# So when do you throw in the towel?



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Background; Married 14 years, 3 kids (7, 9, 11). I started thinking something may be up about 7 years ago when she started this new job. She really liked the job and the people there. But she started going to happy hours without me. She’d come home with stories of who was sleeping with whom and a few affairs going on. She stopped coming home at reasonable hours (unless I was there too). Exchanges with co-workers sometimes had a sexual overature; jokes and so forth. Things just didn't seem "professional". I was getting red flags, but she was really happy. 

About 5 years ago at her company retreat, we both got really drunk at the after party. She put me to bed, but went back to the room party to be with a friend (female) so she wouldn’t be alone at the party. Being drunk and this being the first weekend away from our kids for months, I waited up for her to return. I just happened to see her go into a male co-worker’s hotel room with him about 5 minutes after she left me to “passout” (I was that drunk); so she lied about where she was going. She didn’t come back out of the room for a couple hours, which by then I was packed up, dressed and trying to decide whether I was sober enough to drive home and abandon her (this was 4:00am). Btw; I didn’t start a scene there with entire staff and their spouses were on the floor of the hotel including her bosses; I’ve always regretted this. 

Anyway after a very bitter ride home, she claimed innocence (his sister and her sister were both recently alcoholics and they’re both having issues dealing with it... so they just talked). Regardless, I had my own suspicions of a PA and we argued quite a lot over the next month or so. During this time, I checked phone records, etc. and found that she called him every time she went out without me and had been doing this for months; but he was also the guy in the company who seemed to set up all the happy hour events and so forth and I’ve been around when she’s called him to find out where everyone is going. On top of this, she was deleting the phone log on her phone after I found out she kept calling him. 

Eventually we recovered, she stopped calling, got a job somewhere else when the company bankrupted, and we set some ground rules which included no secrets, no deletions, and me always knowing where she is and what she’s doing including check in calls when out alone. Over the last five years, those rules have slowly eroded to the point where I only know basics of where she is going out, who’s there, and when she’ll be home. Sometimes she’s home early, other nights it’s been in the wee hours of the morning. I stopped checking phone logs, and keeping a leach. At best, I just kept my eye out and tried to ignore my own insecurities... Like many of you, I believed I was just being paranoid. 

Flash forward to this year. Back in April, the night before Easter, my wife and I argued over a petty minor thing (hiding easter eggs). At the end of that arguement, she told me we should be separated. She’s threatened divorce before because we are just sort of growing apart and into our own things. We haven’t really been spending time with each other for awhile now. 

Anyway, the next morning I was snooping around since her reasoning for separation seemed a little off. Sure enough, I found a box of condoms in her car which had several missing (we don’t use condoms since I’ve been fixed for 7 years). I flipped. They were “a friend’s” according to her. I took her blackberry and really started snooping. I found an odd email to her friend basically asking her to call Tom1 and Tom2 and warn them because I was acting erratic and threatening...

Flash forward another week. I’d done a lot of snooping. I found she called and texted both these guys daily. Tom2 was an exboyfriend from 16 years ago and she was spending a couple hours a day on the phone with him and a few dozen text. Tom2 lives a couple hours away, is divorced, has kids and partial custody, and happens to be the boyfriend prior to me. She’s been like this with him for a couple months, including calling him before I came to bed and pretending to be asleep. Tom2 was also the last person she talked with before asking for a separation, and the first person she called in the morning after before I found the condoms. He was also the only person she called while over at her mom’s house on Easter (I stayed home). By then though, I had setup the autobcc on the blackberry. Her conversations with Tom2 were fairly innocent like “how is your easter going?” and so forth. Tom1 she was calling everyday on her way home from work and in the morning before lunch. He’s single, considers himself a “player”, and a convicted felon who she used to work with. She’s had this relationship for a year. She has been deleting all the text, emails, and phone records off her blackberry and never mentioned either of them to me. Piecing intercepted emails and so forth, her relationship with Tom2 (the exboyfriend) was a developing relationship and defiantly an EA. Most of the correspondence was catching up after the years, but the last of them were taking on a different semi-romantic tone, exchanging photo’s, and joking about whether she should travel with him (he travels a lot). I don’t think she ever physically met Tom2 prior to me putting an end to it. Tom1 is different though since he’s local and drives a limo now (I’ve had all sorts of bad thoughts about that potential). I couldn’t find much correspondence with him and it seemed to be mostly quick phone calls versus the hour long ones with Tom2. She’s admitted to going to lunch a couple times with Tom1, but that is all. I also discovered there were several other phone numbers she’d occasionally call (always when I wasn’t around). And this was all just looking back over a three month period.

