# 9 yo son breaks down. Now??



## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

And he did yesterday.

Brief history:

- marriage on the rocks Nov 2012
- wife moves out Feb 2013
- 2 great kids, D11 and S9, week on/week off
- ex and I on speaking terms.

So my son called me on the phone last night from my ex's house, his mother and sister were upstairs.

Starts to cry softly and told me he can't handle things anymore, when he's at his mother, he misses me and vice versa, he wants everything back the way it was before, etc. And it's not gonna happen since his mum bailed out and there is no going back (and so there is no point of talking with her about it) .

So I listened actively, validated etc... what else could I have done?

It's been well over a year ex and I separated... and this is pretty much the first time he brings anything like this up. 

He was actually quite the little trooper all this time, seeing the silver linings, having 2 houses, different vacations (X2),... and the love of his mum and his dad (D11 was having more problems with the situation in the beginning, but seemed to except it after a few months, reluctantly).

But he's not seeing anymore silver linings, on the contrary. 

Ideas of handling this situation?

And what do I tell my ex about this? (cause son didn't want to speak to her about his current feelings)


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I would be concerned that his being a "trooper" involved squelching his feelings. No fault. You only know what you know.

At the moment, you could not have done anything differently. Going forward, I would have a one on one conversation with him, I would explain that this is what is, and that is not going to change. But what has to change is how he feels about it. Ask him what things might be done differently, more phone calls? More contact? Im? Skype? Also ask him if he would like go to counseling? Would he like to go alone? With you? With Mom? With you and Mom?

And more of that listening you were doing. Good work, Dad.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Personally, I would ask him if he would mind if you talked to his mother about how he's feeling before doing so. It wouldn't help to break his confidence I don't think. I realise this is a case where both parents should be involved in trying to help him but he's also at that age where he might feel it as a betrayal, especially since you are two separate people now, not a unit. I guess that's really just hit home for him. He has probably entertained hopes all this time that this would all blow over, that it was a temporary thing, but after all this time with no signs that you will ever reconcile, he's probably had to face facts.

I guess you can only do what you have been doing. Listen, be supportive etc, but you can't change the situation, so there's not a lot you can do but let him go through this grieving process.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You handled that perfectly!

Sometimes kids just go through life stages where they need extra measures of security. Sometimes these little break downs are caused by external factors, kids at school being mean, frightening TV shows, sometimes even a passing comment made by someone else.

Stay closer in touch with him. Reach out to him more often. Avoid extra blame, as you already have so well done on that too.

Reassure him that you will always be ready to move mountains to protect him and his sister. Can you meet him for lunch during school? Just pop in with a treat, give him a hug and kiss?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> I would explain that this is what is, and that is not going to change.


This is a really important point. My H's son had some feelings like that at the beginning, but did not express them well, as did your son. He actually did not really express them at all, he just acted out.

One thing that my H made clear to his son was that this was the situation, and that it would not change. The child went to counseling as well.

It's really important not to give him hope that you'll be back together as a family unit again (unless this is on the table, of course.)


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> I would be concerned that his being a "trooper" involved squelching his feelings. No fault. You only know what you know.
> 
> At the moment, you could not have done anything differently. Going forward, I would have a one on one conversation with him, I would explain that this is what is, and that is not going to change. But what has to change is how he feels about it. Ask him what things might be done differently, more phone calls? More contact? Im? Skype? Also ask him if he would like go to counseling? Would he like to go alone? With you? With Mom? With you and Mom?
> 
> And more of that listening you were doing. Good work, Dad.


Tx NS!

Yeah I worried about the trooper thing as well... I know he didn't like the situation one bit but he was wonderfully optimistic about it the whole time... almost superhuman.

Don't know about the counseling... don't want to give him the feeling there's something wrong with him either...


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

breeze said:


> Personally, I would ask him if he would mind if you talked to his mother about how he's feeling before doing so. It wouldn't help to break his confidence I don't think. I realise this is a case where both parents should be involved in trying to help him but he's also at that age where he might feel it as a betrayal, especially since you are two separate people now, not a unit. I guess that's really just hit home for him. He has probably entertained hopes all this time that this would all blow over, that it was a temporary thing, but after all this time with no signs that you will ever reconcile, he's probably had to face facts.
> 
> I guess you can only do what you have been doing. Listen, be supportive etc, but you can't change the situation, so there's not a lot you can do but let him go through this grieving process.


