# So this is the beginning of the end



## Dazedandconfusedtx (Mar 15, 2019)

My wife and I have been married 12 year where together 2 before we got married. We have 4 children 

She does suffer from borderline personality disorder and generalized anxiety disorder and depression she has tendencies for self harm and making her self the victim in all situations no matter how much she is in the wrong.

Around 2009 she had an emotional affair with an ex agreed to meet him but called it off and came to me and told me everything but in her true victim mentality sort of way saying she was weak and lonely after are move from the Houston area to the Dallas area. I forgave her and we moved onward and forward.

With exeption of when she had her breakdowns and self harmed or felt like dying happened around 20 times or so I’ve the last 7 years. We had no issues.

She started a new job in December and has been working crazy hours like from open to close 10 am to midnight 5 days a week. I work from home so the hours weren’t an issue and the extra money was nice as we were saving for a down payment on a house to stop renting.

That was until around the 20th of last month when she got arrested and charged with possession of a controlled substance (thc oil) that’s a felony here in Tx. I bailed her out the same day she told me she’s given a co worker a ride home and they must of left it in our van.

The police repor I picked up after bailing her out tells a different story says she admitted to having pot in the car which they found under her seat in a blue bag with2 pipes 2 grinders and several empty bags with marijuana residue in them a vape pen the thc oil and a bottle of antidepressant pills not prescribed to her.

They only charged her for the thc oil not sure why.

The next she went back to work and came home around 4am saying there was extra work she kept this patern going for 4 days then then on day five told me she couldn’t be in our house anymore and needed space and left.

When she left I found she had also drained our savings I’ve the last month with small 40 to 100 dollar withdrawals s blew threw 7000 in about 3 weeks.I’ll admit I didn’t keep an eye on that account as I didn’t expect either of us to touch it.

I closed our other accounts so she couldn’t bankrupt me canceled the credit cards we had and updated the lease so she isn’t on it and changed the locks and security code. Removed from the people allowed to pick the children up from school.

Packed her stuff that she left texted her that I sat them on the porch and she had two days to pick them up or I would consider them abandoned and donate them to goodwill. My ring door shows me agent picked up m up at 7 am the day after I texted her.

I found out through a mutual friend that she is spreading rumors that I kicked her out, am abusive to her and donated or burned her stuff. Alll untrue

I have a meeting with a lawyer tomorrow but know nothing about this process and want to protect myself from her false claims. Any advice will be appreciated


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The only advice I can give you is generally people who have mental illness and have cheated on you are not good candidates to be married to. Seems like she held it together as long as she could. 

You may find out that being with someone more stable is a better experience in the long run.


Also you put up with a hell of lot why do you think that is?


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## Dazedandconfusedtx (Mar 15, 2019)

sokillme said:


> Also you put up with a hell of lot why do you think that is?


For awhile I was hopeful that the person she was when she was a stable and happy she was always sweet and selfless till she got depressed or had anxiety attack her main flaw was she tried to play everything Ike it wasn’t her fault.

As time marched on though the issues wore me down the criminals charges,draining our savings and the lies about me are the last straw though.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The only thing you can do at this point is to talk to some lawyers, tell your friends/family what happened (to minimize the **** she is spreading), protect yourself financially, and make SURE you have a VAR on you at all times. She may try to accost you when you least expect it and spread lies/call cops that you are abusive. PLEASE protect yourself from her.
The BPD isn't going to make this easy for you.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Get a VAR and have it on you any time you have any contact with her. I only say this because you say she has BPD. She will level holy hell on you and not blink twice.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Dazedandconfusedtx said:


> My wife and I have been married 12 year where together 2 before we got married. We have 4 children
> 
> She does suffer from borderline personality disorder and generalized anxiety disorder and depression she has tendencies for self harm and making her self the victim in all situations no matter how much she is in the wrong.
> 
> ...


Spreading rumors about how horrible you are is standard fare and happens all the time. On that end you need to develop a thick skin. Your safest route is to NOT be in contact with her about anything. False r/o complaints etc happen all the time and are very hard to defend against. Let a lawyer handle all contact with her and negotiations and file as quickly as you can so you can legally separate the finances.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> She does suffer from borderline personality disorder and generalized anxiety disorder and depression.


