# I'm torn apart



## jimmer79 (Feb 13, 2015)

Hi all, I caught my wife cheating Jan. 16th. I'm a 35 year old man who has been in a relationship with the same woman for 18 years. I finally married her a little over a year ago. In 18 years I have been completely faithful. We have three beautiful children together, A daughter 17, a son 16, and a 8 year old boy.
I've been with my wife since high school. When we first started dating she was cheating on me with her ex boyfriend for a few months. That really hurt me and took me years to get over but I did get over it.
Im an industrial electrician and make a descent living but about 8 months ago I asked my wife to get a job at a local manufacturing facility in town to help out with finances and help save for our next home purchase. She found a job and things were going great. now I will admit the last couple years I have been distant from my wife, I found out she had been abusing pain pills. I am very against drug users. Her teeth began to decay, she laid in bed all day, so yeah I became distant. I repeatedly tried to help her but she of course denied everything, so she just pushed me away further. We did have a sex life but it was limited to maybe twice a month.
anyways back to the story. 
I work first shift and she works second shift. My hrs. are 7 am to 3 pm and hers were 4 pm to 12 am. the last few weeks leading up to Jan. 16th I started noticing her dolling herself up with makeup ect. and as soon as I would walk in at 3:15 she would say I got to go, her job was a 5 min drive. Basically to sum this all up. I logged onto my cell account and went under the text log for her phone and seen where she had been texting the same number starting at about 2 pm until about 2 am daily for months. She admitted to me it started i8n Nov. and she had sex with him once and performed oral sex twice. The sex she later admitted after I went after this man was had in our family car! It was also unprotected and they were scared she was pregnant! She said she had no feelings for him what so ever . Turns out she isn't pregnant. her lover was more than honest with me after I went after him twice. She is begging for my forgiveness and doesn't want me to leave her.
What should I do? I am so crushed... I will say, (and im not conceited in any way) I am a very good looking man and would not have a problem moving on. I love this woman with all my heart but everytime I look at her I get angry and emotional. I could have cheated on her so many times including with her friends but believe it or not I have morals. I think she knows she messed up because im a very hard working man, a great father, and a devoted husband...But im really not sure anymore...PLEASE HELP!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I've been through betrayal and ended my marriage over it. I ended up regretting that and now we're trying to reconcile. (Not going great). 

It sounds like you really do love her, and contrary to a lot of advice you will receive here, if she's willing to work on it, I'd give her a chance. I wish I'd given my H more of a chance .

Curious...why did you guys wait so long to marry?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Is the OM someone at her work? If yes, why does she still work there?

Has she stopped contacting the OM? Has she been tested for stds? 

How would she feel if you had an A? 

Sorry for your pain. 

Is the OM married? Have you exposed her A to the OM's wife?

Your wife should help you do that. Is your wife really sorry or sorry that she got caught? 

What is she doing to make sure she does not have another A? 

Will she sign the paperwork that if she does this again, that you get custody of the kids and she will pay child support and alimony?

Will she pay for MC or IC?

Did the OM agree that she told the truth about the A?

Has your wife decided to tell your kids about the situation?

Sorry for your pain. 

Has she had more than this A and the one when you were dating? Was the cheating while dating rugswept? Why did she do this to you a second time? (or more if she was not caught)

I think you should not have married her. She did not work long before having an A again. 

She does not respect you. Have you asked her why?

And why should you stay now? I hope she has a good reason but I think she wanted to and if she is not caught will do this again.

Good luck to you.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

The hard truth is that you are now faced with a very difficult decision and either choice is going to be painful. If you leave your family is done and if you stay your going to have an emotional ride of a lifetime. Only you can decide if the mind movies, triggers and anger is worth a shot at saving your family. Notice I didn't say marriage because that is toast, the best you can hope for is something new to rise from the ashes.

You must consider however that in order for any R to work she has to be all in. Not mostly or partly but 100% all in. Anything short of that and the R will not work. If you feel she is sincere and are willing to try again then so be it but she does have a track record of cheating. You may say it's only been twice but when it comes to infidelity once is devastating and anything beyond that is a pattern. Good luck in whatever decision you make.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

No way could I forgive a physical affair.... No ***kin way!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jimmer79 (Feb 13, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I've been through betrayal and ended my marriage over it. I ended up regretting that and now we're trying to reconcile. (Not going great).
> 
> It sounds like you really do love her, and contrary to a lot of advice you will receive here, if she's willing to work on it, I'd give her a chance. I wish I'd given my H more of a chance .
> 
> Curious...why did you guys wait so long to marry?






Years just flew by and things were good, we had talked about it, it just never happened.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

What was her reason to cheat?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, your wife got addicted to pain medication and you decided to "distance" yourself from her? :wtf:

You are "very against drug users?" Again :wtf:

Your wife, the mother of your children, needed you, she needed your help... and did you step up to the batting crease, adjust your pads and wait for the bowler to commence bowling?

Nope. You remained sat on the cricket pavilion veranda, sipping tea and saying: "Who, me? Go to bat? Nah! I'll sit this innings out."

Your wife needs to acknowledge the damage she caused to your marriage by having an affair.

Yet *you* don't get a free pass, either, mate! You must acknowledge what you did wrong that also damaged your marriage in a different way.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

she cheated on you twice in your relationship? man divorce her it has been way more than twice you only know about 2 and she will never stop.


