# Open Letter to Betrayed Ex-Husband



## raven3321 (Sep 25, 2013)

I knew someone would do this one day but it's still amazing to see this in print. Apparently, a woman with stage 4 cancer writes an open letter to her ex-husband apologizing for cheating on him and destroying the marriage. Aside, from some blame-shifting in the piece, I thought it was nicely done:

An open letter from a divorcee Nina Joy whose affair destroyed her marriage | Daily Mail Online

Thoughts?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

raven3321 said:


> I knew someone would do this one day but it's still amazing to see this in print. Apparently, a woman with stage 4 cancer writes an open letter to her ex-husband apologizing for cheating on him and destroying the marriage. Aside, from some blame-shifting in the piece, I thought it was nicely done:
> 
> An open letter from a divorcee Nina Joy whose affair destroyed her marriage | Daily Mail Online
> 
> Thoughts?


I don't like her blame shifting at all.

And yes, her affair destroyed the marriage.

The cancer had nothing to do with it, but I'm glad she is in remission.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

michzz said:


> I don't like her blame shifting at all.
> 
> And yes, her affair destroyed the marriage.
> 
> The cancer had nothing to do with it, but I'm glad she is in remission.


Exactly total blame shifting.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Such a lovely letter deserves an equally eloquent response...

"Dearest Nina,

F*ck you.

Most Sincerely No-Longer-Yours,
Gary"


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

One of the comments...

"*And if she didn't have a book to sell, there would be zero apology. *How does this get on the Daily Mail website unless you know somebody who works there??"

Interesting thought.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I read it as self serving. This was an attempt to clear her conscience and nothing more.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The Daily Mail is good for that treacly stuff. God bless it.

A couple of years ago on TAM, someone started a thread wondering if he should see his ex wife who cheated on him before she died due to a disease.

Whatever floats your boat. I would be so afraid to see someone who rejected me, even under those conditions, because, well, they could reject me again....... even if she / he still had the time to write some sappy letter like that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I especially like this bit...

"John is a pseudonym."

Sooo... she went to the trouble of concealing the identity of her lover but couldn't be bothered to do the same for her BH?

Awesome.


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## raven3321 (Sep 25, 2013)

When I first read the post, I thought about comments I've seen here where the betrayed spouse wishes they had a public apology from the wandering spouse. So I guess my question is, would it be somewhat vindicating or cathartic to receive an "I'm sorry" from your ex?

Also, there is mentioned an incident when they ran into each other at a restaurant soon after they divorced. She said he "blanked her". Would one of our British friends please translate that for us yanks.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

raven3321 said:


> When I first read the post, I thought about comments I've seen here where the betrayed spouse wishes they had a public apology from the wandering spouse. So I guess my question is, would it be somewhat vindicating or cathartic to receive an "I'm sorry" from your ex?
> 
> Also, there is mentioned an incident when they ran into each other at a restaurant soon after they divorced. She said he "blanked her". Would one of our British friends please translate that for us yanks.


From an American who has lived in the UK for a few decades, to "blank" someone is to "diss" someone. Completely ignore them; see thorugh them, whatever......


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

raven3321 said:


> Also, there is mentioned an incident when they ran into each other at a restaurant soon after they divorced. She said he "blanked her". Would one of our British friends please translate that for us yanks.


According to this, it roughly translates as "to rudely ignore".


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

so we should tell her to go 'blank' herself. everyone else has...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

raven3321 said:


> When I first read the post, I thought about comments I've seen here where the betrayed spouse wishes they had a public apology from the wandering spouse. So I guess my question is, would it be somewhat vindicating or cathartic to receive an "I'm sorry" from your ex?
> 
> Also, there is mentioned an incident when they ran into each other at a restaurant soon after they divorced. She said he "blanked her". Would one of our British friends please translate that for us yanks.


A genuine apology that has no hint of "yes, but" or blame-shifting would be appreciated, yes.

But the supposedly open letter still hung onto excuses for her cheating. 

