# Thinking of Moving Out



## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

As noted from other posts, I have an on-going problem with my husband and his work ethic. He works part time but still manages to miss a lot of time. I often wonder how he still has a job. About a month ago, there was a new development with this issue, I found out he had been lying to me about going to work. Turns out he had he had been missing work but had been telling me he was going. He pretty much got caught in the lie one night while we were out and had to confess because we were with a group of friends. I was upset for a few days but his birthday came up and I didn’t want to let my anger ruin his day. We also went on a vacation around the same time although I was still upset I was able to decompress.

Flash forward to yesterday, I was out with a friend and she had told me my husband had missed two days of work this week. I knew about the one day he took off but not the other. I confronted my husband about it and he said he had worked Monday and Tuesday like he was scheduled so maybe my friend was wrong. (My friend’s husband is my husband’s supervisor. I usually try not to discuss work matters with my friend but I guess lately her husband has been upset that my husband misses work because he has to do my husband’s share of work.) Now, due to my husband’s previous lie I’m not too sure I believe that he was at work. It’s a horrible feeling but I have known my husband to stretch the truth at times. I was also upset because both days he was off no housework had been done. 

This leads me to the 2nd part of my post. As mentioned, his work ethic has been on-going problem for years and I don’t see it getting any better unless action is taken. It really upsets me that my husband doesn’t contribute as much as he can both financially and keeping the house clean. Even with all his time off, I still do a fair amount of chores. With that in mind, I have pondered moving out temporarily to give him a reality check and to give myself perspective. I have asked him to leave before when we had some big issues years ago, he refused and usually just stayed in the spare room for a few days until things cooled down. Not the best solution because I still have the same issues with him. I do know that if we take time apart I will be the one who has to leave which is fine with me. The only issue with that is all the bills and house are in my name and my husband can’t afford to maintain the house on his own. I also think out of spite he would refuse to pay any of the bills and just let things lapse. I think me paying for the house and bills would defeat the whole purpose of me moving out. I have no family in town but could rent an apartment. He has a brother in town and he could live with him and he could leave me with the house until we figure things out. Again, my husband refuses to that for some unknown reason. We have discussed moving out before. The only other option could be my husband moving back with his parents. About 5 years ago, my husband moved out temporarily for 6 months due to mental health issues and lived with his parents. This was all on his own accord as I didn’t push him out of the home. He just felt that his parents could help him more than I could. (My husband is a bit of a mama’s boy). When he returned this is when issues started arising with work and contributing to the household. He worked less and contributed less and less as time went on. I do believe this happened because I let it. I kept telling myself that things would change once he felt more mentally stable and they never did. Work also lets him continually miss days. I have no idea why but I think it is because we live in a small town and good help is hard to find.

Does anyone have any suggestions for my situation? I feel like things with my husband have gone on for TOO long and if things continue the way they are, he will continue to walk all over me and I will lose all faith in him as a husband, provider, partner.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I am assuming that he has ongoing mental health issues and/or uses drugs? You mention mental stability in your post. Can you clarify?

What is he doing to help himself. Often, with mental health issues the families enable the person. He isn't changing anytime soon. It seems that you are more the parent than the wife at this point. 

I am sure it's difficult, for you, to carry the burden of everything including household tasks.


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

He suffers from depression and anxiety. He takes meds to control his mental health but does drink alcohol. As far as I know he doesn't do drugs. He doesn't exercise but we do try to eat as healthy as possible to keep his mental health under control.

His lack of work ethic stems from a back problem. Doctors have cleared him of any medical issues that have related to his back but consistently tell him he must lose weight. We have seen about 3 or 4 specialists in regards to this and they have all said the same. I have also told him no more specialists until he makes an effort to lose weight. If he does and the back problems continue I may seek more medical care for him.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

So he is depressed and doesn't have the interest to improve his lot in life. I know depression can rob him of his desire/need to work but as he is aware, as are you, and this has gone on for a long time, I understand your struggle. Has he sought work that doesn't involve hurting his back? I'm guessing not. 

