# please help help help me with this!



## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

Im happy to have found this, ill try to give a short over view

my wife was 21 when I met her 10 years ago with a 2 yr old son, we had known each other in high school and I had always had a crush on her, well time went on we fell in love, and were married my step son is like a son to me and we had a small child together, things were great we talked a lot laughed a lot, always showed a lot of affection towards each other and love to the children




fast forwad 2 years we work separate shifts , I work first she works second with 2 varied days off during the week,2 children in school and not much time together, I think I became some what distant ill admit it, but we still had a sex etc and always loved the children...... well things started to go down hill, wife tried to help a lady from her work who wanted to leave her boyfriend, ill call her work lady,,, well work lady stayed here for a week (this is what I think killed our relashionship) she obsessed over facebook and going out,so my wife who never cared about facebook was now on it every waking momentand work lady hadher going out with her more than she ever wanted to....

well work lady got back with her boyfriend blamed my wife for breaking them up, and started drama with my wife before she quite ( my wife had also just helped work lady get and apartment and started to help her move in) Well througha ll this and now facebook a crowd at her work I never liked started talking to her, along with one guy she worked with, well days went on she went out with this new crowd staying out later and later (they were all trash, pretty much dirty party *****s) it came to a point were she ditched all her old friends events to hang out with these people...... I would usually wait up to everynight just to hang out with my wife before we went to bed since we didn't see each other much during the day, it came to the point were I couldn't because I was only getting about 2 hrs of sleep waiting for her, and she would come home every time near pass out drunk!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she never wanted me to go with them ,and acted like they were her best friends in the world and knew them forever, she also became private about her phone and getting and sending more txts then she ever has, well I had a bad feeling so I went through her phone and started calling common numbers she sent txts too, well in moment of shock one was the guy who was part of this group, I called her out on it and she became defensive and said he was a friend and we might need some time apart since I was going through her phone.... I was shicked and cofused by how she was acting, following weeks she started wearing more make up ad dressing different, some days she would act like things were great with me and say she loved me when I would say it to her and others were distant, I kept track of phone records and seen sh would txt him when I was in the bathroom, when , we were out , when I was working,..... every minute she could

things went on with us and became more odd for me , she would say out of character things said it was ok if I wanted a free pass for another woman if I found one (this threw up the biggest red flag) I called her out on it and said it just because she wanted to have sex with the guy she was txting, she said he was just a friend and I was being stupid (we still had sex through all this time)

well I still had the rotten pit in my stomache, and one day while we were out we had an argument (we never really ever fought it was crazy , we would air things out before they were a problem,, those days were nice)and went home, I showed her the phone records I knew of and how often she would txt him ( I thought it was an emotional affair) she became out raged and changed her clothes to her woo hoo party girl clothes now and left

well I freaked checked records (seen she was desperately txting the working guy and he wasn't responding much like he wasn't very interested in her anymore) and had a major panic attack, so bad that when she finally came home at 5 in the morning she took me to the hospital

the day after I was out of the hospital I left with the kids , she cam home and was freaking out cause I was gone (im always home for my kids etc) her attitude changed and she started to act a little more like her self, I called her out again on her txting the guy and acting the way she had , said im done with this and she needed to decide who to be around and devote time to, us or her new trashy party friends and this guy ( I knew she was out partying most of the time and really didn't think she spent much with just the guy cause the ****ty people facebooked ****ty party pictures time stamped to around when she would come home)


things became better, one by one the work ****s were fired because they were crappy at their jobs, and she came to me and said the guy was moving away, we talked more and she would cry and apologize sayin she didn't know what she was doing,she cant believe she would do this to the family she deleted her facebook, her phone wasnt hidden anymore, any password changed was put back to the orgional,no more going out , no more sloppy drunk and her attitude became very loving towards all of us again

