# metaphorical suicide - coping and getting past



## xyanthro (Dec 16, 2011)

After 4 years of marriage my wife up and leaves, 
I had been self absorbed with my work and the difficulties of being a step father to her 4 children.
I had tell tale signs that something’s weren’t right. a sixth sense kicked in and I was ever so suspicious.
Finding a profile on social date site, and watching her attitude towards things that occurred in our household grow ever so faint, the moment I signified that I was displeased with the date site she immediately deleted it, I didn’t mention much beyond that but had an ever growing splinter stuck in my mind. knowing that very well there probably was another form of communication happening.

The children as most do are making bad decisions on a consistent basis, acting fatherly towards them only grew to frustration, more so that I’m not a biological parent, their behavior is and was beyond tolerance, and I grew hostile with dealing towards their actions. like rabid dogs they were abusing one another daily, lying, stealing, not performing the chores of the household, talking back and out right arguing. using emotional control in the form of manipulation to work my wife and I against one another. she would only placate them for their behavior, and on a few occasions vented her frustrations about me to them, only causing the most difficult aspect to maintain authority in the home.

all the while pleading my wife whom at the time was in the middle of schooling while working a part time job that things are growing worse and the lack of her presence is hurting everyone in the house.
“*our lives are falling apart and we need to fix this, this is more important then anything else*” 
verbatim my words to her.

while I was home attempting to father these 4 boys the best I could she had been living a secretly chatting life with this OM. she swears she didn’t see him or meet him while we were still living in the same house, but all indications point that to a lie, she used her schooling as an excuse to see him, the amount of fuel her vehicle had been consuming was far too great to just be with in the 20 mile radius. 

she was in the FOG of how things were while talking to him, opposed to the difficulties of marriage and life’s problems, the sexual overtone and comfort level was a blatant lie and a unreal truth in her mind, this swaying of conscience and morals in her I completely believe is the reason she stopped working with me and started to plan an escape. and she placated to her parents and her brother how I was unfit for her and her children, casting the villain stone to get help in moving out.
I believe truly this played a significant role in how this all came to bear, how she proclaimed she was done. I’m no angel by no means, I've made countless mistakes and caused a lot of emotional damage from my actions, I have a lot of improving to do, in relation to myself, I’m hard working, reverent to her and dedicated to educating the children into a better life. I had been dedicated to the marriage and working as best as possible for our success. this was my wife and her children are my children, I am the head of the household, my responsibility is to them and none other, except a reverence to the Lord.
all the while there was a distraction in her mind, she was acting weak minded towards the words I was saying and ignoring the issues that were presented by her children or the matter of our life. because she was text cheating on me with a OM whom himself was and is still married. 

She began a physical relationship with this OM, she states it was after she had left. I’m not sure this is entirely true, heaven knows how the “movies” in my mind of them two together are so destructive in my mind I might still not survive. not attempting to react too dramatically, I’ve never been so crushed by a scenario in my entire life, burying both parents and a child, seeing friends die, worrying about earning enough to maintaining our life, dealing with coming home to an empty house with a BS letter about my happiness, this information is worse then imaginable. 

more so she didn’t admit to it until I told her I knew what was going on. she had already been flip flopping back in forth with me and the OM, unsure whom she would want to have a relationship with, having sex with the both of us. this after she left. her co workers know almost fully the entire deal, and I’m positive there’s more details that have been omitted. I don’t think I can handle much more, I’m going to just pause for a bit with that instance.

she said in commitment prior to me divulging this information she wants to seek consoling and reconcile our marriage. we had even attended a session where she felt “relieved” at the end. the next day I state I know about the OM.
I had been reading posts here for about 2 weeks and had been focusing about self rehabilitation and perseverance, understand that I love my wife more then myself, I prayed to the lord for my rib, and she appeared to me, and we were together.

now with the fact of infidelity as what I consider her main reason things went so far south I’m deadlocked with consistent pain. absolute real physical and mental pain. 

we’ve spoken and I said to her, “I forgive you for what you’ve done” this was by far the most difficult set of words that ever left my mouth, I’m struggling to ensure my place in this statement, I do forgive her, she was led astray with a disease, or addiction, much like a drinking problem I have, she was unable to cope and was drawn into it headlong.
we are still on the path to reconciliation, I have thrown away all alcohol in the house and resolved to abolish this from my life. I want to be better then I was. 

she committed in statement that she truly wants to be with me, repair our marriage as best as possible, I had asked her to decide, there was no two ways about it a decision had to be made, hands down.

we’ve sent a no contact letter to the OM, I myself made 2 proclamations with in it at the head and foot, stating whom I was and posting a warning that he shall not make contact or suffer to the revealing to his wife, his family, co-workers, the general internet to which his name would be posted visibly on a website with all the details, with SEO back grounding I would expose him world wide as the slime indeed he is, this yes being opinion but enough evidence poses itself that my opinion is fact. when subjects go viral on the net there isn’t a soul that wouldn’t know this abomination my wife and this OM has performed, it’s not all too difficult to achieve this.

