# Husband yelled at my mom



## Upset1995 (Apr 2, 2016)

My husband came home from work in a good mood. We hung out awhile, made him dinner and talked. I asked him if he'd be willing to put up a couple hand rails on her deck. He said sure. About a half hour later he is all pissed saying all I ever do is talk to my family. That he will not have anything to do with my mom's deck and she can go fk herself. My mom didn't ask him to do this, I did. My mom didn't know anything about it. Meanwhile unbeknownst to me, he called her and yelled at her saying: fk your deck, fk your house!!and some other things. Then he turned it on me calling me a cnt saying all I do is talk to my family or visit them. My family lives 3 hours from my home and I visit about 5 to 6 times per year. We are very close, my husband is not close with his family. My mom is 66 and was bawling when I called her back. She didn't even know what was happening. At this point I'm bawling and I told him he crossed a line that he can't take back. I don't even know what to do now. I feel like kicking him out. Advice??!!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Do it. What kind of man treats his mil that way? You are better off alone.

So sorry, OP. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been married?

Do you have any children together?

Does he get this irritaged/angry very often? 

Do the two of you fight/argue often?

Or did this just come out of the blue and is it out of character for him?

Does he seem to not like your friends? Does he do things to try to drive people away from you?

How old are the two of you?

On the surface, I'd say he's crossed a line and you are better off without a man who treats you and others this way.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Ele is wise to ask questions to get a deeper understanding. I was more reactive. 

I do think a man who would treat an older woman with disrespect is cause for concern, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Yep, I'd kick him out. 

He has shown his true colours, and you can't unsee it. Now you know what sort of person he is and what he is capable of, he won't keep hiding it anymore imo. It'll only get worse.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There's got to be more to this...what is the history between your husband and mum? Is your mum an interfering mother in law? Do you discuss your marriage with your mum?

I agree, on the surface it looks very bad for your husband, but there's got to be more to this story...


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## drleo1 (Jan 22, 2016)

What he did is very wrong but talk about it with him, tell him how you feel about his behaviors toward you and your mum, hear what he has to say see if you can solve the issue and i think there is more to what you posted here


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Upset1995 said:


> I asked him if he'd be willing to put up a couple hand rails on her deck. He said sure. About a half hour later he is all pissed saying all I ever do is talk to my family. That he will not have anything to do with my mom's deck and she can go fk herself. !




Something is missing. What happened after he said "sure "? He went from sure to bring pissed for no reason?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

I wonder if @Upset1995 is going to be a a drive by poster?


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## Upset1995 (Apr 2, 2016)

I am 38, he is 50. I have 1 son whos 20 and on his own and he has two teens, one that lives with us full time the other half time. He has done this many times before, yelling at me that is, when he feels he's being slighted somehow. It always comes back to me not paying enough attention to him. That's always the core issue. We have sex twice a week on average and he has said he's good with that. I'm home everyday after work, I don't go out. Prior to his outburst we made dinner and listened to songs on the radio, singing along, talking about our day and laughing. It came out of nowhere. He was fine with putting up a couple railings, then hes not. Its as though he thought about it and decided he's not getting enough or what he wants. He always says he's lonely, but im home everday and we hang out just the two of us every night for at least an hour. I dont know what else i could do to make him satisfied. But to call my mother!! ??


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

What happened in that 30 minutes.

( not everyone enjoys singing along to the radio btw. my ex and her daughter used to do similar...not so much fun for me, who doesn't know the words or have time to spend with the radio, or my young son, who hasn't had "sing time with mum". really bugs me, because when we're all together they like to do that and it totally excludes the rest of us. there were many things I could be doning, or time spent with other people, and it was the only "mum time" my son actually got when his mother would pay attention to the children rather than her own stuff [as I found out later])

But if you don't know what happened in that 30 minutes to change things, then to me, it really does sound like you're not paying proper attention at the right times, and so really seem to just be "going through the motions" where you get what you want (your dinner, your sex, your "duties as good wife" sign off) ... but none of the actual 1 on 1 personal/emotional stuff. Something I'm finding more important as a male who is getting older (post-40. pre 40 I would just go and do something else, computer, mechanics, electronics, gaming, pub; but post 40 I want to do stuff, close stuff, with people I care about).


