# Wife Ended Her Affair But Is Still Oddly Detached



## Kunfoosed (Oct 17, 2017)

My wife and I had been married for almost 18 years as of 2016. We have each been married one other time prior. 

Things began to stagnate at about the 10 year mark. I ended up having an online long distance affair with someone from my past. The affiar and I were never physically intimate, though we did fully open ourselves emotionally. We had known each other as children. As a result, my wife and I spent 2 years in couples therapy and another 5 years trying rebuild our marriage. Things were bumpy. 

Last year, when all appeared to settle, my wife started an online affair with her junior high crush. They did have sex as teenagers. I never even knew he existed until she started the affair. Several months later she traveled to hook up with him in another state. Simply put, he had his way with her then kicked her to the curb. She kept trying to reconnect with him for several months after that but stopped, partly because he avoided her, and partly because I was putting pressure on her to stop. He had been married for 34 years at the time. He is still married, even after his wife found out. As far as I know, my wife broke contact with him earlier this year (2017).

She has been strangely disconnected from me since then (going on 6 months now). We have sex now and then, and it's always great. We talk about everything imaginable. Our relationship appears to be wide open to each other. But something is still weirdly "off." She has no interest in re-entering couples therapy, though she tells me I'm more than welcome to seek counseling myself. When I attempt to talk about my pain she asks me to "please get over it and try to put it behind us." She says this in a very sympathetic tone, and often gets quiet and cries afterward. Strangely, though, she does not really show any real empathy toward me. It's almost as if she's only sad that he bailed on her? 

Her telephone and online chats with me are nearly non-existent, and even when they do occur, they are usually superficial at best, though there are a few exceptions. She is completely immersed in her profession now. When not at work she spends time around the clock, studying and interacting with other women in her field. She posts motivational and inspirational things daily online. She says she's still finding herself. I get that, to an extent.

Though she denies interest in anyone else, I see rare open communications between her and an old high school buddy (a different man than the one she cheated with) from time to time. He lives a few hours away in another state. The communications could be benign, except that she consistently places him as a priority over me when she responds to comments on her threads. The way she repsonds is a bit warmer than with me. She did once refer to him as "hot" two years ago. We've discussed that several times. He is married, but I have recently learned that his wife is an emotional abuser, at least according to what I have been told by my wife. He is not a mutual friend of mine. She doesn't hide her phone from me, but she does keep it locked all the time, using her thumb print for security. She's inconsistent with keeping the tones on or off.

She had been flirty with yet another man from her high school right after her affair, but to my knowledge she dropped him like a hot potato when his intentions became too obvious, and I asked her to cut it off with him.

As far as I know, she had been faithful to me up until her affair last year. Now, it's like I'm married to a completely different woman. I still sense poison. My gut tells me our marriage is already dead, though she cliams she wants us to continue. I want that, too. But things are still not sitting right. If it were not for a severe medical condition that has rendered her nearly immobile, I often wonder whether she would walk out, though she claims she would not?

My confidence is in the toilet. My personal fitness is in the toilet. I have a hard time getting up for work every day. I feel used and unappreciated. I battle the depression by keeping myself busy while she keeps herself busy. Even when we take time to be together several times a week, it still feels awkward. She knows she's distant and has said as much. 

Anyhow...

Sorry for the long post. I'm honestly not sure what to think.

Thank you.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She is in mourning for her lost love.She is also setting up her next affair.
You have been relegated to about fourth or maybe third in her priority list.
Remember plan B never becomes plan A


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

She checked out of the marriage a long time ago and has not plans to check back in. She's just going through the motions of marriage like an actress in a play. You need to rattle the cage by bringing up the idea of divorce. This will either be her wake up call to check back in, or it will allow you to move on and find a woman who really wants to be with you. The status quo is unacceptable and will continue indefinitely if you do nothing. She'll gradually make you more depressed and emasculated. FORCE YOURSELF to go the gym, even if you don't want to. Start dressing better and putting on a confident, positive attitude, even if you're not feeling it. Show her how a good actor does it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I am sorry Kun but she did not really end the affair. He ended it with her. She did not dump him for you or because she wanted to live a full, marital life with you. She simply got dumped by her lover. You were the safety net so she is under your roof until she finds her next love. 

