# "Blended" Family and Child Issues



## TheJourneyBegins (Feb 24, 2012)

Hi,

Well, I've posted about sex and various other relationship dynamics before, but I have a different issue here related to my wife and her dynamics with her children. Let me explain. I have 3 children, 14 and 18 yr old girls (Freshman and Senior in HS), and a 20 yr old son (working and earning money for college). My wife has 14 and 16 yr old boys. The issue is my wife's relationship with her kids vs her relationship with me, particularly when it comes to her 14 yr old. 

My wife has always admired tall men, and as such she's delighted that her boys are both 5'10 (and the one is only 14). The 14 yr old is an AVID basketball player. My wife played basketball in HS (she is 5'6, however....) and she and he spend a lot of time talking basket ball. Each evening, she goes outside with him and spends quite a bit of time watching him, rebounding for him and playing with him at his request. Often, that leaves me to clean up the dinner dishes. She spends a good deal of time watching him play video games, again at his request, and when we're getting ready to relax after dinner and perhaps watch a movie, he always plops down next to her on the couch (where I would normally sit) and watches with us, often with his head on her shoulder. If he needs a drink of water or a napkin or a snack, he asks her for it and she goes and fetches it for him. On a whim, I asked her to grab me a glass of water once and she asked me why I couldn't get it myself. Her son is over-the-top grateful for everything she does, thanking her profusely for each thing she does for him and telling he he loves her. On the other side of it, I hear things such as "Mom, it's after 11, shouldn't you be in bed" and her response, "Oh.,....I'm sorry, I must have let time get away from me", after which she heads off to bed in the same manner my daughters do when we have the reverse conversation.

Often, when we're not sitting around at the table for dinner, I'll wind up eating alone at the breakfast bar while she takes her dinner outside to watch her son play basketball. 

There are issues when I find fault with anything my wife's boys do, particularly the 14 yr old. If I complain about something, she'll say, "How do you know it wasn't one of your kids?"...even if my kids are at their mom's for the week. When I protest, she says, "Well, if you didn't see him do it, you don't know it was one of them, do you?" and the issue will be forgotten. Even if they're caught dead to rights doing something sneaky, nothing comes of it.

I guess it sounds like I'm a bit jealous of the attention the 14 yr old boy and his brother (not so much) get. I suppose I am a bit, inasmuch as once she's done doing things with them, she has little or no energy left for me in terms of sex or anything else, as she has to get to bed early to get up for work and suffers a bit from chronic pain. This is not always the case, and things have gotten better in that area, but it's still unpleasant.

Honestly, I wouldn't ask this question here except that my children have literally come to ask me what the relationship really is between my wife and her 14yr old. They think it's creepily like what they think her relationship should be with me.

The boys father lives 3 hours away and doesn't see his kids often...less than once every 3 months, and they call him on and off. I have my kids every other week for a week and am heavily involved in their sports, academics and after school activities.

I wonder if others have run into issues such as these....my kids are really wondering why things are like this, and why. I've tried to approach her to discuss this thing, but she's unwilling to talk about it and tells me I'm making things up and getting myself all worked up over nothing.

I can accept that I may be a bit paranoid and somewhat jealous, but we don't have that much time to ourselves, and I'm just not sure what my course of action should be here.

I'd welcome any advice.

TJB


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been married? How long did you date before that?

I'd suggest counseling, as a first step. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheJourneyBegins (Feb 24, 2012)

I should have mentioned this: We've been married for 5 years, dated for 1.5 years, and we are in counseling. During counseling sessions, I feel like I'm whining about little things (as she tends to put it), and it's tough to really paint things as they happen because she gets quite defensive very quickly.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And has she always been like this? Perhaps you guys need a different counsellor, if you can't get your side out without her getting defensive. What does SHE see as the problems in your marriage? Besides you whining about little things... 

How often do you two go out on date nights?

C


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

In counseling have you told her that her place is beside you? She is also raising a bit who is going to be shocked to learn that girls are not going to wait on him like mommy. While your wife might like the idea that she cannot be replaced she will be doing him a great disservice.

Also, he isn't that tall. Are you tall?

Sit down next to her, stop cleaning up the dishes... have the kids clean up... And stop whining and rather be the man of the house.


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## TheJourneyBegins (Feb 24, 2012)

We don't get a lot of chances to go out on datenights, because she's very tired during the week given her fibro and all of the things that she does with the kids. Probably once or twice a month, I would say. We are looking for another counselor.

