# I gave another man a bj



## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

H and I have been together 6 years married for 3. I would say the first 3 were ok. We argued now and then but he was still playful and sweet, surprised me, was affectionate but then those things became less and less frequent. We are still young, me 25 him 31 but now due to his decision we average sex maybe once a week if that. I've tried talking about it, trying harder, switching it up nothing works. He always just claims he's too tired to talk, have sex, cuddle whatever. He just asks for massages and never returns the favor. I don't get it!

Then it started to get ugly. I started to become attracted to other men again. I see sexy guys everywhere now and it boosts my ego every time someone checks me out because H never compliments me. Months go by.

I know this guy through my sister, they're friends. About a year ago we met one day and have flirted since. Innocent flirting that one day led to making out and fondling and now a little over a year since first encountering him I went over his house last week and decided I wont go allll the way but I was definetly in the mood to do something. So I gave him oral and loved it. He was so responsive and passionate about it..talking dirty and getting involved. I don't feel guilty about it. That was the first time I've cheated in anyway. Is it really a good idea to tell my H or should I just keep it a secret and chalk it up to a little fun?

We do have 3 kids


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Cheating is never, ever a good idea. It doesn't sound like you are happy in your marriage. Start there.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Ignoring all the marriage issues and focusing solely on what you should or shouldn't do...you should tell him and take it from there. You won't find many friendly responses as most here feel that once you cheat, you have crossed that bridge nobody should cross. End the marriage, don't cheat. Get help, don't cheat. I feel for you all the way up to you sucking some other guys ****. Now you are the bad guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

It would be a great idea to tell your husband. Do it now, before you create another user id and post a different fantastic story.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Classy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@TallieMo I understand what's it like to have a husband who's not interested but I've never cheated. 
If you love your husband you immediately must stop looking for attention from other men & think about your 3 kids. 
Sex once a week with husband is OK, but sounds as though it's lacking passion & intimacy. 
You should focus on finding out what turns on your husband.
Have you offered him a BJ along with his massage? 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

Oh yes it's all he wants. Its never about me just his pleasure. I always just feel so ugly with him with the no positive comments, affection, ect. On top of missing all of those aspects, he gets mad over petty things and wishes me dead among other stuff.

Everyone is right. Our marriage is unhealthy, I have crossed that line. The big message was 3 years ago I never would have even considered something like that. Because he tried to be there for me and lift me up not always try and bring me down and suck the life out of me. My actions have made me realize my love for him as dwindled away and I'm not sure the next logical step.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

anonmd said:


> It would be a great idea to tell your husband. Do it now, before you create another user id and post a different fantastic story.



I've never had a different username this is my first one so I'm not sure what you mean


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

TallieMo said:


> H and I have been together 6 years married for 3. I would say the first 3 were ok. We argued now and then but he was still playful and sweet, surprised me, was affectionate but then those things became less and less frequent. We are still young, me 25 him 31 but now due to his decision we average sex maybe once a week if that. I've tried talking about it, trying harder, switching it up nothing works. He always just claims he's too tired to talk, have sex, cuddle whatever. He just asks for massages and never returns the favor. I don't get it!
> 
> Then it started to get ugly. I started to become attracted to other men again. I see sexy guys everywhere now and it boosts my ego every time someone checks me out because H never compliments me. Months go by.
> 
> ...




Your hubby is to take care of your needs as his own. That means since you have a healthy adventurous high sex drive HD, he should be taking care of business in the bedroom and that's not 1x week or less......

Sounds like your hubby is low sex drive LD. He could have sex 1x week or much less and doesn't see it as a big deal.

Sexual mismatch.

You want fun sex often.

He doesn't want sex much at all.

You've talked to him about it, he knows, does nothing and you're sexually starved, making you weak, and got it on with another guy.

Yes, you committed adultery and broke your marriage vows. What would your parents think??? God, if you believe????

I say, don't ever cheat again, buy yourself sex toys, try giving your hubby oral and see what happens.

But going off to have sex with another man is not an option. Either divorce your hubby or stay faithful.

The guy you cheated with probably has a high sex drive like yourself, so you both connected sexually.

Another thought. What if your hubby is scared of getting you pregnant again? 4th child? Reason for not wanting sex much?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

TallieMo said:


> Oh yes it's all he wants. Its never about me just his pleasure. I always just feel so ugly with him with the no positive comments, affection, ect. On top of missing all of those aspects, he gets mad over petty things and wishes me dead among other stuff.
> 
> Everyone is right. Our marriage is unhealthy, I have crossed that line. The big message was 3 years ago I never would have even considered something like that. Because he tried to be there for me and lift me up not always try and bring me down and suck the life out of me. My actions have made me realize my love for him as dwindled away and I'm not sure the next logical step.


Your gut instincts should tell you whether you want to be married to this man. 
If you do want to stay married, then there is a lot of work ahead & it will not be easy. 
If you're not in love with him, it will be really difficult to improve any sex with him. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

'I gave another man a blow job'

That's nice.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Have you ever considered what you were doing to turn him off of his playfulness, compliments, being affectionate, etc? Or are you just another entitled princess who "deserves" these things as though they're a birth right? Ever considered you're not giving him what he needs to give you the things you want?

Blowing off some guy because your H has become distant....instead of digging and finding out what the issues may be or are. 

Classy. 

The fact you "don't feel guilty about it" says it all I think. Had he screwed around on you first, I could possibly understand that. But just because you feel neglected and lonely? No guilt? Says it all right there.

"Boosts your ego?" Hmmpf. For all the women in the world who complain about the "fragile male ego", and then turn around and blow off some guy to boost their own ego.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Why was I thinking when I read the title that a guy started this post?


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

Yes I have considered and I totally get why you have the impression you do. I was soaring the details of my life story but I guess I can get a bit deeper. 

He did **** up in the past when I before this haven't. First time we were dating, with his ex gf he broke up with me for her. I forgave him. Second time he posted a non successful Craig's list ad looking for gay sex while I was at work. Claimed it was fantasizing , and claimed he had no interest in really doing it. I forgave him. 

The bigger picture is I am actually the opposite of entitled princess. I always gave him everything -- sweet talk, compliments, body massages few times a week, bjs, sex however he wanted it. I do all his laundry he hasn't even washed a dish in 6 years. I do all the cleaning he doesn't change one diaper. He works but I carry everything else. Then I get denied affection and compliments and conversation because he says its not who he is. When I ask what the problem is he tells me because I nag. 

We argue in the slightest and I'm a b word, worthless, I should get cancer, no one likes me, ect..

I'm not perfect and maybe it wasnt right but I'm not the nasty hoe I maybe sound like..it kills me it got to this point because when I was happy even after his mistakes this what I am doing and feeling never would happen.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

donny64 said:


> Have you ever considered what you were doing to turn him off of his playfulness, compliments, being affectionate, etc? Or are you just another entitled princess who "deserves" these things as though they're a birth right? Ever considered you're not giving him what he needs to give you the things you want?
> 
> Blowing off some guy because your H has become distant....instead of digging and finding out what the issues may be or are.
> 
> ...


I replied to you but it didn't quote your post.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@TallieMo if he posted an article for "gay sex" why did you stay together? Is it religion? 

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## llahti (May 4, 2016)

I think you made a huge mistake, this post really disturbs me till no end. Do people not even look at marriage as FOREVER anymore, why is it that the grass is always greener on the other side. 

