# Is He Lying????



## Candicane28

My husband and I have an account for savings that we agreed we wouldn't touch unless absolutely necessary. Last month the money was withdrawn using His card while we were on vacation in his hometown. It was about $2,500!. My husband maintains his innocence and claims his card was hacked. But the card was also used two more times at locations my husband frequents. Still, he maintains his innocence. My gut feeling is that he is lying to me but I have no proof as to what he could have used the money for. Fyi, this is the second time we have gone to visit his hometown and money came up mysteriously missing. I am so upset and dont know what to do at this point. Its not even about the money anymore, its about the hurt I feel at the thought that he would lie and/or hide something from me....HELP


----------



## aquarius1

This is a joint account? Make an appointment with your bank immediately and get to the bottom of this. They have transaction details. You are entitled to see them.
Why live in doubt? its bad for you and your marriage.
If his card was hacked he should be contacting the bank immediately to report the fraud. Is he upset by the amount taken? $2500? I'd be at the bank when the doors opened!
You are getting signals. Take some time to investigate further....quietly. If he is doing something he shouldn't, you do not want to alert him that you are on to him.

Good luck. Please let us know how its going.


----------



## uhtred

If it was hacked you should both go to the bank. Since it happened before, that seems surprising. Still if you report it, the bank probably has video of whoever withdrew the money. 

Has he in the past had any known addictions, drugs, gambling etc? Could one f those have restarted?


----------



## faithfulman

He appears to be lying.

This evidence is easily found by contacting your bank.


----------



## Candicane28

Yes he sent a claim to the bank of his account being compromised. The bank denied his claim.


----------



## VibrantWings

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a.....

I get the hurt you're feeling and you seem so much smarter than he is giving you credit for- to add insult to injury. 

Open up another bank account to put your money into and don't tell him since he obviously can't be trusted with your half of things. 

Back when i was married, i realized that we had more money for things we needed/the family when I quit telling my ex that I had any money. He pissed it away....just as I truly believe your guy did. The bank told you what you already know.


----------



## OnTheFly

Child support for child you are unaware of...is my guess. 

Or a family member he can’t say ‘no’ to.


----------



## WorkingWife

If it was withdrawn from a bank, contact them because they should have video footage of the withdrawal. 

The fact that money has gone missing in his home town twice indicates that, if it was him, he is giving the money to someone from his childhood. (Friends, family, old girlfriend?)

If he did NOT withdraw the money he should be freaking out with you and contacting the bank to get to the bottom of it. What is his attitude? Is he wanting you to IGNORE the missing money? That would be a sure sign of guilt or that he knows who took the money (a wayward family member with his credit card?)

I'd start with the bank and tell your H you're filing a police report and just see how he reacts.

I'm sorry to hear this, it doesn't sound good. I suppose a friend or worker at once of these places could have stolen the card, but that it happened TWICE and only in his home town? FISHY.




Candicane28 said:


> My husband and I have an account for savings that we agreed we wouldn't touch unless absolutely necessary. Last month the money was withdrawn using His card while we were on vacation in his hometown. It was about $2,500!. My husband maintains his innocence and claims his card was hacked. But the card was also used two more times at locations my husband frequents. Still, he maintains his innocence. My gut feeling is that he is lying to me but I have no proof as to what he could have used the money for. Fyi, this is the second time we have gone to visit his hometown and money came up mysteriously missing. I am so upset and dont know what to do at this point. Its not even about the money anymore, its about the hurt I feel at the thought that he would lie and/or hide something from me....HELP


----------



## Openminded

The bank denied his claim? There's your answer.


----------



## EleGirl

Candicane28 said:


> Yes he sent a claim to the bank of his account being compromised. The bank denied his claim.


Was the money withdrawn at an ATM? If so there is film footage of the person who used the card. It's probably why the claim was denied.

How upset was he when you told him that the money was withdrawn? Did he truly act like he was surprised?


----------



## Candicane28

In my opinion, he was a bit relaxed about the money being gone. Because of his past dealings with drugs, gambling, and addiction I've racked my brain trying to figure out what he could/would have used the money for. But as I said before, I have no other proof in his behavior or everyday life that would indicate any of those things. He keeps wanting us to go back to our life/relationship as it was before all this came about, which was actually quite happy. Not perfect, but we got along great. I've considered calling his bluff and threatening separation if he doesn't come clean but I'm not sure if that would be too drastic. Not to mention we have our two children together. 😔😭


----------



## EleGirl

Candicane28 said:


> In my opinion, he was a bit relaxed about the money being gone. Because of his past dealings with drugs, gambling, and addiction I've racked my brain trying to figure out what he could/would have used the money for. But as I said before, I have no other proof in his behavior or everyday life that would indicate any of those things. He keeps wanting us to go back to our life/relationship as it was before all this came about, which was actually quite happy. Not perfect, but we got along great. I've considered calling his bluff and threatening separation if he doesn't come clean but I'm not sure if that would be too drastic. Not to mention we have our two children together.


