# Need advice - Parents advice especially appreciated



## Brinkle13 (Apr 13, 2017)

Hi all, 

I am a 33M and I have been divorced now for about 5 years. The hardest part of the divorce that I have settled on is not having as much time as I would like with my five year old daughter. I basically have her every other weekend and have a visitation once a week for two hours (excluding summer weeks/Christmas break). The limited time with my daughter sucks big time but my daughter's mom is unwilling (at least now) to give additional time. I used to see her three times a week but she has went bat-sh$t crazy with her new husband and has reduced time a ton (long story).

About 3 years ago I moved about 50 miles away from daughter based on a few things: 
- Better job opportunity that provided more flexibility, stability, and financial income for myself and daughter.
- Met my current fiance and it seemed we could be a good family unit.
- My daughter's mom unwilling to give me more time even if I lived in same city. 

I feel that no matter what I do I can't change my time with my daughter. I am currently going through a parenting time change with the courts but my lawyer feels that I will still end with current arrangement due to court's favoring moms over dads.

I constantly have a longing to see/spend time with my daughter even though I am realizing its something I can't change right now. Maybe when she grows up she can voice more of her opinion. 

Because this feeling won't go away, I am wondering if I should deal with it and stay put in my current city or move back to the same city where my daughter lives?? Looking for advice here.


Couple last points so you can understand my dilemma: 
- I will have to break up with my fiance. She has an older child from previous relationship and can't move. Logistically it wouldn't work with us which sucks!
- If I move back, the time with my daughter may definitely not change and may feel worse being closer and having to start over. I would physically be closer to my daughter but with not having more time it wouldn't really matter.
- My mom got divorced when I was young and I HATED seeing her alone growing up. That is one of the motivating forces with staying where I am at. 
- I feel like I am moving back for a shot in the dark of more time with my daughter. It would mean everything if I had that but it's a slim chance. Maybe when she was a tween and voiced her opinion of wanting to see me more or her mother growing up.

So would you suggest moving back? Should I stay put and continue to build my life? Does the longing for your child get easier?

Any help is *GREATLY *appreciated as this has been a dilemma for years now.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Where do you live? 


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I don't have any real advice. All I can tell you is that after my parents divorced, my mother moved 100 miles away. I was very young. My sister and I visited my father every other weekend, just like your arrangement. We loved him and he loved us, every moment of every day. We both had a good relationship with him until the day he died, despite the limited contact. When I became a parent, I realized how heartbreaking the whole thing must have been for him. I can't help your longing for your daughter and I don't have any advice on how to see her more frequently. But I believe she will love you as a daughter should love a father, despite the limited contact you might have with her. 

As she gets older, she'll have more freedom about how to spend her time. Try to keep a good relationship with her mother. In the future, you'll be able to take her on vacations, or have her for extended periods when your ex and her husband want to take a parents-only trip. Make the most out of your weekends with her so that she longs for you as much as you long for her. Good luck to you. It's too bad there aren't more fathers like you.


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## Brinkle13 (Apr 13, 2017)

I live in Michigan


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Well I know In ohio you have zero chance of more time that far away. You'd have to live in the school district 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you wait to see the outcome of your request for more time with her?

How easy is it for you to move job-wise? Do you have to find a new job where your daughter lives?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

All parenting plans are modifiable, but you really have to listen to your lawyer on this one to understand what is realistic in your state. There are a couple ways to get what you want if your lawyer thinks the court won't change the parenting time. The best way is to just try to work it out with your XW and see if you can convince her. The second is to keep taking her to court to fight her, knowing you probably won't win. The point of the latter option isn't to win but it's to cost her a lot of time and money fighting you, to hopefully reach the point that she just decides that the battles aren't worth it. That only works if you have more time and money than she does, and it will cause a lot of animosity. How deep are your pockets and are you willing to spend your money that way?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I feel you. I am 5 yrs divorced with a daughter that just turned 9. I have a similar schedule, but slightly more time. I live about 8 mi from her mom, I have 1st 3rd and 5th (if there is one) weekends of the month, she stays with me overnight every Thursday (even through the summer), and I have her for an extra month in the summer. It still breaks my heart, and there is nothing I can realistically do to get a more equitable deal in my State, either. 

