# Christian "loveless marriage", am I alone?



## Emtpy (May 1, 2013)

I'll try to make this as short as possible. Married 20+ years, separated 3 months. Married young, 19 and 20. He's a good guy, good father. We have two children, 12 and 19. We've never had an argument. I probably married him to escape a painful, dysfunctional home with an alcoholic father where I had too much responsibility too soon. At the time, I didn't really realize that. He provided stability and I thought I loved him in the right way. We've always lacked closeness, but I didn't want to acknowledge that I may have made a wrong choice, because being married forever is what I thought I'd have. But, I think I chose a guy that could provide me stability, maybe not a guy that I could love in the right way. So, we've put ourselves into raising our children and all of you memories of joy are there. There are none of just the two of us. Now the children are older and we are realizing how dysfunctional things have been. We've been in a very conservative church and haven't felt ok bringing up the problems. Oh, and our physical relationship has been difficult since day one of our marriage. Ever single time has been a chore for me, to the point that now I can't tolerate any touch at all. I'm miserable in the marriage and I feel awful for making a promise that I now know I can't keep. How do you forgive yourself for that? Has anyone else been where I am?


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Oh yes...many people have been where you are. I was at one time...

How do you forgive yourself? Simple, you are human. You make mistakes. We ALL do. What does the Bible say? All have sinned...all have fallen short of the glory of God. That is not something to beat yourself up over, and it is not an excuse. It just is what it is.

I hope your conservative church will forgive you. I'm just concerned because I no longer go to mine.

I know you are separated. Do you intend to divorce? It is probably what you need to do but it will not be easy. You are going to need to grow to get through this. I hope you like to read because you are going to go through a couple of self help books before you get to the other side.

The important thing is that you realize what you did that was maybe a little off. Now is your time to fix that by fixing you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Emtpy said:


> I'll try to make this as short as possible. Married 20+ years, separated 3 months. Married young, 19 and 20. He's a good guy, good father. We have two children, 12 and 19. *We've never had an argument*.
> 
> I probably married him to escape a painful, dysfunctional home with an alcoholic father where I had too much responsibility too soon. At the time, I didn't really realize that. *He provided stability and I thought I loved him in the right way*.
> 
> ...


I find your story very  Your username is very telling...

When I hear of a couple who never argue....it generally means they are not communicating their hurts, wants, needs....this is never good.... no 2 people are the same... how many things has HE buried over the years.. how many have you? The severe emotional neglect of just "going through the motions" led to your being repulsed by this touch....

HIs feeling you despised his every touch... I am sure also zapped something deep inside him as well... Common issue in marriage really... .men miss it emotionally for their wives....and women don't feel it sexually....and this snowballed growing bigger & bigger. 

It didn't have to BE this way... now a mountain of resentment has been silently built (I imagine his side as well?) ... and this is where you are. 

I used to be a Christian...one should never feel they can't go to their Pastor and talk over their marital issues... if you have felt this way.. well this is a damn shame...being a christian by no means = you don't have marriage problems, many times their issues are even deeper as the expectations are higher. 

Do not worry about what others THINK or FEEL.. you must do what is best for you..we all deserve to be happy & fulfilled in this life (though some may disagree with that)..... 

I haven't read all of your story but do you feel this can be salvaged ...sounds you are separated, is HE fighting for the marriage ? Is there someone else? Anything to be picked up from the ashes ? If, lets say...you both finally came out of the dark...get emotionally vulnerable with each other and deeply talk this over... 

You say he is a good Father...a Good man... If you could wave a magic wand, what would you want right now?


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## relationshipsguide_gal (Apr 6, 2013)

Dearest, things could be worse but it's not. Don't you think you're still lucky not one of you ever cheated despite the unhappy marriage? Are you still willing to work on the relationship? Because i think it's worth saving. You can start just by being good friends with your husband. Intimacy/ friendship is a necessary part of every relationship. Smile, God will bless your marriage  All the best ~mae


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Emtpy said:


> We've been in a very conservative church and haven't felt ok bringing up the problems.