she has deleted his numbers and contacts from her computer and phone, but will have to live transparent with me this is a must, she will have to live with a preverbal leash for a while, until trust comes back. I’m not asking for controlling aspects of a slave to me, just moral and spiritual commitment from her.
truly I really want to take him to biblical days of the old testament and stone him to death, my actions will be non-violent, because I believe whole heartily that killing him is too good for him, the whipping post serves as a much better form of punishment, as for my wife, her work is going to be more difficult then she might be able to deal with, I want her to divulge to her parents and brother what she did, how even though I might have not been acting like a knight in shining armor to her and our family, there was a significant portion of her actions that made matters far worse then they ought to be.

I will encourage her to do what’s right, she’s noted that she understands the harm and damage she’s caused by her actions, but I don’t completely think the full cruelty has come to her in the relation of the reality of the scenario. how her children have suffered unknowingly and how they still will suffer from the changes, how I’ve come close to actual suicide by just her leaving (this from the depth of heartbreak and lack of understanding as to why things got as bad as they did) but with this information of the EA the difficulties of breathing have become overbearing to me.

I am not right, in body and soul, I feel like dying, as I am already inside. I am praying for understanding, strength and her to follow through with her commitment.
I have committed metaphorical suicide several times with in my mind

*actual harm to myself is not an option so don’t be alarmed, there would be far too many people hurt from such a selfish action on my part, yet another Burden I wouldn’t ever want to be responsible for.*

metaphorical suicide meaning I’ve killed the emotion or attempted to kill the emotional wounds from what’s happened, not burying it away but cleansing it from myself.
I love my wife more then myself. I want to get past all of the problems and become one flesh again. so far her actions state she is next to me hand in hand. 

this is day 3, I’m struggling to breathe and still filled with tears, I’m using all of Gods will to hang in there.

if anyone has any suggestions or comments how to go about recovering from this despicable scenario I would welcome any help offered.

we are and will continue to go to consoling, church and substance abuse recovery programs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As long as your wife works with you in repairing your marriage, you will get beyond the pain. It talks 2 or more years to get beyond it but a time will come when it's such a distant memory that it will no longer be there.

I do hope that your wife will work with you. Her sons need her to be there with the as well. Those boys are obviously suffering from the lack of her being strong enough to handle them.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

nice to see a BS who can eloquently state his story


a few things I think that would be helpful-


1) You need to get the whole truth from your wife. Sounds like she is still "trickle truthing" you and holding back the whole story. I don't suggest the gory details of the sex unless you can handle it. It's a hard decision to make about that as sometimes the mind movies are worse than what actually happened, but know what actually happened can make the mind movies more vivid. (the best way to handle that is to consciously change those mind movies into something absurd, like them wearing clown suits) Regardless of the sex you still need to know the hows, whens, wheres, whys etc. 

2) I think you need to present a harder line if you are to get a better response. She needs to know that if she blows it again it's over. If she won't tell you the truth, it's over. if she won't be transparent, it's over. You see what I'm getting at here. You say that you love her more than yourself and that can turn into incredible weakness and the more likely chance that she walks all over you again. Know that you had problems in the marriage that need working on but the affair is 100% hers to own.

3) Understand that this takes time. Lots of it. You can read my story in my signature to give you a good idea of the progression to healing if she does what is needed to help you heal.

4) expose the OM to his wife if he is married, do not tell your wife you are doing this, this is not for revenge but because she deserves to know the whole story to make an informed decision on her marriage. How your wife reacts to the news also tells you much of how R will go. (best case scenario she never hears of it because she is truly NC)

5) Your metaphorical suicide is not you, it was your marriage. Yes, you can improve yourself but stay true to your core. Your marriage is the one that needed death and hopefully from the ashed it will rise again but improved and infidelity free.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you have been reading here for a while you should know that exposing the OM is both the right moral thing to do,but also a smart move to protect your marriage from his future attempts to reconnect with your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xyanthro (Dec 16, 2011)

Went to a recovery meeting together. Then to church Sunday,
Consoling tomorrow, she is remorseful and thankful I'm willing to forgive.
Moving back together in a few days. 
She is not only telling me, but showing me she is wanting to make and maintain the commitment we gave to one another.

Om attempted to contact her. She started to flip a bit. Getting confused. Think it's the residual fog effect.
She did snap out of it rather quick. 
I sent my no contact letter to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

xyanthro said:


> Om attempted to contact her. She started to flip a bit. Getting confused. Think it's the residual fog effect.
> She did snap out of it rather quick.
> I sent my no contact letter to him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did he attempt contact AFTER you warned him of exposure?

If so do you plan to expose him?

I believe you should expose to his wife for your own sake.


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## xyanthro (Dec 16, 2011)

His attempt to contact her and make her understand with his feign heart how he feels about her came the same day she sent the no contact letter.

