# Unbearable wife but I love my daughter



## Kawan (Apr 29, 2021)

Anyone coped dealing with prospects of separation being difficult from having kids?

It's amazing, I do all I can and path of least resistance for my wife is to put me down hard at every chance. 

Long story short here. She is one hell of a difficult person. Ive always been the very accomodating one. I attempt dealing with tensions best possible. She is absolutely unreasonable in the ways she treats me. There is disrespect that just crosses lines. 

I can't imagine my friends' wives saying the things she's capable of saying with the utmost natural. 

I love our daughter so much. I mean to provide to both of them and have them content. Respecting myself would be to leave this woman a long time ago but we have a girl. 

Things get better until it crashes again. I assume the wife doesnt care if i leave.

How'd you deal with these things? 

Each time there is progress and hope she finally eases the mood, some stupid arguments with evil responses from her get worse. I mean to find best balance and talk to her about it all again once shes in a fine mood again.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You deal with these things by getting divorced.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Tell her it's counselling or divorce. Pick one.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Does your wife say these awful things just to YOU, or in front of your D, and/or in front of friends.
Did you ever, when she goes on a rant, just say "F you you F'ing b*tch"? If not WHY NOT. Who CARES if she gets mad -- if she is treating you so badly, why do you care if she gets angry at this? Sometimes we teach people how to treat us -- by you allowing her to get away with it, there are no consequences for her talking like this.

STAND up for yourself and tell her to shove it. If she wants to go off on you, just tell her "I will discuss this with you when you are rational" and then walk away into another room.

You are already considering leaving her, so standing up for yourself I think is the right way to go here. And be consistent -- EVERY SINGLE time she does it, you push back and tell her to shove it.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Why did you marry a very difficult person?
And why are you very accommodating?

There is no point being accommodating all the time.
Are you sure you are not being passive here? Rather than accommodating.

You say that things get better, then they crash again. Any idea why?
This isn't a monthly cycle is it?

How is she with your daughter?
Does your daughter hear and see this?
And how old is your daughter?

If your daughter behaved badly you would give consequences.
Wouldn't you?
You need to set boundaries around your wife's disrespect, in a way that empowers you, rather than lowers you to her level.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

There's a fine line between accommodating and being a doormat. She does what she does because you allow it. You say she wouldn't care if you leave, maybe that's true but is the possibility of that worse than what you're enduring? Use a different tactic. Next time she says something unreasonable or evil, say;

"I've had it with your bulls*&t and I won't take any more of it from you. If your behavior doesn't change immediately, I'll be down to talk to an attorney so fast it will make your head spin. If you have an issue with me, deal with it respectfully or find another punching bag. Do not ever talk to me that way again." Or some version of that.

If you don't do this you'll lose the respect of your daughter and your friends just as you've lost your wife's respect. Time to get it back


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

I am that wife. And i do it for good reason- 2, infact. since the start of our relationship my father in law insulted my parents and me. Alleged that i was having an affair with a certain guest at our engagement. My husband knew that was completely baseless m ridiculous. Didn’t do anything however. Second, my husband confides the smallest detail of our marriage into my mother in law. Every argument. They moan n ***** and paint me this evil unreasonable *****. I on the other hand have never involved my folks into any part of our marriage . 
so that’s my background. That’s the reason im resentful and it keeps surfacing in my interactions with my husband.
Do you have a backstory?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If you have no balls your wife will just run all over you the rest of your life. When you said that you were very accommodating I knew you didn’t stand a chance. Either stand up for yourself like a man or be her whipping boy the rest of your life. She isn’t going to respect you if you don’t respect yourself.


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## Kawan (Apr 29, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Does your wife say these awful things just to YOU, or in front of your D, and/or in front of friends.
> Did you ever, when she goes on a rant, just say "F you you F'ing b*tch"? If not WHY NOT. Who CARES if she gets mad -- if she is treating you so badly, why do you care if she gets angry at this? Sometimes we teach people how to treat us -- by you allowing her to get away with it, there are no consequences for her talking like this.
> 
> STAND up for yourself and tell her to shove it. If she wants to go off on you, just tell her "I will discuss this with you when you are rational" and then walk away into another room.
> ...


I stand strong. I unserstand our different ways of being but do push back, put her in her place. If i begin calling her a f bit ch it might escalate. I keep it on standby tho. Yeah i know i care alot..because i refuse to have my already great life unnecessarily affected negatively for lame reasons. I tell her "complain when u have real problems..til then chill and enjoy life that we made good". 
In front of people no bad words. 

