# Am I being used and manipulated?



## ric2 (4 mo ago)

We've been together for 5 years now (dated for 5, married for 5). Earlier this summer, just before our 5 year anniversary I discovered she'd been sneaking around and cheating on me with her trainer. She had been acting off and doing things that were not her normal for several months before this and I was suspicious of her but I didn't have any proof until then (it might also be worth mentioning that she's had numerous other inappropriate relations with other guys before, just not anything that developed into something like this.) So when I did finally find out and I called her out on it she continued to lie, deny it and get nasty with me even though I had multiple sources of proof at that point. Once the initial anger from both sides faded I told her I wanted to stick it out with her and make it work. She said the same but it would take time to break it off with him because she loved him as well. 
We'd go through spells of anger and flucuating emotions. We went away for our anniversary and another vacation throughout the summer and while we were away (and not talking to/seeing this guy) things were great. However, a day or two after we'd return and she'd see and talk to him again we were right back in the same boat. She'd be distant and cold and even at points claim she doesn't love me anymore. This naturally made me pull back and put up walls to protect myself due to it sounding like it's ending. As soon as I would she would stop being cold and distant and act as if nothing ever happened and we were moving passed it all. Finally, in the beginning of august things came to a head and she decided she needed space to get clarity about what she wanted to do. So she moved back in with her parents and it was only suppose to be a week or two. And then the week or two turned into another week, with the addition of no communication. That week ended and she talked about coming home. I was passing by her parents one day on my way home so I thought I'd stop by and say hi because she told me she was home. However, when I got there I found out that she wasn't actually there but out on a date with the other guy. A few days later I called her out on the lying and she claimed it was to protect me. She went on to tell me he was just perfect in every way and is everything she ever wanted and then she started talking about finding her own place. So this time my walls went WAY up and I got very distant. Again following this she started acting very sweet and loving like nothing was going on or happened and when I didn't respond in kind this time she questioned if I loved her. I told her I did but that I can feel myself being pulled away because of all this. She freaked out on me saying about how I'm giving up on trying to make this work and that marriage is suppose to be forever and all this other stuff that is basically making it sound like it's my fault and I'm the one who isn't making this work. Following all this she said she was even thinking about coming home (but now she doesn't know) because she missed me and that when she was looking for her own place she realized she didn't know if she could handle living on her own. This just made me feel so used, especially after another comment she made earlier in the summer something to the effect of, 'well what am I going to do for dinner?' when I left for the night after another argument we had. Like don't get me wrong, I would gladly welcome her home, I'd gladly take care of her and her needs, as I always have but I don't want it to be because she needs me, I want her love. I just feel so used and so manipulated and don't know how or if I'll ever be able to trust her again because of the repetitive lying. Am I reading this situation wrong? Am I wrong for feeling this way?

None of her friends or family like this guy either, they have all pointed out numerous red flags to her but she continues to ignores them. I have a very strong gut feeling that she will be back in the end after she finishes exploring this, I just don't know that I will be there, or even if I am now. I just don't know how to get passed the feeling of being used and manipulated or how to rebuild the trust between us.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

She doesn't love you any more.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

You can't get past the feeling of being used because she is actively trying to use you. If you want to get over this feeling, start doing the 180.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If you don’t get a divorce you are a complete fool.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

ric2 said:


> We've been together for 5 years now (dated for 5, married for 5). Earlier this summer, just before our 5 year anniversary I discovered she'd been sneaking around and cheating on me with her trainer. She had been acting off and doing things that were not her normal for several months before this and I was suspicious of her but I didn't have any proof until then (it might also be worth mentioning that she's had numerous other inappropriate relations with other guys before, just not anything that developed into something like this.) So when I did finally find out and I called her out on it she continued to lie, deny it and get nasty with me even though I had multiple sources of proof at that point. Once the initial anger from both sides faded I told her I wanted to stick it out with her and make it work. She said the same but it would take time to break it off with him because she loved him as well.
> We'd go through spells of anger and flucuating emotions. We went away for our anniversary and another vacation throughout the summer and while we were away (and not talking to/seeing this guy) things were great. However, a day or two after we'd return and she'd see and talk to him again we were right back in the same boat. She'd be distant and cold and even at points claim she doesn't love me anymore. This naturally made me pull back and put up walls to protect myself due to it sounding like it's ending. As soon as I would she would stop being cold and distant and act as if nothing ever happened and we were moving passed it all. Finally, in the beginning of august things came to a head and she decided she needed space to get clarity about what she wanted to do. So she moved back in with her parents and it was only suppose to be a week or two. And then the week or two turned into another week, with the addition of no communication. That week ended and she talked about coming home. I was passing by her parents one day on my way home so I thought I'd stop by and say hi because she told me she was home. However, when I got there I found out that she wasn't actually there but out on a date with the other guy. A few days later I called her out on the lying and she claimed it was to protect me. She went on to tell me he was just perfect in every way and is everything she ever wanted and then she started talking about finding her own place. So this time my walls went WAY up and I got very distant. Again following this she started acting very sweet and loving like nothing was going on or happened and when I didn't respond in kind this time she questioned if I loved her. I told her I did but that I can feel myself being pulled away because of all this. She freaked out on me saying about how I'm giving up on trying to make this work and that marriage is suppose to be forever and all this other stuff that is basically making it sound like it's my fault and I'm the one who isn't making this work. Following all this she said she was even thinking about coming home (but now she doesn't know) because she missed me and that when she was looking for her own place she realized she didn't know if she could handle living on her own. This just made me feel so used, especially after another comment she made earlier in the summer something to the effect of, 'well what am I going to do for dinner?' when I left for the night after another argument we had. Like don't get me wrong, I would gladly welcome her home, I'd gladly take care of her and her needs, as I always have but I don't want it to be because she needs me, I want her love. I just feel so used and so manipulated and don't know how or if I'll ever be able to trust her again because of the repetitive lying. Am I reading this situation wrong? Am I wrong for feeling this way?
> 
> None of her friends or family like this guy either, they have all pointed out numerous red flags to her but she continues to ignores them. I have a very strong gut feeling that she will be back in the end after she finishes exploring this, I just don't know that I will be there, or even if I am now. I just don't know how to get passed the feeling of being used and manipulated or how to rebuild the trust between us.


Wow, how big of a 2x4 do you need to see what's right in front of you??

"_they have all pointed out numerous red flags to her but she continues to ignores them_"
You're the one ignoring them.

Get some self-respect and end this thing you call a marriage.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

When she said “it would take time to break it off with him because she loved him as well”, she put the affair partner (“AP”) on equal footing with you her husband. She would be dating and having sex with her AP openly and with no shame.

You should never take such disrespect. A marriage cannot come back from that. It will never be healthy. You need to file for divorce and not look back.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Divorce her! 
never beg someone to love you the way you deserve to be loved.she isn’t honoring her marriage vows - so she ended the marriage a while ago - she just didn’t tell you!

she doesn’t respect you. She doesn’t hold you in high regard - these are on HER!

you deserve better. Don’t let her waste any more of your time!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

What are you hoping will happen here? It seems real obvious to me from your post that your wife is in love with another man.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Yes she is using and manipulating you. You deserve much much better. Leave her with her affair and move forward. You cannot trust this liar. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

She is using you. Why would you 'welcome' her back? Why would you ever want to be in any kind of relationship again?
She is treating you horribly. See a lawyer. Find out your options and follow their advice. Just go no contact. Block her on your phone and social media.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

"Am I reading this situation wrong? Am I wrong for feeling this way?"

Yeah, because you're coming after it from a position of weakness. What line does she have to cross before you say enough is enough and mean it? She's your wife and she's openly cheating and you're looking for a way around it that has zero consequences/ultimatums to her???


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I don't understand why you called her out on the cheating? I mean, she clearly doesn't care about you or what you think and you're too weak to divorce her so nothing's going to change.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Second hand embarrassment is real 🤦🏻‍♂️


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

This is not going to get any better. See a divorce attorney and file ASAP. Your wife is using you big time and she no longer has any respect or love for you. Just a hunch, but I suspect this guy does not really love her or want a future with her. She's a side piece. When she gets rejected by this guy (and she will) she'll come crawling back to you until she finds someone else. I'm sorry man but your marriage is over. File for divorce and get this thing over with while your wife is still in the affair fog.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

You feel used and manipulated because you are being used and manipulated.

I have no clue why you want her back, because even if you win her back, all you will be getting is another man's used up free "escort", a back-stabber and adulteress. What man would want to be with such a woman, let alone claim her as his wife?

