# Need Help



## Concerned12 (Jan 4, 2018)

My wife and I have been together for 13 years (we are 31 and 28)and have been seemingly happy throughout that time. I am strongly against alcohol, tobacco, etc. Which is certainly known to my other half. We have never participated in any of the aforementioned activities until recently, she has gotten new work friends that drink like fish and therefore has been trying things out. I try to not say anything in regards to this however my views are extremely strong on this and I don't care for it. I don't like it in the house, I can't stand to be around it. Maybe, I am over thinking this but I can't figure out what the change is after 13 years... I thought I could deal with her wanting to try things out but it gives me strong anxiety even mentioning it let alone being surrounded by it. She hasn't gone overboard with it as of yet. I know I am in the minority being against alcohol but I don't know what to do. I don't want to try and control her or anything of that nature but on some level I feel like there should be enough respect knowing how much I despise it, that she would lay off of it.. any help or input would be appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often is your wife drinking now? And how much?

What's the circumstance? Is it when she goes out with her friends? Or is she now keeping alcohol at home and drinking at home as well?


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## Concerned12 (Jan 4, 2018)

She is not drinking in obsess as of yet.. she has had one pretty big party night where she drank a good bit but New year's was about half a bottle of wine..? we are people that keep to ourselves for the most part due to our schedules and kids, we have limited time to destress. . we have been out with her friends where they try to continually fill her up and it's all I can do to not say anything.. she gives in more than I would like to see and it makes me worry how far it would go without me there.. most recently she encouraged me to go hunting because she wanted to see a movie with her friends (this is on our 13th year anniversary together). We discussed roughly when we would be home. She ended up going out "to eat" after the movie and did not relay this to me and ended telling my mother that I would be over to pick up my son and it would be ok to have dinner. She had a pinch too much and I get a message that she needed a ride so I went to pick her up.. never ever happened before. I feel like I was lied to and that she had full intentions on this after plan but again maybe I am thinking too much into it.. regardless, there is some alcohol in the house, not a lot and is wanting to get some when we go out or to the store to try some out. Her reasonings are so she can relax but I don't buy into it, I feel there are other ways.. she is not drinking every night or anything.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

These are co-workers of your W? Other than the drinking is there any other behavior exhibited now that was not exhibited before going out for "drinks" with the coworkers?

Blowing off the 13th year anniversary is concerning. What is the draw that pulled your W away? I do not believe it is alcohol Your W could very well drink at your anniversary dinner.


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

Concerned12 said:


> She had a pinch too much and I get a message that she needed a ride so I went to pick her up.. never ever happened before. I feel like I was lied to and that she had full intentions on this after plan but again maybe I am thinking too much into it..


Maybe you are, and it was like she said, a spur of the moment plan and things got out of hand and she drank too much. Or maybe she had every intention of staying out late with her new friends and getting plastered, but needed a way to do it without upsetting you.

This could be nothing, or it could be the beginning of really bad things for your marriage. Anytime a spouse takes up bar-hopping and boozing with new friends seemingly out of the blue is a cause for concern. 

Are these new work friends divorced women? If so, I would say you may have a major problem on your hands. Divorce and cheating is extremely contagious with women, add in alcohol and bar hopping solo, and there's a good chance your marriage sees radical changes for the worse in 2018.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You have reasons to be concerned. You need to sit her down and be honest with your feelings to her. Career woman here & worked in the same workplace on same job for 28 years. Party people in my workplace are the single men & women. Married ones have not remained married for long. She is not single, have children & a husband to go home to. It is a matter of time when your family life will be disrupted with her party behaviors which includes this new behavior of drinking. To give you notice, one of our top party girls in the office is 3 times married and only 52 & still partying. You should be more than concerned.


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## Concerned12 (Jan 4, 2018)

I believe she is far more stressed out with our 4yr old and 2yr old than ever before which is evident by her short temper towards them and possibly the reason she is trying to escape.. on the drinking at our dinner, she knows where I stand with alcohol and prefer it not to be around so I assume it would be her way not to start anything...


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## Concerned12 (Jan 4, 2018)

Her drinking again is not in obsess and is generally in a private setting with friends or at a real restaurant so far. Her main work friends are single moms with major guy issues and I believe this is their way of coping with all of it and is dragging her in to it because it supposedly helps them settle down..


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Concerned12 said:


> I believe she is far more stressed out with our 4yr old and 2yr old than ever before which is evident by her short temper towards them and possibly the reason she is trying to escape.. on the drinking at our dinner, she knows where I stand with alcohol and prefer it not to be around so I assume it would be her way not to start anything...


