# His reasons for marrying me seem OFF to me!



## marriageb4dusk (Jul 22, 2011)

Hi there, I am getting married in a week. Not related but gets to be is that my fiance and i have always talked a little about a 3some. Lately he has been chatting with a girl who says she might be down for it. Ive never spoke to her, just him.

Lately I know they have been chatting a lot and I found his google chats. Some flirting, nothing too ridiculous, but what struck me was the way he described his reasons for marrying me when she asked him why.


Girl: oh? why?

HIM: why do I like the idea of marrying her?
11:29 PM 

Girl: yeah

Him: I mean, she's pretty great.

Girl: That's all? 

Him: She's not at all jealous, not at all controlling, very low maintainance and interested in involving other girls. We've lived together for like 3 years now, and it's never been something that's been a burden at all. 




MY concerns: I am "low maintenance" i'm "not a burden" I'm "pretty great"

I know all of you are going to point out that he is chatting with another woman at midnight and this should be my concern, but he has told me he's doing it.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I suggest not getting married. Don't have kids. Stay single, have some fun. Try threesomes, etc.

Get married once you have either realized that you are both fine with an open marriage or you decide that you need to commit to each other. 

Don't get married until you have actually done a few of these things you are talking about. Most relationships can't handle it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Run


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

The question isn't "Why is he marrying me?". The real question is, why are you marrying him?


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

You might try just straight up asking him what the reasons are he wants to marry you. I believe "sometimes" folks put too much weight in what they see written in emails and text. Also as corny as it sounds you should both discuss what your expectations are for the marriage.


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## Vixen3927 (May 2, 2011)

*Just make sure he doesn't confuse low maintainance and not controlling with him taking advantage of that and walking all over you. Your passiveness may be a green light to him to push the limits and boundaries of your marriage which will be unhealthy and negative after a while if it hasn't already impacted the relationship. Make sure both of you are aware and agree with what will and will not be acceptable in your marriage. You may be playing with fire a little bit with the combination of your passiveness and acceptance of an open marriage.*


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## barbieDoll (Jul 7, 2011)

Wow, run is right. If it's an issue now, it sounds like it'll be an even bigger issue once married. Having a 3 some sounds like a bad idea too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

: If you knew he was talking to this girl and he had nothing to hide and she knows he is getting married why would he not say he loved you? He told her exactly how he felt in an unguarded moment. She knew the score., saying he loved you would not have scared her away. 

Translation of his answer: marrying her because she is available for sex without any work on my part, she shares my living expenses, she fun when I am in the mood, what man would turn down having a woman who will let him live out his dreams of sexual variety? Who knows what she will be up for in a year, maybe talk her into swinging, having sex with other men while I video and post on porn sites.

I am the happiest man in the alive, I never have to grow up and learn to respect women, I can treat them like they are useful for sex and domestic duties. I finally found the right woman, she makes no demands on me and I get a willing women to play out my fantasies!! 

I think you need to completely change the woman you are. A week away from marriage and you have no idea what he is up to. You opened the door for this. You allowed him to see you as agreeable to an open marriage, not needing much but giving too much.

He doesn't have to do anything for you because you don't demand it. Just know that this man is not marriage material - he'll marry you because there are considerable advantages. Without you he would have a difficult time finding two women for a 3somes. He got you in his side pocket and he will put you to work finding the other girl. 

Woman up and don't let yourself be used by this man. If you want to have a 3some get two people of your choosing and have one. But don't be used by this clown. I don't know why you want this man and if you say it's because you love him my answer is how can you love someone you don't know?

How do you love someone who does not shout to the world that he is love with the most wonderful women in the world. I think you have low self esteem and you are nice and agreeable to get love. 

This never ever works. A woman who is low maintenance, low self esteem and a people pleaser attract men who are users. Men who don't have much to give emotionally and are looking for a woman who is malleable enough to accept crumbs. 

Call off the wedding and move out take some time to work on yourself. Get strong then find a man who will respect love and cherish you. If you go through with this you will regret it more than losing the money you have spent and disappointing your family. You are worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> This never ever works. A woman who is low maintenance, low self esteem and a people pleaser attract men who are users. Men who don't have much to give emotionally and are looking for a woman who is malleable enough to accept crumbs.


