# Not sure if I should read into this or not....



## Shelly29

so my ex walked out on me 7 months ago beginning of Oct and our divorce was finalized March 21st. We were married 7 yrs and honestly got along soooo well. Never really fought, and were each otheres best friends. Well he gave me no reason at all as to why he was leaving, he could justify anything, just saying it was a feeling he had.

Well with no real understanding or closure its been hell for me but everyday gets a little better. The other day I had to ask him about our divorce papers via email and he said that he hopes one day we can be friends again and that we can sit down and talk about all this. Said he misses me and how we were each others best friends and he find himself wanting to tell me whats been going on in his life now...Im not sure how to take that...he said he is still trying to figure out why so that he can give me the closure i deserve. How would you take this? I dont think i can see him in person, im still hurting because i was blind sided and never in a million yrs thought I would NOT be with him and reading that email just made be cry because i miss him so much...not sure how to handle this...... thoughts?


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## 827Aug

That is strange. Was he seeing someone else? Got into something which he should not have? I know my husband was living a double life for several years. He eventually chose that other life over what we had together.


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## Jellybeans

He is def up to something. Maybe it was/is an affair and/or he got into trouble and did some dirt. Either way, it doesn't sound good.

I am very sorry you find yourself in this position. It's very traumatic. I hope he can tell you what happened soon that you can get the closure you deserve. Hugs.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

Shelly29 said:


> so my ex walked out on me 7 months ago beginning of Oct and our divorce was finalized March 21st. We were married 7 yrs and honestly got along soooo well. Never really fought, and were each otheres best friends. Well he gave me no reason at all as to why he was leaving, he could justify anything, just saying it was a feeling he had.
> 
> Well with no real understanding or closure its been hell for me but everyday gets a little better. The other day I had to ask him about our divorce papers via email and he said that he hopes one day we can be friends again and that we can sit down and talk about all this. Said he misses me and how we were each others best friends and he find himself wanting to tell me whats been going on in his life now...Im not sure how to take that...he said he is still trying to figure out why so that he can give me the closure i deserve. How would you take this? I dont think i can see him in person, im still hurting because i was blind sided and never in a million yrs thought I would NOT be with him and reading that email just made be cry because i miss him so much...not sure how to handle this...... thoughts?


it does seem a bit strange to me.
isnt it a little late for 'the talk'?
shouldnt he have done that long before the separation if he was so worried about it?
maybe he is testing the waters for a little fwb from you?


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## Jellybeans

Do you even know where he is now?


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## Shelly29

Yes, I am living in Denver and he moved to Boulder so we are 15 minutes away from each other but I never go out there. From day one he seemed very confused about it but ademant that he just had a feeling and that we shouldnt be together and he didnt want to be married. He has always wanted to remain friends but i dont think he realizes how hard that is to do when you love someone and one day they just walk out of your life with no reason...how do you really deal with that and get over it.

He swore up and down that there was no affair and he would never have doe that too me. but i dont know if there was something emotional with someone else via text or at work you know? He just kept saying he has had these feeling in him for a while about not wantig ot be married but never got the courage to tell me to my face and try and figure this out....


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## Niceguy13

Could also BPD (bordeline personality disorder) They self sabotage themselfs constantly due to low self esteem they think they do not deserve to be happy thereby they become unhappy then trigger said unhappiness to those around them. Does he have a history of blocking those close to him out of his life. 

I am saying from going close and open to someone to keeping them at arm's length if not ten foot pole length. Obviously he did it to you I am wondering about the other people in his life though.


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## Runs like Dog

Bigamy is my guess.


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## sisters359

Bigamy, maybe he is gay, maybe he had a gf,(more likely maybe he's borderline or narcissitic)--"just a feeling" is a really crappy explanation. You may never get more than that, however, and you probably will NOT benefit from "being friends." If there are no children involved, tell him to keep the F*CK away from you b/c you don't want to be his friend--and mean it. Honestly, he's trying to assuage his guilt at YOUR expense. He has not had the balls to give you the truth ("a feeling" is bulls*it--what is he, the Oracle from Delphi?), and he thinks he can keep you from finding out if he plays the friend card. Such cowardice. 

Please see that behind all his "sincerity" is nothing but a desire to hide the truth from you and protect his image of himself. He is not the man you thought he was and that you want to believe he is. There is probably a lot you actually don't know about him, and he's made sure to keep it that way. 

So, let him know you've decided that he is a coward; he's hiding the truth; you think the truth is 1. an affair; 2., he's gay; 3. he is married to someone else; 4. he does not find you attractive; 5) he's whacko. Let him know that nothing else makes sense and you are aware his "feeling" is just bulls*it to hide something he doesn't want you to know and you think he is a worthless piece of crap and he needs to keep away from you and from contacting you or you will get a restraining order. 

