# Depressed, Anxious, Panicy, Alone....and Co-Dependent



## TheAbstract (Jun 19, 2011)

Hi, I'm brand new at this, so please forgive any faux pas in board etiquette. I'm writing tonight because I feel like I'm having a bit of a breakdown and *need* to write things out to people who will (hopefully) either understand or be empathetic. I'm currently wracked with depression and anxiety and feel like I'm losing my mind. 

I edited a lot out after writing this because I felt like it was just too much for my first post. So, please forgive me if it seems like I've jumped around a bit. 

My wife and I have been married just about 1.5 years. We met through match.com 4 years ago. When we met, my wife was living in NYC and I was living in Ohio, looking for a new job and totally open for NYC. So, I didn't mind that she didn't want to move because I felt like my career options would be better in NYC. My wife was born and raised in Brooklyn, but her parents immigrated from India.

More or less from the first week back from our honeymoon until now, my wife and I have been in marriage counseling. We're both also in individual counseling. We just started our individual counselors a few weeks ago and both of our individual counselors are separate from our marriage counselor. 

Anyway, I feel like I'm drowning from being so alone. I don't feel like I'm ever heard.

My wife is trying to change by going to therapy. She's realized she's too attached to her family and her constant planning was driving me crazy, so there have been a lot less plans.

But the problem isn't just the plans. I feel like my wife has no idea who I am, what's important to me, what I'm feeling, etc. Talking to her is difficult because I feel like even if we have a discussion I find *very* difficult where I tell her how I'm feeling or what I need, she acts like it never happened 5 minutes later. She's very happy and peppy while I'm feeling emotionally devastated. Or she'll try making jokes and tickling me and she takes offense when I tell her I'm just not in the mood. 

I've moved out of our bedroom into the living room. I've never felt comfortable sleeping in the same bed as her because I feel like I'm in bed with a stranger. I've lost all sexual attraction to her and I don't feel like I love her. With the sex...there is some body image stuff there. My wife has gained about 50 pounds since we've been married. I've lost 40 pounds, but that has *really* been an uphill battle. I love running and just being active in general. My wife does not like exercising but loves eating cake and cookies and stuff. I used to exercise a lot, but my wife would constantly make plans that would interfere or come along to the gym and try talking to me the entire time I was on the treadmill or suggest we go for run/walks where I run while she walks and then complain about how we were out for too long after 15 minutes. So, I've basically stopped eating meals in order to give myself enough of a calorie deficit to make up for the unhealthy meals we eat. 

I rarely learn about how my wife actually feels about anything. I used to ask her a lot of questions, but I stopped because every question was an invitation for her to talk for 10, 15, 20, or her record, 35 uninterrupted minutes with random chatter about a plot from a movie, recent news stories, or stories about her parents' life in India. 

When I try talking about how difficult it is for me living in Brooklyn and how lonely I am working from home all day and never seeing my friends or family, she responds with, "Imagine how hard it was for my parents to have moved here..." and goes on with a long story about how different travel was in the 70s. 

I badly miss being connected to people, being a part of a larger group and having a role I fill, just having friends around in general. My wife and my therapists are the only people I see physically see in person every week and it's driving me crazy. 

Further, I'm not sure if any of the therapy is working. My individual therapist thinks I'm full of anger and that's why I'm always depressed and/or anxious....that it's all unexpressed anger. And while I agree with him...I think I'm angry at my wife for never being able to connect with me in any way. She'll suggest we play a board game I like or see a movie I like, but that's about it (and she thinks that's a *MAJOR* thing, too). 

I told her once "I moved to NYC for you, leaving all my family and friends and changing my job for you. I moved to Hawaii for you, changing my job again. I moved back to NYC for you, changing my job around again. What have you done for me?" Her response was "I let you choose the TV channel occasionally...."

I realize that's not a therapist approved way of asking that question of someone, but I was really past my limit that day. Anyway, she's now open to trying to doing things I like...but that's about it. 

She does want to take a trip together somewhere, but I don't feel comfortable spending too much time around her. 

