# What more are they capable of?



## My 8 year mistake (Nov 7, 2018)

I'm a BS. My stbxw acted normally during her affair. As far as the threads I've read here and in SI it's not so uncommon. I don't know whether it's cognitive dissonance or something far darker but it's downright disturbing. I'm not even sure what she's capable of anymore. Is she capable of killing me? Where does a WS draw a line that they won't absolutely cross?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

If she is going to be your ex soon, does it really matter. The fact she was able to live in two world comfortably and provided no break down of either would suggested on some level she need both worlds to satisfy some need. I'm not sure i would quickly jump to making her out to be a potential murderer...that in a totally different mind set.


----------



## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Compartmentalization.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My 8 year mistake said:


> I'm a BS. My stbxw acted normally during her affair. As far as the threads I've read here and in SI it's not so uncommon. I don't know whether it's cognitive dissonance or something far darker but it's downright disturbing. I'm not even sure what she's capable of anymore. Is she capable of killing me? Where does a WS draw a line that they won't absolutely cross?


Cog Dis and compartmentalisation. A deadly duo.


----------



## My 8 year mistake (Nov 7, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> If she is going to be your ex soon, does it really matter. The fact she was able to live in two world comfortably and provided no break down of either would suggested on some level she need both worlds to satisfy some need. I'm not sure i would quickly jump to making her out to be a potential murderer...that in a totally different mind set.


Being one and being capable of - it's a matter of opportunity, not mindset.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Cog Dis and compartmentalisation. A deadly duo.


Depending on the depravity set upon the BS and the punishment the WS and friends deal out due to knowing you fairly well after those years of togetherness, it almost seems a bit sociopathic... even if temporary.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

My 8 year mistake said:


> I'm a BS. My stbxw acted normally during her affair. As far as the threads I've read here and in SI it's not so uncommon. I don't know whether it's cognitive dissonance or something far darker but it's downright disturbing. I'm not even sure what she's capable of anymore. Is she capable of killing me? Where does a WS draw a line that they won't absolutely cross?


Maybe not killing you, but ask yourself this, if you swallowed something wrong and it got stuck would she save you? 

Most WS are despicable, anyone who is capable of living a double life and lying in every aspect of their lives to the closest people in their lives are truly lost and dangerous. That is why I say it is best to expel them from your life.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> Depending on the depravity set upon the BS and the punishment the WS and friends deal out due to knowing you fairly well after those years of togetherness, it almost seems a bit sociopathic... even if temporary.


Long term affairs ARE sociopathic! To think anything else is in my mind naive.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My 8 year mistake said:


> Being one and being capable of - it's a matter of opportunity, not mindset.


My take on it is that if you have been with her for 8 years, she has had plenty of opportunity. But she has not murdered you. So she is probably no more capable of murder than you are.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Maybe not killing you, but ask yourself this, if you swallowed something wrong and it got stuck would she save you?
> 
> Most WS are despicable, anyone who is capable of living a double life and lying in every aspect of their lives to the closest people in their lives are truly lost and dangerous. That is why I say it is best to expel them from your life.


Of course they would save you.

But they would also still cheat on you.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Once you understand that cheating is a character flaw and is based in extreme selfishness and sense of entitlement without regard to the pain they cause other people and the harm and damage it brings to relationships and families, You begin to realize that they may be capable of doing anything that you may otherwise think was incomprehensible.

Now I am certainly not suggesting that she is plotting your murder as we speak or that your life is in immediate danger

But what I am saying is that these are often plain bad people and if something may be a direct benefit to them, they are capable of doing very bad things. 

They will turn children, freinds and family against the BS. Will claim to be abused or that the BS was abusing/neglecting kids. They will empty out bank accounts and investments and hide the money etc etcetera etc.

And yes, murders and plots to commit murder absolutely DO occur.

Statistically, unless someone is a drug trafficker themselves, people are much more likely to be murdered by a spouse or STBX spouse than by a stranger.