Preach it! :iagree:


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Yes, what about him NOT saying he LOVES you as a reason to get married. That is usually the first thing that is said when asked "why are you marrying her?" "Because i love her!" Get out while you can!!!


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## Gracie08 (Jul 19, 2011)

Oh you dear girl....

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!?!?!?

Jellybeans pretty well sums it up 'run'.

This is going to turn into a COMPLETE nightmare for you. Get out while you can. It's A LOT easier to cancel a wedding than to get divorced when you have children, a life, a house, etc.

I made a terrible mistake that still haunts me when I married my ex - who became violent after we married. If I had listened to my instincts (which are not blinded by love), I would have never married him.

Your instincts are kicking in here. Listen to them. I am a big fan of following our instincts - we have them for a reason. 

Find yourself a man you don't have to share with another woman. No woman wants to share - you must be doing this to hold onto him. He's not worth it.

He'd be out the door so fast, his head would spin. And on a practical note, what about STD's???? You think she's not having 3somes with other people?? Gross.

Take your time. Learn to love yourself. You'll find a man who wants to tell the world how much he loves you, needs you, cherishes you.

Learn from our mistakes. Get out.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What she said :}
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriageb4dusk (Jul 22, 2011)

you are right, it didnt even OCCUR to me that he didnt say he loved me. like ever. not once to this girl has he said that. Also if its going to be a 3way someday i am not sure why i am not also speaking to her. I mean them talking doesnt bother me, its the way he described me, just the whole low maintenance crap. 
Ive given up a lot for this guy, moved to where his job is, live in middle of nowhere, working retail although i have my degree etc etc. and a week before the wedding he is chatting with some woman while i am asleep about how i am "not a burden" WTF

I cant conceivably call of the wedding but mahybe i can talk to him about this. 

is there no hope here or what should i do. I do in fact love him, i believe he loves me


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Seriously, isn't calling off the marriage now minor compared to a divorce 5 years from now?

C


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

>>I cant conceivably call of the wedding

It is so so so so so much easier for you and all concerned to call off the wedding than go through with it and wonder why you didn't listen to yourself years later.


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## Gracie08 (Jul 19, 2011)

Who are you worried about offending or inconveniencing over cancelling the wedding? Him? His family? I'd say a BIG WHO CARES to that!

Your family? If they knew what the was doing, they wouldn't want you involved in that.

Why can't you call off the wedding?

I really don't understand: how come it doesn't bother you that he's talking about having sex with another woman? I'm not being harsh, I just really don't understand.

Acorn is right. You'll be wondering why you married him in a few years and why you didn't listen to yourself.

This guys is bad news.


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## marriageb4dusk (Jul 22, 2011)

well i am not concerned about offending people, i do love him. I want to work on this. Im also not convinced he has done something so terrible. He hasnt come outright and said "im marrying her bc im using her" so idk im afraid i am reading INTO things too much and not giving him the benefit of the doubt. 

can someone eloquently tell me basically what his wording MEANS you know as far as how he sees me? If i can be sure, then i sure as hell will call it off, if it means what i think it means.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Saying you are low-maintenance, not a burden, and not controlling is somewhat complimentary... the opposite of course being high maintenance, controlling, and burdensome. That being said, my car is pretty low maintenance, not a burden, and non-controlling and I'm not married to it.

I'm usually pretty oblivious but it really sounds like the gal he's talking to is feeling out how strong his feelings are for you, and he's coming up way short.

Imagine 10 years from now, when you aren't new and shiny, and his young secretary is... now you know what he'll say when she makes her move. And that's not gonna stop her.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

What does this mean? Well first off, he lists *qualities*, not *feelings* for you. If I were getting married in a week, I'd want my fiance to say he wanted to marry be because he loved me, I was amazing, we have so much fun together... What he describes is more like he almost owes you a ring at this point.



> She's not at all jealous, not at all controlling, very low maintainance and interested in involving other girls. We've lived together for like 3 years now, and it's never been something that's been a burden at all.


Plus, what would really concern me, is the part about living together never having been a burden. To what? His freedom? His finances? His comic collection.....what? 

Everything he's telling this girl is downplaying you and making it sound like it's no problem for the two of them to hook up....oh....and you too. It sounds like, "Oh sure, she never minds if I see other people and I have lots of time to do it because I never have to take her to dinner or go buy flowers or any of that other romance crap with her."

