# Girlfriend chats from time to time with ex



## leo88 (Aug 21, 2021)

So, I'm in a relationship with this girl for 5 years and I am about to propose to her, next month. 

Under some circumstances, I discovered that she is sporadically chatting with an ex on Facebook. They chat rarely, and the topics are... Happy aniversary(I think that was the date they got together) , or "are you now in the mood of watching falling stars?", because it s that time of the year of falling stars. This last discussion was initiated by her. So there is not much in their discussion, but enough to make me think that they are not totally over their relationship.

What I know about their relationship is that it wasn't a healthy one, she was still in shock from a previous relationship and that he tried to be really supportive. What I know about him is that he'll always be available for her if she would need it. Their relationship ended like 7 years ago, as far as I know. 

Should I be worried, should I confront her, or is this maybe some time to time fun chat? I consider us having a happy relationship, we have future plans and all.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ask her why she is staying in contact with him. Then ask her if she intends to stay in contact with him for the rest of her life.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s a really huge red flag. I believe that if you filled her heart, there wouldn’t be any room for him and therefore no need to contact him. She still needs him on the hook, although she’s caught you. Why is that?

My boundary is no exes in the relationship.
To be truthful, I still held room for my ex fiancée in my mind when I married my second short term wife. We divorced in less than a year, and that was part of the reason. Don’t marry her. She is not all in.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> *It’s a really huge red flag.* I believe that if you filled her heart, there wouldn’t be any room for him and therefore no need to contact him. She still needs him on the hook, although she’s caught you. Why is that?
> 
> My boundary is *no exes in the relationship.*
> To be truthful, I still held room for my ex fiancée in my mind when I married my second short term wife. We divorced in less than a year, and that was part of the reason. Don’t marry her. She is not all in.


This 👆


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

The question I would ask is why didn't they stay together. That might get you some more insight as to if both of them knew they weren't compatible long term or if one of them carries a torch for the other. That's what you have to watch out for, if one of them is waiting for another opportunity. 

"Why didn't you and Fred work out? I know you think a lot of him, so I was just curious. "

Her answer may be that he wanted a romantic relationship with her but she wasn't interested that way and just wanted to be friends. Her answer might be that he didn't want a real relationship at the time (indicating she did but he wasn't that interested). I mean, you always have to consider that if they BOTH wanted to be with each other, they would be, right? 

So then you weigh that and ask whether she is the vulnerable type who, after an argument or while drinking, might be more vulnerable to him if he is interested in her still, even if she wasn't interested in him romantically when she had the opportunity. 

You judge the best you can if he's acting like a vulture or keeping boundaries. Like a vulture will make up reasons to see an ex and it's pretty obvious. 

The big red flag would be if she was really interested in him but he has always kept her at arm's length and isn't interested romantically or "not interested in a relationship right now" but that gave her hope he might be in the future (false hope).

Then maybe you'll have more to go on. Of course, if there's any hankypanky in their texts and communications, that's obviously bad.


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## leo88 (Aug 21, 2021)

She told me quite a few things about them, as I remember, from the time we were just friends.... Their relationship ended because she was not ready for a new relationship at that time, being "recovering" from the previous relationship which was a pretty harsh one. Her term was something like "I was too screwed up at that time for a relationship with him". She was once joking with me saying that this guy will always be available for her, even if he will be married with three kids. 

Now, I don't want to destroy our relationship because of her chats with him, we have future plans, wanna have babies, buy a house and these sort of things. But on the other hand, I don't want to lose on the long run if these chats tend to turn to something more. At the moment it's impossible for them to develop this, to meet or anything like this because he works abroad AFAIK.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Leo you wrote,

*"I was too screwed up at that time for a relationship with him". She was once joking with me saying that this guy will always be available for her, even if he will be married with three kids.*

Make absolutely sure you set any contact with this OM as reason to break up or divorce.

That statement while said as a joke, has some serious amounts of truth in it.

So make absolutely sure she is really into you and wants you and wants you more than she wants OM.

Perhaps flat out ask her does she still love OM?

Don't be like some of us who after 30 or 40 years are still dealing with the fantasy of the OM and were always the plan B guy for our wives, although we didn't knot it until too late in life.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, it's nothing to be concerned about. We both stay in touch with past friends and lovers. Their topics are innocuous and they communicate seldom. You can periodically monitor if you wish, but there seems little point in making this an issue unless there is more going on or develops later.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

leo88 said:


> She told me quite a few things about them, as I remember, from the time we were just friends.... Their relationship ended because she was not ready for a new relationship at that time, being "recovering" from the previous relationship which was a pretty harsh one. Her term was something like "I was too screwed up at that time for a relationship with him".* She was once joking with me saying that this guy will always be available for her, even if he will be married with three kids.*
> 
> Now, I don't want to destroy our relationship because of her chats with him, we have future plans, wanna have babies, buy a house and these sort of things. But on the other hand, I don't want to lose on the long run if these chats tend to turn to something more. At the moment it's impossible for them to develop this, to meet or anything like this because he works abroad AFAIK.


