# Almost separated ...



## MarNL (Mar 10, 2021)

I’m recently going through the beginning of a separation. My husband of 20 years told me - week ago he wants to move out. He doesn’t know when but he’s not happy he says. He doesn’t not want to work on our marriage and is not ready to divorce.
A brief history of our complicated life- he has cheated on me in the past. Twice. We’ve separated and lived apart for a year once (8 years ago) we went to counseling and continued married. Had a second child.

I was not expecting him to tell me he wanted to move out when he did. There where no signs.He seemed happy and we recently celebrated 20 years in December. 

I suspect infidelity again Based on our history but have no proof.
I am still not at a point that I want to give up on our marriage. Even though he says he will give me divorce if I want it.
I was not thinking of divorce before he dropped the recent bombshell. So I told him I’m not ready to make any decisions.

Im confused by his actions. He’s not cold to me. He still tries to initiate sex. He has been sleeping in the couch. I keep being reminded by him that he “is going to move out”. I feel manipulated and used.
I am unsure how to proceed cause I want to do what I did before - in our previous separation. I’m embarrassed and defeated. And mostly sad. 

I read some posts and find comfort in knowing I’m not alone in this. I do get advice from my mom and sister. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Inknow I have to let this run it’s course but it sucks Im scared of when the day comes that he’ll finally move out and how it will affect our daughters (15&7 yo) I just wanted to share my story and hopefully some else won’t feel alone in this either.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

MarNL said:


> I’m recently going through the beginning of a separation. My husband of 20 years told me - week ago he wants to move out. He doesn’t know when but he’s not happy he says. He doesn’t not want to work on our marriage and is not ready to divorce.
> A brief history of our complicated life- he has cheated on me in the past. Twice. We’ve separated and lived apart for a year once (8 years ago) we went to counseling and continued married. Had a second child.
> 
> I was not expecting him to tell me he wanted to move out when he did. There where no signs.He seemed happy and we recently celebrated 20 years in December.
> ...


Your best course of action here is to take control of your situation and stop letting your husband dictate the terms of your marriage and eventual divorce.

Tell him there will be no separation. He is either all in to work on your marriage together or YOU file for D. You don’t care whether he’s ready to divorce yet, he doesn’t get to ease his way out of your marriage at his convenience.

He’s either your husband or he’s not. And if he wants to separate, he’s no longer your husband. Let him know that if he’s not all in to work on your marriage, it’s time for immediate divorce. No separation BS. He doesn’t get to have you around for comfort or convenience, he doesn’t get to have sex with you, you’re not friends, he doesn’t get to be in your life other than child related business. And you need to have the strength to follow through.

Oddly enough, this is about the same guidance I’d give to a husband facing this type of situation.


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## MarNL (Mar 10, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Your best course of action here is to take control of your situation and stop letting your husband dictate the terms of your marriage and eventual divorce.
> 
> Tell him there will be no separation. He is either all in to work on your marriage together or YOU file for D. You don’t care whether he’s ready to divorce yet, he doesn’t get to ease his way out of your marriage at his convenience.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your words. I’m trying to find strength and be bold and make moves for me and my girls.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

DudeInProgress said:


> Tell him there will be no separation. He is either all in to work on your marriage together or YOU file for D. You don’t care whether he’s ready to divorce yet, he doesn’t get to ease his way out of your marriage at his convenience.


Hard to argue with this ^

"He doesn't "not" want to work on the marriage, he keeps telling you he's leaving, says he's not happy (you don't say why but maybe he won't say)? You're absolutely right to suspect an affair but then, the two prior to that should have kept you suspecting. He has all the marks of a guy who is unhappy because he isn't single. The last thing you should do is maintain intimacy with him.

Separation isn't what two people do who want to save their marriage, it's what they do when they want to explore other options. The fact that you dread it indicates you want to work on it, the fact he wants to separate indicates he doesn't. 

People don't say it's ok to divorce me unless they want you to - I'd suspect he's too much of a coward to do it himself and would prefer you pull the trigger. You'd be better off telling him if he leaves not to ever come back. It's too much of a strain on you and your kids, it's also selfish as hell on his part. I'm sorry you're having to endure this...


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## MarNL (Mar 10, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Hard to argue with this ^
> 
> "He doesn't "not" want to work on the marriage, he keeps telling you he's leaving, says he's not happy (you don't say why but maybe he won't say)? You're absolutely right to suspect an affair but then, the two prior to that should have kept you suspecting. He has all the marks of a guy who is unhappy because he isn't single. The last thing you should do is maintain intimacy with him.
> 
> ...