In my opinion you need to be seeking a lawyer for a divorce not on a marriage website. if you in the least little bit felt bad then I could see it but for you to say that you don't even feel bad for cheating on your husband. I am sorry as I said this really disturbed me


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

If he isn't having sex with you and posting gay sex ads, you know you got a gay guy on your hands. That's just the time you caught him. I get your pain. I was married to a lesbian. I get you want to feel sexy and be a woman. End it now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

llahti said:


> I think you made a huge mistake, this post really disturbs me till no end. Do people not even look at marriage as FOREVER anymore, why is it that the grass is always greener on the other side.
> 
> In my opinion you need to be seeking a lawyer for a divorce not on a marriage website. if you in the least little bit felt bad then I could see it but for you to say that you don't even feel bad for cheating on your husband. I am sorry as I said this really disturbed me


Look, let's not make it a today versus the good old days. In the good old days, women were expected to service their men, do what they wanted and we're just 1 step above a child. Sure, marriage lasts forever in that scenario.

I give everyone a bit of credit if they come to a website like this, open up and ask for help. Does that mean they did a good thing? Of course not. But being self aware is very important and knowing you did something wrong and reaching out is better than the vast majority of cheaters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@TallieMo I'm sorry but sounds like he may be hiding in the closet. Straight men don't put ads up for "just fancy gay" 
This explains his moods & terrible treatment. 
You should consider talking with him about coming out (in a nice way) for your children's sake.
And file for divorce & find yourself a straight man. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> @TallieMo if he posted an article for "gay sex" why did you stay together? Is it religion?
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


No We believe in God but he is not very religious and I was never baptised. I was 21, 6 months pregnant with my first child and we were engaged. It was the day we were signing a lease on a 2 bedroom and I just let it go. I was very blind to a lot. I still find it hard to believe he is gay as that was the only incident I did find. But, the question does remain. He doesnt open up about anything it's hard to really know him.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> @TallieMo I'm sorry but sounds like he may be hiding in the closet. Straight men don't put ads up for "just fancy gay"
> This explains his moods & terrible treatment.
> You should consider talking with him about coming out (in a nice way) for your children's sake.
> And file for divorce & find yourself a straight man.
> ...


See! that's something I find myself still trying to ask him. Why post it then? Even think about it? Doesn't it mean that feeling has to be there?

I never considered that being the reason behind his mean behavior before.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

Herschel said:


> If he isn't having sex with you and posting gay sex ads, you know you got a gay guy on your hands. That's just the time you caught him. I get your pain. I was married to a lesbian. I get you want to feel sexy and be a woman. End it now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow you understand exactly. I just want to feel sexy and feminine around him but I cant. Maybe that was my one giant red flag and I missed it.

I'm sorry your marriage failed..how did you find out she was actually gay ?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@TallieMo if you can, find out what porn he is watching by checking any history on phones, iPads etc. 
This should give you an answer. 

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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Cheating is wrong. Cheating when you have kids is even worse. You cheated on them too. If your not happy then leave. File for a divorce and then you can have your freedom but if he finds out and for the most part something like this comes out in the open sooner or later, then you have even bigger problems.

File and be done with it. No sense staying in a marrage where your not happy.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She didn't cheat.....according to Bill Clinton....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

This was the wrong thread to read before I was going to turn off the light for the night. Too much for me at the end of the day. I think I'm getting too old. Good Night. Good Luck OP !


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It's preferable that you immediately tell your H about your unfaithfulness!

After all, would you prefer that he found out the truth from you, or possibly from some other participative or non-participative third party?

The choice is undoubtedly yours!
*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

End it. He's gay. Straight guys do not post ads for gay sex. If he's trolling the waters, sooner or later he will catch something and bring it home to you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Something tells me you are becoming someone you never wanted to be.

You can fix this by being honest.

The most painful thing to do also bring the greatest rewards.

Face this crap head on with your old man and stop hanging with guys that don't mind BJs from married women...these guys are bad for you.

It's easy living an emotional unhealthy life...but it wont bring shyt in the end.

Do the hard work in living an emotion healthy life and good thing will come....and this just might not include your current husband.

STOP THE DECEIT...IT WILL PAY OFF!


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

Try and figure out what you really want and tell your husband both what happened and what you need for it to not happen again and see if he is willing to work with you or separate without to much fighting. I believe in second chances and my wife cheated on me multiple times but we have tried to work on things but she don't show much remorse for what she did and now we are falling apart quickly I just wish I could have figured out quicker what I really needed from her to be able to really forgive and now when I know it is to late to repair all this damage. So try and think hard on what is needed for yourself and your kids.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

Why on earth would you tell your husband that you put somebody else's penis in your mouth? Just leave it alone. And oh by the way, odds are that if your husband isn't giving you what you need you probably aren't giving him what he needs. You said you are a nag. Men hate that. I know I do. Also be honest with yourself. You did this as a means of striking back at your husband. This is probably why deep down you want to tell him. If you absolutely must tell him though then make sure you also tell him that it's ok for him to have another woman perform oral on him. Maybe he will find a woman who doesn't nag him all the time and actually enjoy it. It's only fair.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

If out of that post where I was being raw about our marriage. With all the things he has done to maybe cause me to nag, I'm sure any woman he finds would nag also. So am I really that much of THE problem?

Or is my problem a husband who is unappreciative and entitled to special husband prvilegahes but Doesn't feel the need to return the sweet gestures because "I'm just a Mom"

I didn't do it to get back at him. But maybe for a split second doing what I did that night sounded a lot more entertaining then sitting alone in our bedroom for hours while he hogs up the family room for 8 hours playing Xbox.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

niceguy28 - 

Also please explain to me when its ok to nag. I will give you an example. Its a Saturday morning, I'm up at 530 with the kids as usual. He sleeps till about 9 or 10. Wakes up, eats, plays his game..I go to the store to buy groceries for the family. Come back about 1.5 hours later, unload everything, put it all away, sit down on the couch and realize your son has a ****ty diaper and your H purposefully left him dirty till I got home cause he doesn't change diapers...

You know my reaction? I nag. If the only chance there is to save my marriage is to ignore all these annoying petty things because I shouldn't nag, then I'm not sure how worth it it is to save..he needs to step up to the plate too 

If I try and get the things I need by giving him EVEN MORE then I already do - then that's just ridiculous

Guess what?! If men actually did the things to make a wife happy and feel good and supported then chances are she wouldn't nag!!


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

TallieMo said:


> Wow you understand exactly. I just want to feel sexy and feminine around him but I cant. Maybe that was my one giant red flag and I missed it.
> 
> I'm sorry your marriage failed..how did you find out she was actually gay ?


She was distant, working late hours and always on her phone. We were like roommates. I got fed up, saw her computer open, read her email and she was stealing kisses in the backroom with Chrissy. I had to double check, cause you know, androgynous name and all. I was floored. Also, the lame "stealing kisses" made me sick to my stomach as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@TallieMo I'm not a fan of endorsing divorce, but this man is clearly not interested in participating in this marriage. I'm still wondering why you are hanging on to this? Not only is he neglecting you, but it sounds like he's not paying attention to the kids also. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Hes gay!

don't tell him anything about the bj. Just tell him you can't be married to a gay man that you never got over him trolling for gay men on craigs list. tell him lets be amicable through the divorce for the kids sake.

get your ducks in a row. call a lawyer get important paper work gathered . be the best mom you can be. no more bj's for your friend until you file for divorce.

good luck.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why would you confess something you don't feel guilty about? You feel absolutely justified and without any guilt, you are likely to give someone else one or more in the future. If you feel no remorse the only reason you'd tell him at this point is that you wish to point out to your husband how unhappy he makes you so he will adjust fire. Problem with that plan is he might be more unhappy than you and this BS story might send him straight to a lawyer for divorce papers. You two have three kids. What serves their interests best? An intact home or a broken home where their income is cut in half and they rarely spend time with one of their parents? Is it in their best interest that their real dad lives elsewhere while some other guy who may not even like them lives in their home? Husband deserves to know but those kids deserve both parents. Your husband chose you and if he chose someone who cheats, that's partly his fault. Your kids didn't choose either of you. They will suffer the most if the marriage fails. I'd take that secret to the grave or at least until those kids were adults.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Your husband secretly HID his sexual orientation.. this explains why you are so miserable and can't get him excited.. no amount of therapy is going to change this.... we are wired a certain way..and it remains.. 

