# After the truth you never really know anymore!



## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

So I know about the 3 ONS my H had with colleagues over a period of 7 years....and I have been working on my cheating H to tell me the whole truth for over a year now.

I guess I've been getting the truth, in dribs and drabs...i shut some away to come back to at a later date, too much in one go and i have to defer a bit of it.....weird, i seem to regurgitate information later  like i'll deal with _this_ now and that can wait till i'm ready. When i'm ready i regurgitate and look more closely at it!

So I tried to deal with the most recent ONS (2011) which was horrible and where my first suspicion started.......questions, answers....more questions, more answers until I'm quite sure I know the facts.......and so now i'll deal with the 2005 ONS 

...similar story, work conference or meetings away from home in an hotel......too much drink and no morals, no self respect, no self control, no think about wifey for a few hours (out of sight, out of mind) and i'll just, yes, why not?..._she'll_ never find out....it would be rude not to, hell i deserve it! Right?

OK, on some level _even I_ can rationalize a drunken pig of a man taking an open opportunity to get free sex once in a 20 year relationship.

BUT when you learn they have kissed the OW some five weeks after the ONS in an office at work weeks after the drunken ONS happened......*whilst sober*, then what do you think?

Ok, he was honest in telling me this...he didn't have to.......but i ask the question 'how did you end up kissing her in work weeks after if your so guilty and remorseful about what you've already done?' he says this was 4-5 weeks later......and apparently they have both been really embarrassed about the whole thing and haven't spoken about it. So I want to know how do they end up kissing when they find themselves alone for the first time since their ONS?

How does this happen if the ONS was a drunken mistake.....a deeply regrettable act? It obviously wasn't.....he obviously wanted more......

summary:-

*His 1st ONS*, in 2005 at a management meeting......very drunk and she invites him into her room..it would be rude to decline right? he claims they had a drunken fumble, he couldn't stay hard and they fell asleep...... some 4-5 weeks later he goes on to make a move on her in the office at a weekend.....even told me he fantasized about having sex in the office with her when they were both in there that day! (nice) So they kissed and nothing else happened 

*His 2nd*, (2008) a NSABJ offer from a colleague (i read the invitation email)....too good an opportunity to miss out on right? he meets her in our family car directly after work where she proceeds to give him head and he goes limp..*but* it didn't stop him from going back for another try.....again he apparently goes limp! :scratchhead: so he sacks her off, and says 'he's happily married' ....but it wasn't for the want of trying! Intention is everything right?

*his 3rd ONS*, a works conference in 2011, he kisses OW at the end of the night outside a club because apparently she is so close to him while they are both outsdie having a cig, says he didn't spend the evening with her, they weren't even flirting, but went outside for a cig and out of the blue they were kissing! How does that happen? I ask him 'i dont know' 'i can't remember, i was really drunk' he says. 

Later back at the hotel, he asks can he come into her room, where apparently he takes his shirt off (she says) but she keeps her dress on (she says) but she took her dress off (he says) she had a slip on (he says) and they have a drunken fumble.....he doesn't even get to penetration because again, unlucky for him, he's too drunk and they both fall asleep. Embarrassed for a few days in work, when she says "we are adults, we can still talk" or similar words.....they start to be flirty for a few weeks, and he likes it, because someone is giving him attention (he says) and someone is finding his attractive (he says) and so he gets a bit brave and asks her "do you want to meet up?" and I guess she gives him the cold shoulder.......they meet up again briefly outside of work (for another cig) where they both state the flirting should stop because they both 'apparently' love their spouses'

So...what do i digest from my H truths......not that he had 3 drunken ONS, but that he actively sort sexual relations outside of our marriage. That he would have continued sexual relations with at least two of these women had they been available for it.

A marriage I always thought was above and beyond..a marriage where he always made me feel like a princess, his princess. Now i feel like a piece of sh!t!

What a big fat lie......my H was obviously not in love with me, he weighed it up in his head and in the moment he chose them over me, it was worth it at that moment!

...and I wasn't, our marriage wasn't and out 4 beautiful children weren't.

"the truth hurts, but lies are worse" - James Morrison


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You're not still with him, are you?

Are you in any kind of IC?


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

I guess I should state, for those who don't know my story.

I found out about 2008 cheat first, in September 2011.....and we had false reconciliation for a year, whilst he tried to deny anything else ever happened....then he disclosed just last month he'd had 2 more ONS.

So basically i found out about them all afterwards. 

We are currently trying to R with the truth! But its killing me.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow, he is majorly trickle truthing you. And he's a serial cheater.

I'd kick his ass to the curb and tell him to come home when he's ready to tell the whole truth and submit to a polygraph.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Wow, he is majorly trickle truthing you. And he's a serial cheater.
> 
> I'd kick his ass to the curb and tell him to come home when he's ready to tell the whole truth and submit to a polygraph.


He's offered to do the poly, and book it himself.......my point in posting is the truth is SH!T!


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## megmg (Sep 30, 2012)

No he was trickle truthing and falsely trying to not be divorced, read the other threads he told everything when first thought he was going for poly, he would happily sit a poly tomorrow and he has told all, wants nothing but R.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ah, I see. Is he helping you get through this?


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Yes I would say he is doing a lot to help me get through this, he went to IC via MC and is being very transparent. He is very remorseful, sad, devastated, scared he will lose his family.

He has said he will never go to any over night conferences and has informed his boss, and disclosed the reasons why.

I have access to emails, passwords etc...

