# Why did you do it?



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

This is for the Waywards on TAM

In a sentence, why did you engage in infidelity?

Your own personal story.

(The B partners be nice!)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aine said:


> This is for the Waywards on TAM
> 
> In a sentence, why did you engage in infidelity?
> 
> ...


It's not the betrayed partners who might cause any problems. 

Problems are often caused by those who have had absolutely *zero* personal experience of infidelity but who know exactly what the betrayed spouse should do _



"kick them to the kerb! Throw them out of the house! Run away with the kids! Take all the money out of the bank accounts! Send the videos and photographs of the having sex with their lover to everyone, including their granny! Beat up their lover!"

Click to expand...

_ are all "helpful"  suggestions that I have seen on TAM throughout the years I have been here.

And all of them would result in the poor betrayed spouse ending up in jail.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Its an ugly truth.....but you asked. I will say that for me there were a few issues. I am perfectly happy with my life but cheated anyway. Why? Primarily because I honestly wasn't at a point where I viewed infidelity as that big of a deal. I've never seen it that way, and I didn't really see it cause anyone pain until I was far into adult hood. I honestly always thought that a woman on the side was something that every man was entitled to as long as he took care of his family. I know how that sounds but that's what I thought. That's also what I witnessed and lived through growing up. 

The other reason is going to make me sound horrible, but its the truth. Cheating is fun. Don't believe for a second that a cheating spouse did not enjoy their affair. Its an escape from reality that offers things regular everyday life can't. Thats why many don't want to let go of it.

You'll never hear from me that my needs weren't met, or my wife was mean, etc. etc. It was a choice that I made.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Its an ugly truth.....but you asked. I will say that for me there were a few issues. I am perfectly happy with my life but cheated anyway. Why? Primarily because I honestly wasn't at a point where I viewed infidelity as that big of a deal. I've never seen it that way, and I didn't really see it cause anyone pain until I was far into adult hood. I honestly always thought that a woman on the side was something that every man was entitled to as long as he took care of his family. I know how that sounds but that's what I thought. That's also what I witnessed and lived through growing up.
> 
> The other reason is going to make me sound horrible, but its the truth. Cheating is fun. Don't believe for a second that a cheating spouse did not enjoy their affair. Its an escape from reality that offers things regular everyday life can't. Thats why many don't want to let go of it.
> 
> You'll never hear from me that my needs weren't met, or my wife was mean, etc. etc. It was a choice that I made.


:wtf:

Thanks for that insight. No. _*Really*_ thanks for that insight.

You have made me realise why I had my revenge affair. It was fun. 

Fun because I was with someone who hadn't cheated on me, who didn't disparage me for wanting to watch Star Trek.

God, That sounds so weak.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> It just happened.


Really? Just happened? Mine didn't.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> Cheating is fun. Don't believe for a second that a cheating spouse did not enjoy their affair. Its an escape from reality that offers things regular everyday life can't. Thats why many don't want to let go of it


Is it though? My W tells me that even the affair was fun it was stressful also, keeping all the lies straight, the guilt coming home to me, risk of someone seeing you with the AP....she says that being caught actually gave her some relief from all that stress, I do believe this, am not very good at lying and would be a wreck trying to pull something off like an affair....

But to the OP question, I first got the "it just happened BS" , but soon after I called her out on that she said she liked the attention from the OM and fell for it....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Is it though? My W tells me that even the affair was fun it was stressful also, keeping all the lies straight, the guilt coming home to me, risk of someone seeing you with the AP....she says that being caught actually gave her some relief from all that stress, I do believe this, am not very good at lying and would be a wreck trying to pull something off like an affair....
> 
> But to the OP question, I first got the "it just happened BS" , but soon after I called her out on that she said she liked the attention from the OM and fell for it....


My revenge affair was with a friend of my wife. Well, a former friend of hers. My wife had told her something in confidence that made OW think she was going to be able to take me away from my wife, by making a play for me.

That got a bit complicated...


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Is it though? My W tells me that even the affair was fun it was stressful also, keeping all the lies straight, the guilt coming home to me, risk of someone seeing you with the AP....she says that being caught actually gave her some relief from all that stress, I do believe this, am not very good at lying and would be a wreck trying to pull something off like an affair....
> 
> But to the OP question, I first got the "it just happened BS" , but soon after I called her out on that she said she liked the attention from the OM and fell for it....


Regarding stress and guilt I think people pretty much rationalize most of that away. You don't think you're hurting anyone if no one knows. I would only believe a person was miserable in an affair if they stopped it on their own. Otherwise the affair meant more to them than whatever guilt they may feel.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

CantBelieveThis said:


> My W tells me that even the affair was fun it was stressful


Its like old Chuck ****ens said, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way."


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

VladDracul said:


> Its like old Chuck ****ens said, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way."


Just like with cheating, that book did not end well for the main character.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

For me, I had a ONS. The ultimate reason is that I am selfish and wanted to do it, but here were the justifications I used:

-Never felt attractive to my spouse, never desired by her.
-I was in the best shape of my life and still undesired by my wife.
-I recently recovered from my 3rd heart surgery and had a feeling like I would die without every feeling desired.
-I was very successful in my job and felt like I deserved to be treated better.
-I was very drunk after celebrating a successful project on a business trip.
-I was chased and it was almost like something from a movie - she gave me her hotel key and room number, even got the front desk attendant to stop me on the way to my room and give me a note.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

aine said:


> This is for the Waywards on TAM
> 
> In a sentence, why did you engage in infidelity?
> 
> ...


I think most regular posters already know, but it's complicated. Yet it's also stupidly simple.

I was young, got pregnant accidentally while on antibiotics that reduce the effectiveness of the Pill, couldn't bring myself to abort or give the baby up, so I married her father to "do the right thing".

I didn't love him, wasn't really attracted to him, and he didn't have a hope in hell of meeting my physical, intellectual, or emotional needs. I was miserable. So, I had affairs just to feel something good, to have those needs met for a while so I could cope with going home and dealing with exH.

And, of course, because I enjoyed the company of the men I was involved with. They were attractive to me, fun to be around, and the sex was good+.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Tasorundo said:


> -I recently recovered from my 3rd heart surgery and had a feeling like I would die without every feeling desired.


A ONS only goes so far making you feel desired. What you probably needed ( or need ) is someone who regularly wants you. If it ain't your old lady, improvise until you can get rid of the iceburg. Ain't no epitaphs that read, "He was a wonderful man because he stayed with a woman who had no desire for him".