When you next see her, please ask her for her handbag, retrieve your manhood, reattach it and kick her to the streets where she belongs.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ric2 said:


> We've been together for 5 years now (dated for 5, married for 5). Earlier this summer, just before our 5 year anniversary I discovered she'd been sneaking around and cheating on me with her trainer. She had been acting off and doing things that were not her normal for several months before this and I was suspicious of her but I didn't have any proof until then (it might also be worth mentioning that she's had numerous other inappropriate relations with other guys before, just not anything that developed into something like this.) So when I did finally find out and I called her out on it she continued to lie, deny it and get nasty with me even though I had multiple sources of proof at that point. Once the initial anger from both sides faded I told her I wanted to stick it out with her and make it work. She said the same but it would take time to break it off with him because she loved him as well.
> We'd go through spells of anger and flucuating emotions. We went away for our anniversary and another vacation throughout the summer and while we were away (and not talking to/seeing this guy) things were great. However, a day or two after we'd return and she'd see and talk to him again we were right back in the same boat. She'd be distant and cold and even at points claim she doesn't love me anymore. This naturally made me pull back and put up walls to protect myself due to it sounding like it's ending. As soon as I would she would stop being cold and distant and act as if nothing ever happened and we were moving passed it all. Finally, in the beginning of august things came to a head and she decided she needed space to get clarity about what she wanted to do. So she moved back in with her parents and it was only suppose to be a week or two. And then the week or two turned into another week, with the addition of no communication. That week ended and she talked about coming home. I was passing by her parents one day on my way home so I thought I'd stop by and say hi because she told me she was home. However, when I got there I found out that she wasn't actually there but out on a date with the other guy. A few days later I called her out on the lying and she claimed it was to protect me. She went on to tell me he was just perfect in every way and is everything she ever wanted and then she started talking about finding her own place. So this time my walls went WAY up and I got very distant. Again following this she started acting very sweet and loving like nothing was going on or happened and when I didn't respond in kind this time she questioned if I loved her. I told her I did but that I can feel myself being pulled away because of all this. She freaked out on me saying about how I'm giving up on trying to make this work and that marriage is suppose to be forever and all this other stuff that is basically making it sound like it's my fault and I'm the one who isn't making this work. Following all this she said she was even thinking about coming home (but now she doesn't know) because she missed me and that when she was looking for her own place she realized she didn't know if she could handle living on her own. This just made me feel so used, especially after another comment she made earlier in the summer something to the effect of, 'well what am I going to do for dinner?' when I left for the night after another argument we had. Like don't get me wrong, I would gladly welcome her home, I'd gladly take care of her and her needs, as I always have but I don't want it to be because she needs me, I want her love. I just feel so used and so manipulated and don't know how or if I'll ever be able to trust her again because of the repetitive lying. Am I reading this situation wrong? Am I wrong for feeling this way?
> 
> None of her friends or family like this guy either, they have all pointed out numerous red flags to her but she continues to ignores them. I have a very strong gut feeling that she will be back in the end after she finishes exploring this, I just don't know that I will be there, or even if I am now. I just don't know how to get passed the feeling of being used and manipulated or how to rebuild the trust between us.


Wow, just wow! Your wife is dating another man, has cheated on you multiple times in the past, blamed everything on you and you need to ask what to do and how to rebuild trust? LOL Did you leave the purse with your balls in it at home or are they with your "wife"? Seriously though, she is a tramp that is just stringing you along while she does whatever pleases her in the moment.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

At this rate you should just get a tramp stamp of the other dudes name on your lower back.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

The issue here is not whether you are being used, because that is a given considering the situation.

The issue is why you don't have enough self-respect to immediately dump some who cheats on you, especially in the manner she did.

You need to dump her and work on yourself.

ETA: You should just completely block and ghost her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s played you. How much longer are you going to tolerate that?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

ric2 said:


> We've been together for 5 years now (dated for 5, married for 5). Earlier this summer, just before our 5 year anniversary I discovered she'd been sneaking around and cheating on me with her trainer. She had been acting off and doing things that were not her normal for several months before this and I was suspicious of her but I didn't have any proof until then (it might also be worth mentioning that she's had numerous other inappropriate relations with other guys before, just not anything that developed into something like this.) So when I did finally find out and I called her out on it she continued to lie, deny it and get nasty with me even though I had multiple sources of proof at that point. Once the initial anger from both sides faded I told her I wanted to stick it out with her and make it work. She said the same but it would take time to break it off with him because she loved him as well.
> We'd go through spells of anger and flucuating emotions. We went away for our anniversary and another vacation throughout the summer and while we were away (and not talking to/seeing this guy) things were great. However, a day or two after we'd return and she'd see and talk to him again we were right back in the same boat. She'd be distant and cold and even at points claim she doesn't love me anymore. This naturally made me pull back and put up walls to protect myself due to it sounding like it's ending. As soon as I would she would stop being cold and distant and act as if nothing ever happened and we were moving passed it all. Finally, in the beginning of august things came to a head and she decided she needed space to get clarity about what she wanted to do. So she moved back in with her parents and it was only suppose to be a week or two. And then the week or two turned into another week, with the addition of no communication. That week ended and she talked about coming home. I was passing by her parents one day on my way home so I thought I'd stop by and say hi because she told me she was home. However, when I got there I found out that she wasn't actually there but out on a date with the other guy. A few days later I called her out on the lying and she claimed it was to protect me. She went on to tell me he was just perfect in every way and is everything she ever wanted and then she started talking about finding her own place. So this time my walls went WAY up and I got very distant. Again following this she started acting very sweet and loving like nothing was going on or happened and when I didn't respond in kind this time she questioned if I loved her. I told her I did but that I can feel myself being pulled away because of all this. She freaked out on me saying about how I'm giving up on trying to make this work and that marriage is suppose to be forever and all this other stuff that is basically making it sound like it's my fault and I'm the one who isn't making this work. Following all this she said she was even thinking about coming home (but now she doesn't know) because she missed me and that when she was looking for her own place she realized she didn't know if she could handle living on her own. This just made me feel so used, especially after another comment she made earlier in the summer something to the effect of, 'well what am I going to do for dinner?' when I left for the night after another argument we had. Like don't get me wrong, I would gladly welcome her home, I'd gladly take care of her and her needs, as I always have but I don't want it to be because she needs me, I want her love. I just feel so used and so manipulated and don't know how or if I'll ever be able to trust her again because of the repetitive lying. Am I reading this situation wrong? Am I wrong for feeling this way?
> 
> None of her friends or family like this guy either, they have all pointed out numerous red flags to her but she continues to ignores them. I have a very strong gut feeling that she will be back in the end after she finishes exploring this, I just don't know that I will be there, or even if I am now. I just don't know how to get passed the feeling of being used and manipulated or how to rebuild the trust between us.


WOWZERS Divorce is really your only sane option from what I can tell. She has no respect for you and you do not seem to expect any. You are far better off without her, you're acting like she might be coming back while she is still in love with and in a relationship with the other guy. Actually the reality of the situation is *he is her man* and you are the other guy in her orbit at this point.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ric2 said:


> We've been together for 5 years now (dated for 5, married for 5). Earlier this summer, just before our 5 year anniversary I discovered she'd been sneaking around and cheating on me with her trainer. She had been acting off and doing things that were not her normal for several months before this and I was suspicious of her but I didn't have any proof until then (it might also be worth mentioning that she's had numerous other inappropriate relations with other guys before, just not anything that developed into something like this.) So when I did finally find out and I called her out on it she continued to lie, deny it and get nasty with me even though I had multiple sources of proof at that point. Once the initial anger from both sides faded I told her I wanted to stick it out with her and make it work. She said the same but it would take time to break it off with him because she loved him as well.
> We'd go through spells of anger and flucuating emotions. We went away for our anniversary and another vacation throughout the summer and while we were away (and not talking to/seeing this guy) things were great. However, a day or two after we'd return and she'd see and talk to him again we were right back in the same boat. She'd be distant and cold and even at points claim she doesn't love me anymore. This naturally made me pull back and put up walls to protect myself due to it sounding like it's ending. As soon as I would she would stop being cold and distant and act as if nothing ever happened and we were moving passed it all. Finally, in the beginning of august things came to a head and she decided she needed space to get clarity about what she wanted to do. So she moved back in with her parents and it was only suppose to be a week or two. And then the week or two turned into another week, with the addition of no communication. That week ended and she talked about coming home. I was passing by her parents one day on my way home so I thought I'd stop by and say hi because she told me she was home. However, when I got there I found out that she wasn't actually there but out on a date with the other guy. A few days later I called her out on the lying and she claimed it was to protect me. She went on to tell me he was just perfect in every way and is everything she ever wanted and then she started talking about finding her own place. So this time my walls went WAY up and I got very distant. Again following this she started acting very sweet and loving like nothing was going on or happened and when I didn't respond in kind this time she questioned if I loved her. I told her I did but that I can feel myself being pulled away because of all this. She freaked out on me saying about how I'm giving up on trying to make this work and that marriage is suppose to be forever and all this other stuff that is basically making it sound like it's my fault and I'm the one who isn't making this work. Following all this she said she was even thinking about coming home (but now she doesn't know) because she missed me and that when she was looking for her own place she realized she didn't know if she could handle living on her own. This just made me feel so used, especially after another comment she made earlier in the summer something to the effect of, 'well what am I going to do for dinner?' when I left for the night after another argument we had. Like don't get me wrong, I would gladly welcome her home, I'd gladly take care of her and her needs, as I always have but I don't want it to be because she needs me, I want her love. I just feel so used and so manipulated and don't know how or if I'll ever be able to trust her again because of the repetitive lying. Am I reading this situation wrong? Am I wrong for feeling this way?
> 
> None of her friends or family like this guy either, they have all pointed out numerous red flags to her but she continues to ignores them. I have a very strong gut feeling that she will be back in the end after she finishes exploring this, I just don't know that I will be there, or even if I am now. I just don't know how to get passed the feeling of being used and manipulated or how to rebuild the trust between us.


