# Husband's sex drive is gone



## countrygirl84 (Jun 18, 2015)

hi everyone, wish i could say its good to meet you all but unfortunately its not good to be here. my h and i are in our early 30's (he's 31 and i'm 33). he used to have a very high and healthy sex drive but it has seemed to just completely disappear. here's the back story and i apologize for the length.

during my ea I never had sex or touched my h intimately but never did anything with the om. i just simply lost connection with my h during that period of time since i wasn't getting what i needed from him. after we went to marriage counseling he started trying to initiate and i rejected him 90% of the time because i needed to feel that emotional connection with him before i became intimate and felt we weren't there yet. i told him to give it time and let nature take it's course. he kept trying and i had to keep telling him to give it time to come back. about 3 months later he seemed to just dry up and stop trying to initiate at all. i have tried to initiate a handful of times and he has rejected me with saying he's tired, not in the mood, thinking about work, or has plans. in the last 3 years since my ea we have had sex MAYBE 12 times. i feel like this ea killed our sexuality and it has become extremely uncomfortable to try and become intimate. he tells me that he wants me to touch him like i used to just out of the blue and i'll sometimes give him a quick grab but he wants me to fondle him again like i did before. i get uncomfortable doing that and honestly only really touch him at all only during sex in the few times per year we have it. he fondles me all the time but won't ever take it further than that. i told him i want him to just take me but it's gotten to the point of where he will just ask if i'm in the mood. when i asked him why he does this he just says he doesn't want to put in the effort only to get rejected.


we've been married for 7 years with no kids. before we got married sex was great and frequent. after we got married he seemed to become irritated easily, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and is on medication for it. he has always had a bad temper and i think that comes from his family and his mother. its a very dysfunctional environment and emotionally abusing. anyway i ended up losing my job and we had to move in with my parents for a while since he wasn't making good money and we were only renting thank goodness. i didn't want to move back into their house but we had no choice. we started fighting all the time and he would not open up or talk to me, just basically shut down. i was stupid and started talking to someone at work about the relationship and we became really good friends. feelings grew and we both told each other that we really like each other even though i knew i shouldn't have. during this time i became more and more distant from my h and he became suspicious, asking for my phone, and snooping. i got defensive and would not let him see my phone or laptop for this reason. it was like being on a drug, i just couldn't stop because i was getting what i needed from this other guy. when i was sleeping one night my h came busting into the bedroom to wake me up and showed me the messages from the other guy on my phone asking wtf is this and such. we talked for about 10 minutes because i was tired and went back to sleep. the next day i apologized left and right, and all day but started thinking how crappy it was that he invaded my privacy and continued talking to the other guy. he found out that i was still talking to him 2 more times (total of 3 times he asked me to stop). i decided to cut it off with the other guy and tell him i need to focus on my marriage which he said he understood and never meant to fall for a married woman.

we have gone to 3 different marriage counselors and i will admit that i rug swept for a long time and just wanted to move on and not discuss the past at all. my h told me that he needed to talk about it to move on which i agreed to, but he still will bring it up from time to time. come to find out this other guy at my work also has a part time job at my husbands place of work. small world huh?

again sorry for the long post and thanks for reading.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

because of your ea, your going to have to do the heavy lifting.

your first mistake was rejecting him 'even though you didn't feel like it, and wanted the connection first'. that was a mistake. he was eager to make up and re-bond, and
you rejected him. no doubt, he built up a huge resentment and built up a giant wall. because of the ea, and then the rejection. your description of him is a sexual being who is now
super defensive, resentful and ultra guarded.

you're going to have to do a lot of things, including touch him 'like the old days', even when you feel uncomfortable. comfort zone, shmumfort zone.
get rid of that idea.


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## countrygirl84 (Jun 18, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> because of your ea, your going to have to do the heavy lifting.
> 
> your first mistake was rejecting him 'even though you didn't feel like it, and wanted the connection first'. that was a mistake. he was eager to make up and re-bond, and
> you rejected him. no doubt, he built up a huge resentment and built up a giant wall. because of the ea, and then the rejection. your description of him is a sexual being who is now
> ...


i realize what i did was wrong and have admitted that to him many MANY times and apologized MANY times. i just want to move on and he has said the same thing.


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## countrygirl84 (Jun 18, 2015)

I guess I just feel like he is holding this over my head and wont let it go.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

countrygirl84 said:


> I guess I just feel like he is holding this over my head and wont let it go.


he may eventually let go. if he still loves you deep down, he will let go eventually, but he's not there yet. do the heavy lifting. be patient.
more patient. if it's worth getting his love back, then keep going.
get knocked down, get back up again, and repeat many times.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Wow, you are a piece of work. 

You basically stabbed him in the heart, then stomped on his masculinity for months. You basically broke him:surprise: and now you want to forget the past.


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## countrygirl84 (Jun 18, 2015)

I love him so much and he loves me too. He just seems to focus to much on work and when he's home he's usually out in his shop working with his cars. When he comes in he sits on the other couch and doesn't really talk. We love each other and we tell each other all the time. We've been going through this for 3 years now though. He has asked me to get a job elsewhere but I can't find a job anywhere else and like where I work. I have friends here and am comfortable with my job. I've tried and can't even get a job offer. I know he goes to the gym every day on his lunch with friends (some of which are girls) and that he gets hit on all the time. I don't get upset about that, but I am very self-conscious because I feel I'm overweight and unattractive.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

so he verbally tells you he loves you, often? are you sure? then he probably means it. now you have to win your man back.
and i mean all the way. you're going to have to break down that wall he has built, even if he loves you strong.
it won't be easy, but it might be well worth it.


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## countrygirl84 (Jun 18, 2015)

Yes we tell each other that we love each other often and text quite often while at work. I just want him to take me and not ask if i'm in the mood, that really kills it for me. i've told him what i want and he just wont do it. it honestly seems like his self confidence or masculinity is gone with me but he seems very outgoing with his friends and when he's at the gym.

he has caught me rolling my eyes before when he says something and says he sees that as a sign of disrespect. this is the kind of stuff i have to deal with that makes it hard for me. i want this to work, i really do.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

It is a sign of disrespect, as is the fact that you are still at the same employer.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I'd reply to this thread but will only get me banned.....


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Humpty dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Could not put humpty dumpty back together again


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## countrygirl84 (Jun 18, 2015)

Hicks said:


> Humpty dumpty sat on the wall
> Humpty dumpty had a great fall
> All the kings horses and all the kings men
> Could not put humpty dumpty back together again


What?


