# "when someone shows you who they are, believe them"



## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Anybody heard that quote before? I've been pondering its truth lately. This generally means that someone is likely not to deviate from how they consistently appear to you. I feel like it can fall into the category of being relevant for people that believe when they marry their spouse that they can somehow change them. That their bad behavior or things they don't like about them will somehow dissipate with time or love. And this quote states that that just isn't going to happen. Has anyone found this to be true? I believe in general it is. I didn't marry my husband wanting to change him. I accepted him for who he was.

Those that know my story know that this quote doesn't quite apply. I mean, it does in that my husband has been showing somewhat consistent bad behavior for nearly 2 years. But it's so radically different from how he was for several years prior to that that it's harder for me to accept that this is going to be a permanent reality. There was no expectation of me needing to "change" him when we got married. Things were great. But now here I am all these years later feeling in that very spot of not just "maybe I can change him" but rather "maybe I can change him BACK to what he was before." To me, the quote of believing someone when they show you who they are rings more true to how he was for several years rather than what he is now. Though I know I may eventually have to change that mindset.

I have a friend, however, who is also married and also struggling big time in her marriage. They've also been together almost the same amount of time as us. But her relationship with him has been terrible almost nearly from the start. He's cheated on her before in the beginning, and has emotionally cheated on her COUNTLESS times since then. Something I've never had to experience before in my own relationship. And then there are the similarities in our husbands' anger issues and personalities in general. However, she is convinced she can "change" him. He just needs better counseling. She just needs better counseling. He needs better accountability. More church involvement. Her list goes on. How is she so damn positive about all of this?! He's shown her who he is from the start. Why doesn't she believe him? They've been doing counseling of some sort since they were together a couple years. Me and my husband have barely started.

But then I realized I'm doing the same thing in some regards. And yet I do not know who is the biggest idiot here, her or me. Her convinced she can change her husband into something he's never been, or me convinced that I can change my husband into who he was before? Sometimes I feel like if she won't give up, then neither can I. And if she left her husband, maybe I'd find the strength to do the same. Super f*cked up, I know. Somehow she's become a role model in this that I need to emulate, even though I think she's handling it all wrong. But if she can't give up on someone who's been an a**hole to her for the entirety of their near decade relationship, how can I give up on my husband who used to be so wonderful for nearly a decade? Do I have the upperhand here? Sometimes I think I do because of our good history together, but I'm just not sure. Maybe I just hope I do.

Anyways, I know I just went off on my own little story, but I'm mostly just curious about peoples' experiences with this quote in their marriages. Did you believe your spouse when they showed you who they were? Did you not believe them because you thought you could change them, or perhaps similar to me you couldn't accept that their own bad change was really them and hoped to "change them back"? How did it pan out? I hope I explained this notion well enough, I've love to hear from others about this.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

How did your h change? 

What circumstances changed around the time he changed? 

Did children enter the picture? Job change? 

Does he have medical issues or a history of depression? 

Is he abusive?


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

indiecat said:


> How did your h change?
> 
> What circumstances changed around the time he changed?
> 
> ...


oh, you can read about my story if you want in the private section. I didn't quite mean to turn this into all about my situation, rather just reflecting with others about similar situations and in the process help me think deeper about this. Briefly though my husband was a loving, kind affectionate person for many years. About 2 years ago he became angry and emotionally abusive. We only recently are working on things through marriage counseling and also he is seeing a psychologist for a not yet diagnosed possible issues (very recently he started going). I'm fairly certain something is up mentally with him. No kids. My mentioned friend though does have kids. I'm mostly just struggling with whether or not I should "believe" this is him, or "believe" who he was before.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Adeline said:


> oh, you can read about my story if you want in the private section. I didn't quite mean to turn this into all about my situation, rather just reflecting with others about similar situations and in the process help me think deeper about this. Briefly though my husband was a loving, kind affectionate person for many years. About 2 years ago he became angry and emotionally abusive. We only recently are working on things through marriage counseling and also he is seeing a psychologist for a not yet diagnosed possible issues (very recently he started going). I'm fairly certain something is up mentally with him. No kids. My mentioned friend though does have kids. I'm mostly just struggling with whether or not I should "believe" this is him, or "believe" who he was before.


It could be as simple as "the sauce" ( alcohol )


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh yes. Definitely. I wish I had listened lol.
I mean, people eff up and that's normal, but it's the other things to look at. Words are cheap.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

that_girl said:


> Oh yes. Definitely. I wish I had listened lol.
> I mean, people eff up and that's normal, but it's the other things to look at. *Words are cheap*.


