# The kids and the fall out...what has it been like for you?



## bluebird20 (Feb 7, 2011)

So I pretty much know I am in it for the kids. I truly feel I would have no problems leaving if they weren't part of the picture. So I want to confront my fears of leaving, mainly telling the kids and how they will cope. My parents divorced when I was 5 and it was horrible. They did it so wrong, I really hope we could do it better, at least be amicable and have joint custody. I don't want them to lose their father. Those of you who have initiated seperation with kids, how did they take it?

Second there is the husband himself. He doesn't want to seperate, states he will stay unless I do it. He even threw out the I would kill myself, be hopelessly depressed, etc. I have feelings of fear and guilt about him and how that would effect the kids. The next piece is our families. They are all very religious and wouldn't agree with divorce, I would be the bad guy and a lot would come down on me. Anyone had that happen?

Finally my last fear is all the details, biggest one housing. Like and idiot I(we) bought a new house about 10 months ago. We had done counseling for a year and I thought I was committed to stay despite still being unhappy. We really needed to get out of the house we were in anyway, bad neighborhood, too small, etc. The kids are soooo happy in the house and neighborhood and leaving it would be such a loss. I can't imagine dealing with trying to sell a house in the midst of a divorce. I know we would both end up in seperate apartments. Neither of us could afford the house alone.

I want your worst stories, and the ones that didn't end up as bad as you thought.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

bluebird20 said:


> So I pretty much know I am in it for the kids. I truly feel I would have no problems leaving if they weren't part of the picture. So I want to confront my fears of leaving, mainly telling the kids and how they will cope. My parents divorced when I was 5 and it was horrible. They did it so wrong, I really hope we could do it better, at least be amicable and have joint custody. I don't want them to lose their father. Those of you who have initiated seperation with kids, how did they take it?
> 
> Second there is the husband himself. He doesn't want to seperate, states he will stay unless I do it. He even threw out the I would kill myself, be hopelessly depressed, etc. I have feelings of fear and guilt about him and how that would effect the kids. The next piece is our families. They are all very religious and wouldn't agree with divorce, I would be the bad guy and a lot would come down on me. Anyone had that happen?
> 
> ...


For a successful seperation both parties need to be extremely amicable in all situations. 

Go buy the book by Isolina Ricci 'Two homes' this will tell you all you need to know on seperation, mediation, court, kids, how to deal with everything.

My ex and i seperated over 12 months ago. 
She went from being somewhat amicable to a complete and utter vindictive, vitriolic, harrassing, nut case who is trying her hardest to Alienate the kids from me and is now attempting to screw me for more money through the courts. 
She treats my time with the kids like a reward for money, she says things like "Pay me more money and you can see your kids"

Have I accepted this? Absolutely no way. 
Am I fighting fire with fire? NO WAY. 
Do I ever say a bad word about her in front of the kids? No way!! I know she does at any chance she gets, the kids tell me.

Do I know the kids would be better off living with me full time? Yes way. 

My ex is indulging in drugs, sex (with just about anyone), doesn't work and hasn't since seperation. 

Next week is court.
I sure hope the Judge sees through all her lies and garbage and realises that her only motorvation is money. 

Your hubby sounds like he is very needy and won't accept the seperation. If he says he'll kill himself, try and record it as it can be used in court. You will have to ensure you get your kids away from any situation that may cause harm to them.

Good Luck


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## bluebird20 (Feb 7, 2011)

Wow Mrnice, your story sounds awful and I am so sorry for you. My greatest hope in the decensy of my husband is that he will stay amicable but I do fear how he will really react and how things will stay in the long run. I think his threats of suicide are not serious because I know him so well. I think it is a last ditch effort to stop me from leaving, but believe me my kids won't be around him if I have any real fears about his mental health. I feel it will go one of three ways, 1 he will be utterly desperate and depressed and beg and plead to get back togther or a long time, 2 he will be angry and bitter and make things miserable (like what your going through but hopefully not that bad) or 3 my biggest hope, he will accept it and try to focus on the kids and work with me for their sake.


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## MAdadof1 (Jan 10, 2011)

I initiated a divorce about a month ago after over a decade of loveless/sexless existence. pre-teen son was my main concern, however it became clear to me that the example of marriage we were setting for him was terrible, and I realized that staying in the marriage was doing more harm than good. I'd rather he have two separate but happy parents rather than together and miserable parents.

