# Now what???



## buddy12 (Jul 1, 2012)

I'm contemplating divorce from my wife of 5 yrs. I am 30 y.o.. The beginning of our relationship was something out of fairy tale legend (according to not just us but everyone who knew us), and I cannot believe this is where we are now. 

I make a good living and she has not worked in 4 yrs. We do not have children. I inspired and encouraged her to go back to school and find a career that would make her happy. She did and is in a masters program that never would have been possible (in her own mind) without my support, as she comes from a family that does not encourage education. She is in the second year of a 2 year medical program that requires her to live away for an entire year in different cities across the country.

I went to visit her 9 days ago and when she fell asleep I used her computer to check my personal email, accts, etc. and when I went to facebook her profile was auto logged in. At first I refused to look at her messages but there have been a couple things in the past that aroused my suspicion of infidelity so I gave in. I found a message from her to a class-mate 7 mos ago saying she couldn't wait to f*** him and love him the next day. I woke her up and confronted her about it. At first she tried to deny it but obviously that was ridiculous. She admitted to sleeping with him twice which I translate as at least 10 times. Then she told me she has been having a phone and email relationship with a different guy she met at a meeting for 3 mos. 

I left her apt almost immediately, slept in the airport, and came home. I am miserable! I cannot stop picturing her with the other guy. To make it worse the guy in her class she slept with is someone that has a pattern of dysfunctional behavior that everyone eventually quit talking to. There were so many warning signs that I would confront her on but she gave me this guilt trip for being insecure or controlling. I realize now that she did that intentionally so I wouldn't confront her. The crazy thing is all of the things that I was suspicious of were actually right!

I don't understand how she can live this double life. For the most part in the mos after the affairs she seemed 'normal' and happy when we were together. She turned into a different person at some point and it is killing me to figure out how/when. 

Before I left her apt she said she was 'sorry.' One word spoken very matter of factly. I have had very little contact with her since. I'm stuck in our home with constant reminders of our life together and she is far away putting it out of her mind and moving on with this other guy. 

I've read many posts on this site and have been cheated on in a prior long-term relationship which was also very hard. I honestly think you can divide people into 2 defining categories: the cheaters and the faithful. I am part of the latter and cannot comprehend or understand the former. (sorry for rambling on)


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If not for kids, many of the betrayed spouses here would not try to reconcile, just move to divorce. It's much easier to divorce now than after you acquire more assets, invest more time, have kids.

*Before I left her apt she said she was 'sorry.' One word spoken very matter of factly. I have had very little contact with her since. I'm stuck in our home with constant reminders of our life together and she is far away putting it out of her mind and moving on with this other guy.* 

Have you communicated at all with your wife since you left her and returned home 9 days ago? 

Just a "sorry" from her before you left and she didn't even try to contact you after that? 

Are you still paying for everything?

I would see a lawyer and get advice on separating finances and proceed for the time being as if you might be divorcing.

I would stop paying for your wife to cheat on you. If you are paying for her phone, internet, etc., I would cut those off.


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## buddy12 (Jul 1, 2012)

I transferred all money into an account with only my name. At this time she cannot touch it. She has student loan money which is surprisingly substantial to live off of this next year. When I left she told me she only wanted her car (which I pay for and costs twice my own). I doubt that she was sincere and will try for more. 

As far as her 'apology' that's pretty much all I got. I talked to her on the phone for 20 min a few days later and let her have it which was gratifying but I think she felt guilty enough to want that. 

Oh...the craziest f****** thing happened before I talked to her. I left a message on the voicemale of the guy she has been talking/emailing and told him what I thought of him (he knew she was married she told me). He texted me back saying he would talk if I would be calm!!! WTF!!! Then he told me he'd been in my position and wanted to help me! My head almost exploded. When she called me shortly after I told her to tell her crazy boyfriend to leave me the f*** alone.

Also I emailed her 3 days later and told her it wasn't fair how much easier it would be for her to move on and be happy. She said she wasn't happy and cried everyday. I don't believe her.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Did you ask her, or did she tell you, why she cheated on you with (at least) two different guys?

*The beginning of our relationship was something out of fairy tale legend (according to not just us but everyone who knew us),*

*She said she wasn't happy and cried everyday. I don't believe her. *

It's not surprising to me that she would be upset about the possible end of your marriage. It's the biggest commitment we make and no one wants to be a failure at it. The fact that yours was some type of fairy tale romance that everyone envied has to be especially hard to end.

I find it odd that the two of you haven't talked more since you found out about the affairs. I also find it odd that she didn't blame you for them. And that you haven't asked her why she's done it/doing it. 

