# Spouse Just Started Masturbating...



## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

First time poster here, so please bear with me.

Wife and I are in our late 40's, married over 20 years, dating since HS. We have one teenage child.

Our relationship has had its ups and downs. We were in a deep rut last year, so we agreed to MC, which has seemed to help us better relate to each other and each other's needs.

Historically, I have been the HD partner. Her LD has been a source of friction in the marriage. In the course of MC, she was able to work out some issues around her repressive childhood/upbringing, etc. and as a result, has become much more open and open-minded about what she wants sexually. I would have to say that our sex life (quantity and quality) has steadily improved since MC. Lately, we have had sex 1-2 times per week, which is an improvement over where we were last year. She also seems to enjoy it much more, as opposed to the "duty sex" we typically have had in the past.

She has always been able to orgasm from oral and manual stimulation, and if I perform oral and/or manual on her first, she can also orgasm from PIV. One thing she has never done (or at least admitted to doing) is masturbation. I always assumed this was a by-product of her religious upbringing.

Since MC, we have both been more open and less inhibited about talking about what we want/like sexually, and we have both found this communication process to be refreshing and it has energized our relationship.

I have recently experienced a minor medical condition that requires that I abstain from using my penis for several weeks. In the course of one of our newly "liberated" discussions, she admitted to me that for the past couple of weeks, she has been masturbating to climax every day. I was very pleasantly surprised, as this was something totally new to her and us. 

However, during that time, I have offered several times to service her orally and/or manually, since PIV is out of the mix for a while. She has repeatedly refused me. On one hand, I understand that if she is taking care of herself now, she doesn't need me to meet her sexual needs. On the other hand, it's frustrating for me to not be able to do PIV, and my servicing her needs orally and/or manually is about the only sexual outlet available to me for a while.

I find her unwillingness to allow me to service her needs troubling, which has now been compounded by her newly-discovered willingness to "take matters into her own hands".

Any insight or advice that anyone can provide would be welcome and appreciated.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Have you only "offered" - or have you tried framing it like you did here and let her know that it would be for you to enjoy as well?

Any concerns she might have about you getting an erection given your current status?


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Well, being a guy, I certainly relate to the fact that when I "take care of my own needs", I can bust a nut much more quickly and easily than when my wife services me.

But even if having sex with my wife is less efficient and messier than pulling my pud, I would much rather have sex with my wife, in pretty much every case. The intimacy of the interaction makes it all worthwhile to me.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I think when given the choice between going solo and having your life partner help you out, most folks in a healthy, loving relationship would elect to have interaction with their lover.

To me, any sex act I have with my wife is an intimate act. Perhaps she no longer feels the same way about it as I do, but if I understood exactly where she was coming from, I wouldn't feel the need to seek input here.

I just think it's odd that we go from having sex 1-2x weekly, to her getting her self off every day for a couple of weeks, that's all.

Perhaps it's just the novelty of her finding something new and enjoyable, and I'm being too sensitive.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you asked why she prefers to DIY? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## althea (Jan 26, 2012)

First, I'm a female in my 40's and my drive increased after 40. A lot. So even with the re-connection you two are experiencing with MC, physcial changes are probably involved for her as well.

Second, I'm not all that hung up and don't have a repressed background, but I'm still embarrassed and/or uncomfortable to be the only one all turned on. When both my partner and I are in the heat of the moment, I don't care what crazy sounds or bodily reactions are going on...it's all part of the fun. But if we're not BOTH in that place, I don't like it. Maybe your wife is more comfortable doing it alone than being the only one all hot and bothered. 

But, you might be saying, you would enjoy seeing her turned on. You might even have told her that. If she's like me, the thought might still make her uncomfortable. The ACTION, however, might turn out to be something different. If my SO started to really passionately make out with me, fondle me, get me going...AND I felt like he was truly into it...I think I would feel differently. Not saying force yourself on her...just saying maybe test the waters a little bit at a time.

Not to pry, but with your medical condition, are you allowed to have an erection? Because even without intercourse, if I had that kind of indication that my partner was in to me, I'd gladly rather be serviced by him than by myself.

That just gave me another thought...if you're medically NOT allowed to have an erection...maybe she's scared to fool around with you.

