# Should I Get A Divorce?



## Leclumos (Jan 15, 2021)

My husband cheated on me this past July with a girl from work and left me for three months. It came out of nowhere and I never thought he’d do such a thing. Eventually he came back home and we decided to work things out. I truly believe he is my special person. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else and I never will. 

We’ve been back together for three months and we’ve a couple of pretty big fights. I try to keep the conversation going with a calm discussion about things but he escalates it every time. We tried a marriage counseling app that he stopped logging in after a couple weeks. 

He tells me he feels like I don’t appreciate the things he does for me if I bring up anything I don’t agree with or an issue I’d like resolved. One of those things is substance abuse. He gets high every night, and before he left me it was the same way or if it wasn’t that he’d drink until he was belligerent. 

He keeps saying he will start on counseling but he doesn’t. He threw away his “stash” today when I forward my asked him to stop. He blew up and left then he came back and proceeded to insinuate I was the reason he smoked and that everything he ever compromised with me on in our relationship he resented me for and that he would resent me for having to quit this too. 

I love him so much and I cannot imagine my life without him but he yells and often does not try to see things from my perspective. He has a really hard time admitting to fault or even just acknowledging something needs work. He hurts me with his words when I’m just looking for resolution and today I felt so alone and so attacked. I try so hard to not take it personally but honestly I don’t know how much more I can take. My heart is ripped open. I don’t know if I should walk away, I feel like the way he treats me is wrong. He says he loves me but I don’t feel like he acts like he loves me. Is this fixable?


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

I think if you decide to stay with your husband, it is going to be a long road to recovery.
If....
He gets rid of the attitude...
He comes to realize the hurt he caused.

But.. He does not sound like someone who is remorseful and he blames his failings on you.

I believe that you need to start imagining your life without him. 
He will be able to control the situation as long as you are not able to let him go.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You’re married to a cheating drug addicted abusive drunk. 
Why?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Leclumos said:


> *My husband cheated on me this past July with a girl from work and left me for three months.* It came out of nowhere and I never thought he’d do such a thing. Eventually he came back home and we decided to work things out. *I truly believe he is my special person*. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else and I never will.
> 
> We’ve been back together for three months and we’ve a couple of pretty big fights. I try to keep the conversation going with a calm discussion about things but *he escalates it every time. We tried a marriage counseling app that he stopped logging in after a couple weeks.*
> 
> ...


Your husband is a textbook narcissist .
You are really dependent on the crumbs of affection he gives you. Enough that you ignore the other 23 hrs and 59 minutes he’s making you miserable.

Based on what you described, you are going to live a miserable life if you stay married to this man. But don’t worry, he will be gone again as soon as some poor lady will give him the time of day.

He’s a horrible husband and person.
What does that say about you that you’d stay with THIS????

I advise you to get some counseling and divorce this person.


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## Leclumos (Jan 15, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> You’re married to a cheating drug addicted abusive drunk.
> Why?


Because I truly love him and weirdly enough he wasn’t always like this. I meant my vows when I said them. I don’t know how to walk away from him. I don’t want to but I do feel he is giving me no choice and that breaks my heart. Addiction is a slippery slope that changes everything about a person.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He appears to have no redeeming features. He takes drugs, drinks too much, cheats and abandons you, as well as being very hard to communicate with. Is this really how you want to live your life? Personally if my husband had left me for another woman I would never have had him back. I would also not live with a druggie and a drunk.


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## Leclumos (Jan 15, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your husband is a textbook narcissist .
> You are really dependent on the crumbs of affection he gives you. Enough that you ignore the other 23 hrs and 59 minutes he’s making you miserable.
> 
> Based on what you described, you are going to live a miserable life if you stay married to this man. But don’t worry, he will be gone again as soon as some poor lady will give him the time of day.
> ...


What does it say about me? I’m not even sure. I know I have dependency issues and now abandonment issues as well. I don’t know how to walk away from someone I love with all my heart. I swear he wasn’t always like this, I don’t know what’s happened to him. How can I move on from someone who I truly feel is my soulmate?


