# End of rope after 20yrs help



## Jadedone (Jul 15, 2013)

Please read i have no one else to turn too.

Where to start, this will be a long painful story, but must be told. About us, married 20yrs with 3 kids m21, f18, m15. I was an active duty Marine when we met, 24yrs old. She was 22 and had just had a child from previous bad relationship. The kid was less then a month old at the time. They both stole my heart. Looking back i realize that a big part was I wanted a family, wanted out of the barracks and suffer from knight in shinning armor syndrome. I wanted to rescue and take care of them. I did, we married 2 months later. I was raised and believed that marriage is a do or die trying till death do us part commitment. 

The first couple yrs were good raising the baby and being newlyweds. Big wake up was that she kept a very dirty house and I wasn't raised that way and one person can only do so much. She also had very poor taste in friends and people she associated with. Thats when the honeymoon was over and I just kept chugging along. 

We had our daughter then shortly moved (PCS reenlisted) from Cal to Virginia. Her cousin lived nearby and was going through a divorce. I guess with me being busy and her hanging out with her cousin and her new found freedom was too much. She had an affaire which ended with her leaving a note and taking my kids and both cars with the other guy back to Cal to her moms. I was beyond devastated but out of commitment to the marriage pleaded for two months for her to come back. I took leave and went and got them. She was drinking and partying and god knows what else while was away. I've never got many details. We slept together on the way home and 9ish months later our last son was born. To be honest even after all these yrs not 100% hes mine. I've done the math and its too close to call. She even says she don't remember what all she did, but is sure hes mine. This was 93'-94' time frame. 

Well we've muddled along her changing and becoming a better person and wife me dead inside despite trying to pretend otherwise. I got out of the Marines in 2001 and we moved back to my home town. 

Summer of 2004 she and the kids go on vacation to her sisters. She comes home pregnant, I had a vasectomy after our last 9ysr before. She said she had gone out got dunk and met some one nighter. I sorta moved out for a a couple weeks but got back together. She lost the baby. I felt bad but happy athe the same time.

Now its 2013 and she has changed allot. If I were to meet her today she my be ok. She really has changed allot. But I have as well. The life has been sucked out of me for soo long I believe its past the point of no return. The mear thought of our marriage I am indifferent, jaded, resentful and the list just goes on and on. I keep telling and thinking to myself that if I can pretend long enough I might get those feelings back. I do love and care very much for her, but also hate at the same time. But not the way a man should love his wife. 

I am an insecure person and have not shared these feelings with her for fear of hurting her. But I know she knows I've not been happy for yrs even though I say yes when she ask. I just feel like I cant go on any longer. Ill be 44 next month, call it a mid life crisis but I think of all the happiness and joy I've missed out on and continue to and will continue too. We have nothing in common share very few likes and the youngest will be gone in a couple yrs I hate to think of a future when were alone. 

I cant be honest with her or myself. its been so long, tired of being empty and hurting.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is happening in your mid-life and it is a crisis, but it's not the standard mid-life crisis. What your heart and head are saying, in my opinion, is that you have had enough and you want out.

Why can't you be honest with her?


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

So what have you two tried to make your marriage work this long? Do you want your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

If you met her today would you date her? 

Do you trust her enough to let her go on vacation with the kids again?...You don't have to answer yes...

Have you been monitoring her outgoing and incoming communications for signs of cheating?

If you think you MIGHT want to give her a shot at a continuing relationship, try this...It is cheap, quick, and effective.....

Get a copy of the book "the 5 love languages"...Get away from the kids for a weekend, and do the book as a couple.....

It helps a couple get in touch with what it takes to fulfill your partner emotionally....It is not nearly as SUCKEY as it sounds and actually is just good common sense....

It helped me and my wife after 46 years of marriage......

It is worth the ten bucks, and may tell you if you want to make any further investment....

the woodchuck


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## Jadedone (Jul 15, 2013)

She still is invested in the marriage. I haven't been for yrs. If I stop and dwell on it I can momentarily convince myself it might get better if I would let it. I don't think I can. I find myself thinking a thousand times a day how much I hate my life and her, every day.


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## Jadedone (Jul 15, 2013)

at this point I don't know if I would care if she cheating again, I don't believe she is. The damage was done yrs ago She gets upset that I'm not romantic or passionate, that flame is so cold.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like you're starting to gather your courage to make a move. These are very serious thoughts. Even if you wind up staying together, you should be honest with her, in my opinion.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just move out.

If she really wants the marriage and not just the convenience and money (which I doubt), she will then have to bust her butt to earn you back. And if she doesn't, you will be free.


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## Jadedone (Jul 15, 2013)

I believe she realy does want it and she does try and has tried to make me want it. That in a way makes it worse for me. It like too little too late I dont feel anyting but bad things, and I know shes trying, so now I feel the bad guy.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I've known two men personally who were in a very similar position. They were married for a long time and came to feel much like you do. They, too, were good men who didn't want to hurt their wives.