things seem to gone back to normal and had become better,well now three years later I would still get the feeling I didn't know the truth, there was too much that didn't add up too many txts the crazy behavior etc, well I called her out again last sunday wrote a long letter saying I pretty much need the whole story and the truth cause things didn't add up from that time ( I still thought it was an emotional affair)
so I woke up the next morning when I knew the children had left for church, and seen her in the kitchen with a gut wrenching look on her face, so I asked if the letter was read , she said " yes'' I told her if she still want me around its time for the truth ... I started asking questions and she finally admitted to txting the guy and partying and drinking to much and answering everything I asked her, then I came time for the atom bomb I had finally asked what was burning me all this time '' did you have sex with him" ( she was already apologizing and crying hystericaly and repeating she messed up and how sorry she was) she looked at me full of tears and wouldn't answer and kept sobbing , then started to say " I don't want to hurt you , whats going to happen " I knew how far it went and said " if we are going to get better keep telling me the truth , im guessing you did and I don't know what im goin to do now" she said she had she went to his house and had sex one time with a condom and she felt so bad after it happened she couldn't even think about doing it again with him ( I don't know if believe that,,, she knows how I felt about cheaters , but I kind of believe it was only once cause she knew it wouldn't matter if it was one time or ten to me... and she was also being so honest finally about everything else) my heart hit the floor she kept sobbing and apologizing saying she knew she [email protected]@ked up and she was so sorry and wanted to move on, and how what she did haunts her everyday andshe sobs on the couch while the kids are in school until she goes to work





I still love her but am just thrown, the years after this has happened (before knew it was any kind of sexual) I know she as tried to go above and beyond for me, calls all the time from work, no facebook no different passwords , waaay different attitude ( seems like me and the children are above anything else to her now)

and her giving me all the answers I asked made me feel like she really has felt bad, but this is such a big mistake, was she hiding the sexual part of the affair not to hurt me ... really? ,,, was it only one time ( not that that is ok ) is that why the guy left her high and dry and wouldn't reply as much to her txts


I gave her a week of hell , drilling her with questions again to see if I would get the same , answer, asking her how she could do this to us etc, she said she swore on the children it would never happen again ( and cried and sobbed but never walked away just took all the hell I was giving her), that she had hung around the wrong crowd and lost who she is, she wanted me to try and forgive her and she'll do anything to try to help us move on



is she really sorry , I still love her this is a huge mistake but did she get carried away with the wrong crowd ? want to live like she was 21 again but this time with no children or me?

please help me I want to try my hardest to keep our family together , she gave me the horrid truth even though she knew it would be pure hell from me

do you all think it was a very bad misjudgemet? and she really is sorry ( I feel in my heart she is)

im sorry for the bad grammar but I just let it pour out

thanks


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Once you are busted, cornered, unable to deny the major things you admit the second best, more palatable - for everyone - version of events.
She f0cked him for almost the entire time she was "nuts". It's the sad truth. Always always always m,ultiply for 10, at the very least. If you really need the fulll extent of this you must create a better enviroment for her to fess up. Otherwise you will have your gust screaming three years ahead, again.

Your travel to ER and next day going MIA with the kids likely snnaped her back to reality. Then, the toxic GF getting fired and OM moving away made the rest.

How much time are we talking about?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

IMO she and the OM (based on her constant and frantic texting) had sex a whole lot more times than 1. I think you can count on that. She didn't confess to more for the obvious reason that to deny it was silly and futile so she minimized it to "one". 

Is it important to know how many times? If it is then tell her she has to pay for a polygraph exam. And you should probably know the truth - I think you can handle it. 

In the last few years she's been a model wife? Let her know that once she passes the poly she needs to see and IC and you should probably see one for yourself. 

Do you still love her? I mean LOVE (not need?).

You two can work this out with proper boundaries in place for the future. It's good that you didn't put up with this and let her off the hook easily. 

But at some point you're going to have to swallow hard and move forward. 

I commend you on trying to keep your family whole. (but not at ANY price). Continue to be the strong family leader she needs to see leadership from you.


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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

What time are you asking about, And I don't know the time she said she had sex with him is the only time pictures etc were not prayed on Facebook
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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

I really honestly do love her, and I want to know how many, even though one is bad I want to know if she felt gilt setter just once,through all the records their was only one time there were no Facebook pictures and that was the one time we didn't have sex when she came home

Im Just wondering is she is really honestly guilty and if she is giving me the full truth,I can read her good, that's why I knew some thing went way south, And when she spilled the b
Beans everything came out all the answers ,I see she feels like garbage and in the 3 years since has been trying to make up for it
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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I think Acabado is asking how long this whole craziness went on for. Was if for a few weeks? 2 months? etc


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So are you considering a poly? I agree that you should know the whole truth. What's done is done. You should well know what it is you are expected to forgive. 

