# How do you see yourself?



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Where is your self esteem? Are you positive and have a good outlook on life or do you hate life and think that everyone who has a smile on their face should all just go to hell? For me, I have good qualities. I am a smart woman. I have an associates in law degree, I graduated top of my class with honors, I'm currently in school working on my BA in criminal justice, I have a job that I really like, I have great friends and wonderful family. Still, I do not see myself as being worthy of anything. I don't see how any one could love me. Growing up, my mother never showed me love. She did nothing but criticize me. She never hesitated to let me know that I was doing something wrong. Then I got married young, just 20 years old. I had 2 babies by the time I was 20 years old. I could not make my mother happy, so I worked to make my husband happy but all he did was lie and cheat on me. I could not make him happy either. I was not good enough for him. The past few days have been a struggle for me. I've been breaking out in tears and just sobbing for a few minutes before regaining my composure. I dont miss my H, I am better without him but the pain he has caused, still affects me. And my old BF, I was talking to, well I aint spoke to him in a week now. I tried to call him but no answer. I left a message but never heard back. So now I feel double-rejected. So, I do have qualities about myself that are good and I see those about myself but I dont know why I cant ever be good enough for anyone else. How do you see yourself?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

It's called Enmeshment. You place your value on how other people value you. Say things like "I would be nothing without him", or "I would die without his love".

and, when your not in that "Next" relationship, you feel worthless and aweful, because no one is giving you the love that makes you feel important and worthwhile.

This is soooo easy to drop. You need to realize your self worth. Do you have friends to be social with? Things that you do that make you, well, you? Hanging out with friends that are just yours gives you a sense of self worth. Also, think about all that you accomplished in your life, and realized that this was YOU! YOU made this happen. Plus, a MAN doesn't make you. You make you! Remember that!

I was enmeshed. Part of my dysfunctional upbringing. Always trying to gather an I LOVE YOU out of my parents, at those moments when they didn't run after us with a belt. And when I did get one from them, it felt SOOOO AWESOME! Made me feel something special! Unfortunately, I took this into my adult life, thinking this is how love worked. Pretty fkd up!


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You are so near your D-Day and the divorce, I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. Infidelity is very difficult and it's normal for you to feel how you do. It's really quite brutal on the ego and part of your soul searching is the process to getting healthy. As Alphasomega said, enmeshment is pretty common in marriage. The benefit, if you want to call it that, of this happening is that you are forced to learn more about yourself, your demons and the things you do that don't serve your life.

Just be gentle with yourself. You have an opportunity to create a new life for yourself but you'll need to just be kind to yourself for a while until you've processed everything.

Time.


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## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

Right now I have more of a self esteem issue about my body than anything else. When I met my H I was in high school and at my best was a size 10 but I was fit and the captain of my cheerleading squad. We ended up getting pregnant the month I graduate high school and that was the reason my H joined the military so we married young as well at 20. We now have 2 kids. 

So now that I'm 28 and getting divorced not what I'm wanting but know it's the best, I feel like who is going to want me? I'm not this size 10 fit person I used to be. I have lots of stretch marks and a flabby stomach from being pregnant that no matter how much weght I may lose it will never go away! But of course my H will never have that issue when it comes to finding a new girlfriend because his body has only changed for the better! 

I have a lot of anxiety over that which I never did before because he saw me before I had kids and always thought I was beautiful. So I'm worried I won't find that again. And another issue that I am not even trying to think about now but for the very far future is being intimate with someone again because I have only ever been with my H so that makes me nervous to.

A few months ago I would have never thought I would be having to go through these emotions right now.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hey Apple
I barely know you, but I can tell you from here you look like a pretty valuable person!
Your tenacity in the face of adversity inspired me to bust though this devastating experience to the other side.
Your generosity is amazing.

You deserve and will get far more love that your Ex H ever gave you. 
You will come through this Apple. 
You will have the love you deserve. You deserve it.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

ing said:


> Hey Apple
> I barely know you, but I can tell you from here you look like a pretty valuable person!
> Your tenacity in the face of adversity inspired me to bust though this devastating experience to the other side.
> Your generosity is amazing.
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I am worthless.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)




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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

It's a vicious cycle. Some days you feel great, others you feel it's the end of the world. That's normal.

