# Physically Attractive Sexual Partners?



## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

So I was wondering, if you took stock of all your sexual partners, how many of them did you find physically attractive at the time of the encounter? As in, "I choose to have sex with this person" as opposed to "I choose to have sex, this person will do".

Have you ever turned down a potential partner for being TOO unattractive? (this one is just for the men, haha)


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

To get the ball rolling, I have had nine partners and found one of them attractive. My God, her eyes.

I have turned down women for being unattractive but this was before I lost my virginity, so a measure of low confidence may have played a part. I haven't turned anyone down in my sexually-active period.


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## Husband2016 (May 27, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> So I was wondering, if you took stock of all your sexual partners, how many of them did you find physically attractive at the time of the encounter? As in, "I choose to have sex with this person" as opposed to "I choose to have sex, this person will do".
> 
> Have you ever turned down a potential partner for being TOO unattractive? (this one is just for the men, haha)


Well, if I turned down a partner she wouldn’t be a sexual partner now would she?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

A few have been marginal in terms of physical attraction, but made up for that with personality and enthusiasm. Most have been quite attractive physically, by my standards. Of those, only a couple have been duds in bed. I require _high_ physical _and_ personality attraction for any long term partner, though.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Randy Lafever said:


> To get the ball rolling, I have had nine partners and found one of them attractive. My God, her eyes.
> 
> I have turned down women for being unattractive but this was before I lost my virginity, so a measure of low confidence may have played a part. I haven't turned anyone down in my sexually-active period.


You’ve had 9 partners but only found one of them physically attractive?


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Faithful Wife said:


> You’ve had 9 partners but only found one of them physically attractive?


Yes, only one of them would I have pursued sexually if that were possible, rather than they pursuing me. Naturally once they made their intentions clear it was already too late, wasn't it?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Randy Lafever said:


> To get the ball rolling, I have had nine partners and found one of them attractive. My God, her eyes.


For me, personally, this begs the question, "Why?"


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> For me, personally, this begs the question, "Why?"


Why did I have sex with unattractive partners? I was a young man. Young men enjoy sex. If attractive women had pursued me I would have slept with them instead. Alas, fate forced my hand on this one, haha.

As for why am I currently having sex with an unattractive partner, well, marital responsibilities and all that.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Randy Lafever said:


> As for why am I currently having sex with an unattractive partner, well, marital responsibilities and all that.


Still begs the question, "Why?" Sure, young men want sex. I get that. But all men - young or not - have the ability to say "no thanks." 

Why didn't you have sex with women you found attractive? Are you unattractive? Can't you attract relatively good looking women?

So now it sounds like you are married to an "unattractive partner." Well, SOME of the onus of responsibility lies with you in all these scenarios, doesn't it?


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Still begs the question, "Why?" Sure, young men want sex. I get that. But all men - young or not - have the ability to say "no thanks."


But why? I think you are maybe missing the point. They were physically unattractive, true. But you can easily have sex with them all the same. You get the same enjoyment out of it. And while I look fondly back on the one attractive one, in the moment it wasn't any different from the rest.

So why turn them down? Why deny myself a few moments of enjoyment in this brutal life?



> Why didn't you have sex with women you found attractive? Are you unattractive? Can't you attract relatively good looking women?


I can only play the hand dealt me. Those are the women that pursued me. If I were to pursue women, I would choose different ones. But that isn't how it works.



> So now it sounds like you are married to an "unattractive partner." Well, SOME of the onus of responsibility lies with you in all these scenarios, doesn't it?


I wasn't blaming anybody I was just wondering about other peoples' experiences. When I was with the attractive one I didn't know she would be my last. I wonder how I would have behaved if I had known.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I have no idea how many sexual partners I've been with, I quit counting a long time ago. I've been with attractive ones to very unattractive ones. Some of the best ones were what society would deem unattractive, had relationships with some and ons with others. I think if you're gonna turn em down, turn em face down. 

Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Most of this seems like mumbo jumbo... except marrying someone you do not find attractive. 

That seems sad. "Love, honor, and cherish" and all that....and you don't even find them attractive? I can't imagine.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't have a strong sense of physical attraction or a strong link to sexual attraction. I'm more likely to be sexually attracted to someone based on their personality than on their looks. I'm likely to think someone is physically attractive if I like them in other ways 

I also find women attractive in general.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I must say that I found all of them sexy. Not everyone is a 9 or 10, but you don't have to be a 9 or 10 to be sexy. If that was the case there would be a lot less of us on this planet. Sexy comes in all sizes, shapes, and colors.

_Added Later:_ Now that I think about it sexual attraction can disappear completely. Hot is so subjective...when you've decided you're done with a relationship, she can be the hottest woman ever and you will have zero interest.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Randy Lafever said:


> So I was wondering, if you took stock of all your sexual partners, how many of them did you find physically attractive at the time of the encounter? As in, "I choose to have sex with this person" as opposed to "I choose to have sex, this person will do".
> 
> Have you ever turned down a potential partner for being TOO unattractive? (this one is just for the men, haha)


I never had sex with a woman I didn’t find attractive.
As regards her personality,I couldn’t have cared less.
I was looking to screw them not marry them.
And yes,I’ve turned down women in the past who I didn’t find attractive enough.

Reading this back I come across as a right ******* lol.But I have changed.
I think.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

To straight up look at, my XH (who was my first) was not someone I was physically attracted too at the beginning. We had been friends a long time, and all that he was is what became so attractive to me. He had/has so many wonderful qualities and parts of his personality that I fell deeply in love with. Add to that teen hormones and that sealed the deal. He then was very attractive to me. He isn't ugly or anything, just not someone I would check out twice if I didn't know him.

Current H, I find him to be mad hot.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I don't sleep with people I don't find attractive. Not all of them have been wildly conventionally attractive, but then, neither am I. I have found all of my partners to be attractive _to me_ - physically and sexually. That's likely a product of the fact that I don't sleep with people I'm not in a relationship with. I wouldn't date someone I found unattractive, and I wouldn't further that dating relationship with someone I wasn't physically and sexually attracted to. 

Now, I haven't always been wildly attracted to a long-term partner at the very point of each and every sexual encounter. Most married people have had sex with a spouse they weren't physically and/or sexually wildly attracted to _at that particular time_. That's sometimes just the nature of a long-term relationship. But I wouldn't get into a relationship, and hopefully wouldn't remain in one, with someone I found in any way repulsive or unattractive on an ongoing basis. 

