# She is concerned with my parenting



## Jpp3 (Sep 6, 2016)

This will be a long winded post so I apologise and thanks for bearing with me. 

It's been a little over a year since my custody battle ended and I moved accross country to be with my daughter. I have 50/50 custody although sometimes it feels like 70/30 as her mother allways has an excuse as to why she needs me to take her.

I was very broken when I first moved back, I had given up everything to be here with my daughter. I was staying with family, struggling to find consistent work, I was lonley and depressed but I perserviered for my daughter. 

After about 6 months I found a wonderful job, got myself an apartment and filled it with furniture and after dating a few women I found my person. 

We have been together for about 8 months. She is wonderful. She is a hard worker, she has the kindest heart I've ever encountered, she is patient, she makes me laugh, I've never felt safer with anyone like I can finally be myself, she pushes me daily to be a better me, she's beautiful and the sex is fantastic. She loves my daughter and my daughter loves her. I had never been so sure about anything in my life that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. And so I bought a ring, and she said I do. I know it may seem fast but I just know that she is my person.

Today for the first time I had my only concern of doubt. My daughter, was in a mood... She kind of abrubtly left. She messaged me saying that she has concerns for the future that stem from my parenting. 

I know I'm not the perfect parent, but who the hell is? I let her get away with alot. Partially because I feel guilty that I didn't see her for nearly 8 months during my custody battle. Or that I feel guilty that she doesn't get alot of attention or affection at her mother's. Partially because I lack the tools and plain don't know how to respond to certain behavior, and there's so many pieces of advice which one is right? 

To clarify her bahavior, to be frank she is kind of just a brat sometimes. She can be very whiny, demanding, even disrespectful in the way she asks for things. She often has tantrums when told no or she doesn't get her way. She's 5 by the way. The truth is she does have behaviorial issues that as a parent i need to work on correcting and not letting her act this way. 

This scares her, and I'm scared that my daughters behavior and me not handling it properly are going to push away the women I love. 

Now that being said. She also is not a mother. She has been around kids before but never in this capacity. I also think that despite what yes are issues that need to be addressed, she has unrealistic ideas and expectations of children and Parenthood. I feel like almost every parent before they were parents let their kids do things they swore they would never let them so before they had children. That's easy to see and easy to deal with until you have a non parent stepping into a stepparent role for the first time. Instead of being present and in the moment when the 3 of us are together she is expecting and anticipating an outburst. To the point where everyday kids being kids things she thinks are larger problems then they are. 

At the end of the day I'm worried that my daughter who is my world, is going to push away the love of my life.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Jpp3 said:


> She also is not a mother. She has been around kids before but never in this capacity.
> she has unrealistic ideas and expectations of children and Parenthood.


Red Flags # 1, 2, and 3.



Jpp3 said:


> I'm worried that my daughter who is my world, is going to push away the love of my life.


She will, if she can. I don't think there's a kid anywhere who has divorced or separated parents, who really, and truly, accepts their parent's new lover.
And, perhaps, in light of red flags 1, 2, and 3? I think maybe she should be pushed away. I'm not meaning on a permanent basis, but wow.... I mean, look at this through 5-year-old eyes.... you just left "the love of your life" a year ago, and now, there's a new one.... who doesn't know anything about her, and not very much about being a parent.....

You're going to have to radically slow down this process. It's only been 1 year. To your daughter, this represents 20% of the time she has been alive.

And, BTW..... a 5-year-old has not the foggiest idea of how to be a parent. You are the parent. It's a give and take proposition....you give the orders, she takes them. I wouldn't let a 5-year-old tell me how to be a dad.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

[my advice was ill.....advised]


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You are still in the limerance stage of your relationship with your now fiance. Of course you think she is the best thing since ice cream.

If you can rewind time and get unengaged you should. She knows nothing about children, much less parenting. 

The hardest thing to do is keep the brakes on when one is in love, because your brain is full of those wonderful feel-good hormones. But you have to slow it down, or you could make a huge mistake.

Take time to really get to know this girl, so all the red-flags are flown before you are married.

