# Having a bad night. Insecure about my husband's love for me.



## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Unfortunately, I struggle with insecurity quite often, and tonight is one of those nights that it's especially bad. A woman's intuition can be a powerful thing, but according to my husband, my parents, and my therapist, mine is broken and gives me constant false alarms. Tonight, somehow, I'm presented with the convincing notion that my husband doesn't like me and doesn't want to spend time with me. It's unsettling to suddenly have such thoughts, especially as just the day before we spent all day together at the fair and relished each other's company for hours. 

Tonight, I was already feeling lonely and insecure, so I asked if we could do something together. Since his love language is quality time, he almost always says yes when I ask to spend time with him. I suggested we watch a movie. His choice was a sad documentary about the plight of killer whales, and while he enjoyed the film and was happy that the knowledge of their mistreatment changed Seaworld for the better, I was just saddened and upset at the cruelty of the world. He then said to me, "Well, you can't just watch Cinderella all the time and not see anything of the real world!" I told him of course I knew that. But I happen to be a huge fan of Cinderella (as though you couldn't tell) and I was hurt by his remark. I told him that while I understood where he was coming from and the good that the documentary did for the whales, his comment about my choices in media seemed to me to be a bit too personal and cutting. He said he didn't mean it that way, but could understand how I might have taken it wrongly. I told him I forgave him, but he never apologized. 

I do forgive him. One doesn't have to cease being hurt in order to understand a person rather than blame them. 

And yesterday, when I panicked because I saw a wasp nest on the ferris wheel, he told me to shut up. He was clearly frustrated because I wanted to inform the manager about the wasp nest and he thought doing so would be somehow rude. It wasn't a major thing, but I was a little shocked he'd use such a phrase when addressing me.

I apologize; my thoughts are scattered at present. I understand I'm probably not making much sense, but it's just tiny little things like that that make me wonder if he loves me, if he *will* love me in the future. Just insignificant remarks. It's probably 2% bad things and 98% sweet moments or normal everyday life, but it's always that 2% that sets off my hypersensitive internal alarm.

As I say in the title, it's just a bad night. Hopefully I'll remember all the good things he does for me and be alright by morning.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So your husband likes to know about the plight of Killer Wales.

Yet when it comes to positive action to do something really about his local environment he seems to think that would be "rude."

Your husband needs to grow up.

How old is he, by the way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

It's hard to sleep. It's after 3 in the morning and I'm still not asleep. I told him I'd come to bed after "Just one more paragraph" of my essay, but I've finished the essay, read three chapters of Treason's Revelation, and browsed the posts here. I wonder if I should have some matcha and try sleep in the spare bed- a present he bought me in 2012 so I could have a private place to convalesce- or if I should enter the master bedroom and sleep with him. He prefers I sleep with him, but he's a light sleeper and will undoubtedly awaken if I go in there, and then he'll be made aware of just how late I've stayed awake... again. Gaining control of my insomnia has been an ongoing battle since I was 18, and it frustrates him when I don't sleep, or worse, when I sleep all day and miss out on being with him. I feel horribly guilty for that. I had been doing reasonably well, too, at least relatively speaking.

I can't stop worrying. I worry about our relationship, about my looks, about school... ugh. I wish my mind had an off button.

@MattMatt- he's actually 33. And generally extremely mature. But he thinks telling someone about the wasps would count as complaining, and, as he put it, what would the hapless park manager be able to do about it, climb up to the rafters and remove it himself? He, being British, thinks it's rude to acknowledge displeasure to strangers about anything...except the weather, for some reason.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> It's hard to sleep. It's after 3 in the morning and I'm still not asleep. I told him I'd come to bed after "Just one more paragraph" of my essay, but I've finished the essay, read three chapters of Treason's Revelation, and browsed the posts here. I wonder if I should have some matcha and try sleep in the spare bed- a present he bought me in 2012 so I could have a private place to convalesce- or if I should enter the master bedroom and sleep with him. He prefers I sleep with him, but he's a light sleeper and will undoubtedly awaken if I go in there, and then he'll be made aware of just how late I've stayed awake... again. Gaining control of my insomnia has been an ongoing battle since I was 18, and it frustrates him when I don't sleep, or worse, when I sleep all day and miss out on being with him. I feel horribly guilty for that. I had been doing reasonably well, too, at least relatively speaking.
> 
> I can't stop worrying. I worry about our relationship, about my looks, about school... ugh. I wish my mind had an off button.
> 
> @MattMatt- he's actually 33. And generally extremely mature. But he thinks telling someone about the wasps would count as complaining, and, as he put it, what would the hapless park manager be able to do about it, climb up to the rafters and remove it himself? He, being British, thinks it's rude to acknowledge displeasure to strangers about anything...except the weather, for some reason.