You said some things I’ve thought myself. I feel like he is wanting to explore options and leave me as one additional option for himself.

The reason for not being happy - he says he doesn’t know. He says he doesn’t know how to be happy. And doesn’t know how to be a good husband. Another coward move.


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## MarNL (Mar 10, 2021)

MarNL said:


> You said some things I’ve thought myself. I feel like he is wanting to explore options and leave me as one additional option for himself.
> 
> The reason for not being happy - he says he doesn’t know. He says he doesn’t know how to be happy. And doesn’t know how to be a good husband. Another coward move.


I feel like I’m a smart person but always fall for his BS even when i know it’s BS. I want to make myself not want to be with him anymore, but I do. I know I sound dumb as I type this that I want to be with a man that doesn’t want to be with me. Im
Trying to make myself move on but don’t know how.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

MarNL said:


> You said some things I’ve thought myself. I feel like he is wanting to explore options and leave me as one additional option for himself.
> 
> The reason for not being happy - he says he doesn’t know. He says he doesn’t know how to be happy. And doesn’t know how to be a good husband. Another coward move.


In the married world, if you’re the spouse and coming in second, you’re coming in last.

I’ve heard people say they don’t know how to be happy, it’s a bullsh*t line without much real meaning and usually they say it just before they’re about to do something completely destructive that most of us would see as counter to being happy. He says he doesn’t know how to be a good husband. Is that supposed to elicit sympathy of some kind? Whatever they case, I’d believe him when he says that. 

You have two daughters, so do I. They’re grown now but there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to keep them from harm or heartache. Your OP doesn’t say but is seems that their well-being isn’t foremost in his mind. They need a strong advocate in this, coincidently, so do you, go take a long look in the mirror and meet your advocate. I would suggest “riding it out” is no longer an option for you or your daughters.

You don't sound dumb, you sound like someone trying to sort out a complex issue that will be deeply impactful to you and your kids.


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## MarNL (Mar 10, 2021)

In


FlaviusMaximus said:


> In the married world, if you’re the spouse and coming in second, you’re coming in last.
> 
> I’ve heard people say they don’t know how to be happy, it’s a bullsh*t line without much real meaning and usually they say it just before they’re about to do something completely destructive that most of us would see as counter to being happy. He says he doesn’t know how to be a good husband. Is that supposed to elicit sympathy of some kind? Whatever they case, I’d believe him when he says that.
> 
> ...


thanks - he says he can be a good father regardless. I feel he will be leof a father and be occupied with other things. I think he tries to soften the blow to me and lay “bricks” so when he gets to his desired outcome it will be easier for him. He is selfish and even told our 15 yo he wanted to move out the day after he told me.
I thought that would pull him somehow to change his mind. Nope.
He is determined to ride this out his way.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Unfortunately, when spouses have cheated in the past and you sense something is off, it often is. Irregardless, this one foot in one foot out of marriage that you're getting from your husband is something your kids see and are probably noticing. He is modeling what is acceptable behavior from a spouse or partner. Would you support your daughters if they were in your position when they're older to let their spouse decide for them what they want? Or would you suggest to them that they decide their future for themselves? Love yourself like you love your kids and make your decisions accordingly. Nobody deserves to be someone's last resort.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

MarNL said:


> In
> 
> thanks - he says he can be a good father regardless. I feel he will be leof a father and be occupied with other things. I think he tries to soften the blow to me and lay “bricks” so when he gets to his desired outcome it will be easier for him. He is selfish and even told our 15 yo he wanted to move out the day after he told me.
> I thought that would pull him somehow to change his mind. Nope.
> He is determined to ride this out his way.


He told your child he wanted to move out? With the same care and concern he gave you no doubt. That says a lot and none of it good.
If he is determined to ride it out, you might want to make sure it's a one-way trip. I wish you good luck, nobody should have to put up with crap like this.


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## MarNL (Mar 10, 2021)

joannacroc said:


> Unfortunately, when spouses have cheated in the past and you sense something is off, it often is. Irregardless, this one foot in one foot out of marriage that you're getting from your husband is something your kids see and are probably noticing. He is modeling what is acceptable behavior from a spouse or partner. Would you support your daughters if they were in your position when they're older to let their spouse decide for them what they want? Or would you suggest to them that they decide their future for themselves? Love yourself like you love your kids and make your decisions accordingly. Nobody deserves to be someone's last resort.


