# Big fight



## shorty2083 (Sep 15, 2015)

I know there is no "normal" but i feel like our escalated fights have gotten so bad that they are definitely not within the majority of married couples i know.

I guess I am looking to see if anyone who has been married a few years has gotten to the point where they curse at each other.

My husband has a bad temper so he yesterday said "go **** yourself" when I wouldnt stop talking after he tried asking extensively. I am just so sad, we can be this great couple one minute and then dont even know who we are the next.

LOST... I would appreciate feedback


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

What does "asking extensively" mean? Was he asking extensively to take a break from the conversation you were pursuing relentlessly? Time outs are OK, in fact they are often advisable. Sometimes we guys need time to process whatever it is you are bytching about and can not really engage in an intelligent conversation about the topic without that time. If that is the sort of thing that was going on and you would not stop despite repeated requests then I don't have any issue with stronger language .


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## shorty2083 (Sep 15, 2015)

Yes, he kept telling him to leave him alone and to stop. But he had said some hurtful things and I felt like it wasnt fair, so i kept on. I dont see it ok to use that language though...

I dont feel any friends of mine fight this way.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Name calling is something you and your husband should never do to each other. Names stick around long after the fight has been forgotten. Name calling destroys love. You must never do it again. Better to tell you to fvck off than to be so provoked that it escalates to violence in word or deed.

It's important to learn how to fight fair. Fighting fair means that the issue is aired out and feelings are brought out and acknowledged.

Unfortunately, many of us grew up in homes that modeled disgraceful "fighting" tactics. I can still picture my mother following my father down the hallway b"tching and gripping up a storm as he tried to get some distance because he was (very clearly to me) at the end of his patience and about to say or do something they both would regret. I found myself doing something similar to my husband shortly after we married. It shocked me to my core! How could I allow myself to become.....MY MOTHER!!!!!!!

In an argument: 
State the issue. "I'm angry because...."
Begin all sentences with "I" never with "you" "I felt completely forgotten about when you didn't greet me but greeted everyone else in the room and me last." 
Follow up with more feelings. "I feel so happy to see you I thought you felt the same and when you greeted my last I felt like you didn't feel very happy to see me."
Then be silent.
Continue to use I feel or I felt sentences. When you stick to these sentences you aren't attacking. No one responds well to being attacked. 

This article goes into more detail about how to argue. You should print it out and hang it on the fridge so both you and your husband remind each other to argue and keep toxic fighting out of the marriage.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-tools-avoid-ugly-arguments


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

shorty2083 said:


> Yes, he kept telling him to leave him alone and to stop. But he had said some hurtful things and I felt like it wasnt fair, so i kept on. I dont see it ok to use that language though...
> 
> I dont feel any friends of mine fight this way.


So, if he feels backed against a wall and needs to disengage what would you prefer? Should he leave the house? There needs to be something because you do not have the right to push him past his limit and not allow him to disengage temporarily. You do have the right to re-engage on the issue in a day or two. He's not a women, when men push men to the limit violence ensues if neither choose to disengage.


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## shorty2083 (Sep 15, 2015)

That's my point though, where is the working on not using language when upset in first place? its just about me not pushing, thats the only solution he sees, and seems to be only one on here also...


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## shorty2083 (Sep 15, 2015)

I agree with all that. Doesn't mean he will learn to talk that way.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

shorty2083 said:


> I agree with all that. Doesn't mean he will learn to talk that way.


You raise an excellent point. If you follow the healthy model of arguing and he doesn't, then what? Should you revert back to the unhealthy model?


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## shorty2083 (Sep 15, 2015)

I follow the healthy as much as possible and he doesn't, and I am only human so I crack. i end up engaging... SO what, I just let him do whatever and suck it up?


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

shorty2083 said:


> I agree with all that. Doesn't mean he will learn to talk that way.


Doesnt mean he wont either.

AP gave you some good advice. Id take it.

Use the link she gave you. Also both you and your husband can use this advice as a reason to examine your parents as relationship role models growing up. Like AP I learned some crappy relationship behavior from my parents. And not wanting to be like them has helped a lot. Like AP said it can be a shocker to realize you are doing the exact things you likely hated your parents doing.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

shorty2083 said:


> ….has gotten to the point where they curse at each other.


So, this behaviour is mutual? 

Telling you to ''go f**k yourself'' was the final crescendo? 

Tell us a few things you said to him, and don't sugarcoat it, we can take it. I'm curious what he had to hear that culminated in his response above.