I know why I haven't left yet...I'm co-dependent and I just can't seem to leave.... That's why she got married. She told me after about 1.5 years I had to propose to her or she'd leave...and I felt like I didn't know her well enough yet, so I proposed so she wouldn't leave. I take full responsibility for my codependency. 

But I am leaving. I told her I'm going back to Ohio next week with the intent of signing a lease. I told her I need to be there at least 2 weeks of the month and I need her to make the effort to come out to see me and get to know my friends and live in my world. She was way more upset with me for telling her at when she thought it was a bad time than for me telling her about signing a lease. In fact, the way she's been acting and talking, it feels to me like she doesn't know even though we had a very clear 2-way conversation about it.

I think this is why I feel so lost and confused...I feel like we're having two completely different relationships and I don't know how to communicate with her. Worse, I don't think I even care anymore. I'm just terrified of thinking about how wonderful she is and how I made a huge mistake if I do leave. 

I don't even know what I'm looking for in writing all this. I guess I just want people to give me feedback...any feedback.


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## Anomoley (Jun 13, 2011)

I certainly am not a relationship pro, by any means, but it seems quite obvious that your wife isn't putting forth any effort whatsoever -- not just into your marriage, but simply into getting to know you. 

And that, in my opinion is a major problem -- because without basic understanding and communication, you've got no foundation for a relationship of any kind. 

I've always been a believer that most problems can be resolved (as you've seen in my own thread, I'm currently working to resolve an issue that's seen as irreparable by most members of this board...lol), but the thing that makes me put forth effort, is that my husband and I still speak the same language. I feel connected when we interact, and that has gotten us through a lot thus far. 

Based on what you're describing, it sounds like she completely misreads your body language, misses your point entirely when you actually try to speak with her, and is far too self-centered to even begin to understand where you're coming from. 

Bottom line: You ARE doing the right thing by leaving and going back home, where you'll be surrounded by friends. It's obvious that you're in dire need of that right now, regardless of how your marriage turns out.

And guess what else? 

You've been making sacrifices for her since the beginning; it's about time she gets the opportunity to make an effort to meet you halfway (figuratively and literally). If she can't be bothered to do that much, then she certainly isn't even close to being the "wonderful" girl you think she is. 

You've got absolutely nothing to lose! 

Hang in there, and stay on your path. All my best to you.


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

Hear, hear. I doubt I can throw a lot of useful or new advice your way, but I offer support. You seem to be doing what you need to be doing. Moving back to Ohio may break you free, or it could even prime your relationship back into being - assuming that's something you'd still want. 

Either way, being back among friends should help a great deal. I'll mention that I had myself in such a place for a while - isolated, only a few people that I interacted with and none of them "friends". I took a much less direct path than you are taking. It's worked, but it's been slow. I think you've got the right idea.

Keep it up


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I can tell you what's wrong. Your defining your happiness entirely upon your wife. When SHE does things for you, you feel great. When YOU do things for her, but she doesn't fall at your feet in adoration you feel terrible. 

Lots about your post concerns me. One, you will do anything for your wife, to the extent of sacrificing your own plans and dreams, in the hopes that this will make her love you more. You seem to have put your wife on a pedestal, treating her like a princess. This is a wrong attitude to take. You need to go read up on The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference, and see if any of that post describes you at all. If so, it's time to Man Up. Read the books recommended in the above link. Go to marriedmansexlife.com and read up on Beta and Alpha traits. You may need to become more Alpha in your behaviours, to get that respect you need in a relationship.

Your wife is also disrespecting both your boundaries and your feelings. This is related to having to Man Up. You have done everything for her, and in essence, consciously or not in her mind, you gave your wife the impression that you are less important than her in your relationship. Please read this thread on Reinforcing your Boundaries in your relationship.

If you find that this is you, then also go to the Men's Clubhouse forum here, and ask a lot of questions, and read a lot of posts about manning up, reinforcing boundaries, passing fitness tests, and becoming more Alpha in your relationship.

When you become a Nice Guy, your wife loses respect for you, your feelings, and your importance in the marriage. With loss of respect comes loss of desire. Next, comes loss of sex. And as you experienced, a lot of resentment.

Be strong, friend. Lots of help her on TalkAboutMarriage.


