# LD view and experiences with sex? Q from a neutral party



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

My wife and I have a healthy sex life, so I have no axe to grind against LD people. For those with true LD where the marriage is good overall and no obvious health issues, what happens if you are not in the mood but have sex anyways? If you can get erect or get enough lubrication (either naturally or via artificial means) does it feel good after you start? My follow up question would be could some LD people actually be responsive desire? IMHO, if a person is LD, but sex can still feel good even if not desiring sex at that moment, can a couple build on that to create a realistic compromise with a HD? 

My view is if an LD thinks of sex as an activity more than an expression of love, is it a killer if the sex from foreplay to climax is 30 min or less? It's a serious question and one from a point of ignorance because I cannot relate at this point in my marriage.

Sorry if this was asked before AD nauseum, but I don't recall too many topics like this in the past. But I don't read everything on here either.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

" if a person is LD, but sex can still feel good even if not desiring sex at that moment, can a couple build on that to create a realistic compromise with a HD?"

I think so. It is in giving that you receive. mutual love will cement the bonding.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Oops.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"We're talking life-long "head rot" from his parents, beliefs that sexy women are "wh*res", nice men don't f*ck women they love, wives are the "mother of your children" thus off limits as "sexy creatures." Meh. Totally f-ed up."

Holy Toledo Batman!!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening plan9
In the case of my wife the answer is no. If she isn't actively interested, she finds sexual activity of any type to be awful. Nothing to do with physical sensations.



Plan 9 from OS said:


> snip
> IMHO, if a person is LD, but sex can still feel good even if not desiring sex at that moment, can a couple build on that to create a realistic compromise with a HD?
> snip


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I heard the words, stop touching me there. If you don't stop, I'll want sex and I don't want to have sex!??????

So can it feel good, yes. Can that be the basis for a negotiated frequency compromise, yes if the LD really loves you or wants to stay married to you. Will it always work, probably not always.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> *I heard the words, stop touching me there. If you don't stop, I'll want sex and I don't want to have sex!??????*
> 
> So can it feel good, yes. Can that be the basis for a negotiated frequency compromise, yes if the LD really loves you or wants to stay married to you. Will it always work, probably not always.


*That *is one of the most messed-up things I've ever read on this topic. :scratchhead:

But we know the motto of the type of LD who doesn't care what their partner wants: "Sex isn't important!!!!!"


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

technovelist said:


> *That *is one of the most messed-up things I've ever read on this topic. :scratchhead:
> 
> But we know the motto of the type of LD who doesn't care what their partner wants: "Sex isn't important!!!!!"


Toward the end of sex therapy, my wife sat me down one night and with a straight face said, "Would you really have divorced me, if we hadn't started having sex again, its just sex?" I looked at her and said yes I would have divorce you, but I wanted to fight to save our marriage, which is why I changed myself and pushed to start sex therapy marriage counseling sessions.

So I agree completely.

My wife was LD, but more importantly she had emotionally checked out of our marriage and was angry at me. Mostly we no longer made each other feel loved. Chapman's book, 5 languages of love helped me make my wife feel loved again.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> I heard the words, stop touching me there. *If you don't stop, I'll want sex and I don't want to have sex!??????*
> 
> So can it feel good, yes. Can that be the basis for a negotiated frequency compromise, yes if the LD really loves you or wants to stay married to you. Will it always work, probably not always.


:rofl: Believe it or not, I can relate. Last weekend for example. We had sex earlier in the day and then later in the evening I was caressing my wife as we laid in bed and she got really hot and we had a second round that night - more intense than the first round. Because we did it twice, she was feeling sore in her feminine area. Then she "chastised" me for getting her in the mode and having sex 2 times in one day. Granted she wasn't pissed and we joked about it some, but I let her know that I'll always look for an opening to make love if I see an opportunity. 

Bottom line is yes, I have experienced something like this so I can relate on that front. But with context being everything, my experience with it is/was very different than yours. As you pointed out in a follow up post, her LD was actually being trumped by her resentment of you, so she wanted to maintain that grudge so that she didn't want to make love because of that. If she would have, then perhaps her feelings would have softened towards you enough that maybe that long overdue conversation to deal with her resentments against you could have been dealt with.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> Toward the end of sex therapy, my wife sat me down one night and with a straight face said, "Would you really have divorced me, if we hadn't started having sex again, its just sex?" I looked at her and said yes I would have divorce you, but *I wanted to fight to save our marriage, which is why I changed myself* and pushed to start sex therapy marriage counseling sessions.
> 
> So I agree completely.
> 
> *My wife was LD, but more importantly she had emotionally checked out of our marriage and was angry at me.* Mostly we no longer made each other feel loved. Chapman's book, 5 languages of love helped me make my wife feel loved again.