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## jimmer79 (Feb 13, 2015)

harrybrown said:


> Is the OM someone at her work? If yes, why does she still work there?
> 
> Has she stopped contacting the OM? Has she been tested for stds?
> 
> ...






Yes it was a coworker, he lured her in through FB. He has a woman with 2 small children and we have talked, he has done this to his wife 4 times in the last couple years. He told most of the truth and then she admitted. She says she did it because she felt alone and because I was distant. Heres another hard thing im having trouble wit. Christmas eve while I took my boys to visit my dad 20 miles away, she hurried my daughter out the door because she was going to her boyfriends. My daughter said she rushed her out the door. Here I come to find out she was trying to get this guy to come into my home on XMAAS eve to have sex with him!!! he told me this. and she admitted it! he is done with her....


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## jimmer79 (Feb 13, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> So, your wife got addicted to pain medication and you decided to "distance" yourself from her? :wtf:
> 
> You are "very against drug users?" Again :wtf:
> 
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jimmer79 said:


> MattMatt said:
> 
> 
> > So, your wife got addicted to pain medication and you decided to "distance" yourself from her? :wtf:
> ...


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

jimmer79 said:


> Hi all, I caught my wife cheating Jan. 16th. I'm a 35 year old man who has been in a relationship with the same woman for 18 years. I finally married her a little over a year ago. In 18 years I have been completely faithful. We have three beautiful children together, A daughter 17, a son 16, and a 8 year old boy.
> I've been with my wife since high school. When we first started dating she was cheating on me with her ex boyfriend for a few months. That really hurt me and took me years to get over but I did get over it.
> Im an industrial electrician and make a descent living but about 8 months ago I asked my wife to get a job at a local manufacturing facility in town to help out with finances and help save for our next home purchase. She found a job and things were going great. now I will admit the last couple years I have been distant from my wife, I found out she had been abusing pain pills. I am very against drug users. Her teeth began to decay, she laid in bed all day, so yeah I became distant. I repeatedly tried to help her but she of course denied everything, so she just pushed me away further. We did have a sex life but it was limited to maybe twice a month.
> anyways back to the story.
> ...


 Good sir, you being here is not only a sign of not accepting what happened but also shows you in a state of limbo, a realm of indecision. And with the exception of the PA part I know what you are going through. 

It hurts all over, it is cold no matter what, you are not eating or sleeping properly, you are constantly alert, you are tired and drained, your focus at work and with the children is a skewed. 

So take a deep look into your situation. Your wife went astray. Do not accept any excuse she has to offer or blame she tries to adhere to you. It was a choice, a conscious one at that, and she, like all the others, know full well that their spouse will be none too pleased to say the least about finding them in an affair, in any manner or method. 

With her not being home as I am sure she is still working makes it all the much more painful since her leaving for work is a trigger. No matter what she says it will continue to be a problem and she will need to make a shift change or job change to be home more. But before we get to that lets ask you some simple things. 

Is the affair over, make sure as most people who are initially caught will continue and take in underground. Make no mistake, if she or he are hell bent on keeping it going, IT WILL!!??

Are you willing to forgive her? It can be done and despite what most people will say people simply do stupid sh1t. If it is over proceed from here. If she works WITH you and puts alot of effort into fixing the mess she made, remember this, she introduced this not you. Any attempt by her to not accept blame or put forth any effort is a sign she is not interested in fixing your marriage. You can try to wait it out and see how things go and maybe she will change, but so few rarely do who exhibit this behavior. 

For now, even without knowing what to do, segregate your finances, get diligent and document anything as if you were preparing for a war via the Divorce circuit. Collect evidence, give none to her is she asks and protect yourself. You may want to entertain the idea of exposing the affair, especially if the AP has a woman to rat him out to to prevent it from going on any further. You need to make sure the affair is killed, or else all your efforts will be wasted in terms of fixing your marriage. 

Get back in the habit of eating and sleeping. I know it is real fvcking stupid to hear right now but you will be spent well before sportcenter is over in the morning. Take care of yourself. Hobbies and stuff will be hard to do as your head and heart will simply not be into it. 

Now to let you in on a little secret. You are going to get some advice from people here, including me, which you will either not like, think is useful or simply ignore. If she shows no sign of wanting to fix things, or the affair is ongoing do not hesitate. File for Divorce. Yes, File for Divorce. 

It is too complicated to explain the long version of why this may, or will, need to be done. The short version is she made her affair a rational decision by altering her thinking. Once this happens it becomes a reality to her and the threat, no, the act of getting hit with Divorce papers will show them that REAL consequences is at hand for THEIR actions. Do this along with an assertive tour de force of exposure will put her right in the limelight, and in a humiliating way. 

But alas, she may thumb her nose at your Filing and embrace it. Either way you will have your answer sooner rather than later, and with the continual damage coming to an end. But at least you know of an end. Also, run a credit report on her to see if funds outside of your knowledge have been spent elsewhere. You may be surprised, or not. But worth the time to look.

Start here. Do not waste time telling us about her good qualities, or beat yourself up, or how she is a good mother or how things were so great. They currently are not, but they can be again. Start to take action and then come back and let un know what is happening. 

