# I need Help here, im outta moves, and haven a hard time letting go



## sadman:( (Oct 1, 2011)

Ok so i have been reading here for the past few days on my phone to help me cope... i finally decided to ask for help. heres my story... 
7yrs togeather and 2 kids , 4ys and 6 months old...

weve had a rough road with life ,,3 miscarrages we bought a house and lots of money problems. we stood by each other the whole time.. no we wernt allways happy but we were togeather..

a few months ago my wife got post pardum and that mixed with her bi-polar,, she got depressed and wanted to off herself, she went to the er and they sent her to a facility for a week... when she came back she said she no longer loved me.. and it was because i was working 20 hr days to help us with our money problems because SHE was stressed out about them so i created a biz and was paying off our bills.. i told her on several occasions that it sucked for me because i felt alone all the time and i was missing my time with her and the kids.. she urged me to keep going.. so i thought we were on the same page.. but i find out now we were not and that she has been misirable for years... but never said anything..
obviously we never communicted properly ... mostly on her end but i wish i woulda know what i know now.

i never wanted her to feel that way and if i woulda knowen i would have done something ... 
so the past few months i have read the love dare and started the 5 love langs.... man how dumb could i be,, i learned sooo much i should have knowen,, but im growing up i guess ,, i love her more now then ever...i learned to love..
When she left to the facility it was the first time i have been with out her in 7 yrs and it impacted me soo much.. i know i never want to spend another day with out her ever!!
so here come the complications..
in the past 2 months she has been meeting guys thru a game she plays on her phone , and sending them pics of her self and various parts when im not around.. when im around shes not affeconate to me but dosent push me away eather.we still have sex but there is not much emotion . i have been loving her with everything i got,, and she continues her acts.. i have mentioned them a few times but she shuts down and i get no answers.. does she not know or care about how much it hurts me? 
i have tryed all the stuff to get her to reconsider this. i also admit i was being selfish with my time and neglecting her,, i told her i love her and asked for her forgivness... the problem is she dosent know how to forgive,, she not a forgiving type.. this resentment for me is keeping her away and weve even seen a theripist but she dident do the homework she sent us home with to get rid of the resentment. or help to get her there. she is definatly sexually manic right now and i dont know what to do... it hurts every time i find out about a new guy or more pics
tomarrow we start a temp seperation where she will go to a friends for a week to see if she has any feelings left for me ,,like if she misses me.. but ive read nothing good about seperation. and i dont feel like i can trust her to not be meeting other guys while shes gone,, im a emotional wreck and quite numb.. emotionally im exhausted .. im a good guy and thought that no matter what we would work thru anything we went thru ,, i thought she would be the girl i spent the rest of my life with,, boy did i not see this commin....

any advice would help.. im a sponge at this point. ive been preparing to let go but im haven a hard time with that and im quite depressed... i allways have the kids and i dont have any friends or family i can rely on ..ie support team.. i dont know how i made it this long to be honest..

please give me ideas , advice... anything i need help.
thanks


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## sadman:( (Oct 1, 2011)

so today is the first day of our separation, we talked a long while last night.. she said she would be taking this seriously.. to see if she feels for me anymore,, when i ask her what happends if she does she say i dunno. i think she has made up her mind because her week is filled with meeting other ppl who have been thru this so im guessing shes not gonna change her mind or feel any differently. yet im still hoping for the best and planning for the worst.. TBH I dont know what im gonna do to get thru this.

I dont know if i can handle watching the kids grow from afar,, but i also know i cant take the kids on by myself. so im wrecked about that. I really dont wanna loose her eather,, i feel like weve never gave our relationship a chance to grow out of the hard times because we were both to stubborn to do anything about it the right way. well ive given in here ,, ive realised alot of things and took all the responsability in the situation. its a shame if she dosent allow our relationship to change course. im very regretful of our past and wish we coulda have fixed things before we ever got to this place. 

wheres should i start,, what should i do,, opinions on any of this.... my time is running out here ,,, she has tons of support and i have no one... please help me here.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

sadman:( said:


> so here come the complications..
> in the past 2 months she has been meeting guys thru a game she plays on her phone , and sending them pics of her self and various parts when im not around.. when im around shes not affeconate to me but dosent push me away eather.we still have sex but there is not much emotion . i have been loving her with everything i got,, and she continues her acts.. i have mentioned them a few times but she shuts down and i get no answers.. does she not know or care about how much it hurts me?
> 
> she is definatly sexually manic right now and i dont know what to do... it hurts every time i find out about a new guy or more pics



She's unfaithful. She's escaping her reality and using sex to move on with other people.

