# Wife falling out of love...



## Jones586

So I'm going to keep this short as possible but I am grateful for anyone who take the time to read it and any advice given. I am 30 and my wife is 28 years old, we have been married almost 5 years and have two young boys together.

About a month ago my wife has suddenly told me she has "fallen out of love" with me. She says she's been feeling this way for the past 6 months and that she has bottled it in from me. She says she loves me as the father of our two children but not as a husband anymore. She says it's impossible to make her feel differently and that she can't love me again like a husband. She says she wants a divorce and is in a hurry to do it, she wants to file this week. She has already talked to a lawyer and is getting paperwork together for that lawyer. She has agreed to counseling but says she knows it won't change her mind and is only going to go because it might bring closure to me. Her compromise to this is that she will go to counseling in the 30 days that I have to sign the divorce paperwork but she insists that the counseling is not going to change her mind. She says she knows in her heart that divorce is the right option.

Now in her defense I have a part in how she feels. Over the 5 years we have been married I have been emotionally distant and jaded toward her. I don't know why, I am a police officer and I believe it may have something to do with my job. Over the years she has said things to me about it but never made a big deal out of it, so I never took her concern seriously. She recommended counseling and I declined to go. Now that she has said she wants a divorce I have completely changed my tune, I'm more than willing to go to counseling and I have recognized and taken responsibility for my flaws and vow to change them. She says it's too little to late, what's done is done and there is no changing how she feels. She says she recognizes that I'm changing for the better but she can't believe that I won't go back to my old ways, she says even if it is genuine that she still feels how she feels and wants a divorce.

She has taken off her ring and thrown it in a drawer, she refuses to sleep in the same bed as me and she doesn't let me touch her. She says it make her feel uncomfortable when I try to hug, kiss, cuddle, etc. Yet every once in awhile she will come up and hug me or even kiss me on rarer occasion. We are civil with each other and hardly ever fight, she still will come up to me and show me funny jokes or tell me about her day at work. She will still ask about how my day at work was. To me it is like she is just trying to keep a friendship connection for the sake of our kids but I could be wrong.

I have done nice things like write a letter and printed out pictures of us throughout our marriage. Then on a later date I bought a card, flowers and gift. All these things she says makes her feel uncomfortable by me doing them.

Everyone in our family is against her decision of divorce, including her mom who she is extremely close with.

There are some red flags of cheating. She has been protective of her phone, stayed out late after work a few times, deletes messages in her phone and she suddenly has a passion of going out places with her girlfriends as of the past couple months. I highly doubt she is cheating, it is against everything she believes in but I can't prove she isn't. I have confronted her on it and she declines and becomes very defensive and is sick of everyone accusing her of it. I have given her the opportunity to admit privately if she was cheating or was even interested in someone else, she declines that it has to do with any other guy.

I have tried making plans to go out on dates with her or spend time with her and she just avoids it. She signs up for extra shifts at work on my days off or just declines to go. She says she doesn't want to do anything with me. When we are home together she keeps busy around the house and avoids spending time with me, she will often hide in the bathroom and play on her phone while I'm home.

So if anyone has been through a similar situation or just knows what I should do please help. It has only been a month of rejection but I is eating away at me. I am so tired of being rejected by her and pushed away.

Thank you.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Check the phone bill online. She is having an affair.


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## Andy1001

Jones586 said:


> So I'm going to keep this short as possible but I am grateful for anyone who take the time to read it and any advice given. I am 30 and my wife is 28 years old, we have been married almost 5 years and have two young boys together.
> 
> About a month ago my wife has suddenly told me she has "fallen out of love" with me. She says she's been feeling this way for the past 6 months and that she has bottled it in from me. She says she loves me as the father of our two children but not as a husband anymore. She says it's impossible to make her feel differently and that she can't love me again like a husband. She says she wants a divorce and is in a hurry to do it, she wants to file this week. She has already talked to a lawyer and is getting paperwork together for that lawyer. She has agreed to counseling but says she knows it won't change her mind and is only going to go because it might bring closure to me. Her compromise to this is that she will go to counseling in the 30 days that I have to sign the divorce paperwork but she insists that the counseling is not going to change her mind. She says she knows in her heart that divorce is the right option.
> 
> Now in her defense I have a part in how she feels. Over the 5 years we have been married I have been emotionally distant and jaded toward her. I don't know why, I am a police officer and I believe it may have something to do with my job. Over the years she has said things to me about it but never made a big deal out of it, so I never took her concern seriously. She recommended counseling and I declined to go. Now that she has said she wants a divorce I have completely changed my tune, I'm more than willing to go to counseling and I have recognized and taken responsibility for my flaws and vow to change them. She says it's too little to late, what's done is done and there is no changing how she feels. She says she recognizes that I'm changing for the better but she can't believe that I won't go back to my old ways, she says even if it is genuine that she still feels how she feels and wants a divorce.
> 
> She has taken off her ring and thrown it in a drawer, she refuses to sleep in the same bed as me and she doesn't let me touch her. She says it make her feel uncomfortable when I try to hug, kiss, cuddle, etc. Yet every once in awhile she will come up and hug me or even kiss me on rarer occasion. We are civil with each other and hardly ever fight, she still will come up to me and show me funny jokes or tell me about her day at work. She will still ask about how my day at work was. To me it is like she is just trying to keep a friendship connection for the sake of our kids but I could be wrong.
> 
> I have done nice things like write a letter and printed out pictures of us throughout our marriage. Then on a later date I bought a card, flowers and gift. All these things she says makes her feel uncomfortable by me doing them.
> 
> Everyone in our family is against her decision of divorce, including her mom who she is extremely close with.
> 
> There are some red flags of cheating. She has been protective of her phone, stayed out late after work a few times, deletes messages in her phone and she suddenly has a passion of going out places with her girlfriends as of the past couple months. I highly doubt she is cheating, it is against everything she believes in but I can't prove she isn't. I have confronted her on it and she declines and becomes very defensive and is sick of everyone accusing her of it. I have given her the opportunity to admit privately if she was cheating or was even interested in someone else, she declines that it has to do with any other guy.
> 
> I have tried making plans to go out on dates with her or spend time with her and she just avoids it. She signs up for extra shifts at work on my days off or just declines to go. She says she doesn't want to do anything with me. When we are home together she keeps busy around the house and avoids spending time with me, she will often hide in the bathroom and play on her phone while I'm home.
> 
> So if anyone has been through a similar situation or just knows what I should do please help. It has only been a month of rejection but I is eating away at me. I am so tired of being rejected by her and pushed away.
> 
> Thank you.


It's highly likely that your wife is cheating on you,either emotionally or physically.You are a police officer so it is time to go into detective mode and get confirmation one way or another.When a woman is having an affair with someone she feels that she loves,her having sex or any sort of intimacy with her husband feels to her like she is cheating on her lover.You need to stop pleading with her and look up the "180".
You don't say where you live but as a cop you have more ways of gathering information than most other people.
I will leave it at that.


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## Evinrude58

She's cheating. No doubt. Classic textbook case. 
Wants a divorce suddenly.
Doesn't love you.
Wants out fast.
Phone protected. Etc etc.

What to do:

It's gonna hurt.....
Divorce her. Do it as fast as possible. Why? Because it's going to happen whether you want it to or not, and if you do it NOW, sh may have enough guilt for you to get a fair divorce.
Protect yourself. Get a lawyer. Work with her as much as you can.

Don't wonder if she's cheating. She is. Your replacement is already present. She won't sleep with you or let you touch her for two reasons: she has lost all feelings for you and isn't attracted to you anymore, and doesn't want to be disloyal to her affair partner. Sick, twisted..... true.

I know it's going to be tough. Don't cry or plead or beg. It will just repulse her and steal your dignity.

Divorce now while she's in a hurry and get 50/50 custody of your kids.

I'm m sorry. Cheating she is. Absolute metaphysical certitude.

For you to say "it's against her beliefs" and "you don't think she is"....... welcome to the club nobody wants to belong to.

I've been through this. I can tell you how it will go, what she'll say when you find something..... "well it was never physical".

You are going to go through stages of grief. You're in the first part---- blaming yourself.
When you find out she cheated, you're going to be in shock and disbelief for a while... numbness to it.. Then anger. Be careful what you might do.
Then depression. Expect it. Don't succumb to it. Until you ACCEPT what has happened, that it wasn't your fault she cheated, and that you MUST move on, your state of mind won't improve. Yes, it's painful and will take months. When you accept it (hardest part), you'll get better much faster.

Don't try the save this, sir. Don't try to beg her back. Anything... I said ANYTHING you do to change her mind at this point will be taken the wrong way and will repulse her.
You'd have a better chance of getting her back (which is foolish-- she's a cheater) if you kicked her out tonight and told her she's trash. 

Mark my words. I've been there.
Very sorry.


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## Tobyboy

Cheating.....coworker likely.


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## Satya

One thing is for certain - she's checked out.

That means, no amount of groveling or change is going to have an ounce of impact.

I suggest you go file immediately. She doesn't want the marriage any longer, so why should you?


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## Evinrude58

Has she: purchased new underwear? Working out in gym or dieting in past 6 months? Sexual habits changed? Did a new position with you?
Started shaving or waxing? Dressing differently? 

There may be a couple of people here say she's a classic walk away wife, this was an exit affair, you were a bad husband and she finally made up her mind, etc, etc.

Either way, she cheated. The result is the same. Nothing you can do to change her mind. Only she can. As long as you chase her, she will run from you. 
The more you want her, the more she will be repulsed. 

Do this: Start working out. Consider talking to your doctor and tell him what's happened. Zoloft helped me through this. I took it for about 1 1/2 months. This will be the most painful experience of your life. Don't turn down help.
Only discuss this with two trusted friends, preferably relatives. A parent is good.
Don't wear your friends out with your story. Don't tell them about all her cheating. You will find out most likely eventually.

You CAN get through this. I did. Others have. You can, too.


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## Jones586

I'm pretty sure you are right.


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## Jones586

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Check the phone bill online. She is having an affair.


I'm afraid you are right. I checked her phone tonight and found some disturbing things but not 100% proof...


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## Jones586

Andy1001 said:


> It's highly likely that your wife is cheating on you,either emotionally or physically.You are a police officer so it is time to go into detective mode and get confirmation one way or another.When a woman is having an affair with someone she feels that she loves,her having sex or any sort of intimacy with her husband feels to her like she is cheating on her lover.You need to stop pleading with her and look up the "180".
> You don't say where you live but as a cop you have more ways of gathering information than most other people.
> I will leave it at that.


Unfortunately I cannot use my duty tools for personal use but I still can investigate and I have been. She has been really good at covering her tracks. She deletes her messages but to be fair she always has done that to save space in her phone. Tonight I checked her phone for the first time in our 5 years of marriage. I found her telling her mom to make excuses to not be able to watch our kids so I can go on a date with her because being alone with me "makes her skin crawl". Then I phone little lovey memes in her phone saying things like "Cant wait to say goodnight when we both go to sleep on the same bed, under one roof, have our meal on our dining table, and to lay down cuddling on our couch". I can't see who she sent them to but there is someone.. I'm pretty sure I know who it is. He is a security guard at her work. I have worked with him on duty and he knows me and he knows she's my wife... I have to keep my cool to keep my job..which will be difficult..

