# It's Put Up or Shut Up Time



## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

I confronted my husband about his internet trolling and he decided to use this as an opportunity tell me that he has suffered due to my lack of sexual interest and/or availability in our relationship for years. So, he is basically demanding (without saying as much) that I give up a friendship with someone and make myself more available to him sexually. We have rarely been on the same page with how often we want sex.

So, I have invested years into my marriage in an effort to do what is "right" for us and our children. We have struggled financially and to become more compatible. In many ways we have succeeded. But I do not feel attracted to him and will often avoid flirtatious or overtly sexual conversation or situations with him because I mostly don't enjoy it with him. For a long time I thought it was just me. 

Then, I began talking to someone (an old friend with whom I had an affair long ago). All the feelings of sexual attraction rushed over me. We have been talking off an on for the last few years with the agreement we would not see each other alone (we are both married). So the situation is conducive to fantasy not reality and I have often imagined that someday we would be together I tell myself this is not fair to myself to put off being happy until some uncontrollable event occurs. Still, I do not want to give up the connection I have with my friend. This person feels like a life line into a part of myself that I cannot share with my husband. I wish I could, but I don't feel emotionally safe doing so with my husband. 

Last night in response to my questions about my husband's internet searches, he wrote me a letter. The letter outlines how much he wants to stay together, but also a plan for separation, a blame of me and why he trolls the internet, and a line in the sand. He wants me to cut off my relationship out of fear that this other relationship is the problem. In fact it has been my emotional salvation. So, no I don't want to give it up. But I know it is not reality and I would be so lonely without my husband in my life. I feel so stuck and sad. I wanted to be able to post a success story on the Long Term Marriage forum. Today, I just want to curl up in ball and hide. How do I make my marriage be the one I wish it were and not lose my friend???????????


----------



## NeverSure (May 21, 2009)

I don't have much experience and I probably shouldn't be handing out advice, seeing as my hubby and I are going through a difficult time right now, but I just wanted to point out something that we both learned recently (something that did not dawn on us before): the time you spend corresponding with your friend (or doing anything that does not include your husband) is energy you are not focusing towards your relationship. A relationship requires effort and you need to work at it in order to keep it alive. For several months my hubby and I focused our energy on other things and we are just now realizing that we lost so much precious time together. I don't blame your husband for wanting you to stop contact with the friend (what you have going is considered an emotional affair). I am of the belief that when two people love each other (as it seems you do), they can find their way through anything. You just need to focus your energy in the right place. 

I may be completely off and please don't feel as though I am judging you. I just thought I'd share my thoughts with you. In the end I hope it all works out. Best of luck to you both!

NeverSure


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

has hard as it is i belive your focusing to much on tour friend for emotional suppport .. if you want your marriage to work then you need to be 100% behind your husband .. id stop contact with your friend and work on the issues you have with your husband. If its just about lack of sexual interest then why ? whats changed do you still have sex ?


----------



## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Whether you want to admit it or not, you are still having an emotional affair with the OM, and had a physical affair with him prior.

Your husband has EVERY RIGHT to ask you to cease all contact with him.

That would be a deal breaker for me, you be with me, or with him, not with both.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

revitalizedhusband said:


> Whether you want to admit it or not, you are still having an emotional affair with the OM, and had a physical affair with him prior.]



:iagree:


----------



## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

humpty dumpty said:


> :iagree:


You know what they say, great minds think alike! :smthumbup:


----------



## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

NeverSure said:


> the time you spend corresponding with your friend (or doing anything that does not include your husband) is energy you are not focusing towards your relationship. A relationship requires effort and you need to work at it in order to keep it alive.


:iagree:

I've read your other posts and I feel horrible for your situation. His trolling the Internet for casual encounters is reprehensible! No matter how "sexually" deprived he feels.

But you have to ask yourself if you want to save this marriage. That means that you will have to give 100%. You will never be sexually attracted to him while living in your fantasy. Your emotional relationship with this other man just increase the resentment you have for your husband. (probably the same way his viewing porn and trolling craigs list make him resent you for not being totally available like these fantasy girls.) My guess is both of these fantasies are keeping the two of you from doing the hard work to save this marriage.