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Tasorundo said:


> The ultimate reason is that I am selfish and wanted to do it, but here were the justifications I used


If it was selfish and just wanting to do it, then why quote justifications?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Its an ugly truth.....but you asked. I will say that for me there were a few issues. I am perfectly happy with my life but cheated anyway. Why? Primarily because I honestly wasn't at a point where I viewed infidelity as that big of a deal. I've never seen it that way, and I didn't really see it cause anyone pain until I was far into adult hood. *I honestly always thought that a woman on the side was something that every man was entitled to as long as he took care of his family. * I know how that sounds but that's what I thought. That's also what I witnessed and lived through growing up.
> 
> The other reason is going to make me sound horrible, but its the truth. Cheating is fun. Don't believe for a second that a cheating spouse did not enjoy their affair. Its an escape from reality that offers things regular everyday life can't. Thats why many don't want to let go of it.
> 
> You'll never hear from me that my needs weren't met, or my wife was mean, etc. etc. It was a choice that I made.


i've heard that in Europe this idea is much more accepted than in the U.S. or other countries. maybe the prevalence is no greater than here or elsewhere, but more publicly accepted.

maybe some of our European TAM members can speak to this and give us insight into this mentality, or even if it's true, and if so, why?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> i've heard that in Europe this idea is much more accepted than in the U.S. or other countries. maybe the prevalence is no greater than here or elsewhere, but more publicly accepted.
> 
> maybe some of our European TAM members can speak to this and give us insight into this mentality, or even if it's true, and if so, why?


Not so much in the UK, I think.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Not so much in the UK, I think.


and that's a good thing!


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Can't, I put the justifications I used, because I assumed this was a post trying to get insight into what goes through the mind of a person that is about it, or is currently cheating.

I put the first sentence in there taking ownership of my actions, because if I didn't BS's get upset that I am blaming other things for my own choices. I know that ultimately it was my choice, and on ones fault but my own.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Tasorundo said:


> I know that ultimately it was my choice, and on ones fault but my own.


I know, you seem very honest and clear minded aBout what you did, I was mostly teasing your Statement!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> It's not the betrayed partners who might cause any problems.
> 
> Problems are often caused by those who have had absolutely *zero* personal experience of infidelity but who know exactly what the betrayed spouse should do are all "helpful"  suggestions that I have seen on TAM throughout the years I have been here.
> 
> And all of them would result in the poor betrayed spouse ending up in jail.


Thread Jack.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Well, it was 4 years ago now. I spent months with a counselor, a marriage counselor, and did a lot of introspection. I like to think I have a good grasp on it, but always find myself struggling to actually do the things I know are better for me.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Justifications are just a normal reaction. There are several reasons.

Its self-defense. Most people cannot just say, I was wrong. You get caught doing something horrible and you start lying or explaining (justifying) why what you did is not as bad as it could have been.

Misery loves company. Like asserting lack of attention when one spouse works long hours. It allows the cheater to say, "we all share some blame" "I'm not so bad, because I only acted this way because....".

Sometimes, the reasons given are true facts, but still do not justify cheating. Maybe they were neglected, sexually deprived, or whatever. It does not excuse the cheating. Resentment and stuff like that will cause a person with a bad moral compass to cheat. 

Finally, how many cheaters think that telling their BS that they enjoyed the cheating, the sex, the secrets, the emotions is going to help? Sure, there was stress of keeping secrets. That comes with the territory. Think of it like saying, "I make 5 million dollars a year, but it is sooo stressfull. Sometimes I just want to just quit and go off by myself." Well, if they kept on, then the stress factor did not outweigh the pleasure factor or the deception factor.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

He has said that he did it because he had a low self esteem and she said all the right things. Her compliments made him feel like a hero, and they had no real life problems together, just their fantasy. Then he began to rewrite history to justify to himself what he was doing, and planning to do (D me to marry her and tear our family apart.)


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Well I haven't cheated yet, but I after 15 years of no hugs,kisses,loving caresses, duty sex, it has crossed my mind a time or two.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Asking for the reason in ONE sentence is tough. If I HAVE to use one sentence only, it would be because in the moment it validated that I was still desirable, attractive, worthy and wanted after feeling none of those things for so long.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Thound said:


> Well I haven't cheated yet, but I after 15 years of no hugs,kisses,loving caresses, duty sex, it has crossed my mind a time or two.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


At least you have duty sex.....


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I did it because I felt I was trapped. The marriage had spiraled down, I wasn't sleeping in the bedroom with my wife (her idea), no sex for a year, unable to divorce for financial reasons and would have been embarrassed to even if I could afford it. Multiple requests to my wife for us to go to marriage counseling met with steadfast refusal.

I actually thought that if I was caught it would have forced my hand (or her hand) into divorce and at that point I was so depressed that I didn't care.

Of course all that is justification. But it's what I felt at the time.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> I did it because I felt I was trapped. The marriage had spiraled down, I wasn't sleeping in the bedroom with my wife (her idea), no sex for a year, unable to divorce for financial reasons and would have been embarrassed to even if I could afford it. Multiple requests to my wife for us to go to marriage counseling met with steadfast refusal.
> 
> I actually thought that if I was caught it would have forced my hand (or her hand) into divorce and at that point I was so depressed that I didn't care.
> 
> Of course all that is justification. But it's what I felt at the time.


are you still married?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Thound said:


> Well I haven't cheated yet, but I after 15 years of no hugs,kisses,loving caresses, duty sex, it has crossed my mind a time or two.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My observation will likely go over like a fly in a punch bowl but if you tolerate that treatment, its no different than choosing to live with a cheater. Its your fault. If a woman ain't giving you hugs and kisses, she doesn't give a rats azz about you anyway. Besides if it just duty sex, hiring a hooker would be cheaper.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> i've heard that in Europe this idea is much more accepted than in the U.S. or other countries. maybe the prevalence is no greater than here or elsewhere, but more publicly accepted.
> 
> maybe some of our European TAM members can speak to this and give us insight into this mentality, or even if it's true, and if so, why?


I think it’s starting to become more acceptable in the US. Or people are trying to make it seem more mainstream.

