# confused and wayward



## married-infidel

I always thought i was strong and my marriage would always be rock solid, but i am proving myself wrong. I have begun to develop feelings for someone else. Although i know i dont love this other person nor can he love me 'in the official sense' and that this 'temporary respite' can go nowehre, i am still glued to him cos of all the things he does for me and for the way he makes me feel.

I do realise no matter how my husband treats me, i have no right to cheat on him. But i am so lonely and i cant seem to come out of this 'fling'. 

I have been married for 11 months now and this 'fling' is one month old. I have felt disappointed with the marriage from day one. I felt like he gave me no time, no attention, no love and ofcourse there was barely any sex. Even now in my pregnant state, i am fending for myself while there's hardly any involvement from his end. I feel like all he needs is that baby from me and i have no place or value in his life.

I have always believed in talking things out and taking concrete steps to resolve issues. I have tried talking to him N number of times and even suggested seeing a professional to put the marriage on track, but his ways are to avoid every conflict. He loves to sweep things under the carpet and pretend that things will resolve by themselves given time and distance.

So instead of talking of an issue, he will just sulk and distance himself and go silent till i just move on and go back with a smiling face. This has only served to bottle up my feelings and has not resulted in any resolution of issues.

Sex has been next to zero from the start (once or twice a month). And if it happened twice he would say to me, you are in luck eh - two times two days!!! like it was only for me and he got nothing out of it. I always was hurt that he didnt desire me and also that i had needs but he never bothered about them (i made several attempts to talk to him about my desires, even initiated many times but, without exception, was rejected each time and so now i am scared of initiating or even touching him without him starting it). I then discovered he is heavily into porn and masturbation. I felt hurt and betrayed. That he got off watching other naked women doing things that he could perfectly well do with me (i get a lot of attention from other men so i know that i am attractive). When i confrnted him, he point blank denied watching the stuff and said that the (hundreds of) videos are just lying idle in his laptop and he doesnt ever watch them. Later when i probed (on snooping a bit i found videos recently downloaded even during office hours while he tells me he is overworked, even has to work on sundays and so has always avoided keeping connected to me thru texts or calls citing work prezssure as his reason) he said he will delete all the videos. But his doing that has not changed a thing for us. i feel so unloved and rejected. And all this even though i have never denied him physical contact (ha ha ha, there never was an opportunity to say NO) and have even assured him that i am available whenever he want, to do whatever he wants and have also always made him feel like a great lover (whenever we did do it), so i cant guess any reasons why he would be uninterested in sex!!!!!!

And he still goes to great lengths to avoid sex (a new excuse every night). And in being preoccupied in devicing ways to avoid contact with me, he has missed giving me time or attention or communication with me. We dont do anything as a couple, he never has the time. I feel like a maid in his house. And now a baby producing machine  I spent the entire first trimester in depression and anxiety (thats when i discovered about the porn) but all he did was ignore and avoid me...

He says he doesnt want to come home to my long face and an always upset atmosphere. But no amount of reasoning can get thru to him that if only we had a normal married life, i wouldnt be so upset in the first place. I even tried being good to him no matter what he did to me and yet his behaviour did not change (i know he just blames me for everything that goes wrong so he doesnt have to take any effort to work on our marriage). He has now started coming home in the early morning hours, was a teetotaller before but has now started to drink (he keeps denying that he drinks but i get the smell sometimes and also found huge booze bills in his wallet), he hides his night activities and comes home as late as he can but i am left clueless as to where he goes, what he does, all the while giving me work exigencies as the excuse, communication was never great, but now its zero and every conversation we've had in the past or have now is cos i initiate it but it inevitably ends in an argument. 

I am hurt by all the hiding and lying and the silent treatment that he indulges in. I even involved my mother-in-law in helping us resolve our issues. But to no avail. His deleting the videos from his laptop was the only result of my MIL's intervention.

