# Reasons to not marry me



## shellbell (Feb 1, 2010)

I am looking for advice and appreciate any kind of opinions and/or feedback you can give me. Here is my problem:
I've been seeing the same guy for almost 9 years. We own a house together, a dog, so we're as close to marriage as you can get without walking down the aisle.
Over the past few years I've asked what the hold up is. He says that there are things about me that bother him. For example, he's said that I am not as active as he'd like me to be, I wasn't on-board with an investment decision he wanted to make (wanted to buy additional property - I want a commitment first), etc. That was probably 3 years ago. So I continued to wait patiently. I admit I went through a little mean streak for a few months after that. Not mean, just not happy. He later confessed that he was planning on asking me to marry him that year (about 2 years ago) but decided not to because I didn't seem happy. Ugh. I decided I wasn't doing anybody any favors by being down in the dumps.
In our early discussions of marriage and goals and all that I told him I wanted to start having children by the time I was 30. He agreed. I turned 30 in 2009. Still no marriage plans.
I am not an advocate of ultimatums so instead of doing so I decided to make myself a deadline. If he hadn't asked me to marry him by the end of the 2009, I was going to move on.
A couple more things happened towards the end of 2009. I got laid off in October for one. The other was another marriage discussion initiated by him. He said that he feels like he is ready to get married and start having kids. But...
His reasons for not asking me to marry him this time around were: 
Activity level
My weight (I have 30 pounds that I've been trying to lose)
My sexual attraction to him

So before you give me your thoughts, here is a little about me. I really struggle with my weight. I've been doing everything I can for the last 3 years. I was in an infomercial where I was working out 6 times a week, an hour at a time and they provided the food. Over the 2 month span of time I lost 9 pounds. I didn't cheat on the diet at all. Once that was over I decided to start going to a personal training gym 3 times a week. I've been doing that ever since. I also still watch my diet. Most recently I've been consistently coming within 1600 calories a day. I'm a little looser on the weekends. Anyhow, in addition to this I walk the dog at least 3 times a week and will get on our elliptical about once or twice a week. For these reasons I do not consider myself to have a low activity level. Also, I feel like I am putting in a lot of effort by committing to exercise and watching the calories and that my weight shouldn't be held against me. The sexual attraction is something I believe goes hand in hand. I don't feel good naked. Especially now that I've been told it's a problem.

So I feel broken. His telling me that my weight is a reason that he hasn't decided to pop the question is absolutely heartbreaking to me. I believe that love is unconditional.

Again, thanks in advance for your help.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

It's so easy to give advice to somebody else, but I think if I were you I would end the relationship and move on. I know it's hard, believe me-my H and I just separated after 33 years of marriage. It seems as though he is using your weight issue to avoid getting married. And I'm with you-I thought love was unconditional.
You seem like a very warm, genuine young lady. And you deserve to be in a loving, caring relationship with someone that would appreciate you for everything you have to offer.


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, so here's my thought on the whole thing, and I can be completely wrong but this is just from experience. My mom is in the same boat as you. She has been with her boyfriend for close to 10 years now. They live together, have a son, and still no marriage. With him its always one thing or another. 

From the sounds of it, I dont think he was truely going to pop the question a couple years ago, it sounds more like he said taht and then blamed you for him not doing so to take the pressure off him. I don't believe in ultimatums either, but I also don't believe in settling for what you have if you're unhappy. 

It seems like he figures he already has you, lives with you, has a dog with you, so why marry you? You have given yourself entirely to him so for him, its easier to just stay the same.

Just because you decide you deserve better doesnt mean that you are giving an ultimatum. I would tell him flat out that you love him very much and want to have a commited relationship and take your relationship to the next level. Explain that it would be a difficult thing to leave him, but if he doesnt value your commitment, and thinks that weight is a reason the wait on marriage, the you need to be happy and find someone who does want the same things in life as you.

Once again, I dont know you, you dont know me and this is just my opinion, but I think that if he REALLY believes that he could lose you, he will open up to you and you can go from there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Funny how every reason to not propose is something YOU do wrong, eh?


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## shellbell (Feb 1, 2010)

Thank you for all of your thoughts. Does anyone think it is worth it to try a couples counselor?


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

Definitely, counseling can be a great help.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Can you elaborate on one thing for me honey? Does he see your weight as a problem because he knows it affects your attraction to him or because he thinks you are just overweight??

Counseling is always worth a shot, but you have to realize you may not get out of it what you want.