Definitely i will now avoid her during her periods, her logic and common sense completely gone. Work in progress. Want a good life with the daughter and wife to mature. Shes 32.


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## Kawan (Apr 29, 2021)

EveningThoughts said:


> Why did you marry a very difficult person?
> And why are you very accommodating?
> 
> There is no point being accommodating all the time.
> ...


Monthly period cycle a huge factor, it is insane. I support her always but im not her ***** and make that a point. 
When it crashes again I must evaluate everything again and balance things out. I travelled across the world and married in a different culture and at times I deal with consequences. For one thing im used to discomfort, adaptation etc. Whereas wife is village woman who never lived elsewhere. Daughter is 2.

Work in progress thanks


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## Kawan (Apr 29, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> There's a fine line between accommodating and being a doormat. She does what she does because you allow it. You say she wouldn't care if you leave, maybe that's true but is the possibility of that worse than what you're enduring? Use a different tactic. Next time she says something unreasonable or evil, say;
> 
> "I've had it with your bulls*&t and I won't take any more of it from you. If your behavior doesn't change immediately, I'll be down to talk to an attorney so fast it will make your head spin. If you have an issue with me, deal with it respectfully or find another punching bag. Do not ever talk to me that way again." Or some version of that.
> 
> If you don't do this you'll lose the respect of your daughter and your friends just as you've lost your wife's respect. Time to get it back


Yes i am figting for respect and will have it. Cheers


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## Kawan (Apr 29, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> If you have no balls your wife will just run all over you the rest of your life. When you said that you were very accommodating I knew you didn’t stand a chance. Either stand up for yourself like a man or be her whipping boy the rest of your life. She isn’t going to respect you if you don’t respect yourself.


I get it, its a balancing act, i have a daughter with her thats the point. We have no real problems and her whining and rudeness is addressed in time. Im no ones bit c h.


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## Kawan (Apr 29, 2021)

Thanks for the replies it feels good to vent. Her mood is better once the period is gone which facilitates conversing about her insanities.


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## Kawan (Apr 29, 2021)

iwantittobebetter said:


> I am that wife. And i do it for good reason- 2, infact. since the start of our relationship my father in law insulted my parents and me. Alleged that i was having an affair with a certain guest at our engagement. My husband knew that was completely baseless m ridiculous. Didn’t do anything however. Second, my husband confides the smallest detail of our marriage into my mother in law. Every argument. They moan n *** and paint me this evil unreasonable ***. I on the other hand have never involved my folks into any part of our marriage .
> so that’s my background. That’s the reason im resentful and it keeps surfacing in my interactions with my husband.
> Do you have a backstory?


I hope things smooth out for you. Doesnt sound fair, fair is rare is this world, be strong. We dont have anything complicated. Its a case of covid making me not being able to work much for now, she wants "progress" as in a car and a new house. Just impatience and lack of consideration. It will come but she is tired. Who isnt? Defenitely reveals to be weak at the slightest discomfort. Denies when she is wrong. Wont take an argument against her points and gets very rude; but she allows herself to freely disagree etc behavior inbalance.
Will be strong and take advantage of down time to drill into her brain further the good things to work on.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Kawan said:


> I get it, its a balancing act, i have a daughter with her thats the point. We have no real problems and her whining and rudeness is addressed in time.* Im no ones bit c h.*


Yes you are or you wouldn’t be here helplessly complaining about this situation. You get what you tolerate and she will treat you as badly as you let her.

if you actually want to improve your situation, you need to check your ego and own the reality that you are passive and you are allowing your wife to behave badly. It sounds like you are not leading your marriage, you need to start.

And not tolerating bad / disrespectful behavior doesn’t mean arguing with her, or talking about your feelings or yelling at her or calling her names back, that’s actually still weakness. 
Not tolerating her behavior means removing your time, attention, affection and proximity. It means having your own **** to do and if she’s not acting right, she ceases to be a priority for you.


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## Kawan (Apr 29, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Yes you are or you wouldn’t be here helplessly complaining about this situation. You get what you tolerate and she will treat you as badly as you let her.
> 
> if you actually want to improve your situation, you need to check your ego and own the reality that you are passive and you are allowing your wife to behave badly. It sounds like you are not leading your marriage, you need to start.
> 
> ...


