# Would you consider this cheating? Help!!



## nicolej1024 (Mar 21, 2014)

We have been married for almost 12yrs and have 2 kids. I am a nurse and work at a military hospital so I have lots of younger nurses as friends b/c that's where they start out. One of them texted asking are you and your husband in a monogamous relationship? I thought it was a joke then was confused. I say yes of course, why? She says he popped up on my Tinder app. I looked it up, to see its a dating website where you like a pic and if that person likes you back you can talk. He came home, I asked about it he said yeah I was curious, I heard it on the radio. He had been matched w/ 4 girls in 3 days. Attempted to message all 4 but, was actively talking to 2. Nothing sexual but, flirty and no mention of me. Am I crazy? I call this cheating. He says he would not have let it escalate past messaging. In my opinion that has escalated. I am so confused, any thoughts? Guys too?


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

He is cheating. If he doesn't think it's cheating, register yourself in the same site, get matched and start talking to other guys. Ask him what he thinks.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Yep, definitely cheating. It will only snowball if he continues. Make your boundaries clear to him and stick to them!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As a guy, and in particular, as a guy who cheated on his wife, I'd say that yes, it's cheating. It might not be as "bad" as if he slept with someone, but he's looking outside the marriage to fill some kind of emotional (or sexual) need. And he's one message away from getting "hooked" by someone who happens to appeal to him physically or emotionally. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You don't register on a dating site out of 'curiosity'. He is totally messing with you.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

nicolej1024 said:


> We have been married for almost 12yrs and have 2 kids. I am a nurse and work at a military hospital so I have lots of younger nurses as friends b/c that's where they start out. One of them texted asking are you and your husband in a monogamous relationship? I thought it was a joke then was confused. I say yes of course, why? She says he popped up on my Tinder app. I looked it up, to see its a dating website where you like a pic and if that person likes you back you can talk. He came home, I asked about it he said yeah I was curious, I heard it on the radio. He had been matched w/ 4 girls in 3 days. Attempted to message all 4 but, was actively talking to 2. Nothing sexual but, flirty and no mention of me. Am I crazy? I call this cheating. He says he would not have let it escalate past messaging. In my opinion that has escalated. I am so confused, any thoughts? Guys too?


Sure is. I wouldnt be surprised if hes been hooking up with women on the side either.

Get tested for STDs; hand him the results and if you have anything, inform all your family and his while stating you have been 100% monogamous. 180 hard and fast. Should he push for reconciliation, demand all passwords for all accounts be turned over to you immediately. Expose him to his family and yours. Make it f*cking CLEAR you simply will NOT take any sh!t and that he WILL treat you with respect.

I will lay 90% odds hes probably had unprotected sex with other women while you have been married. If he hasnt, hes on the SCRIPT we see around here to do so relatively soon. DO SOMETHING NOW or you will be back here posting about an affair!


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

The 180 technique.

Yeah he's cheating. I mean you already know that though. That's why you're here. It takes time for something that horrible to sink through your skin though, and it hurts. It's going to hurt worse too. Sorry 

I would read and implement the 180 immediately. Start secretly gathering evidence that you can use in court in case you do divorce. Screenshots and pictures of text messages (in my state at least) can mean so much. Other people around here are much better at sleuthing than me but I can offer you the advice for what worked for me.

Start snooping but don't let him know. Don't pay him anymore attention. Do a 180 and start focusing on yourself. Nobody can care about you as much as you can care about yourself so give yourself that, you deserve it.

Be strong. You can get a lot of support, advice, and just somewhere to vent here. Be strong.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Remains said:


> You don't register on a dating site out of 'curiosity'. He is totally messing with you.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

THIS.

His behavior on the website is not the biggest problem.

His deceptive response to your inquiries is the big problem.

You confront him and he doesn't give you an honest answer.

Or at least.. I don't buy it.. 

He is not just there because he's curious. He is testing waters.

He is deliberately fishing to see how many bites he gets.

This is not an accident. This is deliberate deception and dismissal.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> I will lay 90% odds hes probably had unprotected sex with other women while you have been married. If he hasnt, hes on the SCRIPT we see around here to do so relatively soon. DO SOMETHING NOW or you will be back here posting about an affair!


Yup, I would say 90% odds that there's a LOT more he's not disclosing too.

For every rat you see, there are fifty behind the wall you don't know about yet...

His response is a four alarm fire.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Cheating = Doing anything out of your eyesight he wouldn't' do with you right there in the room watching him.

Ask yourself this : would have have gone on that website and done that stuff with you sitting beside him watching him do it?

If he wouldn't try that stunt with you watching, and he DOES do it behind your back..it's cheating.

It's that simple.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

If it was nothing and no big deal according to him, how come he hasn't discussed it with you and voiced his curiosity, until the was caught and you confronted him about it??

Yes it is cheating if he is doing something and hiding it from you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You find that he has registered with this particular social service, never bothering to tell you one single thing about his extracurricular activities. 