:iagree:

That's why I didn't talk to my ex about it (while on the phone yesterday, she came down the stairs and he sent her back up )... yet I thought she should be aware that something was up with the boy.

So yes, I'm gonna ask him if it is OK to talk to his mum about it. So simple I didn't even think of that.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

explain to him you never really know what life might throw at you and the key is to realise that life is kind of an adventure. that many families go throught the same thing or worse. that people are pretty resiliant some people have survived much worse and in the end are better for over comming life challenges. and it is ok to feel sad but in the big scheem of things its not that bad. he still has a mom and a dad that love him and will always be there for him. that is ok to call and talk about this as often as he wants. try to spend more time with him and reasure him that you and him will get over this.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Omego said:


> This is a really important point. My H's son had some feelings like that at the beginning, but did not express them well, as did your son. He actually did not really express them at all, he just acted out.
> 
> One thing that my H made clear to his son was that this was the situation, and that it would not change. The child went to counseling as well.
> 
> It's really important not to give him hope that you'll be back together as a family unit again (unless this is on the table, of course.)


You're right of course. Never gave him hope about coming back together. He gets this, it's part of his problem apparently :scratchhead:

Sometimes I wonder if mine and my ex's civil, even friendly ways with each other don't create any false hope in his little head (bottom line being, you damned if you do, you damned if you don't)...


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> explain to him you never really know what life might throw at you and the key is to realise that life is kind of an adventure. that many families go throught the same thing or worse. that people are pretty resiliant some people have survived much worse and in the end are better for over comming life challenges. and it is ok to feel sad but in the big scheem of things its not that bad. he still has a mom and a dad that love him and will always be there for him. that is ok to call and talk about this as often as he wants. try to spend more time with him and reasure him that you and him will get over this.


Mmm... although I like this philosophy very much -I know it helped me going in my darkest hours- I don't wanna minimize his feelings either. He doesn't care if other people are worse off than him, he feels bad NOW.

Like Anon Pink and you suggested, it may be a good idea to let him know it's perfectly OK to contact me while with their mum... never said they couldn't but, truth be told, I basically go dark in my weeks off, except we all have diner together at my mother's once a week (ex not invited).


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Hi Easy,

That's so sad, I feel for you and your son. 

I think you handled it great. 

I came from a broken marriage (when I was 11) and noticed resentment inside of me growing/building up and blowing up for WELL over 15 years. Heck I still have it in me....but I think 10 years ago or so I finally settled it into my brain.

I think it would've went a LONG way for both my father and mother to sit me down and just tell me that what's done is done and there is no going back. To simply accept it now cause it won't change.

Maybe I always had hope that my family would get back together and that needed to get squashed? 

Here is what I would do. Take your son fishing or something (anything he enjoys that you can have his COMPLETE attention). Let him vent, hear him out a bit more and just tell him everything he is going through and feels is completely normal.

Then it would be a good time to tell him that you will be in his life forever and he has nothing to worry about, so will his mom. Then I would just tell him that there is no way you guys can remarry (but don't get into details of what happened/how it happened etc).....just state that there is no going back and he needs to accept it/deal with it now and get over it. 

You can advice him to not think about it a lot and when it does come up into his brain to change thoughts, not dwell on it etc.

These are ALL valuable lessons not just for this situation but in life. Lessons that my parents failed to teach me and it took me YEARS to figure it out on my own.

This entire situation is what makes father/child relationships stronger/better. Use it to your advantage. Hug him, touch him and show him that no matter what happens, you will be there for him and everything will be ok.

Good luck


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> explain to him you never really know what life might throw at you and the key is to realise that life is kind of an adventure. that many families go throught the same thing or worse. that people are pretty resiliant some people have survived much worse and in the end are better for over comming life challenges. and it is ok to feel sad but in the big scheem of things its not that bad. he still has a mom and a dad that love him and will always be there for him. that is ok to call and talk about this as often as he wants. try to spend more time with him and reasure him that you and him will get over this.


I like this too!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

EasyPartner said:


> Mmm... although I like this philosophy very much -I know it helped me going in my darkest hours- I don't wanna minimize his feelings either. He doesn't care if other people are worse off than him, he feels bad NOW.


