# Advice Wanted - Wife with new male travel friend



## jstly (Oct 8, 2013)

I'm sure every marriage can be described as a complex relationship, and mine is no exception. After 10 years of marriage, and 15 years of being together, I suspect my wife might be about to cheat, or have cheated. Before we had children, when we were in our roaring 20's, I made it clear that I would like my wife to have sex with other men. This theme found its way into sexual role playing often, and continued for many years. I went as far as to tell her she had my permission to have sex with any guy she pleased, something I told her on many occasions. If she ever took me up on that deal, she was to tell me about it and I can report she has never admitted to doing so. Flash forward a few years and our sex life is certainly less that it was. Time and opportunity are lacking with children keeping us busy etc. Additionally, D travels often for work, and it is not unusual for her to go to dinner with work associates. What is strange is the emergence of a guy who consults for another company who is often at meetings she attends now seeming like her best buddy. She has gone out to nice dinners alone with him at least once, and has indicated she's going to again when they go to Miami in a few weeks. My read is one of 3 possibilities. One, she might be "teasing" me a bit with her new "friend", but theres nothing going on. Two, there's nothing romantic going on, so she thinks nothing of telling me about him. Three, there's something going on or about to happen. In any case, I'm sure I'll have to ask him about her new friend in the very near future. What I can't determine is how I should approach the situation, considering that she technically has my permission (last time I reminded her was maybe 3 years ago). Considering that our intimacy has gone from hot to luke warm, any advice on what she might be up to or how to proceed would be appreciated.

Thanks,

J


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

jstly said:


> I'm sure every marriage can be described as a complex relationship, and mine is no exception. After 10 years of marriage, and 15 years of being together, I suspect my wife might be about to cheat, or have cheated. Before we had children, when we were in our roaring 20's, I made it clear that I would like my wife to have sex with other men. This theme found its way into sexual role playing often, and continued for many years. I went as far as to tell her she had my permission to have sex with any guy she pleased, something I told her on many occasions. If she ever took me up on that deal, she was to tell me about it and I can report she has never admitted to doing so. Flash forward a few years and our sex life is certainly less that it was. Time and opportunity are lacking with children keeping us busy etc. Additionally, D travels often for work, and it is not unusual for her to go to dinner with work associates. What is strange is the emergence of a guy who consults for another company who is often at meetings she attends now seeming like her best buddy. She has gone out to nice dinners alone with him at least once, and has indicated she's going to again when they go to Miami in a few weeks. My read is one of 3 possibilities. One, she might be "teasing" me a bit with her new "friend", but theres nothing going on. Two, there's nothing romantic going on, so she thinks nothing of telling me about him. Three, there's something going on or about to happen. In any case, I'm sure I'll have to ask him about her new friend in the very near future. What I can't determine is how I should approach the situation, considering that she technically has my permission (last time I reminded her was maybe 3 years ago). Considering that our intimacy has gone from hot to luke warm, any advice on what she might be up to or how to proceed would be appreciated.
> 
> Thanks,
> 
> J


Advice: Lie in the bed that you have made.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

<unsubscribe>


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Be honest with her. Talk to her. Tell her "you know, when I was young I never thought this sort of thing would make me jealous, but I realized it does. I love you, and I don't feel good about you seeing this guy alone." There is no "technically" here -- the fact that you agreed to something 15 years ago or whenever shouldn't be binding for the rest of your life. The priority is the relationship, not the "terms" you agreed to a long time ago.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

Is this a joke or something?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I'm confused what the problem here is. How to approach her? Just ask her what's going on.


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## jstly (Oct 8, 2013)

What I'm trying to find out is do I need to ask her about this guy. If I suspect something, clearly I have the right to do so. But, they do work together so its not like they're dating. Or are they? That's what I'm struggling with. I don't want to make an issue out of nothing and I'm not clear how I feel about the subject no matter what the answer.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Just talk to her about it. You previously gave her permission, and unless you've changed your mind and TELL her you have, don't complain if she finally takes you up on your offer.

If you haven't set rules and boundaries in place for this activity, you need to do so. There is no reason to NOT ask what's going on and discuss it! Just do it. Then you may know how you feel about it and what to do about it, if anything.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If it's true, and she's fooling around with another man, what the hells the difference that you should know about it. Your the dummy that gave her permission to do it.

Question. What are you getting out of this deal? Does she come home and tell you the gory details and you get excited and have sex? Or are you allowed to go off with another woman? If that's the case then become swingers and go that route. 

Honestly man, you asked for it and now your getting it and now that reality might have reared it's ugly head, your worried. You should have kept your fantasy in your head where it belongs.


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## jbvolley (Apr 14, 2012)

I travel quite a bit for work and am one of only a handful of women in my entire company. I recently went to London and it was me and seven men having dinner in Pubs every night. I am very rarely traveling with other women so I often wonder what my husband thinks when I come home and talk about my week. 

I too have my co-workers that I spend more time with and since I work on longer projects, I often get to know people from onsite. I'm always wondering what my husband thinks when I tell him about going for dinner and drinks with the same man for weeks at a time. We are road warriors and it's sometimes tough to explain life in a hotel to outsiders. It's tough figuring out how to share things with those back home. I know for me - having my husband ask about it helps me feel like things are out in the open and he's not getting jealous or suspicious.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

I don't really understand the logic here. You don't mind your wife sleeping with other guys as long as you know about it. 

So, to be clear, the problem here is not that she might be banging some other dude, but because she didn't tell you about it?


