# Is it ever better to stay for the children?



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I know the standard reply is it's better for the kids to see their parents happy than to see dad and mom not loving each other. 

Does anyone think it's better to stay until they're grown? So long as there's no shouting and fighting between the spouses? Of course there's no touching or loving between them either.

I'm not so sure I'd "be happier" divorced and living alone. I mean I have no feelings towards her anymore but I love my kids more than life itself.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

In general it is best for the kids to come from a home with two parents. Have you tried MC? What efforts are you making to make your marriage work?

Todays society seems to give the impression that running from the marriage and divorce is always the best solution, but a study shows that couples who hang in and work on it are usually happier 5 years later, where as, couples who divorced were only 19% happier 5 years later.

It only takes one to be the example for a better marriage.


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## Jason439 (Jul 16, 2012)

I'm kinda in the same situation. I'm going to follow you thread too.


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## turkish (Jun 24, 2012)

Me too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Me too.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

This is me said:


> In general it is best for the kids to come from a home with two parents. Have you tried MC? What efforts are you making to make your marriage work?
> 
> Todays society seems to give the impression that running from the marriage and divorce is always the best solution, but a study shows that couples who hang in and work on it are usually happier 5 years later, where as, couples who divorced were only 19% happier 5 years later.
> 
> It only takes one to be the example for a better marriage.


:iagree:

When staying in a troubled marriage, there are the tangibles and the intangibles. "For the kids" is a tangible.

Five years ago my wife was completely disconnected from me emotionally. (The intangibles were gone.) She really didn't think that "those feelings" would ever come back. She was deep in an EA and focused her "happiness" on him but stayed because of the kids. While she was dubious of any true reconciliation it gave the marriage time to heal and time for her to see I wasn't going down without a fight. Her loyalty to the kids served as an ally in a slow recovery. For a long time in the marriage, there was little physical touch but there was no fighting either. Slowly she turned and began to come back emotionally. Now we are in a very happy marriage and a stronger one too. Although our kids never saw any serious arguments, they are certainly smart enough to know the marriage was troubled. But I certainly don't think they suffered an damage during the R.

As long as at least one partner is working toward R then staying for the kids can be helpful in that goal. (Given a healthy environment) Troubled marriages don't heal overnight, over days or weeks. It takes time and staying for the tangibles can help in keeping the disconnected spouse in the game.

If both parents have given up and have no hope of R then I can only imagine the resentment, anger and lack of respect will fester to a point that it is unhealthy for the kids and a divorce is the best option for them. But if your willing to try, strap in for the long hall and give it all you've got.


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## Jason439 (Jul 16, 2012)

I would like to think it is, but there's so many people here that have been through divorce and the general feeling is no. 

I think every situation is different, every person is different. 

There would have to be some form of plan or agreement that both partners would follow with opportunities to revisit/renegotiate. 

Personally, I would give it a try. Not sure if my W would though.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Jason439 said:


> I would like to think it is, but there's so many people here that have been through divorce and the general feeling is no.
> 
> I think every situation is different, every person is different.
> 
> ...


Society (Hollywood) will tell you divorce is the norm, best thing, but I disagree. Divorces only lead to more divorces and the % goes up with each new relationship. 

If you would like to give it a try, then put the ego aside and make it your mission. Understand it takes patience and the ability to let them have space with bounderies. 

I highly recommend the book Divorce Busting. I read and reread it when mine was wayward, but she eventually came back and is back in love.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

This is me said:


> In general it is best for the kids to come from a home with two parents. Have you tried MC? What efforts are you making to make your marriage work?
> 
> Todays society seems to give the impression that running from the marriage and divorce is always the best solution, but a study shows that couples who hang in and work on it are usually happier 5 years later, where as, couples who divorced were only 19% happier 5 years later.
> 
> It only takes one to be the example for a better marriage.


Read some of my posts. I am in no way "running from my marriage to get divorced". I have been trying for 5 years.


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## Jason439 (Jul 16, 2012)

I'm going to look for the book today. We haven't been unfaithful. ( me for sure ). I don't think my W has been, but I wonder if she has or has thought about. 

I have thought about seeking companionship outside of my marriage, but realized it would be a huge mistake.


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## heartbrok3n (Jun 5, 2012)

Count me in, too. Seems like a lot of people are thinking about getting a divorce here.