I would take some time now to think about how your relationship has been. DO you go on dates? DOES he say he loves you? Does he do anything to make you feel loved/special/cherished? Or is it you that's making him dinners and making plans here and there that he'll like, etc? What about his time? Are there unexplained gaps where perhaps you might have wanted to be a little more curious?

I'm generally opposed to the way that assumptions jump right to infidelity on this forum. I get it, given the experiences of many posters, but I think people go there too quickly sometimes. However, that whole statement doesn't AT ALL sound like friendly chatting, or grooming a threesome....that sounds like laying the groundwork for his own adventures.

And besides....if you're going to get married in the first place, don't you want to be more than "not a burden" to someone? That's really a horrible thing to say!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> What does this mean? Well first off, he lists *qualities*, not *feelings* for you. If I were getting married in a week, I'd want my fiance to say he wanted to marry be because he loved me, I was amazing, we have so much fun together... What he describes is more like he almost owes you a ring at this point.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Freaking word, CoGypsy! He is grooming this other chick and minimizing his relationship with his soon to be WIFE to keep the door open for this other woman. 
OP, run baby run.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

To me, the thread title says it all. It answers her own questions. You can rationalize it all away to justify why the wedding must go on but ...deep down you fear the truth. So much that you're willing to turn a blind eye and accept this. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> To me, the thread title says it all. It answers her own questions. You can rationalize it all away to justify why the wedding must go on but ...deep down you fear the truth. So much that you're willing to turn a blind eye and accept this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sadly, yes. To quote my husband's bf when I asked him if he loved his fiance he said "What's not to love.....she's a lawyer, likes football and she owns her own house". I'm sure it will not come as a shock that they are in the middle of a nasty divorce. A scared 8 year old girl is the fall out. 
OP, if he isn't saying I love you or showing how much he loves you NOW, do you think this is going to happen 5 or 10 years down the road? Not a chance.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think This is so sad- it is interesting you say you love him but nothing about him loving you. Still giving with no expectation of receiving. I don't think that anyone can say the majic words to make you call this off. The mere fact that you gave up so much to be with him and your reluctance to face the reality of the situation probably indicates that you really have not intention of calling it off. 

You seem desperate to ignore your instincts and to act in your own interest. Your love is not enough because he does not live you in the same way if at all. If you try and leave he will say anything to get you to stay. I don't think it is because he loves you but you offer him a freedom and convenience that he is unlikely to find with another girl. Action speak not words. 

You love him and want to work it out. This guy has you in a spot where he is certain you will not leave. You gave up too much and invested far more than he. You probably know that you have made too easy for him and he is unlikely to inconvenience himself by changing his plans for you. He is marrying you because you are so easy. Why do you think he will allow you to cramp his style now? 

You don't appear to have enough self respect and self love to get out of a relationship that was flawed when it started. What type of woman would be tolerant of a man she is about to pledge her life to chatting with another women, know tyat he is not involving you and is probably planning on hooking up, talks about the women he will marry to a potential hook up who means nothing to him, tell the OW how useful you are to him. Moreover not to be very upset about it. What must you think of yourself. 

He no doubt brought the 3some and you are doing it to please him, are you bi, if not why have contact with a woman to put on a porn show for a man to whom you have already gave too much? You have invested a lot in this relationship too much in fact I think. is that why you will not face the facts? 

You can do it now and avoid years of pain or marry him and get beaten down until he finds you too much trouble and finds a freash women to use. Don't do this to yourself for once put you first and give this user a lessen he will not forget.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

What do you really love about this man? A man who wants a relationship with someone he can care so little about. A man who does not profess to love you!

I do think either you are in for a life of misery or you will divorce.

You have no self esteem and no boundaries. He is obviously the type of guy who would take advantage of that.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

marriageb4dusk said:


> MY concerns: I am "low maintenance" i'm "not a burden" I'm "pretty great"
> .



These words mean. 

I don't have to spend alot of money on her. I don't have to worry about her spending money, because she's fairly cheap. She requires very little from me, expects nothing. She's cool letting me do what I want, when I want and not b!tchn me out.

