# Blue Christmas



## UsagiNeko (Aug 15, 2012)

My husband and I have been separated for 3 months now. I've was doing very well for about a month and a half. I started an anti-depressant and have been seeing a therapist every two weeks. I'm still friends with my husband, despite all the hurt he has put me through, cuz I still care for him.

However, now that Christmas is coming, I feel like the sadness is all coming back. When we separated, I let him have all our Christmas decorations, and yesterday he put them all up, and I couldn't help but ask him if he felt sad or lonely at all while he was doing it (cuz I knew I would if I was going through those boxes). When I asked, he acted strangely offended saying "That's an awfully loaded question." Was it really that loaded? 

Sometimes I wonder if he is even sad about us separating. He's said that he is, but I can't help but wonder if he's lying and if he's really happy and doesn't care that our relationship has been ruined. I don't know if it's my anxiety or paranoia talking, but part of me wonders if he's not taking this Christmas as hard as me because he's already secretly with the woman he cheated on me with back in April (a.k.a my ex-best friend). Even though he's sworn up and down that there's nothing going on with that anymore, I can't help but think otherwise.

I know I'm not going to be alone for Christmas, cuz I have family and friends who all love and support me, but it still hurts. All the memories of the Christmases we shared together are coming back, and now I realized I've got to mourn those moments I had with him now. Then there's my grandmother who is pretty much gone from her Alzheimer's, and it's making Christmas grim for my mom as well. I just wish that I can be able to get through this Christmas and still have a great time and do all the things that make me happy...


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

The holidays will indeed be painful ... I think that will just be the case until your (and the rest of our) life settles into a new normal. Once you have a new set of traditions, and hopefully someone new to share them with, you'll find your focus to be on the new life, not the old. Not to say you'll never think on the old life, but it won't be as painful (or maybe it won't be painful at all).

I'm not sure about trying to stay friends. To me that let's the person who wanted the split have their cake and eat it too. He doesn't want you anymore ... But he still gets to have you in his life and still gets the benefits of your support. He may not like what he has done as much if he had to live with the true consequences of doing so: ie not having you around. 

It may be worth asking about that in IC. My thoughts are with you.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> The holidays will indeed be painful ... I think that will just be the case until your (and the rest of our) life settles into a new normal. Once you have a new set of traditions, and hopefully someone new to share them with, you'll find your focus to be on the new life, not the old. Not to say you'll never think on the old life, but it won't be as painful (or maybe it won't be painful at all).
> 
> I'm not sure about trying to stay friends. To me that let's the person who wanted the split have their cake and eat it too. He doesn't want you anymore ... But he still gets to have you in his life and still gets the benefits of your support. He may not like what he has done as much if he had to live with the true consequences of doing so: ie not having you around.
> 
> It may be worth asking about that in IC. My thoughts are with you.


This. My heart is sad you're doing through this. For everyone on this bird who is dealing with this. I've been for hours unable to sleep. I know Christmas is gonna hurt. Life is gonna hurt but sometimes it's better to leave those who treat us badly behind and move on.


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

UsagiNeko said:


> My husband and I have been separated for 3 months now. I've was doing very well for about a month and a half. I started an anti-depressant and have been seeing a therapist every two weeks.


I'm glad your getting help with this, I had to! I also separated 3 months ago and am on anti-depressants and therapy, started every 2 weeks, then got really bad and had to go every week. But it does get better.



UsagiNeko said:


> I'm still friends with my husband, despite all the hurt he has put me through, cuz I still care for him.


You care for who he was, not who he is. I tried the friend thing also...it doesn't work like the others said, he has his cake and eating it too! You will never be able to heal fully if you are still connected to him. TRUST ME I know! I am doing much better now, I was close to a nervous breakdown, then I went NC and it was so hard, but I did it (with the help of this board and it's members). I still have weak moments, but I get on here and read and chat. Someone on here told me this.. "He choose not to be with you, so he gets none of you!" Why let him choose what parts of you he gets, (support, friendship etc) You don't get to choose what parts of him you get.



UsagiNeko said:


> I couldn't help but ask him if he felt sad or lonely at all while he was doing it When I asked, he acted strangely offended saying "That's an awfully loaded question." Was it really that loaded?


To him, this was a loaded question..If he said yes he was sad, it meant he was weak (in his eyes) or wanted to R. If he said No it wasn't sad or lonely he was being a douche bag! Never ask questions, it makes him feel like a God, like he is so great all you do is think of him. So you give him a giant ego boost, while you feel crappy later for asking.



UsagiNeko said:


> Sometimes I wonder if he is even sad about us separating. He's said that he is,


Who cares how he feels! I know that might be mean, but he choose to leave you, don't worry about his feelings.



UsagiNeko said:


> Even though he's sworn up and down that there's nothing going on with that anymore, I can't help but think otherwise.


You will drive yourself insane wondering what if, is he, does he etc. When these kinds of thoughts come in your mind, give yourself a mental slap, say stop it and try to focus on something else. Don't let him live rent free in your head.



UsagiNeko said:


> I just wish that I can be able to get through this Christmas and still have a great time and do all the things that make me happy...


The sadness will creep in, it is inevitable. But you will have to make the decision to try really hard to push those feelings of sadness away and try to be happy. One day we ALL will be happy, but until then "fake it until you make it"


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It is sad. I remember a time in my life where I would just want to sleep through the holidays...but I had a child so I had to smile and pretend to like it.

I hope you can find some peace. Know you aren't alone, even though sometimes it truly feels that way.


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