I am sorry and I know that is a very bitter pill to swallow but there just isn't any way to sugar coat that. 

My advice is start building your own life. Take charge of your health and well being first. Eat right, exercise, see a doctor for any actual health problems you may have. 

Then start pursuing your own dreams and interests. Get some fun and healthy hobbies. Meet and get to know new people and get with some old friends and family that you haven't seen in a long time. 

Start living life for YOU.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

The well is poisoned. Stop drinking from it.
Sounds like she's actively trying to cheat. You can try to snoop and figure out her phone code and try to see what she's hiding. But is it worth it to you?


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## Kunfoosed (Oct 17, 2017)

Thank you all for the replies. I cannot help but wonder whether I should diplomatically approach the latest guy I suspect (electronically, as he does live several hours away), and just ask him point-blank if he's interested in my wife? Their few open communications suggest he is. Even if he backs down and says nothing, word is bound to get back to her quickly? Shake the bushes and see what jumps out?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe she never really got over your affair.

Interesting that nobody brought this up. Seems to me that you opened this box.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Kunfoosed said:


> Thank you all for the replies. I cannot help but wonder whether I should diplomatically approach the latest guy I suspect (electronically, as he does live several hours away), and just ask him point-blank if he's interested in my wife? Their few open communications suggest he is. Even if he backs down and says nothing, word is bound to get back to her quickly? Shake the bushes and see what jumps out?


Only thing that will jump out is she will view you as insecure and will get better at hiding what she is doing. 

You wife has detached from you and right now she more or less buying time till the next one comes along. It's a general statement but once a woman detaches they rarely if ever become invested in a relationship again.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yeah she never got over your cheating and has been done all this time. It is probably now just a marriage of convenience. You should ask her if she wants to stay married. If yes why as she is not working on it. She may still be mad at you too. You guys need to commit or call it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe she never really got over your affair.
> 
> Interesting that nobody brought this up. Seems to me that you opened this box.


You beat me to it. I wonder how much he tried to fix it or how much rug sweeping was done.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

You're focusing on the wrong person my man. Of course the other man is interested--in getting in her pants and apparently she's provided clear instructions on how he should do it. And ain't nothing strange or odd about her behavior towards you. She's simply lost interest in you.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Don't torture yourself with pursuing an unfaithful spouse. It never goes well and you appear more pathetic in their eyes for wanting them when they are betraying you. Almost as if you are condoning it. Even if you say you aren't condoning it, your actions say otherwise and that is what will speak louder in their mind.

You need to detach a little. Do the 180. Look it up on google. She has checked out and all your pleas will fall on death ears.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe she never really got over your affair.
> 
> Interesting that nobody brought this up. Seems to me that you opened this box.


i agree with this.

Do not repeat that mistake. 
With the present wife, #2.

Or the next wife, #3.

What happened to wife #1?
Give us some background on her.

And your wife's first husband?

Let us spread all the cards out on the table.
Every one of them.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe she never really got over your affair.
> 
> Interesting that nobody brought this up. Seems to me that you opened this box.


so that gives her the freaking right to one up him and actually have physical sex...bull crap...then why not just divorce the dude....please he should be the one to tell her to pound sand and move on in this marriage she is now the biggest loser.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

There is no diplomacy any more you tell her to her face i am divorce your cheating ass and move on stop being a doormat and grow some balls. i bet dollars to donuts she gets her act together.


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## Kunfoosed (Oct 17, 2017)

I earned what I got, I will not deny that. I am no saint. I can own that I am at fault. Yes, she has her share of the blame, but the time for sorting blame is over. It won't change what I foresee is inevitable. I was seeking answers on how to proceed. I have my answers. Thank you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe she never really got over your affair.
> 
> Interesting that nobody brought this up. Seems to me that you opened this box.


You beat me to it, lits!

