# In love with my ex ... now what ?



## VOF (Nov 15, 2013)

Hi everyone. I'm new here (never in such a forum before to be honest) but I would really value any thoughts or advice even though I don't know you - I can't speak to anyone else about the situation I'm in really.
So here it is - I really messed things quite a lot.
I'm male 41 living a so called "normal life". I'm married since 2000 and have two kids. I've been knowing my wife since 1991 and we're living happilly ever since. I have never cheated on my wife - honestly. We have a great marriage I thought nothing could get between us.
And here's what came up - I had an affair back in high school for 3 yrs which ended suddenly by my ex love with no explanation at that time. It cost me a lot but I decided to move on with my life and so I did.
All those years I never stopped thinking about her. I've been searching on the internet to find out anything about her, I've been seeing her in my dreams, I've been asking my friends about her but with no success. All this time I have been living a great family life.
Suddenly, one year ago I ran into some info that led me to a communication with my ex. We met and I was shocked when I saw she was even more beautiful than 23 yrs ago. We had a coffee, spoke about what we had done all these yrs and nothing more. She told me she was now married to a doctor 10 yrs older than her and has two kids.She's not working and takes care of the family needs by her husband's income which is more than enough for all of them. I was happy to see her again and that I had finally learned about her. We had no contact for 5-6 months.
Last January she communicated with me again and from that day on we have been seeing each other once or twice a week (only in the morning). She told me her husband is with her 15 days a month cause he has a second office in another city. She admitted she did love me back then and that she still loves me and that we broke up cause she thought she would be stuck with me. We've been seeing each other since then and we always have a great time, we laugh, we share things. Yet she never allowed me to kiss her or do anything intimate - in public or in private (that last one was recently). 
Many times she asked me why I didn't look her up all these yrs like in complaint. We even went out with her kids - even though I had told from day one her we should be careful from every aspect. At first she was more exuberant, innuendos about sex, having kids together and so on but in time she became more let's say "strict". I thought she just needed time.
Recently, after she came back from summer holidays she started not calling me as often as she did and when we were together we were like two good old friends - like buddies hanging out. Last week I tried to kiss her in her neighborhood and she said no - even though the "feeling" was back on. We met Thursday in a private space (my work place) all alone, safe place and while she was feeling comfortable and I made my moves to come "a little bit closer" to her she didn't respond. I am not a savage so I didn't do anything else.
My questions are way too many .. She says she loves me, she said she would love to kiss me but is afraid of what next, she avoids discussions about her relationship with her husband, she does have a great time when we're together, she knows how I feel about her, she dresses and treats her self up just to see me. Yet she seems like she's afraid of I don't know what.
But if she's afraid (I can understand that - I'm afraid too) because she's married or if she has suddenly lost interest in me and her desire or love for me just faded, why does she keep seeing me, why doesn't she just simply tell me "that's it - game over" and lets me wondering what to do in the future?
I know I must end this because it's actually killing me but I don't have the courage to let her out of my life once more. If I just try to put pressure on what we "have" I think I' ll lose her again. I keep suffering, wondering, wanting her more than anything and since love is a two way feeling you know how much it hurts.
I can't speak to anyone about this - you can see why. This is why I'm here - anonymous as I can. But I really need to hear your thoughts and your advice. Discussing this with my self only is too hard ..
Thank you for your patience - need your thoughts
VOF


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

VOF said:


> I have never cheated on my wife - honestly.


Well, see, that's not actually true. Is it?

You've been pining for and trying to reconnect with your ex for years. You've been dating, actively pursuing, and engaged in an emotional affair with her for months now. You've tried to engage in a physical affair with her, but have so far been rebuffed. Kinda. And now you seem to be asking for advice on how to get her to shag you. All while being careful to keep everything secret and discreet.

So, what part of that is _not_ cheating on your wife?


