# What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

>>  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts  is one of the most popular & recommended to read on this Forum. 

Last night I searched my library & dusted my old copy off & skimmed through the pages once again, then talked to my husband about his L Languages. I asked him what order he felt his was in & I was delighted when he answerd exactly the same as I felt my order was (give or take the last 2), which If I had to guess, I would have had him pegged anyway.  
I found these tests online :







 Love Languages Personal Profile 







and 








 Ok Cupid 5 Love Languages Test 











(*Me* ..........11 Quality time, 8 Physical Touch, 7 Words of Affirmation, 4 Acts of Service, 0 gifts) 
(*Husband*...10 Quality time, 9 Physical Touch, 5 Words of Affirmation, 5 Acts of Service, 1 gifts)



Curious to know what Others on this forum ARE, what their spouses ARE and HOW this plays out in their marraige ? For us, it works very well, but again, we "speak" the same language - in pretty much the same order. (our Temperments are VASTLY different though)












Another Highly recommended Book >>> His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ~ these are the Core Emotional Needs addressed in that book....



> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> ...










 Emotional Needs Questionnaire









........


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Nice post, SA. I think my h and I are fairly alike as well and very similar to yours, but I think we both had 'gifts' as last. I felt obligated to let him know that I still love flowers, etc. once in a while though...didn't want him to take this too literally! I think we both like personal cards better than anything else though!


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## Millania007 (Nov 16, 2009)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Words of Affirmation-27%
Quality Time-23%
Receiving Gifts-0%
Acts of Service-17%
Physical Touch-33%

Nice post SA!
we got the same score for physical touch, definitley the most important for the both of us
As you can see I am not a materialistic person, gifts are not that important to us, in fact there have been some holidays where we only get our family gifts but not ourselves due to money issues
Quality Time is SO IMPORTANT! 
This is a great post


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Interesting..I'll bite.  I'm thinking that my score is based on what I want/need from the relationship, rather than what I actually have. 

Words of Affirmation-27%

Not quite sure what this means. I'm assuming saying nice things to one another? My husband is a very secure person but I'm not. I have low self esteem and don't take criticism well at all. I'm always wanting to be told that I'm a good person, that I'm liked and accepted. Probably because my parents were so critical of me as I was growing up. I crave praise from my husband. Unfortunately my husband can be critical and down on me at times so this probably is something I'm desperately looking for. 

Quality Time-33%

Again, for a good portion of my marriage I didn't have this. For years we were cold and distant and did everything separately. Many times I would beg him to do things with me, only to be turned down and/or ignored. Only recently have we started changing in this regard and spending good times together as a couple. So time spent together is definite "proof" and reassurance to me that our relationship is good. When we don't spend time together it's not good IMO. 


Receiving Gifts-0%

I'm a VERY picky person to buy gifts for. I have very particular tastes. It's rare that someone gives me a gift and I like it unless I put my own input in. In fact, I'd rather just buy the stuff I need for myself. When my husband does surprise me with something like flowers I'm pleased but I'd much rather go out to dinner or to see a concert or go kayaking together. 

So given a choice between being given a gift or saying "Hey, let's go do dinner this Saturday" I'll always take dinner. 

Acts of Service-10%

My husband is very good about doing stuff around the house, helping with the kids, even when our marriage was awful. He has a strong sense of responsibility and duty to his family. He's a great provider so I guess I've never lacked in this so I don't crave it. 

Physical Touch-30%

Not surprised this ranks high. Even now, I'm much needier in this respect than my husband. I crave constant affection and touching. He's better but still not quite what I want. It's rather interesting that he is somewhat amused at how good my mood is after we have sex. To me, it is rather obvious.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*



Freak On a Leash said:


> Interesting..I'll bite.  I'm thinking that my score is based on what I want/need from the relationship, rather than what I actually have.


 Sounds like your husband has stepped up some in these areas for you though. Would he take the test if you asked? I wonder how close your scores would be , or how far off - if you had to take a stab at his , what do you think they would be, in what order? 

Not sure who would have gifts at a high percentage - maybe some who marry "more" for money ?? I think Gifts is typically at a lower rank for most. 

I know I have a couple of girfriends who, although they never took this test, I am pretty sure "Acts of Service" is a MAJOR deal for them, they will not even have sex with their husbands until the whole house is cleaned, laundry put away or getting some help from him on a daily basis- like it was a chronic complaint that he never helped them. But for the husbands, it was Physical Touch (I wonder if ANY man has another for his top!), one of them ended in divorce over these issues. 

I think anyone searching for LOVE, online , anywhere, should ask their prospective partners to take this test, to get some idea -how they VIEW love being given & received.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Tried getting my wife to read this book but she didn't really seem to care too much for it..
But we both took the test anyways, and surprisingly we finished at about the same..cant remember the percentages..for me the order was something like this:

Physical Touch 
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of Services
Gifts

Although her test results were about the same, I know that it's not the same...the test is somewhat faulty, for example..it'll say something like "what would you rather want...sex or go for a walk together?" I mean, everybody is gonna say sex over a walk..even if that's not your primary love language.
It would take more than just 10 questions or so to really find out...
Because after being married for almost 3 years I would say my wifes languages would be like this:

1: Quality Time
2: Gifts
3: Acts of Service
4: Physical touch
5: Words of Affirmation

*notice how my #'s 1 and 2 are her #'s 4 and 5?
Now would anybody be surprised why I'm so frustrated in my marriage? 
In Giving Love, people tend to Love somebody in a way that they would like to be loved back, so if Your always grabbing your spouse's ass, or massaging their neck...or little kisses before you go outside and so on..then that probably means that you would like your spouse to do the same...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*



SimplyAmorous said:


> Not sure who would have gifts at a high percentage - maybe some who marry "more" for money ?? I think Gifts is typically at a lower rank for most.


