# Newly Separated...



## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

I've posted here once before. My backstory:
-I'm 33. Been married almost 9 years, together for 11. 4yo daughter and 6yo son.
-Husband decided last May (almost exactly a year) that he didn't love me anymore and went to stay at his parents.
-Decided he did love me, just didn't love some things I did or didn't do (not eating at the table, not going to church). I thought those things were pretty easy to fix so I did. Came back home on July 3 of last year.
-I found text messages and emails to a coworker during July and August. He had been having an emotional affair. We did no contact (or so I thought). She is married, having troubles. All started as just talking to each other.
-Everything was ok I thought. In November I found a letter he wrote to this same woman on his computer. It was never sent to her. It professed his love for her and talked all about how perfect she was in every single way. New No Contact letter in November. Started counseling in January until a few weeks ago.

I've still been having lots of trust issues (oh, I wonder why!) and I think that has finally pushed him over the edge. He told me he didn't think this was working on Saturday and he moved out yesterday. Yesterday he told me that he just doesn't love me anymore and for the past year he has been trying to get those feelings back. And that the passion is gone.

I am in shock. I never thought he would do this to me.

I am heartbroken. Unfortunately, I do love him. I guess my question is what next? I know that's broad- but I really don't know what I need to be doing! How in the world do I start to heal from this and accept my new reality? He's not worried about doing any lawyer stuff yet- he actually wants to go the self-representation route. I feel like he's hanging on to me just in case something else doesn't work out. I've got to break away from him and I just don't know how. My kids are devastated and that's making things even harder.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

What's next is you refuse to be his Plan B.


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## Goofball (Mar 24, 2013)

One day at a time, and one step at a time. I have a list of things that need to be accomplished on my phone. Some of them are simple things like - clean the bathroom  but once that's done I check it off. Some are more complex, like move on, be happy etc. Protect yourself and your kids first and foremost.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

SkyHigh said:


> What's next is you refuse to be his Plan B.


That's what I've got to get in my head.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Goofball said:


> One day at a time, and one step at a time. I have a list of things that need to be accomplished on my phone. Some of them are simple things like - clean the bathroom  but once that's done I check it off. Some are more complex, like move on, be happy etc. Protect yourself and your kids first and foremost.


My kids are the only things keeping me going right now. I have my list at home of cleaning the gutters and stuff like that.
Right now I have to crawl out from under my feeling worthless to do anything.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Good girl. You know your path, then. Good luck and keep us posted.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

seagoat said:


> The dynamics in this type of scenario is always the same, just different players.
> 
> The reality of marriage happens...one does not feel up to the work required to keep this relationship functioning and happy, and expects mindreading and miracles to have things magically go their way...then, if they won't (and most often, that's the case), they check out, feel unloved, and find nothing but flaws in their partner (to justify their passive-aggressive backing away, again without talking)...someone extramarital shows up on the radar, and they can either be the shining knight by rescuing them, or commiserate about their loveless marriages/relationships...the EA/PA starts...while the spouse at home is still clueless, until D Day hits.
> 
> ...


You are so right. Reading that brings so much truth that I think I've been blocking out. He wants to wait until next week to talk about finances or moving this forward. He thinks I'm awful bc I keep bringing it up. I can't win for losing with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Hugs. Definitely get strong, though. Don't give him any money and see a lawyer. Just because he doesn't want one, doesn't mean you don't get one. I'm not sure at what point you'll want to take half the money out of joint accounts, but a lawyer will let you know how to proceed.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Both of our checks go into 1 account so I know I've got to get that done. I feel like I'm being a big ol weenie. It has amazed me so far the range of emotions I've felt. I know I need to see a lawyer. I have to get up the gut to do it. I'm scared to death that if I get everything started he will get mad. His parents are quite wealthy and could create problems for me. DThis is my first night without my kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

andrea2828 said:


> Both of our checks go into 1 account so I know I've got to get that done. I feel like I'm being a big ol weenie. It has amazed me so far the range of emotions I've felt. I know I need to see a lawyer. I have to get up the gut to do it. I'm scared to death that if I get everything started he will get mad. His parents are quite wealthy and could create problems for me. DThis is my first night without my kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My understanding is that in South Carolina you are in much better shape (divorce-wise) if you can prove adultery.

Do you have access to email/text/chat/phone records?


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

I have texts that were exchanged and the no contact letter from November. His cell and computer were both company property.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

First off.. go to the bank and tell them the situation. Get your own account and move your money into it.

I'm in the same boat just 10 months down. Left, came back, left again. It is worse that they did it twice.

You will feel lost. I am too. Everyday try to find 5 things that make you happy. Try to find different ones everyday.

Be around people. Sitting alone is awful. I hate being alone.. and being with the kids is just not the same as other grown ups.

EAT... even if it is small.. keep eating. You will find if you don't you will go days without eating. I still have to force myself to eat something.. even if it is toast.

Talk to your friend...don't post on FB about your break up. I was bad for that as I always needed a pat on the back. You might be different. Unfriend him for sure and DON'T look at his FB page to find out what he is doing. You don't need the extra pain.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> First off.. go to the bank and tell them the situation. Get your own account and move your money into it.
> 
> I'm in the same boat just 10 months down. Left, came back, left again. It is worse that they did it twice.
> 
> ...


Funny you reply. I was just reading your story. The eating thing is a problem but this has gotten me over my weight loss plateau. When he left last year I deactivated my facebook account and haven't looked back. I will definitely try the five happy things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Anytime you want to talk send me a message. I am in therapy and he is working on a ton of things.

The hardest thing is to not think about what he is doing..is he with another woman?.. does he think of me?.. how can he just turn the love off and walk away?

I'm fighting this everyday.

My therapist keeps telling me that there is nothing I can do so I need to stop thinking about it. I find it is not that easy. You might have better luck since I have had underlying issues for years that I should have dealt with.

I do know the things that I'm gonna do is to get rid of all the things that remind me of her. I'm purging the house of her things, and gonna sell it once I get the work done. I'm even gonna sell the car we had together cause I feel her presence in it.

I went and had picture taken of just the three of us and I have them on my wall.

... Here is a big things from my therapist.

THE THREE POWER WORDS:
-LET
-ALLOW
-PERMIT

If you can use any of those three words when talking about your ex.. you are not in control.

Example. 
1. I LET Lisa take advantage of me when her car broke and I fixed it.