She's using the separation to indulge her sexual impulses.


Stop supporting her financially. Do the 180.

Start separating your finances from hers. Dont have any joint bank accounts, credit cards or loans/debts. Let her deal with her own financial needs. 

Decide what you want done with the house.

Decide what you want for the kids.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

She holds the power right now because you're doing everything and anything to make her happy.
Stop it. It's not attractive.
Start the 180 and hold her accountable for any infidelity she gets into.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadman:( (Oct 1, 2011)

your right about the power,, she holds the cards because this is a decision shes making not me. i do feel powerless here. i brought up all the infidelity last night ,, she actually got mad and called me a stalker?? im a stalker for trying to protect my heart and my family from a parasite? the 180 is what exactly?? im guessing its let go of the emotion and stop caring so much? thats where im haven a problem figuring out how to do.


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## sadman:( (Oct 1, 2011)

aug said:


> She's unfaithful. She's escaping her reality and using sex to move on with other people.
> 
> She's using the separation to indulge her sexual impulses.
> 
> ...


how do i do all this with out stiring the pot too much,, i dont want a fight over the kids and such.. im not afrade of a fight but we are both pretty reasonable ppl here and id hate for her to come back and say ok lets give it a go( even tho that probably not likely) and i have all the bills swiched over to my name and my name off the stuff that is jointed with her.? i have this week to figure out and take action.. do you think she is trust worthy at this point or should i be afrade of her meeting up with other guys. btw none of her behavor is normal, she not a lier ,, untill now ,, and she has never been un-trustworthy untill now.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

How long do you propose to wait for her to get back into the marriage?

If she does come back, will you always wonder what she did during the separation? Will the unknown upset you?

At some point soon you'll have to move on as though she's not coming back.


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## sadman:( (Oct 1, 2011)

aug said:


> How long do you propose to wait for her to get back into the marriage?
> 
> If she does come back, will you always wonder what she did during the separation? Will the unknown upset you?
> 
> At some point soon you'll have to move on as though she's not coming back.


so yeahhhh.. we had talked about the seperation the night befor it and laid out some ground rules,,, no guys no contact with guys no filling the void.. pretty basic..

so this morning i saw her to take my daughter to school, she seemed tired and so i asked her what time she went to bed she said 130am,, my first thought was... wha?!?!?t you never stayed up with me that late in 7 yrs,, then my second thought was maybe shes feeling it... maybe shes actualy is missing me and cant sleep.... the more i thought about it ,, the more it seemed odd.. so i decided to check the phone logs.... youll never guess what i found.... yeah 300 min on the phone to some guy and a bunch of texts with pics to another.. .. i called her right away and told her to get her **** and leave.. what the hell was the point of the seperation if you cant even give it a week..not even 3 days in... pffft she dosent care about our family she dosent care how she hurts me,, all she cares about is herself.. so were done... i wish it was different. now the **** has really hit the fan... 

any comments or ideas on a next move.. btw that detached me real quick!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Step one: cut off her access to money. If the phone is in your name, cut it off, same with credit cards. Do not finance her cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadman:( (Oct 1, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Step one: cut off her access to money. If the phone is in your name, cut it off, same with credit cards. Do not finance her cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


lol already done for the most part ,, step 2?


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## thisthingcalledlife (Oct 6, 2011)

I'm sorry your having to go through this.  But you deservebetter. No one should treat you that way period. If u dont mind me asking..How are things today?


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## sadman:( (Oct 1, 2011)

thisthingcalledlife said:


> I'm sorry your having to go through this.  But you deservebetter. No one should treat you that way period. If u dont mind me asking..How are things today?