APs have committed murder and attempted murders of BSs as well.

The vast majority of infidelities do not result in violence, but it is naive and dismissive to not recognize that it is does occur. 

More people are killed by spouses and BF/GFs than by muggers, bank Robbers, carjackers, druggies etc.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

My 8 year mistake said:


> I'm a BS. My stbxw acted normally during her affair. As far as the threads I've read here and in SI it's not so uncommon. I don't know whether it's cognitive dissonance or something far darker but it's downright disturbing. I'm not even sure what she's capable of anymore. Is she capable of killing me? Where does a WS draw a line that they won't absolutely cross?


I have to wonder why you are asking this question. Do you have some indication that she has become a danger to you?



EleGirl said:


> My take on it is that if you have been with her for 8 years, she has had plenty of opportunity. But she has not murdered you. So she is probably no more capable of murder than you are.


Not unless she has what considers to be a good reason to do so. She has been useful to him. Now that they are divorcing she may think she's better off if he's dead.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Ecclesiastes 8:11 (KJV)

_Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil._

Adultery is a sin which is indulged for long periods of time before "sentence" is imposed. The bible places adultery in the same list with theft, murder, and perjury. Adulterers "get by" with their wickedness easily.

The hearts of people involved in adultery become hardened. They have stuffed their fist into the face of their conscience many, many times.
Their internal "voice" no longer comes through clearly. 

The "line" cannot be drawn. Many people who have affairs, upon getting discovered, and having their "sentence" imposed, will state that, before their affair, they would have never believed themselves capable.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Of course they would save you.
> 
> But they would also still cheat on you.


Make a great scene in a movie though right. The audience knows the wife is cheating. Husband eats some chicken and starts to choke. She hears it from the other room, she runs but when she sees him she hesitates. 

Frankly with some of the **** I have read, I wouldn't put it past half of the sociopaths WS that are talked about on these boards.


----------



## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

I think all of the terms 'narcissist, sociopath and borderline' are a bit overused on this site. There are probably are some personality traits that cheaters have in common but I don't think they are diagnosable. Dissociation and compartmentalization are what comes to my mind when I think of someone being able to act normally with their spouse while carrying on an affair. Dissociation is indicative of past trauma / attachment disorder and compartmentalization is a defense mechanism when the person is feeling too much and overwhelmed. Extreme compartmentalization is indicative of borderline personality disorder but who hasn't used compartmentalization at some time or another? Many professionals who work with trauma use it, doctors, therapist, police, firefighters, nurses, etc.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Violet28 said:


> I think all of the terms 'narcissist, sociopath and borderline' are a bit overused on this site. There are probably are some personality traits that cheaters have in common but I don't think they are diagnosable. Dissociation and compartmentalization are what comes to my mind when I think of someone being able to act normally with their spouse while carrying on an affair. Dissociation is indicative of past trauma / attachment disorder and compartmentalization is a defense mechanism when the person is feeling too much and overwhelmed. Extreme compartmentalization is indicative of borderline personality disorder but who hasn't used compartmentalization at some time or another? Many professionals who work with trauma use it, doctors, therapist, police, firefighters, nurses, etc.


Journalists use it to.

I was covering a local murder case when I realised it was a good friend of my wife and I who had been murdered. The paper gave me the opportunity to step away, but I carried on working on the story because I knew it had to be done right in his memory.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

😉 don't go on any mountain climbing trips or hiking through trails with sharp drop offs with her.

Just sayin'


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

LOL at the idea that cheating is a gateway to murder.....


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> LOL at the idea that cheating is a gateway to murder.....


Read a newspaper from good sized city or watch the 6 o'clock news.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lostinthought61 said:


> If she is going to be your ex soon, does it really matter. The fact she was able to live in two world comfortably and provided no break down of either would suggested on some level she need both worlds to satisfy some need. I'm not sure i would quickly jump to making her out to be a potential murderer...that in a totally different mind set.


