# Message to CSS



## Beowulf

I know you are banned and I know you cannot respond but I also know you can read this. Morrigan and I are thinking of you and can't wait until you are back on TAM. Your insights are valuable, your humor is greatly appreciated and you are loved.


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## calvin

She sent me a text Beo,she said thanks and she appreciates it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

That's nice to know.


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## bandit.45

CSS is one special lady.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Yes she is
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

And she's all mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StandingInQuicksand

What in the world gets someone banned on here?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8

StandingInQuicksand said:


> What in the world gets someone banned on here?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not sure, I see even posts are deemed off topic for veering a bit, are deleted. 

I read the rules and it seems like an varying opinion should not get one banned. 

But, maybe if people complain about that opinion, it might. Not sure really. 

I never report posts. I live in the USA and believe in free speech even if I hate what the person said. 

If they insult me personally, I call them on it, but still don't report it. I realize on this type of board emotions gotta' be running high. I don't take it personally, if someone is triggered and venting. 

I actually feel there is something to be learned from reading a vent. Oh well.


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## calvin

Yeah, banned for a week seems excesive
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf

calvin said:


> Yeah, banned for a week seems excesive
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I read what CSS wrote. Even the stuff that got deleted. I didn't think any of it was that bad. And frankly I didn't think the posts in that thread were veering off topic that much. I feel the mod was a little presumptuous issuing a warning. CSS called the mod out on it and next thing I saw she was banned. IMO the mod overreacted quite a bit.


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## calvin

Beowulf said:


> I read what CSS wrote. Even the stuff that got deleted. I didn't think any of it was that bad. And frankly I didn't think the posts in that thread were veering off topic that much. I feel the mod was a little presumptuous issuing a warning. CSS called the mod out on it and next thing I saw she was banned. IMO the mod overreacted quite a bit.


I think so too,I've seen a lot worse,a whole lot worse,they wont shorten the ban either
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf

calvin said:


> I think so too,I've seen a lot worse,a whole lot worse,they wont shorten the ban either
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course not. That would be admitting a mistake.


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## Amplexor

The original warning was for a thread hijack which looks like it took some time for the mod to clean up. Then CSS elected to shoot her mouth off to the mod and got herself a 7 day ban. She should consider herself lucky, had it been me she wouldn't be coming back.


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## Beowulf

I would hope that the emotional atmosphere we operate in here on TAM would be taken into consideration. Your signature line mentions patience and love. Are those just words or do they really mean something?


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## calvin

Seems harsh
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

come om Beo,Css,says stop before you get in trouble,youre too valuable to get banned,people need your advice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor

Beowulf, my signature line has less to do with my roll as a mod than my personal life. It was selected as my reference point and mantra to salvage my marriage. My roll as a mod is to enforce the rules of the forum. The jack took place, the jack was cleaned up and the parties warned. That should have been the end of it. If CSS really disagreed with it she would have been better off to send a PM to the mod for discussion or clarification as the other member involved in that jack did. CSS elected to push her luck, publicly call out a mod and got the ban. 

I think in general the mods show a tremendous amount of understanding as to what the users are going through. That's because many of us have been through it ourselves. Some of us reconciled and moved on in our marriages and some were unfortunately unable to, either way we stayed on to try and help as pseudo councilors and advisers to members or to help the forum in general. And to enjoy the social aspects of it all. But I would like the users to know that there is a lot of background work that goes on unseen by general public. Jacked threads are common and very time consuming and frustrating to clean up. The last thing a mod wants to do after that is to have a snide comment shot at us afterward. Hint, hint 

We are not perfect, we can act on emotion on occasion and we have to work at keeping our religious, moral, political personal beliefs out of moderation as best we can. We don't always get it right we do the best we can. 

