# I need to be yelled at!



## RodSwelling (Sep 15, 2015)

I',m brand new. This is my first post. I will try to be as brief as possible here but here's my situation:

I'm on my second marriage. In terms of frequency I'd say my current wife and I (married 10 years) have sex about 5 times per week. She has lately asked that we go down to every other day. I guess my problem is or was never the frequency but she has no enthusiasm during these encounters.

After reading many of your stories here, I figure I'm actually pretty lucky. So really, I need you all to yell at me for not being more understanding.

And I also wanted to thank you for giving me some perspective.

For those of you who've gone months or years without sex from your partners, I just don't know how you do it. I would have left long ago.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

She announced a change in sex schedule from every day to every other day?

Sorry dude this is the beginning of the end, at least as far as the sex goes. 

You will soon be one of those "sexless marriage guys" who is considering his next option.

You might be able to make a save here if you ask yourself some hard questions and provide yourself with honest answrers.


Why does she show no enthusiasm during sex? It wasn't always this way. Sure she could have developed low libido or have health problems or hormonal problems that affect her sex drive, and those possibilities may need to be explored.

But first take a good hard look at yourself. Your appearance, your hygiene your performance in bed. Have you gained weight? Let yourself get out of shape? Do you satisfy her? Do you keep it unique and interesting with different positions and toys? Do you take care to make sure she gets her O before she gets yours?

This is just for starters.

I think you might be nodding your head as you read my post, if so you've definitely got work to do if you want to avoid being one of those husbands who can't remember the last time they had sex (with their wife).


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

RodSwelling said:


> I'm on my second marriage. In terms of frequency I'd say my current wife and I (married 10 years) have sex about 5 times per week. She has lately asked that we go down to every other day. * I guess my problem is or was never the frequency but she has no enthusiasm during these encounters.*


Do you understand that those two things are related? She's telling you the frequency IS a problem for her. So no, she isn't going to be enthusiastic about it when she is having sex too often.

She's given you a good compromise to try. _Give it a try. She is likely be more enthusiastic if she doesn't have to do it when she isn't into it. 


_


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## Average Joe (Sep 2, 2015)

Whoa. 5 times/wk after 10 years? This was us maybe the first couple months. Now after 5 years, it's down to once every couple months.


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## RodSwelling (Sep 15, 2015)

warshaw said:


> She announced a change in sex schedule from every day to every other day?
> 
> Sorry dude this is the beginning of the end, at least as far as the sex goes.
> 
> ...


Her reasoning is basically "pre-menopausal changes" I guess. As far as being in shape etc, I'm a triathelete. I eat a very healthy diet. I'm religious about hygiene and I would do absolutely anything she wanted in bed.

I assume your response was in jest and I will take it that way but just wanted to cover all the bases in case it wasn't, lol.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

RodSwelling said:


> I',m brand new. This is my first post. I will try to be as brief as possible here but here's my situation:
> 
> I'm on my second marriage. In terms of frequency I'd say my current wife and I (married 10 years) have sex about 5 times per week. She has lately asked that we go down to every other day. I guess my problem is or was never the frequency but she has no enthusiasm during these encounters.
> 
> ...


As someone who was in a Sex Starved Marriage and isn't anymore I think I can appreciate what you are saying. I consider twice a week to be a blessing, but I am 66. 

I understand a fear on your part about cutting your sex life in half. 

Consider yourself yelled at!:wink2: You are indeed fortunate.

Your wife has told you that she would like to cut back in frequency. Talk to her about it. Tell her you love her and appreciate the sex that the two of you have between each other. Tell her how important sex with her is to you and how much you cherish her and enjoy the closeness that it makes you feel to her. Tell her your fears. Tell her that you do want to be supportive, but you are scared of loosing something that is very important to you. Ask her if you can agree to try it for a period of time, say a month, then talk about about what happened during that month and renegotiate for the next month. Or re-evaluate weekly.

Also tell her that maybe the two of your can work on technique to make the fewer encounters more intense (intense is not necessarily better). I would not tell her that she doesn't seem to show much enthusiasm, unless you want to start a fight. 

I do think you can suggest things that might improved the intensity for you. Maybe they are some tease and denial things the two of you do on the off days. Maybe they are sexy texts or notes early in the day on the on-days to greatly extend the mental foreplay. Maybe they are alternating massages, extended foreplay or heavy petting on the on-days. 

Ask her what she would like to try to make things more intense or if she feels that just less frequent will make things more intense.

When my wife and I were in Sex Therapy together, I was asked by the therapist, what kind of frequency I would want to remain in the marriage and to think about it and answer in the next session. I thought about it and said 3 times a week. The therapist asked me to explain to my wife why I didn't want sex 3 times a day. Really vigorous sex with my wife actually bruised my penis and her vagina. I said that after really vigorous sex, I need a day where we could hug and touch but not have sex. The therapist thought my request was reasonable and well thought out. She actually had me go through the exercise for a couple of reasons, one was to prove to my wife that there was an upper limit to what I wanted and the second was to make sure I had thought through my request and it was reasonable.

