# Am i wasting my time?



## tigger72 (Apr 18, 2011)

I met this guy on myspace, and he told me he was married so we only talked as friends. And then it took a mth before he ever came over my house. We talk on the phone, in texts and on the comp everyday. He told me that he was unhappily married for the past 3 yrs. He has a 16 yr old but from a previous relationship. He has no kids with his wife. They always fight, she tells him the marriage is unfixable, they have no sex, she says she has 10 places to go live, he makes her miserable, she tells him to go find someone else to be with and the marriage is unfixable oh the list goes on and on. Well when he came over that first nite we did have sex, and i asked when the last time they had sex and he said about 3 weeks before he came over my house. I didnt think anything of it at first and thought that we would just hang out and fool around. But as the mths went by i started to really fall for him. And then eventually i told him that i loved him. He said he kinda knew i was falling for him and he said he loves me to and that me and have more in common that he has with his wife.

I asked him why they are still married if the marriage is unfixable and they are both miserable. And all he says is its not that easy and something like this takes time. Just because they may not fight everyday it dont mean they are working it out. I just get so hurt cuz i have to watch him walk out my door. I only see him once a week, usually on a friday and then sometimes on a sat or sun. And everytime we have sex before he leaves he goes into the bathroom and washes up, which i told him that bothers me and he just tells me that it feels sticky down there not that hes doin it in case his wife will inspect. he says he feels bad when he has to leave and he knows it hurts me. He wishes he could stay the night or weekend with me. 

Ppl at my work tell me he will never leave his wife, but i dont know maybe he will. A friend of mine told me she was once a mistress with a married man for 10 yrs and it really is hard. He sometimes vents to me about the probs that they have and i give him my opinion but i tell him i cant tell him wat to do he has to do it on his own. I just get so depressed cause i really care about him and love him and it blows that i cant be with him all the time. He tells me he wants to take me out and do things over the summer but i wonder if he really will. I have been seeing him since Oct of 2010 and was thinking that by Oct of this yr i would give him an ultimatum, but i dont know if that will make him leave me for good or will he give me an excuse. 

I try to not get so attached to him but its hard. He once told me in the begining that if i found someone that was single and wanted to be with them he wouldnt stop me, he would be hurt and upset but he couldnt have a say to stop me cause hes married. I am like all messed up and dont know wat to do. So if anyone has any advice please post it i would appreciate any advice. Oh and the age between us is im 39 and hes 51, which is no big deal. Thank you.


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

On so many levels this isn't a bright idea, and I'm going to break them down for you...

1) Until the divorce papers are signed, and the judge has signed off -- this is a married man. You are sleeping with someone else's husband! This is the primo definition of adultery, and a fine way to create someone (namely the other spouse) hostile enough to show up at your door with ill intent. While women are slightly less prone to it than men, there is NO telling what a spouse may do when they discover this, and feel threatened by it. 

2) If he would be unfaithful to her with you, what makes you think he wouldn't be unfaithful to you if by some chance you did get married, or even just together officially? 

3) Right now you are just an escape for his problems for as long as he can get away with it. Statistically speaking: They don't leave, unless they get caught, and end up divorced. Even then, they rarely turn to you for long, because right now they are dealing with fantasy land ... the same reasons their last relationship didn't work out will creep into this one when the newness wears off, and day to day sets in. You are far more likely to end up dropped like a rock or hear "I need a period of coolness while the divorce happens" than you are to hear a resounding "yes". 

4) You are selling yourself short by picking someone who is unavailable to you, and some part of you knows it. You deserve someone free of entanglements. Even if this guy DID get divorced, he would still be recovering from the hurts, and brokenness of that divorce for a long time to come. So even if you "win", you "lose" ... 

5) You know something about his character when he faces tough times in a marriage. He looks elsewhere rather than to try the solve the problem(s). What makes you think you wont have problems (like every other couple out there)? How do you think, given his prior example, he will react to those if you go through a period of difficulty? 

Do yourself, and two others a favor...End this, and find someone who IS available to you. You deserve that, she deserves the chance to try to fix her marriage without a 3rd party in the picture, and he need to face up to reality, and stop using an escape so he can get a handle on his problems with her.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Yes you are wasting your time. He is married. Even though he tells you how bad it between him and his wife, i bet you that it isn't as bad as he makes it out to be. In short he wants his cake and to eat it too, and that is exactly what he is doing. 

He more then likely will never leave his wife.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

+1 on the other posters... You're being played. Either learn to live with it, or end it. But don't expect it to change.

C


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

He's lying and playing you. 

Sorry to be so harsh but I'm a bit older and have seen a few scenario's, mine and my friends. All of these turn out the same way. 

He will not leave his wife, and you are not the first nor the last. I was in a LTR many years ago that ended and I was not myself, feeling sad and a bit vulnerable...yup that's when I met my jerk....he was separated, getting divorced, lived out of the family home, etc. We commiserated, I thought we were in the same boat and would have a "healing" affair, LOL.

Riiiiight, his sob story started sounding suspicious and it turned out he was not divorcing, he was just cheating. The part that blew my mind was his SAD stories about his marriage, loveless wife, she was such a cold evil woman, poor him! 