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

You want to be "taken", which is common with women; as you said, being asked "ruins it" for you. Unfortunately, you have crushed his masculinity by cheating on him and rejecting him for months. You feel wanted when he initiates, but you are being incredibly selfish after your behavior. Give him what he wants for a few months. Then, you can ask for things your way.

Or leave him - if he was posting, a significant number of people would be telling him to move on.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

anonmd said:


> Wow, you are a piece of work.
> 
> You basically stabbed him in the heart, then stomped on his masculinity for months. You basically broke him:surprise: and now you want to forget the past.


Heavy lifting!


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

I know for a fact, when I was basically "cut-off" for almost 2 years, I completely lost ALL interest in my wife. I made sure she knew it too, only with actions, no words at all. I'm 56, wife is 53. My daughters (26 & 20) picked up on it really quick.

Neither one of us have ever had any sort of affairs. Ea's or pa's never played a part of the "cut-off". I was actually accused on here of having an ea with a friend that invited me to her house for advice when she was having problems, btw. My wife encouraged me to go........Anyway, I think mostly having kids at home was the main reason.

That's out of the way now. 
Anyway, the daughters suggested my wife & I take a "2nd honeymoon" (something you might consider) they weren't liking what they were seeing.
I did it, I scheduled everything. A three day trip. I told her since our last daughter was getting married, we needed to celebrate their honeymoon on our own.
We went, King room, 2 person Jacuzzi bathtub. We bathed together, washed each other, sex in the tub, on the bed, we were HONEYMOONIN'. More than our actual honeymoon 34 years ago. It's been almost a month ago that we did this. It hasn't stopped yet. I honestly think we're enjoying each other now, more than we ever have.

Now, I tell all of this, because YOU may need/want to take this approach. It has worked wonderfully for us.


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## countrygirl84 (Jun 18, 2015)

Vulcan2013 said:


> You want to be "taken", which is common with women; as you said, being asked "ruins it" for you. Unfortunately, you have crushed his masculinity by cheating on him and rejecting him for months. You feel wanted when he initiates, but you are being incredibly selfish after your behavior. Give him what he wants for a few months. Then, you can ask for things your way.
> 
> Or leave him - if he was posting, a significant number of people would be telling him to move on.


i dont know what to do because when i did try to initiate he would come up with excuses as to why he doesnt want sex. seems like a lost cause..


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

countrygirl84 said:


> i dont know what to do because when i did try to initiate he would come up with excuses as to why he doesnt want sex. * seems like a lost cause..*


*

* Sadly, I think you may be right. Some hurts you just don't bounce back from and this might be one of them for him. I don't know you but if I were in his shoes I would probably have been long gone. Maybe he's too complacent, too passive, has religious scruples, etc. or some other reason that prevents him from taking action. Regardless you are both too young to go on like this. Maybe if you showed a true sense of remorse and set up individual counseloing for yourself to get to root issue of why you did what you did and couple's counseling for the two of you, it might move him off square one. It's a long shot for sure but if you want to save the marriage it's all on you now. If you don't want to do that best you two go your separate ways now before you have kids.


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## countrygirl84 (Jun 18, 2015)

EVG39 said:


> [/B] Sadly, I think you may be right. Some hurts you just don't bounce back from and this might be one of them for him. I don't know you but if I were in his shoes I would probably have been long gone. Maybe he's too complacent, too passive, has religious scruples, etc. or some other reason that prevents him from taking action. Regardless you are both too young to go on like this. Maybe if you showed a true sense of remorse and set up individual counseloing for yourself to get to root issue of why you did what you did and couple's counseling for the two of you, it might move him off square one. It's a long shot for sure but if you want to save the marriage it's all on you now. If you don't want to do that best you two go your separate ways now before you have kids.


i don't want to leave because i love him and know he loves me. he has told me that he feels uncomfortable being sexual with me because he just doesn't know if more went on and i dont understand the hurt i caused him. i have told him that it never was physical and the reason behind it was because he was never there for me. he wouldnt listen to me when i wanted/needed to talk which we have both gotten better with. we will actually talk to each other about or problems rather than bottle them up inside.

the other night we were talking about this yet again and how he was feeling. i already wasnt in a good mood and didnt want to deal with this as well. without even thinking i told him this lack of intimacy we are having is just as much his fault as mine since he wont even try to initiate. he then got loud and told me it is 100% my fault as i am the one that did this to him. i just dont know some days.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

countrygirl84 said:


> Vulcan2013 said:
> 
> 
> > You want to be "taken", which is common with women; as you said, being asked "ruins it" for you. Unfortunately, you have crushed his masculinity by cheating on him and rejecting him for months. You feel wanted when he initiates, but you are being incredibly selfish after your behavior. Give him what he wants for a few months. Then, you can ask for things your way.
> ...


Rejection hurts, doesn't it? He may be taking care of himself. Also helps to keep a wall between you. 

You might get him MMSLP. The advice isn't perfect, but fits with what it sounds like you want. 

You need to talk to him and find out what he wants and is willing to do. Btw, initiating with a man is really not subtle at all. Perhaps flirt over text and other things to build up. 

Have you sincerely apologized for your part in where things are at?


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Also, if he doesn't know if more went on, you could give him peace of mind by volunteering for a polygraph. That would be huge. 

Every wayward minimizes what they did. No betrayed spouse is ever honest.


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## countrygirl84 (Jun 18, 2015)

Vulcan2013 said:


> Rejection hurts, doesn't it? He may be taking care of himself. Also helps to keep a wall between you.
> 
> You might get him MMSLP. The advice isn't perfect, but fits with what it sounds like you want.
> 
> ...


I did apologize and was extremely sincere. He's mentioned flirting by phone and sexting but I'm not comfortable with that. Anyone can intercept that and see it so that's not going to happen. I just don't like the idea of things being out there.


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## countrygirl84 (Jun 18, 2015)

Vulcan2013 said:


> Also, if he doesn't know if more went on, you could give him peace of mind by volunteering for a polygraph. That would be huge.
> 
> Every wayward minimizes what they did. No betrayed spouse is ever honest.


A polygraph? You have to be kidding? That is ridiculous and way over the top. I told him everything and he needs to trust that. I understand it will take time to build that trust but I'm willing to wait.

This wasn't a federal crime....


