# how to best support my kids



## mama (Feb 25, 2011)

my youngest finally let it all out last night. wailing, sobbing uncontrollably. up until this point she seemd her happy self but last night overheard me talking with her teacher about her saying she was sad at school and missed her dad. she told me last night that she doesnt want me to leave her too. i explained that dad didn't leave her and that we both still love her even though we no longer live together and that it was not anything to do with her nor was it her fault. i told her dad would be able to see her and even take her over nights and she cried harder and hugged me telling me she didn't want to becuase she didn't want to leave me. it breaks my heart. i left the dad and initiated the sep so i feel to blame for this because she thinks he left her. she told me she doesn't want me to stop loving her. omg i nearly cried uncontrollably myself. the counsellor at her school hasn't been in and i asked her if she wanted me to find someone else for her to talk to and she said yes. anyone else exp. this at this age stage and what did u do to help them get through it? my older child who is a tween doesn't seem to have much reaction. i was more worried about her because she hasn't cried or outwardly expressed emotion just asking questions as to why we split up and wanting to know more then a tween age should know. told me that she didn't want to talk to the counsellor at school because didn't want friends or classmates asking her why she was seeing them. told me she was fine and didn't need to talk to someone outside of school. two diff. reactions as well as dealing with my own feelings. feeling pretty crappy right about now even though i know the decision was the right one. can anyone suggest anything? how did u help your kids cope? what did u tell them? 

thanks


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Well, my kids were really super little when I divorced my ex, so it was really pretty simple. 

My best advice though would be to just be there for both of them. Let them know you are willing to listen to anything they have to say, good or bad. Prepare yourself that they might say some pretty awful things to you, but remember that they don't really mean them; they are just hurt and scared. 

I would also have Dad talk to the youngest, and have him reassure her that he hasn't left her, and that he will see her and take her overnight and all that, and maybe even be extra generous with the visitation for a while until she realizes that he's still going to be there for her. 

I wouldn't tell them anything they don't specifically need to know. The reasons why you left him aren't important right now. Simply saying you and Dad weren't happy together would really be enough right now. If the oldest presses for more answers, I would say tell her whatever you feel comfortable telling her, and if you don't want to tell her something, I'd either tell her that it's between me and her father, or that she's just not old enough for that conversation right now. 

The main thing is just to be there for them, and make sure that they know you are there.


----------