I agree, minimising his feelings won't help him feel better. The poor kid, he's probably got a whole lot of emotions swirling around in his head and doesn't know how to articulate his feelings. You could ask him if he'd like to talk to someone about it, and explain that that person is just for him to talk to, and he can say anything he likes and no one will get upset. 

Poor kid, I think you need to tell his mum too...she can handle it discreetly, or the two of you together can work out an action plan, but she needs to know.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

EasyPartner said:


> Sometimes I wonder if mine and my ex's civil, even friendly ways with each other don't create any false hope in his little head (bottom line being, you damned if you do, you damned if you don't)...


Good point. I did think about that when I read your post. When the ex's are too friendly, the children involuntarily have hope, and this destabilizes them. It like in their heads they say "Well, you get along so well, why are you even divorced?".

I read once of a disastrous situation where the exes were so friendly towards each other, ie. going out together for coffee, movies, hanging out together at each other's places because 1) they really did get along and 2) they figured the kids would think it was great. However, the whole situation created a huge amount of anxiety for the children. They basically lived day to day on the edge, just waiting for the parents to get back together... 

My ex and I are perfectly civil, communicate via email about the kids, etc. or phone but only about the kids. We didn't hang out together or "shoot the breeze" or go for coffee or meet up for any reason other than exchanging children. Same with my H and his ex. Everything is very clear. So I wouldn't say we are friendly. We're cordial. 

Anyway, every situation is different. Not trying to say that being friendly is a bad thing either.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

All of these relationship changes do impact the kids.

Glad that he is talking to you, but it would be a good idea for him to go to counseling. This can have an impact on him for the rest of his life.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> All of these relationship changes do impact the kids.
> 
> Glad that he is talking to you, but it would be a good idea for him to go to counseling. This can have an impact on him for the rest of his life.


I am painfully aware of that Harry.

Have my doubts about counseling, as I said before. Don't want to overreact either.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My youngest grandson is around the age of your son. Split custody (week on/week off) was difficult for them. My granddaughter told me she felt like she and her brothers didn't really have a home and just went from place to place every week. Recently, she decided to live full-time with her mom (she's old enough to choose) and her brothers asked if they could live full-time with their dad (my son). And now they do. I hated the idea of splitting the children up but they see each other every weekend. So far, it seems to be working much better this way. 

They've always been able to call the parent who didn't have custody that week and see that parent for dinner once a week but it seemed to affect the nine year old the most. He was five when his parents divorced and although they all struggled, he seemed to especially struggle. He told my son a couple of years ago that he greatly missed the parent he wasn't with that week. 

Custody, no matter how it plays out, is difficult. Reassurances that they are greatly loved helps but it's hard. The problem is that children want their parents together. Even when it's a very bad idea. However, I don't believe in parents staying in toxic marriages for children because they see all of that and are damaged by it as much as they are by divorce. 

There's no easy solution. It just has to be lived through.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Omego said:


> Good point. I did think about that when I read your post. When the ex's are too friendly, the children involuntarily have hope, and this destabilizes them. It like in their heads they say "Well, you get along so well, why are you even divorced?".
> 
> I read once of a disastrous situation where the exes were so friendly towards each other, ie. going out together for coffee, movies, hanging out together at each other's places because 1) they really did get along and 2) they figured the kids would think it was great. However, the whole situation created a huge amount of anxiety for the children. They basically lived day to day on the edge, just waiting for the parents to get back together...
> 
> ...


You're absolutely right Omego... cordial is a better word for it. I always describe it as a negociated peace... for which I had to delve deeply into my powers in the beginning of the separation, let me tell you. But, IMO, there is no other way, for the kids' sake.

So nothing more then a drink or two when we drop off the kids, contact only pertaining them or our schedules...

Sometimes here on TAM I see posters who have parties with their ex's, go on vacations together with the kids etc... MG.

BTW my GF would blow a gasket for far less than that  (cfr my other thread) ...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

maybe even telling him you also feel sad about the situation and that you empathise with his feelings. try to pick up some activities that you can do together while your apart. maybe fishing or some sort of art then when your apart you can call and talk about your next fishing trip. reading a book together or at the same time could give a distraction and would give you guys something to look foward to talking about.

just some ideas.

good luck.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> maybe even telling him you also feel sad about the situation and that you empathise with his feelings. try to pick up some activities that you can do together while your apart. maybe fishing or some sort of art then when your apart you can call and talk about your next fishing trip. reading a book together or at the same time could give a distraction and would give you guys something to look foward to talking about.
> 
> just some ideas.
> 
> good luck.


