# Will the pain ever go away?



## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

My W and I were married for 15 year and have 3 kids, oldest and youngest are boys a girl in the middle. It's been almost 3 months since she dropped the bomb on me. It was after a minor arguement she asked me to call back I didn't for a couple of days then she told me it was over. She wanted the 6 mth separation then D. I was obviously devastated and had trouble sleeping and eating for the first few weeks. I've lost about 25 lbs (I guess there's one upside to this disaster). At times I thought they may be a glimmer of hope but that came crashing down last night. 

We had a good conversation the day before and I really thought all my efforts to save the marriage were finally paying off then I asked her the next day (big mistake) if she would give me 3 mths to show I am changed and care very much for her. Then she said that she was just trying to be "nice" when not discussing her decision to D. She also keeps telling me that she doesn't want to "hurt me." Really? I already feel my heart has endured a thousand cuts and is on life support. 

From the beginning we have not lived in the same house. I slept there a couple of nights which was hard. I should have seen it coming when she first moved to another state where she first told me she wanted to get her RE license and then told me she found work there as a rental agent. She was already making moves to get away from me. She did ask me to telecommute back then so there was hope. I was just too blind to realize she was already considering D. 

Back to last night...so I tell her that Im already hurting and so she tells me this is the way she has been feeling for 15 years of our marriage. She blames me for everything. I'll admit I was not perfect and that hurt her bad emotionaly but she brought issues with her from having a neglectful mom. We had a lot of diagreements about parenting, things she said to me but I did not think it was that bad. I was always faithful just lacking in the compassion dept as times. I know what brought her to this decision but there could have been several ways it could have played out. She could have agreed to counseling at least for the sake of our 3 children. Or agreed that separation was to reassess our marriage and see if we could save it. 

She has told me a couple of times that she made the decision final when I asked her whereabouts because at times she was traveling back to our home state to see "friends" I have suspected that she was having an EA. This all happened a couple days after New Years. That's when she started crying and told me she had to get the divorce. Since then though at times she would just say she was confused and she needed space. About 3 weeks ago (sorry jumping everywhere with this story) I confronted her about a facebook message (didn't tell her how I knew) where she said she met someone (He is 16 older than her wt?) who changed her way of thinking and has 3 boys (his first marriage didn't work) and considers fatherhood a privilege. What kind of garbage is that? Anyway I digress. So she told me we are just friends that right now she is just confused. The next night she pestered me all night until she started crying (my weakness) so I told her I came across it on her laptop she had left facebook open. She didn't think I wouldn't check? After that she has totally closed up completely. She always hides her phone which is on her parents account. So God knows who she's talking to. I still don't know whether to believe her about anything she says. I definitely have been honest with her throught this process but she is definitley not been with me. She is fine with that (ouch!) 

I feel like a doormat right now. Not intentional at all. I was trying to show here that I love her very much and her heart is safe with me. I've been trying to do that but last night was a real eye opener and hurt me very much. I know they say not to initiate conversation about the relationship status but how do I know how to act with her if I don't know where she it at. If she has move on with OM then I need to move on i.e. separate bank accounts, getting D papers, making arrangements about the kids etc. So now I am once again very hurt after having my hopes up earlier yesterday. I feel like I need to move on but I can't. How does one just easily throw away 15 years of marriage with giving it one more effort. At least for the children's sake. That's what hurts me the most. I know we could work on this marriage if she were willing to try but she made it clear last night she's not interested. She just keeps telling me all the things I did wrong that hurt her. I show her change..she says she sees it but is just waiting until separation is over so she can file for D. Ugh!

Somebody please help me here with some positive feedback. Also Valentine's Day is coming up. What do I do If anything about that? 

-Hurt Odyssey


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

I am sorry that you are here. You will find this forum to be very helpful during this time. A lot of us are going through very similar situations as you. Be prepared for a lot of advice that is going to be VERY counter intuitive to what you think you should do.


First thing is to start the The Healing Heart: The 180. This is for you, not her. 

Next, get evidence of the affair. Get a VAR, put it in her car. Check her phone, email, facebook, etc. Once you have enough evidence, expose the affair to everyone. Family, friends, coworkers, etc.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Thanks GutPunch. I have heard of the 180. Some have said it works others have mentioned it did not to save the marriage. But like you say it is for me not her. 

I definitely am being taken on an emotional roller coaster by W. Last night she asked me to go out to dinner with the kids. She mostly did not talk esp about herself. That's her thing now not to share about herself if I ask as if she is violating some rule. Then she shows me a photo on her phone supposedly of (who I suspect is OM) OM's girlfriend. She asked me on the way home if I felt better knowing that. I told her yeah a little. First because my heart is still hurting over S but second I don't know whether to believe her. Even if I take her word for it ..she still told me in no uncertain terms she's done and doesn't know if she can get past emotional pain of our marriage. Even though she said that she also has said other things about being confused but that was a couple of weeks ago so who knows. 


I still don't know what to do about Valentine's. I'm thinking of sending flowers (not roses) with a short message but not stating who they are from. Any ideas what to do or not do here?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> Thanks GutPunch. I have heard of the 180. Some have said it works others have mentioned it did not to save the marriage. But like you say it is for me not her.
> 
> I definitely am being taken on an emotional roller coaster by W. Last night she asked me to go out to dinner with the kids. She mostly did not talk esp about herself. That's her thing now not to share about herself if I ask as if she is violating some rule. Then she shows me a photo on her phone supposedly of (who I suspect is OM) OM's girlfriend. She asked me on the way home if I felt better knowing that. I told her yeah a little. First because my heart is still hurting over S but second I don't know whether to believe her. Even if I take her word for it ..she still told me in no uncertain terms she's done and doesn't know if she can get past emotional pain of our marriage. Even though she said that she also has said other things about being confused but that was a couple of weeks ago so who knows.
> 
> ...



Showed you a picture of OM's gf. PLease. Read the 180 and live it. Don't let her know you have a care in the world. She needs to think that this is your "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD". She wants out let her go.

Keylog her computer and gather evidence. Placee a VAR under her car seat. Listen to me. I think OM's gf needs to know about EA. You need evidence. 

Flowers? I will jump thru this computer monitor and punch you! She is not your valentine. NO way to nice your way out of this situation. End the relationship talks too. You appear to needy and unattractive. 180 180 180 Cool Calm Dispassionate

You need to be a rock and deal from a position of strength.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Don't discuss OM with her. That legitimizes him. He's not legitimate. I think he's seriously emotionally influencing her. 

Do contact OM's GF. As soon as you can. 

Your head is not on straight right now. You're heartbroken and you think your immense love for your wife will win her back. It won't. All she sees is a needy, clingy man. It sucks but that's the truth. 

You need to 180. Pronto! Follow it first if you think it will help save your marriage. Whatever it takes but start following it. Strictly. 

