# 17 yr old daughter starting to act out



## lynnmarie (Apr 30, 2012)

We have been a stable family...married almost 23 years. Three daughters 20 (college) 17 1/2 (high school senior) and 5 year old.

We have really never had any major problems or issues with the girls. Little things here and there. Our oldest is very school/career oriented and always has been. Hard worker, very good student, very involved. However she has gotten into trouble. When she was in high school and working at a local business at night - she one time snuck out late and drove to her boyfriends house to give him a present and I found that she was not home - called her which made her speed home and get a ticket) She lied to us and got a ticket - but I get that kids are going to do stupid things sometimes.

Our middle daughter has always been materialistic (we have never handed her anything on a platter). 
We preach hard work and respect all the time. She is more street smart than book smart. We believe if she puts her mind to it - she could be an honor roll student - however she has maintained merit roll status. Mostly a B student. She says that she wants to go to college. We have not pressured her to do that. I tried to gear her toward a community college - but she really wants to go away (about an hour and half away) and was accepted. We were thrilled. 

She recently started working during the end of her senior year. A job she seems to like and she makes good money. She was very excited about concerts she was going to go to, grad parties etc. Her prom was two weeks ago. The day after her prom she drove out to a picnic prom party and was stopped for speeding. She immediately called me to tell me. My husband and I were disappointed but understood and did not freak out.

Well then - last night - I got a call from the local Sheriff's office that they have her there because she was picked up for shoplifting. She was out shopping for things to go to a concert and tried shoplifting two bathing suit tops. 

Needless to say I am beyond disappointed. I am hurt and sad. My husband has not even spoken to her yet. However we told her that her phone is gone, computer is gone, concert is gone, she goes to school and to work and that is it. No parties, no friend's houses....and she has to write a letter of apology to the store.

She still has to go get fingerprinted and get her mug shot and then go to court. I told her that she needs to do these things herself as my husband and I both work. I just don't get it. I don't understand why - when this was going to be "HER" summer of fun.....why would she be acting out like this. 

I can't talk to her. I try - but she has never been much of a talker - wants to figure things out herself. But as odd as it sounds, I do consider us close. I just have knots in my stomach.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don`t know why you think she`s "acting out".

Is there something other than the shoplifting that makes you think this?

The shoplifting I`d put in the same category as "Kids being stupid" and discipline her as you`ve already laid out.


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## lynnmarie (Apr 30, 2012)

Maybe I have used the term "acting out" incorrectly. I just do not understand why all of a sudden - when it is the end of high school -with all kinds of plans and college and finally having money to spend on things - why a child would do this. My thinking is that deep down she does not want to leave and go to college - but she will not talk about it. And truth is - when a person is almost 18 years old - I really do not consider them a "kid" but much more an "adult". But that is just me.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lynnmarie said:


> Maybe I have used the term "acting out" incorrectly. I just do not understand why all of a sudden - when it is the end of high school -with all kinds of plans and college and finally having money to spend on things - why a child would do this. My thinking is that deep down she does not want to leave and go to college - but she will not talk about it. And truth is - when a person is almost 18 years old - I really do not consider them a "kid" but much more an "adult". But that is just me.


True, socially and legally they are adults.
Mentally/emotionally no way and the teen years are the stupidest of them all.

What makes you think she doesn`t want to go off to college?

It`s so hard to talk to them at this age because "They know everything!" and you`re often stuck trying to divine their thoughts and needs with little success.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

many teens go through that "invincibility" stage

she's speeding thinking she won't get a ticket or get hurt in an accident

she's stealing thinking she won't get caught

and the good news is that is she was indeed caught both times and now has to face consequences, this could prove to be a very valuable life lesson

I would say that there is a problem if more things pop up after this


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## lynnmarie (Apr 30, 2012)

I am comparing her actions and attitudes about the preparing for college to that of our first one attending college. I really do not try to compare my children to each other - but that is the only true measure that I have with regards to this. I am the one that has to keep on her to get things done in regards to getting ready for college. And with college looming so close - why would you start doing stupid things?

Please do not misunderstand me - I WANT her to go. I think she needs to get out of our small town and be on her own.

However - now with the things that she is starting to do - I am a little apprehensive about it thinking that maybe she is not ready.

Believe me, I did stupid things when I was her age. And I remember them like yesterday. It is harder when it is your own kids.


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## lynnmarie (Apr 30, 2012)

I would say that there is a problem if more things pop up after this[/QUOTE said:


> That is exactly what I was thinking as well. I was thinking of telling her that she has two strikes right now - three strikes and you're out!
> 
> But out in what way?? What more can be taken away? I am having a hard time thinking of what I would actually do if she does one more thing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I agree with the others - what she's done is pretty minor and not freak-out worthy.

