# My husband is confused



## ready4peace

My husband and I have been having problems for the past six months since I found out about his EA. I'm still dealing with trust issues because his behavior is worse than it was when he was speaking with another woman outside of our marriage. We have tried counseling for about a month and now he refuses to go. We both have given our lives to Christ before we were married. Now it seems like he is dealing with issues only God can help him with. In the process, I'm losing my way. I'm feeling depressed and physically sick when he doesn't respond the way I think he should. I know I need to seek therapy for myself but will he ever come around. He has no strong married men in his life and it seems like the bad company he is keeping is helping our marriage go down the tubes. I'm at a lost.


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## Mike188

From my own experience and from what I have observed on this site, I wouldn't count on God, faith or religion to change your spouse. If you want to rely on it personally for strength or comfort then do it, but it probably isn't going to be what brings you two back together. You're going to have to
figure out what the problem is and deal with that. When a spouse starts to act out they really don't worry to much about what the bible says. They can internally justify the craziest stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristinlloyd

Regardless of religious affiliation, have you guys talked about your expectations of each other? Making a list of expectations (from each other and the relationship) might help get a better idea of what you both are looking for in the relationship and how to meet each others needs. Additionally, it might also help if you start "dating" each other again. The trust is something that needs to be rebuilt in time and after an EA or any time of affair, it is hard to get that back unless you really work on it. 
If you want to try to pray for him there is a book called "The Power of the Praying Wife" and you can try to find it in the library or at a bookstore and its how a wife prays for her husband.
However, he also needs to be an active participant in making the relationship work or else things will get more out of hand. Hopefully the two of you can come to a resolution and start to work on things again.
Another good book that is Christian based is "His Needs, Her Needs: How to build an affair proof marriage." 

I wish you both the best!

~Kristin


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## gumjunkie

ready4peace said:


> My husband and I have been having problems for the past six months since I found out about his EA. I'm still dealing with trust issues because his behavior is worse than it was when he was speaking with another woman outside of our marriage. We have tried counseling for about a month and now he refuses to go. We both have given our lives to Christ before we were married. Now it seems like he is dealing with issues only God can help him with. In the process, I'm losing my way. I'm feeling depressed and physically sick when he doesn't respond the way I think he should. I know I need to seek therapy for myself but will he ever come around. He has no strong married men in his life and it seems like the bad company he is keeping is helping our marriage go down the tubes. I'm at a lost.


I know EXACTLY how you feel...from the emotional affair to his married friends...only he refused counseling so I just went by myself for myself. He is now at the point of speaking to a lawyer, and I have no idea what else I can do to save what's left of our marriage. He blames me for our problems, and when I try to explain my actions (or inaction) he just says I'm trying to place blame on him, when really I'm just trying to open up and talk to him. I feel like all I can do now is pray because I've tried everything else I can think of!


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## Tanelornpete

> In the process, I'm losing my way.


You bring a lot of issues up in one short message! Hopefully you will stay around here long enough to work through some of them. In essence the solution to everything you bring up is the same. The reply right after your post reveals the error that needs to be corrected. In that reply, Mike188 infers that you cannot *count *on 'God, faith or religion to change your spouse.' While in a _very_ weak sense this may be true, it is only true to the extent that you cannot count on 'God, faith, or religion' to make your spouse do the things that _you _want your spouse to do." God may very well have other plans.

And that is the crux of the issue here: getting your spouse to do what you want him to do. This is the essence of controlling behavior! While what you want him to do _may well be_ the right thing, it is important to keep in mind that you cannot change your spouse. You write:



> I'm feeling depressed and physically sick when he doesn't respond the way I think he should.


That is probably true. Why would you _want _to feel depressed and physically sick? You probably want to argue "But I don't!" Problem is, that is the _only _thing you get out of _willing_ your spouse to do something. As long as you keep _willing _him to change (as if your will has some sort of power to affect others) you will reap the only crop you have sown: depression and sickness. For God's sakes, stop it!