If he's actually a good guy, he'll say, "Ok, you're right; I lied. Here's what I didn't want you to know. . ." *you have about a 1% chance of getting that answer.

If he is the poseur his words make him out to be, he'll go all solemn and hurt and say something like, "Well, if that is how you want to think of me. . ." Say YES, it is, now go to H*LL. Be angry--because you should be. He's used you and hidden stuff from you. You were blindsided b/c he made sure YOU DIDN'T GET TO SEE THE TRUTH. If for no other reason than to puncture holes in this facade of himself he's trying to maintain, do NOT say anything reassuring to him or let him off the hook. Repeat, as needed, that he's a fake and a liar and you now realize it. Be sure to send an email requesting no further contact--not even 3rd party contact--so when he violates it, you can get the R.O.

And then--bc he wants you to think he is still oh, so wonderful--he'll contact you again. Get the R.O. Nothing will get him as much as knowing he cannot persuade you that he is really mister wonderful and it's sad, blah, blah, blah, that the two of you can't be together. 

When it gets to the point of the R.O., maybe you will finally realize that it really IS all about him and he was 'way more messed up than you knew, and you'll be thanking your lucky stars you got off with nothing worse than a temporarily broken heart. You'll wonder how you could have been so blind, but don't be hard on yourself. Narcissists want the world to admire them, so he manipulated you. You'll just be better prepared to see the manipulation in the future.


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## Atholk

Was he ever on any medication around the time all this happened?

I know of cases where people went on SSRIs, fell out of love with their spouse, divorced them, came off the meds and then the love feelings came back.


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## Shelly29

sisters359 said:


> Bigamy, maybe he is gay, maybe he had a gf,(more likely maybe he's borderline or narcissitic)--"just a feeling" is a really crappy explanation. You may never get more than that, however, and you probably will NOT benefit from "being friends." If there are no children involved, tell him to keep the F*CK away from you b/c you don't want to be his friend--and mean it. Honestly, he's trying to assuage his guilt at YOUR expense. He has not had the balls to give you the truth ("a feeling" is bulls*it--what is he, the Oracle from Delphi?), and he thinks he can keep you from finding out if he plays the friend card. Such cowardice.
> 
> Please see that behind all his "sincerity" is nothing but a desire to hide the truth from you and protect his image of himself. He is not the man you thought he was and that you want to believe he is. There is probably a lot you actually don't know about him, and he's made sure to keep it that way.
> 
> So, let him know you've decided that he is a coward; he's hiding the truth; you think the truth is 1. an affair; 2., he's gay; 3. he is married to someone else; 4. he does not find you attractive; 5) he's whacko. Let him know that nothing else makes sense and you are aware his "feeling" is just bulls*it to hide something he doesn't want you to know and you think he is a worthless piece of crap and he needs to keep away from you and from contacting you or you will get a restraining order.
> 
> If he's actually a good guy, he'll say, "Ok, you're right; I lied. Here's what I didn't want you to know. . ." *you have about a 1% chance of getting that answer.
> 
> If he is the poseur his words make him out to be, he'll go all solemn and hurt and say something like, "Well, if that is how you want to think of me. . ." Say YES, it is, now go to H*LL. Be angry--because you should be. He's used you and hidden stuff from you. You were blindsided b/c he made sure YOU DIDN'T GET TO SEE THE TRUTH. If for no other reason than to puncture holes in this facade of himself he's trying to maintain, do NOT say anything reassuring to him or let him off the hook. Repeat, as needed, that he's a fake and a liar and you now realize it. Be sure to send an email requesting no further contact--not even 3rd party contact--so when he violates it, you can get the R.O.
> 
> And then--bc he wants you to think he is still oh, so wonderful--he'll contact you again. Get the R.O. Nothing will get him as much as knowing he cannot persuade you that he is really mister wonderful and it's sad, blah, blah, blah, that the two of you can't be together.
> 
> When it gets to the point of the R.O., maybe you will finally realize that it really IS all about him and he was 'way more messed up than you knew, and you'll be thanking your lucky stars you got off with nothing worse than a temporarily broken heart. You'll wonder how you could have been so blind, but don't be hard on yourself. Narcissists want the world to admire them, so he manipulated you. You'll just be better prepared to see the manipulation in the future.


I totally love how u are thinking, and ALL my friends think that wy too... and Im on that boat, but **** its hard when you have loved someone for a long time and you never once thought this would happen to you... 


I read my Tarot cards this week and it seriously pin pointed everything I am going through right now. It told me I will be getting closure this week and that I will find out things that will hurt but they need to be told in order for me to move on... so I think this is my time to stick i to him, tell him he can' tbe my friend... he cant have hi cake and eat it too... he cant have a girlfriend now, **** around, party like he is 21... sleep with everyone and then still expect to be friends with me...


