# Do any men here have divorce "success" stories?



## welldusted

I'm trying to face that the possibility of divorcing my cheating wife who does not seem to love and respect me anymore. I'm in my late 30s with two small kids, have a good job with high income but work a lot. I always struggle to imagine what divorce would look like for me -- huge increase in expenses from all the shared expenses that are now gone (an apartment big enough for me and two kids in a high COL city, for example), missed time with kids, would probably not be able to have them during the week because they'd wind up with a babysitter most of the time until I got home from work. 

I have things going for me in terms of dating -- good looks, in ok shape (gym 3x week), good job, I'd like to think a good personality. At the same time it's hard to imagine dating, even finding the time, not to mention I'd have the divorce albatross around my neck. I didn't date a lot before we married, we were young when we met. We've been together 17 years.

Are there any men specifically out there who can say "actually it's not so bad" "I'm happier now" "it was a good thing we split up"? I feel like all I read are negatives, sad stories, men who feel alone, etc.


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## dadstartingover

Ummm... I'm not sure exactly what men you're talking to, but I've been talking to men who are exactly in your shoes (post-divorce, infidelity, kids, etc) for the past five years, and I can honestly tell you that every single one of the guys say they are way better off now than before. 

Things you can look forward to:

1. Increased income. My wife made more money than me. She leaves. All of a sudden I have more in savings. I'm paying bills with no problems. Unnecessary spending... gone. Then my job situation improves. More money. Now I make roughly twice what I did. This seems to be the norm.

2. Good looking guy? You keep in good shape? Congrats, you're in the top 10%. Remember what 20 year olds were like? Well, you're about to find out again.

3. Nobody cares that you're divorced. Everyone has baggage galore. 

With that being said...

Forget about women. Seriously. You are waaaaaay too early in the process to even consider bringing other humans into your world. You're broken. Big time. Learn to live on your own and get your sh*t in line. You're conditioned to think that a relationship is the end game. "Wife gone... time to find a replacement!" You can tell yourself all you want that you're just casually dating... until you meet THE ONE and she has you falling head over heels in love again. 

You can’t trust yourself. Take time to heal.


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## Marc878

welldusted said:


> I'm trying to face that the possibility of divorcing my cheating wife who does not seem to love and respect me anymore. I'm in my late 30s with two small kids, have a good job with high income but work a lot. I always struggle to imagine what divorce would look like for me -- huge increase in expenses from all the shared expenses that are now gone (an apartment big enough for me and two kids in a high COL city, for example), missed time with kids, would probably not be able to have them during the week because they'd wind up with a babysitter most of the time until I got home from work.
> 
> I have things going for me in terms of dating -- good looks, in ok shape (gym 3x week), good job, I'd like to think a good personality. At the same time it's hard to imagine dating, even finding the time, not to mention I'd have the divorce albatross around my neck. I didn't date a lot before we married, we were young when we met. We've been together 17 years.
> 
> Are there any men specifically out there who can say "actually it's not so bad" "I'm happier now" "it was a good thing we split up"? I feel like all I read are negatives, sad stories, men who feel alone, etc.


You're way to young to waste your time or life in this.

Stop waffling. She's already gone.

Start looking out for you.

Hard 180 no contact and action is your best path forward.


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## welldusted

What about the kids? How do you get used to not having your kids hug you every day when you come home, seeing them only on weekends or whatever?


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## oldshirt

Are you serious??

Yeah I know a successful divorce story. 

There was this guy who's wife was a cheating ho so he divorced her. 

So now he's no longer yoked to a cheating ho that disrespects and emasculates him and has other guys stuff dripping out of her and into his bed. 

SUCCESS!!!! :-D


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## Marc878

welldusted said:


> What about the kids? How do you get used to not having your kids hug you every day when you come home, seeing them only on weekends or whatever?


You get 50/50 and your time with them is more focused.

Unless you want to wallow in infidelity until she dumps you anyway.


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## oldshirt

But not only that, now he doesn't have to deal with any of her crap. He only has the kids half the time so the other 3-4 days out of the week he can do whatever he wants or plop on the couch and do absolutely nothing if he wants. 

