# Need opinions please



## ROBERTLJONES (Dec 20, 2017)

Wife and I married about 30 years. Always each others best friend and rarely fight.
Move forward to about 8 months ago. She started a new job. All I hear are stories about her boss and how he seems to understand her like no one else. They cut up and carry on but as far as I know no after work contact.
Wife and I fight now all the time. It's like she goes out of her way to pick a fight. She no longer plays and cuts up with me like she used to. We never talk or talk very little. I think the best way I could describe our current relationship is that I miss her. You know?
I guess what is bothering me is that she accidentally sent me a text meant for him today and it bothers me. Nothing sexual or anything but you could tell it was the other half of a conversation that was exclusive of everyone else. I even felt like an outsider reading it.
She tells me about their talks and I cannot help but get mad because if the shoe was on the other foot she would be upset at me.
I know the thing to do is talk to her but this is something that she should know without me telling her. If I have to tell her it is not worth it. Understand?
Thanks for listening.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

So, go find a girlfriend and see how she likes it? Seriously. Are you getting good and frequent sex? What are you getting out of your marriage?


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

A lot of times husband tend to give the wife the benefit of the doubt, she is good hearted and would never cheat. That may be true of your wife. But, you do not know this new man. He just needs his moment to make a move after months of priming your wife with friendship and trust. He’s in a higher position so he already has respect from your wife and likely admiration. He makes her feel safe enough to be friendly and have private inside conversations. You don’t know his real intentions. Maybe he is professional and just friendly. Maybe not. You are a man. You know how we think. He has a woman who feels safe with him and is his friend who is not happy at home, that is the perfect recipe for him to make a physical move or emotional move. Which may or may not already happened. 
You have signs of withdrawal from your wife. Her behavior is different now, no one knows her like you do after 30 years. You know if somethings off. 
Why aren’t you angry? Another mans influence on your wife has changed her and your marriage. Get angry. She needs to be afraid of losing you. She needs to fear your anger if she takes a friendship too far. End this friendship now. It may be innocent or it may not be or it could turn into something else. It’s just better if she were not close to other males. Period. I know I’ll get burned for that but I don’t care. Be jealous. You gave her 30 years, you have a right to fight and be angry for the change in the marriage.


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## ROBERTLJONES (Dec 20, 2017)

Retaliation will not make this any better. Besides don't care enough to to try and punish her by getting a girlfriend.

We do not have sex


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, she should not be texting the boss after work hours. Do you have the text that she sent to her boss? Send this to HR in her company. They will most likely transfer her out of the department or send him packing. This is a budding relationship. Be wary.


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## ROBERTLJONES (Dec 20, 2017)

I think it has reached the point I just want to retire to the beach and she can do whatever. Just don't think I care enough anymore.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

She is having a emotional affair with her boss and flaunting it. You are not intimate physically with your wife. May I ask why? Is he intimate with her?


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## Imjustlearning (Feb 23, 2017)

ROBERTLJONES said:


> I think it has reached the point I just want to retire to the beach and she can do whatever. Just don't think I care enough anymore.


Well if you didn't care you Wouldn't be posting about it now would you? Grow a spine and take charge. 

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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

No way around it. You'll have to discuss your concerns with her.

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## ROBERTLJONES (Dec 20, 2017)

I think you are right. I am calling my attorney. 
Thank you all for your wonderful advice.
If I can just spend the last few years I have fishing that would be great.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Robert,

You deserve better. Go find a sexier woman that treats you like a king. 

Also, I'm willing to bet she's having sex. Lots of sex. 

You two haven't had a great marriage for some time. End the sham and either be alone and happy or even better, find someone you can't stop thinking about every minute of the day. 

Good luck.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

TAM: Where marriages go to die.

It should be be called Talk About Divorce (TAD)

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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

If that is what you want. If you have no interest in your marriage and you could care less what she does be a decent man and don't blind side her. Sounds like she is trying to get your attention and that you have zero interest in fighting for her or your 30 year marriage. 

