# Am I crazy??



## FeelingBlu (Jan 17, 2014)

I don't know if I just need a wife's perspective on this or what, but here's the deal. My wife has an old friend that I feel is toxic. She has been nothing but needy so far as I can see. Last year there was a falling out between them, and it occurred during a family vacation that my wife invited her friends family to. We checked into our condo and it was a first floor, two bedroom. Her friend arrived about one hour later and as she was checking her family in, they were booked for a third floor, two bedroom. This was not acceptable to her friend so she came over to me complaining about being on the third floor, blah blah, we have a small baby and my dad can't walk..The place had an elevator so walking was not an issue. I felt like I was being attacked because of the resort booking so I walked away and asked my wife to go take care of her friends issue. Her friend was then asking that we give them our condo. Keeping in my mind that this was our vacation and her friend was simply asked if she'd like to take advantage of a good weekly rate through our timeshare program. We got them the room rate and used some of our timeshare points to book them the condo. So for the next almost three hours, her and DH were arguing with my wife about how selfish she is, always thinking about herself..blah, blah, blah. I stayed out of it for a good time period, but eventually went over to see what the heck was going on and walked into these two calling my wife a selfish B. this hit a nerve and I finally spoke my mind. they haven't spoken for a year. Fast forward one year later and wifey decided to rekindle her friendship. Her friend agrees, but places a condition on the friendship, "Your Husband is to NEVER be around me or my family, ever!" 
Here is my dilemma, it hurts me that my wife continues to show an interest in rekindling a friendship with someone that seems toxic right out of the gate. I tried explaining my feelings to the wife and she says, "You are trying to control me". I continued to explain to her that I was not trying to control her, I was simply expressing my feelings. It hurts my feelings that she doesn't express loyalty to family, especially with a friend such as that. 
Are there any married women out there that may have gone through something similar, and if so, how did you handle it? Men, the same...have you experienced or felt like this, and how did you handle it?


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I would reverse the scenario to her...
How would she feel if you had a similar friend that said your wife could NEVER be around him or his family while you were with him.

Sounds like she is trying to cause friction between you and your wife and the first wedge had been placed, by making your wife think you are trying to control her. It is literally the other way around, as her "friend" is trying to control her and create a means to not have you a part of your wife's life.

Any other person in life that puts conditions on you and your wife is no friend to either. You are correct, she is toxic.


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## FeelingBlu (Jan 17, 2014)

I did reverse the scenario, or at least asked her how she would feel if it were the other way. She could not grasp what I was saying, because I have no friends(as she said). What I failed to tell her is that I choose not to allow friendships to grow with those that cannot accept her. Many of my potential "friends" have made negative comments about her and quite frankly, I have more respect for her than to listen to these jackasses talk smack about how nosy or rude she is. I guess I am just a strong believer in family before friends. I don't take any pleasure in someone that cannot stand to be around my spouse, for I feel as if they may be judging my decisions at all times. Let alone the condition on the friendship...we are not single and mingling. We are all nearly 40 and married with children. I am married for 16 years now, and have no interest in finding a new best friend, I see mine every day after work; my wife and children.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Man that sounds like a whole lot of drama. A friend who puts such restrictions is no friend of the family.

At the same time, your wife is hitting the age where female friendships are really important...but she is definitely not seeing the issue clearly if all of a sudden if she is willing to lower the bar enough to allow such a spiteful person back in her life. She may be feeling lonely and desperate for a friend...and probably has difficulty setting boundaries.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

No, you are not crazy.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

No your not crazy!

You're using good sense by putting in good boundaries to protect yourself and your relationship. 

Your wife seems to have a need to please her friend, even at her own expense. She's looking her friends approval to feel good about herself. For this, she's letting her friend wants trample on her and her family space. 

OTOH, you don't need others to make you feel good. You've done that for yourself.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

For me this is a big red flag, that is a partner who feels beholden / obligated just friends. And this could be same sex as well as opposite sex friends.

Too bad you didn't pick up on this before getting married. I was screwed by that in my last marriage. And of course, sometimes these problems don't come to light until after you're married, as I experienced. they were all nice before we got married.

