# Fiance leaving expecting money



## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

A wonderful and tough relationship is coming to an end. I'm 58 and she's 48. We've been on and off for the last 2.5 years, engaged for the last 5 months. When she's in a good mood, she's an angel. When she's not, she's mean and vindictive. She (Fiance) has decided that she can't take any more of me. Not sure why, but she deceived me during the first 2 years of dating (continuing to email and text) with previous boyfriend/lover, and when I found out about it and confronted her, she blew a fuse. Since then, she has decided she can't stay here in the house, and needs to go elsewhere (cousin's house). She started packing her things, and boxing them up to leave. She told me it was over.

For 6 months, I've paid all her bills (car, insurance, phone, etc...). I've purchased almost anything she's needed/wanted. 6 months ago, she was having troubles with her Aunt, where she lived, and her work that was causing her shoulder and arm to cramp up. I offered to take over paying for her monthly expense, and told her I didn't like her to be under that stress. She moved in, and I took over caring for her. Mind, body, pocketbook and soul.

Now as she's decided to leave, she's demanding that I continue to pay her bills. She now blames me for her loss of work and loss of the room at her Aunt's house. She feels I owe that to her. I agreed to pay for three months more, and told her that would give her some time to find work and find an apartment. I also told her she could leave her stuff here in my house until she needed it in her new place.

I feel that since she's decided to leave me, it's her responsibility to take her life over herself in month four. She's mad at me for saying that. She has an unusual sense of what I'm expected to do.

Any thoughts or advice from anyone in a similar position, or constructive thoughts from others?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I’d talk to a lawyer if I was you and figure out how to cut her off completely if it’s possible.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Of course she’s mad. She played you and she 100% expects that to continue. Your offer is more than most would do. Be glad this happened now and not after you married her.


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## mainesqueeze (Nov 22, 2013)

Wait...she’s leaving you and expects you to pay for all her bills and living expenses indefinitely?

First thought: Don’t do it.
Second thought: She has a lot of nerve and seemingly very little respect for you if she thinks you’ll actually go for this.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

mainesqueeze said:


> Wait...she’s leaving you and expects you to pay for all her bills and living expenses indefinitely?
> 
> First thought: Don’t do it.
> Second thought: She has a lot of nerve and seemingly very little respect for you if she thinks you’ll actually go for this.


He kind of already did go for it so she’s not wrong.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You paid for things too long. Stop it immediately. (And be prepared for the rage)

You said when she’s good she’s an angel, and I can see it’s actually this: when you’re good to HER she’s an angel who does things she shouldn’t. And when you dare mention what you need and she’s forced to confront the ugly truth about herself, that’s when things get ugly for YOU. 

Do not let her convince you anything is your fault. Tomorrow if she steps in a puddle it will be certain you did something to that sky to make it rain. 

Don’t be a victim of this (you already are).


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

See a lawyer. Some women have successfully sued men support even though they were only dating and not even living together. 

So even though this sounds ridiculous, it can actually be a serious situation for a man in today’s social and political climate.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Prepare yourself in case she tries to suck you back into the relationship. Don’t let it happen.

Do you think her trying is a possibility? Any chance you’d be vulnerable to that?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The audacity! Omfg.

If I were you, before reneging on what you've agreed to, I would seek legal advice urgently, and find out if in fact, she's entitled to anything at all. If she's not, tell her to get out and go and pound sand, and that you're done being her whipping boy.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You (foolishly) agreed to 3 more months of payments. Confirm that in an email to her but call it a gift. You owe her nothing. Be done with her. I assume she's taking her engagement ring with her. That is all she gets. Change the locks on your house the minute she's gone.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

She's cleary a lunatic...


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> She's clearly a lunatic...


Nah...Just has a toxic case of entitlement.

Not so rare these days.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So she played you the fool for 2 years.

Then you found out and confronted her.

She gets pissed and blames you for her cheating ways and moves out.

Now she expects you to continue to pay for her living experiences.

Why are you paying her a dine after all of this?

You don’t owe her anything. Don’t pay a dime more. She isn’t your ex wife, she is a ex girlfriend that cheated on you your entire relationship.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

syhoybenden said:


> Nah...Just has a toxic case of entitlement.


That too...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It might be cheaper to pay for 3 months than have to go the eviction route. Plus, think of how much damage she could do if she continued to live there.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> It might be cheaper to pay for 3 months than have to go the eviction route. Plus, think of how much damage she could do if she continued to live there.