Yes, you are being used. 

You are also handling this all wrong. As soon as she was caught it should have been him OR you, not both.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> Second hand embarrassment is real 🤦🏻‍♂️


Is that what’s it’s called? 

I was wondering why I was feeling so uncomfortable and could feel my balls shriveling up and my testosterone level taking a nose dive as I was reading that. 

I didn’t know it had a name and was thing but now I know. 

I’m gonna hafta get on the motorcycle and ride to the gym and pump some iron and hit on whatever sexy little chicks are squeezed into some spandex there to get my testicles to redescend again.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

This story is so completely lopsided that it's honestly a little hard to believe.

But then so is being a cuckold.
🤷‍♂️


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now to get to the actual issues and questions being posed.

At this point I do not think you are being used and/or manipulated anymore. 

You now know that she is involved with another and she is not making any attempts to conceal that fact.

There for you are now making an informed, conscious choice to stay with her and remain married to her.

There for she is not using or manipulating you. She is simply allowing you to stick around to provide your labor and resources for her while she has fun and sexual relations with this other guy. 

You are choosing to remain while knowing where she stands so that is not using or manipulating you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And on another note; if reincarnation turns out to be real - when we are all born again, could you fine folks remind me to become a personal trainer. 

It’s a little late for me now, but knowing what I know now, I want to be a trainer next time.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

She does not love you...And that's what it takes is love. Only YOU can continue to let her hurt you...The ball is in your court. She's sleeping with someone else ...Please wake up. There is no hope for this. She's playing the pick me dance..Don't do it. Remember, you love her , she doesn't love you.

It's a hard pill to swallow but it's the truth 

Let her stay at her parents and walk away. 

Sorry your in this mess


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Have some pride in yourself.
Get your affairs in order and file on her coldly and without any advance notice. 
Let shock and awe rule the day. Refuse to be treated as a fallback plan.
If you want to stay together, put the onus on her to prove it.
Be ruthless, merciless and unyielding.
Any reconcilliation will be on terms favorable to you after she has done the work to fix her malfunctions.
One requirement that is a must is that she gives you a post nup, favorable to you should she ever reoffend (because she probably will.)
However, your best move is to put her to the curb and go find a woman who wants to be with you, and views you as a priority, instead of a doormat.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

It’s hard to believe that any man can be okay with this, yet here you are. This is not what love looks like. Did you see a healthy, loving marriage growing up? I have to assume not. She is openly mocking and humiliating you because she knows she can and you’re sitting in a corner rolled up in a ball saying baby come back. Is this the type of woman you want to have children with?? She literally has no shame. I wouldn’t treat a neighbor this way, let alone someone I’m supposed to love and cherish. I have no doubt she’ll come back to you when he dumps her, and no doubt you’ll take her. And she’ll do it again and again because she actually despises you. Apparently no one told her that marriage is the end of one’s dating life. I’m sorry to say, but at this point you deserve what you get and I imagine this will go on for years before she finally leaves for good. This is vastly different than a spouse getting caught, begging forgiveness and working through the issues that led to an affair. You really need to learn how to improve your judgement and man up for your next relationship in 10 or 15 years or you’ll keep attracting the users. Good grief have some pride. It’s a reality that women prefer manly men. Walk. Away. No more begging, crying, long talks. It is OVER.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are only a chump if you allow it. 


ric2 said:


> We've been together for 5 years now (dated for 5, married for 5). Earlier this summer, just before our 5 year anniversary I discovered she'd been sneaking around and cheating on me with her trainer. She had been acting off and doing things that were not her normal for several months before this and I was suspicious of her but I didn't have any proof until then (it might also be worth mentioning that she's had numerous other inappropriate relations with other guys before, just not anything that developed into something like this.) So when I did finally find out and I called her out on it she continued to lie, deny it and get nasty with me even though I had multiple sources of proof at that point. Once the initial anger from both sides faded I told her I wanted to stick it out with her and make it work. She said the same but it would take time to break it off with him because she loved him as well.
> Marriage takes two. Let her go or regret itlater
> 
> 
> ...