Want a red flag, a sign: ^^^here it is^^^


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

My translation:
She's not at all jealous: she lets me talk to and flirt with other girls on the internet at midnight while she's in bed sleeping and thinks nothing of it.
not at all controlling: see above. She doesn't b*tch about the above.
very low maintainance: she doesn't cost me a lot of money, and/or she has has low expectations of me and our relationship; she lets me do what I want and doesn't b*tch..
interested in involving other girls: She's gonna let me f*** other girls after we're married. 
We've lived together for like 3 years now, and it's never been something that's been a burden at all: I haven't had to make any concessions or change my way of life at all for her. She the one who does that for me.

I highly doubt you're going to change your wedding plans based on a bunch of strangers' advice on the internet, so all I will do is wish you luck. I hope that you truly will be happy with the little that he gives you for the rest of your life, and never feel that you wish you had more from your husband than what you settled for. If it were me, never mind what he said, the fact that he was talking to another girl with flirtatious/sexual intentions would be a deal-breaker. This is supposed to be the best part of the relationship and if you already know that he's planning on getting it elsewhere, I don't hold much hope for the future when you've got a couple screaming babies and the house is a mess and money's tight and things actually get hard in the marriage.


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## marriageb4dusk (Jul 22, 2011)

Yes true, I know. He was talking to this girl last night until 4 am actually. She speaks to him in a manner that suggests she isnt too interested in me but in getting him to herself and having to "deal" with me if he demands it. He hasnt said anything to HER about how he doesnt want me in it or anything.

He never mentions us to her or how he loves me or how excited he is for the future or anything.

Actually to be quite honest, I came on her before with a different SN about OTHER issues about him, him being a sports aholic, him doing drugs, my family and friends abandoning us bc they are worried about me. I just wanted an unbiased opinion about the current situation regardless of the other factors.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You would be making a very serious mistake with your life if you marry him. The behavior of trying to pick up another woman is not remotely acceptable in a marriage. This would presumably be the father of your children. Think of the actual words of your wedding vows and match them against this behavior. Please, for yourself call it off.


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

Well the only positive I can see here is that at least he's pretty out in the open about what he plans on putting into the relationship. I suppose it's a blessing that at least you know what you're getting into since he's not exactly hiding his true self from you in order to win you over. He's laid it all out on the table so if all of this works fine for you, and if his life expectations match yours, then you've got a match made in heaven. That's not what I'm hearing from you though. Seriously, seriously reconsider this. If this man doesn't meet the vast majority of items on your 'wish list' in a husband, why are you settling? It's bad already; things aren't going to get better and you're setting yourself up for a life of misery. Why would you do that to yourself? You do have a choice here in what you want from life. Be empowered and do some soul-searching. Is this really the life you want?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

marriageb4dusk said:


> Yes true, I know. He was talking to this girl last night until 4 am actually. She speaks to him in a manner that suggests she isnt too interested in me but in getting him to herself and having to "deal" with me if he demands it. He hasnt said anything to HER about how he doesnt want me in it or anything.
> 
> He never mentions us to her or how he loves me or how excited he is for the future or anything.
> 
> Actually to be quite honest, I came on her before with a different SN about OTHER issues about him, him being a sports aholic, him doing drugs, *my family and friends abandoning us bc they are worried about me*. I just wanted an unbiased opinion about the current situation regardless of the other factors.



Listen to your friends and family. They have your best interests at heart. Have you ever heard the phrase "Marry in haste, repent at leisure"?

You DESERVE a man who will love you with his whole heart - someone who will not want to share you - someone who will not want to share himself with anyone but you. When it comes to marriage and including others in it, it is a time to be SELFISH. You deserve someone who would go to the rooftops and shout "I LOVE her and am the luckiest guy in the world! I want NO OTHER!" not someone who is already setting up a tryst with another. Woman up. Stand up for yourself. You deserve better and you know it. And you can do it - starts now - one step at a time.

God speed.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

So is this the girl that just magically found him on Twitter and started talking to him months ago? Or is this a new one?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you marry this guy, you are in for one helluva ride. It's obvious he doesn't have your best interests at all. He is talking to other women til 4 a.m. w/o your knowledge and/or talking to her and not inviting you in the conversation.

This is not love.

You said your friends and family are worried about you and rightly so. Care to elaborate on what they've told you?


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