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## shorty2083 (Sep 15, 2015)

Yea, I hate that I chase him like my parents. But in his house his parents never fought in front of him, the dad just got his way and mom didnt argue. So now, when I "push" an issue, he feels disrespected. Yet, he says I have a right to disagree. Makes no sense. I have a right but you get mad when I do and trigger me with cursing or dismissing my thoughts and feelings but when I chase. I am wrong.

My issue is always lost and his anger wins. Who ever is the angriest is the one with the power it seems.


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## Average Joe (Sep 2, 2015)

To get over this hurdle about fighting styles, it might be best not to argue about it face to face. Maybe write down your feelings and present it to him that way.


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## shorty2083 (Sep 15, 2015)

I never attack him personally, I was saying that he was being disrespectful and that he was being unfair and I can't believe he would act this way etc. That kind of stuff. I don't ever tell him to f off or anything. At most I may say "you're being an a hole"


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

shorty2083 said:


> I never attack him personally, I was saying that he was being disrespectful and that he was being unfair and I can't believe he would act this way etc. That kind of stuff. I don't ever tell him to f off or anything. At most I may say "you're being an a hole"


Then you mis-represented your story in the original post. If you're an innocent victim of a bad-tempered ogre, just say so. But, you're not, are you?

BTW, saying ''go f**k yourself'' is an appropriate response to ''you're being an a-hole''.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

shorty2083 said:


> At most I may say "you're being an a hole"


To which "Fyck off" might be the logical response. 

Are you trying to "win" or trying to reach a reasonable compromise? The latter should be the goal yes? 

Are there issues that he "wins" because he just does what he wants and you don't raise the issue but then you raise something else and feel you have to "win" because of that other thing he did and won by default? Maybe you should have MORE "fights" about all the issues that don't escalate so much. 

Maybe he is an asshat :wink2:


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## shorty2083 (Sep 15, 2015)

I try to talk stuff out, he gets angry and chooses not to. So innocent no, but, i am definitely not aggressive.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

shorty2083 said:


> I try to talk stuff out, he gets angry and chooses not to. So innocent no, but, i am definitely not aggressive.


Again, you said he tried to disengage extensively, but you were a pit bull on a Chihuahua (I'm exaggerating, of course.)

Why not let cooler heads prevail and revisit the issue later, calmly?


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## shorty2083 (Sep 15, 2015)

Because he usually is still mad later and it doesnt get resolved


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I am not saying this is what is going on, but the way you describe it makes me think it might be similiar.

My wife and I will have a discussion about something. My version/opinion of it is one thing and she has a slightly different version/opinion. We discuss it and I see that we don't see it the same way. It is typically a minor thing and I try to just stop the discussion as I can see we don't agree. Depending on her mood, she will sometimes continue to argue, to convince me to see it her way. She doesn't feel like I value her opinion. That I am stubborn and won't look at it from her point of view. When things are minor, I don't have a problem with just agreeing to disagree and move on. 

She sees it as me winning. I see it as I don't care who wins. In fact, I see it as her being stubborn and not giving in until SHE WINS!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You can try asking him questions. i.e. "Do you think my feelings are important?" (assume he'll say yes) "Well my concern is this...." and if he dismisses your concern you can reiterate "But you said my feelings were important, too. And I feel that....."

Telling him he's BEING a certain way is still perceived as accusatory to some. "I feel as if you don't respect my feelings/opinion when you don't appear to take that into consideration. I FEEL had you taken my feelings/opinion into consideration you would have _____"


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

shorty2083 said:


> Because he usually is still mad later and it doesnt get resolved


Well, I don't know what to say……try jumping his bones and putting a smile on his face, he might be willing to discuss it calmly while he has a post-orgasmic glow on his face.


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## shorty2083 (Sep 15, 2015)

This sounds like us a lot


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Most people enter a marriage with vastly different conflict resolution approaches. I was a yeller who attacked conflicts head on, my husband was an avoider who pretended nothing ever bothered him. We both had to be tweaked to make our marriage work. 

It sounds as if you both have some catching up to do on learning to resolve conflict. This is exactly what marriage counselor are best used for. Teach us how to argue and fight so that we get things out in the open, get our feelings heard AND resolve the conflict so it isn't brought up again and again and again.

Find a marriage counselor and make an appointment. Doing this now, while you two are relatively newly married, will save you both so much heartache down the road.


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