Man up and tell her to expect a divorce petition, Don't forget to wish her the best and that it's not her fault that it's just you don't like her anymore.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> If that is what you want. If you have no interest in your marriage and you could care less what she does be a decent man and don't blind side her. Sounds like she is trying to get your attention and that you have zero interest in fighting for her or your 30 year marriage.
> 
> Man up and tell her to expect a divorce petition, Don't forget to wish her the best and that it's not her fault that it's just you don't like her anymore.


There are a lot of assumptions here. Read the OP again. His wife is the one who has abandoned him. His wife is the one having good, personal, private, ongoing discussions with sometime else, not him. His wife is the one choosing to put her energy elsewhere, not him.

Maybe OP is the kind of man who doesn't want to have to fight another man for HIS wife's attention--- that said wife decided to divert to the other man.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Let's not jump to conclusions here. 

It would be nice to know what OP and his wife's relationship was like before she went back to work. Was sex waning before she went back to work? Is she finding (at a minimum) friendship from someone else since OP isn't providing it? Is OP hurt that she went back to work and he feels inadequate? Was she working before going to this new job?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Your wife is having an emotional affair. It's time for you to shake her up. You need to have a serious talk about this and what it will mean for your future.

If you don't care then you have leverage.

Frankly my take would be exactly the same. You can't make her be nice to you, if you can dedicate 30 years to you and some guy she met 8 months ago take precedence over 30 years of effort why bother. Life is short. I would tell he as much. Let him deal with her bull****.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She's either in an emotional affair or beginning one.

You're sitting around taking it so you'll just get more of what you've been getting.

Let her go. Life's to short to put up with **** like this.


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## ROBERTLJONES (Dec 20, 2017)

It was your advice that caused me to call my attorney. I have never turned from a fight and should have never asked for advice. I knew what I needed to do and I thank you for pointing this out.

Papers will be filed after holidays (kids are home for holidays).


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ROBERTLJONES said:


> It was your advice that caused me to call my attorney. I have never turned from a fight and should have never asked for advice. I knew what I needed to do and I thank you for pointing this out.
> 
> Papers will be filed after holidays (kids are home for holidays).


Are you going to talk to her or just spring it on her?


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## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

Well, this entire post seems pretty pointless. You have no interest in trying to save your relationship or even have a conversation with your wife and one person's advice swayed you to file divorce papers. Why bother? 

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## ROBERTLJONES (Dec 20, 2017)

BAN919 said:


> Well, this entire post seems pretty pointless. You have no interest in trying to save your relationship or even have a conversation with your wife and one person's advice swayed you to file divorce papers. Why bother?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


Because I was still maybe hoping someone would say you are blowing this out of proportion.
30 years of memories and working together to raise 3 kids - great kids, build 3 homes, cancer, heart failure and loss of parents actually meant something.

I guess maybe it does but just not what I thought it did. That for all the years we couldn't stand to be apart that was real that it meant something but what do I know?

That I know once I drop those papers once I say that goodbye it's over, that even if I choose to find someone else there is not enough time to even create a smidgen of the memories that I have with her.
Mad - frustrated - hurt and no one I can talk to and you tell me that my post is pointless. Probably is.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ROBERTLJONES said:


> Retaliation will not make this any better. Besides don't care enough to to try and punish her by getting a girlfriend.
> 
> We do not have sex


Why? She's your wife.


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## BAN919 (Nov 20, 2017)

ROBERTLJONES said:


> Because I was still maybe hoping someone would say you are blowing this out of proportion.
> 30 years of memories and working together to raise 3 kids - great kids, build 3 homes, cancer, heart failure and loss of parents actually meant something.
> 
> I guess maybe it does but just not what I thought it did. That for all the years we couldn't stand to be apart that was real that it meant something but what do I know?
> ...


It's pointless because one suggestion leads you to divorce. If it means anything to you then you would put forth a proper effort to work through your marriage and speak to your wife. 30 years is a lot of memories good and bad. I can't imagine that at this point in my life. However, if you wish to keep a hold of it, one person's jaded opinion wouldn't push you so far.

