# Advice that works - Update



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Hello fellow TAM members - I just wanted to update everyone here on my situation and to thank you for your advice and for helping me through my STBXWs affair. 

To let everyone know - in March/2012 my wife of 27 years got up and walked out of my life forever to go live with some POSOM. We had 2 sons - 19 and 17 - and while she did not say ILBNILWY she said - when I told her I loved her - "what about me and my feelings?". I never saw her again until this year.

I stumbled on to this site as I was looking for WTH was going on - she NEVER in the time I knew her - behaved like this.
I posted my story - I was told it was an affair more than likely.
I did NOT want to hear it! But it was true.
Then I was told about 180 and no contact - again - counter-intuitive (I mean are you not supposed to fight for your woman?).
Then I was told to do the 180 and go dark - I did so but not consistently - which I believe led to her carrying on longer than expected. But finally deleted ALL her family and friends on fb - thus no source of info for her.
Then I was told to expose expose expose - again counter-intuitive. I was embarrassed. But eventually did what I was told.

As a result of all this - I got an email from my STBXW just before Christmas just randomly talking about Christmas - I thought it was odd to say the least seeing the last time we talked was briefly last summer and before that she said "I am cutting you out of my life".

I knew something was up. Then over the holidays her sister's daughter (my niece through marriage and who I had a close relationship) kept wanting to see me. So I did. She told me she was going to live with my STBXW - I thought that it was odd.
THEN my sons were being especially kind to me. Then me and my son went for coffee yesterday and he said "she obviously knows she made a HUGE mistake" but also added "you must feel free now that you are not together". I saw that he saw what transpired and I know it was because I followed the direction on this site. 
It took some time but in life if you live the right way and follow direction - everything falls into place. 
Thank you TAM members - and for those going through the pain I was - I am sorry but you will get through it! Take care.


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Bigtone sometimes it takes a time but they all figure it out eventually that they screwed up. Now you have to figure out what you want to do. Good luck to you whichever way you decide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Follow your son's advice and stay free, keep her forever out of your life.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

harrybrown said:


> Follow your son's advice and stay free, keep her forever out of your life.


This!


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Good for you brother. There is peace after the pain. Whether you D or R, the pain fades eventually if you let it go.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Did her actions also lead to your sons being out of your life as well ? You say that your sons were being especially kind to you.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

BT. What do you want concerning your wayward wife
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

How is the progress toward saving up for the divorce? I remember that was the only stumbling block that you had. She needs to know that there is no way back now.


----------



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

barbados said:


> Did her actions also lead to your sons being out of your life as well ? You say that your sons were being especially kind to you.


Well not out of my life - they were practically adults when it happened but she definitely tried to drive a wedge between me and my two boys. She spread all sorts of bad rumors, brought up past misdeeds, all to justify and cover-up what she was doing. It really freaking hurt and I felt alone. Alienated from my own family. And here's the kicker - I did nothing wrong. 

Patience is a virtue - I had people (mostly my mother - God bless her) around me saying relax and do not worry people will see in time. I was amazed my son said "she realized she really messed up." But here's the deal - she has to tell me that not him. 

But they see what happened and understand what I have been through. I could not ask for anything more.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> I knew something was up. Then over the holidays her sister's daughter (my niece through marriage and who I had a close relationship) kept wanting to see me. So I did. She told me she was going to live with my STBXW - I thought that it was odd.
> THEN my sons were being especially kind to me. Then me and my son went for coffee yesterday and he said "she obviously knows she made a HUGE mistake" but also added "you must feel free now that you are not together". I saw that he saw what transpired and I know it was because I followed the direction on this site.


It seems OM is out of the picture or at least no longer as present as he was before.
Grass wasn't greener after all. 
Maybe cheaterville worked for them or simply the trill vanished.


----------



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

workindad said:


> BT. What do you want concerning your wayward wife
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


IDK - I can't see me having a relationship with her - I do not think I could trust at that level again. I think that is gone.

You know what? I want peace....no fighting, no angst, just peace. I am glad there is peace between me and my boys and she is not amping things up in the background. I am grateful that our family (although I do not see her) are healing...I want my children to be healthy and feel that sense of safety and love again. I do not think about her and I together oddly. It has been so long. 

She sent me a nice email yesterday - that is fine. I just leave it at that. Truthfully - I am enjoying being single. I leave it at that. So I do not know. My thinking has changed - used to be m life centered around her - now I have my life and she is a person who was in my life at one time and has chosen to leave - for reasons being her own. I leave it at that.


----------



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> How is the progress toward saving up for the divorce? I remember that was the only stumbling block that you had. She needs to know that there is no way back now.


Oddly - I sent her an email saying how less expensive it would be to have a joint divorce and I think this might have prompted her being nice - I am not sure.


