# Separation and Financial Responsibility



## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

So I'm already kicking myself that I didn't do this long ago, I can't turn back time, so please let's not dwell on what I should have done. 

Now that my husband and I are separating, and he's left the house, he seems to think he shouldn't be responsible for most of the household finances. I made a spreadsheet of each of our current planned bills (house, car insurance, utilities, daycare, medical insurance for child, etc). It works out to over 1600 from me, and over 700 from him. This has been going on like this for years. He usually pays for groceries, and for eating out. I don't think he's bought diapers in a year. I usually pay for doctor's visits for our daughter. 
We make similar money, I make maybe a few more thou a year than him, not much more. 
I did share the spreadsheet with him, and he balked.

So now, I wasn't even asking him for more, I just wanted him to continue paying what he was already paying until we get into divorce proceedings. He's expressed to me that he wants to pay for food and clothes for our daughter and that's it. This is nuts, right? 

I was really hoping that we'd be able to work together on this stuff for the moment until we were very decided on needing to get the lawyers involved (to save us money). Any thoughts on what I can tell him/share with him to get him to not dump all financial responsibilities on me? 

Other circumstance details - he is currently staying with a friend (2 months), he only visits our daughter in our home where she and I are living.


----------



## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

He should of paid half of everything when you were living together but I can't see why would he pay for housing he no longer lives in and car he no longer uses. Everyone pays for their own housing and kid gets to live and visit both, unless you have a full custody. 

Am I wrong? You must be living in a very expensive area, that sounds a lot for a month to month expenses.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you seen a lawyer? You need to.

Until the divorce is final bills and income is split 50/50. if one person pays child support, it comes out of their discretionary funds.

You need to see a lawyer and get some kind of temp financial agreement in place.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

This is going to be harsh, so get ready--okay?

It may not be "right" or "fair" but he can be a jerk and pay nothing until a judge forces him to do so. AND even when a judge orders him to pay for "arrears" he'll have a 12-month payment plan to pay it back. So it SUXROX and is absolutely unfair...but it's reality. 

I would say if he is anywhere near reasonable, you can tell him that he can either: 

a) work with you on this and write up a co-petitioner legal separation that protects you and does provide financially according to the laws of your state

OR

b) you will immediately file for a divorce and ask for a fast temporary order hearing so that the court will say "until the divorce trial, he will live HERE, she will live THERE, and he will pay this much child support." 

Then he can pick if how he wants it to go down and how he wants to behave. 

Also, I would suggest that right away, you READ what the divorce laws are in your state: State Divorce Laws - Divorce Source Knowledge is protection, and once you read the laws that will apply to you, you'll be able to estimate pretty accurately using your state's CS calculator.


----------



## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

Affaircare said:


> This is going to be harsh, so get ready--okay?
> 
> It may not be "right" or "fair" but he can be a jerk and pay nothing until a judge forces him to do so. AND even when a judge orders him to pay for "arrears" he'll have a 12-month payment plan to pay it back. So it SUXROX and is absolutely unfair...but it's reality.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for this - the CS itself is not very much, but I'm going to ask him to pay his share that he's already been paying (I mean, clearly I've been getting screwed financially for years and didn't really realize, since we were married and it was "our" money, right?). That's for the time being while we work everything else out. I make very slightly more than him, but pay out so much more. This does really suck.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I live and got divorced in CA. So, with that in mind:

1) Getting screwed over in the marriage does not impact the divorce. I had the same thing happen (mismatched lifestyles, bills split disproportionately to income). It sucks, but no one is going to comb through the marriage unless you show deceit.

Aiming for retribution is just going to cloud your judgment and leave you disappointed.

2) If you make similar money and have similar custody shares, your support will be minimal. Getting a substantially unequal custody share will be difficult unless he agrees to it.

3) Living in the family home may have financial implications. You are using something that is half his for your sole benefit. If you pay the mortgage (and put any other money into the property), you are paying his half also and the two would offset (at least partially). But if you want him to pay for something he is not using, you might have to settle up later.