2. I allowed Lisa to not pay child support for 5 months

3. I permit her bossing me around when it comes to finances.

Get it? In your head use those words and keep control of the situation.

The other week I had to tell her that I will not allow her to take advantage of me because I am hurting and she knows it.

Strong words... don't back down from them.

Also.. lean on your friends but down let your friends prop you up. We both are gonna have a hard time through this but WE need to stand tall and heads up.

Be civil.. even though it sucks. When he takes the kids say " I hope you have a great day. See you at ****pm"

I have done this twice. I couldn't do it last week as I was hurting so I kept my mouth shut.

DO NOT talk about getting back together. I have been there and it isn't pretty. I have made a mess more than one time with my mouth. Now my therapist has me on a strict "SHUT UP AND LISTEN".. let him speak until he is blue in the face. Count to 5 and then respond. 

I am to the point that I can follow these but you will still be dying inside. It sucks.

Response to correspondence.

For everything..phone,text, or e-mail.. do not respond for 4-5 hours. Unless he has the kids. This is very important. I can do this now with practice.

I'm here to go through it with you.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> The hardest thing is to not think about what he is doing..is he with another woman?.. does he think of me?.. how can he just turn the love off and walk away?
> 
> This is one of my main struggles. I know what I read about that girl. He thought she was absolutely perfect and I struggle with that. I feel like I've been in a competition with her to make him see me. How can he tell me he loves me, knowing that hasn't been true for over a year. What kind of person is that cruel.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice. I never pictured my life like this.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Dang it all I caved. I've been good all day and only talked to him when it was relating to the kids. Had to call him while ago about some weekend plans and started crying. It just makes me so mad that I don't have closure on this. I have some things I really do need to tell him tht will hopefully make me feel a little better. He just refuses to acknowledge that we have to do stuff for a divorce. It's not just moving to your parents house and poof you're single. I did tell him that I didn't need to talk to him about getting back together or anything. He just doesn't seem to care at all and that is a really hard truth to face.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

We met up tonight and finally talked for a few minutes. I never said I wanted to get back together but I told him a few things I needed to get off my chest. I confronted him about the no passion thing and he apologized so that did make me feel a little better. We talked about sitting down next Tuesday to work on a separation agreement. We pretty much agree on everything. He brought up the dating thing (gag). I told him I would need to think about that and get back to him. It's amazing how non chalant he is about the whole thing. That hurts so much. I have 2 lawyer consultations set up. I told him that and I think he was surprised. 
I did cry. But that was the first time all day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

I don't think anyone is reading this- but at least it gets some things off of my chest! We wrote up our separation agreement Monday night. That was so hard. I started crying in the beginning because he's just so non-chalant about the whole thing. I finally put my big girl panties on and we finished the whole deal. I think once I saw that financially I'll be ok, I felt a little better. We actually didn't fight over anything, but it's awfully hard to divide up your entire life- including your children.

He wants 50/50 custody and I think that's going to be hard for him. I hope he finally sees how much I actually do for our children. He's stuck toting them to two birthday parties this weekend since it's his weekend and won't be able to play golf. I offered no assistance as I will be at the beach with girlfriends.

The not knowing what he's doing is torturing me. I haven't asked or anything, but it's killing me. Especially last weekend. But he's free and can live in his own little world now. 

I meet with a lawyer next Friday and he meets with one next Monday. I can't say I'm on board with this yet. I hope the lawyers can make this pretty painless.

He is so quick to get upset with me and raise his voice. I've been telling him that he's not allowed to talk to me that way anymore. That I've put up with him talking down to me for 11 years and I don't have to listen anymore. 

I feel better today than I have in a while.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

andrea2828 said:


> I don't think anyone is reading this- .....


Almost 500 people have read this so far...let it all out, plenty of people here have been in your shoes.

Venting helps...hang in there...there is life after divorce; a good life, with your name on it.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

andrea2828 said:


> He is so quick to get upset with me and raise his voice. I've been telling him that he's not allowed to talk to me that way anymore. That I've put up with him talking down to me for 11 years and I don't have to listen anymore.
> 
> I feel better today than I have in a while.


:smthumbup:


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

tulsy said:


> there is life after divorce; a good life, with your name on it.


This is what I'm hoping for! 
My daughter is 4 and still so confused. Wants to go and live with him because she misses him way more than she does me. I keep having to remind myself she is only 4 but dang that hurt pretty bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

seagoat said:


> Kids are used to having moms around all the time in many cases. We're just there when no one else is. It's easier to miss someone when they're gone.  If your little mini-Andrea were to live with her dad, she'd be longing for you instead. Don't take it personal, she loves you as much as him, you just haven't given her an opportunity to miss you, and that's how it should be for them at that age.


I keep telling myself that I'm their stability and they know I'll be there and they don't need to miss me. This is the 2nd time he has left them and even though they are small- they remember last summer and how bad it was.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Ok so all of my confidence is in the crapper tonight. For the past few days he has turned into a complete butthead. Since I started standing up for myself with him he has started being ugly to me. It's killing me not knowing what he's doing. I just want to not care anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Are you in individual counseling? If not, it would be a really good idea to do so. Frankly, you'll learn a lot about yourself and develop a trusted person who can help you through this much better than anybody here will be able to do. None of us know you or your situation, or your heart. I have experienced tremendous growth in therapy. 

This is a place to rant, to post stories, to get advice even, but don't take the advice here without somebody like a therapist to back things up. Seriously. Don't trust your life to anonymous people on the internet. We're all here hurting and in the same boat, some more than others. Some acting in anger and giving advice in anger. Some more healed, some less healed. Some with conservative views of life, some with quite liberal views. It is fun and the advice is worth considering, but get yourself to a counselor if possible.

Are you making friends? Are you involved in any social groups, religious or civic? Do you have a gym membership? 

The weight you lost won't stay off. It is not the right kind either. You likely lost a lot of muscle mass during this period and not as much fat weight. A gym can really help focus your mind, give you an activity, provide a social space, and help get you into shape.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Im not trusting my life to strangers On the internet. Im really just posting how I'm feeling and trying to get through this time in my life. I Thought that a place with people dealing with the same type things would be the appropriate place. I'm trying to get into individual counseling. I have friends at work and a few others. I'm a person that doesn't like to bother people to death and end up just holding it all inside. 
I go to the gym a few times a week and that is very helpful. 
This afternoon has just been really bad since both of my kids have told me they would rather live with daddy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

I'm sorry you are going through this. Having your kids say such a thing must really hurt. They don't know what they are saying really. Poor kids.