She should go to IC and discover why she felt entitled to carry on the way she did - with no regard for you or her children. Even if she attended to the kids welfare during the affair, she had no regard for them because her affair could have caused them to live in a one parent home.


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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

And she also swore on our children it was once (that's not something she would say lightly) should I still push the poly?
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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

LOL, forgive me for the LOL - but it's very common around here to have a WW swear on their children's lives. Very common. And it ALWAYS turns out to be a lie.


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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

I it went on 2 weeks through txt records
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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

I mean 2 weeks with the guy in the picture,and if she agrees to the poly should I still have it done?
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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So from the time the craziness started, fb with strangers (to you), going out, staying out late, texting like crazy, it was only 15 days from start to finish?


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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

So all the things she changed mean nothing?
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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

No she went out party for about 2 months the guy became part of the picture 2 maybe 3 weeks towards the before everyone was fired and he left
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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Absolutely have the poly done. Before you do that, have her write out in detail what happened. Use a calendar and have her take her time and write it out. You can base some questions on that. Also, have her write down which of her friends knew about the OM. Which ones encouraged her. They should be dropped as friends. 

It's to ensure that in the future - in a few, or many years from now you won't be wondering. Be very firm NOW to avoid additional discoveries later.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What actions is she taking to prevnt this behavior from coming back?

Can she affair proof her marriage and protect her family by taking the steps in getting individual help she needs in understanding her lack of boundries and her entitlement issues?

I'm talking preventive maintence here and learning the tool to prevent this from happening again!

Can she be honest with her self and understand the way she needs to be treated in bed so you can meet that need? or while she continue to deny her self and out of shame hide her sexual secrets from you? My point here is she needs to open up to you and except her shameful needs to be treated like a women by you and not as a wife when the lights are off.

At the end of the day your old lady needs help in facing her self and that help needs to come from a professional. You as her husband can't help her she is broken and needs fixing. She has to face her self and own what she has become before she can bring a second person into this mess of hers....she needs to fix her self before she can fix anything else like a family and a marriage.

This could be a turning point in her life and stop blaming other influeneces in her life and except her own behavior as the proble and not others...the first step in taking responseablity for her self and learning the tools to prevent this painful life she is heading for.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

anewstart said:


> So all the things she changed mean nothing?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think she "came to Jesus" and realized the foolishness and harm she was doing don't you?

It doesn't mean she's trying to hide or minimize what happened. Who wants to look like a terrible person?


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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

She had no contact with anyone from that time frame, I've checked every way she could, And she cannot make personal calls through work
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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

She already Looked terrible after admitting once
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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Did she make you look bad to your relatives or hers during that time? Blamed you as a bad husband? If she did she must make amends with them and confess that she was not a good wife and lied to them. 

Find out what you can about the OM too. You don't want him to reappear in your town in 5 years and contact her again.


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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

She never blamed me or made me look bad in front of the children or anywhere we go or know, he was from out of town and moved back in with his family I've been watching him through Facebook
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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

the guy said:


> What actions is she taking to prevnt this behavior from coming back?
> 
> Can she affair proof her marriage and protect her family by taking the steps in getting individual help she needs in understanding her lack of boundries and her entitlement issues?
> 
> ...


She admitted it was her fault
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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

And through txts it looked like he didn't want to reply or contact her anymore almost like she didn't give him anymore,and shortly after is when he moved home
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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

She also hasn't fought anything I've said,I'll send links to sites about cheating women and quiz her on them to see.org she read,I've said im thinking of counseling for us and she agreed she would do anything I ask
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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Cheaters always lie and minimize.

It is an inside joke on this website, if the cheater swears on the lives of their children, you know they are lying. I don't know why that is, it just is. It always turns out that the cheater was lying after swearing on their children's lives.