I have lost almost all respect and feelings for my baby's father and yet, for the sake of the baby i am carrying i know i will have to stick on to the marriage (dont want the baby to have a broken family). I am tired and feel like i have lost the battle. There's nothing i can do but live the way we are living right now - two strangers under one roof... my health issue of panick attacks has surfaced again, but he just doesnt care to do anything about our situation... all he cares about is his job, his colleagues at work and his porn/masturbation... he doesnt need anything else and has been happily living with it for the past many months...as long as i leave him in peace to live his life the way he wants, he is good to me...  all my dreams of a marriage, a companion, love and a family have gone down the drain, i am so lonely...

And this 'fling' at work has come as a breath of fresh air. He is so attentive and loving and there's even lot of physical attraction [altho we've not slept together, in all honestly i want to do so... i know, i know i am so wrong....  ]. I am enjoying from this man what i always wanted from my husband, but my guilty conscience is not giving me the freedom to enjoy it fully. I wish my husband would understand and change and there was more sex and more loving and caring moments between us and constructive communication and i wont feel the need for someone else. But in the meantime, i am flirting with this person at work and living in guilt at the same time. What do i do???


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## Blanca

I really feel for you. I went through the same thing with my H in the beginning of my relationship. I was so confused for the longest time because he was rejecting me, so i thought it must be me. i tried everything to get his attention, even after i found all the porn. and now i just resent him. i hated him for awhile though, so just resenting him is technically a step up.

If you think about how this will effect your child you might consider leaving. Your H is emotionally and physically unavailable. He will leave you to take care of your child. and you'll fight incessantly. You cannot avoid conflict when you have a kid. You will need help. and all the resentment that you are storing will explode but it will be over your kid, and in front of your kid. and who knows how your H will treat the child. What kind of role model is that for your child? what kind of role model will you be? how are you going to continue your fling with a child? What kind of example is that to your kid? I would never consider having a child with someone that i didnt want my kid to be like- and that includes myself. So dont pin all this on your H. you have your own emotional issues or else you would not have attracted someone like your H. if you leave him, make sure you work on you so you dont attract another problem. this fling you are having is full of your emotional problems. you are not grounded. You fly in a fit of emotional need without thinking with your head. put your feet back on the ground and start thinking about what you are doing, and what kind of relationship you need. think about what kind of mother your child needs for a secure upbringing. 

just because your child grows up with married parents does not mean your child wont still grow up in a broken home. My mother would never get divorced and now all her kids are suicidal (three have tried) one is a drug addict, and the other an alcoholic. our lives have been extremely difficult. Her husband, my dad, killed himself. Marriage is not always the answer.

Tell your H one more time, in a letter, exactly how you feel. and tell him if he ignores that you BOTH need to get help, you are leaving.


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## married-infidel

Thanks blanca...

i go thru all the questions u have asked and more, in my head all the time... but i have no answers or rather no satisfactory answers...

alll my female friends tell me, leaving him is NOT an option... why should the baby be punished for our mistakes and problems... that i should have thought about all this BEFORE i got pregnant... cos now i am responsible for the baby's well-being and have no right to bring it up without a father or in a broken home...

i tend to agree with them and thats precisely why i am sticking around with him...

i know 'the affair' is wrong... i know it is not permanent... i know it is eventually meaningless in the larger scheme of life... i also know i am just temporarily filling up the void by loving and enjoying all the attention TOM is giving me...

if you will read my today's post in - coping with infidelity section - in reply to a post from mentalradio about wayward spouses, you'll probably get an idea of what i mean...

in the meantime, i am like - hey i still have 4 months before the baby comes out, and i can continue with the fling until then cos atleast it keeps me happy and being happy is important during pregnancy... until a month ago i was so anxious and down in dumps, tears just wouldnt stop flowing...

few years ago when i had asked my husband to get me some porn to watch cos i had never seen it and was curious, he had given me a lecture as to how dirty it is and how one feels like throwing up watching the disgusting stuff etc etc... i believed him. i also thought my husband doesnt indulge in it until i found out otherwise... so he lied to me all these years and i kept thinking he probably just has a low libido... or that perhaps he's right, that my nagging and disappointments are putting him off me and that i am the culprit and the one who needs to change... and change i did... 

but nothing happened... and i couldnt take the mental stress, so i went away to live with my mum and was gone for a month, when he sends me an email saying, in all honesty he's not having any affair and that he loves only me... in response i had sent the following reply -

Will ‘all honesty’ apply to everything we discuss from here on? 