Amen.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I 100% agree with the saying. My experience has shown that when people show you they are good or bad eggs it's because that's exactly what they are and they don't change. My life has been much happier since I accepted that little truth.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

I love this quote and use it often to help myself with knowing who my X is. He's a liar and a cheater, but he says he's not. But his actions show that he is. His action are the truth he is showing to me. It's so freeing that now I believe him, and plan accordingly for the douche


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Adeline said:


> Those that know my story know that this quote doesn't quite apply. I mean, it does in that my husband has been showing somewhat consistent bad behavior for nearly 2 years. But it's so radically different from how he was for several years prior to that that it's harder for me to accept that this is going to be a permanent reality. There was no expectation of me needing to "change" him when we got married. Things were great. But now here I am all these years later feeling in that very spot of not just "maybe I can change him" but rather "maybe I can change him BACK to what he was before."



Been there tried that. My X and I were great before we were married then almost to the day of our wedding she became a roommate. At first I thought it was me and I tried all the things recommended from counseling (she wouldn't go) and from a couple books that are often referred to in these forums but nothing changed. Then about 8 years later it hit me like lightning splitting my head.........shortly after we were married she had said that we didn't have to do all the things we did before because we were together all the time now. In other words we were married, bound by a contract, we weren't going anywhere (splitting up) so she could be who she really was. Bait and Switch? Maybe. Knowing her background and childhood I think it had more to do with the examples she was given.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I 100% agree with the saying. My experience has shown that *when people show you they are good or bad eggs it's because that's exactly what they are and they don't change*. My life has been much happier since I accepted that little truth.


what happens though when they do change? Is the "real them" the person they were before, or the person they changed into? If the latter, how long does the behavior have to go on until you accept that this is indeed the new and changed "real them" permanently, rather than it being a deviation from the original "real them"? haha I hope that makes sense, it's a bit of a tongue twister. I'm asking this in general to everyone.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Thing is, how do you know that what he showed you before was real? A lot of "nice" guys snap and you learn that they were never actually nice. They were just good at lying and hiding and keeping you in the dark. 

But you know, the past is the past and it is usually what people struggle with. They hold onto hope based on the past instead of fully embracing the current reality. The past can help you make sense of information but it should never replace what is actually occurring. Rationalization doesn't change reality. And if reality isn't pleasing you have to face it and deal with it. 

Hope can be a really dangerous thing. 

If you accept action as the only indication of truth it is a lot earlier to cut through the bull. It isn't about what you wish or hope or about how things were and how he feels deep down... It is what is he doing and how does that indicate the truth?

If what he says and what he does are not consistent ignore what he says. It isn't the truth.


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

That was exactly the conclusion I came to- my husband said a ton of stuff, but his actions were what defined him. When he snapped out of his Mr. Nice Guy behavior, I was in denial for months. Myself and everyone who thought they knew him figured it must be all the meds he was on, changing his personality. I kept thinking, if he would only get off those meds(testosterone, cialis, 2 others I can't remember now), then everything would go back to the way it was. I started to realize things could never go back when he told me that yeah, he's different, and this is finally the real him. Wow, a liar and a cheater is the real him. His girlfriend can have him.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

hey guys, thanks for the responses. It's just hard to ignore nearly a decade of him being one way, and now being a different way. It's hard to believe that was all a façade. Subconsciously I'm not convinced this is really him permanently. His actions and words matched for so long. I also have the factor of youth, I suppose. We were both in our early 20s when we met. I guess people change by the time they're 30.

And i agree. Hope is insanely dangerous. I still can't shake it, though.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I think this is not just relationship advice but PEOPLE advice in general.

When I was a teen/young adult I found myself be rather blind (almost as if my brain/mind was tricked....or I simply didn't know any better).

It walked and quacked like a duck, but for some reason it wasn't a duck.

NOW days, recognizing AND identifying the person in front of me is something that's ALWAYS on the back of my mind.

It's VERY important to know exactly who you are dealing with, where they stand in your life/priority.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Yes.

BUT!

#1 Oprah is great with the lofty ideals and has a pretty crap track record with her own relationships. Consider this.

#2 The reality is you need to add a word in my opinion. The word is very important. It is "now."

When someone shows you who they are _now_, believe them.

That's been a big struggle in my life. My wife is _not_ the same person she was when we got married. She's profoundly different, some good, some bad.

And I'm trying to meet her where she _is_ not where she _was_ or where I _want_ her to be.

And I ask the same of her.

People grow. People change, evolve. They may change and evolve in directions that mean you can't be together. Or they may change and evolve in directions that you _could_ still be together, but you're too busy trying to be with the person they used to be, not who they are now.

Now is important to me.


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