# So, What Do You Do When The Ex Does Something Stupid



## Dread Pirate Roberts

Back in November - I mentioned this in a thread back then - my XW took my daughter to a volleyball tryout. It's a traveling team, so it's rather expensive. She did this without telling me first. I talked to the team, and my daughter. It wasn't the money - one of the pleasant surprises of leaving her was that even with CS and Spousal, I have more money now than I ever did with her I decided to go ahead and support my daughter, and I'm glad I did. It's been a fun 5 months, she's improved tremendously - to the point that a scholarship is a distinct possibility - and she's made new friends and grown up a bit.

So, the deal was a 50/50 split. I paid my half last year. I get an email yesterday informing me that the XW has paid nada, zip, zilch of her half, and it there anything I can do to help. I tell them that they knew the arrangement going in. They tell me after repeated attempts to contact her, she simply says she cannot and will not pay her share. Now, there are only 2 weeks left in this season, but this of course ruins any chance of my daughter returning next year. So once again, the ex, who claims to care only about her kids, has screwed the pooch royally, but doesn't care. She never even went to a single game, and now I know why, I guess.

I don't know what - or how - to tell my daughter.

DPR


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## Openminded

I remember your other thread and I'm not surprised it turned out this way. 

What to tell her? The non-sugar-coated truth. You paid your half. Your ex-wife won't pay hers (my guess is she felt you should pay it all). Your daughter's old enough to know the score.


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## Dread Pirate Roberts

Openminded,

Yeah, I was also expecting this - I've been telling my girlfriend ever since generic "please make sure to bring your accounts up to date" footers started showing up in the weekly status emails sent to the parents a few months ago. Just getting confirmation was a strange feeling, for whatever reason.

I sort of broached the subject when those appeared - "Oh don't worry, mom has a payment plan setup", she said. We will see, I said. So, she probably does suspect something. So maybe it's more of when to bring it up. I guess after this tournament.

Thanks,

DPR


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## unbelievable

If your ex is an unreliable flake, nobody knows that better than your daughter. She still lives with her. Beyond, "Your Mom and I split that and I've paid my share.", there's probably little need to say a lot more.


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## Openminded

I know it's hard to deal with a dead-beat parent. I'm assuming she still doesn't intend to get a job. Shaking my head. 

Your children will know who has their best interests at heart.


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## Pluto2

I don't think you have a choice but to say "I paid my half, you'll have to discuss this with Mom." Mom will likely try some song and dance about how hard she has it, or you're unreasonable, or some other completely irrelevant BS to shift the blame. And sadly there is nothing you can do about what she tells your daughter. Keep quiet. If your daughter tries to discuss it, you can tell her you are heartbroken for her and you wish it hadn't ended up like this. 

And it sucks.


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## zillard

This is terrible, especially if daughter is really invested and wants to go the distance. 

I'm curious - is it possible/legal to pay her half in lieu of something else?


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## karole

Were I in your situation, I would probably just pay the ex's half for my daughter's sake. It's so far into the season, I'm sure your daughter doesn't want to miss out on any tournaments, etc. I know you don't want to do that, but your daughter is going to be the one punished here, not your wife. I just wouldn't sign her up next year unless the ex paid her half up front.


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## Dread Pirate Roberts

Openminded said:


> I know it's hard to deal with a dead-beat parent. I'm assuming she still doesn't intend to get a job. Shaking my head.
> 
> Your children will know who has their best interests at heart.


Nope, Open, still no job. She made noises about going to a phlebotomy school, but as always, nothing materialized. She just had her parents move out here and in with her, so I guess she will ride that train as long as she can.



zillard said:


> This is terrible, especially if daughter is really invested and wants to go the distance.
> 
> I'm curious - is it possible/legal to pay her half in lieu of something else?


Not sure, but I doubt it. Two things I do to the letter: pay my taxes and follow that divorce decree. My daughter called my last night after her coach's tryout, all excited, asking when I was going to be up there. So yeah, this sucks.



karole said:


> Were I in your situation, I would probably just pay the ex's half for my daughter's sake. It's so far into the season, I'm sure your daughter doesn't want to miss out on any tournaments, etc. I know you don't want to do that, but your daughter is going to be the one punished here, not your wife. I just wouldn't sign her up next year unless the ex paid her half up front.


I said I had more money now, but this balance is almost $1,700, and that is something I just don't have at the moment. There are only 2 tournaments left - this weekend and next - and she's playing this weekend. I'm going to be there, and I'll talk to the team manager then. See what if any options there might be.