It's unfortunate that you stepped out.. but seriously...martial situations like this would feel like crawling in the desert thirsting for a cup of water if you are a high driving woman wanting passion.. Had you had a normal happening fulfilling sex life.. none of this would have happened...Not trying to make excuses.. but you've been dealt a pretty lousy hand here.. sounds he's a selfish lover, all about him.. You should have worked this out long before this and severed it.. 

I'd be honest about what you did.. and end this marraige... encourage him to come out & be what he is..


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

This might be a bit of a thread jack but what really got my attention was this quote:

"So I gave him oral and loved it. He was so responsive and passionate about it..talking dirty and getting involved. I don't feel guilty about it."

Note to self and other guys take notice, women like it when you get passionate and interact while getting a BJ. I never used to do this. I was very reserved and just sat there like a stone. Now I really get into getting a BJ and my wife really responds positively to this.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

TallieMo said:


> Yes I have considered and I totally get why you have the impression you do. I was soaring the details of my life story but I guess I can get a bit deeper.
> 
> He did **** up in the past when I before this haven't. First time we were dating, with his ex gf he broke up with me for her. I forgave him. Second time he posted a non successful Craig's list ad looking for gay sex while I was at work. Claimed it was fantasizing , and claimed he had no interest in really doing it. I forgave him.
> 
> ...


A couple things stand out to me...

1)"Second time he posted a non successful Craig's list ad looking for gay sex while I was at work. Claimed it was fantasizing , and claimed he had no interest in really doing it."

My guess is that he is gay and no longer is attracted to you. But stays because he is committed, although miserably to you/family.

2)"We argue in the slightest and I'm a b word, worthless, I should get cancer, no one likes me, ect.."

Why would you stay with someone who treats you so poorly and wishes such horrible illness on you?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

End this sorry marriage where he posts sex ads and you cheat.

What a waste of time. There is more to life than living miserably and violating one's core values.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

Simple, fear. I keep trying because I don't want our family to break up out of fear. My parents lived miserably together for 16 years. It was awful, I wish they had split up much sooner to be honest. My father went overseas when I was 10 and I never saw him in person again or even a picture. I was left with a woman who was bitter, mean - would embarrass me alot by making fun of me in subtle ways. Like when she was annoyed and wanted us in the room she would saw 'Get your fat ass in here!' I used to be a little chubby when i was a kid. She used to say i love you all the time but i never felt like she did. And its kind of the same thing with H...he says it everyday but its hard for me to feel it. I'm scared of making the wrong decision but I don't want either of us to live miserably. I am more than willing to work on the things he feels I maybe should stop doing or whatever, but when I try and calmly talk about how I feel he seriously just chalks it up to my being over dramatic, have unrealistic expectations, I'm insecure and should get my own life, ect. So, he doesn't see a problem. The only problem he opens up about is my complaining about the things I don't like. And yes, it does feel exactly like crawling around a dessert trying to get some water.


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## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

llahti said:


> I think you made a huge mistake, this post really disturbs me till no end. Do people not even look at marriage as FOREVER anymore, why is it that the grass is always greener on the other side.
> 
> In my opinion you need to be seeking a lawyer for a divorce not on a marriage website. if you in the least little bit felt bad then I could see it but for you to say that you don't even feel bad for cheating on your husband. I am sorry as I said this really disturbed me


It is common for adulterers to feel no remorse, at least at first. They are hooked by the excitement of the affair.


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## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

Is your affair partner married?


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

TallieMo said:


> See! that's something I find myself still trying to ask him. Why post it then? Even think about it? Doesn't it mean that feeling has to be there?
> 
> I never considered that being the reason behind his mean behavior before.


Maybe his mean behavior is his attempt at getting you to leave the marriage? Just a thought.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> @TallieMo I'm not a fan of endorsing divorce, but this man is clearly not interested in participating in this marriage. I'm still wondering why you are hanging on to this? Not only is he neglecting you, but it sounds like he's not paying attention to the kids also.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk



I would much rather him be more open to doing and saying the little things. Just a little bit of intimacy. I didn't get it much growing up and i often feel the way i did in my house when I was a kid. Just awkward and out of place. I love him and I believe he does love me, there's just something not right with his behavior by being very mean sometimes and extremely selfish. He blocks us out a lot and its disturbing. But i struggle with knowing for sure if its worth changing our lives. Starting a new chapter sounds nice but it would hurt for my kids to not have him here everyday.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

TallieMo said:


> Yes I have considered and I totally get why you have the impression you do. I was soaring the details of my life story but I guess I can get a bit deeper.
> 
> He did **** up in the past when I before this haven't. First time we were dating, with his ex gf he broke up with me for her. I forgave him. Second time he posted a non successful Craig's list ad looking for gay sex while I was at work. Claimed it was fantasizing , and claimed he had no interest in really doing it. I forgave him.
> 
> ...


You remind me of @LosingHim. I actually wish she would lose him. I think she would be much better off. 

Ditto for you, sweetheart.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I think a lot of people are missing the point that @TallieMo is pretty damaged. Bad childhood, likely gay husband that ignores, lots of self esteem issues. Obviously what she did is bad, but is worse if you continue the charade. Divorce before sexual contact with someone else. But, if you do it, don't pretend in a marriage. That is not good for you, him or your kids. You even said it yourself, it sucked your parents stayed together. Don't give that life to your kids. It won't be easy, but it will be easier than if you stay together. And imagine all the Ds you can S when they are with him (just making a joke).


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

I would not consider this man my affair partner. I have no plans for it to be ongoing.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@TallieMo your lack of affection growing up, has made you emotional craving imitacy & physical affection. 
You are perhaps coming across to your husband as negatively needy. 
You & your husband are in a deadlock. 
You are pushing/nagging/begging & he is pulling away.
Sometimes we have to fix ourselves before we can fix our marriages. 
You need to learn to be more secure with your self-esteem. 
It will help your kids in the the future to have a confident mother. 


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

TallioeHo

The problem is that you say you have no intention of this continuing with the BJ guy. But also that you LOVED IT, YOU DO NOT FEEL GUILTY, AND THAT OTHER MEN ARE TURNING YOU ON A LOT.

None of the three things in bold would indicate that you will not do it again or find another Om if your husband does not step up to the plate or if you two do not get into some therapy.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

jld said:


> You remind me of @LosingHim. I actually wish she would lose him. I think she would be much better off.
> 
> Ditto for you, sweetheart.


Thank you so much for tagging her. Similarities for sure, I'm going to read what she has to say as well.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@straightshooter while I agree with you, the reason she probably didn't feel guilty with the other man, is because she received attention & affection from OM. 
Her husband is cold & harsh towards her. 
She's starving for love. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> TallioeHo
> 
> The problem is that you say you have no intention of this continuing with the BJ guy. But also that you LOVED IT, YOU DO NOT FEEL GUILTY, AND THAT OTHER MEN ARE TURNING YOU ON A LOT.
> 
> None of the three things in bold would indicate that you will not do it again or find another Om if your husband does not step up to the plate or if you two do not get into some therapy.


