# Affect on kids during R when they know about WS EA?



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Can anyone tell me what the affects are on children when they know that WS had an EA? Mine know about the EA she had with ex hs bf,tried talking to them but not really getting anywhere, they were very quiet but seem to be be little more talkative,12 yr old boy seems confused while 17yr old daughter habors resentment,the 17 yr old always has been very outspoken and more self centered than the rest of family,any advice on this would be very appreciated.They stayed with me after I kicked her out so they pretty much know everything
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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Every child responds differently . If you are in R then your wife and you should sit with your children and your wife should apologise to them for her behaviour and clearly state it was wrong . Together you both confirm you love each other and are willing to work on making a happy home. 

Your children will be watching you and your wife, the body language the words and the subtle way you respond to each other . Your children have seen the security and love of their family unit shattered. While you should work on bettering yourself have no doubt not only does your wife have to continiouly evidence her commitment to you and the marriage but show the children she is 100% back in the family with remorse for her actions.

Unfortunately your children will never forget however they will know right from wrong and if your marriage survives they to will recover. Memories are there forever , they may fade over time but they never go away.
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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Often it is suggested to take the children to IC, it works for some not for others. Key message is your consistant behaviour and your wife's commitment . They want to see actions and words before they start to heal. Children are very aware of what is happening often in more detail than parents realise.

Be there for your children , that is the most important form of support they desire.
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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

15 yr old boy doesn't know, 20 yr old daughter asked me to give her POS mother a second chance and keep her around, but understood if I threw mom out.
My now22 DD has her own mind and is strong willed, much like yours I suspect. but there is resentment between fWW and DD. My boy wasn't making it to school. but all in all they saw how unhealthy there parents lived and avoided the things that got me and there mom were we where back then. There good kids...unlike there drinken and fighten dad, and there cheaten mother. In this case the apple has fallen very far away from the tree. The apple may have not even fallen in my families case!LOL

I have no freaking idea what my DD thinks now, 2 years ago she wrote me the letter in which she made those statements I mentioned above, but we haven't talked about her mother in 2 yrs, 1 month.

I'm thinking the noises coming from my bed room are problematic for them but for the most part the kids see us in a happy marriage *now* and thats a good thing. Its good to have there mom home at night thats for sure.


At the end of the day though when my fWW was deep in the fog we all were effected. A time were the kids spent alot of time at there friends houses and I wore out the Lazyboy watching football.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

21 y/o DD knows about problems -- but loves both of us, also knows how my fWH can be. Is behind my decision either way. We are in early R talks...

Best thing for them to see is that you move from limbo to a solid R or D. They need to see that you can overcome and restore a marriage, but if that fails then --- to see you part, heal and thrive.

"Talking" only goes so far with kids of any age.....That they see you being strong and healthy speaks volumes. As long as you fought for the integrity of your marriage and aren't being walked all over by the fWS. Don't ever let them see that.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

LWC,

I agree, the best is making a plan working the plan, the last thing is to give our kids an uncurtianty in whats going on.
I also agree that action speak louder then words. Talk is cheap so telling a kid you support them is one thing but taking the step to do it is were its at. 

As the kids *watched* their mom, it was me that did the things that needed to be done. Whats odd is when the kids *watched* their dad (me) way back when, it was mom that was their for them.

Its odd in my case, out of a 22 year marriage (13 of them filled with abuse (me) and infidelity (her)) I have some damb good kids. Go figure!

LWC, The last statement in your post is so strong, and it can be misunderstood as "staying for the kids" when in some cases its better to "leave for the kids".


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

My situation is a bit different...I'm a former cheater.

My 21 year old son was told about my affair by his dad at dday. He held the stance that he did not want to get involved in our relationship, that it was our business. It seemed a bit odd coming from him, he's not always mature, a good kid, but very much 21. I know he was affected, and it hurt me a great deal. During the course of our R , he witnessed or heard his dad yelling at me, it was pretty intense. At the end before we separated he heard me yelling as well. My relationship with him is very good, we've always been very open about things that bothered each other while respecting our boundaries. I apologized to him for my affair, he was very forgiving, he kept saying "don't worry about it", and I had to continue on to let him know that what I did was unacceptable as a parent, as a wife. I didn't want him to think that he could do that to his future wife and think that it would be fine.

During our false R, my son drank a lot, smoked a lot of pot. I was really worried about him, but I was focused on my relationship, and it was hard. I have to say, since H moved out 5 weeks ago, my son seems a bit better, not drinking or doing dope as much. Maybe he was escaping the craziness. He's also getting along better with his dad, and they actually had dinner together last week. This never happened, they fought constantly, sometimes almost getting into a fist fight. I was the mediator.

Sometimes it's better for everyone if the parents separate, at least in my case.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

wt, 
That was freaking the most honest thing I read from a WW....thank you for sharing.

Sometime staying for the kids is not the way to go!

God knows everbody will want to jump your sh!t for doing what you did, but at the end of the day "teach our children well" no matter what mistakes we made.

On a side note, I can only pray my boy doesn't do what his father did or what my fWW did. 

It just sucks having that in a marriage!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

SO glad I never had kids.


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