# Wifey spelled it out for me...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Great, she took my throne while I'm not looking -.-
So I came home minding my own business, grabbed a beer, but instead we had a sit down. Well at least she let me finish the beer =/
Anyways, we seemed to have compiled together a list of changes to "break our routine" starting this xmas, and to make it a start to get back to where we were all those years ago. To be honest, I'm a bit impressed by her initiative, so I'll let her keep that throne... for now.

Anyways here's the list somewhat... just the main ones I remembered from last night...

1) Time together / apart

So it seems she wants me to at least make some effort to spend time with her and talk to her. And I want her to stop going off at me having my time in my mancave. Our compromise after a while was that, she will respect my space but I must commit to make an effort in spending time with her, helping her cook (and stop complaining when it's shat), and to never let her fall asleep alone nor crawl off in the middle of the night. And henceforth she reserves the right to pull me off my chair to bed if it gets late or if she's tired -.-

And I must brush my teeth and have a few mints prior to coming to bed if I've been drinking. That's fair I guess. Though... I guess I should buy her an espresso machine if I want to stay up.

2) Sex

The same old BS, meh... she wants more intimacy and commitment from me, twice a day. I swear... seriously, I'm having enough of this. Well at least it's a drop from 3x, while I've been happy so far with 3 to 4x a week so I get a few days off. Our compromise is once every day and if missed, I will make it up to her the next day. But she has agreed to never demand more, and will try to toy around instead of just getting down to business all the time. We'll see how it goes... but I already owe her two tomorrow 

One in a few hours as I woke up early >.<

This constant old issue is like a see-saw and I swear I thought I had it solved already! Oh well, I just keep reminding myself, this is for her, this is for her, for making it a good xmas, next year I'll switch it back.

3) Public respect / Game rules

And so in her opinion, when she talks to others, or even with other guys, and when I come "claim" her
- She directs her affection towards me
- She shows her pride when introducing me, and makes it a 3 way conversation

However, she feels that when I talk to women, and when she comes to "claim" me, I ignore her in the conversation, and make it two way. Well looking back, guess she's right in that. I can own up to that one, and I agree that I need to straighten up in this.

4) No more games against each other

We both know we play games with each other, and she wants to restrict the games to fun ones instead of selfish manipulations and dishonesty. I may have hurt her in this however, telling her that I don't trust her not to play games but she responded by telling me the feeling is mutual.

She reminded me of what I said how much I wanted things to go back to the way it was during our "honeymoon" period and she admits she feels the same way too, but then tells me that I've done nothing to encourage her to be like that anymore. She told me that she can't lower her guard anymore then I can when she feels threatened. It's a bit of a stand off but meh, we'll see how it goes...

5) Conflict resolution

She reopened an old rule that I pretty much abandoned years ago - to never leave issues overnight. She promises to stop pushing me away and acting like nothing is wrong if I come to her and talk with her about it. I don't trust her in this, but we'll see.

Personally I find in some area's it's a little one-sided for her benefit, but I admit a part of me really liked her initiative to the point I didn't exactly want to pop her bubble and discourage further such straight-up talks. I don't know... what you think?


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

I think all relationships thrive on compromise and respect and if she sees that you are making an effort to accomodate some of the things that make her feel loved and respected she in turn will show you the same...it's a win/win. I have to smile a little at section 2)- the list of sex demands. Your wife and I seem to have that in common...I never get enough and the more I get the more I want, my poor husband is worn out.


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## nicole8125 (Nov 17, 2011)

lol, it must b a female thing, cuz i hate 2 admit this, but i can NEVER get enough of my man, i would never admit that 2 him cuz i wouldnt want him thinking omg what the hell do i have on my hands? lol but on a serious note, i love being able 2 give all of myself 2 the man i love!!! i wish it was more often though!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Meh, a part of me feels like a man-slave again really. Oh well, halfway done with duty, off to work soon (to do nothing again)


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Random Dude... are you my husband incognito? Seriously, Im not joking. I have read your posts before and thought this, but wow.