I understand. Good points. One thing is, I look into balancing things out in favor of not losing normalcy and closeness with my daughter. Life is short. I hate the thought of being just another couple who separated because of one's insanities and affecting the child's and my experience negatively..just because someone was difficult. It's obsene. Also looking for input on people who had to separate but dealt with the relationship with the kid(s) satisfactorily. Im working on myself. Wife can be decent, until she isn't. She is better when not on period. However still a difficult person. Constructive dialogues are key.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Kawan said:


> Anyone coped dealing with prospects of separation being difficult from having kids?
> 
> It's amazing, I do all I can and path of least resistance for my wife is to put me down hard at every chance.
> 
> ...


Once upon a time I was in a sex starved marriage and thought I was married to an abusive, ice-queen. I loved my two children and yet my wife was emotionally abusing me to the point that it was harming my health. I gained a lot of weight and was not getting enough sleep. One time my son actually told my wife she should treat me better. That was a major eye opener for me.

I decided that I needed to either fix my marriage or end it. I started reading just about everything I could on relationships and how to improve them. Two books which taught me a lot were MW Davis, the Sex Starved Marriage and Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy.

Those books taught me that I needed to Get a Life and become an integrated adult man who was not co-dependent upon a woman for my emotional self worth. I also learned that once I became an integrated man (who was confident and proud of who he was) I would not let myself become verbally or emotionally abused. My road to becoming a more integrated man involved hard physical exercise and doing some of it with my children. It helped bring me closer to them and gave us both physical accomplishments to be proud of. It also involved doing it, to show them what a real man looked like.

MW Davis in her book gave me examples of how to change the dynamic in a marriage relationship (180's). They might not always improve things, but sometimes they might just a little. With enough trial and error and luck, you can change a relationship to the point that it either improves to the point you can live with it or you know you must end it.

What I learned was I did not have to take her childish abuse. I could be the adult in the room. One of the things she use to do when she started to feel romantic about me, was to pick a fight with me. Since we had been married many decades, she knew my hot buttons and how to get me angry. What I learned was how to not get angry and not do a knee-jerk counter attack. I remember on night at a restaurant dinner, she suddenly insulted me. I smiled and looked at her and asked her why she just said what she did? I asked if she was trying to start a fight? She looked at me like a deer in the headlights. She apologized and said she didn't know why she said that. That was the first time, I really understood, that you can control how you allow yourself to be treated by your wife. By denying her the expected response, I had changed the dynamic in our relationship and made her outburst much less satisfying to her. 

If you do a 180 and respond differently to her abuse, if will leave her confused and unsettled because what worked in the past was not working. Over time she will realize that you have changed. She will have to reevaluate you and how she treats you. It requires a lot of self control, strength and confidence on your part. You will also need to re-establish boundaries on how you will allow yourself to be treated. But with a lot of hard work and effort on your part it can completely change how your are treated by your wife.

You may also have to establish in your own mind what the red-line is as to leaving/ending your marriage. Above all, you should focus on you children, in your case your daughter. She needs to know what a good man looks like if she is to find a good husband. You need to become a role model for her.

Good luck.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Her works and actions might be the way all the women are where she is from.

Best of luck.


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## Kawan (Apr 29, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> Once upon a time I was in a sex starved marriage and thought I was married to an abusive, ice-queen. I loved my two children and yet my wife was emotionally abusing me to the point that it was harming my health. I gained a lot of weight and was not getting enough sleep. One time my son actually told my wife she should treat me better. That was a major eye opener for me.
> 
> I decided that I needed to either fix my marriage or end it. I started reading just about everything I could on relationships and how to improve them. Two books which taught me a lot were MW Davis, the Sex Starved Marriage and Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy.
> 
> ...


Thanks very much for your input. For me we ve been married 3 years. I monitor her reasons for being difficult and behavior issues, plus my own inner work. Ive come a long way and she definitely makes me stronger by throwing me her gross attitude. I agree with your points. Im a strong guy who travelled lots and settled far from home country in different culture and languages. I adapt. Im fit and confident and always have strived to excell in a few things. So the confidence is there but she def. makes me re enforce. Congrats on turning things around, you have become strong. I will do what i must and make sure she is fulfilled, but i will not tolerate insults and madness. Again i seek balance because need daughter to be well and to be close to her.


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## Kawan (Apr 29, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Her works and actions might be the way all the women are where she is from.
> 
> Best of luck.


I realize many many women here indeed can simply turn out to be the same. Indonesia. But many different provinces and cultures. I was with another javanese girl before her..very different..however could not wanna convert to her religion. Too bad. She was appreciative, loving, loyal, humble. Accepted what i had for her which was plenty for a start.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Young at Heart said:


> Once upon a time I was in a sex starved marriage and thought I was married to an abusive, ice-queen. I loved my two children and yet my wife was emotionally abusing me to the point that it was harming my health. I gained a lot of weight and was not getting enough sleep. One time my son actually told my wife she should treat me better. That was a major eye opener for me.
> 
> I decided that I needed to either fix my marriage or end it. I started reading just about everything I could on relationships and how to improve them. Two books which taught me a lot were MW Davis, the Sex Starved Marriage and Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy.
> 
> ...


