# Has My Past Ruined My Future?



## Seek the Good (Nov 14, 2021)

I recently discovered this site and I've found some really interesting discussions. More importantly I've noticed that there are some people here who give honest opinions and seem level-headed. So I want some honest perspectives on the situation. 

I'm in my 20s and I'm single, no kids and have never been married. I love the idea of marriage but I'm afraid of what may happen. For several years I struggled with pornography, sometimes to a great degree. At my worst I would watch it a few times each day. Eventually I started visiting cam sites, though I was grossed out by that and ultimately stopped because I felt guilty and thought the women were being horribly disrespected.

Anyway now I do not watch any porn. I have successfully fought it and am happier with my current state of things than I have been for a very long time. In some ways I feel like a new person. I overcame my porn problem by having accountability and using masturbation (without images or videos) to relieve any sexual tension I would experience. My religious community also helped me greatly, in fact I would say they helped me most of all. 

But to my main point. I am happy and thankful that I no longer use porn as a release or as an escape instead of dealing with my problems. I am 100% convinced I and others around me are better now. But even though this is the case I still feel deeply ashamed that I ever engaged in watching porn, and now I'm worried that my past will turn a good woman away from wanting to be in a relationship with me. In the event I meet someone I would want to be upfront about my past with her because I feel that's what's fair and respectful to her. But to be honest my fear of anyone even wanting to date me is sometimes so great that I don't even bother seeking good women or acting on the opportunity when they come along.

There is also the fact that self-gratification is still a method I use to regularly relieve tension. I don't want the discussion to turn vulgar or offensive but I do want to be get some input since many people here are either married or have been at some point.

So I guess my questions are these. First, does my past with pornography mean that a decent, morally upright woman wouldn't even want to go near me? Second, does masturbation negatively affect potential relationships? Does masturbation still occur in marriage? Does it harm marriage and relationships?

II hope this isn't too personal or vulgar. That is not my intent at all I just want honest conversation.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Your past with porn, if you've given it up, is as relevant as a woman's past with her boyfriends.
The past is the past and that is supposed to be for both genders.


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## Seek the Good (Nov 14, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> Your past with porn, if you've given it up, is as relevant as a woman's past with her boyfriends.
> The past is the past and that is supposed to be for both genders.


That's reassuring to hear, thank you. Do you have anything to add to my questions about masturbation? Have you been in a relationship that was affected by it?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Seek the Good said:


> That's reassuring to hear, thank you. Do you have anything to add to my questions about masturbation? Have you been in a relationship that was affected by it?


Masturbation can create unrealistic internal responses to sexual stimulation with your partner and should be refrained from, as much as possible. 
I'm not saying to never masturbate, but your time should be spent with your partner.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

This post sounds very familiar... Pretty much the exact same thing was posted about a week ago 









I Need Women to Help Me Understand My Porn Use


Hello everyone, this is my first post here, so please be patient. This may be a long post. I discovered this site not too long ago but have been intrigued by the types of discussions and some of the responses the community gives. Before I get into the main point of my post I want to give some...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Sheesh, I was expecting you to confess you did porn lol. I'll tell you what.....if women eliminated every guy who watched or watches porn from their dating pool,that pool would be pretty empty.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

At your young age your life can be what you make it.


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## Seek the Good (Nov 14, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> Masturbation can create unrealistic internal responses to sexual stimulation with your partner and should be refrained from, as much as possible.
> I'm not saying to never masturbate, but your time should be spent with your partner.





Tested_by_stress said:


> Sheesh, I was expecting you to confess you did porn lol. I'll tell you what.....if women eliminated every guy who watched or watches porn from their dating pool,that pool would be pretty empty.


Maybe so, but that doesn't make watching porn okay.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

bobert said:


> This post sounds very familiar... Pretty much the exact same thing was posted about a week ago
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The mindset and line of questioning/concerns are identical… 
And so ridiculous that I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of coincidence


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think any girl who likes you would admire you for being able to give it up and recognise that it's not something you want to do.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Didn't Jesus himself say: "Go, and sin no more!"

you will be absolved of the past if you straighten up and fly right!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Seek the Good said:


> First, does my past with pornography mean that a decent, morally upright woman wouldn't even want to go near me? Second, does masturbation negatively affect potential relationships? Does masturbation still occur in marriage? Does it harm marriage and relationships?


Unless you have warped into a perverted little freak how would they even know you watched porn?