What others think doesn’t matter. She’s picking him over you. You obviously have zero self esteem or respect to accept such treatment. WAKE UP!


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

I literally stopped reading after she said she needed time to break things off. Hear me loud and clear. NO. I can tell you from experience. I was the one who stepped out in my marriage. I was discovered after almost a month of seeing this guy a two or three times and I literally stopped. I eventually quit my job, did every single thing, in an attempt
To save my marriage. 

Now, that being said, I couldn’t save my marriage alone and I didn’t know it then, but it wasn’t about forgiving me, my husband thought of me as HIS property. And I took the abuse because after time that’s what it turned in to. He had no true intention of forgiving. He just wanted me in purgatory for the rest of my life and I loved there too Buddy. Knowing this was the consequence of my action.

You can read my back story, my marriage was for the birds unfortunately. I loved him and two people can make it work, but it has to be both and the fact her response was “it will take a while.” I loved my affair, I was in love with him.. but I knew what was right too. Well, I knew what was really right before I had an affair but I gave in anyway. Now I didn’t have a history like your wife does and still don’t. Some truly can learn their lesson. She HAS NOT.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She can only use you if YOU allow it!

we train people how to treat us - so you’ve trained her to use you. 
stop allowing it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Come on man, do you really need to write a post on a message board to ask that question about someone who is actively cheating on you? You're not asking the right question here. Start with mine to you and then follow up with why are you putting up with it?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Ric2.

At one point, yes you were being used. However, you allowed yourself to be used again and again, rather than standing up and establishing boundaries for your marriage. 

I strongly suggest you read Oldshirt's insights into why your enabling behavior means you are no longer being used, but are an active participant in this illusion of a marriage.

Since you have spoken to her family she "moved back in with" and they have told you they don't approve of her relationship with this guy; perhaps you should ask them if she has treated other men in her life in this kind of way or they have any explanation of her behavior. You might also ask them if they think she has any real love for you.

I only see two ways for your life to improve. The first is for you to embrace your role as a cuckold and let her know you will enable her cheating. I don't recommend that. The second is for you to stop enabling her behavior and tell her you intend to divorce her if this doesn't stop immediately (unless it has gone on too long and you intend to divorce her immediately).

Oh and by the way: 1) Get tested for STD's and 2) by all means don't get this woman pregnant or have unprotected sex with her. It is beyond a shadow of doubt that she has any respect for you or cares about your health or love.

Good luck.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Is it possible to use or manipulate a willing participant? 🤔


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Is it possible to use or manipulate a willing participant? 🤔


Use maybe? In the physical sense.
Manipulate...nah.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

I don’t even know what to say on this one.

I guess I can add to the chorus of truth and reality, and reiterate that OPs wife is clearly not in love with him, has zero respect for him and is probably even further disgusted by his weakness and lack of self-respect and dignity then she was before he confronted her about cheating.

I can agree with everyone else have advised OP to find his backbone and refuse to tolerate this any further by filing for divorce.

I could also advise him to get some serious therapy and male support to understand why he chose to tolerate such disrespect and betrayal and why he has so little self-respect or dignity as a man.

I could advise him that even once he’s free of his unfaithful wife, any future relationships will likely end up in exactly the same place until he builds some strength and self-respect and seriously improves himself as a man.

I just don’t think it’ll make a damn bit of difference. Because I don’t think he’s going to listen to any of us.
The fact that this situation is so blatantly absurd, and that he is allowed it to continue without taking any action whatsoever, and is coming here questioning himself for basically finally being upset enough to question his future with her - i’m at a loss.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I still think this can be fixed.
Consider a cooking class and wowing her with great food. Get a really nice washer and dryer that does her laundry perfectly.
Give her a gas card so she doesn’t have to worry about paying for fill ups and make her life easier. She needs you for a place to stay and for helping to pay her bills, and cooking and cleaning for her. You can build on that.