Finally, banning is not something we enjoy (Unless it's a true troll) All here are here for a reason and that usually has to do with pain. There are many here that have not been banned because we do understand that and that bitterness, anger and guilt all come with the package. But order has to be maintained


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## Beowulf

Amplexor said:


> Beowulf, my signature line has less to do with my roll as a mod than my personal life. It was selected as my reference point and mantra to salvage my marriage. My roll as a mod is to enforce the rules of the forum. The jack took place, the jack was cleaned up and the parties warned. That should have been the end of it. If CSS really disagreed with it she would have been better off to send a PM to the mod for discussion or clarification as the other in that jack did. CSS elected to push her luck, public ally call out a mod and got the ban.
> 
> I think in general the mods show a tremendous amount of understanding as to what the users are going through. That's because many of us have been through it ourselves. Some of us reconciled and moved on in our marriages and some were unfortunately unable to, either way we stayed on to try and help as pseudo councilors and advisers to members or to help the forum in general. And to enjoy the social aspects of it all. But I would like the users to know that there are lots of background work that goes on unseen by general public. Jacked threads are common and very time consuming and frustrating to clean up. The last thing a mod want to do after that is to have a snide comment shot at us afterward. Hint, hint
> 
> We are not perfect, we can act on emotion on occasion and we have to work at keeping our religious, moral, political personal beliefs out of moderation as best we can. We don't always get it right we do the best we can.
> 
> Finally, banning is not something we enjoy (Unless it's a true troll) All here are here for a reason and that usually has to do with pain. There are many here that have not been banned because we do understand that and that bitterness, anger and guilt all comes with the package. But order has to be maintained


Thank you Amplexor for your thoughtful and thorough response. Having been a mod on another board years ago I completely understand the work that goes on behind the scenes. I also realize that the thankless work that mods do often goes unnoticed and unappreciated. One thing I learned from my experience as a mod is that a long fuse is a prerequisite for the job. While I agree that CSS might have been better served PMing the mod instead of commenting publicly I also wonder why the mod did not simply delete the post and take the initiative to PM CSS and discuss it privately. After all, who was and should have been acting in a more controlled manner in that situation. The poster who was dealing with an emotional stressful time or the mod whose job it is to remain calm and coolly deal with these types of issues. I understand that order has to be maintained but I believe a different approach in this case would have been preferable to all concerned. In my view, the thread had been cleaned up, the warning had been issued and order had already been restored. By banning CSS under these circumstances all that has been accomplished is that there are many who are being deprived of her valuable insight and the ability and fairness of the mods is being debated.


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## cantthinkstraight

Pardon me for my ignorance, but just who are the mods here? 
I don't know any of them.

Considering all the banning going on lately, maybe I should
be happy I haven't met any yet.


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## Amplexor

cantthinkstraight said:


> Pardon me for my ignorance, but just who are the mods here?
> I don't know any of them.
> 
> Considering all the banning going on lately, maybe I should
> be happy I haven't met any yet.



the moderator's title is listed under the user name. See mine.


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## Grayson

Amplexor said:


> the moderator's title is listed under the user name. See mine.


Unless you're on a phone or other mobile device....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Monroe

I'm pretty new here... what is a thread jack or a jacked thread?


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## Grayson

Sara8 said:


> I am not sure, I see even posts are deemed off topic for veering a bit, are deleted.
> 
> I read the rules and it seems like an varying opinion should not get one banned.


It SHOULDN'T, but it all depends on whose opinion yours differs from. If it's a "resident therapist," it's advisable to keep your difference of opinion to yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor

Sara8 said:


> I am not sure, I see even posts are deemed off topic for veering a bit, are deleted.
> 
> I read the rules and it seems like an varying opinion should not get one banned.


Not the opinion but the direction of the thread. The most common example of a jack here is someone coming for advice on the use of pornography by their spouse. Inevitably, the thread will veer off in an argument about whether pornography is good or bad leaving the OP in the dust focusing on the moral or social aspect rather than their problem. The factor I use in judging if a jack has taken place is if the OP's original issue is being addressed or has been lost in a running gun battle. It's pretty easy to jack a thread without even knowing it. Done it myself.


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## Amplexor

Monroe said:


> I'm pretty new here... what is a thread jack or a jacked thread?


See my post above


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## Monroe

Ohhhh..... thanks.


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## Halien

As a mod, let me be clear - we do not ban for differing opinions, unless those opinions are encapsulated within a response that violates the forum rules.

Our goal in this section is to support an environment that assists those who are suffering the pain of infidelity. Several very respected members in this section have commented recently about the tone of some of the replies in recent weeks (I'm not referring to the situation surrounding this thread). I and the other mods support what these members were saying. It is easy to forget that the spouse of a betrayed member is still their chosen life partner, and that these insults can hurt the poster.

We don't take banning lightly at all. We also try to support the community within this section, to keep it a site where people can feel welcome to discuss their feelings surrounding the infidelity, without being further humiliated by the type of response that is out of character for most members on this site. 

