# How to cope with sexless marriage, or is it time to stop it?



## kingofprussian

I found this forum a week ago during one of many sleepless nights. I'm a married man who has been suffering from a sexless marriage for many years. 2012 was a complete no sex year, but almost every year since 2004 has been 10 times or fewer. We have been to a marriage counselor for the past 5 months and we've gone from no sex to once or twice a month. After MUCH exploring, I realize now that I'm the reason for the sexless-ness. I'm not a very attractive man, physically (for sure, just based on social interactions all my life), but I always thought that I was a good person, and that that would translate, some day, into an active, passionate love life. That never materialized, and in many sessions, my wife and I have discussed my personality problems (a couple dozen of them) that have been the root cause.

I'm grappling with crushed self-esteem and the realization that I'm a poor quality male and (more importantly) poor marriage 'material'. I can't change the past, so asking for my life since 2004 is out of the question. We have two amazing young kids, 6 and 3 and they deserve happy parents.

1) How do I get my self-esteem back? Any guys on here can help with this?
2) I would rather go through 14 days of no sex being separated/divorced than go through 13 days of rejection and 1 night of sex while married. I know I'm the cause of the lack of sex/desire; how can I feel less rejected (and SHOULD I?)
3) Any men here that can give me advice on how to deal with a failed marriage that they didn't want to end because of amazing, loving kids?

I am on anti-depressants, but I'm not sure they're working anymore. I want to explore options before I change my daughters' lives forever. Thanks in advance to anyone who spares the time to reply!


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## trey69

Are you in IC as well? If not, you may need to give that a try. You need some coping skills on how to build up your own self esteem etc. I also think you might be a little to hard on yourself, even though I'm sure in your mind, thats probably how you feel and see it. 

Depression doesn't help much either, that alone can eat away at your self esteem. You said you are not sure if they are working anymore. When was the last time they have been uped or changed? How long have you been on them? Maybe a simple adjustment is all you need with those. 

As far as your wife goes, I'm not real sure what to tell you. Do you feel since you all have been in MC she has any kind of empathy for you? Or at least understands how you feel?


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## kingofprussian

I thought about IC, but I keep thinking about how fruitless that sounds. I am not excited about convincing a therapist about how pathetic I am, then listening to him/her try to convince me otherwise. Seems like a waste of time and aggravating to both people. Can anyone suggest a different approach, such that it doesn't seem ridiculous?

As for my wife, she understands how I feel and does have empathy for me. She's great. She even says that she desires me. Just not enough to have sex one time in 2012 (for example). I think she desires me theoretically, not practically, if that makes sense. She can't make herself be more attracted to me, after all.

Thanks for the reply!


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## unbelievable

I was in the same boat as you for nearly 10 years and it sucked hard. My wife's libido came back naturally and I really don't even know why. I doubt she does. Anyway, it was a slump. A very long, painful, dark slump, but it wasn't a permanent condition. I'm glad I toughed it out.


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## Plan 9 from OS

It sounds like you are pretty sure that you know the root cause(s) for your wife's lack of attraction to you. Would you mind giving us a bit more info to go on?

You state that you know you are not attractive. What do you mean by this specifically? Are you overweight or is there some physical issue that you have that turns your wife off (doesn't like your nose, teeth, ears???). I would say that physical attractiveness can be changed in most cases. The fact that you started with your attractiveness is interesting. Rarely does a person starting this type of thread state that they are physically unappealing. Have you actually had people tell you that you were ugly or not attractive? 

You stated that you don't think you're good marriage material. This dovetails with attractiveness. I would say in more cases than not, a woman will find a man more attractive when the man projects confidence, self respect and a positive attitude.

How are your finances? Are you making good money in a career, little money but a rewarding career, good money but it's "just a job" or are you stick with little money from a dead end job? This plays a role in how women judge men as desirable or not. 

Without seeing you nor seeing your interaction with your wife, my guess is that she does find you unattractive. However, it may not be for the reasons you think. You went straight for physical traits that make you look unattractive as a starter to your OP. However, if I had to venture a guess, I'd say she doesn't find you attractive for these reasons (not all may apply):


Poor self esteem
Lack of confidence
Showing little value for yourself
Does not have self respect
Stuck in a dead end job? Not a good provider?