They both divorced and said that the burden that was lifted was huge. They were so much happier and so much more at peace with themselves that they couldn't believe it. They didn't realize how different life could be for them. They also said that their worries about hurting their wives was overblown. In their cases, both of them, the wives survived quite well. Each man remarried, one a year after the divorce & the other a few years after.

So, in my opinion, you need to balance your care for your wife's hurt against your own happiness and peace. It's hard to hurt someone else, but you don't have to sacrifice your life for her. You just don't.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd say you are at a point of maturity where you are realizing that you have for a long time accepted being abused by her repeated and remorseless cheating and you are coming to realize that you've been sort of insane to have put up with it.

Her taking your kid and the cars, her going on vacation and coming back knocked up from yet another affair.

You put up with it, and now you are looking back and rightly asking, WTF where you thinking? And you are looking forward in your life and realizing you really don't deserve more of the same.

That you've got only one life and you deserve someone who will actually love and value and respect you.

A wife who goes on vacation and without guilt comes back knocked up does not in any way imaginable respect her husband. Not in the least.

Your gut is telling you that you have a lot of great life ahead of you, but the one person keeping you from any hope of happiness is her. If you can find the strength you can dump her and begin enjoying life.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Jadedone said:


> I believe she realy does want it and she does try and has tried to make me want it. That in a way makes it worse for me. It like too little too late I dont feel anyting but bad things, and I know shes trying, so now I feel the bad guy.


Sorry, but there is no way she wants the marriage given her actions. I'm wondering is she now at the point where her looks are going and her prospects are getting poorer so she's trying to get you to stick around as her long term plan B?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Jadedone said:


> I believe she realy does want it and she does try and has tried to make me want it. That in a way makes it worse for me. It like too little too late I dont feel anyting but bad things, and I know shes trying, so now I feel the bad guy.



I totally understand this too little too late thinking. Move on if you are mentally and financially able. Heck, you're young with many more good years in you with someone new.


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## Jadedone (Jul 15, 2013)

maybe if we had properly dealt / counseled with the affairs after all it was 9 and 15 yrs ago things would be different. They say time heals all it also along time for something to fester and sour.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Jadedone said:


> maybe if we had properly dealt / counseled with the affairs after all it was 9 and 15 yrs ago things would be different. They say time heals all it also along time for something to fester and sour.


It's also never too late to choose to change the path you've been going.

Btw, those two are likely not the only two times she's cheated. Just the ones you caught her at.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jadedone said:


> I believe she realy does want it and she does try and has tried to make me want it. That in a way makes it worse for me. It like too little too late I dont feel anyting but bad things, and I know shes trying, so now I feel the bad guy.


 How has she tried? Do you have all her passwords? Does she give you her itinerary every single day? Did she go to your parents and hers and admit the truth and apologize to them and beg their forgiveness? Did she tell your siblings what she did? Your pastor? Did she schedule a polygraph for herself and take it? Did she go to a lawyer and set up a postnup agreement that she signed so if she cheats again she walks away with nothing? Did she cancel her FB account and any other? Did she schedule a MC appointment as well as her own IC?

And you feel like a bad guy? Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet? What about Married Man Sex Life Primer? What about Hold On To Your N.U.T.S.? If you haven't, feeling like a bad guy holds no merit.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Jadedone said:


> maybe if we had properly dealt / counseled with the affairs after all it was 9 and 15 yrs ago things would be different. They say time heals all it also along time for something to fester and sour.


 You only stuck around for the children, and now that the youngest one is almost out of the house, there is no reason to stay. She was a serial cheater that humiliated you as much as she could. Not only did she leave you for one of her other men, she did not even hide it from her mother as the other man (OM) moved with her. To show you even more humiliation, she not only took her car when she left, but she took your car too when she left so that the OM could drive it; she let him totally disrespect you and your marraige in front of her family. You were a good dad to stick by her this long. I could not have done it. Now is the time to go find someone that will thank God every day that she has found you. Someone that you do not have to try not to hate because she is a good person.

The math is such that until women are in there 40s they have the upper hand in that they are chased by men. When men are in their 40s the math changes such the men have the upper hand and can usually even get younger women. She took advantage of you when when the math was on her side, and it is only natural that you want do the same now that it is on your side. I would be so out of there.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This is another prime example of what happens when you sweep affairs under the rug - your hurt feelings and resentment fester for years until you begin tripping over that huge lump in the rug. 

And now you're emotionally done. I very seriously doubt that you can get those feelings back. You said that even though she's already changed, the spark that you had for her is now gone.

Because of her serial cheating, you have the right to divorce her. She will do it again because she knows she can get away with it. In her mind, since you've swept all her other affairs under the rug with no consequences, she can do it again in the future.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Quotes of Jadedone
> 
> We have nothing in common share very few likes and the youngest will be gone in a couple yrs I hate to think of a future when were alone.
> 
> ...




Jade
RUN FOREST RUN!!!

From what you have said you are being eaten alive because of your wife’s actions.
Unless you have some miracle complete change of heart you need to plan a new life without her. Plan your divorce carefully and then execute; your health and well being depends on it.

