# Female breadwinner issues



## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

I really don't mind, but my husband doesn't quite understand there are some financial decisions he can't make because he does not pay for them. For example, my daughter was feverish for the past few days. I took her to urgent care, paid the co pay and bought her prescriptions. He suggested going to the ER. Why when the expense is 5x higher for the same service? Then he asks me "so our daughters health is all about money?" I told him yes, when it comes to healthcare, if I'm paying the bill, I want to be able to do so, which I have, all year.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

The fact that your husband is not the breadwinner should not relegate him into any non-decision making role. As long as he does his share in the family operation, then he is entitled to the respect and honor of a husband and co-parent. Any other means is dishonorable...and I would be saying the same thing of the roles were reversed.

Having said that, there should be a degree of cooperation and communication regarding expenses and budget...without accusatory responses on his part that your not wanting to rush to the ER reflects a lack of concern on your part. That is inflammatory speech...but at the same time, so is your counterpoint that since he doesn't earn the money, he hasn't earned a vote. Guys, this neither a healthy nor honoring way to handle challenges!

At the same time, he ought to show some respect to your hard work by being good with the money he spends. My opinion is that a hard set budget that you guys both agree to ought to resolve future issues...and it is best to have an emergency fund set aside specifically for such events, so a surprise doctor's visit isn't coming out of your general cash and instead, your emergency fund. Be reasonable with each other and not reactionary.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

I HOPE your hubby's comment was him 'lashing out' at your failure to consult him, and not a misguided belief.

You should agree your 'care strategy' before the child is ill, so you're both on a mutually agreed wavelength. Sit down with him and do that.

As for what happened, unless you'd done a skin test and seen signs of meningitis, or suspected something equally dangerous, a 'standard' fever isn't an emergency. Even if it turned out to be, if you're queuing for a doctor and a child loses consciousness doctors will abandon the non-emergencies and attend the child.

If you were there and hubby was absent, the in-situ parent has to make a decision on what's best to do by real-time assessment. If he's questioning your ability to determine 'best care' for the child you've every right to question his decision to leave her in your care - since you're so inadequate n'all. I'm not suggesting you do cuz that'd just escalate the drama, but I understand why you're pìssed about having your parenting questioned.

You did the right thing. You chose the option that was the right one for what you were presented with and saved money that didn't need to be spent. I'm sure hubby would agree when his anger has subsided.

You're BOTH to blame for the row. In the heat of the moment you both resorted to 'tactless' over what was really a non-event.

Kiss and make up. Agree a care strategy and agree that the parent 'on the spot' has to make the decision and that you trust one another to make it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Apparently there's a book out called "When She Makes More" that says:

"...women who are the main breadwinners still do at least 2/3 of the housework...men are least likely to cheat when their female partner’s make approximately 3/4 of his salary...And...the greater the income disparity, the greater the problems with ED...and reliance on drugs to remedy it."


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think this can be an issue with a stay at home spouse of either gender. Spouses who don't work outside the home sometimes do not appreciate what goes into making money, they just imagine there's a never ending supply of it. I don't think the fact that you make the money means he's not an equal decision maker, but neither one of you should be reckless. And the snarky comment about your daughter's health being about money supports the idea that he doesn't really grasp where the money's coming from. 

I have a friend like this, she is the working parent and makes good money. She has told me she often feels that her husband and kids have no real appreciation for where the money comes from, and simply come up with lots of ways to spend. She hears a lot of "I want" and resents the fact that she feels like the only adult in the house.

How involved in the family budget is you husband?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

maccheese said:


> I really don't mind, but my husband doesn't quite understand there are some financial decisions he can't make because he does not pay for them. For example, my daughter was feverish for the past few days. I took her to urgent care, paid the co pay and bought her prescriptions. He suggested going to the ER. Why when the expense is 5x higher for the same service? Then he asks me "so our daughters health is all about money?" I told him yes, when it comes to healthcare, if I'm paying the bill, I want to be able to do so, which I have, all year.


