# Preparing For Marriage and How to Pick a Spouse



## WendyLewis (Feb 16, 2014)

Hi Ladies! I'm looking for advice about how to pick a spouse and how to be prepared for marriage. I grew up around marriages that I honestly don't even know if they were functional or completely dysfunctional because the adults are so good at hiding really bad things- but my family on both sides generally stay married until the death of one spouse.

I also have had a bad relationship with my mother my whole life. She's loud and aggressive, and I'm shy and quiet. She's a tomboy personality, and I'm a girly-girl. I just never liked dealing with her too much and prefered my father who is a lot like me- quiet and nice. She sensed this, and pretty much disliked me in return and treated me negatively, causing me to dislike myself for a long time. I think it might have something to do with my personality.

I myself got married young- following in the tradition of my family. I married a man who I "liked/loved" right after college because I thought he was a decent guy and that he'd be a good husband. And my mom had advised me to get married. Well, it turned out to be a disaster for a ton of different reasons: 1) we were long distance the entire marriage, 2) we come from 2 totally different cultures, 3) we have conflicting personalities, and 4) he comes from a background where people don't get married or they get divorced, so he had no will to save our marriage.

I also spent a couple of years dating someone I don't think was ever marriageable- he's in his mid-30s and is highly educated and good looking, but he also has Asperger's Syndrome and is an high functioning alcoholic.

Now I'm over 30, and I'm just wondering what I can do improve my life and eventually get married and have children. I am very shy and don't naturally like going out- I'm a homebody, and I get that from my family. I also don't have a ton of friends, especially since I finished grad school and moved for work. I do think I'm attractive, a good person, and that I can be a great spouse and mother- especially if I ever meet the right person to marry.

Any ideas on how I can help myself- I think I'm picking them wrong or that I don't even know what good is! Also, for women who are successful in marriage or relationships, do you know of anything constructive and effective I can do to prepare myself to meet the RIGHT man and then be succesful in a relationship with him?

Thanks!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I highly recommend two books. One is about red flags, incompatibilities, dysfunctions, and what to look for in a healthy individual capable of a healthy relationship. That's "Are you the one for me" by Barbara DeAngelis.

The second is about personality types, and looks at which types naturally have the best odds of working together. Not everyone agrees with the premises, but I've seen it work in practice and it worked for me. Take the questionnaire, find your type and find your matching types. Many people know their types or will be curious enough to do the short questionnaire to find out. The book is "Please Understand Me II" (second version) by Keirsey.

These are about making the right initial choice. Maintaining a good relationship is another subject - to some extent.


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## WendyLewis (Feb 16, 2014)

Thank you Married But Happy! I'm going to check these out on amazon.com right now !


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## WendyLewis (Feb 16, 2014)

I have gone of to check these out on amazon.com. The reviews look great! THANKS !


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

These are such basic, little things but I think it tells a lot about a person.

1) How do they treat service people? Do they treat them with disrespect or contempt, like underlings? Or are they nice with their requests? 

2) Do they say "please" and "thank you"?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

P.S. The key take-away idea from Keirsey's book explains how the different types communicate, and how it is best to match with a type who uses the same communication style (concreter vs. abstract, essentially). It truly makes a huge difference in the most fundamental need of a good relationship: communication.


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## WendyLewis (Feb 16, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> These are such basic, little things but I think it tells a lot about a person.
> 
> 1) How do they treat service people? Do they treat them with disrespect or contempt, like underlings? Or are they nice with their requests?
> 
> 2) Do they say "please" and "thank you"?


I agree- thanks for this little reminder.


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## WendyLewis (Feb 16, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> P.S. The key take-away idea from Keirsey's book explains how the different types communicate, and how it is best to match with a type who uses the same communication style (concreter vs. abstract, essentially). It truly makes a huge difference in the most fundamental need of a good relationship: communication.


Thank you! This may be just what the doctor ordered!


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Make a list of the things you want in a SO, no matter how small, write it down on the list. 
Then write a list of the things you can bring to a relationship, this is just as important as finding someone because it let's you take stock of who you think you are. 
You want to know who you are & what you can bring to the table.
When dating, don't settle, wait for the person who you know will be the best match for you and vice versa.