The divorce was amicable and very rapid (done already). Still - my biggest worry was how my son would take it and what the long term impact would be. He actually took it a lot better than I expected - though at first he tried to blame himself for it, we reassured him we loved him and that it wasn't his fault... it was nobody's fault. He even started to see some of the positive out of a bad situation (like having two homes and the ability to put his own personality into the new home) and even sees that his parents being happier may also lead to better relationships with him.

We don't have the issue of not being able to afford two houses (we had enough retirement savings that she can cash out and buy her own place) but it will be EXTREMELY tight until she finds work.

How you approach the conversation with your husband may help determine his response and the tenor of the divorce itself. My ex has some mental health issues and I too feared what her response might be. I was very firm when I told her (i.e. this is not something I will change my mind on). She pleasantly surprised me with how amicable she has been, but at the same time I worked EXTREMELY hard to put aside my anger in the things that have lead to me wanting a divorce in the first place, to put aside the thought of losing half of everything of monetary value I've worked hard for, of losing 1/3 of my income for a long time in the future, etc. etc. The temptation to be vindictive and affix blame can be high, but the over-riding desire of having an amicable divorce for the sake of the children (and yourself) means you need to approach it all with grace and compassion - but also with firmness.

Luck.

p.s. I should have done this years ago.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

MAdadof1 said:


> p.s. I should have done this years ago.


:iagree:


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm currently back in the house with the kids and my ex--we were nesting (a separate apartment each of us went to when it wasn't our turn in the house with the kids). He has fallen apart-depressed, suicidal, etc., although I have come to realize he is really simply trying to force me to take care of him. Still, it is very difficult to get yourself to the point where you can imagine having to tell kids that their father has died by his own hand--and accept that it could happen. So, I compromised by moving back in and providing additional support so he can focus on his job and getting better while I take care of the kids. We don't really have the space to share a house, but right now if that's what it takes, I'll do it. I'd love to have a duplex and may bring that up when he's doing better. I love the idea of being able to see the kids each day. I don't even mind taking care of him in a care-taker kind of way--helping him with taxes, for example, or when he "can't handle" something with the kids or whatever. I'd already made up my mind I wouldn't move until my 2nd son finishes high school, and we both wanted the kids to have the stability of one home for them. 

When we first separated, the situation was much the same and just before we started staying in the apartment we found, he had his first hospitalization--I expected that, b/c the apartment meant it was "real." He decided (when in the hospital) just to find another woman, and w/in 2 months was living with someone. He started taking the kids over their (against our divorce agreement) but then had to break up with this woman b/c she didn't want 2 of our 3 kids in her house--and yet, since he broke up with her and started falling apart again, he has said he wished he'd stayed with her even if it meant giving up the kids. I'm so sad for my kids and I hope to God they never find this out--if she would take him back, he'd go. BUT as weird as she is (she doesn't want our college-age on in the house b/c he is a man), she won't take him back. So he's been in crisis for about 2 months now (another short hospitalization) and, as I posted in another thread, was trying to get me, her, and the woman he dates to commit to him through most of this. 

My kids are doing exceptionally well-they don't know most of this, of course, and they know the lines of communication are very open. Their dad has done a decent job of protecting them--he tries not to moan audibly if they are around, for example, but they know he's been sad. 

Wow, this is totally jumbled, but my point is that I too thought we could be amiable--and we have been, but his neediness has been very problematic. Of course, that was a huge part of the marital issue and I anticipated much of this. But think it through--these things can happen. I thought I'd gotten through the worst during the first hospitalization, so I was taken by surprise when it all came back around again. 

As things stand, I feel overall it's been pretty good-because my kids have had relatively little pain. They cried when they heard the news but that was b/c they thought they wouldn't see their dad and once we cleared up that misunderstanding, they were ok with it. Honestly, as long as both parents behave as responsible adults, (no fighting, no crying or begging or blaming, etc.) the kids may take it in a matter-of-fact way. My youngest did try to engineer some match-making between me and him, but I would just gently explain that we weren't a couple and their dad could take them to dinner on his own (this was not something we had done as a family and that they missed). Being calm and persistent in the messages worked well, and it didn't take her long to move past that stage--a month or so. 

You cannot control how he reacts, of course, and that is the great unknown. Having a spouse who cannot put his children before his own feelings, who cannot act as a parent and adult first and foremost, is both extremely challenging and probably part of the reason for the marital issues in the first place (if it isn't a matter of poor communication). Commiting yourself to putting your children first no matter what will be essential--so you may have to hold off on dating for quite some time, for example, if they need more of you, as they well may.

Anyway, if this has given you pause, good. The more you know, the better your decision will be. Good luck.


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