It seems you are at a stalemate like me and my husband were (kinda still are, I posted this morning about it). She wants more of a relationship/connection with you and you seem to want your own space with no hassles, going to her when you want to. Im wondering if your wife has ever said to you... why dont you just be single and hire a prostitute to come in when you feel the urge for sex. Im not condemning you at all, just gasping bc it is so similar to my situation... except I dont think you fight like we do here. I hope your wife isnt having someone on the side like I did, bc the ingredients are right for her to. Dont ever assume that it wont happen, or cant happen, or that she isnt thinking about it. It can, and it does out of sheer loneliness and rejection. Some women do it for revenge, some do it bc they want their man to fight for the marriage, but others just bc they dont view marriage as a place to just live in the same house with a man and have their own caves. Just sayin to be careful.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Actually I've always hoped she would cheat on me. Read:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/36311-infidelity-bf-gf-vs-hubby-wifey.html

I've even offered it to her (and she slaps me up silly everytime). As for sex with other guys (and girls), in her past before I met her, she's had sex with more people then even I did as a player. We both had f--ked up pasts. It's not something she's proud of, but what she's proud of is who she is now. 

Sometimes when we're alone I also liked her to tell me stories of her adventures, it really turns me on really, she's great with her words. But it unfortunately makes her feel sick and after she cried about it we've stopped.

I also know she's fully capable of seperating with me too if I make zero effort or if things are stagnant. When it comes to seperation however ironically our fights are our saving grace because there's always progress made (though some issues are like one of those "hit me" popup machines at the fair) with our makeups.

Our marriage isn't like we don't touch each other for months or don't talk at all, it's more of a rollercoaster when seen in the big picture, we fight alot yes, but we also makeup alot. She also has a side of hers that thinks she should "get what I want, when I want it".

She knows what she wants and won't accept any less, and if she doesn't get it, she will manipulate or fight with me about it until she gets it; such as sex or my time. This year has been a see-saw however with our issues, I've been a nice guy for years then she decided to be a nice gal this year and now it seems we're starting to find some balance.

Unfortunately finding the balance is very difficult, she doesn't make it very easy on me with her stubborness, pride, demands, refusal to outsource, manipulative behaviour, and constant usage of her moral high ground. Look at how she managed to get me to print out the threads I wrote on this forum for example, she used her consistent tranparency as an example that she has nothing to hide.

I'm not a trusting person, but nor can I DIStrust someone so blindly when the facts are there. She's simply not the type, and I've given up trying to get her to cheat.


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## Bo_Hunter (Dec 1, 2011)

I wish my wife put half this much effort into our marriage.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> Actually I've always hoped she would cheat on me. Read:
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/36311-infidelity-bf-gf-vs-hubby-wifey.html
> 
> I've even offered it to her (and she slaps me up silly everytime). As for sex with other guys (and girls), in her past before I met her, she's had sex with more people then even I did as a player. We both had f--ked up pasts. It's not something she's proud of, but what she's proud of is who she is now.
> ...


Ok, wow... I rephrase my last comment to can you be my husband incognito? Pretty please? Someone who is comfortable enough to admit not being enough sexually and saying ok... go get it bc I trust you will come back to me. I think you trust more than you know if you are able to feel this way. Id be more than happy to share my cheating moments... Dear Playboy, I was reading a magazine in a field of flowers and a man snuck up behind me and without saying a word, lifted my skirt and........oh, it was fun I knew this man in the story, obviously... or Im lucky I didnt get murdered on site in a place no one would find me for a week (thats about how often the place mows that tall grassy field)... Husband would never do that And he is ok with letting me die not having the experiences I fantasized about... little does he know that i have done some since he wouldnt. hey, he got to do ALL his fantasies, bc I was willing.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well the missus has fantasies, so do I. Personally sometimes I even dream of having some orgy fun with her and our mates, and I still have a very strong exhibitionist side to me. Still remember the one time we did a nude photo shoot together and hell I had to excuse myself after watching her pose nude in front of someone else lol

However, she's a been-there-done-that type of woman, and wants to settle down. Her fantasies include breaking me, and it seems she's always trying to break me someway or another, as I tend to have a hardened heart at times. One fantasy she already forfilled without my consent and that was sexual torture and rape, making me ban cuffs and restraints for years, now she wants me to trust her again - yet she tells me she has this fantasy of doing me up my butt.

I've asked her to outsource, she hit me. Then I asked her why didn't she do it when she was younger if she liked it so much and she tells me that she only developed it with me... =/ (which is disturbing, apparently she has this side of hers which makes her want to break spirits, she will never break mine however) So we're at a stalemate in fantasies, I won't let her ram me up my ass nor will she f--k someone else.