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## Leclumos (Jan 15, 2021)

I think if you decide to stay with your husband, it is going to be a long road to recovery.
If....
He gets rid of the attitude...
He comes to realize the hurt he caused.

But.. He does not sound like someone who is remorseful and he blames his failings on you.

I believe that you need to start imagining your life without him.
He will be able to control the situation as long as you are not able to let him go.
[/QUOTE]
I do feel this way. He knows how much I love him and I do feel he takes advantage of that.


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## Leclumos (Jan 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> He appears to have no redeeming features. He takes drugs, drinks too much, cheats and abandons you, as well as being very hard to communicate with. Is this really how you want to live your life? Personally if my husband had left me for another woman I would never have had him back. I would also not live with a druggie and a drunk.


I have to say he has had many redeeming features over the years. 11 years together, we’ve fought many battles together and he was at one time my best friend. His mental health took a turn for the worst after a really bad wreck and substance abuse came into his life. This has one been going on the last year and a half. It’s like he lost his mind. I don’t know this person but I dont want to give up on my best friend. I just don’t know when it crosses the threshold of too far. I know I sound like a crazy person just saying that. I don’t know how to give up on people. I just wish I could rewind time and all these horrible things could be undone. Maybe if he’s gotten help after his wreck things wouldn’t be like this now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Leclumos said:


> I think if you decide to stay with your husband, it is going to be a long road to recovery.
> If....
> He gets rid of the attitude...
> He comes to realize the hurt he caused.
> ...


I do feel this way. He knows how much I love him and I do feel he takes advantage of that.
[/QUOTE]
Yes and the fact that there were no consequences to his cheating shows that.


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## Leclumos (Jan 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I do feel this way. He knows how much I love him and I do feel he takes advantage of that.


Yes and the fact that there were no consequences to his cheating shows that.
[/QUOTE]
I was told by a counselor that if I decided to be with him that I should forgive him and try to move forward from it. So I did what I was advised to do. It doesn’t feel like he had to face consequences for what he did. Everything I have asked of him has been an argument. My brain says leave and my heart says stay.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Leclumos said:


> Because I truly love him and weirdly enough he wasn’t always like this. I meant my vows when I said them. I don’t know how to walk away from him. I don’t want to but I do feel he is giving me no choice and that breaks my heart. Addiction is a slippery slope that changes everything about a person.


Love, unfortunately, doesn’t mean a relationship will work.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Did the counselor tell you that you should continue to try no matter how difficult your husband made it for you?

On the face of it the counselor was right, but it takes both parties - and greater onus is on the cheater.


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## Leclumos (Jan 15, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Love, unfortunately, doesn’t mean a relationship will work.


That hurts, but it’s because I know you are right 😔


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## Leclumos (Jan 15, 2021)

attheend02 said:


> Did the counselor tell you that you should continue to try no matter how difficult your husband made it for you?
> 
> On the face of it the counselor was right, but it takes both parties - and greater onus is on the cheater.


I didn’t get to go back after that, but honestly I’m sure that’s what he would’ve said. You’re right. I know everyone is.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Research co-dependency. Then think about your situation.


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## Leclumos (Jan 15, 2021)

Nailhead said:


> Research co-dependency. Then think about your situation.


Okay I will thank you


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Leclumos said:


> My husband cheated on me this past July with a girl from work and left me for three months. It came out of nowhere and I never thought he’d do such a thing. Eventually he came back home and we decided to work things out. I truly believe he is my special person. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else and I never will.
> 
> We’ve been back together for three months and we’ve a couple of pretty big fights. I try to keep the conversation going with a calm discussion about things but he escalates it every time. We tried a marriage counseling app that he stopped logging in after a couple weeks.
> 
> ...


