# Please help!!



## knb1983 (Dec 21, 2011)

I'm so glad I came across this forum. I'm a 32 year old female who's been married for 12 years with 2 kids ages 10 and 9. I'm on the verge of wanting to leave my husband for good. We have already separated twice. The first time was because I found out he was talking to another female. To this day he claims he didn't cheat, that he talked to her about emotional issues because he felt he couldn't talk to me, but I found out by finding very inappropriate texts messages between the two of them. The second time we separated he wanted to leave because I feel in my heart that he just wanted out of being a responsible husband and I let him go. He moved to another city and barely had contact with our kids for about a 9 month period. He claims during this time he needed to find himself to realize what he wanted for his life, which turned out to be his family. My problem is that I have come to realize that I truly believe I have been suffering with depression for most of my life. He wants me to be able to love him the way he feels he needs to be loved and talk to him. I do love my husband and show him affection, but it's not in the way he wants. And when it comes to intimacy I feel nothing towards him honestly, it's like I'm just going through the motions and he can sense that and no matter how hard I try to change it I can't. I let myself sink into this black hole of feeling worthless, hopeless, unmotivated to do anything, insecure with myself because of weight that I've gained, like how I feel doesn't matter at all. I've always found it very hard to communicate with my husband because he doesn't listen. It's gotten to the point now that when we try to talk, it feels more like a hostile lecture. He raises his voice and seems very angry towards me and when I tell him how he is making me feel he says he's passionate and that's just how he speaks, he literally tells me I need to accept him for who he is because he's not changing. He can be very condescending towards me and talks at me, not too me. If he feels like what I'm saying makes no sense to him, he makes me feel like my feelings don't matter and I need to listen to what he is telling me to do to help myself. He shifts the focus from me and what I'm trying to communicate to himself and how he I make him feel. It's gotten to the point where he constantly tells me that I have hurt him our entire marriage by not talking to him, he's put up with me for 12 years now and I've made him depressed also. He even asked me if I was cheating on him, which is something I have never contemplated. He always says now that if I don't change his only option is to leave. And I let myself believe it all and it tears me apart. I'm full of guilt because he makes me feel as if everything that has happend in our marriage is my fault. He even makes me feel as if I'm a bad mother because of my emotional issues. My kids are my life and they are the reason I keep going. I told my husband that I wanted to get help to be better for myself, our marriage and our kids by getting counseling. He gave me an ultimatum because of this. Either we work things out together by me listening to what he tells me I need to do to help myself and him, or if I choose counseling he would leave and take the kids. This floored me, left me speechless and angry. I felt hate towards my husband in that moment. He once again made it about himself and everything I've put him through and the fact that he has gotten trough it without help so why can't I. He told me he would feel disrespected if I went to a counselor for help instead of listening to him and letting him help me. My husband will not ever go to therapy, he outright refuses to go. Me going means I have to pay, he will not help me financially to see a counselor. He packed a bag and left last night, which gave me relief and I hate to say that. I stuck by my decision in seeing a counselor, I refused to let him take that decision away from me. I'm scared for myself and my kids because even though I work I don't make enough to support us and out of spite my husband would not help me financially, although he claims he will make sure the kids are taken care of. But I'm at the point where I'm ready to let this go and start over. I do have family that supports me if I decide to pull the plug on this for good. It would mean having to move to another city and relocating my kids, but for my sanity and peace of mind it may not be a choice for me. I'm sorry for this lengthy post but any advice will be welcome. I know I can't go on like this.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Sounds to me like your husband is pretty controlling. The fact that he wants YOU to change or he will leave you...does he not think that his actions play any part in the dysfunction of your relationship? Also he is NOT willing to go to counseling but he wants you to listen to him. WTF. Is he a professional therapist?

It sounds like he needs to grow up and figure out how to be an adult, and you need help with your depression...and you both need counseling. But I'm wondering if your depression is from him trying to control you?

Go to your counseling sessions and get help for yourself. DO NOT let him bully you into not going to counseling. 

Just a suggestion... when you post, try and break it up into several paragraphs as it will be easier for us to read. 
Sorry you are in this situation. Hang in there.


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## knb1983 (Dec 21, 2011)

Thanks for your response. I refuse to allow him to bully me on this. At this point I feel a mixture of emotion, from shame and embarrassment for allowing him to do this to me for so long, fear for the future but also a bit of hope that my life can go in a different direction.

I've also realized that a lot of my depression and even anxiety is caused by him. I have no clue how to get through to a man who feels, and these words have come out of his mouth, that he does not need to change. He wholeheartedly believes he has made the necessary changes already and is a good man and good husband. Even my dad, who my husband called to discuss me and my issues with, told me that there is no talking to my husband, he takes no responsibility for anything. My father picked that up over a phone conversation.

I know in my heart what I need to do for myself and my kids, it's just very scary for me because I never thought in a million years this is where life would take me. I keep telling myself all things happen for a reason.