She was better however when we first met, we f--ked in front of others and had them cheering us on even lol. But now she's a good girl since marriage bah! No fun 

Also... to be honest though, one reason I do not really enjoy sex with her is the routine. Without a tease or buildup it's meh to me. She seems perfectly fine with having me despite me trying to get away especially in the mornings when I have to work. Sure, we don't have to do exhibitionism or sharing each other with others, but she can at least give me a tease (and so far she's promised she will try... but after both sessions today, meh)

But hell if we go out and if she just wears no panties and lets me show her off hell I'll be willing to go back to f--king her 21x a week.


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## nicole8125 (Nov 17, 2011)

that last comment about u showing her off, um what the hell???? u seem like u have 0 respet 4 her. or maybe i took it the wrong way? i would NEVER b willing 2 share what is mine, NEVER!! maybe cuz i am jealous or selfish when it mesto him, but i gues it is what it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes, that's how the missus feels too about exhibitionism/sharing, so it's just fantasies now, and it's just the same as her violating me - it won't happen, and we're on that stalemate.

I don't need to rely on just fantasies however, I can, and have relied on pure exclusive sex with my wife, however... I believe in the quality of the sessions, to drive her mad in estasy. But I can't do it all the time, and personally I don't know why she even prefers half-ass f--ks as unlike me - she prefers quantity.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> 2) Sex
> 
> The same old BS, meh... she wants more intimacy and commitment from me, *twice a day*. I swear... seriously, I'm having enough of this. *Well at least it's a drop from 3x.*..


In my DREAMS!!! My wife hasn't wanted it 3 times in my ENTIRE MARRIAGE!!!!


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

RD: couple things... what is meh?

Based on your posts, it could be that your wife wants quantity simply bc other quality time with you is futile. Let me try to explain this bc I was there for a long time with my husband... and he was not surprisingly like you only worse for a while there. Lets see... when husband and I got married he cut out not only the sex, but contacting each other during the day was off limits, general happy to see you at the end of the day was gone, any positive quality time instances were gone and I couldnt seem to get them back. So, I thought Ill make it really simple... he can have all that alone time if he just gets down to business and has sex, any sex with me more frequently. It backfired bc he took it as me being clingy or needy, rather than trying to make a fair trade with him. SO for 2 years the pattern was, he was resisting and I was convincing. So then, I recently started posting here again and saw things in a new way and got pissed off at the imbalance I had contributed to, and seeing that my convincing mode was pushing him further away (bc he had turned cold and I was hot). So now its getting there slowly... but for a while I only wanted quantity bc to me it was a fair trade off for accepting his non-interest in spending any amount of time together having fun or generally just being happy to see me! Maybe your wife is in that place and she has convinced herself that is all she can get from you and "its ok" as long as you do AT LEAST the quickest of sex with her. If my husband had done the trade, I would have felt that he was meeting my needs in (sadly) the best and only way he was capable of anymore... but it would have been ok with me bc I had established it as the minimum requirement for me to define us as a married unit. Anything less than that in my mind at the time was defined as us essentially not having a marriage... which is how I was able to go out and cheat... he was comunicating loud and clear that he was ok with us not being defined as a marital unit... essentially he was breaking our vows so it was ok for me to. Thats why I stopped the affair (I have trouble calling it an affair bc there was no relationship... 2 like minded people sharing a common interest for a month and a half is more like a fling) when he started having sex with me and participating in the fair trade... making us a marital unit again. 

I dunno, maybe what your wife thinks? It made my husband feel like the only thing he was good for was sex... at THAT time bc of all his other behavior... yep, pretty much was true. I wish he could have thought of it differently like... damn, Im that good that she wants me for sex.... Im sexy and I know it!!! WOuld have made him even hotter than he already is 

Have you tried just banging her for like a month to see if there is any shift in how you are with each other? Thats one thing I begged for... "please just have sex with me everyday for a month to get it out of my system!" It would have done wonders for us... if you have tried this, let me know.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well toolate, that actually makes a lot of sense =/
But for us non-sexual quality time still results in sex, and I guess that's another reason I'm become a little withdrawn because her drive still frightens me somewhat.