Here's what I would do. I would go not talk to him anymore about this. He is clearly not telling the truth and is not going to admit what he's done because he knows that whatever he did with that money will cause a lot of problems in your relationship. For him, the safest thing to do is to hope that you drop it.

Then I would start looking to see what can be found. Most people who are doing dishonest things are actually very sloppy about it.

This is what I did and where I found things (this was about him cheating) ....

I searched ever nook and cranny in his car (snuck his keys while he showered). I found stuff in the spare wheel well, in a compartment where there were tools, in the glove box and mixed in with his business papers on his back seat. Found receipts for meals and movies for two, gift receipts, condoms, etc.

I searched his trash every day and found things he was throwing away.. like a letter from the other woman (OW).

I read notes he took in meetings and found notes/letters between them.

I also found a lot of stuff on his computer. This was long before our new cell phones so I'm sure that today I would monitor his cell phone.

Another thing I would do today is to put a voice activated recorder hidden, secured by adhesive backed Velcro, under the seat of his car. Why? Because a lot of people use their car as a private phone booth. For example if he is buying drugs, you might hear him talking to the person he's buying them from. If he's cheating, he might talk to his affair partner, if he loaned money to some family or friend you might overhear a conversation about this.

If you do those sorts of things, you need to be careful. It's very common to get one small bit of info and blow up at him about it. Don't do that. Just put that evidence in a safe place and look for more. Look until you are 100% sure you know what is going on and then stop looking. Then let him know that you know and what your evidence is without giving him the originals.. meaning make sure you keep copies in a safe place.

If you record any conversations do not tell him and do not give him the recordings. Use them to figure out where else to look. It can be illegal to make recordings of conversations that you are not a part of. 

Or, if you don't want to do all that, then just believe what you know. He's not telling you the truth and has no intent to tell you the truth. You cannot have a good marriage with a liar, someone you cannot trust. A divorce for misuse of marital assets is a valid reason for a divorce.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Candicane28 said:


> In my opinion, he was a bit relaxed about the money being gone. Because of his past dealings with drugs, gambling, and addiction I've racked my brain trying to figure out what he could/would have used the money for. But as I said before, I have no other proof in his behavior or everyday life that would indicate any of those things. He keeps wanting us to go back to our life/relationship as it was before all this came about, which was actually quite happy. Not perfect, but we got along great. I've considered calling his bluff and threatening separation if he doesn't come clean but I'm not sure if that would be too drastic. Not to mention we have our two children together. 😔😭


Given this history, he is not only lying now, but he is a professional liar. If the account was actually hacked, he would be flipping out, and he isnt.


----------



## Spicy

Just tell him you requested a video from the bank of the withdrawal, and they have it available now. That you have an appointment at your local branch to see it tomorrow. Tell him you hope he can come too, so you both can see the scuzbag that stole from you. That you want to see if it is someone you know so you can press charges.

I bet you will get a confession before you go.


----------



## WorkingWife

Candicane28 said:


> Yes he sent a claim to the bank of his account being compromised. The bank denied his claim.


Are you sure? Did you see the bank "denial"? Maybe someone else knows more on here but that sounds very bizarre -- someone tells a bank that basically $2,500 was stolen from them and the bank says "denied?" That just doesn't sound right.

This was 20 years ago but on a business trip I had my debit card compromised. I still had the card but someone managed to empty my bank account with it. I called the bank and they were all over it. They explained everything to me of how it would work -- how the person had made the withdrawals but they would still have to send paper to follow up w/in 5 days. We knew exactly where the money was withdrawn, and for what supposed purpose. (It was supposedly payments to an attorney).

Did the bank send your H all new cards? This is just really really strange.


----------



## aine

Candicane28 said:


> Yes he sent a claim to the bank of his account being compromised. The bank denied his claim.


Did you actually see his claim application or is this what he told you? Do not trust anything he says and verify verify verify. Now go into stealth mode, ask the bank yourself (its a joint account), check the withdrawal dates, times, ATM location, etc. Bank can verify. You lodge a complaint with bank and they will bend over backward to prove to you nothing is untoward with your account and you will catch your H red handed. Verify everything and start saving money in a separate account. 
How can he spend so much money, unless he is lending/giving to his family or he has another woman, etc he is supporting. Investigate but do not let him know. Or given his history, he is back doing the drugs, etc


----------



## Andy1001

If two and a half grand was stolen from me I would go to the cops. 
Why haven’t YOU done anything to find out what happened to your money?
Is it because you know damn well who took it?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Candicane28 said:


> In my opinion, he was a bit relaxed about the money being gone. Because of his past dealings with drugs, gambling, and addiction I've racked my brain trying to figure out what he could/would have used the money for. But as I said before, I have no other proof in his behavior or everyday life that would indicate any of those things. He keeps wanting us to go back to our life/relationship as it was before all this came about, which was actually quite happy. Not perfect, but we got along great. I've considered calling his bluff and threatening separation if he doesn't come clean but I'm not sure if that would be too drastic. Not to mention we have our two children together. 😔😭


 Lordy.

