# need advice!



## 242PM (Oct 3, 2013)

I would be so grateful for any advice or direction that you all could give me... 

My situation is this: Married 4 years, together 12. Husband has been grumpier than usual for some time, but I just thought it was due to increased demands at work. 2 weeks ago he announces that he wants out. He feels that our marriage is not a true partnership and that he feels like he is my parent. He refuses to go to counseling or to work on our relationship in any way, he says he just knows that it's over and doesn't want to prolong the inevitable. He promises to be very fair with me financially, doesn't want to fight in court, just wants to come up with an agreement between the two of us that we both feel is fair. Says he has been miserable for years and that there is no one else, he just can't be married to me any longer. (I secretly checked his texts messages and emails and found nothing that would suggest there is any one else and he's one of the most honest people I know so I really don't think there is someone else) After telling me he wants out he has been nicer than he has been in years. Wants to go out to nice dinners, insists that I sleep in bed with him and cuddle all night and has been more agreeable and pleasant to be around than he has been in a long time. Says that he will always be here for me no matter what, that he knows we will still be good friends and that he still loves me and thinks I'm an amazing person, he just thinks we are too different to be happy together and also that he feels I don't take responsibility or accountability for anything and he has to shoulder all the burden of being the only "adult" in our marriage. So my question is this, why does he want to spend time with me if I make him so miserable and he wants to live seperatly starting November 1st? (still haven't decided for sure who gets to stay in the house, we both want to) The weekend starts tomorrow and we have no plans other than he might go out after work for happy hour with his co-workers. (I have been a housewife for the last few years.) The rest of the weekend is totally open and I don't know if I should just go stay at a friends house and give him the place to himself to maybe take the "pressure" of him and make it seem like I have my own life and I don't need him or what. As much as my husband says that he just knows in the pit of his stomach that he doesn't want to be married to me, I feel in my heart that if we put a little work into it that we could recapture the romance and have a better relationship than we ever had. I just know it! Despite my begging and pleading he absolutely refuses to go to counseling or do anything other than split up. I'm so confused....what should I do if my only objective in the entire world is to spend the rest of my life with him? I really feel he's not happy with himself and that he is projecting that on to our marriage. He has no hobbies, no friends outside of work other than a friend in another state who comes to visit a few weekends a year. He has some family that lives nearby but doesn't feel inclined to see them outside of holidays and weddings etc. We live in the most beautiful area on a large lake and we have a boat that he refused to go on until he finally caved in and went on the boat twice in August because we had people in town who wanted to go. He literally does nothing but come home from work and watch t.v. while playing on his phone. I have promised that I will work on all the issues he has with me but he says he doesn't want me to change who I am to make him happy because then I won't be happy and there is nothing wrong with who I am it's just not who he wants to be with. Please help!!!!!!


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## Oblivious2678 (Sep 3, 2013)

It's time for a 180. It's time for it to be all about you. Spend the weekend at your friend's house. Let him be by himself for the weekend. Do not bring up the issue at all. Be happy and confident around him. You do need counseling...go individually for now and then hopefully he will open his eyes and join you. 

Are you by chance a needy spouse? Do you have any children? Do you rely on him too much?


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## 242PM (Oct 3, 2013)

Thank you so much for the response, I am so in need of any counsel and will follow the 180 the very best I am able to. I have tried to do the 180 and did OK for 2 days, but then broke down and cried in front of him and told him that me acting like I was OK was all an act and that I was destroyed inside and to please not do this to me....so essentially I took 1 step forward and 20 back. I am too dependent on him. For money I am totally dependent on him because I don't work. He has a child from a prior relationship who I am very close to, but we were not able to have children together because he had cancer in his 20's (I was at his bedside and moved into his hospital room every time he had to go in and nursed him through a year of treatments and 2 major surgeries. He has now been cancer free for 7 years). We were just about to start the process of invitro fertilization next month with sperm he had frozen before chemo treatments. Due to traumatic family stuff that happened with my parents 2 years ago I have not been myself and have been slowing getting stronger and accepting the changes with that and beginning to think about reconciling with my mom (she abandoned my dad the day he was diagnosed with alzheimer's and has left everything in my hands from chosing a nursing home etc. for him to me and my sister wants nothing to do with him and my brother lives overseas and calls him about 1 time every 3 months, so I have no support to help me with my dad at all. Even my husband hated my dad because of emotional abuse he inflicted on me growing up and felt I should just get a court appointed guardian for my dad and let him pay for what he did in his life). So anyhow I was dealing with all this on my own at the same time we moved from the city to a small town to be near my step-daughter and I had the hardest time meeting people because when you are in your 30's and in the suburbs you normally would meet people through your kids, but my step-daughter lives with her mom and is only with us every other weekend and a few times a week she comes for dinner. Even though me and her mom have a great rapport people in this tiny town couldn't comprehend that you could be friends with the mom and the step-mom and I was basically ostracized for the last 2 years. In the past few months I had made friends with a woman who just moved here and I feel like as soon as I made a friend my husband felt it would be OK for him to leave me. The only other friend I have lives 2 hours away and has cats which I am deathly allergic to, and so if I were to leave it would have to be to go to a hotel, which I have thought of doing. I might take one of our dogs with us for company and go stay in a random hotel or motel for the weekend and just read self-help books all weekend and reflect on how this could have happened. I never thought he would leave me......I believed him when he said he would never abandon me like everyone in my family did when I refused to abandon my dad. I know it's not easy to be married to someone who is depressed to the point that they cannot work, but I was getting better. I had made a friend, was starting to get out of the house more and did everything to make his life as easy as possible. Even though I didn't work outside of the house I had a full-time job taking care of him and our home. We live in a way too big house that takes an hour just to sweep and steam-mop the floors on the first floor. I also cooked meals every night, drove him to and from work, cared for our menagerie of pets including two very active large dogs, paid all the bills, taught myself how to use a drill and did home repairs, bid out jobs for stuff that needed to be done around the house, planned and led all the activities we did on the weekends we had his daughter. And most of all I loved his daughter as if she were my own. I spent more time with her one on one than he did. I taught her everything my mom taught me like how to sew, crochet, scrap-book, bake etc. We always had such a blast the two of us together, and it was even better when my husband joined us in our fun. OK, sorry if I was just all over the place, I guess in a way I am just venting. 