It is possible your wife is telling the truth, but not likely. She didn't confess on her own, she didn't stop on her own, only after you threatened to leave her, only after her toxic friends got fired, only after her other man moved away.

If you want the truth, your best bet is the polygraph.

I would like to see you save your marriage and go on to live happily after this. That is not going to happen if you have doubts about your wife's honesty.

Give her a written list of questions you want answered. Type them up or write them down. Then ask her for written answers. Tell her you plan to have her take a polygraph to prove her honesty, it's the least she can do after what she put you through.

It seems like your wife has been doing all the right things, except telling you the truth. She has let you possibly waste three years of your life with her that you may not have chosen to do if you had known the truth. She did it to protect her own self interest, not to protect you. At the time she did it, she was completely wrapped up in her own selfish world and neither you nor the kids mattered much to her (but especially you).

Cheaters lie close to 100% of the time when they first admit to their affair. Is your wife the one out of a thousand that doesn't? You buy a ticket to the lottery hoping to win millions - someone has to win eventually, right? Your wife may be the first cheater I've ever heard of to tell the complete truth right off the bat. It could happen, right?

Bottom line is that healing starts with the truth. It's worth the time and effort of a polygraph to see if you can get it. Polygraph is not admissible in court because it is not foolproof. Do not tell your wife that, though. Many cheaters tell the truth and confess the details on their way to or in the parking lot of the polygraph.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Well, things were bad. But it could have been much worse. Again my recommendations as things you should consider:

*written timeline of her whole period of crazy (night out, who with, where they went etc)
*Written timeline of times with him: where they did "it" how often etc 
*Written list of people who knew or helped

Then ask whatever questions you want about any of these events to clarify things in your mind. 

After all this schedule a poly (let her know now that one is coming - tell her you can forgive but you need to know that it is you are going to forgive. But lies now will not be forgiven - it's her only chance)

When she passes the poly - IC for her to find out why she was so callous for that time and what she needs to do to prevent situations like that in future. 

What do you think?


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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

Thanks everyone, and no this isn't the first time we've argued about this,a lot after I's when she denied sex, I would confront her every few weeks at first, then it would stretch to months without me yelling about it

Then I wrote a long letter last Sunday I want the truth and she seemed to answer truthfully
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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

That sounds like an idea,even though I feel I can believe her maybe a scare of the poly will bring the truth, I honestly don't think she can remember everything cause she.would come home almost passed out and throwing up
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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

anewstart said:


> That sounds like an idea,even though I feel I can believe her maybe a scare of the poly will bring the truth, I honestly don't think she can remember everything cause she.would come home almost passed out and throwing up
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She can remember the sex.

People as drunk as she was have no problem going out to the car in the parking lot of the bar for sex - even on a night when there were pictures from inside the bar, it wasn't a streaming movie of the entire night where your wife's presence was accounted for.

If the whole episode only lasted two weeks, then maybe it only was once, but don't count on it - don't count on the whole episode only being two weeks, don't count on the number of times having sex only being once, and sorry to say it is more likely that a condom was NOT used than it is that one was used.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Also don't discount that she could have had random one-night stand type hookups on her late party nights in the pickup bar.


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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

I honestly just want this to be over, isn't to salvage what is left and move on,maybe cause I've been tempted to cheat when I was out drinking before I can see part of the picture (the people around you can destroy you I've learned that through life) she plans family vacations date nights cooks, calls from work constantly,goes out of her way to bring me lunch like she used to etc 

I was raised Christian but haven't been devote growing up, but I am more now, through the tough times I would pray for help ,and right after that one after another (a total of 6 of the people she hung out with were fired and the guy left) within one week, it was amazing and really makes me believe God helped me, it maybe total faith or blind luck but something crazy happened
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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

She only went to gay bars, the majority of the group was gay males 2 other women and the other man actually hung out in gay bars with that work group cause he had no one else in town
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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

OP, you sound like a stand-up guy. A guy who knows how the world works. I think you have a big heart, a heart that was hurt and in pain during that time. I also think you are very capable of forgiveness and compassion. Those are great qualities. I hope your children learn from you. 

