# Looking for perspective



## greenpoole1 (Mar 31, 2013)

Will try and keep this short but would be grateful for views, as I'm struggling to get a grip on this situation. My wife and I have been married for 18 years; we have a 17 year old child. I'm now 49 and at an emotional crossroads. A new job and a great deal of support from former colleagues has been a real ego boost. I have been getting fit and feeling much more optimistic about the future recently. About three weeks ago I started developing what I can only describe as a crush on a work colleague, experiencing feelings I haven't had since my early twenties and have never really felt with my wife. These emotions came out of the blue and have taken me completely by surprise. I have no intention of pursuing the crush, recognizing it as a projection of my imaginary ideal, at a time of positive change in my life. My colleague has no idea and I'm sure the feelings are not reciprocated. She opened up to me about problems at home and I felt very protective towards her.
This is where it should end, of course, but this experience has forced me to face up to the fact that I'm not in love with my wife, something I've kept buried for many years. She is a lovely person and a wonderful mother but I cannot ever recall feeling this intensity of emotion for her. She had an affair with a work colleague 8 years ago, motivated, I think, by work stress and a perception that I was not in love with her. At the time I was heartbroken, terrified I would lose my family. We worked hard to save the marriage. I was desperate to keep my family together, sparing my daughter the disruption I was raised with. Had we been childless we would have gone our separate ways. I respect and care for my wife and she says she loves me. We are, I suppose, settling into early middle age of companionship. 
About a week ago I told her how I was feeling; I was very honest. She was clearly hurt but typical of her she remained pragmatic and said she would give me time to make a decision. Her ability to compartmentalize emotional pain can make her appear invulnerable - she has hardly cried - but she says she is in pain (the last thing I want for her). She says she is happy for us to carry on as we are, but I want more for her and me. I would like to meet someone else, someone who shares their feelings more freely. Well that's it. For those of you have managed to get to the end of this I'd be grateful for any thoughts.


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## redwing_10 (Mar 29, 2012)

Of course, a person can't control what feelings might come over them, but the fact that you recognize this crush and pursueing it would be wrong is good. Don't pursue it. It is fleeting, and those feeling will disappear at some time in the future. You could end up in the same situation as you are in now.

If you aren't in love with your wife, ok. You said you haven't been in love with your wife for many years but have kept it buried. And the intensity has never been there. And here is where our situations are simialar... my wife and I have been married 19 years, and emotionally I am in the same place, I want a better life for us both. Our issues have to do with verbal abuse directed toward me, and I think my wife has borderline personality disorder. I simply cant go forward like this for the next 20+ years... I am 54. There is no peace in our house and all three children have told me I should divorce my wife. I don't dislike my wife, she is a wonderful person in many many ways. I am good about self analysis about some things, and sometimes my wife will point out when I do something that hurts her feelings. I look at it, acknowledge it and then apologize. Some mistakes I make again, some I dont. On her end... she is not good at self analysis or apology... at all. My point here is that I think in all relationships, hurt feelings on both sides are par for the course. Both people should be able to see falult and apologize. If both people can see the best in eachother first, instead of the worse, it makes things better. 

All that to come to this... I am where you are at also.... I came to the conclusion that I would rather be alone than do what I am doing now. I really don't think love is a feeling...or I don't think those giddy feelings people have for eachother at first are love at all. Love is action, it is doing. I think it is a decision to love someone. I dont think there are easy answers. 

Something else to think about... I have.... we are at that age ...midlife... changes happen. The first part of our lives were based on being successful. Once we achieve that.... great. At my age, focus has changed... I want to be significant. To make a difference. 

One thing that was eye opening to me. I watched a show called "This Emotional Life"... it is on Amazon prime and Netflix. Watch the fist episode, say starting at about 1:17 into the show. It profiles two couples, one young and one old. It profiles the couple that has been married 40 years and describes the pain that they went thru and now at 40 years married, I get the sense that they are just starting to understand and appreciate eachother. Tough journey though. Then there is a younger couple. Now, what got me was that the way the wife acted toward the husband at first is the way my house is. The change in the couple that occurs thru counseling is nothing short of amazing. Each party owns up to thier own stuff, and has a deeper understanding of eachother. I am so envious of the younger couple in the show, that they got help early. 

I have tried to get my wife to go to counseling.. wont go..it is all my fault. I have tried everything I can think of, but no response. If I could get some response I might have a ray of light. I do think that if you can work things out with your wife, there will be a deeper understanding and possible great reward. Be yourself, do what you want to do, and if she wants to come along with you, great, try to foster that. And I guess if you do everything you can do, then it is decision time. 

Thats all I can think of now, I know it is jumbled... but I am lost in this arena too. Hope something helps...well at least you know you arent' alone....


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