# seperated for five months having a hard time



## mrslmndz (Apr 14, 2009)

Five months ago today, told me he wanted a divorce over the phone. It came as a surprise as I did not know we were having problems we were getting along better than ever. That night he said so many hurtful things I asked him if he was coming home and he said he was but had been gone all day he said he could not tell me this in person as I was only going to cry and he would feel guilty. He said he did not love me anymore, I had let go of myself, the house, and of us. I later found out he was staying at a girls house. a girl that liked him and was pursuing him. Well that night I grabbed my clothes and left to stay at my moms house. He would rarely come back home to spend the night. two weeks after he gave me divorce papers for me to fill out. He gave a 30 day notice on our rental home. So I found a place moved out but I am in so much pain. Its been five months and well I am not existent to him anymore. We were our first love our first everything. I was not able to give him a child. We were together for 13 years and married for two years so we were in this relationship for a total of 15yrs. I am so devestated seems to me that the more time passes by the more I miss him and the more I am getting depressed. I do what people tell me to do, work out, take care of myself, go out. but at the end of the day I come home to nothing to no one. I miss being his wife, his love, and his best friend but he doesn't. I feel like I lost all hope and faith in life. I no longer have dreams... Just needed to get this out. What else should I do. I was going to therapy but does not help.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

hmmm.
I would really like to hear his side of things.
What strikes me is your lack of anger...if this really just happened onto you the way you say, so out of the blue, I doubt you'd be like this. I sense your putting on a show. Your covering up for what is really happening and theres no way I can ask you what really happened if you are what I suspect you are.


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## mrslmndz (Apr 14, 2009)

Anger!!! I am past anger right now...I am hurt. I was always completely faithful, loyal, supportive, and the only one that he was able to rely on from anybody of his family... What do you suspect I am? A show, yes I am putting a show to everyone that I am strong but in reality when I come home I feel like the world has collapsed. He told me that I wasn't there for him and he tells everyone that we grew apart....For three years I supported him financially while he went to art school so that he can build his sculptures and show them in galleries... He promised me that he was doing this for us for our future. But as soon as he got a job and started showing at art galleries show after show. He decided that he wanted to share his dream with someone else. I was a good wife, and his best friend. We did everything together, I helped him promote his work, I raved about him to my friends. I always told him and showed him that I loved him...Its been five months in those five months I guess I hoped that he would come back but now I lost all hope.... Upset, angry, yes to the fact that he seems to want to erase me out of his life completely and I can't understand that myself...... He said that I dragged him down when it came to his art work. He said he wanted to be on top of the hill and he was tired of holding my hand to get there... But I helped him get there.. I sacrificed for us, I had rarely any time for me as I work full time, I would drop him off at work, at school, then I would go home and cook, clean, and walk the dogs. I can't seem to understand myself....one week before he left he had told me he was so happy to have me as his wife. What do you think is really happening, tim... What do you suspect I am?


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Well sorry to hear this, but please stop feeling sorry for yourself, you do need time to heal, but if there is no love then move on.

I suggest, do you have any really close female friends? any of them single? or any that are married that can take a week away from their spouse?

I would go on a "girls only cruise" or somewhere else you ahve always dreamed of going, Europe? Cancun? Tahiti? 

Get away, go on a trip, Spa treatments, maybe dress up and go to a nice bar and become a cougar and romp some young man for the night.

Ok maybe not the last one...But I like the idea of a girls only cruise a singles cruise. 

You need to shift gears maybe find some groups, there is a thing called "Meet up" on line different meet up groups in your area, such as wine tasting, Hiking, kayaking, Dinners...etc. Like minded people that get together.

Try something new dear. Sorry that he ran off, but tiime for you to move on.

get yourself some sexy clothes and hit the town, or some online dating sites.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> Well sorry to hear this, but please stop feeling sorry for yourself, you do need time to heal, but if there is no love then move on.
> 
> I suggest, do you have any really close female friends? any of them single? or any that are married that can take a week away from their spouse?
> 
> ...


 :iagree:

I have been where you are--a year now. It is hard! I still can't make sense of the bizarre stuff my spouse did. I probably never will fully understand.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Honestly, I'm having a hard time figuring you out mrslmndz. My instincts tell me you're a drama queen. Your white washing the story I suspect...and your setting up an image of yourself as a victim. 



> I am putting a show to everyone that I am strong but in reality when I come home I feel like the world has collapsed


This is particularly disturbing. You're here for acceptance and attention. You need to learn to not act out of emptiness and loneliness because it gets you in trouble. How many beds have you been in the last 5 months because you have felt this way? Because you have acted out and looked for reassurance...you've been dumped again haven't you? Did he leave you because you were emotionally abusive? Because you cheated?

