# How often do you sleep in the other room?



## Tucker T (Aug 22, 2014)

I'm about to go to bed, but not in the same room as her...

Over the past few days, I haven't been giving her much attention (because I've been working on a new business) and last night she reciprocated with zero affection in the bed...

I'm not even talking about sex, I mean no spooning or cuddling. I even gave her a couple friendly pokes and she completely ignored them (No, she wasn't asleep yet).

I really can't stand sleeping in the same bed with a woman who doesn't want to cuddle...

Anyway, we had an argument this morning... And she was standoffish tonight, so I'm sleeping in a different room.

It's not about trying to make her feel bad.., it's about feeling like a man.... And I don't feel like a man when I'm laying next to a stiff...

Can anybody relate?

How often do you guys go through this kind of thing in your relationships.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

What was the argument about and how has it been dealt with between both of you, aside from her being standoffish and you sleeping elsewhere? Is this a common occurrence, how old are you both, how long have you both been together?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

every freaking weekend. (we sleep in different shifts during the week) but it seems like she makes me wish I had a spare bed at least one of the other two nights. It may be that I sleep alone so much that I just got to prefer it.

I wish I could tell you it will help. I usually just wake up more ornery
MN


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Tucker T said:


> I'm about to go to bed, but not in the same room as her...
> 
> Over the past few days, I haven't been giving her much attention (because I've been working on a new business) and last night she reciprocated with zero affection in the bed...
> 
> ...


I can relate to the part about starting up a new business and the "_ attention deficit_ " towards my wife, because I'm currently working on another, exciting business venture that's taking up huge amounts of time. Part of it online ,webinars , B2B sourcing forums and the time zone differences make it even a bit more difficult.

So sometimes we don't actually go to bed together, or even sleep together.

However my wife isn't resentful , in fact she supports me in this new business venture, and ,constantly communicate and we still share intimacy on different levels.

So that leads me to think maybe you wife is resentful because of something you did , are doing or didn't do.

I'm not saying that she's right or wrong to act this way , but I think her actions might be the symptom of a deeper issue.

It might be beneficial to the relationship and for you, to find out exactly what's behind her refusal of at least a minimum amount of intimacy with you.

In long term relationships, intimacy usually follows open communication and understanding.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Never slept in another room.

If it gets to a point like you describe (and it has), we get to work and fix it... 

Maybe its time you asked how? Maybe, like CM said, look to your part in this?


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

no biggy if its one night or a few times. If this becomes the norm, you have an issue.

Women are often emotional creatures and if something is bothering them, they may not be able to brush it off and cuddle.

nothing to see here, unless you repost this in 5 months with the same issue every night.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I question your definition of feeling like a man. 

a man would recognize that he was ignoring his wife and apologize sincerely and not poke her like a six year old. you don't seem very mature.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I never sent my partner to the other room to sleep. And I don't recall him ever storming off to the guest room for any reason. Prior to initiating our divorce, the only times we slept apart were if one of us were out of town or were sick enough that we worried about keeping the other awake. I don't even really understand the dynamic that would be involved in what you're describing. 

No offense, OP, but going to sleep in the other room because your wife doesn't want to cuddle has more than a vague whiff of "I'm taking my toys and going home!" In other words, it doesn't sound like the two of you have a healthy and mature marital dynamic. You're pouting in the other room because she's ignoring you for ignoring her. You sound a little overly enmeshed, and like your communication and conflict resolution skills could maybe use some work.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Haven't slept in the same room with my wife in 5 or more years, I sleep in my man cave. There are many reasons, but I don't see it ever changing. I love sleeping alone. She won't address the issues that drove me out of the bedroom so I kinda take that to mean she is ok with our current arrangement


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Tucker T said:


> Can anybody relate?


Not at all, I'm afraid. The only time my wife and I sleep in separate bedrooms is when one of us is hurting or can't sleep and don't want to keep the other up. She has a lot of pain management issues and if she can't get comfortable, she will sometimes move to the other bed so she can spread out more.

But these are exceptions. Both my W and I prefer to be in the same bed with each other, even if we're mad at each other. All other things equal, I think being in bed together promotes closeness and intimacy, even if it doesn't lead to sex.

You know, when you have these kind of impasses, sometimes one of you just has to bite the bullet and take the first step. Forget about who's right and wrong for a moment; what do you really want? You want her to be a little more intimate. Maybe just snuggle next to her, even if she doesn't respond. Let her know that you are aware that you've not been paying her enough attention, it's just a difficult time, and you still love her and want to feel close to her. And leave it at that. Let your actions speak. She'll either warm up to your closeness or she won't.

Either way, it's hard to do from another bed.

This is such a minor issue. Act before it swells into something bigger.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I can honestly say my husband and I have never slept in another room, we've had our arguments in the past, but never to the point where we have felt the need to leave the room and sleep elsewhere..

I would not want that either.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sounds to me like your wife's priority is her business, not you.

