# Very invasive/investigative snooping on hubby



## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

Hello all! Here is the thing- My husband had a porn addiction for years, when he worked part time. Now he has a full-time job and cannot afford to do the same. And I work from home and I am always around. I know he works with women that he has confessed masturbating to so he claims he doesnt do it anymore, yesterday I went to the laundry looked at his boxers from the same day and saw the stains. These are really old boxers like for an old man, which leads me to believe that its not an affair / He swears that he doesnt masturbate at work or in the car. His boxers prove otherwise. Should I confront him or let it go?


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

IMHO you have a right to object to his interacting sexually with other women (including masturbating to them in person) but not to object to his masturbating in private. (unless you are always available to provide sexual relief when he wants it). 

Is he regularly turning you down for sex and masturbating instead? That would be a problem.


----------



## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Good question is he turning you down for sex?


----------



## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

Volunteer86 said:


> Good question is he turning you down for sex?


 We are doing great in that area. I am very sexual since about a year and Feeling quite frisky. We plan our sessions, make up, role play, etc... But I hate secrets. Married 12 years.


----------



## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

uhtred said:


> IMHO you have a right to object to his interacting sexually with other women (including masturbating to them in person) but not to object to his masturbating in private. (unless you are always available to provide sexual relief when he wants it).
> 
> Is he regularly turning you down for sex and masturbating instead? That would be a problem.


 nooo he doesn?t masturbate in front of them! I made him confess after I stalked his coworkers. And I know he can be pervy so I assumed, questioned him incessantly and he fessed up that he has fantasized abt them.


----------



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

The problem with what you are doing is that you are treating him like a child who stole cookies from the cookie jar. He is a grown man and you can't control him or his thoughts. You are emasculating him by badgering him and trying to get him to confess things. It sounds like you do not believe he wants you, and all the fantasy life that goes on in the bedroom plus the history of pornography is confirming that on some level to you. 

There is nothing wrong with a married man masturbating so long as it does not interfere with the intimacy of the marriage....or maybe you just don't trust him. If you don't trust him, then the great sex life is just that - - sex - - and you two are using each other.

jmo


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

So that I understand, he hasn't been interacting with them - eg in person or video sex. He is just fantasizing about them when he masturbates.


Others can chime in, but fantasies like that are really common for a large number of men and women. People fantasize about all sorts of things, and to be honest fantasizing about co-workers is a LOT more mild that many people's fantasies. 

No one can tell you when to be or not be unhappy, but if I am understanding correctly, what he is doing is extremely common. Most people even in committed relationships masturbate sometimes, and most fantasize when they do it. 

If I'm misunderstanding and he is actually cheating (eg physically or video etc. interacting) with other women, that is a whole different kettle of fish. 








Bianca Stella said:


> nooo he doesn?t masturbate in front of them! I made him confess after I stalked his coworkers. And I know he can be pervy so I assumed, questioned him incessantly and he fessed up that he has fantasized abt them.


----------



## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Maybe bring it up, say you saw stains, don't accuse. Maybe he masturbate, he probably did, if that bothers you so much then offer yourself to him anytime he wants however he wants it. Even offer to role play as a new coworker, not the existing ones, and let him play out his fantasies with you.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

This whole situation sounds exhausting. 

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Time for him fo do his own laundry.


----------



## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

Lila said:


> This whole situation sounds exhausting.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


 how come? What is exhausting? I can?t live with lies


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

What are you, the thought police? It's noyfb who he wanks-off to.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Stains in underwear are not even necessarily a sign that he is masturbating. During the day, I get excited and sometimes leave snail trails and after I cum I might still seep for 12 hours later. But even if he is masturbating, that is natural. Fantasy is still a part of every healthy person's mind, regardless of whether they are married or in a committed relationship. As long as it isn't interfering with your sex life, why should you care?


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Bianca Stella said:


> how come? What is exhausting? I can?t live with lies


Your husband sounds like naughty child not an adult. 

You sound like you have lots of energy to:

*Track his porn use
*Stalk co-workers
*Interrogate him like a criminal about his fantasies
*Check his underwear for cum stains

I would have given up at track porn use. Not something I would waste my time on. Of course, I would have divorced him at the first sign of addiction....but that's just me. You do you boo.


Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


----------



## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

Lila said:


> Bianca Stella said:
> 
> 
> > how come? What is exhausting? I can?t live with lies
> ...


 He is a great dad - provider and man in general. He?s just sooo horny. I hate the thought of being lied to more than anything and I also hate to be unaware. Funny that you mention that ?you do you? line because I recently told him the same. I love to dissect, investigate and yes, obsess about his fidelity. I hate that we lie to each other but I know everyone does, especially married couples. Thoughts?


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Bianca Stella said:


> He is a great dad - provider and man in general. He?s just sooo horny. I hate the thought of being lied to more than anything and I also hate to be unaware. Funny that you mention that ?you do you? line because I recently told him the same. I love to dissect, investigate and yes, obsess about his fidelity. I hate that we lie to each other but I know everyone does, especially married couples. Thoughts?


My thoughts are that not everyone lies to each other.


----------



## a_mister (Aug 23, 2017)

Men get horny, fantasize about women, and jerk off. It's completely normal. The LTR and I both watch porn and masturbate from time to time, and often discuss the women we see in the videos we like. It isn't real. It's just fantasy. It's neither a physical nor emotional affair and not something to be upset about.