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## CallaLily

I dated a guy in high school before who was not the best looking guy. But what attracted me to him, emotionally and Physically was, how he carried himself. He had self confidence, and that came across in most all things he did. There is a difference between arrogance and self confidence too, and in his case he was self confident. I think thats an attractive quality not only for women but for men as well. 

I understand you can't just turn on self confidence like a light switch, so my suggestion is to seek out a therapist for yourself who can help you learn coping skills and how to build up your self esteem. Also check into either a different medication or maybe your doctor can up the mgs on the one you have.


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## kingofprussian

I've been keeping a tally of the personality faults I have during our sessions. Some of these are in the past completely, most are not. Without further ado, 

I can withdraw/stonewall
I am angry
I won't talk about everything with my wife
I am not open enough with my wife
I drink too much
I watch porn
I can't touch my wife the way she prefers
I am a poor supporter of my wife during crises
I fall asleep too early
I am too precise and pedantic
I am fat
I am too demanding regarding chores
I play with the kids too much
I dress poorly
I fail to be sexy in bed
I am clumsy in bed
I am too strategic
I snore
I don't apologize enough, or early enough
I don't call my wife enough
I put pressure on my wife to have sex
I can be withdrawn from my wife's family
I read in bed

I'm also thinking that I'm a poor model as a husband to my kids. I believe I'm a good father, though, if that makes sense.

I'm making plenty of money, although I don't enjoy the work anymore and I am 'married' to the job to support my family.

I'm showing obvious signs of not being able to handle how bad a decision I made to marry; I'm guessing that the next MC session is going to be about how the next personality 'hoop' I need to jump through is a self-esteem hoop.


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## Plan 9 from OS

kingofprussian said:


> I've been keeping a tally of the personality faults I have during our sessions. Some of these are in the past completely, most are not. Without further ado,
> 
> I can withdraw/stonewall
> I am angry
> I won't talk about everything with my wife
> I am not open enough with my wife
> I drink too much
> I watch porn
> I can't touch my wife the way she prefers
> I am a poor supporter of my wife during crises
> I fall asleep too early
> I am too precise and pedantic
> I am fat
> I am too demanding regarding chores
> I play with the kids too much
> I dress poorly
> I fail to be sexy in bed
> I am clumsy in bed
> I am too strategic
> I snore
> I don't apologize enough, or early enough
> I don't call my wife enough
> I put pressure on my wife to have sex
> I can be withdrawn from my wife's family
> I read in bed
> 
> I'm also thinking that I'm a poor model as a husband to my kids. I believe I'm a good father, though, if that makes sense.
> 
> I'm making plenty of money, although I don't enjoy the work anymore and I am 'married' to the job to support my family.
> 
> I'm showing obvious signs of not being able to handle how bad a decision I made to marry; I'm guessing that the next MC session is going to be about how the next personality 'hoop' I need to jump through is a self-esteem hoop.


REALLY??? Easily, I bet half of those "faults" are actually your reactions to the garbage your wife heaps upon you. 

List your wife's faults. If you've never done it before, it will be a good exercise for you because 1) it takes 2 to make a marriage work and my guess is that she does things you can't stand either and 2) it would be cathartic for you so that you can realize that you are not the "scourge of the earth" when it comes to your marriage.

The majority of the things on your list are quite easily fixable. I think you are "shell shocked" and are not thinking clearly. You are not nearly as bad as you think you are. 

And you just confirmed for me what I thought. Unless you are morbidly obese, I think your biggest issue is your lack of self worth. I don't think you are taking on WAY too many of the problems within your marriage, and you are not insisting on your wife to "own her sh!t too".


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## Jamison

Do you feel you had some of these traits before married? 

Your meds need to be checked for one. I second the whole thing about seeing a IC. I think a lot of these issues are individually based and will need to be worked on before the marriage can be worked on. Not saying it can't be worked on together, BUT Whatever you feel you are going through individually will make the marriage suffer as a whole. In other words your behavior or the way you feel about yourself effects the others around you and the marriage. 

You kinda have the victim mentality which is part of low self esteem sometimes, thats why these issues will need to be addressed with a IC.

Also if you are gonna make lists of negative things about yourself, you might also want to make a list of the good qualities you see in yourself too. Do the same for you wife if you feel you need to. And she can do the same too.