You need to get good legal help. You and him are free to negotiate whatever agreement you want, but you need to know what you likely can get vs. what you would like to get.

My advice is if you don't intend to keep the home post-divorce, consider renting it out or selling it and splitting the proceeds.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

badaboom said:


> So I'm already kicking myself that I didn't do this long ago, I can't turn back time, so please let's not dwell on what I should have done.
> 
> Now that my husband and I are separating, and he's left the house, he seems to think he shouldn't be responsible for most of the household finances. I made a spreadsheet of each of our current planned bills (house, car insurance, utilities, daycare, medical insurance for child, etc). It works out to over 1600 from me, and over 700 from him. This has been going on like this for years. He usually pays for groceries, and for eating out. I don't think he's bought diapers in a year. I usually pay for doctor's visits for our daughter.
> We make similar money, I make maybe a few more thou a year than him, not much more.
> ...


How you divided finances prior to separation doesn't really affect how you live after separation. You are now two separate financial entities. He pays for his housing, you pay for yours. You pay insurance and gas for your car, he pays for his. You pay for your food, he pays for his. You pay your phone bill, he pays his.

The fact that you have the marital home and he is staying with a friend means that your expenses are much greater than his, sure, but that's a temporary choice. He is no longer responsible for your living expenses in the house. If you can't carry the house on your own, sell it.

If you have similar incomes, spousal support (alimony) is not relevant.

Since the child is not living equally with him, he does owe you child support for her, based on his income. You can probably look up his amount on some government table, depending on where you life. This covers his share of her regular expenses, such as food, clothing and shelter. Unusual things like medical bills and expensive activities should be shared on top of CS.

I'd get him to give you his housekey though, since he no longer lives there. And he should spend his time with with the daughter somewhere else. It's invasive of him to use your home. He can take the money he's saving in not paying for your housing and use it to rent a place of his own.


----------



## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

sargon said:


> Depending on the laws of your state he may or may not be liable for spousal support but he most definitely will be responsible for child support usually based on a formula that looks at his income.
> 
> So do a search on child support and spousal support laws of your state, or post your state here and we can probably help you out.
> 
> ...


I did talk to a lawyer about it. It's either I ask him for an amount and he agrees, or it'll be contingent on what the custody arrangement ends up being if we can't work it out between ourselves first. Either way, I won't be selling my house in the next year or so (no houses are selling in our neighborhood), so I'll just have to deal however I can.


----------



## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

OP...when couples split, usually the house will be sold, unless one party buys out the other. Make a note of when he moved out, and once the house is sold and equity is divided, he gets less and the same goes for car payment.

If you are finding that you can't keep up the payment, get a tenant or rent the house out till everything is sorted out.


----------



## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

So I have a new question - my husband just informed me that he's planning to buy a house. We are in VA. Our current home is in my name only and I just don't remember what all I had to provide for the morgage in terms of financials. Since we're still married, won't I be on the hook for the debt of his new mortgage? We don't have a financial legal separation doc yet. If he's serious about buying, I will be getting the legal separation ASAP. 

I cannot believe he's looking at buying a house without knowing what he's legally required to provide to me in terms of financial support. I really think he's still in "I can do what I want" la-la land. Says he hasn't even found a lawyer yet.


----------



## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

None of us can tell you for sure if you'll be on the hook for hAlf of his new house. You desperately need to consult with a lawyer. He's exhibiting very reckless financial behavior.


----------



## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

dignityhonorpride said:


> None of us can tell you for sure if you'll be on the hook for hAlf of his new house. You desperately need to consult with a lawyer. He's exhibiting very reckless financial behavior.


I spoke with a lawyer in the interim until I can see one of the two I'm considering to represent me. He assuaged a lot of my concerns, said that I don't need to worry about what my husband is doing right now, that I'm handling things fine and even if he buys a house, I'll be ok. 

This mess is going to be fun. But at least I got my husband to finally agree to actually giving me money. I have no idea if it's enough, but it's better than the nothing he was giving me.


----------

