# my wife's emotional friend



## struggling_husband (Jun 5, 2013)

About two weeks ago, I was sitting at my wife's desk and her iPhone was on it and I saw, right on the home screen, a full on, pretty erotic text conversation with a friend of her's.

The conversation talked about

1. How much they loved each other.
2. How much they were excited to build a relationship together.
3. He said that she was " overstimulating" him and he was having a hard time focusing.
4. She said that she was "just learning" and needed to "take it slow".

I hit the floor in a Panic that night, my wife had a long, hours of conversation. She admitted to:

1. Emotionally Cheating on me.
2. Kissing and hugging him on trail hikes and other outings while I was at work.
3. Going on 6 - 7 hikes with him.

I asked her if she had slept with him or if he had been to my house, she said no.

Since then, I've looked at a lot of txt messages from her phone backup file and found that they have been texting their love for each other for many, many months, perhaps 5 or 6.

This has been 50% my fault since I was drinking too heavily and emotionally unavailable to my wife and three kids while at home. I've been going to a psychiatrist about some of my issues and was making very good progress. 

Since I found these texts and we had a our talks, I haven't had a drink and I work out and am 110% better at home. We are hiking together and having lunch together, I haven't felt this connected to her in years.

My problem is that I still have severe paranoia that she may be seeing this guy or texting with him. She has told me that she isn't, and I believe her.

I contacted him (I know him as well, but she is her friend and co-worker from prior company) I asked him to sit down with me for coffee, he never got back to me until my wife asked him to. He emailed me. and he accused me of spying on her, and said there was nothing more than a few "I love you's" in the txt messages and they she and her were very good friends and I was never going to stop that friendship.

He got her a job where he works and she (and I) are very grateful, plus she really relies on his experience and advise at work in order to excel at what she does. She loves her new job.

Half the time, I feel better with my wife and kids than ever, half the time I have tremendous anxiety that I am being cheated on. I've had some very rough nights of no sleep, and am having a hard time doing my job.

Any advise?

What do I do with this guy? I freaking hate him, but we need him to help my wife with her career (She is just going back to the workforce after being gone for 5-7 years).


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

read the link at the bottom of my post, it's for newbies....really take the time to read it, will help you more than you know.

You will be ok, you will...speaking from experience here, it may seem like your going to die and the world is going to end, but you wont and its not.


Sorry you are here.

PS, her kissing another man is not 1% your fault it's 100% on her no matter what you did or didn't do 100% on her.

There is now way in hell she should be working with him NONE!!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If they still work together you really don't have a chance she has to quit jmo. 5or 6 month's of texts professing love to each other it was physical.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I love you's" in the txt messages and they she and her were very good friends and I was never going to stop that friendship. BS on this she has to quit and tell him to buzz off.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

no her cheating is not 50% your fault
it is 0% your fault
just like your drinking is 0% her fault
she could have done a myriad of things in response to your drinking and neglect, cheating is not a proper answer to it


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

From what you have written it is pretty clear that they have probably had sex already. By the way, if the roles were reversed would your wife accept such humiliation and disrespect from you?

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. What she is doing is showing massive disrespect to you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Chances are very high it's been physical for quite a while (is that a dealbreaker for you?). You can count on lies (lots of lies) from her and him regarding their relationship. 

The fact that he is challenging you for her and accusing you of snooping tells me a lot. He's into her in a big way. 

I recommend you get a voice-activated recorder (VAR) and put it in her car. Key log the computer if you can (all of this without her knowledge). 

I agree that cheating is all on her and drinking is all on you. 

I think at some point, if you really want to work on this marriage, she is going to have to come clean. And I don't think that she is even close to telling you what's really going on. Be wary


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

This guy is a pRick and has no respect for you or your marriage. You told him to back off and he said no. Well, is he single or married? He needs to be exposed. Secondly, your wife does not have to work there. That's too bad for her and him. If she had one ounce of remorse, she would tell you she can not work with him.

You will likely find out that her admitting to kissing him is just the start of what we call here as trickle truthing. You will likely get more info in the next few weeks beacuse you will get advise on various reconnaissance methods including a VAR.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

_I contacted him (I know him as well, but she is her friend and co-worker from prior company) I asked him to sit down with me for coffee, he never got back to me until my wife asked him to. He emailed me. and he accused me of spying on her, and said there was nothing more than a few "I love you's" in the txt messages and they she and her were very good friends and I was never going to stop that friendship._

confused here, HE told you that you were not going to stop their friendship? or your wife said this?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

struggling_husband said:


> 3. He said that she was " overstimulating" him and he was having a hard time focusing.
> 4. She said that she was "just learning" and needed to "take it slow".


Does this really sound like kissing and a hug?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

No amount of money is worth her staying in contact with this PUA. 

If you're going to divorce then, sure, she can keep her job. But if you want to have any chance at all (slim right now) then she has to drop that job and go nc with this guy. 

Trouble is, he's going to be sniffing around her for as long as she lets him. Get the VAR.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Sorry, I'm a little behind the power curve with your moving posts. Here are some truths with which we at TAM have become quite familiar:

Truths About Adulterous Women
- A woman will lie about her affair to the point of death.
- When a woman assures you there’s nothing to worry about, you better start worrying (and monitoring) for your life.
- When a woman says “he’s just a friend,” she’s already deeply involved in an EA.
- A woman who admits to an EA is already involved in a PA that’s risen to at least romantic kissing.
- A woman who admits to kissing her AP has already engaged in sex with him.
- A woman who admits to having sex “one time” has had sex with, her AP on multiple occasions.
- A woman who says “we only did it a few times,” has been involved in a long-term sexual relationship with her AP.

I don't know exactly how you came across to POSOM, but if he believes he has a say in whether or not his "friendship" with your wife continues, you obviously haven't given him the correct impression.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If this pos is married you have to let his wife know asap!


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> No amount of money is worth her staying in contact with this PUA.
> 
> If you're going to divorce then, sure, she can keep her job. But if you want to have any chance at all (slim right now) then she has to drop that job and go nc with this guy.
> 
> Trouble is, *he's going to be sniffing around her for as long as **she lets him. *Get the VAR.




Hard to sniff with a broken nose, more than one way to skin a POSOM, do your home work on him, married? etc..you can expose and make life rather difficult for him....
You need to be strong and stand your ground, this MFer is a threat to your marriage, a threat your wife let in....Boundaries man it's all about boundaries, what are yours...letting your wife work with some POS she admits she kissed and hugged (you think that's all they did out in the woods hiking?)


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell her if she has nothing to hide you will set up a polygraph test next week, then see her reaction...that should be interesting. Again this "friend" has to go or she does.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

struggling_husband said:


> This has been 50% my fault since I was drinking too heavily and emotionally unavailable to my wife and three kids while at home.


 You are both 50%-50% responsible for the issues in your marraige. She is 100% responsible for her cheating. Do not let her tell you otherwise. Cheating never fixes a marraige. If she wanted to fix the marraige she needed to put her efforts into her relationship with you and not her affair partner (AP).



struggling_husband said:


> He emailed me. and he accused me of spying on her, and said there was nothing more than a few "I love you's" in the txt messages and they she and her were very good friends and I was never going to stop that friendship.


