# Living together but separated



## Kindheart79 (Jun 21, 2019)

In the interest in making this readable I'm leaving out lots of history. But here is my question.

After 4 kids and one vacectomy, my common law partner told me sex is for babies, so... she doesnt want to anymore. Also no kissing or cuddles. I believe she is an aspie but whatever the reason people have the right to control their own bodies.

After years of trying to "fix her" and "stfu, be alpha, lift, build tension, etc" I told her I am taking sex off the table ( we tried a sex schedule... but trying to be with someone who doesnt want to, is soul crushing) and told her I'm taking the basement bedroom, and bathroom.

Oddly enough, we get along better now because I have let go of the hurt of being rejected for years.

Here is the question. At this point do I need to sit her down and tell her I plan on seeking sex, hugs, and adventure companion elsewhere.. ( I like to travel, do extreme sports, have fun. She doesnt. ) Or do I just take the stoic approach and communicate through my actions ( start dating, and let her wonder ). She is a nightmare to talk to, so I personally just want to start dedicating more and more time to meeting other people, and of course the rest of the time being the best dad possible. I have a good 10 years of dad stuff ahead of me so that is still the #1 priority...

I know I have to figure this out myself but hearing other opinions or similar situations is sometimes useful.

Cheers


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

In my opinion you need to have an amicable divorce first and focus that effort on how to manage the kids moving forwards. Once that is settled THEN move on with your life. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## Kindheart79 (Jun 21, 2019)

Sounds reasonable badsanta.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

When thinking of the future, you have to come to the realization that she won't change. Stay together if you want your future to be that you live as roommates. There is virtually no chance that she'll come around and you'll regain the loving relationship you once had. Her actions of explicitly shutting down intimacy means there is no realistic possibility for you to fix this on your own. 

For your own mental health, you need to get out and start building a new life. The danger you're in is that you're on a downward emotional slope and you're gradually getting used to sliding down. Eventually you may get to a point where you think you deserve to be treated like this and that you'll never find someone to love you. The only reason you should be living as roommates is if you need to establish a separation timeline and cannot afford to have your own place.

I don't think you should start getting sex elsewhere while in this situation. It will be a terrible example for your kids and will likely cause a lot of conflict in the house.


----------



## Kindheart79 (Jun 21, 2019)

Thanks for your time. You are right. Cant imagine getting a second date after telling someone that I live with my ex, even if we get along ok, and are like brother and sister...

The confidence issues are really sneaking up on me too. I am always surprised when I see other relationships where the two people act like they actually like eachother.

I also get weirded out when someone is kind and generous to me..





wilson said:


> When thinking of the future, you have to come to the realization that she won't change. Stay together if you want your future to be that you live as roommates. There is virtually no chance that she'll come around and you'll regain the loving relationship you once had. Her actions of explicitly shutting down intimacy means there is no realistic possibility for you to fix this on your own.
> 
> For your own mental health, you need to get out and start building a new life. The danger you're in is that you're on a downward emotional slope and you're gradually getting used to sliding down. Eventually you may get to a point where you think you deserve to be treated like this and that you'll never find someone to love you. The only reason you should be living as roommates is if you need to establish a separation timeline and cannot afford to have your own place.
> 
> I don't think you should start getting sex elsewhere while in this situation. It will be a terrible example for your kids and will likely cause a lot of conflict in the house.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I agree with @badsanta you need to settle up this life before you move on to the next life. At the very least, it needs to be made very clear to her that you plan to move on and find another relationship. Living together after separating is tough. I live in an in-law apartment of my house and my STBX lives in the main house with the kids. It will only work if you are good about setting boundaries with your ex and making all expectations for the arrangement very clear. 

You can't be wishy washy and hope that she "gets it" based on your actions. That will just lead to trouble. Never assume that someone else knows what you're thinking. And never assume what she's thinking. For these living arrangements to work there has to be total communication.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Are you planning to pursue this love and affection elsewhere but live in the same house as her indefinitely? If so, I think that will blow up and be a disaster. Very confusing for the kids. Painful for her (probably). And you're going to meet someone you want to BE with and SHE is NOT going to want a man who lives with his ex...

You said she is a common law partner so I assume no divorce paperwork is necessary? I would find a place to move to, get your finances figured out, etc. THEN sit her down and tell her you need love, romance, adventure, etc. in your life and you're moving out and you two need to figure out finances and a custody arrangement for the children.

