# Getting the cold shoulder



## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

In a bout of anger and stress I did something stupid and now I'm paying for it. 

Early Monday morning, about 1am I woke up with a pounding headache. Not one I needed to see a doctor about, but a nagging, sick headache that no medication would help. I have always been prone to bad headaches (sometimes going so far as to pass out from them or requiring staying for days in the hospital)

A few hours before I woke up with the headache I had talked to my sister--who I have always been very close to--and found out that she is in danger of losing her home. This has been a year long struggle for her and now it looks as if it is beyond saving. She has 4 children and I am so very worried about them. I'm sure that is part of why I has the headache--stress often brings them on. 

So about 5:30ish Monday morning I finally fall asleep. At 7:15 the alarm rings for me to get the kids up and ready for school. I shut off the alarm and groaned "I have not been able to sleep, I feel terrible." instead of getting any sort of compassion my husband acts as if he was going to get up and gets all huffy and says "Fine!" I was not going to ask him to get up with the kids, mainly because unless I am unable to stand (or have to go in early for work) he will simply refuse to get the kids on the bus. 

But I was very, very hurt that would not be kind about getting the kid ready for school. Even on mornings when I have the flu and I am just not physically capable of getting the kids ready he gets so nasty about it. He'll do it, but make me feel miserable about it. 

So I get up and wake the kids up. Not long after I had gotten up I caught my foot on the corner of the desk and came crashing down along with several items on the desk. You would think after hearing a large crash and me yelping in pain he would get up and make sure we are ok. But no. Even the downstairs neighbor came up to make sure everyone was ok, but my husband could not bother to get out of bed to check on things. 

I didn't break any bones, but the arm that received most of the impact hurt like crazy. So needless to say I was having a pretty bad morning. I was worried about my sister and her family, had little sleep, my head was pounding, my stomach was still queasy from the headache and now my arm was hurt. 

I get the kids off on the bus and then I get the bomb. My older brother called to tell me that my younger brother (he is 20 years old and thinks he is 10 feet tall and bullet proof and lives 800 miles away from me) had been in a "gang fight" and was stabbed pretty badly. What was worse was that when the guy stabbed him my younger brother picked up a cinder block and hit the guy who stabbed him over the head 10 or 15 times until the guy was unconscious. But now friends of this person who stabbed him went to the police, the guy was dead, and my brother was going to be brought up on manslaughter charges. 

When I have a bad morning I really have a bad morning. So I broke down in tears. It was the last thing I could handle that morning. By then my husband was up and getting ready for work. He heard the phone conversation and knew what was happening. 

He came over to try and hug me--it didn't help that he grabbed the arm that was still hurting me. I snapped at him and told him "not to touch me." I was just so stressed out, hurting and frustrated. I felt like, sure he would be a kind and comforting husband, but only when it was convenient for him. He wont get up and be comforting when it interferes with his sleep. He wont even get up and check on me when he hears that I crashed into something. But now when he is awake, now he wants to be nice????

I know what I did was not nice to him either, but at that moment that last thing I wanted was to be near him. Needless to say he got very angry and left in a huff. I did apologizes to him latter, but I'm still getting the cold shoulder. He's not talking to me and not even asking about how my family is doing. 

Thankfully the guy was not as dead as everyone thinks he was. He is still very much alive. Since this other person is in a gang (at least this is what my older brother is telling me) he has declined to press charges. My kid brother is out of jail, but the police are not sure if they want to press disorderly/disturbing the peace charges...but at least he didn't kill a guy and is not facing prison. 

But now, 24 hours latter my husband is still not talking to me. I don't know what to do. He will get over it, eventually, but now he will have one more excuse not to be comforting. I know the next time I am upset he will say "Well I tried to be nice to you on such and such day, but you got mad at me and told me not to touch you. So now I wont ever touch you again...." 

Was what I did so very wrong?


----------



## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

No, what you did was not VERY wrong. You had a moment - we all have moments. You apologized, and that's all you can do. But I know what you mean. My husband doesn't do things because 6 years ago he tried and it didn't work out for him....same thing. It's just an excuse to cover himself the next time it's inconvenient for him to be nice. He's using your "moment" to his advantage. When it's convenient for him to be nice again he will. He will probably always find one excuse or another to justify his behavior. So keep your chin up - you didn't ruin anything.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Oh my God, you did have a terrible morning, starting at 1 am!

