# My husbands long time friend is in love with him...



## MrsGriff (Aug 25, 2013)

My husband has been a part of the same group of people since Middle School (They're all turning 30 this year). An "incestuous" group of friends. Every body has dated/slept with everybody else's ex's and what not. Anyway so there's one particularly annoying friend, we'll call her Trixi. Now Trixi has slept with every man in the group, including my husband. Now this was years ago, in high school and I've accepted that my husband has slept with other women that's not an issue for me. Trixi is now married to my husbands best friend, well call him, Kurby. Trixi has 3 kids by Kurby, the house with the picket fence, they both have cozy jobs... everything seems hunky dory from the outside. Whenever Trixi gets drunk, she calls or texts my husband to cry her problems. When she feels like my husband hasn't talked to her enough she sends him whiny texts accompanied by old pictures she's kept of them. Another thing I've learned to accept because "That's just Trixi, she gets like that". Well recently she's also taken to telling other female members of our "group" that she's in love with my husband and he should have married her, and that ever having Kids with Kurby was a mistake, That my son should be hers, etc...... At this point I'm allowed to be bothered right? I know my husband loves me, and I'm not worried about him cheating, but knowing she's in love with him and dealing with her in a social setting on a constant basis really bothers me. How should I handle this situation?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Tell her to get the flick out of your territory and tell the H that your boundaries are complete no contact with her. Why are you allowing him to "hang out" with a woman he has slept with in the past and has a history with? None of those "friends" of his a good for your marriage.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, I agree with CantePe. Seriously. If your husband tries to defend her...really look at who he is. Seriously...if he doesn't see this as boundary stepping, I'd be very worried.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And that's creepy about your son. I'd not let her around the kids. Ever. Psycho.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The Trixi texts must stop, and I would seriously consider dropping both her and her H as friends. It's not healthy for any marriage, IMO, to have ex lovers as close friends. Trixi's lack of boundaries regarding your H and her behaviour is proof of that.


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## MrsGriff (Aug 25, 2013)

I really don't know how I can tell my husband he can't hang out with his best friend because his wife is a nut job. And his other friends are fine, they're the only reason I know all the information I do.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

"You can't hang out with your best friend because his wife is a nutjob" about sums it up.

If he chooses them over your feelings, then you have your answers.

If my best friend's husband was in love with me and it bothered my husband, I'd be done. End of story. Hard, yes. But....what does it tell your spouse if you put a FRIEND'S feelings over your mate's? That's some shetty times.

Maybe you don't address this because you are scared of the response, because you know it won't be for you? I dunno.

You are his WIFE. Speak up.


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

Umm.. if his friends are telling you this and they are her friends too, have you considered that there might be more to the story. In my experience it takes a lot to make anyone step in and say something to someone else's wife or husband. I'm sorry but they are already having a type of emotional affair. To be blunt about it. It obviously sounds as if her marriage is going through a rough spot and she is seeking comfort. solace in the fantasy of what it might have been like with your husband. We've all done it if our marriage has had a rough point. We think about our exes and what it might have been like with them. I don't talk to or have seen any of my exes in years though. Because they are close still there is a real possibility of an affair. It also sounds like she has taken this "fantasy" too far. And she is emotionally relying on your husband where she should be going to counseling with her own husband to work things out. I don't know if you live in a small town or what, but I think that you should tell your husband that you think she does have a "thing" for him beyone friends and that it is her problem. (Telling a man that he might be doing something that offends you never works) Get him to be on your side against her. Tell him that you think this "thing" she has for him is really starting to build up in her and that by him keeping in contact with her, etc. that he is like leading her on (be sure to say that you understand how she has this thing for him since he is so cute and nice, etc. Flatter will get you everywhere with a man's ego) Tell him that you would hate it if her husband got the wrong idea and what would everyone say? That she is making HIM look bad. Tell him she is trying to cause troblue with her husabdn and him, etc. whatever. Maybe don't go over the top against her. Maybe just say that he needs to let her down easy and tell her that he values her as a friend but the comments about them being together, etc. are starting to make him and his wofe feel uncomfortable. If she is any kind of good, she will sympathize, maybe be alittle embarrassed and apologize. If she gets offended or keeps doing it after he tells her. Then she is a nut job and you need to lay down the law and not let her around. Also you might want to talk to her- maybe not confront her- but get closer to her and find out what is going on with her marriage and try to get her help. Getting closer to her will also make ot harder for them if there is anything going on. Okay that just all came out. Good luck let me know what happens!