To me, "open" implies candor, not just widely distributed by a self-serving newspaper/online site.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

raven3321 said:


> When I first read the post, I thought about comments I've seen here where the betrayed spouse wishes they had a public apology from the wandering spouse. So I guess my question is, would it be somewhat vindicating or cathartic to receive an "I'm sorry" from your ex?



This "spontaneous" open leter appology is nothing else but a clever form of promoting her book. This approach will give her a lot of free publicity (advertisement).

The bottom line is (just like someone said already).... if she had no book to sell, she wouldn't be publicly appologizing for her affair.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I probably shouldn't say this, but where do you get the blame shifting? She apologized through out. Several times she says, "but that's no excuse for what I did.."

They hit some lousy rough patches, neither handled them well. But the way she handled them killed the marriage. She acknowledged that several times.

What am I not seeing here?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"A genuine apology that has no hint of "yes, but" or blame-shifting would be appreciated, yes."

Not necessarily, Michzz.

He may have been permanently scarred or effected by her A....especially since she restarted it with this POS right in his face after several weeks of saying she wanted to save her M.

He obviously never forgave her and may spend every day with trust issues, etc, that she inflicted on him.

Even having her mention it might be a trigger.

Plus, as someone else pointed out....she has publicly announced HIS private business....but went out of her way to protect the identity of the scumbag POS who helped f*ck up his M and life (at least for awhile).

Real classy that.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

So she admitted, said "sorry", her husband forgave her but she slept with John AGAIN until 2nd dday ? 
Yet she worded it, "we couldn't take it anymore". No Nina, Gary was the one who couldn't take your worthless remorseless lying cheating a5s again.
Disgusting


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

Here's a subtle blameshift

_"Of course, I don’t blame you for how I reacted — it was entirely my doing — *BUT* occasionally, I wonder what might have happened if you’d only talked to me about quitting your job first. I would have supported you."_


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So...she is dyingh. 

And now she feels bad? 
NOW!?! 
So happy it only took her how many yaerS? 

FAIL!!!


So, is she wanting forgiveness because she divorced? And lost her AP. 
Or, because she realizes as she is dying, she doesn;t have her lover from her high school to hold her hand? 
ZERO SYMPATHY GIVEN

Pathic. 
Forgive me! For ripping your heart out!~! Aned eating it!!! 
Wjhy? 
Oh, because I am dying. 


If my supposed parents wrote me a letter onj their death bed, I would burn it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> The Daily Mail is good for that treacly stuff. God bless it.
> 
> A couple of years ago on TAM, someone started a thread wondering if he should see his ex wife who cheated on him before she died due to a disease.
> 
> Whatever floats your boat. I would be so afraid to see someone who rejected me, even under those conditions, because, well, they could reject me again....... even if she / he still had the time to write some sappy letter like that.


That was a pretty moving story. But the woman hadn't reached out. It was her family. She was comatose when he saw her.

This Daily Mail piece is typical tabloid feed. I think she is being dishonest because she leaves questions unanswered. 

1) Did the cheating make her relationship with John less satisfying over time? I am sure the answer is yes. John was a cheater. The two of them would have had to promise each other to change. "We fell in love when cheating. Now you and I must be better people. Otherwise, we know we aren't fully worth it."

2) Not having children, that is her biggest regret. Mentioning Gary's step daughter rubs the salt in wound. Gary might be sorry that he did not have children but happy they weren't with her. Facing death the woman confessing probably felt profound loneliness in the hospital, wishing she had a child as comfort.

3) When did she think about Gary in the years afterwards? A lot? Did she eat breakfast with John and think about Gary? How did that feel?

4) She doesn't write about sex. A big question for many betrayed husbands and wives.

5) Nostalgia and sentimentality – re: the naming of Gary but not John.
Well she names Gary because she is praising him and she wants him to see the story. Having his name in paper ensures that someone will send it to him. She gets her message delivered for certain. John is a nobody in her final reckoning. 

Anyway she is just a flawed human being who is facing death, like us all. Cancer has a way of popping up again, just like cheating.