Flowers on V-Day? No way. You may as well send her a mat to put in front of her door that has a picture of a broken heart on it.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Yes the pain will decrease and eventually resolve-you can't let her be in charge of your happiness and validation of your life. Do the 180 and work on your codependency issues(most of us here have them or we wouldn't be here). Learn to love yourself and fix your weaknesses. You can not depend on someone else on the outside to make you happy-you are in charge of your happiness. Prayers for you on your journey of self repair to pain free happy days-they are coming.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

You are so right Gut Punch! My head is so clouded right now. She sends me a lot of mixed signals. I read somewhere that WAW see you as their #2 option right now if their single life does not work out. I mean shouldn't I show some concern in hopes of reconciliation? I'm fine with ditching the flowers but there's got to be some effort if there is any chance at reconciliation. I know it takes TWO to make it work. I am hoping my efforts will show her. 

This morning she sent me a text thanking me when I drove around the house her and our kids are staying at to check out a loud blast/noise outside last night. She had called me about it last night. She asked if I heard it. I heard it to but turned out to be nothing (or firework who knows). I am staying at my inlaws vacation home (ugh) when visiting our kids since my job is in home state she moved from last summer to get a career after being an at home wife. Now I think it was to get away from me. 

So am I misinterpreting her text messages to me? Inviting me to dinner? Is that to displace guilt about what she is doing is wrong? Who knows. I think she feels some guilt about the separation and plan to D. 

You are all right about her treating me when she sees me like I'm a loser in her book. She also keeps her coat on and hides her phone checking it constantly for messages and facebook. Maybe one day she'll see that grass is not so greener on the other side. 

Like you say I need to begin focusing on me and not basing my happiness on her. I just got to get there. Its just so hard when you spent 15 years of your life with this person. 


Married 15 years

Ages 

Me: 35
W: 33
S: 13
D: 9
S: 6


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Hurt, I'm a little confused by your OP. Are you saying that you and your wife have never lived in the same house your entire marriage? Did I read it correctly that you two were living in a long distance marriage for the majority of it? Looking at your post, it appears that you two lived separately from the start and that she moved out of state much more recently? 



> *From the beginning we have not lived in the same house.* I slept there a couple of nights which was hard. *I should have seen it coming when she first moved to another state where she first told me she wanted to get her RE license and then told me she found work there as a rental agent.* She was already making moves to get away from me. *She did ask me to telecommute back then so there was hope.* I was just too blind to realize she was already considering D.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> You are so right Gut Punch! My head is so clouded right now.
> 
> That's why you don't make any decisions right now. You need to wait to decide on reconciliation or not. You may get stronger and not want her back in a couple months. Who knows?
> 
> ...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sounds like her signals are very consistent.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Plan to clarify about my wife's situation. She elected to take her RE exam last summer in another state. She told me she was going to pass there and at home state. She passed her exam got a job offer and never looked back. She now tells me that she was trying to get away cause I was stressing her out. Wow..She could have told me that before so we could work on the relationship. 

Thank you everyone for helping me through this very difficult time. This past week she has stopped contacting me. I am the only one initiating contact at this time. I asked her if there was something wrong that I did but she said no. I don't believe it of course. The only thing I can think of is I took a phone call from my brother when I was with her, left the room. She asked I eventually told her it was my brother. I've asked her if it was a big deal she says no. But ever since then again no contact. This morning she did not even take my phone call. 

So I got to find a way to cope without her. It is soooo hard right now. I'm so busy I don't have time to go out and hang out with friends. So I'm dealing mostly on my own. It is sooo difficult. I do talk with a couple good friends about what to do but I feel like I'm bugging them too much with bad news and asking advice. They say they don't mind so they are really good friends definitely. 

So what do I do now since she's made it very clear she does not want to communicate in any way.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> Thank you everyone for helping me through this very difficult time.
> So what do I do now since she's made it very clear she does not want to communicate in any way.


You move on. You do not communicate with her unless it is about the kids.

The 180 is not save your marriage. The 180 is to prepare you so that no matter ht happens with your marriage or after your marriage that you will be strong, confident and have a direction with your life.

With your wife and kids out if state I would withdraw half your $$$ and put them n your own account. You should meet with an attorney to know your rights and how bet to proceed so your interests as well as your children's interests are ensured.

Get moving.

Your wife has been planning this for awhile.

HM64


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

hurt odyssey_dk hl said:


> plan to clarify about my wife's situation. She elected to take her re exam last summer in another state. She told me she was going to pass there and at home state. She passed her exam got a job offer and never looked back. She now tells me that she was trying to get away cause i was stressing her out. Wow..she could have told me that before so we could work on the relationship.
> 
> Thank you everyone for helping me through this very difficult time. This past week she has stopped contacting me. I am the only one initiating contact at this time. I asked her if there was something wrong that i did but she said no. I don't believe it of course. The only thing i can think of is i took a phone call from my brother when i was with her, left the room. She asked i eventually told her it was my brother. I've asked her if it was a big deal she says no. But ever since then again no contact. This morning she did not even take my phone call.
> 
> ...




stop calling her!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

You need an attorney pronto. Happy is right. You need to protect yourself. PLease read the 180 again as I don't believe you are getting it. No contact except for kids. You cannot let her relocate out of state with your kids. Lawyer up man.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Do you have an update Hurt?


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

I found out a few things yesterday. Long story short I knew W was up to something when she began asking my whereabouts Friday night. She told me the kids were staying at her Aunt and Uncle's so they could travel with them to a family celebration of her Uncle's dead mom birthday celebration they do each year. She states she has to work (hmm sounds fishy right?) So I drive down in my parents car for a little PI work yesterday (Saturday) to see if I could finally confirm my suspicions of OM. She calls me again on Saturday to confirm if I would be coming down Sunday morning as agreed. Of course...little does she know I'm a block away. So later that afternoon what stinks is I lost site of her when trying to back off. So even though I don't have solid evidence. I have a mountain of circumstancial evidence. First asking me my whereabouts, why? Keep in mind we live in two different states. From time to time though I telecommute to help with getting kids off the bus, cooking etc. So this morning I ask my son about why W could not make the family function. He says that she told everyone (including A and Uncle) that she had to work. Bold face lie! I know for a fact because that's where I lost her. She was there, I drove off for about an hour, came back gone. Just to make sure she had not gone back to the home I AM paying for I was there early in the morning. So it could only mean one thing OM/PA. 

So as if my heart is not hurting and churning from all this drama. This morning I found on her facebook (already logged in... so sloppy) She went to court to file her divorce papers on Friday. What! We still have 3 months of separation! You couldn't wait? Here is what I'm thinking...This was to clear her conscious about spending the night with OM on Saturday. Plus I'm sure he encouraged her. Unbelievable. We have not have one arguement during the first 3 months (something she has complained about to her fb friends) I've done nothing but help and serve W and family as much as possible. Cooking meals, fixing things around the house, traveling to other state when kids were sick, letting her drive my car (said her leg hurt w stick on her CRV), cleaning the house, washing dishes. Did her OM do any of this? Nope absolutely not! This is what I get for being nice trying to show her I changed for good. OM is divorced with 3 boys and I'm pretty sure he had an EA with a married women. But feels special being number umm 20? Who knows? Really? 

