# Sexually Incompatible..what to do?



## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

So my husband had a porn addiction for years so his level of fantasy is beyond words. Since I have known him he likes to have very perverted sex. Calling me names, treating me like the girls in the porn, making me explain in detail my sexual experiences with other men, and making me dress in heels and well you know. There is never foreplay or loving caressing. I just feel like I am some low life when we have sex. Before or after sex he is the most loving man, sweet man, etc. But something about the act of sex makes him switch to this other person. I tell him it's like his eyes go dark and he even looks at me like I am not his wife. No love, no warmth. I've gone along with all this "fantasy" but I always feel so hurt. He says it is just fantasy and he doesn't mean any of it. It is just his way of "getting off". It's a turn on to him. But I told him I know he is "just playing" but sex is the most intimate part of a couple's lives and I can't separate the experience. I want to feel loved. never feel like it's just me and him in our chemistry because he talks the whole time about me with other men. So I find myself just spreading my legs and laying back like a prostitute. If I don't play along, he gets frustrated and sometimes just stops the whole act.

I don't know what to do any more. What do you do when you are sexually incompatible? I like more love-making and "friendly" sex. I want to feel special. That doesn't "get him off". HELP!!!!


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I have my version of sex. My W has her version of sex. My W one day advised me how her version of sex went and she would like that to happen from time to time. I do so. 

Have you advised what your version of sex is and that you are not asking but requiring that your H accommodates your version from time to time? 

Also, get your H off the porn. It appears(conjecture) your H will be getting more demanding in what he wants in bed. Maybe something you are really not going to do.


----------



## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

He has a porn addiction (yourbrainonporn.com)
There is nothing overtly unhealthy with porn consumption but your husband has *clearly* gone too far down the rabbit hole. 

HE needs motivation and disciple to break his addition and there is not much you can do to create those in someone else. Your only path to salvation is figuring out how to get him to realize porn is a problem and quit it for at least 90 days.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

did you know of his fetish before you married?

if you did, then to a large degree, you got what you paid for.

if you didn't then, he turned into a sex monster.

i know others will disagree, and i know that some men/women like rough porn sex, but to me 'love-making' is what marital
sex should be, not porn sex, which for a large part manifests pure animalism, aggression and assault. 

the only way out to me is for him to get sex therapy/counseling.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> I have my version of sex. My W has her version of sex. My W one day advised me how her version of sex went and she would like that to happen from time to time. I do so.
> 
> Have you advised what your version of sex is and that you are not asking but requiring that your H accommodates your version from time to time?
> 
> Also, get your H off the porn. It appears(conjecture) your H will be getting more demanding in what he wants in bed. Maybe something you are really not going to do.


You are a lucky guy. My W's version of sex changes all the time. There are things that are constant, absolute "aint going to happen's," but sometimes she wants to feed off my passion and be swept off her feet and other times she will say get your hands off me. 

I am not sure the women I have known have a predictable "version of sex."


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MZMEE said:


> So my husband had a porn addiction for years *so his level of fantasy is beyond words. Since I have known him he likes to have very perverted sex.* Calling me names, treating me like the girls in the porn, making me explain in detail my sexual experiences with other men, and making me dress in heels and well you know. T*here is never foreplay or loving caressing.* I just feel like I am some low life when we have sex. Before or after sex *he is the most loving man, sweet man, etc.* But something about the act of sex makes him switch to this other person. I tell him it's like his eyes go dark and he even looks at me like I am not his wife. No love, no warmth. *I've gone along with all this "fantasy" but I always feel so hurt. * He says it is just fantasy and he doesn't mean any of it. It is just his way of "getting off". It's a turn on to him. But I told him I know he is "just playing" but sex is the most intimate part of a couple's lives and I can't separate the experience. *I want to feel loved. * never feel like it's just me and him in our chemistry because he talks the whole time about me with other men. So I find myself just spreading my legs and laying back like a prostitute. If I don't play along, he gets frustrated and sometimes just stops the whole act.
> 
> I don't know what to do any more. What do you do when you are sexually incompatible? I like more love-making and "friendly" sex. *I want to feel special.* That doesn't "get him off". HELP!!!!