Ok? Exactly. I've never said otherwise. I am here because I am trying to figure out my marriage. What I should do -- if this is worth even trying one more day for -- why hes such a ********* -- am I the worthless, stupid, waste of space he sometimes likes me to think ? Is saying I love you enough or have i just been lied to? I would be lying if I said I felt bad because I don't. I've been trying for a long time to even get him to HEAR me. Why should I care? Lets be honest. Who knows if it will happen again? It took 6 years, 3 kids, and a ton of BS for it to happen the first time.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

Herschel said:


> I think a lot of people are missing the point that @TallieMo is pretty damaged. Bad childhood, likely gay husband that ignores, lots of self esteem issues. Obviously what she did is bad, but is worse if you continue the charade. Divorce before sexual contact with someone else. But, if you do it, don't pretend in a marriage. That is not good for you, him or your kids. You even said it yourself, it sucked your parents stayed together. Don't give that life to your kids. It won't be easy, but it will be easier than if you stay together. And imagine all the Ds you can S when they are with him (just making a joke).


lol thank you


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> @TallieMo your lack of affection growing up, has made you emotional craving imitacy & physical affection.
> You are perhaps coming across to your husband as negatively needy.
> You & your husband are in a deadlock.
> You are pushing/nagging/begging & he is pulling away.
> ...


You are so spot on MrsAldi thank you. I completely agree with you and since I've been trying and focusing more on myself it has helped all around.


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## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

As to your original questions, there are several different programs for marriage reconciliation. Sometimes as part of the process, you come clean. Other programs recommend keeping it to yourself.

The bigger question is whether you should try to save your marriage, and if so what to do about it. Many people have mentioned his gay CL ad. This is not a normal behavior for a straight, married guy. If he is doing this outside of marriage, I suspect he might be putting you at risk for STD's. His excuse for doing it is lame.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@TallieMo I don't know how to post links, as I'm only here less than a month! 
Try Google, type in lack of intimacy in marriage & self-esteem building. 
I was begging my husband before, because of my being needy. 
But I had to work on me first, and things are improving for us. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> @TallieMo I'm sorry but sounds like he may be hiding in the closet. Straight men don't put ads up for "just fancy gay"
> This explains his moods & terrible treatment.
> You should consider talking with him about coming out (in a nice way) for your children's sake.
> And file for divorce & find yourself a straight man.
> ...


She's right. There are things he is not telling you. He is not opening to you. You don't know him. You have lost your affection for him or you would feel bad about the BJ.

Fix it or move on. If he won't be open with you, then you can't fix it. And if you expect him to be open to you, then how can you NOT tell him your secrets as well.


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## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

I would not tell H there is nothing good that will come out of it. Have you take to H about marriage counseling?


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

First off you need to find out for sure if he is in fact gay. It is serious "sit down and talk time". If he is, I don't see how this can be saved, you'll never get what you want out of marriage with a frustrated gay man. He will continue to frustrate you and himself, and blame you for his frustration and resentment (as much as that blame could be misplaced).

I can't envision a straight man trolling craigslist or even looking at gay porn as a fantasy, but maybe it is possible. A woman...sure, but a guy? I wouldn't believe so, but possible I suppose. I just don't know any straight men who fantasize about gay sex, but maybe someone else can chime in if they feel differently. I think a straight woman could do that, but a guy? Eh, don't know about that one.

If he's gay, keep the bj to yourself, divorce, and give both you and him (and the kids) a shot at a happy life. Best avenue I see for keeping the family unit in tact (even after divorce) for the kids. This could work out to be a pretty amicable situation in my mind if handled right. He'd probably be relieved, as would you. You're never going to feel the same way about a man who is fantasizing about putting penises in his own mouth. And you could never feel close or get what you need from a man in a cover marriage.

The more your frustration grows over this, the more wounding you are going to try and inflict on him (even if he doesn't know it is happening). Sooner or later you'll be in a full blown affair, or will blow up at him and the kids will hear or get keyed in on the fact their father is gay...and that is not the way the kids need to discover this if true.

If he's not gay or bi, and just a douche in general, then I think he needs to know about the bj, and you both need counseling asap in order to sort out the marriage and have any shot at making it work. Sometimes something like this can be the bomb in the bad marriage that blows it up before starting on a new one.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

TallieMo said:


> Ok? Exactly. I've never said otherwise. I am here because I am trying to figure out my marriage. What I should do -- if this is worth even trying one more day for -- why hes such a ********* -- am I the worthless, stupid, waste of space he sometimes likes me to think ? Is saying I love you enough or have i just been lied to? I would be lying if I said I felt bad because I don't. I've been trying for a long time to even get him to HEAR me. Why should I care? Lets be honest. Who knows if it will happen again? It took 6 years, 3 kids, and a ton of BS for it to happen the first time.


Look... you cheated. I don't care if your husband is the biggest assclown on the planet. He didn't deserve for you to do that. He's a jerk, we get it. He's probably closet gay or he just is not attracted to you. He gets verbally nasty with you and short tempered with you...okay we got that. 

Still, he didn't deserve you going out and sucking another guy off. 

If you are unhappy with thje marriage you have four choices as I see it.

1) Admit what you did and work on the marriage.

2) Work on the marriage, don't admit what you did, and deal with the ramifications down the road WHEN he does find out...because he will. The truth always rises to the top like a turd in a toilet bowl. 

3) Admit what you did and ask your husband for a divorce, because it is obvious you no longer love or respect him. You would not have done what you did had you still respected him. By admitting what you did and taking responsibility for it, you will at least show him you have a tinge of regret. 

4) Ask for a divorce but don't tell him. But again, he will find out down the road. After the divorce you can have all the hot sex you want with all the jerk users you want.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think hes gay and the fact that hes gay and still married a woman also means he deserves his wife sucking someone else's d!ck.

if he finds out now or later makes no difference. his actions or inactions destroyed a whole family.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how the mother of three children under the age of 6 has time for an affair. I hate to say it but, But I'm impressed. 
Sorry for the situation you are in. It is sad that it has gotten even worse by your actions. You have a lot of work to do, and some pretty rough times ahead of you.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

mravg2u said:


> I would not tell H there is nothing good that will come out of it. Have you take to H about marriage counseling?


If she wishes to stay in the marriage, she needs to tell him. These things have a way of coming out (just ask my W if you don't believe that. She got the same advice only to be outed a year later), and the fallout from not only the betrayal, but the huge violation of trust that is felt after finding out from another source is damn near unworkable. Only chance (if she wants to stay in the marriage) to salvage any kind of trust is to come clean and show true regret and remorse. On the other hand, she says she has none, so maybe this is not salvageable at all. That is a horrendously bad sign.

Her coming out to him about the bj could be the wake up call he needs to understand how dire the situation is, and a serious wake up call....and a springboard to repairing things and a new marriage. Or even the possibility of an open marriage or co-parenting live in situation for the kids.

I've just been through this. Had I heard it from her (instead of another source a year after the fact), things would probably be going much better....at least in my ability to trust her. I can personally forgive a one off indiscretion, and have. The fracturing of the trust by not telling me about it is something I don't know I'll get past, and will have consequences for our marriage for some time to come.

I was mostly of the opinion before that a one off, one time slip up was best left buried. I now feel differently. Not being able to trust someone is a horrible way to live, and is harder in my mind to overcome than the actual physical act which took place.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

A few random thoughts:

1) LOL at another poster who thinks getting a mouth full of cum is no big deal but intercourse is.

2) Why don't you find a bisexual man then you and hubby can suck his wiener together? Maybe it'll help you rekindle the love?

Srs.... You're a remorseless cheat and your hubby is gay. Why don't you stop wasting each other's time and get the fvcking divorce already?!? There's no other option here and one of you needs to stop being a coward and go to the court house. Hopefully, it'll be you.