There is alot to consider in your post.

-- Why would a grown man even think that the ER is the right form of medical treatment for a non emergency? 
-- Why would your non working husband not bring sick child to the regular pediatrician you always use?
-- Why would he equate the ER as superior medical care when it is really just about emergencies?

Now, I think that money is a factor in health care decisions. That is obvious to any adult in the U.S.A since options have such wildly different pricing depending on your health insurance etc.

I also think that what he said is a bit unfair, but at the same time it's also wrong for you to think of yourself as the breadwinner and are more entitled to decide how the money is spent.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

The comment "...there are decisions he can't make because he doesn't pay for them..." is the most revealing one to me. 
I think the couple need to work out a mutual understanding on decisions with a monetary element. 
Let's not hijack this thread with discussion of best place to take a sick child for health care. That's a whole other thread. The critical point for this thread is what $ decisions are shared and what $ decisions are exclusive to the primary breadwinner. 
In our family, my wife is currently a stay-at-home-mom by our mutual decision. The $ I bring in is viewed as the family budget. Best child health care is a mutual discussion and decision with cost one of many factors. As someone else wrote if only one parent is present when a child health care decision is to be made, that parent does what he/she feels is best at that instance. 
On other items we discuss before the expense of possible. If something happens needing a fast decision - say a car problem - we try to communicate to discuss best options. 
I think for us the base decision that informs all other monetary decisions is that the money brought in, whether by one spouse as is the current situation or by both spouses, is considered family resources so decisions on spending are shared decisions. This shared decision making goes both ways, not just the stay-at-home-spouse checking with the money making spouse. For instance, if one of the cars is in for repairs and the garage calls with an estimate much higher than anticipated, the spouse receiving that estimate contacts the other spouse and we discuss options and come to a joint decision. So I am as likely to call her. 

For us, the gender of the primary bread winner is not an issue. The core for us is that the $ is a family resource and decisions how to spend are shared. Not every trip to the store requires a confab but working out in advance as much as possible a common understanding. 

Not all couples treat $ that way.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maneo said:


> The comment "...there are decisions he can't make because he doesn't pay for them..." is the most revealing one to me.
> I think the couple need to work out a mutual understanding on decisions with a monetary element.
> Let's not hijack this thread with discussion of best place to take a sick child for health care. That's a whole other thread. The critical point for this thread is what $ decisions are shared and what $ decisions are exclusive to the primary breadwinner.
> In our family, my wife is currently a stay-at-home-mom by our mutual decision. The $ I bring in is viewed as the family budget. Best child health care is a mutual discussion and decision with cost one of many factors. As someone else wrote if only one parent is present when a child health care decision is to be made, that parent does what he/she feels is best at that instance.
> ...



This begs the question of whether he's a stay at home dad and if so was that a mutual decision?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

maccheese said:


> I really don't mind, but my husband doesn't quite understand there are some financial decisions he can't make because he does not pay for them.


Is it possible you did not say it as benignly as you do above?

This is on the short list of things that you can say to hurt your partner, and emasculate a man. Right after "You have the smallest dik I have ever seen, when we have sex I feel like I am banging a Chihuahua" (No offense to the breed intended)

I hope not, some words stick with a person.

You are using money to establish position and its driving a wedge into your marriage, do you not get that?

You did the right thing for your daughter, he should respect your judgment but this is a bigger issue than just money. Right?
Communication and respect, yes?

Yet you frame it as female breadwinner issues, you are as much a part of this problem as he is, don't doubt it for a minute.

My wife has been a SAHM for 27 of the last 28 years of our marriage, she is a very productive person and I have never said anything remotely close to what you are thinking.

I would not devalue her role or contribution that way because it would not be accurate and it would just be mean spirited.

You need to rethink this dynamic.

I do wish you well though, take care!


