# He keeps lieing!! What do I do??



## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

Back at the end of May, I found out my husband had been hooking up with women he would find online in a chatroom called "Married But Looking" and that this had been going on for about 3 years. He didn't all of a sudden feel bad about this and tell me, I found out. We have 4 beautiful children together and they are the only reason I didn't go live somewhere else right then. I decided to put this all behind me and give him a second chance. A couple of days ago, he sent me a very innocent text message while I was at work, that was clearly for someone else. I called him (kind of laughing about it) to let him know and much to my surprise he proceeded to lie (very badly) about this message and make up some story about how it was really meant for me that made no sense. 

That night when I got home (he was alseep, I work late) I took his cellphone (with internet capabilities) and walked into the other room. He woke up and followed me and kept asking me what I was doing. I discovered that the innocent message he sent me was intended for a girl that he had gone to highschool with and was recently divorced and that he's been surfing alot of porn. The porn doesn't bother me so much (every guy does it as far as I know), but the girl does.

Not only did he lie to me about this stupid message but he told me he's been having texting conversations with her for weeks "about us" supposedly and was asking her for advice. He's lied to me before, he lied to me about this and he also has deleted any texts to or from her so there is no way for me to verify any of this. 

I don't know what to do...I'm just kind of numb now. I don't know what to believe and I'm just so sick of all of this. Why would he hide all evidence of and lie about all this? It just doesn't make sense to me. When I tell him what I'm feeling and how upset I am, he either doesn't say anything and yells that he's thinking or says sorry and asks me what I want him to say. Any conversations about our marital problems are completely one sided and he says it's because anything he says will just make me angry and he doesn't want to do that.


If I leave him, we will lose our house and my kids will probably have to transfer to different schools along with all the other great things that happen to kids when their parents get divorced. I really feel like I can't go anywhere. Does anyone have any suggestions?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Ask him if he's willing to go into therapy and be completely honest with you. 

Also, ask him if he's willing to open up all of his accounts to you at that very minute. If he is not, I wouldn't expect him to be honest with you at all and you're going to have to decide how long you're willing to fight for honesty. It could be a long battle.

(BTW, not all men look at porn.)

As for why he would hide the evidence and lie -- do you really wonder? You know why. He's guilty. He was doing things he should not be doing. And he's afraid of what will happen when you learn the truth.

I don't think that you should decide about your marriage based on the kids and the house. Can you honestly say that you'd sacrifice your self-worth and your feelings of safety in order to stay with a man who has an obsession with getting off with other women? He may have justified it to himself (perhaps you're low libido) but what he's been doing is wrong. If you want to live constantly wondering what he's doing when he's on the phone or on the net or when you're at work, stay. But if you don't, he's either goign to have to come completely clean, get into counseling and change, or you're going to have to leave.


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## Chinwit (Oct 6, 2009)

I have to agree wiht Dobo , which type of role model are you going to be for your kids , if you stay simply for them/the house. I am not saying that you should go , but you have to stay for the right reason.


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## NoTrust (Oct 9, 2009)

Deb,

I'm in a similar situation, however my wife's infidelity took place a couple years ago. I'm still with her (mostly because of our daughter and the house). I know it's not right, but I cannot imagine not seeing my daugher everyday.

I think about the text messages and e-mails EVERYDAY and it's slowly eating away at me.. Get out now if you can, I wish I had.


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## Gettingnowhere (Oct 9, 2009)

you know the best thing to do is to not let the kids know but become "swingers" invite a couple that you both find appealing and have a hot tub sexual encounter, you know what they say "if you can't beat them join em." Sex does not defy your relationship it only adds to it. If he doing it with others invite him to do it together or you could keep it on the DL (down low) and not tell about the swingers couple you met and just say you met this couple at work make sure the wife is to his taste and liking as the guy is also to yours....and ....MAKE IT OFFICIAL BECOME SWINGERS! Since you don't want to lose what you guys got going over this issue but, you know there will always be more issues if you can't deal with this one in a respectful manner...me, I would just bite the bullet, separate and take the kids... but, that's just me.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Argh.


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

Well the swingers post has made me laugh at least. Been a couple of days since that has happened at least.


