# Don't bother trying to get closure



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I posted in another thread that I was still experiencing trust issues from my first marriage in my current one. My wife has never done a thing to give me reason to mistrust but I was still dealing with issues from my ex. She suggested to me that I contact my first wife to try to get closure. Her reasoning was that I needed to put it all behind me in order to move on. If anyone recalls my ex told me after several affairs that if I were man enough to keep her she never would have cheated.

Well, after debating for several weeks I decided to reach out and contact my ex. I knew how to get hold of her since I still had friends that kept in contact. I think I can finally put all that behind me now. Her life is in total shambles. She has gone through men like a hot knife through butter. She has gained lots of weight and looks like hell. And she is not remorseful or sorry at all. She still maintains that everything that happened was my fault. She now also blames her current life on the fact that she chose to marry me and everything went downhill from there. She takes no responsibility for her actions and told me she hates me more now than when she was [email protected] around behind my back.

Yup, I can put it all behind me because now any doubts that I had are gone. She is a total screw up and probably always has been. My only fault was that I loved her too much to see it. So anyone out there that has doubts and wants to go back to try to fix what is broken...don't bother. There is a reason they are ex wives and ex husbands. And its not our faults that they are cluster [email protected] Our only fault is that we didn't see it before we said "I do."

And to all those that are reconciling, even though your spouses did the worst thing possible please appreciate their remorse and the hard work they are willing to do to try to repair the damage. It takes a strong and quality person to look in the mirror and see things for what they really are. So many do not and will forever wallow in self pity even though they are the cause of their own misery. My wife is a special woman to recognize that I was still dealing with a trust issue from my first marriage. She is extremely courageous and loving to encourage me to try to find closure. I now realize that when my ex said that I wasn't man enough to keep her what she really meant was that I was man enough to know when to send her packing so I could find someone woman enough to appreciate me.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Sounds like my ex except I think mine's missed more than a few meals since the last stud dumped her. I'm surprised she didn't hit you up for some money since these kinds of women always hold it in the highest regard.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

bfree said:


> And she is not remorseful or sorry at all. She still maintains that everything that happened was my fault. She now also blames her current life on the fact that she chose to marry me and everything went downhill from there. She takes no responsibility for her actions and told me she hates me more now than when she was [email protected] around behind my back.
> 
> Yup, I can put it all behind me because now any doubts that I had are gone. She is a total screw up and probably always has been. My only fault was that I loved her too much to see it. So anyone out there that has doubts and wants to go back to try to fix what is broken...don't bother. There is a reason they are ex wives and ex husbands. And its not our faults that they are cluster [email protected] Our only fault is that we didn't see it before we said "I do."
> 
> And to all those that are reconciling, even though your spouses did the worst thing possible please appreciate their remorse and the hard work they are willing to do to try to repair the damage. It takes a strong and quality person to look in the mirror and see things for what they really are. So many do not and will forever wallow in self pity even though they are the cause of their own misery. My wife is a special woman to recognize that I was still dealing with a trust issue from my first marriage. She is extremely courageous and loving to encourage me to try to find closure. I now realize that when my ex said that I wasn't man enough to keep her what she really meant was that I was man enough to know when to send her packing so I could find someone woman enough to appreciate me.


bfree,

It was the Reconciliation thread where you posted that you were thinking about trying to get some closure from your ex-wife. When I saw the title of your thread it concerned me, but after reading your post I feel so much better for you. YOU DID IT!!! You got your closure. It may not have been what you had anticipated to be "closure" but you got it, none-the-less. I think that most people think of closure as forgiveness, acceptance or some otherwise happy ending to an unpleasant situation. But, in reality, it is more of a coming to terms with knowing that you did your best and that you did the right thing.... or if you were the one who hurt someone else that you made an attempt to apologize and/or make amends. 

The fact that your ex-wife screwed up and chooses to remain bitter and screwed up, while still blaming you for every thing that has ever gone wrong in her life..... even though you have been out of it for quite some time,  should give you all of the proof you need to know that her problems were all of her own making.

And, wow, you now have a wonderful wife who loves you so much (says a lot about both of you) that she lovingly and generously offered for you to have the opportunity to seek that "closure" that she knew you needed. I think your meeting with your ex-wife was "closure." You loved her, she cheated on you and then blamed you for all of it.... Now, years later she still remains angry and bitter..... must suck to be her.

When I began to read the paragraph that you wrote about those in reconciliation, I started to brace myself for what I thought would be the inevitable "don't bother, it's not worth it spiel," then I saw your words_ "even though your spouses did the worst thing possible please appreciate their remorse and the hard work they are willing to do to try to repair the damage. It takes a strong and quality person to look in the mirror and see things for what they really are.,"_ I smiled. You, my friend, have made it. You have healed, you *have* closure (maybe not what you expected, but the knowledge that you did the right thing and are in a much better place) and you have a wonderful wife that you love and who loves you dearly. This is reconciliation..... it is reconciliation within yourself.

I am so happy for you, bfree! 

Take Care,
EI (formerly, Empty Inside)


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

bfree,

I saw you post in another thread and followed it back to here.
You have a very special story to tell, I respect how you have handeled this.

And your current wife-wow-what a special woman to support you this way. You made a much better choice this time, good for you!

Take care!


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

EI said:


> bfree,
> 
> It was the Reconciliation thread where you posted that you were thinking about trying to get some closure from your ex-wife. When I saw the title of your thread it concerned me, but after reading your post I feel so much better for you. YOU DID IT!!! You got your closure. It may not have been what you had anticipated to be "closure" but you got it, none-the-less. I think that most people think of closure as forgiveness, acceptance or some otherwise happy ending to an unpleasant situation. But, in reality, it is more of a coming to terms with knowing that you did your best and that you did the right thing.... or if you were the one who hurt someone else that you made an attempt to apologize and/or make amends.
> 
> ...


I think I must have missed this post when you made it. Thank you EI, I guess in a way I did get closure. You're correct, it is not forgiveness but acceptance. And I mean it when I say that most people would avoid facing up to what they have done. It does take a special person to find the courage to look in the mirror and see things for how they really are. My ex was and still is a coward. You, CM, CSS, and all the other former WS on TAM have my geniune respect and admiration for how you have dealt with the situations you find yourselves in. Sometimes I am in awe when reading posts by both WS and BS that are actively pursuing R. Its miraculous in many ways and gives me hope that maybe someday my ex will wake up and put her life back together. I don't hate her anymore and the part of me that once loved her is very sad.


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