Even though i'm thinking about it, it doesn't mean i support it. The ideal is of course to work things out with your spouse and to rekindle the romantic feelings you used to have for each other. But if that was only that simple, the divorce rate would virtually zero.

I'm asking myself the same question that you're asking yourself, if it would be better to stay until the kids are all grown before parting ways with my wife. And i am not sure if i could be happier alone or with another woman after divorcing my wife. These questions can only be answered then and there, not here and now.

If you think you can live on without any emotional or physical intimacy with her or anyone else for the rest of your life, then by all means stay with her for the sake of the kids.

Even though your marriage is already emotionally dead, and you are not interested in anyone right now, could you guarantee there won't be anyone that might capture your attention in the future? Or is your heart so shattered that you don't think you will be capable of falling in love again?

If you do decide to stay in this loveless and dead marriage, just make sure you don't have a gf on the side. As prevalent as adultery is nowadays, it is still frowned upon. And people, your children included, will not be so patient as to give you a chance to explain why you have to resort to adultery.

Like you i am struggling to make my decision... i will give it until next month. I still love my wife, but i think this is the furthest my love can take me.

Whatever you may choose to do, do it after much thought. Take care of yourself man


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## Jason439 (Jul 16, 2012)

Well said Heartbrok3n!


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Let me add another condition to my question; I have put the effort into fixing my marriage and have finally just decided there's no hope, then ask the question, is it better to stay for the kids?

I honestly have tried everything I know how. I've been going to counseling for 3 years (she goes off and on) and she just never puts forth any effort to heal our marriage. She's comfortable with the way things are with us. And honestly, I'm at the point where I don't even want to fix it anymore.

With that in mind...any other opinions?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I didn't want my children to feel responsible for my misery once they were adults, so I didn't stay for them. That and I wanted them to see what a true loving marriage looked like.

When it came down to it, it wasn't really for them... the staying. If I was honest with myself, it would have been for the comfort of not going into the unknown. Staying with what was familiar. Financial stability. 

I thought I owed my kids the best me they could have. I couldn't do that in a bad marriage.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

A Bit Much said:


> When it came down to it, it wasn't really for them... the staying. If I was honest with myself, it would have been for the comfort of not going into the unknown. Staying with what was familiar. Financial stability.
> 
> I thought I owed my kids the best me they could have. I couldn't do that in a bad marriage.



Wow Bit! How brutally honest and soul bearing. A good perspective for all to look at. Thanks.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I didn't want my children to feel responsible for my misery once they were adults, so I didn't stay for them. That and I wanted them to see what a true loving marriage looked like.
> 
> When it came down to it, it wasn't really for them... the staying. If I was honest with myself, it would have been for the comfort of not going into the unknown. Staying with what was familiar. Financial stability.
> 
> I thought I owed my kids the best me they could have. I couldn't do that in a bad marriage.


I agree. My parents were miserable growing up and we knew it. It was a terrible place to grow up and to this day (in my forties), I still struggle with a normal relationship. Kids need their parents to role model relationships.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Gosh, what a hard question to fathom an answer to. 

Even if the parents aren't all-&-out fighting but decide to stay together, most likely one or both of the parents won't be happy about the situation. Kids can tell when their parents aren't happy or when something is wrong. 

Is it better to "fake it" and stay, then shock the kids later on when they become "adults" (as adult as an 18 year old can be...I know it varies) with divorce when the kid thought everything was okay for so many years? What will this do to a person's trust in the institution of marriage as well? Then the kid gets used to, for a longer period of time, mom and dad both being there for every celebration...every occasion (holidays, birthdays, etc...) and now all of a sudden they grew up and that's all gone now. Now it is all a mixture of weirdness for weddings and holidays because mom and dad aren't together anymore. 

Just because kids grow up, does not mean they stop being your children. What happens to you still affects them greatly. So I don't believe in this "Stay til the kids grow up" thing entirely. I think it can be just as devestating if you decide to wait until they are older.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> When it came down to it, it wasn't really for them... the staying. If I was honest with myself, it would have been for the comfort of not going into the unknown. Staying with what was familiar. Financial stability.


I think this is true in many cases. I've yet to meet anyone in real life that regrets their divorce but all agree it was scary to take that leap of faith into the unknown.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

No magic bullet here. I'll add two thoughts - thoughts mind you, not facts:

1) A "broken" marriage doesn't always mean a broken relationship. Odds are high the two are the same, but it is not a given. So providing a stable home with decent relationships has its advantages. But if the relationship is toxic, it is toxic to everyone - kids included.

