# How to forgive husband



## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

On mothers day my husband and i had an argument. At the time my baby was a week old. My inlaws texted my husband asking if they should stay with us or get a hotel when they came to visit to see the baby. I right away said yes but... I continued to think and talk about it to him outloud. He just heard the yes and texted right away and said yes. I'm nursing my baby and I've been really tired and sleep deprived. I'm the only one who feeds the baby during the day and all night. My husband sleeps through the night not a care in the world. I feel like he really didn't care about how I felt about it having overnight visitors stay with us. I told him i felt manipulated. This led to an argument because he thought that i shouldn't feel that way. He got very upset. I didn't yell at him or call names. We were sitting on the couch talking then he got up stood in front of me and hovered over me while I was nursing the baby and began yelling at me. He was very angry and I thought he may hit me. After he got in my face he took his phone and threw it to the floor. Picked it up and slamed it to the floor again till he destroyed it. He scared me. Then the next day he went and bought a new top of the line phone. I feel like his bad behavior was rewarded with his new phone. He did apologize for acting out like that. He said I was talking to him like he was a child and he couldn't take it anymore. I asked him how was I talking to him like a child? After he smashed his phone I asked him to please leave to go calm down. He said that was an example of me talking to him like he was a child. I told him I was sorry and didn't want to upset him like that. He's been upset before and broke things it's been years since he did this. Even though he apologized I'm still very hurt. I'm having a hard time letting it go. How do we move past this? Please help, he has been being very nice and helpful trying to make up. It's hard to get over him standing over me and my baby with that anger then smashing his phone. Is it me amd my postpartum hormones? I can't stop crying about this. It was the worst 1st Mothers day to have with my new baby. His new phone is a constant reminder of that day and his anger. I don't even know what I did to make him so angry.


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## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

Jennyea said:


> On mothers day my husband and i had an argument. At the time my baby was a week old. My inlaws texted my husband asking if they should stay with us or get a hotel when they came to visit to see the baby. I right away said yes but... I continued to think and talk about it to him outloud. He just heard the yes and texted right away and said yes. I'm nursing my baby and I've been really tired and sleep deprived. I'm the only one who feeds the baby during the day and all night. My husband sleeps through the night not a care in the world. I feel like he really didn't care about how I felt about it having overnight visitors stay with us. I told him i felt manipulated. This led to an argument because he thought that i shouldn't feel that way. He got very upset. I didn't yell at him or call names. We were sitting on the couch talking then he got up stood in front of me and hovered over me while I was nursing the baby and began yelling at me. He was very angry and I thought he may hit me. After he got in my face he took his phone and threw it to the floor. Picked it up and slamed it to the floor again till he destroyed it. He scared me. Then the next day he went and bought a new top of the line phone. I feel like his bad behavior was rewarded with his new phone. He did apologize for acting out like that. He said I was talking to him like he was a child and he couldn't take it anymore. I asked him how was I talking to him like a child? After he smashed his phone I asked him to please leave to go calm down. He said that was an example of me talking to him like he was a child. I told him I was sorry and didn't want to upset him like that. He's been upset before and broke things it's been years since he did this. Even though he apologized I'm still very hurt. I'm having a hard time letting it go. How do we move past this? Please help, he has been being very nice and helpful trying to make up. It's hard to get over him standing over me and my baby with that anger then smashing his phone. Is it me amd my postpartum hormones? I can't stop crying about this. It was the worst 1st Mothers day to have with my new baby. His new phone is a constant reminder of that day and his anger. I don't even know what I did to make him so angry.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Jennyea said:


> Is it me amd my postpartum hormones? I can't stop crying about this. It was the worst 1st Mothers day to have with my new baby. His new phone is a constant reminder of that day and his anger. I don't even know what I did to make him so angry.


He should have never lost his temper, and you do NOT have to forgive him. HE can be the one to learn NOT to act like a child throwing a temper tantrum and be a man. 

Badsanta


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Jennyea said:


> On mothers day my husband and i had an argument. At the time my baby was a week old. My inlaws texted my husband asking if they should stay with us or get a hotel when they came to visit to see the baby. I right away said yes but... I continued to think and talk about it to him outloud. He just heard the yes and texted right away and said yes. I'm nursing my baby and I've been really tired and sleep deprived. I'm the only one who feeds the baby during the day and all night. My husband sleeps through the night not a care in the world. I feel like he really didn't care about how I felt about it having overnight visitors stay with us. I told him i felt manipulated. This led to an argument because he thought that i shouldn't feel that way. He got very upset. I didn't yell at him or call names. We were sitting on the couch talking then he got up stood in front of me and hovered over me while I was nursing the baby and began yelling at me. He was very angry and I thought he may hit me. After he got in my face he took his phone and threw it to the floor. Picked it up and slamed it to the floor again till he destroyed it. He scared me. Then the next day he went and bought a new top of the line phone. I feel like his bad behavior was rewarded with his new phone. He did apologize for acting out like that. He said I was talking to him like he was a child and he couldn't take it anymore. I asked him how was I talking to him like a child? After he smashed his phone I asked him to please leave to go calm down. He said that was an example of me talking to him like he was a child. I told him I was sorry and didn't want to upset him like that. He's been upset before and broke things it's been years since he did this. Even though he apologized I'm still very hurt. I'm having a hard time letting it go. How do we move past this? Please help, he has been being very nice and helpful trying to make up. It's hard to get over him standing over me and my baby with that anger then smashing his phone. Is it me amd my postpartum hormones? I can't stop crying about this. It was the worst 1st Mothers day to have with my new baby. His new phone is a constant reminder of that day and his anger. I don't even know what I did to make him so angry.