The big lesson is that cheating is destructive. I can imagine a ONS remaining a guilty secret with the wayward bearing pain and regret. But this sort of emotional affair is flesh piercing metal. Gary's soul bleed out. She is dead to him.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

About browsing thru her "look at me now" piece, I bet Gary is for once happy that she cheated on him, and he moved on to someone else.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Dyokemm said:


> "A genuine apology that has no hint of "yes, but" or blame-shifting would be appreciated, yes."
> 
> Not necessarily, Michzz.
> 
> ...


Amen brother....


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> So...she is dyingh.
> 
> And now she feels bad?
> NOW!?!
> ...


As I stated...she is only clearing her conscience and nothing more.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

She publicly "outed" him (Gary). She invaded his privacy by plastering his pictures and name in the newspaper. There will be people who will find out where he is. You know they will. They will want to know if he forgives her. If not, he will be crucified in the media by being so heartless. Nice job "lady". alleviating your continued guilt, by transferring the pain all over again to Gary.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

yeah....I smell self promotion and a touch of revenge covered by the classic "Mortal Peril " blanket of confusion.

Typical tripe for the tabloids.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I probably shouldn't say this, but where do you get the blame shifting? She apologized through out. Several times she says, "but that's no excuse for what I did.."
> 
> They hit some lousy rough patches, neither handled them well. But the way she handled them killed the marriage. She acknowledged that several times.
> 
> What am I not seeing here?


It does not matter how many times she says sorry and says she take responsability if through the apology put responsability of her actions in him, by saying that what send her to the arms of her co worker was he being angry by the job that he didn't like and he quiting without consulting her first.

that is equal to saying "I am sorry I know I did something despicable, but i would have not done it, never in my life if you have not taken that selfish decission of leaving your job without consulting me, o yeah but I take responsability for the affair"

sometimes Anon I have hard time with you and your group of friends because you seem to me as women who don't see nothing but the perspective of women without using empathy, in other words you simply don't have emphaty for the male gender.

let me put a extreme example of what this woman did to blame shift in a scenary more understable to women and with a more despicable act.

I am really sorry and I lament and regret that I raped you is an unforgivable act and I regret it every day, but if you had not wear that mini skirt showing soo much skin and If you have not had reputation of being easy I would have never done it, I take responsability for my acts but still I wonder how things would have turned if just that day you have not decided to wear that micro skirt, I probably would have just pass your way without giving you a look, but still that's no excuse for what I did, please forgive me I am really sorry and I will regret it forever, take full responsability of my actions, and hope you will find in your heart the kindness to forgive me.

same thing, blame shift, and of course this imaginary man and apology are not that sincere as he justify his actions by the woman reputation and way of dressing, ultimately blaming her for his actions.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Its really sad. The poor guy gets to relive it all over again. How is this not abuse or a attack on him in his life. Who cares if she wants forgiveness. That is her problem. Maybe if she wouldn't have been such a xxxxx then there would never be any need for any of this in the first place. 

Its like Leave the poor guy alone. Let him go on and live his life. 

She doesn't deserve forgiveness.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

So Gary quitting his job drove her into the arms of John? Yeah, she's totally owning her actions...NOT.

This should have been a letter mailed privately to Gary.

She inserts the fact that she's already written two books, so I'm going to just assume this is a ploy for publishing PR. 

She stayed with "John" for 15 years but still thought of Gary. Just shows more of her lack of character.

Sorry to hear that anyone is dying of cancer, but that doesn't excuse her actions years ago, or give her the right to publicly shame Gary yet again. Tacky and gross.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

raven3321 said:


> Thoughts?


Simply beautiful


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Simply beautiful


In a twisted killer clown sort of way maybe...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

manticore said:


> It does not matter how many times she says sorry and says she take responsability if through the apology put responsability of her actions in him, by saying that what send her to the arms of her co worker was he being angry by the job that he didn't like and he quiting without consulting her first.
> 
> 
> that is equal to saying "I am sorry I know I did something despicable, but i would have not done it, never in my life if you have not taken that selfish decission of leaving your job without consulting me, o yeah but I take responsability for the affair"


I didn't read it that way. When someone has an affair there has to be something missing. Whether some narcissistic drive for constant adulation and excitement, or some need that is being unmet...there is something missing. What she said, as I read it, is that the thing that was missing in her, went missing because of the enormous strain of him quitting his job impulsively.