And since he doesn't have as many day to day expenses and doesn't have kids to contend with for half the week, he is able to get back into some of his hobbies, he's able to pull some extra shifts at work for extra $$ if he wants and he's able to reconnect with some of his old buddies and has made some new friends in doing some of his favorite hobbies again. 

And since he is a healthy, gainfully employed and not obese and slovenly single man that doesn't have kids to deal with several days out of the week, he is able to date a variety of women; many of whom are 10+ years younger than he is. 

So yeah. 

Living that kind of life vs living with a cheating wife who disrespects and humiliates you... your darn toot'n right there are success stories.


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## oldshirt

welldusted said:


> What about the kids? How do you get used to not having your kids hug you every day when you come home, seeing them only on weekends or whatever?



Dude, do you know how many guys would love to not have to deal with the kids every day. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids dearly and I would go into a burning building and burn myself up to protect them. But I'd love to have a few days out of the week where I didn't have to put up with their crap. 

You are divorcing the cheating ho, not the kids. You can still be completely involved in their lives even if you don't see them every day. The other days of the week you can do whatever you want - including nothing if you just want to sit on your arse all day.


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## Rhubarb

welldusted said:


> Are there any men specifically out there who can say "actually it's not so bad" "I'm happier now" "it was a good thing we split up"? I feel like all I read are negatives, sad stories, men who feel alone, etc.


I got divorced at 53 after my ex cheated. I got to the gym and got in great shape, took my son, found a very good women in fantastic shape who was also divorced with a couple of kids and two year later was remarried. My wife loves to travel and we go to lots of cool places. I never traveled much before but in the couple years I've been with her I've been to Paris, Prague, Rome, London, Edinburgh, Bangkok, Athens, Moscow, St Petersburg and a few other places. She's now opening a business and I'm working on my dream project. Life's good!


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## arbitrator

*Just being out of the presence of my RSXW's lying, cheating a$$ is success enough!*


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## Quality

The key I've found to a successful divorce is finishing off the relationship with no regrets and no second guessing that it could have been fixed. IRL my wife and I have helped hundreds of couples save their marriages after infidelity a few even after the divorce was finalized. There is USUALLY hope for reconciliation and repentance and then you can remain with your children 100% of the time. 

You don't have to choose reconciliation or even to try for reconciliation. Divorce is your right and I've coached many men through a divorce as well. You just don't want to be that divorced guy 5 years from now that wonders whether the marriage might have been redeemable and live with "what if" regrets. Finish your marriage well would be my suggestion and then stay single for awhile to figure things out and to be there for your kids {they have enough problems considering their mom is wayward}. 

There are many consequences to adultery and one of those is divorce but there are also consequences to divorce that MAY more seriously impact your children {and their children and so on for the rest of their lives} that COULD be minimized IF you recovered your marriage. Then again, there are consequences to simply staying married "for the kids" that are unhealthy as well. It's tough choices and I'm sorry you are going through this. 


Maybe these articles will help with your decision process:

WHEN TO CALL IT QUITS



INFIDELITY: THE LESSONS CHILDREN LEARN


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## Married but Happy

The hardest part in deciding to leave was not seeing my son every day. You adjust, and the time you do spend is often more focused. You can actually build a better, closer relationship with your kids. There is also the bonus that they will not model their future relationships on your current dysfunctional marriage, especially if you eventually develop a healthier relationship with someone else. That worked for mine.

Everything else was better, too. I immediately felt the oppressive weight of a bad marriage lift once I moved out. I was soon dating great women, many of whom were younger, prettier, smarter, warmer, far sexier, and more stable than my ex. Yes, I was - and am - very successful in my new life, new marriage.


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## C3156

welldusted said:


> Are there any men specifically out there who can say "actually it's not so bad" "I'm happier now" "it was a good thing we split up"? I feel like all I read are negatives, sad stories, men who feel alone, etc.


Okay, let's be honest. The beginning sucks as you wade through the divorce process and separate everything that you built together. You will grieve the loss of your marriage and get angry with you stbx. At some point, you [hopefully] will come to realize what a great thing your stbx has done for you by setting you free to live you life.