----------



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Acabado said:


> It seems OM is out of the picture or at least no longer as present as he was before.
> Grass wasn't greener after all.
> Maybe cheaterville worked for them or simply the trill vanished.


Grass is never greener - what everyone said was right. Not sure about cheaterville because I eventually took it down due to my children. 

But I do know that perhaps settling in and seeing where her life would be alienated from her family - made her realize things. Yea, perhaps the thrill is gone.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I hope she gives you the joint divorce soon. You had so much pain when she left and ran away. If I remember she did not even tell you where she was living.


----------



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

harrybrown said:


> I hope she gives you the joint divorce soon. You had so much pain when she left and ran away. If I remember she did not even tell you where she was living.


You are correct HB - she literally got up one day and left...I still do not know where she lives. But stopped caring after about 1 moth into it...I mean you spend 30 years with someone and they just pick up and walk out the door. As a friend of mine put it "she treated you like a 2 month high school crush not a 30 relationship with kids involved." It is over things have subsided I still do not see her but it is for the best.


----------



## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

bigtone128 said:


> Well not out of my life - they were practically adults when it happened but she definitely tried to drive a wedge between me and my two boys. She spread all sorts of bad rumors, brought up past misdeeds, all to justify and cover-up what she was doing. It really freaking hurt and I felt alone. Alienated from my own family. And here's the kicker - I did nothing wrong.
> 
> Patience is a virtue - I had people (mostly my mother - God bless her) around me saying relax and do not worry people will see in time. I was amazed my son said "she realized she really messed up." But here's the deal - she has to tell me that not him.
> 
> But they see what happened and understand what I have been through. I could not ask for anything more.


My exw did this also. She spewed outright lies to my kids, friends, and family to justify what she was doing. (affair with her boss and at least 1 om) She tried real hard to get everyone to choose sides. Well eventually they did, and sadly for her they did not take her side. My oldest even called her out for the lies she told.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Move on.


----------



## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

BigT, I did read a lot of what you posted. I think where I would be at is what on earth could tear apart a family and a marrige, after 27 years. Now the other guy is gone and she wants to talk? For me brother no way. You want to cut the lawn at a other address, by all means here is your lawnmower (divorce). I put 20 in with not a lot of function in the marriage. I walked and I'm pretty happy with my decision. Good luck T.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How are you doing healthwise, bigtone ? Hope you are recovering well after your accident.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> IDK - I can't see me having a relationship with her - I do not think I could trust at that level again. I think that is gone.
> 
> You know what? I want peace....no fighting, no angst, just peace. I am glad there is peace between me and my boys and she is not amping things up in the background. I am grateful that our family (although I do not see her) are healing...I want my children to be healthy and feel that sense of safety and love again. I do not think about her and I together oddly. It has been so long.


There have been three of us recently checking in to TAM with stories that are eerily similar. Long term marriages, kids, Affair. leave for OM, hated us.

We all followed the 180 and have started to build new lives.

They return wanting back in when it is all too late!

The one word we have all used is "peace" . We just want some peace.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Thanks for the update bigtone128, stay the course. I am glad you are healing and your family understands what happened.

Seeing her again will restart the triggering and talking R will be like checking into the Hanoi Hilton, but some men think its worth it.

Whatever happens I hope for peace for you, take care!


----------



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> How are you doing healthwise, bigtone ? Hope you are recovering well after your accident.


Oh thanks Warlock....I still have whiplash in neck and getting physio for that....BUT concussion is bad....still a lot of headaches and dizzy spells...


----------



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

ing said:


> There have been three of us recently checking in to TAM with stories that are eerily similar. Long term marriages, kids, Affair. leave for OM, hated us.
> 
> We all followed the 180 and have started to build new lives.
> 
> ...


Yea true - anyone who has not gone through this would never understand how vicious a former spouse would be.....even my children were surprised. My youngest son said before he left back to university "my biggest concern about marriage is whether I can find someone I can trust at home when I am out working." I did not ask but I know it comes from his mother fooling around on me and he does not know whether he can trust women. So much for it not affecting children.


----------



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Thanks for the update bigtone128, stay the course. I am glad you are healing and your family understands what happened.
> 
> Seeing her again will restart the triggering and talking R will be like checking into the Hanoi Hilton, but some men think its worth it.
> 
> Whatever happens I hope for peace for you, take care!


Thanks Decorum - No plans to see her. I have been clear from the start - once my wife or partner offers up her genitals for someone else...it is over. I cannot deal with that. She knew it. My kids knew it. I knew it.

I will have peace - and am getting there now.