Have you ever heard there’s often some truth in things said in jest?
Sounds like she’s thought about whether or not he’s be available to her, and she doesn’t have a problem with leaving for him if she had three kids and a husband. Or him her. 

you May think I’m really making a leap with that—- but they’re her words, not mine, and she’s the one STILL texting him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

leo88 said:


> She told me quite a few things about them, as I remember, from the time we were just friends.... Their relationship ended because she was not ready for a new relationship at that time, being "recovering" from the previous relationship which was a pretty harsh one. Her term was something like "I was too screwed up at that time for a relationship with him". She was once joking with me saying that this guy will always be available for her, even if he will be married with three kids.
> 
> Now, I don't want to destroy our relationship because of her chats with him, we have future plans, wanna have babies, buy a house and these sort of things. But on the other hand, I don't want to lose on the long run if these chats tend to turn to something more. At the moment it's impossible for them to develop this, to meet or anything like this because he works abroad AFAIK.


As a woman, I believe if she was really into this guy romantically, that she wouldn't have felt she was too screwed up to be in a relationship with him. I think she's probably flattered because he's hung in there and she probably needs a friend. 

Why don't you ask her this. Since that's the reason she gave, bring it up and tell her you remember her saying that she wasn't with him because she felt she was just too screwed up at the time for a relationship, then why then she didn't get together with him after she was back in the mood to be in a relationship. Because obviously she got in a relationship with you. There's more to it. 

Maybe you could just phrase it like, once you got in the mood to be in a relationship, why didn't you get together with him at that time? 

Is there some reason she feels she needs to support him since he's overseas? Like is he in the military or something?

You need to find out if he has a thing for her and you're just going to have to open up the conversation and ask her something like I suggested and then hope she keeps talking about it and try to find out if he has a thing for her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

leo88 said:


> So, I'm in a relationship with this girl for 5 years and I am about to propose to her, next month.
> 
> Under some circumstances, I discovered that she is sporadically chatting with an ex on Facebook. They chat rarely, and the topics are... Happy aniversary(I think that was the date they got together) , or "are you now in the mood of watching falling stars?", because it s that time of the year of falling stars. This last discussion was initiated by her. So there is not much in their discussion, but enough to make me think that they are not totally over their relationship.
> 
> ...


Yeah, don't propose yet.

I don't think it's a big deal talking to your ex every once and a while but reminiscing romantic times is a big red flag. They are an ex for a reason right?

What anniversary are they celebrating, I think that is very disrespectful to your relationship.

Way I see it even the best marriages require very serious committed people. Boundaries are important, I get it some people think that is over the top. Let someone else marry people who think that way.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> It’s a really huge red flag. I believe that if you filled her heart, there wouldn’t be any room for him and therefore no need to contact him. She still needs him on the hook, although she’s caught you. Why is that?
> 
> My boundary is no exes in the relationship.
> To be truthful, I still held room for my ex fiancée in my mind when I married my second short term wife. We divorced in less than a year, and that was part of the reason. Don’t marry her. She is not all in.


Thing with filling someones heart is that some folks have an emotional hole in theirs, so no one could fill it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

leo88 said:


> She told me quite a few things about them, as I remember, from the time we were just friends.... Their relationship ended because she was not ready for a new relationship at that time, being "recovering" from the previous relationship which was a pretty harsh one. Her term was something like "I was too screwed up at that time for a relationship with him". She was once joking with me saying that this guy will always be available for her, even if he will be married with three kids.
> 
> Now, I don't want to destroy our relationship because of her chats with him, we have future plans, wanna have babies, buy a house and these sort of things. But on the other hand, I don't want to lose on the long run if these chats tend to turn to something more. At the moment it's impossible for them to develop this, to meet or anything like this because he works abroad AFAIK.


What happens when he comes back, and she can have him any time she wants?

Lot of red flags there. Saying he will always be available even with kids? Again, what is she talking about? My first question would be why even go there with the cheating angle. Not a good sign. Means it's a part of her thought process. Why tell you?

Listen man, read some stories about guys who have kids 3 or 5 years old whose wives cheat. Guys with mortgages. Sometimes you don't get a choice if your marriage is destroyed.

Getting married is the most important decision almost everyone will make in their life, it shapes your entire future even if it doesn't work out.

It's like buying a car, if you do to the dealership desperate to get this car you want, you are going to be hosed. If you are patient and take your time, pick the best deal you will be better off in the long run.

Right now you may really like this girl, but she should very immature at the very least.

I have read these sites for years, the best advice I can give you about not getting cheated on is you have to be ruthless about boundaries and red flags.

Slow down.

If it were me I would straight up tell her that you really like her but some of her behavior causes you doubts.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"She was once joking with me saying that this guy will always be available for her, even if he will be married with three kids. "

No marriage needs clingons...


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i can only go on what way you tell the story , and it looks like she regrets braking up with this very nice guy , 
she seems to regret that she met him at the wrong time , that she likes to keep ass a friend , 
he will be there for her even if he has 3 kids , in what way she wants him there I can't say ,

she seems to feel it was her bad judgment that they broke up and that she has if she was not in a bad place he would be the ideal guy , might be better than you , 

I am sorry if I am putting bad ideas into your head , but i see it that part of you is thinking what if you had a fight one night , would she go to him for comfort , and just how comfortable would she get with him


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## leo88 (Aug 21, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> i can only go on what way you tell the story , and it looks like she regrets braking up with this very nice guy ,
> she seems to regret that she met him at the wrong time , that she likes to keep ass a friend ,
> he will be there for her even if he has 3 kids , in what way she wants him there I can't say ,
> 
> ...


This is exactly my thought... Though, she had other relations between him and me, they had the chance to get back together but they didn't. Why exactly? I don't know... He is very romantic from what I've understood at the time, when she was telling me about him. 

