# To Be, Or Not To Be....



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I suspect I may be pregnant. My husband and I are struggling with the "what ifs".

When we first got married, just under a year ago, neither one of us were interested in being parents. Now that I may be pregnant, (despite using Condoms, VCF and Plan B - Obviously, we were trying to prevent a child while we wait for his vasectomy), we are pondering parenthood. He says he is open/conflicted about it, and I know I am conflicted, but open as well. He is 32, I am 31. Neither of us has any experience with babies or their care.

Finances/Living Arrangements/Emotional support are all available to us... but in the end... How can you really be sure you're ready for the late nights and 24 hour days??? And... I hate to say it... but I keep thinking... What if I don't "like" my kid when I finally meet it? I know it sounds mean, but I've never really been a person comfortable with babies/children... :scratchhead:

Currently we both work part-time, and my husband is planning on returning to school in the next few weeks.

Relationship-wise... we are planning to enter into counseling here soon (we both have been abused as children... and I was also in a violent relationship as an adult). There is NO violence between us, (THANK GOODNESS). We have some communication issues, but for the most part we get along well and we each consider the other to be our best friend, despite our problems. (Doesn't everyone have problems)??

Just feeling kind of lost and would appreciate a little non-judgmental support. I have the feeling that we will never have that "AH HA" moment if and when it comes to children. :/


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

From your post it just sounds like you don't want to have children, took all reasonable measures to prevent conception, but they failed. Based on what you say, if I were in your exact situation, I would have an abortion - after all, your H was going to get a vasectomy, to me that says you both really do not want to have children. Having an abortion won't end your fertility so if you do decide to have a child later in life, you still can. 

No one can tell you what to do - it's your body and your choice - but it's certainly likely that you are NOT pregnant - did the condom break / come off? You need to take a pregnancy test before you get too upset. They are very accurate these days.

My H and I are also childfree by choice... we use condoms also and I also have Plan B on hand in case something were to go wrong with the condom, so I understand your situation. I assume that the condom broke if you took Plan B - are you very overweight? If you are, it does make the hormones in Plan B less effective. Abortion is safe, much less expensive than raising a child to adulthood, and legal in most places - but it's obviously a very personal decision. I had a medical abortion when my birth control pills failed (I weighed 100 lbs more than I do now, that's why I mention weight up above) so I'm not just speculating. It's a very difficult thing to go through but at least in my case, it was absolutely the right decision for me. 

On the other hand, if this potential pregnancy is really making you rethink all your ideas about being childfree, you may want to reconsider your H's vasectomy. Maybe you aren't really sure that you want to be childfree after all. To me it would be a HUGE red flag not to get a vasectomy if these thoughts were coming up. That's a potentially irreversible procedure and he needs to be sure (the reversal process is not super reliable).

Good luck, I know it's a very scary and upsetting situation to be in. Think about what you really want, what your plans are for the future, what would make you the happiest. It's your life.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thank you, I appreciate your response. We are not excluding abortion as an option, as much as it pains me. I have ALWAYS been clear that I DO NOT want children... however it is a funny thing when you are in love with your husband and suddenly wondering what it would be like... How am I to be sure this isn't just a passing curiosity or a genuine change of heart?

When I ask my hubby what he thinks, he is pretty logical - says he'll support me no matter what I decide... It's my choice, etc. I ask him if he would regret an abortion he says, "I don't know". I know he doesn't want to influence my decision much because he doesn't want to be "blamed" later if I regret it. It isn't helping me not knowing how he really feels about it. I've tried to open him up by reminding him that there are A LOT of fathers out there who don't get a 'Say-So' in the matter... but he just says he appreciates my thinking of him... :/

What is really nagging me is the guilt I feel over the fact that my mother (darn her intrusiveness), telling my childless Aunt, who has graciously offered to cover ALL expenses, including us moving into a bigger house, should we have the baby. My Aunt has tried for years on top of years to have a child of her own... and I can't stand the guilt of knowing this will be a huge slap in the face to her... should I decide to abort. I know that I should have the baby for me and no one else... but having watched a family member struggle with infertility for so long, I can't help but feel a tad selfish...

Some other things for me to consider are that I've been a smoker for the last 13 years, (what better reason to quit)? I also have been diagnosed with Fibro/CFS (due to multiple accidents in cars and motorcycles). I drink alcohol on a regular basis and take perscription pain meds as needed. I just don't think I'd have a healthy baby.