Manticore, I'm not at all suggesting her ex was the cause of the affair, nor were his action the cause. Just as she said in her article. She handled that situation VERY badly! She had many other options. She didn't seek the other options. Completely and totally her fault. The state of the marriage was both of their faults.





> sometimes Anon I have hard time with you and your group of friends because you seem to me as women who don't see nothing but the perspective of women without using empathy, in other words you simply don't have emphaty for the male gender.


I'm sorry you see it that way. I don't believe this is accurate though I will accept that my word choices have been poorly made. 

Are you lumping me into a group identity? I think you are and I think that's unjustified. I call it as I see it and I do not let group think sway my opinion.

I thank you for your honesty because it reminds me to be much more circumspect with my words. ...A lesson I have a very difficult time with!!!!



> let me put a extreme example of what this woman did to blame shift in a scenary more understable to women and with a more despicable act.


Oooh be careful here. 




> I am really sorry and I lament and regret that I raped you is an unforgivable act and I regret it every day, but if you had not wear that mini skirt showing soo much skin and If you have not had reputation of being easy I would have never done it, I take responsability for my acts but still I wonder how things would have turned if just that day you have not decided to wear that micro skirt, I probably would have just pass your way without giving you a look, but still that's no excuse for what I did, please forgive me I am really sorry and I will regret it forever, take full responsability of my actions, and hope you will find in your heart the kindness to forgive me.
> 
> same thing, blame shift, and of course this imaginary man and apology are not that sincere as he justify his actions by the woman reputation and way of dressing, ultimately blaming her for his actions.



Oh dear you went there anyway.

First, in your fictitious scenario, the woman and the rapist have no understanding, no commitment, no promise, no relationship at all. She has no responsibility to the rapist. She has no promise to fulfill. She has no responsibility to behave in any way what so ever toward the rapist. 

(Unlike a husband who does have a responsibility toward his wife and his marriage.)

The rapist encounters women dressed like that daily so unless he only leaves his home once every few years, it is reasonable to conclude that he knows his inclinations are illegal and despicably wrong. Furthermore, the rapist has no right whatsoever to expect any woman anywhere to behave in any way that best helps him not to rape. And lastly, rape, as you e described it above, is not something that one just falls into, nor is it smithing the most deluded person can contemplate without knowing the ultimate wrongness of his actions, her screams and cries had to have been determinably ignored.

(The woman from the article had every right to expect a certain behavior in her husband. Unlike the rapist, she knew her marriage was on shaky ground. Unlike the rapist, she slowly fell into an attachment because it was meeting a need that she had. And since rape is NOT EVER prompted by a need for sex but instead a need to humiliate, dominate, and harm, the rapist has formed no attachment as a result of an unmet need being met by another.)

Your scenario might describe the utter devastation and betrayal a BH feels, but the situations are not at all similar and cannot be used to asses culpability.

I'm confused about you manticore. Didn't I read some a post of yours that admitted you have never been cheated on? If that is true, how is that you find yourself an expert in assessing remorse and blame?


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Apologies are useless unless backed up by atonement. Atonement only occurs if the perpetrator finds their empathy and really feels for the one they hurt. She is still a selfish entitled piece of excrement. She wouldn't have had the affair if Gary hadn't impulsively quit his job. She calls Gary out on "blanking" her in a restaurant and hanging up on her when she called. She "protects" her POS lover but puts Gary's business out in the public. She even went so far as to publish pictures of him so he has no chance to avoid dealing with such a traumatic dredging up of an old hurt. I'm not going to say that she deserves cancer but I will say that karma is real and when you embrace toxicity you ingest poison.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

I think she was blame-shifting a bit, not as bad as we have seen, but she was still blame-shifting.

And as many others have pointed out letting loose his identity seemed like a power play.

Though we should also take something positive from this article.

