# Is this normal thinking???



## Helpme1 (Apr 24, 2012)

When we got married I had a good job, house and car and very stable. Got married 2 years in, my wife quit her job against my wishes inorder to be home with our newborn son. Now we had built a life around 2 incomes. For years, I worked 6 days a week we struggled and were broke because she quit her job without us talking or planning. Now years later we have friends who the husband lost his job and got a terrific severance. She comments about how hard it must be for the wife to be the bread winner and not have a choice but to work hard. Can she hear what she is saying??? I commented , " Yea its tough being the bread winner and not having choices. I never heard that from you when you quit without giving me a choice". She has it justified that was ok since our son never had to be with a sitter and somehow its different. WTH!!!


----------



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

So you cannot afford brand new cars, that 5 bedroom house, boats, jet skis, vacations etc. GET OVER IT!!! Your son got the best care there is. HIS MOM!!!

I bet the couple she made a comment about have kids. Please correct me if I am wrong. If they did, her comment was more about how she feels sorry that the woman cannot be home with her kids/family and has to work 40+.

It was a backhanded way of saying thank you. You should be proud that you could provide her that chance. That is what real men do.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree it should have been a joint decision. But what this sounds like to me, now that you've gotten past that is you don't feel appreciated for your contribution. She can recognize the female friends' sacrifices but not yours.

I suggest you sit down and tell her that her words really stung because it IS hard having the responsibility for the family's financial security. And she put that all on you without discussing it and you'd just like her to see and appreciate all of your hard work.

On the flip side, I would also say you verbalize YOUR appreciation for (assuming this is the case) the clean house, laundry, cooking, errands and child care she contributes.

And finish by saying you'd like to always be partners in big life decisions whether it be about a job or a larger purchase or anything else, going forward.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Helpme1 said:


> When we got married I had a good job, house and car and very stable. Got married 2 years in, my wife quit her job against my wishes inorder to be home with our newborn son. Now we had built a life around 2 incomes. For years, I worked 6 days a week we struggled and were broke because she quit her job without us talking or planning. Now years later we have friends who the husband lost his job and got a terrific severance. She comments about how hard it must be for the wife to be the bread winner and not have a choice but to work hard. Can she hear what she is saying??? I commented , " Yea its tough being the bread winner and not having choices. I never heard that from you when you quit without giving me a choice". She has it justified that was ok since our son never had to be with a sitter and somehow its different. WTH!!!


Men are supposed to work their a$$es off and be the breadwinners. Women are supposed to sit home and take care of the kids and get everything they ever dreamed of. (just kidding)

No, really. I am the woman and the breadwinner and was in the same boat. I supported us for 7 years while my husband stayed home with our kid. It is tough and it isn't something that should be sneezed off. Just talk with your wife about it. I agree with others...maybe that was her way of recognizing the hard work it takes to support a family. You might just be bitter and resentful. Talk it out with her.


----------



## Helpme1 (Apr 24, 2012)

No clean house came with that deal. Just her spending time and money with her friends while I worked. As for underwaters comment, the couple in question have only one child at home who is in high school. I think EW hit it. Where was that appriciation for what I did?


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> So you cannot afford brand new cars, that 5 bedroom house, boats, jet skis, vacations etc. GET OVER IT!!! Your son got the best care there is. HIS MOM!!!
> 
> I bet the couple she made a comment about have kids. Please correct me if I am wrong. If they did, her comment was more about how she feels sorry that the woman cannot be home with her kids/family and has to work 40+.
> 
> It was a backhanded way of saying thank you. You should be proud that you could provide her that chance. That is what real men do.


It's great the child has Mom - WE made that sacrifice, too. But it was a JOINT DECISION. A spouse shouldn't quit a job without discussing how it impacts the whole family. His working 6 days a week effects the whole family, too. They could have come to the same conclusion and down-sized the lifestyle but it should have been at least discussed.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Helpme1 said:


> No clean house came with that deal. Just her spending time and money with her friends while I worked. As for underwaters comment, the couple in question have only one child at home who is in high school. I think EW hit it. Where was that appriciation for what I did?


You aren't going to get that unless you ask for it. If you have an emotional need for appreciation (we all do), then voice it. This doesn't have to be an argument. Just let her know you wished she recognized your sacrifice just like she did the female friends'.

And teenagers need supervision and take a lot of $, too!


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

HER time with the kid is special but gutting HIS time with the kid is okay? Really?

I recall a telling conversation I had with a female friend.

She was talking about her career and what she had planned for the future. 

I asked her what she'd do if that plan didn't pan out.

"Oh...I guess I'll get married."

WTF! Wish I had that option.

