# My story..is it hopeless



## Demot321

Hello everyone,

Short back ground. Me (32) and my wife (30) have been married for 11 years. We have a 12 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. We are both Christians but we both could grow alot more.

We fell in love very young and sex was a big part of are relationship. We did have a break period my senior year of high school and her junior year. We still hung out every Sunday and would have sex but I wanted to have some more freedom with friends. She did find someon at her work and it kinda drove me back to her. 

Shortly after we got back together we fou nd out she was pregnant( we did have one abortion befor this) and we had are son. I moved in with her and her parents and went to college well she finished school. 

I was neglectful for most of that time. I would work, go to school , then play video games all the time. 

She is a hard working smart girl but she does suffer from some sort of bipolar issues.

Anyway we did get are own apartment in town. I continued to work and play video games most of the time. I don't remember much of those years. 

Then the first affair happend with a coworker of hers. I do remember her being depressed but also unapologetic and continued her affair without any regret. She just wanted to have fun. She drank hard when she was out with him. 

I did my best to become a better man and win her back. It was very hard for me and her. Are love was so deep but full of pain already. 
Eventually we managed to save are marriage and then moved out to Connecticut. 

I did find pictures of her topless that she sent to him a few months after we moved but it did end all together. 

Shortly after we had are daughter.

We have been in ct for around 8 years. We have had ups and downs but we both have grown too. 

We are both great parents but we have had very little time for eachother. Not having faimly around we almost never got alone time and we almost always had a kid in bed with us. We managed to have sex but it was always with the kids somewhere in the house. 

We bought are first house 5 years ago and the first 3 years we had a fairly good marriage.

Then the last 2 years have really been a nightmare that I'm just coming more to a realization of.

She started taking anti depressants and adderal. She had a addiction to the adderal and in general has additive personality. We went back and forth with her getting adderal from friends and hidding it. The Admiral all came to an end when I found photos of her in her lingerie sent to a total stranger. I woke her up and told her I was leaving. She chased me out of the house and begged me to stay. She stopped the adderal and did change for a little bit. 

A few months down the road she change from the antidepressant she was on to Wellbutrin. 
Are sex life was great but she was distant and even with full blown crazy sex it was hard to get a kiss out of her. 
About a year ago she started taking xanex and has become very dependent on it. Taking 4 mg up to 6mg a day. Then about 6 months ago she started taking paxil as well. This is when she really seemed to disconnect. Withdrawing from church and just all are normal activities. 
So the big issue came up about a month ago. I went to lay down with her and she violently grabbed the phone from under me. So it made me suspicious. That's when I found a note in her purse that was labeled "fun list" not her hand writing . This list was a list of sex acts that had been done and were to be done. It was very graphic.

So I confronted her. She did not have much to say. Just asked why I was in her purse and told me she wanted a divorce. No sorry or regret. 

So as the weeks went by I tried my best to understand what I need to work on and love her. I found out the note was from her boss and she told me the affair had been going on for a year. 

Now everyday sence I found the note we have had sex and she has let me show her affection. But besides the sex all kisses and hugs are not warmly received. 

Some day are better then others. I would ask her on good days about the divorce and she would just shrug and say she didn't know. Other days she would strait out say she was getting a divorce. 
I did we some hope threw alot of it but it was probably false hope. 

Then the big blow up happened. We got into a fight and she threaten to call the cops. So I got scared and took the phone away from her. Eventually I gave the phone back to her and she left the house. She then came back to the house 5 minutes later and told me to pick the kids up from church.
The next day she went to the police department and file the report and I also filed a report. The next day I was arrested for unlawful restraint.

I made things worse by sending an email to her work with the note attached that got both of them fired so she was obviously very mad at me after that but I haven't had a chance to talk to her.
We both love our children more than anything in the world and she knows that I love her very much as well. We both have talked to her pastor but things seem very helpless.

I now have a no contact order with her but I'm able to see the kids all the time. I found out from the children that she took them to his house and hung out with them there. My son is very aware of who he is in her life.
It's only been a week since this all happened but I know she has spent most of her time there with him.
I really do believe I do believe that she's very confused but I know that our marriage has also not been the greatest. It hurts a lot to know that over the last year all my efforts to build our relationship meant nothing because she was already in a relationship with him.

He is 40 and is divorced and has a son he was divorce because he cheated on his wife as well.

I have been neglectful in the past but I have never cheated on my wife. She is showing a pattern of cheating on me through our whole relationship. I still have not gotten papers filed from her for the divorce.

Am I holding on to a hope for a marriage that is totally damaged. I love her and I love the children more than anything. But I feel like she is so lost right now.

It's probably a lot missing from this information but I couldn't write a book. THANK you all for your input. 

Right now I'm trying to just take one day at a time and focus on myself and my children but I do still want this marriage to work.


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## VermiciousKnid

Why would you want to save this? What is there to save? She's a lifelong serial cheater. That will never change. Considering her mental illnesses and RX's, a good divorce attorney like me could easily get you full custody of the kids, for their safety, and you and they could move on and put her behind you. Her life is headed for self-destruction. That's going to happen. Don't let her drag you and the kids down with her.


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## GusPolinski

She’s never going to stop cheating.

Implement the 180, file for divorce, and remove her from your life to the furthest degree possible.


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## arbitrator

*As time progresses, you're going to trust her even less than you do now. 

It is certainly not fun to be in the midst of what you consider to be a committed, loving relationship where you end up having to grow eyes in the back of your head! Exactly what's left to save here? Certainly not trust!

You need to be in fast dialogue with a good family law attorney to explore all of your property and custodial rights!*


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## SunCMars

Gosh, nothing left.....

She took it away, when the drugs took her away.

............................................................................

On the drug aspect...

All of us, even stable, thoughtful people are one step away from throwing it all away.
...........................................................................................................

What is the distance of this step?

A tiny pill, 100mg, a pill a little larger than a baby aspirin is initially taken twice a day, increased to TID, three times a day, spaced equally.

...........................................................................................................

The equivalent of six grains of rice can make you go from trustworthy to flaky.
From a troubled women to a selfish , promiscuous, crazy women.

...........................................................................................................

Yes, there are some who say she is still responsible for her actions.
I agree, to a point.

You married a broken women, life and drugs broke her down further.
Broke her down to her knees in another man's bed.

The thing is....
If she were single and dating other single men, this would not be a 'major' issue.

But, she is married with children, She has turned her mind and body against her real friends and family.
For what......a little stimulation, maybe a lot. 
It matters not.

I would seek a divorce, she will fall further.
She will fall down.... flat on her back.
Pinned down by drugs, by bad choices, by men.

Thank you for being so patient, with this patient, your' wife.
Soon to be ex-wife.



KB-


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## StillSearching

GusPolinski said:


> She’s never going to stop cheating.
> 
> Implement the 180, file for divorce, and remove her from your life to the furthest degree possible.


^THIS
Gus is right!
My story was a lot like yours, It does not end well until YOU take the initiative and file. You are looking at a world of hurt if you don't.
She won't... She likes what she has, and what she's doing.
Ask yourself...does she show signs of empathy? I doubt it.
Is she sick, yes. Can you fix it?....NO.
Does she hurt you emotionally, psychologically, physically and mentally?.....YES
IS IT HOPELESS? only if you stay....until it kills you.


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## SunCMars

Here are the side effects of Wellbutin:
Read and weep..

More common

Anxiety
dry mouth
hyperventilation
irregular heartbeats
*irritability
restlessness
shaking
trouble sleeping

Less common

Buzzing or ringing in the ears
headache (severe)
skin rash, hives, or itching

Rare

*Confusion
fainting
*false beliefs that cannot be changed by facts
*having extreme distrust of people
*seeing, hearing, or feeling things that are not there
seizures
*trouble concentrating

Incidence not known

*Actions that are out of control
*anger
assaulting or attacking others
*being aggressive or impulsive
chest pain or discomfort
fast or pounding heartbeat
force
inability to sit still
need to keep moving
sweating
*talking, feeling, or acting with excitement

I put an asterisk next to those she 'seems' to display.
Nice thing these mood altering drugs...not.


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## VladDracul

"I do believe that she's very confused but I know that our marriage has also not been the greatest. It hurts a lot to know that over the last year all my efforts to build our relationship meant nothing because she was already in a relationship with him."

I tell you what Dawg, she ain't confused. Youre the one that's confused. Simply put, " the sex all kisses and hugs are not warmly received" is because she has no enthusiasm for touching you . She'd rather kiss and hug a block of ice. The poon tang you do get was nothing more than her paying rent until she could find a way to jettison you. 
But I can say this in her defense. If you behaved as you'd have us believe, who can blame her. A husband escaping the realities of a wife, family and everyday responsibilities by video gaming simply don't meet the minimum requirement for the job. Looks like you've been relieved of duty soldier. Pack up your gear and move on.


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## badmemory

Friend, your wife is a pill popping, mentally unstable, remorseless, serial cheater. Why on earth would you want to continue living with that kind of hell? Why would you want your children to be subjected to this continuing dysfunction?

Start the divorce process and get counseling for co-dependency. That's the only reason I can think of that you'd want to stay with this pathetic woman.


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## Demot321

Keep it coming guys. I need to hear this. 

Thanks for being real. I have always been a good dad and I haven't played vidoe games in a year, but I did neglect her.

If I file there will be alot of loss. We live pay check to pay check so I can send my kids to private school. It's the only thing they know. 

The kids are going to get the worst of everthing

She has always been meen and hateful and is even hurtful in her words to the kids sometimes to. She has even said she never wanted to get married or have kids with them in earshot of her.

Honestly if It wasn't for the kids I would have been gone a long time ago. 

This no contact order might be the best thing to happen for me to get over her.


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## Demot321

^THIS
Gus is right!
My story was a lot like yours, It does not end well until YOU take the initiative and file. You are looking at a world of hurt if you don't.
She won't... She likes what she has, and what she's doing.
Ask yourself...does she show signs of empathy? I doubt it.
Is she sick, yes. Can you fix it?....NO.
Does she hurt you emotionally, psychologically, physically and mentally?.....YES
IS IT HOPELESS? only if you stay....until it kills you.[/QUOTE]

Your right she has ZERO EMPATHY. I think that's what hurts the most. Not a care in the world. 

And your right it could kill me if I'm not good. My best friend and 3 other freinds have taken their life. And I've always promised myself that I would never do that. Some days are pretty hard. A part of me feels like I've made her this way but then I know that people have to make choices on their own as well.


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## StillSearching

Demot321 said:


> Keep it coming guys. I need to hear this.
> 
> Thanks for being real. I have always been a good dad and I haven't played vidoe games in a year, but I did neglect her.
> 
> If I file there will be alot of loss. We live pay check to pay check so I can send my kids to private school. It's the only thing they know.
> 
> The kids are going to get the worst of everthing
> 
> She has always been meen and hateful and is even hurtful in her words to the kids sometimes to. She has even said she never wanted to get married or have kids with them in earshot of her.
> 
> Honestly if It wasn't for the kids I would have been gone a long time ago.
> 
> This no contact order might be the best thing to happen for me to get over her.


My story is your story!!
25 years I stayed..Had to have heart surgery.
Nearly died! DO NOT BE ME! I am talking to myself in the past....file now!
Please find the courage. Find IC for yourself. You can have a normal life...It's right around the corner. I was here 5 years ago and did not listen to reason. Don't waste your life away.
PM me if you need to talk to me personally. I know you love her, but she has no real feelings inside to love you.


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## StillSearching

Demot321 said:


> ^THIS
> Gus is right!
> My story was a lot like yours, It does not end well until YOU take the initiative and file. You are looking at a world of hurt if you don't.
> She won't... She likes what she has, and what she's doing.
> Ask yourself...does she show signs of empathy? I doubt it.
> Is she sick, yes. Can you fix it?....NO.
> Does she hurt you emotionally, psychologically, physically and mentally?.....YES
> IS IT HOPELESS? only if you stay....until it kills you.


Your right she has ZERO EMPATHY. I think that's what hurts the most. Not a care in the world. 

And your right it could kill me if I'm not good. My best friend and 3 other freinds have taken their life. And I've always promised myself that I would never do that. Some days are pretty hard. A part of me feels like I've made her this way but then I know that people have to make choices on their own as well.[/QUOTE]

Message me!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Demot321, if my wife was the town bike giving everyone free rides I too might subconsciously drown it out by playing video games day and night too. Just saying.

Your only fault is putting up with it this long expecting her to change. She will not. Clearly she has zero respect for you as a husband. You are simply her baby sitter while she has fun on the side returning crappy sex to you as a form of payment. 

Lawyer up asap and divorce her. Let your lawyer know she has a prescription drug habit, That will come in handy. 

Sorry you are here but you picked her and let this go on way too long. Time to end it for your sake and your kids. As well as her sake. Let someone else enable her. Time for you to quit that job.


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## SentHereForAReason

Demot, it's ok to feel the guilt of neglect and the things that are wrong with her and take some responsibility for why things weren't well at times. That's quite alright my man.

None of that is an excuse for her constant cheating and behavior, NONE OF IT!

Thank God you are only 32, a lifetime ahead of you to devote energy to those kids and getting yourself back on track. Talk to a lawyer today, see what needs to be done to protect your interests and do what is best for those kids. If she is willing to give you more than 50/50 custody, go for it. If not, chances are, it's going to be 50/50. 

Implement the 180, I cannot tell you how important this will be to your psyche. Do not put her down, do not engage in fights, just work towards getting this resolved, which in this case, is divorce and most likely the best for everyone involved. I can't say this enough but people that can cheat once, I still believe that they can change and I believe in 2nd chances, redemption, etc. People like this, this is their lifestyle, this is hard coded into their DNA and they don't change. Time to do what is best for your kids and yourself.


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## StillSearching

Narcissistic personality disorder is indicated by five or more of the following symptoms:

Exaggerates own importance

Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence or ideal romance

Believes he or she is special and can only be understood by other special people or institutions

Requires constant attention and admiration from others

Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment

Takes advantage of others to reach his or her own goals

Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy

Is often envious of others or believes other people are envious of him or her

Shows arrogant behaviors and attitudes


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## GusPolinski

Demot321 said:


> Keep it coming guys. I need to hear this.
> 
> Thanks for being real. I have always been a good dad and I haven't played vidoe games in a year, but I did neglect her.
> 
> If I file there will be alot of loss. We live pay check to pay check so I can send my kids to private school. It's the only thing they know.
> 
> The kids are going to get the worst of everthing
> 
> She has always been meen and hateful and is even hurtful in her words to the kids sometimes to. She has even said she never wanted to get married or have kids with them in earshot of her.
> 
> Honestly if It wasn't for the kids I would have been gone a long time ago.
> 
> This no contact order might be the best thing to happen for me to get over her.


Nothing inherently wrong with video games, but — as you’ve no doubt discovered — anything to excess can be bad.

Either way, you didn’t “make her this way”.

Use the no contact order to establish a sound 180 (read up on that) and DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.

Find out whether or not your state allows for one-party consent with respect to recording conversations with her — if so, buy a voice-activated recorder (VAR), learn to use it, keep it on your person _at all times_, and record every single conversation that you have with her. 

Save every email and text message. Document her interactions with the kids, when she sees them, when she skips out on them, when she’s late dropping them off and/or picking them up, whether she’s cleaning them, feeding them, getting them to appointments, etc.

If you have documented proof of her cheating, save it. If you don’t have it but can get it relatively easy (and without breaking laws/contacting her), get it.


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## TJW

You summarized your wife, and her affairs, quite well.... when you said that she "just wants to have fun".

That is the reason people have affairs. They just want to have fun, and they think they are entitled to have it, and they believe the fantasy life they have in the affair will continue and they will "live happily ever after".

Her affair has NOTHING to do with you, your neglect, etc. There are countless men and women who endure years and decades of irresponsibility on the part of their spouse. Yet, they do not cheat.

And, the reason they do not cheat is because they do not give themselves permission to cheat. They have scruples. They are people who keep their promises. They are people who not only have a moral compass, they USE it. They do not believe in cheating, and they are convicted by their belief. They know that cheating only makes things worse, never better.

And, because of this sound reasoning, they CHOOSE to remain faithful to their spouse. They recognize that they cannot EXCUSE themselves for cheating because of something their spouse did, or did not, do. They are people who take PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for their actions, their lives, and their conduct.

Sadly, and unfortunately, your wife is not one of those people.

The end.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Demot321 said:


> Keep it coming guys. I need to hear this.
> 
> Thanks for being real. I have always been a good dad and I haven't played vidoe games in a year, but I did neglect her.
> 
> If I file there will be alot of loss. We live pay check to pay check so I can send my kids to private school. It's the only thing they know.
> 
> The kids are going to get the worst of everthing
> 
> She has always been meen and hateful and is even hurtful in her words to the kids sometimes to. She has even said she never wanted to get married or have kids with them in earshot of her.
> 
> Honestly if It wasn't for the kids I would have been gone a long time ago.
> 
> This no contact order might be the best thing to happen for me to get over her.


Screw private school. You think private school can substitute for dysfunctional parents? Absolutely not.

Yes, their economic standard of living will drop but your positive parenting 50% of the time will offset that. She is being a terrible parent. You need to step up.