Please, any additional advice is much much needed. I love my husband from the bottom of my heart, I don't think he is perfect, but I do think he is an amazing man and all I want in life is to grow old together!!!


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## Oblivious2678 (Sep 3, 2013)

There are a lot of issues here. You have to start with IC. You have a lot of responsibility on your plate and you are overwhelmed. It will be difficult for you to pull off the 180 if you are depressed. The last thing you want to do is show him our desperate you are. Focus solely on getting yourself better right now.


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## 242PM (Oct 3, 2013)

Thank you oblivious. I know it will be hard, I need to must all the strength I have. My one friend who lives 2 hours away is passing through my town for work and will stop by later for an hour, so I at least have that. It's hard because my husband is being so nice to me and so gently and feels so bad that I am hurting so all I want to do is fall into his arms crying. I don't understand why he won't fight for our marriage. Didn't our vows mean anything to him? Doesn't he realize this will hurt his daughter too? ( I will always have a relationship with her as long as she is willing to have one with me, she is my heart and one of the best parts of my life, but she is a teenager now and I don't know if she will even have time to spend with me between splitting time with her mom and dad and friends etc.)


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## Oblivious2678 (Sep 3, 2013)

I understand you feel as if you have no one right now, but you have to surround yourself with a support system. You need that close friend right now to confide in. I'm sure your husband cares about you and doesn't want to see you hurting. However, by fixing yourself and making yourself stronger, you can pull off the 180 that will in the end make you prepared for whichever road you take, whether it's possibly fixing your marriage or moving on...either way, you will be strong enough to handle whatever is in your way.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Since you don't have children why don't you go back to school and get a skill. What do you do with your days?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

I dont think I can help much. But try these questions.
Why did your husband split with his first wife.
Is this your first marriage.
Did you used to work.

Your husband for some reason wants to 'move' on. I dont advise doing anything 'drastic'.

What about your friends does he like them.
You say there is some disagreement about your parent. Could that be the cause of it.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Don't just assume it is over. Unless there is another woman in the picture, some men will come around if you show some significant change. 

And you need to find out if there is another woman in the picture. Do a little digging because there are some red flags in your story. BTW, these boards are riddled with wayward spouses who were "honest as the day is long"...until the wayward spouse found someone else. There are ways to find out, so read some of the stickies on the Coping With Infidelity forum. 

Next you need to start working on yourself. It sounds as if you may have some things from your childhood that need to be looked in IC; neediness, not working, dependency, etc. Find a counselor and get to work on yourself. 

Do the 180 and start being more independent. Get a job or get training to move yourself into a position where you can find work. Barring some huge alimony, if your marriage fails you are going to have to find a way to support yourself. 

Do not move out of the family home. 

A visit out to your friend's for the weekend might do you some good. 

Tell us more about your H.


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## 242PM (Oct 3, 2013)

Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for your counsel thus far. I have been trying to hard to do the 180, but as I said before I have periods where I break down and just cry in his arms. One of those was last night. Right now my husband's stance is that he feels that if we ever have a chance at being happy together then we need to separate so that I can "grow up." He feels that I need to learn to be responsible for my own happiness and to keep a job knowing that I don't have him to fall back on if things don't work out. 