I have not confronted her on it yet. We have counseling set up to be in a few days. I don't know if i should just go ahead and confront her when she gets home tomorrow or just wait.. She has also been very civil about things when we do talk about divorce, I don't want that to change. 

To be completely honest I love her so much that I could forgive this. She obviously would have to come back to me for me to do that but I know that is not what is going to happen when I confront her.

I just don't know what to do, this is overwhelming...


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## Jones586

Tobyboy said:


> Cheating.....coworker likely.


I don't have 100% proof but my suspicion is that it is a co-worker..


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## Rick Blaine

Evinrude is correct. All the tell tale signs of cheating are there. I am sorry.

This is a text book case of cheating, and your wife has chosen to break up her family for another man. Sounds like a workplace affair with a man who does well financially, but who knows. At the very least she is having an affair.

Do not ask her about it and don't show your hand because she will lie. Snoop a little more so that you can verify your suspicions. If you can put spyware on her phone, do it asap. Consider putting a VAR in places she has her private moments: in her car, under the bed, etc. If you can afford a PI, hire one. Follow her around. It won't take long. 

Once you confirm infidelity you have to expose the affair to friends and family of you, your wife, and the other man. 

Be assertive. No tears, no begging, no suffocating. A soon as you are able to verify her infidelity let us know.


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## Jones586

Evinrude58 said:


> Has she: purchased new underwear? Working out in gym or dieting in past 6 months? Sexual habits changed? Did a new position with you?
> Started shaving or waxing? Dressing differently?
> 
> There may be a couple of people here say she's a classic walk away wife, this was an exit affair, you were a bad husband and she finally made up her mind, etc, etc.
> 
> Either way, she cheated. The result is the same. Nothing you can do to change her mind. Only she can. As long as you chase her, she will run from you.
> The more you want her, the more she will be repulsed.
> 
> Do this: Start working out. Consider talking to your doctor and tell him what's happened. Zoloft helped me through this. I took it for about 1 1/2 months. This will be the most painful experience of your life. Don't turn down help.
> Only discuss this with two trusted friends, preferably relatives. A parent is good.
> Don't wear your friends out with your story. Don't tell them about all her cheating. You will find out most likely eventually.
> 
> You CAN get through this. I did. Others have. You can, too.


She hasn't changed much as far as the things you listed. But i'm about 75% sure she is cheating. Especially with what I found in her phone tonight, I found a screenshot of a meme that says "Cant wait to say goodnight when we both go to sleep on the same bed, under one roof, have our meal on our dining table, and to lay down cuddling on our couch" then another one that says "Sometimes when you meet someone you just click. I don't believe in love at first sight, but I sure believe in the click" Don't know who she sent it to but there is obviously someone.

I haven't confronted her on what I found in her phone yet and I don't know when I should. I almost feel like I should wait around and collect more evidence. If I confront her she is just going to deny it and do better at covering her tracks. I kinda want 100% evidence before I call her out but maybe calling her out now would get her to admit it. Unfortunately I have been chasing at begging and she even says its pushing her away. This is so painful I didn't know what else to do.

I am capable of forgiving her if she shows true remorse and drops it but I'm afraid she wont even when I have 100% proof that it is happening.


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## Jones586

Rick Blaine said:


> Evinrude is correct. All the tell tale signs of cheating are there. I am sorry.
> 
> This is a text book case of cheating, and your wife has chosen to break up her family for another man. Sounds like a workplace affair with a man who does well financially, but who knows. At the very least she is having an affair.
> 
> Do not ask her about it and don't show your hand because she will lie. Snoop a little more so that you can verify your suspicions. If you can put spyware on her phone, do it asap. Consider putting a VAR in places she has her private moments: in her car, under the bed, etc. If you can afford a PI, hire one. Follow her around. It won't take long.
> 
> Once you confirm infidelity you have to expose the affair to friends and family of you, your wife, and the other man.
> 
> Be assertive. No tears, no begging, no suffocating. A soon as you are able to verify her infidelity let us know.


Well I did some snooping and found some interesting things in her phone. I found her telling her mom to make excuses to not watch the kids so we can't go out on dates. She told her mom I make her "skin crawl" when she's alone with me or when I touch her. Then in her photos I found screenshots of memes that say things like "Can't wait to say goodnight when we both go to sleep on the same bed, under one roof, have our meal on our dining table, and to lay down cuddling on our couch" then another one that says "Sometimes when you meet someone you just click. I don't believe in love at first sight, but I sure believe in the click" Don't know who she sent it to but there is obviously someone.

I don't know if I should wait until I have more proof to confront her or if I should confront her now. She might admit it if I confront her again but it might not be enough. 

Like I said in other responses I am capable of forgiving her if she were to show true remorse and come back to me. Chances are that even if she admits it to cheating she won't have remorse, she will stick to her guns so I don't know what to do. Exposing it will make her look bad but that's about all it will accomplish. I do know that down the road I will not hide the fact that she cheated when people ask why we split. 

This f**king sucks that's all I can say, the pain is unbearable..


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## Jones586

Evinrude58 said:


> She's cheating. No doubt. Classic textbook case.
> Wants a divorce suddenly.
> Doesn't love you.
> Wants out fast.
> Phone protected. Etc etc.
> 
> What to do:
> 
> It's gonna hurt.....
> Divorce her. Do it as fast as possible. Why? Because it's going to happen whether you want it to or not, and if you do it NOW, sh may have enough guilt for you to get a fair divorce.
> Protect yourself. Get a lawyer. Work with her as much as you can.
> 
> Don't wonder if she's cheating. She is. Your replacement is already present. She won't sleep with you or let you touch her for two reasons: she has lost all feelings for you and isn't attracted to you anymore, and doesn't want to be disloyal to her affair partner. Sick, twisted..... true.
> 
> I know it's going to be tough. Don't cry or plead or beg. It will just repulse her and steal your dignity.
> 
> Divorce now while she's in a hurry and get 50/50 custody of your kids.
> 
> I'm m sorry. Cheating she is. Absolute metaphysical certitude.
> 
> For you to say "it's against her beliefs" and "you don't think she is"....... welcome to the club nobody wants to belong to.
> 
> I've been through this. I can tell you how it will go, what she'll say when you find something..... "well it was never physical".
> 
> You are going to go through stages of grief. You're in the first part---- blaming yourself.
> When you find out she cheated, you're going to be in shock and disbelief for a while... numbness to it.. Then anger. Be careful what you might do.
> Then depression. Expect it. Don't succumb to it. Until you ACCEPT what has happened, that it wasn't your fault she cheated, and that you MUST move on, your state of mind won't improve. Yes, it's painful and will take months. When you accept it (hardest part), you'll get better much faster.
> 
> Don't try the save this, sir. Don't try to beg her back. Anything... I said ANYTHING you do to change her mind at this point will be taken the wrong way and will repulse her.
> You'd have a better chance of getting her back (which is foolish-- she's a cheater) if you kicked her out tonight and told her she's trash.
> 
> Mark my words. I've been there.
> Very sorry.


Unfortunately I have lost some of my dignity by begging and pleading. It is difficult for me not to because it's natural to me to do that when I'm about to lose something I love dearly. I have denied her cheating but I snooped her phone tonight and got just a little bit more evidence that she is, but not 100%. I posted what I found in the other replies. I really want 100% evidence before I confront her but I don't know if I will get it and I don't know if I can keep my mouth shut while I wait for that evidence to come up.

Should I go the aggressive route and kick her out when I decide to confront her? I'm not sure if that will be good or bad especially since so far she has agreed to go after less child support that the state mandates and has agreed to not rape me of everything financially. As much as she is in the wrong here she has the upper hand when it comes to the court system and divorce.


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## Tobyboy

Jones586 said:


> Unfortunately I cannot use my duty tools for personal use but I still can investigate and I have been. She has been really good at covering her tracks. She deletes her messages but to be fair she always has done that to save space in her phone. Tonight I checked her phone for the first time in our 5 years of marriage. I found her telling her mom to make excuses to not be able to watch our kids so I can go on a date with her because being alone with me "makes her skin crawl". Then I phone little lovey memes in her phone saying things like "Cant wait to say goodnight when we both go to sleep on the same bed, under one roof, have our meal on our dining table, and to lay down cuddling on our couch". I can't see who she sent them to but there is someone.. I'm pretty sure I know who it is. He is a security guard at her work. I have worked with him on duty and he knows me and he knows she's my wife... I have to keep my cool to keep my job..which will be difficult..
> 
> I have not confronted her on it yet. We have counseling set up to be in a few days. *I don't know if i should just go ahead and confront her when she gets home tomorrow or just wait.*. She has also been very civil about things when we do talk about divorce, I don't want that to change.
> 
> To be completely honest I love her so much that I could forgive this. She obviously would have to come back to me for me to do that but I know that is not what is going to happen when I confront her.
> 
> I just don't know what to do, this is overwhelming...


Where is your wife at now and how did you get her phone?


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## hylton7

yes go the aggressive route exposed her at work as well.


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## Jones586

Tobyboy said:


> Where is your wife at now and how did you get her phone?


She is sleeping on the couch and she left her phone on the charger.


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## Jones586

hylton7 said:


> yes go the aggressive route exposed her at work as well.


I think I need more proof before I do that. I look at it this way, if cheating was a crime I wouldn't have enough evidence to prove her guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. Right now i only have reasonable suspicion.


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## Tatsuhiko

Talk to a lawyer, without her knowledge, to see if you live in a state that frowns upon infidelity. If you do live in such a state, you might be able to get divorce terms that are more favorable to you. In this case, you should hire a private investigator to gather evidence of infidelity.

If you live in a "no fault" state (one that doesn't take infidelity into account during a divorce settlement), then I would go ahead and get your wife to sign favorable terms now. 

Once she signs, you can expose to whoever you want. If the security guard is married or has a girlfriend, she's the one you'd want to expose it to. This will probably cause the end of the affair and leave your wife in a position where she is more open to reconciliation with you. Her family might serve a role in shaming her as well. 

Whatever you do, do not grovel or beg anymore. This causes her to lose respect for you and makes you less attractive in her eyes. Man up, be independent, show her that your life will continue happily without her. Hide your hurt. No more kisses or hugs. In fact, start spending more time away from the house so that she can feel what life is like without you to fall back on. I'd wager that the groveling resulted in the "skin crawling" feeling she now claims to have.


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## arbitrator

*Hell yes, she's cheating!

Anytime that you receive the ILYBINILWY platitude or "You're a great father to our kids but not a husband to me," you can bet your sweet a$$ that she's been rather busy spreading her thighs over in some other man's boudoir and then bringing his seed home with her and laying down with it in her right there in the midst of your abode!

"180 her" immediately and get yourself to a good detective, then to a good family attorney's office, and also have your MD check you out for the presence of STD's!

One thing is for certain: she's cheating and lying her skanky a$$ off about it!*


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## arbitrator

Jones586 said:


> I think I need more proof before I do that. I look at it this way, if cheating was a crime I wouldn't have enough evidence to prove her guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. Right now i only have reasonable suspicion.


*Good news! In a divorce courtroom, your legal standard is simply going to be "preponderance of the evidence!"

Not "guilty beyond a reasonable doubt!" I'm sorry but that ubiquitous legal standard is strictly for both criminal and traffic courts!*


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## Satya

I hope you saved the text evidence somewhere safe and off-site.