I understand your not wanting to bother people. I am the same way. I hold things in. This is great place to help release stuff. And there is good advice here; just make sure you test it out with close confidants in your life. I hope you keep posting.

Is there a separation/divorce group in your area that you could join? Might be helpful if there were. 

Why have you put up with your husband's behavior for so long? What is it about you, that allows somebody to walk all over you and you will still chase after that man? What kind of boundaries do you need to set for yourself to help you heal from your own behavior?


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Arendt said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this. Having your kids say such a thing must really hurt. They don't know what they are saying really. Poor kids.
> 
> I understand your not wanting to bother people. I am the same way. I hold things in. This is great place to help release stuff. And there is good advice here; just make sure you test it out with close confidants in your life. I hope you keep posting.
> 
> ...


There is a support group at a local church that I plan on going to when the kids aren't with me. I've heard really good things about them.

About his behavior- you know I don't know why I've put up with it. I've always thought he was so funny- but now I see how hurtful his "funny" can be. Came up this morning as a matter of fact. A friend of mine actually told me that she's never heard him say anything affectionate or kind to me and that some of his "funny" comments have made her very uncomfortable. 

I definitely need to talk to someone about boundaries for myself and what I deserve in life. Right now my self esteem is in the dumper and I know I need to work on that.

Thank you for your words! Hopefully a good weekend of sun, freedom and adult beverages with friends will help!


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

A book that might be useful to you: Melodie Beattie, _Codependent No More_. There is a good workbook for it too.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

I will pick that up. I know now that codependency is a problem. Or was a problem. I feel good today- I actually have some hope in my life that doesn't involve my marriage being repaired. I'm excited to start counseling, excited to see a lawyer.

The more I have to talk to him, the more I see. I don't understand why he wants to be good buddies with me, and how that's supposed to be ok. You don't want to be with me, but you want to be my friend? I don't chit chat with him anymore. He's also been really bad about throwing out what he's doing when the kids aren't with him (going to the movies, going to a concert). I told him that had to stop, that it was very hurtful and that we weren't going to discuss what the other does when the kids aren't around.

He's been to a lawyer, I go on Friday. His lawyer wants to change things in our separation agreement, so I can't wait to see what this guy says.

I know now that I don't want him back. Not that he's asked- but I feel stronger knowing that I really don't want him


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## BraveLady (Apr 13, 2013)

Hi Andrea, I can't offer any advice, I am in the same boat as you. But wanted to say I am sorry you are dealing with this. It truly sucks and is the most horrible pain I've been through.


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## Goofball (Mar 24, 2013)

Andrea - I hope you continue to have more good days than bad, but when the bad days hit, don't let them take you down too. I can't believe the little things that happen that can just ruin a perfectly good day. 
I'm at pretty much the same stage as you are right now, so if you need someone to commiserate with...

Good luck with the lawyer!


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Goofball said:


> Andrea - I hope you continue to have more good days than bad, but when the bad days hit, don't let them take you down too. I can't believe the little things that happen that can just ruin a perfectly good day.
> I'm at pretty much the same stage as you are right now, so if you need someone to commiserate with...
> 
> Good luck with the lawyer!


You are so right! I had a good day, but mid-afternoon something hit me and I got so down and started to feel sorry for myself. The loneliness just got me. He has had the kids for the past few nights and that's been rough.

I start counseling this afternoon, so hopefully that will help.


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## Goofball (Mar 24, 2013)

I've made it a priority to reach out to a friend and just talk it through when those things hit. I've been doing a ton of walking too (with a little running thrown in there) turning my music way up and just getting outside seems to help for a little while anyway.

I'm fortunate that I have a real life friend who is going through a divorce too so we lean on each other a lot. She's about the only single friend I have right now and just lover her to death.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

This is hard. I know it sounds dumb but everything is so difficult right now. I've started counseling so hopefully that will help. I had the kids this past weekend and that was so terrible to have them leave me yesterday even though it's for only two nights. 

There are so many things I wish I could say on here, but I'm so afraid he's reading this. I'm afraid of everything- am I being followed, is he somehow listening to my conversations? My paranoia is in high gear. I did call my dr. to see if I could get something to maybe help with the anxiety that is quickly taking over my life.

I have been reading some great books that really make so much sense- now I just need to use what I learned!


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

He is not reading this..

I can only imagine if mine read my thread..LOL LOL..

You need to open up and this is the place to do it.

I find it therapeutic to even discuss the things you learn in therapy and how it has changed you on this site.

Don't clam up... it doesn't do you any good and makes you more sick to your stomach.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

THere is so much to say- things he's said, the way he is acting, that I don't know where to start. I'm trying so hard to control my emotions around him, but he keeps telling me that I can always talk to him about anything. I've slipped up a few times, but not many. Then when I don't talk to him, he gets angry with me and that gets me upset again.

Such a fun cycle.

I saw a lawyer on Friday and retained him this morning. He got mad that I wouldn't really discuss what the lawyer said. I am so scared about this part that I have been shaking all day. I've only seen his temper about 3 times, but it's horrible. The terrible things that come out of his mouth are what scare me.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It looks like he wants his freedom, but he is adamant about not having to suffer consequences for it...hence the verbal dumping...he actually thinks that you should be the ONE paying. Pure selfishness there. He is just blowing hot air to gain ground...like a toothless tiger...cowardly lion.
We in these forums call this behavior cake-eating "cake and eat it too" behavior where they want the benefits of running out on the marriage, and still expect to have full range and access to the parts of the marriage that they liked. This is why you get random texts or bizarre random calls, seeming to invite friendship...it is the emotional push & pull of an emotionally compromised person. You are very strong to set that boundary...and that is the selfish little boy within him that throws tantrums.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

He has no right to ask you what you talk to your lawyer about. If he asked again it is none of his business.

