# I'm so lost.



## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

The day I met my wife she was the most amazing person I've ever met, a smile that could light up a room, always laughing, life Of the party. She did have some problems like randomly crying and suicidal thoughts. But things have changed and I don't know what to do anymore. My wife has become so angry and defensive over everything. I don't remember the last time we had a conversation that she didn't take as a fight and become overly defensive, calling me names belittling me. I try to explain that she is taking what I said completely wrong but it doesn't stop her. I've tried writing her letter about how I'm feeling in hopes that she would see how much she is hurting me but instead she became pissed and within a few hours started a fight saying I was over reacting and needed to apologize to her. If I do something around the house to help her she makes sure to point out that I'm not doing it right or good enough. I go to school from 0700 to 1045 and work 12pm till 8pm Monday through Thursday when I get home I'm expected to do laundry and dishes which I do and while doing them she tells me how i don't do anything to help her and she has to do everything. She is so defensive and pissed about everything that I can't say anything without her blowing up on me. I've tried talking to her about her talking to someone but that is met with her yelling at me that I'll only love her if she dopped up on depression meds something I've never said to her. But that is kinda the story she is alway assuming something or putting words in my mouth then flipping out on me. She has no interest in having sex with me anymore and when we met the sex was great and everyday of the week and always something new now it's maybe once a month if I'm lucky.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hi and welcome. I am sorry you're going through this. It sounds absolutely horrible.

You sound quite young. Do you guys have kids?

You need to tell her that if she won't get professional help and deal with this, you will file for divorce. I am sorry, but unless she's willing to do some real work on herself, this is how your life will be forever till you die miserable.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

No children, I would never have any children with things the way they are, I've asked her to get help and we have gone to marriage counseling. The counselor did tell her she needed to knock off her drama.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Sounds like she is a manic depressant, and without treatment, nothing will change. You need to seriously consider where you stand in the marriage, what you're willing to put up with, and what steps you are willing to take if she doesn't do her part in preserving the marriage.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

DomF said:


> No children, I would never have any children with things the way they are, I've asked her to get help and we have gone to marriage counseling. The counselor did tell her she needed to knock off her drama.


You don't need MARRIAGE counseling. She needs an intervention.

And you don't ASK her either. You TELL her that either she gets help and continues getting help, or it's over. Period, end of discussion.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> You don't need MARRIAGE counseling. She needs an intervention.
> 
> And you don't ASK her either. You TELL her that either she gets help and continues getting help, or it's over. Period, end of discussion.


I agree, this is not an issue for marriage counseling. She needs individual counseling, probably needs to be on medication, and she needs to start devouring self-help books. You can't fix this if she won't fix herself. Honestly, she sounds like she has a personality disorder and this may be as good as it's gonna get.

And for heaven's sakes, quit coming home (after working all day and going to school) and slaving away at cooking, cleaning and laundry! What the heck does she do all day? Why should YOU be the one to do all that?

Put a timeline on this -- 6 months sounds reasonable. If she's not working her tail off to change herself and improve the relationship -- including sex -- time to end it.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

How bad can this depression get? Has anyone else been with someone who had depression and refused help?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

DomF, you're a doormat. Why do you put up with this? Is it fear you won't find someone else? Fear a divorce will disappoint your friends and family? Is it fear of being alone and having to survive in the world with only your income?

Are you a Nice Guy?

Download No More Mr Nice Guy for free and it read it tonight: https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy

As I see it, no amount of counseling will fix your issues. You are done and just waiting for time to escape this hellhole. Just get out now. Don't waste another day being miserable. The longer you stay married, the more it will cost you $$ down the road.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

She works a 9-5 my timeline doesn't go out 6 months I'm thinking 2 months


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

It's not a fear that I didn't want it to end, it's more false hope that she could get better. I'm seeing through the conversation I've had with her today that it will never change unless she gets her act together. I've been divorced before I'm not worried about that happening. I'm more worried that if she does something to herself finally I'll be blammed. Every fight we get into she tells her family and friends how much of an [email protected]@ I am. Example she was flipping out on me while she was at work yelling me threatening to kill herself she had a plan and means to do it so I told her to either go to the ER or I was calling 911 and letting them know what she was saying. Well she went to ER told them she didn't say she was going to kill her so they let her go she called her mom told her I made her go to the ER cause she was SAD when I tried to explain I have all the messages her mom said she doesn't have depression and I shouldn't be making her feel bad about herself...