Are you in a no fault state?
If so, just go file. Be done with her. 

She's already rewriting your marital history in her head and telling her AP you are one, giant ****lord. Trust me. It's textbook cheaterdo.


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## Fishnbuddy

Evinrude 58 summed it all up!!! Now do it give her The divorce please you by your first now like hurry be there platiff not the defender as I was I lost it all see a lawyer beat her to the drawl


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Don't Panic

Do not confront or expose....yet. She will easily explain those memes by lying that she "found them for a girlfriend, who wanted to send something sweet to her new bf". You just don't have enough solid evidence, but you will, if you can keep your composure for a bit longer. I know it is achingly difficult, you can do it. 

Go back and read @Evinrude58 's posts carefully....succinct, easy to implement, wealth of info from someone who has walked this path. Your plan of action is right there. Use this time (and her guilt) to get a divorce agreement that is favorable to YOU. 

Sorry that you are here.


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## aine

Jones586 said:


> So I'm going to keep this short as possible but I am grateful for anyone who take the time to read it and any advice given. I am 30 and my wife is 28 years old, we have been married almost 5 years and have two young boys together.
> 
> About a month ago my wife has suddenly told me she has "fallen out of love" with me. She says she's been feeling this way for the past 6 months and that she has bottled it in from me. She says she loves me as the father of our two children but not as a husband anymore. She says it's impossible to make her feel differently and that she can't love me again like a husband. She says she wants a divorce and is in a hurry to do it, she wants to file this week. She has already talked to a lawyer and is getting paperwork together for that lawyer. She has agreed to counseling but says she knows it won't change her mind and is only going to go because it might bring closure to me. Her compromise to this is that she will go to counseling in the 30 days that I have to sign the divorce paperwork but she insists that the counseling is not going to change her mind. She says she knows in her heart that divorce is the right option.
> 
> Now in her defense I have a part in how she feels. Over the 5 years we have been married I have been emotionally distant and jaded toward her. I don't know why, I am a police officer and I believe it may have something to do with my job. Over the years she has said things to me about it but never made a big deal out of it, so I never took her concern seriously. She recommended counseling and I declined to go. Now that she has said she wants a divorce I have completely changed my tune, I'm more than willing to go to counseling and I have recognized and taken responsibility for my flaws and vow to change them. She says it's too little to late, what's done is done and there is no changing how she feels. She says she recognizes that I'm changing for the better but she can't believe that I won't go back to my old ways, she says even if it is genuine that she still feels how she feels and wants a divorce.
> 
> She has taken off her ring and thrown it in a drawer, she refuses to sleep in the same bed as me and she doesn't let me touch her. She says it make her feel uncomfortable when I try to hug, kiss, cuddle, etc. Yet every once in awhile she will come up and hug me or even kiss me on rarer occasion. We are civil with each other and hardly ever fight, she still will come up to me and show me funny jokes or tell me about her day at work. She will still ask about how my day at work was. To me it is like she is just trying to keep a friendship connection for the sake of our kids but I could be wrong.
> 
> I have done nice things like write a letter and printed out pictures of us throughout our marriage. Then on a later date I bought a card, flowers and gift. All these things she says makes her feel uncomfortable by me doing them.
> 
> Everyone in our family is against her decision of divorce, including her mom who she is extremely close with.
> 
> There are some red flags of cheating. She has been protective of her phone, stayed out late after work a few times, deletes messages in her phone and she suddenly has a passion of going out places with her girlfriends as of the past couple months. I highly doubt she is cheating, it is against everything she believes in but I can't prove she isn't. I have confronted her on it and she declines and becomes very defensive and is sick of everyone accusing her of it. I have given her the opportunity to admit privately if she was cheating or was even interested in someone else, she declines that it has to do with any other guy.
> 
> I have tried making plans to go out on dates with her or spend time with her and she just avoids it. She signs up for extra shifts at work on my days off or just declines to go. She says she doesn't want to do anything with me. When we are home together she keeps busy around the house and avoids spending time with me, she will often hide in the bathroom and play on her phone while I'm home.
> 
> So if anyone has been through a similar situation or just knows what I should do please help. It has only been a month of rejection but I is eating away at me. I am so tired of being rejected by her and pushed away.
> 
> Thank you.



There are cheating wives and there are walk away wives. I thought maybe the latter but if there are signs of cheating and you have young kids I suspect she is cheating, hence the rush to divorce. WAW normally happen much later in the marriage and after years and years of mulling over the problems, she is seeing someone else, she is 28 and thinks she can make a go of it. Yes you have contributed to the scenario with neglect, but there is no excuse for cheating.
1. Go into stealth mode, do not confront or put her on notice you suspect something, var her car, check the phone bills, use the information on this site. You are a police officer so can figure it out. You must collect more evidence and find out who it is. If he has a wife, expose to his wife immediately
2. When you have collected enough solid proof of what she is doing then make sure you keep it in a safe place
3. The expose her to family, friends, her parents and to the OM's wife, (blow up his world)
4. Go and see a lawyer and know what your rights are and the financial scenario and custody of the kids. Speaking with a lawyer, will give you more knowledge on how to handle things so that you do not lose out
5. File for divorce, papers can be retracted later
6. You say you could forgive her as you know you were neglectful of her. R is possible but not until you know the truth and she is completely and utterly remorseful, in this case it may never happen, so do not get your hopes up. She is in an affair fog, do the 180 on her, no engagement about feelings, emotions, no begging, let her wonder what you are up to, go out with friends, keep yourself occupied.

Yes this is very painful and hard to handle, but you can, go to the gym, go out with friends, get IC if possible to handle the emotional stuff. Do not let her know what you are up to.


----------



## Herschel

Stop dude. Don't expose her, don't fight with her. Don't do anything to win her back. I am sure the years together with you and likely the effect from your job has worn on her. The cheating is just a side effect in the case. She has likely been *****ing and moaning about you for years and this guy found the right chance to poke a hole.

You have a best option and a lot of not as good to terrible options. Best option is you being completely calm, rational and unemotional with her. Agree to divorce and be able to split up your assets equally and fairly. Then spend the next 15 years raising your kids alongside her amicably and happily, find someone new, learn from your mistakes and treat her well.

Any deviation from that will likely only result in more stress, animosity, less time with your kids, more time longing after her or a whole other myriad of unacceptable feelings or results. The best option may not be your favorite thing to do right now, but it will be the best thing for your life over all.


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## pantriste

@Jones586 I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I' ve been exactly there past december. 

I'm on the other end of the world (Buenos Aires) and it's remarcable how similar our stories are.

There's definitely another man, in my case OM was a coworker, as it seems to be in yours.

You've been told right, there's nothing you can do to stop this, she is in love and that is a mechanism you are not capable of stop.
So strong it is that even knowing how they had wronged us we still love them. So no point in trying to stop the divorce.

My XWW asked me for attending marital counceling. First I refused because I saw no reason to spend 600 bucks per month thinking we had a good and healthy marriage but then I accepted to go. She went the very first time and then I continued to go alone. She never showed again. I know she expected me to refuse so she could tell everyone she tried to save our marriage but it was me the one that refused to attend MC. They plot everything to save their name and honor because they know what the are doing is wrong.

One thing you should know (it took 3 professionals for me to understand it) you WEREN'T a bad husband. You are just human with flaws (like me, like everyone else) and she felt in love with your flaws once, so I'm sure they are part of a great personality and you compensate those with a lot virtues. You didn't give credit to her complains because they weren't such a big deal and if they were she was unable to make you see them that way. She is shifting the blame to you, don't play that game. She will find any defect you have and exagerate it as an excuse to justify for the behaviour and lack of character.

And don't feel bad for having cried o begged. It's just the normal reaction of a man with feelings. 

Sorry for my poor English.


----------



## Marc878

Trying to nice her back and doing the "pick me dance" won't get you much. Talking is useless in these situations. You're only hope is to get the evidence. Voice Activated Recorder in her car is a good bet.

Do not confront without evidence.

Do full exposure ASAP. Exposure should be done without warning all at once.

Better get moving


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## Married but Happy

Even if you find proof and expose, I suspect she wants out regardless. Just file and see what happens. I don't believe in trying to keep someone around if they don't want to stay, as one or both of you will probably regret it eventually.


----------



## oldshirt

Jones586 said:


> I think I need more proof before I do that. I look at it this way, if cheating was a crime I wouldn't have enough evidence to prove her guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. Right now i only have reasonable suspicion.


OK, lets deal with reality here. She is involved with someone else. We all knew that with very little question from your first post. Once you found that stuff on her, that is proof that her affections lay with someone else. 

This is not a crime and she is not being charged with a criminal act in a court of law. You do not need 'Beyond Reasonable Doubt" here. All you need is - "I-know-she-did-it."


----------



## oldshirt

OK so now you know there is another man in her life. You know being with you and you touching her makes her skin crawl. And you know that she wants a divorce and wants to make it as fast as possible. So what do you do now???

You get a good family law attorney as soon as the offices open up tomorrow and you move fast to protect your assets, finances, property etc etc

Worry about the OM and worry about who you are going to confront and how etc later. 

First step is to circle your wagons and protect yourself so that she does not empty out the bank accounts, take off with the kids and have your name taken off the cars and house while you are thumbing through her phone looking for absolute proof of her infidelity. 

She has a big head start on you and is several steps ahead of her here. You are under attack so you need to take an immediate tactical defensive position to prevent further harm. 

Once you have secured a defensive position and are not taking any further losses, then you can reassess and formulate an offensive strategy and plan. 

Your first order of business here at the moment though is to realize you are under attack, realize she is making plans to leave you and take as much "stuff" with her as possible, so your first step here is defensive to protect your assets so she doesn't drain the accounts, pack up the kids and head off to God knows where with you still sitting in the bleachers wondering what just happened.


----------



## oldshirt

aine said:


> There are cheating wives and there are walk away wives. I thought maybe the latter but if there are signs of cheating and you have young kids I suspect she is cheating, hence the rush to divorce. WAW normally happen much later in the marriage and after years and years of mulling over the problems, she is seeing someone else, she is 28 and thinks she can make a go of it. Yes you have contributed to the scenario with neglect, but there is no excuse for cheating.
> 1. Go into stealth mode, do not confront or put her on notice you suspect something, var her car, check the phone bills, use the information on this site. You are a police officer so can figure it out. You must collect more evidence and find out who it is. If he has a wife, expose to his wife immediately
> 2. When you have collected enough solid proof of what she is doing then make sure you keep it in a safe place
> 3. The expose her to family, friends, her parents and to the OM's wife, (blow up his world)
> 4. Go and see a lawyer and know what your rights are and the financial scenario and custody of the kids. Speaking with a lawyer, will give you more knowledge on how to handle things so that you do not lose out
> 5. File for divorce, papers can be retracted later
> 6. You say you could forgive her as you know you were neglectful of her. R is possible but not until you know the truth and she is completely and utterly remorseful, in this case it may never happen, so do not get your hopes up. She is in an affair fog, do the 180 on her, no engagement about feelings, emotions, no begging, let her wonder what you are up to, go out with friends, keep yourself occupied.
> 
> Yes this is very painful and hard to handle, but you can, go to the gym, go out with friends, get IC if possible to handle the emotional stuff. Do not let her know what you are up to.