File asap and demand a emergency order giving you 50% custody away from her. Your attorney will advise you on how to proceed.


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## Demot321

StillSearching said:


> Narcissistic personality disorder is indicated by five or more of the following symptoms:
> 
> Exaggerates own importance
> 
> Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence or ideal romance
> 
> Believes he or she is special and can only be understood by other special people or institutions
> 
> Requires constant attention and admiration from others
> 
> Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
> 
> Takes advantage of others to reach his or her own goals
> 
> Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy
> 
> Is often envious of others or believes other people are envious of him or her
> 
> Shows arrogant behaviors and attitudes


Gezz is it bad that she is all of these things. 

Alright guys. I had an appointment with the lawyer last week but I was in jail LOL. 
I need an aggressive attorney for men in Connecticut.


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## Mr.Married

Your in complete denial ....... and she is a completely unfaithful drug addict.

Get tested for STD's before you even think about ever touching another woman or your lousy wife.


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## BigDigg

OP - I'd amend your thread title. The story of your _marriage _is indeed hopeless. However your personal story isn't written yet and I think you'd find great happiness once you fully separate and move on. Together and married so young you should be thrilled on the gift given to you to restart your life and experience the best it has to offer. Your wife is and has been a black cloud over your life. Plenty to be hopeful for and to look forward to. Better sunnier days ahead...


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## sa58

After reading your post I am trying to figure out what marriage 
you are talking about. You may feel like your married, she dosen't
I just want to have fun and a fun list. Coworker, boss , pills, drinking 
and what ever you do not know about. Do not blame yourself because
things in the marriage may have gotten rough or not gone smoothly.
During the rough times you did not cheat did you ? She did again and again.
Concentrate on yourself and your children only. Your wife sounds like someone 
who will drag you down with her. She obviously has major issues and I mean major issues.
She is the only one who can help herself.
Not you only her. Take care of yourself and kids.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Demot321 said:


> Gezz is it bad that she is all of these things.
> 
> Alright guys. I had an appointment with the lawyer last week but I was in jail LOL.
> I need an aggressive attorney for men in Connecticut.


Go get free consultations from the 5 top firms in your area. That way she can't use them. Start now.


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## StillSearching

You know where your hope lies.
That's why you came here. 
You knew what the answers were before you started. 
We can tell you. Listen to these people, they have been there. I have too.
Save yourself and you will save your kids, and likely her too in the long run.
Leave.


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## stro

I am a huge advocate for recovery after infedelity if possible but I think that ship likey sailed a long time ago for you and your wife. So get into counseling. Focus on yourself and your kids. Improve yourself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Realize that is the only thing you have control over and let go. IF it is even remotely possible to recover your marriage. THAT is your part of the work. 

While I know there are two sides to every story, hearing your description of her actions makes it sound like she has a TON of work to do. And it sounds like she isn’t interested in doing it. But remember, you don’t control that. Not one little bit of it. It’s hard to accept but you have to. 

Improve yourself and let go.


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## stro

Also, I haven’t read all the responses so this may already been suggested but I would strongly encourage you to get DNA tests on your kids. You likely have no idea what she has actually been up to behind the scenes for your entire marriage.


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## StillSearching

Narcissism that's rooted in past abuse cannot be fixed.


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## SadSamIAm

You have taught her that you are OK with her cheating. 

This has made it easy for her to cheat again and has caused her to lose respect for you.

You need to file. Move on. No way to make things better after all that has gone on.


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## BluesPower

Demot321 said:


> Keep it coming guys. I need to hear this.
> 
> Thanks for being real. I have always been a good dad and I haven't played vidoe games in a year, but I did neglect her.
> 
> If I file there will be alot of loss. We live pay check to pay check so I can send my kids to private school. It's the only thing they know.
> 
> The kids are going to get the worst of everthing
> 
> She has always been meen and hateful and is even hurtful in her words to the kids sometimes to. She has even said she never wanted to get married or have kids with them in earshot of her.
> 
> Honestly if It wasn't for the kids I would have been gone a long time ago.
> 
> This no contact order might be the best thing to happen for me to get over her.


Are you completely insane? Have you completely lost your mind? 

Come on man, I mean really, come on. 

You have been a codependent doormat to this women since you met her. Do you have a modicum of self respect. 

She has actually, almost certainly, been cheating on you your entire marriage. Why you married her is a mystery to everyone. 

Look, any money that you spend to divorce with be worth it for years, and years to come. 

This woman does not love you, she never has. You say she is sick, OK, well guess what, you cannot fix her. 

Spend any amount you can gather and divorce her yesterday. Do your best to get custody of your children, if at all possible and get rid of her. 

If you are religious, nothing in any religious book says or ever will say that you should stay married to a woman like this. 

You simply must wake UP and take charge of your life...


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## Steve2.0

Its too bad you have children with this women. She has mental and physical issues and an overall cheating problem. Your weak repercussions for cheating in the past has shown her that she can get away with anything. 

I would try to compile her drug addictions and try to get custody of the children

You should have waited to get her fired after the divorce.. now she has no income


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## thummper

"Is it hopeless?" Oh yeah. Your marriage sounds totally dysfunctional. You want to be happy again? Cut her loose and move on with your life. There are some great women out there just waiting to be bound by a great guy. Go find one.


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## DustyDog

My observation:

In describing your relationship, you focus heavily on sex. You say nothing suggesting romantic, emotional, spiritual connectedness. You say you're Christian, but nowhere in your posting do you indicate whether that Christianity has any bearing on your ways of making life choices. Unless there is more to be said, I do not think you are prepared to create and enjoy the deeper, more bonding aspects of a relationship. If she is ahead of you on these matters, she probably feels a lack of something in the relationship, since it is based on relatively shallow grounds. I can't tell if she has depth or not, since you wrote about none.

Based on your report of both of your behaviors and results in high school to the present, I'd say both of you have failed to gain an adult level of impulse control, and you fail to plan for your futures.

If you were not currently married, I would suggest neither of you is ready for marriage.

I do not know if there is anything to be saved or not. With only the current writing to go from, I doubt you are presenting your child a particularly good image of how to be adults.

I would encourage you in the strongest possible wording, to seek a marital counselor. There must be more details that can make sense of this; what you wrote sounds like two people who are dysfunctional in many ways that prohibit the creation of a healthy relationship BUT it could be little more than a lack of adequate writing skills. Time with a counselor could sort that out.

My best wishes as you try to unravel this hornet's nest.

DD


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## RWB

Demo,

I sense that you somehow are rationalizing your wife's behavior of serial cheating on her alcohol and drug issues. No doubt they are a contributing factor. However, I think you are missing the big picture...

Do the math? Your wife was pregnant at 17, raising a newborn at 18. Pregnant again at 22 and dealing with another newborn at 23. The only things your wife has got to experience since her Junior year in HS is Sex, Pregnant, Babies. Lets face it, you married a Child that never got a chance to grow up and experience early adulthood outside of having babies.

Regardless of whose to blame, your W woke up years ago and realized that missed everything that early adulthood offered. She resents you, her children, her life as is. BTW, that's were the psychotropic drugs use comes in. Her behavior is classic Peter-Pan Syndrome.


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## Demot321

RWB said:


> Demo,
> 
> I sense that you somehow are rationalizing your wife's behavior of serial cheating on her alcohol and drug issues. No doubt they are a contributing factor. However, I think you are missing the big picture...
> 
> Do the math? Your wife was pregnant at 17, raising a newborn at 18. Pregnant again at 22 and dealing with another newborn at 23. The only things your wife has got to experience since her Junior year in HS is Sex, Pregnant, Babies. Lets face it, you married a Child that never got a chance to grow up and experience early adulthood outside of having babies.
> 
> Regardless of whose to blame, your W woke up years ago and realized that missed everything that early adulthood offered. She resents you, her children, her life as is. BTW, that's were the psychotropic drugs use comes in. Her behavior is classic Peter-Pan Syndrome.


 This really hurts to see because I know it's true. 
She has said so many times how she never wanted to get married or have kids. I always played it off and she is mad right now, because I wanted to get married and have kiids at some point so I just accepted that it was right now and was happy with that. 
I was ready to spend my younger days married and building a family. She never wanted that. It makes me hurt for her.


----------



## Steelman

Demot321 said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> Short back ground. Me (32) and my wife (30) have been married for 11 years. We have a 12 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. We are both Christians but we both could grow alot more.
> 
> We fell in love very young and sex was a big part of are relationship. We did have a break period my senior year of high school and her junior year. We still hung out every Sunday and would have sex but I wanted to have some more freedom with friends. She did find someon at her work and it kinda drove me back to her.
> 
> Shortly after we got back together we fou nd out she was pregnant( we did have one abortion befor this) and we had are son. I moved in with her and her parents and went to college well she finished school.
> 
> I was neglectful for most of that time. I would work, go to school , then play video games all the time.
> 
> She is a hard working smart girl but she does suffer from some sort of bipolar issues.
> 
> Anyway we did get are own apartment in town. I continued to work and play video games most of the time. I don't remember much of those years.
> 
> Then the first affair happend with a coworker of hers. I do remember her being depressed but also unapologetic and continued her affair without any regret. She just wanted to have fun. She drank hard when she was out with him.
> 
> I did my best to become a better man and win her back. It was very hard for me and her. Are love was so deep but full of pain already.
> Eventually we managed to save are marriage and then moved out to Connecticut.
> 
> I did find pictures of her topless that she sent to him a few months after we moved but it did end all together.
> 
> Shortly after we had are daughter.
> 
> We have been in ct for around 8 years. We have had ups and downs but we both have grown too.
> 
> We are both great parents but we have had very little time for eachother. Not having faimly around we almost never got alone time and we almost always had a kid in bed with us. We managed to have sex but it was always with the kids somewhere in the house.
> 
> We bought are first house 5 years ago and the first 3 years we had a fairly good marriage.
> 
> Then the last 2 years have really been a nightmare that I'm just coming more to a realization of.
> 
> She started taking anti depressants and adderal. She had a addiction to the adderal and in general has additive personality. We went back and forth with her getting adderal from friends and hidding it. The Admiral all came to an end when I found photos of her in her lingerie sent to a total stranger. I woke her up and told her I was leaving. She chased me out of the house and begged me to stay. She stopped the adderal and did change for a little bit.
> 
> A few months down the road she change from the antidepressant she was on to Wellbutrin.
> Are sex life was great but she was distant and even with full blown crazy sex it was hard to get a kiss out of her.
> About a year ago she started taking xanex and has become very dependent on it. Taking 4 mg up to 6mg a day. Then about 6 months ago she started taking paxil as well. This is when she really seemed to disconnect. Withdrawing from church and just all are normal activities.
> So the big issue came up about a month ago. I went to lay down with her and she violently grabbed the phone from under me. So it made me suspicious. That's when I found a note in her purse that was labeled "fun list" not her hand writing . This list was a list of sex acts that had been done and were to be done. It was very graphic.
> 
> So I confronted her. She did not have much to say. Just asked why I was in her purse and told me she wanted a divorce. No sorry or regret.
> 
> So as the weeks went by I tried my best to understand what I need to work on and love her. I found out the note was from her boss and she told me the affair had been going on for a year.
> 
> Now everyday sence I found the note we have had sex and she has let me show her affection. But besides the sex all kisses and hugs are not warmly received.
> 
> Some day are better then others. I would ask her on good days about the divorce and she would just shrug and say she didn't know. Other days she would strait out say she was getting a divorce.
> I did we some hope threw alot of it but it was probably false hope.
> 
> Then the big blow up happened. We got into a fight and she threaten to call the cops. So I got scared and took the phone away from her. Eventually I gave the phone back to her and she left the house. She then came back to the house 5 minutes later and told me to pick the kids up from church.
> The next day she went to the police department and file the report and I also filed a report. The next day I was arrested for unlawful restraint.
> 
> I made things worse by sending an email to her work with the note attached that got both of them fired so she was obviously very mad at me after that but I haven't had a chance to talk to her.
> We both love our children more than anything in the world and she knows that I love her very much as well. We both have talked to her pastor but things seem very helpless.
> 
> I now have a no contact order with her but I'm able to see the kids all the time. I found out from the children that she took them to his house and hung out with them there. My son is very aware of who he is in her life.
> It's only been a week since this all happened but I know she has spent most of her time there with him.
> I really do believe I do believe that she's very confused but I know that our marriage has also not been the greatest. It hurts a lot to know that over the last year all my efforts to build our relationship meant nothing because she was already in a relationship with him.
> 
> He is 40 and is divorced and has a son he was divorce because he cheated on his wife as well.
> 
> I have been neglectful in the past but I have never cheated on my wife. She is showing a pattern of cheating on me through our whole relationship. I still have not gotten papers filed from her for the divorce.
> 
> Am I holding on to a hope for a marriage that is totally damaged. I love her and I love the children more than anything. But I feel like she is so lost right now.
> 
> It's probably a lot missing from this information but I couldn't write a book. THANK you all for your input.
> 
> Right now I'm trying to just take one day at a time and focus on myself and my children but I do still want this marriage to work.


The marriage is a mess, as is your wife. Why keep hanging on?


----------



## VladDracul

Demot my man, you make it sound like she's a little sheep that's gone astray. And once she's back in the fold, everything gonna be alright. Get real Dawg. Whatjew mean, "She never wanted that. It makes me hurt for her." ? Are you hurting for her because she's in a lifestyle, (marriage/kids) she doesn't want to be in, or do you mean you hurt for her because she wants to be lifestyle that is contrary to what you feel is normal? 

Why hurt? Just release her to take the path she wants. Chances are she'd just give you the kids. But something tell me it ain't really about the kids so that deal is not something you'd entertain. Correct me if I'm wrong.


----------



## Demot321

VladDracul said:


> Demot my man, you make it sound like she's a little sheep that's gone astray. And once she's back in the fold, everything gonna be alright. Get real Dawg. Whatjew mean, "She never wanted that. It makes me hurt for her." ? Are you hurting for her because she's in a lifestyle, (marriage/kids) she doesn't want to be in, or do you mean you hurt for her because she wants to be lifestyle that is contrary to what you feel is normal?
> 
> Why hurt? Just release her to take the path she wants. Chances are she'd just give you the kids. But something tell me it ain't really about the kids so that deal is not something you'd entertain. Correct me if I'm wrong.


 She is a good mom and for now I think she only wants 50/50 custody with the kids. I don't want to be a part time.dad. I have been in my kids life almost every day and have worked 3rd for years so that we have never had to need a baby sitter. I just don't want to miss out on there life's. 

Yea I guess it's not hurt. It is just hard to accept that she hung around for all these years and now at a really good time in are kids life's decides she has the courage to leave. 

Honestly, I would love to have the kids 100% but I don't think she is that far gone.


----------



## Beach123

Divorce her, yes - YOU take action to secure a future for yourself!

Ask for full custody! Reveal to the court your wife has an alcohol and prescription pill problem and is not stable to care for kids on her own!

Focus only on you and your kids well being! Do that now!

And get the kids DNA tested! Do not make excuses why it shouldn't be done - it has to be done! What you decide after that will be determined. You can always keep being a loving father to them but you must have truth if they are yours!

Your wife has serious issues - treat her as such and pray she addresses a solution to change her addiction s.

In the meantime - she shouldn't be alone with the kids - petition the courts to be sure that never happens, she's dangerous and unpredictable.


----------



## bandit.45

Demot321 said:


> *She is a good mom...*


STOP right there. No, she is not a good mom. A good mother would never jeopardize her children's future by destroying her marriage and splitting the family for a few cheap orgasms. 

She IS NOT a good mom, good wife, good person or any of those things. 

She's a low-down, dirty, amoral cheat. Take her off that pedestal you have her on and see her for the tramp she is.


----------



## VermiciousKnid

Demot321 said:


> The kids are going to get the worst of everthing
> 
> She has always been meen and hateful and is even hurtful in her words to the kids sometimes to. She has even said she never wanted to get married or have kids with them in earshot of her.


Considering all you've said, the kids won't get the "worst" of everything. They'll have their dad that loves them and a mom that can see them every other weekend, which from the sound of her sounds like that's as much time as she should spend in motherhood.

You're there for the kids, it sounds like they mean the world to you, so this is something that can bring you and them even closer. You're a team and you'll get through this. Give your cheating wife her freedom to go be who she wants to be. Don't sweat money. Money is so unimportant in the grand scheme of life. As long as your kids have you and you have them then nothing else matters. If they have to switch to public school they'll make friends and be fine. Again, your wife is heading for self-destruction. Make sure you take the kids and stay out of the blast radius.


----------



## Beach123

bandit.45 said:


> STOP right there. No, she is not a good mom. A good mother would never jeopardize her children's future by destroying her marriage and splitting the family for a few cheap orgasms.
> 
> She IS NOT a good mom, good wife, good person or any of those things.
> 
> She's a low-down, dirty, amoral cheat. Take her off that pedestal you have her on and see her for the tramp she is.


Amen! For sure! She is not a good Mom in any sense! She putting her kids future at risk because of her bad behavior and drug use!

She is altered! She is unpredictable and not in her right mind!

You show the courts and request 100% custody now - knowing full well she should NOT be around those kids at all!