I can't imagine being married to someone I didn't think of as attractive in some way. So, the OP's reference to his wife is somewhat baffling to me. Why marry someone you don't find attractive? :scratchhead:


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

uhtred said:


> I don't have a strong sense of physical attraction or a strong link to sexual attraction. I'm more likely to be sexually attracted to someone based on their personality than on their looks.


So what do you do for porn? Is that why a lot of them have like ten minutes of the cameraman talking to the woman beforehand?



Rowan said:


> I can't imagine being married to someone I didn't think of as attractive in some way. So, the OP's reference to his wife is somewhat baffling to me. Why marry someone you don't find attractive? :scratchhead:


Well, she gave birth to my child so that made it easier.

Also, I had no reason to think I would ever be pursued by an attractive woman again, so there was an element of "this might be the best I can do" to it.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> But why? I think you are maybe missing the point. They were physically unattractive, true. But you can easily have sex with them all the same. You get the same enjoyment out of it. And while I look fondly back on the one attractive one, in the moment it wasn't any different from the rest.
> 
> So why turn them down? Why deny myself a few moments of enjoyment in this brutal life?


If you had a good time and it was their idea, sounds like everybody won.


> I can only play the hand dealt me. Those are the women that pursued me. If I were to pursue women, I would choose different ones. But that isn't how it works.


The hand dealt you is that you don't have to be totally passive and accept what comes your way, you can be as active as they are in pursuing what you want. That is only "how it works" if you accept it.

If you had a good time w/ people society doesn't label "attractive", good for both of you. If you married someone you don't find attractive, I am a little more worried but if the two of you are making it work then good for you(plural) again.

As for me, I doubt any of my partners were pursued by the Hefner corporation, but they were all attractive to me.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I have found all of my sex partners attractive and sexy. 

You may not have though.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

SpinyNorman said:


> The hand dealt you is that you don't have to be totally passive and accept what comes your way, you can be as active as they are in pursuing what you want. That is only "how it works" if you accept it.


I'm not psychologically capable of "pursuing what I want" or even wanting anything. Every aspect of my life revolves around what others intend for me. I learned a long time ago not to pursue or want. Those things lead to disappointment.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Randy Lafever said:


> SpinyNorman said:
> 
> 
> > The hand dealt you is that you don't have to be totally passive and accept what comes your way, you can be as active as they are in pursuing what you want. That is only "how it works" if you accept it.
> ...


If you don’t ask you don’t get. 
And faint heart never won fair lady.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> If you don’t ask you don’t get.
> And faint heart never won fair lady.


I'm well aware of this. I have a 33 year track record of not "getting". Do you think I chose this path?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This is a strange thread 😊.

From first to last....all of them. Sometimes in my youth two at a time.
I've said "kindly no thanks" many times. Very tactfully always.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Randy Lafever said:


> I'm well aware of this. I have a 33 year track record of not "getting". Do you think I chose this path?


Yes, you did choose that path. You sound very passive and not willing to pursue what you want. I get the you wanted sex so you just took whatever came your way. I have been like that, in some ways I think I still may have regressive tendencies where in I fall back into those thought patterns. But the reality is as some one else said, you only get what you ask for and if you never ask, you never get.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Ynot said:


> Yes, you did choose that path. You sound very passive and not willing to pursue what you want.


It goes beyond that. As a child I trained myself not to "want" anything, to avoid the inevitable disappointment when I didn't get it. Even if I knew how to "go after" what I wanted, how would I know what that would be?



> But the reality is as some one else said, you only get what you ask for and if you never ask, you never get.


I know. My entire life is patterned around not asking for anything, at any time, for any reason, I have worked very hard to make it this way. I once nearly died from a staph infection because I couldn't bring myself to seek medical attention. At some point, the infection got so bad I went delusional and was ranting and raving and my mother forced me to go to the doctor, haha.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

Randy- these are very sad posts from you. It sounds like you had a miserable childhood with parents who were not able to give you the love and care you deserved. You developed some unfortunate but understandable coping mechanisms. Have you tried therapy? It might help you see a way out of this pattern of thinking.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Randy,

All are a "yes" until you/they/circumstances move to a "no".

😊 that's a good starting place. You can do it!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Randy Lafever said:


> It goes beyond that. As a child I trained myself not to "want" anything, to avoid the inevitable disappointment when I didn't get it. Even if I knew how to "go after" what I wanted, how would I know what that would be?
> 
> 
> 
> I know. My entire life is patterned around not asking for anything, at any time, for any reason, I have worked very hard to make it this way. I once nearly died from a staph infection because I couldn't bring myself to seek medical attention. At some point, the infection got so bad I went delusional and was ranting and raving and my mother forced me to go to the doctor, haha.


Sad and scary. Accepting disappointment is a normal part of mental health. Being debilitated by fear of same is not. That you laugh at your story is mind boggling.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Randy Lafever said:


> It goes beyond that. As a child I trained myself not to "want" anything, to avoid the inevitable disappointment when I didn't get it. Even if I knew how to "go after" what I wanted, how would I know what that would be?
> 
> 
> 
> I know. My entire life is patterned around not asking for anything, at any time, for any reason, I have worked very hard to make it this way. I once nearly died from a staph infection because I couldn't bring myself to seek medical attention. At some point, the infection got so bad I went delusional and was ranting and raving and my mother forced me to go to the doctor, haha.


This is sad. You should not be working very hard to NOT want things. Apparently the staph infection has made you delusional, even now.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Fact: if you never want anything and you never expect anything good to happen, you will never be disappointed. Fact: you can never fail if you never try. Fact: you can never be rejected if you never stick your neck out. Fact: you can never negatively impact another person if you try as hard as you can to not have any impact on them.


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## His_Response (Jun 14, 2018)

Every partner I've ever had has been attractive to me.

That doesn't mean they were all 'physically' beautiful. For me, personality is what makes a person really attractive. I've had a couple of partners (in my teens, one night stands) where the attraction was primarily physical. Since my 20's I've always needed to like a person's personality before I would consider anything sexual. Not that I -couldn't- have sex with them, but I wouldn't -want- to have sex with them.

The few that I've said no to were actually quite attractive physically, but their personalities were not. 


-H.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Randy Lafever said:


> I'm well aware of this. I have a 33 year track record of not "getting". Do you think I chose this path?