Um, turned out it was true she wasn't having sex...she had just given birth to their twin boys. I found he "hunts" online and I found his posts back then, they were disgusting beyond belief. I physically gag now that I ever dated him, thankfully it was brief. The degree to which he lied and the effort he went to fabricate his lies was/is really creepy. 

My point is these guys will LIE. Then, they will LIE some more. 

Save yourself the inevitable misery and dump him pronto. Its up to you now, don't waste any more time on this guy. Every moment you waste with him takes you away from finding a true companion.

Good luck, Leah


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He's married, you knew that and still went through w/ having sex with him and are still having an affair with him.

No married man or woman having an affair ever says their spouse is wonderful, they still have sex, that they just spent last night watching a move on TV together after dinner. Sure, they may have problems, but no cheating person ever ever tells their affair partner that their marriage is great--they always say they don't have sex, the spouse is a monster, and they are so unhappy/miserable in their marriage.

I read somewhere (and who knows if this is true) that if someone doesn't leave their spouse w/in 3 months of the affair, it is unlikely they ever will.

My advice to you is to find your self-respect and back off. He has the best of both worlds: his wife at home who provides stability and has a long history with him and you: easy, free sex w/ no strings attached. 

If he wanted to leave her, he would. Example: Brad Pitt. Did not wait one minute before leaving his wife for Jolie. 

Move on and get tested for STDs. This will not end well.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

Anooniemouse said:


> On so many levels this isn't a bright idea, and I'm going to break them down for you...
> 
> 1) Until the divorce papers are signed, and the judge has signed off -- this is a married man. You are sleeping with someone else's husband! This is the primo definition of adultery, and a fine way to create someone (namely the other spouse) hostile enough to show up at your door with ill intent. While women are slightly less prone to it than men, there is NO telling what a spouse may do when they discover this, and feel threatened by it.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Absolutely awesome response!


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## JLynnMann (Apr 6, 2011)

You are buying into some serious BS and I would call him on it! Secondly I would also look into some counseling for yourself as diving into a marraige and having an affair isn't healthy for you. Why would you want to date a married man? 

Not trying to be harsh but I can guarantee if a woman was found to be doing these things with my husband I would show up at her door maybe before, maybe after confronting him. And yes, eyes wide open you walked into this. You knew he was married. You bought his pitiful lies and now you have fallen for the unattainable. 
What makes you think his wife truly knows that he is ready for a divorce or seperation? They still live together after all. They have sex although maybe not as often as you two are but still.....
I think I would back off and let him be. This will all come back to bite you in the butt in the long run. Run, don't walk.


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## lam4391 (Apr 16, 2011)

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but he is married and regardless of their marital problems he obviously loved/loves the girl VERY, VERY much to want to marry her and there is a reason why he is not divorced yet prob because he loves her and he is lying to you. When you found out he was married you should have ended it there you put yourself in this position. You should leave him alone, yes you are wasting your time, not to mention probably ruining someones marriage. IF they are trying to work it out which I bet they are because they are not divorced or even separated and the wife finds out your affair just made things 90 times worse. If his wife inspects him to see if he's cheat she obviously still loves and cares about him and doesn't mean it when she says to find someone else otherwise she wouldnt care. I would advise you to STOP seeing him immediately its not only wrong of him but also wrong of you to be messing with someone elses man


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## lam4391 (Apr 16, 2011)

Anooniemouse said:


> On so many levels this isn't a bright idea, and I'm going to break them down for you...
> 
> 1) Until the divorce papers are signed, and the judge has signed off -- this is a married man. You are sleeping with someone else's husband! This is the primo definition of adultery, and a fine way to create someone (namely the other spouse) hostile enough to show up at your door with ill intent. While women are slightly less prone to it than men, there is NO telling what a spouse may do when they discover this, and feel threatened by it.
> 
> ...


Perfectly explained! and about number three this is so true sorry to sound Mean or harsh but basically he prob is using you for sex because he doesn't get it from his wife at the moment.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You are definitely wasting your time....any losing your dignity. Everyone has some great posts on this one! His marriage could probably be salvaged, if he were spending time with his wife instead of you. But, if it weren't with you, it would be with someone else.


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## Kilgore Salmon (Apr 12, 2011)

Anooniemouse said:


> You are sleeping with someone else's husband!


Not a great thing but not hellfire either after all.




> 2) If he would be unfaithful to her with you, what makes you think he wouldn't be unfaithful to you if by some chance you did get married, or even just together officially?


I have to take issue with that. People do find love and passion outside of their previous choices. You don't know what their lives are like.



> 4) You are selling yourself short by picking someone who is unavailable to you,


If we can pick love that's news to me



> 5) You know something about his character when he faces tough times in a marriage. He looks elsewhere rather than to try the solve the problem(s).


Ummm....pretend logic = BS

Overall though, I do agree this is a mjaor problem for her. If he had kids...then things would be "complicated" but otherwise..she may be getting screwed. Smells like a big problem I admit but I don't like your way of explaining it.


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