# Infidelity: Who coped & who didn't?



## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Who on this Forum (in the last _x_ years)...do you feel didn't cope or deal with infidelity as opposed to those who did.

What specific successes and failures from those particular posters and their respective situations would you pass onto a newcomer looking for advice on either 'What Do I Do Next'?
(in terms of Reconciliation / Seoarate / Divorce)


e.g. I'm thinking of TAM regulars who often namecheck old / defunct posters with_ "Remember ******. He/She went about it like a Boss"_ or _"Don't do what ****** did. His wife/husband did this in return and it got worse"_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

fwiw I think most BS do many things right and many wrong.
My own:
CORRECT: 
- gave R a real chance
- exposed to OM's wife
- entered and participated in MC and IC
- moved on from 1st MC to another when we felt 1st one was not working well for us
- read, researched everything i could get. Found TAM, vented, shared, and listened (mostly)
- always kept child and child-rearing issues out of the argument
- put 100% complete focus on child and my relationship with him once I moved out
INCORRECT:
- threatened to physically throw her out when she wouldn't leave
- threatened OM, hunted and waited outside his home for him to return. Planned his demise.
- withdrew and removed myself from the little family support system I had, speaking to no one but IC during attempted R
- flip-flopped from feeling total shame sharing what had occurred with close relatives, to sharing with most anyone that my scummy wife had cheated so I left her once I decided to leave
- did not more seriously consider medication to help me through PTSD
- did not carry through with lie detector test
- got a dog during attempted R 
- stopped caring about my career
- wallowed, and became far too quick to anger
- kept apart from the few friends I had even 3 years later
- gave a crap about what she was doing for weeks or months after I'd moved out despite insisting I didn't
- allowed bad knees to excuse lack of physical activity, did not start working out
- refuse to fully trust anyone about most anything, especially women
- allowed this experience to change "who I am"
- kept working with a lousy mediator instead of cutting bait and demanding a refund for unspent retainer 
- did not separate finances nor move to official D once decision was made, allowing her to maintain lifestyle, marital home (in school district), and healthcare coverage, and stayed in this unofficial limbo far too long for "inconvenient timing" reasons
- put 100% complete focus on child and my relationship with him once I moved out, instead of allowing myself some % of time to focus on me

Wow, that was a bit therapeutic thanks


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

A common theme I see between those who sucessfully cope and those who crash and burn is acceptance of the truth. The ones who just can bring themselves to believe the severity of the situation go along with the blameshifting and the minimizing. 

Once the BS gets their bearings and fully realize how awful their WS are behaving, then they tend to get their act together.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

In the beginning your are fighting for survival, stress and unknown territory cause many mistakes to be made.
Once it is done it is done I can't change my mistakes in handling this situation and she can't change her choices.
We live with it, we move on together or not each trying to make the best of a sad situation.

As for the question of who coped and who didn't look at the member list most who moved on either by D or R have stopped posting, others (myself included) are still here venting, looking for answers and sharing our experiences with some of the new people.

TAM is a revolving door people in people out some better for their experience here some not.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

I've been through it twice now (same husband). The first time was 15 years ago. We did work through things. I really like the list above, so I'll do the same:
Things did right:
Went to IC, got help for the shock and ensuing crazy feeling
WH admitted to everything but chose to stay with family
WH changed jobs so no longer traveling so much for work
Spent time with family together
Did NOT tell a lot of people, so no dirty laundry hanging out for everyone's scrutiny.
Left the kids totally out of all the worry and questions (they were young). Second time around, left the kids totally out of it for 6 months until they were in a period at school when not much going on. ALWAYS, the both of us have been on the same page about the kids, except he's not spending much time with them. But they feel safe and secure, and their parents still get along. 

Things did wrong, and why I'm in the same boat now:
WH's job changed after 7 or 8 years and started to travel extensively again. 
He never went to IC and only one session together with me.
I never fully trusted again. 
Then out of my control, I got very sick for a while and could only think of me and try to maintain some normalcy for the kids for a little over a year. That's when he decided to (or maybe had been all along, who would know) screw around. 

THIS time, no bother to try for R. I'm done. I'm sad and I mourn the loss of family. But at the same time, I'm now FREE of the worry about what if's and maybe's. It's been 11 months now since I've known, and it feels great to be on my own and looking forward to the next phase of life.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

How did I cope? 

Horribly wrong. Everything that a BS could do wrong, I did. Everything!

What I did right to cope? Nothing right, and still not... 

It's a horrible place to be... 

~sammy


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## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> How did I cope?
> 
> Horribly wrong. Everything that a BS could do wrong, I did. Everything!
> 
> ...


I'm new (1 month past D-Day) at all this, but so far I've pretty much done everything wrong too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

HeartFullOfLove said:


> I'm new (1 month past D-Day) at all this, but so far I've pretty much done everything wrong too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The good news is that you can still do things wrong, especially in the beginning, and have a successful R; as long as you're willing to correct the mistakes *and* your spouse accepts those corrections.


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