# Nagging? When you try to discusse how you feel, but it just becomes and argument.



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

OK, so when I do try to discusse my feelings, or the Affair, my Spouse says all I do is nag, Im not trying to nag, but it just doesnt seem to matter how or when I bring it up.. It turns into an arguement and I get called a nag.. I told spouse, that he had all the time and energy to put into Ap but doesnt have time to put into me. It just seems to be getting worse. I cant move forward until I get detail explanations. And I have posted about the "moods" partner is in most.. But like I told my spouse.. You wore your self down to nothing to be with AP, you should put that much energy no 100 times more into me. I am the one you should focuse on.. It feels as if I get nothing, and I told spouse, we are not close anymore, you seem to think that just because were together that thats all there is to. We can go back like before, you ignore me, only talk or complain about you issues, example work.. and I am here for you, and I listen a disscuse it with you.. but we have to connect on more levels.. I really need to feel you are in love with me, find me attractive, care about how I feel, I told spouse I am lonley, I dont feel like you appreciate me, but you did your AP.. you put so much time and energy into them that you would drag in ready to drop from lack of sleep you ran yourself down to nothing for them. But for me, I get nothing, I am supposed to be supportive, loving and caring. And I dont expect spouse to run self down for me, never would I want that... I do care about my spouse.. But I need more than what I am getting.. A kiss every now and then.. a peck.. I love yous.... at night spouse always holds me, but thats about it.. nothing on an emotional level,, doesnt even feel like there is and attraction anymore.. I am lonley, very very lonley, and that is sad to say because I am trying to make this work. Spouse had had no contact with OP, for about 6 mounths. I dont know how long before it start to change, do they ever go back to the way they were toward the BS.. I feel any spouse needs to feel like there spouse is inlove with them, is attracted to them, finds them irresitable, all the good stuff that goes along with being in love,, like it was before the affair.. but when I try to talk about this, I get you nag to much, and you have to bring that up.. meaning the affair.. but I do feel like there is nothing between us anymore, althou spouse says diffrent thinks that its going great, I dont think so... altough I have noticed that the argument or the name calling "nag" is ending very fast now. Like once spouse starts getting loud, and calls me a nag.. spouse snaps out of it pretty fast NOW, and talks to me normally, but not about what I am wanting to talk about.. before spouse would storm off leave, or be mad about it for a long time or the yelling would go on and on.. but not anymore.. spouse will now, stop and return back to being nice, and doesnt seem to hate me for it for days now... which used to be the case.. is this all neccessary? Do they go thru this? I am just getting tired of it, and I dont like feeling like I am married but alone.. and I dont feel like I am nagging but that gets me upset even more when spouse says it so I will start going off back and saying things like,, if you would put effort into me like you did Ap,, then I wouldnt feel like this. You need to put alot more effort into me than you did AP, you ran yourself down for AP, but with me, well you think you can just take it easy, you dont have to "WIN" me, but what you fail to realize if this doesnt change, one day you going to look around a wonder what happened because I my just dissapear, I am tired of feeling like this...


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I hope I am being clear about this,, I dont know. Basically. My spouse would jumb thru hoops for Ap.. the talking, texting, spending time together... To the point my spouse was exsausted most the time.. Works alot, and any other time free was spent pleasing or spending time with AP... litterally wore hisself down to nothing, o sure he keeps tabs on me thru it all but, I was not his many focus.. AP was.. So now that we are trying to R.. well I feel like there isnt that much effort put into me.. Its like he has his marriage back now, then he can just go on with life like nothing... rest up, go to work, watch tv.. in the mean time, I dont feel like I am appreciated, you know how it is when your in love with someone, you make them feel special or important.. Like he did his AP... well I dont feel like I am getting any of that now.. Before the affair,, yes I did feel it.. we had problems but I did have that in love feeling.. like he really did love and enjoy me.. But now.. If i say it,, Spouse considers it Nagging.. so I dont know what to do anymore.. I have said stuff I shouldnt I know I have.. but I have dealt with alot, and I do have my moments were it feels like hell all over again. but for the most part I try not to go emotional.. but when I feel more rejected, or lonley then of course I got my own words... Its not nagging, like I told spouse, take the time to listen to me, make some changes to make this bettter, listen then you will know what I want/need. Then you wouldnt have me saying anything about it because I would feel like you are in love with me.. saying it is one thing,, but I need to feel it.... I dont know.... I just dont like feeling like the Ap was so important to spouse that he would run hisself ragged, but with me, its like well I got you, you been with me for years, I with you again, and I dont need to do nothing but slip back into my comfy marriage and go back to before,,, before is gone.. and I just need more than what his giving in order for me to have the will to stay..... Saying love and showing love is two diffrent things.. even if his done with the AP.. its not that simple,,, I just feel that I need to or he needs to become emotionally attached again.. Or show more love. I dont know how to say it.. But i am sure that if any of you have been through it you know what I am trying to say..... HELP anyone..


