# I love rollercoasters, but not this one



## Hanging on for hope (Mar 18, 2013)

I have very similar situation to alot of people here. And pretty much follows the script to a T.

My details:
Me:32
W:29

Married for 6 years, together for 8, no kids. Relationship, i thought, was great. Had vacations, get togethers, nice house, enjoyed doing normal couple things together. I was never much of a bar guy so we didn't really go out and party much. Once in a while. And sometimes I would fight it and rather stay at home. Things did seem to get a little routine the last couple years. We would talk about doing new things but when it came around to finding something, neither one could figure out what to do. 

2 weeks ago she comes up to me and asks to talk. She is unhappy, has been for quite a while. We never do anything and when she tries to get me to go out when friends come into town, i fight it. (yes guilty, but always wanted to change that). Says she wants some time apart to see how she feels. Originally she decides to give us 2 months to see if things can turn around, but ultimately decides to take a break. I tell her I want to change these things and I'm committed to becoming a better person. 

2 days before she leaves she's acting a little weird with her phone when I walk by her. I get suspicious. Never had a reason to not trust her. I ask if there is anything else going on. She says no. I check the phone records and see texts to a new number. Just started that day. So the day before she leaves I, not really wanting to, check her phone while shes in the shower. Sure enough, texts from some new guy talking about going to see a movie tomorrow, the day she leaves. She started at the gym about a month ago. This guy works there. She came home and said he was a creeper, apparently not anymore. 

She says he's just a friend and she needs to hang out with someone and have fun because we never do. All her good girlfriends live out of state. She has one female friend at work who is young (25) and likes to party. We went out with her and her bf a few times, but I felt awarkward even though I didn't want to. I wanted to let loose. 

Anyway, she leaves to stay at her parents and I fear she won't come back. I say that we are still married and this is not a "Friends" break. She says to trust her and respect her. What other choice do I have really. The first weekend was miserable. I checked the phone records and they are texting all day everyday. I did alot of self reflection. I realize things go deeper than just going out. There have been times where I have been selfish and unsupportive. We had been going back and forth about having kids, I wanted, she never did. She started trying for me but we were having problems. I told her I would never leave if she couldn't have kids. And after a while I started thinking if I really would want kids with anyone but her. I started to come to the realization that I just want her and no kids would be fine. Of course all this is too late. 

She's not sure what she wants. But while this other guy is involved, she will not be thinking about me and the good times we had. It has been 10 days. Yesterday she came over to grab some more clothes and we sat down and I said my piece. I admitted to my faults and did not like the person I was becoming. I committed to becomig a better person and husband. Her response was that she told me about these things before and why didn't I do anything about them at that time. She thinks she has great communication skills, but in reality they are lacking. The way we delt with problems was I had to leave her alone instead of talk until she cooled down, and then she was fine. Either that or she would drink. Then I was blamed for her drinking all the time. I always wanted to talk things out. She basically said she had no faults in this, will not see a counselor, and wants to try to take care of herself. She's never been on her own. 

Part of me thinks this an early MLC. I do think our life needed some spice. This is nothing that we couldn't fix. I told her I've said everything I can and I will not contact her anymore. I am going to make myself a better person and hopefully it benefits you instead of the next woman. She could not look me in the eye and say she didn't love me. She didn't want to make a decision about D. I think theres hope but she has to realize the grass isn't greener. There's nothing I can do right now except make myself happy. I still have alot of ups and downs and fear this is just the beginning of a long journey. Reading some of these reconcilation stories gives me hope.


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## Hanging on for hope (Mar 18, 2013)

zappy88200 said:


> Brother - I think there is much hope in your case. But please don't beg or plead her and act like yuo don't care much.
> 
> If she loves you and wants to be with you - she will come around but if she already had made her mind to leave you, she will not come back, which does NOT sounds like the case.
> 
> ...


Thank you, this is my plan. Our talk yesterday was the last contact I plan to have with her. She did send an email today about a financial issue, I will respond in time with the least amount of words neccessary.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Wake up, dude. She's dating the new guy.

She says she has been upset for a long time, but in reality, this started when the new guy worked his magic on her at the gym. Now she just blames you for her leaving, when it's really just her way to get out and screw the new guy.

She IS having sex with the new guy.

She also blames you for her drinking...and you eat all her 5HIT! 

You are the beta boy, and she left you for the alpha man. Sorry, but that is the truth, and she is not the woman you thought she was.

She, like all cheaters, is a selfish piece of trash who will shift all of the blame on you so that she doesn`t have to own up to her actions.

You need to expose to everyone, file for divorce, and concentrate on you exclusively. You were not good enough for her, and even if she wants you back one day, it will only be because her plan A (dude from gym who she`s banging right now) fell through.

180, MMSL, and NMMNG. Read those, pronto.

Chin up man...you didn`t make her cheat...she did, and she has to own that behavior.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Hanging on for hope said:


> I have very similar situation to alot of people here. And pretty much follows the script to a T.


You have read lots of threads here and you're familiar with the "script". But even though you are somewhat "aware" and have gained knowledge from this forum you still seem to have a lot of denial going on. That's part of the BS's script too.



