# Need Advice PLEASE



## shooby1213 (Dec 10, 2013)

Hi I have been married for 18 years. A month ago my hubby told me hes unhappy and not in love anymore. Mainly I lost my self in our marriage. Since then I started college,losing weight going out with friends and giving him space. In the last week and a half he texts me every day wanting to know what my day is like , we spend his days off together, we are laughing and acting like besties to be honest. He spends the nights but not in the same bed because he helps takes my son to school. He is living in a basement at a friends house. He tells me hes so proud of me and tells me Im amazing, but nothing romantic yet at all....what should I do? I want him home


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

shooby1213 said:


> Hi I have been married for 18 years. A month ago my hubby told me hes unhappy and not in love anymore. Mainly I lost my self in our marriage. Since then I started college,losing weight going out with friends and giving him space. In the last week and a half he texts me every day wanting to know what my day is like , we spend his days off together, we are laughing and acting like besties to be honest. He spends the nights but not in the same bed because he helps takes my son to school. He is living in a basement at a friends house. He tells me hes so proud of me and tells me Im amazing, but nothing romantic yet at all....what should I do? I want him home


Is it possible he's cheating? I'd tell him he has one day to decide if he wants to stay married or divorce. You can't live like this, waiting for him to decide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You can't do anything to get him home if he doesn't want to be home. And the harder you try to get him home, the less likely you will be to succeed because it will only stregnthen his resolve to live the footloose and fancy-free life.

Please, continue to find yourself and work on improving your life. He may come around or he may not, so please take care of yourself.

Other things to consider...could he be having an affair? It's typical for someone who is cheating to suddenly fall "out of love" with their spouse because their head has been turned by another woman.

Or he may be having that proverbial mid-life crisis and is feeling trapped by marriage and deep down is more interested in being single and going out with the guys and attempting to flirt with other women. He might feel like he doesn't want to be "tied down" and blames you/marriage for it.

You can suggest marital counseling to see if that would help open up the lines of communication so maybe he could tell you what exactly is making him so "unhappy". Unless he can clarify why he is unhappy, and unless that's something that can be changed somehow, it's not likely you'll get anywhere.


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## shooby1213 (Dec 10, 2013)

no hes not seeing anyone....like i said his free time is spent with me...
and he just didnt fall out of love he said hes felt like this for awhile...
I know for a fact he has NO social life, other than work and me.

He said he was unhappy because I was depressed all the time....which I understand..now Im in therapy, getting my life in order and starting to love myself and be happy


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Just to be clear, it can be someone he works with, or someone he communicates with online. People normally don't "fall out of love" if there is no one else involved. Moving out is very dramatic, seems to me he wants out. You can only work on you and ask him if he is in or out. I'd check his cellphone bill and emails to make sure there is no one else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Agreed, you should definitely consider the possibility (...likelihood) that your husband is involved in some capacity with someone else. Whether an emotional affair (EA) or physical affair (PA), there are some red flags here that should be concerning.

In any case, if you want to win him back home, you'll have to approach this differently. Right now he is cake eating. Whether he is involved with someone else, wants to be free to be involved with someone else, or just free to go enjoy the single life, he is getting what he wants. You need to pull back, show that you are happy to be alone and don't need him for happiness. Make plans with other friends and do NOT cancel them for his sake. (That's a very common test when a spouse starts this process, to see if he/she will cancel an event for them or not) Start eating better, working out, keep the house tidy, etc. Make yourself and your home more attractive and desirable, but evident that neither are available to him unless he is back home and committed.


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## shooby1213 (Dec 10, 2013)

he only works with guys and he doesnt have a computer where he is staying.......I have checked out everything and there is noone..He is being more attentive then when we were together and even giving me thoughtful gifts


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

You are in a tough situation since he has already left you several times before.
If you want to save your marriage, go to marriage counseling to find out the reason he seems to fall out of love.
I can see you love him. But you must continue working on yourself, date each other again, give love a chance to bloom again.
Do not give your number to other men!
Good luck


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

shooby1213 said:


> He said he was unhappy because I was depressed all the time....which I understand..now Im in therapy, getting my life in order and starting to love myself and be happy


I imagine he'd have a lot of mixed feelings about your depression and the effect on you, your marriage, and him - confusion, dismay, frustration, insecurity...and on and on. It probably ate away at your marriage gradually over time.

If this is truly the root of his issue, then the best you can do to work through this with him is to stay in therapy and work on feeling good about yourself and your life. Seeing that you are genuinely well and happy and confident will do more to attract him than anything else. 

However, it truly has to be a genuine change. That's when he'll start to see you in a different light, because you will actually be different than you are today. You'll probably be more like the person he fell in love with than the person you have been throughout your depression.


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## johndz (Dec 19, 2013)

Oh, try to remember if he changed over time after you married. 
I just realize that women admire men when they married, but they feel afraid of other women see him attractive. Then men start to change to not have problems with their spouses. Then they are not the supermen any more, they became sad and regular guys, and feel incomplete, but they don't know why. Sometimes and even their women see that they are not super any more and they are aware of this.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Your focus on yourself opened his eyes to what he might really want.

Stay focused on yourself and optimistic about what YOU want from your future. Your strength and independence shocked him in a good way.

My guess is that he thinks about coming back everyday.

HOWEVER, it has to be his idea and his decision.

You seem to be playing this perfectly but do not get too cozy, all business will continue to make you the person he wants to be with.

Stretch


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