I don’t know if you can see it clear enough but have a look at my avatar.The scarecrow is saying to Dorothy “I may not have a brain but I’m not the ***** that’s lost when there’s only one road”.
Well my friend unlike these two you had more than one road or path that you could have taken and still can if necessary.
Does your wife know you don’t find her attractive and is there anything she can/would do to improve the situation.
As others have pointed out, you finding it humorous that you were delusional before taking steps to get medical treatment for an infection is very worrisome.
Do you say “sorry” a lot?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Randy Lafever said:


> Fact: if you never want anything and you never expect anything good to happen, you will never be disappointed. Fact: you can never fail if you never try. Fact: you can never be rejected if you never stick your neck out. Fact: you can never negatively impact another person if you try as hard as you can to not have any impact on them.


You may as well have left the womb and went straight to the grave with this attitude.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Does your wife know you don’t find her attractive and is there anything she can/would do to improve the situation.


She complains all the time that I don't show her any affection or "meet her emotional needs". She is currently at her mother's house with the children while being mad at me for not getting her an anniversary card. 

My thought is why would she want a completely insincere charade if I don't feel that way?



> As others have pointed out, you finding it humorous that you were delusional before taking steps to get medical treatment for an infection is very worrisome.


It's funny in a kind of sad way. I don't seek to avoid death but it just hasn't happened yet.



> Do you say “sorry” a lot?


Never, but I do say "pardon me" a lot even when the fault lies with the other person. I go to a lot of trouble to make sure I never get in anybody's way, etc. If I can't stay out of the way I usually will leave the scene entirely, there have been times when a grocery store was so crowded I just left and went home so I wouldn't block anybody from getting to the Campbell's soup, haha.



Andy1001 said:


> You may as well have left the womb and went straight to the grave with this attitude.


When I was born the doctor only gave me six weeks to live. Obviously he was wrong but I think about that so often. 

I could have missed out on a lot of pointless treading water waiting to die, I'll tell you that right now.


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

I'd say most of them were attractive. some of the hottest were the worst in bed though and coolio had a great song....some of the best ***** I had came from ugly *****es...lol


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

How do you determine who is "worst in bed" and who is "best *****"?


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

refractory time is good indicator, when you pull a muscle is good , how hard of orgasm etc....

best ***** is usually the meatiest, IMO. the perfect looking ones aren't always the best.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Randy Lafever said:


> How do you determine who is "worst in bed" and who is "best *****"?


If you need to ask.........


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> If you need to ask.........


Well see, it must be like food. I don't really know what makes food good and bad. There are some foods I enjoy more, true, but I eat whatever is put in front of me. My wife appreciates that, and my mother did before her.

And yet, I hear people talk about relative goodness or badness of food all the time. I have heard men discuss steak for almost an hour, as if it were better than, say, meatloaf. Or a bowl of Cheerios. I don't really know what they are looking at when making that judgement.

All sex is pretty much the same. A series of tempos until the big finish.

Though I guess those instances where there is no finish at all might qualify as "bad" now that I think about it.


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> Well see, it must be like food. I don't really know what makes food good and bad. There are some foods I enjoy more, true, but I eat whatever is put in front of me. My wife appreciates that, and my mother did before her.
> 
> And yet, I hear people talk about relative goodness or badness of food all the time. I have heard men discuss steak for almost an hour, as if it were better than, say, meatloaf. Or a bowl of Cheerios. I don't really know what they are looking at when making that judgement.
> 
> ...


to be fair, usually it takes quite a few partners to know whats great, as like you said a lot is the same. then there's that 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 you always remember. I think it's chemistry as much as anything else.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

I mean, I could alter the tempos, maybe the precise "angle of entry", but there's not a lot of variables involved. I have had sex probably 30-35 times by this point (#bragbrag) and feel like my SOP can achieve the result within the time frame desired.


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

not a lot of variables???????

you need to go find a 40 yr old that will put a hurtin on you.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

I don't believe my wife would find that appropriate.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Randy Lafever said:


> I mean, I could alter the tempos, maybe the precise "angle of entry", but there's not a lot of variables involved. I have had sex probably 30-35 times by this point (#bragbrag) and feel like my SOP can achieve the result within the time frame desired.


When you say you have had sex 30-35 times what exactly do you mean.😳😳😳


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> When you say you have had sex 30-35 times what exactly do you mean.😳😳😳


Rough estimate. Been married for four years, so probably about 20 times with her, then 1-2 times with the other 8 partners.

If you are asking what "sex" means, it means intercourse.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Randy Lafever said:


> Rough estimate. Been married for four years, so probably about 20 times with her, then 1-2 times with the other 8 partners.
> 
> If you are asking what "sex" means, it means intercourse.


I too have had sex 30-35 times with my girlfriend.
In the last three weeks.
Is it cold under the bridge?


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> I too have had sex 30-35 times with my girlfriend.
> In the last three weeks.
> Is it cold under the bridge?


Do you and your girlfriend have any children?


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> Rough estimate. Been married for four years, so probably about 20 times with her, then 1-2 times with the other 8 partners.
> 
> If you are asking what "sex" means, it means intercourse.


you must really suck at it.

pick up a book, hell pick up 10 books on sex.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> Most of this seems like mumbo jumbo... except marrying someone you do not find attractive.
> That seems sad. .


Yes, it's especially sad for the unknowing guy who is the groom. Only, he doesn't know it on his wedding day, this only comes out through time.

That's when he figures out that "love, honor, and cherish" actually means that he has a good job making good money, is not morally-bankrupt, is honest and reliable....and that his wife, who threw herself at him did so for THOSE reasons, because the other 51 other schmos she phucked were drug/alcohol addicts, beat the $hit out of them, were already paying (or not) child support to other baby mamas, and would haul a$$ at the first sign of any kind of difficulty.

Those 51 other derelicts put her panties in a knot ..... but not her husband....but, it will be "ok" as long as she gets snockered once a month, and gives him a little "duty" sex.....that will keep her getting what she wanted from him.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Proverbs21:19 said:


> you must really suck at it.
> 
> pick up a book, hell pick up 10 books on sex.


Considering I have been responsible for three pregnancies in 30-35 tries, I would hardly say that I "suck at it".


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Randy Lafever said:


> Do you and your girlfriend have any children?


Yes we have a daughter and she has a son from a previous relationship.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Yes we have a daughter and she has a son from a previous relationship.


How in the world do you have any energy for such activities let alone time? We have two children and the absolute last thing I want to do once we get them to sleep at night is to spend the next hour in physical exertion. I want to go in a dark room and not interact with anybody for any reason.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Randy Lafever said:


> How in the world do you have any energy for such activities let alone time? We have two children and the absolute last thing I want to do once we get them to sleep at night is to spend the next hour in physical exertion. I want to go in a dark room and not interact with anybody for any reason.