If you want to work to save it, *YOUR *part is ending this emotional affair. (*HIS* is to give up the internet tolling). I'm sure there are a ton of other issues you need to deal with as a couple too. But you need to deal with it TOGETHER.

If you are unwilling to give the EA up, then be honest with yourself and your husband and face the facts that you don't really want the marriage to survive enough.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

SFladybug-

Just a question here. Is he attractive, and in good shape, or is he 100 pounds north of optimum.


----------



## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I have to agree with Ted. While your hubby's internet trolling is totally unacceptable, two wrongs don't make a right. It looks like you two are now in a vicious circle. Each of you wants to keep doing something that upsets the other, and each is waiting for the other to "go first" in giving it up.

I would freak out! if hubby was trolling around on the internet. I would equally freak out if he resumed a relationship (friendships are relationships too) with someone he'd had sex with before. Not to mention the fact that your friend is very accessable.

The excitement of the relalationship with the friend probably won't live up to your fantasies.

I hope everything works out for you.


----------



## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

Thanks to all for the advice. Of course it is the advice I would give someone else as well and what I have told myself, but MUCH harder to do than it may seem. I can't talk myself into seeing him as attractive (while he has been a little overweight - 230 for some time) it is more about how emotionally controlled I feel when with him. He finally went through personal therapy for his own issues about 4 years ago (including major family dysfunction he had ignored) and identified himself (not as addictive as I would have) but as Co-Dependent. His need for emotional control over others is huge and puts me off. My need for personal space to have room for me puts him off. 

He is more far flung and unpredictable in his emotional responses to situations and really needs to feel in control. I am more reserved and like to feel free to be playful at my own speed and intensity. 

P.S. - we work together daily so we have very little separation during our days. While we have worked out many of the issues around that, it still leaves me wanting some space. Plus the higher level of daily involvement brings normal frustration/control issues around work that have made this harder to pull out of. Will do a little more soul searching this weekend. Hope you all have some good times with your loved ones. 

So, I know I need to be honest with myself and get my act together...hoping to do so with love and mercy - I could use some.


----------



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

ladybug - I'm in agreement with the other posters here. I hope that the two of you can find a level that works for both of you. I'll also add that your fantasy man is also robbing energy out of his marriage and his wife is probably feeling it just like your husband is.


----------



## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Maybe there is more to this story, I may need to read your other posts. It sounds like you are unwilling to give up your affair, and hubby retaliated by finding his own affairs. Both of you need to be committed to working on the marriage for any progress to be made. Having affairs, even emotional supportive friends, can be disasterous to a marriage. I also agree there are other people getting hurt in the affairs too, don't forget the children if any are involved.


----------



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

ladybug - I think enough has probably been said so I dont want to pile on, but I do want to note the irony of you having little if any romantic interest in your husband and yet still wanting to limit his internet trolling. Where do you think this comes from?


----------



## drrhudy (May 28, 2009)

I'd be intereseted in seeing what a "professional counselor" would advise in this situation. From a perspective of someone married for approximately 40 years, it is my opinion that you are being honest with neither your husband nor yourself. 

You say: 

I have invested years into my marriage in an effort to do what is "right" for us and our children. We have struggled financially and to become more compatible. In many ways we have succeeded.​
Both you and your husband have "invested," in some manner, in your relationship. That's life and true of any endeavor in which one wishes to succeed.

So you "struggled financially"! So have millions of us. You appear to be looking for excuses for your behavior, not solutions. 

This may seem unkind. It is certainly not intended to be so. However, you need a _reality check_.

"How long halt you between two opinions." (I Kings 18:21) You need to either "defecate or get off the commode".


----------



## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

drrhudy - 
You sound like either you are in your own pain that you have not yet shared or that you have never had to struggle to be in the right frame of mind or never had to wonder if you made the best choice at 19 years old - but stayed in order to do the "right thing". I find it difficult to listen to your feedback as it sounds overly judgemental, and really does not even respond to the question I am pondering out loud in this forum. So, I would prefer that you avoid posting your thoughts on questions that I pose unless you have something more to share about your own story than the fact that you have been married 40 years.


----------



## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

Ladybug - 

In my situation, by the time my wife started seriously entertaining her emotional affairs with her two men, she decided she was going to leave me at some point.