You seriously need _us _to tell you what a liar and conniver this guy is?

So rather than 'risk' losing this _*prize*_ you married by INSISTING he *respect you with the truth*, you're going to continue putting up with the bull**** and lies and drugs and addiction and everything else he does that stains yours and your children's lives on a daily basis. Let me guess...it's because "you _loooooove_ him."  I'm also guessing you've made yourself completely dependent on this guy who you THINK has put all his drug use and addictions 'in the past.' 

You know, if you're too weak and too passive to do the right thing for _yourself,_ at LEAST think about doing it for your kids. You can pretty much *bet the farm* that if you continue clinging to this lying ass-hole (like you've been doing for too long already) your kids are going to spend many, many, MANY years in therapy from such a dysfunctional upbringing.

The guy's a lying junkie who thinks *nothing* about putting his own family in financial peril as long as he can get whatever the hell it is he blew your money on then LIED about. And if you think his drugs and all that crap are a thing of the past, I have some oceanfront property I'd like to sell you in Kansas. I'm amazed the bank didn't press charges on this idiot for filing a blatantly FALSE "theft" report with the bank. Unreal.

I'll never understand why women cling like grim death to guys like this who just keep PROVING what losers they are. Love is blind, I guess.


----------



## wilson

Can you be more specific about these withdrawals? Was the $2500 in cash withdrawals or purchases? If you know the locations, then very likely there is video you can get of the transactions.

If he's saying it was hacked, then act like it. Tell him you're reporting the theft and will get a subpoena to get video from the locations of the transactions. If it really was theft, he should be all for finding the truth. If he's lying, get the video and use it in your divorce proceedings to ensure you get compensated for this theft and any others in the past.


----------



## WorkingWife

Andy1001 said:


> If two and a half grand was stolen from me I would go to the cops.
> Why haven’t YOU done anything to find out what happened to your money?
> Is it because you know damn well who took it?


You ask a really good question here Andy.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Candicane28 said:


> Yes he sent a claim to the bank of his account being compromised. The bank denied his claim.


Likely he was on camera at ATM or bank, game over.


----------



## wilson

Candicane28 said:


> Yes he sent a claim to the bank of his account being compromised. The bank denied his claim.


Did you personally see why they denied it or did the notice just go to your H? Regardless, you need to go to the bank and find out the full details of why it was denied. Don't tell your H you're going to the bank. Just go to the bank and find out for yourself. It is a joint account. It was your money that was stolen. You have every right to get the info yourself.


----------



## Blondilocks

It seems you don't want to rock the boat. I recommend you go to the bank and transfer all remaining funds into an account that is in your name only. All future savings will be deposited into that account as you will become the one responsible for the savings. If you husband can't keep track of his card or lies, then the financial security of the family falls to you. 

You might want to deduct all amounts that have gone missing and put into another little account in your name as 'get-away' money. I have a feeling that you'll be using it sooner or later.


----------



## Candicane28

Yes, I saw the bank denial letter myself. I keep thinking its gambling related. But today, I gave him ultimatum that I want the truth or else.....so we'll see what happens.


----------



## Candicane28

Also, because the money was withdrawn from atm machines in his hometown which is 12 hours away from us, I'm not sure how I can obtain video surveillance?


----------



## personofinterest

An ultimatum isn't going to work. Telling a liar to stop lying is....well, ridiculous. You need to go TO your bank and talk to them. And yes, request that footage.

You are choosing to be passive, and it isn't going to help you.


----------



## wilson

Candicane28 said:


> Also, because the money was withdrawn from atm machines in his hometown which is 12 hours away from us, I'm not sure how I can obtain video surveillance?


This is actually great news, because the ATM's typically have video cameras and keep the footage. Talk to your bank about how you can get access to the video for the transaction. From the withdrawal details, they can find out who to contact to get the info. I'm not sure of all the details, but I am sure that your bank can tell you exactly how to get the video.

Even if he took the money, this can be worked through. However, it would take him actually stepping up and admitting it. If you go through all the trouble to get the video and see it was him, it's not worth confronting him to try and get him to change. If he's not willing to come clean, then there's really no reason to try and force him to change.