I already plan to live up to my part in making this xmas a good one, so I'll be kissing her ass until next year. My counsellor also told me that I shouldn't push it for changes too fast too. But in any case, I'll be performing the everyday duty all through the holidays so guess we'll see how it goes.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> Well toolate, that actually makes a lot of sense =/
> But for us non-sexual quality time still results in sex, and I guess that's another reason I'm become a little withdrawn because her drive still frightens me somewhat.
> 
> I already plan to live up to my part in making this xmas a good one, so I'll be kissing her ass until next year. My counsellor also told me that I shouldn't push it for changes too fast too. But in any case, I'll be performing the everyday duty all through the holidays so guess we'll see how it goes.


Of course non-sexual quality time results in sex... especially right now. You will be kissing her ass... OMG, I swear you are my husband... he thinks being nice to me treating me like other husbands treat wives they love or want to get sex from... is kissing my ass... verbatum he says that! I say, do you know how many guys would want to have sex with me and feel lucky that I want to have sex them every night? SO I guess you and my husband are alike on that one too... you see it as a chore or a burden instead of a lucky hand at life to have women who want you.

Your wife is lucky you will have sex with her everyday, even if it is short term. My thinking is, in a few more years (Im "over 40") my drive is going to go down anyway and I dont want to go into dry years not having done all the things I wanted sexually... before I cant anymore ...dryness hurts like heck guys and Im fortunate to not have that yet (although I did briefly once bc of the pill... ughh. Honestly, before I met my husband, I didnt even know what I what I was missing out on all those years!!! I had a sexless marriage that I was fine with bc my ex had ed and I had young children. Now that I know bc this hubby introduced me to it, I want to experience it!

Maybe your wife is sending off the angry vibe I had been for a long time, which probably doesnt help your desire for her?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm extremely spoiled that's my problem, and even conceited when it comes to women. And I've always been attracted to those I could not get, during my early years I struggled but eventually got good at it to the point I even enjoy the chase and the wooing.

Another problem with me is that sometimes when she's rather easy I even start a problem so that I could fix it and win my way back into her good graces, then spoil her without fear of spoiling her. The game is still a hobby, hence I contribute greatly to our "rollercoaster".

All I've really wanted all this years - and I've told my wife that, is acknowledge that my buttons for sex are different and just as I had to learn hers she could at least put some effort in learning mine instead of just thinking "I'm hot, everybody wants me, my husband should too, if he doesn't he has issues". But then again, she knows my buttons very well...

But she doesn't seem to bother with them. I hurt her the other day when I told her honestly that her recent attempts at teases have been rather meh. And she reckons I'm being impossible. But I've told her so many times but she's just too stubborn to listen.

All it takes sometimes is for her to invite me to come "conquer" so to speak, some days tell me no, other days tell me she's not in the mood while she teases me endlessly, and other days express how horny she is but that "we shouldn't". It may seem meaningless but this is what builds my attraction.

One of her best teases was straight after a 12 hour shift and during dinner she wore nothing but a long t-shirt, nothing underneath, then sat down our glass table and continued switching her legs over each other teasing me. I simply could not finish dinner. Sure I may be a conceited and unappreciative bastard but I'm still a man with desires and I simply could not resist her.

Even better was how she still "resisted" me by giggling and pushing my hands away, pulling her shirt down and telling me I should finish dinner with her first. I couldn't take it anymore, picked her up on my shoulder and took her upstairs.

That's ALL it takes!!!! 
Is it just SO MUCH TO ASK?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lying back and just hoping it gets done asap doesn't work on the missus, she starts complaining I'm not doing anything. Also in the past, the missus didn't to stop even once she gets sore, nor did she let me stop even if I get blueballs.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

:rofl: "empty his balls". that's my new tagline for sex.....:rofl: Come on, Hubs! Let's go empty your balls!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes and I thought it was her insecurity too, earlier this year we worked through it but then she resented me silently, it's her "love language" it seems. Which means even if I spend time with her, flirt with her, reassure her, if I don't make love to her, she still won't feel loved. So we went back and forth and now we're back to square one almost - at least it's only 1x a day now, even though if I miss a session I have to make up.

This is the reason why I believe and accused her of clinging onto her past issues and refusing to seek help, I didn't make such an accusation lightly, but meh, I don't want to push it while I'm still bound by the promise I made this xmas. Sex got more and more tiring over the years as her standards grew everytime I did spoil her as well. She uses it against me from time to time like when we are on holidays I do become more romantic and sexual - less things on my mind - but once we are at home she gets annoyed if it doesn't continue and considers it "withdrawal".


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