# Introduction



## LailaDay (Apr 23, 2013)

Hello everybody! I'm new here. This site was recommended to me by one of my old college friends who is in a semi-similar situation. She warned me you guys could be tough but she said that you really helped her. We've been friends since high school and went through college together so even though I was a little hesitant, I took her advice! 

A bit about me: I'm 22 years old (well, almost). I'm in my first year Columbia Law School. It's great, though very stressful. 

My fiancé is a little bit older than me (almost 25). We met when I was a freshman and he was a senior in college and have been together ever since. He's finishing up his MBA at Wharton so we're long distance at the moment, which is fine with both of us. He usually manages to make the trip up to visit me every weekend. 

I just got an apartment (the first time I've had a place of my own!) and I'm very proud of it. I spent almost all my income making it pretty and neat. 

My problem is this. Whenever my fiancé comes to visit me, he never wants to go anywhere or do anything. 

Ok, well no. He wants to do two things: have physical time and sit on the sofa watching sports. I understand he's tired, as am I so I'm not saying we even have to go anywhere. But ALL he wants to do is watch TV. I'm not a big TV person, I get bored easily. When he gets bored with TV, he normally asks me to cook something for him.

He'll eat and then usually take a nap while I clean up. I was raised in a household where my mother did everything so this isn't such a big deal for me. My dad never lifted a finger and my mother never complained because of the large paycheck he brought home. I guess they were old fashioned, into traditional gender roles, etc. 

Then of course he'll want to get physical that night. And I hate to say it because I love him but lately, I just really don't want to. But I feel as if I can't say no because he's usually only with me for a day or two. 

But I feel like I'm missing the emotional intimacy necessary to want physical intimacy. Watching TV all day, not really talking, not really spending any time together doing fun things...and then all of a sudden I'm supposed to jump into bed. 

I find him very attractive and he tells me all the time that I'm totally irresistible (I'm in the best shape I'll probably ever be in for my job so this I can sort of understand). But I just don't want to be sexual. I don't see him all week and all I really want to do is cuddle and talk. 


There is also the pressure of him being away from me. I know girls come on to him, I'm no fool and how many times have I heard "if he doesn't get it from you...?"

So I guess my question is, if there really is one, is there a way to make things better before they get worse?

Thanks for reading and it's nice to meet you all!


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## jaded0731 (Mar 23, 2013)

Have you heard of the 5 love languages? I suggest you google it and have you and your BF take the assessment. It sounds like you are a mirror image of me and my husband. My love language is Quality Time and his is physical touch. I am the same as you - I can't watch 5 hours of TV and then expect to be turned on - I need him to spend time with me to build intimacy. This will only magnify in a marriage relationship. You need to both learn to speak the other's love language to them.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Sounds like he's already too comfortable in the relationship. He thinks that he can be lazy and let you do all the work. And since you are the type that allows him to be lazy, he has been getting away with it. 

You have trained him to think he doesn't have to do anything other than do what he wants to do. Which is to watch sports and get his freak on. 

If you want this to end, you have to start expressing you want to spend more time with him outside of the house, go on dates, etc.

Just a heads up...you two aren't even married yet. Imagine what he'll be like when he has you on lock down... What do you think will happen then? What do you think will happen when you have a baby or two? 

If at all possible. Nip this in the butt now.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Buy him a copy of the Married Man Sex Life Primer.
Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


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## LailaDay (Apr 23, 2013)

LanieB said:


> If you don't do something about this now, you're looking at just a tiny preview of your married life. And believe me, it'll only get worse. You live in NYC, so there are MILLIONS of things to do and places to go. Make a plan for each weekend. Buy tickets to an event so that he'll feel more like he "has" to go with you. At least plan one activity per weekend. It doesn't even have to be anything big or expensive. Go window shopping for an hour, go for a walk, ride bikes, get an ice cream - - it's NYC, so the list is endless!
> 
> Have you discussed your feelings with him? If not, you've got to let him know you're not happy with this situation, and you're not willing to stay cooped up in your apartment all weekend cooking his meals and cleaning up. I'm telling you from experience, if you do all these things now (cooking, cleaning, etc, etc), you'll do all of it forever. And you'll end up resenting the hell out of him.


