# What's wrong with me?



## sparkle51 (Jun 10, 2014)

I am newly married - we have been married for just about 6 months.

My husband and I didn't live together before we got married. Marriage has been a rough adjustment for me. 

Lately I just feel like he doesn't love me. There is a huge lack of affection (physically and emotionally). I feel as though I irritate him more than make him happy. Lately I have gotten onto the trend where I am constantly saying things that I notice other couples/men do for their wives. I am constantly pointing it out to him (thinking maybe he'd get the hint) but now it's become more of me just putting him down. He obviously didn't get the hint. I even did the whole "speak each other's love language" quiz and told him how important it was to speak each other's love language. I've gone out of my way to speak his language but he's not speaking mine. I don't know how to express to him that I am not 100% happy and to get it through to him without him taking it the wrong way..

Little things I do irritate him too... I do all the household chores and most of the cooking. If I am doing laundry and a specific piece of clothing of his is missing, he gets so incredibly mad that he never knows where anything is... 

He's also starting cursing alot (not at me, just in general) more than before we were married. I have asked him to stop and that I don't appreciate it but he does it anyway. 

I don't know...
maybe it's me. Maybe I'm too naggy and annoying.... I don't know.

Any advice on what to do? I still love him with all of my heart. Can't give up on him quite just yet.....


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

sparkle51 said:


> maybe it's me.



Maybe it's him...

Someone who gets mad over laundry has anger issues, in my opinion.

Husbands are supposed to treat their wives with affection and compassion. It doesn't sound like yours does that.

The problem however is that he needs a role model. He needs another man who can show him how to be a good husband. You can't do it, because it *will* sound like nagging.

How does his father treat his mother? That will tell you a lot about how he might treat you.

How old are the two of you? Do you go to church? I only ask that question because some churches have resources for married couples that might help you.

If you want to work on this you will have to do more than just do the quiz. You should both read the Love Languages book and the His Needs, Her Needs book.


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## sparkle51 (Jun 10, 2014)

sparkyjim said:


> Maybe it's him...
> 
> Someone who gets mad over laundry has anger issues, in my opinion.
> 
> ...


We are both in our mid 20s.

His mom and dad got divorced when he was 14. I am not sure how his dad treated his mom when they were together, but I do know that his dad cheated on his mom after 25 years of marriage. He has a distant relationship with his dad and always claims to never want to be like him.

You make a good point though... maybe he has really lacked a male role model in his life.

I just feel like we have poor communication skills.... even though we are constantly reminding each other how important communication is in a relationship...

We do not go to church. He grew up in a church and I think is burnt out.

Maybe I could talk him into going.

Or at least reading those books...


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

sparkle51 said:


> I just feel like we have poor communication skills.... even though we are constantly reminding each other how important communication is in a relationship...


Yup. 

You do have to tell a man exactly what you want with clear verbs in it, but you have to do it in a way that is not condescending. Pointing out what other couples do runs the risk of an implication he is not as good as Tom, ****, or Harry.

You can do it without pointing out other couples. Like "I want you to take the garbage out when it is full, not overflowing."

Instead of "Tom takes Sally's garbage out before it is overflowing. Why can't you be more like him..."


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

Living together is world's away from just dating so not living together pre-marriage puts massive pressure on you both as you've probably only seen the best of each other up until that point and now you're experiencing the good and bad parts of each others personalities, it doesn't live up to expectations. 

I'm sure before you lived together you never criticized him because he paid the right amount of attention to you but now living with him, he still has his own interests and you're having expectations of what his behavior should be. 

Nobody likes to be criticized or negatively compared to others. It automatically builds a wall to prevent being hurt, so every time you do it is pushing him further away and exactly why he is not showing you much/any affection. I suggest you completely stop mentioning how other people act in relationships and focus on positives, start complimenting things he does no matter how small to show you appreciate him. You need to regain his affection by being more like the person you were before you lived together (ie. still you, just not the naggy, needy you!).

Re the laundry..simple, stop doing his laundry, let him appreciate what you do for him by missing it when it's not provided! Don't let him take you for granted.

Re the swearing..he probably always swore that much but you didn't live together before marriage so there's no way you would know how much he does it. Don't try and change too much about him or he will feel completely stifled, like a prisoner in his own home never able to be himself and I guarantee he won't stick around. Let him be him but also let him know when things hurt you and how you miss his touch and want to fix things. You're both responsible for making things work so he also needs to acknowledge their are failings on both sides.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Anomnom said:


> I suggest you completely stop mentioning how other people act in relationships and focus on positives, start complimenting things he does no matter how small to show you appreciate him.
> 
> Re the laundry..simple, stop doing his laundry, let him appreciate what you do for him by missing it when it's not provided! Don't let him take you for granted.
> 
> Let him be him but also let him know when things hurt you and how you miss his touch and want to fix things. You're both responsible for making things work so he also needs to acknowledge their are failings on both sides.


Good advice!

Using "I" statements is so important. "I feel happy when I hear xyz," "I feel sad when I see xyz," etc. Try to avoid the word "you."

And deciding to be pro-active and show appreciation really helps, too. It resets your focus.

But you might also realize after a time that this is not in fact the person you want to spend your life with. Be careful not to get pregnant. It will make deciding what to do even more complicated.

Best of luck.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

It sounds to me like he's being a Grade A jackass here, but two things you said (A. Getting angry over little things and B. Cursing into the air) are usually indicators of unhealthy levels of stress. 

Is something wrong, perhaps at his job?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long did you date before you got married?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Males don't usually pick up on hints. You need to be direct when you are trying to get across what you want. Living with someone -- even someone who love very much -- is not always easy. Especially when you are just starting out.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

My suggestion is be clear on behaviour you find objectionable. If he's unhappy with how you do the laundry point out the location of the washer. Unhappy with the food point out the stove. He will treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. If you nip unacceptable behaviour in the bud early on things will be much easier for both of you. 

And it's true us guys don't tend to pick up on clues, particularly on subject matters that don't really interest us. Don't beat around the bush. If you want him to cook a meal ask him to cook a meal. If you want him to do a load of laundry ask him to do a load of laundry. 

I know if my partner pointed out some other guy did something better than I did my response would be along the lines, "I guess you married the wrong guy...if it will make you happier why don't you move in with him?"


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I always recommend living together prior to ANY long term commitments.

I would suggest you make an issues list and prioritize the importance of them. Focus on the most important and work your way down.

When you talk about it with him, SMILE and be optimistic about it. DO NOT show anger or be agitated, and when it comes, walk away and come back when back to normal.

Express to him (nicely) how important these issues are.

Stick to it and see if it helps. 

Intimacy should be your priority. What was the last time you initiated sex? If you are not doing it 3-4 times a week YOURSELF, you are part of the problem as well. Both of you should be doing it on regular basis!!!


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