Oh, good lord!

British stiff upper lip. "Mustn't grumble! It's quite alright. I expect my bruising will fade, presently and I hope my leg didn't damage your car too much" kind of nonsense.

It's a socially disabling condition. Take pity on him. He can't help it. 

At least he was able to marry well. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> At least he was able to marry well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How very kind of you to say. I hope he thinks so, too...


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

> A woman's intuition can be a powerful thing, but according to my husband, my parents, and my therapist, mine is broken and gives me constant false alarms.


Are your insecurities exclusively with your husband? Or is this something that troubles you in other areas of your life? Unfortunately female intuition is a myth and sometimes we have to listen to other people who love us, or being paid to be honest with us. 

It certainly doesn't sound like your H walks on eggshells around you, so I am suspecting that he doesn't get the social clues that the way he phrases things is upsetting. Is he socially clumsy with other people? Do you usually just quietly 'forgive' but remain hurt?

I don't think what he says is necessarily a reflection on how much he loves you. But you need to assert yourself and learn to say 'Oi! Don't speak to me like that!' and playfully throw a cushion at him to diffuse any tension. You should verbalise your feelings but at the same time not make a huge confrontation out of it. Because when we look at small things and take them very, very seriously we start to ruminate and blow them out of proportion.

He hasn't to tell you to shut up though. I would have gone over to complain anyway if my husband had spoken to me like that, walked back and blown him a kiss :x. If you want to complain, complain, you don't need his permission. In fact it would do him good to see you assertively exercise your autonomy.



> I can't stop worrying. I worry about our relationship, about my looks, about school... ugh. I wish my mind had an off button.


This, alongside insomnia, are symptoms of anxiety.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

@peacem- I do have a diagnosed anxiety disorder. And depression. He's not socially clumsy, I'd say, but he is shy and somewhat asocial in general.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> @peacem- I do have a diagnosed anxiety disorder. And depression. He's not socially clumsy, I'd say, but he is shy and somewhat asocial in general.


Anxiety, low self esteem and poor sleep can create a viscous circle.

People with low self esteem usually need a lot of external validation that they are lovable/likeable which those with healthy self esteem take for granted. 

For example; My MIL once criticized my red lipstick and said it made me look like a 'woman of the night'. My reaction to this was to feel hurt and then asked 10 people if they liked the colour of my lipstick, and even then wondered if they were just being nice. If I had healthy self-esteem I would have told MIL 'Sorry you don't like it, but that is exactly the look I am going for.'. I chose the lipstick, I thought it looked good when I applied it, that's good enough for me.

Now my anxiety has diminished considerably I have noticed I need very little external validation from those around me - particularly my H. If he is rude to me I pull him up on it, but I don't ruminate as to whether that is evidence of lack of love, though I think I used to. He is just being an oaf. But he still loves me. If my MIL is being mean to me I challenge it then forget it. 

Perhaps you could work on your self-esteem alongside your anxiety. Having internal validation is way more powerful than external and if you practice positive internal dialogue daily it will eventually stick and you may find your anxiety diminishes as self esteem rises and sleep gets easier.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> @peacem- I do have a diagnosed anxiety disorder. And depression. He's not socially clumsy, I'd say, but he is shy and somewhat asocial in general.


Or a typical Brit!

We can appear standoffish, but it's a dreaded cultural shyness.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, I think your anxiety is getting the best of you. If you just spent the whole day with him--- not much better sign in the world than that. Make love after?? Even better.

Get some rest and stop worrying. You're being overanxious. 
I have been similar lately. So I know how you feel. 

You'll feel better once you get some rest. You are over analyzing everything right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Your life and your husband sound pretty good to me.

Yes, he could be nicer about the way he talks to you sometimes; I wouldn't tell my wife to "shut up" in those words, but would put it more gently if it were necessary to tell her at all. But I don't see any reason to believe that he doesn't love you.

I think it is your insecurity talking, not a real problem.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I think you are correct in your self assessment. 

And his comment about your movie opinions should definitely NOT have had any impact on your emotions. By reacting negatively you sound like you are trying to control your H and make him keep his opinions to himself. That's not a very positive trait in a relationship.

He has his opinions and you have yours. When the differ it is not appropriate for you to attempt to resolve that by getting hurt and "keeping him in line".

That's codependency 101. And unfortunately exactly how my W responds at times. 

BTW he is also entitled to his own opinion as to the futility of telling the person about the wasp nest. And you are entitled to yours. IMO, you should have discussed it as you did, then told him you understand his point but disagree. Then you should have done what you wanted to do - inform them of the nest.