Also, get some help with your emotions from any competent source you can. *You are damaged and you need to build yourself up.*

If you get better and she really is a changed person you will still have the option in the future to get back together. Make sure that she proves herself for YEARS! *Right now you need to stop the degeneration of your whole personhood.*

Blunt


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are 44, with a woman who you basically cannot stand to be with

She has maybe grown-up matured---or faced the fact, that if you leave her---she probably will not make it on her own---(does she work, have any job skills)---she knows she needs to do what is necessary to stay in the mge---problem is you do not have a mge------you have you, sucking it up, and living in misery

She may have been a wild child, and has grown-up, but what she did to you, and the way she did it--should have ended your relationship then and there (1st cheating incident)

As to now---you are about to be in a home with her, and her only---you basically abhor her, and are not to far from going 24/7 with her---for once retired/all kids out of the house---you are 24/7, and it is not like a mge---where there are others around, or one or both of you is out working---you will be with each other ALL THE TIME

If you can't stand to be with her---do what you gotta do--

---you live in misery now---your misery will be 1000 times worse when you are with her 24/7

If you leave she has no legit gripe---she knows what she did to you---and she had no problem doing it---so don't stay with her, cuz you feel sorry for what leaving her, might do----this last indiscretion---having the ONS---should have been enuff for you---if nothing else, it should have told you--she doesn't give a sh*t for you----she doesn't really reciprocate the love, you have shown/given her---she goes out and has sex with strangers, that's how she reciprocates your love 

You get one trip thru life on this planet---one trip only---right now you are living in misery----the misery will deepen, as the 2 of you will be thrown together more and more----you still have many good yrs ahead of you---get out now, and start a new life---there is a great big world out there, and life can still be wonderful for you---it will NEVER be anything more than miserable with the woman you now stay with.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Are you having counselling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And don't confuse her not currently having an affair with her being a faithful partner to you.

Her cheating, the small amount you know about, shows a long term pattern of having no commitment or value for the marriage, in fact the things she did were blatantly humiliating and hateful.

Not just leaving, but talking both cars with her

Having you get sniped, but the going out to get knocked up, and the come hone expecting you to take her back and if it has been born , actual raise the other mans child?

Those are the actions of a woman who despises her husband and has more guilt over humiliating and hurting him.

Listen to your gut and get out.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Jaded, this is no way for you to live.

I think you might benefit from some individual counseling. Not because you're nuts. You're not! For some reason you have an unreasonable dedication to a marriage which does not and never did really exist. There is something blocking you from allowing yourself happiness.

Your work probably offers some free confidential counseling via EAP (Employee Assistance Program). It is there for precisely this kind of situation you are in. Nobody at your employer will ever know you went. It is truly totally confidential.

I would also suggest a couple of books for you. "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay", and "No More Mr. Nice Guy". There's a forum at No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin which you might check out too.

Why do you think marriage is forever despite multiple affairs? The Bible allows for divorce for infidelity. Your wife was pregnant by another man! I don't understand why you think you are still obligated. Your wife certainly never felt obligated to abide by her side of the deal. Did your parents divorce?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP the decision to stay or go is yours to make. That said, if you keep doing the same thing you can expect the same from life. 

I'd be gone and rebuild my life. You have given this more than a fair shot trying to overcome her infidelity. She already let the marriage down. You are not the bad guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Jadedone said:


> I believe she realy does want it and she does try and has tried to make me want it. That in a way makes it worse for me. It like too little too late I dont feel anyting but bad things, and I know shes trying, so now I feel the bad guy.


You aren't the bad guy, she is. But you did allow yourself to be a door mat. 

Since she received no consequences from her first affair, she had no fear that you would ever leave her. So she lost all respect for you and it continued. And still, no consequences for her. She will most certainly cheat again. She's a serial cheater and that's not going to change. 

But now, the likelihood of cheating again is really not the main issue. The main issue now, is your regret for not doing what you should have a long time ago, and for allowing yourself to be disrespected time and time again. 

Her lack of respect for you is permanently ingrained. It will not go away as long as you're married to her.

You don't have to feel an ounce of guilt for finally giving her the consequence she deserves - even if it's taken you this long to finally understand this. 

You deserve better than her.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Have you considered a DNA test on the one child? He/she is certainly old enough to fully understand what would be happening, so it would not be secret. Whether or not you are bio-dad does not change that you are in every other way the parent of this child. 

Some would argue that the child has the right to know his/her genetic heritage for health reasons in the future. With all the genetic testing which will be done as part of regular health screenings it may well come to light in the fairly near future if you are not bio-dad.

Plus your peace of mind may be be helped by knowing.

It is not a simple thing to figure out if doing the test now is the right thing. It is something though that you can choose to do if you decide it is the right thing for you.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Being cheated on is never easy, regardless of the circumstances. That being said, I think that everyone is entitled to make one mistake. After all we are humans. But, cheating on you SEVERAL times and getting pregnant by another man is a completely different level. I am sorry but, you wife sounds like a careless, selfish and self centered woman. The amount of pain and betrayal she did, cannot be undone and forgotten.