I'm so hurt, disgusted and angry. I asked at the beginning of the separation for her to give us time. Did she even bother to listen? Nope She really believes the grass is greener on the other side. So I am doing the 180 beginning today. I'm not sure if I will get served with D papers since there is a mandatory 6 month separation. I just need to start preparing and protecting myself as much as possible. I really want full custody of the kids. I just don't know how to go about building my case. I'm sure confirming the affair would be helpful. I need to get the GPS tracker installed. Does infidelity during separation help my case for full custody? Unfortunately, I don't believe or have any real evidence prior to our separation. Also I have a few other irresponsible things she has done I could include but I just need advise at this point on how to build my case. I got 3 MONTHS to build a strong case for custody. 

I'm also still dealing with the emotional costs W ending a 15 year relationship, having OM in about a month. UGH! I'm so sick. What betrayal. I may have been emotionaly hurtful at times, I'll admit I'm not the perfect man but we had good times too. Those don't count in her book. Plus she is not completely innocent. It's not like we did not fight over nothing. I just don't see how breaking up our family is good for the kids. Study and study has shown it is NOT good for children despite all the BS her GFs are telling her. How could she such a cold hearted uncaring thing? 

Oh well I just need to start preparing my case and seek counsel quick!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Infidelity probably will not affect custody. You do need to Lawyer up pronto. Sorry, she is in the fog. All that nice sh!t you did, convinced her she needed a real man. Ironic isn't it. 

180 is a must. Protect yourself and detach. Find out who this guy is and expose.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Expose big time.

What you should have done is called her from her parking lot since you knew she was gone from work.

When she lied to you then you call her out on it.

Then you should have stayed at your home to verify she did not come back.

Go to your attorneys this week.

You know she is lying to you.

So finish this.

I know it hurts but you can not work with a liar and a cheat.

Your wife already thinks she is divorced. And I highly doubt the relationship with this OM will work out.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

I feel for you, Hurt. The only thing that is even coming close to getting me through (together 9 years, he's been gone for almost 4 months) is the thought that actually, I am appalled at the thing he's done, in leaving without explanation - and mentioning a possible EA... I am so appalled that it actually makes it possible for me to see a way forward, without him. I don't want to be with someone who, no matter how deluded or unhappy or "in the fog", would do something like this to the people he supposedly loves. Divorce sucks, and anyone who thinks otherwise has their head in the sand. The ones leaving have totally lost it and it's not your job to find them. Find yourself. This may be what needs to happen, and you can move on and be a great support to your kids.

Now I just need to take my own advice!


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Expose big time.
> 
> What you should have done is called her from her parking lot since you knew she was gone from work.
> 
> ...


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Happy you are so right on the money with this one. As painful as it is I need to take purposeful steps to protect myself and my children as much as possible. Tomorrow I need to take a day from work to get the ball rolling with opening a separate bank account, talking to an attorney, finding out what else I need to do at this point. W definitely needs the 180 now! To realize this is not going to be a cake walk. She still has it in her head its going to be easy and amicable.

I get sick to my stomach every time I think about her, Saturday night, lying to her own family so they can watch the kids.

Lucy, your advice definitely makes perfect sense. The person I married is dead and gone. Replaced by someone who is dishonest and morally bankrupt. How could I ever except that person back into my life again. Divorce stinks for sure. I am definitely guilty of making S real comfortable for her. I'm not the MAN in her life by her choice. I don't have to continue to finance her interstate trips so she can visit her OM, her shopping sprees, buying expensive gifts for the kids (I think this is to displace guilt). No more! 



Gut yes I need to detach (so hard to do).


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I don't understand, Hurt. How can you be such a jerk as to deny her true happiness? If you really loved her, wouldn't you want her to be happy? How can you expect her to be with the same person for the rest of her life? She needs time to figure things out; she's under a lot of stress.

And other such BS.

You are in a rough place emotionally. Follow the advice given thus far and channel your pain by planning things to your advantage.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Yes, staystrong despite it being so hard to get over I need to forge ahead and start planning. Today I begin pulling the rug from under her.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> Yes, staystrong despite it being so hard to get over I need to forge ahead and start planning. Today I begin pulling the rug from under her.


Good Hurt it's best for you and the kids.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

So I finally opened up a new bank account pulled some of the funds out. She has not texted or called in the last day and a half. So I supposed she is having too much "fun" to know her funds are running low quickly. And to believe I almost did our taxes (I would have the majority of the refund) as joint filing to deposit in the joint account. I'm so glad I did not. 

This upcoming weekend should be interesting. I'm expecting drama from STBX. 

She wants ME to watch our 3 children while she spends time this weekend with her POSOM (I suspect). She asked me to meet her halfway between states so she could drop them off with me. She says it's because her parents will be on their vacation home this weekend so I can't stay there. I don't 100% believe her. 

I responded with "well why don't you stay with them. I'll stay at the house we are renting (the one I HELP to pay the bills). She said she needs her SPACE and PRIVACY. That I go through her things. She wants to dictate if I can stay at our house. The house I help to pay for? REALLY? What planet is she one? 

So it looks like there will be no way to avoid confrontation this go round. I will try to stay as calm as possible and firmly negotiate. No more Mr. Nice Guy! 

Don't I have a right to be in the house spending time with my 3 children?


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## lostLove77 (Jan 25, 2013)

Wow, is that really a question? She's leaving, make her walk.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Yes. Yes you do. Let her dictate nothing. Come and go as you please, just avoid conflict in front of the kids.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

lostLove77 said:


> Wow, is that really a question? She's leaving, make her walk.


Yea you are paying for it she can go to his place tell her straight up.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Find out posOM's identity and expose to his wife and workplace. Also expose your wife at her job.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Hurt

I have to say something. I think your a bit dragging your feet on this. 

I know it hurts. I know I've been where you are. I can tell you I failed because I dragged my feet. My thread is in my sig if you want to see how I failed.

IF you want her back you need to expose this to everyone. You need to have her inundated with calls asking WTF is going on. Basically your shaming her that maybe someone else she might respect will bring her down to reality. 

You take blame for what you did or failed to do in your marriage, but nothing more. My wife went from too much computer to no chemistry. Personally I thought chemistry is something you figure out while your dating and not 19 years later and with 2 kids. 

End result you will be blamed for many odd things. As you already know nothing you did equates to an Affair. Again absolutely nothing equates to an Affair ( short of physical or real mental abuse ).

You need to be very stern.. 

The problem I do see is she is already going for divorce papers, so there really might be nothing you can do at this point. Trust me again it is crushing I know. But there is nothing you might be able to do right now to get her back.

What you should not do though is make it easy for her to go fvck this OM. 

Again I know all of this is hard to do. I know your conflicting between your love for her and the betrayal. Consider her a drug addict and your doing this for her own good. Its the best analogy I can tell you to help you through this. 

End result you need to attack a bit harder and faster then your doing ATM. You need to hit her with a sh1t storm to overload her sense. She needs to be sent reeling to bring her back to reality.

If nothing works you MUST be emotionally prepared to loose her and move on for now. She might wake up in 10 or 12 months down the road once she is completely gone. 

Affairs are like dating at warp speed. Affairs bypass all the normal courtship that us humans do. As an example it took me and my Ex 3 years before we got even engaged. Whereas now after months she is moving in with this OM that she knows nothing about except what he wants to tell her. I know more about his criminal record then she does. 