You fear how low your wife could go that every day to every other day may be just part of a slippery slope. Your wife might have really good reasons she doesn't want sex everyday and may really like having lots of sex with you, just not every day. She may also want more cuddle time or more sleep time. You need to talk to her to find out why she suggested this.

Good luck to you. Cherish your wife, for you are a very lucky man.


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## RodSwelling (Sep 15, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> As someone who was in a Sex Starved Marriage and isn't anymore I think I can appreciate what you are saying. I consider twice a week to be a blessing, but I am 66.
> 
> I understand a fear on your part about cutting your sex life in half.
> 
> ...


You have basically hit the nail on the head. I'm not so much fearful of the not having it 5 times a week as I am that this is the start of her putting me on the twice a week plan.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi Rod and welcome to the forum. (nice pornstar name by the way)

I was very unhappy when my wife of over 20 years suggested we go from 2-3 x / week to 2-3 x per month. We have settled at 1 x per week. I hate to admit it, but NoraJane is right. She is much more enthusiastic and creative on this schedule. You should at least give it a try. BTW, there is no restriction on solo play, Mrs. Nail fully understands that my drive is higher than hers.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> I understand a fear on your part about cutting your sex life in half.


It's not cutting it in half. Every other day can be 4 days a week one week, and 3 days the next. He's having it 5 times a week. So she's asking for 1 or 2 days less per week, and is asking for a day in between.

This may seem like a nitpick, but it's actually very important to understand what she is asking for and the true impact.


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## RodSwelling (Sep 15, 2015)

norajane said:


> It's not cutting it in half. Every other day can be 4 days a week one week, and 3 days the next. He's having it 5 times a week. So she's asking for 1 or 2 days less per week, and is asking for a day in between.
> 
> This may seem like a nitpick, but it's actually very important to understand what she is asking for and the true impact.


It's not a nitpick at all. Once a week would literally have devastated me.

i will give it a try.

And it's more or less, not the every other day schedule. It's the fear or how much more will she decrease it in the future?


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

RodSwelling said:


> Her reasoning is basically "pre-menopausal changes" I guess. As far as being in shape etc, I'm a triathelete. I eat a very healthy diet. I'm religious about hygiene and I would do absolutely anything she wanted in bed.
> 
> I assume your response was in jest and I will take it that way but just wanted to cover all the bases in case it wasn't, lol.


I don't know you and I have no way of knowing what sort of shape you're in or what sort of sex partner you are.

If you've truly got those bases covered then it could be a matter of her sex drive dropping off and there's maybe nothing you can do about it except hope that it doesn't continue to deteriorate further.

Another point I'd like to make is that it's rather odd that you have a predetermined sex schedule.

To me sex should be impulsive, at the moment, as needed, as desired, not "well today is not our usual scheduled sex day, so let's return to regular programming".


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

RodSwelling said:


> And it's more or less, not the every other day schedule. It's the fear or how much more will she decrease it in the future?


This is a lie that your insecurities are telling you. You are taking what could possibly happen in the future as the truth about what is already her plan. You have no evidence that she is thinking that. And, (this is the kicker) you have time to explore her needs and see what you might be able to do to keep her at this level. That is the only constructive use of your fear.


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## RodSwelling (Sep 15, 2015)

warshaw said:


> I don't know you and I have no way of knowing what sort of shape you're in or what sort of sex partner you are.
> 
> If you've truly got those bases covered then it could be a matter of her sex drive dropping off and there's maybe nothing you can do about it except hope that it doesn't continue to deteriorate further.
> 
> ...


it wasnt ever scheduled, i'd initiate and she'd comply...well mostly about five times per week, her reasons given are that her body is changing etc


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

RodSwelling said:


> it wasnt ever scheduled, i'd initiate and she'd comply...well mostly about five times per week


So then now that it's been reduced, you are not allowed to initiate more frequently than the new rules permit?

Or is it an "average" sort of thing, or she keeps count and if you initiate she wiggles her pointer at you and shakes her head, and silently points to the calendar?

I wonder if there's an app for this sort of thing?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sometimes you need to back off the frequency to give you (and her especially) a chance to build up desire. I love steak, but if I ate it 5 days a week for 10 years I'd want a break. 

Oh, and "RodSwelling"??? Really?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Oh, and "RodSwelling"??? Really?


I'm just mad I didn't think of it first.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Oh, and "RodSwelling"??? Really?


You beat me to it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wow, so in your mind she's committed to enthusiastic daily sex no matter what she thinks? 

Sounds like an exhausting way to live, and seems like you think she's obligated to have your level of desire. 

If my hb pestered me every day he'd get little to no enthusiasm too. 

Your sex life sounds a bit one sided in your favor. 