Your mail is sweet. Thanks. But I am too deeply hurt this time to fall for a few sweet sentences and just return to normalcy. 

Besides, you are skirting the issue. The crux of the matter is not whether you are having an affair (that remains to be seen, but for now I believe you). The issue is that you have cheated on me even without being physical with another woman. You have looked at and enjoyed other naked women / men and derived your sexual pleasure from their acts, when all the while I was right there. 

Do you even realise how that makes me feel? I cannot get the images I saw in your laptop out of my mind. And the picture of you sitting in front of your laptop watching all that and doing stuff to yourself haunts me day and night… 

You may still take me for a fool and may have changed your ways and means of doing it – perhaps instead of doing it on the bed next to me, you now go to the bathroom (at home, at work) and do it, use technology to fool me into believing that you no more have the stuff on your laptop, while they are right there hidden using softwares that hide files/folders etc etc. Possibilities are endless... and how much time will all this lying and hiding take to culminate into an affair? 

And to think that you dished out lies upon lies and made excuses upon excuses for not having sex with me, while all the time you were doing this. If I had not stumbled upon all that the other day, we would have continued to live a lie and I would have continued to believe you. But now all my trust and respect has been shattered. 

The issue is that between satisfying yourself sexually in your own ways and going to great lengths to avoid me, you have messed up our entire married life. 

You have been so preoccupied with finding ways to avoid getting intimate with me and blaming me for it and for every fight, every argument and everything that was wrong, that in the bargain you omitted all other normal married life activities. You made a joke of our marriage. 

Worst is that you knew all this about yourself and yet you married me. Why? Did you not know that by virtue of becoming my husband it would become your responsibility to take care of me – sexually, emotionally, morally, financially…?? 

No J, unless you talk to me frankly about sex, porn, masturbation and what you intend to do with our marriage, I am not going to be able to act normal with you. 

Unless you stop lying to me, unless you look your inequities in the eye and accept that there are serious issues and seek professional help, unless you address and resolve them, unless you genuinely work on making our marriage normal, I will have to escalate the matter to mummy and hope that she will intervene and help. 

Until then, I’m praying that the distance between us does not become irreconcilable.



..... guess what he did to my mail????? He ignored... i tried talking on similar lines several time... He ignores or flares up... i tried initiating sex, hoping that he will then now feel the need to masturbate, but he snaps at me... nothing has changed in the past 4 months since i discovered what i did...

infact he is getting further into other vices (as if indulging in more of bad stuff is the solution to our issues!!) and ignoring me and my needs during pregnancy... he is quite happy about the baby and i think wont do anything to hurt the baby when it comes out...

but neither will he do anything to do good to the baby, is my guess from all the experience of the past 4 years...

i cant leave him, i cant be with him... i am stuck... feels like my life is doomed for life... i have given up questioning him, fighting with him, arguing with him, nagging him and have left him to his devices to live the way he wants... and he's only too happy to oblige... makes no difference to him while i suffer emotionally, sexually AND physically (the discomfort and needs of a pregnancy)...


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## Blanca

married-infidel said:


> ..... guess what he did to my mail????? He ignored... i tried talking on similar lines several time... He ignores or flares up... i tried initiating sex, hoping that he will then now feel the need to masturbate, but he snaps at me... nothing has changed in the past 4 months since i discovered what i did....