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## VOF (Nov 15, 2013)

Shagging has nothing to do with this - love has many other ways to be expressed. I don not seek for sexual advice. Plz excuse me if I was mistaken.
If missing your ex means cheating on your wife then yes - I have cheated on my wife. I sometimes believe than I am not true to her because I am in love with someone else. I know that and this is another thing I have to confront.
But first of all I have to find out how to deal with the feelings and everything that's happening outside my marriage ... this is why I need all the help I can get.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

VOF said:


> Hi everyone. I'm new here (never in such a forum before to be honest) but I would really value any thoughts or advice even though I don't know you - I can't speak to anyone else about the situation I'm in really.
> So here it is - I really messed things quite a lot.
> I'm male 41 living a so called "normal life". I'm married since 2000 and have two kids. I've been knowing my wife since 1991 and we're living happilly ever since. I have never cheated on my wife - honestly. We have a great marriage I thought nothing could get between us.
> And here's what came up - I had an affair back in high school for 3 yrs which ended suddenly by my ex love with no explanation at that time. It cost me a lot but I decided to move on with my life and so I did.
> ...


Who cares? Let me ask you this way. If your desire to finally get that Corvette or entry level lambo at the expense of your family worth it? 

Say one day you work up with a burning passion and you knew you had to have it, you were going to be single with your shiny Corvette or Lambo, and paying the child support and you would be better off.

Do you think going into it you would have been happy with that decision?

Unless you are in an abusive or neglect situation, forget about it.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Dude, you're married. Hello?!


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## swade87 (Oct 23, 2013)

I thought this was going on with my fiance. I thought he was still in love with, or at least had strong feelings for, his ex. This isn't the case, and I was worried over stupid little things that caused me to feel this way for nothing. But let me tell you.. the pain it caused me, to even think this way, was unbearable. Imagine how your wife would feel if she knew this. Unwanted, unloved, not special, not appreciated, not a priority (no matter how good a husband you are), ugly, unattractive, not worthy of a husband who loves her, misled, manipulated, etc etc. Again, feeling this way because your significant other is in love with someone else, is incredibly and bitterly PAINFUL. 

You both deserve to be happy. Even if you don't end up with your ex, your wife deserves a man who is in love with her. Don't you agree? Don't you think you know what you need to do, regardless of what happens with this ex of yours?


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

You need to stop with these feelings of "what could have been"

Your ex girlfriend is probably using you to get the validation she lacks at home, yeah she may be happy to reconnect with you but you both are acting very selfish.

If you loved your wife you would stop this immediately. Maybe you don't love her as much as you think, then the best decision would be for you two to either divorce or seek marriage counseling.

I would suggest marriage counseling. You cannot throw away all the years you and your spouse have together. Be strong. Tell your wife about your ex girlfriend, ask for forgiveness, seek marriage counseling and forget about your ex.

It is not fair for your wife.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

How sad for your wife that you settled for her. Divorce her, give her what she wants. Go ride the rainbow. Your soul mate will never leave her husband. He provides the lifestyle she expects in life. She even told you she left you all those years ago because she felt she would be "stuck" with you. I translate that to be she didn't want to be poor. Having you on the side works for her. Imagine how many other old boyfriends she has on the side, making promises of a future together. Wait till your wife finds out you have been playing dad to your girlfriend's kids.

What is she afraid of? She is afraid her husband is going to find out, and she will no longer be a doctor's wife, and will lose all the benefits that go with it. She most likely still sees herself stuck with you.


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## VOF (Nov 15, 2013)

Let aside my wife and my marriage for a sec. All of you have strong points there. But as I said, I want to set things clear with woman "B" first. One thing at a time.
As far as being stuck with a poor guy: being poor is not a shame, it's something very difficult and thank God I never found my self in that position. I am the owner of a strong company and my ex knows that. But that's not the point (probably). You said it yourself : what is she afraid of ? why doesn't she tell me it's not going to work and end all this ? I never forced her to do anything, never forced her to be with me, never told her to leave her husband or whatever - never even thought about it. She knows that yet she keeps seeing me. 
If she loves me as she says why doesn't she show it to me ? If she loves her husband or whatever benefits she has from that marriage why does she keep seeing me ?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Can someone please post a picture of that woman eating a huge piece of cake?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

VOF said:


> Let aside my wife and my marriage for a sec. All of you have strong points there. But as I said, I want to set things clear with woman "B" first. One thing at a time.
> As far as being stuck with a poor guy: being poor is not a shame, it's something very difficult and thank God I never found my self in that position. I am the owner of a strong company and my ex knows that. But that's not the point (probably). You said it yourself : what is she afraid of ? why doesn't she tell me it's not going to work and end all this ? I never forced her to do anything, never forced her to be with me, never told her to leave her husband or whatever - never even thought about it. She knows that yet she keeps seeing me.
> If she loves me as she says why doesn't she show it to me ? If she loves her husband or whatever benefits she has from that marriage why does she keep seeing me ?