Sometimes you really do need a rest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

A modest decline in frequency isn't so bad if the enthusiasm level improves a bit at the same time. Since you say she shows little enthusiasm now, perhaps with more breaks she will have more. If not, then perhaps it is the start of a slippery slope. But, it's too soon to say that, and I would work on making the sex better and encourage her enthusiasm. Anyway, much as I like sex, I'd rather have it a little less if the enthusiasm improved from lackluster.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Rodswelling is pretty good.

Keeping it hard would be better>

Well my first marriage was once a week and I dealt with that for 21 years...sigh


My second was almost daily and that rocked!

Now I am back to none...double sigh.

Fight for what you had rodswelling by asking for the love notes,teasing, texts, or emails like others suggested in other posts.

Thinking about what you will get is very exciting. Our best sexual organ is our brain!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

norajane said:


> It's not cutting it in half. Every other day can be 4 days a week one week, and 3 days the next. He's having it 5 times a week. *So she's asking for 1 or 2 days less per week, and is asking for a day in between.*
> 
> This may seem like a nitpick, but it's actually very important to understand what she is asking for and the true impact.


Well said. You are right 5 times a week to 3 to 4 times a week is not the "half" I said. It really is not an unreasonable request. 

After this many years she probably knows how important sex is to him, which is probably why she asked as opposed to announce a change of schedule.

I strongly suggest they talk about this and "negotiate" something that works for both of them. There is no "right" amount of sex frequency. She might have a really HD sex drive and is just having a temporary stress problem at work. It could be just about anything, until they discuss it. He clearly has fears that need to be addressed and discussed with her. What works at one stage of a marriage may not work at another stage in the marriage.

..................................................



WorkingOnMe said:


> Sometimes you need to back off the frequency to give you (and her especially) a chance to build up desire. I love steak, but if I ate it 5 days a week for 10 years I'd want a break....


Yes, but each couple needs to negotiate the frequency (and quality). 

Quality may or may not be related to frequency I can see were it would be for some, but for others "practice makes for better technique" and higher oxytocin levels that reinforce bonding.

I can truly say that when my marriage went downhill, both the frequency and the quality deteriorated. When I was having sex once every few months it was horrible. Then with the help of a sex therapist and others and a lot of hard work, both frequency and quality got better.

Surprisingly, the OP and his wife have been humping like rabbits for nearly 10 years, so there is probably some reason on her part for wanting a change. It also would make sense based on the post that he would have fears. They need to talk about it and figure out a compromise that both can live with and agree to experiment and renogotiate as time goes on.


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## RodSwelling (Sep 15, 2015)

warshaw said:


> So then now that it's been reduced, you are not allowed to initiate more frequently than the new rules permit?
> 
> Or is it an "average" sort of thing, or she keeps count and if you initiate she wiggles her pointer at you and shakes her head, and silently points to the calendar?
> 
> I wonder if there's an app for this sort of thing?


well im not entirely sure, this agreement was reached just yesterday and we did have sex last night....im assuming if i tried to initiate she would say no?

my plan is to just not try anything though....i have a new smoker coming tonight and i plan to set up/ assemble it anyway...will be a nice distraction


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## RodSwelling (Sep 15, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> This is a lie that your insecurities are telling you. You are taking what could possibly happen in the future as the truth about what is already her plan. You have no evidence that she is thinking that. And, (this is the kicker) you have time to explore her needs and see what you might be able to do to keep her at this level. That is the only constructive use of your fear.


Thank you. I came here hoping for this sort of advice and you are probably right, but the fear is there nonetheless. I don't plan to argue with her or anything and hopefully with a reduction in frequency, some enthusiasm will return.


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## RodSwelling (Sep 15, 2015)

I would like to thank all of you for your input.

If my screen name is offensive, please try to look past it. It wasn't meant to offend, it was meant to be funny and lighthearted.

The last thing I have to say is this: I feel like no one has really read what I've said here with regard to HER reasoning for this. Her stated reason is basically that she is entering menopause (she's 43). And with that comes vaginal dryness and discomfort. We've tried lubes and other products but these result in her getting yeast infections. Which obviously are not good.

And really what I would like is to hear from some women about this. I mean does it ever get better? Does vaginal dryness last like maybe for only the part of the transition to menopause or is it a permanent condition? If so, what can be done to alleviate this?

I do not view her as having a high sex drive. I think she is probably on the lower end of the spectrum though she does seem to orgasm about twice a week. She has said before that she often does it just because I want to. And as much as I want her to want me, I think it's a very loving thing that she does it just for me. I do all sorts of things for her too so it seems only fair.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Get some coconut oil instead of lube. It's much better than most lubes and natural, so maybe no yeast infections.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The choice is yours.

Oatmeal every night, or Hamburgers every other night.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

if she is getting yeast infections that easily a probiotic is in order.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

RodSwelling said:


> And really what I would like is to hear from some women about this. I mean does it ever get better? Does vaginal dryness last like maybe for only the part of the transition to menopause or is it a permanent condition? If so, what can be done to alleviate this?