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

Notrust...my kids are everything to me. I know they are smart and must think that SOMETHING is going on, but we've done really well in going on like everything in normal when they're around. I can't imagine not seeing my kids every day. I can't imagine uprooting them and making them go to new schools to have to make new friends while dealing with parents divorcing and moving from a nice big house to two separate apartments (no way either of us would be able to buy again for awhile). I think I would rather stay and be upset than be upset and have to deal with their anger, disappointment and grief too. I just don't know if that would be worse for us all in the long run or not.


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## Birdsong (Aug 28, 2009)

This is all a question of priorities. You love your children unconditionally. Their safety, well being, happiness & opportunities are more important to you than anything else. A mother is naturally the protector & defender of her children, & so it is right for you to feel they are your first priority.

What/who is your second priority? And your third? Fourth? 

I really hope that you instinctively answered that your second priority is yourself. If you were ever forced to defend your children, who would need to be fit, healthy (emotionally too), confident and prepared? Yes, you! So can you honestly say that you are all these things? If not, what/who is stopping you?

Your husband is a grown man. If he can't take care of himself by now, then maybe it's about time he learned.

So, you have two priorities that are inseparable from each other. Your children and you. The husband is not a priority as he is not fulfilling his role of supporter/protector of the family unit. If anything, he's detrimental to the unit at present. That means he's bad news for you and your children.

Marriage guidance is really the best way forward. A good counsellor will not steer you in any one direction. They help couples make the best choices for them. That can either be to help you stay together, or to help you part amicably. They'll help you decide what's best for your children.

Remember though, children are amazingly resilient and more perceptive than we give them credit for. I don't know how old they are, but children often know when something's not right in their parents relationship. Also, if you're unhappy then they're bound to be picking up on that. Imagine them as adults in a few years time. What do you think they'd say to you in retrospect? "I'm glad you stayed with Dad despite being unhappy & knowing he was untrustworthy. Thanx."

Your current relationship is also showing them what to expect from their future relationships. You're their example.

I'm not saying 'leave' and I'm not saying 'stay'. Just don't make your decision based on guilt and keeping your children happy. You owe them more respect than that, and you owe yourself more respect than that too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

Thank you, all of you, for the time and the responses. It REALLY helps being able to "talk" these things out with someone. 

I don't know why, but I've never been comfortable with the idea of a counselor. I know this sounds silly, but I'm a very private person and would hate knowing that some stranger was privy to all my most personal feelings and problems. At least here, I feel like I have a little anonymity and that really helps. 

I stopped talking to my husband two days ago and told him that I was through having one sided conversations with him where I pour out my heart and he answers, yet again, with "I'm sorry" and "I know, I screwed up", and that if he wanted me to talk to him again, he would have to come to me and do all the talking.

He did that this morning and he did eventually try to turn the conversation around to how most of this problem was my fault (not enough sex, not enough appreciation and I can't handle the finances). I let him vent for a minute and then made sure he understood that even though I'm not the perfect wife and that we could work on these problems together, that this would be the absolute last time that I would ask him to not lie to me and hide things from me anymore. I think he understood.

Wish me patience and luck!


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## Birdsong (Aug 28, 2009)

Well done Deb1234.

You need to work this thing through your way, and it sounds like you are making the decisions that work best for you. 

Counsellors do not generally make you talk about anything that you are not comfortable talking about. A 'person centred' counsellor allows the direction of topic to come from their client... you would not have to reveal anything about yourself that you didn't want to. A good, conscientious counsellor respects your privacy and does not force anything out of you - it could actually be potentially damaging to make a person speak about something that they don't want to.

I just wanted to try to clear up any mis-understanding you may have about Counselling.

I'm not surprised that your H tried to turn the blame onto you (a very manipulative tactic). Ok, none of us are perfect and I'm sure we realise that. If he really thought all these things then he should have spoken to you about them first before resorting to lying. On the other hand, you probably don't feel being intimate or appreciative towards a man who lies to you. Which came first?

Hopefully, your husband will listen to you now. I really do wish you all the best. Just stay strong and don't lose yourself. Stay true to you.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I swear I didn't see this before I started my thread on "The Lies" a couple of hours ago. The "that's my story and I'm sticking to it" type of lies. Evidence be damned. Disturbing on so many levels.


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