----------



## BluesPower

Demot321 said:


> She is a good mom and for now I think she only wants 50/50 custody with the kids. I don't want to be a part time.dad. I have been in my kids life almost every day and have worked 3rd for years so that we have never had to need a baby sitter. I just don't want to miss out on there life's.
> 
> Yea I guess it's not hurt. It is just hard to accept that she hung around for all these years and now at a really good time in are kids life's decides she has the courage to leave.
> 
> Honestly, I would love to have the kids 100% but I don't think she is that far gone.


Dude, there is never a GOOD time to not be in your kids life. But right now is a great time to divorce this woman. 

You make her sound like the victim here and she is not, you are!

If you are that passive, yuck first of all, but think about this... One day, whether you tell them or not, your kids are going to know what their mother is. 

When they find out what you put up with and how passive you were, they will throw up right there on the spot. 

Is that what you want? You want to set this type of passive door mat example for you children? 

I will bet you don't want that, so stop doing it already. 

Man up already and take care of business, and find a way to be happy with out this crap in your life...


----------



## Steve1000

Demot321 said:


> Right now I'm trying to just take one day at a time and focus on myself and my children but I do still want this marriage to work.


Sometimes on this forum, we discuss "being in a fog". This usually applies to affair partners, but I think that it applies to you in this case. You are hopelessly hooked on your wife even though she has put you through so much. I hope that after enough time passes, you'll escape this fog and wonder why you ever wanted her back. If she does get dumped by her current affair partner and then comes running back to you, would you ever be able to really enjoy life and feel content?


----------



## honcho

Demot321 said:


> Honestly, I would love to have the kids 100% but I don't think she is that far gone.


She is that far gone, your sticking your head in the sand in regards to that. You need to go after full custody and it's imperative if you want what is best for the kids. She shows no signs of wanting to change and she will likely get much worse. She's an absolute train wreck ready to happen and the best thing you can do is get yourself and kids off the train tracks.


----------



## StillSearching

DEMOT321 is me just a year ago!
Everything is the same.
You know she's a bad mom, wife and person!
Your story hurts me! For Godsake.......wake up!


----------



## BobSimmons

Demot321 said:


> Keep it coming guys. I need to hear this.
> 
> .


Have you not discussed this with your friends, family, acquaintances or lawyer?

Are they telling you anything different?

A bit weird...


----------



## Taxman

You file.
She reacts badly
You record it all.
She loses.
Deal.


----------



## Demot321

BobSimmons said:


> Demot321 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Keep it coming guys. I need to hear this.
> 
> .
> 
> 
> 
> Have you not discussed this with your friends, family, acquaintances or lawyer?
> 
> Are they telling you anything different?
> 
> A bit weird...
Click to expand...

Yes I have talk to so.many friends and faimly. All of them basicly say what you guys have said. Friends who have known her from are younger days.
I just wanted unbiased opinion. To hear from people who have gone threw similar things.


----------



## Evinrude58

I am shocked that a man can be this passive, this willing to be abused, and this unwilling to put a crazy/drug addicted/cheating/abusive/evil woman out of his own, and out of his children's lives.

You referred to the love you and she had as "deep" at one time???? I can't fathom how you could possibly feel this way after all the cheating she has done throughout your marriage. I doubt she has EVER been with ONLY you.

You referred to her as "confused". OMG, she is just NOT INTO YOU. Why can't you see this??? You are in her life only for what you can do for her as far as money and safety.

You referred to your situation as "hopeless".... No, this situation is anything but hopeless. I doubt you could possibly live a less happy life by getting this woman out of it. From what you describe, she may be one of the worst wives I've ever heard of, and possibly the worst person. Not wanting her own kids???????? LOL, I think she is quite a piece of work. 

Leaving this woman to herself and divorcing and getting full custody should be the only thing on your mind for a LONG, LONG time.

Hopeless? No, I find getting a divorce in this case to be the most HOPEFUL, desirable way to wrap up this horror of a marriage.


----------



## VladDracul

Demot, after the incident with the restraining order, the risk of you doing time on her demand is very real. I've never practiced criminal law but I can tell you she's got you by the balls. Get real about it. Exacerbated by the "me too" movement, the restraining order puts you high on the courts shyt list. All it would take is a 911 call from her about you and you'd likely be looking at jail time. If you know what good for you, you'll stay out of her reach even after the restraining order has expired. If you have to go around her, have witnesses and the more the better. Don't kid yourself, drugs or not, a women who will stand there and tell her husband she wants to have fun and will continue to f--- her boyfriend is perfectly capable of setting you up for a fall, including shooting your azz and walking away unscathed by saying you attacked her while waving the restraining order. You've got a tiger by the tail Dawg.


----------



## Beach123

Demot321 said:


> Yes I have talk to so.many friends and faimly. All of them basicly say what you guys have said. Friends who have known her from are younger days.
> I just wanted unbiased opinion. To hear from people who have gone threw similar things.


Do you plan to take any action to change things?


----------



## Handy

Demot321, your marriage is a lost cause. Stay far away from your W. DO NOT TRY to reason with her under any circumstances. She in NOT lost. She is pissed at you and anything you try to do is just going to make her more determined to look like the bad guy.

Right now the new guy is her hero, but wait a year and he might even get tired of her.

Yes, you messed up playing video games in your youth and 20's. Let that be a well earned lesson in your future.


----------



## Sports Fan

You have been way too soft and accepting of her crap. You did not make her do anything. Everyone is responsible for their actions.

About the only thing you have done right so far is blowing this up at her work. Do a 180 on her. See a good lawyer ASAP try to get custody of the kids and if you currently contribute to supporting her financially stop doing so immediately.


----------



## [email protected]

File on her right now!


----------



## Demot321

Your all right. Every day that goes by with this no contact order helps me see how much she has walked all over are marriage and made me miserable. 
Now she is just hurting my kids too. I'M DONE! I'LL BE CALLING.LAWYERS TODAY! 
Thank you all for being real and pushing me were in need to go.


----------



## Kamstel

Good job!!!


----------



## AmeliaS

Wow this is a lot. I don’t believe she’s going to change and even without the medications I believe she would still display this behavior. The medication just gives her an “excuse”. It’s only hopeless if you stay.


----------



## jewels465

Demot321 said:


> This really hurts to see because I know it's true.
> She has said so many times how she never wanted to get married or have kids. I always played it off and she is mad right now, because I wanted to get married and have kiids at some point so I just accepted that it was right now and was happy with that.
> I was ready to spend my younger days married and building a family. She never wanted that. It makes me hurt for her.




She’s just as much responsible for her actions as you are. She had an 1 abortion. She knew what would happen if she had unprotected sex after that. It’s not all you. It’s 50/50. Don’t feel like it’s all on you. Also, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to DNA test your kids. Sounds like she been unfaithful most of the marriage. 
I would just divorce her. You can get over her, it just takes time. 
Sorry you’re going through this. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Hexagon

THis is shockingly familiar to me. Its going to be very hard when you think of the kids. When you think of what she did to the kids, you're going to be a mess. 
Your wife isn't very different from mine.
She will never stop blame shifting.
She will never stop cheating.
She will never stop trying to hurt you.

Once you start to dislike this woman, things will get easier however, that will take time. 
Let this part sink in....

You've been living in a lie.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Demot321 said:


> Your all right. Every day that goes by with this no contact order helps me see how much she has walked all over are marriage and made me miserable.
> Now she is just hurting my kids too. I'M DONE! I'LL BE CALLING.LAWYERS TODAY!
> Thank you all for being real and pushing me were in need to go.


Demot, please keep us posted so we can help with the process. Getting the lawyer involved is not the end, it's just the beginning. Emotionally, physically, etc, etc.


----------



## skerzoid

Demot321:

Uh..........

1. "We are both Christians".... Being Christian does not require forgiving marital adultery:
Matthew 19:9, Matthew 5:32, Exodus 20:14, Hebrews 13:4, I Corinthians 7:1-40.

2. Where does her being a Christian and a drug addict come in? Drug addiction is equal to being possessed by a demon. 

3. Where does being a Christian involve her getting you getting thrown in jail on false charges?: Exodus 20:16.

4. Lawyer up. 

5. Have her served when she is at his place.

6. Once she is served, go 180, in fact kick her butt out & have her move in with him. Do not talk to her. All contact through the lawyer. 

7. Have her drug tested and file for 100% custody: Romans 13:13.

8. She is a good mother? Drug addiction, narcissism, and adultery do not a good mother make. Risking the destruction of her family and her children's future does not a good mother make.

9. A father and husband is expected to act with courage, strength, and decisiveness. Be courageous. Be Strong. Be decisive. You owe this to your children and yourself. Get on with it!


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

^^^That. Sker has it nailed. Don't think, or ponder. Do that!


You cannot fix her. But you can and will fix YOU.


----------



## Demot321

skerzoid said:


> Demot321:
> 
> Uh..........
> 
> 1. "We are both Christians".... Being Christian does not require forgiving marital adultery:
> Matthew 19:9, Matthew 5:32, Exodus 20:14, Hebrews 13:4, I Corinthians 7:1-40.
> 
> 2. Where does her being a Christian and a drug addict come in? Drug addiction is equal to being possessed by a demon.
> 
> 3. Where does being a Christian involve her getting you getting thrown in jail on false charges?: Exodus 20:16.
> 
> 4. Lawyer up.
> 
> 5. Have her served when she is at his place.
> 
> 6. Once she is served, go 180, in fact kick her butt out & have her move in with him. Do not talk to her. All contact through the lawyer.
> 
> 7. Have her drug tested and file for 100% custody: Romans 13:13.
> 
> 8. She is a good mother? Drug addiction, narcissism, and adultery do not a good mother make. Risking the destruction of her family and her children's future does not a good mother make.
> 
> 9. A father and husband is expected to act with courage, strength, and decisiveness. Be courageous. Be Strong. Be decisive. You owe this to your children and yourself. Get on with it!


Thank you. I was just going to post about every time I'm with my kids I just want to save my family, regardless of what she has done. 

You are right. Her decisions have been selfish and destructive, and she thinks everything she is doing is ok and that the kids will be just fine. 

I have an appointment with a good mens rights attorney next week. The sooner I do the right thing and the hard thing, the better me and my kids will be. 

I know she is capable of being a better person but I am done waiting for her to change well she tears down are house. 

Proverbs 14:1
Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Demot321 said:


> Thank you. I was just going to post about every time I'm with my kids I just want to save my family, regardless of what she has done.
> 
> You are right. Her decisions have been selfish and destructive, and *she thinks everything she is doing is ok and that the kids will be just fine*.
> 
> I have an appointment with a good mens rights attorney next week. The sooner I do the right thing and the hard thing, the better me and my kids will be.
> 
> I know she is capable of being a better person but I am done waiting for her to change well she tears down are house.
> 
> Proverbs 14:1
> Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands


+1 in my situation and that's hard to look someone straight in the eye that carries themself like this, so cold, etc. But I have found that this is the case in the minds of most Wayward people.


----------



## bandit.45

Adultery is a self-imposed psychosis. It never fails to astonish me how far some waywards veer off the rails.


----------



## Demot321

It needs to be a year from now. So that I can have no emotions to her. Me and my son we're out watch a movie when she made an Instagram
Post saying "some times we do crazy things for the ones who hold a special place in our lives" 

She is wearing a red socks hat... apparently the new guy likes the red socks... mined you we are still legally married. I haven't even gotten papers from her. She is a new level of crazy...ugg save me.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Demot321 said:


> It needs to be a year from now. So that I can have no emotions to her. Me and my son we're out watch a movie when she made an Instagram
> Post saying "some times we do crazy things for the ones who hold a special place in our lives"
> 
> She is wearing a red socks hat... apparently the new guy likes the red socks... mined you we are still legally married. I haven't even gotten papers from her. She is a new level of crazy...ugg save me.


If you look at that stuff it's only going to drive you bonkers and it's coming from someone who essentially has an alien brain now. Best to realize the woman you thought you married no longer exists.


----------



## Demot321

I should probably put it out there that she is the only person I have ever had sex with... I know it's not the norm now a days. That might be part of why it's so hard to let go. Well she it's morally lose. When she drinks I think she could have sex with almost anyone.


----------



## GusPolinski

Demot321 said:


> It needs to be a year from now. So that I can have no emotions to her. Me and my son we're out watch a movie when she made an Instagram
> Post saying "some times we do crazy things for the ones who hold a special place in our lives"
> 
> She is wearing a red socks hat... apparently the new guy likes the red socks... mined you we are still legally married. I haven't even gotten papers from her. She is a new level of crazy...ugg save me.


Two things:

1) I’d encourage you to remove that pic. This is a public forum, and you don’t want anyone here reaching out to her and causing even more trouble for you, especially from a legal perspective (think harassment charges).

2) It could be worse — the guy could be a Yankees fan.

But yeah... she’s pretty shameless, IMO.


----------



## TDSC60

Demot321 said:


> I should probably put it out there that she is the only person I have ever had sex with... I know it's not the norm now a days. That might be part of why it's so hard to let go. Well she it's morally lose. When she drinks I think she could have sex with almost anyone.


That does make it harder to detach from her. But she is still a woman without character and morals. Not a good wife and a bad example for the kids. Cut her loose.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

TDSC60 said:


> That does make it harder to detach from her. But she is still a woman without character and morals. Not a good wife and a bad example for the kids. Cut her loose.


Same here. 38, only 1 sexual partner, my STBXW.


----------



## Taxman

Get a men’s rights lawyer, and prepare a Case that will show how she is both a terrible wife and mother. Record her dressing down the kids, show how she abandons them for cheap and tawdry sex. One of mine had such a surprise case. Nothing would have led her to believe that he was going to place into evidence what was introduced. He blindsided her. Her lawyer tried in vain to keep evidence out, but his attorney was brilliant. After all was said and done. She was ordered to have a court mandated psych evaluation and limited contact with her children. When she asked why? He told her that he was paying her back for the affairs and her shytte treatment during her affair. As a parting f u, the judge ordered her not to introduce her kids to any boyfriend.


----------



## BluesPower

Demot321 said:


> I should probably put it out there that she is the only person I have ever had sex with... I know it's not the norm now a days. That might be part of why it's so hard to let go. Well she it's morally lose. When she drinks I think she could have sex with almost anyone.


Dude, she would have sex with anyone, whether she was drunk or not. 

Yes, she thinks she should be allowed to have sex with anyone when she want to. 

But the thing is, you don't need to be married to her. And you know, being afraid and putting yourself through this type of pain is just foolish. 

You need to learn about relationships and women and when you do, you will start to understand how horrible a person your wife is. 

Just divorce he already and start working on yourself. 

Maybe it is time to grow up a little????


----------



## Evinrude58

One thing that some guys don’t figure out is—— their wife is not the only woman in the world they can love. It’s so incredibly against what you feel when you’re betrayed and sent packing.... but how could a sane person want a woman like your wife? They are nothing but trouble. 

There are LOTS of women out there that will SHOW you how much they love you and of you want..... likely younger and better looking.

Don’t be afraid to look for a new person. 
Don’t be afraid that women won’t find you attractive.

Just look for one that has a long track record of reasonable behavior. If you see red flags, heed them! 

Your wife is likely baiting you. Do t take the bait.


----------



## Demot321

Your wife is likely baiting you. Do t take the bait.[/QUOTE]

You are probably right. I deleted and blocked her on everything. I only saw that post because of a friend. 
I know the sky is the limit on finding a better person. 
I have just devoted half my life to giving the best I can for my faimly and she is throwing it all away. 
Just taking it one.day at a time. Started getting back into powerlifting after taking off for a few weeks. 

He looks out of shape and has bone cancer so what ever. I know he has money. I would to if I didn't sacrifice for my kids to go to private school for the late 7 years. I could drive a brand new bmw but I drive a 500$ car atm. 

I know things will get better for me emotionally with time and when I'm ready I will find a good woman.


----------



## oldshirt

Two things regarding this in bold below -






Demot321 said:


> I should probably put it out there that she is the only person I have ever had sex with... I know it's not the norm now a days. That might be part of why it's so hard to let go.
> 
> *There is some kind of hardwiring deep inside all of us that tells us that the person with are currently engaged with is our one and only shot at love and that if it fails we will suffer a life of emptiness and loneliness and die alone in a skid-row apartment being eaten by our cats.
> 
> This is of course completely false. The options and opportunities for love and connection follow us throughout the entire course of our lives. When one door closes, another door(s) open in time. You may have a few lonely nights with tears in your pillow here and there, but assuming you don't lock yourself away in a cave on a mountain top or in a cabin with the Unibomber, you will find love again if you seek it.
> 
> It will happen; you just haven't experienced it yet since has been your one and only thus far. *
> 
> 
> Well she it's morally lose. When she drinks I think she could have sex with almost anyone.
> 
> *She is simply not wife and mother material.
> 
> Don't fear losing her love, sex and companionship because you do not have a real relationship now. *


----------



## Demot321

Hey guys quick question. She posted that she will be getting a new phone tommorow. Witch is weird because I know she already has it and has had it for weeks. Anyway, should I just cancel her off my plain sence she is essentially doing that on her own. 
I'm asking as should I do that as a strong move or would that be more of a stupid thing to do.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Cancel her phone now. Is she paying her half of the mortgage/lease that I assure is in both your names? Probably not. 

