# Thought it was over-shame on me



## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

I posted here a while ago about my husband of 14 years kissing another woman. long long story short I also had a full on affair 5 years ago. 
He did stop talking to her and I thought things were better, just found out Sun that they did have an affair not just kissing. 
I know karma right, he wants to seperate, needs to be happy. I know I can not hold on but this pain is so bad. 
He loves me, but he does have strong feelings for her, he is not sure if they are love. She says she loves him. We have two young daughters and this has hurt them. My family is completely devestated. 

How long before this pain stops? 
If he knew how bad this hurts why did he do it?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

How long before this pain stops? 
If he knew how bad this hurts why did he do it

Why did you? You ask how long before the pain stops.
Well seems to me for your husband it never did,sadly.

Can you give some more info about your own affair
how long ,your reason and so on?


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

You both did wrong in this relationship with the affairs. The problem is that you had yours and that was it. He had his and the feelings remained and they're continuing the affair to this day. I think separating would be best. I would also bet this relationship with this other woman will never last.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Ps im asking because it seem´s you 2 never worked thru your
affair


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Well you can ask him how long it took him to stop hurting from your affair.

I wonder if he felt that since you got you age one and faced no consequences for it, that he might as well get in on it? But it went do far that he wants to be with her now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> You both did wrong in this relationship with the affairs. The problem is that you had yours and that was it. He had his and the feelings remained and they're continuing the affair to this day. I think separating would be best. I would also bet this relationship with this other woman will never last.


She need´s advice how to fix the problem


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

My husband at the time was big into online gaming...no attention, he would play more than he would work. He says he played because I was not giving him any attention. So i guess we should have communicated a bit better. 
Guy from my work-showing me tons of interest, he was "exciting" in retrospect he was a user-I can't believe i ever even did this. I absolutely hate myself for breaking my husband-i hurt him so deep, and now I have the same. Our affair lasted a few months. At one point I was planning on seperating from my h. But i didn't wantt to after really thinking about our life and he was gracious enough to keep me. 
He has never got over this you are correct and has been broke for all these years. I wish i could go back & turn time.


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

He doesn't necessarily want to be with her full bore-he will not move in with her. He does not want to jump from family to family. He wants to get his head straight-he says he is all messed up. Part of him wants to stay with me, part wants to go. But going will be the only way to know for sure what he wants. 
Over the years I have seen him fill himself with "things" to be happy (even before my affair) Toys basically, i also agree that she will not last with him, she is just making him happy for now. But he really needs to get himself happy before anothe relationship-with me or anyone else. Without himself being happy he will never have a happy relationship. 
The OW is 10 years younger than us & has 2 kids of her own. Young young mom-looking for a daddy figure.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

As one who has suffered from a Spouse's cheating, the pain has lasted a lifetime. At times, when a Trigger happens that makes me remember I sometimes wish she could experience the issues I have so that she could better understand it. I would never do that to her because of the pain it has caused me.

You ask why did he do it? I would say "Revenge". Once you did it, you opened that door. You did not respect him so he had a chip that he could use and it only depended upon his makeup. I am not making excuses for him because I think he violated his bond by doing this but when the situation presented itself he probably reasoned it out that you did it and he forgave you so why not he?

Payback is H*LL.


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

I do agree with you rrbbbtt. I did open the door-we have talked about that as well. 
We understand each other probably better now than ever, sad that it had to happen like this.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> She need´s advice how to fix the problem


I understand but there's nothing to fix if he's intent on separating so he can further explore his feelings for another woman. What happens next? He finds out he doesn't love her and then his wife is supposed to take him back like nothing happened? He either ends the affair and works on his marriage or he leaves the marriage all together to be with this other woman. He's not looking to split up so he can be alone to get his head straight. He's looking to split up so in his mind he will be guilt free in sleeping with another woman.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

From what you say he is in the "FOG" of the affair. It is good that you two are talking but he needs to address this now and you need to take your stand. As you have read what you need to do is clear, He needs to have No contact, Write the letter and get on in repairing the damage to the marriage along with you. Both affairs need to be addressed in this repair.

Unless he is going to do this you need to do the 180 and move on.


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

makeingsenseofit, we can not fix at this point. Seperation is the only thing. Its so hard, it has been only 3 days since i found out & i see him changing already. Growing more distant, the more he talks with his friends & her the more he wants to leave. However right now he has nowhere to go. he has slept on the couch. 
I just feel so alone right now I have a big support but still find my mind wandering & constatnly questioning everything...Is that normal? I just would like to stop thinking! just for a minute. 