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

wo wo wo wo wo wo wo. the return key is your friend.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> wo wo wo wo wo wo wo. the return key is your friend.


HUH???? :scratchhead:


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Are you saying that I wront this wrong.. Yeah I did.. No spaces nothing... Sorry Im just a little emotional and just start typing and let it all out in one BIG BREATH... I will take a few minutes.. calm down a little and re-write a post that will be understandable.. Sorry I just well like I said.. ONE BIG BREATH... Ill write later and re-post so it is more readable/understandable... I am calming down already after just getting it out,, no matter how badly it was written.. :smthumbup:


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

If you are nagging then it is annoying. You do not sound like you are.

Seems to me that you want him to tell you what he did to hurt you and make amends. 

Most of us who are the BS feels like you. My WS spent time getting ready. Shaving, doing her hair, driving to pick him up, etc. My wife more than likely moaned, she told me she told him dirty stuff while they were having sex. Yea they spent extra stuff doing for them what they do not want to do with us. Too many mind movies here.

At least mine is trying. 

Keep in mind that he was in a fantasy and that things he may have done was in that fake world. 

But I would not let him rug sweep this and that is what he is doing. Tell him you are not nagging and you will not let this pass. That he better get his butt in gear or you are leaving. That he better start understanding where you are coming from and he better get it and get it fast and that you will not be giving him a list. That it is up to him to figure it out and make your life great, happy, and fun. Because right now it sucks and it is because of him.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I guess it can be understood. And thanks for replying.

That is how I feel. You know when they say your relationship is in a ruit, well mine feels like its in a bottemless pit. I have told him that this cant continue like it is. I have told him that I am not having any reason to stay. 

We have been married for 21 years, together since 14. This is the first and only time cheating has happened in our relationship. Not that it makes a diffrence rather 1st or 5000. The point is, I dont know how or ways to handle it. He works long hours gone alot do to it. When he is home, well its like no time/energy for me. And in his fantasy world. He wore hiself down to nothing just to be with or to talk to AP. 

With me, how I see it, is that he doesnt see no reason to put effort into me. I know we have been together for along time, but I need to feel special to him. Even if the affair hadnt had happen, but espically after the affair has happened. 

I know he works hard, I know it wears him out and he needs RR. But I have needs to that he isnt meeting. He tells me he loves me, he comes home on time, spends his off days with me and/or kids. But thats about it. And I listen to him, spend time with him, talk with him and show him affection. But wheres mine? 

When I bring it up, or bring up the affair which isnt often well it just get bad. He tells me I nag. I dont think it is considered nagging when your wife is telling you she is lonley and she doesnt feel a bond, or special or emotionally conncected to you. And thats were the problem lyes, the rug sweeping, I will not let him think of beleive or act like it didnt happen. It did, and as I have read with R this is a proccess, not in 6 months. He just wants to come home to me, tell me about what happened in his day, complain alot. and watch TV. Thats it. I put up with it alot, more than I should to be honest because I know he works long hard hours. 

But when I feel he is rested, and no work then I bring it up, not to nag, but to try to make it better with us. He thinks its fine. His happy with the way it is. Well I guess he would be, I think any WS would be. But not the Bs. Honestly, somtimes I see him give the cat more attention than he does me.. And Im not joking. 