Wow! Great post! Every married person with a less-than-perfect marriage should read this one. I particularly liked your response to her in the restaurant. I'm curious if you've read The Five Love Languages, and, if so, did it have any effect on your marriage. I assume you're still married to the ice queen and things are much better now.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Sfort said:


> Wow! Great post! Every married person with a less-than-perfect marriage should read this one. I particularly liked your response to her in the restaurant. I'm curious if you've read The Five Love Languages, and, if so, did it have any effect on your marriage. I assume you're still married to the ice queen and things are much better now.


Yes, Chapman's book the 5 Love Languages was read early in my road to recovery and had a huge impact on me. I am an Touch, and words of affirmation LL guy. My wife is an Acts of Service and Quality Time LL gal. During our downward spiral, each day we still told each other how much we loved the other through our native LL's.

My wife was raised in a home were an act of love was making sure that a hot home-cocked meal was read when the husband returned from work. Quality time at the dinner table was another important LL for my wife.

If I worked late to be a good provider and forgot to tell her and she overcooked the dinner, when I got home she would yell at me as she had felt I rebuked her LL love offering. When I got yelled at for being thoughtless, (for a word of affirmation person this is like a slap in the face), I bolted down my food and would leave the table quickly to watch TV (which just enraged my wife even more).

I would try to hug my wife (my LL was touch), she would tell me to stop pawing at her body to just get sex. If I praised her, she would accuse me of trying to always butter her up just to get in her pants. Those were things she really said to me.

After reading 5LL, I figured out that our different LL's required me to respond in her LL, not my LL. That cause a huge change in her attitude which lead to her agreeing to go to marriage counseling with a sex therapist. My wife really changed. The ST helped my wife understand that if she did not change we would get divorced and that it would be her decision and she would need to live with the consequences. My wife has always been LD, but no longer an "*****y ice queen." We have negotiated to have sex twice a week with the help of the ST over 10 years ago and will be looking forward to our 50th wedding anniversary this year. So yes, we are still married. Every once in a while things work out.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Young at Heart said:


> I would try to hug my wife (my LL was touch), she would tell me to stop pawing at her body to just get sex. If I praised her, she would accuse me of trying to always butter her up just to get in her pants.


It would have been tempting to say, "Oh I don't need your sex. I can get that anywhere. I was looking for love." After the other comment, I would have said, "You sure know how to convince me to never sincerely praise you again."


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Kawan said:


> Thanks very much for your input. For me we ve been married 3 years. I monitor her reasons for being difficult and behavior issues, plus my own inner work. Ive come a long way and she definitely makes me stronger by throwing me her gross attitude. I agree with your points. Im a strong guy who travelled lots and settled far from home country in different culture and languages. I adapt. Im fit and confident and always have strived to excell in a few things. So the confidence is there but she def. makes me re enforce. Congrats on turning things around, you have become strong. I* will do what i must and make sure she is fulfilled, but i will not tolerate insults and madness. Again i seek balance because need daughter to be well and to be close to her.*


A further piece of advice. I had to really, really forgive my wife before I could really treat her properly.

For me part of the process was something I learned while training for and running endurance races and loosing weight. It is called affirmations or self-hypnosis. To convince your subconscious of something, you can repeat it over and over again, until you start to believe it. You can convince yourself that you really can run a half marathon, you can run an additional 5 miles more after your first 8.1 miles. 

You can repeat over and over again that your wife is a human being and all human beings are flawed creatures in one respect or another and that your wife has blessed you with one of the most wonderful gifts possible, your daughter. That no matter what you love her for that blessing. You love her for how she has helped your daughter grow up and nothing will change that. You can then say that you forgive her and that you vowed to love her when you married.

Yes, you don't have to take abuse or insults, but you have to do it in a loving way that does not add to the fight. He knows how to punch your emotional buttons, you have to be adult enough not to be drawn into a fight by her "insults and madness."

Good luck.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Sfort said:


> It would have been tempting to say, "Oh I don't need your sex. I can get that anywhere. I was looking for love." After the other comment, I would have said, "You sure know how to convince me to never sincerely praise you again."


You need to put yourself in the other person's place. My old-self might have said such things. However, while temporarily satisfying to say them, they would have just contributed to the back and forth emotional conflict.


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