# Women encourage to stay..Men encourage to leave



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I've posted many times since joining about my current issues dealing with my H betrayal with my SIL. I remembered the first thing my mother told me-"Don't you leave your man to this sl*t". I don't know if she said anything to my brother at all regarding his wife. In the family, it seems I was encouraged to stay and work it out. I've even heard "Men do that all the time, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you" or "It's her reputation that's going to take a hit- now everyone will know what a wh0re she is". In my culture anyway, women comes to expect that faithfulness isn't something to be expected. It's more important that he comes home and be with his wife but not disrespect her by bringing around his side piece around the family. Oh, it's okay if he brings her around his male friends. I grew up knowing this as acceptable behavior. 

I was speaking to my brother about this and he agreed with me that many people advised him to leave his marriage. My brother also told me that in one of his last argument with my husband he stated if the tables were turned he wouldn't be able to forgive me and stay. Now, isn't that a b****.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

This is really sort of a flawed poll. I was encouraged to go AND to stay.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

This indecision's bugging me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

KanDo said:


> This is really sort of a flawed poll. I was encouraged to go AND to stay.


sorry, should I have given more options and if so what other options?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nobody knew my wife cheated.

Rugsweeping at its finest.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm from a generation where it was felt that men would cheat and women were expected to turn a blind eye. When my former husband cheated the first time, I decided to R and told no one. When he cheated again, and I decided I was getting out, I told everyone. And they were all very opposed because they felt I had a very long marriage to consider. I told all of them (in a very nice way ) it was not their concern and that I don't believe in giving weight to someone else's opinion about my life since I'm the one who has to live it. It's been two years now and most of them have accepted it (the ones who didn't I cut out of my life).


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

To my way of thinking the decision is not gender specific. It is situational and while there are frequent similarities each case is also unique. 

If the wayward it truly remorseful and willing to put in the work and the betrayed wants to r then stay regardless of gender.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Some female members have said this ad naseum as a veiled statement against all TAM male members. What is interesting is that not a single one of these female members has named names or threads in their posts to support their assertion.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Your poll is flawed. The purpose of a poll should be to gain information or opinion from a given group. TAM has a lot of people who are excluded from the poll as their choice is not included.

I was given both stay and go opinions. On balance I'd say that the majority was to go. If I were objective I'd give the same advice. My reasons for not taking it are rather subjective though.

What I read is similar mixes of advice to OPs. The majority of what I see is that if a wayward spouse is not remorseful, truly broken, then leave. If there is a chance at R then by a landslide the advice seems to be for working on the marriage. In your case I would give the same advice.

~ Passio


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

The answer is *E.*, none of the above. I made the decision to stay entirely on my own. No one else knew about her A until my WW told them, and that was after we decided to R. I didn't find this site until about 2 months after D day so I never asked the question here.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Idyit said:


> Your poll is flawed. The purpose of a poll should be to gain information or opinion from a given group. TAM has a lot of people who are excluded from the poll as their choice is not included.
> 
> I was given both stay and go opinions. On balance I'd say that the majority was to go. If I were objective I'd give the same advice. My reasons for not taking it are rather subjective though.
> 
> ...


I realized that I should have worded my question differently. My motivation for the pole was to see if women were more encouraged to stay and men were more encouraged to leave after discovering a spouse's infidelity. Agreed I should have worded it differently. If I new how to delete it, I would. It's not supposed to be a scientific pole.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

maritalloneliness, I get what you're trying to uncover with the poll. And it is tough to nail down the objective in a few questions.

To answer your direct question I'll stick to my answer above, that it depends on the remorse of the wayward. 

~ Passio


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Dogbert said:


> Some female members have said this ad naseum as a veiled statement against all TAM male members. What is interesting is that not a single one of these female members has named names or threads in their posts to support their assertion.