Your wife is deserving of another opportunity to have a long and lasting marriage with you. But I do think the suggestions Will Kane made and the ones I proposed will be most useful in fulfilling those hopes.


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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

It was a crazy situation , I had followed before and seen where they were (partially why my guard was down) she has always lined to dance and i thought I had less to worry about with her there
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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

Also I know she didn't pull any lesbian stuff because she would be scared of her work finding out and her being fired, plus the women were men seeking trash by studying their Facebook
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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Are y'all still working different shifts? That's not a good thing for a relationship. I know that it's economically sound, but it puts a strain on a marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

anewstart said:


> I still love her but am just thrown, the years after this has happened (before knew it was any kind of sexual) I know she as tried to go above and beyond for me, calls all the time from work, no facebook no different passwords , waaay different attitude ( seems like me and the children are above anything else to her now)
> 
> and her giving me all the answers I asked made me feel like she really has felt bad, but this is such a big mistake, was she hiding the sexual part of the affair not to hurt me ... really? ,,, was it only one time ( not that that is ok ) is that why the guy left her high and dry and wouldn't reply as much to her txts


Usually, I have no place for cheaters, but I also believe that most of us are quite psychologically capable of doing what she did. We spend our 20s doing what we are told we should do, with no thought for what we would have ever chosen for ourselves. Then we run across someone weasely who gets us to think we should 'go for it,' and how we 'missed out,' and all that bullcrap. Because basically, all we all want is to be special. If it truly WAS a one-time thing that she refused to do again, you two have a chance.


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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

IM not Blaming myself but I know I was distant, she lost weight before all this and didn't pay much attention, life kind of got in the way of us, different shifts both full time, children etc... It should never have gone where she took it but through the 3 years since I've had time to think it through
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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

I've always been able to read other people and her very well, I some how just been able to do that and last Sunday when I demanded the truth and she looked fear full and like she knew how bad she screwed up, also her saying how bad she regrets it and knows she messed up to the point she cdaily, just makes me feel I'm finally getting the truth and closure
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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

anewstart said:


> IM not Blaming myself but I know I was distant, she lost weight before all this and didn't pay much attention, life kind of got in the way of us, different shifts both full time, children etc... It should never have gone where she took it but through the 3 years since I've had time to think it through
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel this is exactly right, she got around this trash and wanted to be like them, like the times they made her think she missed, yes she did screw up the worst way, but it does seem like she honestly knows and regrets, I wish it was a perfect world and I didn't have to deal with this but it isn't
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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I think it was a very bad mistake your wife made, and I think she did get carried away with wanting to feel young again, and to feel the excitement she used to feel. She got caught up in the wrong crowd and used very poor judgment. Given that this guy was only in the picture 2 weeks, I do think it's possible that she only had sex with him one time. But it is also a possibility it was more than once and she is scared to death to admit that. 

Does it really matter to you if it was once or more than once? How important is it to you to know? It sounds like this was a very short period of time (3 months of going off the deep end, and a possible 2 week affair). Then she straightened her life out again and has tried to be a good wife and mother. I am not minimizing what she did and how horrible this is and was for you. But you say she hasn't done anything like it since, and she had bent over backwards to make amends since then. 

I think you should forgive her and move on. I personally would not do a poly as they are not mistake proof and nor are they always totally accurate. People who are telling the truth can fail poly's and people who are lying can pass them. 

Instead of getting stuck on how many times something happened 3 years ago, if you can, let it go and concentrate on making your marriage strong and affair proof from here out. It may take some time, but you can get pass this and you can have a strong happy marriage if you both are willing to do the work necessary.


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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

I might have done the same if I was out with trash,IM human too, if your out with someone who gives you attention and you do nothing but drink yourself stupid with people you think are your friends cutting
Cheering you to do so, I can honestly see how a person could get lost in a false reality with no reliability... almost a me time fantasy
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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

mary35 said:


> I think it was a very bad mistake your wife made, and I think she did get carried away with wanting to feel young again, and to feel the excitement she used to feel. She got caught up in the wrong crowd and used very poor judgment. Given that this guy was only in the picture 2 weeks, I do think it's possible that she only had sex with him one time. But it is also a possibility it was more than once and she is scared to death to admit that.
> 
> Does it really matter to you if it was once or more than once? How important is it to you to know? It sounds like this was a very short period of time (3 months of going off the deep end, and a possible 2 week affair). Then she straightened her life out again and has tried to be a good wife and mother. I am not minimizing what she did and how horrible this is and was for you. But you say she hasn't done anything like it since, and she had bent over backwards to make amends since then.
> 
> ...