Things today are not good at all. Mon,tues. She stayed at her friends house and I tild her to take the kids because I do not want them to see me the way I am. That was really good for me, it gave me a break so I could actually come to heads with things. Yesterday she returned home,i actually had anxioty about the whole yhing. Last night we went to a theripist, she was bery stone hearted on the things she said, basicly saying she disent care in the least about me, and feels absolutly nothing. The theripist is very good at her job and explained alot of things to her and a few to me. She requested that we put things on hold and just do a live in co parenting
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadman:( (Oct 1, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_ I asked her when we got to the car what she thought about the session she said " I wish you wernt there" " I want to talk to her about MY problems" my thought was outch"	so I asked her what she thought about the co parenting, she said "i think its a bad idea, were sending our daughter mixed messages" I about flew outta my chair.. This a professional who has probably delt with hundreds of broken marrages. And she just squashed her.thoughts. So the last thing the therypist says is try to get along. So at 230 this morning my son woke up she got up and fed him I was freezing so I covered myself with the comforter and blanket.... She looks over and say are covered with MY blanket I said your blanket


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## sadman:( (Oct 1, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_ she said yes my blanket we shouldnt be sharing a blanket because were splitting up then she goes on to say we shouldnt be sharing a bed either, and this is my bed maybe you should go sleep on the couch. and as she's talking I could feel my blood boiling and I'm thinking so everything we've required in the last 7 years is yours!?!? in an effort to not fight I said calmly I'm freezing and it's just a blanket you could share your blanket with me if you were freezing I'd share with you. she says I don't wanna share a blanket with you get your own and I said you're really starting a fight with me over a blanket you have no compassion and I can't believe you're picking a fight over a blanket I laid there about another 10 minutes that I was so pissed off I had to get up. I went into in my car for about an hour then whent back inside


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## sadman:( (Oct 1, 2011)

I'm to the point where I'm starting to hate her I feel like shes making this as hard as possible and im a good guy I dont deserve this crap. this whole thing coulda go down alot different if she would just be reasonable. But again let me say something has changed about her amd I dont even know who she is. Shes sooo selfish and never was like that, shes soo hurtful. Im just ready to move on with my life, I know there are alot of women that would love to have a guy like me. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Please take this kindly, because I have been in your shoes myself ... but you are not hating her; you are hating the fact that your wife has dumped you. You are angry, and you have every right to be. So quit obsessing about all the wrongs your wife has committed. I am sure there are many women out there who would find you an attractive and very suitable partner; not at the present time, but in the future when you have left this mess behind you. 

You are hurt and you are angry. How about calling the counselor and making an appointment for yourself? You need to be in an environment where you can really let loose and VENT.

Your wife is telling you, in a number of rather cruel ways, that she is done. What you have said also indicates she is having, at the very least, an EA with the OM. Chances are good if she was out until 1:30 a.m. that it has become a PA.

There is no way out of feeling hurt, betrayed, and angry. But there are ways to process it with your counselor. I'm very sorry that this has happened to you. It sucks, I know.

Time to make an appointment with an attorney to get your ducks in a row.


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## thisthingcalledlife (Oct 6, 2011)

sadman:( said:


> I'm to the point where I'm starting to hate her I feel like shes making this as hard as possible and im a good guy I dont deserve this crap. this whole thing coulda go down alot different if she would just be reasonable. But again let me say something has changed about her amd I dont even know who she is. Shes sooo selfish and never was like that, shes soo hurtful. Im just ready to move on with my life, I know there are alot of women that would love to have a guy like me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are right..there are a lot of women who want and DESERVE a good man. She does not deserve you. She is being incredibly selfish IDK how she sleeps at night with the guilt she should be having... ugh. Keep being strong, I know its hard, but what doesnt kill us will only make us stronger. Its true... hang in there.


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

You seems to be still under the spell of your emotions running amok and unchecked. I was like that for years. And obviously, yer mate could care less about your feelings and wellbeing...

Until you are able to clear your head and think more rationally...you will be a prime target for yet more abuse and, ultimately, going to be prepped to "accept" the dirty end of the stick when it comes time to sort out the divorce settlement. Remember "don't kick a man when he's down"??? Well, GET UP!!!!

I daresay that NOTHING you will experience in life is gonna be worse than "all this". So take some good measure in the fact that...certainly...every aspect is going to tough, draining, and nothing short of a Class A Number One Bummer!