So, your W is ok with drinking without you around? This is something you do not wish to be happening. But it does. What else is your W capable of when you are not around? 

Concerning the kids, the short temper is stemming from something else outside of what the kids are doing. What is it? How is her temper with you?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Concerned12 said:


> Her drinking again is not in obsess and is generally in a private setting with friends or at a real restaurant so far. Her main work friends are single moms with major guy issues and I believe this is their way of coping with all of it and is dragging her in to it because it supposedly helps them settle down..


Her co-workers are toxic. This is a bad situation. Your W is not a relationship expert. However, listening to this gets the gear turning in your W head.


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## Concerned12 (Jan 4, 2018)

I have talked to her about it and she knows where I stand.. she makes it out that I am trying to control her which I have family that has went all the way down the drinking path and has ended in death which probably doesn't help with my hatred of mind altering substances..


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I am with you on mind altering substances. I take care of my body and these escapes have no place in mine. I don't get why so many people have no self control. Just look at how many people are obese in our country! Alcohol has ruined many lives and families, devastating. 

How is your marriage? Are you two intimate? How often are you two having sex and kissing?


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## Concerned12 (Jan 4, 2018)

My wife only drank once without that I am aware of on our anniversary.. honestly, I don't think she would ever cheat or anything of that nature. Our relationship is good with the typical arguments and disagreements. Our sex life is pretty good as well happening consistently and frequently. Almost every other day providing our schedules mesh.. there are times we see each other for only 30 minutes for days.. On some level, I think she has missed out earlier in life on trying out drinks and what not.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Concerned12 said:


> I have talked to her about it and she knows where I stand.. she makes it out that I am trying to control her which I have family that has went all the way down the drinking path and has ended in death which probably doesn't help with my hatred of mind altering substances..


The good old "you are controlling me." Certainly this statement has been heard from one of the co-workers. That is a certainty. Soon your W will stating how bad you are and the marriage is a mess. You have witnessed what drinking can do to a person yet your W is not concerned. If you are driving your vehicle at an excessive speed and your W asks to slow down do you mash the pedal to the floor instead? 

It is time for MC.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Concerned12 said:


> On some level, I think she has missed out earlier in life on trying out drinks and what not.


Now we are going the mid-life crisis route? I have missed out on a lot early in life yet I do not seek to go find these things I missed out on.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

These single women are not good choices for friends, certainly not good drinking buddies.
Think about it, would single guys make good drinking buddies for a married man? Could you think of any problems that could come up from those relationships?
I would talk with her and let her know that your don’t like for her to go out drinking, you don’t like for her to go out drinking with single women. It’s not about controlling her it is about telling her how you feel about things and what your expectations are of her as your wife.


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

Concerned12 said:


> My wife only drank once without that I am aware of on our anniversary.. honestly, I don't think she would ever cheat or anything of that nature.


Famous last words said by the millions of men being cheated on.



Concerned12 said:


> On some level, I think she has missed out earlier in life on trying out drinks and what not.


What else did she miss out on she may want to try out? 

If she's starting with the "you're controlling me stuff" because you voice displeasure of her drinking and behaving like a single woman, it's likely going down an avenue that is going to end very badly.

I would say start playing the same game, you don't drink but find another avenue to create a social life outside your wife, ignore her objections and claim she's being controlling. Her tune will change. Right now you're just an annoying nag to her sitting home and pining and complaining about her newfound freedom. Couple in all her new divorced single mom friends telling her how you're controlling, just like their ex and your wife is creating a toxic situation for you and you're doing exactly what you shouldn't. Don't complain, explain how you feel it's pushing reasonable boundaries and negatively impacting the marriage, then push them yourself, don't insist she stop, she'll think you controlling and become resentful.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

JayDee7 said:


> These single women are not good choices for friends, certainly not good drinking buddies.
> Think about it, would single guys make good drinking buddies for a married man? Could you think of any problems that could come up from those relationships?
> I would talk with her and let her know that your don’t like for her to go out drinking, you don’t like for her to go out drinking with single women. It’s not about controlling her it is about telling her how you feel about things and what your expectations are of her as your wife.


 
Your W does not see this as a toxic situation. Birds of a feather as it were.


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## Concerned12 (Jan 4, 2018)

Again, these are things that I am guessing on because her reasonings only go as deep as wanting to try to stuff and want to relax..


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Concerned12 said:


> Again, these are things that I am guessing on because her reasonings only go as deep as wanting to try to stuff and want to relax..


Stop guessing and start asking. Your W reasoning are crap. Self medicating to relax is a problem.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Your user name is accurate. I think you should be very concerned. Not just about the drinking, that's just a small symptom at this point, but about the state of the marriage in general. Do you know these "friends"?