Find someone who loves you and treats you with respect. You already hit rock bottom. Now, you can only go up. Dont be afraid of change!


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Jadedone said:


> She still is invested in the marriage..


Still?? It sounds like she never took it seriously. Cheating on you, several times, is a testament to that.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You sound to be in deep pain.


Jadedone said:


> maybe if we had properly dealt / counseled with the affairs after all it was 9 and 15 yrs ago things would be different. They say time heals all it also along time for something to fester and sour.


This, you put things under the carpet, never dealt with anything. It never works as things always come to bit us later. Also, deep down you know what you are aware of is not more than the tip of the iceberg.

Take some practical steps, talk to a lawyer and get the different scenarios/outcomes regarding finances and such. Get a solid picture on how day to day life could be if you decide to pull the trigger.

Maybe and IC could help you deal with this. You were cruely abused for so long. Regardless the outcome you need to find a way to unburden yourself of this hate, for your own sake.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.
Its time for you to do things differently, means time for a lawyer and run to the forest.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

I think you feel guilty about leaving her. But don't despair, just take the plunge and you'll find that over time things will go smoothly. Divorce isn't easy but in your case it will be easier because:-

1.) Your kids are all grown up and a talk explaining to them exactly what their mom did without going into the gory details and how you trudged on like a real trooper will allay their doubts and questions regarding your divorce.

2.) You're already detached from her emotionally. Its all a matter of putting that first step forward.


With that you take two major variables out of the divorce equation.

So, good luck friend and go see a lawyer. You have one life and since 40 is the new 20 you should be able to upgrade to a better, more faithful wife with relative ease. Don't waste it trying to hold the pieces together, because if I'm not mistaken there's really nothing left that binds the two of you together save for the decree.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Whatever you decide to do, your kids deserve the truth regardless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jadedone said:


> Summer of 2004 she and the kids go on vacation to her sisters. *She comes home pregnant, I had a vasectomy after our last 9ysr before*. She said she had gone out got dunk and met some one nighter. I sorta moved out for a a couple weeks but got back together. She lost the baby. I felt bad but happy athe the same time.


This is horrifying, I don't know how you were able to sweep this under the rug. This would be a deal breaker for me, absolutely. The worst thing about it is that this might have just been the tip of the iceberg and there are many possibilities here.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Rugsweeping is merely lying to yourself and that was what you did. You told yourself your wife was basically a good person and that you should stick it out for the kids because that was the "right" thing to do. You kept telling yourself this lie until you believed it. 

I would argue your wife is not a good person. I think in her mind she settled for you and although she may have an affectionate regard for you as a friend and provider, you were far from the kind of man she wanted back when she married you and up until her most recent affair. I agree there were more affairs than she has admitted to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

When you are in a better stronger mental state you should DNA all the kids but wait until you get some ic.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The first thing you need to do, before you make any life changing decisions, is to find a counselor that is experienced with PTSD and infidelity. You have tried to go it alone for all this time. I do not know if you had combat experiences or not. PTSD counseling is not just for combat though. Other veterans have said that the trauma of being cheated on felt as bad or worse than being in actual combat. Being cheated on is like losing a member of your family. It feels wrong to say it but in my case I felt guilty because it seemed worse than some of the deaths of relatives I have gone through.

DO NOT DISCOUNT THE PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE this has done to you. Get help, discuss this with the counselor, and then make the decision you need to make.

Good luck and prayers.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You're done with this marriage long ago, time to let go and heal. Can't heal with her around and it's never going to work at this point IMO.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am not surprised you have nothing left to give to this relationship. You sacrificed a great deal to be there for a woman and her child and your children. Sounds like she has grown as a human being but it may also be too little to late for you. She may be a great person for someone else. 

She took too much from you. You have a lot of love and loyalty to get and I think it is time you close this chapter and find out what it is like to be loved and cherished and to return those feelings. 

Your wife got more in the last 20 years than many a better wife has gotten. Now its her turn to sacrifice for your happiness. She should be understanding and let you go. She should thank you fit all you have done and then get out of your way. 

If it comes to D, let your kids know why. Not in graphic details but just that there were serious problems that killed your love and feelings of commitment. I hope you will be brave enough to rescue yourself the way you rescued your wife and her child all those years ago.

BTW there is hope for you for sure. Your marriage may be dead but you are alive and kicking it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Your gut is telling you that you have a lot of great life ahead of you, but the one person keeping you from any hope of happiness is her. If you can find the strength you can dump her and begin enjoying life.


I'd modify that to say the only one keeping you from any hope of happiness is *you*. 

You have allowed this to fester, as you said. It's like gangrene or leprosy -- it keeps eating at you until the flesh is all gone. 

Don't let that happen to you! No mate on this planet is worth that, if they were the last person on Earth.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Your wife got more in the last 20 years than many a better wife has gotten. Now its her turn to sacrifice for your happiness.


