# Why does she feel "pressure"?



## 20years (Mar 8, 2010)

My wife and I we are in our mid forties with two teenage sons. We only have sex about once a month on average. Sometimes she will pleasure me with her hand in between. When we do have sex she usually prefaces it with "Ok let get it over with" "don't get crazy" "make it fast or something like that. Every few months we have a blast and and the sex is really good so I know that if she gives me half a chance I can please her and give her an orgasm. She has said things to me like "sometimes I feel like it and sometimes I don't. Please don't get mad at me when I don't." I have suggested lovemaking I have tried politely asking, cuddling, giving a massage, and many other ways mostly without success. i have tried asking a lot and I have tried not asking at all. I have tried scheduling romantic weekends and I have tried to be spontaneous. The other daywe were discussing our plans for the rest of the day. Our boys were out so I said in the most non agressive manner I could muster, "if you want, we could go upstairs and fool around or just cuddle but if you don't want to that's ok" Her response was "don't pressure me." Can someone tell me how I can express my desires without make her feel pressured?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why doesn't she like sex with you? Until you figure that out this isn't going to change. Don't tell me she likes it when you actually do it. That is magical thinking. 

Come up with ANY other activity that is free, and doesn't take more than an hour where you would believe her if she told you that she really likes it - but does it so rarely. 

Her lack of desire could be based on how you two interact outside the bedroom or inside the bedroom or both. Only she knows. 




20years said:


> My wife and I we are in our mid forties with two teenage sons. We only have sex about once a month on average. Sometimes she will pleasure me with her hand in between. When we do have sex she usually prefaces it with "Ok let get it over with" "don't get crazy" "make it fast or something like that. Every few months we have a blast and and the sex is really good so I know that if she gives me half a chance I can please her and give her an orgasm. She has said things to me like "sometimes I feel like it and sometimes I don't. Please don't get mad at me when I don't." I have suggested lovemaking I have tried politely asking, cuddling, giving a massage, and many other ways mostly without success. i have tried asking a lot and I have tried not asking at all. I have tried scheduling romantic weekends and I have tried to be spontaneous. The other daywe were discussing our plans for the rest of the day. Our boys were out so I said in the most non agressive manner I could muster, "if you want, we could go upstairs and fool around or just cuddle but if you don't want to that's ok" Her response was "don't pressure me." Can someone tell me how I can express my desires without make her feel pressured?


----------



## 20years (Mar 8, 2010)

Maybe I sound like someone who is just too thick to get it but I really believe that we have a good relationship. we spend a lot of time together. we like taking walks, bike rides, shopping, and many other things together. Every once in a while, when we are in bed she actually initiates sex. If she didn't like it why would she initiate? Also (at the risk of being the guy who says I'm good lover)there are times when I can tell that she is excited. There are times when she goes through the motions but there are other times that its like when we were 25. My wife isn't one to hold back how she feels. She has told me many times that she just doesn't hve the desire that she used to. I'm looking for a suggestion as to how to discuss this with her without making her feel like I am demanding sex.


----------



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Is she overwhelmed in some other part of her life or depressed? I only ask because, like you described your wife, I had the same reaction to sex with my husband over the past few years when I was dealing with a huge stress load and, unbeknownst to me, depression. I love my husband, find him COMPLETELY HOT, and would sometimes crave sex, but it was usually fleeting. It felt like "work," and not the wonderful escape that it once did. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy it when we'd have it -- because I sure did! And I enjoyed pleasing my husband. But when the world felt like it was on my shoulders and I was stuck in under a massive immovable rock, I was exhausted and didn't feel like I could muster the energy for sex. I had to figure out MY problems and work on them before I rediscovered my libido.

Maybe there's something else going on with her mentally and emotionally -- even if it has nothing to do with you. It's certainly not fair to you and you seem to be very understanding. But maybe there's another stressor that's causing sex to be last on her list?


----------



## 20years (Mar 8, 2010)

Wow some of what you say really sounds like what my wife is going through. In the past she has been reluctant to face the issue of depression but some issues lately have been making it more likely that she will seek help. if I may ask: when you weren't able to muster the energy for sex, how did your husband deal with that? I want to support her but sometimes I'm just so horny I need some release. How can I ask her wihout alienating her?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Is she on the pill?

