# HE cheated and now doesn't trust ME???



## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

Is this a common problem? Having this be my first (and hopefully last) time dealing with an unfaithful spouse, I'm not sure if this is common or a sign that he's still messing around. I've heard that when a spouse suspects you of infidelity, that can be because they are doing it.

It's been about 2 months now since the confrontation with my husband and since then he has consistently shown me that he doesn't trust me and seems to be looking for signs that I'm cheating on him. He reads my text messages on my phone when I'm not around, he checks my emails, checks the history on the computer to see what I'm looking at and who I'm chatting with all the time, has tried to hack into one of my accounts looking for who knows what and has flat out accused me of sleeping with my coworkers. 

I am FURIOUS about this. I have NEVER done anything that even comes close to cheating and HE DID! Yet, now I'm the suspect?!? 

Anyone with any experience with similar?


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Sure he's going to be suspicious of you...he wants to make sure you aren't going to go cheat on him out of revenge. Or he's hoping you will so it will justify his cheating.

When you are a cheater you tend to get paranoid...and it sure sounds like he has a whole lot of that going on.

If you marriage survives this, it will NEVER be the same. It might look the same, might seem the same...but it will never feel the same.

Where you go and what you do is kind of in your court right now...good luck to you.

Preacher


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

Kind of ironic don't you think!! My husband and I went through this when I first found everything out. It drove me crazy - I finally confronted him about it. He was looking for something that would basically take the heat off of him, if I did it then it would justify his cheating, if he could just find something, and I think it drove him crazy that he couldn't. He was also afraid that I would try to seek some sort of "revenge" (that revenge, having the shoe on the other foot for a change, having him wonder constantly what I was doing, was the sweetest "revenge" there is). I really have nothing to hide - you want to look - fine look - you won't find anything - everything is an open book - however he had to be the same way on everything. He could have free access to everything and so do I. I think there are days he gets irritated with that - but he did this - he has to live with the consequences. 

Your right - I think they do transfer that guilt to cover their own tracks - that is a huge red flag in my book - if he suspects and I have given no reason whatsoever - it is coming from somewhere else - I would be checking it out!


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

--"You don't look behind the door unless you have been there."


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

It seems to me that the best way to head it off is to just give him the password to everything and tell him to knock himself out. If you don't make a big deal out of it (because you are innocent) he can't hide behind this new bit of drama. This is deflection at the very least.

That said, he must do the same for you. Any deception on his part will not be tolerated so no secret accounts or deleting messages, etc.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The behavior is very common. It's all about deflection. One of two things generally occurs; they suspect you, or they will alienate you to justify their behavior.

Either tactic has one purpose, so they can reconcile their behavior. It's about them, not you.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Yeah- he's trying to feel less guilty about what he did... hoping he can find something to get mad at you about- very selfish- it isn't about you- it's about him not being honest and taking responsibility for what he did.
I had a boyfriend once that told me that if someone is cheating they always accuse you of cheating... sure enough 6 months later he started accusing me of cheating- I was 18 so I thought- Gee...he must really like me because he's so worried about me being with someone else- well turns out he was cheating...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

It isn't a hard-fast rule, btw. If your partner has a past that involves cheating, it would be easy to be paranoid and accusatory without cheating yourself. 

In this case : deflection. Nothing more.


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