Stop following her on social media. You are pain shopping.


----------



## Jasel

You really need to stop pain shopping. Yes kick her off your plan.


----------



## Kamstel

When is your appointment with the men’s rights lawyers???

You need to blow up her world! Have her served at work


----------



## Demot321

Kamstel said:


> When is your appointment with the men’s rights lawyers???
> 
> You need to blow up her world! Have her served at work


 It's this tuesday and I got her fired from her work. 
I think she is just building up credit card dept. She has been buying the kids toys like crazy the last few weeks. Witch I'm ok with but we deffently don't have alot of money atm.


----------



## Bibi1031

Demot321 said:


> Thank you. I was just going to post about every time I'm with my kids I just want to save my family, regardless of what she has done.
> 
> You are right. Her decisions have been selfish and destructive, and she thinks everything she is doing is ok and that the kids will be just fine.
> 
> I have an appointment with a good mens rights attorney next week. The sooner I do the right thing and the hard thing, the better me and my kids will be.
> 
> I know she is capable of being a better person but I am done waiting for her to change well she tears down are house.
> 
> Proverbs 14:1
> Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands


I have to tell you that most women that have the illness your wife has, make terrible mistakes if they are not closely supervised by a great therapist before and after giving birth. Actually, therapy is pretty much for life! I know because I have a daughter just like your wife. She did pretty much the same mistakes as your wife. If it wasn't for the prompt intervention of God and myself, she would of hurt herself and her children more than I even care to imagine. 

Things have turned around for the better, but much was needed to be done, and fast, in order to turn all of it around. I don't think your marriage will have the same turn around unless your wife is willing to get herself into honest therapy, work on the marriage, leave her affair partner, make sure medicine takes care of her ailments, and for God to take care of the spiritual war she is being influenced by. I was a wimp when it came to my daughter's issues. I kept her first affair secret from everyone and she turned things around the first time, but as soon as she became pregnant a second time, she suffered from sever PTSD and was not medicated for her bipolar disorder because she decided to breast feed the baby. 

She engaged in yet a second affair, she was a terrible mother because she pretty much only cared for the baby, but detested my oldest grandchild and her husband as well. It was horrible and very scary. I still can't believe things are great now. Hopefully this will never happen again, but she wants a third and last child. The great thing is that she knows not to leave her doctor's supervision nor her therapist or spiritual guide either. It helps that the whole family is on board with the knowledge that if she goes back to being distant and mean, it is because something is terribly wrong and her doctors need to know about it. 

I am so sorry for all of your family, including your wife. I think it is best in your case to set her free, but not without trying to get full custody of your children. She will hurt them even if she doesn't want to. I was prepared to make my daughter give her husband full custody of her kids by any means I could when she was certain she was done with her marriage. Thank God that was not necessary. She is on medication, has been for the past 11 months. Has been on therapy too, but what truly helped was her being delivered by God with the intervention of a priest as the vessel for the liberation to work. It sounds crazy and everyone here blasted me for believing the root of all her problems was a spiritual issue and not just adultery and bi-polar disorder combined later with the knowledge of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that often comes with bipolar women who recently give birth.

Nothing worked faster than the liberation. The therapy and the medicine was not working all that well, but once she was liberated everything fell into place and her addiction/so called love for OM simply disappeared. If I didn't witness it myself and held her completely devastated because she had feelings for the low life OM a couple of days before the liberation, I would not believe it either. 

Please, file and fight for as much custody as you can get. Love those kids more than your life because you are the only sane parent they have. Your wife is incapable of loving anyone at this point in her life. She isn't in love with that man, but you can't do a thing about that because she truly hates you right now. When my daughter was in that messed up state she couldn't stand her husband or her oldest child either. It was very difficult to hear her say that. She didn't like her oldest because the kid was just like the dad and she saw both of them as weak. It is crazy the things that came out of her mouth back then. Very dark times for a mother to have to face alone and I was completely alone with all this craziness. I sadly think you are indeed all alone in all this too. The difference between you and me is that you do have parental rights to your children. You can fight for their safety. Please just do it!


----------



## jlg07

Cancel out your joint credit cards ASAP. She shouldn't be using it now -- she gave that up with her actions.


----------



## Marc878

Her debt will be partly yours. You should have already filed.


----------



## Kamstel

Call the credit card companies IMMEDIATELY and cancel all joint accounts!!!


----------



## Demot321

I saw the lawyer today. He was very confident that with the infidelity, drug use and her interdusing the kids to the new man that I have a good case. 

He wants to go for full legal decision making, 50/50 custody( he wanted full but my work scedual probably won't allow that), he wants her drug tested as well. 
Overall it was a good meeting. The biggest problem with my criminal case is the time it takes for me to take classes. 
My coart date is on the 14th so be think about.me.
Thanks for all the info and.pushimg.me.forward guys.


----------



## VermiciousKnid

If there is documented evidence of illegal drug use then you'd get full custody very easily. Push for that regardless of your work situation.


----------



## Kamstel

Glad that the meeting with the lawyer went so well. 

When is she going to be served?

Keep moving forward


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Demot321 said:


> I saw the lawyer today. He was very confident that with the infidelity, drug use and her interdusing the kids to the new man that I have a good case.
> 
> He wants to go for full legal decision making, 50/50 custody( he wanted full but my work scedual probably won't allow that), he wants her drug tested as well.
> Overall it was a good meeting. The biggest problem with my criminal case is the time it takes for me to take classes.
> My coart date is on the 14th so be think about.me.
> Thanks for all the info and.pushimg.me.forward guys.


I didn't see, if it has been discussed (where do you live). If I were you I would go for 'Primary' custody instead of 50/50. Primary custody will allow you to set the time you spend with your kids and you can arrange for when she sees the kids. It can be amended later but it would be a heck of a lot easier to start of with that instead of trying to change it down the road and give you a lot of flexibility. Maybe even something like 9 vs 5 over nights every two weeks.


----------



## TDSC60

If the lawyer wants to go for 100% custody - let him.

You can work out the childcare latter.


----------



## Demot321

I live in Ct. Feeling really down today. Still thinking about the faimly dream and just hate the idea of all of this. I think she already filed papers. 
I love my kids so.much and just want to come home to them every night. 
I just have to get me **** together and let my lawyer do the best for me.
.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Demot321 said:


> I live in Ct. Feeling really down today. Still thinking about the faimly dream and just hate the idea of all of this. I think she already filed papers.
> I love my kids so.much and just want to come home to them every night.
> I just have to get me **** together and let my lawyer do the best for me.
> .


It will take a while for the Family Dream with her to go away. With all the &&it my STBXW put me through and the cheating and all that I uncovered, that's the hardest to deal with. To look at the 18 years I had vested, 14 years of marriage, the new house we built 4 years ago, the sound finances, the wonderful kids. It doesn't mean a damn thing if the person is just not 'right' but thinks nothing is wrong and just following their own happiness. I see and am hearing a lot more about her past when she was young that just paints a sad picture of who she is on the inside. Someone that has never been really happy but can fool a lot of people. I tried everything I could to make her happy but in the end, you cannot fight against this type of brokeness. It's perfectly normal to mourn the dreams of that family as you had imagined, the grand kids down the road, the retirement together, etc. I still mourn that, as we are weeks away from her moving out but when I look at her when I can, I can't help but think of how bad this person is. Even though she was probably like this deep down the whole time, I have chosen to keep the good times sacred, bottle them up and keep them there as for how i want to remember them, not how she rewrote the marriage history.

keep strong brother. You are going to go through a lot of roller coaster emotions but that's normal. What you are doing is for the best for everyone involved.


----------



## BluesPower

Demot321 said:


> I live in Ct. Feeling really down today. Still thinking about the faimly dream and just hate the idea of all of this. I think she already filed papers.
> I love my kids so.much and just want to come home to them every night.
> I just have to get me **** together and let my lawyer do the best for me.


Brother, look, I understand that you wanted the dream. I get it, I did too. But listen, she is a horrible human being, get that, horrible. 

What you need to be thinking is where can I find a therapist to help me find my balls and understand my worth as a man. That is what you need to be doing. 

You know, I dote on my women, current GF is no different. The difference is me, if they make one false move, they are GONE. I won't stand for it. I know my worth as a man, and I am extremely valuable. I am a good guy, I have money, not bad to look at, great in bed and on and on. 

If a woman love me, and treats me right, she will be a happy girl in every way. Take me for granted and you are toast. 

You have got to stop thinking the way you are thinking. 

Have you seen any counselor or therapist at all?


----------



## Demot321

Have you seen any counselor or therapist at all?


No not yet. I do have a large support group of wise good people. 
I also have talked to a guy I'm my church who has gone thrue alot of what I'm going thrue. He said it was 5 years befor he got any kind of I'm sorry. 
I'm trying to stay in the gym doing 5x5 power lifting. Funny thing is my soon to be x wife <-- look guys I said it!, was super against me working out for some reason. I don't think she liked seeing me get in good shape. 

I lost alot of wheight and I'm living in my cousins basement so it tuff. 

My main feed and pain is for my life with my kids. I don't want to share them forever a and it hurts like hell. I think I just miss her dirty pus lol.


----------



## Demot321

I think she filed today. I know I know. I should have filed already but I wanted to wait for my court date. I'm just crushed I couldn't sleep.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Demot321 said:


> I think she filed today. I know I know. I should have filed already but I wanted to wait for my court date. I'm just crushed I couldn't sleep.


Doesn't matter who filed now, the same end result would occur. I know there are certain things that still hurt me internally that really shouldn't because I know they are coming or they are of much lesser importance than what STBXW has already done to me but I understand.

Guess what I'm saying. I know how it feels but keep chugging along, get ready to fight for what's right and what you want but also keep an open mind on how you can go through this peacefully and quickly. If you go through it with the mindset of punishing her or making her feel pain or consequence .... it's not going to work. Outline your objectives on what's important to you and stick to them!


----------



## Marc878

Your biggest issue is you can't make a decision. If you can't move forward you'll just get played and strung along at her whim.

Is that what you want?

Better wake up to who she is.


----------



## Demot321

Marshal came but it was to drop off modification of the protective order. Basicly So I can be a baby sitter for her ,but I guess that is good for custody


----------



## Demot321

I deffently dont want her back but I do want to have a normal faimly life for my kids. Sooo maybe she will run away to Mexico


----------



## Beach123

Marc878 said:


> Your biggest issue is you can't make a decision. If you can't move forward you'll just get played and strung along at her whim.
> 
> Is that what you want?
> 
> Better wake up to who she is.





Demot321 said:


> Marshal came but it was to drop off modification of the protective order. Basicly So I can be a baby sitter for her ,but I guess that is good for custody





Demot321 said:


> I deffently dont want her back but I do want to have a normal faimly life for my kids. Sooo maybe she will run away to Mexico




You're biggest issue is YOU! You aren't doing enough to take charge of your future!

There's a big difference between taking action yourself and reacting to what she delivers.

Start being proactive instead of reactive!


----------



## Demot321

Yes I retaining the lawyer I met with. I thought this was a modification of my protective order but it's an additional restraining order. She said just in case the judge drops my protective orders.


----------



## Evinrude58

She said.........

Translation: my lawyer is setting you up to look like a monster. I want you to pay me child support and alimony and have zero rights to see your kids or have say in their lives.

You’d better get your head on right. NOW


----------



## ABHale

Your lack of a backbone has put you in the position your in now. Better learn to fight for your kids or you will never see them again.


----------



## Lostinthought61

She keeps screwing you and you keep thinking that it will all work out, time to wake up and smell the coffee, and protect yourself time to go on the offense.


----------



## President_Not_Sure

I hate hearing of any person in your situation. It seems divorce is inevitable at this point. I am so sorry you and your kids will have to experience the emotional pain you are about to go through.

I have followed this thread for a while and were it that I actually had a few free moments I would have responded sooner. I think that some of the advice you've been given has been a bit narrow minded. That's my OPINION and it is worth exactly what you or anyone is paying for it. 

As someone who is bi-polar and had my initial fall into the madness that is this disease after my first divorce I can confidently say that your wife is not herself. The sad part is that she has no concious understanding of her actions.

Drug abuse, in this case she is self-medicating, is a common behavior for bi-polar individuals. You're mental state is maddening when sober and not adequately treated by medical professionals. You dont want to admit that you think you're crazy so you start to make everyone else the enemy. Those closest to you are the people you hurt the most, and hate the most. Its a self defense mechanism and a protection mechanism. You try to drive away the people who care about you and that you care about. You dont really want to hurt them and you dont want to hear that you need medical help. Its a horrible existence.

So why isnt she driving away the OM? She doesnt have a deep connection to him. That relationship will end when he starts getting too close to her emotionally. Right now she gets sex, a dopamine hit, that elevates her mood with someone she hasn't slept with for years. Yes, it really is all about her having fun. That her fun is destructive behavior to her life does not matter to her because she thinks she has control. She is wrong. You cannot fix that. She needs medical help AND she has to recognize her behavior is destructive and want to make the changes. She isn't there based on your statements. She may never get there. 

You absolutely must fight for full custody. I would consider seeking, if possible, that she submit to an OTC urine drug test before AND after taking the kids for a visit. She absolutely has to be sober for their safety. I fear for youe kids when they are in her care as her mood swings could result in physical abuse, mental abuse or even sexual abuse. She isn't well and no one can state definitively that she won't snap on the kids for misbehaving, as kids will do. 

I detest divorce. Our vows state " in sickness and in health" "til death donus part". That said, in sickness doesnt mean to leave a treatable condition untreated. Her treatment isnt working. Her doctor needs to be made aware of this and you still have the right as her husband, for now, to reach out to her doctor. There are a lot of SSRI drugs that she can try and eventually she will find the right one at the right dose. Unfortunately that usually means a loss of empathy or understanding of the hurt you may cause others. The drugs permanently rewire the brain. They can make sex boring. Home life boring. Life boring. It is a side effect and her doctor needs to help manage those side effects. 

If you want to try to save the marriage, which is likely an exercise in futility, so that you can know you tried everything you could then send her a letter stating that you understand she is in a bad space mentally and emotionally. That you want to help her get the medical treatment she desperately needs. If she is willing to do so then you are willing to seek counseling with her to repair the marriage. If she has no interest in reconciliation then she needs to seek medical help for the sake of the kids because you have grave concerns about her fitness as a parent in her current state. You absolutely need to speak to your lawyer before writing such a letter and it would likely need to go from your lawyer to her lawyer. Her lawyer is hired to protect her but there is also a duty to protect the children, even if that isnt in the best interests of the client. Local laws may differ on that but most states take child safety very seriously. 

Good luck. Stay strong. This too will pass. God puts nothing on us that we can't handle. Lean on him and let him guide you through this rough patch in life. God bless you and your kids. Pray for her. She needs divine intervention as much as she needs medical attention 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


----------



## SentHereForAReason

President_Not_Sure said:


> I hate hearing of any person in your situation. It seems divorce is inevitable at this point. I am so sorry you and your kids will have to experience the emotional pain you are about to go through.
> 
> I have followed this thread for a while and were it that I actually had a few free moments I would have responded sooner. I think that some of the advice you've been given has been a bit narrow minded. That's my OPINION and it is worth exactly what you or anyone is paying for it.
> 
> As someone who is bi-polar and had my initial fall into the madness that is this disease after my first divorce I can confidently say that your wife is not herself. The sad part is that she has no concious understanding of her actions.
> 
> Drug abuse, in this case she is self-medicating, is a common behavior for bi-polar individuals. You're mental state is maddening when sober and not adequately treated by medical professionals. You dont want to admit that you think you're crazy so you start to make everyone else the enemy. Those closest to you are the people you hurt the most, and hate the most. Its a self defense mechanism and a protection mechanism. You try to drive away the people who care about you and that you care about. You dont really want to hurt them and you dont want to hear that you need medical help. Its a horrible existence.
> 
> So why isnt she driving away the OM? She doesnt have a deep connection to him. That relationship will end when he starts getting too close to her emotionally. Right now she gets sex, a dopamine hit, that elevates her mood with someone she hasn't slept with for years. Yes, it really is all about her having fun. That her fun is destructive behavior to her life does not matter to her because she thinks she has control. She is wrong. You cannot fix that. She needs medical help AND she has to recognize her behavior is destructive and want to make the changes. She isn't there based on your statements. She may never get there.
> 
> You absolutely must fight for full custody. I would consider seeking, if possible, that she submit to an OTC urine drug test before AND after taking the kids for a visit. She absolutely has to be sober for their safety. I fear for youe kids when they are in her care as her mood swings could result in physical abuse, mental abuse or even sexual abuse. She isn't well and no one can state definitively that she won't snap on the kids for misbehaving, as kids will do.
> 
> I detest divorce. Our vows state " in sickness and in health" "til death donus part". That said, in sickness doesnt mean to leave a treatable condition untreated. Her treatment isnt working. Her doctor needs to be made aware of this and you still have the right as her husband, for now, to reach out to her doctor. There are a lot of SSRI drugs that she can try and eventually she will find the right one at the right dose. Unfortunately that usually means a loss of empathy or understanding of the hurt you may cause others. The drugs permanently rewire the brain. They can make sex boring. Home life boring. Life boring. It is a side effect and her doctor needs to help manage those side effects.
> 
> If you want to try to save the marriage, which is likely an exercise in futility, so that you can know you tried everything you could then send her a letter stating that you understand she is in a bad space mentally and emotionally. That you want to help her get the medical treatment she desperately needs. If she is willing to do so then you are willing to seek counseling with her to repair the marriage. If she has no interest in reconciliation then she needs to seek medical help for the sake of the kids because you have grave concerns about her fitness as a parent in her current state. You absolutely need to speak to your lawyer before writing such a letter and it would likely need to go from your lawyer to her lawyer. Her lawyer is hired to protect her but there is also a duty to protect the children, even if that isnt in the best interests of the client. Local laws may differ on that but most states take child safety very seriously.
> 
> Good luck. Stay strong. This too will pass. God puts nothing on us that we can't handle. Lean on him and let him guide you through this rough patch in life. God bless you and your kids. Pray for her. She needs divine intervention as much as she needs medical attention
> 
> Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


wow, this is very insightful. This post hit upon something my counselor has been telling me about my STBXW for the past 6 months. That since she actually has gotten so close to me, too close, she is pushing me away because of her condition, abuse, being Bi-Polar, whatever has plagued her emotionally her whole life. It makes a lot of sense. She cannot keep friends for long periods of time if she spends a moderate amount of time around them. She gets bored of houses, arrangements, jobs, just about everything. My counselor said that is because she needs to stay busy or the pain or demons creep up. Don't mean to thread jack but the way you put this really struck a thought with me and put something together that my counselor has been trying to tell me as a theory for months!


