# He showed our son the papers



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

After a long period of my ex refusing to fill out any separation papers my lawyer had him served with a summons. It listed what I am asking for, and all my wordly assets and savings. So he has our son 'photocopy' the 27 pages, to ensure he will read them. My son is furious with me, texted me that he can't believe how greedy I am. I told him the envelope was not addressed to him and he should not have read it. My son, 23, said not to contact him again.

My lawyer is asking for costs because he dragged it out so long, and the equivalent to rent for the last 18 months on the main house.


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

Your son is angry with you because of what he read in your divorce papers, and rather than explaining to him why it was necessary for you to word it like that, and say other things to explain why you had to do it that way, you tell him he was wrong for opening an envelope that wasn't addressed to him?

No wonder he isn't talking to you and probably never will.

You had an opportunity to make things right and yet you turn it around and make your son out to be the one who messed up.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Ouch. Tough response right off the bat. 

Do you feel you were being greedy?

You don't need to explain. Just validate his emotions.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you surprised he showed your son the papers? I'm not -- based on all the other things he's done in the past. Your son's always been on his side. Nothing new.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

indiecat said:


> After a long period of my ex refusing to fill out any separation papers my lawyer had him served with a summons. It listed what I am asking for, and all my wordly assets and savings. So he has our son 'photocopy' the 27 pages, to ensure he will read them. My son is furious with me, texted me that he can't believe how greedy I am. I told him the envelope was not addressed to him and he should not have read it. My son, 23, said not to contact him again.
> 
> My lawyer is asking for costs because he dragged it out so long, and the equivalent to rent for the last 18 months on the main house.


He'll get over it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Do you want a relationship with your son?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I did tell our son the reason I asked for some costs, because my lawyer has been asking politely for the papers to be filled out by his father for over a year. 

I told our son that I am sorry that it's been so hard on him, and everyone. 

It's very hard to hear that his dad, while telling the kids there is no food money, has bought a new Mustang last July, in addition to his 5 other cars, and his 2 motorcycles.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Indie...

You and I have spoken at length in the past, sometimes thru PMs.

Your son (and your daughter, for that matter) are WAY too old for all of this drama to even matter. At 23, your son is a GROWN MALE ADULT. The fact that he is getting sucked into Dad's "poor me drama", and still LASHING out AT YOU, speaks to the fact that there is MUCH dysfunction, codependency, spite, unresolved anger, histrionics, etc... Counseling is in order for him. Accept and own the fact that you AND your husband brought extreme dysfunction into your children's lives. And help them sort it out so they don't repeat the dysfunctional patterns in their own marriages.

You have allowed yourself to be sidetracked by all the drama -- "Do my kids still love ME? Why can't they see how TERRIBLE he is?"

If you have to "cut off" your kids for awhile longer then that's what you have to do. Quit being "guilted" by your kids, and your ex. You are WAY too smart to buckle under this BS.

My son is almost 21. He has absolutely REMOVED himself of any issues between me and my ex. I try to NEVER bring up difficulties with his dad. But when he does become aware of them, he ALWAYS says, "That's between you and Dad. I love you both. I don't want to get dragged in the middle of it."


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Indie, not the best way to respond. Telling your son the papers weren't his to read assigns him with blame for doing what his father asked him to do. Should Dad have done that. No. But kids, even adult kids will become defensive when you blame them for something they did under someone elses directions . He's not going to listen to your words after that.

Your children are capable of seeing the same facts you present here. They see the cars and can draw their own conclusions about Dad's money. You have no control over what STBXH says or does, only what you say and do. If you don't want your STBX to draw the kids into the divorce, then you better not either.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I was trying very hard not to involve the kids. He had our son copy the papers so that he would read them. I don't know what the proper response is to being called greedy by our son? I tried to explain that it was because his dad had been delaying things. If I speak it's wrong for involving him, if I don't speak, it also seems wrong for not explaining why I did something when he is told about it.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

indiecat said:


> I was trying very hard not to involve the kids. He had our son copy the papers so that he would read them. I don't know what the proper response is to being called greedy by our son? I tried to explain that it was because his dad had been delaying things. If I speak it's wrong for involving him, if I don't speak, it also seems wrong for not explaining why I did something when he is told about it.


