# Please help! My relationship is falling apart.



## Elis (Nov 25, 2011)

Hi,
My husband has big problem…
During sex he wants to look at me in order to ejaculate. He once told me that before marrying me he was addicted to pornography but since becoming a christian he has stopped looking at porn.
The thing is that I now feel that I have become his substitution for porn. He says that he loves looking at me and that brings him great satisfaction. 
I feel disgusted by this and don’t want to show myself to him anymore. 
He is able to perform normal sex and he even loves giving me oral sex. But none of this matters for me anymore. I don’t want to have sex with him because I can’t stand him looking at me. 
He says that I’m wrong and that men are aroused through their eyes. He says that this is hurting him badly because he doesn’t want to look at other women or think about other women (because he is a christian). 
I feel like I have married a person with sexual problems and that he doesn’t even know it.
For example: Once I agreed to use my hands in order for him to have an ejaculation but he said that he also wanted to look at me otherwise he must fantasize and he doesn’t want to do that.
I can’t stand his sexual problems and don’t really know what to do. He is a great and loving husband but this issue is destroying our marriage.
Please help…


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Men are visually stimulated and for him to look at you is a need he has which is very normal and healthy. The fact that he is not viewing porn in order to fulfill this need is a blessing for you. Try wearing sexy lingerie for him to look at you in, perhaps that will leave you feeling less exposed than being naked with him. I would strongly recommend counseling though because to not want your husband to look at you sounds as if you may have some sexual issues that need to be worked out.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Elis said:


> ...During sex he wants to look at me in order to ejaculate.
> 
> ...He says that he loves looking at me and that brings him great satisfaction.


Male arousal is typically visual and anatomical. --Sometimes exclusively so.




Elis said:


> He says that I’m wrong and that men are aroused through their eyes.


He's correct.

It sounds like your husband really likes the way you look. It sounds like he doesn't want to look at any other woman except you.

Maybe I've misunderstood you entirely because I'm having a difficult time understanding why this would be objectionable.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

The lights have to be one for my fiance. It's not about an addiction, it's about enjoying you. I would try hard to seperate the two because I would really see it more as a compliment than anything  Sounds like he's really into you.


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

I have to agree! I prefer to look at my hubby during sexual acts and he prefers to look at me. Without going into too much detail if I'm facing away from him, he'll always tell me to turn my head so that he can see my face. Being able to look right into your partners eyes during sex can make it even more intense. I'm fine with it, but if it's staring into each other's eyes for like 10 minutes that'd probably creep me out some. But there's nothing wrong with looking at each other. To me it sounds like you're a little self-concious about what he's seeing. 

Men do get excited by the visual while women tend to prefer the emotional connection, not saying that my hubby naked doesn't excite me, it does, but I need that emotional connection as well. 

Sexual encounters for me are as much about the emotional connection as they are the physical one. I'd be offended if my hubby didn't want to look at me during them, because then I'd wonder who he was picturing? To me it sounds like he's made the changes and stepped away from porn and now he wants to focus on the relationship between you two and you're still stuck on the whole porn thing and prohibiting things moving forward.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I think the OP is projecting her own "sexual problems" onto her spouse.

If this is a sexual dysfunction, I must be extremely dysfunctional...Actually, maybe both Hubby and I are dysfunctional then...

I just don't get why looking at someone should cause so much issues...


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