# Him 'taking care of business' himself over sex with me...



## EliseBlue (Nov 13, 2012)

Hi All,

Not too sure if this is a common problem or not but was hoping for some perspective and advice. 

I'll be the first to admit that I do not have the highest sex drive ever, but I do still enjoy it and like to have sex regularly ie a few times a week. For me, my issue is that my husband seems to prefer to self pleasure himself than to have sex with me. 

I have talked to him about this how this is hurtful, that I would rather him come to me so we could have some fun together but nothing changes. I understand that he has a higher sex drive than me and I don't expect for a moment that he never masturbates but when we're both at home and able to do the deed he'll go to the bathroom and have 'fun for one' rather than seeking me for fun for two. 

I've tried initiating sex (which I do struggle with for fear or rejection and other reasons) but usually when I initiate it, he's not in the mood or too tired and he just seems to have pity sex and the sex is horrible. 

When I've talked to him about this he's taken the 'feedback' on board but nothing ever eventuates. We have a boring routine where it's usually sex once a week on a Saturday morning and that's it. I've tried to bring variety and mix up the routine but nothing sticks. 

Am I being unreasonable to hope that my husband might want to have sex with me once in a while rather than himself, or is this something normal? Is there anything I can do to change this?

For what it's worth, I've never turned him down for sex - I may not be in the mood to begin with but I do quickly get into it so it's not like we're doing it 'starfish' style.

Thanks for taking the time to read!


----------



## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

Could be that he lacks the confidence in himself and it becomes easier to pleasure himself rather than have "horrible" sex.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

He sounds like a lazy man/lover. He doesn't want to put the effort into getting you off but is happy to satisfy himself on his own, no need for any effort from him.

How long has he been like this? I doubt things will improve.


----------



## EliseBlue (Nov 13, 2012)

Thanks for the reply ARF. To clarify a little further - the sex is usually 'horrible' - (probably too strong of a word, maybe 'average' is better word) when I initiate it. Of a Saturday morning it's good and the rare occasion when it's outside of that time and he's initiated it, it's good too.

But good point how he's taking the 'easier' option. I guess that than leads to the question of how to get the intimacy back so he wants to make an effort?


----------



## EliseBlue (Nov 13, 2012)

Holland said:


> He sounds like a lazy man/lover. He doesn't want to put the effort into getting you off but is happy to satisfy himself on his own, no need for any effort from him.
> 
> How long has he been like this? I doubt things will improve


Thanks or the reply. I don't know if lazy is the right word, but you've got me thinking, and selfish seems more fitting which ties in all too well with another thread I started.

It's been like this way a loooong time, I would even go as far as saying years.

I hope things will improve - I had a little glimmer of hope the last time I brought up this issue and then a week or so later he inititiated sex of a night and said to me "I was raring to go this morning, but I waited for you tonight", that, as absurd as it sounds, is probably the most romantic thing he's ever said to me and the biggest turn on. But of course, like everything else, it was a once off and just lapsed back into old habits.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I know you know this but it has to get sorted out. The resentment will build and build and you deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your sex life.

Is he just not hearing you or not taking it seriously enough when you talk?
Do you guys use toys together in bed? It is one way to bring some spice into the bed and a very easy way for you to get off.


----------



## EliseBlue (Nov 13, 2012)

Holland said:


> I know you know this but it sorted out. The resentment will build and build and you deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your sex life.
> 
> Is he just not hearing you or not taking it seriously enough when you talk?
> Do you guys use toys together in bed? It is one way to bring some spice into the bed and a very easy way for you to get off.


I honestly don't know. I'm sure he hears me but obvisiously doesn't act upon it. He seems to have adopted the attitude "she'll get over it" which I guess I have enabled because I don't necessarily get over it, I just don't press the issue.

We have used toys a lot in the past and been quite adventurous but the toys are gathering dust at the moment. I wouldn't feel confident enough bringing them out at the moment.


----------



## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

Maybe because of the stress that he feel from his work, it lessen his sex drive.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I can't comment on whether your husband preferring to practice self love over having sex with you is normal in other relationships. But I would say that if I had a choice between cranking it or having my wife offer me sex - I'd take the sex 10 out of 10 times. Then again, I'm HD and I could go multiple times per day - every day and I am NEVER too tired for sex...