I’m friends with my entire graduating class on facebook due to the fact that I was in charge of planning my high school reunion and it was an easy place to get everyone together. I have 2 ‘friends’ in particular who openly talk about it on facebook. The one does it as a joke, he’s single and has been for some time, but he likes that shock humor. The other truly believes that’s how it is. I also have a 15 year old daughter so I FB stalk the pages of people she mentions. I can’t believe how many times over the last year or so I’ve seen memes about “side chics” and “side dudes” posted. I’ve seen statuses about the “main girl “ and the “side girl” being friends. I’ve seen statuses about the “side girl” getting upset with the “main girl” because she doesn’t get as much time as the “main girl”. Listen to todays music. It’s all about cheating and side chics, having a man on the side. A lot of people in society are trying to make this as main stream as possible. Just my opinion anyway.


Just google the words side chic and side dude and go to images and you can see all the memes that come up that are supposed to be funny, but have just become main stream with the younger generation these days.

Here's one that comes up on the first page.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> My observation will likely go over like a fly in a punch bowl but if you tolerate that treatment, its no different than choosing to live with a cheater. Its your fault. If a woman ain't giving you hugs and kisses, she doesn't give a rats azz about you anyway. Besides if it just duty sex, hiring a hooker would be cheaper.


I agree it's my fault, but I don't agree with the cheating part.If she was cheating I would be Bibicly right to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> i've heard that in Europe this idea is much more accepted than in the U.S. or other countries. maybe the prevalence is no greater than here or elsewhere, but more publicly accepted.
> 
> maybe some of our European TAM members can speak to this and give us insight into this mentality, or even if it's true, and if so, why?


My Uncle has married two Asian women, both not raised here in the U.S., that he met while in the military or working as a civilian contractor after. Both were raised to believe that a marriage is more like a business partnership for the procreation and proper raising of children and that infidelity, on both sides, is fine as long as both parties are fulfilling their financial and social obligations as a married couple. 

Basically, as long as you stay married, show up for family and work events, pay the bills, and help raise the kids and take care of the house, it's all good.




blueinbr said:


> At least you have duty sex.....


ICK! Duty sex is a HUGE turn off for me. I've heard others on the board say the same.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I haven't cheated on my wife...but grew up in a house where infidelity was pretty much the norm...

Why?? Why do they do it??

Because they wanted to and could. There is nothing deeper than a character flaw...we all have them.. A defect of character can allow people to do all kinds of things. Most reasons are just rationalizations anyway. 

Just my Opinion.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> ICK! Duty sex is a HUGE turn off for me. I've heard others on the board say the same.


Yeah, well, ask a guy if he would rather have duty sex or no sex. It is not hard to guess the answer to that.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I was going to get laid, you can read my story (it's long and I'm not in the mood to repost or rehash everything)

But then I was younger and the little guy took precedent in those days.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Yeah, well, ask a guy if he would rather have duty sex or no sex. It is not hard to guess the answer to that.


DH and two male friends have both ended relationships because it was either duty sex, no sex, or GTFO. They say that duty sex is about as exciting as f*cking a corpse (not my words, but ok) and is a boner killer (again, not my words), so they'd rather use their hands or find someone else than have duty sex. 

I've heard quite a few women say the same, although they use different phrasing.

Just like everything else, not everyone feels the same.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Thread Jack.


Did my reply, to the OP, based on my knowledge gleaned from several years on TAM and as both a BS and a WS hit a nerve with you?

I am sorry if my reply to the OP caused you any offence or angst. That was not my intention. As the comment was in reply to the OP and was not aimed at any particular person.


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

My husband moved out prior to his cheating (at least as far as I know) but since I've only just filed for divorce he technically is cheating even though he doesn't see it that way and I no longer care.

But as far as the reason, he's bisexual and he thought he could live the rest of his life only having sex with women, and discovered he couldn't stay straight. So now my marriage is over and he's moved in with another guy on the opposite coast. Which is really slowing down the divorce process.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

jorgegene said:


> i've heard that in Europe this idea is much more accepted than in the U.S. or other countries. maybe the prevalence is no greater than here or elsewhere, but more publicly accepted.
> 
> maybe some of our European TAM members can speak to this and give us insight into this mentality, or even if it's true, and if so, why?


Yes some women turn a blind eye to the "bit on the side"

Various reasons

Money
Religious Reasons
For the children
Humiliation of divorce (considered womans fault marriage ended)

I don't know how I'd react if hubby had a bit on the side so I don't know if I would accept or not. 
Also I don't know if we'd divorce for Infidelity unless he really wanted it. 

Just my honest opinion. 




Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

LosingHim said:


> are you still married?


yes


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Did my reply, to the OP, based on my knowledge gleaned from several years on TAM and as both a BS and a WS hit a nerve with you?
> 
> I am sorry if my reply to the OP caused you any offence or angst. That was not my intention. As the comment was in reply to the OP and was not aimed at any particular person.


Not at all my friend, just want to stay on subject. 0


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Not at all my friend, just want to stay on subject. 0


You'll go the heaven. Keep a place by the fire for me, kay?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

For those of you who cheated do you feel guilt, if so how do you live with it. Do you ever have moments where it just hits you what you did to another human being?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> For those of you who cheated do you feel guilt, if so how do you live with it. Do you ever have moments where it just hits you what you did to another human being?


Yep. My guilt crushed me. In fact my RA made me feel worse than my wife's affair made me feel.

I ended up on Seroxat for a while as I managed to give myself a breakdown. 

I had immediately confessed to my wife what I had done. 

She asked me if the excuse was her affair? To which I said: "No. That's not fair on you. I take full responsibility for my affair."


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

sokillme said:


> For those of you who cheated do you feel guilt, if so how do you live with it. Do you ever have moments where it just hits you what you did to another human being?


Incredible guilt. I drank heavily by myself for close to a year afterwards. I've thought of running my car into a tree numerous times. I've thought of running away from my entire family and just disappearing and leaving no forwarding address. I went through a dark period where I really thought it would be better if I would just die. My sister had cancer 2 years ago and I had a lot of thoughts that I wished I had it rather than her because she was a better person than I was and I deserved to get sick, she didn't. Every bad thing that happens to me I fully believe it's my karma for what I did.

How do I live with it? Honestly, not easily. It's getting better. But I still feel like I deserve more punishment than I've been given. It's not often that I feel like I deserve to still be married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> Incredible guilt. I drank heavily by myself for close to a year afterwards. I've thought of running my car into a tree numerous times. I've thought of running away from my entire family and just disappearing and leaving no forwarding address. I went through a dark period where I really thought it would be better if I would just die. My sister had cancer 2 years ago and I had a lot of thoughts that I wished I had it rather than her because she was a better person than I was and I deserved to get sick, she didn't. Every bad thing that happens to me I fully believe it's my karma for what I did.
> 
> How do I live with it? Honestly, not easily. It's getting better. But I still feel like I deserve more punishment than I've been given. It's not often that I feel like I deserve to still be married.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I read once a man saying that the hardest part of his wife's affair was helping her forgive herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

sokillme said:


> For those of you who cheated do you feel guilt, if so how do you live with it. Do you ever have moments where it just hits you what you did to another human being?