2) I could argue that having a troubled marriage which you are working on sets an example for your children - don't give up at the 1st sign of trouble. There can certainly come a time when divorce is the right answer. But like the marriage itself, communication is important with the children too. That part would be very age/maturity specific. And I am not advocating you include them in all, or even any, of the specific details. But they do get the sense, so if you don't talk to them at all about it, you're promoting secrecy.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I didn't want my children to feel responsible for my misery once they were adults, so I didn't stay for them. That and I wanted them to see what a true loving marriage looked like.
> 
> When it came down to it, it wasn't really for them... the staying. If I was honest with myself, it would have been for the comfort of not going into the unknown. Staying with what was familiar. Financial stability.
> 
> I thought I owed my kids the best me they could have. I couldn't do that in a bad marriage.


If I'm honest with MYself...I'd be staying not for them, but for me too. For the reasons you mentioned but also because I somewhat selfishly don't want to lose a single second in their lives. Even at the expense of my misery with my marriage. Heck, if I do decide to leave, it really would be for them so they could not be raised in that kind of household because like I said, I'm not sure I'd be any happier living alone.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

See beach's other posts. His wife is immature and needs to be taken care of. She treats him like a daddy instead of husband.

Personally, I couldn't allow my children to see an incapable woman. That teaches all women are incapable and need a man to take care of them. Not a good message in this day and time when most women are expected to be able to take care if themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

I am a HUGE advocate of NOT staying together for the kids. They learn what a marriage and relationship is from their parents why would anyone want to keep them from having a healthy relationship in the future. (sorry speaking from alot of experience)


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I hated being divorced at first, but learner to love it! I went on singles trips, joined sports groups, etc. Life was hard at first, but it gets better. I finally met a man and married him, and I know it was right to divorce years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

My take has been ‘its better to try to work it out a lot harder for the sake of the kids’ than thinking on terms of staying ‘for them’. So, that basically places healthier conditions on the situation and acknowledges I have my limits and boundaries for the marriage itself. It also places a responsibility on myself to find ways to ‘deal with it’ without putting this all on my wife to fix. 

So how it falls in place. My wife had multiple affairs. It is horrible for me to live with that history and those feelings of betrayal. So my job is to work hard on myself at finding ways to see that as ‘the past’ and my own shame for staying; she can influence this, but it really is all me finding that path. I take the kids out of the equation because I don’t want them burdened in my mind as the reason I’m in hell (which could warp its way into passive resentment of them for ‘making me go through this’). So, I view it as my own choice to walk through hell and find my own way out. I can divorce and am comfortable with that if the hope of a ‘real marriage’ dies. It is my own values and ideals of family, not some other excuse, that I am willing to embrace all this pain and fight my way through it instead of running. I think of it in terms of selfish ownership of my own actions.... No one ‘makes me’, I have a choice.

And it does take work from my wife as well; She is a large influence. I have boundaries and have learned to enforce them. I have a willingness to divorce if certain ones are crossed. I’ve done that work internally. I will go through hell to save my family only as long as I believe there is a way out and I, and the marriage are making progress. I will not stay in hell for this ideal and I sure wouldn’t blame the kiddos for making me stay where I don’t really want to be.

Make sense?


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

My parents never touched or showed affection, never! To this day, it is hard for me to show affection. I believebit is because of the way I grew up. I try, but I have difficulty doing so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

BeachGuy; 
how long have you been married?
and how old are your kids?

sorry if I missed, if you already posted. (Im new here)


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

tennisstar said:


> I agree. My parents were miserable growing up and we knew it. It was a terrible place to grow up and to this day (in my forties), I still struggle with a normal relationship. Kids need their parents to role model relationships.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. My parents stopped fighting when I was really young like 9. But they replaced that with NOT communicating at all and doing their own thing. My dad took alot of that frustration out on me. So I struggle with getting defensive because I used to always get blamed for something.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

I've been in a 25 year unhappy marraige - but with alot of fighting and lies. (Not to be compared to you). My kids are older - and they tell me they would of rather seen their mom happy and doing things for herself.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I know the standard reply is it's better for the kids to see their parents happy than to see dad and mom not loving each other.
> 
> Does anyone think it's better to stay until they're grown? So long as there's no shouting and fighting between the spouses? Of course there's no touching or loving between them either.
> 
> I'm not so sure I'd "be happier" divorced and living alone. I mean I have no feelings towards her anymore but I love my kids more than life itself.


