# Previously feeling forced



## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

My wife of ten years occasionally would comment on previous relationships that she often felt forced to do things she didn't want to. She say no physical but emotional abuse. I never force her to do anything but I wonder if her past might be why she act like she does now. On average the last ten years not including sex just to get pregnant our average is probably 4-5 times a year with more in the beginning and less now. She has had two physical affairs and at least one emotional affair during the last 6 years, we have tried working on things but she only give partial truth so not going so well. With her partial replies I can't really ask her this right now. Any ideas about this?

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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Wait a minute she has had two affairs mostly three and your have trepidation o ask her about them...tell me did you force her to have those affairs...did she force you to take her back...dude you lose you manhood in the process...your a doormat and cuckold husband you realize that....SINCE WHEN DOES SHE GET TO MAKE THE RULES....turn in your man card.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

She has had 3 affairs (that you know about) in the past 6 years, she only has sex with you 4-5 times a year and you're worried about asking her about this?? What am I really reading here? 

She's probably had sex more times with her OM than she's had with you in the past 6 years! DUDE?!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I'm wondering why you have stayed married to a serial cheater who isn't meeting your needs. Why are you still with her?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ideas? Sure. Stop being a doormat and divorce her. You can definitely do better.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> On average the last ten years not including sex just to get pregnant our average is probably 4-5 times a year with more in the beginning and less now.


That is technically called a "sex-starved" marriage.... a marriage where you are having sex under 10x in one year (at least, I think it's 10x... maybe someone can correct me if wrong).



Feeling lost and lonely said:


> She has had two physical affairs and at least one emotional affair during the last 6 years, we have tried working on things but she only give partial truth so not going so well. With her partial replies I can't really ask her this right now. Any ideas about this?


Nothing will improve in the relationship without her full truth. She sounds like she is just not designed for marriage and is enjoying not having to own up to her errors with you, since it doesn't sound like you're pursuing the matter hotly.

How long did her physical affairs last?
How long did her emotional affair last?

Did you find out the identities of the affair partners (I doubt it)?
Did she come clean to family/friends about her affairs (I doubt it)?
Did she give you a full time-line of all events (I doubt it)?
Has she appeared at all remorseful or sorry for what she's done, and has she actively worked to gain your trust back (I doubt it)?

What you have is not a marriage, my friend. You have a living arrangement with a person that barely tolerates, likes, or respects you.
There are always better options out there.


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Wait a minute she has had two affairs mostly three and your have trepidation o ask her about them...tell me did you force her to have those affairs...did she force you to take her back...dude you lose you manhood in the process...your a doormat and cuckold husband you realize that....SINCE WHEN DOES SHE GET TO MAKE THE RULES....turn in your man card.


Asking about the affairs is no problem. I'm looking at things that may have made things this way in her mind. 
You are right about a lot of things about me. 

My support system or lack off it close by has been a big reason for still being here and our kids that have their issues making it more complicated.

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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

Keke24 said:


> She has had 3 affairs (that you know about) in the past 6 years, she only has sex with you 4-5 times a year and you're worried about asking her about this?? What am I really reading here?
> 
> She's probably had sex more times with her OM than she's had with you in the past 6 years! DUDE?!


I worry about if she will tell me the whole truth or not about it. My question here is more if that could have messed her up leading her to do what she did.

You are right she probably did more with them then me.

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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Male viewpoint here. You can't do anything to work on her until you work on yourself and get your self respect back.


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> I'm wondering why you have stayed married to a serial cheater who isn't meeting your needs. Why are you still with her?


Because I am an idiot I guess would be my easiest answer but my wife has had a lot of medical and mental health problems over the years and I'm her health insurance and support, need her healthy for the kids, and my support system has not been stable lately but I have trip in a month to see my family in Europe for a couple of days and will discuss that with them to make sure I got financially covered in case I can't do it all on my own. I guess I once had hope that she could become her old self again.

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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> Ideas? Sure. Stop being a doormat and divorce her. You can definitely do better.


By my self would probably be a lot better.

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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

Satya said:


> That is technically called a "sex-starved" marriage.... a marriage where you are having sex under 10x in one year (at least, I think it's 10x... maybe someone can correct me if wrong).
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Very good way to put it.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Because I am an idiot I guess would be my easiest answer but my wife has had a lot of medical and mental health problems over the years and I'm her health insurance and support, need her healthy for the kids, and my support system has not been stable lately but I have trip in a month to see my family in Europe for a couple of days and will discuss that with them to make sure I got financially covered in case I can't do it all on my own. I guess I once had hope that she could become her old self again.


