# Husband masturbating to fantasies about a coworker



## Marriedplustwo (Aug 19, 2015)

Hey everyone, I'm looking for some perspective. My husband and I just had a new baby two weeks ago. Prior to this we were very sexually active. I am dying to have set again, and I'm sure he is as well. I tried to please him yesterday afternoon, but he kept going soft. Later that evening I asked how he was doing, with a wink to strike up trying to please him again, but he had taken care of business in the shower by himself. We had a conversation about it because I was wondering why I couldn't get him off but he could get himself off and I found out that he fantasizes about a girl he works with at his restaurant. I appreciated that he was honest with me, and I'm trying to not be bothered by this information, but I can't help but be. I know it's only natural to masterbate and have fantasies but the fact that it's an actual person in his day to day life really bothers me, and further that of all the times I have visited him at work and met so many people there I've never met her. I was hoping he would tell me he fantasizes about a celebrity or someone unattainable. My husband is a good man, I like to think, but we are all human and I fear these fantasies could lead to something more. I know how things can develop, especially working in a restaurant... That's where he and I met, not the same one but at a restaurant. 

Am I just being crazy or would you all feel this way too?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Not entirely crazy, although the spank bank is somewhat sensitive. 

If there is no carnal knowledge before your relationship it is insensitive.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

I find it extremely odd that he would tell you outright that he is fantasizing about someone he knows. I'm still deciding if it's a sign that he hasn't cheated or a sign that he has. On one hand he could be telling you because he is attracted to this person and he knows that this is the only way he would ever be with her. On the other hand, maybe he has already checked out and doesn't care about your feelings enough to bother lying.

I have had something similar play out in my marriage (I was in your position) and my wife was everything BUT honest, so no, I don't think you're being too crazy. Have you communicated to him how it makes you feel?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I would say that it is a red flag, but not necessarily one that should have you in a panic if it is the only one.
Other than that, how is your relationship?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How old are you two? It's extremely odd and disrespectful for a man to tell his 2 week post-partum wife that he's getting off to someone at work.


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## Marriedplustwo (Aug 19, 2015)

He didn't necessarily just say it out right. I asked what he masterbate to because I am, to my dismay, an overly curious person. He didn't want to tell me, but he decided to be honest with me so I can't be mad at him for that. I've tried to be cool about it, because I don't want him to feel like being honest with me will get him in trouble, but I can't stop thinking about it. It's driving me crazy. I don't fantasize about anyone and I feel really sad that him fantasizing about this girl he works with can get him off and me being physical with him doesn't. ( We can't have set vaginally yet because I just had a baby two weeks ago). 

Our relationship is super good. I was the cheater in my last long term relationship and I think I'm scarred because of my own actions. He is a good man, and I know it frustrates him that I ask these questions and get worried about our relationship. I just have huge fears because I'm getting older. And have had two children, and he works with a bunch of young and beautiful women. There is usually a lot of sexual tension in the restaurant industry, I know first hand, and know how working with the same people every day can get really flirty. He swears they don't flirt, but I think something must go on there for him to fantasize about her.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Marriedplustwo said:


> He didn't necessarily just say it out right. I asked what he masterbate to because I am, to my dismay, an overly curious person. He didn't want to tell me, but he decided to be honest with me so I can't be mad at him for that. I've tried to be cool about it, because I don't want him to feel like being honest with me will get him in trouble, but I can't stop thinking about it. It's driving me crazy. I don't fantasize about anyone and I feel really sad that him fantasizing about this girl he works with can get him off and me being physical with him doesn't. ( We can't have set vaginally yet because I just had a baby two weeks ago).
> 
> Our relationship is super good. I was the cheater in my last long term relationship and I think I'm scarred because of my own actions. He is a good man, and I know it frustrates him that I ask these questions and get worried about our relationship. I just have huge fears because I'm getting older. And have had two children, and he works with a bunch of young and beautiful women. There is usually a lot of sexual tension in the restaurant industry, I know first hand, and know how working with the same people every day can get really flirty. He swears they don't flirt, but I think something must go on there for him to fantasize about her.


OK, this provides a bit more context. 

Congrats on the new baby 

You have every right to feel the way you do. I suggest you tell your husband you want to pay a visit to the restaurant when she's working, for the purpose of introducing the baby to all of his coworkers, including her. And instruct him that if he's anything less than loving and doting on you in her presence, there will be hell to pay at home!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

This is one of the times that a person shouldn't be totally honest to his spouse.

He was a bone head for telling you the complete truth. He should have said he was fantasizing about you.