I'm not entirely sure that he should be forgiven.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Forgiveness is more about not taking revenge out on someone. You can forgive him by not wanting to hurt him back for what he did to you. 
However, you should not ignore what he did. You were not treating him like a child. What he was doing is called projection. He was projecting onto you what he did. He was acting like a child. Throwing a temper tantrum and causing you to fear is childish and out of control. His behavior is not okay. He was physically violent, even though he didn't touch you. When he acted out physically by throwing and smashing his phone, he was physically violent and threatening. If you had called the police, they would have hauled him away.
His behavior is unacceptable. That's why you can't let it go. Your problem isn't about forgiveness. What you are struggling with is that this issue has not been properly resolved. You apologized for upsetting him, when you are not the one who should have been apologizing. He is the one who should be apologizing to you. I would recommend that you tell him that if he ever does that again, you will press charges against him.
Your husband behaved as a violent and angry man. No wonder you can't let it go. Nor should you.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

How many times has this happened?

If this is a common event, then forgiveness is not the right direction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You might be able to forgive but do not forget.

What he did was wrong. And he should know that.


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## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

This has happened before my daughter was born. He punched some holes in the walls and he pushed me. He hasn't had any physical outburst where he broke things I believe for 4 years that I can remember.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Jennyea said:


> This has happened before my daughter was born. He punched some holes in the walls and he pushed me. He hasn't had any physical outburst where he broke things I believe for 4 years that I can remember.


Do you understand that you did not cause him to behave that way?


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## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

After he'd calmed down, I went to him and calmly told him that his actions made me very uncomfortable. He eventually said that he was sorry and ashamed. I just feel like if he was really sorry why didn't hecome to me and apologize? I had to go to him and to try to discuss what happened and try to make up. He said he didn't come to me to apologize because he was ashamed. He said he told me he wouldn't act out like that again and he broke his promise.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He made you feel unsafe. That's not really something you can forgive or something he can take back, no matter how nice he is. A man that can stand over his wife and newborn baby and physically intimidate and threaten with violence through the smashing of objects is not a safe person. A new mother needs a very safe environment. What you are feeling is not because of hormones etc, it's not because you are not forgiving, it comes from your 'old' brain which is right now telling you that he is a threat to the safety of you and your child. That doesn't just go away. He needs to go to anger management therapy.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Jennyea said:


> After he'd calmed down, I went to him and calmly told him that his actions made me very uncomfortable. He eventually said that he was sorry and ashamed. I just feel like if he was really sorry why didn't hecome to me and apologize? I had to go to him and to try to discuss what happened and try to make up. He said he didn't come to me to apologize because he was ashamed. He said he told me he wouldn't act out like that again and he broke his promise.


It does make sense that he didn't come to you because he was ashamed, but he is letting that shame stop him from doing something to face and resolve whatever causes him to behave that way. He needs to do something about his anger. He has to face it, own it, resolve it. Until you are sure that he is doing that, you will continue to feel the way you do. This is not about forgiveness. This is about you knowing that there is an unresolved problem and you feeling afraid of what might happen next.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Jennyea said:


> This has happened before my daughter was born. He punched some holes in the walls and he pushed me. He hasn't had any physical outburst where he broke things I believe for 4 years that I can remember.


How old are both of you? How long have you been married?

How often does he have tantrums? Wether they be yelling, pushing, breaking thi gs, etc?

Has anyone other than you witnessed this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> Jennyea said:
> 
> 
> > This has happened before my daughter was born. He punched some holes in the walls and he pushed me. He hasn't had any physical outburst where he broke things I believe for 4 years that I can remember.
> ...


Well 5 1/2 years ago I did do something very bad. This is very hard to say, but I had an affair. I regret it and wish it hadn't happened. He was very hurt. He pushed me twice up against the fire place mantel. He punched the walls and doors. He did make out with someone before my affair but I'm no saint because of my affair. He always throws the affair in my face but he conviently forgets that he cheated as well. I've been trying to make up for my actions since then. So to the question of did I not cause him to behave this way? Yes I did. It's been 5 1/2 years since the affair and before we had kids, but maybe this is a result of that.


Since he forgave me and gave me another chance mustn't I find ways to forgive him? Isn't that fair?


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## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> Jennyea said:
> 
> 
> > This has happened before my daughter was born. He punched some holes in the walls and he pushed me. He hasn't had any physical outburst where he broke things I believe for 4 years that I can remember.
> ...


It just happens at our home no one else is around. I haven't told anyone either. It doesnt happen often. Only the times he's been really upset. One time before we had kids he kicked our dog really hard for getting into some food. My dog was ok, but I told him not to ever do that again. He hasn't. When we were dating he called me on a friends phone to tell me he hadn't called me because he got mad about something not relating to me and he broke his phone. We argue sometimes I can get a little loud too. Him getting in my face though looked like he was getting ready to hit me. I told him I felt like that. He said he wasn't going to hit me. He knows if he did I wouldn't forgive him.

