# Sex question for the ladies



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

When you intone to your man some version of: "Just stick it in there / lets get this over with..." regarding sex, do you know this is hurtful to a man, or do you think of it as not a big deal?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

yes.it's hurtful.I'd be hurt if SO took that attitude with me.I'd be more than hurt...I would be crushed.But I never feel this way with SO.Our bonding time/sex time is wonderful.Not a chore or obligation.

In my failed marriage,it was difficult to keep this attitude away though.I was treated as though the only time I mattered or existed was when he felt horny.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I woudn't say anything like that. If I don't want to have sex, I'd just say so or offer an alternative.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The phrase "lets get this over with" applies to things like cleaning the garage, dinner with the in laws or making that dreaded dentist appointment not sex.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I can't imagine ever being so hurtful and insulting to someone I loved.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Well even if I dont want to have sex, I'll do it because I know that once I start I'll get turned on and into it. I dont say exactly those words but sometimes im not as enthused starting out as im sure my husband would want me to be. 

Thise times would generally just be like a stick it in and skip the foreplay type deal. 

Im wondering if its hurtful? I've never thought of it as.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If she is saying this there is a high likelihood she doesn't know how hurtful it is.

Can you help her understand how hurtful it is somehow? What have you tried so far?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Mine has said that before. I got up, said no thanks and left the room


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I did tell my ex to get the show on the road bc I was afraid the baby was going to wake up.
Other than that, I can't imagine.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I think within the context of repeated rejection, when a woman would finally say "Oh OK, pull out your c0ck right now and let's get this over with", it can be very hurtful, and at that point is the very definition of "duty sex".


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't think I've ever said "let's get this over with", and can't imagine saying it to my husband. If it were said to me, I'd definitely stop because who wants pity/mercy sex with an uninterested partner.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I get told that almost every time. Lately it has been.. "Don't expect me to touch that thing. Get it hard yourself and come stick it in." Talk about just shutting down. I am almost done.....she has no clue what an intimate relationship is to be like.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Duty sex is required by some men.... as a duty to maintain vows.
Some don't like it. Some don't even notice that's what it is.

If you don't like it, what are you doing to change it?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

What some people will do in a relationship never ceases to amaze me. Who would say that to someone they love?


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

What am I doing:

-Provide great home and lifestyle
-Take kids to school
-have cleaners come to clean the house
-go out to dinner most nights so she doesn't cook
-have a nanny come a couple afternoons a week to give her a break
- go on date nights 2-3 times per month
- go to the gym together
- compliment her

She has said she doesn't like sex, never has and never will. This was 10 years into our marriage when I heard this. We are closing in on 20 years now.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

So she told you that 10 years ago and there weren't any consequences for her. In fact she has a very nice life thank you very much, why on earth would she want to change it

ETA: I didn't mean to sound unsympathetic. But you have put up with it for way too long


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I know. I have allowed it to go on way too long. That is why I don't see it ever changing. 

We do get along well, except for the intimacy. She has tried to increase our frequency lately, but it is the: I'm not touching it, just get in and get done. She thinks that makes her doing something great. She just has no clue on how to be physically intimate.

I honestly think she would be very happy if we never had sex again.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

You get along well - but I get along well with my friends. That's not what I wanted from my marriage. That's why I'm divorced


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dollystanford said:


> You get along well - but I get along well with my friends. That's now what I wanted from my marriage. That's why I'm divorced


+1 on this! If I wanted a roommate/friend, living with my brother was a hoot! Plus we could go out to the bar and pick up chicks! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

She has no clue on how to physcially intimate.
Yet you are hurt that she isn't doing it?

I hear your pain, it sucks. But dont' hold it against her.

If she wanted to, she would.
Is she knew how, she would.
If she wanted to learn, she would.

People will put up with behavior that is slightly less than what they think they deserve. I know that sounds pretty blunt. But it's true. 
And makes it something you can own. The hope people are searching for is in them, not someone else. 