Benny Hill said: "Single men wish they were married. Married men wish they were dead!"

Curly Howard (in "A Census We Will GO") said to a guy that answered the door bell: "Are you happily married...or just married?"

Ha!

Okay...take a deep breath, twiddle your necktie, and see at least a little humour in what "Another fine mess you've gotten us into!"


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## sadman:( (Oct 1, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> but you are not hating her; you are hating the fact that your wife has dumped you.
> 
> So quit obsessing about all the wrongs your wife has committed.
> 
> You need to be in an environment where you can really let loose and VENT.


prodigal... let me start by saying i do appreciate your blunt response.. but take this lightly as its not a personal attack on you but a response to your response..

I am definatly hating her!!! im not hating the fact that my wife has dumped me. because she dident just dump me , she has drug me thru the mud , stepped on me , abused me and then spat on me to finish it off. I could definatly handle a normal break up. this was far from just calling it quits and walking away. it the way she went about it and continues to to make things hard. it dosent have to be like this,, its not like we have a huge fight and punch holes in the walls around here.. we are civil ppl in this house..i can count the number of arguements in 7 years on my toes. so yes definatly hating her. id like to be friends after this is over, but if this behavior continues im not even gonna be able look at her.

this takes me to your second point, and again i say this lightly, quit obsessing about her wrongs?!?!? really,, and how do you suggest i do that,, i left my magic wand at home those days. heres the thing about that, im hurt! and as you said i have a right to be,, that may be how i will keep myself from getting hurt again.. i think its a good thing im doing this... because im no longer her doormat and as long as i know what she did to me to cause me to feel this way, then i can move on from this knowing i was the recipent of such emotional abuse. 
if you feel im wrong please tell me the bennifits of letting go of more of the hurt she has caused me. 

and your last thing id like to address
" You need to be in an environment where you can really let loose and VENT." 
i thought thats what this place was for and that what was going on here?? 

really tho i do appreciate your time to reply, i just dont agree with everything you say, and again please dont take it personal.


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## sadman:( (Oct 1, 2011)

thisthingcalledlife said:


> You are right..there are a lot of women who want and DESERVE a good man. She does not deserve you. She is being incredibly selfish IDK how she sleeps at night with the guilt she should be having... ugh. Keep being strong, I know its hard, but what doesnt kill us will only make us stronger. Its true... hang in there.


thank you i truely needed to hear this


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## sadman:( (Oct 1, 2011)

so heres my update.. ive came to heads with whats going on and have stood my ground.. you wanna be single go ahead, no more support from me,, she dident like that when i said i was leaving for an eave. for the first time in 3 months and she couldent goto the gym to get her work out fix. i told her i need some time for me now.. and i needed her to take the kids when she got home for awhile so i could have some time to sort this out for myself. its kinda nice to take back some of the controll in the situation . she no longer has all of the cards and its really helping me move on with things. all reality she wont be going to the gym when shes a single mom so get used to it. im filling as much of my time with old friends and ppl who love me as much as possible, because i feel like thats what i need right now..in a scence im doing some soul searching because ive become a product of her and lost myself along the way. ill keep you guys posted and look forward to the replys . thx all!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

sadman:( said:


> so heres my update.. ive came to heads with whats going on and have stood my ground.. you wanna be single go ahead, no more support from me,, she dident like that when i said i was leaving for an eave. for the first time in 3 months and she couldent goto the gym to get her work out fix. i told her i need some time for me now.. and i needed her to take the kids when she got home for awhile so i could have some time to sort this out for myself. its kinda nice to take back some of the controll in the situation . she no longer has all of the cards and its really helping me move on with things. all reality she wont be going to the gym when shes a single mom so get used to it. im filling as much of my time with old friends and ppl who love me as much as possible, because i feel like thats what i need right now..in a scence im doing some soul searching because ive become a product of her and lost myself along the way. ill keep you guys posted and look forward to the replys . thx all!



good for you. that's a step forward.


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

"she has drug me thru the mud , stepped on me , abused me and then spat on me to finish it off" 

Yep. She deserves whatever it is that lands on her. Yer right, wasn't the dump enough???

I'm with you, Bud.


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