# How much do you let your friends know about your marriage?



## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

Do your friends know about problems you go through in your marriage?How much do you let them know?What about sexually?I was talking to my wife and she brought up a comment that her best friend made about me being really loud during sex.It was kind of awkward,you could tell she didn't expect me to think it was a big thing.Also her friend has has told me things about our marriage and it was uncomfortable for me and she was looking to have a major conversation about our marriage and I don't feel right talking to her about it.I could tell she knew a lot about the problems that we went through...I don't really have close friends so I don't really talk about my marriage...So what do you guys do?How much do your friends know?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

A lot less than I used to!


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## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

I'm really private where it concerns my relationship with my husband. 

I don't discuss my sex life with anyone other than my husband or my doctor. 

I don't tell my friends or family about any disagreements my husband and I may have had. It's not their business.

I also don't criticize him to my friends or family. I've told him this; he appreciates the loyalty and reciprocates. 

I suspect I'm more conservative about this than many are, but it works for us.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ForBetter said:


> I'm really private where it concerns my relationship with my husband.
> 
> I don't discuss my sex life with anyone other than my husband or my doctor.
> 
> ...


Its the best way if you value your relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

None. We are very private about us.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

ForBetter said:


> I'm really private where it concerns my relationship with my husband.
> 
> I don't discuss my sex life with anyone other than my husband or my doctor.
> 
> ...


I agree that this is the best way. I would add talking to a counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist to the list of people who might need to know details.

I just want to caution that even these doctors are human. I have had some experience with this which I would rather not go into detail about. Just know that anyone can let things slip or tell anything once it is out there.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Very little.

They know very little about what goes on between us. Not even our parents know.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

Neither of us talk about what goes on inside our marriage with anyone. I might be tempted if I had a group of close girly-friends who sat around and discussed guys, and I have gossiped about boyfriends in the past, but I don't have those kinds of relationships any more. 

I admit a LOT more in my posts here, but I feel safely anonymous.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Very little.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My friends know I'm married. As far as they know, I have no problems. My wife, on the other hand, tells her female friends just about each and every one of her life experiences. She wouldn't be a great candidate for the CIA. She couldn't keep a secret from the living room to the mailbox.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I never mentioned his first affair to anyone. I didn't mention his second affair to anyone until I made the decision to get a divorce and began telling friends and family that I was. Even then I was reluctant to discuss the affair but no one understood why, after 45 years, I was ending my marriage so I finally mentioned that.

I strongly feel that, under normal circumstances, the details of a marriage are between the two parties involved. No one else.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

None. It's none of their business. It really ticks my mother off that I don't talk about my husband to her. She says I'm "stuck up" or "too good for anyone". That's utterly ridiculous. She wouldn't believe me anyways that we have a great marriage.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

We don't tell anybody anything. Too easy for things to be misunderstood. If you complain you've created an environment where your friends will think you're unhappy and think poorly of your spouse. If you talk about how great your life is together. You'll alienate friends that are in unhappy relationships. If you talk about how great your sex life is somebody might want to give one of you a try. Its a losing scenario in my opinion. Too bad though. The world needs positive marriage role models. We don't talk about our life but people can tell how much we love other by how we interact.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't tell family anything anymore. All I get is, well, you've had this problem before routine.

I have one friend with whom we share about each other realtionships, family friends, SO. I trust her immensley and over 10 years now, she has not let me downin either betraying a trust or doing the tsk, tsk, tsk routine.

OP, the example that you gave, mentioning something about how loud my friend's husband is when making love, just would never be considered acceptable for me to repeat..... certainly not in front of the persons involved or anyone who knows them or knows of them.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & mine take everything to each other... he is/has always been my best friend ....Every irritation, sorrow, Joy, question, if I want to share something funny, maddening...I go to HIM 1st .....he gets the brunt of all my yapping... 

Though in saying all of this... we are pretty darn open with our friends too. And our friends are Open with us. We like it that way. If we had big problems, maybe I would feel different, I don't know...we've always been pretty relaxed sharing about our lives ... 

Because we are like this.... it has afforded us for others to feel the freedom to share with us as well.... A couple close friends...known them since High school....they know our whole life story anyway... cause they have been there beside us... and us beside them - through the joys of kids, etc..

They confided in us...both of them sitting there in our dining room, another time in our living room, telling us what HE has learned through stepping out on his wife...her right there, her input as well, how life changing it was for Him... how she struggled... And I remember as I helped her through that...when she didn't know whether to leave him or forgive.... this is just how we are with those close to us... we are liable to share anything.. and it's COOL.. 