You need to look after yourself your lawyer is your first step.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

FormerSelf said:


> It looks like he wants his freedom, but he is adamant about not having to suffer consequences for it...hence the verbal dumping...he actually thinks that you should be the ONE paying. Pure selfishness there. He is just blowing hot air to gain ground...like a toothless tiger...cowardly lion.
> We in these forums call this behavior cake-eating "cake and eat it too" behavior where they want the benefits of running out on the marriage, and still expect to have full range and access to the parts of the marriage that they liked. This is why you get random texts or bizarre random calls, seeming to invite friendship...it is the emotional push & pull of an emotionally compromised person. You are very strong to set that boundary...and that is the selfish little boy within him that throws tantrums.


Oh Former Self. You hit it right on the head. When he starts with the "We can be best friends!" bit I have to keep reminding myself he feels guilty about what he is doing but isn't man enough to stick around and work through the hard times. I keep telling myself that this new person isn't the same man I married. That something is off in his noggin. I'm trying very hard to stand my ground. I've always been the one that would just say "that's fine" to avoid a confrontation. 

He has always made me feel like I wasn't ever good enough for him. Not pretty enough, didn't dress the right way, don't listen to the right music. He thinks the girl he had the EA with last year is the most perfect thing in the world. I told him she washes off that makeup just like I do and looks like crap in the morning. She is a human and we all have faults.

He is selfish- always has been. He's an only child that comes from a well to do family. I've gone without because he spent our $ on whatever. He never liked that I wouldn't spend tons of $ on clothes- or on the clothes he wanted me to wear. I wasn't running up a credit card for that mess! But he had no problem dropping $100 on something for his golf game. He owes me $ now because he put $100 on my debit card for a tanning bed membership. He no longer has that card or is a user on my credit card.

He dropped the kids off this morning so I could take them to daycare and just walked in the house like he still lives there. Straight through the kitchen into my bathroom. Still has lots of stuff in the house. I'm tired of looking at it.

I feel better.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Do what I did... take his stuff.. put it in boxes and bags and get them out of the house.

I have actually gone out and put stuff in her car while she stood there. 

Take the kids and get pictures with just them and you. Take down the family ones and put the new ones up. I did that.

Since you are not a family he doesn't need to be in pictures in the house.

Mine doesn't even come to the house.

Get him to drop them off at a neutral location and tell him he is no longer welcome in the house. Mine doesn't go in the house anymore. She sits in the driveway the odd time that she has to bring them home.

Start taking control.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Dadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> Do what I did... take his stuff.. put it in boxes and bags and get them out of the house.
> 
> I have actually gone out and put stuff in her car while she stood there.
> 
> ...


I did that with the pictures. The day he left I took down my bridal portrait and anything with him in it. We had a few things in the house with our monogram. Told him he could have them as I didn't want them anymore.
He has to come pick up the motorcycle to sell, so that will give me space in the garage to put his stuff. Right now the things I've gathered are in the living room. He sees it, knows it's there. Just doesn't pick it up.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

When he pulls up, start loading those boxes in his car. You are not a storage company. 

When he asks what you are doing, ask him to grab a box and help.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

andrea2828 said:


> I don't think anyone is reading this-
> 
> *You know now that we are, and thinking about things in your best interest. *
> 
> ...


*We can tell! :smthumbup:*


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

The ball is rolling on all fronts. I feel better today. I know that it's going to be a long year of waiting but I will come out better on the other side.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

My world is falling down right now. Who is this person I married? I have my kids and found out some very distressing news. How do I keep my cool with him when he calls to tell them good night??? I want to scream and curse at him. How do I handle myself with them here? I can't let on what I know. 
Somebody please tell me this awful pain will go away. How do they do this and still live with themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

more info.... what did he do?


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Just getting farther into finding out the whole truth. I'm not comfortable saying more right here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Sounds like POSOW...


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Ding ding. 
Just spent 45 minutes trying to get my kids in bed. It amazes me the selfishness they have. No regard for anyone but themselves. I hope the karma bus hits them both and maybe drags them down the road.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Him and the posow- not my kids!!
Thoughts are jumbled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

I'm trying to be calm and handle my business but he gets me so riled up! I had a list of 4 things that needed to be taken care of- 2 things to do with finances, 1 with the house, and the final was trying to get an answer of when he's going to get his stuff out.
He was so angry with me. It's hard to have someone yell at you like that when this is his doing. He finally asked if I was having a bad day- I just said no, I'm fine.

I'm not fine. I'm miserable. Not because I miss him- but because of the pain he's causing everyone but himself. I don't want him. But it's hard to just separate 9 years of marriage and not think about it again. I don't know how he's doing it.

I am so angry today that I can barely function. I know I don't need to let it control me, but I don't know what else to do with it. I've raged to other people, written it out, and now writing it here. I just want him to know how angry I am. But I know he doesn't care. HOw can he look at their precious faces and know what he's doing. 

I know he is painting me as the bad guy in all of this and that's hard to deal with. I've admitted my faults in our marriage. I've worked through those things. He thinks he has done nothing wrong. Never saw an EA as an actual affair. I'm sure it has moved on to PA over the past few weeks.

How do I deal with this? Knowing he's with someone else and is happy while I'm left to deal with everything that's going on? I think he thought that once he decided he didn't love me that was that and poof we're divorced. I want to move ahead and try and get things settled, but he's the one not wanting to finish anything.

I'm a good person. The issues I had were issues any married couple would face while raising 2 small children. I've moved past those, tried to fix myself. Still trying to fix myself and make myself better. He talks to me like I am the most horrid thing on earth. He started this thing off with wanting to be friends, but now will barely speak and when he does it's angry. I try very hard not to be angry back, but I did yell at him today- yelling at him to stop yelling at me and that he can't talk to me that way.

I've never wanted to hit someone so much in my life. 

I've got to stay strong. I can't show him how much he is hurting me. He doesn't get to think that I'm pining for him. 

I have counseling and a dr.'s appt. tomorrow to talk about the anxiety issues that are coming out in all of this.

Vent over.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

OK... now his boxes need to go in the driveway and if he doesn't move them then they go to the curb for the garbage truck.

Now that he is moved on his stuff needs to go. As soon as I found out about POSOM I purged the house. Everything that didn't fit in a bag or box went in the garbage.

Time to take back control of the situation. You are allowing him to do this to you.

Get his crap out of the house. Tet him/call him and tell him that he has until garbage day to move the boxes or they go to the landfill.

You DON"T need to be nice anymore. He severed that with the POSOW.