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

It sounds to me like she has borderline personality disorder. I have it as well, my experience and most experts tell me that BPD is, at its heart, a fear of being left by people whom you love. Borderline personality disorder is like having your emotional panic button locked down. Something ridiculously tiny, like a minor argument or affectionate teasing, can be perceived as the end of the relationship and a massive betrayal, and the person reacts as though they have just been betrayed and then immediately broken up with. This can extend to every single area of your life. Get yelled at at work? You are the worst employee in the history of labor and you should die. Is an outfit you like ill-fitting? You're convinced you are the fattest and ugliest creature to ever disgrace the earth, and you'd be better off dead. 

Unfortunately, none of this is hyperbole. It sounds like it to normal ears, but BPD people suffer from black and white thinking, which means that we are literally incapable of conceiving of the idea of "not perfect, but not awful". Every single moment for us is literally the worst or the best moment we've ever experienced. It's a hellish way to live and it's not surprising so many people with BPD seek escape in things like suicide attempts, eating disorders, or self-harm. When everything is painful, pain you can control feels better than pain you can't.

Suicide, suicidal thoughts, and generally believing life to be a meaningless cesspool of torture are very common. And also things I experience on a daily basis, though for me not necessarily because of my relationships.

That said, BPD is treatable, especially if you catch it in your twenties rather than waiting until middle age. I'm 23 and I was diagnosed at 21, which means I have a better prognosis than most. Getting your wife in therapy and possibly on medication is the best thing you could do. Try and find her therapist who specializes in dialectical behavioral therapy. DBT is the gold standard for treating borderline. 

Therapy might not work, it might not work all the time, and/or it might not work very well. There will be good days and bad days, months-long stretches when she barely displays any symptoms, and months-long stretches where her daily routine is a who's who list of terrible coping mechanisms.

From my experience, having BPD and having friends who also have BPD, the best thing you can do for somebody with BPD is to basically be their caretaker. That doesn't mean give her whatever she wants and let her trample you. It means be gentle and loving, but firm and disciplinary when you have to be. Many people with BPD have had terrible childhoods, and continue to act like and believe they are traumatized, abused children, for the entirety of their adult lives. 

I was extremely lucky in that I was able to find a caring and compassionate husband it was willing to be both my lover and my guardian. You might not be ready for such an enormous task. That's completely understandable, but if you do break up with her, make sure she has somewhere to live and someone who can stay with her 24/7 and make sure she doesn't kill herself. There is no more heartbreaking or traumatizing moment than when your lover leaves you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She is character assassinating you to her family, which is a precurser to things going down the toilet fast. It ensures YOU are the bad guy to her support network no matter what. Many people are not sensible enough to be able to form their opinions so they will cling to hers automatically if they know nothing else. 

Your relationship problems are no one else's business. So by going to them she's opened the door for you to go to people as well. 

Protect yourself with FACTS. 
Go to her family yourself (alone, without telling her) and present the FACTS and your side. You have a fundamental right to defend yourself from slander. They may believe her anyway but when she finds out you are going to defend yourself and her real nature is going to become public, she's may back off.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Satya said:


> She is character assassinating you to her family, which is a precurser to things going down the toilet fast. It ensures YOU are the bad guy to her support network no matter what. Many people are not sensible enough to be able to form their opinions so they will cling to hers automatically if they know nothing else.
> 
> Your relationship problems are no one else's business. So by going to them she's opened the door for you to go to people as well.
> 
> ...


Get a VAR ( voice activated recorder ) and keep it on you when you speak with her. When she blows up and threatens suicide you'll have proof. I'd suggest playing it for her family but they already know how she is.

In any event, the VAR is to protect you against any false accusations by her.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

A realistic threat of Suicide should be reported. That is HOW you don't get blamed for something final she decides to do. I can't for the life of me figure out why you threatened to call 911 instead of just making the call. Perhaps you are too close to see it clearly. Every bit of training I've had in safety says that when a person makes that threat you go to the Pros immediately.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

I didn't call 911 cause she worked at the hospital and I didn't want that kind of embarrassment for her when she could of just walked downstairs.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

DomF said:


> I didn't call 911 cause she worked at the hospital and I didn't want that kind of embarrassment for her when she could of just walked downstairs.


So, does she act like this all the time, or is it more like "that time of month" thing? Just curious, as I suspected my ex had PMDD, she stabbed me in the arm once with a large chefs knife. Hope you figure it out, I know how bad it's sucks, good luck.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

DomF said:


> How bad can this depression get?


DomF, what you describe seems to go far beyond simple depression. I agree with @*happyasaclam* and @*EllaSuaveterre* that you are describing symptoms of a personality disorder. As *Ella* observes, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., suicide threats, irrational anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, verbal abuse, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. 