Now I think that the only thing that is left between them is the regret of not having a full relationship. I do also have these kind of regrets about girls I've dated but it was what it was at that time and that was it. I am more of a pragmatic guy, it's hard for me to understand the purpose of this kind of chit chat from time to time, especially with an ex.

Another hint... In their little chats he always tends to make the discussion sexual but she doesn't respond to it or it doesn't help escalate in that way... In any way, I consider it would be respectul for me to end for good such kind of discussion. 

The only thing that makes me think is if it's worth it to confront her about this. If I'm not making more damage than resolve something...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

leo88 said:


> Another hint... In their little chats he always tends to make the discussion sexual but she doesn't respond to it or it doesn't help escalate in that way... In any way, I consider it would be respectul for me to end for good such kind of discussion.
> 
> The only thing that makes me think is if it's worth it to confront her about this. If I'm not making more damage than resolve something...


So, HE is pushing the sexual comments but SHE IS NOT shutting him down about it. NOT responding is NOT TELLING him not to do it.
You are correct -- her continuing this, KNOWING that he makes these types of comments is VERY disrespectful to you.
She needs to understand that and TAKE ACTION (i.e. STOP chatting with him permanently). If she doesn't, that would be a huge red flag that this 'ex' is more important to her than your feelings.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

She has an ex she keeps in her life and still talks to him from time to time. She reaches out to him and he reaches out to her. She agrees that she can be with him whenever she wants so it's obviously not 100% platonic. Platonic would mean neither of them has any interest in the other. This guy tries to talk sexual with her and she doesn't shut him down, she allows it. In fact, she keeps talking to him. She could tell the guy she's not that kind of girl, she won't tolerate that sort of talk, or she could stop talking to him...but she doesn't. 

Here's my take, man. If you love her, hold off any ideas of marriage and babies for now. Tell her that you think her keeping in contact with this guy is disrespectful to you and your relationship and for the relationship to continue, she needs to cut off all contact with the guy. Then you will see where you stand in her eyes. Will she cut off contact with the guy to be with you or will she refuse? Will she argue and fight to keep him in her life? If she refuses to cut this guy off, then you know he is more important than you and you should bail on her. If she fights with you too much over it, then you know he is more important than you and you should bail. If she agrees to cut off contact with him, then you wait. Give it a good long while and make sure she doesn't just go underground with it and keep her chats with him hidden.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You two are nowhere near ready to be considering a proposal.

Take two steps back and then really re-assess what the heck is going on here.
Don’t project your feelings onto her. 

She’s the one who’s still fishing.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's hard to respect a person who strings another along. It isn't kind and is only done to feed the ego.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm always amazed when people write a post here - while a huge red flag is literally slapping them in the face - in order to ask if they're "being silly" to worry about something like this or not.

OP, she's kept that door open with this guy for a REASON.

You know it, I know it, and even my Pomeranian knows it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm always amazed when people write a post here - while a huge red flag is literally slapping them in the face - in order to ask if they're "being silly" to worry about something like this or not.
> 
> OP, she's kept that door open with this guy for a REASON.
> 
> You know it, I know it, and even my Pomeranian knows it.


Your Pomeranian is smarter than the average bear.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

leo88 said:


> This is exactly my thought... Though, she had other relations between him and me, they had the chance to get back together but they didn't. Why exactly? I don't know... He is very romantic from what I've understood at the time, when she was telling me about him.
> 
> Now I think that the only thing that is left between them is the regret of not having a full relationship. I do also have these kind of regrets about girls I've dated but it was what it was at that time and that was it. I am more of a pragmatic guy, it's hard for me to understand the purpose of this kind of chit chat from time to time, especially with an ex.
> 
> ...


@leo88 you're very smart and rational coming here to get advice rather than sticking your head in the sand!
Every marriage or relationship on this planet goes through a rough patch or boring periods, the question is what will happen if she wanted that butterfly feelings again when you hit a rough patch?! Will she start looking else where?! Or will she be more receptive with her Ex sexual advances?! Even if she cut him off now, will she reconnect with him later?!

I would advice you to go and read the infidelity section here on TAM, scroll through the pages and do the same with other relationship forums, one thing you will notice that if you have a *crack in your boundaries* you will be asking for it later in the future!

Thousand of devastating stories where men started their relationships with crazy romantic loving stories, not in a million years they thought their partners were capable of stepping out on them but they ended up getting cheated on with co-workers, Exs or ONS because no strong boundaries were set, these men didn't set strong boundaries because they were afraid being called controlling or jealous, *their fear was their downfall!*

Never negotiate or compromise on your boundaries!

Do your self a favour and go read for yourself and you will find what @sokillme said is %5000 correct!


sokillme said:


> I have read these sites for years, the best advice I can give you about not getting cheated on is you have to be *ruthless* about* boundaries* and *red flags*.


You also said:


leo88 said:


> The only thing that makes me think is if it's worth it to confront her about this. If I'm not making more damage than resolve something...


@leo88 you don't need to confront her, you can't control her, but you can control yourself, and plan for your life to be happy and respected. So think about the boundaries you want to set and simply tell her: *I am not going to be married to a women who has contact with her Ex or any Ex (nip that in the bud!)*

Other boundaries for example: No girls nights out to night clubs and bars (I have seen first hand the disaster that happens in GNO!)
You set you own boundaries!