 He just told you that he has no respect for you or your marraige and that he is an enemy of your marraige. He lied too in that your wife has already admitted that they kissed and made out 6 times. He also told you that he believes that he has a stronger connection to her than you and that you can do nothing to end their relationship. He is officially at war with you over winning over your wife.



struggling_husband said:


> He got her a job where he works and she (and I) are very grateful, plus she really relies on his experience and advise at work in order to excel at what she does. She loves her new job.





struggling_husband said:


> What do I do with this guy? I freaking hate him, but we need him to help my wife with her career (She is just going back to the workforce after being gone for 5-7 years).


 You caught her cheating with a guy that has told you that you can do nothing to end their relationship. The first thing you must do to end an affair is insist on breaking all contact with the AP. This is mandatory and few would disagree with this statement as it is so standard. She must quit her new job today. You got along fine with you supporting her for 5-7 years, you will just have to get along for a few months longer without her working. This new job will end your marraige and thus the hit to you would be far greater than the dollars lost. The only one that will see the benefits of this new job is your wife's AP, as he gets the girl and he does not have to support her.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

When a man tells you you're not going to stop their friendship and you left the conversation without addressing that, guess who just alpha'ed himself all over you...and you don't stake your claim that powerfully if you haven't staked your claim somewhere else...if you know what I'm saying..

A few hikes..alone...only "overstimulating" hugs..I term this an emotionally energetically physical relationship

And you can now stop blaming yourself and start to.. pardon the turn of phrase, get your n*ts back and take control of this situation


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

VARS mentioned. Here comes weightlifter.... VARS are probably your best weapon. Here is your plan of action.

1) Buy 2 Sony ICDPX312. Use LITHIUM batteries. They can go 25 hours of recording in voice activated mode which is long enough for most people to go away for a week.

Place one under her car seat. Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro. STICK IT IN THERE HARD!!!

Hide the other in your home wherever she talks when on the phone.

Usual disclaimer. If you hear him get into her car STOP LISTENING and give the recording to a friend to listen to and give you a transcript or a heads up. Knowing your wife is disloyal kills you. Hearing her moan with another man inside her will murder your soul 100 times worse and make your recovery MUCH longer. I dont care how tough you think you are. Hearing her moan with another man inside her will destroy you far worse.

Use Audacity if you need to clean up the recording. IT can do powerful things like reduce engine noise on recordings. Its free btw. Use a good pair of earphones to listen clearly. I have done var work for a few here. Audacity DOES work very well on reducing engine noise when constant. IT can also be used to bring UP voices once you know the persons' vocal frequency.

2) If you are feeling evil and are on Facebook or the wife is friending him... Simply post some screen caps of the texts on her wall and TAG HIS ASS for all his "FRIENDS" to see!

3) NEVER reveal your electronic eavesdropping methods. Its none of her fvcking business how you know.

4) The correct response to "You are snooping on me, its none of your business" from a cheater is "You married me, YOU ARE MY FVCKING BUSINESS!"

5) If you are NOT feeling evil you must still out this POSOM to his wife or GF. YOU DID SAVE THE EVIDENCE RIGHT!?!??!!!! Nuke him from his end too. seriously You gotta out alpha dog this POS or your wife will lose respect for you.

Seriously STEEL YOURSELF for the probability of a PA. Just push her in your talks then it will be groping (over clothes) then petting (under clothes) then just once then twice... Ill estimate the probability of PA at approx 80% unless you show us texts to lower or raise that probability.

BTW what he is doing is Player 101. Look it up on the internet. "How to seduce a married woman" It aint hard. It aint complicated. See anything familiar? YEP YOU DO!

OH yea, the usual. Sorry you are here. Women must be in heat ATM you are like #5 for me in the past 2 days.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You would be very naive to believe that this POSOM has not had sex with your wife. Men rarely have EA's for this period of time without advancing it to sex. Add in all the other red flags and it all points to a PA.

Assuming you want to reconcile, the best approach to save your marriage is an A-B-C process. You've already been advised on step A, which is:

Insist in no contact. She will have to decide (and you as well) what's more important; the job or your marriage. There is not much hope of the A ending otherwise. This includes her sending him a no contact letter that you read and review. No sentiments, just straight to the point.

If you don't agree, then any other advice becomes moot. You can't expect to R when the A is, or has the potential to continue.

If she refuses, you need to detach from her (find the 180 link), expose the affair and start divorce proceedings. If she changes her tune later; see below:

If you both agree that she quits her job, then return for more advice on monitoring her, exposure, and what to expect from a remorseful spouse; because there's a long way to go from there.

I'm sorry you're here, but believe me, you've come to the right place.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

>I contacted him (I know him as well, but she is her friend and co-worker from prior company) I asked him to sit down with me for coffee, he never got back to me until my wife asked him to. He emailed me. and he accused me of spying on her, and said there was nothing more than a few "I love you's" in the txt messages and they she and her were very good friends and I was never going to stop that friendship.<

He is directly challenging you for her. He sounds like he is in deep and quite frankly banging the poo out of her either at work or in the cars.

Plan of action.

6) Does she come home and change underwear? If so get them and semen test them. Many women dont carry spares even when they are hooking up at work. If she is showering or changing panties immediately after work red flag red flag.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

This is one of those times you don't have to collect more evidence if you don't want to. You in my opinion are at the point where she either quits the job goes nc with him or you divorce her. I do not see much grey it look's like black and white to me. You have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it. Sorry.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Great advice here. Agree with the others on the need for your wife to quit her job. She cannot have contact with the POS predator again. 

I'm in favor of the VAR, just to find out exactly the nature of her affair. She's downplaying it, but the odds are great that it's a lot more than what she says it is. Be prepared to be shocked when you find out they've fooked.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

tom67 said:


> This is one of those times you don't have to collect more evidence if you don't want to. You in my opinion are at the point where she either quits the job goes nc with him or you divorce her. I do not see much grey it look's like black and white to me. You have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it. Sorry.


I mostly agree with you. There's already enough there that he should not tolerate. Definitely enough there that she shouldn't work with the POS OM again. But maybe he should collect just a bit more evidence so he knows once and for all what his wife and her boyfriend were doing. Knowing it's full boat sex will probably make a difference to him as to what he wants to do going forward.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Cubby said:


> I mostly agree with you. There's already enough there that he should not tolerate. Definitely enough there that she shouldn't work with the POS OM again. But maybe he should collect just a bit more evidence so he knows once and for all what his wife and her boyfriend were doing. Knowing it's full boat sex will probably make a difference to him as to what he wants to do going forward.


True, he should also take her for a polygraph... or just see her reaction when bringing it up- she may reveal more.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

tom67 said:


> This is one of those times you don't have to collect more evidence if you don't want to. You in my opinion are at the point where she either quits the job goes nc with him or you divorce her. I do not see much grey it look's like black and white to me. You have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it. Sorry.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: 
There really is no reason to let this go on. To sit back and let them stay in contact when the other man is your wife's acknowledged affair partner is ridiculous. To mention that your wife loves her new job working closely with her affair partner, as if that is a reason that she should be able to keep working at the new job, is equally ridiculous. 