No. My ex was a real piece of work and I started the marriage not liking him very much and ended it absolutely loathing him.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Simply put 30 years ago I was the biggest fool and POS on the planet

55


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> DH and two male friends have both ended relationships because it was either duty sex, no sex, or GTFO. They say that duty sex is about as exciting as f*cking a corpse (not my words, but ok) and is a boner killer (again, not my words), so they'd rather use their hands or find someone else than have duty sex.


Well you may be right. Since I never had duty sex I have not comparison. I have moved passed all the old drama, since now W is too ill for sex. So my only option is no sex or cheat. Since I am active here, you can guess which I am pursing.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jld said:


> I read once a man saying that the hardest part of his wife's affair was helping her forgive herself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I read once a man saying the hardest part of this wife's affair was not kicking her to curb sooner.

Well, I read that much more than once. Many many times, each from different men.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> Incredible guilt. I drank heavily by myself for close to a year afterwards. I've thought of running my car into a tree numerous times. I've thought of running away from my entire family and just disappearing and leaving no forwarding address. I went through a dark period where I really thought it would be better if I would just die. My sister had cancer 2 years ago and I had a lot of thoughts that I wished I had it rather than her because she was a better person than I was and I deserved to get sick, she didn't. Every bad thing that happens to me I fully believe it's my karma for what I did.
> 
> How do I live with it? Honestly, not easily. It's getting better.* But I still feel like I deserve more punishment than I've been given.* It's not often that I feel like I deserve to still be married.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then that is the point that tells me you have probably been punished enough.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> I read once a man saying the hardest part of this wife's affair was not kicking her to curb sooner.
> 
> Well, I read that much more than once. Many many times, each from different men.


Or kerb. Fascinating. In America a man told to stop stealing curbs would be told to curb his curb stealing.

But in the UK he would be told to curb his kerb stealing.

And to get back on topic in this instance I think I see what JLD means.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> Incredible guilt. I drank heavily by myself for close to a year afterwards. I've thought of running my car into a tree numerous times. I've thought of running away from my entire family and just disappearing and leaving no forwarding address. I went through a dark period where I really thought it would be better if I would just die. My sister had cancer 2 years ago and I had a lot of thoughts that I wished I had it rather than her because she was a better person than I was and I deserved to get sick, she didn't. Every bad thing that happens to me I fully believe it's my karma for what I did.
> 
> How do I live with it? Honestly, not easily. It's getting better. But I still feel like I deserve more punishment than I've been given. It's not often that I feel like I deserve to still be married.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Time to gird up your loins and do battle with those demons of guilt and shame. Do not let them have a hold on you any more. No more threads to find out what you did that hurt your husband. Time to forgive yourself. 

Time to quit being depressed and move forward in your life. What that means is no one knows what the future holds, but it is worth trying to live in happiness and peace of mind. Get some anti depressants. See a psychologist and get some therapy.

Time for your husband to do the same, if you and he choose to be with each other.


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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

1ppp


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jld said:


> I read once a man saying that the hardest part of his wife's affair was helping her forgive herself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well of obviously, because he made her do it right jld? >

I kid, I kid...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Or kerb. Fascinating. In America a man told to stop stealing curbs would be told to curb his curb stealing.
> 
> But in the UK he would be told to curb his kerb stealing.
> 
> And to get back on topic in this instance I think I see what JLD means.


depends also on what colour is the kerb?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> depends also on what colour is the kerb?


Nice work! Ours are normally grey or white. Though I have seen some colored ones.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> I read once a man saying the hardest part of this wife's affair was not kicking her to curb sooner.
> 
> Well, I read that much more than once. Many many times, each from different men.


:smthumbup: :smthumbup:


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> I honestly always thought that a woman on the side was something that every man was entitled to as long as he took care of his family. I know how that sounds but that's what I thought. That's also what I witnessed and lived through growing up.


Just wondering, RH, did the women you grew up with make the same assumptions? Did they get married believing that their husbands would cheat?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Fun because I was with someone who hadn't cheated on me, who didn't disparage me for wanting to watch Star Trek.


I don't even want to threadjack, but I've got to ask. 

If you have a fandom or hobby that's really important to you, why do people hook up with people who hate it and make fun of it?

With all the Trekkers out there why punish yourself with a woman who evidently hates Trek? Damn, that just sounds terrible.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> I don't know how I'd react if hubby had a bit on the side so I don't know if I would accept or not.
> Also I don't know if we'd divorce for Infidelity unless he really wanted it.
> 
> Just my honest opinion.


Never, ever, reveal this thought to your husband.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

I could give the long answer and go into my loneliness and despair in the marriage, how I had given up on emotional connectedness to my H, how I had hit middle age and felt like I was disappearing and drying up in my sexless marriage. I could also speak to the family and financial pressure I was under as my H income took a nose dive, my two eldest children had emotional problems, and both our mothers died within a few years of each other, leaving me as the executor of my mothers small estate with the complications that I had to navigate in that role. 

While all they was going on, I was too busy to think about his ex affairs and our crappy marriage. When I was finally able to come up for air, I looked around and decided that if he could do it, then I was entitled to do it as well. That's the short answer. I felt owed something in my life that was just about me, especially after what my H did. And it was fun and exciting and I felt like I was in love again...until it wasn't any of those things. 

My dirty little secret? The only thing I regret about it is that, by having an EA instead of kicking my H out, I lost the high road. But, I couldn't see my way toward any other choice at the time, and I don't regret staying. It was the right choice for my children and things are better now between my H and I.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Just wondering, RH, did the women you grew up with make the same assumptions? Did they get married believing that their husbands would cheat?


Yes, they grew up believing that all mean cheat. My wife's family is pretty much the same as mine. When her brother cheated on his wife, everyone was like, "what's the big deal?", he doesn't love the OW. They didn't really understand his wife's pain. She has never gotten over it. It was the first time I realized that some people are scarred forever by adultery. I think it pretty much ruined her life.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

the reason i was forced down this path was due to a lack of attention/intimacy. he was always traveling for work and never home, only calling once per day. when he was home, we never were intimate, he just pushed me away, shut down, and would not talk to me. i found comfort in a co-worker and it turned into an emotional affair.

had my husband given me what i needed, he would not have pushed me down the patch we have gone down. he has since filed for d due to other circumstances that were also caused by his actions.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

That username and post speaks volumes...


