# To understand why someone avoids you



## Isaiah990 (Feb 1, 2021)

To understand why your partner is avoiding you, think about what happened in their childhood and the last conversations you had. That should tell you everything. Long ago, I tried to court 1 girl. She told me about her traumatic childhood and how her family issues still hurt her. In our last conversation, I poured my emotions out on the topic of family. We flirted and the next day, she told me to find other girls before avoiding me. One day we flirt and the next day she's telling me to find other women? It doesn't make sense! When attraction gets too strong, some people avoid you because they're hurt of being abandoned like they were in their childhoods.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

there can be more to it than that , what age are you and what age is she sounds like she is still young and not ready for any type relationship yet is all


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Isaiah990 said:


> To understand why your partner is avoiding you, think about what happened in their childhood and the last conversations you had. That should tell you everything. Long ago, I tried to court 1 girl. She told me about her traumatic childhood and how her family issues still hurt her. In our last conversation, I poured my emotions out on the topic of family. We flirted and the next day, she told me to find other girls before avoiding me. One day we flirt and the next day she's telling me to find other women? It doesn't make sense! When attraction gets too strong, some people avoid you because they're hurt of being abandoned like they were in their childhoods.


Look up co-dependent relationships.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Isaiah990 said:


> To understand why your partner is avoiding you, think about what happened in their childhood and the last conversations you had. That should tell you everything. Long ago, I tried to court 1 girl. She told me about her traumatic childhood and how her family issues still hurt her. In our last conversation, I poured my emotions out on the topic of family. We flirted and the next day, she told me to find other girls before avoiding me. One day we flirt and the next day she's telling me to find other women? It doesn't make sense! When attraction gets too strong, some people avoid you because they're hurt of being abandoned like they were in their childhoods.


If that is a picture of you. You should change it. We try very hard to be anonymous here.


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## Isaiah990 (Feb 1, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> there can be more to it than that , what age are you and what age is she sounds like she is still young and not ready for any type relationship yet is all


I was around 25 while she was 20. I'm sure there was more to it, but childhood trauma was the biggest reason. She told me her family treated her sibling much better than her ever since she was a child. She felt unloved, unworthy, and seemed to have low self esteem.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You’re reading too much into it, maybe she just didn’t see a future and you want the reason to be her childhood, instead of her just not being into you. You’re young and will meet many more that won’t turn you down after a date, that is certain!


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## Isaiah990 (Feb 1, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> You’re reading too much into it, maybe she just didn’t see a future and you want the reason to be her childhood, instead of her just not being into you. You’re young and will meet many more that won’t turn you down after a date, that is certain!


But why wouldn't she see a future with me? It doesn't make sense. Attraction is very complicated. It's not just a matter of interest vs. disinterest. Scientists found the biggest influence in attraction are your parents. 

Scientists researched something called attachment theory and found how parents treat their children will determine what kind of relationships they'll have. If their parents were dysfunctional, children will tend to pick partners who are also dysfunctional subconsciously. You can read more here. 





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Attachment Theory: Bowlby and Ainsworth's Theory Explained







www.simplypsychology.org


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Isaiah990 said:


> She told me her family treated her sibling much better than her ever since she was a child. She felt unloved, unworthy, and seemed to have low self esteem.


Why do you want to be involved with someone like this?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I had a very traumatic childhood. Before I was married, I dated people based on whether I liked them or not, or they liked me. Never because I had a traumatic childhood.

Why do you want someone who isn’t attracted to you? There’s someone for everyone, date the girl that’s swimming over you, you’ll meet one.


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## Isaiah990 (Feb 1, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I had a very traumatic childhood. Before I was married, I dated people based on whether I liked them or not, or they liked me. Never because I had a traumatic childhood.
> 
> Why do you want someone who isn’t attracted to you? There’s someone for everyone, date the girl that’s swimming over you, you’ll meet one.


You might not have consciously dated them because you had a traumatic childhood, but you were probably attracted to them because they reminded you of your parents without realizing it. Attraction can be a projection of unmet needs. These unmet needs could be physical, emotional, mental, and other things. In other words, you can create fantasies about what you want your crush to do for you rather than face reality.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Sometimes one phrase can trigger a lot. Plus, I think men get away with more than women do, so it's hard for you guys to empathize. In the early days, my husband and I had some very serious arguments due to his cavalier attitude. Women can get buttonholed into being responsible for stuff where men don't.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m not really sure, I didn’t let my past dictate much of my life and accept that bad things and good things happen. I didn’t really stay stuck there.

But I will say, that I would have run fast from anyone having a large and vested interest in being close to me because of my past. That would raise some red flags. To me, I would be concerned that I would be entering into a future traumatic situation. Maybe she feels that way about you. 

Why do you want her so much and why the fixation on her traumatic childhood?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sigh ... AGAIN ... ARE YOU INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE LIKE THIS????


