# Lack of sex life



## Sockittomewife (Nov 30, 2018)

I know this is very controversial but I’ve been trying to figure this out for years and am wondering what the thoughts are of the matter...

If your relationship/marriage started off with good quality sex all the time and then your Wife started to decline in sex drive, did you ever think maybe it was because of porn?
Hear me out...

It’s a constant thing I see. Whether you except porn or not.
You have a awsome sex life, then your SO finds out about your porn usage... that’s when it all goes down hill.

Im going to use men for a example ( I know it goes both ways!)

Men start using porn SO finds out then sex life goes to the gutter or lack there of. Has anyone ever thought it may be because your getting off so your SO thinks u don’t need me or sex tonight, then they go get themselves off and then your sitting there thinking she’s low drive this whole time and it was just a honeymoon stage at first?

I think a lot of women that are against porn Is because they actually do want more sex! But he’s over there gettin himself off thinking she doesn’t want any. And the game continues over and over..

And I see a lot of men saying their wives refused when they came home and she was cooking or dealing with kidsor whatever the case is... well help her really quick, then you guys can get after it! Make it fun and flirty! But when she’s doing things that need to be done it’s probably not because she doesn’t want sex. It’s because nobody else is ganna do the chore so imagine if you jumped in what the possibilities would be lol

I need to know thoughts?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Sockittomewife said:


> I know this is very controversial but I’ve been trying to figure this out for years and am wondering what the thoughts are of the matter...
> 
> If your relationship/marriage started off with good quality sex all the time and then your Wife started to decline in sex drive, did you ever think maybe it was because of porn?
> Hear me out...
> ...


I am having difficulty determining what you are really trying to ask here, but I assume you want to know if women find out their husbands watch porn does that mean that the couple's sex life suffers as a result. Honestly I don't think this is as big of a issue in real life as it is on a forum like TAM. I say this because I have never been with anyone that took a hard line about me watching porn. I do think it would be an issue if a person preferred porn over their partner. But I don't think its something that most women have a problem with. Would some prefer their man not watch it all probably, but I don't think most women see it as a dealbreaker. I have watched porn as a couple before, it depends on the indivudual's views on it. 

With that said the only thing I can say for certain is if you get married and your wife doesn't know you watch porn, whatever happens is your fault, because you should have told her. No point in being in a relationship if you can't be your authentic self.


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## Sockittomewife (Nov 30, 2018)

I’m wondering if anyone else has seen this pattern. Haha I see a lot of women get pissed off because they are not getting the sex they want there for it is replaced by porn. And then men question why she gets mad when he thinks she wasn’t interested. (When in fact she is) 
It just saddens me to see


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Sockittomewife said:


> I’m wondering if anyone else has seen this pattern. Haha I see a lot of women get pissed off because they are not getting the sex they want there for it is replaced by porn. And then men question why she gets mad when he thinks she wasn’t interested. (When in fact she is)
> It just saddens me to see


Sounds like a communication problem then, and one that's easily resolved at that.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband has watched porn, and I was disgusted by it and with him for watching it. The last time I found out he'd watched it I could barely look at him, let alone let him touch me for a week afterwards. Yuck.

I told him not to dare ask me to do something he saw in a porn movie. If he wants that he can go to a hooker and we can get a divorce.

I'm no prude, have a high sex drive and LOVE sex. I love my husbands body too - every sweet inch of it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sockittomewife said:


> ey came home and she was cooking or dealing with kidsor whatever the case is... well help her really quick, then you guys can get after it! Make it fun and flirty! But when she’s doing things that need to be done it’s probably not because she doesn’t want sex. It’s because nobody else is ganna do the chore so imagine if you jumped in what the possibilities would be lol


What gets a man's engine going is very different from what get's a woman's engine going particularly after many years of marriage. The let's get to the destination mode many guys operate in doesn't always do it, the woman is often more interested in the journey which doesn't necessarily start in the bedroom but much earlier in day to day actions. If you ignore me all day, have had no communication, come home want food, do not help although I works too, go watch TV while I clean up the kitchen etc, then it is highly unlikely I will be up for play time. Your priority is not me so why would I be inclined to let you be my priority? 

Using porn and getting your rocks off when i am here is also insulting and disrespectful, another sign of me being a lack of priority. Again not very attractive in my view.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sockittomewife said:


> I know this is very controversial but I’ve been trying to figure this out for years and am wondering what the thoughts are of the matter...
> 
> If your relationship/marriage started off with good quality sex all the time and then your Wife started to decline in sex drive, did you ever think maybe it was because of porn?
> Hear me out...
> ...


Yea, this is a problem in some marriages. We've had a fair number of women post here saying that their husband is using porn more and more. So he's mostly lost interest in sex with his wife.