I can honestly say that once I got over the butt hurt of divorce and moved on down the road a bit, life was much better. Not only did I have time to do the things I wanted, I also ended up having more money in the bank. I got to spend a lot of quality time with my kids and on my hobbies when they were spending time with their mom. I was so much happier not having to deal with her crap anymore. As the saying goes, time heals all wounds, and it is true. But it does take time, it is not like it happens over night, so temper your expectations.

Moving forward, you need to plan your divorce. Don't tell your stbx what you are doing either. Use the internet to help you determine your goals and to learn about the divorce statutes in your state. There are Dad friendly sites that will give you very candid responses to your questions and help you strategize for the coming events. Your goal should be an amiable divorce with a 50/50 split on custody. Money and assets can be negotiated.

Remember, money is not everything nor does it buy happiness. You need to come up with a plan that you can see your kids on a regular basis (By that I mean 50% of the time) and not become the every other weekend Dad. Kids need both of their parents in their lives. I mention money because you need to work out a schedule that gets you home to be with them. It may mean a cut in hours, a new job, a new location, or get creative with how you work (telework from home?). Your kids should be a priority, not making tones of money. They will need you more than ever if the divorce happens, you need to be there for them.

You can have a good life after divorce, but you have to put in the time. Remember the 7 P's: Proper planning and preparation prevents piss poor performance.


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## Ynot

I suffered from many of the same concerns as you do. But they, just like almost every other fear you have, are contrived in your own mind. Once you face them, you find that you have exaggerated them to be much bigger than they really are. In fact, you will find that many of the things you feared, were things you should never have feared in the first place, but rather looked forward to embracing them.


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## Bananapeel

I was in a situation like yours and I divorced my cheating ex about 2.5 years ago. I'm also attractive, fit, and professionally/financially successful and have no problems dating women that are younger, hotter, smarter, more successful, and better in bed than my ex. There will be an adjustment period for you and the kids, but once you get through that life gets to be much better. I have more time, money, and am generally happier than when I was married.


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## Ynot

welldusted said:


> What about the kids? How do you get used to not having your kids hug you every day when you come home, seeing them only on weekends or whatever?


Believe me, your kids will be much better off having at least one healthy happy parent, than they would be living in a house with two unhappy ones. Also realize this - all that time with your kids is only temporary. As they get older they won't want you around quite so much.


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## Wolf1974

Yes!!

Life is much better now. I get to live life on my own terms without having a cheating spouse run me down. My career got back on track, new house, new car, new and improved body although I was never that far out of shape to begin with lol.

Dating was a blast and still enjoy it. The one part that does suck is sharing my kids. It’s hard to not have them here every day and every holiday. I still believe the time will come when they ask to live with me full time and I have the money set aside for a lawyer when that day comes.

Only regret iof divorcing my x cheating spouse is I didn’t do it sooner. Stop wasting time and start your new life.


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## Ynot

It is kind of funny. There was just a thread about why women file 80% of the time. Many women have been told that their life can be better after a divorce. Yet many men are told the opposite. That life after divorce for men, loneliness, despair, debt doom and gloom. Yet, if you are willing to learn the lessons, life can be very good and much better than it was living that life of quiet desperation while married to someone you are not compatible with.


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## Bananapeel

Statistically women as a group are far worse off after divorce financially then men, even when you figure in alimony (hopefully you don't get stuck with this) and child support. Being a single mother is a major risk factor for poverty. It took me about 2 years to bounce back and now I'm much better off financially than when I was married. I know money isn't everything but it sure can have a noticeable impact on happiness.


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## Rowan

Ynot said:


> It is kind of funny. There was just a thread about why women file 80% of the time. Many women have been told that their life can be better after a divorce. Yet many men are told the opposite. That life after divorce for men, loneliness, despair, debt doom and gloom. Yet, if you are willing to learn the lessons, life can be very good and much better than it was living that life of quiet desperation while married to someone you are not compatible with.