You can do this. You have to do this. Are you ready?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ok. They still working together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

The chances are they have had sex a lot more than once and why would they think she was pregnent after just once and so soon,makes no sence
They were cheating according to you for two months!


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Have you informed his wife/woman about the affair?, if not he is participating as open just for you to not burn him with herm is poissiblde they have more encounters but they just agree to disclose a certain number to have you sort of convinces (I mean you were not gonna believe it was just once encounter in that time so one sex and 2 orals doesn not sound as ban as 3 times a week as normally hapens in this cases when the affairs are new and fresh)

I advice you to stop listen to them and think rationaly in all the times she was not found or went shoping, GNO, or for coffe with friends.

also, you have to tell his wife, she have the right to know for 2 reasons, one so she can finaly break the cycle with this serial cheater, 2 so he have consequences and he stop fu**ing other peoples marriages, he will not estop just because you found he will go a look for someone else's wife


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

O yeah, and there is no way you can allow them to still work together, he is a experiences cheater he propabably knows how to take affairs underground, look for the teminilogy


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## jimmer79 (Feb 13, 2015)

terrence4159 said:


> she cheated on you twice in your relationship? man divorce her it has been way more than twice you only know about 2 and she will never stop.




The first time was when she was 17 when we first started dating and it was her x... so I don't know...


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Married over a year and she starts cheating? It seems that for her, marriage is just a piece of paper. You may want to consider returning to non-marriage and protect yourself.


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## jimmer79 (Feb 13, 2015)

manticore said:


> Have you informed his wife/woman about the affair?, if not he is participating as open just for you to not burn him with herm is poissiblde they have more encounters but they just agree to disclose a certain number to have you sort of convinces (I mean you were not gonna believe it was just once encounter in that time so one sex and 2 orals doesn not sound as ban as 3 times a week as normally hapens in this cases when the affairs are new and fresh)
> 
> I advice you to stop listen to them and think rationaly in all the times she was not found or went shoping, GNO, or for coffe with friends.
> 
> also, you have to tell his wife, she have the right to know for 2 reasons, one so she can finaly break the cycle with this serial cheater, 2 so he have consequences and he stop fu**ing other peoples marriages, he will not estop just because you found he will go a look for someone else's wife





yeah his wife actually caught them before me... she swears on our children that's all it was.....this stuff happened at work during lunch break


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## jimmer79 (Feb 13, 2015)

manticore said:


> O yeah, and there is no way you can allow them to still work together, he is a experiences cheater he propabably knows how to take affairs underground, look for the teminilogy




She quit her job...


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## jimmer79 (Feb 13, 2015)

Tobyboy said:


> What was her reason to cheat?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





She said she was depressed, hated herself, and was looking for attention. Attention that I didn't give her, which I admit I was very distant...


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## jimmer79 (Feb 13, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I've been through betrayal and ended my marriage over it. I ended up regretting that and now we're trying to reconcile. (Not going great).
> 
> It sounds like you really do love her, and contrary to a lot of advice you will receive here, if she's willing to work on it, I'd give her a chance. I wish I'd given my H more of a chance .
> 
> Curious...why did you guys wait so long to marry?





Thank you, I do love her more than words... Im just having a hard time wrapping my head around all of this


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## jimmer79 (Feb 13, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> The hard truth is that you are now faced with a very difficult decision and either choice is going to be painful. If you leave your family is done and if you stay your going to have an emotional ride of a lifetime. Only you can decide if the mind movies, triggers and anger is worth a shot at saving your family. Notice I didn't say marriage because that is toast, the best you can hope for is something new to rise from the ashes.
> 
> You must consider however that in order for any R to work she has to be all in. Not mostly or partly but 100% all in. Anything short of that and the R will not work. If you feel she is sincere and are willing to try again then so be it but she does have a track record of cheating. You may say it's only been twice but when it comes to infidelity once is devastating and anything beyond that is a pattern. Good luck in whatever decision you make.





Thank you, great advice...


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## jimmer79 (Feb 13, 2015)

manticore said:


> Have you informed his wife/woman about the affair?, if not he is participating as open just for you to not burn him with herm is poissiblde they have more encounters but they just agree to disclose a certain number to have you sort of convinces (I mean you were not gonna believe it was just once encounter in that time so one sex and 2 orals doesn not sound as ban as 3 times a week as normally hapens in this cases when the affairs are new and fresh)
> 
> I advice you to stop listen to them and think rationaly in all the times she was not found or went shoping, GNO, or for coffe with friends.
> 
> also, you have to tell his wife, she have the right to know for 2 reasons, one so she can finaly break the cycle with this serial cheater, 2 so he have consequences and he stop fu**ing other peoples marriages, he will not estop just because you found he will go a look for someone else's wife





That has crossed my mind but they both said sex only once and he admitted to me it was unprotected and he accidently went in her...errrrrrrrrr... I wanted o beat him within an inch of his life....ripping him out of his car and bouncing him off the ground just wasn't enough...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dogbert said:


> Married over a year and she starts cheating? It seems that for her, marriage is just a piece of paper. You may want to consider returning to non-marriage and protect yourself.


The "married over a year" is, IMO, a red herring. They have been a "married couple" for the best part of two decades.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> The "married over a year" is, IMO, a red herring. They have been a "married couple" for the best part of two decades.


