# Married but Living Separately



## knight185

My wife and I have been married for almost 7 years. This year was the worst. We nearly called it a quits. We decided to stay in it and not give up easily. However, my wife longs to have her own space. She feels too run down by doing the duties of a wife and mom. She found zero satisfaction in being a stay-at-home mom because she didn't have the freedom to run around like she wanted. She is now working and enjoys having her own money and not having to ask me for much but her career is still not where she wants it to be. She gets extremely frustrated at me for not cleaning around the house as often as she thinks it should be done. She doesn't agree with having set cleaning days. Instead she relies on me to clean when I decide to but it is never enough. Anyway, it has gotten to the point where I think the best way to maybe save the marriage is to live apart. I don't want this for myself. I just feel that if she doesn't have her own "space" that she will eventually leave in a bad way. She hates having to take care of a house, she hates me for wanting to know where she is when I haven't heard from her, etc. All of this causes a lot of daily tension. It's worse now since she is working 12 hours per day. She isn't making enough to support herself apart from me. But if she did come into some big money I think she would divorce me. She watches too many reality shows where women find fame and money and leave their husbands. 

I was looking for someone with a similar story of a stressful marriage where the spouses decided to live apart and ended up being happier and how they changed the tension to peace. I really hope we can not go down this route but if my wife ever does make enough money to move out and our state of marriage is the same, I assume she will live separate from me. That way she doesn't have to worry about cooking and cleaning for me and she can rip and run without being accountable to me. I still have a problem with that part. She feels I need to know her every move. Not true. When hours go by with no word from her, I want to know what's going on. Maybe the worry is there because phones keep us so connected and she chooses not to connect.


----------



## nevergveup

From what you describe,it sounds like your wife
dosen't like being married and the responsibilities
that come with it.

Is she depressed or angry?
Have you asked her what is really wrong?
Try to find out why she is feeling like this.

Good Luck


----------



## knight185

She has been depressed a lot. Her emotions fluctuate too much for me to grasp. I think she is happiest when she can go to work and do whatever she wants afterwards. She is happiest when hanging with friends and shopping. When it comes to home stuff she hates it. She blames her attitude on me so much that I can't tell if I'm to blame or if her deep unresolved issues are to blame. I told her recently that she needs to figure out what to do. If she needs space away from the family then she has to go and figure it out. She has so many childhoods issues that cause turmoil in her mind that typical marriage struggled push her overboard. Sometimes I just feel like telling her to leave and save me the headache. But I don't want to quit. But I also don't want a divorce and have to pay her alimony because she can't support herself. I also don't want stay married, live separate, but act like we aren't married. I would be willing to continue to live as a married couple with different residences. That could avoid all of the high and low emotions in a single household. 

I feel like a failure of a husband for suggesting such a thing but we can't have this tension for the rest of our lives. It's not worth it.


----------



## PBear

No offence, but it doesn't seem like much of a marriage or even relationship. And definitely not something I'd want the kids to pick as a role model for their future relationship. More like limbo or purgatory, waiting for "something better" to come along.

What are the two of you doing to try to fix things? Any counselling, either individually or together? Any date nights? Or do you just send her a check every two weeks?

C


----------



## knight185

Counseling is actually what kept us going. It was with our pastor and First Lady. They told us their story and it motivated us to keep working. I took the blame for certain things early on but she has so much resentment about certain things that it seems like she can't let it go. The issue is that I was not as involved during her pregnancy and baby years of our son as I should have been. That resentment still exists along with many other emotions. We still spend time together but she is most happy when she is not home. She doesn't like a typical family home life. She likes to be out in the world doing her own thing. The situation is weird now because she works until 10pm at night. Quality time is limited but even when we had time she didn't like being at home. She blames me for everything that's has gone wrong when maybe she just can't admit that marriage and family isn't for her. I don't know. Sometimes it seems to make more sense to live apart, visit, go on dates, etc. That way she can't blame me for what is wrong in her life and I don't have to put up with the mood swings.


----------



## knight185

What I'm interested in are stories of couples who were happier living apart rather than everyone providing critiques of my current situation.


----------



## indiecat

I do know a couple who do live separately but still talk and see each other. But there kids were grown when they decided to do this. It does work for them. 
I believe you need a trial separation and you need to hammer out the details, who lives where, how long will it be for etc. Approach her about it, tell her you love her but sense that she needs some time apart to sort out her feelings and future. She thinks the grass is greener, so she needs to go out there and find out if it really is, or stay stuck in limbo which sucks. 

You can't keep on like this, it's not healthy for anyone.


