# Hello everyone!



## Iam_Me (Mar 2, 2020)

I am new to the forums and really just looking for a little bit of outside perspective. I am a 34 and have been married nearly 17 years we have two children that are 15 and 8. My husband has always been very controlling and I'm the type of person that just wants to avoid confrontation so I agree and go along, that is what I have done for years. I haven't worn makeup since the day we got married, I have no friends, I have very little family that I'm allowed to see or talk to and no job. I am not allowed to go anywhere without my husband or his mother other than I can take my daughter to school but I have to go straight there and back and if I'm a minute later than usual I am bombarded with questions about why and he knows because he has motion sensing cameras around the entire house that he can access from his cellphone. He thinks that because he doesn't go anywhere without me, because he is happy not having friends or family that I should be too. For years I was constantly told if I wasn't happy living the life he was providing, he would just find someone who was because anyone would love to be in my position. He is also very jealous of our children, he wants all of my attention all of the time if one of our children needs me I am ignoring him and they are being selfish. Such as if I walk in the kitchen and my 15 year old son comes out of his room into the kitchen, my husband will yell from the other room "What the hell do you want, she can't even walk into the kitchen without someone wanting something, quit bothering her." My kids have been witness to many instances of my husband calling me an idiot, yelling at me because for instance we were in a crowded parking lot and I was trying to pull into a tight spot and my tire touched the curb, or i forgot to get HIS cellphone before we left the house so we had to turn around and go back.

Recently though we had a huge argument and I told him I wanted a divorce, he backed me in a corner and bear hugged me telling me that he can't live without me and he knows neither of us could ever be happy apart from each other and that I would be destroying my children's lives. I told him I wasn't happy and that I could never be happy to which he said he'd rather have me here unhappy than not have me at all. He has been looking up Bible verses and telling me that marriage is forever and I need to just accept my role and put him first that I shouldn't be so selfish. I've tried twice in the last month and a half to tell him I want a divorce but both times he grabs me and squeezes me telling me he can't live without me, crying telling me he loves me so much and always has. I am scared of what he might do if I try to leave again, the last time he told me I might as well shoot him if I leave, he has a shotgun hanging on the wall and with the emotional instability he's been showing I hid the shells. When he noticed they were gone I told him it was because I didn't trust the way he had been acting that he might do something irrational and he said you aren't thinking about leaving are you? 

He has been smothering me that last couple weeks, he is constantly standing behind me wanting to hug and kiss all of the time. The only time I have alone is when I'm in the shower or he's at work. He makes me come over to him and he holds on to my hand making me tell him I will never leave him and we will always be together, that I will never find anyone to love me the way he does. I don't want anyone else, I just don't want him anymore.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Make an exit plan. Lawyer, police, family. Have a place for you and your children to run to. The suicide threat is a manipulation tactic, it's not your accountability to get him not to do it (which he very likely won't, anyway). However, he could get violent, and has a gun... so get out and stay somewhere that he can't get to you and the kids.

Before you go, talk to the police and let them know that you don't feel safe. That way if you have to call them, they will hopefully take it seriously.

Find a way that you guys are just gone one day. Talk to a lawyer about getting sole custody of the children, at least for the time being.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are in a very bad situation and you know it.

Do you have access to money, or does he control it?

Do you have a cell phone? Can you make phone calls without him finding out?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf

Safety Planning ? Domestic Violence Resource Center

Below is a safety exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....
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Call 911 and they will help you get away.

* The USNational Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

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In Canada: 
1-866-863-0511 (Toll Free) 
416-863-0511 (Toronto)
I need counselling, health care, mental health or financial services
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It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 


If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.


*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
​*Financial Plan*


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*



 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 

​


 *If you leave the family home: *



Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

​ 
Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name. 

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.

Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.

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Now about money

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Get out. This guy is a psycho. You will never fix him. You have been in this ridiculous environment for so long that you don't realize how bad it is. You need to get some personal reinforcements because it doesn't sound like you're willing to stand up to him.


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## Iam_Me (Mar 2, 2020)

I do know I need to get out. I think that he makes me question myself sometimes and it helps to hear someone else say that you aren't crazy. 