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I smell a troll


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Agree..... troll. No one is this insensitive to another whom they love.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

countrygirl84 said:


> A polygraph? You have to be kidding? That is ridiculous and way over the top. I told him everything and he needs to trust that. I understand it will take time to build that trust but I'm willing to wait.
> 
> This wasn't a federal crime....


I had an EA, and issues with porn. My counselor told me I knew what I'd done, but my wife didn't. Taking a poly let her know just how big the monster was. It was huge for her. I didn't like it, but it was worth it for her peace of mind. 

You lied to him during your EA by hiding it over and over. Every minute you were in it and concealed it you were lying. He knows you can lie and conceal like a champ. 

I'm guessing it was more than an EA. Too proud to come clean or do what he needs to heal? Then let him go.

ETA: if you don't do what he needs to heal, it won't get better with time.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

countrygirl84 said:


> i just want to move on and he has said the same thing.


Based on your posts, this is your big problem. Your worries are all about moving on and getting what you want. I see almost no compassion about your husband beyond how it affects you.



> I love him so much and he loves me too. He just seems to focus to much on work and when he's home he's usually out in his shop working with his cars. When he comes in he sits on the other couch and doesn't really talk. We love each other and we tell each other all the time. We've been going through this for 3 years now though. He has asked me to get a job elsewhere but I can't find a job anywhere else and like where I work. I have friends here and am comfortable with my job. I've tried and can't even get a job offer.  I know he goes to the gym every day on his lunch with friends (some of which are girls) and that he gets hit on all the time. I don't get upset about that, but I am very self-conscious because I feel I'm overweight and unattractive.


You say that he loves you, but his actions are telling you he does not like you all that much. He works long hours (away from you), then comes home to work on his cars (away from you) then sits on the other couch (away from you) before turning in where he does not have sex with you.

He is being quite clear, though his actions, that he does not want to be around you. You have to fix that before you are going to get intimacy. 

Go find a therapist who specializes in infidelity. Get the book Surviving an Affair and read up on what you can do. There are no easy answers or quick fixes here. You need to do real work. If you won't do that, and you still love him, leave him. He deserves that from you at least.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

countrygirl84 said:


> A polygraph? You have to be kidding? That is ridiculous and way over the top. * I told him everything and he needs to trust that.* I understand it will take time to build that trust but I'm willing to wait.
> 
> This wasn't a federal crime....





countrygirl84 said:


> I did apologize and was extremely sincere. He's mentioned flirting by phone and sexting but I'm not comfortable with that. Anyone can intercept that and see it *so that's not going to happen. * I just don't like the idea of things being out there.


Looks like your husband is a lower priority than yourself.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

He has not lost his sex drive. He's healthy and would rock your world if you let him...but...

He is no longer sexually attracted to you, nor does he have the desire to initiate, because you have done nothing to make him feel safe in the relationship. Why would he want to "take" a woman who is only going to complain and demoralize him? 

Have you ever wondered why you concentrate on all his faults and have never addressed any of your own? 

Have you gone to individual counseling with a pro-marriage counselor to help you figure out why you allowed your boundaries to lapse enough to choose to enter into your EA? 

Have you asked yourself why you feel so deserving of remaining married after emotionally firing your husband and attaching yourself to another man? 

Have you done anything regularly to SHOW your husband that he is the number one man in your life and you don't want anyone else? Talk is worthless. 

To me? It sounds like your husband loves you alot more than you love him, but you have shut down every effort he has made to meet your needs or to rekindle the flame between you. 

I'm sorry, but most of these current problems, I hate to say, are your fault. You caused the damage, but you have really done nothing to fix what you did.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hoosier said:


> Agree..... troll. No one is this insensitive to another whom they love.


No she's not a troll. Her demeanor is pretty common. Go read the Wayward section of SI.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

countrygirl84 said:


> I did apologize and was extremely sincere. *He's mentioned flirting by phone and sexting but I'm not comfortable with that.* Anyone can intercept that and see it so that's not going to happen. I just don't like the idea of things being out there.


You were comfortable doing this with your affair partner weren't you? Why not the man you made vows to?


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

He's simply paying you back for the enormous amount of hurt you caused him and continued to cause him after the EA. Karma's a b*tch.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

We have a rule here that we don't blame the victim. Yes he did things that hurt the relationship and by connection you. Yes he wasn't there for you. His solution was to seek diagnosis and treatment. Your solution was to seek comfort from another man. That is one reason we are not letting you shift the blame for this situation to him. 

There is another reason. It won't work. Until you completely own what you have done, (that means you stop trivializing it and focusing on the things you didn't do)


countrygirl84 said:


> A polygraph? You have to be kidding? That is ridiculous and way over the top. I told him everything and he needs to trust that. I understand it will take time to build that trust but I'm willing to wait. *Waiting won't work trust requires building*
> 
> This wasn't a federal crime....


 He can not start to heal. 

When you started on the path to reconciliation, you encouraged him to initiate, then you rejected him at a 90% rate. In fact you are still putting up barriers.


countrygirl84 said:


> He's mentioned flirting by phone and sexting but I'm not comfortable with that. Anyone can intercept that and see it so *that's not going to happen*. I just don't like the idea of things being out there.


 If you want him back you are going to have to give yourself to him without reservation. 

What you are doing is very much like what my Daughter did with her Dog. She loved the dog but knew that at his size he could bowl her over. She would stand at the door and call him, then as soon as he got close she would slam the door in his face. Now that may be a cute story when a preschooler does it but when two adults play this game one is going to walk away.

How badly do you want him back?
MN


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> No she's not a troll. Her demeanor is pretty common. Go read the Wayward section of SI.


If she's not a troll, she's a lost cause... (still agree with the troll assessment, though)


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Cheaters are entitled, selfish people. OP, everyone is trying, in one way or another to help you see how selfish you are. You are taking enormous credit for half-hearted half-measures, while expecting him to "get over it". Everything in your BH's behavior says he wants to be distant and safe from you. 

Unless you really look for ways to help him heal, build him up, and sacrifice your own needs for a season, your marriage will end. He'll likely find an understanding, nice, and (probably) younger woman who takes an interest in him. At that point, you can play the victim. He wouldn't be right to do that, mind you, but it's a very likely outcome in the next few years. 

I don't think you're a troll, I've been even more self-centered, unempathetic, and unremorseful than you. It is possible to come back from that and be a better person. 

So far, you've rejected every suggestion, made excuses, and even said "it wasn't a federal crime". No action will make things get worse over time. I can tell you, time won't heal this. If he doesn't leave, you'll have an empty, sad marriage. 

