# Getting ready for my wife to go on deployment im nervous if she'll start old habits .



## EMTnavyHusband (Oct 19, 2010)

SO heres my story..My wife and I are newly weds. Im an EMT and Shes in the Navy. Before we were together she was having an affair with a married man ten years her senior. Who had three kids. He would tell her that he would someday leave his wife for her. 
We met fell in love and when she told me her situation I told her that I wanted to be with her and that we could have the relationship that she would never have with him. So she broke it off with him and we were together. 
We dated and eventually moved in together. While living together she was still a student and I worked full time to support us. I even put my own education on hold so she could accomplish her goal of becoming an officer after college. 
Things seemed perfect until I noticed her texting somebody all the time. It was an unsaved number on her phone so i never knew who it was. When i would ask who she was talking to she would say her friend from school. One night i had a real day off and she had no homework so i was looking forward to a night together with no worries. She kept texting this time to excess in my eyes. texts back n forth with hardley any time between I got irritated and asked what they were talking about and she said my friend's son is really sick and he needs me right now. I told her to let him deal with it and to let his wife take care of him. That night after we went to bed I checked her email and discovered the truth it was the married guy from the navy...
3 months after being together she got an email from him saying heres an email so we can talk to each other. As i read email after email i realized she has been keeping in touch with him for almost our entire relationship the worst part was discovering email talking about how i finally fell asleep and now they could talk. Or how she would go to him for advice about marriage. The nail in the coffin for me was discovering that they had met up at 5am only a few nights prior. I went to bed that night and as i got ready in the morning i said whats your friends name? She kind of stuttered and i finally said its Craig isnt it? She admitted it and I stormed out of the house crushed..I had to go home from work because i was in no shape to be saving people that day. I felt like i was just a side relationship through the whole thing. I sent him an email telling him to stay away and had her write him a goodbye letter and she swore to never speak to him again... 
A few months before that she had also told me she was going to visit her mom one weekend when i had to work and couldnt go with her. When i called her that night to see what she and her mom were doing i heard loud music in the backround and asked where she was she said simply oh i ran into an old friend at the store and they invited me to go out with them...Truth was she had gone to another ex boyfriends house..they had dinner, went to a bar and had a date as far as i was concerned because she lied to me and it seemed like it was all planned in advance. 
We confronted these problems and decided to work through it..months later i decided i still loved her and asked her to marry me. We got married and have moved from cali to virgina to leave behind all the temptations of former relationships. I left my whole life behind and her first deployment is coming up...
I've had no doubts about her commitment since those incidents but with this deployment coming up im worried that she will meet someone on the ship and cheat again...She had said she did what she did because she was scared with our relationship because it was going so well. Im very worried about how to handle life when she's gone and Im more worried that im going to be the one who cheats to kind of get back at her for what she did when i trusted her so much back then...the original incident with the navy guy lasted almost a year. The ex boyfriend was a one time incident that was busted when he called late one night and i answered the phone he tried to think of a fake name when i asked who it was. I told him not to call her anymore and we fought over the phone for a while. He was asking what gave me the right to not let him talk to her. I simply said because i support her and you dont. She also said she saw him to get closure that she wanted to commit to a life with me...I dont know...Its been 10 months since all that nonsense and we are happy but the idea of her being away and not coming home for so long makes me wonder what else she could lie about while at sea. 

Please help....any advice would be greatly appreciated...


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## EMTnavyHusband (Oct 19, 2010)

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with being apart from your spouse due to military deployment. I just want my marriage to be able to get through this. I dont want to ruin my marriage over something that MIGHT happen. 

Any military guys or even women out there?


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## misspuppy (Sep 19, 2010)

well i am not married to a military man ( wish i was tho), i was raised in a military family so here is my take on it.

but i do know that being a military wife/husband is very tough. You have to be strong in ALL aspects and trust is a very big issue, i know it seems like all she will be thinking about while on deployment is cheating! but, let me tell you something about a Military family is all about!

The last thing a spouse thinks about while defending our country is cheating, ( it happens SOME times NOT all), they are there to do a job, protect the country they love, go thru hell on Earth to protect the ones they love ( and dont), they are there to serve the USA.. They think about their loved ones more than anything and miss being home with them. They are put thru alot of emotions ( hense forth PTSD), they devote their entire life ( or what they are given) to protecting us.. you would be surprised how much "alone" time they really get. the time they do get they are eating "trying" to sleep ( what little they get), giving commands, putting their lives in the line of fire... basically trying to survive so they come home ALIVE

When my father was stationed over seas ( before we came along) my mom felt alone and abandoned (rightfully so) so, of course all these thoughts went thru her head as well. "is he cheating on me?" did he find someone else?" those fears are normal and to be expected. She had to worry everyday about what was going on ( my dad was part of a secret service project that NO ONE knew about til decades later), and so, she had to keep her faith, stay busy and think of positive things..

IMHO, it is more important for her to worry more about protecting the USA than banging some OM while on deployment.

If you have the ability i would find a group within the Military that provides counseling for how to deal with loved ones deployed and how to handle what you are feeling. 

