# Wife left, no communication....salvageable?? Help



## parv01 (Jan 1, 2009)

Hi

Hopefully you can advise me in what route you think i should take. I am pleased to see so many caring individuals who are willing to take time out to help.

Here's the background;
My wife left me at the beginning of Dec 08. She has done this 2 times before because she needed some space.

I came back from visiting relatives on the weekend whilst she was with her sisters and friends celebrating a birthday. When i returned on Sunday, i could tell she was a bit cold with me and i thought we've been here before and she just needs a bit of space this evening.

Next morning she went to work. I did try calling during the day but no answer, she then texted me to say that she's getting those funny feelings about us again and we need to talk when she gets home.

She got home and we talked. She said that something has switched off inside her regarding feelings for me. She says she know's that i'm flirting with other girls cos she has checked my mobile and found a couple of texts that she didn't like. she says she also doesn't believe me when i say i'm not talking to a friend of mine who she previously banned me from talking to about 2 years ago.

I hope this is making sense so far.

So that evening I got a bit annoyed and said that 'you do this to me every 3 to 6 months and it needs to stop', she said that she didn't plan to do this, its just the way that she now feels and that she has been trying since we got married; 3 years.

I'm going to get to the leaving part.

So Tuesday she left for work, then in the evening i went to college to do an exam. Just as I was sitting down to start the exam, she sends me a text saying 'moved some stuff out, dont worry i'm safe, pls be strong'. Well, to say the least, I messed up the exam. So she left without talking to me or telling me any of the reasons.

I tried calling but obviously no answer. The next day i called her mum and asked her whats going on. Her mum, who i thought I got on with, just ended up getting angry at me and blaming me. Over the next few days I called up her sister and asked her what she thinks i should do, she said just give her some time.

I did leave it until the weekend when I thought she would be back. She didnt call.

So I tried calling during the second week and she sent me a text back saying 'please stop calling, there's nothing left to say. to late to say sorry'.

The end of the second week, she said that she is coming over to talk to me. She came over on the weekend with her friend and sister. She talked to me saying that she's made up her mind and there is nothing that i can say to change her mind. I asked her why, what were the reasons, she said that she doesnt trust me and that i'm talking to other girls behind her back. Other things also include that i talk down to her, she things that I think she is stupid, she feels guilty when she goes out with her friends cos she's constantly thinking that she has to go home to her husband!!! She says her feelings for me have gone and there's nothing i can say to change them. She then called her sister and friend in who packed her stuff for her. she then left.

Devastated is just one of the emotions that i felt.

Since then i thought i've got to give her her space otherwise i'll just keep pushing her away.

I called her sister and asked her for her advice regards to me calling and does she think its still too early for me to call as she might still be angry with me. Her sister said that she will text her and get her to call me. But her sister said that she thinks that my wife is still feeling the same way and hasn't changed her mind.

during that evening, my wife called and we did talk and i tried to keep a positive tone in my voice which she did pick up on, but was still of the mindset that its not going to work and i should just move on with my life and take the lessons i've learnt to the next relationship.

Friend have been giving advice, and yes I have been giving her the space and I haven't contacted her since the last time we spoke; just before new year.

I would appreciate your input on things and do you think i can get things to work . I am aware that it does take 2 people for a marriage to work and I do want it to work. But remember, she wont talk to me, has dimissed counselling and has repeatedly told me its broken/over. Her family are supporting her decision whatever that may be.... understandably.

I have to say I am guilty of some of the things she mentions; i can come across as condescending some times, I seem to always know the right answer which annoys her ( i dont do it on purpose), some of my texts to my friends might be read as flirting, when she asks me to put the washing in the machine in the morning, i might forget then when she comes home she gets annoyed.

I'm sure there may be questions that you guys might have, just ask and i'll answer them.

Thanks


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

parv01 said:


> So that evening I got a bit annoyed and said that 'you do this to me every 3 to 6 months and it needs to stop', she said that she didn't plan to do this, its just the way that she now feels and that she has been trying since we got married; 3 years.


Why did she ban you from your friend 2 years ago? Has there been any reason in your past together that has broken her trust in you? The reason I ask is that she seems to have a reason not to trust you, hence checking your phone, and when she found something questionable (flirting) she really took it as betrayal. If she has a past reason for her sensitivity, the above comment you made probably made her feel that you are not sensitive to her feelings and won't be down the road, so she either needs to deal with it or leave. The question is, does she have a reason for not trusting you based on something in the past, or is she irrationally insecure?


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## parv01 (Jan 1, 2009)

Hi

She banned me from seeing my first friend 'S' because they never talked to each other and i used to talk to 'S' 2/3 times a week for 30 minutes, so they never built up a relationship. 'S' was a very good friend of mine, yes 'S' is a girl. I did chat to my friend in front of my wife so i didn't hide my relationship with her. But the banning was ok, until i messed up just before my 1st wedding anniversary. 

I went in to town to buy her an anniversary present. The shop i went to didn't have the earrings i had seen but said that a shop in another town did have them and they will hold them for me. The town is the same town that 'S' lives in. I went into the 'banned town', got the earrings and came back home. I did know that my wife wouldn't like me going to the banned town but at the time all i thought was that its my wedding anniversary and the last thing i want is not to have a present for my wife on our 1st wedding anniversary.

A few months went by and then she found the receipt with the name of the town on it. That was the first time that she left for some space. I did apologise, but in her head she assumed that i went to see my friend. We did talk about it and i made her a promise that i would never do that again or go to that town again, which i have stuck to.