If you are determined to stay there in the house AND pursue your new life at the same time, then I would tell her as soon as possible and let her start absorbing that information. Just something like: "I want to let you know that now that we're no longer a "romantic" couple, I am going to start pursuing my own interests and making new friends and probably dating. Obviously we need to keep each other up on our schedules to take care of the children, but I will come and go and I expect you to do that same."



Kindheart79 said:


> In the interest in making this readable I'm leaving out lots of history. But here is my question.
> 
> After 4 kids and one vacectomy, my common law partner told me sex is for babies, so... she doesnt want to anymore. Also no kissing or cuddles. I believe she is an aspie but whatever the reason people have the right to control their own bodies.
> 
> ...


----------



## Kindheart79 (Jun 21, 2019)

That's about right. I have exclusive rights over the house (yay for lawyers), so I feel like no matter what, the second step ( first was to move bedrooms, and tell her I'm not trying to initiate unwanted sex anymore ) is to tell her what my needs are, and that I want to resolve my needs, but am unsure what is best for everyone. That will get me to a place of honesty even if we dont know the next steps yet. I would assume at some point she would want to leave. But if we are honest with the kids, eachother, dont fight and parent until the kids reach a certain age... crazier things have happened.

Also, as you pointed out, it is reasonable to assume all dates I go on will come to an abrupt end when my living situation comes up. At the very least, my prospects will be very limited. So I have to be realistic about that....



WorkingWife said:


> Are you planning to pursue this love and affection elsewhere but live in the same house as her indefinitely? If so, I think that will blow up and be a disaster. Very confusing for the kids. Painful for her (probably). And you're going to meet someone you want to BE with and SHE is NOT going to want a man who lives with his ex...
> 
> You said she is a common law partner so I assume no divorce paperwork is necessary? I would find a place to move to, get your finances figured out, etc. THEN sit her down and tell her you need love, romance, adventure, etc. in your life and you're moving out and you two need to figure out finances and a custody arrangement for the children.
> 
> ...


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Kindheart79 said:


> Also, as you pointed out, it is reasonable to assume all dates I go on will come to an abrupt end when my living situation comes up. At the very least, my prospects will be very limited. So I have to be realistic about that....


Dating might also be a way to make her want to move out faster if you can't just ask her to move out. But it probably will not be pretty. And really weird for the kids.


----------



## Kindheart79 (Jun 21, 2019)

I agree. So I guess that answers the main question. I need to tell her what is missing from my life and what I intend to do about it. Then... things will unfold one way or another. 

And ya, I'm in a position to force the issue by openly dating, if she is stonewalling or putting her head in the sand.

My kids are older so I am not as worried about seeming weird, as long as they are able to voice their concerns and have their concerns be respected..



WorkingWife said:


> Kindheart79 said:
> 
> 
> > Also, as you pointed out, it is reasonable to assume all dates I go on will come to an abrupt end when my living situation comes up. At the very least, my prospects will be very limited. So I have to be realistic about that....
> ...


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Kindheart79 said:


> I agree. So I guess that answers the main question. I need to tell her what is missing from my life and what I intend to do about it. Then... things will unfold one way or another.
> 
> And ya, I'm in a position to force the issue by openly dating, if she is stonewalling or putting her head in the sand.


It sounds like you're being too passive--both towards yourself and towards her. Don't let things unfold. They're not going to unfold in a way that you hope. Take control. Move things forward so that you're happy. Are you happy living in the basement? Are you going to be happy dating women in this environment? Don't date just with the hope that it forces her to make a decision. Date because it's something you want and makes you happy.

There are so many threads here from people in sexless marriages and they rarely have happy endings. The fact that she's closed down means it's virtually a certainty you're not going to be one of the success stories. The only thing that has the slightest chance of working in your situation is to blow up her world with something like "I'm not going to live in a platonic relationship or be with someone who is only intimate because of an obligation. This relationship is over. We need to split up." If she responds that she'll do anything to fix it, then maybe there's a chance. But if she is indifferent, pushes back, blames you, etc., then there's no hope.

Let's get some understanding of what splitting up means. Tell us more about your common law situation and shared assets. Are you in a state which recognizes CL marriage? Not all states do. Have you shared expenses for large assets like the house, cars, etc? If so, you'll may need to split those regardless of the marital situation. How old are the kids?