:iagree:

I know I've told female members to kick their cheating WH's to the curb and told males to R if the WW has earned the shot at R. I have no idea where this blanket statement comes from.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dogbert said:


> Some female members have said this ad naseum as a veiled statement against all TAM male members. What is interesting is that not a single one of these female members has named names or threads in their posts to support their assertion.


The OP is not talking about TAM. She's talking out in our real lives more than on TAM.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

IMO you always leave. Male/female, kids/no kids, money/broke doesn't matter. Get yourself out of the situation where you need to interact with a liar and cheat. Get on your own and access where you're at, start a better life.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Normally, I would never encourage anyone to stay, male or female after a physical infidelity. However everyone's personal circumstances are different. Only once here, 2 years or so ago, I suggested to a BH that he reconcile with his horribly undeserving WW because he painted himself into such a bad corner, he really didn't have a choice but to stay. There has to be consequences to this behavior and no one should rewards a WS with the continued benefit of a marriage.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> Normally, I would never encourage anyone to stay, male or female after a physical infidelity. However everyone's personal circumstances are different. Only once here, 2 years or so ago, I suggested to a BH that he reconcile with his horribly undeserving WW because he painted himself into such a bad corner, he really didn't have a choice but to stay. There has to be consequences to this behavior and no one should rewards a WS with the continued benefit of a marriage.





Same here I have never been a big fan or believe in reconciliation and believe it's ultimately not worth the work required but of course there are obvious exceptions to the rule...Ultimately we all have to do what's best for us not because of what society tells us but because it's what we need to do for ourselves..


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

I have zero tolerance for infidelity, so it doesn't matter what the gender of the BS is to me, my advice more often than not is for the BS to divorce the WS.



EleGirl said:


> The OP is not talking about TAM. She's talking out in our real lives more than on TAM.


Perhaps, but I still stand by my earlier post.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I think most of us here on the infidelity forum are here because of some sort of betrayal in our marriages. I do have to agree with most of the responses to this pole that every situation is different just as every human being is unique. For the small amount of people who have taken the time to respond to the pole, most men replied they were encouraged to go. I was just wondering why and how come. Is it because it's emasculated to have a wife have sex with another or something else. I read on some other thread how a man wrote that his wife's body repulsed him after her infidelity and he was having a hard time of it in the bedroom. One responded to his thread by agreeing with him that it's normal for him to feel this way. I believe an analogy was made to compare her vag to using a glass that was once used to make lemonade and not rinsed out completely and another used that glass for a different beverage but the taste of the old lemonade was still present. Women who responded to the man who was repulsed by his wife's body also responded how it was difficult for them to be intimate with their H after his infidelity, but are women more likely to discount this and move on.IDK.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

maritalloneliness said:


> I think most of us here on the infidelity forum are here because of some sort of betrayal in our marriages. I do have to agree with most of the responses to this pole that every situation is different just as every human being is unique. For the small amount of people who have taken the time to respond to the pole, most men replied they were encouraged to go. I was just wondering why and how come. Is it because it's emasculated to have a wife have sex with another or something else. I read on some other thread how a man wrote that his wife's body repulsed him after her infidelity and he was having a hard time of it in the bedroom. One responded to his thread by agreeing with him that it's normal for him to feel this way. I believe an analogy was made to compare her vag to using a glass that was once used to make lemonade and not rinsed out completely and another used that glass for a different beverage but the taste of the old lemonade was still present. Women who responded to the man who was repulsed by his wife's body also responded how it was difficult for them to be intimate with their H after his infidelity, * but are women more likely to discount this and move on.IDK.*





I don't think so because no one wont's sloppy seconds male or female I think some are just able to prioritize the damage focusing their attention on rebuilding trust then intimacy later


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*My rich, skanky XW wholeheartedly encouraged me to do the "go route!" ~ 2-1/2 months early, in fact ~ had it planned out to a tee!

It greatly gave her the needed incentive to just crank up her ol' pickup truck to get out there and "spread her legs and fly!"*


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