# Hes asking me to reconsider.



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

My soon to be ex and I were separated for 10 months, got back together for 3 and again separated. It's been 5 months now. A week ago I told him we need to discuss details of our separation agreement and finalize our divorce.

Yesterday when he dropped off our daughter he hugged me and said he misses me. Today he asked me to reconsider and not rush any decisions. Honestly i'd love nothing more than to be together as a family, have more kids and enjoy more financial stability. But I've been so traumatized that I told him it's simply too late. He's telling me to think about our daughters happiness...why wasn't he thinking about her happiness when I kept asking him to move in with me? 

Also he's become more religious and very close minded which is part of the reason for our split.

Just when I get to a place of acceptance he drops this on me. I'm so scared. I know our marriage was emotionally destructive...but Im also afraid that as my daughter grows up she will feel lonely with me. I worry for her. I grew up with lots of siblings and I wish she had siblings too.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Why????? Staying for the kids in this situation is an excuse to do nothing IMO.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> Why????? Staying for the kids in this situation is an excuse to do nothing IMO.


Why does he want to get back together? Because he says our daughter tells him she wants us to be together and she's sad.

For us to be together without resolving serious issues first would be much tougher on our daughter as she'd have to see us argue often. There's no easy way out of this.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Why does he want to get back together? Because he says our daughter tells him she wants us to be together and she's sad.
> 
> For us to be together without resolving serious issues first would be much tougher on our daughter as she'd have to see us argue often. There's no easy way out of this.


Sure there is.

Tell him you'll stay separated for the time being, but are willing to date and go to counseling.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> My soon to be ex and I were separated for 10 months, got back together for 3 and again separated. It's been 5 months now. A week ago I told him we need to discuss details of our separation agreement and finalize our divorce.
> 
> Yesterday when he dropped off our daughter he hugged me and said he misses me. Today he asked me to reconsider and not rush any decisions. Honestly i'd love nothing more than to be together as a family, have more kids and enjoy more financial stability. But I've been so traumatized that I told him it's simply too late. He's telling me to think about our daughters happiness...why wasn't he thinking about her happiness when I kept asking him to move in with me?
> 
> ...


You could find a new spouse and give her siblings with someone who loves and respects you. You haven't rushed this decision and he hasn't change his ways.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's never given up the idea that he can convince you to return and continue to live with his family. He's very likely manipulating your daughter when he has her. 

Reconciling for your child is not a good idea (I know because I did that). When you reconciled the last time, your daughter was exposed to arguments she shouldn't have been exposed to -- and his constant leaving and returning -- because the two of you hold very different views (especially as he's become more religious). Don't make the mistake of reconciling with him a second time. He's not changing his very restrictive views regarding females and that will include your daughter. 

You need to file. As long as you don't, he'll continue trying to convince you to return. Maybe if he sees you moving on with your life he'll give up but you need to be prepared he may not ever give up. He sees you as a possession. That probably will never change. So you need to minimize your interactions with him. And keep your physical distance. Allowing him to hug you is not productive. 

I was one of the posters who thought it was a bad idea to reconcile with him the last time and I still think that. You would have a very tough life with his narrow views if you allowed him to come back again.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Why does he want to get back together? Because he says our daughter tells him she wants us to be together and she's sad.
> 
> For us to be together without resolving serious issues first would be much tougher on our daughter as she'd have to see us argue often. There's no easy way out of this.


Not to mention it would give him, you and your daughter a false sense of security, the illusion of working things out when the problems just fester... RTZero is correct, dating and counseling is the way out-if you want to reconcile.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

OP, do not let your heart overrule your head in this matter. Think back to all the stuff that has gone on between you, he has never put you before his family and his own wants. Has he gone to counselling or tried in any way to be a better person, I think the answer is 'no'. Therefore what makes you think it would better the third time?

Your daughter is now in a stable environment, let it be, and move on with your life. He did nothing to change or win you back, let him go and get that divorce.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Orange... PLEASE do not go down this road again. You've tried this route several times and it always ends up the same, with you sad and alone. Look, even when you're WITH this man you're sad and alone. He simply isn't marriage material right now (if ever).

Proceed with divorce for your own sanity. And your daughter is quite young, far too young to know what's best for her parents whose relationship is so dysfunctional. I'm guessing your husband is the one "planting the seed of sadness" in her by telling her how much he misses the family. And that is just plain wrong for him to drag her into your very adult problems.

Your husband needs years of intense counseling (as well as putting about 1000 miles between him and his family). Barring that, he simply is toxic to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

happy as a clam said:


> Orange... PLEASE do not go down this road again. You've tried this route several times and it always ends up the same, with you sad and alone. Look, even when you're WITH this man you're sad and alone. He simply isn't marriage material right now (if ever).
> 
> Proceed with divorce for your own sanity. And your daughter is quite young, far too young to know what's best for her parents whose relationship is so dysfunctional. I'm guessing your husband is the one "planting the seed of sadness" in her by telling her how much he misses the family. And that is just plain wrong for him to drag her into your very adult problems.
> 
> ...