Because these Affairs are so out of the norm, they tend to burn out fast like a candle burning at both ends. 

BUT again you might have to accept that she might be with this guy for years or even forever. Again I know its a lot of painful ideas you need to stomach. 

What you need to do is try to forget all of that stuff and deal with the immediate issues at hand in front of you. Try to look a bit ahead though. But focus on what you need to do now and how it will affect your future.

Personally what I failed to do during the Affair I was able to recoupe during the divorce stage. So I was able to financially protect myself a bit better. 

Get friends to help you. You need a few friends that can help you think straight. I was fortunate to have about 8 to 10 people looking out for me and helping me make rational decisions.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Great post H2H


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I don't know if I agree with exposing at the workplace unless they work together. Why jeopardize income that may go to your kids?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

staystrong said:


> I don't know if I agree with exposing at the workplace unless they work together. Why jeopardize income that may go to your kids?


Depends on if you want a "comfortable divorce" or a shot at getting her back.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

H2H this is good advice. I really think I'm beyond the point of "winning" her back. We had dated and waited over 2 years to get married. How can STBX develop a real relationship in less than 2 months to the point she is ok with a PA? She knows hardly nothing about this person. We were married for 15 years. I think its highly unlikely it will last. It could last forever who knows. Nothing to me justifies an affair during separation. I don't understand how someone can't wait until at least the divorce is over before beginning another relationship. I got to move on and try as hard as I can to protect myself at this point. The pain is still very great. It has me thinking of doing unreasonable things to escape the pain. Like moving very far away. I know it's the pain talking. 

So what other things besides separate accounts do I need to do? My next step is to let her know through my actions she is not in charge. Respect her space. Not a chance! She can leave the house if she doesn't like it. Take all the stuff she needs to "hide" with her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt,

Think of yourself at hovering at 50,000 feet.

Look down at the sort of things you are currently doing that hurt the most.

And, simply stop doing them.

When she asks, you reply, "I'm no longer ok with that"

You will feel your scattered force returning with each successful interaction.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Depends on if you want a "comfortable divorce" or a shot at getting her back.


You don't think friends and family is sufficient? I dunno, what does her workplace have to do with her affair. What would you tell HR? It doesn't seem her perso business is any of their concern. Now, she could have colleagues that are friends - that's different. I thought the point of exposing was to inform people of influence in WS's life, not necessarily shame them in the public sphere.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

It is called telling her No!

Start doing it.

And if you pay for the house then you own it.

Act like you own it.

Her privacy can leave with her .....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

staystrong said:


> You don't think friends and family is sufficient? I dunno, what does her workplace have to do with her affair. What would you tell HR? It doesn't seem her perso business is any of their concern. Now, she could have colleagues that are friends - that's different. I thought the point of exposing was to inform people of influence in WS's life, not necessarily shame them in the public sphere.


People in the workplace have influence on her, it's fantasy to think they don't.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

I have plans to uncover what she is doing using gps which should arrive shortly. I want to expose her definitely to family and friends. She thinks she is entitled to harming our family this way. Let see what everyone else thinks about her after that. Plus if she thought what she was doing was right, why hide it in the first place? 

I got to get to 50,000 feet. I'm still not there yet.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> H2H this is good advice. I really think I'm beyond the point of "winning" her back. We had dated and waited over 2 years to get married. How can STBX develop a real relationship in less than 2 months to the point she is ok with a PA? She knows hardly nothing about this person. We were married for 15 years. I think its highly unlikely it will last. It could last forever who knows. Nothing to me justifies an affair during separation. I don't understand how someone can't wait until at least the divorce is over before beginning another relationship. I got to move on and try as hard as I can to protect myself at this point. The pain is still very great. It has me thinking of doing unreasonable things to escape the pain. Like moving very far away. I know it's the pain talking.
> 
> So what other things besides separate accounts do I need to do? My next step is to let her know through my actions she is not in charge. Respect her space. Not a chance! She can leave the house if she doesn't like it. Take all the stuff she needs to "hide" with her.


Hurt, your preaching to the choir. 

My wife already has an apartment with this other man. She bought 10k in furniture for this apartment and has cable and an Xbox. She takes my youngest son there and while he plays Xbox she goes in the bedroom and fvcks this man. Then she comes home to my house. We still didn't sign divorce papers. 

You eventually become numb to it all. You don't look at them the same. They eventually become ugly.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hardtohandle said:


> Hurt, your preaching to the choir.
> 
> My wife already has an apartment with this other man. She bought 10k in furniture for this apartment and has cable and an Xbox. She takes my youngest son there and while he plays Xbox she goes in the bedroom and fvcks this man. Then she comes home to my house. We still didn't sign divorce papers.
> 
> You eventually become numb to it all. You don't look at them the same. They eventually become ugly.


How much of this did you pay for?


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Sorry Conrad for delayed post. A lot has happened since my last post. Yes I am paying now for 1/2 the rent. About three weeks ago I opened up a separate account.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

So a lot has happened since my last series of posts. Last Saturday evening after W indicated she was having "women" issues. I asked her if she wanted to watch a movie together or TV since the evening before we watched part of a movie together after we put the kids to bed. She said "no" and that if I wanted to do something with the kids that would be fine. I told her I wanted to talk to her in person (she has the bedroom door locked). She told me she would talk to me in a few minutes (which means could be minutes, could be an hour). I was upset with her so I told her I was going to the other house (I sleep at) to wash clothes and I would be back. So I came back and found out she had could some dinner and had come out of the room. But as soon as she saw me she disappeared back in the room. She said she was not feeling well and referred to the "women" issues she had mentioned on Friday. So I got the kids ready for bed and lingered for a little while longer in the living room. That's when I heard W ask the kids if I left which they thought I had left. That's when W asked my D for her computer back. Little did she know that I had remote access, That night I saw her researching not only yeast infections but also STDs. I kind of suspected there was more to what she was saying. So Sunday morning around 9:40 AM I texted her to ask if the kids were dressed and if I could take the kids to church. She replied in a text "No i'm sorry. I think I may need to go to the er." So I told her I would be over shortly. I'll never forget what happened when I arrived that morning. The first thing I said was " [W's name] what have you gotten yourself into." She finally confessed what I had suspected that last month or so. She told me she had been sleeping with POSOM and she thought she had an STD. She kept saying "I fvcked up" You darn right your did. She broke down crying and saying she wished she could take it all back. She wished she had never asked for separation. 

I don't know why but at that moment I felt somewhat sorry for her. She was always very impulsive not thinking things through which was an issue in our marriage. So here she is with nobody i mean nobody but me to help her. Here is the kicker she first slept with this dirtbag a week after separation. She slept over his house 3 days after S. So Sunday I stayed with her that day because of feeling sorry for her. She was paralyzed by what she pretty sure she had so I did everything for the kids that day. That evening she kept trying to hug me and kept saying sorry. I was of course disgusted but numb because I kind of thought she was having an EA/PA. So that night she kept calling me every time I would go in another room. I felt sorry for her because she had nobody. Plus she is still the mother of my children (plus 15 years of M). So I stayed that night in the same room on the floor. I was really worried because she kept talking about suicide. That she couldn't live with herself. I kept telling her the kids still need her to be their mom. Nobody could replace their mom. That night I went from sleeping in the same room on the floor, then to the couch (because I was disgusted and the floor was uncomfortable). I kept telling her she needed to go to the ER but she refused. She didn't want to face the truth or consequences of what she had done. 