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## Concerned12 (Jan 4, 2018)

The argument is that it's not like she's going out and getting plastered.. more or less just a buzz or w.e. and it's been when I'm with her except for once..


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## Concerned12 (Jan 4, 2018)

I mean yes I've been around them several times, I don't talk to them on a personal level but the two main ones have kids about the same age as ours. Even her mother tries to get her drinks and what not, which makes it very difficult.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Are you prepared to end your marriage if it escalates, or if it just simply continues?


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## Concerned12 (Jan 4, 2018)

At this point, I love my wife and would not consider this..


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

You've been with your wife since you two were 15/18. People change, frequently quite a bit between those ages. This might be one of them. People between 15 and 31 tend to experiment with alcohol and other items. The change is not her co-workers influencing her- it's that she's nearly 30 and has figured out that she does not have to mirror your beliefs. 

I'm going against the grain here--this is controlling behavior. You may be against drinking alcohol but your wife apparently is not. You cannot expect her to take actions for something YOU are against. The best you can do is either control your anxieties or divorce your wife.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

FrenchFry said:


> You've been with your wife since you two were 15/18. People change, frequently quite a bit between those ages. This might be one of them. People between 15 and 31 tend to experiment with alcohol and other items. The change is not her co-workers influencing her- it's that she's nearly 30 and has figured out that she does not have to mirror your beliefs.
> 
> I'm going against the grain here--this is controlling behavior. You may be against drinking alcohol but your wife apparently is not. You cannot expect her to take actions for something YOU are against. The best you can do is either control your anxieties or divorce your wife.


Asking one's significant other to not drink is not controlling. Asking allows a choice and not controlling. Demanding allows no choice and is controlling. Advising another they see a relationship(single co-workers)that this is not good is better than sticking one's head in the sand.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Yeswecan said:


> Asking one's significant other to not drink is not controlling. Asking allows a choice and not controlling. Demanding allows no choice and is controlling. Advising another they see a relationship(single co-workers)that this is not good is better than sticking one's head in the sand.


I don't play this "asking" game when it comes to personal boundaries and this is a personal boundary. Everything else is scapegoating and avoidance.

He is strongly against alcohol. She is not.

She also knows this and personally, I would advise her to not drink or leave him as well--but he is here and she is not. However, since she knows his feelings about drinking and she wants to drink, of course she is going to give half-truths to avoid judgement/arguments/etc. 

Because this is a black and white issue in regards to drinking and we can only control our own behavior, the answer seems clear.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I would divorce for her sake. Allow her the opportunity to do with her body as she pleases without judgement from her life partner when she is well within reason. As you are within reason to not be with someone who wants to occasionally have a glass of wine at dinner. I don't jive well with people who try and control my actions where they have no,business sticking their nose into it. You can voice your displeasure at my life's choices, but if they dont impact you personally, I think you are just being a hypocrite and a jerk. Does having a glass of wine at dinner impact your daily life? Does her one time going out with friends impact your daily life? No, not really. It might impact how you see her as a person, but that is your own hangup, not hers. 

Also, if anyone ever has any slight doubt in their relationship, loads of these broken down individuals will crawl out of the woodwork saying the spouse who does anything against the posters wishes is obviously a cheater. So you will have to excuse these broken people with no hope at a healthy relationship coming out to project their own insecurities on your own situation.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

FrenchFry said:


> You've been with your wife since you two were 15/18. People change, frequently quite a bit between those ages. This might be one of them. People between 15 and 31 tend to experiment with alcohol and other items. The change is not her co-workers influencing her- it's that she's nearly 30 and has figured out that she does not have to mirror your beliefs.
> 
> I'm going against the grain here--this is controlling behavior. You may be against drinking alcohol but your wife apparently is not. You cannot expect her to take actions for something YOU are against. The best you can do is either control your anxieties or divorce your wife.


This is essentially where i was going with my question.

You don't have to be okay with her behavior. But you really have no recourse other than to leave.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> FrenchFry said:
> 
> 
> > You've been with your wife since you two were 15/18. People change, frequently quite a bit between those ages. This might be one of them. People between 15 and 31 tend to experiment with alcohol and other items. The change is not her co-workers influencing her- it's that she's nearly 30 and has figured out that she does not have to mirror your beliefs.
> ...


