# Damned if you do, damned if you don't



## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

I think I posted something not altogether unlike this before, although this is more specific to the "problem." Actually, I'm not sure I'm stating a problem, or even asking a specific question, so much as simply describing a situation.

My wife and I have been married for two and a half years now (we're both in our very early 30s). We had a pretty good sex life while dating, and even just after getting married. Then, barely two months into the marriage, we unexpectedly became pregnant. We now have a two year old son, going on three in just a few months, but sex has remained very infrequent between us since the birth. Like, once or twice a month most of the time. It's really no mystery to me. Aside from all the problems and issues and stresses that come from a busy life filled with work and child rearing, and also I might add some of the medications I take, the big issue that I know lies between us is that we're simply terrified of becoming pregnant again. We didn't originally plan on having any children so soon. We're certainly not ready for more. We love our son, no doubt, but we honestly didn't plan on him so soon.

So we just don't have sex. Unless it's the time of my wife's cycle where it's highly unlikely that she's going to get pregnant. Which, of course, isn't very often. We're not big fans of condoms. Too much lost sensation. We're also kinda skittish about hormonal birth control. Not so much because of the big, rare risks like cancers and such as just the apparently better known side-effects such as decreased libido and such.

It seems like a no-win situation to me. We have sex, we're more likely to get pregnant. We use BC, and sex is either less enjoyable or less desirable. Or we just don't have sex, and... well, that's where we are now, pretty much.

So, what does everyone else do? Just go for it and damn the proverbial torpedoes and such? Or maybe this situation occurs in more marriages than I realize?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You're both young, in your primes and still newly weds.

You now have a three year old son, good for you.

Once having kid(s), that could alter her hormones and her sex drive will drastically drop. Give it time to recover or she sees a Dr. and gets meds.

Simple. Get a BC setup that works for her. You can't avoid condoms and BC and not expect to get pregnant.

Not all BC pills kill sex drives.

With her being on an effective BC, that works for her, some trial and error here, your sex lives together should be fantastic. No condoms and almost no chance of pregnancy, so no worries.

Or you can get a vasectomy.

Or she can have her tubes tied.

Or you never have vaginal intercourse, just everything else imaginable.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Just a though but Id be interested in what men think of this...

Make several deposit is in a sperm bank then get a vasectomy. Problem 100% solved...unless the vasectomy doesn't take.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If a vasectomy doesn't kill my testosterone levels or sex drive and I no longer want kids, I'm game. But only if this would get my wife's sex drive through the roof.:smthumbup:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I guess I'd approach the problem as one of mathematics. Which causes a greater loss of sensation? Sex with a condom or no sex? Which is more likely to result in less frequent sex, a pill that might somewhat decrease a woman's libido or her being terrified of pregnancy which results in near-zero sex? You can always get a vascectomy and disarm all your potential torpedoes or throw your old lady down and give her the best oral sex she's ever had. No danger of pregnancy there. A woman's body is an amazing amusement park and there's only one ride that could even possibly result in a pregnancy. Seems a shame and a waste to bypass all those other attractions.


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## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

The vasectomy idea did occur to me, but although we don't want more children just yet (let's at least get this one into primary school first), we both figure we might want another one in a few years. I'd be worried about the sperm bank approach in case something went wrong, or whether subsequent fertilization attempts might not take when we did decide it was time for another. LOL, I suppose my thoughts here are a little at odds with each other, both wanting more children (eventually), but also wanting more sex that won't result in children, but...

Yeah, I think we need to research birth control methods more. Hopefully we can find something that will work for us without any nasty side effects.

Thanks folks.


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## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

Oh, and just to amend a little, I'm a big fan of all the different "flavors" of sexual activity, but my wife is a bit partial to vaginal intercourse herself, so we'd be more interested in a solution that doesn't limit that more than necessary. So, again, off to research birth control.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

For my wifee, the first BC made her feel bloated and not so great, so she tried another BC and no more symptoms. Note: she was LD before she went on BC, so this BC she is using isn't killing her sex drive, many BC's don't kill the sex drive.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Just a though but Id be interested in what men think of this...
> 
> Make several deposit is in a sperm bank then get a vasectomy. Problem 100% solved...unless the vasectomy doesn't take.


When people want to do something... they find a way to get it done. When they don't... they make excuses.

Took me a long time to figure that out. My first wife had the same exact issues (along with a lot of other issues). 

I'm not so sure that a vasectomy will solve the problem.

Ultimately she did me a favor and left me.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

mgperkow said:


> My wife and I have been married for two and a half years now (we're both in our very early 30s). We had a pretty good sex life while dating, and even just after getting married. Then, barely two months into the marriage, we unexpectedly became pregnant. We now have a two year old son, going on three in just a few months,


Timelines off. If you are married 2.5 years and you got married a few months after you got married, then that means the child was born around your first anniversary, which would make the child about one and a half. 

