# wife cheated on me 15 years ago.just found out.



## richard931

we have 2 beautiful children.we have been married 31 years i dont know how to accept this.dont know if i should stay or go.children are not at home any more.hate my wife one minute want to kill her the next then i want to love her.this has been more than i can stand.she says it only happened one time.


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## richard931

anybody with advice it would sure be appreciated.


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## TDSC60

I suspected that my wife did the same. But she never admitted anything.

How did you find out? Was it an on-going affair or a one night stand type of thing? What has your wife said? How was your marriage since this happened?

Now the hard question - are you sure that the children are yours?

It all boils down to what do you want to do. You probably feel like you have been living a lie for the last 15 years.

A little more info might help.


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## snap

You don't have to *accept* that; it's a fresh wound for you even if inflicted 15 years back.

I assume it was not a confession on her part. There is probably more to the story than you already know.


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## richard931

sure my children are mine.thier looks and ages vouch for that .we were having an argument and she let it slip.i know about everything there is to know about it who it was,the city the motel and she swears it was one time thing.she is a good christian woman.but i dont know if i can trust her again or if i really want to at this point.she really seems like she wants to make our marrage work.in fact she has been wonderful to me all these years.if she had not let it slip i would have never expected it.i do feel like i have been living a lie and been made a fool.


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## the guy

Ask your wife to take a polygraph test. There a few hundred dollors.

Only you can deside whats best, especially when you don't know what you are forgiving her for or what you are kicking her out for?

Was it a ONS (one night stand) or was it a LTR long term relationship) and they only slept together once?


Was it with a group of poeple and she was with them only once?



My point is what are your realy kicking her out for or forgiving her for? Then you can make a honest dicision about real facts on what/who your wife really is.


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## the guy

Sounds like a business trip and ONS.


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## the guy

If you can validate the "one time thing" and she in fact has learned her lesson and for the past 15 years has affair proofed her marriage you may have something to work with if you want.

The fact that she has affair proofed her marriage from then on out, it has to hold some miret.


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## theroad

Get the Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

Schedule a ploygraph the tell WW when the appointment is. All WW trickle truth a little bit before the appointment Promising that they have told everything now no need for the test. This is to get you to cancel the test keep her from having to tell any more about the affair.

OMW needs to be told about the affair.


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## richard931

the guy said:


> Ask your wife to take a polygraph test. There a few hundred dollors.
> 
> Only you can deside whats best, especially when you don't know what you are forgiving her for or what you are kicking her out for?
> 
> Was it a ONS (one night stand) or was it a LTR long term relationship) and they only slept together once?
> 
> 
> Was it with a group of poeple and she was with them only once?
> 
> 
> 
> My point is what are your realy kicking her out for or forgiving her for? Then you can make a honest dicision about real facts on what/who your wife really is.


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## richard931

it started out over lunch and ended up at motel during work.i called the guys wife let her know also. And later talked to him without my wife knowing.he confirmed what she said.


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## richard931

so sorry for you.pain and hurt is almost unbearable.hang in there


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## lovelygirl

richard931 said:


> sure my children are mine.thier looks and ages vouch for that .we were having an argument and she let it slip.i know about everything there is to know about it who it was,the city the motel and she swears it was one time thing.*she is a good christian woman*.but i dont know if i can trust her again or if i really want to at this point.she really seems like she wants to make our marrage work.in fact she has been wonderful to me all these years.if she had not let it slip i would have never expected it.i do feel like i have been living a lie and been made a fool.


Religion aside. Had she been a good Christian woman, she wouldn't have cheated in the first place.
Being religious doesn't guarantee faithfulness. Actually, many times, people hide behind the fact that they are "religious" to cover their wrongdoings.


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## richard931

theroad said:


> Get the Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.
> 
> Schedule a ploygraph the tell WW when the appointment is. All WW trickle truth a little bit before the appointment Promising that they have told everything now no need for the test. This is to get you to cancel the test keep her from having to tell any more about the affair.
> 
> OMW needs to be told about the affair.


good idea.already told omw and talked to om


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## richard931

she is a good christian woman.and she made a terrible mistake.i know you are susposed to be able to forgive.i dont know if i can


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## TroubledSexLife

How exactly did she reveal her affair to you? What kind of argument was it? 

Because she might be lying and trying to minimize the length and depth of the affair. Ask her for a polygraph and see her reaction.


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## WyshIknew

You haven't given the experts on here much to go on. (I'm not one of them BTW)

Would be useful if you posted a slightly more detailed account including your wifes reactions after she realised her disclosure hurt you.
They can then give you some good advice. However if you are only here to vent then vent away, it's all good.


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## chillymorn

:QUOTE=tdwal;1054349]Oh come on, every Christian knows that we are sinful and only through the Grace of God are we redeemed. Anybody has potential to do this, it has nothing to do with being a good or bad Christian.[/QUOTE]

:scratchhead:

yea you can be adultrus and kill nations but on your death bed if you believe then your saved,

king david.


:scratchhead:


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## Bugz Bunny

Ok my friend,here are some rules:

1. Cheaters always lie
2. One time is almost never one time
3. No matter how bad the marriage was back then you are not and never will be responsible for her affair.
4.Good christian woman can also cheat (its laughable when I hear someone say "my wife is a good christian woman,she would never cheat on me")
5.Threaten with a polygraph test and be serious about it,because most WS tell almost everything after that

Now some advice:

For your wife the affair happened 15 years ago,for you it happened when you discovered it.You mostly feel that you have lived a lie these last 15 years,so I can only advice you to take as much time as you need and decide if you can accept the fact that your wife cheated and lied all this time about it and made a fool of you...I personaly would file for divorce,because I never give a cheater another chance but we are not the same so whatever you decide I wish you luck...


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## lovelygirl

tdwal said:


> Oh come on, every Christian knows that we are sinful and only through the Grace of God are we redeemed. Anybody has potential to do this, it has nothing to do with being a good or bad Christian.


That's what I mean to say. It has nothing to do with being a Christian. 

She cheated. That's what matters.


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## Will_Kane

richard931 said:


> sure my children are mine.thier looks and ages vouch for that .we were having an argument and she let it slip. i know about everything there is to know about it who it was,the city the motel and she swears it was one time thing. she is a good christian woman. but i dont know if i can trust her again or if i really want to at this point.she really seems like she wants to make our marrage work.in fact she has been wonderful to me all these years.if she had not let it slip i would have never expected it.i do feel like i have been living a lie and been made a fool.


Why did she do it?

With whom?

Cheaters lie about how many times and the length of time the affair lasted about 100% of the time.

Have her handwrite an apology to you, tell her to include how many times, how long the affair lasted, and whether she had more than one affair. Then set up a polygraph. Don't tell her you will be setting up a polygraph until after she writes it all out for you.

As far as being able to move on in your marriage, I think if she tells you the truth and then a polygraph confirms it, you can start to move on thinking it was only one bad choice 15 years ago. If she is not willing to polygraph, that tells you she probably is lying. Then you have to wonder how long it lasted, how many different affairs she had, etc.

I feel like I'm setting you up for failure with my advice, because the chance she told you the truth is just about zero and, if so, she won't want to go forward with the polygraph, most likely leaving you wondering. If that happens, you shouldn't wonder, just assume she lied.


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## Thor

Richard, welcome to TAM. Sorry you're here though!

Another good book is "After the Affair". Both of you should read it.

