# Parenting when divorced?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I don’t know if I can get to come out what I hope to, but I’ll try. I’m curious as to how people parent kids who are divorced. 

First of all, my x wife and I aren’t chummy, but we don’t argue and have drama all the time. However, One example is this: The kids are with her more, and my x is big on cleaning house(even though she wasn't when we were together). My kids hate it. This often causes arguments there, and my x told me that my daughter said she didn't have to clean at my house.

They pick up after themselves here, wash clothes sometimes, helps with supper sometimes, and helps with the cattle sometimes, but to be honest, I’m a guy and I probably don’t clean house like my x does. I don’t want to spend the one day a week and every other weekend cracking the whip with housecleaning. I don’t really think my housekeeping is any of her business. If I were telling my kids that cleaning house was stupid and that I didn’t blame them for hating it at mom’s, I would understand, but I don’t do that. I give the impression that they should follow mom’s rules when at her house.

Also, if my kids are doing something that affects their well being, I will certainly be together on it. But, what if she and my x just have an argument. If it’s her turn to be at my house the next day, my x acts as if I should apply a punishment.
Recently, my x wouldn’t allow her to go visit a friend’s house, and they had an argument. When she came to my house, I allowed her to go to a different friends house, and my x said, “she’s never going to learn her lesson that way.” Well, she acted fine at my house. She and I talk and bond a lot. I never bad-mouth my x to my daughter. I usually verbally agree with the x on any of my daughter’s complaints, but I hate to open the door and start cracking the whip when she acts good at my house.

Her mom isn’t really doing anything wrong, but her family is big drama, and she is also dating another guy, and my daughter hates it; she says it makes the environment there really awkward. She said it feels more relaxing at my house.

I look at these as personal matters. If my daughter and x have an argument over something that is just an issue between them, am I supposed to get out the paddle(figuratively speaking) when she comes to my house?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I wrote up a humungous post in response, lol, but mostly it was just saying that I think many of us have gone through the same thing. Over time, Ex and I have evolved very different lives with DS. I, too, have a better relationship and fewer behavior problems with DS since our split. It's often been the opposite with Ex. 

The only time we ask the other parent to honor a punishment is if DS is spending a few hours with the other parent. For example, if DS loses 'screen time' for a day, that includes if he's at the other parent's house for an hour or two after school. He's only 11, so we haven't had to deal with things like being grounded. He has friends over at my house far more often than at Ex's, so that hasn't come into play, either.

Ex and I sound like we are in a similar place to you and your Ex. 'Coldly cordial' is how I'd refer to it. There were a couple times when DS went through periods of time when he didn't want to go to Ex's house. That was tough, because I knew why: Ex's growing relationship with his posGF, which finally ended up with her moving in at Christmastime last year. Ex became totally engulfed with her, and his very close relationship with DS was suddenly set aside. I know how Ex is, and I knew he was't going to change anytime soon. I did try to gently intervene a couple times, telling Ex that DS missed dad/DS alone time together. I was ridiculed for trying to start trouble. Instead, I have tried to help DS to learn to be assertive but respectful with his dad, speaking up for his feelings. I make him keep to the schedule, and tell him that I know his dad loves him. It's super hard to watch, but in the last several months, he seems to have a better time. Which brings its own issue for me, as he is now getting along better with Ex and GF and I have to deal with the feeling of being replaced, lol. But I don't want DS to be sad or miserable at either of his homes, so that's a price to pay.

I also figured that helping DS learn conflict-solving skills, while learning to be assertive and sure of his feelings, will help in any relationship in his life, not just with his dad.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

"Coldly cordial" is a great description. I hadn't thought of it, but that's us.

It's also tougher when one has lost respect for someone. There was no cheating or anything like that, but she just "wasn't happy" anymore. I don't know who she talked to, but I honestly think she believed we would just divorce and everything would be peachy from day one. I believe she thought the kids would think a new man in her life was wonderful. Personally, I was prepared for the divorce to have an affect, even if it wasn't obvious on a daily basis.

My x told me the other night that "she(daughter) doesn't care if she hurts me." I'm thinking, "You didn't care if you were hurting people with the divorce, so why is it different now?" 

My daughter also said she hates it when my x's family asks how she likes the new guy. She doesn't like him, and she says if she doesn't give the answer my x wants, she gets upset.