I agree with this. You should not feel bad or guilty. You've taken the hits. Now go live a happier life.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> I am not surprised you have nothing left to give to this relationship. You sacrificed a great deal to be there for a woman and her child and your children. Sounds like she has grown as a human being but it may also be too little to late for you. She may be a great person for someone else.
> 
> She took too much from you. You have a lot of love and loyalty to get and I think it is time you close this chapter and find out what it is like to be loved and cherished and to return those feelings.
> 
> ...


:iagree: x20


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> If it comes to D, let your kids know why. Not in graphic details but just that there were serious problems that killed your love and feelings of commitment. I hope you will be brave enough to rescue yourself the way you rescued your wife and her child all those years ago.


I agree with this but I don't think you need to censor for the kids. They are all old enough to understand what cheating means. They will be angry at you later on when they find out you lied about this.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Suspecting said:


> I agree with this but I don't think you need to censor for the kids. They are all old enough to understand what cheating means. They will be angry at you later on when they find out you lied about this.


But that would be punishing the mother by putting her in a bad light. Why should one parent preserve the apprearence of good of the other? Because no matter how old children are they love their parents. 

That love does not die when the parent betray that trust. Why risk mental anguish. I dont think that any child deserves to be put in that position. 

OP, make a clean break. Avoid the drama of full desclosure and the pain the revelations will cause your kids. You walk away with a clear heart. Do let them know probkems have existed for decades. did not want to D because of the effect it would have on them. Make it so that they are left with a good opinion of you and your wife. 

If your wife speaks poorly of you, take her aside and ask her if she would like to have a family meeting and tell the full story. Let her know that you will support her while she tells the kids. It is either that or part on good terms. 

She owes you that. She knows it too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Two of them are adults and the youngest one is 15. My opinion is they should be honest with them, they need to learn about why these things happen. Not to feed them stories about storks bringing babies.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Suspecting said:


> Two of them are adults and the youngest one is 15. My opinion is they should be honest with them, they need to learn about why these things happen. Not to feed them stories about storks bringing babies.


They are going to ask why now they are divorcing the truth will come out eventually.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

tom67 said:


> They are going to ask why now they are divorcing the truth will come out eventually.


Maybe but it should not come from their father. They will have more respect for him for attempting to shield them from negative feelings about their mother. 

I feel it is vital for parents to consider that no matter what their spouse did in the relationship, the kids identify with that parent. It is not the spouse that is being protected, its the parent. It is not for the spouse but for the children. 

If they find out then he should discuss it with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jadedone (Jul 15, 2013)

Thanks so much for the responses. Pretty much what I know down deep but to afraid to act on. Just keep fooling myself to think it can work out when I don't really want it too. Its just been so long kind comfortable in the funk but its killing me. I said Id forgive her and we would try. I never really tried, forgave much as I could I guess, never forget. So many things bring it up in my mind. Marriage is work to start with with a lot of little things that are amplified by the affairs. When your always in a state of resentment there is no tolerance just misery.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then change your dance.

You only get one life; use it better. Use it the way your parents wanted you to.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Jadedone said:


> Thanks so much for the responses. Pretty much what I know down deep but to afraid to act on. Just keep fooling myself to think it can work out when I don't really want it too. Its just been so long kind comfortable in the funk but its killing me. I said Id forgive her and we would try. I never really tried, forgave much as I could I guess, never forget. So many things bring it up in my mind. Marriage is work to start with with a lot of little things that are amplified by the affairs. When your always in a state of resentment there is no tolerance just misery.


You have gotten great advice here just remember if you don't make a change that is a choice, good luck.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Jaded perhaps going to IC to help you resolve your feelings and to support and help you to approach your wife. 

I can't see why you feel you did not try. You did that twice and continued for a long time. 

Is your conflict that your wife is a different person? She has grown into the type of person you hoped for years ago?. That is good for her and her reward is that she will find someone to love her for who she is now. 

You stuck with her when your family needed you the most. You had every right to D at that time. But you stuck it out. She is married on borrowed time so to speak. 

The consequences of the past is happening now. She hurt a good husband and destabilized the lives of her kids in the past, all for selfish pursuits. It may seem unfair that she is about to lose you now that she has changed. 

Looking at it from my dispassionate viewpoint, you were never rewarded for your commitment. 

It's late but, you need this or you will be miserable for the rest of your life. That is more unfair than the late consequences she will suffer. She created this, you didn't.

Don't give in to inertia. Take a leap of faith.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I can't see why you feel you did not try. You did that twice and continued for a long time.



*This man is damaged and cannot see he should not be blaming himself.* According to his posts his wife has ruined this relationship and he feels that he did not do enough? !!!!!! That is a red flag that says that this man needs to get help for his self esteem immediately. That is why I posted the below several posts ago





> Also, get some help with your emotions from any competent source you can. You are damaged and you need to build yourself up.