His affair might have been the catalyst.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

File for divorce, have her served, tell her she has whatever time it takes for the divorce to go through in your state. Some are a year, some less, she has that much time to decide. As for the new possible OM with the emotionally abusing wife, I call BS. Notify OM's wife that he is interested in your wife, and several hours away becomestgat much shorter if they meet half way. My money is that the OM's wife knows nothing and your wife is lying saying she is emotionally abusive. You both cheated, but she met and made her affair physical when yours wasn't. That to me says she wanted revenge, only she ended up being used and turned away. Now she's searching for and found another OM, probably wants to know if he will do what affair OM one did and drop her. If OM doesn't drop her guess what, she found her exit affair.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Just because the affair ended, it does not mean that the reason she started one is gone. Women tend to get into affairs for emotional reasons. They try to get what their husbands cannot or will not provide. Usually the husbands take the wives for granted and no longer tell them that they are hot and attractive. They long for the courtship days and get that with a new lover.

I broke up with my fiance even though she ended her affair. The problem was still there and I knew that it was just a matter of time before she left me or started another affair. Turns out that what she was looking for from men and taking drugs to attain, was found in the arms of a woman whom she married. The breaking up of the affair is the easy part. The aftermath is what is difficult. How do you trust someone who proved that they are untrustworthy? How do you believe someone who has lied and deceived you so easily? A wife who was thinking of him when having sex with you. I avoided all that with my ex fiancé and later on, my ex girlfriend. It was a good experience for me because I learned what women want and did it for my wife of 45 years.

If she is unhappy with you, you are just prolonging the inevitable.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kunfoosed said:


> My wife and I had been married for almost 18 years as of 2016. We have each been married one other time prior.
> 
> Things began to stagnate at about the 10 year mark. I ended up having an online long distance affair with someone from my past. The affiar and I were never physically intimate, though we did fully open ourselves emotionally. We had known each other as children. As a result, my wife and I spent 2 years in couples therapy and another 5 years trying rebuild our marriage. Things were bumpy.
> 
> ...



Sorry to say, but you broke your marriage vows first by having an emotional affair over a period of time with another woman. You broke your wife's heart then and things will never be the same, she no longer trusts you and she knows your pain because you inflicted it on her first.

You blame the marriage being stagnant, but you are also a party to the marriage so why is the stagnation her fault, so much so you justify your EA.
What did you do to restore the broken trust? What did you do to alleviate her pain of your betrayal. I cannot help but feel you make this all about you. She is right to move on from you, why should she even give you a second chance, YOU blew it.
Your wife will never forget, she may not have forgiven you, that is why she wants you to feel the pain you inflicted on her. You talk about empathy, it is all about you. Yet you gloss over what you did. You poisoned the marriage well, now you reap the consequences and if you cannot see that, you are in for a rough ride. Your wife is seeking what she lost. Better you both accept the fall out and move on with your lives and meet other people.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe she never really got over your affair.
> 
> Interesting that nobody brought this up. Seems to me that you opened this box.



AGREED, you poisoned the well and now this is the fall out, no empathy from me. You broke your wife so there you have it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

To be clear, I'm not suggesting what she's doing is ok.

I'm saying that once you break these boundaries you open the door to other boundary violations.

And once that happens you can't guarantee that what you get will be exactly what you gave.

If there's any chance that her behavior is rooted in this it might be possible to salvage things, if they're both willing. 

But I don't think this lies is telling her to **** off and filing for divorce. Tell her that you understand you started this and want to make things right, and that means boundaries for both of you as well as professional help.

If she refuses then you may have no choice but to split..... just own your part.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Emotional affair = But for the logistics, I bang their brains out.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> Emotional affair = But for the logistics, I bang their brains out.


Not true. OP did not fly off to bang his mistress as his wife did. He could have but didn't. In fact, he ended his affair and checked back into the marriage. The wife continued to have affairs and has decided to check out instead of rediscovering love. Falling out of love is a problem to solve, not an excuse to have an affair and check out. These are not equivalent situations.

I'm not minimizing the damage of OP's emotional affair, but he has recommitted to the marriage and his wife has checked out and has developed a pattern of infidelity.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It sounds like she checked out after your affair, tried to rekindle something with an old ex, he dumped her, and now she's in alpha window mode.