----------



## countrybumpkin (Nov 8, 2012)

My husband went through a period where he would prefer porn over sex. I eventually got sick of it and after years of fighting about it, we mostly got over it...mostly. There are times that he will still choose himself over me and it's pretty annoying.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Is he using porn?

Does he realise that his neglect of you has put your relationship, trust and intimacy at great risk? 

Have you given him an ultimatum and stuck with it?


----------



## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

If you think the sex is bad then he thinks the sex is bad also so he might just be thinking it easier to do it hiself then just go throught the motions.

Instead of fighting it why not get involed,When you are laying in bed take his hand put it on his penis and tell him you want to see how he does it so you will know better what he wants,if he is shy give him a glass of wine first and you could also lay next to him and do youself telling him how hot it is.Let him know when he get the urge you want to be next to him and pretty soon that will turn into other bedroom activities.Things like this will help in getting your bedroom hotter.


----------



## EliseBlue (Nov 13, 2012)

countrybumpkin said:


> My husband went through a period where he would prefer porn over sex. I eventually got sick of it and after years of fighting about it, we mostly got over it...mostly. There are times that he will still choose himself over me and it's pretty annoying.


Did anything happen to get over it or it just happened of its own accord?



*LittleDeer* said:


> Is he using porn?
> 
> Does he realise that his neglect of you has put your relationship, trust and intimacy at great risk?
> 
> Have you given him an ultimatum and stuck with it?


I'm 99% sure that he is. It was an issue at the start of our relationship - not so much that he was using it but he was being deceitful about it and lying saying that he'd stop but start again knowing what my thoughts were - it became more about the point of the matter not the porn itself. That's what hurt me. These days I guess I just turn a blind eye, not worth the fight. 

No idea, I'd hope not because to think that he's doing it knowingly.... But I've spelled it out for him so it's not really something he can miss.

No ultimation - I want him to do it because he wants to, not because I've begged him or made an ultimation.


----------



## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Look at your relationship,look at how and what you can try and do to change things and do not just sit around blamming porn.


----------



## EliseBlue (Nov 13, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> If you think the sex is bad then he thinks the sex is bad also so he might just be thinking it easier to do it hiself then just go throught the motions.
> 
> Instead of fighting it why not get involed,When you are laying in bed take his hand put it on his penis and tell him you want to see how he does it so you will know better what he wants,if he is shy give him a glass of wine first and you could also lay next to him and do youself telling him how hot it is.Let him know when he get the urge you want to be next to him and pretty soon that will turn into other bedroom activities.Things like this will help in getting your bedroom hotter.


The sex generally isn't bad - just when I initiate it and he can't be stuffed.

I've told him how hot I think it'd be if he did it with me present or so I could join in/watch/have fun with myself while he's doing it - happened once and that was it, like everything else, he puts in a half arsed effort once and then that's it. 

I'd try to join in, but it's hard when he locks himself in the bathroom to do it. And do I really want to have to force myself upon him, doesn't do great things for the self confidence....


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Porn can be very harmful, and often seems easier then having sex. If the porn is a problem and it is obviously interfering with your sex life (well your husbands choice to use it over having a great sex life with you) why do you turn a blind eye to it?

Are you happy in this marriage? Do you want this to continue?

If he doesn't seek help and actually see consequences- very real ones to his actions then eh has no incentive to change. Some people need a big push to help them see the light.

I would say if it were me "I am giving you 6 months to make real sustained change and effort in our marriage. I want you to come to counselling, to go to individual counselling, to stop using porn instead of avoiding having a sex life with me. I want you to understand the harm you are doing to our relationship, because your actions will eventually kill all the love I have for you and erode my self esteem. This puts our marriage in danger We are not bonding and we are not intimate and I don't feel desired by you- which is something I deserve. If in 6 months I don't see great change and a huge improvement I am leaving. If things start to slide back to were we are now again, I will leave. I am giving you this opportunity to help me make our marriage good, strong, connected and one worth saving."