Jade if you do not get on top of your self image you will become a permanent door mat. *You getting yourself better is just as important as you getting away from your wife. *

Blunt


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Jadedone said:


> maybe if we had properly dealt / counseled with the affairs after all it was 9 and 15 yrs ago things would be different. They say time heals all it also along time for something to fester and sour.


Practice does not make Perfect... Perfect Practice makes Perfect. Doing the wrong thing over and over will never teach you how to do things the right way.

Yes, you are having a MLC. You chose to be with her. Your heart is empty for her and her selfishness. So don't follow your heart, for it will surely deceive you. Lead your heart. You have children together so do not forget your actions will affect them and their opinion of you.

You need to talk to her about how you feel. You need to be open and honest with her. If you cannot talk to her then why are you with her? You need to let that old pain go. Talk to her about it but she cannot change stuff she did 20 years ago. 

Take a good look at your life. Have a deep talk with her and decide what you want out of life. Take it from there. You need to talk to your wife. You married her. You owe it to her. Don't use her poor actions as an excuse to act badly yourself. Semper-Fi!


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## Jadedone (Jul 15, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> You need to talk to her about how you feel. You need to be open and honest with her. If you cannot talk to her then why are you with her? You need to let that old pain go. Talk to her about it but she cannot change stuff she did 20 years ago.
> 
> Take a good look at your life. Have a deep talk with her and decide what you want out of life. Take it from there. You need to talk to your wife. You married her. You owe it to her. Don't use her poor actions as an excuse to act badly yourself. Semper-Fi!


 That is where I'm stuck at. I know I should have talked to her yrs ago and now. I have a hard time doing that. I do feel I owe her even after what she has done because I took her back and said I would try but cant honestly say I have 100%. Its hard to commit to something when your harts not in it, just kinda go through the motions. Then I feel badly for the way Ive acted.
Now it has really caught up to me to unbearable misery. I used to be able to suck it up I guess as a form of self punishment for what not sure I guess if that's the norm you've gotten used to. I've always been the self sacrificing type, the guy that jumps on the grenade. Now being happy doesn't sound so bad. I think Id like it, just don't think gonna happen here.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Jadedone said:


> That is where I'm stuck at. I know I should have talked to her yrs ago and now. I have a hard time doing that. I do feel I owe her even after what she has done because I took her back and said I would try but cant honestly say I have 100%. Its hard to commit to something when your harts not in it, just kinda go through the motions. Then I feel badly for the way Ive acted.
> Now it has really caught up to me to unbearable misery.


PM Moving he'll give you a nutshell of his story or better you 2 exchange numbers it will help you are not alone ok.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

You did your best. You endured a lot. Now, it's time to move on. You only get to live once. Why waste you life feeling miserable because of someone who did not appreciated you repeatedly!?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jadedone said:


> I do feel I owe her even after what she has done because I took her back and said I would try but cant honestly say I have 100%.


So? You DID try and that's more than she deserved. She should have been grateful you didn't just serve her the instant you found out. You gave her a LOT.

That 'not 100%' crap is just your Nice Guy trying to find every reason under the sun for why you should remain a doormat because you believe everyone else is more worthy and deserving than you.

Are you seeing an IC on a regular basis?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Jadedone said:


> That is where I'm stuck at. *I know I should have talked to her yrs ago and now. I have a hard time doing that. * I do feel I owe her even after what she has done because I took her back and said I would try *but cant honestly say I have 100%.* Its hard to commit to something when your harts not in it, just kinda go through the motions. Then I feel badly for the way Ive acted.
> Now it has really caught up to me to unbearable misery. I used to be able to suck it up I guess as a form of self punishment for what not sure I guess if that's the norm you've gotten used to. I've always been the self sacrificing type, *the guy that jumps on the grenade*. Now being happy doesn't sound so bad. I think Id like it, just don't think gonna happen here.




Your problem is that you are scared to face the reality, the reality that this marriage ended long ago.The reality that you are in it because you are scared of how she will react. You are scared of hurting her. You can live like this for ever but this is not life its being a doormat for a life time. You too are a human a decent compassionate human being so you too deserve a decent life with self respect, dignity, self worth and happiness. 

Stop living in this hell, get help from a good IC, you are in your good age to move on and to find a loyal wife who love, respect and cherish you.

Dont be afraid of changes in your life if it were some else they may have moved on from your wife yrs ago. You sacrificed a lot and lived in misery for too long now its time for you to live for yourself and happiness.

Dont think you didn't tried 100%,it was not you it was her who didn't even tried 50% in this marriage. She took your offers for R and forgiveness to wipe her as$. if she have put some effort into this marriage and did half the work you did, you may not have been posting this here.

You are living your life on your knees for long, stand up live your life on your feet. A good IC can do wonders for you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Ask yourself where you would like to be 5 years from now. What would you like your life to be like? Try to picture it and let it inform you.