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## Shelly29

Atholk said:


> Was he ever on any medication around the time all this happened?
> 
> I know of cases where people went on SSRIs, fell out of love with their spouse, divorced them, came off the meds and then the love feelings came back.


No medication, although he is a VET and I think he might have always had a mild case of PTSD and its might just have gotten worse, but he wont admit he has a depression problem....


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## Atholk

If you must open a way to seeing him...

Tell him the only way you will see him is in counseling. That he is paying for. The counselor needs to be the one calling you to set the appointment. Otherwise he is not to contact you. The offer expires in one month.


Though I think him divorcing you is about the clearest message you will get.

I'm so sorry.


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## Shelly29

Atholk said:


> If you must open a way to seeing him...
> 
> Tell him the only way you will see him is in counseling. That he is paying for. The counselor needs to be the one calling you to set the appointment. Otherwise he is not to contact you. The offer expires in one month.
> 
> 
> Though I think him divorcing you is about the clearest message you will get.
> 
> I'm so sorry.


I do NOT need o see him, we have no kids together, just married 8 yrs.... I kknow i can't be friends with him because for me its like not letting my wound heal....I dont understand his reasoning for wanting to still be friends one day and I plan on askig him that via email this week... and then telling him for me that is not an option...i cannt heal, process and move on if he is still llingering in my mind and pulling at m heart.


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## Shelly29

last night i found out he is seeing someone...someone that i swear looks identical to me and I have had several of my girfriends say that too.... i guess he has been posting all these party pictures of himself and her on his facebook pg bragging, all h does is party and so one of my girlfriends said she woudl show me, jus so i knwo the truth finally of what he is doing now. Killed me. I saw all these pictures... and i was really embarrassed for his actions, like just a person I have never known....it was sad to see but also killing me to see him out and about partying with this amazingly super hot chick and showing it off on his pg. UGH!!! I cried myself to sleep, because she has him on her pg and on her profile picture which also killled me! 

THis def gives me my fuel to tell him to back the eff off...leave me alone and that he cant have his crazy party life with all these hot chicks, and still expcet me to be his friend too. Its not fair to me!!!


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## Jellybeans

The truth always reveals itself. Sorry you had to find out via the internet. The affair was probably happening a lot longer than you thing. She is no prize either if she had no problems hooking up with a married man and playing a part in the destruction of his marriage. He is a man of no honor.

It takes a real coward to just up and leave his wife and not even say why. He didn't even respect you enough to give you the reason.

Him reaching out to contact you to me says that the guilt is ewaring on him, n matter how small. Or he at least hasx a little bit of regret in thinking and realizing now he didn't even explain himself to you. 

I would not have anymore contact with him if I were you. He doesn't deserve one minute of your time. If you do feel you need the closure, you could talk to him, listen to what he has to say and tell him you know all about his affair and now it all makes sense to you. Then never speak to him again.

Ugh.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore

Sorry you are having to go through all of this. Been there, done that! After 13 yrs and a wonderful son later, I really didn’t know the person I was married to. You feel betrayed and also humiliated. The emotional roller coaster of anger and sadness takes a while to stop.

I have a friend who has been in a career for 24 yrs where he has seen the worst sides of people at times. While still trying to recover from the emotional pain caused from my ex-husband’s choices, this friend offered some consoling words to me ……… “Sometimes when an individual is not happy, they can behave in a very undesirable way. It doesn’t make them a bad person, just a person who made bad choices.”

As like me, you probably did not marry a horrible, terrible man. Somewhere along the line he become unhappy and chose selfish ways to find happiness. Because of those choices, he and I will never be the friends we once were. Unlike you, I must deal with my Ex on a regular basis because of our son. It is because of our son that I truly do hope he finds happiness in his life. It has been three years since our married came to a crashing end. Which was a shocking surprise to so many people. I am still working on finding the happiness part myself. You cannot change his behavior or choices nor blame and punish yourself for them. Just knowing that you would never cause anyone else (or their families) the kind of pain he has to you, already makes you a better person who deserves someone better.


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## 52flower

It's difficult to understand how insensitive some people can be to the hurt they create for others. My ex also wants to "be friends" (or maybe more). Although it still hurts, I'm glad you are standing up for your feelings & for you as a person worthy of respect. I'm working at this ... I wish I could be on the accelerated program but it appears I'm destined on track to be in the slow recovery lane.


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## Shelly29

Thank you for the positive words of encouragment everyone... sometimes knowing you aren't alone im how you feel or want to act helps alot.