> The day I met my wife she was the most amazing person I've ever met, a smile that could light up a room, always laughing, life of the party.


The vast majority of BPDers -- even those with full-blown BPD -- are caring and loving people who are easy to fall in love with. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both exhibited full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct. The BPDer's problem is not being bad or unlovable but, rather, being _unstable_. That instability usually does not show itself until you are past the infatuation stage of your relationship. 



> She worked at the hospital.


The vast majority of BPDers -- even those with full-blown BPD -- are intelligent and high functioning people. It is common for them to excel in demanding professions such as those you would encounter in any school, business, or hospital -- e.g., doctors, nurses, and administrators. High functioning BPDers typically get along fine with clients, patients, casual friends, and business associates. 

The reason is that none of those people pose a threat to a BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to cause the suffocating feeling of engulfment. Those two fears will be triggered, however, if someone makes the mistake of drawing close to her in a LTR. This is why a BPDer can be caring and considerate to complete strangers all day long at work -- but will go home at night to abuse the very person who loves her.



> If I do something around the house to help her she makes sure to point out that I'm not doing it right or good enough.


If she is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong and persistent traits), her ego is so fragile and unstable that she has only a weak sense of self identity. She therefore will keep a death grip on the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." In order to "validate" that self image, her subconscious will project nearly all hurtful thoughts and feelings onto YOU. This is why one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD is _"Swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)."_



> She is so defensive and pissed about everything that I can't say anything without her blowing up on me.


If she is a BPDer, she has been carrying enormous hurt and anger inside since early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Instead, all you have to do is say or do some minor thing that TRIGGERS a release of anger that is already there. One result is that BPDers can flip into a rage or hissy fit in only ten seconds. Another result is that the abused spouses will frequently feel that they are walking on eggshells.

This is why one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD is _"Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger." _And this is why the best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused spouses) is titled, _Stop Walking on Eggshells_.



> She is taking what I said completely wrong but it doesn't stop her.


The human condition is that our perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations becomes seriously distorted whenever we experience intense feelings (e.g., rage or love). Nearly all of us understand this very well by the time we are in high school. This is why we try to keep our mouths shut when very angry -- and try to wait two years before buying the ring.

Well, BPDers are like that too. As *Ella* explained, BPDers exhibit these distorted perceptions far more frequently only because they experience intense feelings much more often than the rest of us. This occurs in BPDers, as it does in young children, because they never had an opportunity to learn how to do self soothing and regulate their own emotions.

At times, these misinterpretations of other peoples' intentions can be so strange and out of place that the behavior appears paranoid. This is why _"having stress-related paranoia"_ is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. Indeed, BPDers typically are so easily offended by remarks from loved ones that this oversensitivity is sometimes referred to as "emotional hemorrhaging."



> I'm so lost.


My advice, DomF, is to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if most seem to apply strongly.

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as suicide threats, verbal abuse, and temper tantrums.

An easy place to start reading is my list of red flags at _*18 Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join *Happy*, *Ella, *@*JohnA* and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, DomF.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

I doubt it has anything to do her time of the month, she's on birthcontrol 24 so never get a period hasn't had one in years. I'm thinking BPD might be a issue she goes from loving to pissed over nothing in a blink of an eye


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

DomF said:


> I doubt it has anything to do her time of the month... I'm thinking BPD might be a issue she goes from loving to pissed over nothing in a blink of an eye


Actually, DomF, the most common cause of _temporary BPD flareups_ is a strong change in hormones. This is why a large share of teenagers start exhibiting full-blown BPD behaviors for several years when puberty is occurring. And this is why some women behave that way for nine months during pregnancy, for up to two years during postpartum, or for several years during perimenopause.

If a person is exhibiting the full-blown disorder itself (not a flareup), she will exhibit BPD symptoms that are not only _strong_ but also _persistent_ over time. Hence, if you decide that you are seeing most of the 18 BPD warning signs at a strong level, an important issue is whether they have been persistent from year to year since her early teens. This is why, if you discuss BPD as a possibility with a psychologist, one of the first things he will inquire about is what you know about her family history and behavior with previous partners.

If your W is in her mid-to-late 30's, she may be experiencing early-onset of perimenopause. If that is true, it could cause a flareup of her BPD traits. Yet, because you report seeing these symptoms only a couple of months following the wedding, I suspect that you will find that the issue was there for years before you started dating -- and it disappeared during the courtship period because her infatuation with you held her two fears at bay. With BPDers (i.e., those exhibiting strong and persistent traits), the symptoms typically disappear throughout the infatuation period -- which usually lasts 4 to 6 months (but may last up to a year or two if you don't see each other frequently).