Hanging on for hope said:


> 2 weeks ago she comes up to me and asks to talk. She is unhappy, has been for quite a while. We never do anything and when she tries to get me to go out when friends come into town, i fight it. (yes guilty, but always wanted to change that).


Typical walkaway wife. She's been unhappy, she's bored, she feels like she's missing out on life, she's complained to you many times, you did nothing, she finally had enough. So she is walking away, but holding someone else's hand. 



Hanging on for hope said:


> Says she wants some time apart to see how she feels.


If you've been reading threads, you know that she wants some time apart to see how the other man feels. 



Hanging on for hope said:


> I tell her I want to change these things and I'm committed to becoming a better person.


Problem here is that it's too little, too late. Even "if" you could suddenly pull off this huge transformation, it's for the wrong reasons. It's because you're afraid of losing her not because you really want to make these changes. If you wanted to.. well you would have. And she knows this. 



Hanging on for hope said:


> This guy works there. She came home and said he was a creeper, apparently not anymore. She says he's just a friend


Again, you've read the stories, you know the script. He's no creeper and he's no friend. 



Hanging on for hope said:


> and she needs to hang out with someone and have fun because we never do.


She's being honest here. 



Hanging on for hope said:


> Anyway, she leaves to stay at her parents and I fear she won't come back.


Your concerns are valid. You may have lost her. 



Hanging on for hope said:


> I say that we are still married and this is not a "Friends" break.


Say whatever you want, she's not listening to you and your logical conclusions and what you believe is fair and just based on your marital vows do not apply in her new world. 



Hanging on for hope said:


> She says to trust her and respect her.


Translation: Leave me alone so I can go have an affair and enjoy my life for once since you blew it.



Hanging on for hope said:


> What other choice do I have really.


You can dig for evidence and then if and when you find it you can use some of the strategies advocated on this thread to "break her from her affair fog". Or, you can accept what may be inevitable and just go live your own life. 



Hanging on for hope said:


> She's not sure what she wants. But while this other guy is involved, she will not be thinking about me and the good times we had.


True. 



Hanging on for hope said:


> She basically said she had no faults in this, will not see a counselor, and wants to try to take care of herself. She's never been on her own.


Well of course she's partially to blame but this "blameshifting" thing that cheaters do is part of the script. Much more convenient and easy for her to go have fun without a guilty conscience. 



Hanging on for hope said:


> Part of me thinks this an early MLC.


Whatever it is, it's not going to end well.



Hanging on for hope said:


> I think theres hope but she has to realize the grass isn't greener.


Sometimes it is. In your case she hasn't been happy in a long time so it's not like she's leaving a great situation to gamble on the unknown.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

tulsy said:


> She says she has been upset for a long time, but in reality, this started when the new guy worked his magic on her at the gym.


You don't know that. She could have been unhappy for a long time and then been in a mental state that made her more vulnerable to something happening. Doesn't make it right but your theory is nothing more than conjecture and you state it as "reality".



tulsy said:


> Now she just blames you for her leaving, when it's really just her way to get out and screw the new guy.


Him not addressing her complaints and disregarding her unhappiness is in fact part of the reason she left, it's the root of "walkaway wife" syndrome and he can't simply point the finger at her as being totally at fault, and neither can she put all the blame on him.

But so what? Who really cares who is more at fault. If she's gone..well she's gone. 



tulsy said:


> She also blames you for her drinking...and you eat all her 5HIT!


Again, not "his fault" that she took a bottle to her lips but if she's been unhappy for a long time.. she might have turned to other outlets to deal with her sadness. First it was booze, now it's an affair. He's probably not blameless.



tulsy said:


> You are the beta boy


I'm not seeing where he was a beta prior to her leaving. Sure his reaction post affair discovery has been weak but that doesn't mean he was like that before. If anything, he was just a "disinterested partner". 



tulsy said:


> She, like all cheaters, is a selfish piece of trash who will shift all of the blame on you so that she doesn`t have to own up to her actions.


Everyone is selfish. We all put ourselves first except maybe our children. The only difference is that cheaters are deceptive and they draw their boundaries a bit further in the sand. Doesn't make them "trash". 



tulsy said:


> You need to expose to everyone, file for divorce


He's gotta find more solid proof first.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Hanging on for hope said:


> She's not sure what she wants. But while this other guy is involved, she will not be thinking about me and the good times we had. It has been 10 days. Yesterday she came over to grab some more clothes and we sat down and I said my piece. I admitted to my faults and did not like the person I was becoming. I committed to becomig a better person and husband. Her response was that she told me about these things before and why didn't I do anything about them at that time. She thinks she has great communication skills, but in reality they are lacking. The way we delt with problems was I had to leave her alone instead of talk until she cooled down, and then she was fine. Either that or she would drink. Then I was blamed for her drinking all the time. I always wanted to talk things out. She basically said she had no faults in this, will not see a counselor, and wants to try to take care of herself. She's never been on her own.


Feel free to read my thread(s)... If you add in two kids, your story is exceptionally similar.

I was where you are a little less than a year ago. Now, she's stonewalling me, and I filed for divorce a month ago.

Good Luck... I sincerely hope it works out better for you than it did for me.


