# I hate my Husband's Friends!!! HELP!



## amberwaves1979

Hi everyone! New here.  SO here goes, My husband has a group of friends he has had since before I knew him. When I started dating him, I was okay with his friends, but just OK. Cause they were pretty mean about girls, making fun of them, gossiped allot about each other, drank and partied EVERY night. Not kidding. I dealt with them, then we got married. I started not being happy when my husband went out with them, since they were going out with girl after girl, drinking it up...you know bachelor stuff. I felt uncomfortable about him hanging with them.

We have been married 6 years now....and everything is the same with his friends. None are married....and they go out...drink...pot....unemployment...etc...

My husband is a manager at a firm, we have a daughter, we are doing well financially. We have small arguments here and there of course, but everytime the topic comes up about him and hanging out with those friends....WE FIGHT. Really FIGHT.  He cant stand that I am judgmental of them. That I dont know them....he defends them to the death. I don't like that his friends make us fight.

What should I do? My husband won't even talk to me right now. It is so bad, that he left tonight. Why do I feel like the bad person in this whole thing? Am I really that horrible for thinking this way? Please tell me whatever you think....not what I want to hear. 

Thanks!!!!


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## turnera

Get him this book and tell him if he doesn't read it, you will separate:

Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. from Help for Men, Mentor for Men, Men's Groups, Relationship Advice, Life Coach.


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## NoIssues

amberwaves1979 said:


> I don't like that his friends make us fight.


This quote is ridiculous. Take responsibility for one thing and put the rest on your husband. 

His friends dont make you fight. You choose it and so does your husband. 

I dont like what they are about either but you are playing with fire and signed up much of it when you married him before he grew out of them. 

One of my wifes "friends" is a dirtbag in my opinion. I asked her about it. I am a littel embarrassed to say my wifes response was its like watching a Jerry Springer show or a train wreck. 

She gets some amusement, has some coffee and then I goes home thankful sher doesnt have a ****ed up life like her "friend" does. 

You can disengage from some of the time spent with these clowns and find other interests or friends. maybe your husband will want to tag along. Its called expanding your horizons.


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## Trenton

I read this topic to read, "I ate my husband's friends!!! HELP!"

I was going to tell you to call 911 but now I'm at a total loss.

Although it sounds like his friends have not grown up. You have to let him realize this for himself or he will resent you.


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## that_girl

My husband's friends are morons too. Slowly, they are growing up, but dang...

I have learned to say NOTHING. He's realizing things on his own. I trust my husband. His friends do things I don't like, but my husband has his own boundaries.


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## tacoma

I don`t know what to tell you.
I stopped hanging with my moron friends before I got married.

They`re all pretty much still morons doing the same moronic crap.

As long as they aren`t having any influence directly on your relationship you might just try to deal with it until he realizes they`re morons.

I dunno.


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## omega

How about trying to get to know them better? 

(This is more of a "what do you think about..." than an actual suggestion, but is it something you've considered?)


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## deejov

My H's unmarried wild friends don't talk to him anymore very much. 
It was made clear to my H by an older male family member when he got married that he needed to stop hanging out with them, "never give your wife a reason to suspect your behavior". 

The one that still comes around... is more MY friend than his. 
We even talk and joke about dating, I'm always "looking" for a good match for him. 

Maybe make an effort to make some new friends, couples in particular. 

He does have one friend that has two small children and leaves his wife home with the kids to go to the bar after work at least 3 nights a week. His marriage sucks. His wife hates it. They fight about it all the time. It's not normal to do this, and if it bothers you, your husband should STOP, or better yet, STOP drinking. You will be amazed how fast those friends will disappear if you only want to do things outside of a bar.


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## turnera

deejoy, that's what the Hold On To Your N.U.T.S book talks about - once you get married, you're making a choice to find a balance.


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## deejov

turnera said:


> deejoy, that's what the Hold On To Your N.U.T.S book talks about - once you get married, you're making a choice to find a balance.


I figured that... I've heard its a good resource. Too bad more young guys don't get some marital advice \ have mentors to give them pointers. (thank goodness for the internet, eh)


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## Zzyzx

For the wives, don't take things to the other extreme, that is to say, don't ban him his friends. Yes sure you should vet his friends as he needs to vet yours. Be open to the possibility that some friend(s) may be good guy(s). One big reason my ex is my ex is she wouldn't even allow the good friends in my life.

If you find all his friends to be unacceptable, you have to encourage him to find friendships with better men. However that is much easier said than done for most men, must keep that in mind.


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## deejov

I think sometimes it's not the friends.. but rather what they do when they are together.

Either spouse probably has no issues with going out with friends to a movie or sporting event. But when you say you are going out to a bar full of single people and going to get drunk and be silly and hang out with someone who is only there to try and pick up a chick ... defenses get up.

More along the lines that once married it is time to stop putting yourself in the singles scene. There must be lots of other things to do in life?


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## turnera

Invite the friends over - with RULES.


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## Laurae1967

I guess I would want to know how these friends are negatively impacting your husband's behavior. If he is a good husband, is faithful, spends a good amount of time with you and your daughter and is not getting into trouble, I am not sure you have any grounds to demand he drop his friends.

You married him knowing who his friends are. Maybe the smart thing to do is embrace them, get to know them, and make them a bigger part of your family. You might show them that family life is something to aspire to, not something to avoid.

Men need to have outlets just like women do. As long as your husband is putting your marriage first and not engaging in inappropriate behavior, maybe you could shock him and tell him that you trust him, that you love him, and you want him to have fun with his friends!


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## thinkingoutloud

Okay, after reading your complaint and all the replies I am wondering if any of the advice posted is posted by other married people who have themselves grown up. When two people get married it really doesn't matter what he was doing prior to the marriage you both make a commitment to each other, not the friends. Marriage is tough enough without having single friends that are out having fun and your spouse is still wanting to hang out with them. I have been married for over 30 years and let me tell you it has not at all been easy. I have put up with a lot and when my husband and I talk about it from time to time he see's where he really lost out going out to bars with his single friends. Our children don't share their secrets with him they talk to me. That is just one example. Our relationship isn't as good as it was before we married because he made me a priority and then he made me secondary to his friends once we were married. For anyone to tell you to deal with it doesn't get what marriage really is. Marriage is a union between two people who have agreed to love, honor and respect one another. If he is finding going to bars with his single girl hunting buddies is fun then I have to ask what does he do when they meet these girls? Is he expecting you to believe there isn't a girl or two hitting on him and what does he do with that? Just something to think about. He needs to grow up. He made a commitment and he needs to be true to it. He doesn't have to get rid of the friends, but maybe instead of bars he could have them over for sports night or something more appropriate.


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