Or, you can go the reasonable route and have her served at her bf’s gym. The “trainer”…… lol once you divorce her and she tries to monkey Branch to him, he will have the biggest saw that Stihl makes trying to get that branch cut off. If you take her back —- Dude, you are a glutton for punishment.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> I still think this can be fixed.
> Consider a cooking class and wowing her with great food. Get a really nice washer and dryer that does her laundry perfectly.
> Give her a gas card so she doesn’t have to worry about paying for fill ups and make her life easier. She needs you for a place to stay and for helping to pay her bills, and cooking and cleaning for her. You can build on that.
> 
> Or, you can go the reasonable route and have her served at her bf’s gym. The “trainer”…… lol once you divorce her and she tries to monkey Branch to him, he will have the biggest saw that Stihl makes trying to get that branch cut off. If you take her back —- Dude, you are a glutton for punishment.


OP....Please read the above several times...

You are absolutely being used and manipulated...

Just curious, have you contacted the " Trainer " ?


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

I don`t know if the OP is a troll or not, because there are hundreds of stories floating about online and YouTube regarding wives cheating with their gym trainers, another favourite are wives or fiancees cheating with male entertainers and strippers at bachelorette parties.
But if this is true then the OP needs to grow a pair and do something about it, otherwise his wife will show no respect and consider him to be a wimp.
Sorry to be so blunt, but a fact is a fact.
Anyway it seems wives cheating with male gym trainers are quite common.
The OP should listen to this:


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

gameopoly5 said:


> I don`t know if the OP is a troll or not, because there are hundreds of stories floating about online and YouTube regarding wives cheating with their gym trainers, another favourite are wives or fiancees cheating with male entertainers and strippers at bachelorette parties.
> But if this is true then the OP needs to grow a pair and do something about it, otherwise his wife will show no respect and consider him to be a wimp.
> Sorry to be so blunt, but a fact is a fact.
> Anyway it seems wives cheating with male gym trainers are quite common.
> The OP should listen to this:


I love the outcome. Blew up her world. Thanks, @gameopoly5 for the humpday laugh.
"_trust me sweety, it ain't you!_" 🤣


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Why in the world haven't you kicked her to the curb? I get it...you love her, don't want to be alone, etc. But know your worth, man. You deserve better. And she sure as heck doesn't deserve you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Maybe one post OP will return.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

I dont want to even comment on this post -

you either like she is cucking you or cant draw a limit between feeling and self respect


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

I’ve got a friend who is a personal trainer and he has destroyed more than one marriage. The last one he married but she divorced him after a couple years which we all saw coming of course.

Anyway, if you don’t have children with this woman there isn’t any reason you should ever even see her again. Let the lawyers communicate with her for you.


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## DonJuan (Oct 20, 2021)

ric2 said:


> We've been together for 5 years now (dated for 5, married for 5). Earlier this summer, just before our 5 year anniversary I discovered she'd been sneaking around and cheating on me with her trainer. She had been acting off and doing things that were not her normal for several months before this and I was suspicious of her but I didn't have any proof until then (it might also be worth mentioning that she's had numerous other inappropriate relations with other guys before, just not anything that developed into something like this.) So when I did finally find out and I called her out on it she continued to lie, deny it and get nasty with me even though I had multiple sources of proof at that point. Once the initial anger from both sides faded I told her I wanted to stick it out with her and make it work. She said the same but it would take time to break it off with him because she loved him as well.
> We'd go through spells of anger and flucuating emotions. We went away for our anniversary and another vacation throughout the summer and while we were away (and not talking to/seeing this guy) things were great. However, a day or two after we'd return and she'd see and talk to him again we were right back in the same boat. She'd be distant and cold and even at points claim she doesn't love me anymore. This naturally made me pull back and put up walls to protect myself due to it sounding like it's ending. As soon as I would she would stop being cold and distant and act as if nothing ever happened and we were moving passed it all. Finally, in the beginning of august things came to a head and she decided she needed space to get clarity about what she wanted to do. So she moved back in with her parents and it was only suppose to be a week or two. And then the week or two turned into another week, with the addition of no communication. That week ended and she talked about coming home. I was passing by her parents one day on my way home so I thought I'd stop by and say hi because she told me she was home. However, when I got there I found out that she wasn't actually there but out on a date with the other guy. A few days later I called her out on the lying and she claimed it was to protect me. She went on to tell me he was just perfect in every way and is everything she ever wanted and then she started talking about finding her own place. So this time my walls went WAY up and I got very distant. Again following this she started acting very sweet and loving like nothing was going on or happened and when I didn't respond in kind this time she questioned if I loved her. I told her I did but that I can feel myself being pulled away because of all this. She freaked out on me saying about how I'm giving up on trying to make this work and that marriage is suppose to be forever and all this other stuff that is basically making it sound like it's my fault and I'm the one who isn't making this work. Following all this she said she was even thinking about coming home (but now she doesn't know) because she missed me and that when she was looking for her own place she realized she didn't know if she could handle living on her own. This just made me feel so used, especially after another comment she made earlier in the summer something to the effect of, 'well what am I going to do for dinner?' when I left for the night after another argument we had. Like don't get me wrong, I would gladly welcome her home, I'd gladly take care of her and her needs, as I always have but I don't want it to be because she needs me, I want her love. I just feel so used and so manipulated and don't know how or if I'll ever be able to trust her again because of the repetitive lying. Am I reading this situation wrong? Am I wrong for feeling this way?
> 
> None of her friends or family like this guy either, they have all pointed out numerous red flags to her but she continues to ignores them. I have a very strong gut feeling that she will be back in the end after she finishes exploring this, I just don't know that I will be there, or even if I am now. I just don't know how to get passed the feeling of being used and manipulated or how to rebuild the trust between us.