----------



## Demot321

President_Not_Sure. Yes your post is very insightful. 
Her new restraining order basicly said I have been raping and physically abusing her sence me and her were in high school and that I "black out" and don't remember any of it. I have never hurt her or raped her. And she said I have raped her more over the last year. I guess that's extra strange sence that's how long she has been with the new guy.
I just couldn't belive it when I was reading it. She is without a doupt trying to destroy me at this point. 
This weekend she is going to NY with her new guy and won't be home till 5 or 6 sunday(on mothers day....). 
I do think I will have her drug tested as that's what my lawyer wants to do. 

I just feel helpless because I got arrested and have this DV against me know. I feel like she can now take ever thing from me.


----------



## President_Not_Sure

stillfightingforus said:


> wow, this is very insightful. This post hit upon something my counselor has been telling me about my STBXW for the past 6 months. That since she actually has gotten so close to me, too close, she is pushing me away because of her condition, abuse, being Bi-Polar, whatever has plagued her emotionally her whole life. It makes a lot of sense. She cannot keep friends for long periods of time if she spends a moderate amount of time around them. She gets bored of houses, arrangements, jobs, just about everything. My counselor said that is because she needs to stay busy or the pain or demons creep up. Don't mean to thread jack but the way you put this really struck a thought with me and put something together that my counselor has been trying to tell me as a theory for months!


I am glad that my personal experience is able to help someone else. I have struggled with bipolar disorder for all of my adult life. I am in my 3rd marriage so I know the pain of divorce. Thankfully no kids were involved with the first two marriages. In both cases I was divorced by my exes. In both cases my ex spouses went wayward. The first because she was young, sexually inexperienced and was seduced by a slick talking extremely well hung coworker of mine. She climbed out of our bed at 2AM three days after we married to go climb in his bed. When she came back the next morning I asked her to talk about what had happened, where she had been. She refused, called the police and had me arrested for domestic abuse. I never raised my voice, much less my hand, towards her. This was around the time of the original O.J. Simpson case so the police were under orders to remove the male from the property. While I sat in jail, she emptied my checking, savings and small money market accounts. She took out a signature loan in my name (legal where we lived) and called friends and family to come empty my home. She told them I raped her. We hadn't even had sex since we were married due to skin irritation she had between her vagina and anus. That was due to vigorous sex with the OM the night before we married. My friends and family were trying to reach me. She kept telling them she didnt know where I was. My dad, God rest his soul, assumed something wasnt right and started calling hospitals and jails. He got me out 29 hours after I was incarcerated. She worked for a lawyer, who she was also sleeping with I later found out, so they took me to the cleaners. 

My second wife. We were married almost 10 years. I thought we had a perfect marriage. The last few years of the marriage she was working on her bachelor's degree at night with plans for law school post-grad. I took on a LOT of extra work to help build up funds to pay for law school. I also had career aspirations and got an offer in a different city for a dream job. I had been offered the position several times but didnt take it so she wouldnt have to change colleges mid degree. We talked at length about me taking the position. The job was in a city with the law school she was planning to attend. I was to move and get us established with housing in the new city. I would have a substantial increase in pay to offset the dual housing expense plus the extra work I had done netted us around $130k in the bank. After 3 months of living apart she showed up at the apartment on a Saturday morning. I had been begging to come home to see her for 6 weeks. She had been telling me 'not this weekend' because of her need to prep for finals. I opened the door to the surprise of her being there. My joy was instantly shattered when she said "we need to talk". In she walked, I closed the door and turned around. She matter of factly said she was divorcing me. Wouldnt discuss reasons why or even consider marriage counseling. I found out later through some mutual friends that her "studying" was anatomy and she had been studying vigorously and often with a guy she met in a business finance class. Since she never actually took an anatomy class that made it quite evident that she had been cheating for close to a year and a half. She had already moved all the money out of accounts I had access to and had been secretly removing herself from all our credit accounts. I was left with bare necessities I had in the apartment and about $20k in credit card debt. My car was in both of our names and her lawyer made it a requirement of the divorce that I sell the car and give her half the money from the sale. Once again, I took a financial beating along with the emotional beating of divorce.

I hope my sharing doesnt come across as a thread jack. I shared my experiences so that the OP can understand that other people have gone through equally tough situations. Listen to your lawyer. This is now a legal battle. The law doesnt care about your feelings. It only cares about what the rules are in the written law. You best start playing hard ball. Dont take my path, take my advice. My path was to just get out and not hurt the person I still loved deeply. In hindsight I should have gone on the offense, tried to recover at least half of my money, not had all the debt shoved on me, so on and so forth. I wish you the best. Time to get mean for the sake of your kids and your own sanity. Keep posting when you need advice or to chat. 


Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## VladDracul

President_Not_Sure said:


> If you want to try to save the marriage, which is likely an exercise in futility, so that you can know you tried everything you could then send her a letter stating that you understand she is in a bad space mentally and emotionally. That you want to help her get the medical treatment she desperately needs. If she is willing to do so then you are willing to seek counseling with her to repair the marriage. If she has no interest in reconciliation then she needs to seek medical help for the sake of the kids because you have grave concerns about her fitness as a parent in her current state. You absolutely need to speak to your lawyer before writing such a letter and it would likely need to go from your lawyer to her lawyer. Her lawyer is hired to protect her but there is also a duty to protect the children, even if that isnt in the best interests of the client. Local laws may differ on that but most states take child safety very seriously.


Do you know what this guy is saying?












He's saying, "I wanted to try everything I could to save my marriage to a woman who no longer wanted me.

I told you in an earlier post to stay the hell away from her. Yet you know what type phone she's getting, where she's going, what time she's getting back, et cetera. If you send her a letter, call her, talk to her, you're a damn fool. I seen this crap time and time again. Get your head out of your azz and smell the coffee before you end up doing time. She setting you up and if lucky, very lucky, you may get out of this thing in one piece. The courts don't really give a rats ass about how much you want to save your family. They deal with this type crap 5 days/ 52 weeks a year with every defended singing the same tune.


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## Demot321

Yes I'm going.to all ask my.lawyer to be aggressive. It's sad the last few days I have been almost suicidal and just a month ago I was powerlifting, very involved in church, and the kids are doing great in school. 
I need my lawyer to take care of me in all of this because I can barely make it threw the day. 

She won't see how her affair brought all of this apon us. She will just deflect it all on me. 
I do know that if she doesn't change on the inside her life will still be full of all the same problems. 
The part were you said she has never been able to keep a friend for long is true. I'm not entirely sure why that is. She is self centered and meen when she talks but she is also thoughtful in alot of her actions. She is just emotionally very immature. She has treated me and my faimly with so much hate but then can flip a switch in a second and put on a sweet and nice persona. 
I wish she would get a psychological evaluation so we could know for sure what her problems are. 
At this point I really just need to get her as much as possible with 2 kids out of my life and hope she doesn't financially kill me.


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## Demot321

VladDracul Yes I know not to contact her. I know all this info from what my son has told me that's all and to set up pick up times.


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## VladDracul

Demot321 said:


> She won't see how her affair brought all of this apon us. She will just deflect it all on me.
> I do know that if she doesn't change on the inside her life will still be full of all the same problems.


Why do you think its your mission in life to fix her? Only she can do that and you don't have the power to even make her see it; let alone change her. The only viable solution to your problem Dawg:


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## President_Not_Sure

Demot321 said:


> Yes I'm going.to all ask my.lawyer to be aggressive. It's sad the last few days I have been almost suicidal and just a month ago I was powerlifting, very involved in church, and the kids are doing great in school.
> I need my lawyer to take care of me in all of this because I can barely make it threw the day.
> 
> She won't see how her affair brought all of this apon us. She will just deflect it all on me.
> I do know that if she doesn't change on the inside her life will still be full of all the same problems.
> The part were you said she has never been able to keep a friend for long is true. I'm not entirely sure why that is. She is self centered and meen when she talks but she is also thoughtful in alot of her actions. She is just emotionally very immature. She has treated me and my faimly with so much hate but then can flip a switch in a second and put on a sweet and nice persona.
> I wish she would get a psychological evaluation so we could know for sure what her problems are.
> At this point I really just need to get her as much as possible with 2 kids out of my life and hope she doesn't financially kill me.


You're not thinking straight my dude. YOU have to take care of yourself and your children during all of this. Your lawyer is there only to help you with the legal. Make sure your lawyer knows everything. The accusations of rape are extremely troubling. As has been pointed out by others, she is setting you up to ruin your life. Part of that is the mental health problems. She is focusing all of her pain of the situation into your total destruction. That you're contemplating suicide means her plan is working and/or you have your own mental health problems that you need medical attention for NOW. If you feel suicidal you need to go to the ER. At the very least call the suicide hotline.

I'm bipolar. I have some extremely dark periods of my life when I refused to get treatment. Self medicating with any and every chemical I could find to put in my body. I overdosed more times than I care to think about. Some were accidental and some were on purpose. Yes. I was trying to kill myself. I get where those feelings come from and I am here to tell you it is not a solution. 

Lets say you kill yourself. What have you actually done to solve the problems in your family's lives? You would doom your kids to a life with a woman who is extremely unstable mentally. You will twist your kids minds to the point they become mentally unstable. While right now she may not seem like she gives a damn about you there is a day coming where your WW will wake up to the path of destruction she has plowed. The only thing you "solve" by suicide is proving once and for all you're a coward. That's it. 

I know you're hurting. We all know that. Sometimes life sucks and we go through really horrible emotional pain. Death of friends and family. Divorce. Financial issues. Betrayal by a loved one. Whatever the flavor, the emotional pain takes its toll on us. That's part of being a human. You will make it through this. It will hurt more than you could ever have imagined. The pain you feel now will get worse before it gets better. It will get better though. It takes a long time to heal. I am twice divorced, currently married 8+ years and have two beautiful children with my wife. My wife was married once before. There are things that trigger emotions for both of us even to this day. It takes years to heal and even then I dont know that you heal as much as you just quit caring about it. 

I knew I was as healed as I would get when I got sick of telling my story to people. Getting back into the dating scene had me telling my story more times than I cared to count. That was a whole new set of painful feelings to deal with but you're a long way from needing to face those emotions. 

You need to get the suicidal thoughts out of your head once and for all. Pull it together the best you can no matter how crappy you feel inside. Be a good parent for your kids and help them navigate their emotions. Thats priority one for you now. Your STBXW is toxic. Treat her just like you would anything else that's toxic. You handle toxic chemicals with appropriate protective equipment. You have to handle her the same way. The marriage you had is over. The woman you thought you knew is gone forever...in fact, she never existed. She's setting you up to take everything away from you. Fight for your life or eat a bullet? Which one makes the most sense? Dont let her take your life without a brutal bloody fight, metaphorically speaking. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Demot321

Thanks guys. Yea I think a lot of the bad thoughts have just been due to a total life change and lack of sleep. I'm sure I'll adapt soon.


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## TDSC60

Demot321 said:


> Thanks guys. Yea I think a lot of the bad thoughts have just been due to a total life change and lack of sleep. I'm sure I'll adapt soon.


You better wake up soon or your kids will end up paying for your crap.

Follow your lawyer's advice to the letter. Do not cringe or waffle if he suggests something that YOU think your STBXW will not like. Quit rationalizing putting things off.


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## honcho

Demot321 said:


> VladDracul Yes I know not to contact her. I know all this info from what my son has told me that's all and to set up pick up times.


If she hasn't filed for divorce have your lawyer file on Monday. It would actually help with the restraining/protection orders. Why would you need orders if your trying to get her out of your life? Why if she was so "scared" didn't she file? These are questions the court does ponder and you've got an uphill battle now and you must get aggressive and start playing to win. This lawyer should bomb her with paperwork for divorce, full custody, drug test whatever he can legally. She threw the first volley and now it's time for you to knock her off that pedestal and start winning this battle. 

Find someone who can do kid exchanges, she will trap you into breaking the order and if she follows the normal course she will text, try calling...anything to get you to engage her thus breaking the temp orders which then makes it permanent.


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## Demot321

Do you guys this it will be worth it to file for a fault divorce for infidelity. I think at best I won't have to pay alimony at worst the divorce will cost alot more.


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## Beach123

Demot321 said:


> Do you guys this it will be worth it to file for a fault divorce for infidelity. I think at best I won't have to pay alimony at worst the divorce will cost alot more.


Yes, file the fault. She is having an affair right? Why wouldn't you state what's real?

And hurry up and get it filed immediately! 

She is mowing you over so start DOING things to protect your future!

IF you haven't done the things she is accusing you of - state that clearly in the papers you file. The judge needs to know if she is providing false info.


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## bandit.45

Demot321 said:


> Do you guys this it will be worth it to file for a fault divorce for infidelity. I think at best I won't have to pay alimony at worst the divorce will cost alot more.


Yes. Divorce her bathsh*t crazy ass and get custody of those kids. 


You need to start getting mean if you want to give your children a safe future.


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## TDSC60

Demot321 said:


> Do you guys this it will be worth it to file for a fault divorce for infidelity. I think at best I won't have to pay alimony at worst the divorce will cost alot more.


Talk to lawyer. Depends on what type of alimony you are looking at.


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## Demot321

I feel pretty beat up guys. Looks like my DV charges will be dropped after I take a year long class, but my protective order has to stay in place then till the classes are over.

I don't know if I can stay were I am for that long.
So after having a faimly and living under the same roof for 12 years. Being a loving dad who always was home for the kids and working cou bless hours to give them all I could. I'm almost homeless and see my kids twice a week. 

I hurt so bad.

I'm meeting with my lawyer tommorow.


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## jlg07

Please try to make sure you put your kids first -- make sure you keep a strong relationship with them. Sucks about the DV -- talk with your lawyer about this as well. You may be able to get these dropped.


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## SentHereForAReason

jlg07 said:


> Please try to make sure you put your kids first -- make sure you keep a strong relationship with them. Sucks about the DV -- talk with your lawyer about this as well. You may be able to get these dropped.


Hoping you get some good news tomorrow dude, sucks hearing about this. Please write everything down that you can think of before you meet with the lawyer, so you can get your vital questions and thoughts answered. You don't have the convince the lawyer of anything but you need to have this list for yourself so you are covering your bases and moving at the speed of light to catch up to that evil soul that used to be your wife.


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## MJJEAN

Demot321 said:


> Do you guys this it will be worth it to file for a fault divorce for infidelity. I think at best I won't have to pay alimony at worst the divorce will cost alot more.


Discuss this with your lawyer and then with another lawyer or two for a 2nd and 3rd opinion.

In my state abuse, addiction, and adultery can have an impact on asset division and alimony. That said, it's really up to the judge. Some judges really don't care and only want to divide the assets and set alimony by the state formula. Others, who do care, can only reduce the asset and alimony division to the wayward spouse by a small percentage, at best. So, it might work out that you spend big $$$ on proving the adultery to the court's satisfaction, drag out the divorce costing you more $$$ in attorney fees, and only end up with a very slightly reduced alimony payment.


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## Chaparral

You are not listening to the folks here or your lawyer. I’ve been here guide awhile and if you don’t get your sh!t together right now you’re going to lose everything including your kids. Your wife is being coached on how to take you down. You case is going to be one of the worst ones that’s ever been here.


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## SentHereForAReason

Chaparral said:


> You are not listening to the folks here or your lawyer. I’ve been here guide awhile and if you don’t get your sh!t together right now you’re going to lose everything including your kids. Your wife is being coached on how to take you down. You case is going to be one of the worst ones that’s ever been here.