My biggest, most pressing issue right now is where to live. About 2 years ago we moved from a major city to the suburbs to be closer to my step-daughter. My husband said he will let me decide if I want to stay here or find a new place for me and our two large dogs. He has proposed to pay me $4,000 a month for 10 years. The cost of our mortgage, plus insurance and taxes is $3,400 a month. Utilities are high, it costs about 300 to 400 a month just to either cool or heat the house. There is also quite a bit of upkeep involved and I'd have to take care of mowing the lawn etc. If something major comes up I'd be screwed, I have no savings other than about 13K in a 401K from when I used to work. And then the things I see as one of the biggest pros of staying are that it would force him to feel the effects of his actions rather than just sitting back and watching me as I moved out. He would have to find a place, pack, move etc. It would be him physically leaving, his choice and his doing. Also, I love this house it is on the river and is the perfect place to entertain with the river out front a bar and pool table on the lowest floor etc. 
If I moved it would be back to the city. It would be so much easier to meet someone in the city rather than out here and also the employment opportunities would be slightly better in the city. (although in the profession I am in it is very easy to get a contract job and then if they like you they convert you to full time within a few months) Also in the city I have a friend who just moved back who I could possibly go out with and I would be 45 minutes closer to another friend who just got out of a two year relationship and is ready to go out and meet new people with me. Also, since I have a propensity to hermit in my house the city might be better for me in terms of getting out. There is just nothing to do out here in the suburbs. The cons of moving are that I'd be renting and that might be hard with my two dogs since they aren't used to the city and one in particular can be fairy loud. A pro would are that I could get a really nice place for much less than what it would cost to stay in the house. 

So what are everyone's thoughts?

Overall my biggest pros for staying in the house are that it makes my husband feel the repercussions of his actions more, the house is beautiful and I would get to keep my garden which gives me so much joy. Also it would be easier to have my two dogs out here. The cons are that I have no idea how I'd ever meet someone, and I have zero friends out here. Also that it would be financially a stretch to stay in the house.

Pros for the city are that I would have at least 1 friend to go out with and another 45 minutes away who would come into the city to go out at least a few times a month. And there is always stuff going on in the city, I could do something different every day for a year if I wanted, and potentially meet new people that way. Financially living in the city would be much less stressing, I have seen really nice places in the 2,000 to 2,700 range with all utilities included and I wouldn't have to pay for upkeep and maintenance to the place. It could be tricky to find a place that will rent to me because of my dogs, but I've seen some places listed that are very near beaches and large dog parks that I know they would love. Also, it would be a new start. Moving and all that it involves would be a distraction from the separation.

Please weigh in! My husband says that if I choose to stay that he is going to move out by November 1st. He already found a place that he likes on-line. He said if I chose to leave that he would want me to leave by the 1st as well. As of now I have told him I want to stay thinking that I might be able to stall him since he works such long hours and it would be hard for him to go apartment hunting, but as mentioned above that did not seem to work!

Thank you!!!


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

242PM said:


> He has proposed to pay me $4,000 a month for 10 years.


You've only been married for 4 years. 

Why would he be willing to do this?

I don't get it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Pls write with more paragraphs.

How old are you? 

What is your profession?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## 242PM (Oct 3, 2013)

Threestrikes - He is willing to pay me that amount because he that is the amount he figured out that he could pay me and still meet his financial obligations. Also he feels very guilty for leaving me and I suspect that is motivating him to be as generous as he can be. He doesn't come from money or anything like that, he actually grew up very poor, professionally he has just always been extremely successful and has the job that someone 10 years older than him in his profession would typically have.

I am 35 and my husband is 6 months younger than me. My profession that last 2 years has been stay at home housewife. We had been trying to have children since the day we were married and were trying the natural way the last 4 years and were going to start fertility treatments this coming month. Because he has such a high stress job he comes home exhausted during the week and when I worked I was the same way. Therefor we spent our weekends cleaning and running errands for the coming week. Since I used to make about 1/5 what he did we decided that it would provide a better quality of life for both of us if I took care of everything house related while he was solely responsible for making money. Our house takes a long time to clean and he is very OCD about it. Basically his standard of cleanliness is that the house has to look like we are selling it and are about to have a showing. Just keeping up with the housework would be a full-time job, but then on top of that I did all the other housewife stuff like cooking, laundry, errands etc. 
My profession prior to the last 2 years was in Human Resources. I hated it but it was all I had professional experience in so I continued in that profession. That is what I will go back to when I go back to work because I really have no clue what else I could do that I could support myself on.

OK, so now that I answered your questions what are your opinions about if I should stay in the house or move to the city?

Another aspect to that, is that we currently own a condo in the city that is rented (tried for three years to sell it but we owed about 40K more on it than we would have been able to sell it for so we ended up having to rent it out if we wanted to move out to the suburbs). Our tenants lease is up in May so I could move back in there and it is actually quite large for a condo and would provide as much space as a mid sized house would, so it would work fine with the dogs. Because the lease is not up until May I'm not sure where I would go between Nov 1 and then because my husband insists that we need to live apart by then.

Thank you!


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