# Bachelor Party Question



## LoveMy2Boys (Apr 16, 2013)

Hi all,
I am a 36 married mother of 2 boys, ages 8 and 2. My husband and I have been married for over 12 years. He has a friend who is getting married this May. He just asked him last month to be one of two best men in the wedding. He lives in D.C., we live in NY. His whole family is also in NY. Because he lives in D.C. and the other best man is from D.C., he told my husband he wants a weekend bachelor party in Atlantic City. 
My husband and I both work full time. We are able to pay our bills with a little extra to go out to eat once in a while, etc. This whole bachelor party to me sounds like nonsense. He visits NY at least one weekend a month. They are coming in March for the bride's wedding shower. I told my husband he should just plan something here and make it a one day thing with all of the NY friends. I think it's unfair of my husband to expect to spend $1000 (we figured out together it would cost this much with all they want to do) and to leave for the whole weekend, Friday - Sunday night, when we have two young kids at home who don't see their parents all week. I have never taken a night trip away from my children. I don't think my husband is being reasonable. What do you all think?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Being in a wedding party nowadays is BIG bucks.

I guess it comes down to how good a friend this guy is.

It's his wedding, his choice where he has his bachelor party, it's not up to your husband. All your husband can do is accept or decline the invite to be a best man. Declining will of course likely cause the demise of the friendship.

Tough spot to be in, for sure.


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## LoveMy2Boys (Apr 16, 2013)

This is a huge strain for us financially. We need a new hot water heater and are waiting for our tax return. To me, a good friend wouldn't expect this from you, no?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

LoveMy2Boys said:


> This is a huge strain for us financially. We need a new hot water heater and are waiting for our tax return. To me, a good friend wouldn't expect this from you, no?


It's always a huge financial strain for people asked to be in a wedding party. I doubt the bride and groom give it a second thought. Same thing for those "destination weddings" where all the guests have to pay a whole bunch of money to travel.

Do you think the bride and groom care about the financial needs of their invited guests and wedding party? Of course not. 

Good friends expect good friends to do whatever it takes to make their "special day" even that more special. Sure it's selfish but hey that's how people are. 

Your husband doesn't get to decide where the bachelor party will be or how much he's going to spend (for all practical purposes). All he can do is accept or decline and deal with the consequences. 

I guess he "could" tell the groom to be is that he'd be happy to accept the role of best man but finances preclude this, so if groom wants to cover his costs than he's all in. But that's rather tacky.



Mrs. John Adams said:


> Perhaps all the groomsmen and ushers will contribute?


Yeah but it's like saying "I'm poor, and I'll accept all contributions". Guess it's better than just declining all together.

In addition to bachelor party costs there's tuxedo rental, and the wedding gift, which nowadays ain't cheap..



LoveMy2Boys said:


> we have two young kids at home who don't see their parents all week. I have never taken a night trip away from my children. I don't think my husband is being reasonable. What do you all think?


On this one point- that you have never been away from your children for even one night- so your husband shouldn't be away for a couple of nights- is unreasonable.


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## LoveMy2Boys (Apr 16, 2013)

No, it's $1000 per person is what we came up with! That's what I mean - I don't think a good friend asks you to spend that kind of money.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

2 grand?

Wow I'd say "Sorry buddy, I don't have that sort of cash, especially given that more than half of all marriages end in divorce nowadays."


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I think your best bet is not so much to allow or disallow the trip but to first ask him to explain to you how exactly you will afford it, and then ask him if he can afford it somehow, would he rather have that or a trip with you or the family with that money, since trips are so rare.

I bet he's just having trouble thinking of saying no to his friend. I think if he sees the reality of the situation, he'll agree with your thinking.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

It's what you both are comfortable with.

Before I met my wifee to be, I went to two bachelor parties which involved strips clubs, drinks, etc. I never drank and I don't mess around with the ladies either. I actually felt sorry for the strippers on stage. Not my thing.