Yeah I told him I felt sad _for him_... again, not giving hope for R with his mum. Darn it's like walking a tightrope...

And he absolutely loves son & dad activities (bikes, airguns, badminton and soccer in the garden... in short: everything his mum sucks at).

We talk a lot already and he's pretty open about his thoughts and feelings... that's why yesterday came as a chock to me.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You mentioned that during your off week, you go dark. Does this mean you don't talk to the kids on the phone during your off week?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

EasyPartner said:


> Yeah I told him I felt sad _for him_... again, not giving hope for R with his mum. Darn it's like walking a tightrope...
> 
> And he absolutely loves son & dad activities (bikes, airguns, badminton and soccer in the garden... in short: everything his mum sucks at).
> 
> We talk a lot already and he's pretty open about his thoughts and feelings... that's why yesterday came as a chock to me.


sounds like your doing all the right stuff. he just might need to grieve for awhile. Keep an eye out for any troubling signs ....like if he becomes withdrawn,combative,or indiferent. If that happens some profesional help for him might be in order.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> You mentioned that during your off week, you go dark. Does this mean you don't talk to the kids on the phone during your off week?


I usually do not. In my week off, they're all their mum's IMO so I certainly don't call them.

However, if so inclined, they can call me, like son did yesterday. My ex won't stop them doing that, on the contrary.

Same thing when they're with me.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> sounds like your doing all the right stuff. he just might need to grieve for awhile. Keep an eye out for any troubling signs ....like if he becomes withdrawn,combative,or indiferent. If that happens some profesional help for him might be in order.


:iagree:

Will do!

Tx Chilly!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

EasyPartner said:


> I usually do not. In my week off, they're all their mum's IMO so I certainly don't call them.
> 
> However, if so inclined, they can call me, like son did yesterday. My ex won't stop them doing that, on the contrary.
> 
> Same thing when they're with me.


That might be the problem. I understand it must be tricky to work out but it's important to your son that he know, has concrete proof that he is on your mind when you are not with him.

Can you arrange to have a to have a quick chat with him when he gets home from school each day? Would you be able to extend that curtesy to you XW too?


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> That might be the problem. I understand it must be tricky to work out but it's important to your son that he know, has concrete proof that he is on your mind when you are not with him.
> 
> Can you arrange to have a to have a quick chat with him when he gets home from school each day? Would you be able to extend that curtesy to you XW too?


Very mixed feelings about that idea Anon...

My philosophy of going dark in my week off (well it sounds worse than it is) is twofold:

1. I respect my ex's privacy, don't want to invade it more than necessary. And I certainly expect the same from her.

2. Kids have to realize this is the new reality so I don't want to make them more homesick than they might be already (I live in the "old" house btw).

I honestly think that "reminding" them of me on a regular basis may have those bad side effects.

Then again, you may be right...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My ex-DIL didn't want the children calling my son from her cell when she had them. And she certainly didn't want him calling the children on her cell (no landline). On the other hand, he allowed the children to call her from his cell and also allowed her to call the children on his cell and on his landline. 

Once my granddaughter got a cell four years ago, he was allowed to call the children on that phone and they could call him as long as they used that phone. It helps the children to speak to the non-custodial parent however frequently they wish to but it's still difficult for them when they are used to seeing both parents every day. That's the reason many bad marriages don't end in divorce but that's not a good solution either. Once you have children, there are no good solutions when parents can no longer be together. 

My grandchildren have adjusted and are doing extremely well five years after the divorce. Your children will too. It just takes time.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

I agree with Anon. 

My kids went through a similar phase of realizing life was never going to be the same. 

My son always a very responsible young man at 12 started constantly forgetting things. I have to go out of my way,be late for work, drive home on my lunch hour constantly. Everyone said he's spoiled , let him go without whatever he forgot. 

But I know my son this was not like him and he doesn't show his emotions. Somehow he needed the constant reassurance that I was there for him - no matter what he needed even if I didn't understand the need for the item I would be there- for him. 

