# Work in progress long story



## Doc (Apr 14, 2011)

I’m new to the TAM, and I want to share my story with all of you. But first, English is my 2nd language, so I apologized for all typos and grammar.

I’m 41 and my wife 38, we been married for 17yrs, but together 20yrs. We have to kids a 16 and a 15. I’m a medic in the army for almost 14yrs, I have done 3 tours to Iraq and in a couple of months I will be finishing my 4th tour here in Iraq again. 

Well here is my Story:

All started after my 3rd deployment to Iraq that last 14 months, I got order to PCS to another Fort, Our relationship till this moment is been what I think like another regular marriage with ups and downs, nothing out of the ordinary and no infidelity to this point. Well I’m looking forward to this new duty station because is my break from all my deployments, so we pack our stuff, we rent our house and we move to the new fort. So I report to my new company and I start to work, my wife she found a job downtown, and everything is moving like always do, kids are school. The only problem was that my job was taking all the time from me and the family, I got station in a training school for soldiers and now I’m spending 21 days in the field every month back to back, going to work a 5am and getting back by 9pm or more, sometimes till next day, plus we work wknds and holydays, "And this is a break from deployments".'

My wife, she like to sing, so we find a place where they do karaoke, and she start to go, she meet new friends, she look happy and I’m happy for her, but because my job and the long hours I’m usually tired, with stress from work, plus I don’t like to go out to clubs, I try to please her by going, but I’m tired and mad because I see same people from work at the club too "is a really small town". She gets mad at me all the time because I kill the fun for her and she wants to go home. So it got to the point that she stops asking me to go out with her to the club, just from time to time I went. 8 months later I start seen changes in my wife, the way she was dressing, she was working out trying to lose weight, she was spending a lot of time in the computer, she was happier with her friends, but with me she start to push me away. If I try to give her a kiss she will give me her cheek, if I want sex she is in her PMS. At this time I notice that almost every wk she was on PMS. one day I try to have sex and she came with the same excuse and I told her this is not your wk, her response was "What now are you keeping with my cycle", and I said: well what you expect I’m a Medic. At this point our relationship is going down we fight all the time and sex once a month.

So one weekend her sister came to visit, with her husband and they stay at the house. It was a Friday so she invited her sister to the club, but she didn’t went because her husband don’t drink no more, plus she was tired from the trip. so I stay at the house with them will she went to the club, so I decide to go to bed, I grab her laptop and I noticed that she forgot to log out her e-mail, when I was going to log her out I saw e-mails from different dudes, now I’m like WTF?, in this e-mails where like she was playing with them, trying to meet with them, telling lies that she was sick, that she was going thru therapy. So I change my clothes, and I went to the club told her get in the car, I told her that I read her email. I ask her what she was doing, she said was nothing that she was playing around, that it wasn’t nothing serious, I told her to stop that and cancel those accounts. She told me that she canceled the accounts, so for the next month we were ok. One day she told that she has a Dr. Appointment and she was going with her friend, hour away from our house, but anyway I was at work. I start to notice the same patterns again in her attitude, but this time I notice that she put a pin in her phone, she deleted al txt msg, she was in the phone all the time, everywhere we go the phone was ringing, I told her can we have some time together without her phone.

I noticed that every time I use the computer the history was empty, and I know that my wife is not to smart with the computers. Plus I have a degree in computer programming. So I decide to do a search on Spouses Cheating, and after reading several web-sites I notice that my wife had every single pattern of a cheating spouse. I couldn't believe that, I’m like how I’m going to find out if she is cheating or not. While she was at work I start to check my phone bill, and I started to call numbers. Keep checking the computer but nothing out of the normal, most of the stuff was from the kids playing online, so I stop checking the computer. At the end of the month she celebrated my birthday with her friends but, before her friends got to my house she was outside talking in the phone. 

A few days after my birthday I decide to check the computer, I knew that my kids been playing a lot online lately. So looking thru the folders I saw her e-mail and that she was sending e-mail to one dude, I keep reading , she was telling him she like the pictures that he send, that she couldn’t wait to see him and kiss him again and may be more. They are trying to get a day to see each other but is hard for her because that wk they move me to a different section at work so I’m spending more time at home; at this time my heart is destroyed, I don’t know what to do, she is at work and she do closing that night. I grab the phone bill and start calling but this time I’m writing the name of the people that I call, most of them were females that answer except one, he told me his name was "****", I went online and I talk to a friend of mine he is a detective he did a reverse phone number locator with that I have his real name, his address and his wife name; I start to call at his house trying to get in hold of his wife. “I Love technology, it can help you and destroy at the same time”,

I’m still hurt, I can’t sleep, I can’t be in bed with her so I decide to go down stairs, and I start to write a letter to her. I came back to be and she ask me what is going on with me is 3 am in the morning and you have to work in 2 hrs and I show the letter and she said what I did now, and I said you tell me , I know about you and “****” that both of you going to see each other today while I’m working, she didn’t said nothing, she was in shock, she told me that they only kiss once, and that was the first time they meet "That was her Dr Appointment that she went by herself, she didn’t went with her friend". 


I told her that I hired a detective to follow her, and that he already have his address and even if he change the number he will know it. I told her that if she wants the Divorce and she said no. I’m so hurt that I start to cry, and I grab the phone again and I call the guy she was telling me not to do it because they have a baby and she didn’t want something to happen to them. That make me more furious and I said so WTF you don’t care about ours. So I call and a female answer me and I start talking, my wife start to fight because I call, “but the true was that he change the phone number and the lady on the phone was I’m sorry sir I just got this number” I told my wife that she need to send a e-mail to no contact her, what she send a “I’m sorry” note to him.

