much rather beat him to a pulp!

*My question to you is: What should I do...what would you do?*


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds like he feels guilty and wants you to 'forgive' him.

If I was at the stage you are, I'd tell him to go to hell. Why does he even have your email address??

Is he still with his wife? Or yours? Or both?


----------



## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Whatever he has to say if for his benefit, not yours. 

Why give him that? Screw him (as it were.) Let him stew.


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I hear POSOM is getting divorced from his wife. I think it is final this month as well.

I don't know if STBXWW and him are still seeing/talking. I gave up being a detective after I filed for divorce. She claims no but she is not capable of telling the truth when it comes to this clown.


----------



## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Unless you are ready to go to jail, ignore him. He doesn't owe you anything, and you certainly shouldn't help ease his conscience.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Decimated said:


> I hear POSOM is getting divorced from his wife. I think it is final this month as well.
> 
> I don't know if STBXWW and him are still seeing/talking. I gave up being a detective after I filed for divorce. She claims no but she is not capable of telling the truth when it comes to this clown.


Block his email address. There is no reason to communicate with him.


----------



## HusbandX (Jul 13, 2012)

Edited: I see he is going through a divorce too, so my original message is invalid. Ignore him, rise above it.


----------



## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

UGH!!

I got a fb friend request from the xH of the OW the other day (Friday), it made me want to throw my guts up. I was sick all day over it. I finally sent an email said "something up, havent heard from you in a while". He never responded. Leads me to believe he just wanted to creep on my facebook to see if my life was going well but I was worried he had more "bad news" for me.

Anyway, if you are steadfast on your way to recovering from this BS then I wouldnt even give him the time of day. I would simply respond to his email and tell him that it really doesnt matter at this point but you want to acknowledge that you got the email from him, or something like that. OR you could just delete it like it never existed. Im guessing, as the others stated that he is not doing it for you, its for his own selfish reasons!

Sorry for the bump in the road!


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sarcasm - Sure buddy how about lets go play some golf or go to the batting cages or go trap shooting.

My gut reaction is hell no but I would wonder if he has any info that may change they way I deal with my kids and the stbxw.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Did you ever speak with him? Did you ever have an opportunity to tell him what you think of him? If not - maybe now is your chance.

If you've already said your piece - just ignore.

He's feeling guilty and wants to make amends or explain himself.

If it was me, I would speak with him and tell him, in no uncertain terms what I think about him. I would take all of the guilt he is feeling and make him feel worse. 

Whatever you do, don't get emotional. Stay cool and calm as you tell the guy what you really think of him and the unvarnished truth about the consequences of his fcking around with a married woman. The calmer you can be, the better.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Nothing good can come of communication with OM. Not for you anyway.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I would be very tempted to meet with the guy and see what he has to say. But I know the best advice is what others are telling you.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Really don't see the point myself. Can you think of ANY good could possibly come of it?


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Meet him at a public place if you want to
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## raging_pain (Dec 8, 2012)

don't do it mate.. delete the email, block his address

i can feel your rage where i am sitting, and your temptation to maybe allow a situation to occur where you could vent at(or better yet beat the **** out of) him... 

just. ignore. him. the only thing that's 'owed' to anyone is you owe him a knuckle sandwich.. but it's not worth going to jail for. even though it feels like it is. lol.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Decimated said:


> Hello friends.
> 
> Some of you know my story. Wife had at least a 1 1/2 year affair...EA/PA. The usual story...Lied, denied, blame-shifted, rug swept...etc. I finally got the prof I needed...from POSOM's wife. I Stayed for over a year in false R (she did nothing to help) I finally filed for Divorce after she still claimed she didn't know what she wanted. Our divorce will be final in 3 weeks. We just told the kids this weekend. I have been disconnecting from STBXWW and emotionally moving on as best I can.
> 
> ...


Must be a full moon or something, because ironically one of the OW in my STBXH's life contacted me this weekend. 

What should you do? Absolutely nothing. You owe him nothing. You don't even owe him the courtesy of hearing him out. You don't even owe him the courtesy of a reply. Whatever is on his mind, is his own burden to carry. Not your problem. Time to move on. Nothing to see here.

I probably should have taken the above advice, but I'm not so nice. So, I responded to the OW. I was able to trick her into revealing her particular involvement in my marriage, in writing, which helps my case against my STBXH. Then I blasted her a new one and referred her to my attorney if she had anything additional to say. Tossed out like yesterday's trash. 

Whatever you do, keep it legal (no fist fights allowed). Pick a scenario that helps you and you alone. The AP is unworthy (but can be kind of fun to kick around a bit - figuratively speaking, of course).


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Decimated said:


> Hello friends.
> 
> Some of you know my story. Wife had at least a 1 1/2 year affair...EA/PA. The usual story...Lied, denied, blame-shifted, rug swept...etc. I finally got the prof I needed...from POSOM's wife. I Stayed for over a year in false R (she did nothing to help) I finally filed for Divorce after she still claimed she didn't know what she wanted. Our divorce will be final in 3 weeks. We just told the kids this weekend. I have been disconnecting from STBXWW and emotionally moving on as best I can.
> 
> ...


Invite him to go hunting with you. Tell him to wear a fur coat.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

My problem, and maybe it's just me. But once you think or question whether you should - you have to do it. If NOT speaking with him was THE answer, then you would not be asking for advice.

That's why I contacted the POSOM in my case (ETA - by email because the guy wouldn't call me) - after obsessing about it for a couple of week's after DDAY2. Keep in mind - this was THREE years after the PA had ended - but my wife had just confessed - so it was fresh in my mind.

Was it satisfying? Not really. But I'm glad I did it, just to close that question. It HAS helped me to move on, because the guy was such an immature jerk about it (denying, blaming, dodging like a child) that it made the whole EA/PA easier to get over. If my stbxw was SO stupid as to throw away her marriage for this POS, then I was better off without her.

But I see you're already way ahead of me in moving on via divorce - so maybe the advice of others is more relevant and appropriate.