The title of this thread, "my wife's emotional friend", shows that OP is in denial. First it is not just emotional as he states in his first post to this thread that it was also physical. Second, the other man is more that just a "friend", he is her affair partner. Stop letting your wife and her affair partner tell you how to define their relationship.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It sounds to me like the others say that this was a PA...and OM is a douche. Don't EVER let another dude who is making the moves on your have hold any leverage over you life. At this point, who cares about her career?! You don't owe this guy spit at this point...and he is lying to you, trying to be alpha dog.
Tell your wife to bail out of this job, cos it's either her career at this location or your marriage. If it financially straps you then she is going to have to woman-up and get a job anywhere until she gets in on her own merit...not a tax on that a$$ that this guy is totally ready to collect or has already collected.
If you tell her to quit...and she says she is worried about money and stuff...then tell her that everything will be fine, we'll figure it out...this is better for our marriage this way. If she still refuses, then you know she is thinking about a future with this guy.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

I'm sorry, sorry sorry sorry. 

You will soon find out, should you wish it that they were engaged in a physical affair. 

Let me repeat that: if two people profess their love, work together, and do side hobbies together: They are having sex. (Unless there is a physical reason they can't.) 

I'd first off check credit cards. Check for strange purchases anywhere when she should be working. (buying gas at a gas station 20 miles away while she should be working.) Or the more obvious hotel room purchases. You'd be surprised how sloppy cheaters are when they think they arent being watched. 

Look for patterns in her texting. If they're together they won't be texting each other. If every thursday at 12 pm the texts suddenly stop for a period: They're probably together. (just an example). 

Cheaters often get into a routine. 

Think back to any time she had a "girls night out" the last 8 months. 

Then there's the more obvious "we went hiking!" Is there a way to fact check any of her stories? 

But the more obvious question: Why would you let your wife go hiking with some guy? Thats a date. 

I mean no one cares if their woman goes to a bar right? Guys? Guys? *crickets*

Once you have the evidence of the physical affair. EXPOSE. 180. file divorce. Even if you entertain the idea of being with her, i'd still do all the above. 

I'd say if she decides she wants to stay with you: Full transparency. No hidden texts or accounts. NEVER speak to OM again. Get a new job.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

SH I hope you are still here stay strong bro.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Oh and I do like that HE said you were spying. That's normally what the wayward spouse says when caught. They work together right? How do you know she didn't compose that email and send it to you? Seriously, it sounds EXACTLY like what I have read, in multiple threads, by wayward wives. Sounds like they are still in contact to me. That sounds like your wife's words coming out of his mouth.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP question.

Does her "friend" know her from BEFORE she got the job? By how much time? How did they meet and when?

He gets her a job in the same company... coincidence??? 

sigh sorry you are here.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

struggling_husband said:


> He emailed me. and *he accused me of spying on her*, and said there was nothing more than a few "I love you's" in the txt messages and they *she and her were very good friends and I was never going to stop that* friendship.


Holy crap! OM is c0ck blocking *YOU!* Are you going to sit there and take it?

In case it hasn't been mentioned, it's NOT ok for your WW to say "I love you" to another man who isn't her relative and vice versa...unless he's gay.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Google trickle truth. It probably is a physical affair. And considering how he lied after the confrontation, there is much more to this than what you know. Is this guy married ?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You want to sit down with him over coffee and have a mature conversation about why logically he shouldn't try to boink your wife? That's crazy.

Your wife is working with a guy who she likely has had sex with, who has admitted getting "overstimulated" by her, who she professes love to secretly behind your back for 5-6 months.

What is more important, your wife's career or your marriage?

What if this company folds, gets bought out, or other man leaves or your wife gets replaced? Your life will not be impacted as much as if you get divorced.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Do not for a second think that this is an EA. It appears to be a full blown PA. Of course Its an EA too, as they are exchanging love messages and he is openly challenging you.

Unfortunately, you did not prepare well before confronting her or him. (We all are guilty of that). Now they will leave less traces, and your wife will openly start a war with you.

They must separate. Even if it was (It wasn't) just an EA.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Friend, are you seriously considering letting her to remain as subordinate to this homewreker? Are you simply accepting the cuck0ld role so easily?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Save his emails, and when he gets in a relationship, use them to warn his GF. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

And yeah, your wife absolutely can't work with him.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Umm why did you change your name? Weird never mind.


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## struggling_husband (Jun 5, 2013)

Everybody here was right, I just found out tonight that they had sex 20 times (that's what my wife says). In her mini van and in the field nearby where they hiked together.

For many reasons including my kids and household, I want to stay married to her, but I'm having a difficult time with this new information. It literally disgusts me, I'm not sure I can ever have sex with her again.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

husbandindenver said:


> Everybody here was right, I just found out tonight that they had sex 20 times (that's what my wife says). In her mini van and in the field nearby where they hiked together.
> 
> For many reasons including my kids and household, I want to stay married to her, but I'm having a difficult time with this new information. It literally disgusts me, I'm not sure I can ever have sex with her again.


If you are the original poster than here are some steps you will need to take. And staying for your kids and household never works you won't be able to do it year in and year out and even if you make yourself she will just start cheating again on you. If you are going to stay married it has to be because you still LOVE her and want to make it. If you go into this with any other reason you will only be torturing both you and her. 

Step to take

1. No Contact Letter to Other Man. She writes it out and you send it.

2. Timeline of affair she writes down EVERYTHING that happened to your satisfaction any holding back and you walk. YOU have to mean it if you are going to make this work you have to be willing to walk. Because right now you don't have all the info she did it in your home probably in your bed and the sex was probably the greatest she ever had. In addition she did things with him she would not do with you.

3. Completer transparency on all devices email, phone, the she bang.

4. Marriage Counseling for both of you. 

5. Quit job and you may have to move and sell the van. Seeing them will constantly trigger you.

6. She needs to show remorse genuine remorse as she needs to be doing the actions otherwise it won't last.

These are all starts now you CANNOT go into this without a good foundation of what happened because every time she trickle truths you it will put you back to square one. Also you need to face some facts these you won't like.

1. You old marriage is dead she tortured it and pissed on it for good measure. You now have the option of starting a new one with this person if you for a second think things are going to go back to the good old days then you are lying to yourself you will probably NEVER trust her 100% again. You will always doubt. Can you stay with a women who is not only capable of cheating but has? I don't know you have to answer that.

2. The old marriage was a failure you own 50% percent of that. She owns 50% percent as well however her affair is HER fault 100%.