I just gave all that to say that it's a bit more stressful on my daughter at that house due to the family being so dramatic and such. My daughter has even said she might want to live with me instead of her mom.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

"coldly cordial" might be the best description of my relationship with my ex that I have ever heard. Very accurate. 

Southbound, sounds like you have an awesome relationship with your daughter. Keep it up and allow her to talk to you like she is now. my daughter is very young but I catch her often saying things because she thinks that is what I want to hear. I try to make sure she knows that isn't what I want. I think for the most part she gets that from the ex and her family. 

My daughter isn't old enough to form her own opinions yet but the ex and ex MIL are master manipulators.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

How old is your daughter? Here, once the kids turn 14, they have more say about which parent they want to live with. I don't know if that's common or not, though.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

angelpixie said:


> How old is your daughter? Here, once the kids turn 14, they have more say about which parent they want to live with. I don't know if that's common or not, though.


Oh, I can't believe I left that important part out; my daughter is 15. 

She talks to me about things, and she isn't a "wild child." She does like to be with her friends and such, but so far, no wild activity. She does have a good group of friends too, at least as good as it gets. I know all kids act differently when not with parents, but they seem like a good bunch of girls, and none have ever gotten in trouble.

Oh, she does drive me insane sometimes with all her needs. I often joke that everything is an emergency with her; the right clothes, etc., but she is not a bad girl. She likes to share her day with me in conversation and such. She says her mom doesn't seem to care much.

Of course, her mom has mentioned before that she just has me wrapped around her finger. I just don't see the need in trying to be the aggressive parent all the time. I enjoy the bonding.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Being an aggressive parent at 15 really doesn't do much good anyway. Kids have to be allowed to make some mistakes and a good supportive parents usually helps them much more than one who is always wanting to strike fear in the teen.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Congrats on having such a great relationship with your daughter, that's awesome.  As far as the housekeeping issue goes, it wasnt fair for your daughter to throw out there that she doesnt have to do certain things at YOUR house. She needs to understand that she needs to respect and follow the rules of whichever households she is in. Of course she will prefer one over the other, thats normal. 

On the "punishment" side of things, your ex was unreasonable about you letting her go to a friend's house. She didnt want her to go when she was there, thats fine. But to expect you to follow suit is out of line. Now, if she had set out a punishment such as grounding her, then it would be expected that the punishment would follow her to your house. That is how my ex and I have always done things. He and I have managed to co-parent pretty well. ( with ME doing way more actual parenting...just sayin...) My daughter has always understood that things work different at my house than at dad's, and that he and I DO work together on things when needed, so she isnt able to manipulate us against each other. 

With her being 15, both of you are going to need to be willing to be flexible about custody/visitation. You will avoid a lot of teenage drama that way.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> Congrats on having such a great relationship with your daughter, that's awesome.  As far as the housekeeping issue goes, it wasnt fair for your daughter to throw out there that she doesnt have to do certain things at YOUR house. She needs to understand that she needs to respect and follow the rules of whichever households she is in. Of course she will prefer one over the other, thats normal.
> 
> On the "punishment" side of things, your ex was unreasonable about you letting her go to a friend's house. She didnt want her to go when she was there, thats fine. But to expect you to follow suit is out of line. Now, if she had set out a punishment such as grounding her, then it would be expected that the punishment would follow her to your house. That is how my ex and I have always done things. He and I have managed to co-parent pretty well. ( with ME doing way more actual parenting...just sayin...) My daughter has always understood that things work different at my house than at dad's, and that he and I DO work together on things when needed, so she isnt able to manipulate us against each other.
> 
> With her being 15, both of you are going to need to be willing to be flexible about custody/visitation. You will avoid a lot of teenage drama that way.


Concerning the punishment, what if it's just a personal thing that seems isolated to a particular household? For example, what if the x is drilling her for whether or not she likes her boyfriend and things get a little ugly. My x is really strict about children not being the least bit sassy, so, if my daughter raised her voice in the least or spoke her true feelings, I'm sure the x would want a punishment. Should I honor that? I understand my daughter not liking the situation and being drilled about it, so I just feel weird cracking the whip over something of that nature that happened there.

My x says they always argue about something, yet my daughter and I rarely do. We have a lot of great conversations.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

southbound said:


> Concerning the punishment, what if it's just a personal thing that seems isolated to a particular household? For example, what if the x is drilling her for whether or not she likes her boyfriend and things get a little ugly. My x is really strict about children not being the least bit sassy, so, if my daughter raised her voice in the least or spoke her true feelings, I'm sure the x would want a punishment. Should I honor that? I understand my daughter not liking the situation and being drilled about it, so I just feel weird cracking the whip over something of that nature that happened there.
> 
> My x says they always argue about something, yet my daughter and I rarely do. We have a lot of great conversations.


