# My Story-Nevermoreagain (Was Question from a wayward spouse)



## Nevermoreagain (Feb 12, 2017)

I hope i'm not breaking the rules, but I have tried to post this 3 times and it never showed up. So i thought i would just start a new thread.

There were a lot of people on the list that felt like they knew everything about my situation just from the 2 paragraphs that I wrote the first day I was here. Some of the stuff was correct, but a lot of it was not, and a tiny bit was so far off base it wasn't even funny.

Let me start by saying that at first I was just going to leave the forum, and still have the "ceremony". But after the initial feelings, I thought wait a cotton picking minute! These are people that have been through the same situation my husband has, AND THEY ARE ALL SAYING THE SAME THING! So, I went home on my lunch hour that day, put the shirt in a bag (our trash has to be in a bag or the trash man won't pick it up) and through it in the trash can. Done and Done. I want to thank everyone who counseled to just get rid of it. It was excellent advice, i see that now.

BUT.... As i said, some of the suppositions were wrong, so I thought if i'm going to be part of this forum, I needed to share somethings about our situation.

A lot of you said that in my original post i didn't say i loved my husband. If you would read it you would see that I said that he was my life. I love my husband very much, he is actually my soulmate. Too bad I didn't think about that last year when this was all starting. I truly believe that i will never forgive myself for the pain that I have caused this dear man. As far as me being a precious snowflake goes. On D day, I handed my husband my cell phone-If i need to make a call i use his, and i try to make sure he is in the room with me. I decided that day that i would never go on facebook again. I haven't and i never will. I wrote down all my passwords and I gave them to my husband. I deleted all my email accounts, and I made sure that my whole life is an open book. We work together so we are together now 24/7. The other day when i went home to throw my shirt away was the first time i've been out by myself in a very long time. I ask him to take me everywhere I need to go, and he is happy to.

What happened? I don't know if I can answer that completely yet. But mainly Stupidity and Selfishnes with the emphasis on Selfish. There were things going on between us and in my past that made me VULNERABLE to having an affair, but that is not an excuse. I could have at any moment said no, and i didn't. I just went with the flow, and destroyed everything that i loved. If someone had asked me before all this happened if i would have an affair i would have said absolutely not! How naive i was. As far as feelings during, I felt guilty about it, but sadly not guilty enough to stop. I was too addicted to the sweet talk (God help me, I fell for it). And as far as the other man is concerned, My husband asked me to have no more contact with him, and I haven't. Even if he had not asked me I wouldn't have. I had already decided that. Then after the affair fog lifted (in hours, not days) with clarity I realized just what a jackass I had been dealing with, and I was even worse than that. My husband decided right at the beginning (after the shock wore off) that he wanted to stay together. That was a year ago. I didn't --and don't--deserve his love, but he gave it. I believe that is what the Christian religion calls Grace. I said this before, this man is my life. I love him deeply and i know now that he loves me as well. I will spend the rest of my life, doing what i can to make his life better. 

I'm not going to use the mistake, but it was a very big error in Judgement, a whole lot of self-centeredness, that put me (us) in this situation.

However, everyday I tell the whole truth, that i am completely transparent, that i am where i say i'm going to be, when i am supposed to be there, I feel that we are starting our new marriage on the right foot. I'm not saying that things have been easy. There has been a lot of Angry Words, Tears, and Pain on both sides, but finally we are starting to come to a place where we are laughing together again and it feels good. very good.

I hope that explains a little bit of my situation. I understand that a lot of the harsh or --let's face it--hateful message were from betrayed spouses who were angry and hurt. At first, I was upset that you were making my situation out to be something that it wasn't, but then i tried to put myself in your shoes (as I do with my husband everyday) and i thought, you know....I might have said a lot worse. But I would like to ask that in the future, please don't just assume something about me, just because that was the way it was in your situation. I'm a wayward spouse, but not YOUR wayward spouse. Please save your Vitrol for them. I will answer all questions honestly so ask before you post something that you think is the truth. Thank you. Honest attempts at helping are greatly appreciated even if it sounds harsh, just not talking out of your......hat.....about something you don't know anything about.