Let that be known to her!!!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I think the other night was one of the very few times I have not slept in the bed with my wife. I was pretty angry with her. Thankfully I get over things very quickly. Say sorry and I am good.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

We have never slept apart. Even when we have been arguing.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I never sleep in the other room. She might upon rare occasion, but I don't. 

I try to never go to bed upset.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Have you bucked up and told her how you feel?

If you aren't expressing how important this is to you, you're just being passive aggressive about it.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

I did the other night but only because we were fighting.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Convection said:


> I think being in bed together promotes closeness and intimacy, even if it doesn't lead to sex.


Hard to want intimacy when you are feeling hurt. Hard to offer intimacy when trust gets bent. I understand, way deep down, that intimacy will heal those issues. I'm just having some trouble facing the medicine.
mn


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

The last time I had an argument with my wife a few weeks ago my response to her request for an apology was to say get over it since I wasn't backing down. Neither of us have any recollection of what the argument was about except to believe it was probably something ridiculous on both our parts.

By the way she did get over it as did I, and we slept together that night as that's what we do.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I'm not giving up our King size bed with the heated semi-motionless water mattress unless I have a gun to my head.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I often sleep in the TV/computer room. 

But not because of fights. But because I tend to stay up later than my wife and ever since I was a kid I fought sleep hard. I love the night time and I've always felt like I was missing something in the world if I went to bed. So I often end up falling asleep on the couch and only dragging myself to bed to cuddle and sleep with my baby early in the morning. I need to work harder on that because she loves, loves having me in bed with her.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Tucker T said:


> I'm about to go to bed, but not in the same room as her...
> 
> Over the past few days, I haven't been giving her much attention (because I've been working on a new business) and last night she reciprocated with zero affection in the bed...
> 
> ...




Well all l can say is you've what , been working on a new business a few days , and already she's behaving like that because for just a few days it's not all about her. No offense but holy hell man .
Most businesses take years to build up and there's a lot more sacrifice than that from each of you , a lot more.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

*Re: Re: How often do you sleep in the other room?*



DoF said:


> Sounds to me like your wife's priority is her business, not you.
> 
> Let that be known to her!!!


He was the one who ignored her for his business, not the other way around.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

who pays the bills?
No fvcking way im sleeping on the couch if the princess doesnt have to get up earlt for work...its a lot easier for a man to get a women to leave the bed in disgust and sleep on the couch, they typically wont win that war


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

I can relate a little bit. My wife is usually sweet and affectionate, but she can be cold and aloof for hours when her feelings are genuinely hurt. I'm an extremely light sleeper anyway and frankly there are other rooms in the house where I would sleep more soundly. This hasn't happened in recent history, but has happened a time or two.

I'm curious though, what do you mean by this?




Tucker T said:


> I even gave her a couple friendly pokes and she completely ignored them (No, she wasn't asleep yet).



I can say pretty confidently that my wife would ignore a friendly poke too. There's better ways of melting the ice...


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Tucker T said:


> I really can't stand sleeping in the same bed with a woman who doesn't want to cuddle...


Maybe you can ammend your marriage contract to read "must be cuddled nightly, and must have bowl of M&Ms on nightstand with NO GREEN M&Ms. Failure to cuddle or a single green M&M will be considered a breach of contract. Oh, and I want a mint on my pillow".



> Anyway, we had an argument this morning...


"About what", I ask out of morbid curiosity already suspecting I won't like the answer.



> It's not about trying to make her feel bad.., it's about feeling like a man.... And I don't feel like a man when I'm laying next to a stiff...


Funny, a lot of guys would say neediness isn't terribly 'manly'. Go figure. So you're going to sleep in another room, and that's going to make you "feel like a man"? Alrighty then.

My work here is done 




> Can anybody relate?
> .


Can't speak for anybody else, but "NO" for me.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Putting my marriage aside (my husband is terrible), I do not believe in sleeping in separate rooms at all. It just doesn't seem healthy at all to a marriage. In fact, I heard it's best to go to bed at the same time. One of 3 things happen: You talk, you cuddle, or you have sex. All of them affect your marriage positively.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I get that you were fighting and that may be part of this whole snafoo...
But have you ever thought about the fact that she might not be a cuddler? ie. Some of us, like me, hate cuddling when we are trying to go to sleep. If she was already annoyed and just wanted to go to sleep, your pokes would have pi$$ed me of fever more. The only time I like cuddling is right after sex or when I am sad. Otherwise, get the H away from me, you are making me hot and uncomfortable.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I think people should do what's best for them. There is no "right" way to be married. There are articles and interviews with people who say their marriage improved with separate rooms. I can see living in separate rooms being very healthy, depending on the needs and personalities of the individuals involved in the marriage.

And what is marriage appropriate changes depending on society, culture, and time. At various times, even today, depending on where you are, it is/was the norm for married people to have separate beds, separate rooms, and even separate abodes. 