It sounds like she has no desire to reconcile with you whatsoever and wants to divorce you and get on with her life with other man. Is that what she wants? What do you want?


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## buddy12 (Jul 1, 2012)

I told her when I was leaving her apt that I wanted a divorce. I figured in the heat of the moment that's pretty standard response. As I see it there are 3 reasons why she has not reached out to me more. 
1. She saw how mad I was (and then heard how mad I was talking on the phone a few days later) and she wants me to cool down and start to miss her
2. She took my declaration to divorce as a final decision
3. She has no remorse and wants to move forward with this other guy (or not)

I think it's the last reason which means she is the most selfish person I know and has no regard for my feelings.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

There might be more men.. No kids, right?

Also keep the car. she was using you for the financial stability.

And see if you can get anymore info from this guy. He did not cheat on you. Your wife did. You have nothing to lose talking to him. She could well have told him that you were separated.


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## buddy12 (Jul 1, 2012)

I know a divorce is the best thing for my distant future emotional and mental health. I think things are still too raw for me to say right now that is my final decision. A lot of the time I just wish we could get back together but it would never work unless she gave up her education to come back. She won't...not in a million years.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Don't even think about reconciling if she won't beg for it.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Get tested for STDs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## buddy12 (Jul 1, 2012)

Hey Warlock. We don't have kids. I really don't give a damn about the car. She will make a pretty good living when she graduates next May and I shouldn't have to cover anything then. 

I don't totally blame the guy for this. I know it's 90% her, but he did know she was married. The fact that he wanted to 'help me' assures me that he is just as nuts as she is. 

I think I would be a serious chump for taking her back without her begging for it and probably couldn't do it then. I hate her for not begging.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Are you interested in reconciliation? Is she? These are the basic "now what" questions that need to be answered. If there is no desire to reconcile, then you have already been given some good advice. Go see an attorney, figure out what your rights and responsibilities are when it comes to a divorce. Protect your personal assets, and stop supporting her financially.

If you want to reconcile, you must find out what her feelings on the matter are. She didnt have to tell you about her relationship with the guy she is seeing right now. She did that for a reason. There is enough there to have a slight chance at making it through. Reconciliation takes two willing participants, and in most cases, is quite a bit more difficult than getting divorced.

edit: As far as begging for reconciliation goes, in order for her to get to that point she will need to be out of the fog. The stress of her education, especially coming from a family that does not believe in education, combined with the potent draw of an affair relationship, has most likely planted her firmly in lala land. Obviously some underlying mental health issues as well, since the affair partner she attracted/is attracted to is "dysfunctional." Pretty common for dysfunctional people to gravitate toward one another. Anyhow, there it is in a nut shell. She cant beg for reconciliation or forgiveness until she snaps out of the fog, and that is going to take some major doing on your part, if you even care to try that is.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Call her up and have a talk with her and try to stay calm.

Ask her what she wants to do about your marriage.

Ask her whatever else you want to know, like why she did it, how long ago did she first cheat, why didn't she just tell you if she was unhappy, etc.

Based on her answers, take some time and decide what you want to do.

Proceed from there.


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## buddy12 (Jul 1, 2012)

Paladin you make a valid point about her divulging the other relationship. My question is if she wanted to reconcile why wouldn't she say so or ask for forgiveness? She knows the pain I am going through.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

See my edit above


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## buddy12 (Jul 1, 2012)

your edit answers my questions


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I agree with warlock.
Take the car , let the OM get her one. Do not take her back unless she begs you for it.
Cut your losses and move on. She will get what's coming to her.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

she hasnt begged for your forgiveness, and you have been the one reaching out to her? Start the D and have her served, she betrayed you and doesnt even feel remorseful about her actions. Talk to the guy for more clarity, don't just go off your lying wifes story, maybe he didnt know she was married


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## buddy12 (Jul 1, 2012)

I don't want to talk to the guy. If he didn't know she was married he knows now. It still doesn't change what she did. I revealed in my texts with him that she had another affair so he cannot pretend to be that special. I am haunted enough with the thought of her communications with him, I don't need to know the details.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Your anger should be directed at your wife, she's the one who made vows to you and she's the one who didn't keep her promises. Besides she's a serial cheater, they don't usually change


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Bud---your beef is with your wife, and her only---the other guys are just her partners, yes they are scum, but they have no responsibility to you.

at any and all times, she knew exactly what she was doing and could have stopped the adultery---SHE DIDN'T

IMHO---she will always do this to you, as she seems to have no boundaries, if she wants a physical relationship---she goes ahead and has it, with no regard to the fact that she is married