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## BrockLanders

Who came up with that list, you or your wife?

"Reading in bed" is a problem?! "Too strategic?"


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## Dedicated2Her

> I've been keeping a tally of the personality faults I have during our sessions. Some of these are in the past completely, most are not. Without further ado,
> 
> I can withdraw/stonewall
> I am angry
> I won't talk about everything with my wife
> I am not open enough with my wife
> I drink too much
> I watch porn
> I can't touch my wife the way she prefers
> I am a poor supporter of my wife during crises
> I fall asleep too early
> I am too precise and pedantic
> I am fat
> I am too demanding regarding chores
> I play with the kids too much
> I dress poorly
> I fail to be sexy in bed
> I am clumsy in bed
> I am too strategic
> I snore
> I don't apologize enough, or early enough
> I don't call my wife enough
> I put pressure on my wife to have sex
> I can be withdrawn from my wife's family
> I read in bed
> 
> I'm also thinking that I'm a poor model as a husband to my kids. I believe I'm a good father, though, if that makes sense.
> 
> I'm making plenty of money, although I don't enjoy the work anymore and I am 'married' to the job to support my family.
> 
> I'm showing obvious signs of not being able to handle how bad a decision I made to marry; I'm guessing that the next MC session is going to be about how the next personality 'hoop' I need to jump through is a self-esteem hoop.


THIS IS ABSOLUTE GARBAGE. My ex did this to me. She made me think I was the problem. Which, I was......to a point. In IC, I learned how awesome of a guy I truly was and what I brought to the table. If you don't love yourself or respect yourself, how is someone else supposed to????? 

Time to alpha up. Ever heard of P90X? Get on it. Screw MC. You need IC. She is using MC to prove to herself and to you that you aren't good enough. GARBAGE. It's time to go underground when it comes to your development as a man. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life" are two great books. Get them, and don't let her know you are reading them. 

By the end, my ex admitted to me that she was the problem. After all that crap, I changed and became happy with who I was. Turns out, SHE WASN'T HAPPY WITH WHO SHE WAS!!!!!! If she can't satisfy you sexually after you have done what you need to do, she needs to do the right thing and divorce you because she is not a good person. Sorry. The truth hurts.


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## nevergveup

Well my friend,your not alone.I was born a redhead,so I have been
teased and harrassed from the time I was little from this.I'm
sure this is why to this day I suffer from low self esteem.

Even to this day it bothers me,but I try to hide my low self esteem.

You can suffer from low self esteem,but remember facts don't lie.
1.You have a wife that loves you and needs you to give her more.

2.Beautiful kids.

3.I imagine you can and hold a job.

4.You have people who love you.

You can live with low self esteem,but don't let it take away the positive things you have.Every day get up and smile and learn to
love your self.Force your self to be happy.

It's not easy but life never is.If things where so easy everyone
would have happiness.

Don't take your wife and kids for granted.If your like me, you
have a side to you that wants to fail as you don't think you deserve anything good.Never give in to this.Live each day as 
it comes to its fullest.

Realize that in your mind you have a negative,horrible view of
yourself that people around you don't see or know.
Once your aware of this totally wrong messed up view
you have of yourself,you can slowly change it and learn to
love yourself.

You say there's things you don't like about yourself,so
be willing to and open to change them.

It is easy to complain,but takes dedication and hard work
and commitment to improve yourself for the better.

Sorry for the long post.I have a wife and two adult children
and I'm still learning to love the person I am.

Good luck and work hard so you don't loose what you have.
anything good


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## Jamison

I took it to mean this was a list he created for himself in therapy, not one his wife wanted him to do. He also stated his wife was great, understanding and has empathy. Although empathy does not equal desire, but I think thats not even the main issue here, its how he sees himself and comes across.


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## woundedwarrior

Make a list of what you are instead of what you are not. Focus on the positives & change the negative ones. As far as looks go, if you are overweight etc, do something about it, if you don't like yourself, you can't expect anyone else to? Self esteem is hard to get back, especially when you keep getting dragged down. I'm 48, in good shape, am told I'm attractive by my wife & others but I am in a sexless marriage as well & it affects your self esteem greatly but you CAN battle through. The mind is very powerful & holds the key to surviving anything, it is the root of everything. I wish you the best & remember only you can make yourself happy because you have the ability to stay, leave, change etc. Nobody is forced to stay unhappy, there are always options.