3. She betrayed your love.

4. She betrayed your trust.

5. She betrayed your kids.

6. She betrayed her vows.


You can see with the above why you can't do this just for your kids. It never works and only ends up hurting everyone more and making it even more ugly. Also I would suggest you keep posting and listen to those on her start a dialog they can help you move through this but only if you post and reply otherwise you are choosing to do this alone. Would you go on a 30 mile hike through rough terrain without a map? Yeah so don't go through this without advice.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You can try to reconcile, but you will not know if it will work until you try. Whether or not you will be able to reconcile also depends entirely on whether or not your wife gives you what you need to help you heal.

The lying after the affair can be more damaging to your marriage than the affair itself.

What is going on with your wife now? Did she come clean on her own, from you asking questions over and over, because you found some old evidence, or because you caught her in contact with him again?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She better be on her knees and begging, taking all the blame, ready to hand over her phone and privacy, with a no conact letter, quit her job, and doing everything and anything for you to forgive her. Before you even think about getting together.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

struggling_husband said:


> Everybody here was right, I just found out tonight that they had sex 20 times (that's what my wife says). In her mini van and in the field nearby where they hiked together.
> 
> For many reasons including my kids and household, I want to stay married to her, but I'm having a difficult time with this new information. It literally disgusts me, I'm not sure I can ever have sex with her again.


If she does not quit and go nc tell her to pack her bags. why all of a sudden did she tell you this?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you want to try to reconcile, she has to quit her job. No other choice.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Ok. I've heard enough. Listen my friend. When two people start a serious relationship there are two things that go along with that and these things are something that either party don't have to ask for. They should automatically be there if it's going to work. 
1.Don't lie to each other and 2. Don't cheat. If there's a problem that one party has with the other, you sit down a discuss it and you let that person know that whatever they may be doing to is bothering you or making you upset. Remember that no one is a mind reader and they only way they will know that their doing something to upset you is by you or the other party saying something. Once you know, then the ball is in your court and it's up to that person to correct the situation. If it continues then you sit down again and this time you make sure they HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR! If it continues then you can say to that person, "Hey! get your act together and when you do then maybe we can resume our relationship". I you get back together and it happens again then you have every right to bail out of a sinking ship and swim to shore.
When it comes to cheating. Well that was the number 2 thing I brought up. If your not happy and you meet someone else then let the other party know. Will they be mad? You bet. Will they be upset and hurting? Damn skippy they will but they will have some respect for you by being up front about it rather than finding out by the grapevine. 
I was married for 6 and a half years and she cheated on me and when I found out, I said to her, that it was time to leave. She left with my 6 year old daughter and that was 21 years ago and I have a great relationship with my kid. I divorced my wife but not my kid and I made sure that my daughter knew she had a Dad who loved her with all his heart and was always there for her even though I didn't live under the same roof with her. Too many Dad's are so afraid of losing their kids and if you act like a Father and love your kids, they will know your there for them and won't feel like you dumped them.
I don't understand why you would want to be with a women who was being bent over in the trunk of a car being nailed by some bum just like he would be doing if he picked up a bimbo for 20 bucks and how many times? 20? Jesus H, is there anything more un appealing than knowing that your wife would lower and cheapen herself to be treated like a low gutter tramp. Do you really want to get into bed every night with someone like that AND do you really want to live the rest of your life looking over your shoulder day in and day out wondering, is she really where she says she is? Is she really with who she says she's with? Is she doing what she says she's doing? Think about it. That's what you'll be doing from now on. That is not the kind of life you deserve or should you accept. Think about that for a while and unload the women.


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## Air Texas (May 30, 2013)

Save time and head straight to D. Life is too short to mess with her and him - you don't deserve this.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

You may hurt to think of divorcing her right now, but if you stay, I believe that you'll be in for 10 times the pain years from now.

Ask your closest friend(s) what he HONESTLY thinks you should do, no sugar coating. I'm guessing he'll tell you to D her also.

Admit it. Deep down, you know that divorcing her is the best thing to do.

If she'd be open to dating you after the divorce then I'd say you have a chance at building a new relationship.

If you just cow tow and try to go "back to the way it was", you've for sure sealed your fate. Because the way it way had her having sex with another man.

I'm sorry, but she just doesn't love, or respect you enough to stay faithful. Not for very long anyway.

Stay with her, and you'll see...


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP. How did you get her to confess? 
What was "her reason"
Does she want to stay married?

OK lets break this one down. First no decisions for a week. White hot emotions disallow clear thinking. I lean D as I see no reason other than kids to keep her but its YOUR road.

1) Can you live with the fact another man has been inside your wife?
2) Will she complete the no contact, job etc conditions.

If you get no to either let me put this in perspective. First your heart has been shredded, so has your ego.

You will love another 40 years. Do you really want to live a half a life? LIVE A FULL LIFE!!! 

A new woman provides the following benefits current wife does not.

1) Shorter road for most to recover
2) If you D you get to go out and get some random poon. Guarandamtee its superglue for the shattered ego part. How many times have we seen that one??? Read the top link in my sig.
3) Its a year out. After a few flings you meet this girl.... who has possibilities
3a) You get to look into eyes that never betrayed you..
3b) There is nothing about her that disgusts you.
3c) Picture in your mind how wonderfully intense that first sex after the first I love you's...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Advice

1. Put OM up on cheaterville today
2. She quits her job today
3. 20 times? So expect that she is actual down playing that number, so crap if sage says 20 it's likely even worse than that - including they would have used your bed if they've ever had the chance
4. On. Your own find if he has a wife/gf. I find it odd they didn't go to his place if he's single, exposé to his live in,
5. I'd be filing for D even if you hope to reconcile, make her jump through hoops to earn R with you, you can always cancel the D later. Unfortunately if she's done him 20+ times, I serious doubt the affair is going to end, so you will more than likely end up with the D.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Advice
> 
> 1. Put OM up on cheaterville today
> 2. She quits her job today
> ...


:iagree:

number 1 should be get tested for STD's right now, her too and no sex with her until you get results back.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

struggling_husband said:


> Everybody here was right, I just found out tonight that they had sex 20 times (that's what my wife says). In her mini van and in the field nearby where they hiked together.
> 
> For many reasons including my kids and household, I want to stay married to her, but I'm having a difficult time with this new information. It literally disgusts me, I'm not sure I can ever have sex with her again.


If she admitted 20 times it is more like 100+.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Op sorry for the spot you are in. I understand your desire to R. With that in mind, if I were you I would take immediate strong actions. 

Start with std tests for both of you
Expose him without telling her
Insist on no contact 
Monitor her movements and actions as she cannot be trusted now. 

Of course, with the exception of std testing and exposure The rest will do no good if she does not want the marriage. 
Does she seem remorseful? 

Even if she wants out of the marriage. Still get checked for stds. Take care of your health. You may want to expose as well. 

Good luck
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She made OM to respond to OPs email means she assured OM that OP is not going to do anything. Because of that assurance only OM told op he is not going to stop fooking his wife.

They had 20 times of sex means they lost their count.

Do you have any plan for moving forward?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Isn't it OM her direct supervisor/boss/mentor?
Expose immediately to HR, try your best to destroy this man.