I am sure you saw each other numerous times during her stay at school, and had sex, and that should have satisfied her physical needs

She is a student in a program that demands most of her time to be studying---yet she is off screwing around with at least 2 guys that you know of

She has not tried to call you, again and again, and again---as would a wife who truly wanted to keep their mge., going---a remourseful wife, who wanted her mge, would be moving heaven and earth to get you to come back---she is not---she has moved on---TIME FOR YOU TO MOVE ON


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

The fact she hasn't begged you for forgiveness or even attempted reconciliation suggests she's pretty much emotionally attached to one of the men she's cheating with or she's checked out of the marriage. Losing you isn't that big of a problem. Where you go from here is up to you but like others have said, you don't have kids, she's not really crazy about amending things.....there's very little incentive to stay to be honest.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

buddy12 said:


> I'm contemplating divorce from my wife of 5 yrs. I am 30 y.o.. The beginning of our relationship was something out of fairy tale legend (according to not just us but everyone who knew us), and I cannot believe this is where we are now.
> 
> I make a good living and she has not worked in 4 yrs. We do not have children. I inspired and encouraged her to go back to school and find a career that would make her happy. She did and is in a masters program that never would have been possible (in her own mind) without my support, as she comes from a family that does not encourage education. She is in the second year of a 2 year medical program that requires her to live away for an entire year in different cities across the country.
> 
> ...


Sorry buddy you are here. I think the "phone and email relationship with a different guy" was just to divert your attention from the main problem. I guess you do not have any chance for R, as she is not at all remorseful. If she had any feelings for you, she would have come running right after you left her, and begged for forgiveness.

The open Facebook page may not be a mistake. It may be her way of letting you know what is happening. 

It seems, women now-a-days are very different (Maybe that goes for men too). A separation of just few months, and they start looking for someone for emotional and physical requirements. I recently saw a movie in which a very old Japanese teacher and his sweetheart from college days marry after staying unmarried for 40 years. That's an extreme, but today we cannot remain faithful just after a gap for a few months. We need fast food, fast marriage and fast Divorce.

After reading a lot of similar posts on this site (I joined recently), and also from my own sad experience, I am affraid that tomorrow's world might be an open society, based on open marriages, like stone age.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

A remorseful wife would have been wearing out your phone battery daily. 

You got skunked brother, that's all there is to it. You can bet you have been nothing more than a meal ticket to her your entire marriage. These two chumps are not her first affairs. If she is that detached from you then she has been doing this for a long time. 

You are young and have a future ahead of you. Get the quickest divorce you can, get some counseling to help you with the emotional turmoil you are going through and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

If she can move on without you so easily why cant you do the same? If its because of the love for your wife then its time to realize one thing that wife is dead, the women who cheated is no more your soul mate wife.

This may have been her exit A, so she is completely detached from you emotionally, don't persuade her into the marriage she ruined, l_et her go_. that will be the best for you in long run.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> If she can move on without you so easily why cant you do the same? *
> because OP wasnt being a loose skank, and was attached to his SO* If its because of the love for your wife then its time to realize one thing that wife is dead, the women who cheated is no more your soul mate wife.
> 
> This may have been her exit A, so she is completely detached from you emotionally, don't persuade her into the marriage she ruined, l_et her go_. that will be the best for you in long run.


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

Do the two of you own a home together (is both of your names on the mortgage)? 
If yes, contact an attorney soon and find out what your rights are. She may be saying she only wants the car but in time she may change her mind... especially after she is done with school and her huge student loan payments start rolling in.

I'm sorry you're here.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Buddy12,

I feel your pain. Worst thing to happen to anyone.

She has no remorse, and she willfully cheated. Why should you stay with her?

Did you not find red flags during the time she was away from you?
Could you expose her affair to her family?


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## buddy12 (Jul 1, 2012)

I told her mother because I knew she wouldn't. They don't have the best relationship. Her mom freaked on her at first but I think has cooled off by now. Wife told me that her dad (step) and some friends know of the guy she has been talking to. 

She is a heartless b**ch, and I know I have to move on but it is not going to be easy. I know most in my position feel this way but so much has been invested in her and our future. At this point I can't plan for the day after tomorrow 

I thank everyone for the input


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

You know Buddy, better off you know now and not 20 years from now.

And yes, you did get used. Sh*t happens! We have all been there.

Since she is not remorseful I think your best bet is to see an attorney and find our your rights about your assets, home and cars.

If it is your car do not leave it with her. Get rid of your older car to cover the legal fees and you keep the new one.

