# Losing Hope



## hoohagirl (Sep 12, 2011)

How do I even begin to describe this nightmare? I still cannot believe that this truth is my reality and I am doing my best to learn to accept that this is my life now. 

My story began in mid May when my husband flipped out on me right before bed and told me that he was miserable in his life and he was miserable because of me. He vented at me for hours telling me how unhappy he was and how our marriage had been a lie for three years. That he had been unhappy and that all the good times and nice things he did for me were lip service. I was in complete shock. I knew he had been going through some depression but thought it was work related. I had no idea he felt the way he did about our marriage. I thought we were lucky and happy. 

As the next few days passed he began to tell me that he didn't feel like a man and that something was wrong with him. He told me he had no self-esteem and he had disappeared. We talked about going to marriage counseling but agreed that he should see an individual therapist to determine what was going on with him first. Initially I was quite concerned about an emotional or physical affair as he had become very secretive of recent. 

We went through that for a few weeks until one morning I awoke and found him and his stuff gone. He packed up his bags while I was asleep and went to his parents. He refused to talk to me or have anything to do with me for about a week and a half. I went through a major depression during this time. 

About a week and a half in he decided he wanted a divorce and I told him he needed to come talk to me about it in person if that is what he really wanted. When he came over after hours and hours of him going back and forth about getting a divorce he decided it wasn't right and that he was going to move back home. 

He moved back home the next day and we began marriage counseling immediately. I began having a really difficult time as I felt so betrayed and I also felt like he was home physically but not emotionally. I felt like he was just going through the motions but didn't care. When he came home he didn't even bother to unpack his stuff but lived out of his suitcase. 

A few weeks later I was so disturbed by his emotional absence I told him to leave and figure out what he wanted. This was in early July. 

At first when he left I was fairly sure we were going to get a divorce immediately. Whenever we talked he was extremely nasty and he vacated all of our joint responsibilities. I was so frustrated. He stopped going to counseling and began partying almost every night. 

Finally in Mid August I told him I was going to move back to Oregon. I couldn't deal and I needed to move on if that was what he was doing. He asked me not to leave until he went to see a counselor. He wanted to see our marriage counselor because he liked her so much. I told him that would be okay. Apparently our marriage counselor told him she would give him four sessions and then if he wanted to work on the marriage he would need to find someone else. 

After the four weeks my husband told me he still did not want to go to marriage counseling together and that he was thinking divorce. I began the process of trying to realize we were going to get a divorce but I couldn't seem to call a lawyer. We did not talk for about a month at all. 

Three weeks ago he began calling and saying we needed to talk. I had been avoiding his attempts at conversation because I felt like he just wanted forgiveness and to be friends and that is something I was unwilling to give. Finally about three weeks ago I agreed to talk to him. We had a long talk where he told me everything he thought I had done wrong. I did not talk I just listened. Afterward he said he wanted to spend the following day together which we did and it was nice but awkward. Then he asked me to go out with him two more times after that and then nothing. 

I got really angry and called him and told him that if he wanted to begin spending time together it would need to be scheduled. I didn't want to wait around and see if he was going to call or not or know if he was trying to work things out or not. He said he did not yet want to go to marriage counseling but that he was "trying to try." We agreed to spend time together on Mon, Wed and Saturday. 

It has been hit and miss. It is very hard for me because I don't know what this means or what is going on. I feel confused and I also feel that I am beginning to drift away. This all started back in May and it just feels to me like this has been going on for a long time and he still does not know what he wants. 

I don't know what to do. I feel like things need to progress and I need to see us making steps to solve our problems. I also need a commitment from him that he wants to work on our marriage. Something I can sink my teeth into. He keeps telling me that something is wrong with him and that he is not happy with himself. Until he figures out why he is not happy with himself that he cannot commit to anything. 

My mental brain understands and agrees with this but my emotional side is beginning to shut down. I don't know how much longer I can feel like my life is in limbo. I love this man with all my heart but it does not feel like he loves me the same way. I feel like he just left after being unhappy without ever having said a word. I feel betrayed that all the sudden I am to blame for his unhappiness. I believe that happiness is a choice and that you have to work for it. I don't know how I can be held accountable for things when he never said a word. 