Pb.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Dear Hanging on for Hope - 

I just wanted to say I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation, and please know you are in good company here. Keep posting and you'll find this a great resource to help you navigate this ordeal. Sending you vibes of courage and strength!

Best Wishes, - A12


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

All of this advice is great, so i will give you a little more. Everyone handles this situation different, some want to take their time and make sure that it is what it is. Others like myself get the ball moving pretty quickly. My story is like many others married 8, together 14, wife unhappy, love you not in love with you. Only thing is there is no other man to my knowledge, I've dug, but have found nothing. Well, long story short, tried MC, went on "Dates" but she had shut me off, she put a wall up, that I could not get through, so i said you want it over have at it. Paperwork should be filed this week, so I know people that it has taken years to end their marriage, for me it took under 3 months. This is just how I am, I'm tired of spinning my tires trying to prove my love to someone that doesn't love me. When we got married she wanted me, now she can't stand me. I have not changed, yea, we might have gotten into a rut, but who doesn't. She can get see if the grass is greener, if it is not, too late, she made her bed. This rodeo comes to town once. 

With that said, if all depends on how you want to handle things. There is a lot f great info on this site, pick what you think will work best for your situation. I know the stories all sound they same, but each one will be handled differently. Good luck!


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

totamm said:


> You don't know that. She could have been unhappy for a long time and then been in a mental state that made her more vulnerable to something happening. Doesn't make it right but your theory is nothing more than conjecture and you state it as "reality".


You know, it's pretty easy for her to pick apart things he should have done in the past...in any relationship, you can look back and ponder things you didn't like and point them out as reasons you left. But, did you not read how the timing of gym guy and her wanting to leave fit together like a glove? This is text book.



totamm said:


> Him not addressing her complaints and disregarding her unhappiness is in fact part of the reason she left, it's the root of "walkaway wife" syndrome and he can't simply point the finger at her as being totally at fault, and neither can she put all the blame on him.
> 
> But so what? Who really cares who is more at fault. If she's gone..well she's gone.


Well, he should care when she "said she had no faults in this"...the "this" being their relationships demise, while she is trying to date the other guy in secrecy.

The relationship failure can't be blamed on one or the other, but her leaving to date the OM can.



totamm said:


> Again, not "his fault" that she took a bottle to her lips but if she's been unhappy for a long time.. she might have turned to other outlets to deal with her sadness. First it was booze, now it's an affair. He's probably not blameless.


You're right...it IS his fault she drinks and has an affair...it's because she's been unhappy for so long. :scratchhead:

#1, It's not his job to make her happy. #2, he IS blameless for her affair.



totamm said:


> I'm not seeing where he was a beta prior to her leaving. Sure his reaction post affair discovery has been weak but that doesn't mean he was like that before. If anything, he was just a "disinterested partner".
> 
> Everyone is selfish. We all put ourselves first except maybe our children. The only difference is that cheaters are deceptive and they draw their boundaries a bit further in the sand. Doesn't make them "trash".
> 
> He's gotta find more solid proof first.


The reasons she gave for leaving his is that they never do anything, and they never go out. She likes to drink and wants to go out and have fun, and it doesn't sound like her husband is in to that. She found a new guy who is into that. Now she will pursue the "good times" with OM, regardless of the emotional toll it takes on her husband. That lack of regard for her husband in this whole affair is trashy. She thinks he's beta, and thinks new fun guy is alpha.

Couple that with "I was blamed for her drinking all the time. I always wanted to talk things out. She basically said she had no faults in this, will not see a counselor, and wants to try to take care of herself", I don't think she wants any boundaries at all...certainly not the boundaries a normal married woman would have. That to me is trashy. Planning to go on a secret date while still packing up her stuff is also quite trashy.

I don't think he needs much more proof. She wants out. Does he really need more proof of that? Does he need to see her with other guy(s)? She left so that he can't get any more "proof"...He could take back some control and file, which is also giving her what she wants. Or he can pine away and hope she comes back to him...and if she does, he will have to live with what she did to him here and now.

He's 32, she's 29...he's lucky he found out who she is before they had kids. They don't sound compatible, judging by how their lifestyles are polar opposites. She wants to go out and drink, he wants to stay home and raise kids.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

lost hunter said:


> All of this advice is great, so i will give you a little more. Everyone handles this situation different, some want to take their time and make sure that it is what it is. Others like myself get the ball moving pretty quickly. My story is like many others married 8, together 14, wife unhappy, love you not in love with you. Only thing is there is no other man to my knowledge, I've dug, but have found nothing. Well, long story short, tried MC, went on "Dates" but she had shut me off, she put a wall up, that I could not get through, so i said you want it over have at it. Paperwork should be filed this week, so I know people that it has taken years to end their marriage, for me it took under 3 months. This is just how I am, I'm tired of spinning my tires trying to prove my love to someone that doesn't love me. When we got married she wanted me, now she can't stand me. I have not changed, yea, we might have gotten into a rut, but who doesn't. She can get see if the grass is greener, if it is not, too late, she made her bed. This rodeo comes to town once.