The cheater truly does not leave the marriage behind to go to something better. We see this time and time again in every story. It may seem like they get everything and the BS gets nothing, but that's in the short term. Long term it is a different story.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Anon Pink said:


> I probably shouldn't say this, but where do you get the blame shifting? She apologized through out. Several times she says, "but that's no excuse for what I did.."
> 
> They hit some lousy rough patches, neither handled them well. But the way she handled them killed the marriage. She acknowledged that several times.
> 
> What am I not seeing here?


Pointing at her husband's job failures and arguments as excuses to justify what she did is blame shifting.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

bfree said:


> Apologies are useless unless backed up by atonement. Atonement only occurs if the perpetrator finds their empathy and really feels for the one they hurt. She is still a selfish entitled piece of excrement. She wouldn't have had the affair if Gary hadn't impulsively quit his job. She calls Gary out on "blanking" her in a restaurant and hanging up on her when she called. She "protects" her POS lover but puts Gary's business out in the public. She even went so far as to publish pictures of him so he has no chance to avoid dealing with such a traumatic dredging up of an old hurt. I'm not going to say that she deserves cancer but I will say that karma is real and when you embrace toxicity you ingest poison.


Thank you BFree. Now this makes sense to me.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I probably shouldn't say this, but where do you get the blame shifting? She apologized through out. Several times she says, "but that's no excuse for what I did.."
> 
> They hit some lousy rough patches, neither handled them well. But the way she handled them killed the marriage. She acknowledged that several times.
> 
> What am I not seeing here?


My standard response to a cheater saying "...I know it's no excuse but...":

Well then if it's no excuse, don't mention it.

Alcohol was no excuse for your infidelity? Then don't insert it into your paragraph.

You felt neglected but that of course was no excuse? Since it's no excuse then there's no need to utter it, is there?

See? Pretty simple.

"You did this and that but of course it was no excuse" won't "excuse" the cheater.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Thank you BFree. Now this makes sense to me.


I apologize if my words were too harsh. Anon, you know I respect you very much and if any of what I wrote offended you I truly apologize. It's just the way I read her so called open letter was a veiled attack on her ex husband in the guise of repentance. It was a play for sympathy at the expense of the one she hurt incredibly. I realize I have an almost pathological need for honesty so admittedly I admit to the possibility of projection. But I saw this as extremely disingenuous and hurtful. I was incredulous at her blatant passive aggressive attempt to justify her betrayal despite her repeated weak apologies. Since she is a published writer I have no doubts that she was fully cognizant of the effect her words would have. In my opinion this was manipulation at its finest.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

This part of the letter bothered me the most:

"Sadly, John and I drifted apart and separated in 2005. Inevitably, I reflected on whether breaking up from you had been worth it. But I’d had many good years with John, and I hoped that you were happy, too, so it probably was the right outcome for both of us."

To me, it shows that she is very insensitive to her first husband. I'm sure it makes him feel really good to hear that she had many good years with the other man.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

bfree said:


> Apologies are useless unless backed up by atonement. Atonement only occurs if the perpetrator finds their empathy and really feels for the one they hurt. She is still a selfish entitled piece of excrement. She wouldn't have had the affair if Gary hadn't impulsively quit his job. She calls Gary out on "blanking" her in a restaurant and hanging up on her when she called. She "protects" her POS lover but puts Gary's business out in the public. She even went so far as to publish pictures of him so he has no chance to avoid dealing with such a traumatic dredging up of an old hurt.



Absolutely. This appology leter is nothing else but an utterly shameless and calculated maneuver to get publicity for her new book. I only hope that Gary isn't going to be stupid enough to actually bite it and agree to some kind of face to face TV appearance with her. I'm sure she would love it.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Thoughts?

It doesn't hurt my feelings that she has cancer.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Simply beautiful


*"Beauty in things exists merely in the mind which contemplates them."* David Hume's Essays, Moral and Political, 1742


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Dogbert said:


> *"Beauty in things exists merely in the mind which contemplates them."* David Hume's Essays, Moral and Political, 1742


Very interesting quote/outlook.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I probably shouldn't say this, but where do you get the blame shifting? She apologized through out. Several times she says, "but that's no excuse for what I did.."
> 
> They hit some lousy rough patches, neither handled them well. But the way she handled them killed the marriage. She acknowledged that several times.
> 
> What am I not seeing here?