I was ready to leave then, but had promised we should try counciling during the initial fight that started all this. Other than this and her low libido (once a month if I was lucky), we do pretty good together overall. I’ve been suspicious for seven years or so that she might stray, but couldn’t find anything absolute to reinforce my fears and wrote it off to mostly me being insecure. All her excuses are plausible as examined individually, but looking big picture, there are way to many coincidences and it’s a much different pattern. I’ve followed my leads and done enough snooping that I know some of her stories are fabrications; like the origin of the condoms. There is a lot she hasn’t told me I think, and she has deleted everything that might back up some of her stories.

Flash forward again. We’ve been in weekly marriage counciling for five months. Things are better in the marriage, but she’s still not completely forthcoming. She’s learned not to use the blackberry for anything since I’ve disclosed my methods for finding out facts. Facebook, emails to friends, etc., are all routed through her office email where she knows I can’t get to it. She’s offered to share and has let me know that Tom2 has tried a couple times to talk to her. I did actually get lucky once and she failed to clear the deleted items and I found a email to Tom1 that asked him to call her at work after all this. So the trust is still hurting.

I’ve asked for her to tell me the truth about everything, but I’m still getting her normal defenses; stonewalling, downplaying events to “just friends”, and usually distraction; accusations toward me, changing the argument, saying things that I do are “equally” as bad, etc.

Over the last month or so, she’s started reverting to what she was like just prior to my discovery. She’s rebelling against “the rules” and asking to go out with friends again and using the “work related” excuses. She also is doing events she knows I wouldn’t want to do like concerts; She ask if I want to go, I say no, and she gets tickets “with the girl’s” anyway. She’s keeping email accounts I don’t have access to, and using the office to hide. I even caught her buying a new cell phone on the flimsy excuse that she needed to change her phone number (so I wouldn’t have to worry about her past calling her). 

I’m still so confused at what point I give up. I’ve been through a lot. I’m convinced she’s had at least a couple PA’s, and defiantly one EA over the last few years. I don’t know if I’ll ever truly forgive her. We are getting better, but it feels like it’s only surface treatment. I’m still often on edge and really hurt. I often hate myself for loving her and wish I could stop feeling this way so I could just move on with my life. I love her, she is still my fantasy woman, she is still my best friend... but I don’t trust her, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to trust her when we aren’t together. 

So, I do not know what to do. Counciling is helping, there are signs of progress, but my scars are really deep at this point and the past is this massive open sore with so many unknowns and quesitons. Unfortunately, counciling is starting to wear thin and she keeps canceling: I want to get closure on the past, my wife wants to just work on the future. The end result is it doesn’t seem like over the last month or so that we’ve really gotten anywhere. She’s refusing to address or answer for anything in the past and “sick of talking about it”. I know very little, and know she’s lying about a lot of things, so I can’t let it go. All I hear is about things I already told her I know about. I've read a self help book "Not Just Friends" and have tried for months to get her to at least read it so she might understand what I'm going through. She's refused and is sick of me bringing it up. It’s starting to look like an impasse where I’ll have to decide whether or not to throw in the towel.

Tonight I scheduled a "talk" to talk about my lack of trust and hopefully work together to find a solution. So far, the idea hasn't gone over very well. She keeps sending me emails bringing up other issues she has with me that she wants to talk about. I keep telling her to keep to the topic and save it for tonight. If she has other things, we can discuss those at another time. I have no idea (but am doubtful) that our talk will turn into anything more than a general grievance session where I'll be attacked over and over: She's said extremely hurtful things in the past. In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm dealing with a teenage girl who does things just because it's the opposite of what I want... Ugh......

Suggestions?