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## jstly (Oct 8, 2013)

jbvolley said:


> I travel quite a bit for work and am one of only a handful of women in my entire company. I recently went to London and it was me and seven men having dinner in Pubs every night. I am very rarely traveling with other women so I often wonder what my husband thinks when I come home and talk about my week.
> 
> I too have my co-workers that I spend more time with and since I work on longer projects, I often get to know people from onsite. I'm always wondering what my husband thinks when I tell him about going for dinner and drinks with the same man for weeks at a time. We are road warriors and it's sometimes tough to explain life in a hotel to outsiders. It's tough figuring out how to share things with those back home. I know for me - having my husband ask about it helps me feel like things are out in the open and he's not getting jealous or suspicious.


Thank you for that reply. I suspect that her dinners with this guy are along the lines of what you've described. I'm sure I'll ask her about it, probably playfully. And for those who ask what I get out of it, you have to realize what I'm describing is closer to role play. We have an otherwise great relationship, just with less physical intimacy due to the demands of family which I'm sure most of you can relate to. For what its worth, my biggest issue is what happens if I ask her about him and she tells me that she's thinking about playing with him. I definitely want to be prepared if I think that's a possibility.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

6301 said:


> If it's true, and she's fooling around with another man, what the hells the difference that you should know about it. Your the dummy that gave her permission to do it.


:iagree:


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

Confused here??? YOU gave her the permission to sleep with other men now you want US here on TAM to give you advise? 
My advise would be to READ What marriage is all about. 

This reminds me now someone I knew H wanted to swing. Then W fell in love with other person H cried. YOU MADE YOUR BED!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

jstly said:


> For what its worth, my biggest issue is what happens if I ask her about him and she tells me that she's thinking about playing with him. I definitely want to be prepared if I think that's a possibility.


You weren't already prepared? You're upset that you told your wife to **** other guys and now she's doing it? This is some reality show BS.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

You know OP. This forum really doesn't cater to folks with extreme views on marriage which include swinging, cuckold, orgies, eating fried twinkies during doggie style, etc. There are plenty of other sites out there that would be much more information and open minded to your query. TAM tends to IMHO to monogamous relationships. Good luck.


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## jstly (Oct 8, 2013)

Sanity said:


> You know OP. This forum really doesn't cater to folks with extreme views on marriage which include swinging, cuckold, orgies, eating fried twinkies during doggie style, etc. There are plenty of other sites out there that would be much more information and open minded to your query. TAM tends to IMHO to monogamous relationships. Good luck.


I don't like twinkies and I wouldn't consider a little fantasy talk in bed an extreme view on marriage, but I am getting the notion that the folks here are not going to get past any of that and answer the question, should I be concerned. Problem is, if I go to the swinger forums, theyre probably going to recommend I let her have her affair. I guess you get the answers youre looking for anyway...


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

jstly said:


> I don't like twinkies and I wouldn't consider a little fantasy talk in bed an extreme view on marriage, but I am getting the notion that the folks here are not going to get past any of that and answer the question, should I be concerned. Problem is, if I go to the swinger forums, theyre probably going to recommend I let her have her affair. I guess you get the answers youre looking for anyway...


Ok, besides our disagreement on what marriage is, is your only problem the fact that she hasn't told you about her potential affair? Or are you worried that you made a mistake by letting her do this?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What question?? You told your wife to go out and get laid by someone else, and now that she's showing signs of doing so you're wondering what she's up to. Duh.


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## jstly (Oct 8, 2013)

someone90 said:


> Ok, besides our disagreement on what marriage is, is your only problem the fact that she hasn't told you about her potential affair? Or are you worried that you made a mistake by letting her do this?


Both, actually. I don't think there's much that people on the outside can recommend other than to talk with her. But I'm wondering what I'm going to hear when I do. Since I communicated a morally casual attitude in the past, I'm not sure what I can say if she says she's been playing with him or is planning to.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

jstly said:


> Both, actually. I don't think there's much that people on the outside can recommend other than to talk with her. But I'm wondering what I'm going to hear when I do. Since I communicated a morally casual attitude in the past, I'm not sure what I can say if she says she's been playing with him or is planning to.


So, tell her you don't want her to be with other men and have a normal marriage. Are you having relations with other women?


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## jstly (Oct 8, 2013)

someone90 said:


> So, tell her you don't want her to be with other men and have a normal marriage. Are you having relations with other women?


No, as long as things haven't gone too far already, I would imagine we're fine. And no, I haven't cheated on her nor plan to. I just wonder what I've set in motion. I plan to talk with her before her trip next week.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I just don't understand completely -- you say should you be "concerned". Well I don't know, should you? Is it ok with you if she sleeps with someone else or not? You have to make up your mind about this. I don't think you have to "sleep in the bed you made" but if you decide you want the bed made a different way you'd better let her know quick!


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

jstly said:


> No, as long as things haven't gone too far already, I would imagine we're fine. And no, I haven't cheated on her nor plan to. I just wonder what I've set in motion. I plan to talk with her before her trip next week.


If you weren't planning on cheating on her and since you're obviously concerned if she does it, why did you tell her it was okay in the first place?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

#1, you know the answer to your question already. To ask us about it is disingenuous at best.

#2, Pandora's box....difficult to shut.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you should be concerned. Concerned that yes, her boundaries are sliding. And also that your feelings are changing. Might be time to do some soul searching and have a clarification talk. Something's are tough to undo...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Well you've told her for years that you don't value her enough to want her to be exclusive , so it's very likely that if he's interested in her that she will dump you and go with him.

Your getting what you sowed. Sorry, but your naivety of being relaxed sexually screams to her that you don't value her.


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