EleGirl - I have no money, I have no job and he monitors the bank account once a week to see what is spent. I do have a cell phone, I can make calls while he is at work as long as I delete the call history. Thanks for all the useful information.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You might want to investigate a battered woman's shelter in your area. You are in the same position as a woman who has had the crap beaten out of her. It may take you a while to get out, but you need to start the journey now. There are people here who have been through what you're experiencing. I know they will jump in and offer some great advice. 

You aren't crazy. You're abused.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Iam_Me said:


> I do know I need to get out. I think that he makes me question myself sometimes and it helps to hear someone else say that you aren't crazy.
> 
> EleGirl - I have no money, I have no job and he monitors the bank account once a week to see what is spent. I do have a cell phone, I can make calls while he is at work as long as I delete the call history. Thanks for all the useful information.


When a spouse controls the money to the extent that he does, it's called "financial abuse". By law, you have the right to access to all financial assets accumulated in your marriage. He has no legal right to control the money.

Is the bank account a joint account? Or is it in his name only?

Call the domestic violence/abuse hot line. They will put you in touch with an organization where you live. That organization will help you get out of this marriage. It might mean that they show up at your home and take you and your children to a safe place. Then they will help you file for divorce, find a job, etc. 

When you file for divorce, you can ask for interim alimony (spousal support) and child support. He will have to pay you that until the divorce is final. You can also file for alimony and child support for after the divorce is final. At the very least he will have to pay you child support. He will also have to pay you at the very least rehabilitative alimony for several years. Depending on your state, I think you can let life-long or at least very long term alimony since you have not had a job during your marriage. 

If your income is low, you can also get EBT (food stamps), financial support and housing.

Are that any of your family members who you think will be a support system for you through this?


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## Iam_Me (Mar 2, 2020)

It is a joint account, he just watches it closely. He is constantly paranoid that money is being spent somewhere it shouldn't be. 

He has told me in the past he would never let a woman "take him to the cleaners", he told me that if he had to pay someone any type of support they would need it because they would end up with flat tires that needed to be replaced or some other expense.

I have my Mom, she is really the only family member that I know will support me though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Another thing.. the way your husband is reacting... backing you into a corner and forcefully hugging you... is a form of borderline physical abuse. He's one step away from all out domestic violence. This is very scary. It's a form of restraining you and letting you know that he will do what it takes to keep you captive... yes you are a captive in your own home. You have been for a long time.

The purpose of abuse is to control the other person and the environment. When an abuser feels that they are losing control of the situation, they escalate. You are very wise for hiding his ammo. 

If he ever comes at you like that again, call the police as soon as you get away from him. Go to another room in the house and lock the door. Then dial 911 and ask them to send the police because you need protection and to get away.

They will most likely remove him from the home and give him a restraining order so that he cannot go near you. You and your children will then be able to stay in the home. And, as I said earlier, you will be able to get interim spousal support and child support. You can have an emergency court hearing to get one.

However, please talk to counselors at a domestic violence organization first so that you establish that there is a problem and you need help. They have all kinds of resources that can help you.

Do this for your own good. And do it for your children. You are the only person they have who can protect them from their father. Do this to show them that they do not have to put up with being abused by anyone.

Does your 15-year-old ever say anything to you about how is father treats him, his sister and you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Iam_Me said:


> It is a joint account, he just watches it closely. He is constantly paranoid that money is being spent somewhere it shouldn't be.


The person who controls the money controls the relationship. That's what it's about. 

Unless you have a history of blowing money irresponsibly, he is way out of line.



Iam_Me said:


> He has told me in the past he would never let a woman "take him to the cleaners", he told me that if he had to pay someone any type of support they would need it because they would end up with flat tires that needed to be replaced or some other expense.


Ok, threats of physical violence. when you get away from him, make sure you have video cameras that can record him carrying out his threats. You could then bring charges against him. Not only that, he would have to pay to replace any of your property that he destroys.

You are married to a dangers man. While he has not been overly physically abusive (at least you have not said he has been) his actions and words pretty much show that he is dangerous.

Be sure to tell the people at the domestic violence organization about all such threats he has made. 




Iam_Me said:


> I have my Mom, she is really the only family member that I know will support me though.


Then ask her. Get all the help you can get. 

Have you contacted the domestic violence hotline?


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## Iam_Me (Mar 2, 2020)

I will contact them tomorrow, I don't have much more time before he gets home from work today.