In the simplest form, maybe to help him get over the pain and the hurricane he is in. Extract everything else for just a moment, look at your kids, the innocent here. My guess is that like most of us, you love them more than yourself. That is what needs to be done here. You can grieve and mourn and do whatever later. NOW, your kids needs you, stand up and fight for them against the person that used to be your wife, who is now an enemy to everything you still hold dear!


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## honcho

Demot321 said:


> I feel pretty beat up guys. Looks like my DV charges will be dropped after I take a year long class, but my protective order has to stay in place then till the classes are over.
> 
> I don't know if I can stay were I am for that long.
> So after having a faimly and living under the same roof for 12 years. Being a loving dad who always was home for the kids and working cou bless hours to give them all I could. I'm almost homeless and see my kids twice a week.
> 
> I hurt so bad.
> 
> I'm meeting with my lawyer tommorow.


Fight the charges as much as you can. Dv charges etc will haunt you long after this divorce is done and if your innocent of the charges fight every step of the way. If you take a deal it will cost you in the long run especially given her issues. 

If you can file under adultery in your state or other at fault reasons by all means do so, you need to take the offensive with her from the get go. The final divorce decree at the end may very well list "irreconcilable differences" but that can be used for negotiations. You must show from the beginning your going to fight tooth and nail for everything and start getting her on the defensive. You play nice and you'll get steamrolled by the system.


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## VladDracul

Demot321 said:


> I feel pretty beat up guys. Looks like my DV charges will be dropped after I take a year long class, but my protective order has to stay in place then till the classes are over.
> 
> I don't know if I can stay were I am for that long.
> So after having a faimly and living under the same roof for 12 years. Being a loving dad who always was home for the kids and working cou bless hours to give them all I could. I'm almost homeless and see my kids twice a week.


The protective order makes you a marked man. Heed it and stay away from her after its listed or go around her at your own peril. I've seen many guys go back home after a restraining order was lifted. Out of at least fifty, including my own son, one or two didn't wind up in jail and with another restraining order on the back. I don't know how long you can stay where you are, but you can't go back to the house unless she moves out. Why not look to share a house or apartment with somebody.?


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## bandit.45

Demot321 said:


> I feel pretty beat up guys. Looks like my DV charges will be dropped after I take a year long class, but my protective order has to stay in place then till the classes are over.
> 
> I don't know if I can stay were I am for that long.
> So after having a faimly and living under the same roof for 12 years. Being a loving dad who always was home for the kids and working cou bless hours to give them all I could. I'm almost homeless and see my kids twice a week.
> 
> I hurt so bad.
> 
> I'm meeting with my lawyer tommorow.


Pray pray, pray, and pray some more. 

I'll pray for you too. 

Get a good lawyer and go after her without mercy. If you need to, file a defamation lawsuit against her. She is dangerous and you need to fight as hard as you can as long as you need to, to get those kids. 

Seek out mens' rights law firms and advocacy organizations that could help you. They exist you just need to look for them. Heck, if you look hard and long enough you might be able to find a lawyer who could take on your case pro bono.


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## bandit.45

Demot where do you live? US or Britain...Europe? What area?


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## Demot321

US Connecticut. Hopefully the lawyer I meet with to Day is the one. 
I have to accept that her mind is made up and she has put herself to far away to come back.
I'm sure her new boyfriend is coaching her. So I need to fight now.


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## skerzoid

Demot321 said:


> US Connecticut. Hopefully the lawyer I meet with to Day is the one.
> * I have to accept that her mind is made up and she has put herself to far away to come back.*
> I'm sure her new boyfriend is coaching her. So I need to fight now.


1. I'm going to blaspheme now & you made me do it. I hope you are satisfied.................... *JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY!!!!* What was your first clue?

2. Your wife is *Demonic*. Drug abuse is the same as DEMONIC POSSESSION. 

3. *NO* LOOKING BACK! 

4. *You are soldier of Christ*. Stop giving up. Stop talking about suicide. Get the Demon out of your life and move forward. NOW!

5. *Go after the Demon* with everything you have. Get PI$$ED!!

6.* You do what ever you have to do* to save your kids. Demand a drug test. 

7. *Use* family, friends, clergy, lawyers, anybody you can to go on the attack. 

8. *Put ALL doubt* behind you! This is a WAR!

9. *DO NOT hope for reconciliation!* Hope & Pray for her soul but do not pray for reconciliation, pray for STRENGTH, pray for COURAGE, pray for God's help to make you take DECISIVE ACTION. NOW GO FORWARD AND KICK THAT DEMON'S A$$!


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## bandit.45

Demot321 said:


> US Connecticut. Hopefully the lawyer I meet with to Day is the one.
> I have to accept that her mind is made up and she has put herself to far away to come back.
> I'm sure her new boyfriend is coaching her. So I need to fight now.


Maybe these links can help get you started. 

https://www.facebook.com/TFRMCT/

https://www.familylawrights.net/connecticut/fathers-rights/


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## Demot321

Thank you guys. I retained my lawyer today. Most likely going to file tommorow. 
Thank you for the links. My father actualy gave me the same links. 
Do you guys really think a good lawyer will make a difference in the end. Sorry never been divorce befor haha.


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## bandit.45

Demot321 said:


> Thank you guys. I retained my lawyer today. Most likely going to file tommorow.
> Thank you for the links. My father actualy gave me the same links.
> * Do you guys really think a good lawyer will make a difference in the end*. Sorry never been divorce befor haha.


With child custody absolutely. 

Remember there are two parts to a divorce... the financial settlement and child custody. You may live in a no-fault state, but the no-fault statutes usually only extend to determining the division of assets, not who gets the kids. 

Proving she is an unfit mother, which she obviously is, is what you need a good lawyer to advocate for. You need him/her to file for sole custody, have her psych reports subpoenaed, have a PI investigate her day to day behaviors, summon witnesses to testify in court as to her nasty behaviors, and use all that evidence to tear her apart in court. The judge has total decision making power when it comes to who gets sole custody and who gets visitation. Right now she is already a lap ahead of you and gaining, so get to it.


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## honcho

Demot321 said:


> Thank you guys. I retained my lawyer today. Most likely going to file tommorow.
> Thank you for the links. My father actualy gave me the same links.
> Do you guys really think a good lawyer will make a difference in the end. Sorry never been divorce befor haha.


Yes a good lawyer can make a big difference. Many divorce lawyers just want to cut deals and get easy billing time, they aren't willing to fight for the client. With your issues with restraining order and such you need to have a fighter in your corner. 

Your stbx will probably price shop and get a lower end lawyer, again a good lawyer usually eats those kinds for breakfast in a courtroom. Divorce laws give judges a great deal of latitude in rulings and a good lawyer knows how to bend and twist the laws to his clients advantage. When my ex pulled the restraining order nonesense several lawyers I spoke to told me to just accept it, you'll never win, the judges always grant them etc etc. Why would I hire a lawyer who is already conceding defeat? When I found one willing to fight I hired him and the r/o''s were denied.


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## Evinrude58

You need to build a case for YOU being the stable, secure, sane parent by documenting everything and getting her tested for drugs and doing something about your wife accusing you of RAPING her. That’s gonna be on your record! Geez. Fight that. Fight all of it.

Get full custody.

I have a friend whose mother is bipolar.
She abused her son as a child mentally and physically. He’s now in prison for basically the rest of his life because he committed a violent crime out of anger. Likely a direct result of the mental trauma he received at the hands of his bipolar mother.
Do you want that for your kids?
You’d better stop worrying about your own emotions and get Papa bear calm, cold, calculating, and aggressive with your fight for full custody of your kids. She will ruin them.
Look what she’s already done to your own life.

Not a time for procrastinating or half ass effort. All guns ablaze in this legal battle.

Your wife is literally and figuratively gone.
And she’s setting you up for prison if you aren’t careful.


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## SentHereForAReason

Evinrude58 said:


> You need to build a case for YOU being the stable, secure, sane parent by *documenting *everything and getting her tested for drugs and doing something about your wife accusing you of RAPING her. That’s gonna be on your record! Geez. Fight that. Fight all of it.
> 
> Get full custody.
> 
> I have a friend whose mother is bipolar.
> She abused her son as a child mentally and physically. He’s now in prison for basically the rest of his life because he committed a violent crime out of anger. Likely a direct result of the mental trauma he received at the hands of his bipolar mother.
> Do you want that for your kids?
> You’d better stop worrying about your own emotions and get Papa bear calm, cold, calculating, and aggressive with your fight for full custody of your kids. She will ruin them.
> Look what she’s already done to your own life.
> 
> Not a time for procrastinating or half ass effort. All guns ablaze in this legal battle.
> 
> Your wife is literally and figuratively gone.
> And she’s setting you up for prison if you aren’t careful.


As of now, if you haven't already, document EVERYTHING. Even though I have an STBXW that is a supreme liar and has no use for me anymore and I'm probably seen as the enemy, she didn't go to these lengths that you are facing and I still found a lot of benefit in documenting everything, just in case I needed it and to reflect on it for myself.


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## VladDracul

honcho said:


> When my ex pulled the restraining order nonesense several lawyers I spoke to told me to just accept it, you'll never win, the judges always grant them etc etc. Why would I hire a lawyer who is already conceding defeat? When I found one willing to fight I hired him and the r/o''s were denied.


It ain't the restraining order that gets you in trouble. Its violating it. It can mean jail time and no bond while awaiting hearing. Its extremely important not to violate it until your attorney can address it and safer for you to believe she wants you to violate it and will entice you to violate it, because she will. It would be better for you if your employer, or you if self employed to temporarily transfer out of town.
Believe me DeMot, her, her boyfriend, and gawd only knows who else, have set up ambush and you'd be like a dove flying into a baited field.


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## TDSC60

A GOOD lawyer can make all the difference in divorce if you follow there recommendations and not try to second guess them.

Do not make decisions based on what you think your STBXW might or might not do or think. You are in a war now and she is the enemy. She won the first couple of battles because you did not think she was a ruthless ***** capable of lies and deception. Now you know what she is.


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## skerzoid

In human relationships, men and women handle perceived weaknesses differently. Men, coming from a hunting culture/food gathering background needed teamwork in hunting and war. The group was only as strong as its weakest member. Therefore, weaknesses were brought out openly and made a strength. Often this was done through nicknames as identifiers. "Shorty", "Fats", "Slim", "Baldy", 'Stinky", "Gimpy", were examples of nicknames that would release a man from doubt about their stature and make a weakness a goodnatured strength. Also, men would tend to make up after altercation or fight and even become friends.

Women, on the other hand, try to protect their friends or loved ones by avoiding mention of a perceived weakness (in public) and will protect their friends from being shamed. However, cross that woman, and the fangs and claws come out. The perceived weaknesses then become a weapon that can cut like no other. Men are often amazed at how hurtful the woman they thought they knew can become in a combat situation, and left bleeding on the ground wondering "What the hell happened." And a woman rarely forgives and forgets and vengeance can be forestalled and savored later at their pleasure. Someone a woman perceives as an enemy is rarely forgiven. Ever. 

So. Go into this understanding what you dealing with; an enemy that will cut you to the bone to get what they want. They only respect Strength, Courage, and Decisiveness. Better overcome your tendency to play nice, or plan on being decimated.


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## Demot321

She was ether served today or she will be tommorow. 

I almost dicided not to but then I was doing Skype with my son and she relaid a msg that she dropped off some mail for me. Then after that she flipped of my 12 year old son and told him to give me that msg as well. 

I don't understand how degenerate you have to be to flip off your 12 year old son to relay a message. It is getting easyer every day to despise who she is right now.


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## TAMAT

Demot,

I wasn't going to write to your thread since it seemed like a done deal without debate.....

However I think it is critical that you have a separate place for you children to live where they can escape your WW. 

A sanctuary from your WWs abuse, since your WW is incapable of comprehending your childrens needs.

It's also critical to get a restraining order to keep your W from ever coming within a mile of where you live.

Tamat


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## Rubix Cubed

Demot321 said:


> She was ether served today or she will be tommorow.
> 
> I almost dicided not to but then I was doing Skype with my son and she relaid a msg that she dropped off some mail for me. Then after that she flipped of my 12 year old son and told him to give me that msg as well.
> 
> I don't understand how degenerate you have to be to flip off your 12 year old son to relay a message. It is getting easyer every day to despise who she is right now.


 It's a shame you don't have a video of that for your lawyer. You can't save Skype chats, can you?


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## OutofRetirement

Demot321 said:


> I don't understand how degenerate you have to be to flip off your 12 year old son to relay a message. It is getting easyer every day to despise who she is right now.


You have been told by two posters with first-hand experience that your wife HATES YOU right now. (Bibi post # 83)(Not_Sure_President #106). Both of those posters were very sympathetic about your wife but very adamant that your wife is HATING YOU right now. Please believe it. All actions and words point to that.


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## Demot321

Hey guys, today went well. 

Im very happy with my lawyer. He basicly got the civil restraining order dropped in lieu of the pending divorce.

My STBXW had a pro bono lawyer and my lawyer basicly took him by the hand and took charge of the case. You could see my wife steeming. 

Thank you for your help so far guys. It feels good to take action. I'm also getting back to the gym and lifting heavy. 

I know I'm just doing good atm and I will still have alot of hard times ahead. 

I over heard her talking about my daughter coming home crying one day to the lawyer. So it looks like she is going.to fight with the kids now.

One day at a time and trusting that God has a plan even if I can't see it.
3 / 3


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## Evinrude58

Demot321 said:


> Hey guys, today went well.
> 
> Im very happy with my lawyer. He basicly got the civil restraining order dropped in lieu of the pending divorce.
> 
> My STBXW had a pro bono lawyer and my lawyer basicly took him by the hand and took charge of the case. You could see my wife steeming.
> 
> Thank you for your help so far guys.* It feels good to take action. *I'm also getting back to the gym and lifting heavy.
> 
> I know I'm just doing good atm and I will still have alot of hard times ahead.
> 
> I over heard her talking about my daughter coming home crying one day to the lawyer. So it looks like she is going.to fight with the kids now.
> 
> One day at a time and* trusting that God has a plan even if I can't see it.*
> 3 / 3


Indeed, he does.

It does feel good to take action doesn't it????!!!!!! Taking action is the only thing that will move you forward and get you to a point of being happy with your life again. You so badly need to record all conversations with your STBXW at this point. If it's a state that allows recording with only your knowledge, do that. You need all this horrid behavior on tape. Otherwise, to the judge, it didn't happen.

You have got a rough and rugged road to travel. But you have smoothed and straightened that road dramatically by doing one thing: hiring a lawyer and having her served. FREAKING BRAVO, SIR!!!!!!!

You have made a major step forward with your life. You are accepting reality. You are dealing with reality. Soon, your reality will be much different and much more livable.

Your STBXW is your enemy at this point. But the good news is, she sounds like she is her own worst enemy. If you have a decent lawyer, and you listen to his or her advice, you will likely be in good shape. I urge you to get full custody of your kids. No matter what it costs you.


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## skerzoid

1. *Get a VAR* and keep it on you at all times when around her.

2. Try to communicate *as little as possible*, through the lawyer if necessary. 

3. Pray for her soul, but remember, *She is basically possessed*. Get her drug tested when possible.

4. Demot, you are becoming *decisive* now, keep up the *strength & courage*. You do this for your kids!


----------



## VladDracul

Remember, a dropped restraining order is still in the records and will be considered by the courts if another incident occurs. If she entices you to screw up, its your funeral. Watch your back.


----------



## honcho

VladDracul said:


> Remember, a dropped restraining order is still in the records and will be considered by the courts if another incident occurs. If she entices you to screw up, its your funeral. Watch your back.


She will try and push your buttons into doing or saying something. At this point you just need to seal off your world from her as much as you can. Don't respond to calls or texts from her friends and family either. That can be used against you also. You won an early round in the fight but expect more battles. She will most likely have a new lawyer in short order, she won't like not getting what she wanted and she will be better prepared for the next round.


----------



## Demot321

This is So hard. My daughter wants me.home so.bad. I just want to text my wife. Somewhere in my mind I think she will all the sudden love me again, but I know she hates every part off me. 

I just hate that she did this to are faimly.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Her actions thus far tell you everything you need to know on where her heart lies. 

Stay strong Demot, for yourself and your children.


----------



## bandit.45

Push your lawyer to get you temporary joint custody of your daughter during the D process.


----------



## President_Not_Sure

DO NOT TEXT HER!!!!! 

Look man, life sucks when you're going through this crap. You need to get it into your head that she is pure evil at this point. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. She feels scorned even though she brought it all on herself. You need to get on the phone with the lawyer and make it plain that you have every reason to believe she is mentally (physically if you have reason to believe that) and get them out of her custody. Even if that means getting Child Protective Services involved. Your lawyer can help you determine how best to get the kids out of the custody of a drugged out mom. 

I know Skype For Business allows recording of meetings and presentations. I dont know about regular Skype. At the very least, use a webcam and recording software to record the sessions. Or use any camera you have that can record video to record your monitors and the audio for the Skype calls. 

It has been said you need to use a VAR for all conversations. I suggest you use a video camera. Something small thats kind of like a police body cam is ideal. This gets the middle finger gestures AND any cussing or threats she makes to you. 

