# My wife says she's leaving...



## ivebenblind (Jul 12, 2008)

I'm new here and need help desperately. My wife is tired of me and says she's done. We've argued before and she's said the same thing before, but I know this time it's probably the final straw... But, I can't quit, I love her too much. We've been married almost 11 years and have 3 great kids.

I've made promises before to change and haven't kept them. I've been a procrastinator and she hasn't been getting the appreciation she really deserves from. Special occasions, birthdays, etc have gone by without me 'really' providing much in the way of special attention. 

I asked if she would go to counseling with me and she says she'll go to a couple sessions and that's it. What is lacking is passion and romance (from me) and she feels I don't care. My intentions have always been good, but you know what they say about intentions.... I just have failed in the delivery.

I need to get off my rear and show her what she really means to me. I'm feeling like a real horses ass, which is the least I deserve. 

Is there anyone that has been in my position and turned this around? I really need help, I feel I still have the slightest sliver of a chance, but my thoughts have been so cluttered, I wouldn't know a good idea if it slapped me in the face. Any ideas?


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## Missy (Jul 11, 2008)

You cant procrastinate in marriage. this is what has caused the issue. Counseling is a good start, but you really need to show her you are serious. Actions speak louder than words. My husband and I have fallen into ruts and the daily routine. I mean with jobs, kids, activities, chores often times we forget why we fell in love. It starts simple enough. Plan a date for just the two of you. Get a babysitter if needed and take her out. It doesnt have to be anything fancy you could take her to a nice place that you can sit for hours and talk. Have prepared the things you love about your marriage and how you appreciate her. Then discuss what she feels could make it better. Remember there is some long history here so you cannot get upset but rather listen objectively and show active interest in what can change. This really is step one, but the biggest key to this step is how you follow through afterwards.
---------------------------------
Missy~
Parenting, Marriage, Relationships and More
tripleaytche.com


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## Dilo (Jan 23, 2010)

Maybe my post is the last thing you want to hear but you sound like my husband. i left him 7 months ago. He was uncaring , neglectful and didnt even know I existed. Now he knows and he is on his knees. Materially I had everything a woman could want. Emotionally I had nothing. I spent 19 years trying for the attention I thought I deseved. Nearly left on 3 occations but my husband always did the grand gesture to pull it round when the chips were down, always sliding back to his usual uncaring self when he thought it had blown over, only for me to sit on the same merry go round all over again. It has been 7 months for me. I have a nice place , a good job and a new fella, yet my husband is still telling me how much he can change. Do I give up a potential good relationship to give him the chance he so dearly wants? He talks about how much he loves me and how if I loved him going home would be easy. Well for me, love was never an issue for all those years. My husband took care of the extinguishing any love with his neglect. Maybe you can tell me why I should believe in his promises?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Just like Dilo told you, getting her to believe you have changed is going to be a very hard task. Its possible she will stay and constantly be waiting for you to go back to your old ways. I don't know you personally, but I know my H will change for all of two weeks and then its back to normal. Very heartbreaking. 
What I will suggest is sitting down, talking about both of your needs, and ask her to be specific. What do you need from me? What can I do to show you I care? Tell her that you are open to her pointing out to you when she thinks you may be falling back into old ways. Think some things out. When was the last time you went all out for her Bday or anniversary?? Start little, by getting to an okay place, and then keep proving yourself. Best of luck to you!


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## Evets (Jan 21, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Tell her that you are open to her pointing out to you when she thinks you may be falling back into old ways.



This is a big key. I have been guilty of falling back into old habits and attitudes but if you let her know that you are open to a little nudge now and then to help keep you on track, then it might help in the long run.

I very recently learned this very issue and came up with the same solution. I simply told my wife to 'help me' when it came to my habits. 

I have a tendency to de-value her opinions. I grew up in a pretty controlling environment and have alot of control issues as a result. After 8 years of marriage she is at the point where she wants to leave me. There are alot of other factors involved (which I wont go into here), but she admits that it is as much her fault as mine since she rolled over and let it happen instead of standing up for herself.

I was acting as I was raised and honestly did not realize what I was doing. In our 8 years together, she has pointed it out on maybe 4 occasions. On those occasions, I immediately realized that she was right and I made adjustments to my attitude. Over time I would slowly revert back to my old habits, not out of disrespect or malice, but simply because it is how I have been all my life. But she would not point any of the changes out to me and it would be a very long time before it would come up again.

As she so pointed out to me recently..."You have to think before you open your mouth."


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## Waynes Pain (May 30, 2011)

After reading some of the data posted above and I read how your hubby you left promised this/that and you left and you went through all that you described than seeing a counselor and finding out how one has changed may be testing the water before going back. Have you grown apart? Was there love there on both parts. What will assure you the marriage will be healthy and be taken seriously and handled differently. Always seek counseling from an outside party. It's sad when people won't go. If two people really love each other and the marriage and they will not go to counseling then that is sad. I have experience too. Don't procrastinate. I think I am a more romantic person so I do think of my wife. For me it's more how to deal with issues and not ignore them when some people don't like to face them. That can happen with a man/woman where the woman is the one who does not want to own up and face the issues. My way or the high way
does not work and that's what I experienced. The problem is lots of people say they changed and maybe in tittle ways they did but lots of people just talk. That's why an outside source will be good. Put your marriage before everything. There are no guarantees but like a person going to workout everyday if you an do that with marriage you will stand a much better chance given your partner is grounded I guess. Wayne


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For me it is the realization that if I don't do my job as a husband then someone else will. Having that thought gave me the motivation needed to be a stronger man.

Make the dicision and sticking to them. The days of saying "what ever you want to do honey" are over. 

These days I keep it simple, "were going out and this is were were going". I find it easier to say no and have taken control of my marriage.

To be honest it suck to do the hard work of getting off the couch and away from the TV. But trust me all they want is a good listener. There not looking for some one to fix there propblem and give adice, sometimes it just best to listen, aggree look them in the eye and nod your head.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Stop the ****ing presses. You may have not been the best husband in the world, but you wife is a fool if she thinks it will be better without a dad around raising 3 kids. 

Do you work?? Are you a drug/ alcohol addict or abuse your wife or children? We can go from there.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I don't mean this mean, but this thread is from 2008. Chances are that the OP will not be reading. If you think this is a good topic, I'd suggest starting a new thread!


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Nice!


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## JJD (Jun 8, 2011)

Locard said:


> Stop the ****ing presses. You may have not been the best husband in the world, but you wife is a fool if she thinks it will be better without a dad around raising 3 kids.


Locard, I could not agree more. There are women, my wife included who swear they are going to be "happier" when they are divorced. I have tried to show my wife the financial ramifications as well as the emotional impact on each of us (especially our three sons) and how it dynamically alters everyone's environment thereby effecting each our lives forever. And what about those who after severing the family structure, realize the grass is not really greener than the grass that was in their yard?


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