# When you are earning more than your husband :(



## DesperateHousewife2015 (May 22, 2015)

Hi all,

I need advise on how to keep being satisfied when I'm not satisfied with our marriage life any more. I've been married for 12 years now and I forced my husband to agree in managing our own money this year simply because I don't trust him on this matter any more. I used to have 1000% percent trust but last year, every thing just crumbled down. I hate having debts but he keeps filing loan after loan after loan and we ended up owing 300K from my parents. I'm totally ashamed of this and my husband can't even explain where it went. He even points out that he does not have any vices and he has always been faithful. I guess he just doesn't know how to budget properly. Now, I'm seeing that he does not earn a lot and I think I'm losing my affection because all I'm seeing are all the wrongs with him. How can stop myself from falling out of love because of our financial problem???!! I'm not asking for too much, I just don't want to have a lot of debts.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
The title was "when you earn more than your husband", which is not a problem, but you do seem to have a problem that he cannot control his spending.

Where is the money going?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Were you not involved in the budget at all? You also have responsibility for keeping your head in the sand all this time and letting it get so out of control. 

You both need to sit down, make a budget, look at your last year of spending to see where it all went and downsize as much as possible to start chipping away at your debt.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Regardless of who earns what, you two are married and managing finances is couple business. If you haven't been keeping an eye on where the family money goes, you are as big a part of the money problem as he is. Whether he has some expensive vice, simply can't perform basic math functions, is a careless book keeper, or doesn't earn enough, none of these problems could have gone undetected if you had been paying attention to household finances. 
If he's the bad guy, you're his accomplice. 
You won't like how I phrase this, but laziness frequently masquerades as trust. Regardless of the faith you might have in another person, managing money is the duty of all adults. Your signature appears on your tax forms and probably on a few loans. Your relationship to your parents is between you and them. The IRS, the bank, and your parents all have the right to expect that you are engaged in the management of your financial obligations. If you have kids, their futures largely depend on you and your husband BOTH making sure they have a roof, food, medical care, education, etc. These aren't duties you can hand off to anyone else and claim victim status when things go wrong. It might be ok for him to function as the primary manager, but your eyes have to be on these things, too. I doubt you both accrued $300K in debt in only a year. Whatever else caused this, your neglect contributed to it. I can trust my kids' school, but their education is my responsibility, so I have to make a point to know what's going on. I can trust my wife but I am personally obligated to the bank to make sure they are being paid. If I owned a business but left the finances in charge of someone I never checked on, I'd be asking to be taken advantage of and I'd be doing my employees, investors, and customers a great disservice because they depend on me to manage money in a way that keeps the business in business.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

The title says, When you are earning more than your husband  so based on that, this is my situation.

When Mrs.CuddleBug and I first got married, I was making way more than she was and we were saving for a down payment to buy a place.

We bought a place with low monthly mortgage payments.

Then all the major plants and industry shut down and left our city, so I went through a lot of plant jobs. Work less than one year, get layed off. Work one full year and get layed off, etc. 

I got a job at a growing cnc shop and Mrs.CuddleBug started working in the food retail industry.

We were making about the same until 5 years ago she took a promotion and made $60k year were I was making $40k year.

Then oil crashed and my shop had layoffs including myself. I haven't been out of work for 10 years and on EI in 12 years until now.

I trust her with finances 100% and we are joint spousal with everything. I do the finances.

3.5 years no more mortgage or debts and we are semi retired. She will be 40 and I will be 45.


Ideally, I would love to be making $60K and more while Mrs.CuddleBug stays home, raises our kid(s) and maybe works a part time job. But that is what my parents did in the 1970's and 1980's with us. Today, 2015, not reality anymore.


Did you ever manage the finances with your hubby? Or let him run wild?

You should be doing all the finances together and with no secrets.

If it turned out he is gifted with finances, he does it but you know everything. If it turns out you are gifted with finances, you do it but he also knows everything.


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## TRUEAMERICAN (May 27, 2015)

You said he reminded to you he was "faithful".

Faithfull: Morally? financially? There is usually one more money savvy than the other....not always.

If it is not recognized by one or the other of failure in financial responsibility or neither can organize their finances properly than a third help is wonderful. A nonprofit third party Counseling can be a remedy. Some churches offer this. 

Debt can be a marriage killer. At best a terrible stress and uncontrolled debt has to stop.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

It sounds more like trust issue than you earning more than your husband. I'm not sure how it works over there, but here it's easy to know how much my spouse is earning and vice versa. The income lands in our joint account and we can see how much there is from each of our employers.
Also, we discuss major financial decisions together. Plan on things together.

I also earn more than my husband but that is not a big deal.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

You call yourself desperate and I suppose you are. You owe your parents a lot of money. Have they nothing to say about it. 
You dont know where it went. I find that hard to believe. Unless he went gambling with it he must have bought things which he could not hide from you. 
For the future. I suppose its really what your parents want you to do. If they want you to stay with him I suppose they will forgo the loan. Before you can carry on you have to find out where the money is going.
Now a question. Do you both make enough to live on. 

Make sure that either you have separate accounts or they need both your signatures. Tell him if he makes a loan somehow without your permission youre finished with him.

It seems he needs you. There is no need to be in despair You should manage.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

you all will have to work on rebuilding the trust but i would urge you to take control of the finances because to leave them up to him will lead to more financial trouble. Good Luck


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

OP only posted once, and back in May. Hasn't been back.
My guess, she didn't really make more than her spous, and that he was gambling.
Just my guess.
If the gambling was the downfall for the debt, guess what, It will go on forever. Good to take the family budget out of his hands.


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