Just because we are R, does not give him the right to assume that the way it is going is just fine, becaue your right I am unhappy, and it is because of him. He doesnt ignore me, well not all the time, he does say I Love you, he does hold me at nite, kiss, and talk "AT" me. But I want more in our relationship than that.

And it does bother me how much effort he put into his AP, and it does make me feel like he doesnt seem to want (or have as much love or lust or fire or want me as much as his ap) to make me as giddy or head over heels for him. He sure went thru alot to make his AP feel this way toward him, but I guess he just assumes I have and always feels this way about him, he doesnt need to "WOOW" me like he did her.

But he should be doing somthing. Anything, give me hope. No give me the will to keep trying. Yes I love him, but as you know an affair changes alot in marriage, it sad to say that its going to end up being me that is the one that says I love you BUT Im not in love with you.


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

#1 - Your WH sounds like as much of a self-absorbed narcissist as mine is. (We're not reconciling but we did a few years back after he had an online affair -- can't call it an EA 'cause I don't even think it was emotional, just sexting etc -- and he was the same way. If I brought it up I was "nagging" and "never let him forget it." I literally brought it up less than 5 times in 7 years, twice involving how our daughter who discovered the whole mess was dealing with it, and _*I*_ somehow was the nag!) (Yeah, and 6 months ago I found out he's been having real-life PA's for a few years now, so be warned! )

#2 - Read the 180 Rules. Don't just read them, do them, for yourself. You deserve better than you're getting, and you're not going to get better from him the way things are. Treat YOURSELF better, and maybe he will see the light.

#3 - GOOD LUCK! I hope he comes around. But more important, I hope you start valuing yourself more highly, with or without him!


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

To tell you the truth, I think he can turn it on and off like a switch. Meaning, used to if I "brought" it up, he would really fly off the handle and say, Im moving out I cant take this, your pushing me away, Im going to leave and never come back, your going to be alone, Im tired of you rubbing it in my face, stabbing me over and over again. Yes he played the whole wounded poor me drama on me.

Well that has stopped, now it is the nagging, so he calls it. Not how I see it. I see it as not allowing the rug sweeping. Now he recovers pretty quickly and just starts talking normally, but he gets to bypass the issue I was trying to resolve, and that isnt setting well with me, I dont want to argue or nag or *****. I just dont know how to make him understand. 

And I think that the only reason why he stopped, SO FAR not saying he wont try it again, the im moving out, you will be left alone crap with me is because I look at him and say go ahead, its not the first time but it will be your last time. And the you will be alone, well I told him, time will tell, his reply "no you be all alone with no one" I looked him straight in the eyes and told him, there is alot of men out there, alot of men who would love to have a women like me, why would you think I would be alone, I can find somone else. YOU DID... SO I KNOW I CAN.. he just stood there stunned.. then said I DID NOT.. 

The more I stand my ground, the more lame he gets, Now its nagging.. although he is recovering quickly, and not as "PUSHY" about it. I just dont know how to get thru his thick head that I got NEEDS he needs to meet. Like I said, its sad that I feel its going to be me giving him the whole "I love you but Im not in love with you" speech. I dont want it to get to that point, so I am looking for ways to knock some sense in his thick skull..

I just dont want to settle, and thats what it feels like to me. Its been a battle to get to where we are, but there is still a war going on. And what happens in a war, you either win the war or surrender.. so whats my plan? Whats my options? Yeah, see my point? His "trying" but not really "trying" or atleast not to wear I am confident that we can do this. Although if you were to ask him, he would say, its great were okay we love eachother and its fine.. UHGGGGGG


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You can't force him to love you---and if he doesn't want you anymore---than you need to recognize your mge., is over, and move on

Why is he still with you---is it cuz he truly loves you, and wants to be with you---or is it cuz he doesn't wanna give up half of everything he owns, and will then be out on his own, working much harder to get himself financially back where he is now, as long as he keeps you somewhat mollified.

If this is done properly---he doesn't get to complain about nagging---he doesn't get to complain about ANYTHING--The R., is your game, played by your rules, and your H. gets no say in anything, and you need to get in his face and tell him so---you then walk away---there is no discussing, and there are no arguments---it is what you want/require/need, and that's it---he can take it or get the he*l out.

