# Porn... and your partner?



## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Am just curious to know: what is your relationship between pornography and your partner?

* Does s/he know you view it?
* Does s/he mistrust you with it?
* Do you'll both watch it together?
* Does s/he see it as a rival to her/him?
* Do you use it openly or in hiding?

I'm grateful that my partner is quite trusting in allowing me to watch porn. We have mismatched sex drives (most couples do, I'd guess!) and sometimes I just need it to get off.

Also, contrary to some who see porn as the cause of a mismatched sex drive, I see it as otherwise. It's the effect. I'd love to have sex with my partner, but am forced to make do with porn when I can't get it. Which can be often!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I have an addiction, though lately I think I have it beat, but we don't allow it as part of our marriage.

I have hidden it before but always fessed up.

Our sex has increased in frequency and quality since I have totally stopped.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I’ll give it a go here from the perspective of a wife whose husband turned to porn exclusively.

We’d had a very good sex life the first 5 years of our marriage. We are both HD and sex daily was the norm. And then he ended our sex life, preferring porn.

* Does s/he know you view it? 
* Does s/he mistrust you with it?

I knew that he viewed it and had no problem with it while we had a good sex life. After we had no sex life I was not ok with it. Why would I be?

* Do you'll both watch it together?

No, I suggested this but he said he was not interested in that.

* Does s/he see it as a rival to her/him?

Once he stopped having sex, it was a rival. 

* Do you use it openly or in hiding? 

I knew of some of his porn use. But it turns out that he was hiding the extent to which he used it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

brownmale said:


> Am just curious to know: what is your relationship between pornography and your partner?
> 
> * Does s/he know you view it? *Yes*
> * Does s/he mistrust you with it? *No*
> ...


So long as the porn doesn't tank your sex life it's all good.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

brownmale said:


> Am just curious to know: what is your relationship between pornography and your partner?
> 
> * Does s/he know you view it? Yes
> * Does s/he mistrust you with it? No
> ...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I find reading inappropriate things, using my imagination, and reverse engineering various household things to be WAY BETTER than porn. I also find it to be highly educational.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

** Does s/he know you view it?*
Yes he does

** Does s/he mistrust you with it?*
No he doesn't

** Do you'll both watch it together?*
Yes we do

** Does s/he see it as a rival to her/him?*
No

** Do you use it openly or in hiding?*
Openly

we have sex daily plus some, if that changed and he chose porn instead then that would be a huge problem.


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

brownmale said:


> * Does s/he know you view it?
> 'Yes'
> * Does s/he mistrust you with it?
> 'No'
> ...


Should be more open about it but for some reason that's not easy. Its hard to detach from something that's established from a relatively young age as something thats supposed to be secretive and concealed. I do find it much easier to be open about it when intimacy is high frequency and/or porn is on a low interest. And the reverse when these things are the other way around.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Fortunately, we also share our porn... Out of respect, I'd often choose 'porn for women' or 'couples porn' when watching with her. Both of these categories are quite sexy and also turn me on. Unlike male-oriented porn though, there's less bham-bham type action, and something more of a storyline and nudity involved. I enjoy the latter too.

Strangely enough, my partner gets quite horny after she watches a little porn. Usually she's protesting all the way when we start. In fact, she gets so involved, that if she cannot get off (which I usually make sure she does), she will be complaining all the way  

Life's like that!


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

* Does s/he know you view it?

She knows I have used it in the past. It was never about replacing her but filling a void. It really does not do anything for me any longer. I find it sad honestly. She began using it a few years back. She tries to hide if from me and says that it was a fleeting curiosity. It has damaged our sex life and my self esteem.

* Does s/he mistrust you with it?

I do not believe it is a trust issue but more of a character issue. I cannot tell you anything positive that has come from either of us using it.


* Do you'll both watch it together?

Nope. That would never happen and there is no interest on my part.

* Does s/he see it as a rival to her/him?

She never saw it as that but I do. The evidence it there. Her viewing porn has greatly diminished our sex life.