My girlfriend is a beautiful,kind hearted woman with a killer ass and legs that go on forever.
The idea of not making love with her whenever the opportunity arises just doesn’t compute with me.
I genuinely don’t understand why you would prefer to be alone in a dark room rather than with your wife.Do you even like her?
I feel so sorry for her.She is married to someone who only wants to have sex five times a year,that is virtually a sexless marriage.

Have you ever had your testosterone levels checked.Also you seem to have a very low energy level,maybe some blood work is in order.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Randy Lafever said:


> How in the world do you have any energy for such activities let alone time? We have two children and the absolute last thing I want to do once we get them to sleep at night is to spend the next hour in physical exertion. I want to go in a dark room and not interact with anybody for any reason.


We have 2 children, now teen agers. We always have had a very active sex life. "Getting" them to sleep was not something we allowed to be a huge challenge for very long. I will get many angry rants about the evils of "sleep training" one's kids, but it worked for us and our kids. Humans need sleep. They go to bed. When they were not asleep, we found that there were plenty of rooms in the house which they did not occupy.

Five times a year aimed solely at pregnancy would not be the sex life for me. I do sort of think your judgments are a bit off due to some pretty strange view points.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> Considering I have been responsible for three pregnancies in 30-35 tries, I would hardly say that I "suck at it".


Oh grasshopper. 

One does not have to be a skilled lover to impregnate a women. All it takes is for your swimmers to work, and to manage to get them to the right place. There are teenage boys who get women pregnant on their first time - its not because they are good at sexually pleasing a woman. 

My husband and I had sex 30-35 times in the first month after we met - and now over a decade and a half later we still do not have kids (by choice). I can assure you our lack of children has nothing my husband's wonderful skills.



Randy Lafever said:


> Well see, it must be like food. I don't really know what makes food good and bad. There are some foods I enjoy more, true, but I eat whatever is put in front of me. My wife appreciates that, and my mother did before her.
> 
> And yet, I hear people talk about relative goodness or badness of food all the time. I have heard men discuss steak for almost an hour, as if it were better than, say, meatloaf. Or a bowl of Cheerios. I don't really know what they are looking at when making that judgement.
> 
> All sex is pretty much the same. A series of tempos until the big finish.


*mind blown* Well - with an attitude like this, its no surprise that your life has been largely devoid of sex. 

THERE IS SO MUCH MORE to good sex than just humping. No wonder your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. 

You're eating a stale McDonald's cheese burger, while other people are enjoying decadent, lavishly prepared gourmet meals. 

But you do not understand the difference between a perfectly prepared steak, and a can of Alpo. Sex is just sex..... 

Me? I love sex, food, the indulgent things in life. I study them, I practice and perfect my craft. I try new and exotic things, even if I think I may not like it - because I often get surprised when I do. 

Sex and food is a perfect analogy. Some are happy to eat the same ol' bowl of cheerios, day in and day out. Others enjoy the finer things. 

I am really into cooking - and I can tell you, its a disappointment to serve someone who is indifferent, or doesn't understand the work that went into preparing a stellar meal. Might as well just give them Cheerios, whats the difference right?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Randy Lafever said:


> But why? I think you are maybe missing the point. They were physically unattractive, true. But you can easily have sex with them all the same. You get the same enjoyment out of it. And while I look fondly back on the one attractive one, in the moment it wasn't any different from the rest.
> 
> So why turn them down? Why deny myself a few moments of enjoyment in this brutal life?
> 
> I can only play the hand dealt me. Those are the women that pursued me. If I were to pursue women, I would choose different ones. But that isn't how it works.


No, I'm not missing the point. But you sure are. So life happens to you. You aren't an active participant, you are merely a victim. After all life is so "brutal." Why contribute more to the misery of this world, right?

Since life just happens to you, and you expend all your effort in assuring you won't be responsible for the crap that happens, I can deduce you prefer to remain the quintessential victim.

Yes, to reiterate, I am missing your point. And I'm GLAD that I am ....


----------



## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> I genuinely don’t understand why you would prefer to be alone in a dark room rather than with your wife.Do you even like her?
> I feel so sorry for her.She is married to someone who only wants to have sex five times a year,that is virtually a sexless marriage.


First, I would prefer to be alone in a dark room to any activity you can possibly imagine. I "genuinely don't understand" why others don't feel the same way.

Do I even like her? Well, familiarity breeds contempt, as they say. I don't really think it is possible to "like" somebody that you live with. If she were a co-worker, I would rarely speak to her because we would have nothing in common. As it stands, we talk about the children and generic things like the weather.

I never said I want to have sex five times a year. I don't "want" to have sex at all. Remember: I never initiate any sort of interaction with her or anybody else. The number of times we have sex is dependent upon her. I get into bed, she starts touching my genitals, and that's how it happens.



> Have you ever had your testosterone levels checked.Also you seem to have a very low energy level,maybe some blood work is in order.


Are those things free? Otherwise, not an option.



NobodySpecial said:


> We have 2 children, now teen agers. We always have had a very active sex life. "Getting" them to sleep was not something we allowed to be a huge challenge for very long. I will get many angry rants about the evils of "sleep training" one's kids, but it worked for us and our kids. Humans need sleep. They go to bed.


Nobody said anything about sleep training. I mean like getting their teeth brushed and stuff like that. Once they are asleep, that is the first time in fourteen hours either one of us is able to relax at all. Why would we want to waste our relaxation time on another chore?

Of course, the youngest one sleeps in a crib in our room, so any intimacy we have has to be absolutely silent. Our bed frame is pretty old and squeaks. Enough said.



> When they were not asleep, we found that there were plenty of rooms in the house which they did not occupy.


Well then you are fortunate to be rich.



> Five times a year aimed solely at pregnancy would not be the sex life for me. I do sort of think your judgments are a bit off due to some pretty strange view points.


Who said it was aimed solely at pregnancy? While procreation is the reason sex exists, I believe that people have biological needs for it that can be satisfied from time to time, as necessary.

I'm just saying, I have like a ten percent impregnation rate, I doubt anybody can call that subpar.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Randy Lafever said:


> First, I would prefer to be alone in a dark room to any activity you can possibly imagine. I "genuinely don't understand" why others don't feel the same way.
> 
> Do I even like her? Well, familiarity breeds contempt, as they say. I don't really think it is possible to "like" somebody that you live with. If she were a co-worker, I would rarely speak to her because we would have nothing in common. As it stands, we talk about the children and generic things like the weather.
> 
> ...