Yes, I know more women are becoming breadwinners. My best friend's wife was like that. But I always got an undercurrent of resentment from her that SHE had to work. My other best friend's wife resented being asked to work AT ALL. But God forbid she didn't get her nails done.

Sucks for you. Have that conversation with your wife.


----------



## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

It definitely should have been a joint decision. Ours was. But we also agreed she would go back to work after the kids were old enough. Unfortunately we didn't nail down the definition of "old enough". I agree with EW, but would add that you both now agree on when she should go back to work.


----------



## fianceofangler (Oct 7, 2012)

I am a nanny. I have come across these three situations,

1. mom and dad work
they hire help for the kids and end up with little time with them

2. dad works 
they hire help to raise kids and mother raises kids and finances are bad; limiting choices

3. dad works 
mom gets an assistant disguised as nanny and mom grows detached from child within house. Dad gets confused about detachment.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

After 9 years, my wife is now back working and she hates it... 3 years ago, she wanted a home in a better neighborhood and promised to get a job after we bought our home and was settled. 2 years ago she did find a great job with perfect hours and she quit after 2 weeks. I was soooo angry. The pressure was all on me with our increased lifestyle. 

She has a new job now and has been at it for two months now and wants to quit...I don't know what I will do if she quits without finding another job first.

I was happy whith where we were before. She wanted the house, new car, PTA stuff, coffee with friends...

She doesn't realize we are in debt now....way in debt and we need her income live without adding more debt. She better stay working!


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> After 9 years, my wife is now back working and she hates it... 3 years ago, she wanted a home in a better neighborhood and promised to get a job after we bought our home and was settled. 2 years ago she did find a great job with perfect hours and she quit after 2 weeks. I was soooo angry. The pressure was all on me with our increased lifestyle.
> 
> She has a new job now and has been at it for two months now and wants to quit...I don't know what I will do if she quits without finding another job first.
> 
> ...


I had to go overseas to make enough for my family.

She didn't like that. She preferred bankrupcy.

I didn't. It sucks but sacrifices need to be made. Now she is feeling some of them.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

If she doesn't realize you are in debt then you need to discuss finances with her. No one should be oblivious to the financial status of a family.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

This is an interesting discussion. I know for a fact that my husband feels the same as you, Helpme. I quit my job (with notice, and his approval) before our daughter was born because I was having health problems both related and unrelated to my pregnancy.

My husband makes $5.75 an hour. He runs a tight ship, and I know that keeping up with things is very stressful for him... But you know what happened when I would kiss him goodbye for work in the mornings and say, "I appreciate you working so hard to take care of us"?? He'd scoff at me, roll his eyes and say, "It's not like I have a choice".

That kind of remark made me feel awful, both because I wasn't working and because he was so stressed out. It made me not want to say anything like that anymore because his responses hurt me deeply.

I'm not saying you are like that, but sometimes resentful comments like that can shut down a person's appreciation for their spouse... At least their ability/desire to express it.

The tone of your post suggests to me that you, too, are resentful. (I could be wrong). Perhaps you are exuding this resentment and she's sensing it?

I CAN see how her comment hurt your feelings and left you feeling unappreciated by comparison... It was insensitive at the very least.

As you don't feel appreciated by her for your work, is it possible you are also not appreciating her for her work? I've only recently discovered how demanding a small baby is myself!! 

Whatever you feel, it's necessary to let her know and give her the chance to address it... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Helpme1 (Apr 24, 2012)

I guess I am over it. It just upset me that friend got the credit and it seemed like it was an entitlement for her when I did it..


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

That's totally understandable... But you need to let her know that. She may have taken you for granted and that's not right, either!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## fianceofangler (Oct 7, 2012)

I live well alone with the income of a nanny. After 8 years of this job in midwest, east coast, and Europe I can say it is very hard with good or bad finances. With money comes more responsibility. The problems get pretty big if a father is running an "empire" or if he is tight on money. Family is hard work no matter what.

Here is the difference I noticed...People at the top have a talent of hiding problems from peers and that is it. I have seen their depression, work, blame, guilt, and anxiety regarding family things because I lived there with them and kept strict confidentiality all whilst raising their children.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> If she doesn't realize you are in debt then you need to discuss finances with her. No one should be oblivious to the financial status of a family.


I've started to make a spending plan and she seems to want no part of it.

"we NEED what we need. Summer camps for our 9 year old, after school programs, b-day parties to go to....She never really looks at our account on-line on any regular basis. 

She is from a family that lived on credit and debt, so she is used to that mindset.

Just like the OP... I've worked 6 days a week and no matter what I earn, somehow WE find a way to spend it. I hope she sees the value in her working. Our daughter is old enough and she doesn't need mommy to wipe her butt anymore. She can be away from time to time .