I really wish I had your strength. It took only a week to end my marriage of almost 8 years (our anniversary is the 25th) and it's tearing me apart. Maybe it would have been different if I was the one who moved for the divorce, but I was just blind-sided with the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "I need time to think, we should separate", "Here are the divorce papers". Yes, all of this happened within the span of a week.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Hank...It was not easy doing what I did, but there was a point when I just gave up. I tried everything I could to keep my marriage afloat, but it takes two. She proved she was not willing to try and fight, and I was not willing to sit by and wait for her to make up her mind. I was not going to be there once she realized that the grass is not greener. I was not going to be a backup plan to my wife. She wanted to see what life is like without me, then so be it. I told her the night that she gave me the I love you not in love with you, that time was not her friend. Everyday away, was one more day, that I was healing, and there would come a time when it was easier for me to keep healing then it was to go back to her. Do I regret my actions? Some days I do, but then when I talk to her, or see her, she is not the same person I married, I do not know what made her change, but she did, and I do not really like the person she has become. Do I miss her and the life I had, pretty much every second of the day, but I know that I will be ok. Do I still have bad days, yea I do. This weekend, I signed the house over to her, and it was rough, but I keep moving on, because I have no other option. I have asked her a couple times if she thought this was the right decision, and she says yes, so that just tells me, that if I was still fighting, I would be losing. It was like laying on your back, and trying to pee up a rope. I was getting nowhere with her, so I started focusing on myself. I wish you the best of luck, it sucks, but it will get better.


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## Hanging on for hope (Mar 18, 2013)

My sadness has started to become anger. Mainly due to everything being blamed on me and absolutely no issue with her. And adding the OM in the picture makes me that much more upset. 

Since she is not living here I don't see any need to try and get proof of anything. I know they talk, text, hang out, and probably more. Exposing anything is just going to be me telling her parents or friends she is "dating" another man. But she'll just say they are friends.

I really don't want to live in our big house anymore. Its full of memories and good times between us that once were. I have no desire to even hang out in my man cave. All that stuff was done together. I know she cant afford the house and am sure she wouldn't want it. If there is no getting through to her I just want to start moving on. 

Its only been 11 days since she left but I don't know how long I want to wait on her to make her "decision". I know I am just a safety net right now. I think that if I file, she may just continue to think she did nothing wrong because I ended it. But if I wait for her to actually do it, I could be waiting months. 

Unfortunately I broke the NC after one day. I noticed she had taken her married status off facebook, so I texted asking if she had come to a decision. She replies saying "actually, I just hid it" Sure seems like preparation to me. 

We still have two joint checking accounts. All she has with her is her credit card. I'm still paying the bills, her checks are still deposited. I don't know when I should start taking steps toward moving on.


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

Sorry you're here. As you noted on my thread, our stories are extremely similar. I suppose most walk-away-wife stories are.

For what it's worth, your head is in a much better place right now than mine was after my STBX left. I didn't have TAM right away, so I did everything wrong - begged, pleaded, displayed anger/bitterness at times. Accepted the blameshifting and took 100% ownership of the problems and trying to fix them (even while knowing that she had cheated on me, ugh). It took a few weeks to fully nail down the 180, and by then it was probably far too late. You seem to be doing a much better job so far.

I too thought my STBX might be in some kind of early MLC (or rather, quarter-life crisis). There may still be some truth to that. Yours was 21 when you got together, mine was 18. And our "homebody" lifestyles may have them now thinking that their youth is passing them by, that they need to get out and live life and explore new possibilities, etc etc.

Between that and the affair fog, I think it's damn near impossible to do anything but let them go and wait it out. In my case, I've run out of patience and I'm ready to move on. I hope yours comes around before you reach the same point.


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

> We still have two joint checking accounts. All she has with her is her credit card. I'm still paying the bills, her checks are still deposited. I don't know when I should start taking steps toward moving on.


ASAP. Tell her she needs to open her own account and start paying for her own bills. If you're on a cell plan together and you're paying for it, remove her from it (unless you want to keep looking at activity for proof of her and OM calling/texting). She wants a single life, that's part of it.

If she won't do that, then you open your own account and start putting your checks into it, and pay your bills from there, and forget hers.

You should not be doing anything that makes this transition easy or comfortable for her. If she doesn't want a marriage, then she needs to lose the financial security that comes with it. Maybe gym rat can help her pay her bills.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Hanging on for hope said:


> My sadness has started to become anger. Mainly due to everything being blamed on me and absolutely no issue with her. And adding the OM in the picture makes me that much more upset.


Good. You should be angry. Anger is a normal reaction to your circumstance.



Hanging on for hope said:


> Since she is not living here I don't see any need to try and get proof of anything. I know they talk, text, hang out, and probably more. Exposing anything is just going to be me telling her parents or friends she is "dating" another man. But she'll just say they are friends.


Exactly. Why drive yourself crazy looking for more "proof"? I would still expose to those who were close to you both. She may say "just friends", but everyone will know what's really going on. People aren't that stupid.

Married people who leave their marriage and immediately start "hanging" out with a new opposite-sex "friend" aren't fooling anyone, and at least you'll have called a spade a spade.



Hanging on for hope said:


> I really don't want to live in our big house anymore. Its full of memories and good times between us that once were. I have no desire to even hang out in my man cave. All that stuff was done together. I know she cant afford the house and am sure she wouldn't want it. If there is no getting through to her I just want to start moving on.