HRT or maybe the estrogen cream should help. Other than that, yep it's most likely permanent.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

karole said:


> Get some coconut oil instead of lube. It's much better than most lubes and natural, so maybe no yeast infections.


Another vote for coconut oil. 

43 seems young for menopause. Are there any other indicators that that is the case? (google them)

You've described a possible physical issue (dryness), have you considered the mental/emotional side? 

Or where her head is at in general? If, as you say, you're banging her 5x a week for a decade, and she only O's a couple of those times (or says she does), it's quite possible she's 'done' with being humped all the time. Even if it is 'out of love for you'. 

I can't speak for all menopausal or post menopausal women, but mine get's as wet as she did before, even squirts a couple of times per session now. (though that may be for other reasons )

Though we're only going at it a couple times a week, not every d*mn day. 

It's quality, not quantity. Not saying you're not some some of sex god in the sack, BUT she's feeling used. Just a cum bucket for you to offload into every night. Not loved. Not appreciated, not desired. 

Personally I don't think her dried up VJ is the problem. It's her dried up feelings for intimacy with you.

I can guarantee you that your "I do all sorts of things for her too so it seems only fair." attitude is going to be felt by her and will affect how she feels about bedtime. That's called "duty sex", "obligation sex", "contractual sex" even. And there's not a woman on the planet who is turned on by that kind of sex. Except perhaps the ones that DO have contractual sex. I.E.; on an hourly rate.


IMO, you need to stop focusing on her VJ. The problems you're having are a few feet further up, between her ears. And your's.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm a woman. You said that you always initiate and she goes along with it, probably because she knows it's important to you. She doesn't want it that much, that's why she's not enthusiastic. 

You can't have everything. If your sex life is going to be about you and your needs then you can't complain about her enthusiasm. If you come to a mutually acceptable agreement then you can reasonably ask for a little more enthusiasm 

Think about it: she asks you for every other day, likely because she's thoughtful and doesn't want to openly reject you. She's telling you that every day isn't working for her. I'm going to guess that last night was initiated by you, so you pretty much ignored what she was telling you. Nice way to convey that sex is about you and what you want. 

She's going to resent that if she doesn't already. Your sex life has to accommodate the needs of both of you. Your attitude of entitlement to as much sex as you want because you do other things for her is going to bite you in the rear end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RodSwelling (Sep 15, 2015)

DayOne said:


> Another vote for coconut oil.
> 
> 43 seems young for menopause. Are there any other indicators that that is the case? (google them)
> 
> ...


As much as I didn't like reading this your points are well taken.

I've agreed to the reduction here and so we'll see how it goes.

Here's a question for you though. Let us say that she comes to me with some sort of emotional problem or need. Would it be ok for me to only attend to her needs half the time in the marriage? If she said, "i really need us to talk more, i need you to support me more in this endeavor". Is it ok for me to say "yep, i'll do it but only half of the time"?


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## RodSwelling (Sep 15, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm a woman. You said that you always initiate and she goes along with it, probably because she knows it's important to you. She doesn't want it that much, that's why she's not enthusiastic.
> 
> You can't have everything. If your sex life is going to be about you and your needs then you can't complain about her enthusiasm. If you come to a mutually acceptable agreement then you can reasonably ask for a little more enthusiasm
> 
> ...


our agreement was every other day...we did not have sex on monday night so we did last night...as to intiating, she simply said "are you ready for bed" which i took to mean we are having sex...she got naked and we proceeded from there

what i want to ask women who don't think sex is any everyday thing is ...why is it ok to only attend to the needs of your marriage whenever you feel like it?

I don't particularly like hearing about her arguments with her sister but i listen attentively whenever she brings it up. I don't like washing the dishes either, but i do it with a smile on my face nearly every night. There are maybe a hundred other examples. Why is this one aspect of marriage something that can only be done occasionally?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

RodSwelling,
Forget about frequency. What you should be going for is quality. I am certain your wife feels the same way. The more you dog her for sex day in and day out, the more she will want to back off. Give HER a chance to WANT you, to DESIRE you. I have the same problem you do. Not exactly in terms of frequency, but the end game is the same.

Have the strength to let her come to you. Graciously accept her proposition. The key word here is "graciously." If you let her know you're all pissed off and keep pushing, instead of every other day, it's going to be once a month and possibly never if you can't eventually control yourself. 

Women typically are not sexually attracted to annoying, groping, panting dogs begging for sex day in and day out. They are however attracted to men who have their shiit together and can control all aspects of their personalities.