Only focus on #4. right now. 

The rest can wait until you are in a position where you have a solid game plan in place.

She wants to move fast on this and she is relying on you doing the "Pick Me Dance" and trying to win her while she makes her plans and does her preparations. 

He/she who gets to the lawyer first and has all their legal and financial ducks in a row first is usually the one in the best negotiating position. 

Worry about VARs and exposures and potential reconciliations etc AFTER you have yourself legally and financially protected and after you have a divorce game plan in place. 

Divorce proceedings can be canceled at any time before the judges gavel comes down and the final decree is signed so don't worry about going over some point of no return if you get a lawyer and file the proper paperwork.


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## Malaise

Married but Happy said:


> Even if you find proof and expose, I suspect she wants out regardless. Just file and see what happens. *I don't believe in trying to keep someone around if they don't want to stay, *as one or both of you will probably regret it eventually.


She wants to file, don't stand in her way.


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## oldshirt

And just for future reference for everyone, here are the reasons women of childbearing age with young children leave the fathers of their children - 

1. physical and/or sexual abuse of the children by the father. 

2. physical abuse (usually pretty extreme) of her by the father.

3. Extreme alcoholism/drug addiction of the father. 

4. Chronic and total unemployment with refusal to seek work (for years). 

5. Continuous and completely unrepentant infidelity by the father (often for years). 

6. Complete and total abandonment without any form of personal or financial support (for years) by the father. 

7. Wife falling for another man. 


That's pretty much it. that is pretty much an exhaustive list of the reasons that a mother of young children will leave and divorce the father of her children. 

And most of those things listed must be in a chronic and extreme form over a period of years before she pulls the plug. 

Notice that things like 'emotional distance', "failure to do dishes or take out garbage", "too much time with hobbies or buddies" etc etc did not make the list. 

All you have to do is take a look at the abuse and mistreatment of women who are not in affairs endure and you will see that it takes pretty extreme bad behavior to get a mother with small children to actually pack up and divorce. 

Middle aged women who's children are teens or older will pack up and leave for things like lack of emotional connection or too much time with hobbies/buddies and will leave for one-off affair of the husband. 

But young mothers with very children leave the husbands of their children for either extreme abuse/addiction/abandonment by the husband or they leave if there is another man that is tripping their triggers and offering to take them full time. 

If a young wife and mother of young children is packing up her stuff and the husband is doing any of those other things on a chronic and extreme bases - then there is another man. 

It can be an actual diagnosis by exclusion. If the H isn't doing any of those things - then it is another man, even if there is no direct evidence at the time such as phone logs, emails, pictures etc.


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## Rick Blaine

Jones,

I am sorry you are going through this pain. Many of us have been through it so we understand. You must rise above your emotions and be strategic about this, brother. 

1) Dig deeper. You have scratched the surface with your intel, but no smoking gun. Continue to snoop. Use a VAR and if you can put spyware on her phone. Be patient and do NOT let on that you have an idea she is having an affair. If you are assertive you will get the info you need.

2) Play it cool with your wife. Again, begging and crying will put her off more.

3) The reason you expose is not to punish her. Exposure is your best chance at killing the affair. If you wish to recover your marriage, it all starts will killing the affair. As long as she is in a relationship with another man, you have zero chance. But when the fantasy bubble is popped by exposure, it becomes harder to carry out the affair.

4) If you decide to divorce, damn the financial consequences. There is life after divorce and you will recover over time. I don't believe in divorce, yet I divorced my spouse because she had a perpetual cheating heart. Now she is someone else's problem and I am not eating her $hi+ sandwiches anymore. My life is so much better without her.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

OP, you have access to her phone which is perfect. Software exists to recover all the deleted messages. Do not tip your hat to what you have found. You need a copy of all these messages. No matter what road is ultimately taken (divorce or reconciliation) you need these messages to know the truth. She as a cheater will lie through her teeth. Don't be fooled, they all lie. Lying is the definition of cheating.

With a texting record of what occurred should you ultimately divorce the text record will show she was having an affair and divorced you because she is a cheater. That will be useful when she brings the other man around and tries to introduce him as someone she met after leaving you. If you had no children you might not care but with children you, your friends and all the family have a right to know what she did and what kind of people her and her new found love truly are.

With a texting record you can also blow up the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy and darkness, much like cockroaches. Shine a light on them they all scatter. This affair may scatter too. her affair partner is probably married or has a gf. Exposing the affair might make him dump her or she may run home in shame. Either way you can decide if reconciliation is worth it.

Either way having phone access is a gift. Use it to the max. Don't tilt your card hand by exposing too soon. Get all your cards in a row. Get the texts, save them to the cloud where she cannot delete. See a lawyer. Then file and expose all at once. She brought up divorce first. She cannot cry it came out of nowhere. By following my advice you for the first time will have control of the situation. She has kept you in the dark long enough about what is really going on. Time to shine some light in the situation.


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## Jones586

arbitrator said:


> *Good news! In a divorce courtroom, your legal standard is simply going to be "preponderance of the evidence!"
> 
> Not "guilty beyond a reasonable doubt!" I'm sorry but that ubiquitous legal standard is strictly for both criminal and traffic courts!*


True but it was just my own personal standard I was talking about before confronting her. After I posted this last night I accidently left it open on the computer, she saw this entire thread and read it. She admitted there is another guy but claims it's only been a few weeks and nothing physical has happened. I don't buy it but it doesn't matter, cheating is cheating.


----------



## pantriste

Jones586 said:


> True but it was just my own personal standard I was talking about before confronting her. After I posted this last night I accidently left it open on the computer, she saw this entire thread and read it. She admitted there is another guy but claims it's only been a few weeks and nothing physical has happened. I don't buy it but it doesn't matter, cheating is cheating.


 @jone586 The moment she didn't let you touch her she was physical with OM. In their heads they are faithful if they are only with one man at a time, no matter if that man is their husband or not.

Believe me I've been there few months ago.


----------



## arbitrator

Jones586 said:


> True but it was just my own personal standard I was talking about before confronting her. After I posted this last night I accidently left it open on the computer, she saw this entire thread and read it. She admitted there is another guy but claims it's only been a few weeks and nothing physical has happened. I don't buy it but it doesn't matter, cheating is cheating.


*Trust me, Jonesey!

The scope of a few weeks, you say? It's happened already!

Mama didn't raise no fool!*


----------



## Jones586

pantriste said:


> @Jones586 I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I' ve been exactly there past december.
> 
> I'm on the other end of the world (Buenos Aires) and it's remarcable how similar our stories are.
> 
> There's definitely another man, in my case OM was a coworker, as it seems to be in yours.
> 
> You've been told right, there's nothing you can do to stop this, she is in love and that is a mechanism you are not capable of stop.
> So strong it is that even knowing how they had wronged us we still love them. So no point in trying to stop the divorce.
> 
> My XWW asked me for attending marital counceling. First I refused because I saw no reason to spend 600 bucks per month thinking we had a good and healthy marriage but then I accepted to go. She went the very first time and then I continued to go alone. She never showed again. I know she expected me to refuse so she could tell everyone she tried to save our marriage but it was me the one that refused to attend MC. They plot everything to save their name and honor because they know what the are doing is wrong.
> 
> One thing you should know (it took 3 professionals for me to understand it) you WEREN'T a bad husband. You are just human with flaws (like me, like everyone else) and she felt in love with your flaws once, so I'm sure they are part of a great personality and you compensate those with a lot virtues. You didn't give credit to her complains because they weren't such a big deal and if they were she was unable to make you see them that way. She is shifting the blame to you, don't play that game. She will find any defect you have and exagerate it as an excuse to justify for the behaviour and lack of character.
> 
> And don't feel bad for having cried o begged. It's just the normal reaction of a man with feelings.
> 
> Sorry for my poor English.


 @pantriste Yes so she ended up finding this forum post because I accidently left it up. She admitted there is another man but says it's only been a few weeks and never has been physical. I don't buy it but it doesn't really matter at this point.

Your story does sound very similar, she does have some legit complaints of my past behavior but nothing to justify divorce, especially now that I'm willing to fix those issues. She also told me today that she filed last week so it's happening.


----------



## Jones586

oldshirt said:


> OK so now you know there is another man in her life. You know being with you and you touching her makes her skin crawl. And you know that she wants a divorce and wants to make it as fast as possible. So what do you do now???
> 
> You get a good family law attorney as soon as the offices open up tomorrow and you move fast to protect your assets, finances, property etc etc
> 
> Worry about the OM and worry about who you are going to confront and how etc later.
> 
> First step is to circle your wagons and protect yourself so that she does not empty out the bank accounts, take off with the kids and have your name taken off the cars and house while you are thumbing through her phone looking for absolute proof of her infidelity.
> 
> She has a big head start on you and is several steps ahead of her here. You are under attack so you need to take an immediate tactical defensive position to prevent further harm.
> 
> Once you have secured a defensive position and are not taking any further losses, then you can reassess and formulate an offensive strategy and plan.
> 
> Your first order of business here at the moment though is to realize you are under attack, realize she is making plans to leave you and take as much "stuff" with her as possible, so your first step here is defensive to protect your assets so she doesn't drain the accounts, pack up the kids and head off to God knows where with you still sitting in the bleachers wondering what just happened.


Well she ended up reading this forum thread and then admitted to there being another guy. The state we got married in (Missouri) is a no fault state. She already filed last week and she is being extremely civil with the splitting of everything. 

I guess we will see how this goes..


----------



## Jones586

Thank you all for the responses. So today she woke me up early this morning after I forgot to close this page and she read the entire thread. She called into work and wanted to talk. She admitted to me that there is another man but claims it's has not been physical and it's only been going on for a few weeks. I think she is lying, especially about the physical part. Either way she said she is emotionally attached to him. She insists he has nothing to do with how she feels. I call bs but what does it matter at this point.

Sadly I'm still willing to forgive her, I guess I just love her way to damn much, I'm working on letting go.. She is showing some remorse but not very much. Claims she will cut ties with him "for now". We have counseling set up but she still has the mindset that it's a waste of time, it's free so no reason not to go I suppose. 

Sounds like this divorce is going to happen, she also informed me that she filed last week. She is being extremely civil about finances and property so far, so that is good. I live in a no fault state and am thinking to use the same lawyer she is using unless we start disagreeing on things.

The road ahead will be painful but sounds like many of you got through it just fine.


----------



## SunCMars

Expose the facts to everyone. Do not let her re-write the marriage truth.

I guess she did you a favor. She stepped out of your life by cheating with a man who slept with a married women.
They deserve each other.

You deserve better.


----------



## pantriste

Jones586 said:


> Thank you all for the responses. So today she woke me up early this morning after I forgot to close this page and she read the entire thread. She called into work and wanted to talk. She admitted to me that there is another man but claims it's has not been physical and it's only been going on for a few weeks. I think she is lying, especially about the physical part. Either way she said she is emotionally attached to him. She insists he has nothing to do with how she feels. I call bs but what does it matter at this point.
> 
> Sadly I'm still willing to forgive her, I guess I just love her way to damn much, I'm working on letting go.. She is showing some remorse but not very much. Claims she will cut ties with him "for now". We have counseling set up but she still has the mindset that it's a waste of time, it's free so no reason not to go I suppose.
> 
> Sounds like this divorce is going to happen, she also informed me that she filed last week. She is being extremely civil about finances and property so far, so that is good. I live in a no fault state and am thinking to use the same lawyer she is using unless we start disagreeing on things.
> 
> The road ahead will be painful but sounds like many of you got through it just fine.


