# I am so insecure.



## Jewel1010 (Aug 26, 2016)

I have a boyfriend I have been living with for 3 yrs. I am 50 he is 49. He has been divirced twice i have been divorced twice and my 3rd husband passed away Dec 3rd 2011. I am totally in love with this man. But not convinced he is totally in love with me. He says he loves me when i say I love you to him. When we started talking to each other. His Ex girlfriend of a brief relationship was trying talk to him to string him along and he was kind of hanging on. She dumped him and got married to an ex fiance. Then decided she mmade a mistake. Anyway. We kept talking and decided to give us a chance. I told him I did not wantbhim talking to her! He said when he did itbwas just hi how are you he did not want to be rude or hurt anybodies feelings. That is how it snow balled. She also aword him money. Which I suggested he write off. Sobhe would have no contact. He did talk to her a year later I got very intuition sick to my stomach. He was spending alot if time on Facebook all of a sudden. He was showing me something and an inccinent swipe right there in front if him i saw a Pm she sent that said I miss you too. He had told her he missed his squishy. And had been thinking about her too. In response to her saying she was yhinking about him a lot. I was devastated and angry. Could not sleep. I went into his PM and saw he had been talking with old girlfriends from highschool about why there relationships didnt work out. I made it clear this hurt me deeply. He made it clear none of it was meant in a sexual way toward anyone. We gotbpast it and after another year it flared up on Facebook again. I see he is comment to some other old acquaintances from highschool. And he is on Facebook more than ever. SonI went in his PM again. And sure enough he had messaged them PRIVATELY . Telling them how gorgeous they were. And how miserable his life was after two failed marriages. And one foriegn girl he had asked. Where have you been all my life. I confronted him. And he said he did not mean any of it like I took it. He was just being encouraging because they were going through hard times (divorcing). We had a huge fight and he **** down facebook. Told me he needed me he didnt need facebook. Now it is a year later and i find out in the past six months he has been on old dating app account. And signed up 4 mos ago on at least one sex site. I have not talked to him about it. Because ince again I will make him feel untrusted. But I dontbknow what to think?


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

OP...you are insecure because your jerk of a boyfriend is making you insecure.

He is going to contact women on facebook, because you are still there with him. You have told him how this behavior of his makes you feel, and he has continued along with the same behavior, despite the fact that you asked him to stop. He tries to placate you by giving you excuses like "he was being encouraging because they were going through hard times". BS. He is contacting them because he is fishing for attention. 

I'm sorry you are here, but sounds like you need to give your boyfriend a wakeup call and leave him. Is the relationship worth you having to constantly look over your shoulder?


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## Jewel1010 (Aug 26, 2016)

I am not so sure that he believes he is fishing.. He says Men are visual. And he is not looking for anyone else. I am not sure if emotional cheating is as cut and dry as physically cheating. He did make changes to make me feel better about the Social media discussions. But he is adamant that it was not the way it seemed to me. And I dont believe in my heart he would physically cheat on me. His second wife was a beauty Queen. Literally Mrs. INDIANA 2008. Yes he bought her title pretty much but no denying she is gorgeous. And i am not. He has occasionally referred to me as being a beautiful person. As in personality. And i have seen women who has told they are beautiful gorgeous hot. But not me. Rarely talk about itbunless I bring it up. You see this really does feel like it is my insecurity problem and not his problem. I dont want to lose him because of my issues.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Don't spend another second fighting for this relationship with a serial cheater. He's like a monkey swinging from branch to branch, and he won't let go of one branch (you) until he finds someone else. Take that option away from him.


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## Jewel1010 (Aug 26, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> Don't spend another second fighting for this relationship with a serial cheater. He's like a monkey swinging from branch to branch, and he won't let go of one branch (you) until he finds someone else. Take that option away from him.


Even though he hasnt actually physically cheated. Has not texted or emailed anyone. And tells me the only thing he wants do is make me happy. He is a good hearted person and I am afraid I am seeing that as not caring about me. Because he cares about everyo e. Has went above and beyond for my grown children. Is papaw to my younger grand children... i am afraid i am making to much of something that may be nothing.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Jewel1010 said:


> Even though he hasnt actually physically cheated. Has not texted or emailed anyone. And tells me the only thing he wants do is make me happy. He is a good hearted person and I am afraid I am seeing that as not caring about me. Because he cares about everyo e. Has went above and beyond for my grown children. Is papaw to my younger grand children... i am afraid i am making to much of something that may be nothing.


