# Is this considered too needy?



## losthope32 (Mar 16, 2010)

I have been searching online for a website that I can voice my opinions and get advice. I feel as though I should not share all of my life events with my friends. So here it goes...
I am recently married to a man that I thought was the love of my life. Before the marriage, we did everything together. We went everywhere and had fun together. However, since the engagement and the marriage, my husband does not like to do anything with me. Or so it seems that way. In the beginning, I knew that he was an outgoing person who enjoyed being with his friends. And he would do those things together with his friends. Now he does not include me in the plans. There are times when I run into his friends wives/girlfriends and they ask "why you didnt come last night?" What can I tell them? At most my reply is "I didnt know I was invited". Also my husband works long hours and after work he goes and hangs out with his friends. When It starts to get late, I call him. He always complains that I need to know where he is all the time. And not to worry because he always comes home. Well this is true he does come home, thats not the point. It is the amount of time that he spends away from home that makes me sad. So I start to feel as though I am being too needy, too clingy. It is normal to hardly see your husband? This almost feels like we are married but he is still living a single life. we have had many converstations about this particular topic, that we need to spend more time together and do things together. He always agree and after a while he goes back to what he was doing before. I'm assuming that he is complaining so much to his friends about me because one of his friends told me that I am not allowing him to be himself. I am so confused on what to do. I am starting to think that his behavior is normal and there is something wrong with me. I need help, We are recently married but, if this is how the marriage is going to be..how can we raise childern? Will I be a married but single woman? How can a marriage survive like this?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Do you have friends of your own that you go out with? do you work, go to school? 

this happened to me, too. i was really needy but i still feel my H was not there for me. i think i tried to cling to him more because i felt him pulling away. i remember coming home from work really late one night and i was so excited to see him. i just wanted to sit and talk with him. when i got home there was a note taped to the tv that said, 'Wish i could be with you. Im out with my coworkers. be home later.' it was like that for awhile. it took me a year just to get him to tell me when he would be home. 

My H and i did a book and workbook called Boundaries in Marriage by cloud and townsend. it really helped me communicate my needs, but accept my H's needs too. I still have a hard time with him staying out late during the week, but its better now and at least we can talk about it.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

It won't. You are married now. Although it is good for men to have their "guy time", and we should not call/text/whine about it...but if he is out with them all the time, then it is too much. Why get married?

I went through a similiar situation last year with my husband. It was the constant need for partying, friends etc...and I wasn't invited. There could be alot of reasons. You said that you had talked to him about this, which is good.

Do you have your own life/friends/plans? It is never good to sit at home and wait for him. This will make you very depressed. Find something that you love to do, something that will keep you busy and you can pour your emotions into. This does not fix the problem, but it momentarily puts a stopper in the leak. It also might help you not to keep calling/texting when he is out...don't give him the excuse of "you are always nagging."

Be firm. If your boundary is we need to spend more time together, than stand by it. Feel free to say no to him. Find things for you two to do together once a week...plan it out and then tell him about it. See if he is as interested in spending time with you, as you are with him. Hope this helps...I am still trying to figure it out myself. These are just some things that helped me cope.


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

sounds like the courting stage has worn off and beleive me nip it in the butt right now.

you are married and you have the right to question him where and when and why you are not invited.

some guys get that i got her now i can live my life and she will be there, or they get the i am going to prove to everyone that i got married not in prison... (men) 

anyway.... this is not acceptable and or right. i agree with larniegrl set the pace now or the relationship will go south fast.


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## losthope32 (Mar 16, 2010)

Well had another blow out with my husband. He continues to go out to the bar after work and comes home at 9 and 10 pm. On top of that, he deceided to go camping this weekend, so its like I have not seen him all week. I have tried to do things on my own, so I would not bother him. I went out to dinner (by myself) and the movies (by myself). I ran into another couple who we sometimes hang with and they asked me "what did you guys see tonight?" I replied, "I came by myself" I have friends but they live far away from me, and they have young children so we can't hang out like we used to. Not certian what to do at this point. When I do these little outings by myself, my husband is a little irritated by it. I was a little devious one day and thought to myself, "if this is how its gonna be, living a single life, then I'm not wearing my ring" I went to the store and got hit on by a cute guy. That made me feel a little better. Well, I have been doing a lot of research, and from what I can see, a lot of women are dealing with this issue of a husband that is never home. I have come to a conclusion, shut up and stop complaining, or file for divorce. And I can tell you, and this point, I am strongly leaning towards divorce. What was the title of that movie..."I can do bad all by myself"


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

You have the right to ask for a compromise. It is a marriage, so what each of you does affects the other and you are both accountable to each other. 