If he's "lying" about it, it's because you're treating him like a criminal for being a human male. He'd lie to you about using the bathroom, too, if you treated him like this for it, because people do that and they're not going to stop just because you don't like it. Your behavior sounds over-the-top controlling, toxic, and psychologically abusive, and he deserves a sincere apology.

By your own account, he's a good father, a good provider, and a faithful husband with a healthy sex drive. He's also a saint for putting up with this. You picked a winner and are going to run a good thing into the ground if you don't figure out how to manage your anxiety and knock it off with the accusations and confrontations over normal thoughts and behavior.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What is wrong with him being horny? If you are in the mood, you can take advantage of his hornyness. If not, then what is wrong with him taking care of himself?

You don't want him to lie, but you also don't want to accept the truth that there are many men who are like him.

You have said that other things including your sex life are great - so why risk everything for something that isn't hurting you?

You can tell him you won't tolerate his behavior - but he has a right to walk out the door if you do. 




Bianca Stella said:


> He is a great dad - provider and man in general. He?s just sooo horny. I hate the thought of being lied to more than anything and I also hate to be unaware. Funny that you mention that ?you do you? line because I recently told him the same. I love to dissect, investigate and yes, obsess about his fidelity. I hate that we lie to each other but I know everyone does, especially married couples. Thoughts?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

JayDee7 said:


> Maybe bring it up, say you saw stains, don't accuse. Maybe he masturbate, he probably did, if that bothers you so much then offer yourself to him anytime he wants however he wants it. Even offer to role play as a new coworker, not the existing ones, and let him play out his fantasies with you.


Good lord.

The OP wasn't put on this earth solely to please this pervert every time he gets an itch - which is obviously ALL the freakin' time. It's like being married to a dog in heat. What is so wrong with a supposed ADULT that they have to jerk off on a regular basis in the men's room at work just because there's an attractive woman sitting at a desk 12 feet away from him? Who *DOES* that? 

And where the hell is the puke emoji when I need one?


----------



## a_mister (Aug 23, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Good lord.
> 
> The OP wasn't put on this earth solely to please this pervert every time he gets an itch - which is obviously ALL the freakin' time. It's like being married to a dog in heat. What is so wrong with a supposed ADULT that they have to jerk off on a regular basis in the men's room at work just because there's an attractive woman sitting at a desk 12 feet away from him? Who *DOES* that?
> 
> And where the hell is the puke emoji when I need one?


I agree that the role play idea is over the top, but if he's jerking off elsewhere, it's clearly because his wife flips out and terrorizes him if he jerks off in the peace of his own home like a human being. He might have confessed to fantasizing about specific coworkers just to get his wife to knock it off with the Spanish Inquisition routine. ("WAS IT SUE?" "OH MY GOD, NO, JESUS." *OP scrolls further down his LinkedIn* "WAS IT KATHY? IT WAS KATHY. SHE LOOKS LIKE A *****." "YES, OK? IT WAS KATHY! I WAS MASTURBATING TO KATHY! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?")

The OP's own thread title indicates that she knows she's obsessed with his masturbation, she refers to herself as "stalking" his coworkers, she goes through his underwear for evidence that he's masturbated, and admits that she nags and badgers him until he tells her what she demands to hear. The OP has to consider that if her husband is lying to her, it might be because he's trying to head off another bout of her unrelenting psychological abuse.

There is absolutely nothing in evidence here that OP's husband is "pervy" or that he's out of control at work. Masturbating is normal. Fantasizing is normal. OP's described behavior is not. I'd be changing the locks if I found out my significant other was obsessing over who I masturbate to, especially if she was "stalking" people who matter to my career, on social media or otherwise. This is a serious boundaries problem.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you read these boards you will find that there are also women who masturbate more than once a day. In this case the husband probably can't get enough privacy at home to take care of himself because his wife is constantly watching, so he does it at work. 




She'sStillGotIt said:


> Good lord.
> 
> The OP wasn't put on this earth solely to please this pervert every time he gets an itch - which is obviously ALL the freakin' time. It's like being married to a dog in heat. What is so wrong with a supposed ADULT that they have to jerk off on a regular basis in the men's room at work just because there's an attractive woman sitting at a desk 12 feet away from him? Who *DOES* that?
> 
> And where the hell is the puke emoji when I need one?


----------



## a_mister (Aug 23, 2017)

uhtred said:


> If you read these boards you will find that there are also women who masturbate more than once a day. In this case the husband probably can't get enough privacy at home to take care of himself because his wife is constantly watching, so he does it at work.


See, the thing is that this is how rumors get converted into fact.

Nobody ever said OP's husband masturbates at work. OP's husband denies masturbating at work. However, OP is convinced that he masturbates at work because she found evidence that he masturbates _at all_, and he clearly isn't allowed to do so at home.

While I'd like to stick to the facts in evidence, I can't help but notice that she also believes he has a "porn addiction". Who, exactly, qualified the OP to make that diagnosis? To a person who believes that any masturbation and fantasy is some kind of marital felony that warrants a full-blown investigation, a "porn addiction" may simply mean "I caught him watching porn after I told him not to".

Moreover, to address the earlier point about how she try to get involved in his fantasies, even if his wife is always available, it doesn't follow that he wants the drama of involving his wife in some kind of highly-charged role-playing scenario. Sexual variety is a normal biological drive. Rare is the man who doesn't jerk off to the idea of doing something he'd never do in real life to the cute brunette he saw at the coffee shop to get it over with and out of his system, no matter how much he might love the hot blond he has at home. Making him feel guilty for this is awful.


----------