----------



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

mahike said:


> Sarcasm - Sure buddy how about lets go play some golf or go to the batting cages or go trap shooting.
> 
> *My gut reaction is hell no but I would wonder if he has any info that may change they way I deal with my kids and the stbxw.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> That last part....I would wonder. I would not talk. I would keep it email. If he sends garbage about feeling bad, stop reading and delete. If it has something that may indicate he will be running into you in the future, you might want to know. Either way, emails give you hard evidence to hold onto if you ever need it.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bfree said:


> Invite him to go hunting with you. Tell him to wear a fur coat.


Do a **** cheney
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> UGH!!
> 
> *I got a fb friend request from the xH of the OW the other day (Friday),* it made me want to throw my guts up. I was sick all day over it. I finally sent an email said "something up, havent heard from you in a while". He never responded. Leads me to believe he just wanted to creep on my facebook to see if my life was going well but I was worried he had more "bad news" for me.
> 
> ...



You too? Sheesh, was it a full moon this weekend? Did all the APs and related people hold a meeting together and decide to contact all the BSs for some closure/confrontation/confession?

Wow!


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

I wouldn't respond at all. Also, I would not tell your WW about the email. I'm thinking she may be aware that he is going to contact you and wants to gauge your reaction. Instead, watch for hers when you don't even acknowledge it.

One more thing, did you tell the kids exactly why you are divorcing and just who the POSOM is my name?


----------



## raging_pain (Dec 8, 2012)

3putt said:


> One more thing, did you tell the kids exactly why you are divorcing and just who the POSOM is my name?


be careful of this... i have recently spent a great deal of time deliberating this very issue, and have come to the conclusion that it does more harm to the kids than anything else. unless they're nigh-adults, they don't need to know the exact reason why.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

raging_pain said:


> be careful of this... i have recently spent a great deal of time deliberating this very issue, and have come to the conclusion that it does more harm to the kids than anything else. unless they're nigh-adults, they don't need to know the exact reason why.


Infidelity:
The Lessons Children Learn

by Jennifer Harley Chalmers, Ph.D.


When a parent has an affair what lessons are being taught to the children? What rules of life are being learned? 
Julie was a happy-go-lucky eight-year old. She was at the top of her 3rd grade class, loved playing with her friends, riding her bike, and drawing. Her parents loved her and she loved them. 

One day after school mom introduced Julie to two girls who were close to Julie's age. Mom said that she was taking care of them for a friend named Josh. Julie enjoyed playing with the girls and looked forward to them coming again. 

In fact they would come over quite often with their dad. But it was only when Julie's dad was out of town. Sometimes Josh stayed late -- long after Julie had gone to sleep. 

One day dad came home from his trip. As he was hugging Julie he asked, "How is my princess? What did you do while I was away?" Julie started telling him about the new puppy that "Uncle Josh" brought to the house. Dad knew that mom had been helping someone with child care, but when he heard it was "Uncle Josh" he became a little suspicious. 

"How often do you see Uncle Josh?" he asked. With a smile Julie said, "Oh, he comes over every day to help mom when you're gone." Mom looked at Julie with a stern face. But Julie didn't understand why she was becoming upset. Her dad started asking her mom questions and their voices became louder and louder. Julie was sent to her room. 

As Julie listened outside, her door she heard her mom say, "Josh is just a friend. Aren't I allowed to have friends. Why do you have to be so jealous? Don't you trust me?" Julie finally heard her mom say that she would never see Josh again if that's what her dad really wanted. 

After a couple days, mom and dad started talking to each other and mom and dad seemed happy again. They all returned to their routine of life and Julie started to forget about that horrible night. 

But the next time dad went on a trip, mom did not keep her promise. She told Julie that the babysitter will be taking care of her that night. But mom wouldn't tell Julie where she was going. As mom left the house she saw Josh help mom into his car. "Why is mom seeing Josh when she promised never to see him again?" Julie asked herself. 

When dad returned, mom lied to him. When he asked her if she had seen Josh while he was gone she said, "No." But dad pursued the subject and continued to ask her what she did. Finally she said, "I can't take this invasion of privacy" and that her life was "none of his business." She got up, started to pack her suitcase and gave Julie a kiss with the promise to see her tomorrow. She left that night leaving Julie feeling abandoned by her mother. 

Julie didn't understand what had happened. She thought it was her fault -- maybe she had done something to make mom leave and cause this terrible punishment. She cried inconsolably. Dad tried to soothe Julie but nothing helped. She cried herself to sleep. 

The next morning Julie went to school but did not say a word. Her teacher asked what was wrong, but Julie wouldn't respond. Her eyes just filled with tears. 

When Julie saw her mom she cried and pleaded for her to come home. Julie promised to clean her room every day and wash and dry the dishes. But nothing worked. Mom didn't come home. 

After a month mom changed her mind. Julie was so excited when she heard the good news. But her happiness turned to despair when she was told that her mom had forced her dad to move away so she could come home. 

Julie had come to trust and depend on her dad in the last month and appreciated him more than she ever had in the past. Now she was about to lose a parent she loved and trusted all over again. 

These experiences were only the beginning for Julie. In the months to come mom and dad would unknowingly teach Julie more lessons about life. 

Children learn from their parents. In fact parents are the most influential guides in a child's life. Many will see their mannerisms and phrases being used by their child. But parents are more than models for mannerisms and phrases. They are models for crucial aspects of life: a work ethic, intimate relationships, friendships, domestic skills, communication, and problem-solving skills. Lessons about life are being taught when a parent has an affair -- lessons that they usually don't want their child to learn. 

The first lesson a child learns is, 
How to deal with emotional pain. 

Children whose parents are experiencing marital conflict feel many emotions -- guilt, confusion, loneliness, sadness, fear, worry, abandonment, and many other excruciating feelings. When a child is losing the security base of a strong marriage they are bombarded with pain. 

So how is a child supposed to soothe their pain and the feeling of helplessness? And how does a child gain control in an uncontrollable situation? Out of the need to defend against these uncomfortable feelings comes a new rule about life -- 
If a problem arises it is better to deny that there is a problem than to face it and feel the pain. 

Julie came to believe this rule. She would think, 
"This is how married people lived. Nothing was wrong about this situation. There really isn't a problem here. Just look the other way." 