Below are the forum rules:

Forum Rules:

1. Treat others on the forum with dignity and respect.
Personal attacks, hate speech, racist or sexist statements or attacks, sexual harassment, explicit sexual comments, promoting violence, will not be tolerated.

2. You are responsible for anything you post on this website. We do not delete posts or accounts, but we give you the ability to delete your own posts at any time, unless you are banned from the website. See #14 for more information.

3. If you make suicidal statements on this website, and it is brought to our attention, we may choose to notify your internet service provider and / or police and provide them with any information we have to identify you with.

4. Do not post any content that would be inappropriate for young children to see. No graphic language, nude or sexually explicit images. Adult conversations about sex are acceptable in the sex section, as long as people are mindful to use proper terms (no "f" words, etc.) and be aware that our forums automatically censor foul language by turning the word into a series of "****." Sex section is for asking for help and providing feedback only. All other threads there are subject to deletion.

5. No posting just to incite people or start arguments. (aka "trolls")

6. No posting new threads to continue arguments from locked threads.

7. No posting just to advertise products, services, or other websites. While it is ok to have a link to your website in your signature line once you become a "Member," affiliate links and paid posting are never allowed. "Registered Users" are no longer allowed to use signature links. (You must be active on the site for a little while in order to become a "Member").

If it is determined that your posts appear to be solely for the purpose of advertising, they will be deleted and the account will be banned. To avoid coming across as a spammer, make sure you post quality, relevant feedback for discussions. Spammers usually write one or two really general statements that could apply to most people's situations, in order to get a link to their website from Talk About Marriage.

We've had a lot of trouble with spam - that's why we've had to adopt these rules.

8. Be supportive of others and their desire to have happier, healthier relationships.

10. No duplicate posts. (Please don't post the same thing in more than one place.) Duplicate threads will be merged.

11. No hijacking threads. If your post is not on-topic for a particular thread, please start another thread for it rather than taking someone else's thread off-topic. Users who repeatedly hijack threads will be warned and potentially banned.

12. No personal ads for people seeking relationships or attempts to "hook up" with other members. This is not a "dating website."

13. No posts promoting illegal activity, or stating that the member posting provides any type of sexual / prostitution services.

14. In regards to deleting accounts or posts - please do not contact us asking for your posts or account to be deleted. We have set the forum permissions so that anyone who posts has the ability to delete their own posts, any threads they started, and any profile information they entered. We do not delete accounts.


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## Grayson

Halien said:


> As a mod, let me be clear - we do not ban for differing opinions, unless those opinions are encapsulated within a response that violates the forum rules.


Speaking from personal experience, I would disagree. (Unless, as applied by the mods, the definition of "inciting" includes refuting a differing opinion calmly, rationally and logically.) But, given that our disagreement on this point will never be won (for want of a better term) by someone who isn't a mod, we'll just have to agree to disagree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Mods are people too and they also make mistakes,over reacting being just one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf

Halien,

Thank you for posting the Forum rules. I think it is always good to refresh everyone's memory once in a while. I do need to bring a couple of points to light however.

Regarding rule #2, the mod in question did in fact delete posts in the allegedly "highjacked" thread. In point of fact a great many posts were deleted, some that actually, at least in part, were very relevant to the topic being discussed.

Regarding rule #11, CSS has never to my knowledge, repeatedly highjacked a thread. So this could not and should not have resulted in a ban.

In point of fact, CSS did not violate any of the rules you listed. She did not personally attack anyone, make any hateful or racist comments, did not advertise any products or services, and I seriously doubt anyone would consider her to be a troll. All she did in essence was to state her opinion very strongly that she did not agree with the mods decision to delete her and many other's posts without due cause. So to be clear she was in fact expressing her displeasure that your mod violated your own rules. So, therefore as a long time member and financial contributor to this forum I respectfully request that her ban be immediately overturned and she be reinstated as a valued member of the TAM community.


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## Grayson

Beowulf, I, too, was going to mention the apparent contradiction to #2 that I've seen. I'm not familiar with the specific thread being discussed in this one, but in my case, every post that I made countering the POV that I found fault with was deleted, while leaving those original opinions-presented-as-facts and possibilities-presented-as-absolutes to stand uncontested when I was wished to the cornfield for 10 days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

Why do posts get deleted at all? I was a member (and mod) of a BB that's been around in one form or another for over a decade, and nothing EVER gets deleted there, except through normal board pruning where everything over a certain age goes. NOTHING. At all. Ever. Sure made being a mod easier in a lot of ways. We also had a VERY specific procedure to follow to ban someone, and there had to be a consensus amongst the mods to ban anyone.