That's good. 180...learn it. It's for YOU. You deserve to be happy, and you need to keep taking steps to getting there. 



Hanging on for hope said:


> Its only been 11 days since she left but I don't know how long I want to wait on her to make her "decision". I know I am just a safety net right now. I think that if I file, she may just continue to think she did nothing wrong because I ended it. But if I wait for her to actually do it, I could be waiting months.


Ya, waiting is her putting you in purgatory, all while she pursues OM under the guise of "just friends". If you file, who cares what she thinks...that is completely out of your control, so you cannot waste your time worrying about it. Don't worry about anything out of your control, including her and her actions. Deal with what you can control, like telling her you are are filing and putting the house up for sale, letting her know you have already contacted an agent, etc. Let her know you aren't buying the "just friends" BS, and that you have decided to accept that she's left and it's over. Basically, let her know you are not willing to wait for her. 



Hanging on for hope said:


> Unfortunately I broke the NC after one day. I noticed she had taken her married status off facebook, so I texted asking if she had come to a decision. She replies saying "actually, I just hid it" Sure seems like preparation to me.


Ya, that's common...creeping on her facebook page, etc. Try to avoid looking at her page, or anything that reminds you of her right now. Seriously, 180 yourself, immerse yourself in other things. She's just dangling a carrot in front of you right now...



Hanging on for hope said:


> We still have two joint checking accounts. All she has with her is her credit card. I'm still paying the bills, her checks are still deposited. I don't know when I should start taking steps toward moving on.


Like now.


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## Hanging on for hope (Mar 18, 2013)

rsersen said:


> ASAP. Tell her she needs to open her own account and start paying for her own bills. If you're on a cell plan together and you're paying for it, remove her from it (unless you want to keep looking at activity for proof of her and OM calling/texting). She wants a single life, that's part of it.
> 
> If she won't do that, then you open your own account and start putting your checks into it, and pay your bills from there, and forget hers.
> 
> You should not be doing anything that makes this transition easy or comfortable for her. If she doesn't want a marriage, then she needs to lose the financial security that comes with it. Maybe gym rat can help her pay her bills.


The only issue I have with this is that I cannot afford the house on just my income. If she gets her own checking account and gets control of her checks, I'm dependent on her to pay me.


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

Hanging on for hope said:


> The only issue I have with this is that I cannot afford the house on just my income. If she gets her own checking account and gets control of her checks, I'm dependent on her to pay me.


I guess that makes things a little trickier. Me and X were in an apartment, and I was able to swing the rent on my own, although not comfortably. Maybe someone in your situation will have some better advice. 

Have you consulted a lawyer yet? Having a separation agreement drafted might not be a bad idea, if you could get her to sign off on paying you x towards the mortgage (especially if both your names are on it). Because even if you don't force her into getting her own account, she may very well decide to do it on her own at some point, and you'll have the same problem.


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## Hanging on for hope (Mar 18, 2013)

rsersen said:


> I guess that makes things a little trickier. Me and X were in an apartment, and I was able to swing the rent on my own, although not comfortably. Maybe someone in your situation will have some better advice.
> 
> Have you consulted a lawyer yet? Having a separation agreement drafted might not be a bad idea, if you could get her to sign off on paying you x towards the mortgage (especially if both your names are on it). Because even if you don't force her into getting her own account, she may very well decide to do it on her own at some point, and you'll have the same problem.


I just don't feel like a separation agreement will get us anywhere. I still can't move on because I will be in the house, while she can still do whatever she wants. I just feel like filing will be the best for me in the long run. 

Funny she emailed me literally 2 minutes before I started typing this. We had a trip planned next month for her birthday and obviously I am now cancelling it. She asks "hey since we cancelled our flights does that mean we have a credit? I want to go see my best friend that weekend now".
:lol:


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Hanging on for hope said:


> The only issue I have with this is that I cannot afford the house on just my income. If she gets her own checking account and gets control of her checks, I'm dependent on her to pay me.


Ya, that kinda sucks. 

I would recommend you avoid phone (voice) or actually meeting her, but if you are concerned she may stop putting money into the account, maybe email her that you are putting the house up for sale. You could also let her know that since she kinda left you high and dry, you will need her to pay half of everything until the place sells. If the house is in both of your names, it's in her best interest anyways because it affects both of your credit ratings.

It sounds like she may be cordial about the division of assets and whatnot...as long as she's playing the nice-girl, she'll probably continue to work with you on the payments until the place sells. If she wants to be a real biotch she'll claim that since she's not living there shouldn't have to pay, but it doesn't sound like she's gonna pull that crap. If she wants a clean break, she'll continue to work with you on this.

Look around your neighborhood and see the real-estate signs...there will be one or 2 agents that are hotter sellers in your area...call them both, get them to stage the house, and get the ball rolling...then let her know it's going on the market. It will feel good to take back some control.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Hanging on for hope said:


> I just don't feel like a separation agreement will get us anywhere. I still can't move on because I will be in the house, while she can still do whatever she wants. I just feel like filing will be the best for me in the long run.
> 
> Funny she emailed me literally 2 minutes before I started typing this. We had a trip planned next month for her birthday and obviously I am now cancelling it. She asks "hey since we cancelled our flights does that mean we have a credit? I want to go see my best friend that weekend now".
> :lol:


You may not need a separation agreement, but it may also help you in the long run. You will at some point have to calculate assets to divided, furniture, etc. Sep. agreements also outline the date of separation, since you may have to wait a full year for the divorce is final. 