He keeps telling me he has to start standing up for himself. My husband is a conflict avoider and it is very important to him that everyone love him. I agree that if he is not communicating his true feelings, he needs to speak up but I also feel like he says this like I have been walking all over him which is not true. I am tired of feeling like the bad person and tired of feeling like I am being blamed. I know I am a great person and I also know that if I had known he was unhappy I would have done everything I could to find a solution. 

I don't know what to do. I am running out of hope and faith. I am beginning to feel like I don't know who this man is. If he loved me wouldn't he want to go to marriage counseling? How is it possible that after four months he still does not know what he wants?


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## hoohagirl (Sep 12, 2011)

ps. My husband and I have a fairly large age gap. I am 34 and he is 45......


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## Hilary Henderson (Sep 7, 2011)

This sounds super stressful and awful... I'm so sorry to hear it.

May I ask you what kinds of things he said you'd done wrong? What he was so unhappy with you for? Could you see his perspective (and just wished he'd said something about it earlier) or did his comments seem really out in left field?


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## hoohagirl (Sep 12, 2011)

When this first started his complaints were so confusing to me. He said that I wasn't close enough to his family which was strange to me because we live in Georgia and since his family is here and mine is in Oregon we spend every holiday, birthday, anniversary, etc with his family. In addition we do breakfast with them about once a month and I buy tickets to take them places a few times a year. He complained that I wasn't close enough to them. 

He also complained that he was tired of doing all of the cooking. Our agreement in the beginning of our marriage was that I would do dishes and laundry and he would do the cooking. I did not realize that he was no longer happy with this but by no means a deal breaker. I don't mind cooking if he wants to pick up a different chore. 

In addition he complained that I came between him and his friends which is again very confusing because I have always wanted him to go out more with his friends. I've never complained about him going out with them. He goes on two boys only camping trips a year and I am always excited to have a weekend to myself. So again very confusing. 

Whenever I tried to understand why he felt this way and ask him what I was doing wrong he would say that I was talking him out of his feelings. 

In the end though he said none of that mattered. He said that he felt like it was all about me all of the time and that he never stuck up for himself. Again, this "invisible war" is just that to me; invisible. I had no idea that he didn't like certain things or felt like he wasn't sticking up for himself. I don't understand how I can do things "his" way when I didn't know that he wasn't getting "his" way. 

Long story short apparently his therapist thinks that he has become a conflict avoider because he grew up with an alcoholic father. I read up on this term and from what I read people who have this dysfunction tend to go along with everyone because they want everyone to be happy and like them. However, when they do blow they blame everyone else. This is pretty much how this whole thing has gone down. It seems that he believes whatever I did, I did on purpose but I am still having a very difficult time understanding exactly what it is I did. 

Tonight he came over and cooked a very nice dinner and the evening was nice but I am having trouble because in the back of my head I am still wondering what all of this means. I feel I need to hear in words that he is committing to work on the marriage. I had planned on giving him until the end of September as our anniversary is October 8th. I really felt that I didn't need to really tell him that I was really only giving him until the end of September because I wasn't making the decision to influence him but more a personal decision for me to know what my limits and needs are. Tonight I told him that I was wondering how he felt about our upcoming anniversary and if we should celebrate it. He felt like we should. I explained to him that it was difficult for me to celebrate it when he has been unable to commit to working on the marriage. He got a little upset and said he felt like he was by coming over. I told him that I need to hear the words and I need to have an idea of what that means in terms of what we should begin doing moving forward (marriage counseling?). He told me he needs to think about it and I felt so confused again and this time I told him that I didn't understand how he could say on the one hand that don't I see his actions as working on the marriage but he cannot making a verbal commitment. He said it wasn't that but he needs to think about what he is comfortable doing by agreeing to it. 

He says that he feels that he always wants to say things that he may not really mean so he needs some time to think about his answer so he doesn't just agree with me to make me happy. 

A good thing but gracious......so friggin frustrating!!!! I can't believe that our communication is this stunted and again I feel some hope one second and then no hope the next.....


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