You are pissed, show him how pissed you are by tossing his junk on the lawn.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

So many things have happened. I have found out so much that I didn't want to know. I know now how much of a liar he is. He has lied straight to my face and worst of all to my kids faces. Has lied everyday. I have to hold my tongue on what I actually know and that is so hard. I want to scream at him that I know the truth. It's so hard to acknowledge that this is the person I married and have trusted with everything over the past 11 years. Now I'm rethinking everything he has ever said and wondering if that was all a lie. He talks to me now and all I see is them in bed together. He tries to be nice but i know it's out of guilt. Hopefully I'll get to file this week. 
I have been put on anti depressants to help with the anxiety. Hopefully that will kick in soon. I've also started reading codependent no more and I see so much of myself in there. 
I also asked for my kids one more night per week. We were doing joint custody but its just not working. Even after a month thy cry every night they are here. That hurts so much. 
No real point to this post!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

Hi Andrea. 
First of all, I am sorry that you even have to be here.

I have just read the last posts on this page and certainly have had a similar experience. 

It's ok to be angry. It is very normal honey. And like everything-it will pass eventually.

This is not you. It's him. 
Get into IC and vent there, and here.
When you talk to him try and remain cool and detached. It will help you gain strength.

We are here. Although you may feel it-you are not alone.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

oncehisangel said:


> Hi Andrea.
> First of all, I am sorry that you even have to be here.
> 
> I have just read the last posts on this page and certainly have had a similar experience.
> ...


Thanks. He acts like I'm not supposed I be mad. That I'm supposed to just go on with my life. Aaaaarrrggghhh!
I am in counseling. Thank goodness!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

I have all the proof of adultery I need. My lawyer has already started the process and he should be served papers within the week. Fault for divorce will be adultery and her name will be on the papers. I found out this morning.

It hurts so bad. My heart hurts. I know this will make the divorce process a lot faster but it's so much to deal with. I feel like less of a woman because of this. But I know I haven't done anything wrong and that I shouldn't feel that way. I just want to heal from this, but right now I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

We still have to talk a lot because of the kids. I try very hard to do cool, firm, and detached. But then he gets mad that I'm not talking to him. I can't let him know I know what's actually going on- when all I want to do is scream at him and call him names. It's so hard to be half-way nice to him right now knowing all of the lies he has told and is still telling.

This is really hard to deal with.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

hey.. send me a PM with your e-mail.. I will send you a 60 page article from my therapist on how to deal with anxiety. It describes different coping mechanisms for different types of anxiety.

I still picture mine in bed with her new boyfriend. I know the pain.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Getting through something like this is so hard...and it is hard to know what hurts more...the cheating...or the lying. It is hard enough to be able to mourn all of the losses...and then deal with all of the pain of the infidelity. In my scenario, my wife has multiple emotional affairs, and acted the same way your husband did...got got angry and resentful at me! This is how much denial they are in...not letting their right hand know what the left hand is doing...just being so stupid in their addictive phase...that they regress into shallow creatures vomiting out vile words while lustily consuming every thing that they feel like they DESERVE...then just ****ting it out all over those who loved them. Absolute destructive mode. Not to sound crass with that...but that's what it is.

You are right to separate from this...and to not attack him verbally or let him know of your knowledge of his cheating. As the saying goes, "If you correct a fool, you invite a beating." There are days that you will not want to face this...just want to bury yourself under the covers. I do not have kids...so I CANNOT imagine the strength that you must have to muster through this and take of things. But I DO KNOW that it will get easier...the sharp pain and anxiety attacks will go away, that you will find your compass direction and that *shudder* you actually will feel happy again.

It's been three years since my D-Day...and I thought it miraculously recovered, since I fought to do everything the right way, but for my wife...it was killed. So I can even say forgiveness is possible...as that is what it took to help me equalize...but she couldn't get over her selfishness, went back to EAs...but at least was honest enough to tell me this time...and I obliged to her request for a divorce (two months away from the finalization). I FEEL SO RELIEVED NOW! I believe you will feel the same relief...but it is time that you start enforcing your spatial and relational boundaries...he does not have the right to assume that he has free reign to YOU. And although you will be having to make child arrangements...that is about the kids...not about you...he released that right the second he chose someone else. So I think it is good that you read books on codependency...they helped me...also the book, Boundaries.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

I will pick up that book Former Self.

I found out even more last night. He is a piece of work. May have a secret apartment? That scares me b/c he has my kids tonight and tomorrow. I don't know if they will be with his parents (where he's supposedly been staying) or at this apartment. I don't care if he has an apartment. 

For the first time yesterday afternoon he had to watch his kids choose to do something with me over him. I was over the moon. Granted, I was taking them swimming at the YMCA...

Having a strong day today. I have not cried since I found out my information yesterday morning. That was only a little then. I hurt, but I'm not crying.

I have to pick up all of the evidence from the PI tomorrow night. I'm nervous about that already. I know I don't want to see the pictures and video. I really don't want it anywhere near me.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

andrea2828 said:


> I have to pick up all of the evidence from the PI tomorrow night. I'm nervous about that already. I know I don't want to see the pictures and video. I really don't want it anywhere near me.


I know all about that feeling. Even after *I* decided R was not going to work, the images of him walking into a girl's house, at night, rocked my world. The proof of reality will send you into a tailspin, regardless of how well you've already accepted it.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> I know all about that feeling. Even after *I* decided R was not going to work, the images of him walking into a girl's house, at night, rocked my world. The proof of reality will send you into a tailspin, regardless of how well you've already accepted it.


Yeah, I can definitely go without seeing him playing kissy face with this pos. Blech.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

andrea2828 said:


> Yeah, I can definitely go without seeing him playing kissy face with this pos. Blech.


Ooohhhh, you're in SC! Me, too! I'm in Columbia. Where are you?


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Ah- a good day yesterday- The first day since all of this started that I didn't find out something new about him. Plus, I didn't talk to him all day! Definitely makes things easier. He did call after I talked to the kids last night and wanted to chit chat. I nipped that pretty quick. I know everything coming out of his mouth is a lie and I know that I don't want anything to do with that.

Did cardio kickboxing at the gym last night. Felt good to hit their faces in my head.

I'm just dreading tonight when I have to pick up the evidence. I'm going to run quickly to my lawyer in the morning to get it away from me. 

I know he'll be served papers in the next few days and I'm trying to prepare myself for the anger that will come after. 
Anybody have any advice for dealing with the backlash that will come with that?!?