I know your STBX has been involving the kids a long time and that it breaks your heart. But when your son texted you like that did you honestly believe he was open to a conversation. It sure doesn't seem like it. There were several things that could have been said in that encounter and we're trying to point out that the one you chose perpetuated the conflict and animosity.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

What are the several things that could have been said? 

I explained why the requests were made, because of the delay. When he got aggressive I said the papers were not meant for him.

It's confusing, I've been told not to involve the kids in adult matters.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

indiecat said:


> What are the several things that could have been said?
> 
> I explained why the requests were made, because of the delay. When he got aggressive I said the papers were not meant for him.
> 
> It's confusing, I've been told not to involve the kids in adult matters.


You stbx got him involved. Adult children often want to know what is going on. I think it was okay for your stbx to show the papers to your son. 
You are understandably stressed out and confused by all of this, but getting upset with your son for reading the papers was not helpful. Explaining to him that you are demanding more due to his father's delay is the same as telling him that you are punishing his father for not doing what you want him to do. I can see why your son is upset about that. It would help for you to understand where he is coming from and not engage him in argument.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

The truth was the expenses were due to his dad ignoring the papers for a year, despite repeated requests. It was just the truth. My lawyer had been begging his lawyer, and even his lawyer said we would have to do a summons because he doesn't know what to do. 

What should I have done or said? What words?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

How about 

"I'm sorry you were dragged into this dispute"

"The legal filings can be confusing, but they can never define our family or reflect the love I will always have for you."

"This entire process has broken my heart, too"

"I'd be happy to discuss your feelings about the divorce. Let's meet for lunch"

"Please try to remember that in any divorce there are two sides. Neither one is completely right, and neither one is completely wrong."


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I am sorry I don't know the full story but are you asking for your husband to pay all the attorneys fees ?

Clay


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

From my perspective, you were in a lose, lose situation. To be honest, he really did not care about what you had to say and was only looking for confirmation about his perception of reality. Confirmation bias.

Your husband has painted you as greedy and your son was primed for that reality. When he looks at the papers, all he sees is confirmation of your greed without taking in the context of the situation because your husband helped set that narrative.

Even if you explained the details to him, what does not mesh with his reality he will discard because you were guilty before hand.

He was also in a deep emotional state, so he could not use his logic over the situation. During high levels of emotions, logic takes a back seat. Remember, he was already convinced of your guilt, he was reacting from the emotional side of his brain, from his perception, you are hurting his father, and plus he sounds like he lacks emotional and mental maturity. He could not detach and view everything more critically.

Also, he has a strong conviction, a belief, that you are whom your husband portrayed you as. Even if you had good evidence, he would have dismissed them because it did not match his perception of reality.

Honestly, a therapist would help you out, and may give your son the tools to think more critically. He needs to learn not to let his emotions rule him, and perhaps it is something you and your daughter can learn as well.

Sorry, I do not know a lot about your situation and this is just guess work on the limited information I gathered from this thread alone.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

indiecat said:


> I was trying very hard not to involve the kids. He had our son copy the papers so that he would read them. *I don't know what the proper response is to being called greedy by our son?* I tried to explain that it was because his dad had been delaying things. If I speak it's wrong for involving him, if I don't speak, it also seems wrong for not explaining why I did something when he is told about it.


NO!!!

The CORRECT response is, "This is between me and your dad. This doesn't involve YOU (son)."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I told my therapist about the conversation between my son and I. She said there is no winning, as Mr Fisty said. She said just keep consistent and tell my son I love him as I have been all along. And keep telling him it's a hard situation for everyone as I have been. She said telling him it wasn't meant for him was neither here nor there, it's just the truth. As long as I assured him that I know how hard it's been on him. She said in time he will look back and realize his dad should not have involved him. 

She thought it was despicable that my ex would be showing the papers to our son, she felt it was using him as a pawn. 

thanks to all for your input.


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