# Is it only FB?



## FB Widow (Sep 29, 2011)

The D-day (still learning language please bear with me) was 7/8/2011. Feels like years of hell. 
My partner (long term relationship, 3 years) went out with boys on his usual Thursday. I sent him a text around 10 pm and his phone went off (he forgot it). I picked up the phone and opened facebook that he has running on it (as I sometimes do). Next thing I know I’m staring at the thread of mssg’s with his ex (who is btw a blond airhead and 25). Few messages with stuff like (him) ‘I need some spice in my life’ , (her) ‘your poor girlfriend, (him) ‘What about me, I haven’t been touched in two weeks’…
I was in such a state of shock and disbelief…even started laughing not believing what a stupid ape I’m living with.
Then the rage –threw all his clothes out on a driveway, crashed a whole lot of his artwork at the front door (glass everywhere) wrote him a mssg and left in on his pile of clothes saying good luck with C****** (her name)?! Really?! Her?!!! Lol. Do not bother coming in!
He did and was in quite a bit of shock asking what the hell is happening (missed the mssg). We talked that night and he said that was the only thread there was.
Over next few days more started coming out and all of it through me looking and finding things.
She first got in contact with him some 8 months ago saying hi and that is pretty much it. Then in January-February she was asking is it true he was engaged (she’s in contact with his sister), is he going to have a baby?...
Another pause then June-July ‘’poking war’’ at times continual mssg’s, discussing our sex life (see above), my age (39) (her) ‘’didn’t you once tell me you only as old as the woman you are feeling?’’
Then the mssg’s progressed to something like this (him)‘’don’t you love poking too? As far as I recall, you are mad for it…’’
(Her) ‘’Lol, no they drive me crazy! I’m still single, kinda miss sleeping with someone though lol oh well what can you do You love poking’’.
Then him promising to handcuff her, calling her naughty girl, hoping her dreams are naughty he thinks his might be, promising to poke her again..
To cut this ‘novel’ down a bit since he said he loves me, wants to be with me not her. After lot of denial sort of accepted he’s done a wrong thing and stopped saying ‘’it was harmless flirting’’. First blocked her from FB and then erased his account few days later.
We are going to see counsellor on Saturday. My problem is I can’t seem to move on. I have my good days and then really bad ones when I’m looking her up, digging for any traces that he did anything else…or any net activity.
He denies anything else but what I have found and says it was all FB. She did unprompted give him her her mobile no, he says he never used it.
How can I believe this? It is eating me alive that it could be more there….
Where from here? I am so anxious and paranoid all the time. Plus angry, hurt…


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Okay..this might not exactly be the advice you want. And in the end only YOU can really decide what you want and whats best for you and your relationship. You know him, not me. 

Think really hard about the past 3 years. Dont try to make excuses for him..but just think and reflect on your relationship. Has he ever came home with a sketchy story before, or done anything to give you the slightest hint that he's up to no good. Thats really the only way youll be able to make a sound decision based on what your given. 

I wont get into my story..but basically, Ive been finding out little by little..by prying..and reconsidering his stories..other things he had done to me. And it is def going to play a big part in my decision of whether or not to D.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I couldn't forget about that.

I'd have to kick him out and work on me. Screw that guy...he didn't give a crap about you while talking to that hooker.


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## FB Widow (Sep 29, 2011)

Thanks Nikki. Yes, he occasionally fibbed a bit. More like omitted to tell the full truth, but that was usually pretty harmless stuff like organising something with the boys and telling me later than he should, or staying later than he indicated...

I have been wondering about everything, scrutinising every detail of my life...it is exhausting me and I don't seem to get any more clarity..

I'm wondering if I should ask him for his phone records or not...


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## FB Widow (Sep 29, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I couldn't forget about that.
> 
> I'd have to kick him out and work on me. Screw that guy...he didn't give a crap about you while talking to that hooker.


You are right, he didn't. I can't get those lines out of my head, it's killing me


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

FB Widow said:


> *I have been wondering about everything, scrutinising every detail of my life...it is exhausting me and I don't seem to get any more clarity..
> *


And this is how your life will be from this point forward. Do you want to live like this?


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

And doing that could help ( the scrutinizing) , or make you feel worse. Im starting to realize once a person lies and deceives..its really hard to believe anything that comes out of their mouth. But if you find a way to minimize that, please let me know!! And good luck in whatever you decide to do.


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## FB Widow (Sep 29, 2011)

Nikki1023 said:


> And doing that could help ( the scrutinizing) , or make you feel worse. Im starting to realize once a person lies and deceives..its really hard to believe anything that comes out of their mouth. But if you find a way to minimize that, please let me know!! And good luck in whatever you decide to do.


So far I found it does me even more damage, but if I do find the way will let you know. Thanks


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## FB Widow (Sep 29, 2011)

that_girl said:


> And this is how your life will be from this point forward. Do you want to live like this?


That is a grim prospect. No, I'll probably finish in a loony bin if this continues to feel the way it does


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

FB Widow said:


> That is a grim prospect. No, I'll probably finish in a loony bin if this continues to feel the way it does


Hey, people say it gets better..and I believe it. Im trying the whole, concentrate on myself thing. When raising 2 little girls who arent old enough for school yet, dosent get in my way. 

It has to get better. Where else can it go?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Does it get better while still with the person? I don't know.