I'm 36 and he is 35 we've been married for 8 years and together for 11.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Stopping the Revenge Cycle

I’m assuming that your affair had something to do with your husband cheating on you. You basically on upped him. That is revenge. He is now taking it out on you by escalating his anger.

It is understandable that he went ballistic after finding out about your affair, but if that is still causing his anger and acting out, it has to be addressed. Though it is understandable, it is not healthy to act out in violence when one is wronged. It is better to work through it or leave.

You did not choose how your husband was going to respond. He is the one who is letting his anger take hold of him. If his anger is related to the affair, he needs to work through the affair. If he is going to stay with you, the two of you have work to do on your relationship as well. Adultery is a very serious blow to a marriage and has to be addressed or it will never get better. This is also true of your husband’s adultery. That needs to be worked through by both of you.

You and your husband have chosen to reconcile and to add a child to the family. However, you two have not worked through the issues that are causing the underlying problems in your relationship. Things are not going to get better until you do. In the meantime, there is no excuse for him being violent. I am sure neither of you want your child growing up in an angry, violent environment. It is time you take steps to resolving these issues.


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## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> Stopping the Revenge Cycle
> 
> I?m assuming that your affair had something to do with your husband cheating on you. You basically on upped him. That is revenge. He is now taking it out on you by escalating his anger.
> 
> ...


My affair was not out of revenge. It was due to other selfish reasons that I take full responsibility for. I think that there are issues that we've talked about but not really resolved. My husband is a man of few words. I can tell him I feel hurt by this or that and his response would be ok... I expressed to him that he comes off as uncaring. He doesn't ask me questions about myself or my feelings. He says I ask him too many questions. He can go all day or days without saying anything to me and he's totally fine with that. I told him that not speaking to each other makes me uncomfortable. It's like he doesn't even notice that I'm bothered and he doesn't care.. When I tell him how I'm feeling he says either ok or he doesn't say anything at all. I'll ask him if he heard me, he'll say yes and continue with silence unless I start asking him questions. Th Then he gives me two to three word responses. He just seems so uninterested. He becomes frustrated that I'm asking him questions and he'll even get mad.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

What makes you think that your husband's angry outburst is due to your adultery?
Have you dealt with what caused your adultery and have you forgiven yourself?
Has your husband always been so distant and uncommunicative?


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I hate to say this, but he may have some anger issues regarding the past the two of you have. Your affair and his cheating.

He's kicked your dog and was lucky he didn't hurt him/her. He also got in your face while you were feeding your child.

I think it may be time for a bit of time apart. Him especially to deal with his anger whether it just be spending time alone to deal with it, or going to some therapy as if I were you, I'd be afraid of him.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

lots of unresolved anger and resentment issues here. 

You've both done a fine job of sweeping them under the rug but if you think they're harmless because they're buried out of sight, you couldn't be more wrong. 

They're coming back to bite you.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Jennyea said:


> My affair was not out of revenge. It was due to other selfish reasons that I take full responsibility for. I think that there are issues that we've talked about but not really resolved. My husband is a man of few words. I can tell him I feel hurt by this or that and his response would be ok... I expressed to him that he comes off as uncaring. He doesn't ask me questions about myself or my feelings. He says I ask him too many questions. He can go all day or days without saying anything to me and he's totally fine with that. I told him that not speaking to each other makes me uncomfortable. It's like he doesn't even notice that I'm bothered and he doesn't care.. When I tell him how I'm feeling he says either ok or he doesn't say anything at all. I'll ask him if he heard me, he'll say yes and continue with silence unless I start asking him questions. Th Then he gives me two to three word responses. He just seems so uninterested. He becomes frustrated that I'm asking him questions and he'll even get mad.


It sounds like the both of you REALLY need to learn how to communicate. Without that single ability it will be impossible to work through the issues you have. Now that your family has grown -this communication issue must be addressed. 

He sounds like he may be resistant to getting help with this. It may take some outside assistance for him to get the picture.


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## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> What makes you think that your husband's angry outburst is due to your adultery?
> Have you dealt with what caused your adultery and have you forgiven yourself?
> Has your husband always been so distant and uncommunicative?


I can't say that his recent outburst has to do with the affair. When he punched holes in the wall he was upset about the affair. Months later pushed me and that was a result of him being upset about the previous affair too. 
The recent outburst was due to our argument and him feeling like I talked to him like a child. I suppose that was his reason.

I'm still dealing with what caused the adultry. I felt inadequate, unappreciated, uninmortant, unheard. I promised that I wouldn't cheat again and I have not. I've been trying to work on communicating my feelings instead of confiding in someone else. My husband says that he knows that he lacks having an emotional connection with me and says he is working on trying to be there for me emotionally. I'm not sure how he's working in it but he says he is. I told him he seems uncaring and lacks empathy. He doesn't understand me and doesn't even ask questions to try to. He says he doesn't know what to ask. I told him he seems cold and he agrees with that.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Jennyea said:


> I can't say that his recent outburst has to do with the affair. When he punched holes in the wall he was upset about the affair. Months later pushed me and that was a result of him being upset about the previous affair too.
> The recent outburst was due to our argument and him feeling like I talked to him like a child. I suppose that was his reason.