I wish you well.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

RodSwelling said:


> our agreement was every other day...we did not have sex on monday night so we did last night...as to intiating, she simply said "are you ready for bed" which i took to mean we are having sex...she got naked and we proceeded from there
> 
> what i want to ask women who don't think sex is any everyday thing is ...why is it ok to only attend to the needs of your marriage whenever you feel like it?
> 
> I don't particularly like hearing about her arguments with her sister but i listen attentively whenever she brings it up. I don't like washing the dishes either, but i do it with a smile on my face nearly every night. There are maybe a hundred other examples. Why is this one aspect of marriage something that can only be done occasionally?


I see, so in your mind sex is about tending to your needs? What about your wife's needs? I can't recover with daily sex so I'd never enjoy any of it, so in your mind is that OK if hubby is getting his? I can't believe that what you really want is for her to put out on demand and fake interest? Tending to the marriage doesn't include considering your wife's sexual needs? 

Let me ask you this: when your wife to off her clothes last night did she seem excited? Was she into the sex? If so great, if not then it was all about you. 

Is it your position that washing dishes with a smile is a favor to her? Washing dishes is part of running the house and you live there. So is it your position that you're owed sex because you participate in the running of the house? 

You just come off as very selfish sexually. If that's not the case I'll apologize right now, it's just the tone I get from you. Sex is about you and your needs and your wife should suck it up. Thats not going to result in a mutually satisfying sex life. Only in porn can men take and not give and women fake enthusiasm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

RodSwelling said:


> Here's a question for you though. Let us say that she comes to me with some sort of emotional problem or need. Would it be ok for me to only attend to her needs half the time in the marriage? If she said, "i really need us to talk more, i need you to support me more in this endeavor". Is it ok for me to say "yep, i'll do it but only half of the time"?


Nope. That's payback. Revenge. Repercussion. Or just call it what it is. 

Sulking.

You're feeling like you're not getting your 'needs' met. (IE lotsa fking, on your terms), so to get back at her your mindset is to only meet her 'needs' halfway.

Doomed.To.Failure.

You gotta rethink it. Connecting to your woman isn't about the physical. Not even close. Sticking your d*ck in her, nightly, doesn't equate love, compassion, a marriage. At least not to her. It seems to be a benchmark for you though. And you should ask yourself why. Why is fking her all the time, having an 'agreement' for frequency, making sure YOU get laid on a schedule, so important? 

You're missing something, from your partnership. And I'm d*mn certain she is. 

When *she simply said "are you ready for bed?"*, I'll bet you didn't look at her face. Really seen her. Read what was written there. I think you'd have seen resignation. 

"lets get this over with" is what you would have seen. 

*which i took to mean we are having sex* Of course you did. That's your mindset. your goal. your NEED. And right now you're coming across as p*ssed that you're not getting that (shallow) need met. 

What would happen if you had replied "yes. but tonight I'm just going to hold you, and I want you to fall asleep in my arms".

Watch her face when you say that. SEE what goes through her head when she knows she not going just be used again.


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## RodSwelling (Sep 15, 2015)

To the last 2 posts:

male needs are always shallow, while female needs are exalted?

i see this all the time

if you watch Dr. Phil or Oprah here is the scene

man complains his wife won't have sex

Host tells man that "maybe if you did more around the house, she'd be more receptive to sex"...women in the audience go wild with applause

yet I never ever see the reverse....Dr. Phil never says "oh you want him to do more housework? how about having some sex?"

and to answer the question above, no i don't think she owes me sex because i wash dishes or mow the yard or anything else...i think she owes me sex because she's supposed to love me and because i'm her husband, if you didn't want to have sex why did you get married? why not just pick a room mate and live that way?

we took vows, included in those vows was the one "to have and to hold"

i agreed to monogamy, not celibacy


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Fair enough.

Good luck.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

You think she owes you sex because you're her husband and she loves you.

Fine. But owed sex is duty sex, and duty sex is not enthusiastic.

If you'd rather have lots of duty sex, carry on. If you want enthusiastic sex, you'll need to compromise a bit. Just like if she wants you to pretend to listen to her problems, she can rattle on all day, but if she wants you to really listen, she'll have to pick and choose which problems to tell you about and give you a break in between.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

RodSwelling said:


> our agreement was every other day...we did not have sex on monday night so we did last night...as to intiating, she simply said "are you ready for bed" which i took to mean we are having sex...she got naked and we proceeded from there
> 
> what i want to ask women who don't think sex is any everyday thing is ...why is it ok to only attend to the needs of your marriage whenever you feel like it?
> 
> I don't particularly like hearing about her arguments with her sister but i listen attentively whenever she brings it up. I don't like washing the dishes either, but i do it with a smile on my face nearly every night. There are maybe a hundred other examples. Why is this one aspect of marriage something that can only be done occasionally?


I don't think of sex as attending to anyone's needs, not even my own. I see it as a joy and a pleasure, and something deeply intimate. Thus, sex needs to be fulfilling to me, and it is in no way fulfilling if my partner considers it as my job, and behaves as though it were my job, and has expectations around it as though he were my manager.