For my bachelor party, I told my friend, it must be a clean bachelor party and that means no drinking, drugs or strip clubs. They honored my request, dressed me up in a grass shirt with a coconut bra, make up and paraded me all through the city and in the main mall. They got me good.

My wifee has a similar bachelorette party and it was clean as well.

Again, if it makes you worry and wonder, tell him that. He doesn't have to be in the bachelor party you know and he can be in everything else.


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## LoveMy2Boys (Apr 16, 2013)

It is not an issue of trust at all. For me, the two biggest concerns are the money and the time away from his family. I did tell him that we should be putting the money towards a family vaca, home repairs, things for the kids, and that I do think it is selfish to spend that kind of money. He just went to a hockey game with his brother that cost him $400. I think this is excessive and unfair of him. He is a very selfish person by nature, and I knew that going in to this marriage, but I feel like drawing a line here.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

lenzi said:


> 2 grand?
> 
> Wow I'd say "Sorry buddy, I don't have that sort of cash, especially given that more than half of all marriages end in divorce nowadays."


Just tell him everything you said and add... "I'll catch the next one......promise!"


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## LoveMy2Boys (Apr 16, 2013)

He doesn't want to tell his friend that. He thinks he has to do it because that's what good friends do. I say good friends understand if you don't have $1000 to throw around.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lenzi said:


> Do you think the bride and groom care about the financial needs of their invited guests and wedding party? Of course not.
> 
> Good friends expect good friends to do whatever it takes to make their "special day" even that more special. Sure it's selfish but hey that's how people are.


 I wasn't like this.. I bought the girls their dresses (4 of them)....and we paid for the rental of the guys tuxes -wanting to make it fair..... I didn't want to put my friends out... we had more money than them...

Not that these were expensive T-length gowns, I caught them on sale & bought them on the spot.... after all I was cheap on my own ...so I could do this... 

Just saying... there are some exceptions!

The Price tag of being this Best Man sounds utterly outrageous to me...I just read a $1,000 a PERSON [email protected]#$% WHAT ! and you are struggling to get a Hot Water tank...waiting on a Tax return... No No..... this is insanity.... the Financial boundaries one expects for a Wedding to be played out... I'm mind boggled here.. A decent friend would consider your family, the responsibilities your husband has and his financial situation .. to not even ask but presume -is carelessness and disrespectful in my opinion.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Really, it's a simple answer. If you are strapped for cash, you don't have that extra money lying around. If you DID have that kind of money available, your hot water heater would be fixed or replaced already. Decline. And, tbh, if declining is going to ruin a friendship, that's pretty sad.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Really? Why the does the maid of honor get to decide about the bridal shower? Wow...that seems unfair. I thought it was the best mans choice....boy things have changed.


I have never heard of the maid of honor deciding on a bridal shower....usually family will send out invites for a house or hall shower. A maid of honor might host the bachelorette party but not the wedding shower....:scratchhead:


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> When my kids gots married..2004...it was not like this. I cannot believe a bachelor party could be this expensive. Holy cow! I would have to bow out I guess...pride or no pride. Your family comes first. You don't owe friends anything. That's just ridiculous.


I'm with you. My husband and his groomsmen went bowling. That's it. My bridal shower was thrown by mom and my sisters. I didn't plan it, but I knew about it. Neither of the choices of what was done at the bachelor party and bridal shower were our choice, except for one thing: we agreed that they HAD to be clean. No drinking, no strippers, etc. Other than that, location was up to those THROWING them. We just had to make sure we had the time available, and to show up. But to be spending $1000 per person? That's just plain ridiculous to expect that! 

Then again... we're simple around here. We don't get into all the expensive stuff because they are a waste of money.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

LoveMy2Boys said:


> This is a huge strain for us financially. We need a new hot water heater and are waiting for our tax return. To me, a good friend wouldn't expect this from you, no?