See? No need for drama or anxiety.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I think you are correct in your self assessment.
> 
> And his comment about your movie opinions should definitely NOT have had any impact on your emotions. By reacting negatively you sound like you are trying to control your H and make him keep his opinions to himself. That's not a very positive trait in a relationship.
> 
> ...


I would never react negatively to something he said as a way to control him or to make him keep his opinions to himself. I want him to tell me his opinions, even when they differ. I absolutely understand where he's coming from about needing to see the gritty side of life from time to time. I just took his remark about Cinderella, since it's my favorite movie, as a personal jab when he didn't mean it that way and was just using the first example that came to his head. As I predicted in my earlier post, I'm no longer hurt about it and I understand better that the comment didn't mean he didn't like Cinderella or my choice in movies in general. I was right that it was just anxiety, as that night I had a nightmare and woke up choking- a fairly clear marker.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I think you misunderstand what I wrote.

When I said you are controlling in your behavior I did mean it and I believe it is true. But I do understand it's something you don't want to do and don't recognize doing.

When you react to someone else and get hurt feelings, that is a reaction and not an independent thought or action. It is you taking something someone else says about their opinions, CHANGING it to be directed at you or about you, and then reacting. It is you absorbing what he does and reflecting back your reaction to it as though he is supposed to see it and respond to it. You said you thought it was "mean". That directly says you are filtering his comments and turning them back.

He probably was relating something to you on terms you understand. That was an extreme comparison - sharks are predators and interesting (as evidenced by shark week in the US among other things) and Disney movies are for little girls who like fairy tales. The world is full of sharks (figuratively and literally) and fairy tales are for fantasies. He's probably saying he'd like you to grow up a bit and see the world as it is and have a basis to share it with him (last part purely conjecture on my part but I believe probably not far from the truth).

I've got lots of girls and watch plenty of Disney BTW and my W really does like the fairy tale things. She hates the shows I watch after she falls asleep even though my girls sometimes enjoy them with me. But I've got nothing personally against a Disney fantasy every once in a while.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

@TheTruthHurts- I'll try my best to make this sound coherent, but I doubt I'll manage very well since social psychology isn't my strongest suit. You're right that I thought his comment was a jab at me and my choice in the media I view, and by extension, how I choose to view the world. I reacted accordingly- with surprise and hurt- because I was confused, as he normally encourages my childish whimsy, and if he were saying he no longer liked that in me, I WOULD be hurt and I WOULD hope that he would change his mind, because our relationship would have been damaged in a pretty big way. I dearly hope that's not manipulative, because I've come to depend on his support of certain aspects of me- my love for fantasy very much included. My childishness and his finding it cute is one way we bond as a couple. For example, he frequently watches the cute, relaxing, whimsical shows I like, and even bought me my own bed so I could have a private place to relax and decorate as I choose. I still sleep in the master bedroom with him, but his buying me the spare bed was an indirect way of telling me, "I respect and like your love of all things pink, frilly, and covered in stuffed animals, and I want you to have a space to do that to your heart's content." He frequently curls up in the Pink Bed (as we've termed it), showing me indirectly that he wants to be near me, childish whimsy and all. 

Though you're quite right that I should be equally eager to receive his more logical, worldly aspects with the same joy and admiration, which is why I stuck it out through the whole movie, even though it was very emotionally taxing to watch and made me lament humanity's cruelty.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Ok. I understand. 


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> @peacem- I do have a diagnosed anxiety disorder. And depression. He's not socially clumsy, I'd say, but he is shy and somewhat asocial in general.


I remember having the same thoughts you describe at a particularly low point in my life. What is your therapist saying? Are you on medication? Or a targeted anxiety therapy program? Time to be honest with them about how badly you've been feeling and figure out a new treatment. 

Feeling anxious, slighted and like something bad is going to happen (He isn't going to love you anymore) when there is absolutely no solid evidence that any of it is true or warranted is a hallmark sign that your brain chemistry needs tuning. Anxiety disorder is a brain chemistry disorder and faulty chemistry manufactures these feelings.

I often felt an impending sense of doom. I would be in hyper drive trying to find the reason why. I would be highly sensitive to things such as your described issues with your husband- things that would normally not bother me at all. A simple argument would turn into "proof that he doesn't love me anymore" and then I would convince myself THAT is what the sense of doom is! He's going to leave me! I had similar trains of thought on other fronts...terrified to lose my job, drive my car lest I crash it, etc. All of that noise in my brain felt real to me at the time. And it drove me crazy. To a breaking point. Medication has since helped me come down from outer space and be able to see clearly again.


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