# I just can't tell how I feel



## jb7764 (Apr 25, 2013)

I think I've posted once before about some issues we had that we seemed to kind of navigate through a few years ago. We have now been married for 10 years. But I've hit a point of restlessness and confusion over how I really feel anymore. 

I do love my husband, but I just don't know if this love is that "in love" love or just a deep caring for him since we have been a major part in each other's lives. He was my first love and I think I was his. He does do some sweet things for me still like caressing my face, getting me coffee, playing with my hair, and rubbing my back (I dig that kind of small stuff). But we are so far apart when it comes to sex. He's a once or twice a month kind of guy and I want it at least once or twice a week. I catch myself fantasizing about being with another man with a HD that I have the opportunity to seduce without fear of rejection who makes me feel sexy and desired again. This is were that restlessness feeling starts I think. I always feel like I want to be doing something, anything, other than what we do on a daily basis. I'm so bored with our lives, but everything I suggest we do he turns down unless it's disc golf. But even that I'm a little bored with. 

Also, we don't like the same foods so we tend to fight a lot over that. And I can't get him to go to 90% of the restaurants in town. So when we eat out of it doesn't have a drive thru or a lot of tv with sports on we don't go there. I don't like most fast food places. And he never compliments me (even though he does that other sweet stuff it drives me crazy to never hear him say nice things to me). I've told him several times that I would like more compliments, but he still never does. I get maybe 2 a year. 

I didn't mean to turn this into a rant but at least you are able to see that I think my confusion (mixed with my crazy) are toxic to us. Maybe I'm a little depressed and that is what's feeding this negativity, but how do I know? How can one tell when its time to move on or try harder? I honestly can't tell what my true feelings are. I have some moments where I absolutely adore him and his company, but I just can't tell if it's because I am still in love or if it's just that hes like my best friend. So what do I do to figure it out?


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## jb7764 (Apr 25, 2013)

I've went back and read some of my old posts and they are all pretty much the same thing just in different amounts of detail. i will add that he did stop with the video games and got more attentive. We just still don't match up sexually and I still feel like a begger at times. But my sex drive is less than it was, though still higher than his, so I guess I didn't notice it as much or I just got lazy/depressed? I just don't know anymore. I think maybe I don't leave because I can't support myself. Maybe because I'm terrified that I'll end up stuck in a worse relationship. Or maybe I'll end up alone the rest of my life because I'm kind of a pain in the ass at times with my anxieties. He does his best with me but sometimes he just doesn't know how to sympathsize with my fears and anxiety.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi JB sorry this is happening. So far he seems pretty decent just a little clueless. Is he someone u can talk to or does he just shut you out and say yes dear.  I would look into the mental aspect as it sounds like u have some components. What would happen if u suggested therapy? I personally believe that there is a middle ground for the LD and HD if the 2 love each other and if they dont they should be apart anyway. I know thats not popular but sex is not always intercourse and sometimes a hug might work but if u are afraid to even talk to ur partner or ur partner rolls their eyes and says oh not sex again. ur really in trouble because if u love someone it doesnt matter if they have the flu or HD or LD marriage means helping them.


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## jb7764 (Apr 25, 2013)

He's a little of both if that makes sense. I can talk to him, but he sometimes listens and sometimes doesn't. And other times he just take a really, really, long time to put what we've talked about into practice. And other times he will put it into practice right away but gives up after a short time. Like he runs out of motivation. 

If there is free counseling we might be able to do something of the sort. I think I might have to work on my crap solo also but I think I can find that for free around here. Just not sure about marriage counseling. Going back and rereading my post I can see I have my own set of issues I need to work on. 