Yes.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP: you keep repeating that is because you love him do much, but my question to you is: what love got to do with anything in your situation? This is not about love, this is about abuse and codependency. 
You are afraid. You are lacking courage to do what needs to do.
If loving is like that, you know what? I would prefer not to love anyone. 
Get out of this relationship.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Leclumos said:


> Because I truly love him and weirdly enough he wasn’t always like this. *I meant my vows when I said them. I don’t know how to walk away from him.* I don’t want to but I do feel he is giving me no choice and that breaks my heart. Addiction is a slippery slope that changes everything about a person.


I could be wrong, but what you said here sounds like you are hiding behind this to keep you from making changes that you are AFRAID to make.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Leclumos said:


> I have to say he has had many redeeming features over the years. 11 years together, we’ve fought many battles together and he was at one time my best friend. His mental health took a turn for the worst after a really bad wreck and substance abuse came into his life. This has one been going on the last year and a half. It’s like he lost his mind. I don’t know this person but I dont want to give up on my best friend. I just don’t know when it crosses the threshold of too far. I know I sound like a crazy person just saying that. I don’t know how to give up on people. I just wish I could rewind time and all these horrible things could be undone. Maybe if he’s gotten help after his wreck things wouldn’t be like this now.


Can I ask if the substance abuse is pain pill abuse after the wreck he was in...?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Leclumos said:


> My husband cheated on me this past July...


Got this far and stopped reading. Yes you should divorce him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Leclumos said:


> What does it say about me? I’m not even sure. I know I have dependency issues and now abandonment issues as well. I don’t know how to walk away from someone I love with all my heart. I swear he wasn’t always like this, I don’t know what’s happened to him. How can I move on from someone who I truly feel is my soulmate?


Yes you are codependent as a lot of are and are hurting. Leave him anyway. Read what you write and see if it’s what a healthy person would say. He is who he is NOW.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The problem with addiction is it is a family disease. Everyone who has a relationship with the addict is impacted; and not in a good way. I call addiction an equal-opportunity destroyer. I was married to an alcoholic. I loved my husband very much. I watched the addiction destroy the man I loved and turn him into something that was devoid of humanity - no conscience, no love, no care for others. 

All I can tell you is, I walked out. I never stopped loving my husband. I hated his addiction. I hated that it robbed me of the man I married. But I HAD to get out of what devolved into an abusive, heartbreaking situation.

Get out or get dragged under.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Try to picture it this way....

For whatever reason, he wont pack up and leave you, but it's not because he gives a crap about you, and is probably mean to you, because you are the one that is essentially **** blocking him....

It's about the worst situation for you to be in...You may in fact love him, but you need to get your head out of the clouds...


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## Leclumos (Jan 15, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Can I ask if the substance abuse is pain pill abuse after the wreck he was in...?


It’s marijuana and yes he used it for pain at first, then at one point alcohol, then back to marijuana.


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## Leclumos (Jan 15, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> Try to picture it this way....
> 
> For whatever reason, he wont pack up and leave you, but it's not because he gives a crap about you, and is probably mean to you, because you are the one that is essentially **** blocking him....
> 
> It's about the worst situation for you to be in...You may in fact love him, but you need to get your head out of the clouds...


The only reason I’m not with you is, why would he come back home after he was free to go if I was blocking him? We were headed for divorce and he had a great living situation. Chick he cheated on my with was loaded, good looking, but had a horrible personality. He said he woke up and realized he was wrong and that he lost the person he loved. I dunno if that changes anything, I’m just trying to understand why someone could feel like that but say those things and make an effort to come back if I was in his way.


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## Leclumos (Jan 15, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Yes you are codependent as a lot of are and are hurting. Leave him anyway. Read what you write and see if it’s what a healthy person would say. He is who he is NOW.


I definitely am starting to see as I’m responding and reading how blind I’ve been.


