# Ageing and appearance



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

How do people feel about ageing in a life long relationship. Lets face it, no one is as hot at 70 as at 20, so in some sense your partner is not going to be as attractive as when you met.

For me: 
Rationally I know my wife is not as beautiful as when we met 35 years ago, but its not something I notice, when I look at her, I just see her, unchanged. 

That said, we both recognize that married != dead and we don't need to pretend that we don't find anyone else attractive. We can recognize the existence of a hot waiter / waitress, movie star, coach, whatever, without being concerned that a spouse of 30 years is going to leave and take off with a ski coach. If my wife thinks John Snow is attractive, or I think Daenerys is, no harm done. 

How do other people react to the reality of their partners ageing.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

I think you've got it right.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It's foremostly just a part of life!

In a perfect world, had I been married lifelong to one true and faithful mate for the duration of our golden years, that aspect of our relationship alone would have undoubtedly escalated the beauty factor in her alone for remaining faithful to our manogamy as well as our hallowed family principles!

I cannot see that happening in this lifetime of mine but fully realize that many of my TAM protégés will live to embrace that! 

My hat is off to you, guys!*


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

30 years later and she is still the cute short girl with the big tits and nice butt standing on the front of my boat. Over time my eyes had developed some kind of
issue that doesn't allow me to see things for what they really are, but that's OK because I still have it in my mind who she really is.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

In some way, I think that a spouses appearance elicits almost pavlovian response. If they are the person you have sex with, fantasize about having sex with, and see having sex, your brain gets conditioned to see them as sexy, regardless of how objectively attractive they are.

I think that it also helps that you grow old at the same rate. It is probably a bigger issue when there is a large age gap. As it is, we've been getting wrinkles at a similar rate. Our hair is graying at a similar rate. We're aging together. While we each recognize the attractiveness of people much younger than us, it's a very different thing. Those aren't potential mates. Those are young people.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

uhtred said:


> How do people feel about ageing in a life long relationship. Lets face it, no one is as hot at 70 as at 20, so in some sense your partner is not going to be as attractive as when you met.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It is always subjective. There was a period where what we now call obese was consider beautiful and desirable.

With that said, noticing and even admiring beauty, whatever your personal criteria of it is, is never a bad thing. My spouses and I often point out good looking people we know the other will enjoy drooling over to each other. Enjoying their beauty has no effect on our feelings for each other.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Great topic, and honestly I worry about this a lot.

Not in the sense he will leave me as I age, but just that he won’t think I’m pretty anymore. I think if he spent a tad less time checking out the 20 year olds in spandex I would feel better. That annoys me, because I will never be her again, but he always says there is no one else for him but me. I believe him, but still am anxious about aging. 

It feels like men get older and get cuter, more adorable and distinguished. Women just seem to get older....barf.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

This thread is kind of sobering to me...because there are two ways of looking at it. The way its supposed to be and ultimately the way it actually is. It generally does not go well when one person ages well and stays in shape and the other does not. No one flat out comes out and says it, but believe me, people are aware that they can "do better", when the scales tip in the other direction. Also the partner that hasn't aged as well or didn't stay in shape often becomes insecure about it. It doesn't always lead to divorce, but if you married an ugly duckling that blossomed into a swan, it just might. Because they aren't used to garnering that kind of attention and can't handle it. I would be very curious to see what the rates of divorce/infidelity for people that undergo a major change in their appearance via exercise or gastric bypass. I bet the numbers would reveal that quite a few folks change their behavior along with their appearance, and that change can be bad for relationships.

On a side not though, when I was married. I aged normally. My wife did not. She is only two years younger than me. I am early forties, and in my 30s people started thinking she was my daughter. Even recently when she came to visit me in the hospital the nurse was like, "I think your daughter is here". Some people are just genetically gifted I guess. She always found it funny though, I didn't LoL.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

When people pair up at the start they are usually on the same playing field. Time will create leverage in some cases.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Good topic and kind of a sore one for us at the moment.

Mrs. C is the only woman for me but she is 11 years my senior and I look younger than I am.

Many mistake me for mid thirties when I'm a lot closer to 50.