A child can defend themselves from the bombardment of emotional pain through the defenses of denial and justification. 

But this new rule did not help teach Julie how to solve crucial problems that would face her later in life. Instead of facing and solving those problems, she would deny their very existence and look the other way as it would grow and eventually overwhelm her. 

Julie was also being taught a second lesson, 
How to lie. 

In order to maintain a secret second life, wayward spouses need to keep up the deceit. After Julie started living with her mom, she was asked not to talk to dad about Josh. She was further instructed to tell dad that she hadn't seen him. Mom explained that it is better that dad just doesn't know "because we don't want to make him upset." Julie remembered how upset dad was when he found out about Josh. She didn't want him to get angry at mom. So with this newly learned habit of lying for mom, came a second rule about life -- 
Lying is allowed if it spares another from pain or spares yourself from punishment. 

Another rule from this lesson on deceit is that 
Lying is allowed when it protects your privacy. Everyone has a right to privacy in their life, even if it involves hurting people behind their back. 

Julie was told over and over that it was not dad's business to know what mom does. This was meant to justify the fact that mom was lying to dad. Although Julie's mom was a very honest and open person before the affair, mom became quite an expert at deceit and privacy. Julie was watching her model every step of the way. 

A third crucial lesson is, 
How to be thoughtless -- doing what you please regardless of how it affects other people. 

Julie would learn how to take advantage of her friends and family when there was something in it for her. She would learn how to disregard others' suffering because she had a right to enjoy life to the fullest. All wayward spouses hurt the people they care about the most. Wayward spouses rationalize that they had to look out for themselves which is why they developed the relationship outside of their marriage in the first place. Their actions seem to benefit themselves in the short term, but it has disastrous effects on members of their family. 

Marital discord is hard enough on children. It undermines the basic security needed for them to learn and grow. But to add infidelity to a troubled marriage turns a problem into a disaster. Parents who have an affair are teaching their children very important rules that are likely to be followed for the rest of their lives. It ultimately not only undermines their marital relationships but it also seriously hurts their own chances for success in most other areas of life. 

Parents have a responsibility to teach their children the importance of honesty and the importance of thoughtfulness -- considering other people's feeling when decisions are being made. To do otherwise is not only terribly irresponsible, but may tend to perpetuate the learning of these rules of deceit and thoughtlessness for generations to come. 

But even after the mistake of an affair, it is possible to make a conscious choice to change the disastrous consequences. I have counseled many parents who could see what they were teaching their children by having an affair. It motivated them to end the affair and explain to their children how wrong they had been. Although it was extremely difficult and very humbling, they were not only able to save their marriage, but also able to correct the lessons they had taught their children. 

They followed a step-by-step guide that is now available in the book I wrote with Dr. Harley, "Surviving an Affair" (Harley/Chalmers, Revell, 1998). They first took extraordinary precautions to separate from their lover. Then, with their spouse, they followed the Four Rules that Guide Marital Recovery. As they followed this plan and modeled new behaviors they started to teach new lessons: 
How to solve conflict through negotiation; 

How to be open and honest about every part of life; 

How to protect their spouse from their own thoughtless behaviors; and 

How to be an expert at caring for their spouse. 

A person involved in an affair, whether is it secret or not, must take a hard look at the messages they are sending their children. Are they s eeing mom and dad living secret lives where privacy and lying are the norm, making choices that are thoughtless to their spouse, and accepting infidelity because it looks out for #1? Or are they seeing mom and dad spending time to love and care for each other, protecting each other from painful behaviors, being honest, working out conflicts together, and modeling faithfulness because it protects loved ones? 

What lessons are you teaching your children? Are you protecting your marriage from infidelity? Are you making sure that your children will not learn the unwanted lessons of denial, deceit, and disregard for others? 

Children can learn unwanted lessons from an unfaithful parent. But these lessons can be changed. A wayward spouse can decide to model new behaviors and teach new lessons. Think about it -- it could be the greatest gift you will ever give to your children. 


Dr. Chalmers is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the co-author of "Surviving an Affair" (Harley/Chalmers, Revell, 1998).

Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

3 putt - I think it depends upon whether the affair is ongoing or not and whether you're separated or not.

In my case, it was over before I discovered it. Yet it killed our marriage. We're now separated.

I still struggle with what I tell our kids. But the old expression - "you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube" governs what I say. I have erred on the side of caution. If the kids were to ever ask me a question, I will answer with 100% honesty. But they haven't. 

Eventually, they will know the truth, either by observation or by asking. Until then, I am just trying to be the best Dad possible and let my wife be whatever she thinks is the best Mom possible. She screws up constantly - but that is her problem.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> 3 putt - I think it depends upon whether the affair is ongoing or not and whether you're separated or not.
> 
> In my case, it was over before I discovered it. Yet it killed our marriage. We're now separated.
> 
> ...


I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree then, because I will always be on the side of the children knowing the full truth about what and who destroyed their family. They have every much the same right to know what is going on in their lives as the BS who is still in the dark about what is going on in his/hers.

The truth never permanently hurt anyone, but later discovered lies and omissions can be devastating.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

He could be full of regret. But so what? That's his cross to bear. You have your own, and it wasn't of your choosing.

It may also be that he's bitter and wants to tell you how good she was and what she said about you and your marriage. Do you care? It's done.


----------



## raging_pain (Dec 8, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> Eventually, they will know the truth, either by observation or by asking. Until then, I am just trying to be the best Dad possible and let my wife be whatever she thinks is the best Mom possible. She screws up constantly - but that is her problem.


this. and i'm not trying to argue w/ you 3putt, you are insightful quite often. 

to OP: what i'm trying to say is this: if you do this, and it goes down as a matter of public record, you will feel _really, really good_. i just did the same dance that you are looking at in your immediate future. the whole world will know what your cheating ***** of a wife did to fark up her whole family for purely selfish reasons. HOWEVER, while that seems like exactly what she deserves, there are unintended casualties.

everyone will know what happened, including your kids. they won't have heard it from you (as described above, _if they asked_), they will have read it in a document. Look at it as a means of keeping the high ground. If they ask (which they inevitably will), then tell them. Otherwise, it's a private matter, and should stay that way in public form (unless, of course you're fighting for custody, in which case balls out use everything you can). 

i think that ultimately any human being would lose some respect, be it a bit or a ton, for the person that filed in such a manner.

this decision has not come easily to me. i want to hurt her as badly as she has hurt me. you can relate to that, i'm sure. that's some messed up **** that now he wants to talk to you to try and alleviate his guilt. but, ultimately, it will only damage the kid(s), including this.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

tom67 said:


> Do a **** cheney
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

3putt said:


> I guess we'll just to agree to disagree then, because *I will always be on the side of the children knowing the full truth about what and who destroyed their family.* They have every much the same right to know what is going on in their lives as the BS who is still in the dark about what is going on in his/hers.
> 
> The truth never permanently hurt anyone, but later discovered lies and omissions can be devastating.