I don't want to sound mean but if one can't afford all the costs of standing up in the wedding why did DH accept?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

over20 said:


> I have never heard of the maid of honor deciding on a bridal shower....usually family will send out invites for a house or hall shower. A maid of honor might host the bachelorette party but not the wedding shower....:scratchhead:


Where I come from, it's one and the same. We don't "do" the bachelorette thing around here, so yes, the bridal shower planning is done by the maid/matron of honor, with help from the remaining bridesmaids.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

LoveMy2Boys said:


> No, it's $1000 per person is what we came up with! That's what I mean - I don't think a good friend asks you to spend that kind of money.


So a $1000 is NOT what the groom asked DH to spend? It is the figure you are guessing?:scratchhead:


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

over20 said:


> So a $1000 is NOT what the groom asked DH to spend? It is the figure you are guessing?:scratchhead:


The way she explained it is that the groom wants to do XYZ and the total, for all who will be there, is about $2000, if I am figuring correctly. With 2 best men, it cuts the cost per best man down to $1000... which is way past ridiculous. 

As for why OP's husband accepted, I would guess it was before the groom said "I want my bachelor party in Atlantic City"... he likely figured they could do something that wouldn't cost nearly as much, and would still have the money for tux rental...which really isn't that much by comparison.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

If you can't afford the trip, you can't. Too many families put themselves in debt for shallow reasons. A party or a water heater??? Your husband should politely decline the offer to attend the party.

If that ends the friendship, well then I guess the groom was not a great friend to begin with.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Oh.....I have always been invited to a bridal shower, usually thrown by a relative or friend of the bride. It's usually held on a Sat or Sun afternoon with a light lunch. If I am close to the bride than the close friends and bridesmaids organize the bachelorette party.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I am sure you are right Mrs. Adams about the etiquette for a shower. I just have to think though some of the bridal showers I have been too have been with over 150 women alone.....In my own case I had two wedding showers thrown by Aunt's on both sides that included about 60 women at each shower....My maid of honor was my cousin who was in medical school at the time.

Aren't a lot of younger brides usually asking their BFF's or sister's as maids of honor.....it would seem that younger women might not have the means for a proper or large shower.....IDK though

I do know that it is not customary for the mother of the bride to give the bride a shower.....but I have seen it done because no one else has stepped up.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Well, my own two sisters were my maid of honor and a bridesmaid. Because of this, it was obviously thrown by family. When my sister gets married, likely at the end of this summer or this fall, my other sister and I will most likely throw the shower. Why? Because our daughters are her bridesmaids. Before anyone asks why WE are not standing up for her, the answer is simple... I cannot stand up that long, and it would look tacky to have a folding chair up there, and me sitting in it... and my other sister will be taking the pictures for her... or video. Not sure which of the two she is doing. Either way, it was more logical for her to have our daughters in pace of US, since she really wanted US in there... I will, however, most likely be the one who helps her daughter, as well as the other girls, to get ready.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

From what I remember from my wedding, the only people that should absolutely not give the bride a shower is the Mother of Bride or Mother of Groom. (I remember my mom looked it up in a Emily Post book). I believe that goes for baby showers too.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Well, my own two sisters were my maid of honor and a bridesmaid. Because of this, it was obviously thrown by family. When my sister gets married, likely at the end of this summer or this fall, my other sister and I will most likely throw the shower. Why? Because our daughters are her bridesmaids. Before anyone asks why WE are not standing up for her, the answer is simple... I cannot stand up that long, and it would look tacky to have a folding chair up there, and me sitting in it... and my other sister will be taking the pictures for her... or video. Not sure which of the two she is doing. Either way, it was more logical for her to have our daughters in pace of US, since she really wanted US in there... I will, however, most likely be the one who helps her daughter, as well as the other girls, to get ready.