I have two boys 22 and 20 and a daughter 18. My oldest has a criminal record because of something really stupid he did when he was 18. My daughter was caught shoplifting at age 13. The cops actually put her in handcuffs then a holding cell and scared the crap out of her - she never did it again. She is also bulimic, not purging lately thankfully. Middle son got suspended from school many times for smoking and smoking pot. I've had photo radar speeding tickets and parking tickets come in the mail from them driving. I've had neighbours at the door telling me the boys were fighting outside and they almost called the cops.

Thankfully they have mostly grown up now and I think we're through the worst of it. They all live away from home right now, so it's easy for me to look back and say it wasn't that bad. But looking back I am thankful - it could have been a LOT worse. 

Anyway, don't sweat it - she's young and has to make her own mistakes. It sounds like your first one was exceptionally straight-arrowed - which is unfortunate for the 17 year old now.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Honestly, in my opinion, the punishment you've given her seems extreme to me. I always believed that consequences should be logical. In the shoplifting case with my daughter, she was scared ****less already and I didn't hand out anything else at home. What the cops did was enough. Taking away her phone etc. is just asking for her to rebel further - I have never been a fan of 'grounding' for older teens. They just do what I did - climb out the window and hitchhike into town.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Honestly, in my opinion, the punishment you've given her seems extreme to me.


I disagree, I think the OP is correct in her reaction.
It was theft after all and stealing shouldn`t be ignored by her parents.


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## lynnmarie (Apr 30, 2012)

Hope - We rarely grounded our kids. They never really needed to be grounded. However - when we did - they know that they went over the limits. I believe in taking away what is most important to them - even if it is for only a week. I do hope that the being taken to the sheriffs office scared the SH*T out of her because it should. And I hope that me telling her how disappointed I was in her - made her feel bad. I am hoping that there will be NO strike three! And I pray that this is as bad as it will get!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You should also consider getting some home drug test kits

if you are confused to her sudden change of behavior then it is a possibility that she started to experiment with booze and/or drugs

at least rule it out


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Lots of parents disagree with me  Of course it shouldn't be ignored - believe me, there were many tears shed and discussions that happened after my daughter was caught. My reasoning is that to punish like that gets to not mean anything to the kid after a while. And eventually they just ignore it and do what they want. Or leave home at 16 like I did.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Ahh late teens and early twenties. Sorry to hear she is starting to do stupid things, but I imagine this probably won't be the last stupid thing she does in her life. But hopefully she will learn something from this, if not, next time let her spend the night in jail.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Lots of parents disagree with me  Of course it shouldn't be ignored - believe me, there were many tears shed and discussions that happened after my daughter was caught. My reasoning is that to punish like that gets to not mean anything to the kid after a while. And eventually they just ignore it and do what they want. Or leave home at 16 like I did.


Yup, that was like my ex husbands daughter. He grounded her for an entire summer, and it just didn't make much of an impression. She had nothing to lose, so she didn't care and she went out of her way to get into trouble more.

I was also somewhat like that, and I left my parents home at 17.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> many teens go through that "invincibility" stage
> 
> she's speeding thinking she won't get a ticket or get hurt in an accident
> 
> ...


:iagree:


this. Also agreed maybe TS should drug test her just in case i would imagine she has maybe experimented with some drugs as late night parties always have that available.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think rather than drug testing her, have a good honest talk with her. I'd imagine that like most tests, they aren't 100% accurate, so you could end up accusing her when she's innocent. And arming them with information gives them a far better tool than addressing it after the fact. I always also told my kids that they could make me the bad guy - when offered something they really didn't want to do, just say "My mom would KILL me if she found out, and believe me, she finds out things!" I was also frank with them about my own past with drugs, so they'd know I wasn't easily fooled about them.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

It happens we can't control them!! All you can do is set a good example and provide a loving hand, but often they have to learn the mistakes themselves.

My oldest did much the same 3.4gpa, scholarship, off to college flunked out, passed out drunk multiple times, rehab, you name it. After 6 months I didn't know who she was!!

Fast forward 18 months she is back in school 12hrs and a 4.0, working 30hrs a week, and doing great! She stumbled hard, but now doesn't drink/drugs anything at all.

She learned a ton!! Is a sponsor at AA etc etc. You can PM me for more details and of course I'm leaving out a ton. The lies, deciet, doing things we never approved of or condoned and it all started at 17 1/2.

She'll say to this day "It's nothing you or mom did. I just had to see for myself and I learned alot I'm so sorry I put you and mom through that!" Many tears, many talks, I didn't talk to her for 60 days at one point and even now we are not as close as we were, but more due to her growing up and I have other kids still at home, so you know how that goes. We are having dinner together this weekend though.

Best of luck!! She will be 18 soon, so to be honest you can't do much to stop her. Just talk, talk, talk, and be firm when you need to be.