What's her motivation? What's yours, for staying? 
Everyone has one. I do hope you find yours. Living in pain is not a life.


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## Willingtotry (Apr 6, 2013)

And here I thought only my husband could be so cruel:scratchhead:


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

It seems rather passive aggressive. If you don't want to have sex, don't. Don't be a jerk about it, just don't do it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Bbdad, has she ever seemed to like sex?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I'm more of a "don't stop" kind of gal.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Bbdad, has she ever seemed to like sex?


Honestly, looking back, I can think of only a handful of times she has enjoyed it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

So not to be rude, but why did you marry her?


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> So not to be rude, but why did you marry her?


Not rude. It was different prior to the "I do's". I wouldn't say bait and switch, but things did change very soon after the wedding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> When you intone to your man some version of: "Just stick it in there / lets get this over with..." regarding sex, do you know this is hurtful to a man, or do you think of it as not a big deal?


Something like this would hurt my husband deeply/ crushingly as he's always been very sensitive to my desire...his enjoyment is dependent on it even......he'd probably even loose his erection... 

I think it's an awful thing...the wives who've only known a man's craving without feeling the other side of this .....do not appreciate how crushing this can feel to a good man..... it's taken for granted...sometimes mercilessly......if they are naturally Low Drive, they may not comprehend this intimate longing and what it means to the other....which is very unfortunate.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Sometimes women say it nonverbaly.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

bbdad said:


> Not rude. It was different prior to the "I do's". I wouldn't say bait and switch, but things did change very soon after the wedding.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Either the wedding ring or wedding cake has a disaterous effect on some women


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

bbdad said:


> I know. I have allowed it to go on way too long. That is why I don't see it ever changing.
> 
> We do get along well, except for the intimacy. She has tried to increase our frequency lately, but it is the: I'm not touching it, just get in and get done. She thinks that makes her doing something great. She just has no clue on how to be physically intimate.
> 
> I honestly think she would be very happy if we never had sex again.


I wish her and my wife would read " I took him for granted and now he is leaving" thread.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

What a sad thing to say. I could never imagine saying that to my husband. It would hurt him.

Was she this shut off at the beginning of marriage? I'm sorry you have to deal with this.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

firefly789 said:


> What a sad thing to say. I could never imagine saying that to my husband. It would hurt him.
> 
> Was she this shut off at the beginning of marriage? I'm sorry you have to deal with this.


She has been this shut off pretty much since the wedding. Other than intimacy, she is a wonderful person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

Has she gone to counseling? There must be a deeper issue here. I would thing she would owe it to herself, you, and the marriage to get to the bottom of this. This is not good.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I can't imagine a woman ever saying these words....if she does, that is really a sad situation!!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Don't know why any one, man or woman, would take this attitude with their spouse. 

Why do you come here asking all the women on this board this question? Why do you assume that all women are like your wife?

Only your wife is responsible for her lousy attitude. We are not.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Sounds like your W resents you in some way. She's repulsed and shut down.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

bbdad...totally off topic but, what's up with the shirtless avatar? 

I don't get why guys do that. Do you want validation, or something? Honest question. Please don't bash me for asking it I am sincerely curious. IOW, if a woman has a topless pic of herself with pasties and her face blurred out, does it not look like she is trying to get validation from internet strangers? Not that there's anything wrong with that, I just find it curious.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Don't pick on Bbdads avi. We all like it in the workout thread.

OP, don't do that. Don't come on here asking that kind of question to all the women here as though they are all as casually cruel as your wife. 

I've never said anything like that to my husband in 20 years. I'd have to be an idiot not to realise it would be hurtful. So your wife is either an idiot or she wants to hurt you.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Well I think he looks great! But I would be embarrassed if my husband needed that kind of attention from strangers. Sometimes just because you look good, you shouldn't put yourself out there like that. A pic in a thread is different than an avatar.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Well I think he looks great! But I would be embarrassed if my husband needed that kind of attention from strangers. Sometimes just because you look good, you shouldn't put yourself out there like that. A pic in a thread is different than an avatar.


