# Need advice, not sure what to think...



## Kaartoon (Mar 3, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half. When we were dating, he wanted to wait until we were married to have sex, which I was ok with since I am traditional as well. Well, we would fool around, oral, and mutual play, he seemed to really be into me and even (this may sound gross) as far as sometimes licking his fingers afterwards and making a huge deal about how much he enjoyed me and my "taste" and all this. 

Well, we got married August 20th 2011, and didnt have sex on our wedding night, we had sex maybe twice during the week and a half honeymoon. I have a very high sex drive, I always am willing. Since we married there has been a drastic decline, to the point of I dont even remember the last time we had sex. He gets testosterone shots twice a month, but they seem to do nothing. 

Last night, we were watching a movie and I slipped my breast out and guided his hand to carress me and he got mad, to the point where we actually fought about it. He was saying that he just wanted to watch the movie and I was being rude and I didnt understand....blah blah blah....I feel so ugly, worthless, and I feel like he isnt attracted to me. Like he thought he was when we were dating, then saw what he married and just lost interest. I am not slim, I am a bbw, which he was just fine with. Maybe it is my own insecurities, but I feel like he realized after we got married that he really wasnt into that, and has since lost all desire for me. It hurts me, I am crying just writing this, because I dont know if I am willing to stay in a marriage that there is no physical contact. I love him, and married him "for better or for worse" but I feel like...it isnt fair to me. I have toys, I can get myself off, thats not the issue, the issue is the closeness and affection, I need that. He wont even really cuddle with me anymore, he is either looking at ebay on his phone or puts the dog in between us saying "he is feeling insecure, he needs to be here right now"....its getting really old. What should I do?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Hold a miror under his nose, It could be that he has just passed away....If he dosn't fog the mirror, no problem, search for life insurance policies, cash them in, clean out the bank account and move on to a man who will appreciate you..........

If the mirror fogs, you have a more serious problem.....It is just not natural for a man newly married to have no interest in sex....How old is he? I ask because I am 66 and without testosterone could have sex every day....Is he 90'ish?

I am sorry for making light of your situation....You have a serious issue, and need real help. My usual reply is to get the book "THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES" and read it together....It still might help, but I sense a more deeply rooted problem....See that he gets a complete physical, eats right, gets plenty of rest, and no alcohol or drugs that might decrease his libido....

How well do you really know him? Why does he need testosterone? Could he possibly be a trans-sexual?......Is he masterbating to porn when you aren't around? Much to be done here, good luck.......


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

oh my, Kaartoon, this is not good at all. "For better or worse" isn't meant to start less than 2 years after marriage. Although, even if this was 10 or 20 years into a marriage, it's still not good. This is a marriage-ending situation and it's good that you're recognizing this now and not years and years from now. Do NOT have kids with this man. You need to read him the riot act and tell him that because of his actions and non-actions, the marriage is in danger. You will go to doctors with him, therapy, etc., to make it work, but that it's just not working for you this way.

I can't believe he actually got angry at you and started a fight for making the moves on him. How incredibly insensitive, cruel, hurtful, mean. There are men out there who would kill to have a loving affectionate wife like you. Don't start believing that you are unattractive. I know a lot of larger women who look, walk, talk like hot sh!t! They have high self-esteem, and I think their men think they are very sexy.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Kaartoon said:


> *Last night, we were watching a movie and I slipped my breast out and guided his hand to carress me and he got mad,*


You husband is not normal. If my slipped her breast out and guided my hand towards it, I'd fondle for a little while but I would quickly pounce in and start kissing, licking and sucking on both of her breasts. 

I wouldn't take what your husband does personally. There is nothing wrong with you. I've never seen you before, but I'll bet you are at least within the normal realm of attractiveness. 

How old are you two?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow. Does he not see this as a problem?? I assume he sees something at least a BIT wrong if he's getting T shots already. Why is he getting them?


