# how important are breasts to your sexual need



## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I am curious. I'm sorry there is just no normal easy way to ask this or maybe it is just my own self being uncomfortable. 

I know there are boob men and leg men and such. Just how important is boobs in the bed room? I ask because my H seems to like to use my boobs as his personal playground. I know that they are my breasts and this should provide me with some kind of joy and likable sensation, but it doesn't. (I have a past of rape and CSA which I suspect affects things) If he knows it does nothing for me, then why does he want to partake in that? Do my breasts do something for him? Do boobs do something for guys? In thinking about it all I can think of is that breasts are a part of what is female and seen as a woman part and guys don't have access to these type of things. Being allowed access and exploring that area would soon get old Or would it not, I don't know? I do know it is an area in which I struggle and I was wondering how important is access to breasts is for you guys?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

yes, they are important and they do not get old. It's magical that way, somehow.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I have a sex blog and by far this post always gets read the most:

I Married a Sex God: Boobs

I wrote a more recent post about similar dynamics:

I Married a Sex God: Breast Antics


Yes, breasts are important, not just to men but to women, too.

I'm very thankful and happy that my man is a boob man and I love his constant attention of them.

I'm not going to say "you should, too" because we are all individuals. But you should at least not allow yourself to think there is something wrong with him, because there isn't.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

For me, as a male, they are very important. I'm both a boob and butt man. It's not about sex really, it's about femininity - what physically makes her a woman, things I don't have. When we're alone together I'm constantly groping and touching my gf's boobs and butt. I asked her once if it bothered her and she said that she'd be worried if I ever stopped and that she likes the attention. It's not even about initiating sex, I just love touching her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

OK thanks guys. I was sexually abused and the issues revolve around my breasts. I go back mentally t that bad place in my mind. I am trying to get past it, but when H touches me there it does something terrible to me. 

Just curious how the need for such things were.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
It varies completely for men and women. Some men really love beasts, for others (like me) they are just another very nice body part. Some women really enjoy having their breasts touched, some don't.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> OK thanks guys. I was sexually abused and the issues revolve around my breasts. I go back mentally t that bad place in my mind. I am trying to get past it, but when H touches me there it does something terrible to me.
> 
> Just curious how the need for such things were.


Does your husband know about this abuse? If not, you should tell him. I'm always amazed at how people leave out important details when posting something online or asking for advice. These details change the entire aspect of your thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm sorry you are a victim of abuse, it is so sad how that can shape and change our sexual abilities.

I wish you could know the joy of having your breasts loved well. I wish someone hadn't taken that away from you.

But I do hope you'll reclaim your right to love and enjoy your body and share it with your husband.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Bewbs


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> It varies completely for men and women. Some men really love beasts, for others (like me) they are just another very nice body part. Some women really enjoy having their breasts touched, some don't.


What is important to me is that the breasts be sensitive. Some women have that, others don't. Some sensitive breast women can almost be brought to orgasm by touching and teasing alone.

Other women with unsensitive breasts can simply become annoyed with breast attention, much as a guy would not appreciate too much attention being paid to his elbows.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Yes he does know. He doesn't understand why I used to like it but upon talking about and discovering fully what happened to me sexually I no longer care for that. I always new it, but I never told it or said it until I started T. After that it became difficult. 

He also doesn't understand that I never really liked it. I allowed him to touch me there because I thought that is what you were supposed to do. (let people do what ever they wanted to do to you sexually) I had no idea that it was ok to stand up for your self and say NO I DON'T LIKE THAT. That is where I am now. I have learned threw T it is ok to say NO.

I don't just not like it. I hate it. It reminds me of a very humiliating point in my life and him using my body for his playground reminds me of my abuser using my body for his playground.

Again I am trying to get past this but with him constantly asking me Now, can I do it now, or when will you ever let me do that again. I want to be able to touch them. Sex scares me a lot of the time. Messing with my breasts is just a precursor to what hell is to come. I guess that is why I don;t like it more then any other reason. The sex is hard enough to deal with but the sensations involved with breasts is to much.

If he would leave me alone I think it will get better. I need time to adjust and heal for me not for him. I have got to heal me first. Then I can work on doing things that involve my body being available for his pleasure.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I have a sex blog and by far this post always gets read the most:
> 
> I Married a Sex God: Boobs
> 
> ...


This is one way FW and her husband are similar to my wife and I. I absolutely love my wife's breasts. Touching them, grabbing them, licking them, all of that and more. They are pretty much my playground any time I want...in the bedroom naked, in the kitchen while she is cooking, on the couch when we are watching tv, and she has made it quite clear to me that she absolutely loves the attention.

As FW said though, there is no 'normal' per se because we are all individuals, but I know I would not be satisfied with a partner that did not allow me this pleasure, nor would she be satisfied with a partner who didn't take that pleasure, so in that way, we are perfectly matched.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Like many things in life - it's all relative.

I learned to love my breasts after many years of not.

I was my 36D from 9th grade on. Needed a bra in 4th grade. Hated my breasts. Deeply ashamed of them. Because I developed so early in life I did attract unwanted attention . I developed an eating disorder in 8th grade. I felt if I could lose enough weight I would return to my child like state. I would be rid of the attention and responsibility of being a woman. I ended up hospitalized for this my senior year of high school.

I would wear 2 minimizers, Bind myself with an ace bandage. Wear very loose clothing. 

I didn't start to love my breasts till later in life.. I am still somewhat concerned I have made myself vulnerable to breast cancer with my negative feelings of them. Perhaps that is just paranoia. 

Like many other things in life - you need to love them before it means anything that someone else does.

I wear high quality bras now, have bras I sleep in, I have learned to appreciate and love them. In my marriage I have a boob man husband. Which works for me and it doesn't as he pays little attention to anything else. 

Of course, though, it is your body and you have the right to not be touched anywhere that causes you discomfort.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Bewbs


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I am comfortable with my breasts in general. I am a blessed 38 D. I always wanted boobs. Now I have them. I want to keep them. I used them to nurse 3 kids and most shirts fit quite well or are to small because of hte boobs. Which is ok with me. I remember the boobless days of my teenage years. It was not good. 

I jsut have issues with sharing them.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

even the green turtle is excited


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

My wife has abuse in her past. It is incredibly frustrating to want to be with her, and be held at arms length. I wrote her a letter expressing what I needed from our relationship. Here is part of it, with part of it coming from the Song of Songs. 

* "I need to stand behind you and hold both of your breasts in my hands.( A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.) I need to feel the soft, warm, firmness of you. I need to feel the texture of your nipples on my fingers."*

It's probably not what you want to hear. For me, sex is not just sex, it is something that forms an incredible bond. Holding my wife as described above is a sensation akin to a calming drug flowing into my veins. Your husband may be incredibly conflicted inside. He understands your pain, but desires you so at the same time.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I find it hard to believe your breasts have NO sensation during sex. You mean if he was rubbing you between your legs, and he started sucking on your nipples at the same time, it would not hasten your orgasm? I think that is physiologically impossible. they connect to the same place in the brain.

I think you are right, you have a mental block from your past bad experiences. Have you tried some counseling to try to get over that. 

He is going to want to play with them. might as well learn to enjoy it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I didn't start to love my breasts till later in life.. I am still somewhat concerned I have made myself vulnerable to breast cancer with my negative feelings of them. Perhaps that is just paranoia.


Please don't worry. I know that idea gets thrown around a lot, that our fears can cause cancer. But I would really try to just lay that one to rest.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Not that important to me. A** man here.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I have a hard time accepting sexual hang ups such as this one. It seems that there are hundreds of posts from people who don't like this or don't like that. If this is the case then why get married?
I don't know, it seems to me that when two people get married that they commit to giving themselves to the other person sexually, within reason of course. 
But I read a lot of threads about how people withhold sex in one form or another and all it seems to do it cause marriage problems. 
My own wife has some of these hangups and to be honest it drives me insane to the point where the marriage could end. 
I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule such as people who experienced abuse, but to simply use this as a shield and not get help for it is also wrong if you have a spouse who is counting on you. That is my $.02


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> I had no idea that it was ok to stand up for your self and say NO I DON'T LIKE THAT. That is where I am now. I have learned threw T it is ok to say NO.
> 
> I don't just not like it. I hate it. It reminds me of a very humiliating point in my life and him using my body for his playground reminds me of my abuser using my body for his playground.