As far as always being like this....it's been getting worse since their dad moved out of town and they don't see him. My kids are here 1 week and at their mom's (who is a good friend of mine) one week. Hers are here 24/7.


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## TheJourneyBegins (Feb 24, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> In counseling have you told her that her place is beside you? She is also raising a bit who is going to be shocked to learn that girls are not going to wait on him like mommy. While your wife might like the idea that she cannot be replaced she will be doing him a great disservice.
> 
> Also, he isn't that tall. Are you tall?
> 
> Sit down next to her, stop cleaning up the dishes... have the kids clean up... And stop whining and rather be the man of the house.


As far as the whining, I'm down with NMMNG and have been trying to cut that crap out. No, I'm 5'6" so not tall. I was thinking that 5'10/5'11 is tall for a 14 yr old boy...

Yes, I agree that he'll be shocked. He goes to a charter school where the teachers all follow Love and Logic principles.. Yes, I've told her that in counseling and she says that I'm overstating the problem.

THB


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## TheJourneyBegins (Feb 24, 2012)

Oh, and her standard answer when I ask why she's behaving in a certain way is "I don't need a lecture from you. You're not my father.".


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

TheJourneyBegins said:


> I guess it sounds like I'm a bit jealous of the attention the 14 yr old boy and his brother (not so much) get. I suppose I am a bit, inasmuch as once she's done doing things with them, she has little or no energy left for me in terms of sex or anything else, as she has to get to bed early to get up for work and suffers a bit from chronic pain. This is not always the case, and things have gotten better in that area, but it's still unpleasant.
> 
> Honestly, I wouldn't ask this question here except that my children have literally come to ask me what the relationship really is between my wife and her 14yr old. They think it's creepily like what they think her relationship should be with me.


I'm going to be blunt and tell you what I think. 

You are 100% justified in feeling jealous and resentful. I haven't read your other threads but it seems as though you are kind of a plan B for your wife. You represent stability, comfort, status perhaps?,etc. but she has no real desire for you. 

She's projecting her idea of a desirable man onto her son. This is very unhealthy to say the least. The Oedipal complex on his end is beyond flagrant.

There are two issues here: their unhealthy mother/son relationship and your unhealthy wife/husband relationship. I'd say they are intertwined.

i would suggest making a timeframe in your own mind about how long you're going to wait for these issues to become resolved, hopefully through counselling. You don't need to talk about this to anyone. Just decide for yourself when a change needs to happen in order for you to stay in the relationship. As the time approaches, evaluate whether or not you think her behavior towards you has changed positively.

I can understand the tendency for a mother to worship her son. I adore my boy. We all think the sun rises and sets on our kids, that's part of being a parent, however, your wife seems to have become confused about what her role as a parent is.

I repeat, you are right to be alarmed. You're her husband. There is kid/parent time and adult time. Both are important.


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## TheJourneyBegins (Feb 24, 2012)

Omego said:


> I'm going to be blunt and tell you what I think.
> 
> You are 100% justified in feeling jealous and resentful. I haven't read your other threads but it seems as though you are kind of a plan B for your wife. You represent stability, comfort, status perhaps?,etc. but she has no real desire for you.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your comment very much. Our counselor started us working thru Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". We have gotten about 1/4 of the way thru the book, but it was hard to get her to make time to work thru it....one reason or another, either a kid issue or too tired, or didn't want to do hard work at that point etc. It's been put on the back burner for a while now, and with school starting up, her son's enmeshment in basketball (he plays in the driveway constantly, has his mom watching and coaching him, and talks about it with her after practices while he's relaxing under his blanket, lounging next to her on the couch while she rubs his legs because they ache after practice.....), and my responsibilities to my own children with regards to school, the Gottman work is still there.

I'm editing this to add that this would not be the case if we were dealing with a set of children that we had had together. If I was dealing with my 14yr old son trying to wedge himself between my wife and me, I would have treated it this way:

"OK, time for you to get up, I'd like to sit there." Whining or refusal would be met with...."Now. There are plenty of spots on the couch for you. It's been a long day and I want to spend some time with your mom. Why don't you go take some motrin and a hot shower if your legs are bothering you?" However, if I said this under the current situation, my wife would intercede angrily with something to the effect of "Journey!!! I'm rubbing his legs....why don't you go sit somewhere else? Why do you have to sit here when you see I'm busy? You're acting crazy!" and to the boy "Dont' worry, stay right there you don't have to get up...he's nuts."