Had he been loyal to you, just why would he have done that?

My educated guess: He's cheating!*


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You should have joined and sent him a message, asking how many times he got laid. Add that you never dreamed you would meet so many cute guys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Is it cheating? Well, did he sit down with you and make the profile with you? Of course he didn't, he hid it from you. 

There's a reason it was done behind your back.

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


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## nicolej1024 (Mar 21, 2014)

Is there a way to salvage this marriage? I love him so much, we have a good life. He says he wants us to work and that he will do what I need him to do. Right now, I wanted some space so he is going to stay w/ some good friends of ours for a couple of days. He deleted that account. I just am kinda at a loss.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

If you believe that's the only time he's done something like that, and he's sincere about being open and honest, then yes, it can be salvaged.

However, call me cynical or whatever, but I wouldn't believe everything he says just yet.

I would let him give you space, and I would continue to monitor his life as best you can without him knowing.

If he thinks you're going to check up on him constantly then he'll become even more sneaky.

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Remains said:


> You don't register on a dating site out of 'curiosity'. He is totally messing with you.


I do.

I design and build web sites, including dating sites. I've got accounts on several, and have been thinking about checking out Tinder. Of course, I'd tell my wife beforehand that I'm doing some research there.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would start by insisting he find a good marriage counselor, book the appointments, etc. And he hands over all his network credentials and passwords, where you can immediately check his messages. Make sure to look through his sent and deleted folders, and ask in here if you need help to try to undelete anything. 

Then the two of you work at rebuilding trust and filling each other's needs. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

If he is serious, then he won't mind you verifying with your friends he is there and also being able to account for every second of his time for those couple days. Some people create fights in order to get free time. Not to put more on your plate, but be cautious. I am sorry this is happening to you.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> I do.
> 
> I design and build web sites, including dating sites. I've got accounts on several, and have been thinking about checking out Tinder. Of course, I'd tell my wife beforehand that I'm doing some research there.


Stop muddying the waters with utter irrelivency when a new poster comes who is going to cling on to the absolute stupidest reason that her husband may be possibly and maybe telling the 'truth'. 

Instead of saying 'I did', why not ask 'is he a website developer? Does he research dating websites for a living? And had he chatted with you about these? (which you know he hasn't because she found out through a friend)' instead of giving a totally stupid red herring of utterly false hope.

OP, I hope you didn't read that post and get a pang of hope. There is none regarding the facts of his actions. The only hope you have are in your actions that follow and how you are going to deal with this sh1tty situation you find yourself in.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> I do.
> 
> I design and build web sites, including dating sites. I've got accounts on several, and have been thinking about checking out Tinder. Of course, I'd tell my wife beforehand that I'm doing some research there.


Interesting. So, as part of your research, would you also send messages of interest to 4 or more women and have ongoing flirty chats with at least 2 of them? 

OP: Your husband is either already cheating on you, or trying to do so. I'm so sorry.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

At the very least his actions in the active single or cheating dating world have intruded on your work environment. That crosses the line for me. I would consider it cheating in the sense that your other half did something that signaled to the greater world that he was single or willing to act like he was, even though he was married. It's cheating in the sense that it violates the terms of what's to be expected in a marriage, unless otherwise agreed to by both marriage partners. Fail! At the very least, you and your colleagues can now publicly harass him. Why not launch a "text my husband" sort of harassment day? I think it would be great fun, if he really just "wanted to see what it was like" give him a dose of what happens when single ladies find out they are...ummmmm, being scammed and cheated by a man pretending to be single. Show him the gauntlet!


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

The question of "is he cheating" has now opened up on two levels. So I will attempt to clarify : 

a. is his confirmed online behavior cheating?
b. does this indicate there is likely far more serious transgressions happening already that I have yet to confirm?

I can say with confidence :

a. yes
b. yes

I do NOT buy the "I will stay with friends for a few days" story either.

He's hiding a LOT more yet and he is distancing himself to cover his tracks.

He will spend the next two or three days in damage control mode. Cleaning up any evidence he may have left behind.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

nicolej1024 said:


> Is there a way to salvage this marriage? I love him so much, we have a good life.


He is the one that should be asking that question; and depending on his demonstration of remorse, you are the one to answer it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you checked cell records, texts, emails to see if there is unusual activity?

You should check every number on the phone bill.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Have you checked cell records, texts, emails to see if there is unusual activity?
> 
> You should check every number on the phone bill.


Yup.

It's time to do some detective work while he's away.

DO NOT ask him for this information.

The objective here is to get yourself into an informed position.

Right now you have no idea what is happening in your own home.

You have gotten a hint that there is more than you know. But you have no idea how deep or extensive this goes until you do your own uninhibited, unrestricted detective work.

Start with his phone records.


Just start collecting intel.

Take advantage of your free time.

Warning : do NOT confront him with anything you find. Do NOT confront him with any of your intel.