Mrs. C is still in great shape and still gets attention from the opposite sex but she has definitely developed the wrinkles that come with being almost 60.

This isn't a problem for me because she has never failed to take my breath away or make my heart skip a beat!

When she does herself up or wears certain outfits, she is a distraction because I can't take my eyes off her.

She is having problems within herself however.

The other day, we took a mutual friend out to the gym to show her how to develop upper body strength and size.

This friend is 26, tall, blonde and attractive. She also flirted with me a couple years ago when we first met, before she knew I was married. Nothing untoward has ever occurred with this friend and we both love her.

Mrs. C still felt uncomfortable and told me later after almost snapping my head off when a waitress gave me a million dollar smile and bent over to make sure I got a view while handing me silverware.

I hadn't done a damn thing wrong but she was feeling insecure about her appearance. We had a mild argument where I reminded her how I show her I love her every day and I shouldn't be judged for how others behave or because she is feeling insecure.

We have always watched people and we both enjoy it because people are beautiful.

We are both gym rats so we see a lot of very attractive people wearing tight clothes.

We don't see any harm in noticing attractive people. We have never cheated on each other and seeing pretty people isn't going to change our status.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I don't know about what everyone else is saying, but I want to point out what happened to me --- 

My first husband (who I met in high school), was the "hot jock" guy type, and although I always thought he was cute and attractive, when I first fell in love with him, and WANTED him, it was because he was so sweet to me (ironically...), and NOT because of how he looked.

Fast-forward 10 years, and we are at a softball tournament for him, and I'm huge and pregnant, and chasing after a 18-month old, just so I can get out of the house (we only had one car)....I hear some young girl asking his aunt who that "hot guy" was, and when I realized it was my husband she was asking about, the SHOCK I felt that she could find him attractive made my mouth hang open! And then I looked at him objectively and realized that he was still super good-looking PHYSICALLY, but all I saw when I looked at him was the man who laughed at me when I asked for his help with our baby, who ignored me when I would cry or say, "please care about me!", who left me alone on weekends to go fishing or play softball with NO car, etc etc. The man *I* saw when I looked at him was NOT attractive one bit!

When I first met my current husband (*sigh!!*), I wasn't attracted to him one bit, and he was the opposite of my first husband, NOT "jocky", not dark, thinner. The more I got to know him, the more I started to love his big smile and deep laugh, and the protective way he treated me (and my kids), and the way he acted like I was a goddess - Lol!! - and I started to feel VERY attracted to him, and SEE him as this exciting, caring guy!

Now, 16 years later, when I look at him at 57, I see the man who loves and cares about ME, who STILL thinks I'm a goddess - Haha! - who has told me (as many times as I need to hear it, and that's ALOT...) that I'll always be the woman he wants no matter what I do or how I look, who notices what I want or need and tries to give it to me! And what I see is a man who still excites me, who looks like the strongest, sexiest man I've ever seen, who I thrill to touch and look at....those eyes, that smile, that voice, are all for ME!!!

HOW can he NOT be the hottest thing on the planet, to me...???


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Spicy said:


> Great topic, and honestly I worry about this a lot.
> 
> Not in the sense he will leave me as I age, but just that he won’t think I’m pretty anymore. I think if he spent a tad less time checking out the 20 year olds in spandex I would feel better. That annoys me, because I will never be her again, but he always says there is no one else for him but me. I believe him, but still am anxious about aging.
> 
> It feels like men get older and get cuter, more adorable and distinguished. Women just seem to get older....barf.


Imho just don't get caught up in dwelling on an inaccurate perception H is checking out younger tighter women all the time.

One thing us older M very ltr husbands recognize is there will alway, always, always be hot young women dressed in skimpy clothes, that's a reality. 

Just like there will always be younger hot men, for Ws to observe. 

But us older men recognize all that and we don't dwell on other women.

We love our Ws, and see them as part of ourselves, and see our Ws as when they were 20ys old, 50+yrs old, and all of the in between women they are, all at once, when we see them, in our eyes.

We desire them sexually, we desire their love for us, their respect for us, we work for them, we would storm any fortress for them, and take a bullet for them if need be. 