We all have reasons to get angry, there are reasons aplenty in this world to feel really crap on a daily basis. What you do in response to those reasons is completely your choice. 

The point is, every time he acts like this there'll be "reasons". Before you thought he had a good reason to throw these tantrums. Now all it takes is you "talking to him like he's a child", and apparently that's a good enough reason.

Just ask yourself, what will be a good enough reason next time? He's already broken his promise so you know his word means nothing.


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## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> Jennyea said:
> 
> 
> > My affair was not out of revenge. It was due to other selfish reasons that I take full responsibility for. I think that there are issues that we've talked about but not really resolved. My husband is a man of few words. I can tell him I feel hurt by this or that and his response would be ok... I expressed to him that he comes off as uncaring. He doesn't ask me questions about myself or my feelings. He says I ask him too many questions. He can go all day or days without saying anything to me and he's totally fine with that. I told him that not speaking to each other makes me uncomfortable. It's like he doesn't even notice that I'm bothered and he doesn't care.. When I tell him how I'm feeling he says either ok or he doesn't say anything at all. I'll ask him if he heard me, he'll say yes and continue with silence unless I start asking him questions. Th Then he gives me two to three word responses. He just seems so uninterested. He becomes frustrated that I'm asking him questions and he'll even get mad.
> ...


I agree we do need to learn how to communicate. I feel at tumes like im forcing him to talk to me. I can tell him how im feeling and he'll just say ok or nothing at all. The only way I can keep him tslki g is by asking jim about his feelings and what he's thinking. I'm askinh all the questions. He asking me nothing at all. I don't know how to get him to talk to me with me feeling lime I'm forcing him to. I want him to want to talk to me. I want him to care about my feelings and emotions as much as I care about his. I don't know what else to do. I thought we could do it on our own. I guess we need professional help.


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## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

Mclane said:


> lots of unresolved anger and resentment issues here.
> 
> You've both done a fine job of sweeping them under the rug but if you think they're harmless because they're buried out of sight, you couldn't be more wrong.
> 
> They're coming back to bite you.


Your right about the resentment. I don't think they're harmless though. My husband may feel that way though. I feel like we should talk about our issues, he'd rather not. He'd rather talk about what's for dinner or anything else but resolving our conflict. That's why I'm on here asking for help and he's not.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Jennyea said:


> I agree we do need to learn how to communicate. I feel at tumes like im forcing him to talk to me. I can tell him how im feeling and he'll just say ok or nothing at all. The only way I can keep him tslki g is by asking jim about his feelings and what he's thinking. I'm askinh all the questions. He asking me nothing at all. I don't know how to get him to talk to me with me feeling lime I'm forcing him to. I want him to want to talk to me. I want him to care about my feelings and emotions as much as I care about his. I don't know what else to do. I thought we could do it on our own. I guess we need professional help.


How often are you asking him about his feelings? Is this a daily thing? Is this your first child? Did you get any help after the affairs?

I have had similar experiences as you, and I honestly think some of the times he displayed the anger like this as a way to get me to be quiet or to try to scare me so I'd let the issue go. From an empathy standpoint, he was frustrated and did not know how to deal with his emotions so he lashed out in an unhealthy way, you just had a baby, it's a stressful time, blah blah blah. However, from my viewpoint and possibly yours, who gives a sh!t? He is grown man and should act like one. 

He needs more help than you can give him. He needs to learn how to handle his anger without throwing things or kicking things or a big dramatic showdown. To quote an overused term 'he needs to get in touch with his emotions'. If he cant afford therapy, there may be some low cost anger management programs in your area.

I don't think forgiveness is the hard part here, it's the forgetting and trusting that he is doing something to make sure it doesn't happen again. You can forgive someone almost anything if they truly regret it and are actually doing something to correct it. Actions speak louder than words here, he may say he's sorry and he doesn't know why he does it but unless he does something to fix it, it will happen again.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Jennyea said:


> This has happened before my daughter was born. He punched some holes in the walls and he pushed me. He hasn't had any physical outburst where he broke things I believe for 4 years that I can remember.





Jennyea said:


> Well 5 1/2 years ago I did do something very bad. This is very hard to say, but I had an affair. I regret it and wish it hadn't happened. He was very hurt. He pushed me twice up against the fire place mantel. He punched the walls and doors.





Jennyea said:


> It just happens at our home no one else is around. I haven't told anyone either. It doesnt happen often. Only the times he's been really upset. *One time before we had kids he kicked our dog really hard for getting into some food*. My dog was ok, but I told him not to ever do that again. He hasn't.


I'm sorry but WHAT THE??? Your husband has anger issues and is a violent man. Your affair was no more his fault than his behaviour is yours. Your affair is 100% on you and the domestic violence - and that's what this is - is 100% on him.

Yes he forgave you for your affair and you are lucky for that. You should earn his trust back by being 100% transparent at all times, have no secrets, give him passwords to all your emails/social media etc. and be patient if he questions you a lot about where you were/who you saw. You do NOT give him free reign to be violent with you!

