# Lost in limbo



## Kutkh (Dec 22, 2014)

Hello all. New to the boards and was hoping for different perspectives and help on what exactly to do here. 

There's a lot going on here so I'll try to condense it so there's not too big of a wall of text.

My girlfriend and I were together for 7 years. I'm the only father figure her teenagers girls know. We split up a few months back and she moved into her mothers basement. She shares the basement with the youngest child who has a separate room down there. I continued to stay in contact with the girls. After a few weeks she started talking to me again. For the past 5 months we have had an on and off sexual relationship. She refuses to commit because she says she doesn't feel like she can be an equal partner to anyone. She cannot work anymore due to a very bad medical condition. 

She doesn't talk to me much anymore unless she wants me to come over which is about 4 or 5 times a week. Then she asks me to bring food over or wine. She will text me if one of the girls needs picked up and she can't do it because of her health that day. If she needs to go to the hospital. Basically anything that she can't do herself. I'm the only person she can rely on to help her. 

So yesterday she reveals to me that she is going to start "playing" because she's single. I tell her I'm not comfortable with that when she has me helping her out at every turn and already has a sexual relationship with me. She then starts saying that if I can't make peace with that then maybe we shouldn't be seeing each other. I found out through snooping around that she put up a profile on ******* looking for new friends and that there is a swinger couple that is a friend of a friend that she is debating on being the "Girlfriend" to the husband. Due to her own jealousy and not willing to share nature I don't know if that will actually happen.

She has anger issues. Trust issues. Mood issues. All sorts of little issues. She claims she doesn't feel human anymore and doesn't feel anything romantic at all for anyone. She has really gotten into reading gay manga and says that those relationships portrayed there are the only time she gets goosebumps anymore. 

In my head I know that I can't continue on like this. In my head I'm starting to feel like I'm being used and played. It's starting to feel like she says these things just to see if I will back down. 

What also upsets me is that on her profile she claims that she has been the only person raising those kids since they were born. If that was true why do they call me dad? A close mutual friend says that she thinks my ex lies so much that she doesn't realize that she's lying and believes it to be true. She has also said countless times that there is a deep mood disorder going on and a lot of depression. I have no idea about any of it. I just know that I feel really lost in my own life at this point and no direction on how to do things anymore. I know that our relationship can't be again as things are,as much as I would like it to be. If it can ever be again at all.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

She's not relatibonship material, sorry to say. At least not in the traditional sense. She enjoys being single living rent-free in her mothers basement, having others (you) do her chores for her, bring her food and wine at her convenience. She wants to play the field.and she uses her medical condition as an excuse not to commit to you. 

Putting ads on swinger websites? I guess she isnt feeling too bad is she? I would change my phone number and lose hers.

if there is any way to salvage your relationship with the teenagers then God bless you. That would only be because of your goodwill and not any obligation.

Good luck man!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

there is one easy way to fix this, walk away for a while, a couple months or so and see what happens, either she will come to realize that she needs you and if that is the case then you and is willing to make a commitment or she will not need you and you will have to face the reality of the situation that you can not be part of the girls life. perhaps in this period of quietness between you two that you can start to slowly date someone who is emotionally and physically available to you. Her self-esteem issues will lead her down a path she will regret and you need to stand strong, even if the girls call you.


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## Kutkh (Dec 22, 2014)

She claims she really wants to be able to fall in love again and be committed to one person. We've had multiple conversations now where she is feeling upset that she can't seem to feel emotions anymore at all. Up until this illness she was always a dancer and an instructor. Since the illness she is no longer able to move well enough a lot of days to do so. For the last two years of our relationship I was the sole provider. 

I thought about walking away for a bit and taking some space to myself. When I did ,only a couple of days had went by and she was calling me wanting me to come over. I wasn't strong enough to resist.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

That just sounds like something she read in a bad paperback -"I want to be able to fall in love again" 

no, she just wants you at her beck and call. She wants you on her schedule, at her convenience.