I participate in a lot of body building and fitness forums. I have that avi because it helps people realize what you write is something you don't just preach, but do for yourself. I use the same avi on all of those forums. I didn't think anything of it when making one here. It was not looking for any validation from anyone. If it is offensive, I will be happy to change it for this forum. 

I do agree that we can't paint all women with the same brush. So, it is rude to assume all women are like the op's wife as he may have done. But, by posting on here and seeing others are experiencing the same thing, it helps you not feel so alone or weird. 

I would love for my wife to do more than duty sex. I think she puts it on the same level as washing the dishes-something you don like, but have to do. Yeah, the rejection and lack of desire by my spouse hurts. But, I do love her and she is by far my best friend. I guess I just keep praying that one day she will awaken and things will change. Until then, I just keep on doing all I can to provide for my wife and children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yeah that avatar is a bit off putting, kind of like if a woman put a pic of her cleavage only in her avatar. 
I see what you mean with a work out forum, but since this is a relationship forum it makes you look like you are trying to get attention or pick someone up....
And I know that's not your intent. It just doesn't match the personality that comes out in your posts.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Why are you bashing bbdad for asking this question? There are dozens, maybe hundreds of threads on here started by women with similarly structured questions about men. Men get painted with broad brushes everyday and a lot of you jump right in.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I don't. I find it equally irritating in either case.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

bbdad did not ask the original question. He did not start this thread.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

Thanks. Yeah, I just responded to let the guy know that he is not alone in having that experience.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Towards the end of my marriage I would just let my husband "have his way" with me. It was just easier. I was happier using my toys at that point to satisfy my own needs when he wasn't around. He'd rejected me so often and then made me feel like crap by putting down my lovemaking, telling me I took too long, etc, that I was literally a nervous wreck. 

In the end I was just turned off to him and it was easier to just "do it." Then we stopped altogether. Pretty sad because I really LOVE having sex and miss it, but not with him. 

He was about the cruelest, insensitive, selfish man I'd ever met. I hope he stays celibate because I'd hate for some other woman to have to put up with is crap. I really mean that. No one deserves such abuse.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Towards the end of my marriage I would just let my husband "have his way" with me. It was just easier. I was happier using my toys at that point to satisfy my own needs when he wasn't around. He'd rejected me so often and then made me feel like crap by putting down my lovemaking, telling me I took too long, etc, that I was literally a nervous wreck.
> 
> In the end I was just turned off to him and it was easier to just "do it." Then we stopped altogether. Pretty sad because I really LOVE having sex and miss it, but not with him.
> 
> He was about the cruelest, insensitive, selfish man I'd ever met. I hope he stays celibate because I'd hate for some other woman to have to put up with is crap. I really mean that. No one deserves such abuse.


Sometimes I feel like I might be a stand in for your ex, but I can't for the life of me see how I could be seen as cruel, insensitive, or selfish. Basically, your first paragraph is my worst fear come true for my wife, except I have never rejected or put her down physically or sexually.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

My H and I had a conversation not too long ago about different sex drives. Mine is higher than his right now. We used to match, but I think he might be low T. He is going to look into it. He is older than me, and neither of us is a spring chicken. 

Anyways, I've noticed that for a while I am the one reaching for him. He hadn't noticed. Finally, I asked, "How often would you like sex?" He said every 3 days. Really? Because it has really dropped off and I let him know that it seems like once a month if up to him. I told him I would like 3 days a week. He let me know that if that's what I need he'll meet that need. And, he has. I would think it's harder for a man to meet that need if he is LD at this point, but he has. I love him just that much more for making the effort. 

bbdad and ss, I think you have been emotionally hurt by your W. Maybe that's why the avatar by bbdad? Yes, you are attractive and worthwhile, but bbdad needs to overtly show it? I am sorry your spouse is not making an effort to meet your needs. This goes beyond just sex and will hurt you in the long run.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