On Monday, I got the kids off to school. When I came back she was on her cell. I don't know how but I knew right away if was POSOM. I was so enraged I ran over and started wrestling with her over the phone. She kept saying I was talking to him to find out what he had. I told her I didn't care, no more contact or I was leaving her to take care of herself or ask him to take care of her. That is when she told me he broke it off with her back in February. She said "he doesn't want me." No really? After he got what he wanted what did you think was going to happen. How naive can you be? I was so angry I told her she better never contact him again or I was not going to help her at all. Still pisses me off. 

So yesterday, I finally talked her into going to the ER. Some may say I am an idiot for even considering helping her but I should mention that she was constantly crying uncontrollably. She really has nobody right now she would tell. At the hospital I felt like the attending hospital staff was looking at me funny. W told me that one of the nurses said "he a really good husband to do this for you" I did get a little satisfaction out of that...her knowing to threw away a good thing she had thinking the grass was greener on the other side. So later that evening after taking care of the kids I drove back to the ER to pick W up. What do you know as I am walking up to her she is on the phone again with POSOM again! I was ready to let her have it. However she told me the nurse made her call him. I guess by law they need to talk to the people they slept with even if THEY gave it to you. Yuck, barf! I told her that better be the last time she contacts him. I told her I want to check her phone, email everything whenever I want to at any time. I am not going to help get her through this if she has any more contact with POSOM. She has said she would be willing to let me check her phone, email etc.

So here I am today, W (should I start saying stbx) has gone to work. I am concerned because she has stopped eating much since Saturday. I think she has had maybe 500 calories in the past 3 days. She is 5' 1/2 inch and now weighs 114 lbs. She said she has no appetite. She told me her BP was really low at the hospital. Not sure if she is going to make it through today. She has mentioned turning to God. She still cries but not as much and we have talked about what happened because for the last 4 months I have been clearly in the dark. I was just curious about what was happening during that time. This morning she did mention she got nothing out of it. There some satisfaction in some strange way knowing I was much better than that. I don't know my sex rating but it's up there. 

So for now I am signing off but will be checking more frequently for now. Thank you all for your support and help in getting me through. I am feeling much stronger and confident in loving myself. I still have my moments. 

Hey GutPunch how are things going? I have continued to follow your thread. It seems that both our Ws have hit rock bottom.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> Sorry Conrad for delayed post. A lot has happened since my last post. Yes I am paying now for 1/2 the rent. About three weeks ago I opened up a separate account.


You'd feel better if it was zero.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt,

These calls to posOM are problematic - and predictable.

You need her to sign the written no-contact letter and send it to the sleazy SOB.

Then you need to expose him.

Do you want her back?


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Hey Conrad,
That is such a tough question to answer right now. Part of me wishes to go back in time. I am just dealing with day by day. I just want my family back to the way it was...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> Hey Conrad,
> That is such a tough question to answer right now. Part of me wishes to go back in time. I am just dealing with day by day. I just want my family back to the way it was...


What was it like with you two between the sheets?


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

We were perfect for each other in that regard. That was the one part of our marriage that was actually great. It was also very frequent at least 3 to 4x a week. She told me the other day she got nothing out of the OM. No satisfaction. She says she doesn't even know why she kept on with it even. 

She mentioned she thought I wouldn't take her back if she admitted what she had done. I mostly feel sorry for her right now. She was never really able to make good judgement calls in her life. Despite everything I still see her as the mother of my children.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> We were perfect for each other in that regard. That was the one part of our marriage that was actually great. It was also very frequent at least 3 to 4x a week. She told me the other day she got nothing out of the OM. No satisfaction. She says she doesn't even know why she kept on with it even.
> 
> She mentioned she thought I wouldn't take her back if she admitted what she had done. I mostly feel sorry for her right now. She was never really able to make good judgement calls in her life. Despite everything I still see her as the mother of my children.


This likely means you could build something new, if that's what you want.

It could actually be better than what you had previously.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> Hey Conrad,
> That is such a tough question to answer right now. Part of me wishes to go back in time. I am just dealing with day by day. I just want my family back to the way it was...


Never ever wish for the way it was.

You can do better and deserve better.

Just remember it takes two........


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

NC letter is a must.

I would take a big step back and start watching from above.

Let me tell you crying is an emotional response. Don't buy into it.

Watch her. Don't let her rugsweep this. Restraint is your friend. 

Be a rock.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Yes, it does take two.

She has told me that POSOM broke things off with her in February after she started asking too many questions about his past. So I'm not concerned about this piece of garbage contacting her. She has also let me check her phone any time I want, I don't even have to ask. 

She does cry constantly every day. She has tried to make excuses and make it an issue of circumstances (wrong place at the wrong time type of thing) but I nail her to the wall each time. She chose to go over to POSOM's house. Nobody forced her to go there.

Like you say GP she can't rugsweep this one. I have made it clear to her that right now I can't get past what she has done. 

I must say though I have taken pity on her knowing what she has been through in her life time. She has faced rejection since her childhood from her mother. There are a few other things that happened to her also. 

Regardless, she is still the mother of my children. She has told me that if it were not for me helping her now she would have ended her life for sure. 

I am the only one she has right now in her life. I am her rock.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you visited the Coping with Infidelity forum?


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Thanks Conrad, I have not visited the infidelity forum. I will check it out. The only thing keeping me right now is my concern for my children's future.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> Thanks Conrad, I have not visited the infidelity forum. I will check it out. The only thing keeping me right now is my concern for my children's future.


The reason I ask is because the good folks there have fleshed out an entire program to re-build trust for a wayward spouse.

I'd take a look at it. Cherry-pick the things you would absolutely need her to do... and then present it to her.

Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Any sort of defensiveness or pushback?

We all know what that means.

Tears are cheap - actions speak volumes.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I am so sorry you are going through this! You made two statements that really hit me. One was that you are her Rock and the other was that she would have ended her life with out you.

My STBXH said both those things to me quite a few times. One time when I left him and moved to a different state i had to come back because he was going to hang himself. And it wasn’t over me... sure, he was upset I had left, but mostly it was that the OW wouldn’t take him back. I was his ROCK he needed me... until the next affair. And then the next affair, and then the next affair. I am not saying that to discourage you. But it sounds like you have fallen into the care-giver/enabler mold. Don’t.......!!! You can’t be her Rock!!! She needs to develop that so she stops searching for something more outside of you, outside of her and outside of her family.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

DRC,

With all due respect, I think this is where the male/female dynamic makes for a different outcome.

He actually can be her touchstone and her rock.

But, she needs to trust him.

So, he must be emotionally centered. And, he must lead.

It's much more difficult for a woman in similar circumstances.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Do I appreciate you sharing this part of your life. I have mentioned as to her. How the heck can I trust that she won't have another PA. I am here for her right now because I feel sorry for her and the future my children would have to face. She has barely eaten anything the last 4 days (maybe 500 calories total). 

