# What do i do? Cheating, Separation, Heartbreak, Money Issues



## AK341 (Apr 13, 2020)

I've been in a relationship for 8 years and married for 6 months...
My spouse told me about 2 months ago that she wanted to end the relationship but then after talking she agreed to try working on it. But then it became fighting every day because one day she would say she would try and the next she said she was done. We had issues before this but manageable and things that could be fixed. She said she felt that we don't communicate, don't prioritize each other, lack of a sex life. I feel as though this is because we just started a long distance relationship after getting married. So the last for the 6 months of course we arent communicating as much, we cant prioritize each other since we are in separate cities and of course there would be less sex.
I found out she has been seeing someone else. Cheating on me for a bit over the 2 months that we have been fighting and trying to work it out. I'm so heartbroken cause I love her so much. So betrayed, devastated and sad.
Even after finding this out, I was willing to work on it because marriage is a big deal to me. Once you get married you are suppose to work on it through the good and bad. But she doesn't even want to try.
She's still seeing this other person who is married with a toddler. I've tried telling the other person's spouse and they were a complete asshole about it and told me to stay out of their business. I was just trying to let them know in case they didn't. Apparently they have a open relationship but that doesnt mean you can do around ruining other people's relationships.
So here comes the issue on top of all of that... I paid my spouse's student loan for her about $20,000 and said she can just pay me back over time. (Yeah trust me I know it wss a stupid idea now but I thought we were forever). How do I get it back? She says she will pay me back but has been delaying it for the last 2 weeks already. I know she has the funds to pay me back. I told her I need it back my the end of the month now no matter what but I think shes going to delay it some more again. Because originally it was suppose to be 2 weeks ago and then last week. It just never happened. If I get lawyers involved that will just drain that amount and it will go to nothing. Also, I have more money than her so if we were to fight it out, I feel like she would end up getting more of my money anyways.
Can I just like go back to our place and refuse to leave until she gives me my money back? The place is somewhere we rented with no paperwork though and i moved out once i found out about her cheating.
So my questions are:
What can I do to get my money back?
What do I do about her? I still love her and I'm still so hurt about all of this. I want her to want this relationship and try at it but she won't even do that. Marriage to me is such a big deal. You don't just give up you work on it.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

You really have been very foolish. You cannot get the money back. You might ask a lawyer WHEN YOU FILE FOR DIVORCE... just to be sure.

She has been living the single life since before she had the talk so the affair has been going on much longer that you think.

So just file for divorce and move on. You guys don't have kids do you? Just move on.

Question, how did you expect to keep a young marriage together long distance???? Who's idea was that?

Oh, and make no mistake, she has given up... She likes the new guy better, her is there. 

Is this your first relationship or something???


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## AK341 (Apr 13, 2020)

No children.

Yes it was both of our first real relationship with someone. We met young and long ago.

The long distance was unexpected. We didn't intend on having to do that but needed to for work.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

OK, I still don't get the work thing. Did she have a job that made a ton of money and could not move. Unless it is a **** ton of money I call BS on that. 

Yes, get out dude. Read on the infidelity section a while. Don't be one of the guys that does the pick me dance. 

Plus not kids, now way you should stay. As you get older you will understand. 

But just try to learn from this, and next time PICK BETTER...


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## AK341 (Apr 13, 2020)

She had the stable job with more money. While mine is temporary so it made no sense for her to move with me for a year and then both have unstable incomes.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

AK341 said:


> She had the stable job with more money. While mine is temporary so it made no sense for her to move with me for a year and then both have unstable incomes.


I think you over estimate the stable verses money and marriage. So it she was making 150, 000 a year, great benefits, and every thing else, then ok. Maybe that was reasonable. If she was just doing a low lever job it was not worth it. 

Here is the thing, you have to look long term. And when you get married again, understand that the "Marriage" is the most important thing. When you are young you can make more money.

So yeah, bad idea, esp when you are this young. She could not even last a year? That is really bad.

You see that you need to end this marriage don't you???


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## AK341 (Apr 13, 2020)

She agreed that we could do a year or else I wouldnt have taken the job. If I didn't think we could have survived the year apart... I wouldn't have taken the job. Sure it would have been a challenge but it was one that we both agreed that we could handle. She was suppose to stick it out. It wasn't even for long. It doesn't make sense and that's so shallow and selfish of her.
I do but it doesn't make it hurt any less or make me stop having any feelings for her.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The timeline of her cheating and lying is not what she is telling you. Cheaters ALWAYS minimize in an effort to make their bad behavior seem somehow aboveboard and respectable. They also rewrite the marital history and justify what they are doing.

