# I just need objective feedback (long)



## summerB (Aug 31, 2011)

I was on here a year ago and have been lurking ever since. The short story, I am married 5 years, 3 yr old child, husband is 14 years my senior. I told him about a year ago that I was very unhappy and that I no longer wanted to be married to him. Things changed briefly, but have since crumbled back to normal. There has been some dishonesty on my part (no infidelity), and aggression and control on his part. 

He has now started saying that I am neglectful of our daughter, that I do not create structure for her, and that I am damaging her through inconsistent parenting. His version of neglectful and inconsistent should be read as 'not the way he thinks it should be done'. I prepare all her meals, do all her laundry, put her to bed every night, give her baths, take her to her doctor's appointments, choose her clothes, get up with her in the middle of the night. When she needs comfort, she prefers me to him. But I also give her choices and he thinks that immediate compliance with adult commands is more important. He thinks that I am creating "a contemptuous, obtuse child" by not being comfortable with spanking as a form of discipline. But I digress.

Anyway, things have degraded and I made an appt with my IC on Monday. He invited himself to the session and came along. When we met my counselor and she asked why he came, he told her (I am paraphrasing) that everything in our relationship and with our child is my fault/problem and if I would just change and get help then everything would be ok. My IC reiterated his point for clarity, he agreed with her, and then she asked him point blank "Then what are you doing here and what can I do for for?". She was trying to get him to state his feelings or what he hopes to work on in our relationship other than 'My wife is broken and you need to fix her'. When my IC pressed him to explain his role in our relationship problems, he got loud and upset, pointed at the IC and told her "what she needed to do" was listen to what he was saying to get me the help I need. The session ended with the IC saying that she was not communicating well with H, that she would be comfortable counseling me individually, and then she recommended an MC who she thought would be great for us. He stormed out and left me there to pay the bill. 

The fall out from this is that H thinks the IC "invalidated and insulted him in front of his wife and created divisiveness between us". He also said that he thinks IC is the best way to lead to a divorce and he doesn't understand why I can't see that HE is the best person to help me if I would only listen and do what he says. He doesn't want me to go back to the IC because she is juts "telling me what I want to hear to get her paycheck" and she is "biased and not objective" in regards to H.

I think his desire to isolate me from IC, my friends (I am not allowed to talk about our personal things with my friends and he doesn't like my friends and wishes I would find new ones) and my family is a red flag. We left our last MC because he wouldn't talk about anything other than what was wrong with me. He is criticizing me and trying to make me feel bad about my relationship with my daughter. 

Can you please tell me, from an uninvolved 3rd party standpoint, what you think about this? I don't really have anyone to talk to and I want to leave but am too scared. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

summerB said:


> Can you please tell me, from an uninvolved 3rd party standpoint, what you think about this? I don't really have anyone to talk to and I want to leave but am too scared. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks


Actually, you nailed it on your own without anyone's help. Controlling. Keeping you away from the influence of others (be they friends, family, IC etc.) He wants you all to himself to form you into his (servant?) To be totally dependent on him.

This is a form of emotional abuse that he cannot accept you as an individual, and it appears that, with him anyway, there is no room for compromise. What is the saying? "My way or the highway." Sounds just like him. He might be older than you, but he certainly does need to grow up. He needs IC, but is too proud to admit it.

On a deeper psychology scale, he probably is terrified of losing you, which explains the control. He has to feel that you "need him", and to do so, he must set you up to question your own judgment and decisions. Once he has turned you into a zombie robot, he will still not respect you, because the problem is with him, not you.

You are too scared to leave? Then he has done his job. That's what he wants. Worst case scenario, what would happen to you if you did leave him? Do you have a job? Someplace to go? A plan? You might want to consider your options as your daughter is practically a baby and neither one of us can speculate what will happen with her daddy. What kind of discipline does he recommend for your daughter? Corporal punishment? For what sort of infractions? Does he appear intent on over disciplining her? For everything? 

Not sure how this will all unfold, but my advise to you would be to trust your gut, your instincts, and plan accordingly. And continue with your IC. She apparently picked up on something from your H which may help in her understanding of the situation.


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