# What kind of person does it take.....



## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Ok, so this is probably more of a vent but anyone who would like to chime in, feel free.

WS's AP had several OM. Of course, around dDay WS could hardly believe she was that ****ty (come on, idiot!!). Turns out she engages in a lot of victim behavior by painting her significant other as a monster to engage these idiot married men to save her so she has a place to go (usually a step up financially). Then whoever becomes the new guy at home is the one she's then cheating on, looking for her next step up the financial ladder. 

She painted her BS (ex fiance') as emotionally abusive, withholding financially, etc. Even though she drives a high end car she surely can't afford on her own (she only makes about 25K, cost of living alone is expensive where we are at). That's just one example of how ludicrous her lies were; her BS is STILL paying for that car for her even though she's living with another guy and has been since Thanksgiving! 

Number one, where do people even get these ideas to use others financially and cheat with anyone willing? I mean seriously, I don't remember that option being taught in home economics!! "So
here is how you fill out a job application, here is how you write a cover letter, and so on." Then, "here is how you find someone with means you pretend to care about while going on the prowl for the next male/female with even more money while devastating others' relationships in the process." Guess I must have been in a different home ec class - thankfully. 

Also, she wasn't alone in this. How can some people, like my WS, be such an idiot and believe her rather transparent lies?!? Is the fog that powerful and was she really THAT alluring? I know what she looks like; not ugly (on the outside) but seriously, she was no 10. She also isn't very bright intellectually speaking (although dumb like a fox when it comes to men).

I just don't get how these people live with themselves, I really don't. Especially since the AP in my sitch went onto breaking up someone else's relationship and she is now, from all reports, expecting with her newest live-in. 

I guess if they can lie to others they have no problem lying to themselves either. What a waste.....


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Maybe bedroom technique, and a willingness to be a "wild thang"? Powerful stuff,if only temporary. But must engage with someone that is like-minded - or very, very curious.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

TryingToRecover said:


> Also, she wasn't alone in this. How can some people, like my WS, be such an idiot and believe her rather transparent lies?!? Is the fog that powerful and *was she really THAT alluring? I know what she looks like; not ugly (on the outside) but seriously, she was no 10. She also isn't very bright intellectually speaking (although dumb like a fox when it comes to men)*.
> 
> I just don't get how these people live with themselves, I really don't. Especially since the AP in my sitch went onto breaking up someone else's relationship and she is now, from all reports, expecting with her newest live-in.
> 
> I guess if they can lie to others they have no problem lying to themselves either. What a waste.....


She's smart in the subjects that interest her.

Affairs are rarely about sex. If your husband was just interested in sex, he would have saw right through her.

My guess, without knowing a single thing about your story other than what you posted here, is that this other woman was very good at building up her targets.

As you said, she came on like the victim who needed help. When she got that help, my guess is that she fell all over herself praising your husband, how noble he is, how honorable, how courageous, how generous, how successful, how handsome, how hot, how sexy, how great in bed. Makes him feel like he can do no wrong. Meanwhile, he comes home to you and, with you, he doesn't feel like he can do no wrong. With you, there's talk of what chores need to be done, who's going to do it, what bills need to be paid - in other words, real life. As your husband would have found out if he had started living with the other woman, those compliments probably would have stopped and real life would have taken over.

That's how a lot of affairs start - unrealistic building up of the cheater's ego.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

walkonmars; said:


> Maybe bedroom technique, and a willingness to be a "wild thang"? Powerful stuff,if only temporary. But must engage with someone that is like-minded - or very, very curious.


I definitely considered that but even back then WS would not have been able to truthfully say our sex life wasn't active or lacking in technique. Now if he was looking for wild _with_ some strange the whole 'wild thang' would make more sense. Especially in terms of us being married 20+ years. Not an excuse but definitely an explanation.

I guess I have a hard time grasping what a cold person she is (things she did to her now ex and others while laughing it all off) and the idiot lies she told my WS and other guys to get them hooked. She seems to like inciting the white knight thing with 
men. 

Once she has a new one duped into being her main SO, she moves on like a predator to find the next guy(s) with more means to cheat with. Except this last go around she ended up 
with a guy who barely has a dime to his name....she lives with him plus his roommates in a smallish apartment. She says this is "proof" she isn't a gold digger. I say all it's proof of is she couldn't lock down any of the other men she was pursuing, this guy won because she needed a place to live (kicked out) and he was the last one standing. This guy is no better than she, he also cheated on his GF to be with this skank.

The ironic/funny part was that she blamed me (his crazy b*tch
of a wife) for outing her to her now ex. She told me if I had kept my mouth shut that HER life wouldn't be a wreck and she wouldn't have been almost homeless. I told her if she learned how to keep her legs shut her life wouldn't be such a train wreck. 

Amazing how glaring the lack of responsibility some take for their own pitiful lives.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

TryingToRecover said:


> Ok, so this is probably more of a vent but anyone who would like to chime in, feel free.
> 
> WS's AP had several OM. Of course, around dDay WS could hardly believe she was that ****ty (come on, idiot!!). Turns out she engages in a lot of victim behavior by painting her significant other as a monster to engage these idiot married men to save her so she has a place to go (usually a step up financially). Then whoever becomes the new guy at home is the one she's then cheating on, looking for her next step up the financial ladder.
> 
> ...


Not everybody gets a traditional school education and also not everyone wants to play by the rules even if they have one. The sort of life that you lead that is considered wholesome is only one small slice of everyday life that goes on in the great big world. A VERY small slice. So if you like it and enjoy it, do the best to protect it, because what you got is where it's at. But don't expect people to play by the rules that you play by, because even though you and I agree that they are the rules that benefit society, society has come along quite well enough with all the rule-breakers on board as well as the straight and narrow-ers. The thing is, people think differently and what you think is logical and the life you lead both physically and cognitively is completely foreign to others...minds are not created equal. There are probably more differences in thinking and beliefs among humans than there are similarities, despite the biochemical setup for thinking being more or less the same.