I don't know about the whole easier-to-rub-one-out theory, though. Speaking as someone who is generally deprived of the intimacy of sex, masturbating just makes me feel lonely and unsatisfied.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Doctor says erection is OK, using the erect penis is not OK. Wife knows this, too.


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

She probably learned what she has been missing out on for so long. Have you ever thought to think a woman LIKES the feeling of being able to do it herself and not depend on a man?


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## althea (Jan 26, 2012)

PBear said:


> Have you asked why she prefers to DIY?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ha, I just typed a long post...but this is really the best response. Truly.


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## althea (Jan 26, 2012)

keeper63 said:


> Doctor says erection is OK, using the erect penis is not OK. Wife knows this, too.


Then in that case, do you think she could be like me? Really uncomfortable with being the only one all hot and bothered?

I mean, even the rare times my partner thinks of this after his O, if I have not gotten off and he has...I don't want to keep going for my benefit. I just feel weird. I know it's probably just a hang up of mine, but that's how strongly I feel about it. I need my partner to be heated as well.

Just throwing it out there.

As far as the question of why every day all of a sudden? It could be the hormonal thing that some of us get over 40. There are other women on this site who describe being the same way.

Still, like PBear said...you're just gonna have to ask her.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Here's the thing...her masturbating is as new to me as it is to her. Yes, she may just be attracted to the novelty of bringing herself to orgasm without me, and that's OK. But given my perspective as a male and a lifetime of masturbation experience, it's difficult for me to process the idea that she might prefer this activity to doing something that involves me.

And I have told her that I would enjoy servicing her as much as I would if we were having PIV, and I think it would be obvious to her that I was aroused by doing this for her.

I have not asked her why she prefers masturbating to having me service her orally or manually. Frankly, in the long term, I think it's great that she is exploring a new aspect of her sexuality, and I don't want to do anything to discourage her.

I'm just trying to gain some insight that might help me deal with the frustration.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think it would be frustrating and awkward to a lot of women. Even to some men. Some people just feel weird about it. 
I would ask her though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Something is 'off' with her story. Prior to this you were only up to 1-2 times a week with sex and now 'suddenly' seemingly overnight she is masturbating daily??? She was LD and now she is having an orgasm daily???

I'm not buying it. Something else is going on and the problem is likely NOT what you think it is.

The good news is she is communicating with you. Keep that up and 'gently' dig to see if you can figure out exactly what is going on.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Not too long ago, she had a medical issue that precluded PIV, and she was happy to service my needs, and I was happy to have her do it.

I was especially happy to have her tell me afterwards that it was a turn-on for her to service me. That's exactly how I would feel of the tables were turned.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

keeper63 said:


> Perhaps it's just the novelty of her finding something new and enjoyable, and I'm being too sensitive.


I bet this is it. She's had you down there many times, now she's figuring stuff out for herself. I bet you were all over it when you first discovered yourself. Think of it this way, maybe when you're back in action you can learn a few new ways to pleasure her that she discovered herself, most likely while thinking of you. I'd be content with that thought if I were you


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

MrsOldNews said:


> I bet this is it. She's had you down there many times, now she's figuring stuff out for herself. I bet you were all over it when you first discovered yourself. Think of it this way, maybe when you're back in action you can learn a few new ways to pleasure her that she discovered herself, most likely while thinking of you. I'd be content with that thought if I were you


If this were true why wouldn't she just say that? Why is she flat out rejecting him?

The rejection is what's concerning me. She seems oblivious to how he feels about it and that's a problem.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

^^MrsOldNews - I discovered masturbation so long ago, I can't even remember what it was like for me.

One thing I can say for sure, back then, given the choice between yanking my crank and having a real live girl participate, the choice would have been crystal clear.

I'm beginning to think she is just really enjoying the new and novel feeling of giving herself orgasms, and for the short term, the fact that my penis is out of commission makes it even more convenient for her.

I think I'm just frustrated by my current inability to have PIV, receive a BJ, or a HJ, and I'm just longing to do something for her that makes her feel good.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

keeper63 said:


> I think I'm just frustrated by my current inability to have PIV, receive a BJ, or a HJ, and I'm just longing to do something for her that makes her feel good.


If you tell her THIS and she still says no you've got bigger problems than you know. Novelty or not you deserve to have this need met. She can masturbate the next day. Geesh. It's not like it's going anywhere.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

So, Mavash, if I tell her this, and she still refuses, what sort of bigger problems do you think I have?


