# Is my 10 year marriage at an end?



## ForeverDreaming (Jan 15, 2014)

Finding this forum has really helped even if just to see that I am not the only person is a bad situation, and seeing so many people give advice has lifted my subjugated spirits. 

My situation started before I was married and I know that I should have walked away then, but glad I didn’t as I have a small child and a step child that I love as my own, the thought of a day without these breaks my heart. 

A bit of background: (long I’m sorry)

My wife and I have both had fulfilling youths and we met in our mid 20s, so there is no missed youth!! When we met my eldest (not biological child) was 4 and is now 14, there is no contact with the biological father and in every way apart from biological I’m the father.

Up until our marriage and for a short time after our sex life was very active and adventurous I felt very much in love and everything seemed perfect, our sex life started to fall away after about a year of marriage but I understand and never put pressure on my wife. 

Our problems started when I was sick one Friday and my wife and her family had planned an evening out for dinner, I’ve never been so sick so stayed home in a bad way! When my wife came home she put our child to bed and went into the kitchen without a hello or how are you feeling! Struck me as strange so I got up and asked if she was ok, she was on her phone said fine I’m going to bed! I apologized for not going but said I was really bad and never been this sick and could not face getting up let alone a spicy meal. She started an argument and I just said look I’m too sick fight with me when I can at least defend myself! She huffed went back to her phone put it down and went to bed!

I went back to being sick for a few hours and eventually when I got up to get a drink curiosity got the better of me and I checked her phone, there was nothing in the inbox or sent items so all looked fine, but I knew that these older phones had deleted items so I had a deeper look and what I found sent my blood boiling! She had been texting the Ex of a friend and having all sorts of conversations saying how she was sick of her life and asking him to save her from it! She had even arranged for the two of them to meet when I was out of town one weekend! 
I went up to our bedroom and calmly confronted her to which she was very upset and said it was harmless flirting and nothing would happen, I put trust in her went on my trip and she went to her parents.

I would have ended it then but we were in the middle of moving away to another country and all our plans were in place. We moved and had our second child and everything was fine for a few years, our sex life was still poor, where we didn’t have sex for months and months but again I didn’t put the pressure on her. Until we moved back to our home town where she became very friendly with a male friend, this was a unique relationship and it created a little friction in our marriage but I again put trust in her and to this day hope there has been no relationship outside of friendship. 

We’ve had issues recently and more and more I’ve noticed that we have become distant and our sex life is rare and vanilla at best, I find it hard when we do as there is no passion in our relationship or even vague interest from my wife. In fact there has been times when I have noticed her face during sex and I’ve been too upset to finish and have made some excuse, in fact I can’t even remember in the last 4/5 years having a passionate embrace. She seems more interested in her friend’s lives (male & female) and less about the obvious problems in ours. We argue constantly and no matter how hard I try I feel that things are getting worse. The lack of intimacy, passion has always made me believe she is not happy and I don’t believe she is and maybe has never been in love with me. 

Just before the holidays things were really bad and we had an argument where she mentioned maybe I should find a flat, I’d seriously considered moving out but I could not stand being away from my kids at Christmas so decided to stick with it! Christmas was very difficult but I put on a brave face and we had a good time and since then she has been more attentive (outside of sex) and more interested in spending time with me! This obviously has left me totally confused and conflicted but the problem is I think I’ve started to move on in my head and I’m not sure what to do! I love my kids and don’t want to separate as it means being away from them and this would have a huge impact on them, and we’d always planned to move back abroad and this would mean everything, all of our dreams are shattered! 

I love my wife tremendously I just can’t continue a life of being unhappy and felt that I’m sinking into a state of depression! When we talk about it she says she knows she needs to try harder and says she will try but we always end up going back to the same stale state and I’m not sure what to do. I deserve to be happy and I need to feel loved!