Part of me is angry, disgusted at what she has done to me, to this family. You are right I should show no mercy. She deserves everything she is experiencing right now. She made choices she is going to have to live with for the rest of her life. 

If we did not have 3 children in this marriage, I definitely would have left her to her own destruction. May sound harsh but they are the main reason right now that's keeping me going. I look at them and my heart breaks for what they will have to go through.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Conrad do you know specifically where I can find the guidelines to coping with infidelity? Thank you for your support and help.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> We were perfect for each other in that regard. That was the one part of our marriage that was actually great. It was also very frequent at least 3 to 4x a week. *She told me the other day she got nothing out of the OM. No satisfaction. She says she doesn't even know why she kept on with it even. *
> 
> She mentioned she thought I wouldn't take her back if she admitted what she had done. I mostly feel sorry for her right now. She was never really able to make good judgement calls in her life. Despite everything I still see her as the mother of my children.


You may want to verify that. I would say that it's part of a script for the WS when they realize the mistake the made with the affair. Who knows if this is a factual statement. I'd be skeptical, but it's up to you if you want to believe this or not. Just don't fall for it without giving it some thought.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> Conrad do you know specifically where I can find the guidelines to coping with infidelity? Thank you for your support and help.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

This is a good start.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> Do I appreciate you sharing this part of your life. I have mentioned as to her. How the heck can I trust that she won't have another PA. I am here for her right now because I feel sorry for her and the future my children would have to face. She has barely eaten anything the last 4 days (maybe 500 calories total).
> 
> Part of me is angry, disgusted at what she has done to me, to this family. You are right I should show no mercy. She deserves everything she is experiencing right now. She made choices she is going to have to live with for the rest of her life.
> 
> If we did not have 3 children in this marriage, I definitely would have left her to her own destruction. May sound harsh but they are the main reason right now that's keeping me going. I look at them and my heart breaks for what they will have to go through.


Well you certainly have a tuff road ahead of you, stay strong! I hope for your sake and for your children’s that you guys make it. I think Reconciliation should always be the goal if it’s possible but be very careful and take your time.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Hello I'm hoping someone can give me advice. WS has put my back against the wall this time. Over the last couple of weeks she has gone back and forth about working things out. Never any real commitment. Most times stating she has too many issues to work through. Most of the time I feel like I'm trying to convince her. Ugh...not to mention she had an PA during separation. I still think she is in the fog. 

So today she has my back against the wall. Her text is as follows Mrs. HODKH "Will need help with deposit and first month for new place. Will have to give $$$ to sign lease and another $$$ when I get the keys on June 1st." 

Another text "My dad is asking what ur goin (sic) to be able to help with."

We have a joint account that I have been putting some money into from time to time. What I want to know is what the heck is she spending her money on? Also, She has made it clear she does not want my name on the lease. I didn't even have a say so in picking out the place. Now she wants my money to help her with the security deposit. We have 3 children together so I'm torn. 

I appreciate any advice my friends at TAM can give me. 

Thanks


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

"I'm not ok with contributing financially until we have a detailed spending plan."


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Thx Conrad. I'm not either since I did not have any say so as to where my children will be staying. I did not pick out the place. Her name is on the lease not mine. I'm just not sure exactly how to address this with her. I have no clue what she is spending her money on since she has opened a separate checking account. So now she needs my help.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

HO

I reread the beginning of your thread. In February I said to withdraw half of your money and put it into your own account.

To this day you still have a joint account with your STBXW and she as her own account.

So you asked when does this Crap end?

When you put your foot down.

Use Conrad's post. Reply just like that.

Then go see an attorney and get counsel on your divorce if your wife hasn't already filed.

Because that will be her next step.

Take control HO.

HM64


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> Thx Conrad. I'm not either since I did not have any say so as to where my children will be staying. I did not pick out the place. Her name is on the lease not mine. I'm just not sure exactly how to address this with her. I have no clue what she is spending her money on since she has opened a separate checking account. So now she needs my help.


I'm not ok with contributing financially until we have a detailed spending plan.

AND MAKE IT STICK


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Thank you HM64 and Conrad. Yes I have set up my own account as of the beg of April. Although I did have our tax refund put in the joint account. Luckily this morning I was able to get most of it out of the account this morning. Last year my wife just got a job at the end of the summer so her refund amount to about $400. I made sure to leave that and a couple hundred more in the account.

You wouldn't believe the phone conversation we had yesterday. She told me she needed help with dep and 1st month rent on a townhouse SHE picked out and that I was not welcome to stay there overnight ever. Let me see if I get this straight, I am not welcome however she wants me to pay for getting her moved into this place she picked out and along with our children. Hmm...I wonder if I did that would she help me financially. I have seen the lease and it states only 4 are to occupy the place. Can you hear the nail going into the coffin? When we talked yesterday evening she said she had not fully dismissed reconciling our marriage. Huh? 
I went to the PO to pick up the D papers this morning that I was avoiding picking up. Now I see the lease is specifically designates 4 only (WS and our 3 children). I'm sure her dad had a hand in this though since he is co-signing. He is dead set on getting the D to go through. He's still married what a shame to give your daughter such lousy advice. How about "no you should work on your marriage"? I just got to get rid of that nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. How does someone flush a 15 yr M with 3 children down the drain so easily? She can discuss that she is considering reconciling but if there is no action, no effort on her part what am I to believe but what I see her doing. I just need strength to carry on right now.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

HO

I am one of the biggest reconciliation guys you can find on TAM.

But the 1st nail in the coffin when burying the marriage is when she moves out period.

Your wife mentioned R last night because she is a coward and does not want to tell you the truth.

So you are right. Your gut is telling you that you are right.

Her Dad is no ally in your marriage.

I think you need to act. I think you need to stand your ground.

And I think your wife needs a fresh dose of reality sent her way.

Set your boundaries/conditions. Tell her what you are not ok with.

Judge her by her actions, not by what she says to you.

HM64


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> Thank you HM64 and Conrad. Yes I have set up my own account as of the beg of April. Although I did have our tax refund put in the joint account. Luckily this morning I was able to get most of it out of the account this morning. Last year my wife just got a job at the end of the summer so her refund amount to about $400. I made sure to leave that and a couple hundred more in the account.
> 
> You wouldn't believe the phone conversation we had yesterday. She told me she needed help with dep and 1st month rent on a townhouse SHE picked out and that I was not welcome to stay there overnight ever. Let me see if I get this straight, I am not welcome however she wants me to pay for getting her moved into this place she picked out and along with our children. Hmm...I wonder if I did that would she help me financially. I have seen the lease and it states only 4 are to occupy the place. Can you hear the nail going into the coffin? When we talked yesterday evening she said she had not fully dismissed reconciling our marriage. Huh?
> I went to the PO to pick up the D papers this morning that I was avoiding picking up. Now I see the lease is specifically designates 4 only (WS and our 3 children). I'm sure her dad had a hand in this though since he is co-signing. He is dead set on getting the D to go through. He's still married what a shame to give your daughter such lousy advice. How about "no you should work on your marriage"? I just got to get rid of that nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. How does someone flush a 15 yr M with 3 children down the drain so easily? She can discuss that she is considering reconciling but if there is no action, no effort on her part what am I to believe but what I see her doing. I just need strength to carry on right now.