If your daughter and her mom are having an argument over whether or not D likes moms boyfriend, then THAT is something very personal between them and any punishment, in MY opinion, needs to come from mom and stay within mom's house. (Also my opinion, mom needs to back off of D about the boyfriend, D has every right to not like him, and maybe instead of arguing about it, your ex should pay attention as to WHY she doesnt like him. But I digress.) Now if D was skipping school, or was caught drinking, or failing classes, any punishment should be agreed on between the two of you (parents) and apply in both households.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I was married twice. One child in each marriage. The first was a mess and my wife used my daughter as a weapon and it got to the point of one-upmanship between my ex and me and in the long run mad for a rotten kid. Learned my lesson.

Second wife and I came to an agreement that are rules are the same and it didn't matter it if my second daughter was at her Moms house or mine.

One night my ex (second marriage) called me and said that the kid was giving her a hard time. I told her that I would take care of it and not to tell the kid that we talked. My ex asked what I was going to do and I told her that she will find out real soon. 

After I talked to her, I put my coat on, jumped in my truck and took a 35 minuet ride to my ex's house, knocked on the door and when my daughter answered the door and saw me, she asked what I was doing there. I told her that "Mom said you were giving her a hard time and I want you to now that maybe I don't live here, I'm half hour away and can get her real quick and when you bad mouth Mom, your bad mouthing me". I pointed to a bit of grey hair on my head and told her that "I got that from her sister and I have no intentions of my other kid adding to it kapeesh?" 

Keep the same rules. Even if you and your ex don't get along, make an effort with her that you both have to do this for your kids. It will pay off or you can go what I went through with my oldest who got the idea that if she can't get what she wants from her Mom, she can get it from me and vice versa. GREAT BIG HUGE GIGANTIC MISTAKE!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> Now if D was skipping school, or was caught drinking, or failing classes, any punishment should be agreed on between the two of you (parents) and apply in both households.


That's how i see it too. If it were something that was having a negative effect on her, such as the things you mentioned, I think we should certainly be together on it, but those aren't the issues we have. 

The thing is, I think i have a lot of things to like about my daughter. As I said, she's not a wild child. She makes As in school, she is active in school and has a good group of friends. She is always telling me that she doesn't understand why people use bad language, and tells me how she despises the thought of drinking and drugs.

I know things can change overnight with teens and mistakes can be made, but if she's playing me with all this stuff, she certainly is an expert. 

Speaking of skipping school, one thing that she is really proud of is that she has never missed a day of school in her life. I'd probably have a fight on my hands if I tried to make her miss unless she was bedridden in a coma, seriously.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

6301 said:


> I was married twice. One child in each marriage. The first was a mess and my wife used my daughter as a weapon and it got to the point of one-upmanship between my ex and me and in the long run mad for a rotten kid. Learned my lesson.
> 
> Second wife and I came to an agreement that are rules are the same and it didn't matter it if my second daughter was at her Moms house or mine.
> 
> ...


I don't want to shun your comments. What you say makes a lot of sense. Like i said, I'm just torn between whether some personal issues should be dealt with within the home they are in. I can understand getting sick of having a new boyfriend shoved down your throat. 

I even asked my daughter to talk with her mom about things that bothered her. She gave me a weird look and said, "You can't talk to mom without her getting mad."


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It is tough -- she is 15, so she's nearly out of your legal care anyway. She, however, is going to have this mom for the rest of her life. Perhaps it's time for a third party to step in -- and not you -- can you and your daughter speak to her school counselor, and perhaps s/he can recommend a counselor that can work with the two of them on their communication? YOU telling your ex that your daughter is upset about the ex's boyfriend is never going to go over well. There may be a slim chance that your ex would listen to a third party professional telling her that her daughter doesn't like having all this stuff shoved down her throat. Either way, it will hopefully help your daughter by giving her a neutral place to express herself to her mom and maybe learn some better ways to express her feelings in general. She'll be dealing with difficult people elsewhere in her life, too.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Sounds like your ex is making her own problems with your daughter, which is unfortunate. Keep doing what you're doing, be there for your daughter not only as a parent, but as a friend when she's having personal issues.