If she tries to tell you she has it under control, or try to convince you that it's harmless or promise you that nothing is going to happen, or use the go to *weapon* that many women use that your being *controlling *and *jealous*, simply say: *No, you're free to do what you want, BUT I'm not going to be in a [relationship/marriage/getting married] with a woman that doesn't respect my boundaries!*
If she says then I'm leaving, tell her the door is right there! (you will know your value to her, her Ex is more important to her than you!)

I told my wife (she was my GF back then) no male friends (gay or not), no GNO, no drinking alone. no social media, and transparency with all our devices, she left and called me *jealous and controlling, *and broke up with me, I didn't care, she knew I had *options*, so she came back after three days trying to negotiate (about social media) but I didn't allow it, I told her if she wants my commitment she needs to respect my boundaries or she is free to leave, so at the end she accepted all my boundaries!

*Remember: Never negotiate or compromise on your boundaries.*

You control yourself, and lay down what you accept and don't accept, don't be afraid to protect yourself, trust me she will respect you more even if she gets pissed and angry for a few days!

You will find one thing in common when reading these stories, that men who are afraid to set boundaries are sending a clear message that their spouses are the only option they have and the best they can do (being a desperate and a thirsty man is not attractive!), they are the ones that get cheated on horribly (fear is weakness, and weakness is not attractive, it's the killer of any relationship)!

Read about many strong successful men why are they successful in their relationships, because they are *ruthless* about* boundaries* and *red flags*.
Never gamble or take risks in your relationship!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Kaliber said:


> No girls nights out to night clubs and bars (I have seen first hand the disaster that happens in GNO!)


She could be up to no good in a bowling alley, too. Or, a baby shower - or, or, or...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m just thinking out loud here.......
Ever notice how girlfriends like to dress really revealing and go out to restaurant/bars and eat and have get togethers and drink a little?

My opinion is that they are all competing against each other to look the hottest... it’s almost like a miniature beauty pageant. And if one or more men come over and offer one of them attention or ask for their number or offer theirs— you can almost see them swell with pride.. 

They say they’re just dressing up that way for their girl buds, but In reality they’re wanting male attention badly— especially in front of their buds. They very well may shut the guy down— and love every minute of doing it.

I have zero problem with ladies getting together with their friends. I didn’t like it when my ex did that at bars, but I never said anything unless she was getting home late, which she rarely did. But toward the end of our relationship I noticed her clothing was getting more and more revealing, especially as she lost weight. She was starving for male attention. Even the church ladies noticed it-— I found out later.

I haven’t even gotten interested enough to tell a woman my boundaries about that bs yet, because if I see they like to do that kind of stuff, it totally turns me off. However, I think the girls night out thing isn’t as important thing to worry about as an overall attitude of attention getting behavior regarding men.
Wearing skin tight clothes, particularly low cut clothes, pasting revealing selfies all over Facebook..... etc—— it’s a General pattern that gets my 6th sense going. I will not date a woman that likes to hang out at bars. Biggest turn off there is. I don’t date women that have all these “guy friends”, either. 

I like a woman that dresses nice, but not revealing all her goodies for every guy to see. She can hang out with her friends, which is perfectly normal.... just not going to bars dressed like a hottie that wants attention. And I’m not going to really make it a “boundary”, I’m just not going to be with a woman that likes that ****.
Rant over.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Ever notice how girlfriends like to dress really revealing and go out to restaurant/bars and eat and have get togethers and drink a little?


Just saw this the other day while eating dinner with my wife. Outside there was a table of young women in tiny cocktail dresses. My wife says, “Hey check out that guy.” There was a guy who was clearly thinking of how to approach this table of young ladies. I say, “He has bad hair, not going to pick any of them up guaranteed take it to the bank.”

He looks at the table a few times, walks around in a circle, tries fixing his long hair, then just gives up and leaves without even approaching them.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

_In their little chats he always tends to make the discussion sexual but she doesn't respond to it or it doesn't help escalate in that way... _

IMO they are no longer 'just friends'. 

Please slow down your marriage plans. Attention/compliments from an EX (or other men) tends to be addictive. While she may be able to white knuckle for a few months - unless she takes steps to manage her behavior (now and in the future) she is high risk.

I suggest you both read: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass.

It's an easy read and provides you both with the lingo and background necessary for a productive discussion of how to protect your marriage from infidelity. The book addresses couples (good people that didn't intend to cheat) that experienced infidelity - and the mistakes they made and what they could have done to avoid it.

Your fiance's tolerance of his sexual advances communicates to him that she is (or may at some future date) be available to him. Unless she's stupid she knows this too - so it's fair to assume she tolerates it because she wants him coming back. In their own way, they are both guilty of sexualizing their friendship - and it's too late to turn the clock back. 

He's in it for sex. She's in it for the attention (feeling desired etc). And it's a slippery slope for her towards actually providing sex to keep his attention. There's countless stories about how they thought they could manage the relationship (no sex) - until things escalated out of control.

You as the well known/boring fiance (and eventually the spouse) can not compete with the high she gets from another man. Nor is it fair for you to have to compete. Why? Among other things, nothing you can say will give her the high that she gets from her 'fantasy man'.

As a spouse you have a right to feel safe from infidelity. And your spouse has an obligation to take reasonable actions to make you feel safe. Your wife's EX and her tolerance of his sexual comments are a big fail.