Again, it's remarkable how similar our stories are!

My XWW told me OM had nothing to do with her decission. I didn't believe it. If she wants a divorce let her have it. It's painful but it's a piece of paper anyway. 

As you said there is nothing on your behaviour that would lead her to divorce. This is not about you, it's about her.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

So you are giving up without a fight. Change your ringtone to Hank Williams's "My Son Calls Another Man Daddy" . 

Sorry this is happening to you. Your choice on how you want to proceed.


----------



## Jones586

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> So you are giving up without a fight. Change your ringtone to Hank Williams's "My Son Calls Another Man Daddy" .
> 
> Sorry this is happening to you. Your choice on how you want to proceed.



Giving up without a fight? How so? How do I fight this? She has given up on our marriage, if only one person is fighting it will never get better.


----------



## Jones586

SunCMars said:


> Expose the facts to everyone. Do not let her re-write the marriage truth.
> 
> I guess she did you a favor. She stepped out of your life by cheating with a man who slept with a married women.
> They deserve each other.
> 
> You deserve better.


Yes she shows concern for everyone knowing that she cheated but oh well. I could keep it secret if she decided to be truly sorry and actually commit to the marriage but I'm not walking away from the divorce looking like the bad guy. When people ask why we split, they will know the truth. Our boys will know the truth as well as soon as they are old enough to understand.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Jones586 said:


> Giving up without a fight? How so? How do I fight this? She has given up on our marriage, if only one person is fighting it will never get better.


Exposing the affair. Read all the comments. Read other stories here. Sadly all of these stories are the same. She is in a fog, you can blow that fog away.


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## Jones586

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Exposing the affair. Read all the comments. Read other stories here. Sadly all of these stories are the same. She is in a fog, you can blow that fog away.


Oh I don't plan on keeping it secret but at the same time I'm not going to hop on facebook and blast to the world she is a cheater. When people wonder why we got divorced they will know the truth. I just don't think doing that to her will make her come back to me, only push her further away. I have to raise two boys with her. I also need her to be civil in this divorce process as fathers get screwed over all the time here. So far she is being very civil.


----------



## Malaise

Jones586 said:


> True but it was just my own personal standard I was talking about before confronting her. After I posted this last night I accidently left it open on the computer, she saw this entire thread and read it. *She admitted there is another guy but claims it's only been a few weeks and nothing physical has happened*. I don't buy it but it doesn't matter, cheating is cheating.


From the cheater's playbook.

Only been a few weeks means months

Nothing physical has happened means they did it all.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Civil, huh. personally meah, but that is me. I am not in your shoes. You are in MO I assume and MO is no fault. Not much she can do except try and keep the kids away from you. If civil gets you kids half the time then yeah, civil. If she goes nasty, and she probably will as in you see the kids 1/8 the time and then you have to pay child support to support her and her loser rent a cop POS homewrecker bf then go nuclear. Nothing to lose then.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

And i hope your ***** POS wife who stabbed you in the back and now you have to accept seeing your own sons half the time is reading this. Shame on you.


----------



## oldshirt

Jones586 said:


> She is being extremely civil about finances and property so far, so that is good. I live in a no fault state and am thinking to use the same lawyer she is using unless we start disagreeing on things.


NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do NOT do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You need your own lawyer to represent and advocate for you and your best interests. 

Trust us on this one. she is acting all civil and generous now while no one knows whats going on but, but believe me, once things start getting real, she is going to turn into a seven-headed, spiteful demon. 

Do not even think of allowing her lawyer to handle any of your stuff. One of my best friends did that (he was very dumb and I did not know he was doing that) and he is still paying the price for that a dozen years later. 

I don't care how much your own lawyer will cost, get someone to advocate for you solely.


----------



## pantriste

oldshirt said:


> NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Do NOT do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> You need your own lawyer to represent and advocate for you and your best interests.
> 
> Trust us on this one. she is acting all civil and generous now while no one knows whats going on but, but believe me, once things start getting real, she is going to turn into a seven-headed, spiteful demon.
> 
> Do not even think of allowing her lawyer to handle any of your stuff. One of my best friends did that (he was very dumb and I did not know he was doing that) and he is still paying the price for that a dozen years later.
> 
> I don't care how much your own lawyer will cost, get someone to advocate for you solely.


I couldn't agree more with @oldshirt.

First you are in shock, you cannot think straight right now. Let your own lawyer handle this.

What you may think it's a good deal now won't be so attractive in a near future.

You must think for the sake of your boys. She is thinking about OM, she doesn't give s**t about them. If she were you wouldn't be in this situation.

Protect you and yours. She only cares about herself. That's what my XWW is doing.

Enviado desde mi HTC U11 mediante Tapatalk


----------



## oldshirt

Another thing to be aware of is this other man is going fly the coop her pretty soon once this gets under way. 

Man that bang married women, are only in it for the quick and easy low-cost poontang. It's fun banging married women because married women are only in it for the monkey sex and then they go home and it's the BH that gets to babysit the kids and fix her flat tires in the rain and unclog her toilet, rub her feet and kill spiders. They get all the fun and the BH gets all the work. 

Once she leaves you, she is going to expect him to do all that stuff and he is not going to want any of that. Once she's hanging out at his place and he's had to pick her toenail clippings out the couch and once he's been around the kids, he is going to bail. 

You may initially think this is great and your initial instincts are to roll out the red carpet and welcome her back with open arms. 

BUT, you'll quickly remember that she was going to leave you for him and that you are actually the fall-back chump so she has a roof and a babysitter. 

And she will want to sweep this all under the rug and pretend this didn't happen and she will quickly be scorned that you still have an issue with it and she will still keep "looking" if you know what I mean. 

She will try to get all that she can now that she doesn't even have a $12/hr rent-a-cop keeping house. 

You have to have your own lawyer because all of this is going to blow up fast. She already has a big head start on you and is already several steps ahead. 

You gotta be smart and you have to have iron balls and you have to draw a line in the sand and not give an inch. The guys that have strong boundaries and aren't afraid to enforce them to the letter are the ones that come out of his intact. 

The ones that try to "nice" their way into everyone's good graces and are afraid to upset their cheating wife or ruffle their feathers, end up bending over and taking it dry. 

Don't be taking it dry. Don't be that guy. Don't be that guy that loses his shirt and isn't able to get a new shirt for years and years because he didn't want to upset his cheating wife and didn't want to spend a few dollars on his own legal representation.

I know this has been a shock and you were caught off guard and don't know which way to turn. That is why it is critical to get your own lawyer. With a lawyer, someone is representing and advocating for you alone and so all you have to do is follow their expert recommendations.


----------



## Tobyboy

"About a month ago my wife has suddenly told me she has "fallen out of love" with me. She says she's been feeling this way for the past 6 months and that she has bottled it in from me."

You see, everything you need to know is in her words, you just need to pay attention to them. The affair started at least 6 months ago and became physical around a month ago.


----------



## pantriste

@Jones586 listen to @oldshirt, he knows what he is talking about. It may not make to much sense now but you'll regret it later if you don't.

Talk to someone who has live something similar. Don't trust your judgement right now.


----------



## Evinrude58

oldshirt said:


> Another thing to be aware of is this other man is going fly the coop her pretty soon once this gets under way.
> 
> Man that bang married women, are only in it for the quick and easy low-cost poontang. It's fun banging married women because married women are only in it for the monkey sex and then they go home and it's the BH that gets to babysit the kids and fix her flat tires in the rain and unclog her toilet, rub her feet and kill spiders. They get all the fun and the BH gets all the work.
> 
> Once she leaves you, she is going to expect him to do all that stuff and he is not going to want any of that. Once she's hanging out at his place and he's had to pick her toenail clippings out the couch and once he's been around the kids, he is going to bail.
> 
> You may initially think this is great and your initial instincts are to roll out the red carpet and welcome her back with open arms.
> 
> BUT, you'll quickly remember that she was going to leave you for him and that you are actually the fall-back chump so she has a roof and a babysitter.
> 
> And she will want to sweep this all under the rug and pretend this didn't happen and she will quickly be scorned that you still have an issue with it and she will still keep "looking" if you know what I mean.
> 
> She will try to get all that she can now that she doesn't even have a $12/hr rent-a-cop keeping house.
> 
> You have to have your own lawyer because all of this is going to blow up fast. She already has a big head start on you and is already several steps ahead.
> 
> You gotta be smart and you have to have iron balls and you have to draw a line in the sand and not give an inch. The guys that have strong boundaries and aren't afraid to enforce them to the letter are the ones that come out of his intact.
> 
> The ones that try to "nice" their way into everyone's good graces and are afraid to upset their cheating wife or ruffle their feathers, end up bending over and taking it dry.
> 
> Don't be taking it dry. Don't be that guy. Don't be that guy that loses his shirt and isn't able to get a new shirt for years and years because he didn't want to upset his cheating wife and didn't want to spend a few dollars on his own legal representation.
> 
> I know this has been a shock and you were caught off guard and don't know which way to turn. That is why it is critical to get your own lawyer. With a lawyer, someone is representing and advocating for you alone and so all you have to do is follow their expert recommendations.


All I can add is Yep


----------



## Evinrude58

I told you she'd say it was never physical....


----------



## Evinrude58

Divorce fast. She will give you 50/50 custody so she can have more free time to spend with OM. Take it. There's a window of opportunity on that. Later, she will see the kids as money making entities--- child support.... get half custody and no child support. You can always provide for their needs,but if you're not ha omg to give her a check by law, it will actually go to their needs instead of her wants. Like gas money for seeing OM.

Get the best deal possible while she is dying to get out.


----------



## Evinrude58

Btw,foolish to let her see this thread. You're basically screwed now.


----------



## SunCMars

Jones586 said:


> Yes she shows concern for everyone knowing that she cheated but oh well. I could keep it secret if she decided to be truly sorry and actually commit to the marriage but *I'm not walking away from the divorce looking like the bad guy. * When people ask why we split, they will know the truth. Our boys will know the truth as well as soon as they are old enough to understand.


Your' angry, heart-aching bite will do no damage to her. She has inured, inoculated herself from you. You are an Untouchable. A nauseating skin tingler. She told [her mother?] that you make her skin crawl. [her words].

It will be *her son's stares and raised eyebrows that will cut her to the bone*. And this, years down the road when she least expects it.

Even if the son's never voice their opinions, she knows that they know that she opened her heart and legs for another man....while still married to you.
Even if she did not sleep with the POSOM, the nagging doubt [and the assumption, there of] will still taint her.... in their eyes. 

*This, this no six inches is worth.
*


----------



## SunCMars

Evinrude58 said:


> Btw,foolish to let her see this thread. You're basically screwed now.


Nah..

He left it open on purpose.

At least some part of his conscious mind did so.

It sealed the case, closed the book on this betrayal. Her words to POSOM's 'slick' bedroom 'entreaties' sank her cheating Tug Boat. Tug-a-strange dik-boat.
Forget not, she had already filed. He had no time to bring this to real closure.