I agree with all of this. Its not like she is a party animal out there living a single lifestyle. She went out one time with co-workers for a drink. Outside of that she hasn't had a sip outside of your view. If this is really something you can't handle, then just get a divorce. There are plenty of women who agree with your mindset on the subject. Just as there are plenty of men who would have no problem with your wife's actions. You two got married before you took the time to become individuals. Only now you are finding who and what she is and who and what you are don't mesh. Nothing wrong with either you or her, you just may not be meant for one another. Simple as that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Concerned12 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 13 years (we are 31 and 28)and have been seemingly happy throughout that time. I am strongly against alcohol, tobacco, etc. Which is certainly known to my other half. We have never participated in any of the aforementioned activities until recently, she has gotten new work friends that drink like fish and therefore has been trying things out. I try to not say anything in regards to this however my views are extremely strong on this and I don't care for it. I don't like it in the house, I can't stand to be around it. Maybe, I am over thinking this but I can't figure out what the change is after 13 years... I thought I could deal with her wanting to try things out but it gives me strong anxiety even mentioning it let alone being surrounded by it. She hasn't gone overboard with it as of yet. I know I am in the minority being against alcohol but I don't know what to do. I don't want to try and control her or anything of that nature but on some level I feel like there should be enough respect knowing how much I despise it, that she would lay off of it.. any help or input would be appreciated.


So here's the deal. Women grow up being told 'how to be.' They grow up learning to model the behavior their father deems 'appropriate' - don't dress provocatively, don't swear, don't get in fights, etc. They 'depend' on their dad for his guidance, approval, and do/are what HE wants, to please him. 

Typically, they will start to express their own beliefs and opinions as they age into teen years and early adulthood. Typically, they'll get a job or go to college and try on several different guys for dating before settling down and marrying one of them. All while being their own person. 

Sometimes they'll marry young, especially if they came from a bad childhood, and will transfer their dependency on their father onto their new husband. And things are fine, for awhile. Early 20s are spent dipping the toe into adulthood, trying it on, but still being 'guided' by what someone else - someone male - has told them is appropriate, and what they should believe. 

Very often, such women never gave a second thought to what THEY really believe; that comfort zone they get from living in their new husband's 'acceptable world' is good enough for the young adult, whose brain hasn't stopped developing, not until around age 25. 

But once they DO hit real adulthood at around age 25, they're also at the stage where they are realizing their own capabilities, and they need that comfort zone, that protection, that borrowed set of sensibilities less and less. Especially if they're working outside the home and experiencing life that is NOT within their husband's sense of right and wrong. 

For instance, say her husband told her when she was 15 that people who drive convertibles are reckless, dangerous people who are not God-fearing good people. She'll accept that at 15 because, well, she is a CHILD. Her new father figure is telling her how to think; it's all she knows. 

But then she gets a job and she goes to lunch with one of the ladies at work and guess what? The woman has a convertible! Now, if this woman is 19, or even 25, her first thought will be 'oh no, I can't go to lunch with this woman, she's evil!' But if she meets this woman when she's 27 or 28, she'll have already started to come up with her OWN beliefs. So she gives the coworker a chance and goes to lunch with her. And discovers this woman is just lovely, VERY nice, very giving, just a great person. 

So in her brain, she starts to see the dichotomies between what she's been 'taught' by her husband and what she is seeing firsthand. She starts to wonder - if I've discovered that this thing he's taught me isn't true, isn't what I believe, I wonder what else he's taught me that I will have a hard time believing? So she starts questioning not only her comfort zone and her beliefs (which were fed to her), but also her need for dependence on another person. And the older she gets and she sees she CAN get a great job, pay for things herself, protect herself, the more she wants to start thinking for herself. 

I've watched women do this for a good 20 years now on forums. It almost always plays out the same way and, depending on how the MAN in the situation handles it, the outcome will go one of three ways. 

He can either embrace her growth and change, explore it with her, encourage her to figure out what she believes and share it with him, and maybe let it open HIS eyes a bit, too. That couple will grow old together, happily. 

Or he can react negatively and try to 'rein her in' to force her to go back to what she was, what he molded (without realizing he was doing it) her into, and stick to HIS beliefs. This man will insecurely believe that if she doesn't stick to what he wants, she'll break free and escape and he'll be left alone. So he tries to control her even harder, through criticism, anger, manipulation, insults, and unwillingness to listen to her. That couple will divorce. Maybe he'll find another, more mature this time, woman later who shares the same beliefs and they'll be happy.

Or, he simply has no tolerance for her changes because he simply believes that what HE likes and wants is what SHE should like and want, and if she refuses, he simply won't tolerate it. In other words, she is an appendage of his, not a real person with her own feelings and thoughts and beliefs, and every effort she makes to do something new or try something out, he will try to crush her into submission. This woman will run for the hills. And he'll spend the rest of his life jumping from woman to woman because he mistakenly expects them all to be, well, blow-up dolls he can control and as each woman discovers this about him, she will leave.