Texas, that is to be expected with a pwBPD. A 2008 American study found that 80% of female pwBPD have a co-occurring mood disorder such as depression -- and 81% of them have a co-occurring anxiety disorder. Hence, although medication won't make a dent in BPD, nearly all pwBPD are prescribed meds to treat the co-occurring disorders.



> She has tendencies for self harm.


In adults, self harm (e.g., cutting or head banging or self punching) is so strongly associated with BPD that it is listed as one of the 9 BPD diagnostic symptoms. Of the 157 mental disorders listed in DSM-5, only one -- BPD -- has self harm such as cutting listed as one of the defining symptoms.



> She makes herself the victim in all situations no matter how much she is in the wrong.


Like a narcissist, a pwBPD has such a weak, fragile sense of self that she does not really know who she is. But, whereas a narcissist thinks of himself as "The Special One," a pwBPD thinks of himself as "The Victim." Another difference is that, whereas the narcissist is so out of touch with his real self that he believes the false self image is real, a pwBPD typically KNOWS that her false self image is false. Yet, because being "The Victim" is the closest thing to having a lasting self image, she will frequently try to "validate" that false self image by projecting all bad thoughts and hurt feelings onto her partner.



> She had also drained our savings in the last month with small 40 to 100 dollar withdrawals s blew threw 7000 in about 3 weeks.


You will get half of that back when you go through settlement in the divorce because you have a record of it. Consider yourself lucky. She very likely walked out because she was convinced in her mind that you were planning to leave her, never mind that you had no such intent. 

My BPD exW was so fearful of abandonment -- after I started establishing stronger personal boundaries -- that she preemptively abandoned me. By "abandoned me," I mean she chased me room-to-room in a rage and then called the police to have me arrested on the bogus charge of "brutalizing" her. 

Because she did this early on a Saturday morning, I was in jail for 3 days before I had a chance to go before a judge in arraignment and be released. By then, she had obtained a R/O barring me from returning to my own home until the divorce was complete 18 months later.



> I have a meeting with a lawyer tomorrow but know nothing about this process and want to protect myself from her false claims. Any advice will be appreciated.


I recommend you read the book, _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder_. It was written by the author of the best-selling BPD book (_Stop Walking on Eggshells)._ 

For articles on the painful process of walking away, I recommend Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD and the article, No Contact: The Right Way. Another good article is Pain of Breaking Up at the Psychology Today website.

With regard to the children, I suggest you consider "parallel parenting" instead of coparenting. See, e.g., You Can't Co-Parent With A Toxic Ex, But You Can Do This Instead. I also suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) in the Family Law, Custody, Co-parenting, Divorce message board at BPDfamily.com. If you have questions, Texas, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.


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## Dazedandconfusedtx (Mar 15, 2019)

Thank you for the resources uptown I’ll look into the books as far as the lies she telling everyone the people who know me know there not truei was worried about the possible legal ramifications of her lies.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

and somewhere along the way you thought it was a good idea to have 4 kids with this woman ......


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Dazedandconfusedtx said:


> For awhile I was hopeful that the person she was when she was a stable and happy she was always sweet and selfless till she got depressed or had anxiety attack her main flaw was she tried to play everything Ike it wasn’t her fault.
> 
> As time marched on though the issues wore me down the criminals charges,draining our savings and the lies about me are the last straw though.


BPDs are never stable and happy, they are playacting. 

They are very manipulative and calculating and know what you want to see and hear and they playact that role. 

They just aren't able to keep it up 24/7 forever and in time their true, disordered self starts breaking through and eventually once they think they've got you fully suckered in, their façade comes off and their true, disordered nature takes over. 

Now you know. RUN FOREST RUN!!!!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like she may have a substance abuse problem.

Once someone becomes an addict all bets are off...it changes them. 

Went through it with my sistet.

Addicts lie, cheat, and steal.

Protect yourself.


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## habc (Aug 24, 2013)

Yup, been there and done this. Mine was bipolar and it was a living hell, that is behind my back!!! The crap she pulled while I wasnt around,working and just trying to be a good dad was unbelievable. I ended up losing all of my businesses and my family basically because she manipulated my daughters so bad. My 8 year old son still comes with me all the time. Ive since moved on but hold an enormous amount of anger toward her but im glad she is out of my life. Believe me just get out and stay out. Dont pity yourself like I did and wasted my time, they are doomed to eternal misery because of the way they feel inside anyway.