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## calvin

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater here.
Am I risking a ban? Probably. I can see someone advocating shooting a cheating spouse being banned for a week or ten days.
What I feel CSS did was insult the the Mod,not knowing that person was a Mod.
Yes she said ban yourself your in a bad mood.No she didnt know this was a Mod til after the fact.
Mods should never be disrepected as anyone else on this site.That being said I feel the Mod took a I'll show you attitude.
A first time offense does not warrent this kind of treatment.
This is my opinion and mine alone.
Even a criminal is given a chance the first time
I also didnt see where CSS went off topic,I've read it over and over.
One size...a blanket policey seems to be unfair.
I feel things should be taken on a case by case basis.
No disrepect here but I know now that I might be banned now for speaking out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf

Hope1964 said:


> Why do posts get deleted at all? I was a member (and mod) of a BB that's been around in one form or another for over a decade, and nothing EVER gets deleted there, except through normal board pruning where everything over a certain age goes. NOTHING. At all. Ever. Sure made being a mod easier in a lot of ways. We also had a VERY specific procedure to follow to ban someone, and there had to be a consensus amongst the mods to ban anyone.


That is exactly how the board I was on operated Hope. And the fact that the rules state explicitly that mods don't delete posts and yet posts were deleted by a mod seems to invite examination. Again, how can you ban someone for trying to uphold the forum rules?


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## Amplexor

Hope1964 said:


> Why do posts get deleted at all? I was a member (and mod) of a BB that's been around in one form or another for over a decade, and nothing EVER gets deleted there, except through normal board pruning where everything over a certain age goes. NOTHING. At all. Ever. Sure made being a mod easier in a lot of ways. We also had a VERY specific procedure to follow to ban someone, and there had to be a consensus amongst the mods to ban anyone.


Some posts have to be deleted. On occasion we'll get hard core porn posted. Sometimes it's a copy-write issue. (Posting the rules of the 180) In some cases the posts are just so rude, creepy or insulting it's just better to take them down to nip it in the bud. Jacked threads are often cleaned up, again, for the purpose of keeping the dissuasion on the OP and not a pissing match between a few members. I've personally cleaned up running gun battles that went for 3 or 4 pages. In other cases we'll leave the post up so people can see why a regular member was banned.

The forum allows the mods to ban anyone. I'd say 95% of the bans are 1. Spammers 2. Trolls. I would guess between the bunch of us we ban half a dozen of those each day. Generally if its a long term member that is pushing the line, we will discuss as a group and it generally starts with a warning or temp ban. If it's flagrant, we will act pretty quickly as an individual.

If you have a serious issue with a mod and don't feel they are acting in a proper manner I would suggest you PM Chris H. He is the site owner and administrator. We serve at his pleasure.


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## Beowulf

calvin said:


> Throwing the baby out with the bathwater here.
> Am I risking a ban? Probably. I can see someone advocating shooting a cheating spouse being banned for a week or ten days.
> What I feel CSS did was insult the the Mod,not knowing that person was a Mod.
> Yes she said ban yourself your in a bad mood.No she didnt know this was a Mod til after the fact.
> Mods should never be disrepected as anyone else on this site.That being said I feel the Mod took a I'll show you attitude.
> A first time offense does not warrent this kind of treatment.
> This is my opinion and mine alone.
> Even a criminal is given a chance the first time
> I also didnt see where CSS went off topic,I've read it over and over.
> One size...a blanket policey seems to be unfair.
> I feel things should be taken on a case by case basis.
> No disrepect here but I know now that I might be banned now for speaking out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with you calvin. "On topic" is very subjective. I did not see those posts as being off topic nor did I feel that thread was highjacked. Of course now that the posts have been deleted we can't really analyze them can we? But I specifically recall CSS' post to the mod and while not sugary polite it was not a personal attack. I maintain the mod was imperious and did not like being called out. I again respectfully request that decision be overturned.


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## Sara8

calvin said:


> I can see someone advocating shooting a cheating spouse being banned for a week or ten days.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In some civilized european countries, killing a cheating spouse and/or their lover is considered temporary insanity and The BS is exonerated. 

