# Need a woman's perspective on this please ...



## Andy78 (Jan 5, 2014)

H folks,

I am a guy but could do with some advice/perspective please from women

I am a 35 year old happily married guy with one kid. I have been with my wife for 13 years and married for 5. All is good in our marriage. Here is the issue......

Ever since I was a teen I knew that I could be attracted to both genders. I have never actually had an experience with another guy and I have always preferred to keep this side of my sexuality as fantasy. I had relationships with women prior to meeting my wife. 

I love my wife very much and I must stress that I have NEVER cheated and I would NEVER cheat on her however I have never spoken to her about the fact that I am able to be attracted to both genders. Up until now it has never worried me as I never saw it as relevant due to the fact that I am 100% committed to out marriage and have no desire to actually be with anyone else. 

I read an article recently about a guy in a similar situation and one reader accused him of deceiving his wife by not discussing it with her. This has made me paranoid. I am now wondering if I need to raise a conversation with her regarding this but am terrified that she will misinterpret it as me wanting to cheat or experiment which is SO not the case. I also worry that she will think I am closeted and using her as a cover - I know that this happens but this is not my situation at all. I also worry that I could affect the stanility of our child as I would really hate that. 

If i had ever felt the need to cheat or experiment then I would definitely have discussed it with her but this has never happened. 

Do you think I should bring it up now and am I being deceitful by not discussing it with her?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hmmm, very interesting question. I can answer in two ways, as a woman/wife or as a fellow human who is fascinated by human behavior.

As a wife, I don't think I would want to know that my H might find this man or that man attractive. Provided this is something you can absolutely go your whole life without exploring, I'd be totally okay with not knowing. In fact, as a wife, I think I might be a tad unsettled for a long while after my H made such an admission.

And that answer includes the knowledge that I am well aware of the sexual spectrum that is normal within those who identify themselves as heterosexual. 

Or maybe because I am aware... As a wife, a heterosexual woman, I have met women over the years that I have found to be attractive and felt a deep connection with them, but that connection just doesn't turn into a sexual attraction because I just like men waaaaaay too much. I don't dislike the idea of sapphic love, it just doesn't turn me on as much as a masculine man does. I get that this would be consistent with many men as well.

But if I was sexually attracted to a woman, or to women in general, I'm not sure I'd be able to face never exploring that. I think this is why I answered the way I did.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Hmmm, very interesting question. I can answer in two ways, as a woman/wife or as a fellow human who is fascinated by human behavior.
> 
> As a wife, *I don't think I would want to know that my H might find this man or that man attractive*. Provided this is something you can absolutely go your whole life without exploring, I'd be totally okay with not knowing. *In fact, as a wife, I think I might be a tad unsettled for a long while after my H made such an admission*.
> 
> ...


This is me underlines, but in reverse (obviously), a good way of rephrasing what I posted to you elsewhere.

And the things in bold, I agree completely.

I have no idea what Sapphic love is. I presume it means she likes blue-stone gems.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Damn auto correct... I think you can figure it out.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I would feel disturbed, especially to learn such a thing so far into the marriage. After a little weirdness, I'd probably brush it off, but then each time I saw an attractive male, I'd be wondering if my DH was contemplating what it would be like to be with a man, or maybe I wouldn't, who would know until they were in that situation.

The worst thing would be feeling like you didn't really know the person you had been living with for the last 13 years.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

I agree. If you have no intention of having an affair/experience I would not tell her. It will only make her question everything that you have together.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'd want to know but then I'd wish I didn't know.

Makes sense,right?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I would have wanted to know from the beginning. Finding out this late into the marriage would be a big mess that could quite possible be a deal breaker.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you're never going to act on it, I'd say it's not something you need to reveal. Only if it begins to affect your relationship in some real way, should it be revealed. I believe we are all allowed our private thoughts and feelings - until they begin to have external, material consequences (IF they ever do).

I could be attracted to world domination (buahahaha!) but since I will never act on it, it can remain a private fantasy.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Human sexuality is a spectrum, and people fall somewhere on it. It's not black and white. 

If you and your wife both believe that's the case, and you have no trouble discussing sexuality and sex, then I don't think she would react badly to learning that you fall somewhere in the bi area of the spectrum. In this case, the added insight would likely bring you closer due to the intimacy of the information and the trust it takes to express it.

But if you already know your wife's thoughts about human sexuality and she believes in black and white, or you have trouble discussing human sexuality together, then you're probably better off keeping this insight to yourself. 