* Do you use it openly or in hiding?

We both hid it but we knew each other viewed it.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

My BF and I watch together, he and I watch alone. We both know about eachother's porn viewing and have zero problem with it.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Just a few comments since your post raises interesting issues: @PEACEM:

* It was no problem watching porn together with my partner, because (i) she knew I was watching it alone (ii) she was never judgemental about this, and perhaps accepted this as my response to her LD nature (iii) I had told her about my regular porn-watching as a bachelor, and also when the sex in the marriage was not as much as needed -- after a few years of marriage, post-child birth etc. 

* My only 'complaint' if at all I could call it that, is she is usually reluctant at the start, and slow to take it up. After awhile, she gets charged, starts turning the pictures (if we're watching photos, which can also be hot) and obviously searching for the ones that turn her on.

* Sex and masturbation, do these two always have to be separated? At least that's not the way it works for us. I'm often masturbating her (sometimes with toys) to climax. When she cums and I haven't, she will lend a hand. Literally. So I don't agree.

* The 'trick' here is that he would need to feel comfortable with your attitude to his watching porn. He needs to reassure you that a guy mostly watches porn without any attachment to the women involved, without any comparison with you, but just to get some quick relief. 

* The other 'trick' is for him to agree to watching some kind of 'averaged' porn that would interest both women and men. I don't have a big problem if I need to shift my tastes to less soft-core porn (which is what can turn on some, thought not all, women better). In fact I quite like a lot of nudity and story-lines (the kind of stuff that turns on women).



peacem said:


> Hi Elegirl, same story with me. As soon as I began to see it as a rival that I could not compete with, I begged to watch it with him in a hope that it would at least spice things up between us. It was absolutely no way - he wouldn't even contemplate it. He said his relationship with porn is very private and the thought of getting aroused to it with someone else repulsed him. I think that 'private' desire for porn that some men have is a sign of completely separating sex with a person from private masturbation - the two are so different and cannot be mixed. I think it may also be about underlying feelings of shame. I may be wrong but I think those who have been raised to be ashamed of their sexuality and sexual desires/fantasies are more likely to develop a problem later in life. So many men on here talk about the desire to watch porn with their partners - it seemed odd he was so against it.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

With wife #1 (fetishwife) I watched porn alone all the time, she didn't care about me watching porn, she was absolutely not missing sex and not jealous, and she was not interested in watching it herself or with me.

With wife #2 we watch porn together sometimes a lot sometimes not at all. Sometimes she initiates putting on a porn clip, sometimes I do.

The problem we have is that most porn "sucks" its not that well acted or exciting and can be a bore or even a turn off....unless its a really well done one.

She is most turned on by non-porn regular romantic or sexy movie hetero scenes, even just kissing scenes, however if aroused she will also suggest real porn before and during us having sex. 

Overall i dont watch porn hardly at all anymore alone like I did when I was married to #1.

(FYI, IMHO I do think porn does some very weird things to the human mind.... like making you want to watch your wife have sex with others (fantasy)..make you want certain types of sex that otherwise might not interest you etc.....I dont think I would have those feelings unless I had viewed porn, from that angle it may be unhealthy).








brownmale said:


> Am just curious to know: what is your relationship between pornography and your partner?
> 
> * Does s/he know you view it?
> * Does s/he mistrust you with it?
> ...


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Him refusing to watch it together with you sounds very unhealthy, rude, disrespectful, sad, and in my male mind that is a form of cheating....