There is no "one size fits all" with marriage. There actually never was. Trouble comes when people start expecting everybody to behave according to their ideal of marriage. You can kill your marriage trying to do what people tell you married people are "suppose" to do.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

1-2 times in 20 years


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Tucker T said:


> I'm about to go to bed, but not in the same room as her...
> 
> Over the past few days, I haven't been giving her much attention (because I've been working on a new business) and last night she reciprocated with zero affection in the bed...
> 
> ...


I only sleep in the other room when _I_ want to.

Of course, my wife loves me enough to strongly remind me that I really want to sleep in the other room but forgot.

She's good like that.


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## pushing50 (Aug 5, 2010)

I never have. She has on about half dozen occasions, almost always because she went BSC over the notion that I wanted sex, she didn't, I went to sleep, she stayed up and got pissed in the other room. Beats me.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Tucker T said:


> I'm about to go to bed, but not in the same room as her...
> 
> Over the past few days, I haven't been giving her much attention (because I've been working on a new business) and last night she reciprocated with zero affection in the bed...
> 
> ...


The answer already lies within your post.
Why did you expect her to give you affection when you yourself didn't give her attention in the first place?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> The answer already lies within your post.
> Why did you expect her to give you affection when you yourself didn't give her attention in the first place?


Well to be fair, I've had work crises that have lasted several days too. My wife didn't become aloof and withdrawn because I was trying to keep her in Gucci shoes.


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## Tucker T (Aug 22, 2014)

I appreciate all the input and have learned a tremendous amount from this thread. Thank you all.

Lately, I have been learning about the different needs men and women have in a relationship and realize that I have been failing miserably in fulfilling her needs of bonding and communication.

I admit, I have a very strong sex drive and there has been an extreme lack of sex for years... Which has certainly caused me to become resentful of her, especially when I experience rejection from her...

I used to blame her for not being intimate with me, as if she was "choosing" to do it, but now Im beginning to realize that it has been my own fault all along for many different reasons... and because of these reasons she is simply not attracted to me like she used to be (and probably resentful as well.)

As I spend more time being "present" with her and being genuinely interested in the things that inspire her, I can see her "light up" and become happier, which also leads to increased attraction for me...

I'm working to control my emotional response to not getting my sexual needs met, and transmuting that energy towards more constructive things like bonding with her in a non sexual way, or working on my business... And as a result, she does seem to be reacting to me in a more positive way, and seems more attracted to me as well... She actually initiated sex, recently, for the first time in years which was very exciting.

Anyway, I've gotta run, but I really do thank you for all your input, and I especially appreciate the constructive criticism.

Aloha,
Tuck


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Lets not go overboard here. She has a role to play in this too. It may not be 50:50 but it's not 100:0. Keep reading and thinking before you come up with a plan of action and talk to your wife. I think you got somewhat of an idea but it has not jelled totally yet. 

Can you give more detail about how you think the problems are all you fault? What do you think you have dome to bring this about singlehandedly? You have to get the full story or the gains you have both experienced may not last.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I have checked out and hence prefer the other room.
I don't want to be with her nor do I want to be intimate with her.

My wife is leaving on a trip sometime later this year. She is taking the kids along. Those 40-50 days away from them will give me enough time to reevaluate my life and what she means to me.

If I feel that I cannot be without her....then I will continue this unhappy life of mine. Else and I am quite sure this is where I am heeded. Its the single life with kids.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tucker T said:


> I really can't stand sleeping in the same bed with a woman who doesn't want to cuddle...


:smthumbup:


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You are a good guy Tucker! Good job!


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

"As I spend more time being "present" with her and being genuinely interested in the things that inspire her, I can see her "light up" and become happier, which also leads to increased attraction for me"

That's the key, when a wife get their emotional needs met she is more interested in satisfying a husbands sexual needs. When his sexual needs are met he is more likely to want to satisfy her emotional needs.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Happilymarried25 said:


> "As I spend more time being "present" with her and being genuinely interested in the things that inspire her, I can see her "light up" and become happier, which also leads to increased attraction for me"
> 
> That's the key, when a wife get their emotional needs met she is more interested in satisfying a husbands sexual needs. When his sexual needs are met he is more likely to want to satisfy her emotional needs.


I'll have to add - given that the spouse is relatively emotionally stable. There are spouses that have PD or untreated psychological problems. Some PD's will never resolve and all efforts to meet emotional needs goes down a black hole. 

The key is to find out which situation you are dealing with, one with a solution that is possible to achieve or one which is not. There's a recent thread by a man apparently married to a woman with serious mental issues. He wants to figure out why she is LD. It really does not matter in his case, as long as his wife is sick.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

My wife is either in the kitchen or our bed.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Quant said:


> My wife is either in the kitchen or our bed.


Studio apartment?


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> Studio apartment?


Boo,pooping on my sexist jokes.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

When I was married I welcomed being sent to the 'other room' as my sofa bed was much more comfortable with much less back aches. Have to look on the plus side!


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