So do I. Kids are a lot more resilient than people give them credit for.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> mahike said:
> 
> 
> > Sarcasm - Sure buddy how about lets go play some golf or go to the batting cages or go trap shooting.
> ...


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

The previous poster Matt made some excellent points. Keep it email only and see if his information could be useful later on when it comes to divorce and child support. I would rather have too much information than not enough. What have you got to lose limiting it to email?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, keep it in email. Ask him what it is he wants to say. See what he responds.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Do you have anything to gain at all from the dialog?

I seriously doubt it, what could he possibly offer up.

If you do talk with him make sure to bring a VAR or record the call.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Email him back and tell him to go F himself. Tell him you can't meet him or you'd beat him to a pulp. Tell him that your wife is his problem now. Then warn him that she's a cheater so he better keep an eye on her.

Then block his email address. Move on, don't look back.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Unless you are looking for information you feel you need, and he is your only source- ignore him. Considering he is the source of any information- it would need to be scrutinized heavily. 

I'd ignore him. If he wants to make himself feel better... he can pay his own money to a counselor not dump on you.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Or.. you could email him and ask if he is contacting you because the sores have started to appear on his genitals already.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

workindad said:


> Or.. you could email him and ask if he is contacting you because the sores have started to appear on his genitals already.


Now that's some good advice!


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Decimated said:


> Hello friends.
> 
> Some of you know my story. Wife had at least a 1 1/2 year affair...EA/PA. The usual story...Lied, denied, blame-shifted, rug swept...etc. I finally got the prof I needed...from POSOM's wife. I Stayed for over a year in false R (she did nothing to help) I finally filed for Divorce after she still claimed she didn't know what she wanted. Our divorce will be final in 3 weeks. We just told the kids this weekend. I have been disconnecting from STBXWW and emotionally moving on as best I can.
> 
> ...


Meet with him. You are honestly going to wonder if you delete that email. There is a 50/50 shot that you are going to walk away from that meeting in a better place emotionally. And I can tell you from experience, you will feel better. And I am of the mind that everyone deserves a chance to apologize and amend, if they are willing to take the steps in asking for a meeting. But I am also weird, so..... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> Meet with him. You are honestly going to wonder if you delete that email. There is a 50/50 shot that you are going to walk away from that meeting in a better place emotionally. And I can tell you from experience, you will feel better. And I am of the mind that everyone deserves a chance to apologize and amend, if they are willing to take the steps in asking for a meeting. But I am also weird, so.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or maybe the dude is feeling suicidal and sociopathic and wants to make sure that Decimated is there when he goes postal.

There is nothing to wonder about, the guy was cheating with the OP's spouse, no apologies will ever carry enough meaning. If he wanted to make amends by handing over his life savings or something like that, well there is no reason he can't just email transfer the money from his bank seeing as he's got the OPs email address.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Okay, look, while some of these suggestions are hilarious and awfully tempting, I would stick with ignoring him. What in the name of God could he possibly tell you that would make any difference whatsoever.

Answer: nothing

Answering him just validates and acknowledges his existence in your life, and that he is still in your head. I wouldn't give him the benefit of even a reply, let alone a nasty one. She is his problem now, and he hers. Leave it at that, and just wait for that bus to come rollin', rollin', rollin'.

And it will. I just found out something today about my last ex that had me chuckling. It took a few years, but what you reap, so you shall sow.

Just let it go. You won't be sorry. And like I said earlier, don't even mention the contact to your STBXW, and see how she acts. It will be telling in if she is or not in contact with him.....very telling.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It's clear to me; tell him to f0ck himself.
NC.


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Lon said:


> Or maybe the dude is feeling suicidal and sociopathic and wants to make sure that Decimated is there when he goes postal.
> 
> There is nothing to wonder about, the guy was cheating with the OP's spouse, no apologies will ever carry enough meaning. If he wanted to make amends by handing over his life savings or something like that, well there is no reason he can't just email transfer the money from his bank seeing as he's got the OPs email address.


I don't for a second believe any one walks away not thinking about the ow/om. Like I said, I can only speak from my experience on meeting and talking with the OW in my situation. She feels more guilt I think than my guy does. I am glad I got to see that. It helped me. Maybe it can help decimated too. I believe it is impossible for the ow/om to forever be far from our thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

:


bfree said:


> Invite him to go hunting with you. Tell him to wear a fur coat.


:lol::rofl::rofl:


----------



## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

I could never sit with the POSOM. I would be way to tempted to act up. I have had email dialougues with him during the time he was lying and begging forgiveness and not to tell his wife and ruin his family. I really don't see what good can come of it?
1.He asks for forgiveness (tell him to go to church)
2.He may want to tell you things you didn't know about the affair (and this can be informational so you "know" or it can be spiteful to tear you up if his marriage is ending too. Either way, I don't need to know)
3.He may tell you things about the affair you didn't know, but may cast you in a good light, things your spouse said about you that were good (not very likely but I'm thinking of all reasons, here. And also would be irrelevant for me)
4.He may just want to kick your ass (if you blasted his marriage, a very good possibility)

I just don't see the reason to ever meet with him. Let him email you, I like the idea of saving them. Never know when they will come in handy. Like when I handed POSOM's wife with his written confession from DDay#1 so he couldn't wiggle out of it! Ha!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Invite him over for a game of rosambo, its a game were you kick each other in the balls and the one that gives up 1st loses. Last man standing wins the game.