I know I've said she is a lunatic, but I think the OP made one mistake: enabling her...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

BHB4408 said:


> I agreed to pay for three months more, and told her that would give her some time to find work and find an apartment. I also told her she could leave her stuff here in my house until she needed it in her new place.


Paying 3 months was extremely generous of you. I wouldn't have. She's a grown ass adult.

DO NOT let her keep ANYTHINHG at your house. Depending on where you live that could give her tenancy rights and allow her to come back whether you like it or not and then you'd be forced to evict her. Having her things at your house also leaves you in contact with her when you need to go no contact...at all... in order to heal and move on. Tell her to get a storage unit or take her crap with her, but it's not staying with you. If she gets uppity tell her you paying her bills for 3 more months is extremely generous and that you can and will revoke that offer if she doesn't cooperate.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Doormatsville, population +1. Yikes.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

My lord, what in the world is going on with today's men, no matter what age. Nothing but pathetic doormats.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Step 1 - Give her a bill for half of what you spent on everything during the past 6 months.

Step 2 - Tell her you'll discuss the future after you cash the check.


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## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

Thank you every one! You all described what I thought you would, and that's what I needed to hear. Doormat, signing off.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Repeat as needed:

She can expect in one hand and **** herself with the other and see which one pays off first.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

BHB4408 said:


> Thank you every one! You all described what I thought you would, and that's what I needed to hear. Doormat, signing off.


So does that mean you already realized that you were being a weak doormat and allowing her to use you - and just needed a little validation from everyone here to finally tell her to F-off and that she’s getting nothing more from you?

Or does it mean you’re just going to dismiss all the feedback you received here because it doesn’t feel good to accept how much of a doormat you’ve been, and change?


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

BHB4408 said:


> she's demanding that I continue to pay her bills.


My God man grow a pair. She doesn't love you. She loves your wallet and another man's ****. Respect yourself. She has no respect for you. She may actually respect you a little when you tell her to F -off and stand up for yourself. Where the Fk do guys like you come from? You're conditioned from birth to be weak with women. Break the conditioning. 

Advice: Cut off the payments immediately and go No Contact. Disappear. Its easy.

Good Luck.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

BHB4408 said:


> she deceived me during the first 2 years of dating (continuing to email and text) with previous boyfriend/lover, and when I found out about it and confronted her, she blew a fuse


tell her to get the money from this guy.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Tell her to earn her own money.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

D0nnivain said:


> You (foolishly) agreed to 3 more months of payments. Confirm that in an email to her but call it a gift.


NO. Do not promise her anything in writing. A verbal promise isn't worth the paper it's not printed on.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Trident said:


> NO. Do not promise her anything in writing. A verbal promise isn't worth the paper it's not printed on.


 My point in having him confirm the 3 months is that he already agreed to that & doesn't see bothered by it. It needs to be clear that it's 3 months only. You don't want her to make an argument that his past performance of paying is a promise by action to pay in the future.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Ok I get your point but mine is that he's under no obligation to promise or give her _anything._


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Reading these last replies I can just picture her having pillow talk with her alpha laughing with him about the guy she took for 3 months expenses.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ccpowerslave said:


> Reading these last replies I can just picture her having pillow talk with her alpha laughing with him about the guy she took for 3 months expenses.


... and I can picture any future girlfriend of his being totally turned off if she learned he decided to make a girlfriend who was mean and vindictive his fiancee who he totally supported financially -- and then to add icing on it, wanted to give her three months living expenses when SHE ended the relationship. It shows an instability in judgment and boundaries that OP should work on. A dude who wants to give the world to a person like this ex fiancee should work hard on figuring out why he wants to white knight someone like that.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Or, a future girlfriend might think here's a guy who has a strong sense of responsibility to his significant other, and even when treated badly he takes the high road.

I'm not saying that's what actually happened but it wouldn't be beyond the realm of possibility that's how it would be perceived.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Trident said:


> Or, a future girlfriend might think here's a guy who has a strong sense of responsibility to his significant other, and even when treated badly he takes the high road.
> 
> I'm not saying that's what actually happened but it wouldn't be beyond the realm of possibility that's how it would be perceived.


Could be. I'm not sure many _emotionally healthy_ women are going to see it that way though, they probably are instead going to see a guy with a doormat/white knight issue. She wasn't a great partner, had some pretty major character flaws, he decided to get engaged anyway and also didn't want a 40 something year old woman (poor thing 🤔) to have to work. Then is gonna fund her when she decides to leave him. 

Blech.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

All depends on what he tells the next girl. Did you ever notice that everyone's ex is always the nutjob?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Trident said:


> All depends on what he tells the next girl. Did you ever notice that everyone's ex is always the nutjob?