As has been said, to your brain it is as if your wife had her affair today even though to her it is old old history. So you will need time to process all of this new information. You will be re-viewing and re-evaluating your entire relationship in light of the new information. It is normal to do so. And it is also normal to be on a roller coaster for a few months.

The good news is that as far as you believe to be the truth, it was just the one event many years ago, and she has been otherwise a good faithful partner to you for the intervening 15 years. That is important but also a confounding factor. It would be easy to hate her and leave her if the affair really did just happen today.

And in the end you have every right to come to whichever conclusion you find. You may find it unforgivable and thus you cannot continue the marriage. Or you may find it a terrible but forgivable thing she did, and your marriage could even become stronger in the long run as a result. Only time will tell on this one.

My situation is a bit different in that my wife's deceptions were not of an affair, but of other very significant things which rise to the same kind of level of dishonesty. She kept those secrets for over 30 years! She told me a year ago, and I am still undecided and on a roller coaster. So be aware that you are going to be dealing with the emotional fallout for quite a while. The general wisdom is 2 to 5 years to get through it.


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## MattMatt

richard931 said:


> we have 2 beautiful children.we have been married 31 years i dont know how to accept this.dont know if i should stay or go.children are not at home any more.hate my wife one minute want to kill her the next then i want to love her.this has been more than i can stand.she says it only happened one time.


I would suggest counselling. This is horrible for you, as it is new and fresh for you, but in the past for your wife.

How did you find out? What do you know? Was it one time only?


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## Shaggy

Beware of the trickle truth - where she only admits a little hoping you won't ask any more questions.

How was it only 1 time.
Did they continue to have lunch etc after wards?
Ask her this: Write down 100 reasons why you should give he another chance?
Ask her this: Write down 100 reasons why you shouldn't go have an affair yourself?


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## Kasler

richard931 said:


> she is a good christian woman.and she made a terrible mistake.i know you are susposed to be able to forgive.i dont know if i can


No, she isn't. 

Sorry, but christian or no, good women don't cheat on their husbands. Also you're minimizing it. 

It wasn't a mistake that she cheated, she willfully chose to cheat. At that moment, your marriage was 2nd place and thats a fact. 

She also didn't respect you enough to come clean about it and hid it for 15 years out of fear of you leaving her. 

Manipulation. 

Sorry, but you saying shes a good christian woman is a paradox mate. 

Only answer is, shes not.

Also, no matter what the situation you're never expected to forgive. Only one who can give it or withhold it is you, so only you can decide.


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## CleanJerkSnatch

Shaggy said:


> Beware of the trickle truth - where she only admits a little hoping you won't ask any more questions.
> 
> How was it only 1 time.
> Did they continue to have lunch etc after wards?
> Ask her this: Write down 100 reasons why you should give he another chance?
> Ask her this: Write down 100 reasons why you shouldn't go have an affair yourself?


These waywards swear up and down on their children, their mothers grave and yet you pull out the evidence and then they blame you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60

richard931 said:


> she is a good christian woman.and she made a terrible mistake.i know you are susposed to be able to forgive.i dont know if i can


She was not a good christian woman when it happened.

It was not a mistake.

Whoops - went to lunch with OM.
Whoops - went with OM to motel.
Whoops - got naked and jumped into bed with him.

It was a series of conscious choices that she made knowing all along how it would hurt you and your family if you found out. She made the choice. It was not a mistake. 

I seriously doubt it was only one time. You said you know who, when, and where. Has she stayed in touch with this guy all this time. Have they worked together all this time? Have you seen the other couple socially during the last 15 years?

Plus she has basically lied for the past 15 years by not telling you what she did. She took away your right to make a decision about staying with a cheating wife 15 years ago.

I would HAVE to do the polygraph. She's been deceptive for 15 years. How can you trust her to tell you the truth now?


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## Goldmember357

LEAVE

RUN

or else you will SUFFER.

You only live once so its best you make good decisions and surround yourself with intelligent people your wife is corrupted. Look man i was a psychologist for a time being i can say without a doubt that people who cheat have huge character flaws and that your wife has always been capable of this. Its best you leave because its unlikely that you will be able to get over it anytime soon and it will be hell trying to do such a thing. Wouldn't you prefer moving on and finding a GOOD woman who want cheat?


Also you say your wife is a "good christian woman"

She must not understand Christianity very well. Her actions will send her to hell and there is nothing she can likely do to change that seeing how cheating shows huge character flaws. 


So your wife will "go to hell" according to the very religion she believes in. 



Move on man trust me its the best option find a TRUE GOOD WOMAN, someone who CAN BE LOYAL.


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## Goldmember357

TDSC60 said:


> She was not a good christian woman when it happened.
> 
> It was not a mistake.
> 
> Whoops - went to lunch with OM.
> Whoops - went with OM to motel.
> Whoops - got naked and jumped into bed with him.
> 
> It was a series of conscious choices that she made knowing all along how it would hurt you and your family if you found out. She made the choice. It was not a mistake.
> 
> I seriously doubt it was only one time. You said you know who, when, and where. Has she stayed in touch with this guy all this time. Have they worked together all this time? Have you seen the other couple socially during the last 15 years?
> 
> Plus she has basically lied for the past 15 years by not telling you what she did. She took away your right to make a decision about staying with a cheating wife 15 years ago.
> 
> I would HAVE to do the polygraph. She's been deceptive for 15 years. How can you trust her to tell you the truth now?


I am a divorce lawyer trust me. People who lie should not even marry it always ends in divorce

This woman LIED for 15 years!!!


All logic in the world will tell you she has huge problems and is a horrible person. I do not sugar coat things its the truth the idea that things happen for a reason or "love can overcome" is a fallacy. I think love exists but not all people are compatible and the grave reality is that very very few individuals are even capable of truly loving each other capable of the "consummate love".


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## MrK

It was more than one time. But even if it wasn't, you can NEVER accept that what she says is the truth. Invest in the polygraph. It's the only way you will ever know. And it DOES matter.


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## snap

tdwal said:


> Oh come on, every Christian knows that we are sinful and only through the Grace of God are we redeemed.


Well, at least she got the sinful part right 

To the OP, investigate. If it takes polygraph, go for it.

Don't make any rash decisions, this is too fresh. You are still in the denial stage, which is natural. Give it at least two weeks.


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## costa200

> .she is a good christian woman.


I knew there was a reason i don't trust those...


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## RWB

richard931 said:


> i know about everything there is to know about it who it was,the city the motel and she swears it was one time thing.


Richard,

Whether you know it or not you are in shock. While the events happened 15 years ago for your wife, it is 15 minutes ago for you. I have been exactly where you are and you are trying to understand 15 years of lies while recovering from a blunt trauma strike to your head. Your not seeing clearly...

These pages are littered with stories of the "It was just a ONS". The fact is your wife was involved with this man for some time prior to allow herself to move on to the "Hotel". That's just a fact. There were weeks if not months of flirting, touching, kissing, that "allowed" her to rationalize her betrayal. 
And do you really believe it stopped there? It just doesn't happen that way. My own wife swore on the Holy Bible it was only one time. A lie of course. 

Worse... once a wife starts cheating, it is that much easier to have another affair. The reality of her serially cheating on you for the past 15 years is very possible. 

You need to pull it together and start looking at the clues. Has she been in contact with this OM immediately prior or after her confession. Check the phone records, email, FB, anything she could be communicating with.