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Maybe some sort of personality disorder. Did something happen with one of his sons? 

Very strange behavior. I would ask him. 
Say why did you agree to fix the deck and then change your mind? I don't care if you changed your mind and don't want to do it but you really overreacted. Is something bothering you? Do you think calling my mom treating her rude swearing and then calling me names is how adults handle things. Then ask if he would go to counseling with you because your not spending the rest of your life with someone who treats your mom or yourself this way.

If he refuses you got 2 choices stay with an abusive man or get out 



.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

He needs his t level checked, I used to be more emotional(sad and angry) when mine was low. He should be around 1000ng/ml. I think you should bump up the physical intimacy some and make sure he gets blood work for complete hormone panel.....bet its off. Hormone issues can lead to bipolar like swings.

You said couple times a week.....your positive? My wife used to say we had sex just the other day....um...no it was 6 days ago. I was not priority so she did not realize it had been longer than she thought......I started keeping track of the day so when she would say we just did on Wed didn't we?.....I could say no it was last Sunday.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

To me there's zero excuse to call your mother and yell at her like that. None at all. If he also yells at you, then he sounds abusive. I'd kick him out, OP.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I am not sure, but I have a feeling that this has nothing to do with deck rails. Sometimes people fly off the handle because of other things, like when they can't make things work, then get frustrated.

I also don't want to write it off as something petty, if he actually has real anger management problems. We all have really bad days sometimes. Is this a pattern?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Undiagnosed bipolar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Upset1995 (Apr 2, 2016)

He does take testosterone shots, however there are times it doesn't get in the muscle and instead pools right under the skin. This happened on our wedding day as well where the t pooled and also happened last time he got the shot, approx 1 week ago. He also flew off the handle on our wedding day. 8 months ago, but instead of my mother, he swore out his own mother. I def want to go to marriage counseling. Sex was brought up before and we def have it two times per week minimum. We were home alone last night, he played his favorite music. We slow danced a bit, sang along, acted silly. He went upstairs and literally 30 minutes later he flew into a blind rage. I was cleaning up the kitchen while he was upstairs. He stormed down the steps and yelled f your mom, her deck. He's mentioned before he's jealous of my relationship with my family because he's not close to his at all. I don't even talk to my family on the phone when he's around because he gets mad. I just can't get over the fact he called my mother, an old woman who lives alone and has nothing at 11 o'clock at night.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

His abusive behavior is not acceptable. The reason for it doesn't matter.

No way would I accept that behavior from a spouse, SO, family member, or my worst enemy.

Extricate yourself from this relationship. Life shouldn't be so crummy, you know?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Oh HELL no. Totally unacceptable! Why would you stay with this man???


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## Upset1995 (Apr 2, 2016)

Sometimes I ask myself that question. We've been together for 10 years total. Most days are good. But these blind rages are unacceptable. He just yells at me about the only things he knows will hurt me. It's like the whole purpose is to hurt me, not to talk anything through, just hurt me. If I'm hurting him I don't know it. We spend at least an hour together every night after work. Cuddling, kissing, talking about our day. We talk and communicate a lot. I feel I'm giving him the affection and admiration he desires. I just feel like it's never enough for him, I can never be good enough to make him happy. But I'm pretty much at the point where I don't care anymore. Ready to just give up.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm sure this really shook your Mother up and she's very worried about you.. has she also been aware of his *mood swings* ?

What else fits...

*>>* Abusive Men: Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man 


> *We have broken down the top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.*
> 
> *1.* *Jealousy & Possessiveness* – Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.
> 
> ...


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Have you ever given him any sort of consequences for this behavior? 

Or,

Has he learned, over the years, that he can get away with it because of lack of consequences.

Do his kids witness this nonsense?


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## Upset1995 (Apr 2, 2016)

My mother was very shaken up then turned angry. I spoke with her this morning and she said he needs help. The only common denominator between this rage episode and the last was his testosterone shot. Neither time it was injected into the muscle. I hate to make it sound like an excuse but all other days we are two peas in a pod. I want to believe they're linked but only time will tell. I told my husband that this last rage he had is the last one he will ever have with me. I told him I'm setting up counselor sessions and he was more than agreeable to go.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Upset1995 said:


> My mother was very shaken up then turned angry. I spoke with her this morning and she said he needs help. The only common denominator between this rage episode and the last was his testosterone shot. Neither time it was injected into the muscle. I hate to make it sound like an excuse but all other days we are two peas in a pod. I want to believe they're linked but only time will tell. I told my husband that this last rage he had is the last one he will ever have with me. I told him I'm setting up counselor sessions and he was more than agreeable to go.


