# Who should be planning husband's birthday?



## CaseyKay (Aug 6, 2017)

Hi, this might seem like a weird topic but it is one that has caused many arguments between my husband, me, and his family. So my husband and I are a younger couple and we have been married for just over a year. I dread holidays and birthdays anymore because of the way his family acts about them. For my brother and his wife, they cycle their holidays between us and her family, one year they go to her family's for Thanksgiving and then us for Christmas and the next year they switch, etc. Birthdays are planned based on how everyone's schedule is; we don't always celebrate it the day of; it might during the weekend or next weekend or sometimes we just might not be able to celebrate them together at all. Its not big deal to us if one year goes by and we may not get to celebrate someone's birthday with them on the exact day or if it all. They live three hours away and we all work; its hard sometimes to work around our schedules sometimes and we understand this.

I have _tried_to do this same thing when it comes to my own husbands family but for them if there is a birthday or holiday, then we better be over there when they want us to. Doesn't matter if we try to stick to some kind of routine or have something else planned, somebody in his family will make a fuss. I'm having the same problem this year as any other year. This year we were informed by my husbands sister that _she_had planned a birthday party for him(we went through this last year as well; went over to his parents house and the "party" that had been planned wasn't a party at all as they said it was going to be. They hadn't even gotten him a cake, yet they had made a huge stink about us being over there). They don't even ask him for these "party's"what he wants at all; I'm so used to the fact that when you plan a party for someone else, you ask them what food they might like or what type of cake. They make what they want and never ask. She called us and told us this and hadn't even bothered to talk to us first to see if we had already made plans of our own; and we had. We had discussed going away for the weekend because we don't get a lot of alone time together and his birthday was the perfect time to do this. Big mistake; I guess I just shouldn't think that as an adult couple I should be able to plan something for my own husband without consulting his family first to see if they have made plans for a "party" for their adult son and brother.

It just makes me feel disrespected as a wife that we can't even plan our own holidays and birthdays without somebody in his family putting up a fuss about it in some way; God forbid if they don't see him exactly on his birthday one year and I become the monster that keeps their son away. Am I wrong for this? I am just to the point where I avoid them at all costs anymore just to keep my sanity. I'm tired of their drama. I wasn't raised that way. And my husband is confused because he tries to make everyone happy, but not everyone is going to be happy. I don't have a problem with them planning a party for him at all but shouldn't they at least check with either me as his spouse or even him to see if we have any plans of our own before they make them?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Family is a tough one, can you go ahead and plan something for the H and then still go to what his family planned?

Or go ahead and plan his party and invite them, if they come they do if not their loss. does he stand up to them when they treat you that way? if not he should be.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Stand your ground. Go away for the weekend. Let them work around you.

You may have noticed...you cannot please them, no matter what you do.

When talking to them be pleasant, and let them know YOUR plans. Bend to their wishes, on occasion.

Tell more than one person your' plans. This way no one can say you did not tell them, or anyone!

You are newlyweds and they are bullying you. A minor thing. We need our friends and relatives. Life can get lonely without them.

You married your husband, not them.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeah just go on your holiday together.
Somehow, they'll survive.
And if they hold a grudge, then too bad for them.
You are his immediate family now.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

First off, you and your hubby need to get on the same page. If you are not his first/primary loyalty right now, they you need to have a Come To Jesus talk. Make sure he understands that if he prioritizes making his family happy over you and your marriage, then he is damaging your marriage (and make it clear in words and actions that you are willing to do the same).

And then you decide what you want to do, and F whatever his family thinks. Let them know if they continue to give you crap about you guys doing your own thing, then they will see even less of you. And your hubby needs to be the one to draw these boundaries and assert them to his family, so it's clear that he is on board, and that you're not nagging him into it.