In regards to your wife, it seems she has pushed you away and this person (her boss) has ignited a passion. Whether she is having a proper affair or not, I can't tell you. But I think communicating to her your feelings and determining the type of relationship she has with her boss is a good first step. It could be a close friendship that is becoming emotional or a full blown affair.

I say your original post is pointless because you don't even seem interested in fighting or working on anything. 

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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

But playing the pick me game is pointless.

I would never advise someone to start trying to convince their spouse to give up an affair partner and come back home humble and ready to make nice just because the poster asks.

Once his wife started that emotional affair, everything changed. 

They drifted apart. At that point they should have fought for their marriage. Then was the time to play every card in the deck to get the love back. But not after the affair starts.

Then it's time for fire and brimstone.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You're best friends with her. But you won't talk to her about the affair ahead having, you wont address why you and your WIFE don't have sex.....

If she's able to physically have sex and you're not having sex with her....... it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out she might want to have sex with someone. And the most common recipient is a man giving her attention. Someone she thinks "gets her"...
Yeah, 30 years doesn't mean **** to a woman when they decide someone else "gets them".

Why aren't you and your wife having sex.

This is the heart of the problem.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Sounds like he is her work spouse. But if they cross a professional boundary, you can report them to HR.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

ROBERTLJONES said:


> Because I was still maybe hoping someone would say you are blowing this out of proportion.
> 30 years of memories and working together to raise 3 kids - great kids, build 3 homes, cancer, heart failure and loss of parents actually meant something.
> 
> I guess maybe it does but just not what I thought it did. That for all the years we couldn't stand to be apart that was real that it meant something but what do I know?
> ...


I think you are reading and responding only to the negative posts. You are finding what you want to find.

You simply need to talk to your wife about this. There is no way for this to be fixed and your marriage saved unless you step up and address it. At this point, all you know is that your wife MIGHT be in the beginning of an affair. The signs are not good. No sex, starting fights, talking up the other guy, it's all red flags. But that's all it is right now, a red flag. Some intervention on your part might just show your wife you care and it might just save your marriage.

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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

ROBERTLJONES said:


> Because I was still maybe hoping someone would say you are blowing this out of proportion.
> 30 years of memories and working together to raise 3 kids - great kids, build 3 homes, cancer, heart failure and loss of parents actually meant something.


No you're not blowing it out of proportion.

However, it isn't the end of the world. Keep in mind that one of the first things recommended is the very strong action when dealing with a wandering spouse. Shock and Awe. Filing for divorce puts the ball in their court to either give up on the affair or lose the marriage. This move is almost always the best first move to saving your marriage.

Now I think you may be giving up too soon. But you aren't over-estimating the level of betrayal and damage she is engaged in. There is a good chance she will react to filing for divorce by seeing reality, or at least seeing a good portion of it.

There are a number of good books on emotional affairs. The one frequently recommended is "Not Just Friends". I have not read it. A book I very much like, if you are going to attempt R, is "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. The latter book provides a good roadmap and it explains to both sides what the other is thinking and needing. She does not coddle or excuse the cheater at all, but she does explain to the betrayed what the cheater is thinking and going through during R. More importantly, she explains to the cheater what you the betrayed need from her. So it isn't just you telling your W you need to see or hear various things, it is in a book from an expert who tells the cheater how critical these things are.

My big concern today is whether there is a chance this affair goes physical before you can hit her with Shock and Awe. If there is, I think you hit her with papers immediately. Once the PA starts it is so much harder to recover the marriage.

Handing papers to her does not mean you end up divorced. She has the opportunity to earn you back. It is a strong move because she has to do A+ work. Usually people don't file D, instead they try to reason with the cheater and explain how they want to fix the marriage. The cheater knows they only have to do D- work, just whatever is barely enough to keep you from leaving.

At this point I think you should learn about boundaries, both individual and around a marriage. This is a good entre to discussing with her what is going on. Tell her that _for you_ the situation is not acceptable. You can't and shouldn't try to convince her that what she is doing is "wrong" or "cheating", but rather that it is unacceptable to you. You cannot continue in a marriage with a woman who is doing these things.