You killed your marriage and broke your husband as a man. One of you has to move first and stay moved for a long time. Are you willing to do that? Anything?

Have you read "how to help your spouse heal from an affair" by Linda McDonald? There is a free PDF that would serve as a good guide.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

I guess the truth hurt too much. If she doesn't come back, she was looking for a way to justify resenting him for not sweeping her EA and continued rejection under the table.
Honestly, if she wanted to keep him, nothing would be off the table. Sexting daily. Trips to the naughty store to get things he'd like. Stripper pole. Whatever he wanted. 
If it was a guy, we'd tell him to make her feel loved, wanted, secure... he needs to feel that as well.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well...where did she go?


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## countrygirl84 (Jun 18, 2015)

hi everyone, thank you for the input. we started reading about the 5 love languages the other night and it seems mine is words of affection and his is physical touch. i would think by what i'm seeing most of you say, physical touch would be what most if not all men would have as a love language. i think i'm at my wits end with this though honestly. i really wanted to try and make this better but i just dont know what to do anymore.

last night we had some friends over and i was tired. we had a fun and busy day. it was around 1:30am when we went to bed and he wanted sex. i told him i was tired and did not want to do it with our friends sleeping just in the other room. he didnt say anything, rolled over and went to sleep.

today is actually our anniversary so i got up and made a big breakfast to surprise him with since our friends left early. we had breakfast and when he was in the shower i decided to join him. he paused and asked what i was doing. i told him i thought it would be sexy if we did it in the shower and he just replied that he was not in the mood.

naturally after his shower he went out to his shop to tinker with his cars. after he came back in and had lunch he made a comment about how our box of condoms had expired and he tossed them out. i told him we could just get another box and he said he wouldnt even bother since its a waste of money to buy a box of 12 when we only use 3 per year. this really is killing my sex drive now and he wants me to come and initiate? he has told me thats what he needs but i cant do it when he is always so negative and down.

i need some real advice here, and not some just leave him or i deserve this stuff, because nobody deserves what we are going through.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Stop behaving like an unrepentant controlling *****, that would be a start.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

If you want to help him heal, you won't turn him down. You've gotten a good deal of advice, but don't seem to be taking much.

You still seem entitled, and blaming the man you broke. 

Touch is his love language. For a lot of men, that is a prettied-up way to say "sexual touch". However, he is rejected you because he doesn't trust you enough to accept that from you. You aren't safe. What are you going to do about that?


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

countrygirl84 said:


> ...last night we had some friends over and i was tired. we had a fun and busy day. it was around 1:30am when we went to bed and *he wanted sex. i told him i was tired* and did not want to do it with our friends sleeping just in the other room. he didnt say anything, rolled over and went to sleep.


This is a seriously....WTF.



countrygirl84 said:


> today is actually our anniversary so i got up and made a big breakfast to surprise him with since our friends left early. we had breakfast and when he was in the shower i decided to join him. he paused and asked what i was doing. i told him i thought it would be sexy if we did it in the shower *and he just replied that he was not in the mood*.


Can't say that I blame the guy, sorry.




countrygirl84 said:


> i need some real advice here, and not some just leave him or i deserve this stuff, because nobody deserves what we are going through.


You are getting advice, but apparently, it isn't sinking in.

So let me help. Like you, I had an EA. In fact, I had two EA's with two women when I was discovered. She chose to stay and reconcile...but only if I agreed to her terms, which I accepted, embraced, and have fulfilled wholeheartedly. The term "heavy lifting" has been offered up. You need to do the heavy lifting as it is you who has done the damage. Time to get real my friend or your marriage is over. don't know how else I can say. good luck.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

One more thing...
When I was told that I had to meet her demands or we're through, I did it and she saw me doing what is needed to get help and get better. She saw me day in and day out going to IC and group, doing my homework assignments, checking in with her regarding my whereabouts...She saw me doing the..."heavy lifting"

And in return, she brought me back into our bed, she opened her heart back up to me. We are now having more frequent sex and it is better than ever.

This would never had happened if I behaved like you have toward your husband. Just my .02


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

MountainRunner said:


> This is a seriously....WTF.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


MR is saying the same things the rest of us are. 

Time won't fix this.

Your H is deeply damaged by what you've done.

You are only doing easy, superficial things - not heavy lifting.

To fix this you need:


Full disclosure of everything he wants to know. 
Verify with poly - I'm serious. Not fun, but then he can have some confidence you aren't hiding anything.
Real sorrow. I know you've apologized, but your attitude is not remorseful. At all.
Willingness to deal with his pain.
Counseling to deal with your issues.

HNHN, 5LL are great, but after you've brought some healing. Right now, he doesn't WANT you to meet any of his needs. As I said before:

You aren't safe for him.

What are you going to DO about that?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

countrygirl84 said:


> I did apologize and was extremely sincere. He's mentioned flirting by phone and sexting but I'm not comfortable with that. Anyone can intercept that and see it so that's not going to happen. I just don't like the idea of things being out there.


Mentally prepare to lose him then. Did you sext and flirt with your EA partner???


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Oh, just read further along... Stick a fork in this one.n it's over due to stupidity by the WW.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

countrygirl84 said:


> hi everyone, thank you for the input. we started reading about the 5 love languages the other night and it seems mine is words of affection and his is physical touch. i would think by what i'm seeing most of you say, physical touch would be what most if not all men would have as a love language. i think i'm at my wits end with this though honestly. i really wanted to try and make this better but i just dont know what to do anymore.
> 
> last night we had some friends over and i was tired. we had a fun and busy day. it was around 1:30am when we went to bed and he wanted sex. i told him i was tired and did not want to do it with our friends sleeping just in the other room. he didnt say anything, rolled over and went to sleep.
> 
> ...


I smell troll here, too, due to the insistence on not listening to what anybody is saying (INCLUDING people who have had affairs...)

But on the chance that this is truly a case of somebody who doesn't "get it":

You have done nothing but reject the man who loves you for several years. Having an EA is rejection. Spending the reconciliation period saying no to him 90% of the time is rejection. Telling him you're tired and your friends are in the room next door? Rejection. Trying to make it up the next morning by doing something that is so out of character and completely obvious because you said no the night before? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Why? Because that was entirely on YOUR terms, not his.

You may have been tired. You may be self conscious of your guests down the hall. Whatever. That;s YOUR problem, not his. And that was on YOUR terms, not his. WHICH IS HOW YOUR SEX LIFE HAS GONE FOR THE PAST SEVERAL YEARS.

