# Fiance acts not involved



## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

Me and my fiance are in LDR for over 3 years now. My concern is he is not initiating phone/video calls with me unless I mention I want to chat. I don't do it very often so I am certainly not pestering him with this. He said he is not a phone person and does not like talking over the phone or Skype, and only does when he has to. We do however text each other all day, and let each other know whats happening. 

Before I thought it is okay, after all this is how he is, and I am not trying to completely change him, but after or engagement I was expecting him to be closer with me and be more involved in my life and our plans in general, we could discuss things we need to take care of, some marriage arrangements or mere plans and etc. which is hard because we are in different countries and time zones. So, I don't know if he is just being rational and chill because the wedding is several months away, and if I am being overly worried and too excited that I want to talk about it every day or what :| 

I have brought it up several times and never leads to a solution cause after a few months I find myself being the one who is calling. 
Any advise on why/how to act? Am I overthinking or is it something normal?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Disaster waiting to happen. Train wreck.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Men, in general, do not like to talk more than a few minutes. Men are not into small talk.
The few that 'are' are often bores or chatterboxes.

Most women want a man that communicates (so they say) but tire of a male chatterbox. 
There seems to be no happy medium.

That said, I suspect when you first started dating he talked your ear off.
Then, after a few months, maybe a year, the relationship went from hot to warm.

Not unusual, but not where you want it to be. He is comfortable with you. Confident in you.

But, he is not hanging on your every word, likely that is not going to happen.

Let him know how you feel, do so, say so, without giving the appearance of nagging.

Good Luck!

Accept this situation.
Or, evaluate your own love.


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Men, in general, do not like to talk more than a few minutes. Men are not into small talk.
> The few that 'are' are often bores or chatterboxes.
> 
> Most women want a man that communicates (so they say) but tire of a male chatterbox.
> ...


Thank you! To be honest I do not like chatterboxes, and he was never like that. We did not start our relationship on distance, so it was different- we were meeting and talking in person. He was always like this, like I said I thought maybe after we got engaged and are more than just a bf and gf, I would expect more attention and especially when we have things to discuss, also because our case right now - we are not even sure when we can meet next... Maybe it is just me being excited, and he is not so much.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

How often do you visit each other? How much time do you spend with each other when you do?

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

Lila said:


> How often do you visit each other? How much time do you spend with each other when you do?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


We used to visit every 2-3 months, depending on the location it would range from 4 days to 4 weeks. We don't have any communication issues when we are together. But apart- it is me waiting him to call or to invite for a video all because he misses my face, but not.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think you need to postpone the wedding until you two get in a situation where you can spend time together, and I mean in each others physical presence. You may have started off the relationship in person but that's means nothing at this point, lots can change after three years. And short visits are not the same as day to day interaction.

One other bit of advise. People are who they are, if you expect change, if you expect them to act how you want, if you expect them to read your mind you will always end up disappointed.


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> Disaster waiting to happen. Train wreck.


what does that mean?


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

Cooper said:


> I think you need to postpone the wedding until you two get in a situation where you can spend time together, and I mean in each others physical presence. You may have started off the relationship in person but that's means nothing at this point, lots can change after three years. And short visits are not the same as day to day interaction.
> 
> One other bit of advise. People are who they are, if you expect change, if you expect them to act how you want, if you expect them to read your mind you will always end up disappointed.


There is no way for us to psychically live together, unfortunately, we did when we lived int he same country.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Aliya17 said:


> Me and my fiance are in LDR for over 3 years now. My concern is he is not initiating phone/video calls with me unless I mention I want to chat. I don't do it very often so I am certainly not pestering him with this. He said he is not a phone person and does not like talking over the phone or Skype, and only does when he has to. We do however text each other all day, and let each other know whats happening.
> 
> Before I thought it is okay, after all this is how he is, and I am not trying to completely change him, but after or engagement I was expecting him to be closer with me and be more involved in my life and our plans in general, we could discuss things we need to take care of, some marriage arrangements or mere plans and etc. which is hard because we are in different countries and time zones. So, I don't know if he is just being rational and chill because the wedding is several months away, and if I am being overly worried and too excited that I want to talk about it every day or what :|
> 
> ...


