# Moving out 11/30



## Anthony78 (Nov 18, 2020)

I'm new here. I've been married to a wonderful woman for 12 years, have 2 beautiful children 8 and 10 and life was good. A couple of years ago my wife begged me to show her more attention, both physically and with words of affirmation. I tried for a bit but it never really took for long periods of time. We settled in as married folks do and on went life. About 1 year ago I noticed her pulling away (less sex, less questions, all of it). I've been pretty good with showing her more attention over that time period, but it may be too little too late. She's told me that she has zero romantic feelings left for me but that I check every box that should would look for in a mate. WTF?

She's decided she needs space to figure things out. I've booked an AirBNB for 1 month beginning at the end of this month. She told me today that I shouldn't look at this as the first step towards divorce, but its really hard not to. My heart is broken and she seems to go on about her day. Anyone gone through this and it actually gets better with your spouse or should I be prepared for the worst?


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Anthony78 said:


> A couple of years ago my wife begged me to show her more attention, both physically and with words of affirmation. I tried for a bit but it never really took for long periods of time. We settled in as married folks do and on went life.


Your wife already gave you the keys to the kingdom. If those are her love languages, you need to be doing everything in your power to integrate that into your day-to-day. I think there's hope since she said her goal isn't divorce, but id highly suggest you read the love languages book (at least her sections) to get ideas for dating your wife again. The ball is in your court. If you cant do these things, she is literally missing out on the things that make her feel loved. Even if you have to set reminders until it becomes a routine, this is easy stuff.

Just speaking from the standpoint and perspective of a wife with the same needs.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Why are you moving out?
She’s the one who asked for a break. 
By the way there’s usually only two reasons someone asks for a break. 
1. They want to break up completely but want to do it gradually to get you used to it. 
2. There’s someone else on the scene that she wants to “try out” but she wants you in reserve in case things don’t work out with the new guy. This makes you plan B.

There is a third reason which involves mind games. She wants you to beg her to get back together and this would (in her mind) give her all the power in the relationship. You seem to be thinking that this is what’s happening here but in actual fact I think you’re wrong. I think it’s door number one. 
So I ask again, why are you moving out?


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## Anthony78 (Nov 18, 2020)

We read the book and I have over the past year done alot of those things, but she thinks it may be too little too late. I'm going to keep trying as much as I can but it becomes more difficult when the person on the other end doesn't care to receive it any longer


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## Anthony78 (Nov 18, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> Why are you moving out?
> She’s the one who asked for a break.
> By the way there’s usually only two reasons someone asks for a break.
> 1. They want to break up completely but want to do it gradually to get you used to it.
> ...



I agree with some of what you've said here. I don't think there is anyone else in the picture, and I do think it may be #1. So instead of moving out for a short period of time, what do you suggest? Stay here and be miserable? I really think me being around her and asking where her head is at is doing more damage than good.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Anthony78 said:


> We read the book and I have over the past year done alot of those things, but she thinks it may be too little too late. I'm going to keep trying as much as I can but it becomes more difficult when the person on the other end doesn't care to receive it any longer


What do you mean by "it didn't take" then? That part confused me. Like you two did the book and you stopped doing the suggested things? 

I struggle with this with my husband as well, and I am also strongly leaning towards divorce (though there's other components to our issues). Sometimes people just aren't compatible. My husband and I have opposite love languages, which makes it really hard for him to understand why I would feel unloved or lonely. However, he also refused to finish the book with me after we got through his language because he is a jerk.



Andy1001 said:


> Why are you moving out?
> She’s the one who asked for a break.
> By the way there’s usually only two reasons someone asks for a break.
> 1. They want to break up completely but want to do it gradually to get you used to it.
> ...


I somewhat agree with these, though the third reason does seem obvious. If she is starved for attention/displays of love, then obviously it would take a grand gesture to replenish her. It is really up to OP to decide if he is willing to put up a fight and make up for where he had been lacking. I dont think this would make her feel like she has the "power", but would make her feel valued/fought for again.

Or he could find someone who had needs similar to his own? Both of you sound exhausted and sad.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Anthony78 said:


> I'm new here. I've been married to a wonderful woman for 12 years, have 2 beautiful children 8 and 10 and life was good. A couple of years ago my wife begged me to show her more attention, both physically and with words of affirmation. I tried for a bit but it never really took for long periods of time. We settled in as married folks do and on went life. About 1 year ago I noticed her pulling away (less sex, less questions, all of it). I've been pretty good with showing her more attention over that time period, but it may be too little too late. She's told me that she has zero romantic feelings left for me but that I check every box that should would look for in a mate. WTF?
> 
> She's decided she needs space to figure things out. I've booked an AirBNB for 1 month beginning at the end of this month. She told me today that I shouldn't look at this as the first step towards divorce, but its really hard not to. My heart is broken and she seems to go on about her day. Anyone gone through this and it actually gets better with your spouse or should I be prepared for the worst?


Well, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I think the problem may be that even when you act the way she needs you to act, she knows it's not really sincere. The desire to please her is sincere, but it's fizzling out, as you said. She just knows you aren't really that way. 