So this makes him desire you sexually how, exactly?

You're asking for "real" advice. You've been given it. DO THE HEAVY LIFTING.

If you haven't figured out what this means, exactly, then you're too self-absorbed to go any further with this marriage. Your husband already knows this.

So let me put this into words you understand: He requires you to show him you are sorry, and that you love him, and that he is important to you. SHOW him. Not TELL him. Jeebus.

Yet you are constantly rejecting him because YOU'RE not in the mood, or too tired.

All this tells him is that nothing is changed, and that YOU are your main priority, not him.

Heavy lifting means you actually do work, my dear, not just discuss it and shift the blame to him. You tell him he is partially responsible for YOUR affair?

Good luck to you, you're going to need it. If I was treated this way by a cheating spouse (EA or PA, doesn't matter), I wouldn't have lasted as long as he has.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

countrygirl84 said:


> hi
> 
> it was around 1:30am when we went to bed and he wanted sex. i told him i was tired and did not want to do it with our friends sleeping just in the other room. he didnt say anything, rolled over and went to sleep.


UFB.

Kind of lowered the cannon and shot a hole in your own boat there didn't you?



countrygirl84 said:


> i need some real advice here,


 :rofl: 


Anyway...

You want to be taken, he wants to rock your world, and nothing less.
There you have it!

When the connection and passion develop naturally its very believable.



countrygirl84 said:


> I did apologize and was extremely sincere. He's mentioned flirting by phone and sexting but I'm not comfortable with that. Anyone can intercept that and see it so that's not going to happen. I just don't like the idea of things being out there.


What is your favorite position, "Starfish"?

He is asking you for something. 

What is it? 

Is there another way to accomplish it. Don't take it passive laying down and dismiss it because you don't care for the method he mentioned, can you put a little creative effort into warming each other up, creating desire and connection?




countrygirl84 said:


> the other night we were talking about this yet again and how he was feeling. i already wasnt in a good mood and didnt want to deal with this as well. without even thinking i told him this lack of intimacy we are having is just as much his fault as mine since he wont even try to initiate. *he then got loud and told me it is 100% my fault as i am the one that did this to him.* i just dont know some days.


Do you think he means this?

I wish I had an easy answer for you. :banghead:



Your mutual lack of empathy/sympathy is disturbing.

You realize that is the place to start to heal right?

The dynamic has to change, words and actions filtered and intimate conversation has to happen. Is that not obvious?

The hurt, resentment/blame must be replaced (through acceptance and understanding and forgiveness) with empathy/sympathy.

Whose responsibility is it to start? Whomever wants to save the relationship.

Get the counseling that focuses on this , make a plan and follow it together.

Don't be so fking clueless.

I really do wish you both well.
Take care.

FYI, here are some links to start you thinking about it. They are not just relative to Autism Spectrum but anytime empathy/sympathy vacate a relationship.

http://www.queensu.ca/rarc/services...ertGauthierfromRARCworkshop2014/EQArticle.pdf

https://psychology-tools.com/empathy-quotient/



.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It is the entitlement that astonishes me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

One thing I do to help people who just don't get it is to interpret male. In other words when he said or did this it meant this. and when she said or did this he heard this.

So here is what happend Saturday morning. Aftyer a long day of warming him up, he worked up the pluck to do what you have been demanding (initiate sex with you). You told him you were tired and you didn't want the guests in the next room to hear. What he heard was this, I was just kidding all day with the flirting, (followed by kick in the crotch). You invited yourself to his shower and initiated (something you have been refusing to do. What he heard was this, I had so much fun teasing you all day yesterday I'd like to get an early start today. He said I'm not in the mood, He meant, Here is a return kick to your crotch. He tossed the box of Condoms. What he was saying, I have no plan of having sex with you. He rejected your idea to buy a new box. What he was saying, I don't plan on having sex with you ever. or I don't believe you have any true intention to have sex with me.

How you could have communicated what you were trying to say, without causing grevious ego injury. He initiates at 1:30 AM With guests in the next room. You want to say I love you but maybe this isn't a good time. You say, "Do we have some duct tape? I'd hate to scream!" 

Stop slamming doors. Stop building barriers. Stop asking him to jump through another Hoop. And last but not least, you had better start believeing what he is saying.
MN


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

There is so much wrong with this, not sure where to start.

I've been in your husbands shoes. And the BEST thing I ever did for myself was cutting her loose.

She started withholding and turning down advances left and right after about a year in. Frequency went from daily (or multiple times daily) until about 6 months in. It dwindled from there. I kept trying. Trying to romance her. I got all the normal excuses. I'm tired. Had a bad day. You're just doing this to get laid. My mind needs to be right for it to happen. Bla, bla, freakin' bla. For every attempt, there was an excuse.

Where I started to really lose all attraction for her was a night when we hadn't had sex for two months. We'd been staying with family, and they were gone for the night. I made a nice dinner. We ate. I snuck into the bedroom and lit candles and put on soft music. When we went to bed...we walked into the room, and she laughed at me. And said she was too tired, but "tsk" and *eye roll* "go ahead if you want to". 

I withdrew. Big time. Especially after that. It was kind of the straw that broke the camels back for me. After a year of constant rejection, I could initiate no more. I also suspected her cheating. One night I found a number of a male co-worker hidden deep in her purse (before cell phones were in wide use). I knew what was going on though I couldn't prove it. But for months I never heard the end of how I "violated her privacy".

No apologies...she was just pissed I went through her purse (which I hadn't ever done until I suspected something). 

I recall at one point, I'd mentioned to her it had been 9 or 10 weeks since we'd had sex. She laughed and said I was being ridiculous. I told her I could prove it, that I "x'd" it on the calendar. All I got in return was guffah's and anger that I'd actually done that.

I'd had enough. Told her I was through. We stayed together for a little while longer, but I just had nothing left in me for her. When I started making plans to move out of state, and had solid leads on jobs, THEN she started initiating. While I was interested in sex, it wasn't with her. Yeah, we had it a couple times, and I figured I'd give it "one more shot". I initiated again, only to get shot down and get the "see...if we have sex, it isn't enough for you (several days later after months of no sex)...it's all you think about!"

I finalized plans to move. She became more aggressive...screwin' me like her freedom depended on it. Too late. I was done. I knew it was only a ploy to get me to stay. And if I did, she would return to old form in short order. It got so bad that when she initiated, I could no longer get an erection. I never again initiated with her. Had no interest in sex with her.