Eh... depends.

To be fair, she probably wouldn’t do anything that didn’t net some sort of benefit for her.

Once that determination has been made, it likely boils down to some sort of cost/benefit analysis.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

TJW said:


> Ecclesiastes 8:11 (KJV)
> 
> _Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil._


I’ve always said that the Bible provides wonderful insight into the true nature of the human psyche.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > LOL at the idea that cheating is a gateway to murder.....
> ...


Yeah, I was waiting for that.

Learn about statistics and get back to me.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Eh... depends.
> 
> To be fair, she probably wouldn’t do anything that didn’t net some sort of benefit for her.
> 
> Once that determination has been made, it likely boils down to some sort of cost/benefit analysis.


Agree completely. Cheating isn't usually about them wanting to harm, it's more about wanting some form of pleasure or healing for themselves.

While I am not a cheater, I absolutely can compartmentalize. I think it's because I do have some narcissistic tendencies as a very independent, only child. I have a couple of secrets I will take to my grave, and I have zero problem doing it.

So to answer the question, compartmentalization is an action some of us can do, no problem. That's where she's at.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Violet28 said:


> Compartmentalization.


^^^ This is the shortest post I think I've ever seen, and probably the most explanatory as well.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

personofinterest said:


> LOL at the idea that cheating is a gateway to murder.....


I don't know the statistics of a cheater being the murderer.

But most murders are committed or planned by someone known to the victim. And of those a high percentage are committed by someone in a relationship with the victim (BF/GF, husband/wife, or an Ex).

So it is not unheard of for a cheater to plan the demise of the betrayed. Usually for monetary gain when they realize what they stand to lose in a divorce.

I would not dismiss the feeling out of hand.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I don't know how reliable this is or was, but it is darn interesting. It's very old, too. 

FBI Statistics on Spousal Murder

Edit: Just now realized it's a site against feminism or some form of it. I had no clue until I got to the bottom of the post. I hope it's still a reasonably accurate article. I think it is. Sorry to those who are offended. I didn't mean to offend anyone.


----------



## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Know the person. Know what they are capable of.
A few little questions can show much. Either way I DTA!!

I am amazed at our small town. Starting a year ago the local paper went from maybe 1 incident of spousal fights a month to one almost daily with a 50/50 split whose arrested. Although it is often obvious in some cases the man was simply defending himself, in which case they often both get arrested.


----------



## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

Certainly my wife wants me dead, but shes not willing to go to jail for it because shes a selfish *****. 

Instead she bought me a motorcycle and hopes I'll do the job myself...

Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Some interesting info that dispels the entire idea that all cheaters are more likely to murder the BS than non-cheaters. In fact, a woman who cheats has a fairly high probability to be murdered by her BS husband as does a woman. The next likely spousal murder is a husband killing his wife because she had the audacity to lives her husband.

https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/9de6/68fc868e572c265c2126088adcb964d4b1d2.pdf


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Some interesting info that dispels the entire idea that all cheaters are more likely to murder the BS than non-cheaters. In fact, a woman who cheats has a fairly high probability to be murdered by her BS husband as does a woman. The next likely spousal murder is a husband killing his wife because she had the audacity to lives her husband.
> 
> https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/9de6/68fc868e572c265c2126088adcb964d4b1d2.pdf



B-b-b-but......RedPill!!!!!


----------



## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> Journalists use it to.
> 
> I was covering a local murder case when I realised it was a good friend of my wife and I who had been murdered. The paper gave me the opportunity to step away, but I carried on working on the story because I knew it had to be done right in his memory.


I use it all the time, the trick is to not be emotionless while compartmentalizing. If you are a robot when someone is pouring out their fears to you or their worst sins, that really isn't helpful either. You have to deny your inner impulses that may be repelling you from the person or what they are saying while remaining present with them. I struggled when working with ex cons who gave extensive details of their crimes until one thanked me and said that I was the only person who had actually listened and tried to understand, rather than judging. Even a murderer or a rapist was once a helpless child.