I wll say NO! I grew up in such a wicked household.
My parents lifestyles were horrible. Drugs, physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse. They were ON occasion affectionate towrds one another. It wasnt something that we rarely got to see in our home. something that was rarely shown to us.
What is the point in living out your days with someone who doesnt even want to love you emotionally or physically? 
I have to say as a child and a young adult teen, whatever you may call it, i hated the fact that my parents didnt divorce. both my sisters agreed with me as well. they were no good for each other. They werent even parents. I think if they choose that route they would have been better off in parenting being seperate and changed their ways. But my mom always said she stayed for us kids..? No, she stayed. I am sorry i will respectfully diagree with anyone who says that the person taking the abuse is a victim. I say they are just a sick as the person creating it. you are staying because some part of you has to like it. Ive seen it first hand. Thats my proof of knowing that both parties are at fault and like their lifestyle know matter how much they say they hate it. they werent changing anything. Didnt take us kids into consideration.

I think that if you have these things absent in your relationship then of course your children are going to hurt. they will regardless. If there is nothign left for either of you, dont use your children for an excuse to stay. you are only hurting them.
more so, as long as you can work out visitation and take turns parenting then i find that more suitable for your situation. That is something that needs to be discussed and if you do decide to leave, make sure you get in writing what you are bothing willing to agree on. People turn the corner really fast on what they say regarding their kids, they will use them to their benefit of making you suffer and take your love away from them.

i hope you can find some peace in your situation.
If the tide has come in and washed away the love and happiness, then dont waste your only life being miserable. your children will know their parents as the ygrow and learn that not all things, but somethings are for the better!


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

was rarely* excuse me!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

BeachGuy said:


> because I somewhat selfishly don't want to lose a single second in their lives. Even at the expense of my misery with my marriage.


Exactly. An arrangement where the kids stayed with their dad full time and their mom supported herself completely and stopped by to visit sometimes might not be that bad. Especially with all the kids at least in middle school. But I don't think this exact arrangement is what anyone has in mind


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

My ex husband grew up in a household where his dad cheated and basically told his boys not to tell their mom about it...They didn't divorce until the boys were out of the house...He is an ex because he constantly cheated.... so people can sit here and say it doesn't effect it but I believe it plays a role.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Readytogo said:


> BeachGuy;
> how long have you been married?
> and how old are your kids?
> 
> sorry if I missed, if you already posted. (Im new here)


Married 20 years. Kids are 10 and 13.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

tennisstar said:


> Personally, I couldn't allow my children to see an incapable woman. That teaches all women are incapable and need a man to take care of them. Not a good message in this day and time when most women are expected to be able to take care if themselves.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I suppose I really don't have a choice there. Even if we divorce, they're still going to be with her the majority of the time since I'm gone 10 hours a day at work. I try my best to teach them everything I can. She waits on them hand and foot and has never taught them how to do anything.

Fortunately my kids seem to be "normal" so far. There's plenty of love and affection towards them. I never heard "I love you" growing up so we say it a lot in my house. I know they "know" but outside of my wife and I not being happy with each other, we have a fairly normal household. We still do things together, have family come stay with us, etc.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

SeaMaiden said:


> I know what you mean - my parents were very "hands off", I don't even remember them ever kissing each other hello or good bye. They divorced when I was 9. I have difficulty being "affectionate", but at the same time I crave it. I'm lucky enough to have a man who is very affectionate and that has helped me to be able to open up - now it's not just him reaching to hold my hand, I will reach to hold his first too.


Interesting...my wife's parents divorced when she was young and they are very hands off even today. I don't recall ever seeing either one of them be affectionate with their current spouses. Maybe that's why my wife turned in to the same thing.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

This is tough.
My parents split up when I was 13 yrs old, so I know what it feels like. In my specific situation I was actually relieved when they seperated. Their was SO MUCH tension in the house when they were both home (they both worked alot) that I hated it, and when they fought  wow. So for me, yes I was happier. I don't know if my sister felt the same though.
I think if you are in a situation if you and your wife CANNOT get along peacefully anymore. You've tried everything - counseling, etc; but there's too much animosity, pain, and anger to peacefully co-exist to manage the home and raise the children - then yes you should split up, in my opinion.
However, if you can just be partners in the sense of living together in peace (more or less) and raising the kids, managing your home w/o any real romantic love there. If you are making the conscience choice of sacrificing x amount of years to stay together for the sake of the children's happiness and stability, than I would stay married. But when they are all out of the house perhaps re-visit if you want to continue the marriage. 
This is tough, there isn't any stock easy answer to this. 
Just my two cents as a child of divorce.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

SeaMaiden said:


> My .02 cents - the kids WILL notice the lack of emotional connection between the parents, although they may not understand what it means. They may grow up to be emotionally detatched from others because that is what they know. Key word being "may".


