# Having a rough weekend, and just snow balling through out the week NEWBIE



## Kpeters (Dec 10, 2013)

I am new to these forums, so I apologize if my writing is hard to understand. My husband and I have been having issues steming from the fact he is completely cut off emotionally to me, and in turn I really have no want for a physical relationship. We have two kids though, and we generally don't fight about it anymore. 
My husband and I have been only married 2 years, together for 7, and have two kids (5 and 3) It was a pretty quick relationship, but it was really good for a while. Until about the last year. 
This Friday I went out with my new work friends (mostly male, and I think most are married) It was just a good time, and I met up with a friend of mine and my husbands, my best girl friend. I texted him that since I was 40 minutes away from home, if he minded if I crashed at her place because I could really use the girl time, and it's been icy. 
That night I talked long and hard with my friend about all the issues my husband and I were having, and the fact I was thinking of starting the way to separation. She even talked me out of it, and just let him know all the issues I have been having.
I talked and wrote him a letter with the stuff I couldn't say, since we never can talk, the next evening. He was so understanding, and told me to take as much time as I needed. I moved into my daughter's room, because he has a real issue with understanding why I am not wanting a physical relationship when I don't feel emotionally okay. 
The next day he was so supportive, helpful, and basically I think wanted to show me we can work it out. He even asked if he could still tell me he loved me, and of course I told him yes, I didn't want him to stop, I just wanted to work things out with out being pressured to be physical, or go back to our old ways. . 
Today was a day of ups and downs. When I went to work he started sending me texts about how he totally understands, and loves me, and knows I am finding new friends at work. He was sorry for not giving me any time, or praise for getting a job after 5 years, and if for some reason I found happiness somewhere else he understands. I responded about an hour later because I was getting the kids packed up and me ready, about how awesome he was being, how I loved him, and thanked him for working with me on this. I really had hope. 
Then I came home to a frustrated, annoyed, and snippy husband. I couldn't understand what was going on!
I finally got it out of him that his ex (300 miles away thank goodness) and him talked about our situation, and the only logical reasoning was I met up with someone on my night out, probably slept with him, and came up with some BS to cover. SERIOUSLY!! I guess they were talking all day, and he was mad. He even said I was probably just freaking out because of how quickly we went from dating to babies, and living together. I freaked out about that 5 years ago, realized I loved him, my daughter, and calmed my roll! 
This is the problem. Instead of approaching me, in a blunt way, he went off and got everything so twisted. I am beyond mad. I dont even know how to be nice right now, even though everyone says to think before you speak when your marriage is in trouble. 
Anyone with advise? I dont even know what to do right now.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Seeking counsel from his ex after playing nice guy seems very passive aggressive to me. Is this a typical pattern in how your spouse deals with conflict?

You have a right to whatever you are feeling. Remember, no storm in nature lasts forever. Whatever the outcome, you and your spouse will both be ok.

If this is an emotionally volatile situation, I'd recommend you journal more about your feelings and wait to discuss them with a licensed marriage and/or individual counselor. Sometimes whatever you say is just throwing fuel onto the fire. 

Right now take a hot shower, a nap, make a cup of tea, whatever relaxes you and makes you feel good. All will be sorted out, just not immediately.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

MC.... ASAP. 
Establish that his ex is clearly not a friend of the marriage. 
And start talking (in MC). It's time.


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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

I'd be fuming too if I felt my H was emotionally cut off from me but able to open up to an ex about the problems we were having. 

Have to agree with 'questar1' on this one - MC for sure. 
When relationships have their downs - some people are only too willing to be tweeting in your ears, some can be supportive and others can be down right destructive, depending on their own history. (listening to the wrong sort of 'advice' is often the quickest way to a very nasty and bitter breakup).

His ex painted a pretty wicked picture of what she thinks you were up to and unfortunately all the ingredients were there if you did want to mess around (night out with new male colleagues, not coming home etc) 
But your husband should have had more faith in you. The fact he didn't just shows how lost he's feeling too in all this.

Show this ex the door pronto! Let your H know that you are still each other's best friend and life partner - and that you have to start talking to one another with 100% honesty.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Kpeters: First, I'd say that you certainly have a right to be displeased with the situation because him speaking to another female (let alone an EX!) about your relationship struggles is absolutely wrong.

With that said, I offer two additional considerations:

1. First, the fact that you didn't mention that him speaking to her is unusual or "first time in years" or something like that makes me think that he is normally allowed to speak with her. If that is true, then you should have long ago set the rules for his contact with her. Ideally, he doesn't need to speak with her at all (unless maybe he has a child with her?) and certainly not as a go-to friend of his. So if you've allowed them to have a friendship of some kind all this time, then the only line he crossed was in discussing your relationship issues. But you should try to shut down that whole friendship completely anyway.

2. This one is bigger. Frankly, I think if I were your husband's friend and he came to me to tell me what was going on (and honestly, it is OK for a man to have one or two at most trusted male friends with which to discuss his relationship struggles) then I probably would have drawn a very similar conclusion that his ex did. Read that out loud to yourself and tell me if you wouldn't wonder the same thing? "My wife went out for drinks with all her male co-workers and stayed out late. Eventually she texted me saying that she wanted to just crash with a female friend who happened to show up at some point in the evening. The next day she came home acting very differently and then presented me with a long list of problems and concerns she had with me and the marriage, along with expectations for what needed to change."

Seriously my very first thought would be that she is seeing someone else, decided to hook up with one of the male co-workers, is at least having an EA with another guy, and the dramatic emotional change and letter came about as the result of this relationship/engagement. So for the record, I can't blame him at all for being worried about your story and doubting it. I'm not saying that I don't believe you of course, but the whole story would feel very suspicious if one of my guy friends shared it with me about his wife.


So it sounds like you and he need to have a talk about what is appropriate conversation amongst "friends" and whether or not that should include his ex. In my view, it doesn't matter if she is a good person, a good friend, if there is absolutely no risk of infidelity, etc., they just shouldn't be friends because of their past. Next, I would suggest that you try not to be too hard on him because I know I couldn't blame him a bit for worrying that there might be more to the story than what you have shared with him. Honestly, I can't imagine he didn't already have those doubts all by himself before speaking with the ex.

To Willowfin: Generally speaking, you should have more faith in your spouse than to allow a simple suggestion of possible infidelity form someone who doesn't know anything to turn into accusations, yes that is true. But when you spouse has outright told you that the marriage is on the rocks, that divorce is now being considered, and that it comes about right after a night out with opposite sex co-workers that included staying out overnight, I could understand how that faith could be weakened just a bit. I think it's ok to have concerns at that point.


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