She never did the "heavy lifting" as has been mentioned here until it was too late. I was gone. Only then did she want to "really work on us". 

Many women think men are like a light switch....and just the mere suggestion of sex, we're ready to go and should feel thankful for the opportunity. And oh-holy-hell do they then get a serious case of butt hurt if you have the nerve to turn them down!

You need to understand when in a relationship, we need to feel close and connected too. And that's not possible without sex (barring a medical reason for it), and not possible when you're constantly rejected. Add those two things together with a woman who is CHEATING ON YOU and not taking full responsibility for it, and all but the most hard core "nice guys" are going to run for the hills.

You "need to feel right" to do it. Uhm, ok. But he needs to feel right to be romantic with you and show you affection. And THAT is not happening with a woman who has constantly rejected him and cheated on him. Throwing him occasional bread crumbs simply WILL NOT WORK and will not turn him into your Casanova overnight. He needs to see that you're making serious, long term effort and change, and that you truly desire him as a man. If you can't do that and get over your "need" to "be in the mood" or "have your mind in the right place" until such time as he believes you, your relationship is likely doomed. And once he's gone, I'll bet you "get in the mood" real quick. If he has a hair on his balls, he'll tell you to kick rocks.

Stop making him try to jump through hoops for breadcrumbs. It's your turn.

My guess is he has long ago checked out of this relationship. He may not have the balls to leave yet, but he's all but gone. I would be.

Not trying to be an azz, just telling you how it is from someone who has experienced it and has been there...and will never go "there" again. Can you save it? Maybe. But you'd better start now. Stop thinking of what YOU need to turn this around, and start thinking of what HE needs to turn this around. Do that, and what you need may just follow.

Don't want to put in the work? Tell him so and cut him loose.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

donny64 said:


> Many women think men are like a light switch....and just the mere suggestion of sex, we're ready to go and should feel thankful for the opportunity. And oh-holy-hell do they then get a serious case of butt hurt if you have the nerve to turn them down!
> 
> You need to understand when in a relationship, we need to feel close and connected too. And that's not possible without sex (barring a medical reason for it), and not possible when you're constantly rejected. Add those two things together with a woman who is CHEATING ON YOU and not taking full responsibility for it, and all but the most hard core "nice guys" are going to run for the hills.
> 
> You "need to feel right" to do it. Uhm, ok. But he needs to feel right to be romantic with you and show you affection. And THAT is not happening with a woman who has constantly rejected him and cheated on him. Throwing him occasional bread crumbs simply WILL NOT WORK and will not turn him into your Casanova overnight.


Nailed it with this post. I suggest all women, no matter how good you are to your partner, read this and commit it to memory.

I recently had this exact conversation with my wife. It's not an easy one to have, as it's not "manly" to admit to needing to be warmed up to get in the mood.

I believe the problem starts when we're younger, and men (boys) do feed into the stereotype of "good to go at the drop of a hat". Generally speaking, we WOULD nail anything that moves. Most young relationships only last a few months, maybe a year, and the majority of sexual interaction is rather casual at a younger age.

The problem is that this mindset, as far as women are concerned, transfers over into adulthood, LTR's and marriage, and we guys get pigeon-holed as one-dimensional horndog boobs, who will do anything for sex.

To be fair, many of us guys shy away from expressing ourselves in situations like this. As I said, it's not "manly" to be needy. It was an eye opener for my wife to hear me talk about this, and it's too early to tell if I shot myself in the foot.

As far as my wife is concerned, she's never had a relationship longer than ~3 years, and in both cases, they were rather dysfunctional and with men who weren't capable of expressing themselves very well. So to spend 35 years+ thinking that men only need a "let's go" in order to get in the mood, was a bit mind-blowing for her, I think.

So to me, the bottom line is that we may not be as "complicated" as women tend to be when it comes to sex, but we're also not that easy, either. No, it doesn't take a whole lot to get us in the mood, but it takes more than what many women seem to think is sufficient, too.

For several years now, in my marriage, it seems to be perfectly fine to make the assumption that there will be sex on the weekend. Once. Usually Saturday, but sometimes Friday. Every other day of the week is more or less off limits, and it's not a verbal thing, either. It's a non-verbal assumption.

Now, the common refrain from many women is that the work week is too busy, they're tired, have to get up early, whatever. Okay, fine. But what if we guys only ever showed any sort of affection towards our wives on certain days of the week. Saturday night is cuddling on the couch night. No kissing or holding hands until the weekend. Too tired. Not in the right mindset. Have to get up early and just want to watch the ball game, sorry. So Sunday through Thursday, I'm just going to come home from work, and sit on the couch, maybe nod off around 9. My wife tries to snuggle up with me, and I tell her I'm not in the mood. Or I turn my back, or I tell her I'm gross and need to shower, don't touch me.

For whatever reason, these excuses are often acceptable in reverse, yet they would have the same effect on my wife as her reluctance to show me love, in my preferred method, do to me. When she figures out that I'll only give her love and affection on certain days of the week - when I'M ready - will have a very negative effect on how she views me. We end up turning into Pavlov's dog: ring the bell on Saturday night, and we come running. And the rest of the week, we know nothing's going to happen, so we don't beg.

Men and women are remarkably similar in so many ways. Yes, it's easier to turn us guys on, but we still need to be turned on, and this is what's often missing in marriages like mine. My wife enjoys sex, but its a weekend thing, and as far as she's concerned, it's enough that she's trained me as such, and therefore she needs to do absolutely nothing all week, or even right up until it's sexy time. I mean literally. It's at the point where we both know it's coming, but there's no teasing or playfulness with me throughout the day (let alone the week). It's bedtime, and she's not in her baggy PJ's! Oh boy!

Her excuse for not touching, or otherwise being sexy or flirty with me the rest of the week? (apart from not wanting to do it...). She doesn't want to get my hopes up and get me frustrated, thinking we're going to have sex.

Getting it across to her that this is amazingly insulting to me is a hard sell. Just because you touch me doesn't mean I won't be able to control myself and absolutely require sex.

It's just such a double standard, in my opinion. We men need more than a "let's go" to get in the mood, and we certainly don't mind some flirting, touching or suggestive behaviour that doesn't result in sex. Yet this is the stereotype that so many people fall into, and it's a shame that more women don't get this.