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## Leclumos (Jan 15, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> The problem with addiction is it is a family disease. Everyone who has a relationship with the addict is impacted; and not in a good way. I call addiction an equal-opportunity destroyer. I was married to an alcoholic. I loved my husband very much. I watched the addiction destroy the man I loved and turn him into something that was devoid of humanity - no conscience, no love, no care for others.
> 
> All I can tell you is, I walked out. I never stopped loving my husband. I hated his addiction. I hated that it robbed me of the man I married. But I HAD to get out of what devolved into an abusive, heartbreaking situation.
> 
> Get out or get dragged under.


I really appreciate your response, as I do everyone’s. I am very sorry that you have gone through this. It helps to have this perspective from someone who has been through it. Multiple people have also pointed out my fear, which I am becoming increasingly aware of.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Leclumos said:


> I was told by a counselor that if I decided to be with him that I should forgive him and try to move forward from it.


Aargh! I am a professional marriage counsellor. The above is total ********. Sorry to swear but it really annoys me that people who claim to be "counselors" say this kind of thing.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Life with an addict will be extremely difficult. I have two practical pieces of advice for now: *(1) don't get pregnant, and (2) go to Al-Anon* (that's not the same as Alcoholics Anonymous). It may possibly even be the case that your codependence on him is making his addiction worse.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

He has dependency issues and they are not easy to solve. He seems to blame you for those, which is a classic. But once you start "using", you are dragged in, it gets out of hand and you are trapped. You need to ask yourself: if he doesn't work towards a solution (counselling, rehab), or shows you he is a making a serious effort, is it worth it for you staying to support him? Probably not.


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## Sukisue1234 (Jan 17, 2018)

It is very hard to just leave when you have 11 years in your marriage and so much invested in your family's life. The thing is if he hasn't the same feelings because of his drug use or drinking alcohol than you have to either live with it or make the choices for yourself, and hope he will get sobered enough to get his life together. MOST DRUG OR ALCOHOL ABUSE SYMPTOMS ARE CHEATING, AND ANGERED ABUSE , VERBAL, PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH. if Hes not realized hes gotta stop to have a life with anyone including who ever hes been CHEATING with than you have to make choices about how much longer to take the abuse,, praying for your situation


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Leclumos said:


> The only reason I’m not with you is, why would he come back home after he was free to go if I was blocking him? We were headed for divorce and he had a great living situation. Chick he cheated on my with was loaded, good looking, but had a horrible personality. H*e said he woke up and realized he was wrong and that he lost the person he loved.* I dunno if that changes anything, I’m just trying to understand why someone could feel like that but say those things and make an effort to come back if I was in his way.


Maybe the story he told you about why he came back is a bunch of BS??

Perhaps the real story is she threw him out and having no where else to go, decided to come back to you...People who do what you are saying he said(bolded) would normally be very thankful, very accommodating, , etc...They wont come back with resentment. anger and attitude....That just makes absolutely no sense....To me, anyway...


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## Leclumos (Jan 15, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Life with an addict will be extremely difficult. I have two practical pieces of advice for now: *(1) don't get pregnant, and (2) go to Al-Anon* (that's not the same as Alcoholics Anonymous). It may possibly even be the case that your codependence on him is making his addiction worse.


We have a ten year old together, she is from a previous marriage and lives with us full time. That makes it much more complicated. He also came out as male after his wreck, he is trans FTM. That also is fueling his addiction. There’s a lot more to it, I’ve tried to simplify it to facts about my problems with the situation. He also keeps doing this thing where he tries to resolve things and then acting totally normal like he used to, takes us out to eat, talks totally normal, acts normal, buys us random stuff he knows we like, and then the next day he’s right back to being a jerk. Emotional whiplash is how it feels.


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## Leclumos (Jan 15, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> Maybe the story he told you about why he came back is a bunch of BS??
> 
> Perhaps the real story is she threw him out and having no where else to go, decided to come back to you...People who do what you are saying he said(bolded) would normally be very thankful, very accommodating, , etc...They wont come back with resentment. anger and attitude....That just makes absolutely no sense....To me, anyway...