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

Your husband needs to cut it off with Trixi and simply not see her again, at least if you aren't there. He should not be texting her or talking to her privately ever, unless his friend (her husband) is like dying or something.

This woman has way overstepped boundaries.

He needs to tell Trixi "I am married and so are you and this is just not appropriate or acceptable."

You need to stop saying "that's just Trixi" and start saying "this is not OK and I won't stand for it."

This is how affiars start...especially if there was something there in the past. I am not saying your husband is cheating on you or will cheat on you. I don't know him or you. I am just saying, you gotta watch out and nip it in the bud before it even starts to become an issue.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would directly tell her to knock it off. It's disrespectful of you and you don't have to tolerate it. Just because they've all been friends since the dawn of time doesn't make you chopped liver.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea the whole "friends forever since middle school" would have been a huge red flag for me. lol. But yea, confront her yourself. Don't worry about your man's reaction. I have a feeling he'll be upset...and then you can go from there.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Tell you husband to stop communication with Trixi and explain your concerns to him. A woman who wants you kids to be hers is dangerous and mad. Unless you are part of this blended incestuous relationship, and you think your husband will not listen to you, otherwise I would ask him to stop talking to that woman and stop texting her. Or tell her husband too, if you think he can care.


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## kezins (Aug 25, 2013)

I'd do whatever I could to keep her away from your family especially after the son comment. People that say stuff like that aren't stable individuals.


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## MrsGriff (Aug 25, 2013)

venuslove said:


> Umm.. if his friends are telling you this and they are her friends too,


The friends that told me this are two ladies that like me joined the "group" after high school, they're both committed to guys that have also slept with Trixi. They were all out for a birthday while my family was on vacation, Trixi got really drunk and confessed this all to them on the patio of the bar they were drinking in. They were sweet enough to get some of it recorded.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Why don't treat this like the bona fide EA that it is and tell Trixi's husband about this as well.

Trixi loves your husband and now saying that she should have married him. Kurby should know about this.

I am curious about the dynamics of this group. why is Trixi particularly keen about your husband when she has slept with all the guys in the group? How well have you been accepted into this group? Do you ever directly make plans with some of the women one on one? OR do you only see them when the group is together?

Perhaps talking this out might give us more clues to work with.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Before you cost your husband his group of friends, ask him to deal with the situation, making sure he knows you're unhappy and uncomfortable. Perhaps he can talk to his best friend, to be sure he knows his wife is being very inappropriate, and may even need psychiatric counseling - and that they may need marriage counseling. Have him block her texts and calls, and do his best to avoid her in social situations. If she persists, have him publicly - in front of his friends - tell her to stop harassing him and stop the nonsense comments.

It can be very difficult for men to find and keep good friends. Ruin his legitimate friendships - aside from Trixi - and you may well create an even bigger problem. Since you trust your husband, trust him to deal with this, and see how that works first. Perhaps he can show the texts or whatever to her husband - if he's such a good friend, he'll understand your husband trying to help him protect his own marriage.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> *Before you cost your husband his group of friends, ask him to deal with the situation*, making sure he knows you're unhappy and uncomfortable. Perhaps he can talk to his best friend, to be sure he knows his wife is being very inappropriate, and may even need psychiatric counseling - and that they may need marriage counseling. Have him block her texts and calls, and do his best to avoid her in social situations. If she persists, have him publicly - in front of his friends - tell her to stop harassing him and stop the nonsense comments.
> 
> It can be very difficult for men to find and keep good friends. Ruin his legitimate friendships - aside from Trixi - and you may well create an even bigger problem. Since you trust your husband, trust him to deal with this, and see how that works first. Perhaps he can show the texts or whatever to her husband - if he's such a good friend, he'll understand your husband trying to help him protect his own marriage.