The trick is to go 1st!!!!!! Then OM can go next and kick you.


Respond to him, tell him that he sleeps with other mens wifes and you don't so what is there to talk about, but if he wants to come over so you can hit him then feel free to come on over. Again "I want you to come over so you can hit him again and again do you under stand". 

Make it very clear that if he does come over he is asking for it and that this is not a random meeting in a public place but he is more then welcome to come over to your house and be used as a bunching bag.

Ask OM if he understand what you are asking him, make it clear that this will be the out come.....he has to acknowledge that he is infact coming over to get hit...other wise it can be said that you attacked him.. its best to make sure OM comes to you to get hit, knowing the intent that he will be hit, other wise it will look like you are the agressor.


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

tell him to text the info and there is no need to talk. Also tell him you owe him a hole in his face.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You can't asault some one when they aggree to come over to get hit, the OM has the same oppertunity to hit you back. The trick is getting Om to tell the cops that "yes" Decimated did tell me to come over to his house to get hit" 

The women that confronted my wife actually told the cop that " she came over cuz my wife said she was going to hit her" the cop asked this women if she knew she was coming over to get hit and the women said yes.....end of story, no charges, let the EMTs in....


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Mrs. the guy told me there was more to the story. The women did tell the cops that she was coming over to hit my wife.

The cops can't help some one that has intent to break the law, even if they get there own butt whipped.


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I think he would be more honest than your your STBXW. You are going to have mind movies no matter what, so you you might want to get his version of what happened to settle it into a mid range as appossed? to the full blown porn mind movies I go thru every night. Just my 2 cents David


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

The VAR is a VERY GOOD idea!


----------



## AshS (Jan 11, 2013)

I would suggest a recorded phone conversation only. This way your not tempted to hit him & with email although it would be nice to have his story in writting he (or your wife) can proofread & re-think things before it's sent.

In my situation my stbxh has denied the A so during my 2 phone conversations with the OW I was given more proof that I was right. I had a hotel receipt for a day he was "at work" his excuse for the room was because he was afraid I was going to kick him out. When I questioned him if the OW was at work that day too he said yes. When I asked her where she was on that day she said "at home with my H & kids, you can ask him" little did she know I already had & she told her H she was working too. The 2 of them probably should have rehearsed their stories a little better but I know she wanted me to find out about the A.

So if you think you can gain something then talk on the phone so you can possibly catch him off guard.


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

He claimed that he "owed" you. That sounds like self-serving crap. 

So he is repaying a debt exactly how? Paying rental on the wife for the time he was boffing her? If he had something that would be of benefit to you then it would be easy enough to state in writing. 

Like "I want to give you the map to where she buried the ten thousand dollars she stole from your checking account". 

It's just way too vague as stated and most likely this is about him feeling better about himself by "confessing" after it is too late to do any good. If there is anything you need from him, anythnig really important, then I would think about this and get it in writing.

But otherwise I would ignore him. I had no interest in talking to the other man. I just left and moved on.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

If exposure caused him to lose his family then the term " I owe it to you" takes on a different connotation.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

sandc said:


> If exposure caused him to lose his family then the term " I owe it to you" takes on a different connotation.


exactly, consider your safety first OP.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

What about;

"No thanks, you've already given me so much." Or something similar.

It tells him that;

A. You are not interested in his crap.

B. It leaves it open for him to respond with "ok I understand, just wanted to apologise/ give you more info/gloat" whatever which would allow you to decide if you wanted to hear more.

On a side note what was the outcome of your wifes surgery, I can't remember from the last time I posted?

And did you end up providing her with some support?


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

The rational thing is to ignore it, although if I were you, the curiosity would've got me.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

He might be information gathering, trying to get info on the status of you and your W. I would politely decline.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Has he had a religious conversion so feels the need to confess? And stranger things have happened. A man hired a contract killer to murder someone. He was jailed years later as the woman contract killer found Jesus and confessed to all her killings and named names.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Lon said:


> Do you have anything to gain at all from the dialog?
> 
> I seriously doubt it, what could he possibly offer up.
> 
> If you do talk with him make sure to bring a VAR or record the call.





3putt said:


> Okay, look, while some of these suggestions are hilarious and awfully tempting, I would stick with ignoring him. What in the name of God could he possibly tell you that would make any difference whatsoever.
> 
> Answer: nothing



1) "Your wife told me something about the parentage of your kids..."

2) "The County Health department mandated that I call you...."

3) "So...you're still alive. Well, I guess that extra insurance policy she got is still valid."

4) "Your stbxw got in touch with me and I think she's suicidal."

5) "I don't want to be tagged as an accessory to any of this so I'd figure I'd warn you..."

6) "Did you know I wasn't the first guy?"

7) "Keep an eye on your kid's passports. You didn't KNOW your kids had passports...um...never mind..."

8) "I want a finder's fee to your wife's inheritance from Uncle Elmo. It wasn't divvyed in the divorce and the worthless ***** decided to dump me."

That's off the top of my head.

I can keep going if you like.


----------



## Mike11 (Aug 25, 2011)

I cannot shade the feeling that him and your stbxw are planning a "joint venture", this is him trying to soften the "all Hell will break loose" 
once you find out and to ease you in to that 

it is a guess but from your wife's behavior it is somewhat the first thing that came to mind especially that his getting divorced from his wife


----------



## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

I'd write a reply something like, 

"what is it that you have to tell me that I don't already know? You ****ed my wife and ruined my marriage. Anything else?"


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

screw him, deny him his "closure"


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

For this I would take a really good look at myself to see where I am emotionally and otherwise...but I am a woman so, I don't know how much of that men value in themselves. It comes with some thinking through the different scenarios of 'what ifs' then making a plan A,B,C on how to handle each one in case things begin on the slippery slope of ugly. It depends on who you are. If you are like me, my curiosity would trump it all and I would either meet with him, OR (my preference), I would email him back saying that he can put whatever he has to say in an email to you...This serves a dual purpose of having a written testimony of sorts and keeping your distance - avoiding ugly. I would meet with my WHs OW any day...Thing is she is doesn't want to meet with me. I am a really cool chick but she has too much to hide.