Set up a new email address. Give it to your lawyer to give to her lawyer. Instructions are that she is to only contact you at that address. There are apps that allow you a second phone number to your phone. Either do that or, preferably, get a pre-paid cheap phone and give that to your lawyer to pass to hers as the only number she can contact you at moving forward.

The reason for this is that you can simply not look at the email account but once a week so you don't have to worry about seeing a message from her pop up in your normal email. Block her email for your normal email accounts. Same reasons for the phone. Block her number on your normal phone. 

I would highly suggest you force child exchange to public spaces. I would film every single minute. Start the recording, tell the camera date, time and reason for recording. Get your face on the camera. Then clip it to your shirt. End the recording after you have the kids in the car and have started moving. If you can afford a PI or have a police detective friend that can record all meetings from a distance that would be even better. Ask her on camera if she is high. Tell her she looks high. Do NOT react when she goes negative and hateful. Stay emotionless in that moment. She WANTS you to react. Dont give her what she wants. She will get more irrate as you dont engage her on that level. Swallow the anger and take it out in the gym later. You need to be emotionless. You can tell her politely not to speak to you that way. Especially in front of the children. You can tell her you aren't going to fight with her. Otherwise it needs to be ONLY stuff about the kids. If she is late, and she will be, exchanging the kids then say so on tape. Leave it at "you are late. Be on time. You are taking my time with the kids away from me". Thats going to set her off. She will have a million excuses. Just leave it at "No excuses. Be on time from now on". You want to push her buttons and get her to react. You're turning the tables on her. You have to come across as the calm and stable parent. All for the sake of custody of your kids. If youre not good at manipulation you need to learn. Read up on the art of manipulation and reading body language. Use the two to walk her into blowing up while all you did was calmly speak with her. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Demot321

Few new things. 
The AP wife found me on Facebook and reached out to me. I didn't even know they were still together. Apparently he is begging her back but he is still seeing.my ex. 
No my wife is convincing my daughter some how to not want to spend time with me. She is just making things harder. So now I need to file for emergence custody. 
The AP wife wants to meet up. I agreed to it but it really won't change things for me, but maybe it will help her.


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## Lostinthought61

Absolutely meet up with her, you need to make OM life a living hell if possible.


----------



## sokillme

Man you have to start seeing your wife for who she is and not who you wish he was. She is a trap for you, like a Chinese finger trap the harder you try to get her back the worse you feel. You need to accept that in life things end and let her go. Have faith that you can find someone else and be happy again. And most of all fight hard to maintain a relationship with your kid. That is more important then even your ex wife and your history.


----------



## Demot321

sokillme said:


> Man you have to start seeing your wife for who she is and not who you wish he was. She is a trap for you, like a Chinese finger trap the harder you try to get her back the worse you feel. You need to accept that in life things end and let her go. Have faith that you can find someone else and be happy again. And most of all fight hard to maintain a relationship with your kid. That is more important then even your ex wife and your history.


 I agree. 
I am deffently done with her as hard as it is. Our life's destroyed at the moment. She still hasent taken on a new job and we might lose everything. 
The kids are doing ok but this is so much at once I just don't know how this will affect them in the long run. 

Her and her AP have messed up so many life's in such a short time it makes me sick. Like I have had a pain in my chest for over a week now from the grief. 

Sad part is she still blames my for all of it and probably will for a.long time.


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## Kamstel

exactly what does she point to as things that you can be blamed for?


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Demot321 said:


> I agree.
> I am deffently done with her as hard as it is. Our life's destroyed at the moment. She still hasent taken on a new job and we might lose everything.
> The kids are doing ok but this is so much at once I just don't know how this will affect them in the long run.
> 
> Her and her AP have messed up so many life's in such a short time it makes me sick. Like I have had a pain in my chest for over a week now from the grief.
> 
> *Sad part is she still blames my for all of it and probably will for a.long time.*


It's crazy to think of the rational of this train of thought but it's just part of the script for whatever reason. And sadly, if you have a conscience and/or your partner has been able to manipulate you at some point or throughout the marriage, this will have an effect on you.

Even to this day, with all that she has said and done, it's still in my DNA to think of the things I could have done better, the things I didn't do but shouldn't, etc. I will use that as fuel to do better moving on but there's nothing we could have done about it before. Nothing excuses this behavior. It's just part of the way that cheaters cope, justify and try to relieve their own guilt.


----------



## jlg07

Demot321 said:


> Sad part is she still blames my for all of it and probably will for a.long time.


She has to do this to justify it in her head so that she isn't a bad person. You KNOW that SHE is 100% at fault for cheating -- NOTHING and NOBODY else.


----------



## Demot321

I can't wait for this to be over. My blood is boiling. She had the new guy over to my house yesterday with the kids. Just grilling out and playing and then had my kids hid it from me... just blows my mind.


----------



## Goose54

Did you meet wth OBS?


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Demot321 said:


> I can't wait for this to be over. My blood is boiling. She had the new guy over to my house yesterday with the kids. Just grilling out and playing and then had my kids hid it from me... just blows my mind.


I'm not even sure how this is legal? And whatever state you are in, their version of the Friend of the Court would most likely take issue with her having the kids lie, the do not tolerate getting the kids involved. Cheating, they could care less about ... manipulation of the kids is a whole different animal. Even in my temp order as the divorce is going on, it states that neither one of us can have romatic partners around the kids.


----------



## Demot321

I'm talking to my lawyer about the situation with this guy. 

I want to have you guys give your opinion on my STBXW actions. So besides pushing him into there life's extremely soon, she has told both of them exactly what he is getting them for there birthdays. It's expensive gifts and there birthdays are still a month and a half away. 

I know she is trying to buy favor with him to them, but how messed up is it that you don't even let it be a surprise... that you tell them the one big gift they have been wanting they are going to get from him. 

It's just seems next level desperate and it's obvious she is still in a mental fog with all this. 
I hope her actions and more to come will help me in the divorse. 

She also told them she might buy a house so I can live in our house. She can not afford a house without him. It makes me wonder if she is desperate to keep him or if they are really that "in love" to buy a house together after one year in a affair relationship...

I almost want to see them together so that I can watch it fall apart when they have to live in the real world with this relationship. 

Little bit more about her. She is a narcissistic victim type. The Affair partners wife said that all he talks about is my STBXW problems and she has always played the victim for attention thrue are hole relationship.


----------



## Evinrude58

Sir, if you want to be free from constant anxiety and pain over your STBXW's horrid behavior, you've got to stop dwelling on it and move on. She's not in a fog, she's in love with another man. YOU can be in love with another woman again. And SHE will be old news, dust in the wind to you. 

Move forward. Don't dwell on thoughts of her actions. Just shake your head and move the heck on. It's ALL you can do. Nothing will change her behavior, and the courts won't do jack to help you. Talking to your lawyer about it is great. Don't expect much. 

YOU have to be the one to do something. And that thing is to move forward and let her go mentally.

I'm sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I have to watch my ex wife's new husband get to spend time with MY kids all the time. It sucks. But you can deal with it if you just move on to bigger and better things.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Evinrude58 said:


> Sir, if you want to be free from constant anxiety and pain over your STBXW's horrid behavior, you've got to stop dwelling on it and move on. She's not in a fog, she's in love with another man. YOU can be in love with another woman again. And SHE will be old news, dust in the wind to you.
> 
> Move forward. Don't dwell on thoughts of her actions. Just shake your head and move the heck on. It's ALL you can do. Nothing will change her behavior, and the courts won't do jack to help you. Talking to your lawyer about it is great. Don't expect much.
> 
> YOU have to be the one to do something. And that thing is to move forward and let her go mentally.
> 
> I'm sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I have to watch my ex wife's new husband get to spend time with MY kids all the time. It sucks. But you can deal with it if you just move on to bigger and better things.


Demot, this is it. As much as it sucks as much as emotion still takes over for us. This is it. I am a few weeks away from the final divorce hearing and about a week or so away from her moving out into her new house. As they say it gets better and it is getting better for me, even though she physically hasn't left yet, which means I should see a pretty good bump when she actually does move out and start the real healing process, along with more ups and downs I'm sure. I have seen my kids every day of their life, aside from a few getaways here and there. Starting June 13th, they will go to their moms and it will be the start of the 50/50 process. That sucks so much but there's nothing I can do about it.

What we can do about it is make the best of the situation for us and our kids when we see them and when we are alone, to keep improving ourselves. The best way that I have been moving forward with peace is to think of my wife as being no longer with us, gone forever. The woman that stands before me now, is not my wife but someone that my wife would of really hated for doing all of these things. Maybe start to think of that. You don't have to forget the memories you hold dear, remember them the way you want to remember them but associate the human being that exists today, with the new person that did all of these hateful and betraying things, that is who that person is today and not someone we would even want to be friends with. Whatever she does with the kids, unless it's emotionally or physically scarring. Let her do it. Sooner or later, the truth will be revealed by the actions of who you and your STBXW really are and the children will take notice of that.


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## Tron

Way too much focus on her.

Ugh!


----------



## BluesPower

Demot321 said:


> I'm talking to my lawyer about the situation with this guy.
> 
> I want to have you guys give your opinion on my STBXW actions. So besides pushing him into there life's extremely soon, she has told both of them exactly what he is getting them for there birthdays. It's expensive gifts and there birthdays are still a month and a half away.
> 
> I know she is trying to buy favor with him to them, but how messed up is it that you don't even let it be a surprise... that you tell them the one big gift they have been wanting they are going to get from him.
> 
> It's just seems next level desperate and it's obvious she is still in a mental fog with all this.
> I hope her actions and more to come will help me in the divorse.
> 
> She also told them she might buy a house so I can live in our house. She can not afford a house without him. It makes me wonder if she is desperate to keep him or if they are really that "in love" to buy a house together after one year in a affair relationship...
> 
> I almost want to see them together so that I can watch it fall apart when they have to live in the real world with this relationship.
> 
> Little bit more about her. She is a narcissistic victim type. The Affair partners wife said that all he talks about is my STBXW problems and she has always played the victim for attention thrue are hole relationship.


Dude, like ER just said, she is not in a fog. She is exactly where she wants to be with at rich guy that is going to take care of her. 

You are in a fog by the sheer fact that you care at all. The birthday thing, who gives a S***. 

You should not. Yes she wants him to buy off the kids, what did you expect. 

Your story was hopeless from your first post, and it you don't get this horrible woman out of your F****** head, it will always be hopeless. 

As long as the kids are not being abused, then you should not give a S*** what she does. 

The point is you should not care. 

Some of the things you say really sound obsessive, get that, and obsession...


----------



## Demot321

BluesPower said:


> Demot321 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm talking to my lawyer about the situation with this guy.
> 
> I want to have you guys give your opinion on my STBXW actions. So besides pushing him into there life's extremely soon, she has told both of them exactly what he is getting them for there birthdays. It's expensive gifts and there birthdays are still a month and a half away.
> 
> I know she is trying to buy favor with him to them, but how messed up is it that you don't even let it be a surprise... that you tell them the one big gift they have been wanting they are going to get from him.
> 
> It's just seems next level desperate and it's obvious she is still in a mental fog with all this.
> I hope her actions and more to come will help me in the divorse.
> 
> She also told them she might buy a house so I can live in our house. She can not afford a house without him. It makes me wonder if she is desperate to keep him or if they are really that "in love" to buy a house together after one year in a affair relationship...
> 
> I almost want to see them together so that I can watch it fall apart when they have to live in the real world with this relationship.
> 
> Little bit more about her. She is a narcissistic victim type. The Affair partners wife said that all he talks about is my STBXW problems and she has always played the victim for attention thrue are hole relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> Dude, like ER just said, she is not in a fog. She is exactly where she wants to be with at rich guy that is going to take care of her.
> 
> You are in a fog by the sheer fact that you care at all. The birthday thing, who gives a S***.
> 
> You should not. Yes she wants him to buy off the kids, what did you expect.
> 
> Your story was hopeless from your first post, and it you don't get this horrible woman out of your F****** head, it will always be hopeless.
> 
> As long as the kids are not being abused, then you should not give a S*** what she does.
> 
> The point is you should not care.
> 
> Some of the things you say really sound obsessive, get that, and obsession...
Click to expand...

You are probably right. 
If I was at home and with my kids more I would care less about what she is doing or what happens to her. 
I feel like her having the kids around him so early is some form of abuse. Especially sence my daughter says she doesn't like it that he is around and kissing. 

But our first court date is on the 12th so hopefully working out time with the kids will help out with me only seeing my daughter once a week right now.


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## dcFlorida

do not walk.. run


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## Demot321

I am hoping that her choices will help me.in faimly court. She left my daughter with AP today alone. Then later admitted to it over the phone with.my son. All the conversations are being recorded.


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## TRy

Demot321 said:


> I am hoping that her choices will help me.in faimly court. She left my daughter with AP today alone. Then later admitted to it over the phone with.my son. All the conversations are being recorded.


 Have your attorney ask the court to require that the other man not be around your children during the divorce process. If you have a decent attorney he will know the grounds for asking this. This is often granted by the courts.

In your very first post you stated "Then the first affair happend with a coworker of hers. I do remember her being depressed but also unapologetic and continued her affair without any regret. She just wanted to have fun. She drank hard when she was out with him." Your take on this was "I did my best to become a better man and win her back. It was very hard for me and her. Are love was so deep but full of pain already." You then said that "Eventually we managed to save are marriage and then moved out to Connecticut" and "I did find pictures of her topless that she sent to him a few months after we moved". This tells me that she cheated on you and treated you like a doormat as you did the pick me dance, and eventually rug swept it. You saying that your "love was so deep" as she continued the affair, and that you "saved are marriage" when she was still sending topless photos, indicates that there is a reality disconnect with you that needs the help of a therapist to resolve. Additionally, what is happening now was seeded in the way that you badly addressed the first affair.


----------



## Demot321

TRy said:


> Demot321 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I am hoping that her choices will help me.in faimly court. She left my daughter with AP today alone. Then later admitted to it over the phone with.my son. All the conversations are being recorded.
> 
> 
> 
> Have your attorney ask the court to require that the other man not be around your children during the divorce process. If you have a decent attorney he will know the grounds for asking this.
> This is often granted by the courts.
Click to expand...

I absolutely will.


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## Marc878

You like others will find its impossible to control your kids when it's their time with your wife.

You're just trying to hang onto something that you don't have.

If you can't get out of this mode you're in it'll just keep you bound up in this situation.

Wake up to reality. It may not be fair but it is what it is and you can't change it.


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## Marc878

No matter what custody will in all probability be 50/50.


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## Demot321

Is it strange that they are already looking to buy a house. It just blows my mind a bit, bu t i guess I should be happy that I can get the house then.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Demot321 said:


> Is it strange that they are already looking to buy a house. It just blows my mind a bit, bu t i guess I should be happy that I can get the house then.


Nope, STBXW was looking at houses with OM online 2 months into their affair and 5-6 months before our divorce even started.


----------



## Demot321

That just seems borderline insane. Apparently a year long affair is all you need for true love lol


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Demot321 said:


> That just seems borderline insane. Apparently a year long affair is all you need for true love lol


In a lot of cases, a LOT less time than that. Our divorce will be final on June 18th. So that means a little over a year since DDay on June 12th but it was over for her by August (in what she said to me) and in terms of emotions, it was probably over even before DDay. 

To be fair though, this is a man she fell in love with and had at least an EA with in 2009, so she feels that her soulmate came back into her life for a reason, even though he's still married and has convinced his wife all is well with them, even after getting busted hardcore twice.


----------



## bandit.45

Demot321 said:


> That just seems borderline insane. Apparently a year long affair is all you need for true love lol


No, not at all. It can only take weeks once those feel-good brain chemicals kick in. Play nice with her and use her fog to get the best settlement you can.


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## TDSC60

Will you please stop trying to understand what your evil wife has done. You cannot understand crazy and you cannot fix it.

Ask your lawyer to get a deposition from her former boss while he is pissed at her.


----------



## Demot321

Her former boss is actually the one still screwing her and looking at houses lol. But he did get fired too.


----------



## TDSC60

Demot321 said:


> Her former boss is actually the one still screwing her and looking at houses lol. But he did get fired too.


Whoops.

I thought she had moved on to her next victim. Sorry.


----------



## President_Not_Sure

I'm just going to put it out there that his/her future and current employers would probably like to know that they are employing people who have engaged in workplace relationships that resulted in aldultery and the destruction of a marriage. I am not suggesting you inform them. Im not suggesting you don't inform them. You would need to make sure they were anonymously informed. There are probably gray areas in the law that would allow, or forbid, such actions.

In my humble opinion I believe an employer has a right to know if an employee has engaged in activities that could have opened a company up to sexual harrassment lawsuits. I dont think it should be sole grounds for denial of work but the employer needs to know so they can a) protect current and future employees AND b) look into necessary legal protections should the employee engage in said conduct in the future. Come to think of it, if this were the law I suspect that workplace initiated affairs would see a drastic decline. I will never cheat on my wife but if I were that type of person I certainly wouldn't want to have that type of information disclosed to all future employers. I would never sexually harrass a coworker either. Those that do AND it is proven to be a legitimate accusation that resulted in settling out of court or a courtroom settled lawsuit should be forced to disclose that to all future employers. Maybe put a 10 year limit on disclosure IF there are never any other lawsuits/settlements. Just my rambling thoughts on what justice might look like in a moral world.