Are you saying this ex DOESN'T sound like a bad choice? It wasn't OP who had issues around exs, became mean and vindictive during conflict, and ended the relationship....


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I'm not saying anything about the ex. I was responding to a post about what his next girlfriend might think of his actions with the current girlfriend soon to be an ex. It's all about how he presents it, as do most people who typically describe their ex as a nutjob who caused all the problems in the relationship. Sort of like when someone talks about a car accident they were in, it's almost always the other person's fault.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Trident said:


> I'm not saying anything about the ex. I was responding to a post about what his next girlfriend might think of his actions with the current girlfriend soon to be an ex. It's all about how he presents it, as do most people who typically describe their ex as a nutjob who caused all the problems in the relationship. Sort of like when someone talks about a car accident they were in, it's almost always the other person's fault.


True. OP is also in danger of a bit of "you did it for her, why not me?". OP decided his girlfriend, who had some significant personality flaws, should become his fiancee and should also not have to work, he'll support her! If a new partner is aware of this, and gets anything less than this kind of queen treatment, there's going to be some ripples of... why did she get this kind of treatment and not me? Whether it was healthy of OP to do so or not.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> It might be cheaper to pay for 3 months than have to go the eviction route. Plus, think of how much damage she could do if she continued to live there.


My thoughts exactly. Though i would not have agreed to 3 months. 1 month yes. 2 months maybe, if required to establish a residence other than your address. But that could have been done be her name on the new rental agreemenr.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

As my xwife always said "Hoosier, you are to nice a guy." Maybe you are as well. While you certainly do not owe her I think (if you are doing it for the right reasons) its a good thing. I would check with a lawyer to make sure you are not obligating yourself with any payment now, for future ones. If it were I I probably would just come to an amount and either pay it all at once, or with simple monthly payments. No need to interact on the bills, amounts, etc. Just get a number that will get her by and go with it. If she is frugal on a bill and it has money left over good for her. If she overspends and it lasts 45 days, sorry for her.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Livvie said:


> A dude who wants to give the world to a person like this ex fiancee should work hard on figuring out why he wants to white knight someone like that.


OP suffers from white knight syndrome sometimes called KISA (Knight in Shining Armour). 

I suggest no women until you understand the new rules. OP it isn't the 1950s anymore. Get a dog. I'm not joking. A dog will respond positively to your kindness and show you great loyalty in return. But make sure the dog knows that you are the leader otherwise the dog will do as it pleases.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Hoosier said:


> Just get a number that will get her by and go with it.


OP you owe her squat. She walked out on you. Disappear. It will send a strong message.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Make her sign something say she will be gone with all her stuff in 3 months time and that will be the end of the money train. If attorneys didn't cost so much that would certainly be prudent. I don't see where you owe her anything further. You don't have children, right? Have you represented to anyone that your husband and wife so that she could claim common law marriage?

you might just Google your state and common law marriage and see what the parameters are for that.

But don't pay her or her bills another sent unless she signs something that guarantee she gets out of your life and holds no claim over your assets.

It would be good to make sure with an attorney that paying her bills for these 3 months that you're not together does not set some kind of precedent that makes you admit she was dependent on you and that this was more than an engagement. 

Also if she is completely broke like it sounds like you could just walk away and not give her another cent or pay her bills and what's she going to do about it? It sounds too iffy for any attorney to want to represent her without her giving him some money.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Shes a cake eater and you are standing flat footed trying to feed her more.

You are your biggest problem. Until you fix that you’ll be getting more.

At 58 you should know better.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Trident said:


> All depends on what he tells the next girl. Did you ever notice that everyone's ex is always the nutjob?


This tells better than spouting the truth!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hoosier said:


> As my xwife always said "Hoosier, you are to nice a guy." Maybe you are as well. While you certainly do not owe her I think (if you are doing it for the right reasons) its a good thing. I would check with a lawyer to make sure you are not obligating yourself with any payment now, for future ones. If it were I I probably would just come to an amount and either pay it all at once, or with simple monthly payments. No need to interact on the bills, amounts, etc. Just get a number that will get her by and go with it. If she is frugal on a bill and it has money left over good for her. If she overspends and it lasts 45 days, sorry for her.


(Too nice) guys are savaged by takers.

Both genders are those types, reacting to others being meek.

Those with chest clangers and those with balled bangers, will steal your nice-guy pants. The meek shall inherit the Earth after it is right flattened.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Another fatal mistake OP that you made.