(Forgive me for editing, but 80% of communication is non-verbal. My WH and his AP know the field I am in and KNOW I will read their body language like there is no tomorrow. Hence the value to me of eventually meeting with AP or WH & AP who are adamant that their 8 year connection was "just friends"). In the condition you are in, where you know they are more than just friends, I would go the e-mail route. & Yes, it will set you back but if you mentally prepare yourself, you can surf the mini emotional tidalwave, knowing the worst is already behind you. Knowing is half the battle.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Decimated said:


> Hello friends.
> 
> Some of you know my story. Wife had at least a 1 1/2 year affair...EA/PA. The usual story...Lied, denied, blame-shifted, rug swept...etc. I finally got the prof I needed...from POSOM's wife. I Stayed for over a year in false R (she did nothing to help) I finally filed for Divorce after she still claimed she didn't know what she wanted. Our divorce will be final in 3 weeks. We just told the kids this weekend. I have been disconnecting from STBXWW and emotionally moving on as best I can.
> 
> ...


My answer in a quick email back:

"No thanks. I'm good."


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

"Haven't you done enough damage?"


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

He is likely intending to be getting together with your wife long term. This is about the children perhaps.


----------



## Doc Who (Sep 9, 2012)

Dec,

Contact is totally up to you, but if you do, control the method of communication so as to protect yourself. Phone with a VAR or email would be more detached. And that might be a good thing as you would be tempted to put rounds in his knees and make him beg for his life if you met in a seclude place


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

If you go the email route, be firm, in control and succinct. You are in the process of a divorce and this depends on who stands to lose the most financially. Self-protection is essential.


----------



## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

I know what Curiosity did to the cat but I couldn't resist hearing his version....maybe something new! You can always hang up if a call or hit delete if its an email. But thats just me.


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Cedarman said:


> Did you ever speak with him? Did you ever have an opportunity to tell him what you think of him? If not - maybe now is your chance.



Thank you for all of your responses. I really do appreciate them.

Our divorce is through mediation, everything has been agreed upon and signed, and the final court date in 3 weeks is just for the judge to sign off. There is nothing POSOM could say to effect the outcome of that.

*I only had contact with POSOM twice.*

I called POSOM immediately after D day #1, after discovering the text and cell trail on my phone bill...That was 2009. I verbally shredded him on the phone and told him to stay away from my wife. He kept telling me that there was nothing going on and that they were just friends. He actually apologized at the time and promised to never contact her again.

About 1 1/2 years later, after D day #3, I did send POSOM an email. I was a nasty 2000 word ass kicking. I needed to tell him exactly what I thought of him...and I did. I even dared him to apologize. About a month later I got an email back from him that was anything but apologetic. He tried to turn everything around on me, blame me and even insult me. My response to that was "Whatever...F***off! That was the last email I got from him...until now.

*After reading all of you responses I believe there could only be 2 possible reasons for him to contact me.*

1) He has found Jesus and the overwhelming guilt is eating him up inside, he is truly remorseful and wants to offer me a deep, heartfelt apology in an attempt to cleanse his soul for his part in destroying two marriages, 2 families and the lives of 5 children.

Lol! I doubt this very much. Narcissists don't feel guilt or remorse.

2) He is contacting me as part of a self serving effort to warm things over so that he and my STBXWW can attempt to legitimize their relationship in the future.

I think this is more likely.

*I think this will be my answer:*

POSOM, Anything you want to say to me could only be for your benefit…not mine. I have moved on and have no interest in talking to you…ever. You have nothing I need and I have no interest in anything you could possibly want to say. 

My divorce will be final 3 weeks. Congratulations…you win. 

She is all yours.

What do you think?

I have come so far emotionally. I really don't want to regress by finding out new details about them now. I don't think I would benefit from this in any way. I think it would be best to just leave it all behind.


----------



## catholicman (Jan 3, 2013)

Decimated said:


> Thank you for all of your responses. I really do appreciate them.
> 
> Our divorce is through mediation, everything has been agreed upon and signed, and the final court date in 3 weeks is just for the judge to sign off. There is nothing POSOM could say to effect the outcome of that.
> 
> ...


Excellent!

Personally, I would not offer even sarcarstic congratulations, or "you win".

"She's all yours, I wouldn't have her" would match my sentiments. I guess I am still more bitter than you.

Take care.


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I would prefer saying "You may keep my excrement."


----------



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Don't say "you win".


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Don't say "you win".


Agreed, I have already removed it to say:

Congratulations…She is all yours.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

JCD said:


> 6) "Did you know I wasn't the first guy?"


My money is on this one.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Decimated said:


> POSOM, Anything you want to say to me could only be for your benefit…not mine. I have moved on and have no interest in talking to you…ever. You have nothing I need and I have no interest in anything you could possibly want to say.
> 
> My divorce will be final 3 weeks. Congratulations…you win.
> 
> She is all yours. *But watch her, she cheats.*


There. Fixed it for you.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Decimated said:


> Agreed, I have already removed it to say:
> 
> Congratulations…She is all yours.


Change "congratulations" to " sorry for your new burden"....She is all yours.

Maybe just resend the two old emails OM sent you with the simple word "This"


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

why even bother with a response-- NC is the best "[email protected]# YOU!"


btw- i agree that he's reaching out because he and your wife are planning restart the relationship. don't be surprised by this at all.


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Wow...you folks are great!

Thanks for the comments and advice. I appreciate the humor as well.


----------



## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> LookingForTheSun said:
> 
> 
> > :iagree:
> ...


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

The POSOM in my life called and left a long winded apology and asked me to call him. I started a thread about it, if you'd like to hear him.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/63511-vm-om-remorse-fraud.html

I have thought of two ways that I would respond to it.

I thought maybe I'd call him and say either:

"Yeah why don't you come on over and we can talk. Please use the back window, the doors are all broken"

or

"Hey, yeah let's get together and talk about this, I think we should go hunting out in the mountains together".

That's it.