I know one person who would score high. My mother. Don't get me started. 

I'll try and bring it up to my husband. I'm curious about how he'd score.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Got my husband to take the test. Here goes:

Words of Affirmation-13%
Quality Time-27%
Receiving Gifts-3%
Acts of Service-30%
Physical Touch-27%

It's pretty much what I expected. My husband is fairly secure so he doesn't need praise and reassurance like I do. He's into quality time spent together so our scores are quite similar there. 

Gifts? I'm not a huge gift giver (actually I stink! ) so I can see him wanting more. 

Acts of service is interesting. His score is MUCH higher. Pretty is what I expected in that I'm not the "doer" he is. He definitely outshines me in that capacity. I need to work on that. 

Physical acts..I guess we are quite similar in our needs there. Interesting.  I think both of us want that out of our marriage and that's a good thing.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

The Mrs. hasn't taken it yet, but here is my results.

Words of Affirmation - 10%
Quality Time - 33%
Receiving Gifts - 3%
Acts of Service - 33%
Physical Touch - 20%

My results didn't surprise me at all. I've always known my primary love languages are Acts of Service and Quality time. As far as the Mrs. I am going to have to assume (until she takes the test tonight) that she will be highest in Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*



Crypsys said:


> The Mrs. hasn't taken it yet, but here is my results.
> 
> Words of Affirmation - 10%
> Quality Time - 33%
> ...


 Interesting, a man who does not have Physical Touch as #1 so it really means MORE to you that she does __________________(fill in the blanks) than getting some attention later in bed. *Really*? 

Or maybe you feel very strongly about Acts of service if she is not 'doing her part" at home when you are at work. I can see a man struggling with this -IF he is not getting his meals on time or the house needs cleaned. 

THe lack of something might make us feel it is #1 when really it may NOT be. Possibility?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*



SimplyAmorous said:


> Interesting, a man who does not have Physical Touch as #1 so it really means MORE to you that she does __________________(fill in the blanks) than getting some attention later in bed. *Really*?


Other then a few spots (short term less than a few months) here and there in our marriage our sex lives haven't been a big issue for me. I've been pretty good (patting self on back) of fulfilling most of her emotional needs. I find as long as I do that, shes more then willing and able to fulfill my physical needs. I am not a touchy-feely sort of person by nature. I've had to work hard to make sure I hold her, hug her, cuddle with her. So maybe I don't score high on that because my needs are being met?



SimplyAmorous said:


> Or maybe you feel very strongly about Acts of service if she is not 'doing her part" at home when you are at work. I can see a man struggling with this -IF he is not getting his meals on time or the house needs cleaned.


More then likely, yes. Getting the Mrs. to do something for me is like pulling teeth. She's good about doing a bit of housework, etc. I can live with doing most of that. What frustrates me though is her not doing things like doing the grocery shopping, or running an errand for me, etc.

For an example last night I got off work at 5:10, I taught a Karate class from 5:45-6:30 and took a Zumba class with the wife from 6:45-7:45. I had asked her earlier in the day if she could get my clothes from the cleaners and stop by the store to get a few items we needed for the boys lunch tomorrow (She gets off of work at 3:15 and did not have anything scheduled till the Zumba class at 6:45). She didn't do either. I ended up after class going to the store (Didn't get home till 8:45) and I had to go to the cleaners this morning. Her excuse to me is that she can't do all of those things when she has the boys. My response back to her has always been "Why is it then I can do all of that when I have the boys, but you are unable to?". It would then devolve from there into a fight. Honestly while I would love for her to do those things for me, i've accepted that acts of service is one of the things she doesn't do well. I can overlook that as everything else she does is great.


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## matt p (May 6, 2010)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

heres mine..

As she is cold and distant right now, hard to get her to do the test..didnt lie its how i am 

Words of Affirmation 6 
27% 
Quality Time 8 
0% 
Receiving Gifts 
13% 
Acts of Service 4 
40% 
Physical Touch 12


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

My numbers might be skewed here. I had a little trouble because I’ve trained myself to see acts of service from DH as his expression of love so I had to remind myself that it’s about me, not about what I interpret from him  I haven’t had him actually take the test but I know for a fact that Acts of Service is at the top probably followed by Physical Touch. Here are my results:

10 - Words of Affirmation 33%

I love to hear nice things from DH. He likes hearing them from me as well but I think that I get a little more out of it than he does. I keep old letters he’s written me and cards that he's written notes in, I love to go back and read those things. 

9 - Quality Time 30%

This is something that has changed for me, probably in just the last year or two. I value our time together so much more than I used to. As we’ve started communicating more and in a better way, I’ve really come to appreciate it. 