Right now, I feel like my life is "over". This recession and economy have hit me hard and I lost a lot. I keep asking why did this have to happen during my working career? Why me? In my 40's and feel like I have to start over more or less. Marriage fell apart, divorcing, health issues starting to creep into my life, etc., etc. So there's a part of me that says why bother. Just work 8-4 every day and get your paycheck and be content. But that's not me. I'm having a difficult time getting my motivation back but it's coming. Slowly. I have a lot to live for. I still have a great job, two beautiful girls, a great family, my parents are still healthy and close by, I live at the beach....

I think one very big key is exercise of any kind. It just makes you feel better, period. Just walking 30 minutes a day. Anything.

Good luck.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

6 months out from D-Day.

Self Esteem was totally crushed on D-Day. Felt like I was worthless because my wife chose to be with another man. Looked at him as all that my wife wanted, and me as not enough to keep her interest.

This is all kinds of F'ed up also because I had just lost 85lbs. I completed the weight loss about 1 month pre D-Day (went from 255 to 170). 

2 things happened. 1st I started going to the gym and putting on tons of muscle. This new healthy weight + tons of muscle has me looking better than I ever have in my entire life. I love who I see physically in the mirror. My wife, who I am reconciling with seems to love the new me also. Sex life is about 20x what it used to be.

2nd, I finally realized that it did not matter what the OM looked like physically. She started the EA having not even seeing him. It was chatting only. She was able to do the PA stuff because he was in good shape and not ugly. He is nothing special. It was mostly the fog and the EA that got her there. 

I'm using the physical self esteem issues that I had (still have a little) as positive motivation. I will keep working out until he looks like a little girl compared to me. 

Mentally, I am trying to be the best husband that I can be. I have taken a hard look at myself and I am changing all of the things that played their part in her infidelity. You know what I mean. We all had our part in what happened. Those are things that we have the opportunity to fix if reconciling.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Self esteem, the feeling of being worthless are still big issues for me even after the divorce. I just can't seem to get over the pain. The days are still rollercoaster. The pain still seems to have the same intesity like on D day which was March 2010. When people ask me how I am doing I really don't know what to tell them. Do I pretend I am fine and act all confident or do I tell them the truth?

If you had known me before this, I was this exhuberant, cheerful, full of confidence person who cared about every one else in the world. Right now I can't even recognize myself.

I try to push myself to do fun things(as much as time you have with a 2 year old) but I don't seem to find any enjoyment in any of that. It seems like the things I enjoyed before(and while with my ex Husband) now are more like triggers that bring me down even more. My ex H and I enjoyed and liked many things together. 

But let's hope for some better days ahead even though hope seems like something so far away from my life.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I have no self esteem... absolutely none.. zero.

My parents never used the L word growing up. I remember when I was 12 my mom brought him Dexatrim diet pills and told me I should start taking them, because "no one likes a fat a$$". And I wasn't really a fat kid, chubby maybe. But at the age of 12 I was just doing what kids normally do at that age, developing.

My step dad did nothing but yell and scream at my brother and I, while he drank beer and fell asleep watching NASCAR or football.. or whatever. Thats when he was home. He travelled a lot for work, so he was basically non existant in my childhood. My real dad gave up all rights to me when I was 6 months old. Didn't want anything to do with me at all. Ouch.

Then I got married at 19. Things were ok for a little while. But when you marry a porn addict who does really demeaning things to you, or cheats at will. That can do damaging things to your self esteem as well. Now I'm suffering with being a horrible mom, because I stuck in a marriage trying to help him through everything, while letting my kids be exposed to his "issues". 

So yeah basically.. I'm unworthy of love, from parents, spouse and otherwise. I'm not good enough for anyone. I feel hideously ugly. I've been told I'm beautiful, or goodlooking, by others, but the bad stuff is easier to believe.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> I have no self esteem... absolutely none.. zero.
> 
> My parents never used the L word growing up. I remember when I was 12 my mom brought him Dexatrim diet pills and told me I should start taking them, because "no one likes a fat a$$". And I wasn't really a fat kid, chubby maybe. But at the age of 12 I was just doing what kids normally do at that age, developing.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry, Lily, I know what you mean. This is how I feel. I see things around me that are good, like my health, my children, my animals, etc but when I look at myself, I see something completely worthless. Sometimes I think no wonder my stbxh had to cheat so many times, I was never worth it.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

it-guy said:


> 6 months out from D-Day.
> 
> Self Esteem was totally crushed on D-Day. Felt like I was worthless because my wife chose to be with another man. Looked at him as all that my wife wanted, and me as not enough to keep her interest.
> 
> ...