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## bugmenot (Jul 4, 2012)

Jadedone said:


> That is where I'm stuck at. I know I should have talked to her yrs ago and now. I have a hard time doing that. I do feel I owe her even after what she has done because I took her back and said I would try but cant honestly say I have 100%. Its hard to commit to something when your harts not in it, just kinda go through the motions. Then I feel badly for the way Ive acted.
> Now it has really caught up to me to unbearable misery. I used to be able to suck it up I guess as a form of self punishment for what not sure I guess if that's the norm you've gotten used to. I've always been the self sacrificing type, the guy that jumps on the grenade. Now being happy doesn't sound so bad. I think Id like it, just don't think gonna happen here.


Jade why not slow down and seek IC. See what you want out of live. Work on yourself as a person - if this requires a trial separation so be it. It seems to me that you have YEARS and YEARS of scar tissue on your heart and it is weighing you down. Even though you took her back it seems like it was never really resolved in your mind. You sound like your loyalty and dutiful nature was used against you by your wife. 

Perhaps you both should seek IC and see where it leaves you. If you choose to leave you should have ZERO guilt you sucked it up for YEARS to raise your children but there comes a time when you need to live for yourself and be happy. 

Even the worst figures peg the number of cheating wives at 19% So that means 8 out of 10 women are faithful to their husbands - you deserve that!! This has nothing to do with D or R but your happiness - work on yourself and get yourself to that good place. Good luck man!


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> *
> Jade if you do not get on top of your self image you will become a permanent door mat. You getting yourself better is just as important as you getting away from your wife.
> 
> Blunt*


*

This is so critical.

You need to begin work on yourself. Start today by doing something for you. Work out, go for a walk, do something by yourself that you enjoy doing. It doesn't matter what it is but start taking care of you.

You are worth it.*


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Your happiness can only be derived from you. Figure out who you want to be and work on that first. See where you want to go with your life and go there. Start taking those steps. If she wants to come along for the ride, maybe you will take her, maybe not. She is your wife. So what does that mean to you? Your opinion is the only one that matters.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

MovingAhead said:


> Your happiness can only be derived from you. Figure out who you want to be and work on that first. See where you want to go with your life and go there. Start taking those steps. If she wants to come along for the ride, maybe you will take her, maybe not. She is your wife. So what does that mean to you? Your opinion is the only one that matters.


This may be best for you. 

Thinking about what you wrote and I think I see the real problem- You abandoned yourself at your time of greatest need. You will not ask for what you need yet you give freely. You avoid causing others pain but allow yourself to wallow in misery. Do you realize that your wife can help you deal with your misery? She may even be able to show you the love and appreciation you need. But you will not ask. Why? 

She needs to do this for you as much as you need it from her. You have to tell her what she needs to do to help you. Why won't you do that. That is the crux of the problem. You were right, you did not try but in only one area - you did not remain loyal to yourself and work through your pain. 

Let your wife know what you are feeling. Get the help you need to go back in time and process this. Let her know that your forgiveness came with a heavy price but you were the only one to bear it. Now you need her to step up and serve you the way you served her and your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

jadedone, I suggest you find copies of the book "Women's Infidelity" and "Women's Infidelity II" by Michelle Langley. Part I probably describes your wife, Part II may have some good information to help you understand the limbo you're in. Part II is aimed at the woman but I found a lot of good nuggets in their for myself too.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm curious what your obligation is to her? Meaning, what precisely is it that you feel an obligation to? Also, why do you feel such an obligation?

There is at least one assumption you are making which is causing you to not dump her. You didn't dump her at the first sign of cheating way back when. All the betrayals between then and today have not caused you to dump her. So there is something (or several things) which pre-dispose you to feel pressured to put your interests aside.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Just checking in Jaded how are you?


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## Jadedone (Jul 15, 2013)

Been working 14 15hr days haven't had a chance to write more but check in on phone it helps. 

I am a rock and will continue to just chug along until can deal with this. Right now just in cope mode due to A LOT of BS that I haven't had a chance to post. A lot of junk that I'm trying to keep separate from the long term feelings I have on our marriage and not outside influences that may skew it, even though its all kinda connected.


All lot has been mentioned concerning the kids.
1. Oldest boy (one she had just had when we met) will be 21 next month, in and out of jail a couple times since 17. I had to choke him out on the kitchen floor after he threw our 75gal fish tank on the living room floor and continued to bust the house up. Drug involvement, but think hes somewhat clean currently. No job never had one. Just turned 18 girl friend pregnant due in Aug. They live in my dads house (passed 2yrs ago). We pay everything. They moved in there with the sister (daughter) and here husband but they moved out to a friends so the boy is still there no room here.

2. Daughter 18 tried to go to college, loans got messed up, lost her job. 3 days before Christmas decides her and BF don't want to wait so getting married Christmas eve. I advised against it. Her hubby no job no desire to get one. She moved back home 3 days ago not sure if they're gonna D or not. I didn't say it But I told you so.

Youngest boy 15 type 1 diabetic 4yrs now and an attitude influenced by the other two.

I did not raise my kids this way we were at odds over lots of parenting issues over the yrs but with me not being around a lot ,deployments / field, when in the Marines and 60-70hr weeks I have to work now, her influence usually won. 