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Kindheart79 said:


> That's about right. I have exclusive rights over the house (yay for lawyers), so I feel like no matter what, the second step ( first was to move bedrooms, and tell her I'm not trying to initiate unwanted sex anymore ) is to tell her what my needs are, and that I want to resolve my needs, but am unsure what is best for everyone. That will get me to a place of honesty even if we dont know the next steps yet. I would assume at some point she would want to leave. But if we are honest with the kids, eachother, dont fight and parent until the kids reach a certain age... crazier things have happened.
> 
> Also, as you pointed out, it is reasonable to assume all dates I go on will come to an abrupt end when my living situation comes up. At the very least, my prospects will be very limited. So I have to be realistic about that....


I glazed over the part about it being a common law partner, but given that there are kids involved it is virtually the same as being married. Your partner is now legally related to you as the biological parent of all of your children. Odds are she would retain custody of them if she were the one that decided to leave. This is why you need to go through an "amicable" separation and focus your efforts on how to best care for the children. 

If you just start dating and she gets protective/territorial over the children, you will probably be saying goodbye to them. 

There is also the possibility that an effort to amicably separate could somehow trigger a reconciliation. If she has aspergers, there is research that indicates sensory issues are often highly pronounced in erogenous zones. This means that any sexual touch could be so overwhelming that it is painful or the opposite in that those areas have little or no sensation (numb). Coming to that realization through therapy could be an eureka moment of better understanding her sexuality and why she has withdrawn from it. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## Kindheart79 (Jun 21, 2019)

That is fair.

There is one situational thing that I am wanting to resolve first. We have a home that we are having a hard time selling, and I really want that done before I kill the puppy. If I am forced to default on home #1 then I could be forced to sell home #2 and I dont want to because I want to live in it forever.

Kids are 8, 12, 12 and 13. I am not very worried about them. They have each other's backs, and I have a very strong relationship with them too.

I have a vehicle in my name and a house in my name, protected by a cohabitation agreement.

I'll have to pay a lot in child support but.. I dont mind that. 

As for what I actually want? I dont want what people think I should want. I am fine in my cool, finished basement, hanging out with my kids. But I would like if there was a woman who I could dork out with, plan trips, smoke pot, have sex, fun etc every now and again.

I would say, that paragraph above, is probably what I should tell my co-habitant.




wilson said:


> Kindheart79 said:
> 
> 
> > I agree. So I guess that answers the main question. I need to tell her what is missing from my life and what I intend to do about it. Then... things will unfold one way or another.
> ...


----------



## Kindheart79 (Jun 21, 2019)

Ya she is an aspie. She refuses to see a doctor or counselor. 

Maybe if I take a hard line she will change her tune.

Again, I've been convinced I need to start with the " sex, cuddles, etc are missing from my life, and life is too short to be unhappy " talk.

I've protected my assets enough that I am able to be open and honest. There is a house that I would prefer to sell first but that is not critical. It could useful to have a second house.






badsanta said:


> Kindheart79 said:
> 
> 
> > That's about right. I have exclusive rights over the house (yay for lawyers), so I feel like no matter what, the second step ( first was to move bedrooms, and tell her I'm not trying to initiate unwanted sex anymore ) is to tell her what my needs are, and that I want to resolve my needs, but am unsure what is best for everyone. That will get me to a place of honesty even if we dont know the next steps yet. I would assume at some point she would want to leave. But if we are honest with the kids, eachother, dont fight and parent until the kids reach a certain age... crazier things have happened.
> ...


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Kindheart79 said:


> Ya she is an aspie. She refuses to see a doctor or counselor.
> 
> Maybe if I take a hard line she will change her tune.
> 
> ...


Don't waste a good crisis. Or, in this case, don't pass up an opportunity to create one. Lay it all out for her. Explain to her that it's a choice she gets to make; you don't actually have any say in it. She can join a sect that celebrates sex for procreation only, if that's what she wants to do, and find someone who will love here without crossing that line. If that's even possible. But that's not possible in a relationship with you. If she can't change her thinking about sex, you will be divorcing because this is not the way you see yourself spending the rest of your life. Period, end of story. That's you whole speech. She might ask questions, and you can answer them. But she won't change your mind. You have to be absolutely resolute about that.


----------



## Kindheart79 (Jun 21, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> Kindheart79 said:
> 
> 
> > Ya she is an aspie. She refuses to see a doctor or counselor.
> ...