Wow, I didn't take that away from this but then again I haven't been here that long and am a little wrapped up in my problems... You are brilliant.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Oh Orange, he throws out a little kernel of hope and there's nothing behind it. He does love to manipulate you, doesn't he. Of course your young child wants Mom & Dad together. You two kept most of the problems surrounding your marriage away from her (kuddos). She is a child. She doesn't understand what is really happening with her father, or his family.

You must be the adult and do what is best for both of you. You say he's become more religious and this is undoubtedly his reason for putting more pressure on you. His religion would prefer the marriage stay together-for him-regardless of the way he treats you, regardless of his clearly unhealthy connection with his side of the family.

Do you have any reasonable hope that ANY of the problems you've endured will change? Has he gone to counseling, has he attended MC with you? Anything?

Be strong. You are a good mother and a kind and caring person. You deserve to be truly loved in return.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

ReturntoZero said:


> Sure there is.
> 
> Tell him you'll stay separated for the time being, but are willing to date and go to counseling.


But isn't that staying in limbo? This situation started almost 2 years ago and I don't want to drag it out 2 more years. That's 2 years I can spend healing and moving on, instead of hitting the dead horse of our marriage.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Thank you for very constructive feedback, everyone. I wish I could reply to each post. Of course, I do agree with the overwhelming response which is "don't do it".

I spent all day yesterday (and I can feel today as well) in anxiety. Not because I am going to get back together with him (I'm not)...but because he asked, and that means scratching at wounds that haven't even healed yet. So the next few months are going to be really difficult. I still care about him so seeing him sad is painful for me. Also, I worry SO MUCH about my daughter. She had fever for a week and now that she's better, she's constantly telling me that she wants Mommy and Daddy together. It really breaks my heart and makes me worry. She tells me she misses Daddy, even though she sees him 3 days a week. It's not that she misses HIM, it's that she wants us together.

But absolutely, I know that this child of mine has a delicate heart, and when we did live together the last 3 months, we were constantly arguing. He packed up and left so many times, it gave her separation anxiety. Not to mention how traumatic it was for me, and humiliating (that he'd run to his Mom and siblings every time we argued). 

I'm not ready to go back to that life. Nothing has changed.

I could try to change myself and simply "take what I can get", meaning - we stay married and he lives with us but I have absolutely no expectations of him, he spends as much time as he wants with his biological family, I don't rely or depend on him or try to control him in any way. I guess "true love" means not trying to control the other person but simply love them for who they are and accept them. But what about his religiosity? He's always trying to impose that on me and he will do the same to our daughter...he simply won't let me be. I believe in God and my faith is strong but that's not good enough for him. If he could walk his path and I could walk my path but we could still be together, maybe it would work. But for us to not have expectations of each other, has proven too difficult thus far. Also my whole life I think I'd feel kind of cheated...like "I had to settle for this, because of the kids, and because I was too afraid of the unknown."

Someone else in another thread put it really well when they said divorce is like death stigmatized. Not only is it super painful but people are so judgmental, and gossip a lot. When I was married, it felt like a "protective cloak" from people's talk...but now I have no protective cloak, and people can be really cruel. My own "best" friend told me, "You'll never be able to get married again." WHY NOT? Not that I plan to - but if love finds me again, why not? Why condemn me to a life of what you see fit? People tell me "nobody else can be a father to your daughter" and that feeds on my fears even more. I dislike people. People suck.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Oh Orange, he throws out a little kernel of hope and there's nothing behind it. He does love to manipulate you, doesn't he. Of course your young child wants Mom & Dad together. You two kept most of the problems surrounding your marriage away from her (kuddos). She is a child. She doesn't understand what is really happening with her father, or his family.
> 
> You must be the adult and do what is best for both of you. You say he's become more religious and this is undoubtedly his reason for putting more pressure on you. His religion would prefer the marriage stay together-for him-regardless of the way he treats you, regardless of his clearly unhealthy connection with his side of the family.
> 
> ...


No sweety, nothing has changed.  I didn't expect it to.

The last time we split, it was really hard for me because we had spent good moments together as a family (him, me, daughter) and for a while there I felt like we made a mistake, like he should come back. But then I had a chat with him and realized his increased religiousness has become a major issue because he's become close-minded. On top of all the problems we had, that was just one more. As time passed, and I settled into the "new norm", I realized that this was the best decision because it's much more peaceful. Less stress.