If she has been living away from you for so long and not working she really has not contributed too much to the marriage.

So if you feel like moving on, do it and do it quickly!

And if you want to R, file anyway because you can always stop your D. This might show her how serious you are.

Do not sit around moping, strike while the iron is hot.

Sorry for your troubles Buddy....

HM64


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If you have a spare key to the car just go with a friend and drive to a secure spot.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Read the 180. It should help you move on. Do you have friends or support structure you can talk to?


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## buddy12 (Jul 1, 2012)

While her infidelity has been going on for several months she has only lived away for 6 weeks. She is 2000 mi away now and for her other two clinical sites throughout the next 11 months. 

I am the only one on the deed to the house and titles of both cars. Actually a horrible bit of irony is that we have been trying to get her name on the title of the car because where she lives will not allow her a parking permit without being on the title. The paperwork is in processing and it's too late to reverse it...I tried. I know what you may be thinking but she was not scamming me on that one because I talked to the parking authority where she is and they told me that was the only way to do it. It doesn't matter whose name is officially on the titles. I looked into our state law and it is no-fault and marital misconduct has no bearing on the courts decision when it comes to property.

I will read about the 180.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

buddy12 said:


> I looked into our state law and it is no-fault and marital misconduct has no bearing on the courts decision when it comes to property.


How about the $$ you brought into the marriage? Can't you get the car back or more of the assets, because you funded some(all?) of them?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

A fairy tail romance:-

In which the handsome prince discovers that the beautiful princess he married is, in fact, a man-devouring monster. 

The handsome prince escaped with his life and lived happily ever after. 

The End.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> A fairy tail romance:-
> 
> In which the handsome prince discovers that the beautiful princess he married is, in fact, a man-devouring monster.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Just the hard experience from this will be the greatest gift to him.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Buddy, be thankful that you didn't have kids with this woman. I have custody of my teenage son and daughter and have to see my lying cheating ex at least once a week. In your case, you never have to see her adulterous face ever again. Be very grateful for that. Good luck.


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## buddy12 (Jul 1, 2012)

Been awhile since I posted. I am still up and down a lot but feel like I am moving into the ANGER stage! Here's what I'm struggling with at this point. I know the PA is 90% her fault, as the OM was a single male. BUT he met me (us) long before their affair began so knew she was married. I have visions of doing very bad things to him on video and sending them to her. I know legally that would be risky and stupid, so my rational mind is overcoming. But the question is how much of my RAGE does he deserve?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

buddy12 said:


> Been awhile since I posted. I am still up and down a lot but feel like I am moving into the ANGER stage! Here's what I'm struggling with at this point. I know the PA is 90% her fault, as the OM was a single male. BUT he met me (us) long before their affair began so knew she was married. I have visions of doing very bad things to him on video and sending them to her. I know legally that would be risky and stupid, so my rational mind is overcoming. But the question is how much of my RAGE does he deserve?


How much? None, really.

However, you can use him to play with her mind. Take up his offer to 'help' you get through this. And record the conversations. It might be very illuminating, what you find out.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

None.

He is a POS and should be left with your POS spouse.

Use your anger towards positive actions on dealing with your divorce. If you can't harness the anger/energy in a productive manner, get a gym membership.


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## buddy12 (Jul 1, 2012)

Sadly I have to point out the guy I KNOW she had a PA with was the guy in her class. That is the person I keep envisioning humiliating in front of her. The guy who wanted to 'help me' was another who she had an EA with and who I suspect she is beginning a real relationship with now that we are separated. He also knew she was married.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

If it were me, I would go get the car that you pay for and bring it back to where you are. You pay for it... Make the judge make you give it back... That will several months down the road, and her life will be a bit more painful. OM can give her rides
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

you want to humilate your wife, who is actually the one humilating you sleeping with OM. Like CC said, get your car back you pay for, stop allowing her to humilate you any further


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## buddy12 (Jul 1, 2012)

I would get the car, but I really can't logically do it. It is 2,500 miles away. Even if I were to fly there and drive it back it would take 3 days non-stop driving. I can't and don't want to use my time off for that. I guess I am an idiot for getting her that car. Even though she already had a nice car, a new one made her happy, so I bought it. BTW, the car would just remind me of her.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

do you pay for the car? either stop paying, or send your wife a letter requesting the car back. Then after you send the letter, report the car stolen.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

At least cut the auto insurance off, and let her pay for the license, 

It is obvious, that she doesn't wanna R, cuz you have been talking to us for 7 or 8 days now, and she isn't burning the phone/computer/texting, up to get you to stay----but then again you knew where she was, when she told you she was going at it with 2 different guys---(matters not What SHE WAS DOING) It just matters that she had taken other men to herself, in preferance to you

Do not waste one second of your time, thinking about any of them, and that includes your wife---she has her school, and her lovers, so as far as she is concerned, she has moved on

It is just so hard in this day and age, for a mge., to withstand, its spouses being apart, for any length of time-----morals/boundaries, they don't exist to many!!!!!