2 - Receiving Gifts 7%

Meh, I’m not big on gifts. He loves to spend a lot of money on them but he could spend $5 or $500 and it wouldn’t matter to me, it’s the thought that counts. DH’s family are all big gift givers and I’m guessing his percentage would be a little higher. 

6 - Acts of Service 20%

This is where I got a little muddled. I know that when he goes out of his way to do an extra chore or something, it’s an expression of his feelings so I accept that and try to respond in kind. 

3 - Physical Touch 10%

Another meh, I’m not big on it but I know this is important to him so I make sure to kiss him hello and goodbye all of the time and sit close on the couch, hug him for no apparent reason, etc.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Me
physical touch - 33%
time together - 33%
acts of service - 23%
words of affirmation - 7%
gifts - 3%

Her - she hasn't taken it yet. 

I think she would be pretty aligned with my answers. 





WantsHappiness said:


> My numbers might be skewed here. I had a little trouble because I’ve trained myself to see acts of service from DH as his expression of love so I had to remind myself that it’s about me, not about what I interpret from him  I haven’t had him actually take the test but I know for a fact that Acts of Service is at the top probably followed by Physical Touch. Here are my results:
> 
> 10 - Words of Affirmation 33%
> 
> ...


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## tryinginflorida (May 7, 2010)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

New here, took the test my results are:

Physical Touch - 30%
Word of Affirmation - 27%
Quality Time - 20%
Acts of Service - 17%
Gifts - 7%

Any comments would be appreciated


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Mine are 
30 %Words of Affirmation 
23 %Quality Time 
7% Receiving Gifts 
10% Acts of Service 
30% Physical Touch 


Wife's are
27% Words of Affirmation 
20% Quality Time 
13% Receiving Gifts 
33% Acts of Service 
7% Physical Touch 

We match up pretty well on many things. Our separations are obviously Acts of Service and Physical Touch. I try to do things to help her as often as I can and she tries to give me hugs and cuddles and kisses.


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## Fido (Feb 9, 2011)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Mine:
33% Quality Time
30% Acts of Service
20% Words of Affirmation
10% Physical Touch
7% Gifts

Hers
40% Acts of Service (I was not surprised about it, she likes it when I serve her)
27% Quality Time
23% Physical Touch
5% Gifts (that one surprised me, she always made a bigger deal than that about gifts.

Nice test, but I agree, these few questions don't say it all. But they for sure give a nice idea of similarities and discrepancies.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

I'm glad this got bumped! I am going to send the link to my H. I read the book last summer.

Here is mine:

40% Quality Time
23% Acts of Service
20% Words of Affirmation
10% Physical Touch
7% Gifts

I should go see what I turned up as in the book quiz.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

I'm quality time/physical touch and he's words of affirmation. When I first started reading the book, I thought for sure he was Acts of Service. But that was how he showed love. For years, I've been telling him I need affection and that I wanted time for us. I didn't get why he didn't want to spend time for me. Well, it wasn't important. I also did a lot of damage by telling him once that I thought we had fallen out of love, and then another time when I didn't support a career change he wanted to make. If I only knew these things now!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

My SO's biggies were physical touch and quality time. My biggie was acts of service (the others ranked so low on mine as to be negligible).

I have to make a daily, conscious effort to remember what is important to him. So I make sure he doesn't always have to be the one to initiate ANY kind of physical contact. He loves the cuddling, hugging and a kiss out of nowhere for no reason except to kiss. I literally remind myself of that daily. I also get my heinie off the computer in the evenings (most of the time, for awhile) and just go BE with him. He is the happiest man in the world if I go and lay my head in his lap. 

I don't know if he has to consciously remind himself of my love language or not. I honestly think the "acts of service" just comes naturally to him, in an effort to please me or make things easier for me. I absolutely HATE pumping gas. I can't express how much I hate pumping gas. He will check my car, and when it's getting low on gas, he'll go put gas in it for me. If you ask me, the man knows how to get laid.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Mine is:

Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation

His is:

Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation

Total opposite sides of the spectrum...but working on it!


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Here is my score

Percent Language Score
17%
Words of Affirmation 5 
27%
Quality Time 
8 
7%
Receiving Gifts 2 
30%
Acts of Service 9 
20%
Physical Touch 6 


Will say I don't think it is very accurate since there were some options where neither really applied to me and some where both were equally important.... Being honest..

I love physical touch... I feel loved when a person can show they really KNOW me (gift or act)... I like surprise help with things, I like when the details are noticed, I like the dumbest gifts that just show you were thinking of me when you saw it over any big thing, 

Love to me is just seeing me and knowing what I like. Pay attention to what I say, if you don't get it ask, and even if you don't understand why my emotions are what they are, recognize they are mine and react to them (not what you think I should be feeling) and validate them as real (even if you think they are insane)  it's what I would do for him


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## Maggie M'girl (Apr 18, 2011)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

I have read the book as well and loved it. My quiz results were slightly different than the online quiz:

Physical Touch 37%
Quality Time 27%
Words of Affirmation 20%
Acts of Service 13%
Receiving Gifts 3%

The books quiz gave me a double language of Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. I can't get my husband to read the book but he was willing to take the quiz and got Quality Time as his language.