Matt I've seen couples who lived together for many years and as soon as they get married, one of them blows the marriage apart through infidelity. It seems that in these cases, the marriage was a last ditch attempt to salvage the relationship. Marriage isn't going to save a relationship that has serious issues like the OP's had before he and his WW got hitched.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

is usually unprotected.
sex once is cheater speak meaning sex man times.

oral twice? likewise.

probably, she's cheated more than twice.

have a plan, protect finances, have her served. 

date hotter younger babes who respct marriage and responsibiities...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The choice to stay or go is yours. You can choose either one. Don't feel you should or must go one way or the other.

A very wise member here, absent for a while now, posted a very eloquent essay recommending to just let the cheater go. While it may not be emotionally possible for many, I think there is great wisdom in filing for D even if you prefer to reconcile. You can always stop the D process at any time. The value is in shocking the cheater back into reality.

You'll hear about "the fog" a cheater is in. You'll hear about false reconciliation where if the cheater knows you don't want divorce, they cheater do just barely enough to keep you from divorcing.

The TAM hive will give you excellent advice on how to proceed and what to look for to ensure she is genuine in her efforts. You need to take the lead, rather than react to whatever she chooses to do.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Jimmy,

So you caught her cheating twice. This time she was a full grown adult with children. You are making excuses for her... "You were distant... wow.. " Maybe you did not sit down with her while she was watching the full run of Downton Abbey... I don't blame you.

None of us are perfect. Maybe you should get a C- as a husband... It still doesn't matter. She cheated because she chose to cheat. You did what you did because you chose to do. She DID NOT cheat because of anything you chose.

By the way... Lying goes hand to hand with cheating... She swears on the lives of our children... Pfffttttt whatever. She obviously was not acting with any intgrity when she cheated on you so why are you giving it to her?

He did not lure anyone on FB that did not want to be lured... FB is not the evil deed. That was done between your wife and her 'friend'. OK so this is the second time. Do you think it is only 2? Your decision to do with your life is yours alone. I just want you to have your eyes open when you decide what you want to do.

I am sorry you are here brother. I know the entry fee to this club is very expensive.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Having read this...



jimmer79 said:


> ...she had been texting the same number starting at about 2 pm until about 2 am daily for months.


...I'm inclined to believe that this...



jimmer79 said:


> ...she had sex with him once and performed oral sex twice.


...is an absolute lie.

And, for as long as your wife is lying, you'd be a fool to even consider reconciliation.

Keep digging. There's more.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jimmer79 said:


> Yes it was a coworker, he lured her in through FB. He has a woman with 2 small children and we have talked, he has done this to his wife 4 times in the last couple years. He told most of the truth and then she admitted. She says she did it because she felt alone and because I was distant. Heres another hard thing im having trouble wit. Christmas eve while I took my boys to visit my dad 20 miles away, she hurried my daughter out the door because she was going to her boyfriends. My daughter said she rushed her out the door. Here I come to find out she was trying to get this guy to come into my home on XMAAS eve to have sex with him!!! he told me this. and she admitted it! *he is done with her....*


LOL. Whatever. If you haven't already, be sure to expose the affair to his wife.

Oh, and your wife needs to get a new job. Like 5 minutes ago yesterday.

Last week.

ETA: Just read the following...



jimmer79 said:


> yeah his wife actually caught them before me... *she swears on our children that's all it was*.....this stuff happened at work during lunch break





jimmer79 said:


> She quit her job...


And by the way, the part in red above pretty much screams, "I'm lying! There's more! Way, way, waaaaay more!!!"


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Your wife lied about drug use, forsaking all others and you think she is telling the truth now? I doubt it very much.

Stop making excuses for her
Get tested for STDs if this hasn't been done, both of you.
Speak to a lawyer to find out what your options are.
Do a hard 180 and do it for you.
Keep digging, I doubt you have all of the information.
Take care of yourself and focus on you and the kids.
Find a good IC
If you want to R- find a good MC. 
You can check your options with a lawyer while figuring out your future.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you and your old lady addressed the question with regard to the next time the both of you get into a "funk" and distance between the two of you starts to grow?

How will she cope?

I suggest you insist on individual counseling for your old lady so to address her issues.....#1 her addictions to drugs and attention from other men and #2 affair proofing the marriage in the future.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I also think that in order for you old lady to "get better" she needs to come clean.

She needs to know that if you do forgive her you need to know what you are forgiving her for!

In short....."you only caught her twice"....it's time she get the monkey off her back and clear up some of those GNO were she spent the night at a "friends" house.

It's time she faces her demons and starts to be honest with her self and you.......that's a start!

Sorry , but this infidelity crap is just one big iceberg. There is always more to it.

If you guys don't open up this can of worms and get the tools to prevent this shyt in the future then it's just a matter of time it happens again. 


One more thing....you might want to trade in that car!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why was your wife hooked on legal prescription medicines?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> So, your wife got addicted to pain medication and you decided to "distance" yourself from her? :wtf:
> 
> You are "very against drug users?" Again :wtf:
> 
> ...


 You are attacking him for his wife being a drug user behind his back ? have you finally lost it?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

jimmer79 said:


> yeah his wife actually caught them before me... she swears on our children that's all it was.....this stuff happened at work during lunch break


She also lies a lot, if you have noticed... Months into a job and she starts cheating...

You loving her is just not enough to make this work...