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

ME-Married 13 years, 4 kids, husband was messing around for 3 years and continues to lie to me


Speaking from my experience, yes, she has cheated on you and will continue to do so. It doesn't sound to me like she has ever been completely honest with you or like she ever will. I'd say leave her and find someone who deserves you, but with kids and a long marriage, I know it's just not that easy.


Can you hire a private investigator or something to get yourself some evidence? I know that seems drastic but it sounds to me like at this point, you need to start thinking about yourself and what you can use to make sure you can still see your kids once separation has started and the divorce is over. It sounds like she has only been thinking about herself for a long time now.

Good luck!


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

Almost forgot! If you do decide to try to get some hard evidence on her, remember to act as much like nothing is going on as you can. The more comfortable she is, the more she will relax her guard and the more you will find on her. I know it's hard to act normal when you're so upset with someone, but do the best you can.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Sorry for the late update... Swine flu rolled through the house.

A PI at this time is a waste of money. I’ve already made the huge mistake of revealing everything I know and how I got it before having absolute conclusive evidence. However, from what little I do know of these things, there is enough gathered that any other person looking at it would conclude a PA and EA. But I’m in a no-fault State, so it’s just for my sanity.

Things that have happened over the last week or so:
I did try and talk to her about rebuilding trust; we were both sick, so it was kept brief. I think she understands that I need to know everything, particularly things I haven't uncovered. She hasn't come forward yet, but at least is seeming to empathize with my shattered beliefs in her. 

I did spend a night out of the house last weekend and she freaked out. Basically what led up to it is she became verbally abusive toward me about our eldest son getting bit by the dog. It had to be my fault, so she went off screaming at me in front of the kids. So I got in the car and drove over to our second home to cool down. I’d hoped for an apology after she cooled down, but she kept calling me to berate me some more... I think me being gone may of opened her eyes a bit more to the real possibility that I may not be around much longer. Btw; one thing we do have an advantage over other couples looking at divorce is that we have two houses in close proximity and the same schools. The payments can also be afforded individually since both her and I earn good salaries. Neither of us has moved out though because we both are trying to make this work... but man it’s tempting at times.

After returning the next day, we talked a bit. Basically I told her I have changed: I’ll no longer tolerate what I used to, we can’t go back to the way it was before, however we can build a new marriage stronger than we were before. I told her again that because of her past deceptions and broken promises, I question whether or not she even knows right from wrong and when it’s appropriate to apologize. I told her I’m tired of having to ask for an apology when she wrongs me. That I’m tired of her stalling admitting any fault for days (she deflects and justifies). I told her I think this is a character flaw that I am not sure I can live with anymore. For us to work in the future, she needs to learn how to tell me she is sorry. The councilor has been trying to have us work on empathy since day one, but I’m not seeing much in the way of results after six months. 

She's been hypervigilant and emotionally strung out ever since. Now it’s common for her to be sweet, caring and kind when we’re together. Then when we go to bed, she curls up next to me and tries to goad me into an argument. Other times, she avoids me altogether. She’s been trying really hard to gather “dirt” on me; going through my phone, emails, and text message logs. For my birthday a couple days ago, she gave me presents she wanted and I’ve never expressed interest in.

I was bad though. She noticed my disappointment over my birthday and asked me about it (curled up in bed of coarse). Instead of holding my tongue like I knew I should of, I told her the little celebration seemed to be more about her and the kids than me. She pointed out that I gave her nothing for her birthday. True, but I made the next mistake of reminding her that her’s hit about a week after my discovery of her EA and at that time she was promising to break it off and still texting and calling him several times a day. She had even been planning a celebration at a bar where she failed to invite me... So what would of been an appropriate gift for her? My gift was simply not trying to pick a fight that day and letting the kids celebrate it (I did however wreck her bar event by forcing her to take me). Just a theory of mine, but since only two people showed up, I think she was busy cancelling everything on her birthday to avoid a potential ugly confrontation between me and her friends. 

Oh well, that’s it for now. Things are plodding painfully forward. Thanks for letting me vent on these forums.


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## mr.niceguy (Oct 17, 2009)

I really feel for you I am going through a similar situation. 

If she is still doing these things then it is probably time to end it for you and your kids. They can tell something is wrong. I am working things out with my wife because she wants to make it work and our son is only 29 days old. If my child was not on the way she would not have gotten the chance.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Kind of an odd weekend. We had a talk Sunday morning. Basically, she’s been picking fights over minor things the last few days, so I approached her to find out what is really bothering her. 

