# I have destroyed the trust in our relationship



## Monty19 (Sep 7, 2011)

Hi all,

I was hoping for some advice on trust and this is a little tricky as I'm the one in the wrong.

Just before we got married my wife an I had a great trusting relationship, but on my stag do we all went to a strip joint and she found out. She was pissed off about the strip joint, but deverstaed that I had looked her in the eye and lied about it, she was deverstated as I wasn't the person she fell in love with.

Because of this she got suspicious and went into my work emails wihich included some 'flirty banter' with two girls I know. It was totally innocent, but in hindsight looked pretty bad.

I have spent the last year trying to rebuild our trust, but twice she has found out that I had been looking at porn online...and our trust was undermined again. She asks me why and I can honestly say I don't know, I still find her attractive but now can't convince her of this. I was also caught out lying about some other bits, not out of being malicious, but to protect us.

Any thoughts on good ways to apologise and slowly build our trust up would be really appreciated.

...and yes, I know I've been an idiot and I hate myself for hurting her.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Monty19 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I was hoping for some advice on trust and this is a little tricky as I'm the one in the wrong.
> 
> ...


First there is nothing innocent about "filthy banter" with two other women you know. You need to address and understand this before you can fully apologize for it or understand what this did to your W.

Second, there is no such thing as lying to protect "us." Lying is a selfish act and protects only the liar. Secrecy and lies are the enemy of a good healthy marriage. 

The question you ask, how to apologize and build trust? Apologizing is easy, honest, straight forward, and fully accountable. "Honey, I'm so very sorry for lying to you all those times, I was wrong, I hurt you and I will never do it again." It's just that simple but do not try to justify or minimize your actions or you invalidate your apology and will pretty much just be lying again. As for rebuilding trust, that is much harder. The real question is how do I convince my wife I'm not lying to her any more (assuming your not). Actions. You can only prove this by your actions over time. There is no easy short way. You've earned your wife's suspicion, now you have to earn back her trust. Give her complete transparency into your world, give her all the passwords to email, social media, your phone - everything. Show her you have nothing to hide.


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## Monty19 (Sep 7, 2011)

Sorry, it was flirty not filthy!! Wrong but not that wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

It sounds like you are making excuses for your behavior and she can probably see right through it. If you really care about your relationship with this woman you will be honest and take responsibility for your actions - and most importantly, you will not participate in whatever actions it is that is getting you to this point. If your wife found out you went to a strip club without telling her and lied to her - then months down the road she finds you flirting with other women at work - she is not going to trust you at all. You have to be open and honest with each other and YOU need to take responsibility for your actions. 

You say "I have spent the last year trying to rebuild our trust" but then, in the same sentence, you say "but twice she has found out that I had been looking at porn online." To me, that means you were not trying to rebuild the trust. If you were, you would have asked her feelings on porn, and if she felt uncomfortable with it - you would have left it at that and not looked at it.

As someone else stated, your lies are not to protect "us" it is to protect yourself - and that is the first thing you need to change to fix your relationship. Stop lying to her.


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## Monty19 (Sep 7, 2011)

Thanks, 

Sorry I wasn't trying to make excuses I am contrite and that last post sounded flippant.

I guess only time will tell. Time with absolute honesty
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why are you flirting with other women? You are married. Stop doing that. Stop talking to those two other women. Where are they from? Work? Social gatherings? Explain. 

And don't lie to your wif eabout anything. You see, secrets always have a way of revealing themself. 

Ask her what you can do to restore the trust in your marriage. Earn her trust back. END ALL CONTACT with the women you were flirting with. Immediately. No contacting/calling/FB'ing them. Delete them completely from your life.


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## Monty19 (Sep 7, 2011)

The flirting was stopped as soon as it surfaced, I didn't even realise how bad it was until reading back. It was at work and stopped a year ago.

i mentions it as it was the first crack in our trust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well it's good you've stopped it. Keep it that way.

Ask her what you can do to earn her trust back and commit to doing it. Also, offer to go to MC w/ her. Call up and set an appointment.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Well first off you need to stop lying to her to spare her feelings. Just stop doing things that you have to lie about.. It is that simple.


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## Energy (Sep 9, 2011)

Only in time can you earn the trust back. Be good for long enough, and it will come back.

As for porn, be more creative in the bedroom, then you'll have little to no use for porn.


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