# Life after an affair...



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Its been awhile since I have visited the forum. I first found this forum when I thought my marriage was falling apart (before realizing there was a OW) and then when I did discover it. So its been 3 years...I guess I've been thinking about it since D-Day is coming up (can't get that day out of my mind). So its a tough time of year for me...

For those of you going through this I gotta tell you its a long tough road. There are some really dark moments as well as some good ones. He kept his promises that he made when I agreed to reconcile and he also changed and became a better man. So he's held up his part. 

I am happy that it worked out, but a little sad too. I used to feel that we had something special, but as much as I try to believe that I think that special something is gone or never existed. Its also changed my life. I don't look at the world the same. The littlest things used to make me happy and now it seems I have to work at it. Maybe that will change one day :scratchhead:

Actually some days I feel like its just not working out that we aren't happy with each other and sure we should end it. I'm honest about this and he is confused said he's never been happier and doesn't see it the same. He accepts full responsibility saying that its because of what he did but eventually that will fade. I guess I should also add that it wasn't just a one night thing, he had a long relationship with the OW, she was a friend so he often invited her to our family outings. So you could say he was carrying on an affair in front of me thinking I was too dumb to notice. When I did he got angry with me and made me feel like I was jealous. He became emotionally abusive...so its more than the affair I'm getting over. 

Just wondering if there are any of you out there that successfully reconciled that feel the same way I do? That the relationship just didn't feel the same....I know some people say its even better now than before. What things did you do to help make it work?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

So please tell me, is this how a successful recovery of the marriage ends up ? Is this all the "yes, it can be better,but..." comes from? Is this what I can expect for my future, to always feel that sadness in my marriage ? It never is the same, is it? 

~sammy


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> So please tell me, is this how a successful recovery of the marriage ends up ? Is this all the "yes, it can be better,but..." comes from? Is this what I can expect for my future, to always feel that sadness in my marriage ? It never is the same, is it?
> 
> ~sammy


The biggest unavoidable fear/sadness I have about this, is not that it would affect my own marriage if we reconciled, but that it will taint all my future relationships with others to a certain degree, I know I will never have blind faith in a spouse again, it is innocence lost. Maybe its for the better, will make me a stronger person, but nonetheless is something I cherished and which was taken away against my choice.


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

This thread struck a chord with me. We are in the process of reconciling. She has stopped lying and cheating. She is clearly getting happier. I am less anxious and more relaxed. Yet most days I have to really try to give a s**t about anything. I think part of the problem may be that I survived the intense emotional pain of D-Day and the extended fog by going numb and now it's hard to let that armor go.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

We are reconciling also - long term marriage but 2nd time for infidelity. It has only been a few weeks. 

I have major trust issues right now and am totally insecure, he has been very good about me and my feelings but I know he would rather just have it all over and done with.

On the weekend he was asked by friends to go golfing for the day, a few hours away with the possibility of an overnight depending on how tired and how much they drank. this is a yearly trip. It was the possibility of the overnight that thru a wrench into me. I was a wreck and he ended up not going. I felt really bad about it as in our 31 years of marriage I have never ever told him he couldn't do something and I never actually told him he couldn't go, I just expressed my feelings.

We are both trying to get to a better place with each other. I think the struggle is more for him than me. He had a lot of resentment buildt up towards me and I think he has a hard time letting that go.

Me, I just try and put on a good face and suffer in silience. I also know for me that if this happens again or he gives up trying, we are over. NO MORE and I think that is why I am trying extra hard to heal.

hang in there and hopefully it will get better for you.

Clinging


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You have healed yourself and need to explore why. I'm 7 months out and I think doing better than you are. Can I suggest goig to beyondaffair.com website, signing up, and lsitening to as many of the teleseminars on there you can. The site is focused on healing. You can get to teleseminars by clicking on the seminars tab and then clicking on the word teleseminars. The two of you and you especially would benefit from on of their weekends and possibly form a local ban network meeting. Here is boat load of encouragement for all of you - it can be better than described.

