# New guy on the block...



## memphisman (May 29, 2011)

Hello, i know this site is more focused on marriage and i'm not quite there, but i am engaged.

I've done a little research trying to figure out the reasons of my significant others recent actions. I'm afraid i'm being put through one of these "test", and quite honestly failing. i've always been the "nice guy". and for sometime she seemed ok with it. somedays she was annoyed but usually she seemed appreciative. recently we found out she was pregnant. so i'm dealing with a few things here:

1. pregnancy hormones
2. lack of anti depressants/anxiety medication 
3. immaturity; she's only 19

i'm 26. had a few years to stretch my legs in adulthood. she on the other hand is not. She told me she was ready to have a baby, it was more her suggestion than mine, i was ready to wait a little bit, but she isn't ready to move in with me and be away from mommy and daddy. i am of course a little annoyed by this. i haven't tried to push the subject because it kept upsetting her. the other day though she tells me that she feels like i'm smothering her and she needs her "space". even though for the past couple of weeks we have spent less and less time together. i know i can be clingy and little attached at times. but she is the highlight of my day and i enjoy seeing her. even if it's just for a few minutes. it bothers me that she doesn't feel the same. so right now we are "taking time apart" as she has told our friends. i do so much for her and all i ask from her is her attention on occasion. i didn't think this was too much to ask from her since i often don't ask for much. 

so am i:

1. being too much of a nice guy
2. possibly being "tested"
3. and how should i proceed

she means the world to me and i had to fight so hard for her in the beginning of the relationship. and i've expressed to her that my biggest fear is losing her again. i could go on all night about this but i'm gonna stop here....any assistance is much appreciated


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yes, your being too much of a nice guy. 

Yes, your being tested

First off, read "no more mr nice guy" and "hold onto ypur N.U.T.S". This will give you a starting foundation for your journey.

A few things strike me in your post, as wrong behavior...

"....my biggest fear is losing her". Wrong! You should NEVER be afraid of losing your woman. That doesn't mean you turn into a d$ck, and become uncaring. When you hold onto this fear, it makes you think irrationally in the sense that you will do anything to keep your mate...including violating your boundaries. Lose this fear. 

Go to the Mens Clubhouse and read up on manning up. Ask a lot of questions. Get lots of advise.

When you become too nice and violate your boundaries, you think you are being a good mate, but what actually happens is that your woman starts treating you like a doormat and loses respect for you. And attraction. When she says your too clingy...yes...you are.

However, now that there is a baby on board...I'm not sure how best to handle this. Other posters will have some good advise for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Memphis,

Graceland still a hoppin' place?

Here's a few links for you. I'm willing to bet you see yourself in most - if not all - of them.

We're here if you have any questions.

Do not rush to marry this woman until you are right with yourself.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Oh my, so many red flags... YOU faught for her so hard in the beginning, YOU would do anything for her, HER needing her space/ time apart, you saying this 


> she is the highlight of my day and i enjoy seeing her. even if it's just for a few minutes. it bothers me that she doesn't feel the same


 She doesn't FEEL the same. 


This relationship is terribly unbalanced, she holds all of the cards, you have her on a pedestal, you think of yourself as lesser in her eyes, possibly undeserving of her attention/affection. These things just shouldn't be . 


Work on yourself to gain a "deserving" and "confident" attitude before her. My husband is accually too much of a "Nice Guy" and I kinda woke up on my own, but I never wanted "space" or time apart from him. I just took him for granted for many years, HE LET ME DO IT. It wasn’t fair to him then, but he had no clue, he just loved & kept loving. He was conflict avoidant. 

Nothing wrong with loving someone with your whole being and wanting to be close to them, but IF after gaining your balls in their fullness before her (which will win her respect) if the feeling is not returned in some kind of equality, this may not be who you should marry. 

Do not settle for less than you deserve.

Taken from Amazon.com: No More Mr. Nice Guy! (9780762415335): Robert A. Glover: Books

Here is a list of NICE GUY Characteristics - Most guys have a few of these, but the headed for doormat status "NICE guys"- posses these in abundance . The book has more detail to each little item of coarse.



> Nice Guys are Givers
> 
> Nice Guys fix & Caretake
> 
> ...


There is problems with each one of those -the motivation behind the doing is the issue. What is happening is -- These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are "NICE" they will be loved, get their needs met and have a smooth life. 

Here is the "not-so nice" traits of Nice Guys ...



> Nice guys can be Dishonest, secretive, compartmentalized, manipulative, controlling, they give to get, passive aggressive, some are full of rage, additive, have difficulty setting boundaries, frequently isolated, often attracted to people & situations that need fixing, frequently have problems in intimate relationships, have issues with sexuality, usually only relatively successful .


Of coarse those are not true for every Nice guy, my husband fit 4 of those plus a few we considered halfs in his case. 

Good book, it will make many things clear to you to help you on your way to 1st - Win her *RESPECT* & this should lead to sexual attraction ~~ before you tie the knot.


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## memphisman (May 29, 2011)

wow....i just put a check mark by everyone of those pretty much.....

i am who i am because.....i guess it was the way i was raised? a decision in the past i made? everything i've always done i did because i thought it was the right and correct way to do things. 

normally i don't fight for a girl too much. but with her i just felt the need to. i felt like we could have a future together. i don't ask much from her. just her attention no more no less that she ask it from me. i've never been too bothered by clingyness 

i guess i'm a bigger mess than i thought i was...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

memphisman said:


> wow....i just put a check mark by everyone of those pretty much.....
> 
> i am who i am because.....i guess it was the way i was raised? a decision in the past i made? everything i've always done i did because i thought it was the right and correct way to do things.
> 
> ...


You likely are a bigger mess than you imagined.

Tread lightly.

Study hard.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Memphis - 
Notice my handle... twice, been cheated on, as EVERYONE who knows me wondered aloud how that could happen to "such a nice guy".... 

Do NOT make the mistake of dismissing this as idle chatter that somehow doesn't apply to you, or is somehow over the top, or applies to lesser men who cannot control their lives the way you can. 

As Conrad said, "study hard"(!!) Applying this learning -- or failing to -- will alter the path of your life forever.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Dude... you are 26... she is 19... you are the one who supposed to have the power here man... not the other way around. That's why this big of gap, early on life is hard to go to full term. She still has too much "young girl" left in her. I mean, she's your fiancee, so i'm assuming you've been with her atleast since 17...no way i'd do that myself at 24, it would of felt too creepy. But she has young ring, and your seed, its time to make this work. Man up and be proactive.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I know you have a baby on board but do not get married. Too many red flags and this has disaster written all over it. The biggest one being HER age. I know how this ends. I've had too many friends do it.


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## memphisman (May 29, 2011)

thanks for the help folks. especially simplyarmorous. that book has really helped me put things in perspective with my life. i'm slowly making changes and i'm slowly seeing changes with our relationship. it's giving me the hope that things will be ok and the ability to face the fear that it might not. thanks again everyone


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