Have you lost your mind? You're sitting here pining and pondering over a woman you dated AND CHEATED ON 25 years ago, and you're MARRIED and so is she.

I think you really need to get over yourself and knock it off. Fess up to your wife about your sneaky little meetings and see how that goes. If I ever found out about something as silly as this from my husband I would kick his ass and demand he go get therapy if he wants to stay married to me.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

VOF,

Not sure if you are trolling but she's a married woman. Stop messing with married women. Men who mess with married women are scum and deserve everything they get.


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

VOF,
you have your head so far up your a**,that you can't even see how awfull of a human you are!!!YOU ARE NOT LISTENING to what we tell you.You are a POS , A LIAR AND A CHEAT!GET OUT OF THE FOG!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

VOF said:


> Let aside my wife and my marriage for a sec. All of you have strong points there. But as I said, I want to set things clear with woman "B" first. One thing at a time.
> As far as being stuck with a poor guy: being poor is not a shame, it's something very difficult and thank God I never found my self in that position. I am the owner of a strong company and my ex knows that. But that's not the point (probably). You said it yourself : what is she afraid of ? why doesn't she tell me it's not going to work and end all this ? I never forced her to do anything, never forced her to be with me, never told her to leave her husband or whatever - never even thought about it. She knows that yet she keeps seeing me.
> If she loves me as she says why doesn't she show it to me ? If she loves her husband or whatever benefits she has from that marriage why does she keep seeing me ?


This site is called talkaboutmarriage.com. Perhaps you are looking for talkaboutbeingadeludedscumbag.com


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

VOF said:


> Let aside my wife and my marriage for a sec. ...


*NO.*

If you don't love your wife, let her go so she can find someone who does. The chick you are pining away for just likes the attention...she won't give up her doctor husband for you; you're a cheater. 

I feel sorry for both of your families.


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## whitecat (May 17, 2013)

VOF said:


> Let aside my wife and my marriage for a sec. All of you have strong points there. But as I said, I want to set things clear with woman "B" first. One thing at a time.
> As far as being stuck with a poor guy: being poor is not a shame, it's something very difficult and thank God I never found my self in that position. I am the owner of a strong company and my ex knows that. But that's not the point (probably). You said it yourself : what is she afraid of ? why doesn't she tell me it's not going to work and end all this ? I never forced her to do anything, never forced her to be with me, never told her to leave her husband or whatever - never even thought about it. She knows that yet she keeps seeing me.
> If she loves me as she says why doesn't she show it to me ? If she loves her husband or whatever benefits she has from that marriage why does she keep seeing me ?


She broke things off with you in high school because she didn't love you. She is seeing you now because it is fun for her. She is not going to leave her husband for you because she doesn't love you enough to do that. She is stringing you along because she's bored and has nothing better to do with her time. Now that you know, is it going to change anything for you? I doubt it. You have a sick, unhealthy obsession with her which you mistake for "love". It's just a fantasy. You need to get some therapy to find out why you are so obsessed with her and willing to destroy your wife and your children so she can fill that need in you. You do not need her to fill that need. You have that capacity in you to fill it yourself.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

First of all, understand that you are cheating on your wife. You are having an emotional affair at the very least. If your wife finds out, she may leave you. Your affair partner will not leave her husband & lifestyle for you.

So picture your life if your wife leaves you. Your children will emotionally be damaged forever & may hate you. You will be a sad, empty, lonely man living alone with less income. You will lose friends, family activities, money & you will not be attractive to other females when they find out that you cheated & broke up your family. You may get very depressed which can lead to suicide or at the very least need medication. Your performance at work will suffer.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

VOF
If you think we are going to tell you that is perfectly normal to have these feelings for your ex and that you should act on them, you are wrong.

We are here for moral support but also to HELP see cheating spouses that what they do is wrong!!

Call it tough love, call it us being pricks, call it whatever but You are wrong Sir!!!

So wrong but you cannot see this because you are in a fog.