Just sayin'

But back on topic, I have seen members threatening to report posts that simply hold a harsh but differing opinion, no matter how politely that opinion was expressed. 

I think sometimes the Mods just can't keep track of a long thread and if a group of friends band together to report the post, the mods may feel pressured.


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## Beowulf

Amplexor said:


> Some posts have to be deleted. On occasion we'll get hard core porn posted. Sometimes it's a copy-write issue. (Posting the rulesl of teh 180) In some cases the posts are just so rude, creepy or insulting it's just better to take them down to nip it in the bud. Jacked threads are often cleaned up, again, for the purpose of keeping the dissuasion on the OP and not a pissing match between a few members. I've personally cleaned up running gun battles that went for 3 or 4 pages. In other cases we'll leave the post up so people can see why a regular member was banned.
> 
> The forum allows the mods to ban anyone. I'd say 95% of the bans are 1. Spammers 2. Trolls. I would guess between the bunch of us we ban half a dozen each day. Generally if its a long term member that is pushing the line, we will discuss as a group and it generally starts with a warning or temp ban. If it's flagrant, we will act pretty quickly as an individual.
> 
> If you have a serious issue with a mod and don't feel they are acting in a proper manner I would suggest you PM Chris H. He is the site owner and administrator. We serve at his pleasure.


Are you saying that you all got together and decided that CSS's post warranted a 7 day ban? I find that fact very disturbing.

Please tell me how I may contact Chris H.

Edit: Are you planning on correcting the Forum Rules that were posted to reflect this new policy? If CSS knew the rules and her post reflected that knowledge how do you reconcile her ban?


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## calvin

I have a feeling this thread will be shut down soon. Because some..not all of the Mod Gods dont like it and feel disrespected.
Without the Mods running this site and doing the work they do,Tams would not excist.I appreciate their hard work but for a first offense is just not right.
A second chance is encouraged here a lot when a person has wronged someone.....everyone deserve that second chance do they not?
Just like CSS has a second chance with us.
To deny that just seems wrong.As one mod put it
"if it was up to me you'd be banned forever"
Harsh to say the least,compassion is lacking here sometimes.
A BS and a WS can bother trigger.
A little understanding goes a long way.
Especially for someone who has done so much good,the has one slip up....ugh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson

Amplexor said:


> Some posts have to be deleted. On occasion we'll get hard core porn posted. Sometimes it's a copy-write issue. (Posting the rulesl of teh 180) In some cases the posts are just so rude, creepy or insulting it's just better to take them down to nip it in the bud. Jacked threads are often cleaned up, again, for the purpose of keeping the dissuasion on the OP and not a pissing match between a few members. I've personally cleaned up running gun battles that went for 3 or 4 pages. In other cases we'll leave the post up so people can see why a regular member was banned.


And if these "running gun battles" are:

1) between the OP and someone else both presenting their opposing cases rationally and logically, and
2) still centered on the original topic?



> If you have a serious issue with a mod and don't feel they are acting in a proper manner I would suggest you PM Chris H. He is the site owner and administrator. We serve at his pleasure.


Speaking for myself, I don't recall whether or not the notice I received when I tried logging in from the cornfield said who pulled the trigger, although I do recall a message stating the official reason it was pulled. Assuming for a moment that it did...it wouldn't do much good as

1) even on a temp ban, there's no access to communicate with the banning mod and/or Chris via the board...even accessing the member list to try to find alternate contact info is disabled to those who aren't active members, and
2) assuming this board's infrastructure works like every other board I've run, once a post is deleted, it's gone for good, never to return...the damage to the discussion is done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

CSS did not argue with anyone,yes there was a running battle going on that CSS took no part in
I feel the Mod took his/her frustrations out on CSS,since she was the only one to get banned
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor

Beowulf said:


> Are you saying that you all got together and decided that CSS's post warranted a 7 day ban? I find that fact very disturbing.
> 
> Please tell me how I may contact Chris H.
> 
> Edit: Are you planning on correcting the Forum Rules that were posted to reflect this new policy? If CSS knew the rules and her post reflected that knowledge how do you reconcile her ban?


No she was not discussed as a group and let me clarify, we don't generally discuss a temp ban. Sometimes a permanent one, but that depends on the situation and the individual.. Sorry if I clouded the issue.