What you might want to do is tell your husband is that you *will* get the video to find out who took the money. If you find out it was him from the video, then the marriage is over. But if he tells you the truth now, then you'll decide if you can work it out and stay married.


----------



## EleGirl

Often, it's the credit card organization that you need to go through, no the bank. And yes they are sort of separate. The phone number is on the back of the credit card. Or if you go to your bank's website, there should be a number for reporting credit card fraud.


----------



## EleGirl

Also, usually when someone actually believes that their card was used without their permission, they get new cards with new numbers. Did you and your husband get new cards?


----------



## Blondilocks

Maybe, I misunderstood. I thought her husband used a debit card to access the bank account.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Candicane28 said:


> Also, because the money was withdrawn from atm machines in his hometown which is 12 hours away from us, I'm not sure how I can obtain video surveillance?


PLEASE stop with the self delusion.

What NORMAL person *wouldn't* rant and rave and cause a huge stink if $2,500 of their money was stolen from them???????

Someone who knows EXACTLY where the money *really* went, that's who.

Come on!! This isn't rocket science.


----------



## SecondWind

Your bank will be able to provide you with an image of the withdrawal slip or the account the money was transferred to.

You need to walk into the bank and get the information. 

Your husband should be charged with making false claims and trying to get the bank to pay him the money he took out himself.


----------



## WorkingWife

Candicane28 said:


> Also, because the money was withdrawn from atm machines in his hometown which is 12 hours away from us, I'm not sure how I can obtain video surveillance?


call the bank and say $1,200 is missing and it was taken out of this ATM at this time and your husband claims he didn't take it and you know you didn't so can they please get the video surveillance. They can get the video from there to here as fast as you could upload a video of your kitten chasing your puppy to YouTube.

And if they WON'T cooperate? BLUFF. Tell you're husband "Grab your ID, the bank has the video, we can view it at the branch on 12th street... 
Let's go babe! We're about to catch this ****er!"


----------



## aquarius1

To answer the question “is he lying?”

The short answer is YES. BIG TIME. You know it. He knows it. The bank knows it.

The other question is:

What do you intend to do about it?


----------



## Openminded

If you give him an ultimatum then be prepared to back it up.


----------



## Mr.Married

You just asked a well established junky gambler liar for the truth ????


----------



## SongoftheSouth

I agree with the others he is not being forthcoming. Its troublesome that he is withdrawing money without your knowledge but even more disturbing he is lying about it to you. I had a relative whose wife did something similar and would lie about it. Turned out she had a gambling problem. Good luck but I suspect he is lying to you for whatever the reason be.


----------



## Candicane28

Hey everyone.....just wanted to give an update on my situation. So he finally confessed last night......Gambling! Apparently everytime he goes back home his urge to gamble comes up. Long story short, he apologized and gave a "heartfelt" speech about feeling bad for lying and hurting me. At this point, I'm not sure how our future looks but it does feel like a huge weight has been lifted now that he finally confessed to taking the money. I'm in continuous prayer that this will not break our marriage, as he has otherwise been a wonderful husband and father. Thanks everybody for your advice and input


----------



## notmyjamie

Candicane28 said:


> Hey everyone.....just wanted to give an update on my situation. So he finally confessed last night......Gambling! Apparently everytime he goes back home his urge to gamble comes up. Long story short, he apologized and gave a "heartfelt" speech about feeling bad for lying and hurting me. At this point, I'm not sure how our future looks but it does feel like a huge weight has been lifted now that he finally confessed to taking the money. I'm in continuous prayer that this will not break our marriage, as he has otherwise been a wonderful husband and father. Thanks everybody for your advice and input


I’m glad he finally confessed. At this point I would tell him he needs counseling or Gambler’s Anonymous or your marriage will probably be over. He thought the gambling was so important that he was willing to lie and steal from you. He needs serious help. 

I’m sorry this is happening to you. *hugs*


----------



## Cynthia

I'm glad that you didn't back down until you got the truth. That is difficult, but necessary for personal and marital health.

I agree that it's important for you to set some boundaries and insist on counseling. At this time, I would recommend marriage counseling, so you can interact in getting to the bottom of this, then he will probably need individual counseling. Lying and hiding things from your spouse is the antitheses of love, respect, and unity in marriage. These are necessary ingredients to a healthy, happy marriage.


----------



## Andy1001

OnTheFly said:


> Child support for child you are unaware of...is my guess.
> 
> Or a family member he can’t say ‘no’ to.


Bingo!!!
We have a winner.


----------



## DesertRat1978

This is worth sniffing around to find out more. Once... he may be telling the truth. Very low probability but still possible. Second and third... now that is beyond suspicious. If I was the OP, I would go the bank and verify how the 2500 was debited. Also, I would watch his mannerisms.. even if he is not cheating someone who feels that they can spend with impunity will have a certain swagger about them.


----------