This kind of just sounds right to me, maybe I just needed to air out to see what I'm really feeling, the thing about the poly is if she lies when IM giving her the chance to start new, what kind of start is it
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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I think you are very capable of letting compassion, love, and humanity guide your spirit. 

I personally would want to know what I'm forgiving and so I would follow my recommendations to you. At least I would threaten a poly if not actually carry one out.


You know the kind of guy you are and what your wife is like so my good wishes for a healthy marriage.


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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

Thank you, I'm not haunted as much as I thought,I kinda already figured the worse, in that kind of situation I could've list my self,I still get mad but not as bad as 3 years ago, it still saddens me, but for her to admit to me even once surprised she knew any number would give her the atom bomb that was me this past week, she could've told me nothing like that happened when demanded the full truth and not admit her wrongs
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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

anewstart said:


> And she also swore on our children it was once (that's not something she would say lightly) should I still push the poly?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry but this is a LIE. Cheaters always, always, always minimize and trickle truth. If this went on for two weeks you can bet they had sex at least five or six times. 

Sorry but you need to insist on a polygraph. She is scared if you found out all the gory details of what she did with him you would drop her like a rock.
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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

I've also thought of getting her back, it would be ready for me to do, but I known that won't help anything, and I really don't have the urge, just a flood of thoughts if what should and shouldn't
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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Was she seeing the OM during the time she suggest you could have a free pass? Or was that before the OM joined the group?

Does she still wotk with "work lady'?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You can't forgive unless you know what you are fully forgiving,

Follow through on the poly graph, then when you know the facts, make your decision.


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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

Work lady is gone every part of the group is gone and the pass was the middle of the other persons involvement, a week after is when his replies were almost non existent, that's what makes me think she really killed the sexual part, he didn't get what he was wanting so didn't want to talk anymore
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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

Plus she changed all the passwords and canceled her own Facebook without me asking
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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

anewstart said:


> Plus she changed all the passwords and canceled her own Facebook without me asking
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


All of these are good signs. Of course it took very little for her to go crazy. And before you remind us, yes we know that you weren't all lovey-dovey and were distant then. It's no excuse for doing what she did.

Has she told you WHY she did those thing? Why she was out til all hrs, arguing w you, getting drunk?


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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

Yes she said she was lost, at one point it was all about having fun, getting part of a group, then things went bad and she lost herself
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

I don't know if the time it Happened and now have her time to really reflect on it, like me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

How did she come to have a 2 y/o @ 21? Was she married before? Is biodad in the picture?


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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

Bio dad in the picture on weekends, her mom was not a good moral figure, her dad was non existent was her fist boy friend they were together for 6 years and he just wasn't good, they broke up and she had a little time, year later we met and took things slow, she's told me a lot of things no one else knows,I think in part she seen herself behave like her mom, which always disgusted her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

anewstart said:


> Bio dad in the picture on weekends, her mom was not a good moral figure, her dad was non existent was her fist boy friend they were together for 6 years and he just wasn't good, they broke up and she had a little time, year later we met and took things slow, she's told me a lot of things no one else knows,I think in part she seen herself behave like her mom, which always disgusted her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And you being the White Knight were there to fix her and save her from herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anewstart (Jun 9, 2013)

Is that bad? I love my stepson as much as my own,I didn't really want any sarcasm thrown at me and mine
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

anewstart said:


> Is that bad? I love my stepson as much as my own,I didn't really want any sarcasm thrown at me and mine
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wasn't sarcasm. My first wife cheated on me before and after our wedding. I knew she came from a messed up amoral background, had sex from the time she was twelve with dozens of partners. Yet I was arrogant enough to think I was somehow better than all of them and that if she said she loved me then I would be her one and only forever. I would save her from all that pointless behavior. Not only was she sleeping around be hind my back, she actually ramped up her cheating after I filed for annulment. I'm just wondering if that was your mindset.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You may only be starting to realize this now, but behavior like this follows a distinct pattern. The people on your thread recognize the pattern and are therefore pretty sure that you don't have the whole truth yet.