> Dear ex-husband, you brought it all on yourself by daring to quit your job (which I knew you were unhappy with) without my express pre-approval. How John and I laughed at your pathetic efforts to get another job! It was great fun, helping John make you his and my cuckold. Though I did feel a tiny bit sad when my cheating made you vomit. Though when I told John about this, we eventually had a damn good laugh at this, too. Oh, yes, thanks for allowing me to drag your name through the mud in order to promote my book.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Steve1000 said:


> This part of the letter bothered me the most:
> 
> "Sadly, John and I drifted apart and separated in 2005. Inevitably, I reflected on whether breaking up from you had been worth it. But I’d had many good years with John, and I hoped that you were happy, too, so it probably was the right outcome for both of us."
> 
> To me, it shows that she is very insensitive to her first husband. I'm sure it makes him feel really good to hear that she had many good years with the other man.


Yep. 

This is where the term "vacuousness" comes from. Total disconnect between the mind and morals. I'm sure she thinks what she wrote would be taken as loving and heartfelt. 

She's a professional writer? Really? Well...she sucks. 

Gary is lucky. He dodged ending up,with a frumpy fat British ninny. She's been hitting the fish and chips a little hard...if you get my drift.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Yep.
> 
> This is where the term "vacuousness" comes from. Total disconnect between the mind and morals. I'm sure she thinks what she wrote would be taken as loving and heartfelt.
> 
> ...


Bandit, do you agree with me that this whole apology might really be payback time because Gary refused to take her call and blanked her in the restaurant al lthosew years ago? :scratchhead:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Bandit, do you agree with me that this whole apology might really be payback time because Gary refused to take her call and blanked her in the restaurant al lthosew years ago? :scratchhead:


For reals. Gary is such a d*ck.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> A couple of years ago on TAM, someone started a thread wondering if he should see his ex wife who cheated on him before she died due to a disease.


Indeed. That was J Valley's thread. It really was a moving story, so for those who haven't read this thread, here it is:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/49839-ex-wife-critically-ill-dont-know-what-do.html

I don't get moved emotionally that often, but this one is really emotional.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Bandit, do you agree with me that this whole apology might really be payback time because Gary refused to take her call and blanked her in the restaurant al lthosew years ago? :scratchhead:


Could be. She probably wants to live her life like a vast romantic saga. Her life is in her mind, and that mind is a Bronte novel. 

She probably has visions of her long lost husband coming to see her on her deathbed, and he professes his undying love and forgiveness to her, and she kisses her last breath into his mouth as angelic choirs sing her to her reward, and apple blossoms drift off the trees, and the sunlight pierces the clouds and....bleccccchhhhhhhhh!!!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Could be. She probably wants to live her life like a vast romantic saga. Her life is in her mind, and that mind is a Bronte novel.
> 
> She probably has visions of her long lost husband coming to see her on her deathbed, and he professes his undying love and forgiveness to her, and she kisses her last breath into his mouth as angelic choirs sing her to her reward, and apple blossoms drift off the trees, and the sunlight pierces the clouds and....bleccccchhhhhhhhh!!!!!


In 1986 she had a smug, self-satisfied grin.

Which she still has in 2015.

I think she cheated because she thought Gary loved her so much that he would let her get away with it.

She miscalculated and has probably never forgiven Gary for showing that he had such testicular fortitude as to say: "Goodbye, cheater, you are out of my life." *And to mean it.*


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> In 1986 she had a smug, self-satisfied grin.
> 
> Which she still has in 2015.
> 
> ...


I think you nailed it Hercule.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Bandit, do you agree with me that this whole apology might really be payback time because Gary refused to take her call and blanked her in the restaurant al lthosew years ago? :scratchhead:


Oh yeah. Her so called "apology" was nothing more than a clandestined way of calling Gary out.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I'm confused about you manticore. Didn't I read some a post of yours that admitted you have never been cheated on? If that is true, how is that you find yourself an expert in assessing remorse and blame?