DPR


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## EnjoliWoman

Although I'd do anything for my kids, you'd be paying out the nose indefinitely. I'd tell you daughter the reality of the situation without bashing - just the facts. Could she get a part time job to pay for this herself going forward? 

And then I'd contact my attorney and request a modification of the current support. In my state there are certain fees that can be included in support calculations. If a child is particularly good at a sport and both parents agree to the participation then you can include the cost of lessons, extra coaching fees and necessary travel expenses. If that is the case, it might reduce your support and force her to pay. Perhaps even give you the right to deduct it from the support if she has failed to pay her share. It's worth a consult with the attorney, though.


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## jb02157

I'm very sorry you have to go through this.

Both of you know she loves going to this camp and your ex is going to do everything she can to make is seem it's your fault. Even though she knows she will hurt her daughter, it's a great way to make you seem at fault. She'll proabaly have some bull**** sob story ready for her that she can't pay but her dad can and won't. These things are tough, if arragements can't be made, the only thing your daughter will remember is that she couldn't go anymore because her dad wouldn't pay even though we all know that's not true. Women are great at shifting blame and that seems to be what's happening here. Your Ex wins either way, if you do pay her half, she's got an extra 1700 bucks she can blow on herself and if you don't she can blame you for not paying.


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## EnjoliWoman

I don't think it's very helpful to paint all women as good at blame shifting. It is certainly true with his ex and this isn't the first or the last time. I wish the OP didn't have to travel for work so he could be the custodial parent - the kids would be better off with him. But please don't generalize. We all aren't that way any more than all men are scum trying to get away with paying as little as possible.


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## Hardtohandle

@DPR

I think you did what is right in the first place. What was the point of letting the team know if in the end you still intend on paying the whole thing.. 

Your daughter needs to understand, its not fair on you really.

For 1700 dollars you could go on a short trip with her and the GF. 


@EnjoliWoman

I can tell you that not paying or paying less child support is gender neutral because my Ex wife is taking me to court to pay less child support to me.


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## LongWalk

Why not pay it and deduct it from spousal support. Document everything. Reduce your payments by some amount, such as 1/4.

Don't sabotage your daughter's sport. Definitely go and meet the coach and tell them what has happened. 

Be proud of your daughter.


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## SamuraiJack

Q:


> So, What Do You Do When The Ex Does Something Stupid?


I usually think to myself "Oh, She's awake...."


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## EnjoliWoman

LongWalk said:


> Why not pay it and deduct it from spousal support. Document everything. Reduce your payments by some amount, such as 1/4.
> 
> Don't sabotage your daughter's sport. Definitely go and meet the coach and tell them what has happened.
> 
> Be proud of your daughter.


You can't just deduct it. He'd get hit with back support - she'd just be the type to raise heck about short-pay. If she were REASONABLE, they could agree to knock $170 off each support payment for the next 10 months but we can already see she's not that type.


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## LongWalk

Makes sense.

Maybe DPR needs to look into taking his ex to court over her lack of effort.

DPR,

If your daughters lived with you more, do you think they'd be doing better in school?


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## LBHmidwest

you don't have to say anything, just show your daughter the letter and your cancelled check for payment

if you want to pay it, I agree, somehow deduct it but document

if your girl is that good, public/private school sports etc will get her scholarship opportunities, it's not all about the USVBA brainwashing crap

and I think it's rather pathetic that these Uncle Rico coaches goad and brainwash parents into thinking if they only loved their parents they'd pay extraordinary fees for these lifetime "coaches" to make a living

Gotta love it - some of these things are $1-5000 per athlete for a 3 month sport at 10 kids a pop, plus "camps" etc Not to mention all the travel

SOME kids really love it, most parent(s) love it more, especially the part about "my kid is on a select team and we are going here and here and the coach from this college watched her play and on and on and on" and the kid enjoys swimming at the hotel more than playing the sport.

we have a sick society when it comes to the sports, hover parent, possible scholarships cycle

No offense, sports are wonderful. But it's hogwash these clubs are the end all be all


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## Chuck71

As EW said..... sit your D down and explain the truth. Maybe you can pay monthly installments

Your D already knows.... trust me... how her mother is. This isn't the first letdown and definitely 

not the last D will see from her. If you can swing a deal with coaches great....

If it takes $1700 for your D to realize how selfish her mother is......in the long run that is money well spent.