Thanks for responding! And you know, you're probably right. The thing is this is kind of how I was raised. My mother cooked, cleaned and raised us and my dad went to work and sat on the sofa. 

But he made over six figures so nobody in the house ever wanted for anything. But the thing is, I have a job and a I'm a student full time. So I can't just be a full time maid/mom down the line.

How would you suggest I stand up to him about this? Is the cleaning thing going to be a big issue?


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## LailaDay (Apr 23, 2013)

jaded0731 said:


> Have you heard of the 5 love languages? I suggest you google it and have you and your BF take the assessment. It sounds like you are a mirror image of me and my husband. My love language is Quality Time and his is physical touch. I am the same as you - I can't watch 5 hours of TV and then expect to be turned on - I need him to spend time with me to build intimacy. This will only magnify in a marriage relationship. You need to both learn to speak the other's love language to them.


You're totally right. But the thing is, I guess I'm feeling a little insecure because of the distance. I'm worried he'll cheat on me. So I'm reluctant to do anything to displease him.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

LailaDay said:


> You're totally right. But the thing is, I guess I'm feeling a little insecure because of the distance. I'm worried he'll cheat on me. So I'm reluctant to do anything to displease him.


If you marry, I guarantee you that, at some point in your lives together, you'll displease him. You can't walk on eggshells. If he breaks up with you or cheats on you over something as simple as finding something for the two of you to do together, what will happen when you face any of the true challenge that a marriage will encounter? In that respect, better to find out now (and potentially be rid of him) than later when there's more at stake from a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

You sound just like I used to be. My mom is the same way with my dad because she was a stay at home mom, and I turned out to be the "Super Wife" with my H. I did everything to try and please him, to make it so that he wouldn't seek out other women. Exactly like you're doing.

In regards the cooking/cleaning. My opinion is that times are different now. Two incomes is almost necessary now. For a woman who works a job, goes to school, has children (I'm assuming you will have children together someday) it is not fair to have to do all of the housework in combination with those things. Unless you want to go insane, then do it all yourself. But if you want time to yourself here and there, he needs to get off his butt and help with the mess he makes too. Believe me, once you have kids, you will know what I mean.

In regards to being afraid of him cheating, you cannot worry about someone cheating, because they will do it anyway, whether you give them sex or not. And you shouldn't be giving him sex out of fear. You should want to do it out of love and want.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

You want to marry a guy you're worried will cheat on you? Really??

You sound like a great gal and you deserve better. Tell him you want to have a talk about the relationship. Tell him what you want in the relationship. If he doesn't want to talk about things then you pretty much have your answer. This is the stage of the relationship where he is supposed to be courting you. Showing you the very best him he can be. I hate to say it but it kind of sounds like he doesn't respect or value you. He's not treating you like the love of his life, he's treating you like something to "do" on the weekends.

I don't mean to be hurtful, just telling you what this outsider has read from you wrote.


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## LailaDay (Apr 23, 2013)

sandc said:


> You want to marry a guy you're worried will cheat on you? Really??
> 
> You sound like a great gal and you deserve better. Tell him you want to have a talk about the relationship. Tell him what you want in the relationship. If he doesn't want to talk about things then you pretty much have your answer. This is the stage of the relationship where he is supposed to be courting you. Showing you the very best him he can be. I hate to say it but it kind of sounds like he doesn't respect or value you. He's not treating you like the love of his life, he's treating you like something to "do" on the weekends.
> 
> I don't mean to be hurtful, just telling you what this outsider has read from you wrote.


I appreciate this advice! I should clarify that my fear of him cheating is a gift from my mother. 

She basically sat me down one day and told me "If you want to keep a man, give him food and give him sex."

I know that sounds simplistic but I've been reading around on these forums and a lot of men complain about only getting it every couple of weeks. They resent their wives. Maybe even don't love them as much anymore. 

