# now what?



## nowwhat67 (May 31, 2009)

I need help - fast
Hy all,
I do not want to go to deep into details.
We are married 8 yrs, second time for both of us.
We get along fine - except we hardly have sex, or holding hands or kissing or any form of intimacy. It has been different in the beginning. After many tears and all that comes with it, he told me I do not shower enough....and my weight was an issue. He never saw me shower cause I went into the bathroom after he was off to work, I took care of the kids in the morning and so on....now Imake sure I am in shower before him - like always, every day - and no, I do not have BO. Yes, I gained weight after the baby, 5 years ago...I am down to a size 10 again and he says it is not the issue. Now it is stress at work... or taxes or money or whatever. I understand all of that. But comon no sex in months ( 13 was the most) I knwo he looks at porn online...yes I check his pc and email. 
He travels alot to Chicago, a few nights in a row...so I am always suspicious and it kills me. I know he talks a lot to an old flame on the phone when he travels. Now he changed her entry in the cell phone from her name to a different name, same number .... he knows I know and he told me she is just the ex wife od an old friend...
Yesterday I found in his email that he has registered with an onlinesite for 1 on 1 sex in the area of Chicago. I checked his post and profile and signed up there too to check him out.
What shall I do???? I am impatient if it comes to this. I do not know yet when he has to travel again next, I can not secretly follow for we have three children living in the house.
I do not get this. I am 42, good looking, love to have sex...
He tells me he loves me and that he does not want me to leave and that the problem is on his side.... then I find this online thing.....now what? Please help/advise fast, I am going insane. can not look at him or pretend everything is ok until I know more
Thank you


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

If he hasn't already cheated, he will soon in my opinion.

You need to confront him, period.


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## nowwhat67 (May 31, 2009)

But I have no real evidence...how do I explain that I know about it? Snooping around is one thing, but admitting it is - oh yeeez.
Stupid - but I feel guilty.
In an ideal world I would like to drive up next time he is on business and check out what he does at night...catch him. 
Just to make sure... I kind of need to know for sure - or not? How do I aproach and confront him now - he will say there is nothing...??
I am sooo furious. Always thought this would never happen to me.
I talked to my ex - we are a close family and he said...there are reasons for everything but cheating - he would have never ever considered it - there was no reason for it....
what a mess
Thank you


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Well. It sounds to me like you have everything except the smoking gun.

Here's the thing. Right now...knowing what you do...are you prepared to forgive him, and try to salvage your marriage? If you peeked through a hotel window and confirmed, would your answer change?

Of course he is going to lie. "I did not have sex with that woman...". It's almost instinct.

Does he have a believable explanation for why he changed her name in his phonebook? Because that smacks of trying to hide something.

Registering with the 1on1 site might mean he's getting a thrill out of reading adds. Or he's has or is planning on following through.

If you can't follow him personally, and you absolutely have to know. Have you thought about retaining a PI? Spying on possibly cheating spouses is what they do best. I hesitate to mention it. Don't do it if you aren't prepared to hear the answer.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I spied on my H and had no problem confronting him with it. In fact, I got him to fess up to more by making him think i knew more then I did. I dont feel guilty about it. I think my right to protect myself is much more serious and important then pissing off a low-life liar.


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## nowwhat67 (May 31, 2009)

Oh, I would have no problem to confront him and eliminate him forever from my life. Since we have one little one together I just need to be 150% sure. I will try and follow him next time, it is a 6 hr ride.... oh boy. A PI I can not afford  Already trying to find someone locally who will observe for me - just for the heck of it.
It is all so difficult. We will see. It just makes me want to throw up thinking about all of this. Cheating is something I would NEVER do and he knows my oppinion. I know he is not cheating with the old flame... I guess he more seeks the uncomplicated situation, no strings attached. The more I read about catching a cheating husband... he is not doing any of the "change sex behaviour, change clothes styly, he does not talk on the phone or leave the room, he does not email any particular person anything sex related. He is the same at home like always.... just the sites, the movies online.... he never kisses other then when leaving the house in the morning, a peck on the cheek. WOW yeah me, how lucky.
Hard is the keeping still, it itches me to confront him but I need to be paitent if I want to catch him, so I have to play "normal" knwoing he has other intentions....bah


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