I think you lost her a long time ago. Now she just exists because it's better to her than being divorced.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rick Blaine said:


> Not true. OP did not fly off to bang his mistress as his wife did. He could have but didn't. In fact, he ended his affair and checked back into the marriage. The wife continued to have affairs and has decided to check out instead of rediscovering love. Falling out of love is a problem to solve, not an excuse to have an affair and check out. These are not equivalent situations.
> 
> I'm not minimizing the damage of OP's emotional affair, but he has recommitted to the marriage and his wife has checked out and has developed a pattern of infidelity.


A husband having an EA is worse than a PA because he is giving his heart to someone else. He probably would have banged her if the opportunity arose, so no brownie points there. He already did the damage, too late for his wife, once a line is crossed very difficult to fix it. 
As someone once said the marriage is like a crystal vase, once shattered, it is difficult to put the pieces back together and one gets cut in the process, his wife has left the marriage long ago.
I also wonder about his committment to the marriage, considering he minimises what he did, I am sure that has played into this mess.


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## Loveless17 (Oct 16, 2017)

You cheated first. That started everything. She no longer feels she can trust you and feels like there will more than likely be another affair on your part in the future. She now has to have a plan B for when you cheat again, which means getting involved with another man so she has a safety net ready for when you bail. Why did you cheat in the first place? Opening yourself up to another woman emotionally is worse than just being sexual with one. Once there is an emotional connection established with another female, your wife knew you no longer loved her and had to protect herself from you hurting her again. You really can't repair what you broke inside of her when you cheated.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

First thing is start exercising wake up everymorn like it the first day of the rest of your life. Get yourself feeling and looking better. 

Don't tell your wife anything. Treat your wife pleasent. 
She will notice 

You both made mistakes but nobody wants an out of shape depressed person who cheated first.

Put the cheating behind you on both sides and move foward.

Give it 6 months if things don't improve then its time to file!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lostinthought61 said:


> There is no diplomacy any more you tell her to her face i am divorce your cheating ass and move on stop being a doormat and grow some balls. i bet dollars to donuts *she gets her act together.*


Shegetsheracttogether..

Actually, she has.
She is.

Her's is not An Act, it is reality.

She is codependent. She does not want to be on her own.
She does not want to be with OP.
She wants to be with somebody. Some body.

Some warm body, having warm soft words for her, softly kissing her neck.
Walking down the road, his arm around her shoulder, her head tilted towards...

Towards that He, with a dangling participle hanging down, for her, in his spoken love poem.

Desperate for love, romance and a sense of belonging, she keeps beating the bush, her bush for an available Man to stand his body up.
A man for her to love and to cherish. And he to, too.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sad to say, but you are now, and have always been her perpetual “Plan B!” At least judging by her actions!

IMHO, no amount of MC or IC is going to ever change that!

Tacit acceptance, on your part, of that unfortunate fact by you, along with a trip to a good family attorney for some solid legal advice is what is direly needed at this juncture!!*


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Kunfoosed said:


> Thank you all for the replies. I cannot help but wonder whether I should diplomatically approach the latest guy I suspect (electronically, as he does live several hours away), and just ask him point-blank if he's interested in my wife? Their few open communications suggest he is. Even if he backs down and says nothing, word is bound to get back to her quickly? Shake the bushes and see what jumps out?


You're not listening to what every poster so far has said.

She's clearly completely disengaged from you and is 'mourning' her other man. He dumped her, she didn't choose to cut him off as a sign of loyalty to *you*. Had he not kicked her to the curb, she'd STILL be acting like a foolish teenage girl with a crush.

Don't tell me you feel grateful that she's no longer involved in that affair? You're Plan B, it's not like she's 'come back' to you.

What do you think you're going to accomplish by going to her next suspected love interest and demanding the truth from him? It's *not* going to change how she feels about you, nor will it magically make her fall back in love with you. It sounds as though that ship sailed a long time ago.

I think you need to open your eyes and see this situation for what it is.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You're not listening to what every poster so far has said.
> 
> She's clearly completely disengaged from you and is 'mourning' her other man. He dumped her, she didn't choose to cut him off as a sign of loyalty to *you*. Had he not kicked her to the curb, she'd STILL be acting like a foolish teenage girl with a crush.
> 
> ...


