# Are you more attentive in dating someone the second time around after divorce?



## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

Now that I'm divorced, I find myself being more attentive to the women I go on dates with and maybe over thinking things a litter more to not make the same mistake again. I'll give some examples and where my thought process goes below.

1. Saw someone that's very gym dedicated, which is great, but her schedule is waking up at 4am to go before work and goes to bed at 8pm; so she can wake up early. 

MY MIND GOES THINKING - I'm also a gym person but not a die hard gym person because I like to balance my life with other things I enjoy, but she was very much into it; which is fine. I just feel like this would cause issues long term due to not spending enough quality time together because of her dedication to the gym more than the relationship. And me thinking, maybe a relationship will work before for her if she met a guy that's just as die hard into the gym.

2. Another woman I saw, didn't drink at all-ever; again fine if that's what her life is about.

MY MIND GOES THINKING - I enjoy being a social drinker and based on previous relationships I've had I've always had fun drinking with the women I've been with. It makes for a more relaxing, fun, sometimes unpredictable nights; so when I hear right off the get go that someone doesn't ever drink at all, it just makes it seem that it's going to be more of boring relationship. I'm not saying she has to be an alcoholic but to be so cut and dry all the time seems kind of bland.

3. Another woman I saw, didn't like watching any TV shows, movies, etc. and I enjoy these things very much.

MY MIND GOES THINKING - In past relationships, we never watched all the same types of TV shows/movies but we would overlap on some and she would watch mine and I would watch hers. But when I hear someone say that they don't find them at all interesting and wouldn't waste time with them; it's just another aspect of my relationship that I wish I could share with my partner to spend more quality time with.

I know these are some basic examples, but my thought process lately has been trying to find someone that shares more common interests, similar lifestyle, family values as me. So when I'm seeing someone and they are so "rigid" in their thinking; "I never drink", "I don't like watching TV at all", "the gym is my number 1 priority", etc. and not someone who is more "flexible" in their thinking, it scares me long term on how we will communicate on important life issues.

I don't know, maybe I'm over thinking things but lately I don't even want to bother going on more dates with these women after hearing how "rigid" they are over things like this when I'm very "flexible" to an extent.


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## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

*Re: Test*

I got it to post now.


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## bikermehound (Mar 24, 2017)

i just think you need to get laid your so pent up you cant think straight

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I agree.......you have met 3 women who are not for you! You exhibit great wisdom, grasshopper........ NEXT!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You may be overthinking here.You should be looking for some fun,not considering every woman you meet as a possible long term relationship.
Or is it a case of once bitten........


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> I agree.......you have met 3 women who are not for you! You exhibit great wisdom, grasshopper........ NEXT!


*Sad to say, but the vast number of women out there are not going to be your type! 

It's finding that exacting handful of them who's out there who are!*


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Sad to say, but the vast number of women out there are not going to be your type!
> 
> It's finding that exacting handful of them who's out there who are!*


Remember Arb if you are looking for a woman in a million there are around thirty of them in Texas.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> *Remember Arb, if you are looking for a woman in a million, there are around thirty of them in Texas.*


*And I've met them all! So I think that I've reached the end of the line!

And by the way, please rest assured that one of those 30 is a verifiable skank!*


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Arb:


I bet you know every word to the "All my ex's live in Texas" song.

Texas is packed with nice women.....surely there is one out there for you. Just need to weed them out!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

DennisG1: 

The best bet for success is to pick the right one from the start ! It might take quite a few to find the one. I don't know your back story but some times it can help to "check yourself".

Good Hunting .....


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I would like to point out that being a non-drinker does not equal boring. I rarely drink because of my job, drinking is an absolute no go Monday thru Friday as well as most Saturdays because I’m on call but I am by no means a boring person in a social setting. Non drinkers love to laugh and have fun too! Actually being the non drinker is great in that I get to observe all the shenanigans of the drinkers and love to see the personalities change as the alcohol sets in. So unless she’s a natural stick in the mud I wouldn’t automatically write off all non drinkers.


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## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

bikermehound said:


> i just think you need to get laid your so pent up you cant think straight
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


Lol. Getting laid isn't the problem, had some fun already; so I guess now got to the point of looking for something more meaningful.



Not said:


> I would like to point out that being a non-drinker does not equal boring. I rarely drink because of my job, drinking is an absolute no go Monday thru Friday as well as most Saturdays because I’m on call but I am by no means a boring person in a social setting. Non drinkers love to laugh and have fun too! Actually being the non drinker is great in that I get to observe all the shenanigans of the drinkers and love to see the personalities change as the alcohol sets in. So unless she’s a natural stick in the mud I wouldn’t automatically write off all non drinkers.