Sounds to me like that last session was already one session too many, yet you're still there. I doubt he'd believe that threat because it sure sounds empty from here.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Upset1995 said:


> He does take testosterone shots, however there are times it doesn't get in the muscle and instead pools right under the skin. This happened on our wedding day as well where the t pooled and also happened last time he got the shot, approx 1 week ago. He also flew off the handle on our wedding day. 8 months ago, but instead of my mother, he swore out his own mother. I def want to go to marriage counseling. Sex was brought up before and we def have it two times per week minimum. We were home alone last night, he played his favorite music. We slow danced a bit, sang along, acted silly. He went upstairs and literally 30 minutes later he flew into a blind rage. I was cleaning up the kitchen while he was upstairs. He stormed down the steps and yelled f your mom, her deck. He's mentioned before he's jealous of my relationship with my family because he's not close to his at all. I don't even talk to my family on the phone when he's around because he gets mad. I just can't get over the fact he called my mother, an old woman who lives alone and has nothing at 11 o'clock at night.


Whoa, ok...thanks for the extra info. I should have been clearer in my first response too that it was absolutely unacceptable for him to call your mum like that, no matter what the background...I'm sorry for that.

I have the MIL from hell, seriously - when her feet hit the floor in the morning, the devil must be like...whoa...watch out...she's up. I just don't see or talk to her. I would NEVER yell at her or my FIL, or swear at them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I told my H 36 years ago that if he EVER - ever - called me a c**t, he would never see me again for the rest of his life.

And I meant it.

The fact that you accepted that and are still with him tells me everything. The fact that you allowed him to cuss your MOTHER (!) out and you did nothing about it tells me everything.

He is an abuser. You are an abuse victim.

Get therapy. For yourself. So you can leave him.

Or are you saying that the ONLY two times he has ever acted like that, in ten years, is when the shots went wrong?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Upset1995 said:


> My mother was very shaken up then turned angry. I spoke with her this morning and she said he needs help. The only common denominator between this rage episode and the last was his testosterone shot. Neither time it was injected into the muscle. I hate to make it sound like an excuse but all other days we are two peas in a pod. I want to believe they're linked but only time will tell. I told my husband that this last rage he had is the last one he will ever have with me. I told him I'm setting up counselor sessions and he was more than agreeable to go.


I would be a good idea to talk to your husband’s doctor about this. Who is giving him shots that end up in the wrong place? Why does he (and you). Sure this is bad medical care and something needs to be done about it.

Also ask the doc if the shots being under the skin instead of in the muscle can lead to him having very bad mood swings and out of control anger.

Did these outbursts start after he started to get T shots? Or has he does this for most of the 10 years that you’ve been with him?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

How could he not get the shot in the muscle!? I use a 25 GA 1.25" needle and bury it almost to the plastic in upper outer thigh muscle. I have never give myself a shot under the skin. Injection in fat may slow down the absorption rate, then if next shot is in muscle he could still be receiving from last shot which could increase the T level higher in blood.

What is the dose and how often?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Upset1995 said:


> My husband came home from work in a good mood. We hung out awhile, made him dinner and talked. I asked him if he'd be willing to put up a couple hand rails on her deck. He said sure. About a half hour later he is all pissed saying all I ever do is talk to my family. That he will not have anything to do with my mom's deck and she can go fk herself. My mom didn't ask him to do this, I did. My mom didn't know anything about it. Meanwhile unbeknownst to me, he called her and yelled at her saying: fk your deck, fk your house!!and some other things. Then he turned it on me calling me a cnt saying all I do is talk to my family or visit them. My family lives 3 hours from my home and I visit about 5 to 6 times per year. We are very close, my husband is not close with his family. My mom is 66 and was bawling when I called her back. She didn't even know what was happening. At this point I'm bawling and I told him he crossed a line that he can't take back. I don't even know what to do now. I feel like kicking him out. Advice??!!