He lies to your face when he knows his supervisor is your friend? I mean, he KNOWS you'll find out, right? 

If he doesn't leave and you do, you can transfer the utilities to your new place and tell him "power is going to be cut of on 00/00/00 so you'll need to establish it in your name prior to that date". I worried about the same thing when I left my ex. I did not give him notice, though. I totally expected him to run the heat full blast and open all of the doors and windows, etc. Instead he stopped paying the mortgage and continued to live there for 9 months.

So your concern is valid - if you leave he may fall into an even deeper depression and cease work altogether, leaving you to deal with creditors. If I were you, I'd contact an attorney and talk to his brother. Is his name also on the mortgage? You would have to give him notice to vacate in writing, usually 30 days. An attorney could help you go through the process with the least exposure to financial risk.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Also, if he has depression, he shouldn't drink - it is, after all, a depressant. He ought to stop if he really wants to solve his problems.


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Has he sought work that doesn't involve hurting his back? I'm guessing not.


No, his work has been very accommodating by placing him on light duty and working around his back. He only works 4-5 hours 3 days a week to not overexert his back.

He hasn't mentioned this in a couple years but for a while he thought the solution was to move closer to his parents. I didn't see it as a viable solution as jobs in my field are difficult to come by and I didn't want to end up in a situation where I was scrambling for a job to support us. I told him once he moved back up to full time I'd consider it but that hasn't happened yet. The purpose was if I couldn't mind a job in my field, I could take something else even if it was less pay because I could always lean on him for support. Right now, I can't.

I'm not too sure about contacting a lawyer just yet. I'm not looking to divorce. We also don't own a house, we rent. His name is not on lease because I handled the situation and he had no interest in taking part. I guess I could have the landlord switch the lease to his name solely. The only downside is, it would change the agreement. We have a pretty good deal on rent so if I took my name off, our landlord could make up a new agreement and increase the rent substantially. Right now, me moving out is temporary.

As for talking with his brother, I don't want to get family involved. If he were to move out, I want him to make the arrangements with his brother and not me because if things don't work with that arrangement I could blamed for it. His brother is aware of my husband's "laziness" so I know he would be understanding of the situation. I just don't want to orchestrate it. My husband needs to stand on his own two feet and he needed a place to crash he should find that place on his own.


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Also, if he has depression, he shouldn't drink - it is, after all, a depressant. He ought to stop if he really wants to solve his problems.


He does know this but he feels his drinking is under control and doesn't affect his well-being. I have mentioned he stop drinking quite a few times since he was diagnosed but he tells me everything is under control.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

HELL NO, DONT YOU MOVE OUT! YOU are the one working and paying the bills, so not only have you earned the right to be there, he will screw you over if you leave. I see that you know this. He is not a partner to you in any aspect of your lives. 

You need to file for divorce. This will either A) rock his world and make him step up and be a real partner in your marriage, or, B) will get you out of this rotten situation so that you can find a happier life without him. Few things make me as angry as lazy, entitled people who don't want to work, especially men. (yes, I am pretty old fashioned that way, sue me)


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Obviously it is not under control if a) he's still drinking knowing full well it negatively impacts his medication and mental well-being; and, b) the depression is not under control/getting better. If the depression were better, I would think he'd be more engaged and interested in his job and in life.

ETA - do you think it would help him to have him committed? Do you think he's depressed to the point of being dangerous to himself?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> HELL NO, DONT YOU MOVE OUT! YOU are the one working and paying the bills, so not only have you earned the right to be there, he will screw you over if you leave. I see that you know this. He is not a partner to you in any aspect of your lives.
> 
> You need to file for divorce. This will either A) rock his world and make him step up and be a real partner in your marriage, or, B) will get you out of this rotten situation so that you can find a happier life without him. Few things make me as angry as lazy, entitled people who don't want to work, especially men. (yes, I am pretty old fashioned that way, sue me)


I liked this before I read the last line. I think I will sue you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Herschel said:


> I liked this before I read the last line. I think I will sue you.