To our last breath.

And we see all of these things, all at once, when we hold them in our arms.

And we feel none if that for any other fleeting worldly eye candy.

Eady choice. DW is most precious because of the woman she is today, just as much as the woman she was when we met.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Maybe not the information source you want, but if you look at
(Warning, only if not easily offended)
https://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/sex/news/a52061/most-popular-porn-searches/ 
(End warning)


it lists the most common search terms in porn. Terms associated with middle aged and older women are more common than things like "teen". 


What you are saying does seem to match the popular belief, and I'm very happy to be a "sliver fox" rather than an "old Geezer" or worse. I think though that despite being a common belief, men are not as attracted to younger women as many think. 

I think there is a status aspect to (wealth) men having young girlfriends or wives - its not necessarily that they personally want that, but its a status symbol like the Ferrari, or Citation jet to show of to other wealthy old men


I know that for me, while younger women can certainly be very attractive in a purely visual sense, as soon as they start talking, the huge gap in age becomes apparent. 

Of course people vary, I just think that the issue of men ageing "better" than women may not be as true as the media would have us all believe. 






Spicy said:


> Great topic, and honestly I worry about this a lot.
> 
> Not in the sense he will leave me as I age, but just that he won’t think I’m pretty anymore. I think if he spent a tad less time checking out the 20 year olds in spandex I would feel better. That annoys me, because I will never be her again, but he always says there is no one else for him but me. I believe him, but still am anxious about aging.
> 
> It feels like men get older and get cuter, more adorable and distinguished. Women just seem to get older....barf.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Maybe part of the issue is the absurd idea that people are expected to believe that their spouse is the *most* attractive person in the world. My wife was and is beautiful but I didn't marry her *because* she was beautiful. There will always be women who based purely on appearance are more physically attractive than her, but they are not more *desirable* than her to me. 

I wouldn't want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world because odds are she would not be the best person in other ways that matter much more to me. 

Similarly, I don't get a lot of requests to perform as a male model. I never was and never will be the most physically attractive man in the world.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think if you still love your spouse and have a strong marriage with a healthy-minded, well-rounded individual, the aging process can be just fine.

I make reasonable efforts to take care of myself. I exercise, keep my weight down, look after my health, and have a wonderful hairdresser. I am gratified by my work, which is ongoing even after retirement, and love my family and friends.

I am aware that things can go bad at any minute but try to focus on what I can do today.

The way I feel is that I am doing whatever I can reasonably do to make the most of getting older. If my H wants someone younger, I will be hurt, but will move on on my own. (I know I will do this, so please, TAM, don't tell me that I will only know this when it happens).

My H is a health fiend and looks great for his age. We are both seniors, though. There is no lying about that.

One rule I have, though, is, even though I know we are both human and find others attractive, he is expected not to ogle younger, attractive women while I am with him. He has plenty of time on his own to do this without making me feel like chopped liver.

My .02


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

uhtred said:


> For me:
> Rationally I know my wife is not as beautiful as when we met 35 years ago, but its not something I notice, when I look at her, I just see her, unchanged.


That's a good way to put it. But also looking back at old photos, we had some truly horrible hair at times. 



uhtred said:


> I think Daenerys is


My wife is a big fan of Dany's tits.


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## cheapie (Aug 6, 2018)

I just retired this year at 55. However, the majority of people who meet me and don't know my age assume I am in my early 40s. I attribute this to a combination of good genes and staying out of the sun when the rest of my generation was "laying out" as we used to call it, tanning with nothing more than baby oil. I walk and/or run at least a mile 6 days a week, and also do what I call my "triple A's" - (abs, ass and arms) routine with light weights. My husband and I often take longer hikes with the dog. Because I didn't really develop any boobs to speak of until after I had my son 24 years ago, I am blessed with still perky tits (less years for gravity to do damage, lol). I am determined to keep aging at bay as much as possible with excercise and a good skin care routine. (My son says, "Mom, you're just delaying the inevitable". To which I reply, "Duh....that's the point, I'll delay it as long as I can!")

