# Starting to smile again



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

This is a note for all you folks out there struggling with the effects of infidelity. There is life again, choose to live it!

My story is like all the rest of you, (see my post history). I can go back to the third year of my twenty year marriage and tell you the exact day the decline of our marriage began, (Oct. 22, my birthday). I put up with a lot of crap over the years but the proof of her infidelity over the last few years completly crushed me. Even after I knew I kept trying to save our marriage. I am an emotionally strong man, a pretty tuff old dog, but I cried like a baby many times over the last six months. The lies, the betrayal, the the taking advantage of my goodness, the failure of our marriage, I was simply crushed. I never thought I would feel better. Even as recently as New Years eve I thought things would never get better.

But things do get better and as a person you will feel better. I am not sure the how and why but over the last week I have started to feel positive about life again. I find my old sense of humor has returned , I WANT to be social again with my friends, I look foreward to being at home even if I'm alone, ( she left me and the kids and our home). One of our mutual friends called me last night to give me a heads up that my soon to be ex is planning on being married this summer and moving to Montana, the news had no emotional effect on me at all.

The one thing that I have come to realize is I was always the better person in our marriage, she never deserved to be with someone of my caliber, I'm not bragging it's just the basic truth, I am a much better human being than she ever was or will be. I am 48 years old, much to young to be miserable for the rest of my life. I am still pissed at what she did and what it will cost me financially, but I am happy she is gone. My emotions went from love, to lose, to hate, now I just feel sorry for her. I am sure there will be moments when I feel down, but I think the darkest days are behind me. 

Thanks to all of my electronic friends on this forum who supported and advised me over the past year. Coming here and making post and getting answers was a big help to me. My guess is I will continue to look here for support, but I wont be crying over the keyboard as I type.

To all you folks out there in pain heres a silly little bit of therapy to help. Whistle or hum a tune. It's a very simple exercise and at first you will only get thru a couple of notes before your mind returns to dark thoughts, but keep at it a few times a day. The days and nights will get better, your life will get back on track. You may need to work on it at first but you can smile and laugh again, and you deserve to be happy. 

Good luck to all,
Cooper


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Cooper, that's great news that you are finally able to let her go and put the pain behind you. Your post made me smile and I'm very happy for you that you were able to get to this point. I know the feeling and it sure is good to have the dark days behind you. The tune whistling; that's a great idea! :smthumbup:

best of luck to you as you remake your life now.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Wishing you a fantastic happy future good luck x


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You may not be thinking about it right now. But there is a good woman out there that can't wait to meet you.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i am very happy for you, you sound like a great person and i hope the woman of your dreams finds you and you her.


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## MBJOE (Nov 2, 2008)

That is great to hear , I too am in the same position with a soon to be xx that has lost all sense of reality. I have been married for 16 years have one son and to say the least did everything to save the marriage. Now looking back there wasn't much to save if you know what I mean. The reason I put so much effort in it , was just afraid of the unknown I guess. I wish my soon to be x was getting remarried , then the $3,600 a month in alimony would stop!! ha ha.. Well good to hear your emotionally moving on. Can't wait until I'm in that position. Take care.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Thanks everyone ! 

Yea, the financial impact of having an ex is going to suck. Why does the court allow cheaters to be rewarded for bad behavior? Very unfair. My soon to be ex'es behavior is going to put me in a position where I can't afford to pay for my kids college education. But a cheater only knows how to be selfish so what does she care. We were pretty well prepared as my daughter is heading for college next fall, now we have to redo the financial aid application and also look at her to take out student loans. My son is four years away from college so maybe by then things will be back on track for me financially.

Again, I am so HAPPY she(soon to be ex) is out of the house. I really hope she does marry sooner than later. I know I have to deal with the repercussions of her actions but a least I don't have to deal with her everyday and that is a big plus. Things are much calmer without her here, the house is cleaner, and things are much easier to manange. The one thing I could always depend on with her was to be undependable! I almost feel sorry for the next guy ! She made me unhappy for years and I just kept sticking with it and trying to keep the piece because I thought it was the right thing to do, and maybe it was because of the kids.

It is so nice to be able to write about this issue and crack jokes, last month every key stroke was painful. I'm surprised my keyboard held up I was typing so hard! Don't forget to whistle!

Cooper


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Cooper,

My daughter went to JC until she could transfer into ASU. Its taken longer, but she graduates in may with only about 15K in debt. With the economy the way it she needs to have as little debt as possible. Please consider this route. She will also see that cheating costs everyone.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Hi infortheduration,

My daughters first choice was The Pittsburg Art Institute, very expensive school. We live forty minutes from a really great community college(Tri C) so I am trying to talk her into attending there for two years and get the basics out of the way. But you know how teenagers are, her and I get along most of the time but the thought of living at home for two more years may be to much for her young heart to bare!! And honestly I think she needs the experience of being on her own, my kids have had a pretty easy life and I'm thinking I may not have done them a favor. I'm not sure going to college is being on your own but it's a start. My sons only goal at this point is to go to a college where he can snowboard all year! 