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Today is a rough day. I have the kids this weekend but it is hard to think that this is usually the time we would be doing family things together. Now I take the kids to do them myself. It's so hard to see the other happy families when I take them places. I plan on taking them to the movies today but I'm just so sad. 
My daughter is having surgery on Monday. I just keep thinking that I'm going to have to sit there with him the whole time. 
Just feeling bad today and needed to let it out somewhere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

My daughter is in surgery right now so in sitting in the waiting room with him. 
It's just so odd. There are so many things I want to say but I can't! I guess we will just play on our phones until it is over. 

He called me last night all paranoid that I have somebody following him. I told him it wasn't me but could be coming from the posow's side of things. That actually felt pretty good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

How's your little one's surgery going?


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

northernlights said:


> How's your little one's surgery going?


She did great! She had a mass in her neck. They were able to get the entire thing out. I am so thankful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

So, has he been served, yet?


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Not yet. Hopefully in the next few days. My lawyer is having to wait on the court to set the temporary hearing date.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Watch out for the backlash that will likely come with that.

Mine went from a raving lunatic, to meek and "remorseful", back to a lunatic in a matter of 10 minutes.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Yeah I'm really not looking forward to that at all. I know it will be verbal insults and I'm trying to get ready for that. He's being sweet as pie to me right now and I don't know why. Tried to kiss me earlier. I bet the posow wouldn't like that....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

andrea2828 said:


> He's being sweet as pie to me right now and I don't know why.


He's got to keep you around as Plan B, in case posOW gets tired of his crap.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Well I'm not an option anymore. Right now I'm having to lay low but I have a feeling once he's served he won't be trying to put the moves on me anymore. 
Still denies that anything is going on withe her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

I've got to do better with the hiding my emotions from him. He still gets me so mad. Just because I know he is lying. I just want to shake him. He kissed me on the mouth after our daughters surgery yesterday and told me he loved us on the phone. That threw me for such a loop that I said you too. After I hung up I realized what had happened. 

I'm trying to be strong. I'm waiting on the papers to be filed. I'm just ready for a day that I don't find out some more mess about him. 

It amazes me how easily I've been replaced. People ask about me and he has no problem introducing them to her. Just need strength. I know I'll get through this and will be better. I have to keep telling myself that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Papers are ready. I have my temporary hearing date. Waiting on him to be served.

I am scared to death.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Hugs! Do you have girlfriends nearby to lean on right now? Failing that, there's always reruns of the Golden Girls on Lifetime!


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

andrea2828 said:


> I am scared to death.


Of what? His reaction?


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

northernlights said:


> Hugs! Do you have girlfriends nearby to lean on right now? Failing that, there's always reruns of the Golden Girls on Lifetime!


I have friends at work that I talk to- I don't have many outside of work. 
Oh, i love the Golden Girls.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Of what? His reaction?


Yes. I don't know why. This is what he wants. He left. He has openly been seeing someone else. I've always been so worried about what he thinks of me- am I pretty enough, does he like my outfit, does he like my hair. Now I'm scared of what he could say to me to knock me down and hurt me. I know I don't need to let him hurt me, but it still does. I know they are just words.

He keeps telling people that we have this "gentlemen's agreement" and that I said it's ok to date.
I'm not a gentleman.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

andrea2828 said:


> Yes. I don't know why. This is what he wants. He left. He has openly been seeing someone else.


It doesn't matter what he "wants". Expect some sort of disagreement, or anger. He's used to doing what he wants, when he wants. He will not like the fact that you're putting your foot down...on the back of his head.




andrea2828 said:


> I've always been so worried about what he thinks of me- am I pretty enough, does he like my outfit, does he like my hair. Now I'm scared of what he could say to me to knock me down and hurt me. I know I don't need to let him hurt me, but it still does. I know they are just words.


Whoever came up with the 'sticks & stones' quote is full of crap. Words can hurt, and they DO hurt. The goal is to be able to differentiate the truth, from what is not. You were fearfully and wonderfully created. His opinion of you matters not. 

When I started to really believe that, and love myself, I was able to see straight through the circumstances. Sure, the words still stung for a second, but I realized they were coming from anger, and bitterness, and jealousy, and fright. That was my ex's way of holding on to me. Verbal abuse is VERY empowering, but it's never really about you. It's always about the person spewing the hatred.



andrea2828 said:


> He keeps telling people that we have this "gentlemen's agreement" and that I said it's ok to date.
> I'm not a gentleman.


This is where you BLOW UP exposure. Exhaust all means to get the truth out - Family, friends, co-workers, FB, neighbors, etc. (I put my own on Cheaterville.com) Don't make it easy for him to be so scandalous. Stand up for what YOU believe in, girl. He's made it clear that he's not gonna.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Thank you Happy Katy. I have to remember that his words are coming from a bad place. He runs so hot and cold with me that it's ridiculous. Tried to kiss me on Monday and then we had a huge fight yesterday morning and by the time he left he wanted to hug me again.

I want to expose- but I know he is openly taking her around and introducing her to people. I can't figure out what I want to do to expose- I'm thinking signs on the front doors at both of their jobs. My mama wants to handle telling his mama. I thought about taking all of my lingerie and dumping it in her yard (ya know, since she's married).


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

andrea2828 said:


> I want to expose...I can't figure out what I want to do to expose- ... (ya know, since she's married).


Oh, Andrea.

You can have a field day with this one.

Does her husband know? 

If not, tell him ASAP. 

Go to his work and tell all of his co-workers, then her's, too. Call his family and let them know that their precious son, brother, cousin, nephew, etc. is an adulterer. 

Tell the neighbors. I put a bulletin (with his picture) on the community board that said, "Attention: ******* ***** is no longer allowed on my property, as he is a lying cheater. If anyone sees him on, or near, my home, please call me at ***-***-****."

Tell your friends, and his friends (although, I'm sure he's made them aware of the "gentleman's agreement").

Leave no stone unturned, and don't worry about how it will affect him, because he surely isn't worried.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Oh, Andrea.
> 
> You can have a field day with this one.
> 
> ...


I'm pretty sure her husband knows--- supposedly she has left him for my stbxh. Dummy. 
I do need to tell his family. He is on such a pedestal with them.
I can put up a sign at his precious golf course!!


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

andrea2828 said:


> I can put up a sign at his precious golf course!!


Do it!

