# husband won't step up



## Staci24 (Mar 18, 2015)

My husband and I have been together for about six years. We've had our money problems in the past as he hasn't been able to hold down a full time job for longer than six months since we got married (2 years ago). Initially, it wasn't for lack of trying. He's applied to tons of jobs but hasn't been getting call backs. Eventually, we decided that he would stay at home with our son, our daughter's in daycare still, while he completes his bachelor's degree. 

Recently, new things have come up. Like, the AC in our car stopped working, we live in Florida. I don't make enough to get a new car but it's stressful to drive a car in 80 degree weather, 5 o'clock traffic, and two unhappy kids. Daycare is becoming a hassle as they're raising the rates. I'm looking for a better paying job, but no luck. 

My thing is, am I wrong for wanting my husband to want to step up? I feel as if I'm drowning. I'm robbing Peter to pay Paul on all our bills as I don't make enough to cover our expenses: rent, internet, light, water, daycare, food. Since I don't make enough to pay bills I feel like I'm just working at a miserable job, just to barely cover bills. I'm in grad school now because I feel like an advanced degree will help me get a better job. I use student loans to help with bills.

I don't know what to do at this point. If I talk to him, he gets defensive. I'm stuck and depressed and I'm unsure of what my next step should be.... I want him to get a degree but it's stressful supporting an entire family with growing needs on my own. Sorry to vent.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Staci24 said:


> My husband and I have been together for about six years. We've had our money problems in the past as he hasn't been able to hold down a full time job for longer than six months since we got married (2 years ago). Initially, it wasn't for lack of trying. He's applied to tons of jobs but hasn't been getting call backs. Eventually, we decided that he would stay at home with our son, our daughter's in daycare still, while he completes his bachelor's degree.
> 
> Recently, new things have come up. Like, the AC in our car stopped working, we live in Florida. I don't make enough to get a new car but it's stressful to drive a car in 80 degree weather, 5 o'clock traffic, and two unhappy kids. Daycare is becoming a hassle as they're raising the rates. I'm looking for a better paying job, but no luck.
> 
> ...


The only slam-dunk I see here is telling your husband to watch both kids. If he can watch one then he can watch two IMO. Yes it will be less convenient, but doable if he is not working in addition to school.

Beyond that, what are you specifically proposing he do?

You said he looked for a job but could not get anyone to hire him. Do you think at some point he stopped trying to find work (before starting school)? Keep in mind that not finding a suitable job does not mean he was not trying. There are many, many long-term unemployed out there, simply because they still outnumber available jobs.

Are you suggesting he quit school and take any job available? My take is that completing that degree is the key to a better financial future, so that should be a very last resort.

Also, A/C is a luxury and not a need. I'm early 40s and my family did not own a car with A/C until I was 16 (I live where it cracks 100 even well into the fall sometimes). Before then we bought stripped down cars and ran them into the ground.

My advice is:

1. No new cars or other large purchases. Do the minimum necessary to keep these running safely.
2. Have your H watch both kids and stop paying day care
3. Have him take more classes if he can handle them without letting grades slip.
4. Have your H pursue his classes in the most economical manner possible (community college where possible, in-state public university if he is not already there).
5. If you're too stressed, consider postponing working on your grad degree until he gets his undergrad. The undergrad probably has more bang for the buck, and you already have a marketable skill where he does not.


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## stop (Mar 18, 2015)

I'm curious as to why the husband can't hold a job for more than 6 months and when the last time was that he had employment for a significant period of time.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

stop said:


> I'm curious as to why the husband can't hold a job for more than 6 month


Yeah what's with that?

Does he get fired? Does he decide he doesn't like the job and quit?

Is he just a "bad luck victim" of company wide layoffs?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why isn't he able to keep his jobs? What's going on? Did he have a history/pattern of not holding a job down prior to your getting married?

Idk why he isn't able to babysit both kids if he's home.

And no, I don't think you are wrong for wanting him to be able to contribute and help you/the family out. Most people would want a partner who helps out in various ways.


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## Staci24 (Mar 18, 2015)

Usually he gets fired. When I met him, he was working. When we met, we were both living in Tampa. A year later, I relocated to be closer to my family, he did the same. He had a job lined up in his home town and everything. After three months, he decided to move to be with me because we couldn't take the long distance any longer. 

That's when it all changed. He hasn't had the best luck in the new city. He had to sell his car because the costs of maintaining it become too much. So, with just one car and my work schedule, he found it hard to get to work on time so he lost that one job. The next job he got he lost because he had to miss work because I went into labor. The next job he lost because of like a "last one hired, first one fired" type of thing. He was on time, he stayed late, he asked for help when necessary but one day, he just got the axe. Once that happened, we decided he needed to focus on school instead. 

He doesn't watch both kids because we didn't want her to fall behind in her development. We waited two years before we put her in daycare, then he got a job so we put her in daycare. After he lost his job, we didn't want to take her out because of how well she was doing in daycare. We saw a great deal of improvement after we kept her in daycare. 

Thanks for your responses! I think I was going through it because I feel as if he should want to step up. It's hard being the only breadwinner in the household. I understand the best thing for him is get his degree but it's frustrating.


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

It sounds like you are frustrated because he isn't meeting your expectations, and that's understandable. Honestly, there is nothing you can do about it but support the man you saw so much potential in. You married him because you believed he would be a great partner, has anything really change since then? It sounds like he's been in and out of jobs from the time you met him, so something else must have left you with the belief that he would be a good partner. What was it? Try to remember that reason whenever you get frustrated, and if what you believed is true, it will work out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How many classes a semester is he taking? It had better be at least 4.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

What made you decide to have two children when your finances were not in order? What is your undergraduate degree in and why do you think graduate school will assist you in obtaining a higher paying job?