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

You may have answered your own question. Ie she can “rub one out” without hassle, guilt etc. Perhaps she is concerned if she gets highly aroused she will want you and get frustrated. You are on an anonomous board..the type of medical condition (herpes breakout, warts…) may have a bearing…Ok you don’t have to share ifyou are not comfortable. 

Try not to take it personal. She may not feel comfortable having you satify her only (that is to have one way sex). Give her some time, she is just getting comfortable with this sort of thing. Pushing her to not go solo in my opinion is being somewhat judgemental and counterproductive to her "coming out" from the shackles of her conservative upbringing. Making her feel bad about not including you in her self-indulgance may be counter productive. I mean..really give her a break!!! Give her a break..i mean she just found a new toy to play with. 

I know the first time I made myself climax by hand I spent the majority of my time locked in my room LOL. At some point perhaps you could both watch eachother masturbate. This may help you to better understand how she gets off. 

I don't agree with others who are looking for a potential problem. If when you are back in commission if this is still occurring then you may want to address it then. 

Personally i would look at this as a positive and try not to shame her to feeling bad. Sorry for the redundancy.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

keeper63 said:


> So, Mavash, if I tell her this, and she still refuses, what sort of bigger problems do you think I have?


She isn't concerned with your needs. Thats your bigger problem. I mean it's "possible" this is an isolated incident (I hope).

If I'm having my period but want to be sexually close to my husband how mean of it would be for him to deny me giving him oral just because he preferred to masturbate? What advice would you give ME if I asked you this question?

Would everyone here tell me not to take it personal? Really? Doesn't get more personal than being rejected.

I also agree with what you said. If I had to choose between going solo and being with my husband I'd choose him.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

^^tjohnson - I have suspected that she is just infatuated with her new-found ability to give herself orgasms.

Having her do this is new and strange to me, but I really do "get it" regarding how this is a totally new aspect of her sexuality, and I want to encourage her to keep doing this, not discourage her. In the long run, I think it is empowering for her, and I think it will enhance our sex life.

She has told me that she is not ready to have me watch her do this, and that she may never be ready to have me watch, which is perfectly fine with me.

And really, if the tables were turned, and I was having a new kind of orgasm every day, I might be less enthusiastic about having her give me another one in a more conventional (i.e. not as new and exciting) manner.

It's just frustrating for me to not be in a position to participate.

And here I thought she was in a good mood because she was sleeping through the night!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I've been in three major relationships and all three guys didn't want me to just give them a BJ if I didn't get anything in return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Well she's probably sleeping better!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Well, this situation is getting weird...

Tonight we were making out, kissing, groping, etc. When I put my hand beyween her legs, she quickly got up and told me "that's not going to do anything for me".

When I asked her why she won't let me do anything for her, she just left the room w/o saying anything.

WTF? I thought we were finally really comminucating with each other.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Told ya. There is something else going on. Her story doesn't add up.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

OK, I hear you Mavash, so what is it I should be worried about? At this point I think my biggest problem is that she would rather please herself than have me please her.

Do you think it's something more insidious? Please do tell.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

keeper63 said:


> OK, I hear you Mavash, so what is it I should be worried about? At this point I think my biggest problem is that she would rather please herself than have me please her.
> 
> Do you think it's something more insidious? Please do tell.


No I think you've nailed it. Your gut reaction is usually a good one. It's like a role reversal. There are men that would rather watch porn than be with their wives. My guess is this is a similar situation. Not sure how that works with women unless there is resentment but you guys were making out so that confuses me.

What I'm curious about now is what she will do once you are able to have sex again. She may have been masturbating all along and you didn't know it. Her LD was a lie. She just didn't want sex with you. On this I'm just guessing.

One thing I'm certain of is she KNOWS whats going on. She's just not telling you about it.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

So it would seem like the consensus advice is to not discourage her from masturbating (I'm pretty sure she did it again this morning in the shower) for the short term, and wait and see how she responds to me once my equipment is working again, and our sexual activities (PIV, BJ, etc.) can be more of a two-way street.

She did admit to me that masturbating could be something she could become "additcted to", because apparently, she can get herself off quickly and reliably (in just a few minutes, according to her).

Once I am fully "back in the saddle", if she continues to rebuff my advances, then perhaps it's time to go back to our therapist to find out why she prefers her right hand to my penis, or fingers, or tongue.