I've not been through separation except as the woman who dated a couple of separated guys with divorce pending. Yes, she will most likely try to date. It's not quite as easy to do that as it sounds, depending what age you are, of course. It does sound like she's pretty resolved to ending it. But who knows, with some space and seeing what else is out there, she may at least decide you aren't so bad after all. You just never know. Good luck. Don't hold on waiting for her. Do use this time to start making an active life for yourself.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Anthony78 said:


> I'm new here. I've been married to a wonderful woman for 12 years, have 2 beautiful children 8 and 10 and life was good. A couple of years ago my wife begged me to show her more attention, both physically and with words of affirmation. I tried for a bit but it never really took for long periods of time. We settled in as married folks do and on went life. About 1 year ago I noticed her pulling away (less sex, less questions, all of it). I've been pretty good with showing her more attention over that time period, but it may be too little too late. She's told me that she has zero romantic feelings left for me but that I check every box that should would look for in a mate. WTF?
> 
> She's decided she needs space to figure things out. I've booked an AirBNB for 1 month beginning at the end of this month. She told me today that I shouldn't look at this as the first step towards divorce, but its really hard not to. My heart is broken and she seems to go on about her day. Anyone gone through this and it actually gets better with your spouse or should I be prepared for the worst?


I know you said you don't think anyone else is in the picture, but don't be so sure. I'm not saying there is but there could be and too many people say their spouse would never do that, only to find out they would. It _is _something to look into and keep your ears and eyes open.

As for the separation... It can be very hard, or impossible, to fix the problems in the marriage if you're not under the same roof. How are you supposed to show her more attention if you're separated? If she actually wants to fix the marriage, this is the wrong way to do it. If she wants a divorce and to see what life is like without you, well, she's on tract for that. She needs to be open with you about her intentions.

Sometimes, for certain issues, separations do work out but they need to be done properly. You need to have rules on things such as other partners, chores, kids, etc. You need to have a time limit. You need to talk with a marriage counselor and come up with a plan. You need to have an appropriate level of contact for your issues and weekly marriage counseling.

Have you talked with a marriage counselor? Books are great tools, but they do not replace a good marriage counselor.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Stay where you are. She wants to separate, let her do the separating. She wants to see what it would be like without you, let her find out without any help from you. She doesnt get to stay in her little nest while you are out in the cold. 

When I went thru my divorce I will never forget a friends off hand comment. (I wanted to stay married badly) "As for me, when I am over a man, I'm over!" the comment went thru me like ice. But she is right, and over the next few years I asked a number of women and the response was spot on, and enthusiastically most times!

She is probably gone. Dont beg, dont plead. Read up on the 180, it really is your only chance, slim as it is.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Hoosier said:


> Stay where you are. She wants to separate, let her do the separating.


Absolutely... at least my wife had the decency to move out of our bedroom with the big bed and lovely en-suite...


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Separation never brings two together. Check to assure there is no one in the background. If your W wants to separate she should find a place to live. Not you, you are willing to work on this issue.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

It sounds like this is a case of "when a woman is done, she's done." She's been feeling mostly unloved for most of your marriage. She tried to tell you what she needed but it didn't work. So she started detaching. 

I think if you move out and divorce is not really the end goal you should tell your wife that you intend to date her during the time you are gone. Start back at the beginning. Recreate some of your earliest dates. Tell her you want to learn to do the things she needs but that it will feel forced in the beginning because you are learning, but stress that you want to learn because you do love her.

What are your love languages? How do you show your love normally? Make sure she knows what those are so she can see that you do try to show her, she just wasn't picking up on it. 

But be prepared that none of this could work. Sadly, for most women once they've detached it's very hard to get them back. I wish you luck though!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

have you set up ground rules for the separation....if you have cameras or var in the house i would make sure you do not have uninvited company going there while you are living else where.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Anthony78 said:


> I'm new here. I've been married to a wonderful woman for 12 years, have 2 beautiful children 8 and 10 and life was good. *A couple of years ago my wife begged me to show her more attention, both physically and with words of affirmation. I tried for a bit but it never really took for long periods of time. We settled in as married folks do and on went life.* About 1 year ago I noticed her pulling away (less sex, less questions, all of it). I've been pretty good with showing her more attention over that time period, but it may be too little too late. She's told me that she has zero romantic feelings left for me but that I check every box that should would look for in a mate. WTF?
> 
> She's decided she needs space to figure things out. I've booked an AirBNB for 1 month beginning at the end of this month. She told me today that I shouldn't look at this as the first step towards divorce, but its really hard not to. My heart is broken and she seems to go on about her day. Anyone gone through this and it actually gets better with your spouse or should I be prepared for the worst?


Let me give you a little perspective on all the advice you are getting here -- see what I bolded...?? If it was your wife who was on here posting this about YOU, almost everyone would be telling her that she did everything she could to get through to you, and that you were the typical spouse who would never change, and it was time for her to contact a lawyer to begin separation/divorce proceedings so she could find someone better who would care about her.

You say in your first sentence, "life was good", but clearly that was only YOUR view of your marriage, and when your wife reached out to you BEGGING for you to meet her needs, you never let it "take". While I definitely understand how that happens, and can sympathize with the challenges of meeting a spouse's needs, THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES...and you are now being handed yours.
Why would you think "WTF?" to yourself about her loss of feelings for you, when you've made her feel like you don't care about her? What did you expect to happen?

Like I said, I feel sympathy for you because it's very common for people to have to lose something in order to appreciate it's value...and that's what's happening to you with your marriage now. The problem is, your inability to make your wife's needs a priority to you when it mattered for her damaged her TRUST in you to ever care. And it's nearly impossible for that to be restored once it's gone. You can take the other posters' advice and not leave, or make her leave, but that won't change your position in her heart one bit - you are a source of loneliness and disappointment for her now (and have probably been for a long time), and since you put yourself in that position, you've given up the power to change it. They key was to stay out of that spot - but you ignored the directions to do so, that SHE GAVE YOU, and I think it's too late now.

I'm sorry, but I think you need to prepare for the worst.


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