It's pretty simple for me to meet his needs as spending time with him is something I enjoy. He struggles a lot more with my needs, he just doesn't seem to grasp the importance....he trys his best though. It has caused some serious conflicts for us though. I am the high drive spouse in our marriage and he has a much lower drive, it's been a hard hit on my confidence and esteem. 

We are working on it though.....


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Oh, I love this thread! Can't believe I missed it before. I have the book and read it ages ago, I need to pull it back out.

*My results:*
Physical touch: 30%
Quality Time: 30%
Words of Affirmation: 20%
Acts of Service: 13%
Receiving Gifts: 7%

*Husband's results:*
Physical Touch: 7%
Quality Time: 27%
Words of Affirmation: 23%
Acts of Service: 30%
Receiving Gifts: 13%

This is interesting because, for the first 4 years of our marriage, I pushed my husband away physically, yet I needed it so much. We got pregnant soon after marrying and quality time became zero after the baby was born. He spent all his time doing acts of service and buying me little things to show me love, which of course, were sweet, but aren't my strong love languages. We were extremely disconnected for years.

I'll have my husband do the quiz later. I've no doubt I've completely missed the mark on his love languages as well. More things to work on


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Mine is physical touch and quality time.

His is GIFTS (can you believe it???) and words of affirmation.

Total opposites and it's been a struggle. BTW he took the quiz and got physical touch but it's so NOT TRUE as evidenced by the part where he can go much longer than me without sex. My theory is people who have gifts as their love language are less likely to admit it. Only reason I figured it out was I took a long look at how HE expresses love to me and others. He's a spender, likes to treat, loves birthday parties and Christmas...why? The gifts of course plus being made to feel special with decorations, a cake, a special meal, etc.


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

I've taken the test about 10 times. Every time it comes out pretty close to this:

Physical Touch 33%
Quality Time 30% 
Words of Affirmation 27%
Gifts 7% 
Acts of Service 3% 

I don't know what my wife's is, she won't take the test or read the book. She won't even really discus it in counseling. But if I had to take a guess it would be something like this:

Need for Drama 45%
Attention Seeking 30%
Quality Texting/FB Time 22%
Shiny Things 11%
Avoidance of Sex 11%


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*



Mike188 said:


> I don't know what my wife's is, she won't take the test or read the book. She won't even really discus it in counseling. But if I had to take a guess it would be something like this:
> 
> Need for Drama 45%
> Attention Seeking 30%
> ...


:rofl: Thanks I needed a good laugh this morning. I think you are describing my sister except she doesn't text much. Her top 2 would be need for drama and attention seeking. I pity her boyfriend.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

I'm Pinky, my wife is The Brain.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*



Mike188 said:


> I've taken the test about 10 times. Every time it comes out pretty close to this:
> 
> Physical Touch 33%
> Quality Time 30%
> ...


Thank you, thank you!!! I needed the laugh today as well 

Shiny things...bahahaha!

On the other hand, I'm sorry that it's a reality for you.

BTW, your wife must be pretty demanding, her totals add up to 119%


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*



Mike188 said:


> This is no lie, her name is Amanda but at work she has been given the nickname of DEMANDA.


Ouch! I'm so sorry.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

37% Touch
30% Quality Time
20% Word Affirmation
10% Acts of Service
3% Gifts

I forget hers, which she did a few weeks ago, but was something like:

33% Acts of Service
25% Quality time

I forget the rest. She surprised me with #1 because she never really gives me any positive feedback on the extra things I do for her. Quality time would seem to be number one. 

When I have pointed out how important touch is to me she seems to do it less. As if to make me suffer more. Sad.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Love languages have intrigued me since I first saw them mentioned on TAM & checked out the 'quiz'.... now, apologies for not reading all the thread but I remain mystified about one aspect, which for me is fundamental. 
I came out physical touch/words of affirmation equal top, then on down. He came out Acts of Service, words of affirmation, then on down. 
But what does this mean? Does he like ME to show HIM my love by using Acts of Service or does he prefer to show ME his love by using Acts of Service? Same question for me, etc etc. 
I know either way it's a useful bunch of information, I just wish I was clear about exactly how to USE it to improve our relationship (which incidentally, by phone last night he said he's much more positive about and actually thinks we'll make it through smthumbup..... which was a double edge sword because that means up to now he didn't but hadn't told me) 
So, back to Love Languages, which way round is it?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

^ It's been a while since all this...

Anyways, for example; let's say the missus got higher for physical touch and words of affirmation, it means; that's her love language, that's how she 'interprets' love and how she wants to feel loved. So as a hubby; I have to make her feel loved through this language. Started to let go of my pride and tell her how much I really admire and adore her. 

But then for me I have acts of service and quality time; I enjoy romance as well as a woman who takes pride in our home and family, she was already great with the house and our daughter but was lacking in the romance part for a while (due to her nymphomaniac tendencies). However, she let go of that and understood my language more, how I need some 'buildup' before the flop etc.

We've been quite passionate this year really, sometimes I get bored though. Like REALLY bored. Still thinking of ways to start a fight but we've kinda run out of ideas. 