P.S. Husband is not going to change his mind about the vasectomy... he is certain he wants it, no matter the outcome of our current situation.

Sorry. I am kind of working through my conflicted mind here... :/


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Thank you, I appreciate your response. We are not excluding abortion as an option, as much as it pains me. I have ALWAYS been clear that I DO NOT want children... however it is a funny thing when you are in love with your husband and suddenly wondering what it would be like... How am I to be sure this isn't just a passing curiosity or a genuine change of heart?
> 
> When I ask my hubby what he thinks, he is pretty logical - says he'll support me no matter what I decide... It's my choice, etc. I ask him if he would regret an abortion he says, "I don't know". I know he doesn't want to influence my decision much because he doesn't want to be "blamed" later if I regret it. It isn't helping me not knowing how he really feels about it. I've tried to open him up by reminding him that there are A LOT of fathers out there who don't get a 'Say-So' in the matter... but he just says he appreciates my thinking of him... :/
> 
> ...


Nothing to be sorry for! It's a momentous decision. Either way, it is something you won't forget ever - unless it's just a scare, in which case you will  . 

The aunt thing is, to me anyway, a really bad reason to bring another person into the world. ALL expenses? REALLY? College? Clothing when the child is a teenager? What if things are not perfect? My TWO closest friends both have autistic children - they love their children dearly but the expense of therapies is huge, that's just one example of the things life throws at you. You absolutely CAN NOT rely on another person financially outside the marriage. The stock market falls, your aunt loses her money, then what? Is she putting your name on the deed to a house? Okay, great. But unless that's the case, even the house is not a given. 

Your aunt could have adopted or fostered children. Did she? Infertility sucks but it's not a reason to guilt (consciously or unconsciously) another person who does not want to have children, into having them. Your aunt probably just assumes that everyone wants children as much as she does and can't imagine not wanting them. That's because that's her wiring, not yours.

My mom has fibro too, I know it can cause problems with sleep in some people (my mom has horrible insomnia that means she has to meditate for hours every day to get something resembling rest). Fibro is a progressive disease. Babies mean major sleep interruption. Not sure if this is important to you but it's something to think about. I know that my mom's condition means she absolutely could not babysit if I had children and wanted her to. I don't have fibro or know what yours is like but you do say you have CFS and to me that seems like it might be similar in you needing to find time to rest often. 

It sounds like your husband is a great guy; he knows what he wants (no children -> vasectomy) but he doesn't want to pressure you because he doesn't want you to have regrets later. You need to make the decision for you; he's made his feelings clear (he wants you to decide).

It's too late for you now but something this post brings up is exactly the reason that throughout history, a woman did not speak of her pregnancy openly until she was sure that she was going to keep it and it was through the initial stage when miscarriages are more common. People are extremely indiscreet as a species. Your mother was VERY wrong to talk about this with her sister (I hope it was her sister and not her husband's sister!) and that is really a problem she has created and it's not your fault, nor your responsibility to pick up the pieces. I'd be furious with my mother. I assume you told her not to tell anyone about it. 

I'm crazy in love with my husband too, but that doesn't mean I want to have children with him. I don't want to have children, why would the fact that they were his change that? Children are still children. The fact that they are his children doesn't change the fact that for 18 years (or more) they will be living in your house with you, and that will change your life in a lot of ways. Great ways, terrible ways, no one can say. But that's why you get to make the decision.

I'm not trying to say you should do anything in particular, just reading your post and between the lines, it looks like your motivations for having a child are guilt (that wouldn't even exist if not for someone else's rude indiscretion) and some idea that being in love makes it not okay to not want his children.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

It has indeed, been confirmed that I am pregnant.

I am very confused and lost... And so is my husband. Each of us keep flipping back and forth between wanting the baby, and being overwhelmed with the reality of it.

On Monday we find out how many weeks we are... we have come to a 'semi-agreement' about what to do, depending on how old it is.

I am concerned about the effects of alcohol, cigarette and hydrocodone consumption (prior to my knowledge of the pregnancy, obviously). There cannot be a way to know how healthy the baby is until much, much later. I am feeling a lot of guilt and mixed emotions...