You will hate yourself forever if you pay her to leave you.

Cut her off.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

So I get a text today from WS that she wants to meet for lunch. On the drive over to get something to eat she says "my dad has cut me off. He will not pay for any more repairs to my car. My mom is mad that he gave me money for yesterday's repairs ($600+) I need your help. I have no money." So we have lunch with a side of small talk. On the drive back I say "You can see how I am conflicted with giving you money given everything that is going on right now." Her response "Well I need the car to drive your kids around. Don't you want them to be safe?" Hmm..why do I feel like my back is being put against the wall? So I talk to my dad about everthing and he feels that we should sit down and discuss where all the money is going. Because I have been putting money in a joint account and she has her own account. I have no clue how she spends her money. She just called me and asked me to come pick her up to get her car. So the saga continues...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Conrad said:


> You will hate yourself forever if you pay her to leave you.
> 
> Cut her off.


How many times do I need to post this?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Are you actually going there and paying for the car?


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Hey Conrad you never steered me wrong. And yes I've got better sense than that. At least I think so. I am just wondering what all her funds were spent on. There is some money left in the joint account. So I guess her and I must sit down and figure out where the money went. I offered to drive the kids back and forth to school until she gets her next paycheck which is in a couple of days. The way she has treated me I am not cool with giving her money every time she needs cash. Daddy Warbucks has cut her off , thats not my problem. I just need to figure out what to do in dealing with this issue.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Tell her no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> Hey Conrad you never steered me wrong. And yes I've got better sense than that. At least I think so. I am just wondering what all her funds were spent on. There is some money left in the joint account. So I guess her and I must sit down and figure out where the money went. I offered to drive the kids back and forth to school until she gets her next paycheck which is in a couple of days. The way she has treated me I am not cool with giving her money every time she needs cash. Daddy Warbucks has cut her off , thats not my problem. I just need to figure out what to do in dealing with this issue.


Have you seen an attorney?

There are formulas that will tell you - exactly - how much you're likely to be responsible for moving forward.

If there are bills that the kids generate and you can pay those directly - like for schooling or other tuition type things, do that as an offset.

Put the difference in a joint account - and not a penny more.

If she wants more? Time to put together an entire spending plan - with receipts - and hold her accountable.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I don’t come at this from the WS perspective of course but I can look at it as the person in the relationship that now has less $ for needed items such as car repairs. And your children’s safety is of course going to be a vital concern to you.

My stbxh left because I asked him to however he was have a long term A and of course it wasn’t his first. He makes 3 times as much as me. I do not feel it is unreasonable for him to pay some of my expenses, his choice and his action have severely impacted my life style. Saying that however I have to say I try so hard not to ask him for anything or to take anything. I need to learn live on my income. If I had young children it would worry me if I felt I couldn’t provide for them as well though. I would agree with the most part with Conrad. I cant wait until my we have an agreement one way or another finically so I know what I will have to work with or not work with. I know that I could be budgeting better than I am and maybe your WS could also. she will definitely have to learn to put $ aside for emergency’s. I would say that if father is cutting her off this is a regular thing..... Sounds like she may have to take a budget class. I’m not sure it’s your responsibility for that but maybe you can recommend a neutral party to help.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> So what do I do now since she's made it very clear she does not want to communicate in any way.


Do you remember this post?

But, now she wants to communicate ($$$$)

And, wants to guilt you on top of it.

No way.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

DRC2 Yes you see why I needed time to think of what to do next. She did lay the guilt trip on me by throwing in "Don't you want ur kids to feel safe?" So yesterday after picking her up from work she tells me she used the joint account for the basic auto repairs to her parking brake which was $67. I don't like the fact that she took the liberty but I was going to tell her that amount was fine anyway. So I'm not concerned with that. The other repairs that are needed are in the $100s. To me that's on her to figure out how to pay for it. 

I agree Conrad she needs to take responsibility for her actions. I am not going to pay her to leave me. We did sit down and go over the spending both in the joint account and her account. Although I have to take her word for it about her spending. It did in the end add up. Part of it was her spending money to file D papers. Hmm that money could have been used for her auto repairs. Again not my problem she needs to figure that part out. I did tell her that another option was to reunite her family. Maybe I should not have suggested it but she wouldn't be in this mess if she hadn't decided to S and then sleep with POSOM. 

The other thing she has not factored in yet is that things could get worse for her. Why? Well I have not exposed her yet to her family. If they knew what she was doing it would be a crap storm to say the least for her. Her mom would probably disown her (given his race and age 49, she's 33) her dad would be very angry. So she doesn't know the fine line she is walking with me. I've been more than cordial. No more Mr. Nice Guy is in order soon. I am waiting this week to see how she plans this weekend with me seeing the kids. Or if the wind changes. I discovered a few weeks ago that just about every time I had the kids with me she was sleeping over POSOMs house. Get this ...POSOM is 2 1/2 hrs away from her and she was driving to his house. Last week, WS suggested I pick them up again, among other options last weekend but finally settled on me visiting on Sunday and getting the kids off the bus yesterday. I am driving 2-3 hrs (in another state DE) to see the kids. 

Like you say Conrad I am not ok with giving her money until there is a detail spending plan. I do deposit money in a joint account which is for the kids but just enough. However I will not fund her D, attorney, car repairs, lifestyle etc. Absolutely not.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

I guess I should add WS has not seen POSOM since beginning of April. I do know she is still sending emails to him. WS sends me texts daily about random stuff, asks me how I am doing. This morning it was about Jason Collins, the basketball player coming out. Is this just to play with my mind? To see if I am still waiting for her to come back. That plan B is still available. I don't know but I am getting to the point where I don't want to be someone's plan B. Maybe she comes around months or years from now but by then it will be too late.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

If you want her back, the best strategy would be to plaster posters of them everywhere - just go nuclear and blow the affair out of the water.

Makes it much more difficult for her to operate with impunity.

Also shows your masculine mettle.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> I guess I should add WS has not seen POSOM since beginning of April. I do know she is still sending emails to him. WS sends me texts daily about random stuff, asks me how I am doing. This morning it was about Jason Collins, the basketball player coming out. Is this just to play with my mind? To see if I am still waiting for her to come back. That plan B is still available. I don't know but I am getting to the point where I don't want to be someone's plan B. Maybe she comes around months or years from now but by then it will be too late.


Plan B is exactly what is going on. 

You need to expose this affair especially to her parents.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Hey C and GP I'm not there yet but I am very close to blowing this thing wide open. It will look like Hiroshima and Nagasaki in August 1945. There won't be much to recover in the aftermath as far as her parents are concerned. I'm pretty sure at least with her mother. So I am contemplating whether to press the little red button right now.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> Hey C and GP I'm not there yet but I am very close to blowing this thing wide open. It will look like Hiroshima and Nagasaki in August 1945. There won't be much to recover in the aftermath as far as her parents are concerned. I'm pretty sure at least with her mother. So I am contemplating whether to press the little red button right now.