Please stick around, go to the Coping with infidelity section and read about Emotional Affairs. Perhaps that reading will open your eyes


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

You know, I was driving down a rural road just after daybreak last weekend and a full-grown buck deer walked right into the side of my car. Plenty of visibility. Plenty of room for him to avoid me, but he never looked in my direction or took action to avoid the collision that left him crumpled and twitching in the ditch. I guess he was in the rut. He was so entranced with the scent of the doe he was locked onto that he was oblivious to everyone and everything else that was around. Poor sucker literally walked right into his own violent destruction. It never ceases to amaze me, what some dumb animals will do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

JustGrinding said:


> You know, I was driving down a rural road just after daybreak last weekend and a full-grown buck deer walked right into the side of my car. Plenty of visibility. Plenty of room for him to avoid me, but he never looked in my direction or took action to avoid the collision that left him crumpled and twitching in the ditch. I guess he was in the rut. He was so entranced with the scent of the doe he was locked onto that he was oblivious to everyone and everything else that was around. Poor sucker literally walked right into his own violent destruction. It never ceases to amaze me, what some dumb animals will do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
Nice analogy


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

If there's one thing I've learned from reading threads here on TAM, it's that exes simply don't belong anywhere near a marriage. It's what brought me here, in fact--emotional confusion around my H's hanging on to his exes. It was a huge breakthrough when I said, "I believe you are having an emotional affair with X" and he agreed. NOW we had some terms for discussion!

You are having an affair. 

You surely know what that means for a marriage, don't you? 

If not, hurry on over to CWI section which is dripping in blood and tears and decide if that's what you're willingly going to wade into. 

I'll also take this opportunity to warn you about your ex's H. That's a dangerous unknown factor and you are putting your X, her marriage, and her kids at a very grave risk of losing a lot and going through heck. It's very thoughtless and callous of you to put her marriage at risk. 

She's smart to be pulling away, and your continuing inappropriate pursuit of her honestly does not make you look like the smart one.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You're either a troll or a douche. Take your pick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyandwhat (Aug 15, 2013)

It's ok that you're seeing your ex. It's ok that you're cheating to your WIFE, your kids, your ex's kids, your ex's husband, NOT. Sure this is what you would like to hear.

Let's say your wife did this to you. What would you feel?
you are EXTREMELY selfish gay, you're not even a man.

Your questions doesn't even need to be answered. You know the answer. You're just choosing to be selfish.
Your ex doesn't need you to be back in her life as a lover. she needed you for pleasure, but your ex is in love with her husband and her kids that's why no matter how much you dare her with her feelings for you, she still win. AND you act like one dictionary putting meaning into everything. be a man. Listen to yourself, do you care what will your kids think and feel when they find out that their father chose to be the happiest scumbag over their happiness and their perfect family portrait? 

Oh btw, your ex is more beautiful even after 23 years because HER HUSBAND is such a good man who knows how take care of his WIFE. Thank God she didn't end up with YOU.


I feel sorry for your wife and kids. talk to them and tell them everything, they deserve your honesty then face the consequences.:scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you are so confused over what to do, how about ask your wife for some advice?


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## nettabutt64 (Oct 7, 2013)

she's an attention flirt, she's Bored at Home, and wants attention, you're feeding her needs (for now)
she will not leave her husband.
you need to be honest with your wife, and go forward with that first, not "wait and see" what Female B "wants to do"
she wants to FLIRT, and that's about it.
she probably has a pattern of this behavior. almost bet on it, and even IF you two ended up together, she will do it to you too, after your whole life has been destroyed.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

She is married. Read that. It means she is off limits.

You are married. Read that! It means that you don't date around or pursue other women.

Leave her alone and go fix yourself. You have serious issues. If you have been in love all of these years with someone you dated in high school, you probably need counseling. And you need to sit your wife down and apologize for marrying her when you really didn't love her.

Go fix yourself and do your ex friend a favor and leave her and her family intact! Don't be a jerk and destroy their world.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

By the way, it seems the rules of TAM keep me from posting what I really think about you and other cheaters like you. So I thought I would post it this way just so you know.

Cheaters and people that destroy the lives of others by cheating are the lowest sort of scum. Worthless people. Worthy of no respect. Worthy of our disdain. 

And by the way, I am not so sure that your story is true. I would think that someone with half a brain would not come on here asking for advice on how to cheat on their wife.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

youkiddingme said:


> And by the way, I am not so sure that your story is true. I would think that someone with half a brain would not come on here asking for advice on how to cheat on their wife.


He isn't the first cheater nor will he be the last that posts on TAM. Anyone can post.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

I feel that OP is hoping for the ex to have a relationship with him, that his wife is only his back up in case things with ex won't develop.