This!

It takes two people to be married.

Your wife needs to want to remain married.

She doesn't.

She's looking for her next affair.

Time to file for divorce.

This may wake her up but I doubt it.

Time to live your life by the 180.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Kunfoosed said:


> Thank you all for the replies. I cannot help but wonder whether I should diplomatically approach the latest guy I suspect (electronically, as he does live several hours away), and just ask him point-blank if he's interested in my wife? Their few open communications suggest he is. Even if he backs down and says nothing, word is bound to get back to her quickly? Shake the bushes and see what jumps out?


Who cares what jumps out. 

Stop playing games, file for divorce, and tell 'latest guy' he can have her. ( he won't because he wants a side piece.)


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

The 180

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.  It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

She's still mourning her affair ending. Most likely she had an RA in response to your EA and now that the playing field is 'leveled' she misses her AP and your marriage just "is what it is" now. You're existing. She's hoping she can get feelings back for you but they've changed since your EA and they've changed more since her PA. She's probably comfortable with you and may think she can spend the rest of her life in virtual comfort, but those feelings of intense love are long gone.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Once their love is gone, it never returns. Her love was gone the moment she started the thing with the AP. 

If you want a wife who loves you, move on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You no longer have her heart. Maybe it's been gone for a long time or maybe not. But it's gone. 

Wake up.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Op really doesn’t say what went on with his “affair.” Yet folks are comparing her physical affair and what sounds like two more emotional affairs and blaming him. I doubt at the time he even
Knew what an emotional affair was. I also doubt it has little to do with her hopping on a plane.
Her lover used her for a quick piece and dumped her. She has been made a fool of. Op should have filed immediately and earned his respect back. As of now she simply thinks he will accept sloppy seconds and that doesn’t turn her on.

She isn’t with the effort. She’s looking for new meat while you take care of her. Time for a come to Jesus convo and a new deal or move on quickly.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> Op really doesn’t say what went on with his “affair.” Yet folks are comparing her physical affair and what sounds like two more emotional affairs and blaming him. I doubt at the time he even
> Knew what an emotional affair was. I also doubt it has little to do with her hopping on a plane.
> Her lover used her for a quick piece and dumped her. She has been made a fool of. Op should have filed immediately and earned his respect back. As of now she simply thinks he will accept sloppy seconds and that doesn’t turn her on.
> 
> She isn’t with the effort. She’s looking for new meat while you take care of her. Time for a come to Jesus convo and a new deal or move on quickly.


Regardless if he knew what an EA was, he still did it. It still does damage. Who knows if what she did was in intentional response to what he did. She might not even know if it was completely revenge or not. At any rate, what he did first most likely killed some feelings/love/respect and when she started her own EA turning into PA she most likely justified it in her mind because he'd done it. It in no way justifies what she did, but it can surely be a catalyst. That doesn't mean people aren't responsible for their actions, but to a certain extent I don't feel as strongly about RA's.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> As of now she simply thinks he will accept sloppy seconds and that doesn’t turn her on.


It probably really doesn't turn the OP on, either. I know that when it was me, despite any attempts I made to have desires for my WW again, my TRUE feelings were if she were the last woman on earth, I would prefer to go sit in a corner and jerk off. Giving blow jobs by proxy was not something I was really interested to do.



Kunfoosed said:


> If it were not for a severe medical condition that has rendered her nearly immobile, I often wonder whether she would walk out, though she claims she would not?
> When I attempt to talk about my pain she asks me to "please get over it and try to put it behind us." She says this in a very sympathetic tone, and often gets quiet and cries afterward. Strangely, though, she does not really show any real empathy toward me. It's almost as if she's only sad that he bailed on her?


My guess is if not for her medical condition which will make it damned near impossible for her to find a REAL MAN who will be her REAL husband with REAL responsibility toward her, instead of just a schtup.... she is afraid to let go of her REAL husband.