Didn't know you had to be cheated on to spot a person with a hidden agenda. I've been cheated on so I'll happily be manticore's expert witness. I 100% agree with his assessment. She could of wrote all that in a letter then burned it. Instead, not only is she opening closed wounds by airing this guy's business to the world to sell a few books but she still will not accept responsiblity. 

I mean really this guy quits the job he's miserable at and her solution is to get screwed by another guy? That's your rationale? The affair was just as self serving as this "open letter" is now. Affairs aren't mistakes like spilling water, rather methodically planned selfish acts. If only you didn't quit your job huh Gary? I'm guessing he's says to himself, "if only you weren't such a dirty slvt Nina..."


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## Awe (Aug 16, 2012)

FYI - She isn't dying (for now anyways). Her cancer is in remission and she is symptom free.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

I found this part interesting.



> But losing contact with you was like a bereavement. In fact, it was worse. At least a bereavement is no one’s fault. I had brought all this on myself. Today, I’ve no idea where you are or what you are doing.


This is reminiscent of people whose loved ones one day suddenly disappear and are never heard from again. Just like these people, she continues to be haunted by the disappearance of her BXH. Any chance of closure has been forever removed for her as an option.

Just an observation.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> This part of the letter bothered me the most:
> 
> "Sadly, John and I drifted apart and separated in 2005. Inevitably, I reflected on whether breaking up from you had been worth it. But I’d had many good years with John, and I hoped that you were happy, too, so it probably was the right outcome for both of us."
> 
> To me, it shows that she is very insensitive to her first husband. I'm sure it makes him feel really good to hear that she had many good years with the other man.




Hah, more like: "Sadly, John and I drifted apart and I cheated on his a$$ too, and of course I have no idea where he is either, but it's all good."


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

BetrayedDad said:


> Didn't know you had to be cheated on to spot a person with a hidden agenda. I've been cheated on so I'll happily be manticore's expert witness. I 100% agree with his assessment. She could of wrote all that in a letter then burned it. Instead, not only is she opening closed wounds by airing this guy's business to the world to sell a few books but she still will not accept responsiblity.
> 
> I mean really this guy quits the job he's miserable at and her solution is to get screwed by another guy? That's your rationale? The affair was just as self serving as this "open letter" is now. Affairs aren't mistakes like spilling water, rather methodically planned selfish acts. If only you didn't quit your job huh Gary? I'm guessing he's says to himself, "if only you weren't such a dirty slvt Nina..."


:iagree:

I actually didn't read the story until now, and now that I have, it just validates what we know about some affairs.

1. Blameshifting. 
2. When the BH quits his job (or is a SAHD) and the WW becomes the breadwinner, then she loses a lot of respect for him.
3. In a workplace affair, if the WS is still working with the OM/OW, then the affair will most likely be back on or underground and there will be a 2nd Dday. This is why the WS must quit their job or go somewhere else if the OM/OW is a coworker.
4. Unless the BS is monitoring, the WS will probably contact their AP.

Now, the other thing that bothered me is that she posted his picture in the paper. She could have wrote the apology without doing that. This man has moved on, probably gotten married, children, and possibly grandchildren.

Now his family, friends, maybe girlfriend, wife, children, grandchildren get to see and tell him "I saw your picture in the paper!" and he gets to trigger all over again.

That's being insensitive to his situation, and if that were my picture, I would be furious. Because if my XW, whom I divorced many years ago because of her cheating, posted our wedding picture in the paper, I would be enraged. Hopefully she doesn't do that, because I know that my fWW would be the first to tell me.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

An affair is nothing more than a fully conscious decision on the part of the WS for which there should never be any kind of an excuse for.

While I do feel sorry for her later medical problems of such serious magnitude, it only serves to placate her own guilty conscience, all at the rekindled expense of her XH's jaded feelings about her very own covert infidelity!