Sigh. I am sorry. Good luck to you.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TJW said:


> Yes, it's especially sad for the unknowing guy who is the groom. Only, he doesn't know it on his wedding day, this only comes out through time.
> 
> That's when he figures out that "love, honor, and cherish" actually means that he has a good job making good money, is not morally-bankrupt, is honest and reliable....and that his wife, who threw herself at him did so for THOSE reasons, because the other 51 other schmos she phucked were drug/alcohol addicts, beat the $hit out of them, were already paying (or not) child support to other baby mamas, and would haul a$$ at the first sign of any kind of difficulty.
> 
> Those 51 other derelicts put her panties in a knot ..... but not her husband....but, it will be "ok" as long as she gets snockered once a month, and gives him a little "duty" sex.....that will keep her getting what she wanted from him.


You really hate women don't you. I hope you're single.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

I shouldnthave said:


> THERE IS SO MUCH MORE to good sex than just humping. No wonder your wife doesn't want to have sex with you.
> 
> You're eating a stale McDonald's cheese burger, while other people are enjoying decadent, lavishly prepared gourmet meals.
> 
> ...


I am not indifferent, I always compliment the meal when it tastes good. Sometimes my wife burns the biscuits, or leaves out an important ingredient. In that case I always eat it all, but I don't say anything negative (or positive) about it.

Sometimes it is all I can do to choke down what is placed in front of me without letting her know, but in the four years we've been married I have never left food on my plate. Surely that makes her feel appreciated.



Prodigal said:


> No, I'm not missing the point. But you sure are. So life happens to you. You aren't an active participant, you are merely a victim. After all life is so "brutal." Why contribute more to the misery of this world, right?
> 
> Since life just happens to you, and you expend all your effort in assuring you won't be responsible for the crap that happens, I can deduce you prefer to remain the quintessential victim.
> 
> Yes, to reiterate, I am missing your point. And I'm GLAD that I am ....


Define "victim". I don't think it fits with my definition.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Randy Lafever said:


> Define "victim". I don't think it fits with my definition.


Nope. Not in the mood to debate this crap. And crap it is. Signing out. Best of luck.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I've been mulling this over, and the people I have been with were all attractive to me when I was with them. That doesn't necessarily mean they were objectively attractive. It also doesn't mean I find them attractive NOW. One man in particular seemed incredibly awesomely attractive when I was with him....till I found out he'd been cheating so long with a second girlfriend I wasn't sure if I was the OW or she was. Boy, he got ugly fast


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> Sometimes it is all I can do to choke down what is placed in front of me without letting her know, but in the four years we've been married I have never left food on my plate. Surely that makes her feel appreciated.
> .


For me, naw, it wouldn't. If I went to lengths to prepare something really special, but the person eating it didn't know the difference between a run of the mill dinner, and this lavish thing I prepared - I wouldn't feel like they "appreciated it" -because they literally can not appreciate the difference. 

Its like wasting a very fine bottle of wine on someone who is perfectly happy drinking wine straight from the box. 

And again... same with sex. If all sex is humping at various tempos... thats not the kind of sex I am interested in at all. Life is too short to drink swill, I rather have something exquisite to enjoy.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

TJW said:


> Yes, it's especially sad for the unknowing guy who is the groom.


Perhaps in the OP's case, the bride.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

I shouldnthave said:


> For me, naw, it wouldn't. If I went to lengths to prepare something really special, but the person eating it didn't know the difference between a run of the mill dinner, and this lavish thing I prepared - I wouldn't feel like they "appreciated it" -because they literally can not appreciate the difference.


I wouldn't call anything my wife does "lavish". Most of it is just opening cans and boxes and heating stuff up. Occasionally she will put some sauce on some meat and put it in the oven.

Once she made some homemade fried chicken that was pretty good.



> Its like wasting a very fine bottle of wine on someone who is perfectly happy drinking wine straight from the box.


There isn't any positive feeling towards a person for not being that "high maintenance" person that needs fancy things?



> And again... same with sex. If all sex is humping at various tempos... thats not the kind of sex I am interested in at all.* Life is too short* to drink swill, I rather have something exquisite to enjoy.


Life is incredibly long, as you age you will appreciate that.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> I wouldn't call anything my wife does "lavish". Most of it is just opening cans and boxes and heating stuff up. Occasionally she will put some sauce on some meat and put it in the oven.
> 
> Once she made some homemade fried chicken that was pretty good.
> 
> ...


This is NOT my business and you are under zero obligation to answer. But you have mentioned mental illness. What exactly is your disorder? I do not ask that to deride - I have a child with a disorder. Just to try to gain understanding.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> This is NOT my business and you are under zero obligation to answer. But you have mentioned mental illness. What exactly is your disorder? I do not ask that to deride - I have a child with a disorder. Just to try to gain understanding.


It's called "Avoidant Personality Disorder". https://psychcentral.com/disorders/avoidant-personality-disorder/


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> I wouldn't call anything my wife does "lavish". Most of it is just opening cans and boxes and heating stuff up. Occasionally she will put some sauce on some meat and put it in the oven.
> 
> There isn't any positive feeling towards a person for not being that "high maintenance" person that needs fancy things?
> 
> Life is incredibly long, as you age you will appreciate that.


When the topic is sex, I am high maintenance I suppose. I do want the "fancy" things - like a man who is a skilled lover, understands the importance of communication, inhibition and mutual respect and enjoyment. A man who can appreciate my attentiveness and skills in pleasing him. 

Yes life is long, all the more reason not to settle, but to pursue the things you desire. 

You have been married for 4 short years... and are telling me about "life being long"? I have been with my partner for nearly 17 - and we still manage to have a fresh, exciting, active, and mutually pleasurable sex life. 

You know the saying time flies when you are having fun?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> It's called "Avoidant Personality Disorder". https://psychcentral.com/disorders/avoidant-personality-disorder/


Thank you for answering my nosy question. It helps me understanding where you are coming from.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

I shouldnthave said:


> When the topic is sex, I am high maintenance I suppose. I do want the "fancy" things - like a man who is a skilled lover, understands the importance of communication, inhibition and mutual respect and enjoyment. A man who can appreciate my attentiveness and skills in pleasing him.
> 
> Yes life is long, all the more reason not to settle, but to pursue the things you desire.
> 
> ...