I agree with you and I had not considered he lied about that situation. I have wondered why he acts as though I did it to him. He’s always projecting everything back onto me.


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## Leclumos (Jan 15, 2021)

I just want to say thank you to everyone who took time to give me their opinion. I am Constantly being told I’m at fault, I’m in the wrong, I’m exaggerating, It’s nice to feel validated in my concerns and I feel a lot stronger after talking with you all and getting different perspectives. I’m not so scared anymore. I know I have codependency issues now I can see that clear as day. I’ve decided to start by becoming more independent and get into a therapist of my own, I plan to start the process of divorce if he does not immediately get into counseling/rehab and quit completely.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You are an addict is well. You are addicted to Hopium and Denial. 

You are addicted to the hope that he will undergo this metamorphosis and transform into a sober, loving, supportive, faithful person.

And you are also addicted to denial. The denial is making you think that this is acceptable and ok way to live and that this is something that has a magical fix like it you could say a magical phrase that will make him stop behaving badly or you could do some kind of magical task that will make him love you and start behaving well.

That is magical thinking. It is believing in magic and witch doctors that chant some phrase while dancing around spreading magical pixie dust on everything. 

Children have magical thinking and believe if they chant something or do some ritual, that magic will occur and fix the problem. 

Being an adult means letting go of the magical thinking and accepting and dealing with reality. 

This is an addict, and a cheater and an emotionally abusive person that goes into rages, cheats and abuses chemicals and then blames you for his bad behavior.

You can’t fix this. You aren’t magical. 

What you can do is have impenetrable boundaries and then exit stage-left when he violates them.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I also want to point out that addict’s brains are chemically compromised to where they simply do not function properly and are incapable of functioning in a healthy, proper and effective manner. 

You can’t reason with them or explain things or express your thoughts, feelings or wishes and have them process it effectively and then behave in a healthy and appropriate manner. 

They are simply defective and malfunctioning and not capable of appropriate thought, feelings or behavior.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Leclumos said:


> My husband cheated on me this past July


That is literally all that I read. 

Most things can be fixed if both parties commit to loving each other, communicating openly and speaking the truth in love and each member puts the other ahead of themselves and each person focuses on fulfilling the other persons needs ahead of their own. 
Most things can be fixed and should be. 

Sex outside of the marriage?
In my view that is a 100% end the marriage event. 
I do not know how any spouse would even want their mate back.

So, you say he had sex with another woman? Yes, I'd say divorce.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The rages, blame shifting and total lack of responsibility for his actions is also right out of the Cheater’s Handbook and is part and parcel of cheater’s behavior. 

There is nothing new or unusual here. He is behaving exactly like a drunken, cheating, dope smoking ahole.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

He did not pick you over the other chick due to her bad personality. You did not win a prize here. 

She gave him the boot because he isn’t any good. 

She obviously has a few screws loose due to the fact she hooked up with him at all, but even so, she still has the wherewithal to send him packing. You need to do the same. 

She gave him the boot and he came crawling back to you because you are letting him. 

The reason you are even giving him the time of day is due to serious self esteem and self worth issues on your part.

For whatever reason, you believe you can’t do better and that you have to accept, a gender-confused, drunken, drug addicted, cheating, abusive and disruptive person in your life. 

Fix your self esteem issues and you simply won’t have time or patience for train wrecks like this in your life.

You don’t have to live like this or let bad people like this in your life if you get your own act together.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So you’re a woman, married to a transgender man that was once a woman Am I understanding this correctly? 

What are you getting out of the relationship?
You’re not getting a hard penis, emotional support, financial support...... I assume.

He must be one hell of a snuggler. And getting attractive side ladies to boot?

I am impressed. But I do think he got booted and that’s why he came back to you. He didn’t have some epiphany. That’s total bs. I would like to hear that story from him. I’ll bet someone that wasn’t emotionally invested in him like you appear to be, would find it less than remotely believable.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She was Plan A but that didn’t work so he returned to his reliable Plan B (you).