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> the reason i was forced down this path was due to a lack of attention/intimacy. he was always traveling for work and never home, only calling once per day.


How selfish of him. He deserved to get cheated on. You go girl!! :smthumbup:

Oh, he's divorcing you.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

regardless of what all of the "men" rather boys in my eyes are saying, he DID bring this all on himself. had he been a better, more caring, loving husband this would have never happened.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Yes, they grew up believing that all mean cheat. My wife's family is pretty much the same as mine. When her brother cheated on his wife, everyone was like, "what's the big deal?", he doesn't love the OW. They didn't really understand his wife's pain. She has never gotten over it. It was the first time I realized that some people are scarred forever by adultery. I think it pretty much ruined her life.


There's the rub, isn't it? When people who have such different world views get married assuming that the other actually has the same world view.

So, your W is like you, RH. How would you react if she cheated? Has she? Is your familial assumption about cheating only re the men? How do the men with this mindset react to their wives' infidelity?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

lostandhelpless said:


> regardless of what all of the "men" rather boys in my eyes are saying, he DID bring this all on himself. had he been a better, more caring, loving husband this would have never happened.


Um no. You are delusional. I cheated on my husband, due to many of the same reasons you listed. HOWEVER, it was never my husbands fault. He never pushed me to it. He never deserved it. It was never “oh he got what he deserved because he didn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved”. You had options. You could have divorced. You could have stayed or you could have given him an ultimatum that if things didn’t change you were separating. Get your head out of your rear end blaming it on him. You had a hundred other options. The cheating is on YOU and YOU only.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

And I hope to god you aren’t telling your husband that he’s a little boy because he can’t see that he “made you do it” and that if he’d been a better husband you wouldn’t have done this. If so, I can see why you’re getting divorced.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> regardless of what all of the "men" rather boys in my eyes are saying, he DID bring this all on himself. had he been a better, more caring, loving husband this would have never happened.


Adults take responsibility for their own actions.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

lostandhelpless said:


> regardless of what all of the "men" rather boys in my eyes are saying, he DID bring this all on himself. had he been a better, more caring, loving husband this would have never happened.


That is exactly how I feel about it in my own marriage and I told my H that when we had a painful conversation a few weeks ago about the state of our relationship. He doesn't deserve my complete honesty or love because he has never given me his, I still don't know the extent of his cheating and doubt I ever will, unless he does a deathbed confession. 

He finally got it and said that he guesses that he deserves whatever I dish out to him for what he did, including if I choose to have a real affair. I'm not going there, but it was good to get some acknowledgement finally for the incredible pain he has put me through. 

We had real problems, but up until the minute he told me about his affair, I never once thought that we weren't a pair against the world together. Now I know better, and maybe that's a good thing in the long run. He said he is holding onto the fact that I still care deeply about him. I told him not to make me responsible for his happiness. That's the one thing of real value I have learned from this experience. You have to make your own happiness in this world and not count on other people for it.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

blahfridge said:


> That is exactly how I feel about it in my own marriage and I told my H that when we had a painful conversation a few weeks ago about the state of our relationship. He doesn't deserve my complete honesty or love because he has never given me his, I still don't know the extent of his cheating and doubt I ever will, unless he does a deathbed confession.
> 
> He finally got it and said that he guesses that he deserves whatever I dish out to him for what he did, including if I choose to have a real affair. I'm not going there, but it was good to get some acknowledgement finally for the incredible pain he has put me through.
> 
> We had real problems, but up until the minute he told me about his affair, I never once thought that we weren't a pair against the world together. Now I know better, and maybe that's a good thing in the long run. He said he is holding onto the fact that I still care deeply about him. I told him not to make me responsible for his happiness. That's the one thing of real value I have learned from this experience. You have to make your own happiness in this world and not count on other people for it.


amen to that! glad you showed up since people are saying i'm not real with my problems. hopefully this will shut them up. good call, and take control of that marriage. men just think they can do whatever they want in a marriage and because we are the woman we have to go along with it, but if thats the case we are no better off than a sex slave.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Lost, her husband cheated on her.

Your husband worked a lot of hours and tried to have sex with you, but you refused.....


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

lostandhelpless said:


> amen to that! glad you showed up since people are saying i'm not real with my problems. hopefully this will shut them up. good call, and take control of that marriage. men just think they can do whatever they want in a marriage and because we are the woman we have to go along with it, but if thats the case we are no better off than a sex slave.


I could be wrong, but I really don’t think @blahfridge has your back here. I seriously don’t think she’s applauding you cheating on your husband because he deserved it. Her story is much, MUCH different than yours. My interpretation is that her husband is actually telling her that if she cheats on him he deserves it because he cheated on her. Not that she cheated on him and he deserved it for not being what she wanted/needed. 

I wouldn’t pat yourself on the back too quickly…..


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Tasorundo said:


> Lost, her husband cheated on her.
> 
> Your husband worked a lot of hours and tried to have sex with you, but you refused.....


yes because as a women i needed to be emotionally connected to him. submitting when i was not ready to be on that level of intimacy and letting him have his way with me would basically nullify any input/feeling i have towards the situation. in my mind i would be nothing more than an object/sex slave at that point. not gonna happen if i am not connected, just not going to.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> There's the rub, isn't it? When people who have such different world views get married assuming that the other actually has the same world view.
> 
> So, your W is like you, RH. How would you react if she cheated? Has she? Is your familial assumption about cheating only re the men? How do the men with this mindset react to their wives' infidelity?


Being honest the men don't like it. They don't necessarily divorce, but in many cases that means his woman on the side now has a shot at becoming his main priority if she was more loyal. Yes, I know how hypocritical that sounds, and yes I know that its sickening that it is their choice. But......thats the world I lived in. Women will hold onto their man no matter what. Especially if he has a decent job.

Regarding my wife, if she ever cheated I really don't know what I would do. Knowing her like I do though I don't think it would matter what I wanted. If she has gone as far as a physical affair its likely that she would be ready to leave me anyway. But, I don't _think_ I would leave if she wanted to stay.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

lostandhelpless said:


> yes because as a women i needed to be emotionally connected to him. submitting when i was not ready to be on that level of intimacy and letting him have his way with me would basically nullify any input/feeling i have towards the situation. in my mind i would be nothing more than an object/sex slave at that point. not gonna happen if i am not connected, just not going to.


