# 4 affairs in 18 months and he wants to make it work



## CharlotteW (Jan 17, 2010)

Hi all,
I have been reading a lot on this website recently and I thought it's maybe time i share my story and get some advice.
I am 34, I have been married for 7 years, my husband and I have 2 daughters (one is 5 and the other is 16 months old).
2 months ago I discovered that my husband was having an affair. Despite him trying to make me believe he never had sex with her, he later on that day admitted to having had a full affair with her and also owned up to another 2 affairs before that.
I then digged more in his credit card details and discovered a hotel booking in october this year, he eventually admitted that he met another woman that night as well which brings up the total to 4.
He lied about a lot of the details of the affair (I found out via his credit card statements and by talking to the 4 women directly).
Everyone on this forum knows how it feels to discover that your world is falling apart so I am sure I don't need to explain how awful I am feeling or how I still cry everyday.
He is now telling me it's me and the kids he really wants, not that other life. He has started counselling to deal with his issues and to find out what drove him to cheat on me. His explanation is that after a huge deception with a job he had worked really hard for for over 3 years, he felt really low and that's why he cheated the first time at a business event while I was pregnant because it made him feel good to be wanted, to be flattered (even though we were still intimate, very much in love or so I thought) and despite talking about it that night because I was feeling quite vulnerable while pregnant and was afraid that all these pretty and slim women may turn his head, he told me never yet a few hours later he was in a taxi following a text she sent him with her hotel and room number.
Then nothing happened for a year and in June 2009 he cheated again with a woman he met on a chatroom. This went on for over 3 months and he met her about 5 times, mostly for a few days and once for a full week. Then he went on match.com as a separated father of 2 and met the last 2, one was the one I discovered and it was going on for 7 weeks and the last one was a one night thing in a hotel. He is giving me the same reasons: the vicious circle of wanting to feel better, feeling guilty, feeling and the doing it again for that "feel good kick".
He tells me he loves me, tells me it's me he wants but my head and heart are all over the place. I am not even giving you all the details of all the things he did (unprotected sex, taking our children to have lunch with the one he met in the hotel, etc).
I know we could have something really good if I could get over the hurt but I am afraid I can't because it's simply too much.
Has anyone experienced anything similar and whether or not marriages can survive such extended damages or is there a hurt/betrayal/deception that is simply too much for one to get over? Is it just me who's too weak to get over what he's done? Is there such a thing as unrepairable despite love?
Any thoughts on this would be welcome.
C.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi, 
This is not about you in any way, your husband has a problem with committing to your relationship, once is a mistake, maybe but 4 times......
this is not right, he is married to you and you just don't have other relationships while you are married...
This to me is the most selfish act anyone can do, my husband also has had an affair with a woman he worked with...
We are now in the process of separation......Affairs leave you/me with so many doubts about our marriages and what it actually meant to our husbands......I find it hard to believe that what we would feel didn't matter to them, Can you ever trust what he says again? Can you believe he can change now? Why couldn't he while he was signing up for web sites to find other women...
It's devastating to say the least, it's been 8 weeks for me and thoughts of the whole thing fill me with rage, tears and a feeling like my whole world has been ripped from under me.
Don't blame yourself at all, and remember we can only control ourselves and be responsible for that. Be true to who you are and conduct yourself with respect and honesty...
take care of the kids and yourself....
Your husband has a long way to go to fix the way he views his committment to his family.....
Can you ever get over the doubt, read on the forum of others stories and see the day to day struggles and decide if this is a life you can live.....good luck


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## CharlotteW (Jan 17, 2010)

Thanks for your answer.
It's very difficult to talk about it because it's so rare to find a woman whose husband did not have just 1 affair but 4 and it makes it only worse for me.
It's only been just over 2 months since I found out and I am still living my life as if it is a nightmare.
He keeps telling me to give it time but I feel I'll never see him in the same light as before.
How do you feel about your husband?
He has disappointed me so much, I thought he was strong and I now realise how weak he is and pathetic.


