# Is it divorce time?



## AussieRN (Mar 28, 2013)

First post so sorry if I ramble on a bit 

A bit of background... Married for 15 years, 2 kids age 4 and 6, I work 40 hours a week (4x 10hr nightshift), wife works 20 hours a week (3x 8hrs one week and 2x 8hrs the next). Our combined income is well over 100k so money isn't a issue. We have a nice house, she drives a BWM and our eldest goes to a great school.

The problem... She rarely displays any affection or intimacy since about 6 months after child #2 was born. She says when we talk about it things like "If you just did X then Id be happy" or "I'm angry at you because I have to do all the running around after the kids" (I cant drive a car and even if I could it would be hard to justify the cost of having a 2nd one for the 2 or 3 times a week *at best* I would even get the opportunity to take the kids somewhere when I work such unsociable hours).

At various points over the last 2-3 years when we've talked about this she had said much of the "If you just did A B C etc. then Id be happy and want to be affectionate" however when I do those things, and keep doing them I either get complained at (like today I loaded and turned on the dishwasher and did things that couldn't go in it in the sink then got whined at for not waiting until the dishwasher was full, basically moving goal posts).

I've tried to explain how we both contribute equally but just contribute different things to the family however she things all I do is work and pay for everything. Pretty much *every* evening I clear the table and bath the kids and help them do their teeth etc. and on my days off I will cook dinners about half the time (and clean everything up etc. like I normally would). On days off I do jobs around the house (I put new draw runners in a chest of drawers today).

I've said to her many times how much I appreciate everything she does for the kids. I never complain about her cooking and always thank her for it. I do my own laundry most of the time and will throw in hers or the kids if there's room.

She was saying today she's "Over the whole marriage thing" but I don't want to gimp our children's futures without doing my best to keep us all together.

Thoughts? Ideas? Anything? Thanks


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Marriage counseling?

It's a good place for her to get the "real" issues on the table... what she ISN'T saying.

Or, you could just call her on this perceived BS.

You don't help? List A, B and C again and make her explain how that isn't helping. I guarantee you she will find something else because she ISN'T saying what the true issues are.

As for the "through with the whole marriage thing" comment, you should have responded "me, too. let's figure out how to end it." You have to call her bluff on that kind of thing otherwise she'll keep using it.

If it wasn't a bluff, you've got bigger issues to handle.


----------



## AussieRN (Mar 28, 2013)

Thanks for the reply Chris,

When she said that I did say something like "You know where the door is". This was early in the conversation and we then sat and talked for about 2 hours where she kept saying what I contributed wasn't as valuable as what she contributed. I listed all the ABCs she said I didn't do at various points over the last couple years and pointed out I either had finished the job (house renovations) or still did it (clearing up after dinner, bathing the kids etc.).

I know she has some deep self esteem issues as her figure didn't come back after #2 like it did after #1 and she's asked a few times about tummy tuck surgery. I've told her a bazillion time it doesn't bother me and how I still think she's hot even without the washboard tummy. I don't want her to risk major surgery for a flat tummy.

I'm not sure either way if its bluff or not but she did agree to get some counseling (alone) and she did get all her blood work done 6 months or so ago to check for thyroid, iron etc.).

Working in the heath profession I can see some aspects of her behaviors fitting in with PND or dysthymia however I'm not really up on my mental health stuff.

She also said about never getting time to herself but both kids are either at kindy or school or daycare so she's always had at *least* 1 whole day a week child free to do her own thing. She regularly goes to the gym and plays netball a couple times a week.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I don't think it necessarily sounds like your relationship needs to end. In fact, it sounds quite far from it in some ways. 

But I think something is going on and it has nothing to do with you driving or loading the dishwasher. She's unhappy about herself and you're getting the punishment for it, or she's having an emotional or physical affair with someone else. 

By trying to do the things she complains about, you're turning in your man card, so to speak. She is working part-time to your full-time. Of course she's chasing the kids more! But she's also going to bed alone day after day, and might feel guilty for saying so. 

I think you would benefit from learning to drive and detaching from her a bit. Give her a chance to experience the loss of your support a bit so she can regain her appreciation.


----------



## AussieRN (Mar 28, 2013)

Hi Kathy, 

I've offered many times to learn to drive and pointed out to her that there's actually very few occasions when it would be truly useful or safe (would you want your man driving your 2 kids to school after working all night?). lol even getting home some mornings are a blur I'm that tired.

I have considered she might be having an affair however she's always leaving her Facebook logged on and her phone laying around. She did have an affair many years ago but after much yelling and many tears and long long talking I forgave and we moved on. 

Why would she feel guilty for saying so about going to bed alone etc? I don't quite follow you? Ive worked nights now for 8+ years.

Yes you're right though I have turned in my man card in many ways however I know looking after kids can be hard work so Im happy to help. I know we fellas don't always see mess or place the same priorities and have to be asked sometime but that's just how were wired.


----------



## Furious George (Nov 14, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> I don't think it necessarily sounds like your relationship needs to end. In fact, it sounds quite far from it in some ways.
> 
> But I think something is going on and it has nothing to do with you driving or loading the dishwasher. She's unhappy about herself and you're getting the punishment for it, or she's having an emotional or physical affair with someone else.
> 
> ...


I agree with KB, sounds like a great opportunity. I think MC is a great first step. Wishing you best of luck. Just be carefull not to be too accomodating. Perhaps a mild 180 would help here.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

hmmm...so she gets to work part-time (some Mothers work full-time - I did) AND has a lovely husband who is an equal partner at home with the chores & children & she is "over the whole marriage thing" ???

She needs to get real. She has two very young children that need both parents.

There is something wrong with her.