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## Vanguard

tdwal said:


> Oh come on, every Christian knows that we are sinful and only through the Grace of God are we redeemed. Anybody has potential to do this, it has nothing to do with being a good or bad Christian.


Agreed.


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## Kallan Pavithran

Recently read about man divorcing his wife for cheating 45 or 50 yrs back, please anyone quote the thread on that posted here.

Cheating is cheating it dosent matter when and how. 15 yrs back means you had a marriage of lies for the last 15 yrs.


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## aug

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Recently read about man divorcing his wife for cheating 45 or 50 yrs back, please anyone quote the thread on that posted here.
> 
> Cheating is cheating it dosent matter when and how. 15 yrs back means you had a marriage of lies for the last 15 yrs.



How about this one:

99-year-old man divorces wife of 77 years after discovering she had affair 60 years ago | Mail Online

99-year-old divorces wife after he discovered 1940s affair - Telegraph


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## Kallan Pavithran

aug said:


> How about this one:
> 
> 99-year-old man divorces wife of 77 years after discovering she had affair 60 years ago | Mail Online
> 
> 99-year-old divorces wife after he discovered 1940s affair - Telegraph


I mean exactly the same


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## Badblood

Richard, sorry you are here, but welcome to you. You need to catch your breath, and prepare for what will not be a pleasant experience. Your wife is NOT a good Christian woman. That is the first thing you need to accept. She IS, however, an adulteress, a liar, a disrespecter, and a manipulator, and you need to accept these things as well. Know that everything she says about the affair is probably a lie or an evasion to try to minimize the damage she has caused. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!!! SHE IS!! The time frame , since the affair, means nothing at all, because you only have her word for it that there were not other affairs, at other times. For your peace of mind, get the Poly done, then grill her repeatedly, until YOU are satisfied that you have gotten ALL of the truth, then realize that even so , there will be some things that she will try to hide. THEN, after you are sure in your mind that you know all, THEN you decide if you want to reconcile or Divorce.


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## akashNil

Richard, I feel Sorry for what you are facing at this age. My wife has been cheating for me for around 25 years. So I know what you might be feeling. The only difference is that, I KNEW many of her affairs (after they happened. Mostly by other clues or people, and some by her own confessions. All complete PAs, and few EA+PA.).

Anyway, please think:
1. Isn't keeping quiet for 15 years is same as cheating for 15 years?
2. Even before 15 years, your good religious wife could directly jump into bed with someone, only for one day? I don't think she would be that cheap for accepting ONS.
3. Women don't say anything without purpose - even when they are angry. She must have had quite a few arguments before this with you. She didn't speak at that time.

Is she feeling guilty or relieved?
Was the OM in contact with you/your wife/your family for any reason before and after that incident?

I am afraid that what you heard is just a tip of the iceberg. She must have cheated you all along - before that incident, and afterwards. Think 100 times before digging further.


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## TheCrunch

I agree, doesn't matter how long ago it was. It happened and of course you will be devastated.

Take good care of yourself, put yourself first and take your time making decisions. 

If I understand correctly, she threw this confession at you in the heat of an argument. That doesn't sound like it was a measured admission of guilt. No remourse in that scenario as far as I can see. She did that to hurt you coz the argument wasn't going her way. I guess she has had that in her back pocket all these years just waiting to wound you with it. 

Don't know what this argument was about (tell us if you feel you can) presumably not something petty but in any case, throwing that at you was cruel. Don't get me wrong, I think it's right you know that infidelity took place but that was a wicked, kick in the face, way to find out.

I hope it won't be too long before you get some peace of mind. Meanwhile take good care of yourself and try and find a coping mechanism to help you through. 
5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Forgiving Infidelity


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## MattMatt

Richard, you are going through a lot of pain.

Your wife caused this, without a doubt. Seek MC. MC does NOT always get people to reconcile. Sometimes an MC can help a couple see they would be best to get a divorce.

Do what is best for YOU. Some people will say "divorce! It's the only answer!" Or "Reconcile! It's the only answer!"

Both of those statements are right *but only right for the person making that statement!*

You might think differently. Accept advice, but do not treat it as if it were in stone!

Speak with your wife, ask her for whatever information YOU want.

You are in a horrible situation. I wish you good luck and pray that you can resolve this in a way that is beneficial to everyone concerned, but mainly for you, the BS.

Reconciliation is possible, but not always desirable.


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## husbandfool

Now that it is out in the open, your wife has no more worries about concealing it anymore. Be forewarned that she now has this in her "warchest" to use against you if/when she gets angry with you in the future. What better way to hurt someone than to remind them of how they used you 15 years ago ... like twisting the knife in your back!

Maybe your wife is never like that but, it's something that would be bothersome for me.


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## AngryandUsed

Richard,
Agreed that you are in anger, many of us have been there. My wife admitted to an affair that happened 16 years ago, almost 18 months ago. I was in your position.
Anger. Dejected. Helpless. Lost sleep. Lost weight dramatically.
I want to give a try -for my kids. They are not as grown up as your kids are.
Could you recollect how she has been with you in the last 15 years?
Is she repenting? Could you get some more facts verified? You need to get the truth.
If she is a good woman, and repents what she has done, you may consider staying.
Please do not let the anger spoil you. I let the anger monster play havoc. If you manage your outbursts, you are more likely to further truths that you will not otherwise get. 

SO TAKE CARE.


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## mrstj4sho88

Don't forget cheaters are selfish and often tell lies. You only found out about this one because she got upset. Sometimes cheaters are good at covering up thier secrets. You can't believe most of what she may tell you. It may or may not have been only one times. This was not something she meant for you to find out. In this case,her mouth got the best of her.


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## EI

Goldmember357 said:


> LEAVE
> 
> RUN
> 
> or else you will SUFFER.
> 
> You only live once so its best you make good decisions and surround yourself with intelligent people your wife is corrupted. Look man i was a psychologist for a time being i can say without a doubt that people who cheat have huge character flaws and that your wife has always been capable of this. Its best you leave because its unlikely that you will be able to get over it anytime soon and it will be hell trying to do such a thing. Wouldn't you prefer moving on and finding a GOOD woman who want cheat?
> 
> 
> Also you say your wife is a "good christian woman"
> 
> She must not understand Christianity very well. Her actions will send her to hell and there is nothing she can likely do to change that seeing how cheating shows huge character flaws.
> 
> 
> So your wife will "go to hell" according to the very religion she believes in.
> 
> 
> 
> Move on man trust me its the best option find a TRUE GOOD WOMAN, someone who CAN BE LOYAL.


Honestly, I usually stop myself before making this kind of post, but today I am going to let it rip. 

There are at least a dozen reasons that I don't like your comment. One being, with your spelling, grammar and punctuation, I have serious doubts that you have the education required to have ever truly been a psychologist. Two, being that only the OP is in a position to decide, with certainty, if he will "SUFFER" if he doesn't "LEAVE" or "RUN." He may very well, but if he pulls the plug on his, admittedly, good marriage to someone that *he* deems to be a "good Christian woman" before he has examined the other possibilities, he may suffer, as well. Three, being that intelligent people and unintelligent people, alike, have affairs. Sometimes, otherwise, intelligent people make unintelligent choices. Four, being that good people, sometimes, make bad decisions, and on occasion, bad people have been known to make the random good decision. We simply cannot explain everything in terms of black and white. Life is full of "gray" matter. Five, lots of people have character flaws..... all kinds of character flaws, with cheating being only one example of them. Should we shoot these people all in the head upon immediate discovery of their character flaws or simply ship them off to an island with all of the other people whose character is flawed? Six, your understanding of Christianity troubles me. While God hates all sin, including adultery, he does provide a way for redemption for cheaters and others with character flaws..... which I am certain covers each and every one of us. It is through the acceptance of Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savoir. Everyone sins and has fallen short of the glory of God. Not everyone is going to Hell. While adultery is a sin with devastating consequences to so many people, it is not the unpardonable sin, my friend. Seven,.............. nevermind.