Masturbation? No it’s fine.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DudeInProgress said:


> The mindset and line of questioning/concerns are identical…
> And so ridiculous that I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of coincidence


I'm PMing the guy to see what's going on with this.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let's see if I can simplify this - a guy that is physically fit and vigorous, well groomed, well dressed, gainfully employed in a professional career, has good interactive social skills and is confident in himself and in how he carries himself and how he interacts with others, will have good women lined up down the street whether he spanked to porn at some time in the past or not. 

A guy who is crippled by guilt and shame and afraid of his own shadow and has a warped sense of sexuality and fear of eternal damnation because he's peeked at some naked naughty bits in past will have women running for the hills.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

1. There is no need to bring it up, in fact kind of creepy if you did.
2. As long as you didn't use porn to educate yourself about sexual intimacy. Doing so is akin to watching Goodfellas to educate yourself on how to be a law abiding citizen.
3. It's over and done with, stop beating a dead horse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Let's see if I can simplify this - a guy that is physically fit and vigorous, well groomed, well dressed, gainfully employed in a professional career, has good interactive social skills and is confident in himself and in how he carries himself and how he interacts with others, will have good women lined up down the street whether he spanked to porn at some time in the past or not.
> 
> A guy who is crippled by guilt and shame and afraid of his own shadow and has a warped sense of sexuality and fear of eternal damnation because he's peeked at some naked naughty bits in past will have women running for the hills.


I think its fair that he is honest with any future partner about his past while recognising its not happenng now.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

it feels like the most important thing to you is punishment for your past “sins.” Why?

You’re more in need of counseling than relationship advice. You need to get at the root for why you feel the way you do. Change won’t happen until you understand that. Otherwise you’ll seek to poison any relationship because you feel that’s what you deserve.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I think its fair that he is honest with any future partner about his past while recognising its not happenng now.


I wonder how many women really want to know. 

I don't think that's appealing at all.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Seek the Good said:


> I recently discovered this site and I've found some really interesting discussions. More importantly I've noticed that there are some people here who give honest opinions and seem level-headed. So I want some honest perspectives on the situation.
> 
> I'm in my 20s and I'm single, no kids and have never been married. I love the idea of marriage but I'm afraid of what may happen. For several years I struggled with pornography, sometimes to a great degree. At my worst I would watch it a few times each day. Eventually I started visiting cam sites, though I was grossed out by that and ultimately stopped because I felt guilty and thought the women were being horribly disrespected.
> 
> ...


First, everyone has done something they regret. Good folks are people who learned and changed.

I was still watching porn when I met my wife and even looked at it in front of her.

We soon decided we didn't want that to be part of our lives and I put it away.

There isn't any reason a nice lady wouldn't be interested in you based on just what you've discussed here.

Masturbating is fine and I've done it throughout my marriage and my wife occasionally does it too.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I think its fair that he is honest with any future partner about his past while recognising its not happenng now.


You've missed my point. 

If he acts like he is some kind of deviant weirdo, he is going to appear like some kind of deviant weirdo. 

If he acts like a normal, healthy, productive man, he will appear as a normal, healthy, productive man. 

The porn here is not the problem. It is how he is reacting to his prior porn use and how he is viewing himself and worrying about how women will view him that is the problem. 

How would anyone even know unless he told them. And why would he tell them? And if he does tell them and he acts like it is some kind of deep dark secret, then he will come off as some kind of creeper and any gal that he is making this deep, dark 'confession' to will end up being afraid that he is some kind of weirdo. 

There's no reason for him to ever mention to someone that he has watched porn. 

What's making him weird is not that he has watched porn but his obsession with it now.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Seek the Good said:


> I recently discovered this site and I've found some really interesting discussions. More importantly I've noticed that there are some people here who give honest opinions and seem level-headed. So I want some honest perspectives on the situation.
> 
> I'm in my 20s and I'm single, no kids and have never been married. I love the idea of marriage but I'm afraid of what may happen. For several years I struggled with pornography, sometimes to a great degree. At my worst I would watch it a few times each day. Eventually I started visiting cam sites, though I was grossed out by that and ultimately stopped because I felt guilty and thought the women were being horribly disrespected.
> 
> ...


If you are in a western country, probably 90% of people look at porn and 99% have at some point. 