Ask her how she plans to support herself & the children when she leaves you because that is what she is planning. 

Because she has cheated in the past, I suspect that she may have an OM, probably with money, somewhere out there.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't offer to learn to drive --- just learn. It never hurts to have another skill.


----------



## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

over the whole marriage thing.
hmmm.
i like your response, "there's the door".
maybe open it for her.
its odd how when you go through the things i and many others here have with our spouses disrespecting us and taking advantage etc...you can spot a sh!t test a mile away. i dont know how i ever put up with it for so long.


----------



## AussieRN (Mar 28, 2013)

Emerald said:


> hmmm...so she gets to work part-time (some Mothers work full-time - I did) AND has a lovely husband who is an equal partner at home with the chores & children & she is "over the whole marriage thing" ???
> 
> She needs to get real. She has two very young children that need both parents.
> 
> ...


Well I cant say I'm totally equal at home but I do my best to pitch in and help and I do all the outside stuff and any renovations and repairs (like spent a week of one holidays redoing the kitchen and dining room timber floors and another holidays spent nearly 2 weeks turning a 7mx5m store room into the worlds most awesome home theatre room  ).

I've not asked her how she plans to support herself however from what I know of support payments here she would get barely enough from me to cover the rent of a 3 bedroom unit or very cheap house. With what she earns from her part time work I know it'd be doing it very tough. I understandably don't want to see my kids in that sort of life.

It is possible as I said for there to be someone else involved but if fairly wise to the signs having seen them all before as well as know there's actually precious little time when the kids arnt around, and they would talk...

I think she realizes now that I'm not going to roll over and take anything she offers and that Id rather end it with my dignity intact. Learning to drive would on rare occasions be useful but at this point I would see it as rolling over (but its something Ill defiantly revisit in the future).

As I said she has agreed to counseling even if she goes alone I'm sure hearing I'm not such a bad husband or father from a neutral 3rd party is a good thing. Ill be the first to admit I'm not the worlds best husband or father but I do my best.

Many thanks for the replies, its really helping me get my head around it all.


----------



## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

Wow! She should try living with a husband who REALLY doesn't help and it's all about money. You sound awesome.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

How much time do spend together per week?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'll be honest. I would not be with a man who couldn't drive. It'd feel like having a grown child at home, and I can't imagine myself continuing to have respect for very long. 

My first husband and another LTR later didn't have cars (my ex husband did get one eventually), but could drive. They either took my car or I drove them places they needed to be, but that got old fast for me.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You don't work 7 days a week. So you are not too tired to drive every day of the week. I agree that you should just learn to drive.

How do you get to work and back?


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

It sounds to me as if you and your wife need to make some quality time for each other, have a few heart to heart chats and try and find ways to be HAPPY together.

As for learning to drive "go for it" book a couple of lessons for your days off. Once you have car control mastered it may be worth looking at an intensive course of instruction prior to your test. If nothing else you will have gained another life skill and it may open up work / job oppertunities for you in the future.

(Intensive worked well for me I did my car license in a week at 17 and then six months later my lorry test (HGV 3) in another week and the RN paid for the HGV).


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I don't think non-drivers realise how intensely annoying it is for their driving partner.


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Lyris said:


> I don't think non-drivers realise how intensely annoying it is for their driving partner.


:iagree:


My wife did not learn to drive until 8 years ago, it took her two years, 5 tests and I dread to think how much money on lessons (I did not have the patience to teach her) to get her license but it was SO worth it in the long run.


----------



## AussieRN (Mar 28, 2013)

I did try to get my car license before our first child was born however after 20+years of nothing but bikes I had huge difficulties with the change in where everything was. I even had a couple lessons without much luck.

To put the amount of running around she has to actually do for the kids I wasn't clear about. The go on the school bus 5 trips a week (3 mornings and 2 afternoons), one of the other days grandma takes them. One 1 other the other days she is *driving past* the school on the way home from work anyway. So if I were to learn to drive and we had a 2nd car and I took over half of the rest of the trips to/from school I would at best be doing 2 trips a week (ie either picking them up or dropping them off). Its actually cheaper for us to have the kids go on the bus in both directions every day of the week than it is to drive (cost of bus vs cost of petrol/tyres/etc).

I have MANY times said to put them on the bus for all but the occasions when she can pick them up on the way home from work when she is driving past the school anyhow.

If you were with a man who couldn't, say, fix a computer, and couldn't see any reason to learn, and was happy to pay for someone else to do it so that their partner didn't have to, would it be ok to endlessly punish him threaten divorce etc? This is no different.

Learn anyway I hear you say. 

I have repeatedly offered to get more lessons and learn and in return saying I expected some real effort from her to work on "us" etc. But at this point I fail to see any reason to do any more to make her life easier without seeing some actual benefit in terms of her happiness and our (as a couple) happiness or effort from her towards "us".

As I said early on in the thread there's been many things over the last 3-4 years where she's said "If you just did X Id be happy and willing to spend time and effort etc etc" however whenever I've done or still do the thing it becomes something else and it goes on. This is why I think its just and excuse to remain angry/sad/whatever.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I guess I don't get why you getting your license is some kind of bargaining chip, like being able to do your share of the driving is so,e kind of favour to your wife.

It's not just about picking kids up from school. I assume she does 100% of the driving on the weekends. What about holidays? She'd have to do all the driving then. What about in an emergency? Just recently I locked my car keys in the boot of my car. Our boot doesn't open from the inside, it's broken. My husband drove down with his keys to rescue us. 

Look, I'm sure there is much more to this, but I wouldn't be happy as the only driver in my family. Too restrictive and too much pressure for one person. 

You'll need to be able to drive if you get divorced anyway. Kids need to be driven all kinds of inconvenient places.


----------