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## kingofprussian

"I'm 48, in good shape, am told I'm attractive by my wife & others but I am in a sexless marriage as well & it affects your self esteem greatly but you CAN battle through."

How? I feel rejected daily.


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## Jamison

kingofprussian said:


> "I'm 48, in good shape, am told I'm attractive by my wife & others but I am in a sexless marriage as well & it affects your self esteem greatly but you CAN battle through."
> 
> How? I feel rejected daily.


What has her response been when you tell her how you feel about being rejected?

Also what suggestions has your counselor made about all of this?


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## Dedicated2Her

> How? I feel rejected daily.


With the list you put out, not only is she rejecting you.......you are rejecting yourself. Change the one you can control......


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## CallaLily

In your OP you say, that YOU are the reason for being in the sexless marriage. But then you say you feel rejected daily. BY who? Your wife? Your self? 

If your wife is rejecting you, why do you think that is? You said YOU were in the sexless marriage because of yourself. Is it possible shes been cast in the role of caretaker and mother to a man who doesn't like himself very much? Who is down on himself? I wouldn't find that very desireable either. What steps IN MC are you both taking to make things better?


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## kingofprussian

My wife and counselor tell me to choose not to feel rejected.

I feel rejected daily by my wife. I am struggling to find self-esteem outside of my role as a husband. I'm a good dad; I'm a good person. I'm a good provider to the marriage. I am not desirable, I am not desired. I'm struggling with how to cope with that. I don't think my wife views herself as a caretaker or mother of me. I do believe, for the reasons I stated before, that I have failed miserably to connect with her.


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## Dedicated2Her

> My wife and counselor tell me to choose not to feel rejected.
> 
> I feel rejected daily by my wife. I am struggling to find self-esteem outside of my role as a husband. I'm a good dad; I'm a good person. I'm a good provider to the marriage. I am not desirable, I am not desired. I'm struggling with how to cope with that. I don't think my wife views herself as a caretaker or mother of me. I do believe, for the reasons I stated before, that I have failed miserably to connect with her.


Ok. Been there, done that. I know exactly where you are at. Good news. In about 3-6 months if you purpose yourself to become the best you possible, this CAN and WILL change. In your mind, you are going to have to separate your perception of yourself with what you think her perception of you is. Because she, at this time, doesn't desire you doesn't mean you are not desirable. It just means you guys have marital problems. However, marital problems are typically the result of two broken people having a broken relationship.

Fix yourself. The person is made up of three things: mind, body, and soul. Start working to get all three of these things right everyday. Workout, read, and do something like meditation, prayer, or just sit outside for 30 minutes a day with no distractions and clear your mind. You have to love yourself first. Then, maybe she will change, or maybe not. But, THAT IS IRRELEVANT.


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## CallaLily

Why do you feel shes rejects you?


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## kingofprussian

I believe that mostly, it's the problems in my personality that makes her reject me, the ones I listed en masse. I believe that self-esteem is turning into a new issue for me to overcome because of the withholding of sex. It's one thing not to be able to score easily with single women, it's another thing not to be able to score with with your wife. Not once in all of 2012, for example. So now it sounds like my best options are to see an IC for my new esteem issue, just to fake confidence in front of my wife (not likely), or to accept that I a poor husband and let my self-esteem take a big hit as natural justice.


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## Plan 9 from OS

kingofprussian said:


> I believe that mostly, it's the problems in my personality that makes her reject me, the ones I listed en masse. I believe that self-esteem is turning into a new issue for me to overcome because of the withholding of sex. It's one thing not to be able to score easily with single women, it's another thing not to be able to score with with your wife. Not once in all of 2012, for example. So now it sounds like my best options are to see an IC for my new esteem issue, just to fake confidence in front of my wife (not likely), or to *accept that I a poor husband and let my self-esteem take a big hit as natural justice.*


Cut the sh!t. What is your plan, to mope in this thread and hope that people are going to join your little pity party and tell you how sorry they feel for you? At the end of the day, all the sympathy in the world is not going to make life any better for you. 

