# I need some advice!



## newwife1 (Jul 20, 2018)

My husband and I fight like any couple, but when fight he gets to a point where he starts saying hurtful things “I wish I never married you”, “your worthless”, “you are the ****ing worst person”. I am now at a point where I just feel so depressed, he rarely has something nice to say about me, is not very affectionate-at all and I just feel so helpless. But what is worse is when I try and talk to him about saying hurtful things, he tells me that it’s my fault and that if I didn’t get him to “that point” he wouldn’t call me names. I need some advice on what to do when he says that, I am stuck and can’t make him understand that being purposely hurtful is not okay.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

That's not just name calling, it's outright emotional abuse but just stating that is not going to help you much. So, let's dig in.

- Have the fights escalated to where he says these types of things recently or have his 'fighting words' always been this harsh?
- How long have you guys been married and was he always mean or did you have a lot of good times/years before this?
- Anything you can think of that would be causing this, no excuse but is he under a lot of stress from work, medical issues, etc?
- Do you have kids, do the kids hear any of these phrases from him to you?

Before I dive into what I think and how wrong this is, would like to know the backstory, just to give it the benefit of the doubt that there's a way to get to him and remedy this.


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## newwife1 (Jul 20, 2018)

@stillfightingforus
We have been together for 2 years and married for a year and a half, no kids yet. This has been happening for the past year. He was never like this for the first year we were together. He was much more loving, affectionate and he wouldn’t say anything hurtful to me. Throughout this past year it has been getting worse, more distance and the words are getting more harsh. 
He works a lot and puts a lot of pressure on hinself. However, he says I give him more stress than working 50 hours + each week. 
The thing I find the hardest is that I can’t talk to him about the harsh things he says without him telling me that it’s my fault he gets to that point. How do I explain to him that he’s just being hurtful?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

newwife1 said:


> My husband and I fight like any couple, but when fight he gets to a point where he starts saying hurtful things “I wish I never married you”, “your worthless”, “you are the f**king worst person”. I am now at a point where I just feel so depressed, he rarely has something nice to say about me, is not very affectionate-at all and I just feel so helpless. But what is worse is when I try and talk to him about saying hurtful things, he tells me that it’s my fault and that if I didn’t get him to “that point” he wouldn’t call me names. I need some advice on what to do when he says that, I am stuck and can’t make him understand that being purposely hurtful is not okay.


Your H needs anger management counseling. Your H is blame shifting his poor behavior unto you. You are not stuck. You advise your H if his behavior continues and he does not seek help with his anger/abusive words you are out(divorce). 

Newwife1....you are in a verbally abusive relationship. Abuse comes in all forms including verbal. Do not stand for it.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I don't understand thinking that fighting is normal in a relationship. I didn't fight with my wife when we were married and the one time I actually wanted to hit her (shortly after I found out she was cheating) I went for a two hour walk instead to calm down so I could interact with her like an adult. When we were married we did have discussions that sometimes involved uncomfortable topics but there was no yelling, name calling, violence, etc. What was your husband's childhood like? Is he mimicking how his parents dealt with conflict?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

newwife1 said:


> @stillfightingforus
> We have been together for 2 years and married for a year and a half, no kids yet. This has been happening for the past year. He was never like this for the first year we were together. He was much more loving, affectionate and he wouldn’t say anything hurtful to me. Throughout this past year it has been getting worse, more distance and the words are getting more harsh.
> He works a lot and puts a lot of pressure on hinself. However, he says I give him more stress than working 50 hours + each week.
> The thing I find the hardest is that I can’t talk to him about the harsh things he says without him telling me that it’s my fault he gets to that point. How do I explain to him that he’s just being hurtful?


Last question, is he drinking when this occurs or not?


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

Agree with everyone, your are being emotionally abused. To treat you like this for a year? I wouldn't be surprised if there's something going on you don't know about. But whatever, this is so not okay.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

newwife1 said:


> My husband and I fight like any couple, but when fight he gets to a point where he starts saying hurtful things “I wish I never married you”, “your worthless”, “you are the ****ing worst person”. I am now at a point where I just feel so depressed, he rarely has something nice to say about me, is not very affectionate-at all and I just feel so helpless. But what is worse is when I try and talk to him about saying hurtful things, he tells me that it’s my fault and that if I didn’t get him to “that point” he wouldn’t call me names. I need some advice on what to do when he says that, I am stuck and can’t make him understand that being purposely hurtful is not okay.


Hand him two sets of papers:-

1) An introduction to a psychiatrist for intensive counselling, treatment and therapy.
2) A set of divorce or separation papers.

You don't deserve to be treated like that.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

NewWife, your responses to StillFighting's questions are very helpful. It also would be helpful if you would provide some additional details. First, has your H been exhibiting a strong fear of abandonment? If so, this fear would have been evident in his being very jealous over minor events or in his attempts to isolate you away from your close friends and family members. It also would have been evident in an inability to trust that you truly love him.

Second, have you seen evidence that he relies heavily on black-white thinking, wherein he tends to categorize everyone (who is close to him) as "all good" or "all bad" -- and may recategorize someone in a few seconds from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor statement or harmless action? B-W thinking also would be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "You ALWAYS..." and "You NEVER...."


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hello new wife. Does he do any drugs or drinking? Has he ever gotten physical? Has your sex life changed since you have been together?


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