Men have power. This is something that you don't understand. Women control sex. this is their power. even a currency that they use to get men that they want. Often by withholding. It has been this way since the beginning of time. A woman can get banged whenever she wants but not by whom they want. Getting sex is no problem for them. On the other hand, us guys cant do that. we have to work for it. Sometimes it's a lot of work sometimes not. But we can't just show up at the bar or online and get it. that's why escorts exist. In a sense, it levels the immediacy for sex playing field. when you think about it it has to be this way. Can you imagine a society where that power was reversed? Hell most of the guys on here would have banged 500 women in their 20s me included. 

men hold the power of commitment. when I say commitment i refer to the decision to marry and take on all the legal responsibilities that go with marriage. many of these nice guys, Christians, recently divorced guys don't understand this. You don't just throw it away as many do. You hold onto it. You see if the woman is worthy of that commitment. You have an open wallet. This is what your fiance desired. She was after the safe provisioner. Yet what did you do? You pissed away the commitment and offered marriage too quickly as many clueless guys do. In fact, you were honored to piss it away. Overjoyed that me lady accepted your proposal. this is foolish. Once she had it then she reverted to her own wants and desires. Your wallet and the other man for sex. 

BTY her bad behavior was probably her emotions going haywire. Inner conflict. She didn't really want to marry you but knew you were the safe bet. She would probably choose to marry the other guy but for whatever reason can't. Once you gave on the commitment she had nothing to fight for. Here's a good rule to follow for men. Date LONG (5 years minimum if you're older); Marry Slow. Divorce Fast. Guys like you do the opposite due to many factors. Your Pastor or Priest will not give you this advice. 

Not trying to pile on, but this is the way of the relationship dating world friend. Learn the Rules. Don't be a chump.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

BHB4408 said:


> A wonderful and tough relationship is coming to an end. I'm 58 and she's 48. We've been on and off for the last 2.5 years, engaged for the last 5 months. When she's in a good mood, she's an angel. When she's not, she's mean and vindictive. She (Fiance) has decided that she can't take any more of me. Not sure why, but she deceived me during the first 2 years of dating (continuing to email and text) with previous boyfriend/lover, and when I found out about it and confronted her, she blew a fuse. Since then, she has decided she can't stay here in the house, and needs to go elsewhere (cousin's house). She started packing her things, and boxing them up to leave. She told me it was over.
> 
> For 6 months, I've paid all her bills (car, insurance, phone, etc...). I've purchased almost anything she's needed/wanted. 6 months ago, she was having troubles with her Aunt, where she lived, and her work that was causing her shoulder and arm to cramp up. I offered to take over paying for her monthly expense, and told her I didn't like her to be under that stress. She moved in, and I took over caring for her. Mind, body, pocketbook and soul.
> 
> ...


_Not sure why, but she deceived me during the first 2 years of dating. _ You are a wallet to her nothing more. Plan B. She can't stay with you because you know the truth. Cheaters deal in lies, not truth. 

You told her to leave her belongings at your place until she gets a place - MISTAKE. She will take her sweet time collecting these if she ever decides to get them. Her belongings will be her foot in the door to your place and your life. As long as her belongings are at your home she will have an excuse to come by. Rent a storage space for a month and pack all her belongings into it. Leave her with the key to the storage space and change the locks at your home.

Cut off her finances now. You owe her nothing.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Tell her you changed your mind. The guy she was talking to can pay her way.
She was likely getting money out of him too - while she was with you.

Don’t give her one more cent! You owe her NOTHING!

She can pay you back for the money you spent supporting her! Thank god you didn’t marry her!
Pack her ONE bag and tell her to get OUT tonight! Change the locks and pay for her stuff to go to storage for one month.

She can have her old boyfriend pay her expenses - the one she was texting! 

Quit helping her treat you terribly for one more second!

Sheez, she’s an entitled brat! Be glad she’s gonna be gone!


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## UndecidedinNY (Jul 11, 2013)

After she leaves, have all her belongings fedex'ed to her, and change your contact info. Cancel anything you've been paying for. You owe her NOTHING.

Where is she moving if she has no money- back with her aunt? Another guy? I'm baffled that she thinks you should pay her bills when no one told her to stop working. Maybe she should have been grateful to her aunt giving her shelter, she sounds incredibly ungrateful.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What did you do with this lopsided situation?

I’d love to know what action you took/decision you made?

Update please!


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Wow you were a nice sugar daddy. 
Like everyone else said contact a lawyer ASAP. 
Someone got used to the free candy and when that goes away look out


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