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Now, the other thing that bothered me is that she posted his picture in the paper. She could have wrote the apology without doing that. This man has moved on, probably gotten married, children, and possibly grandchildren.
> 
> Now his family, friends, maybe girlfriend, wife, children, grandchildren get to see and tell him "I saw your picture in the paper!" and he gets to trigger all over again.


It could have been intentionally planned by her in order to locate him. By broadcasting his face all over the world, she enlists, free of charge, thousands, if not millions, of eyeballs serving as surveillance cameras - moved by her tear jerker story. Whatever privacy he has enjoyed up to this point, it has now been compromised. It won't be long before "she finds Waldo".


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

chaos said:


> It could have been intentionally planned by her in order to locate him. By broadcasting his face all over the world, she enlists, free of charge, thousands, if not millions, of eyeballs serving as surveillance cameras - moved by her tear jerker story. Whatever privacy he has enjoyed up to this point, it has now been compromised. It won't be long before "she finds Waldo".


All I know is that if a cheating ex of mine did this to me...

AAAAARRRRRRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHissed: 

:gun:

:2gunsfiring_v1:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Oh... and I would sue her for libel. Even if I couldn't prove I lost money over what she published. I would do it just to get her to waste her time and be a pain in her ass.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Perhaps I was wrong in my earlier post. Not as far as her possible motive but as far a the impact of a 38 year old wedding photo would have in terms of identifying him to countless strangers. Whatever his present looks, they would not even come close to the ones of the published wedding photo. Nevertheless, it was still wrong for her to include an identifying photo of her XBH in the article, IMNSHO.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

chaos said:


> Perhaps I was wrong in my earlier post. Not as far as her possible motive but as far a the impact of a 38 year old wedding photo would have in terms of identifying him to countless strangers. Whatever his present looks, they would not even come close to the ones of the published wedding photo. Nevertheless, it was still wrong for her to include an identifying photo of her XBH in the article, IMNSHO.


He may or may not look like he does in that picture now, but all it takes is one person to spread the word. Certainly his family (parents, brothers sisters, cousins, etc) would recognize the picture. Then all it takes is a single text and the word spreads like wildfire.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

> Still, when the divorce papers came through and I saw you’d cited ‘adultery’, it hurt. I don’t blame you, though.


How very magnanimous of you, Nina


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Oh... and I would sue her for libel. Even if I couldn't prove I lost money over what she published. I would do it just to get her to waste her time and be a pain in her ass.


Actually, that might work under UK libel laws, because even if what was published was true, that's not always a defence against a libel action.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, that might work under UK libel laws, because even if what was published was true, that's not always a defence against a libel action.


Actually I'd sue the publisher. 

Deep pocket.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Actually I'd sue the publisher.
> 
> Deep pocket.


And very large libel insurance, too.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

raven3321 said:


> I knew someone would do this one day but it's still amazing to see this in print. Apparently, a woman with stage 4 cancer writes an open letter to her ex-husband apologizing for cheating on him and destroying the marriage. Aside, from some blame-shifting in the piece, I thought it was nicely done:
> 
> An open letter from a divorcee Nina Joy whose affair destroyed her marriage | Daily Mail Online
> 
> Thoughts?


IMO, this is not an apology at all. Rather, the purpose of the story is to get _Daily Mail_ subscribers to read the following about Ms. Joy:




> I’m dealing with this disease in my own way. I’ve become something of a cancer maverick and have written two books about it. It’s also inspired me to become a motivational speaker.
> 
> I’ve not eschewed conventional medicine entirely. I’ve paid nearly £40,000 for private chemotherapy at a German clinic, a kind unavailable on our NHS which targets tumours rather than damaging the body’s entire immune system.
> 
> ...


The woman is an "alternative medicine" hustler and the article is a cleverly disguised advertisement.

Gary (her ex), should demand a share of the proceeds from her books and apprearances.


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## BrutalHonesty (Apr 5, 2015)

This is a publicity stunt. That is why there are all those photos. People will want the whole soap opera. Will he forgive her? Is he happy now? Can they somehow reconnect? 

Notice how she didn't apologized when she got news of cancer? Only now?

Manipulative, deceiving, cruel... Once the cheater...


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