You sir, are at a crossroads in your life right now. You are either going to decide that you are going to start liking yourself and work to improve your shortcomings, or you are going to continue to wallow in self pity and eventually lose your wife. 

If you give yourself half a chance, you'll soon realize that you have something positive to offer. The first thing you need to keep in mind is that your kids love you. You are the number 1 man in their lives right now. Build on that. They see worth and value in you. They love you because of who you are. Take that and start knocking your issues down. Learn to start loving yourself. If you don't start loving yourself, then you will let your kids down. You don't want to do that. Your wife will come around as she sees progress. But work on your list for your children. But before you start, make sure you reread the list and make sure you have only the tangible things that need to be addressed. Unless you are ignoring your wife in the evenings when the two of you are in bed, cross the "reading in bed" from the list. It's a non-issue.

The Godfather says hello: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbZEkFLXh9Y


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## Waking up to life

You are creating a self-fulfilled prophecy. You feel so sorry for yourself, you know you're "poor husband" material, your wife rejects you, you're "unattractive"...YOU are creating all of this for yourself!! Wake up man! Of course if you walk around moping about your lot in life and wallow in your misery, are ARE becoming less attractive, you ARE going to be rejected by your wife, you ARE going to be less than ideal husband material. 

I just want to shake you LOL! I am married to a man very similar to you. And behind all of the self pity, the I'm no good and nobody wants me comments, there is a man who doesn't _really_ believe all of that...he wants, or needs, his wife to constantly reassure him, tell him how good he is, how appreciated he is, to be that cheerleader. Yes every wife (and husband for that matter), should be there to encourage their spouse. But when you're married to Eeyore for so many years, it gets tiring. REAL tiring. 

Man up, my man! Do it for yourself AND for your wife. Develop interests and hobbies, find some joy in life, be confident in your good qualities. Don't lean on your wife to make you feel better about yourself...and don't let her make you feel worse about yourself either! When you start displaying true confidence and drive for life, I guarantee you your wife will start seeing you in a completely new and positive light, because she actually will WANT to be with you.


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## kingofprussian

We had a talk tonight about where I was. She didn't have much to say at the end, other than she wished I didn't feel the way I did. I asked how she felt about separating and she is OK with it.

I hoped not to start a pity party here. I apologize for it degenerating to that point. Thanks everyone for the kind responses!


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## Plan 9 from OS

kingofprussian said:


> We had a talk tonight about where I was. She didn't have much to say at the end, other than she wished I didn't feel the way I did. I asked how she felt about separating and she is OK with it.
> 
> I hoped not to start a pity party here. I apologize for it degenerating to that point. Thanks everyone for the kind responses!


:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:


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## trey69

The victim mentality is what you seem to have, my guess is your wife knows this and its not a turn on for her. Shes probably tired and worn out of not knowing what to do or how to handle someone who does a lot of self loathing. Its kind like an emotional vampire, you end up draining not only yourself but those around you. When you asked for a separation and she agreed, I'm not really surprised that she agreed and its probably a good thing. I think now is the time to get yourself some serious help so you can move forward with your life.


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## woundedwarrior

Best of wishes for you. Fix yourself & everything else will work out and you will find happiness again. A great book called "The Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer is worth a read. It will help you change your whole thought process.


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## CallaLily

woundedwarrior said:


> Best of wishes for you. Fix yourself & everything else will work out and you will find happiness again. A great book called "The Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer is worth a read. It will help you change your whole thought process.


I have seen that book around and often wondered what it was about.


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## woundedwarrior

It is an excellent book from a Christian perspective on how the devil tries & often succeeds on poisoning us with negative thoughts. We really are in control but we are constantly at war with ourselves. It has helped me in a sexless marriage to focus on all of the good things & not the bad.


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## Waking up to life

trey69 said:


> The victim mentality is what you seem to have, my guess is your wife knows this and its not a turn on for her. Shes probably tired and worn out of not knowing what to do or how to handle someone who does a lot of self loathing. Its kind like an emotional vampire, you end up draining not only yourself but those around you. When you asked for a separation and she agreed, I'm not really surprised that she agreed and its probably a good thing. I think now is the time to get yourself some serious help so you can move forward with your life.