I truly appreciate the feedback. And also thanks for the tip! I realized after posting that I should have done that!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your husband isn't responsible for your depression. 

All of it is not his fault. That mindset will certainly end with you getting a divorce. It may help to see a counselor. Without you both being into saving your marriage, you might as well end it.

Of course your dad sees things your way..... You may be right, but dad is going to see things your way regardless. 

What specifically is he doing that upsets you? What is happening that is bringing you unhappiness on a daily basis? What are YOU doing to make YOU happy? 

Start leading your life to make YOU happy. Hopefully, if you get happy, maybe you can start working on getting both of you happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jingle_jangle (Jan 2, 2016)

I can understand much of what you say in your post,as I am debating leaving my marriage of 10 years, and 1 child.

Firstly, you definitely need to go for counselling asap. It is understandable that he will resist you going, even on your own, as men will often see therapy as a threat to the status quo, which it is. But you must go. You are probably even better of going on your own first for a few times. You must start slowly re-building your 'core', which seem to be eroded. And make sure it is a therapist that is well recommended to you. A large no of therapists are useless. Sorry, but that's my experience.
Out of curiosity, how come you don't work outside the home? You would then find it easier to become self-supporting if you so need. How do you feel about your ability to earn an independent living?

Ask yourself 100% honestly is your marriage worth saving? Would you see a brighter future on your own/with someone else, rather than with your husband? That will answer your question.
After that, it is dealing with the fear of leaving, logistics etc etc. None of these should be a reason not to leave.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

knb1983 said:


> I'm so glad I came across this forum. I'm a 32 year old female who's been married for 12 years with 2 kids ages 10 and 9. I'm on the verge of wanting to leave my husband for good. We have already separated twice. *The first time was because I found out he was talking to another female.* To this day he claims he didn't cheat, that he talked to her about emotional issues because he felt he couldn't talk to me, but I found out by finding very inappropriate texts messages between the two of them.


How long ago did this happen? How long did his emotional affair last (and yes, it was an emotional affair)? How was it dealt with?




knb1983 said:


> The second time we separated he wanted to leave because I feel in my heart that he just wanted out of being a responsible husband and I let him go. *He moved to another city and barely had contact with our kids for about a 9 month period.* He claims during this time he needed to find himself to realize what he wanted for his life, which turned out to be his family.


How long ago did this happen? Did he see other women while you two were separated? Did he financially support you and the children even though he never saw you? Why didn't you file for divorce during this period? 




knb1983 said:


> My problem is that I have come to realize that I truly believe I have been suffering with depression for most of my life.


What efforts have you made to address your depression?



knb1983 said:


> He wants me to be able to love him the way he feels he needs to be loved and talk to him. I do love my husband and show him affection, but it's not in the way he wants. And when it comes to intimacy I feel nothing towards him honestly, it's like I'm just going through the motions and he can sense that and no matter how hard I try to change it I can't.


Your husband has every right to want to be loved in the manner of his choosing, just as you want to be loved in your Love Language (that's what it's called). You and your spouse do not speak or understand each other's languages, which is not unusual. Read The Five Love Languages by Chapman. It'll help you in your future relationships.




knb1983 said:


> I let myself sink into this black hole of feeling worthless, hopeless, unmotivated to do anything, insecure with myself because of weight that I've gained, like how I feel doesn't matter at all.


The first step to fixing any problem is recognizing it. Now that you know your issues it's time to get help. 1) Get into individual counseling. 2) Find things that bring happiness to your life whether that's a hobby, spending more time with your family, volunteering your time and talents to a worthwhile cause.....in other words, find your passion. 3) Get physically active...endorphins are the body's natural feel good hormones. and 4) Get rid of those things that bring you unhappiness. If that means leaving a broken marriage, then so be it.



knb1983 said:


> I've always found it very hard to communicate with my husband because he doesn't listen. It's gotten to the point now that when we try to talk, *it feels more like a hostile lecture*. *He raises his voice and seems very angry towards me *and when I tell him how he is making me feel he says he's passionate and that's just how he speaks, he literally tells me I need to accept him for who he is because he's not changing. *He can be very condescending towards me *and talks at me, not too me. If he feels like what I'm saying makes no sense to him, *he makes me feel like my feelings don't matter and I need to listen to what he is telling me to do to help myself*. He shifts the focus from me and what I'm trying to communicate to himself and how he I make him feel. *It's gotten to the point where he constantly tells me that I have hurt him our entire marriage by not talking to him, he's put up with me for 12 years now and I've made him depressed also.*


This sounds like the prototypical emotional abuser. He's making himself out to be the faultless victim and you the evil, crazy wife. 

Out of curiosity, what exactly are his 'suggestions' to fix yourself? 




knb1983 said:


> He even asked me if I was cheating on him, which is something I have never contemplated.


This is typical cheater speak. They project. 

