# Being an open book and what it means.



## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

Well like many dealing with a cheating spouse I took advise from others about my wife being an open book in order to fix my marriage. Sadly I thought I knew what people meant by "open book" but I didn't. I'm here to post what I assumed and what I now know in hopes it will help others.

I'm going to use the word assume a lot and we all know what it really means. Well in this case it was 100% true what they say about assuming.

I assumed that my wife needing to be an open book meant she had to give me free access to everything and while that is some what correct I didn't get the full meaning. I started checking her emails all the time. I would come home and check her cell phone and the home phone. I even found myself listening out the window when she would be in the back yard talking on the phone. I assumed I had ever right to know what she was doing and who she was talking to. I assumed if I didn't find anything I would begin to trust her again. Well I was right, to a point. I did start to trust her again but I took the open book thing to far. I started to drive her away from me because I was always watching what she was doing. While I assumed things were getting better she thought they were getting worse. I assumed I had ever right to do what I was doing because she cheated on me. I was wrong!

Now on to what I know. I know you can't have a marriage without trust. I know I can't keep my wife prisoner by locking her every movement down by checking up on her. I know it's not right to follow her foot steps around to see if she is cheating on me again. 

Being an open book means she can't hide anything. It doesn't mean I had every right to do what I did. 

With that said this is my advise so to speak. Without a doubt if you want to make it work you "need" to give your partner something you never would have thought. You need to trust them. Without it you are doomed. If you decided you want to make it work you need to trust her/him and she/he needs to be an open book. She/he needs to make her/him life transparent to you. What I mean by this is, if she/he goes some where she/he should tell you where she/he is going and an idea of when she/he will be home. It doesn't mean you should be calling her/him to find out or trying to track her/him down. If she/he gets off the phone you she/he should tell you who she/he was talking to, you shouldn't ask her/him or check the caller id. While this all sounds the same it is in fact very different. Being an open book means offering up information to build back the trust. Snooping because you think she/he doesn't have the right to privacy isn't going to save your marriage. It will more likely doom it.

After reading a ton on the subject the one thing that seem to help me the most came from my father-in-law when I talked to him about my wifes cheating. He said if I wanted to give her another chance I need to do just that. By saying you want to work it out you are saying I choose to trust that she wont do this again. But without trust the marriage is over and you are just buying time.

Now he didn't mean turn a blind eye but he did mean I needed to go all in or all out. You can't play it half way. I needed to give my wife trust and she needed to be open to me.

One last bit of information I have. Oddly enough I was watching VH1 and Rob Zombie was talking about making movies and he said something that is about as true as it gets. He said "Never have a plan B. Plan B is an excuse to fail. If there is no option but plan A then you have nothing to fall back on and MUST succeed." My wife and I have both taken this advise to heart. Neither of us are holding onto anything to fall back on. We are all in. We have no option but to succeed.

I hope this helps someone, sadly is was a painful lesson both my wife and I had to learn the hard way. 

Good luck everyone,
TCMS


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

I think you are spot on here. I am in the position of being on both sides of the issue at the moment and it's true. Constant checking up and snooping only makes things worse. It keeps you obsessing and prevents you from making better choices, such as trusting your partner. 

Thanks for posting this; I found it really helpful with where I am right now. And, congrats on getting back on the right track with your wife. The positive stories like this are always nice to read.


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## smgmtman (Jun 15, 2009)

The open book must be given freely by the cheater, also certain behaviors will have to go out the door. There will be no more men/girls nights out etc, parties without spouse.

The cheater has to be as clear as glass openly.

If not then the marriage will suffer.


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

Thank you for such wonderful words of wisdom. Although I was not the cheater, I too, am going to start practicing living as an open book. And I love the idea of not having a Plan B. I've been focusing on "what if it doesn't work out" or "what if I can't get over this." Your words helped give me a great attitude adjustment today and I can't thank you enough for sharing!


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

Smooth you just told my storie to the tee I have to say when the foundation of trust is broken the cheater must go out of their way to prove that they are faithfull I always have and always will beleive trust is earned not given freely nothing is free in this life my wife was doing things that were suspicious after her affair hiding her phone hiding duffel bags of clothes in the closet ect. not allowing me to see her E-Mail if the offender doesnt do their part in rebuilding the trust that is a bigger problem I see when trust is replaced with suspision it is almost impossible to trust them when someone does something wrong it is their responsibility to make it right you are right you dont want to be a hawk and drive them away but you dont want them to be cheating on you either so in wanting to know the truth we tend to be a little nosey but the offender should also know why we are being that way and have the patients and honesty to do what it takes to make the victim feel better about what they did my wife moved out then got back with the guy she cheated on me with so even if i would have trusted her, Her heart was still with the other man we can never know where a persons heart is


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## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

From my experience I think being an open book means being tranparent and its an opportunity to earn your spouse/partner's trust again.


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