It is done.


----------



## Jones586

SunCMars said:


> Nah..
> 
> He left it open on purpose.
> 
> At least some part of his conscious mind did so.
> 
> It sealed the case, closed the book on this betrayal. Her words to POSOM's 'slick' bedroom 'entreaties' sank her cheating Tug Boat. Tug-a-strange dik-boat.
> Forget not, she had already filed. He had no time to bring this to real closure.
> 
> It is done.


I actually truly didn't leave it open on purpose, I think I closed it and google chrome saved it when she got on the computer and opened chrome. It really doesn't matter anyway, there is no saving this marriage no matter how much I want to.


----------



## Jones586

Evinrude58 said:


> Divorce fast. She will give you 50/50 custody so she can have more free time to spend with OM. Take it. There's a window of opportunity on that. Later, she will see the kids as money making entities--- child support.... get half custody and no child support. You can always provide for their needs,but if you're not ha omg to give her a check by law, it will actually go to their needs instead of her wants. Like gas money for seeing OM.
> 
> Get the best deal possible while she is dying to get out.


I wont be able to get 50/50 custody. She wants primary custody and my work schedule wouldn't allow for me to meet the days for 50% custody. She has agreed to accept $600/mo in child support when the state says I should pay $1100.


----------



## Evinrude58

You are CORRECT.

"Fight for your marriage"???????

No fighting a person's heart.

Fight for you and your kids. 

I know this is soul shattering. I swear to you it won't feel this bad forever. Will it hurt in some form from now on? Yes, but it will be short lived and manageable


----------



## Evinrude58

I seriously doubt she can waive any child support. Even if she does, she can come after you for more any time she feels like it. You need an attorney.


----------



## SunCMars

Jones586 said:


> I actually truly didn't leave it open on purpose, I think I closed it and google chrome saved it when she got on the computer and opened chrome. It really doesn't matter anyway, there is no saving this marriage no matter how much I want to.


You are so right. Surfing the way you are doing it requires that you close out all history after every entry. This is not needed.

Using and opening a hidden window, "A new Incognito Window" .....every time, should take your past entries out of the buffer. Hit the three dots at the upper right hand corner. 

Open the new Incognito window. Type in your new website address.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Jones586 said:


> I wont be able to get 50/50 custody. She wants primary custody and my work schedule wouldn't allow for me to meet the days for 50% custody. She has agreed to accept $600/mo in child support when the state says I should pay $1100.


Change jobs now. Join the Peace Corps. Join the Army or the Navy. You will only make so much. Try squeezing blood from a stone. Join the French Foreign Legion. They will hide you from alimony and child support for a 5 year enlistment. After 10 they will give you a new name and passport. 

She is going to stick to the 50 - 50 just long enough to make her new lover respectable to family and friends. Then she will go for what the law mandates. You will in effect be paying that guy to bang your ex wife. Seen it over and over.

Sorry dude. I know it sux.


----------



## *Deidre*

Jones586 said:


> Thank you all for the responses. So today she woke me up early this morning after I forgot to close this page and she read the entire thread. She called into work and wanted to talk. She admitted to me that there is another man but claims it's has not been physical and it's only been going on for a few weeks. I think she is lying, especially about the physical part. Either way she said she is emotionally attached to him. She insists he has nothing to do with how she feels. I call bs but what does it matter at this point.
> 
> Sadly I'm still willing to forgive her, I guess I just love her way to damn much, I'm working on letting go.. She is showing some remorse but not very much. Claims she will cut ties with him "for now". We have counseling set up but she still has the mindset that it's a waste of time, it's free so no reason not to go I suppose.
> 
> Sounds like this divorce is going to happen, she also informed me that she filed last week. She is being extremely civil about finances and property so far, so that is good. I live in a no fault state and am thinking to use the same lawyer she is using unless we start disagreeing on things.
> 
> The road ahead will be painful but sounds like many of you got through it just fine.


So sorry you're going through this, jones. But, why would you want to stay with someone who admits that you 'make her skin crawl?' That would be hard to forget. Sounds like your wife is the one you want, but not the one you need. I hope things get better for you, and that your kids are spared the pain of this.


----------



## aine

JOnes, take the advice from here, do not assume your STBXW will play nice later, she is not your friend, she is now the enemy.
She is lying about the OM, she has slept with him many times.
Expose her for what she is, because she will rewrite the marriage history and it will be all your fault, stop acting so weak.
Give her the divorce but do not make it easy for her, she does not deserve the softly softly approach considering what she is going to put your poor little kids through
Get your OWN lawyer, do not rely on her lawyer at all
Tell your family and friends now and if you can find out tell the OM's wife (if he has one, she deserves to know). Your STBXW is in the fog, the relationship may not last long but that is not your concern.
You need to emotionally detach from her asap, start doing the 180 and listening to people on this site for a change.


----------



## Malaise

aine said:


> JOnes, take the advice from here, do not assume your STBXW will play nice later, she is not your friend, she is now the enemy.
> *She is lying about the OM, she has slept with him many times*.
> *Expose her for what she is, because she will rewrite the marriage history and it will be all your fault*, stop acting so weak.
> Give her the divorce but do not make it easy for her, she does not deserve the softly softly approach considering what she is going to put your poor little kids through
> *Get your OWN lawyer*, do not rely on her lawyer at all
> *Tell your family and friends now and if you can find out tell the OM's wife *(if he has one, she deserves to know). Your STBXW is in the fog, the relationship may not last long but that is not your concern.
> You need to emotionally detach from her asap, start doing the 180 and listening to people on this site for a change.


Points worth highlighting.


----------



## oldshirt

oldshirt said:


> And just for future reference for everyone, here are the reasons women of childbearing age with young children leave the fathers of their children -
> 
> 1. physical and/or sexual abuse of the children by the father.
> 
> 2. physical abuse (usually pretty extreme) of her by the father.
> 
> 3. Extreme alcoholism/drug addiction of the father.
> 
> 4. Chronic and total unemployment with refusal to seek work (for years).
> 
> 5. Continuous and completely unrepentant infidelity by the father (often for years).
> 
> 6. Complete and total abandonment without any form of personal or financial support (for years) by the father.
> 
> 7. Wife falling for another man.
> 
> 
> That's pretty much it. that is pretty much an exhaustive list of the reasons that a mother of young children will leave and divorce the father of her children.
> 
> And most of those things listed must be in a chronic and extreme form over a period of years before she pulls the plug.
> 
> Notice that things like 'emotional distance', "failure to do dishes or take out garbage", "too much time with hobbies or buddies" etc etc did not make the list.
> 
> All you have to do is take a look at the abuse and mistreatment of women who are not in affairs endure and you will see that it takes pretty extreme bad behavior to get a mother with small children to actually pack up and divorce.
> 
> Middle aged women who's children are teens or older will pack up and leave for things like lack of emotional connection or too much time with hobbies/buddies and will leave for one-off affair of the husband.
> 
> But young mothers with very children leave the husbands of their children for either extreme abuse/addiction/abandonment by the husband or they leave if there is another man that is tripping their triggers and offering to take them full time.
> 
> If a young wife and mother of young children is packing up her stuff and the husband is doing any of those other things on a chronic and extreme bases - then there is another man.
> 
> It can be an actual diagnosis by exclusion. If the H isn't doing any of those things - then it is another man, even if there is no direct evidence at the time such as phone logs, emails, pictures etc.




I should probably amend this to say that mother's of young children do not secretly file for divorce from their children's father to be with a man they have only been seeing a few weeks and have not gotten physical with...

.....But I think we all know that already.


----------



## pantriste

oldshirt said:


> I should probably amend this to say that mother's of young children do not secretly file for divorce from their children's father to be with a man they have only been seeing a few weeks and have not gotten physical with...
> 
> .....But I think we all know that already.


No, they don't. Even more, they had a serious "test drive" of the relationship and the POSOM including sex quality.


----------



## oldshirt

pantriste said:


> No, they don't. Even more, they had a serious "test drive" of the relationship and the POSOM including sex quality.


Let's look at this is real-world terms. 

As stated earlier, unless Jones is a recalcitrant wife beater or drug addict etc, the reason she would be exiting the marriage is for another man that she sincerely believes is a bigger, better deal. 

In order to get to this stage of the game, it goes waaaaay deeper than some texts and late night chats on Facebook. 

The reality is many WS's are able to carry on their affairs for a long time before their cover starts to break down and they begin to show any signs or significant changes in behavior. 

And in order for her to have actually filed for divorce and to begin the divorce process, she would have had to had some kind of guarantee from the OM that he was in fact going to take her in full time once she is officially out of the house. 

This means that the affair could have been going on for a long time, perhaps well longer than the 6 months that has been mentioned. 

And she and the OM most likely have been discussing this and planning this for quite some time. 

This was not a few nudge-nudge/wink-winks and a 5 minute make out session in the broom closet at work. 

This is a full blown, well developed and well planned LTA with a planned exit strategy. 

Mothers of young children flee in the night and seraptiously file for divorce when their kids are being abused by the father or when they themselves are being beaten to where they are afraid of being killed in front of their children. 

In the absence of abuse, if a woman has already gone out and obtained a lawyer and filed the paperwork etc before mentioning to the H, that means this A is very well developed and the exit strategy has likely been being developed for months. 

This A could have been going on for a year or more. 

Yes, affairs can happen very quickly and I personally know of a number of A's that occurred in literally days. 

But they did not involve 28 year old women with children under 5 (I'm assuming under school aged children since Jones said they've only been married 5 years)

There's no point in arguing over whether it was 3 weeks vs 6 months vs 9 months or a year or whatever. 

But I think we can all agree that the OP is only seeing the very tippy-top of the iceberg and he has not even begun is journey down that rabbit hole yet.


----------



## just got it 55

@oldshirt

Your last few observations have been among the most astute written here in quite some time

55


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

oldshirt said:


> Let's look at this is real-world terms.
> 
> As stated earlier, unless Jones is a recalcitrant wife beater or drug addict etc, the reason she would be exiting the marriage is for another man that she sincerely believes is a bigger, better deal.
> 
> In order to get to this stage of the game, it goes waaaaay deeper than some texts and late night chats on Facebook.
> 
> The reality is many WS's are able to carry on their affairs for a long time before their cover starts to break down and they begin to show any signs or significant changes in behavior.
> 
> And in order for her to have actually filed for divorce and to begin the divorce process, she would have had to had some kind of guarantee from the OM that he was in fact going to take her in full time once she is officially out of the house.
> 
> This means that the affair could have been going on for a long time, perhaps well longer than the 6 months that has been mentioned.
> 
> And she and the OM most likely have been discussing this and planning this for quite some time.
> 
> This was not a few nudge-nudge/wink-winks and a 5 minute make out session in the broom closet at work.
> 
> This is a full blown, well developed and well planned LTA with a planned exit strategy.
> 
> Mothers of young children flee in the night and seraptiously file for divorce when their kids are being abused by the father or when they themselves are being beaten to where they are afraid of being killed in front of their children.
> 
> In the absence of abuse, if a woman has already gone out and obtained a lawyer and filed the paperwork etc before mentioning to the H, that means this A is very well developed and the exit strategy has likely been being developed for months.
> 
> This A could have been going on for a year or more.
> 
> Yes, affairs can happen very quickly and I personally know of a number of A's that occurred in literally days.
> 
> But they did not involve 28 year old women with children under 5 (I'm assuming under school aged children since Jones said they've only been married 5 years)
> 
> There's no point in arguing over whether it was 3 weeks vs 6 months vs 9 months or a year or whatever.
> 
> But I think we can all agree that the OP is only seeing the very tippy-top of the iceberg and he has not even begun is journey down that rabbit hole yet.



