# Totally overwhelmed



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey guys -- a lot going on here, and I feel like I'm drowning. I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

Friday, STBXH and I had our first 4-way meeting with our lawyers. It went as well as to be expected, and we found out that with collaborative law, we have options where it concerns our prenup: we can keep it as-is and use it, we can keep certain parts of it and "throw out" other parts of it, or we can toss it entirely and start anew. We can also make amendments to it. The prenup protects my home and my dogs, and I'm not willing to let either of those things go. STBX has already started into wanting me to pay his late fees for my switching cable companies, part of his "rent" from the last month (most of which he wasn't there; this is understandable), and his recent dental bill. Dental bill is off the table now, but with the other 2, it totals around $500, which I will have to owe him. We need to sit down together, go through our list of joint property, and try to divide that up, then we have another 4-way meeting in November. This whole thing is getting pretty overwhelming, and I actually had a panic attack throughout our entire 3 hour long meeting.

My folks asked how the meeting went, and I accidentally told them more info than I probably should've. I talked to my mom on the phone on Saturday, and was told that her and dad wanted to come over and have a coffee and a little chat. I very reluctantly agreed. They're concerned about me losing the house, not because it's the roof over mine and the dog's heads, but because my dad has put a lot of work into it. I don't want to lose it either. I also told my mom that if she has concerns that need voicing, I 100% get that, and that she's welcome to voice her concerns, ONCE. I will hear her (as I always have) that one time, she needs to hear my answer, and then she needs to let it go. She's apparently under so much stress that she's up in the middle of the night, sitting by herself in the dark living room, and for some reason, I am at fault for this. They're thinking of moving a few hours away in the next few years, which I think is fantastic. A little distance will do us all a helluva a lot of good!

Saturday after they left, I was some upset, and probably should't have gone out in public. I had gone to a Wal-Mart to meet up with that man I had been casually seeing (a couple of our "dates" have been to go a peruse a Wal-Mart; we're pretty low-key people). We hadn't seen each other in a week, and I missed him at the store, so I wandered a bit until my eyes welled. We ended up meeting up at another place where he did a supper take-out meal. He could tell I was upset, asked a few times if I was okay and if I wanted to go for a walk. I didn't want his food to get cold, but was in desperate need for someone to hug me and tell me it's going to be okay. He gave me a big hug, and I almost broke down on him (and I'm not a crier). We saw each other for a grand total of about 5 minutes, parted ways, and I ended up sobbing in my vehicle. Many texts were exchanged, with him offering to come over for a bit (this was already later in the evening 9:30-ish), and we live about 30 minutes apart. He was already wiped out from his week, and I didn't want to add to his stress, so I turned him down a few times (he kept offering, right up until about 1:30am). He's now being a little shorter with me, and thinks that I'm playing games when I'm not. And now, I seriously wish I'd have taken him up on the offers, and I feel quite badly that I didn't. He just wanted to be there for me, and I wouldn't let him. He didn't have my address, so he couldn't just pop over.

Long and short of it, I'm sad and lonely, upset and stressed about my family situation, upset about how things are transpiring with this new man, and am just so tired of the tears. I'm not even a crier, and I don't EVER cry in front of others unless I'm so upset that it can't be held in (I was told to suck it up a lot in my childhood years when upset). So, to nearly break down in front of this new man is very out of character. I do have some bright spots in all of this (my dogs, great workplace environment, good friends). I'm just getting pretty overwhelmed, and don't know how to handle things anymore.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

It's life, no one makes it out alive. Don't sweat the small stuff and live it up. 

When was the last time you got laid? Seriously, just 5 minutes with him at Wally World? You should have been banging his brains out that night.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Wow, reading your post made me a little overwhelmed myself. Sister, that is a lot of unnecessary stress. 
@Ursula, you need to find activities that relax both your mind and body. The first ones that come to my mind are working out and meditation. Have you tried either? 

The workouts have to be the kind that leave you panting and sweating. None of this 'leisurely walk' ****. Run sprints, become the queen of tabata, do HIIT or circuits. These types of workouts lower stress hormones (adrenaline and cortisol) in the body. They also increase the happy hormone (dopamine)

The meditation is to stop the runaway train that is your mind under stress. Mindful meditation specifically is a great tool to teach you to live one moment at a time. 