Ya, i saw that coming since my H used to do the same thing. For years i did the same thing you are doing; the minute he showed even the smallest emotional involvement i poured my heart out. big mistake. after years of emotional turmoil of the worst kind, i went to counseling on my own. My counselor introduced me to the concept of boundaries. I did a boundaries exercise on the bottom of this website: dysfunctional families (the circle exercise) and it was literally a light bulb moment for me. I realized that i could share nothing with my H and i hated him for it. that was a long time ago, though. i have since worked on my boundaries by counseling, reading numerous books, among other things, and have learned a lot.

The biggest being that your H is not an object for your happiness. he has limitations that might even be beyond his control. The problem now is you wont leave so you have to force him to be what you need. That's not his fault. he's not accountable for you staying and choosing to be subject to his behavior. The initial emotional damage of hiding and lying things from you was his doing and he's accountable for that. but you know now. You know his problems. you know his limitations. You are choosing to stay and experience it over and over. So who is really hurting who?


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## married-infidel

Blanca,

I know by choosing to stay i am making a choice for which he is not responsible... But even after leaving a life as a single parent will not be as easy any which way, plus the child needs a stable family too...

At the same time, if H were doing atleast his part of the bargain, there wouldnt be so much dissatisfaction and conflict in the first place, would there be now???

And he's got such haughty attitude that nothing or noone can put any sense into him... he's the kind who despises advices, feels that he's being dictated, and does exaclty the opposite of what has been told... so unless he realises his folly by himself there is no changing our situation... nothign i say or do would help...


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## Affaircare

Married-infidel~

I've read all your posts in all the various threads, and I'd have to admit, I'm pretty concerned. We have confirmed proof that you're still with the other man up to April 7th because you said yourself you were with him doing heavy petting. And in every post of yours, I've heard a LOT of "My H this..." and "My H that..." but very little personal responsibility. 

Even if the circumstances were 100% the way you say they are, I don't think anyone here would judge you for slipping into an affair. People are human and that happens. But I will say that continuing to do what you know is wrong IS a problem. Thus before you do anything else or get any other advice, the Number One thing is that the affair has to end! You have to tell your husband, give him access to everything so he can verify you are not lying to him anymore, and have NO CONTACT with the other man ever again. 

As long as the affair continues, chances are 100% that your view of your husband and your marriage will be skewed to justify your behavior. Further, it is very common for an active disloyal to "modify history" in an attempt to explain why they have the right to do what they know is wrong! Furthermore, as I said, even if it were exactly as you've said, I don't hear you saying what YOU did and how YOU contributed at all. Thus after the affair is over, and you have confessed to your husband that you were unfaithful, the next thing I'd go over with you is the things that you did to contribute to an atmosphere where your marriage was vulnerable to an affair. 

Now...am I saying that your husband is blameless? OH NO! But a) he's not the one having the active affair and b) he's not here seeking help. You are. And if what you really want is validation for continuing your affair, I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place. From what I can see, you've been married 11 months, carrying on your affair for 2 of those (that's 9 months of marriage w/o an A) and of those, you are 7 months pregnant! That means to me that he must have slept with you at least ONCE in those first two months! My point here is that he may not be perfect, but his imperfection does not give you the right to have an affair or to behaving unfaithfully. THAT is the issue we must address before anything else.


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## married-infidel

I am willing to assume whatever responsibility in the marriage... If i have gone wrong and he points out, i am willing to accept my mistake and rectify it... I prefer to talk and sort out... I wont run away from my share of the bargain... I dont want an affair to keep me happy...

I want my husband and i want my marriage to work...

I do agree i got carried away with TOM's attention... But thankfully i had enough guilty conscience and a sense of committment to my husband, that it didnt go on for too long and too far...

He has imperfections, i agree and so do i, glaring ones i would say (impatience and temper being the huge ones)... And i even have 'resigned' myself to his (his porn addiction, his masturbation, his lying about his whereabouts and his drinking, his indifference towards me and the pregnancy, his total inclination to his job alone and neglect of his family, his refusal to include me into his life dezspite my several attempts at telling him i am there, talk to me, communicate, tell me what u need, come home on time, spend time with us etc etc)

and after all this, i still want the marriage for life... i want only him... i love only him...