As they say, it's a jungle out there, and a jungle is all about diversity, a lot of it strange and unusual to people who come from a homogenous society. I bet if you grew up in a town where there was a red light district and a black market and all sorts of profiteering and so forth, you would find this OW's behavior very run of the mill. It's all relative. She is simply out of her environment or very good at camoflauge. But she is who she is and does not experience what she's doing as getting away with anything...

As the experts on the subject matter have proved, it takes two to lie, it is a collaborative effort. A person at some level agrees to be lied to.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

I grew up in and still live in a large city/major metropolitan area, I'm familiar with all you mentioned. She had a traditional school education in a small, rural town of less than 10,000. If anything, my upbringing was less traditional than hers but I wouldn't say either of us grew up right alongside any red light district; she definitely did not. The only thing more "traditional" about my life is I am educated and took strides to make sure I can support myself, while she isn't/can't at this point in her life. 

*As a side note, no offense to those who choose to depend on their spouse/SO financially, stay-at-home parents, etc. The OW in my situation purposely goes after those with more financial means than she has for her own gain/to pay her bills.

I get the gist of what you're saying but I don't think the OW is worldly by any means. I think she just wants what others have but would rather take it from someone else than work for it on her own or in conjunction with a spouse who is rightly hers. That would be too "hard" for her.....she doesn't like working. She's pregnant with her current BF's baby and she told a coworker she plans to quit not long before giving birth, plans to go on welfare. No wedding planned, presumably because marriage would mess up her access to state benefits. My guess anyway. 

Personally, nothing worldly or wholesome about it.....I think she's nothing short of being a hooker, given her history.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Will_Kane; said:


> She's smart in the subjects that interest her.
> 
> Affairs are rarely about sex. If your husband was just interested in sex, he would have saw right through her.
> 
> ...


Yep, definitely.....this definitely is all a good description of what went down with the 'A'.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Very astute observations and infrences. 

Now, why do you suppose your huband strayed? Was this gold-digger (or her ilk) the only one who could have enticed your man out of your bed and into hers?


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

walkonmars; said:


> Very astute observations and infrences.
> 
> Now, why do you suppose your huband strayed? Was this gold-digger (or her ilk) the only one who could have enticed your man out of your bed and into hers?


Our marriage was not perfect by any means, we had/have our problems, and she was there, it was the right environment for it, and she purposely set out to find someone who was willing to take her on. WS also has self-esteem issues which I believe made him susceptible to the attention she paid him. Not to make him sound less at fault because it is certainly half his fault. There were a myriad of other choices he could have made to deal with his issues, along with our marital issues. He instead chose to "deal" with things via cheating, attention from another woman.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

To your BS, I could say, it is simply physical.
To the OW, is it not a type of prostitution?

Sorry if that sounds harsh.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

AngryandUsed; said:


> To your BS, I could say, it is simply physical.
> To the OW, is it not a type of prostitution?
> 
> Sorry if that sounds harsh.


Harsh? Doesn't sound harsh from my perspective unless I am misreading your post? I do believe the OW is engaged in a type of prostitution vis-a-vis her chosen lifestyle.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

TryingToRecover said:


> Harsh? Doesn't sound harsh from my perspective unless I am misreading your post? I do believe the OW is engaged in a type of prostitution vis-a-vis her chosen lifestyle.


If you were believing something else and not prepared for this one, I wanted to say sorry.

By the way, how do you cope now? Are you taking adequate care?


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

AngryandUsed; said:


> If you were believing something else and not prepared for this one, I wanted to say sorry.
> 
> By the way, how do you cope now? Are you taking adequate care?


I'm coping fairly well although I have bad days, as to be expected. DDay was only last September so it hasn't been too long. I try to get enough exercise and rest, still going to IC but not as often. Trying to keep my anxiety levels down and for the past month or so it has gotten easier. WS's OW is a coworker but her job was moved to a new location about 20 miles from where WS still works. 

Although I still monitor things/snoop there hasn't been any electronic communication between the two of them since last fall. She is also pregnant and wrapped up with her BF/baby's father and thus far has not shown any lingering interest in my WS. From
what I understand she has dropped all the OM she was "dating" as her current BF (once one of her OM) has a hot temper and was jailed for 4th degree assault against one of her other xOM last Thanksgiving Day. The OW has also been in legal/criminal trouble as well, since that time.

The reason for bringing up the OW's activities is to say I'm glad she is otherwise preoccupied with her current life and drama and 
staying NC with WS, as he told her to do last fall. She was initially upset but seemed to move on fast. The fact she is staying away, from what I can see and have been told, has helped with my state of mind quite a bit. I have chronic issues with anxiety, since long before the 'A,' and don't need that to get worse. Although I do keep in mind her attention could veer back again or vice versa. It's up to WS if he chooses to pursue that and if he did, the only option is divorce.

We also bought and just moved into a house that I can afford on my income alone. We are in the process of selling the home we were living in until a couple weeks ago - it is not a home I could 
afford by myself. The less expensive home was a stipulation of R'ing and so far WS has followed through with all the R'ing stips and then some. The house situation definitely makes me feel more at ease.

Long story short, things are going as well as they could be given the situation. However, as everyone here knows, it's a long road.

Sorry for the length.....kinda rambled.....


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Are you sure you are not rugsweeping your H's affair?

Take care, TtR.


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