And again, thank you for the good advice.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Nevermoreagain said:


> I hope i'm not breaking the rules, but I have tried to post this 3 times and it never showed up. So i thought i would just start a new thread.
> 
> There were a lot of people on the list that felt like they knew everything about my situation just from the 2 paragraphs that I wrote the first day I was here. Some of the stuff was correct, but a lot of it was not, and a tiny bit was so far off base it wasn't even funny.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the update. I think you made the right decision. First off, on this board, as with many others, you have to look for the posts that can help you and overlook the ones that can't. There are a lot of people here who have been hurt badly and assume that every WS is the same. You seem to have remourse and you are working with your husband to regain trust. That is a huge first step. I think your marriage will be stronger as years go by. 

I do want to warn you that you will need to dig deep to figure out why you did this. It may not be as simple as just wanting attention. You need to know why you needed that attention and address it. Why were your boundaries so poorly defined? 

Although you need to show your husband you are completely open now, be careful of losing your individuality here. You can have your own life too, just make sure you have boundaries and that you are open for your husband. It sounds to me like you have surrendered your individuality. That is not sustainable over the long haul. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> Thanks for the update. I think you made the right decision. First off, on this board, as with many others, you have to look for the posts that can help you and overlook the ones that can't. There are a lot of people here who have been hurt badly and assume that every WS is the same. You seem to have remourse and you are working with your husband to regain trust. That is a huge first step. I think your marriage will be stronger as years go by.
> 
> I do want to warn you that you will need to dig deep to figure out why you did this. It may not be as simple as just wanting attention. You need to know why you needed that attention and address it. Why were your boundaries so poorly defined?
> 
> ...


I agree with the above. Like you I betrayed my husband and one thing he refuses to do is to keep me like chained dog (which is how I'd feel, not saying you do) or in his own words "treat you like a child." My BH has access to any and all my passwords, my phone which I never keep locked, etc etc and yet he has told me that if he had to take on the task of watching my every move and motoring my entire life then how is he to believe that I am with him because I genuinely want to be with him or whether I am being faithful nd respectful towards him only because I know I am being watched?
Of course you seem to be okay with the way you are living your life and it seems to be working for you and your husband. As long as you both are happy I guess it is okay. But I know I wouldn't want that kind of monitoring and frankly my husband and I having one child at home is enough as I would feel like his child if he had to take me everywhere and be with me every where I am. It just wouldn't be possible.
Good luck.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Nevermoreagain

I skimmed through your other thread, sorry I didn't have much time. I am glad you have chosen to just throw the shirt away. Speaking as a betrayed spouse, some items, events, words, etc, can cause me to trigger. It is important that you try to identify when your husband is triggering, and what to do if he does. 

You sound as if the reconciliation is going well, and you have entered into therapy. Are you also doing marriage counseling? I don't know if your husband one day admitted the shirt reminded him of the affair or if he continuously brings it up. Being over a year out I would imagine he has forgiven you. If he has forgiven you and the shirt triggered him fine, but if he continuously brings up the affair that is wrong to do. While he is not to forget the affair, he does need to move past the affair. 

I wish you well in your recovery, you seem to understand the destruction and devastation your choices have made. Your road will be long and difficult, but it can be done. You have made a year and that is no small feat.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There are some people here who see in every wayward spouse a distorted house of mirrors version of their own wayward spouse.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You go girl! You go for throwing away the shirt and for sticking up for yourself! People on this forum can't distinguish the difference between a bad decision and a bad person. 
Welcome to the forum


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I know very well of the guilt and inability to forgive oneself. Even if you can't forgive yourself right now, know that you are a valuable, wonderful, kind-hearted, and very loved person. Look after yourself, please.


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