Then you LEAVE. You don't CHEAT. 

Look, I get it. I cheated. But that wasn’t HIS fault. Him neglecting me in the relationship is his fault. The cheating was MY fault. If I was that unhappy, I should have left. Just like you should have. You can blame him til the cows come home for the downfall of your marriage if he wasn’t putting in the work. But you cannot blame him for the cheating because nothing HE did made YOU do that. That was your own choice. YOU decided to have an extramarital relationship when you could have just left. That’s the point.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Man, is it foggy in here?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> And I hope to god you aren’t telling your husband that he’s a little boy because he can’t see that he “made you do it” and that if he’d been a better husband you wouldn’t have done this. If so, I can see why you’re getting divorced.


Wow!............as a Noun.......and a verb!

This is it. The Elysian High Ground. Where Lesser Gods and Hero's are allowed to reside in/at.

Black and white morality. No sixty-shades of Dorian Grey.

Simply puttered:
Get divorced, then explore the inferred/purported spoils of free [and single] spirits.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Lost, I didn't mean to imply that our situations were the same and I'm not judging you for your choice. That's between you and your husband and your conscience. I will say that this is the same logic that my H used to justify his affairs. I wasn't sleeping with him enough, I yelled at the kids sometimes, I tried to control my H's hoarding...you name it. Could have been because I looked at the dog sideways one day. He put me in a box as the ***** wife and that gave him permission to have affairs. When I decided to do the same, he couldn't handle it. 

So, I was only speaking to your contention that you felt like you H deserved to be cheated on and agreeing that this is how I felt as well. But, in my saner moments I do know that it really isn't the right thing to do, for ME, not for him. I still maintain that he had it coming and I know my H would not disagree. 

My affair was a poor coping mechanism I employed as a way of enduring a situation that had become intolerable. And, it blew it all up and now we finally have some clarity. Where we go with that is still up in the air, but at least it's better than it was a year ago and that's all I can hope for at this point - some movement forward. I hope things get better for you post divorce.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

lostandhelpless said:


> yes because as a women i needed to be emotionally connected to him. submitting when i was not ready to be on that level of intimacy and letting him have his way with me would basically nullify any input/feeling i have towards the situation. in my mind i would be nothing more than an object/sex slave at that point. not gonna happen if i am not connected, just not going to.


I do get this. My H was cold, indifferent, and contemptuous of me, but of course he expected regular sex. I could pretend my best that it was all okay in the daylight, but at night, my body rebelled. When I could make myself do it, I felt like a *****.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> Then you LEAVE. You don't CHEAT.
> 
> Look, I get it. I cheated. But that wasn’t HIS fault. Him neglecting me in the relationship is his fault. The cheating was MY fault. If I was that unhappy, I should have left. Just like you should have. You can blame him til the cows come home for the downfall of your marriage if he wasn’t putting in the work. But you cannot blame him for the cheating because nothing HE did made YOU do that. That was your own choice. YOU decided to have an extramarital relationship when you could have just left. That’s the point.


Yep, I also get this. But I could have left when he told me about the affair instead of rug sweeping and burying my hurt and anger. And I could have left instead of having an affair myself when I felt like I was drowning in despair. But, people do twist themselves into knots and do things they never thought they would do, especially when there are children involved. Despite how bad an example my marriage has been to my kids, they do see that we care about each other and are respectful and kind. They also benefit from having two involved, loving parents in the same home. So, while it's easy to say you should have just divorced, it's not really that simple or affairs would never happen, would they? 

Heck, maybe I'm just a coward at heart LH, but I'm darn good at rationalization and I do manage to hold onto my sense of humor no matter what. :wink2:


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

blahfridge said:


> Yep, I also get this. But I could have left when he told me about the affair instead of rug sweeping and burying my hurt and anger. And I could have left instead of having an affair myself when I felt like I was drowning in despair. But, people do twist themselves into knots and do things they never thought they would do, especially when there are children involved. Despite how bad an example my marriage has been to my kids, they do see that we care about each other and are respectful and kind. They also benefit from having two involved, loving parents in the same home. So, while it's easy to say you should have just divorced, it's not really that simple or affairs would never happen, would they?
> 
> Heck, maybe I'm just a coward at heart LH, but I'm darn good at rationalization and I do manage to hold onto my sense of humor no matter what. :wink2:


You know I cheated too Blahfridge. My point towards this poster is that she is basically saying her husband forced her to have an affair. All waywards can talk til their blue in the face about why we did what we did. But at the end of the day, the affair was our CHOICE. She’s making it seem like she never had any other choice and that’s simply not true. I had choices and didn’t employ them. I could’ve left. I could’ve begged for counseling, I could’ve given ultimatums that things changed or I walk and I didn’t. I cheated. But he didn’t FORCE me into that.

My husband can hide a piece of cake from me for a year. Tease me with the cake. Show me the cake. Wave the cake in my face and tell me I can’t have any. But if I suddenly get alone with the cake and I eat the cake, it’s still my CHOICE to eat the cake. My husband didn’t force me to eat the cake by denying me cake in the past.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> You know I cheated too Blahfridge. My point towards this poster is that she is basically saying her husband forced her to have an affair. All waywards can talk til their blue in the face about why we did what we did. But at the end of the day, the affair was our CHOICE. She’s making it seem like she never had any other choice and that’s simply not true. I had choices and didn’t employ them. I could’ve left. I could’ve begged for counseling, I could’ve given ultimatums that things changed or I walk and I didn’t. I cheated. But he didn’t FORCE me into that.
> 
> My husband can hide a piece of cake from me for a year. Tease me with the cake. Show me the cake. Wave the cake in my face and tell me I can’t have any. But if I suddenly get alone with the cake and I eat the cake, it’s still my CHOICE to eat the cake. My husband didn’t force me to eat the cake by denying me cake in the past.


You are right, of course, that the decision to have an affair is always a choice. I have kicked myself more than a few times over my own choice. I only wish I had better self esteem back then because I think if I had I would have left or insisted he leave. That would have been a healthier way to handle his cheating rather than have an affair of my own. But I was worried for my kids and, to be honest, feeling like I was too old to start over. That's a hard one for women especially, I think. Feeling like your best years are behind you in terms of attractiveness and desirability.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

Just curious. For those guys that cheated, did you seek out the affair or did it kind of just happen.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

niceguy28 said:


> Just curious. For those guys that cheated, did you seek out the affair or did it kind of just happen.


