# Advice PLEASE!!!!!!!!



## phillybrokenheart (Mar 9, 2012)

I posted this in the divorce and separation but I think it better belongs here....

I've basically been dealing with this somewhat on my own. I do have family and friends around who are here for me, but all think this is the best thing for me, so its hard to express what Im feeling inside to them. 

I do KNOW that this is for the best, but still, I love my husband, no matter what has happened between us. 

So, heres my story:

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. Only married in June! He has two children from a previous relationship, a daughter 8 yrs old and a son almost 7 yrs old. I have a daughter from my first marriage who is also 8 yrs old. 

My first marriage ended because my exhusband was a drug addict, a gambler and verbally abusive. We separated when my daughter was only 3 months old. The difference with that was by the time it came to separation, I had already grieved the loss of that marriage. 

I waited 3 years after that before I even considered getting involved with anyone again. When I met my current husband, we were only friends at first. He being a single dad (their mom has never been in the picture - full blown drug addict) and me being a single mom, we bonded over that. He was a recovering addict (2yrs clean and sober) and was living with his mom and step dad and trying his best to take care of his children. I admired him so much! I had so much respect for him! After 6 months of friendship, we starting dating. We fell in love very quickly.

We had a TON of problems however, and when every one told me to run, it was already too late, I was head over heels! 

I came to find out that his daughter was born addicted to drugs, and it was very obvious. The behavior issues we had with her were seriously a lot to handle. And the abandonment of her biologicial mother, only pushed her issues off the charts! I also came to find out that my husbands own mother was a full blown alcoholic and a very very cold person. 

I felt bad. I felt that I could help. I "thought" that once we were all together as a family, I could show his daughter what a mom is supposed to be. I "thought" once we got them all away from mom-mom, it would be calmer. My husband had relapsed several times thru our relatoinship and I always thought that the pressures of his home and daughter and mom were all to blame. I know it was stupid of me.

So they came to live with me and my daughter almost 2 years ago. Thats when the problems really started. His daughter hates me and my daughter! She caused a lot of stress and problems. I tried to help her, 2 counselors (both basically fired us as patients). But nothing worked! The counselors both said that since dad is not ready to deal with his guilt of how she is and his role in why she is the way she is, there was nothing that they could do to help us. My husband calls her behavior "bubble gum sh*t". If I wrote on one third of the things she has done, your jaws would hit the floor - (but that was for another blog site) Mom mom constantly undermines me and bad mouths me to her. It was awful! 

And yet, still, as much as my gut told me not to, I still married him in June. 

December 8th, I had enough. I told them all to leave. 

That night MY daughter thanked me. 

For the past 13 weeks, my husband has given me one ultimatium after another. I better let them back before Xmas, I better let them back before New Years, I better let them back before my daughters bday, before Valentine's day, etc, etc. 

I have been seeing a counselor of my own (I started before they even moved in) but upped my appointments since the separation. I told my husband that he needed to do what he needed to for him and his daughter. NOTHING! Oh wait, yes, there was a 3 week MAJOR relapse. Thats what he did to help. And of course, it was MY FAULT! If I didnt kick them out, I put him back in the lions den (mom moms), I hurt the kids, I hurt him.

In the past 13 weeks, we gone back and forth, one week he loves me so much, he cant live without me, he will do whatever he needs to, he'll get counseling for him, he'll get counseling for her. But nothing ever comes from it. So when 2 weeks passes with nothing but excuses of why he can't and I say something about it, he flips out and calls me all kinds of names and tells me thats it, he's filing for divorce, changes his phone number (he had 5 phone numbers in 13 weeks). But sure enough 2 weeks after that, he calls again and we're right back at he loves and misses me and is willing to go the ends of earth....

Its been a vicious circle!

So last Thursday, I finally told him I am done, I cant do this anymore. Since this has happened, I am loosing myself - mentally, physically, emotionally. The rollercoaster is killing me! My health is suffering, I've developed panic attacks, Im getting bald spots, Im down to 97 pounds! I told him, thats it - no more! I have to pull myself together and get myself healthy again! I do have my own child who I need to take care of!

Well, this did not go over well with him. He flipped again! 

Our kids are in the same school, our daughters are in the same grade!!! I have already gone to school and spoke to the counselor who called all 3 kids in his office to talk about this and told them that if they ever needed to talk, he would be there to listen.

However, his daughter catches up with mine during recess or bathroom breaks, or lunch and discusses this openly infront of their friends. It embarrasses my daughter. I asked my husband to please speak to her and tell her to keep our private things private. He said he would not! I said, I would talk to her the next time I see her in the school yard. He said if I do he will FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST ME FOR CHILD ABUSE!!! WTF!!!!!

I know that this is the BEST DECISION I HAVE EVER MADE, but how do I make this ok with heart????