What to do:

1 - read the book,

2 - as a consequence of her allowing the relationship to become sexualized, insist on 100% NC forever (and her writing him a NC letter). btw: NC is all her fault not yours.

3 - put your marriage plans on hold for at least a year until she proves (after reading the book) that she's capable of interacting with other men in a way that protects your marriage from infidelity vs putting it at risk.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

She should be willing to dump this guy (chose you) without argument or hesitation. If she's not, then she's not where she needs to be for marriage to you. 

After 5 years just move on. You deserve someone that's head over heels 100% committed to you and only you.

Her behavior also raises more questions: 

1 - Is this guy the only one that she flirts with?
2 - Does she text him? Do they exchange pics? Maybe you should check her phone sometime.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When you’re not married and there’s already another man interacting with your girl and she’s allowing him to discuss sexual things with her...... In my experience, it’s best to just cut bait, no matter how badly it hurts.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> Just saw this the other day while eating dinner with my wife. Outside there was a table of young women in tiny cocktail dresses. My wife says, “Hey check out that guy.” There was a guy who was clearly thinking of how to approach this table of young ladies. I say, “He has bad hair, not going to pick any of them up guaranteed take it to the bank.”
> 
> He looks at the table a few times, walks around in a circle, tries fixing his long hair, then just gives up and leaves without even approaching them.


The trick is to get one of them to come over to you. 😛


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

leo88 said:


> So, I'm in a relationship with this girl for 5 years and I am about to propose to her, next month.
> 
> Under some circumstances, I discovered that she is sporadically chatting with an ex on Facebook. They chat rarely, and the topics are... Happy aniversary(I think that was the date they got together) , or "are you now in the mood of watching falling stars?", because it s that time of the year of falling stars. This last discussion was initiated by her. So there is not much in their discussion, but enough to make me think that they are not totally over their relationship.
> 
> ...


Should be easily fixable. Let her know that you came across the messages, and it makes you uncomfortable, and that she needs to stop contact. See what she does. If she defends him (and she shouldn't b/c they're dumb messages frankly), then you know you probably shouldn't marry her. 

I might ask her why she feels the need to still keep in contact and remind each other about a old anniversary, that shouldn't even matter anymore.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

GC1234 said:


> Should be easily fixable. Let her know that you came across the messages, and it makes you uncomfortable, and that she needs to stop contact. See what she does. If she defends him (and she shouldn't b/c they're dumb messages frankly), then you know you probably shouldn't marry her.
> 
> I might ask her why she feels the need to still keep in contact and remind each other about a old anniversary, *that shouldn't even matter anymore.*


Therein lies the problem. Clearly it does matter to them


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> Should be easily fixable. Let her know that you came across the messages, *and it makes you uncomfortable*, and that she needs to stop contact. See what she does. If she defends him (and she shouldn't b/c they're dumb messages frankly), then you know you probably shouldn't marry her.
> 
> I might ask her why she feels the need to still keep in contact and remind each other about a old anniversary, that shouldn't even matter anymore.


I wouldn't use the word *uncomfortable! (Only pussified men use it)*
I would just say that it's not *acceptable *to you and it made you question your relationship and *commitment *to her and your thinking of *bailing out* (don't bluff, you need to mean it)!
Only then she will take you seriously and know you mean business!


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## leo88 (Aug 21, 2021)

Thanks everyone for the advices, a short update after I had a talk with her. The guy got deleted/banned/blocked, she said that didn't thought that she's doing something wrong by chating with him from time to time and those chats mean nothing to her. She said that she will do whatever it takes to not jeopardize our relationship

She didn't know why she was still keeping touch with this guy after 10 years their relationship ended (which by way, it seems it was not a long one, ~5 months). The only explanation was that he was there when she needed some kind of protection after her previous relationship, that was quite abusive from my understanding, so maybe "some recognition for helping her move on with her life in those times". These were her words... She told me that she was never quite attracted to him, so this is why they didn't got back together after they finished their relationship, even if he would've wanted that.

I think that this guy is still stuck on the relationship they had in some way, he never got over it and dreams in a day when they get reunited. What man does this, 10 years along the way after a relationship of just a few months?

I can't explain her reasons also, it puzzles me. She is not attracted to him, never was, that's why they didn't got back together again even if they had multiple moments/chances in life. But why remembering their annyversary after 10 years? Which is not even an annyversary of something, it was maybe their first date or something. Who does that?


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

How did you initiate the talk?
What did you ask her?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

leo88 said:


> Thanks everyone for the advices, a short update after I had a talk with her. The guy got deleted/banned/blocked, she said that didn't thought that she's doing something wrong by chating with him from time to time and those chats mean nothing to her. She said that she will do whatever it takes to not jeopardize our relationship
> 
> She didn't know why she was still keeping touch with this guy after 10 years their relationship ended (which by way, it seems it was not a long one, ~5 months). The only explanation was that he was there when she needed some kind of protection after her previous relationship, that was quite abusive from my understanding, so maybe "some recognition for helping her move on with her life in those times". These were her words... She told me that she was never quite attracted to him, so this is why they didn't got back together after they finished their relationship, even if he would've wanted that.
> 
> ...