There is a lot of material out there dealing with this issue.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Sockittomewife said:


> If your relationship/marriage started off with good quality sex all the time and then your Wife started to decline in sex drive, did you ever think maybe it was because of porn?
> Hear me out...
> 
> It’s a constant thing I see. Whether you except porn or not.
> You have a awsome sex life, then your SO finds out about your porn usage... that’s when it all goes down hill.


That's not my experience and I'm certainly not noticing it being an issue of any note in my social circles

While personally I've always found that when my significant other, or even not-so-significant other has learned that I like pornography and erotica. My sex life has always continued to remain awesome and has evolved more positively as after that.



> Men start using porn SO finds out then sex life goes to the gutter or lack there of. Has anyone ever thought it may be because your getting off so your SO thinks u don’t need me or sex tonight, then they go get themselves off and then your sitting there thinking she’s low drive this whole time and it was just a honeymoon stage at first?


No I haven't thought that.

For what it's worth though I've never experienced a sex life with any ongoing sexual partner, that has been found wanting or in the gutter. Yet in saying that I have never been in any ongoing sexual relationships with women, who have a problem with pornography either.

Now I could presume that the reason why I haven't experienced a poor sex life, is because women who think pornography is okay make better sexual partners. Yet correlation certainly isn't always coincident with causation, so it would be foolish to make that presumption in the absence of significant repeated and testable evidence.

At the end of the day though, there is a lot more that goes into having a sexual relationship that sees a vibrant, evolving and plentiful sex life than being okay with pornography. Just as there is also plenty more that goes into, making a sex life dull, static and limited, than not being okay with pornography.



> I think a lot of women that are against porn Is because they actually do want more sex! But he’s over there gettin himself off thinking she doesn’t want any. And the game continues over and over..


I'm sure there are plenty of women who are against pornography, who want more sex.

That said the only woman I personally know, that has expressed any feeling of disgust towards pornography. Is a close to 50 year old religious, virgin, spinster (she has been a friend of my wife for over two decades now), who wants to be married (I'm not sure if she wants sex), yet has significant trouble finding any men who will date her. However in mentioning her , she certainly doesn't represent all women who loathe pornography. So I reiterate that I'm sure some of them want more sex.



> And I see a lot of men saying their wives refused when they came home and she was cooking or dealing with kidsor whatever the case is... well help her really quick, then you guys can get after it! Make it fun and flirty! But when she’s doing things that need to be done it’s probably not because she doesn’t want sex. It’s because nobody else is ganna do the chore so imagine if you jumped in what the possibilities would be lol


In-person I can't say I have experienced or heard of refusals like you describe above. That said I'm sure such refusals are fairly common.

That said I've only ever heard one person complain about having an infrequent/virtually dead sex life, whereas my wife has had three people complain to her about it.

In my case I was at a school reunion, when one guy I used to go to school with. Said to myself and a few other women at our then table. Something along the lines of it sucked getting older and being married, because our sex lives dry up. Well myself and the others were all really surprised ,and all shared that we enjoyed our sex lives and still shared lots of sex quite frequently. Yet it turned out he really believed that after people got married their sex lives shrivelled to almost nothing after a few years. Yet that certainly hasn't been my experience and and it isn't the experience of everyone else either.

While my wife has related to me that three of her friends have complained about being married to men, who seldom ever wanted to have sex with them because their husbands spent much of their free time doing things with their mates (getting drunk) and claiming to be too tired to have sex afterwards. Now two of those women are now divorced, because they decided enough was enough. While one of them continues to put up with it, to no apparent end.

At the end of the day pornography tends to be a problem, for people who think it's a problem. Whereas it tends not to be a problem, for people who don't think it's a problem.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

frusdil said:


> My husband has watched porn, and I was disgusted by it and with him for watching it. The last time I found out he'd watched it I could barely look at him, let alone let him touch me for a week afterwards. Yuck.
> 
> *I told him not to dare ask me to do something he saw in a porn movie.* If he wants that he can go to a hooker and we can get a divorce.
> 
> I'm no prude, have a high sex drive and LOVE sex. I love my husbands body too - every sweet inch of it.


Interesting.

There is nothing that hasn't been in a porn video....from the tamest act to the most hideously degrading act. How could your husband prove that if he asked for something new that it didn't come from porn. You've put him in the position of never asking for something new. And if he does ask for something new, wouldn't you automatically assume it was from porn. 

Also, despite men being predominantly visual, let's say your husband never looked at porn again after the last time you caught him. But he read some erotic literature and got a few ideas. Would your reaction be the same?

I'm not asking this as an advocate for porn, as I'm not, but from the viewpoint of a husband.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

frusdil said:


> My husband has watched porn, and I was disgusted by it and with him for watching it. The last time I found out he'd watched it I could barely look at him, let alone let him touch me for a week afterwards. Yuck.