That's so exciting though.....Congratulations....do you like her husband to be?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> In the book, the maid of honor can enlist the help of the rest of the bridesmaids but it is her responsibility to organize and implement. So in essence..if the maid or matron of honor is a sister...of course the mother would help financially ( behind the scenes) I helped pay for my daughters shower but my name did not appear on the invitations.
> 
> Bachelorette parties are not discussed. Bachelor parties are paid for by the groomsmen and best man. I am certain if "dad" wanted to help out financially behind the scenes it would be appreciated...lol
> 
> People can do whatever they want...I wanted to be socially accurate....both for my daughter and my son.


Emily Post?.......So you had to pay for the shower and reception and trousseau? 

Maybe it's a socioeconomic thing......I know I can't afford to pay for all three for all of our daughters.......


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Bachelor Party Question*



LoveMy2Boys said:


> It is not an issue of trust at all. For me, the two biggest concerns are the money and the time away from his family. I did tell him that we should be putting the money towards a family vaca, home repairs, things for the kids, and that I do think it is selfish to spend that kind of money. He just went to a hockey game with his brother that cost him $400. I think this is excessive and unfair of him. He is a very selfish person by nature, and I knew that going in to this marriage, but I feel like drawing a line here.


Ok...you just admitted here that your H is selfish. He just spent $400 on a night out and you clearly didnt have the cash for that either if you are in a tight spot financially as you say. 

My first question to you was going to be - what does your H want to do? What does he think?

But it sounds like he doesn't see this as so much of a problem. Does he want to go? It sounds like he does from your latest post. 

My guess - is that he probably DOES have SOME sway when it comes to planning the bachelor party. If he TRULY thought he didnt want to go to atlantic city for a weekend away he could have worked to find equal alternatives with the same type of fun to be had that would cost less for everyone involved. My GUESS is that it's easier for your H to come to you with a sob story about how much the groom wants this and how he needs to go to fulfill his duties because that way he doesn't really have to tell you outright - hey I want to go away for a weekend with the boys, even though I know its unfair and we dont have the money to do it. 

Again - just guessing here...

If your H typically does things he wants to do without regard for how it affects you, you probably know how this is going to go. I dislike over the top bachelor/ette parties in general because it always seems to lead to bad feelings for all parties involved. Financial strain, jealousies, etc. 

You can ask him not to go - but what is that really going to do for the situation? The groom will be disappointed, your H will likely resent you, and its not going to ultimately make him a less selfish person if that is the underlying problem. 

What does he think about the money for the trip? Does he have a plan for where it's going to come from?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Oh my.......you did the right thing.......how is she doing now...


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

H and I had a low key (i.e. cheap) wedding. No bachelor(ette) parties. We used all the money we saved to buy a house. It worked well for us. We tell our kids to plan for a marriage, not a wedding. Hopefully it sinks in!

If I was a dude, I'd have a guys poker night in my parents' basement with a keg of beer and porn on the big screen TV. Same basic thing but saves a ton of money and bad feelings.


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## LoveMy2Boys (Apr 16, 2013)

Thank you all for your input. I want my husband to be able to have fun, but I am upset about the price tag. I admit that I don't spend money on myself, and he doesn't have any problem doing so, but I think this amount of money is too much to expect to spend on himself in one weekend. I think that a great bachelor party can be had on a much smaller budget. Convincing him of this is a whole other matter. =(


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

LoveMy2Boys said:


> Thank you all for your input. I want my husband to be able to have fun, but I am upset about the price tag. I admit that I don't spend money on myself, and he doesn't have any problem doing so, but I think this amount of money is too much to expect to spend on himself in one weekend. I think that a great bachelor party can be had on a much smaller budget. Convincing him of this is a whole other matter. =(


Maybe instead of making this a big issue in your marriage.....just chalk it up to a friend/groom that is making bad decisions.....make the groom the bad guy...your DH sounds like a NICE guy...he sounds very honest..that's HUGE now a days..give LOTS of kisses to him for being so honest!!...Maybe now you guys should talk about healthy boundaries.....maybe you could go also....and be waiting in the hotel room...he's out with the guys but comes back to his pretty wife.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

We've been married 22 years.

