# What do I do now?



## Runawaytrain (Jun 7, 2010)

I took my H to work today and we were talking about him getting "snipped", and somehow it evolved to I need to be on birth control which somehow became a trigger for me. I told him, I would get on bc when he got tested for STDs because I know he didn't use a condom the entire time and I have no idea for sure how many women he's been with. He was in Atlanta for 7 weeks going to strip clubs and doing God knows what. I said I shouldn't have to ask my husband to do this, but I do. He, of course, shut down. Like he always does and I started crying. He got out of the car and said, "I'll get tested next week." and slammed the door. 

What do I do now? This is what always happens. He has shut down and will stay shut down til I apologize, but I don't really feel like I should apologize. But, on the other hand, I do feel like I shouldn't of done this right before he went to work. I just don't always know when something is going to trigger me. I feel awful. I don't want to fight with him, but I'm tired of him always having the upper hand. I take responsibility in my part of this marriage being unhappy leading up to his infidelity, but it is not my fault he couldn't control himself. He could of done a lot of things differently too. I've been working really hard on myself and our marriage. I feel like these triggers keep setting us back. 

I want to text him something. What should I say? I know him and he will be upset all day and will come home and won't talk to me until I do something like hug him or say I'm sorry and then everything will be okay. I'm so tired of doing that. This is not my fault, it's his. Why can't he see that?


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Text him and tell him you love him and are sorry for the tense morning. NO GROVELING.

expect him to get tested and act as though it's expected he will get tested. Beginning of next week, ask him which day he is going to the doctor. End of the week, ask him when the results will be in, you are anxious to SEE THE RESULTS ON PAPER. 

If he loves you, he'll do it. If he loves himself and his convenience more than he loves you, he won't. You need to stand up to him and not cave, he knows the silent treatment brings you to your knees and he gets what he wants. PLUS he is still getting to be intimate with you and you imply there has been cheating? 

MANIPULATION. Cheating? With all respect, you need to stand up to him and be a truly grown-up woman.


Best,

Lyn


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## Runawaytrain (Jun 7, 2010)

Well this is what I said.

I apologize for the tense car ride before work. I deal with a lot of pain daily from what happened. I never know when it will be triggered. I take responsibility for my part in our marriage being unhappy leading up to what happened. I will not share the blame in what happened. That was all you. You cannot expect to rebuild our marriage by shutting down when I bring it up. It happened. It isn't fair to expect me to keep that pain inside. Shutting down, being angry, or defensive will only make me think you are not regretful or sorry. You are not giving me credit for how strong I've been. I love you. But, you did this. This is not my fault. I am dong the best I can and I think I am doing a damn good job even if you don't. 

Too much? Probably. I tend to over do things. He hasn't responded of course, but he is at work. So, i don't know.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

That was good. I'd keep it shorter in the future and discuss at a better time.

I totally feel your pain, having just gone through this, well, I am still recovering. If you like, you can read my mood swings at 

Table of Contents/Posts « After His Affair

Best,

Lyn


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## hopelessly_devoted (Jun 23, 2010)

i think what you said was great. i sometimes over do things as well. especially via text/online. its sometimes easier to get everything out with no interuptions or losing your train of thought that way.


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## Runawaytrain (Jun 7, 2010)

I know. I always overdo it and I always have bad timing. I'm super impulsive. Hence, asking him to get tested on the way to work when he was already late. :banghead:

I think I'm getting somewhere though. I haven't sent him any more texts. Usually I send a bunch and call and harass him when he doesn't respond. I don't know why I do that. He knows me so well. All he has to do is shut down and shut me out and I will come running back and take on all responsibilty and blame. He's a master manipulator. He could write a book.

I am slowly pulling myself out from under his control though. Counseling has been good. Instead of being worried right now of how he is going to react to my message, I am okay. If he decides to ignore and still be mad, I'm still going to be okay. If he goes out and gets drunk. I'm still going to be okay. It's crazy how all the sudden, I am starting to realize that if those things happen my life won't be over like I thought. I don't need him. I want him. I want our family. But, I don't want this kind of life anymore. One of the things that he complained about in counseling is that I am not the same woman he married. I am not independent, strong, and I have no direction. All things he finds very attractive. Well, I'm fixing that and I have a feeling that he will have a problem with that. But, he is either with me or not. If not, my life will go on without him. I will find someone else someday and I will be okay. I am done letting him control me and manipulate me. Those days are over. We will see where that leads me. The next time he says he is leaving, I am going to say okay that is your choice and that's all. I won't ever beg him to stay again.