Makes sense. I have a bad habit of overcomplicating things, and trying not to rock the boat. 

A simple statement like that should make things clear.


----------



## Kindheart79 (Jun 21, 2019)

I'll throw one more question in here.

My spouse is very difficult to have conversations with. 50% is that I suck, but her aspergers and personality makes up the rest.

Have you ever decided to write a letter in place of a difficult conversation, if you expect your words to be twisted, be cut off mid sentence, and fog and smoke to be used to keep things from being discussed?


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Kindheart79 said:


> I'll throw one more question in here.
> 
> My spouse is very difficult to have conversations with. 50% is that I suck, but her aspergers and personality makes up the rest.
> 
> Have you ever decided to write a letter in place of a difficult conversation, if you expect your words to be twisted, be cut off mid sentence, and fog and smoke to be used to keep things from being discussed?


I think having notes, or giving her some bullet points from what you're brining up, is preferable to a letter or reading from a script. Your mileage may vary.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Kindheart79 said:


> Thanks for your time. You are right. Cant imagine getting a second date after telling someone that I live with my ex, even if we get along ok, and are like brother and sister...
> 
> The confidence issues are really sneaking up on me too. I am always surprised when I see other relationships where the two people act like they actually like eachother.
> 
> I also get weirded out when someone is kind and generous to me..


This actually happened to me, but it was at about date #6. I couldn’t figure out how a Dad who had sole custody of 3 children under 10 could just pick up and get together so easily and last minute. Heck, I can’t do this, and all I have are dogs. So, I asked. The answer I got was a dealbreaker and it was the last time I saw him. He told me that he lives on the main floor and his STBXW lives in the basement. Pity because he was a fantastic man, but I couldn’t imagine myself in the middle of all that. Plus, they weren’t seeking to divorce at that point; it was just an in-house separation.

Are you guys seeking divorce at this point? That would be my #1 recommendation before you start dating. Either that, or completely separate residences from her at the very least. 

Funny, last weekend, my current beau opened up to me in a huge way, and said what is pretty much the last line of your quoted post above: that he wasn’t used to a significant other being kind, which pretty much broke my heart.


----------



## Kindheart79 (Jun 21, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> Kindheart79 said:
> 
> 
> > I'll throw one more question in here.
> ...


That makes sense actually, thanks. Itll help me keep from rambling and chickening out...


----------



## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

May I ask: why didn't you get married after ten years and kids?


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Same situation... you need to tell your wife you want to separate and why. Then you can start dating. But nobody will date you if you still live in the same house with your partner. Harsh reality, but it is what it is. Like @notmyjamie, I'm lucky enough to own two houses (one next to each other), so I can have my own space. I haven't moved yet - it's planned for September. Even so, I'm not sure the situation will be highly attractive to potential dates... not that I'm planning to date any time soon. First, I will have to recover from the separation.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Kindheart79 said:


> I'll throw one more question in here.
> 
> My spouse is very difficult to have conversations with. 50% is that I suck, but her aspergers and personality makes up the rest.
> 
> Have you ever decided to write a letter in place of a difficult conversation, if you expect your words to be twisted, be cut off mid sentence, and fog and smoke to be used to keep things from being discussed?


This is actually a very good problem solving tool in my opinion. When you write a letter all one can do is read it. This also gives you the opportunity to clearly think through everything you are writing and... (since she is an aspie) make sure everything is very clear, logical, well defined, and explained. Almost impossible in a verbal conversation. 

I have family members with aspergers (although mild and very high functioning). We have been to therapy and essentially there is nothing therapy can do for those with aspergers in terms of correcting problems and issues. Therapy is more about helping those around someone with aspergers better understand why that person is the way they are and how to communicate better. For example don't do this and don't do that are not as helpful as do do this and please do that because of this and that reason. Generalized instructions are often counterintuitive and unproductive without an example and explanation. Imagine if I told you to, "please meld your breakfast each morning!!!!" and then walked away. You would probably get frustrated and be like WTF am I asking you to do. However if I were to demonstrate _melding_ is the concept of mixing milk and cereal together in a bowl at whatever ratio you desire and explain some pro and cons of different mixing ratios, then you would probably be more willing to do that. 