Find out if he is willing to compromise with you. Two nights a week out with friends, date night once a week, out with friends together two nights a week, etc. And make it day-specific. Friday is date night... no matter what. Wednesday out with the guys/girls. Saturday - out together with friends. 

A couple of things you need to work on. Expand your social circle. Find friends to go out with - don't depend exclusively on him for your social life. And, you may need to allow him more guys-out-time than you would prefer, but realize a compromise is better than it is now.

If he's unwilling to compromise and stick with a plan, then you have a tough decision to make.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Oh - one more thing - I would work a quiet night at home in on the plan...


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## losthope32 (Mar 16, 2010)

All that sounds wonderful, but I dont think it will work..he is so bent on saying "i am who I am, and I'm not changing for anyone" what do you do in that case? He is already back from camping, about to take a bath so he can go to a friends house to pick up something. I know how this ends, I will see him again when it is time to go to bed. This sucks so much. I thought we would work out, and to make matters worse, I am in my 30's. I want to have children. Now if I file for divorce, it is no telling how long it will take to find another husband. I feel like if I was younger, I would have more time. More time to find the right one who takes my feelings into account.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

I posted on the General Forum about types of relationships, maybe give it a read.

I also think that you need to expand your social circle (as do I) so you aren't relying on him to be your one and only friend because I bet he feels a little smothered at the moment. 

Maybe take up some classes to meet new people (art class, pottery, dancing, etc.) do things that YOU like. Try Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup.com and see if there are any groups in your area that do things that interest you. Your husband will start to see your independence and that is what attracts most men to women, the ability to be their own individual, independent person. 

Of course you also need to spend time together. I would suggest planning a date night and schedule it like an appointment. Dinner/movie, going for a walk, playing a board game at home, casino, you name it.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Well, you do not have to wait for a husband to have a child. It's one of the very few privileges women have in life. 

Don't stay just for the sake of having a kid, of course-and you don't sound like you will. But you are right--for whatever reason, he has a view of marriage that is very inconsistent with the mainstream idea, and certainly not in line with yours. The latter is more of a problem--if you were happy with all the time apart, it would be o.k., although probably a very different type of marriage. Usually married people want to be together more--not exclusively, but they enjoy each other's company a lot and work to make it happen in the midst of othewise busy, full lives. 

I'm sorry you are in this situation, but you sure seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Good luck.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

It seems like your husband changed radically after marriage and I am guessing it has something to do with his feelings about marriage and/or commitment. Now that he's married, it seems like he has something to prove - that he's his own person and won't be told what to do by anyone.

There is nothing wrong with having your own interests and friends in marriage but he's taking it way too far. He's out all the time and actively cutting you out of his life. That is just not okay, especially since you got married based on his interest in spending time with you. 

You each have a right to the amount of closeness you desire, but you are not in sync, so the marriage won't work unless you agree to meet in the middle.

I think he's freaked out now that he's married and is acting out in response to that. He needs to figure out why he's actively sabotaging the relationship right after getting married. Maybe he felt pressured to get married and he's now resentful. Maybe he has childhood fears of intimacy that are being activated now that he's in a committed relationship. It could be anything. He has to be willing to talk to you about this.

I would STRONGLY recommend marriage counseling. If he refuses, I would file divorce papers. This may help him to take you seriously. If not, then you have no choice but to leave. Why invest in the marriage when he's actively trying to ruin it?

Do NOT have children with this man until you can resolve this issue permanently. It will only get worse if he does not seek counseling to figure out what is going on.


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