# Boyfriend will make lousy husband?



## dejavu (Jan 22, 2010)

Hello everyone *

I'm a woman in my early twenties, I'm not married but have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. Lately I have been giving a lot of thought to my relationship and I'd be very grateful if I could hear some advice/opinions from you 

So I'll try not to make this very long and dull.

Growing up I was always very skeptical when it came to love and marriage, largely due to the worst example that I had at home from my parents. But in recent years life has treated me very harshly and it made me grow up and start appreciating things I didn't before. My parents had a divorce and it was a horrible experience to go through, but it made me realize how important marriage is in your life. Someday I want to be happily married and I'm sure I'll work hard to be a good wife.
But all of this becomes a problem when I look at my boyfriend.
I love him, it's not that I don't, but I can't see him turning into a good husband. He is very smart, funny and interesting, but very self-centered. He doesn't make sacrifices for other people and is used to having everything he wants (yes, a mamma's boy). Also our relationship was interrupted for quite a long time last year when I found out he was lying to me constantly and keeping close contact with his ex. It was pretty ugly and he treated me quite bad when I found this out (started insulting me and making it all feel like my fault). He has apologized millions of times for this and has committed to being honest about everything with me ever since that episode, and I believe he has been true so far, I'm just not sure he'll keep it that way forever... 
I've come to find he's too much like my dad and that scares me because my dad was a horrible husband. But then I'm afraid I'm being paranoid over my parents' divorce and creating problems that aren't there... Thing is this is really bothering me!
I'm the sort of girl that will really commit to her partner, I know my boyfriend can be selfish but I don't mind, I guess I make it up because I'm the sort of person that always wants to make others happy, I just let him have his way all the time. His personality is not such a problem now but i'm afraid of watching years add up to our relationship and in the end feel he's not the person I want to spend all my days and have kids with.
But then... I'm in love with him.

Do you think I'm overreacting? Do you think it is ok to keep a relationship going for years with a guy you love but don't see yourself married to?

Thanks to everyone that took the patience and time to read this


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## mag000 (Mar 3, 2012)

Yes. your boyfriend will be a lousy husband. You will soon fall out of love because there is nothing to be attracted to. He will get on your nerves very soon. Run away and do not waste time.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

> but I can't see him turning into a good husband.


Turning into? Changing? People don't change just because they sign a dotted line. He is who he is. 

I think some form of counseling would help you with your pain from your parents divorce, and perhaps help you know whether your making decisions true to what you want. 



> Do you think it is ok to keep a relationship going for years with a guy you love but don't see yourself married to?


I don't see that much wrong with it, but it may interfere with you meeting a more compatable partner. And if he asked you to marry what would you say? You don't really want to settle for someone who's just 'alright', you want that special someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved and who you can't imagine living without.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Wow, This is about as simple as it gets.

Run run away! 

He will cheat again. You will get hurt and or fall out of love when his selfish but "lovable" boy charm wears off, and as sure as day follows night, it will.

Please don't view this as cynicism, but this only seems complicated because you are too young.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I'm a firm believer in change in a person. If there were consequences for his cheating and it was dealt with when it happened, there's a better chance for true remorse and wanting to change. But I have to wonder, are you just wanting to shape him up for someone else to enjoy? Why bother trying to change him, you don't want him. I would just let him go now so no more time is wasted. You are afraid of a lot of unknowns.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't waste your time. Yes, people can change, but...I doubt it when it comes to his behaviour.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

The purpose of dating is NOT to commit to your partner. You commit to the relationship by not dishonoring it (with telling lies, messing around with others, disrespecting your partner, etc.). But, you do not commit to the person. To commit to the person automatically means you tie yourself to him no matter what - no matter how awful he is and no matter how badly he treats you. You already know that would be ridiculous.

The purpose of dating is to learn the individual in order to determine if he is right for you to spend your life with. This is entirely exclusive of love because love DOES or CAN just happen. Love happens because we are emotional beings with needs. Think about it: He messed around on you and treated you badly, yet you love him. But, loviing him doesn't mean you should marry him. Get it?

