# For men that cheated.....



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

What is the worst thing that your spouse can do when you are trying to make the marriage work after? Is there stuff that she said/did that made it worse when trying to heal from either a EA or a PA. Thanks in advance!


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

aside from a revenge affair, the BS shouldn't have to worry about something they will say or do during R and the healing process

the WS is the one who has to carry the load


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I get what you are saying but is it detrimental to throw it back at them..i.e. sarcastic comments. I do that once in a while in anger and hurt. I know it isn't right to do that but sometimes i can't stop myself...


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

highwood said:


> I get what you are saying but is it detrimental to throw it back at them..i.e. sarcastic comments. I do that once in a while in anger and hurt. I know it isn't right to do that but sometimes i can't stop myself...



so did I

and a remorseful spouse (like my wife) will understand and apologize again and ask if there's anything they can do to help you


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

He does that..on the weekend we had a couple of discussions about the situation and how hard it is for me to get over and he said how can we fix this. I think I often obsess on the what if's as well.i.e. what if I hadn't caught him would it still be going on, etc. etc.

I think in my mind because I tend to be a worrier and I fret over things I have a hard time getting over stuff.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

This might be of some help *3 Ways to Erase Post-Affair Anger*.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Thanks for the link..that does help!

That is what I find I am doing and he has commented on it..I am moody and angry. ONe minute I am affectionate to him and then the next minute I am angry and making sarcastic comments to him.


----------



## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

highwood said:


> ... but is it detrimental to throw it back at them..i.e. sarcastic comments. I do that once in a while in anger and hurt. I know it isn't right to do that but sometimes i can't stop myself...


IMHO, yes, it is wrong.

I talked to a friend who is 5 years on from R and this still happens and it's destroying them both. She now uses it as a tool to get her way to win arguments and it is destroying his self esteem and his will to stay. You are only going to be able to do this so long before what you are doing is abusive.

It's one thing to talk about your anger/feelings in a controlled fashion but another to bring it up in anger.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

YOu are correct..I do that! I will make sarcastic comments, etc. sometimes while we are talking about something totally unrelated. We were at a home show the other weekend and there was an asian woman dressed in asian garb at a display and I said to him.."I am surprised that you didn't stop at that booth I know you like the asians". He was ticked off to say the least...but at times I can't help it.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

highwood said:


> I get what you are saying but is it detrimental to throw it back at them..i.e. sarcastic comments. I do that once in a while in anger and hurt. I know it isn't right to do that but sometimes i can't stop myself...


If you get years down the road and this is still happening with regularity the two of you may have to face a reality that you just can't get past what he did. At that point you can either pursue counseling if you haven't already or decide that despite best efforts his actions killed the marriage and move on. 

I only ever took one step in this direction. Shortly after D Day, I mean like less than 48 hours, after I had turned myself inside out doing all the right things, I did take one moment to tell my wife again how sorry I was but that if she arrived at a point where she felt she could not move past what I had done to please tell me because I did not intend to spend the rest of my life getting my ass kicked. I reiterated again how sorry I was and that I was prepared to pay the prices, but at some point it had to become history. The thing is, I was right - and - I was wrong. I wouldn't live the rest of my life getting my ass beat. If she was still that angry years later we'd call it quits. But, I have come to understand the nature of triggers as has my wife. When she still, 18 months later, looks at me like she wants to slap me upside the head we usually talk about it briefly and then often times have a lighthearted laugh about it after it passes. 

What has to move to that past at some point is the anger. The triggers will be there and IMO the more you can make them a moment for the two of you to touch base and connect the better. I know that sounds weird but that's how my wife and I treat them and it's worked very well for us. 

Remember it takes 2 to 5 years to recover. Read my above, we're a year and half in and it's still very much a part of our lives. Don't get in a hurry, dealing with it and talking about it are the best things the two of you can do.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Thank you! It has only been 4 months for us.

Oddly enough when I vent I always feel better..however it is becoming a vicious cycle in that I get angry at him, vent and ***** to him then feel better after. Only the next day to go thru that all again.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

It is a cycle - at four months wail on him all you want. After all, he did earn it right? Every time my wife apologizes for triggering (which I've never understood why she does) I always tell her, "don't apologize - I earned it" and I did. I will say though that my wife never attacks me with it, other than maybe the first few days she never has. We have talked about it endlessly but almost never has she attacked me, this makes it so much easier for me to talk about it and give her the communication and information she needs.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

where does everyone get the "it takes 2 to 5 years to recover" stat from??


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

That's true! He doesn't mind if we talk about it just when I out of the blue make these sarcastic comments.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I got it from the TAM sage - Almostrecovered if memory serves - or maybe lordmayhem. I didn't buy it at first but for us it's proving to be true - I think.


----------



## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

highwood said:


> YOu are correct..I do that! I will make sarcastic comments, etc. sometimes while we are talking about something totally unrelated. We were at a home show the other weekend and there was an asian woman dressed in asian garb at a display and I said to him.."I am surprised that you didn't stop at that booth I know you like the asians". He was ticked off to say the least...but at times I can't help it.


Yeah, you need to stop that. There is only so long that someone can take being called an a**hole before they get angry. Especially if they think they are doing all they can to make it 'right'. I'm guessing his A was with an asian. 

My W and I used to joke about having a 'guilt free list' which was 10 people that we were allowed to sleep with guilt free. The catch was that they had to be people that we had almost no hope of actually bedding.

It was fun for both of us to tease each other about the people that we'd put on that list. "Don't you DARE put a cowboy on that list! They are all poofters!" "Oh, but I just love a man in jeans and a cowboy hat"

That kind of teasing is now difficult because it's so easy for one or the other to take it the wrong way.

Her: He always wanted to cheat on me. He still does. I hate him.

Him: She's triggering and beating me over the head with it.

I guess if you had a relationship that allowed you to say stuff like that before you might be able to talk your way through it and say that you're just joking but if you didn't then I'd imagine that subject is off limits.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes, he met her while he was working in Singapore for two months. She is filipino I guess..she worked in the shop office.

I don't blame her because she was lied to by him. All of my anger rests with him only. She was exactly my age so I instinctively knew that due to life experience she would tell him where to go. (age of early 40s).

I am lucky that she ended right away.

I guess part of my anger stems from the fact that both her and I ended it not him. He had no choice because she basically told him to **** off!


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> aside from a revenge affair, the BS shouldn't have to worry about something they will say or do during R and the healing process
> 
> the WS is the one who has to carry the load


Exactly!! Well said.


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

highwood said:


> I get what you are saying but is it detrimental to throw it back at them..i.e. sarcastic comments. I do that once in a while in anger and hurt. I know it isn't right to do that but sometimes i can't stop myself...


Its called emotions, and yours are all over the place. And why? Because, I'm assuming, your spouse cheated on you.

A WS doesn't get to basically do what is tantamount to emotional abuse, and expect you to coddle them during their time of mourning not being able to bone their lover any longer.

That being said, if you are trying to keep the marriage, then it is not good to be throwing it back in their face. But if you do, its understandable, and the cheater can't now act like they are being treated unfairly. Cheaters don't get to sentence their spouse to almost a lifetime of the visions of their betrayal, and expect to not have to have a little bit of a rough time of things in the short term.


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

highwood said:


> Yes, he met her while he was working in Singapore for two months. She is filipino I guess..she worked in the shop office.
> 
> I don't blame her because she was lied to by him. All of my anger rests with him only. She was exactly my age so I instinctively knew that due to life experience she would tell him where to go. (age of early 40s).
> 
> ...


On a different note, I think he needs to find another job/career that doesn't require extensive travel and time away from home.


----------