My family member with aspergers biggest complaint is that people accuse him of telling lies when he feels he is speaking the truth. Imagine he was hopping around the house. You ask him to stop jumping and he will tell you that at no time was he jumping. He will assume that I clearly understand the difference between hopping and jumping when he makes this claim. When I get upset, he will get upset because now in addition to getting angry at him for hopping I will accuse him of lying about jumping around. Things escalate and everyone can loose their patience quick. ....my point being is that it is easy to get very frustrated and loose your temper when you are trying to be serious with someone that has aspergers. They can not tell the difference between that and you trying to play a joke on them. 

So counseling/therapy would be for you. It would teach you how to be a better listener and friend to someone with aspergers. 

Do write a letter! Be positive about reconciliation if possible. Someone with aspergers may not like cuddling due to sensory issues. If a soft blanket can be placed between the two of you when doing so, it may change the possibilities. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In total agreement that this is more than a divorceable situation!

Given your situation, I'm not all that certain that prior or current psychological or clerical counseling would have made any difference at all!

Get in contact with a good family attorney to protect your interests and those of your kids!*


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Kindheart79 said:


> Kids are 8, 12, 12 and 13. I am not very worried about them. They have each other's backs, and I have a very strong relationship with them too.
> ...
> As for what I actually want? I dont want what people think I should want. I am fine in my cool, finished basement, hanging out with my kids. But I would like if there was a woman who I could dork out with, plan trips, smoke pot, have sex, fun etc every now and again.


Keep in mind that your kids are learning what marriage is supposed to be like from watching you guys. They will grow up thinking that it's normal for married people to be distant and live in separate parts of the house. If you're going to live in the same house, I think you guys need to at least be acting as a good married couple acts. 

There are long-term, happily married couples who sleep in separate rooms, but that is typically because of some incompatible sleep issues. But that doesn't mean there isn't intimacy. They bed hop and have fun, but they just sleep apart. Their affection for each other will still be evident in their day-to-day interactions. That is the healthy version of being married but sleeping apart. What is going on in your marriage is not that. It's likely to make you guys drift farther apart and become more impersonal and argumentative over time.

Other than the sex issue, do you like the relationship you have with her? Are you having fun, dorking out, smoking, etc.? If the sex issue was fixed, would you be fine staying in the relationship?


----------



## Kindheart79 (Jun 21, 2019)

@badsanta it is nice to have feedback from someone who understands aspergers. It is so invisible that even I can forget the impact it has on me and the kids. 

I believe the situation deserves a little bit of the positive, creative problem solving that you suggested. I also agree that the chances of success are low and that I need to set a more aggressive timeline to get the loose ends sorted. 

When the kids were younger it was easy to just take it slow, enjoy our babies, and tolerate the not so good things. But now they are older and our family needs to evolve..

Thanks for the feedback so far.

S


----------



## Kindheart79 (Jun 21, 2019)

wilson said:


> Kindheart79 said:
> 
> 
> > Kids are 8, 12, 12 and 13. I am not very worried about them. They have each other's backs, and I have a very strong relationship with them too.
> ...


It wouldn't be perfect but it would be good enough. I dont expect a LTR to be perfect. I would have to be the right kind of sex too though. If she says, once a month one sundays at 4am ( not joking.. this has been suggested by her), that wouldn't fly. And the emotional connection would still be missing.

I do feel like after the dust settles, I'd be happier. I always feel better, think clearer, when I am traveling and not having to manage her and defend my boundaries 24/7.

I guess I hesitate so much cuz the kids are great, and my sex drive is a lot lower now that I am 40. But. Ya, too much is missing. Kids are not being shown a healthy relationship, and I am seeing that manifest already as they become teenagers.

Anyway.. lots of variables but I think it is a simple incompatibility at a high level...

I DO expect things to be amicable though and potentially a relief to her too. 

Anyway thanks for the feedback I appreciate it.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Same situation... you need to tell your wife you want to separate and why. Then you can start dating. But nobody will date you if you still live in the same house with your partner. Harsh reality, but it is what it is. Like @notmyjamie, I'm lucky enough to own two houses (one next to each other), so I can have my own space. I haven't moved yet - it's planned for September. Even so, I'm not sure the situation will be highly attractive to potential dates... not that I'm planning to date any time soon. First, I will have to recover from the separation.