I have been a "Nice Guy" for a lot of years, and on my other threads I was working thru that. I'm much better with dealing with her on an adult level for that work, which continues, but I am at a loss to determine how to remove that 14yr old wedge between us. I'm not sure how her other son feels about this; she certainly dotes on her youngest. And I'm not likely to get into it anytime soon...the other day I was irritated that her kids put dirty dishes in the sink after I had told folks (and put up a note) asking that they be put in the dishwasher, or washed if the dishwasher was running. I asked them to wash their dishes and put them away....they flatly said "No". I firmly insisted and received another "No!", at which time she interceded physically (just by stepping into the space between us to block me from eyesight) and verbally between us, telling them that they didn't have to listen to what I was saying because I was obviously crazy (because I was irritated). You can imagine my irritation.

We don't discipline each other's children (mainly because I am not fond of her parenting style), so that's where it was left.

In any case, I know it's a bit of a mess, and I do respect and will employ the suggestion that you made regarding determining a "D" date after which this will not continue.

Thanks!:iagree:


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Figure out how differently you might feel if you were average height which I believe is about 5'10" for a full grown man. 

From your description you seem justified but I'm afraid height insecurity comes into play here.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

BTW, you should be treating this kid as though he were your own all along. That's a huge problem blended families often make. Fix it.


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## TheJourneyBegins (Feb 24, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Figure out how differently you might feel if you were average height which I believe is about 5'10" for a full grown man.
> 
> From your description you seem justified but I'm afraid height insecurity comes into play here.


Height insecurity isn't a problem for me. I'm 5'7", 170# and a third degree black belt in taekwondo. I'm happy with my height, and don't have any issues regarding that sort of thing. I mentioned it because my wife has a very strong preference for tall men (over 6'2)...I've known this all along....and that seems to play into her behavior. She spends a LOT of time telling them how tall they look, and that she think's they're getting even taller. As far as I'm concerned, height is irrelevant. I've done everything I wanted, from playing AA volleyball to excelling martial arts and aerobatic flying.....and my average height hasn't hindered me at all...I really don't notice it.


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## TheJourneyBegins (Feb 24, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> BTW, you should be treating this kid as though he were your own all along. That's a huge problem blended families often make. Fix it.


Well, my kids and her kids simply don't get along. Mine were raised in an Italian sort of home with the loud, boisterous family and raised voices during discipline. She reports that it is physically painful for her kids to hear arguing, and has created a safe zone (the basement) where my kids are not allowed (actually, I'm not either) where she and they can escape if I am "yelling" at one of my kids.......

My wife is extremely heavy handed, condescending and intolerant (this is not my observation, but her own parent's) the couple of times she disciplined my kids in the beginning. If she disciplines hers, she can get pretty angry and loud. However, if I even suggest that it's her kids that have done something wrong, she won't act on it unless I can prove it wasn't someone else, and if none of us actually SAW it happened, she feels we can't be sure who did it even if it happened when my kids were not at our house.

So, we don't discipline each other's kids.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but the whole family dynamic you two have going on seems "wrong". They need a special place to get away from you and your kids? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

PBear said:


> No offense, but the whole family dynamic you two have going on seems "wrong". They need a special place to get away from you and your kids?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

OP, this doesn't sound much like a "blended" family at all (as stated in your title) but rather TWO separate families living under the same roof.

It sounds very unhealthy.

The WHOLE family needs counseling, try to become ONE unit, or I think it's time to move on.


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## TheJourneyBegins (Feb 24, 2012)

PBear said:


> No offense, but the whole family dynamic you two have going on seems "wrong". They need a special place to get away from you and your kids?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No offense taken whatsoever. My kids tend to be fairly talkative, their interactions are very lively and active, whether they are all laughing and having a great time together or arguing like siblings do. Sort of like you'd see riding on a school bus but much less rowdy (although they have their moments). Their TV volume setting is fine for me, and when it isn't I require them to turn it down.

My wife, on the other hand, says she comes from a family when no one ever raised their voices; her family is NOT lively or boisterous, or demonstrative...but seem rather repressed. She and her sis were both adopted. She says that a higher level of activity and noise such as my children create (which sounds like kids having fun to me) is physically PAINFUL for her kids, and it causes her 16 year old with dyslexia/ADHD to completely shut down, requiring tons of extra work from her to get him back to interacting with others.... The 14yr old feels bad for his mom and tries to help her by taking her to another room and sitting with her. So, since we've been living together, the basement (of the house I own and they moved into) has been labeled off limits to me and my kids (the main finished room of the basement is the 16yr old's "bedroom" and game room, and there is a finished bedroom for the 14yr old and finished bathroom for them both. It's there that she and her kids go to "escape" the chaos that is physically painful to all of them when my kids are too....uh......kid-like...

