# I think it's over, he wants a sex change & is controlling



## MiracleMommy (Mar 4, 2011)

Hi, I'm new here. My husband and I have been together for 12 years this August, and married 6 years this August. We have two amazing children conceived after 6 years of dealing with loss and infertility. They are 10.5 months apart, 2 and 3 years old at the moment.

The relationship with my husband was horrible at the beging. He was controlling, mentally and emotionally abusive. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone but my family. I was 14 then, and I was in love, so I listened. It's been an extremely hard relationship. I've been the one fighting to hold us together, and to be honest, I just can't fight anymore.

Last year, he came to me and told me he wanted a sex change. I have no problem with it, I think people should be who they feel they are. I support him all the way. On the other hand, I'm not attracted to him as a woman. His personality is great when he's dressed up, because he's truly happy. When he's himself, he's a horrible person. His temper, his attitude, his depression.

We have been through so much together. I lost my parents in 2006, he was there for me, crying with me. That was a big change for me because I depended on them so much still. I've always been a stay at home girlfriend/wife/mom, I've had a couple jobs, but nothing longer than a couple months. I'm scared to leave because I've never had to be on my own before. I'm sure I can manage, but I'm afraid that if I leave, I'll realize I made a mistake. I know he wouldn't take me back. At 14 years old when I was first introduced to him on the phone, I knew he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. How could I have been so stubborn? He made my youth literally a hell for me. I had to do what he said, or else I was yelled at, called names, etc. It has gotten a lot better after the cheating and what not that he put me through. It's been hard.

I love him with all my heart, I always have. I'm still in love with him. But he doesn't make me happy, infact, he makes me feel so worthless. He often tells me I can't make it without him, that I have nowhere to go. A few days ago, we got into it again. He gets mad at me for being on the computer, which is where I was doing my schooling to get my diploma. I gave up because every time I'd try, he'd get mad at me. College, I wanted to start college in January. He doesn't want me to start college until both my children are in school. He yelled at me saying I'm not allowed to have male friends and that he wants it to be just him, the kids and I. I've spent the past 11.5 years of my life letting him control me, who I am, what I do and don't do and when I can do it. I'm tired, I'm so tired of being what he wants me to be. I'm still my own person. Unfortunately, I don't even know who I am anymore.

I don't know what to do. I told him I was leaving the weekend of the 18th. He wanted to try to prove to me that it's worth staying for. Then we had the big arguement about not being allowed to have friends, school, etc. I also have to remember that he does want a sex change. He did say he would stop if I asked him to. However, I won't. I will not stop him from following his dreams, being who he truly is. I can tell it's who he is by the personality changes between the two. I can't go on dealing alone with the heartbreak he causes me, but I can't stay with him as a woman. I do believe a healthy sex life is part of a healthy marriage, and I'm far from being attracted to him as a woman. At this point, I'm almost craving another man...a man in general. For friendship. And I have made some male friends, who I'm "not allowed" to talk to.

I can't be a door mat anymore. I cook, I clean the house, laundry, dishes, I take care of the kids 24/7, literally. He won't even get up with them on one of his days off. He actually neglected my daughter until she was over a year old because of her severe Colic and the fact that he didn't want a second child. In the mean time, treated my son like a prince. I've been ready to leave for years, but stay for the kids and because I'm scared to leave. I fear I can't do it by myself. I fear he's beat me down to nothing. I have no self confidence at all.

Is there any fixing this marriage?


----------



## lovegreen (Mar 3, 2011)

Thats rough....if he is happiest as a woman ...agree with you go for it..MHO is leave, you have been mentally abused...and he wants to be a woman....do you want a relationship w/ a woman? if not your only option is leave now...


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

If there is any hope of saving it, but the sex change on hold for now and get into PC and/or MC. 

Your marriage needs to change, and your husband needs to change for you to be happy. He has said he is willing to change.

This is maybe still fixable if you both still want it.


----------



## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

Hmmm.... My friend is in relationship with a man who also loves to dress up as women, sexy outfits with bras and panties. She loves the man because he is great and he convinces her that he is still 100% a man. the problem is she is not sexually interested to him when he dressed up. Do you think this will affect the relationship in general?


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Damn, I couldn't go out with a man who dressed as a woman. :slap: 

I think that would kill any desire for me..and the relationship.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Your marriage seems worthless. Divorce him and find yourself.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't see even a question there. If my wife came to me one day and told me the reason she's an evil psycho is because she's a man trapped in a woman's body, once I stopped laughing I would help her pack.