I'd confirm with her hubby, too.


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

Hi Andrea,
I agree with Katy - expose.
When I discovered my husband was cheating I exposed to my family, his family & mutual friends. We are currently separated (3 months), in my case my husband took the easy option and ran to the OW. I don't regret it though, it stopped the inevitable rewriting of our marital history ('Oh we grew apart, by the way meet my new girlfriend') and people lost a lot of respect for him. It also had the effect that people are not as willing to accept her. I know that people do have short memories concerning this sort of thing, I never asked people to take sides (but people will) and I know blood is thicker than water but at least people know the truth why we are apart.
It might feel 'humiliating' at first but once you start telling people it gets easier, I think you will be surprised at how much support you receive.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Papers were served this afternoon! I don't think he realized what was happening. Called me afterwards to fuss bc I didn't give him a heads up that he was being served today. Really? I had to point out that adultery was on there. He's still saying he hasn't done anything. I told him that I have all the proof I need and that he can't argue with that. He never got mad- I think just shock that I actually did it. 
I feel like 50 lbs has been lifted off of my back. I feel better tonight than I have since this started. 

This may sink in over the next few days and them he will get mad but I will deal with that then. Called to let me know something about the kids and was nice as could be later. So odd. 

Now on to the exposure!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

andrea2828 said:


> Papers were served this afternoon! I don't think he realized what was happening. Called me afterwards to fuss bc I didn't give him a heads up that he was being served today. Really? I had to point out that adultery was on there. He's still saying he hasn't done anything. I told him that I have all the proof I need and that he can't argue with that. He never got mad- I think just shock that I actually did it.
> I feel like 50 lbs has been lifted off of my back. I feel better tonight than I have since this started.
> 
> This may sink in over the next few days and them he will get mad but I will deal with that then. Called to let me know something about the kids and was nice as could be later. So odd.
> ...


I'm proud of you, Andrea! 

You are so much stronger than the majority of us were, when we first started. Stay grounded. You deserve SO much better, regardless of whether it's from him, or someone else.

Read up on the "180". Since he's been served, it may benefit you to cut off communication completely, except that in regards to the kiddos. As betrayed spouses, we have to set boundaries with the wayward spouses. We have to let them know what we're not okay with, sometimes on a daily basis, to begin with. You can ignore text messages and phone calls that are irrelevant to co-parenting, but when he gets nasty (and he will), you just tell him, "I'm not okay with profanity", or "I'm not okay with insults", or simply "I'm not okay with where this conversation is going". The bottom line is, refrain from any explanation and extended conversation with him. He doesn't deserve your time or energy. Make him respect you.

Again, you're doing great! Vent here, when you get mad. I promise you we've all been where you are.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Thank you Happy Katy! I feel like I got my power back. I feel so relieved today and so much lighter.

I do have to work on the explanation and extended conversations with him. He wanted me to explain the paperwork to him. I told him to call my lawyer and that he probably needs to call his. 

I'm just still so surprised it went down the way it did. He thought I was pining over him and had no idea how much I've been holding in all these weeks.

Here's to a good day!


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## catcalls (Oct 31, 2012)

well done on taking control of your life. just refuse to talk to him and consider meeting in neutral places like car parks to collect the kids

anything he asks about the divorce, ask him to talk to your attorney


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

:FIREdevil:
Exposure Phase 1 is in effect. Letters to her parents and husband. Now to decide on my next part...


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

andrea2828 said:


> :FIREdevil:
> Exposure Phase 1 is in effect. Letters to her parents and husband. Now to decide on my next part...


You ROCK! 

Hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Although, I will say this...

A phone call to the hubs would be even better.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Although, I will say this...
> 
> A phone call to the hubs would be even better.


I can't find his phone #!!!
He got a free night certificate in the mail from the local courtyard Marriott for guest satisfaction. I guess they had a stay one night that wasn't up to snuff! I am resisting everything to call and ask him about this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

andrea2828 said:


> I can't find his phone #!!!
> He got a free night certificate in the mail from the local courtyard Marriott for guest satisfaction. I guess they had a stay one night that wasn't up to snuff! I am resisting everything to call and ask him about this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't call him! 

Use it for yourself.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

So this weekend he has had the kids. It amazes me how hard the weekends are with them or without them. I guess going to work helps keep me occupied. I miss them so much. 
They called last night and they were all with his parents going to watch fireworks on the lake. That is stuff we always did together. He has them for the 4th and is taking them to the event that we have always done as a family. Meanwhile I'll be here alone. I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I know it needs to stop. I just keep thinking how much I miss my family. Not necessarily him but the family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

This is what I want to say to him. My therapist has asked me to shun him from my life, so I'm currently not speaking to him. I just need to get this out before I explode.

Dear STBXH,
You want to know why I'm mad? You honestly have no idea why I would be mad? You still won't admit you've been having an affair- even though her name is listed in the divorce papers! We are getting a divorce based on your adultery- but you still don't know why I'm mad? You have made me feel like the past 11 years of my life have been a lie. That everything you ever told me was a lie. Especially the past year. 

Last July 3, I let you come back into my life and my heart. I've worked so hard over the past year to make sure you were happy that I neglected to make myself happy. You have driven my self esteem into the ditch- but I know now that I look pretty dang good to be 33 and have 2 small kids. You have made me feel like I was a lesser person because our marriage was having trouble. That everything was my fault. I look now and see how bad it actually was. That you have tried to control me and anytime I stood up for myself you knew exactly how to make me back down.

I was blind enough to accept you back after you repeatedly made huge mistakes- going to her house, writing her a long love letter. Your mother is the one that begged me to stay with you after I found the letter on your computer. I should have kicked you out then. 

I know now that it's not you I miss. I know I don't love you anymore. I can't love someone who can so openly disrespect me to others. I miss the family. That's all. But now I get that complete feeling when it's just the kids and me. I miss having someone on the other side of the bed. That doesn't mean it has to be you.

You act like I have fallen off the face of the earth to our mutual friends as you parade her around. She's ugly and not just physically. I hope she makes you feel better about yourself. I hope one day you do to each other what you've done to me and her husband. Have you not noticed that you and her husband look the same? She's moving to the same person! Does she think you have money? Because you won't after I get done with you.

You still claim you "haven't had an affair". You are an idiot. How in the world can you be so blind. You are trying to use my children against me- but what you don't know is that kids are smart. They pick up on things and figure things out. I don't have to say anything bad about you to them. They will see what you are.