Please check it out and let know what you think. The teleseminars do a lot of selling of their services but there is a lot of good info and suggestions. Have your husband do it too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lon said:


> The biggest unavoidable fear/sadness I have about this, is not that it would affect my own marriage if we reconciled, *but that it will taint all my future relationships with others to a certain degree*, I know I will never have blind faith in a spouse again, it is innocence lost. Maybe its for the better, will make me a stronger person, but nonetheless is something I cherished and which was taken away against my choice.


*Question for those that did not reconcile*: did it affect your future relationships?


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## EmeraldEyez (Jun 17, 2011)

This is a good thread, and it hits home with me too. I posted a (long) introduction/explanation/and inquiry a few days ago. Anyway, this thread...I am about (the exact date was July2) 5yrs from first DDAY and then it took about 4 months for as much trickle truth as I could drag out of him. He was literally *good as ever* well, it never seemed to bother him, other than am I over it yet, so he's fine. Me? I'm still hurting...still crying...still trying. I'm exhausted from trying to be ok, "understand it all" because he won't/can't/doesn't talk about anything. So, I'm left with it all. Does it ever get any better for the one whose been hurt, and the other one doesn't have any emotion at all about what happened? Will I ever stop mourning the loss of what I *thought* we had, and be able to accept this, what's left, whatever it is?


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## Okie (Jul 14, 2010)

I understand your feelings. My wife had an EA last year (started in May ended in August) and I came close to ending our marriage. If not for our two daughters (9 & 10), I am pretty sure I would have. Our relationship is pretty strong and mostly things are great, but I still have occasional thoughts that I made a mistake in not ending it. I still have the keylogger on the computer and get phone details and have not seen anything close to improper. Sometimes I see her playing a game on her phone or using the computer and think she would still be talking to TOM if I had not called his wife. I see my single friends and feel a bit of regret about being married that I did not used to have. No amount of time will be able to make all the lies she told disappear. I don't get angry about it any longer, just sad.


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

I am 21 months from D-day. I never got all of the truth and that is what hurts still today. She confessed a couple Affairs but I have proof of others. I feel I am still being lied to. She has been good ,stopped all contact, and seems to be loving and careing toward me. I feel like "Did I ever REALLY know this person?" She seems to be over it. Just a thing of the past. I think every day of the betrayal. Most days just simple thoughts, but some days the pain is still real. A simple touch or just looking at her and thinking how much I love her and what she did to that innocents send tears down my cheeks. It will never be the same. My innocent wife is gone. I feel as I am in a new relationship with a new person. I have learned from the last one and will keep a watchfull eye forever.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I am 18 days out from Dday, I have offered R and it has been refused. I realize that it is possible that someday W might offer to R, but am not waiting on that to happen. She told me after I discovered the affair that one of the reasons no R is because I will never trust her again....and in a way I believe she is right, in that I will never trust her FULLY again. That being said, with a 30 yr marriage going down the drain for one instance on her part seems such a waste. I would say that if R were to occur, ANY 2nd problem I would not offer R again because once is a mistake...2 is a pattern. Sorry to say that to you, but it is how I feel. I have sought the counsel of many people, both on this forum and outside, have talked with friends who were the cheating spouse and friends who got cheated on. They all say the same thing, nothing is ever the same, and it is a continious project to stay together, with good and bad days. So hang in there, what you are going thru is normal (from what I can tell) and good luck to you.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

> I have sought the counsel of many people, both on this forum and outside, have talked with friends who were the cheating spouse and friends who got cheated on. They all say the same thing, nothing is ever the same, and it is a continious project to stay together, with good and bad days.
> 
> ...Wow! must be a lucky day....Just what I wanted to know !
> 
> ...


Normal ? Pre or post ?