The obvious cons, besides the ones I listed above, are
1.) We live in a 500 sq. ft. house with three large dogs. (Dogs are kid friendly, but space and cleanliness might be an issue).
2.) We both work part-time, and here in a few weeks, my husband will also be attending school full-time.
3.) Neither of us has 'baby experience'. Classes of some sort would be neccessary.
4.) My health problems may affect the level of care and attention I can afford to a newborn, and I will be the primary caregiver.

Pros:
1.) Well, we are both in love with the idea of having a child together.
2.) We would be able to obtain some financial assistance and care support/"training" from other family members.
3.) Husband thinks that having a baby together would bring us closer, "as a team". (I am conflicted with this logic).
4.) Husband also values going through "a new and different" experience together.

We know if we do not have this baby, we will never have a baby together... I hate to say it, but even despite our circumstances, it makes me feel kind of sad.

So, I'm just trying to work through some things right now.

One concern I hadn't anticipated was morning sickness. It hit me like a ton of bricks the other day and hasn't let up since. I can barely stand to eat, I feel bloated and nauseated constantly. I sit here at work, wondering how much worse it can get... Vomiting and fatigue have been difficult to control... but I'm still trying out different remedies. I could potentially miss work and lose pay because of it.

It seems like I keep waiting for a "lightbulb" moment... but who knows if it will ever come... ::sigh::


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I'm so sorry to hear you're not feeling well. Morning sickness sounds exhausting! 

I hope you are able to find the right answer for you. I wonder if maybe your H is rethinking his stance re: vasectomy since you say that 



> Well, we are both in love with the idea of having a child together.


If that's true for him, why does he want a vasectomy? 

I assume the vasectomy is the reason that 



> We know if we do not have this baby, we will never have a baby together.


If you're not sure about having a child, there's no need to have a vasectomy NOW. He could delay the procedure for a few years and you could think it over. 

A lot of times people recommend to re-read your post and imagine that it's a girlfriend of yours who has written it - what would you advise her? 

Whatever you decide, you're unlikely to regret your choice. If you don't have the child, you will feel relief and a sense of dodging a bullet. If you do have the child, you will love your child and not be able to imagine you life without it. Either way, you'll be fine. I hope you can come to a decision that you're happy with.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thank you  We found out today that I am 7 weeks, so potentially less damage done. My husband and I haven't been getting along very well which leaves me with a lot of uncertainty. (There's a post about in the addiction forum). We are both drained and heavy with thought. Me? I'm getting a little nutty under the influence (hormones) and frustration due to constant hang-over-like sickness. My husband is now on the "keep it" side of the fence, (convinced a baby will provide the diversion he feels I need to keep focus off of him), whereas I'm not feeling the needed comradery/safety to feel that way at the moment. I just really don't want to bring a child into the drama.. And I'm having a hard time telling how much of the drama is hormone-related... I think we might as well flip a coin at this point.. Our 'semi-agreement' seems to be null at this time. Thank you for taking the time and having the patience to respond with your ideas and perspectives. I really appreciate it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vababy (Sep 8, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Thank you  We found out today that I am 7 weeks, so potentially less damage done. My husband and I haven't been getting along very well which leaves me with a lot of uncertainty. (There's a post about in the addiction forum). We are both drained and heavy with thought. Me? I'm getting a little nutty under the influence (hormones) and frustration due to constant hang-over-like sickness. My husband is now on the "keep it" side of the fence, (convinced a baby will provide the diversion he feels I need to keep focus off of him), whereas I'm not feeling the needed comradery/safety to feel that way at the moment. I just really don't want to bring a child into the drama.. And I'm having a hard time telling how much of the drama is hormone-related... I think we might as well flip a coin at this point.. Our 'semi-agreement' seems to be null at this time. Thank you for taking the time and having the patience to respond with your ideas and perspectives. I really appreciate it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Awe...I love babies so it's hard to write this BUT if you don't feel up for having children...which is indeed one of the more difficult tasks that I have taken on in life, then perhaps adoption before abortion, but in any case, my point is...you shouldn't have it if this truly is not your desire.

During my pregnancy, I debated abortion almost everyday up until my 5th or 6th month until I could not change anything. I was scared and nervous and any other emotion under the sun. I now know I made the best possible decision as my daughter is my greatest achievement. So please don't feel alone as it is definitely a natural feeling that you are feeling...


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