May I suggest you and your H get some marriage counseling with a sex therapist. They are marriage counselors with extra training in sexual problems people have. The typical way they help folks is to have the two of you abstain from sex for a while and introduce non-sexual, but sensual touching into your relationship. Then they will probably have you and your H (in the privacy of your own home) perform sensate focus or sensual massage exercises. The point is to stop bad habits and introduce new habits or approaches to intimacy.

You sound like you have talked to your H, but have you communicated with him? His knowledge of sex may be actually pretty limited to the porn he has watched and not influenced much by needing to be in a relationship with a long term human being. If so he has a lot to learn and you (unless you get marriage counseling) may be the one that needs to teach him.

You married him, you have gone along with the behavior you don't like. That is enabling. You need to speak up and talk to him and discuss things that you both want to do. 

The thing that really struck me in your post was the ".......making me dress in heels and well you know......."
You say you love him. As long as the dressing up occurs in the privacy of your own home, I don't see the harm in humoring him. Parading you around in public in clothes you don't like is a totally different matter. 

Is there some way you can "negotiate" with him. Say you will wear heels and stuff once a week or once a month if he will do a slow sensual massage with lots of kissing once a week? 

Maybe you can negotiate that you will role play his porn star lover once a month, if he will role play prince charming courting his lady a couple times a month.

If he really is the sweet caring man you say he is, negotiate when he isn't in sex-fiend mode. Again if he is sweet and caring he should want you to have pleasure and want you to be bonded to him. If he really is perverted beyond words, tell him that after sex with him that you need some after-care. He should know what that means. 

One of the things that the sex therapist that helped save my marriage did, was to convince my wife and me that good sex should be playful and fun for both of us. We need to not take it too seriously. It should be like an adult version of grade school recess with a close friend. Something we look forward to doing, even if we get dirty and fall in a mud puddle. We should be able to laugh when things don't work out as we had imagined that they would.

Good luck.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This why porn is so harmful. It gives rise to all sorts of low ball ideas. 
I am not talking about trying different positions in bed.

If you are raised on baloney, you can never appreciate sirloin-tips or surf-and-turf.

There used to be a wide gulf between copulating and lovemaking.

The gap is getting smaller, it seems...



KB-


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

MZMEE said:


> So my husband had a porn addiction for years so his level of fantasy is beyond words. Since I have known him he likes to have very perverted sex. Calling me names, treating me like the girls in the porn, making me explain in detail my sexual experiences with other men, and making me dress in heels and well you know. There is never foreplay or loving caressing. I just feel like I am some low life when we have sex. Before or after sex he is the most loving man, sweet man, etc. But something about the act of sex makes him switch to this other person. I tell him it's like his eyes go dark and he even looks at me like I am not his wife. No love, no warmth. I've gone along with all this "fantasy" but I always feel so hurt. He says it is just fantasy and he doesn't mean any of it. It is just his way of "getting off". It's a turn on to him. But I told him I know he is "just playing" but sex is the most intimate part of a couple's lives and I can't separate the experience. I want to feel loved. never feel like it's just me and him in our chemistry because he talks the whole time about me with other men. So I find myself just spreading my legs and laying back like a prostitute. If I don't play along, he gets frustrated and sometimes just stops the whole act.
> 
> I don't know what to do any more. What do you do when you are sexually incompatible? I like more love-making and "friendly" sex. I want to feel special. That doesn't "get him off". HELP!!!!


If you don't have kids, divorce. If you do, tell him to stop watching porn and listen to your needs. 

If he does not, stop the sex. 

Here is the deal, when I am with a woman, it is about her needs. My needs get met by meeting hers. 

Some women want it rough, OK I can do that. Some like BDSM, OK I can do that. 

Some like it soft, loving, gentle, well until they don't, which is all fine. 

My GF likes a combination of all of it at different times. And I am there to do what needs to be done, Including middle of the night sex which for some strange reason she just loves. 

So on top of the rest, if I wake up in the middle of the night for whatever reason, I take care of that little fetish as well. 

Basically I am here to make her happy, in return she make me VERY happy in every way. 

You husband is basically a moron...


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

MZMEE said:


> HELP!!!!


I'm guessing that you would be comfortable with his fantasies and wearing high heals for him IF there were also many times in which he made love with you in a gentle and loving way. If that's correct, then let him know that you would be a more "wild" lover on those wild nights if he in turn, learned to express his love for you with sex or at least immediately after sex. As for me as a male, I feel more tender and "in love" right after sex. My wife also thinks of sex as more of a fun thing to do together and rarely feels emotional about sex.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The only way this is going to change for you is if you set some boundaries. You cannot make him change. You cannot make him do anything. The problem seems to be that you don't want him to be upset with you and you are afraid of what might happen if you stop allowing him to treat you this way. 