He says we should make compromises for our daughter, that anger is not worth causing her pain. I'm not really angry at him...in fact I've forgiven him and want him to lead a happy productive life. But it won't be with me. It's much too late. What I know for sure now, is that he's not capable of having a life apart from his mom and siblings...sure, we'd live in a separate house, but his life is completely enmeshed and intertwined with theirs to a super unhealthy level. And to be honest, I don't have the patience for it any more. It's better for them to live how they see fit and for me to live how I see fit.

I hope I can be strong enough to continue facing the stigma, and not be bogged down by negative things people say and think about me.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I totally understand the struggles of keeping the family together. Totally. I am all for keeping the family together in the right conditions with two willing participants. 

Two years is a lot of time for this scenario to work itself out. Many people, once the divorce is looming start to doubt their decision. It's a huge one with a child to think about.

Someone told me this and it makes sense. It doesn't matter if the divorce happens or not. If it does, it gives you more freedom. However, if he decides to prove himself, after the divorce....you will know by his actions. You can still get back together. You can still get remarried if the miracle occurs. 

It makes sense. As a Christian, I believe in trying to save marriages. I couldn't by myself. My husband was "sick" and couldn't attempt through his actions. I am now divorced. He texts every once in awhile, expressing sadness and apology. He never once showed action. Same ole same ole!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> No sweety, nothing has changed.  I didn't expect it to.
> 
> The last time we split, it was really hard for me because we had spent good moments together as a family (him, me, daughter) and for a while there I felt like we made a mistake, like he should come back. But then I had a chat with him and realized his increased religiousness has become a major issue because he's become close-minded. On top of all the problems we had, that was just one more. As time passed, and I settled into the "new norm", I realized that this was the best decision because it's much more peaceful. Less stress.
> 
> ...


I read your post and see great strength and insight. You appear to honestly want your STBX to be happy and have the life he wants. And you recognize that the happy life you want for him does not include you.

I promise you, no one here considers what you are doing stigmatizing and we won't say negative things about you.
You go girl!


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> But isn't that staying in limbo? This situation started almost 2 years ago and I don't want to drag it out 2 more years. That's 2 years I can spend healing and moving on, instead of hitting the dead horse of our marriage.


Only you can decide that.

I traveled the same road with my wife and found it to be a good time to work through my own issues and grow


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My guess, from your previous threads, is that your culture doesn't generally support women who divorce. It can be very hard to move forward when family and friends don't agree with what you need to do. 

He obviously doesn't want a divorce. How difficult can he make it if you file against his wishes?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded said:


> My guess, from your previous threads, is that your culture doesn't generally support women who divorce. It can be very hard to move forward when family and friends don't agree with what you need to do.
> 
> He obviously doesn't want a divorce. How difficult can he make it if you file against his wishes?


I'm not sure - he could fight for custody which would be emotionally and psychologically very difficult. We'd both lose a lot of money. I'm hoping that doesn't happen and we can be mature and amicable.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

ReturntoZero said:


> Only you can decide that.
> 
> I traveled the same road with my wife and found it to be a good time to work through my own issues and grow


If I compare my posts from late 2014 to my posts now, I'd see a huge difference in how I deal with these issues. Yes, I've grown a lot. I don't know if he has...I truly hope he has.

He called just now and his voice was breaking, asking me if this is really it.  I told him this is just a piece of paper...our physical and emotional divorce already happened months ago. I wish I didn't have to hurt him. But I'm hurting too and so is my daughter. We've been living this reality for a while now, but suddenly making it legal seems devastating.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> I read your post and see great strength and insight. You appear to honestly want your STBX to be happy and have the life he wants. And you recognize that the happy life you want for him does not include you.
> 
> I promise you, no one here considers what you are doing stigmatizing and we won't say negative things about you.
> You go girl!


Thank you Pluto.
I do want him to be happy.
I hope one day I will be too.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Corpuswife said:


> I totally understand the struggles of keeping the family together. Totally. I am all for keeping the family together in the right conditions with two willing participants.
> 
> Two years is a lot of time for this scenario to work itself out. Many people, once the divorce is looming start to doubt their decision. It's a huge one with a child to think about.
> 
> ...


This makes sense.
It's true that we can get married one day if he (by miracle) changes...but that would mean he completely changes his entire outlook on life. And then, he wouldn't be himself...and that's just sad isn't it? He's entitled to be himself and have a life partner who is supportive of it. A wife who doesn't mind being so involved with his family, or them interfering so much.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

He sent me an email pleading with me to reconsider. He says I have to stop disrespecting his family, and we have to try to mend fences.

I'm fuming. I'm so mad! I can literally feel the anger in my chest and my hands. It makes me feel helpless...helpless that he and his family tell people I've disrespected them, without giving any thought to how much they disrespected me. Isn't respect a two way street? I swear, it makes me feel just utterly helpless. 