I'm afraid that will happen to me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Laila...I know you likely won't want to hear my opinion, but I think you are way too young to even be considering marriage.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

LailaDay said:


> I appreciate this advice! I should clarify that my fear of him cheating is a gift from my mother.
> 
> She basically sat me down one day and told me "If you want to keep a man, give him food and give him sex."
> 
> ...


Okay, I understand. But look, he really isn't treating you well. He's acting like you guys have been married for 10 years already. 

In a marriage we shouldn't do things for one another out of fear. You shouldn't have sex with him because you're afraid of losing him. You should have sex with him because you love him and want to give every part of yourself to him. He should love you enough to want to take you out and have fun with you because you're the most amazing and wonderful person in his world. Relationships have their ebb and flow but your relatively new relationship with this man should be in the flow, not the ebb.

Have a serious talk. Don't be afraid or you'll be afraid of everything your whole life. I mean, are you disfigured or deformed that you're afraid that if you lose this man you'll NEVER meet a good man ever? Come on now.


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## LailaDay (Apr 23, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Laila...I know you likely won't want to hear my opinion, but I think you are way too young to even be considering marriage.


Oh, I fully agree! He's older than I am so he's the one who wants to get married when he graduates. I'd like to be down with school and have a secure job.

I want to live a little before I devote my life to children (of which I want 4).


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## LailaDay (Apr 23, 2013)

LanieB said:


> I wasn't raised this way (with a SAHM), but I have a hard time standing up for myself. This has caused a lot of (probably unnecessary) suffering in my life. During the first 6 years of my marriage, I worked full-time, had 2 babies in diapers, and got NO HELP WHATSOEVER with ANYTHING from my husband. This is an extreme case, but just be aware that it does happen.
> 
> At this point, I'm assuming you and your fiance' do at least still talk?? During some of these talks, you need to talk about your future together. At some point, you need to say, "Hey, you do realize I have no intentions of working full-time and doing ALL the cooking/housework, etc, etc, right? How do you see this working? Will we be splitting housework and cooking? Hiring a housekeeper????" You definitely want to bring this up before marriage. What would be great would be some pre-marital counseling, if possible.
> 
> Also, like other posters have mentioned, it's not good that you're worried that something you do or don't do is going to cause your fiance' to cheat. I mean, you want to give the relationship 100%, but it sounds like what's happening is you are basically waiting on him hand-and-foot all weekend and having sex with him whether you're in the mood or not - but he isn't doing anything to meet YOUR needs. When a woman's needs are being met, it does wonders to get her in the mood for sex. (At least that's how it is for me!) It's too bad some men just don't get this. When this isn't the case, sex becomes just another chore for a woman.


I really appreciate this advice! Thank you so much! 

Well, he grew up with a full time live in housekeeper. So to be fair, he's not used to cleaning or doing anything. He's also an only child.

I grew up with a little brother who I was like a second mom too so I've been cleaning, cooking etc all my life really.

Even though we also had a housekeeper, I'm the type of person who likes to do things myself.

He's not really that messy but the little things...leaving an empty plate right next to the sink instead of just rinsing it off and putting it in the drain...

Maybe I should just talk to him about it. I really don't think he notices.


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## LailaDay (Apr 23, 2013)

sandc said:


> Okay, I understand. But look, he really isn't treating you well. He's acting like you guys have been married for 10 years already.
> 
> In a marriage we shouldn't do things for one another out of fear. You shouldn't have sex with him because you're afraid of losing him. You should have sex with him because you love him and want to give every part of yourself to him. He should love you enough to want to take you out and have fun with you because you're the most amazing and wonderful person in his world. Relationships have their ebb and flow but your relatively new relationship with this man should be in the flow, not the ebb.
> 
> Have a serious talk. Don't be afraid or you'll be afraid of everything your whole life. I mean, are you disfigured or deformed that you're afraid that if you lose this man you'll NEVER meet a good man ever? Come on now.


Haha no! I know that there are quite a lot of men who'd want to be with me. My occupation puts men throwing themselves at me in my path on an almost daily basis. But that's probably more because of "trophy" reasons than anything real.