You absolutely have the right to say no, and you shouldn't be touched in ways that make you uncomfortable. 

*HOWEVER - it's also not fair to punish your husband for things some other man did.* And punishment is exactly how it will look to him.



> If he would leave me alone I think it will get better. I need time to adjust and heal for me not for him. I have got to heal me first. Then I can work on doing things that involve my body being available for his pleasure.


You married this guy of your own free choice right? So telling him to "leave you alone" is going down the road of disaster. You said you are going to therapy, but haven't mentioned if you two are going to couples counseling over this. *It's not just you that needs help with this, it's him too. You are a couple now. Do this together.* Don't go running off in your own world and try to heal yourself alone, or else he probably won't be there when you get back!

P.S. I can't help mentioning that there are LOTS of women in the world that would kill to have natural D sized breasts. I know it isn't fair to think this way, but reading threads like this often sounds like rich people complaining that their house is too big, their sports car is too fast, or they are so exhausted from all their vacations to Hawaii!!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

That was very sensitive, intheory.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> I find it hard to believe your breasts have NO sensation during sex. You mean if he was rubbing you between your legs, and he started sucking on your nipples at the same time, it would not hasten your orgasm? I think that is physiologically impossible. they connect to the same place in the brain.
> 
> I think you are right, you have a mental block from your past bad experiences. Have you tried some counseling to try to get over that.
> 
> He is going to want to play with them. might as well learn to enjoy it.


I know part of the fault is mine, I am very insecure, and have a hard time yielding to others. Mainly because that yielding has been a gift abused. My H was also abusive in the past, and I have a very hard time trusting him.

I should have said I have no positive sensation. I have sensation alright, but it scares me, and I don't like it, and it reminds me of the past. In the events that it doesn't remind me of the past abuse and rape, it reminds me of what my H insists upon and how much he hates that I don't like to share this with him. That kills the joy. When someone demands you find this pleasurable, sometimes ya just can't.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Theseus said:


> You absolutely have the right to say no, and you shouldn't be touched in ways that make you uncomfortable.
> 
> *HOWEVER - it's also not fair to punish your husband for things some other man did.* And punishment is exactly how it will look to him.


That is exactly how he sees it. I struggle with trying to over come this knowing it feels like he is being unfairly punished.



Theseus said:


> You married this guy of your own free choice right? So telling him to "leave you alone" is going down the road of disaster. You said you are going to therapy, but haven't mentioned if you two are going to couples counseling over this. *It's not just you that needs help with this, it's him too. You are a couple now. Do this together.* Don't go running off in your own world and try to heal yourself alone, or else he probably won't be there when you get back!


I didn't choose my words wisely. I needed to be more clear in what I meant. Sorry. I should have said instead of leave me alone, I should have said he needs to leave this area of conversation as well as this area of my body alone for the time being. Asking me every time we have sex NOW, CAN I PLAY WITH THEM, NOW. Recovery from abuse takes more then a week sorry. 

We are in MC. My main issues is overcoming abuse and he is working on how to accommodate that and have his needs met as well. 



Theseus said:


> P.S. I can't help mentioning that there are LOTS of women in the world that would kill to have natural D sized breasts. I know it isn't fair to think this way, but reading threads like this often sounds like rich people complaining that their house is too big, their sports car is too fast, or they are so exhausted from all their vacations to Hawaii!!


 I never said I was uncomfortable with the ownership of boobs. I like owning them and have always wanted them. I was so flat chested as a teenager. I am thrilled to have boobs and plentiful boobs at that. One day I will want to share them with my H. When I know I am safe, he is safe for me to share with, and I over come all this crap that gets in the way. With IC and MC it will happen. Maybe not today or not tomorrow or even next month. But it will happen and if he will leave the subject alone I can progress at my pace and he will be allowed back in to his play ground soon.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Warning - I am about to project my situation here! You say when you feel safe, you will let your husband back to the playground. PLEASE show him that some progress is being made. My wife told me she needed time & to feel safe when she told me about her abuse. That was 28 years ago. Our situation blew up January of this year. I told her for 28 years I have done my very best to be a caring, protective husband. I'm not perfect, but I always swing for the fences in regards to our relationship. I reminded her of what she said and had to ask, "Will you ever feel like you will trust me?" What I learned the hard way is when she says she needs "Time", all she is doing is kicking the can down the road.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Warning - I am about to project my situation here! You say when you feel safe, you will let your husband back to the playground. PLEASE show him that some progress is being made. My wife told me she needed time & to feel safe when she told me about her abuse. That was 28 years ago. Our situation blew up January of this year. I told her for 28 years I have done my very best to be a caring, protective husband. I'm not perfect, but I always swing for the fences in regards to our relationship. I reminded her of what she said and had to ask, "Will you ever feel like you will trust me?" What I learned the hard way is when she says she needs "Time", all she is doing is kicking the can down the road.


I am sorry you are in a similar situation. You sound lots like my husband. He asks Will u EVER TRUST ME. And I tell him I need time. I hope the difference between my H and you is that you are understanding especially out of the bed room. 

My H shoots himself in the foot all the time. HE did this morning, he told our son "You better get your keester (nice word for ass) off that couch and clean that bathroom if you wanna go to town with me". That is the kind of language that makes me not wanted to make myself vulnerable to this man. He has aspurgers, which is no excuse, but he could have much more easily said "You need to clean your bathroom before we leave if you want to go town with me." That would have been so much easier to hear and say he is trying to be nice. I am always waiting for that tone to be turned on me. I am waiting for his anger to be directed my way.


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## Pkwanderer (Aug 3, 2014)

Breasts are very important to the sexual need of men as big breasts are fascination of all men and those who deny this are liars with a Capital L. There is something about breasts which make men loose their head and this is because nature intended it to be so. As women's breasts have fine aesthetics which no matter how many men may disagree, is something no man can ever have, even transsexuals or transvestites.
The basic thing with breasts is the areolas and nipples, which obviously different in size are a source of primal pleasure as men have loved to suck on them being fed on them as babies and suddenly they at a certain age are taken away, so the hidden needs are then fulfilled when wives or women are near and their breasts are used for fulfilment of the same.
No matter what, the sexual need of a man will only be fulfilled when big boobs are staring him in the face. And even when covered, men will always steal glances at women's assets..........such is the hidden magnetic sexual attraction in breasts.
Plus men have legs & butts themselves, so the fascination of boobs will always be greater in men's lives.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Breasts are very important.

I saw my wifes breasts today and there is something strange that goes on in a mans eye.

Some kind of automatic magical filter makes them very fascinating.

To me breasts of all sizes are interesting but small to medium are most attractive.

I am not a fan of big boobs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

roostr said:


> I have a hard time accepting sexual hang ups such as this one. It seems that there are hundreds of posts from people who don't like this or don't like that. If this is the case then why get married?
> I don't know, it seems to me that when two people get married that they commit to giving themselves to the other person sexually, within reason of course.
> But I read a lot of threads about how people withhold sex in one form or another and all it seems to do it cause marriage problems.
> My own wife has some of these hangups and to be honest it drives me insane to the point where the marriage could end.
> I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule such as people who experienced abuse, but to simply use this as a shield and not get help for it is also wrong if you have a spouse who is counting on you. That is my $.02


I think that you have pointed out one of the serious problems in modern society. Nobody is wrong here, nobody is fully right here either. Our society makes things much worse by refusing to even talk about it.

So women rightfully act as if their bodies are theirs and theirs alone, even when a horny husband wants a handful. And men grow up with the expectation that when they marry they will have access to everything. And believe me, men do grow up anticipating this.

There is a serious disconnect here. Perhaps if we were more open about things, had movies with real love scenes, and had discussions of the actual reality of sex in school some of this could be overcome. My personal belief is that this area is directly responsible for a good part of our divorce rate and indirectly responsible (via infidelity) for another good part.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Welcome to TAM. It is a strange and wonderful place where everybody has at least one opinion about every situation.