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## Kaartoon (Mar 3, 2013)

We are both 30. So I know that is isnt age that is a factor. He gets the T shots because he was given blood tests and the Dr said that he had low T. I was assuming that was the problem, but even with the shots he seems uninterested and lackluster. I have a huge sex drive, I could go all hours of the day or night. He used to masturbate when I was at work, and he has even stopped doing that. It seems that any drive for anything sexual has just gone away. He is on RX for bipolar, anxiety, high blood pressure, and a lot of other things. He was adopted from a "carnie" lifestyle, where his parents were both heroine addicts. He has tattoo marks on the bottoms of his feet where they tested tattoo guns, so he was in a bad situation, but he was adopted ito a family who didnt have much money so was not given the medical treatment he needed and now is suffering ito his 30s with a lot of problems. Its hard, but I do love him and just not sure where to go with this situation. We do have the five love languages book, and are reading it, but it seems deeper than that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, I'm no expert, but don't all those meds mess with your sex drive??

What does he say about all this? Does he want to fix it?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You and your hubby waited until marriage, just not all the way, oral, hands instead. My wife and I did the same thing.

I also have a very high drive but my wife does not. So you and I are the same and my wife and your hubby are the same.

I too over the 13+ years have been rejected more times than i can remember, with similar reasons your hubby give you, when you initiate.

I am now 39 and my wife is 35. We got married when I was 25 and she was 20.

If my wife slipped her breast out and guided my hand, we would of been going at it and no more movie!!! But she's never done that ever.

My wife is a bigger girl and I am fine with that, but the sex drive issues still persists 13+ years later.

We had the talk and she is getting thyroid meds, eats cleaner and will get a vaginal shot afterwards. Hopefully this will do the trick. Her professionals have advised her to do the diet, meds and shot.

Why not watch adult movies with him? See what he's really into.

Wait for him in the shower one morning.

Have a series talk with him, that he isn't meeting your sexual needs at all and you are miserable. If he loves you, he will make the effort and go to the Dr and do what must be done to raise his drive. Weights, cardio? Arginine powder just before bed on an empty stomach will get him hard due to its HGH properties and its cheap.

This guy has to wake up. He has a loving wife with a very high sex drive. I don't know many women that have very high sex drives, so he should be extremely happy and greatfull!!!

Wear some sexy outfit to surprise him. Nurse, school girl, rubber or leather, cat outfit.....


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm curious.. He wanted to wait for marriage. Does that mean he was a virgin? Were you?

I've heard some men who are virgins who find out later that their wives were not, lose total interest and disconnect from the whole relationship. I'm curious if this dynamic is in play. If it is, I think you are in a bad marriage- I've never heard of any dudes coming back from that dark place.


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## Kaartoon (Mar 3, 2013)

He had been married previously and his other wife cheated on him and left, so not he was not a virgin. And I was not either, I had a "wild" time a few years before we were married, I was in a bad place and used sex to try to save myself and it didnt work. 

We have watched porn together and have talked about what kind of wild things we would like to try and have even tried some of them. Lately, though, it seems as if its just a chore. We spoke about it yesterday, and he said that he felt like he failed me, that I was in a wonderful place where I had accepted myself and was happy and his no sex drive ruined that, and I couldnt argue with him. It was how I was feeling, that I am not attractive to him anymore, or that I never really was. He says that is not the case, that it is just he has no energy and cannot get aroused, no matter how sexually appealing he finds me, but it is hard for me to believe, because I have heard men say that there are times they will see a sexy woman walk by and get an erection, and it seems that I can walk through the room in my skimpiest nighty and he just asks me to bring him a drink or whatever and doesnt really even notice the things I try to do for him. 
One night, he came in the bedroom and I was in a lacey neglige, stockings, pigtails, and glasses (which he finds very sexy) and he said "You look nice" and got into bed, covered up and turned on the TV. I had dimmed the lights, I had sprayed perfume, I had done everything I thought would get him to hop on and take a ride, and he just wasnt into it. I am working on getting into better shape, and maybe that will help....i just dont know anymore.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Kaartoon said:


> He had been married previously and his other wife cheated on him and left, so not he was not a virgin. And I was not either, I had a "wild" time a few years before we were married, I was in a bad place and used sex to try to save myself and it didnt work.
> 
> We have watched porn together and have talked about what kind of wild things we would like to try and have even tried some of them. Lately, though, it seems as if its just a chore. We spoke about it yesterday, and he said that he felt like he failed me, that I was in a wonderful place where I had accepted myself and was happy and his no sex drive ruined that, and I couldnt argue with him. It was how I was feeling, that I am not attractive to him anymore, or that I never really was. He says that is not the case, that it is just he has no energy and cannot get aroused, no matter how sexually appealing he finds me, but it is hard for me to believe, because I have heard men say that there are times they will see a sexy woman walk by and get an erection, and it seems that I can walk through the room in my skimpiest nighty and he just asks me to bring him a drink or whatever and doesnt really even notice the things I try to do for him.
> One night, he came in the bedroom and I was in a lacey neglige, stockings, pigtails, and glasses (which he finds very sexy) and he said "You look nice" and got into bed, covered up and turned on the TV. I had dimmed the lights, I had sprayed perfume, I had done everything I thought would get him to hop on and take a ride, and he just wasnt into it. I am working on getting into better shape, and maybe that will help....i just dont know anymore.


I have to say, of all the sex problems I've read on this forum, yours may be the most perplexing I've read to date.

I don't understand how he can not be turned on.. ED doesn't mean you aren't - it just means that your manhood isn't cooperating! Seeing a sexy woman rarely garners an erection, but not impossible, but we still look.. our mental state never changes- even if we just finished, and are physically exhausted, a sexy woman would still generally get our attention.

You mentioned that he's on several drugs for some mental issues, and that makes a lot of sense- I would guess next that perhaps one of them, or the combination of them is causing "sexual side effects", not just physically, but mentally. I would recommend continuing the T shots, and maybe have him change his meds around.. The physical exhaustion may also be caused by the meds. Switch doctors and get a fresh perspective on the ****tail of meds- many take different approaches based on their professional experiences and write off the occasional patient that doesn't respond the same as the others, rather than experiment with a regiment that they aren't familiar with. Trust me on that, my wife is BiPolar, Depression, and GAD.. the med combinations can be as devastating as the conditions.

Keep us posted on how things go, like I said, this is a really interesting case.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Also wanted to add- Don't pressure him.. that will only add to the anxiety he's feeling over the sex issues. Instead of initiating by 'making moves' try being more direct, just ask him if he's up for sex, and if he's not, make it a point to say "that's okay, I am, and I'm all yours if you want me" or something like that. Make it pressure-free.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Kaboom said:


> I have to say, of all the sex problems I've read on this forum, yours may be the most perplexing I've read to date.
> 
> I don't understand how he can not be turned on.. ED doesn't mean you aren't - it just means that your manhood isn't cooperating! Seeing a sexy woman rarely garners an erection, but not impossible, but we still look.. our mental state never changes- even if we just finished, and are physically exhausted, a sexy woman would still generally get our attention.
> 
> ...


I don't think this is perplexing at all.

He's on drugs that lower his sex drive. He has low testosterone and may still be low.

On top of that, he knows he's disappointing his wife, which makes him depressed and feel inadequate. All this point to him not getting aroused and getting further depressed. Vicious cycle.

he needs both strong medical on mental help to get out of this. If he is unwilling to do this, you should separate to drive home the point that it's on him to fix it.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I think his meds are affecting his sex drive. 

Also, there are testosterone pellets that get inserted under the skin and work for up to 3 months. They are stronger than any shots you mention that he is taking. This would bring his levels up big time, and I would predict he would be chasing you around the house. If a man is not showing interest in sex...or doesn't get turned on when you touch your breast....his testosterone is TOO LOW. Do the blood work and find out. 

Does he have depression?


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> I don't think this is perplexing at all.
> 
> He's on drugs that lower his sex drive. He has low testosterone and may still be low.
> 
> On top of that, he knows he's disappointing his wife, which makes him depressed and feel inadequate. All this point to him not getting aroused and getting further depressed. Vicious cycle.


But if he knows he's disappointing his wife, then why isn't he apologetic about it, why does he get mad at her for interrupting his tv show, why does he push her away when she offers him boob? I can understand him being uninterested in sex b/c of the drugs, but that he's not sorry enough to show her he cares is what is perplexing to me. If I couldn't get it up and my wife even turned me off, I would personally feel like crap and openly talk to her, and do things for her.. even pleasure her orally or a HJ to make up for it. This guy rolls over and ignores her. That's not someone who feels really bad about it.

How many women here who are LD still give sex, HJ's, and BJ's just to please their husbands, even though they get nothing from it? This guy isn't even trying to be considerate much less make her happy. To me, that's perplexing.


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