# Opposite of “factor” thread: did any of you choose your spouse because they were NOT very sexual?



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think this is a relevant discussion topic in and of itself but I didn’t want to hijack my own thread.

the question were you drawn towards your partner in large part because there were quite nonsexual or at least very sexually restrained and inexperienced and sex did not appear to be very important to them.

were the “Other” traits and characteristics in a potential spouse much more important to you than sex and sexual compatibility?

did you choose your spouse largely on their lack of sexual inclination?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> I think this is a relevant discussion topic in and of itself but I didn’t want to hijack my own thread.
> 
> the question were you drawn towards your partner in large part because there were quite nonsexual or at least very sexually restrained and inexperienced and sex did not appear to be very important to them.
> 
> ...


My W did say that she didn't want to marry or even date someone like her Father, very handsome James Bond type, as she would be afraid they would cheat on her. 

She had seen enough of her Mothers pain in life being alone and not knowing exactly what her H was doing but knowing something was going on, all the while everyone else knew the details.

She also liked that I respected her boundaries and didn't push on them. Most of her prior BFs wanted sex immediately, some even wanting to marry quickly. She did inherit good looks from her Dads family.

That being said her family background with all that cheating, illegitimate kids and whatever also meant that illicit sex is what really turns her on. So while my W does not like the James Bond types she does love them on a deeper level, on a deeper level she likes me but does not love me or desires me.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TAMAT said:


> My W did say that she didn't want to marry or even date someone like her Father, very handsome James Bond type, as she would be afraid they would cheat on her.
> 
> She had seen enough of her Mothers pain in life being alone and not knowing exactly what her H was doing but knowing something was going on, all the while everyone else knew the details.
> 
> ...


And you’re OK with this?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> My W did say that she didn't want to marry or even date someone like her Father, very handsome James Bond type, as she would be afraid they would cheat on her.
> 
> She had seen enough of her Mothers pain in life being alone and not knowing exactly what her H was doing but knowing something was going on, all the while everyone else knew the details.
> 
> ...


I don’t think you’re alone.

i suspect that there are actually quite a few people that choose their spouse based on the spouse’s lack of sexual prowess.

it will be interesting to see if anyone will actually admit it.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

DudeInProgress said:


> And you’re OK with this?


Well, I wasn't fully aware of it for years and years and decades. 

By the time I became really aware of this it was almost too late in life. I didn't have the foresight when I was younger that I now have as hindsight.

I really thought she would love me the way I loved her by treating her well and providing for her, and that someday we would get back to where we were when we first dated.

No I'm not ok with it, but it's a fact of life like a broken leg or a wrecked car etc.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> Well, I wasn't fully aware of it for years and years and decades.
> 
> By the time I became really aware of this it was almost too late in life. I didn't have the foresight when I was younger that I now have as hindsight.
> 
> ...


It ain’t over ‘till it’s over!

maybe you should transform yourself into a sexual dynamo and have lots of nasty illicit sex with her if that’s what she likes, and then if she divorces you she’d have to list, “he’s too good in bed” as the reason.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TAMAT said:


> Well, I wasn't fully aware of it for years and years and decades.
> 
> By the time I became really aware of this it was almost too late in life. I didn't have the foresight when I was younger that I now have as hindsight.
> 
> ...


That’s tragic.
Not sure how old you are, but if you’re in your 50s or younger, I would strongly suggest that you have options. 

Maybe you can change the dynamic of your marriage, maybe you can’t at this point. But it is possible. 
And if it is too late to change the dynamic with your wife, 40s or 50s is still young enough to find something more fulfilling. It’s up to you.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

TAMAT said:


> My W did say that she didn't want to marry or even date someone like her Father, very handsome James Bond type, as she would be afraid they would cheat on her.
> 
> She had seen enough of her Mothers pain in life being alone and not knowing exactly what her H was doing but knowing something was going on, all the while everyone else knew the details.
> 
> ...


Wow, that is sad. Do you make that up yourself or did she tell you?
Ever concidered she is like her father?
I would be worried especially if she feels rhat way about you. 😢


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> It ain’t over ‘till it’s over!
> 
> maybe you should transform yourself into a sexual dynamo and have lots of nasty illicit sex with her if that’s what she likes, and then if she divorces you she’d have to list, “he’s too good in bed” as the reason.


Oldshirt,

I think her love is now for God/Jesus only, she might even believe she is asexual. Wild and crazy hand jobs are the limit now.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

DudeInProgress said:


> That’s tragic.
> Not sure how old you are, but if you’re in your 50s or younger, I would strongly suggest that you have options.
> 
> Maybe you can change the dynamic of your marriage, maybe you can’t at this point. But it is possible.
> And if it is too late to change the dynamic with your wife, 40s or 50s is still young enough to find something more fulfilling. It’s up to you.


Dude,

I already changed the dynamic about 10 years ago and she was happy, she began to like me very much but didn't get to love. This was better than before when she neither loved or liked me. I'm in my 60s now.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

elliblue said:


> Wow, that is sad. Do you make that up yourself or did she tell you?
> Ever concidered she is like her father?
> I would be worried especially if she feels rhat way about you. 😢


Elliblue,

No she told me that, a few times, there are times she is honest rather than diplomatic and cautious.

Her cheater Father by the way is the one who approved of me for his daughter early on btw. I guess he was an expert at spotting cheaters, he did not like my Ws oldest sisters H for that reason. 

Yes she is like her Father can talk to anyone and is well received often instantly liked. Very good looking like her Father also. 

She is also like her Mother who was very serious and morally severe and never cheated, my MIL when she was in very poor health and 86 years old told me with laborious effort that she never cheated on her cheater H, "not once".

So I would say that my W is a composite of both parents she would like to cheat subconcously, but is/was afraid of her strict Mothers dispproval. Had my W had to confess to her Mother, I can say confidently that her Mother would have not talked to her for a week or two, then exploded with a horrible word bomb in her language at my W.


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