I also think you need to investigate the possibility it is already physical. That needs to be known.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

30 years of marriage is nothing to sneeze at, but it might also mean that things are routine and need a new lease of life. 

How is the current state of your marriage? Do you have date nights? Does she feel you desire her? Does she feel you're still interested in her and are still attracted to her? Do you initiate conversations with her and talk for hours about nothing? I think the friendship with her boss is giving her some of those exciting feelings when you're starting to get to know someone new. Remember those? If you don't it's time to inject some of that back into your marriage. 

She's probably demonstrating interest in her boss because he has interest in what she has to say and she feels she matters. How is that in relation to how you treat her? I'm not blaming things on you as it takes two and I believe she has poor boundaries.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

ROBERTLJONES said:


> even if I choose to find someone else there is not enough time to even create a smidgen of the memories that I have with her


True but not relevant.

Those memories will always exist. You will continue to have relationships with your children, and as they have families of their own you will enter into new relationships with their spouses and your grandchildren.

You can't have a new family with a new wife and little kids. That much is true. But you will have new experiences and new memories with new women. What you will have will be good.

I used to very much have the same kinds of thoughts and sadness that you do about it. My marriage was 34 yrs. No doubt it would have been comfortable to remain married had the marriage been good. But that wasn't an option any longer for me. For you, if your marriage does end, you will still have all of those old memories. Your kids will still have their memories. I actually have a more mature and deeper relationship with my kids, because now it is just me. I am no longer part of the monolith they saw of "Mom&Dad".


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yes, as Thor points out, please do not try to reason with her and convince her you are right.

You just need to state that for you this behavior is not acceptable. Period. Do not negotiate. Do not attempt to reason with her to get her to see your side.

The instant your stoop to attempting to explain your reasoning for your decision, you become subservient to her. This sounds very macho, and stupid in that cast, but it is the way the world works. In any discussion the person who needs to explain themselves is the one who is subservient to the person they are doing the explaining to. You might think it is like explaining to a child, but it isn't.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ROBERTLJONES said:


> Wife and I married about 30 years. Always each others best friend and rarely fight.
> Move forward to about 8 months ago. She started a new job. All I hear are stories about her boss and how he seems to understand her like no one else. They cut up and carry on but as far as I know no after work contact.
> Wife and I fight now all the time. It's like she goes out of her way to pick a fight. She no longer plays and cuts up with me like she used to. We never talk or talk very little. I think the best way I could describe our current relationship is that I miss her. You know?
> I guess what is bothering me is that she accidentally sent me a text meant for him today and it bothers me. Nothing sexual or anything but you could tell it was the other half of a conversation that was exclusive of everyone else. I even felt like an outsider reading it.
> ...


I think that after 30 years, your marriage is probably worth attempting to save.

I would suggest marital counselling as one option worth exploring. 

Is he married?

How has your marriage been in general up until now?


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

The one that cares the least is the one with the power....if you really would rather just go fishing...then divide up your stuff and go do that. Go live your life...... enjoy it!



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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Id rather see decisive than many of these poor slobbering doormats paralyzed with fear.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You should buy "Not Just Friends" by the late Dr. Shirley Glass.

Your wife is either very close to or having an affair. You do not emotionally invest yourself with a man you are not married to.

Her fighting with you now is indicative of her loyalty to her new man. You are now the outsider and you can do no right. She is succeeding in destroying the relationship because you yourself act like there's not much worth saving anyway.

If she can't show you her phone when you ask, or give you all her social media passwords when you ask, then you have very minimal trust between you and I wouldn't even call you "friends." In a marriage there are no secrets and any opportunity to spend private time with this man must be squashed. The message to send is: I do not share my wife with anyone.

I think there's a good reason to try and heal the marriage, but she must be GENUINELY remorseful. Right now she seems to do what she wants. Is this relationship carrying on over a work phone? If so, very likely they are both in violation of the company's Acceptable Use policy and she could lose her job.

Your wife is in a fog and destroying the marriage. You must shake up her world in an attempt to bring her back to reality. It takes courage and perseverance and zero fear of the outcome to do it right.


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