My husband will be 59 in December. If I think about it objectively, he looks his age. Not old, but he is not mistaken for being a dozen years younger as I often am. He does take care of his diet and exercise, and actually weighs less than he did 10 years ago. But the point is that I don't really often stop to think about how he's changed since we married 28 years ago. This is my partner, whom I love and who treats me well - we've had many adventures and solved many problems together, raised a child, like a lot of the same stuff, and enjoy each other's company. He's been there for me through all my issues with my dysfunctional family. He gets me and tolerates my weirdness. Oh, and his penis still works, so there's that, too. ;-)

It's funny - I spend more time thinking about me aging and trying to stave it off than I do about him having some wrinkles, etc. Not that I think he would cheat or leave me - I know his love isn't dependent on my looks. Maybe it's a sign of my basic insecurity, I don't know.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

57 is an incredibly beautiful age...


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I think the average man in a long term marriage still find his wife beautiful. Maybe it's "wife goggles" but even though I can see my wife has obviously aged over the decades, she still catches my eye and I make a point of constantly telling her so.

Our current culture is obsessed with youthful appearance. Wanting to stay attractive as we age is not new but today it seems we have people making unhealthy choices. Injecting themselves with botox or going under the knife for bigger boobs or tummy tucks. It's best to accept yourself and be happy in the stage of life that you're in. Taking care of yourself with healthy eating, moderate exercise, and living a balance life is a surer way to a healthy attractive appearance that will allow you to grow old gracefully.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

uhtred said:


> How do people feel about ageing in a life long relationship? Lets face it, no one is as hot at 70 as at 20, so in some sense your partner is not going to be as attractive as when you met.
> 
> For me:
> Rationally I know my wife is not as beautiful as when we met 35 years ago, but its not something I notice, when I look at her, I just see her, unchanged.
> ...


I'm going to answer this in two ways: 1) How I feel about my own aging/attractiveness and 2) How I feel about my Beloved Hubby's aging/attractiveness. 

First, for my own self, I have never, ever considered myself beautiful or attractive. Now don't get me wrong--I'm not bad looking or anything--I'm just not close to being a model or being the definition of Hollywood beauty. Even when I was young I looked pretty much like I look now: a hobbit with long hair and a big smile. So regarding myself, I don't honestly feel I've changed much from my younger days other than that I do have some gray hair and some wrinkles. I think most of my beauty comes from my heart and not necessarily from my physical "looks"... so to me, what do I care if I age? (shrug)

[BTW--I added my senior picture and my picture this year so you can see what I mean]

Second, for my Beloved Hubby. Have any of you ever seen the man? If so, then you'll know what I mean when I say he's not getting less attractive as he ages--he's getting MORE attractive! He has the big baby blues that he's had since he was a kid, but as he gets older his eyes have grown more beautiful with wisdom. He had a smoking hot bod as a soldier, and he kept that physique, only now it is just a little softer...still lean and tight though! He has the same mischievious smile. He has the same messy pencil thin mustache (you know, that swooney Errol Flynn/Clark Gable kind). Add to that beautiful exterior that he has a shining heart, and the man is nothing but attractive. So as for him aging, I have to be honest. I suspect I'll find him irresistible as we age, partly because he's NOT a 20yo with no experience, but rather a fully-grown, adult, mature, truly beautiful human being. 

Now...that doesn't mean that if some person, male or female, walks by who has pretty eyes or a pretty face or a brick house of a bod that we aren't going to notice. I said before that I know we do look and think something like we'd think if we saw a beautiful painting or sculpture. But for me, about 80% of attraction has nothing to do with the exterior and is all about the inner beauty of the person...and that never changes no matter how we age. I look at him and no matter what age we are, I see that young man face, that soldier face, and that beautiful heart in his eyes.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> [BTW--I added my senior picture and my picture this year so you can see what I mean]


Thanks for sharing. 

You changed but you haven’t actually changed, or is it you changed but you didn’t really change. What ever, #stayawesome

ETA: smile, it’s a good thing


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

uhtred said:


> How do people feel about ageing in a life long relationship. Lets face it, no one is as hot at 70 as at 20, so in some sense your partner is not going to be as attractive as when you met.
> 
> For me:
> Rationally I know my wife is not as beautiful as when we met 35 years ago, but its not something I notice, when I look at her, I just see her, unchanged.
> ...