She admitted to having a confusion, because of his contact, i affirmed to her this was just the devil again monkey wrenching into her mind. that she's believing in a blatant lie, breaking any trust that was left and only making things worse for the both of us, the children and everyone else around. 

the blatant truth is he is married, he had been lying to her about his marital status, instances she witnessed shown that if his wife showed up she was supposed to say she was with one of his friends. how she could condone this is beyond my comprehension really. 

she understands and noted that nothing was as it seemed and she was looking for something that really didn't exist. there were really big warning signs this was just going to end badly. the OM already had shown a lack of respect to her, in actions, she was unclear if he was legitimately sincere and not just fooling her.

the *FOG* is the sole reason people cheat, believing in the lies they create in themselves, the lies of others, running from real issues, falling into weakness or admiring the greener grass across the fence. 

The squeaky wheel gets the oil, if you can't express yourself to your SO then your marriage will never work, you have to be open, honest and speak your mind. you have to maintain communication ALWAYS, there is no other way. 
my wife's voice is pale compared to mine, and she has an inability to speak what she wants, this is my biggest challenge, getting her voice to speak up and fear less. say what you mean, mean what you say, be strong and convicted enough to carry through with it.

I do however have to agree that this OM should just suffer his fate for his abhorring actions, truly, i would like to turn back time and stone him for preying upon my wife for her weakness.

I'm in a pregnant pause because the real issue is working with her to rebuild what was obscured. i haven't made any final decisions concerning this yet, just focusing on the important issues, the aspects of our marriage and our life, the lives of the children involved.

Now don't confuse that statement, I'm quite emotional with her, disappointing with her, angry with her, this misery i live is 100% from her actions, i might not be a saint, but i didn't drive anyone into a decision by hook or crook. and i will not allow any excuse be told that i did anything to make this reality, i might have contributed to her unhappiness, and lacking communication was the key element, but that leaving in abandonment was a decision she made based upon *FOG* lies and an unwillingness to listen and communicate. the FOG helped her ignore what i was saying, how things were falling apart, she was being fed worm-tongue's lies and took the easy way out because I'm sure it was exactly what she wanted to hear.
also i can't say i wouldn't have failed either given the reverse circumstances, we all have a weakness in our hearts, i'm no less subject to anxiety and stress from daily life, step parenting and just the uni-world-monetary problems everyone but a select few face.

I do have a hard time in the way of adhering consequences, but this is my love for her staying my hand in punishment. so far she's admitted she's hurt me beyond measure, and proclaims that she will do "anything and everything" to heal my hurt, follow any direction or suggestion to rebuild what was stained, she is willing to spend the rest of her life to make it up to me. she understands and signify that I'm pretty screwed up, when i start to break she comes and holds me, tells me she's there, things will get better, "this too shall pass"

if she had said any less then she has, or acts any differently which i have to say does not sound like manipulation or telling me what i want to hear (because she's following through in action) i would just leave, sell my belongings and walk away.

here is my no contact letter to the OM, a husbands right in relation to his love, his wife, his soul mate.

_****************,

You were told by ***** that she wishes to have no further contact with you. this is her wish, these are her words. Affirmed by me at the head and foot of the letter. this wasn’t spoken at gunpoint nor coerced in any way, she with affirmation meant every word she wrote.
During the time of your abominable contact with my wife she had maintained communication with me. with intimate relations and daily communication, she still is very much in love with me, and committed to our vows and marriage. you were only involved in a moment of sin and weakness which has passed.
I, because of regards to her and love for her, maintained a civil obedience in relation to dealing with you and this abhorring circumstance.

You, again made contact.

I will only state this one time and know that my words are affirmed and true.

You will not interfere nor contact my wife again or you will suffer a torment beyond any concept you can fathom. your family, your friends, your daughter, and co workers will know all that you have done, the world will know by the means of the internet via viral proclamation. this being the least of the amercement.
I will make you beg and pray to the Lord for an end from the severity of my prodigious wrath which will beguile you and every aspect of your miserable pathetic life.
You don’t know me, you don’t know the magnitude of my capabilities or the amplitude I will adhere in dealing with you. I know you, your address, your place of work, I know more then your fear would allow, it is my business to know my enemy, and I will not stay my hand when dealing out a capacious punishment. 

THIS IS A FINAL WARNING, THIS IS A LEGITIMATE THREAT, 
THIS IS A WAKE UP CALL.

DO NOT MAKE CONTACT WITH MY WIFE AGAIN. PEROID._


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

threatening to contact his wife is bogus

just do it


that woman deserves to know and you are intelligent enough to realize that


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> threatening to contact his wife is bogus
> 
> just do it
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

And guess what else is a benefit from revealing the affair to the other man's wife..... YOUR WIFES FOG WILL LIFT FASTER when the affair is exposed. 

Your wifes affair was an abomination and this is one thing that has to be done. *It the BEST thing you can do* to help assure that there isn't a relapse. 

Really. Read many of the other threads on here if you don't believe it.


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