What can I do to keep myself from going crazy? How do you get thru this? when I hurt him, i did everything he asked, when ever he called i was there-when he questioned I told. The rules have changed now that the shoe is on the other foot.


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

rrrbbbtt-no is is not in a "fog" he had calculated EVERYTHING. Even yesterday he spoke about our kids 50/50 custody schedules. He thinks and has it all planned out in his head. Down to 4 years & how we will be so much better. Well it is not going to be ALL GOOD...like he planned. The next few months will be very rough, he has not calculated that in, he thinks this will be easy. He is only thinking of himself right now....which is expected.
I guess I do have a lot of anger, I do not want to be so angry. Nothing will come of hatred.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> I understand but there's nothing to fix if he's intent on separating so he can further explore his feelings for another woman. What happens next? He finds out he doesn't love her and then his wife is supposed to take him back like nothing happened? He either ends the affair and works on his marriage or he leaves the marriage all together to be with this other woman. He's not looking to split up so he can be alone to get his head straight. He's looking to split up so in his mind he will be guilt free in sleeping with another woman.


Nothing to fix ,he is separating? Oh Please
how many times have seen and heard that statment 

A whole lot of babble from her husband.
What she need´s to do is start do a PLAN A on her husband if she is serious about saving this marriage

here is some basic concepts

What Are Plan A and Plan B?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> She need´s advice how to fix the problem


She can't fix it alone. It requires a joint effort. If he wants to separate, she will have to concede. She can't make him stay with her. 



haveaheadache said:


> I have a big support but still find my mind wandering & constatnly questioning everything...Is that normal?


Totally normal. 



haveaheadache said:


> What can I do to keep myself from going crazy? How do you get thru this? when I hurt him, i did everything he asked, when ever he called i was there-when he questioned I told. The rules have changed now that the shoe is on the other foot.


Get busy. Get a hobby, start exercising, do the 180. Tell him that you are very hurt by his affair and want the marriage to work but you will not stand in his way if he wants out. Tell him you know that it requies a joint effort and you are willing to restore the marriage with him, if he wants. Tell him you will not live in an open marriage where there is a third party. Suggest marriage counselling to him and see if he's down with it. 

While the affair is happening, you have zero chance at reconciliation.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

As Jellybean stated; Toe the line, take care of yourself, Do the 180. As long as you act like the woman who can't take care of yourself he will continue to take advantage of the situation.

Yes it hurts, but you need to take control, right now you are letting him control the situation.

Get a Divorce Lawyer don't let him be in command, You need to ACT.


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

Ugh ya. I love to excersice and have been. I know i have to be strong some times i am sometimes I am a wreck. It's like i have 2 people inside me right now. 
I dont' think he is thinking divorce (but I thought i knew him well too, right?) He has not mentioned it. 

I feel like i have no control over the situation. He wants to seperate PERIOD. As Jellybeans said I can not force him to stay, if i tried he would be nothing less of hating me. No couseling either-tried 5 years ago and in my mind very good, his mind waste of time & money. 
How would I even get control here?

Just a bad situation overall.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he wants to separate PERIOD, then let him go. Do not cry for him to stay with you, beg or plead with him. No way. Remove yoruself as an option. Don't let him eat his cake. Right now he's calling all the shots and you're letting him. Stand up for yourself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

haveaheadache said:


> Just a bad situation overall.


By telling him what you will and won't tolerate in your marriage. By not letting him decide everything.


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

Thanks Jellybeans, he gifted with gab so it's very difficult to get my point acorss. He can talk he was in or out of anything. I always come away going "ya he's right" not sure how i can even think on my own....so to speak.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well you need to stop agreeing with him just to placate him. He may have the gift of gab but you have a right to what you want as well. Say what you need to say and don't back down.

Get the book "Love must be tough" by James Dobson. Lots of valuable info in there.
You need to regain your confidencea nd get outside and do things. Call up an old friend, new undies, perfume, etc. Even if you guys separate and divorce..there is life after him. Promise.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Don't argue nor discuss until he has made NC decision. He is now trying to get your approval to do this.

Again need to just address your financial needs and the needs of the children. Otherwise, you are being tied into support of him by being open to this continued non-ending discussion. 

He'll probably keep throwing your affair at you but this is now and he does not seem to want to reconcile so you have to up your game and be the adult. 

At this time he does not want to work on the marriage and until he does, NC and everything, you must approach this as it being over and you need to get your ducks in order for the rest of your life.


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

@ Jellybeans-I dont' try to agree with him, but I want to stay & work on it and he doesn't. So i kinda have to go with what he wants, i dont' really have a choice right now. 

James Dobson he is a Christian writer right? I have heard of him. 

