# Cannot feeling a romantic or physical attraction to your wife be fixed?



## J.Pon789 (Feb 25, 2015)

I suppose its best to give a bit of background... I've been married for almost 10 years (and been together for 13), with no children, and recently have begun to silently consider ending my marriage. As with any couple that has been together for so long we have had our ups and downs, but recently I have felt a complete disconnect with my wife, and I don't know if those issues can be fixed or how much longer I can keep up the appearance that everything is fine.


By my nature, I often avoid conflict, especially with my wife (because I feel like I can never win in a disagreement, and often feel worse for having brought it up). For years this has caused me just stomach my unhappiness about specific things and keep up the appearance of everything being great (happy wife, happy life thing I suppose). I've always known this was not the best coping mechanism, but it seemed to be working, so I kept doing it. Upon recent reflection I really realized how much doing this was affecting me. I became so adept at doing this that I could lie to myself about small issues, like it didn't bother me her clothes never made it into the laundry basket, as well as huge issues like I no longer have romantic or sexual feelings towards my wife. Only in the last few months have I truly been honest with myself, that I actually had these feelings. I attempted to reach out to her about our sexual divide (since the symptoms were easily visible), and while attempts have been made to bridge the gap, I don't think it would or could ever be enough.

That essentially brings me where I am today. If my wife were questioned about our marriage she would say that we are doing great, and aside from small speed bumps along the way that we couldn't be in a better place. I feel like I'm in a shell, not able to fully express myself.

The question of why can't I express myself is valid. Aside from my already mentioned not wanting to create conflict (which yes, I know, eventually fixing this one way or another will cause conflict), I don't know if these types of feelings can be fixed; I feel like once those feelings are truly expressed, they cannot be unsaid. I completely understand that our minor issues could (probably) be fixed with couples counseling, but I feel like I have lost the will to fight these bigger feelings... nor can i continue the way things are going. All of this is coupled with the fact that I do still love her (just in a different way. Like a family member), and I don't want to hurt her.

I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads, wondering which way to go, and since she seems to content and oblivious I find myself constantly asking myself "is this fair to her?" Does anybody find themselves asking a similar question, or does being fair have nothing to do with emotions?

I realize that ultimately the solution will include sitting down and speaking with her, but then does anybody have any advice on how to broach a topic like that with someone completely oblivious, or ways I can deal with these feelings on my own?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I think you need to figure out how to deal with your own passivity first. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and see if it applies to you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Start practicing. 

Don't focus on winning. Just say: I don't like having to pick up your clothes. 

I already know what happens - I don't have to be there. 

After she has finished attempting to steamroll you - and let her finish - don't argue. Just say: 

I'm not going to debate how I feel. I will however tell you that your reaction makes me less motivated to share how I feel. 




J.Pon789 said:


> I suppose its best to give a bit of background... I've been married for almost 10 years (and been together for 13), with no children, and recently have begun to silently consider ending my marriage. As with any couple that has been together for so long we have had our ups and downs, but recently I have felt a complete disconnect with my wife, and I don't know if those issues can be fixed or how much longer I can keep up the appearance that everything is fine.
> 
> 
> By my nature, I often avoid conflict, especially with my wife (because I feel like I can never win in a disagreement, and often feel worse for having brought it up). For years this has caused me just stomach my unhappiness about specific things and keep up the appearance of everything being great (happy wife, happy life thing I suppose). I've always known this was not the best coping mechanism, but it seemed to be working, so I kept doing it. Upon recent reflection I really realized how much doing this was affecting me. I became so adept at doing this that I could lie to myself about small issues, like it didn't bother me her clothes never made it into the laundry basket, as well as huge issues like I no longer have romantic or sexual feelings towards my wife. Only in the last few months have I truly been honest with myself, that I actually had these feelings. I attempted to reach out to her about our sexual divide (since the symptoms were easily visible), and while attempts have been made to bridge the gap, I don't think it would or could ever be enough.
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...because YOU have an issue with standing up for yourself, and you've allowed that passivity to grow a plantation-size field of bad feelings and resentment for your wife - who didn't even KNOW it was going on - you're going to now...instead of FIXING your problem, run away?

How about, instead, you go to counseling and learn how to stop being a Nice Guy and state your feelings and opinions and do what healthy people do - negotiate so that both of you are happy?

And guess what? The side benefit to this is that YOU start feeling good about yourself, your WIFE starts feeling good about you, and you start being attracted to each other again.

Instead of just throwing away a marriage because you don't want to change.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I think you need to work on yourself first before you think about ending your marriage. You need to learn to express yourself and talk to your wife about what you want from her, what you aren't happier about and ways to make your marriage happier. Keeping it bottled inside because you don't like confrontation is something you need to change.


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

I agree with what's already stated. You sound like you want to take the easy way out and not deal with the real issue at hand...your inability to express your feelings and desires to your wife.

It is absolutely not fair to her that you withhold your issues and resentment of her when she is oblivious to them.

Can you "opt out" of this marriage? Sure you can. But, be warned that your issues will carry with you to your next relationship until you address them from within and become a better communicator.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your leaving, ending the marriage over this, is your last passive aggressive act in the marriage.

You are what is often called a "Nice Guy". That's a term used to describe a person who pretends to be agreeable but instead harbors anger and resentment. Then they do passive aggressive things to get back at the person against whom the harbor the resentment and anger.

Losing your sexual interest for your wife is a very typical type of passive aggressive behavior. It's a way to express your anger/resentment but look like a "Nice Guy". I mean after all how can you help that you have no sexual feelings?? right? wrong!