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## Jonesey

Empty Inside said:


> Honestly, I usually stop myself before making this kind of post, but today I am going to let it rip.
> 
> There are at least a dozen reasons that I don't like your comment. One being, with your spelling, grammar and punctuation, I have serious doubts that you have the education required to have ever truly been a psychologist. Two, being that only the OP is in a position to decide, with certainty, if he will "SUFFER" if he doesn't "LEAVE" or "RUN." He may very well, but if he pulls the plug on his, admittedly, good marriage to someone that *he* deems to be a "good Christian woman" before he has examined the other possibilities, he may suffer, as well. Three, being that intelligent people and unintelligent people, alike, have affairs. Sometimes, otherwise, intelligent people make unintelligent choices. Four, being that good people, sometimes, make bad decisions, and on occasion, bad people have been known to make the random good decision. We simply cannot explain everything in terms of black and white. Life is full of "gray" matter. Five, lots of people have character flaws..... all kinds of character flaws, with cheating being only one example of them. Should we shoot these people all in the head upon immediate discovery of their character flaws or simply ship them off to an island with all of the other people whose character is flawed? Six, your understanding of Christianity troubles me. While God hates all sin, including adultery, he does provide a way for redemption for cheaters and others with character flaws..... which I am certain covers each and every one of us. It is through the acceptance of Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savoir. Everyone sins and has fallen short of the glory of God. Not everyone is going to Hell. While adultery is a sin with devastating consequences to so many people, it is not the unpardonable sin, my friend. Seven,.............. nevermind.


WoW you go girl Aw some response


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## Loveandpizza

richard931 said:


> sure my children are mine.thier looks and ages vouch for that .we were having an argument and she let it slip.i know about everything there is to know about it who it was,the city the motel and she swears it was one time thing.she is a good christian woman.but i dont know if i can trust her again or if i really want to at this point.she really seems like she wants to make our marrage work.in fact she has been wonderful to me all these years.if she had not let it slip i would have never expected it.i do feel like i have been living a lie and been made a fool.


I missed the part about a good Christian woman is supposed to cheat on her spouse. Some women become "Christian" later in life to try to make others think she is a good person and to control how others act by pretending to be holier than thou.


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## TDSC60

Please remember that you forgiving her for the pain and betrayal (you will eventually get there) does not mean that you have to stay married to her. You can forgive her for what she has done to you, wish her a happy life without you in it.

It is up to you if you stay or go.


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## MattMatt

Loveandpizza said:


> I missed the part about a good Christian woman is supposed to cheat on her spouse. Some women become "Christian" later in life to try to make others think she is a good person and to control how others act by pretending to be holier than thou.


That's not fair. You seem to be thinking of someone you know who is not Richard's wife.

Some people come late to Christianity, but then, that's cool with Jesus! He doesn't mind that!

Maybe Richard's wife realised that the affair was a secret that she could no longer keep as it was eating her up? She loved her husband so much that she risked her marriage for the truth?


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## Loveandpizza

MattMatt said:


> That's not fair. You weem to be thinking of someone you know who is not Richard's wife.
> 
> Some people come late to Christianity, but then, that's cool with Jesus! He doesn't mind that!
> 
> Maybe Richard's wife realised that the affair was a secret that she could no longer keep as it was eating her up? She loved her husband so much that she risked her marriage for the truth?


Yes, I do not know Richard's wife. I find your hypothesis hard to believe but it is possible. I was merely stating a possibility that is not thought of as much to add in to the other more obvious possibilities. There are many people that are Christian in name only and many that use it to their advantage.


----------



## Thor

I think the OP should consider why she told him now. Was this an attempt to get him to divorce her? Was it just a completely accidental slip? Was she feeling extreme guilt? Was someone else about to reveal it?

The motivation behind the revelation may help clarify how to proceed when the dust starts settling from the initial shock.


----------



## TroubledSexLife

Any updates?


----------



## mrstj4sho88

This is an example of not really knowing a person.


----------



## Entropy3000

akashNil said:


> Richard, I feel Sorry for what you are facing at this age. My wife has been cheating for me for around 25 years. So I know what you might be feeling. The only difference is that, I KNEW many of her affairs (after they happened. Mostly by other clues or people, and some by her own confessions. All complete PAs, and few EA+PA.).
> 
> Anyway, please think:
> 1. Isn't keeping quiet for 15 years is same as cheating for 15 years?
> 2. Even before 15 years, your good religious wife could directly jump into bed with someone, only for one day? I don't think she would be that cheap for accepting ONS.
> 3. Women don't say anything without purpose - even when they are angry. She must have had quite a few arguments before this with you. She didn't speak at that time.
> 
> Is she feeling guilty or relieved?
> Was the OM in contact with you/your wife/your family for any reason before and after that incident?
> 
> I am afraid that what you heard is just a tip of the iceberg. She must have cheated you all along - before that incident, and afterwards. Think 100 times before digging further.


She lied for 15 years. The only reason he knows is because she wanted to hurt him with this.

This may have been one time with one man. BUT, she may have don this at other times with other men as well. Now this could be true of many people but we do not irrational suspect them of cheating without some basis. Finding out about cheating after 15 years is enough to wonder if this was a life style or just a one time choice.

But agina she did not tell you because of guot or to set things right. It was to hurt you. THAT matters.

My main point is that you need to know what the scope of the betrayal is.
Then decide. But above all donot forgive anything until you know what it is you are forgiving.


----------



## AngryandUsed

Entropy3000 said:


> She lied for 15 years. The only reason he knows is because she wanted to hurt him with this.
> 
> This may have been one time with one man. BUT, she may have don this at other times with other men as well. Now this could be true of many people but we do not irrational suspect them of cheating without some basis. Finding out about cheating after 15 years is enough to wonder if this was a life style or just a one time choice.
> 
> But agina she did not tell you because of guot or to set things right. It was to hurt you. THAT matters.
> 
> My main point is that you need to know what the scope of the betrayal is.
> Then decide. But above all donot forgive anything until you know what it is you are forgiving.


Entropy, OP said that the truth slipped out of her tongue......


----------



## richard931

thank you for your words of wisdom they did give me a ray of hope.best wishes to you i hope things work out to the best for you.


----------



## snap

AngryandUsed said:


> Entropy, OP said that the truth slipped out of her tongue......


She slipped it in a heat of argument, no? 

Just shows that if BS never finds out about affair, the WS will hold it over their head as a point of superiority. It's certain that for one this spill there were many arguments where she thought of the OP cheated on but bit her tongue.


----------



## badbane

richard931 said:


> we have 2 beautiful children.we have been married 31 years i dont know how to accept this.dont know if i should stay or go.children are not at home any more.hate my wife one minute want to kill her the next then i want to love her.this has been more than i can stand.she says it only happened one time.