But i am failing to have it and losing hope...


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## turnera

Why did you go back to him when he ignored your email?

How old are you?


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## married-infidel

i went back cos i am still hoping that things will be alright after all...

also cos i feel that i dont want to stretch matters too far by acting stubborn lest in the end i feel that if only i had tried one last time, things would have been different...

i felt that if there was one thing i could do that might make it alright i would want to... and so, when he came to pick me up, i thought let me go, perhaps this is his way of mending things... and without going back i wouldnt know... so i did...


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## turnera

> And i even have 'resigned' myself to his (his porn addiction, his masturbation, his lying about his whereabouts and his drinking, his indifference towards me and the pregnancy, his total inclination to his job alone and neglect of his family, his refusal to include me into his life dezspite my several attempts at telling him i am there, talk to me, communicate, tell me what u need, come home on time, spend time with us etc etc)


married, this is not a marriage. It is a man using you for convenience. I don't usually side with people who cheat. But I also don't think you should stay with such a man. Do the right thing and get divorced, and THEN look for someone who will cherish you (but not OM; that is immoral).


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## married-infidel

turnera

i myself never advocated cheating under any circumstances... nor did i ever think i would do it, until it happened... but thankfully i got over sooner...

i am gonna have a baby and so for now divorce is not an option... if i were not pregnant, i would already be on my way out... but now i need to work on the marriage and the security of the baby... any thoughts on what i could do...

Tanelornpete is already working on my faults...  your inputs?


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## turnera

Well, if I were you, I would:
Tell my husband that I will not be staying married to him.
Set up a separate bank account and start funneling money into it.
Visit a lawyer to see what your rights are in terms of child support and/or alimony; determine if you want to move forward with that.
Talk to my family and his - and tell them both that you are biding your time until you are ready to leave him - AND TELL THEM WHY (as it is somewhat possible that them talking to him is enough for him to change his ways, and you shouldn't overlook that chance), and ask them for advice and support.
Tell your friends your plans and ask them for advice and help.
Then, after you have done all that and have a support system for a way out, THEN look at yourself and do a last-ditch effort to stop all Love Busters (what you do that he doesn't like) and to meet all his Emotional Needs, for a concerted 3- to 6-month period. If, after this set time, he doesn't change toward you, he never will. And you have your answer.


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## married-infidel

I have done all the talking with his and my family... Also my friends...

EVeryone is of the opinion that divorcing him is not an option.. if he doesnt chnge i should just adjust for the sake of the baby...

When i discovered about his addiction, i involved his mother in the resolution process... she told him that it was not good and was ok oce a while when his wife was not around etc... he he he... a 33 year old being told by his mother to use porn and maasturbation if and when his wife is not around...

my efforts -

1. accepting all his weaknesses and addictions and moving on, giving him his space...

2. yet being there for anything he may need... showing love and support every night at whatever time he comes...

3. cooking for him and taking care of his meals etc even when he comes home and then refuses to eat...

4. supporting him with a huge chunk of money to buy the house that he has... i have a debt of around $20,000 on account of that...

5. supporting him with his career moves even at the expense of my career, even when he wants to shift bases...

Have told my H that our marriage might not work if things dont improve... his response is more delay returning from work, drinking further and staying disconnected and distant...


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## turnera

Then your family and friends are idiots. 

Sorry, but they have no business telling you to stay without a decent reason.

Basically, you are staying for financial reasons. 

What kind of example are you setting for your kids?

Not trying to be rude, but you are enabling his behavior by taking this attitude. If he doesn't eat what you cook...next time you don't cook. If he doesn't pay you back the money you loaned him, start taking the money back from HIS account to pay off the debt. 

It seems like everyone around you is telling you that it is your job to be a doormat because you are the woman and he is the man.

Are you going to spend the rest of your life living how OTHER people think you should live? Your life is too short and too precious to do that. Do what is right. If you know you've done everything you can to get him to CARE about you, then you need to leave.