----------



## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> LOL at the idea that cheating is a gateway to murder.....


You're kidding, right?

Police: Soldier, alleged girlfriend arrested after his wife's body found in car trunk | My Connection from Cox

AND

This guy had a mistress he was trying get with.

https://people.com/crime/chris-watts-cheating-affair-with-coworker-before-wife-murder/

LOL, pretty funny stuff.

https://www.newsobserver.com/news/local/crime/article202742309.html

how about this:

https://patch.com/pennsylvania/radnor/deadly-affair-radnor-how-infidelity-ended-murder-suicide

The UK is taking it pretty seriously.

http://eprints.lse.ac.uk/62446/1/__... infidelity_Horder_Sexual infidelity_2015.pdf


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Another case involving a man who definitely "knew better" than to do either.


----------



## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

:|Why LOL, here's another of those funny murder attempts by cheaters.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/ar...led-trying-murder-terminally-ill-husband.html


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

To me it simply boils down to some people being able to tell themselves whatever they want to hear to their own selves so that it helps them rationalize to achieve their goal.
Every human possess the capacity to do this to one extent or the other.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

This is a real serious question.

Why, yes why, with the statistics so high for women in a relationship who have cheated, being murdered by their betrayed spouse, would so many women still feel it's safe to do it? 

I don't get it, but then, one of the reasons I don't date, is the laws that have been utilized. It's really frightening for me to know that I can and likely will be accused of doing something I haven't, and could easily go to prison. Is any ***** worth that?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

The odds of getting murdered are fairly low even when cheating is involved, but the BS is more likely to be the murderer than the wandering spouse. Nothing surprising here, and nothing much to learn, IMO.


----------



## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

skerzoid said:


> You're kidding, right?
> 
> Police: Soldier, alleged girlfriend arrested after his wife's body found in car trunk | My Connection from Cox
> 
> ...


Today's headline:

https://apnews.com/bbfe279af99243e0907ad53a8c7f581d


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Hey. Let's go ahead and whack em all before they kill someone....

smh


----------



## My 8 year mistake (Nov 7, 2018)

I'm not afraid of her killing me. Murder is just an example. Though I won't say she's incapable of it. I don't know what she's incapable of anymore.


----------



## My 8 year mistake (Nov 7, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Hey. Let's go ahead and whack em all before they kill someone....
> 
> smh


pre -emptive strike? Don't know about others but I appreciate initiative. Any guidance on 'whacking,'?


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I could probably direct you to a site and a corrupt attorney who might help......

LOL


----------



## My 8 year mistake (Nov 7, 2018)

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.in...an-lover-alwar-murder-case-1059992-2017-10-07


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Good to see you again ..... I thought maybe she had whacked you after all....


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

ID TV....watch it!


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

My 8 year mistake said:


> https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.in...an-lover-alwar-murder-case-1059992-2017-10-07


If he didn't die there would be people saying she is a good candidate for R. As long as she cried. >


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well, just keep a sidearm with you whenever you are around her. Because... the cops aren't going to protect you. No one will but you.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

This thread is hilarious.


----------



## My 8 year mistake (Nov 7, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> Good to see you again ..... I thought maybe she had whacked you after all....


She's just making my life miserable so that I may kill myself.. A perfect murder


----------



## My 8 year mistake (Nov 7, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> This thread is hilarious.


At least someone's entertained...


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

My 8 year mistake said:


> She's just making my life miserable so that I may kill myself.. A perfect murder


Zero contact is your best friend at this time


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

My 8 year mistake said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > This thread is hilarious.
> ...