As for the rest of your issue, you, your wife, or both of you are far to picky. You complain about condoms for example, saying they decrease sensitivity, yet you elect to go the most unsensitive route possible by having no sex (or very little/limited). It really sounds like you're complaining about something for which you've (or your wife) elected to willingly remove all of the potential solutions for. No condoms. No birth control. No oral or anything other than PiV pretty much. I'm not sure what advice you are expecting.



Anon Pink said:


> Just a though but Id be interested in what men think of this...
> 
> Make several deposit is in a sperm bank then get a vasectomy. Problem 100% solved...unless the vasectomy doesn't take.


At his age and in his situation, I'd say no. He's having problems regarding sex with his wife now (though that's also partly his fault) and does want more kids, just not now. There is some red flags in his marriage from this post, so what happens if divorce occurs (not saying it will, but it is always possible) and the sperm he's banked doesn't produce any offspring? They can reverse a vasectomy, but it isn't a guarantee. Not to mention I wouldn't recommend invasive surgery to anyone unless it was life or death pretty much.


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## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

You're right, my error. I meant to say three and a half years. Time flies, and my memory sucks. 

Wasn't really expecting advice, although I felt I got a little nonetheless. More than anything, I was wondering if others felt similarly, and how they approached it. Unplanned pregnancies certainly worry me, and I assume they must concern at least some others, so I was wondering how others approached the potential problem.

I didn't say no BC. Or didn't mean it that way. Just that we hadn't found anything that works for us. I'm a little more hopeful about that route now.

Didn't say PiV only either. Just that it's my wife's favorite route.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Another safe choice for your wife is an IUD, like the updated Murena. It gets put in at a doctors office, most insurance cover it fully & it's guaranteed for 7 years. After that, you just get a new one if need be. No side effects, except less or no periods. My daughters doctor recommended this to her when she became pregnant in her early 20s.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The IUD was my second thought.

My first (and admittedly cynical) thought was once you remove one barrier to sex, another will pop up shortly after. In my personal experience, people who want to have sex find a way to make it happen. People who don't want to have sex find reasons for it to not happen. Hopefully this thought is wrong...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Do some research on Fertility Awareness Method. When done properly and consistently it is very reliable. There is a learning curve, but once you have the knowledge, using the method is free, no side effects, no chemicals and anyone can do it. 

I did it for years as I cannot use chemical BC and don't like condoms.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You are skittish about the pill and she hasn't even tried it. 

I took it for 14 years with no problems whatsoever. 

Hubby is now snipped because we are done having kids.


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## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

PBear said:


> The IUD was my second thought.
> 
> My first (and admittedly cynical) thought was once you remove one barrier to sex, another will pop up shortly after. In my personal experience, people who want to have sex find a way to make it happen. People who don't want to have sex find reasons for it to not happen. Hopefully this thought is wrong...
> 
> ...


Yeah, that'd definitely be another method to look into.

Actually, we both work quite a bit. I sometimes find myself too tired for sex (or much of anything) as well, as does she. But sometimes, when those infrequent opportunities have popped up, when we're not exhausted and have a little alone time, then it's all, "Oh, dammit, it's not safe for us to have sex right now" (which we're both saying).

I think I'm just undereducated about BC, and I honestly think she is as well. Hopefully it's just a matter of correcting that shortcoming.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Go get cut. I did 24 years ago and it never bothered me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Paraguard IUD is non-hormonal, Mirena is hormonal if your biggest concern for birth control are the hormones.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Many IUD's don't have hormones and don't affect sex drive or function. 

There are alternatives.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Have her go talk to her OB/GYN - there are a ton of bc methods. I had an IUD - it was great. 

Using the planning method, well, it only takes one night of 'oops' plus too much rum and well, we now have a 10 month old.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Using the planning method, well, it only takes one night of 'oops' plus too much rum and well, we now have a 10 month old.


Yep I tried the planning method and it took only ONE night of not following the rules and oops. She's 7 now. Lol


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

mgperkow said:


> The vasectomy idea did occur to me, but although we don't want more children just yet (let's at least get this one into primary school first), we both figure we might want another one in a few years. I'd be worried about the sperm bank approach in case something went wrong, or whether subsequent fertilization attempts might not take when we did decide it was time for another.
> 
> Thanks folks.



I'm not trying to talk you into a vasectomy, but I wouldn't want you or anyone else to make a decision based on myth. Each deposit can be used for up to 20 fertilization attempts. You make several deposits and you're good to go! If you're worried about a power outage, make deposits at two or three hospitals, although the power outage fear is pretty far fetched.

AND vasectomies can be reversed. Whereas a tubal ligation can't always be successfully reversed and banking eggs is a HELL of a lot more involved then banking sperm!

Not one man would do it... Interesting...

Honestly, you men!


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I say the pill. You're worried about decreased libido with it yet you are barely having sex due to fear of pregnancy? 

I've never known anyone who had a decreased libido from the pill. Even if there is a slight decrease its better than a virtual absence. As long as she takes it everyday its reliable. 