In my opinion, depending on the reason for punishment, it should stay in the household it was given. Unless it was for something universal, such as stealing or school related. Why should you punish your daughter on your time simply because your ex isn't capable of empathy in regards to how your daughter feels about her boyfriend.


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## left behind (Sep 24, 2012)

You guys touched on a point that I have been struggling with for months now and that is in regards to forcing someone to continue visitation/custody. My D15 doesn't not want to go to her moms and hasn't since the divorce. We tried counseling but didnt' make much progress with either one of the counselors. They both said she should not be forced but her and her mom need to work this out and I need to stay out of it. I said I would support continuing counseling but X never made another appointment. Don't get me wrong D15 can be a real bear full of attitude at times but for the most part is a good kid. I keep trying to get her to stay with X but she refuses and says I don't love her, dont respect her and don't want to be there, please stop making me go there after school. Her not being is having an effect of S13 and I really think she needs to work this out but she refuses. Do you force her?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

left behind said:


> You guys touched on a point that I have been struggling with for months now and that is in regards to forcing someone to continue visitation/custody. My D15 doesn't not want to go to her moms and hasn't since the divorce. We tried counseling but didnt' make much progress with either one of the counselors. They both said she should not be forced but her and her mom need to work this out and I need to stay out of it. I said I would support continuing counseling but X never made another appointment. Don't get me wrong D15 can be a real bear full of attitude at times but for the most part is a good kid. I keep trying to get her to stay with X but she refuses and says I don't love her, dont respect her and don't want to be there, please stop making me go there after school. Her not being is having an effect of S13 and I really think she needs to work this out but she refuses. Do you force her?


My Ex hasn't spoken to my 13 year old Son for 6 months.. 
I gave him a birthday card for his mother and he didn't do anything with it.
My Ex fvcked this all up.. She is the adult.. If she doesn't want to speak to her son.. Well she gets whatever happens.. 

Her comment to me was he will understand one day.. I replied back I bet that is what my father thought when he left and went to his grave thinking.

She of course still see's our 8 year old twice a week. Talk about dividing the kids and causing resentment.. I have to tell my oldest that his brother is not to blame.. He understands thank god and is intelligent enough to grasp it all. 

In the end I do me and my POS Ex can do her.. I was the disciplinarian in the family and my Ex commented to me that now suddenly I am father of the year.. That they will see what kind of person I am.. I begged her to explain so I could even understand.. She had no answer.. She just wanted to hear herself talk. 

In the end I simply told her, it's funny for the monster I am the kids want to be with me. She had no reply.. 

I have changed, My kids have changed.. Sadly my Ex has not.. She won't get it until its too late and they are calling someone else mom one day.. 

So I say again.. Its your Ex job to fix the sh1t she broke.. Not yours and not your kids for sure.. Its your like inlaws blaming the kids for not getting a call on their birthday.. Everyone knows a kid isn't going to be that mindful to call someone on their birthday. 90% of the time its the parent getting the kid a card to sign for someone. 

Even my therapist tells me fix yourself and don't worry about fixing anyone else or rescuing anyone.. Be selfish..


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## left behind (Sep 24, 2012)

SB, I have been managing the coparenting situation similar to the way the others describe and feel the same way you do. There are certain universal rules which apply at both houses with regards to lying, drinking, drugs, sex, school, etc. Then there's the soft stuff which is very subjective. I keep that separate to each house. I tend to allow some spirited debate as long as the language and tone stay constructive and respectful. Sometimes things change and sometimes they don't. When it's final we move on. My X does not so since I'm not there to manage the relationship or see how she is behaving I leave that to her. Now if there is a situation where even S13 says D15 was way out of line then I say something.

Most of your children seem to flow back and forth and I'm sure there were times when they grumbled a bit, but have they flat out refused? I know legally I'm to make her available and encourage a relationship which I do, passionately, but deep inside I think a daughter needs a relationship with her mom. Even though there were issues between us (X and I - her affair and leaving to be with POSOM) she was a good mom. I came from a close family and just can't understand how a child can feel that way. We all got mad sometimes but never acted like this. 

Not sure how they will take being introduced to the OM when his divorce is final and they decide it's time to introduce each other to their respective kids. Not sure how I will take it but as long as he is nice to the kids I know there isn't anything I can do about it. 