Not a way to live, my friend.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Kutkh said:


> She claims she really wants to be able to fall in love again and be committed to one person. We've had multiple conversations now where she is feeling upset that she can't seem to feel emotions anymore at all. Up until this illness she was always a dancer and an instructor. Since the illness she is no longer able to move well enough a lot of days to do so. For the last two years of our relationship I was the sole provider.
> 
> I thought about walking away for a bit and taking some space to myself. When I did ,only a couple of days had went by and she was calling me wanting me to come over. I wasn't strong enough to resist.


i'm sure you realize that your relationship couldn't continue indefinitely as it was recently structured. change was inevitable. i seriously doubt that a long term happy future is possible with this woman. i would start the process of putting more distance between you and her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What does the future of her illness look like? Is it going to get worse?

She's showing who she really is by her actions.


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## Kutkh (Dec 22, 2014)

Her illness is a progressive disease. They believe she has Parkinson's disease. Over a period of time she will no longer be able to walk. 

In all honesty,I've thought that numerous times recently. Like a lot of things she says are things you would find in a book or movie. Which makes sense to an extent. She has a far fetched idea of what love and romance are. She wants a romance like Morticia and Gomez. Where they ache when they aren't together.

As things are there is no way a relationship with her can work. I know that without question. Right now,there is no way I can trust her. If ever. I just don't know how to be strong enough to resist the temptation to run to her when she needs help. How not to feel such a strong pull to her. My mind knows what has to be done. My heart though? That's a totally different story. It can't resist her.


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## Kutkh (Dec 22, 2014)

I've tried talking to her about getting some counseling. She has a lot of problems. Her mom basically runs her life. She lost her virginity because her mom told her what guy to give it to. She went on to marry him and also the father of the kids. He's never around. He cheated on her consistently in the military. Her mom made her start performing when she was 5 years old and she performed all the way up until her illness started getting bad. She's 34 and I'm 36. She recently cashed in her stocks at her old job and her old job and her mother had her spend all of it on a brand new car.

I've thought that too. I've got my own issues that I am in well recognition of. I'm really paranoid,low self esteem,family issues,I have a great need to take care of people that I tend to put their needs above my own. I'm a hot mess


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

By putting up with her doing this, you make yourself even more unattractive to her.

Look up the 180 here and get the book Married Man Sex Life primer. It will explain what happened to her attraction for you and how you might get it back.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Take yourself out of the situation, by blocking her number,not answering, and create plans for yourself to stay busy. Just think about her using you, and you getting nothing, and I mean close to nothing in return. She is using sex to pay you off. Don't try and fix her issues, they are hers and hes alone. You have to make yourself a priority , because your life is not revolving around your needs, but hers.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, it sounds like you both need a lot of work before you're healthy enough for a successful marriage. I'd tell her that you're not interested in being a babysitter and driver, so good luck with her search. Then block her number and contact means. She's got her mom for support, however unhealthy that is.

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw... Spend the time and money you're not spending on her fixing yourself. You're a significant part of the problem in this dynamic. 

C


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Read up on the 180. 

You are not married to her.

She is on sites looking for someone else.

Time to move on and get her out of your life.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Kutkh said:


> I've thought that too. I've got my own issues that I am in well recognition of. I'm really paranoid,low self esteem,family issues,I have a great need to take care of people that I tend to put their needs above my own. I'm a hot mess


If you feel the need to save somebody save yourself. These issues you have will affect every relationship you have, and unless you deal with them and resolve them, you will always be that guy who chases after messy women trying to save them. 

Healthy relationships require emotionally healthy people. Anything less and you just keep digging your own hole deeper.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Kutkh said:


> Her illness is a progressive disease. They believe she has Parkinson's disease. Over a period of time she will no longer be able to walk.
> 
> In all honesty,I've thought that numerous times recently. Like a lot of things she says are things you would find in a book or movie. Which makes sense to an extent. She has a far fetched idea of what love and romance are. She wants a romance like Morticia and Gomez. Where they ache when they aren't together.
> 
> As things are there is no way a relationship with her can work. I know that without question. Right now,there is no way I can trust her. If ever. I just don't know how to be strong enough to resist the temptation to run to her when she needs help. How not to feel such a strong pull to her. My mind knows what has to be done. My heart though? That's a totally different story. It can't resist her.


responding to the last paragraph in your post, you.....are......screwed. i've seen a few examples like this before, and in every instance but one, the heart won out over the mind. and in the one instance, a death made the decision for her. so i don't think i can even conclude that the heart really "lost".


