# Husband takes LARGE sums of money from bank



## klr1984 (May 31, 2014)

I could just scream sometimes. I'm a newlywed. My husband will frequently get his skivies in a bunch and run to the bank and take out large sums of money, several close to $2000 and then not account for it when I ask. Even though we have a joint account, most of the money comes from me. I understand the feeling of not having the same income, but what he did the other day sent me through the roof. He took out almost $2000 of my money from the joint account and ran his down to $20 and then went and opened up a new account on his own without telling me. I am not a big spender, always looking for the best, cheapest sales prices, but he picks at me for spending on lunches, gas, $50 in t-shirts, and my once a year bras I ordered, which I returned because he made me feel guilty. I'm totally at a loss as to why I feel raped by this situation, it's like financial infidelity to me. I don't know that I could ever trust him with my finances and so this a.m., he told me we needed to separate our accounts. He then went and withdrew money out again, close to $100, it seems he's feeding his new bank account. We also had a monthly payment on something we were purchasing from a family member, and instead of sticking to the payment plan, he went ahead and took part of the money he withdrew from the joint account and paid the item off, close to $500. Why is it that I am feeling guilty for doing nothing at all wrong, and I feel like I can't even address the issues with him. I feel like it threatens me, I feel a senses of lack of trust that grows bigger all the time, and that he has to take the money to open the account to spite me, but also to stock pile. I'm at a loss, truly. We have been married less than one year. I am in agreement that things should be joint, but I would at least speak about taking large sums of money out before I went and did it, and then to tell me after it's already done, is like a slap in the face. Help? Thoughts?


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

I'd put a stop to that.... I'd open up my own account and put all my money where he can't touch it..

I don't trust the guy... What he's doing might be OK... But from where I sit... it stinks to high heaven. 

Looks like he'd trying to control you by making you broke.

Don't let him..


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Agree to separate accounts, then come up with a plan for paying bills. You COULD hang onto the joint account and you each put money into that just for the bills. This should work out to your advantage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

klr1984 said:


> I could just scream sometimes. I'm a newlywed. My husband will frequently get his skivies in a bunch and run to the bank and take out large sums of money, several close to $2000 and then not account for it when I ask. Even though we have a joint account, most of the money comes from me. I understand the feeling of not having the same income, but what he did the other day sent me through the roof. He took out almost $2000 of my money from the joint account and ran his down to $20 and then went and opened up a new account on his own without telling me.


Can you give us an example of the things he gets upset about when he takes these large sums of $$? 


klr1984 said:


> I am not a big spender, always looking for the best, cheapest sales prices, but he picks at me for spending on lunches, gas, $50 in t-shirts, and my once a year bras I ordered, which I returned because he made me feel guilty.


He is wrong in trying to make you feel guilty for small purchases of clothing that you need.

But you have complete control over how you react to his disrespectful and mean spirited attacks on you.

Why do you let this get to you? Why did you return the bras? This makes no sense.

We teach people how to treat us. What you did was to teach him that all he as to do is throw a fit and you will buckle under to his anger and unreasonable attacks. If you stay with him you need to learn how to stop internalizing his verbal attacks on you and to stop doing things like returning bras that you need.


klr1984 said:


> I'm totally at a loss as to why I feel raped by this situation, it's like financial infidelity to me.


Why do you say that you are at a loss as to why you feel financially “raped” by this situation. You know that what he is doing is wrong. Like you say, it’s financial infidelity. So you are not at a loss as to why you feel the way you do. Own that. Stop second guessing yourself.


klr1984 said:


> I don't know that I could ever trust him with my finances and so this a.m., he told me we needed to separate our accounts. He then went and withdrew money out again, close to $100, it seems he's feeding his new bank account.


Does he control the finances in your relationship to include your income?
What % of your joint income do you ear?



klr1984 said:


> We also had a monthly payment on something we were purchasing from a family member, and instead of sticking to the payment plan, he went ahead and took part of the money he withdrew from the joint account and paid the item off, close to $500.