I agree about the middle ground thing. I feel like he doesn't do that. I didn't mention it in my posts because I'm not sure where even I stand with it anymore, but about 6 years ago we decided to try for a baby. He actually initiated this. But it wasn't happening for us so a couple years in we went to a doctor and they can't find anything wrong with either of us, but I kept track of everything to up is time it better and all of my charts showed us missing our window of fertility almost completely or we would have one day of sex a couple days before ovulation. I told him about our timing issues and he kept saying ok we'll work on it. But after a few more years of the same thing he eventually said he didn't want kids then I put two and two together when he would point out that I should be starting my cycle in a day or two. He knew when I was fertile and he would avoid sex as best he could to avoid pregnancy all the while making me think we were trying. I think that after that first year of trying he just got discouraged and then changed his mind but didn't want to tell me. So I think I hold a little resentment for this that adds to my delimma. But because I don't know how I feel about having a baby I can't decide if I can't get over it or not. I'm almost 30 and I will lose my chance at being a mother someday. So will I look back at this and be angry or be able to forgive him because it was what we both really wanted? I don't know.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Perhaps you should consider some MC to get you on the right track and deal with the resentment and learn how to communicate about your feelings to one another. Men correct me if I am wrong but planning sex to cooincide with your fertility is probably a turn off, does he need to know everything, couldn't you have seduced him those days, plan a get away, a hotel surprise, whatever? I think you both still love each other it is just you are stuck and need a professional to unstick you as it were.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

aine said:


> Men correct me if I am wrong but planning sex to cooincide with your fertility is probably a turn off


Yes and no, when I wanted a baby it was actually kinda a turn on, because I knew my chances of getting laid were good. The fertile period was really the only time she would sleep with me during our first year of marriage. There were other times, but I had to really go all out and spoil her, or threaten to leave. This was like guaranteed free sex once a month.

When I no longer wanted a child with her, and she still did, it was a chore, I didn't avoid sex, I was still starving, but 75% of the time I didn't finish.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

You really have a great serious problem. It would be good if you could get your H on here as well but I suppose that is unlikely.
How about work. Do you both work. I get the feeling that you want children and your H isnt too keen. That maybe the reason of your sexual problems.
You have been together ten years. Were you always so different in your eating and in almost everything else. Is there still something that you can do together.
Before you think of ending you should try everything possible. 
You also sound like you try to 'control' him. This is a big turn off. You say you cant get him to go ......
This could also be the main problem here. If that is sorted out I expect things to improve.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How old are you guys?


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## jb7764 (Apr 25, 2013)

Turnera, I am 29 and he is 33. 

Afab, he definitely wouldn't get on a forum. Unless it was for one of his games. But not for marriage. We do both work. He drives a cab while he looks for work in the field he wants. He graduated with a bachelors in forestry and hasn't found anything yet. So he drives the cab a few days a week to supplement some income. And I work full time in retail. I'm kind of torn really about the children thing. I have days where I can't stand kids and don't want anything to do with them (usually when there have been a lot of kids acting like spoiled brats at work) and then I have days where the idea of not having any just completely breaks me. The other days the idea of me being a mother terrifies me. The usual "I can't be responsible for keeping this little tiny human alive!" panic turns up and I start thinking maybe we shouldn't have any. But the point is, I want the choice. I do not want him to get to decide that also. Most days I want to have kids. 
When we got married neither of us really wanted kids. At least we didn't care if we had any. We enjoyed our freedom. I also had the metabolism of a teenager so I didn't watch what I ate or exercise but I still had the body of a cheerleader (I wasn't one, but I looked like one). But I'm older now and don't have that metabolism anymore and I feel my health declining so I NEED to be healthier so we did used to have more in common. Now that I'm older and know I have to be healthier I find healthy foods taste better and some of the foods that he enjoys make me feel sick. 
On some level I do want to control him. Not in a way where I'm completely in control of his life, but I just want to have a say in my own sex life. The when. The how. The how long (I know this one is a tough one, but we found something that works really well in prolonging how long he lasts, but he refuses to use it). When it comes to sex I can't ask him to do oral. He has done it maybe 3 times in the 10 years we have been married and he has said "it grosses him out." He won't deviate from our "tried but true" position. To be honest, I think this might be because 1) it's the easiest position for him 2) it's guaranteed to get me off quicker because we can reach the clit and double stimulate. The problem I have with this is that he sticks with this because it can take me a really long time to get off IF I can even get off in other positions (I didn't have my first orgasm until our 4th or 5th year of marriage and I gave it to myself). I have to have a good amount of forplay and it has to be a turn on or it's not happening in the 5-10 minutes he wants. But he will keep the tv on and watch it while trying to do foreplay and then get frustrated when I don't get off in a short amount of time. I just can't build to orgasm while I'm thinking about how he doesn't really want to do it and should I just let him stop. I've told him that I need him to be involved and into it or else I can't enjoy it and have a hard time getting off and he kind of improved. He doesn't look at the tv as much and will kiss me more. 