I can't wait to get on with my life and meet someone who thinks I'm fabulous. While you live your life with someone who has a skunk stripe blond streak and wears white glitter eyeliner.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

White glitter eyeliner... :rofl:

I wrote practically the same letter to my STBX, and then burnt it. Tomorrow night, at my divorce party, we're using my wedding dress to start the fire. 

Your therapist is right. Cut him off, completely. You're doing great, girl! Keep up the good work.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> White glitter eyeliner... :rofl:
> 
> I wrote practically the same letter to my STBX, and then burnt it. Tomorrow night, at my divorce party, we're using my wedding dress to start the fire.
> 
> Your therapist is right. Cut him off, completely. You're doing great, girl! Keep up the good work.


I've been wondering what to do with my wedding dress! 
Thanks. I needed some encouragement today.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

So, are you and the kids staying in the marital home?


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> So, are you and the kids staying in the marital home?


We are for right now. But I know I don't want it and he doesn't either. I'm trying to do a few things to sell b/c walking into that house is like going into a dungeon. It's just not the same anymore.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

andrea2828 said:


> We are for right now. But I know I don't want it and he doesn't either. I'm trying to do a few things to sell b/c walking into that house is like going into a dungeon. It's just not the same anymore.


I know that feeling!

Are you asking for alimony?


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> I know that feeling!
> 
> Are you asking for alimony?


I wasn't at first but with all of the discoveries, my lawyer is advising me to go after what I can. I meet all of the criteria to get alimony. I haven't had a sit down with my lawyer since the whole formal adultery thing. What we discussed before is completely different now.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

andrea2828 said:


> I wasn't at first but with all of the discoveries, my lawyer is advising me to go after what I can. I meet all of the criteria to get alimony. I haven't had a sit down with my lawyer since the whole formal adultery thing. What we discussed before is completely different now.


Go for it! I'm getting it, and I make more money than mine does.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Ok so I may need a 2x4. He wanted to see the kids for a little while so I took them to his family's property so they could ride the tractor. I haven't talked to him in several days. He said he was very glad we were talking again. I told him children's happiness was more important than that. I went out for supper with the kids, him, and his mother. It was all very odd and uncomfortable. I never really said anything. 

Before leaving he made a remark about me being angry. I told him that I want one day that I don't find something out about him. He then asked if I would ask the lawyer to remove the "no molestation" statements in the divorce papers bc he can't stand not touching me. Wth? Doesn't make me question anything as I still know he is a lying liar. Maybe he finally read the papers and is trying to step up his game.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

He's trying to get things to work in his favor.

Stand your ground.

Anytime, Conrad...she's a smart one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Yeah, so far this morning has just been weird. I don't know if something is going on with the posOW (oh no how awful!) but he has texted me all morning. Has told me he is crying twice. All b/c I called him out about being with her. My last comment to him was that this is what he wanted.
I'm going dark again. So strange.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

I just want one day where I don't find something out. Just one. I haven't had a single day since may 17 that I haven't found out something about him. Today was confirmation that the hotel charge on MY credit card was actually him. He tried to blame it on his friend. How much more can there possibly be. I was feeling good and now I'm back in the crapper again. I'm going to a local divorce support group tonight just to get out. He has the kids for the next 2 days. 
Just so tired of being an adult right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Where is the happy medium? I can't seem to find that fine line between not talking to him at all and talking too much. After finding out about the hotel bill, I sent him a text telling him in short to not ever talk to me again. Well, he took that quite literally and I didn't talk to my kids at all yesterday.

I finally had to call him this morning b/c I really didn't know where my kids were and was freaking out. He answered and said he was waiting for me to call first b/c he doesn't want to be set up. There is a section in our divorce papers that says he won't harrass me. That is what he's talking about.

I told him we have got to sit down and talk about this like adults. I'm tired of his smart-aleckness and he's tired of me being so angry all the time. I know I've got to work on controlling my anger. I'm trying. This isn't in the best interest of the kids and I know that.

I just can't find the middle ground.
Does anybody have any ideas on how to deal with this?


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Funny how things change from day to day dealing with divorce. Everything from what's going on with the process to feelings. Since Friday I have been feeling great! I don't know if I'm truly moving on or if the Prozac finally kicked in! Either way, I'll take it. It still hurts, but I feel like I can do something now. I feel like I'll be ok or even better than ok.

I haven't had any desire to talk to him. We've had to see each other to drop off the kids, but that's all. Last night when I dropped them off, that was the first time I've looked at him and haven't had a feeling of disgust or love or anger. I just looked at him and saw how others must see him. He was just kind of there.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

So last night my final chance to expose fell in my lap. His parents came to drop the kids off and I let them know what is actually going on. I don't think they knew. I felt really good after they left knowing there are 2 more people that know the truth!

Then at midnight he started texting me wanting to chit chat. Told me he didn't like not talking to me every day. I told him that he fired me from that job and that's what he has her for. It was very strange. Then he asked what I told his parents b/c his mom was visibly shaken by things I said. I told him to ask them b/c I wasn't ashamed of anything I said.

I feel good today. Ready to get this done and over with.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

It's a good thing that you've become dispassionate towards him. That will help you tremendously in the healing process. For me, that was the hardest part...you know, not hanging on to his every word.

You're one tough chick, though. You leave no stone unturned, and that's awesome!  Rock on, girl!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> It's a good thing that you've become dispassionate towards him. That will help you tremendously in the healing process. For me, that was the hardest part...you know, not hanging on to his every word.
> 
> You're one tough chick, though. You leave no stone unturned, and that's awesome!  Rock on, girl!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have. I don't care about talking to him and I don't care about seeing him.

I'm trying to make sure everything is covered. I don't want this to be easy for either of them!


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Feeling good! Got angry with him last night about the kids and him lying. Said my piece, then the anger was gone. Just poof and I felt better. I didn't dwell on it, didn't keep me awake. Just gone. That is a wonderful feeling!

We have the temporary hearing 2 weeks from today. Then I'm taking my kids to the beach. I think we all deserve a vacation after this mess.

With my new "don't care about you" attitude I've also been able to set boundaries with him lately. And keep them. I've been able to be a little more friendly and able to have normal interaction. Definitely easier on the kids.

Hopefully this momentum will continue.


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