How have you responded to his allegations of infidelity?



knb1983 said:


> *He always says now that if I don't change his only option is to leave*. And I let myself believe it all and it tears me apart. I'm full of guilt because he makes me feel as if everything that has happend in our marriage is my fault. *He even makes me feel as if I'm a bad mother because of my emotional issues*. My kids are my life and they are the reason I keep going. I told my husband that *I wanted to get help to be better for myself, our marriage and our kids by getting counseling. *He gave me an ultimatum because of this. *Either we work things out together by me listening to what he tells me I need to do* to help myself and him, *or if I choose counseling he would leave and take the kids.* This floored me, left me speechless and angry. I felt hate towards my husband in that moment. *He once again made it about himself *and everything I've put him through and the fact that he has gotten trough it without help so why can't I. *He told me he would feel disrespected if I went to a counselor for help instead of listening to him* and letting him help me. My husband will not ever go to therapy, he outright refuses to go. Me going means I have to pay, he will not help me financially to see a counselor.


Again, this is abusive behavior. A good spouse would do everything is their power to support their partner 'in sickness and in health'. He threatens you with divorce for asking for medical help. This IS NOT the response of a loving husband. It's the response of a self-centered, bully.



knb1983 said:


> He packed a bag and left last night, which gave me relief and I hate to say that. I stuck by my decision in seeing a counselor, I refused to let him take that decision away from me. I'm scared for myself and my kids because even though I work I don't make enough to support us and out of spite my husband would not help me financially, although he claims he will make sure the kids are taken care of. But I'm at the point where I'm ready to let this go and start over. I do have family that supports me if I decide to pull the plug on this for good. It would mean having to move to another city and relocating my kids, but for my sanity and peace of mind it may not be a choice for me. I'm sorry for this lengthy post but any advice will be welcome. I know I can't go on like this.


Good riddance. Unbeknownst to you, your husband has given you exactly what you need......for him to be out of your life. Go see a lawyer as soon as possible. Learn what you legal rights and responsibilities are in a divorce, then start the divorce proceedings. 

Your husband sounds like a narcissist who blames everyone else for his shortcomings. 

You will never improve your depression (or your marriage for that matter) married to a man who refuses to take any responsibility for his behavior, and for his half of the fault in the poor state of your relationship. Let him go. Take care of yourself and your kids.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

KNB: I noticed you joined in 2011, is this your first post?

I see my marriage in your post as well as the other posters in your/this thread and I would like to give you my advice so you don't end up like me 33 years from now.

I sense a lot of communication problems. 

Maybe someone wants to be in control or feels rejected (unloved) or not appreciated or emotionally immature.

Does any of this sound like something that could be a problem in your marriage?

Is there a power struggle?

I hear frustrations in your posts and it is easier to give up but it is a lonely world out there. Trust me, I know. 

Spouse feel disappointed and then they stray for many reasons but I feel if two people don't communicate effectively and truly listen to their partner and try to understand their partner the relationship starts to slowly goes down the tubes.

I also feel that if you are sarcastic or critical with your partner, that can also be detrimental.

I am NOT in your marriages but if you, your spouse or both are like any of the things I mentioned in my post, you are doomed UNLESS you find a way to work on it with or without a marriage counselor but it is difficult to accomplish anything without professional help.

I wish you all luck and I hope I helped a little bit.

VH


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Leave him. He deserves to have a stable wife and family not someone who constantly causes double guessing and other problems. He needs to enjoy his life, because you're just going to blame him and crap all over hium when the kids are older. He deserves better than that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm glad that you are going to get counseling. Do not do marriage counseling at this point. He won't go anyway. But you need to take care of yourself first.

Your husband had an affair. It was at least an emotional affair. That is as devastating to a marriage as a physical affair, and often times worse.

When he went away to live out of town for months, do you know what he was doing? I would bet my bottom dollar that he was cheating on you during that time.

He left last night. Where did he go to stay? Do you know?

He's accusing you of cheating. Cheaters often do that. Have you checked his cell phone bill to see if there is any number that he is talking to and texting often?

From what you say, he's seriously emotionally abusive. One thing that you need to realize is that you have allowed him to treat you this way. You need to counseling so that you can get strong enough to not internalize his abuse. And you will need to learn to stand up to him. Whether you divorce him or not, you will need this strength.

Do not take his threatening to take the children away from you to heart. He cannot do that. He just thinks that you are stupid. you are not. What I suggest is that you search out online the divorce laws in your site. Also search out things like "divorce alimony" and "divorce child support" for you state. You will find hundreds or articles discussing how all of this works in your state.

If you will share what state you live in, we here can also help you learn your rights.

At this point, I think him being away from you is a good thing. You need the time to get your emotional strength back. You might need to get on some anti depresents.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes,
I think a separation would be a great idea in this case. That way, you can sort out which "causes" of depression you feel are is fault, and which are your own.
Determining if you're a happier person ALONE.....

Are you expecting your husband to finance your expenses once you divorce him? Or are you interested in working? I think if you stayed busy with a job, that would definitely be helpful for your state of mind.

Good luck


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