If she just up and told you. It is likely that you are just hearing the tip of the iceberg my friend. TT or trickle truth is what you are likely faced with. She probably told you just enough to make her conscience feel okay. The time frame makes it really hard to gather evidence. At this point you need to figure out if you need to know everything? and what you plan on doing from here on out. 

A) she cheated supposedly once (which 9/10 times is a lie)
B) She waited to tell you until she felt that you would sweep it under the rug. 

IMO it is ridiculous that a cheater would wait so long to come clean. The reason for it is....... fear. Fear that they will lose everything and everyone that really loves them. So she buried it instead of doing right by you and coming clean. 

I think you should treat this is if it just happened yesterday. Because I am sure to you it feels like it just happened yesterday. Don't hold back if your questions. Ask her who , when, and what ? see to the best of your ability if the times and dates match up. 

i hope that you can figure out what you want. I also hope you get what you need.


----------



## mrstj4sho88

I wish you the best of luck. Just know that she is a cheater and will lie. It is know telling what she has lied about. I think because the children are adults now . She told you because nothing now to lose. You need to get checked for STD and AIDS. It is better to be safe than sorry. You might think about moving on. Most time a cheater does not stop. Cheaters have problems with knowing limitations.


----------



## husbandfool

tip of the iceberg
good luck !


----------



## TheCrunch

badbane said:


> ... She probably told you just enough to make her conscience feel okay. The time frame makes it really hard to gather evidence. ...


Sadly for OP, I must agree with this.


----------



## hurtingbadly

A year out from discovering my WS cheated on me nine years ago. I really don't think there is a worse pain than questioning half your marriage... It has tainted memories of everything, family vacations... Just shoot to hell. Hugs, it's a terrible place to be in.


----------



## engneer319

Richard, this is your life. It sounds to me like you love your wife.

Let it go. We ALL have done stupid sh*t we regret.

You need to look inside yourself and ask yourself do you want to live your life with her or without her. From what you say, she has been a good wife to you and a good mother to your kids. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. 

Do you have a good sex life with her? I will tell you that in my experience if she is loving with you in bed, then you still have her heart. If you still have her heart, forgive and forget and live your life.


----------



## hurtingbadly

engneer319 said:


> Richard, this is your life. It sounds to me like you love your wife.
> 
> Let it go. We ALL have done stupid sh*t we regret.
> 
> You need to look inside yourself and ask yourself do you want to live your life with her or without her. From what you say, she has been a good wife to you and a good mother to your kids. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.
> 
> Do you have a good sex life with her? I will tell you that in my experience if she is loving with you in bed, then you still have her heart. If you still have her heart, forgive and forget and live your life.


I dunno about this. Discovering my WS's ONS from nine years ago has just about killed it for me in bed. We had great sex before, now I usually cry after it's over and still a year out can't do certain things anymore. I'm starting to think once that connection is broken...


----------



## richard931

yes will post them soon.


----------



## richard931

she has been a good wife,great mother,hard worker and our sex life is good or was before i found all this out.she seems truly remorseful & says she will make this up to me if it takes her the rest of her life.i feel like i should forgive & forget but dont know yet if i can.it hurts so bad sometimes just to look at her & think of that bastard laying on her having his way with her.


----------



## richard931

still chipping ice away.


----------



## TroubledSexLife

Richard,

How exactly did she let it slip out that she had a One night stand 15 years ago? Like what was the context of the argument?

It could very well be likely that she has lied to you again about the nature of the affair. DEMAND A POLYGRAPH. What is her reaction to a polygraph?

Who earns more money in the relationship? You or her? She may have stayed with you for the money.


----------



## the guy

richard931 said:


> she has been a good wife,great mother,hard worker and our sex life is good or was before i found all this out.she seems truly remorseful & says she will make this up to me if it takes her the rest of her life.i feel like i should forgive & forget but dont know yet if i can.it hurts so bad sometimes just to look at her & think of that bastard laying on her having his way with her.


You gotta force this crap out of your head, my favorite montra is "I diserve good things".

Its been a while since I've been around, so I have to say what your chick has done since and what she is doing now has to have some mirit.

Mind movies suck, again force them out and look at all the good crap that she has done. 

I'm wired a little different then most, and for me it just some poor @ss porno that was on the run, you have to believe that you are way better then that POS....an ego that tells your self and your old lady that you are better than that and you are the man...screw that POS...you have way more on him then he will ever have, cuz thats how you have to roll.

You are the sh!t man, don't let those thoughts screw with your head.......If anything climb on top of your chick and show her who the man really is. Again I'm wired different then most, and i hope it helps?

Confidence brother and an ego that *will* not let this crap define you!


----------



## Entropy3000

AngryandUsed said:


> Entropy, OP said that the truth slipped out of her tongue......


Yes. I know. She was angry and let that hurtful thing fly.

I got that.


----------



## JCD

Richard, we need to know some details here.

Here are a few questions/points which you need to bring up to her.

1) How did it come out in an argument and why was THIS agrument different from prior ones? Why did she decide to hurt you like this and how do you know that in future arguments that she won't twist the knife with some new or made up revelation?

2) Who is this person and why do you think that HE told you the truth? How often did your wife go on 'business trips'? How often was she with HIM on business trips? 

3) How did she go from 'good Christian woman' (I am not speaking that term in disparagement like half the posters) to 'someone willing to sleep with someone else?' That is not a small step and unless she can explain that, you have no faith that it WAS a one time thing. (see 'how many business trips )

4) Ask her how you are supposed to believe her since she's been so good at hiding the truth for 15 years. I'm sure she'll bring up 'don't you know me?' That question answers itself. Granted, you aren't perfect either but have you slept with someone else? Have you kept a lie from her for decades? Maybe. In which case that is a way to rationalize forgiveness.

Part of the reason to ask these questions is to make her FULLY and DIRELY aware of how much damage she has done to the relationship and her word and character.

She will, in a very short time, resent these insinuations to her character, particularly if it was a one time thing. She will feel, incorrectly, that she's 'paid the price' by 15 years of guilt and silence and the fact that she's folded your socks or givein you a bj occassionally as 'penance'. This is not the case. One doesn't 'pay the price' until the crime is known. Like murder, adultery does not have a statute of limitations.

And when she comes to you, resenting that you are calling her on this, mention the fact that every time she took a business trip or went to 'see her mom' you now have an image of her engaging in other, more sinful acts. Because she didn't come clean.

So lancing this boil will take a LOT of time. Grace on the cheap isn't grace at all. She gets to tell the children, turn in her cell phone and tell any surviving family members. SHE does this. The full truth as she told you.

It's up to you if you want to dig anymore. Don't ask any questions you don't want answers to.


----------



## Entropy3000

engneer319 said:


> Richard, this is your life. It sounds to me like you love your wife.
> 
> Let it go. We ALL have done stupid sh*t we regret.
> 
> You need to look inside yourself and ask yourself do you want to live your life with her or without her. From what you say, she has been a good wife to you and a good mother to your kids. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.
> 
> Do you have a good sex life with her? I will tell you that in my experience if she is loving with you in bed, then you still have her heart. If you still have her heart, forgive and forget and live your life.


This was a series of choices. Not a mistake.


----------



## the guy

Op's old lady made some screwed up choice years ago. The question I have is did she learn a lesson all those years ago? 

Did she continue to bang a bunch of guys like my chick did? Dude she may have learned alot more then alot of waywards have learned......

I mean there are alot of meesed up chicks that continue to crew over ther oldman, but your.....yours did some thing different, she saw and read between the lines and check her sh!t at the door and became a better women that learned by her mistakes.