~sammy


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Lon said:


> The biggest unavoidable fear/sadness I have about this, is not that it would affect my own marriage if we reconciled, but that it will taint all my future relationships with others to a certain degree, I know I will never have blind faith in a spouse again, it is innocence lost. Maybe its for the better, will make me a stronger person, but nonetheless is something I cherished and which was taken away against my choice.


So true. We've taken the "red pill" Matrix style and can't go back. It's actually one of the reasons I'm willing to attempt R with my DS. A new relationship might be the opportunity to believe the fantasy again, but would it ever really feel the same? Would I even want to be so vulnerable again?

Maybe some people can reclaim that feeling of blissful ignorance, but I think many of us will be tainted forever. I'm sure we instinctually form defense mechanisms to try and avoid getting blindsided again. 

Blind faith seems so foolish now, and yet I'm saddened I think this way.


"You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes." -Morpheus


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

AZ- Let me try and understand this- there's alot going on in your threads. You say that your husband had an affair a few years back with a friend? This being the 18-year-old babysitter? Am I correct? And now you don't know if you should stay with him... two years later? Am I right so far?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Saffron said:


> So true. We've taken the "red pill" Matrix style and can't go back. It's actually one of the reasons I'm willing to attempt R with my DS. A new relationship might be the opportunity to believe the fantasy again, but would it ever really feel the same? Would I even want to be so vulnerable again?
> 
> Maybe some people can reclaim that feeling of blissful ignorance, but I think many of us will be tainted forever. I'm sure we instinctually form defense mechanisms to try and avoid getting blindsided again.
> 
> ...





Saffron, 

Does happiness ever really return? Joyfulness? Is there any other color pills to take? 

~sammy


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## dd080510 (Jul 27, 2011)

AZMOMOFTWO: I think you are completely right that your situation may take longer to recover from than some considering the details and level of betrayal. I realize an affair is an affair and betrayal is the same no matter if it was a one night stand or a year long affair. However, the level and details do affect how you heal and recover. 

Personally, my husband did not initiate anything (she followed him, offered him oral and he didn't push her off), never had feelings involved and stopped it on his own long before (despite her pleas for actual intercourse and continued stalking) I found out so my recovery has, overall, been going very well. Although I will never again just assume he is incapable of this behavior like I used to. So again, cheating is cheating, plain and simple.. but the level of betrayal, whether or not they lied for a long period of time, if they went out of their way to be with this person, had feelings involved would take SO, SO much longer to recover from/forgive, in my opinion. 

To Sammy: I'm a year out and I do still think about it to some extent every day and my husband's affair was very mild compared to most. I can say though that I am usually very happy in my marriage at this point and I love my husband very much. The amount of betrayal will often dictate how long it'll take you to say your happy again and I do believe for some in R, it is possible to reach a new level of bliss.. not the same as before, but sometimes even better because (in my situation) my husband's experience of almost losing me and our child has made him so much of a better person.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

dd080510 said:


> AZMOMOFTWO: I think you are completely right that your situation may take longer to recover from than some considering the details and level of betrayal. I realize an affair is an affair and betrayal is the same no matter if it was a one night stand or a year long affair. However, the level and details do affect how you heal and recover.
> 
> Personally, my husband did not initiate anything (she followed him, offered him oral and he didn't push her off), never had feelings involved and stopped it on his own long before (despite her pleas for actual intercourse and continued stalking) I found out so my recovery has, overall, been going very well. Although I will never again just assume he is incapable of this behavior like I used to. So again, cheating is cheating, plain and simple.. but the level of betrayal, whether or not they lied for a long period of time, if they went out of their way to be with this person, had feelings involved would take SO, SO much longer to recover from/forgive, in my opinion.
> 
> To Sammy: I'm a year out and I do still think about it to some extent every day and my husband's affair was very mild compared to most. I can say though that I am usually very happy in my marriage at this point and I love my husband very much. The amount of betrayal will often dictate how long it'll take you to say your happy again and I do believe for some in R, it is possible to reach a new level of bliss.. not the same as before, but sometimes even better because (in my situation) my husband's experience of almost losing me and our child has made him so much of a better person.


