# How do I stop being who I have been all my life?



## desp2keepfamily (Sep 6, 2010)

We have been married for 11 years next month but have been together for 18 years. We have one daughter, who is our world. 

Our fights tend to go the same way everytime. Something really stupid happens, he gets upset. I get upset don't stop to think and wind up making things worse, then he gets more upset, he explains what I did, I cry and we fight about how this always happens. Well he is now really tired of the whole thing. He wants me to stop arguing with him, wants me to "let him win sometimes" to "just let things go and I can't be right all the time". See here's the thing when something happens I need to explain myself and make my point known. I know Just don't do that but it is hard I've been this way all my life. I react before I think.
The other issue is I have been dishonset with him when it comes to the finances. Basically he knew we were tight but I did not let him know how tight. This happend more than once. 

So he has no trust in me at all right now. (don't blame him) And then a few days ago we had another stupid misunderstanding which I made worse because I had to get my point across. I don't know just don't know. This last fight happened Friday. We haven't talked or at least a meaningful talk since. I say things like good morning and I do get reponses back but I try to talk about things like work, and I get one word answers. He says he wants to see a dramatic change in me and quickly because he can't do this anymore and I am causing our marriage to fail.

What the he** can I do?


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

The next time you have a discussion with him, first of all:

LISTEN without interrupting or thinking about your side of things, just listen.

then, when he has finished what he is saying

REPEAT it back to him, WITHOUT excuses, defenses etc. Keep in mind how important it is to your marriage for you to make this effort.

Then, ASK if that's what he said.

THINK about his side, put yourself in HIS SHOES.

This is a man who you love and have been married to for 11years, I imagine you will be able to empathise with how he is feeling to some degree.

Then TELL HIM how you understand why he feels that way, again without excuses or getting defensive.

Then, let him know you need time to digest what he has said. Go and think about what he told you and what he wants. Think of solutions to the problem that he might be happy with. Go back to him and tell him. You may not need to go away to do this, but it sounds like you may need to ponder his side for a little while.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Oh, and to get him to be more receptive to talking to you, try to do a few things for him during the day that you know he likes, like making his favourite meal, or giving him a shoulder massage, or mixing a drink for him that he really likes etc. You would know what these things are. 

Don't do these things because you expect something from him, but instead to show your love for him. Keep it going, surprise him with little things here and there. Keep it mixed up if you can, and it doesn't have to be the same thing every day or even every week, but it should be given without strings attached.


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Some of the best marriage advice I've ever received was "Never ruin an apology with an excuse."

If you are wrong, don't explain your reasoning. Just say you are sorry and work on doing better next time. 

If you really need to get it out, tell someone else. Write in a journal the explanation of why you did what you did, but don't tell your husband.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hope you don’t mind a man butting in. My wife wasn’t good on the communication front. In essence I rarely felt “heard” and even more rarely felt “understood”.

Why? People learn some seriously dysfunctional ways of communicating. They “stonewall” by either talking over the other person or walking away and slamming doors. They deny, denial is seriously wrong. They blame. They minimise the affect on the other person.

How do they learn these dysfunctional ways of communicating? It’s very simple. They learn it from their parents. My wife’s dysfunctional ways were exactly the same as her mother’s dysfunctional ways.

I think that’s what’s behind your question “How do I stop being who I have been all my life?”. Because it’s how you saw your parents behave, it’s what you picked up and you’ve been like it all your life.

How do you learn better ways of communicating? Well you need to unlearn all you learnt as a child and learn new and better ways of communicating.

How do you do that? You certainly cannot do it by reading books and learning “on the go” with your husband. The dynamics between you are deeply entrenched and dysfunctional. You need a communication coach between the two of you. Think on this as an investment in a “lifetime skill”. The payback on the investment will not only have benefit for your marriage but outside your marriage as well.

There are though some books you can read that will help you along the way. Steven Covey’s 7 Habits is excellent, it has a chapter devoted to communication. Message is “Seek first to understand and then seek to be understood”.

Bob






desp2keepfamily said:


> We have been married for 11 years next month but have been together for 18 years. We have one daughter, who is our world.
> 
> Our fights tend to go the same way everytime. Something really stupid happens, he gets upset. I get upset don't stop to think and wind up making things worse, then he gets more upset, he explains what I did, I cry and we fight about how this always happens. Well he is now really tired of the whole thing. He wants me to stop arguing with him, wants me to "let him win sometimes" to "just let things go and I can't be right all the time". See here's the thing when something happens I need to explain myself and make my point known. I know Just don't do that but it is hard I've been this way all my life. I react before I think.
> The other issue is I have been dishonset with him when it comes to the finances. Basically he knew we were tight but I did not let him know how tight. This happend more than once.
> ...