I disagree. the husband is already making excuses for Trixi, so obviously the OP has already mentioned her unacceptable behavior.

Two, it sounds as if the OP's social life is dominated by this group, that means or should mean, in any case, that she has standing in this circle of friends by now. If Trixi is comfortable calling /texting /drunk texting the OP's husband, then what is the problem with OP contacting and having a word with Kurby.

And that remark that Trixi made about the son, I would get that on record in various places. You just don't know what could happen.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hopefully her husband will do that.

I'm thinking he won't. But that's just me being sinister...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I've been through this before with my exH.

If he hasn't already done something about it, he won't. 

And even worse, he may up his contact with Trixi just to show the OP who's boss. The husband already sounds passive aggressive.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

MrsGriff said:


> I really don't know how I can tell my husband he can't hang out with his best friend because his wife is a nut job. And his other friends are fine, they're the only reason I know all the information I do.



On TAM, it's too easy for the commenters here to say _"he needs to dump his friends"_. I hear this same advice constantly on this site.

In another thread here, there were a lot of husbands and wives on TAM who claimed they don't really have any friends at all except for their spouse. That's not healthy, but unfortunately, that's some of the type of people who are giving you advice here. 

Since Trixi and Kurby are part of the same group of friends, the only way for the husband to avoid them is to dump all his friends. And for what? She hasn't really done anything wrong. She's admitted she's in love with your husband, and that's all (and this information was passed on second hand). *Asking your husband to stop texting Trixi is a reasonable request, but asking him to dump all his friends is not.*

If you have evidence that your husband is cheating, that is different. But other than that, I would tread carefully. Look, you won, and Trixi "lost". Your husband chose you. Think of it this way: if your husband is a great guy, then doesn't it stand to reason that some other women would want him to? You can't shield him from every woman in the world.


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

Theseus said:


> On TAM, it's too easy for the commenters here to say _"he needs to dump his friends"_. I hear this same advice constantly on this site.
> 
> In another thread here, there were a lot of husbands and wives on TAM who claimed they don't really have any friends at all except for their spouse. That's not healthy, but unfortunately, that's some of the type of people who are giving you advice here.
> 
> ...


I disagree. Marriage before friends ALWAYS. Your husband or wife should be the number 1 person in your life hands down.

In this case, I don't think it will come to dumping all the friends though. All the OP's husband has to do is stop communicating directly with Trixi. No more calls, no more texts. No hanging out with Trixi alone if he does that (not sure if he does). No hugging Trixi. No hanging out with the group without his wife if Trixi is there.


And he has to tell Trixi directly and clearly "this is not ok and we aren't doing this anymore. I love my wife and that's final." 

OP: Your feelings are more than legitimate and should matter far more than Trixi's or any other friend's. If you aren't number 1, there's a HUGE problem here.

Don't wait around for evidence that he's cheating or that Trixi crossed the line physically (ie forcing a kiss on your husband, touching him, etc). Act now. She has already gone WAY too far in my opinion. Don't let her get any further. 

If your husband won't talk to her, you need to.

An old friend of my husband's sent naked pictures of herself to him with messages about how much she wanted him. He tried to be "nice" and told her he was with someone (this was before we were married) and not interested but she persisted. I then called her up and told her she was way too old to be sending naked pictures online, that my then-boyfriend wasn't interested in her flat chest anyway when he had a girl with REAL curves, and if she sent another one I'd put it up on a porn site along with her full name. She apologized to me and never bothered us again.

I'm not normally a mean person or vain like I sounded to her, but if someone threatens my relationship, I have no problem being a jerk.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

MrsGriff, you don't have to be Dr. Phil to see that this woman, Trixi is a NUTJOB and you husband continuing to interact with her only encourages her actions.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

hookares said:


> MrsGriff, you don't have to be Dr. Phil to see that this woman, Trixi is a NUTJOB and you husband continuing to interact with her only encourages her actions.


