# I cheated she cheated I feel remorse she doesn't seem to.



## brokendog (Dec 15, 2010)

My wife and I are married 10 years with 4 kids.

I have known her since age 16 and we are both 37 now. This is my second marriage 1st with children. 

I first dated my wife when we were 19. She was a virgin and I was trying to practice celibacy. We broke up over something small and during this break up she lost her virginity and I had sex with someone. 

We got back together and after teenage drama she got pregnant and I didn't forgive her. Years pass and she and her baby's father don't last and her child gets real sick and when my then ex needed an ear she would call me while at the hospital.

After our break up I searched and found the opposite personality of my wife and married her. She was a rebound and I didn't love her and was relieved when she cheated cause it gave me an out without being the bad guy.

Well as I was separating from wife 1 I run into my ex I never got over and we fall for each other and before my divorce settles we start sleeping together and 3 months after my divorce went through we were living together. She soon got pregnant and we were married three more years.

Money has always been an issue and early on I resented losing my new found freedom so fast even though my wife is the one I've loved the most my whole life.

three years into our marriage I have a six month affair with the cleaning lady at my job. I don't fall for this woman but she couldn't have vaginal sex but loved performing oral 2-3 times a week. 

Eventually my conscience allowed me to feel nothing and when I stopped seeing her I still desired oral sex allot but my wife would only do it during her period. 

I went on from there to receive oral sex from 4 more women over a 3 year stretch (2003-06) and have sex once with one of them and perform it on her.

Well needless to say I showed all the signs of an adulterer and scumbag during that time. Everything came to a head while my wife was pregnant with my youngest and I broke furniture threatened my wife and left to play basketball that night.

She had enough of my crap and being 7 months pregnant filed a restraining order against me. I moved in one of my best friends house for two months.

During that separation the light came on! I realized I had all the freedom I ever wanted and no desire to find new women. I missed my wife and kids and vowed to myself to never stray again if allowed home.

Well since then I have been faithful and attentive. However my wife after at first being happy begin to accuse me of straying before because of how different a man I was. I would say I saw the light and never confessed. My wife's has a sister the same age as she and she always said she wanted to be sure I'd never have kids with another woman so even though my wife had her tubes tied after our youngest I got a vasectomy to prove I love her and to make up for my cheating ways. in fact she said she would stop demanding proof if I did this to show I loved her.

After a month or two she started bugging me for confessions again sometimes arguing all day and night with me denying and saying she promised to move on if I had the surgery.

Well thing got pretty good til I got addicted to porn and put out a no strings sex ad online which resulted in a two month email conversation with a prostitute that I stopped replying to because I no longer felt home was lacking even in the oral sex.

Well she found the correspondences and has dragged me through hell ever since saying she thought we were in a better place. I've treated this incident very seriously as an EA and went to counselling, cut porn and dealt with my spouse as victim to my wrong doing.

That incident caused my to examine my core being and feel ashamed of myself as a human being before and during our marriage. I've prayed almost everyday for forgiveness and all most every day my wife has tried different ways to make me admit to having sex with someone else during the marriage.

She used to say I 'owe it to her' to tell or I'll never have peace until I do. I had promised myself I would keep it to myself since I felt like a changed man. However she finally struck the right cord when she said a marriage is a threefold cord with her, God and I. finally I wanted to confess but was scared of her reaction and the outcome! 

Well last Sunday 7/10 I told her everything and told her all the details she asked for. She immediately starts telling me about a night in 2005 she slept with a guy she used to sleep with before me and also early in our premarital relationship before we were exclusive. The night she is speaking of I remember vividly.

She and three of our children were living with her mother after the house we were renting went in to forclosure despite us paying on time. I had been invited to a new night club by an old high school buddy the same night my mother in law agreed to watch our kids so we could have a date.

I had been looking forward to the guys night out already and went early to find out my buddy had a vip section reserved with free drinks and to top it off ran into another old female freind that I had lost contact with.

Well I had told my wife how I wanted to go to the club and asked her to bring her girlfriends along and meet me there. Well her girlfriend wanted her to go gambling and she wanted to see me but I told her I wasn't leaving the club cause it was kind of far from her moms house.

Well without me knowing the other guy was calling the moms house on a regular basis and called that night while she was upset and when I wouldn't come get her he did. She said if I would have done right it would have never happened because she only wanted me not him. Well I agree I should have done better but I didn't make her do it and she was not raped.

I know I was horrible but I never revisited my premarital sex partners even though a few reached out to me and I'm mad because this guy is the one guy she has always said she believed she once loved. She told me before marriage how he has a huge penis. 

I know she likes sex better with him and believe she only wanted my confession so she can tell me hers. On top of this she told me he still calls and unless she doesn't recognize the # she doesn't answer but they have spoken on a regular basis our whole 10 year marriage-even writing him back when he was in prison.

She says she has no feeling for him emotionally and he was just someone comfortable because of their history. I think she's lying and believe with all of the phone calls, letters and texts there is more to it than I see.

I know we have an uphill battle now but with all on the table can we fix this? I love her and only her and know she loves me. My therapist said when two people love each other he believes any marriage can be saved.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can fix it as long as you're BOTH committed to doing so. 

If one doesn't want to or doesn't put in the effort, then no dice.


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You can fix it as long as you're BOTH committed to doing so.
> 
> If one doesn't want to or doesn't put in the effort, then no dice.


:iagree::iagree:


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm going to go the other way here. This is a train wreck...you pretty much caused it so you have to own it. You have to realize that the amount of hurt and pain you caused lead to this moment. And she absolutely knew you cheated the whole time. Doesn't make what you did right, but probably means neither of you are good for each other.


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## brokendog (Dec 15, 2010)

sinnister said:


> I'm going to go the other way here. This is a train wreck...you pretty much caused it so you have to own it. You have to realize that the amount of hurt and pain you caused lead to this moment. And she absolutely knew you cheated the whole time. Doesn't make what you did right, but probably means neither of you are good for each other.


I agree its a train wreck and she probably did know. Whats crazy is I am still in love with her and through all my horrible behavior I never was happier than when I was back with her.

As hurt as we both are its been 5 years since infidelity and as much as we are bad for each other we also fit and are good for each other too.


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## bsc820 (Jul 14, 2011)

Sorry to be candid here but by the way you act and treat your spouse you will never stay married and be happy. You live a self destructive lifestyle with a drama time bomb waiting to go off at anytime. Having a cheating spouse i know the pain and hurt that having someone like this causes. Get some counseling and learn what is causing this behavior and quit hurting your family. Take responsibility for what you have done and work on yourself. let the rest fall into place.


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## brokendog (Dec 15, 2010)

bsc820 said:


> Sorry to be candid here but by the way you act and treat your spouse you will never stay married and be happy. You live a self destructive lifestyle with a drama time bomb waiting to go off at anytime. Having a cheating spouse i know the pain and hurt that having someone like this causes. Get some counseling and learn what is causing this behavior and quit hurting your family. Take responsibility for what you have done and work on yourself. let the rest fall into place.


I appreciate your candidness. You are right that if I continue as a cheater or seeker our marraige has no chance. 

I have however been faithful for the last 5 years and I have to ever see another woman besides my wife. I do take responsibility for my behavior and will control my actions from now on.

As far as hurt and pain. I know too how bad it hurts when you find out your love, your spouse has been used and freaky with someone other than yourself. It is this feeling I never want to feel again or put my wife through.


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