You're parsing words here. Sending PMs via Facebook, though not technically considered texting or email, it is nonetheless a written form of communication. He's done this over and over again, and he's not going to stop. Actions speak louder than words. 

He's signed up to a sex site, has told other women he misses them, and expresses how miserable he is after his divorces. 

Listen, only you can decide how much you are willing to tolerate. You can endure this while you hurt more and more, while he continues to take this further underground. People push boundaries because they think they can. If he respected and cared about your feelings, he would have stopped cold turkey.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Jewel1010 said:


> Even though he hasnt actually physically cheated. Has not texted or emailed anyone.


I agree with becareful on this one. PMing someone on facebook is the equivalent of texting or emailing them. Just a different form of communication, same BS. 



Jewel1010 said:


> And tells me the only thing he wants do is make me happy.


IF he wanted to make you happy, he would respect your feelings and not contact other women or join online sex sites.



Jewel1010 said:


> He is a good hearted person and I am afraid I am seeing that as not caring about me. Because he cares about everyone.


Apparently everyone but you. If he cared, he wouldn't keep contacting other women and making you feel badly. No matter how he sugar coats it.



Jewel1010 said:


> He has went above and beyond for my grown children. Is papaw to my younger grand children... i am afraid i am making to much of something that may be nothing


I don't think you are making too much of something that may be nothing. He is dismissing your feelings and doing whatever the flip he wants to, and then making you feel guilty over questioning him about it. You need to decide if you will continue to put up with this. I realize it is difficult to see the forest for the trees when you are emotionally involved, but try and take a step back from this and weigh what people are telling you. Can you go for individual counseling? I think it would help you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You deserve better. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Some people are mature in their early teens, while others have yet to mature even in their fifties and beyond.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Wow pull the blinders off, he is not being honest with you at all.

He is disrespecting you, lying to you, tells every woman but you they are beautiful, signed up for a sex site. Visual or not he is crossing the line. he needs to be talking sweet nothings to you not other women.



I would show this jerk the door.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Do you know why his 2 marriages didn't work? Did infidelity have anything to do with them? 

These are big red flags. When you're dating, the love and sex should be so exciting! You not supposed to be remotely interested in someone else yet your bf is seeking others out. Break it off. 

Sorry you're dealing with this. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Two words: Bye bye.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I would not say you are insecure ...you are with someone who is spitting on being faithful like a good man is supposed to be.....he is greatly disrespecting you...chatting up to old flames, joining sex sites.. this man needs a constant flow of validation from other lovers I guess.. or new ones... he's not the monogamous type...

You can bet his ex's have already been there.. Leave him.. if you want to be TRUE to someone.. don't settle for less than Him being TRUE to you..


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Don't think insecurity is the issue, rather you are involved with a narcissist, who is incapable of fidelity. Run, and run fast.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Only a boyfriend?!? DUMP HIM. 

If you marry him, knowing all this already, then you've invited betrayal into your life with open arms.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How do you think he would react if you did the same things with many men?


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## Jewel1010 (Aug 26, 2016)

He would not care because it would just be me talking to old friends. At least that is how he makes me understand he would feel. About the sex sites and dating apps. I dont know if he would think it is a big deal. Maybe that is why it bothers me so much . He knows I would never do that to him. Both of his Exes were unfaithful. Not him. I know the first one very well. I used to be married to her Uncle he was much older than me. And she doesnt want me to be with my BF. She has a very low opinion of me. That is a huge factor in why he is JUST the boyfriend! I am listening. And appreciate all of your opinions. I think counseling might help me. I am an Overthinker and a worrier!!