Forgive and divorce.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Why do you want to stay with a woman that is openly screwing around on you. You realize to her you look weak and pathetic. I would bet you money they laugh about you and degrade you while they are having sex. This woman is for the streets, send her back there.


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## DonJuan (Oct 20, 2021)

ric2 said:


> We've been together for 5 years now (dated for 5, married for 5). Earlier this summer, just before our 5 year anniversary I discovered she'd been sneaking around and cheating on me with her trainer. She had been acting off and doing things that were not her normal for several months before this and I was suspicious of her but I didn't have any proof until then (it might also be worth mentioning that she's had numerous other inappropriate relations with other guys before, just not anything that developed into something like this.) So when I did finally find out and I called her out on it she continued to lie, deny it and get nasty with me even though I had multiple sources of proof at that point. Once the initial anger from both sides faded I told her I wanted to stick it out with her and make it work. She said the same but it would take time to break it off with him because she loved him as well.
> We'd go through spells of anger and flucuating emotions. We went away for our anniversary and another vacation throughout the summer and while we were away (and not talking to/seeing this guy) things were great. However, a day or two after we'd return and she'd see and talk to him again we were right back in the same boat. She'd be distant and cold and even at points claim she doesn't love me anymore. This naturally made me pull back and put up walls to protect myself due to it sounding like it's ending. As soon as I would she would stop being cold and distant and act as if nothing ever happened and we were moving passed it all. Finally, in the beginning of august things came to a head and she decided she needed space to get clarity about what she wanted to do. So she moved back in with her parents and it was only suppose to be a week or two. And then the week or two turned into another week, with the addition of no communication. That week ended and she talked about coming home. I was passing by her parents one day on my way home so I thought I'd stop by and say hi because she told me she was home. However, when I got there I found out that she wasn't actually there but out on a date with the other guy. A few days later I called her out on the lying and she claimed it was to protect me. She went on to tell me he was just perfect in every way and is everything she ever wanted and then she started talking about finding her own place. So this time my walls went WAY up and I got very distant. Again following this she started acting very sweet and loving like nothing was going on or happened and when I didn't respond in kind this time she questioned if I loved her. I told her I did but that I can feel myself being pulled away because of all this. She freaked out on me saying about how I'm giving up on trying to make this work and that marriage is suppose to be forever and all this other stuff that is basically making it sound like it's my fault and I'm the one who isn't making this work. Following all this she said she was even thinking about coming home (but now she doesn't know) because she missed me and that when she was looking for her own place she realized she didn't know if she could handle living on her own. This just made me feel so used, especially after another comment she made earlier in the summer something to the effect of, 'well what am I going to do for dinner?' when I left for the night after another argument we had. Like don't get me wrong, I would gladly welcome her home, I'd gladly take care of her and her needs, as I always have but I don't want it to be because she needs me, I want her love. I just feel so used and so manipulated and don't know how or if I'll ever be able to trust her again because of the repetitive lying. Am I reading this situation wrong? Am I wrong for feeling this way?
> 
> None of her friends or family like this guy either, they have all pointed out numerous red flags to her but she continues to ignores them. I have a very strong gut feeling that she will be back in the end after she finishes exploring this, I just don't know that I will be there, or even if I am now. I just don't know how to get passed the feeling of being used and manipulated or how to rebuild the trust between us.


Forgive and file.


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