"We're going to say horrible things to you, try to break up your marriage, exclude you from all family gatherings, talk badly about you, but hey you didn't visit us when we had a newborn child...that's disrespect!"


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> He sent me an email pleading with me to reconsider. He says I have to stop disrespecting his family, and we have to try to mend fences.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Why do you care about what other people think?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You know he hasn't changed. He is still saying the same rhetoric in his last email.

It's painful but the choice has been made.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I hope you remember that anger the next time (and there will be a next time) he starts trying to convince you to reconcile. 

He will never change. But he still does expect you to.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> If I compare my posts from late 2014 to my posts now, I'd see a huge difference in how I deal with these issues. Yes, I've grown a lot. I don't know if he has...I truly hope he has.
> 
> He called just now and his voice was breaking, asking me if this is really it.  I told him this is just a piece of paper...our physical and emotional divorce already happened months ago. I wish I didn't have to hurt him. But I'm hurting too and so is my daughter. We've been living this reality for a while now, but suddenly making it legal seems devastating.


Your not the one hurting him, he is doing that to himself. He is and will continue to not realize his issues and why he needs to change. Very few people would tolerate this weird relationship he has with his family. It's unhealthy.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Your H is simply oblivious. I don't think he'll ever grow up.

And if you don't want him coming back with more hollow requests for reconciliation you might throw in..."and tell your family to go F' themselves. How's that for disrespect?"


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Durga, I don't know. It's a weakness. I'm trying to follow my own true path and ignore negative talk from people, but a part of me still cares a lot.

Honcho, he's told me so many times that I need to change and that I have issues, that I really believe I'm dysfunctional and that I'd be dysfunctional in any new relationship as well.

Tron...lol I'd LOVE to say that...but that'll just prove his point. They're not worth it. They're not worth me getting angry and upset over. I've been reading and watching material about "awareness" and "letting things go" so I feel better much more quickly than I used to.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He does want to try again, on his terms. What could possibly make you think you'll get anything other than what you were getting? 

His daughter apparently doesn't mean enough for him to cleave to his wife. His goal is to convince you he's right. Period. 

If you want what you had then by all means go back.

Or shut him down and let him find a woman willing to put up with him. He might know that's unlikely which is why he uses your daughter to wear you down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Durga, I don't know. It's a weakness. I'm trying to follow my own true path and ignore negative talk from people, but a part of me still cares a lot.
> 
> Honcho, he's told me so many times that I need to change and that I have issues, that I really believe I'm dysfunctional and that I'd be dysfunctional in any new relationship as well.
> 
> Tron...lol I'd LOVE to say that...but that'll just prove his point. They're not worth it. They're not worth me getting angry and upset over. I've been reading and watching material about "awareness" and "letting things go" so I feel better much more quickly than I used to.


Often the most dysfunctional are the ones proclaiming everyone else needs to change and never look at themselves. Your spouse is the poster child for that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

So what's his plan for addressing all of the issues in your marriage?

What -- aside from offering whatever lip service he thinks will get you to halt the divorce -- is he prepared to do to win you back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> So what's his plan for addressing all of the issues in your marriage?
> 
> What -- aside offering whatever lip service he thinks will get you to halt the divorce -- is he prepared to do to win you back?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is the key question.

Why not ask him?


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

ReturntoZero said:


> This is the key question.
> 
> 
> 
> Why not ask him?




Why ask him? Why even talk to him about a relationship when he hasn't shown change?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Hi everyone,

He has done nothing to show he will change. And he does not expect to do anything, instead he's asking me to:
-"stop disrespecting my family" (Never any mention of how disrespectful they've been toward me.)
-"you're a good person, I know you will become more religious as time goes on, on your own terms" (This is after I asked him if he would accept me the way I am, if I told him I would never change and not become more religious than I am.)
-"nobody's expecting you to live with my family, but you can't expect me to stop seeing them" (I have never asked him to stop seeing them, only that he become more independant so we have a chance at a normal marriage.)

Anyway - I put my foot down yesterday and said I won't consider going back to a life of watching him pack up and leave every time we have an argument. So he's accepted that...at least for now. He'll bring it up again but I'll have to say no again.

I'm trying to get us to agree on financial details and custody etc. before I get my lawyer to draft a separation agreement. Which he can then review and consult with his lawyer on. But he sounds mixed up, he's getting legal advice from a priest for heaven's sake, and this process is overwhelming me. I feel so overwhelmed.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> So what's his plan for addressing all of the issues in your marriage?
> 
> What -- aside from offering whatever lip service he thinks will get you to halt the divorce -- is he prepared to do to win you back?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He already dif what everyone thought was unimaginable for him and his family: he moved out of their house and moved in with me. *gasp* What else could I possibly want?! 