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

I can somewhat relate as I myself am in a confusing situation. It is usually easier for someone else to see your problems and have better ideas of what you should do. It sounds to me that she has more interests in her "friends" than in you or your marriage. Is she willing to talk about it? Try to lay it all out and see what happens. It is never easy when kids are involved but they know when their parents are unhappy and it has an effect on them also. I can understand you wanting to do everything you can to make it work and you should put forth every effort, but she should be willing to do the same. Sounds like there is not much communication...at least from her.
By the way, she is married and should not be flirting with other men.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Yes your marriage is crumbling. It shows--you don't have sex and your wife looks to other men for attention. You should know that women and men can never really be "friends". So if your wife is striking up friendships with men, that is a major red alert. 

Most women seek other men first for emotional connection and support. You probably have not given her what she needs and she is looking elsewhere to get it. 

Your Christmas gave you the perfect clue on how to fix your marriage. You put on the "brave face" as you said and she became more attentive and interested in spending time with you. So I suggest you develop a strategy without telling her. Just put a plan to action and see how it goes because at this point you have nothing to lose.

1. Pay more attention to her without it looking too forced. 
2. Throw in the occasional complement without sounding fake.
3. Smile and laugh a little more again without looking fake.
4. Clean up your look and image. Buy a few new shirts, get a hair cut, slowly lose some weight and change your physical appearance.

Don't sit down and talk about your relationship because the more attention you bring to it, the more she'll dwell on her unhappiness. Don't ask your wife to try. Make the effort to avoid having your marriage go "stale" as you said and see if she turns. You must have been a very charming person when you first met so...

GET HER TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU ONCE AGAIN.

That is, in my opinion, your only chance.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

Alpha said:


> You should know that women and men can never really be "friends".


I respectfully disagree with the above comment. There is no reason women and men can't be friends.

Other than this, I agree with the rest of Alpha's post. ESPECIALLY the DO NOT talk about the relationship right now advice, because it will not help your cause. 

Your W's perception of the M can turn around, but it will take time. Are you ok with that? 

Trying to control her by telling her that her activities/relationships with others are wrong or inappropriate, as the following posters are sure to advise, will NOT get you the resolution you hope for.

Instead, let her go. Be the H that only a fool would leave. Don't chase her, let her chase you.



> I love my wife tremendously I just can’t continue a life of being unhappy and felt that I’m sinking into a state of depression! When we talk about it she says she knows she needs to try harder and says she will try but we always end up going back to the same stale state and I’m not sure what to do. I deserve to be happy and I need to feel loved!


I know this hurts you, but why are you not happy? You don't need her, or any other woman to make you happy. Work on building up your personal happiness. Happy, confident people are more attractive. Call it unfair if you want, but W will not sign back up to a marriage with an unhappy mope who is pining for her.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Alpha said:


> Yes your marriage is crumbling. It shows--you don't have sex and your wife looks to other men for attention. You should know that women and men can never really be "friends". So if your wife is striking up friendships with men, that is a major red alert.
> 
> Most women seek other men first for emotional connection and support. You probably have not given her what she needs and she is looking elsewhere to get it.
> 
> ...



Good advice if you want to try to save the relationship. Except for the bit about men and women can never really be friends. But it does sound like your wife is seeking more than friendship.


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## ForeverDreaming (Jan 15, 2014)

Funny enough I’ve always said that Men and Woman can’t be friends, I think my view has slightly changed on that but for the most part I agree. Ohh I have more paranoia about that but will leave that for now.

Firstly thanks for all the advice on here and on IM, glad I have found somewhere I can talk as even putting on here as helped my mental state.

I’m not going to have the “Lets have a chat” conversation as I agree with some of you it will not be the best time. I will as mentioned be more attentive, pass more complements and put on the brave face regardless of how I feel and see if I notice a change in her.

To answer AlmostYoung, I love the way you put it and I’ve always tried to be the best husband I can, and truly believe that I’m a husband that only a fool would want to leave and that’s why she is still around. I’m a great dad and put my kids before myself always, I work very hard for my family and have a very successful job, yet I make sure I come home for dinner and bed time to share the work. I cook, clean and do 80% of the housework and all the Ironing :smthumbup: that said I have faults and work hard to try and make up for mistakes. I think the issue is that she’s not in love with me and possibly doesn’t find me attractive? (Not that I’m unattractive) 

But great advice thanks all, I will be the happy confident man she first met and hopefully things are salvageable. I will give updates as well as stick around to help where I can


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