There's nothing to sort out. You have feelings for ex and she is your number 1 while your wife is only number 2 and the back up. What you want to sort out is if your ex is interested, since you yourself is fully interested.

Poor wife... no one deserves to be number 2... Can you imagine how painful it is, to realize that you believed that you were your partner's special one when it was all lies and you were just settled with? And while you are being kept as such, you are denied of the chance to find someone who does see you as number 1.

This is one of the worst nightmares a married person can have.


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## GinnyTonia (Jul 31, 2012)

By all means, nurture what makes you happy. In your case, that probably means getting your exGF to take the next step with you and then the next. 
But consider how unhappy you'll be when your wife or her husband finds out. You'll have to watch your loyal wife crumble before your eyes, and if you ever "get it", it will kill you knowing you caused that immense pain. Or she'll do the smart thing and just kick you to the curb, and then you'll have no one because your exGF will probably find all of that too messy and stop seeing you. And if you care about your kids at all, you'll want to die instead of living with the guilt of breaking up their mommy and daddy and their safe, stable, comforting home and sending them into a world of confusion, hurt, and chaos. 
Not to mention you'll be alienating friends and family in ways you can't imagine. 
It is a BIG FREAKIN DEAL! The path you are going down leads to massive despair and destruction, NOT happily ever after. 
Just a few things to consider since you seemed concerned for your happiness and your happiness alone.


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## frank29 (Aug 22, 2012)

You have no idea of the amount of pain that you are about to inflect on both family's you are about to destroy your wife and children on both side if you want evidence just read a few more posts and then will see the damage you will cause for a few minutes pleasure believe me it is a nightmare for a long while to come


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## VOF (Nov 15, 2013)

I've read all your posts and I finally got it. People who have feelings for another person besides their husband or wife are scums, worthless, empty, selfish and must go to hell. And I should definitely see a doctor for I am a pervert having strong emotions for my ex. 
Now that we've cleared this out let me tell you sthg. I am emotionally wrecked, having trouble getting down to work, can't enjoy life and feeling [email protected]#t every single day. I didn't ask for this to happen. It just did. Surely I would love to have things the other way and tell my heart to stop beating for my ex but I am still looking for that switch that shuts it all down. I don't want to be feeling like this and even if I find the strength to shut my ex out of my life I will still love her - period.
I asked for your help and advice and you give me criticism. You are all good at giving help to someone with a snoring spouse but when it comes to feelings outside marriage there's nthg more than rejection, despise and bitterness. 
If you can honestly understand how I feel right now, the loss I am into and can post sthg that could help me realize what is happening here, plz do. Being more than willing to give a shove to a someone standing at the edge is really not helpful though.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

VOF----action comes before emotion. If you continue to feed these emotions with your actions then you will continue to be torn and live in ultimate chaos inside. You must go No contact. Period. It will take at least 6 months for the emotional connection that you have now formed with your ex to be gone. All the while, you must be actioning yourself in your marriage so that your emotions can follow once the emotional connection from the ex is gone. 

It will be hard. Grab your nuts, be a man and just do it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

VOF said:


> I've read all your posts and I finally got it. People who have feelings for another person besides their husband or wife are scums, worthless, empty, selfish and must go to hell. And I should definitely see a doctor for I am a pervert having strong emotions for my ex.
> Now that we've cleared this out let me tell you sthg. I am emotionally wrecked, having trouble getting down to work, can't enjoy life and feeling [email protected]#t every single day. I didn't ask for this to happen. It just did. Surely I would love to have things the other way and tell my heart to stop beating for my ex but I am still looking for that switch that shuts it all down. I don't want to be feeling like this and even if I find the strength to shut my ex out of my life I will still love her - period.
> I asked for your help and advice and you give me criticism. You are all good at giving help to someone with a snoring spouse but when it comes to feelings outside marriage there's nthg more than rejection, despise and bitterness.
> If you can honestly understand how I feel right now, the loss I am into and can post sthg that could help me realize what is happening here, plz do. Being more than willing to give a shove to a someone standing at the edge is really not helpful though.


I don't really understand your angst. It's an easy choice to make... go be with your ex if that's what you want to do. You love her so much, go do what your heart wants you to do.