Your guilt needs to not rule your head regarding your daughter. When she acts up, you need to nip it in the bud. If she thinks she can get away with behaving like a brat around you she will do just that: be a brat. The longer you allow her to behave that way, the more engrained it will become. Letting a child act out is actually not loving. She wouldn't get away with behaving like that in school or anywhere else. Show her you love her by teaching her how to behave and control herself.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Jpp3 said:


> My daughter, was in a mood... She kind of abrubtly left. She messaged me saying that she has concerns for the future that stem from my parenting.


Red Flag #4, which IMO trumps all of the others. Is this her idea of parenting? To leave because a 5 year old is "in a mood"?

There are no perfect parents or perfect children ... 5 year old's have occasional meltdowns, that's normal. What is _not_ normal is running away from it. A decent parent deals with the meltdown and loves the child in spite of their "mood".

What are her "concerns" about your parenting, specifically?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like all of you need to get some family counseling. 

You are an unsure parent. I'm not saying that to attack you, but to restate what you basically said. Your daughter knows this. It could be part of why she's acting out. Children need for their parents to be confident in their role as parents.

Your fiance, if she is going to stick around, needs to learn aboaut parenting and step parenting. You also need to learn what the role of a step parent is. There are some good books on step parenting. I suggest that you get one or two adn the two of you read them.

Keep in mind that you chose your fiance. For you that's wonderful. But your daughter had no say in this new person coming into her life. I'm sure that she's had a hard time due to the divorce, not seeing you for months, and now the new custody arrangement. And now she has to get used to this new woman in your life. Children very often resent their step parent because it's just one more thing for them to have to deal with.

If your fiance is not willing to work with you in all this, then she is not the one for you because you have a child to raise.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

First don't be a pushover with your daughter, I completely get why you might be, but in the end your not doing her any favors. Some times loving your kids means enforcing consequences for poor behavior even if it's hard. But a 5 year old having tantrums is about as normal as a zebra with stripes. It's also quite normal as a 6,7,8,9,and 10 year old. Unless out in public I flat out ignored tantrums, we all do the best we can. Kids are kids, they're completely self centered, they're brains do not function like yours and mine. Hopefully by the time they're 18 they have the tools to be successful in life and don't hate us. 

Second, if you lose a girlfriend or fiance because you have a 5 year old daughter who is acting like a 5 year old so be it. If she can't deal with a 5 year old things will get really ugly when your daughter is 13. I know thats not what you want to hear but what is best for your daughter far outweighs what is best for your love life. I have always believed that in your situation it's best to have the understanding that you're responsible for your daughter, you and her mom need to be on the same page as far as discipline and expectations go so your daughter has consistency, if she is getting different signals at moms and at your house she won't behave well at either place. It's like when my kids were her age and they would go to the grandparents for the weekend and get spoiled. When they got home they would be complete ****heads for a day until the readjusted to reality. 

Second marriages with a child involved have a 65% failure rate for the exact reasons you are dealing with.

You need more info from your fiance as to what her concerns are. She might want kids of her own and worry having your daughter will complicate that situation. It could be she was brought up very strict and is appalled by your letting her get away with too much. Of course your fiance doesn't have kids so she has no idea what being a parent is like. Lots of people who have no kids think they know exactly what it's like, they don't and won't until they have kids of their own.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You moved WAY to fast getting engaged to this woman. You barely even had your custody and living situation secured before you got involved with her. You didn't give yourself and your daughter time to get yourselves acclimated and adjusted to each other and your new life before bringing in an outsider. It sounds like you really do need to get your daughter under control, THAT should be your priority right now. I don't blame any woman for not wanting to deal with a tantrum throwing 5 yr old because her dad doesn't know what to do with her. They cant form a relationship until you get this under control.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I'm kind of in this boat. I have 50/50 with my daughter, but she is 9. My fiance was brought up in a strict household, whereas I was not. She had a lot of structure, I had very little. My parenting style is rather lax compared to her ideas of parenting. She doesn't have kids, but shes a teacher and been around them enough to where I value her input.