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## married-infidel

That's a bit incorrect... I earn enough to be able to take care of my and my child's needs comfortably... Yes, the debt has put me in a slightly tight position, but IF i were to decide to leave, surely he will have to pay me back...

I am staying for security in the societal sense and cos a child needs both his parents to have a stable life, the baby needs a father's name... And also cos i love him and am still hoping things will be alright... Maybe there is something i am doing or not doing that if i did or not do may change things... i dont want to give up without trying everything from my end...

To an extent yes, i may be enabling his behaviour... But if i stop cooking cos he doesnt eat, it will only give him more reason to feel wronged and more reason to justify the path he has taken (this applies to every other thing that i might do to counter his bad attitude)...

I cant take money back from HIS account... we have separate accounts and unless he gives, i cant have any access... he used to give me the monthly installments for the few months in the beginning, but has stopped for past 5-6 months... he's not able to repay it seems... But he has started spending bomb on his newly acquired habits - late night outs, booze etc

So i make sure i ask him for money for my monthly expenses on food and transportation and other nutritional needs on account of the pregnancy... i feel terrible to ask for money, but with me paying off the debts from my pay, i have to ask him for it...

Yes, you are kinda right, most everyone has told me that the woman has to adjust, thats their lot and that my problems are not so huge as to warrant a divorce...

Yes, in our culture, OTHER people/society plays a big role and you follow the societal norms... my divorcing may pose a problem for other family members... his sister and my brother are still unmarried... and the stigma of my divorce may create a further hitch...

There's a lot going on behind the scenes... its not just my problem with my H - lack of attention, care, time, love and sex... its little more complicated than that...

My H is not a bad person, i just dont know why he has never bothered to mature and be responsible for his family and their happiness...


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## turnera

Everything you are describing - the parts where you are getting used - can be changed by YOU no longer allowing it. 

He has not matured because you have LET him get away with not maturing. 

You have no boundaries. You SAY what you want, you ASK for what you want, and then you go and let him do whatever he wants anyway.

I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to explain the psychology of the situation. 

Why would he ever want to change? He knows you will never leave. He knows he can take money from you and never pay it back. He knows he can chew you out and you quit asking for anything to make YOU happy. He knows he can act like a single guy and let you pay for things because you _never say no_.

How about this to start. Go to the library and get the book The Dance of Anger. It will teach you how to start enforcing healthy boundaries that protect you while at the same time reassuring the other person (not just your H) that you still love them.

Basically, it teaches you how to teach _them_ how to respect you. Do that, if nothing else.


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## Ona

My advice is to RUN and not look back. Forget your family and friends - they are not looking out for your best interests, just giving you a knee-jerk answer. 

I've been married for 16 years to a man who has never met and will likely never meet my emotional needs due to having Asperger's syndrome (a form of autism which prevents him from having empathy) which we found out about 2 years ago. For years I blamed myself and tried and tried and tried to be "good" - it just got worse. the kids are doing ok but psychologically bruised from growing up in a dysfunctional family. I now know it wasn't my fault and am trying to piece my life together.

Because my kids are older (11 and 15) I am staying in the marriage until they're grown, if I can stomach it that long. But I really wish I'd left right away. It would have been tough but probably a better situation all around.

Please don't think that just because you have a marriage license your home life will be "stable" or healthy. Children need responsive, loving parents, not just a warm body. And they need mothers whose needs are being met.


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## married-infidel

Someone introduced me to the Love Dare recently... Am trying to get my hands on the book AND the movie...

May be i can try that too...


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## created4success

married-infidel said:


> Someone introduced me to the Love Dare recently... Am trying to get my hands on the book AND the movie...
> 
> May be i can try that too...


MI:

Yeah, the movie, FireProof, though not the greatest in terms of acting, has a powerful message. I would encourage you or anyone else to get ahold of the Love Dare.

My wife and I both purchased it separately and without each other's knowledge and started using it. It's a wonderful tool, with powerful, practical ideas to do daily.


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