My fiancé is my first sexual or romantic partner. I was abused as a child and I didn't "open up" until I was at least seventeen or eighteen.

He actually did treat me very well when we lived in the same area. I think he's just getting lazy. I should correct this behavior!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Yeah, see if you can help him understand you want to be more than a maid who provides sexual services.

Here's how it works at my house with my wife who is a SAHM. If my wife cooks, I'll do dishes for her. She'll do the laundry, I'll help her fold and use that time to talk with her about whatever. (Usually she is the one talking, I just smile and nod.) I take her out to dinner as often as finances allow. I mow the lawn, she helps with gardening. I make sure her car has gas in it. She gives me BJ's, I give her foot rubs. I take her dancing, she gives me amazing sex! 

You see the give and take going on there? Marriage is a union of two people; it isn't one person indenturing themselves to another for life. Try not to think about what could be, think about what is. If what is cannot be changed, what could be won't ever happen!

Good luck!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

LailaDay said:


> You're totally right. But the thing is, I guess I'm feeling a little insecure because of the distance. I'm worried he'll cheat on me. So I'm reluctant to do anything to displease him.


Look, this is the time to figure out whether you can be married to him over the long-term. The only thing worse than breaking up with your long-distance fiance is marrying him, having a couple of kids, getting a mortgage, and then, 10 years down the line, divorcing him. I can tell you that the former scenario is infinitely better than the latter.

If you don't mind cooking and cleaning, that's fine. Hell, that's great. Do it now and do it after your wedding. But if you resent cooking and cleaning now, you sure as hell shouldn't be doing it now and planning on surprising him after the wedding that you're really different from the way you've been acting all this time.

Be yourself. If you are a social butterfly and your fiance is a homebody, you will have tension forever. It might be enough to end your relationship. It might not. But you had better figure that out before you get married.

As for how to communicate that to him, I'll give you the same advice I give my kids. Use your words.


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## LailaDay (Apr 23, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> Look, this is the time to figure out whether you can be married to him over the long-term. The only thing worse than breaking up with your long-distance fiance is marrying him, having a couple of kids, getting a mortgage, and then, 10 years down the line, divorcing him. I can tell you that the former scenario is infinitely better than the latter.
> 
> If you don't mind cooking and cleaning, that's fine. Hell, that's great. Do it now and do it after your wedding. But if you resent cooking and cleaning now, you sure as hell shouldn't be doing it now and planning on surprising him after the wedding that you're really different from the way you've been acting all this time.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this wise advice sir. 

I don't resent him now! But in ten or twenty years I might resent him napping while I do all the work, sure.

He's never acted like this before. When we lived close to each other, he took me out all the time.

Now he says he's tired from getting his MBA and just wants to relax with me on the weekend. 

Should I take his behavior now as the exception rather than the rule?


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

There is always a reason to not go out if a guy looks hard enough.


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## nothingtodeclare (Apr 13, 2013)

*Re: Re: Introduction*



LailaDay said:


> Now he says he's tired from getting his MBA and just wants to relax with me on the weekend.
> 
> Should I take his behavior now as the exception rather than the rule?


No. After the degree comes real work with real hours. If it bothers you now, deal with it before even considering marriage. Kids compound things even more.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

LailaDay said:


> I appreciate this advice! I should clarify that my fear of him cheating is a gift from my mother.
> 
> She basically sat me down one day and told me "If you want to keep a man, give him food and give him sex."
> 
> ...


Listen up here, chick...you are in LAW SCHOOL! You are MAJOR! :smthumbup: You are a prize! Stop thinking this old school crap that your mother grew up with! If this dude cheats on you, then he wasnt worth it to begin with and that would be HIS loss, not yours! I can understand that he wants to lay low on weekends, but he is in a relationship, not living with his mommy, so he needs to make an effort to do something. Him napping while you clean up is crap. I guarantee that if you break out of this housewife role with him and start exuding some real confidence, he will sit up and take notice, and he will be the one afraid that YOU will step out! 