It stopped as suddenly as it started, I know he finally felt secure. 

He's a 16 year old man now. Recently he got his license, car and more independence. He is mature, responsible and makes most of his own decisions. However, he said something to me a few weeks after he got his license about how he's not sure about things. Independence, growing up is a scary thing. Less contact with me not driving him around, things have changed. 

So I started texting him when he is gone a lot. I just text : you ok? And he responds : ya 

3 words but again lets him know I'm always here and gives him security.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

EasyPartner said:


> . . . .
> Sometimes I wonder if mine and my ex's civil, even friendly ways with each other don't create any false hope in his little head (bottom line being, you damned if you do, you damned if you don't)...


Perhaps, but notwithstanding that side effect, the interest of the children is absolutely paramount and the only way that can practicably be achieved is through civility and focus on what is best for each child. 

It would be my suggestion that you and the “ex” must collaboratively work on this issue, putting any personal issues between the two of you aside – parenting is a team sport even if you aren’t particularly fond of some of your teammates.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You need to sit down with your wife and talk to her about this.

You said that you and her can still talk to each other and I found out the hard way that when one parent doesn't communicate with the other when it comes to the kids that in the long run, the kid is the one who gets the shaft. 

Your both the parents and your both responsible for the children so there has to be a common thread that can be agreed on for the kids. 

I have two children from two wives and the first kid got caught up in the nasty divorce and the outcome wasn't good IMO.

I learned my lesson and when my second wife and I divorced not matter what the reason, our kid had to be put in a neutral zone and not involved. It worked.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

EasyPartner said:


> Very mixed feelings about that idea Anon...
> 
> My philosophy of going dark in my week off (well it sounds worse than it is) is twofold:
> 
> ...



Lol. When is comes to kids...and sex... Aunt pink is always right!


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Lol. When is comes to kids...and sex... Aunt pink is always right!


Damn... only my two favorite things in the world


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

I have a 9 yo child and a 9 yo stepchild. One is open and honest about her feelings. The other is tight lipped and it's obvious things bother him but he refuses to talk about it. You are lucky he is talking about it. 
If I were you I would try to get him to talk to a counselor, even just briefly. 

The fact that he trusts you is wonderful.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

So glad y'all are seeking to support him...

This brings up really bad memories for me since my mother was ruthless in her control of my emotions for my birth Dad and step Dad for decades. Severe emotional and mental abuse.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Oldfaithful said:


> I have a 9 yo child and a 9 yo stepchild. One is open and honest about her feelings. The other is tight lipped and it's obvious things bother him but he refuses to talk about it. You are lucky he is talking about it.
> If I were you I would try to get him to talk to a counselor, even just briefly.
> 
> The fact that he trusts you is wonderful.


Tx OF.

Action plan so far:

Next time we talk about it, ask him if he minds that his mum and i discuss it.

Make sure he knows that there is absolutely no problem him calling me about everything he wants to talk about (this was not habitual so far).

Talk to ex about it. Probably doesn't know what's going on or rugswept it. She tends to do that.

Monitor his behaviour discretely.

If necessary, seek counseling. Ultima ratio.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> So glad y'all are seeking to support him...
> 
> This brings up really bad memories for me since my mother was ruthless in her control of my emotions for my birth Dad and step Dad for decades. Severe emotional and mental abuse.


Dammit Blossom that cannot have been easy on you...

How did you deal with that eventually? 

Don't feel obliged to answer... just curious.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

EasyPartner said:


> Dammit Blossom that cannot have been easy on you...
> 
> How did you deal with that eventually?
> 
> Don't feel obliged to answer... just curious.


It was hell.. my faith in my faithful God has been crucial

At 33 years old, He put horses in my life to place me in an environment that teaches healthy relationship dynamics with natural horsemanship. My past skewed my view of Him. 

Some counseling which really has served to confirm my path

A LOT of research, study and work on my part and those who support me

Honest raw assessment of my own behavior that is daily along with deep resonsibility balanced against what is NOT my responsibility.

Some VERY serious boundary work this past year

I stood up to my mother in 2009... I was 39

The abuse had a permanent impact on my health and left me with complex PTSD


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

In fact... I was your sons age when I found Christ... Psalm 23 became my mantra to cope with not being able to escape my reality.

