# a question for the men...



## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

My H is 36 and recently I noticed when we have sex he goes "soft" in the middle of it. He eventually gets it back. Is this normal, he tells me it is...I just don't believe him. I think because of my own insecurities. Any feedback is appreciated!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's not abnormal.

focusing on "it" and demanding during sex to why he doesn't find you exciting would not be a good tack to take.

Maybe a health checkup is in order though.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Not too unusual.


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## ducky (Feb 17, 2010)

I am not a man but my husband has ED and I have done a great deal of research. I don't think this is normal in that a healthy aroused male during intercourse would lose his erection. There are many factors but here are a few of the most common:
stress
distraction
diabetes (this can cause permanent damage, be sure to get it checked)
low testosterone

Keep in mind that men's libido and sexual performance tend to be tied up in their self esteem and they don't generally initiate exploration of the cause because they are too ashamed. It is a touchy subject and requires gentle handling. First thing I would do is suggest a common physical with a blood panel. This doesn't require any dialogue about the reason why he is doing it and may solve the problem pretty easily, an ultrasound to look at blood flow in the penis may be a good idea in order to rule out the physical aspect of it. It sounds like it has not progressed very far so if it is a health issue it should be found by the physical, psychological issues are much more difficult to pin down unless your husband is good at being honest with himself, is accepting of himself and chooses to evaluate the issue with objective determination. At this point I would just tell him it could indicate a health problem and you really want him to get a physical so you know that he is okay.

Good luck.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I think I just checked WebMD and they say (not sure of the reference and how they researched this - maybe survey?) that it's common/normal for a male to lose his erection during lovemaking (not sure if this means intercourse or to me, the totality of lovemaking) about 2-5x. I don't think they even assigned an age to that.

I think it depends a lot on how long your lovemaking is.

If it's 3 minutes - it may be a little abnormal - if it's 30-90 minutes, most males can't hold an erection that long. The brain and the penis are connected at that point (during the erection) to "get the job done."

In other words, and I am not speaking for all guys, just me, when I have an erection, my primal brain is thinking orgasm at most is 5-10 minutes away, not 90 minutes away.


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## ducky (Feb 17, 2010)

yes, I agree with scanner, I am not referring to marathon sex either.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I also agree with distraction the one poster noted below during intercourse. 

It can be anything that's distracting - kids calling you. . .even thinking, "Gosh, is she enjoying this or not?" There's a point the male has to leave her pleasure behind and concentrate on his.

It's kind of terrible to say (and anyone refute me) but at the point of intercourse, at least the last 20%, the male brain and body mentally should be "using" the female to get to his pleasure - positiong her the right way and concentrating.

Optimal lovemaking to me trades off the "dominant" role during intercourse and during hte last 20%, I just have to be dominant. The woman should be positioning the male thusly also.

As he hardens and swells during intercourse, that's the time to lay off the pillow talk (last 30-60 seconds) - let him concentrate or fantasize. That is, unless you are so rarely connected and having explosive sex that night that you can shout everything on your primal mind. But I admit, back in my day, that only happened maybe 1 out of 20 times. MOst of the time, it's quiet, thoughtful sex.

Just a technique pointer. . .again as someone else noted, there could be social or medical factors. As always, a complicated subject.

Realize it's almost always about him more than you though. . .almost always. So don't think it's your body. He's got to direct you at some point.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

Oh YAY! I thought it was me! And it very well could be, we are going through some trying times. 

Thank you everyone for putting my mind at ease!


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I also believe distraction can play a big role as well as "same ol, same ol". Spice things up a bit and this can help. Of course the easy and for sure anwser: Viagra or the others pills. I had the same problem but now use the pills about once every week or two and no problems at all...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

it only happens to me when i begin to lose interest. losing interest is caused (for me) with lack of excitement, or to put it another way, when i percieve that my wife is not as excited as i am. when i cant get her going i begin to think she isnt that interested. when i want to get it on bigtime and she just wants naked cuddling, i guess to say we are not on the same page at that given time.


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## jc32 (Jan 25, 2010)

It has happened to me twice in the last year or so, and it really freaked me out. I'm 32, and had never had this happen before. My wife was really awesome about it, reassured me that it's not a big deal, but the next time we had sex, it almost happened again, because for the first time in my life I had performance anxiety. Could be your H is feeling something similar? In any event, I doubt that lack of interest or attraction has anything to do with it. In retrospect, I realized that stress was a major factor, and losing an erection during intercourse just made it that much worse.


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