We learn from each other, we learn more about each other, we talk openly about our mistakes, we joke about sex... all of it .. Would never change it.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

ForBetter said:


> I'm really private where it concerns my relationship with my husband.
> 
> I don't discuss my sex life with anyone other than my husband or my doctor.
> 
> ...


This all the way.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Early on in my relationship, I needed friends to help me sort things out. It was very confusing, because we had some really bad relationship problems that we were having a difficult time figuring out, and sometimes the best answer seemed to be that we should break up...yet we never did break up. We always wanted to figure everything out and be together, we were in love, and we wanted to find a way to work it out.

So on many occasions, we went to our trusted friends and family. People who knew us and loved us, and asked for guidance. Particularly, we asked our loved ones who are in long lasting marriages for advice.

These same friends and family all already knew about our great new relationship. They heard all about the good things from us, too. We both will talk about our love and happy times to anyone. We find that other couples love talking about it, too. So not just for our problems, but also to share our good times, we always talked to our mentors and friends.

We found that our friends and family mostly could not help us with our specific problems. But they did always give a good shoulder to lean on. In the end, most of our problems were helped by reading materials I came across and implementing those materials (specifically Marriage Builders principals). 

BUT...our friends and family were always supportive to us. No matter who we talked to about any issue we were having, whoever we were talking to would say some version of "I am not sure what to tell you, but all I know is that you two clearly love each other and have to figure it out".

That was all mostly before we got married and were just dating or engaged. By the time we got married, we had worked out most of our problems. So now when we share about our marriage, we just have good things to share.

I regularly go back and thank my friends and family for being so supportive to us during that time. Many of them even prayed for us when I had asked them to, and I know those prayers made a difference.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I just looked over these replies.. Really... not one of you (except FW) ever talk to your friends about relationship woes.... I am thinking ..WOW... I mean, if this gets you to TAKE IT ALL TO YOUR SPOUSE...as it should be .....GREAT.. but what if you don't do that... wouldn't you explode or become depressed ?? Seriously... I am of the belief when others are hurting, they need to vent, have a caring listening ear. I know I am this way.. 



Stonewall said:


> None. We are very private about us.


Except on this forum Stonewall... Anyone who knows ME in real life would never be shocked I am on a forum like this posting it up, even the subjects talked about.. ...well if they know us *WELL.*...they would say.."that sounds like something you'd do!" ....

I almost lost a friendship due to the perspectives shown here.... now granted..I'll be the 1st to say-- you should be damn weary WHO you confide in, but doesn't any of you have friends worthy to be a listening ear....sometimes ?? 

A good friend of mine (16 yrs ago now) was going through a divorce, shocked me & the husband ...she never shared with me what *he DID* ... that caused her to HATE him & leave....all I ever got was...she was pi$$ed cause he wouldn't clean up anything, take the garbage out, he didn't treat her son very nice....he slept too much....but the Stuff that tumbled it to the ground- his betrayal -she kept from me... so when she left him we were talking to BOTH of them...he was coming around.. visiting us... trying to paint her as the bad person and he was like the Freaking morning sun rising in the east... yeah right...

She got pi$$ed off at me -feeling I was on his side.... and I didn't understand a damn thing... I said something about her to him (yeah it was careless, I am not perfect)... it got back to her, she was ready to throw me under the bus..... then I thought.. "Oh no you don't.... you ain't dissing me THAT easy sister....so I called her up ,ate some crow...apologized, invited her over my house...we took a long walk and TALKED...and TALKED... vulnerably - openly -honestly about many things....

I learned he cheated on her.. she found pics of him & another woman in her own BED " for God's sakes... then I realized her pain ....obviously we made up... she's called me her best friend for years and I am soon to be her Matron of Honor...so excited she found a good man- finally. 

But really.. even not confiding can bite a person.. as this little story... what happened between us didn't have to, had she just "let me in" - as to know what was going on..

Just another perspective. Though I consider myself a very "SAFE" person to confide in... I don't cause drama, backbite , tell another soul (except my husband, everything stops with us) and try to offer sound advice to all.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

SA I'm with you I'm pretty open about my life. Yes I discuss my sex life and other marital problems with my CLOSE friends and they in turn tell me everything. They give me sound advice and I them.

I know my friends darkest secrets and I find that comforting. It connects us on a human level.