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

People like him sign up with a sex site not because they're looking for porn but because they're looking for a hook-up. He gives you the bare minimum assurances but you catch him breaking his promises over and over. That's really stressful to have to constantly look for signs of cheating. You're only 50, surely there must be someone out there better than him. Do you envision growing old with this guy whom you can't trust? When you get sick, does he take care of you? You have a good decade or two of good living left, do you want to spend those years stressing over his potential continuous cheating?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

He hasn't stopped, he won't stop, and it's extremely doubtful that you even know the half of what he is up to.

If all of that is ok with you, stay with him. If it's not, you know what you have to do.


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## Jewel1010 (Aug 26, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> People like him sign up with a sex site not because they're looking for porn but because they're looking for a hook-up. He gives you the bare minimum assurances but you catch him breaking his promises over and over. That's really stressful to have to constantly look for signs of cheating. You're only 50, surely there must be someone out there better than him. Do you envision growing old with this guy whom you can't trust? When you get sick, does he take care of you? You have a good decade or two of good living left, do you want to spend those years stressing over his potential continuous cheating?


 yes I do envision myself growing old with him. I love this man very much. Yes he does take care of me when I am sick. Besides working he is with me. He is not a smoker or drinker. He does not go out and hang with his buddies. Times when we are apart are when i go 2 times a year for the weekend away with my Mother. Or gone for the day on a random saturday shopping. He is normally helping his Dad out and visiting with his Mom... He is a Deer hunter and last year He took me with him several times just to spend time with him.. We are now spending a lot of our free time.TOGETHER playing Pokemon Go.... He is funny and kind and generous and intellegent. It has been a year since he shut down the social media situation....remember because he needed me more than Facebook... is it possible the sex site thing was just boredom and while he was looking at porn he made a bad judgement over curious and signed up took look at more naked women. Men seem to do this out of habit and boredom!! He has not contacted anyone chatted with or emailed anyone from there is what I meant. If I had never snooped in his private message......this may have never went beyond that first fight over the ex girl friend...


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## Jewel1010 (Aug 26, 2016)

Spicy said:


> He hasn't stopped, he won't stop, and it's extremely doubtful that you even know the half of what he is up to.
> 
> If all of that is ok with you, stay with him. If it's not, you know what you have to do.


I trust that he is not seeking out his old friends on social media anymore. Even though he does not think he did anything wrong back then. He still is sorry that it hurt me and he took steps to make sure he does not hurt me like that again. But that fear that he will start talking to some woman and grow close to her. Especially if she is in need if help and God help Me if she is beautiful to look at... thoughts like this are my problem. Am I just over reacting to him being just friends with females. I can not stress enough that he constantly asks me what i am thinking about..what he can do to help me in any given situation.....


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## Jewel1010 (Aug 26, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Do you know why his 2 marriages didn't work? Did infidelity have anything to do with them?
> 
> These are big red flags. When you're dating, the love and sex should be so exciting! You not supposed to be remotely interested in someone else yet your bf is seeking others out. Break it off.
> 
> ...


His ex wives werenever in love with anything but his wallet. The first was with him long enogh to finally have a child (hooks permanently in wallet) and then kicked him out before said child was two. She had started an affair with someone she met before she droped out of college and just before they met and married. She treated him like a sperm donor and a meal ticket. Has tried to run his life and control everything in it. She has GOLDEN UTERUS SYNDROME!!! And still today he takes all the abuse she puts out so it wont make waves a or cause problems for his son. The ssecond wife again took him for everything he had...and flirted with every man she came in contact with. He finally told he wanted a divorce when she came in at 4 am with her clothes in disaaray and hair a mess. That freshly f****** look. Did i say he was home with her two chidren.
And we live together...not dating. And our sex life was and still is fantastic. Better than either of us have had i our lives. Not enough for me... went to once a week pretty quickly after i moved in.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Well, I guess it sounds like you want to stay???? Since he is such a great guy now, by your last couple of posts.

For me, I'd rather be with someone who smokes and hangs out with his buddies sometimes, than be with someone who is chasing after exes and random attention from women online; including dating apps


I don't think going on deer hunting trips (yuck...that's just me), playing Pokemon and visiting his parents regularly is such a fantastic resume; the way you seem to think it is.

The overall consensus here seems to be that this guy is going to be a dud; get out now while you are unmarried. I would agree with that.