Does him paying this off threaten your joint ability to pay your bills this month and in the future? If not then let this go. At least you know where the money went.


klr1984 said:


> Why is it that I am feeling guilty for doing nothing at all wrong, and I feel like I can't even address the issues with him.


I don’t know why you are feeling guilty over this. Apparently you do not have good boundaries, have low self-esteem and do not stand up for yourself. You need to stop this. You know darn well that what he is doing is wrong. So set your boundaries and stick by them. This might mean the end of your marriage if he does not stop acting like he’s your father and all the money you both earn is his.


klr1984 said:


> I feel like it threatens me, I feel a senses of lack of trust that grows bigger all the time, and that he has to take the money to open the account to spite me, but also to stock pile. I'm at a loss, truly. We have been married less than one year.


What he is doing should make you feel financially threatened and hugely disrespected. In marriage, financial decisions need to be made jointly. If he cannot work with you then you have to take action to protect yourself.

I suggest that you take him up on the idea of separate accounts. You need to take all the $$ in the joint account and move it to an account in your name only. Make it so that your pay is deposited into your separate account. 

Do not every allow him to try to bully you financially any more. You having a separate account is one of the major ways you do this. Then in the future you do not give him any $$. You pay your part of the bills directly. He can pay his part of the bills directly.

If and when he is willing to work with you, instead of unilaterally you can start looking at paying bills out of a joint account. But his habit of withdrawing large amounts of money would make it very hard for me to ever trust him again.


klr1984 said:


> I am in agreement that things should be joint, but I would at least speak about taking large sums of money out before I went and did it, and then to tell me after it's already done, is like a slap in the face. Help? Thoughts?


A normal way of handling this is that each spouse cannot take more than $100 a month (or some designated amount) without clearing with the other. You should both me actively involved in everything financial in your marriage. If he is not willing to share this with you then you have no choice but to have separate accounts.


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## klr1984 (May 31, 2014)

Thank you for your well-thought comments and support. I actually do not have low self-esteem, but the things he is doing are punishing emotionally to me and, yes, you are right, I need to take a stand and not be stomped on more. I am a spiritually grounded person in the Lord, although that does not make it any easier, but there are plenty of things that he is holding back from me, including intimacy. It's just a one way street, all about him, and the last withdrawal this past week just made me turn. I only have two cheeks, you know. It actually makes me sad, and the more I'm with him, the derogatory comments, I've lost my ability to want to be a wife. Disgusts me actually. My percentage of income is 4 times his, but he has the ability and always has had the ability, to handle bills through both accounts, but I've already set up a new account and all direct deposits will go into that account going forward. It's just the not knowing when he will withdraw and what he does with the money, like pay off his parents for the item we were on payments for without me knowing. For now, at least, I've taken a stand financially. The other stuff, well, who knows, but a person can only take so much gruff. :scratchhead:


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## klr1984 (May 31, 2014)

Things he gets upset about are: my buying wet cat food, the cat meowing when the alarm goes off, buying the wrong groceries, cancelling an appointment, saying I'm thirsty in the car after we left a business, telling me I have to stay with him in the stores and he doesn't want me wandering off. We just moved into a new home, and I have spent hours decorating and I was so proud of myself and when he came home for dinner tonight, I asked him what he thought and he said "it's your house, do what you want." He gets upset if I move his papers from one table to another. At that point, it's so difficult, I have no way to state my feelings and have to walk away from him. I am not the type of person to want arguments, and want peace in my heart. These are the points where he gets so angry and takes off. He spends all of his time with his friends, and isn't very nurturing with our marriage, and just leaves me emotionally let down. It's a mess, a big mess.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your financial issues are just a symptom of the bigger issues in your relationship. So once you lock down your finances, what are you going to do about the real issues?