Today i put my foot down, told him i knew eerythign that he has been up to, wh he is with, how he is acting and the shady people he is hanigng out with and i told him he couldnt have his cake (sleeping around and having girlfriends) and eat it too...being friends with me again. I told him we will never be friends...i dont trust him and never will because he led me to believe something for 2 yrs! I dont know the man he is now at all. He has done a complete 180 and everyone can tell

I thanked him for 8 wonderful years of life, for making me who i am today, for helping me realize who i want to be and what i need and dont need in life and that was it. He barely said 5 sentences the whole time so that was my closure to this chapter in life....


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## notreadytoquit

Good for you! You go girl


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## Jellybeans

Shelly, what did he say to you when you said that to him? When you told him you knew? Did he apologize at all?

He sounds like such a coward.

Sounds like you handled it very well.


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## LonelyNLost

Yeah, he hid the truth and is feeling guilty.

Why do they say they hope we can still be friends? That's like your dog dying and your mom telling you that you can keep it!


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## Jellybeans

^ Because if they hear you tell them it's ok for you to be friends with them, it eases their guilt. It makes them think: See, what I did wasn't so bad and I didn't hurt her/him THAT much if they are still willing to be friends w/ them.


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## Shelly29

Jellybeans, He said 3 sentences to me the whole time, AND didnt even comment on the part where I told him I knew....at the end all he said was... I'm sorry Shell, I will leave you alone then.

Today a girlfriend of mine said that he posted on his status that he was telling everyone to stop telling him crap about me and to stop telling me stuff about him... he said...we are divorced and there is lot syou don't know/... ( i laughed because apparently i didnt get that memo either about what really happened) making it seem like oh woe to him. 

Its like, people don't get that defensive and angry about something unless they are being threatened and called out on the truth. Sorry you get to find out that I know it all...know what you have been doing...if its ont he internet and you post stuff, well of course people will know and talk duh!


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## notreadytoquit

what a ding dong! Trust me Shelly it will be so much easier for you to start fresh. Thank God there were no kids involved. Just read my story few posts below yours(my life as a single mother) and you will see how much more difficult it is because you have to stay in contact with a moron like that. You will make someone really happy one day and there will be someone who appreciates you for who you are.


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## Shelly29

THanks "notreadytoquit" we all deserve someone who will love us as much a we love them, who puts us first like we do them and whom we can laugh and lean on when times are tough.


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## Jellybeans

Shelly29 said:


> Today a girlfriend of mine said that he posted on his status that he was telling everyone to stop telling him crap about me and to stop telling me stuff about him... he said...we are divorced and there is lot syou don't know/... ( i laughed because apparently i didnt get that memo either about what really happened) making it seem like oh woe to him.
> 
> Its like, people don't get that defensive and angry about something unless they are being threatened and called out on the truth. Sorry you get to find out that I know it all...know what you have been doing...if its ont he internet and you post stuff, well of course people will know and talk duh!


EXACTLY!!!! Look at him trying to backtrack and acting all offended. Guilt is a motherf-cker. He acn't take the heat now. Sounds like he wanted to get some closure from you but when you told him you knew he chose the pvssy way out saying "Ok I will leave you alone then." LAME! Instead of just owning it he retreated like a little ****roach sprayed in acid, wounded. It's almost funny. :rofl:



notreadytoquit said:


> what a ding dong!


Yep! :iagree:

Shelly I know he hurt you immensely but guess what...him and his new broad will prob have a lot of trust issues and guilt. AND he did you a favor. You get to find osmeone now who will be true and not take the coward's way out by leaving and filing a D stat and not even telling you the reason why. TOTAL D*UCHEBAG! 

You're better off!


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## Shelly29

Jellybeans said:


> EXACTLY!!!! Look at him trying to backtrack and acting all offended. Guilt is a motherf-cker. He acn't take the heat now. Sounds like he wanted to get some closure from you but when you told him you knew he chose the pvssy way out saying "Ok I will leave you alone then." LAME! Instead of just owning it he retreated like a little ****roach sprayed in acid, wounded. It's almost funny. :rofl:
> 
> *LMAO.... Love it!!!!*
> 
> Yep! :iagree:
> 
> Shelly I know he hurt you immensely but guess what...him and his new broad will prob have a lot of trust issues and guilt. AND he did you a favor. You get to find osmeone now who will be true and not take the coward's way out by leaving and filing a D stat and not even telling you the reason why. TOTAL D*UCHEBAG!
> 
> You're better off!


*THanks, slowly but surely I will realize this and be happy it happened now....*


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## Jellybeans

Omg I just realized what I posted to you before.... TAM blocked out the word c-ckroack LOL the c-ck part. LOL!

Yeah Shelly, you are well to be rid of him. He is an immature little boy. Much happiness to you!


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