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## Halien

Okay, there are lots of assertions based on limited information about what really happened. 

I understand the concerns about this thread subject, and would second Amp's suggestion to PM Chris if you wish to continue the discussion.

Please feel free to add the suggestions about how other sites work to the suggestion box portion of the site, but since this is the Coping with Infidelity section I'm moving the thread.


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## Eli-Zor

There seems to be plenty of advice on how a mod should manage the forum, if there are unhappy folk out there that think they can do a better job then apply for it. 

Its not down to a vote or a personal view who gets banned or not, its down to making a decision to keep the forum on track. 

I for one think the mods do a great job considering the volume and types of post that flow though here daily.


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## Coffee Amore

Beowulf said:


> Are you saying that you all got together and decided that CSS's post warranted a 7 day ban? I find that fact very disturbing.
> 
> Please tell me how I may contact Chris H.
> 
> Edit: Are you planning on correcting the Forum Rules that were posted to reflect this new policy? If CSS knew the rules and her post reflected that knowledge how do you reconcile her ban?


I've moderated two large boards and each board had a private hidden forum just for the mods/admins (whatever they were called on that particular site). They discussed among other topics who was banned. I don't know why a similar discussion here among the mods would be disturbing. I would fully expect mods and admins to discuss who gets banned, for what reason, for how long, are there mitigating factors, the poster's previous history on the site, etc.


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## Grayson

Coffee Amore said:


> I've moderated two large boards and each board had a private hidden forum just for the mods/admins (whatever they were called on that particular site). They discussed among other topics who was banned. I don't know why a similar discussion here among the mods would be disturbing. I would fully expect mods and admins to discuss who gets banned, for what reason, for how long, are there mitigating factors, the poster's previous history on the site, etc.


I don't think Beowulf is suggesting that such a discussion, in and of itself, is disturbing, but rather that a consensus to ban for a week in these specific circumstances is disturbing, as he finds the "punishment" to be excessive for the perceived "crime."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

Yeah, i think he meant that the fact they ALL decided it should be 7 days rather than less is what's disturbing.

I am very pleasantly surprised to see this thread moved and unlocked. Thanks mods!!

As for giving advice, why not ??? If we were demanding they all step down and said they were doing a totally lousy job that's one thing. But giving constructive criticism is just that, constructive.

I'm surprised so many people seem to think the mods should be able to run things however they want to without questioning by anyone ever.


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## Chris H.

Beowulf said:


> Regarding rule #2, the mod in question did in fact delete posts in the allegedly "highjacked" thread. In point of fact a great many posts were deleted, some that actually, at least in part, were very relevant to the topic being discussed.


Regarding rule#2 - it is really directed at people who contact us asking to "cancel their accounts and delete their posts." We don't do that.

We do delete posts that violate forum guidelines on a regular basis in order to keep this place a supportive environment.

I will try to reword rule #2 to make it more clear.


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## calvin

Hang in there CSS,you'll be back on soon...love you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos

I run a forum and have moderated several over the years. Decisions about deleting posts and banning members aren't made lightly. Whilst I'm not au fait with what happened here, the health, welfare and direction of a forum is a moderator's duty. As members, it's our duty to abide by the forum's rules and not try to undermine the authority of people who are there solely to ensure the smooth running of things.


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## Beowulf

Cosmos said:


> I run a forum and have moderated several over the years. Decisions about deleting posts and banning members isn't made lightly. Whilst I'm not au fait with what happened here, the health, welfare and direction of a forum is a moderator's duty. As members, it's our duty to abide by the forum's rules and not try to undermine the authority of people who are there solely to ensure the smooth running of things.


I'm also a former mod from way back. I agree with you completely. I was privy to the entire thread and was witness to what transpired. IMO this ban was unjustified and a knee jerk reaction. A warning was issued by a mod however CSS did not know it was a mod. There had been another post earlier in the thread by a non mod that threatened bans because that poster did not approve of the direction of the conversation (no it was not the OP). I believe CSS thought this was another "fresh" poster. She simply said "ban yourself" as a response. That was the entirety of her offense.


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## Cosmos

Thank you, Beowulf. In an instance like that, it might have been preferable for the mod to delete CSS' post and issue her with a warning via PM, rather than ban her outright.


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## Beowulf

Cosmos said:


> Thank you, Beowulf. In an instance like that, it might have been preferable for the mod to delete CSS' post and issue her with a warning via PM, rather than ban her outright.