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## Jewel1010 (Aug 26, 2016)

He has always been a great guy. Except for the social media and dealing with his ex wife.... I am trying to understand what is going through a mans mind.. ? I am trying to work on this relationship not just throw ot away. Because I Love Him.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Well, I guess it sounds like you want to stay???? Since he is such a great guy now, by your last couple of posts.
> 
> For me, I'd rather be with someone who smokes and hangs out with his buddies sometimes, than be with someone who is chasing after exes and random attention from women online; including dating apps


Love can be so blind.. sometimes we just need to buckle down to common sense, not our emotions, and make ourselves walk in the other direction.. she is selling herself VERY short here.. and someday will look back asking herself.. how she was this stupid.. unfortunately.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Jewel1010 said:


> His ex wives werenever in love with anything but his wallet. The first was with him long enogh to finally have a child (hooks permanently in wallet) and then kicked him out before said child was two. She had started an affair with someone she met before she droped out of college and just before they met and married. She treated him like a sperm donor and a meal ticket. Has tried to run his life and control everything in it. She has GOLDEN UTERUS SYNDROME!!! And still today he takes all the abuse she puts out so it wont make waves a or cause problems for his son. The ssecond wife again took him for everything he had...and flirted with every man she came in contact with. He finally told he wanted a divorce when she came in at 4 am with her clothes in disaaray and hair a mess. That freshly f****** look. Did i say he was home with her two chidren.
> And we live together...not dating. And our sex life was and still is fantastic. Better than either of us have had i our lives. Not enough for me... went to once a week pretty quickly after i moved in.


His past doesn't matter - he's cheating on you. And guys like this make it sound like all the women before were all ''crazy'' or ''gold diggers.'' Could be true, but you don't have a good guy here, he's cheating on you, that's not a good guy. If you want to stay with him, then you will have only yourself to blame when he continues to cheat on you with women online. Hopefully you choose you, in all of this.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Jewel1010 said:


> He has always been a great guy. Except for the social media and dealing with his ex wife.... I am trying to understand what is going through a mans mind.. ? I am trying to work on this relationship not just throw ot away. Because I Love Him.




So, let's say you decide to stay because you think his good qualities make it worthwhile to do so.

Can you accept the fact that from time to time, he will spend time interacting with women on Facebook and other sites?

Because you've asked him to stop, and he hasn't.

In the early days of a relationship (you're still only 3 years in), is when people are *most* likely to consider the others' feelings; and make the decision to stop behaviors that hurt their partner in life.

He has never done this.

So, the chances are, he will keep doing this.

He will change for three reasons:

*He has an epiphany; and realizes how fruitless this behavior is, and he stops on his own---this is the ideal thing to happen.

He wants to keep doing this stuff online; but stops because he loves you; and how you feel matters to him.

He wants to keep doing this; but doesn't 'cause he's afraid you'll catch him.*

When people are very self-centered they will not change unless they will face an unpleasant consequence if they don't change.

IOW, he might change to minimize any fuss you kick up over this. He's not going to change because he cares about how it hurts you.


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## Jewel1010 (Aug 26, 2016)

Maybe i am not using common sense. Maybe i am stupid... i surely feelilike it right this moment. I was married at 18 to an irresponsible pothead we had a baby when i was 15. After 3 years I could see he was not going to help take care of us and I was working. And tried to pay bills and provide on demand sex. I decided to divirce and try to make a better life for my daughter. I then spent 12 years in a relationship where i was treated like a maid cook and a hooker. And like I had no value. Talked to like a piece of trash. When he started treating our son that way. I left. I came out of that with 2 amazing children. Then found a man who i loved and loved me . He made me feel the value of me as a person. And helped heal my emotional scars from being sexually abused growing up. And he made my world safe and secure. Then after 11 years of marriage Cancer took him away. I wanted to die. And i miss our life. But I love my BF now. He has created a sexual goddess in me that i never knew before.that wants and desires.and is overwhelmed by his caring about if my needs are met. But also fosters in me a fear of losing someone i love.. magnum PI stuff going on in my head.!!


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Jewel, 

I don't know the correct term of this is but I did it with my ex who abused me. 