A vascectomy or tubal ligation doesn't make sense unless you really can't see yourselves ever wanting more children. Seems like a no brainer to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

inarut said:


> I say the pill. You're worried about decreased libido with it yet you are barely having sex due to fear of pregnancy?
> 
> I've never known anyone who had a decreased libido from the pill. Even if there is a slight decrease its better than a virtual absence. As long as she takes it everyday its reliable.
> 
> ...


I know 4 women who went off it because it killed their sex drive.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Almost parallel situation between you guys and me and my wife. We use pullout. No problems for a couple of years (Fingers crossed). I have never not gotten out in time. It is quite effective if you get out in time and you have peed once or twice since your last ejaculation. It is pretty well accepted that your precum does not contain sperm. However if there s sperm in your urethra from your last ejaculation that can be a problem. Hence the need to pee between sessions.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I know 4 women who went off it because it killed their sex drive.


Ok but she hasn't even tried it. There are also different brands of pills. It can also be about finding the one that is right for you. I had to change a few times for different reasons, none having to do with libido but then never had an issue with it. I'm not saying it never effects libido but I think the percentage is low.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You are right, there are different brands with different side effects. 

It's silly how some people complain about all the dirt in the hole they've dug.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

No sex in the tipee without a condom on your pee pee.
For me if the option was either no sex or sex while wearing a condom its a no brainer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I'm not trying to talk you into a vasectomy, but I wouldn't want you or anyone else to make a decision based on myth. Each deposit can be used for up to 20 fertilization attempts. You make several deposits and you're good to go! If you're worried about a power outage, make deposits at two or three hospitals, although the power outage fear is pretty far fetched.
> 
> AND vasectomies can be reversed. Whereas a tubal ligation can't always be successfully reversed and banking eggs is a HELL of a lot more involved then banking sperm!
> 
> ...


And doing fertilization can cost a lot of money, especially with multiple attempts.

Not to mention a vascetomy, even if a common procedure, is still an invasive surgical procedure (and would require a second one to reverse it, and that's not guaranteed either). You're disappointed that no man wants to have a surgeical procedure done?

Everyone's body is their own, and if we don't want to have surgery, that shouldn't be a disappointment to anyone. There are other methods to prevent pregnancy, and if the OP doesn't want to use those, that's his problem.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> You're disappointed that no man wants to have a surgeical procedure done?
> 
> .


If there was a procedure that could be done under local, one day to recover, no sythentic hormones, no further aide effects at all, and reversible, for women... HELL YES!

I'd sign my daughters up too!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

With condoms, I found lazy doggie style much more to my liking and it hits her g-spot much better too.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

hambone said:


> When people want to do something... they find a way to get it done. When they don't... they make excuses.
> 
> Took me a long time to figure that out. My first wife had the same exact issues (along with a lot of other issues).
> 
> ...


That's exactly what I was thinking. For people who want to have sex they sure come up with a lot of reasons not to.

Can't take the pill because her drive might drop. But they aren't having regular sex anyway.

Can't use condoms because they reduce sensitivity. As opposed to having no sensation at all.

I don't know what to tell you then brotha.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> If there was a procedure that could be done under local, one day to recover, no sythentic hormones, no further aide effects at all, and reversible, for women... HELL YES!
> 
> I'd sign my daughters up too!


I didn't ask what you'd do. I said no one should look down on people for not just getting an operation done. One day or two months, its a surgecial procedure and all procedures come with risks. To simply say 'go do it' is wrong. 

And I'd hope you'd have enough sense to let your daughters decide that for themselves as well.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It was a figure of speech indicating my full support, not my intent to waltz them into the treatment room!

You questioned my disappointment. I replied with the fact that I would do it and therefor I think it's a reasonable, not outragous, option.


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## GinnyTonia (Jul 31, 2012)

I have the copper IUD. It made me more crampy for a few months and now my cycle lasts about a day longer, but other than that, I love it! No hormones and very effective. 
I work for a lot of pharmaceutical reps and see a lot of products. Apparently Loestrin Fe has been shown to have the least effect on libido.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

Well, you could always go the natural planning route (i.e., tracking her cycles using ovulation kits and symptoms of fertility so you know when she's not fertile - it's not really that hard but you do have to be mindful and diligent). Women are infertile a lot more often than they are fertile, so if you track, you should be able to fairly safely have sex more than once or twice a month. This is the same method couples use to try to get pregnant, too. There's also spermicidal jelly you can use in conjunction with natural family planning. If you have an oops, there's always Plan B which is much easier to get now (if you're not religiously/morally precluded from using it). 

But, there are SO MANY forms of BC. Best to try them all until you find one that works. The pill did kill my libido. I was young and never thought of trying another kind and my doctor at the time switched to a different specialty, so it never came up again with another doctor. Anyhow, there are copper IUDs also that are completely non-hormonal. Pricey, and usually more of a long-term solution as they are good for up to 10 years, but something to consider.


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