But please don't use absolutes like "all" unless you really have evidence for it. You did this when you wrote:


Pkwanderer said:


> Breasts are very important to the sexual need of men as big breasts are fascination of all men and those who deny this are liars with a Capital L.


I'll volunteer myself as one who has always preferred small breasts. They come close to fitting the hand and as a result can be stimulated in many ways without fumbling -- and best of all (for me) is that I find them cute.

And I really don't like artificially enhanced breasts. Really really.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

I don't want to change this subject, but I do wonder how sensitive men's nipples are and how that is any different from women's nipples/ breasts. I like my nipples touched, but it doesn't make me wildly exited at all. Is it just more a man's thing to touch breasts indeed?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Big	Mama, i'm sorry for what happened to you. I too am a sexual abuse survivor, so as one survivor to another you might want to consider this question: how much of your discomfort is the act itself and how much is that your hb plays with them even knowing you hate it? I've found that because of my abuse I have severe trust issues and it's of utmost importance that I trust my hb completely to have my back. Otherwise I'd have a wall up; you may not trust your hb to have your back because he does what he wants knowing it bothers you. My hb wouldn't, he'd be damn disappointed but watching my back is more important to him then his pleasure. Because of this I feel safe and can enjoy things with him. I have a feeling you don't feel safe with your hb and that's a big reason you don't enjoy it. What do you think?

EDIT: I posted the above before I even saw your abuse comment. There you go; you'll never, ever trust him and thus enjoy intimacy with him as long as he behaves like an a$$. Get counseling for both of you now, and next time he tells you to clean the bathroom tell him to clean it his damn self. Abuse is about the powerlessness of the abused; take some power back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Theseus said:


> You absolutely have the right to say no, and you shouldn't be touched in ways that make you uncomfortable.
> 
> *HOWEVER - it's also not fair to punish your husband for things some other man did.* And punishment is exactly how it will look to him.
> 
> ...


He's not entirely beong punished for the sins of someone else, he was abusive too. So in that sense he's reaping.

And i'm sorry, this is so not directed at you but I have to laugh at the irony of a claim that it's not fair for a guy to be punished for the actions of another guy when this site is full of men swearing they'll never get married again because their ex put them through the ringer. So apparently it is ok to punish future partners for the actions of your ex in that case. But I digress....

I agree that they both need counseling here though, she can't trust him while he behaves like an arse and he should be able to have a full sex life with her, and one that she enjoys as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

catfan said:


> I don't want to change this subject, but I do wonder how sensitive men's nipples are and how that is any different from women's nipples/ breasts. I like my nipples touched, but it doesn't make me wildly exited at all. Is it just more a man's thing to touch breasts indeed?


Men's nipples can be sensitive up to a point. It seems that not only are we all different, but we respond differently at different times. I've been in a situation where a woman who normally did not have sensitive nipples would pull my head down and push a nipple into my mouth as she neared orgasm.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> My H shoots himself in the foot all the time. HE (was angry).


It's a never ending amazement to me that low desire people don't realize that their spouses tend to be more angry, specifically because of being chronically sexually rejected.









Anyone who's feeling and acting angry because of frigidity needs to frequently remind their partner of why they're not being a wonderful person, because they simply don't seem to get it without frequent reminders. (Do LD people suffer from a sort of aspurgers?)

And as far as "time" is concerned, that reminds me of the common complaint, "Well maybe if you didn't want it and talk about it all the time, I'd be more interested." As far as I can tell, in the long history of the world, refraining from talking about wanting sex has never induced a spouse to be more sexual.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

catfan said:


> I don't want to change this subject, but I do wonder how sensitive men's nipples are and how that is any different from women's nipples/ breasts. I like my nipples touched, but it doesn't make me wildly exited at all. Is it just more a man's thing to touch breasts indeed?


many women can have a full orgasm just from breast stimulation. It takes a little longer, like 10 to 15 minutes, but the orgasm that results is earth shaking. 

Maybe you do not have that much breast sensation. OR maybe you have not had a partner who knows how to do it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

bestyet2be said:


> It's a never ending amazement to me that low desire people don't realize that their spouses tend to be more angry, specifically because of being chronically sexually rejected.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



It never ceases to amaze me how some people think all sexual wants and needs should be catered to enthusiastically before you can even think about asking someone to be a decent partner and to treat you decently. This guy isn't going without, he's just not getting all the enthusiasm he wants, and part of it is his own fault. He's been abusive; we don't demand that men who have been rejected in the past and as result have a hard time connecting with a wife that's trying to do better but still rejects sometimes suck it up. Why is this this different?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband would be absolutely devastated if I had some kind of issue guarding him from my breasts..as one poster said, it's always magical somehow.. he probably spends as much time there than on my lips when we make love..


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## fr33yay0 (Aug 9, 2014)

My wife's are DD 36 and I enjoy them. She lays on top of my and rubs them on my chest. They do wonders for me... I love playing with them, etc... she seems to get aroused by it as well. I am def. a chest man...


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Big Mama said:


> I am sorry you are in a similar situation. You sound lots like my husband. He asks Will u EVER TRUST ME. And I tell him I need time. I hope the difference between my H and you is that you are understanding especially out of the bed room.
> 
> My H shoots himself in the foot all the time. HE did this morning, he told *our son* "You better get your keester (nice word for ass) off that couch and clean that bathroom if you wanna go to town with me". That is the kind of language that makes me not wanted to make myself vulnerable to this man. He has aspurgers, which is no excuse, but he could have much more easily said "You need to clean your bathroom before we leave if you want to go town with me." That would have been so much easier to hear and say he is trying to be nice. I am always waiting for that tone to be turned on me. I am waiting for his anger to be directed my way.


Let me give you credit for going to counseling. My wife does not want to address her past issues. 

Secondly, at first I thought your husband had said this to you, in which case,he's a jerk for not understanding your distrust. However, on rereading, you said your son, which can be a whole different ballgame. 

I have three boys, each of them need to be dealt with differently. One, if I even gave him "the look", he would break into tears almost. Another, I would literally have to tell him "Git your (*^&^%&*& A** moving NOW" before he would attend to task at hand. 

The third is in the middle. Dad's & son's have a different dynamic than Mom's & son's. My wife used to tell me I was too hard on our kids until she had to ask me to deal with some situations. She expressed frustration and said "They always respond better to you" 

To which I replied "Because they know I will be in their face otherwise". Before you think I'm abusive, let me tell you what my one son said the other night. We were watching the movie "Taken", which is about a child kidnapped in another country. The lead character goes to other country and thru lots of violence, etc, gets his child back. My 18 year old turned to me during the movie & said "That would be you dad, you always watch out for us" I had to leave the room, my eyes teared up so bad. I don't always take their side if they mess up in school, etc, but they know I will treat them as fairly as possible.

Express what you said here to your husband, in his mind, there is no connection to how he is dealing with your son, and YOUR sex life.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> There you go; you'll never, ever trust him and thus enjoy intimacy with him as long as he behaves like an a$$. Get counseling for both of you now, and next time he tells you to clean the bathroom tell him to clean it his damn self. Abuse is about the powerlessness of the abused; take some power back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you misread Big Mama. Her husband shouted at their *SON* to clean the bathroom, not her. And I can't say that's necessarily abusive anyway as we have no information about the tone he used or the circumstances behind it. 



lifeistooshort said:


> And i'm sorry, this is so not directed at you but I have to laugh at the irony of a claim that it's not fair for a guy to be punished for the actions of another guy when this site is full of men swearing they'll never get married again because their ex put them through the ringer. So apparently it is ok to punish future partners for the actions of your ex in that case.


It's not OK to punish anyone for the sins of someone else.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> But please don't use absolutes like "all" unless you really have evidence for it. ...
> 
> I'll volunteer myself as one who has always preferred small breasts. They come close to fitting the hand and as a result can be stimulated in many ways without fumbling -- and best of all (for me) is that I find them cute.
> 
> And I really don't like artificially enhanced breasts. Really really.