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## TheAbstract (Jun 19, 2011)

Thanks, everyone, for your input. 

Anomoley - I feel like your my first friend on here! ^_^ Anyway, this is the problem we have that makes me not want to have sex with my wife - there's just no communication at all. Well, there is, but it feels like every single topic follows the same pattern...no matter what we're talking about, it always ends up being about her and how my problem is just like her problem...and then my problem ends up minimized or I'm told she deals with it so why can't I. And it's like...I'm really struggling in trying to live in my current life and I can't even talk to her about these struggles. And then I end up feeling more isolated and...well, you really hit the problem exactly. 

Robrobb - I appreciate your support. Which path did you take? 

AlphaOmega - I feel like you have a lot in your post that's right and wrong, but I appreciate the feedback all the same. When my wife does things for me, I feel awful. I've never felt happiness from anything she's done. When I used to do stuff for her, I don't want her to fall at my feet in adulation, I just hoped she wouldn't criticize me for it. 

I totally agree with you I gave my wife the impression she is more important than me in the relationship. I'm not saying that to be a martyr, just to own up for what I did. But at the time, I had the more flexible life and she didn't. I thought I was committing to the marriage.

BTW - *I* stopped desiring her. She still wants to have sex with me. So, there's that messed up dynamic, too.


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## TheAbstract (Jun 19, 2011)

AlphaOmega - I thought about this and slept on this because I don't want to come off like a jerk when I'm the new guy, but you really don't know what you're talking about. You're projecting your old problems onto me and I don't appreciate that. 

I'm not defining my happiness based on my wife. If I was, I would sleep in the same bed as her because that's what she wants. I would have sex with her because that's what she wants. I would attend every family function and go out with her friends all the time and never, ever voice a negative thought because that's what she wants. 

I do, however, define myself by my wife's hurt. If she hurts, then I hurt, and that's why I was always so hesitant to leave. 

As it is, I'm just trying to avoid constantly fighting with her because I'm miserable. I'm miserable because I can't share my feelings with her because she drowns me out. I resent that I left a life I belonged to and tried to fit into her life. 

I'm depressed because it didn't work and I don't know what's "right" anymore. I'm depressed because I've tried talking to her and nothing I say seems to affect her at all.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Awesome! So now your getting more to the root of the problem, and analyzing it a bit further. The more you question yourself, and analyze your feeling, and ask more questions here to people that have gone through similar situations, then the better your state of mind will be to figure out what YOU need, either from this marriage, or without it. 

What about the fighting? Have you found ways to just not fight? Do you walk away sometimes, telling her you will talk later when she's ready to be more considerate of your feelings? This isn't a solution, but it may just help your stress level to not feel like you need to engage in the arguments. That way, you can clear your head a bit before emotions cloud your judgement if you find yourself getting frustrated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheAbstract (Jun 19, 2011)

Alpha, 

I may be reading too far into this, but I think you did what my individual therapist purposely did a few weeks ago - pushed me into giving my honest reaction and not the reaction I think he, or in this case, you wanted to hear. 

The fighting....I've tried the approach of asking for space, but she usually keeps on talking anyway because she feels bad and that usually leads to me getting angry at her for not giving me the space I asked for to calm down. It's a bad loop that usually ends with her in tears calling her friend for support and me feeling bad. but telling myself I shouldn't. 

And yeah, I have walked away a lot so we don't get in to topics that will create a fight, but then it's just one more thing we can't talk about.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

You should read "Hold onto your n.u.t.s"

This book deals with holding onto your boundaries, which you may not have a problem with, not sure. But there are good techniques in that book about sorting out your feelings in what should bother you an what you decide is trivial. Sometimes, we group all our emotions in one big bucket when we are so stressed its hard to sort them out. This book helps you sort them out. 

Depending upon your situation, you can discard what you don't need from the book and what makes sense for you.

You might not be full of anger like your therapist indicated. You may be full of "everything", so it all feels the same. Internalizing everything as anger is common.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheAbstract (Jun 19, 2011)

I just bought the book for my Kindle. I'll give it a shot and let you know what I think.


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## Giavi (Jun 22, 2011)

I think you married to fast.... take a step back and think what will make you Happy!


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