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## Kutkh (Dec 22, 2014)

Sorry it's been a bit since I replied. I've just been doing a lot of thinking and gut wrenching. 

So a bit more to add here. I did find out she slept with this guy that's in the open relationship. She is really depressed now. Apparently, she stayed the night with him and the next morning he acted as though she was a broken toy and while she was in the room told his buddies about what they did and talked about his other girlfriend's while walking her to the door. She didn't tell me any of this. We have a mutual friend who told me that she confided in. This friend also said that she is trying to stay away from him now. We talked a bit a couple days ago and (she hasn't told me any of this) that she just has a lot to sort out and just needs space and let things mellow down for a bit. Which of course set me off in a rage telling her how I have been there for her every step of the way. How I have done more for her than anyone else. How I am the only person who has stood by her and not looked her as a concept or purely as a sexual desire. How that ,I of all people, should not be the one that she chooses to ignore while she talks to everyone else normally. It's not fair to me. Which of course made her mad as well. So now we are both upset with the other and not speaking. I deleted her from my facebook and made it private. Blocked her on my email. Removed her from tumblr. It's really tough. I so badly want to get ahold of her and apologize for it all even though I really don't feel like I'm at fault. I just really miss her but at the same time I can't keep doing this. I can't let her think she can go screw whoever she wants and keep me on the hook at the same time. So far I'm staying strong and thankfully Christmas break is over so I am back at work to occupy some of my time. I do constantly get the urge to get ahold of her and see how she's doing and it takes everything I have to not do so. I don't have enough to do around here to occupy me enough to not think about her.

To make matters worse I spent the holidays completely alone. My mother was supposed to text me when they were getting ready to celebrate Christmas and she didn't. She finally text me to say that she would text me to come over and eat that night. That didn't happen either. I texted some of my friends to tell them Merry Christmas and never got a response (and still haven't) which is ok I know people get busy. It just really sucked for the first time in years to be alone for 4 straight days on a holiday. On the upside my house has never been so clean and my dog hates that his fur is nicely brushed and he's been bathed everyday. 

I don't have insurance to get any kind of counseling and won't have for another year.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

can you try to simply keep this woman as only a friend that you're concerned about and care about (and perhaps an occasional **** buddy), or will you always need more than that if you're going to be around her?


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

I am so sorry to hear about your situation and end of relationships is tough on everyone but its part of life you need to pick your self up and get on with it. Only you can say what is acceptable in life for you 101 folks on the interweb whizzz will tell you lots but end of day it’s your life. As previous poster says look at it for what it is you broke up from a relationship that happened for a reason and this is where you are today you jump in bed now and again and run errands a great friend with benefits. You were not married and kids are not yours so you have no responsibility there she is moving her life on your still young plenty of time for a good marriage and family of your own.

So up to you live on scraps she wants to throw now and again or set out to cook a good meal, sorry if that sounds harsh but wake up boy decide move on or get back together not much else between it in life. No need to be nasty or any thing like that say hello if you meet in town and ask after the girls, just your working late or got a date so sorry can’t do that for you she will get picture and stop asking don’t waste your time on some thing going nowhere go put that energy into dating and finding someone you can build a life with believe you deserve that.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Hopefully this helps you get out of limbo now. If that hasn't then stick by what you believe in and don't settle. It's hard and it will take time but things will start looking different a few weeks from now as long as you stick with the no contact.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

You are doing yourself such service... I've been stuck in limbo almost 4 yrs...it's a terrible place to live! 

~sammy


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Didn't read mmslp did you? Did you join a gym, lift weights? Have you been reading other threads and found how men navigated these waters.

You keep showing her the qualities in a man no woman wants,.needy, weak, smothering. Without her you need to get a life,.you can make someone the center of your universe. Even kids leave and it doesn't take as long as you think.


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