I'm a university professor. Our graduate students are aiming for a teaching track and will need another degree to reach the doctoral level. You are spending your student loans on the upkeep of your family. This is robbing Peter to pay Paul. Many of our graduate students are struggling financially, without families to provide for. You cannot stay afloat financially with this strategy.

You need to get counseling assistance from your campus. There are free student services for counseling. I believe that you and your husband will need to avail yourself of this service to get into the right track so that your goals can be met.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

He's trying, what more can you ask? Husbands aren't genies, they can't make money magically appear. I went through a stretch to where I kept getting layed off because the economy was so bad. I hear new college grads are taking 2 to 3 years to find jobs. It's tough out there and the two of you are going to have to work together to get through this. Hey, maybe YOU should step up.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Staci24 said:


> He doesn't watch both kids because we didn't want her to fall behind in her development. We waited two years before we put her in daycare, then he got a job so we put her in daycare. After he lost his job, we didn't want to take her out because of how well she was doing in daycare. We saw a great deal of improvement after we kept her in daycare.
> 
> Thanks for your responses! I think I was going through it because I feel as if he should want to step up. It's hard being the only breadwinner in the household. I understand the best thing for him is get his degree but it's frustrating.


I know you say your daughter is doing well in day care, but I would still pull her in order to help your family financially. You can find free classes that you can enroll her in that your husband can take her to or find things online to help her learn new things with your husband's help. He can take her to play dates and so on, too. Day care is expensive, so that should help quite a bit to save some money. 

You should also go over all your expenses to make sure you are not over paying on anything(cell phone, internet, etc.). Get rid of cable/satellite if you have it and any other non necessities. Hopefully your husband is taking a full load as well, at least 12 units a semester.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Anonymous07 said:


> Hopefully your husband is taking a full load as well, at least 12 units a semester.


Is he?


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## Staci24 (Mar 18, 2015)

He wasn't at first but now he plans to take a full load from now on to speed up the process. I guess I needed an opportunity to vent. I'm seeing things a bit clearer. However, when expenses pile up, I feel like I'm suffocating. I want a chance to breathe. It will be another year and a half before he is done. It's hard accepting the fact that I have to support this household for so long. I worry because alcohol has become my only ally. Pray for me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your income low enough that he could get some financial aid? Even a work study job on campus might be a great help.

Is he getting student loans?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sorry but no man should be depending on his wife to support the family while he attends school unless he's taking 12-18 hours a semester. UNTIL he is taking that many hours, you need to tell him that you expect him to get a part-time job at Jack in the Box or something to help with expenses. I have a college student daughter. I know the difference between 12-hour semesters and 9-hour semesters. Your husband has a LOT of free time on his hands. This is unexcusable. Time to put your foot down.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Definitely talk to service providers on campus, in your city, and in your county. You may qualify for support in ways you didn't consider. For example, do you use WIC? It can help a lot with groceries until you and he are both done with school. Piecing together bits of support takes some effort, but it can provide breathing room. 

If h is taking care of the kids, he can keep your daughter's development progressing by taking advantage of programs for kids--free outings at museums, parks, whatever. Removing her from day care doesn't mean her development stops!

And while two kids in a hot care is a drag, remember it was the way of life for a LONG time! It won't kill ya! Keep fluids in your freezer (at home and at work) to have in the car when transporting the kids--a cool bottle or drink may be enough to help them stay calmer. 

Lots of people go through a really tough stage when starting out as a family--it's actually an historical phenomenon. Remember that "this too shall pass," and vent when you need to. Putting together the small pieces that can create little breathing spaces may be what you need to do for a few years. Yep, exhausting--but so worth it.

And try to pull together with your h. Viewing each other as part of the problem won't help. Ask him to help you brain storm what EACH of you can do to help more. He gets to share his ideas and may have some that didn't occur to you. Be sure that no one vetoes anything until after brainstorming is completely over--keep a running list for a few days and then, at the weekend or something, start going through them together.

Good luck.


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## ZDog377 (May 31, 2015)

sisters359 said:


> Definitely talk to service providers on campus, in your city, and in your county. You may qualify for support in ways you didn't consider. For example, do you use WIC? It can help a lot with groceries until you and he are both done with school. Piecing together bits of support takes some effort, but it can provide breathing room.
> 
> If h is taking care of the kids, he can keep your daughter's development progressing by taking advantage of programs for kids--free outings at museums, parks, whatever. Removing her from day care doesn't mean her development stops!
> 
> ...


It won't hurt to apply for all types of assistance. We applied for assistance on health care bills and were surprised to receive 50% off. The worst they can tell you is no........


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## violet37 (Apr 8, 2014)

I wanted to add, make sure the education he is getting is something that is in demand. There are way too many people out there with degrees that don't really benefit them. He needs to be taking 15 hours in a marketable field. Much of it can be done online. Be sure to check out every possible scholarship opportunity, even small $100 scholarships and grants will add up. I know it seems hard now, but it's amazing the bills that can be trimmed back. we had to do it ourselves for 3 years. Satellite is unneeded, only need the min mobile package, may need internet for convenience for online classes. Could save on daycare that way. Come college programs even offer help with daycare. sign up for WIC and other programs to help. Many things can be given up short term. I have no problem with people getting help short term while they work to better themselves. You got a lot of great responses here, check them out.


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