Your *Fiance* might have a busy routine and/or he is not much into online chatting mediums. He openly conveyed to you that he is not into smartphones otherwise *Whatsapp* is a convenient online communication channel.

Another thing is to take 'small breaks' in communication; men are not very chatty on average. Since you two remain in touch with each other via texting on a daily basis, isn't this good enough?

Don't come off as _needy_ and/or _nagging_ in your behavior. Men are likely to appreciate/admire a woman who can carry herself in most situations. Nevertheless, you can communicate your concerns/feelings to your *Fiance* and inform him that you would appreciate a call from him from time-to-time until your wedding.

I don't see anything alarming in your case.

Best of luck.


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Your *Fiance* might have a busy routine and/or he is not much into online chatting mediums. He openly conveyed to you that he is not into smartphones otherwise *Whatsapp* is a convenient online communication channel.
> 
> Another thing is to take 'small breaks' in communication; men are not very chatty on average. Since you two remain in touch with each other via texting on a daily basis, isn't this good enough?
> 
> ...


Thank you for your input. We do whatsapp every day, as much as the time difference allows us. Texting is great, but there is time you miss the voice? You miss the face and want to see each other, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting that when there is distance. 

Interesting, but i have friends that have Skype dates with their boyfriends almost every weekend, how do they not come of as needy, but I do?  And I don't even want it every weekend, this is too much even for me, I want once a month. And not necessarily a video call, can be a quick phone call. I don't agree that this can make a woman look needy.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I absolutely hate talking on the phone. If it last more than a few minutes, I get antsy and look for openings to end the call. I just rather talk in person.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Aliya17 said:


> Thank you for your input. We do whatsapp every day, as much as the time difference allows us. Texting is great, but there is time you miss the voice? You miss the face and want to see each other, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting that when there is distance.
> 
> Interesting, but i have friends that have Skype dates with their boyfriends almost every weekend, how do they not come of as needy, but I do?  And I don't even want it every weekend, this is too much even for me, I want once a month. And not necessarily a video call, can be a quick phone call. I don't agree that this can make a woman look needy.


You're welcome.

Your disclosures suggest that you really miss his company and you are in 'excitement phase' as the date of your wedding draw near (completely understandable). *Be patient* and let your Fiance know that you miss him and would love to receive his calls from time-to-time. 

In addition to expressing your feelings to him, you can have a discussion about his _likings_ and/or _topics of interest_. For example, if your Fiance is into cars - you can talk about cars with him. There is a good chance that he will respond better if you showcase some interest in the topics that excite him.

Cheers.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

My partner hates talking on the phone but still made the effort to skype when we were long distance. Not only does he hate talking, he's even more averse to texting (e.g. whatsapp). So much so that we often have to deal with his friends' sarcastic comments about him ignoring their messages for months when we run into them.

We were long distance for 3yrs and skyped almost every single day, often till the wee hours in the morning to the point that I almost screwed up on my grades. 

Nevertheless, this is what worked for us. This is what we were both happy with.

You need to first decide whether this is absolutely critical to you, or whether you're making an issue of it because you're comparing your situation to others/you think that's how things should be. Keep in mind that you may have to deal with this issue for however long you remain in a LDR.

If you decide it is critical then stand up for your needs and don't be afraid of coming across as petty/needy the next time you raise the issue. Then raise the issue through a serious discussion that ends with a plan agreed on by both of you to address the issue.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I absolutely hate talking on the phone. If it last more than a few minutes, I get antsy and look for openings to end the call. I just rather talk in person.


Same here, and I'm a female. I can't stand talking on the phone much. Especially if you text ALL day, yikes, too much for me.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Aliya17 said:


> Me and my fiance are in LDR for over 3 years now. My concern is he is not initiating phone/video calls with me unless I mention I want to chat. I don't do it very often so I am certainly not pestering him with this. He said he is not a phone person and does not like talking over the phone or Skype, and only does when he has to. We do however text each other all day, and let each other know whats happening.
> 
> Before I thought it is okay, after all this is how he is, and I am not trying to completely change him, but after or engagement I was expecting him to be closer with me and be more involved in my life and our plans in general, we could discuss things we need to take care of, some marriage arrangements or mere plans and etc. which is hard because we are in different countries and time zones. So, I don't know if he is just being rational and chill because the wedding is several months away, and if I am being overly worried and too excited that I want to talk about it every day or what :|
> 
> ...