Now, can excessive drinking be bad? Of course. But I'll suggest you take a closer look to see WHY she's doing this. I, too, went through a phase at around age 28, started going to happy hours with my coworker and drinking tequila. I even joined a bowling league with her for awhile. I'm sure my H would have rather I came straight home to him every day, but he was smart enough to realize he trusted me and if he acted like a morally superior or jealous person, I would rebel even further. One of the reasons I'm still married to him. btw, that phase of mine lasted 8 or 9 months and then I just went back to being a homebody. I tried it, wasn't for me, and I moved on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Concerned12 said:


> it's all I can do to not say anything.. she gives in more than I would like to see and it makes me worry how far it would go without me there..


You're not her dad.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

turnera said:


> Concerned12 said:
> 
> 
> > My wife and I have been together for 13 years (we are 31 and 28)and have been seemingly happy throughout that time. I am strongly against alcohol, tobacco, etc. Which is certainly known to my other half. We have never participated in any of the aforementioned activities until recently, she has gotten new work friends that drink like fish and therefore has been trying things out. I try to not say anything in regards to this however my views are extremely strong on this and I don't care for it. I don't like it in the house, I can't stand to be around it. Maybe, I am over thinking this but I can't figure out what the change is after 13 years... I thought I could deal with her wanting to try things out but it gives me strong anxiety even mentioning it let alone being surrounded by it. She hasn't gone overboard with it as of yet. I know I am in the minority being against alcohol but I don't know what to do. I don't want to try and control her or anything of that nature but on some level I feel like there should be enough respect knowing how much I despise it, that she would lay off of it.. any help or input would be appreciated.
> ...


Sage advice. Very well written.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How do you usually handle anniversaries? Sounds like she had no intention of spending any time with you. Are you certain she went to the movie? 

Different folks have different views on what is considered tipsy or drunk now days because of the consequences of getting caught driving. How loaded was she when you had to pick her up? Where was she when you picked her up.
My opinion changed over many years. My experience is women that go out drinking with their friends end up with new partners or husbands over ninety percent of the time. People drink to be different from normal life. I didn’t marry until I was thirty three because I liked running around and partying. I would drop a woman in a heart beat that wanted to drink with out me. Experience IS the best teacher.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Concerned,

Has your W ever said something like "I love you but I'm not in love with you"?

Check your phone bill to see who she is texting and go into spy mode, this change in her behavior is troubling. Even if you find something do not let on what you know. 

It's also very troubling that you W is angry at your children, but it's not uncommon for wives who are drifting away to neglect their children since they are holding them down.

You W might already have some guy or even a girl she believes is a friend, you will likely see a smile on her face when she reads their texts. 

Tamat


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's also common for women who aren't really prepared for the hard parts of being a parent to start barking at the kids. Maybe you guys could get some counseling on raising kids. Or just watch a bunch of Supernanny episodes; it's a great educator, and most of the parents on there just don't have the parenting thing down right.
Official Supernanny Parenting Advice | Reward Charts | Childcare


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Man, @turnera is batting 1000 on this thread.
Concerned12 read her posts and take it to heart.
A concern I would have, and it was mentioned previously, is where and with what does the experimentation stop?
Alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. I think at this point you should tell her stated very clearly how you feel and what your fears are about all of this, then take it from there, however she may respond. If she says you are being 'controlling' explain to her you cannot control what she does but you can control your acceptance of it.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I suspect your wife's friends talk about how controlling you are, and about how much better her life would be if she got rid of you. They chose to divorce. They chose to get rid of their husbands for some reason or another. They probably think she should, too.

I doubt they are envious of her.

They are grooming her to walk away from you, or have an affair while they cover for her.

That's my opinion.

But I am told my view is often clouded by gloom.


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## Aaronk78 (Jan 30, 2018)

Instead of criticizing her for wanting a drink to relax, how about provide an alternative activity for her? Book a spa day, or just run a bath for her at home while you go do something with the kids... instead of criticizing and being controlling just be a better husband. I am gonna take a wild guess and assume she is the primary caretaker of the kids and primarily responsible for dinner and the cleanliness of the house? I am guessing that because in my house I do all the man stuff like fix stuff, maintain vehicles, mow the yard, cook half the meals, and split caretaking of the kid 50/50 and quite frequently I need a drink...

I catch myself getting crappy with my kids sometimes too... Sometimes life isnt fun and kids arent always fun either and you need positive experiences to balance out the crap. Plan an activity with the kids and her too... bring it up in a non-confrontational way that you are concerned about how they have been interacting and offer a solution. How much time do you spend alone? How often do you go on vacations?


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