# feels like mixed signals



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I wanted to throw this out to everyone to get their opinion. It feels like I'm getting mixed signals. The last six months my stbxw was going through figuring out if she loved me or not. December 12th she told me she wanted a divorce. We have two small children. Since she does in home daycare I said I would move out of the house. We filed the petition for divorce last Tuesday. The whole time she told me she still wants to be friends, etc. Last Saturday I discovered evidence of an EA in the form of a card that her "just friend" person gave her. The last week and a half I've been limiting my contact to her with regards to the children, legal stuff, etc. I've noticed that while I've been pulling away she has been calling more frequently to talk at night, even after I've already talked with the kids. She tried calling me last night, I didn't answer. I know it wasn't about the kids because she didn't leave a voicemail. This morning after I talked with the kids before school she got on the phone to talk. She asked me "why am I avoiding her calls". I told her I wasn't. She said she knows me better than anyone. She said "I don't care if you are avoiding my calls, I just want to know why." Hello, are you serious. You can't figure out why I dont want to talk to you. You cut my heart into a thousand pieces. Why don't you talk to your "Just Friend'. Oh yeah you can't because you have to pretend to act all tough. I think because she has seen me pulling away the last week and a half, standing on my own two feet, not chasing after her, it's scaring her. She always calls late at night when she has no one else to talk to you. It's like she is drowning and grasping at straws. I don't know how to think of this, other than laugh. What do you all think?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

proudwidaddy said:


> think because she has seen me pulling away the last week and a half, standing on my own two feet, not chasing after her, it's scaring her.


It is, and it is also empowering you. She elected to not be your wife any more. She is your STBX. Inform her that you are not interested in keeping a friendship up. You will be cordial in discussing the separation/divorce, kids and finances, but that's it. If you are looking for R this may push her in that direction. If not fine. But either way this helps you build confidence, have a sense of control and will allow you to make better decisions and move on if need be. Good luck.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I know it's not my concern but I feel like if I'm not there to talk with her about these trivial things, then she is going to hit rock bottom, and I worry for my kids when her pillars fall away


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

proudwidaddy said:


> I know it's not my concern but I feel like if I'm not there to talk with her about these trivial things, then she is going to hit rock bottom, and I worry for my kids when her pillars fall away


She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. She's going to have to sooner or later. Plus it is evident to you that she already has a "friend" for support mode. Let her go there for support, but don't attack the friend. You be there as the "pillar" for your kids. They should have all your emotional support, not your STBX.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

That's the thing, she can't really talk to her "friend" because with him she is trying to show that this is truly what she wants. I don't think she can show weakness to her "friend" because then he might not want to be around her.


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## WhyinSC (Dec 16, 2011)

If you continue to emotionally support her while separated all you are accomplishing is HELPING her transistion into her new life... in other words = Fail.

You want her to hit rock bottom....Take care of your kids yourself. Cut her off. Make her see what she lost.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is she aware that you know of this EA? tell her the truth. no need to lie. just makes you look weak if you lie. you have nothing to lose anyway


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

proudwidaddy said:


> That's the thing, she can't really talk to her "friend" because with him she is trying to show that this is truly what she wants. I don't think she can show weakness to her "friend" because then he might not want to be around her.



Then she it using you to enable her affair. Cut her off, you are not her emotional net anymore.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I feel like as being the dumped person, taking the high road, that I'm experiencing more pain in all of this. She is not the person I knew before. I just wish that this was causing her pain. Somewhere in the darkness of the night, that she would drop to rock bottom.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Stop emotionally propping her up and she'll get there.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Since we were together for 11 years it is so tough for me to get the information from my head to my heart that she has moved on. I think it is so tough because of her still trying to reach out, talk to me like we are good. Since we have two children it's tough to be the "man" I need to in order to stand up to her. I just wish that this "new" person would go away and the "old" person would come back. I can't understand why, how she can lie to herself and think what she is doing is okay.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Proudwidaddy,
My marriage lasted 10 years, after 16 years of being together. We have one girl, who just turned 10. 
Rest assured you are being given the "save face" mask. 
"Lets be so nice and friendly, because honestly I'm a skank that cheated on my husband"....
And EVERY move, EVERY thought, EVERY discussion, is in one way or another a means with which to justify her actions, and validate herself, even when nothing could.
DONT BE USED. As some people are so deeply instilled with the capacity to manipulate, even when they themselves arent very intelligent, they dont even know they are being manipulative.
It just serves that "cushion" should she fall flat on her a$$, she has the one caring individual in this world to fall back on, you!