Yeah, I agree with you; maybe I thought this in this specific case because she was a non-drinker and did not have a fun personality in a social setting.



Andy1001 said:


> You may be overthinking here.You should be looking for some fun,not considering every woman you meet as a possible long term relationship. Or is it a case of once bitten........


Yeah, that's what I try doing when dating; just have fun with it, but based on recent experiences dating, I'll go out with them and we will have fun but then they want something serious whereas I'm still not at that point with them. 



Mr.Married said:


> DennisG1:
> 
> The best bet for success is to pick the right one from the start ! It might take quite a few to find the one. I don't know your back story but some times it can help to "check yourself".
> 
> Good Hunting .....


Yes, I guess this is where I'm at right now; I want to meet someone right from the start that I'm really into, shared interest/values, and we click because I feel it would make transitioning into a long term "healthy" relationship a lot easier versus dating someone I already have some doubts with at the very beginning.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I think your examples are brilliant. You are right on track in spotting these kinds of differences that are not going to work out for you. Basic compatibility is majorly important.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I don't think there's anything at all wrong with realizing quickly that someone you're on a date with wouldn't be a good long-term fit for you and the way you live, and want to live, your life. The things you describe are points of compatibility that really should be considered. The point is not to settle with someone you can stand, but to keep looking until you find someone you actually enjoy spending your time with. And that's going to mean finding someone you share compatibility with. 

I once stopped seeing a gentleman because I discovered that he was a very committed Crossfit-er whose life largely revolved around his gym time. I have no desire to ever be a serious gym person, so we were just basically incompatible in our lifestyles. I also stopped seeing a man because he was allergic to a host of foods and beverages. The idea that one of the things I love most to do with a partner - spend time cooking and exploring food and drink together - would never be part of our relationship, just didn't make me happy. We just wouldn't have been compatible in the long run. I even stopped seeing a man because he didn't enjoy reading. He was literate of course, but he didn't enjoy reading for pleasure and didn't see much value in reading as a pursuit. In fact, he considered reading for anything other than work or necessity, to be largely a waste of time. Which, again, just made our lifestyles incompatible. 

Eventually, I found a man who likes to be fit, but isn't obsessive about it, likes food and cooking and exploring them together, and who loves to read and is happy to spend some of our leisure time doing just that. I'm glad I didn't settle for someone who wouldn't have fit the type of lifestyle I enjoy having.

Now, if you're only looking to date casually or for short-term fun, basic lifestyle incompatibility is less important. But if you are looking to eventually find a long-term partner, then it only makes sense to evaluate how a date would fit into your life, or the life you want to have.


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## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

Rowan said:


> I don't think there's anything at all wrong with realizing quickly that someone you're on a date with wouldn't be a good long-term fit for you and the way you live, and want to live, your life. The things you describe are points of compatibility that really should be considered. The point is not to settle with someone you can stand, but to keep looking until you find someone you actually enjoy spending your time with. And that's going to mean finding someone you share compatibility with.
> 
> I once stopped seeing a gentleman because I discovered that he was a very committed Crossfit-er whose life largely revolved around his gym time. I have no desire to ever be a serious gym person, so we were just basically incompatible in our lifestyles. I also stopped seeing a man because he was allergic to a host of foods and beverages. The idea that one of the things I love most to do with a partner - spend time cooking and exploring food and drink together - would never be part of our relationship, just didn't make me happy. We just wouldn't have been compatible in the long run. I even stopped seeing a man because he didn't enjoy reading. He was literate of course, but he didn't enjoy reading for pleasure and didn't see much value in reading as a pursuit. In fact, he considered reading for anything other than work or necessity, to be largely a waste of time. Which, again, just made our lifestyles incompatible.
> 
> ...


You hit this perfectly with finding someone that is compatible with your own lifestyle. And I don't mind taking up interests that my other half would be into, as long as it's reciprocated, because I've been in relationships where I would do things that she liked because it would make us spend more time together but when it wasn't reciprocated back in the end it just made me build resentment towards her. 

I just find it tough meeting someone that I click with and shares a similar lifestyle. It makes me sometimes think about my ex-wife and how good we were in that department, but I have to keep reminding myself that even though we matched well in lifestyle she was still a cheating spouse that I could never be with.

Your point with the someone being "obsessive" about the gym is a perfect example, I like to be fit as well, but don't want to be with someone that is "obsessive" about it and can't even enjoy going out for some ice cream occasionally. Lol. I guess I'm looking for someone with "balance" in their lifestyle and someone that doesn't have an "all or nothing" type of mentality.