That said, don't come to a marriage site and profess your love to an ex and you're married and expect cheerleaders for it. That was a mistake. You need help? Go get yourself into therapy. This situation you find yourself in IMO doesn't require brain surgery or rocket science to figure out. You're wrong. You need to go to your wife and tell her about the lie she's living with you. You owe that much to her.

And the whole "I didn't want this to happen" is complete bullsh... and you know it. That's what you keep telling yourself. You PURSUED this. You went looking for this trouble. Well buddy you found it.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

VOF said:


> It cost me a lot but I decided to move on with my life and so I did.
> All those years I never stopped thinking about her.


No you didn't move on. 

Don't you see these two sentences in your OP, one right after the other, are totally contradictory? 

Get your head screwed on straight before you screw up your entire life with your "little head."


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

VOF said:


> I've read all your posts and I finally got it. People who have feelings for another person besides their husband or wife are scums, worthless, empty, selfish and must go to hell. And I should definitely see a doctor for I am a pervert having strong emotions for my ex.
> Now that we've cleared this out let me tell you sthg. I am emotionally wrecked, having trouble getting down to work, can't enjoy life and feeling [email protected]#t every single day. I didn't ask for this to happen. It just did. Surely I would love to have things the other way and tell my heart to stop beating for my ex but I am still looking for that switch that shuts it all down. I don't want to be feeling like this and even if I find the strength to shut my ex out of my life I will still love her - period.
> I asked for your help and advice and you give me criticism. You are all good at giving help to someone with a snoring spouse but when it comes to feelings outside marriage there's nthg more than rejection, despise and bitterness.
> If you can honestly understand how I feel right now, the loss I am into and can post sthg that could help me realize what is happening here, plz do. Being more than willing to give a shove to a someone standing at the edge is really not helpful though.


VOF, I mean this in the most helpful way: You cannot let your life be ruled by your feelings. You have to be moral, responsible, do things in a certain order for the right reasons. Be a man, be a gentleman, be honest with your wife. If you are truly not happy in your marriage, and feel there is/are better choices out there for you, tell your wife. Talk it over with her FIRST. She's the one who gave you her heart, tied her life to yours and wanted to build a family with you. 

Any behvaior less than that and yes, you will get slapped on this forum. For good reason. Many of us have gone through the side of pain you are starting to dole out to your wife. It's hell. Stop thinking just of yourself and start thinking of her. She deserves that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

VOF said:


> I didn't ask for this to happen. It just did.


Eh. YOu need to own your part in this. You may not have "asked" but you absolutely 100% pursued. You played a part in this happening. Own that first before deluding yourself further.

The fact is: until you get her out of the picture and work on your marriage, you have no marriage. So which is it: your marriage or the ex who dumped you flat eons ago who is now married to the Good Doctor?


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

VOF said:


> post sthg that could help me realize what is happening here, plz do.


There is no magic switch and there is nothing to figure out.

You have feelings for this ex and hoping for her to recipocrate, so your pain comes from her lack of green lights (and maybe also from your conscience of your selfishness towards your wife and family, if you have that).

What you can do is either:
- suppress these feelings and avoid your ex and go back to your family;
- divorce your wife whether or not your ex recipocrates.

In the later, you might be able to be with your ex, or you'll end up alone without anyone at all.

But it is this simple, you have these options. What you are looking for is being able to get what you want or stop feeling, yet you have these options and no one can do the magical switch for you.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

VOF said:


> Let aside my wife and my marriage for a sec. All of you have strong points there. But as I said, I want to set things clear with woman "B" first. One thing at a time.
> As far as being stuck with a poor guy: being poor is not a shame, it's something very difficult and thank God I never found my self in that position. I am the owner of a strong company and my ex knows that. But that's not the point (probably). You said it yourself : *what is she afraid of ?* why doesn't she tell me it's not going to work and end all this ? I never forced her to do anything, never forced her to be with me, never told her to leave her husband or whatever - never even thought about it. She knows that yet she keeps seeing me.
> If she loves me as she says why doesn't she show it to me ? If she loves her husband or whatever benefits she has from that marriage why does she keep seeing me ?


She's afraid of losing her *paid for by the Good Dr.* lifestyle. Her children would grow up in 2 separate homes, and she doesn't want that. 