----------



## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

Yeah, I agree with the other posters here--there's really no relationship left for you. 

I also agree that your husband treated you in ways that really weren't fair to you. You might want to read _Why Does He Do That_, by Lundy Bancroft. Some of your husband's controlling behavior might make a little more sense to you after you read it.

You may feel crushed now, but one day you may thank him for ending your marriage. You're only 30. You have time to have kids with someone who treats you better and doesn't feel that he's really a woman trapped in a man's body.

Best of luck to you.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

This is a unique situation. What you've described is abuse. Isolation is a tell tale sign. Do not try to save this marriage.


----------



## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

Does your husband have any desire to stay married to you after his sex change? I feel that some of the other posters here are being a bit judgemental on your situation. You can't just say the marriage is worthless because you don't know the two people in the situation.

So, does he want to stay married? Do you want to be married to a transexual? 

Would it be possibly to transition your relationship from a marriage to a friendship? You know, although this isn't exactly the same, Fran Drescher was on Oprah recently and talked about how her husband discovered he was gay after several years of marriage. They got through it and are now really good friends. You should search for the clip on youtube and see if it helps you any. I thought it was a great story!

Good luck to you! It will all work out great in the end...one way or another!


----------



## MiracleMommy (Mar 4, 2011)

Thanks for all the replies. I'm actually only 25 at the moment. Doesn't make a difference though, marriage is marriage at any age

It doesn't bother me at all that he wantsa sex change. I'm bisxual and am used to the GBLT community. It doesn't make me uncomfortable or anything like that. I also don't see anything about it to laugh at. I think if it's who he is, he shouldn't let me or anyone else stand in his way because if he did, he wouldn't be happy. I don't want him to hate me for standing in his way.

I do love this man, very much. I also know that being with a woman is not what a want, even if it is the peson I married as a man. It's not the same. He does want to stay married to me, yes. And says he will stop the whole thing if I want to leave because of it. The thing he doesn't understand is that most of it is based on the actual marriage itself, not the sex change. I don't wnt to be married to a woman. That's it. The marriage, who he is as a man is someone I just don't like. His personality is much better as a woman, someone I'd like to be with, except that I'm not attracted to him as a her.

I think it would've been easier had he been gay, because obviously, he wouldn't want to be with me. This is hard, he's trying to work on his attitude as a man, which in my opinion seems impossible because he's always dressed as a woman. But it has been better since our last big arguement about a week ago. It's been pretty good, better than I can remember it being...even the week following our wedding.

On the other hand though, I don't want it to change back. A week is just that. I want to go to school, I would love to become a pediatrician, or a nurse, a web and graphics designer...something. Something tat will make myself and my children proud. I love being a stay at home mom, I really do. Not being forced to be a 24/7 stay at home mom though. This is still my life.

This has been very hard for me emotionally and mentally. And it may be easy for some of you to just walk away, I do understand that. It's definitely a deal breaker to a lot of people. Disgusting to some as well. But he's the person I faught so hard for. The person who tried to have a baby with me for 6 years. The person who went through miscarriages with me, loss after loss after loss. He's the one I wanted, and still want. I just want it to be different. I never imagined he'd be this way 12 years into our relationship. I thought he'd trust me and want me to better myself. He finally told me to go for coffee with a friend of mine after describing to him that if I died, I'd have my family there, and my one and only friend. I want to mean something to more than just one person. I want to have friends I can lean on, and who can lean on me. Friends has nothing to do with sex, and as tempting as having an affair does sound, I'm not that kind of person.

Like I said, it's good right now, and when it's good, it's very hard for me to try to throw in the towel. I have been thinking of at least a temporary seperation though. Something where we can be apart, but together, and both have some time to figure out what we want and what matters most to each of us as a person, rather than a couple.


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> And it may be easy for some of you to just walk away


 If you read the people's stories walking away, Its not easy at all. Its very difficult.



> I'm actually only 25 at the moment.
> The person who tried to have a baby with me for 6 years.
> I never imagined he'd be this way 12 years into our relationship.


 You guys have been together since 13 and tried to get pregnant with him at 19? Relationships that start when people are young can be very hard. people aren't done being emotional teenagers that make stupid decisions that young.

I'm hoping for the best for you guys fwiw.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

It just blows my mind what some people will put up with. Sex change operation and you still want to be married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