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

She is 25 l, as for her ex's when she calms for a second she has said her ex boyfriend have said similar stuff to her but it was all caused by them. Same thing she tells me I'm the reason she is the way she is, as for her family they told her marriage counseling was what WE should do


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DomF said:


> I doubt it has anything to do her time of the month, she's on birthcontrol 24 so never get a period hasn't had one in years. I'm thinking BPD might be a issue she goes from loving to pissed over nothing in a blink of an eye


Does she have these mood swings in a single day, like back and forth? 

How long has she been on birth control? Since it messes with a woman’s sexual hormones, they can cause a woman to have a decreased sex drive. They can even cause some women to not want to be touched, not want sex, and be very moody.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A large percentage of people with mental health issues will not get help. My experience with people who do this is that they think that they are ok and the problem is with everyone else. When a person is convinced of this, it’s next to impossible to get them to grasp the idea that they need help.

Someone suggest you getting a VAR (voice activated recorder). I agree with this. Keep it on your person, hidden, when you are round her. That way you can record her outbursts. Copy the files to some safe place so that she cannot find and delete them. Don’t tell her that you are recording her. 

Often times, people who behave the way she is behaving only do this nonsense behind closes doors. So you are the only person who knows that this is going on. She talks to others as though she has her stuff together. Hence the reaction her family is having. Get a few recordings of her being completely out of control.
The next time she threatens suicide, just dial 911. You would have a recording of her threatening suicide. Play it for the cops.

Also you need to find out if your state is a two party or one party state for recording conversations. You would need to handle the recordings according to the laws in our state.

But the recordings might be essential to get her help. It might be the only way that you can force her to get the help she needs. She could not hide this bad behavior.

Or, you could save yourself a lot of grief and got now. I was married to a man who acted a lot like your wife. He, like your wife, would not get any help. People don’t change very often. Her behavior is coming from the very core of who she is. So unless you are ready for a life time of dealing with this behavior, just end the marriage.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You either let her dominate you as she is doing, or divorce her. You cannot solve her problems for her. I do not think she will go for psychological help and if she needs to be constantly medicated to where she becomes a zombie, you still are better off without her. You sound like you are afraid to stand up to her face to face. Writing her a letter is not the same as telling her to her face that things must change or you are leaving her. If she refuses, leave her for a few weeks and see how that goes. If she does not care, you have your answer.


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## DomF (Apr 6, 2017)

Not afraid of her just worried with what she will do I have all of the information from her she does most of this through text message. I've tried to show her family they dont want to see them. Their reasoning is it just K being K. Yes these mood swings happen a couple times a day.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

DomF said:


> These mood swings happen a couple times a day.


 DomF, the two most common causes of mood swings are a _hormone change_ and _drug abuse_. Yet, because your W is only 25 and you mention no pregnancy or drug problem, you apparently do not regard these two issues as an underlying problem. 

I therefore note that the two remaining common causes of instability are _BPD_ and _bipolar disorder_. Significantly, the behaviors you describe are much closer to the warning signs for BPD than to those for bipolar. Because bipolar is believed to be caused by gradual changes in body chemistry, the mood changes typically take a week or two to develop and even longer to disappear. Such changes usually occur only once a year and, if they occur as often as four times a year, it is called "rapid cycling." 

In contrast, you are describing mood changes where "she goes from loving to pissed over nothing in a blink of an eye." Such rapid mood flips almost always are triggered by events and thus are said to be "event triggered." Such flips usually occur in less than a minute, often in less than 10 seconds. As I noted earlier, this sudden transition is possible because you don't have to do anything to create the anger. Because the anger is always there at a deep level, all you have to do is say or do some minor thing that triggers a sudden release of that anger.

Granted, it is possible for a bipolar sufferer to experience ultra-rapid cycling, where several cycles a day occur. This is very rare, however. And, when it occurs, it usually lasts only a short time and, unlike what you describe, does not persist throughout the year and with multiple partners.


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## Cognitivedissonance (May 16, 2017)

Look up Personality Disorder and Narcissism. My ex was a Narcissist. What she did sounds like love bombing, and now she is at the devaluation stage. This sounds like a joke but I promise. YouTube narcissistic personality disorder. These people cant have conversations, they love to sabotage empaths that want the best and they feed off our false hope that it will get better. I am not a psychologist but I have researched enough to know this sounds similar to my case.


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