He is doing everything he can right now, I guess, shame he didn't just disclose everything in one fell swoop....think that could have made all the difference. TT is a terrible thing...nobody should ever have more than one DD. It is soul destroying. Unfortunately WS believe they are saving us from some pain, or hurt.......

Lies hurt......that is true, to not know the full truth is disease for the BS and the WS......but having the truth and dealing with it, and trying to understand it is so very hard too. Lets not pretend having the truth is easy, it is not.

Knowing the one person you love and trust most in the world has deceived you and betrayed you in the worst possible way is a disease also.

Its eating me alive.....I thought having the truth would set us free, and I hope given time it will.....but in the short term it is painful beyond belief.

Right now, what i'm dealing with is, he didn't just have drunken sex...he attempted to go back for more...so he was seeking an affair.

That is my latest revelation. My loving husband was actively seeking an affair. That is what i'm struggling with right now.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

So he's due to cheat on you in 2014? Guess every 3 years, he'll find a new chick and them come running back to you.

He sounds like a serial cheater. I real dog. Sounds like he probably touches anything and everyone at work. 
I'm sure the women at his work that actually have morals, know what he's all about and are disgusted with him. 

How do you know 100% he couldn't finish and went limp? Unless you verified it with all the ladies, but even then...hmmm...

Poly him if you want all the answers, I guess. The bigger point is, when you do finally have all the truth (and you probably don't), is what do you do then?

And "loving" husband? If he loved you unconditionally, he wouldn't have cheated. He's gonna cheat again. I hate saying that, but it's the truth.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

When i say 'loving husband' i refer to what i thought he was.....he put on a splendid act.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Is he still your H?


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

"Right now, what i'm dealing with is, he didn't just have drunken sex...he attempted to go back for more...so he was seeking an affair."

I'm so sorry. Who knows what all we really don't know. It just keeps bleeding out, doesn't it? Years of lies and omissions. I really don't know how you and I will ever get thru this. It's like never ending. I don't know about you, but my husband is now a complete stranger to me. I feel clueless about our seventeen year marriage.

I know exactly what you're saying. WS hide the name of the ONS girl from me for a year after he told me about it. Said she was a stranger. She wasn't. She was a coworker from another location. She moved and I had found a message five years after the ONS that I didn't know about at the time that said he was coming into town and hoped to see her. I asked him who is this girl and he blew it off, made it seem like it was just a work connection. He said he went and actually never even saw her. 

All those things were lies. He did see her. He says nothing happened, but he failed the poly question if he was with her more than once. What kills me is he didn't feel any remorse for cheating on me, he tried to hook up with her again five years later at a time I thought things were great between us. The worst? The message is dated and timed. He was home taking care of me after having surgery. So he was literally downstairs on the computer sending this girl a message I had no clue existed while I was up in bed depending on him. 

So I get it. It's one thing to have a drunken slip, but to actively pursue more later? That shows no remorse IMHO.

Hugs. Here's to another day.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

And polys don't work. 
Both times I threatened I got some info, but he still continues to trickle truth. 
I called his bluff second time.
He went in and failed.
Even after that he still won't admit to anything more.
So the poly only gave me more anxiety and more questions that he won't answer. 

This is stupid. I nor you deserve this crap. I was a good wife and did a good job raising my kids. Now, what do they have? Memories of their parents fighting and crying. All those years I helped at school, drove them to their activities, hugged them, loved them... And they'll remember this crap. They'll remember mommy sad and crying. I'm most mad he stole all these years from me. If I leave I'm gonna have to start from total scratch at 41. He'll probably marry a 20 year old and start a new family. It really doesn't seem fair at all. Life is not fair, that's no lie.


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> And polys don't work.
> Both times I threatened I got some info, but he still continues to trickle truth.
> I called his bluff second time.
> He went in and failed.
> ...


We do deserve more, all BS deserve more....I too am a good wife and good mother, unfortunately it would seem my failing was not giving my H enough bedroom time..enough ego stroking time....the pity of it all is, he only had to work a little harder at home and with me and all would have been well. WS'S must be so stupid and shallow!!

Hope you are ok today x


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

gemjo said:


> When i say 'loving husband' i refer to what i thought he was.....he put on a splendid act.


It's possible for someone to compartmentalise so that they are a loving spouse and a cheating dastard at the same time.

(By the way, Firefox spellchecker thinks I misspelt the word dastard. I didn't.  )


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

:scratchhead: de ja vu??

You already posted this on another thread......so why you re posting?

I agree with you, I can see how my 'loving husband' compartmentalized and shut his dirty little cheats away in his little secret box.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> And polys don't work.
> Both times I threatened I got some info, but he still continues to trickle truth.
> I called his bluff second time.
> He went in and failed.
> ...



If you need the truth that badly you schedule the test. If he does not pass you pack his bag and divorce him.

You have not made WH face consequences for lying.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

theroad said:


> If you need the truth that badly you schedule the test. If he does not pass you pack his bag and divorce him.
> 
> You have not made WH face consequences for lying.


She did schedule the test, and he did fail......but he is still not disclosing what else he did.....this is the hardest part....R can only truly begin once all the dead bodies are out of the cellar....until that happens, the bodies are lying festering and decomposing.....yuk!

Many WS don't feel able to confess fully, it is wrong on their part, it is lazy and selfish and controlling.

My H didn't disclose 'the rest' for another year, but I feel i have it all now, and so now, we can _try_ to R, but his lying for a further year when all cards were suppose to be on the table is damaging beyond all belief.

Time will tell....but a huge weight has been lifted in feeling I have the truth, that he finally found the strength to tell me. It wasn't nice, but very necessary.


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