# H seems emotionally connected yet physically distant. Please help with 180s!



## raincloud (Mar 24, 2011)

My husband and I separated on his insistence on Jan 9th 2011. We have been married for 7 years (this June) and together for 9. No kids. We had a long distance marriage for a long time. Right now we are past the "taking about the past issues" phase. We are done addressing arguing and rationalizing calmly. We both realize we didn't meet each others needs and didn't have the skills to do that either nor the skills to open up to each other in the right way. I had initially resisted separation but I gave in because it was too much for me to deal with him "trying to work out" one day and (in his words) "wanting to lead a single life" for a while another. January was one big turning point for me as a person. After I separated I sent him an email (he wanted to try out a period of no contact to see if he could get back his attraction for me) basically telling him that I could see his perspective after our separation and that it had allowed me to think objectively too.

He initiated contact by himself after a few days of separation via chat. This became more regular towards February. That's when I wanted to do a positive 180 and called him. It seemed to work and after a couple of weeks he called me and said he wanted to see a therapist because he wasn't able to decide what to do and needed to end this period of indecisiveness. I agreed and we have been speaking to a phone therapist since then.

The progress so far has been that he and I communicate as if nothing is wrong between us. But there is always that big elephant and I think we are both aware of its existence. He has been close and now I believe somewhat emotionally close to a co worker who he talks about in an extremely unflattering manner to me. He has assured me time and again that he has no feelings for her. But I don't know? She certainly does not seem his type and I think he just talks to her and flirts with her to bring some excitement into his life. He is very academic and continues to set very high standards for himself professionally so that keeps him busy but the interaction with his co worker doesn't require any commitment so I guess he thinks it is harmless fun. I believe there is an attachment at some level but I don't know if I would call it an EA. He denies it even after I confronted him with proof that I accidentally stumbled upon where in his affection for his co-worker seemed inappropriate to me.

Anyways we continue to communicate as before. He seems a little more sensitive these days after the confrontation. He is out of the country visiting family for a couple of weeks. I happened to speak with his sister one day and according to her he considers me to be his best friend, the only one he can trust and that he doesn't forsee us having any problems living together except that he has lost the charm/spark/attraction towards me and doesn't know if he can get it back. He fully realizes he is putting me through a lot of pain. I broke down the day I confronted him about his co-worker and told him I loved him and wanted to be married to him and that it would be very difficult for me if we didn't at least try but that I couldn't compromise my integrity and that he would have to drop all such forms of communication if we are to sincerely give this a try. He said he has been thinking about ways to move this along (start with visiting etc) but he has been pretty much stuck at that point "thinking" for a month and a half now. We did meet once when I was at a conference at his city last month and had a good time (We are currently in two different states, east coat-west coast).

I keep thinking I need to break a pattern here. He feels the need to share everything with me, he couldn't stick to his no-contact condition that he had imposed himself but can't get his attraction back for me. I need to do a 180. Should I back off? Should I stop being available? Would I not lose the connection I have established with him? Should I hint that I am afraid that I might get to point where I might just decide to give up? This has been consuming me.

Any feedback or help would greatly help me. I sometimes feel just because 95% of the time I am able to maintain a positive disposition and have other things to focus on despite hurting incredibly gives him the idea that I am doing fine and he just continues to do what is convenient for him, "think about how to move this along". Why is he so afraid of taking concrete steps when I try to make him feel safe in every way I can? 

Thanks so much for your time. Kindly pitch in with your advice.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What all do you know about OW? If she is married or has a boyf, tell her SO TODAY!

You can't work on your marriage if she's in the picture.


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## raincloud (Mar 24, 2011)

She has a boyfriend. They were to get married in December but that didn't work out and she would confide in my husband about her personal problems. I guess that is how they got close.

I just don't understand why my husband won't tell me if he has feelings for her. I have asked him so in a very safe way. He says he would not hesitate to tell me if he had any feelings for her. But that he most certainly doesn't.

Are you asking me to talk to OW?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ No.

If she is still with her boyfriend, tell the boyf. 

No cheater comes outright and tells their partner what he score is (or rather, it's very rare for that to happen).


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## raincloud (Mar 24, 2011)

Thanks Jelly Beans for taking time to read and for giving me your feedback on this. 