He's not going to be willing to do anything more than that.
I'm not sure what to even expect or ask of him...I would expect that he'd be independant, not go to their house at 5am every day, not go to work with his siblings every day, not drive back to their house every day after work, to include me in major family events, to tell his family "this is my wife, please respect her, she's the mother of my child", to allow me to be myself without imposing extra religious activities on me, to not yell so much, to take initiative in our lives and buy a home together without his family interfering, to stay and work things out instead of packing his stuff up and leaving every time.

But he won't do those things. I've asked so many times that I know it's futile.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Orange, very often when men become super religious they go after the parts that preach their wife should be subservient and do what she's told. It's a part of many religions that appeal to a lot of men. 

When you have God's blessing to control and bully your wife that's a huge gift for a guy that's a crappy hb.

Good hb's don't need religion to bully their wife..... they don't need to bully their wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Orange, very often when men become super religious they go after the parts that preach their wife should be subservient and do what she's told. It's a part of many religions that appeal to a lot of men.
> 
> When you have God's blessing to control and bully your wife that's a huge gift for a guy that's a crappy hb.
> 
> ...


That's so true. 
Am I being bullied?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> That's so true.
> Am I being bullied?


I think so. Notice how you, as the wife, need to just respect him and his family and everything would be fine? 

Nobody actually needs to respect you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> I think so. Notice how you, as the wife, need to just respect him and his family and everything would be fine?
> 
> Nobody actually needs to respect you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This makes a lot of sense.
Thank you!

It's been our issue since Day 1. I was always expected to respect him and his family no matter what. When he'd see them disrespecting me, he didn't do anything to stop it or object. But when he saw me eventually react, all hell broke loose.

And I thought he has changed...but he hasn't. Not one bit. Still the same old thing.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Why does he want to get back together? Because he says our daughter tells him she wants us to be together and she's sad.
> 
> For us to be together without resolving serious issues first would be much tougher on our daughter as she'd have to see us argue often. There's no easy way out of this.


A lot of kids think they want their parents together no matter what. But remember the kind of treatment your daughter was witnessing of you at the hands of your STBXH and his family. My parents stayed together. I wish more than anything that they had divorced years ago. They don't even seem to like each other. I would have been a lot happier in retrospect if I hadn't had to listen to years of them yelling at each other and arguing.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

joannacroc said:


> A lot of kids think they want their parents together no matter what. But remember the kind of treatment your daughter was witnessing of you at the hands of your STBXH and his family. My parents stayed together. I wish more than anything that they had divorced years ago. They don't even seem to like each other. I would have been a lot happier in retrospect if I hadn't had to listen to years of them yelling at each other and arguing.


Right? How will you feel if your daughter marries a guy who thinks she needs to kiss his and his family's arse but doesn't think she needs to be respected? 

Mom did it so why shouldn't i? She'll either mimic your behavior or look down on you for putting up with it. 

Please bury this marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

It is also possible he is using the "our daughter wants this" line to try and manipulate you to toe the line. I am truly sorry he didn't change his ways during your reconciliation. You deserve more than this. Your daughter deserves more than this. But there is a reason you split twice. Remember the reason. You owe it to yourself AND your daughter to make a decision. I respect that you want your family together and that divorce is not an easy decision for you. That you love him. But he has not behaved as a loving husband - he hasn't given you the one thing you asked for during your reconciliation. Doesn't that tell you something about what his behaviour is likely to be in the future if you make the decision to reconcile AGAIN?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

joanna, I agree, and no I'm not getting back together with him. For a day there I got weak, and told myself "maybe I should just accept what he has to offer, not expect anything else, and not complain either". But I know I wouldn't be able to do that. It's kind of sad that I thought that, really.

lifeistooshort, I should actually ask him that question. "How would you feel if our daughter was married to someone who expected her to respect him and his family unconditionally, no matter how much they disrespected her?" He'll probably come up with an answer but deep down, it'll resonate with him.

I'm not reasoning with him, or wanting to get back together with him. What I want is to begin healing and move on. I hope he realizes that now...it's much too late for anything else.


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## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Orange
OMG I totally understand what you are struggling with. I have a 5 year old son and honestly that is the hardest part of going through this, that our family is breaking apart. This is all new to me, just started the process about 9 weeks ago and my stbx hasn't moved out yet but we are working on that (we need to get some financial things in place first). And as soon as he is ready to move we will tell our son. I have no idea how he will react or will continue to react in the future. I worry so much about him that I too have thought about staying just for him. But what kind of life is that for me? How would that affect me as a mom (i.e. not feeling loved/happy)? When our son turns 18 and goes off to college then what? This is by far the hardest thing that I have ever done and regularly feel guilty about what this may or may not do to my son. However my stbx didn't even show change when we were trying to work things out, I am the one who has done everything in her power to keep my family together, he hasn't. Then he cheats in January and seems to change overnight into someone I don't even recognize. I have come to realize (most days anyway) that everything that I can do I have done. That I can't take responsibility for his choices and someday when my son is older I can help him to understand. That he is the one that has decided to go down this path and that all I can do now is protect my son, myself, and our future as much as I can so that we are both okay after all the dust settles. But I want you to know that I get that it is so hard and I am sorry that you have been on this roller coaster. Take care of yourself and your daughter the best you can.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

anewstine said:


> Orange
> OMG I totally understand what you are struggling with. I have a 5 year old son and honestly that is the hardest part of going through this, that our family is breaking apart. This is all new to me, just started the process about 9 weeks ago and my stbx hasn't moved out yet but we are working on that (we need to get some financial things in place first). And as soon as he is ready to move we will tell our son. I have no idea how he will react or will continue to react in the future. I worry so much about him that I too have thought about staying just for him. But what kind of life is that for me? How would that affect me as a mom (i.e. not feeling loved/happy)? When our son turns 18 and goes off to college then what? This is by far the hardest thing that I have ever done and regularly feel guilty about what this may or may not do to my son. However my stbx didn't even show change when we were trying to work things out, I am the one who has done everything in her power to keep my family together, he hasn't. Then he cheats in January and seems to change overnight into someone I don't even recognize. I have come to realize (most days anyway) that everything that I can do I have done. That I can't take responsibility for his choices and someday when my son is older I can help him to understand. That he is the one that has decided to go down this path and that all I can do now is protect my son, myself, and our future as much as I can so that we are both okay after all the dust settles. But I want you to know that I get that it is so hard and I am sorry that you have been on this roller coaster. Take care of yourself and your daughter the best you can.


I'm sorry you are going through this as well...thank you for your kind words. The most we can do is take care of ourselves and our kids as best possible, and also not expose them to the turmoil and drama of a marital split. I also hug her and listen to her whenever she tells me she's sad or misses her dad. I've noticed lately she's been telling ME how much she loves and misses me...so that makes me happy. To know she loves me that much.

Like I said before, there are times I get weak and think "maybe I should just take what I can get, accept what he offers and not complain about the rest". But I can only do that when I'm feeling really "aware" and patient...which isn't always the case! So it would be more resentment and arguments and we'd end up separated again. Just not a good scenario for any of us.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Update: I'm moving in June. Right now I'm renting a condo, but I have another property that I bought pre-marriage (with my sister) and we had been renting it out to tenants. Tenants told us they're leaving, so I'm moving in.

It's a big house, I didn't plan on moving at all and now I've made the decision to move in 2 months. Everything is happening so fast.

Yesterday my ex texted me saying "I miss you and our daughter". I told him I miss you too, but we aren't getting back together, I can't be who you want me to be, and I can't continue being marginalized.

On the one hand I should be excited about moving. On the other hand I'm devastated that my marriage really is over. It's like a loved one being terminally ill...you know they're going to die. But when they actually pass away, you're still so upset and sad. That's how I feel. I truly hope I'm making the right decision...to divorce, to move into the house, to raise my daughter on my own. I'm scared. Sometimes I don't recognize my own life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think your move is a great idea! It's the right thing for you and your daughter. 

I know that feeling you're having. I had it when I was in the process of ending my 45 year marriage. I had never been on my own and wasn't sure what my life would be like going forward. And I wondered if I was making the right decision. It didn't take long to realize that I did make the right decision and I'm very happy I finally took charge of my life. 

You'll get to that place of peace too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course you should move. If he ever wanted to fix himself to become decent marriage material, he can. And then come back and see if you're still interested. But it will never happen while you just sit around and wait for him.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded said:


> I think your move is a great idea! It's the right thing for you and your daughter.
> 
> I know that feeling you're having. I had it when I was in the process of ending my 45 year marriage. I had never been on my own and wasn't sure what my life would be like going forward. And I wondered if I was making the right decision. It didn't take long to realize that I did make the right decision and I'm very happy I finally took charge of my life.
> 
> You'll get to that place of peace too.


Thank you, I hope I do as well.

I'm nervous and emotional about moving. I didn't plan to move so it seems all-of-a-sudden...but I have a couple months to prepare. I'm emotional because this condo (even though I'm renting it) really was my first place on my own, it has a lot of sentimental value to me. Of course I knew we wouldn't live here forever...but I'm still sad to leave.