It's not a betrayal if you keep it to yourself since you have no desire to act on anything. It's a private matter that you don't have to reveal to anyone since it doesn't impact anything or change anything.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

norajane said:


> It's not a betrayal if you keep it to yourself since you have no desire to act on anything. It's a private matter that you don't have to reveal to anyone since it doesn't impact anything or change anything.


Maybe I'm alone on this, but for me the thought that my h hides pieces of himself from me because they are private or migt upset me is itself a huge betrayal.

The thought that I don't really know him and will never get to, just makes me feel cut off, emotionally distant, and unwilling to share myself.

Of course, finding out that he's already been hiding from me for years would also upset me ...

I think on balance, I'd rather know than not.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Damn auto correct... I think you can figure it out.


I looked it up. Apparently it's a term for femme-femme lesbianism.

Red cheeked boyfriends tenderly kiss me sweet mouthed
under Boulder coverlets winter springtime
hug me naked laughing & telling girl friends 
gossip til autumn


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Maybe I'm alone on this, but for me the thought that my h hides pieces of himself from me because they are private or migt upset me is itself a huge betrayal.
> 
> The thought that I don't really know him and will never get to, just makes me feel cut off, emotionally distant, and unwilling to share myself.
> 
> ...


If there were a civil war tomorrow, you'd find out all the dark places of people's hearts whom you thought you knew well.

I'm all for people controlling themselves and not feeling compelled to act on all their urges, including the urge to share everything in a relationship. JMO


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## Andy78 (Jan 5, 2014)

I do agree with you Sandfly. I wonder if any of use every really fully know another person and would we really want to know everything??


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Maybe I'm alone on this, but for me the thought that my h hides pieces of himself from me because they are private or migt upset me is itself a huge betrayal.
> 
> The thought that I don't really know him and will never get to, just makes me feel cut off, emotionally distant, and unwilling to share myself.
> 
> ...


I understand what you're saying. I don't see it from your perspective, but I get it.

I believe we are all entitled to our own thoughts and feelings as individuals, and it is our choice what we express to others, even in a marriage. My brain, for good or evil, is all mine!


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

norajane said:


> I believe we are all entitled to our own thoughts and feelings as individuals, and it is our choice what we express to others, even in a marriage. My brain, for good or evil, is all mine!


I understand what you're saying too, but my worry is that it seems a very slippery slope. My lusty (or evil) thoughts are my private business, so why tell my SO any of them? That I've been lying about my past, or my feelings? Or that I'm trawling swinger or dating sites? Or whatever else I'm doing that might disturb their (or my) peace and well-being?

Plus what if SO finds out anyway, 15 years down the line? That's what happened to me, and it crushed me in a way it probably never would have if he'd been honest with me in the first place.

I don't have it in my relationship, but I'm rather intrigued by the idea of radical honesty as a way of building intimacy and trust, as well as encourage self growth ...


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Andy78 said:


> I wonder if any of use every really fully know another person and would we really want to know everything??


Depends on what you mean by this, doesn't it?

If it's predict with 100% accuracy what someone will do in response to a specific situation, then probably not. Not only can they come up with novel solutions, they can change their attitudes, beliefs, and approaches over time. But if you mean know what's in their heart, and what they value and think, then yes, I think you can know people very, vey well. 

Unless they're actively hiding who they really are, of course. Which seems to be the default setting for many (most?) people.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I want to say tell her, because I would like to know something like that about my own husband. But I'm not sure what I would do after finding something like that out. I would probably feel a bit urked honestly and a bit confused by it. But that's me. 

I don't really know what to tell you except, if it's always going to eat you inside, and you feel like you're hiding something from your wife, then tell her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Andy78 said:


> Do you think I should bring it up now and am I being deceitful by not discussing it with her?


Yes and yes. A marriage is supposed to be with two best friends. If you can't tell her the truth, you're not best friends.


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## MarthaMellow (Dec 30, 2013)

I would want to know! I would actually find it endearing that he would feel that comfortable with me to discuss it. I would NOT want him to act on the feeling, but it wouldn't upset me.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

If I was your wife, I would never want to know that....especially since you have a happy marriage and don't plan on experimenting.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I can't help but wonder why this may be taking precedence in your mind now, at this point in your life?

I agree there are variations of attractions and fantasies can simply be that. Only you really know the extent of what this means to you. There's certainly a risk with her reaction. How wonderful if you could find that trust in her though and allow yourself to be open. Is there also a risk to her not knowing; in denying a part of yourself?


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