He KICKED YOUR DOG??? What a total @rsehole! I'm speechless. And you just let that go?

What's he going to do when your daughter's a toddler and he finds her drawing on the walls???


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## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

Lilac23 said:


> Jennyea said:
> 
> 
> > I agree we do need to learn how to communicate. I feel at tumes like im forcing him to talk to me. I can tell him how im feeling and he'll just say ok or nothing at all. The only way I can keep him tslki g is by asking jim about his feelings and what he's thinking. I'm askinh all the questions. He asking me nothing at all. I don't know how to get him to talk to me with me feeling lime I'm forcing him to. I want him to want to talk to me. I want him to care about my feelings and emotions as much as I care about his. I don't know what else to do. I thought we could do it on our own. I guess we need professional help.
> ...


I ask him about his feelings usually when weve had an argument. He says I ask too many questions. Ex. I'll ask him how he feels about a situation, then I ask why he feels that way. I feel like I have to dig otherwise he won't be forth coming. 

We have one other child together she is 4.
After tge affair we didnt get any professional help. We agreed that we would work on communicating with each other and that I would not cheat any more and I haven't. I felt myself looking for emotional support outside of my marriage.

Your are right about trusting that he is doing something to make sure it doesn't happen again. He says that he will try to be more open about his feelings, control his temper and be more emotionally supportive, but I don't know what he is do8ng to make these changes. I don't know what he's doing to make these changes. He said that he is not good at communicating and expressing himself. I told him that communication skills can be learned though. He said that he knows that throwing things and acting out isn't a proper way to express himself. I don't know what he is doing to learn how.


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## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

frusdil said:


> Jennyea said:
> 
> 
> > This has happened before my daughter was born. He punched some holes in the walls and he pushed me. He hasn't had any physical outburst where he broke things I believe for 4 years that I can remember.
> ...


You'd say that he is a violent man even though this is a rare occurence. Usually he doesn't act like this. He hasn't broken anything in a couple of years. He is usually nice he takes care of us and I know he loves me. 

After the affair I offered up all my passwords and promised to be an open book to all he wanted to know. The thing is that he doesn't have many questions. The affair was 5 1/2 years ago so maybe he feels like he's asked all the questions he needs to. I felt relieved that it was over. I'm always open to any questions he may have about anything. 
I told him how his agression made me feel uncomfortable and he apologized. Now I'm trying to forgive him wich I'm finding difficult to do.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Do you have resentment that he's not helping you with the baby? You say you're breast feeding and sleep deprived and he's sleeping like a baby. There seem to be a host of things feeding resentment in your life and his. 

And I agree with the communication thing. First of all, when his parents texted or called to ask if they could 'stay at your house or get a hotel' and come see the baby, your post indicates you said yes. To what? To staying in the house? To getting a motel room? Could you say, I would love to see your parents and would love for them to see the baby, but it would be so helpful if they got a room. I'm not clear but it sounds like you said 'yes' and he told them they could stay at your house? Or you changed your mind about them coming? 

Now, none of that excuses his behavior AT ALL. But if the affairs were rugswept, and now you're exhausted and feel he's not helping with the baby, and he feels you're putting all your time and effort into the baby, and you're conflicted about his parents coming . . . 

I think rather than focusing on forgiveness right now, if you want to keep your marriage, you might want to keep doing what you're doing, and identify the potential problems that are contributing to the tension, frustration, anger, and fear in your house. If he won't do that, you may have a decision to make that's more important in the near term than whether you can forgive him, which may be an issue, along with the other things here, for counseling or some form of professional help.


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## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

TeddieG said:


> Do you have resentment that he's not helping you with the baby? You say you're breast feeding and sleep deprived and he's sleeping like a baby. There seem to be a host of things feeding resentment in your life and his.
> 
> And I agree with the communication thing. First of all, when his parents texted or called to ask if they could 'stay at your house or get a hotel' and come see the baby, your post indicates you said yes. To what? To staying in the house? To getting a motel room? Could you say, I would love to see your parents and would love for them to see the baby, but it would be so helpful if they got a room. I'm not clear but it sounds like you said 'yes' and he told them they could stay at your house? Or you changed your mind about them coming?
> 
> ...


Maybe there is some resentment going on. I guess I really don't feel appreciated more than anything. I said yes to them staying at our house. I said sure I guess but blah blah blah, well I don't know would it be a problem if they could get a room? He said I already texted and told them yes. So we were still discussing it when he had texted and said yes. All he heard me say was yes he said and he thought the conversation was over. He hurried to text and tell them yes before we were even done discussing it. We had this issue with our first child. The inlaws were coming to visit for a few weeks and I told him I'd like for them to get a room and he said I was being selfish and it shouldn't be about only what I want. I told him I didn't want to be smothered by people 24/7 right when I came home with my new baby. He gave me a really hard time about that with our first child. They ended up staying with us. He can't tell them no. Years later he said that he understood how I felt. I guess I still resented him for that too. I felt like he should care more about my comfortability than pleasing others. So when he asked me this time I barley had any sleep and was not really thinking that straight, I think he knew this that's why he just went with the very first word I said even though I was still talking about how I felt about it. This is why I feel manipulated. Trying to identify potential problems in our relationship can come across to him as nagging. It makes me not even want to talk to him about the issues. I really want him to want to talk to me too. I don't want to be the only one wanting to talk. It makes me feel like he doesn't care. Him smashing his phone and getting in my face so angry all over the inlaws coming over just makes me wonder if my trying and trying is even helping.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He heard you say "yes" and ignored what came after because, as you said, he can't tell them no. Since he did that with your first child, it's not surprising he did that this time too. He got a mixed signal from you and he chose to run with the "yes" part of it because he's more interested in pleasing his parents than he is in pleasing you. 

