# Please help me turn this around



## Bequia2010

My husband had a childhood filled with neglect, emotional abandament, pshychological abuse. If I knew then what I know now, I would not have married him. Except we have 2 kids and I wouldn't wish them away, of course. 

My parents had a wonderful, loving, supportive, close relationship. *His *mother had schizoprenia mental illness, and tried to commit suicide numerous times. His absentee father was emotionally unavailable and physically abusive. He and his siblings grew up totally neglected by both parents. 

I wanted my kids to have the kind of life I had. I created the persona to present to my kids. I don't think they know what was going on. They are 25 & 23 now. They have never said anything about it. They talk about how normal our family is. So, I guess I did a good job fooling everyone. My kids have turned out great, so in that sense, it was worth it. 

For the first 20 yrs or so of our marriage, I was the "steppherd wife" I was so determined to have the life I wanted, I "created" tha life I wanted for my children. H went along because it's what he wanted too, but had no clue how to contribute to it, so he contributed nothing. When he was a child he didn 't have this life and did not know how this life worked, or what you needed to contribute to the family to have this life. I carried the burden for 20 yrs. That is a very heavy load to carry with no contribution from your H. When I was unable to carry that burden for the 2 of us, I put it down. H really wants me to continue. But he is not willing to contribute anything, and I can't do it alone. I did it for the children. 

Where does that leave us? H wants all the good things marriage has to offer, sex, companionship. unconditional love and acceptance. But he still has no idea how to achieve these, or how to contribute these to a reltionship. So, we are living as roommates. untile he figures it out. I see no progress being made. It occurs to me that this is all there will ever be. It is scarey, depressing, and confusing to me. I do not know what I will do with this reality. 

We don't have sex. When we do, it is very much one sided. Guess you makes sure he is satisfied and has no concern about who is not satisfied. We've discussed this. He's too impulsive and quick to orgasm, leaving me totally unsatified. Intercourse lasts maybe 10 seconds. He says he'll do better, be more careful about my needs, but when it happens, it the same o same o. 

We very rarely ever kiss. I have never, from day one, liked the way he kisses, so I kiss him as little as possible. 99% of the time, it's a chaste peck on the lips. On the rare ocassion we have sex, I kiss him as little as possxible. I turn my head away. He never calls me by my name, or a pet name. He doesn't have a pet name for me. He just doesn't use anything but "you" to let me know he's referring to me. 

I told him I need for him to really understand what the years of neglect has done to me and our marriage. I told him I can't move past it until I really know he gets it. He always plays the victim. He will say "well you were angry with me, so I couldn't give you what you want" As long as he continues to look at himself as the victim, he doesn't get it.

I want to turn it around. I just can't carry the full burden anymore. Any suggestions?


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## Bigsigh

I feel you for, I really do. YOU can turn this around and remember that.....go to the bookstore or online and get the book "how to improve your marriage without talking about it".


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## jensenlun

I have to agree with Bigsigh, that is a really great book. I just finish reading it. it wil turn your marriage around, do it before its too late. I'm feel as i read it too late, but trying, really trying to turn it all around.


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## taylor78

Bigsigh said:


> I feel you for, I really do. YOU can turn this around and remember that.....go to the bookstore or online and get the book "how to improve your marriage without talking about it".


The book really helps you. I can't stop emphasizing how much it helps you. There's no such thing as too late so don't worry. 

Good Luck.


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## Bigsigh

taylor78 said:


> The book really helps you. I can't stop emphasizing how much it helps you. There's no such thing as too late so don't worry.
> 
> Good Luck.


I'm really surprised this book is not mentioned much. I found it in this thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/15118-have-you-ever-been-rut.html (hope it's clickable...if not copy and paste)

The simple words spoken by marilosa spoke loudly to me....because what i was doing was NOT working and I assure you I had been reading my ass off of every mention that was on here, lol!!

I really can't say what is going to happen between my ex and I....alll I know that we are in a different spot right now and it feels pretty good, no matter what.

.....that book was the change......


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## jimrich

Bequia2010 said:


> My husband had a childhood filled with neglect, emotional abandament, pshychological abuse. If I knew then what I know now, I would not have married him. Except we have 2 kids and I wouldn't wish them away, of course.
> 
> My parents had a wonderful, loving, supportive, close relationship. *His *mother had schizoprenia mental illness, and tried to commit suicide numerous times. His absentee father was emotionally unavailable and physically abusive. He and his siblings grew up totally neglected by both parents.
> 
> I wanted my kids to have the kind of life I had. I created the persona to present to my kids. I don't think they know what was going on. They are 25 & 23 now. They have never said anything about it. They talk about how normal our family is. So, I guess I did a good job fooling everyone. My kids have turned out great, so in that sense, it was worth it.
> 
> For the first 20 yrs or so of our marriage, I was the "steppherd wife" I was so determined to have the life I wanted, I "created" tha life I wanted for my children. H went along because it's what he wanted too, but had no clue how to contribute to it, so he contributed nothing. When he was a child he didn 't have this life and did not know how this life worked, or what you needed to contribute to the family to have this life. I carried the burden for 20 yrs. That is a very heavy load to carry with no contribution from your H. When I was unable to carry that burden for the 2 of us, I put it down. H really wants me to continue. But he is not willing to contribute anything, and I can't do it alone. I did it for the children.
> 
> Where does that leave us? H wants all the good things marriage has to offer, sex, companionship. unconditional love and acceptance. But he still has no idea how to achieve these, or how to contribute these to a reltionship. So, we are living as roommates. untile he figures it out. I see no progress being made. It occurs to me that this is all there will ever be. It is scarey, depressing, and confusing to me. I do not know what I will do with this reality.
> 
> We don't have sex. When we do, it is very much one sided. Guess you makes sure he is satisfied and has no concern about who is not satisfied. We've discussed this. He's too impulsive and quick to orgasm, leaving me totally unsatified. Intercourse lasts maybe 10 seconds. He says he'll do better, be more careful about my needs, but when it happens, it the same o same o.
> 
> We very rarely ever kiss. I have never, from day one, liked the way he kisses, so I kiss him as little as possible. 99% of the time, it's a chaste peck on the lips. On the rare ocassion we have sex, I kiss him as little as possxible. I turn my head away. He never calls me by my name, or a pet name. He doesn't have a pet name for me. He just doesn't use anything but "you" to let me know he's referring to me.
> 
> I told him I need for him to really understand what the years of neglect has done to me and our marriage. I told him I can't move past it until I really know he gets it. He always plays the victim. He will say "well you were angry with me, so I couldn't give you what you want" As long as he continues to look at himself as the victim, he doesn't get it.
> 
> I want to turn it around. I just can't carry the full burden anymore. Any suggestions?


I won't argue with you about your kids but I know from personal experience that their years with two very bad parental role models must have injured them in some ways that you can't or won't acknowledge.
re: I want to turn it around. I just can't carry the full burden anymore. Any suggestions?
.... marriage counseling, support groups, personal therapy for both of you, search on line and at book stores for: "Relationships" or "Codependency", religion, prayer, meditation, and take your chances - it's your life and life is SHORT!
good luck 
P.S.
I heard this is a good book:
http://www.google.com/search?client...ing+about+it&sourceid=opera&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8


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