This is interesting. Before my wife I dated this girl whose parents' marriage was a mess. They stayed together for their children's sake (I believe the dad had an extended affair). They were emotionally disconnected and could be mean to each other in their own ways. My ex-gf was emotionally disconnected as well. It was rare that she showed true vulnerability or was emotionally warm (she was very sexual though). I never put that together until you posted that. It makes sense though. Her parents were disconnected, so she had issues with emotional intimacy as well.


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

A friend of mine who I've known since ever, used to have a "perfect" family. Both parents served in the army, but they had a stable home and didnt have to move around. Four kids, a viviacious mom and tough dad, and a large close-knit family nearby. He has always seen his parents as an ideal couple. He got engaged during college and married last year.
In between engagement and wedding, his parents' marriage fell apart. EAs and PAs came to light, old and current. She was too fake and he was too distant. He wanted to work on it still, but she didnt.
Now my friend is having trouble in his marriage bc he's trying to re-create his "perfect" family, but it was really all a sham anyway, but he really wants to hold on to it anyway. So he's trying to push family on his wife (they are 21 and 24) who's not ready and has a more overtly "broken home" and she hasnt had very good relationship/parenting rolemodels either.

What I'm trying to say is, your kids cannot learn to exemplify a healthy relationship if its not genuine. You can't fake it.

If you don't want to miss out on your girls lives, then get primary custody or live a block away when you split.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

I had thoughts of leaving but decided to stay until the kids were grown (if 18 is grown lol). I haven't left yet -- it's been 32 years. I realized early in the marriage that he, although amazing, is the wrong man for me. But I didn't want to give up on the marriage. We had a lot of fun with the kids, and there was tension in the house at times but not regularly. Most of the time it was a pretty good atmosphere. We didn't fight in front of them. The only regular sign of a bad marriage was me sleeping on the couch all the time. 

I think if the home situation is decent then it's better to stay until the kids leave home. I agree, though, that divorce is hard to accept at any age.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

HiMaint57 said:


> We didn't fight in front of them. The only regular sign of a bad marriage was me sleeping on the couch all the time.
> 
> I think if the home situation is decent then it's better to stay until the kids leave home.


I'm married to a son of a couple like you. He's emotionally unavailable, not much into physical touch, could probably take or leave sex (I'm HD), basically he's mimicing his parents loveless, sexless marriage.

I think it's better to divorce than to teach your kids THIS is what marriage is. I'm paying for the fact that his parents had a dead marriage.

Just my .02


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

This is me said:


> In general it is best for the kids to come from a home with two parents. Have you tried MC? What efforts are you making to make your marriage work?
> 
> Todays society seems to give the impression that running from the marriage and divorce is always the best solution, but a study shows that couples who hang in and work on it are usually happier 5 years later, where as, couples who divorced were only 19% happier 5 years later.
> 
> It only takes one to be the example for a better marriage.


I agree with all this. I think staying for the kids depends on the reason. If you have a toxic relationship where the kids are miserable, that is one thing, but if you are just at an "unhappy" stage, i would give it a lot of serious thought. My x wife didn't seem to be worried about anybody's happiness except her own. She told me that she wasn't going to let the kids reaction influence whether we split. In other words, she didn't care about the kids, it was all about her.

Instead of asking, "Is it ever better to stay for the children," my wife should have asked, "Is it ok to leave just for my own agenda and not consider anyone else."


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I'm married to a son of a couple like you. He's emotionally unavailable, not much into physical touch, could probably take or leave sex (I'm HD), basically he's mimicing his parents loveless, sexless marriage.
> 
> I think it's better to divorce than to teach your kids THIS is what marriage is. I'm paying for the fact that his parents had a dead marriage.
> 
> Just my .02


That's us. And that's how her parents are and I guess why she is the way she is. I agree completely about teaching the kids what a real marriage is. But that makes me ask what if I never re-marry? Not saying it would never happen but it's always possible I never find another woman that I want to marry? Then what does it teach them?