I think our budget was $500.. We had over $100 left over... Our biggest expense was her dress. She paid $100. It was actually a mother of the brides dress. We got married at her mother's house.

When she walked around the corner... she literally took my breath away. She was so beautiful!!!

I was so happy... She was finally mine. 

22 years later and we're still in love. We went for a 2 mile walk this evening... and held hands the whole way.

My only regret is that I didn't meet her sooner. 

I wish everybody could know the joy and love that I share with my wife.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

hambone said:


> We've been married 22 years.
> 
> I think our budget was $500.. We had over $100 left over... Our biggest expense was her dress. She paid $100. It was actually a mother of the brides dress. We got married at her mother's house.
> 
> ...



Your story is soooo beautiful...what a testimony to true love!!

I am so happy for you and your DW..

Blessings


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

is your H being a best man or a bankroll? a true friend wouldn't ask that amount, knowing he is in a tight bind (true friends share their financial situation).

with an imagination and $100 between five guys......a nice time can still be had


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Great Point Chuck71!!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

LoveMy2Boys said:


> Thank you all for your input. I want my husband to be able to have fun, but I am upset about the price tag. I admit that I don't spend money on myself, and he doesn't have any problem doing so, but I think this amount of money is too much to expect to spend on himself in one weekend. I think that a great bachelor party can be had on a much smaller budget. Convincing him of this is a whole other matter. =(


It's a shame this post reduced down to etiquette in-fighting. The bottom line is simply this: It is expensive, money isn't free flowing and your family needs other things. My question is how good of friends is the groom and your husband? Is he a life long friend or somebody more recent in his life?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Great point.....if money is the issue why did the OP's DH agree to be the best man if he can't afford it?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

over20 said:


> Great point.....if money is the issue why did the OP's DH agree to be the best man if he can't afford it?


Actually, my point is if this is a lifelong friend then $1,000 isn't much to support him in his celebration. Friends come and go but life long friends are very, very rare. That's why I asked about their friendship.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I agree with the OP. It's ridiculous to spend that amount of money on one weekend, especially when there are other things that your family needs.

I don't think the length of friendship makes a difference either. If you don't have the money, you don't have the money.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If you don't have the money there, he can't spend it, unless you have credit cards *cringe*. If you need things like a new hot water system, maybe it would be a good idea to get in and buy it, before the money is wasted on booze and booty. Lol, I was just kidding about the booty, just liked the rhyme, heh.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Exactly......but it is sooo very hard to turn down a great friend /family member when they are getting married...on one hand you want to share in the festivities and then on the other your mind just keeps adding up the expenses......

I remember back to my brothers wedding....All six of us, Dh, me and our 4 kids all stood up in the wedding.... I was so happy to be part of it....but we had to use all of our income tax refund to pay for it.......eeekkk


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

if the depth of a friendship is based on monetary funds

it's not really a friendship at all


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> When my kids gots married..2004...it was not like this. I cannot believe a bachelor party could be this expensive. Holy cow! I would have to bow out I guess...pride or no pride. Your family comes first. You don't owe friends anything. That's just ridiculous.


:iagree:


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Actually, my point is if this is a lifelong friend then $1,000 isn't much to support him in his celebration.


It most certainly IS a lot of money, if you don't have it to spare! Actually, for some people, like me, that's a lot to come up with all at once, regardless.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Why doesn't he go for one night, not the whole weekend? That way he shows face and you save some money. He takes the bus round trip, cost little to nothing. Shares a room, split the cost. No way he is spending $1000, unless he is a gambler.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

It sounds like the H will have to come to the realization by himself. OP, maybe you can do as another poster suggested and just ask how the family can afford it. He'll have to think about it and maybe come to the conclusion (hopefully) that it is not possible.

This way, it won't seem as though you are nagging and ruining his fun. He'll have made the decision all by himself.