Given that, I guess it's a good thing that he sometimes views pornography. Since if he has a high sex drive he could/can console himself with that, during the times you won't let him touch you. Instead of wanting to seek sex from someone else in your stead during such times.

I'm sure he has subsequently learned to hide it better, in order to not upset you.



> I told him not to dare ask me to do something he saw in a porn movie. If he wants that he can go to a hooker and we can get a divorce.


I think it's good for both of you, that you hopefully don't literally mean that. Since if you really did and do, it would see an end to all kissing, hugging, missionary sex on and on etc.



> I'm no prude, have a high sex drive and LOVE sex. I love my husbands body too - every sweet inch of it.


Awesome.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OnTheFly said:


> Interesting.
> 
> There is nothing that hasn't been in a porn video....from the tamest act to the most hideously degrading act. How could your husband prove that if he asked for something new that it didn't come from porn. You've put him in the position of never asking for something new. And if he does ask for something new, wouldn't you automatically assume it was from porn.
> 
> ...


Fair questions. My husband knows my boundaries so he wouldn't ask me to do something like anal or rimming for example. He's asked me to try new things since I last saw he watched porn. He may still watch it from time to time, I don't know...I hope not but his choice, not mine.

Big difference between erotica and porn. No, my reaction wouldn't be the same, not by a long shot. I would probably watch erotica with him if he wanted me to.



Personal said:


> Given that, I guess it's a good thing that he sometimes views pornography. Since if* he has a high sex drive he could/can console himself with that*, during the times you won't let him touch you. Instead of wanting to seek sex from someone else in your stead during such times.
> 
> I'm sure he has subsequently learned to hide it better, in order to not upset you.
> 
> ...


My sex drive is higher than his, always has been. We used to have huge issues in our marriage because his constant rejection was crushing me. I have never turned him down for sex, not a single time. There was one time I said no because he hadn't showered for 3 days, but I said to him if he jumped in the shower we could, but he didn't. I don't count that as rejection.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

frusdil said:


> I told him not to dare ask me to do something he saw in a porn movie. If he wants that he can go to a hooker and we can get a divorce.


Why? 

I've learned lots of useful tips for auto repair on YouTube that I would have never thought of on my own.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Women’s sex drive decline when they start to live with their significant other. 

Their desire for sex with their partner declines for many reasons... lack of passion, feeling like their mother, resentment from picking up after them, lack of dating and feeling special like they did when they first started dating, lack of intimacy, kissing, romance... etc.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> Women’s sex drive decline when they start to live with their significant other.


I guess the lesson there is.....don’t let them move in!

Where were you 29yrs ago?? Coulda used that advice then, lol


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

OnTheFly said:


> I guess the lesson there is.....don’t let them move in!
> 
> Where were you 29yrs ago?? Coulda used that advice then, lol


I honestly think it has to do with getting lazy and too comfortable.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> Women’s sex drive decline when they start to live with their significant other.
> 
> Their desire for sex with their partner declines for many reasons... lack of passion, feeling like their mother, resentment from picking up after them, lack of dating and feeling special like they did when they first started dating, lack of intimacy, kissing, romance... etc.


Speak for yourself. My sex drive is higher now living with my SO and being married 27 years than when we first met. I think people are individuals. Some people don't even have sex prior to marriage so their drive usually also increases.. If you partner takes you for granted that declines drive and certain life events can have effect but I don't think a decline in drive just because you live together is inevitable.

Oh and yes porn diminishes my desire to have sex a lot. Fortunately my hubby is part of the "1%" that don't watch.


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## Sockittomewife (Nov 30, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> Women’s sex drive decline when they start to live with their significant other.
> 
> Their desire for sex with their partner declines for many reasons... lack of passion, feeling like their mother, resentment from picking up after them, lack of dating and feeling special like they did when they first started dating, lack of intimacy, kissing, romance... etc.


This can be true! I have to constantly remind myself while scrubbing all the dishes and constantly talking to the washing machine, that this is the gift that I provide for my family. My husband provides the finances and i turn the house into our home. Now I do have to tell him from time to time (sometimes I think it’s a reminder for me just saying it out loud to him) I am not your mother nor do I, or you want me to be.

Now him being daddy is a different story


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Cletus said:


> Why?
> 
> I've learned lots of useful tips for auto repair on YouTube that I would have never thought of on my own.


Same. We’ve gotten several ideas from watching. Some worked out, some didn’t. But all were fun.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Marduk said:


> Same. We’ve gotten several ideas from watching. Some worked out, some didn’t. But all were fun.


You do auto repair together? Awesome.


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