Cooper


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

LOL snow board all year! Hey if he does school thats awesome! some kids dont even do that! I am so glad to hear that eventually your heart heals and you feel great again! I do some days are better then others and maybe its the stupid weather. But good to hear that you are doing so well.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Infortheduration you mentioned how my daughter will see cheating affects everyone. I am having trouble reading my daughters feelings over all this. I have not said one negitive word to the kids about their mother thru all this, but it was brought to my attention that my daughter does know what her mom has done. The only thing my daughter has said to me about it is she knows the breakup wasn't my fault. There has been a bunch of times in the last few months where my daughter has been let down by her mom, and my daughter has voiced her anger to me about it. But, most times I think my daughter and her mom have a better relationship then my daughter and I have. I suppose it's because mom has always been her friend and I have always been her parent. I do take heart that at 18 she can live where she wants and she has chosen to stay with me.

Anyway, I will never try to discredit my soon to be ex in the eyes of our children, it would gain nothing but hurt the kids. They may never know the full truth and thats all right with me. 

Cooper


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I think your wife will have a wild time initially. And then she will look down the road at her future. Its gonna look pretty bleak eventually. I think the party will be fun at first. and then I think she will party to forget what she has done. Watch how she will age. I think the question is 3, 4, or 5 years from now, when she comes knocking on your door. How will you react? She will cheat and be cheated on. You are going to find a good woman (or rather a good woman will find you), and because you did not compromise your integrity or your responsibilities, you will therefore have no regrets. And will be able to move forward. I am afraid your wife's regrets will be legion.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Its understandable about the relationship between your daughter and your ex. I think its because she is more like you then your wife. I mean you loved your wife. If your daughter is like you. She would be attracted too. Your wife is probably like Disneyland (possibly manic/depressive) she's a hell of a lot of fun. But who wants to live there? Your daughter has an object lesson in what a wife should not be. She seems to very observant and a thinker. I don't think her mom will be a major influence on her in down the road. She has seen what destruction she has brought about and will not repeat it.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I have to disagree that my wife will have regrets in the future. She is one of those people who doesn't have regrets because she just doesn't have the ability for self evaluation. Her lack of emotional depth is hard for me to understand, she just doesn't look at things like a normal human being does. 

As far as her looks she is a beautiful woman, always mistaken for much younger than her age. She loved to be known as the party girl and from what I understand she is spending a lot of time with her brother and that gang at the local bars. But, I can already see the strain in her face, she is starting to look haggard. She stopped here at the house last night to get some things and for the first time since all this started she looked upset and stressed, to bad for her. 

And yea, my daughter is a lot like me. There have been times in the last couple of years when my daughter has acted like a mother to my wife, criticizing her for some embarrassing action, and boy would that piss my wife off! But mom has also hidden things from me so our daughter wouldn't get in trouble. Just recently my daughter told me she was going to spend the night at moms( my wife is suppose to be living at her parents house/they winter in Florida). At 9:30 my daughter was still home and I asked why, she said she was waiting for her boyfriend to get off work and she was going to see him for a while and then go to moms. So my scam alarm goes off, this was a Friday night and I know my wife spends the weekends with her boyfriend. So I ask my daughter if her mom is even going to be there, she says no. I told her she couldn't go and called my wife and read her the riot act. But I was the bad guy, and at eighteen my daughter looks at what mom lets her do and what dad doesn't . But my daughter is smart, and as she gains wisdom and maturity she will see who the good parent was(is).

Cooper


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You can't party hard when your 40 and it not show. Alcohol is as bad as sun for a woman's skin. I think her stresses will increase. The boyfriend is obviously not a committed partner like you were. I would wager they are pretty explosive together. Not great thinkers. It was one thing having cooper to hold down the fort, take care of the bills, hold things together. And she isn't one to worry about the details. The problem is the details are always there needing to be attended to.


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## Shelby (Nov 20, 2008)

I'm so glad for you Cooper!!! Take Care!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Thanks again everyone! I does feel good to come out from under that dark cloud. 

Now if I could get her to get the rest of her stuff out of the house things would be even better. I don't have any emotional pain seeing her stuff but it's aggravating for her to keep swinging by and taking bits and pieces. We are'nt fighting about material things I just want to be able to put some space between us. I have taken a lot of her misc. stuff and packed in boxes but she's crying about not having any place to store it. When we go to court to finalize things I will ask the judge to give her a date she must have everything out by. My buddy Scott said he would help me and we could take her stuff to her parents and leave it in the garage. Sounds like a good idea "BUT", #1 that would stick me with all the work which was typical of our marriage, and #2 until the judge makes things offical I am being nice, we have agreed to a settlement and I don't want to rock the boat and have to start over. 

