# General ideas for regaining emotional intimacy....



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Sexual intimacy is hot and cold... but need some ideas on emotional intimacy (lacking)... we've been through a lot (no affairs, although I did suspect one and my suspicions caused all sorts of problems) and I need some suggestions on things I can initiate to rebuild the closeness.... we do not have a lot of money, so a trip is out of the equation. Just some ideas please. Tthank you in advance.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Sexual intimacy is hot and cold... but need some ideas on emotional intimacy (lacking)... we've been through a lot (no affairs, although I did suspect one and my suspicions caused all sorts of problems) and I need some suggestions on things I can initiate to rebuild the closeness.... we do not have a lot of money, so a trip is out of the equation. Just some ideas please. Tthank you in advance.


google "emotional bidding" and do what the doctor says


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> but need some ideas on emotional intimacy


What, exactly, do you think "emotional intimacy" means? I think if you can answer that question then you won't have a hard time figuring out what to do about it.

Not to be coy, in my world what that means is Carol and I exposing our true selves to each other. So what works to build it is conversations about topics which are deeply meaningful to us and also private... possibly so private that we've never said them before.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Thank you Dean... That is the sort of thing I was thinking.... More ideas would be great. I will try google, and did, mot of the articles suggested weekend getaways for reconnecting. For me emotional intimacy is exactly what you said exposing our true selves to one another....but I feel as though to just jump not a deep conversation would be futile....gotta take steps to rebuild it....there is a disconnect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

"Date" each other. Like you mean it, like you meant it when you dated....


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## miss smiley (May 3, 2011)

How do you get past the general "small talk"? I can't seem to and after 14 yrs, am feeling very tired of always initiating deeper conversations. Sometimes I feel like an interrogator asking ? after ?.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

miss smiley said:


> How do you get past the general "small talk"? I can't seem to and after 14 yrs, am feeling very tired of always initiating deeper conversations. Sometimes I feel like an interrogator asking ? after ?.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A member on here GIAI (spelling?) suggested lovepong.com if your partner likes online stuff, it is great. I like it a lot and it auto generates issues/questions for each of you... it definitely has started more discussions with us, because it brings up things we haven't thought to talk about, or spinoffs of the topic happen. But I know what you mean. My husband likes it too, which surprised me because other question things he wasn't very receptive too, and he said coming up with our own was hard to do. I agreed with him.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Gaia.. lol


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Sorry Gaia !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

lol it's fine.. no biggy!!


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

In the past, before we were married, we went through a couple stretches where there was severe emotional distance (mostly on my part). We were both changing so much, and going in different directions, but were still in love.

The last time we went through this we figured out, through a bit of divine interference actually, that our love was right, but our relationship, as we knew it, was dead. It was then that we began to think of our relationship as if it were a jar, and the contents, our love, a precious oil. If you keep pouring in more oil, eventually the jar just isn't enough. We decided to release each other from the pressures of trying to make an ill fitting relationship work, and try to be brave enough to trust that we could let that go, and something new would arise that could contain who were becoming.

It's the best thing that happened to us. We took the pressure off "needing" to do anything. Sometimes we get so caught up in wanting to repair intimacy issues NOW, that we just do a ton of "stuff" and exert so much effort just trying and trying to repair it all. It helped us to take the pressure off needing to maintain a relationship. We began to concentrate on just getting to know the other person again. Who are you today? What is your outlook? What do you enjoy? 

The result? Eventually we came back together, and we're better now than ever. The emotional intimacy issues were resolved because we eliminated the pressures and expectations. Without all that, I in particular was far more able to unfold at my own pace, and reintroduce myself to my soulmate. It was nice knowing that there was this place I could go through, free of expectation, free of needing to be what we "were", a where I could just move into intimacy again at my own pace, learning about her, and myself, again. 

Perhaps now is a good time to look past your relationship as it has been, and go through a period of burying what was, and starting, as much as is possible, with a fresh, clean slate. Begin again. Getting to know one another, anew, might be the best gift you two ever give each other.


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## Mr_brown (Oct 17, 2011)

Dating/Recreational activities... Try things you never thought you'd be into and try to find some common ground, something to relate to. Each of you write down ten thing you would like to do and start there. Museums, site seeing, sports, people watching, walks etc... And try to just spend more time together.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Like that Jaquen!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Dean* said:


> I also ask my wife a lot of open ended questions and have her paint the picture with me.
> 
> It helps make sure your on the same page and working toward the same dream.
> 
> ...


 The way to intimacy, even if just socially.... is always to learn of each other... and how very deep we can go, if our partners will allow it - and welcome it. 

Just for the sheer fun of it, I have bought books like this - to come up with even MORE open ended questions, sometimes one of us will be taking a bath, while the other sits feet away reading a few questions from it. And we discuss ...It is always a Joy. We amaze ourselves how very often we think alike on so very much.. but not always...a different view is given..we learn how each other thinks and feels.  

Intellectual Foreplay: A Book of Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be : Books

 The Complete Book of Questions: 1001 Conversation Starters for Any Occasion : Books

 The Book of Questions: Love & Sex : Books



> I'm really big into holding the wife and talking about the short (1-2yr) and long (10+yr) term big picture.



Love the Holding idea also... could order a book about intimacy....read a few pages a night together...in bed..and discuss...

 The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved : Books


 Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship : David Schnarch: Books

 The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts : Gary D. Chapman: Books

Without much $$ ... how about packing a Picnic lunch, going to a nerby Park....a walk on a Hiking trail, a nature reserve.... hand in hand. Getting out in nature I feel is one of the best ways to feel connected to life.. just refreshing somehow, a new atmosphere, take a walk down memory land with each other...talk about your future desires hand in hand. Stop along somewhere & get a little romantic. Surprise each other. 

Here is a nice thread with a ton of ideas... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ings-do-your-wife-husband-wont-cost-dime.html

.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miss smiley (May 3, 2011)

thank you for suggesting lovepong.com. i'll look into that. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

We have been taking walks and talking. That has been nice. We had about an 8 year period of disconnect. The last six months have been great. We have been really trying hard to reconnect. Reminiscing about way back when we were dating has also been nice. Makes us remember why we fell in love. Sex has also been a big connector for us. During that eight years or so, I bet we didn't have sex 5 times. Sad, but I didn't give up hope. There were a series of things my H had to deal with that were emotionally hard, and I just stuck through it. I found this site and read the recommended reading and made me more forthright with him and it has help us. Sometimes one spouse has to take the lead and push. We try to do date nights, but since H was laid off, that is far and few between. Long winded, but hope it helps.


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