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## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

donny64 said:


> If she wishes to stay in the marriage, she needs to tell him. These things have a way of coming out (just ask my W if you don't believe that. She got the same advice only to be outed a year later), and the fallout from not only the betrayal, but the huge violation of trust that is felt after finding out from another source is damn near unworkable. Only chance (if she wants to stay in the marriage) to salvage any kind of trust is to come clean and show true regret and remorse. On the other hand, she says she has none, so maybe this is not salvageable at all. That is a horrendously bad sign.
> 
> Her coming out to him about the bj could be the wake up call he needs to understand how dire the situation is, and a serious wake up call....and a springboard to repairing things and a new marriage. Or even the possibility of an open marriage or co-parenting live in situation for the kids.
> 
> ...


I do not think it matters either way my wife was unfaithful it hurts no matter what. Telling him just dumps her guilt on him. The trust will take years if he ever finds out what ever way it may happen if at all. If they seek council and she does not tell and he never finds out from someone else it may ruin a chance at a happy marriage. They already have problems if he does not want to have sex with her as much as she desires. 

Who knows maybe he is no longer in love with her. Sorry I never feel telling is a good idea unless you are in with a councilor.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

TallieHo

All of us "experts" here have no ****ing idea if your husband is gay, bisexual, or asexual. It is all projection, and you probably have a better idea of that than we do.

What is clear here is that there are serious issues in your relationship that are going to get worse if vthe status quo remains intact. And let's say I agree he is being a jerk.

I am not sure about the financial status of you two but one good reason for you to sort this out like an intelligent person is on your present glide slope you next stop will be a cheaters website or random hook ups with strangers or friends.

You had such a good time it seems pretty unlikely that guilt is going to stop you in the future. When you get caught, and you will, the choices may very well be taken out of your hands in an unpleasant manner and you may find yourself with more trouble than you have now.

Either get divorced or get to therapy.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

I get what you're saying but are you trying to be funny by writing TallieHo? It happened once before too.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

@TallileMo

You're not satisfied with your husband and your sex life, and he's gay. You enjoyed giving a blow job to another man and you don't feel guilty about it although you know it's not right. 

The obvious solution is that you get involved with threesomes with another guy and you BOTH give blowjobs.

It's win/win

Wait it's win/win/win


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## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

Mclane said:


> @TallileMo
> 
> You're not satisfied with your husband and your sex life, and he's gay. You enjoyed giving a blow job to another man and you don't feel guilty about it although you know it's not right.
> 
> ...


I don't know if this post was intended to be sarcastic or not, but regardless it is BRILLIANT.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

mravg2u said:


> I do not think it matters either way my wife was unfaithful it hurts no matter what. Telling him just dumps her guilt on him. The trust will take years if he ever finds out what ever way it may happen if at all. If they seek council and she does not tell and he never finds out from someone else it may ruin a chance at a happy marriage. They already have problems if he does not want to have sex with her as much as she desires.
> 
> Who knows maybe he is no longer in love with her. Sorry I never feel telling is a good idea unless you are in with a councilor.



Here's a problem with that. The guy she blew off is a friend of her sisters. If she thinks there isn't a very high likelihood of this coming out eventually, she's dreaming.

I can only speak from my own perspective as for the trust thing. Had my W not listened to the advice she received from friends the next day that "it will only hurt him, it was nothing, and nobody knows...what good can come of it?" and instead came to me the next morning, crying, blowing snot bubbles, and clearly remorseful, it would have done a great deal to salvage some trust. It would show integrity. It would show she felt within herself the desire to own up to a mistake, not lying, and the maintaining of my trust was more important than covering it up and burying it under the carpet. Yeah, it still would have sucked at the time. Not as much as it sucked finding out a year later, but at least I'd of been able to have reason to believe she had integrity and was deserving of some level of trust. She now has none. Zero. I have no confidence she would ever come to me if she again "screwed up" and "made a mistake". And that thought sucks and will stick with me for a long time, until she proves differently.

She rolled the dice on a pretty good gamble (that I'd never find out...I mean the chances were truly small), but still came up snake eyes. With the OP on this thread, she is playing against really bad odds. A family member knows about her blowing off a friend of the family? Good lord...them's some pretty crappy odds.

I'm already pretty well over the physical aspect of it. The trust thing will take years to rebuild...if ever. 

Only way I feel she should not tell, is if he is a physically abusive man and would harm her over the confession. And in that case she needs to be gone anyway, and any confession will mean nothing.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

TallieMo said:


> Is it really a good idea to tell my H or should I just keep it a secret and chalk it up to a little fun?
> We do have 3 kids


Odd. You are miserable for the last 3 years of your marriage, and the first time you want to talk him about it is to rub adultery in his face. Nice.

Do not tell him. Just leave and tell him exactly what pushed you away. Give him his life back without having to know he kissed you after another man's jizz was in your mouth. He can start over. And you telling him what he did wrong will fix him for his next wife. 

I don't give a crap about you. Set your husband free.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Capster said:


> I don't know if this post was intended to be sarcastic or not


I don't either, and I'm the one who posted it.

I think I started off being sarcastic and as I typed I found myself nodding my head at what a great idea I came up with.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

You have no guilt at all? Not even guilt for going against what should be your morals and character?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

hmmm so not feeling guilty about it makes it ok? What kept you from going all the way? Looks like you'll be back for more. Tell your husband ... why should he know about this? I'll stop right here.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

Yes I have guilt because I wasn't that person. If things were different I still wouldn't have done what I did. The reason why I can't lie to myself and pretend to feel guilty is because honestly all bs aside I lost a lot of respect for him when he told me to kill myself because my kids don't need me. Like who says that to someone they claim they love? I shouldn't have done it and it was wrong but you could only truly feel bad for such mistake if the spouse treats your spirit right.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

TallieMo said:


> Yes I have guilt because I wasn't that person. If things were different I still wouldn't have done what I did. The reason why I can't lie to myself and pretend to feel guilty is because honestly all bs aside I lost a lot of respect for him when he told me to kill myself because my kids don't need me. L


Wait he told you to go kill yourself because the kids don't need you?

Blow without guilt.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

This OM for a year and some time before this event has always treated me kindly in his presence. Complimented me on different things, looked me in the face when I spoke, engaged in coversation - I acted impulsive and did something I shouldn't. I don't see a future with OM and I don't want it to be anything. I didn't take it further by choice.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

He has said that around 4-5 times in our 4 years of parenting. I know it may sound to I'm making this stuff up to excuse myself and my actions but unfourtanetly I am not. And this has been the best outlet for me with both the negative and positive comments.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

Line of the day. 



Mr. Nail said:


> I'm sitting here trying to figure out how the mother of three children under the age of 6 has time for an affair. I hate to say it but, But I'm impressed.


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## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

So you've got a gay husband with anger issues who verbally degrades you. So just what exactly are you trying to save?


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

If a Mommy can never find a way to go somewhere alone then I feel bad for them


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

My family! I want us to stay together and grow old. Raise our kids through college, babysit grandkids together, do fun activities together (which right now is no happening) and have fun together. But he isn't willing to listen when I try and tell him he's here But not "here". There is nothing he will open up about. We only get along if I have 0 wishes and do everything the way he wants and not expect anything he doesn't want to give. Its hard feeling lonely when you're married. If he can meet me half way I would love to save our family.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Look, my husband can be a real putz too. I mean, he’s never told me to kill myself or called me a b*tch, but he had his own 10 year EA, he’s emotionally distant, doesn’t give a lot of affection, expects me to take care of most everything, etc. He still didn’t deserve to be cheated on.