The big problem with leaving this marriage is that you will take this "Nice Guy" behavior with you. Any future relationship you have will end up the same.

What would be a much better solution is for you to read the No more Mr. Nice Guy book, get into individual counseling to learn how to stop this passive aggressive behavior. Then get your wife to go to marriage counseling so that the counselor can help you tell her that you have been dishonest with her for years. You are seriously unhappy and you need her to work with you to fix things.

And yes if you are motivated, you can fix all this. You can even fall deeply in love with her and desire her sexually again.

There are two other good books that can help with this: "Love Buster" and "His Needs, Her Needs".

In most sexless marriages, the reason for the lack of sex is that the person who choses to make the marriage sexless is harboring anger and resentment. So they use sex as a way to punish their spouse and as a way to buffer themselves from their spouse. About 20% of all marriages are sexless. Men choose to make their marriage sexless as often as women do.


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## J.Pon789 (Feb 25, 2015)

*Re: Can not feeling a romantic or physical attraction to your wife be fixed?*

I'd first like to thank everybody for their replies, even if one was maybe a bit more aggressive than I was anticipating.

The points about my needing to communicate better are well taken. Its something I admitted so in the beginning, but still well taken. I have never heard of the Mr Nice Guy book (thanks for the recommendation, technovelist), and I generally try to avoid books that so heavily align themselves with one gender or way of thinking (be it pro-masculinity, feminism, or any -ism for that matter), but scanning it over it seems like there are many points that seemed to fit me, so I'll read it over the weekend and give it serious thought.

I think its important to point out, because the idea was brought up by two other posters, that I have no resentment towards my wife. Zero. I realize that she is the way she is, and I am the way that I am. Small issues will and have come up because we are two individual people, and I recognize that any blame for them continuing (in most circumstances) rest on my shoulders. In no way do I blame my wife for these things. I feel like if there was any resentment towards my wife, I would not be having such a difficult time. Instead, I wrestle with the serious dissonance of my feelings and thoughts that even having the thoughts is not fair to my wife.

in my original post I purposely avoided saying cliches like "its not her, its me" or "i love her, but am not _in_ love with her" because I felt like they would be trampled and seem insincere. I do, somewhat, think they apply. I'm not sure any blame need to assigned to a party, though. I genuinely believe these feelings are a product of two people growing throughout their twenties. It harrows me to see that others think I am simply running away, or taking the easy way out. In no way do I feel this is easy, nor do I think any solution I were to come up with would include me just running away. I have spoken with her on several occasions (experiencing great anxiety when I do so) about topics both great and small that I feel could improve our marriage; little to no change has come from (most) of these talks. Even this I have no resentment over because I believe she has a right to her opinions just as I do.

I suppose I should have been more clear in my original topic about the purpose of my posting. I would be interested in hearing other people's opinions about dealing with the problems of losing romantic and sexual interest in their spouse and if these types of feelings resulted in the ending of a marriage. Are these things that people feel can be overcome? How do you deal with these issues as a couple? How can these issues be brought up in the kindest way possible? I am having trouble answering these questions because I cannot find one single instance that caused the change in these feelings; it simply happened over the course of time, I have only just chosen to admit it to myself.

Constructive, non-judging advice would be greatly appreciated,
Thanks.


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## J.Pon789 (Feb 25, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> In most sexless marriages, the reason for the lack of sex is that the person who choses to make the marriage sexless is harboring anger and resentment. So they use sex as a way to punish their spouse and as a way to buffer themselves from their spouse. About 20% of all marriages are sexless. Men choose to make their marriage sexless as often as women do.


I'd also like to make a small comment about this, at least how it pertains to me. I am not in a sexless marriage (nor do I resent my wife for our sexual incompatibility). My feelings of no longer being sexually attractive to my wife some solely from the fact that we have been having the same unimaginative (and sometimes limited am mount) sex for the past 12 years. I was 18 when we began having sex and was inexperienced; after the initial shine of sex went away I began to voice my preferences as to how I would like to improve our sex life. All of these attempts have been met negatively and/or with no change to the same activities that have become standards for over 10 years.

Before conclusions are made about how I went about this, I do understand that I am not the ideal lover and have always been willing to improve in any way asked of me. I also understand that nobody should feel pressured to do anything sexually they don't want to do, and I have always taken great pains to not pressure my wife. I have simply voiced my opinions and been understanding of what may or may not come out of it. The only other solution I have seen is to accept my sexual life for what it is, and be content with it. I have attempted this (for years), but I simply have never been fully able to do so (nor do I necessarily feel that I should).

Like I've said a few times throughout this thread, my wife is entitled to her opinions, including sex, as am I. Those opinions do not quite match up; that is ok, there is no blame or resentment to be had, however, I do feel like I'm allowed to have my feelings and not compromise them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Can not feeling a romantic or physical attraction to your wife be fixed?*



J.Pon789 said:


> Constructive, non-judging advice would be greatly appreciated,
> Thanks.


I'm not judging you. I'm telling you WHY you have stopped feeling in love with her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

J.Pon789 said:


> My feelings of no longer being sexually attracted to my wife some solely from the fact that we have been having the same unimaginative (and sometimes limited am mount) sex for the past 12 years. I was 18 when we began having sex and was inexperienced; after the initial shine of sex went away I began to voice my preferences as to how I would like to improve our sex life. All of these attempts have been met negatively and/or with no change to the same activities that have become standards for over 10 years.


Nice Guys ASK their wives to change it up. And get rebuffed. Because the MAN is being unattractive by asking and it turns the woman off.

FORMER Nice Guys get imaginative and find ways to change it up themselves by seducing their wives and making it FUN to change it up.


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