The question, it seems to me, is whether you need the whole truth to move on in your marriage. It's clear that you don't want to divorce and that you want to get past it. If you want the truth and want to try to get it without the threat of a polygraph, you can make one more effort:

Sit your wife down and tell her that you've done some checking and that she has followed a standard pattern in her cheating. Tell her that it is very common for the unfaithful spouse to not reveal the extent of the affair, especially the amount and degree of the sex. This happens for many reasons - self-protection, fear, embarrassment, unwillingness to hurt the spouse, etc. Tell her that based on this information, you have strong doubts that she has told you everything & that if she wants the marriage to heal, she has to now tell you everything.

Of course, this is only if you really need the truth to move forward AND you can handle the prospect of it being more than once.

Good luck to you whatever you decide.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

anewstart said:


> Thanks everyone, and no this isn't the first time we've argued about this,a lot after I's when she denied sex, I would confront her every few weeks at first, then it would stretch to months without me yelling about it
> 
> Then I wrote a long letter last Sunday *I want the truth and she seemed to answer truthfully*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You said that you wanted the truth. I beg to differ.

I think there's a 99.9% chance that there's more. She's lying by omission.

First off, the use of a condom is always suspect when both parties are drunk off their a$$es. I'll bet this is false. She won't admit to it unless you have proof, or she's afraid that you'll find out(POLY).

There was probably more sexual acts then what she's admitted to for that one night. Anal, oral, rough sex, possibly something(s) that she hasn't done, or didn't do much, with you. She won't admit to it unless you have proof, or she's afraid that you'll find out(POLY).

There certainly could have been more nights with sex involved with the one OM she's admitted, so far. 2 months of GNOs with her getting trashed and not coming home until 4-6 in the Morning. She won't admit to it unless you have proof, or she's afraid that you'll find out(POLY).

By your own admission, she was staying out later and later. While getting very drunk, for months. Honestly, do you really believe that what she has admitted to you so far is IT?

If you schedule a poly, I will guarantee you that she won't take it. She might say she will, but she tell you a little more, maybe allot more, then she'll say there's no reason to take it anymore because you now know *everything*. But you thought you had already known *everything*...

Schedule the poly ONLY if you want to know the truth.

"Cause friend, you ain't there yet. Sorry.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Sorry for your trouble. Like others have said you need to decide how much you need to know to get on with your life. 

I believe like others that you are not getting the full truth. If it was just once and she is truly remorseful over it, why has she continued to deny and hide it for 3 years. She has proven herself untrustworthy as she has lied for years about it. Why would she magically come clean with it all now after you asked. My wife did the same and it got worse. I still don't know the full truth. 

One thing that doesn't add up in my mind is you state that her friends were man chasers yet they spent all of their nights out going to gay bars?? This doesn't add up. If these friends were such man chasers, they would not suffice to be happy spending their time at gay bars with little chance of scoring. I think the truth may be that they started at the gay bars and got tipsy and then ended the night at a regular bar with then hitting on men to take home. My $0.02 worth. 

I have heard the "you now everything" statement enough to last three lifetimes. 

Good luck in this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

anewstart said:


> And through txts it looked like he didn't want to reply or contact her anymore almost like she didn't give him anymore,and shortly after is when he moved home
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Her come to Jesus moment could be a combination of seeing you in ER as well as the other guy dumping her. Would the affair be going on if he did not end it ? I don't know..


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

anewstart said:


> I feel this is exactly right, she got around this trash and wanted to be like them, like the times they made her think she missed, yes she did screw up the worst way, but it does seem like she honestly knows and regrets, I wish it was a perfect world and I didn't have to deal with this but it isn't
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This marriage is indeed redeemable. You wife probably made several bad choices while in the middle of this. But you will have to know the full truth to move on. You will have to know what she is capable of to be married to her. Blind trust will never happen again.