You have to recognize the man and the relationship you have and not fool yourself into thinking he or the relationship can be anything more than that. In other words, you have to examine what you have, not what you hope it will become. So, either give it more time in an objective and discerning frame of mind, or make the hard decision now. That hard decision is never, ever going to be easy. People don't break up because they fall out of love necessarily. We usually don't fall out of love until after the relationship is long over. That's why people often make the mistake of getting married or staying in bad relationships for way too long. They simply never make the hard decision because love overwhelms their good and common sense and rely way too heavily on "I love him." So, snot through it now (cry and mope for a while at the loss - the normal grieving process), or go through it later, possibly after you made the mistake of marrying him and having a couple kids.

On what do you base the decision? You already know you dislike several of his characteristics. You already know he will use honesty and dishonesty interchangeably. You already know he will treat you badly when he feels like it. If it the relationship is hurtful; if it's too much work; if it is one-sided in any way, then it is not even worth considering long term - especially not marriage. You may not necessarily know exactly what you DO want and like in a man, but you can definitely see what you don't like. You would be stupid to marry a man who exhibits so many undesirable qualities. But, I see you as very, very smart because you are taking all these things into consideration, rather than ignoring them now and expecting to change him later after you've dragged him down the aisle.

As much as anything else, pay close attention to your feelings. I'm not talking about the emotional feelings - all the love and mushy stuff. You can too easily allow those to rule and overwhelm you. I am talking about the sensible ones - the ones based on your good and common sense, and the ones in the pit of your stomach (how his actions make you feel). If you are uncomfortable in the slightest, then don't do it. The discomfort in your gut are your instincts trying very hard to get your attention and overpower your emotional feelings of "I love him."

Consider also that the husband you knew your father to be made you selective. That is all. There is nothing wrong with that and is the way everyone should be. I became VERY selective after my first marriage. It helped me to know what to look for and what to look out for. This is simply having the good sense of learning life's lessons, rather than ignoring them only to repeat the same mistakes. Your example was not a previous husband, as in my case. But, your father served that same purpose in the most useful and academic ways.



dejavu said:


> I know my boyfriend can be selfish but I don't mind, I guess I make it up because I'm the sort of person that always wants to make others happy, I just let him have his way all the time.


This is very unrealistic and is only your emotions talking. It is not a sustainable way to conduct a relationship. You also have needs that are selfish. That's not to say you are a selfish person. It only means we are ALL selfish in some ways in that we have needs. For just one example, wanting to love and be loved are selfish aspects of being. You cannot count yourself as anything more or less than the same emotional and selfish being as the rest of us, albeit some are more selfish than others, like your boyfriend. So, ask yourself "Wouldn't it be nice to get MY way sometimes?" Wouldn't it be nice if he thought of you and cared for you in the same ways that you do him? You will want him to be considerate of you and will grow to despise him for being so inconsiderate because it will begin to make you feel unloved by him. You will get sick and tired of always doing his bidding and things always going his way. You will grow to find his selfishness contemptuous when you become tired of being his doormat.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

This thread is 2yrs old.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Whether or not the thread is two years old.....I'm really REALLY glad River1977 commented on it! Felt like he/she was speaking directly to me....I needed to hear that!!!


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

Try to see what you would like to see in your husband if he gives you this for you without awareness can help you


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

dejavu said:


> Hello everyone *
> 
> I'm a woman in my early twenties, I'm not married but have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. Lately I have been giving a lot of thought to my relationship and I'd be very grateful if I could hear some advice/opinions from you
> 
> ...


Sweetie, you already know the answer to your question. Thank God you are smart enough to realize this and take a second look at your feelings. Very smart. Any personality traits you find unattractive now will only get worse as he ages. 

Don't beat yourself up or feel guilty for your feelings. Try being single for awhile. I give this advice to every young person who posts here. I married young, right out of my parents house. I never got to live alone and know myself. I missed out on something crucial. You still have a chance. Don't end up like some of us on here, married and stuck. Looking inward and getting to know yourself is NOT self-obsession, it is self-awareness and something most people do not have. 

Don't be like a lot of women, home with kids, hubby is an azzhole, and you regret ever marrying him. Think about what he would teach your kids. I would suggest you start to distance yourself inch by inch. You will NEVER change a man so don't even try. He is who he is. You are who you are. 

Just because you love him, doesn't mean there is a happy ending in store for you and you know it. You came here for advice, BUT YOU KNOW THE ANSWER ALREADY!!!! Listen to your gut, it never lies.


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