That I can’t really explain, it doesn’t make sense at all to me. None whatsoever. 
typically, we see cheaters a LOT claim “I’m not sttracted to them”, so that’s kinda a red flag. Sure they’re attracted to them— they dated! Celebrating anniv of first date . Just plain weird. I wish I could say case closed, but I still smell a rat.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

leo88 said:


> The only explanation was that he was there when she needed some kind of protection after her previous relationship, that was quite abusive from my understanding, so maybe "some recognition for helping her move on with her life in those times". These were her words... She told me that she was never quite attracted to him, so this is why they didn't got back together after they finished their relationship, even if he would've wanted that.


I'm going to guess that she feels a little guilty for using the guy to help her out of a bad situation. So, she uses these little chats to make it look like she really isn't that type of person.

Who brought up the 'anniversary' - her or him? If her, then she is actively egging this poor slob on. If him, it's just trying to make more of something that never was. For him, she'll always be the one who got away. He might be afflicted with KISA syndrome.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

leo88 said:


> Thanks everyone for the advices, a short update after I had a talk with her. The guy got deleted/banned/blocked, she said that didn't thought that she's doing something wrong by chating with him from time to time and those chats mean nothing to her. She said that she will do whatever it takes to not jeopardize our relationship
> 
> She didn't know why she was still keeping touch with this guy after 10 years their relationship ended (which by way, it seems it was not a long one, ~5 months). The only explanation was that he was there when she needed some kind of protection after her previous relationship, that was quite abusive from my understanding, so maybe "some recognition for helping her move on with her life in those times". These were her words... She told me that she was never quite attracted to him, so this is why they didn't got back together after they finished their relationship, even if he would've wanted that.
> 
> ...


Good work @leo88, always set your boundaries and make it clear for a healthy relationship!
You do have a valid question:


> But why remembering their annyversary after 10 years? Which is not even an annyversary of something, it was maybe their first date or something. Who does that?


That leads me to this:
When something like this happens, you never take what your spouse say at face value, you will never know if she is truly attracted to him or not, after all they did date, didn't they?!
If she is attracted to him, do you think she will tell you and risk everything? (think about this!)
She deleted/banned/blocked him, that's very good, but lets not forget she didn't stop him when he sent sexual signals, yes she didn't reciprocate but she didn't stop him either, that says something!
Keep your eyes open. Trust, but verify!

There was a survey done recently (I will try to find it) and they asked women who are in long term relationships (including married women) if they kept a male friend as a backup plan (on the back burner) I think it was over %70 said yes they did, it's shocking I know!
That's why women recover way faster than men from breakups and divorce!
And that's why it's easer for women to initiate breakups (Statistics say over %70 of divorces are initiated by women, I think it was close to %80!)

@leo88, never EVER be complacent in a relationship, always be fit and attractive, and ALWAYS strive to be the best version of yourself, that will minimize the risks greatly, because you will always be the prize and you will always have options if anything happens!

Wanted to ask, How did you approach this topic with her when you had the talk?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Kaliber said:


> There was a survey done recently (I will try to find it) and they asked women who are in long term relationships (including married women) if they kept a male friend as a backup plan (on the back burner) I think it was over %70 said yes they did, it's shocking I know!


Please do provide the source. You're right - it is shocking to me because I've never known a single woman to do this.


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## leo88 (Aug 21, 2021)

How I started the discussion: Well, several days ago she sent me something from her phone, she was besides me, so I saw his name in the chat list. So I started by asking her why is he still in her life...

Indeed, blocking a person when your partner asks you to do it, is just a technical block, not a sentimental one.  Just a small win in a big battle.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Hopefully this is the end of it but with it going on so long, I suspect that she will slowly begin to play social media footsie once she thinks the coast is clear and the need for the ego kibble fix reaches a desperate level. 

We have a very popular thread of a WW who ended up initiating a passionate sexual affair with a “friend” that her husband always suspected was after his wife. The friendship went dormant for years and was reinitiated by the wife sending an innocent gift for his daughter. I bring this up as a cautionary tale to trust your gut. It is very hard to give up the ego kibbles. It is addictive like crack cocaine. When you have a lull in your marriage, like ALL marriages have, the pull of the ego kibble can be hard to resist.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

leo88 said:


> Thanks everyone for the advices, a short update after I had a talk with her. The guy got deleted/banned/blocked, she said that didn't thought that she's doing something wrong by chating with him from time to time and those chats mean nothing to her. She said that she will do whatever it takes to not jeopardize our relationship
> 
> She didn't know why she was still keeping touch with this guy after 10 years their relationship ended (which by way, it seems it was not a long one, ~5 months). The only explanation was that he was there when she needed some kind of protection after her previous relationship, that was quite abusive from my understanding, so maybe "some recognition for helping her move on with her life in those times". These were her words... She told me that she was never quite attracted to him, so this is why they didn't got back together after they finished their relationship, even if he would've wanted that.
> 
> ...


Oooo this makes me happy. I'm so thankful that she cut it off immediately!


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Quad73 said:


> How did you initiate the talk?
> What did you ask her?


Off topic but I love your profile pic! And just so it's not considered threadjacking, I am wondering what he asked her also.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

sokillme said:


> Yeah, don't propose yet.
> 
> I don't think it's a big deal talking to your ex every once and a while but reminiscing romantic times is a big red flag. They are an ex for a reason right?
> 
> ...