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

jimmer79 said:


> She said she was depressed, hated herself, and was looking for attention. Attention that I didn't give her, which I admit I was very distant...


She did it because she wanted to and is selfish.

They probably had more sex than they are admitting. She liked it, she liked him, she is lying to you because she is sorry she got caught. 

She is not remorseful, and she does not respect you, look what she did to you. she did not confess. 

Sorry for your situation.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

jimmer79 said:


> yeah his wife actually caught them before me... she swears on our children that's all it was.....this stuff happened at work during lunch break


And she never stopped cheating?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She's a drug addict and now a cheater. Good luck with that.

Swearing on ones children lives, parents lives/graves is so common here( and tells us its even worse) that it has become a joke.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

They probably had sex more than twice.

She needs to go to NA. 

BrokenShadow and GutPunch both dealt with opiate addiction and cheating.

You need to be strong now, regardless of how your marriage goes.

Ask your wife to write up a time line of the entire affair. Tell her that spilling her guts will help you both to see what you can rebuild your marriage upon.

Read Road Scholar. Hard to Detach is another good thread


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## jimmer79 (Feb 13, 2015)

IIJokerII said:


> Good sir, you being here is not only a sign of not accepting what happened but also shows you in a state of limbo, a realm of indecision. And with the exception of the PA part I know what you are going through.
> 
> It hurts all over, it is cold no matter what, you are not eating or sleeping properly, you are constantly alert, you are tired and drained, your focus at work and with the children is a skewed.
> 
> ...





Thank you Joker, Yes the affair is over. I am 100% sure of that. She is very remorseful and admits responsibility . She is begging me for forgiveness and wants to save our marriage at any cost. The affair started via facebook in Nov, and lasted until she was caught Jan. 16. She swears on our children she was trying to meet up with him the day I caught her to tell him it was over, I find that very ironic and hard to believe but she swears. also, she said they only had sex 1 time and it lasted aout 30 seconds. She has admitted everything and has even included details. oral sex was twice. All of this occurred at work during breaks. She quit her job also to save this. Your right on about not eating or sleeping.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

jimmer79 said:


> Thank you Joker, Yes the affair is over. I am 100% sure of that. She is very remorseful and admits responsibility . She is begging me for forgiveness and wants to save our marriage at any cost. The affair started via facebook in Nov, and lasted until she was caught Jan. 16. She swears on our children she was trying to meet up with him the day I caught her to tell him it was over, I find that very ironic and hard to believe but she swears. also, she said they only had sex 1 time and it lasted aout 30 seconds. She has admitted everything and has even included details. oral sex was twice. All of this occurred at work during breaks. She quit her job also to save this. Your right on about not eating or sleeping.


Schedule a polygraph. I bet she'll agree to one, but confess more at the parking lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You are attacking him for his wife being a drug user behind his back ? have you finally lost it?


I have not lost it. But OP stated because his wife got hooked on pain meds he "distanced" himself from her. Whatever THAT means. The mother of his children.

His description of his actions is not good.

She is 100% responsible for her actions. He is 100% responsible for his actions.

Even without her cheating they needed counselling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

jimmer79 said:


> Thank you Joker, Yes the affair is over. I am 100% sure of that. She is very remorseful and admits responsibility . She is begging me for forgiveness and wants to save our marriage at any cost. The affair started via facebook in Nov, and lasted until she was caught Jan. 16. She swears on our children she was trying to meet up with him the day I caught her to tell him it was over, I find that very ironic and hard to believe but she swears. also, she said they only had sex 1 time and it lasted aout 30 seconds. She has admitted everything and has even included details. oral sex was twice. All of this occurred at work during breaks. She quit her job also to save this. Your right on about not eating or sleeping.


 Do not lether bolster your ego with her efforts, be receptice yet dismiss the "Good" feeling of her trying to fill you in. Beleive none of what you hear and less than half of what ou will see. Her statement about breaking off just before getting caught is the traditional minimalist impact approach. She will for now only admit to what you caugh her in and nothing more. 

And because of this you must be full on gaurd mode. Make sure any, every and all moehods of communication is open to you to look at at a moments notice. If she resists even the slighest then she is still hiding something. Swearing on your kids is useless. I can swear on your kids as well as you can swear on mine. It is just words. Use your brain in conjunction with you heart and you will get thru his.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> She's a drug addict and now a cheater. Good luck with that.
> 
> Swearing on ones children lives, parents lives/graves is so common here( and tells us its even worse) that it has become a joke.


I was addicted to an opiate pain killer because my doctor over prescribed them.

And that's true of many people I suspect.

Presumably the WS had a legit reason for needing the drugs in the first place?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

jimmer79 said:


> Thank you, great advice...


Folks keep saying that your wife cheated "twice" (that you know of)

I disagree. While she may have gotten involved in an affair "twice", she made multiple decisions to have sexual relationships with someone who wasn't her husband. Each time she planned these encounters and had ample time to think about her actions. Where were her thoughts then about how great a husband and father you are? This is not a case of a one night drakes mistake. This involved planning, deceit and a concerted effort to keep this going. Think about the time and effort she put into getting herself "dolled" up for this guy. 

This woman has shown you on two separate occasions she has little respect for you and each time you have taken her back. What has she learned from this? That you love her so deeply that you will forgive any and all transgressions?

