# HELP! totally don't know what to do..



## smurflady (Mar 29, 2010)

OK here goes, my life is such a mess, don't know how I came to this. This post is going to be lengthy for that I apologise.

A little background. I'm married almost 23 years with 4 children. I got engaged at 21 and married at 22. I was so naive and innocent at that age I might as well have been 16.
The thing is I fell head over heels with a fellow student in college but it was unreciprocated and at the end of the 1st year he left for another course and I was devastated. My mother match-maked me up with a guy within a month (to help me get over the other guy who wasn't coming back) and I started seeing him. I suppose it was rebound big time. We got on well and there never seemed to be a good enough reason to break up. Everyone liked him and said how good he was for me and I was happy enough so.. long story short we got married after 3 years together. Was I in love? now I don't think so. Wish now that I had just lived a little. I never actually had a previous boyfriend and was so glad that someone liked me.

We haven't had too bad of a marriage but I have always felt that there is something missing. Love on my part maybe.
I have little in common with my husband except the kids. He was a good father most of the time (more on that later) and the years passed. I have hobbies and interests, art, piano, hiking, photography, pets etc etc which I have tried to keep up over the years although I have lost touch with many things through lack of time, and the fact that my husband has no interest in any of my pursuits at all. In fact he has no hobby of any kind. Ask him what his interests are and he will say he likes to read the paper. I convinced him to try swimming lessons once as I love swimming but he came twice and said never again. Do it yourself if you want to. This is his attitude to most things including going out or going on holiday.

I arranged a family holiday for all 6 of us 2 years ago. It was our first family holiday away from our own country (we've been away for a week within a 100 miles of our house about twice in 20 years) It was a disaster in many ways. My husband hated the sun and spent all the week under a tree at the back of the beach while I lay beside the pool or on the beach near him. He fought with the kids over keeping the apt tidy and spent half hour each evening comparing prices at the local restaurants before we could actually eat. we survived the week and I think the kids enjoyed it but it was tough going.
I suggested that we go again this year but he said no go on your own. I don't want to go away by myself, so I didn't bother.
We almost never go out socially, as he prefers to stay at home so I usually socialise with my girlfriends by going to the cinema or for a drink about once a month. I have been out to a pub once with my OH two weeks ago. It was our first night out since last October. He didn't even realise it had been that long. We spent 2 hours in a pub and had one drink each. Guess that has to keep me going for another 5 months.

now here's where it gets complicated. About 4 years ago OH suggested that he would like to retire early from his work and that the kids were now old enough for me to get a job. I liked that idea of working and after a few refusals found a job. He was supportive of this and took on the role of house husband saying he would feed the kids and do the school pickups. He picks them up all right but feeding them is another matter as he is a terrible cook and makes no effort to make a nice meal. He will just cook potatoes and meat and leave them for the kids (all teenagers) to fix into a meal themselves. Of course they have 'gone on strike' with eating what he cooks so most evenings after a long day I have to cook a meal for myself and my 2 daughters. I don't mind the above so much its just stuff that I'm used to but my real problem I suppose is that I know at this stage that I don't love him at all. 
I'm not sexually attracted to him either and this for me is a real problem now. He likes to sleep with me but I cringe. It feels like prostitution. Tears roll down my face in the dark. But if I said no he would be very hurt and angry and I can't face that either. Call me a coward thats what I am.
We were doing OK until about this time last year when he turned very nasty and we went thru a difficult phase with our eldest daughter. He has always been rough and quite stern with the kids over small stuff. Physical punishment in the form of slapping and yelling loudly at them. Many times I have said I won't tolerate this and it had been oK for a long time but he lost his temper with our daughter and slapped her around the head (she was 17) just for wearing makeup. There was a horrible row and when I came between them he pushed me back and said 'Keep out of my way'
It took him a week to even apologise to her and that was only because the atmosphere in the house was so awful. They didn't talk normally for months after.
I felt as if a screen was lifted from my eyes and I asked myself 'Who is this person I',m married to?' He has apologised to me too but I can't forget.

At the same time my job that I got in work came to an end and I started a business with a work colleague (male and also married) with my husbands approval. All four of us my business partner and his wife and me and my husband went into this business but while my BP's wife works sometimes in the shop my OH has no interest in taking an active part. mostly its me and this other man in the shop together. If I'm honest there is a strong attraction between us, we like and respect each other and get on very well. Many customers mistakenly assume we're married to each other. We have many interests in common, which makes for good conversation. 
It would be easy to have an affair with him. I see it in his eyes but I won't go there because its just not me to have an affair behind my OH's back. MY BP and I have actually acknowledged that we are attracted to each other and I have said to him that it can't be and probably never will but still...
Having an affair would be so foolish and I'm not going to but I feel so lonely in my marriage. I have no affection or feeling from my husband. He doesn't touch me or do anything with me except have sex with me about once a week, and isn't marriage supposed to be a partnership. Aren't you supposed to be with someone because you want to?
I don't want to.
But I must. I have no life outside my family I have no money to leave and start again. my kids would be devastated. Ages are 19, 17 15 and 11. I can't break up my household. Truth be told I'm scared to do anything but I'm unhappy with my life.
Does anyone have any advice? If I won the Lottery I would leave, buy a little house and live by MYSELF. Pity its not that simple. Any advice would be welcome.
Do I stay and hope that love will grow back 
Or do I leave and destroy everyone elses life.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you want to try to save your marriage, print out a copy of 
Divorce Busting® - Walk-Away Wife Syndrome - Wife Ending Marriage
and give it to your husband. Tell him this is where you are headed and why. Have a marriage counseling appointment set up and tell him he goes with you or you will go alone.

You need to let him know the marriage is seriously at risk b/c after years of neglect, you are feeling attracted to someone else. You will either leave (maybe when youngest is a bit older, maybe sooner) or have an affair. You can only tolerate the bad sex and lack of affection for so long. Trust me: BTDT.

If you do not want to save the marriage, then tell him that, too, and work out the details together. If you make it easy for him by not demanding much financially (or promising him enough to support himself), then that will reduce the tension and make it easier on the kids. Keep the kids at the center of every conversation, every decision, every thought you have, and you will do better. Keep a picture of them to show him when he begins to say things that are going to hurt the kids. All that needs to be discussed are the "business" arrangements for ending the marriage, if you are sure you don't want to keep going.

As for the emotional attachment you feel to this OM, do not move in that direction at all, at least not until both you (and he) are divorced and alone for a year. Otherwise, it'll be another rebound for you and destined to failure. It would be best to separate yourself from him entirely, but that may not be possible. Just keep this in mind: you MUST make the decision to divorce assuming that you will be alone the rest of your life. If you don't, you'll make a bad decision. Can you be alone like that? Only you can decide.

Best of luck. I know a lot about how you feel!


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