I'm nervous because the house is not just mine, my sister and Dad are invested in it too. We had bought it years ago before I was engaged/married. And my Dad is really controlling (at least he tries to be) especially with finances and sometimes uncooperative...I have to repaint it and I'm not looking forward to all the comments about "you paid way too much for the paint job". In my condo I controlled all my finances without interference, in the house he's going to feel like he has more of a say, which I'm not too happy about. And no we aren't selling and I'm not buying him out, at least not any time soon. So basically I have to set up limits and boundaries with him. I had this looooong discussion with him a couple days ago, where I told him to not interfere with my life or my management of the home while I'm living in it and paying the mortgage. My Dad suffers from mental health issues that have been undiagnosed his whole life (he gets angry really quickly and feels like he's entitled to a lot of things, and holds grudges, narcissistic)...I tell myself to deal with any potential situation when it actually arises and not before hand. Unnecessary worrying. He might surprise me and help out a lot more than he criticizes. He was a huge help when I moved into my condo.

If there's any positive thing this whole separation and divorce process has taught me, it's that all the time I spent fretting, worrying, agonizing over everything was pointless...because that only made me super stressed out and sick and never helped the situation. So this is a good opportunity to put those "lessons learned" in to practice, and not stress.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You've come a long way in a short time!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Good for you. Time to put this marriage to rest and move on with your life. You have many great things waiting on you to happen. I hope you file soon. You have been prolonging this divorce. You gave it your best shot, it did not work. Nothing else to do. 

Good luck with the moving.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So basically, your dad taught you to expect and accept poor treatment from men. Good that you're finally moving away from that toxic model.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded and brooklynAnn, thank you.  It's been a long journey. I've interviewed lawyers and spoken to my ex about finalizing the divorce. He's been stalling, and asking me to reconsider, but that chapter of our lives is over now. 

turnera, My parents were and are very flawed people. Growing up, I always wanted a relationship VERY UNLIKE my parents...where Dad controlled Mom and Mom was the martyr. I often mention to my parents how my conditioning as a child (to stay quiet, respect elders, be "nice" all the time, don't talk back) made me suffer intensely during my marriage and interactions with in-laws. My poor choices were a result of my conditioning, and theirs are a result of their conditioning. The point of life, I'm starting to realize, is to break away from our conditioning, realize it's not all true, and establish a new framework based on the facts of life and what would result in the most inner peace.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You can be the one to break this cycle of men controlling and women martyring.

If you continue with your hb your daughter will quite possibly follow the same path, unless she decides to be the one to break the cycle. 

But it's a burden she doesn't have to shoulder if you do what needs to be done. 

Remember the saying "if not me then who"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> You can be the one to break this cycle of men controlling and women martyring.
> 
> If you continue with your hb your daughter will quite possibly follow the same path, unless she decides to be the one to break the cycle.
> 
> ...


I did break the cycle, I have been breaking the cycle.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I did break the cycle, I have been breaking the cycle.


Of course, I just wanted you to remember that. 

I did the same thing. .... there was a cycle of abuse in my family and I broke it. 

My kids Are not subject to what I and others before them were.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Of course, I just wanted you to remember that.
> 
> I did the same thing. .... there was a cycle of abuse in my family and I broke it.
> 
> ...


Absolutely...

Strangely enough, when I left my husband, my Dad supported me 100% and insisted I don't take any crap. Whereas my mom, multiple times, told me to go back and that they'll change. I had many arguments with her. I told her I would not be a martyr like she was, that I'm not a carpet, I'm a human being.

Thank God those days are over. It was hard. I can literally, literally feel right now in my body, how much more relaxed I am, like there isn't this huge burden on me, like I'm not stumbling around my life trapped in a cage of stress. I feel like I'm beginning to wake up from a really bad dream. Oh there will be triggers, of course, and down times...but generally, I feel much healthier.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

That being said, I'm very sensitive to my Dad's moods (always have been) and he can be very hurtful. You can't divorce your family. He'll say something to really upset me and I won't talk to him for a week, then we make up, until the next time he says something hurtful. 

I'll need a whole other round of counselling for that, in time. lol


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I divorced my dad.

When his wife did something horrible to my H and me, and he then defended her and told me it was all my fault, that I was a terrible mother, I cut him AND her out of our lives. He knew why.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

turnera said:


> I divorced my dad.
> 
> When his wife did something horrible to my H and me, and he then defended her and told me it was all my fault, that I was a terrible mother, I cut him AND her out of our lives. He knew why.


I'm very sorry to hear that.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

aine said:


> OP, do not let your heart overrule your head in this matter. Think back to all the stuff that has gone on between you, he has never put you before his family and his own wants. Has he gone to counselling or tried in any way to be a better person, I think the answer is 'no'. Therefore what makes you think it would better the third time?
> 
> Your daughter is now in a stable environment, let it be, and move on with your life. He did nothing to change or win you back, let him go and get that divorce.