An argument ensued. One item she revealed was that she lent Tom1 a few hundred dollars and has been unable to collect it back. She basically is now trying to convince me all those phone calls (hundreds that went on for 8+ months, but only lasting a few short minutes), and the reason she had lunch with him a few times was to see if she could get the money back. I didn’t push her for more information, hoping she would start telling me other things I don’t know about. She didn’t offer any more information.

So, I only told her that I am concerned that she would rather have me thinking she’s had an affair with Tom1 for six months, than to confess she gave him (a convicted felon for skimming money from his place of employment) money to help him get back on his feet. She knew I was hurting and Tom1 was my primary suspect for a PA.

What is going through my head is that this story could be partially true. But I know a lot more than that. I’ve seen some emails, and not a single time was money mentioned. For example; I know she argued with him about something he posted on facebook that could be seen as the two of them having a sexual relationship. She was mortified that people would see it and start rumors and told him to remove the post. After several pm’s he removed it. This also caused a lull in their phone calls for a month, but they had picked back up by the time of my discovery. By odd coincidence, the day of my discovery, he was removed from her friends list. When I had confronted her and asked for an explanation, at first she didn’t know what I was talking about, then later said it was something he had posted about a female co-worker of theirs that she thought he should remove. She also claimed he was never a friend on facebook. I knew it was a lie then, but I haven’t pushed it to far yet because I’m not sure she is ready (or ever will be ready) to tell me the truth. So, I think I’ll wait for a few days, then ask her to clarify the relationship with Tom1. 

We did talk briefly about a “vacation” from each other. She has this idea that if we separated for a couple weeks, our relationship would be stronger because we’d appreciate more what we do and mean to each other. Of coarse her idea has me moving into the old house taking with me just enough to get by (air mattress, sleeping bag, etc.). I unequivocally killed the idea. This would pray on my trust issues, and seems more like an opportunity for her to “try out” being a single mother (and dating) with the expectation that I’d just rejoin the marriage if she didn’t like it. It’s not fair to me and my emotions or the confusion of the kids. Either you are married, or you are not. That decision was made together a long time ago. She can’t just put me on hold. I told her that if this is really what she wanted, I’d go ahead and file the divorce papers since there is an automatic 90 day separation; We’d split everything, I’d officially move out, there’d be a chance to reconcile and work out differences, and if at the end we decide to end it, the process is already being observed. She really didn’t like that idea. I told her she needs to decide whether she really wants to work on the marriage or continue to let it erode into a divorce. It’s not all about her; this affects the kids, me, and our families so she needs to really think this through and do some soul searching; fantasy is not reality. So, in the end she told me she wants to continue to work on the marriage....

Guess I’ll see if she really means it or not.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Racer, you're wife could be my wife. Spooky similar. I can't tell you when to end it, but I can tell you that if you let it, you'll go on like this forever. She'll always be slightly out of reach, give you enough to think you might be getting somewhere, but then pull away. It's maddening, and heartwrenching.

I separated with my cheating exW for a year, got back for 8 months (much of the same behavior you describe), split again, during which time we sort of dating and were intimate (me thinking there was hope), and then she made up a huge lie, yet another betrayal. I cut off all contact save kids and money for a few months, and then slowly we've been talking as our "Divorce" is getting more ominous. 

Still now after ALL of that, I get drawn in, then she backs off. Never in an overt way, just enough to be out of reach, keep me slightly engaged, but never give enough for me to feel safe or heal.

Buddy, it sounds like you're in the same boat. 

I've concluded that it will never end. On the one hand she wants the security and doesn't want to be the bad guy, on the other she likes the drama, validation and attention from other men. You are a non consideration, other than being an authority figure to manage. You're like the mean father, and she's the rebellious teenager.

Oh, and she's probably already cheating. "Trial" separations just means she wants easier access to the new guy. Your gut is right, but he's probably already in the picture. 