If all else fails......herb is your friend . 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@GuyInColorado -- In the grand scheme of things, this is small stuff, and I know that, but right now, in the thick of it, it sure doesn't feel small! So true that no one makes it out alive. The last time that I was laid was just over 2 weeks ago, by the man that I mentioned in this thread. It wasn't fantastic, and I wrote about that in Men's Clubhouse forum, entitled "Sex question for the men". I'm sorry, I don't know how to link up to other threads. And honestly, I didn't even feel like banging him Saturday night, I just wanted to be with him.
@Lila -- Sorry about that, and yes, I agree, it's a lot of unnecessary stress. Good idea on finding activities, and funny that I was thinking on the way into work this morning that I should look at getting back into latin dancing. I do "work out", but could definitely do more in this area. I walk a lot, and fast, and do dog walking after work 4 days a week, plus walk my own 2x a day. And, if I need to run an errand, I try to walk if it's within a 40 minute walk. I average between 15,000-20,000 steps a day most days. Could definitely do more strenuous activities though, as well as adding in weights. I've put on about 7 pounds since the separation, probably mostly due to stress.

I've wanted to get into meditation, but don't even know where to start, and find it a bit daunting because I'm on-the-go so much. I'll google "mindful meditation", and see what comes up. Herb, as in pot?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Hey guys -- a lot going on here, and I feel like I'm drowning. I'll try to keep this as short as possible.
> 
> Friday, STBXH and I had our first 4-way meeting with our lawyers. It went as well as to be expected, and we found out that with collaborative law, we have options where it concerns our prenup: we can keep it as-is and use it, we can keep certain parts of it and "throw out" other parts of it, or we can toss it entirely and start anew. We can also make amendments to it. The prenup protects my home and my dogs, and I'm not willing to let either of those things go. STBX has already started into wanting me to pay his late fees for my switching cable companies, part of his "rent" from the last month (most of which he wasn't there; this is understandable), and his recent dental bill. Dental bill is off the table now, but with the other 2, it totals around $500, which I will have to owe him. We need to sit down together, go through our list of joint property, and try to divide that up, then we have another 4-way meeting in November. This whole thing is getting pretty overwhelming, and I actually had a panic attack throughout our entire 3 hour long meeting.
> 
> ...


Just text the guy and tell him the upset and stressed part or your last paragraph, basically thank him for the offer and help and how much you appreciate it. If he is a good guy he will understand. What you are going through is hard, give yourself a brake.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Ursula said:


> @Lila -- Sorry about that, and yes, I agree, it's a lot of unnecessary stress. Good idea on finding activities, and funny that I was thinking on the way into work this morning that I should look at getting back into latin dancing. I do "work out", but could definitely do more in this area. I walk a lot, and fast, and do dog walking after work 4 days a week, plus walk my own 2x a day. And, if I need to run an errand, I try to walk if it's within a 40 minute walk. I average between 15,000-20,000 steps a day most days. Could definitely do more strenuous activities though, as well as adding in weights. I've put on about 7 pounds since the separation, probably mostly due to stress.


Yeah in order to lower stress hormones, it has to be the kind of exercise that raises your heartbeat quite a bit. 

If you can, try quick sprints, uphill, while walking your dogs. Do that a few times and see if it works. 

You can also try looking up 30 minute met cons that you can do at home. Those always kick my butt. 



Ursula said:


> I've wanted to get into meditation, but don't even know where to start, and find it a bit daunting because I'm on-the-go so much. I'll google "mindful meditation", and see what comes up.


Try the audio version of "Wherever You Go, There You Are" by Kabat-Zinn. You can listen to it while in the car and practice the exercises when you get 10 minutes to yourself. 



Ursula said:


> Herb, as in pot?


Lol, yes pot but if that's not your thing, see your Dr about low dose valium. My husband was prescribed 0.5 mg valium that are a God send to him when he's having one of those days. It doesn't make him "high" or anything but it does take the edge off the anxiety. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Beginning a new relationship when you are still going through a divorce with all that entails isnt usually a good idea. Emotionally you are far from ready for a new man, you need to get the divorce over with and then have time to recover and get you life back together first. 
It took me 4 years before I was emotionally ready for a new relationship, and 2 more years before I met my now husband.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Lila said:


> Yeah in order to lower stress hormones, it has to be the kind of exercise that raises your heartbeat quite a bit.
> 
> If you can, try quick sprints, uphill, while walking your dogs. Do that a few times and see if it works.
> 
> ...


Thank-you for the suggestions; they're written down, and I'm going to look into them!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Beginning a new relationship when you are still going through a divorce with all that entails isnt usually a good idea. Emotionally you are far from ready for a new man, you need to get the divorce over with and then have time to recover and get you life back together first.
> It took me 4 years before I was emotionally ready for a new relationship, and 2 more years before I met my now husband.


Ideally, this is what I would like to do, BUT, I want to have a family, or at least a shot at having one, and I'm 39. Emotionally, I'm not ready for a full-on relationship, but I am ready to slowly start getting to know someone, and taking it from there. Honestly, in my heart, I know that this man-friend of mine isn't going to be someone I could/would settle down with. At least, that's how I feel at this point. He's nice though, and I feel safe in his presence, which calms me down and gives me the warm fuzzies, which is a nice feeling for a change.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I know pot...I know Pol Pot.