I feel like this would be interpreted as wanting to control the situation and might further push him away. No? Somehow I don't feel comfortable doing it. Besides I am in a different state and have no way of contacting him.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

It does sound like there is more to the situation with the OW. I would stop being available for him, you have to be gone from his life as his friend before he misses you.


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## raincloud (Mar 24, 2011)

Thanks so much Babyheart for your response! 

I think so too. But how do I start doing that. He calls me regularly, do I just stop taking his calls? Would that be too abrupt? Should I say something to him and then back off?

Something on the lines of: I understand his dilemma about us getting back together - working on this together and that I have been lately feeling the need to take some time to introspect on this by myself, to check in with myself and see how far I can wait. 

Then stop communication for a while? I am awfully nervous about doing this. Keep having conflicting thoughts about losing the connection with him. For how long should I stop communication? Maybe go back to communicating if this 180 doesn't work?


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

That sounds good. I know you are nervous, this is such a horrible situation to be in. I am a wreck myself. But do try that, and give it a few days, really do some thinking & pamper yourself a bit (or as much as possible!) and see what happens.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

raincloud said:


> Something on the lines of: I understand his dilemma about us getting back together - working on this together and that I have been lately feeling the need to take some time to introspect on this by myself, to check in with myself and see how far I can wait.


This, try this & give it 3-4 days and see where you are at.


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## raincloud (Mar 24, 2011)

Thanks Babyheart!

I think I might just do that. 

I am also wondering about the following:

I've let him know how deeply hurt and affected I was on seeing the nature of his conversation with OW. I said to him I don't ever want to stop trusting even if it means I get betrayed all the time. So I would choose to believe him and whatever he says about his feelings for OW. 

I wonder if i should mention that one reason why I want to take some time to think is that he didn't commit to putting a stop to such forms of affectionate and *touching* conversations with OW and that I need to think how long I can wait given that I can't stop thinking he is emotionally connected with her despite what he says and despite my wanting to trust him. I need/deserve more assurance than his words while he continues this connection with her. 

I don't know if I should throw this in? Any thoughts. I feel so emotionally drained - empty really. Sometimes I feel if I just gave up and decided to move on at least I would stop wondering, thinking about the future all the time. At least this period of being suspended in limbo would end. I could start healing. Anytime there is a glimmer of hope I want to be happy but I am scared of feeling good - I feel that would make me more vulnerable and then dealing with loss of hope would be that much difficult. 

Anyways thanks. Thanks so much. It helps to pour it all out especially because my family is not here, they have a weak constitution so don't tell them much unless I absolutely have too. I find it difficult to open up to friends about this too. This is really the most loneliest/darkest times in my life. Perhaps so for each one of us in this mess. God bless us all!


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Raincloud,
Im sorry you're going through this too. JB is right. No cheater will ever admit to anything, and will always make up stories to make their actions right in these situations. And it doesn't matter if its an EA or PA. Either are equally as painful and will take a long time to work through. The trust has been broken.
I am in a similar situation as you. My H and I live in separate cities - on different islands. I was 7 mos. pregnant when he decided to do no contact. I broke down, fell apart, was a horrific mess. Then I found TAM and learned about the 180. My husband remains oh so confused, but I no longer do the 180 in the hopes of being with him. When he started calling again and msging and emailing and it was my turn to be distant, it turned out to be very liberating for me. I no longer waited for every phone call or text. My life didn't depend on his every word. And if he did call or something, I was no longer afraid to ignore it or just say, sorry I'm busy. The 180 is highly beneficial for personal growth & inner strength. Its a good time to reflect on yourself and what you want; from the marriage itself, from your relationship with your husband, from life, and from yourself. And if in doing so you find yourself not being satisfied by your marriage and relationship, who cares? Not to be mean, but why would that even be a worry? If that happens then good for you. 
Long distance relationships take a lot of trust, strength, and love to survive. Its not for everyone (I definitely now know its not for me), and even the most seemingly trusting person can go wayward, and most times not on purpose. 
Start slowly, its a very rough thing to go through. We're all here to learn from each others experiences in the hopes that we'll help someone else while trying to figure out things ourselves. Take care!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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