# So, I am being abused - now what?



## bohemian11 (Sep 20, 2011)

I've been married to my husband for nearly 10 years now. For many of those years, I was very unhealthy and co-dependent, accepting his emotional and verbal abuse because I thought that I deserved it. For the past two or so years, though, I've healed a lot. Not really sure if it was just wisdom that comes from growing, experience with being a mother to our kids or what, but I have realized that NO ONE, me included, deserves to be abused. I've also realized I'm a good person, a good mother, employee, breadwinner and that I deserve respect. This may not seem like much of a relevation to most people, but I've suffered from very low self-esteem for much of my life, so it's a breakthrough for me.

My husband generally has little to no respect for me. He curses me out, does not censor himself in any way when talking to me and is very demanding. He has not worked consistently since 2007, yet he does little to nothing at home and complains when he does have to do anything. I come home from working all day and have to do laundry, clean the kitchen, help kids with homework and whatever else needs doing immediately. Most things go by the wayside from lack of time. I'm considering hiring a housekeeper to come in once a week and clean up, which should not be if you have a stay at home spouse, right? When I've asked him to look for work, he has blown up, accused me of "using him for money" (ha!) and not caring about him. 

I have given up on the idea of having an equal partnership with this person. I'm just wondering now if I can survive this marriage til my youngest child (now 5) is 18. If I leave, he will make my life hell, make the kids lives nothing but turmoil and create extreme "drama" that I'm not sure I can take at this point in my life. I know I'm abused, I'm in therapy and I'm not sure what to do. My nerves are not yet good enough to go through the nuclear tantrum he would throw if I left as he would lose his source of money and would actually have to get a job and pay child support. How can I keep growing stronger and decide what to do? We are in marriage counseling but he will not implement changes suggested by the therapist, so we have tried that route numerous times over.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

" If I leave, he will make my life hell, make the kids lives nothing but turmoil and create extreme "drama" that I'm not sure I can take at this point in my life. I know I'm abused."


So basically if you leave you will be getting the same treatment as you are by staying? Your best bet is to leave. Once you know and truly understand that you and your kids deserve better I'm sure you will make that happen.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

bohemian11 said:


> I've been married to my husband for nearly 10 years now. For many of those years, I was very unhealthy and co-dependent, accepting his emotional and verbal abuse because I thought that I deserved it. For the past two or so years, though, I've healed a lot. Not really sure if it was just wisdom that comes from growing, experience with being a mother to our kids or what, but I have realized that NO ONE, me included, deserves to be abused. I've also realized I'm a good person, a good mother, employee, breadwinner and that I deserve respect. This may not seem like much of a relevation to most people, but I've suffered from very low self-esteem for much of my life, so it's a breakthrough for me.
> 
> My husband generally has little to no respect for me. He curses me out, does not censor himself in any way when talking to me and is very demanding. He has not worked consistently since 2007, yet he does little to nothing at home and complains when he does have to do anything. I come home from working all day and have to do laundry, clean the kitchen, help kids with homework and whatever else needs doing immediately. Most things go by the wayside from lack of time. I'm considering hiring a housekeeper to come in once a week and clean up, which should not be if you have a stay at home spouse, right? When I've asked him to look for work, he has blown up, accused me of "using him for money" (ha!) and not caring about him.
> 
> I have given up on the idea of having an equal partnership with this person. I'm just wondering now if I can survive this marriage til my youngest child (now 5) is 18. * If I leave, he will make my life hell,* make the kids lives nothing but turmoil and create extreme "drama" that I'm not sure I can take at this point in my life. I know I'm abused, I'm in therapy and I'm not sure what to do. My nerves are not yet good enough to go through the nuclear tantrum he would throw if I left as he would lose his source of money and would actually have to get a job and pay child support. How can I keep growing stronger and decide what to do? We are in marriage counseling but he will not implement changes suggested by the therapist, so we have tried that route numerous times over.


Sounds like you live in hell already. No where to go but up from that...

Nuclear tantrum? Whoopdeedoo. He wants to act like a 2 year old, he can. You don't have to respond to him the way you have in the past. If he doesn't get the reaction he wants, he won't escalate his behavior... and if he does? that's what 911 is for. Stand firm in your position, and calmly handle your business.

I don't have advice to give you for staying. I wouldn't stay. Especially if I were the breadwinner as you are. Having the finances to do what you need to do is half the battle won.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So you're going to try to stick it out until your youngest is 18. What then? Will hubby's nuclear reaction be any less the longer he mooches off you?

Get an attorney to look at your options and have your ducks in a row. Have you cell handy at all times if you need to dial 911. If H starts to threaten you or goes totally ballistic, it's probably enough for you to get a restraining order. You earn the money, so you call the shots. Find out if you can legally get him out of your home.

This man is an anchor around your neck, and it's no way to live; it's merely survival. Don't know if you've ever read it or not, but Melody Beattie's classic, Codependent No More might be worth reading.


----------



## bohemian11 (Sep 20, 2011)

You're right...maybe I am not as strong as I thought. I'm still exploring my boundaries and co-dependency issues. I will look into that book - thanks. Another problem with him having a tantrum is that I had an affair about 4 years ago. I have taken responsibility for it and have apologized and we went into counseling. I feel a deep sense of regret for it even now. I broke it off with the person but my husband got access to emails to/from him after I told him what was going on. He now "blackmails" me with them, saying he will show them to everyone I know and even send them to my employer should I leave. I know he will do this and I don't want this to cause me to lose my job or be humiliated. It's a very real fear as he is not beyond causing me to lose our kids' livelihood just to get back at me.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

bohemian11 said:


> You're right...maybe I am not as strong as I thought. I'm still exploring my boundaries and co-dependency issues. I will look into that book - thanks. Another problem with him having a tantrum is that I had an affair about 4 years ago. I have taken responsibility for it and have apologized and we went into counseling. I feel a deep sense of regret for it even now. I broke it off with the person but my husband got access to emails to/from him after I told him what was going on. He now "blackmails" me with them, saying he will show them to everyone I know and even send them to my employer should I leave. I know he will do this and I don't want this to cause me to lose my job or be humiliated. It's a very real fear as he is not beyond causing me to lose our kids' livelihood just to get back at me.