I find this post very interesting and enlightening. In many cases on SIM - the threat of a marriage on the brink inspires the offending spouse to make drastic changes during the 11th hour in order to stave off disaster. While one could conclude you gave your wife the ultimatum, the tables were equally turned on you as well. You too grasped that you were at the brink and the behaviors that you were engaged in that destroyed intimacy were radically dealt with by you during the 11th hour.

I'll repeat one of my beliefs that intimacy in and of itself is rarely the root cause of a bad marriage but a symptom. To me, the concept of LD is rarely the cause of marital problems but a symptom of some other underlying causes.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I find this post very interesting and enlightening. In many cases on SIM - the threat of a marriage on the brink inspires the offending spouse to make drastic changes during the 11th hour in order to stave off disaster. While one could conclude you gave your wife the ultimatum, the tables were equally turned on you as well. You too grasped that you were at the brink and the behaviors that you were engaged in that destroyed intimacy were radically dealt with by you during the 11th hour.
> 
> *I'll repeat one of my beliefs that intimacy in and of itself is rarely the root cause of a bad marriage but a symptom. To me, the concept of LD is rarely the cause of marital problems but a symptom of some other underlying causes.*




I think so. Not always, but very often.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> [/B]
> 
> I think so. Not always, but very often.


No doubt. While LD is a condition, it is not the boogeyman that people think it is. This won't make be popular, but if you can "own your sh!t", the probability of your spouse still being LD is fairly low.

Without numbers, I believe that to be the case since when you apply actual stats to people's libido's from various studies, there appears to be a probability distribution that typically shows that people want sex on a fairly regular and fairly frequent basis. Age plays a role in this as well, but I think enough data is out there to confidently state that LD is abnormal (within the context of statistics) and that a spouse is not giving the goods most likely because of a libido killers as opposed to the natural state of his/her libido.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

There's always the outliers. I was with a woman so mean that after telling her how good she looked, she would taunt me that I would never see her tits (am I allowed to say that?) again in my life!

was this a symptom of greater problems? you better believe it!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> There's always the outliers. I was with a woman so mean that after telling her how good she looked, she would taunt me that I would never see her *tits* (am I allowed to say that?) again in my life!
> 
> was this a symptom of greater problems? you better believe it!


Yes, yes you are.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I now know that my LD wife is very much responsive desire, and that when we do have sex, she gets into it and enjoys it (immensely in many cases).

We also seem to have reached a somewhat unspoken compromise recently, where she is being more open to sex (not quite initiating, per se, but making it clear she's willing).

My ex wife was more in the other camp, in that she was not truly LD on her own, but rather LD because of how she viewed me. For every time that she seemed to be at least somewhat into it with me, there were 3 or 4 "make it quick" or "we have 5 minutes" sessions, and she'd just go through the motions. Clothes off, lie on the bed. Straight up duty sex, me using her to get off. Once, maybe twice, a month she'd initiate or at least seem like she was into it (different positions, a little more foreplay, etc.)

I'm still having the same amount of sex with my wife than I had with my ex wife, but the dynamic is a helluva lot different.

Tits.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

My LD wife only ever wanted sex on her terms. That is, when SHE felt horny....I was expected to rub/scratch her back then she would mount me and enjoy it.

If I ever tried to prolong it by trying to introduce foreplay etc she would lose interest. If I ever tried to instigate I would be rejected 9 times out of 10.
I lost complete and utter interest in her....to the point that I simply cannot manage an erection with her now (of course its all my fault) and I probably couldn't manage one with Jennifer Aniston either. That is the amount of damage she has caused.

We went to MC but when the importance of sex in a marriage cam up she stopped going saying she just wasnt interested in it.