If you’re that unhappy, you should’ve just left, not cheated. I’m pretty surprised there are people here defending you cheating for any reason. 

What do you want out of this?


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## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

donny64 said:


> Here's a problem with that. The guy she blew off is a friend of her sisters. If she thinks there isn't a very high likelihood of this coming out eventually, she's dreaming.
> 
> I can only speak from my own perspective as for the trust thing. Had my W not listened to the advice she received from friends the next day that "it will only hurt him, it was nothing, and nobody knows...what good can come of it?" and instead came to me the next morning, crying, blowing snot bubbles, and clearly remorseful, it would have done a great deal to salvage some trust. It would show integrity. It would show she felt within herself the desire to own up to a mistake, not lying, and the maintaining of my trust was more important than covering it up and burying it under the carpet. Yeah, it still would have sucked at the time. Not as much as it sucked finding out a year later, but at least I'd of been able to have reason to believe she had integrity and was deserving of some level of trust. She now has none. Zero. I have no confidence she would ever come to me if she again "screwed up" and "made a mistake". And that thought sucks and will stick with me for a long time, until she proves differently.
> 
> ...


The trust is broken badly no matter how you find out. You are assuming she would have told you in a very remorseful way. If she did I could see your point. But what would happen if she told you with little or no remorse? You like the OP had/have problems with your marriage that is the fundamental problem. 

What if she told you during a fight or it slipped out during some talk you might be having, would that be better?

Now say you never found out and you worked on your marriage and things were all good. Say she knew it was wrong never did it again and in her own way did things special for you to atone for her actions. Still never saying a thing her own hell of guilt.

10 to 20 years pass life has been good to you both with a very happy marriage. Now are going to tell me it was better that she told you?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

TallieMo said:


> Yes I have guilt because I wasn't that person. If things were different I still wouldn't have done what I did. The reason why I can't lie to myself and pretend to feel guilty is because honestly all bs aside* I lost a lot of respect for him when he told me to kill myself because my kids don't need me. *Like who says that to someone they claim they love? I shouldn't have done it and it was wrong but you could only truly feel bad for such mistake if the spouse treats your spirit right.


It sounds like he divorced you right then.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

TallieMo said:


> My family! I want us to stay together and grow old. Raise our kids through college, babysit grandkids together, do fun activities together (which right now is no happening) and have fun together. But he isn't willing to listen when I try and tell him he's here But not "here". There is nothing he will open up about. We only get along if I have 0 wishes and do everything the way he wants and not expect anything he doesn't want to give. Its hard feeling lonely when you're married. If he can meet me half way I would love to save our family.


Then maybe telling him what's happened would be the wake-up call he needs.

If not - its time to pack up and go.


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## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

Capster said:


> So you've got a gay husband with anger issues who verbally degrades you. So just what exactly are you trying to save?


You are assuming a lot that he is gay. What if there are health or other issues for his low libido. Maybe is LD with health issues. Just because he is LD with his wife does not make him gay.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

mravg2u said:


> You are assuming a lot that he is gay. What if there are health or other issues for his low libido. Maybe is LD with health issues. Just because he is LD with his wife does not make him gay.


He posted an ad on craiglist trolling for gay sex. I'm pretty sure that's why everyone thinks he's gay.


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## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

mravg2u said:


> You are assuming a lot that he is gay. What if there are health or other issues for his low libido. Maybe is LD with health issues. Just because he is LD with his wife does not make him gay.


He had a gay ad on Craigslist.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

@mravg2u



TallieMo said:


> Yes I have considered and I totally get why you have the impression you do. I was soaring the details of my life story but I guess I can get a bit deeper.
> 
> He did **** up in the past when I before this haven't. First time we were dating, with his ex gf he broke up with me for her. I forgave him. Second time* he posted a non successful Craig's list ad looking for gay sex while I was at work.* Claimed it was fantasizing , and claimed he had no interest in really doing it. I forgave him.
> 
> ...


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## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

TallieMo said:


> H and I have been together 6 years married for 3. I would say the first 3 were ok. We argued now and then but he was still playful and sweet, surprised me, was affectionate but then those things became less and less frequent. We are still young, me 25 him 31 but now due to his decision we average sex maybe once a week if that. I've tried talking about it, trying harder, switching it up nothing works. He always just claims he's too tired to talk, have sex, cuddle whatever. He just asks for massages and never returns the favor. I don't get it!
> 
> Then it started to get ugly. I started to become attracted to other men again. I see sexy guys everywhere now and it boosts my ego every time someone checks me out because H never compliments me. Months go by.
> 
> ...


Tell him you want both of you to see a marriage councilor and be forceful about it. If he will not see one for yourself. There are so many thing it could be. From a old man who has been where you are it is the best option


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## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

Capster said:


> He had a gay ad on Craigslist.


He could be bisexual, and wants to have both worlds


jld said:


> @mravg2u


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Okay so he's gay. He lied to her. He married her under false pretenses. That still does not give her sway to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Okay so he's gay. He lied to her. He married her under false pretenses. That still does not give her sway to cheat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Being a bisexual is not the same as being gay. Think of it this way. He and his wife both like giving bj's. 

Seriously when people are so homophobic that a man or woman can like both sexs they are not gay. There are people who like both sex with men and women


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## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

mravg2u said:


> Being a bisexual is not the same as being gay. Think of it this way. He and his wife both like giving bj's.
> 
> Seriously when people are so homophobic that a man or woman can like both sexs they are not gay. There are people who like both sex with men and women


WTF is the difference to her? Anyway, the definition of gay is someone who "exhibiting sexual desire or behavior directed toward a person or persons of one's own sex." He's gay.


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## mravg2u (Apr 27, 2016)

Capster said:


> WTF is the difference to her? Anyway, the definition of gay is someone who "exhibiting sexual desire or behavior directed toward a person or persons of one's own sex." He's gay.


Cap read the definition of bisexual. Main thing they need is council above everything else if she wants to save the marriage u


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Capster said:


> WTF is the difference to her? Anyway, the definition of gay is someone who "exhibiting sexual desire or behavior directed toward a person or persons of one's own sex." He's gay.


The difference between a guy being bisexual versus gay is twice the chances of getting a date on a Saturday night.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

mravg2u said:


> The trust is broken badly no matter how you find out. You are assuming she would have told you in a very remorseful way. If she did I could see your point. But what would happen if she told you with little or no remorse? You like the OP had/have problems with your marriage that is the fundamental problem.
> 
> What if she told you during a fight or it slipped out during some talk you might be having, would that be better?
> 
> ...


Nope...not what I'm saying at all. Were it never to repeat, it was a one off stupid drunken thing, then of course I wouldn't want to know. Point is I DID FIND OUT. And the chances of that ever happening were slim to none. Now, the OP on this thread has a very real chance of being discovered. BJ on a friend of the family? This isn't coming out eventually? It likely is.

As for my W, she is a compartmentalizer. She locked that crap away in a box in her brain and sealed it up. But I know it was affecting her and us negatively as the guilt ate at her. Or at least I believe that based on her overall demeanor and that of our marriage in the months that followed. We'd both of had a much better last year had she come clean the next morning. No doubt in my mind about that.

Other people may be different, but I don't believe that the betrayer gets to make that unilateral decision for someone else. If there is zero chance the BS finds out, the WS makes every effort to secretly make amends, makes sure it never happens again, it doesn't eat at the WS in such a way to damage the relationship, and the BS was not exposed to possible STD's....then I concede. But that is A LOT of "ifs".