My advice is get out and detach. I've been stuck in this drama for over 2 years. When I'm able to detach and can get to moments of happiness.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree:


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I am sorry about what you are going through but I really think its time you threw in the towel. She's a grown woman acting like a horny teenager. At least she's using condoms though you don't know if its all the time in which case she is even endangering you. I don't see how she has all this time to go out yet be a proper mother to her kids. What kind of example is she setting for your kids. I'm sorry, I'd ask her to move out. You stay with the kids. See a lawyer, line your ducks up in a row and protect yourself and your kids. She's lied over and over again and she's a serial cheater and now she's telling these guys you are threatening...one of these days one of those guys are going to show up to "protect" her...what a mess. Get her out, she needs someone to stand up to her and you are letting her get away with so much!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> Racer, you're wife could be my wife. Spooky similar. I can't tell you when to end it, but I can tell you that if you let it, you'll go on like this forever. She'll always be slightly out of reach, give you enough to think you might be getting somewhere, but then pull away. It's maddening, and heartwrenching..


It is maddening. It's a emotional roller coaster. We had a wonderful night Tuesday night. We're both happy, affectionate, and genuinely going out of our way to be considerate of the other person.

Then last night, last minute her friend wants her to go to a wine tasting. I tell her that I would go if she wanted. But there is no babysitters, so she can't understand why she can't go alone; I tell her I don't completely trust her out alone and drinking with someone who set her up with Tom2 (she's not supportive of our marriage). It's back to the "your manupulating, controlling, and keeping me in a prison." I'm still about maybe she should make an effort at rebuilding my trust so I can stop being the bad guy and tell her so. The rest of the night is her finding faults with me. She even walks out when I snap back at her only to come back several minutes later to berate me some more over petty things; like my apparent inability to pick up dog poo because she can fill two bags, and I only fill one...lol; really this is worth mentioning?. She tells me we'll never fix it because she's tired of me accusing her and how I'm not the man she wants and so forth. I lose it and snap back maybe she wants a really good butler but got a husband instead. I remind her that she is the one who went outside the marriage and lied about it; I ignored and isoloated her (that is my sin in the marriage), but I never broke our trust or went outside the marriage for attention. She snaps that we'll never fix our problems because I'll never be someone she would want and probably should divorce. She storms off to bed.

She goes to bed, I research divorce law in my State and mull over my situation until the wee hours. Good news though; I own a successful business and have worried about it as an asset she'd come after... but it's a family firm and my stock was gifted to me (which makes it off-limits in my State). So one less worry......

This morning is like nothing's wrong. A hug, a kiss, and a "I love you" before I head out to work. wtf? I know it's a rollercoaster for her too, but these sudden swings after picking fights are crazy.


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## CMC125 (Oct 21, 2009)

Racer,

Next time this occurs, have a small bag packed and local motel ready. Then leave without a word to her.

Come home, and remind her at any moment that could be the final one.

She is challenging you during transparency period, but it sounds like she wants the affair gone and forgotten to move on with good times. Why sit her down and tell her how it is going to be.

No more rollercoaster for you, your world at present time has already crashed and burned you need to stop hers.

Then last night, last minute her friend wants her to go to a wine tasting. I tell her that I would go if she wanted. But there is no babysitters, so she can't understand why she can't go alone; I tell her I don't completely trust her out alone and drinking with someone who set her up with Tom2 (she's not supportive of our marriage). It's back to the "your manupulating, controlling, and keeping me in a prison." I'm still about maybe she should make an effort at rebuilding my trust so I can stop being the bad guy and tell her so. The rest of the night is her finding faults with me. She even walks out when I snap back at her only to come back several minutes later to berate me some more over petty things; like my apparent inability to pick up dog poo because she can fill two bags, and I only fill one...lol; really this is worth mentioning?. She tells me we'll never fix it because she's tired of me accusing her and how I'm not the man she wants and so forth. I lose it and snap back maybe she wants a really good butler but got a husband instead. I remind her that she is the one who went outside the marriage and lied about it; I ignored and isoloated her (that is my sin in the marriage), but I never broke our trust or went outside the marriage for attention. She snaps that we'll never fix our problems because I'll never be someone she would want and probably should divorce. She storms off to bed.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

No. He should never leave. That's a bad strategy. He should ask her to leave.