Granted it sucks she didn't come clean back then, but now is now and your jacked up cause your pure white lady is not so pure or white.

I guess my point is her last 13 years has merit, don't forget about it.


----------



## JCD

the guy said:


> Op's old lady made some screwed up choice years ago. The question I have is did she learn a lesson all those years ago?
> 
> Did she continue to bang a bunch of guys like my chick did? Dude she may have learned alot more then alot of waywards have learned......
> 
> I mean there are alot of meesed up chicks that continue to crew over ther oldman, but your.....yours did some thing different, she saw and read between the lines and check her sh!t at the door and became a better women that learned by her mistakes.
> 
> Granted it sucks she didn't come clean back then, but now is now and your jacked up cause your pure white lady is not so pure or white.
> 
> I guess my point is her last 13 years has merit, don't forget about it.


Agreed. IF she is telling the truth. But there is no way to know that. So he must make a leap of faith.


----------



## hurtingbadly

This thread is really hitting close to me cause I didn't know about WS's ONS until eight years later and it has been messing with my head for a full year now. You start questioning EVERYTHING. I mean, if he did it once, lied to me for eight years how do I know he didn't do it again if he saw he could get away with it? It has totally changed my perception of him as a person and has sadly ruined all the family memories I had. Basically, he lied to me thru our kids' entire youth. So every picture I have of us on a family vacation I now see this man who was lying to me. It suddenly makes everything seem fake. Like a huge chunk of my life... GONE. There is no other way to say this, but he made a fool out of me. I trusted him and it was all a charade. 
Now I'm going back to the poly again... Debating. He bluffed me once, he might be bluffing me again. But, a year has gone by and I have only come up with more doubts in my mind from those past eight years... Counselor says I need to be prepared. If he passes I have to let the questions go, if he doesn't... I need to be prepared to hear him say the poly was bogus and/or decide what my action will be. It scares me really...


----------



## river rat

richard931 said:


> she is a good christian woman.and she made a terrible mistake.i know you are susposed to be able to forgive.i dont know if i can


Richard, here you will find empathy for your situation, and a lot of good advice, which is sometimes contradictory. It all depends on the individual and where he/she is in the process. I'm a long way down that road. I would advise making no decisions now. Give yourself some time to heal. This may have been 15yrs ago for her, but for you it was yesterday. Heck, your wounds haven't even stopped hemorrhaging yet, much less started to heal. This process will take years, no matter what you decide to do. A betrayal is a grievous injury. There will be times farther down the line, when you think that you are over it, and it will rear up and bite you. But reconciliation is possible, if that's the way you choose. I agree w/ the previous posters who recommended counseling. It will help most people. My wife could not bring herself to face a counselor, so I went by myself. I discovered an inner strength that I did not know I possessed. You have that, too. I wish for you and your family God's blessings and peace.


----------



## richard931

your so true.thanks


----------



## richard931

im taking her for poly.


----------



## richard931

thanks i needed to hear something positive.


----------



## JCD

richard931 said:


> im taking her for poly.


Just recall that even a poly is not a 100%. No, I'm not trying to ruin it for you. Instead I am stating that there are limits to what it can do (the 'inconclusives' will drive you nuts, particularly on important questions)

But the other encouraging thing is that if she AGREES to take it, SHE is...not making a leap of faith but putting herself in a position of vulnerability regarding her story vs what the polygraph shows. It shows a good intent to reconcile, a good intent to get it all out there, or resignation to what might be coming down the road (could be all of the above)

The important thing is to have a long talk with the man who administers the test, getting references for the administrator, and also working out very good questions.

I'd focus on questions which dealt with actions versus questions which deal with motives or desires. I WANT to sleep with that cosplay girl in the catwoman suit but it isn't my wants that are an issue; it's my actions.

Here is my suggested set of questions for dissection from the other posters.

Do you love me?

Do you want a divorce?

Did you sleep with Scumlord?

Did you sleep with Scumlord more then that one occasion?

Did you maintain a friendship with Scumlord after you slept with him?

Before you slept with Scumlord, were you flirting with Scumlord for a few weeks?

Were you drunk or drugged when you slept with Scumlord?

Did you spend time with Scumlord during other business meetings in a nonprofessional capacity?

Did you have sex with any other person besides Scumlord and me?

Did you engage in inappropriate flirting while on business trips?

Do you engage in inappropriate flirting in your office?

Do you have a male friend whom you contact more than three times a day in friendly, non-business oriented conversations?

Do you have any frienships with other adult males which your husband would disapprove of?

Do you discuss the intimate details of your marriage, including sexual activities or maritial problems with other men who are not relatives? (got to leave room for talking to her father or brother. You won't be happy with her talking to even them, but it's not an issue)

Have you had sex with anyone (note including females here) since your engagement to me?

Have you ever flirted inappropriately with anyone in a manner you wouldn't in front of your mother or husband?

Have you ever dated anyone since you were engaged?

Have you ever dated anyone since you were married?

Have you touched an adult male intimately since you were married besides Scumlord?

Have you shared a passionate kiss with anyone besides your husband or Scumlord since you were married?

Have you helped to cover for a friend's or co-workers infidelity? (Sort of out there, but it gives you a gauge of how she views cheating. It also distinguishes from just ignoring someone else's bad actions)

Do you love another non-relative man beyond platonic affection?

Have you had sex with another person besides Scumlord or your husband while not on a business trip?

Have you allowed another man to touch you sexually besides Scumlord or your husband?

Did you welcome such touches?

Were those boots you bought last week REALLY on sale? (You might as well since you're paying for it...)

Did you throw away your husband's favorite sneakers which smelled like a$$? (Lighten the mood a little)

Are you sorry you cheated on your husband?

Do you blame your husband for your cheating on him? (this is more to get to some deeper issues for counseling)



If you really want to be a bastard:

Are the children mine?

The answers to these questions are really to start a conversation for AFTER the poly. She can fill in the details for you later.


----------



## TheCrunch

Maybe I watch too many TV chat shows, but don't they normally limit you to about 3 questions only on a polygraph (aside from a couple of preliminary test questions such what is your name or how old are you (i.e. they know the answers to these Q's and can compare your reactions to the pertinent Qs to try and ascertain if you are being truthful)

If so, you need to choose your questions very carefully so that the answer can only be yes or no I would say.

Anyhow, no doubt all is explained before the polygraph takes place.


----------



## JCD

I think that's more of a factor of the average talk show viewer's attention span, the amount of time for a show, and budgetary restraints of the producers.

Edited to add: Did a quick run on the internet and read some polygraph guy's ad.

It seems that the standard is 'single issue' polygraph.

So, your single issue is did she cheat more then the one time she admitted. I think there will be multiple questions but it's all to answer that one question.

FWIW, they cited a price of around $500. About as much as you'd spend on a good mattress so you can sleep well at night. Take that for what it's worth.


----------



## the guy

Make sure you spend some quility time with the examiner so the questions are worded in the most effective way.

Do not tell her when the test will be...give a few dateds that are available and tell her to keep them open. the less prparation the better.

Again consult with the examiner before the test and get up to speed on what you can expect, and the best options in having an accurate/effective testing.


----------



## theroad

the guy said:


> Make sure you spend some quility time with the examiner so the questions are worded in the most effective way.
> 
> Do not tell her when the test will be...give a few dateds that are available and tell her to keep them open. the less prparation the better.
> 
> Again consult with the examiner before the test and get up to speed on what you can expect, and the best options in having an accurate/effective testing.