Yes, it's rather a cluster. I love when my kids are having a great time laughing and carrying on with each other and friends. Most of the time, hers are so quiet you don't know they are there. They take turns using the TV or playing videogames on the computer, and the 14 year old, as you know, plays basketball. Outside.


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## TheJourneyBegins (Feb 24, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> :iagree:
> 
> OP, this doesn't sound much like a "blended" family at all (as stated in your title) but rather TWO separate families living under the same roof.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I was going to put quotes around the "Blended", and I forgot. You're correct. Were in no way blended.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Our boys are very tall. Talking about it is normal.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

TheJourneyBegins said:


> And I'm not likely to get into it anytime soon...the other day I was irritated that her kids put dirty dishes in the sink after I had told folks (and put up a note) asking that they be put in the dishwasher, or washed if the dishwasher was running. I asked them to wash their dishes and put them away....they flatly said "No". I firmly insisted and received another "No!", at which time she interceded physically (just by stepping into the space between us to block me from eyesight) and verbally between us, telling them that they didn't have to listen to what I was saying because I was obviously crazy (because I was irritated). You can imagine my irritation.


I don't understand this dynamic. How dare they? Sorry to be so indignant but no, no, no. 

Yes please set that date for yourself, but in the meantime maybe you could establish better rules at home. It's your home. All children in said home are to obey. End of discussion. If your wife's children refuse to clean up their mess, then she should do it, not you. Her children are not to say "no" to you. They can say "no" to her but not to you! You're not their father, they cannot take the same liberties as they would with a bio parent. No way!!


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## TheJourneyBegins (Feb 24, 2012)

Omego said:


> I don't understand this dynamic. How dare they? Sorry to be so indignant but no, no, no.
> 
> Yes please set that date for yourself, but in the meantime maybe you could establish better rules at home. It's your home. All children in said home are to obey. End of discussion. If your wife's children refuse to clean up their mess, then she should do it, not you. Her children are not to say "no" to you. They can say "no" to her but not to you! You're not their father, they cannot take the same liberties as they would with a bio parent. No way!!


Interesting that you should mention that. After that incident, I made certain that she knew in no uncertain terms that if her kids don't clean up their messes, it's her responsibility to do so. I always do this with my own kids (however, for the most part, I interrupt whatever they are doing and require them to do it...it's only when they've left for their mom's when I'm not around to be sure they clean first that I pick up after them).

I agree with you completely.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife have a job outside the home? Full-time? part-time?

Does the 14yr old have any friends other than his mother?


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## MrsFrench (Sep 9, 2014)

TheJourneyBegins said:


> Well, my kids and her kids simply don't get along. Mine were raised in an Italian sort of home with the loud, boisterous family and raised voices during discipline. She reports that it is physically painful for her kids to hear arguing, and has created a safe zone (the basement) where my kids are not allowed (actually, I'm not either) where she and they can escape if I am "yelling" at one of my kids.......
> 
> My wife is extremely heavy handed, condescending and intolerant (this is not my observation, but her own parent's) the couple of times she disciplined my kids in the beginning. If she disciplines hers, she can get pretty angry and loud. However, if I even suggest that it's her kids that have done something wrong, she won't act on it unless I can prove it wasn't someone else, and if none of us actually SAW it happened, she feels we can't be sure who did it even if it happened when my kids were not at our house.
> 
> So, we don't discipline each other's kids.


I think that this far into the game (going on seven years?), with the children all teenaged or of adult age - it is too late to instill the kind of family unit that I would otherwise suggest, in which there are no "her kids" and "your kids" it's just "the kids" or "our kids". It is difficult enough to do that with older children from the get-go, so this deep into the dynamic...I think it would be a lost cause. 

I would, however, recommend setting new household rules, ones that everyone must abide by. Among these, would eliminate the horrifying notion that her children get an area of the house especially quarantined off for them. Not to mention, calling it a "safe zone" insinuates that they need to be protected from you and your children, and gives them and HER a sense of superiority. There is no way in Hell I would have any part of my home restricted. Set times the kids need to be elsewhere so Mom and Dad get to have their time together too, have dinner at the same time every night, at the table - if they want to play basketball, they are welcome to leftovers, but the family eats at ___PM in the kitchen. Instill respectful language expectations, saying someone is crazy, ignoring a parent, etc all have consequences. This way, no one feels isolated, her children or yours. It is a universal standard. 