Kick him out. ASAP.

Why did his first marriage end, I wonder?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your husband is a little b1tch!

Square up with him and look him straight in the eye and tell him to pick on someone that can fight back.

Look him straight in the eye and tell him you need a man not some chicken shyt p6ssy who picks on old ladies.

And if he jumps your shyt like that out of the blue again you will kick him in the balls.

Girl that is some phucked up shyt you are dealing with and it will only get worse unless you straighten it out here and now.

Tell the cry baby to get the hell out of the house until he can learn how to communicate like a real man.

If I was you I would throw away all his porn....now that will give him something to yell about!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

elown said:


> So sometimes people quarrel


Mature, caring, responsible adults don't quarrel like that.

They don't call inlaws and yell at them and they don't call their spouse a C*NT. Especially not after slow dancing to music, joking around, and pleasantly saying "sure" that they would do something.

If you think that's normal, I think you may have a problem yourself.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If I was your brother, uncle(on your mothers side), dad, or even any other relitive, that little b1tch of a H you got would be kissing you and your mon's @ss from here on out.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

The testosterone may have something to do with his behavior, but regardless it is unacceptable. He could use his jealousy of your relationship with your family to motivate him to get closer to them himself and then he would have more extended family. Instead he choses to try to drive a wedge between you and your family.

Something is definitely not right with him if he was truly all loving and "sure" one minute then yelling at your mom and you the next.

I would read this thread - not just the first post or two, but as you dig down there are lots of articles and advice. 
What to do with an Angry Husband - Marriage Builders® Forums


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Upset1995 said:


> He just yells at me about the only things he knows will hurt me. It's like the whole purpose is to hurt me...


This alone would have me packed and gone.

Go to counseling for yourself.


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

The marriage vow that you made to him doesn't give him the right to abuse you, emotionally or otherwise. Ask him what gives him the right to call you a cnt? Did he conveniently forget his vow to love and honor his wife?


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Upset1995 said:


> My husband came home from work in a good mood. We hung out awhile, made him dinner and talked. I asked him if he'd be willing to put up a couple hand rails on her deck. He said sure. About a half hour later he is all pissed saying all I ever do is talk to my family. That he will not have anything to do with my mom's deck and she can go fk herself. My mom didn't ask him to do this, I did. My mom didn't know anything about it. Meanwhile unbeknownst to me, he called her and yelled at her saying: fk your deck, fk your house!!and some other things. Then he turned it on me calling me a cnt saying all I do is talk to my family or visit them. My family lives 3 hours from my home and I visit about 5 to 6 times per year. We are very close, my husband is not close with his family. My mom is 66 and was bawling when I called her back. She didn't even know what was happening. At this point I'm bawling and I told him he crossed a line that he can't take back. I don't even know what to do now. I feel like kicking him out. Advice??!!


Any idea what set him off? Is this normal behavior for him? (I don't think it is or you wouldn't be so befuddled...) If not then don't boot him just yet, try to find out what the real problem was; it manifested itself in this blowout. You responded correctly, telling him this was not OK-but I get the feeling there is a deeper issue. Look into it. If necessary get an arbitrator to help, to referee for you. Any further details?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

There are at least two issues at hand here. What happened to cause his frustion and how he handled and how he expressed it. 

I cannot believe how out of line the expression of it is. Seriously that word I have not spoken out loud in decades. If any of the men I respected growing up heard my say I would get a very long hard stare and a prolong silence. If I tried to pass it off one of them would say "are you sure that is the right word?". 

Too add to Elegirl's questions why did the relationship that produced children fail. I think you need to look at @Uptowns posts. He is and some other posters have a great deal of experience with this type of relationship. Has he ever struck or threaten to strike you or a family member?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Please read this thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/127058-domestic-abuse.html. Dies smy of this resonant?