At this time everything is affecting my life, I’m having problems at work, can’t concentrate. We talk about the situation, and we start to change, our relationship got better, our sex drive went up again. With the situation I lost 25lbs, I have to get new clothes; I went from a large to a size small. I start to go out with her to the club; I made a few very good friends there. She starts to get jealous from the females at the club because they started to look at me. I decide to move back to my old unit, don’t want to be in a place where I have bad memories and for that I have to release my dwell time and with that came another deployment where I’m at.

So I left again in my forth deployment to Iraq, I been calling my wife everyday at least for 10minutes, she been working and taking classes. It’s been a year since this happen, but our communication has dropped again. 

I have a 14 days of leave for been deployed, so I came home visit my friends, to spend time with the kids and wife. So my wife is telling me that the computer is really slow is hard for her to get online and do her home work, everything looks fine in the house. 

I start to check the computer and start to delete games that my sons have uploaded. I decide to check my outlook account and guest what I found “yeahp” she sending e-mails to a few guys and this time I have photos of one of them, so I start to check the computer folders I went all the way back from my day of the deployment, the first 3 months she was spending time online on Craig**** looking for furniture and small stuff , then she started to go to the personals, just reading, then she replied to a post, but didn’t know she was using my email. 

Then she replied to another post twice, she posted about a guy driving a truck that was handsome, then she made a new e-mail to use it for that website, she send a email that she’s only looking for a friend and with the time maybe some benefits, she meet with one guy, but because her work and her school hours and her second job is hard for her to see him again, also my sister she was coming to visit, so she send him a e-mail that please erase her phone and don’t contact her, that it wasn’t going to work out, the last email was 4 months ago after that she didn’t went back to any website, only school work.

I’m playing stupid and I’m telling her that I found a few virus in the computer, that I’m trying to get out and I said one is a “W4M” women for male and the other one is “M4W” male for womens and they came from this crairg site, she turn around and didn’t said nothing. So I call her and sit her in the computer, by now she knows that I found something but didn’t said nothing, and I teller look at my email and I start to show the emails and pictures, then I take the print out of her new e-mail and I told her and this what my investigator found.	

We start to fight again and I said again the “D” word, and I ask her what she wants, why this again, this time was her crying not me, she knew that I was serious with the “D”, I told her “I love you but can live like this”, so I ask her again do you really want this, and she said no. She told me that she stop emails and going to the sites months ago, I’m already knew that. She said that she realized what she was doing and stop and send the email to the guy. So we kiss we made love, after that we did not talk about the situation. 

In the way back to Iraq, I found this web site and I start to read, similar situations, about the EA and PA, I went to affair care, read the articles and I realized that we haven’t fix nothing . 

Usually we talk around 10 to 15 minutes on the phone a is not privacy here to talk, somebody is sitting using the phone next to me. So in one of my calls I told her that we need to talk about the situation, if she wants our marriage to work, I told her that I’m going to start writing e-mails asking questions, she was quiet all the time. 

I send the first e-mail and a second one, she replied that she couldn’t open them, I send them again this time she was able to read it. In first letter I told her that if she want to work our relation she have to give me her password, emails etc. I just follow the article, she did, she answer me the questions. 

I told her that I learned a lot in this forum, I send her copy of the articles about EA, PA because she thought she wasn’t doing anything wrong she was looking for attention. She opened to me telling me why how slowly we been moving apart, that’s when I saw myself on the Love Extinguishers. 

We start to share our thoughts true email in that way we are comfortable and express ourselves. I call her the other morning, she told me that she have hard time sleeping, I can hear in her voice that she was crying all night, for what I said in one of the letters. She replied back telling me what she see wrong in our marriage, I broke the letter in pieces and made it like she was asking question (all of them where in direct questions that she made, and I answer every single one). I still am trying to get her to talk, in the phone she still holding back. 

Today I ordered some flowers for her, then I call her in the phone but I didn’t mention the flowers, she was talking to me just because I didn’t touch the subject of the letters, I can hear her sad voice. After 2 hrs I call again, she was on her break, I ask one of the employs if she received the flowers, she told me that she was really happy, that when she read the card she only mention my name. 

I got hold of her and I ask her if she like the flowers, even when I can’t see her, I felt how happy she was. 

We are part of the problem, she is doing her part opening to me and I know if I don’t do my part in changing myself we won’t make it. 

I’m glad that I found TAM and Affair care, every day I read something new to help me and my wife to continue forward.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I know this sounds like a freakin' cliche but thank you for your service and sacrifice to our nation.

As I said in another post, when I made the decision to divorce my remorseful but unfaithful wife, it tore me to pieces. Because despite her betrayal, deep down I still loved this woman so much and had been such a kind and loving soul with me prior to her full blown affair. But I knew that if I continued being married to her that I would become an angry, bitter and mistrustful middle aged man who would make her life - and mine - a living hell. I figure that in one year after my divorce became finalized, that my personal recovery was on a par with betrayed husbands who chose to remain married reaching the 5th year mark.

The question you should ask yourself is, IF your wife was remorseful and willing to become an open book *"do I have the emotional fortitude to weather the emotional storms of marital recovery and not become someone I despise in the process?* Your honest answer will tell you how to proceed.


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