----------



## Annie Mouse (Sep 8, 2010)

It sounds like there are some deep rooted problems beyond communication. Bless your heart for feeling responsible and wanting to change 'you' in the hope that will make everything better. 
As you said that it is the same kind of arguement that happens over and over then something that he says triggers you to react in the way that he does not like and it's been going on like that for longer than you can remeber most likely.
He's told you to change but is he in turn changing also? I don't mean has he said he'll change, I mean what is he actually 'doing' to show change.
You guys have trained each other and that's why these similar arguements keep happening. There is a trigger in something that he says that makes you feel you have to defend your point. Listen to the argument next time and see if you can pinpoint where it goes from you feeling okay to you feeling you have to defend your point. 
If you are the only one to change your attitude so that these fights do not occur and you see that he stays the same there is a good chance that you will end up resenting that. Try to learn how to communicate as a joint activity and you can both learn how to talk without setting off each others defensive modes.
No matter how responsible you are, I know you are not 100% responsible, so cut yourself some slack and feel good about the fact that you want to work toward improvement.
Communication is not about one person knowing how to listen and respond, it's about all parties knowing how to listen and respond.


----------



## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

to 2keep,

I don't know where yer spirituality belief system lies but our only real hope of an answer to yer thread question of "[How do I stop being who I have been all my life?" is Jesus. I don't know if that sounds trite or cliche to you but honestly, me and billions of others (living and deceased) could tell you amazing personal stories of how this is so/true.

I don't think it would take "billions" but thats just to let u know how much/many are available to you in this world of ours.

I commend u are on the right track by RECOGNITION of yer negative contribution to yer marital problems. Many a H/W dont get past this 1st step (recognition).

u can try other methods but, they won't change u from the *inside-out* as Jesus (and the Holy Spirit) does.Therefore these "other" outside-in methods arent as effective and/or not as long-lasting to solve yer problems.

I pray for u to find God thru his son Jesus if u havent already done so in yer life. And if u have before, then renew your ties to him as the scripture says "...seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you." --matt 6:33 

As always, the freedom of choice is yours. make yours the right one.

u r welcome to PM me or read/post in relationships and spirituality where we discuss matters such as these more often than seen in the other forums on TAM.

"my peace i leave with you" (John 14:27)----------ray:


----------



## sunshine31 (Feb 1, 2010)

Breeze, your advice is wonderful but ever so hard. I can understand taking that route a lot of the time, but what happens when you end up having to swallow your thoughts and feelings all of the time? If your husband gets mad at you for stating your opinion on something, you are not "wrong" and have every right to state it, just as they have the right to state theirs. My husband used to say that one of the reasons he was marrying me was because I didn't put up with his crap. But now it seems that all it does is make him upset and we get into arguments which have recently resulted in him saying some really horrible things. I feel like I could say 100 times that I understand him, but as soon as I state my opinion or turn the finger around at him as he has been doing to me...he gets even more upset and it just gets worse. If I roll over and be compliant and understand everything he wants, how do I get to a place of being able to express myeslf?


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Hey Sunshine31,

Theoretically, once your partner feels like they are being heard and understood, they will be much more open to what you have to say, and more willing to practice that same empathy with you. However, practicing understanding and empathy with your partner does not mean you have to agree with them, or that your own opinion and feelings are invalid, but to be understood, we must first strive to understand.

I had a stalemate with my own partner about something that happened. I felt he wronged me and that it was up to him to say sorry, however, he refused to as he believed he had done nothing wrong, and that I had misunderstood, therefore causing myself the hurt. It remained unresolved. A few weeks went by and I brought it up again as it still bothered me, and despite me controlling my temper, we ended up with the same stalemate. 

I decided to do the one thing I hadn't been doing to resolve the issue, which was to tell him I understood why he did what he did, and that I understood he hadn't intended it to hurt me. A great leap of faith on my part, as he might've just turned around and said, 'good, you get it', and that was that. Instead he apologised for hurting my feelings. If I had not taken that leap, we might still have that sitting between us, just adding that bit of resentment that sits on top of many other bits of resentment, which builds up over a long space of time.

If one partner seems unwilling to make any sort of progression towards understanding their partners side, I imagine it would make it extremely difficult to resolve anything.


----------



## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

I totally totally agree w/ u breeze.

one must not only be brave enough to step out/stick neck out but also be prepared for the possiblity that yer H/W is/can be/will be a jerk and respond inappropriately or not at all.

i know when my W has surprised me w/ this "tactic" i am 99% cooperative. only times i miss/missed was when i thought/knew she wasnt being genuine w/ me.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Once read a sentence: When you fight with your spouse, do you want to win the argument or win his heart? You win the argument, you lose his heart. You lose the argument, you win his heart. What is more important?

From then on, when I get upset over my husband, I just try hard to control myself, because I want to win his heart. I want my heart to be peaceful too. What a big deal, he is a man, he wants to be stubborn and silly, so let him be................silly men!!!   

Fighting is never good.................... arguments get you nowhere...............except misery.....................


----------