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## WendyLewis (Feb 16, 2014)

Phenix70 said:


> Make a list of the things you want in a SO, no matter how small, write it down on the list.
> Then write a list of the things you can bring to a relationship, this is just as important as finding someone because it let's you take stock of who you think you are.
> You want to know who you are & what you can bring to the table.
> When dating, don't settle, wait for the person who you know will be the best match for you and vice versa.


Thanks! So you wouldn't settle even if you were 34 years old? And want to have kids?


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

WendyLewis said:


> Thanks! So you wouldn't settle even if you were 34 years old? And want to have kids?


Hell no! That's reason even more not to settle! 
I was only a few years older than you when I met my H.
At the time I had made my own list, knew what I wanted in my next relationship and what I would bring to the table.
BUT, I went on our first date with no expectations other than a date, just two people having dinner & watching a movie together.
When we started to date more, to get serious, I was very upfront about what I wanted, that in my next serious relationship, my end goal I was going to be married.
Told him f he wasn't ready for that, he was free to move on, that I wasn't going to waste my time with someone who wasn't on the same page as me.
Flash forward two years from then, we were married.
You have to communicate what you want, this doesn't mean telling your first date you want to get married, or maybe it does, you have to get a sense of when the time is right.


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## WendyLewis (Feb 16, 2014)

Phenix70 said:


> Hell no! That's reason even more not to settle!
> I was only a few years older than you when I met my H.
> At the time I had made my own list, knew what I wanted in my next relationship and what I would bring to the table.
> BUT, I went on our first date with no expectations other than a date, just two people having dinner & watching a movie together.
> When we started to date more, to get serious, I was very upfront about what I wanted, that in my next serious relationship, my end goal I was going to be married.


Thanks for the words of encouragement! I'll be keeping this in mind.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

You're welcome.
You posted you're kind of a homebody & you moved to a new city.
Well, use this to your advantage & start exploring your new location.
Join some clubs, reach out to people who share similar interests, make new friends because it's when you're not looking that you will meet someone.
Good luck!


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## WendyLewis (Feb 16, 2014)

I will- thank you!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I know very little about online dating, but If I found myself single, being more Homebody-ish myself, I would certainly go this route...to open up more avenues to what is out there...as we're not getting any younger... though I think a long distance relationship would be very very difficult....

From what others say, the majority are just looking for hookups for sex.. ..if you put "*FUN*" in your profile, this is the key word for ... "bring on the no strings attached excitment"....so be very careful.. 

I am BIG on the temperament thing myself...... me & my husband , I feel are a near perfect match and our temperaments are opposite...he is the laid back / calm / easy to please Phlegmatic...tends to be passive... on the quieter side... then there is me >> Bubbly, more the social animal....assertive, can be brash at times...patience is not my strong point... his weaknesses are my strengths...& my weaknesses are his strengths! ....and this works! I feel so long as a couple does understand these temperament differences, are "self aware" to their own weaknesses & value the others strengths, not making it a competition...also having respect for one another...it's paramount. 

But outside of this.. it helps to have many similarities...in our values, dreams, what we enjoy...love languages - these all need sorted out... so we can find a comfortable Peace with each other.... 

I did a thread on Compatibility... pretty much what I would teach our own children as they date and are seeking a life long partner... 








...http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html

...Also a book like this... when getting to know someone... just hanging out .... on a porch swing, laughing...asking each other questions ...this would be a fine aide ...in reaching deep to know another person...

Intellectual Foreplay: A Book of Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be:



> This solutions-oriented guide offers problem solving and behavior changing strategies for people working on their most intimate relationships. The book provides readers with:
> 
> Enhanced knowledge of their own and their partners' beliefs, values, habits, desires, goals, likes, and dislikes; ideas for opening communication and deepening a relationship; skills for making healthy decisions about lifestyles and boundaries; an in-depth understanding of the role of self-esteem in relationships; increased ability to let go of the past and embrace the present; and the knowledge that it is important not only to choose the right partner, but also to be the right partner.
> 
> What distinguishes Intellectual Foreplay from similar titles is that it includes guidelines on what to do with the answers it gives. This makes it useful in both creating and sustaining a relationship.


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## WendyLewis (Feb 16, 2014)

^^^Great thread and great book suggestion - Thank you!


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