Perhaps, Behaviour Enable Him & Blame Myself & His Exes. 

He's a master manipulator and has you so blind right now. 
You're reaching out for help but then when you hear how terrible he's treating you up comes automatic defence mode of him. 
I did this too. 

We select our mates & while it's OK for us to be critical of our partners we defend them and their bad behaviour because we look at fault for picking them. 

He will never change, he may get worse the more you let him away with things in the future. 

Listen to your instincts, they don't lie, you know deep down his behaving, cheating is wrong, otherwise why would you be here?

So I hope you can see the light soon. 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Jewel1010 said:


> Maybe i am not using common sense. Maybe i am stupid... i surely feelilike it right this moment. I was married at 18 to an irresponsible pothead we had a baby when i was 15. After 3 years I could see he was not going to help take care of us and I was working. And tried to pay bills and provide on demand sex. I decided to divirce and try to make a better life for my daughter. I then spent 12 years in a relationship where i was treated like a maid cook and a hooker. And like I had no value. Talked to like a piece of trash. When he started treating our son that way. I left. I came out of that with 2 amazing children. Then found a man who i loved and loved me . He made me feel the value of me as a person. And helped heal my emotional scars from being sexually abused growing up. And he made my world safe and secure. Then after 11 years of marriage Cancer took him away. I wanted to die. And i miss our life. But I love my BF now. He has created a sexual goddess in me that i never knew before.that wants and desires.and is overwhelmed by his caring about if my needs are met. But also fosters in me a fear of losing someone i love.. magnum PI stuff going on in my head.!!


The title of your thread is ''I am so insecure.'' Your bf is cheating on you. He isn't doing a thing to make you feel secure, he's doing things to make you feel uncertain. There comes a point when you have to ask yourself why you love someone who cheats on you. No amount of good sex could make me tolerate someone who cheats on me.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jewel1010 said:


> I have a boyfriend I have been living with for 3 yrs. I am 50 he is 49. He has been divirced twice i have been divorced twice and my 3rd husband passed away Dec 3rd 2011. I am totally in love with this man. But not convinced he is totally in love with me. He says he loves me when i say I love you to him. When we started talking to each other. His Ex girlfriend of a brief relationship was trying talk to him to string him along and he was kind of hanging on. She dumped him and got married to an ex fiance. Then decided she mmade a mistake. Anyway. We kept talking and decided to give us a chance. I told him I did not wantbhim talking to her! He said when he did itbwas just hi how are you he did not want to be rude or hurt anybodies feelings. That is how it snow balled. She also aword him money. Which I suggested he write off. Sobhe would have no contact. He did talk to her a year later I got very intuition sick to my stomach. He was spending alot if time on Facebook all of a sudden. He was showing me something and an inccinent swipe right there in front if him i saw a Pm she sent that said I miss you too. He had told her he missed his squishy. And had been thinking about her too. In response to her saying she was yhinking about him a lot. I was devastated and angry. Could not sleep. I went into his PM and saw he had been talking with old girlfriends from highschool about why there relationships didnt work out. I made it clear this hurt me deeply. He made it clear none of it was meant in a sexual way toward anyone. We gotbpast it and after another year it flared up on Facebook again. I see he is comment to some other old acquaintances from highschool. And he is on Facebook more than ever. SonI went in his PM again. And sure enough he had messaged them PRIVATELY . Telling them how gorgeous they were. And how miserable his life was after two failed marriages. And one foriegn girl he had asked. Where have you been all my life. I confronted him. And he said he did not mean any of it like I took it. He was just being encouraging because they were going through hard times (divorcing). We had a huge fight and he **** down facebook. Told me he needed me he didnt need facebook. Now it is a year later and i find out in the past six months he has been on old dating app account. And signed up 4 mos ago on at least one sex site. I have not talked to him about it. Because ince again I will make him feel untrusted. But I dontbknow what to think?