I hope he gets those anger issues resolved since there are also two children (and a dog) to consider in this situation.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Ok, aside from the huge domestic violence issue which you really have to deal with and stop making excuses for him, more immediately how to deal with his parents invading your space during these first critical weeks after having your baby - 
1. Have your husband have a list of things for them to help with around the house. Cooking meals, window washing, floor washing, yard work, major spring cleaning. All those things too difficult for a recovering mom to do in the first several weeks after giving birth and that your husband hasn't had time to do due to new infant in the house.
2. Have them chasing after and entertaining your 4 year old so you have uninterrupted time with you newborn.
3. Be sure they know they are there to pamper you, help with deep cleaning, and childcare of your 4 year old before they arrive. Be sure your husband communicates this to his parents well before they arrive. He has to be absolutely clear with them that you are not able to entertain guests. They are not there as guests. They are there to help you, the new mom. 
4. Take time away from them and sleep whenever you can whether they are up or not. Don't feel like you can't be as you need to be with your new baby. If they are uncomfortable with breastfeeding, let them leave the room. I know with my inlaws they wanted to relegate me to a back room and I did that at their home, but I would not in my own home. 

I would not want inlaws in my home just after giving birth. With our 3rd, I ended up with 12 relatives staying in my home (for baby's baptism and our oldest child's birthday) but baby was 6 weeks old. 2 were my sister and my brother (helpful) and 10 were his parents, siblings, their kids (not helpful). It was still very difficult as I felt I had to clean before and I planned meals, cooked, got beds ready, pulled together baptism and birthday party, etc. That was 18 years ago and I still think I must have been crazy to do that!


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## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

Abc123wife said:


> Ok, aside from the huge domestic violence issue which you really have to deal with and stop making excuses for him, more immediately how to deal with his parents invading your space during these first critical weeks after having your baby -
> 1. Have your husband have a list of things for them to help with around the house. Cooking meals, window washing, floor washing, yard work, major spring cleaning. All those things too difficult for a recovering mom to do in the first several weeks after giving birth and that your husband hasn't had time to do due to new infant in the house.
> 2. Have them chasing after and entertaining your 4 year old so you have uninterrupted time with you newborn.
> 3. Be sure they know they are there to pamper you, help with deep cleaning, and childcare of your 4 year old before they arrive. Be sure your husband communicates this to his parents well before they arrive. He has to be absolutely clear with them that you are not able to entertain guests. They are not there as guests. They are there to help you, the new mom.
> ...


Does it sound like I'm makung excuses for him?
That's a great list. It'd be nice if my inlaws were coming to help me , they are coming to see the baby. My mother in law actually wants us to drive them all over town looking at houses as they are considering moving here. So no they are not thinking about me. They might actually cook while they are here. My husband telling them what to do is a joke. They tell him what to do, even in our house. I feel like he is more concerned about pleasing them then me. You had 12 staying with you? Wow.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Jennyea said:


> Does it sound like I'm makung excuses for him?
> That's a great list. It'd be nice if my inlaws were coming to help me , they are coming to see the baby. My mother in law actually wants us to drive them all over town looking at houses as they are considering moving here. So no they are not thinking about me. They might actually cook while they are here. My husband telling them what to do is a joke. They tell him what to do, even in our house. I feel like he is more concerned about pleasing them then me. You had 12 staying with you? Wow.


Since your husband is such a wuss to his parents, although violent in your home, it is up to you to contact his parents and send them the list. Emphasize they can chase after the toddler as you will be spending time with your new baby. Let them know you will *NOT* be driving them all over kingdom come to look at houses. Tell them to check them out on Zillow.com and realtor.com as you will be much too busy, and exhausted, for that.

If they say they are coming to see the new baby, tell them of course they can see the baby when you are not caring for him and you need them to help with other things. If they persist, tell them you don't think it would be a good time for them to visit.

And, for heaven's sake, triple up on the birth control. I don't think, or hope, you will be married much longer. If you want to stay married, insist on some heavy duty MC, but *NOT *with one of those _happy-families-at-all-costs_ type of therapists.

Keep your phone with you so you can call 9-1-1 the next he gets violent - against you, one of your LOs or the dog. Have them lock his sorry a$$ up.

IamSomebody


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## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

IamSomebody said:


> Jennyea said:
> 
> 
> > Does it sound like I'm makung excuses for him?
> ...


