# What do you do with your anger?



## shakeitout (Jul 31, 2012)

5 days separated from my WS. Story is here. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/52539-advice-needed.html The main thing I'm struggling with now is dealing with all this anger. I am not an angry person but I've just been filled with so much rage since he left. At myself, him, the situation and especially at her. I do NOT say bad things about him in front of the kids (3 & 4) but I'm also not talking to him. I cut off all contact unless it has to do with the kids. He's been over a few times to see the kids but most of those visits are him spending a few minutes with them and then doing nothing but looking at me all sadly, like I'm supposed to feel sorry for him or something. I've been listening to a lot of music and it helps (always has) but I'm still just so angry all the time.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Anger is part of the process of grieving. So my advice is BE angry.

Just don't take it out on anyone or scare your kids with it.


----------



## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

I know that your kids are young and so the switch of who is the parent in charge during visits is probably a bit confusing and scary to them. BUT.... I think you need to leave the house while he is with the kids -- take a walk, go to the grocery store, retreat to a different room and call a close friend. If you don't want to leave him alone in your house arrange to meet him at a park or some other public place and then leave him with the kids alone. 

He needs to see what it is like to care for the kids on his own without you as a backup, and you need to move on for you own sake & show him that you are moving on.


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

The Seven Stages Of Grief For Divorce | LIVESTRONG.COM


----------



## shakeitout (Jul 31, 2012)

That's the really good advice, Couleur. Thank you. I think next time he comes over to see the kids, I'll head to my room and call my mom. Tell him to let me know when he's leaving. It's really hard to be around him right now and I think the kids are starting to pick up on it. 

Mavash, I have been letting it fuel me, so to speak. It helps me know I made the right choice. I have a few people I can vent to via text and Facebook messages and it's helping since I don't have to worry about the kids overhearing. I guess I just wasn't expecting so much anger. I'm not used to it.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

shakeitout said:


> I guess I just wasn't expecting so much anger. I'm not used to it.


I'm a recovering codependent. As such I found I was in some pretty lousy relationships with friends and to some degree my husband as well. As I began to reevaluate my life and how I was being treated A LOT of anger came up. Even now all I have to do is THINK about how much I gave to people and how little I got back and I get mad. I wasn't used to it either. LOL


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> I'm a recovering codependent. As such I found I was in some pretty lousy relationships with friends and to some degree my husband as well. As I began to reevaluate my life and how I was being treated A LOT of anger came up. Even now all I have to do is THINK about how much I gave to people and how little I got back and I get mad. I wasn't used to it either. LOL


Still happens to me too.

As recently as night before last.

And, it was RAGE.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband is always asking me "how are you" and I find I can't answer that question because I'm not in touch with ALL of my feelings. A few days ago I printed off an extensive list of feelings. So when he asks I can read over the list and determine which words best describe how I'm feeling.

The other night I was talking to this guy at our house and my mood dropped. I sat down with my feelings list and realized I was INSULTED by something he said. By identifying the accurate feeling I was able to discuss it and let it go.


----------



## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Still happens to me too.
> 
> As recently as night before last.
> 
> And, it was RAGE.


Care to talk about it?


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I would be interested also. Is he a potential date, just a friends?


----------



## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I experienced rage just this morning.
I wrote about it in my thread, but I'll write what I wrote in here too.

"I was holding a curtain rod and I saw this man walk by me. He was pushing a stroller with a beautiful baby boy in it and he was walking to the other side of the aisle to meet with who I assume to be his woman. She was obviously expecting. He talked all lovey dovey to her and rubbed her belly.

I thought about what I was going through, how I am being treated, and my face to face talk with my stbxh.

The curtain rod I was holding? I bent that mother****er in half."


I don't think I know how to cope with it, but I do know it felt better than feeling crippling heartbreak at the time.


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I feel terrible for you. Anger is certainly part of grieving.


----------



## shakeitout (Jul 31, 2012)

Yeah, the rage does just hit you unexpectedly sometimes, doesn't it? I was looking through my photos on Facebook earlier and came across wedding photos. Full blown rage. I ended up deleting that album. Overall though today was more of an emotional day for me. I had to lock myself in the bathroom twice to hide my tears from the kids.  He's coming over tomorrow to start the "who gets what" process and I'm going to talk to a lawyer next week. All this feels like a nightmare I wish I could wake up from.


----------