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## CharlotteW (Jan 17, 2010)

I wonder if I am a complete idiot for even having considered staying with him.
And I'd love to have a crystal ball to find out whether or not things will be different or is the way I feel now how things will remain.
Right now I don't want to make this work, I don't want him anywhere near me, I can't even think or ever being intimate with him again.
Somehow I guess I'm looking for someone to say that they've done it, that you can get through as much pain as he's put me through, that life together is possible even after 18 months of lies and cheating.
Because right now I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel...


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## floweredteacup (Aug 12, 2009)

WWWOOOWWW!! I am shocked about your story! No one is better off than you. Everyone has their own "sad" story. However, if it wasn't already said..."HE NEEDS COUNSELING" Sounds as if he is self-absorbed or self-centered? I never understood why men use that pitiful excuse of "MY NEEDS" weren't being met! or " I needed to feel wanted" D*MN! Women don't feel the same way?!?! Oh, I forgot...we don't have the time! We are busy washing your skid marked drawers, funky t-shirts, cleaning and feeding your children while you sit on the computer, cell phone and/or watch t.v. and complain about "I FEEL NEGLECTED AND NOT LOVE" Tell them to call their mother and let her hear that B*LLSH*T!!! :soapbox:

Hope all works out, though. Seems as though you really love him, but he needs to remember the true meaning of marriage and love. Counseling will do YOU some good too! You don't need your self-worth shattered. Wish you the best!


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## CharlotteW (Jan 17, 2010)

Thanks for your reply.
You are right anyone who's been betrayed or cheated upon is in the same boat of misery.
I am just trying to figure out whether there is a point where no matter how much you love the other person, you can't forgive and therefore you can't move on as a couple... so I guess I am trying to compare to just one affair, or just a one night-stand, would I find it just as hard.


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## furiouskitten (Jan 17, 2010)

I am all for trying to save a marriage, especially one that involves children. Unfortunately this is not a marriage worth saving! This man, your husband, is no longer dedicated to you or your marriage together. I know it's hard to hear, but this man is just going to continue this behavior. Your children are young and so are you, move on! It is important to have a healthy friendship or friendly relationship with him for your children's sake. But these events will not be his last and eventually you will have been hurt too bad to move on. 

It's time, your marriage has reached it's capacity. Move on.
Best of luck.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I wish you luck!! Some men and some woman do a very good job of seperating the physical from the real life and enjoy living a pseudo fantasy world. It's exciting, new, fresh, and then the foundation of your life is still there.

I hope you get through it, but to be honest if I was cheated on 4 times it would take alot of "action" to prove to me they were being faithful again.

Life is hard sometimes


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi again, 
I think you are thinking the same way as I have been the last 2 months, it is like being stuck in some storm you can't get out of. 
I look at my husband now and feel disgust and I'm so disappointed that he was even capable of such a act of disrespect.
I have been married for 22 years, 2 grown sons and I never had a minute of doubt in his integrity or did I ever question his truthfulness......all that seems like such a farse now....it's like what I have believed all these years was some big lie....
cheaters are great liers....all of this is extremely difficult to come to terms with, we have decided to separate for a lot of reasons, it's hard to go against what you believe in at the core of who you are. Could I or you I don't know.....you have to true to yourself, 
A lot of people on this board are trying, some with great success.
Some of them also have had multiple affairs, just like you, read and get some insight as to what your decision might be, feel free to post everything and anything you like, there are a lot of smart people here living the same sort of hell we are, all at different stages of the process, good luck honey.......be strong for you.


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## chessie (Jan 17, 2010)

Well it's not only me going through it then!. We have been married 16 years and have just found out about the fourth affair(that i know of)The first one I found out about was while I was pregnant with our first child, he left ,then came crawling back on his belly. Our child died at eight weeks old, he left me because he couldn't cope with his guilt. We got back together some six months later. I got pregnant again and during that pregnancy found out he'd been unfaithful when we were first married. Then after the birth of our third child he had an affair with a woman at work. All these times i felt so emotionally vunerable so forced myself to continue with the marriage.
Then eight weeks ago discovered that yet again he had been unfaithful this time his feet didn't touch the ground as i kicked him out. I have been so reasonable and friendly with him for the sake of the children but still he abuses my good nature. He of course wants to come back but the whole time keeps her in the back ground in case. I have to for my sanity's sake move forward without him, i won't deny its easy and i still cry a lot, but i know i will be happier in the long run.
I had to laugh about the skid marks, I don't miss those she's welcome to them.


