# When to admit its over



## worrisomewatkins (Aug 11, 2017)

I'm not sure how to tell my story and give an objective perspective so that I don't make myself sound like the victim, but I'll try. 

Together since 2008. Eloped in 2012 and moved across states to join him where he was stationed in the military, he does admin work, within the first three weeks he brought up divorce. Fast forward to 2015, we moved into a new apartment and a few weeks later he told me we were getting divorced. Told me. There was no discussion, no warning, no things to work through or change. He then moved out to live in a spare bedroom of a guy he worked with. To say I was devastated is beyond an understatement, I was inconsolable and I sought help. I forced myself to spend as much time out of the house as I could, I even volunteered myself to babysit at 6am on a Saturday just trying not to be alone. He started to contact me again but I declined and told him I was dating, he handled it so maturely said that he knew it was just a matter of time. I had signed up for a site and I hooked up with people, we were still legally married but I felt single and I didnt think I was doing anything wrong. Fast forward about 6 months from that conversation, we were talking about getting back together but he would continue to live an hour away. And that's how in was for a year until he relocated for a 3 month training where I would follow. The morning I was heading to the airport he called and told me he slept with a coworker since we had gotten back together. I asked if he was telling me because he didnt want me to come, he said I deserved to know and he wanted me to come. So I flew home and he drove up to get me and our stuff. The next day at our new place a fight ensued when he told me he cannot get past when I slept with other people after he told me he was divorcing me and moved out. A week went by and he told me he got a room in the barracks, he grabbed his things and left. I just about died I was sobbing so hard I could barely breathe. The next day I packed my car and drove the 9 hours back. A few days went by he contacted me I was too angry I couldnt talk to him. Eventually I spoke to him and it was one of those conversations where you know you shouldnt trust a word but when the person you love says they see a future with only you its hard not to listen. I moved back to the same state he was in 2 hours away renting a room from family. I've been here for 5 months and I have seen him twice, we have only had sex once since December. I offer to come down each weekend, and each time I am told he is too busy with work. 

I was supposed to meet him this upcoming Monday to get my ID renewed and two days ago he asked if we could reschedule I agreed because I have a lot of vacation time I have to use up this month so the day doesn’t matter. I told him I will come down the day before and get a room so I don’t have to commute down super early to get to him before work. Essentially he told me he wont have the time to see me the day before because he will be too busy with work. We had not even picked a day yet. He said “I know it’s inconvenient, I’m sorry.” I didn’t respond and I haven’t heard from him. I have been spending this time reflecting on how good it feels not waiting for him these past two days. I find myself forgetting just a little bit more each day what it is like to be with him. Technically we have not lived together since 2015. Maybe you could infer things based on how I dismissed his cheating or how I came back when he asked. But throughout this it hasn’t really come across how much I love him, how much he is a part of me. When do you know it’s the right time to finally give up? It isn’t as easy as just break up, never talk again. I can’t just disappear because we are married. If I do decide it is the right time there will be the pain of talking to him, the paperwork, and the divorce. 

I want more than anything our life together but realistically I haven’t had that for two years and now I don’t get to see him and hardly get to talk to him. So when do I just admit defeat?


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

You need to love and respect yourself. Start there.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Wow, this is a lot for a person to deal with, and I'm sorry that you're here.

I think that you'll know when to admit that it's over when you finally grow tired of his stringing you along. He cannot make time for you at all? I would say that that is a huge red flag, and I think he may be cheating on you. Actually, being that you guys have been on and off for so long, I don't even know if I would consider it cheating. But, I think he's probably seeing someone, and doesn't want you to know because he wants to keep you on the back burner, as Plan B in case Plan A doesn't work out. I'm not sure why you feel such love for him when he's treated you like garbage for so long. He sleeps with someone during your time apart, and expects you to accept it, but cannot accept the same thing from you? That seems a little self righteous. 

You guys are technically married, right? I think that if I were you, I would stop chasing him. Go dark, and stop responding to him. Don't be available to him whenever happens to work for him. Don't dance to the beat of his drum; dance to YOUR beat. You're worth more than he's giving you, and how much longer do you want to keep waiting for him? Wouldn't you rather be with someone who wants to be with you?


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I think that it is finished, too much damage has been done to your marriage by both of you, love is secondary when you have both taken machetes to the marital body, you seem hell bent on taking revenge with your dating etc when you both should have been trying hard to repair the marriage, he is cheating on you a lot, if he admitting a coworker PA, then their is a lot more going on behind the scenes, you are too far form him to keep tabs, too much going on to repair i think, maybe it is time to walk away, you will know no peace until you do.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

The red flags for this relationship are all over the place: you don't communicate as a couple, divorce comments within the first couple of weeks of marriage, his inability to live with you, both of you stepping out on the marriage instead of working on it to name a few. I know you left a lot out, but the two of you have a lot of issues that you need to address. That will never happen as long as the two of you are apart. And certainly not while various affairs keep happening.

I would think long and hard about this relationship and reach out to your family and friends for support. This really isn't a marriage.

I have been part of the military for over 20 years and I don't know anyone who has so much work that they have no time for anything else. _If you were important to him, he would be making time for you_


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## worrisomewatkins (Aug 11, 2017)

Thank you for your replies. I have heard much of it before from family and friends, I do let him treat me like garbage. It's funny that that word was used because that is why I declined getting back together with him after he left me the first time. I felt he threw me away like a piece of garbage. I am that stupid person who believes him over and over even though he has lied to me so many times. I wish I could take back cheating on our marriage after he left me, and I wish he could take back cheating on me after we got back together. 

I know you guys think I left a lot out, but it was out of the blue. We havent been one of those couples that fights all the time and when he left me (both times actually) we were in a really good place. Christ he had just driven to come get me when he didnt have to, and the first time we had just signed a lease on a new apartment. Anyway it seems like you all agree that it is over, but even now typing this I can only think, how can I be the person that gives up?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

worrisomewatkins said:


> Thank you for your replies. I have heard much of it before from family and friends, I do let him treat me like garbage. It's funny that that word was used because that is why I declined getting back together with him after he left me the first time. I felt he threw me away like a piece of garbage. I am that stupid person who believes him over and over even though he has lied to me so many times. I wish I could take back cheating on our marriage after he left me, and I wish he could take back cheating on me after we got back together.
> 
> I know you guys think I left a lot out, but it was out of the blue. We havent been one of those couples that fights all the time and when he left me (both times actually) we were in a really good place. Christ he had just driven to come get me when he didnt have to, and the first time we had just signed a lease on a new apartment. Anyway it seems like you all agree that it is over, but even now typing this I can only think, how can I be the person that gives up?


your not giving up your coming to the conclusion that hes an asshat and you don't want to spend any more time with him seems reasonable to me.

good luck


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

worrisomewatkins, its over. You can do much much better in your life than a partner like this. Run . Don't look back.


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