"Fun" is one of those things you grow out of. I suppose you just haven't yet. Certainly a positive for you.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> "Fun" is one of those things you grow out of. I suppose you just haven't yet. Certainly a positive for you.


Are you my ex mother in law lol??

Just kidding, but that was how she felt about sex - the silly phase that you grow out of.

It, along with my ex in law's other quirks, explained a lot about my ex husband. No wonder he had no clue and didn't think he needed one.

Not comparing you to him, the "grow out of " phrase just sparked my memory.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Also you seem to have a very low energy level,maybe some blood work is in order.


Hmm, now that I think about it, since the wife and children left on Saturday night, I skipped work yesterday and spent nineteen hours in my chair on the Internet, followed by today, so far ten hours in my chair on the Internet.

Now, I did use the bathroom and refill my water bottle several times. But other than that, nothing.

When they are gone, this is literally all I can do. Can't shower, usually eat very little. I am allowed to do as I please, and I do, by doing as little as humanly possible.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> "Fun" is one of those things you grow out of. I suppose you just haven't yet. Certainly a positive for you.


NO WAY!!!! 

My parents are in their 70's - they have SO MUCH FUN. Between my dad and his race car, my mom and her show horse, the road trips, and vacations they take. The fun they have with their grand kids...

And I shutter to think, but I am pretty sure they have "fun" in that way too - you can see it in the way they look at each other, the way they kiss, they way they laugh- and enjoy each other so much. 

One never gets too old for fun. You are painting a picture of a pretty dismal existence, I am glad it is not a view point I share.



Randy Lafever said:


> Can't shower, usually eat very little. I am allowed to do as I please, and I do, by doing as little as humanly possible.


This sounds like a life suitable for a house plant.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Are you my ex mother in law lol??
> 
> Just kidding, but that was how she felt about sex - the silly phase that you grow out of.
> 
> ...


Yeah I mean once you get out of childbearing age, it's pretty frivolous. I hope my wife begins to draw back her appetite once she realizes we aren't having any more kids.

We shall see. Might not even make it that far, she is pretty mad at me it seems, haha.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

I shouldnthave said:


> One never gets too old for fun. You are painting a picture of a pretty dismal existence, I am glad it is not a view point I share.


I was about eight when I decided fun was for children and I wanted to act more grown. In the 25 years since, I have avoided fun to the extent that I no longer even remember clearly how it feels. 

But what I do know is that nobody can accuse me of being unserious or immature.



> This sounds like a life suitable for a house plant.


Or a human being who knows there is no physical activity that is worth the effort. I mean, what do you really get out of doing stuff? Going to work, you get money out of that. Otherwise, what?


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> Or a human being who knows there is no physical activity that is worth the effort. I mean, what do you really get out of doing stuff? Going to work, you get money out of that. Otherwise, what?


JOY. But it appears you gave up on joy decades ago. What is the point of money if you can't enjoy it? 

Physical activity is needed for physical and mental health. Our bodies were designed to move, movement is needed for health. It causes your body to release beneficial hormones. Creates positive mood, simulates brain function, increases intelligence and physical well being. 

Inactivity is a killer. Creates depression, hardens arteries, slows brain function, reduces intelligence, reduces libido. 

Are these the life lessons you are teaching your children? That it is better to waste away in a chair, all energy sapped away by apathy, staring at a screen rather than experience all that life has to offer?


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

I shouldnthave said:


> JOY. But it appears you gave up on joy decades ago. What is the point of money if you can't enjoy it?


It provides a roof over my kids' heads and food for them to eat, for one thing. I may not care for living myself, but now that they exist I have a responsibility to take care of them. I would hardly say I "enjoy" cutting my rent check every month.



> Are these the life lessons you are teaching your children? That it is better to waste away in a chair, all energy sapped away by apathy, staring at a screen rather than experience all that life has to offer?


I am not allowed to do this when they are home. Neither they or my wife know that I spend up to 20 hours a day in a chair when they are gone. I pretend to be a normal person when around others. 

It gets a bit exhausting to pretend all the time, wouldn't you imagine?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm more interested in how people behave than in how they look. That applies to erotic material as wel.

I"m sorry about the feelings you suggest in your last comment. For me, many women are attractive, I live in a world full of attractive women, each in their own way. 




Randy Lafever said:


> So what do you do for porn? Is that why a lot of them have like ten minutes of the cameraman talking to the woman beforehand?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> You really hate women don't you. I hope you're single.


Using data from this website:
https://www.reference.com/world-view/many-women-world-a8e6facca00d95b6

There were 3,710,295,643 women in the world.

I don't hate 3,710,295,642 of them. I would not hate 3,710,295,641 of them, but one woman I hate is not currently in the world.

Since all these women exist (and one more is added to the world about every second) I only hate 1.89 x 10-7 percent of them (even if I "throw in" the one who is not currently in the world), thereby biasing this calculation to my detriment;

As the number of women is astronomical, and the portion of them I hate is infinitesimal, I think I can make my case that I don't "hate women".


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

TJW said:


> As the number of women is astronomical, and the portion of them I hate is infinitesimal, I think I can make my case that I don't "hate women".


So you simply allow your hate for one woman to color your view of women. Surely your post was about that one particular woman, and has nothing to do with women as a whole right?


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

uhtred said:


> I'm more interested in how people behave than in how they look. That applies to erotic material as well.


Same here! There has to be a base line for me, decently healthy body (obesity is a turn off for me), good hygiene and grooming.... Beyond that? It's his brain that I find super sexy.

I like the term sapiosexual, I can really identify with it.

So to the OPs original question, I have never had sex with someone I didn't find attractive. Sure, maybe he didn't have the most conventionally attractive face, or was physically quite plain - but if he has a sexy mind, and knows how to engage mine? H O T.

A devious, sexy, confident man, one who knows how to walk the walk, and talk the talk - I find sexier than some hard body young blood any day.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Randy Lafever, is part of the reason you settle for plain or low effort food and low effort activities related to a low or modest income?

I know when I listen to people doing what I consider expensive activities, I have to re think some things such their income and my income. Then there is me not willing to go into debt or even feeling comfortable with an unpaid credit card balance.

My point is maybe people with more disposable/discretionary income do more and people on a tight budget buy and do more of the basic things. I had a friend that grew up in a foreign country. He was amazed that people got new things so often and threw out very usable items. In the old country, people barely had money for the basics and sometimes did without necessities.