I often wonder about this when reading here. I figured that my life would have to be better without my cheating asshat of a husband, no matter how things shook out financially. There just had to be a an upside to not spending every day with someone who had a vested interest in helping me to feel bad about myself. And there was. Some things, like the house and the lifestyle, just come at too high a price. My happiness, my health, my sanity were simply worth more to me than any financial or social benefits that I was getting from my marriage. 

But, it seems that men are often taught that they're going to suffer terribly if they divorce and that staying married is worth it, no matter what. I'm not sure why we don't seem to be teaching men that their self-respect and mental, emotional, and physical health are worth more than whatever they might lose financially in a divorce. And, honestly, laws are much more equitable in many places than most men seem to imagine. In my state, and many others, the presumption is 50/50 custody, no alimony beyond 2 years (and then only if the wife was a SAHM), and equitable division of assets, unless there are some _really_ extraordinary circumstances. Yes, sharing custody of the children is rough. But it also forces you to make the time you do have together more meaningful. I think far too many men either have a very real scarcity mindset, or are simply too focused on the financial aspects for their own good. I always encourage guys to find out from a competent local divorce attorney what the reality of a divorce would look like for them, so that they can decide based on real-world facts (instead of fear) whether it's really "cheaper to keep her". Not spending every day with someone who doesn't love you and you can't trust is actually worth quite a lot.


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## welldusted

Quality said:


> The key I've found to a successful divorce is finishing off the relationship with no regrets and no second guessing that it could have been fixed. IRL my wife and I have helped hundreds of couples save their marriages after infidelity a few even after the divorce was finalized. There is USUALLY hope for reconciliation and repentance and then you can remain with your children 100% of the time.
> 
> You don't have to choose reconciliation or even to try for reconciliation. Divorce is your right and I've coached many men through a divorce as well. You just don't want to be that divorced guy 5 years from now that wonders whether the marriage might have been redeemable and live with "what if" regrets. Finish your marriage well would be my suggestion and then stay single for awhile to figure things out and to be there for your kids {they have enough problems considering their mom is wayward}.
> 
> There are many consequences to adultery and one of those is divorce but there are also consequences to divorce that MAY more seriously impact your children {and their children and so on for the rest of their lives} that COULD be minimized IF you recovered your marriage. Then again, there are consequences to simply staying married "for the kids" that are unhealthy as well. It's tough choices and I'm sorry you are going through this.
> 
> 
> Maybe these articles will help with your decision process:
> 
> WHEN TO CALL IT QUITS
> 
> 
> 
> INFIDELITY: THE LESSONS CHILDREN LEARN


Thanks. My story is in more detail in my posts in my other thread in Coping With Infidelity, would appreciate your thoughts. As you say, there can be consequences for the children, and I don't want to harm them. Until recently, I never would have thought this was an "unsalvageable" marriage, but her behavior in the last several months is changing my mind. I'm still going to consult with a lawyer though.


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## Ynot

welldusted said:


> Thanks. My story is in more detail in my posts in my other thread in Coping With Infidelity, would appreciate your thoughts. As you say, there can be consequences for the children, and I don't want to harm them. Until recently, I never would have thought this was an "unsalvageable" marriage, but her behavior in the last several months is changing my mind. I'm still going to consult with a lawyer though.


As far as the children go, what many people don't realize is that you are doing more harm keeping them in an unhealthy situation full of unhappiness than you ever do by divorcing. Kids are like sponges, they absorb everything around them. Do you really want to have your children think cheating and unhappiness is something normal that they should just tolerate?


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## Steve1000

oldshirt said:


> Are you serious??
> 
> Yeah I know a successful divorce story.
> 
> There was this guy who's wife was a cheating ho so he divorced her.
> 
> So now he's no longer yoked to a cheating ho that disrespects and emasculates him and has other guys stuff dripping out of her and into his bed.
> 
> SUCCESS!!!! :-D


You must have gotten an 'A' in vivid writing class.