You tell him to jump---he says how high.

You need to get in his face, be harsh as he*l, and tell him how things will be, and if doesn't like it, point him to the door, and tell him to not let it hit him in the butt on the way out

You will never get your H., back by being nice, moaning and groaning about lonliness, and how hurt you are-----you have to show him, you can persevere, without him, and you can handle life w/out him----if you can't stand on your own to feet---you got no shot of winning this war you are in---this war, is the war you are waging for your mge., and right now you are losing BIGTIME. Its time you showed YOURSELF a little RESPECT.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Hi Tired, I saw your post on Looking, I guess you have read mine too? I believe you are in exactly the same situation as her and I. He won't talk because there is something he is hiding. Either the full extent of it all or the continuation of the affair. And the only way to get to the truth, in my opinion, is to accept it is over. Plan accordingly, and he will either meet your needs and come absolutely clean or he will run/happily leave.

Your husbands patterns of behaviour are almost identical to my man's (and Looking). My man started off with the anger and defensiveness and walking out, finishing our relationship. All a rue to get me to keep quiet and leave bringing it up. Then as time went on and I became insistent that I needed to talk, his anger got a little less, but still there. I then got to the point of being happy to finish and he has started talking more. Tho still not without the anger and defensiveness, he just keeps a check on it better. Like your man, he finishes being angry very swiftly and is back to being lovely again. I am now at the point where I will take his flannel no longer, I am not sure I even want to know the full extent of it anymore. I know what I think, but to have the real and truthful version I believe will just be too hurtful after all I have been through with him. I just can't take the fact that I have given my all to a man who has so magnificently bullshi**ed me and used me and manipulated me. I know he now loves me, I don't believe their relationship continues at the moment, but I really don't know what to think anymore. Other than that I have been totally sh*t on from a very great height. More fool him for treating me this way because he will lose out. I have loved him like no other, and I have been totally dedicated to him, and I know he adores me, he is now and has been for a while totally dedicated to me. I am not unattractive and will not have any great trouble finding someone else. It is just such a terrible terrible shame because he is (without THE issue taken into account) my absolute perfect man.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

That is the way cheaters are.

To know the truth from the cheaters, you need a lot of patience. Win their confidence (?). They need assurance that you wont get angry, move out, expose them etc. etc.

Coming to your post, I think he is just brushing aside your questions. Sit him down, tell him politely and firmly, that you need answers for all your questions. Leave some gap in time, let this get into him.

I must also tell you, typically, truth does not come out in one go. You may need to repeat your sittings. 

Sorry, it is a hard work. Sometimes, draining.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> That is the way cheaters are.
> 
> To know the truth from the cheaters, you need a lot of patience. Win their confidence (?). They need assurance that you wont get angry, move out, expose them etc. etc.
> 
> ...


 I have done all this. I have asked him in a kindly way, a loving way, I have made him feel safe, I have been angry and done it in a 'I have had enough' way, but he continues with the flannel. I have worked very very hard. But I have now had enough.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I understand. I can tell how this is just eating you up. I understand the loneliness. What I have learned after 3 very frustrating years is that even when you tell them, it doesn't mean it will change. It sounds like you deserve so much more. 

Try to get some perspective. Do you have any close friends? If so, make plans without your spouse. Get some breathing room and then don't think or talk about your spouse. If you don't have any close friends that are available, then find a new activity where you will meet some people. Actually this is just what you need. Are you active already? If so, join a team a coed rec volleyball or what I did was got in to running, and the running community is awesome. Maybe you like exploring like hiking. Try to stay away from hanging out with a friend at a bar is what i mean. 

Then you will gain a little perspective. From what you wrote it sounds like your spouse takes you for granted and treats you poorly. If your spouse sees you have a life without them maybe they will realize what they are losing and if not perhaps you should consider moving on...


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

First thanks for replying, but no I have no close freinds...