Do no waste one more day with a man who puts masturbation and porn before your intimate relationship.


----------



## EliseBlue (Nov 13, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> Look at your relationship,look at how and what you can try and do to change things and do not just sit around blamming porn.


I'm not blaming porn at all - that ship sailed a long time ago. It hasn't even factored into my thinking, you brought it up, I responded.

That's why I'm here - to try and get an objective point of view on my realtionship as I feel like I've tried all that I can do. TBH this particular matter I've brought up is kind of minor compared to the other thread I've posted where I feel like the whole relationship is in limbo, mainly due to his selfishness. Just figured if I can fix the other aspect of our marriage then I want to fix this as well.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

OK, so your husband wacks it off to porn instead of having sex with you, and is selfish in other ways. Your husband using porn is a problem.

Your intimacy is a direct reflection of his selfishness in other areas, it's all connected. 

If you have tried all you can do why are you still there? 

he knows you aren't going any where so he is going to keep on keeping on.


----------



## EliseBlue (Nov 13, 2012)

Some good food for thought, LittleDeer, thank you.

I think the porn is just by-product of him masturbating - I think the masturbation is the problem not the porn. 

That's why I feel like I'm in limbo, I'm not sure whether I want to continue this relationship or not and whether I'm staying in it for the wrong reasons. 

You're right when you say that by just putting up with it is enabling the behaviour. There's been no real consequences for his actions. But that's where I'm torn - I want him to do something because he wants to, not because I've asked or he's doing it in fear of me leaving him. For me, it defeats the purpose then.

You ask why I'm still hanging around if I feel I've tried all I can do. I guess this forum is a last resort. See if I can get some outside opinions, maybe it's me, maybe I'm being unreasonable, maybe people have suggestions, ideas or comments that I have not thought of.


----------



## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I did not bring up porn littledeer did as usual. If you look at my post I am saying to try and think outside the box.

I have not read your other post,but if he is that selfish he could just be doing it to hurt you since he knows you don't like it and it something he can do to keep you out.


----------



## EliseBlue (Nov 13, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> I did not bring up porn littledeer did as usual. If you look at my post I am saying to try and think outside the box.
> 
> I have not read your other post,but if he is that selfish he could just be doing it to hurt you since he knows you don't like it and it something he can do to keep you out.


I apologise - you just mentioned blaming porn and sometimes that can be the easy out which I truly think is not the problem in this case.

He said he's genuinely not trying to hurt me, it just happens. I don't believe he's spiteful like that.


----------



## FrustratedInBama (Nov 14, 2012)

I can't think of any situation where I would rather rub one off than have sex with my wife. I really don't want to step too far out on a limb here, but do you know what kind of porn he watches as he takes care of business? Do you think it could be gay porn or something? Maybe he's into something that you can't provide?


----------



## WanderingTheDesert (Nov 15, 2012)

FrustratedInBama said:


> I can't think of any situation where I would rather rub one off than have sex with my wife.


I'm embarrassed to say that I'm a husband who relies more on masturbation then sexual congress with the wife. It's not that I truly PREFER masturbation, but I can count on it, whereas I cannot rely on my wife to respond sexually. I don't know if my situation is anything like the OP's, but after many years of serial rejection ranging from passive aggressive (petting me in such a manner to relax me to sleep), to downright "No! I will not have sex with you", and slowly, but surely removing items from the sexual menu until there is 1, maybe 2 positions, on the same bed in the same room at the same time of day on the same day of the week. Through this, I learned that porn is kind of "on demand" and provides variety, timeliness, availability, and the female actors seem to be into it.

I'm not trying to hijack the OP's thread, and I certainly believe that porn/masturbation in place of a satisfying marital sex life is destructive. That said, I think there is a situation where a husband would rely on these other sources of stimulation. Perhaps 'Bama is right and the OPs hubs is into something deviant or taboo (subject to interpretation by the individuals in the marriage), as I feel that my need for frequency and variety-though quite vanilla, really-is considered deviant/taboo by my own wife.

I suspect OPs hubs is as frustrated as she is.


----------