My son has made comments before, he worries about me and his little sister. If my husband doesn't feel like going into the store with me for example, he will make my son go and my son will say things like why does he feel that I need to chaperone you when you're the adult. It makes him mad when his sister wants something and is afraid to tell me because she doesn't want to make her dad mad, usually he will just come and get me for her.

Thank you very much for all the help, I really do appreciate it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Iam_Me said:


> I will contact them tomorrow, I don't have much more time before he gets home from work today.


Makes sense.

I suppose you will also need to make sure that you clear cookies / cash on your computer so he cannot see that you have been to this site.



Iam_Me said:


> My son has made comments before, he worries about me and his little sister. If my husband doesn't feel like going into the store with me for example, he will make my son go and my son will say things like why does he feel that I need to chaperone you when you're the adult. It makes him mad when his sister wants something and is afraid to tell me because she doesn't want to make her dad mad, usually he will just come and get me for her.


My son was about 6 when he told me that I needed to divorce his father. Kids are smarter than some give them credit for.

Does your husband check the receipts when you shop?



Iam_Me said:


> Thank you very much for all the help, I really do appreciate it.


That's what we are here for!


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Iam_Me said:


> He has told me in the past he would never let a woman "take him to the cleaners", he told me that if he had to pay someone any type of support they would need it because they would end up with flat tires that needed to be replaced or some other expense.


He's in for a rude awakening. It's not his choice. If he tries to vandalize your property, he gets to spend time in jail.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Iam_Me said:


> I am new to the forums and really just looking for a little bit of outside perspective. I am a 34 and have been married nearly 17 years we have two children that are 15 and 8. My husband has always been very controlling and I'm the type of person that just wants to avoid confrontation so I agree and go along, that is what I have done for years. I haven't worn makeup since the day we got married, I have no friends, I have very little family that I'm allowed to see or talk to and no job. I am not allowed to go anywhere without my husband or his mother other than I can take my daughter to school but I have to go straight there and back and if I'm a minute later than usual I am bombarded with questions about why and he knows because he has motion sensing cameras around the entire house that he can access from his cellphone. He thinks that because he doesn't go anywhere without me, because he is happy not having friends or family that I should be too. For years I was constantly told if I wasn't happy living the life he was providing, he would just find someone who was because anyone would love to be in my position. He is also very jealous of our children, he wants all of my attention all of the time if one of our children needs me I am ignoring him and they are being selfish. Such as if I walk in the kitchen and my 15 year old son comes out of his room into the kitchen, my husband will yell from the other room "What the hell do you want, she can't even walk into the kitchen without someone wanting something, quit bothering her." My kids have been witness to many instances of my husband calling me an idiot, yelling at me because for instance we were in a crowded parking lot and I was trying to pull into a tight spot and my tire touched the curb, or i forgot to get HIS cellphone before we left the house so we had to turn around and go back.
> 
> Recently though we had a huge argument and I told him I wanted a divorce, he backed me in a corner and bear hugged me telling me that he can't live without me and he knows neither of us could ever be happy apart from each other and that I would be destroying my children's lives. I told him I wasn't happy and that I could never be happy to which he said he'd rather have me here unhappy than not have me at all. He has been looking up Bible verses and telling me that marriage is forever and I need to just accept my role and put him first that I shouldn't be so selfish. I've tried twice in the last month and a half to tell him I want a divorce but both times he grabs me and squeezes me telling me he can't live without me, crying telling me he loves me so much and always has. I am scared of what he might do if I try to leave again, the last time he told me I might as well shoot him if I leave, he has a shotgun hanging on the wall and with the emotional instability he's been showing I hid the shells. When he noticed they were gone I told him it was because I didn't trust the way he had been acting that he might do something irrational and he said you aren't thinking about leaving are you?
> 
> He has been smothering me that last couple weeks, he is constantly standing behind me wanting to hug and kiss all of the time. The only time I have alone is when I'm in the shower or he's at work. He makes me come over to him and he holds on to my hand making me tell him I will never leave him and we will always be together, that I will never find anyone to love me the way he does. I don't want anyone else, I just don't want him anymore.


What a ass, dump the nut he deserves nothing from you. And your right to be concerned.


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## Iam_Me (Mar 2, 2020)

I contacted the Domestic Violence Hotline this morning and they gave me the information for a local DV program. I have also spoke with my Mom and she has offered for myself and my children to stay with her until we can get a place of our own.


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