You just have to accept it, and make the best of the time you do have with her. One positive is the time I do have with her is almost all funsies and focusing on her. I'd probably be a little less fun to be around if I had to deal with the majority of school nights / mornings. My daughter has started expressing her desire to spend more time with me in the last year or two, and the ex acquiesces here and there, and more often as time goes on. I have a pretty good relationship with her mom, which helps. Don't put two lawyers' kids through college. 

Your daughter will love you and feel close to you regardless. If you lived more local, could you at least get more than a 2 hr visit on the weekday? Can you find a job easily? The fiance can be replaced if she's unwilling to move.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Well here is my advice for what it is worth, 

You probably lost chance at 50/50 custody when you moved. Here it doesn't matter if you're mom/dad if you move you lose custody.

Moving back may actually help.

I think you should do that and try and get more time with her. You need her and she needs you. She will only be young once, plenty of time for romantic relationships later.

Just my 2 cents


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

If you daughter is your priority, and it sounds like she is, then make her well-being your priority. 

Here, distance from child justifies less visitation, unless an agreement says otherwise, and even then the court may say excessive travel is not in the child's best interest. So proximity means access.

Push to get a right of first-refusal, meaning you get extra-time for any unexpected change in Mom's child-care arrangements before the child is given to a babysitter. You can't plan for it, but time is time.

Being close, even if not being able to see your child will mean something to your daughter. My two cents.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Proximity is the name of the game when you are trying to gain more time with your children. A move back to the same city, preferably the same school district, would give you a leg up.

In all honesty, you are fighting an uphill battle since you did not secure 50/50 at the onset. But it can be done. Move back to be close to your daughter. Leave little hints to your ex that she is welcome to drop your daughter off anytime if she needs a break or has to run out. Go to your daughters school and volunteer if you can, at the very least have lunch with her on a regular basis. Take your daughter to doctor visits. Be as involved as you can with your daughter and document all of those times. You have to build a case for the court that it is in your daughters best interest to spend more time with you. 

Living so far away, you will never get more time. Move closer and document, document, document. Show that you are an involved a parent as you can be.  It is very disheartening when I hear of cases where one parent wants to play keep-away with the kids and use them as pawns. Kids need both parents in their lives.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

50 miles? That's nothing worth breaking up over I commute 50 miles each way to work 5 days a week. That's 500 miles a week just to work and back. I LOVE IT. It's ME time and I love listening to sports radio or just thinking about life with the radio off. Get a gas sipper and it's just time your wasting.

If I was you, I'd split the difference. Move somewhere 25 miles between where your daughter lives and where your fiancee lives. It's the best compromise. I have my kids 40% of the time and will bump up to 50/50 next year when youngest hits kindergarten. I feel your pain buddy.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I can offer you some insight from both sides. My advice to you is to stop wasting money on attorneys, make the most of your time with your daughter and move on with your life. The court in all likelihood won't give you more time if you move back. Do you think they are going to go with shared custody when you are single man whereas your ex is now married? Unless there is some abuse going on involving her new H, that is very unlikely to happen. Your attorney is right, you will probably end up with the same schedule, with the only thing to show for it being a large attorney bill, the money for which could have been used to splurge on your daughter. 
I know it sucks, and you miss her. But you also need to stop being selfish. She can and will benefit from stability and she can benefit even more from the 100% attention you can give her when you do see her. Even she were to end up being passed back and forth between you and your ex, it probably would not be in her best interests.
One other thing to keep in mind, is that your daughter is going to grow up. Along with growing up, is having friends, becoming involved in different activities and gaining independence from both you and your ex. Before you uproot your life, you need to consider that your daughter, will in all likelihood make your efforts moot with her own needs. You will still only see her a limited amount of time.
Finally, I think you need to consider the limited time for your daughter as special time, having more of it won't make it more special, it will make it less special because it will be diluted. Stop fighting about something that in the end probably isn't going to change or matter all that much. Your daughter will know the effort you make and appreciate it more that you have your own life and include her in it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

My advice is to make those visits AWESOME.

Do things together that knock your daughters knee-socks off. 

Be pleasant, concentrate on her, what she has to say. Ask her what she wants to do, the "next" weekend together.

In the summer months, I would do long bike rides together on one of the days. Stopping for ice cream, wading in streams, getting wet and acting silly.

This is the time for silly stuff. Later, you will need to be more creative...much more creative!


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