I don't mind working 6 days a week as long as she can manage the money. I make great money. I don't know where it all goes.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Helpme1 said:


> I guess I am over it. It just upset me that friend got the credit and it seemed like it was an entitlement for her when I did it..


Well that's how it works...you bust your a$$ giving everything and the other person takes it totally for granted but yet sees it all in other relationships and doesn't equate it to their own. Thus resentment builds. 

You'll eventually find the "in" to blow your resentment wide open. Hopefully it won't fester too long in the meantime.


----------



## Desperate_Housewife (Oct 15, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> *I'm not saying you are like that, but sometimes resentful comments like that can shut down a person's appreciation for their spouse... At least their ability/desire to express it.
> 
> The tone of your post suggests to me that you, too, are resentful. (I could be wrong). Perhaps you are exuding this resentment and she's sensing it?*


:iagree:


----------



## StoneAngel (Oct 10, 2012)

Helpme1 said:


> When we got married I had a good job, house and car and very stable. Got married 2 years in, my wife quit her job against my wishes inorder to be home with our newborn son. Now we had built a life around 2 incomes. For years, I worked 6 days a week we struggled and were broke because she quit her job without us talking or planning. Now years later we have friends who the husband lost his job and got a terrific severance. She comments about how hard it must be for the wife to be the bread winner and not have a choice but to work hard. Can she hear what she is saying??? I commented , " Yea its tough being the bread winner and not having choices. I never heard that from you when you quit without giving me a choice". She has it justified that was ok since our son never had to be with a sitter and somehow its different. WTH!!!


More than your wife's comments it is apparent that you habour resentment for the decision your wife made all those yrs ago that directly impacted you.
I spent yrs with similar resentments (not knowing it). I have been fantastic at keeping the peace, doing what is neccesary etc. My husband and I don't really argue or fight. An outsider looking in would say our marriage is wrapped up in a beautiful bow of perfection.
I currently find myself in a situation which a number of big things have come up and the lack of control has opened up my flood gate of resentment. The turmoil keeps being batted around because that resentment has no place with our present circumstance, but it is nevertheless how I feel. For years I dismissed it (I let myself down) and now that those things are out there I am being far to proud to let someone else dismiss it. (I won't let myself down again).
My H and I have alot of walls to climb over. Ones I didn't realize I was placing in our way.
Pls do yourself a favour. This circumstance has presented itself, it is current and revelovant. Use this as an opportunity to express the feelings that you have in regards to your wife's decision (even if it was years ago), Let her know that it hurt then and it hurts now and use this situation as a way to negotiate a way forward....ie) it is time for her to go back to work. Part-time full-time etc...something that works for both of you and more importantly release the resentment. Don't be like me.


----------



## Helpme1 (Apr 24, 2012)

She is back to work and this was in the past, I thought until that comment was made. It just made me think wow, she doesnt get it.


----------



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> It's great the child has Mom - WE made that sacrifice, too. But it was a JOINT DECISION. A spouse shouldn't quit a job without discussing how it impacts the whole family. His working 6 days a week effects the whole family, too. They could have come to the same conclusion and down-sized the lifestyle but it should have been at least discussed.


While I absolutely agree that it should have been a joint decision...it wasn't. He has had plenty of time to speak with and leave if he was that upset. He hasn't. He harbors animosity towards his wife. If that animosity was simply about not being consulted on the decision for his wife to stay home, then I could understand. But he is complaining about not having the extra income. 

Can I ask a simple question....What would your response have been had she asked to be a stay at home mom?


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> I've started to make a spending plan and she seems to want no part of it.
> 
> "we NEED what we need. Summer camps for our 9 year old, after school programs, b-day parties to go to....She never really looks at our account on-line on any regular basis.
> 
> ...


She obviously has a different sense of NEED than I do. Then again when I separated w/ a 4y/o I was earning 32K which seems like plenty but add a $400 car payment, $850 in rent... Need means groceries, bills paid on time and new clothes and shoes when the kid grows out of them.

I'm glad those days are behind me but I don't feel comfortable living on the edge.


----------



## Helpme1 (Apr 24, 2012)

Underwater doesnt seem to understand how loans and commitments work. If you buy something and have a loan on it, house, car, anything. If your income falls significantly, regardless of the reason, the bank still expects payment. They dont care who is caring for your child or how your household dynamic changed. They want paid! You may not realize it but if you buy a car today, you wont be able to sell it tommorow for the same amount to get out from under it because your spouse quit. EW hit the nail on the head. Things add up and life gets expensive.


----------



## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

SO much unfulfilled emotions in marriages.


----------