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## lynnmarie (Apr 30, 2012)

I want to thank you all for your kind words and advice. I have asked her flat out about drugs which she has always and to this day says she does not do and I do believe her. I have seen drug use first hand and I would know if she would. I have never really suspected her of it anyway. She has basically said that she has hit rock bottom and there is no other way now than up, which was a good thing to hear. 

I have however said to her that what bothers me is that she does not appear humbled by this. It is like she still has her attitude, ****iness.....and that bothers me. 

I don't know what to do as of now though. She still has to call - to drive downtown and get fingerprinted and have her mug shot taken. I am not sure - if for the court date she should ask for a public defender or should we call a lawyer. 

I know that it sounds callous - but I want her to do this on her own - though it is very hard for me not to get involved. I do want her to be scared ****less. I know that this is very minor compared to what other kids do - believe me - I know that. (I worked in a high school office for years and have seen it all). 

I truly hope she considers all of this "rock bottom" and wants to turn it around.

Again - thank you all for your words. It really does help!!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I`d get her a lawyer.

I understand wanting her to have to entirely deal with this on her own and agree with it.

However, I`ve seen people defended by the public defenders office who have ended up doing jail time for the most trivial crap.

I wouldn`t trust my kids freedom to a public defender no matter how slight the charges.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, I agree with tacoma. You should be with her through this - that doesn't mean you like what she does, let her know that, but she is your girl and you love her and you're her mom. She needs you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lynnmarie said:


> I am comparing her actions and attitudes about the preparing for college to that of our first one attending college.


That's a big mistake. For many reasons.

First, do some research into birth order. I knew before I read your post that your older daughter would be serious and studious and your younger would be impulsive, defiant. Why? Because it's documented that older children become more serious, more so when another one comes along. And younger children have the 'safety' of knowing someone's there to back them up and thus are more reckless and thrill-seeking. 

Nothing you can do about that now, that's their personality.

Second, it affects how they react to you. Like you said, she's independent; understand it's different from her older sister, try to understand how she thinks, and operate from that knowledge, not from what her sister would do. That will only alienate her and help her feel unappreciated and maybe even unloved (youngers HATE to be compared to olders and often suffer self esteem issues from being the younger).

The best you can do at this point is talk to her - a LOT. Even if she doesn't talk back, she listens to everything you say. Now, what I did with my DD21 is to raise her with logic. You can't argue logic and you can't get around it. It will work with yours. 

If you steal again, you will have to suffer the legal repercussions on your own because I will not bail you out. So I advise you not to steal.

If you want to go away to school, you will need to come up with a budget and figure out how to pay for it. I'll help you research applying for loans, but it's on you to get it done. I advise you to get started; loans are usually apportioned before August and if you don't, you'll have no way to go to that school.

This is showing her consequences and then leaving the choice up to her. If she doesn't come through, the onus is on her and she will learn from her choices. And probably come out stronger in the end


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## lynnmarie (Apr 30, 2012)

Turnera - here is the hysterical thing. I am the middle child as well. And she is JUST LIKE I WAS. I do understand her alot. I guess I just don't want to see her make the same stupid mistakes I did - however I have to remember that I turned out just fine and I learned from my mistakes. 

They are the typical oldest, middle and youngest child syndrome which is very funny to me. I was the typical middle child to a certain extent. But I was also the most serious. My older brother never serious, always in trouble, even into his adult life. I think I took on the job of oldest and middle. But I do understand it and I talk to her all the time - I don't talk at her - I talk to her. Many times after the fact she tells me that she appreciates it and she listens. I am a little calmer today after all of your posts and thinking it through. I have emailed a lawyer who I need to set up an appointment with - but it is just a stressful time right now with a lot going on - plus I am trying to do all this without letting on at work with what is going on.

Again - thank you!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She might be having a bad circle of friends. Rule out the drug usage completely. Kids these days are very good at hiding things. many don't consider lower end drugs to be a big deal. They aren't most of the times but they open doors to trying and testing much harder ones


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## manvsmonster (May 22, 2012)

I'm sorry you are dealing with this issue. Being a mom of teens & tweens I can certainly understand how you must feel. You feel betrayed by her. And you have been. But just because she's 17 1/2 don't let her think that you are not beyond disciplining her. It sounds like she got into a good old situation of rebellion and temptation and they got the best of her. I remember doing stupid things when I was her age. BUT....here is what I would suggest....and it's ONLY a suggestion. 

First of all, the apology thing is first and foremost...good call but I would take her there to the store in person and suggest that she read it out loud to the management people. Second, I would give her an ultimatum....she either volunteers to do some community service or spend a weekend in jail. I know it sounds harsh but she needs to understand the reality of the consequences of her decision. Had she been six months older, she would be in jail anyway. If she drives, take away her license for awhile and don't permit her to drive. But through all of the discipline, keep reminding her of how much you do love her and maybe still do things with her to reassure her that even though you and your husband are disappointed in what she did, she is still very special to you both....... and from your post you seem like a great mom!


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