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


----------



## honcho

Demot321 said:


> Is it strange that they are already looking to buy a house. It just blows my mind a bit, bu t i guess I should be happy that I can get the house then.


It's not strange at all, your stbx has a Lil fantasy world playing in her head right now and the om is playing along so he can keep having sex with her. Go look at houses and talk about "happily ever after" fairytale stuff and she's dropping her pants in a heartbeat. I know a couple of guys who've had affairs and house shopping always seems to be part of the game. He's still trying to keep his own wife in this mess. He's playing your stbx for his own amusement, she thinks it "true love". He will eventually dump her trying to save his own marriage which is why you need to push and get your best deal now. 

The whole game will change if/after she gets dumped. Use this to your advantage now. She's is lala land, let her stay there


----------



## LTCNurse

Demot321 said:


> Her former boss is actually the one still screwing her and looking at houses lol. But he did get fired too.


I find it hard to imagine that two jobless people are going to be able to get a home together...renting or buying.


----------



## RWB

bandit.45 said:


> No, not at all. *It can only take weeks once those feel-good brain chemicals kick in. * Play nice with her and use her fog to get the best settlement you can.


Exactly...

Saw it first hand. Never would of believed it. All it took was a couple of weeks on F--k Book with an old college BF and my WW's fantasy was off and running... straight to the Motel-Know-Tell. 

Demot, your WW is on Affair Crack.


----------



## Demot321

Yea she is in affair high heaven. It's kinda scary because his ex tolded me that AP is also taking xanex alot just like my wife. 

And my wife is still making it hard to see my daughter. Not related but just to make my **** sadwitch a little bigger....my motorcycle got stolen today...


----------



## bandit.45

Well that sucks. Did you have a LoJack?


----------



## Demot321

Another one of thoes days where I thought about my ex most of the day. I know any thought she had of me was negative if she even did. 

Our first court date is this week so I hope to have an order in place to have her pay half of the bills on the house again. I'm still not in the house and the AP is alot. Both still have no jobs. 
I did get to see the kids alot this week, but temporary joint custody should be set up this week. 

It's gotten to the point where I'm sick of hearing myself talk about it. I just had my whole identity wrapped around my family. I just have to learn how to build a new life. It's going to be a long journey.


----------



## Marc878

It'll take some time. No one is prepared for this. 

Hard no contact as much as possible is your only way out.

If you can't apply it you'll just linger in this longer.


----------



## Be smart

Sorry you are here my Friend. 

Please dont try to understand her actions. You will never succeed. Cheaters are selfish people. 
She is the one with problems and one day she will have to face them. 

I really wonder how you lasted this long with her. You are one strong Man. 

My best advice for you is to focus on yourself and your Kids. Let your Lawyer/s do the work and hope for the best. 

Be there for your Kids. Make sure to spend some quality time with them.
Dont be ashamed to ask for help from good Friends,Family. 

Stay Strong.


----------



## Ursula

I'm sorry, maybe this has been mentioned already, but you say you're Christians, and then you say that you guys had sex pre-marriage and got pregnant outside of marriage. I'm not a Christian, but I have a lot of Christian friends, and I'm pretty sure that that's a really big no-no.


----------



## Demot321

Ursula said:


> I'm sorry, maybe this has been mentioned already, but you say you're Christians, and then you say that you guys had sex pre-marriage and got pregnant outside of marriage. I'm not a Christian, but I have a lot of Christian friends, and I'm pretty sure that that's a really big no-no.


 Yea we deffently didnt start out the best. Christian or not I was 17 and sex was all that was on my mind. Not that it makes it right but we both wanted to get married and were very much and love. 

If I was honest with myself back then I could have even seen that our values and morals never lined up. 

I just found out that she has upped her 2 antidepressants from 150mg to 300mg and 10mg to 20mg. I think that explanes why whenever I call the kids she is always sleeping or extremely giddy. 

Like you said I will never understand her. 

Im just fighting for as much time and custody of the kids as possible, and doing my best to be a good father when I do have them. 

Thank you all and I will keep you up to date.


----------



## TJW

Demot321 said:


> If I was honest with myself back then I could have even seen that our values and morals never lined up.


That brain chemical oxytocin and its partners-in-crime are strong drugs. They influence our thinking, and silence our intellect ..... our hormones carry the message "it will be ok".....even though our brains tell us this is not good for us.



Demot321 said:


> Like you said I will never understand her.


I sincerely wish you the best. You have a huge **** sandwich, and are put in a very difficult position. Your children's mother is demonstrating a very wrong life-mode, and you are faced with the quandary of how to overcome this horrid example and teach your children that their mother's actions are totally based in sin.....without ruining their bond to their mother. 

It's a very difficult position, to say the least. Faced with a similarly perplexing situation, I chose to remain in the marriage, from the legal and physical aspects, but I emotionally divorced her. I didn't want my sons taught that the way she conducted her life was "ok".

May God give you wisdom and guide your parenthood. I'm very glad to know your children have you to lead them. It will be a tough road, but your children's mother will lead them into a ditch.


----------



## Demot321

First court date tomorrow. Pritty nervous. 

I'm still missing the idea of my life with a traditional faimly. 

Hoping a good custody plan is set up so I can have my kids more. 

Thanks for everything guys.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Demot321 said:


> First court date tomorrow. Pritty nervous.
> 
> I'm still missing the idea of my life with a traditional faimly.
> 
> Hoping a good custody plan is set up so I can have my kids more.
> 
> Thanks for everything guys.


Curious since we will only have gone to court one time (most of our stuff was decided by lawyers just talking to each other through mail/email), to finalize everything on July 9th. I see people going to court many times. Is this court date for custody reasons?


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## Demot321

Yes, along with a few other orders like help with house payments.


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## Demot321

I think she is going to make custody extremly difficult. I just want my kids. Her attitude is completely full of hate. She is using the kids to hurt me at this point. 
She is also claiming I have a girlfriend and that I'm a hypocrite. I absolutely do not have a girlfriend. Not even a thought right now. I just want my kids. I'm having such a hard time with that part. 

She is so extremly angry and I just can't understand it. I thought she was happy now. I hope the court system is fair to me because she is doing her best to hurt me.


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## SentHereForAReason

Demot321 said:


> I think she is going to make custody extremly difficult. I just want my kids. Her attitude is completely full of hate. She is using the kids to hurt me at this point.
> She is also claiming I have a girlfriend and that I'm a hypocrite. I absolutely do not have a girlfriend. Not even a thought right now. I just want my kids. I'm having such a hard time with that part.
> 
> She is so extremly angry and I just can't understand it. I thought she was happy now. I hope the court system is fair to me because she is doing her best to hurt me.


Just document the heck out of everything. It looks like it's going to get ugly, which his a shame but not unexpected. You would think the people that have the indecency to commit affairs would feel bad about it and at the very least be apologetic and willing to work with you on this but it's usually the opposite. They know only their own happiness and usually have a few people in their ear telling them what they are entitled too. 

The court system is fair to the laws and not so much the morality of the situation. 

Remind me, what type of custody are you going for? Joint, primary?


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## Demot321

Joint physical and legal. I'm not looking to take them away from her. I just want the opportunity to be a parent as much as her. 

She wants to treat me like a child. I am convinced she is a victim card playing narcissist. So she is a nightmare to deal with.


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## Demot321

Still waiting for our lawyers do work on something more concrete as far and money and child custody goes. 
She finally got a job last week and has been dropping the kids of everyday for me to watch and most days they stay past her work time. I'm hoping this will help with custody. 
I'm still paying for all the bills on the house and the morgage, but hopefully that will change soon. 
She also has been telling the kids that I will get the house, and her and her boyfriend will rent a new house close buy.


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## Evinrude58

TJW said:


> That brain chemical oxytocin and its partners-in-crime are strong drugs. They influence our thinking, and silence our intellect ..... our hormones carry the message "it will be ok".....even though our brains tell us this is not good for us.
> 
> 
> 
> I sincerely wish you the best. You have a huge **** sandwich, and are put in a very difficult position. Your children's mother is demonstrating a very wrong life-mode, and you are faced with the quandary of how to overcome this horrid example and teach your children that their mother's actions are totally based in sin.....without ruining their bond to their mother.
> 
> It's a very difficult position, to say the least. Faced with a similarly perplexing situation,* I chose to remain in the marriage, from the legal and physical aspects, but I emotionally divorced her.* I didn't want my sons taught that the way she conducted her life was "ok".
> 
> May God give you wisdom and guide your parenthood. I'm very glad to know your children have you to lead them. It will be a tough road, but your children's mother will lead them into a ditch.


You're still in the marriage, sir. I hope OP gets OUT of his.


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## Demot321

You're still in the marriage, sir. I hope OP gets OUT of his.[/QUOTE]

Yes I absolutely am. 

I just want equal time with the kids and to have the ability to move on with my life. 
Her new job pays even more then her last so I'm hoping that will relieve me financially.


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## Evinrude58

Demot321 said:


> You're still in the marriage, sir. I hope OP gets OUT of his.


Yes I absolutely am. 

I just want *equal time with the kids and to have the ability to move on with my life*. 
Her new job pays even more then her last so I'm hoping that will relieve me financially.[/QUOTE]

both hugely important. You're doing yourself a favor getting out.


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## Stormguy2018

VermiciousKnid said:


> Why would you want to save this? What is there to save? She's a lifelong serial cheater. That will never change. Considering her mental illnesses and RX's, a good divorce attorney like me could easily get you full custody of the kids, for their safety, and you and they could move on and put her behind you. Her life is headed for self-destruction. That's going to happen. Don't let her drag you and the kids down with her.


Exactly. Time to boogie from this nightmare.


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## bandit.45

Demot321 said:


> I think she is going to make custody extremly difficult. I just want my kids. Her attitude is completely full of hate. She is using the kids to hurt me at this point.
> She is also claiming I have a girlfriend and that I'm a hypocrite. I absolutely do not have a girlfriend. Not even a thought right now. I just want my kids. I'm having such a hard time with that part.
> 
> She is so extremly angry and I just can't understand it. I thought she was happy now. I hope the court system is fair to me because she is doing her best to hurt me.


She's angry because she knows what she has done and is doing is wrong. She knows everyone knows she's a cheating slag and she's angry about that. You are the easy target for that anger. Just document and don't engage her.


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## [email protected]

I don't recall whether Child Protective Services had been alerted to your W's treatment of the kids. If not, alert that agency. Her treatment can be seen as child abuse.


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## Marc878

Hard 180 if you can fully apply one it'll be the best thing you can do. If you don't you'll just linger in this and it will be a self imposed limbo.


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## Demot321

[email protected] said:


> I don't recall whether Child Protective Services had been alerted to your W's treatment of the kids. If not, alert that agency. Her treatment can be seen as child abuse.


 No not yet. I have some evedence that I will show my lawyer and see what he suggest. 

I currently have a no contact order in place so 180 is no problem. Being that 180 was forced, I would suggest to everyone going threw anything like this to do there best to have no contact. It is really the fastest way to get over your ex.


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## TDSC60

No contact is great.

Now document all interaction with the kids.

Document when she drops them off, when she picks them up. Dates and times and circumstances.

Document how the kids say she acts around them. Is she *****y? Does she leave them alone with her boyfriend? How does he treat them? Does she have food in the house? Does she cook for them? Does she have rooms for them? Document things like the time she left the "bird message" with the 12 year old boy. Dates and time of day.

Document everything.

An Oh, did I mention document.

Written records go a long way in court.


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## Sports Fan

Unfortunately this is what you get for your years of weak inaction towards your wifes foul behaviour. Stop blaming yourself. Your wife is selfish and damaged. Even at this late stage take charge and do something right. See a good divorce lawyer, find out your rights file for divorce and ask for full custody sighting her issues that you have clearly explained here.

And by the way get a DNA test done on both your kids. They seemed to have been concieved around the same time of your wife finishing up other relationships.


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## jlg07

Demot321 said:


> Still waiting for our lawyers do work on something more concrete as far and money and child custody goes.
> She finally got a job last week and has been dropping the kids of everyday for me to watch and most days they stay past her work time. I'm hoping this will help with custody.


Make sure you document all of this extra time you are getting and what she is doing. This can be used by your lawyer for custody for sure...


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## Demot321

First court date done. 

Temporary custody is set up for now. I have the kids monday-friday 8-5 and every other weekend. I will be going for more time once she is working full time. 

She was ordered to pay me 200$ a week to help with all the bills and her lawyer is pushing to have her get an appartment and let me have the house. 

An order was as put in place to have no boyfriends or girlfriends around the kids at all and no overnights. So we will see if she follows that. 
She dress in a very tight and skimpy dress. I have to admit it got me for a second, but I just walk right by her without a glance while she stared at me. 

I'm still worried about getting screwed with child support. She told everyone at the court that she will be full time soon and she will be making more money then her last job. I still don't have as much time with the kids as her. 

Her financial affidavit is not good looking. Her part time income, 20k in credit card dept that I had no clue about, and no 401k or assets.


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## honcho

Demot321 said:


> First court date done.
> 
> Temporary custody is set up for now. I have the kids monday-friday 8-5 and every other weekend. I will be going for more time once she is working full time.
> 
> She was ordered to pay me 200$ a week to help with all the bills and her lawyer is pushing to have her get an appartment and let me have the house.
> 
> An order was as put in place to have no boyfriends or girlfriends around the kids at all and no overnights. So we will see if she follows that.
> She dress in a very tight and skimpy dress. I have to admit it got me for a second, but I just walk right by her without a glance while she stared at me.
> 
> I'm still worried about getting screwed with child support. She told everyone at the court that she will be full time soon and she will be making more money then her last job. I still don't have as much time with the kids as her.
> 
> Her financial affidavit is not good looking. Her part time income, 20k in credit card dept that I had no clue about, and no 401k or assets.


Did you think she had a retirement acct or other assets around? It's not unusual for the initial financial affidavit to be missing many things. My ex conveniently forgot over 200k in assets.


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## Demot321

No I don't think she did, but I do think she hid cash and used credit to cover it.


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## honcho

Demot321 said:


> No I don't think she did, but I do think she hid cash and used credit to cover it.


Have your lawyer request discovery on the surprise credit card balances, you should be able to go back at least 2 years and see what she purchased. If it was all cash advances and whatnot your lawyer can easily argue that the debt was run up not for the benefit of the marriage or whatever legal term they used, I forgot now but then she would be on the hook for the full debt balance. Been there, done that.....


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## Demot321

Off subject...but crazy. 

She dropped off my daughter this morning before the court time and my daughter was covered in my wife's perfume.( My daughter has never had perfume on) I asked her why she had moms perfume on and she said she didn't know mom just put it on. I haven't seen my wife in months and she knew I would see her today. 

Am I crazy or did my STBXW do that on purpose.


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## Marc878

Demot321 said:


> Off subject...but crazy.
> 
> She dropped off my daughter this morning before the court time and my daughter was covered in my wife's perfume.( My daughter has never had perfume on) I asked her why she had moms perfume on and she said she didn't know mom just put it on. I haven't seen my wife in months and she knew I would see her today.
> 
> Am I crazy or did my STBXW do that on purpose.


Yep she sure did. No response from you >


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## Demot321

Today was the first day of are custody scheduled. My daughter was only supposed to stay till 5 but first thing in the morning she asked her mother if she could stay till 8 and did. 

I said it was ok as long as it was ok with her mother and it was. I document this. 

So anyway, is there anything I should have to worrie about if her mother wants to give me more time?


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## BluesPower

Demot321 said:


> Today was the first day of are custody scheduled. My daughter was only supposed to stay till 5 but first thing in the morning she asked her mother if she could stay till 8 and did.
> 
> I said it was ok as long as it was ok with her mother and it was. I document this.
> 
> So anyway, is there anything I should have to worrie about if her mother wants to give me more time?


No you should not worry. But as you are doing, you should document every visit esp if she wants to stay longer, what you guys did, if your wife was late picking up or dropping off, everything. 

It may not help but it may help in the long run, esp if you cannot decide or have a dispute on custody later. 

By the sheer fact that you kept a log, shows that you were more invested and it shows initiative on your part. 

Keep doing what you are doing...


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## Demot321

Not much new. I'm still going to the gym and hitting new PRs and spending a good amount of time with the kids. 

I still dread and wonder at all we are going to lose. 

I still don't know how she could be so careless and just throw away ours and the kids lifes for this new love affair. 

I've been having a hard time thinking about my future life too. I guess I just need to keep focusing on myself and the kids.


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## threelittlestars

Wishing you the best! I just read up on your story and wow... I wish i could see her drunk and wigged out on her meds in a public bathroom. I would swirly the crap out of her. What a (I cant swear). 

At this point i would go for blood. Not literally, but figuratively. Tell your lawyer to be a shark, take all that you can from her. Because she was going to do the same to you.


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## TDSC60

You are worrying yourself sick wondering what will happen. You are so worried about a what a future will look like that you are forgetting to actually live.

Enjoy time with your kids. Enjoy your new life without the serial cheater tying you down.


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## Demot321

Thank you guys! Yea one day at a time.


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