I am not a caregiver that has sex only to please someone else. I put my very personal _self _into sex. I do not do that with dishes. If I had to have sex as often as dishes needed to be done, I would not be able to put much of my personal self into it. That's how you end up with duty sex, and eventually, an aversion to sex.


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## RodSwelling (Sep 15, 2015)

NoSizeQueen said:


> You think she owes you sex because you're her husband and she loves you.
> 
> Fine. But owed sex is duty sex, and duty sex is not enthusiastic.
> 
> If you'd rather have lots of duty sex, carry on. If you want enthusiastic sex, you'll need to compromise a bit. Just like if she wants you to pretend to listen to her problems, she can rattle on all day, but if she wants you to really listen, she'll have to pick and choose which problems to tell you about and give you a break in between.


well said, and i agree with you...im going to do my best


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## RodSwelling (Sep 15, 2015)

norajane said:


> I don't think of sex as attending to anyone's needs, not even my own. I see it as a joy and a pleasure, and something deeply intimate. Thus, sex needs to be fulfilling to me, and it is in no way fulfilling if my partner considers it as my job, and behaves as though it were my job, and has expectations around it as though he were my manager.
> 
> I am not a caregiver that has sex only to please someone else. I put my very personal _self _into sex. I do not do that with dishes. If I had to have sex as often as dishes needed to be done, I would not be able to put much of my personal self into it. That's how you end up with duty sex, and eventually, an aversion to sex.


so if your partner is saying "hey i need this from you"...you just don't care?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

RodSwelling said:


> so if your partner is saying "hey i need this from you"...you just don't care?


I could ask the same question - Hey, I don't need or want sex now. Does he not care that I don't want to engage in intimacy right then?

It's not a one-way thing. Both people have the same rights to what they want and don't want. Neither is more important. Both need to be taken into account or one will end up with RESENTMENT which will kill all sexual desire whatsoever.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

RodSwelling said:


> so if your partner is saying "hey i need this from you"...you just don't care?


This is a huge and unfair oversimplification of what she said.

You can say you need it more often, and you might get it. But you can't just tell her to be happy about it.

If NoraJanes husband needs her to do the dishes, she will. But she won't be enthusiastic about it, if she's doing it more than she wants to. He'll just have to decide which is more important.


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## Average Joe (Sep 2, 2015)

Does she always O?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you are attending to her emotional needs for love, respect, and intimacy outside of sex, and she is doing the same for you, then barring other issues the emotional closeness this creates should naturally and easily lead to sex. Allowing for natural differences in building or creating desire may mean that optimal for you (almost daily) and optimal for her (perhaps every other day), mean some compromises are necessary. But if those flow from closeness and intimacy, then you may still have sex every other day on average, but sometimes you might have it twice in one day. Keeping too-close tabs on when you have sex and/or making sex transactional is a pretty sure way to kill desire and result in decreased frequency and quality. And it IS a two way street - but men and women really are different in how they are turned on (generally speaking), and you need to understand those differences and work with them.

If all of the above is in place and she's not making an effort, then there are deeper problems, which could include her being psychologically damaged in some way by past experiences or indoctrination. Overcoming those is HER responsibility, but it may be yours to help identify them if this is the case and point them out, and lovingly support her in efforts to deal with them. If she's in denial or unwilling to do so, then you aren't enough of a priority for her to work on her issues for the sake of the marriage. If the best you can achieve is duty sex, you have to decide if that's sufficient, or do you move on and find a more balanced and equally loving and intimate relationship elsewhere? Sometimes that is the only or best solution, but other avenues should be tried first if your relationship is mostly good.


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## RodSwelling (Sep 15, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> If you are attending to her emotional needs for love, respect, and intimacy outside of sex, and she is doing the same for you, then barring other issues the emotional closeness this creates should naturally and easily lead to sex. Allowing for natural differences in building or creating desire may mean that optimal for you (almost daily) and optimal for her (perhaps every other day), mean some compromises are necessary. But if those flow from closeness and intimacy, then you may still have sex every other day on average, but sometimes you might have it twice in one day. Keeping too-close tabs on when you have sex and/or making sex transactional is a pretty sure way to kill desire and result in decreased frequency and quality. And it IS a two way street - but men and women really are different in how they are turned on (generally speaking), and you need to understand those differences and work with them.
> 
> If all of the above is in place and she's not making an effort, then there are deeper problems, which could include her being psychologically damaged in some way by past experiences or indoctrination. Overcoming those is HER responsibility, but it may be yours to help identify them if this is the case and point them out, and lovingly support her in efforts to deal with them. If she's in denial or unwilling to do so, then you aren't enough of a priority for her to work on her issues for the sake of the marriage. If the best you can achieve is duty sex, you have to decide if that's sufficient, or do you move on and find a more balanced and equally loving and intimate relationship elsewhere? Sometimes that is the only or best solution, but other avenues should be tried first if your relationship is mostly good.