Everything that you came into the marriage with is yours, and same for her, but everything you acquired as a couple gets split 50/50. That includes pensions, RRSP's, the cars, house, etc. You can trade the car for furniture, or whatever you guys agree to, but once it's on the sep. agreement, signed in front of a witness, it's a deal.

Your best best is to start listing big assets, pensions (may need to get accrual rate, which is value after taxes), etc. If you can get an idea of what you each want, once you sell the house it will be easier to divide the profit of sale, if any.


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

^ That's sound advice about the mortgage.

When I first approached mine about paying her share of the rent for the remainder of the lease (3 months), she balked, said she didn't live there anymore, it was unfair to expect her to pay, etc. I more or less had to threaten small claims court, but eventually she agreed to pay a share of it. Just be firm about it. 

If she still refuses, explain how it's going to tank both of your credit ratings if you can't pay it on your own...usually you can't put "logic" and "WAW" in the same sentence, but in this case she may be able to understand that.


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## Hanging on for hope (Mar 18, 2013)

Well I found a conversation today that confirms all my suspicions. It is for sure an EA and most definitely PA by now. Found a nice long chat log between them. Some very flirty comments and a "yeah, techincally I'm married." Best part. . he's fvckin 22! lol. This will last for sure. She is definitely in the fog. I'm gonna throw the D papers down along with the chat log. And extra copies for the parents and friends.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Hanging on for hope said:


> Well I found a conversation today that confirms all my suspicions. It is for sure an EA and most definitely PA by now. Found a nice long chat log between them. Some very flirty comments and a "yeah, techincally I'm married." Best part. . he's fvckin 22! lol. This will last for sure. She is definitely in the fog. I'm gonna throw the D papers down along with the chat log. And extra copies for the parents and friends.


Good...stay strong, dude.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

OMG, HoH! At least you now know the truth, and can get down to business -- way better than limbo land let me tell ya!


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## Hanging on for hope (Mar 18, 2013)

Update:

So I went over on wednesday to lay it all down. I said I know you are having some sort of emotional affair, she finally admitted. I asked if it had turned physical and she said no. Don't know if I believe, but besides the point. So I said if you want to continue this affair, I cannot sit back and fight for our marriage. I can't fix this by myself and I am going to file and we are going to sell the house. Then I started talking about how we are going to proceed and splitting everything up. This is the first time I saw her cry. So we talked for a little bit and she asked if I would want to go out to dinner tomorrow night. I thought,"great, maybe that knocked a little sense into her". 

I made reservations at a nicer place and planned to just have some meaningful conversation about things we want in life and good memories. Problem is, from the moment I picked her up, I could feel that she wasn't 100% in this. She did not really want to be there. All her answers were short, she would not talk about much. Her answers to the "things you want in life" and "favorite memories" questions were borderline defensive. And it went downhill from there when she started to cry in the restaurant. 

She said this was a chance to prove I was "fun" and all I did was talk about everything and make her cry. Anything I tried to discuss not related to our issues got shot down. Naturally, it progressed to our issues. By the end of the night I felt myself slipping into panic mode and started begging again  I dropped her off upset. She says she gave me a chance and feels I blew it. I say there's no way she was going to have fun with the anger and resentment that was still present. I think it was too soon. Its been almost 2 weeks since she left. 

Now I feel I still need to file. I thought about a trial separation with rules but I doubt she would agree to any rules. I will not sit in limbo. The fact that she still cries and has anger means there's still something in there for me, just not much. I think it might take a few months for her to realize what shes doing, but I feel I need to keep the process going and continue to try and move on.


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## misdemeanor (Mar 5, 2013)

I just started reading through this thread and it hits so close to home. I've been going through the same issues, the EA I believe is there but I don't like to think about the PA (if it is happening..). I tried the 180 but it was a little too late before I got the hold of it and I found myself slipping away from the rules and letting my anger get the best of me.. we've been separated for almost 2 months and she's already stated that she will be filing for D next month..

Just continue to work on yourself and learn from all of it. That's what I've been doing. I just want peace.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Have you exposed this to everyone yet? 

File for Divorce it can always be stopped.


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

What is the status of the EA and the OM? Was it finished before you talked to her? Did she promise to end it? Did she follow through on that, and if so, how are you sure?

I think the dinner was a mistake - or at the very least, using the night to talk about the relationship was. Laying down an ultimatum was the right move, but then she needs to take the next step. A nice dinner should have been her idea. And she needs to come to you and initiate talks about the relationship. 

She wasn't ready or willing to have that talk, as you said. She's telling the truth when she says she's full of anger and resentment - that's a staple of the WAS, whether its justified or not. In their mind they whitewash the past, focus on the negative, and either downplay or ignore the positive. I think it's to help convince them that they're making the right choice. By initiating talks of her favorite memories, you're arguing with this mindset, and it comes across to her as a) disrespectful, and b) desperate. This combination only serves to reassure her that she's making the right decision by leaving.