Maybe I'm wrong, sure. But you sound very vindictive and you are talking about a man that left you 5 months ago...your doing this because your latest sucker has dumped you too. No one is giving you attention right now so you come here, and you long for your previous attention giver which is your ex husband. 

You give a LOT of credit to yourself for his hardwork. You did it all, yet he ended it. That just doesnt happen...he didnt do anything? He didn't work hard? How then is he even an artist?

You're demonizing him. If what you say is true you would not be longing for such a nuisance, why would you want him back?


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

GAsoccerman said:


> Get away, go on a trip, Spa treatments, maybe dress up and go to a nice bar and become a cougar and romp some young man for the night.
> 
> *snip
> 
> get yourself some sexy clothes and hit the town, or some online dating sites.


I'm willing to bet she's been doing that...and it only leads to emptiness in the end, everytime. Isnt that right mrs?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I feel as though I'm missing something here. Does Tim and mrslmndz know each other?


:scratchhead:


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## amigo21 (Apr 2, 2009)

I think so too...


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## mrslmndz (Apr 14, 2009)

I don't know Tim, and he obviously does not know me.. Tim seems to talk out of Anger. But its okay because he does not know who I am. Drama Queen far from it. I am a shy person. I am here in this forum to talk to people who are going through similar situations. My ex, he was a hard worker, he had a vision and he made his vision come true. I never doubted him, I never questioned what he wanted to do because I knew that he would do it....I admired him in his work. He is a great artist and last I talked to him I told him that he was a great artist. I said I helped him, I was there for him. I am not vindictive, If I was why would I still miss him and love him.. I did not cheat on him, never did. I did not even have male friends out of respect for my husband.. Never would have male friends because he was my best friend. I was not emotionally abusive. I always raved about him to my friends and coworkers.. I was greatly involved in his artwork. NO, I did not do his artwork but I would help promote his work, talk to art gallery owners and schedule his showing, I would help him write his artist statement, grant proposals, and price his work. His cousin had come to live with us for three years to go to college. He was going to school and she was. I worked full time and paid the bills for those three years..... I don't regret helping his cousin because she was my cousin as well....I sacrificed for him for our future a future that would never come for us... I am not vindictive, I am hurt....Why would I want him back after all he did you ask Tim, because I love him, I miss him, because we shared a lot of special memories and moments together.... I am shocked that he left the way he did because we did not have a bad relationship... I guess to sum it all he fell in love with someone else, another artist someone that he had things in common with. He would always tell me that we were opposites and I would tell him thank god imagine another me I would be bored.. but we had things in common, we were both homebodies, we both liked spending friday nights in the movies or at home renting movies, we both liked experiencing new restaurants, we both liked the outdoors and animals...I loved going to home depot with him. I haven't slept with anyone in these five months. I don't need any other mens attention, don't want it...but you are right at the end of the day pampering myself, doing things for myself make me feel empty. Because I have no one to come home to, I have no one right now to share my life with....And no, I won't just be with anyone.... I need to be in love to be with someone. Yes, its been five months. People say get over it.....But we were together for FIFTEEN YEARS.. I have never been with no one else......Yes, I would also like to hear his true side of his story myself....WHAT HAPPENED... so that if it was my doing. I would have really worked hard to work it out....I just think that he fell in love....with someone else.... and what hurts is that no matter how hard I try to erase him out of my mind and heart I can't....


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

No I dont know mrs..

But there are a lot of redflags that I'm VERY familiar with here and in a way I know her like an open book.

15 years, long time. I'm glad mine ended just shy of 6. ugh...

Time to move on. All I can say is, YOU are in control of your life, your actions DO have consequences, and you need to take responsibility for yourself and no one else (other than your children).

Do not act out of your emptiness, it is dangerous. I know its hard sitting still when you feel empty, I know....
I wont meddle anymore...I'm sorry.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

No they don't know each other...

But this is what I see for Mrs...

She was "comfortable" in her marriage, she says it, it was just the way "it should be" wake up, go to work, eat dinner go to bed, repeat...

Her husband got bored with the marriage and something came along that "sparked" his interest again and breathed new life into him.

Sorry he never explained to you that he got "bored" which was really not fair to you, that is why you got blindsided. He never told you how he really felt about "life" which is usually different between men and women.

The dream of "a house, white picket fence, two kids and a dog and happily every after" is a good as a fantasy as a threesome. 

This was a communication problem between you and your husband, he never communicated to you his issues, which was not fair.

Sorry honey, I hope the new man you find will communicate his needs better to you, as you communicate yours to him.