Really strange that you couldn't get him off. I have been married for almost 30 years and I get hard the instant my wife shows any interest in having sex of any kind. I think that is a bigger issue than who he is fantasizing about.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

Marriedplustwo said:


> He didn't necessarily just say it out right. I asked what he masterbate to because I am, to my dismay, an overly curious person. He didn't want to tell me, but he decided to be honest with me so I can't be mad at him for that. I've tried to be cool about it, because I don't want him to feel like being honest with me will get him in trouble, but I can't stop thinking about it. It's driving me crazy. I don't fantasize about anyone and I feel really sad that him fantasizing about this girl he works with can get him off and me being physical with him doesn't. ( We can't have set vaginally yet because I just had a baby two weeks ago).
> 
> Our relationship is super good. I was the cheater in my last long term relationship and I think I'm scarred because of my own actions. He is a good man, and I know it frustrates him that I ask these questions and get worried about our relationship. I just have huge fears because I'm getting older. And have had two children, and he works with a bunch of young and beautiful women. There is usually a lot of sexual tension in the restaurant industry, I know first hand, and know how working with the same people every day can get really flirty. He swears they don't flirt, but I think something must go on there for him to fantasize about her.


Heh, you asked. Shouldn't have if you didn't want to know. 

For the record, if he's a typical guy, he has fantasized about your co-workers, his co-workers, your friends, his friends, your relatives, and yes, probably one or two of his own relatives.

Just know that it doesn't mean he is actually planning to cheat or desiring to do so. Any reasonably intelligent guy understands that many if not most of his fantasies could be disastrous if they came true, and they set their boundaries accordingly.

There is a problem if his fantasizing and self-gratification are interfering with your sex life, however. That needs to be addressed.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Nope sorry but there is no excuse for telling your two week post partum wife you fantasizes about some other woman to get yourself off, after she had tried to take care of you with a blow job!

The red flag is utter stupidity and the cure is a smack to the head when he says stupid sh!t like that!

Having said that, fantasizing about someone else is not an issue. People come and go in our lives, we're married not dead. Some of those people peak our interest and then fade away until the newest Bond film comes out.

Never, ever, under any circumstances, tell you spouse who you fantasize about!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Whoo boy....you definitely should not have asked and he should not have been honest!

It would be different if sharing this type of info between you was something you had already done together, and found it enjoyable (yes, some people do tell each other these things and find it fun to share about it). But clearly that's not the case.

Don't ever ask him again unless you are truly ok no matter what he answers.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

My wife and I don't fantasize about anyone we know and if we are available, we always take care of each other.

Might be a boundary you want to establish.

His inability to get an erection for you in conjunction with getting off to the thought of a woman he knows is disturbing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think that complete openness is not as good an idea as many people think it is. A fair number of people, both men and women, have extreme, or disturbing fantasies. If you happen to be one of those people, it is easier to accept them in others, but if not, then honestly you probably don't want to know.

I have fantasies about thinks I would never do - ever - they are just fantasies. I would try not to worry about his fantasies - just about his actual actions.

IMHO, on the scale of some fantasies, thinking about coworkers is probably not all that unusual. 




Marriedplustwo said:


> He didn't necessarily just say it out right. I asked what he masterbate to because I am, to my dismay, an overly curious person. He didn't want to tell me, but he decided to be honest with me so I can't be mad at him for that. I've tried to be cool about it, because I don't want him to feel like being honest with me will get him in trouble, but I can't stop thinking about it. It's driving me crazy. I don't fantasize about anyone and I feel really sad that him fantasizing about this girl he works with can get him off and me being physical with him doesn't. ( We can't have set vaginally yet because I just had a baby two weeks ago).
> 
> Our relationship is super good. I was the cheater in my last long term relationship and I think I'm scarred because of my own actions. He is a good man, and I know it frustrates him that I ask these questions and get worried about our relationship. I just have huge fears because I'm getting older. And have had two children, and he works with a bunch of young and beautiful women. There is usually a lot of sexual tension in the restaurant industry, I know first hand, and know how working with the same people every day can get really flirty. He swears they don't flirt, but I think something must go on there for him to fantasize about her.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Married I think i agree with just about everything that has been said. No u should not have asked and No he should not have answered. Yes he has probably fantasized about every cute woman he's ever met No you dont tell a hormonal women that 2 weeks after a baby. A couple of issues. First you couldnt get him off is a red flag but that can be explained by the pregnancy especially if he was in the delivery room. Second you were the cheater in ur last relationship and now ur afraid he may want to cheat on u. Ya'll could probably benefit from some therapy but nothing to run to a lawyer yet. And yes curiousity killed the damn cat so careful what you ask from now on. Good Luck


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

sandrwersoe said:


> He swears they don't flirt, but I think something must go on there for him to fantasize about her.


