# When is it too much information



## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

I'm seeking some opinions on how much information I should gather about my wife's EA. I obsess about what happened over the past few months. I'm sure I over exaggerate at times and hurt myself for no reason.

Is it healthy to know all the intricate details, or will this just push me over the edge and not allow me to work on our relationship and get through this?


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## Ammo Can (Jan 7, 2010)

What you are asking for will never satisfy you quest for information. 

The problem with not knowing is that your mind works on overdrive and you assumes the worst and jump to your own conclusions. 

The problem with knowing is you can not trust your partner and even of they did tell you the truth. You would still assume they are lying or covering up further transgressions. 

It is essentially a no win situation. You can not put your thoughts at ease until you hear something bad. What if nothing really bad happened? Can you accept that?


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## angelj (Jul 1, 2008)

Noona, when my wife was going through her EA I knew only what I witnessed and a few other things I dug up but I never pressed for additional details. The important thing was getting her to accept what she was going through and getting her to commit to cutting ties with the guy. When I went through my EA my wife didn't really know but it all ended when we were placed with our first child that we were going to adopt. I've been on both sides of an EA and it's hard to say which is worse.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I was the same way for some reason I wanted to know the details, not sure why. I agree it is a no win situation, best to just let it go and only concentrate on the spouses committment to the marriage.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

jessi said:


> I was the same way for some reason I wanted to know the details, not sure why. I agree it is a no win situation, best to just let it go and only concentrate on the spouses committment to the marriage.




:iagree:

I too am sruggling, but I think the more I know, the more I'll picture them together. And that will not help in moving forward and working on our marriage.


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

I think the answer varies for each person. I needed to know everything, and I asked my questions and got honest answers. Those answers were painful - for both of us. But in the long run, I no longer have to worry about stumbling across some additional piece of information that opens my wound again, because I already know it all. 

You know yourself better than anyone. If you have unanswered questions that you can't get off your mind, I'd ask them. Ask them, get the answers, and then you can move on towards rebuilding and strengthening your relationship.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

You have to find out what it was that you weren't giving her, that he was giving her. Most wives don't just "wander off" and get embroiled with another man. Usually there is some unmet need there, and they just run across someone that mets that need. It usually starts very casually and then just grows from there.

My suggestion is reading over His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage together.

Half the time it's simply because the husband wasn't "dating" his wife anymore.


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