# Pulling my hair out



## harley69 (Jun 12, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 17 years and married for 13. At this point I must say when we first got together my husband told me he didn't have a great sex drive, which came as a shock since we had a fantastic sex life for the first 5 years. Right up until our son was born and that's when things started to change. Our once healthy sex life gradually became less and less frequent and has been a complete wash out for the passed 2 years. 
We are both in are early 40's so not that old. 
After loads of discussion my husband went to see his doctor who sent him for various tests. Unfortunately they all came back as normal, other than him being Coeliac. So we are back to square one. He won't go back to see his doctor as he wasn't helpful and showed not sympathy at all.
My husband says he just hasn't got the urge anymore, but is very uncomfortable talking about it. He works away, so this doesn't help matters. He assures me I'm not to blame and that he still loves me and that he isn't having an affair. At this point I don't know what to think.... He makes no effort what so ever to be intimate and if I try to start anything he either makes out he's asleep, turns over or just blanks me. To help release any pressure I stopped asking for him for sex, but that hasn't made a difference. In fact he seems to enjoy how things are. Can't say the same for me though. I'm just feeling worse and worse. Trouble is I love him to bits. The rest of the relationship is brilliant. We like the same things and work well together as a couple. Arh its so hard.... 
A sexless marriage will most probably thrive if both parties feel the same, but I really miss it. I miss him... Does that make me a bad person ??????

Any advice will be deeply appreciated.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Others will give you more relationship advice, but I just wanted to quickly say that a coeliac diagnosis is not to be shrugged off, because it can really mess with health and hormones.


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## harley69 (Jun 12, 2013)

I didn't mean to diss Coeliac disease. I've gone to great lengths to learn gluten free cooking to make sure my husband can enjoy home cooked food. I only dismissed it as the doctor didn't link it to his ED...


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

No!! YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON! 

Forgive my yelling...I am just so frustrated for all you women out there in a sexless relationship. OMG...I don't get it. Does he use porn? If so, there are studies that indicate that it is a cause for sexless marriages. Is his gay? If so, admit it and end this sham of a marriage. I'm sorry, but HE is the bad person here. :rant:

I am so, so sorry that you are in this situation. The only suggestion is to sit him down and tell him that you are unwilling to spend you life in a sexless marriage. Either he gets therapy, or it is over.

Wish I had a better suggestion.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Romantic Guy...not to pick on you, but "is he gay" is what every woman hears when she brings up that her husband is LD. And it can be very hurtful.

Of course there will be cases where a man is gay and is hiding it from himself, meanwhile his wife is baffled by his lack of a sex drive.

But the overwhelming majority of the cases (based on reading literally hundreds of stories by HD women with LD men) is that the man is simply LD, not gay.

More men are LD than anyone probably realizes, unless they are reading all these stories.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Your hubby sounds like my wife.

There is nothing wrong with you and you are not a bad person.

Your hubby should be taking care of your needs regardless because that is part of being married. He is not his own anymore.

By him saying sex isn't important to him and he's fine with that tells me he is having an EA, PA, doubt he is gay, or he needs testosterone shots from the family Dr.

I would better myself, go out more and be less dependent on him.

Even flirt and chat with other guys so you feel better.

Check were he surfs, texts, look for hidden magazines?


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## harley69 (Jun 12, 2013)

Romantic Guy.... I have already asked him the question and he is adamant he's not gay.

Yes he has watched porn, but I don't know to what extent. Why is beyond me since he's forever saying Sex doesn't interest him. 

Maybe he's just living a lie and dragging me into it.... That's how is starting to feel.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

harley....Some men replace their sex lives with porn. If that is what is happening in your marriage, you should find out.


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## harley69 (Jun 12, 2013)

Not easy when he spends ever other month working abroad....


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## harley69 (Jun 12, 2013)

Are there any blokes out there with a low or no sex drive.... Would be nice to hear your views since my husband doesn't like talking about it... There has got to be more to it...


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What device does he use to watch pornv


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

harley69 said:


> Not easy when he spends ever other month working abroad....


Well, well. Are we talking abroad like a reasonable place where women, like, drive and such, or abroad like, say, Middle East or worse?


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## harley69 (Jun 12, 2013)

He works in Russia.... As for the porn hes got the laptop and DvD player so could be either one.

I would like to add he's not a drinker and whilst he's away we communicate every evening via Skype. So can't imagine he has a guess there with him.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

harley69 said:


> Are there any blokes out there with a low or no sex drive.... Would be nice to hear your views since my *husband doesn't like talking about it*... There has got to be more to it...


So what? I don't like my dentist either. Does that mean I should stop seeing him?

He has to talk about it. Other LD men will not solve your issues with him. 

If I were you I would start a conversation in person or via skype with a very simple fact:

I'm unhappy in our sexless marriage. 

And I would stop talking to hear his response.


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## harley69 (Jun 12, 2013)

I have tried and tried to talk about it. His response is always the same... "I don't even think about sex.... If a gorgeous girl walks passed me in the street I don't even get a twitch... And he never gets spontaneous erections....oh and it's not my fault....blah blah blah.... Then he goes quite and seems annoyed.

Trouble is if its not my fault, why am I getting punished... Or that's how it feels.


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## harley69 (Jun 12, 2013)

He just doesn't seem to care that it have needs.... There are other things he could do to try other than intercourse, but nope im not even worth that. Just no interest what so ever.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

harley69 said:


> He just doesn't seem to care that it have needs.... There are other things he could do to try other than intercourse, but nope im not even worth that. Just no interest what so ever.