I get that you want to forgive and reconcile badly. But there is rugsweeping and there is reconciling. You are trying to rugsweep. Let her face what she did so that she can learn and not do the same things again, albeit in a different form.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Make sure you tell her that at this point, more lies will damage the marriage than any other past infidelity. Go through with the polygraph test. We have a lot of parking lot confessions here on TAM.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

anewstart said:


> Work lady is gone every part of the group is gone and the pass was the middle of the other persons involvement, a week after is when his replies were almost non existent, that's what makes me think she really killed the sexual part, he didn't get what he was wanting so didn't want to talk anymore
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or he got what he wanted and killed the relationship after he was able to bed her. You may think it's splitting hairs, but it makes a big difference because your version allows you to believe that your wife felt the gravity of what she did and then put a stop to it while my version implies that your wife was dumped because she wanted more. The fact that she texted him frantically while he went cold supports the idea of my version a lot more than yours. If she truly felt guilty per your version, then she would have started avoiding the guy out of guilt.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

anewstart said:


> Is that bad? I love my stepson as much as my own,I didn't really want any sarcasm thrown at me and mine
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's very common, actually. There are Givers and there are Takers. She learned to be a Taker due to bad upbringing, you learned to be a Giver due to your upbringing. You have a need to 'help' people to feel good about yourself, so you 'rescued' her and her son; nothing wrong with that, unless you get walked on. She denied her Taker mentality until that group allowed her to embrace it. 

You need to read No More Mr Nice Guy, to get a handle on who you've become, so you can take some steps to equalize the relationship.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Lets get something straight here---this was not a mistake---was never a mistake---for whatever reason---she CHOSE---to become another person---She chose to crap on you and her son, she even told you so to your face, day after day for 2 months straight

There probably is a whole lot more to what went on with her primary lover, than she is telling you about---and what will you do, if he re-enters the picture????? Please don't tell me its over, there is no contact----she wanted him before, enuff to risk her family---why not again?????

It doesn't really matter how many times she spread her legs---really does it------look at the whole picture---her treating you and her son like POS---that is what this is all about---her lying to you for years afterward to cover her own butt---that is what this is all about

Now she is the best wife in the world---and she does everything possible---well that's what she should have F'ing been doing all thru her mge---not because she spread her legs for another guy---BUT BECAUSE ITS WHAT MARRIED WIVES AND MOTHERS DO---at least married wives and mothers who are loyal, have respect for their vows, and are mature

Your wife was a 28 yr old woman, when this crap hit the fan---she just plain tells you to go to he*l, and goes off with jerks--

- to continue her cheating she has lied by OMMISSION for the last 3 yrs

She only came clean when you threatened her with leaving

So what are you ready to do about all of this---you have given her a free pass---to come back into the family---what accountability has she shown---once again do not tell me all the wonderful things she is doing---CUZ AGAIN MY ANSWER TO YOU WILL BE ANY ORDINARY WIFE AND MOTHER DOES THOSE THINGS ALL THE TIME IN A MGE

Did you kick her out of the marital bedroom, did stop being mr nice--guy-----did the lovey-dovey stop----I am willing to bet the answer to all of this is no

Has she gone to IC---to find out what caused this abherration in her lifestyle---you were 7 yrs into your mge---she was bored, the mge was boring----what is to stop her from repeating this 7 yrs from now

Are you her parole officer---did you make her sign a POST--NUP

Forget the polygraph---save the money---what the he*l is the difference if she spread her legs one time, or a hundred times----take the whole time period in context---she told you and her son---to go F off, and go to he*l---I will do what I want, and screw you-----

You blame alcohol---IS SHE OFF OF ALCOHOL PERMANENTLY????

What you do with this mge is up to you---but unless there is accountability, hard boundaries, with major consequences---why shouldn't she do this again---she got the itch 3 yrs ago---how are you gonna keep her from getting the itch again, in the future---when the mge once again becomes boring and passionless, and it will---ITS WHAT MARRIED LIFE IS

Good luck to you!!!!!!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

ANS, how's your sex life now? Did your wife keep the weight off or did she gain it all back?


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