I guess you are going to have to decide what your breaking point is going to be. It doesn't make a lot of sense, though. For example, same sex friends usually do things without their spouses anyway, so why does this toxic friend need to be so vocal about not wanting to be around you?


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Yes you have an issue. That friendship...no friendship should come be for your relationship period. No relationship she has should have a condition of excluding you. Sorry there is something wrong here and if she can't see that she doesn't want to. I would recommend a visual demonstration might help...use your imagination. Put her in a situation where you have to choose her or spending time with a guy friend or brother. Then ask her again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Toxic friend + throwing the "you are trying to control me card" smells like danger to me!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

No you are not crazy. Your wife has a lack of respect for you.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Stonewall said:


> Toxic friend + throwing the "you are trying to control me card" smells like danger to me!


It sounds like your W's friend may have reintroduced her to something that she does not want you to see...


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

The real problem here is your wife's attitude, not the friend. If your wife were being more loyal to you, the "toxic friend" would be less of an issue.

What's the deal with this "friend"? What's their history?


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## FeelingBlu (Jan 17, 2014)

I totally get it. They have a history that dates back to before our relationship. The thing of it is, that I have let go of most every relationship that I have had from before. Single friends that were borderline toxic to my relationship, married friends that were into doing things that didn't last due to the "hobbies" that they liked to practice. It all comes down to this, although I never really liked this friend and her husband, I was rather tolerant and mostly respectful to them. I had issues with allowing my children to be in their care because of some of the husbands habits; he was/is a habitual MJ user. He has smoked up in my bathroom, although it was denied I am not a fool and could smell it. He has smoked up while driving his kids around, totaled two vehicles within one year. I believe that I had every right to feel this way. Now, out of respect for them I did not make a case about it, I just simply said "We have other plans" any time he asked to have my kids join them to see a movie or go to the park. When the blowout hit, I guess I just held too much in for too long. He brought up the fact that "it is not a secret that you don't trust us with your kids, and I don't know why", I proceeded to tell him and everyone else that was around, including his in-laws, why. I figured it was high time, pun intended, that his family know the truth as opposed to the nonsense that he'd been telling them; "he thinks he is better than me." I don't think I am better than him, I do however know that would not put my family at risk with such foolish behavior, let alone volunteer to put someone else's children in a dangerous situation. I hit the point of not holding back, and at this time the wife's friend has made the condition as follows: "your husband has disrespected my family, and I will not allow them to be treated that way ever again." What bugs me about the whole thing Is the fact that the Mrs. did not stand up for me and accepted that condition. I fell that I had every right to tell the truth, once and for all.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I figured it was high time, pun intended, that his family know the truth as opposed to the nonsense that he'd been telling them; "he thinks he is better than me." I don't think I am better than him, I do however know that would not put my family at risk with such foolish behavior, let alone volunteer to put someone else's children in a dangerous situation. I hit the point of not holding back, and at this time the wife's friend has made the condition as follows: "your husband has disrespected my family, and I will not allow them to be treated that way ever again." What bugs me about the whole thing Is the fact that the Mrs. did not stand up for me and accepted that condition. I fell that I had every right to tell the truth, once and for all.


With that explanation, my only conclusion is that your wife is under some weird kind of spell with this woman. Did this woman pull your wife into the popular kids social group in high school or college? Or some other life changing meaningful favor.

And also, since I have not had any friends in my adulthood who do controlled substances, it makes me wonder what kind of lifestyle do you all have or on the edge of? what kind of work does this guy do?


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## FeelingBlu (Jan 17, 2014)

Lifestyle? I am not into, nor was ever into any of that. His choices are his own and I tried not to judge 
As far as what he does for a living? Let's just say that I don't think he put enough effort in to be able to support a family as his wife makes the bucks.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Feeling Blu, I think you are missing my and F-102's point about "history," and your mention of the husband's constant MJ use just raises more suspicion. Does your wife have drugs in her past? The behavior of the friend sounds a little bit strange and perhaps addict-like, and your wife is being strange as well.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

By the way, you are absolutely right to not want your kids to be in the care of a guy who smokes up while driving his kids around and smashed up his car twice doing it!!! Does your wife agree with you about this? I sure hope so!