So now I'm thinking of pranks YouTube - ‪Most Awesome - Crazy Couples Pranks (2)‬‏
Well, at least it's better then starting fights out of boredom!!!! Heh


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*



RandomDude said:


> (SNIPS) _
> Anyways, for example; let's say the missus got higher for physical touch and words of affirmation, it means; that's her love language, that's how she 'interprets' love and how she wants to feel loved. So as a hubby; I have to make her feel loved through this language. Started to let go of my pride and tell her how much I really admire and adore her.
> But then for me I have acts of service and quality time; I enjoy romance as well as a woman who takes pride in our home and family, she was already great with the house and our daughter but was lacking in the romance part for a while (due to her nymphomaniac tendencies). However, she let go of that and understood my language more, how I need some 'buildup' before the flop etc.
> _


So our languages are similar to those examples, meaning (sorry to be pedestrianly slow about this but I want to be clear!!) 
That my OH should be attempting to provide the physical touch and words of affirmation - such as how much he admires, cherishes, adores me etc. that I crave, and I should be (maybe not doing more housework, he knows that would be MEGA!!!) making sure errands are done when he's given plenty of notice, MAYBE doing a bit of dusting from time to time if he's particularly sneezy, that kind of thing? and actually also letting him know he's loved and admired, because he too had words of affirmation. I know I've made light of it, but is that what it's about? Doing stuff that doesn't come naturally in order to fulfil a need in your partner which helps them feel loved because you're expressing it in ways they relate to?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*



madimoff said:


> Doing stuff that doesn't come naturally in order to fulfil a need in your partner which helps them feel loved because you're expressing it in ways they relate to?


The part where it doesn't come naturally is key in my marriage. It's pushing myself out of my comfort zone to meet his love language needs instead of just giving what I want.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Yes, that's what it's about - your spouse's needs, not yours.

Over time you'll also realise that these languages may change, people grow, people change, and new issues arise when couples grow apart during these changes, instead of growing together.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*



madimoff said:


> So our languages are similar to those examples, meaning (sorry to be pedestrianly slow about this but I want to be clear!!)
> That my OH should be attempting to provide the physical touch and words of affirmation - such as how much he admires, cherishes, adores me etc. that I crave, and I should be (maybe not doing more housework, he knows that would be MEGA!!!) making sure errands are done when he's given plenty of notice, MAYBE doing a bit of dusting from time to time if he's particularly sneezy, that kind of thing? and actually also letting him know he's loved and admired, because he too had words of affirmation. I know I've made light of it, but is that what it's about? Doing stuff that doesn't come naturally in order to fulfil a need in your partner which helps them feel loved because you're expressing it in ways they relate to?




Yes, Generally if you are a Physical toucher yourself, it comes completely natural to you to want to lavish this on your partner. 

Or if you LOVE & relish gifts , chances are you would take great pride in selecting them, wrapping them and attach special meaning to each one. I used to know an older lady-she was almost 90, she seriously saved gifts she was given over 50 yrs ago, she could tell me exactly who gave them to her, when & why, great pride in this. She also loved to give gifts. This had to be the top of her love language list. 

This is why I feel & will teach my children to Try to find someone with similar LOVE Languages, cause I think it is like fighting the wind if you have a spouse with extreme opposites, it would likely get on your nerves if you craved more physical affection and they wanted to help you clean the house, feeling that should be enough. That would blow my top! 

Or wanting more time, but husband brings you gifts instead. We need to fundamentally understand what makes each other feel loved, and the more natural that comes to us, the "easier"- more free flowing giving JUST IS for us. 

I suppose not everyone gives what they want in return, but it GENERALLY is supposed to work this way. That is why men are often going to the women's crotch so quickly in sex, cause that is what THEY want, not realizing this is rarely what the woman wants, she likes touched all over. 

Don't we instinctively Do what we "want" (I know I do) -unless we are told differently or enlightened somehow, and vow to make it a new habit, a new way of life to please our partner.


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*



Mike188 said:


> I've taken the test about 10 times. Every time it comes out pretty close to this:
> 
> Physical Touch 33%
> Quality Time 30%
> ...


I shared this with our marriage counselor today. She laughed her ass off. Of course my wife was not there. The counselor said she shares my love of sarcasm, but said that my wife wouldn't appreciate the humor in it. Maybe she's right.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Tried couldn't take it I can't pick I liked both of the options everytime.......


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

I am overwhelmingly a physical touch guy (sex, backrubs, slow dancing, making out/foreplay/oral) with words of affirmation and quality time as secondary. Wife I believe is acts of service and QT.

I DEFINITELY project the physical touch towards my wife, always wanting to hug, kiss, caress, etc. even when we aren't about to have sex. I don't think it means the same to her as it would to me. Sometimes I would just kill for a really good backrub. . . I'm sensitive about words as well and I think more so in the negative; I get really agitated if she uses a harsh tone to scold or nag me about something. I always find myself rephrasing things for her to say, like "You could have just said, yes, the dishwasher is clean, without making a fuss over it!". Conversely, when she tells me how awesome/handsome/good with the baby I am I just want to melt.

acts of service is kind of tough because she really likes to do things herself and is really particular about how things are done; but she is always appreciative if I do something extra or above/beyond what's expected. I'm a little embarrassed to admit it but she is generally more handy around the house than I am.