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## Dazedandconfusedtx (Mar 15, 2019)

So going through some old stuff and finding an old phone of here’s I powered it on to clear the data and sale it as I’m clearing junk to move to a smaller more affordable place with only one income and saling what I can. I discovered she was still signed into Facebook through this phone. The messages revealed she’s having a affair with a barely 18 year old coworker(she’s 31) currently she’s living with him and his mother. I presented this to my lawyer and was advised against saying anything as that would be admitting I was in her Facebook and that violates some federal privacy laws.

I know the relationship is done but this infonstill hit me like a ton of bricks.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, rough discovery! I am not even a little bit surprised though, honestly. I'm sure this just solidifies your resolve to end things, I'm so sorry.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

So can you skip the fb info and hire a PI? Ask your lawyer. You are gonna want to protect your children as the odds of her being a stable mom are 'iffy'. 

Her work hours were certainly suspect and others at the workplace may be sources of info for PI. Don't you ask as they will cover for her.

You won't believe the difference in your life after she is no longer your responsibility/wife.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Yes, please hire a PI and get the same information through them -- that will be admissible in court.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dazed, any updates?? I hope you got a PI on her to get that same info so it can be used to get YOU the best results from the Divorce.


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## Dazedandconfusedtx (Mar 15, 2019)

Haven’t got a pi but my lawyer did some research and since the phone didn’t have a password word on it and she was still signed into her email accounts and Facebook with the fact that the phone was also bought during the course of our marriage makes it commutable property which means anything I uncover or discover on it is fair game. So long as I don’t try to sign into her accounts on another device or change her passwords.

At least according to another case his partners have handled in the past.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Please follow the plan you've worked up with your lawyer -- protect yourself, your assets, and ESPECIALLY your children.
With the drug use documented, you should have a good chance at getting full custody (and YOU NEED TO -- your STBXW is NOT a good role model for your kids nor is she capable of taking care of them).

Please make sure you have a VAR on you at all times, especially when she gets served. When is the plan for that??
You need to expose her affair and drug use to all (family/friends/etc.). Make sure that she cannot re-write your history and that you can get the support you need through this.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cigarettes , guns and rock climbing gear all come with warning labels. BPDers should come with warning labels as well explaining all of the inherent dangers of getting involved with them.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dazedandconfusedtx said:


> Haven’t got a pi but my lawyer did some research and since the phone didn’t have a password word on it and she was still signed into her email accounts and Facebook with the fact that the phone was also bought during the course of our marriage makes it commutable property which means anything I uncover or discover on it is fair game. So long as I don’t try to sign into her accounts on another device or change her passwords.
> 
> At least according to another case his partners have handled in the past.


If it’s an iPhone, turn off iCloud Photos and take screenshots of everything that you can get your hands on.

Also change — do NOT disable — the screen lock code. Use at least a 6-digit code that she doesn’t know and won’t be able to guess. Be sure to keep the screen clean so she won’t be able to use your fingerprints to guess the code should she come over and find it (keep it out of sight, though... keep readying).

Then put the phone into Airplane Mode and use iTunes on a Mac or PC to take a full backup of it. Once you’ve backed it up, back up the backup folder.

Then turn on wifi (but keep it in Airplane Mode so that Bluetooth stays disabled and it won’t attempt to connect to a cell network) but keep it plugged in somewhere out of sight.

Maybe take out the SIM card as well, just in case.

If she had a case or anything else on it that clearly identified it as hers, take it off and replace it with something else.


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## Dazedandconfusedtx (Mar 15, 2019)

GusPolinski said:


> Dazedandconfusedtx said:
> 
> 
> > Haven’t got a pi but my lawyer did some research and since the phone didn’t have a password word on it and she was still signed into her email accounts and Facebook with the fact that the phone was also bought during the course of our marriage makes it commutable property which means anything I uncover or discover on it is fair game. So long as I don’t try to sign into her accounts on another device or change her passwords.
> ...


Not an I phone but an android it did not have lock code on it. I’ve taken screenshots of everything that relates to me ,our marriage, her affair, drug use and receipts from orders that she had shipped to her boyfriends house and backed them up to my google drive. I’ve changed the locks at my house and have had her removed from the lease so she can’t just come back and possibly take anything.

I even used a program to recover deleted text and photos from the phone found stuff dating back almost a year and half regarding her drug use. 

Have found she stopped seeing her phycologist in September of last year though this digging not sure how I missed all this going on now that I ve seen I look back and say should of seen it all along


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