Of course I could always say "sure, let's go for a run together"

(He basically has prosthetic legs)


----------



## RAN (Oct 14, 2012)

Decimated said:


> Agreed, I have already removed it to say:
> 
> Congratulations…She is all yours.


*NO* Congratulations, *NO* She is all yours, *NO* You Win. 

Maintain NC.

It is only going to be 3 weeks for you to be a *FREE MAN*. Why do you want to burden yourself by sending all those messages. Let them wonder what the reply would be, keep them guessing.

Keep moving on with your New Life. Do not look back.

Good Luck.


----------



## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Decimated said:


> Thank you for all of your responses. I really do appreciate them.
> 
> Our divorce is through mediation, everything has been agreed upon and signed, and the final court date in 3 weeks is just for the judge to sign off. There is nothing POSOM could say to effect the outcome of that.
> 
> ...


Made changes.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

You're fixed letter should read.

I have no interest in having a conversation with a lying morally bankrupt person. Do not attempt to contact me any further.

Thank you for taking her cheating @$$ off my hands. I thought I was going to have to install a revolving door, but that's your problem now.


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I've thought that if I ever run into my neighbor I might thank him for taking care of my problem. And then tell him "I think you are apologizing to the wrong person. My life is all that much better now, but she is impoverished and alone so maybe you should go apologize to her instead"


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Or you could say 

"You lost. I got free of her"


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Ovid said:


> You're fixed letter should read.
> 
> I have no interest in having a conversation with a lying morally bankrupt person. Do not attempt to contact me any further.
> 
> Thank you for taking her cheating @$$ off my hands. I thought I was going to have to install a revolving door, but that's your problem now.


Add "I can't believe she finally got one of her lovers to buy her line of bull.


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Thank You for your thoughts and advice. The consensus seems to be Crickets to the POSOM.

I agree. I cant help wanting to fire one last shot at him as I exit so I am still undecided at this point.

I put something together just in case I do respond, this is what it would say:


POSOM,

"I think it's time you and I have a talk. I owe it to you."

Is that your attempt at sounding magnanimous?

You arrogantly seem to think you are entitled to demand an audience with me because you think it's time we have a talk? Then you try to soften your arrogance with a tiny bit of fake humility by saying you "owe it to me"?

Here is my answer.

I have no interest in what you think. Anything you could possibly say to me would be self serving and for your benefit alone. I have no interest in speaking with you…ever. I have no interest in anything you could possibly say. You have nothing I need. You mean nothing to me. I do agree that you owe me but that is a debt that you could never possibly repay.

Understand this. I have moved on. I have more important and better things to think about then you, her, and the drama of your cliche, tawdry affair.

You are and will always be, a lying, cheating, piece of remorseless s**t.

Congratulations on all of the destruction you and her have left in your wake. She is all yours...you two deserve each other.

The 3 minutes it took me to write this message are 3 minutes I'll never get back…much more then you are worth. Do not ever contact me again...ever.

My final two words for you are…F**k Off!

Comments?


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

That's great you've sorted through all this. Now don't send it.

Don't give him an audience, if it's something that would be really important he knows your email.

You will never get enough satisfaction by expressing your feelings to him, he is not even worth it.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Lon said:


> That's great you've sorted through all this. Now don't send it.
> 
> Don't give him an audience, if it's something that would be really important he knows your email.
> 
> You will never get enough satisfaction by expressing your feelings to him, he is not even worth it.


:iagree:

Remember his words:

"*I *think it's time you and *I* have a talk. *I* owe it to you."

There is no reason for a two-way communication with the OM. The OP owes him nothing at all. He has the email address, if he had anything of importance to say, he is free to do so. This does not require a response from the BS.

The OM should be treated like a nobody because that's exactly who he is in this situation.


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> he's reaching out because he and your wife are planning restart the relationship. don't be surprised by this at all.


Agreed! 

Just found out that STBXWW and OM are back at it again, which explains the call he made to me. Maybe the same here.


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Silence speaks louder than any e-mail that you could write.

The only suitable reply would be one that makes it clear that you have received it but don't care. This could be done with a two-word reply.

"Received. Ignored."

Best of luck.


----------



## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

lol if my wifes POSOM ever emailed with something like he "owed me" a talk i would respond with:
"and i owe you an a$$ whoopin. you wanna trade?"

you are divorcing, f**k him and his apology/guilt/gutlessness.
let him stew in it, he may "owe you", but YOU dont owe HIM sh*t.
although, your last email draft, i kinda like that. but i would just ignore him and block his email. after i sent him a close up picture attachment of my fully extended middle finger. no words. a picture is worth a thousand words LOL.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Decimated said:


> Congratulations on all of the destruction you and her have left in your wake. She is all yours...you two deserve each other.


Looks good to me.. You ought to send it.

Just make the one correction....

"you and she have left in your wake."

It's 'she' not 'her' 

You would not say "her has left in her wake."

You would say "she has left in her wake"

(I'm sorry but my mom spent so many years correcting this sort of thing that she (not her) continues to whisper these corrections in my ear from her grave even today.)


----------



## landon33 (Jul 13, 2012)

Decimated said:


> Understand this. I have moved on. I have more important and better things to think about* then* you, her, and the drama of your cliche, tawdry affair.


Another minor correction; should be _than_ as opposed to _then_.


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

landon33 said:


> Another minor correction; should be _than_ as opposed to _then_.


Thanks again for your responses. I don't think I will send it because that would be an acknowledgment of his existence. That is way more than he deserves. 

Thanks for the grammar corrections as well. I honestly only spent about 3 minutes slapping that together. It did feel good to vomit up how I felt in words. I seriously doubt if POSOM would know the difference anyway. He is a dumb ass...along with everything else I called him.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Decimated said:


> Thanks again for your responses. I don't think I will send it because that would be an acknowledgment of his existence. That is way more than he deserves.
> 
> Thanks for the grammar corrections as well. I honestly only spent about 3 minutes slapping that together. It did feel good to vomit up how I felt in words. I seriously doubt if POSOM would know the difference anyway. He is a dumb ass...along with everything else I called him.


Look at the bright side. He is not even worthy of your vomit. 

Can I say "sucks to be him" in this forum? I hope so.