We all have problems so I don't see the problem discussing them.

The key is knowing WHO to confide in. The ones who know my darkest secrets are the ones where I know their's too. It's an equal playing ground and I trust them.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> SA I'm with you I'm pretty open about my life. Yes I discuss my sex life and other marital problems with my CLOSE friends and they in turn tell me everything. They give me sound advice and I them.
> 
> I know my friends darkest secrets *and I find that comforting. It connects us on a human level.*
> 
> ...


I would even go so far as to say, if a woman doesn't have friends LIKE what you just described here, I would find that sad. Sure we have forums to unload (God Bless TAM)...Counselors /Therapists to see if it gets too much... but a friend who sticks like a brother or sister....that we can pick up the phone...if we feel we are emotionally drowning... call in our darkest hours ... be our vulnerable selves with...they won't judge us, trample us, backbite us, But LISTEN......Life wouldn't be living without that! Computer keys is no substitute. 

I volunteered for a 24 hr Hotline in my 20's...they offered classes on* the Value of Listening*...many times people don't even want our advice...what they seek is to be heard & understood/ this is reassuring ...it Ups something in their spirit... they may even talk themselves out of their own dilemma...by listening ....we offer support. It is a gift. 

So yeah...no black & white thinking with me on this one.. If I need a girlfriend to talk to....feeling down....I'd be talking....and if she's worth her salt...she'd be comforting me & nudging me, seeing clearer than I...to some form of resolution with my spouse -if that was the wise path -considering. 

Now Guys ...they are a little different (the majority not as emotional & connection driven as us woman)... Joking about their marriage woes with the boys seems to be as heart to heart as some get ... Though "No More Mr Nice Guy" does suggest for men to talk to another man & get support. For instance.... 


> No More Mr. Nice Guy Support Group IV This is a safe place to experiment breaking free from the "Nice Guy" syndrome and make the first daring steps towards becoming an integrated man.
> 
> In order to brake free from the "Nice Guy" syndrome, you need to get together with other men, create healthy male relationships, get challenged, gain courage, and create a good space for revealing themselves.
> 
> You cannot recover from the Nice Guy syndrome by yourself, because you need to get rid of the shame, fears and the broken compass that wrongly helps you wander through life.....


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

SA I should clarify I had a crappy childhood so I don't know what normal looks like. I reach out and depend on others to talk me through what's normal and what's not. Before my only frame of reference was from tv or masks people wear. Once I got to know people I mean really know them I found peace. I know now everyone has fears, problems, bad days, and that makes me feel less alone in this world.

I don't sit around bashing my husband or giving unnecessary personal details about us it's more of a higher level conversation than that. And it's only with a very few people that I've known for years.


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## Foolish1 (Apr 5, 2013)

I don't discuss my marriage issues. I exposed H's EA to my family and his, but we don't discuss it. Either my H and I can work it out or we can't, there's not much to discuss. I do talk about deep issues with my friends and family, you can be very connected with people without discussing marital issues.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I tell most people nothing about our relationship unless I'm sharing the happy stuff.
> For me,the more people you let into your relationship,the more trouble you're bound to have.*Also,venting to friends when things are tough will do nothing but fuel your negativity bc friends will likely always take your side and pull a YOU GO GIRL/BOY!!! Attitude on you. *
> 
> Then later when things are perfect again,your friends won't forget the drama you shared with them.


I will agree this is often how it may play out....as our Girlfriends can build up some "ugliness" in regards to a friends husband if they have been clued in on too much drama, and hurt on her behalf....our perception can be tainted. 

Yet still... it depends..I had to laugh reading this....this wouldn't work for me..... If I complained about my husband to my friends.... they'd take *HIS side*...they'd even tell me they'd take him! They just know us all too well. 

Really, I've never had to take any issues to my GF's about him, other than saying "Darn I wish he was more horny" in these past 4 yrs... it's always been praise...if anything, I have mentioned myself not living up to where I should be... making myself look bad....the things on him are so very small, they would tell me I am being ridiculous...which I know it's true...like a few of my threads here. 

When friends call me...they also know.. I seek to hear the other side of the coin...I ask questions as the story unfolds trying to gauge how their perspectives could be off, or missing it. I've never been the "yes yes, agreeable type"....though they still call me. Sometimes a little too much... my husband just shakes his head...walking past and I am hanging on that phone... One GF anyway, she is not married ....so much drama...she is not helping the matter either.


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