You cannot trust this man, get rid of him. 50 is still young enough to meet someone who will treat you with respect, you do not need this drama and his online whoring. DUMP him but get your ducks in a row first and then drop the bomb. He will never change at this age.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jewel1010 said:


> His ex wives werenever in love with anything but his wallet. The first was with him long enogh to finally have a child (hooks permanently in wallet) and then kicked him out before said child was two. She had started an affair with someone she met before she droped out of college and just before they met and married. She treated him like a sperm donor and a meal ticket. Has tried to run his life and control everything in it. She has GOLDEN UTERUS SYNDROME!!! And still today he takes all the abuse she puts out so it wont make waves a or cause problems for his son. The ssecond wife again took him for everything he had...and flirted with every man she came in contact with. He finally told he wanted a divorce when she came in at 4 am with her clothes in disaaray and hair a mess. That freshly f****** look. Did i say he was home with her two chidren.
> And we live together...not dating. And our sex life was and still is fantastic. Better than either of us have had i our lives. Not enough for me... went to once a week pretty quickly after i moved in.


Sounds to me that you have your BF on a pedestal, one sure way to get hurt, stop making excuses for him and set boundaries for your own self respect.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Jewel1010 said:


> Then found a man who i loved and loved me . He made me feel the value of me as a person. And helped heal my emotional scars from being sexually abused growing up. And he made my world safe and secure. Then after 11 years of marriage Cancer took him away. I wanted to die. And i miss our life.


I think you are settling for this turd bf because you are chasing and trying to recapture a past life that was taken from you. 



Jewel1010 said:


> yes I do envision myself growing old with him. I love this man very much. Yes he does take care of me when I am sick. Besides working he is with me. He is not a smoker or drinker. He does not go out and hang with his buddies.


You are codependent on him. You fear being alone because you are not getting any younger. You project your prior husband onto this man and are trying to make him his replacement. No one will replace him. 



Jewel1010 said:


> I am trying to understand what is going through a man's mind.. ?


No you are trying to understand a turd's mind. I am a man and I do not troll sex sites and hit up old flames on facebook. Decent men do not behave like this. Turd's do.

Look you can't change him. You need to fix YOU. Get some individual counseling to address your codependences and lack of self respect. Learn to be happy ALONE. Happiness comes from within. Your partner should COMPLIMENT your happiness NOT be the source. You seek out another person to be happy with and if they are all miserable bastards then that's okay because you are already happy with YOU and no one can take that away. Even this turd. Don't settle, you love the idea of him not the reality. Or this thread would not exist. Get some help and fix yourself.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Jewel1010 said:


> Maybe i am not using common sense. Maybe i am stupid... i surely feelilike it right this moment. I was married at 18 to an irresponsible pothead we had a baby when i was 15. After 3 years I could see he was not going to help take care of us and I was working. And tried to pay bills and provide on demand sex. I decided to divirce and try to make a better life for my daughter. I then spent 12 years in a relationship where i was treated like a maid cook and a hooker. And like I had no value. Talked to like a piece of trash. When he started treating our son that way. I left. I came out of that with 2 amazing children. Then found a man who i loved and loved me . He made me feel the value of me as a person. And helped heal my emotional scars from being sexually abused growing up. And he made my world safe and secure. Then after 11 years of marriage Cancer took him away. I wanted to die. And i miss our life. But I love my BF now. He has created a sexual goddess in me that i never knew before.that wants and desires.and is overwhelmed by his caring about if my needs are met. But also fosters in me a fear of losing someone i love.. magnum PI stuff going on in my head.!!


Jewel,

Much of the above post tells me that you put up with way too much crap. If you want to feel better....please get some individual counseling so that you can get stronger as an individual, and then reevaluate your current relationship. The problem here is that you are having feelings that something is wrong in your relationship, but because you value your boyfriend's opinion more than your own, you think it's you and not him. Because of the way he treats you and manipulates you, he has you thinking the problem is you and not him. 

Get some counseling....you will feel better just getting this off your chest to someone who is impartial to your situation.


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## Jewel1010 (Aug 26, 2016)

I am not trying to replace anyone. I dont compare the two. Niether could take the othets place in my heart. They are very different. I have told him when we discussed the subject of comparinf our selves to other people. That will just drive you crazy. You can compare or make someone be another person or be they way they were.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

It troubles me that your bf's serial cheating causes you to find faults in yourself. This thread should be titled "My bf is a serial cheater."