She doesn't sound at all like she wants this to work out. Take her at her word -- she doesn't want to be married to you -- and help her achieve that goal. When you file, it will freak her out in a big way. And it may achieve something. But as things stand, you're in for a lot of grief with no ending in sight.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

It’s not as though there is no effort from her. Some good sharing comes out of our discussions before it goes sour. The councilor (been a month since we’ve seen him) had us working on staying on topic among other communication skills. Usually it goes sour because she’ll start generally flopping around and making it about every complaint she’s ever had which isn’t helpful and escalates the argument. I have also caught her starting to read my self-help book, which I’m really hoping will provoke some insight and thought from her because she still is looking at it from a rather shallow perspective. But it’s so frustrating that I see as much effort to rebuild as I do to damage the relationship. 1 step forward, 1 step back... it’s in limbo.

As for moving out. I’ve given it a lot of thought and planning; I’d be moving into our old house. The current house scares me from a financial standpoint of a single father and knowing the current loan is interest only that balloons in a couple years with a lot of expensive repairs that are going to be needed in the near future. The old house on the other hand we’ve just dumped $20k into fixing up with the excuse of making it viable in the housing market; my secondary goal (as part of the exit plan) was the to fix it prior to a division of assets in case of divorce. I know she hated that house, so she would not move in there. The new house is worth a lot more so it helps significantly with the division of assets in my favor and it’s something I think she’ll see that she’s “won”(because she gets the big house with the pool). I feel a bit underhanded about it, but my business sense is always tingling and divorce isn't just about emotions.

Custody and kids is a hard one though. I’ll probably need some individual counciling on how to approach it and deal with marriage baggage from interfering with long term arrangements with the kids. I don’t want my grievances with my wife to influence what is best for the children, and unfortunately right now it does.

Kind of where I'm at is that it's in limbo; getting better in some areas, and no progress in others. But unlike some here, I still haven't got that moment of clarity that pushes me one way or another..... so I'm stuck half in (committed and trying) / half out (planning my exit).


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I came to a determination over the weekend. I’m going to start focusing on myself instead of reacting to her. I’ve come to the realization that she is going to do whatever she wants to do and no amount of discussion or learning from mistakes is going to make a large difference to me. She’s just going to move forward making the same mistakes over and over until something clicks in her; I’m no longer going to be sitting around reacting to her actions. It’s time for her to react to me.

Sort of weird, but the events over the weekend were unrelated to our relationship. It was about the dogs, but it enlightened me to what I already knew. Short version; her actions made our two dogs fight. Further actions resulted in me going to the ER with serious bite marks.

Basically when it came to the dogs, we have discussed and know how to act. We’ve even been working carefully with the kids so they’ll know how to get along with the dogs. Because she got mad at one of them, she threw out everything she’s learned and continued to escalate things way out of control. That’s my wife. When strong emotions kick in, she acts on her emotion without any care or consideration of the results regardless whether it’s a good or bad choice. The other thing is that she doesn’t own up to the mistake; it’s someone else’s fault. I’ve come to the realization that only she can change this.

I’ve always known it. Sitting in that ER for hours gave me lots of time to think. For most of our marriage, knowing that she does things based on emotional impulses, I’ve tailored myself around manipulating her to not have any reason to be mad at me. If she’s happy, then I should be happy. If she’s mad, then I’m going to be miserable. It’s time I stopped letting her control my actions.

So, I got the “not so nice guy” book to help me break my cycle after seeing some discussion of it on this forum. After witnessing fat come sliming out of my gouge, I’m also starting to work out and trying to figure out how to rebuild my social network (long since abandoned to avoid rocking the boat). I’m thinking I’ll join an active gym and become active in the local Chamber and start meeting people. It doesn’t mean I’m throwing in the towel. It simply means I’m going to stop worrying about her and start building me into what I want. If she wants to come along for the ride, she’s welcome... but her involvement isn’t necessary. It’s about time for her to start adjusting to me instead of visa-versa.....


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Good man. The worst thing that can happen is you have a life and support network if the marriage truly ends.

Also remember, that what ever issues you W most likely came out of dysfunction in childhood. Impulsive actions are similar to addictions, and (my understanding) is that they both come out of unmet childhood needs. She'll need to do the work to resolve this, and you trying to save her will just prolong it for both of you.


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