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> Apparently there's a book out called "When She Makes More" that says:
> 
> "...women who are the main breadwinners still do at least 2/3 of the housework...men are least likely to cheat when their female partner’s make approximately 3/4 of his salary...And...the greater the income disparity, the greater the problems with ED...and reliance on drugs to remedy it."


I'm the main breadwinner in our marriage - my husband barely has any income at present and doesn't seem to be doing a great deal to rectify this as he sponges off his dad when he needs money - usually to buy whiskey. I try my very hardest not to "break his balls" over this as I know it can be a sensitive subject for a man. When I get cash out of the machine, I always make sure he has cash on him so he never has to actually ask. 

However, although I pay most of the bills I still do practically all of the housework. I insist on doing the dishes because he won't rinse the soap off them. The rest of the housework, I tend to do as he likes to just tidy stuff away without actually cleaning anything. I'm not particularly tidy, but insist on hygiene, whereas he like things to look nice and tidy, but is not bothered if the stuff that is looking nice is dirty. I also tend to do most of the gardening work so I have quite a lot on my plate at the moment.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening maccheese
Ignoring the specific issue the general issue of how to split / control money is a very big one.

Personally I think that in a marriage everything should be evenly shared. Otherwise it can feel to much like a master / servant relationship - and not in a fun BDSM sort of way. 

I know a very unfortunate couple where both worked full time jobs. Then his company went public so he retired on a few million $s (at age ~40). But - since they were keeping money separate, and splitting expenses she still needed to work. So he relaxes, travels around the world, enjoys his hobbies. She works full time. It may be the deal that they made, but it sure "feels" completely unfair.

I think money should be combined, then split evenly. I think chores should be split evenly. You shouldn't "pay" your spouse for doing chores - but if you work 8 hours/ day, they should put in roughly that much time on chores. 

You have sworn to spend your lives together - splitting money should be a minor issue. 







maccheese said:


> I really don't mind, but my husband doesn't quite understand there are some financial decisions he can't make because he does not pay for them. For example, my daughter was feverish for the past few days. I took her to urgent care, paid the co pay and bought her prescriptions. He suggested going to the ER. Why when the expense is 5x higher for the same service? Then he asks me "so our daughters health is all about money?" I told him yes, when it comes to healthcare, if I'm paying the bill, I want to be able to do so, which I have, all year.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

maccheese said:


> I really don't mind, but my husband doesn't quite understand there are some financial decisions he can't make because he does not pay for them. For example, my daughter was feverish for the past few days. *I took her to urgent care, paid the co pay and bought her prescriptions.* He suggested going to the ER. Why when the *expense is 5x higher for the same service*? Then he asks me "so our daughters health is all about money?" I told him yes, when it comes to healthcare, if I'm paying the bill, I want to be able to do so, which I have, all year.


THOSE are the issues, not who makes the money.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Mac cheese, you are dead wrong to tell your husband that he has no say if it is you that pays.

First off, it's not your money, even though it comes from your work. It's "our" money.

Also, your husband is illogical to equate ER with best care. 

You both are very wrong and in different ways.

What you have found out is that a woman cannot truly respect a man if she is the primary breadwinner.

You should not have married this man.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

During my 20-year marriage, I was a SAHM, my husband was the breadwinner.

If he had told me "I couldn't make decisions regarding child healthcare" I would have told him to go jump off a bridge and divorced him. (I ultimately DID get divorced, but nothing to do with finances.)

Your expectations are unreasonable. You get married to make a "we"... not a "me."

Hubby was wrong to demand the ER, but WAY more importantly, YOU are wrong to demand that you are the "decision-maker" because you bring home the bacon.

You may as well be a single mom raising your kid...