She fills the other 15 days of the month, that she's not with her hubs, with you....having coffee, having FUN. It's called "cake eating". She's having her cake, with icing mind you, and eating it, too. Who knows what her home life is like; it could be all fairy tales and fairy dust, but it sounds like it's only part-time with her hubs and his schedule. You're just filling the void the rest of the time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lilith23 said:


> What you can do is either:
> - suppress these feelings and avoid your ex and go back to your family;
> - divorce your wife whether or not your ex recipocrates.


This is ALL what this boils down to!!!

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

These are your choices.

And if you do leave your wife and divorce, there is absolutely NO guarantee your ex-girlfriend would do the same-nor that it would work out with her if she did. 



southern wife said:


> She's afraid of losing her *paid for by the Good Dr.* lifestyle. Her children would grow up in 2 separate homes, and she doesn't want that.
> 
> She fills the other 15 days of the month, that she's not with her hubs, with you....having coffee, having FUN.
> 
> You're just filling the void the rest of the time.


:iagree:


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

VOF said:


> I've read all your posts and I finally got it. People who have feelings for another person besides their husband or wife are scums, worthless, empty, selfish and must go to hell. And I should definitely see a doctor for I am a pervert having strong emotions for my ex.
> Now that we've cleared this out let me tell you sthg. I am emotionally wrecked, having trouble getting down to work, can't enjoy life and feeling [email protected]#t every single day. I didn't ask for this to happen. It just did. Surely I would love to have things the other way and tell my heart to stop beating for my ex but I am still looking for that switch that shuts it all down. I don't want to be feeling like this and even if I find the strength to shut my ex out of my life I will still love her - period.
> I asked for your help and advice and you give me criticism. You are all good at giving help to someone with a snoring spouse but when it comes to feelings outside marriage there's nthg more than rejection, despise and bitterness.
> If you can honestly understand how I feel right now, the loss I am into and can post sthg that could help me realize what is happening here, plz do. Being more than willing to give a shove to a someone standing at the edge is really not helpful though.


Dude,

I have been where you are with regards to the feelings coming back for the long lost ex. Never made it to an in person meeting for two reasons, #1 - she was halfway across the country - we connected on Facebook - and #2, when she tried to bring out in the open what it meant for us to be communicating like we had been for a two and a half month period, I told her flat out that I was not interested in any type of affair and that I would not cheat on my wife - heck - she was married with four kids and I have three kids - how crazy would that be!! I think I kind of insulted her – I told her that if I was going to have an affair – it would be with a women that was 15 to 20 years younger and sure as hell did not have four kids – I think that kind of ruined the possibility of us ever meeting. I also found out just prior to our second crash and burn – 27 years from the first time, that her husband had found out about us communicating and did not like it – can you imagine that!!

She was playing me though - told me that she was devastated when we crashed and burned the first time - tried to actually blame it on me! When in fact, she is the one who did several things to make me think that she did not love me - we were kind of long distance to begin with way back then (1982) and she was two years older than me and was going to move 4 hours away when she graduated - so, when she did what she did - I did a 180 and did not look back for about two years - I had met my wife about four months prior to the next time I would make contact with my ex - I just had to see if I still had feelings for her - I found out that I did, but nothing compared to the feelings I had for my wife to be - so I said goodbye. You see, when I did the 180 - I was going to make myself better and if my ex was still available when I graduated from college - I was going to go after her to see if I could win her heart - however, my wife wrecked that plan as I fell in love when in fact I was not looking for it - as I said, I was always going to go back for my first love.

Buddy, you need to come out of the Fog!! Like I said I have been there. I see where you have just completely disconnected what is going on from the real world love you have with your wife – your wife should understand right? I mean, this love you have happened first!! Right? I will say that this is how I thought about what I was doing. My wife actually knew that I was communicating with my first love – I told her when I made contact – she did not seem to mind - though, she had no idea of the letters we would send back and forth – how we talked about what we had done in the past – my ex and I both knew physically what happened between us– and we wrote about it – really got the old endorphins going! Definitely made sure my wife never saw these communications.

The thing is, while my wife never made reference to this 3 month period – we almost had a catastrophic marriage event two years later. I will not go into detail here, but my wife did pull away from me – we almost got divorced.

At the end of the day – can you live without your wife? Have you lost that loving feeling towards her? If the answer is yes to those questions, then you need to do the right thing and get out of your marriage – so unfair to your wife. This by the way is a separate issue from your ex love. So why again did she not love you enough the first time you dated? Oh, I forgot – you are all grown up and successful now – I mean you’re the kind of guy that will cheat on his wife, family and desert them – I am sure your ex is oh so impressed!! Good luck with that!!