Are you part of some type of cult? 

Marriage problems are considered normal, yes even by Christians. Conservative churches have put an extra focus the last few years (decades, actually) on helping couples with their marriage problems.

Focus on the Family's primary mission is to help married couples with their problems. They are a Christian origination and are about as conservative as the come.

Go ask for help. Almost every church of any decent size has people on staff with only one job--help people with marriage problems.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Emtpy said:


> I'll try to make this as short as possible. Married 20+ years, separated 3 months. Married young, 19 and 20. He's a good guy, good father. We have two children, 12 and 19. We've never had an argument. I probably married him to escape a painful, dysfunctional home with an alcoholic father where I had too much responsibility too soon. At the time, I didn't really realize that. He provided stability and I thought I loved him in the right way. We've always lacked closeness, but I didn't want to acknowledge that I may have made a wrong choice, because being married forever is what I thought I'd have. But, I think I chose a guy that could provide me stability, maybe not a guy that I could love in the right way. So, we've put ourselves into raising our children and all of you memories of joy are there. There are none of just the two of us. Now the children are older and we are realizing how dysfunctional things have been. We've been in a very conservative church and haven't felt ok bringing up the problems. Oh, and our physical relationship has been difficult since day one of our marriage. Ever single time has been a chore for me, to the point that now I can't tolerate any touch at all. I'm miserable in the marriage and I feel awful for making a promise that I now know I can't keep. How do you forgive yourself for that? Has anyone else been where I am?


You are not alone. I married my first husband because I thought he was nice, smart and he brought me stability. I was very lonely and insecure when we met. Fast forward 15 years and 3 kids, we ended up getting divorced. it just wasn't possible for me anymore. Everytime I'd see a romantic film, I'd think: "Gee, what must it be like to feel that?". I know it sounds corny, but it's true. I was also raised traditionally so it was a big deal for me to get divorced, but I did and I don't regret it...


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## Sunshine1234 (Aug 20, 2012)

Emtpy said:


> I'll try to make this as short as possible. Married 20+ years, separated 3 months. Married young, 19 and 20. He's a good guy, good father. We have two children, 12 and 19. We've never had an argument. I probably married him to escape a painful, dysfunctional home with an alcoholic father where I had too much responsibility too soon. At the time, I didn't really realize that. He provided stability and I thought I loved him in the right way. We've always lacked closeness, but I didn't want to acknowledge that I may have made a wrong choice, because being married forever is what I thought I'd have. But, I think I chose a guy that could provide me stability, maybe not a guy that I could love in the right way. So, we've put ourselves into raising our children and all of you memories of joy are there. There are none of just the two of us. Now the children are older and we are realizing how dysfunctional things have been. We've been in a very conservative church and haven't felt ok bringing up the problems. Oh, and our physical relationship has been difficult since day one of our marriage. Ever single time has been a chore for me, to the point that now I can't tolerate any touch at all. I'm miserable in the marriage and I feel awful for making a promise that I now know I can't keep. How do you forgive yourself for that? Has anyone else been where I am?


You were 19 years old - still a teen - a desperate child who was practically forced into it by means of escape with no parent to hold your hand and guide you! I remember I needed so much guidance at that age. Don't hold on to any guilt just take close care for your kids though the process. Those are delicate ages.

Sometimes intimacy can be rekindled but if that is not happening in your relationship than just put all your hope in your future!


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## Emtpy (May 1, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I find your story very  Your username is very telling...
> 
> When I hear of a couple who never argue....it generally means they are not communicating their hurts, wants, needs....this is never good.... no 2 people are the same... how many things has HE buried over the years.. how many have you? The severe emotional neglect of just "going through the motions" led to your being repulsed by this touch....
> 
> ...


