# Trying to rebuild



## solie (Sep 15, 2009)

I was the cheater. It all seems like a bad dream now, one that we wish we could erase from our lives. Basically my story is an old, old friendship, just friends, turned into an unplanned affair. The XW found out, my H and most of our friends. They divorced and after several horrible months later, my H and I did. I moved out early in the discovery and a few months later the affair began to cool off and eventually he would not contact me at all. I had no idea why other than all the drama from so many people involved. I was heart broken, we were truly in love. Between this and all the drama I was just about insane. It has taken me a long time to get past what happened with the A. So believe me when I say - it's just not worth it. All the pain an affair causes to so many people is just not worth it.

We were married 25+ years and there were many ups and downs like a lot of marriages. Relationships take work on both sides and I felt like I was doing all the work. Anyway shortly after the D, I knew I still loved my H and was so sick over what all this had done to him, us and our families, (all my fault), I agreed to go back. I was assured this was going to be put behind us, not thrown in my face, move forward and build a life that was better than before until someone walked in and tore it apart. It has been 7 months. We have only had 2 discussions about our feelings. I realize there are feelings we both are going to have that are not talked about but we have always had difficulties communicating, I hate confrontation and he gets just plain angry and ends up blaming himself. Well, he has handled the situation extremly well since I've been back. He completely trust me, believes in me and wants us to stay together and get past this and we both know it will take time. Last night he finally confesses to me during an argument, he has had so much ripped from his life, emotionally and financially that he is literally a different person and is not sure he can get past all the hurt I caused him, the hurt one person can cause another. I explained to him, I love him and never stopped, I literally got caught up in something that I should have stopped. He feels like he has no security in his life. He wants to re-marry but I don't think it's a good idea right away. He has issues with my family being there for me and says he now knows how they feel about him. They know he was hard to live with in the past and was controlling at times. His family is very disfunctional and never socializes. I told him if we were going to make it, he was going to have to get past the issues with my family, that they weren't going away. I don't think signing a piece of paper saying we are married is going to make all the issues dissapear. It's going to take time for both of us and we should make our life as happy as we can. I am and have been committed to doing that. Am I wrong to wait to re-marry? I love him so much but I know this is never really going to go away.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think you are right. But why doesn't your family come before him in your life?


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## solie (Sep 15, 2009)

My family doesn't come first, my husband and daughter always have. When my parents were sick, my family knew he gave me grief about helping out, where were the others, when are we going to eat....etc. My parents knew I was always torn. I don't see my family except about once a month now, everyones busy lives, etc.

In retrospect, I wished I had talked to him before the A got so involved. I knew there would be hugh ordeal and I had the problem, not him, I always reassested my life, etc.... The A was a euphoric feeling of happiness. I fell so in love I literally could not sleep at night. It was ridiculous and childish. My (x) H would never understand what I felt for this man. I told him I had strong feelings for this man and that he told me he loved me all the time, and I know, he did. But in the end, I'm better off without him in my life. Issues, just like everyone... lol

A few months after I left, after 25 years, my H admitted his past anger problems were due to his first wife, she had an affair while he was working out of town and eventually they divorced and she moved to another state. It all made sense so many years later.

He says that he trust me or he would not want to be back together but I don't trust him if I don't believe that things/he will be different. He loves me, unconditionally and almost obsessively at times. Oh yes, I'm waiting to re-marry.

I know I will have to pick my times for discussions and he will too. Thank you for your advice.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I'd be even more wary that he says he forgives you and can get past this after you did exactly what scarred him so deeply.

And someone who loves obsessively doesn't love. This is about them and not you. So I'd be wary of that as well.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Although I don't agree with the infidelity in your marriage, I understand that we sometimes make bad choices in life. It might not be easy, and it may not even work out, but if you truly love someone it doesn't hurt to at least try to resolve the issues and take it day by day. If it works out, it may be well worth the effort.

I wish you the best!

FZ1


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Your husband should not take you back, here is why...

"I told him if we were going to make it, he was going to have to get past the issues with my family, that they weren't going away.." You are the one who committed the affair, why are you dictating the terms? How about his terms, how about what you did to him. What are you going to do to make up for this?

I'm sorry to be so blunt but if you came here looking for sympathy your not going to get it from me. I've been in your H's shoes except no one found out about it. Not only did you rip apart your family, you hurt someone else too. 

If you are truly sorry, then you would do anything to fix this and make him happy instead you start off saying what he needs to do. Perhaps you two are truly better off apart. 

I also have to tell you that after this happens when someone you love so much does this to you, you do not love them they way you did before. Can it be rebuilt? Sure, if both parties are committed to doing that and I didn't read one thing in there about what you are trying to do to make it right.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

AZ, I think she is looking after both their happiness by trying not to rush into reuniting. We don't know what they did to work things out but he's said he has forgiven her. She's the one who isn't sure he's ready. She wants HIM to be sure for both of them. Further, she is very aware of some of the issues which drove her infidelity and requires them to be addressed or she knows that the renewed marriage is just going to fail though probably not through infidelity (I'm sure she's learned her lesson.)

I understand how angry you are about someone who cheats. But this situation isn't your situation. This woman's husband has taken her back. She's trying to sort out the next step as he wants to remarry, perhaps thinking it will provide him security, when she knows that it will not. They need to deal with other things first.


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