Now, as for as your relationship - I'm not sure what to say. She sounds very disrespectful, inconsiderate, and none to eager to work on your marriage. I think a new counselor, with whom you are frank about what you NEED from this marriage and family life together, is in order. Set a date. By ___/___/___ the new household rules will be established and enforced, and we will be doing X, Y and Z to rebuild our relationship with one another. 

Best of luck to you, this sounds tough.


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## TheJourneyBegins (Feb 24, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Does your wife have a job outside the home? Full-time? part-time?
> 
> Does the 14yr old have any friends other than his mother?


Almost full time. Fridays off so she can pick up the kids who get out of school at 11:30. She doesn't make much money, not much more than to pay for the cost of her car insurance and car payment, and her kids school stuff. I pay for everything else. Our finances are not combined.

The 14 year old has friends, but doesn't see them during the week. They sometimes come over to the house on weekends; 2 more often than any others. They are both very immature. He supposedly has had a "girlfriend" but I have never seen her.


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## TheJourneyBegins (Feb 24, 2012)

beentheredonethat22 said:


> I am sorry to hear this, I know it must be difficult. Have you sat down and talked to your wife about it? Have you talked to a counselor at all ?


Yes, we have been in counseling. The biggest issue is, it seems, that our relationship takes a back seat to her kids. She'll schedule time for me, as she puts it, but usually after time with the kids. After kid time, she's either too tired (she has fibromyalgia) or it's too late..sometimes it works out). She feels she needs to stay up until 10pm (their bedtime) to make sure that they go to bed, but then won't do anything remotely active with me after that (sex included) because it's too late, and she needs sleep for the morning. Sort of a catch-22. She says it won't be long until the kids are out of the house, then we can get on with our relationship...right now she wants to spend as much time with them as possible.


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## TheJourneyBegins (Feb 24, 2012)

MrsFrench said:


> I think that this far into the game (going on seven years?), with the children all teenaged or of adult age - it is too late to instill the kind of family unit that I would otherwise suggest, in which there are no "her kids" and "your kids" it's just "the kids" or "our kids". It is difficult enough to do that with older children from the get-go, so this deep into the dynamic...I think it would be a lost cause.
> 
> I would, however, recommend setting new household rules, ones that everyone must abide by. Among these, would eliminate the horrifying notion that her children get an area of the house especially quarantined off for them. Not to mention, calling it a "safe zone" insinuates that they need to be protected from you and your children, and gives them and HER a sense of superiority. There is no way in Hell I would have any part of my home restricted. Set times the kids need to be elsewhere so Mom and Dad get to have their time together too, have dinner at the same time every night, at the table - if they want to play basketball, they are welcome to leftovers, but the family eats at ___PM in the kitchen. Instill respectful language expectations, saying someone is crazy, ignoring a parent, etc all have consequences. This way, no one feels isolated, her children or yours. It is a universal standard.
> 
> ...


All excellent suggestions and I do think I will use them. The issue with allowing my children into the basement at this point, is that 1/2 of it is one of the kids bedrooms, and the other 1/2 is the other kids room. Barring major construction, there is no part of the basement that isn't one of her kid's rooms. We have a 3100sq foot house (which I pay for), and each of my kids has a bedroom...we have no other rooms up for grabs. I agree, however, and even our counselor feels the notion of setting one part of the house up as a "safe zone" is horrifying. My wife, to hear her tell it, says that the noise my boisterous children create (and I'm fairly lively too) is PHYSICALLY PAINFUL to her kids, and that it cause them to emotionally shut down.

Sounds like a crock of S**T to me, and to our counselor as well.:rofl:


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

TheJourneyBegins said:


> I pay for everything else. Our finances are not combined.
> .


 She's your wife and you love her and want to take care of her. But she's not showing the same consideration for you. She's not showing any appreciation for your loyalty and support.

Actions, not words. Saying that the kids will be out of the house is absurd. You're supposed to wait for four years for the youngest to turn 18, then begin a normal romantic relationship? 

I assume you are posting because you've had enough--or almost. Don't let yourself be used by this person anymore. Noise? Physically painful? Unless you are screaming at the top of your lungs for several minutes, I don't see how this can be true.

Is there anything at all that she does for you which shows that she loves you? Anything?


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