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## Upset1995 (Apr 2, 2016)

Yes there is more but I was afraid of making the post too long. He has had blowouts like this before. I was always forgiving before because he had a really bad upbringing, bad parents, mom shot herself (almost died) when he was 6 and was left alone with his sister to care for her, dad abandoned them during that time, had ulcerative colitis (very painful disorder) as a child and never taken to the doctor, and more. After his blowout would subside and he could talk again, it always came back to how he was treated as a child. He explains he has these blowouts because of his traumatic upbringing. I've always been there for him, bringing him back down, listening, being supportive the best I know how. He has gone to therapy, he found a therapist he really likes and can talk to about his issues. He's been wonderful the last 4-5 months or so since he found this therapist and increased his anti-anxiety medication. This rage seems to come out of nowhere though. There's some sort of trigger, the rage starts building, then bam! He'll just walk around the house pounding his feet to the floor, yelling, spitting while he's yelling, face is pure red, most of the time he doesn't even make any sense whatsoever. Just pure anger, hurtful words coming out of his mouth. During this time all he wants to do is hurt me and anything or anyone I care about. He calls me names, vulgar completely unnecessary names. I looked into Borderline Personality Disorder but the therapist didn't think he has that. He said he's going back to see her asap. As a woman, wife I'm a very caring, patient person. But I'm just at the end of my rope and not sure how much longer I can help him through this. Especially as he's brought my family into it!! Is it really his upbringing that makes him an ashole or is he just an ashole that I need to remove myself from? Til death do us part was the vow. But I'm still young and have a life to live too. I cannot continue to walk on eggshells the rest of my life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Upset1995 said:


> Yes there is more but I was afraid of making the post too long. He has had blowouts like this before. I was always forgiving before because he had a really bad upbringing, bad parents, mom shot herself (almost died) when he was 6 and was left alone with his sister to care for her, dad abandoned them during that time, had ulcerative colitis (very painful disorder) as a child and never taken to the doctor, and more. After his blowout would subside and he could talk again, it always came back to how he was treated as a child. He explains he has these blowouts because of his traumatic upbringing. I've always been there for him, bringing him back down, listening, being supportive the best I know how. He has gone to therapy, he found a therapist he really likes and can talk to about his issues. He's been wonderful the last 4-5 months or so since he found this therapist and increased his anti-anxiety medication. This rage seems to come out of nowhere though. There's some sort of trigger, the rage starts building, then bam! He'll just walk around the house pounding his feet to the floor, yelling, spitting while he's yelling, face is pure red, most of the time he doesn't even make any sense whatsoever. Just pure anger, hurtful words coming out of his mouth. During this time all he wants to do is hurt me and anything or anyone I care about. He calls me names, vulgar completely unnecessary names. I looked into Borderline Personality Disorder but the therapist didn't think he has that. He said he's going back to see her asap. As a woman, wife I'm a very caring, patient person. But I'm just at the end of my rope and not sure how much longer I can help him through this. Especially as he's brought my family into it!! Is it really his upbringing that makes him an ashole or is he just an ashole that I need to remove myself from? Til death do us part was the vow. But I'm still young and have a life to live too. I cannot continue to walk on eggshells the rest of my life.


Well, a therapist said she couldn't diagnose a mental disorder.

I should think not! 

That is not, really, her job! That kind of thing is way beyond her pay grade, in my opinion.

Psychiatrists diagnose mental health disorders of that nature. Not therapists who may not even by fully qualified psychologists in the first place. 

He needs to be seen by a psychiatrist. Your MD should be able to recommend one.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Upset, YOU need therapy. Because you married an abuser and abusers DO NOT CHANGE.

If you go to therapy, she will help you understand that, and know that you can't just sit there and wait for things to be better.

You are an abuse victim. Because of that, your 'reality' is now warped and wrong. What you think is acceptable has been ruined by his abuse. There is NOTHING that justifies living with him, and the ONLY chance he will EVER get better is if he has a reason to.

Why would he ever have a reason to? If you LEFT HIM. Because he would then have to fix himself to EARN YOU BACK.

Do you understand what I'm saying?


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## Upset1995 (Apr 2, 2016)

I was thinking of this this morning Turnera. Absolutely correct. I keep thinking if he's willing to go to therapy and he does, why not wait to see what that will bring? It's just one thing after another though. and thank you mattmatt, you are correct as well. Amazing how one can become so blind when in the bad mix for so long. You can't see anything anymore things that are right in front of you. I think that's why I wrote in and probably a lot of people write to this forum. Because like me, they can't see anymore and are looking for someone to tell them even though it's so blantantly obvious to everyone else. Thank you


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

We all know that childhood trauma can deeply and negatively affect our lives as adults. We also know that hormones can influence behavior.