Niceguy, I know what you're asking, but your post made me laugh. Did it just kinda happen? Yes, she just stumbled and fell on my ****...lol.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

:allhail:


LosingHim said:


> Um no. You are delusional. I cheated on my husband, due to many of the same reasons you listed. HOWEVER, it was never my husbands fault. He never pushed me to it. He never deserved it. It was never “oh he got what he deserved because he didn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved”. You had options. You could have divorced. You could have stayed or you could have given him an ultimatum that if things didn’t change you were separating. Get your head out of your rear end blaming it on him. You had a hundred other options. The cheating is on YOU and YOU only.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Being honest the men don't like it. They don't necessarily divorce, but in many cases that means his woman on the side now has a shot at becoming his main priority if she was more loyal. Yes, I know how hypocritical that sounds, and yes I know that its sickening that it is their choice. But......thats the world I lived in. Women will hold onto their man no matter what. Especially if he has a decent job.


Yes, it of course sounds hypocritical, but it's really just the old double standard, I think. This is from a time when women had to be taken care of by men and men could exercise this double standard easily. It's harder these days for both men and women to justify this, isn't it? At least in our society? Women are far freer to divorce a cheating husband.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> the reason i was forced down this path was due to a lack of attention/intimacy. he was always traveling for work and never home, only calling once per day. when he was home, we never were intimate, he just pushed me away, shut down, and would not talk to me. i found comfort in a co-worker and it turned into an emotional affair.
> 
> had my husband given me what i needed, he would not have pushed me down the patch we have gone down. he has since filed for d due to other circumstances that were also caused by his actions.


With your post it's no surprise you divorced. You will have a better life if you realize that only you are responsible for your own actions. Personal responsibility give you agency and agency gives you hope. 

Feeling that you are entitled and a victim is the reason why you feel "lostandhelpless"


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

blahfridge said:


> That is exactly how I feel about it in my own marriage and I told my H that when we had a painful conversation a few weeks ago about the state of our relationship. He doesn't deserve my complete honesty or love because he has never given me his, I still don't know the extent of his cheating and doubt I ever will, unless he does a deathbed confession.
> 
> He finally got it and said that he guesses that he deserves whatever I dish out to him for what he did, including if I choose to have a real affair. I'm not going there, but it was good to get some acknowledgement finally for the incredible pain he has put me through.
> 
> We had real problems, but up until the minute he told me about his affair, I never once thought that we weren't a pair against the world together. Now I know better, and maybe that's a good thing in the long run. He said he is holding onto the fact that I still care deeply about him. I told him not to make me responsible for his happiness. That's the one thing of real value I have learned from this experience. You have to make your own happiness in this world and not count on other people for it.



No one is entitled to an affair. If you are unhappy leave. It's still your life.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> amen to that! glad you showed up since people are saying i'm not real with my problems. hopefully this will shut them up. good call, and take control of that marriage. men just think they can do whatever they want in a marriage and because we are the woman we have to go along with it, but if thats the case we are no better off than a sex slave.


You need to meet a better class of men.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Wow!............as a Noun.......and a verb!
> 
> This is it. The Elysian High Ground. Where Lesser Gods and Hero's are allowed to reside in/at.
> 
> ...


English please? You sound like a Tamarian.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> English please? You sound like a Tamarian.


Great analogy!

Have we Metaphor? Unlikely, ...we are 180 degrees out of phase.

When Primal Simplicity diversifies it becomes a useful vessel....Chuang Tzu

Alas, *Temba at rest.*


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Great analogy!
> 
> Have we Metaphor? Unlikely, ...we are 180 degrees out of phase.
> 
> ...


Bet you're fun a parties. :laugh:


----------



## rafaelandy (May 8, 2013)

HER reasons (excuses/justifications) :

- REVENGE for my own past indiscretions

- she wanted TO DO THINGS FOR HERSELF after "suffering" for a long time in our marriage

- she wanted TO BE A BAD GIRL; she wanted to seduce married men so other women would suffer the way she suffered; she wanted to seduce men and "drop" them just like that (power/ego tripping)

- she had sex TO PROVE her "attractiveness and sexiness"

- she "lost herself and was trying TO FIND WHO SHE WAS"

- her COLLEGUES WERE DOING IT, too, so she might as well indulge herself. it's "in" thing to do

- she was CURIOUS

- she was DESPERATE and had "NO OTHER CHOICE"

- she felt she was a DIRTY and a BAD PERSON anyway

- it was FUN and EXCITING

- she thought it will NEVER be DISCOVERED

- and her MOST compelling reason - HER MARRIAGE made her do those despicable things



MY REASONS (during that time) :

- my ANGER for various issues regarding our marriage

- i'm a MAN, i've got NOTHING TO LOSE, i won't get PREGNANT

- BRAGGING RIGHTS to my friends (ego)

- REVENGE for her own affair

- it was FUN, and PLEASURABLE

- it won't be discovered

- it was EASY to find women who were willing to have affiars with me


after all the pain, after realizing what i have done to our marriage, no matter how much twisting and reasoning i say to myself, it boils down to one "simple and true" reason - IT WAS MY CHOICE. there was NO VALID REASON or JUSTIFICATION at all for what i have done.

it is really a sad and humbling experience once you come tumbling down from your pedestal and finally realize - it was ME, or both of us, who were truly responsible for the demise of our once loving relationship.

i truly hope that people reading this thread who are contemplating or on the verge of an affair WAKE-UP and realize that IT IS NOT WORTH IT...the sadness, tears, hatred, the destruction of your family, the shattered dreams, the loss of everything you hold dear to your heart will WIPE OUT any TEMPORARY pleasures you may experience. 

again - IT IS NOT WORTH IT!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Bet you're fun a parties. :laugh:


Losing the will to live reading all that :grin2:


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

aine said:


> Losing the will to live reading all that :grin2:


Yikes!

This is stated Large-Mouth-Bass-asswords

The Will is for Death.

Losing the Grimace is for the READying that Life.......keeping the Smiling Emotican!

Puns never substitute for Buns, if you are a Hungry Man from Swanson Foods!


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

sokillme said:


> No one is entitled to an affair. If you are unhappy leave. It's still your life.