----------



## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Big T, I was also involved in a traffic collision. Struck from behind while I was on a motorcycle. A lot of body parts injured for life. Concussive headaches last a while. Mine lasted four months. Being physically hurt and then add the crap you're dealing with its not easy. Hang in there man eventually the sun will shine on you. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Rottdad42 said:


> Big T, I was also involved in a traffic collision. Struck from behind while I was on a motorcycle. A lot of body parts injured for life. Concussive headaches last a while. Mine lasted four months. Being physically hurt and then add the crap you're dealing with its not easy. Hang in there man eventually the sun will shine on you. Good luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, I am very touched by your comments. Today I actually am forgetting where I am a lot. One thing about it though is I seem LESS angry and depressed about what happened. I do not have the faculties and/or resources to deal with it - so it is just like a dream. I often forget what actually transpired and what our relationship was like..odd but the concussive symptoms seem to have taken away anger and sadness. I have less affect.


----------



## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

T, I walked in a fog after my traffic collision. Seemed like I was drunk for a while. Would forget where I put things. A few times I would put .ilk where the glasses were. Silly things. But just like an injury to the body same thing with what you are dealing with. It sucks man. Twenty years for me and like that I kicked out of my life just like cutting out a cancer. Two decades plus we are pros at marriage, but what happens in an instant, makes me at least feel like a failure. Then came out of the blue a great girl, woman. It can happen bro, hang in there bro, been right where you are now, I mean that. Takes a certain kind of person to pull out of the nosedive unscathed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Wow, it is support like that which keeps drawing me to this site. I am a big believer in God does not pick favorites...and if someone can good for someone,,,,then it can for me too, Thanks for your support..really uplifting!


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

bigtone128 said:


> Thanks Decorum - No plans to see her. I have been clear from the start - once my wife or partner offers up her genitals for someone else...it is over. I cannot deal with that. She knew it. My kids knew it. I knew it.
> 
> I will have peace - and am getting there now.


A man for all seasons


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

bigtone128 said:


> Thanks Decorum - No plans to see her. I have been clear from the start - once my wife or partner offers up her genitals for someone else...it is over. I cannot deal with that. She knew it. My kids knew it. I knew it.
> 
> I will have peace - and am getting there now.


That's the problem with this world.....too many genital offerings!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

HI BT, so glad that you have reached the point where you are at peace with yourself, but I hope that you also realize that threre is a life out there and that you deserve to enjoy it.

are you hanging out with friends and family, what abouy the ladies, there are many woman out there looking for loyal hardworking men, and even if you just date to have fun that is also not a bad thing, many women do the same.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Quotes of BigTone*
> THEN my sons were being especially kind to me. Then me and my son went for coffee yesterday and he said "she obviously knows she made a HUGE mistake" but also added "you must feel free now that you are not together".


*Sounds like your sons have a soft heart and respect for their father*




> It took some time but in life if you live the right way and follow direction - everything falls into place.


*What a great attitude!*



> Patience is a virtue - I had people (mostly my mother - God bless her) around me saying relax and do not worry people will see in time.


*Yes God bless your Mom! Some mom’s are the closest things to unconditional love on this earth. Your mom is a wise and noble woman.*



> But they see what happened and understand what I have been through. I could not ask for anything more.


*A grateful person is a person that is desirable*



> I want my children to be healthy and feel that sense of safety and love again. I do not think about her and me together oddly


. 
*Great concern for your children and proof that you are healing quite nicely*



> Not sure about cheaterville because I eventually took it down due to my children


.
*Another admirable action. You care more about your chidden than retaliation.*




> My youngest son said before he left back to university *"my biggest concern about marriage is whether I can find someone I can trust at home when I am out working*." I did not ask but I know it comes from his mother fooling around on me and he does not know whether he can trust women. So much for it not affecting children.


If your wife acknowledges the harm she did her child, she is paying a big price for having a selfish emotional and sexual thrill that did not last.* I cannot imagine a more harmful truth that hits at your self worth than to know that your betrayal also harmed your child*


*BigTone, you are winning on several fronts. The damage that your wife did to you is fading, you have a good attitude, and your children love and respect you! It is refreshing to see a BS gaining in such important areas! Thank you BigTone!*


----------



## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

T, for the most part I don't comment, sounding like a know it all, most people don't care for them. But I think when it comes to this sight it can be helpful and somewhat therapeutic. For those days I was filled with dispair I thought I was alone. Not true. There are a ton of memories associted with a marrige that goes the distance. You just can't flush that and move on. Mourning period so to speak. I know when it came to my being injured and there was no one there to help me, besides my brother or mom. Cold hearted woman didn't take a week off. But when she had major surgery, man if I did t do my husband duties, absolute guilt trip. That was my defining moment of who Iwas to my exww. It was hard to walk but I left with my head up and ddignity entact. Btw, never told this story to anyone. I said it here to help, not one up you. Just a way to say dude you are not alone in the I feel like crap department.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Congratulations BT.

You are finding peace.

I hope she agrees to make the divorce easy for you.

She owes you that my friend.

HM


----------