Sheesh...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I cant imagine what would happen if I told my wife she could not spend money or make any financial decisions because I'm the one who makes the money. Huge double standard here, and a great example of why men have to be the breadwinner in relationships. Anything less breeds disrespect.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I was with you Working right up until you said ithr man should always be the breadwinner. In this day and age either can be the breadwinner. It is the relationship between the husband and the wife - mutual respect, open communication, sharing - that counts, not who brings home more money.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

I guess I do feel a but disrespected about the effort that I put into our financial health and status. We do communicate about finances, but he doesN'T get it. We have a set budget, but he always complains about or simply does n't look at it. I have set up an emergency fund as well as other savings, so if we had to go to the emergency room, we could. These savings have always covered us for other emergency situations. He really can have whatever say he wants in the financial decision, but if we went with his decisions every time, they would always be the most expensive.


QUOTE=FormerSelf;10892418]The fact that your husband is not the breadwinner should not relegate him into any non-decision making role. As long as he does his share in the family operation, then he is entitled to the respect and honor of a husband and co-parent. Any other means is dishonorable...and I would be saying the same thing of the roles were reversed.

Having said that, there should be a degree of cooperation and communication regarding expenses and budget...without accusatory responses on his part that your not wanting to rush to the ER reflects a lack of concern on your part. That is inflammatory speech...but at the same time, so is your counterpoint that since he doesn't earn the money, he hasn't earned a vote. Guys, this neither a healthy nor honoring way to handle challenges!

At the same time, he ought to show some respect to your hard work by being good with the money he spends. My opinion is that a hard set budget that you guys both agree to ought to resolve future issues...and it is best to have an emergency fund set aside specifically for such events, so a surprise doctor's visit isn't coming out of your general cash and instead, your emergency fund. Be reasonable with each other and not reactionary.[/QUOTE]


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

I pretty much feel like your friend. My husband does work, but my husband consistently chooses jobs that are of lower pay. He has the option to make more money, but chooses not too. When it comes to the budget, his income only covers expenses related to him. His $400 truck note that he just bought, his half of the rent, the gas for his truck. I feel he takes it for granted that I can cover a lot more of everything else and he can really just relax. All the time he has these grand ideas of cruises, vacations, fishing trips, hunting trips, dates, building and buying a house, turning the heat on he'll, running the a.c. ice cold, cable, holiday celebrations, none of these to which he can contribute.


UOTE=lifeistooshort;10893882]I think this can be an issue with a stay at home spouse of either gender. Spouses who don't work outside the home sometimes do not appreciate what goes into making money, they just imagine there's a never ending supply of it. I don't think the fact that you make the money means he's not an equal decision maker, but neither one of you should be reckless. And the snarky comment about your daughter's health being about money supports the idea that he doesn't really grasp where the money's coming from. 

I have a friend like this, she is the working parent and makes good money. She has told me she often feels that her husband and kids have no real appreciation for where the money comes from, and simply come up with lots of ways to spend. She hears a lot of "I want" and resents the fact that she feels like the only adult in the house.

How involved in the family budget is you husband?[/QUOTE]


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

Not trying to establish a position, but trying to get him to wake up as to how money needs to be considered

QUOTE=Decorum;10909970]Is it possible you did not say it as benignly as you do above?

This is on the short list of things that you can say to hurt your partner, and emasculate a man. Right after "You have the smallest dik I have ever seen, when we have sex I feel like I am banging a Chihuahua" (No offense to the breed intended)

I hope not, some words stick with a person.

You are using money to establish position and its driving a wedge into your marriage, do you not get that?

You did the right thing for your daughter, he should respect your judgment but this is a bigger issue than just money. Right?
Communication and respect, yes?

Yet you frame it as female breadwinner issues, you are as much a part of this problem as he is, don't doubt it for a minute.

My wife has been a SAHM for 27 of the last 28 years of our marriage, she is a very productive person and I have never said anything remotely close to what you are thinking.

I would not devalue her role or contribution that way because it would not be accurate and it would just be mean spirited.

You need to rethink this dynamic.