Do NOT call yourself an idiot. You're human. Many people stay in bad marriages for far too long, for many of the same reasons, I would surmise. We humans, we are hopeful, we love, we want the best for our children (if we have them)... everyone has reasons for staying. They're not always the best reasons, and I've never yet seen a reason that is actually valid enough to stay in a bad marriage, but having these reasons doesn't make you an idiot. That's just your poor self-esteem talking, which no doubt has taken a hit because of this marriage.

It sounds like she may be using you for health insurance and/or financial support? 

You need to figure a way out of this, friend. Preferably one where you're not obligated to pay her alimony. This is no good for you, and it's no good for your kids.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> My wife of ten years occasionally would comment on previous relationships that she often felt forced to do things she didn't want to. She say no physical but emotional abuse. I never force her to do anything but I wonder if her past might be why she act like she does now. On average the last ten years not including sex just to get pregnant our average is probably 4-5 times a year with more in the beginning and less now. She has had two physical affairs and at least one emotional affair during the last 6 years, we have tried working on things but she only give partial truth so not going so well. With her partial replies I can't really ask her this right now. Any ideas about this?
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


I'll apologize for being harsh here but if she had 2 affairs, possibly 3, then it's not sex she isn't interested in it's sex with you.

I used to hope that my XW would have an affair and then I'd know that it was just me she wasn't interested in, but she admitted during MC that she had never been interested in any physical relationship.



Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Because I am an idiot I guess would be my easiest answer but my wife has had a lot of medical and mental health problems over the years and I'm her health insurance and support, need her healthy for the kids, and my support system has not been stable lately but I have trip in a month to see my family in Europe for a couple of days and will discuss that with them to make sure I got financially covered in case I can't do it all on my own. I guess I once had hope that she could become her old self again.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


I presume her medical and mental health issues were OK when she was with he affairs. She should have thought about that before cheating ... twice!!


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> Do NOT call yourself an idiot. You're human. Many people stay in bad marriages for far too long, for many of the same reasons, I would surmise. We humans, we are hopeful, we love, we want the best for our children (if we have them)... everyone has reasons for staying. They're not always the best reasons, and I've never yet seen a reason that is actually valid enough to stay in a bad marriage, but having these reasons doesn't make you an idiot. That's just your poor self-esteem talking, which no doubt has taken a hit because of this marriage.
> 
> Answer: Yeah it was not very good before and a very bad now that's for sure.
> 
> ...


Answer: I am seeing more and more how bad it is for the kids. Right now things are fairly stable and not much arguments but no improvement to relationship.

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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> I'll apologize for being harsh here but if she had 2 affairs, possibly 3, then it's not sex she isn't interested in it's sex with you.
> 
> Answer: you are not being to harsh. She has given me several different reasons for not having interest in sex with me but you sure are right that it is just with me that she don't want to.
> 
> ...


Answer: she had issues with both then too but not as bad as now. Sometimes she would use her medical issues to not do anything with me or me just to take care of her needs then tell me she couldn't do more while still having the same issue still be with them. She was never with both at the same time but it was during the same time period.

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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

it does not sound like she has a lot of respect for you let alone love you......she uses excuses for her actions and inactions...and you buy into it....you should bring her and let us to talk to her.....let her defend her actions to us. Remember you don't reward bad behavior, start to take away thinks she enjoys.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> I guess I once had hope that she could become her old self again.


Oh you poor, poor deluded soul....

This IS the real "her." A serial cheating POS.

What you remember was a ruse. You've been had.


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

Lostinthought61 said:


> it does not sound like she has a lot of respect for you let alone love you......she uses excuses for her actions and inactions...and you buy into it....you should bring her and let us to talk to her.....let her defend her actions to us. Remember you don't reward bad behavior, start to take away thinks she enjoys.


She would sadly never stay and read any of it if it was directed at her.

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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Oh you poor, poor deluded soul....
> 
> This IS the real "her." A serial cheating POS.
> 
> What you remember was a ruse. You've been had.


Good way to put it.

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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

My main thing when going to see my family in the spring is to strengthen my financial backup if needed so I can do this. 
She just keep reminding me how much I need to get out of this now I need to make it happen.

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