She knew that it was time and energy that could be spent repairing the marriage, but she felt like she had already tried that, and I wasn't responding, so she did what she had to do to fill that void. She decided (and told me on our way to a dinner at my boss's house, with child in tow) that she didn't want to be married to me anymore.

I wonder if you've come to the same conclusion? In other words, it sounds like you've already given up on him. He doesn't stand a chance, as the affair (and make no mistake, that's what it is) for you seems more rewarding than the marriage.


----------



## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

In some ways it does feel more rewarding than the marriage. But not really. I know it is not reality, just a fantasy where I can be a different sort of person than I normally am. No one is perfect, so I would rather not give up on my marriage. I still have hope that we can make it and I do want my marriage to work. It is just hard to drop the baggage. I know good relationships take effort but sometimes the amount of "work" is heavier than the amount of "fun". This from someone who is very responsible and takes things very seriously.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

SFladybug-

I am still intrigued at the title of this thread. Can you explain it, and what you intend to do?


----------



## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

MT - Thanks for asking. The thread title was my attempt to make myself face the decisions in front of me. I feel like we have let the status quo go too long without confronting. I needed to "think out loud". Plus, I am trying to decide how much I want to demand he stop looking at stuff on line - seems a little too controlling. On the other hand, it really bothers me. Since my first post, I have sent a letter to my friend to say that we can no longer communicate privately. This is painful, but necessary. Still my husband continues to get his "fix" with internet pics (and possibly more that I do not know about). So while I have decided to stop the EA, I have not really decided how to handle my discomfort with his activities nor have I come to any great "aha" about how to deal with my lack of attraction to him. I guess I am hoping that we can find a way to enjoy each other if I turn my attention to him. Still, his need for other visual stimulation seems smarmy to me and I don't respect it....so it just adds to my lack of interest in him. Any idea anyone??


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

SFladybug-

But could there be a bit of "chicken and egg" here? He looks at porn because you are not interested in providing that outlet for him?


----------



## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

Yeah, that's what he says, but he has always looked at porn, from before we were married and on into our first year. Also, even if I am available, he is still looking..so I honestly don't know which came first.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

SFladybug said:


> .so I honestly don't know which came first.


That's why they call it "chicken and egg" 

But, you could make a deal with him...

However, I've got to tell you that it might be that you are the one who has a problem with porn - his porn.

I'm not condoning porn by the way, it certainly does a lot of harm to some people, but it's a symptom, not a cause. Addictive personalities will always latch onto something until they give up the cycle of addiction. Take his porn away, and he will want something else. That something could be you.

We are all broken down machines in some way. That's why I don't like to take sides. We're all at it. Some things are deemed by society to be more acceptable than others. But look closely and you'll see it's all the same: Porn, On-line chat, WOW, Booze, "fast women and fast cars", hard drugs. It's just all a seeking for a dopamine rush to blot out the pain we mistake to be reality.


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i commend you for giving up your emotional affair.

that must have been, and probably still is, very difficult for you.

you have made the right choice and because you have, however your marriage eventually ends up, you'll be able to hold your head high knowing you made a responsible and moral decision. and that's very important because if you do eventually end the marriage you'll be in an emotionally healthier place to start a new life.

and if you stay married, well, the affair has to end for that to happen, and so you are one step closer to resolution either way.

it would be nice if your husband steps up to the plate as well.

but nobody can make another person do something they don't want to do. you are, however, allowed to decide what you need to do based on your husband's behaviour.

continue to work on yourself and try to turn towards your husband. i know that's not easy, but again you have to be certain you give it your all in order to walk away emotionally healthy. and as you change, your husband may change the way he behaves towards you. i experienced this with my son's mom. when i no longer accepted certain behaviour from her and changed the way i responded, eventually she changed her behaviour because she was no longer getting the response from me she wanted (we humans are astonishing creatures).

you demonstrate the ability to self-reflect and make hard decisions. these qualities will carry you through to a happier place. you'll be ok, but in my opinion, probably without your husband.


----------



## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

recent cloud - thanks for the kind words.

Getting to a more healthy emotional state is certainly a goal. I am hoping it can include him, but if not, I do want to feel respect for myself.

Be well.


----------