Demand from your wife her supprt into suing this man for sexual harrasment and force her to send a NC letter worded in a wahy that help you get a Rp is he doesn't accept NC. At least scare the crap out this entitled motherf0cker. Do you remember his arrogant response when you confronted him? Can you see his audacy now you get he groomed her, hired her and f0cked her so many times and still had the balls to say to your face he won't stay away? He clearly believes he owns your wife.
Tell your wife the is the test of her life, the family or this man.

Destroy him.


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## Nujabes (May 16, 2013)

I'd say you should just file for a divorce. You're now stuck on the road where she's neutral and happy with her life knowing that you know about her affair and you can't stop it because you're letting her work there, where she meets the OM. Which in terms give her lead way of saying, "It's just strictly business"

Time to take immediate action. She MUST not work there anymore and man up and expose.

By this far in she probably fairly content if you file for a divorce anyways. Looks like she's giving up the info if you ask for it.


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

An admitted 20 times (read: too many to really count) in a field and in the car she uses to drive your children around?...

Talk about wanton!!.. and outrageously disrespectful..

If this is forgivable on any level for you, you are a far better man than I.

Good Lord!!

Good luck.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

This POS had the gall to tell you that you were spying on her and lie to your face that it was just a few 'I love you's', and then say you were never gonna interfere with their friendship.

Totally and completely destroy this piece of trash. Go to HR and report him if your wife has in any way been interacting with his company as she tries to reestablish herself in the field. That will get POS fired.

Post him on Cheaterville so any future employers will see what a piece of s**t he is when they do their normal background checks on applicants.

I won't say what else you should do to a scumbag that had the arrogance to say such things to your face, because this is a public forum and I'll try to keep it civil.

As for your WW, expose her to both your families and all friends. She must feel real consequences and show true remorse for you to even consider moving past this betrayal AND the disgusting lying that followed. 

She recruited slimeball to go sit with you and lie to your face. Doesn't get much lower than that.

Consult an attorney and let her know you're doing it.

She has to see that her entire life as she knows it will come crashing down on her head unless she gets her act together quickly.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

struggling_husband said:


> For many reasons including my kids and household, I want to stay married to her, but I'm having a difficult time with this new information. It literally disgusts me, I'm not sure I can ever have sex with her again.


I'm sure over a period of 5-6 months (that she admitted to) they've had sex well over 20 times. He got her the job so they have better control to be together. I really don't think its going to matter much if you want to stay married to her. It sounds like you're either going to be history or a cuckold if you do, (and beyond my comprehension why you want to) stay married to her. Additionally, I don't think you're going to have to worry about having sex with her again. Her buddy is taking care of that. Your out my man and he's in.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

struggling_husband said:


> Everybody here was right, I just found out tonight that they had sex 20 times (that's what my wife says). In her mini van and in the field nearby where they hiked together.
> 
> For many reasons including my kids and household, I want to stay married to her, but I'm having a difficult time with this new information. It literally disgusts me, I'm not sure I can ever have sex with her again.


 Does she still work at the job that he got her at his company where she relies on his experience and advise to excel at what she does? If she does then she will continue to have sex with this man as you put your head in the sand and pretend that it is not happening.


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## struggling_husband (Jun 5, 2013)

Guys, it's been two months. You guys were right about everything that happened.

I'm still in the house, still married and still going to counseling. I think I might want a divorce but it scares the **** out of me. My wife makes zero money, I've got three kids. I'm gonna be broke after a divorce.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Is she still having an affair?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

struggling_husband said:


> My wife makes zero money, I've got three kids. I'm gonna be broke after a divorce.


I thought you said he got her a job.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Please elaborate a little more about the current situation.

Why are you going to MC if she's still in the affair?
Did you take any measure regarding OM at work?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

You need to tell us how you found out.

Is the affair over?

How did it end?

What are you and WW doing to recover?

Is there NC?

Has WW left the job?

How are you verifing the affair is dead?

Is the OM married and was his wife told?

Without input we can not help you.


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## struggling_husband (Jun 5, 2013)

He got her the job, she works 20 hours a week and makes very little money, I guess if we got divorced, she would probably have to go to full time? I don't know **** about divorce.

She tells me that she has cut off all personal communication with him and made it only business, but I did find two emails that were personal in nature. Not sexual or relationship, just personal, non-business.


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## struggling_husband (Jun 5, 2013)

You need to tell us how you found out.

Is the affair over?
I don't have any way of knowing this.

How did it end?
I caught multiple lies over weeks, I think you guys call this "trickle truth". I sat next to her as she talk to him on the phone and broke it off.

What are you and WW doing to recover?
We are spending time together, meals, did a little trip recently, she still doesn't like touching me or kissing, no intimacy though, of course no sex, I haven't had sex a year probably.

Is there NC?
Don't know what this.

Has WW left the job?
Wife told me she's not leaving the job, and frankly we need the health insurance, I know you guys hate this.

How are you verifing the affair is dead?
Not sure how to do this.

Is the OM married and was his wife told?
He's going through a divorce due to the affair.

Without input we can not help you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

If MC is supporting this sh1t just fire him.
More than that, go for the divorce unless she quit the job like yesterday.

Why didn't you expose this POSOM at work?
You have no marriage, she earns nothing there, you have nothing to lose.

Get angry man, stop the passiveness. Do something!


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## struggling_husband (Jun 5, 2013)

I think I still love her, I'm pretty sure I do. Then, moments later, I hate her and want to divorce her.

It's been two freaking months and I still can't get my emotions and thoughts straight.

I hate it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

struggling_husband said:


> Guys, it's been two months. *You guys were right about everything that happened.*
> 
> I'm still in the house, still married and still going to counseling. I think I might want a divorce but it scares the **** out of me. My wife makes zero money, I've got three kids. I'm gonna be broke after a divorce.


For someone who acknowledges that we were right about everything, you don't accept advice very well.

Here's something else that we're right about; As long as you accept them having continued contact and no sex from her; you have almost no chance at a successful R. She will continue to cheat with him, continue to lose respect for you and your future regrets will be copious. All the MC in the world will be meaningless and a waste of money.

Sorry to be so blunt, but this is a 2 x 4 moment.


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## struggling_husband (Jun 5, 2013)

She told me that she made a mistake by sending those two personal, non-business related email messages. She told me that eventually we will be able to have sex.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

struggling_husband said:


> She told me that eventually we will be able to have sex.


Congratulations.


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## struggling_husband (Jun 5, 2013)

I'm new here, are there a lot of guys who have forgiven cheating wives on this forum?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell her you won't have sex with her until she gets an STD test and since she doesn't make any money tell her to quit after today if she doesn't pack her shyt in garbage bags and drive her to om place.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

struggling_husband said:


> She told me that she made a mistake by sending those two personal, non-business related email messages. She told me that eventually we will be able to have sex.


Leave her. She is still having an affair


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Tell her you won't have sex with her until she gets an STD test and since she doesn't make any money tell her to quit after today if she doesn't pack her shyt in garbage bags and drive her to om place.


You say she needs the job due to healthcare... Are you insane?

Quit job now......... Go bankrupt if you have to. It is better than sending your wife to the other man 20 hours a week. Come on man wake up!