She didn't say *large* breasts were important to all men, just breasts period. And you just agreed with her by confirming they are important to you too. 

I suppose they wouldn't be important to gay men. But for me - I could not imagine living without breasts in my life and my marriage. They are that important.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Let me give you credit for going to counseling. My wife does not want to address her past issues.
> 
> Secondly, at first I thought your husband had said this to you, in which case,he's a jerk for not understanding your distrust. However, on rereading, you said your son, which can be a whole different ballgame.
> 
> Express what you said here to your husband, in his mind, there is no connection to how he is dealing with your son, and YOUR sex life.


The significance of that was to me more I guess. He used to be verbally abusive to me, and emotionally abusive. Now that he has stopped treating me like that he talks to our children like ****, just like he used to do me. He has learned that you don't talk to adults like that, or at least ones you are married to. But you can talk to children that way. 

It is a constant reminder of how much he says he has changed his evil ways and will be more pleasant. But I see him behave this way towards our children often, and when he is to angry to be mindful of what he says he is that way with me to. 

This affect sex how you may ask. If I am trying to find trust and safety in my husband this is not doing it. This is proving he is n different then he was a year ago. It is just not directed at me any more. I fear it is a matter of time before it comes my way again. So as long as this is going on, I don't feel a since of safety, I have a sense of fear. That fear doesn't build trust, and I don't let him into my heart. If I don;t feel safe with him and there is a lack of connection and love it is hard to allow him trustful access to my body.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Theseus said:


> I think you misread Big Mama. Her husband shouted at their *SON* to clean the bathroom, not her. And I can't say that's necessarily abusive anyway as we have no information about the tone he used or the circumstances behind it.
> 
> 
> 
> It's not OK to punish anyone for the sins of someone else.



You're right, I did misread the bathroom comment so my bad there. He does have a history of treating her poorly though and a sexual abuse victim will have trust issues to begin with, so you can't treat someone like this like crap and then expect them to simply get over it if you stop. She doesn't trust him, and on top of that he insists on things he knows she hates. Quite possible that if he just stopped and demonstrated that what bothers her bothers him she might open up to it. At least he'd know he tried; they both need outside help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> You're right, I did misread the bathroom comment so my bad there. He does have a history of treating her poorly though and a sexual abuse victim will have trust issues to begin with, so you can't treat someone like this like crap and then expect them to simply get over it if you stop. She doesn't trust him, and on top of that he insists on things he knows she hates. Quite possible that if he just stopped and demonstrated that what bothers her bothers him she might open up to it. At least he'd know he tried; they both need outside help.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 
Someone understands. IfI could reach threw this computer and hug you I would, and I don't even like hugging people. Thank you is all I can say.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Big	Mama, i'm sorry for what happened to you. I too am a sexual abuse survivor, so as one survivor to another you might want to consider this question: how much of your discomfort is the act itself and how much is that your hb plays with them even knowing you hate it? I've found that because of my abuse I have severe trust issues and it's of utmost importance that I trust my hb completely to have my back. Otherwise I'd have a wall up; you may not trust your hb to have your back because he does what he wants knowing it bothers you. My hb wouldn't, he'd be damn disappointed but watching my back is more important to him then his pleasure. Because of this I feel safe and can enjoy things with him. I have a feeling you don't feel safe with your hb and that's a big reason you don't enjoy it. What do you think?


I am sorry that you have to know what I am talking about. Abuse sucks. What do I think? HE knows I hate it. He knows that doing that strikes a fear and pain in my that I have not dealth with at the moment. He knows I am working my ass off to get better and over come these hurtles. I have never taken care of me, I have always let people trample on me and do to me as they wished. I am learning to say NO, I DON'T LIKE THAT. I have my reasons, and he knows them, he understands, the T talks to him and tries to help him understand where I am coming from. He wants what he wants, and I should give it because we are married. Who am I to rob him of what another man robbed me of. That is not what I am doing. Another man hurt me, this man hurt me, this man doesn't care, this man wants what he wants, and I am trying to take care of me, I am trying to make me better for me and for us. But he wants his needs met NOW. 

I'm sorry I strayed from the question. The question was if I felt more safe with my H would I let him do this more freely. Yes. I am safe only in terms of him not putting his hands on me or letting any one else put there hands on me. But he hurts me emotionally and verbally all the time, and he hurts others the same way. He has stopped hurting me as often that way, but continues to hurt others, what is to stop me form being his next victim. I once was ya know. It could happen again.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

bestyet2be said:


> It's a never ending amazement to me that low desire people don't realize that their spouses tend to be more angry, specifically because of being chronically sexually rejected.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Do you now what aspurgers is. It is an autistic spectrum disorder. It is a social disorder. Missing social ques, being self centered because of the inability to think of others perspectives. Aspurgers is often misdiagnosed as Narcissistic personality disorder. That is the extreme side of things granted. 

Aspurgers folks come in HD and LD both. 

Your statement was: As far as I can tell, in the long history of the world, refraining from talking about wanting sex has never induced a spouse to be more sexual.

Talking about it and arguing about it every time you mention it has never induced a spouse to be more sexual either.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Replying to my comment that people, "tend to be more angry, specifically because of being chronically sexually rejected."



lifeistooshort said:


> Wrote: "This guy isn't going without, he's just not getting all the enthusiasm he wants..."


I gather we differ on whether the fact that Big Mama and husband are having intercourse, perhaps even frequent intercourse, means that her husband isn't feeling rejected. Reading between the lines, my perception was that her husband probably does feel sexually rejected. Apparently lifeistooshort concluded, very differently, that her husband only perceives some disappointing lack of enthusiasm and wouldn't characterize that as "rejection."

I wish I had differentiated my comments to specific posters it this thread.







But I'll try to clarify now: Big Mama, my concern was that you might be setting the stage for a self-fulfilling prophecy, since although you fear your husband might become more angry, and direct this anger at you, if Theseus is correct that, "punishment is exactly how it will look to him."


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> Your statement was: As far as I can tell, in the long history of the world, refraining from talking about wanting sex has never induced a spouse to be more sexual.
> 
> Talking about it and arguing about it every time you mention it has never induced a spouse to be more sexual either.


Put together, I think those two statements capture the despair of many of the people posting in this section!

But back to you, after reading more of what you've written, I feel like I have a much clearer picture. What comes through is that you're thinking very hard about what to do, and most importantly, you're determined to make things good. I bet you will!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> I have my reasons, and he knows them, he understands, the T talks to him and tries to help him understand where I am coming from. He wants what he wants, and I should give it because we are married.


He doesn't have a right to your body, but still shouldn't he have expected sex after marriage? That is a normal expectation.

Big Mama, I'll ask you the same question I asked many other abuse victims: *why did you get married then???* Most people have a reasonable expectation that marriage = a sex life. And a sex life means your breasts will be touched!! If your trauma was severe enough that it still bothers you to this day, then you weren't ready to be married, unless you were getting married to a man that doesn't care about a sex life.



> _Who am I to rob him of what another man robbed me of. That is not what I am doing. Another man hurt me, this man hurt me, this man doesn't care, this man wants what he wants, and I am trying to take care of me, I am trying to make me better for me and for us. But he wants his needs met NOW._


Well, I agree "rob" is the wrong word, but if you use the word "deny" it still doesn't make it much better. Your husband does have a point here. By screwing up your sex life, *the man who once victimized you is now victimizing two people: You and your husband.*



Big Mama said:


> Do you now what aspurgers is. It is an autistic spectrum disorder. It is a social disorder. Missing social ques, being self centered because of the inability to think of others perspectives. Aspurgers is often misdiagnosed as Narcissistic personality disorder.


It's interesting that you call your husband's mental health issues "abuse", yet you expect him to be understanding of your own mental health issues. Don't you think he sees your actions as "abuse" as well? If he has aspergers, then he can't help many of his outbursts, the same way YOU can't help your sexual hangups. If you want him to be more understanding of your issues, maybe you should be more understanding of his.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
> Someone understands. IfI could reach threw this computer and hug you I would, and I don't even like hugging people. Thank you is all I can say.