So, I will bet the farm that she was cheating first and then decided that you two had problems and needed to separate. Don't believe that your relationship caused the rift. Her selfishness, lying, and cheating caused the rift.

I know it's hard now, but you will move on and stop loving her. At some point, you will wonder how you ever wanted her back. We all know that you aren't there yet, but you will get there. As much as she is following the cheater's script, you are following the betrayed script.

Document her loan as much as you can. Find out if you're in a one-party state and record any conversations you have about it. Talk to a lawyer. Are there any things of value in your marital home that you can take in exchange? If so, I would do it.

If you stick with us here, you will be guided through the pain. You may want to get some therapy as time goes on to help you heal.

Sorry for your pain. Really.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Also, don't assume she wouldn't have done this if you hadn't taken the long-distance job. It's very possible that it would have happened no matter what you did.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

AK341 said:


> She agreed that we could do a year or else I wouldnt have taken the job. If I didn't think we could have survived the year apart... I wouldn't have taken the job. Sure it would have been a challenge but it was one that we both agreed that we could handle. She was suppose to stick it out. It wasn't even for long. It doesn't make sense and that's so shallow and selfish of her.
> I do but it doesn't make it hurt any less or make me stop having any feelings for her.


I get that you are hurting, but you really need to realize that she is done and probably has been done for a while. 

And you are right, by your moral and maturity standards it does not make sense. But to her, it does, and you can never change that. 

You chose poorly. We all do it, but you need to take this gift and run. And believe me, it is a gift to find out this soon that the woman you love is a cheating lying POS....


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Defintely file for divorce and cut your losses. It this is not a red flag, I do not know what is.

You may have to try to recoup the money in divorce. Was there a transfer directly from your account to her student loan account as a proof? This would be for a lawyer to decide if you can get it back.
some people just don't have shame, and your wife seems like one. To take your money, cheat on you right after wedding, and not to pay back the money, that's something.
Run. If you get money back, great, but there is nothing to work on in this marriage.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Unfortunately, you have been played.
You need to figure that she is 99.99% gone.
Another issue is that now three is her operative number. Throuple anyone?
Very little chance that she would ever come back, unless Toddler boy/couple ups and dumps her.
At that point, you would become "Plan B", until she can rinse and repeat.
You need to lawyer up and file now.
She can find out about it when she is served.
For your sake, hopefully you at least have a text or something of her acknowledging the 20K, and that she is to repay.
Make sure your lawyer knows, and take it off the proceeds when all is divided up.


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## AK341 (Apr 13, 2020)

She is rewriting what has happened. I know she is telling people that it is because I get mad when we fight and say ****ty things. She told me that is the reason why she wants to end it.

I know she met this new person in January. So I'm assuming things started then but didnt tell me she wanted to end it until mid February but then agreed to work on things with me after that. It just makes no sense to me.

No our home is rented and so we don't have to fight about that. But there isn't anything that would make up for the money I lost.

But I thought about staying in that place with her until she gives me my money back. Is that something I could do? Even though I moved out already?

Yes I have proof that I transferred the money to her student loans. 

I do have messages saying she will pay be back but she was suppose to pay me back 2 weeks ago and then changed it to last week...now its end of the month and she agreed to that but I don't know if I believe she will actually give it back.

Also the issue is I have more money in my accounts than she does so if we get lawyers involved and fight...I feel like I would end up losing more money in the end.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

AK341 said:


> She is rewriting what has happened. I know she is telling people that it is because I get mad when we fight and say ****ty things. She told me that is the reason why she wants to end it.
> 
> I know she met this new person in January. So I'm assuming things started then but didnt tell me she wanted to end it until mid February but then agreed to work on things with me after that. It just makes no sense to me.
> 
> ...


Well you don't need to operate on FEELINGS. You need to talk to your lawyer. And you need to do it now. 

Further, does she have access to your accounts? If she does you need to end that today, whatever you have to do. 

You really need to start operating like an adult business man, because she already is. She found a better deal and she is playing you as long as she can. 

Do you see that yet?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

AK341 said:


> I know she is telling people that it is because I get mad when we fight and say ****ty things.


That can be relationshion killer. Work on it for the sake of your future relationships. Get out from this one. I think the sooner you do, the less money it will cost you. Can you get annulment if this is under a year?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

AK341 said:


> She is rewriting what has happened. I know she is telling people that it is because I get mad when we fight and say ****ty things. She told me that is the reason why she wants to end it.
> 
> I know she met this new person in January. So I'm assuming things started then but didnt tell me she wanted to end it until mid February but then agreed to work on things with me after that. It just makes no sense to me.
> 
> ...


You need to counter her re-writing of your marriage with your/her friends and your/her family. You need to expose that SHE is cheating, and expose her AP as having an open marriage -- his wife knows all about this and that they have destroyed a marriage. You need to protect your reputation here.