He may be a terrific man most of the time, but he is mistreating you intimately and you are allowing it. His behavior isn't your fault, but you allowing him to do this to you and you participating it in so "he can get off" is not okay. He is doing this at your expense, not for you and with you, but to you. That is dysfunctional and unhealthy for you.

He really needs to stop the porn, but that's going to require he get some serious help. Perhaps you could do some reading about porn/sexual addiction. As mentioned earlier yourbrainonporn.com has a lot of information that could be helpful to you in understanding what he is up against.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is he willing to have sex the way you like at least half the time. (that may not be enough, but it at lest helps understand the situation)


----------



## johnnywalker (Apr 17, 2018)

Sounds awful..


----------



## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

The problem seems to be the porn. I call it mental adultery. He is bringing those women he watches into the bedroom and getting you to act the same to fit in with his fantasies. This is often addictive and I would say he has got to that stage. If he doesn't see that it will be difficult so you have to try and show him that pornography is mental adultery to a married man.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Sounds like his brain has been seriously rewired.

You want to feel loved. The thing is, you _deserve _to feel loved. What gets me off most is my wife feeling special as a result of the attention I give her. He is no longer capable of thinking in those terms (if he ever was). It's very sad. 

Breaking through this will be exceedingly difficult, if it's even possible at all. I'm not sure how you can get through to him, but he needs to be made to understand that you are a woman who needs tender loving care, and that if he loves you at all, that's exactly what he needs to provide, and what he needs to find satisfaction and fulfillment in. Until then, you have no common ground and the sex of any type will stop altogether. Period. Maybe even the marriage itself. 

You say he is a great guy in other ways. maybe you can get that great guy to displace the monster in the bedroom, but you will likely need professional help. This is a tough case.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Tony Conrad said:


> I call it mental adultery.


The Lord Jesus Christ did, too. ref: Matthew 5:28



Tony Conrad said:


> you have to try and show him that pornography is mental adultery to a married man.


There are countless men (and women) who believe as long as there's no physical contact, there's no adultery. The laws of our society bear this out, in many places, porn use does not legally constitute adultery.

However, I, for one, think it should. It's also very relevant to ponder the fact that God, on Mount Sinai, placed adultery in the same list with murder, theft, and perjury. This is not a coincidence, and it's not a "suggestion". His commandments are intended to provide the best possible life FOR US.

In many ways, we model and adapt God's list into our laws to deal with specific sin-motivated actions. However, we seem to ignore this one..... we spend hours, and days, and years, giving judicial thought to 3 of His commandments, and somehow expect that we can push the fourth one onto the back burner.....

This does not fully obey "The Great Commission". Our laws are a "teacher" and a "guide" for those who seek life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Without adaptation and jurisprudence upon that fourth commandment, we lose the educational value of it.

Pornography has the same effects upon the marriage as does adultery. 

Hopefully, this will give you some "ammunition" to persuade your husband that his actions are decidedly in sin, and have serious negative impact upon his marriage.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Whatever the cause, sexual incompatibility can be a huge issue. In the end it comes down to the question of whether there is a sex life that is good for both or not. 

Sex doesn't always need to be for both - its OK if sometimes you do things that are just to please your partner as long as overall your sex life is happy and balanced. 

If there is no happy middle ground, then whatever the root cause, the relationship can't be happy.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Whatever the cause, sexual incompatibility can be a huge issue. In the end it comes down to the question of whether there is a sex life that is good for both or not.
> 
> Sex doesn't always need to be for both - its OK if sometimes you do things that are just to please your partner as long as overall your sex life is happy and balanced.
> 
> If there is no happy middle ground, then whatever the root cause, the relationship can't be happy.


I tend describe this a little differently. To me, either it's good for both or it's good for neither; that is if the two are truly concerned with each other. 

I draw tremendous contentment and satisfaction in pleasing my wife. So even those times where I'm strictly in a giving position while she's receiving, I consider that to be good for me as well. Conversely, if I'm receiving and she's not into the giving, it's not going to be good for me. 

I know that may sound unreasonably idealistic, but it makes perfect sense to me.


----------