Yea, I agree for short-term fun; I don't read into compatibility much and as long as both of us are on the same page of keeping it fun and it being short-term then it does make for fun times.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Those 3 examples you gave, you have a normal thought process but I don’t think you should rule them out as possibles just knowing the information you know. 

I am divorced and single now. And my routine for myself NOW will not be the same as it will be when I get into a serious relationship. So I like to hit the gym and train for races because I have the time, but when I’m in a serious relationship that would be more if my priority. So don’t count people out at first thought I guess.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dennis, I think you are doing EXACTLY the right thing here. I don't think you are more attentive -- you are more aware. YOU SHOULD BE. Don't ignore all of these "little" incompatibilities -- they are NOT little in the long run.

Be patient. You will never find someone 100% matched, which is good because you can expand what you like, but those things are "extras" not basic compatibility. Those basic items you seem to be really aware of which will do nothing but good things for you in finding a LTR.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

dennisg1 said:


> Lol. Getting laid isn't the problem, had some fun already; so I guess now got to the point of looking for something more meaningful.
> 
> 
> Yeah, that's what I try doing when dating; just have fun with it, but based on recent experiences dating, I'll go out with them and we will have fun but then they want something serious whereas I'm still not at that point with them.


Sounds contradictory. 

If you are meeting people on dating sites you are going to see a snapshot of themselves. That snapshot is based upon their present, without you in their life. Just because they are committed to a gym now, doesn't mean they will continue in that vein after a longer period of dating you. People's priorities change when they are involved in a good relationship, as they should. But as a single, people do what they need to keep busy and be relatively happy. Don't make the mistake of trying to size someone up based upon their "present". While there certainly are some people you can assess up front as not being to your liking, most are going to require that you commit some time to the relationship to find your "equalization" point and whether you are good for each other.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You're smart to not continue to date people who would have to change something that is important to them, or something that is part of their core personality in order for you to be happy with them.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The thing with the gym and with fitness, most, over time give it up. Or cut back.
Ones's energy runs out, one's knees and shoulders give out.

They will cut back...
Especially, if they find themselves sharing their time with someone they love.

That said, other compatibles are very important.

Being 'mostly' compatible is the key to a happy relationship.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> Arb:
> 
> 
> I bet you know every word to the "All my ex's live in Texas" song.
> ...



https://youtu.be/Jk7uXaNuWNE


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> The thing with the gym and with fitness, most, over time give it up. Or cut back.
> Ones's energy runs out, one's knees and shoulders give out.
> 
> They will cut back...
> ...


Chances are, she might be into some guy with eight packs and so forth, or want a gym buddy, not a part-time gym buddy. Best to wait until she gives up the intensity, if she does, when you are not into it.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

dennisg1 said:


> Lol. Getting laid isn't the problem, had some fun already; so I guess now got to the point of looking for something more meaningful.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


To the first point in bold font, if you talked with them, they may somehow let you know they want a relationship and are looking, though, I think it may also be that you are being a man they could see themselves with long-term because of how you interact with them. 

To the second in bold font, when I think of the term someone that I am into from the start, for me, it is not about them being someone that is compatible in what they do or their interests. It is about some feeling I get that I cannot explain why I feel like I want them. It is a natural attraction to the woman. For me, that is important, however, I do not talk about it. I just feel it and then talk and interact to see if we are compatible. 

I do not date at the moment, but this is what I did years ago. It was only when I allowed those feelings to override common sense, that I failed... only twice to date. lol It really isn't funny, but no sense in worrying about the past more than necessary.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I was definitely far more sure of the sort of man I wanted second time round. This meant that my choice was severely limited, there aren't many serious Christians in the UK, especially available men in their 40's-50's. So it was a bit like looking for a needle in a haystack, but God is a miracle worker. 
I wrote a page and a half of the qualities I wanted in a future husband, after all God says be specific, and he fulfilled all of them. It did take 6 years mind you but he was well worth waiting for. 

Don't settle for second best is what I kept hearing in my mind. A woman in her mid to late 40's with three teenage/early adult children may not seem like much of a catch to many men, but its vital that we don't settle because we think no one else will want us with all our baggage. I had no fear of a man with baggage, as long as he was a forgiving person who didn't bear grudges or have bitterness, resentment or anger. 

The no drinking thing wouldn't be an issue at all, and people who don't drink are NOT boring. I wouldn't want to be with a man who drank too much or drank while driving. The TV, well I do watch a lot more TV than my husband. He didn't have a TV in his first marriage, but the difference isn't an issue.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Dennis, make a list of the important things you want in a woman and keep it tucked away. As you get to know the women you date you'll be able to see whether they fall on your list. If you have your big things figured out the little things may not bother you very much.


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