What was your sex life like 5 years ago, 10 years ago? When did it really drop? 

Something is profoundly broken in your interaction if your simple request to "connect" gets a "don't pressure me" response. That is not fair, and not considerate. In fact it is totally selfish of her. If I ask for sex and W doesn't want to she simply says "would it be ok if we connect tomorrow?" and then she follows through. She also might apologize for not being in the mood. Just as I would if the situation were reversed.

By the way - the difference between marriages with good/great sex lives and those that are bad is very often simply this: In a highly sexual marriage, the lower drive person is completely ok with the idea of letting their high drive partner "get them aroused" even when they are starting out not feeling any "desire". 

The sex folks say that for high drive people it goes like this:
- desire
- arousal 
- orgasm

For low drive people it is generally that they don't start out feeling desire. But they are able to relax and let their partner SLOWLY get them aroused in a way that feels nice. 

My W feels desire 1-2 days a month. We have sex 8-10 times a month, more if I want it. But the times she is not starting out feeling desire - she is "sexually neutral" I start with a non sexual massage and then slowly make it more sexual and that works great for both of us. 





20years said:


> Maybe I sound like someone who is just too thick to get it but I really believe that we have a good relationship. we spend a lot of time together. we like taking walks, bike rides, shopping, and many other things together. Every once in a while, when we are in bed she actually initiates sex. If she didn't like it why would she initiate? Also (at the risk of being the guy who says I'm good lover)there are times when I can tell that she is excited. There are times when she goes through the motions but there are other times that its like when we were 25. My wife isn't one to hold back how she feels. She has told me many times that she just doesn't hve the desire that she used to. I'm looking for a suggestion as to how to discuss this with her without making her feel like I am demanding sex.


----------



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Well, my husband loves porn, so that's always been a decent way for him to get there with his friend, Rosie Palm. I share an interest in porn as well, so it didn't bother me when he'd look at the pretty ladies to take care of his much-needed release. I'd often even help by being in the room with him and kissing his neck, etc. -- wasn't as much "work" for me, but my husband still got the benefit.

HOWEVER, after years of neglecting my poor husband due to my own issues, I'm now on these boards for a reason -- my husband had finally had enough and decided that he didn't think he could take it anymore. We're having other issues as well, but the big one was my sole dedication to my high stress, dead-end but all-demanding job which resulted in me being depressed, nasty, angry, irritated and energy-zapped all of the time. Not fun being married to me. I finally woke up about 6 weeks ago and realized that I didn't recognize the stranger I saw in the mirror, but it was only in time for my husband to reach his breaking point. He is fed up, full of anger and resentment toward me, and feels numb toward me. We're now in counseling and trying to see if we can salvage our marriage. Because I've been working on myself (both self-help and with a private counselor) I feel "back to life" and with it my libido has return. Sadly, my husband wants nothing but distance right now.

My point with all of this is -- if you love your wife and you want your marriage, see if you can talk with her about those things that are weighing so heavily her shoulders. If she'll go to counseling, get her there. Her problems may have nothing to do with you, but it is affecting you and that's so unfair. But she may not realize how badly her disposition is affecting you -- I sure didn't. The sex is a major part for you, but may be the hardest thing for her to be enthusiastic about if she's feeling stuck under a rock like I was. If you can help her to work on and alleviate some of her other issues, the sex and affection may come back to you ten-fold. I wish my husband had every sat me down to say, "Honey, I'm concerned about you and your happiness. I notice that you seem to be having a rough time at life right now and don't have that same zest you once did... What can I do to help? Would you be open to seeing a counselor?" Or something like that... My husband never said anything to me until he felt like he was done. If I'd known how much it affected him or that he would help me out of my "funk," I think we wouldn't have gotten this far.

Please let me know if you have any other questions. Feel free to PM me if you want... happy to share insight if you need it. If I can help you avoid getting to the place where my husband is -- and our marriage is -- I'll gladly tell all.


----------



## 20years (Mar 8, 2010)

Hopeful1 said:


> I share an interest in porn as well, so it didn't bother me when he'd look at the pretty ladies to take care of his much-needed release. I'd often even help by being in the room with him and kissing his neck, etc. -- wasn't as much "work" for me, but my husband still got the benefit.
> .


Not an option but thanks for the idea abyway. I will take your advice though about talking to her.


----------