I do think she is sexually attracted to me, we are both attractive, trim, active, and fit, and I'm a fairly "alpha" male. Again, I think she is simply infatuated with the new experience of being able to give herself an orgasm, quickly, and without any muss or fuss. Like several of the female posters here have said, once they discovered they could give themselves an orgasm, they locked themselves in a room for a week. I don't think she is any different.

I'm going to chalk this off to her hormones shifting in her late 40's, MC giving her the freedom/permission to overcome (overcum?) her repressive childhood and touch herself (I'm 99% sure her masturbation is something she has very recently begun doing).


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

keeper63 said:


> She did admit to me that masturbating could be something she could become "additcted to", because apparently, she can get herself off quickly and reliably (in just a few minutes, according to her).


When people tell you the truth about themselves you should listen. This statement is a red flag. 

It's human to find 'new' things in life to entertain us. Facebook, a new friend, a new hobby, and masturbation is no exception. The problem is when it comes before the marriage. Had you come on here and said your wife suddenly got addicted to FB and would rather do that than have sex/be intimate with you I'd give you the same answer. It's wrong. That 'it's new' thing is crap. Total and utter crap. There are SEVEN days in a week. You tell me she can't give up ONE of those to let you be intimate with her?? Really?

Oh honey I found facebook so I'm going to lock myself in my room for a week to play farmville. It's soooooo addicting. Hope you don't mind.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I understand your point, and agree with you to some extent. I do think it's very different from a FB addiction. Most folks I know don't have orgasms from Farmville. As I mentioned previously, I'm a healthy, red-blooded male, but I'm not sure I would want/need to have more than one orgasm a day on an ongoing basis.

When we were in our 20's, we had really great sex 4-5 times per week. I would still pull my pud another couple times a week, and although my wife knows I did this, it wasn't an issue for either of us at that time.

Bringing herself to orgasm once a day probably gives her her fill (I know that would be enough for me), and she doesn't feel the need to have me try to give her another one. This situation is exacerbated by my not being able to participate equally in sexual activities.

It's a convenient excuse for her right now (masturbating is a fun, new, and quick way for me to orgasm), because I'm not able to participate in the usual way, and she might just not be comfortable with me servicing her without being able to use my penis (I can't recall ever being in a position where I would give her oral and/or manual, have her orgasm, and not follow that up with some good ol' PIV).

Like several posters have said, when my d*ck is working 100% again (doctor said I should make a full recovery in another week or two), if she still prefers to go solo, then it is a bigger problem, and we can go to the therapist and try to figure it out.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

The way I look at this (not being able to do PIV) is exactly like when she was pregnant, and had ZERO interest in sex, so I did a lot of masturbating during that time. She knew what I was doing (sometimes she would watch me), and it was OK.

So now, the tables are turned, I can't meet her needs in the conventional ways that involve my penis, and she seems uncomfortable with me servicing her orally/manually without the option of PIV on the table. So she has found a new, exciting way of taking care of herself.

I really think it's all good, and will be even better when I am able to participate fully.

Thanks for all the great input!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

keeper63 said:


> Not too long ago, she had a medical issue that precluded PIV, and she was happy to service my needs, and I was happy to have her do it.
> 
> I was especially happy to have her tell me afterwards that it was a turn-on for her to service me. That's exactly how I would feel of the tables were turned.


explain it to her just like you did here.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

We had a long talk about this this weekend. 

She eventually allowed me to give her an orgasm orally, but afterwards she told me she wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea of me servicing her without reciprocation (like some of the other ladies here have posted), she much prefers me to use my penis after I get her there with oral. Since I can't do that right now, she says she would rather "take care of her own needs", in private, masturbation is new, exciting, and is helping her learn more about her body and how it responds.

She said she couldn't believe what she has been missing all these years, and that she could see herself masturbating every day, it feels so good, and improves her mood, attitude etc.

Three things:

- I'm glad we went through MC, so she could learn to be sexual with herself.
- I wish we would have done MC years ago.
- I want my c*ck to heal really fast.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Sounds like happy days ahead . If she is using a vibrator to masturbate she very well could become addicted. I know the fascination of having a fast, intense predictable orgasm. If she is, then incorporate that into your time with her, you'll both enjoy it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

That's very good news. I'm happy for you.


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