I only said something like that once. I had been sick all night (coughing with every breath). He was tossing and turning so I went out to the family room and slept on the recliner so he could sleep. At 4:30 he found me and asked me why I was there and I told him that I was sick and had only 2 hours of sleep and slept there so at least one of us could rest. Less than 5 minutes later he is wanting sex. I could t believe it! I told him "didn't you just hear what I said ? When you are sick I leave you alone to rest and to get better yet when I'm sick your "needs" take precedence over mine?? He didn't say anything and this part is unclear but I think he tried again so I did "Duty Sex" and tried to rush it so I could be left alone to snag 30 min sleep before I had to get up for work. This was the first time in 13 years that I felt I said something hateful. Usually there can be times I'm not in the mood but accommodate him the best I can because I know this is important. He is HD and I am LD due to my age.

I have had to turn down (but with a promise of a date in bed that evening) because he waits until the snooze alarm has gone off twice before wanting sex. I've tried to tell him that I want to have sex it not when we're running late (this is frequent). I've even initiated early to try to accommodate. Could it be a timing issue with your wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I have said this before, but it wasn't because I wanted the intimate moments over with. I wanted them to happen! We are always intimate during the day or evening while the kids are up. We make sure they are occupied for the time being since its such a mood killer when you have a child pounding on your door needing help with something while in the middle of having sex.

I've always said hurry before we started, never during. I love being intimate with my husband and I'd be sad/upset if we didn't have the opportunity to have sex. I think I'm going to have a talk with him about this, because its never my intention to hurt his feelings. It's because I'm currently being selfish and I want it to happen. I love having sex with my husband. These words are not said often though. Luckily the kids are older and know pretty much that when our door is locked, not to bug us. Once in a great while they will when they need something.


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## new_step_mum (Apr 29, 2013)

if i'm super tired, as soon as we get into bed i kiss his organ to relieve him cos if i don't then he pulls me over his lap for me to ride. but i'm not usually tired so its ok!


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

My husband would be so sad if I ever said this to him. Even if I'm secretly not all that interested, I usually do a good job of hiding it, and I do eventually get into it.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

:banghead: I wish I could just get him to stick it in!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That is not a very nice thing she said to you. I wouldn't want someone saying those things to me.

Let her know how you feel when she does it.


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

The question is- would we know that it is hurtful? It's hard to say what another person's intent is, or if it's designed to be hurtful. I know that if I said something like that it would be from a passive aggressive place or from a place of just not caring about my partners needs. 
When I am in a spiritually fit place (read:connected) I am aware of my partners needs and I aim to fulfill them to the best of my ability. Turning him down in that way would be a hurtful act- because it minimizes and shames his need for connection.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

bbdad's avi looks like some super hero. I don't think it's REALLY him.  Wow.

What's the difference in his avi and an avi with say a female super hero? :scratchhead:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

bbdad said:


> *What am I doing*:
> 
> -*Provide great home and lifestyle*
> -*Take kids to school*
> ...


And let me guess: she's a SAHM.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

southern wife said:


> bbdad's avi looks like some super hero. I don't think it's REALLY him.  Wow.
> 
> What's the difference in his avi and an avi with say a female super hero? :scratchhead:


That is the new avi. The original was one I always have on fitness forums. It was just a pic of me. The comments weren't about the Superman avi.

It's all good


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

Yes, she is a SAHM as well. She does admin work for my business. That is about 3-5 hours / week tops.

I just keep praying that one day it will all change. There are times when there is a glimmer of hope, but then it goes back to the standard routine.

Oh well...I just get to hit it harder in the gym


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

bbdad said:


> Yes, she is a SAHM as well. She does admin work for my business. That is about 3-5 hours / week tops.
> 
> I just keep praying that one day it will all change. There are times when there is a glimmer of hope, but then it goes back to the standard routine.
> 
> Oh well...I just get to hit it harder in the gym


Why should she change? She is not the one with a problem. You are! Her needs and wants are being satisfied. Yours are not. 

I don't understand why people that dislike sex even get married to someone who is not like them. You don't get married to just hold hands.


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