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

struggling_husband said:


> You need to tell us how you found out.
> 
> Is the affair over?
> I don't have any way of knowing this.
> ...



You are the only one responsible for the hell you're enduring. Don't deprive yourself of a better life man.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

> She told me that eventually we will be able to have sex.


Good God man. You wife had sex 20 times with another man. 

SHE IS CHOOSING NOT TO HAVE SEX WITH *YOU*

Why are you putting up with this? She can't respect you if you refuse to respect yourself.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


azteca1986 said:


> Good God man. You wife had sex 20 times with another man.
> 
> SHE IS CHOOSING NOT TO HAVE SEX WITH *YOU*
> 
> Why are you putting up with this? She can't respect you if you refuse to respect yourself.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

struggling_husband said:


> I'm new here, are there a lot of guys who have forgiven cheating wives on this forum?


Of course there are SH. I'm one of them, but I wouldn't use the term "forgiven". More like "working through".

So, when I give you tough advice to listen to, I'm not being pro divorce. I want the best solution for you as do other posters. It's just so obvious though; what you're doing wrong. Very frustrating for some of us.

But, kudos to you for not turning tail and running from this forum. I hope you keep posting.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

struggling_husband said:


> She told me that she made a mistake by sending those two personal, non-business related email messages.


What she meant to say was she made a mistake by not deleting those two personal, non-business related email messages.

You were lied to, are being lied to and will be lied to. The roller coaster will go on and on. Tell her to quit the job, or get out.

Is health insurance worth living on this emotional rollercoaster?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

struggling_husband said:


> I'm new here, are there a lot of guys who have forgiven cheating wives on this forum?


There are plenty. Though you might not realise it from, this is a staunchly pro-marriage forum.

The first step to a successful reconciliation is to make sure the affair is OVER. 

Keep posting. Keep asking questions. Do you understand the importance of this first step?


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

struggling_husband said:


> I'm new here, are there a lot of guys who have forgiven cheating wives on this forum?


Yes there are many, but first things first, she has to QUIT, no two ways about it, non negotiable, she wants to stay then serve her with divorce papers, she needs to act remorseful not talk like it. 

Bud I've been where your at and it's scary as hell I get that, but until you get over the fear and stand up for yourself it will only get worse, this I know as fact, if you don't stick up for yourself, who will?

Broke, been there, child support, been there to, it's only temporary.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Tell her you won't have sex with her *until she gets an STD test* and since she doesn't make any money tell her to quit after today *if she doesn't pack her shyt in garbage bags and drive her to om place.*




for both he needs courage but he dont have that. He is still enabling her A. He knows they are still continuing the A and sex but he is not ready to see that because he is in toooooo much love with her and scared of loosing her.

All of us know what OM and OPs wife might have been calling OP while they talk. I wont blame her for not having sex with OP, how can a women have sex with a person whom she dont respect or love? How can she respect him when he dont respect himself.

Struggling husband stop your struggle and *man up.*


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You need to risk everything in order to have a chance.
She's still cheating, don't be in denial about it, so the first step is killing the affair. 
It's simply, there're two possible targets here:
a) she quits
b) you manage to get him fired.

That simply. It may be hard but actualy simple.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP what state?

In some states you have adultry AND marital abandomnent

Is he a boss? I SMELL A LAWSUIT BIG ENUF TO GET THAT D.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

IMO, if she is still working with him then the affair is on going to this day.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

struggling_husband said:


> She told me that she made a mistake by sending those two personal, non-business related email messages. She told me that eventually we will be able to have sex.


Dude ... so glad she will eventually give you permission to have sex with her. That is complete BS. The affair is still on and she doesn't respect you one single bit ... and you are letting it happen. Get out of this marriage any way you can. File for bankruptcy. Move on.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

struggling_husband said:


> she still doesn't like touching me or kissing, no intimacy though, of course no sex, I haven't had sex a year probably.


 The continued lack of sexual and non-sexual intimacy with you for a full year, while willing giving herself to the other man in these ways, is because she did not want and does not want to cheat on the other man. He was and still is her man, and you are not. She will not consider leaving the part time job with the other man because the affair is not over. If she were remorseful, and you were in real reconciliation, she would want to leave the job on her own. When the other man's divorce is farther along, she will find out if he wants her to move in. If he does, she will leave you at the drop of a hat. You know that I am right.

Sorry that you are here. You did nothing to deserve being treated in this way. Good luck to you.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Amazing. She should be begging you to remain in the marriage and not have you divorce her. She is the one who should be pushing for sexual intimacy with you. It is just the opposite. You have not had sex in a year and you are thrilled to hear her say down the road she will be intimate with you. What is wrong with this picture?

I have a hunch you are one of those extreme nice guys. Your wife knew down deep that so what if she had sex with her lover 20 times or more since if she got caught you would forgive her anyway so she had nothing to lose.

She was communicating with him right in front of you. Her actions show that she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. You do not have a marriage and she is using you.
Good God man - if you do not respect yourself then who will?

If the roles were reversed would she be so accepting and forgiving toward you in addition to you withholding sex from her?
Look in the mirror. Do you really like what you see? When your children grow up would you want them to remain in such a sexless marriage as yours? Why would your wife ever respect you knowing that she can humiliate and disrespect you in the worst possible way and you will accept it. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat.


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## struggling_husband (Jun 5, 2013)

Holy Sh*&t you guys are tough on me here, I'm just a normal dude with three little kids trying to cope with something I've never experienced before.

I'm certain the affair is over and I'm certain that they are not emailing personal stuff anymore, I check all of her communications on a regular basis.

Regarding work, she actually works from our house, and not directly with this dude. He does have more experience than her and helps her via email occasionally, I've read his emails and they are appropriate.

I just ran home and very dramatically and told her how much it would ruin our chances of saving our marriage if she was still communicating with him via a second or secrete email account. She answered immediately, no hesitation and looking me in the eye said she is not emailing him in any other way nothing "secret" going on now. I believe her.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

SH. Its just that we've seen this before and it 80% chance only gets uglier.

Anyway could ya answer my what state thing?

You are lying down and taking it. We are trying to wake you up.

Seeing a man get a marriage beat down does not help children. No sex + another man= ROYAL beat down.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

TRy said:


> The continued lack of sexual and non-sexual intimacy with you for a full year, while willing giving herself to the other man in these ways, is because she did not want and does not want to cheat on the other man. He was and still is her man, and you are not. She will not consider leaving the part time job with the other man because the affair is not over. If she were remorseful, and you were in real reconciliation, she would want to leave the job on her own. When the other man's divorce is farther along, she will find out if he wants her to move in. If he does, she will leave you at the drop of a hat. You know that I am right.
> 
> Sorry that you are here. You did nothing to deserve being treated in this way. Good luck to you.


Lets examine:
Because of him she gets
1. emotional fulfillment
2. a guy that stands up for her 
3. sex
4. healthcare
5. a paycheck
6. a mentor

what is your role?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

struggling_husband said:


> I'm new here, are there a lot of guys who have forgiven cheating wives on this forum?