----------



## john117

Monumentally bad idea. If and when her employment picture improves she will be all too eager to bail. In general, 12 hour work days are lethal to the marriage, and if the 12 hour workday spouse gets upset about the "slacker" 8 hour workday spouse it gets even worse (regardless of who makes more money)


----------



## dsGrazzl3D

knight185 said:


> What I'm interested in are stories of couples who were happier living apart rather than everyone providing critiques of my current situation.


Good Luck with "finding" these stories. My take is stop looking for fantasies as she is the problem!!! You can only gain respect if you demand and give it back! From what you have described so far you are only postponing the ultimate divorce. I know you do NOT want to hear this!  Sorry but you need some honesty. You also need to start looking at the reason you let her set the rules for your marriage. Yeah, you both have made mistakes... *BUT* Cheating and then getting well wishing church leaders to "talk you into marriage"... Common and realize that their marriage and their lives are just that! It is up to you and your wife. If you stated she is waiting to make more money and that's all that is stopping her... WHY WAIT!?!?

I know you want to be a good dad. But you can not set a bad example of what marriage looks like to kids that will grow up thinking "mommy telling daddy what to do and how to do it" is going to be okay. Marriage should be about compromise. Do not compromise your own self esteem just to satisfy a wife whom does not respect you! If you do not have respect, then you can never have love!

Good Luck & Tell church leaders in firm manner where you stand! Tell them, family and your wife you are going to DEMAND RESPECT... Then take nothing less than the respect you DESERVE!


----------



## wtf2012

Did we marry the same woman?

Not a critique, I mean whatever makes y'all happy (good luck with her) but definetly a warning

If you decide to do this it very well could set precedent for co parenting and alimony that will come later if(when) your separation becomes more formal(legal). i highly recommend consulting an attorney before you agree to anything. 

I say this I because I made the same mistake. If being active and involved in your kid's life is important to you and them, you owe it to them to not screw up any separation agreement, however preliminary. 

It may not seem like she is interested in family life, but most places base child support off co parenting time, and from the little you said, it seems like she will be angling for all she can get. 

Good luck!


----------



## stopandmakecoffee

knight185 said:


> What I'm interested in are stories of couples who were happier living apart rather than everyone providing critiques of my current situation.





> I was looking for someone with a similar story of a stressful marriage where the spouses decided to live apart and ended up being happier and how they changed the tension to peace.



I am.
I too, now live separately; but that's the polite term. One day, I just got myself buttkicked out from the our home and marriage.

My marriage -in this new light of knowledge- wasn't a marriage after all. Poor communication outside work, passive-aggressive husband, intrusive in-laws, no sex life. Then,bam! Hit me out of nowhere. I literally had no place to go, only 150$ in my pocket, 8 boxes of my life being tossed to the curb.

Im not going to criticize you nor your wife; in my opinion, things like this just happen, you know. for what reason? i dont know. because maybe there is no reason. There's just a point in life where everything, and nothing makes sense anymore in the term of relationship with that certain person.

Am i happier now? not necessarily, but one thing for sure, i dont have to deal with such person as my daily routine. in the beginning of the separation, it was frustrating, depressing, felt like i was being gutted alive, but it'll pass as time goes by. still broke like a rat, but free as a crow. for whatever happened, im happy to be where i am, to be who i am right now


----------



## knight185

stopandmakecoffee said:


> I am.
> I too, now live separately; but that's the polite term. One day, I just got myself buttkicked out from the our home and marriage.
> 
> My marriage -in this new light of knowledge- wasn't a marriage after all. Poor communication outside work, passive-aggressive husband, intrusive in-laws, no sex life. Then,bam! Hit me out of nowhere. I literally had no place to go, only 150$ in my pocket, 8 boxes of my life being tossed to the curb.
> 
> Im not going to criticize you nor your wife; in my opinion, things like this just happen, you know. for what reason? i dont know. because maybe there is no reason. There's just a point in life where everything, and nothing makes sense anymore in the term of relationship with that certain person.
> 
> Am i happier now? not necessarily, but one thing for sure, i dont have to deal with such person as my daily routine. in the beginning of the separation, it was frustrating, depressing, felt like i was being gutted alive, but it'll pass as time goes by. still broke like a rat, but free as a crow. for whatever happened, im happy to be where i am, to be who i am right now


I don't see me wanting to kick my wife out over our current issues. And if we were to live apart it would be so she can focus more on herself during her daily routine rather than worry about getting upset with me of things. If she left now the grass would not be greener since she can't pay for her own place. I think staying with someone else would only provide a short break.
During counseling she claimed that she needs time to heal from the anger due to be being too hard to deal with during our first few years of marriage. But she also have zero patience for anymore disagreements. It's like I have no more room for mistakes. She said I was too overbearing in this regard early on and now I'm getting a taste of what she felt like. I admit I don't like it but wonder how long it will last. But that is only part of the issue. She has a lot of internal emotions that need worked out. A lot of marriages go through this kind of rough patch. Just sure not how long it will be. And I don't like how easily some people offer up divorce. For me it seems too early to just quit. Haven't reached that point yet to go beyond the point of no return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VFW

Separation should never be done without a plan in mind. What is the goal of the separation and how are you going to accomplish these goals. Is she just wanting space from you or space from the family? Sometimes a change of venue can allow you to gain perspective and through counselling you can work on a long range plan to better deal with your problems. All these things have to be worked out before separating.