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Jewel,

Please be careful, I have seen many serial cheating men who have a story like your BF.

They are the most charming people in the world and want desperately to be admired and adored, their public image means everything. They so charming that people will forgive their lies, distortions and manipulations.

But their whole lives are fabrications often, they claim to have money when in fact they live on credit, or they destroy the credit of past lovers/wives/family. 

The stories he tells you about ex'es always seem to feature him as some sort of decent upright man fighting evil, but I suspect even if his ex'es did cheat it was only after years of his lies and cheating came first, and they just broke down from the stress. Most likely he turned his ex'es into him not vice versa.

Think Bill Cosby a man who wanted to maintain an image of a public saint while all the while abusing less powerful women deep in the background.

Tamat


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Jewel,
He lies and cheats on you. He got caught, and temporarily stopped (as far as you know) and then started lying and cheating again. PMing women, lying and signing up for a sex sight should all be nails in his coffin. No going back.

You need to join a Codependents support group and find yourself, so you will stop putting up with disrespect. You are insecure, and his continued behavior is making you more insecure.

Who cares if he visits his mother and father? Serial killers do that. Look at his other behaviors. He is not a safe or healthy person to trust your heart to. If you don't love yourself, why should anyone else, including him? He knows you will put up with his lies, and that is the only reason he keeps you around.


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## Jewel1010 (Aug 26, 2016)

But he doesn't go out and meet women... he has never lived on credit except when trying to make his second wifes dream of becoming Mrs Indiana come true.... he worked 25 years at the same job until the factory closed down. Yes I am defending his honor. Because other than my issue with him appearing to seek out other women to talk to...He is a great guy...And i know I have huge issues which I need to deal with... you dont think my conatant suspicion and making him feel I dont trust him has fueled his current online behavior...And what if the dating app stuff and sex site stuff I have seen in his email.. which he tells me to look in often for purchase reciepts and communication from his son at college...are all just spam!! I will have killed our relationship over my own hang ups.... I also do agree we need clearer boundries in regards to online activity.


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## Jewel1010 (Aug 26, 2016)

I am saying he visits his parents when I am away. He is not out prowling for women... i am curious about the reasons men married or not feel the need to look up pictures of naked women and look at porn....i am not a prude.. i watch porn from time to time... have even looked some up that I know he has watched to see what he likes to watch... if you have a woman who is completely dedicated to you and loves you more than anything....i s this just to pass time when she is busy and you are bored... if this needs moved to new thread I understand. It is off topic.. sorry.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Jewel1010 said:


> I am saying he visits his parents when I am away. He is not out prowling for women...* i am curious about the reasons men married or not feel the need to look up pictures of naked women and look at porn....i am not a prude.. i watch porn from time to time... have even looked some up that I know he has watched to see what he likes to watch...* if you have a woman who is completely dedicated to you and loves you more than anything....i s this just to pass time when she is busy and you are bored... if this needs moved to new thread I understand. It is off topic.. sorry.


Porn isn't the problem for you guys though....right?

The problem is him contacting his ex, and girls from high school on Facebook. Telling them how gorgeous they are. He asked a foreign lady, "where have you been all my life?"----that's kind of heavy duty flirting, if you ask me.

It's him looking at online sex sites and dating apps.

And the general consensus here is that means this guy is not a good bet for loyalty and a long term relationship.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

I'm not sure he appreciates what he has with you. He's exerting his emotion energy with these other women when he should be investing it in his relationship with you.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

You're 50?

My recommendation: Terminate all "social" accounts, insist he does, and live in the real world.

FB is not the place for healthy relationships at our ages. For us 50-somethings, it's a place to market our businesses.


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## Jewel1010 (Aug 26, 2016)

I appreciate the way you pick putvthe pertinent facts and address them. So as not to make me feel like an idiot. Thank you. He has nipped half of the issues that cause me uneasiness in the bud... Like I have said dont want to just throw this relationship away without trying.... And I do wonder what drives men to watch porn... because it can lead easily to other stuff...one more thought. If no one has ever called him on any of this type behavior...or some form of it....does he know it is hurtful?