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

If you read this from another members thread you would say is she crazy? Run...as fast as you can.
You felt sorry for him in the beginning and wanted to be his savior.
You cannot change someone. It has to be a personal decision.
After his first relase that should have been a red flag that he has more of an issue than you can help him with.
He throws tantrums like a 2 year old and thinks that he can get his way.
That's not fair to you or your child. You need to look at this as a learning experience and move on.
Even if it means changing school districts. You need to disconnect yourself from him and his kids or he will keep finding reasons to contact you.
Take time to heal from this then when you are ready look for a man who has more going for himself and date for a while. No need to rush into another relationship that will end badly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybrokenheart (Mar 9, 2012)

I absolutely AGREE!!! I just wish I can make heart forget that I ever loved him!

Good idea with changing school district, I will def look into other schools for my daughter. I know it would make things easier for her and myself as well. My stepson was the most adorable little guy I have ever been around. He breaks my heart morning after morning to see him waving to me with his sad puppy dog eyes. There is nothing I can do to help him. And not trying to sound mean, but not seeing him each day will help to stop the tugging on my heart strings.

Thanks for advice. 

And as for dating!!! Not a chance! Not aleast ANYTIME within the next few years!!! My walls were so high when I met my husband and he kept insisitng I let them down and let him in and that he would take "Good care" of my heart. So much for that!


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

I am reeling just imagining how much strength it takes to get out of a marriage with an addict, heal yourself and your daughter (which is huge), let down your guard after three whole years, only to have your spirit broken again. You may think this second marriage has tapped you of any ability to trust. That is a tragedy. 

I feel sad that you are going to be forever wary of anyone who will want to get close to you. It's great that you have your daughter. My hopes and prayers and with you.


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## phillybrokenheart (Mar 9, 2012)

Thanks endlessgrief. I'll take all the prayers I can get! LOL!


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Can i get a "amen?"????????????????????????????????? Amen!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

You do know your H is not a recovering addict? He has "relapsed" throughout your whole relationship... He hasn't developed the tools necessary to cope with life, other than drugs. What kind does he use? 

You are doing the absolute best thing that you can for your own daughter, and in order for you to continue healing, it might benefit you to get a restraining order for you and your daughter (especially for your daughter at school). 

You know you can't help an addict until they want help too. My H relapsed once in our marriage, and I immediately filed for divorce. He didn't sign them (duh), and he only got clean because he got thrown in jail. He eventually chose to remain sober on his own and May will be 5 years. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybrokenheart (Mar 9, 2012)

Hi Cherry! Yeah, I do know, you're right, I shouldn't have referred to him as "recovering" addict when anytime he feels the LEAST amount of pressure or stress its straight for the drugs. He is a heavy alcoholic and also crack, heroine, coke, pills, basically anything. 

I know this is the best thing. And for some reason, since I finally put my foot down last Thursday, its slowing becoming more and more bearable each day. I guess because this time, I know Im serious and im not waiting for that text to open the door again in hopes that he is willing to do whats right.

I actually scheduled a vacation for my self and my daughter for the Bahamas. We were all supposed to go as a family twice already but cancelled due to his daughters behavior. (We stopped even going to the park because we always returned home fighting and mad because she would do something off the wall awful and ruin it for the rest of us)

So Im feeling good. Im not a fool, I know this will probably not last, and before you know it, the reality of it being over will hit again, but its here for now and Im savoring it. I keep trying to remind myself of all things my daughter and I can go back to doing now that we are free from the craziness of him and his daughter. 

I'd still love to take my stepson, but its a package deal so I'll pass!

Thanks for the response!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I wanted to clarify, he is out of the home at the moment? Does he have access to any of your money? If he does, just be careful.... My H drained our account just before I filed for divorce. And you can still love your H, but you have to protect your well being.

And take that vacation with your daughter! That would be such a bonding moment after the rollercoaster with your H!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fearful55 (Feb 15, 2012)

Addicts and alcoholics are notorious for believing that they are only hurting themselves. More often than not, their lives are chaos. Forgive me, but this world you have shared is an example of the chaos...and my heart breaks for you. 

You are going to be okay.

Go to narc-anon or al-anon for you and your daughter.

With relapses in the recent past, he is in his 1st year of sobriety again. He needs to take care of business...his sobriety and his daughter. You need to enforce your boundary...he and his daughter are out.

His behavior, all of it, is his disease and what it's done to him. He needs to use a twelve step program to change. Without that change he will be the miserable wrecking machine he is now. Until at least a year of sobriety with hard work in AA or NA, you should not even think about talk of his return to your home or even your life. 

Keep in mind the definition of insanity: Repeating the same behavior expecting different results.

No matter what he says, you are not to blame for any of this madness. Get help for yourself. Be gentle with yourself. You are worth it!


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## phillybrokenheart (Mar 9, 2012)

Yes, he is out, he's been out since December 8th. I went to the bank on December 9th and had my name removed from the checking account and my pay transferred to another account I opened. 