:grin2::laugh:


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> ETA - do you think it would help him to have him committed? Do you think he's depressed to the point of being dangerous to himself?


I don't think he is a danger to himself. My husband can be pretty dramatic. When he first diagnosed with depression, he was given the diagnosis of mild depression and had never spoken of suicide. Once he was diagnosed, our lives turned upside down. I remember he was diagnosed on a Tuesday and by Wednesday he decided he wanted to move back in with his parents since he couldn't get well where we were (we live in a small town). When I wasn't on board with his idea, he mentioned suicide over and over. I finally gave in and let him go by Saturday. Once back with his parents, he never mentioned suicide again. I honestly thought he would never hurt himself, just mentioned the "s-word" to pressure me into being ok with him leaving.

I think if I were to leave he would self-deconstruct himself...drink, not take of himself but would not put himself in danger.

I honestly don't even know how I would rate his depression. The one thing that troubles me with him is on his days off he is ok but a work day comes along and his back and anxiety flail up. For instance, this week he had Wednesday off so he went out and rode his bike around town, had a couple beers with friends and then woke on Thursday and his back was too sore to go to work. This happens frequently so I admit I sometimes don't take his mental illness seriously.


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> You need to file for divorce. This will either A) rock his world and make him step up and be a real partner in your marriage, or, B) will get you out of this rotten situation so that you can find a happier life without him. Few things make me as angry as lazy, entitled people who don't want to work, especially men. (yes, I am pretty old fashioned that way, sue me)


Good advice, I think I might take some time to ponder this.

Should I open up to others in my life that I am thinking about divorce. I value my marriage and try to keep things private. A couple close friends know that I'm a bit fed up with my husband's work ethic and supporting us but they don't see it as a big deal because I don't go into much detail and have quietly dealt with the problem. I think if I were to file for divorce, it would be a huge bombshell for many people in our lives as they know we have problems like everyone else but seem happy with the way things are.

It seems only the people on TAM know the extent of our problems.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

muffin1983 said:


> I don't think he is a danger to himself. My husband can be pretty dramatic. When he first diagnosed with depression, he was given the diagnosis of mild depression and had never spoken of suicide. Once he was diagnosed, our lives turned upside down. I remember he was diagnosed on a Tuesday and by Wednesday he decided he wanted to move back in with his parents since he couldn't get well where we were (we live in a small town). When I wasn't on board with his idea, he mentioned suicide over and over. I finally gave in and let him go by Saturday. Once back with his parents, he never mentioned suicide again. I honestly thought he would never hurt himself, just mentioned the "s-word" to pressure me into being ok with him leaving.
> 
> I think if I were to leave he would self-deconstruct himself...drink, not take of himself but would not put himself in danger.
> 
> I honestly don't even know how I would rate his depression. The one thing that troubles me with him is on his days off he is ok but a work day comes along and his back and anxiety flail up. For instance, this week he had Wednesday off so he went out and rode his bike around town, had a couple beers with friends and then woke on Thursday and his back was too sore to go to work. This happens frequently so I admit I sometimes don't take his mental illness seriously.


I don't blame you, that's crap. If his back is really that bad, he has no business being on a bike. Sorry to say, but it really sounds like he is just LAZY. 

I know it isn't easy but keep in mind, that if you were to move forward with divorce or separation, his self destruction is his own problem, not yours. He is a grown man responsible for himself and his own well being.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Yup, I've come to the same conclusion. You can't make a man "adult". If he isn't willing, then you need to force his hand by filing for divorce so he either steps up or you're free to find a REAL man.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

your best choice is definitely divorce. you cannot leave the house and trust him to keep your credit intact, he wont leave. He obviously thinks things are fine with you carrying all the weight and there is no reason for him to leave or rock the boat. I would meet with a lawyer about filing and selling your house or getting your names off the bills/utilities. 

You know this is not going to change. The moving out idea is a nice, softer way to make him face the real world but it is not going to work as even if he 'moves' to his brothers he will be back lying around your house drunk whenever he feels like it.


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