It's a shame that I even have to send them a list. Or that they even considered having us drive them all around town. I told my husband that I would not be able to go arou d town with them and if they are serious about moving here then they need to have a real estate agent have some houses avaliable for them to go see. 
I don't want to feel like I have to force them to help me around the house either. By my husband not having my back, when i stick up for myself i look like bad guy that's jist being a b****.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Well, they called to ask if it was OK to stay with you. Why not call them back and tell them that you answered before really thinking about it. With further evaluating and also realizing how it is with the new baby and pre-schooler, you need to discuss some expectations for their visit. Just say you want to be honest and let them know that you are exhausted (make the excuse that you had forgotten since 4 years ago how sleep deprived a mom of a newborn gets). Let them know you are not up to running around, cooking, entertaining. Then ask if they are up to helping with some things if they are going to stay with you. That opens the door to giving them your list without seeming like you are being a *****! If they take it badly, then they are unreasonable. 

And let your husband entertain them, cook for them, haul them around if they expect all that. He may not be able to tell them what to do but that doesn't mean you have to go along with their plans. Just practice saying before they come "you all go ahead and do what you want. I am focusing on the baby." And "go right ahead and cook whatever you want. If you need anything, the closet grocery store is at xyz." "I'm not feeling like doing such and such, but you all go ahead. I'm going to spend this time focusing on the new baby." "Feel free to go see houses. I'm going to stay here and rest with the baby." You can be pleasant but don't let them pressure you to do anything with them or for them. And don't feel guilty at all!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Jennyea said:


> He got very upset. I didn't yell at him or call names. We were sitting on the couch talking then he got up stood in front of me and hovered over me while I was nursing the baby and began yelling at me. He was very angry and I thought he may hit me. After he got in my face he took his phone and threw it to the floor. Picked it up and slamed it to the floor again till he destroyed it. He scared me.


THIS IS ABUSE. 



Jennyea said:


> Well 5 1/2 years ago I did do something very bad. This is very hard to say, but I had an affair. I regret it and wish it hadn't happened. He was very hurt. He pushed me twice up against the fire place mantel. He punched the walls and doors. He did make out with someone before my affair but I'm no saint because of my affair. He always throws the affair in my face but he conviently forgets that he cheated as well. I've been trying to make up for my actions since then. So to the question of did I not cause him to behave this way? Yes I did. It's been 5 1/2 years since the affair and before we had kids, but maybe this is a result of that.
> 
> 
> Since he forgave me and gave me another chance mustn't I find ways to forgive him? Isn't that fair?


THIS IS ABUSE. 



Jennyea said:


> It just happens at our home no one else is around. I haven't told anyone either. It doesnt happen often. Only the times he's been really upset. One time before we had kids he kicked our dog really hard for getting into some food. My dog was ok, but I told him not to ever do that again. He hasn't. When we were dating he called me on a friends phone to tell me he hadn't called me because he got mad about something not relating to me and he broke his phone. We argue sometimes I can get a little loud too. Him getting in my face though looked like he was getting ready to hit me. I told him I felt like that. He said he wasn't going to hit me. He knows if he did I wouldn't forgive him.
> 
> I'm 36 and he is 35 we've been married for 8 years and together for 11.


THIS IS ABUSE. ALL OF IT. ALSO YOU MADE AN EXCUSE FOR HIM "IT DOESNT HAPPEN OFTEN." 



Jennyea said:


> He can go all day or days without saying anything to me and he's totally fine with that. I told him that not speaking to each other makes me uncomfortable. It's like he doesn't even notice that I'm bothered and he doesn't care.. When I tell him how I'm feeling he says either ok or he doesn't say anything at all. I'll ask him if he heard me, he'll say yes and continue with silence unless I start asking him questions. Th Then he gives me two to three word responses. He just seems so uninterested. He becomes frustrated that I'm asking him questions and he'll even get mad.


THIS IS ABUSE. 



Jennyea said:


> You'd say that he is a violent man even though this is a rare occurence. Usually he doesn't act like this. He hasn't broken anything in a couple of years. He is usually nice he takes care of us and I know he loves me.


THIS IS ABUSE. AND ANOTHER EXCUSE BY YOU. 

Time to wake up and see this for what it is, an abusive relationship. Do you honestly think that because you cheated 5 years ago that you are supposed to just TAKE being abused?? NO. YOU DONT HAVE TO TAKE IT AND SHOULD NOT. I am not saying its ok that you cheated but supposedly you worked through it...either way nothing makes abuse ok. Ever. Your children do not deserve to grow up in this environment. The fact that it "doesn't always happen" makes it even worse, because you will all live your lives walking on eggshells in fear of when that next outburst is coming. 

You are very much in denial.


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## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Jennyea said:
> 
> 
> > He got very upset. I didn't yell at him or call names. We were sitting on the couch talking then he got up stood in front of me and hovered over me while I was nursing the baby and began yelling at me. He was very angry and I thought he may hit me. After he got in my face he took his phone and threw it to the floor. Picked it up and slamed it to the floor again till he destroyed it. He scared me.
> ...


I guess I didn't want to look at it that way, since it was a rare occurence and he was apologetic. I thought that the affair pushed him to physically push me and put some holes in the walls. The physical altercation where he actually put his hands on me was a one time thing. I've gotten allot of good advice here and a different was to look at our relationship. I just want to do everything I can to keep my family together but in a healthy enviornment. Today we've barley said anything to each other. So uncomfortable. I really don't know what else to say to him.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Jennyea said:


> I guess I didn't want to look at it that way, since it was a rare occurence and he was apologetic. I thought that the affair pushed him to physically push me and put some holes in the walls. The physical altercation where he actually put his hands on me was a one time thing. I've gotten allot of good advice here and a different was to look at our relationship. I just want to do everything I can to keep my family together but in a healthy enviornment. Today we've barley said anything to each other. So uncomfortable. I really don't know what else to say to him.