No, this is not necessarily the case at all. I have fantasized about with women I couldn't stand and/or wouldn't touch in real life. It is simply about them being physically attractive/sexually appealing.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

After my wife had our first, I don't think we had sex for another year or so. Yes, sounds shocking to me now, because 10 years later, I want to [email protected] her every night (but realistically we do it every week). But I still cuddle with her, feel her up, and all that. When we had our first, I think all we used the bed for was to sleep. Maybe we had lost our libido.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Joey2k said:


> For the record, if he's a typical guy, he has fantasized about your co-workers, his co-workers, your friends, his friends, your relatives, and *yes, probably one or two of his own relatives.*


I was 100% with yeah until you got to the fantasy incest part.

That's not typical at all and frankly pretty fvcked up.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Marriedplustwo said:


> He didn't want to tell me, but he decided to be honest with me so I can't be mad at him for that. I've tried to be cool about it, because I don't want him to feel like being honest with me will get him in trouble, but I can't stop thinking about it. It's driving me crazy.


OMG, that line right there is just the pure awesome dynamics of a real relationship going FULL THROTTLE! 

Seriously ladies, you can't blame a guy for being honest!!!!!!!! Was it wrong for him to have impure thoughts, YES, but you can't blame him for owning up to it when asked even though the timing is also horrible.

I just think this is a case of life can be a little messy at times, and honesty can sometimes be a little tough to handle. But hey, at least she knows what she is dealing with as *knowing what is going on* is more than half the battle in most problematic relationships. 

OMG, this would make a great scene for a romantic comedy! 

Don't bash this guy!!!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> How old are you two? It's extremely odd and disrespectful for a man to tell his 2 week post-partum wife that he's getting off to someone at work.


This. I don't think the OP is overreacting. 

Some private things are not for our spouses ears. I don't need to tell my husband that sometimes I indulge in sexual fantasies about a famous move star. That's not nice at all.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> It's extremely odd and disrespectful for a man to tell his wife that he's getting off to someone at work.


Fixed that for you.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Fixed that for you.


You're right!!


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

It doesn't sound like too good an idea to ask such questions. Like, for instance, I wouldn't want to know who were my partner's sexual partners before we got married, how good these guys were, or how they compare to me!

Some things it's best not to know... If I asked out of curiosity, there's every chance that I would get rather insecure...

Incidentally, I have some rather kinky ideas (and preferences) when it comes to masturbating to porn. Fortunately my partner doesn't ask; and I don't tell...

A little doubt can lead to tonnes of suspicions sometimes.



Marriedplustwo said:


> He didn't necessarily just say it out right. I asked what he masterbate to because I am, to my dismay, an overly curious person. He didn't want to tell me, but he decided to be honest with me so I can't be mad at him for that. I've tried to be cool about it, because I don't want him to feel like being honest with me will get him in trouble, but I can't stop thinking about it. It's driving me crazy. I don't fantasize about anyone and I feel really sad that him fantasizing about this girl he works with can get him off and me being physical with him doesn't. ( We can't have set vaginally yet because I just had a baby two weeks ago).
> 
> Our relationship is super good. I was the cheater in my last long term relationship and I think I'm scarred because of my own actions. He is a good man, and I know it frustrates him that I ask these questions and get worried about our relationship. I just have huge fears because I'm getting older. And have had two children, and he works with a bunch of young and beautiful women. There is usually a lot of sexual tension in the restaurant industry, I know first hand, and know how working with the same people every day can get really flirty. He swears they don't flirt, but I think something must go on there for him to fantasize about her.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Interesting. Very true. There was this very plump girl who worked in our office when in our 20s. From what the guys said, I knew a lot of them were fantasizing over Susan. Me too. But she was definitely not the girl I'd want to have a relationship with (or even real life sex with). Just that she was great for a fantasy.



Joey2k said:


> No, this is not necessarily the case at all. I have fantasized about with women I couldn't stand and/or wouldn't touch in real life. It is simply about them being physically attractive/sexually appealing.


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## HMTX (Aug 20, 2015)

SadSamIAm said:


> This is one of the times that a person shouldn't be totally honest to his spouse.
> 
> He was a bone head for telling you the complete truth. He should have said he was fantasizing about you.
> 
> Really strange that you couldn't get him off. I have been married for almost 30 years and I get hard the instant my wife shows any interest in having sex of any kind. I think that is a bigger issue than who he is fantasizing about.


this guy is right.