Keep your finances locked down so that SHE cannot access anything there. 
Get with a lawyer to find out your options.
If you have proof that she said she would repay it, I would imagine a good lawyer can enforce that.

To have a marriage BOTH need to really want it -- and she seems to be giving you lip service only that she wants to work on it. You cannot work on your marriage with a 3rd party involved.


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## AK341 (Apr 13, 2020)

I have already changed all my passwords. So she does not have any access to it and she has done the same. She says she will pay me back but I am not so sure if she will. Once or if I get lawyers involved then she for sure won't and I barely have a case to fight her on that plus I have more money than her.

I cannot get an annulment. My options are to be separated for a year and then file for a divorce or if the other is willing to tell the truth and say she has been cheating then I can get a divorce now. But I doubt that will happen.

I don't know if I'm ready to tell everyone about my business and issues. I'm not really the type of person that would go around bashing someone even if they do deserve it. I'm normally a very private person and only some close friends know what is going on.

I think at first she was saying I get mad and that it makes her unhappy but I think now she is just telling people things weren't working out and she was unhappy after I called her out on it for bashing me to people and she apologized. She also told me she expected the worst from me and that I would be telling everyone that she cheated and such. But in reality, it was her.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

AK341 said:


> I have already changed all my passwords. So she does not have any access to it and she has done the same. She says she will pay me back but I am not so sure if she will. Once or if I get lawyers involved then she for sure won't and I barely have a case to fight her on that plus I have more money than her.
> 
> I cannot get an annulment. My options are to be separated for a year and then file for a divorce or if the other is willing to tell the truth and say she has been cheating then I can get a divorce now. But I doubt that will happen.
> 
> ...


You do not have to go around and tell everybody your business. That's not their business. If you chose to tell your family or close friends, that's a different issue. But even for this you may not be ready . Handle it the way so you feel good about it.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The longer you stay married the deeper your debt will be. What happens if she ends up pregnant? Or says she loves you and wants to work it out so you buy a house? Or a new car? Or gives you herpes or some other social disease?

She is a train wreck, you either crash and burn with her or get the **** off the ride.

Stop comingeling any money, cancel any credit cards. Short term marriage with no assets you should be able to get a dissolution, cost is a few hundred dollars and you file all the papers yourself. Save every bit of communication, once the dissolution is over maybe you can sue her for the 20K.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

AK341 said:


> I don't know if I'm ready to tell everyone about my business and issues. I'm not really the type of person that would go around bashing someone even if they do deserve it. I'm normally a very private person and only some close friends know what is going on.


I can understand your feeling about this, but do you want YOUR name smeared by her? Do you want YOUR reputation messed with by her?
IF she has backed off, that is one thing, but the folks she DID tell that to -- you should set them straight. She IS cheating, so her saying "I know you would be telling everyone I cheated and such" -- THAT is just manipulation from her trying to get you to keep it quiet. Just be aware of that.


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## AK341 (Apr 13, 2020)

I have to be separated for a year now so I will still have to be technically married to her for a while longer. But I know this won't work anymore logically even though I still love her. It's too far gone by now. I know I need to get away from her. Just hard to do of course after building a life together for so long.

She is smearing my name to people I don't really care about. The majority of them I don't care to be friends with anyways or didn't really like them. Some of the people that I do care about know the truth about her cheating but of course, they will be on her side because it is her family, like her parents. Which completely sucks because I enjoyed their company.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

For the folks you DON'T care about -- you SHOULD correct them. You never know who THEY will talk to and this is how the lies spread and become the perceived truth.
It is a shame about her family. Have you spoken with ANY of them about her cheating?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

AK341 said:


> I have already changed all my passwords. So she does not have any access to it and she has done the same. She says she will pay me back but I am not so sure if she will. Once or if I get lawyers involved then she for sure won't and I barely have a case to fight her on that plus I have more money than her.


I am sorry, how exactly do you know if you have a case of not? Have you talked to a lawyer yet? If you have not you are guessing. And even if you do not, you need to know for sure. 

And what do you mean if you get lawyers involved? Are you someplace you can do a self serve divorce? If so rethink some of that. 

Look 20 grand is a lot of money. Further you guys have not been married very long. The case could be made that she married you JUST SO you would pay her student loans and that she was cheating most of the marriage. 

You need to stop guessing. If the money is gone, then it is gone, but you need a real live lawyer to tell you that. The lawyer need to be a good one that you trust...