Dont be in such a rush to settle into the whole marriage and kids thing, you are getting an opportunity in life that not a lot of folks get. So get your bad b!tch lawyer freak on, and make him worship you!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Oh my. Your other post and now this one?

Why oh why are you even THINKING about marrying this man?

He doesn't clean, he's a couch potato and he's spoiled.

AND you think you have to put up with it so he doesn't cheat???

I don't see this ending well for you.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

LailaDay said:


> Thank you for this wise advice sir.
> 
> I don't resent him now! But in ten or twenty years I might resent him napping while I do all the work, sure.
> 
> ...


It's hard to say what is normal for him. Yes, he used to take you out. But that was when he was an undergrad. I used to party too when I was an undergrad. Everybody does. Even homebodies party as undergrads.

As nothingtodeclare said, school is much easier than working. And working before you have kids is much easier than coming home to deal with kids. So it's basically all downhill from here, as far as your fiance having energy to socialize. If he can't muster up enough to satisfy you now, then I wonder if he'll ever be able to do much more.

What I will suggest is to make sure you're both on the same page before you marry. This is the time in your relationship that everything (or almost everything) should be very easy. After marriage, mortgage, kids, jobs, etc. is when things get tough. If you're having problems now, adding stress to the equation won't help anything.

Good luck.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

And YES it is downhill from here.

This is the best it gets.

If you don't have it now you'll never get it.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> Listen up here, chick...you are in LAW SCHOOL! You are MAJOR! :smthumbup: You are a prize! Stop thinking this old school crap that your mother grew up with!


I will take exception to this. Just because domestic gender roles are well established and traditional doesn't make them crap. The OP's mother probably isn't divorced, like most of the new school, liberated women who are full of moxie and don't do dishes.

As for being a law student, as a man, I'm kind of neutral on that. She will have a pretty good earning potential. But, most men don't really evaluate women based on earning potential. Many men will go so far as to view female law students negatively because of stereotypical traits that many of them have.

I'm not saying this to put down the OP, or to make her think that she should sell herself short in order to marry her fiance. However, her mother is onto something. For men, sex is the currency of love. In a relationship, you neglect sex at your own peril. Even if you're a law student.



> I guarantee that if you break out of this housewife role with him and start exuding some real confidence, he will sit up and take notice, and he will be the one afraid that YOU will step out!


I think you're onto something here. The next time he comes to visit, the OP should either have plans for them so that he is coerced into going out with her, or she should just leave him at her apartment while she goes out without him. And don't tell him where she's going. Just go "out." That will probably get his attention. Most men don't want their girlfriends going out without them.



> Dont be in such a rush to settle into the whole marriage and kids thing, you are getting an opportunity in life that not a lot of folks get. So get your bad b!tch lawyer freak on, and make him worship you!


Speaking as an average man, I can say that a cute, smart, loyal, domesticated girl transforming into a bad b!tch lawyer insisting that her boyfriend worship her is a pretty bad strategy. Unless she wants to stay single.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Domesticated?? She isnt a pet. And I didnt interpret her mother's advice as appointed gender roles, it reads to me as subservient..you must please your man at all costs to yourself, otherwise he cheats!

PHT we had the same thought here:

'The next time he comes to visit, the OP should either have plans for them so that he is coerced into going out with her, or she should just leave him at her apartment while she goes out without him. And don't tell him where she's going. Just go "out." That will probably get his attention. Most men don't want their girlfriends going out without them."


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> Domesticated?? She isnt a pet. And I didnt interpret her mother's advice as appointed gender roles, it reads to me as subservient..you must please your man at all costs to yourself, otherwise he cheats!


I meant domesticated as in a woman well suited to domestic life. Meaning she cooks, cleans, etc.

And you're reading too much into her mother's advice. She didn't say that the OP must be subservient to her fiance at all costs. She told her that she should have sex with him if she wants to keep him. And she's right. It's just the way of the world.