I had an violent alcoholic father, whom I never saw violent nor drunk

I had a violent step father

And a mother in between who chose deeply abusive psychological tactics to control my perception of that environment.

Deep abandonment issues and fear of anger have been such a desperate walk of survival on all levels. 

but I AM a survivor and am now headed into thriving...

It touches me to see children who are spared unnecessary pain and supported through pain from what is done already.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Djeez Blossom... 

You must be a very strong woman to overcome all that.

Best of luck to you.

And have fun with the Parelli (am I right?)


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

LOL! Busted... yep... Parelli... life changer for me

I am VERY strong now... almost too strong.

yet.. that vulnerability can blindside me sometimes... 

I've had to learn to dance for sure..

I am an emotional agility PRO by now...


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

I'm going to take a different approach to your son's phone call and dissatisfaction with his situation. You talk about respecting your ex wife's privacy and your girl friend's questioning her lifestyle. You said her choice to leave the marriage was so she could live the life of a twenty something.

Perhaps your son's problem as he less than articulately expressed it to you was his problem with something going on in his life away from you that he is uncomfortable or unsure of dealing with. Don't dismiss counciling if you don't first have a serious talk with your ex-wife that takes into account your son's needs ahead of your need to have a jolly divorce.

I'm not suggesting you change your behavior with your ex but you should both always hold each other responsible for the benefit of your children.

Just sayin'

Seasalt

P.S. perhaps your eldest could shed some light on what is driving your son's unhappiness.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

seasalt said:


> I'm going to take a different approach to your son's phone call and dissatisfaction with his situation. You talk about respecting your ex wife's privacy and your girl friend's questioning her lifestyle. You said her choice to leave the marriage was so she could live the life of a twenty something.
> 
> Perhaps your son's problem as he less than articulately expressed it to you was his problem with something going on in his life away from you that he is uncomfortable or unsure of dealing with. Don't dismiss counciling if you don't first have a serious talk with your ex-wife that takes into account your son's needs ahead of your need to have a jolly divorce.
> 
> ...


Seasalt, 

First of all, tx for being so thorough.

But what are u driving at exactly? Son tells me everything that's on his mind for all i know - no filter between brain and mouth. Hilarious sometimes. Not so other times. Like yesterday. 

So what's on your mind here?


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

It's not what's on my mind that is relevant, but what is on your son's. I felt that there was some dismissiveness with regards to your son's needs. I understand that to a parent those could and should be "fightin' words" and if that's the case I couldn't be happier for the both of you.

I think that "going dark" with your children every other week is wrong and certainly done for the wrong reason. You may have, for whatever reason, sorted these grownup issues out to benefit or allow yourself to deal with them but it's too much to expect the same from a nine or for that matter an eleven year old.

I think you should get to the bottom of your son's concerns sooner than later for everyone you care for's sake.

Seasalt


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It is a hard time EP but it does ease IME.

Have skimmed the thread so excuse me if this has been said. Is your schedule a full week on/off? 
Ex and I are more than 5 years post separation/ divorce, we did full week on/off to start with but we ALL hated it. We are very amicable and flexible in our care arrangements so tried different configurations and this is what worked for us:
We do 50/50, almost week on/off but mid week the kids go to the other parents home for one night, that way the longest time between seeing each other is 4 days. Our week starts Monday afternoon with the main carer, then Wed after noon they go to the other parent for that night then back to the main carer Thurs after school until the following Monday.

As for the phone call I would say it is not uncommon for your son to feel that way. My daughter (tween years) still expresses her desire for mum and dad to get back together even though my partner has been around for over 3 years.
What happens here is that I keep my kids privacy and if they specifically ask me not to talk to their dad about an issue then I don't. 
However I make the final call, if it is a major issue then I talk to the kids again and take the conversation in the direction of talking about my concerns as their parent and that I would like to discuss it with their dad. In every case they have said yes to discussion with their dad, we have had a few family meetings in this regard. It is important for them to know their parents are still a team and that we both want to help them through and are there for them. It is always dependent on the issue, sometimes kids will just want to confide in one parent whether a one or a two household family.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

EP, it's possible that at just 9 years old, that a week at a time is too long for him to be away from either you or his mum.