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## Isaiah990 (Feb 1, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I’m not really sure, I didn’t let my past dictate much of my life and accept that bad things and good things happen. I didn’t really stay stuck there.
> 
> But I will say, that I would have run fast from anyone having a large and vested interest in being close to me because of my past. That would raise some red flags. To me, I would be concerned that I would be entering into a future traumatic situation. Maybe she feels that way about you.
> 
> Why do you want her so much and why the fixation on her traumatic childhood?


Why did you like your past partners vs other people? How did they make you feel? How did your parents make you feel? 

What makes you think I want her so much and I'm fixated on her childhood?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Yo, dude .. do you respond to questions or are you so fixated on this woman that you can't think straight?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Isaiah990 said:


> Why did you like your past partners vs other people? How did they make you feel? How did your parents make you feel?
> 
> What makes you think I want her so much and I'm fixated on her childhood?


Because you’re now fixating on mine? It’s a worry! I’ll decline answering all those questions.


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## Isaiah990 (Feb 1, 2021)

NTA said:


> Sometimes one phrase can trigger a lot. Plus, I think men get away with more than women do, so it's hard for you guys to empathize. In the early days, my husband and I had some very serious arguments due to his cavalier attitude. Women can get buttonholed into being responsible for stuff where men don't.


What do you mean?


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## Isaiah990 (Feb 1, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Because you’re now fixating on mine? It’s a worry! I’ll decline answering all those questions.


I think you're in denial about how your parents affected your relationships. I feel like you're scared if you accept the truth your parents influence your relationships consciously or not, you would feel powerless. I can tell from the way you say I'm "reading too much into it."


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay @Isaiiah990 - Just so you'll know, I've reported your thread to the mods. You are fixated on this subject. And you are repeating yourself. I dunno ... maybe you believe you are an expert on parental control over the outcome of their progeny.

Regardless ... You are repeating yourself and not responding to direct questions. That means you could possibly be the t-word which we cannot say here on this forum.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Isaiah, women will sometimes flirt with you if they're grateful for something you did for them. Allowing her to vent to you about her childhood and family issues is one of those situations. 

You've come up with this whole scenario in your head about her parental dynamic but in reality she wasn't attracted to you at all, let alone strongly. Just saying thank you for listening.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Isaiah990 said:


> I think you're in denial about how your parents affected your relationships. I feel like you're scared if you accept the truth your parents influence your relationships consciously or not, you would feel powerless. I can tell from the way you say I'm "reading too much into it."


Everybody’s parents affect everybody’s relationships. 🤗


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Why do you want to be involved with someone like this?


What’s abundantly clear is that she doesn’t want a person like him. And it’s abundantly clear why.


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## Isaiah990 (Feb 1, 2021)

gaius said:


> Isaiah, women will sometimes flirt with you if they're grateful for something you did for them. Allowing her to vent to you about her childhood and family issues is one of those situations.
> 
> You've come up with this whole scenario in your head about her parental dynamic but in reality she wasn't attracted to you at all, let alone strongly. Just saying thank you for listening.


Scientists found the biggest influence in attraction are your parents.

Scientists researched something called attachment theory and found how parents treat their children will determine what kind of relationships they'll have. If their parents were dysfunctional, children will tend to pick partners who are also dysfunctional subconsciously. You can read more here.





__





Attachment Theory: Bowlby and Ainsworth's Theory Explained







www.simplypsychology.org


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Isaiah990 said:


> But why wouldn't she see a future with me? It doesn't make sense.


You've pointed out she has relationship issues probably due to childhood trauma. This is a more-than-adequate explanation for why she'd do stuff that doesn't make sense. She can choose to try to work on the issues, but you can't do it for her or make her do it.


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## tenjohn (Jun 13, 2021)

Isaiah990 said:


> To understand why your partner is avoiding you, think about what happened in their childhood and the last conversations you had. That should tell you everything. Long ago, I tried to court 1 girl. She told me about her traumatic childhood and how her family issues still hurt her. In our last conversation, I poured my emotions out on the topic of family. We flirted and the next day, she told me to find other girls before avoiding me. One day we flirt and the next day she's telling me to find other women? It doesn't make sense! When attraction gets too strong, some people avoid you because they're hurt of being abandoned like they were in their childhoods.


Maybe she wasn't fully engaged. People sometimes flirt for kicks, or if they still have it. That's not a slight on you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think you misinterpreted her being nice and tolerant as flirting. She wasn't attracted at all to you and also felt you were too much and so she avoided you.


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## GrettaT (Jun 22, 2021)

I believe you may be right. How to get them to open up though?
My husband keeps questioning my ability to "understand" when he speaks. 80% of the time he is talking about food, neighbors and more food. Nothing too heavy. These do not interest me but I engage because he wants to talk. He does not share anything important. Mainly refuses to talk about his past or the future. I have a good job. I depend on him for nothing really, just love and companionship. I also serve the community. He is not interested in it. That is not a problem. I just don't like the constant disrespect. What can I do? I don't believe in remarriage so if I get divorced - I will be making a decision to have no relationship again (unless he dies before me then I will be free).


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