# Just a Tired Regular Guy looking some answers



## Regularguy25 (Aug 30, 2021)

Hi All

Not sure what I am suppose to say so I am just going to type

I have been together with the same woman for 30 years. We have 1 biological girl (23), 3 adopted kids and 2 foster kids. We are a busy house. The oldest 2 kids are type 1 diabetics and one also of them is on dialisis as his kidneys have shut down.

My wife and I have fought for everything we have and have always been a team. Lately, our relationship has changed. I am on a medical leave of absence from work at the present time so I am home all the time. Slowly, gradually, I have been doing more and more around the house while my wife goes shopping with our eldest son "Tom" or will just hang out with him, and none of the other children, she will chase the kids away from room they are in all the time. They are seriously joined at the hip. He has to be in the same room as my wife, or will wait outside the bedroom door waiting for her to emerge. She enables his behavior and seems to enjoy it on some level. To me it is plain wierd.

Anyway, I have been doing some reading and found out that my wife displays lots of the signs of Naraccsitic tendencies. Then I started observing her behavior over time. It was all their.

I started listening to our conversations more carefully with a filter to pick up any traits she maybe exhibiting. WOW, yup all there. From the tone in her voice to never saying sorry.

Anyway, there is far more to this saga but I am looking for help with a queation

I would like to separate or divorce my wife but the two foster kids in our care would be moved. These two kids(all the kids infact) would suffer because of this. Not only divorse, for them to deal with but the 2 foster kids would be moved this would be like a death (loss)to us all and there goes a large chunk of our income as well.

Financially, it does not seem like a good idea to go our separate ways, emotionally it would be a nightmare to stay, I am already being treated for depression and anxiety, Spiritually, nada. So I got my heart and head at opposite ends of the spectrum. I am just not sure if I should stay for the kids or just bolt

Let me know your thoughts if you have the time and gumption to weigh in

Thanks for listening


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sorry you find yourself here...is your son, the adopted or hers? How is your personal relationship with your wife?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lately? How long? 
how long has the Tom thing been going on? Is there a connection to when this tin thing started and your problems with your wife, or did it start when you were home all day every day?


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Regularguy25 said:


> Let me know your thoughts if you have the time and gumption to weigh in


Go on a fishing/cycling/hiking trip alone for the weekend or a week.
See if you feel better after it.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Regularguy25 said:


> I am on a medical leave of absence from work at the present time so I am home all the time.


How long is that for, permanent? 

I can understand how it is with narcissists, two of my siblings are, and it's not fun.


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## Regularguy25 (Aug 30, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Sorry you find yourself here...is your son, the adopted or hers? How is your personal relationship with your wife?


Yes he is my adopted son, we got him when he was 16. He was traumatized then and he just went off the rails from there. Became an opioid addict for two years and then came home at 20 after a near death event. I was not excited to have him back but with his medical needs, felt like we had to, he had no one else 

My personal relationship with my wife....nothing mental, physical or spiritual at this point


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How old is the son now? Do you think she could be using him as a replacement husband? Without the physical of course. My husband's mother did this with him. Her marriage was unhappy and she turned to him to get her emotional needs met. It's very unhealthy. 
Have you talked to her about the way she favours him and ignores the others?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Regularguy25 said:


> Yes he is my adopted son, we got him when he was 16. He was traumatized then and he just went off the rails from there. Became an opioid addict for two years and then came home at 20 after a near death event. I was not excited to have him back but with his medical needs, felt like we had to, he had no one else
> 
> My personal relationship with my wife....nothing mental, physical or spiritual at this point


Something definitely sounds out of whack.

It also sounds like much of your life is not your own. Reading your posts, I kept thinking that you seem to be in the mindset of “setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.”

You know what happens to martyrs, it’s self-destructive and honestly pretty unattractive.

I would suggest you need to figure out what you actually want out of your life, family and marriage - and start operating in your own frame and acting in your own best interests.


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## Regularguy25 (Aug 30, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Lately? How long?
> how long has the Tom thing been going on? Is there a connection to when this tin thing started and your problems with your wife, or did it start when you were home all day every day?


My wife and Tom bonded immediately. I am not sure I even like Tom. He has gone through so much in his life but truth be told, he verbally abusive to everyone. Walk around like he owns the place, never lifts a finger and expects everyone to do everything for him. As time goes by I find myself being resentful towards him. That's a sad thing to say about a son.


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## Regularguy25 (Aug 30, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> How old is the son now? Do you think she could be using him as a replacement husband? Without the physical of course. My husband's mother did this with him. Her marriage was unhappy and she turned to him to get her emotional needs met. It's very unhealthy.
> Have you talked to her about the way she favours him and ignores the others?


I agree 100%. This is almost like a Oedipus Complex but more symbiotic. I even mentioned it to her and she just had an excuse, like always.

Tom Is 21


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Regularguy25 said:


> I agree 100%. This is almost like a Oedipus Complex but more symbiotic. I even mentioned it to her and she just had an excuse, like always.
> 
> Tom Is 21


Do you suspect something sexual between them?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Regularguy25 said:


> My wife and Tom bonded immediately. I am not sure I even like Tom. He has gone through so much in his life but truth be told, he verbally abusive to everyone. Walk around like he owns the place, never lifts a finger and expects everyone to do everything for him. As time goes by I find myself being resentful towards him. That's a sad thing to say about a son.


And you have tolerated this, why? 

It’s your job to lead your family, why the hell do you allow this dynamic to continue?


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Sounds like you've been displaced as the Alpha male of the house. Like what happened with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Can you imagine being Brad Pitt and ending up outmaneuvered by some little korean orphan you let your wife take in? Talk about a come down. 

If you don't want to end up the same way Brad did I would start to acknowledge what your wife and this kid already know. That he's not your son anymore, he's your replacement. And take action to get him out of your house and away from your wife.

Or you can just be the nice guy, continue to be his dad while he crosses boundaries with your wife in your home, right in plain sight. But you know what they say about nice guys.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tim is about 5 years overdue for a boot out of your house. Sorry but that’s just how it is. You call him son and he probably describes you as some old codger he puts up with because he’s easy to use.
You sound extremely passive to me. Stop it. Start making your life work for YOU. And if your wife isn’t on board with repairing the relationship, you can trade her in, too.


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