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## FeelingBlu (Jan 17, 2014)

She agrees, but for whatever reason doesn't feel that keeping this friendship terminated is worthwhile. I don't think she is involved with any drug use, I grew up around addicts and can usually tell when someone is using. It just bugs me that she accepted conditions on this friendship. I just thought that we were each others number one and I would never let someone put a condition on a friendship with me. I feel the same as if someone would tell me, "We can be friends, but keep your kids away from me." My wife and kids are my life and if I said it once I'll say it again, if I can't share my life with a friend then what else is there? I am not a teenager, I am nearly 40 and don't have time for the drama. At this point, every time I hear the friends name mentioned, I get a pit in my stomach. I am simply trying to figure out if I am crazy for feeling this way. I have taken the time to see a professional and he sort of agreed with my stance. She should not let anyone from outside the marriage put a condition like that. It's fair enough to have separate friends, it's healthy but you should all be able to get together as a group as well. If you are unable to, then it is a toxic friendship. The friend already dislikes me so there will come a time that she will look to lean on her friends shoulder, do you think she will simply listen and offer a shoulder or offer her negative opinion?? I think she will offer her negative opinion.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I crazy??*



FeelingBlu said:


> She agrees, but for whatever reason doesn't feel that keeping this friendship terminated is worthwhile. I don't think she is involved with any drug use, I grew up around addicts and can usually tell when someone is using. It just bugs me that she accepted conditions on this friendship. I just thought that we were each others number one and I would never let someone put a condition on a friendship with me. I feel the same as if someone would tell me, "We can be friends, but keep your kids away from me." My wife and kids are my life and if I said it once I'll say it again, if I can't share my life with a friend then what else is there? I am not a teenager, I am nearly 40 and don't have time for the drama. At this point, every time I hear the friends name mentioned, I get a pit in my stomach. I am simply trying to figure out if I am crazy for feeling this way. I have taken the time to see a professional and he sort of agreed with my stance. She should not let anyone from outside the marriage put a condition like that. It's fair enough to have separate friends, it's healthy but you should all be able to get together as a group as well. If you are unable to, then it is a toxic friendship. The friend already dislikes me so there will come a time that she will look to lean on her friends shoulder, do you think she will simply listen and offer a shoulder or offer her negative opinion?? I think she will offer her negative opinion.


You're spot on! Now what are you going to do about it?

Boundaries in Marriage: Henry Cloud, John Townsend


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## FeelingBlu (Jan 17, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> You're spot on! Now what are you going to do about it?
> 
> Boundaries in Marriage: Henry Cloud, John Townsend: 9780310243144: Amazon.com: Books


Well I guess that is the dilemma. I've already let her know how I feel about the whole situation. She doesn't see it the same way that I do. She placed this friend in her family circle and claims that I am only trying to isolate and control her. I did tell her, "I cannot control you nor stop you from doing anything. I can tell you how something makes me feel and you are in control of your own actions from that point." I think she needs to keep in mind that there are rewards and consequences for many of our actions and we need to own up to those. I always ask her, how would you feel if.... On another note, my MIL has been living with us for about 6 years now. Trashing the kitchen and always interfering and calling me a monster when I reprimand my children, basically teaching them how to not respect Dad....I have finally won that struggle, she will be moving out next month!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You do have something to say about this and I would make it real clear that if she's going to put her friend over you then she has no respect for you and if you let her get away with this it will get worse.

In other word, it's her or me. If you give your wife the dignity and respect she's earned and deserves, the she owes you the same. No more, no less and let her know your as serious as a heart attack. I find it extremely disrespectful that she would do something like that and you don't have to tolerate it.


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## FeelingBlu (Jan 17, 2014)

6301 said:


> In other word, it's her or me.


Funny you should say that. I did propose a scenario to her. I asked her if she would accept a condition on our marriage, "I will only consider continuing this marriage if your friend stays away from me and my family and my family includes you." 
She didn't like that very much.


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