^This^ 

Quoted so you'd have to read it twice.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Waking up to life said:


> You are creating a self-fulfilled prophecy. You feel so sorry for yourself, you know you're "poor husband" material, your wife rejects you, you're "unattractive"...YOU are creating all of this for yourself!! Wake up man! Of course if you walk around moping about your lot in life and wallow in your misery, are ARE becoming less attractive, you ARE going to be rejected by your wife, you ARE going to be less than ideal husband material.
> 
> I just want to shake you LOL! I am married to a man very similar to you. And behind all of the self pity, the I'm no good and nobody wants me comments, there is a man who doesn't _really_ believe all of that...he wants, or needs, his wife to constantly reassure him, tell him how good he is, how appreciated he is, to be that cheerleader. Yes every wife (and husband for that matter), should be there to encourage their spouse. But when you're married to Eeyore for so many years, it gets tiring. REAL tiring.
> 
> Man up, my man! Do it for yourself AND for your wife. Develop interests and hobbies, find some joy in life, be confident in your good qualities. Don't lean on your wife to make you feel better about yourself...and don't let her make you feel worse about yourself either! When you start displaying true confidence and drive for life, I guarantee you your wife will start seeing you in a completely new and positive light, because she actually will WANT to be with you.


THIS!

I remember a few years back right after I separated from my wife, this is how I felt. I was examining everything I had ever done wrong in my life and threw a great big pity party for myself. FACT: Nobody gave a sh!t. Do you think some woman is going to throw herself at you if you believe you are a huge loser? Heck no. If you don't believe in yourself then why should anybody else? Thing is ... I'm a great guy with a lot offer. I am a big believer that you become the person you think you are. Start thinking about your positive attributes. Be thankful for the good things in your life. Start envisioning what you want your life to be like and start working on becoming that person. You will gain confidence every step of the way. 

My company places emphasis on self-improvement and offers a library of books on how to do this. That was helpful to me and helped me snap out of it. I would recommend that you start doing some reading and get a different perspective.


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## Blue Firefly

kingofprussian said:


> I've been keeping a tally of the personality faults I have during our sessions. Some of these are in the past completely, most are not. Without further ado,
> 
> I can withdraw/stonewall
> I am angry
> I won't talk about everything with my wife
> I am not open enough with my wife
> I drink too much
> I watch porn
> I can't touch my wife the way she prefers
> I am a poor supporter of my wife during crises
> I fall asleep too early
> I am too precise and pedantic
> I am fat
> I am too demanding regarding chores
> I play with the kids too much
> I dress poorly
> I fail to be sexy in bed
> I am clumsy in bed
> I am too strategic
> I snore
> I don't apologize enough, or early enough
> I don't call my wife enough
> I put pressure on my wife to have sex
> I can be withdrawn from my wife's family
> I read in bed


I thought you said you kept a list of your *personal faults*. Where is it.

This is a list of *personal normal*. 

Honestly, you won't get anywhere till you give us that list of personal faults. Quit trying to pass off your *personal normal* list as you personal fault list. Where is real personal fault list.


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## Blue Firefly

kingofprussian said:


> My wife and counselor tell me to choose not to feel rejected.
> 
> I feel rejected daily by my wife. I am struggling to find self-esteem outside of my role as a husband. I'm a good dad; I'm a good person. I'm a good provider to the marriage. I am not desirable, I am not desired. I'm struggling with how to cope with that. I don't think my wife views herself as a caretaker or mother of me. I do believe, for the reasons I stated before, that I have failed miserably to connect with her.


Your counselor is an *idiot* who is making your marriage worse, not better. 

You're wife *is* rejecting you. You're wife is too much of a nice gal to tell you the truth. You'd be better off is she did.

Losing her desire to sleep with you wasn't her first rejection of you, it was the last--the last rejection in a long series of rejections. She's been building up to this for a long time.

Quit listening to that idiot counselor. The path he has set you on will destroy what little is left of your marriage.

You are the poster boy for the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy." Heck, you make Mr. Nice Guy's look mean. I suggest you start with this book, and then come back to the men's section here and ask for some more books on regaining your masculinity.


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## Blue Firefly

kingofprussian said:


> I believe that mostly, it's the problems in my personality that makes her reject me, the ones I listed en masse.


You mean the *personal normal* list you put up earlier?