I'm one. 

But it's a long, difficult process, for both spouses. You don't get there by letting her stay in touch with the OM, regardless of the reason. Among other things.

Life throws real hardballs at us sometimes. You've been hit, brother, right in the crotch. You've had time to catch your breath. Time to buck up and demand what's yours in this relationship. 

Because it sounds like she is still at bat.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Her saying she'll EVENTUALLY have sex with you should really p!ss you off. 

There doesn't seem to be any remorse here. It's said here often, and it's true, for you to even think about forgiving your wife and remotely consider reconciliation, she needs to beg, plead, cry so much her makeup runs, etc., which she hasn't come close to doing yet. 

The only way to get to that point is for you to file for divorce to shake up her world. And if she still doesn't get to that point? Then why would you want her as your wife?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> I'm one.
> 
> But it's a long, difficult process, for both spouses. You don't get there by letting her stay in touch with the OM, regardless of the reason. Among other things.
> 
> ...


ever heard of rug sweeping? It is what you are doing right now.

What you hear from her is close to what is needed so you say ok.. Guess what.. we were right before, we will be right again. She still values what she had/has with him more and is not giving you sex b/c she still wants and thinks of him that way and not you. There is no other reason.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

struggling_husband said:


> She told me that she made a mistake by sending those two personal, non-business related email messages. She told me that eventually we will be able to have sex.


struggling_h:

I'm not going to write down here what I think of your wife. By doing that I think I (a stranger) am showing you more respect than she has for a long, long time. Given her recent sexual affair, her witholding sex from you amounts to nothing more than emotional abuse. Do you think of it in that way? you should


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

What does she do for work? Sounds like BS to me. Amway? Quickstar? Primerica? OR any of the other network marketing/pyramid businesses out there? TELL HER TO GET A ****ING REAL JOB!!! CUT THIS GUY OUT! She can go dig ditches for all you care. McDonalds also pays more than zero. 

SHE SHOULD NOT EVEN HAVE PROFESSIONAL CONTACT WITH HIM!!!

FFS. Get your self-respect and manhood back. Would our fathers have tolerated this? Our father's fathers? Father's father's fathers, etc.? Feminism, through politics, pop culture and mass media has destroyed too many men's self-perception and understanding of positive male attributes. 

Let me tell you sir. You are a husband and a father and a man. You have value. You are the prize. That used to be a role respected by society at large. Now it is mainly made fun of in sitcoms and other media. Don't let society feel/think you don't have value as a man. Be proud, be strong. Make the hard decisions and provide the hard consequences for your UNFAITHFUL wife.

Her choice: No contact or no marriage.... and thats just the beginning.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

struggling_husband said:


> He does have more experience than her and helps her via email occasionally, I've read his emails and they are appropriate.


 This guy has banged your wife at least 20 times since she last had sex with you, and you let her stay in touch with him for a part time job? Are you kidding me? When it comes to affair partners, their is no such thing as appropriate contact. There is only full no contact. If you do not have that, you do not have real reconciliation. 

Make her find a find another job now (with health benefits), or your marriage will fail. Your thread is titled "my wife's emotional friend" because you did not know that it was also physical, and because you did not want to use the word affair. We told you what was really going on and we were right. Everyone is now telling you that it will not work if she stays working with this guy even from home; sadly you are determined to learn the hard way that we are right again.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

struggling_husband said:


> Holy Sh*&t you guys are tough on me here, I'm just a normal dude with three little kids trying to cope with something I've never experienced before.
> 
> I'm certain the affair is over and I'm certain that they are not emailing personal stuff anymore, I check all of her communications on a regular basis.
> 
> ...


SH,

It may seem that the crowd is hard on this stuff. I felt the same way while I lurked and was dealing with similar issues.

Some really great posts have been made to help you.

I too felt that I could be the "good guy" and work through my exWW's A and our attempt at R.

This stuff has a way of souring our souls. It will be a few weeks, months, maybe a year or two. I remember how I grew tired of the lies, the hurt, the lack of effort on her end to show me what I needed.

Just remember that most of us have been through this. It is gut-wrenching pain. Facing a D is horrible too. We get it.

In the end, you probably will feel that you didn't deserve this, and you wasted your time and money on a bad woman.

Make sure YOU are at that point for your benefit. You deserve the time to decide, you deserve to work through your issues, and ultimately you deserve a wife that you can trust.

Stay with us. It will be easier with help from those that have been in your shoes.

God bless you. It is probably the toughest thing most of us have had to deal with. I am sure you are feeling that too. Better days are ahead, but it may get more difficult before it gets better.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

struggling_husband said:


> Holy Sh*&t you guys are tough on me here,
> 
> ...
> 
> I just ran home and very dramatically and told her how much it would ruin our chances of saving our marriage if she was still communicating with him via a second or secrete email account. She answered immediately, no hesitation and looking me in the eye said she is not emailing him in any other way nothing "secret" going on now. I believe her.


It sounds harsher than it's meant. A lot of that has to do with the disbelief you are processing. Some of that harshness is meant to push you through that disbelief, revealing how much further things could go than you are willing to imagine at this point. Most of the posters here are living it, or have lived it. A year ago I was in your shoes, I couldn't believe what was going on. 

My FWW and I reconciled. It's been long, it's been difficult but it's getting better day by day. I had a major advantage, she has no reason to contact her affair partners. None at all. So, I have an easy boundary to monitor. If she was still in contact for any reason, I would not be able to get over it. Every email, every phone call would bring me right back to Dday. And that's best case, assuming she really intends to end her love affair with this guy. 

Worst case, they agreed to back off and keep it professional for a while. Eventually they will resume. Even if she doesn't currently think she will resume the affair, how do you know it isn't going to start right back up? What if she sends him a love note behind your back and he uses the threat of exposing it to you to get her to do even more? That **** happens. 

It's just not likely the affair will end and never restart if the wayward still has interaction with the affair partner. That story has played out here time and time again. Save yourself that pain and learn from the folks here.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

struggling_husband said:


> About two weeks ago, I was sitting at my wife's desk and her iPhone was on it and I saw, right on the home screen, a full on, pretty erotic text conversation with a friend of her's.
> 
> The conversation talked about
> 
> ...


UPDATE: Read the whole thread now. Totally absurd. The wife admits to having sex with another guy 20+ times. Works for the guy now. She brings in zero money. He has not had sex with her in over a year. They need the health insurance ... right. This is not the way you fight to save a marriage. This is letting another man have your wife exclusivley for ... health insurance. I this Obamacare?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Since your wife has told you at the least she had sex with this guy at least 20 times what were the consequences for her actions. She has not allowed you to have sex with her for a year now. 

Apparently you were so deep in denial and she was so good in fooling you that this went on for a long time. If you have 3 children then I would strongly suggest that you get paternity tests done on them. These are the consequences from affairs.

Your wife has cheated on you many many times with this guy and for some reason you continue to believe anything she tells you. What is wrong with this picture? She admits to at least 20 times screwing this guy (there is always a difference to what they admit and what it really was) while continuing to withholding sex from you. 
Again what is wrong with this picture?