I'm sorry, but the whole murder as inevitability thing is ridiculous


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

personofinterest said:


> I'm sorry, but the whole murder as inevitability thing is ridiculous


Not inevitable, but certainly possible.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

For every link someone posts of a WS committing murder, I can find one where the BS kills the WS or AP or both.

To go straight from "she cheated" to "Now she will probably kill me" is a drama queen thing.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

My 8 year mistake said:


> *I'm a BS. My stbxw acted normally during her affair. As far as the threads I've read here and in SI it's not so uncommon. I don't know whether it's cognitive dissonance or something far darker but it's downright disturbing. I'm not even sure what she's capable of anymore. Is she capable of killing me? Where does a WS draw a line that they won't absolutely cross?*


*I'd have to agree that while the vast majority of WS's don't want to physically pick up a gun or a knife or even a fireplace poker and do their BS in with it! Leaves far too much physical evidence against to be used against them in a criminal court!

But it probably wouldn't bother them one iota to make things so volatile as to bring on deteriorating health or even a heart attack to their betrayed to gradually or suddenly get them out of the picture!*


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Read this article and thought of this thread.
https://www.insideedition.com/priso...-inmate-who-killed-elderly-lotto-winner-50661

Then take a look at the picture. Normal guy, just trying to get thru life.

Obituary | Josh Murray | Fancher-Rekus Funeral Homes


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Another heartwarming story.

https://www.wcvb.com/article/woman-...t-friend-to-kill-him-blame-alligator/26251151


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

anything, but what you will find is most cheaters steer clear from violating laws, because they know for those they can go to jail or whatever....they cheat because they know it isnt unlawful and is only disrespecting you, no big deal for them when they are doing it, but they do know well what to steer clear off....the majority that is, of course there are exceptions and total nutjobs cheaters out there on drugs and whatever


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> anything, but what you will find is most cheaters steer clear from violating laws, because they know for those they can go to jail or whatever....they cheat because they know it isnt unlawful and is only disrespecting you, no big deal for them when they are doing it, but they do know well what to steer clear off....the majority that is, of course there are exceptions and total nutjobs cheaters out there on drugs and whatever


Adultery is actually against the law here in my state. 
But hardly enforced.
"Unlawful cohabitation, also known as “shacking up” is also considered adultery in Mississippi. This means that it is against the law to live with another person, a romantic interest, while you're still married. It isn't just grounds for divorce. It's an actual crime in the Great State of Mississippi."

https://law.justia.com/codes/mississippi/2013/title-97/chapter-29/in-general/section-97-29-1

$500 and 6 months in jail.


----------



## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Men have the unfortunate tendency to base not only their own life but their internalized personality on what they do, not who they are. Like your job. Or for married family men we will build a personality based on being a married family man. So when a WS does something that threatens what we do, we internalize this as a threat to who we are.

WS cheat just because they want to and they want to do it more then they care about you. It's just run of the mill selfishness and self interest.

The good solution, at least for guys, is to not allow yourself to build a personality based around what you do. Rather build it around who you are.


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Interestingly enough I think in general we shouldn't let marriage define us, whether you are married or not should not define you or how successful you are to be, or how satisfied with your life.
As I get older the more am seeing that it's me who defines me, my actions being in line with my beliefs and morals. My M can go down the drain in the future, I cant control that, and it won't define my life from there on.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Interestingly enough I think in general we shouldn't let marriage define us, whether you are married or not should not define you or how successful you are to be, or how satisfied with your life.
> As I get older the more am seeing that it's me who defines me, my actions being in line with my beliefs and morals. My M can go down the drain in the future, I cant control that, and it won't define my life from there on.


I love this way of thinking. This is where I want to be. However, the idea of being solely responsible for yourself and having no expectations of your spouse is not quite right either. There has to be some expectation as to meeting of needs etc. One can act solo but then why bother being married? I don't need any more friends, etc. 
However, marriage is not who we are it is just a state of being, we are still individuals, that I agree with.


----------