Yea I can’t let the feeling go since I’ve felt it before- that he’s cheating.

And I am hurting and trying to make good choices for my girls. My 15 yo loves her dad dearly but tells me to let him go. She’s a smart girl.


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## MarNL (Mar 10, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> He told your child he wanted to move out? With the same care and concern he gave you no doubt. That says a lot and none of it good.
> If he is determined to ride it out, you might want to make sure it's a one-way trip. I wish you good luck, nobody should have to put up with crap like this.


Yes he told my oldest. I told him not to say a thing to the 7 yo until he has a place. Because my oldest and I are already in constant confusion. I don’t want the little to experience that.
I fantasize with different scenarios of reconciliation and revenge, because of the confused state I’m in.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

MarNL said:


> I’m recently going through the beginning of a separation. My husband of 20 years told me - week ago he wants to move out. He doesn’t know when but he’s not happy he says. He doesn’t not want to work on our marriage and is not ready to divorce.
> A brief history of our complicated life- he has cheated on me in the past. Twice. We’ve separated and lived apart for a year once (8 years ago) we went to counseling and continued married. Had a second child.
> 
> I was not expecting him to tell me he wanted to move out when he did. There where no signs.He seemed happy and we recently celebrated 20 years in December.
> ...


Um, no, just no. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. You let him know, even if he is not ready for a divorce, you ARE ready. Don't tolerate it. He goes, he goes for good. Change the lock and throw away the key.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Listen to your daughter.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

MarNL said:


> I fantasize with different scenarios of reconciliation and revenge, because of the confused state I’m in.


Understandable. You can clear some of the confusion by considering what a content life with your girls looks like? What steps would you take to get there if you had to go it alone? What support do you have that you can really rely on? The best revenge is living a good, productive life where the possibilities aren't limited by people who keep you in a suspended state of worry and resentment.


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## MarNL (Mar 10, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> What support do you have that you can really rely on? The best revenge is living a good, productive life where the possibilities aren't limited by people who keep you in a suspended state of worry and resentment.


I know with time I can have a good life with just my girls. My family would support me emotionally. The finances would be ok if we had to divorce and adjust. I am not fearful of not making it on my own. Just didn’t want to give up on my marriage. In the end I hope he has regrets. I also know I shouldnt think of him, but more of just me and the girls. It’s hard to change my way of thinking. Definitely something I need to work on. 

I am in a suspended state for sure.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

bravo! don't let him have sex. stand your ground. if he initiated separation and wants time off, no nookie!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s a two time cheater that suddenly isn’t happy and wants to separate but not divorce?

aw hell, he’s definitely got himself another honey on the hook.

The best way to get happy again in this situation is to file for divorce and stop interacting with him. Build yourself a better life and stop tolerating his cheating ways.

He’s not happy? He doesn’t seem worried about anyone’s happiness but his own. Doesn’t know how to be a good husband?
He can practice on being a great ex, then.

You’ve tolerated enough. Wishing he’d live you again won’t make anything easier. It’s hard. Really hard. You can do it though.


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## MarNL (Mar 10, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> He’s not happy? He doesn’t seem worried about anyone’s happiness but his own. Doesn’t know how to be a good husband?
> He can practice on being a great ex, then.


🔝this!

You all are helping feel empowered and like I CAN do this. This thread has made this day more bearable! I’m living day by day, hour by hour.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

MarNL said:


> 🔝this!
> 
> You all are helping feel empowered and like I CAN do this. This thread has made this day more bearable! I’m living day by day, hour by hour.


Good, use it and prepare to take action.

There’s more to you than you think, and you’re stronger than you than you know. As a wiser man than me once said.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

MarNL said:


> I know with time I can have a good life with just my girls. My family would support me emotionally. The finances would be ok if we had to divorce and adjust. I am not fearful of not making it on my own. Just didn’t want to give up on my marriage. In the end I hope he has regrets. I also know I shouldnt think of him, but more of just me and the girls. It’s hard to change my way of thinking. Definitely something I need to work on.
> 
> I am in a suspended state for sure.


You aren’t giving up on your marriage - he already gave up. Better to acknowledge what it already is - over.

Why would you have sex with someone who tells you they intend to divorce you? Don’t do that!

File yourself - for divorce. He shouldn’t be putting you in limbo with a “separation”. That’s him wanting to have you as his backup plan - in case it doesn’t work out with his OW.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She hasn't been here in seven (7) months.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you want to know who his shiny new girlfriend is go online and check your phone bill.
Beijing his chump won’t get you a thing.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)




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