Do it.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

I hear you. Funny how the opposite of what you are inclined to do actually works! Its almost about time to turn up the heat. Get ready it's about to be a scorcher!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> I hear you. Funny how the opposite of what you are inclined to do actually works! Its almost about time to turn up the heat. Get ready it's about to be a scorcher!


If what you thought you should do actually worked, how would you have ended up here?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

The truth is on your side, do it!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

She got the STD from him right?


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Tom yes sir you are absolutely correct, this was supposed to be for WS the greener grass on the other side. Well to say the least it blew up in her face. I'm clueless as to why she still contacts him. Maybe she feels she stuck with him. Who knows. I will expose her soon. I'm just a little hesitant to do it right now. But I'm pretty sure it will happen sometime this week. I have undeniable proof. Much like dropping a nuke the fallout is gonna last awhile.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

I tend to believe she is stuck in the fog not willing to admit to herself she messed up royally. I was with her for almost two weeks in the middle of March when she cried, told me she loved me, admitted how selfish she had been, that she messed up big time. Then once she started to feel a little better back into the fog she went as if those two weeks I helped her meant nothing. The way I see it is if you realize you made bad choices in life no need to keep repeating them. I have a feeling this week will be momentous in some form or fashion.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> I tend to believe she is stuck in the fog not willing to admit to herself she messed up royally. I was with her for almost two weeks in the middle of March when she cried, told me she loved me, admitted how selfish she had been, that she messed up big time. Then once she started to feel a little better back into the fog she went as if those two weeks I helped her meant nothing. The way I see it is if you realize you made bad choices in life no need to keep repeating them. I have a feeling this week will be momentous in some form or fashion.


You established yourself as Plan B.

She's back to Plan A.

Expose them.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> Tom yes sir you are absolutely correct, this was supposed to be for WS the greener grass on the other side. Well to say the least it blew up in her face. I'm clueless as to why she still contacts him. Maybe she feels she stuck with him. Who knows. I will expose her soon. I'm just a little hesitant to do it right now. But I'm pretty sure it will happen sometime this week. I have undeniable proof. Much like dropping a nuke the fallout is gonna last awhile.


I cant wait to hear about the fallout. My stbx just experienced some of his at our court yesterday, I love to hear about justice. I still think I was probably to fair to him, but I seriously was at my emotional limit and told my lawyer I just wanted it done. my I did stand up for myself and got some things he didn’t want to give. The big surprise was his "private agreement" he wants to make when he showed up at my house latter that day. I posted it on my tread "so I did it!".

I think your WS might have to acknowledge that the grass is greener but only over the septic tank....


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hurt

It s time to knock your wife off the fence.

Just Do It!

HM64


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

doureallycare2 said:


> I am so sorry you are going through this! You made two statements that really hit me. One was that you are her Rock and the other was that she would have ended her life with out you.
> 
> My STBXH said both those things to me quite a few times. One time when I left him and moved to a different state i had to come back because he was going to hang himself. And it wasn’t over me... sure, he was upset I had left, but mostly it was that the OW wouldn’t take him back. I was his ROCK he needed me... until the next affair. And then the next affair, and then the next affair. I am not saying that to discourage you. But it sounds like you have fallen into the care-giver/enabler mold. Don’t.......!!! You can’t be her Rock!!! She needs to develop that so she stops searching for something more outside of you, outside of her and outside of her family.



DRC2 I can't help but to think about what you said earlier now. You were so right. Back into the fog she went as if those couple of weeks never happened. :scratchhead:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> DRC2 I can't help but to think about what you said earlier now. You were so right. Back into the fog she went as if those couple of weeks never happened. :scratchhead:


With Plan B firmly in her back pocket.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Hey Conrad I'm not going to be anybody's plan B. Operation scorched earth is underway. I'll let you know how it turns out :smthumbup:


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> Hey Conrad I'm not going to be anybody's plan B. Operation scorched earth is underway. I'll let you know how it turns out :smthumbup:


Good for you!! Me either!! I’ve been crying all day over that meeting yesterday and then the things he said to me in our private meeting.. Something is in his back pocket... I don’t know what but he is a liar. I think he does feel guilty but I also believe its somehow to his advantage. Even if it just means he thinks it gives him a connection to me still. I’m not a connection.. I’m not a plan B.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You saw my comment DYRC.

Do not - under any circumstances - agree to that.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I have only had one person say think about it but not to stay there to sell the house. I can not lie, it seems like the easiest answer, I wouldn’t have to move etc. I’ve lived there 34 years... However I recognize that’s what I’ve done for all these years.... put all my effort into my marriage and none into changing me and doing the hard changing of out of my comfort zone. I still want to put the covers over my head though.. Have to fight it every breath to keep moving. Im so tired...


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

DYRC I hope you are better today. Some days will be better than others. Try to schedule different activities, find a good book, stay busy to get your mind off things.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

This morning WS sends me the following "In response to ur earlier test you'll have to forgive me but it feels like a slap in the face for u to offer to send me verses when you don't care enough to make sure the kids and I have a safe vehicle to ride in. Or the im nice enough to try to split rent & utilitities and ask u to pay for very little else even tho u take home for more than i do. But when it comes to our $$$ tax refund you left me $$$ when you told me u left $$$$ which btw would've been enough to fix my car and make it safe to b on the road. It's sad when my coworker is nice enough to offer to go without to lend me the $ but the person who supposedly cares about me and his kids can't be bothered." 

First of all I have been putting money in a joint account each month and yes I left a few hundred dollars in from the tax refund. I told her before and in a text back that "that the $ used to file D papers could have been used to repair the car." I offered other options among them reuniting our family. I have no problems helping in a marriage but this is very different. Keep in mind she puts NOTHING in the joint account so I have to take her word for it as to where all the money is going in her account. I gave her about %18 of the tax refund which is a couple hundred more than she would have received had she filed separately. She is telling me that since we were married last year she should get half of the tax refund. Hmm...well for 1/4 Qtr of that year she was sleeping with OM. So now is that an admission of adultery? 

Here is my questions TAM. Do I owe her half the tax refund? If not, should I help monetary wise to get her car fixed?

She is not offering anything in return except laying the guilt trip on me about the safety of the kids. She was paid earlier this week on Tuesday and had the money to repair her car but says she can't because of other expenses i.e. rent, groceries, etc. 

I am not sure what to do. I was thinking of offering to buy groceries for the kids when I pay a visit on Sunday. I don't feel I should hand her a few hundred dollars to repair her car. 

Thoughts?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Do not pay her to leave you. 

Do not engage in her fight for the victim chair.

If you must respond, and I suggest you don't.

Say this...."I am sorry you are struggling financially."

....and then wait for the fireworks.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I actully would take a bag of your childrens favorite foods and treats to them. that way if they are hearing anything negative or actually going with out food, they know you are there for them and supplying their needs.


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## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Sorry TAM ...it been awhile since I've posted however I have been faithfully following your stories. 

Saw an interesting one in the news today "He and Micki Kanesaki, 52, divorced in 2001 after six years of marriage but continued to live together, off and on, in southern Orange County. They were sharing a cabin during a May 2006 Mediterranean cruise when she went overboard."

R did not work for them. No not trying to make light of this...just crazy how some just loose it. Can't say the thought has not crossed my mind.


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