In the end, what you are feel is natural and normal, but, please whatever you do, try not to bring it up to her all the time, she is already under ALOT more stress than the average person, STAYING ALIVE! 


good luck and if you need to talk i am here. i can try to help you get thru some things.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You guys will have to communicate constantly. Your telltale sign that she is cheating will be that communication will start to decrease. Don't buy into the "I'm on a a ship and I'm very busy" That would be BS. I was in the navy and there is plenty of free time even if she is standing port and starboard watches. And I was in back in the seventies when there wasn't internet and skype. You will have to be bold and have her agree to answering a question at the end of every discussion. And that is "have you in any way disrespected me, yourself or our marriage with anyone?" If she can't answer that question by looking you in the eye, you will know something is up. This will be extremely difficult for both of you because she is a serial cheater.


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## EMTnavyHusband (Oct 19, 2010)

Thank you for the response. 
I know she thinks about me alot shes underway right now for a few weeks and im gettin used to her being away. But shes always going on food runs and hanging out with one person in particular right now and its been bugging me. When shes in port instead of calling me to meet up for lunch i get a call after lunch is over and she tells me that she HAD to go on a food run. Its always the same guy though. They are in the same duty section though but still i wonder why it always has to be him, granted i understang the navy is primarily men..... I just feel left out. I have no friends and no family out here. With the move im unemployed at the moment. And shes a very beautiful girl. I know alot of men look at her a certain way and i just hope she has the strength to not give in to temptaion while gone for 6 months. 
There was an incident where she went underway to florida. And we were on the phone and she said she was going out drinkin with other officers after work. Which was fine until i didnt hear from her for 6 hrs. When it was supposed to be a quick drink. We talked that night and even tried to be intimate on the phone. We had just got our first apt. The next morning I heard a guy in the backround and asked who was at kelly's house(the officer she was supposed to be staying with while in port for the week) She said oh its russell...A guy she dated in highschool that lived in FL she didnt tell me that she had a few drinks and that he drove 2 hrs to pick her up and take her back to his house. She said that he let her sleep in his bed but nothing happened..I felt betrayed that she would sleep in someones house she dated before...I told her i thought it was innapropriate especially because she had mentioned none of it the night before. She said that she made him take her back to the ship but ill never know if he really did or if they just stayed at his house...when things like this happen and she feels theres nothing wrong with it at all thats what makes me nervous about her being in ports over seas for 6 months. Is she going to drink and do something then blame it on the alcohol again. (her excuse in FL, I drank alot and he came and picked me up..my question why did he pick u up if you had drank so much you fell asleep as soon as he picked you up which was why she did not call me for 6 hrs)
Im only 23 and she 22 i want to have a life and children with this woman but so many things have happened like this...I dont know how to cope


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## EMTnavyHusband (Oct 19, 2010)

Her first response in the morning when i said what the **** are you doing waking up in some guys house? she said oh i though i told you yesterday?


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

Unfortunately her past doesn't bode well for your relationship, as well as her actions now. I am former military, and watched too many relationships crumble simply because of the distance. However, take the military out of the picture (and the obscene amount of male-presence in her life). When I was deployed my wife (gf at the time) mentioned that a guy drove 2hrs to come pick her up for a party. We aren't stupid... We know damn well why he want's to come pick you up. A married women shouldn't be putting herself in these situations, let alone letting him come from hours away to do so. Even if she is telling the 100% truth, she still made you question it, which is something she should be sensitive to. 

You definitely have to start working towards a solution on this one, especially if she is going career. Her past, her actions now, are not wife material. On the flip-side, if your exact words were "What the #)*$..." even though you are 100% validated in thinking those things, you've got to learn to calm the tone of communication while distance is in the picture. The distance is just going to make things much worse. Init is also 100% correct... Phones are readily available for *most* deployed troops now. The deployed spouse may claim to be super busy, but making time to phone / email home is extremely easy. I know, because I pulled the same line out on my wife a few times when I needed to focus elsewhere.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

she cannot be trusted ... too risky marrying her.
but you need evidence to confront her.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

This just reeks of false stories and red flags. I know you don't believe her when she tells you these things. Maybe you should stand up to her and just tell her straight up how things have to be. She lost your trust, remember. She needs to be proving to you that she wants to be with you and get that trust back. Everything I've read points the exact opposite of that. I really don't see this ending well for you and I hope I'm wrong.
If she said she was unfaithful because things were going too well, then what should you expect if things are bad?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think it would really do you guys some good to talk about the difference between Comraderie and the Boundaries. You can have comraderie while still having personal boundaries. It can also be hard not to talk about your marriage/spouse when you are deployed. This is something she should work on. If she is standing around and they are all talking about spouses, she should know that the only things she should say about you are positive things. She should know that she can't be anyone's counselor for their marriage, and she should know where the line is between friend and getting out of hand. Sit down together and learn these boundaries togeether. 

I can't guarentee you that she won't cheat, but if you can at least relay your expectations, it could really help in the end. My H cheated while he was off in a military school. And now we have had the boundary talk a hundred times. Because obviously he didn't know the boundaries then, so I make damn sure he knows them now. And even crossing those boundaries can result in losing me, and he is well aware of that fact also. Luckily for me I know a lot of people in his unit ( I am prior service) and I know word will get back to me QUICKLY lol.

Best of luck, and I would ask her to see a chaplain with you before she goes if you think it would help!


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