I know what you mean by wishing the old person would come back. 
I dont know what happened to my exwife, how a person could just snap into oblivion and become what she had always despised.
Apparently now, shes also a fan of music she used to completely hate when she was with me. She couldnt STAND to listen to country music. But because her new dooshbag boyfriend likes it, she amazingly has developed an interest in it...

Ahh. its sickening and perverse.
Watching them twist themselves into complete pieces of sh!t just to get their new flame's approval, attempting to become what they arent, when two weeks ago they would chew you a new assshole for attempting to please them.

To watch my ex literally change into an entirely new person with new tastes and new interests in music and style they never had before, all for the pure sake of getting her new man to like her, to have something more in common with him.. 
All for the pure sake of validating her decisions to destroy her family, and make it "the right thing to have done" in her own eyes.

It wont take much either. He could fart her general direction and she would take that as proof that he's interested.
Its sad to see her regress into that.
But I dont care anymore. I wiped what she was off of my shoes at the front door of the old house.


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## KatiezMomma (Nov 17, 2011)

PD and Shoo, I am in the exact same place as you. My WH is doing the same thing, changing to be exactly what the OW wants him to be in terms of music (not going to say all dooshbags listen to country music but why does it seem WS seems to suddenly find an interest in it???), he is dressing in faded jeans and hip tshirts and hanging out at bars with way to young people. He still texts all the time like we are buddies and I just sit there and think what the hell are you doing? He is walking away from his wife of 15 years and 7 year old daughter with no sense of remorse but still wants to be friends? I need to do the 180 and take a step away becauase I really think I am hurting the situation by trying to make him feel good. One of the biggest complaints is that I was negative about.....just about everything so I am trying to be upbeat while dying inside. Not going to do it anymore. Stop thinking about their needs and think about yours first, you have to since no one else will.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

OOPS, I can see where I correlated listening to country music with dooshbaggery. My apologies! Not my intention.
I enjoy older bluegrass and classic country sometimes. 
Todays country seems too cookie-cutter anymore.
Plus, Im a metal head.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

It took me a long time to see the difference between my "pretend" husband and the one who left. I let him continue to come to our home, do chores, visit, hang out, thinking that if I could keep him around, he might see that he wanted to be around, see the new me and want me back. I realized that I was not being honest with myself about what was happening, and it was just making me crazy. I have put in boundaries around what I need. I couldn't keep watching him hang here, then drive away and leave me again. Setting boundaries which are firm and kindly given is not being a bad person, it is taking care of yourself. The man I was married to for 28 years walked away from our marriage, with all its good parts and bad parts without effort. I need to remember that treatment of me and separate myself from him. I need my home to be a sanctuary, where he understands he is welcome if he wants to talk about whether reconciliation is a possibility. Otherwise, I will have my life and he will have his. We will meet where our grown kids are, he will be the guy in the photos of the best parts of my life and I will move along to find a great life without him. His choice. It took a long time to get here (1 year since told). She made her decision about who she needs support from and it wasn't you.  Let her live with it


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

proudwidaddy - it might not hurt if you did two things:

1 - remove yourself as emotional support. set the boundary with her. be explicit - she doesn't want to be married, she doesn't get friend recognition for breaking up the marriage

2 - I would dig deeper into Mr. Just Friends. You may break up the EA this way, end her fog sooner. Then again, if you've let her go already, then NM on #2.


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