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## Runawaytrain (Jun 7, 2010)

He just responded with:

You are right. I do not give you enough credit.

Hmmmm.. I wasn't expecting that. :scratchhead:

I'm not responding back as I really do not know if he is being sarcastic or serious. :scratchhead:


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

YOU ARE FABULOUS! I so admire your decisions in how to handle the situation.

Hopelessly Devoted had a good point about saying what you need to. 

I agree, definitely let him hang by his fingernails. He thinks he is controlling you b/c you apologized and he is giving the silent treatment. What he doesn't realize, I am guessing, is that he is setting himself up to lose you.

Stay strong!

Best,

Lyn


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Runawaytrain said:


> He just responded with:
> 
> You are right. I do not give you enough credit.
> 
> ...



I would take it as you see it and not worry about the sarcasm possibility. If he is sincere, this is a very good sign.

Best,

Lyn


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## Runawaytrain (Jun 7, 2010)

Thanks! I feel better than I have in a long time. Did you see where I posted his response? He wrote back with "You are right. I do not give you enough credit." I don't know how to take that as I am not sure if he is serious or sarcastic. Text messaging! You never can tell. I am not responding unless he gives me more.


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## Runawaytrain (Jun 7, 2010)

Thanks. You are probably right. I don't think I'm going to write back though. I don't really know what to say anyway. I hope this is a good sign. I would love nothing more than to have him open his eyes and see what he is so close to losing.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

If you don't know what to say, don't say anything. Let him sweat it out a little.

See how important it is to be honest? You feel so much better! 

Best,

Lyn


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## Runawaytrain (Jun 7, 2010)

He called me from work and I didn't answer. I don't know why really. For some reason, I'm nervous to talk to him. Standing up for myself is hard. I just want him for once to work for me. Am I being ridiculous?


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

You are not being ridiculous, you are intimidated by the way he has treated you and are afraid of more rejection and mistreatment, in my estimation. 

Best,

Lyn


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

So it is not just us guys who have their confidence destroyed! You need to work on that confidence. Stand tall. That doesn't mean be mean. Plan A attitude. No love busters. Don't think the dizziness he is spewing is true. Listen. Take time to answer. Pace yourself in conversation. Stay under control.
I do think his text response was honest. You did the right thing by not responding. Can I add something? The first couple of weeks after I found out about the affair, my wife would text me to communicate. I went a long with it. Texting is too impersonal. One day she texted me looking for information she needed. My response was "I don't text! I will talk to you, but I won't text!" She called me. We don't text about anything of substance anymore. Should you try it?


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## Runawaytrain (Jun 7, 2010)

I only text him when he is at work. I don't like to bother him. He manages a restaurant and is almost always busy. 

I still believe in myself. I haven't let this destroy my confidence in myself. It has destroyed my confidence in him and my marriage. I know I am strong enough no matter what happens. 

I've been following your thread Imnottheonlyone and a few others. I haven't said anything because I think you are getting wonderful advise from people who really know what they are talking about. I do wish lots of luck. 

A lot of people think I'm weak for staying with my H, but I think they are wrong. It takes more strength to stay than run. 

It's funny how "for better or worse" is forgotten so easily anymore.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Other people like to tell you, right off the bat, "Leave the bum." I've even gotten that message on my blog from complete strangers who have never met my husband. That's just insane.

My husband is neither a bum or a chronic cheater. I saw that growing up and when I was an adult, I was (silently) judgmental of my mother when I learned of my stepfather's multiple infidelities. As I matured, I realized that an affair (not excusing my stepfather at all) is not a deal-breaker in a marriage. Multiple affairs? I don;lt think I could deal with that over the long haul, but people like Peggy Vaughn, an expert on affairs, endured her husband's multiple affairs. They ended and it was over, but it did do on for several years.

Infidelity can be overcome in many cases if the people involved can out their pride aside. Abuse is another issue, no marriage can survive that and I don't believe people should stay with abusers. It scars the children.

In any case. I admire your commitment. Stand your ground with him, he needs to have accountability for his behavior.

Best,

Lyn


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I managed a restaurant myself. I left the business before I married knowing how dangerous the job was to a marriage. Yet I help my wife get a job as a flight attendant. Go figure?


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