Here's sending lots of hugs your way! It's another exclusive club nobody wants to be a part of. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

bestyet2be said:


> It's a never ending amazement to me that low desire people don't realize that their spouses tend to be more angry, specifically because of being chronically sexually rejected.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't think it is that simple. Folk's level of desire can and does vary greatly over time. If a person has no desire, then they can't really be "talked into it". Sure, a woman can take a man even when she has no desire, but one better see to proper lubrication and show a little care. And most of us do not enjoy sex much if our partner isn't interested. Doesn't mean we don't desire it, just means that it isn't working well.

Worse, I really don't think that low desire people are low desire on purpose. There are times when it frustrates them as much as their partner.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> Worse, I really don't think that low desire people are low desire on purpose. There are times when it frustrates them as much as their partner.


Sure, but I'm overwhelmed with how often people who seem otherwise fully able to perceive and appropriately respond to the feelings, emotions, and needs of others seem uniquely unable to do so, just in the realm of sexuality. That's why I remarked that LD seemed like a very limited kind of Aspurgurs, in a slang, imprecise, and perhaps unkind (I'm sorry!) way.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

bestyet2be said:


> Replying to my comment that people, "tend to be more angry, specifically because of being chronically sexually rejected."
> 
> 
> 
> ...




We are having sex. The Non enthusiastic put out kind if sex. But yes it is made available from time to time. I am sure my H feels rejected. Even though he gets to have it, it is not in the wanting way he would like. 

My H does look at this issues as he is being punished for someone elses wrong doings.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

bestyet2be said:


> Put together, I think those two statements capture the despair of many of the people posting in this section!
> 
> But back to you, after reading more of what you've written, I feel like I have a much clearer picture. What comes through is that you're thinking very hard about what to do, and most importantly, you're determined to make things good. I bet you will!


I am trying, I really am. If I didn't care I wouldn't be here continuing to work on this marriage. It is definitely easier to turn my back and walk away. I want to make things work, and I have a limited amount of people I can talk to about this subject thank you guys so much for your responses. TAM has a great mixture of all kinds of folks with all kinds of issues .Thank again all of you .


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Theseus said:


> Big Mama, I'll ask you the same question I asked many other abuse victims: *why did you get married then???* Most people have a reasonable expectation that marriage = a sex life. And a sex life means your breasts will be touched!!
> 
> Your husband does have a point here. By screwing up your sex life, *the man who once victimized you is now victimizing two people: You and your husband.*
> 
> ...


Question one...Why did I get married. Because I was 19 and that is what you are supposed to do. I didn't realize at the time the affect that rape and CSA had on my out look of sex. I just though God I hate this. It will get better. I didn't realize the full impact of rape and CSA until I started IT/MC two years ago.

Point two... Abuse never affects just the one person it is done to. It affects me, it affects my H, it affects, my daughter in the way I raise and protect her, and it affects my family if I choose to tell them. Because of one persons selfish need, me and so many others are having to pay the price. 

Point three....I don't think I said Aspurgers is a form of mental abuse. I did say that he has been emotionally and mentally abusive towards me and towards my children. The mental issues I have now are mainly because of him, Battered wife syndrome,(minus the battery and YES it does exist that way as well) and PTSD, and depression. None of these I had until I got married to him. 

My son has aspurgers as well and I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to keep things in a routine, how to create a routine when we are on vacation, the foods that these aspies will and won't eat due to texture and liking the same things served over and over again. I try to figure out what is going on behind the scenes when someone has an out burst. What issues contribute to this. It is a difficult issue to live with, but it is doable and my H is teachable.


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## Big Tree (Jul 25, 2014)

My wife has Aspergers. I get this part of what you are going through.

Being married to a spouse with AS is hard but doable for a tough NT. It is doubly hard on an NT that needs lots of empathy and support. I hope you are looking for empathy and support from many sources that you trust.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> Question one...Why did I get married. Because I was 19 and that is what you are supposed to do.


Then you definitely grew up in a different place than me.



> _ Point two... Abuse never affects just the one person it is done to. It affects me, it affects my H, it affects, my daughter in the way I raise and protect her, and it affects my family if I choose to tell them. Because of one persons selfish need, me and so many others are having to pay the price. _


Absolutely.



> _Point three....I don't think I said Aspurgers is a form of mental abuse. I did say that he has been emotionally and mentally abusive towards me and towards my children. _


But isn't a lot of the abuse (his temper and shouting) due to the Asperger's? That's my point.




> _My son has aspurgers as well and I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to keep things in a routine, how to create a routine when we are on vacation, the foods that these aspies will and won't eat due to texture and liking the same things served over and over again. I try to figure out what is going on behind the scenes when someone has an out burst. What issues contribute to this. It is a difficult issue to live with, but it is doable and my H is teachable_.


Your son has it too?? Holy cow, your family has multiple issues. I don't envy the challenges you all face. 

The only advice I could give at this point is try not to put your husband in the category of "enemy". Especially on this forum, too often these problems devolve into a "men vs. women" blame game. It sounds like he has his own issues, and maybe you should be more understanding of them. Of course, he needs to be understanding of yours as well!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

sidney2718 said:


> What is important to me is that the breasts be sensitive. Some women have that, others don't. Some sensitive breast women can *almost* be brought to orgasm by touching and teasing alone.
> 
> Other women with unsensitive breasts can simply become annoyed with breast attention, much as a guy would not appreciate too much attention being paid to his elbows.


Off topic, seeing as how this thread has progressed, but anyway:

I know a woman who CAN be brought to orgasm by touching her breasts. Not "almost". Very impressive!

To answer the first question, like a million pages back:

Breasts are something we men don't have (well, at least not the way you women have them!) I suppose there's also the maternal thing going on with them, too. (ew)

I've known women who LOVE a mans penis, and others to whom it does nothing at all.

I'm not really a boob guy, tbh. I LIKE them, of course (and small is better! But I DO like bigger ones, too...:smthumbup: ) But are they important to me? Not really. To some guys, they're VERY important, just as to some women the size/shape/esthetics of a penis at all is important. Or just having a penis is important.

Even though boobs aren't really all that sexual, they've been sexualized and covered and hidden, so there's something pretty awesome about that bra coming off!

Back to the regularly scheduled, totally off-topic (yet very interesting) remainder of the thread!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Do you enjoy sex with your husband, but want to avoid just the breast play for now? 

If so, could you compromise somehow?

1. Maybe give him more sex, if he agrees to leave your boobs alone.
2. Try more positions that mostly put your breasts out of his reach. Like "reverse cowgirl" for example.
3. Maybe more bj's for him? That way you could position yourself in a way that makes you feel ok, while meeting his needs for sex. 
4. Wear a bra and tank top to sleep in, but no panties...kind of a reminder.... you can play down here, but not up here. 

It's a shame that he is insensitive about it. BUT.... isn't part of autism the fascination of certain things? Even if it seems weird to other people? Even if it is socially odd or unacceptable? Isn't part of autism BEING insensitive??? 

That's why I suggested ideas that pretty much put it back on you to deal with. YOU have an issue with it, you need to figure out how to cope (which you are working on...I get that, good for you!), but you have to be sensitive to his issue also. His issue isn't just sex or boobs...either the autism is real or it isn't.... if it is, then again... YOU have to figure out how to deal with it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Big Mama said:


> Yes he does know. He doesn't understand why I used to like it but upon talking about and discovering fully what happened to me sexually I no longer care for that. I always new it, but I never told it or said it until I started T. After that it became difficult.
> 
> He also doesn't understand that I never really liked it. _*I allowed him to touch me there because I thought that is what you were supposed to do. (let people do what ever they wanted to do to you sexually) I had no idea that it was ok to stand up for your self and say NO I DON'T LIKE THAT. That is where I am now. I have learned threw T it is ok to say NO.*_
> 
> ...


First I would say that I love the female form but more breasts than butt. I need to play with both to feel satisfied.

The above quote is the issue I would have. It is one thing to have an issue with something, no matter what it is, and be forthcoming and tell your partner. This should be before marriage And stated I don't like this and never will. It's your body and your right to do so no matter the reason. He then has the information to make HIS decision on what he will have to live with.