Moving forward with the D is the right move. You need to couple this with going dark. Keep discussion about business matters only. No relationship talk unless she comes to you about it. You've made it clear that you want to work to save the marriage, now it's up to her and her alone to reciprocate. Continue to work on you, it's the only thing you have control over.


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## Hanging on for hope (Mar 18, 2013)

rsersen said:


> What is the status of the EA and the OM? Was it finished before you talked to her? Did she promise to end it? Did she follow through on that, and if so, how are you sure?
> 
> I think the dinner was a mistake - or at the very least, using the night to talk about the relationship was. Laying down an ultimatum was the right move, but then she needs to take the next step. A nice dinner should have been her idea. And she needs to come to you and initiate talks about the relationship.
> 
> ...


She is still having the EA with the OM and made no mention of ending it. I did expose it to her parents, they are very supportive of me. I agree, talking about the issues was a mistake. We emailed back and forth a little bit the next day but it was only about selling the house. Once I get out of here it will be much easier to start moving on. I'm meeting with an attorney this morning.


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## misdemeanor (Mar 5, 2013)

*Re: Re: I love rollercoasters, but not this one*



Hanging on for hope said:


> She is still having the EA with the OM and made no mention of ending it. I did expose it to her parents, they are very supportive of me. I agree, talking about the issues was a mistake. We emailed back and forth a little bit the next day but it was only about selling the house. Once I get out of here it will be much easier to start moving on. I'm meeting with an attorney this morning.


Good for you! I'm glad you're making progress


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

Hanging on for hope said:


> She is still having the EA with the OM and made no mention of ending it. I did expose it to her parents, they are very supportive of me. I agree, talking about the issues was a mistake. We emailed back and forth a little bit the next day but it was only about selling the house. Once I get out of here it will be much easier to start moving on. I'm meeting with an attorney this morning.


Sorry to hear the EA is still going on. Exposing to her parents was the right move, and I'm glad to hear that they're initially supportive of you. Maybe they'll try to talk to her. In my case, the in-laws were supportive of me after exposing, then STBX did some more whitewashing, painting me as the devil himself, and won them back over. Not sure if your wife will do the same, but at the end of the day she is their daughter, and you have to expect that they'll ultimately support her in whatever decision she makes.

I agree with getting out of the house. I found it damn near impossible to begin detaching and moving on while I was still in our place. Even though I had taken down all the pictures, the memories were still haunting, and the silence was deafening. Once I was able to get out of there, things became much easier.


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## Hanging on for hope (Mar 18, 2013)

Another update:

Last night she was out at a bachelorette party with her best friend. Later in the night she texted me saying someone told her I was reading her text messages. I basically played it off like I didn't know what she was talking about. Her mom had told her that I exposed the affair and showed them the texts  I still never quite said that I did (technically it was her facebook messages and not phone texts, but she believes the phone texts) She kept calling me a liar and I just said to look in the mirror. Finally she says "we're done" and I text back saying "i'm pretty sure we already were".

I get a call later on, she was pretty drunk. Accusing me of lying and spying on her. I just play it cool, never get upset. Basically asking if all the stuff I read is appropriate for a married woman to say to another man. She ignores the issue and still tries to deny she's having an affair and finally hangs up on me. 

I get another call this morning about something completely different. And I then ask if she remembers calling me last night. Barely. So I calmly tell her what she said and she still denies having the affair even though I know what she has said. Still blames it all on me. She also says its not cheating because she CLEARLY said this was a break and we could do whatever we want even if I didn't agree. :rofl: The justification is strong with this one. I calmly said that she is not the person I married or loved, She is somebody that I really don't want to be around. I talked about getting everything split up so I can move on with my life and the sooner I am away from this negativity, the better. There were multiple pauses if the conversation but she seemed like she never wanted to let me go. She keeps repeating we are done, but it seems to be the anger talking. I feel like I'm talking to a child.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

HoH - Wow, you are handling yourself like a champ, well done! It is clear in this latest scenario which spouse is mature and which is acting like a rebellious teenager. Good luck, I hope she wakes up!

Best, A12


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## Hanging on for hope (Mar 18, 2013)

Awakening2012 said:


> HoH - Wow, you are handling yourself like a champ, well done! It is clear in this latest scenario which spouse is mature and which is acting like a rebellious teenager. Good luck, I hope she wakes up!
> 
> Best, A12


Teenager is right. I feel like I'm back in high school.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

HOH - You are young, no kids and have everything going for you, so if she cannot step up and devote herself to you the the marriage (if you even want Rat this point?), you can recover from this and start a healthier, happier new chapter. 

Did you meet with legal counsel yet? For your own good, it will be wise to get your ducks in a row -- at the very least for separation, if not D. What are your thoughts on living arrangements until you know where things are headed? You're still in the jointly owned house and paying the mortgage yourself, right? But thinking you want to sell and move out, to help you move on emotionally? (Sorry if I missed this earlier).

She needs to start seeing some consequences to dis-respecting you.

Best Wishes, A12


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Sorry, darn auto-correct -- I meant "R" not "Rat" (but it may have been a Freudian typo).