Before any 'counseling' can "work" for you, you need to do some work yourself. The key is simple: work on one thing only - growing as a Christian. And you can only do this _one way_ - immerse yourself in the Scriptures, and pray continually that God give you wisdom and insight into your growth. This is a promise that God HAS made (James 1:5). God isn't a vending machine. He gives you what you really need, and even the passages where God is said to grant whatever we ask are predicated on the fact that as you grow as a Christian, what you WANT becomes more in tune with God. 

Yes this seems counter-intuitive - we all think that we need to pray that God change our spouse - but then, what if God has decided not to? How can you know this? Only by growing in your life with God can you received the peace to accept _anything_ that God brings your way. Yes, pray that He change your spouse - but also make sure that you understand that you also are relying on God to do what He wants. See Luke 22:42.

As a matter of fact, God deliberately uses hard times as a means of training us. It teaches us to turn to Him:

...Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—_then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all_. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of *righteousness* and _*peace*_ for those who have been trained by it...(Hebrews 12:7-11)​
God 'disciplines' us for His glory and our good. Discipline here does NOT mean 'punish.' It means 'to grow as a disciple'. So many people want all the benefits of Christianity - and to do none of the work. So many people (I've read LOTS of comments on these forums that attest to this!) are completely willing to 'follow' God, as long as they get what they want - but when things don't turn out the way they want, they decide it is God that is at fault. It is not. It is THEM who are at fault!

Now it may well be true that what your husband is doing is wrong - and definitely needs to change. But your spiritual well-being is more important that your marriage. Your faith is a bigger testimony than you can imagine. There are ways that you can address this issues with your husband (tools to communicate effectively, etc.) but in the end, the road your husband takes is his responsibility. As is your road. And your road, if you are God's child, is to grow as His child. Work on that first, and other things will begin to fall into place.

"...But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well..." (Matt 6:33)​


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## cb45

:iagree: with TP!

or rather, i'd prefer an Amen smiley instead but alas none here.

only thing one can add to TP's well written post is this:

Jesus has to be the 1st Love of yer life so that the rest that TP so thoroughly described for u, can fall into place.
that is to say, when u r working on yerself and not concentrating on H, u need Jesus to help u via the H>S>, in
order to succeed, no matter what the outcome is.

yer H cant be a born again believer if he's grieving the H>S>
and not feeling it/suffering for it/etc himself. or maybe he 
is "feeling it" i dont know.

still, u have to concentrate on u. not much u can do bout
him, tho' i do share/understand yer frustration(s) concerning
what he should be feeling/doing for yer marriage, but dont
fall into this judgemental "trap" set for many a marr'd H/W.

let Jesus and the H>S> work it out, for the both of you.

sure u'll slip sometimes/often but, just re-focus and get yer
eyes back on Jesus.

thats good advice for me/all of us as well. :smthumbup:

shalom yededeem!


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## Rough Patch Sewing

ready4Peace,

Continue to pray for him, for yourself, and for your marriage! My wife and I will pray for your situation as well. Is it possible that his EA has become more serious? I write about marriage restoration and how to spot  Signs of an Affair. He may be leaving clues to something deeper. I do not want to cause alarm, but his unwillingness to work on the marriage may be for this reason. I sincerely, hope that is not the case.

Continue the counseling alone. Work on your issues and deep hurts in this whole situation. Most of all, get closer to our Lord, Jesus! He can be the greatest comfort in your time of need. If you have strong women friends of the faith that will support you and help you through this.

I hope that your willingness to try to save this marriage will remind him of the promise he made to you on the alter before God and that your resolve to make it work will be something that makes him take a closer look at his behavior. You are doing good things, but make sure you have support while doing them.


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## cb45

no comment 4 over 2mths usually means OP is long gone, or 
not tooooo concerned, or tooooo busy to respond/read.

i.e., look at last dates posted etc.

:sleeping:


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## Rough Patch Sewing

Probably correct that the OP has abandoned the issue or is too busy. I am just in the habit of waiting on return responses. I post to a thread in which it goes back and forth, accept sometimes it takes about a month to hear back from the OP.


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## Rough Patch Sewing

Also, trying to help people on this forum is really good and I love to be here, that I do not lose hope too easily.


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