And, you are 100% correct. Your wife is not in the slightest way repentant for having committed adultery against you. She's only sorry that she got caught. She is not really willing to do the work required to rebuild your marriage.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> Regardless if he knew what an EA was, he still did it. It still does damage. Who knows if what she did was in intentional response to what he did. She might not even know if it was completely revenge or not. At any rate, what he did first most likely killed some feelings/love/respect and when she started her own EA turning into PA she most likely justified it in her mind because he'd done it. It in no way justifies what she did, but it can surely be a catalyst. That doesn't mean people aren't responsible for their actions, but to a certain extent I don't feel as strongly about RA's.


The blame game is pointless.

It's time for him to move on.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

it is over.

File for D and get out of infidelity.


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## Kunfoosed (Oct 17, 2017)

I am reading everything here (even the 180 list of 33 items). Trust me on this. 

Hard, hard, HARD feedback, but it's all things that I need to hear. I did not expect any sympathy, only answers, and I am receiving answers. 
7 years of counseling has taught me to listen to people, even if I might not like what they're telling me. None of this is easy to hear. 

Forgive my poor choice of words in some of my descriptions/narratives/replies, or whatever the correct terminology is?

Thank you all, even the ones who might want to pour gasoline on me and throw me off a cliff.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

All I will say is once a cheater always a cheater. If you are not going to file for divorce, at least setup an escape/legal fund for yourself.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I think you killed any chance of saving the marriage when you had your affair. After that she felt the world was wide open for her to do what she wanted. Methinks she planned on replacing you and it didn't work out. 

She wants to save the marriage now because she is physically disabled and needs you to take care of her. I don't think it has anything to do with love. 

Don't do that to yourself. Do you want to be Hoke to her Miss Daisy? Naw.... End it. Free her and free yourself from present and future misery. It's over.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

What is her condition? Is it permanent? I don't know what advice to give except that if she is acting this way now it is only a matter of time before she heals and then she will be on the prowl again. I think that she only needs you for support while in this state. You have to make a decision on what is best for you in any case. Good luck.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Kunfoosed said:


> It's almost as if she's only sad that he bailed on her?


Yup. You win the gold star.

She's only really upset the "love of her life" pumped and dumped her. She feels used.

Why would she care about you? You're just a safety net she was trying to trade up for.

So congratulations, you're now plan B. She settled and frankly you deserve it after your EA.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your' EA to:
Her EA/PA to:

No A to:

Just two B-actors.

One with a bat, two balls.
One with a glove.

And no Home to Run to. 

Call it a game that was rained out.

Get a new team together.


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## Kunfoosed (Oct 17, 2017)

skerzoid said:


> What is her condition? Is it permanent? I don't know what advice to give except that if she is acting this way now it is only a matter of time before she heals and then she will be on the prowl again. I think that she only needs you for support while in this state. You have to make a decision on what is best for you in any case. Good luck.



Permanent but manageable over time (now that it has been properly diagnosed; two co-inciding conditions she was born with), and it should improve with long-term treatment and a few minor surgeries. It might take another year or two before she has full mobility, if she chooses to remain in therapy. She was fully mobile until about 2 years ago.

I've been cursing myself over the past two or three days since I opened this thread (no, I am not fishing for sympathy), not to mention how I've kicked myself prior. Reality is a tough pill to swallow, especially knowing I am responsible for it. Yes, it takes two, but I also understand that I am indeed the initial poison, the catalyst. 

I stupidly thought my cheating days were behind me. I had several physical affairs in my first marriage. My wife at the time did, too. We lasted 9 years. I did not start dating again until 4 years after that. A year after I resumed dating I married the first woman I dated, my second wife. She had been off of her first marriage for 7 years when I met her, though she had dated off-and-on during her seven year stint of single life.

Anyway...

I thought I had kicked the habit of wandering, and was stupid enough to pat myself on the back for "only" having had an online affair when our marrige turned rocky, thinking somehow that meant I had truly changed in some way? Nope. Now, I see that I am the same scum I always have been. 18 years down the toilet.

"Once a cheat, always a cheat." I hate that saying, but I cannot get out from under it. I wear that shoe. It fits. I wish it did not but obviously, I cannot change that. It is too late.


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## Kunfoosed (Oct 17, 2017)

BetrayedDad said:


> So congratulations, you're now plan B. She settled and frankly you deserve it after your EA.