We did have 2 credit cards in both our names (they were his cards, but he needed me as a secondary in order to be approved). He told me if I did not pay those off in full he would run them up and destroy my credit. So as much as I hated to, I paid those both off but I also had the accounts closed all together! He flipped because when he tried to reapply on his own, he was denied. I know it stinks and that closing credit cards is very bad for your credit, but I'd rather have that, then have him running up the bills and me being responsible for it.

He also had a phone, in my name of course, that he cancelled with over a year left on the plan, I'm stuck paying a $300 cancellation fee on that AND he had another phone prior to that one IN MY NAME that he cancelled to get the latest and greatest, that had a $300 cancellation fee that he never paid.

But other than that, everything was in my name.

It took me 3 years to recover financially from my first divorce. I had finally gotten my credit to a very good score, moved my daughter out of the ****ty one bedroom apartment in one of the worst areas in my city into our cute 3 bedroom home in a really nice neighborhood, with a ton of kids on the street and the nicest neighbors you could ask for - and six months after I did all this ON MY OWN, he suggested that we move into together, I stupidly agreed and Im almost right back at square one less than two years later!

I'll tell you, if I haven't learned my lesson this time, then theres no hope for me!


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## phillybrokenheart (Mar 9, 2012)

Thank you fearful55! I am in Al-Anon, although I don't get there as often as I wish. But I do read my books when I can't make it!

As for him and working a 12step program, my feelings for that are a bit twisted. I actually am a daughter of an addict and a sister of an addict (Suprise Suprise!) As with my husband, my dad and my brother, they all do the same thing, when things get this bad and either me, my mom or my sister in law are at our ends, they go back to AA and preach the 12 steps, but never actually put the effort required into it. Its more of a smooth things over thing for them. 

Im not saying I do not believe in AA, but I think that the addict has to be there because they want to be and because they want to change their lives, not just to appease their families.

Plus, my husbands local AA place is really a disgrace. Its a shame. But its just a hang out for people to go and hook up basically. The last time I had enough with my husband (long before we were married, we were broken up, but still supposed to be trying to fix things for us) he went back to AA and got into a sneaky relationship with a girl from AA who "friended" me on facebook (last time I was on there) pretending to be concerned about him and our relationship all the while they were involved. Plus, he was one of 5 in all that she was "involved with". So needless to say, I have a very bad taste in my mouth when it comes to AA - or atleast that particular place, which also happens to be the only one he is willing to go to. 

See its a game, if I "force" him to get help - then (in his words) I am pushing him back in her arms "like I did the last time". OR - I can say no to AA and then its his excuse to not get help.

Vicious circle! No help for us! There is no silver lining in our future. I knew my breaking point would come eventually, I just wish it didn't take this long.

????


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

phillybrokenheart said:


> Yes, he is out, he's been out since December 8th. I went to the bank on December 9th and had my name removed from the checking account and my pay transferred to another account I opened.
> 
> We did have 2 credit cards in both our names (they were his cards, but he needed me as a secondary in order to be approved). He told me if I did not pay those off in full he would run them up and destroy my credit. So as much as I hated to, I paid those both off but I also had the accounts closed all together! He flipped because when he tried to reapply on his own, he was denied. I know it stinks and that closing credit cards is very bad for your credit, but I'd rather have that, then have him running up the bills and me being responsible for it.
> 
> ...


Just keep doing what you're doing, in the scheme of things rebuilding what you've lost, which sounds entirely possible, is a lot less difficult than continuing to live the kind of life you had with your H .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fearful55 (Feb 15, 2012)

Going to AA and working a program are not the same. It sounds like you have seen the former as opposed to the latter.

Someone who is working a program is following the suggestions:

- Don't drink (or drug)

- Go to meetings...a regular rotation of different kinds of meetings: speaker, speaker/discussion, Big Book, Step meetings, etc. Saying he will only go to one meeting is like wearing a neon sign I'M NOT THE LEAST BIT SERIOUS!

- get a sponsor

- Join a group

- Get active with the group. Go on commitments (speak at other meetings), make the coffee, give out the chips, be a greeter, get to know the people who are on the inside...NOT the ones who who hang around the edges and socialize, hook-up, etc.

- Get involved in the steps. Go to step meetings. Work the steps with a sponsor. 

Stick to your boundary. He's out until there is change. he will only do what he needs to do when he's had enough pain. If he's lucky, losing you might be that last proverbial straw. 

For now, you take care of you.


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## phillybrokenheart (Mar 9, 2012)

fearful55 said:


> Going to AA and working a program are not the same. It sounds like you have seen the former as opposed to the latter.
> 
> Someone who is working a program is following the suggestions:
> 
> ...


You are 150% correct!!! I understand that completely! 

Thanks for the support! And I will be taking care of myself from now on. I like the anger stage, lol, feels so much better than the sad stage. Plus I get so more accomplished!


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