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## Ynot

Rowan said:


> I often wonder about this when reading here. I figured that my life would have to be better without my cheating asshat of a husband, no matter how things shook out financially. There just had to be a an upside to not spending every day with someone who had a vested interest in helping me to feel bad about myself. And there was. Some things, like the house and the lifestyle, just come at too high a price. My happiness, my health, my sanity were simply worth more to me than any financial or social benefits that I was getting from my marriage.
> 
> But, it seems that men are often taught that they're going to suffer terribly if they divorce and that staying married is worth it, no matter what. I'm not sure why we don't seem to be teaching men that their self-respect and mental, emotional, and physical health are worth more than whatever they might lose financially in a divorce. And, honestly, laws are much more equitable in many places than most men seem to imagine. In my state, and many others, the presumption is 50/50 custody, no alimony beyond 2 years (and then only if the wife was a SAHM), and equitable division of assets, unless there are some _really_ extraordinary circumstances. Yes, sharing custody of the children is rough. But it also forces you to make the time you do have together more meaningful. I think far too many men either have a very real scarcity mindset, or are simply too focused on the financial aspects for their own good. I always encourage guys to find out from a competent local divorce attorney what the reality of a divorce would look like for them, so that they can decide based on real-world facts (instead of fear) whether it's really "cheaper to keep her". Not spending every day with someone who doesn't love you and you can't trust is actually worth quite a lot.


Fear and scarcity thinking is what keeps many of us stuck, even after a divorce.


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## sokillme

After my parents divorce (I was 7) I became much closer to my Father. We were forced to do stuff together, he was forced to cook for me, etc. Before the divorce he worked in his office and I mostly saw him at dinner, we never went anywhere just us, and if we did my Mom was the one who I was with really. Dad just basically did logistics.

I only saw him twice a week, but I am closer to him then almost all of my friends are to their own Fathers. I know him better then most of my friends do with their own Fathers.


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## sokillme

Is this women the only women you have been in love with? High school sweetheart and such? If so you have no idea how much better your life can be because you have only one point of reference, which is a marriage to someone who abuses you. Good marriages mean having a dependable loyal partner. They aren't a hindered to your happiness they help provide that for you. They make your life easier not harder. It will be revolutionary for you. Besides that being alone is not the agony you think it is, lots of people do it and are very happy. Everything you think about that is fear based. In a sense you are alone now because your wife had left you. You guys just live in the same house. 

I read your other post she asked for an open marriage. You think she cheated but it doesn't look like you confronted her. Now you say she is getting better? Maybe but she is doing it at the point of a gun. Is she in IC? What does getting better mean? 

It's very hard for people to change their character to do it they have to first acknowledge there is a problem with the character. Has she done this or is it just that you had a bad marriage and what she did was fine, but now she wants to have a good marriage. If it's the second the underlying problems are still there. Like a house whose foundation is rotting but has just been given a nice coat of paint. Sooner or later the rotten foundation is going to cause it to come crashing down. Since you didn't confront her has the cheating even been discussed? If not how can you fix everything. That is not going to go away if you don't deal with it. Eventually you will feel the pain from that again. 

The unfortunate fact is that not everyone has the stuff to be married.

You are still young and have many options. The potential for a much better life. 

Also I pains me to have to say this but DNA test your kids.


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## Thor

welldusted said:


> Are there any men specifically out there who can say "actually it's not so bad" "I'm happier now" "it was a good thing we split up"? I feel like all I read are negatives, sad stories, men who feel alone, etc.


Yup! Married more than 30 yrs to my college sweetheart.

Financially I came out ok. It was a fair settlement, and she wanted divorce done asap which was in my favor. Since you have a high income and kids, you need to have a good lawyer. Don't agree to anything verbally with your stbxw without first getting your lawyer's advice. Discuss with your lawyer if her infidelity is a factor in the settlement or child custody. Also consider what kind of leverage you might have socially with your wife and her brazen cheating.

Imho she sounds psychologically damaged or mentally ill. What she did was not normal. Ask your lawyer about how that might play in the child custody. Probably it isn't going to be a factor, but it is worth the 2 minutes of time to ask the lawyer.