You want the WS to know when the appointment is. The pressure mounts on the WS and they usually will spill more of the beans.


----------



## mrstj4sho88

JCD said:


> Just recall that even a poly is not a 100%. No, I'm not trying to ruin it for you. Instead I am stating that there are limits to what it can do (the 'inconclusives' will drive you nuts, particularly on important questions)
> 
> But the other encouraging thing is that if she AGREES to take it, SHE is...not making a leap of faith but putting herself in a position of vulnerability regarding her story vs what the polygraph shows. It shows a good intent to reconcile, a good intent to get it all out there, or resignation to what might be coming down the road (could be all of the above)
> 
> The important thing is to have a long talk with the man who administers the test, getting references for the administrator, and also working out very good questions.
> 
> I'd focus on questions which dealt with actions versus questions which deal with motives or desires. I WANT to sleep with that cosplay girl in the catwoman suit but it isn't my wants that are an issue; it's my actions.
> 
> Here is my suggested set of questions for dissection from the other posters.
> 
> Do you love me?
> 
> Do you want a divorce?
> 
> Did you sleep with Scumlord?
> 
> Did you sleep with Scumlord more then that one occasion?
> 
> Did you maintain a friendship with Scumlord after you slept with him?
> 
> Before you slept with Scumlord, were you flirting with Scumlord for a few weeks?
> 
> Were you drunk or drugged when you slept with Scumlord?
> 
> Did you spend time with Scumlord during other business meetings in a nonprofessional capacity?
> 
> Did you have sex with any other person besides Scumlord and me?
> 
> Did you engage in inappropriate flirting while on business trips?
> 
> Do you engage in inappropriate flirting in your office?
> 
> Do you have a male friend whom you contact more than three times a day in friendly, non-business oriented conversations?
> 
> Do you have any frienships with other adult males which your husband would disapprove of?
> 
> Do you discuss the intimate details of your marriage, including sexual activities or maritial problems with other men who are not relatives? (got to leave room for talking to her father or brother. You won't be happy with her talking to even them, but it's not an issue)
> 
> Have you had sex with anyone (note including females here) since your engagement to me?
> 
> Have you ever flirted inappropriately with anyone in a manner you wouldn't in front of your mother or husband?
> 
> Have you ever dated anyone since you were engaged?
> 
> Have you ever dated anyone since you were married?
> 
> Have you touched an adult male intimately since you were married besides Scumlord?
> 
> Have you shared a passionate kiss with anyone besides your husband or Scumlord since you were married?
> 
> Have you helped to cover for a friend's or co-workers infidelity? (Sort of out there, but it gives you a gauge of how she views cheating. It also distinguishes from just ignoring someone else's bad actions)
> 
> Do you love another non-relative man beyond platonic affection?
> 
> Have you had sex with another person besides Scumlord or your husband while not on a business trip?
> 
> Have you allowed another man to touch you sexually besides Scumlord or your husband?
> 
> Did you welcome such touches?
> 
> Were those boots you bought last week REALLY on sale? (You might as well since you're paying for it...)
> 
> Did you throw away your husband's favorite sneakers which smelled like a$$? (Lighten the mood a little)
> 
> Are you sorry you cheated on your husband?
> 
> Do you blame your husband for your cheating on him? (this is more to get to some deeper issues for counseling)
> 
> 
> 
> If you really want to be a bastard:
> 
> Are the children mine?
> 
> The answers to these questions are really to start a conversation for AFTER the poly. She can fill in the details for you later.


With the poy not being 100 %, you still will not feel complete. You may never know everything.


----------



## Wazza

Hi, you say she's a good Christian woman, are you a good Christian man?

Read John 8:1-11 and ponder how Christ dealt with this cheater. A bit different from what you normally get on TAM.

Doesn't mean He excuses cheaters (adultery is biblical grounds for divorce). 

You can rebuild, but it's hard. If you are going to do it you need to really commit, cos it hurts.


----------



## EleGirl

richard931 said:


> we have 2 beautiful children.we have been married 31 years i dont know how to accept this.dont know if i should stay or go.children are not at home any more.hate my wife one minute want to kill her the next then i want to love her.this has been more than i can stand.she says it only happened one time.


She has been a good wife for 31 years. There was one time 15 years ago when she made a very bad decision. But since that time she's been a good wife.

My response would be different if she had been carrying on one or more affairs for some time. This was a ONS, followed by 15 years of being a good wife. 

There are concepts in Christianity that many Christians forget... forgiveness and redemption. It can be hard to achieve but it's what we are supposed to strive for. 15 years of being a good wife since then has to count for something. The ONS does not make those 15 years meaningless. It’s very common for people to be advised to not tell their spouse about infidelity and to spend the rest of their lives making it up to their spouse by loving them even more. Perhaps this is what your wife has been up to all these years.

My suggestion is that you get the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley. It will help you decide what do and it will guide you should you decide to try to repair your marriage.


----------



## Clear Blue Water

richard931 said:


> we have 2 beautiful children.we have been married 31 years i dont know how to accept this.dont know if i should stay or go.children are not at home any more.hate my wife one minute want to kill her the next then i want to love her.this has been more than i can stand.she says it only happened one time.


Let the Past stay in the Past. Forgive her and move on. That will be the easiest way to deal with this.


----------



## EleGirl

hurtingbadly said:


> This thread is really hitting close to me cause I didn't know about WS's ONS until eight years later and it has been messing with my head for a full year now. You start questioning EVERYTHING. I mean, if he did it once, lied to me for eight years how do I know he didn't do it again if he saw he could get away with it? It has totally changed my perception of him as a person and has sadly ruined all the family memories I had. Basically, he lied to me thru our kids' entire youth. So every picture I have of us on a family vacation I now see this man who was lying to me. It suddenly makes everything seem fake. Like a huge chunk of my life... GONE. There is no other way to say this, but he made a fool out of me. I trusted him and it was all a charade.
> Now I'm going back to the poly again... Debating. He bluffed me once, he might be bluffing me again. But, a year has gone by and I have only come up with more doubts in my mind from those past eight years... Counselor says I need to be prepared. If he passes I have to let the questions go, if he doesn't... I need to be prepared to hear him say the poly was bogus and/or decide what my action will be. It scares me really...


Poly's are wrong about 25% of the time. That means it could show lying when he's not. Or show him telling the truth when he's lying.

Even after the poly you will not know the truth because of the large margine of error. They are a terrible idea. 

Personally, I would never agree to a poly... especially if I were innocent. If the person does not believe me and wants to put me on trial using bad science as judge and jury... they can stuff it. I'd just get a divorce.

Might as well try dunking him in a river.. you know if he floats instead of drowns he's lying. Thus he has to drown to prove his innocence.


----------



## EleGirl

richard931 said:


> im taking her for poly.


They are inaccurate about 25% of the time. After the poly you will still not know if you can believe the results... thus her.

There is a reason they are not allowed as evidence in court.


----------



## JCD

EleGirl said:


> She has been a good wife for 31 years. There was one time 15 years ago when she made a very bad decision. But since that time she's been a good wife.
> 
> My response would be different if she had been carrying on one or more affairs for some time. This was a ONS, followed by 15 years of being a good wife.



Let me make this very simple for the OP in this context: does her latest fifteen years of service as a wife make up for a 2 year affair that fizzled out?