So many times people outside of the relationship can see the reality of the situation much clearer than those IN the relationship. Viewing it from the outside allows clarity, where being on the inside can be chaos. Chaos becomes the normal for many people. 

My ex used to give me the silent treatment too..it was horrible, I hated it. Its a form of abuse, a way of trying to control someone and the situation. He used to just start talking again one day, with NO apology at all, no resolution, and I was expected to just go along like it never happened. I did that for a time, I was always so relieved when he would talk to me again. Once I figured out this pattern I was able to better deal, and it helped me eventually end things.


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## jessica1979 (May 16, 2016)

I'm sorry, but your husband needs to grow up! You have nothing to apologise for & his behaviour is beyond immature. 








Jennyea said:


> On mothers day my husband and i had an argument. At the time my baby was a week old. My inlaws texted my husband asking if they should stay with us or get a hotel when they came to visit to see the baby. I right away said yes but... I continued to think and talk about it to him outloud. He just heard the yes and texted right away and said yes. I'm nursing my baby and I've been really tired and sleep deprived. I'm the only one who feeds the baby during the day and all night. My husband sleeps through the night not a care in the world. I feel like he really didn't care about how I felt about it having overnight visitors stay with us. I told him i felt manipulated. This led to an argument because he thought that i shouldn't feel that way. He got very upset. I didn't yell at him or call names. We were sitting on the couch talking then he got up stood in front of me and hovered over me while I was nursing the baby and began yelling at me. He was very angry and I thought he may hit me. After he got in my face he took his phone and threw it to the floor. Picked it up and slamed it to the floor again till he destroyed it. He scared me. Then the next day he went and bought a new top of the line phone. I feel like his bad behavior was rewarded with his new phone. He did apologize for acting out like that. He said I was talking to him like he was a child and he couldn't take it anymore. I asked him how was I talking to him like a child? After he smashed his phone I asked him to please leave to go calm down. He said that was an example of me talking to him like he was a child. I told him I was sorry and didn't want to upset him like that. He's been upset before and broke things it's been years since he did this. Even though he apologized I'm still very hurt. I'm having a hard time letting it go. How do we move past this? Please help, he has been being very nice and helpful trying to make up. It's hard to get over him standing over me and my baby with that anger then smashing his phone. Is it me amd my postpartum hormones? I can't stop crying about this. It was the worst 1st Mothers day to have with my new baby. His new phone is a constant reminder of that day and his anger. I don't even know what I did to make him so angry.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Physical is only one type of abuse, I bet if you looked at ALL the definitions of abuse you would see WAY more incidents of abuse in your home. 

You need to definitely see a professional very well versed in domestic violence towards women. 

If you go to my link below, you will find another link called The Abuse Thread. It paints the picture of what to look for and resources that will help you.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Jennyea said:


> Since he forgave me and gave me another chance mustn't I find ways to forgive him? Isn't that fair?


not for multiple instances of physical abuse. It'll just get worse. Do you want your child to witness that this is how people are treated?
RUN! and FAST!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

This is not about you needing to forgive you husband. We lose our tempers, I get that but I have a couple things I am troubled by. He said you spoke to him like he was a child and you gave the example......something tells me that his anger issues are not new and very likely what you said to him was something his own mom or dad said to him and this enraged him. That is not your problem, you were a target. The other thing that bothers me here is that he did this with your infant daughter there which tells me he doesn't care of the fear that he could be causing her. Was the baby crying?

He needs help to express himself without anger and the two of you need to learn to communicate. If he refuses help and continues to do this you are exposing your child to a world of abuse. You need to protect yourself and your child.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@Jennyea checking in on you.


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## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

I've explained to my husband how his actions made me feel uncomfortable and he has apologized. He said he was regretful and very ashamed of the way he acted. He is doing research on how to properly channel his anger instead of acting out. If this issue is not resolved I will have to leave him for my amd my childrens sake.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Jennyea said:


> I've explained to my husband how his actions made me feel uncomfortable and he has apologized. He said he was regretful and very ashamed of the way he acted. He is doing research on how to properly channel his anger instead of acting out. If this issue is not resolved I will have to leave him for my amd my childrens sake.


Admitting it is the first step, but research should not take more than a couple of days. Have a boundary of what you expectations are and what you will do if they are not met.


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## Jennyea (May 21, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> Jennyea said:
> 
> 
> > I've explained to my husband how his actions made me feel uncomfortable and he has apologized. He said he was regretful and very ashamed of the way he acted. He is doing research on how to properly channel his anger instead of acting out. If this issue is not resolved I will have to leave him for my amd my childrens sake.
> ...


I have. Explained to my husband that he is not to act in this way again. I want to see progress in how he handels his anger. I expect to see changes in how he handles frustration and he to get to the root of the why he feels has acted this way in order to prevent it from happening again.


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