We've certainly buried alot by not communicating and we have existed for years and years....just going through the motions as roommates. He says we haven't fought because of our love for each other. Well, that's certainly not true. It's because we've never felt comfortable and secure with one another. He grew up in a family where they talked about nothing and I grew up where there was a fair amount of conflict and talking, but lots of other dysfunction. So, I wanted "perfect" and I was going to make it work. Well, my "perfect" was very distorted. Do what others expect, be nice, don't really be yourself, put on a show, etc. Well, after many years of that, it's taken a toll.

Sexually, I've never felt it. It's nothing he's done wrong. We were "good" before marriage and well, after, things just didn't go as planned. The spark just was never there as it should be. It's heartbreaking. He wanted and wants me and I've prayed for the whole marriage for help. You just can't make that be if it's not there. It was never there. And, the guilt I feel for not being that for him is excrutiating, but I can't change it. I've tried.

I've stuggled with "everyone deserves happiness". Because, don't I have to fulfill the vows I made? That's been very difficult since some days he'll admit things aren't ok with him and some days he won't. He says he'd like things better but if they are not, he's willing to live this way forever. Well....I can't. It's killing me and we both need better. I feel like the bad guy for initiating the separation, but on some level I feel like the strong one because I was willing to finally acknowledge the disfunction.

He will stay in this marriage not matter what....so he says, but is that the "right" thing to do? It can't be fixed. We've done counseling and it seems to always lead back to fixing me. Well, that's not the problem. We aren't right together, unfortunately, and some things you can't make be. We are both good people, but we do not a good marriage make. If I could wave a magic wand, I would love him the way you should love your husband, the way he deserves to be loved. I've put everything into trying to make that happen and things have only gotten more difficult. I can't go back, it's can't be fixed. I'm finally acknowledging that to myself and am trying to get the courage to say those words to him. And, then, I'll have to work on the forgiving myself for failing at something so very important.


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## GRC011 (Mar 22, 2013)

I heard the no spark line from my ex. She said it wasn't me and that I looked the same as when when married, but she wasn't attracted to me any longer and that I repulsed her. Please don't say that to your husband because it still hurts almost 6 years later. I would have stayed in the marriage no matter what as well, but as hard as I tried to spice things up, the worse it seemed to become in my case. We weren't the perfect couple either, but not many are if you allow things to go beyond the breaking point. Everyone deserves to be happy, but life is not a romance novel, movie or television show. Sometimes you have to be willing to make a sacrifice for what seems to be a better path leading you away from the marriage. It could be worse, a whole lot worse.


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## Emtpy (May 1, 2013)

GRC011 said:


> I heard the no spark line from my ex. She said it wasn't me and that I looked the same as when when married, but she wasn't attracted to me any longer and that I repulsed her. Please don't say that to your husband because it still hurts almost 6 years later. I would have stayed in the marriage no matter what as well, but as hard as I tried to spice things up, the worse it seemed to become in my case. We weren't the perfect couple either, but not many are if you allow things to go beyond the breaking point. Everyone deserves to be happy, but life is not a romance novel, movie or television show. Sometimes you have to be willing to make a sacrifice for what seems to be a better path leading you away from the marriage. It could be worse, a whole lot worse.



I don't want to say those words and don't intend to, but he knows, he's been in this relationship for nearly 25 years. I know it's hurt him, but it's also hurt me. Do you know how much I want to love him and give him what he needs and deserves in every way? It's consumed me for years and years and daily, I fail. No one is the perfect couple and I'm very aware that life isn't a romance novel. I wouldn't even want it to be. We have sacraficed, but does that mean living a lie and pretending things are ok? Trying to be a good actor? Is that sacrafice. Or after years and years of trying is it best to be honest....finally? Pretending will only continue to hurt all involved too and for much longer, maybe. And, yes, I know it can be much worse. I lived and saw worse as a child. Another reason marriage is so important to me and why this is so difficult to face. You don't know the times I've said to myself, "It could be so much worse, why can't I make this right?"


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