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## shellbell (Feb 1, 2010)

DawnD,

I think it might be both. One time he told me that I just need to workout with him and he guarantees I would lose the weight. The problem is that he's a runner and while I do run the treadmill and occasionally around the neighborhood, I am not a runner. When I said I wouldn't be able to do all that running he said, "Okay, well you cannot gain any more weight." So in one sense I think it is a visual thing for him but I also think he realizes that it affects my confidence and sexual attraction to him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What does HE do that you don't like? Every time he brings up your weight, reply with 'ok, I'll lose the 30 pounds as soon as you stop riding that motorcycle' or whatever.

What right does he have to tell you you have to lose weight?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Now see, I work out with my H, but I don't run either. I will do the elliptical for 35 minutes and get my HR up in the 180's for that time, I do light weights just to tone ( I don't wanna look like Hulk Hogan after all lol) and it keeps me at a steady weight. If I want to losy any pounds, I would have to run. But I start out slow too. 35 on elliptical, walk for 20 on a treadmill and for the last 5 minutes run. Enough workout talk though, sorry LOL.

I am gonna put my money on if you went and picked out a sexy new nightie that his visual would be GREAT. Get that confidence back and show him you want him! But that won't solve his issue with committment. Say you do all that, its a very real possibility that he will still find a reason to not marry. Have you asked him if he honestly doesn't want to marry??


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## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

this sounds like it is bordering on emotional abuse to me.
Different people have different genetic makeups and are different sizes.... Seems like you have given weight loss a big priority.

I think this will be an ongoing issue. 
I'd think long and hard about this one... I think you deserve better.
9 years is a long time...

wishing you the very best.


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## J34 (Jan 10, 2010)

If youre only consuming about 1600 calories a day and you work out a little, you sound like your not in too bad of shape and are quite healthy.We all have different body frames and some people aren't meant to be stick thin, no matter what they do. And you'd think after nine years he'd realize that and just start appreciating your effort and for who you are and loving your body. And i agree with TEMPTIME, you may want to think about this before you commit the rest of your life with someone who comes off a little shallow. remember marraige is for better or for worse- you guys more than definitely will come across issues more important than weight in your lifetimes so if thats hard for him to handle, do you really think he'll be able to stick with you through the rest?


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

You've been working out and haven't lost weight. Well, couldn't it be that is because you are building muscle and that's heavier than fat? DUH! I don't think what kind of shape you're in should be based on a bathroom scale. 

Sweetheart, after this much time, I think he is looking for excuses to not pop the question. To tell you that he was going to ask you and then didn't is just plain cruel.

How would he feel if you told him that you wouldn't marry him unless his penis grew a couple inches, or his IQ went up 40 points?


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## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

scarletblue said:


> How would he feel if you told him that you wouldn't marry him unless his penis grew a couple inches, or his IQ went up 40 points?


:smthumbup: :lol:LOVE IT!!! Thank you scarletblue for injecting some humor... 
I hope shellbell sees through the humor to the seriousness in this issue.
Proceed with your eyes wide open my dear... he sounds awfully slefish to me!!!


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## Enough!!! (Feb 1, 2010)

The fact your "man" has said to you that your weight has contributed to his decision not to marry you is an absolute joke.
C'Mon, you have to know your better than that. Is your "man" perfect.... I think not.
I bet your a truly beautiful person, with a heart of gold, and a killer smile! He should love you for who you are. If you marry someone that has a "trophy wife" in mind, you will be forever wondering if your actually good enough. That is no way to live.
He is using his own UNREALISTIC FANTASIES to control you and your future, that is not fair!

If you decide to continue with your exercise regime, then you do it for yourself. Don't let your Boyfriend or any other man for that matter tell you you aren't good enough just as you are.
He is simple minded... You deserve better!


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## AMOR (Feb 7, 2010)

To be honest... I don't think he wants to marry you, so I would leave the relationship. Every excuse thats been given is kinda dumb and things that can be worked on AFTER marriage.......


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well at this point you've basically waited far to late. The most recent study I read of suggests that a woman only has 12% of her lifetime supply of eggs at age 30, so you're pretty much at the wall now.

Up until now you have been basically betting that he would swing around his opinion and marry you, but there's been no actual leverage you've used to make that happen apart from trying to lose weight. To date you've basicly lost that bet, and you have to come up with another plan if you want to marry.

Your options would seem to be;

1. Just leave him and go looking for a new man.
2. Demand he marry you or you will leave.
3. Stay with him, not demand marriage, and look for another man. Play them off against each other until one pops the question.

Option three is probably "evil", but likely the most effective. 

The old standby is to have his kid of course. Just be aware that will drop your value to any other potential partners.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

OR...you could bank your eggs at one of those places that stores them for you, so that you can not worry about that for now.


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