Very isolating. Very hurtful. I feel for you.








peacem said:


> Hi Elegirl, same story with me. As soon as I began to see it as a rival that I could not compete with, I begged to watch it with him in a hope that it would at least spice things up between us. It was absolutely no way - he wouldn't even contemplate it. He said his relationship with porn is very private and the thought of getting aroused to it with someone else repulsed him. I think that 'private' desire for porn that some men have is a sign of completely separating sex with a person from private masturbation - the two are so different and cannot be mixed. I think it may also be about underlying feelings of shame. I may be wrong but I think those who have been raised to be ashamed of their sexuality and sexual desires/fantasies are more likely to develop a problem later in life. So many men on here talk about the desire to watch porn with their partners - it seemed odd he was so against it.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

brownmale said:


> Am just curious to know: what is your relationship between pornography and your partner?
> 
> * Does s/he know you view it?
> * Does s/he mistrust you with it?
> ...


Yes i view it he knows. Yes he knows i do.... And we also watch it together.

No mistrust here i trust him 100%.

Never see it as a rival nope.

Were open always have been always will be. I mean we do not watch it a lot, but we do watch it on occasion... No big deal really.

I also have a great sex life so my husband is not neglecting my needs in any way.

Its never been a problem for either of us.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

brownmale said:


> ....................
> 
> *Strangely enough, my partner gets quite horny after she watches a little porn. *Usually she's protesting all the way when we start. In fact, she gets so involved, that if she cannot get off (which I usually make sure she does), she will be complaining all the way
> 
> Life's like that!


Why do you find it strange? Have you had other relationships or sexual partners?

Women are visual just as men are, women enjoy (good) sex, watching porn etc. Women can get turned on just seeing a photo of a naked guy or talking about sex or thinking about the sex they had last night or will have tonight.

It is not strange that she gets turned on by porn, it is very normal.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

What I find strange is the way she protests at first, and then takes to it quite enthusiastically. In contrast, when it comes to me, going in for porn is rather, er, premeditated. I do it because I want it, and have no compunctions about it. Or, rather, I do it because my testosterone level wants it and I don't believe I can control it...

As for women being as sexual as men, my experience is:

* Women who don't have access to sex can be very horny
* This includes young women, unmarried women, divorcees
* Married women are usually bored with sex, except for the first 2-3 years
* In contrast, guys are always grumbling about the lack of sex.
* This is true for bachelors, marries, divorcees, all.

So the horniness is there, but it does play out in very different ways.

(I saw this unmarried woman once, who saw a statue of a criminal and started commenting on how sexy he looked. Stranged, I thought )

Correct me if you feel I'm wrong.



Holland said:


> Why do you find it strange? Have you had other relationships or sexual partners?
> 
> Women are visual just as men are, women enjoy (good) sex, watching porn etc. Women can get turned on just seeing a photo of a naked guy or talking about sex or thinking about the sex they had last night or will have tonight.
> 
> It is not strange that she gets turned on by porn, it is very normal.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

> As for women being as sexual as men, my experience is:
> 
> * Women who don't have access to sex can be very horny
> * This includes young women, unmarried women, divorcees
> ...


I'm not here to correct you if I feel you are wrong, simply want to get it out there that many men really don't understand female sexuality. That is not wrong, more a lack of knowledge, listening to what men think women want or a plain old lack of experience.

No two people are the same and gender does not make all of those within it behave or think the same way.

Your experience tells you that women lose sexual interest after 2-3 years, my experience shows the complete opposite. I will preface that with "women may get bored with boring sex" but I can say without a doubt that me and pretty much all the females in my life (that sex is discussed with) are very sexual. If anything I get to the 3 year mark and get even more sexual if it is with a man that I feel safe with and am having lots of good sex. I am a daily plus kind of woman, love good sex and I am late 40's, the desire/drive has not changed.

I was with a LD man in what became a sexless marriage on his part, I don't consider that all men are the same, my experience tell me otherwise.

Sexual drive is not gender specific.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brownmale said:


> What I find strange is the way she protests at first, and then takes to it quite enthusiastically.
> 
> In contrast, when it comes to me, going in for porn is rather, er, premeditated. I do it because I want it, and have no compunctions about it. Or, rather, I do it because my testosterone level wants it and I don't believe I can control it...


You used the word 'partner' not 'wife'. Are you talking about your wife, the one who does not want sex with you most of the time or all of the time?


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