Look, I wouldn't blame you for wanting to save the marriage but as many have said, it should be your wife who does all the heavy lifting to save the marriage.

Have you made mistakes? Yes you have and you own those mistakes and need to play a role in fixing them moving forward.

Truth be told, I really don't have a perfect answer for you. You just need to go down this road with both eyes open


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

One other thing....Please stop saying they only had sex once. Oral sex IS sex


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## jimmer79 (Feb 13, 2015)

Toffer said:


> One other thing....Please stop saying they only had sex once. Oral sex IS sex



Thanks Toffer. I guess its just hard to realize all this. Its hard being 35 yrs old and the only person you've been with your whole adult life is the woman who has hurt you... I guess im afraid of change. I suffer from low self esteem obviously, im afraid of being alone...


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

jimmer79 said:


> Thanks Toffer. I guess its just hard to realize all this. Its hard being 35 yrs old and the only person you've been with your whole adult life is the woman who has hurt you... I guess im afraid of change. I suffer from low self esteem obviously, im afraid of being alone...


 No dude, you do not have low self esteem, you just had it recently deflated but at one time was at a good point, probably stagnant but good nonetheless. Being the same age and almost length of time in my soon to end marriage I can more than relate. 

Truth is you do have choices, the bad part is they all suck. If not for having children it's be easy to walk away but you can't because of this tie and there is nothing worse than trying to place nice with someone you find you can not tolerate. Everyone is afraid of change in one form or another so process the fear and push forward. 

Despite all this what you need is focused aggression. Not anger or a temper but aggression. You can be aggressive in you boundaries, expectations and consequences without being an a55hole about it. If you are indeed going to lose her then at the least make it on your own terms. Reconciliation and Divorce is only dived by choice. Which one are you prepared to make as either decision will take courage and commitment and lots of hard work. 

Take some time and see which one you are prepared to traverse.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I have not lost it. But OP stated because his wife got hooked on pain meds he "distanced" himself from her. Whatever THAT means. The mother of his children.
> 
> His description of his actions is not good.
> 
> ...


Ok, Maybe you didn't lose it, but you certainly lost me - what exactly does this have to do with her infidelity?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cpacan said:


> Ok, Maybe you didn't lose it, but you certainly lost me - what exactly does this have to do with her infidelity?


Nothing at all.

But it seems that there are more problems in their marriage than her being a cheater.

And in those kind of situations the couple needs to own their own stuff (nearly said something else, there!) so that *all* the problems can be addressed and the marriage saved or a civilised divorce worked out.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Nothing at all.
> 
> But it seems that there are more problems in their marriage than her being a cheater.
> 
> And in those kind of situations the couple needs to own their own stuff (nearly said something else, there!) so that *all* the problems can be addressed and the marriage saved or a civilised divorce worked out.


 Good point Matt to the second power, My Wifes infidelity allowed me to take a step back without a choice to see ALL the problems in my marriage and household. Domestic Violence, Abuse, domestic apathy and so on, that after the Stockholm sydrome wears off that I will one day be beyond thankful of its end.....OF course that day is a long way's away!!!


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Nothing at all.
> 
> But it seems that there are more problems in their marriage than her being a cheater.
> 
> And in those kind of situations the couple needs to own their own stuff (nearly said something else, there!) so that *all* the problems can be addressed and the marriage saved or a civilised divorce worked out.


Exactly! He should shelve the infidelity talk while we do a deep dive into why he shunned his drug-addicted wife! Just forget about the cheating for now, there's more important things to discuss!

/sarc


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> Exactly! He should shelve the infidelity talk while we do a deep dive into why he shunned his drug-addicted wife! Just forget about the cheating for now, there's more important things to discuss!
> 
> /sarc


Not what I am saying. Not at all.

*He distanced himself from his wife.*

What does that mean? I asked OP, but he hasn't answered it so far.

So, what does that mean, exactly? He ignored her? Wasn't there for her? Did a full 180 on her?

It sounds to me that the wheels on the marital bus were already falling off. It seemed a race between his "distancing" and her cheating to see who could blow the f**k out of their marriage.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Jimmer,

The situation is horrible, but look at the bright side: you will survive; you will not allow your WW cheating to define you as a loser; you will not allow fear of the unknown to cripple you. By being strong, faking it if necessary, you will come out okay.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

He ONLY penetrated her vagina ONCE that you know of. They worked together for how long? They had the hots for each other, and yet only f'ed around ONE time? I'm sorry, but I wouldn't believe anything she said about the number of times they were, uh, "intimate." Could have been dozens of times, for all you know. Nothing like a little nooky to spice up those lunch breaks. You don't deserve this, my friend, not even a little bit.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Not what I am saying. Not at all.
> 
> *He distanced himself from his wife.*
> 
> ...


I see. You're saying it's his fault she cheated. Gotcha. I of course disagree with you, I don't think him distancing himself from his drug addicted wife is any excuse for her to go **** someone else. I think if she had a problem with him distancing himself from her there where a lot of other things she could have done rather than climbing on an available penis.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Nucking Futs said:


> I see. You're saying it's his fault she cheated. Gotcha. I of course disagree with you, I don't think him distancing himself from his drug addicted wife is any excuse for her to go **** someone else. I think if she had a problem with him distancing himself from her there where a lot of other things she could have done rather than climbing on an available penis.