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## Hanging on for hope (Mar 18, 2013)

Awakening2012 said:


> HOH - You are young, no kids and have everything going for you, so if she cannot step up and devote herself to you the the marriage (if you even want Rat this point?), you can recover from this and start a healthier, happier new chapter.
> 
> Did you meet with legal counsel yet? For your own good, it will be wise to get your ducks in a row -- at the very least for separation, if not D. What are your thoughts on living arrangements until you know where things are headed? You're still in the jointly owned house and paying the mortgage yourself, right? But thinking you want to sell and move out, to help you move on emotionally? (Sorry if I missed this earlier).
> 
> ...


I did meet with a lawyer. He said everything seems pretty easy as long as you can agree on things, which i think we can. I won't be splitting the checking accounts until the house is sold and she knows that. She's not taking any money from the checking account, she really has no expenses at her parents. 

She desperately wants a life without having to answer or compromise with anyone. She's already talking to ANOTHER guy from her past and planning on moving in with her younger (girl)friend from work. With whom she just had a fight not long ago and they didn't speak for 3 days. Things will work out great for sure


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

OK, good, so it sounds like you have a plan and can get the ball rolling when you are ready. Are you going to formalize things with her legally (file for legal separation, get her sign off, so you have the terms secured) before selling the house? 

Good luck with the house sale, I had to manage several real estate transactions last year, it was a royal pain in the rear end (it became like a part time job and added a ton of stress on to my already stressful personal situation -- so I hope yours goes smoothly and you make out fine financially). Hope you are doing OK otherwise -- hang in there, and take care. 

Best Wishes, - A12


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## Hanging on for hope (Mar 18, 2013)

Well she came over last night so we could discuss splitting things up and see if we are on the same page. It started a little bit heated when she brought up alimony and my retirement accounts. I remained calm. She has not spoken to a lawyer yet. I'm still in a holding position. We then discussed the things we wanted to take from the house. By the end of the conversation we made a couple jokes with each other and even made each other smile. It was probably the best conversation we had since this started. Even though I still care about her, everyday I am able to detach a little bit more. Its all business now.


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## misdemeanor (Mar 5, 2013)

*Re: Re: I love rollercoasters, but not this one*



Hanging on for hope said:


> Well she came over last night so we could discuss splitting things up and see if we are on the same page. It started a little bit heated when she brought up alimony and my retirement accounts. I remained calm. She has not spoken to a lawyer yet. I'm still in a holding position. We then discussed the things we wanted to take from the house. By the end of the conversation we made a couple jokes with each other and even made each other smile. It was probably the best conversation we had since this started. Even though I still care about her, everyday I am able to detach a little bit more. Its all business now.


I'm glad that you guys were able to have a great conversation. Keep your eye on the prize! 

Any other updates?


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## Hanging on for hope (Mar 18, 2013)

misdemeanor said:


> I'm glad that you guys were able to have a great conversation. Keep your eye on the prize!
> 
> Any other updates?


Well the house is up for sale. Just about everyday this week she has initiated an email conversation while at work. Its mostly about house stuff, or our checking accounts, etc. But I always end them without sending the last reply. Things may not be changing with her but I am starting to get excited about getting past this point. 

I finally joined a gym because I got tired and depressed lifting in the basement. I met with a personal trainer and they totally kicked my ass. It felt great though. I can't wait to start packing on more pounds. I'm a hard gainer so I've always been skinny. I made some good progress over the last year, even the STBX was impressed. But I have not been pushing myself as hard as I should. Now I have some great motivation to push myself even further. 

The next hurdle I have, not sure if you saw my vacation thread, is whether or not to go on a vacation we have booked and paid for next month to mexico. It is for her best friends wedding at an all inclusive resort. Part of me really wants to go, maybe we can have a good time as one last hurrah, maybe I can have fun by myself, who knows. I think if we can go with the right mindset and some groundrules, it could be fun.


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## misdemeanor (Mar 5, 2013)

*Re: Re: I love rollercoasters, but not this one*



Hanging on for hope said:


> Well the house is up for sale. Just about everyday this week she has initiated an email conversation while at work. Its mostly about house stuff, or our checking accounts, etc. But I always end them without sending the last reply. Things may not be changing with her but I am starting to get excited about getting past this point.
> 
> I finally joined a gym because I got tired and depressed lifting in the basement. I met with a personal trainer and they totally kicked my ass. It felt great though. I can't wait to start packing on more pounds. I'm a hard gainer so I've always been skinny. I made some good progress over the last year, even the STBX was impressed. But I have not been pushing myself as hard as I should. Now I have some great motivation to push myself even further.
> 
> The next hurdle I have, not sure if you saw my vacation thread, is whether or not to go on a vacation we have booked and paid for next month to mexico. It is for her best friends wedding at an all inclusive resort. Part of me really wants to go, maybe we can have a good time as one last hurrah, maybe I can have fun by myself, who knows. I think if we can go with the right mindset and some groundrules, it could be fun.


Sounds great! I too have always been a slim build and my stbxw has always been a little bigger than me. So I'm working on it, might join a gym as well and push myself.

With the vacation, I would do the same thing; give it one last hurrah with some ground rules. Have fun and enjoy the time together!


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