Yeah. What @aine said.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And losing control over you makes him think he wants you more. But absolutely nothing has changed other than his views on women may have changed for the worse where you're concerned. If you are back together you will have the exact same situation as before and he will know he can separate and have you back any time with a hug and a sob story so he'll most likely be an even worse husband, not better.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> Yeah. What @aine said.
> 
> Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And losing control over you makes him think he wants you more. But absolutely nothing has changed other than his views on women may have changed for the worse where you're concerned. If you are back together you will have the exact same situation as before and he will know he can separate and have you back any time with a hug and a sob story so he'll most likely be an even worse husband, not better.


Good point.

Us getting back together would not work, if for no other reason then simply because I am not going to put up with all the problems we have. I'd make life miserable for him and ultimately I don't want that for him, myself or our daughter.

I know that marriage is about working through problems, making compromises etc. but I don't want to do that for him and his family any more. It's simply too late to go back to that.

I'm interested to see what life holds in store going forward.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> But isn't that staying in limbo? This situation started almost 2 years ago and I don't want to drag it out 2 more years. That's 2 years I can spend healing and moving on, instead of hitting the dead horse of our marriage.


This says it all. You do not want to drag this thing on for another 2 years. You know it is wishful thinking that the marriage can be resurrected. It cannot....be.

But YOU can be....you have already started the process and he is in the way. 

Divorce is not the "end all" for people. It is a big bump, it may blow out a tire in your life's journey. Tires can be fixed. 

The journey can be re-directed to a smooth road. 

Do this for yourself and your daughter. 

Get divorced. Have minimal contact with this man.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Orange, I got really nervous when I saw your thread title! I am so happy to read that you chose not to go back with him! I am really happy for you that you found this strength.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

3xnocharm, thank you, I know you've been warning me not to get back together with him all along.

SunCMars, thanks for putting it that way. The marriage cannot be resurrected but I can be. Before, the hardest struggle was getting to a point where I stood firm in my resolve not to try reconciling again, basically I was grieving the end of my marriage. I still am but I've accepted it. Right now the hardest part is knowing my relatives and acquaintances are talking badly about me. The stigma around divorce. I feel like most of the men see me as a threat, and most of the women are staying away from me because they know their husbands see me as a threat to their marriages. I say, if you treat your wife right then why should you feel threatened by MY divorce that has nothing to do with you? 

There are two weddings coming up, all my relatives will be there, asking me how my life is etc. I'll tell them my life is great (it is) and that I respect and care for my ex (I do) and we've moved on, so should everybody else. 

Also most people will not be happy for me moving into a house of my own, I've gotten some insensitive comments so far like "what are you going to do in a big house all to yourself?" UH, raise my child and live a peaceful happy life?! What do you do in your home??"

I've also realized that my husband asking me to reconsider is only lip-service, his actions speak differently. Aside from praying for us to get back together, he hasn't done much. Actions speak louder than words.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just because you know these people doesn't mean you have to choose to be around them. Find better people to be around.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When at the weddings, find that one relative who is only there for the eats. We all have one. Chances are she won't even remember your name. How do I know it will be a woman? Because a man would rather go hungry than hang out with relatives he doesn't like.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> When at the weddings, find that one relative who is only there for the eats. We all have one. Chances are she won't even remember your name. How do I know it will be a woman? Because a man would rather go hungry than hang out with relatives he doesn't like.


This was a strange response!
I don't hang around relatives I don't like, it's my cousin's wedding and of course I would attend.
I don't plan on sitting next to any busybodies and chatting away, but busybodies have a way of scoping out people. I know how to handle it - by telling people it's private and changing the subject.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sorry, didn't mean to offend. It seemed that you weren't looking forward to being around the relatives who are talking about you. Your way of handling it is perfect. Good luck with your life after divorce.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Sorry, didn't mean to offend. It seemed that you weren't looking forward to being around the relatives who are talking about you. Your way of handling it is perfect. Good luck with your life after divorce.


It's OK, sorry for being snappy. I guess I misunderstood your post.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

sapientia said:


> That line about "think of the kids" is a guilt trip. You should be disgusted he tried this on you.
> 
> Either your marriage relationship has merit on its own to make it work or it doesn't. You and your daughter won't be alone forever. Many divorced people with kids remarry.
> 
> Make your decision based on 10 years from now, not today. Imagine the future and whether or not you see it together. If not, cut the cord as quickly and reasonably as possible.


Thank you, good points.
Also as more and more time passes, he loses more of his credibility with me. So saying things like, "I love you, think of our daughter" doesn't affect me as strongly.

During our reconciliation phase of 3 months, I was not a very good wife to him. I was resentful and controlling. Our marriage was so damaged, and his behaviour had not changed. I hope he's able to find a lifelong partner he can start over with, and stay together with in long-term happiness.

Lately I can see my daughter is much happier, more peaceful, and accepting of our new routine. She rarely ever tells me she misses Mommy-Daddy. I'd say she's one of the happiest kids I know...thank God. It took a few months but we got here.


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