----------



## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Decimated,
I truly envy you. When my WW's affair came to light I wanted to speak to her affair partner to let him know to stay away from my wife and for him to apologize to my face. I called him and he said that he had never heard of my wife. I then, politely, emailed him and explained to him why I wanted to speak to him. He emailed me back and said I was not "entitled" to an apology. I was livid.

I chased him for seven months and my "will" won out. He DID meet with me. He DID apologize to my face. He cried and blubbered like a baby too. He had to do this in front of a judge, his wife, court bailiff, court stenographer, his attorney and a court room audience. 

For some reason meeting this POSOM and looking him right in the eyes took a weight off my chest. It was like I got to transfer back to him his pathetic actions.

My $0.02 for what it is worth....


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

CJ, You are more in control of your emotions than I could be. I could never meet him in person...I would end up in jail...and him in the hospital, if he was lucky. I do worry about running into him around town and how I may react. He was living only about 5 miles away before his divorce. I am pretty easy going and don't usually have a temper but these circumstances are different than the normal day to day stuff we all deal with.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Looks good to me.. You ought to send it.
> 
> Just make the one correction....
> 
> ...


Thank you and God bless your mother. I am not a perfect writer, but sometimes I just want to scratch my eyes out over some of these posts.

Maybe I should change my name from JCD to OCD...

And forget 'your/you're'. If you can get these people to add carriage returns, I'll light a candle for you.

Or better yet, I'll take that and you can take the other grammar atrocities...

(Feel free to correct my grammar anytime...)


----------



## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

cj9947 said:


> Decimated,
> I truly envy you. When my WW's affair came to light I wanted to speak to her affair partner to let him know to stay away from my wife and for him to apologize to my face. I called him and he said that he had never heard of my wife. I then, politely, emailed him and explained to him why I wanted to speak to him. He emailed me back and said I was not "entitled" to an apology. I was livid.
> 
> I chased him for seven months and my "will" won out. He DID meet with me. He DID apologize to my face. He cried and blubbered like a baby too. He had to do this in front of a judge, his wife, court bailiff, court stenographer, his attorney and a court room audience.
> ...


How did you manage to get him in court?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JCD said:


> Thank you and God bless your mother. I am not a perfect writer, but sometimes I just want to scratch my eyes out over some of these posts.
> 
> Maybe I should change my name from JCD to OCD...
> 
> ...


I make tons of grammatical, word usage and type-o errors on my posts. I type them fast and do not check for errors before submitting the posts. But that was a letter to a POSOM. That's a different kind of writing all together.

On the topics of using carriage returns... I'm with you on that topic. Walls of text are horrible to read.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Just don't want to think that he might have some important info about your wife that might be useful(?). better ignore him though!!


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Just don't want to think that he might have some important info about your wife that might be useful(?). better ignore him though!!


Thanks Warlock.

I thought about this as well but I don't think anything he could say would be useful at this point. I already knew enough to file and walk. It would just open up the wounds again. I doubt that anything he could say would make me think or feel any better about her. I'm sure if he came clean with me, it would only to make me disrespect him and STBXWW even more. This is something STBXWW would not do and as a result, I never got the answers to my questions.

We have a binding settlement agreement and the divorce will be final in two weeks. Nothing he could say will change this path for me.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Yeah that conversation wouldn't escalate to a dangerous place in record time. 

...ROLLS EYES....


----------



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Rags said:


> Whatever he has to say if for his benefit, not yours.
> 
> Why give him that? Screw him (as it were.) Let him stew.


 This is sooooo true. Screw him. He doesn't deserve a second of your time. He wants to speak with you for his own benefit, not yours. As if dealing with a divorce wasn't hard enough, it's not your responsibility to help him cope with the mess he and your WW made of their lives. Let him suffer and feel the guilt. He deserves it!!!!


----------



## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I don't see what is to be lost. Ask him to bring a bottle of your favorite drink. If you change your mind, take the bottle and leave.


----------



## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Decimated said:


> CJ, You are more in control of your emotions than I could be. I could never meet him in person...I would end up in jail...and him in the hospital, if he was lucky. I do worry about running into him around town and how I may react. He was living only about 5 miles away before his divorce. I am pretty easy going and don't usually have a temper but these circumstances are different than the normal day to day stuff we all deal with.


I worry about this, too. Daily. 
My wife says "i would think that you would be the 'better man' if (when) you come across him".
I just stare at her blankly. Lol. Sure i will. I know a lot about him and where he is/goes. I purposefully avoid these places. But i dont reckon that luck will hold out forever. I will probably just laugh in his face. But then again, if he smirks or looks at me crossways, i might just push his fvcking face in instead. Im a mess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

3putt said:


> *The truth never permanently hurt anyone*, but later discovered lies and omissions can be devastating.


:scratchhead:

Really? No exceptions?


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> Really? No exceptions?


Okay. How about rarely?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think the best response might be a new car in your driveway driven by the hottest woman alive, and hopefully both he and your cheater STBXW will see her many times going into your house.

The best part is that the posOM will have to deal with your cheater STBXW's anxiety and nasty feelings about your hooking up and upgrading. 

Oh, your cheater STBXW is completely Ok with her cheating on you - but I guarantee that it WILL shake her when you being to date.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have your talk via email.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Cdelta02 said:


> How did you manage to get him in court?


I sued him for the cost of the STD test...hilarious thing was that I got a FedEx package a couple of days after filing the suit, it was from the Producer of the "Judge Judy" show...she asked if I was willing to go on the show and I said, "Hell YES!!!"...they called the POSOM and he declined...


----------



## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

cj9947 said:


> I sued him for the cost of the STD test...hilarious thing was that I got a FedEx package a couple of days after filing the suit, it was from the Producer of the "Judge Judy" show...she asked if I was willing to go on the show and I said, "Hell YES!!!"...they called the POSOM and he declined...


This = WIN
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

cj9947 said:


> I sued him for the cost of the STD test...hilarious thing was that I got a FedEx package a couple of days after filing the suit, it was from the Producer of the "Judge Judy" show...she asked if I was willing to go on the show and I said, "Hell YES!!!"...they called the POSOM and he declined...


My new hero.

Awesome!


----------

