# is it possible to bring love back? Or once it's gone, is it gone?



## wilted_flower (Jul 25, 2010)

When two people fall out of love... 

Is it due to behavioral choices, or is it simply that it's not meant to be? Are we just not "soul mates," or is it simply that we neglected to nurture something and let it die? 

Is there still possibility of creating a wonderful, fulfilling relationship if both parties are willing? 

My husband says we have been living a lie this whole time (4 years together, one year married), and at first I couldn't disagree... but the more I think about it, the more I truly believe that this can't be true. I DO love him... but have spent much of this relationship guarded based on his defense. There have been dynamics at play that can be explained as to how we got to this present situation. 

And things were so good at first... there was connection and understanding and openness... it was the perfect relationship... until we both stopped attending to it consciously. Hoping things would fix themselves... we both have a tendency to sweep things under the rug, and we work so well together that it was easy to let so much time go by. Also keep in mind that we have had the first year of marriage with great obstacles- he travels much of the time and I just switched careers and am going to grad school- we don't have much time for each other (and haven't throughout the course of our relationship)... and just haven't learned to make each other a priority. 

if that's the case, and two people have spent much of their relationship (most of it) disconnected and not nurturing each other... can you bring "that feeling" back? Can you fall back in love? 

My husband is adamant about the fact that there's no way to bring it back and we'd better just quit now while we're ahead. He says that there's no point to try to make it work because we would be just continuing to "live a lie." 

Keep in mind we've only been discussing these particular issues for less than a week. And we broke the pattern of disconnection just a few weeks ago. But I do agree that our dysfunction and disconnect have been going on for years, even before the wedding. 

I, on the other hand, believe that there are specific actions and choices we have made throughout the marriage that we can work on, and that there are actions and choices we can make now to create a fulfilling, nurturing relationship. 

At the very least, I think we should try counseling before we throw in the towel. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I am open to the fact that our relationship might be irreparable, I just wish he would be open to the fact that things can get better. Be great, in fact. He has said many times that he "loves me, but just doesn't think we are in love with each other, nor have been for a very long time." 

It just hurts so much that he's so adamant, just out of the blue. 

Is he right? Once it's gone, is it gone? 
Or is it possible to bring love back?


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## wilted_flower (Jul 25, 2010)

thank you for your reply, breeze. It gives me hope. 

Now if only my H would at least see the possibility of positive change... 

It's so odd that he's so logical in ways of work, finance, and general order (i.e. if you set a goal or have a project, these are the steps you take to get there a, b, c, etc...), but when it comes to the most important relationship- the biggest aspect of your life- he doesn't want to take any steps at all. 

I just don't understand.


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## wilted_flower (Jul 25, 2010)

Starship trooper... you sound so angry and cynical about the whole thing... at first I thought you were my husband. But I'm pretty sure he's not on here. 

A couple of things- we haven't broken up yet. The ball isn't in motion and nothing's been filed. 

And we still love each other- my husband's concern is that we aren't "in love" with each other. The premise of bringing the love back, would be dependent upon caring about each other and loving each other as people first. 

We didn't even start fighting until this whole thing came up (the passion and emotion there both a blessing and a curse). 

But my husband has expressed desire to end things "before we start hating each other."


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

At one time I truly wanted to believe that once people fall out of love WITH EACH OTHER, that they could somehow rekindle that love again, I now firmly believe that to not be the case, my feeling is that once a couple who have been together for a time, then fall apart from each other, either find out they do not match up for a lifetime relationship (even if they have children) or they have built up so much indifference that it is to wide a void to bring it back IMO.


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## wilted_flower (Jul 25, 2010)

Oh, 2daughters... I hope that's not the case here... 

But I still think we should... check...


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I agree 'wilted'..on the other hand, I still have and probably always will (only because I did want it to work out for me) have a little dash of someday, something changes where 2 people can reunite...There are couples who do you know, only they are few and far between, you seem like not one to just give up until you can give no more, so in that sense there is hope for you:smthumbup:..and I must say, I for one am pulling for ya


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

wilted_flower said:


> My husband is adamant about the fact that there's no way to bring it back and we'd better just quit now while we're ahead. He says that there's no point to try to make it work because we would be just continuing to "live a lie."


It is what he is saying right here that is So disheartening. I DO believe IF your husband shared your determination, your mindset, your belief in the Rekindling, then YES, it could be brought back. But this is NOT where he is at. No amount of faith on your part can give him this , he has to come to this belief on his own & willingly act on it -to bring it forth. He is not a willing participant at this point. 

It sounds like YOU still love him (why you are so willing to do anything to get back to where you were) , and you said he still says he loves you many times, but at the same time he says " we have been living a lie this whole time (4 years together, one year married)". 

Why does he say this? This statement would put a cloud directly over what you felt was the "perfect relationship". Many people throw around the LOVE word, I have even accused my husband of loving me like his mother sometimes when I was upset -thinking he lacked desire for me. (silly example but all I can think of at the moment). ..... He can still "LOVE" you in the sense he does not want to hurt you, Or does he mean the "sexual attraction kind of love", that he still feels this, just that it is TOO late, he has set this in his mind and is now being unbending. 

It sounds like YOU feel that travels, Grad school, time apart , and sweeping things under the rug (Lack of communication) is what contributed to this breakdown -which makes alot of sense, many relationships wouldn't survive that ! But what does HE feel did this? Have the 2 of you at least had a looonnggng heart to heart about what *HIS* reasons are? Maybe personality differences, different interests, etc. IF his Resons are the same as yours/on the same page, he just needs a new mindset to change his beliefs in how Real LOVE works. It can ebb & flow and again be Revived if given the proper nurishment, time, affection, sex & of coarse honest heartfelt communication (always). 

BUt on the other hand, some men just can't be totally honest with women, they must
spare their feelings, feeling this is better than telling the raw honest truth, and sometimes this hurts even worse. And it leaves so many women hanging , hoping.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Yes it can and my marriage is testament to that. Went through it all. A total disconnect between us, fell out of love, her EA. I got the standard ILYBANILWY speech. The recovery was long, better than 3 years. I fell back in love with her very quickly when I thought I had lost her. For her it was a much longer journey. But we recovered and are happier in our marriage then we had been in years. All the fears, anxiety, tears and pain were worth it. Wish to hell we never gotten to the point we did but ever thankful that we made the effort to recover. The marriage is changed forever but we will never forget the lessons each of us learned over the past few years. We have been together for 25 years.


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## wilted_flower (Jul 25, 2010)

Thank you simplyamorous for your thoughtful response. He and I definitely need to sit down and have an open and honest heart to heart, as we have only discussed this over the telephone line (he's been gone for nearly a month). It's definitely something that needs to be discussed in person. Although I can understand where he's coming from and his confusion (as I feel very similar), I guess we might just have two very different viewpoints as to the nature of love and the nature of marriage. It sounds like he's going to counseling with me so hopefully that's a sign that he believes in the possibility of things becoming good again. 

Amplexor- THANK YOU... it's good to hear an optimistic, positive response... given the nature of the forum it seems that responses might tend toward the negative, but your input is like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. I am glad things worked out for you and that not only did you work on things, but you seem truly happy as well. I hope to have a similar story someday....


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