Seriously? Some emails and you think you'll lose your job over it?? 

Beat him to the punch. If you need to, let your employer know what's going on, that you plan to file for divorce and things will be difficult, but you plan to not let it interfere with your job. I always believe that honesty with the situation is the best offense. I understand you not wanting to be humiliated, but you know what? You made a mistake. Some of the consequences of that mistake is taking a few lumps for it. 

The safety of your children and your mental/physical health is more important than any threat your husband can make. Leave and get a restraining order immediately after. Anything he 'tries' to do to disrupt your progress will be thwarted by your being prepared for it.


----------



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

bohemian11 said:


> You're right...maybe I am not as strong as I thought. I'm still exploring my boundaries and co-dependency issues. I will look into that book - thanks. Another problem with him having a tantrum is that I had an affair about 4 years ago. I have taken responsibility for it and have apologized and we went into counseling. I feel a deep sense of regret for it even now. I broke it off with the person but my husband got access to emails to/from him after I told him what was going on. *He now "blackmails" me with them, saying he will show them to everyone I know and even send them to my employer should I leave. I know he will do this and I don't want this to cause me to lose my job or be humiliated. * It's a very real fear as he is not beyond causing me to lose our kids' livelihood just to get back at me.


For a year before i left my hubs, he played games. He told all of our coworkers how I wasn't putting out enough, how i always was mean to him, made up stories about me, cried to them about how aweful I was. After I left, it got even worse. My dirty laundry was plastered all over the walls of my place of employment. This one customer still hates me, and she doesn't even know me. He went to all of our friends with how aweful I was, drained my bank account, stuck me with all the bills, offered to take one of our female coworkers on vacation with him and take care of her baby, gave his best friend permission to "do" me went on a drug binge, turned his family on me..you name it. everything but physically punching me in the face.

through all his stunts, and every attempt to hurt me, I STILL felt better. Happier, healthier,my mind was clearer, and I survived. I have so enjoyed finding myself again..everything else just seems like tiny stones in the road, because I am me again, and I can keep going. I was over ridden with guilt and worry for way too long before leaving, and I didn't leave until I was pushed to just stick with my decision.

your kids will be better off, and you will feel SO much better, even if it is a rollercoaster of emotion. Don't worry about what he will do, worry about what you will do, and take care of yourself and your kids. Take the high road, he will prove himself an idiot in due time.


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

"So I am being abused- now what?"

You leave thats what. Abuse of any kind is never ok. Remember the longer you stay, you are teaching your children this is how a relationship should be. Children learn what they see/hear in their environment. 

Instead of worrying about how he might make your life hell if you leave, think about the hell you and the kids are in right now and how they might feel.


----------



## bohemian11 (Sep 20, 2011)

I have thought about just laying it on the line to my employer and telling them I'm about to get a divorce and it's going to be horrible for a few months but if they will just bear with me. The thing is that I've just gotten this job 5 months ago and I don't feel they know me well enough yet. My company is very conservative and they would not cotton to a lot of drama, so I have to be very careful. I don't want my kids (girls) to think being abused is OK, though I fear they already have been affected by seeing the way he acts toward me. I'm going to continue in counseling and work on getting stronger to be able to withstand the &%*$storm that will happen when/if we separate. Thanks for your advice, everyone.


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Just be honest with your employer and let them do what they're supposed to in situations like this.

When you decide to divorce, file first and then leave (or evict him). Just be sure that a restraining order is included in the filing. Then if he appears at your work, calls repeatedly, or whatever, it becomes a violation. It would likely only be a civil matter, but it strengthens any case you have in custody/support proceedings and gives your employer a reason to take action on their own for harrassment or trespassing or whatever.

Then you've minimized his ability to make drama there at least. And if you're open with them and let them know that you expect him to try and drag your name through the mud, etc. they're much more understanding. I'd be willing to bet that it's not the first nasty divorce most folks have seen.....


----------



## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

bohemian11 said:


> I have thought about just laying it on the line to my employer and telling them I'm about to get a divorce and it's going to be horrible for a few months but if they will just bear with me. The thing is that I've just gotten this job 5 months ago and I don't feel they know me well enough yet. My company is very conservative and they would not cotton to a lot of drama, so I have to be very careful. I don't want my kids (girls) to think being abused is OK, though I fear they already have been affected by seeing the way he acts toward me. I'm going to continue in counseling and work on getting stronger to be able to withstand the &%*$storm that will happen when/if we separate. Thanks for your advice, everyone.


When my H and first separated, I told my boss what was going on, and she was very understanding..she let me adjust my work schedule so I could start work early and leave early, so I could get home sooner to get some work done around the house, since I was all alone then. All of my friend were supportive as well..it's nice to know that people were on my side.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Bohemian, you have to get to the point where you don't care what anyone thinks. They're not living your life day in and out, you and your kids are. Other people can pass all the judgment they want, you are the one that has to live day in and out with someone that has failed to honor and cherish you as his wife. If you are in a position of power, as you are with your finances, then use it to save your family. That should be your first priority. You'll be surprised at what kind of support you will get once you stand strong and do what you have to do. The people that you need in your life will stay and support you, and your employer would be happier knowing he has an employee that is taking care of business at home so she can take care of business at work.

Call his bluff. You know what he will do, so beat him to his own game.


----------