Very well articulated. I'm going back to reading other stories and posts here now, but did want to thank everyone who contributed, even those of you I disagree with. I am willing to consider all view points.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

His wife must think very highly of him to accommodate him him so well to this point, I think the frequency is just getting to be too much for her and she is honestly communicating her needs, and he is listening but concerned.

He sounds sympathetic and open and caring.



I will have to look into coconut oil, I have not heard about that before, its not by the KY at CVS he he he.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

RodSwelling said:


> our agreement was every other day...we did not have sex on monday night so we did last night...as to intiating, she simply said "are you ready for bed" which i took to mean we are having sex...she got naked and we proceeded from there
> 
> what i want to ask women who don't think sex is any everyday thing is ...why is it ok to only attend to the needs of your marriage whenever you feel like it?
> 
> I don't particularly like hearing about her arguments with her sister but i listen attentively whenever she brings it up. I don't like washing the dishes either, but i do it with a smile on my face nearly every night. There are maybe a hundred other examples. Why is this one aspect of marriage something that can only be done occasionally?


Well i have to admit i could not have sex every day or every other day if i am being honest, and if i was knackered, did not feel well, period, or any other reason i know my husband would not have a problem. Now i have no argument about pleasing the husband as i do what i can to keep my husband happy and satisfied, but if i really was not feeling like it like i have said for some reason, then my husband would be fine, and i know that he would not want to push if i was not going to enjoy it, or he felt like he was forcing me???.

Its about give and take really, if one of you are not entirely 100% happy about something then that should be ok too.

Now, my husband is the head of the household here, but he always asks me how i feel about things when he makes a decision.


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

Personal said:


> Sounds normal to me, after 19+ years of frequent sex we're down to 4-6 times a week, I think it's sad you are down to once every two months.
> 
> RodSwelling you are right to be concerned, noticing early and doing something positive about it early is the best chance you have to find a mutually satisfying resolution.
> 
> Letting this go is a fools errand.


4-6 times a week? I had one of those years. Not a 4-6 times a week year. I mean a 4-6 times in a year year.

Yeah... *heads off grumbling*


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I would stop initiating sex altogether and instead focus on building her desire for sex in general, and you in particular.

Stop focusing on the sex you might get today or this week and start focusing on enabling a great sex life with her for the rest of both your lives.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Decorum said:


> I will have to look into coconut oil, I have not heard about that before, its not by the KY at CVS he he he.


It's a solid oil/fat with a very low melting point (74-76 degrees, if I recall correctly). It's typically sold in a wide-mouth jar somewhere near the other cooking oils. It's good for baking, as spread in place of butter, and for skin and hair - as well as being a very nice lubricant.


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## bc3543 (Aug 24, 2015)

warshaw said:


> If you've truly got those bases covered then it could be a matter of her sex drive dropping off and there's maybe nothing you can do about it .


That isn't true. There are tons of remedies for this - Hormone therapy, etc. There are plenty of couples out there who have been married 30 or 40 years who have sex every day. 

Keep researching and problem solving. Don't settle.

But my bigger concern would also be her lack of enthusiam. Why is she not into you?

Maybe Sex therapy or marriage counseling could shed some light.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

bc3543 said:


> That isn't true. There are tons of remedies for this - Hormone therapy, etc. There are plenty of couples out there who have been married 30 or 40 years who have sex every day.
> 
> Keep researching and problem solving. Don't settle.
> 
> ...


Why not just listen to what his wife actually told him? She has been very clear.

She doesn't want sex 5 times a week, it's too much for her. She wants a day to recover in between days of sex. She is currently not getting that day, so she isn't enjoying the too much sex she is having.

That explains her lack of enthusiasm quite well. 

She is not broken and in need of hormone replacement therapy (which comes with risks, like doubling the risk of breast cancer), just because she wants sex 3 or 4 times a week with a day off in between.

Having said that, he should absolutely keep the lines of communication open between them, should start paying attention to when they do have sex and make sure she is enjoying it and having orgasms, and he should pay close attention to the overall health of their marriage. Sex doesn't exist in a vacuum, and even an enthusiastic partner and an enthusiastic sex life requires care and maintenance of the marriage overall.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Rowan said:


> It's a solid oil/fat with a very low melting point (74-76 degrees, if I recall correctly). It's typically sold in a wide-mouth jar somewhere near the other cooking oils. It's good for baking, as spread in place of butter, and for skin and hair - as well as being a very nice lubricant.


I'm always the last to know, but you are right my search said just get the pure no extra ingredients. I will try it as a butter replacement too since I am watching my salt.

The only confusing part may be when I say "I'll take mine over easy with coconut oil", hummmm...but context is everything, are we in the kitchen(?), she will know I mean eggs, ...or perhaps not... wink wink.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Im always the last to know, but you are right my search said just get the pure no extra ingredients. I will try it as a butter replacement to since I am watching my salt.
> 
> The only confusing part may be when I say "I'll take mine over easy with coconut oil", hummmm...but context is everything, are we in the kitchen she will know I mean eggs, ...or perhaps not... wink wink.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There are also two kinds of coconut oil. I cannot stand the smell of the organic, virgin oil - it smells like used french fry oil to me, though others love it. I only use that one for cooking - smells like popcorn when it's heated and makes fantastic scrambled eggs.