gouge_away & aine, I made every effort to keep the pressure off of him as best I could. I rarely talked about fertility, or infertility, I didn't tell him about my charts, doctor's appts, when my body was in peak fertility, what my body DID when it was in peak fertility. I only told him what I had too, when I had too. So after months of him telling me no during peak fertility I finally told him how important timing was. He never did believe me on that one because when he told me to let him know he would tell me no anyway and that we had to wait a day or two. Which was almost always too late. So I stopped telling him again and tried to seduce him instead and that didn't work. So then I stopped altogether. But I took on the brunt of the stress of the infertility aspect. I got him to do the semen test but that was all that he would do. So I went and had the HSG done (freaking hurts) to see if I had blocked tubes.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

He's masturbating daily

_"~wait a day or two…"_

This is somebody who is frequently getting off to the point that he is sexually exhausted.

He also seems brainwashed, to the point that real sex, real life doesn't stimulate him enough. The video games, t.v., lack of employment, it all seems he has been sucked into fantasy, and all but given up on reality.

#1 He needs a steady job, something with a challenge, learning curve, and recognition. That should help him detach from the games.

#2 He needs to control his sexual urges, and explore his desires with you. If you aren't feeding his desires something else will, men cannot suppress this. Seduce him from the moment he wakes up, I don't mean fvck him first thing, but get in his head, "your fvcking me today, be ready..." Flirt, send sexy texts throughout the day, build up some anticipation. Step out of your own comfort zone a bit as well.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

Hummm you pretty much summed up my marriage. I am a super picky eater and my wife loves all food. When she cooks dinner most of the time it is 2 different meals. Difference is we don't fight because we are not 3 years old. It's just food really.

When we first got married she wanted sex every day (super high estrogen levels) and I was working so hard by the time the kid went to bed I was ready for bed myself. She has since had a hysterectomy and now we rarely have sex because of her. Difference between us I'm not 16 years old and sex is just that sex. She tries but they still haven't got her hormones is sync. Sometimes sex twice a week then no sex for 2 weeks. That's what my right hand is for.

She loves me for all my faults and there is a ton of them. I don't show alot of affection, almost none. I joke all the time never take anythig serious. But I love her for who she is and she loves me for who I am. That's marriage.


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## jb7764 (Apr 25, 2013)

Gouge_away- I don't know if he's doing it that much. I know that he does. But I don't know, maybe he does have an issue with it. He's pretty into hardcore bondage, but I don't like the hardcore stuff. So maybe that's all that gets him going these days so he prefers going solo and watching his bondage videos. I've tried to do the all day seducing thing like you mentioned. But all that happens is I get myself riled up and he still says no. But I can only take it so far seeing as my mother lives with us. I know he has an issue with that, but she leaves all the time to see my brothers for days, sometimes weeks, at a time. Her being gone doesn't seem to make that big of a difference. 

Terrence4159, it's nice of your wife to make a separate dinner for you. But I do not like to cook so cooking an extra meal is out of the question. 

As for sex, well, I like sex for the intimacy that it brings us as a couple. I can't give myself that regardless of which toy I bring with me. I'm glad you have found a way to deal with your wife's LD.


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