The less he knows about your detective work the better off YOU are.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

It is cheating and it may just be the tip of the iceberg. 

At this point, your mind is racing and you just want your marriage to be the way is was before you found this information out. We as BS's will want to do and believe anything just to have our "old" and peaceful life back. This behavior is called rug-sweeping and it never works. 

Usually when a couple rug sweeps, problems don't get resolved and the cheater goes back to cheating because there were no consequences and/or the BS starts stewing and resentment breeds. 

Keep quiet for now (it's hard but will payoff in a big way) and secretly snoop on your husband. You want to find out everything you can so you have a full stock of ammunition for when he starts lying to you. 

You can go through the cell phone bill and investigate times and numbers. You can install a key logging device on the home computer that will capture all his keystrokes so you can see what websites he is visiting and who he might be chatting with. You can install a voice activated recorder (VAR) in his car to see who he is calling and what he is saying. Most people talk freely while alone in their car so this is usually a pretty quick method.

He wants your marriage to work out but for some reason he wanted it to work out with you while he cheated on the side. This is called "cake eating" and most cheaters stick with this method because it has many benefits of course. 

I am sorry to read you are hear but people here can help. Obviously, we've all been there as they say so we can help if you stay. 

Read other peoples stories and you will find yours is not uncommon. Just remember to think and read before you act. You did the smart thing by finding this website now instead of years later like some of us did. 

Best of luck.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Of course it's cheating! Did he tell you about it beforehand? No. Committed spouses don't register for a dating site because they are curious. They KNOW what's on there, they are not that stupid.

Many people use this 'safety net' of online cheating as a way of getting their jollies so they can tell themselves they are not really cheating. I know, I've been through it 3 times with my FWH.

After they are caught they themselves cannot believe how quickly the 'harmless flirting' turned into something very real to them and soon they are in an exclusive online affair and telling the AP they love them. I also know about this aspect, it's very addictive.

Stop it now, do not let him get away with trying to convince you this is harmless, it is not. Let him know this is a deal-breaker.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Remains said:


> You don't register on a dating site out of 'curiosity'. He is totally messing with you.


:iagree:


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Not physically of course but no reason to assume he didnt want it to be. You can save this. Him being unmonitored right now is not the best thing. He can use it as an excuse and say he thought you guys were seperated.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

A few weeks back during the Olympics, the media was reporting that the athletes were engaging in a lot of sex. The claim was that there were about 2500 athletes and 10,000 condoms in the Olympic village.

They went on to report that the hook-up tool of choice was an app called "Tinder" Now, I don't have stats but I would be willing to bet the app got downloaded more after that article(s) than it had previously up until that point. Mostly by curious people. Not just people actively looking to cheat.

Here is one of many such articles from the web: 
The Tinder Games: Olympic athletes playing coy about smartphone app | 2014 Winter Games

So, while I understand the mindset here to immediately brand anyone and anything as a bunch of cheating cheaters, it is simply not the case.

I'm not saying he isn't cheating, and I personally question the ongoing chats with people he met on there but I do know the app is NOT a "dating website" and you do not have to register a profile at all. You simply install it like any other app and when you run it the first time, just like any game or other app, you put a user name and password or just click "log in with Facebook" it's not like your filling out a dating profile. Those who are claiming and agreeing here that:

"You don't register on a dating site out of 'curiosity'. He is totally messing with you"

1. have not ever seen the app and don't know how it works.
2. Are making assumptions with no facts.
3. Are giving BAD advise based on wrong assumptions.

Keep in mind many people here think of Facebook as a cheating tool that should be banned simply because some people have used it for this. I'm sure far more people use it and don't cheat than do.

People check out websites and apps based on seeing them in the media all the time, denying that reality to promote your view that someone must be cheating is just wrong.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Sorry you are here. Yes it's a form of cheating. It may not be physical, but no matter, you boundaries are clearly defined, I like that. You know that when a person does that he/she is fishing. Is your marriage strong, is there complacency, etc.. You being a nurse is not easy, being a nurse with kids and a marriage, is hard. All the above mentioned, now add 200cc's of stupidity. Your husband is wrong, you need to hear that. If you were doing that and he found out, he would flip. I would. Right then and there I would put him on the hotseat. If he really wanted to work on the marriage, then he should have been working on the marriage, not working to destroy it. Because that's what he is doing and that's where it starts. Man married to nurse, that's a nice boon, in case you get hurt, you have a life saver right there, he's not very smart, sorry. I'm not in your shoes, so this is a grain of salt comment. Blow this up, right now. He needs to set his boundaries like yourself. It's the only way to truly fix what is slowly starting fizzle. I wished I had married the first time, with someone who has your faithful nature. But I didn't, but when I made it out of that mess and the smoke cleared, I came across a great woman, life partner, lover, mother of my children and most importantly a friend, my best friend. It sounds like that is who you are, maybe your husband should pull his head out of his b*** and realize he might be losing the best thing he knows. Good luck.


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