C


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

klr1984 said:


> Things he gets upset about are: my buying wet cat food, the cat meowing when the alarm goes off, buying the wrong groceries, cancelling an appointment, saying I'm thirsty in the car after we left a business, telling me I have to stay with him in the stores and he doesn't want me wandering off. We just moved into a new home, and I have spent hours decorating and I was so proud of myself and when he came home for dinner tonight, I asked him what he thought and he said "it's your house, do what you want." He gets upset if I move his papers from one table to another. At that point, it's so difficult, I have no way to state my feelings and have to walk away from him. I am not the type of person to want arguments, and want peace in my heart. These are the points where he gets so angry and takes off. He spends all of his time with his friends, and isn't very nurturing with our marriage, and just leaves me emotionally let down. It's a mess, a big mess.


From what I am reading... he wasn't ready to get married yet. A husband puts his wife first and a wife should put her husband first. Both should be looking after each other.... not oneself, meaning if you guys have a problem you should be talking about it until you have reached an agreement not running off being with friends..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, you are real issues far and beyond the financial.

What are your plans to get your self free from this abusive situation?


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Yep, you are real issues far and beyond the financial.
> 
> What are your plans to get your self free from this abusive situation?


I agree.

I would consider getting out. This guy is not treating you with the respect that you deserve.

Get out before you get kids... Find someone who loves and respects you... You deserve it.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

klr1984 said:


> Things he gets upset about are: my buying wet cat food, the cat meowing when the alarm goes off, buying the wrong groceries, cancelling an appointment, saying I'm thirsty in the car after we left a business, telling me I have to stay with him in the stores and he doesn't want me wandering off. We just moved into a new home, and I have spent hours decorating and I was so proud of myself and when he came home for dinner tonight, I asked him what he thought and he said "it's your house, do what you want." He gets upset if I move his papers from one table to another. At that point, it's so difficult, I have no way to state my feelings and have to walk away from him. I am not the type of person to want arguments, and want peace in my heart. These are the points where he gets so angry and takes off. He spends all of his time with his friends, and isn't very nurturing with our marriage, and just leaves me emotionally let down. It's a mess, a big mess.


Did you not see this side of him before you married? How long were you together before getting married?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

klr1984 said:


> I could just scream sometimes. I'm a newlywed. My husband will frequently get his skivies in a bunch and run to the bank and take out large sums of money, several close to $2000 and then not account for it when I ask. Even though we have a joint account, *most of the money comes from me*.


I stopped reading here.

He is stealing from you.

Go to the bank, take the money out, and put it in an account that only you can access. Set up a budget and give him access to no more than what he brings in. Get used to living on your own income. Eventually, you are going to divorce him and you need to get ready for it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

klr1984 said:


> Things he gets upset about are: my buying wet cat food, the cat meowing when the alarm goes off, buying the wrong groceries, cancelling an appointment, saying I'm thirsty in the car after we left a business, telling me I have to stay with him in the stores and he doesn't want me wandering off. We just moved into a new home, and I have spent hours decorating and I was so proud of myself and when he came home for dinner tonight, I asked him what he thought and he said "it's your house, do what you want." He gets upset if I move his papers from one table to another. At that point, it's so difficult, I have no way to state my feelings and have to walk away from him. I am not the type of person to want arguments, and want peace in my heart. These are the points where he gets so angry and takes off. He spends all of his time with his friends, and isn't very nurturing with our marriage, and just leaves me emotionally let down. It's a mess, a big mess.


You married an abuser.

Get out now.


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## CJ61 (Feb 24, 2014)

hambone said:


> I'd put a stop to that.... I'd open up my own account and put all my money where he can't touch it..
> 
> I don't trust the guy... What he's doing might be OK... But from where I sit... it stinks to high heaven.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

There is something called financial infidelity.
Question is , where's the money going?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

turnera said:


> I stopped reading here.
> 
> He is stealing from you.
> 
> Go to the bank, take the money out, and put it in an account that only you can access. Set up a budget and give him access to no more than what he brings in. Get used to living on your own income. Eventually, you are going to divorce him and you need to get ready for it.


He sounds like a classic scammer. He uses words of love to get his victim hooked, especially if his victim has money. Then he marries the victim and the first thing he does is skim good money out of the marriage for parts unknown. This one started almost immediately. Red Flag.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Try to take Dave Ramsey's financial peace university together. If that doesn't work out, get out of the marriage.


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This situation WILL get worse believe me!


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