I don't think there is anything else that you can do other than talking right now. Tell him how *you* feel and tell him what *you* need to be happy in short, concise sentences. Ask him what he proposes to do about it then wait for an answer. Don't allow him to ignore it.


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## harley69 (Jun 12, 2013)

I wish it was that simple.... Takes 2 to talk. He shuts down and I get even more upset. Then afterwards I feel guilty.

I can't even confide in my friends or family, which is why I resorted to coming on here.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

I was unhappy with my once-a-month situation and it was similar situation like yours since she was uncomfortable talking about it as well. I was persistent. For about three weeks almost every other day I would initiate this conversation mostly telling her how I feel and what I need. Eventually she relaxed enough to have a meaningful conversation without avoiding, crying and blaming herself. We did come up with the solution for our mismatched drives.

Be persistent. It's your life and your happiness at stake here. When you feel that he answered all your questions then decide what you want to do.


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## harley69 (Jun 12, 2013)

I'm glad you managed to sort it out. My husband said give it time and it'll sort itself out.

Im starting to think he doesn't want the marriage to work, but is too gutless to say. He knows how I feel, maybe he's hoping I'll walk. 

These are just some of the thought going through my head.


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Romantic Guy...not to pick on you, but "is he gay" is what every woman hears when she brings up that her husband is LD. And it can be very hurtful.
> 
> Of course there will be cases where a man is gay and is hiding it from himself, meanwhile his wife is baffled by his lack of a sex drive.
> 
> ...


 we ran of 4 kldds quickly, and wound up with a stray, and a very full house. I spent the past 45 years trying to PROVIDE for their needs, and raise grand children for my adult CHILDREN that cant get along eith anyone more than 5 years. just simply tired,unintrested,and sex causes kidds. my wife thought the more the merrier. family life takes more than the blame nonsense the younger folks, are locked into.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

harley69 said:


> My husband said give it time and it'll sort itself out.


Like I said, don't allow him to ignore your issues. This is him ignoring you.


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

how many wives gained 100 lb and think they are still lovely???


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## harley69 (Jun 12, 2013)

In 17 years I've gone up 1 trouser size. If its down to looks, then why can't the men say so without having to use every excuse under the sun.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

While it may be physical, I did some research, and apparently 20-40 percent of men have LD....And the main reason other than physical problems is hidden anger/resentment....

This rings pretty true with me, as my wife's episode of LD was primarily resentment fueled. 

Many women have lots of free time, and toxic friends...It doesn't take many "my husband is a real pr1ck" phone conversations before symptoms show up in the bedroom...

On the other hand, a wife who doesn't express appreciation of the contributions her man makes to the marriage, will start chipping away at his self esteem, and libido. Try spending some non sexual free times with your H. Make a conscious effort to build up his sense of self....Hints that he might be gay are not helping your cause....

Visualize his penis getting a little more erect each time you tell him something positive....It may take time, but you cant hurt anything using this strategy.......

A confident man is a horny man......

good luck
the woodchuck


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## harley69 (Jun 12, 2013)

Trust me I do show appreciation to my husband and he knows it too. I'm not the usual wife who sits back and make demands. i dont drink, i hate shopping and im always ready to roll up my sleeves to help him on what ever needs doing.Taking away the lack of bedroom activity, we get on great.

If he has self esteem problems then its not down to me. I never hinted he was gay. I asked him out right, after finding some pics.... He said it was just curiosity and I left it at that.

All I want is the truth.... To know where i stand and to help where can. Brushing it under the carpet isn't helping matters, but can I get this through to him. NO !!!!


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## harley69 (Jun 12, 2013)

Look I'm not here to tear apart my husband. I just wanted some help in understanding why acts the way he does.
If there is anyone going through the same I would love to speak to them.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

harley69 said:


> In 17 years I've gone up 1 trouser size. If its down to looks, then why can't the men say so without having to use every excuse under the sun.


It's never about looks. It's about the forbidden fruit. I know a number of people who have had EA's and the difference in looks is minimal at best and often negative...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Do some men, due to religious or political views, simply tune sex out after a certain age? Or take the approach that emotional connections are for the Oprah channel? 

I find out I identify with people 20-25 years younger than me in terms of interest in women for purely, ehem, academic reasons. Think beer commercial where good looking chick strolls by... I don't see many men my age look, er, observe whether Sarah the intern wears front clasp bras or rear clasp bras (you can tell )... The single men my age may notice... 

My office mate's a good looking dude in his 40s, conservative, 3 kids, the works. I do not recall him EVER making any statement about women, relationship, or fun for that matter that did not involve ho hum sports like golf or home improvement.. He's not a serious type, certainly loves his wife and all, but duuuude, live it up a bit.

I want to shake some of those people to see what falls off. Are these the new male LD's in training?


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

romantic_guy said:


> No!! YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON!
> 
> Forgive my yelling...I am just so frustrated for all you women out there in a sexless relationship. OMG...I don't get it. Does he use porn? If so, there are studies that indicate that it is a cause for sexless marriages. Is his gay? If so, admit it and end this sham of a marriage. I'm sorry, but HE is the bad person here. :rant:
> 
> ...


 check his past medication. antihistamine can shut down proper function of the prostate gland and it is a cause of ED. have all past meds checked and for damage.


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