If you have some great list of faults, I wish you would go ahead and put them up instead of playing this game with us--putting up a list of normal male traits and calling them your faults.

C'mon, give us the real list, not a fake one. Stop playing this game with us.


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## shadow76

I'm new here and came across your post and can really relate from the woman's perspective. I've been married for 17 years. For the early years, I would give in and have sex about once/week. That seemed to be enough to keep arguments at bay. Now I manage to avoid him for months at a time. I have used every excuse in the book. It's truly exhausting but the alternative (having sex with someone I don't want to have sex with) is excrutiating. I can't even stand to have him kiss me. 

I've been to IC for years. My counselors all see that I am miserable. We've been to MC. I haven't had the courage to be completely honest with him. I don't want to hurt his feelings. 

There is a very real part of me, though, that wishes he would have the courage that I do not have--the courage to end this relationship. I believe that both of us deserve to love and be loved more than this.

I do love him as a friend but I am not sexually attracted to him and haven't been for years. It's not because of his looks (although he is about 40+ pounds overweight). It's more because we don't share the same interests, priorities and values. I make fitness and healthy eating a priority; He sits on the couch for hours on end watching tv and eating potato chips and icecream. I like simplicity and organization; he's a hoarder and a complete slob. I like to be social and get together with friends; he wants to be a homebody.

I'm sorry that it seems she is listing your faults. That's really not fair. Perhaps the real issue is that you are she are no longer compatible--either because you didn't truly know eachother before or because you or she or both of you have changed/grown into someone the other doesn't have much in common with anymore. If she's like me, in her heart she wants out but she doesn't have the courage to say it/do it. I do not want to hurt my husband with the truth. However the real truth is that I am hurting him every single day but making him feel unworthy of love. 

Living like this really sucks for both people. I do not know what to do in my situation, either. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please remember, though, that just because you 2 may not be right for eachother, doesn't mean there's something wrong with YOU.


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## woundedwarrior

If your husband is that big of a turn off to you then it's your duty to put him out of misery. Trust me, he can't be hurt any worse than he is right now. The really hurt spouses usually have no resolve left to officially end a relationship. I am thankful everyday that my ex wife filed for divorce immediately after I caught her cheating & saved me further hurt, while I tried "to work it out". Like you, she was done with our marriage, so do the right thing & free him.


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## DaddyLongShanks

kingofprussian said:


> "I'm 48, in good shape, am told I'm attractive by my wife & others but I am in a sexless marriage as well & it affects your self esteem greatly but you CAN battle through."
> 
> How? I feel rejected daily.


I'm glad you realized that. Yes, being in a sexless relationship for someone who values sex is demeaning and strips a good percentage of the meaning of life out of it.

When you get it back, it makes quite a big difference and you will say to yourself "why did I wait this long to do this?".

Being in that sexless position also affects your outward image. It looks like "less" man, "less" confident, definately not MORE. 

A man or woman for that matter unless they are a psychotic monster SHOULD have the benefit of affections and sexual relations with someone who appreciates them.


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## unbelievable

KingofPrussia. Go to the nearest WalMart and take a look at the couples. They have sex. I seriously doubt you will be the homeliest husband at WalMart on any given day. You and your wife were married. You both made certain promises. Unless you are refusing to have sex with your wife, the problem isn't you. A woman's libido can be influenced by dozens of things and many have nothing to do with you. My wife's libido wasn't even on any measurable scale for years and one day it reappeared. I didn't change. Naturally, you're angry and distant, you watch porn and you drink a little. It's amazing you're not in a tower with a sniper rifle. The deal was to love, have, and hold and be sexually exclusive from the day of marriage until the day of death.  There wasn't any qualifiers about "as long as he doesn't gain weight, piss me off, grow a beard, change his brand of cologne, earn less, break a leg, get a tattoo, learn Chinese, etc." If you aren't happy with the way you look, do something about it, but don't blame yourself for your own victimization. Don't necessarily blame your wife, either. There could be a medical reason for her low libido.


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## defeated/deflated

BrockLanders said:


> Who came up with that list, you or your wife?
> 
> "Reading in bed" is a problem?! "Too strategic?"



Quite a few of the things you listed are not faults......definately sounds like someone else calls them faults. And I can't believe you are seeing a marriage counselor that isn't somehow pointing that out.


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