Cooper


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

So today I get an e-mail from my wife asking if there are any changes that we need to make before we go to court. I am not sure what she means by that, our agreement was finished the thrid week of Nov. and neither one of us has brought it up since.

She also said she wants to set up a "schedule" to be able to spend time with our son who is 15. I told her in the begining she has free access to the kids any time she wants it, to date she has spent just over ten hours with our son (I have kept track) in the last two months. My guess is since we are three weeks away from our court date she wants to be able to tell the judge what a great mom she is because she schedules time to be with her child even though she is so busy. Whatever! But I will just stand there and keep my mouth shut. I really hope she does make more of an effort to spend time with the kids, I know they love their mom.

Cooper


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You're a details man coop. That's why we luv ya!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Your a good man! all the bad and you still hope for good for her!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would guess she is nervous and fishing to see if you are still okay with the agreement so there are no surprises in court. I'm glad you're planning to lay low. It shows that her insecurities right now are not founded and likely self-induced...maybe she's thinking about how she would feel if at this point if the roles were reversed.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

One thing my wife could never do is think how things would feel if the roles were reversed, her concerns are always self serving. She has no ability for self evaluation, no empathy, no consideration. I know I keep banging the same drum about her but I have never encountered another person in my life who is as emotionally shallow as her. I have said before I think she has Histrionic Personality Disorder. In the last few years her actions have escalated to the point that friends and even her own family have become concerned by her behavior. They keep saying she is having a really bad mid life crisis, and yes it is far worse now than when she was younger but she has always had these traits.

I can't believe I lived in such a one sided marriage for so long, and in the end she is the one that decided to end it. How much longer would I have tolerated living like this? Maybe I will send her a Thank You for wanting a divorce card when this is all over! 

Cooper


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

cooper, You have had the worst of it. Now just imagine being with someone who is loving, attentive, and not self centered. That's whats waiting for you out there. Imagine how happy you'll be.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You know for years I knew our marriage wasn't a normal relationship. People always loved my wife because she was so much fun, I really thought a lot of the problem was just the way I looked at things and that I expected to much from her, she told me this often. But that fun side that everyone loved so much was all she had, and if it wasn't fun she just didn't care. And you know what, marriage is a lot of work , hell life is a lot of work. I never minded putting in a lot of work and then having a little fun, and she never minded ME putting in a lot of work so SHE could have a LOT of fun! And she always lied about what she did do, and took credit for things she had no part of. There has been several concerned friends who think that now that my wife has moved out I will have trouble keeping up with things. In reality things have never been easier for me, her contributions were so little and her being here had such a negitive impact on our home that her being gone is a releif for me. 

You know as I reflect back over things I have posted on this site I wonder what people really think. I say this because I am a person who always looks at both sides of an issue, so I am sure people read my post and wonder what my part in all this really was. I am a very honest person and I also have a unique ability for self evaluation. I can't say anything more than my commitment to my marriage was always 100%, I would always do whatever it took to make things work, and I was always good to her. As unhappy as my wife made me I am not sure I would have ended things, part of the reason was I felt a responsibility to take care of her for life, and I am able to shoulder more of a burden than most so I just keep soldiering on. To find out for sure she was cheating on me was devastating, for her to admit she had fallen in love with another was incredibly painful. If I want to put a positive spin on this I can say what she has done finally gave me enough reason to break the emotional bond and responsibility I felt toward her. I guess she did enough damage that I can move on with a new life and have no regrets about leaving her behind. So in a strange twisted sort of reality she has finally done something good for me. I hope to find another love some day but right now I am really at piece with the way things are.

Cooper


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Cooper. Your wife is far to narcissistic to be in love with anyone but herself for long. The thrill will ware off quickly. She will look for the next guy to make her feel like she is the center of the world. You had a purpose in her life. She put up with you (ha,ha) because you allowed her to completely focus on her own wants. And you took care of everything else. Eventually even that was not enough. Your wife needs adoration. She needs a fan club. You are an exceptional person. She will not find another like you I am not saying you're bad, but you were an enabler. You are a fixer like me. When you find some wonderful woman and cook her dinner one night. And she tells you to "sit down and relax, I'll do the dishes" You will probably weep. Or if you tell her that you would like to go out Saturday morning but you really need to clean the house, and she says "I'll come over and help you" . There are women out there like that. My wife is one of them.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Jesus infortheduation, you made me about weep just thinking that some day someone will tell me to "sit down and relax". And you know what, I'm not sure I could just sit there and watch someone clean up a mess that I was partially responsible for making. I would want to help, but it would be oh so nice to have someone make the offer. 

One of the terms I use when talking about our marriage is I was a "necessary inconvenience" for my wife. Sad but true.

Cooper


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