I've learned to not look too deeply into what my husband is fantasizing about. it is just fantasies and I trust him.

don't make it a big deal because if he cheats, he's not worth your time and you deserve better than that. and with men especially, the cheating will ALWAYS serface. they can't stop at one time.

I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. Definitely use that against him in a joking way. You've got some major ammo with that dumb move for sure!

hope I helped make you feel a little more at ease and a little less intense. I hate it when I feel that way.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

I'm mostly with Joey2k on this, but will add. With regards to him going soft, that may just be because he hasn't recharged since taking care of himself. Maybe he just thought the sex life was over until you were ready for action again so he went into self love mode not realizing you'd still be there for him or need him that way. I would just be open with him that just because you can't PIV for now, you still want to have a sex life with him. That you need that intimacy too.

Also, kudos for you for wanting to maintain that intimacy so soon after child birth. There are so many stories here where the wife goes into mommy mode and shuts down her sexual side for a long time afterwards.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Marriedplustwo said:


> We had a conversation about it because I was wondering why I couldn't get him off but he could get himself off and I found out that he fantasizes about a girl he works with at his restaurant.


I guess on the bright side, at least he didn't say he was fantasizing about the male chef ...


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

To tell the mother of your children that your fantasizing of a co-worker 2 weeks after she gave birth is LOW. The truth is most men fantasize about a woman we know in our lives not some movie star but you keep that $h!t to yourself. Especially in your emotional state. For you to be offering to give a BJ 2 weeks after giving birth, puts in awesome loving wife category. The fact that he went limp puts him unappreciative douche category.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Maybe he went limp because he'd been beating his coqq multiple times a day. Just give him a few days to get back again.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

jsmart said:


> To tell the mother of your children that your fantasizing of a co-worker 2 weeks after she gave birth is LOW. The truth is most men fantasize about a woman we know in our lives not some movie star but you keep that $h!t to yourself. Especially in your emotional state. For you to be offering to give a BJ 2 weeks after giving birth, puts in awesome loving wife category. The fact that he went limp puts him unappreciative douche category.


1. She asked. In fact, she didn't just ask, he didn't want to say but she badgered him about it until he did.

2. I get really tired of correcting people about this, but we men have very little control over whether or not we get an erection. It's not something we can consciously choose to do or not do. He didn't deliberately choose to remain limp. It can be caused by stress, poor circulation, or other physical or mental problems, but it is never an indication of poor character. 

Now it is true that after "expending oneself", it takes some time before you can get it up again (called the refractory period), but that is usually a matter of minutes.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Nope sorry but there is no excuse for telling your two week post partum wife you fantasizes about some other woman to get yourself off, after she had tried to take care of you with a blow job!
> 
> The red flag is utter stupidity and the cure is a smack to the head when he says stupid sh!t like that!
> 
> ...


More like a smack to his face. Why didn't he fantasize about his wife and how much good sex they had until he could get it again? But, then again karmas a *****. She mentioned she cheated in her past relationship.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

capri7204 said:


> More like a smack to his face. Why didn't he fantasize about his wife and how much good sex they had until he could get it again? But, then again karmas a *****. She mentioned she cheated in her past relationship.


Fantasies lack logic. My mind tells me I should be faithful to my partner. But something halfway down my body gets harder when the fantasy involves someone new


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe you should tell him that after much thought you totally get it and can't understand why you didn't think of it. So from now on you're going to fantasize about some hot men that you know, maybe some hot dads in your neighborhood. Plus you can imagine that they all have huge d!cks. 

I get that fantasies are normal but I'm also of the belief that a little empathy goes a long way. This is something you just do not share with your spouse so let him see how it feels.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

brownmale said:


> Fantasies lack logic. My mind tells me I should be faithful to my partner. But something halfway down my body gets harder when the fantasy involves someone new


First, you don't tell your wife that. Second, your wife probably imagines what a new d!ck would feel like. Just so you know. 

A female friend did tell me recently that she's bored because she's had the same d! ck for 18 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe you should tell him that after much thought you totally get it and can't understand why you didn't think of it. So from now on you're going to fantasize about some hot men that you know, maybe some hot dads in your neighborhood. Plus you can imagine that they all have huge d!cks.
> 
> I get that fantasies are normal but I'm also of the belief that a little empathy goes a long way. This is something you just do not share with your spouse so let him see how it feels.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree 100%. I think if she turned around and said that he'd be a bit upset as well.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

She asked, he didn't want to answer, she pressed on so she should have been prepared to hear something she may not want to.

"He didn't necessarily just say it out right. I asked what he masterbate to because I am, to my dismay, an overly curious person. He didn't want to tell me, but he decided to be honest with me so I can't be mad at him for that."