Is it an option to switch it up a bit, for example, we have hubbys beautiful daughter frm Wed pm to Sat night (though lately she's wanted more time with us as her mum has a new partner), then her mum has her Sun am to Wed am. It's only a few days the little person has to go without seeing mummy or daddy.

When she gets older we expect that she'll want longer stretches at each house to feel a bit more settled...but the current arrangement has been in place since she was 6 and works well for her.

If you're unsure about counselling is there a relative or good family friend that your son trusts that he could chat to?


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

So step 2 and 3 of the action plan have been accomplished.

Yesterday I went my mother's house where we had dinner with the kids, as it has become custom every thursday night, also in ex's week.

Son and I had a good talk in private -while his sis was at her ballet lesson- and I got some additional info about his current unhappiness.

He said things that boiled down to, he doesn't really feel at home at my ex's, she doesn't do anything with him (which is not entirely true, but ok), he's bored, she doesn't do fun stuff like we do, not even watching tv together, she's always busy cleaning or on her iphone anyway, etc. And of course, all of this sh*t wouldnt have happened if we'd still be together.

On top of it all, she's planning a family vacation to the most awkward destination in France in summertime, with a friend of hers and his D. He doesn't like either of them and is, well, reluctant to go.

Today I emailed ex about his current state, mentioning his complaints.

She responded, saying that he's too passive, doesn't know how to entertain himself, jealous of his sister cause of all the horse related activities, she gets to do more sleepovers and she's getting bigger so they're growing apart more, clingy when there are visitors in the house, etc. So she proposes to enroll him in various activities and camps, the logic being that he will feel more secure and will have less time to worry and overthink things.


I then sent an email back, saying that some of her arguments had a core of thruth, but that Son's behaviour (at least at my house, i can only speak from experience) wasn't nearly as problematic or atypical for a 9 yo boy...

I responded topic by topic, gonna spare you that, and and added that she maybe gon a bit further than necessary with the tough love approach...

She didnt send a response yet.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

If she is too distracted, she's not going to be paying attention to balance in her home.

Bottom line of things he is saying... he sees things are out of balance. If he continues to be "labeled" as over reacting and that he is the problem, he will ask to leave.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> If she is too distracted, she's not going to be paying attention to balance in her home.
> 
> Bottom line of things he is saying... he sees things are out of balance. If he continues to be "labeled" as over reacting and that he is the problem, he will ask to leave.


:iagree:

I don't like the turn this thing is taking one bit.

The irony is, with GF, alone or with me, or on vacation, he was happy as a clam. And she's bat**** crazy, from time to time. 

Go figure.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

He doesn't look to your GF as "home," it's just you and his Mom and Mom is distracted. If she could work on making him feel heard, things would settle down and get some things balanced out he would feel better.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

*On top of it all, she's planning a family vacation to the most awkward destination in France in summertime, with a friend of hers and his D. He doesn't like either of them and is, well, reluctant to go.
*

How long has your wife known this friend, boyfriend? How long has your son known him and why doesn't he like him?

Your son definitely needs to see a good counselor. How about a school counselor or a school counselor's recommendation.

Sorry, just read your threads and had a couple of thoughts. There really seems to be an elephant in the room so to speak.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> *On top of it all, she's planning a family vacation to the most awkward destination in France in summertime, with a friend of hers and his D. He doesn't like either of them and is, well, reluctant to go.
> *
> 
> How long has your wife known this friend, boyfriend? How long has your son known him and why doesn't he like him?
> ...


She's known this friend from some kind of singles plus kids forum, for about 6 months or so. For all I know, she was in love with him but he kept it platonic. 

FYI, she's got another lover by now. Recent. Still going on vacation with the first one tho (well not exactly the first one but who is counting).

Had my boy for the whole weekend, seemed very happy. Bike ride, visit at gf's and went to local festival all together. Will monitor closely, some counseling may be not such a bad idea, in spite of my initial reluctance.

BUT WHAT IS THE ELEPHANT IN MY ROOM FGS?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EasyPartner said:


> some counseling may be not such a bad idea, in spite of my initial reluctance.


Glad to hear it, EP. And glad to hear the weekend went well.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

jld said:


> Glad to hear it, EP. And glad to hear the weekend went well.


Well I ve always been slow on the take up jld... part of my charm 

And I hope you had a good weekend yourself.


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