I'm so sorry that on top of it, your husband wasn't supportive.
After things calm down and when you feel better, do you think he'll be open to a conversation where you'll get to tell him everything that had been going on with you, and how you needed his support and understanding from him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Oh my God, you did have a terrible morning, starting at 1 am!
> 
> I'm so sorry that on top of it, your husband wasn't supportive.
> After things calm down and when you feel better, do you think he'll be open to a conversation where you'll get to tell him everything that had been going on with you, and how you needed his support and understanding from him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really don't know. Like I said he is giving me the cold shoulder. Refuses to talk to me, would not even say "good morning" when he woke up this morning, refused to even inquire about my family. For all he knows my brother is still sitting in jail. I think by not asking about either my sister or my brother he is saying, "I really don't care about your family." 

What I hate about having conversations with him is that he always finds a way to redirect the conversation away from what I need to what I did wrong. He always attack me with semantics. It's hard to explain, but an example would be if I said something along the lines of "You don't never show me any affection." He would immediately counter the by pointing out that I used a double negative "don't never" and that my statement really means that he does show me affection. Then he will back up that claim by pointing out when he did show me affection. So it must be all in my head. My husband is a something of an amateur linguist. When he was in the army they were training him for counter espionage by using his skills with language. He can twist anything to mean what he thinks it should mean. The problem is that he often does that to me. It confuses me and frustrate me to no end to the point where I don't want to bring up anything with him because I know I can not win. Which is exactly what he wants.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

He sounds pretty manipulative. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
Manipulation is a defensive tactic to avoid real issues and responsibility.
Best to stay on topic as well as you can when he deflects with semantics.
Based on your other posts about lack of sex, he also sounds like he's just not interested in the same kind of marriage you are.
I'm going to ask a question you may have answered already: any chance of marriage counseling to work on issues such as communication and lack of sex?
Next question: if not, are you willing to put the marriage on the line if he doesn't grow up and make room for you and your needs?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> He sounds pretty manipulative. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
> Manipulation is a defensive tactic to avoid real issues and responsibility.
> Best to stay on topic as well as you can when he deflects with semantics.
> Based on your other posts about lack of sex, he also sounds like he's just not interested in the same kind of marriage you are.
> ...


We have tried counseling. He will go to a few sessions, then tell me it's not working and stop going. He wont tell me to stop, so he thinks he is still being supportive. I agree that he does not want the same sort of relationship that I want. He wants a polite roommate sort of set up. 

As for putting my marriage on the line, I am currently trying to work on an exit strategy. My biggest hurdle is becoming financially independent from him. I'm at the point where I will be willing to stay if I see him truly trying to change, but I'm starting to emotionally detach from his as well.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ive read here that once they get the picture that you'd leave if things don't change, they start to turn around.
Does he know you're thinking of leaving?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Ive read here that once they get the picture that you'd leave if things don't change, they start to turn around.
> Does he know you're thinking of leaving?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I have told him. He said I should do what I think I need to do. It can not get more plainer than that. I guess in light of things I should not be surprised that he didn't care if I got hurt when I fell and that he didn't care enough about my own personal comfort to get the kids on the bus. Those are things a husband would want to do, not a roommate or ex-spouse. Which is what I think he thinks he is. I don't know why I look to him for comfort or affection. I guess I should work on changing that part of myself.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You're in the death spiral.

By no means am I giving your husband a free pass, but ...

you can't tell him that you are thinking of leaving and then set yourself up to be hurt because he isn't trying to be close to you.

That is an incredibly mixed message ... for the both of you.

He hasn't been giving you what you need, so you tell him you are considering leaving. But, when he continues to do what he was doing all along, you still find it unbelievable that he isn't giving you what you need.

You have a dynamic where nobody gets what they want.

Does he want to be married to you? If so, why?


----------



## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

Deejo said:


> You're in the death spiral.
> 
> By no means am I giving your husband a free pass, but ...
> 
> ...


I don't know if he wants to be married to me. When it comes up he will say that he doesn't want me to leave, but he wont stop me either. I'm so confused with him. He'll be nice one day and then completely cold the next. I never know where I stand with him. I think he wants to be married, but not have to do the work to maintain a marriage. But in all honesty I don't really know if he wants to be married to me or not. I'm only guess based on his actions and what he says.

I guess I am just feeling hurt that the down stairs neighbor actually came up to make sure we were ok after hearing the crash, but my own husband wouldn't even get out of bed to make sure I was ok. Then on top of that feeling hurt he confuses me by then acting like he cares latter when he finds out about my brother. He shows me a callous side then a caring side all with in the space a an hour and a half. I don't know what to think of him.


----------