I walk an hour a day on my treadmill at home. I crank up the stereo and I walk. By the time the hour is up, I am a sweaty, gross, smelly mess but I have lost 35 lbs so far and I am feeling better physically.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> Sometimes I think no wonder my stbxh had to cheat so many times, I was never worth it.


It is the other way around. You accidentally attracted a liar and a cheat because you don't know your own worth.

How you view yourself is going to affect what you project outwardly AND affect what you are willing to tolerate. Once you establish your solid self esteem, people will no longer take advantage of you BECAUSE YOU WON'T LET THEM. You can drop kick the losers to the door and move along with a smile waiting for someone worthy of YOU.

Perhaps you can do a little self study, reading or whatever on developing a healthy self image? Or can you afford / have access to counseling? In my opinion, delve into this before you engage in any new relationships.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Oh and by the way, the self esteem that you need to develop is not based solely on accomplishment (job, exercise..) You need to develop the unshakable self esteem of knowing YOU, warts, flaws and all are WORTH the love of another human being. Just by BEING you are worthy.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Its hard to get to that point that you feel you are worthy.. flaws and all. When most people point them out constantly. I've never been comfortable in my own skin, because I've always been made to feel that it wasnt perfect enough. My eyes are too small for my big round head, my calves are too large for my extremely short legs.. i could go on and on lol

So how do you get to the point where you feel worthy and feel comfortable the way you are?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Takes time, unfortunately it took a trainwreck to see me for who I really was, underneath the depression and all the things I didn't know how to deal with, and trying to escape from real life. I see me for who I am now, and I am pretty ****ing amazing. I see a pretty amazing woman in you and apple, don't forget that you are, well everyone here.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

i dont feel very bad about myself, but very sad watching my marriage go down the tubes. im right now paying the mediator/attorney to draw up the official papers, the stbxw and i think we have come up with a good "agreement" to bring this marriage to an end. im still living in the house, but trying to also get approved for a loan for another house. hanging dearly onto the hope of a better place for me emotionally. i am literally watching someone lose themselves mentally, and its not "me".
I am trying to keep control of my own emotions too, but i break down now and again. i am sure once all this is done with i will truly face the despair that i dread right now. 
but you know, kind of like someone said earlier, how they knew something was wrong with their spouse, and yet didnt really expect it to come out as badly, but does. thats where i am too. i am not trying to focus on my esteem right now, thats not really been a big part of my life anyways. 
theres plenty of evidence to trash that all over if i dwell on it anyways, in terms of "success", "looks", and material things, but i am a good man, and know ive taken care of my loved ones, and have worked very hard despite setbacks to provide.
i also know that i do express my love, and cant wait to get the opportunity to do so with someone who would appreciate it.
hopefully sometime in the future.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I totally had the whole "enmeshed" thing going on. When you do that, it shatters you-you lose not only your marriage but yourself. They never teach us anything about healthy relationships in school, and if your parents are "damaged," and a lot of them/us are, we get bad examples to follow. 

Group therapy, indiv therapy , and some good books have made a world of difference for me in 6 mos. My situation is still pretty crappy, but my perspective and ability to deal with it effectively are much better. Find a professional who can help you see yourself differently--realistically. It's much better than a shopping spree or a pedicure.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I feel GREAT! All of us BS's should stop the self-loathing(I know, easier said than done) and pick our asses up from the rubble.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I feel like I've aged 100 years since D-day ...


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> I feel GREAT! All of us BS's should stop the self-loathing(I know, easier said than done) and pick our asses up from the rubble.


:iagree:

Only person it hurts is you. I am feeling good. Have a girlfriend who likes me and seeing a whole new part of life.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

New meds. Feel like the old days running my car on aviation fuel.


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