It is my life and I'm trying to work through this the best way I can. I come here for help in figuring out how to move forward in a marriage that has been shattered. I didn't say I was entitled to an affair, my H did. He broke the marriage, shattered it into a million pieces. So, by his actions, he has lost the right to tell me what I can and cannot do and if he doesn't like it, HE can divorce. That's what I meant and that's what he acknowledged. Him finally being able to see this was the first time that I actually felt a small amount of hope for our relationship because it meant that he understood my pain.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> Its an ugly truth.....but you asked. I will say that for me there were a few issues. I am perfectly happy with my life but cheated anyway. Why? Primarily because I honestly wasn't at a point where I viewed infidelity as that big of a deal. I've never seen it that way, and I didn't really see it cause anyone pain until I was far into adult hood. I honestly always thought that a woman on the side was something that every man was entitled to as long as he took care of his family. I know how that sounds but that's what I thought. That's also what I witnessed and lived through growing up.
> 
> The other reason is going to make me sound horrible, but its the truth. Cheating is fun. Don't believe for a second that a cheating spouse did not enjoy their affair. Its an escape from reality that offers things regular everyday life can't. Thats why many don't want to let go of it.
> 
> You'll never hear from me that my needs weren't met, or my wife was mean, etc. etc. It was a choice that I made.


Thanks for the brutal honesty..I like this post a lot...a former wayward admitting it was fun - any WS who tells their BS they didnt enjoy it is full of sh!t especially if they repeatedly met with their AP for any period of time....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

blahfridge said:


> It is my life and I'm trying to work through this the best way I can. I come here for help in figuring out how to move forward in a marriage that has been shattered. I didn't say I was entitled to an affair, my H did. He broke the marriage, shattered it into a million pieces. So, by his actions, he has lost the right to tell me what I can and cannot do and if he doesn't like it, HE can divorce. That's what I meant and that's what he acknowledged. Him finally being able to see this was the first time that I actually felt a small amount of hope for our relationship because it meant that he understood my pain.


This reminds me of how B1 reacted to EI's affair. He asked her to tell him all the ways he had hurt her. She said it was very healing to pour her heart out to him, and for him to listen and feel her pain.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

blahfridge said:


> It is my life and I'm trying to work through this the best way I can. I come here for help in figuring out how to move forward in a marriage that has been shattered. I didn't say I was entitled to an affair, my H did. He broke the marriage, shattered it into a million pieces. So, by his actions, he has lost the right to tell me what I can and cannot do and if he doesn't like it, HE can divorce. That's what I meant and that's what he acknowledged. Him finally being able to see this was the first time that I actually felt a small amount of hope for our relationship because it meant that he understood my pain.


I get all that but your first post sounded like you were saying you could have an affair and would be morally justified. If that is the case then just divorce, I don't have a problem if you want to see the marriage vows as over after the cheating. But you shouldn't try to reconcile at that point, then you must behave like it is truly over. By the way I think you SHOULD divorce. You could do much better. Even being alone is better.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

rafaelandy said:


> HER reasons (excuses/justifications) :
> 
> - REVENGE for my own past indiscretions
> 
> ...


I hope you both stayed together. Better you are together then unleashed on some unsuspecting Innocent fool.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Very interesting insight.



ReformedHubby said:


> I honestly always thought that a woman on the side was something that every man was entitled to as long as he took care of his family.


I know that historically, this behavior has been true. That men have believed they were entitled to tail on the side and women know this went on - certainly with many other people's husbands.

But what I don't understand about this, is if people really think it's okay and normal, why do they hide that they are doing it from their spouse?




ReformedHubby said:


> The other reason is going to make me sound horrible, but its the truth. Cheating is fun.


While divorcing, I learned from my first husband that he had cheated on me the first chance he had (when his Navy ship pulled into port a couple weeks after our marriage). And from then on essentially every chance he had.

When I asked him why he said "because I wanted to. I thought it would be fun." And apparently it was. 

When he was home we had sex almost every day, at least every other day, we got along great, and from my perspective he seemed very happily married to me.

Ironically, his first wife cheated on him and it *devastated* him, so I had naively assumed he would never do that to me since he knew how it felt. Even though looking back I see he exhibited pretty much all the signs of a cheater.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> Its an ugly truth.....but you asked. I will say that for me there were a few issues. I am perfectly happy with my life but cheated anyway. Why? Primarily because I honestly wasn't at a point where I viewed infidelity as that big of a deal. I've never seen it that way, and I didn't really see it cause anyone pain until I was far into adult hood. I honestly always thought that a woman on the side was something that every man was entitled to as long as he took care of his family. I know how that sounds but that's what I thought. That's also what I witnessed and lived through growing up.
> 
> The other reason is going to make me sound horrible, but its the truth. Cheating is fun. Don't believe for a second that a cheating spouse did not enjoy their affair. Its an escape from reality that offers things regular everyday life can't. Thats why many don't want to let go of it.
> 
> You'll never hear from me that my needs weren't met, or my wife was mean, etc. etc. It was a choice that I made.


Holy crap. Who raised you?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Is it though? My W tells me that even the affair was fun it was stressful also, keeping all the lies straight, the guilt coming home to me, risk of someone seeing you with the AP....she says that being caught actually gave her some relief from all that stress, I do believe this, am not very good at lying and would be a wreck trying to pull something off like an affair....
> 
> But to the OP question, I first got the "it just happened BS" , but soon after I called her out on that * "she said she liked the attention from the OM and fell for it...."*


*Provided that she would ultimately admit it, this is the excuse that my RSXW would probably offer up!

That and the mere fact that Ol' Arb just wasn't exciting nor wealthy enough for the likes of her!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Provided that she would ultimately admit it, this is the excuse that my RSXW would probably offer up!
> 
> That and the mere fact that Ol' Arb just wasn't exciting nor wealthy enough for the likes of her!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What a biach.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Lardo said:


> Holy crap. Who raised you?


Well....there is the rub. I consider him a good man actually. He was always there for me, still is. He coached all my little league teams, taught me my work ethic, encouraged me to excel academically and athletically, we built a go cart together, a tree house, the list goes on. Honestly had my mother left him my life would be very different, and not in a good way. Nothing is ever just black and white.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ReformedHubby said:


> Well....there is the rub. I consider him a good man actually. He was always there for me, still is. He coached all my little league teams, taught me my work ethic, encouraged me to excel academically and athletically, we built a go cart together, a tree house, the list goes on. * Honestly had my mother left him my life would be very different, and not in a good way. Nothing is ever just black and white.*


Your mother could have divorced your father, showing you infidelity is NOT ok, and then married a faithful man who was an excellent example of what a husband should be and a great step-dad, too. Your father could have coached, inspired, and built things with you during his parenting time.

Truth is, there are a million possibilities and you really have no way of knowing what your life would have been.


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