There is a refined version that doesn't smell, though, and that's perfect for play time. 

You might want to experiment with both!

Oh, and you can get it in CVS! It's in the aisle with the other snake oils, like the supplements and potions that actually do nothing for people but take their hard-earned dollars.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

norajane said:


> There are also two kinds of coconut oil. I cannot stand the smell of the organic, virgin oil - it smells like used french fry oil to me, though others love it. I only use that one for cooking - smells like popcorn when it's heated and makes fantastic scrambled eggs.
> 
> There is a refined version that doesn't smell, though, and that's perfect for play time.
> 
> ...


Thanks Norajane,

I am going to look for it and I will check out both.
Who would have thought there would be so many interesting uses for coconut oil.

I love eggs of all kinds and honestly I have cooked 99% of all the eggs in our home for over 20 years.

Her-spread the yoke out (over hard), and just past runny.

Me-over easy, 45 seconds, and onto the toast.

Love scrambled, and cheese omelets!
Dont get me started though.


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## bc3543 (Aug 24, 2015)

norajane said:


> Why not just listen to what his wife actually told him? She has been very clear.
> 
> She doesn't want sex 5 times a week, it's too much for her. She wants a day to recover in between days of sex. She is currently not getting that day, so she isn't enjoying the too much sex she is having.
> 
> ...


Why not? Because of experience and hundreds of sexless marriages on this forum and other sites suggest that a wife that wants/asks for less sex is not going to be magically happy by dropping from 5 days a week down 3.5. Maybe his wife is the exception, but as I guy I would also see this as the beginning of a slipperly slope. 

Furthermore, plenty of research suggests sex is a use it or lose it item. Less frequent sex isn't usually going to make someone who doesn't want it suddenly want it more. I've tried that and found the equilibrium point when I wait for my wife to want it to be 1-2 times per month. But there are other medical issues there which we are treating and we are now getting a lot closer to daily than we were.

Focus on the fact that she isn't enthusiastic. To me, the OP didn't sound like she would be enthusiastic 3 times a week, but resentful at 5x. It sounded like she didn't care for sex at all, but allowed him 5x out of duty/pity and now wants to reduce her level of obligation. In a healthy marriage with 2 healthy partners, both should be enthusiastic about some level of regular sex. There could be marriage issues preventing her desire. Or it could be a physical issue - menopause is a likely factor here. 

But with my wife we first fixed the marriage then she got to the point where she still didn't want sex but wanted to want it. That is why we are treating the medical issues - to make her want it again. It is possible, and its also good.

"I could ask the same question - Hey, I don't need or want sex now. Does he not care that I don't want to engage in intimacy right then?"

Also - I don't agree with this as you present a false dichotomy. Read Dr Harley's His Needs/Her Needs. He said that sex is a legitimate emotional need that only the spouse can fulfill. The default should be TO HAVE sex as its needed. If one spouse has a need for more sex than the other wants, then in an ideal marriage they will find a way to meet the higher drive's needs within reason. Defaulting to the lower drive or a compromise can leave important needs unmet.

Not having sex isn't a Need. Getting sleep can be a real physical need, but with creativity is it usually possible to meet BOTH the need for sleep and for regular sex (or some variant of "sex"). They don't have to be exclusive.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I llike sex, but I would not be enthusiastic about it if it was happening every day, on regular basis. maybe that's the issue behind her not being into it - it is too often, her body has no way to long for it. I guess she was doing it for you, but having sex when you are not in the mood can be damaging to relationship. leaves her feeling lonely. 
You too need to have a serious talk.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I remember watching this documentary on sexual therapy and there was this older couple where the guy bragged that he liked it twice a day and the wife had been managing to keep up with it for about 30 years. So during this discussion they started talking about the G-Spot and the wife was an avid part of the discussion and knew her body well, meanwhile the guy was sitting there like a deer in headlights and asked his wife, "you never told me you have a spot you like inside!"

I can't remember, but I think this is them:










My point being is that if you slow down a bit, you can actually start to enjoy smelling the roses in your relationship that you may have never noticed before! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Not having sex isn't a Need.


It's this kind of attitude that creates major disconnects and detachment in mismatched-drive couples, as well as boatloads of resentment that are difficult to unload.

The HD person is not the only one with needs. For the LD person, not having sex too often for comfort is absolutely 100% a need. Ignore their feelings about that and you'll eventually discover the joy of No Drive.

If you can't or won't recognize and acknowledge that your partner has a need for less sex, but you expect them to recognize and appreciate your need for more sex, you are living in a fantasy world.


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