I do wish you well though, take care![/QUOTE]


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

I would love for him to be the breadwinner. He could care less either way

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WorkingOnMe said:


> I cant imagine what would happen if I told my wife she could not spend money or make any financial decisions because I'm the one who makes the money. Huge double standard here, and a great example of why men have to be the breadwinner in relationships. Anything less breeds disrespect.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A very important point is being missed here. 

You took your daughter to urgent care. She got the medical attention she needed and I presume is doing fine.

So your husband getting on your case for not taking her to the emergency room is him showing gross disrespect for you decision of how to take care of her when she was in your care.

You are the major breadwinner because your husband does not respect you. Does very little for the household. He contributes nothing financially to the household. As a matter of fact he has unilaterally forced you into the position of being the breadwinner.

He does not respect you. So he does not respect the income you bring in. 

Why are you still with the guy?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

You know, it doesn't have to be a breadwinner versus SAHM or SAHD issue. The OP's husband could have a part time job that nets a quarter of her salary and it would still be the same story. It's really an issue of financially literate versus financially illiterate. 

If you don't understand how being unconcerned about what things cost can lead to financial ruin then you are financially illiterate. 

The difference between real illiteracy and financial illiteracy is that people know when they're illiterate but they don't know when they are financially illiterate. 

That said, the OP is wrong to say that he doesn't have a say in spending because she's the breadwinner. We always hear that SAHMs do have a job of taking care of the house and kids so he is contributing to the finances in that way. 

She should have just said that a simple fever doesn't call for a trip to the ER unless there are serious symptoms with it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

maccheese,

What percentage of the housework, shopping and child care does your husband do?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

DH didn't have this attitude with me when he was the breadwinner, thank goodness, because I would hate being treated like I had no say in our lives. We're a team, not a dictatorship. That said, we always discuss and agree on money matters. Helps when you're on the same page from day one.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I cant imagine what would happen if I told my wife she could not spend money or make any financial decisions because I'm the one who makes the money. Huge double standard here, and a great example of why men have to be the breadwinner in relationships. Anything less breeds disrespect.


No, not really. There was a decent amount of time where I was supporting DH financially and there was no disrespect.

I think the problems with disrespect occur when one partner feels like the other isn't pulling their weight. Their goals are not aligned. You see it with men's attitude towards their wives quite often, but we're so used to that that it doesn't even register anymore. How often do you see men complaining about their spouse being a lazy so and so? All the time on here. If they're talking here like that, you know that it's ten times worse when they're talking to their wives. Seeing a woman feel that same disrespect towards her husband however gives people pause because it's no where near as common a dynamic.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

breeze said:


> I think the problems with disrespect occur when one partner feels like the other isn't pulling their weight.


:iagree: This is really spot on. I suppose it doesn't really matter which spouse is earning more, however, I must admit that in my entourage, it is often the H who earns more, while the wife scales back her career to take care of the children and the household.....

Anyway, OP, it seems as though there are deeper issues and the the ER concern is just a symptom of the bigger problem. Do you feel that your H is not pulling his weight? I didn't read the entire thread, but it seems that way.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

maccheese said:


> I pretty much feel like your friend. My husband does work, but my husband consistently chooses jobs that are of lower pay. He has the option to make more money, but chooses not too. When it comes to the budget, his income only covers expenses related to him. His $400 truck note that he just bought, his half of the rent, the gas for his truck.]



His truck? His half of the rent? Presumably there is your vehicle and your half of the rent. Is this a marriage or two roommates sharing expenses ?


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## JennB (Mar 21, 2013)

I am so glad people put you in your place, decisions in a marriage should be made 50/50 it doesn't matter why brings in more money.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I'll give my 2 cents about an ER,

that is, try to avoid going at all costs. The system of triage will almost always make a fever the lowest priority.

I remember on 2 occasions after surgery, my husband suggested that we go to the ER, what a waste of time. And I didn't get seen.

if it's not life threatening try to wait until office hours.


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