You assume she can reason. That she makes rational informed decisions. She is trading a uniformed officer, a civil servant with a pension and health insurance for a security guard. Trading down. Common among cheaters. She is probably not the sharpest knife in the kitchen. But smart enough to know she can soak OP's child support to enhance her life style. That being said given what he wrote she is just another ****ty, selfish run of the mill cheater who made babies with one man then uses him to pay for a lifestyle with another. An ugly, selfish disgusting woman who put her selfish desires above her husbands AND her children. Nice lady.


----------



## Jones586

oldshirt said:


> Let's look at this is real-world terms.
> 
> As stated earlier, unless Jones is a recalcitrant wife beater or drug addict etc, the reason she would be exiting the marriage is for another man that she sincerely believes is a bigger, better deal.
> 
> In order to get to this stage of the game, it goes waaaaay deeper than some texts and late night chats on Facebook.
> 
> The reality is many WS's are able to carry on their affairs for a long time before their cover starts to break down and they begin to show any signs or significant changes in behavior.
> 
> And in order for her to have actually filed for divorce and to begin the divorce process, she would have had to had some kind of guarantee from the OM that he was in fact going to take her in full time once she is officially out of the house.
> 
> This means that the affair could have been going on for a long time, perhaps well longer than the 6 months that has been mentioned.
> 
> And she and the OM most likely have been discussing this and planning this for quite some time.
> 
> This was not a few nudge-nudge/wink-winks and a 5 minute make out session in the broom closet at work.
> 
> This is a full blown, well developed and well planned LTA with a planned exit strategy.
> 
> Mothers of young children flee in the night and seraptiously file for divorce when their kids are being abused by the father or when they themselves are being beaten to where they are afraid of being killed in front of their children.
> 
> In the absence of abuse, if a woman has already gone out and obtained a lawyer and filed the paperwork etc before mentioning to the H, that means this A is very well developed and the exit strategy has likely been being developed for months.
> 
> This A could have been going on for a year or more.
> 
> Yes, affairs can happen very quickly and I personally know of a number of A's that occurred in literally days.
> 
> But they did not involve 28 year old women with children under 5 (I'm assuming under school aged children since Jones said they've only been married 5 years)
> 
> There's no point in arguing over whether it was 3 weeks vs 6 months vs 9 months or a year or whatever.
> 
> But I think we can all agree that the OP is only seeing the very tippy-top of the iceberg and he has not even begun is journey down that rabbit hole yet.


Well I hope this is not the case but I can't prove it is or isn't. I do know she relies on her mom to live with when she moves out. Only time will tell what's really going on. All I know is that I want to be civil with her and get along with her for the sake of our kids. Her and I have discussed what led up to this. She says I have emotionally neglected her, by pushing her away when she needed me and ignoring issues in our marriage that bothered her. I admit that I have done that and take responsibility for it. I have vowed to change my ways and be a better husband but the way she sees it, too little too late. She claims to fallen out of love with me long before this other guy came along but who knows, it really doesn't matter at this point. At this point we just have to get through the divorce as peacefully as possible and try to raise our kids together while living separate lives.


----------



## Jones586

*Deidre* said:


> So sorry you're going through this, jones. But, why would you want to stay with someone who admits that you 'make her skin crawl?' That would be hard to forget. Sounds like your wife is the one you want, but not the one you need. I hope things get better for you, and that your kids are spared the pain of this.


I wish I knew the answer to that question. I'm trying to make myself move on. It is extremely difficult.


----------



## Jones586

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> You assume she can reason. That she makes rational informed decisions. She is trading a uniformed officer, a civil servant with a pension and health insurance for a security guard. Trading down. Common among cheaters. She is probably not the sharpest knife in the kitchen. But smart enough to know she can soak OP's child support to enhance her life style. That being said given what he wrote she is just another ****ty, selfish run of the mill cheater who made babies with one man then uses him to pay for a lifestyle with another. An ugly, selfish disgusting woman who put her selfish desires above her husbands AND her children. Nice lady.


Well I will say I have to take the security guard out of it, my suspicion on that was wrong. It turns out it is someone she went to college with.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Jones586 said:


> Well I hope this is not the case but I can't prove it is or isn't. I do know she relies on her mom to live with when she moves out. Only time will tell what's really going on. All I know is that I want to be civil with her and get along with her for the sake of our kids. Her and I have discussed what led up to this. She says I have emotionally neglected her, by pushing her away when she needed me and ignoring issues in our marriage that bothered her. I admit that I have done that and take responsibility for it. I have vowed to change my ways and be a better husband but the way she sees it, too little too late. She claims to fallen out of love with me long before this other guy came along but who knows, it really doesn't matter at this point. At this point we just have to get through the divorce as peacefully as possible and try to raise our kids together while living separate lives.


You know when she is lying? When she opens her mouth. Classic cheater, you neglected me to the point I spread my legs. 

If things were so bad she ws suppose to talk to you about them. Not mount another penis for 6 months figuring out if it was going to be worth leaving you. 

By the way, she was stooping you and him at the same time when it started. Think back 6 months, 9 month when there was a uptick in her sex drive. . Mixing all that semen up exposing you to everyone he ever slept with. Get a STD test. Tell her its coming out of her half of the equity. A small financial amount I know but symbolic. DNA your kids too. You really don't know who she is. Do it even if they look like you. Take the test cost out of her equity. Another symbolic act.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Jones586 said:


> Well I will say I have to take the security guard out of it, my suspicion on that was wrong. It turns out it is someone she went to college with.


Old lover. DNA your kids.


----------



## eric1

Expose to the workplace for the love of god


----------



## *Deidre*

Jones586 said:


> I wish I knew the answer to that question. I'm trying to make myself move on. It is extremely difficult.


Well, I think you love the person you thought she was, and the marriage you thought you had. That will take time to process that she really isn't that person anymore. Maybe never was. It's hard when we step away from toxic situations, we gain insight we didn't have before.


----------



## Marc878

Jones586 said:


> Thank you all for the responses. So today she woke me up early this morning after I forgot to close this page and she read the entire thread. She called into work and wanted to talk. She admitted to me that there is another man but claims it's has not been physical and it's only been going on for a few weeks. I think she is lying, especially about the physical part. Either way she said she is emotionally attached to him. She insists he has nothing to do with how she feels. I call bs but what does it matter at this point.
> 
> Sadly I'm still willing to forgive her, I guess I just love her way to damn much, I'm working on letting go.. She is showing some remorse but not very much. Claims she will cut ties with him "for now". We have counseling set up but she still has the mindset that it's a waste of time, it's free so no reason not to go I suppose.
> 
> Sounds like this divorce is going to happen, she also informed me that she filed last week. She is being extremely civil about finances and property so far, so that is good. I live in a no fault state and am thinking to use the same lawyer she is using unless we start disagreeing on things.
> 
> The road ahead will be painful but sounds like many of you got through it just fine.


Cheaters lie a lot. She's protecting him now by manipulating you. You are acting weak and getting played. 

Exposure is your best bet.

Wake up


----------



## Marc878

Jones586 said:


> Well I hope this is not the case but I can't prove it is or isn't. I do know she relies on her mom to live with when she moves out. Only time will tell what's really going on. All I know is that I want to be civil with her and get along with her for the sake of our kids. Her and I have discussed what led up to this. She says I have emotionally neglected her, by pushing her away when she needed me and ignoring issues in our marriage that bothered her. I admit that I have done that and take responsibility for it. I have vowed to change my ways and be a better husband but the way she sees it, too little too late. She claims to fallen out of love with me long before this other guy came alonsg but who knows, it really doesn't matter at this point. At this point we just have to get through the divorce as peacefully as possible and try to raise our kids together while living separate lives.


Spoken like a true doormat. She's following the cheater script and you're swallowing it


----------



## Rick Blaine

My goodness. Jones, if I were your friend and I stole your identity and used it to acquire personal wealth, would you just stand by, let it happen, and agree to be civil for the sake of peace? I guess so. This woman has selfishly blown up your family and emasculated you ("He makes my skin crawl."), and you want to be civil with her for the sake of the kids? But you are not helping them. The kids will be far better off if they have a strong father who can teach them right from wrong and model what it means to set boundaries in a healthy relationship. They will be fine if you simply divorce your wife and end contact with her for life. Wake up, and start fighting. This Mr. Nice Guy act is trite and nauseating. 

As far your wife goes, if she is still reading this: Shame on you! We are disgusted by your vile conduct.


----------



## Jones586

You all are right, I have had my head in the sand probably because I just love her so much. I trusted her so much. I thought she had more commitment than this. I got my own lawyer in the works. Even if I give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that the guy she has been seeing is as new as she says he is, my actions of being distant and emotionally neglecting her do not justify this. That is something that can be fixed. I can admit I recognized my problem much later than I should have but she should still be able to accept that. She shouldn't feel that she can't just fall back in love with me because of it. I told her I would do anything to save our marriage but she would rather see some other dude who she claims she has only kissed, not slept with (BS).


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## pantriste

@Jones586 I'm glad you understand much better what's going on.

We love our spouses and that love blinds us. Use your head not your heart. That's what she is doing so play the game with the same cards she is using..

Nothing you have done can justify betrayal and she betrayed you and your family. So you must stand for them.

Best of luck. Keep being strong.

Enviado desde mi HTC U11 mediante Tapatalk


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Jones586 said:


> You all are right, I have had my head in the sand probably because I just love her so much. I trusted her so much. I thought she had more commitment than this. I got my own lawyer in the works. Even if I give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that the guy she has been seeing is as new as she says he is, my actions of being distant and emotionally neglecting her do not justify this. That is something that can be fixed. I can admit I recognized my problem much later than I should have but she should still be able to accept that. She shouldn't feel that she can't just fall back in love with me because of it. I told her I would do anything to save our marriage but she would rather see some other dude who she claims she has only kissed, not slept with (BS).


She doesn't want to try because she has been having monkey sex with him 6 ways to Sunday behind your back. You just found out. She has bonded with him . Hence her being repulsed by you. Cheaters do that. They feel guilty about cheating on their new lovers. 

You are seeing the light. Proper step getting your own representation. Trust us, she does not have any of your interests at heart. She is only thinking of herself. She is not even thinking of her kids. She is turned into a completely selfish slag, not the women you married. Don't be be fooled by her civility. Its only for you to keep your guard down. 

Speaking of your kids, would it be such a bad idea to resign from the force and get a job where you could have them 50% of the time. I know this is extreme. You did not ask for this life changing event. Your cheating selfish STBXW forced it on you. Get a another job and fight for 50% of the time. If you have a job you will get it. Your lifestyle may downgrade but so what? From a house to a 2- 3 BR apartment. At least you will have your children away from her and her POS partner. You can always get another job in the future but you can't get the time back with your kids. 

Just a thought.