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## Chuck71

LBHmidwest said:


> you don't have to say anything, just show your daughter the letter and your cancelled check for payment
> 
> if you want to pay it, I agree, somehow deduct it but document
> 
> if your girl is that good, public/private school sports etc will get her scholarship opportunities, it's not all about the USVBA brainwashing crap
> 
> and I think it's rather pathetic that these Uncle Rico coaches goad and brainwash parents into thinking if they only loved their parents they'd pay extraordinary fees for these lifetime "coaches" to make a living
> 
> Gotta love it - some of these things are $1-5000 per athlete for a 3 month sport at 10 kids a pop, plus "camps" etc Not to mention all the travel
> 
> SOME kids really love it, most parent(s) love it more, especially the part about "my kid is on a select team and we are going here and here and the coach from this college watched her play and on and on and on" and the kid enjoys swimming at the hotel more than playing the sport.
> 
> we have a sick society when it comes to the sports, hover parent, possible scholarships cycle
> 
> No offense, sports are wonderful. But it's hogwash these clubs are the end all be all


Parents who pay thousands for their kids get a newsletter, a FB page, and cool jerseys.

After the season the coach gets three weeks in Aruba..... see it all the time


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## bandit.45

Lack of committment seems to be a theme in your XW's life.


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## Dread Pirate Roberts

Hi Everyone,

Just got back from a vacation. Thanks everyone for the replies and advice. A few updates and comments:

1. I'm not paying the balance. I told the team that, and they were understanding of my situation, actually. I don't know what is going to happen in the future, though.
2. My daughter asked about a Crossfit class this summer, and if I could go 50/50. I said absolutely not, and additionaly that I was never doing any splits with her mother again after this deal, unless she proves she's already paid her share first. She knows about what happened now. At first, she tried saying her mom was going to pay, but dropped it when I told her what her mother actually said.
3. I get the point of view about the opinions on club volleyball. I saw a lot of the described behavior from parents when they played soccer when they were younger. She does this, and plays for her high school team, and that's it, FWIW. The high school team is just starting to improve, and I think this was a good experience for her. There was no pressure to do extra stuff or camps or anything like that. Of course, maybe the financial issue had something to do with that
4. There was another post here about modifying decrees, and the difficulty of it. I don't think it's a realistic option, but might investigate. Do people really get things changed because their ex doesn't even try to find work to support their kids?
5. I do talk to them about moving in with me. I think it would be a better environment, especially now that her parents have moved out here and in with them. The 5 of them are sharing a 3 bedroom apartment. However, they want to stay with their mom. I don't know if it's guilt or what, but it is what it is.

So, that's it for now. And yeah, commitment issues are her "strength", Bandit

DPR


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## LongWalk

I would definitely check and see about going back to court. But do research online first to find out what precedent there is. Is there a lawyer who has won these sorts of cases?


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## EnjoliWoman

I would think grandparents moving into a 3 bedroom house constitutes a change in circumstance. Even if they don't come live with you, maybe you can swing a 50/50 split (week on/week off?) or reduce alimony or limit it to a reasonable time for her to find employment. Worth a consultation with your attorney. And good for you on not paying for something she wants to split unless she pays her half first. You've proven you are good for your half.


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## Dread Pirate Roberts

Guess what? She just had the kids call to ask if I would co-sign a car loan. You can't make this up.


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## Chuck71

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Doesn't surprise me one bit. One poster's XW asked him to baby sit

the POSOMs kids while they went out of town. SMFH


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## Pluto2

Good god she's not very smart.


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## toolforgrowth

Chuck71 said:


> :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Doesn't surprise me one bit. One poster's XW asked him to baby sit
> 
> the POSOMs kids while they went out of town. SMFH


My 7 year old daughter recently asked if her step siblings could come over to my house sometime. I gently but firmly told her no, I don't think that's appropriate. A few days later her step sister told me that she wanted to come over and ride my dad's quad with my daughter and I. I politely told her no.

I have nothing at all against my xww's new husband, he's a nice guy who treats my daughter very well. But his kids are out of control, and they'd drive me bonkers. Not to mention if something were to happen to them under my supervision, I'm pretty sure I'd be sued into oblivion. That's a risk I'm not prepared to take.

But I have this feeling that my xww may be quietly encouraging it for some reason. They're almost never entirely kid free, whereas I'm kid free every other week. I think that may play a significant role in it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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