The thing is, though, that you have to protect yourself in the end. If his behavior, whatever the cause, is abusive, then you need to say 'no' to that.

I hope you will tell him that it is good that he is getting therapy and that he needs to see his doctor about the hormone supplements, but also that you won't be his emotional punching bag and that you will protect yourself. And then do it.

Best of luck to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Upset1995 said:


> I was thinking of this this morning Turnera. Absolutely correct. I keep thinking if he's willing to go to therapy and he does, why not wait to see what that will bring?


Why not? Mainly because abusers have a 1 in 10,000 chance of changing, and because they will only do what benefits THEM - so if you stay there, what reason does he have to stay in therapy, CARE about therapy, and change? He's already getting everything.

Now, if you really can't man up and leave, I will give you ONE piece of advice: absolutely REFUSE to accept ANY more poor treatment. Make it absolutely clear to him that every single time he raises his voice, is abusive, says anything remotely rude to you...YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE and go stay somewhere else for the night. Ok? Can you do that much at least?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> We all know that childhood trauma can deeply and negatively affect our lives as adults. We also know that hormones can influence behavior.
> 
> The thing is, though, that you have to protect yourself in the end. If his behavior, whatever the cause, is abusive, then you need to say 'no' to that.
> 
> ...


I'm not disagreeing, but I do think that an adult has, at some point, to stop blaming their toilet training (or whatever) for their behavior. The husband seems to have no coping mechanisms whatsoever and may be a bomb waiting to blow up.

I'm very concerned about his first agreeing to do the work and then blowing up over it.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Looks like you want to rescue him, fix whatever went wrong in his life.

He is who he is. You aren't some magical fairy Godmother who can turn back time and rescue him from a sh*tty childhood. It happened, it's done, there's nothing you could've done and you don't have to pay penance for someone else's wrongdoings. It's like you are trying to play the martyr. 

What do you really want out of life? When you imagine marriage, what does it mean to you?


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## Upset1995 (Apr 2, 2016)

Absolutely. Thank you


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## Upset1995 (Apr 2, 2016)

I think of family, togetherness, supportiveness, love, teamwork, conversation, going out on the town. My issue is that's the way it normally is. There are some times though where this happens. Probably 3-4 times per year where he rages for reasons I can't explain. We have open conversations regarding our sex life, kids, jobs, etc. But I have allowed and continue to allow him to keep doing this with little to no recourse from me.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Upset1995 said:


> Is it really his upbringing that makes him an ashole
> or
> is he just an ashole that I need to remove myself from?


These are two separate things. Did his upbringing make him an *******? Maybe. Probably.

Does that mean you are obligated to live with it? No. Absolutely not. It's very sad but like you said - you deserve a life too. You BOTH took vows, and part of the deal was that he would cherish you too. He is breaking your vows when he loses it like this.

Please look into the link I posted to you above about what to do with an angry husband. Also, please read and have your husband read this:
Angry Outbursts

Based on your description of his rages, you are in danger with him. He is at very high risk of escalating to physical violence. It is great that he has been better for 4 or 5 months, but you need to have ZERO tolerance for this type of outburst. I would strongly recommend you separate immediately. That does not necessarily mean divorce, but you are not save with him. 

He needs to be taking anger management courses along with his therapy. People with anger problems can actually learn to not become angry. (Not just to control their behavior but how to actually not feel the rage in the first place.) 

And you should be separated for months or even years -- a long time -- while he makes this transformation, to know that he is truly safe. As you saw, he was doing great for weeks, and then all of the sudden he unpredictably loses it. 

I would secretly make a plan to separate as soon as humanly possible. (move in with you mom if you have to) then tell him you cannot live with the fear of his outbursts and let him know what he needs to do (anger management) to keep you, and do not move back when he's great for a few days/weeks. You can date but live apart if you want to try to save your marriage.

But he is absolutely not safe and be very careful, if you do separate this may really trigger anger in him. I would date him in public only, don't go home alone with him until he's established a long history of no angry outbursts.

I am sure the fact that he had a horrible childhood tugs at your heart strings. It is very tragic and even I really feel for him. But he and he alone is responsible for his anger. Right now, he is not in control of himself and he is a danger to you both emotionally and physically.


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