Do you all really think he should have lied at this point. Is that what you all really want him to do, lie!

Weeks later, when she may have found the truth he would be in double trouble.

Personally I think there is an issue with him not getting off, He should have addressed that rather than masturbating and fantasizing of someone else. I have done my share of masturbating but even when watching porn I always wish it were my wife there.


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## hospitality (Feb 24, 2014)

4x4 said:


> I'm mostly with Joey2k on this, but will add. With regards to him going soft, that may just be because he hasn't recharged since taking care of himself. Maybe he just thought the sex life was over until you were ready for action again so he went into self love mode not realizing you'd still be there for him or need him that way. I would just be open with him that just because you can't PIV for now, you still want to have a sex life with him. That you need that intimacy too.
> 
> Also, kudos for you for wanting to maintain that intimacy so soon after child birth. There are so many stories here where the wife goes into mommy mode and shuts down her sexual side for a long time afterwards.


I completely agree!

Also, there is a huge difference between fantasy and fantasy reality. Fantasy only example would be my wife having group sex being a total ****. In my mind that might sound hot but the last thing in the real world I'd want in real life. Fantasy reality example would be having sex with my super hot next door neighbor. Fantasy reality with my next door neighbor could easily happen therefore making my wife extremely uncomfortable. The gang bang is just fantasy and zero threat.

I don't think your husband's truthfulness is what is so shocking to you it's that anyone who has every worked at a restaurant knows that everyone is banging everyone, everyone goes out after closing and drinks and there are a steady supply of single HOT women coming in the door. Now that you have a child you most likely don't want your husband or yourself long term in this environment because next week will be another crop of babes flirting with him. Not exactly a family environment or conducive to a strong family structure and that is what worries you.

Restaurants/retail/car dealerships pay a lot more because most people with a family don't want to work the weekends, nights or holidays which are the best shifts. But you get addicted to the extra money and can't get out. I luckily graduated from college or I'd still be working in the restaurant industry and single because I made more money initially and it was cash. 

I'd recommend while you both are still young and hopefully not loaded with debt you make the transition to a m-f 8-5 career and work your way up the ladder while you still can.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

I'm not sure it's such a big issue as is sometimes made out of it. If she insisted on knowing, I would prefer to tell her the truth.

Besides, I'm sure she fantasizes about other men, and that's very fine by me. Sometimes, when watching porn together, I'd teasingly ask if she fancies one of the men in the images, etc 

How boring would it be for us to be trapped within ideas (fantasies) which have boundaries to them?



lifeistooshort said:


> First, you don't tell your wife that. Second, your wife probably imagines what a new d!ck would feel like. Just so you know.
> 
> A female friend did tell me recently that she's bored because she's had the same d! ck for 18 years.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

Marriedplustwo said:


> ... He didn't want to tell me, but he decided to be honest with me so I can't be mad at him for that.





Faithful Wife said:


> Whoo boy....you definitely should not have asked and he should not have been honest!





SecondTime'Round said:


> ... It's extremely odd and disrespectful for a man to tell his 2 week post-partum wife that he's getting off to someone at work.


Your husband is taking quite a beating in this thread. Would he have shown more respect for you by lying or telling the truth? Tough question.

In my opinion, it's worth a lot to know that you can count on him to always be honest with you, even when he thinks the truth may not be well received. 

Now, maybe just be a little more cautious with your questions.


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

Marriedplustwo said:


> I know it's only natural to masterbate and have fantasies but the fact that it's an actual person in his day to day life really bothers me....we are all human and I fear these fantasies could lead to something more.


Okay, here's the thing. When I fantasize, there is pretty much nothing off-limits. I fantasize about co-workers, neighbors, celebrities, TV characters, whatever porn I may have watched recently, and decidedly off-limits people like my wife's friends, the barely-legal daughters of my wife's friends...

And that's where it ends. Fantasy is just that. It's a fantasy. Sex is all in your brain, so there's absolutely zero harm in letting your imagination run wild if it helps you get over the edge. 

I am actually very surprised your husband told you the truth about the subject of his fantasy, though. That's a detail I would be unwise to share in my relationship. I accept that my wife probably has fantasies too, but I absolutely, definitely, under no circumstances want to know who she's fantasizing about.


Quigster


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Just a point of clarification: he wouldn't necessarily have to lie to her, he could have just said "I don't feel comfortable telling you, can we just leave it at that?"

His lack of foresight is the real flaw here - now she is jealous of this woman and probably for no good reason.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I read somewhere that men fantasize about women they know and women fantasize about strangers. I think if women realized that they wouldn't ask the question.

But bottom line is don't ask the question of you may not like the answer.


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