Constant reminders would drive me crazy.


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Does it get better while still with the person? I don't know.
> 
> Constant reminders would drive me crazy.


I hope it does. But Im starting to feel reluctant.


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## FB Widow (Sep 29, 2011)

Nikki1023 said:


> Hey, people say it gets better..and I believe it. Im trying the whole, concentrate on myself thing. When raising 2 little girls who arent old enough for school yet, dosent get in my way.
> 
> It has to get better. Where else can it go?


I truly hope so...for a while I feel that way then I sink again. I also have a 5 y.o. from a previous relationship (13 years) and she is really attached to him which makes things so much harder for me.

Thanks for your kind words, I want to believe there is hope!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

FB Widow said:


> I truly hope so...for a while I feel that way then I sink again. I also have a 5 y.o. from a previous relationship (13 years) and she is really attached to him which makes things so much harder for me.
> 
> Thanks for your kind words, I want to believe there is hope!


He has to be completely honest for any hope. If he is cheating he won't volunteer any info. You will have to dig for it.


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## FB Widow (Sep 29, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Does it get better while still with the person? I don't know.
> 
> Constant reminders would drive me crazy.



The thing is my 3 closest girlfriends are all divided on it. Two of them think I am making a bit too much out of it and it was just a ''stupid ego thing'' and one is horrified and says we need separation in order to work things out.

This is obviously something you did?


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## FB Widow (Sep 29, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> He has to be completely honest for any hope. If he is cheating he won't volunteer any info. You will have to dig for it.


That is exactly what I think. I can't come to any decision unless I know everything. The thing is by now he swept everything clean if there was something, I'm sure of that.


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## FB Widow (Sep 29, 2011)

We went to counselling on Saturday. Not really sure if it’s going to bear any fruit. 
I was the one that was stressed, not him. He tried to ‘wax lyrical’ and tell me all the nice things (ok, some of them felt good, while at the same time I have a voice in my ear screaming “he’s lying to you!!!’).
The session (after initial 10 minutes) turned to what was happening with him during this time. Earlier, when we spoke about it, he pretty much said ‘I was bored’. When I retorted that his line sounded ‘brain-dead’, he said we were going through ‘the rough patch’ (I thought it was not anything out of ordinary). 
Now with the psychologist he is saying we were fighting a lot (?!ok…) and he felt ‘we were not communicating’. The psychologist even went down the garden path: ‘did you find you can discuss these things with ‘’her’’ and was she providing advice in that sense?’
It’s only after I intervened: ‘she’s 25, a hairdresser and likes all things pink?!!!’ did the tone change from ‘poor him’. Don’t get it?! Is it some sort of an excuse? He was saying he works that hard he comes home dead (granted, hard but not that hard). So how TF*** does he ‘’need more spice in his life’’ if he is that dead tired?!
I felt he was indulged beyond belief in that first session. Is that how things normally go? Sort of trying to equalise the blame? I haven’t had any experience with it and that is how I felt it went…
Any thoughts appreciated


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

FB Widow said:


> We went to counselling on Saturday. Not really sure if it’s going to bear any fruit.
> I was the one that was stressed, not him. He tried to ‘wax lyrical’ and tell me all the nice things (ok, some of them felt good, while at the same time I have a voice in my ear screaming “he’s lying to you!!!’).
> The session (after initial 10 minutes) turned to what was happening with him during this time. Earlier, when we spoke about it, he pretty much said ‘I was bored’. When I retorted that his line sounded ‘brain-dead’, he said we were going through ‘the rough patch’ (I thought it was not anything out of ordinary).
> Now with the psychologist he is saying we were fighting a lot (?!ok…) and he felt ‘we were not communicating’. The psychologist even went down the garden path: ‘did you find you can discuss these things with ‘’her’’ and was she providing advice in that sense?’
> ...



You may have to find another MC. The WS is already in La La land, he does not need a MC to help him remain there. We were "rocky" according to my WS. The problem with that was that he didn't bother to tell me that. He told the potential AP, and she said the same about her marriage. A competent MC will focus on the fact that there is no good reason for betrayal, period. That it is the wrong way to solve whatever problem the WS seems to think there is. My MC wanted him to evaluate himself, and try to understand why he chose such a destructive way of dealing with his feelings. She asked him to put himself in my shoes and try to imagine how he would feel if I were the one with a young lover. It was amazingly effective. She then set him up with an IC because he had childhood issues that she felt contributed to his A.


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## FB Widow (Sep 29, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> You may have to find another MC. The WS is already in La La land, he does not need a MC to help him remain there. We were "rocky" according to my WS. The problem with that was that he didn't bother to tell me that. He told the potential AP, and she said the same about her marriage. A competent MC will focus on the fact that there is no good reason for betrayal, period. That it is the wrong way to solve whatever problem the WS seems to think there is. My MC wanted him to evaluate himself, and try to understand why he chose such a destructive way of dealing with his feelings. She asked him to put himself in my shoes and try to imagine how he would feel if I were the one with a young lover. It was amazingly effective. She then set him up with an IC because he had childhood issues that she felt contributed to his A.



Thank you, that is a really comprehensive advice. As you said – I need him to snap out of ‘La-la land’ and stop justifying it to any extent. I’ll go again this Saturday, but if it continues in the same fashion I will look for another MC.
Thanks again!


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