*ETA - the thing that bothers me quite a bit, is that some women seem to think they're the only gender that gets any emotional or intimate benefits from sex. This leads to the mindset that it's only a necessity when they require it. When we men require it, it's only about getting laid. Therefore, they feel somewhat used should we want sex when they don't want it. This is how we end up with the go-to phrases like "okay, fine" or "make it quick, I have to get up early". Or a simple "No". It's about changing the mindset. Yes, we men require physical sex, and sometimes sex is just sex. But what so many people fail to realize is that we can achieve the physical release on our own (and are happy to do so, I might add). When we want sex with you, our wives, there's ALWAYS an element of intimacy and emotional closeness that is required at that point. Yes, sometimes having the orgasm is the primary motivation, but if we had zero desire for intimacy with you, we'll take care of it ourselves, plain and simple.

And the emotional/intimacy factor is FAR more prevalent in our desire for you than you may think. It's so very rarely solely about the sex for us "normal" men. It's getting it across to women, like my wife, that my sexual desire for her is not about getting laid, that it's a desire to be intimate with her, to be close. Even if it's 5 minutes long. But so many women are taught to believe that sex, for men, is about the orgasm, and that we're using them solely for that.

As I mentioned earlier in this post, I can understand how women are brought up this way. We're horny teenagers, then we turn into horny 20-somethings. If your entire upbringing consists of guys hitting on you or trying to pick you up for one night stands, or all your early relationships end after a few months (which is normal with young relationships), then yes, I can see how it makes us men look like all we want is sex.

But once we settle down, find somebody we love and want to share our lives with, then our views on sex are remarkably similar, and the requirements are often the same as yours are.


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

Correct me if I'm wrong here. But I feel like what the OP wants, is permission to leave?! 

I mean, she has turned him down, crushed his confidence, been insensitive, refused closure through a poly, and blamed it all on him. She even turned him down at 1:30 when he finely started to feel good enough to hit on her. Just "too tired", couldn't have possibly said anything else that showed her interest was there, but it really was the body holding her back!

This guy sounds like an irrational jerk. You should leave him guilt free. You tried every thing you could, not your fault. Happy now?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Gonecrazy said:


> Correct me if I'm wrong here. But I feel like what the OP wants, is permission to leave?!
> 
> I mean, she has turned him down, crushed his confidence, been insensitive, refused closure through a poly, and blamed it all on him. She even turned him down at 1:30 when he finely started to feel good enough to hit on her. Just "too tired", couldn't have possibly said anything else that showed her interest was there, but it really was the body holding her back!
> 
> This guy sounds like an irrational jerk. You should leave him guilt free. You tried every thing you could, not your fault. Happy now?


No, you are misreading her. What she wants is to rug sweep. She wants instant absolution and for him to magically be what he was before she broke him. Or rather what he was before he was bi-polar. 

The magic wand she is asking for doesn't exist. If she just wanted to leave him because he is mentally ill that would be cruel, but understandable. But to demand that he be instantly cured not only from the illness but also from her betrayal and her continuing rejection, well that's just not going to happen. And, even if it did happen she would still keep rejecting him 90% of the time because she is also not cured.
MN


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP... You mentioned that you are overweight and have low self esteem because of it?

You claim you want sex with him, but when he tries (the night your friends were over) you shoot him down. This makes NO sense.

Why not go on a diet, hit the gym, and stop projecting your own low esteem and insecurities at your poor husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

countrygirl84 said:


> ..... this really is killing my sex drive now and he wants me to come and initiate? he has told me thats what he needs but i cant do it when he is always so negative and down.
> 
> i need some real advice here, and not some just leave him or i deserve this stuff, because nobody deserves what we are going through.



The thing is that you know why your husband, the man you claim to love, is negative and down.

You did it to him.

Yeah, your husband may not have been the best he could have been during the early marriage troubles, but the position where he is at concerning you is your doing.

Instead of reaching out to your husband and really trying to find out what you both can do to get the marriage/relationship back on track, you reach out to your work buddy.

Based on what you wrote about concerning your husbands reaction to your phone and what he found, I'm guessing (like mentioned before) that you did flirt and maybe even "sext" your work buddy.

But wait....you can't do this with your husband because it will be out there and someone might see/find it. Oh the horror it would be if anyone ever found out that you might be showing your husband, the man you love, some affection and even being playful with him like someone that you really love and cherish.

Better to just do this with some offhand work buddy since it will all be ok then.

And not to beat the point to death because I'm not sure if you really want/can understand but your direct actions towards your husband has caused him to not want to be intimate with you.

The advice and comments that are starting to pile up for you may seem harsh and overly negative but it is something that you need to really understand.

YOU DID this to your husband and he does need you to do what can be done to FIX what YOU broke.

He seems(ed) to be trying to do what he could to re-bond but you can only pound on a closed door so much before you decide that it will never open.

Good luck.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

**Crickets**


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## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE (Mar 13, 2015)

Countrygirl - If you are truly who you say and need advice. Here it is....

You say you love your husband.

Good do him a favor. Leave. Do not ask for anything in the divorce and leave.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> OP... You mentioned that you are overweight and have low self esteem because of it?
> 
> You claim you want sex with him, but when he tries (the night your friends were over) you shoot him down. This makes NO sense.
> 
> ...


Because if she got slim and sexy and men started paying attention to her, what do you think would happen? She already has shown she has had the desire and propensity to cheat. Getting fit and sexy would be throwing gasoline on a lit match. 

This has nothing to do with self esteem. She has lots of self esteem. SELF is all she is about. Her actions show this.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Not sure if CG is still hanging around after being taken to the proverbial woodshed, but I came back and read this all again because of the similarities to my earlier relationship, and some things really jumped out at me. Some things that if she hears it from a guy who went through it, and who is not just biding his time with her and trying to just exist with her, may help her (and by extension, him).




> he tells me that he wants me to touch him like i used to just out of the blue and i'll sometimes give him a quick grab but he wants me to fondle him again like i did before. i get uncomfortable doing that and honestly only really touch him at all only during sex in the few times per year we have it.


I suppose the few times you threw him some breadcrumbs and had sex with him, he either initiated and you said "oh...okay, go ahead", or if you initiated it was with a "wanna have sex tonight"?

If you want the romance he showed you in the beginning, you damn well better start figuring out how to romance him (show him he's desirable and you want to screw his brains out) as you did in the beginning. You know...when you were trying to hook him before he got gut hooked, married you, and you were able to comfortably back off. Or, you know, like how you fantasized about doing with your little affair partner.