I know more than one woman who divorced and stayed that way for many many years, until their kids were grown and gone.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> That's us. And that's how her parents are and I guess why she is the way she is. I agree completely about teaching the kids what a real marriage is. But that makes me ask what if I never re-marry? Not saying it would never happen but it's always possible I never find another woman that I want to marry? Then what does it teach them?
> 
> I know more than one woman who divorced and stayed that way for many many years, until their kids were grown and gone.


I HIGHLY doubt you will stay single for long unless that's what you choose to do. I've read your posts and I just don't see you doing that.

In my circle EVERYONE (seriously I can't think of a single exception) that has gotten divorced has gone on to marry or at least date again. Plenty of opportunity for kids to see what affection looks like.


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## cjpa (Jul 17, 2012)

Yea, this is tough, and different for everyone I suspect. My baby is so yyoung that I think it's better to stay for her sake--we get along fine from her perspective and treat each other respectively. But I will be honest here, I was planning on leaving her daddy then found out I was pregnant. He is a wonderful daddy...and rommate. I need so much more than a "roommate" but have decided to sacrifice my own needs for her. Life, afterall, is partly about sacrifice and compromise, right?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

By not divorcing her, you are also taking her potential happiness away...not fair.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> By not divorcing her, you are also taking her potential happiness away...not fair.


That's funny.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

I am in this same predicament. I WISH I could get my feelings back for my husband. I would love to hear how it happened for the wives after they completely lost attraction and love. I too am in an affair which I'm sure isn't helping one bit. But even if it were to end I don't see feeling for my H as I once did.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I HIGHLY doubt you will stay single for long unless that's what you choose to do. I've read your posts and I just don't see you doing that.
> 
> *In my circle EVERYONE (seriously I can't think of a single exception) that has gotten divorced has gone on to marry or at least date again.* Plenty of opportunity for kids to see what affection looks like.


This is my experience too. And I'm living it myself. If you want to remarry you will. Really it's your choice to stay single or not.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Kimberley17 said:


> I am in this same predicament. I WISH I could get my feelings back for my husband. I would love to hear how it happened for the wives after they completely lost attraction and love. I too am in an affair which I'm sure isn't helping one bit. But even if it were to end I don't see feeling for my H as I once did.


I can tell you this Kimberly...I thought the same thing once. But I decided to give it one last try (after we were separated). I watched Fireproof, did The Love Dare and read The 5 Love Languages. And I found myself wanting to be with my wife again. I wanted my family to stay whole. So I think you can get those feelings back if you truly WANT them back. Although in the end it didn't work out, it was only because of her and her unwillingness to try. But still, I did get the feeling back.

As for the affair...I can atest that when people have that first affair, the feelings and emotions are WAY powerful but also WAY unrealistic. I consider myself very lucky that my affair ended quickly before I did something really stupid.

Good luck.


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## DangerousCurves (Jul 18, 2012)

I did and I'm glad for it. It forced us to work harder on our marriage and now we're doing better than ever. I couldn't imagine being a single mom, but I couldn't imagine spending the next 10 years in a hopeless marriage either, so it kinda forced me to work on our differences or spend the next decade being miserable. It's not perfect (no marriage is) but we're in a good place now and I can honestly say we're happier now. I no longer see us parting ways once we become empty-nesters.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

A Bit Much said:


> This is my experience too. And I'm living it myself. If you want to remarry you will. Really it's your choice to stay single or not.


That makes it sound like one would have to make an "effort" to not remarry rather than making an "effort" to remarry, or get married the first time for that matter.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I'm not so sure I'd "be happier" divorced and living alone. I mean I have no feelings towards her anymore but I love my kids more than life itself.


This is the hard part. Sometimes I wish I could see the future and see what things would be like to be without my husband.

Sometimes I feel like I'd be happier, while other times, I just am not sure.

Tough situation when there are kids involved. Deep down I know that I would not have given my husband a second chance if we did not have a child together. Kids change everything. Kids change decisions even when you are unhappy in your situation. 

Everyone wants whats best for their children, which is typically both parents together.....but at what point do we say "my kids will be loved just as much if we are together or separated, and I need to start living for my happiness as well".

Its so hard.


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