As I read this you told him it was ok and let him touch them and NOW have changed on that. That would be tantamount to a bait and switch for me and would either need to be fixed fast or would quickly become a deal breaker. I have been the guy who loved and nurtured a woman who punished me for the sins of the past man and I wouldn't stand for that again.

Just curious if you ever looked at it from his perspective. 

And for what it's worth sorry about what you went through, it's a horrible thing


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## hartvalve (Mar 15, 2014)

Sorry about your past.. I hope your ability to overcome the pain & memory happens sooner than later.

My breasts are x-tremely important to my sexual fulfillment. Manipulated properly in conjunction with all the rest-- Has the power to remove initial negatives from my mind, if there were any.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

bestyet2be said:


> Replying to my comment that people, "tend to be more angry, specifically because of being chronically sexually rejected."
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Not entirely accurate. I"m sure he does feel rejected to some degree but the question becomes why is this, and how much is her responsibility alone and how much does he share? In my view, sex does not exist in a vacuum and is subject to other influences. Some people believe that marriage alone entitles spouses to lots of enthusiastic sex, regardless of their treatment of their spouse, and until that is achieved nothing else can be considered. I don' believe this; the rejection he feels is partly his fault and he's got to give as well as her. She is currently having sex with him, thus my comment about him not going without, and I would be very sympathetic if he'd been nothing but a kind, supportive husband. But he hasn't been, and as far as I can see he's given absolutely nothing besides maybe becoming less abusive. What else has he done? Nothing. He continues to do what he wants and p!ss and moan about how she doesn't trust him. We would never tell a BS that their WS has stopped cheating so that should be enough.....no, we'd demand to know what kind of heavy lifting they'd done. What kind of heavy lifting has he done to demonstrate that she can trust him and to heal the damage between them? Nothing. He continues to do things he knows she hates while demanding to know when she's going to trust him, and then if he's angry it must be because he's not getting enough sex. Except that he's an adult, and he's not entitled to have sex catered to him on his terms with no effort on his part to be a decent partner.

Hopefully that makes my view clearer.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Answering the original question: I like boobs, but they’re not the most important thing. I like ‘em even if she’s flat chested (AA ftw) and actually place more importance on good nipples than the rest of the boob. Regarding orgasms… I had a woman tell me that for her, boob and nipple play felt good to her maybe 15% of the time, the rest she just wished her partner would hurry up and move on to something else already (and she added other women had agreed). I absolutely do not enjoy women touching my nipples.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"Question one...Why did I get married. Because I was 19 and that is what you are supposed to do." Big Mama

That's a refreshingly, brutally honest answer, and one that while not the best reason to get married is one that I dare might say, more people than you might think would say the same thing if it came right down to it.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I love boobs. I've enjoyed a few boobs in my time and they're just the cats meow. Its just wonderful to burrow my face into them and feel and breath every inch of them.

My wife has had breast reconstruction due to cancer preemption, so they're a bit scarred up and not perfect, but neither am I (is how I look at it). 

So I still partake and enjoy! And my wife loves it!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, let him do whatever it is that he desires with your breasts. 

By nature, we love them........for whatever reason.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

When sucking on breasts, I feel safe, secure, and loved. I've heard that people love sucking on breasts because it reminds them of the instinctual feeling of being protected and taken care of by their mothers. Maybe butt men were never breast fed. I wasn't breast fed, and I do not have this huge infatuation or need to flick a girls nipples when I see them. However, I do feel safe and loved when I suck on my wife's breast and she grabs my head and holds me to her chest.

I'd say the same feeling of being safe, loved, and protected is something I get from also being inside my wife. I feel like I am inside her, safe, with no worries in the world. 

For what it's worth, my wife is bisexual and she also loves to play and suck on a woman's breast.


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## calamityjim (Jul 18, 2014)

I wasn't planning to throw my hat in the arena, as I don't really feel that I have much to add beyond what's been said. I have recently discovered (believe it or not) that I'm a boob man. My wife hates her breasts, especially post-pregnancy. They're uneven, areolas are different sizes, stretch marks, "empty," they sag a little. But I couldn't be more happy with them. She's not a fan of breast attention unless she's really in the mood.

But anyway, this is the first thing that came to mind when I saw this thread, and I just happened to run back across it today:


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"By nature, we love them........for whatever reason." DoF

It would take a sonnet by the likes of Shakespeare, Yeats or Shelly to adequately describe the wonder of them, how delightful they are and why we like them.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

My boobs are sensitive and I get turned on when my husband plays with them. Unfortunately he is not a boob man so it is not often. I sometimes have to prompt him to go there.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Love a good set of boobs, but have to be real, and have to be proportional. Still get hard thinking about my ex's D cup's - perfectly proportioned to her body, and she loved me sucking on them and playing with them. 

Wife is a C cup, and love playing with hers on the extremely rare times that we have sex.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> The above quote is the issue I would have. It is one thing to have an issue with something, no matter what it is, and be forthcoming and tell your partner. This should be before marriage And stated I don't like this and never will. It's your body and your right to do so no matter the reason. He then has the information to make HIS decision on what he will have to live with.
> 
> As I read this you told him it was ok and let him touch them and NOW have changed on that. That would be tantamount to a bait and switch for me and would either need to be fixed fast or would quickly become a deal breaker.
> 
> ...


Thanks. It is a horrible thing. Now to the question.... I had sex with my H before we got married. I cried knowing we were going to have sex, I cried while we had sex, I cried after we had sex. There were not sessions of great love and joy. There were sessions of letting him have sex with me.

I thought the rape had no impact on me. I could just pretend it never happened. But I couldn't understand why I cried during sex. It didn't hurt, it wasn't horrible, I just cried for some unknown reason. 

I told my H shortly after we began dating that I would not be giving any BJ's, due to a past bad experience. Some one made me do it, and I have no plans of ever doing it again. I thought that would cover all the bases. I told him again before we ever had sex. I never told him about the degree of rapes. Then after a year of marriage he became abusive, verbally and mentally. So I didn't trust him much anymore. Then he became controlling and the OCD took over. I can't even begin to tell you the things I have gone threw with this man. Only after getting T 20 years after we were married did I realize that rape and CSA had a life long impact. To over come the things that happened I needed to take care of me for the first time in my life. If I didn't like something now was the time to say no. Upon receiving permission from my T, I no longer had to put out twice a week, maybe try no sex for a month then ease back into it at a speed that worked for me. (Which happens to be once every 2 weeks) My H has come to realize if he wants sex with a willing partner then he may need to wait. Having permission to not HAVE TO have sex was the best thing my marriage has ever been threw.To take that off the table completely has been a true blessing. The relief I felt knowing I didn't have to worry about sex was unreal. It let me enjoy life with my husband again. My H at least has a half way willing partner for sex, not someone just doing there wifely duty. 

As for the boobs, well that is gonna take a bit longer. Every time he badgers me it sets me back even more. It reminds me of being roped into sex, it reminds me of the humiliation, it reminds me of the cohersing. I can allow him to touch them, but I cannot force my self to stay present. In the name of getting better, at the moment it is better to avoid that part of things. He should be happy I am able to have sex with him at all. He him self has not been good to me. HE has repeated many things that were very similar to what the rapist did. Even after being told by me and by the T don't do that, he still continues to push his luck. I have what is similar to combative PTSD. It is the touching and skin to skin contact that I cannot deal with. I am taking medication for depression and it may help some with the PTSD as well. But it kills the sex drive.

I am not just being some B that doesn't want to share her body. I feel very much that it is beyond my control. That is why I am in T.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> I am not just being some B thta doesn't want to share her body. I feel very much that it is beyond my control. That is why I am in T.


And yet you don't believe the Asperger's is beyond your husband's control? Once again, if you want him to be more understanding of you, then you need to be more understanding of him.


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## Big Tree (Jul 25, 2014)

Theseus said:


> And yet you don't believe the Asperger's is beyond your husband's control? Once again, if you want him to be more understanding of you, then you need to be more understanding of him.



If you choose to stay with a spouse with Aspergers, you have to overlook their lack of empathy and understanding. If you can't do that, you will drive yourself and your spouse nuts.