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## mrslmndz (Apr 14, 2009)

you are right. He just got bored of me. There was nothing more that i was able to offer him.... I gained weight, I let go of myself, of the house. There was no more future for him if he continued with me... I cant have children. I was not there for him the way he wanted me to be, I did not know how to..., But I did love him, I did enjoy being with him and I always showed him...Feeling sorry for myself? Move on? I was taking therapy all they told me was to exercise. I have been surviving these past five months. I will survive but my spirit isnt......People tell me to take antidepressants. Wow is that the answer? Grieve, because its like if he died people tell me. But he didnt. He is still out there living his life, enjoying every minute of it. He is succeeding in what he always wanted to do. He is making it and I am happy for him, would not wish him any harm because I love him but I would be lying if I told you that It does not hurt me that he is not sharing it with me. I would be lying if I told you that it hurts me that he does not think or miss me, that he does not feel the need to reach out to me and ask me how are you doing rather than him asking me are you okay? Okay so he moved on..... so he did.....and I continue to be stuck in this rut the rut of memories and longing.. He erased me completely out of his life and out of his memories as If I never existed as If i never was his girlfriend or his wife. Okay so he fell in love with someone else. gotcha, I gotcha, I accept it and I hope that he is happy, really happy and I hope that he feels complete. I guess I never meant anything to him, Yeah, all those fifteen years of me was just someone taking space in his life.....He always told me that I was going to be another woman in his life that would abandon him. His grandmother abandoned him, his mother, his aunts.. I know he knew that I would never abandon him.. I guess the joke was on me...

TIM
RED FLAGS, RED FLAGS. I would love to know what red flags. I would really like to know so that I can change. Yes, I would take my responsibility. I do need to grow up into a woman. Some people told me that my husband was my protector that I looked for him to be my protector...Maybe I did in some crazy way. But I know that I tried to take care of his needs as much as possible....LOVE, I NOw see that he never loved me....

Sorry, you all. Today, I woke up angry at the world. I need to find my happiness.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

don't be sorry mrslmndz. i wake up most days angry also


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Ditto. I totally can relate to your sitch mrslmndz. I was blindsided too without being communicated to what was my H's issues. Mine has OW too. Sixteen years of marriage, tossed and wasted for nothing! I understand anger because it is an every moment thing for me!


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

all three of you ladies have every right to be angry, i would be angry to if I were you.

You gave some good information in your rant.

You couldn't communicate with him, were you afraid of hurting him? afraid of Confratation? 

All his women abadoned him huh? he was waiting for oyu to? but it never happened, he left you instead, that tells me it is him, not you. he has a hard time accepting that you will nto leave, he was wait and waiting for that day, even though it probably would ahve never come from you, he couldn't see that. he could not grasp that you loved him that you were not going anywhere. He could not understand that he was "wanted" that someone actually cared. He always felt someday you would leave, even though you may never have, he can't believe that in his mind. 

I really think a good cruise is good for you, and good friends to hang out with.

As for your weight none of us are models or movie stars. I dated a girl in HS who frankly was not a good looking woman, but I saw past her looks and I dated her for her personality. Not everyone has the same vision to what beautiful is, we all enjoy different flavors.

You need to regain your self confidence, right now your hurt and lonely, blindsided by some wuss of a man.

He failed to get help for his inner demons and to communicate with you his issues.

Talk to a therapist, get some help, go out for ladies night, go on a cruise.

Join a "meet up" group for social gatherings, any single female friends that need a room mate.

While I know it is tough, you just have to take one day at a time, it's going to take a long time to get over.

But it's not your fault, it is him. These demons will follow him and his new relationship, he will never truly be happy. I think you can with the right man...just takes time. Plenty of people out there looking.


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## mrslmndz (Apr 14, 2009)

I really hope so GA-
I receive a text from him two days ago asking me if I would take care of his dog for a while ( we shared the dog before he kept that one at his mothers temporarily I took two small dogs to live with me) Get this I haven't heard from him since I last saw him at an art show with this other women. So he saw me and he pretended not to see me I went up to him after quite some thought and he just shook my hand.. Thirteen years okay...In the text he said hey would you take care of the dog for me for a while....Of course I did not respond and I immediately deleted his text so I wont get the urge to text him back. I dont know his number by memory...Mind me I text him back a while ago and he totally blew me off he ignored my texts. So two days later he called I ignored it and he left me a message. Hi how are you hope things are well with you, I hope you are okay. dog needs to be taken care of for a week. I need him to be taken care of as of today. WHAT GuTS, after he leaves me he then ignores me he still wants to use me... I am so upset and in shock why cant he take his dog where he lives. If the other women loved him she would take the dog in too right.. even if animals are not accepted. Why does he not have friends that can do him the favor?....why does he come bck to old reliable me the only person in his life that was there for him ever... Well he burned his bridges with me Mr. he left the relationship like a coward, ignored me, and refused to talk to me likeif it was my fault that he left me.... The seperation came out of a shocker to me.... so I looked at his text and just smiled out of disbelief.. He is totally mental....


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

He and mine sound like twins mrslmndz as far as being cowardly etc.. Mine thinks I am paying his bills...can you believe the gall? He's gonna be surprised!!!! Ha!


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