There is a huge difference, I think, when you each have your own separate space and when you're crammed together in the same house trying to manage a separation. The first 3 months after I told my STBX I wanted a divorce were pure torture because I was still in the main house. We didn't want to have me move out just before the holidays. Stupid plan but whatever. I'm not kidding when I say it was torture. 

Once I moved into the separate apartment things got much easier for me. Not as good as if I had my own place across town but quite manageable. I am dating now and the lack of privacy is a little bit of a pain sometimes. If we were splitting custody I would have some free nights/weekends to date and not have to worry about my STBX knowing about it. It's not bad enough to change my situation. My plan is still to stay here until our youngest graduates and then we'll sell. 

I am dating someone and he came to my apartment for the first time the other day. He laughed and basically told me we'd never, ever have sex at my apartment. I don't blame him...besides the fact that my STBX is right next door, so are my kids and the only thing separating us is one doorway. Things are going very well with him though and he completely understands my situation. I'm lucky in that regard. 

Separation can be done creatively. It just takes thought and good communication. My STBX and I try to be very respectful of each other's space and so far, it's working the best that it can.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Kindheart79 said:


> Have you ever decided to write a letter in place of a difficult conversation, if you expect your words to be twisted, be cut off mid sentence, and fog and smoke to be used to keep things from being discussed?


Yes. I think communicating difficult things through writing can be really smart. For all the reasons you mentioned, PLUS, people have a chance to stop and digest what they have read and think about it before they respond.

And when you're writing you can take your time and be clear and concise and edit out the sarcasm and tone.

It is extremely difficult to have a good, productive conversation in real time when emotions are high and people lose it and say the wrong thing all the time.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

notmyjamie said:


> There is a huge difference, I think, when you each have your own separate space and when you're crammed together in the same house trying to manage a separation.


Yes, it's rather difficult right now... since we are splitting amicably, it's like we are still married and a couple. We are still doing the same things, apart from having sex... :laugh:

Look forward to be able to have my own life, although I feel sorry for the children. I feel like we have destroyed their safe harbour, so to speak. I'm going through a bad period right now, full of sadness and regret.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Yes, it's rather difficult right now... since we are splitting amicably, it's like we are still married and a couple. We are still doing the same things, apart from having sex... :laugh:
> 
> Look forward to be able to have my own life, although I feel sorry for the children. I feel like we have destroyed their safe harbour, so to speak. I'm going through a bad period right now, full of sadness and regret.


So sorry to hear you're struggling. I honestly, from the depths of my soul, think that will improve once you finally move out. I thought you were going to do that in May? Has the plan changed? If the other house is ready now, do it now. Please.

And your kids are college aged...they'll be okay, I promise. You may be surprised at how they just go about living their own lives and don't worry so much abour your life. Everyone told me that and I didn't believe them and now I'm here to say they were all right and I was wrong. So much wasted time.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

notmyjamie said:


> So sorry to hear you're struggling. I honestly, from the depths of my soul, think that will improve once you finally move out. I thought you were going to do that in May? Has the plan changed? If the other house is ready now, do it now. Please.
> 
> And your kids are college aged...they'll be okay, I promise. You may be surprised at how they just go about living their own lives and don't worry so much abour your life. Everyone told me that and I didn't believe them and now I'm here to say they were all right and I was wrong. So much wasted time.


The May thing was when to tell my little one... because she had her exams. But then it came out anyway. The house is not ready. Kitchen and bathroom need to be upgraded, especially the kitchen, which is unusable right now. Unfortunately, my trusted builder is busy, but he might be able to do in August.

I hope things will improve. The thing is: you wanted to move out, I didn't. Despite all our problems, I still thought it was fixable, so I have to re-adjust. Talking to the therapist is helping. But the other day I had confirmation that there is no way back. It's definitely over. So, I've started to process this in my head. It will take some time.


----------



## Kindheart79 (Jun 21, 2019)

Separation can be done creatively. It just takes thought and good communication. My STBX and I try to be very respectful of each other's space and so far, it's working the best that it can.[/QUOTE]

Glad that is working for now. My kids and me are very used to me having my own floor in the house, with us have a meal and a family movie a couple times a week. 

With the right situation, respect and creativity, I could see us trying to date outside of the house while maintaining a family unit. Depends 100% on the people involved or how that first conversation/letter goes...


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Kindheart79 said:


> Depends 100% on the people involved or how that first conversation/letter goes...


I think most people will be put off by the arrangement... but you can only try... :smile2:


----------