The bad news...he is not going to be more understanding of you.

The good news...he can learn behaviors that look exactly like he understands you better.

Work on the good news if you can.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Amen, I am not a B. and yes my H has Aspurgers. I get that he is going to lack understanding. I don;t know if I am going to stay or if I am going to go. 

I know I want off this ride, The marry go round is no fun. I know he is teachable, I know I am teachable. I know no one wants to hear what some call religious crap. But I did make a commitment for life, for better or for worse. What a scum bag I would be because I found out my H had a mental issue, and he would be a scum bag for leaving me for my issues. So what do we do, suffer together, and be miserable, live in the same household and avoid a real connection with each other, or divorce an pursue happier lives. Then what about the lives of these 3 kids we have, are we being selfish, or are we torturing them. IDK, IDK, IDK.


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## Big Tree (Jul 25, 2014)

Big Mama said:


> Amen, I am not a B. and yes my H has Aspurgers. I get that he is going to lack understanding. I don;t know if I am going to stay or if I am going to go.
> 
> I know I want off this ride, The marry go round is no fun. I know he is teachable, I know I am teachable. I know no one wants to hear what some call religious crap. But I did make a commitment for life, for better or for worse. What a scum bag I would be because I found out my H had a mental issue, and he would be a scum bag for leaving me for my issues. So what do we do, suffer together, and be miserable, live in the same household and avoid a real connection with each other, or divorce an pursue happier lives. Then what about the lives of these 3 kids we have, are we being selfish, or are we torturing them. IDK, IDK, IDK.



I hear you. You sound like you have a real inner toughness. You sound like someone who is trustworthy and loyal. I admire that!

Is there another opportunity for you to find the emotional connection, camaraderie, and understanding that your relationship lacks? Something safe to your marriage?

I volunteer with a Boy Scout Troop. Totally fills my bucket with connectivity. Then I can return home and be "all in" with my wife.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

_Extraordinarily_ important, to both of us. We have a very breast-centric sex life. My wife's nipples are like to clits, extremely sensitive; the easiest way to bring her to orgasm is through nipple play. I love her breasts, she loves how much I do, and they are of vital importance to our sex life.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, let him play with them.

HOWEVER, you should also communicate what it is that you like done to them (if anything). You should get some enjoyment out of it too!!!


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## Marriedand40 (Aug 19, 2013)

I feel bad for the OP not being able to recover after rape. Must be an awful feeling. Good luck with your recovery, hope you can be healed.

But to answer the question, yes I have turned into a boob freak. I never was as a teen but as I got older and nowadays more than ever, women are walking around with exposed cleavage all the time, not just younger women but women in their 40's and 50's wear cleavage bearing tank tops and dresses. I absolutely adore it.

Nothing is more beautiful to me than seeing a woman with large breasts embracing them. It shows confidence and sexiness. It's the first feature I look at when I see a woman. I don't ogle and make them uncomfortable but I do sneak a peek.

In the bedroom, I love the feeling of them in my hands and my face between them. My wife is a 34D / 36C so I am fortunate. I wish she had DD's due to she has yet to lose the baby weight but overall I am grateful. I just wished she would wear more cleavage tops, that's all.


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

Big Mama I am sorry for the sexual challenges that you experienced; it is so wrong that some mortals cannot act responsibly! 

The direct answer to you question is my wife's boobs are important to me and our relationship. She is not really large -- just a "B" cup but she is what she is and I just love her all the same. Would I prefer smaller/larger boobs? I have no idea as she is the only woman that I have ever been with so ignorance is bliss and I am happy!


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Big Mama said:


> The significance of that was to me more I guess. He used to be verbally abusive to me, and emotionally abusive. Now that he has stopped treating me like that he talks to our children like ****, just like he used to do me. He has learned that you don't talk to adults like that, or at least ones you are married to. But you can talk to children that way.
> 
> It is a constant reminder of how much he says he has changed his evil ways and will be more pleasant. But I see him behave this way towards our children often, and when he is to angry to be mindful of what he says he is that way with me to.
> 
> This affect sex how you may ask. If I am trying to find trust and safety in my husband this is not doing it. This is proving he is n different then he was a year ago. It is just not directed at me any more. I fear it is a matter of time before it comes my way again. So as long as this is going on, I don't feel a since of safety, I have a sense of fear. That fear doesn't build trust, and I don't let him into my heart. If I don;t feel safe with him and there is a lack of connection and love it is hard to allow him trustful access to my body.


I think the boob thing is a red herring for bigger issues in your relationship. You don’t love and trust your husband and he loves your boobs. Trust is the keystone to intimacy, you don’t have that and it emotionally harkens you back to a time when trust was an issue. You’ll not ever get to a true point of intimacy unless/until that trust is established and based on what you’ve written, if it were me, I’m not sure that it ever will.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I personally love them...small or big....I love cupping them with my hands, licking the nipples, I could go on and on. 
I have to agree that I don't think your H is in the wrong, you need help to get over your hang-ups. He's into them and for most women it should bring pleasure as well and would normally be a win-win would it not?


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Marriedand40 said:


> I feel bad for the OP not being able to recover after rape. Must be an awful feeling. Good luck with your recovery, hope you can be healed.
> 
> Nothing is more beautiful to me than seeing a woman with large breasts embracing them. It shows confidence and sexiness. It's the first feature I look at when I see a woman. I don't ogle and make them uncomfortable but I do sneak a peek.
> 
> In the bedroom, I love the feeling of them in my hands and my face between them. My wife is a 34D / 36C so I am fortunate. I wish she had DD's due to she has yet to lose the baby weight but overall I am grateful. I just wished she would wear more cleavage tops, that's all.


Firstly, thank you for your kind words. It is awful. It is terrible to know that what I should want to share with my husband, what I should want to share for my own self I cannot. It brings me mental pain and sends my mind back to a terrible place. As much as I can convince my brain that it is ok, I cannot convince my body that it is ok. (Body memories suck) 

As far as being comfortable with boobs, I have no issue in that department. I wear low cut shirts sometimes, I like wearing a bathing suit top that show what a gift god has given me. My breasts have been useful to give nourishment to 3 sweet babies.
They are a great asset. I used to have little A's and now I am the proud owner of BIG ONES. I am thrilled to have them. I am just not able to share them at this time. One day maybe, but at this time it's just not possible.


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## capncrunch (Aug 18, 2014)

Big Mama;10088714 I used to have little A's and now I am the proud owner of BIG ONES. [/QUOTE said:


> I'm sure others are wondering too... How'd you swing that??


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Big mama..... sorry about about what happened to you. xx


Boobs are very important to my husband, he always has a grope sometime, somewhere throughout the day, I could be washing up, or hoovering.....

I cant think of day when hes not touched them..... So i know how important they are to him.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

capncrunch said:


> I'm sure others are wondering too... How'd you swing that??


I guess it was God. I grew up and matured. I added a few pounds. I am no longer a size 1. I also had 3 kids. Three kids nursing over the course of 6 years and being pregnant in between years nursing, I guess just made for bigger boobs. I wouldn't trade them for anything.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

jaquen said:


> _Extraordinarily_ important, to both of us. We have a very breast-centric sex life. My wife's nipples are like to clits, extremely sensitive; the easiest way to bring her to orgasm is through nipple play. I love her breasts, she loves how much I do, and they are of vital importance to our sex life.


Ditto for my wife and me. She always gets aroused by breast play; it's what starts her engine, and I like doing it for her. She frequently requests that I put hickeys on her breasts; I don't know what this does for her, but she really likes it, so I make it happen. When we 69, I always make sure to fondle her breasts and nipples while licking the spot. It makes the experience much more intense.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Breasts are critical. I can't stand seeing my wife naked because she is as flat chested as a boy.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

For me they are very important. I have been with my wife for 12 years now her breast can never get old to me.

Just my personal taste if a woman has small breasts it is a deal breaker for me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Not important at all. Honestly I'm such an ass and legs man I could care less about breasts. If I had to choose I'd say smaller is better but I'm not bothered either way.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

b (o )( o) bs............what?? Oh sorry, I was distracted. What was the topic?