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## Leclumos (Jan 15, 2021)

You guys sure tell it like it is. I can see I came to the right place. I’m surrounded by people that won’t say anything, so it’s shocking but very much appreciated. Yes, he was a female and is transitioning to male. He hasn’t even started treatments for testosterone yet, but he blows up constantly. He did not act like this for 10 years. No substance abuse, great communicator, and when I found out he was cheating I swore to everyone it couldn’t be true. I couldn’t believe it was real. I trusted this person with my life. He proved himself to me for years. He was faithful, loyal, patient, loving, kind, considerate. Then he gets in this wreck and everything changed. Yes I know I should’ve walked away, and it seems obvious to me that is what I’m going to have to do, but I haven’t given up this far because somehow I thought this was just some crisis. Maybe some midlife, near death, crazy crisis that he’d get out of his system and return to the person that was my best friend. He hasn’t though and more than likely he won’t. Trying to process this is hard. I want to believe the best of everyone, especially him. He told me that he left that girl and he blocked her on everything because she wouldn’t leave him alone. He told me it started as emotional cheating and went from there. He said he felt I wouldn’t want to be with him if he transitioned. I trusted that despite what he did because I am in denial as to the person is that I have spent over a third of my life with. I thought he was different. That may be weak, pitiful, stupid, or whatever else but I believed in him fully. At this point I feel like a shell of the person I used to be and all the hopes and dreams I had with this person are gone. All I can do is move forward from here and work on myself.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Accepting what we can’t do anything about is one of the hardest lessons we learn.
I think you do just need to let your SO go. 

It is indeed scary to have to plan a new life. But you can do it. You just have to work at it every day.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

He/she didn’t get in a wreck - he *IS *the wreck. 

You don’t have to go down with him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Leclumos said:


> At this point I feel like a shell of the person I used to be and all the hopes and dreams I had with this person are gone..


This says it all and is really all you need to say on this matter.

He is toxic to you and having him in your life is worse for you than if you were by yourself.

When the syndicated advice columnist Ann Landers has her advice column in the newspaper, people would often write to her with their sagas and whenever someone would ask if they should divorce, she would ask one simple question - “are you better off with or without this person?”

That is the question you need to take a hard, honest look into. 

But you can’t deceive yourself and you can’t look at it through the haze of Hopium or denial. You have to look at it as the way he is now ....... not what he was........ not what you want him to be...... and not what you hope he can become. 

You have to base it on who and what he is now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Leclumos said:


> You guys sure tell it like it is. I can see I came to the right place. I’m surrounded by people that won’t say anything, so it’s shocking but very much appreciated. Yes, he was a female and is transitioning to male. He hasn’t even started treatments for testosterone yet, but he blows up constantly. He did not act like this for 10 years. No substance abuse, great communicator, and when I found out he was cheating I swore to everyone it couldn’t be true. I couldn’t believe it was real. I trusted this person with my life. He proved himself to me for years. He was faithful, loyal, patient, loving, kind, considerate. Then he gets in this wreck and everything changed. Yes I know I should’ve walked away, and it seems obvious to me that is what I’m going to have to do, but I haven’t given up this far because somehow I thought this was just some crisis. Maybe some midlife, near death, crazy crisis that he’d get out of his system and return to the person that was my best friend. He hasn’t though and more than likely he won’t. Trying to process this is hard. I want to believe the best of everyone, especially him. He told me that he left that girl and he blocked her on everything because she wouldn’t leave him alone. He told me it started as emotional cheating and went from there. He said he felt I wouldn’t want to be with him if he transitioned. I trusted that despite what he did because I am in denial as to the person is that I have spent over a third of my life with. I thought he was different. That may be weak, pitiful, stupid, or whatever else but I believed in him fully. At this point I feel like a shell of the person I used to be and all the hopes and dreams I had with this person are gone. All I can do is move forward from here and work on myself.


So you as a woman married a woman and then one day she wanted to become a man? This person sounds very mixed up and messed up.


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