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## LailaDay (Apr 23, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> I meant domesticated as in a woman well suited to domestic life. Meaning she cooks, cleans, etc.
> 
> And you're reading too much into her mother's advice. She didn't say that the OP must be subservient to her fiance at all costs. She told her that she should have sex with him if she wants to keep him. And she's right. It's just the way of the world.


I cheer for the New York Jets. I pretty much sell diluted sexuality with some charity sprinkled on top for a living.

I will admit, I find the whole "have sex to keep a man bit" fairly irritating and degrading.

I'd like to think that the past five years have meant more to him than some nookie.

My dad had multiple affairs, shamelessly. And my mother never said a single world about it as far as I know. 

"As long as he comes home to me" kind of crap. 

My attitude about sex is: do it or else. 

Not totally healthy some might say but after reading around this forum for a bit, can you blame me? 

"Sex once a month...thinking about cheating or leaving..." doesn't exactly fill me with optimism about my choices. 

It does indeed feel like that to men, marriage boils down to how often there is nudity.


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## LailaDay (Apr 23, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Domesticated?? She isnt a pet. And I didnt interpret her mother's advice as appointed gender roles, it reads to me as subservient..you must please your man at all costs to yourself, otherwise he cheats!
> 
> PHT we had the same thought here:
> 
> 'The next time he comes to visit, the OP should either have plans for them so that he is coerced into going out with her, or she should just leave him at her apartment while she goes out without him. And don't tell him where she's going. Just go "out." That will probably get his attention. Most men don't want their girlfriends going out without them."


I appreciate this advice. I love my fiancé so, what I'll do is say "I booked reservations for a nice dinner."

I don't think I'll get pushback, I just think he's lazy.

Never too tired to ask for some sex, though.


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## LailaDay (Apr 23, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Oh my. Your other post and now this one?
> 
> Why oh why are you even THINKING about marrying this man?
> 
> ...


You are correct. But I love him oodles and I lost my V card to him...and the goal was one man for life...so I'm all in here.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

LailaDay said:


> I cheer for the New York Jets. I pretty much sell diluted sexuality with some charity sprinkled on top for a living.


That's great. Almost every man wants a wife or girlfriend who is beautiful and in great shape.



> I will admit, I find the whole "have sex to keep a man bit" fairly irritating and degrading.


Well, you need to get over it. You can find gravity irritating and degrading. That doesn't mean it's going to change for you.

Men express and experience love through sex. That's just how we are. If you don't want to cater to your boyfriend's need for sex, you're saying you don't want him to feel loved. And men who don't feel loved won't be happy.



> I'd like to think that the past five years have meant more to him than some nookie.


I'm sure they have. But they won't change his core needs. You're looking at marrying this guy. And marriage is a sexual relationship. If you want friendship without any sexual obligations, you can always have one of your girlfriends move in with you.



> My attitude about sex is: do it or else.
> 
> Not totally healthy some might say but after reading around this forum for a bit, can you blame me?
> 
> ...


Don't get too pessimistic about it. You're young, so you may not have figured out that men and women are different. And we have different needs. And I'm not being flippant or dismissive here.

It took me years to realize that my wife wasn't a man. Meaning I was treating her like one. I was doing things for her that I would like. But she didn't like it. Because she's a woman.

Once I started treating her like a woman, and catering to a woman's needs, she loved it. She was in seventh heaven.

I see people on this board every day with the same problem. They act like their spouse has exactly the same needs they have.

Imagine the shoe was on the other foot. Imagine your boyfriend was posting here saying, "My girlfriend isn't very happy right now. But I'm sexing her up every time I see her!" Well, you don't care that much about sex. He does. You want excitement and cuddling and talking and social activity. But he doesn't care about that.

In a good relationship, each partner caters to the needs of the other. So, you should expect your boyfriend to cuddle with you and take you out and talk to you. And your boyfriend should expect some nookie from you. That is a win/win.

Good luck.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Hi LittleBird.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Lyris said:


> Hi LittleBird.


You got it, Lyris. Same style of writing.

Probably because it's very convenient to have someone cook, clean, do laundry and half his homework on the days when he was too busy with his X Box.


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