Agreed. I talk with my ex BF from 30 years ago sometimes. Not very often, just a check in, "Hey how are you? How's life?" sort of thing. We were best friends before we dated and we broke up due to some mental illness in him (that was yet to be diagnosed.) I still care enough that I enjoy knowing that he's doing much better now, getting good treatment and therapy. He is in a very committed and the most healthy relationship he's had in years. Actually, he's the one I have to thank for finally pushing me to leave my exH and for getting back out there and dating again. As soon as I started dating my now BF, his phone calls backed way off again as he had been checking in on me every few weeks prior to that. Once he knew I was happy, he didn't feel the need to check in as much. He's a good friend, horrible boyfriend.

We do NOT ever celebrate anniversaries or anything like that. We simply catch up on each other's lives and hope the other is doing well and help if we can. We now speak for about 10-15 minutes every 2 years or so. And my BF knows all about it. I was very upfront about it. Some here would say that's not okay or it's poor boundaries but I disagree. I love my BF more than any other guy I've ever been with and one reason is because he's secure enough to handle something like this.

But I also NEVER say anything like "I could have him back if I wanted to!" because that's just not okay and it crosses that boundary. To me it means she is keeping this guy as her fallback plan B. He'd be the one she'd marry for security (which he already gave her once) and then go find Mr Excitement to have on the side. No bueno.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

I personally think it is bad policy to have any communication with a past romantic partner while married. But that is just me.


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## The IT Guy (Oct 17, 2020)

^This.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Your finance didn't just stay in touch with an Ex - she tolerated his sexual advances. And they were sexual advances regardless of how he phrased it.

I suggest you delay proposing for at least one more year.

Once you have kids with her it's very difficult to divorce (and she'll know it) over your view that her 'friendship' is high risk for adultery. After marriage she'll ignore your concerns/accuse you of being controlling/unreasonably jealous.

And you both should read the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass.

It doesn't have to be a confrontational or accusatory discussion (you can chat over a glass of wine). It's an opportunity to discuss and agree to boundaries prior to marriage. Give yourself time to observe her applying what she learned.

Immediately blocking him does not make her a safe life partner. It's just barely a good start.
Not every affair is daily/weekly. Some only meet up once a year.

Your reality is that you caught your finance in a long term inappropriate relationship. What did you expect her to say?

She does not have to be in love or have special feelings for him in order to enjoy his sexual advances as an ego boost. Unless she's stupid, she knew that by not shutting him down that he would continue the sexual advances. The very first time all she had to do is say "stop it".

Unless you guys agree on boundaries going forward, she's high risk to someday seek out that ego boost again with the OM or someone else.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Please do provide the source. You're right - it is shocking to me because I've never known a single woman to do this.


Most ladies I've met are doing this. If you wanna see someone's next relationship partner, that dude is already somewhere on her Facebook just waiting for her current BF to go away. People add those random, attractive opposite sex people to their social media for backups all the time. With the ladies, all you have to do as a guy is wait for her to start sharing those stupid relationship memes or talking about what a so-called "real man" should be doing and you know her relationship is dying off. Hit her up then before all the other vultures get to her and you'll be the first one she hooks up with when she decides to get rid of her guy.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Enigma32 said:


> Most ladies I've met are doing this. If you wanna see someone's next relationship partner, that dude is already somewhere on her Facebook just waiting for her current BF to go away. People add those random, attractive opposite sex people to their social media for backups all the time. With the ladies, all you have to do as a guy is wait for her to start sharing those stupid relationship memes or talking about what a so-called "real man" should be doing and you know her relationship is dying off. Hit her up then before all the other vultures get to her and you'll be the first one she hooks up with when she decides to get rid of her guy.


Enlightening.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> Most ladies I've met are doing this. If you wanna see someone's next relationship partner, that dude is already somewhere on her Facebook just waiting for her current BF to go away. People add those random, attractive opposite sex people to their social media for backups all the time. With the ladies, all you have to do as a guy is wait for her to start sharing those stupid relationship memes or talking about what a so-called "real man" should be doing and you know her relationship is dying off. Hit her up then before all the other vultures get to her and you'll be the first one she hooks up with when she decides to get rid of her guy.


Women always have a backup plan, an out, an ace-in-the-hole. They are able to do this because they have that little realm of magic between their legs that all men find irresistible. They will string ex-boyfriends along for years, keep a healthy harem of male "friend" orbiters circling around them, and maintain these networks even when they are married or in committed relationships. It is all about managing resources. Women excel at it. 

Nothing has changed really since the 1840s, when debutants would sit in their hoop skirts on their swooning couches, enjoying the affections and attention of lines of male suitors pining for their hands in marriage; except now Facebook and Snapchat have replaced swooning couches, and hoopskirts have been replaced by yoga pants and half tees.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

ArthurGPym said:


> hoopskirts have been replaced by yoga pants and half tees.


These are solid upgrades in my book.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Enlightening.


Not a lot of scientific details, but here is a story about Plan-B.









50 per cent of women in relationships have a back-up partner in mind. Dear men, please note


Around 50 per cent of women in relationships have a back-up partner in mind in case they separate from their current partner, as per a study.




www.indiatoday.in


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ArthurGPym said:


> Women always have a backup plan, an out, an ace-in-the-hole. They are able to do this because they have that little realm of magic between their legs that all men find irresistible. They will string ex-boyfriends along for years, keep a healthy harem of male "friend" orbiters circling around them, and maintain these networks even when they are married or in committed relationships. It is all about managing resources. Women excel at it.
> 
> Nothing has changed really since the 1840s, when debutants would sit in their hoop skirts on their swooning couches, enjoying the affections and attention of lines of male suitors pining for their hands in marriage; except now Facebook and Snapchat have replaced swooning couches, and hoopskirts have been replaced by yoga pants and half tees.