My friend K got married a little over a year ago. Her SIL is really awful to K at every family holiday and vacation. So K and her hubby have decided that they will no longer attend any family events where K's SIL is the host (SIL hosts/plans most family events). They told K's hubby's parents as a team, presenting a united front, and his parents were supportive, because they also didn't like the way SIL (their own daughter) was treating K. They still plan to alternate holidays, but for his family's holidays where their boundaries mean they won't attend, they do their own thing, so they're not showing preferential treatment towards her family.

If your hubby's family says they're hosting a birthday party for hubby but don't consult him over the date/time, and don't bother to get a cake, then it isn't really a party for him, is it? So RSVP no and just don't go. Let them look like jerks when the guest of honor doesn't show up. Don't let them hold you hostage. They can only do it if you let them.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

If you don't like it, then its time to grow up and stand up.

Have your decision made about these things long before they come up. For this to work you both must be in agreement.
When you are informed of what you are being summoned to attend, you will inform them back that you appreciate the invite, but you already have made plans. This is where the discussion ends. You don't need to give them the details or any excuses. Once you start to assert that you are adults, they will begin to respect and treat you as such. If you intend to assert it, then live up to it in other aspects too.

I know it's not easy at first. I speak from experience. A few insider tips. The less discussion, the better. A definitive yet brief answer, then move on to another subject. I prefer to include terms like "definitely not", "absolutely not" and "non-negotiable" when dealing with people who may tend to put on additional pressure after I have made a statement. It is key to not allow conversation about it to continue after you have declined. If that will make you uncomfortable then be prepared to hang up the phone or exit a room quickly. 

For instance:

Mother in law: "We have our sons bday party all planned for next weekend. So be sure to be over at 6."
(Preferably your husband saying this)- "That's definitely not going to work for my birthday this year, we already have other plans. Thank you for being so thoiughtful.If you don't like it, then its time to grow up and stand up.

Have your decision made about these things long before they come up. For this to work you both must be in agreement.
When you are informed of what you are being summoned to attend, you will inform them back that you appreciate the invite, but you already have made plans. This is where the discussion ends. You don't need to give them the details or any excuses. Once you start to assert that you are adults, they will begin to respect and treat you as such. If you intend to assert it, then live up to it in other aspects too.

I know it's not easy at first. I speak from experience. The less discussion the better. A definitive yet brief answer, then move on to another subject. I prefer to include words like "absolutely not" and "non-negotiable" with people who may tend to put on pressure after I have made a statement. It is key to not allow conversation about it to continue after you have declined. So be prepared. 

For instance:

mother in law: We have our sons bday party all planned for next weekend. So be sure to be over at 6. 
(Preferably your husband saying this)- "That's definitely not going to work for my birthday this year, we already have other plans. We wanted to see if you guys want to go out to dinner with us the next weekend though?"

IF he has a really pushy, nosey, bossy family and someone challenges that, then I would say "Mom, my wife and I have made this decision as a couple and it isn't up for discussion."



After you establish new boundaries, it is SO much easier. We wanted to see if you guys want to go out to dinner with us the next weekend though?"

IF he has a really pushy, nosey, bossy family and someone challenges that with something like, "Oh, but we have been together for every birthday your whole life!" or a similar guilt trip, be ready to say the final sentence and walk out of the room or conclude the phone call. I would say "Mom, my wife and I have made this decision as a couple and it isn't up for discussion."

After you establish new boundaries, it is SO much easier.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Have you asked your husband what he wanted? I didn't see any mention that he was upset spending the day the way he did, only that you feel disrespected by them.

If you want to have a good relationship with his family, tread carefully. It's very tempting to assert your authority and position, but don't be surprised if you open a chasm that only widens as the years go by. Clearly he cares about his family and they care about him. Don't be too quick to poison that for him in an attempt to jockey for lead position. 

Full disclosure: I find formal birthday celebrations for adults to be rather silly and juvenile. That may color my view a bit.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CaseyKay said:


> They don't even ask him for these "party's"what he wants at all; I'm so used to the fact that when you plan a party for someone else, you ask them what food they might like or what type of cake. They make what they want and never ask.