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## Jewel1010 (Aug 26, 2016)

DustyDog said:


> You're 50?
> 
> My recommendation: Terminate all "social" accounts, insist he does, and live in the real world.
> 
> FB is not the place for healthy relationships at our ages. For us 50-somethings, it's a place to market our businesses.


That is easier said than done....And he did terminate his over a year ago... i have grown children and grand children that do not live near m that I keep a connection with on Facebook. And yes I am 50!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jewel1010 said:


> I am saying he visits his parents when I am away. He is not out prowling for women... i am curious about the reasons men married or not feel the need to look up pictures of naked women and look at porn....i am not a prude.. i watch porn from time to time... have even looked some up that I know he has watched to see what he likes to watch... if you have a woman who is completely dedicated to you and loves you more than anything....i s this just to pass time when she is busy and you are bored... if this needs moved to new thread I understand. It is off topic.. sorry.


You're under the VERY misguided impression that just because *you'd *take a bullet for this cheating jerk, he should feel the same way about you.

And he doesn't - even though you've deluded yourself into thinking he does because you want so *badly* for it to be true.

I say you've deluded yourself because in the beginning of this thread, you CLEARLY stated:

*


Jewel1010 said:



Now it is a year later and i find out in the past six months he has been on old dating app account. And signed up 4 mos ago on at least one sex site.

Click to expand...

*...and by page 3 in this thread, you're defending him for being a great guy and getting angry at those who point out the PAINFULLY obvious - that he's a cheating, lying snake. 

So, we've gone from Mr. Wonderful continually having his "private chats" with various women and his ex's and hitting on anything with a pulse every chance he got on social media right up to you finding out that for the last 6 months he's also got full blown *PROFILES* on dating and sex hook up sites.

And in your constant need to _continue_ deluding yourself that he's a good guy, you try to blame his disgusting and *completely* disrespectful behavior toward you on porn - as though he's an innocent lamb who was led down a sinful path and it was porn that made him sign up for sex sites.



> And I do wonder what drives men to watch porn... * because it can lead easily to other stuff.*


You seem to think because you're with him at night, it's impossible that he's doing anything and that he's only 'talking' to women.. 

Wrong.

If you look at men's profiles on sex hookup sites, a fairly good lot of them clearly state they're ONLY available during the day for 'play.' Now why do you suppose that is? That would be because they need to be home at night so their wives and girlfriends don't find out what kind of low lives they're really involved with, that's why.

Your statements "he's not out prowling around looking for women" and claiming that he ONLY "visits his parents" when you're away are the height of naivete.

Hey look, if you want to continue deluding yourself, go right ahead. It's your life and it doesn't affect me either way no matter what you decide. But if you're smart, you'll get yourself checked for STDs because while _you're_ living in the land of Denial, he's out having himself whatever fun he can find, and it's likely going to be YOU who pays the price for it.



> If no one has ever called him on any of this type behavior...or some form of it....does he know it is hurtful?


Jeez. He OBVIOUSLY knows exactly how wrong his behavior is - that's why he continually HIDES it from you and has successfully managed to *keep *you deluded for a long, long time now. So yes, he knows.


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## Jewel1010 (Aug 26, 2016)

To be clear I am not getting angry with anyone. I am very open to everyones opinion. And I am 100% sure he has not been with another woman physically. Will admit I am not so positive he hadnt chatted with or onsite messaged anyone he has found attractive. In my heart i hope he is only looking PERIOD! I believe when he says he is not looking for anyone else! And yes I realize that makes me appear DELUSIONAL. 

Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jewel1010 said:


> To be clear I am not getting angry with anyone. I am very open to everyones opinion. And I am 100% sure he has not been with another woman physically. Will admit I am not so positive he hadnt chatted with or onsite messaged anyone he has found attractive. In my heart i hope he is only looking PERIOD! I believe when he says he is not looking for anyone else! And yes I realize that makes me appear DELUSIONAL.


To most people, at this point it would not matter if he had been anyone else physically. His on-line activity is profoundly disrespectful of you. So disrespectful that you should not be with him.

Look at the subject of this thread. "I am so insecure." His bad, disrespectful behavior is destroying you. How much longer are you going to allow him to harm you like this?


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