Agree dd that the extent of the affair, along with all the effort to have it, can compound an already devastating experience.

I also think it took my H getting caught, and seeing my pain, for him to fully realize how selfish and what an overall $#!tty husband he had become. I'm only about 7 months out from d-day. Although I wish I could have the feeling of an unspoiled marriage again, I wouldn't wish to be married to my H the way he was. Yes the innocence in my marriage is lost, but I'm also much happier with the man my H is becoming.

My H and I were at a crossroads in our marriage last year. He choose to escape through an affair and I choose to escape via the interent. We fought over money a lot and were very divided on our future goals. I was at a point where I feared getting a job, because I was worried I'd meet someone new and felt vulnerable to an EA. So, I avoided anything that might lead to making connections and tried to find happiness via other means. But I was no longer happy in my marriage, just stagnant and numb.

The affair woke us both up. We could divorce or try again. After 17 years together and two children, we both wanted to try to rebuild. It won't be the same relationship, but I wouldn't want what we had become back anyway. We still love each other, but if we can't find happiness together, then we will call it quits.

So far so good. We no longer fight over money, we've become a team on financial management. I'm no longer scared to get a job and want to find fullfillment outside of being a Mom. We've come together on where we'd like to be in 5, 10, 15 or more years and are making plans on how to achieve these goals. We go out on dates and enjoy each other's company, making a point to talk about outside interests and current events, not just bills or the kids. 

I wish like he11 we would've done this a long time ago, but we both were stubborn and uncompromising. After years of score keeping and living tit for tat, there was no willingness to give and find common ground. It took getting knocked on our @$$es to see that we both needed to make changes inorder to improve our marriage. (In case you're wondering, my H got knocked on his @$$ when I said we were getting divorced on d-day)

End note.... I can't recommend getting a good MC enough. Therapy is helping me become a better person, one that will find happiness regardless of my marital status.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Oh Saffron, your so lucky it worked out for you and you both found the strength and love to persevere... please send on if you have more to spare. 

~sammy


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

sammy3 said:


> Oh Saffron, your so lucky it worked out for you and you both found the strength and love to persevere... please send on if you have more to spare.
> 
> ~sammy



(((((hugs)))))

We're not out of the woods yet! I still have bad days, but not as often. I think it will really help getting a part-time job and doing some volunteering. When the kids go back to school, I'll have way too much time to think. I look forward to finding more to life outside of being a wife and mother. 

I spent all day yesterday busy with my writing critique group and then a social networking meeting. I hardly thought about my H's affair all day! It was wonderful to be busy doing something for myself. The downside was not seeing much of my H or kids. So today I was feeling "borderline", almost a rebound affect. Told my H and he's called and emailed several times, this is something he never would've done pre-A.

Sammy, If you felt your marriage was wonderful and needed no improvement, I can see why R would be even more difficult. If I believed in soulmates and that I was married to mine in marital bliss, trying to rebuild would be a totally different experience. To imagine such a relationship and then be betrayed, I have no words. I hope for your sake that is not the case, but I sometimes think it's those relationships that have a harder time recovering from infidelity. If it already felt perfect, then how can it be better after discovering an affair?

If you do want R, I'm pulling for you! Volunteer, find a job, take a class, do something to keep busy and improve how you feel about yourself. From that you will find strength, which may help you persevere long enough to find that love again.