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You are only 30 and no kids, why you didn't given her the D papers?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If his name is on the title he would be liable for damages if he stopped paying for the insurance. No?

If the car isn't paid for he could quit making payments, have it repoed but that would affect his credit rating. He needs to talk to a lawyer about it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Buddy,
You said in your first post that you are " young and make a good living.."
You also said that for the years the both of you have been married,she was unemployed for the greater part. You encouraged her to go back to school etc. You supported her to the extent of purchasing a car for her.
And this is how she thanks you.

Buddy, you are just 30 yrs wit no children.
Count your lucky stars,sign the papers and move on!
Plenty more fishes in the sea.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Buddy - if she's racking up student loan debt make sure you aren't stuck with 50% of it when you divorce her.

You're in emotional turmoil here, but you need to also be acting swiftly to protect yourself and your finances.


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## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

still, take revenge, fly and take the car and make her suffer, bring the car and sale it and buy some nice pimping car.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

buddy12 said:


> Paladin you make a valid point about her divulging the other relationship. My question is if she wanted to reconcile why wouldn't she say so or ask for forgiveness? She knows the pain I am going through.


My advice is to proceed with the divorce speedily. UNLESS she shows genuine remorse and literally begs you to take her back, I wouldn't call her except to discuss terms of the divorce. She is in the fog and does not care.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

buddy12 said:


> I would get the car, but I really can't logically do it. It is 2,500 miles away. Even if I were to fly there and drive it back it would take 3 days non-stop driving. I can't and don't want to use my time off for that. I guess I am an idiot for getting her that car. Even though she already had a nice car, a new one made her happy, so I bought it. BTW, the car would just remind me of her.


That's why they have car transportation services, you pay someone to ship the car to you.
If you want to f'k her world up, take the car & sell it, that's going to get your point across very nicely.
And stop focusing on the OM(s), they have nothing to do with your marriage, they are not responsible for the sh*t storm your WW created.
Shift your focus where it needs to be, on getting a D & away from your unremorseful wife.
Go ahead & be angry, just make sure your anger is pointed in the right direction.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Buddy - if she's racking up student loan debt make sure you aren't stuck with 50% of it when you divorce her.
> 
> You're in emotional turmoil here, but you need to also be acting swiftly to protect yourself and your finances.



And if you're stuck with it, make sure you put a claim on her future earnings since you invested in it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Buddy - if she's racking up student loan debt make sure you aren't stuck with 50% of it when you divorce her.
> 
> You're in emotional turmoil here, but you need to also be acting swiftly to protect yourself and your finances.




:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Sounds to me like she's capable of _*anything*_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> That's why they have car transportation services, you pay someone to ship the car to you.
> If you want to f'k her world up, take the car & sell it, that's going to get your point across very nicely.
> And stop focusing on the OM(s), they have nothing to do with your marriage, they are not responsible for the sh*t storm your WW created.
> Shift your focus where it needs to be, on getting a D & away from your unremorseful wife.
> Go ahead & be angry, just make sure your anger is pointed in the right direction.


Well if her name is on the title or his name is on the title he can sell it. But if his name and her name is on the title he will have to have her permission to sell. But if someone goes and gets the car and brings it home, possession is 9/10th's of the law. If it is parked at home and she is not using it. since your name is on the title she can't say the car was stolen. 
But cut her off totally you need to try and get the loan turned over to her. if you can't you need to get that damn car before she sells it buys a cheaper car for trade in and leaves you with a car note you can't get rid of. IT is time to cut ties and figure out what you want.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

badbane said:


> Well if her name is on the title or his name is on the title he can sell it. But if his name and her name is on the title he will have to have her permission to sell. But if someone goes and gets the car and brings it home, possession is 9/10th's of the law. If it is parked at home and she is not using it. since your name is on the title she can't say the car was stolen.
> But cut her off totally you need to try and get the loan turned over to her. if you can't you need to get that damn car before she sells it buys a cheaper car for trade in and leaves you with a car note you can't get rid of. IT is time to cut ties and figure out what you want.


He already stated the car is in his name only, the process to put her name on the title is in the works & it's too late to stop that now.
Since the process isn't complete, now is the time to regain the car.


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