Quality time is a no brainer for either of us though.. we love to go on drives to the mountains, restaurants for date nights, and we do our best to have an in-house date night (meaning put the baby down earlier) every wednesday when we can.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*



nader said:


> I am overwhelmingly a physical touch guy (sex, backrubs, slow dancing, making out/foreplay/oral) with words of affirmation and quality time as secondary. Wife I believe is acts of service and QT.
> 
> I DEFINITELY project the physical touch towards my wife, always wanting to hug, kiss, caress, etc. even when we aren't about to have sex. I don't think it means the same to her as it would to me. Sometimes I would just kill for a really good backrub. . . I'm sensitive about words as well and I think more so in the negative; I get really agitated if she uses a harsh tone to scold or nag me about something. I always find myself rephrasing things for her to say, like "You could have just said, yes, the dishwasher is clean, without making a fuss over it!". Conversely, when she tells me how awesome/handsome/good with the baby I am I just want to melt.


I'm the exact same way. I think I could survive on physical touch and words of affirmation alone. My husband, on the other hand, scored *very* low on the physical touch part and seriously doesn't like being touched very often. At all. He'll actually push me away if I get too touchy. He loves being around _my family_ because they are very much *non-touchy* people and _his family_ is very warm and touchy to show they care. He says he can't stand his family being so affectionate physically. I really can't identify. Hence why I love his family so much. 

It's unfortunate how our natural tendency to try to make our spouse feel loved by using the things that make us feel loved. I'm big on complimenting because I love compliments myself. I have to really try to not to get too touchy with my husband because I know he doesn't like it like I do and quite honestly gets annoyed with it at times. I have to make a conscious effort to focus on doing things that make *him* feel loved, not myself. I really do wish they were the same things, sometimes, though.


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## the-songbird (Sep 6, 2011)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Words of Affirmation: 30%
This is huge for me. I really need to hear that he is proud of me for working so hard, or that he thinks I'm beautiful, or that my outfit looks cute, etc. Words just have such an effect of me. If he says something nice, I can feel warm and happy about it for a few hours, and the same goes with something insulting or negative - I can feel upset for hours. He doesn't really understand that yet, but I have faith that he will. We're still very young in our marriage.

Quality Time: 27%
I love being around my honey. Just little things, and new experiences with him make me happy. For example, we plan to go apple picking in a few weeks here, when fall picks up, and I'm so excited to do so. I can't tell if it's as important to him. I'll have to have him take this test! 

Receiving Gifts: 17%
Doesn't have to be expensive, doesn't even have to be store bought. Heck, he could bring me home a dandelion and I would love it, because it would show me that he was thinking about me during his day. He saw that dandelion and thought, "Oh, she loves yellow. She'll like this." You know? And I'm the type of person that LOVES giving people things, and making people things, so it fills me up to find little things for him as well.

Acts of Service: 10%
Eh. I mean. It's nice if he does something for me - don't get me wrong. I appreciate it and think it's wonderful, but it isn't what fills me up the most.

Physical Touch: 17%
This will be [I'm guessing] one of my husband's top scored Love Languages. And it is one of my least. This has been affecting our marriage greatly. I haven't been giving as much as I should have. I love holding hands and being near someone, and kisses, but it isn't the most important thing to me.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Physical touch is important to me. I was thinking about this after taking the quiz and realized this extends to friendships also. Those closest to me, are the type of friends that give and receive what I call "real" hugs. I observe hugs the way a business person might observe handshakes. I feel somewhat put-off if someone gives me a pat-on-the-back type of hug. It makes me question their caring towards me, are they being fake, or wonder if they're uncomfortable with me. While this might be true, it could also be that it's just not the language they speak! 

With my H though, I love giving and receiving massages, hair strokes, hugs ....and of course sexual intimacy. Here's our results which were VERY similar. This actually surprised me a bit.

*ME* 
Physical Touch: 33%
Quality Time: 27%
Words of Affirmation: 23%
Acts of Service: 13%
Receiving Gifts: 3%

*My H*
Physical Touch: 33%
Quality Time: 27%
Acts of Service: 20%
Words of Affirmation: 17%
Receiving Gifts: 3%


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

I am reviving my own thread....just to relay a story about an older couple I personally know..., I've sat & ate lunch with them a # of times, been in & out of their house, witnessed their marriage in action, I do a job for them so I have gotten to know them over the past year very nicely .... ...that just illustrates how easily these love languages flow within a marriage ... when they are in sinc with each other...

Now, she is an excellent Cook , I enjoy getting recipes from her, so I asked her one day "How often does your husband compliment your cooking? ".... she says immediately "Never", she wasn't upset or anything....then goes on to tell me something I would have a hard time believing... 

.... she told me they have been marreid for 39 yrs and he has ONLY complimented her *ONE TIME*..... it was 19 yrs into their marraige (or she said 10 yrs - would it matter !!) ....she remembers the day, the black dress she was wearing , where she was and she almost fainted... I looked at her , my mouth hanging on the floor.... and said "....Well I can tell you one thing without a shadow of a doubt, *Words of Affirmation *is not very high on your list or you would want to take his head completely off "! 