YOU damaged him. It is up to you to build him back up. If you don't do it, he'll do it on his own, and with someone else. Guaranteed.




> he has caught me rolling my eyes before when he says something and says he sees that as a sign of disrespect.


Huge sign of disrespect. That chit may fly on most of today's TV programs where it is in such vogue to make all men out to be bumbling idiots with the oh-so-intelligent and enlightened TV wife getting frustrated and rolling her eyes to get a laugh from the audience, but in real life, it's disrespectful. 

Use your words. If you have a problem with what he's saying, verbalize it. An eye roll or a shake of the head tells him you think he's an idiot, and is not worthy of your time to discuss with him and understand what he's saying or doing, nor is he worthy of your respectful compassion and understanding if he makes a mistake. 

My ex did it a lot. I put up with it. I was a moron for doing so. As far as I'm concerned it's nothing more than a chit test at best, or just blatant disregard and disrespect for the person it is directed towards at worst.

My present W did it to me once, early on. I told her to not do it again. I wasn't her ex, I wasn't an azzhole, I wasn't a idiot, and I did not appreciate it. She tried, once more, a week later. She got her chit test answer real quick on that one when I turned around and left. Seven years later, I've not seen another one. 

Severe? Maybe. But I won't tolerate it. I will not do it to her, and I expect the same in return. 



> this is the kind of stuff i have to deal with that makes it hard for me. i want this to work, i really do.


Nah, you don't. You want it to work on your terms, where you can mentally castrate him, and still have him stick around as your "comfort buddy" roommate. As long as he leaves you alone sexually.



> A polygraph? You have to be kidding? That is ridiculous and way over the top. I told him everything and he needs to trust that. I understand it will take time to build that trust but I'm willing to wait.


No, he doesn't need to trust that. Not in the freakin' least. In fact he'd be a fool to do so. YOU need to earn his trust back. And you're not even trying. And I believe you are deathly afraid of what a polygraph would reveal. Nice try at the indignant "it's not a federal offense" argument, but nobody is buying it.

You're willing to wait? Good for you. Maybe he's not. And that's YOUR fault and problem...not his.



> he made a comment about how our box of condoms had expired and he tossed them out.


Why the hell are you using condoms with your husband? Lemme guess....some other form of birth control is "uncomfortable" for you. So instead you've insisted he use a BARRIER during what is the most intimate act two people who supposedly love each other can do. Instead of finding something else that works.

Hell, you could be my ex. Tell ya what. Keep doing as she did, on all fronts (you're right on track) and end up where she did (and is). Now getting her second divorce since me (which makes FOUR total to include ours). Change your mindset, or that is where you're headed. Brutally but truthfully, your vagina is not plated with gold. Any man of self worth will not put up with this chit just to get in it occasionally. That includes snot nosed jockers from the office or gym who know they can b.s. chicks like you and "give you what your husband wasn't" or give you "what was missing in my marriage" by playing with your low self esteem, attention seeking head to get into your panties. Because they know you'll fall for it. And because they know you're safe (married) and they don't have to put any effort into trying to bed a quality, smart, intelligent, single woman. Instead they go for the "easy targets"....the 30-40 something married and bored women who often enough will drop their panties and fug their husbands and families over for a silly compliment or two. Insecure and bored married women make for easy targets. There isn't a swingin' d!ck around that don't know that. But yet so many of these same women apparently don't. And fall for it. It's just sad and pathetic when an attention seeking woman falls for this. Even sadder when a man realizes the woman he loved, cherished, and had faith in fell for such lame crap. 

Think about that. Your man knows you fell for some lame crap. Do you not feel that you need to up your standing in his eyes now? No? Well, you should. Because he knows how ridiculous you were. I suppose were he predisposed to it, you'd be getting a few dozen of those eye rolls yourself about now.

Is your man a man of self worth? Maybe you should treat him like it and find out before he just mans up and leaves you in the middle of the street with your mouth open with a "WTF just happened" look on your face.

IF you want to make it right with him, and truly make it work, come back to the forum. It might sting more than a little, but you can get some good advice and get pointed in the right direction. If you really want to. Right now you don't. And not only do the people on the forum see it, more importantly HE SEES IT.


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## MainHusband (Jul 13, 2015)

Trust is like a glass vase. Once you've broken it - it can never be the same again. 
Oh - you can probably do your best to glue it back together, but you'll always see the flaws. No matter how much you try to ignore them.
My wife and I have been together for nearly seven years and when we first got together, she cheated on me. I had always told myself that I would never tolerate cheating, but I am so addicted to and in love with this woman that I was willing to give her another chance. So I after so soul searching, I told myself I wouldn't let it bother and decided to push the issue to the back of my mind and forgive her. However, each time I kissed her, I I couldn't help but wonder if she kissed that other guy the same way. Whenever we were intimate, I wondered if she did things with him that she did with me. When she was talking on her phone and walked into another room, I wondered "WHY" and found myself listening carefully. After a while, I stopped wanting to have sex with her. I stopped wanting to talk to her. I stopped wanting to be near her. I still loved her, but everything about her reminded me of what she did to me. How she disrespected me and embarrassed me. This went on for months and we both knew it wouldn't get any better until one day she asked me, "Are you ever going to forgive me?" I knew and she knew it wasn't over until we talked about it. I had to ask her questions and she needed to answer them. I needed to know all the WHO - WHAT - WHEN - WHERE - HOW and WHY of the cheating. All the details, right down to the sneaking around and meeting places or it would never be worked out. Once all the cards were on the table, she then handed me her phone and showed me it had no passwords or phone lock. She assured me that anytime I asked for it she would let me see it. She also gave me her Facebook password and offered me to go on her Facebook anytime I felt the need. Needless to say, I never once needed to look in her phone or go on her Facebook after that. Just the notion that she offered it to me was enough restore my trust. Don't get me wrong, the vase still has cracks, but not nearly as noticeable as before. Over time, you find more and more missing pieces and fill in those cracks.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> you were comfortable doing this with your affair partner weren't you? Why not the man you made vows to?


Testify, Brother Bandit!!!


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

HI countrygirl It seems a lot of water has gone under that bridge. ! common thread is it seems he wants a "public" display of ur love. (sex with friends in the next room, text and messages) and ur worried someone might see them. (so someone sees a text to ur husband so what?) You both seem to be doing some self sabotaging. It does sound like its time to piss or get off the pot. Good luck


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