I never smoked it, but would have loved to smoked Pol Pot.

Smoke him' and plant him one foot under. So the ***** and skunks can dig him up and chew on his unholy soul.
............................................................................................................................
If you do not smoke, do not start smoking pot. Why ruin your lungs.

The damn things are so touchy and delicate.

Walking is fine. Whatever exercise you do go at it slowly.
If you strain something or rip something it takes forever to heal.

You may want to find a friend to go bike riding in one the great parks we have in the U.S..
Swimming is good also, it exercises many of the muscle groups.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Ideally, this is what I would like to do, BUT, I want to have a family, or at least a shot at having one, and I'm 39. Emotionally, I'm not ready for a full-on relationship, but I am ready to slowly start getting to know someone, and taking it from there. Honestly, in my heart, I know that this man-friend of mine isn't going to be someone I could/would settle down with. At least, that's how I feel at this point. He's nice though, and I feel safe in his presence, which calms me down and gives me the warm fuzzies, which is a nice feeling for a change.


This may be too forward (never stopped me before) but have you looked into freezing your eggs. That might take some of the pressure off.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

If $500 is the only hang up you are having in your divorce pay it and be done, that's well worth the price of peace. 

Parent stress? How old are you? They will always be your parents and want to protect you but as adults you need to learn how to disagree and still love each other. The boundaries are yours to set or they will always look at you as a child.

Divorce is an incredibly emotional period, truly not a good time to start a new relationship...and you just experienced why. In the moment the new guy wanted to save you from pain, but after he had some time to think things thru he probably is wondering what the hell he has gotten into, so no surprise if he is backing off. 

As for wanting children even as a man I can understand that. Honestly in this day and age you don't need a man for that (other than his seed), I see nothing wrong with a woman going ahead and starting a family on her own. 

Your goal shouldn't be finding a man to settle down with, your goal should be planning a future that makes you happy and fulfilled, expecting to find that perfect person to build that future around isn't good planning, it's like playing the lotto and hoping you get lucky. Direct your future using what you can control, don't depend on luck.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

These cable and dental bills need to be cleaned up.

Who is paying for these "4 way" mediations?

Just pay the cable bill and his dental costs and keep the house and the dog.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> I know pot...I know Pol Pot.
> 
> I never smoked it, but would have loved to smoked Pol Pot.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry, I don't know what the first part of your post means, but I don't plan on smoking pot or anything else. I play a wind instrument (for 28 years), and would completely ruin my lung capacity for that. Swimming is something that I would do, but bikeriding... definitely not! I also enjoy jogging, and doing body weight exercises.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

sokillme said:


> This may be too forward (never stopped me before) but have you looked into freezing your eggs. That might take some of the pressure off.


I haven't, but have thought about it. This is something that I may look further into.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ursula said:


> I haven't, but have thought about it. This is something that I may look further into.


Might be a good idea.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

sandcastle said:


> These cable and dental bills need to be cleaned up.
> 
> Who is paying for these "4 way" mediations?
> 
> Just pay the cable bill and his dental costs and keep the house and the dog.


We are both paying for our own lawyers, he is covering his dental bill, and we're splitting the cable costs. As to the dogs, they're in our prenup as both going to me should we part ways. They were my rescue dogs well before STBX came into the picture.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Cooper said:


> If $500 is the only hang up you are having in your divorce pay it and be done, that's well worth the price of peace.
> 
> Parent stress? How old are you? They will always be your parents and want to protect you but as adults you need to learn how to disagree and still love each other. The boundaries are yours to set or they will always look at you as a child.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, $500 isn't the only hang up we're having, but hopefully we can resolve things by the time our next mediation appointment, and that will hopefully be our last appointment. 

Yes, huge amounts of parental stress, and I'm 39. Despite trying, they (mostly my mom) can't seem to let go of those apron strings. We get along great as long as I'm smiling, nodding and making decisions they agree with, but as soon as I stand on my own, mom goes into panic mode. I know that they do what they do out of love and protection, but it gets to be a bit much sometimes. 

Yes, perhaps the new man is starting to head for the hills, who knows. At this point, I'm not jumping into a new relationship, and we're just keeping things casual. I know that I don't NEED a man to have a family, but I would like to have that support when raising a family. Plus, I don't make nearly enough to support a child by myself. 

I really like what you said in your last paragraph; that makes sense to me. What I want is to be a mom, ideally with the support of a man, but yeah, that's like playing the lottery, and we all know what the chances of winning that are! I highly doubt that I will be able to find a man in time to even hope to have a family, so you're right, I should start looking to either have a baby on my own or adopt and be a single mom. I'm not sure how the heck I'll afford it, but I could always take in a roommate for extra cash flow, and work weekends on top of my full time job and 2 businesses. I did the 7-day-a-week thing in my early 20s, and could certainly do it again if need be.


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