I don't know how good a wife she's been, how hot a wife she's been, or how affectionate she's been. Assume that she's lying to you out of guilt and she had a full fledged affair which eventually faded out for...who cares what the reasons are. She stopped and she's with you.

Can you get over that? Has she, as you state, been exemplary besides that?

IF you can (and you may have good reason to) then DROP IT! Keep an eye on Jeezabel NOW but let the past lie.

If she's wasn't the exemplar you made her out to be, you need to make some tough choices...because repeat affairs are sort of common. Repeat ONS...less so. Have her explain (with a counseler) all the steps that lead up to the affair so you know she can't or won't make that mistake again.

I'd probably keep her.


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## dogman

Clear Blue Water said:


> Let the Past stay in the Past. Forgive her and move on. That will be the easiest way to deal with this.


 Nope, this is called rugsweeping and is too easy for the WS to do again or to feel guiltless about the many times they strayed.
Easy is not always the best.


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## tonyarz

15 years ago! If my wife told me that she slept with someone 15 years ago I would just let it go, move on and enjoy your happiness with the wife.


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## F-102

EleGirl said:


> She has been a good wife for 31 years. There was one time 15 years ago when she made a very bad decision. But since that time she's been a good wife.
> 
> My response would be different if she had been carrying on one or more affairs for some time. This was a ONS, followed by 15 years of being a good wife.
> 
> There are concepts in Christianity that many Christians forget... forgiveness and redemption. It can be hard to achieve but it's what we are supposed to strive for. 15 years of being a good wife since then has to count for something. The ONS does not make those 15 years meaningless. It’s very common for people to be advised to not tell their spouse about infidelity and to spend the rest of their lives making it up to their spouse by loving them even more. Perhaps this is what your wife has been up to all these years.
> 
> My suggestion is that you get the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley. It will help you decide what do and it will guide you should you decide to try to repair your marriage.


You say that her conduct as a wife was good 99.9% of the time. She made only ONE mistake, and it should be forgiven and forgotten. 

There was a certain football coach who gave 45 years of exemplary, at times outstanding, service to Penn State. He too, made a bad decision by deciding not to turn his fellow coach and friend in.

Those 45 years of outstanding service now mean nothing. His statue, which he rightfully earned, has been removed. He is now a virtual "non-person" to the NCAA. His team will be paying the price for some years. All anyone will remember him for is that "one bad decision". 

Do you think that Joe Paterno's momentary indiscretion should be forgiven?


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## hurtingbadly

richard931 said:


> im taking her for poly.


I finally booked mine - $500 and you only get three questions. I've got it down to four questions. Really struggling which three to ask cause all four are important to me. I still need to go over everything with the examiner. WS gave me the money for the down payment the other day. I'm hoping that's a good sign, like maybe he's not bluffing this time and has really come clean. I know he had a ONS nine years ago and lied to me for all those years. That's hard enough. But, given I've been going crazy for a year doubting the years I was in the dark... It's just time to do the poly so I can hopefully get some peace. The hurt is still there from knowing what he did, but if I can spare myself all the agonizing doubts that would be helpful.


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## Malaise

The admission of one affair came out in an arguement, probably in an attempt to hurt the OP.

However, that's ONE admission to ONE affair.

I think OP needs to find out if there were others.


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## Doc Who

Glad she is doing a poly. They are not reliable, but she is likely either terrified because she has had more than one affair (unfortunately, very likely) or relieved to show her H she is not a serial cheater.

My question for you is how did this "one time only" deal become a two-year affair? I missed something that seems a whole like trickle truth (trickle lies)


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## JCD

Excuse me. I wasn't clear. 

I was positing it as a worst case scenario.

If he can get over a worst case scenario like that in his mind, then he shouldn't pursue this.

If he can't, then he needs to find out if it was lesser offense..and if he can get over THAT.

I should have clarified better.


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## CleanJerkSnatch

EleGirl said:


> She has been a good wife for 31 years. There was one time 15 years ago when she made a very bad decision. But since that time she's been a good wife.
> 
> My response would be different if she had been carrying on one or more affairs for some time. This was a ONS, followed by 15 years of being a good wife.
> 
> There are concepts in Christianity that many Christians forget... forgiveness and redemption. It can be hard to achieve but it's what we are supposed to strive for. 15 years of being a good wife since then has to count for something. The ONS does not make those 15 years meaningless. It’s very common for people to be advised to not tell their spouse about infidelity and to spend the rest of their lives making it up to their spouse by loving them even more. Perhaps this is what your wife has been up to all these years.


*OP DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS!* 
This is bologna!

I will quote Bishop Fulton Sheen since elegirl brought up christianity.

"False compassion which is gradually growing in this country is a pity that is shown not to the mugged but to the mugger, not to the family of the murdered but to the murder, not to the woman who was raped but to the rapist..."

"...'He called me a tramp, imagine that he called me a tramp' and the other girl says, 'i don't understand it, just because you go out and do all the things that a tramp does and steal and so forth doesn't mean that you're really not a nice girl.' "

In the end he says love the sinner hate the sin.

15 years ago, she cheated and received NO CONSEQUENCES for her actions. On the contrary to what elegirl said she deceived her husband, she has lied and kept it from her loved ones for 15 years and she did not confess. She is a liar and needs to repent and remorse for her actions and the 15 "great years" after her affair is not the sentence for her actions or the consequenc, it was simply HER DUTY from the START to her husband to give him great years. 

You cannot justify her infidelity with something she was expected to do FROM THE moment she took her vows!


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## Thor

It may be the case that this was a one time error she made, and she has been remorseful ever since. It may be true that she has otherwise been a faithful and good wife throughout the marriage.

Regardless, the betrayed will doubt the entire relationship, especially the years since the affair. This doesn't go away even if it is established the affair was only the one event.

It is naive to think the OP can simply rationalize his way to forgetting about it.


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## TheCrunch

tonyarz said:


> 15 years ago! If my wife told me that she slept with someone 15 years ago I would just let it go, move on and enjoy your happiness with the wife.


I imagine that alot of people would indeed want to do this but, in practise, you *cannot erase your memory*. It's always going to be in the back of your mind and at any time it might rear up to haunt and/or hurt you - this would be ongoing for the rest of your life wouldn't it. 

How would you get peace of mind? How do you accept that you will never be sure that you know the whole truth?


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## Wazza

TheCrunch said:


> I imagine that alot of people would indeed want to do this but, in practise, you *cannot erase your memory*. It's always going to be in the back of your mind and at any time it might rear up to haunt and/or hurt you - this would be ongoing for the rest of your life wouldn't it.
> 
> How would you get peace of mind? How do you accept that you will never be sure that you know the whole truth?


How do know the next person won't either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tonyarz

I really wouldn't worry about the truth and I doubt she could tell me the whole truth being that is was so long ago. I mean I couldn't tell you about any relationship I had in detail from 15 years ago.


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## Doc Who

There is wisdom in the statement that "You will never know the full truth." It is a fact and something you will have to live with whether you divorce or try to R.

But you do need to know if this is really a one off or repeated pattern of behavior. Either way, your wife betrayed your marriage, you and especially herself. If she is remorseful, she will do whatever is needed to make herself a person worthy of being loved.

Good luck to you


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## lovelygirl

It bothers me the fact that she told her secret out of spite during a fight and not out of guilt/remorse.
This makes me think she could have cheated on you out of spite as well.


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