Hard to see the future right now.


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

Will I have up and down days forever? I see him still struggling with my affair-ofcourse because of all this now, my affair has been talked about more & more. I really hate talking about it-not because it IS the worst thing I have ever done, but because I feel like it brings up more hurt for him. 

He has not moved out yet, but i feel like i miss him.We had a good talk last night, it to me felt like we connected but am I just fooling myself? 

I didn't expect my life to turn out like this, i am sure no one does.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

IMHO---you need to call his bluff

Tell him, you will not stay in a mge., where there are 3 present

He will throw your A., up to you, but remind him, he agreed to the R.

Do not let him talk down to you, just make your statement, coldly, calmly, and walk away---get out of the house for a while, right after you say your piece, so there can be no discussion, or arguing.

Tell him, as long as he is with this other women, he needs to leave, if he wants a seperation, tell him to get out, as in start the sep. right now--

You have to kick him in the butt, and wake him up

You know he has no future with his lover, but he needs to find it out

When he comes back, you will be on a level playing field, and maybe you can both make it work---right now for that to happen, he needs to go, and get his A., out of his system

Find a good solid IC, that will help you raise your self-esteem, and stop allowing him to control you. While he is figuring his life out, you need to work on YOU.

But 1st things 1st---he MUST go as long as he is seeing his lover---on that point you need to stand firm!!!!!!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

While you didn't force him go cheat, you paved the path to ruin with your own affair.

Instead of repair, the both if you chose destruction painted over for years.

So when he found a way to both sooth his pain from your cheating and to give you a taste of your own medicine, he took it.

I'm not advocating his choice, but you cannot act as though you are merely a wounded spouse who did something rotten a long time ago.

Not addressing it properly is what has him driving down that well-oiled path.

So now that he has done this I think he doesn't know his next step.

See, he has used his "I'm better than you" card and has to live with he being a cheater just as much as you have had to.

So he will choose leaving rather than addressing both your affair and his.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

haveaheadache said:


> rrrbbbtt-no is is not in a "fog" he had calculated EVERYTHING. Even yesterday he spoke about our kids 50/50 custody schedules. He thinks and has it all planned out in his head. Down to 4 years & how we will be so much better. Well it is not going to be ALL GOOD...like he planned. The next few months will be very rough, he has not calculated that in, he thinks this will be easy. He is only thinking of himself right now....which is expected.
> I guess I do have a lot of anger, I do not want to be so angry. Nothing will come of hatred.


This is exactly what is meant by "the fog" of an affair, he thinks he has it all planned out, but he is not really seeing reality. There are so many things he is completely blind to such as the pain you are in, the devastation he is causing to his family, that his affair is causing more problems and solving none and just how hard life will continue to be for him after this because those are all fogged out of his perception right now. And it really sucks because there is nothing you can do to clear it up for him because he has fogged you out too.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

2 points:

1. he has the gift of gab -- this means he can also convince himself of anything he wants.

2. the 180 may not work if the intent is to get him back. He has several years to set his mind already. The 180 should be for your benefit and sanity.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The 180 is not a tool to be used to get someone back. At all. Its done so the LS can start to move on and recover. Yep...Dobson is Christian and while I don't fashion myself religious...tht book is loaded with very good insight n tools. Get it! If he brings up ur affair...talk about it. Sweeping things under the rug solves nothing. Two wrongs don't make a right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he wants out you will have no choice but to let him go...or be dragged. Don't choose the lattter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

Thank you all SO SO much for the replies. 

Yesterday I found out that they still talk EVERYDAY. Man talk about a trigger. I have also had a head cold, so I basiclaly told my boss I am sick & left to go home to talk with him. 
We had the worst fight! yelling, name calling, get out, all of it, it was really nasty. Then we somehow sat down & talked about everything again....calmy it's so weird how we can go from I hate you to, I dont' want this to be over in such a few seconds. 

I tried to tell him by speaking to her everyday is confusing himself. She has filled the void that he needed. 
We are completely broke, I dont' know how he is even going to get out. Our black hole of life just keeps getting deeper & deeper. 

I just feel at such a loss on what to do. Why does he keep wanting to talk with her? Can't he see how horrible this is? 
I guess you are all right, he is still in the "fog". 
He has admitted to me that he doesn't see them going anywhere-ofcourse he would like to try, but he knows it will not last. That's the weird part-he can say I know it wont' last....then WHY EVEN TRY? what's the point. It's so sad that he is willing to gamble our marrige on a "hope to find happiness" 

He says he still loves me and I am his only love. Ya I just dont' know how much I can believe right now. 

Should I believe him?


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