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

mravg2u said:


> Being a bisexual is not the same as being gay. Think of it this way. He and his wife both like giving bj's.
> 
> Seriously when people are so homophobic that a man or woman can like both sexs they are not gay. There are people who like both sex with men and women


Blah blah blah

This "difference" of which you speak will amount to roughly nothing to someone who has just discovered that his or her spouse has been not only lying about his or her sexuality, but has also taken steps toward acting on previously undisclosed desires.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Mclane said:


> The difference between a guy being bisexual versus gay is twice the chances of getting a date on a Saturday night.


A friend of mine who happens to be a lesbian says the only word you can use to explain someone who is bisexual is greedy. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

I'm glad some people can bring a little humor here haha.

But seriously it's so great hearing everyone's opinions on my dilemma. I just don't know what is going to happen. As much as I want to be 100% on board with staying together for just having kids I'm not. I believe in giving your heart to be a mom but we only have one life to live. Everyone deserves the right to share that with someone that brings joy. So I struggle with it. I feel I shouldn't mention it until I can sort out everything and figure out if I am completely justified in splitting up our family and changing our lives.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

I hate to give so many details but there were other things that were "off" to me even after te CL AD. For a while he was wanting anal play, on me but he also bought a strap on for him. I did it because he liked it I guess. When we watched porn he would get off to the BJ scenes. He also admitted once to be willing to 'try' another man but then quickly changed his mind and said he wouldn't.

I guess I haven't focused on so much of that because I try not to judge him. But when we argue and I'm called names I tend to lose my cool and talk **** about the past and what he did and if he's gay. I shouldn't and feel bad when I do.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

TallieMo said:


> Oh yes it's all he wants. Its never about me just his pleasure. I always just feel so ugly with him with the no positive comments, affection, ect. On top of missing all of those aspects, he gets mad over petty things and wishes me dead among other stuff.
> 
> Everyone is right. Our marriage is unhealthy, I have crossed that line. The big message was 3 years ago I never would have even considered something like that. Because he tried to be there for me and lift me up not always try and bring me down and suck the life out of me. My actions have made me realize my love for him as dwindled away and I'm not sure the next logical step.


No,this was always within you and nothing your husband did or did not do played any part. It was bound to happen.
Just accept that this is who you are,tell your husband and move on.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

I have little doubt that sexual desires changed based on the material that one reads/watches. Could well be that he has moved down this path such that now it is his reality.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

TallieMo said:


> But when we argue and I'm called names I tend to lose my cool and talk **** about the past and what he did and if he's gay. I shouldn't and feel bad when I do.


Well that's not going to solve whatever it is you're arguing about, but I'm sure you know this.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Tortdog said:


> I have little doubt that sexual desires changed based on the material that one reads/watches. Could well be that he has moved down this path such that now it is his reality.


You're suggesting that if a heterosexual male watches lots of blowjob movies he's going to want to give blow jobs?

Damn I hope you're wrong on that one, I've got tons of BJ videos on my computer and my girlfriend would be mortified to read your post.


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## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

Mclane said:


> Damn I hope you're wrong on that one, I've got tons of BJ videos on my computer and my girlfriend would be mortified to read your post.


Depends on which person you are focused on.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Capster said:


> Depends on which person you are focused on.


True.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Mclane said:


> You're suggesting that if a heterosexual male watches lots of blowjob movies he's going to want to give blow jobs?
> 
> Damn I hope you're wrong on that one, I've got tons of BJ videos on my computer and my girlfriend would be mortified to read your post.


And mortified to read yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

How old are you and your husband?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

TallieMo said:


> *H and I have been together 6 years married for 3. *I would say the first 3 were ok. We argued now and then but he was still playful and sweet, surprised me, was affectionate but then those things became less and less frequent. *We are still young, me 25 him 31 *but now due to his decision we average sex maybe once a week if that.


 @bandit.45 There you go


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

DON"T tell him and NEVER do it again.Cur all contact with the guy. You need to get some counseling. You will gain nothing from telling him but grief. You do need to get some counseling though. Go on your own first and then try and get him to come with you. Living in a sexually incompatible marriage is very difficult.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

Yep I'm 25 and he's 31..


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

I have never tried therapy but I do feel i/we need it more then ever. He probably won't be open to going since he says there are no problems but I'm going to try and convince him! Serious talk later I hope.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

TallieMo said:


> I hate to give so many details but there were other things that were "off" to me even after te CL AD. For a while he was wanting anal play, on me but he also bought a strap on for him. I did it because he liked it I guess. When we watched porn he would get off to the BJ scenes. He also admitted once to be willing to 'try' another man but then quickly changed his mind and said he wouldn't.
> 
> I guess I haven't focused on so much of that because I try not to judge him. But when we argue and I'm called names I tend to lose my cool and talk **** about the past and what he did and if he's gay. I shouldn't and feel bad when I do.


 @TallieMo wow if Mr Aldi suggested this things, there would be a Mrs Aldi shape hole in the wall. I'd be gone running to the nearest straight man! Which is what you did & I don't blame you. Staying together for the kids I just wouldn't be able to do it. I admire you for staying with this man. I hope things do work out for you. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> @TallieMo wow if Mr Aldi suggested this things, there would be a Mrs Aldi shape hole in the wall.


I totally get it but I'd suggest using the door.

Much less painful.

Also you could be held liable for property damage. And if you hit a wall stud you wouldn't make it past the sheetrock.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@Mclane knowing my luck the wall would be fine, I'd be in a heap on the ground. Don't run fast into walls! 
Unless you're Batman or The Hulk.

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Why was I thinking when I read the title that a guy started this post?


Yeah me too! Funny thing is … I still do!


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

Mrs. Aldi you crack me up!! lol I'm starting to think maybe I've left too many things unquestioned.

To whoever they said they think a man started this post...Why are you so confused? 

What should have the title been? I gave someone else (aka another man ) a BJ?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

TallieMo, 

Spelled it right this time.

*when he told me to kill myself because my kids don't need me. Like who says that to someone they claim they love?* 

That is over the top. just my opinion. but back to the issue.

Just read about the "anal play" and strap on he wanted done. i could be wrong but the second part of that, him wanting you to do him, seems to indicate a bi tendency that he is not dealing with too well and you are bearing the brunt of it.

Your marriage is in a state right now that at its current pace it is not going to last anyway. before you cheat again, you should just lay it all out, tell him what you did, tell him why you did it, and tell him what you need done to fix it. 

Yup, he may walk on you. I doubt it. 

The current situation is going to result in you doing it and more again because right this second you feel entitled. Eventually it is all going to come out. if you had resolved anything between you maybe it could fade and go away but it will not.

deal with it and if it does not work out you are young and so is he.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

TallieMo said:


> Yep I'm 25 and he's 31..


Pfffffffthhht.........You're a baby. Cheating is a bad habit to develop. If you get a taste for it now you will continue to do it and be worthless as a viable mate for any man. Make a choice: either be monogamous and find a man with whom you are compatible, or fly your freak flag and embark on a sexually free life with a succession of lovers. Nothing wrong with that if that is what your heart desires...but just be honest with yourself about what you want. Then commit to it. 

If you fancy marriage, then divorce your bi/gay/queer/sexually confused husband and find a new husband who rocks your world and with whom you can be the wife you want to be. Let your husband go find a husband. 

Oh...and stop cheating.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> TallieMo,
> 
> Spelled it right this time.
> 
> ...


Thank you all of that is a little bit reassuring and makes sense to me. What makes you doubt he will leave me over it? Although I find myself now thinking like even if he did leave there are so many doubts that it might not matter as much as I like to hope it would.

I should probably mention I am a stay at home mom. That's kind of the one up he has, meaning I have some preparing to do.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

How old are the children?


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> TallieMo said:
> 
> 
> > Yep I'm 25 and he's 31..
> ...