:iagree:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> I see. You're saying it's his fault she cheated. Gotcha. I of course disagree with you, I don't think him distancing himself from his drug addicted wife is any excuse for her to go **** someone else. I think if she had a problem with him distancing himself from her there where a lot of other things she could have done rather than climbing on an available penis.


If you can show me a direct quote where I said he was responsible for her cheating I will Paypal you $100. Only you can't, can you?

Because I never said that. Did I?

*In fact I said she was responsible for her affair.*

Which part of that did you have problems comprehending? :scratchhead:

Or are you turning into the type of poster who only reads what they want to read and eschews reality for replying to stuff they never said?

I will repeat what I said: 


> Your wife needs to acknowledge the damage she caused to your marriage by having an affair.


and


> She is 100% responsible for her actions.


Still puzzled how you could mangle those two posts and make them say:


> You're saying it's his fault she cheated.


Oh, wait! I see what you are doing! And good job, too. Until I caught it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

altawa said:


> :iagree:


You do realise you are agreeing with a straw man argument? Because I never actually said what I was accused of saying.

I didn't justify my own (revenge) affair so I am certainly not going to justify someone else's affair. Am I?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> You do realise you are agreeing with a straw man argument? Because I never actually said what I was accused of saying.
> 
> I didn't justify my own (revenge) affair so I am certainly not going to justify someone else's affair. Am I?


No, you never directly said it. You did imply it by trying to shift the focus from the infidelity to what you clearly deemed to be more important. So if you don't want to give the impression that you're blame shifting here, stop trying to distract from the infidelity.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> No, you never directly said it. You did imply it by trying to shift the focus from the infidelity to what you clearly deemed to be more important. So if you don't want to give the impression that you're blame shifting here, stop trying to distract from the infidelity.


So. You admitted you accused me of something I didn't do? Because I didn't even imply it.

Well, I accept your apology.

I'll explain my point of view by way of an analogy:- 

Fixing a marriage damaged by infidelity by one spouse is a noble aim. As is organising a divorce if that's what the BS feels they need.

But fixing one aspect of a broken marriage when there is more than one problem is like when a bus loses two wheels, and deciding to only replace the most important wheel. Because no matter how good a job you do, the bloody bus still isn't going to get anywhere. Is it?


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

jimmer79 said:


> She swears on our children she was trying to meet up with him the day I caught her to tell him it was over.


Waywards seem to like this expression. I’m not sure way they think it carries any weight. Cheaters have to lie to do what they do and to save themselves. 

So why would anyone give their words any more credibility when they swear on their children’s life? Is there some vengeful spirit that kills a kid when a parent swears on their life and lies?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Graywolf2 said:


> Waywards seem to like this expression. I’m not sure way they think it carries any weight. Cheaters have to lie to do what they do and to save themselves.
> 
> So why would anyone give their words any more credibility when they swear on their children’s life? Is there some vengeful spirit that kills a kid when a parent swears on their life and lies?


I must admit I hate it when a parent does this. Even if they are not a cheater. It sends a shiver down my spine.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> So. You admitted you accused me of something I didn't do? Because I didn't even imply it.
> 
> Well, I accept your apology.
> 
> ...


I did not and will not apologize, and you absolutely emphasized what he did over what she did. Note the bold and enlarged parts of this quote, the parts that _you_ emphasized:



MattMatt said:


> Not what I am saying. Not at all.
> 
> *He distanced himself from his wife.*
> 
> ...


I'm calling you on it because I want you to stop focusing on that and focus on the infidelity. One thing at a time.

There is no point in discussing the way he distanced himself from his wife until the infidelity is worked out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> I did not and will not apologize, and you absolutely emphasized what he did over what she did. Note the bold and enlarged parts of this quote, the parts that _you_ emphasized:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You are not calling me on anything. You are making a spectacle of yourself.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Jimmer 79
I am still married to my wife of 40 years. I am ASD and unlike Matt
Matt's wife my characteristic is loyalty and commitment. Three years ago, while I was suffering heart failure, kidney failure and all but dead she had an affair. I still can't understand why and how she could do it. I can't get over it because he is dead and I so what to expose them to his company, ex wife and family. I want to tell my son, but he would cut her off from the grandchildren she dearly loves. Her family, as time would show is full of cheaters, 3 of five of her brothers and sisters. all her nieces are serial cheaters. Of the three nephews all three treat women like sh*t but only two of the were cheaters.
Her remorse is palpable, she begs for my forgiveness. She cannot stand the pain she has caused me. She wants to have sex with me but I can't touch her. She cheated for ten months, saw her lover 15 times for sex only and I ask her, were the orgasms and squirting worth it. They took pictures of each other had fifteen pages of talk on the internet, so I have no illusions. She says he wanted it all so he could masturbate. it destroys her.
My heart and the gaps of thinking and my tendency to loyalty say stay, but I cannot understand, I cannot forget, I cannot forgive, but I cannot leave.
If you hope to heal, hope to reconcile hope to go on together you must get your head around it, face it and in time decide what you must do. I`m so sorry it happened to you and hope you can do a better job than I am


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Thinkitthrough said:


> Jimmer 79
> I am still married to my wife of 40 years. I am ASD and unlike Matt
> Matt's wife my characteristic is loyalty and commitment. Three years ago, while I was suffering heart failure, kidney failure and all but dead she had an affair. I still can't understand why and how she could do it. I can't get over it because he is dead and I so what to expose them to his company, ex wife and family. I want to tell my son, but he would cut her off from the grandchildren she dearly loves. Her family, as time would show is full of cheaters, 3 of five of her brothers and sisters. all her nieces are serial cheaters. Of the three nephews all three treat women like sh*t but only two of the were cheaters.
> Her remorse is palpable, she begs for my forgiveness. She cannot stand the pain she has caused me. She wants to have sex with me but I can't touch her. She cheated for ten months, saw her lover 15 times for sex only and I ask her, were the orgasms and squirting worth it. They took pictures of each other had fifteen pages of talk on the internet, so I have no illusions. She says he wanted it all so he could masturbate. it destroys her.
> ...


Damn, that... I don't know if I could forgive that level of infidelity.

My best wishes to you in your attempt.

You will be in my prayers.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Graywolf2 said:


> Waywards seem to like this expression. I’m not sure way they think it carries any weight. Cheaters have to lie to do what they do and to save themselves.
> 
> So why would anyone give their words any more credibility when they swear on their children’s life? Is there some vengeful spirit that kills a kid when a parent swears on their life and lies?


I was going to say this. Swearing on bibles, children's lives, mother, father, etc... Almost positively indicates they are lying and it is important that they aren't questioned further.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thinkitthrough said:


> Jimmer 79
> I am still married to my wife of 40 years. I am ASD and unlike Matt
> Matt's wife my characteristic is loyalty and commitment. Three years ago, while I was suffering heart failure, kidney failure and all but dead she had an affair. I still can't understand why and how she could do it. I can't get over it because he is dead and I so what to expose them to his company, ex wife and family. I want to tell my son, but he would cut her off from the grandchildren she dearly loves. Her family, as time would show is full of cheaters, 3 of five of her brothers and sisters. all her nieces are serial cheaters. Of the three nephews all three treat women like sh*t but only two of the were cheaters.
> Her remorse is palpable, she begs for my forgiveness. She cannot stand the pain she has caused me. She wants to have sex with me but I can't touch her. She cheated for ten months, saw her lover 15 times for sex only and I ask her, were the orgasms and squirting worth it. They took pictures of each other had fifteen pages of talk on the internet, so I have no illusions. She says he wanted it all so he could masturbate. it destroys her.
> ...


Get help and get out. You are in an extremely unhealthy place and your condition is hurting you terribly here. Has she had ANY repercussions?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

jimmer79 said:


> Thank you Joker, Yes the affair is over. I am 100% sure of that. She is very remorseful and admits responsibility . She is begging me for forgiveness and wants to save our marriage at any cost. The affair started via facebook in Nov, and lasted until she was caught Jan. 16. She swears on our children she was trying to meet up with him the day I caught her to tell him it was over, I find that very ironic and hard to believe but she swears. also, she said they only had sex 1 time and it lasted aout 30 seconds. She has admitted everything and has even included details. oral sex was twice. All of this occurred at work during breaks. She quit her job also to save this. Your right on about not eating or sleeping.


There is an inside joke in this forum about cheaters swearing on their kids. Every time it ended up that they were lying about it even when they were swearing on the kids. I am not overstating the "everytime" thing..


Also, the rest of the details are a lie. Those lies that she told you are so common and cliche, that I won't even try to prove you wrong. Just read a few thread on this forum. Her intent might not be malice but she is still lying


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> There is an inside joke in this forum about cheaters swearing on their kids. Every time it ended up that they were lying about it even when they were swearing on the kids. I am not overstating the "everytime" thing..
> 
> 
> Also, the rest of the details are a lie. Those lies that she told you are so common and cliche, that I won't even try to prove you wrong. Just read a few thread on this forum. Her intent might not be malice but she is still lying


_Swearing on the children's lives.

They ONLY had sex one time(Like if it were even true, it's something that they should be commended for).

You caught me just before I was going to break it off with the OM/OW._



These are the top 3 lies on the WS's hit parade.

It's amazing how they all seem to think so much a like each other.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

jimmer79 said:


> Hi all, I caught my wife cheating Jan. 16th. I'm a 35 year old man who has been in a relationship with the same woman for 18 years. I finally married her a little over a year ago. In 18 years I have been completely faithful. We have three beautiful children together, A daughter 17, a son 16, and a 8 year old boy.


 Since you raised children and lived a normal life together for many years without being married, and since she decided to cheat after only being married a little over a year ago, have you thought of getting a divorce while staying together like you did before you were married? The divorce would be a consequence for her cheating, and would protect you financially should she cheat again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TRy said:


> Since you raised children and lived a normal life together for many years without being married, and since she decided to cheat after only being married a little over a year ago, have you thought of getting a divorce while staying together like you did before you were married? The divorce would be a consequence for her cheating, and would protect you financially should she cheat again.


That would be a good move. Or maybe a postnup?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If you catch her cheating one year after getting married, begging the OM to come to your home while your are gone and wanting to screw him in your bed; does this not beg the following question?
What would make you think she has not cheated on you previously and put your health at risk for STD's?
1. Get a paternity test for your children.
2. Get an STD test
3. Get a lawyer.

If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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