Porn Sites Get More Visitors Than Netflix, Amazon And Twitter Combined


Porn Sites Get More Visitors Than Netflix, Amazon And Twitter Combined




www.huffpost.com





You're fine. I think being worried about it so much might point to some issues that might cause you some problems to be honest. I think you should stop worrying about things that happened in the past and start doing things to make yourself more attractive in your present. Like being assertive, getting a good career going, learning to be an interesting communicator, getting in great shape, working on your confidence. The porn is a non-problem.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

pastasauce79 said:


> I wonder how many women really want to know.
> 
> I don't think that's appealing at all.


A lot of women respect honesty in a partner. How can you decide to marry someone if things are hidden from you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> You've missed my point.
> 
> If he acts like he is some kind of deviant weirdo, he is going to appear like some kind of deviant weirdo.
> 
> ...


Maybe he is like me and respects honesty about these things?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Maybe he is like me and respects honesty about these things?


But do you at least understand where I am coming from? 

Do you at least understand that what is making him come off as some kind of weirdo is his self-flagellation about the porn rather than the porn itself? 

Do you at least understand that his shame and self-flagellation and acting like he has some deep, dark, sinful secret is what is going to make him come off as creepy to women and not really the fact that he has looked at some nudey pictures and videos at some point?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Seek the Good said:


> Does it harm marriage and relationships?


This will be an opinion answer. I can show your many marriages and relationships where it has caused harm, just as many where it did no harm, and even more where it actually helped the marriage/relationship. There is no definitive answer to this question, regardless of what others might say.



> But to my main point. I am happy and thankful that I no longer use porn as a release or as an escape instead of dealing with my problems. I am 100% convinced I and others around me are better now. But even though this is the case I still feel deeply ashamed that I ever engaged in watching porn, and now I'm worried that my past will turn a good woman away from wanting to be in a relationship with me. In the event I meet someone I would want to be upfront about my past with her because I feel that's what's fair and respectful to her. But to be honest my fear of anyone even wanting to date me is sometimes so great that I don't even bother seeking good women or acting on the opportunity when they come along.


This says to me that you need help in dealing with and processing your past. And that is what it is, your past. Think about it this way. Going with the assumption that you are Christian (feel free to correct if wrong), then if all your sins are in the past and no longer count when you receive forgiveness from Jesus, then that past use is also done and over, and should not be held against you, including by you.



> So I guess my questions are these. First, does my past with pornography mean that a decent, morally upright woman wouldn't even want to go near me?


Again, you are delving into subjective territory here. Decent and morally upright by whose standards? The only standards you need to worry about are yours. There are plenty of women out there for whom this will not be a problem. Now if you get into the thinking that any woman who can accept you with your past is not decent and morally upright enough, then you have issues.



> Second, does masturbation negatively affect potential relationships?


It may or may not. The one situation where it is almost an objective standard where it will, is if the masturbation take priority over sex and/or the relationship. And then you are into addiction issues, regardless of what the addiction is. 



> Does masturbation still occur in marriage?


yes. Not all, but a significant number of them.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> A lot of women respect honesty in a partner. How can you decide to marry someone if things are hidden from you?


Honesty is important.

I don't need to know absolutely everything about a potential partner. I think this is very intrusive. Once the relationship is established, then I'd like to know more details, but, unless the person shows something weird, I really don't care about past relationships or past practices.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> Honesty is important.
> 
> I don't need to know absolutely everything about a potential partner. I think this is very intrusive. Once the relationship is established, then I'd like to know more details, but, unless the person shows something weird, I really don't care about past relationships or past practices.


You mean you don't want to see a log of all the sites he has visited and how many times he masturbated, lol?

I see no reason to even mention the porn use to a future partner. At this point in time it is pretty much assumed that a guys has looked at porn and probably masturbated to porn. If you have stopped using porn then why even bring it up?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

jonty30 said:


> Masturbation can create unrealistic internal responses to sexual stimulation with your partner and should be refrained from, as much as possible.
> I'm not saying to never masturbate, but your time should be spent with your partner.


Well, there are differing views on the way this is worded, and the statement refrained from doing as much as possible....creates a negative guilt condition that should not be assumed. 
That's not healthy.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Well, there are differing views on the way this is worded, and the statement refrained from doing as much as possible....creates a negative guilt condition that should not be assumed.
> That's not healthy.


I'm not suggesting guilt. I'm suggesting using one's time in the best way.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

With your mindset, before even thinking about dating, I would seek therapy. You seem a very troubled person to me.


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