Pretty easy to second that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Hanging out with people that your spouse have slept with seem awkward to me. I guess in some cases it might be unavoidable but I don't think I could do it. 

Am I the only one who feel that way?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Hanging out with people that your spouse have slept with seem awkward to me. I guess in some cases it might be unavoidable but I don't think I could do it.
> 
> Am I the only one who feel that way?


This has never bothered me or my wife. She was sharing a leased house with an ex-bf when we met, and did so for another year. He was an interesting guy and not a problem. I have stayed close friends with some exes, and we socialize with them. We have chosen each other over the exes, so they aren't an issue. Some of my exes and my wife have even become very good friends. Of course, if anyone stopped respecting boundaries or our relationship, we'd stop seeing them if it couldn't be resolved acceptably.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It sounds like other women in the group have your back.

Maybe Trixie is the one that needs to isolated from the group, and must especially your husband. So don't ditch everyone, but your husband should stop returning her texts etc, basically go cold on her.

He's gotta choose who his priority is: his wife or the nut job.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Hanging out with people that your spouse have slept with seem awkward to me. I guess in some cases it might be unavoidable but I don't think I could do it.
> 
> Am I the only one who feel that way?


I certainly couldn't deal with it. But my wife is the exact opposite. She is practically best friends with one of my exes. It actually is a little annoying to me because I would prefer that she not be in my life anymore. lsn't that the point of dumping someone? 

Oh well, we're all different I guess. To my ex's credit she has been a very good friend to my wife so I leave it alone.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> Hanging out with people that your spouse have slept with seem awkward to me. I guess in some cases it might be unavoidable but I don't think I could do it.
> 
> Am I the only one who feel that way?


I can deal with it. Whether the woman who wants to friend my husband is an ex or not, I will be judging her behavior towards the both of us and that will be the decider.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Natalie789 said:


> I disagree. Marriage before friends ALWAYS. Your husband or wife should be the number 1 person in your life hands down.


Then you are not disagreeing with me. I also believe a spouse always comes before a friend. However, a spouse shouldn't come before *ALL* friends in the sense that if you can't have any outside friendships because of your spouse then that's not a healthy relationship. In this case, the OP's husband could find new friends, but that's not entirely fair or realistic. He's certainly not going to find a new group of friends that's he's known since childhood.



> In this case, I don't think it will come to dumping all the friends though. All the OP's husband has to do is stop communicating directly with Trixi. No more calls, no more texts. No hanging out with Trixi alone if he does that (not sure if he does). No hugging Trixi. No hanging out with the group without his wife if Trixi is there.


Absolutely. Once again, I'm not sure why you think you are disagreeing with me.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

He should stop hanging out with her. If he does not see that her behavior is unacceptable and if he does not see that its best to stop hanging out with her than he is delusional and likely into her to some extent. 

He should not defend her behavior


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

MrsGriff said:


> Whenever Trixi gets drunk, she calls or texts my husband to cry her problems. When she feels like my husband hasn't talked to her enough she sends him whiny texts accompanied by old pictures she's kept of them. Another thing I've learned to accept because "That's just Trixi, she gets like that".


You should not just be accepting this. This is a problem. Your husband has to tell her to stop bothering him, ever, and he must start coming to you, AND telling his best friend, when she does these things.



MrsGriff said:


> Well recently she's also taken to telling other female members of our "group" that she's in love with my husband and he should have married her, and that ever having Kids with Kurby was a mistake, That my son should be hers, etc...... At this point I'm allowed to be bothered right?


Absolutely you should be bothered. Your husband needs to have a really good chat with his best friend and tell him that YOU are his wife and Trixi is HIS wife and that if Trixi continues to drink and blubber about such things perhaps she should quit drinking.

From now on, every communication between your husband and Trixi should also be communicated to both you and to Kurby. Everything. And your husband should NEVER allow himself to be alone with her, ESPECIALLY if either of them have been drinking.

I recommend the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Relationships like the one you are describing between your husband and Trixi never end well, unless there is intervention.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I would have a talk with Kurby about what Trixi is doin.

She is way out of line.

By the way, this kind of reminds me the movie, "The Romantics."


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