I see a few red flags in this situation.

First, if you were okay with him being generally unresponsive or limiting interaction to texting while you were dating, why would you expect things to change while being engaged? Did you give him the courtesy of expressing this desired change in his behavior beforehand, or did you expect him to read your mind regarding this matter? 

Second, being engaged in a LTR is dangerous for the relationship. You both are only longing for each other's presence all the time, but I didn't see any evidence that you two spend long periods of time together. Have you spent more than a week together in a confined space like an apartment or hotel room? I ask because I'm sure that you both have habits that the other may not be aware of, that could aggravate each other. It's easier to get these things out in the open prior to a marriage rather than after to see what or what not may be a deal breaker...

Third, you seem to be expecting him to have the same level of energy regarding the wedding that you do. If this is true, expect to get frustrated. Big time. You've been thinking about your wedding day your whole life. He has never given it a second of thought until he bought the engagement ring, and then for only maybe 20 solid minutes since then. Out of that 20 minutes, 19.5 minutes was spent considering appetizers/open bar situation. It's not so much that we don't care about the details (although that is a factor), it's just that we, as men, know that if there is the slightest disagreement in opinion about the day itself, we are going to be wrong. Thus, the details themselves don't concern us. If they don't concern us, we don't like to waste time/energy talking about or considering them. It's just how our brains are wired... (get used to that in marriage too...)


PS: Men are simple creatures, so your best results will come if you simply play to our basic strengths and weaknesses. Being demanding or arguing head on about talking/Skyping won't solve anything. If you want him to reach out via Skype more often, surprise him by wearing a bikini the next time your do Skype together. Or lingerie... or less... My point is to add some more fun to it and keep it light. It doesn't have to turn into an argument or behavior control thing... 

Good luck!


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

Edo Edo said:


> I see a few red flags in this situation.
> 
> First, if you were okay with him being generally unresponsive or limiting interaction to texting while you were dating, why would you expect things to change while being engaged? Did you give him the courtesy of expressing this desired change in his behavior beforehand, or did you expect him to read your mind regarding this matter?
> 
> ...


Thank you for your ideas. I would not say we do not have a limited interaction, if I understood your point correctly- we have a plenty of interaction during the day every day, but it is via text messages and barely calling. That is my concern, other than that I don't think we don't communicate enough, I just prefer us to have other means of communication than just texting. 

We have spent more than 1 week together at his house, for several times that would last 3-4 weeks at a time, because I have a job and simply can't stay longer, same for him. Plus we lived together when he lived in my country 2 years ago. Being in a LDR is not our choice it is what we are forced to do right now because of circumstances. Getting engaged is the first step for us to end this distance and live a normal life.

I agree with you on the third, he is a man after all, I do not expect him to be excited for wedding stuff like a school girl, and he has been doing some research and we discussed he menu we want, guest list, venue ideas, and he had a big portion of input, so he is not completely out of it. What I meant is I thought we would be 'closer' in ways of communicating when we are 1 step closer to each other, and our status has changed.


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## Aliya17 (Apr 23, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> My partner hates talking on the phone but still made the effort to skype when we were long distance. Not only does he hate talking, he's even more averse to texting (e.g. whatsapp). So much so that we often have to deal with his friends' sarcastic comments about him ignoring their messages for months when we run into them.
> 
> *We were long distance for 3yrs and skyped almost every single day, *often till the wee hours in the morning to the point that I almost screwed up on my grades.
> 
> ...


Thank you Keke24, 
You brought up a good point, that does not bother me as much because I never liked long phone calls about nothing, not even when i was in high school haha. But when I do compare or hear my friends mention how often they talk, and ask me how we deal with distance and how many times a week do we Skype I realize that we don't and it just looks weird to them and makes me feel like something is wrong, when actually nothing is wrong.


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## johnnywalker (Apr 17, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Men, in general, do not like to talk more than a few minutes. Men are not into small talk.
> The few that 'are' are often bores or chatterboxes.
> 
> Most women want a man that communicates (so they say) but tire of a male chatterbox.
> ...


Completely agree!


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