I suggest that you consult with an attorney to ascertain your legal rights. Custody, visitation, monetary support all need to be settled. It sounds like she wants to live a single life, but wants you to pay for it (life ain't that easy). It is time for her to put her big girl pants on if she wants to live separate.


----------



## knight185

VFW said:


> Separation should never be done without a plan in mind. What is the goal of the separation and how are you going to accomplish these goals. Is she just wanting space from you or space from the family? Sometimes a change of venue can allow you to gain perspective and through counselling you can work on a long range plan to better deal with your problems. All these things have to be worked out before separating.
> 
> I suggest that you consult with an attorney to ascertain your legal rights. Custody, visitation, monetary support all need to be settled. It sounds like she wants to live a single life, but wants you to pay for it (life ain't that easy). It is time for her to put her big girl pants on if she wants to live separate.


I never considered consulting an attorney but i guess it would be good so that we know the legal implications, especially if she decides to go from simply living separate to an actual separation to use for a divorce. I think she wants her own physical space where she isn't accountable to me about the residence and her money. She thinks I ask too many questions about where she is going or what she spent her money on. is spending her money on. Her biggest housing complaint is that I don't cook and clean enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear

So now she'll be doing ALL the cooking and cleaning in her place... That seems like an improvement!

In your first post, I interpreted it as this was a long term plan to "save" your marriage. As in, you two could be living separately for years. Or are you thinking it will be a much shorter thing?

I would agree with the previous poster, though... Separating without a plan to fixing the marriage is just one step closer to divorce. The problems that exist won't just go away while you're separated. And if you're thinking this separation will last longer than a month or so, it would be a really good idea for both of you to understand how things would be if you did make it permanent, in terms of kids and finances. You should also have a clear discussion and agreement on the whole "seeing other people" thing, and any implications of how that will affect things. Don't assume that you're on the same page, as you're in a brand new book now. Especially if your wife is looking for a financial way out of the marriage. 

I do wish you well, no matter which way things go. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Justadude

This is almost exactly what happened to me. She wanted to do her own thing, which is avoiding the responsibilities of life (ended up having an affair.) In my case I was/am dealing with a person with NPD. I suggest you look this up, and if the shoe fits then you really just need to move on with your life…it look me almost a year to get to the point where I was able to walk away from her (really my dream of having a normal family unit.) 

No matter what you do on your side, if she is incapable of commitment and taking on responsibility there is no hope. Sorry but it’s the truth, but I know your pain. The truth is the truth, and avoiding it will not make it go away. She has character issues, like my wife does. I wanted her to be a mature responsible adult, and waited, and waited, and waited for it to happen. 

Only recently have I come to peace with, she is who she is…and that’s not going to change. Funny thing looking back at it all now, women like this rob you of your self-respect. You don’t deserve this, and nothing you did caused her to be the way she is. She will try to blame you, because she doesn’t do responsibility…do not fall for it. 

Ask her this question: “What is her responsibility to you in this marriage?” When I asked my wife this, she tried to turn the tables on me a couple of times, I tried three times to get her to answer this, she never did…finally I realized that a marriage where one person has no responsibility to the other is NEVER going to work. It was then that I was able to walk away, but it was after a year of trying anything and everything to save the marriage. My heart was ripped out, and I look at my actions to try to save a family as noble, but there really was never any hope…I just couldn’t bring myself to believe it.


----------



## Justadude

Sorry for the double post, but your wife’s actions are so similar to mine that it has struck a nerve. She avoided the house and family…wanted to do her own thing…blamed me for every problem she had…she had a messed up childhood…she had lots of unaccountable time (I would bet she is having an PA, or at the very least an EA).

Check this out, you are probably Codependent like me (aka as Sucker,) and she is probably a Narcissist (aka as abuser.)

Narcissism and Codependence


----------



## indiecat

When she can start taking responsibility for her own part in this unhappy situation THEN you will be able to make progress as a couple. She can't just keep blaming you for her unhappiness. 

IF she is just sticking around because she can't afford to leave....how long can you put up with this?


----------



## barbados

No posts from thread creator in over a month


----------