Normally, the person throwing the party decides what they can and will provide for the party. I see nothing wrong with his family members not asking him what he wants for a cake and food. 

You have enough issues with his family. This is one that you need to just drop. Deal with the important ones.

If he wants a particular cake or food, he and you can do that on your own.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You could plan a party way in advance and invite his family, that way you control what food and cake is there. Just make sure you inform them of the party way in advance. 

Also, if you and your husband had plans to go away for his birthday, did his family know? Did they know and yet plan something anyway? Or were they in the dark, thought the day was open and so they planned something?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My inlaws are like this. Birthdays and holidays are a huge issue in their family. They then became an issue for us when a few years ago I asked my husband what he wanted to do for his birthday, planned everything and invited his family. That was apparently a no-no because my SIL couldn't come. Ok, then catch up with him another time? I couldn't understand the drama.

Don't even ask about Christmas...oi vaye.

I don't know your story, do you normally get along with your inlaws? If so, this might be something you want to rethink before making an issue. If you don't have a good relationship with them anyway, and your husbands on board, do what makes the two of you happy.

My husband hasn't seen his sister for over 2 years, and his parents for about a year or so. He said it's so much more peaceful now.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

This is an example of what I call drama. I don't think it's weird that his family wants to do something with him for his birthday, but your plans should be the ones they work around if you and he want to go away on his birthday, that should be what you do, and everybody else should be mature enough to let you do it without stress. 

I know of people who act like this, and I just don't get it. I must have grown up in the most mature acting, drama free family that ever existed. We go out on a limb to make things easy and stress free for each other. To this day, if I am trying to plan when we get together for holidays, my brother will always say something like, " don't worry about me. You all do it when you can and it's easy on you. It'll be ok if I can't make it."

I can't understand anything else.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ugh. Do your thing and let them fuss.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

southbound said:


> This is an example of what I call drama. I don't think it's weird that his family wants to do something with him for his birthday, but your plans should be the ones they work around if you and he want to go away on his birthday, that should be what you do, and everybody else should be mature enough to let you do it without stress.
> 
> I know of people who act like this, and I just don't get it. I must have grown up in the most mature acting, drama free family that ever existed. We go out on a limb to make things easy and stress free for each other. To this day, if I am trying to plan when we get together for holidays, my brother will always say something like, " don't worry about me. You all do it when you can and it's easy on you. It'll be ok if I can't make it."
> 
> I can't understand anything else.


Same.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He used to be the son of their family.

But he upgraded his life to become your wife.

And that's all you and he need to know!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well i was intrigued by the title of this thread, then after reading through it I'm much more conflicted. it brings up a lot of memories of my family , extended family and families of friends of mine. I could probably write a book about this topic. But let's get back to the question.

Who should be planning Husbands Birthday?

My first inclination is to say that for an adult between the ages of 21 and 63, there is really nothing much to celebrate about getting older. So an adult birthday party is really just an excuse to get together as a family and friends. When you think of it that way any competent event manager should plan the party. In my family my mom is very dutiful to get a birthday card out to whoever's birthday it happens to be. That is what she wants to do. No one expects it of her. We have a few get togethers every year. Whoever can make it is welcome. Whoever doesn't want to make it is graciously excused. We have a party, when someone wants to plan one. and there is almost always someone missing.

Now I've been married 30 years and my family is a lot more mature (or at least older) than yours. We aren't struggling to hold together a family that is marrying, moving away, setting up new families, and so on. But I've seen it. I've been through it. and most of what is happening to you is not unusual, but it is still wrong. Here is my reasoning on that. A family consists of a person and their spouse. That is the only bit that is permanent. It is the part with the closest emotional ties. children grow up and move away, siblings marry their own spouses and become their own family. Parents are left behind as new families are formed. This is as natural as the sun coming up in the morning. And just like the sun there is nothing anyone can do to stop it.

I'm not discounting any of the advice you have been given, I'm just trying to provide a bigger, longer picture.


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