But here is a new huge problem, Spouses Parent just passed away.. This has been really hard... It was a huge suprise it wasnt expected and I am holding strong for my spouse and my kids, but it has only made my situation worse.. I am not a bad person and my heart goes out to them, but I dont know how to cope.. I am working on my marriage, trying to be supportive and I know my spouse it greiving.

The thing is, how the family had treated me, it was awful, and having to go to there home repeatedly is causing me some major triggers.. and to have them huge me and tell me they love me, well then why did they work so hard to hurt me and my kids so much during the affair? 

I just want to know if there are any suggestions on how I am supposed to cope without falling apart emotionally myself.. This is just a hard, sad, confusing time for everyone and I do not want to make anything any harder for any of them.. I have been right there for them, because at one point in time I was there family, well I still am but its not the same anymore for me.. But there is no way I can act like anything is upsetting me, I would never allow myself to put anymore hurt on pressure on anyone going thru this, but I can come her to all of you and tell all of you, I have no one, and I dont know how to cope, and this scares me...... I cant turn to my spouse not in a time like this, and espically how much I been struggling with before this.. so NOW WHAT???


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Are you saying that I wront this wrong.. Yeah I did.. No spaces nothing... Sorry Im just a little emotional and just start typing and let it all out in one BIG BREATH... I will take a few minutes.. calm down a little and re-write a post that will be understandable.. Sorry I just well like I said.. ONE BIG BREATH... Ill write later and re-post so it is more readable/understandable... I am calming down already after just getting it out,, no matter how badly it was written.. :smthumbup:


LOL. Just imagine blurting all that out without even stopping for a breath in one long continuous ramble...that's what it feels like to look at posts like that...


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Been awhile since I posted... going on three years here. Anyway, I face this too. First things first... Just don’t compare your relationship to that of an affair and “new romance” in any way; Apples and oranges. Fantasy versus reality.

What you need is to feel loved, desired and wanted. Got this one from our MC. Start paying attention to yourself and things that work best for you to feel this. Start making a list. For me, it’s physical intimacy... just how I’m wired. It’s not that other things my WW could do wouldn’t be interpreted as signs of her affection and love, it’s just that physical touch is the strongest way for me to both feel and show it. My WW had to do the same... She’s more action/words based; Little things I do for her like bring her lunch, get her a glass of wine on a rough day, etc. It’s also how she expresses it... We had to learn to translate and talk in each others language. It has helped. She has to go out of her way to speak my language making it a bit better just knowing it isn’t natural for her. Oh.. I also made a mistake once early on. I wanted what she was giving the AP, specifically sexting and dirty pics; She finally did that a few weeks ago... trigger city and I felt sort of violated seeing it. So, don’t try to recreate the affair... it’s creepy.

It is super-hard at first. Your mind will want those things they gave away to the AP. You are right though in that it’s like an energy. You deserve at a minimum the same level of energy directed your way to build... probably a lot more since you are so hurt. And it needs to be done in a way that makes in impact for you emotionally. A remorseful spouse will do this even if it’s outside their comfort zone. It takes a while though for them to ‘get it’. At first they just want it to ‘go away and go back to how it was’... make it clear that ‘how it was’ didn’t work out so hot for you and is no longer acceptable. Just be firm and consistent. The 180 is your friend. Work hard on yourself, and don’t forget to pat them on the head when they get something right. Just assume you are working with a child’s mentality... it helps too.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Really good post Racer.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Yes, I agree Thanks Racer.. Thank you to everyone..

Right now, I have to deal with the other issue wich is draining me, I am getting daily calls from S parent.. I dont know what the point is. but non the less, his Mom is calling me daily.. I understand she is struggling and having a hard time.. So was I wait no so AM I.... She is talking to me about personal stuff now about his and her relationship how she had been through the same thing..It weird, bc she helped her son to commite adultary, now she is being remorsful after death???? 


I really dont know what to do, but I do know that it seems alot of them are clinging to me.... I am here for my husband, but mainly I am here for my kids....

But, my marriage, the pain, the lies, the hurt.. None of it has been solved....I dont know when or how, but I will not just rug sweep the affair just because of a death.. I know I have to give it time.... but how long???? And how to approach it again without having to argue?? Im just so confused....


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