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## marital_discord (Jul 29, 2011)

The bottom line is, we have been BLINDSIDED by BETRAYAL. How can anything good come from that??? If you get hit in the head with a red brick and 24 weeks later fully recover, do you ever feel the same again seeing brick buildings along the road - I think not! We have been emotionally abused by someone who swore to love us until death and now we continue to rob ourselves of REAL human feelings? I plan to wear my metal of honor on my last day living under the same roof of my captive! I am chained in grief and yes, you feel as if something has died and in fact it has...YOUR MARRIAGE. For me there is NO recovery. "It wasn't me" doesn't cut it and "I'm sorry, I made a mistake" isn't enough. There is still time for each of us to live a full life SINGLE and UNATTACHED. We can live the life they portrayed to other women while they were still married to us. This will be my future and the past is just that! I refuse to morn the passing of a time that held me frozen while he enjoyed the sunshine.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

It's been almost 2 1/2 yrs for me. My thoughts and feelings about all of this are pretty much like Saffron's. I appreciate the man my husband has become since we've reconciled so much that it makes up for a lot. I think how forgiving people are and and how able they are to move forward has a lot to do with the way they perceived the marriage to be before the infidelity was discovered. If everything was fabulous when your spouse cheated, that would be hard to swallow. In my case, we were so disconnected and at such a low that D-day served as a wakeup call for both of us. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt, but I understood how it could have happened. I was more mad about the fact that we neglected each other so badly than I was about the cheating. In my mind, it was a symptom, not the actual problem.

I also think how happy your marriage can be in reconciliation depends upon whether the DS is truly repentant. If they aren't and they are still doing things to cause you to suspect foul play, any attempt at trying to save your marriage is for naught. I trust my husband, not blindly, but I trust him and my instincts. Deep down, my instincts told me my husband was hiding things from me when our marriage was shabby. If they tell me that again, I'll know to listen to them. 

We don't have children, so neither of us are trapped in this marriage. It was our choice to work things out and make positive changes because we love each other. It's our choice to stay now because we are happy and we both want to be here together. When thoughts about the past creep up, they don't make me so sad anymore. They make me appreciate how far we've come. Honestly. It took time for me to get to that point, but I'm glad I stuck it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> Actually some days I feel like its just not working out that we aren't happy with each other and sure we should end it.
> 
> I'm honest about this and he is confused said he's never been happier and doesn't see it the same.


I'm about 3 years out myself.

Think about it, he got to cheat and basically got away with it and got a second chance. Of course he's happy, he could have lost everything but dodged a bullet.

We on the other hand, sure we "won" them back but at what cost and what did we get? I think back to the way I acted and I lost a lot of self respect fighting for my M then to find out I was doing it all wrong the whole time. I got my wife back which at the time was all I wanted but she's not the same. She cheated so now I have to deal with knowing I took back a cheating wife and it cost me my dignity at the time to do it. 

So yea, I'm sure you are disillusioned and he's all happy. He benefited much more than you do as he still has a faithful wife and you have a husband that cheated. 

If I had to do it again I would have cut my loses and left. I use to have a no-tolerance policy about taking back cheaters but I made an exception because I was married and that my W was special. I won't do that again, I love myself too much now to allow someone to disrespect me anymore.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Saffron, 

You called it right. We did have a great marriage! We were connected. He is gone a lot because of his job, but when he was home, we walked the dog together, we sat at the kitchen fire place drinking wine together, we watched TV together, we shared books together. I would show him articles I found interesting to share while he was gone. We went to rock concerts together, we went to opera togethers. We often flew off to Europe just for dinner (job bennie) together. We have traveled the world together many times. Anything my son was studying in History or Geo, off to the sites we saw! 

Im want of nothing. He has given me a beautiful home, financial security, I havent worked in 30 years. I study art history, I volunteer, I garden, I have friends,I go on holiday with friends w/out hubby at times as well. But now I find I cant give my husband the kind of love he so wants back from me.

He was simply shocked last night when I told him I was disconnected from him and our marriage. It hit him hard.

~sammy


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## Tina56 (Nov 1, 2012)

I can cope most days, but its like a very sad secret in my sole. I may look happy and we may look happy but I am not. We have been married 30 years, have 3 kids and at this point so much is at stake. Am I tuck?


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