# Should I be concerned



## Concerned in Ohio (Nov 27, 2015)

This is my first post after being a longtime reader of the forum. Just to give you some background, I am 44 year old M and W is 41. we have been married for 10 years. we have 3 children 8, 6 & 2 and our marriage had really taken a turn for the worse once we started having the kids. With us having full time job and raising the kids our relationship had taken a backseat to everything. No affection, very little intimacy (unless she was ovulating). And I was the one making all the effort to try to keep us close in all ways, and more often than not I was rejected when I attempted to initiate any type of physical affection. Eventually I withdrew and started drinking more and gained a lot of weight as a method of dealing with the loneliness. 

Eventually I saw a therapist, he helped me get on the right track with the weight and drinking. In 6 months I have lost 50 lbs and I am no longer drinking at all. Things in the marriage do also seem much improved overall. 

My issue is that during the therapy session the therapist brought up the possibility of infidelity as to why she was so distant from me. And even though a prior marriage had ending with my x-wife having an affair, I never considered this a possibility with the current wife. Initially, I dismissed the idea. However, she does have a close friend which has my mind spinning. Early in our relationship she advised me she had feelings for him a long time ago. They had "made out" once. But nothing sexual happened. In addition, they traveled Europe together for a month platonicly while sharing a hotel room. After telling my therapist this, he said that he doubted she was being honest with me regarding the platonic aspect of their relationship back then, and looking at it now i have to agree with him. 

A few moths ago I confronted her regarding this and she swore that it was strictly platonic, and that he had a girlfriend at the time. Since we have been married, this guy has taken my wife home from parties, and they have gone to concerts together (not just them a group of friends) while i watched the kids. The next after this discussion she took the kids over to his house while I was out of town. This upset me tremendously, she knew I was having some issues sorting through their relationship in my head, and had to know it would bother me. She did not hide the fact, but she told me AFTER she came home about it. While i certainly do not think anything happened w/ the kids there it still really bothers me. My questions are:

Some of the other concerns are that they seem very comfortable being physically close to each other. Not in an overt way, but he is often right in her personal space when we are all together. 

In pictures taken of them long ago, her hand is often resting on his their upper thigh while sitting on a couch. I personally would never put my hand on someones thigh if we were only friends.

A member of her family once came up to me and advised me that it was cool that I did not have a problem with him being around. 

The comment regarding him having a girlfriend seems weak to me. What girlfriend would let their man travel Europe with another girl? This almost seems like an excuse she may have used with her parents who are very conservative and is now rehashing with me.

She keeps her phone and e-mail accounts open to me. They do occasionally message each other and non of the messages i see are inappropriate. They may talk via phone once per month for 10 minutes or so.

I do recognize that by no longer using alcohol I am much more emotional. I also recognize my experience with the first wife may be leaving me more insecure regarding this. 

Just how concerned should I be with this friend?


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)




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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)




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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Ummm... YES!!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Are you serious? 

Affairs can develope from friendships. It happens all the time. http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE...43225502/RK=0/RS=qa3hFjZXwRCZnm3yo5Dc1fCT5bE-

You should probably observe. A good marriage has boundaries. No alone time with opposite sex friends.

not a great idea
[Since we have been married, this guy has taken my wife home from parties, and they have gone to concerts together (not just them a group of friends) while i watched the kids.]

I'd be concerned here
[Some of the other concerns are that they seem very comfortable being physically close to each other. Not in an overt way, but he is often right in her personal space when we are all together.]


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I do believe that you have something to be concerned about, I feel that opposite sex friends (OSF) have no place in a marriage. Having said that, please read this article, it's the best explanation of why committed couples shouldn't have OSF.

https://danielmiessler.com/blog/on-spending-time-with-the-opposite-sex/

Try a conversation with her and very politely but firmly (not insistent) that you are uncomfortable with this this relationship. Uncomfortable enough that you would like to see it end and gage the reaction. If you get a quick no or an insistent no way, you are going to have to think about what you can or can not live with long term ... and I think you will forever have to be checking.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/51949-wife-best-friend-having-least-ea.html

Perhaps you should observe 

Http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...vidence-post.html?highlight=Standard+evidence

Mouth shut eyes open


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Confrontation without evidence is a waste of your time. It maybe something maybe nothing.

Is the friend married? How's your intimacy with your wife?

You should definitely download deleted texts off her phone ( if you have access) and take a real good look at the phone bill ( easily done just go online all the data history will be there) Just to see how many calls/ messages are between them.

The one thing if there is any cheating they will lie a lot. 

Hope it's nothing

Good luck


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Why is your W going to parties without you? Why is your W going to concerts with another man without you? The answer is simple: You are ALLOWING this to happen. You are ALLOWING her to disrespect you and your marriage. Maybe your W only sees you as two things: sperm donor and free babysitter while she goes out and has fun. Was that the way it was with your 1st wife?

You need to man up and fight for your woman. No, I don't mean go and beat the crap out of her "friend", I mean let her know in no uncertain terms that you don't like her going out without you and with him. I know, you don't want to be thought of as a "CAN" (Controlling, Abusive Neanderthal), but to hell with what Hillary, Oprah and the airheads on "The View" fill peoples heads with. This is YOUR MARRIAGE, not a convenient (for her) childcare arrangement.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

At the very least she is using another man as an emotional outlet, which means time and things she should be sharing with you she is sharing with him, thus cheating you out of that emotional intimacy.

Worst case scenario is she is having an affair and you are letting her.

I'm not opposed to OSF but only with serious boundaries and full transparency. Going out together, going away together, play dates together, those things would be way over the line. 

Your wife may tell you he has a girlfriend or they are going out with other friends but do you truly believe that? 

Here's the big problem. This guy has been a part of your wife's life before you came into the picture, she looks for reasons to spend time with him and at times has pushed you away. There is a good chance when you draw a line in the sand she is going to step over to his side, if she does so be it, just be prepared.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

When are men going to realise? READ THIS, OP:

When women say platonic, they're lying. Just friends means fvcked. Just old friends means been fvcking on and off for ages. Dated means fvcked. A month in Europe? Come on, man. Not that that matters until SHE LIES TO YOU ABOUT IT. Do you really think the emails and texts she lets you see give you the whole picture? Snoop, VAR and keylog for everything you need.

And in the meantime, go game some other girls and see how she likes it. Being a modern, sensitive, understanding man (chump) is NOT serving you well. It's serves no men well. It's just enabling some dude to game your wife right under your nose. She will detest you for it and give her all the justification she needs to take the next step with him if she already hasn't.

You are NOT insecure for seeing the truth and getting a grip of this sh!t. Become SECURE enough to embrace the truth, deal with it like a man and WALK if you have to.

This is just disgusting behaviour from her and the same goes for men doing it.


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