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## CharlotteW (Jan 17, 2010)

Thanks so much for your comments.
It's so hard and daunting to have what looks like a colossal decision and I honestly am scared of making the wrong decision, especially because of the children.
The 4 affairs were in "one go" so to say - I never found out about them and even though I had some doubts and confronted him about it, he was excellent at finding all the right things to say in order to convince me otherwise.
One little bit of hope maybe is that he admitted to 2 affairs I may never have found out about otherwise ...
How do you find coping with your decision Chessie? Have you ever regretted it?
And Jessi, how long did it take you for the right decision to be clear? I feel like on a rollercoaster: one day I want to go, the next I don't. Thanks


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## chessie (Jan 17, 2010)

charlotte it is very hard I didn't expect to be in this position at this age but by the same token i wouldn't want to be in this position in ten years time thinking i should have left earlier. The children are a lot happier because i am much calmer and probably because the pair of us are now being civil to each other. The other woman was twenty years younger than me which is an additional kick while you are down but if it hadn't have been her it would have been someone else. We are young enough to find someone else, although the thought of that at the moment has no interest for me! But surely we are worth so much more than that.


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## CharlotteW (Jan 17, 2010)

Thanks Chessie. I know what you mean about leaving now rather than later. I just can't believe he's done all that ... 
I know he's very remorseful and since all his infidelities have come to light, he's changed so much, he's back to being the man I fell in love with.
So it leaves me in such turmoil because I wonder if with his therapy he may actually change and never do anything like this again.
C.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Charlotte, this is just too much. The hurt and betrayal that you must feel is terrible...

I admire that you are so keen on saving your marriage. It does really seem like he needs to go to counselling. Possibly he has an addiction, or simply needs to work through commitment issues, etc. And it could be that he's just been completely heartless.... sigh.

What types of barriers and boundaries have you both agreed to now that he's changed? Does he still go online unsupervised? Has he taken measures to keep himself in check with other women? These are ways you can truly see if he's changing and commiting to becoming a different man. Hard, fast rules that honor you and your marriage will go a long way.


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## CharlotteW (Jan 17, 2010)

Thanks for all the support.
My husband is doing counselling on his own and so are we as a couple. But it doesn't make things easier.
He is the one who used to tell me how he'd never cheat on me, never throw away what we had for any other woman because it was so precious and I believed every word of it.
When we met it was love at first sight, and we more or less fell in love instantly like it was always meant to be.
Now I question everything, whether he is my true love or not, whether I got it all wrong.

It feels like I have that huge cloud of sadness, anger and despair over me that follows me everywhere.
I've seen him change since everything came out yet I am so afraid that he's done so much that I can't ever forgive him and move on. 
Can anything be forgiven?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

charlotte, jessi again, 
I think I just weighed out what I actually meant to my husband couldn't have been much if he could go to all the trouble he did to hide and lie about his affair, so many times, they actually went out and purchased separate phones so they could text and talk to each other all day long......and then him just easily throwing our marriage vows out the window for what someone he had only know for 3-4 months.....I expect more loyality and honesty than I was given and that is not alright with me. I asked myself why would I settle for someone that treats me with this kind of disrespect. He may not have respected me. But I'm worth being respected and so are you.......It hurts really bad at first and as time goes on it gets easier.......focus on you and the kids and move on with your life........I still do the back and forth thing and maybe we always will.......but think about things really I know that I couldn't go back and live a life where I constantly worry about what he is doing, where he is, and who is spending time with........Trust is huge for me........I'm 53 and I am not spending the rest of my life with this kind of stress............


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