Start documenting everything she does or doesn't do. I presume you are going to fight for 50% or even full custody. You need to document her parenting. Time she does or doesn't spend with the kids. If she yells at them, or abandons them. Substance abuse. Your lawyer can advise you, but you can get started documenting now.

For me, I found the stress level is pretty much zero. I have no contact with my xw outside of something minor to do with the adult children about once every 3 months. I love having my own space, and not having to account for my time or activities to anybody else.

Dating is ok, but I am pretty busy with my own life and don't put a lot of emphasis on dating. I don't desire getting married again, though I do enjoy female companionship. There are tons of women out there, and the good news is you can control how intense or casual of a relationship you want. You'll be busy with work and kids, so a woman is going to be the icing on top of your cake rather than being the entire cake. And you'll be fine!


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## Notself

Rowan said:


> But, it seems that men are often taught that they're going to suffer terribly if they divorce and that staying married is worth it, no matter what. I'm not sure why we don't seem to be teaching men that their self-respect and mental, emotional, and physical health are worth more than whatever they might lose financially in a divorce.


From what I've seen and experienced, women bounce back MUCH faster emotionally than men do after a divorce. I'm sure that 80% figure makes a difference with this, but I've seen it happen even when it was the male partner who filed. Women just do better. Personally, I knew I was much better off after my divorce, but it took me a solid five years, maybe six, to recover from the emotional devastation. Meanwhile, my ex acted like nothing happened at all. Now, she was a horrible person to be sure, but from what I've heard and seen this inequality of emotional outcomes is common, if not usual.


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## welldusted

sokillme said:


> I read your other post she asked for an open marriage. You think she cheated but it doesn't look like you confronted her. Now you say she is getting better? Maybe but she is doing it at the point of a gun. Is she in IC? What does getting better mean?


It's a little more complicated than that. She cheated one time that I was aware of (this was a couple months ago) and I confronted her and made clear that it was cheating and that it wasn't going to fly. She is in IC and we also started going to MC after this happened. We discussed the cheating a lot together and in counseling. We agreed that there could not be an "open marriage." At first I thought she was remorseful, but that feeling eroded. A week ago I found the condoms in her purse and asked her about it, and she made some excuse about how they were there from before, but I could smell the bull****. I didn't press because I wanted more evidence. Then in the last couple of days I discovered new evidence of cheating. I have not confronted her about that yet -- I only found the gloves last night.



> Also I pains me to have to say this but DNA test your kids.


Our kids are 6 and 2 and they are the spitting image of me and have very recognizable specific traits of mine. Until recently I had no reason to believe she was cheating, and I know that she met the AP after asking me for this "open marriage." I'm very perceptive, and she's not very good at hiding things. If there's even someone she vaguely thinks is attractive, I know immediately. I also know extensive details about the cheating through seeing their messages and her journal entries -- much more than she realizes I know. I know that this was some kind of new "crisis" or "awakening" she thinks she experienced recently, and that she met this guy online after asking me for an "open marriage." I am almost 100% sure that she did not cheat on me previously and there is no way they're not my kids.


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## M042

4 year divorced and much much happier. She didn't cheat on me, just the ILYBINILWY speech. Cheating would have been much easier to move on from I think.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

I divorced my cheating ex about a year ago. Its a bit of a tough transition at first. You are probably still dealing with the anger, sadness over the loss of your marriage. You have to quickly adjust from single life to dad life during the week.

So is my Life better? **** yes. I got rid of the source of my pain and the emasculation associated with her. Our marriage wasn't good enough to save honestly. The only reason for us to try and reconcile would have been for our daughter. But the ex was checked out and I couldn't trust her as far as I could throw her (and she was a rather large lady). Before we split, like you I didn't know what to make of my prospects after divorce. Would anybody love me again? I don't want to date and do that single bull**** again... You adjust and truth is , your wife will have it much harder than you.

What I did was this. I got a gym membership right after Dday. Once my X moved out, I started working on my game. Your confidence is likely smashed to **** right now, no reason to mope around eating cheese puffs, getting fat and bingeing on netflix. Get out there and get back your mojo your ex-***** stole from you. Download Tinder or whatever and after a few dates you will have your confidence back. From what you describe you should have no problems finding women. As long as you make decent income , decent looking, fit you are prime real estate. If your like me in your late 30's even better.