Those are my words almost exactly. Sometimes the desire for order has to be balanced with a little compassion and understanding, especially when you take into account the emotionally charged issues we tackle here on a daily basis.

It may not seem like much of an inconvenience to some on TAM but taking this outlet away from someone who is struggling can be devastating and have unforeseen long term implications.


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## calvin

At work when a employee is disiplined there is a process,a grievence is filed and both Management and the union hammer out a compromise,this can range from a verbal or written warning all the way to suspension or termination depending on the seriousness of the offence,the employees past is taken into account as is their job performence.
Maybe Tams needs a "shop steward" of sorts to represent and plead a members case.
Yes I know there is no such thing as a union web site and we are not employees,we can come and go as we please......just an idea,I'm not even sure if its a good idea but just for sh!ts and giggles I nominate Beowulf!!!,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jh52

Calvin -- say hey to CSS for me. Hope you two are doing well this weekend. Suppose to cool off tomorrow -- hope so.

Take care !!


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## calvin

I will jh,hot man you aint kidding been a long week,just got home from work,as soon as she's done cutting the grass and other chores I 'll tell her! Hey maybe I can use her ban to my advantage! no..not a good idea,she says hi...I got to go cut the grass now before I can come out and play...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

How much f*cking grass do you have? You sound like you live on a sod farm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

I wish I had a sh!t load of grass,the kind you dont have to cut!
Acutally I took over doing my neighbors this summer,he cant do it right now...soo double the grass in this heat,double the fun! Where are my fvcking goats when you need them!?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor

Just to clarify who the mods are and for those using phone apps, here's the list.

827Aug Moderator	Female

Amplexor Moderator	Male

Chris H Forum Administrator Male

Deejo Moderator	Male

Halien Moderator	Male

Leahdorus	Moderator	Female

swedish Moderator	Female

sweetpea	Moderator	Female


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## calvin

Thanks for the info Amp
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson

Amplexor said:


> Just to clarify who the mods are and for those using phone apps, here's the list.
> 
> 827Aug Moderator	Female
> 
> Amplexor Moderator	Male
> 
> Chris H Forum Administrator Male
> 
> Deejo Moderator	Male
> 
> Halien Moderator	Male
> 
> Leahdorus	Moderator	Female
> 
> swedish Moderator	Female
> 
> sweetpea	Moderator	Female


Good info, Amp.

If I can make a suggestion, since the mobile version of the site doesn't show users' forum titles, perhaps when a public "Hey...knock it off!" is posted, the mod in question also include a link to his/her profile? It could help prevent situations just like this one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown

calvin said:


> Throwing the baby out with the bathwater here.
> *Am I risking a ban? Probably*. I can see someone advocating shooting a cheating spouse being banned for a week or ten days.
> What I feel CSS did was insult the the Mod,not knowing that person was a Mod.
> Yes she said ban yourself your in a bad mood.No she didnt know this was a Mod til after the fact.
> Mods should never be disrepected as anyone else on this site.That being said I feel the Mod took a I'll show you attitude.
> A first time offense does not warrent this kind of treatment.
> This is my opinion and mine alone.
> Even a criminal is given a chance the first time
> I also didnt see where CSS went off topic,I've read it over and over.
> One size...a blanket policey seems to be unfair.
> I feel things should be taken on a case by case basis.
> *No disrepect here but I know now that I might be banned now for speaking out.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agree with the bolded statements. Mods do not like to be challenged, so even if you have a valid point, you may still be banned for arguing with a mod.


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## calvin

FirstYearDown said:


> Agree with the bolded statements. Mods do not like to be challenged, so even if you have a valid point, you may still be banned for arguing with a mod.


We all have bad days and if we over react,we should step back and see that maybe we jumped the gun.It does happen in everyday life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

And if we cross someone it does matter how bad our infraction was.
I would'nt write someone off if they said the wrong thing to me once.I give second chances and I'm usually not sorry in doing so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Morning CSS,two more days and your back.Should I throw a welcome back party?
Love you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Welcome back CSS! I love you honey!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

I am embarrassed that all of this was because of me. I really am sorry, I learned from now on to check a profile and think before I speak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

did I miss a revolt whilst I was away?

damn


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## CantSitStill

Hi AR! I just got back on today..now I know how addicted to this site I am
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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