Now I really was SHOCKED, I know this couple well, they ARE happy-obviously these things don't bother her, she says he makes up for it in other ways... they have a GOOD marraige. 

We talked some more, we established they are both *"Acts of Service*" being #1 with "*Gifts*" following right behind... It was very obvious to me that "Time" was not a big thing for either of them.... she would be making her quilts, planning things for the community, talking on the phone with friends, busy within the home doing her own thing...... he would be out fishing, hunting, in the garage, in the basement ....always doing little deeds for her, and she seemed delighted with this, his running to the store, fixing something.... even HE made "gifts" for friends, they showed me this Playing card board he constructed for 2 of his guy friends.... They enjoyed cruises and bus trips. 

A marraige made in Heaven. Same Love languages on top.

On the way home, I was thinking to myself.... there is no way on this side of life I could be matched with man like that, he might be a great guy & all ...but I would be vehemently annoyed with someone who didn't feel the DESIRE to compliment once in a while, a little flirting (how unromantic & roommatish !).... he'd be more pleased with himself that he brought me flowers -over cuddling up over a movie during his off days. 

Now...their marraige is likely as happy as ours..... there's flows very naturally just loving as they do ... they are harmonously matched - as I feel my own marriage is...... but what we enjoy is a total 180 of the other. 

For Valentines in a few days, they will likely exchange chocolates Or some elaborate gift for each other..... all me & mine will think is ...Our Gift IS each other... lets get naked & a little verbal ravishing & mushy talk is icing on cake! No material gifts necessary , no chocolate, jewelry or flowers can compare to a simple roll in the hay- for me.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

One thing I keep seeing on this thread is people who see 'gifts' as physical things only.

In the book a big part of gifts is being there for your spouse at difficult times like loss of parents/funerals, birth of babies... times when you want nothing more than your H or W's hand to hold or maybe shoulder to cry on. I wonder if some folks here would see that as quality time??

I have this book but we haven't done the quizzes for a while. think I'll get it out and have another read. Great book.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*



waiwera said:


> One thing I keep seeing on this thread is people who see 'gifts' as physical things only.
> 
> In the book a big part of gifts is being there for your spouse at difficult times like loss of parents/funerals, birth of babies... times when you want nothing more than your H or W's hand to hold or maybe shoulder to cry on. I wonder if some folks here would see that as quality time??
> 
> I have this book but we haven't done the quizzes for a while. think I'll get it out and have another read. Great book.


I have not read the book in a long time either, here is a link discussing the Gift aspects of it... Loving and Being Loved Through Gift Giving: Gifts Can be the Most Meaningful Way to Express Love in a Marriage | Suite101.com

*A part of the article here*: 


> Those who give and receive love by giving and receiving gifts value any gift that has shown a person is thinking of them. And while an engagement ring, new clothes, and a boat are all great gifts, not all gifts are material.
> 
> A gift can be a new baby, poems, songs, or a card made from a piece of scrap paper with hearts cut into it. Being there for someone in a time of need can be a gift that transcends all others
> 
> ...


 I knew an older woman who had this in spades, I worked for her for a time too, I helped her set up her christmas tree every year, she was in her 90's and literally she had a story behind every ornament given to her, she would read snippets of letters she was given by friends, she treasured every little trinket, she entered her special peppers in the Fair contests every year, she gave away jelly, she was a very happy soul. 

Everything that was given to her, it had such awesome meaning, she had stuff that looked like it was 60 yrs old - made out of paper even, falling apart ...I was thinking to myself.... "Oh my, I doubt I would have hung on to that!" ...ya know but things things spoke love and life to her soul ....


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Thanks for bumping this, I actually took the test and was shocked at my results. Words of A 33%, QT 30%, PT 27%, AoS 10%, Gifts 0%. I'd have assumed PT was far and away #1. Well, maybe I'll take it again to be sure. I never get compliments from her, maybe she likes my shirt or something, but never me. 

I'd like to see how my W does. We'll see if she'll take it. I tried for her.


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## The Chimp (Feb 14, 2012)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*



SimplyAmorous said:


> I know this Book Amazon.com: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (9780802473158): Gary Chapman: Books is the #1 most popular & most recommended to read on this Forum.
> 
> Here is a short overview of the 5 Love Languages : The Five Love Languages: Knowing a Person's Love Language is Vital to Healthy Communication
> 
> ...


Why would you try to get your wife to read this and take the test when you know she won't make no effort to look at what your answers are, but will expect you to get busy with her love languages?


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## DangerousCurves (Jul 18, 2012)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

I've been wanting to read this book for quite some time now, so thank you for posting this.

My results (which were no surprise to me):
1. Quality time
2. Affirmation
3. Gifts
4. Physical touch
5. Acts of Service

I will ask hubby tonight to take his own test and post his results later. Very interested to see them, although I *think* I already know what the results will be.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

I still have yet to read the book but mine was ...

1. Acts of service
2. Words of affirmation
3. Quality time
4. Physical touch
5. Gifts

Gates was

1. Physical touch
2. Quality time
3. Gifts
4. Words of affirmation
5. Acts of service

I haven't quite figured out what would be considered what when it comes to the love languages lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

My husband and I joke that he is the male version of me, and I'm the female version of him. We have one of those eerie relationships where sometimes he thinks he hears me say something that I didn't say out loud, but was thinking. 