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## Evinrude58

If she was any kind of human she'd admit to you out of respect, that she was getting bored with motherhood/wife life, put out feelers to the college lover, and was looking for something more than what she had. She didn't fall out of love with you until she fell back in love with him. Think back on when the sex stuff changed. Sped up or slowed down. That's when she started having sex with him.

They will say whatever they can to themselves to allow themselves not to take emotional/mental responsibility for the fact that they broke their most important promise to a person they swore to love until death.

Or in most cases nowadays, until they decide they really didn't love you- which they decide the second a new penis enters their vagina, or vice Versa for idiot, characterless men.

What you can control is how you handle this.
Get good legal advice.

You make her skin crawl. Respect assured the new guy will make her skin crawl when she's done with him, too. Some people are chronically discontent.


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## pantriste

Evinrude58 said:


> If she was any kind of human she'd admit to you out of respect, that she was getting bored with motherhood/wife life, put out feelers to the college lover, and was looking for something more than what she had. She didn't fall out of love with you until she fell back in love with him. Think back on when the sex stuff changed. Sped up or slowed down. That's when she started having sex with him.
> 
> They will say whatever they can to themselves to allow themselves not to take emotional/mental responsibility for the fact that they broke their most important promise to a person they swore to love until death.
> 
> Or in most cases nowadays, until they decide they really didn't love you- which they decide the second a new penis enters their vagina, or vice Versa for idiot, characterless men.
> 
> What you can control is how you handle this.
> Get good legal advice.
> 
> You make her skin crawl. Respect assured the new guy will make her skin crawl when she's done with him, too. Some people are chronically discontent.


I would have loved to have someone like you to give me such good advices when I went through all this.

Well said

Enviado desde mi HTC U11 mediante Tapatalk


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Jones586 said:


> You all are right, I have had my head in the sand probably because I just love her so much. I trusted her so much. I thought she had more commitment than this. I got my own lawyer in the works. Even if I give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that the guy she has been seeing is as new as she says he is, my actions of being distant and emotionally neglecting her do not justify this. That is something that can be fixed. I can admit I recognized my problem much later than I should have but she should still be able to accept that. She shouldn't feel that she can't just fall back in love with me because of it. I told her I would do anything to save our marriage but she would rather see some other dude who she claims she has only kissed, not slept with (BS).


Also,

It really is pointless to talk to her about any of this as in why and especially to try and talk her out of it. She will only lie. Like "we only kissed". Right. I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn. I own it, I really really do...

Read up on the 180. If its not about the children and the logistics that accompany them or household expenses there is nothing else to talk about, Just ignore her. Like she ignored her marriage vows.


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## Evinrude58

Wasn't that long ago I was receiving good advice here. I didn't like most of it, although 95% of it was spot on. I was in tremendous pain, just like Jones. Until one goes through it like us, one can't understand how painful it is to be betrayed, life wrecked, and lose one's kids--- all in one whack. 

I try to help others avoid at least a little of what I went through, like most others here.
So thx.

I'm proof positive that this will get better. No reason to fear. OP, you will get through this and you're kids will love you and you them.

You now have a chance by the grace of God to find a woman that will lift you up.
It hurts now, but be thankful for what may seem like unanswered prayers. God is listening to you. 
Get an attorney and get your life in order as best as possible so you can move forward through this.


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## Rick Blaine

Evinrude58 said:


> Wasn't that long ago I was receiving good advice here. I didn't like most of it, although 95% of it was spot on. I was in tremendous pain, just like Jones. Until one goes through it like us, one can't understand how painful it is to be betrayed, life wrecked, and lose one's kids--- all in one whack.
> 
> I try to help others avoid at least a little of what I went through, like most others here.
> So thx.
> 
> I'm proof positive that this will get better. No reason to fear. OP, you will get through this and you're kids will love you and you them.
> 
> You now have a chance by the grace of God to find a woman that will lift you up.
> It hurts now, but be thankful for what may seem like unanswered prayers. God is listening to you.
> Get an attorney and get your life in order as best as possible so you can move forward through this.


Ditto. You are now broken in 1000 pieces, but you will recollect them and assemble them into a stronger and better person IF you do this right. Be strategic, and don't let your emotions guide you. There will always be scars, but if you do this right you will be happier in the long run and you will not trade all the tea in China to be in your wayward wife's place. Integrity and honor are too high a price to pay for the cheap thrill of an affair. You will be able to move forward with your life without that stigma. She won't.


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## Jones586

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> She doesn't want to try because she has been having monkey sex with him 6 ways to Sunday behind your back. You just found out. She has bonded with him . Hence her being repulsed by you. Cheaters do that. They feel guilty about cheating on their new lovers.
> 
> You are seeing the light. Proper step getting your own representation. Trust us, she does not have any of your interests at heart. She is only thinking of herself. She is not even thinking of her kids. She is turned into a completely selfish slag, not the women you married. Don't be be fooled by her civility. Its only for you to keep your guard down.
> 
> Speaking of your kids, would it be such a bad idea to resign from the force and get a job where you could have them 50% of the time. I know this is extreme. You did not ask for this life changing event. Your cheating selfish STBXW forced it on you. Get a another job and fight for 50% of the time. If you have a job you will get it. Your lifestyle may downgrade but so what? From a house to a 2- 3 BR apartment. At least you will have your children away from her and her POS partner. You can always get another job in the future but you can't get the time back with your kids.
> 
> Just a thought.


I just don't know that would be practical, I have been a cop for 9 years and it's all I know, not only that I love it. Everything in this field is shift work and requires working a lot of hours. I'm not saying my job is more important than my kids but we spend a good chunk of our lives working and it's important to be enjoy what we do for a living. I can still manage to spend a lot of time with my kids but my hours don't exactly align with day care hours. 

She may have been heartless to me, married me for the wrong reasons, cheated on me, gave up on me, etc but she is a good mother to our kids; at least outside of completely letting go of our family and leaving them the broken home life.. For their sake I have to try and forgive her enough to be civil around them and do things with them as parents. At the same time part of me says I won't be able to look at her the same after the divorce is final, I don't know. I guess we will see when we get there.


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## pantriste

Jones586 said:


> I just don't know that would be practical, I have been a cop for 9 years and it's all I know, not only that I love it. Everything in this field is shift work and requires working a lot of hours. I'm not saying my job is more important than my kids but we spend a good chunk of our lives working and it's important to be enjoy what we do for a living. I can still manage to spend a lot of time with my kids but my hours don't exactly align with day care hours.
> 
> She may have been heartless to me, married me for the wrong reasons, cheated on me, gave up on me, etc but she is a good mother to our kids; at least outside of completely letting go of our family and leaving them the broken home life.. For their sake I have to try and forgive her enough to be civil around them and do things with them as parents. At the same time part of me says I won't be able to look at her the same after the divorce is final, I don't know. I guess we will see when we get there.


I said the very same thing about my XWW so I gave her a lot of things and money thinking she was going to spend it with and for my son. Oh man what a fool I was!

She bought new clothes for her but not for our son, she went on vacation twice in 6 months with POSOM and not with our son.

She didn't cheat on you, she cheated on your family. You like it or not that's the truth. If she was concerned about her sons like a good mother should you wouldn't be in this situation.

Open your eyes even if what you see hurts.

Enviado desde mi HTC U11 mediante Tapatalk


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Jones586 said:


> I just don't know that would be practical, I have been a cop for 9 years and it's all I know, not only that I love it. Everything in this field is shift work and requires working a lot of hours. I'm not saying my job is more important than my kids but we spend a good chunk of our lives working and it's important to be enjoy what we do for a living. I can still manage to spend a lot of time with my kids but my hours don't exactly align with day care hours.
> 
> She may have been heartless to me, married me for the wrong reasons, cheated on me, gave up on me, etc but she is a good mother to our kids; at least outside of completely letting go of our family and leaving them the broken home life.. _For their sake I have to try and forgive her enough to be civil around them and do things with them as parents_. _At the same time part of me says I won't be able to look at her the same after the divorce is final, I don't know_. I guess we will see when we get there.


I mentioned taking another job w/o shift work in that your wife knew that it would be difficult for you to leave your job. She knows you cannot watch the kids daytime with your current schedule and is using that as a lever. I still say take that lever away. Go nuclear and fight. 

You don't have to be with her and her new bo at all at any event as parents. Just create 2 separate houses. They get double birthdays, every other XMAS, every other Thanksgiving, etc. Sit away from her at sports practice. She wants to create a new family with a new man and drag your children into it and the time you spend with them. You don't have to cooperate. Fark her. She wanted it, now she has it. Why make it easy? Honestly by 'doing things together as parents' you are teaching them its ok to stab your spouse in the back and put on a show for the kids sake. It's a lie. When that guy is with her and your children you will want to hurt him. Why lie about that? You cannot hurt him. Law is clear. But you don't have to look at him or shake his hand. Him and her are just dead zombies walking by. 

The decisions you make in the next months you will have to live with for more than a decade and beyond. Above is just my 2 cents.


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## Evinrude58

Good thing is: eventually you will put this behind you and you may be able to stomach dealing with her. 
Right now you still love her and are able to see all these good qualities that may or may not really exist in your ex wife. Make no mistake she is your ex. already, even if you're still married by law.

There's nothing wrong with being civil with her so that your kids don't have to suffer.

I beg you to never forget that you shouldn't say anything bad about your wife. I said a few things about mine in the beginning and regret it. Means nothing that the things said are true. But you should also remember that she likely will badmouth you, and she will never be anything but an enemy to you. 

In time, she will long for you the be her friend to try to alieve the guilt she has.if you'll be her friend, after all, she can't be that bad.

Stop thinking anything positive about her. You make her skin crawl! She is not a great mother! She is thinking only of herself. She doesn't care that her kids are in large party going to have their dad replaced by a man that doesn't love them as a father.

You really need help here to see. In time you will see the real her. You'll think differently.


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## Malaise

Evinrude58 said:


> Stop thinking anything positive about her. You make her skin crawl! *She is not a great mother! She is thinking only of herself. She doesn't care that her kids are in large party going to have their dad replaced by a man that doesn't love them as a father.
> 
> *You really need help here to see. In time you will see the real her. You'll think differently.


QFT


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## oldshirt

It's good that you have realized that you need to get a lawyer. 

Another important point to make is that once you have a lawyer - DO WHAT THE LAWYER SAYS.

In your state of emotional upheaval, you will think that you will know best how to deal with and handle your wife and that the lawyer's advice won't apply to your situation. - Do not fall for this!!!!

Your instincts and your assumptions on how you should handle this will be wrong. Each and every time. 

Your initial instincts and intuitions will tell you not to upset her or make any waves. This will be to your detriment and will bite you in the arse.

You are in an emotional state that will impair your ability to make rational and logical decisions and actions to benefit your long term well being.

By contrast your lawyer has actually been to law school, is familiar with the divorce laws and processes in your jurisdiction and deals with divorce cases all day, every day, day in and day out, year after year. 

Your lawyer is a dispassionate, disinterested 3rd party who only cares about representing your best interests legally and financially and ensuring you get your fair entitlements without you taking it in the shorts.

Turn this over to your lawyer and do what lawyers says and do not try to outthink or freelance your own legal strategy. Do not do ANYTHING without your lawyer's direct recommendation or blessing. 

You can not out maneuver your wife her legal team on your own. She is sicker than you are smart.


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