I am now in a relationship with a woman that is the complete opposite of my ex and those qualities remind me how much of a dumbass I was for marrying my wife. But hey, I was only together with her for a couple months before she got pregs, so I did the best I could. Now I have a woman that is kind, loving, FAITHFUL, and respects the hell out of me.


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## MovingForward

welldusted said:


> I'm trying to face that the possibility of divorcing my cheating wife who does not seem to love and respect me anymore. I'm in my late 30s with two small kids, have a good job with high income but work a lot. I always struggle to imagine what divorce would look like for me -- huge increase in expenses from all the shared expenses that are now gone (an apartment big enough for me and two kids in a high COL city, for example), missed time with kids, would probably not be able to have them during the week because they'd wind up with a babysitter most of the time until I got home from work.
> 
> I have things going for me in terms of dating -- good looks, in ok shape (gym 3x week), good job, I'd like to think a good personality. At the same time it's hard to imagine dating, even finding the time, not to mention I'd have the divorce albatross around my neck. I didn't date a lot before we married, we were young when we met. We've been together 17 years.
> 
> Are there any men specifically out there who can say "actually it's not so bad" "I'm happier now" "it was a good thing we split up"? I feel like all I read are negatives, sad stories, men who feel alone, etc.


Married young, together 12 + years, 2 kids, good income, work a lot and in my Mid 30's

Happened to me and I can honestly say its great, she cheated and left me so i did not have to make a decision but it worked out anyway.

I would not say I have the benefit of good looks,I am bald, look older than my age, on the shorter side and not in anyway way, shape or form photogenic so look even worse in pictures. 

Spend a few months in a depression, made a new group of friends, adjusted to single life and then out of nowhere one day had a ton of confidence and approached a really hot girl and gave her my number, we have been seeing each other for 7 months and it is still amazing. She is amazingly smart, affectionate, honest, beautiful and a genuinely nice person who brings out the best in me and goes out her way to make me feel good and improve myself. I do/did have some insecurities at first but been working on that with success and the relationship gets stronger and stronger. 

Another big plus is if you believe in Love Languages we both have the same one - Physical touch so lots and lots of sex and lots.

Not sure what your version of happy would look like, I thought mine was to be a bachelor and go and have sex with a bunch of girls but it didn't work for me, I need a connection so just made me feel worse about life but i have friends who's wives left and then were like a kid in a candy store with a different girl every night and were extremely happy doing that and hanging around doing guy stuff the rest of the time. You can make it into whatever you want to find your happy.


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## 2arebetter

Thanks OP for posting this. I feel like I'm in the same situation as you. I scared to death of only getting half time with my kids. Everything about your fears are the same as mine. I can honestly say reading through all these responses helps. I think I'm reasonably attractive and hoping to improve a bit at the gym. I do need to work on confidence thought too. I can't picture myself dating or even approaching women. I've never had that level of self confidence. My old college roommates actually give me a jabbing about being totally blind to a woman's interest in me. I am honestly looking forward to buying and fixing up my own house, fixing and using my motorcycle again, starting new hobbies, running more, and a lot of other little stuff. Coming to TAM and a good group of friends are helping me stay grounded to reality.

Hang in there...


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## DustyDog

Late 30s? Good job? No debt? On good terms with the ex?

Only one of the above?

I became single at 36. I had no kids. I had no savings, but no debt. Cars (nice ones) paid for. Income at the time of about $50,000 per year (mid 1990s). I am not a looker, I'm short, I don't possess the charisma or charm of an alpha male, but I'm a successful beta male (which means, I get things done by collaborating, not being pushy).

I was hot ****. I mean, i could not get the high-maintenance woman who knew all the brand names and knew exactly how to wear makeup, but I had a chance with any woman in my age range who would be desirable to 80% of the male population (by which I mean charming, not too needy and not too obsessed with money, and keeps herself in good shape).