Our love languages reflect that aspect of our lives. We have a high frequency of quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and physical touch, probably in that order. Neither of us is very concerned about gifts at all. 

The way these are shown in our relationship isn't a planned thing, and it doesn't require effort. All four of those languages are consistent throughout our day. He texts me little "Hi, I'm thinking about you" messages from work, and I write back to tell him how he made my day better with it. We always spend about five minutes of time kissing and catching up on the day when he walks in from work. Often, we spend more time than that, relaxing together on the sofa and I'll rub his shoulders or whatever. Later on, he'll return the favor with a foot rub or treating me to a paraffin dip. We tackle many duties together, whether it's feeding the dogs, painting a room, or mowing the lawn - whatever needs to be done, either one of us does it and the other perceives it as an act of service, or we both do it and it becomes quality time, in addition to the quality time where we simply relax.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

^^^^ Sounds an awful lot like us KathyBatesel --we could care less about Gifts.... we do help each other with the "Acts of Service"- if we need a helping hand... but if we could steal time separetely to do the Mundane things- while the other is working... then we figure we'll have more "TIME" together to relax, kick back & enjoy ourselves.... so that is preferrable. In this way.... we both have "Acts of Service" as #4.


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## Garage_Widow (Sep 26, 2012)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Me
Love Language Scores:
*12 Quality Time
9 Acts of Service
5 Physical Touch
3 Receiving Gifts
1 Words of Affirmation* _(Although I do love it when he says, you're hot or you're awesome, which he does quite often. I wonder if I'm taking this for granted?)_


Hubby
Love Language Scores:
*8 Words of Affirmation* _I have got to work on this!!_
*11 Physical Touch
5 Acts of Service
3 Quality Time
3 Receiving Gifts*


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

I don't remember percentages, but I remember the order:

Mine:

1. physical touch
2. quality time
3. gifts
4. words of affirmation
5. acts of service

My wife:

1. words of affirmation
2. acts of service
3. gifts
4. quality time
5. physical touch

As you can see, my top 2 are her bottom 2 and vice versa. This caused many problems for years until we read the book, attended a seminar by the author, and began showing love to each other in a way that spoke to them. I would want her to spend time with me and be affectionate (including taking a long time at sex play) and she would always be doing things around the house. I would get upset and let her know my displeasure, which caused her to withdraw (negative words instead of affirming words). That caused me to criticize her more which caused her to withdraw more creating a vicious circle. 

For us, learning how to put aside our desires and show the other love was a huge help to our relationship.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*



romantic_guy said:


> Mine:
> 
> 1. physical touch
> 2. quality time
> ...










so much for posting Romantic Guy.... Doesn't surprise me those are your top 2 !! I had you pegged. 

It is encouraging to hear of a couple like yourselves...with unbalanced Love Languages - at opposite ends yet -- after taking the time to learn of the others - coming together *as closely* as you & your wife has.... I know I always enjoy your posts... They resonate with me - that's cause you sound so much like me & mine... being the Touchy/ Feely Time type...









What a blessing you heard about that Seminar & attended !!  

I tried to look up Seminars online, doesn't seem any is happening right now ...but found a few videos on the site ~ in case anyone is interested in viewing >>







Videos | The 5 Love Languages®


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## Marhmallow (Dec 26, 2012)

*Re: What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?*

Hi everyone! I'm new and I have been reading on this forum for a few months .. Yesterday, though, I came across this thread here and it made me want to scream out loud ...... 
I started to write about it .. and I ended up starting a new thread, because I had so much to say .. The problem is, our love languages are opposite!

These are the results:

I have to say that I was excited and happy about the results first, because this explained so much about our relationship. I can see so clearly that everything that is wrong, is because we speak so different love languages.

My love languages are:
Quality Time & Words of Affirmation

His love languages are:
Physical Touch & Receiving Gifts & Acts of Service (All 3 got equal top score. And I know that these are all very important to him)

Why am I frustrated? Because in our situation right now .. I cannot ask him to meet my needs. I have always been asking for this and we have never really understood each other about this. Of course because we spoke different languages .. Now that I know exactly how to speak my needs and he knows how to speak my needs .. I'm afraid we cannot do it anyway ..

The good thing is that it's fairly easy for me to fulfill his needs. Physical touch isn't so important to me, but I do believe it's the most important thing to do in order to make any marriage/relationship work and last. I like to receive meaningful little gifts myself, so naturally I like to give them as well. I have to agree, I haven't done it lately, mainly because we are in a situation where I just cannot afford it .. Although I am very good at making sweet gifts myself and I can do that to my husband too. I haven't done it, so I will now. So I believe it's easy to fix. And the last - Acts of Service - is no big deal for me either. I want to take care of my husband. I have to admit, I haven't been very good at this always. Very bad at times even .. But I want to change this. I really want to take care of him. Because I know he needs it.

So, it's easy for me to speak his language. But it's going to be very hard for him to speak my language! And I'm scared ..

.............................................................

Here is the new thread I started, where you can read my crazy rant about this discovery .... :
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...rant-opposite-love-languages.html#post1349805


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