2 1/2 weeks ago her aunt bought her and son tickets to Cal to visit. I didn't have a problem with it or her going. Looked forward to the peace and being alone. I am a solitary man and probably never should have married to start with. Anyway She left on a Monday before the 4th. I see on Facebook my daughter says she happy she'll see her nephew sat. I talk to wife Thur night say her sister will be up(out of state) Sat she didn't think she would really come so she didn't mention it. Wife's still gonna be gone for 2 weeks. I go camping with friends over 4th and run home sat to get something and there her sister is with her two kids and one of the kids kid that she has custody of because her daughter (early 20's) is worthless, dog and cats. Her sister and family could be the star in Jerry Springer episodes, all of them. Ill be nice but you get the point. Shes gonna be her 2 more weeks. After I was stuck here alone with them, and they know I don't loke them.

So as Pi$$ed off as I am about all that Im trying to not let it influence my decision making at the moment till things even back out to just regular everyday misery.

I would like to seek IC if I can ever find the time and money. At least it has helped to vent here a little. I have a best friend known about all my life and his wife, she great too. They are the only ones that know my pain. And now all of you.

Thanks for at least letting me share.

wow that could be a whole anotherd thread. How jacked up family has affected your marriage.


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## Jadedone (Jul 15, 2013)

A little about me. Work hard never been lazy, never done drugs, social drink on occasion not a problem. Pretty much tell it how it is, other then to the wife concerning feelings. Was an infantry Marine for 13yrs so I don't like a bunch of stupid behavior. Responsible, Ill suck it up no matter the personal cost to do what needs to be done. 
I"m pretty straight up guy. don't like fight or arguing or the drama that goes with it. She records Big Brother I guess cause she don't get enough drama with all the other sh** going on. Some people thrive on constant at each others throat bickering she does. I am NOT one of those people.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's a great way to start getting your money back in order. Kick your son out of your dad's house and rent it out.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

turnera said:


> Here's a great way to start getting your money back in order. Kick your son out of your dad's house and rent it out.


You beat me to it..Well said


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## Jadedone (Jul 15, 2013)

easier said then done no room here newborn grandson (weather I like it or not) in a couple weeks. No place to go. Ive pushed it shes not so keen on it. We did throw him out before but now that theirs a bay involved as much as I hate it the welfare of the child has to be considered.

I am really TIRED of being the one to clean up everyone else messes. But some things you cant do in good conscious


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Jadedone said:


> easier said then done no room here newborn grandson (weather I like it or not) in a couple weeks. No place to go. Ive pushed it* shes not so keen on it*. We did throw him out before but now that theirs a bay involved as much as I hate it the welfare of the child has to be considered.
> 
> I am really TIRED of being the one to clean up everyone else messes. But some things you cant do in good conscious


Of course not.It´s not coming from her wallet..
I think it´s time for you to be more selfish in term´s of money..

I "mom" still want´s to mother i grown a.s.s man,let her..
By paying for it her self..How long work hour´s is she expecting you to work??? Come on man..Seriously enough with this misplaced responsibility ..Time for the wife you never had to "man up""


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Complicated and just so difficult for a man like you. 

You don't have to walk away to start changes, perhaps change a few things. First, you are working yourself to death. How about just cutting back and tell your wife she needs to decrease spending. 

Does she work? With the amount of time you spend working she should be working too. If she is not, insist she get out and help with the bills. 

Those are reasonable things you can do to begin to put the breaks on things. I don't see how you can keep up at this pace, do you? 

You don't need to wait for money for IC to put boundaries in place. Select a small goal at first like getting your wife to work. Post about your plans and how things go and we can help you with support and suggestions. 

What do you think?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Can the VA help with counseling? You no doubt have some ptsd issues from the infidelity alone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jadedone said:


> easier said then done no room here newborn grandson (weather I like it or not) in a couple weeks. No place to go. Ive pushed it shes not so keen on it. We did throw him out before but now that theirs a bay involved as much as I hate it the welfare of the child has to be considered.
> 
> I am really TIRED of being the one to clean up everyone else messes. But some things you cant do in good conscious


Then just tell him you are taking over his/her paycheck and YOU will be paying their bills - including to YOU - if he wants to stay in YOUR HOUSE.

And you can take away your wife's money so she has a REASON to get off her butt.

Sorry, Jaded, but this is YOUR doing. You could be taking steps, and you aren't. You're stuck. Only you can get you unstuck.


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## Jadedone (Jul 15, 2013)

Wife does work. The boy and girlfriend have never. There is a big different between helping out and handout.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And what is that?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm struck by the vast difference in morals between you and your wife.

You've lived a life of honor and integrity, while it seems from your story that she has at almost every chance stepped out , parted, and hooked up. All without guilt or even a blink of they eye.

I'm worried that you choosing each time to accept and soldier no matter what indignity she throws at you has taught the kids that her values are acceptable and that you never ever have to be personally responsible for your choices in life.


You know you can still be a knight in shining armor to the kids and grand kids, even if you upgrade your life by divorcing her.


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