Now, now, you're generalizing to a silly degree. Not all women are named Scarlet.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Not a lot of scientific details, but here is a story about Plan-B.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Big if true. Think of how much mental energy it takes to maintain that. It seems very foreign to me that someone is thinking “man if this guy doesn’t work out I always have Barry”.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

leo88 said:


> How I started the discussion: Well, several days ago she sent me something from her phone, she was besides me, so I saw his name in the chat list. So I started by asking her why is he still in her life...
> 
> Indeed, blocking a person when your partner asks you to do it, is just a technical block, not a sentimental one.  Just a small win in a big battle.


_She didn't know why she was still keeping touch with this guy after 10 years their relationship ended (which by way, it seems it was not a long one, ~5 months).... She told me that she was never quite attracted to him, so this is why they didn't got back together after they finished their relationship, even if he would've wanted that._

This is a lie. You don't just happen to keep in touch with someone for 10 years. Doubly so if it is an ex romantic partner. Rest assured she has not let him go and is unlikely to do so. She will make an effort to better hide her future interactions with him from you. 

She told you that she was never quite attracted to him. This is also a lie. As an example many waywards tell their betrayed spouse that sex with their AP was terrible. Then why would they repeatedly go back? Certainly they go for back for validation. The thrill of the forbidden also plays its role. 
*She held on to this guy for the last 10 years. She has a reason for doing so.*

_Indeed, blocking a person when your partner asks you to do it, is just a technical block, not a sentimental one.  Just a small win in a big battle._

*You haven't won anything big or small.* You asked her to block him and she did. *She didn't volunteer or offer to block him on her own.* She did so to placate you, nothing more. She can unblock him as easily as she blocked him. She can take precautions and use different platforms to communicate with him to avoid your monitoring. She will reach out to her ex when she feels you are complacent once more. You will have to continue to monitor her activities. 

Your victory is hollow and your battle is far from over.

Good luck regardless.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> Big if true. Think of how much mental energy it takes to maintain that. It seems very foreign to me that someone is thinking “man if this guy doesn’t work out I always have Barry”.


Did you notice the source?  India Today.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Did you notice the source?  India Today.


The original article was from Daily Mail out of the UK, it was reported in the US too, by Huffington Post. It was conducted by OnePoll.com for Daily Mail.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> Big if true. Think of how much mental energy it takes to maintain that. It seems very foreign to me that someone is thinking “man if this guy doesn’t work out I always have Barry”.


I think these women do it subconsciously, they just keep them on the side, it's like a security measure, doesn't require to much energy, same when you have money stashed into a saving account, you don't need to manage it, just leave it there and use it when you really need it!


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

leo88 said:


> Should I be worried, should I confront her, or is this maybe some time to time fun chat?


Yes, you should be worried. She doesn't want to cut him loose, nor he her. The topics seem a little too mushy for the just friends zone.

In any case, it is highly disrespectful. I'd hold off on proposing. Talk to her about it, tell you you don't like it and the way they talk to each other. Sounds like there are still feelings there.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

leo88 said:


> She was once joking with me saying that this guy will always be available for her, even if he will be married with three kids.


You don't joke about **** like that. WTF is wrong with her? Major red flags here. What would she say if you had an x-girlfriend and you told her options are still open?


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## Condor90046 (Aug 25, 2021)

leo88 said:


> So, I'm in a relationship with this girl for 5 years and I am about to propose to her, next month.
> 
> Under some circumstances, I discovered that she is sporadically chatting with an ex on Facebook. They chat rarely, and the topics are... Happy aniversary(I think that was the date they got together) , or "are you now in the mood of watching falling stars?", because it s that time of the year of falling stars. This last discussion was initiated by her. So there is not much in their discussion, but enough to make me think that they are not totally over their relationship.
> 
> ...


 When you are in a committed relationship there is none of that BS period .
My wife's ex-husband contacted her to just catch up and say hello . He asked if he could see her and have a coffee .Do you know what my wife told him? I will ask my husband if it is okay. 
I know my wife of 20 years and she does not the cheat gene and it simply is not in her DNA . I said no problem, but as said I 100% trust her . 

Personally that behavior would be a deal breaker for me . When it comes to the opposite sex nothing should be hidden and that's the way it has to be if you want to be together 20 years like my angel of a wife and me . Good luck .


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

The title of this thread has a typographical error.

It should be "cheats" not "chats".


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> Big if true. Think of how much mental energy it takes to maintain that. It seems very foreign to me that someone is thinking “man if this guy doesn’t work out I always have Barry”.


It's easy. You go out with a circle of friends and a couple new people join one of your buddies and one of them is attractive. You then have a reason to add them to your social media where you will interact occasionally on each other's posts. Meet someone new at work? Same thing. Eventually, you have a ton of possible backups for when your relationship inevitably fails....or you just get bored with them. Based on my observations, that seems to be how most people operate.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

leo88 said:


> So, I'm in a relationship with this girl for 5 years and I am about to propose to her, next month.
> 
> Should I be worried, should I confront her, or is this maybe some time to time fun chat? I consider us having a happy relationship, we have future plans and all.


Forget the proposal.
Enjoy the casual sex with a woman who doesn't appear to want you that much.


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