SB, does your daughter talk about the new guy or resent him? Not sure how to handle that issue when it comes up. I know S13 is not going to like it one bit and D15 doesn't want any part of it. Do you listen to their concerns with no opinion? You're facing the issues now that I know are coming.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I agree with Hardtohandle on this, although it could be because I'm in a similar situation. My ex hasn't seen the kids in seven months. He will occasionally text D12, never D16. He blames the children and me for their crappy relationship, not his temper, not his infidelity, and not his unwillingness to participate in their lives. Once, when he called me to discuss the D and money, he asked how the kids were and I shared. He asked to speak with D16 and I handed her the phone. I immediately regretted it. She took the phone because she is a respectful child, but I put her in an awkward situation. He did ask about school, but then there was more of his same crap. I cut the conversation short and told her I would never put her in that position again. I was trying to save their relationship, he wasn't. He was trying to manipulate her and try to force her to take responsibility for his lack of parenting. In typical fashion, he ignored D12 and left me to explain why he didn't want to talk with her. 
Your ex is the adult and is responsible for the parent-child relationship. I understand there are situations when one spouse bashes the other, but short of that type of inappropriate conduct. It is up to the parent to maintain the relationship.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

southbound said:


> My daughter has even said she might want to live with me instead of her mom.


That's what happened with my 15 year old son and I. When he lived with me, we fought all the time, it was horrible and stressful for both of us so he moved in with his father. Problem solved! Now he's happy, I'm happy and my ex is happy. I pay for my son's expenses, his father is his caretaker and sees to his daily routine, schoolwork, etc. 

My son and I work out when we want to see each other, just as he did with is father when he was with me. We have no formal visitation schedule and my son decides where and with whom he wants to spend time with. With holidays, we usually wind up splitting things fairly evenly. For example, he spent Thanksgiving with me and is spending Christmas Day with his father after being with me on Christmas Eve. It's all about giving him control over what he wants and compromising. I'd rather NOT force him to be with me and know that when he is, it's because he truly wants to be spending time with me. 

On weekends I will spend time with my son and we have a great time. No more fighting, no more day to day stress. I never was a great daily caretaker for him and his father is. I'm much more comfortable taking care of his financial needs and being the "fun" parent. It's a lot like it was in our marriage...Total role reversal. 

In the end it wasn't about who was the "better" parent. It's just that his father and him get along better. They have better chemistry. It's as simple as that. The opposite situation is true with regards to my 19 year old daughter who is in college. She and I get along great and when she's home from school, she lives with me comes home fairly often. She and her father don't have any contact at all, but that's a different situation and another long story. 

As far as punishment goes, if my son does something in my house or in my presence then I deal with the situation. What my ex does in HIS house is his business. If there is a problem with school or something that requires my help/assistance then I am there to help but since my ex husband is our son's daily caretaker then I pretty much let him handle it in the way that he sees fit. My son respects him and responds much better towards him then he does to me so it works out better if I don't get it involved unless it's totally necessary. 

But you have to put aside your ego and emotions to do this and do what's best for your child. Not many people can do this in a divorced situation. Fortunately I'm a very practical person.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

A lot of good feedback here. Your daughter is in that age range where girls often assert their independence from their mothers so some head-butting isn't unusual although the argument about the boyfriend is certainly not your business or in your household.

As to rules for different households, like chores, etc. that's going to be something you both adjust to - that's the new normal. Kiddo is with Ex alternating weekends and they share one bathroom so of course she never has to clean it; I wash all clothes so she never has to put stuff away, etc. but she's with me more often so the fact she never has chores there is just the way it is.

I suggest you send an email to your ex with a proposed system of punishment. If she needs to punish daughter she needs to have it only apply at her house - she doesn't go to mall with friends the weekend she's with mom, or no telephone for two days (which coincidentally ends the day she goes to visit you), etc. but I think Mom needs to limit the punishment to within parameters she can enforce and you should do the same.

EXCEPTION - bigger things like bad grades resulting in no phone for a month or no movies with friends, etc. or when she starts driving and gets a speeding ticket then she isn't allowed to drive for a month regardless of who she is staying with. These should be discussed and enforced across households. That that punishment is not personal to you or ex. 

These examples can easily be divided by things that affect one household or things that are general issues that require joint parenting.

Right now ex and I parent completely separately with one exception - bad grades meant no gymnastics competitions. He didn't agree with that but it also didn't affect his parenting time except he didn't have to bother taking her or attending a meet.


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