Oh, by the way - the only reason your emotionally wrecked is because you cheating on your wife and family. If you want to fix it - come out of your fog and cut off all contact with your first love!! Focus on you wife and family and I do believe, your emotional wreckage will heal.

Wish you the best!


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

OP: Of course you feel hurt and persecuted; advice from TAM posters comes from outside your personal “fog” and feels unjust and unsympathetic. However, many of us are painfully familiar with the state you are in .

  Believe it or not, you are in a measurable biochemically altered state, flooded by neurotransmitters such as dopamine that generate a state not unlike addiction to heroin. You are being driven by powerful, ancient urges. The only cure, as with heroin, is withdrawal, achieved by separating yourself from the things that keep triggering this state: Not something you want to hear, obviously. 

Perhaps there is a still a lucid part of your mind, though, that recognizes the path of destruction you are on as you follow your “lizard brain” on its path of urges and surges: That you are on course to break up two families, probably alienating everyone, including your Beloved (the exGF).

The prognosis is generally awful, in real life. In your state of love-fog and desires, though, you will feel driven to deny that, and we actually understand. You need help because honestly right now your prefrontal cortex--the “new brain,” the part that makes you human vs reptilian, bird, or lower mammal--is offline. 

If you were to liken your current state to a car on a highway, you are about to hit a wall, but you’re so fogged out you push harder on the accelerator…..   If I were you--knowing what I know now in “real life” with my past fogs out of the way--I would tell my wife, pronto, what was going on. Include her. This is a marital issue. It affects her. Neither you nor I can predict the fallout from that, but it means picking up the fork in the road: You will go forth in some form involving your wife, toward the Beloved or not, anyway. Your wife’s knowing about it is inevitable, given how much it’s affecting your spirit and what your seeming intent is. And right now it would be the correct action to take. It also may be, perversely, the solution you seek, but that’s just one of life’s mysteries. There are no guarantees.


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## Incognito007 (Sep 2, 2012)

I understand that this topic is quite emotionally charged but there are some things that I don't feel are best advice for the OP. As someone who has been in an emotional affair, and suffered the consequences of it, I feel that I learned a great deal.

The advice that you break off all contact with your ex is a sound one. I am sorry, but I can't give any advice that would lead directly to the dissolving of one or marriages. In the end, I believe that you should be working to save your current marriage. That will not be possible while having your ex in your life.

So what should you do? Well coming clean to your wife is not the best idea (yet - I'll explain why later). I think the first thing you should do is find a good therapist and discuss with them the turmoil in your life. You need to fix you (I think someone else told you this too). And you need to do that before you can fix your marriage. When I went to therapy back when my marriage was collapsing, my(our) therapist told me that I needed to be there for me, and not my marriage. That way, if the marriage ended, I wouldn't give up on therapy. I would still continue to work on me and fix my issues. I was never much for therapy before I started going, but since going, it really helped me deal with all these issues. A therapist can help you address your infatuation with your ex, identify what is lacking in your marriage that is driving you to pursue your ex, and how to discuss the matter with your wife in a way that will hopefully not lead you to divorce. However, if your marriage does end in divorce, and you do not fix your own issues, they will follow you into your next relationship. Fixing yourself is important.

So I said that telling your wife about this may not be the best idea yet. Studies have shown that women actually find being cheated on in an emotional affair to be much more severe than a physical affair. This is because women usually connect much more on an emotional level than physical so when their partner connects with someone else at that emotional level, it is truly devastating to them. It was to my ex-wife. Now, your marriage is not my marriage so what affected my ex may not affect yours. However, I still feel strongly that talking with a therapist should be the first thing you do, right after cutting off contact with your ex.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

I agree, Incog-007. OP would likely find relief in therapy and someone to confide in. He may indeed benefit from coaching in how, and whether, to involve his W.

The problem is that he's resistant to most of what you advise. He is unwilling to let go of his unrequited infatuation.

I don't see how something of this caliber can remain an invisible factor in a marriage, though. So I believe OP's W needs to be brought into the fight. Somehow. 

Speaking as a woman who's been there.... and has watched transparency be the catalyst to something greater than either party could have predicted.... I'd rather have the truth. 

It hurts. 

Maybe that's the point.


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