Anyway, income is a determining factor in what people do and what they like.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Handy said:


> Randy Lafever, is part of the reason you settle for plain or low effort food and low effort activities related to a low or modest income?
> 
> I know when I listen to people doing what I consider expensive activities, I have to re think some things such their income and my income. Then there is me not willing to go into debt or even feeling comfortable with an unpaid credit card balance.
> 
> ...


You are correct,when it comes to attracting women,having money is a big plus.
I asked this question on another thread about a year ago and despite getting some of the usual sanctimonious bs from some of the more rabid female tammers not one of them gave me a straight answer.
The question was for women.
Say two guys approach you in a nightclub, one of them had arrived in a Ferrari,the other on a bicycle.The Ferrari driver has a penthouse apt and the other guy lives in his moms basement.They are both fairly even looks wise and personality wise.You are feeling horny and both invite you back to their place.
Realistically which of them are you leaving with.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Andy, a family member married a doctor recently. I hear what they do for recreation and the dinners they have and invite friends. I am thinking, slow down, don't burn through that much money with the fancy menu and wine-craft beers. I also found out how much debt they have and the new house they mad an offer on.

If Randy's income is much lower than his friends, or even people on TAM, coupled with his avoidance tenancies, I can understand some of his inactive.. OTH, there are things/activities that people do that don't cost a lot of money. I ride my bike several days a week, go to a fast food joint for a cup of coffee and meet with other people my age. I spend less than $2 or $3 on average. We are all retired so we have the time. I see that income influences what people do or don't do with their spare time. 

Andy, as far as the bike VS fancy car, well that depends of the man's charm too. Money and status helps when it comes to romance but there has to be the ability to meet on a personal level. And there is something called "chemistry" which isn't always logical.

Randy, your question about physical attraction and sexual partners. I am an outlier in some ways. I wouldn't have sex with a woman unless she was qualified to be a good wife and mother to potential 4 kids. Good looks and wife/mothering skills don't always come in the same package. Like you in some ways, I don't make much of an effort to get what I want if there is a hint of over imposing on the other person. I do ask/suggest for what I want but the other party has to be onboard or I just go my own way. I tried the asking but the other person wasn't into it, so it wasn't worth the effort to continue while they sort of faked it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Handy said:


> If Randy's income is much lower than his friends, or even people on TAM, coupled with his avoidance tenancies, I can understand some of his inactive.. OTH, there are things/activities that people do that don't cost a lot of money. I ride my bike several days a week, go to a fast food joint for a cup of coffee and meet with other people my age. I spend less than $2 or $3 on average. We are all retired so we have the time. I see that income influences what people do or don't do with their spare time.


Enthusiastic and joyful sex with his wife would be _free_. And, yet, he's not doing that either. 

I'm thinking it's not so much the financial aspect of things as it is the OP's general outlook on life, likely fueled by his mental health disorder, that is fostering his inactivity and profound disengagement.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

The Ferrari versus the bicycle wouldn't make a difference to me. However, when you added mom's basement it did make a difference. 1st, I don't want to have sex in someone's mom's basement. 2nd, the guy who lives in mom's basement is probably part of those men's sites that make me want to vomit. He probably has a Corey Wayne book on his shelf. No, I'm not having sex with that lol


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Handy said:


> Randy Lafever, is part of the reason you settle for plain or low effort food and low effort activities related to a low or modest income?
> 
> I know when I listen to people doing what I consider expensive activities, I have to re think some things such their income and my income. Then there is me not willing to go into debt or even feeling comfortable with an unpaid credit card balance.
> 
> ...


Good theory, but my low income is because I can't do anything, not the other way around.

I support my family of four on $1200 a month because I have no marketable skills or ability to develop new ones. Additionally, any attempt on my part to get a "better" job might result in rejection, so I don't ever attempt it. For example, I have been invited to interview for several jobs that would be much better than my current one, both in pay and working conditions (I load heavy sporting goods equipment into trucks ten hours a day - there isn't a moment of my life my back isn't killing me). But if I perceive I will not be the only person interviewing for the job, I don't show up, I refuse to compete with somebody else for a job, there's no way I would ever stack up.

Once, my wife's aunt somehow got me an interview for a job as a project coordinator making $59,000 a year!?!?!? The interview went well, I thought, got to speak with the CEO and he seemed pretty enthusiastic. But when they asked me to email them my references, I sat in front of my computer for six hours trying to figure out how to word the very brief blurb in the email, something to the effect of "as requested, here are my references". Could never word it satisfactorily that I wouldn't sound like an idiot, so I just gave up, and didn't return any of their calls/emails asking for me to follow up. 

But let's face it, I was never going to get that job anyway. I sometimes make a good first impression but people always realize after a few days that I am acting - playing a part - and that the real me is not worth anything. My wife is now realizing that, I wish she had been a better judge of character before she decided to have two kids with me.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Steam so my next question is why doesn't your wife get a job? I understand if someone is married to a heart surgeon why they would stay home. But if your income is painfully low, then your wife needs to step up and get a job to if money is a problem. I don't understand women who insist on staying home when it harms the rest of the family because they can't pay their bills. I don't admire women like that period


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Steam so my next question is why doesn't your wife get a job? I understand if someone is married to a heart surgeon why they would stay home. But if your income is painfully low, then your wife needs to step up and get a job to if money is a problem. I don't understand women who insist on staying home when it harms the rest of the family because they can't pay their bills. I don't admire women like that period


Initially she did have a job while I was in college. I was 21 hours away from my bachelors degree when she came home from work one day and announced she had quit because her boss had said "something mean" to her, and now she was a stay at home mom.

I took on a second job to make up for the loss in income. Two jobs, plus full time student, plus dad is not a combination I would suggest anybody try. I was getting about two hours of sleep a night and failed all of my classes that semester. Because of that, even if I ever want to resume my college studies, I am now ineligible for financial aid. 

For four years I have been trying to save tuition money but having kids really makes it hard to save anything. After rent, utilities, and gas, there is virtually nothing left of the 1200 bucks a month.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> I wouldn't call anything my wife does "lavish". Most of it is just opening cans and boxes and heating stuff up. Occasionally she will put some sauce on some meat and put it in the oven.
> 
> Once she made some homemade fried chicken that was pretty good.
> 
> ...


Positive and encouraging feedback on what's good / what isny6may be called for. Couched properly it shouldn't create any discord.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Positive and encouraging feedback on what's good / what isny6may be called for. Couched properly it shouldn't create any discord.