I totally get the selfish thing: he wants to do what he wants, when he wants. Alas, these are character traits difficult to break...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP. I would put my foot down if I were you. My wife and kids always came first when it comes to needs.
New water heater, both of you working? Not even a question in my mind. I might be an ass but I have no respect for men who don't put there family's needs before his wants.

I have always been the primary or sole breadwinner and I haven't done a lot that I wanted to because men make sure their family is taken care of first.

I think men who don't put their family first are boys who can shave.

Don't enable him. Let him know you need him to be responsible and so do his kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

LoveMy2Boys said:


> Hi all,
> I am a 36 married mother of 2 boys, ages 8 and 2. My husband and I have been married for over 12 years. He has a friend who is getting married this May. He just asked him last month to be one of two best men in the wedding. He lives in D.C., we live in NY. His whole family is also in NY. Because he lives in D.C. and the other best man is from D.C., he told my husband he wants a weekend bachelor party in Atlantic City.
> My husband and I both work full time. We are able to pay our bills with a little extra to go out to eat once in a while, etc. This whole bachelor party to me sounds like nonsense. He visits NY at least one weekend a month. They are coming in March for the bride's wedding shower. I told my husband he should just plan something here and make it a one day thing with all of the NY friends. I think it's unfair of my husband to expect to spend $1000 (we figured out together it would cost this much with all they want to do) and to leave for the whole weekend, Friday - Sunday night, when we have two young kids at home who don't see their parents all week. I have never taken a night trip away from my children. I don't think my husband is being reasonable. What do you all think?


The financial choice is one, and allowing him off the leesh is another. You two have to decide on finances, however, if he does not go, then he is making a sacrifice for you and the family and it should be deeply appreciated.

As for allowing him off the leesh for the weekend, I see no problem. I imainge he can change the weekend he visits you and being the Best Man is a big deal.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I thought the best man was supposed to PLAN the bachelor party and keep it a suprise, but not PAY for the whole thing.

I don't see how it could cost $1000 unless your husband loses a ton of money gambling. 

For a bachelor party scenario, he should be planning 5 guys per hotel room... All the guys who show up contribute for the groom, and try to get at least 10 guys to show up.... If it's so few guys to make it unaffordable, then it would not be a fun bachelor party anyway.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sorry if my previous post was too harsh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Weddings and the pre-parties have gotten so out of control it's sickening to me. People who live almost pay check to pay check see these amazing weddings and parties on tv then they expect to be able to have the same thing. There are far better more responsible things to put your hard earned money to than $1000 on a weekend of drunken debauchery. Not that I'm against drunken debauchery...but there are cheaper ways to have a great and memorable weekend.

Also, how good of friends can they be when he was asked a mere month ago to do this when the wedding is in may? Sounds to be like they needed more money for the pot so they invited a back up best man who wasn't first choice. Or maybe they just started planning this wedding in which case they should have started planning a lot sooner if they expect people to shell out that kind of cash.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Why doesn't he go for one night, not the whole weekend? That way he shows face and you save some money. He takes the bus round trip, cost little to nothing. Shares a room, split the cost. No way he is spending $1000, unless he is a gambler.


That's a great idea!!!:smthumbup:


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

over20 said:


> Great point.....if money is the issue why did the OP's DH agree to be the best man if he can't afford it?


Because it shouldn't be about money. One can be a best man and can bow out of a bachelor party if he can't afford it.

You don't pick a best man based on how much money he makes.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Since when are bachelor parties weekend long events ? Damn, I must be old ! LOL

I went to MANY B- parties back in the day, and only one of them was an over nighter. Which ironically OP, was also in AC.

I think the real issue here OP is the money though. Doesn't sound like you guys have that kind of money to spend on something like this. AC is over priced anyway. 

A grand for a bachelor party seems outrageous to me. And I have been to ones with rented halls, rented buses, all manor of "entertainment" present, etc and never spent more than maybe 1/10 of that.


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