Now - if you're not 'special' - if you have a clingy ex, or one that takes a lot of time, or if you're constantly unavailable due to the kids - or if you're not yet financially secure - you're not hot stuff, you're just normal.

So - what do you want?


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## Bananapeel

2arebetter said:


> Thanks OP for posting this. I feel like I'm in the same situation as you. I scared to death of only getting half time with my kids. Everything about your fears are the same as mine. I can honestly say reading through all these responses helps. I think I'm reasonably attractive and hoping to improve a bit at the gym. I do need to work on confidence thought too. I can't picture myself dating or even approaching women. I've never had that level of self confidence. My old college roommates actually give me a jabbing about being totally blind to a woman's interest in me. I am honestly looking forward to buying and fixing up my own house, fixing and using my motorcycle again, starting new hobbies, running more, and a lot of other little stuff. Coming to TAM and a good group of friends are helping me stay grounded to reality.
> 
> Hang in there...


Half time with the kids sucks...until you realize you have a half time free babysitter that really cares about your kids and they are being well taken care of between the two homes. Even when I was married I didn't always get enough quality time with the kids because I leaned on their mother to care for them when I worked late or headed in early. Now that it's half time custody I just rearranged my schedule so I'm around and fully focused on them when I have custody and I get the extra stuff done on the time they aren't here. So in reality, once you factor in the phone calls and the extra time I sneak in (e.g. driving them to places when their mom is working) I really haven't lost much quality time with them. But, I gained more freedom in how I parent and think that they are better off for it. So, just keep an open mind and you might find that this situation works out better for both you and your kids. 

As far as the confidence goes, there is a little trick to getting it. Just spend some time figuring out what your purpose is in life and then live your life in a way that furthers that purpose. If you know you are doing what you are meant to do, you'll radiate pride and external factors won't seem to bother you much which is how you develop confidence. That will make it a lot easier to approach women because you'll not need them to be happy or complete you, and then all you need to do is practice approaching/dating until you feel comfortable.


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## michzz

Removing a painful splinter is difficult and hurts for a moment. But then your finger feels better!

Divorcing a cheating spouse is magnitude orders way more painful and pain-removing than pulling out a splinter.

If you are worried that spousal support will ruin you financially, then figure out a way to avoid that as much as possible.

Get a lawyer to help you.

If possible, move to a state where that is limited, such as Texas. Three years maximum for spousal support.

If not? Maybe drop your income somehow for awhile during a divorce.

And definitely get your wife to boost her employment!

All that said, I am sorry you are going through this.

I wallowed and waffled for many years before giving my cheating ex the boot.

Life is better without someone willing to harm you like this with their selfishness.


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## it-guy

I was worried about all of these same things. I separated in 2011 and divorced in 2014. Divorced at 37 with 2 kids.

I am on the every other weekend plan with the kids. That sucked to get used to, but it is ok now. I spend very good quality time with them and that helps. They have also adjusted to it just fine.

I met another woman (who also has 2 kids) and we moved in together in 2016. Things have been great! I am very happy. All 4 kids in this new blended family are happy also. I can honestly say that my life is much better after making this change. 

My new girlfriend and I make more money together (about the same income as one another), and can do a lot more with the kids. We are not rich but we are very comfortable. And this is still while I pay a huge amount of child support. So no worries with money. We can also do a lot more with her 2 biological, and my 2 biological children together. Family vacations are a blast!

Probably the biggest thing is that I trust my girlfriend completely. She comes from a similar divorce situation. We would never be unfaithful to one another because we have been through that crap. We know how horrible it is to everyone involved including children. This trust improves your life tremendously vs staying with an unfaithful partner.


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## CTPlay

Sure, I'd like to raise my hand as a real life example.

I have 2 kids and a demanding job. I could not imagine ever surviving, but I did. Yes, dating is tough and tiresome but from the moment I left my cheating ex to where I am now was something I could not imagine. 

You will thrive. Sure, you'll have your moments, we all do. But you can do it. There are real life examples and many situations identical to your own here. Ask questions, get support. Find wisdom in the men who have gone before you and thrived.


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