Believe me with twins and a 4 year old I certainly don't feel like it! lol As much as I like to be sexually freaky and make things fun, I still want a husband! Of course. I'm sure the issue is just compatibility. 

Why am I so in denial over these being clear cut signs he's bi or gay. If it were anyone else's story Id be like yeah wtf. But because its my husband I have a hard time accepting this might be real.

I think it is all about finding the one who you can be yourself with so thank you.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

jld said:


> how old are the children?


3,3 & 4


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

TallieMo said:


> 3,3 & 4


Do you have any work experience? What would be your chances of being able to get a family-supporting job?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

TallieMo said:


> Believe me with twins and a 4 year old I certainly don't feel like it! lol As much as I like to be sexually freaky and make things fun, I still want a husband! Of course. I'm sure the issue is just compatibility.
> 
> Why am I so in denial over these being clear cut signs he's bi or gay. If it were anyone else's story Id be like yeah wtf. But because its my husband I have a hard time accepting this might be real.
> 
> I think it is all about finding the one who you can be yourself with so thank you.


Ahem....

Your husband is not an old guy. He's 35, and if he is healthy, and if you are still in good shape and still desirable, he should be bending you over the couch every chance he can when the kids aren't around. The fact that he is not is indicative of only a few things...

He is no longer attracted to you...

or

He doesn't trust you...

or

He has health issues that are reducing his libido....

or

He prefers dudes...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

TallieMo said:


> Why am I so in denial over these being clear cut signs he's bi or gay. If it were anyone else's story Id be like yeah wtf. But because its my husband I have a hard time accepting this might be real.


I am sure it would be shocking to find this out about one's spouse. You thought you knew him, but clearly you did not.



> I think *it is all about finding the one who you can be yourself with* so thank you.


Totally agree.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

jld said:


> TallieMo said:
> 
> 
> > 3,3 & 4
> ...


I'm a licensed bartender in a good size city so I would probably have to start with something like that. I know I can never in anyway depend on CS but he makes a pretty decent living and imagine on top of me having to work he would also help support the kids.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

TallieMo said:


> I'm a licensed bartender in a good size city so I would probably have to start with something like that. I know I can never in anyway depend on CS but he makes a pretty decent living and imagine on top of me having to work he would also help support the kids.


That would take you away from them at night. What would your child care arrangements be, with one scenario being your getting primary custody, and another scenario being 50/50 custody?

You would need to go right by the law, by the way, in determining his child support payments. Do not accept a penny less than what you are entitled to.


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> TallieMo said:
> 
> 
> > Believe me with twins and a 4 year old I certainly don't feel like it! lol As much as I like to be sexually freaky and make things fun, I still want a husband! Of course. I'm sure the issue is just compatibility.
> ...


I have asked him about that. If he's still attracted to me? Of course I'm not as perfect as I was before kids but I like to think I still have it goin on..lol I notice when people find me attractive, I take care of myself and my hygiene, I dress nice with a pinch of sexy of course..I dont know why he wouldn't be attracted to me and if that is the case he should stop being a little db and say it. Don't keep me wondering..

I don't see why he wouldn't trust me but maybe. I imagine he gets tired from work but no health issues. He's only 31 and the dude thing idk. He was a virgin until he met me at 25.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

TallieMo said:


> I have asked him about that. If he's still attracted to me? Of course I'm not as perfect as I was before kids but I like to think I still have it goin on..lol I notice when people find me attractive, I take care of myself and my hygiene, I dress nice with a pinch of sexy of course..I dont know why he wouldn't be attracted to me and if that is the case he should stop being a little db and say it. Don't keep me wondering..
> 
> I don't see why he wouldn't trust me but maybe. I imagine he gets tired from work but no health issues. He's only 31 and the dude thing idk. He was a virgin until he met me at 25.


I would wonder about the virgin thing . . .

He likes guys. You need to move on. You are both young and can find compatible partners. 

Your focus needs to be on the practical reality of being a single mom of 3 young kids. And you sound like a great one, btw.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

TallieMo said:


> I don't see why he wouldn't trust me but maybe.


They say only women have a sixth sense, but some men have it too. He probably senses your disconnect. And he probably is suspicious that you have cheated in the past. 

He's going to find out. It's only a matter of time.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> .If you get a taste for it now you will continue to do it and be worthless as a viable mate


I see what you did there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Herschel said:


> I see what you did there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know I didn't notice that. 

Freudian.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

@Herschel - it was a bit harsh but what did he do exactly ? 

I was shocked and confused about the virgin thing too. Seems impossible in today's world lol

At least before when we had sex he went downtown every now and again. Now it's been over a year and probably over three months since my boobs got any love during sex. I just don't get it. 

Yeah that would be the only bad thing with bartending now. I would of course want more then 50/50 and he get weekends in a perfect world if we did seperate..my only option right now would be to give my youngef childless sister money to stay and babysit at my house till I would get home. My kids go to bed early.

It's just so much to take in right now. Thank you for the compliment @jld


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You have a gay husband who is emotionally and verbally abusive, not intimate, who seems to have no interest in you or your marriage and doesn't make you happy. 

You've already cheated on him and I wouldn't be surprised if he's cheated on you, and you seem to be following in your parents footsteps of being in a miserable and loveless marriage. Why you're holding onto such a ****ty marriage I have no idea. You seem to be trying to convince yourself that things are going to somehow someway magically get better and you'll live happily ever after with this guy.


The writing is on the wall. It's not going to happen. Stop wasting your time and get a divorce before your kids are old enough to start absorbing that **** and you guys **** them up just like your parents did with you. 

Good luck.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

have you stopped all contact with the sleazy OM?

Have you told your husband that your gave him a BJ?

have you been tested for stds? (so your H will not get them as well)

be honest with your H. then if you want your D, file for D, but stop cheating now.

No one deserves that.

Quit stabbing your family in the back.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

TallieMo said:


> @Herschel - it was a bit harsh but what did he do exactly ?
> 
> I was shocked and confused about the virgin thing too. Seems impossible in today's world lol
> 
> ...


Double entendres.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TallieMo (May 5, 2016)

Oh see because H has used the term worthless?


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

Good for you. Have fun


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## SeattleWill (Aug 8, 2018)

A little fun? You cheated on your husband and don’t feel guilty. Divorce the poor guy and go on sucking of random men.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Zombie thread, 2016!!


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## SeattleWill (Aug 8, 2018)

Tortdog said:


> She's right. There are things he is not telling you. He is not opening to you. You don't know him. You have lost your affection for him or you would feel bad about the BJ.
> 
> Fix it or move on. If he won't be open with you, then you can't fix it. And if you expect him to be open to you, then how can you NOT tell him your secrets as well.


Tell the truth. You owe him that. (Actually you owed him fidelity but it’s too late for that).


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## SeattleWill (Aug 8, 2018)

TallieMo said:


> If out of that post where I was being raw about our marriage. With all the things he has done to maybe cause me to nag, I'm sure any woman he finds would nag also. So am I really that much of THE problem?
> 
> Or is my problem a husband who is unappreciative and entitled to special husband prvilegahes but Doesn't feel the need to return the sweet gestures because "I'm just a Mom"
> 
> I didn't do it to get back at him. But maybe for a split second doing what I did that night sounded a lot more entertaining then sitting alone in our bedroom for hours while he hogs up the family room for 8 hours playing Xbox.


You are an unfaithful wife with no remorse who refuses to tell the truth. No, it’s not his fault.


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## SeattleWill (Aug 8, 2018)

Another admission if a little blame, quickly followed by a “but...”). You are way too immature to be married.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SeattleWill, please look at the last date of a post before you respond to threads. Most have been inactive for months if not years.


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