I've come to realize since my divorce, I was being a pushover mainly because I felt bad that she was kind of bystander of the divorce and so I was handling her with kid gloves. Kids do need some structure, chores, discipline or they will run roughshod over your ass in their teens. I been slowly building that into my parenting lately and frankly its hard because I'm late to the game. And I still get looks when I don't see what my fiance sees. 

I don't think her leaving was a good sign, all kids can be brats, but this is something you need to discuss with her to know if this is going to be a good marriage. My advise is don't be a pushover with your kid. As a father you deserve respect. Listen to what you fiance's views are and decide if you can figure out how to do whats best for the 3 of you.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Do not "let your daughter get away with a lot". Whatever you think you're compensating for, you're just making worse. Spoiling a kid is bad parenting, every time.

You need to discuss parenting w/ your fiancee. If you can't do that now, what chance do you think you have for the next 13+ years? This is a rhetorical question, I know the answer.

But if you and fiancee listen to each other and don't dodge this, you may be able to be a good team. Others have suggested counselling, try that if you feel like it will help.

In summary, there are no shortcuts here that won't be disasters, but if the two of you put in the work this could be good for the 3 of you.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

"Do not "let your daughter get away with a lot". Whatever you think you're compensating for, you're just making worse. Spoiling a kid is bad parenting, every time."

THIS


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Jpp3 said:


> Now that being said. She also is not a mother. She has been around kids before but never in this capacity. I also think that despite what yes are issues that need to be addressed, *she has unrealistic ideas and expectations of children and Parenthood*. I feel like almost every parent before they were parents let their kids do things they swore they would never let them so before they had children. That's easy to see and easy to deal with until you have a non parent stepping into a stepparent role for the first time. Instead of being present and in the moment when the 3 of us are together she is expecting and anticipating an outburst. To the point where everyday kids being kids things she thinks are larger problems then they are.


This may be the case, but it may not - how bad is your daughters behaviour? Parenting out of guilt is the WORST thing you can do for your child. Now more than ever, because theres been so much turmoil in her little life, your daughter NEEDS routine, boundaries and consistency. These things are what will make her feel safe.



happyhusband0005 said:


> Of course your fiance doesn't have kids so she has no idea what being a parent is like. Lots of people who have no kids think they know exactly what it's like, they don't and won't until they have kids of their own.


Absolutely untrue.


OP I have a different take on this. I'm a stepmum (mum) to my husbands daughter. I have no biological children. I met my husband when she was 7, she is now 14. The moment I met her, I knew there was something different about her. Her behaviour was out of control, and she was behaving in ways that a child her age should have grown out of - kicking, biting, hitting etc. amongst many others. BOTH of her parents thought was ok and normal! It took me three YEARS to convince them to get her assessed and what do you know? She has ASD. BOTH her parents missed it for TEN YEARS. So to say that someone who doesn't have bio children has no clue about parenting is not only insulting, it's downright wrong.

My daughters bio mother couldn't cope with her so left her here with us. I homeschool her, take her to appointments, attend school things with her, soothe her through meltdowns (which are becoming less frequent), care for her when she's sick and love her as my own child.


Now, you and your girlfriend DO need to work together on this. First step is to sloooooow down. You don't need to end the engagement but you shouldn't set a date at this point. Have a long engagement. The two of you sit down together and decide on some house rules, and then together, you sit down with your daughter, tell her that you and your girlfriend have decided on some rules together, and YOU explain to her what they are. 

Be consistent with your daughter - every single time. It will build trust and security for her (it won't seem like it at the time).

For what it's worth, my girl is now a teen in full hormonal glory. Add in the special needs and she's delightful and revolting in equal measure, lol. The way she speaks to her father, and (when she bothers to call her) her mother is absolutely appalling. She doesn't speak that way to me though, because she knows that I won't tolerate it, and that there will be swift consequences. I'm a strict parent when it comes to things like respect and manners. Other things I'll let slide - I pick my battles.

Guess who she comes to when she's upset or worried? Neither of her bio parents.


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