# Full Disclosure?



## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

Just curious as to everyone's opinion (c'mon...I know we all have one! :rofl

If your spouse's affair is exposed, and your marriage is in recovery...
AND
You, yourself, were also caught up in an affair (unexposed) but it was a long time ago...

Do you disclose?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

nope. i wouldnt disclose it.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Yes... Just because you were better at hiding than he was.. you have both done the same thing and now is a great opportunity to put it all on the table.

Im not typically a fan of the past  but so much (seems) has gone on.. possible full disclosure puts you on level field.

my two cents.

"on the table.... everything"


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Yes! Please DO disclose it. Keeping a secret like this is not 'in the past' (so Vino your idiom is still safe) - it is happening RIGHT NOW. Honesty in a marriage is one of the main building blocks.


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## Paul Bennett (Dec 15, 2009)

The answer depends on what kind of marriage you choose to have. 

Consider this viewpoint: when you withhold something from your spouse, you are protecting yourself from what they will or might do. You are in some sense treating them as an enemy. 

You will probably argue with that point of view. You may say that you're withholding for the sake of the marriage, or to protect your spouse from pain, or some such reason. I invite you to consider that, none of those reasons withstanding, you are treating this person as an enemy who will do something to hurt you or your marriage if you tell them about the affair. 

Lots of people have satisfactory marriages that way, withholding something for fear of what the other will do if that something is disclosed. If you want to have one of those marriages, then you have been on the right track. You've got the marriage you've got because you withhold what you withhold. 

What kind of marriage would be possible for you if you stopped withholding things? If you've been honest about your feelings around the affair that was disclosed, you may have noticed that this honesty has opened the door to a new kind intimacy in your marriage. (You may not have stepped through the door yet. You may decline and try to go back to the marriage you had.)

When you make a choice like this, either way, you determine what kind of marriage is available to you. It's your choice.

Sandy and Lon Golnick (Relationship & Families ByDesign) lead workshops that explore choices like these, how ordinary choices give us ordinary relationships, and what might be available if we made extra-ordinary choices.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Yes. Do disclose. Honesty is one of the most important aspects of a marriage. As your marriage is in recovery, it is time for both of you to recommit to each other. Part of your recommitment to your spouse will need to include you being honest about your own unfaithfulness. Good luck!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What kind of marriage do you have if you're not honest, and best friends?


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

exactly who is this good for? would be great for me... take a load off my mind, and unload the weight of the world.
but what's in it for him? all it uncovers is the person he WAS married to, years ago. and it causes him the unbelievable pain I have endured. for what?


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Because its hypocritical for him to be judged and evaluated based on his mistake, but for you to be able to not. Relationships are about honesty and communication. Your not being honest. It would of been easiest on everyone to spill this secret when he spilled his.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It is good for him AND for you. Come on, be honest with yourself. You're just trying to get out of being on the hot seat.

What kind of marriage is that?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Monday25 said:


> exactly who is this good for? would be great for me... take a load off my mind, and unload the weight of the world.
> but what's in it for him? all it uncovers is the person he WAS married to, years ago. and it causes him the unbelievable pain I have endured. for what?


This is good for him. It says:

"I trust you enough to tell you my deepest secret."
"I trust you will react with care for our relationship."
"I believe you can handle this kind of news."
"I have faith in you to do what's right."
"I consider you to be mature enough to deal with the truth."
"I will give you everything, 100%, even the stuff that's hard and hurts. "
"I trust you to not use this against me."
"I believe in US and won't let something in the past be a wedge between us."

By not telling him, it says the opposite. It says that you don't trust him, you don't believe in him, you don't think he mature enough to handle the news, and you don't believe in "US"--you'd rather have a wedge than give him the respect to deal with the truth and decide for himself. 

*~Selah~*


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

I have not always liked the responses here, but I do respect them.

Affaircare... I printed your post and read it to him first.

Things are sticky right now... but I do think it's going to work out.

only time will tell


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey Monday~

We're not only here for the "advice" part you know. We're also here for the "work it out" part and to help both of you get through it. I know it's sticky and probably did hurt him...but know all is in the open and can be dealt with.


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

funny how the more i let go of the past, the brighter the future looks.

the more i let go of *theotherone*, the more i can trust he let go of his.

every now and then i slip and think of *theotherone*. 
now i am beginning to understand how destructive that can be. 
it's as bad as having negative thoughts about him&OW!! 

i think this rollercoaster is getting beyond the loop de loops and 1000ft drops...now we're just going over the humps... 

how long til this smoothes out?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Depends on how hard you work to shake up your life and move - together - in a new direction. If you're still living the same life as when you were with OM, you'll always be reminded of him. I've seen people throw out entire bedroom sets - or move to another town - to get out of that memory loop.


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

same life....1000% different mind set.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I have two thoughts for ya  

#1--you may want to talk to your spouse and do something symbolic (like buy a new pair of sheets or something as a couple) that means to the both of you that you've turned over a new leaf. 

#2--regarding how long before it smooths out, I would say it smooths out more and more each month that you two focus on each other and your marriage, but people are different. I think for me I felt "okay and not triggered all the time" in about 6 months as a loyal spouse, and as a disloyal it took me maybe 2-3 months to go like weeks without thinking of TOM...and when I do it's usually because someone here asked me about it  heehee


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## ladyred8585 (Mar 2, 2010)

Speaking our minds and hearts is at the core of intimacy. We all long to have a marriage that is so relaxed and intimate that we can share anything and everything without thinking about it. Who wants to hide out in a relationship in which we can't allow ourselves to be known? Ive yet to meet the person who aspires to be phony or silent in his marriage. The dictate to "Be Yourself" is a cultural ideal and, luckily, no one else is as qualified for the job. 
But speaking out and being "real" are not always good ideas. Sometimes in the name of authenticity and truth-telling, we shut down the lines of communication, diminish and shame the other person, and make it less likely that we'll hear each other or even be able to stay int he same room. We may talk a particular subject to death, or focus on the negative in a way that draws us deeper into it when we'd be berrer off distracting ourselves and going to the movies.

Try to make wise and thoughtful decisions about how and when to say what to your wife. Timing and tact in marriage is not the opposite of honesty. Rather, it is what makes honesty possible. 

Hope this helps you out.


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## bobcat (Apr 1, 2010)

I disclosed. It was great for me, but not my wife. She has been reminding me about it for 8 years since I told her. Did it make our marriage better. Definately not. Did it help me, absolutely. I have a clear conscience and a better sense of integrity. Did it help her. No. She distrusts me with everything now. Time has not helped her. 

All said, I still think disclosure was the right thing to do. I suppose in some sick way my wife feels validated. (she was right about what she suspected all along; I was cheating).


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

seems like every few days i catch myself thinking...
if i was out doing what i did, and he was out doing what he did, then WTF are we doing together? if we loved each other, we would not have done this. and how long before we hurt each other again?


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