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## MrsFrench (Sep 9, 2014)

My H is probably slightly more interested in breasts than backsides, but he fancies both, and could care less about legs - he prefers petite women, so no long limbs here. All men are different, but most are drawn to the female figure, breasts being half of that figure. 

The root of the issue seems to be abuse, IC is definitely in order. Have you shared that with him? I think an important question is, if he is satisfied by your breasts, why on earth would you want to deprive him of that, rather than cope with your past and work through it?


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

MrsFrench said:


> My H is probably slightly more interested in breasts than backsides, but he fancies both, and could care less about legs - he prefers petite women, so no long limbs here. All men are different, but most are drawn to the female figure, breasts being half of that figure.
> 
> The root of the issue seems to be abuse, IC is definitely in order. Have you shared that with him? I think an important question is, if he is satisfied by your breasts, why on earth would you want to deprive him of that, rather than cope with your past and work through it?


He is aware of my current dislike. I am in IC for this and many things truthfully. Exposure therapy is not the way to deal with this issues. When it comes to abuse it just isn't as easy as it sounds. If he would leave me alone and give me a chance to grow and heal and work on my issues then he would be allowed to have what he wants so much sooner. He just want listen and the more he asks the more it triggers me.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

On a general note. I used to grab my wife's boobs on a regular basis (a large portion of that was my wanting her to feel desired). Once she mentioned (in a nice tone) that sometimes it annoyed her. I stopped touching her boobs. She eventually noticed and asked why. I told her. She lightly blamed it on my fragile male ego.

I said "well, let's say you got home from work and wanted to tell me about your day and I said that sometimes your desire to talk about your day annoyed me".

She said that she'd stop wanting to talk about her day for fear of annoying me. The light bulb went on in her head and she stopped saying that it annoyed her. She actually started making a point of wanting me to cop a feel. Unfortunately, I still often find myself hesitating to do so.

On the overall "Big Mama" situation. The breast thing is the least of their issues. The only way out of this is to decide that her and her husband are on the same team trying to work through all the problems (including the husband's Aspergers). At the moment it looks like she figures it's all on him to do what she needs until she's "better". That may never happen. Not if they're on opposing sides. The CSA is, of course, terrible.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

are we talking about bewbs? 

Or....are we talking about:

1.Astries Bazookas
2.Bazooms
3.Beacons
4.Beanbags
5.Bebops
6.Betty Boops
7.Big Boppers
8.Bikini Stuffers
9.Billibongs
10.Blinkers
11.Bombers
12.Bombshells
13.Bon Bons
14.Bongos
15.Bonkers
16.Boobers
17.Boobies
18.Boobs
19.Boops
20.Bops
21.Bosom
22.Boulders
23.Bouncers
24.Bra Buddies
25.Bra Stuffers
26.Breasts
27.Bronskis
28.Bubbas
29.Bubbies
30.Buds
31.Bulbs
32.Bulges
33.Bullets
34.Bumpers
35.Bumps
36.Bust
37.Busters
38.Busties
39.Butterballs
40.Buttons
41.Caboodles
42.Cams
43.Cannon Balls
44.Cantaloupes
45.Carumbas
46.Cha-chas
47.Charlies
48.Chihuahuas
49.Chimichongas
50.Chiquitas
51.Coconuts
52.Congas
53.Corkers
54.Cream Pies
55.Cuhuangas
56.Cupcakes
57.Dingers
58.Dinghies
59.Dingos
60.Dirigibles
61.Doorknobs
62.Doozies
63.Double-Whammies
64.Dueling Banjos
65.Dumplings
66.Dunes
67.Ear Muffs
68.Eclairs
69.Eggplants
70.Enchiladas
71.Flapjacks
72.Flappers
73.Flesh Bulbs
74.Fog Lights
75.Fried Eggs
76.Fun Bags
77.Gagas
78.Garbos
79.Gazingas
80.Gazongas
81.Glands
82.Globes
83.Globlets
84.Gob Stoppers
85.Gongas
86.Goombas
87.Grapefruits
88.Grillwork
89.Guavas
90.Gum Drops
91.Hand Warmers
92.Handsets
93.Head Lamps
94.Headers
95.Headlights
96.Headphones
97.Headsets
98.Hefties
99.Heifers
100.Hemispheres
101.Hills
102.Hindenburgs
103.Honeydews
104.Honkers
105.Hood-Ornaments
106.Hoohas
107.Hooters
108.Hot Cakes
109.Hottentots
110.Howitzers
111.Hubcaps
112.Huffies
113.Humdingers
114.Hush Puppies
115.ICBMS
116.Jawbreakers
117.Jemimas
118.Jibs
119.Jobbers
120.Jugs
121.Jukes
122.Jumbos
123.Kabukis
124.Kalamazoos
125.Kazongas
126.Kazoos
127.Knobbers
128.Knockers
129.Kongas
130.Kumquats
131.Lactoids
132.Lip Fodder
133.LLamas
134.Loaves
135.LobLollies
136.Love Mellons
137.Love Muffins
138.LuLus
139.Macaroons
140.Mammaries
141.Mammies
142.Mams
143.Mangos
144.Marangos
145.Maraschinos
146.Marimbas
147.Mau Maus
148.Mausers
149.Meat Loaves
150.Meatballs
151.Melons
152.Milk Cans
153.Milk Fountains
154.Milk Shakes
155.Mmbos
156.Molehills
157.Mommas
158.Mondos
159.Montain Peaks
160.Montezumas
161.Moo Moos
162.Mother Lodes
163.Mounds
164.Muchachas
165.Muffins
166.Mulligans
167.Mushmellons
168.Nancies
169.Nectarines
170.Niblets
171.Nibs
172.Nippers
173.Nippies
174.Nippleoons
175.Nippleos
176.Nips
177.Nodes
178.Nodules
179.Noogies
180.Nose Cones
181.Oboes
182.Oompas
183.Orbs Apples
184.Ottomans Balboas
185.Padding Balloons
186.Pagodas Bangers
187.Pair Bangles
188.Palookas Bassoons
189.Peaches
190.Peaks
191.Pears
192.Pects
193.Peepers
194.Pillows
195.Pips
196.Plums
197.Pointer-Sisters
198.Points
199.Pokers
200.Polygons
201.Pompoms
202.Pontoons
203.Potatoes
204.PT Boats
205.Pumpkins
206.Rangoons
207.Rib Cushions
208.Sandbags
209.Satellites
210.Scones
211.Scoops
212.Set
213.Shakers
214.Shebas
215.Shermans
216.Shimmies
217.Silos
218.Skin Sacks
219.Skooners
220.Smoothies
221.Snuggle Pups
222.Spark Plugs
223.Specials
224.Spheres
225.Spongecakes
226.Spuds
227.Stacks
228.Stuffing Casabas
229.Sugar Plums
230.Sweater Meat
231.Sweater Puffs
232.Sweet Rolls
233.Tahitis
234.Tamales
235.Tartugas
236.Tatas
237.Tattlers
238.Teats
239.Tetons
240.Thangs
241.Thingumajigs
242.Tidbits
243.Titbits
244.Tits
245.Titters Domes
246.Titties Doodads
247.Tom-Toms
248.Tomatoes
249.Torpedoes
250.Tortillas
251.Totos Dugs
252.Twangers
253.Tweakers
254.Tweeters
255.Twin Peaks
256.Twofers
257.Tympanies
258.U-Boats
259.Umlauts
260.Wahwahs
261.Zeppelins
262.Zingers

and my personal favorite, *Bodacious TaTa's*

:smthumbup:


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Nah, if there were 263 different terms for boobs, I think I would believe they were important to men. Since there are only 262, I don't believe it.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well if you add 'Thelma and Louise', motor boats, the girls, and sweater puppets, that makes 266!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

ok I'm a believer. I think that's a song, too. Not sure...hmmm.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I can't believe they missed sweater cows.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

technically, the list is never-ending.

Hogans are good.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My husband says the only relevant question about breasts is "can they hold a pencil?"

If yes, then "how about a roll of quarters?"


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Not my favorite name for them but a buddy called them zorbas.


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