Whatever 'type' of LD you are, you have to accept the consequences.....your spouse distancing him/herself, having either a EA or PA etc.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

askari said:


> My LD wife only ever wanted sex on her terms. That is, when SHE felt horny....I was expected to rub/scratch her back then she would mount me and enjoy it.
> 
> If I ever tried to prolong it by trying to introduce foreplay etc she would lose interest. If I ever tried to instigate I would be rejected 9 times out of 10.
> I lost complete and utter interest in her....to the point that I simply cannot manage an erection with her now (of course its all my fault) and I probably couldn't manage one with Jennifer Aniston either. That is the amount of damage she has caused.
> ...


Yes, and always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

askari said:


> My LD wife only ever wanted sex on her terms. That is, when SHE felt horny....I was expected to rub/scratch her back then she would mount me and enjoy it.
> 
> That sounds pretty cool
> 
> ...


Yes, the seeds of marriage decay. tragic


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I am coming to the conclusion that you will never convince a true LD to provide you the sex life you want. I've sort of known this for a long time, but really the choices are:

Leave
Cheat
Live like a Monk / Nun

Its up to you which you choose - but often there is no fix. There is nothing you can do or not to that will give you a good sex life with your current partner.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> I am coming to the conclusion that you will never *convince *a true LD to *provide *you the sex life you want. I've sort of known this for a long time, but really the choices are:


No because that does not solve the root of whatever the issue is.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

technovelist said:


> Yes, and always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"


It isn't. To him or her. Who owns what is "important"?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

askari said:


> I lost complete and utter interest in her....to the point that I simply cannot manage an erection with her now (of course its all my fault) and I probably couldn't manage one with Jennifer Aniston either. That is the amount of damage she has caused.....


I am usually very pro-marriage and anti-cheating. 

Guy, get yourself to either a sex therapist to talk about your ED problems, which you seem to feel are emotional based.

Also go to a medical doctor to get a complete physical so you know if you have any ED physical issues. Heart disease, diabetes, low T, etc.

Now, the surprise suggestion. Go find a nice rub & tug massage parlor, the kind that provide happy endings. See if a skilled massuse can cure your mental problem of "I probably couldn't manage an errection with some hollywood starlet." You need a real change in confidence. I recommend the sex therapist and physician, but if you don't .....try the rub & tug.


Good luck.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Unfortunately sometimes the root issue is that the HD wants sex and the LD does not - not with anyone, not under any conditions. (or at least not as often as the HD wants it).





NobodySpecial said:


> No because that does not solve the root of whatever the issue is.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Unfortunately sometimes the root issue is that the HD wants sex and the LD does not - not with anyone, not under any conditions. (or at least not as often as the HD wants it).


So.... here's the thing. And this is going to be one unpopular opinion. Before getting married I would go years without. My va jay jay did not fall off. I didn't die. I did not walk around moaning I am DESPERATE. Etc. Why is a HD partner's desire for more assumed to somehow trump the LD partners desire for not more? Assuming it is actually happening that is.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> It isn't. To him or her. Who owns what is "important"?


I think you are missing the import of the three !!! at the end of the motto...


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> So.... here's the thing. And this is going to be one unpopular opinion. Before getting married I would go years without. My va jay jay did not fall off. I didn't die. I did not walk around moaning I am DESPERATE. Etc. Why is a HD partner's desire for more assumed to somehow trump the LD partners desire for not more? Assuming it is actually happening that is.


Assuming that the LD spouse told the HD spouse the truth about his/her lack of interest in sex *before* the wedding, I see no problem with this.

Of course, this never happens, because the probability that the HD spouse would actually go through with the wedding after hearing that information is zero. HDs are just *not* going to get married without expecting frequent sex.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening nobodyspecial
It doesn't trump it. The LD person chooses because forcing sex on an unwilling partner is rape. 

The LD has control over how often sex happens. The HD can attempt to convince the LD, or can divorce. 

In fact that dynamic is part of the problem. The LD completely controls the sex life because the HD is typically happy with anything anytime. 

I think the LDs cannot really understand how miserable HDs are without sex any more than HDs can understand why LDs can't just happily do it for their partners' sake. 




NobodySpecial said:


> So.... here's the thing. And this is going to be one unpopular opinion. Before getting married I would go years without. My va jay jay did not fall off. I didn't die. I did not walk around moaning I am DESPERATE. Etc. Why is a HD partner's desire for more assumed to somehow trump the LD partners desire for not more? Assuming it is actually happening that is.


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