But she has never forgotten about the incident and still to this day thinks i'm still in contact with my friend, which i'm not.

Recently we received a dodgy phone call, a girl called our landline saying that my name is Pam, I'm the girl you were dancing with at the party on the weekend. Again this happened in front of my wife so i didnt hide it, but i had no idea who this Pam was. I was actually with my wife and friends on the saturday in question. But that also put more doubt in to my wifes head.

As you can tell, i haven't been helping myself or my marriage along as well as i would've liked.

I'm also a wedding photographer, and my wife did mentionthat when i'm at a wedding, i could be talking to/flirting with anyone, she doesnt know.

I dont mind her checking my phone, I dont think i have anything to hide from her, but i suppose that if you do read a text, it could mean anything if you aren't aware of the context.

I dont know if you would call this irrationally insecure or my insensitivity. I'm sure there are things that i might just see and normal marriage quarrels but she sees them as insensitivity on my part. This is what i'm hoping you might help me to understand


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

your wife sounds like the 1 who's insecure and has a problem. has something happened to her in the past that made her feel like she can't trust men? if so, there's not much you can do coz she's the 1 that would need help and you can't help someone who doesn't want it or doesn't think anything is wrong


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## parv01 (Jan 1, 2009)

Hi Wonder

I dont know of any major happenings in her life prior to me regarding people who may have done something to betray her trust. I was also thinking along the same lines but at the moment i'm thinking its a bit too late to ask her!!

She's never talked about past relationships except when reminiscing about funny things that happened on dates.

But isn't that what everyone wants in a relationship, Trust?
I think she's waiting for me to prove her right, that she cannot trust me, but i haven't given her any solid proof that i've been up to no good.

The last time we talked, my father coughed in the background (i was at mum's house), she asked who was that, and i said nobody. She said i just heard someone cough, i said when i meant nobody i meant nothing important, I just picked the wrong words, but if she doesn't believe that i'm at mum's, she can have a quick chat to mum if she wants, she said no.


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## parv01 (Jan 1, 2009)

I did text her today saying that i'm missing her loads, haven't had any reply back. Hopefully the text has got her thinking about me.

My friend was saying that I need to just give her time.

A question to others who have left and returned. Regardless of what the person you left behind did, did you think about the person back at home. What were you other thoughts. 

I'm trying to gauge what my wife might be thinking.
I'm going out of my mind, just missing her.

I wouldn't be suprised dying from a broken heart.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

If all you're saying is true, then it sounds like your wife is extremely insecure. Sure, I'd be pissed about flirty text messages, but it's not a reason to end a marriage without at least going to counseling first. And it wouldn't be a strong enough reason to leave someone you're in love with.

The fact that she said she feels the pressure to return home to her husband when she's partying with her friends and doesn't like it suggests to me that she just wants her freedom to date.

I'll be honest. I think she's just not in love with you. You can wreck your brain trying to figure out what all happened, but I'm thinking she's just not in love. And if she's done this hot and cold thing the whole time you've been married, then maybe she was never 100% on board in the relationship to begin with.

I say rather than sit around and wait and see what she decides, you start thinking about what YOU want. Can you really trust her anymore? Part of trust in a marriage is based on someone being there and staying there to go through ups and downs with you. Can you trust her to stop abandoning you and the marriage at every whim?


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## parv01 (Jan 1, 2009)

Hi Mslady

I agree that flirty txt messages are not a reason to end a marriage. I have suggested counselling but she's adamant that she doesn't want to even contemplate it.

I dont know if dating is what she wants to do. She has said before that you shouldn't cheat on someone, if you want to be with someone else, finish the first relationship then move on.

Her not in love; she has said that her feelings have just switched off. But can you really just switch off and never feel anything ever again? She's only done this a couple of times before and the first time was May08 then again Oct08.

I have tried moving on, but the pull of my wife is just too strong. Do i trust her, I have to say yes. She hasn't given me any reason not to, but i dont know if she is strong enough to be married to me. Its not as if i'm asking for anything major or treated her in a manner that may seem abusive.
If we had counselling, it may stop her abandoning the marriage at every whim, but there is never a guarantee. I suppose that's what you mean about trust.

I've been talking to friends and some say that she may eventually start missing you as she hasn't got the christmas holidays to think about and things go back to normal for her. Others have also been through similiar things and said that they just wanted space and freedom to breathe for a while in order to relax and get things back to perspective.

Has anyone here left and returned?


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## parv01 (Jan 1, 2009)

I'm considering sending her some flowers.

We haven't talked since just before the new year, am I pushing too hard or is it a lost cause?


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## parv01 (Jan 1, 2009)

:scratchhead:Hi Mommy2

I cant remember if I've said this before, but her issue was over 2 text msgs. One text was to a male friend that happened years ago before we even got married, it was something along the lines of 'missing your face' but if she continued reading we were discussing the paintballing session we had. The other text message was that friend's husband called his wife/my friend a 'MILF' and my friend didn't know what it meant and i was just taking the mickey out of her for not knowing. I do understand that reading a text out of context can be misconstrued.

Please dont think that this was a regular texting thing for me.

Regarding fulfilment, I have told her several times that I cant wait to see her at the end of the day. I wait for her to come home and see her gorgeous face. She says that ok but she also wants me to do my own thing, ie going out with friends.:scratchhead:

Please tell me if i'm thinking along the wrong lines.


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## Drwho (Dec 15, 2010)

Parv2 

walk away dont text no contact if she cares for you she will contact you. If you continue to contact and try to be sweet it works in the opposite way. it does not work.

My 2 cents :scratchhead:


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