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

For the sake of all men, drop her like a turd and move on. All this stuff about you loving her, wanting to find a way to avoid divorce, etc. just enables her to think she is special and her terrible actions don't matter. But by taking a hardline and walking away, then she and all her girlfriends will learn that cheating means instant divorce. Start the separation now. In many states, the official date of separation is the date at which shared debts matter. If she spends money after the separation date, then that's her debt in the divorce. Until the separation, her debt is your debt.

Get a lawyer now and get the process started. Any advice you get here about the school loans may not apply in your state or situation and you shouldn't rely on what we are telling you. A lawyer will be able to tell you your rights and let you know if there are viable ways of getting that back.


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## AK341 (Apr 13, 2020)

I just don't see any point in getting into such a dramatic mess where we end up being completely nasty to each other. You know? Like if someone asks me about it, then I will tell them but for all these people that I will never talk to again, I don't see the point.

I have tried to talk to her mom but she won't answer me, so whatever I guess. Which is funny cause we use to have a good relationship. I also spoke with her stepsister about it.

If she truly won't give me the 20 grand back then I will definitely get lawyers involved. But my logic is that once I do that when everything blows up and we will fight for literally every single possession. Maybe I will consult in a lawyer to see what my options are. Because like I said, I have more money than her in my bank so things could get messy and it might not even have been worth it. But I will see and consult a lawyer.

I am definitely trying to get her out of my life. I don't want her back anymore because it is too far gone to fix.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Families usually side with their relative so that’s not surprising. She’s put her story out there to preempt yours (the one that’s the truth). You need to correct hers unless you’re okay with what she’s doing. As for the money, don’t count on her doing what she said she’d do any time soon. But you could make that part of the divorce agreement. And count yourself very lucky there are no children in this mess.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The other thing -- don't just get to a lawyer about the 20k she owes you -- get to a lawyer for the separation agreement/divorce plan since you are going in that direction. Do this ASAP before she sandbags you...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

At only six months in, you may be able to get an annulment. Ask the lawyer about that.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

AK341 said:


> I have to be separated for a year now so I will still have to be technically married to her for a while longer. But I know this won't work anymore logically even though I still love her. It's too far gone by now. I know I need to get away from her. Just hard to do of course after building a life together for so long.
> 
> She is smearing my name to people I don't really care about. The majority of them I don't care to be friends with anyways or didn't really like them. Some of the people that I do care about know the truth about her cheating but of course, they will be on her side because it is her family, like her parents. Which completely sucks because I enjoyed their company.


Also from Canada, also went through this.

Yes you usually need to be separated for a year to divorce, but the separation agreement takes effect immediately. It financially separates you two, and the only real difference between that and a divorce is that you need a divorce to marry someone else.

So focus on the separation agreement.

My ex also smeared my name around to everyone she could. I didn't fight it, but I probably should have. Everybody figured it out on their own though, when I rebuilt my life and moved on. I ended up keeping 99% of our 'mutual' friends, where she didn't.

Her family went literally from telling me they loved me one weekend to pretending I didn't exist the next. A month or two later, they walked past me on the street and pretended I wasn't there. It's what happens.


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## AK341 (Apr 13, 2020)

I think we are okay now. She is starting to pay me back slowly so it is better than nothing. I think we can handle this divorce without it getting too messy.
I will work on getting the separation agreement official, but that also hurts cause then it is official legal wise... 
She sent me a message with a true apology about her actions. I think she finally did some self reflecting and realized how bad her actions were towards me. But everything else still holds true. She is still planning on moving forward with this other person. And I am still left in a **** storm of heartbreak.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

AK341 said:


> She sent me a message with a true apology about her actions. I think she finally did some self reflecting and realized how bad her actions were towards me. But everything else still holds true. She is still planning on moving forward with this other person. And I am still left in a **** storm of heartbreak.


I think that her "apology" was to make HER feel better about herself. See, she's really not so bad, right AK?? 
Listen to her ACTIONS -- not her words. That tells you her true feelings and intentions.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> I think that her "apology" was to make HER feel better about herself. See, she's really not so bad, right AK??
> Listen to her ACTIONS -- not her words. That tells you her true feelings and intentions.


This is the truth. She sent that to you to make herself feel better. 

You need to stop trying to absolve her of that she did. She is not a good person, probably never was and may never be. 

You need to internalize that and work on your picker for your next relationship. Your picker failed you on this woman...


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

AK341 said:


> I think we are okay now. She is starting to pay me back slowly so it is better than nothing. I think we can handle this divorce without it getting too messy.
> I will work on getting the separation agreement official, but that also hurts cause then it is official legal wise...
> She sent me a message with a true apology about her actions. I think she finally did some self reflecting and realized how bad her actions were towards me. But everything else still holds true. She is still planning on moving forward with this other person. And I am still left in a **** storm of heartbreak.


Make sure that you have the debt and payback schedule in writing.


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