I strongly suggest you seek individual counseling to regain your self-respect and confidence. Please step back and look at yourself. You have a wife who screwed another man multiple times and continues to withhold sex from you now for over a year. She knows she can continue to hurt and disrespect you and your marriage because she has absolutely no fear of any consequences from you. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? What a message you will be sending to your children. This is so sad. Nevertheless good luck to you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bryanp said:


> Since your wife has told you at the least she had sex with this guy at least 20 times what were the consequences for her actions. She has not allowed you to have sex with her for a year now.
> 
> Apparently you were so deep in denial and she was so good in fooling you that this went on for a long time. If you have 3 children then I would strongly suggest that you get paternity tests done on them. These are the consequences from affairs.
> 
> ...


This is sad really sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

struggling_husband said:


> Holy Sh*&t you guys are tough on me here, I'm just a normal dude with three little kids trying to cope with something I've never experienced before.
> 
> I'm certain the affair is over and I'm certain that they are not emailing personal stuff anymore, I check all of her communications on a regular basis.Normal dude, it takes 1 minute to set up a gmail account and about $15 to have a burner phone or SIMM card. you are deluding yourself
> 
> ...



I know that it seems everyone is being harsh and down on you, but your chances of recovery are very small because of what you are doing! Why don't you have a key logger on your computer and why is there not a VAR in the home and her car?

Please read the newbie material again. *Get Not Just Friends* by Dr. Shirely Glass. See an attorney about divorce in your state.

Man up.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

*"Holy Sh*&t you guys are tough on me here"*

Yea but it's tough love bro.

You need to read Burned's thread that he just posted. That's where you're headed if you don't change your mindset.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

You think we're tough? Wait till reality hits you in the head, once you pull it out and realize what your woman has been doing to your manhood.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

badmemory said:


> *"Holy Sh*&t you guys are tough on me here"*
> 
> Yea but it's tough love bro.
> 
> You need to read Burned's threat that he just posted. That's where you're headed if you don't change your mindset.


And his wife is not being tough on him. Just the people here.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I stayed with my wife because we had kids, and reconciled.

She lied before. Why do you believe her now? I am in asking that to hurt, but because you have to figure out trust.

I suggest you figure out some ways to cross check her truthfulness that she doesn't know about. You have to rebuild your trust if she is worthy, and know if she is not so you can look after yourself.

Also, start thinking about the financial aspects of divorce and prepare for it. You are not out of the woods yet.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

struggling_husband said:


> She told me that she made a mistake by sending those two personal, non-business related email messages. She told me that eventually we will be able to have sex.


I couldn't insult you much worse if I tried. Do you realize what is happeniung here?You are being used and abused by your wife.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

struggling_husband said:


> I'm new here, are there a lot of guys who have forgiven cheating wives on this forum?


Did she ask for forgiveness?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

struggling_husband said:


> Holy Sh*&t you guys are tough on me here, I'm just a normal dude with three little kids trying to cope with something I've never experienced before.


I know some of these things are hard to hear ... but it is out of concern for you. We are pulling for you.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

A few questions as you were gone for awhile.

1. Did she has sex with him?

2. How long?

3. When did you sex life go away?

4. What steps actual ACTIONS has she taken to SHOW her remorse?

5. How long did the affair go on?


All you said was that they were right how about some insight into WHAT you have found out?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is OM up on cheaterville.com? Put him up there tonight.

Explain to your wife that until sex returns that she s clearly still cheating and you will be treating her as such.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Just remember, the more tolerant you are, the more her contempt for you grows. Man up and you have a slim chance of pulling this out. You need to understand that women get a crack-like high from unprotected sex with paramours. I can give you all the links to the science behind that and the brain sex chemistry that gets released, but I doubt you'd bother to read it.

You really do need to DNA the kids. Be sure to tell your wife you're doing that.

Keep getting in shape. Focus on the abs, chest and shoulders. If you do, once you're single again, you'll be getting a lot more sex than you are now.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

struggling_husband said:


> Holy Sh*&t you guys are tough on me here, I'm just a normal dude with three little kids trying to cope with something I've never experienced before.
> 
> I'm certain the affair is over and I'm certain that they are not emailing personal stuff anymore, I check all of her communications on a regular basis.
> 
> ...


Wow! Just Wow!

Well, look at the bright side. All the pain and heartache that you're experiencing right now is going to pale in comparison to the next time and the next time.

News Flash: Even if she never talks to this OM again... She'll find another, man. She possesses a vagina and she's not afraid to use it... On OM's that is, not on you. At least not yet. Just keep waiting though. Someday... Maybe.

Sigh...


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

struggling_husband said:


> Holy Sh*&t you guys are tough on me here, I'm just a normal dude with three little kids trying to cope with something I've never experienced before.
> 
> I'm certain the affair is over and I'm certain that they are not emailing personal stuff anymore, I check all of her communications on a regular basis.
> 
> ...


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

As rough as you _think_ the folks are being on you, you should be x10 that on your wife.

Are you really cool with your wife having any kind of continued contact with a guy she cheated on you with for *at least 20* times? seriously...think about that.

It's about DEMANDING respect and accepting nothing less, you get no respect then you cut people out of your life like a cancer.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

strugglinghusband said:


> As rough as you _think_ the folks are being on you, you should be x10 that on your wife.
> 
> Are you really cool with your wife having any kind of continued contact with a guy she cheated on you with for *at least 20* times? seriously...think about that.
> 
> It's about DEMANDING respect and accepting nothing less, you get no respect then you cut people out of your life like a cancer.


And don't forget that in "cheat speak" if they had sex once it was at least two, or three times.

What do you think 20 times converts too?...

I'm guessing she's lost count at around 50, so she tossed the "20" at you to shut you up.

But hey, look at the bright side again. She wasn't having sex with you, so you weren't getting sloppy 2nds all the time... Which just made me realize the she was FAITHFUL to the OM.

Go figure.


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

Your wife has denied you sex for over a year while having sex many, many times (you can bet your ass it's more than the 20 she admits to) with another man. 

She still reports to this man and interacts with him professionally and refuses to end this relationship.

Your wife is abusing you. *Period full stop* 

That she has no respect for you or your marriage is plain. 

That she has no real remorse for her actions and the anguish they have caused you is plain. 

That she continues to be emotionally true to the other man by refusing sex with you is plain. 

If you are content with this situation, who is anyone to judge? (I mean everyone needs health insurance, right?) Live and let live I always say. Best of luck to you both, mate.

If, however, you are not happy with the current situation, the ONLY way out of it is to find some respect for yourself and convey to your wife in no uncertain terms that you will not continue to live this way. 

If she refuses no contact with this man, you must immediately file for divorce. Anything short of this gets you nowhere but where you are.

It sounds extreme and harsh and painful because it is. It is all of those things. But the people here who have been through this hellish ringer are telling you the hard truth. This is the ONLY way out. The ONLY way forward.

I wish you the best of luck and peace whatever you decide.


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