Right but that would involve me stating a preference. I don't do preferences. Preferences imply that what I want matters, and that is not a psychological barrier I can overcome in my own mind, let alone impose it on somebody else.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Randy Lafever said:


> I was about eight when I decided fun was for children and I wanted to act more grown. In the 25 years since, I have avoided fun to the extent that I no longer even remember clearly how it feels.
> 
> But what I do know is that nobody can accuse me of being unserious or immature.
> 
> ...


This is well beyond depression and by no means healthy or "mature". I am sorry for you. What IS the point of ANYTHING at this point?


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> This is well beyond depression and by no means healthy or "mature". I am sorry for you. What IS the point of ANYTHING at this point?


Life is one long period of treading water, waiting to die. Every day I think about how I was supposed to die as a baby and wish it had happened.

To be honest I don't feel sadness or regret when I hear somebody has died. I simulate it for social reasons, but inside I can't feel bad that a person is no longer trapped in this life.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If you're handicapped in some way, there may be more financial aid recourses. Just a thought. It may or may not apply.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If you're handicapped in some way, there may be more financial aid recourses. Just a thought. It may or may not apply.


Well here's the problem. Even if I did go back to college, there is no reason to think I could pass the classes, and even if I did earn the degree, who would hire me? And even if they did, I could never be successful in any sort of professional-type job, I'd just be bouncing around from job to job as they quickly realized what a mistake they had made.

Now just imagine you have voices in your head screaming this sort of stuff 24 hours a day, about every aspect of life, down to things like shaving or tying your shoes.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I shouldnthave said:


> So you simply allow your hate for one woman to color your view of women. Surely your post was about that one particular woman, and has nothing to do with women as a whole right?


It was about 2 specific women. It had nothing to do with women as a whole, and my view of women as a whole is not colored by it whatsoever.

I am also cognizant that men can adopt a similarly self-centered attitude set with regard to their marriages. But men, as a whole, do not.

The statements I made refer to my own experience related to "Physically Attractive Sexual Partners", the subject of the thread.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

We are all going to be dead for a long long time, so no need to rush it. Might as well make what we can of life for the very brief time that we have. 

While you have life you have hope. Don't be the person in the nursing home who is miserable about all the things that they never did, but which its now too late to do. 

You may be stuck in a rut where you don't see a way out, or you may be clinically depressed. Neither of those are good, and both can be helped. 






Randy Lafever said:


> Life is one long period of treading water, waiting to die. Every day I think about how I was supposed to die as a baby and wish it had happened.
> 
> To be honest I don't feel sadness or regret when I hear somebody has died. I simulate it for social reasons, but inside I can't feel bad that a person is no longer trapped in this life.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If you're handicapped in some way, there may be more financial aid recourses. Just a thought. It may or may not apply.


I wonder if, since your income is low, you could also be eligible for some type of disability. Might be worth looking into to ease some of the financial stress. Financial stress will wig me out more than any other type of stress. I think it is because in my previous marriage my ex lost jobs left and right, had no motivation, and the power and other things got cut off randomly.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

I don't have financial stress, my income and my monthly needs dovetail almost perfectly.

However, my wife has recently begun complaining that we don't have the money to buy her a card for anniversary, toilet paper is carefully rationed, no purchasing new clothing etc. So the financial stress is hers, not mine.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Randy Lafever said:


> Life is one long period of treading water, waiting to die. Every day I think about how I was supposed to die as a baby and wish it had happened.
> 
> To be honest I don't feel sadness or regret when I hear somebody has died. I simulate it for social reasons, but inside I can't feel bad that a person is no longer trapped in this life.


That sounds extremely painful. Have you considered therapy?


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> That sounds extremely painful. Have you considered therapy?


Can't afford it. Even if I could, I doubt I could ever ask for help. Remember: asking for help implies that you think you deserve help at the expense of others' time and effort.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Randy Lafever said:


> Can't afford it. Even if I could, I doubt I could ever ask for help. Remember: asking for help implies that you think you deserve help at the expense of others' time and effort.


There was a very brief time in my life where my mind played this circular tape out, and it was horrible. I cannot imagine playing it out every day long term. I really do feel for you


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> There was a very brief time in my life where my mind played this circular tape out, and it was horrible. I cannot imagine playing it out every day long term. I really do feel for you


25 years and counting.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

But if you can break out of this loop, you can pay that back many times over. (not in money, but in making the world a better place)




Randy Lafever said:


> Can't afford it. Even if I could, I doubt I could ever ask for help. Remember: asking for help implies that you think you deserve help at the expense of others' time and effort.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Randy Lafever said:


> Can't afford it. Even if I could, I doubt I could ever ask for help. Remember: _asking for help implies that you think you deserve help at the expense of others' time and effort_.


That does not need to be true. Asking for help could be simply wanting to use your available healthy benefits if you have them, for example. You are not costing anyone any time or effort. They get paid to do this work, but they choose it because they want to. Professionalism prevents them from getting hurt.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Randy Lafever said:


> Well here's the problem. Even if I did go back to college, there is no reason to think I could pass the classes, and even if I did earn the degree, who would hire me? And even if they did, I could never be successful in any sort of professional-type job, I'd just be bouncing around from job to job as they quickly realized what a mistake they had made.
> 
> Now just imagine you have voices in your head screaming this sort of stuff 24 hours a day, about every aspect of life, down to things like shaving or tying your shoes.


I am curious about a few things. What do you do for work now? How did you get there? You must be participating in life to some degree. You got married, had kids... What do you get posting on here?


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> I am curious about a few things. What do you do for work now? How did you get there? You must be participating in life to some degree. You got married, had kids... What do you get posting on here?


I load heavy sporting goods equipment into trucks for ten hours a day. It is one of those minimum wage jobs where they pick an application out of a big pile, and as long as you don't royally screw up the interview you got the job.

What do you mean "what do _ get posting on here?"?_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Randy Lafever said:


> I load heavy sporting goods equipment into trucks for ten hours a day. It is one of those minimum wage jobs where they pick an application out of a big pile, and as long as you don't royally screw up the interview you got the job.
> 
> What do you mean "what do _ get posting on here?"?_


_

You avoid doing things, anything, that is effort. Yet posting and replying here requires effort. Why do you do it?_


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> You avoid doing things, anything, that is effort. Yet posting and replying here requires effort. Why do you do it?


I don't qualify typing as "effort". My wife took the kids to grandma's house, so I have been in my chair on the computer since Saturday night (well, I did go to the store on Monday to get a bag of Doritos). 

At some point, clicking "random article" on Wikipedia gets old and you have to do something else.


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