Yep. :banghead:


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## Kunfoosed (Oct 17, 2017)

I'm not sure I'll check into this thread much anymore. It appears that everything worthwhile and/or substantive that can be said has been said. Consider yourselves fortunate and blessed that you are not like me.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Kunfoosed said:


> I'm not sure I'll check into this thread much anymore. It appears that everything worthwhile and/or substantive that can be said has been said. Consider yourselves fortunate and blessed that you are not like me.


Yeah, you messed up, but I'm pretty reluctant to cast the blame for what your wife is doing on an EA you had 8 damn years ago. She made her own choices and charted her own path. I can't see beating yourself up too much about it.

And in any event, you need support as much as anybody else. I'd ask you to consider sticking around.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Kunfoosed said:


> Permanent but manageable over time (now that it has been properly diagnosed; two co-inciding conditions she was born with), and it should improve with long-term treatment and a few minor surgeries. It might take another year or two before she has full mobility, if she chooses to remain in therapy. She was fully mobile until about 2 years ago.
> 
> I've been cursing myself over the past two or three days since I opened this thread (no, I am not fishing for sympathy), not to mention how I've kicked myself prior. Reality is a tough pill to swallow, especially knowing I am responsible for it. Yes, it takes two, but I also understand that I am indeed the initial poison, the catalyst.
> 
> ...


I think you learned your lesson.
And the less-on was a more-so.

Life is painful, especially if one keeps biting off their limbs.
You need those appendages to climb up the ladder.
To a better way of living.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Kunfoosed said:


> Permanent but manageable over time (now that it has been properly diagnosed; two co-inciding conditions she was born with), and it should improve with long-term treatment and a few minor surgeries. It might take another year or two before she has full mobility, if she chooses to remain in therapy. She was fully mobile until about 2 years ago.
> 
> I've been cursing myself over the past two or three days since I opened this thread (no, I am not fishing for sympathy), not to mention how I've kicked myself prior. Reality is a tough pill to swallow, especially knowing I am responsible for it. Yes, it takes two, but I also understand that I am indeed the initial poison, the catalyst.
> 
> ...


OP who are you kidding you are still checking this thread. 

Normally I say leave but two cheaters should stay with each other as to spare everyone else. So if you still want to make a go of it maybe you can use her condition and the challenges for the next few years as a catalyst to heal your relationship. I would say to her, look I know I basically blew up the marriage and maybe you no longer love me but I am going to at least help you get to the point where you condition is manageable and we can see where we are after that. I won't stay though if at that point you don't love me anymore. 

Worth a shot if you still want to give it a chance. Please do, a serial cheater shouldn't be out trying to find new women to possibly damage. Oh and if you DO do this never cheat again!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Calling yourself names is not going to help you or your situation. Yeah, you were a screw up in your past marriage and you screwed up again in this one. Use this self reflection as an impetus to get into counseling and dig deep to understand why you have sh*t for boundaries. 

You are not an "evil" person, but you do lack a parking brake, and the only way you can build healthy boundaries is to clear away the rubble and start with a foundation of some independent counseling. Something in you drives you to seek sexual validation from many partners. One woman isn't enough for your ego-feeding. So even if you do divorce this wife, you will be setting yourself up for failure again in the future if you don't get to the bottom of your issues.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

So you catch your wife in a physical affair and you are still accepting of her messaging other male friends? You dont need to call the latest guy she is talking too you need to call a lawyer and kick her ass to the curb.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Sounds like she's still going shopping to me, and isn't interested in marriage therapy of any type, because her emotional compass is going the opposite direction. Sometimes people need to experience losing what the have to appreciate what the have (or had). Sometimes it's too late to retain it. She sounds like she's heading there. Beat her to the punch (separate, ultimatum, divorce), as that will at least provide you with a degree of emotional control. Don't wait for the other shoe to drop. You know it's coming. Why wait? It's really simple. It's either you or the other guy, FOREVER. Force her hand, now!


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

"Sounds like she's still going shopping to me"

This , this and this again.

Have you considered an open relationship? You really have got your work cut out here. You are really going to have to use your imagination to come up with a solution that works for you both.


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