# Reactions to HNHN Questionnaire



## 4sakenallothers (Feb 28, 2012)

Me and my husband completed the HNHN questionnaire last night and he was a little relucant. He feels that things are not that bad between us and this type of stuff is for people who are in MC or have been having problems for a year or more. I explained to him that it could be looked at like he describes but it could also be a prevention method so things dont get to the point of MC or year long problems. We didnt get a chance to exhcange them last night because I fell asleep while he was still working on his. 

So what happens after we exchange them, do we discuss it or just make mental notes of what we need to focus on and get the ball rolling? I would appreciate any guidance?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

4sakenallothers said:


> Me and my husband completed the HNHN questionnaire last night and he was a little relucant. He feels that things are not that bad between us and this type of stuff is for people who are in MC or have been having problems for a year or more. I explained to him that it could be looked at like he describes but it could also be a prevention method so things dont get to the point of MC or year long problems. We didnt get a chance to exhcange them last night because I fell asleep while he was still working on his.
> 
> So what happens after we exchange them, do we discuss it or just make mental notes of what we need to focus on and get the ball rolling? I would appreciate any guidance?


Why would you not discuss it? I mean, if both of you made the effort to answer the questions, why would you not then discuss the results? There are no wrong answers on the questionnaire, so there really is no room for argument as to the results. What you have is a discussion by which you understand each other better, right?


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

We discussed!


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## 4sakenallothers (Feb 28, 2012)

Since my husband doesnt think we have any major problems I am scared my responses might shock him. I just hope he doesnt become defensive and it turns into a blame game. 

Backhistory: I am 31 and he is 29, we are a blended family we both had one child when we got married 3 years ago. We have 2 kids together. So with 4 kids, 3 in the household full time. I dont think we make enough efforts to fulfil eachothers EN.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Some ways to deflect the blame is by saying this like "i feel this or that" instead of blaming him for the way you feel by pointing out what he doesn't do. Make a point to bring up those successful times when he met one of your needs to keep it positive. Go in with an open heart! This isn't about the past, it's about moving towards a better future. He will do better once he knows better. Also make sure to discuss it when it's convenient for him and you have his full attention.


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## 4sakenallothers (Feb 28, 2012)

Thanks for the advice Fembot.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I would make an appointment to discuss them together. That way, you can choose a time when you won't be disturbed, you won't be rushed, and you won't be exhausted or anything else that could add negativity to the discussion. Then, take turns. You read off to your husband everything on the page dealing with your highest need. For instance, if your number one need is Affection, read that page, with your comments, to your husband. Then, it's his turn to read to you the page, with his comments, on his number one need. After that, you both do your number 2 need, and so on until you've covered them all - or at least each of your top 5.

Expect that your needs will differ, both in the importance they have for each of you (your #1 may be his #6), and in how each of you would like for them to be met. Try to keep your examples positive ("I would like it if you did X", rather than "Stop doing Y"). Make every effort to only ask questions to clarify, rather than to challenge ("When you say X, can you give me an example?", rather than "So, what, you want me to do A every freaking time I see you?!?!"). Keep the conversation pleasant, constructive and positive. If it becomes otherwise, table the discussion for another time. This is an opportunity to let your spouse know what you need and to learn about what your spouse needs from you. It should _not_ be about what your spouse isn't doing, or about what you _think_ your spouse "should" want or need.

Good luck!


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## 4sakenallothers (Feb 28, 2012)

Thank you Rowan thats excellent advice and I will definitely use it. 

Its funny that we got that book as a wedding present and for 3 years its sat on the self until I stumbled across the board and seen how often it was referenced. I think I will also pick up Love Busters.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Another great one is "men are from mars, women are from venus"! I only just discovered it and it could've saved me a lot of heartache if I had read it a lot earlier.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I have been wanting to ask if any suggestions on how to get H to do HNHN in case where we both agree there no major or pressing problems. I just decide to ask my H if he had any idea on how I could get him to complete it. Bad idea. Somehow it lead to sex and still not agree to complete HNHN. 

Usually I can get him to do stuff like that if I ask enough but I don't know why this so difficult.


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## 4sakenallothers (Feb 28, 2012)

Fembot, I read that one when I was a teen (I dont know why) but I cant remember much about the book. I have to go through my collection and see if I still have it.


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## 4sakenallothers (Feb 28, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> I have been wanting to ask if any suggestions on how to get H to do HNHN in case where we both agree there no major or pressing problems. I just decide to ask my H if he had any idea on how I could get him to complete it. Bad idea. Somehow it lead to sex and still not agree to complete HNHN.
> 
> Usually I can get him to do stuff like that if I ask enough but I don't know why this so difficult.


Seems like men are just reluctant when they feel like its unnecessary. Me telling my H that he didnt understand which needs are most important to me was my only saving grace.


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