Very pedantic, but when you wrote "John Snow", the UK's famous John Snow popped into my head.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jsmart said:


> I think the average man in a long term marriage still find his wife beautiful. Maybe it's "wife goggles" but even though I can see my wife has obviously aged over the decades, she still catches my eye and I make a point of constantly telling her so.
> 
> Our current culture is obsessed with youthful appearance. Wanting to stay attractive as we age is not new but today it seems we have people making unhealthy choices. Injecting themselves with botox or going under the knife for bigger boobs or tummy tucks. It's best to accept yourself and be happy in the stage of life that you're in. Taking care of yourself with healthy eating, moderate exercise, and living a balance life is a surer way to a healthy attractive appearance that will allow you to grow old gracefully.


Have you seen all the hullaballoo about Keanu dating a woman that's only 9 years younger than him?

It's wild. Women are hot at any age.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

My view: if you married someone who only married you for your looks, and who would be willing to cheat or leave once your looks fade, then you will be well rid of them.

Also, don't be fooled into thinking that your spouse necessarily wants you to remain youthful looking and physically attractive. If you have had problems in the bedroom, your spouse may be relieved when you no longer drive them wild every time they look at you.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Marduk said:


> Have you seen all the hullaballoo about Keanu dating a woman that's only 9 years younger than him?
> 
> It's wild. Women are hot at any age.



He is 55, she is 46. I've seen a lot of snarky comments about her looking 'old enough to be his mother'. It's a bit insane. I think it's just been so long since anyone's seen a real live, natural, un-reworked, gracefully ageing 46 year old woman in the media - much less on the arm of a superstar - that folks have forgotten what one looks like. 

Interestingly, there's much comment about her completely silver hair. The gal that handed me my coffee at Starbucks yesterday had completely silver hair. She was about 20. I guess silver is stylish if you have to pay for it and "old" if you don't....


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Rowan said:


> He is 55, she is 46. I've seen a lot of snarky comments about her looking 'old enough to be his mother'. It's a bit insane. I think it's just been so long since anyone's seen a real live, natural, un-reworked, gracefully ageing 46 year old woman in the media - much less on the arm of a superstar - that folks have forgotten what one looks like.
> 
> Interestingly, there's much comment about her completely silver hair. The gal that handed me my coffee at Starbucks yesterday had completely silver hair. She was about 20. I guess silver is stylish if you have to pay for it and "old" if you don't....


I've told my wife - and I firmly believe - that if her hair goes grey, I'd think that was hot. She'd be my "silver fox."

Hell, the few stray grey hairs she has, I'm sure I've helped put there.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

BTW, one think I don't think works is people trying desperately to look younger than they are. Middle aged and older men and women can look like very attractive middle-aged and older men and women, but if they try to look half their age, its just sort of pathetic.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Rowan said:


> He is 55, she is 46. I've seen a lot of snarky comments about her looking 'old enough to be his mother'. It's a bit insane. I think it's just been so long since anyone's seen a real live, natural, un-reworked, gracefully ageing 46 year old woman in the media - much less on the arm of a superstar - that folks have forgotten what one looks like.
> 
> Interestingly, there's much comment about her completely silver hair. The gal that handed me my coffee at Starbucks yesterday had completely silver hair. She was about 20. I guess silver is stylish if you have to pay for it and "old" if you don't....


The writer of the NY Times article on this purported to be admiring of the pair but was passive-aggressively snarky herself about the woman's looks - she managed to slip in that people think the gf actually looks older than Keanu. (I disagree with this, btw.)

The whole thing was ridiculous.

For my part, I love loyal men. Paul Newman was for me the sexiest star around for his entire life. Keanu Reeves is, in my opinion, not much of an actor, but he seems like a good human being and I'm attracted to that.

When you're in real, deep love, your partner is attractive. My H is pushing 70 and I think he's ridiculously handsome. I don't think that about other (non-Paul-Newman) geriatric men. My H has said that he doesn't see me as an older woman. I'm just the 'me' that he has loved all these years.


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