# I’m confused....



## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Hi all!
Ok so I met this guy awhile back- we lost touch, and he recently got in touch with me as he had an interview at the company I’m employed at. 
He mentioned us getting together for a bite. Now, last summer in the early part we did go out about 5-6 times. Attraction was there, but for some strange reason, never happened.
Fast forward to now- went to lunch and had amazing convo, flirting etc.

We’ve talked a lot. And have lots or I think in common. Witty banter and us both getting cheeky via texts. 
It’s obvious we are wanting to fool around a bit and see. So we did but stopped as I wasn’t ready just yet.
He was cool and we continued chatting. He’s been saying good morning and small talk through out the week. He has side job on the weekends and he was in the area.
So, he says- want to get together?
I immediately think- he justs wants to come over and screw.
I have issues and yes I wanted to make out, but not all the way.

I tell him- I told you I’m ready to fool around but not to the extent of intercourse yet. I like you and I don’t wanna be just a **** buddy to you.
I want to take things in a normal progression.

He replied I get it.
Then he says look I want to come over but... I value you as a friend too much to mess it up.

I say- how would you mess it up?
He says I don’t want you to think that I’m texting you and being nice cause I want to have sex with you.
Yes, I am attracted to you.

Long story short. He came over. We had the best explosive sensual sex ever. Several times. And he stayed over and cuddled and wanted to go again this morning.
It was and felt very nice. I would like to see where this goes. 
But did he friend zone me?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's hard to tell if he friend zoned you.

To me it sounds like he said what he did to continue seeing you because he's hoping that he has not been friend zoned and he hopes he still has a chance.

It's very seldom that a guy will friend zone a woman and hang around with her. Usually when a guy hangs around with a woman, he is hoping for more.

Keep in mind that your sort-of sex can be very frustrating and confusing.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I think that the poor guy is probably confused. 
You invited him over with the proviso that you weren’t going to have sex with him. 
Then you had explosive sex. Several times. 
Just give him a call,it won’t hurt.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: I’m confused....*

_Dear Abby, I sent a guy I met some confusing and conflicting messages.

And now he is confused and conflicted. 

What should I do?

Yours, Confuser._


_Dear Confuser, please stop sending people confusing and conflicting messages.

Yours, Abby._


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I agree, he's confused because you are saying one thing and doing another. If you want to keep seeing him, send him a text or better yet, call him and tell him. Ask him to dinner. Then be honest, although you didn't think you were ready, when push came to shove, you felt ready in the moment and you thoroughly enjoyed yourself and you'd like to keep seeing each other. If he says yes you know you weren't friend zoned. 

Also, keep in mind that in this day and age consent is a big deal. And there are plenty of men who want to make sure a woman knows he doesn't want her for just sex. Men get a bad rap...if they push for sex they're *******s but if they hold back and try to make sure they've forged a connection prior to sex they are just friend zoning the woman. I don't think there is anything wrong with a guy who wants to make sure you know that he can wait for sex and that sex is not all he wants from you. Most guys want more than sex from a women.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: I’m confused....*



Sue4473 said:


> Long story short. He came over. We had the best explosive sensual sex ever.


LOL. Of course you did. I actually knew how this would end long before I got to the end of your post.

I knew you'd invite him over the *minute* I read the bull**** he started feeding you about not wanting to 'mess up the friendship.' Good lord, men have been using that pickup line for YEARS on women - and I see it still works. 



> He says I don’t want you to think that I’m texting you and being nice cause I want to have sex with you.
> Yes, I am attracted to you.


LOL. More pickup bull****.

Did he 'friend zone' you? Not at all. He was merely giving you a line of bull**** about how your friendship is SOOOO much more valuable to him than hot monkey sex that he was willing to 'back off' JUST to preserve that delicate and precious friendship you have - because he's THAT great of a guy! He's the type that values a woman's 'friendship' over hot monkey sex. :rofl::rofl::rofl:

Look, you may have confused him a little bit with the push and pull, but he knew *exactly* what he wanted and he knew *exactly* how to get it. I'm willing to bet he made it over to your house in record time once you fell for his lines and gave him the green light.

Sue, he used one of the oldest tricks in the book on you. Come on. I've heard that bull**** line from guys my entire life, about how our friendship was_* so*_ much more valuable than sex, so they were going to 'stay away' once they found out I wasn't putting out. LOL. Except, I'd *let *them stay away when they'd use that line on me...for the "good of the friendship," of course. :rofl:


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

All true. We were having fun in the moment and we just went there. He asked if I was sure and I said yes.
I guess we both are good friends and we don’t want to mess this up.

Is it possible to go with the flow and not have any expectations? I sometimes get ahead of myself and that’s when things get screwy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Look up PEA chemicals. They're the ones you get in your body when you start seeing someone a bunch of times and it makes you feel like you're in love when you're really in lust. Meaning...if you continue to see him a LOT, frequently, you're going to come to believe you love him whether you want to or not. If you want to be smart about this, don't see him more than once or twice a month at first. See what happens.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: I’m confused....*



She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL. Of course you did. I actually knew how this would end long before I got to the end of your post.
> 
> I knew you'd invite him over the *minute* I read the bull**** he started feeding you about not wanting to 'mess up the friendship.' Good lord, men have been using that pickup line for YEARS on women - and I see it still works.
> 
> ...


The only time "not wanting to mess up our friendship" was used in my life was by a girlfriend. And yes, things did get badly messed up.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I just don’t want him to think of me as a f—- buddy. We’ve been out numerous times and I know we both live busy busy lives.
But I would like to date him and have something. Nothing heavy but like to see if we can move forward 
Whether it’s a line or not. I want him to be interested in me as I am in him.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

just don't have sex with him every time you see him going forward and you'll be fine. 

Get drinks after work, go home on occasion. Get drinks after work, go get busy on occasion. That is dating. Have some fun.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: I’m confused....*



Sue4473 said:


> I want him to be interested in me as I am in him.


 Then don't 'put out' (as they used to say) every time you're with him. Make that a more important, revered, valuable aspect of your relationship, one that doesn't come without a real emotional relationship. 

Remember that, generally, men's sex drives are far stronger than women's and they will rarely say no. But if they keep getting it whenever they want it, they may tend to take the giver for granted (and lose respect).


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

*Re: I’m confused....*



Sue4473 said:


> I just don’t want him to think of me as a f—- buddy. We’ve been out numerous times and I know we both live busy busy lives.
> But I would like to date him and have something. Nothing heavy but like to see if we can move forward
> Whether it’s a line or not. I want him to be interested in me as I am in him.


I think you should be honest and tell him that. "I had a great time but I just want to be clear...I don't want to just be a **** buddy for you" He can decide what he wants to do with that information. And if he continues to want to see you, make sure you don't have sex every single time you see him. If he doesn't want to continue seeing you, he's not worth worrying about. Keep your memory of the great sex and move on.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: I’m confused....*



Sue4473 said:


> Long story short. He came over. We had the best explosive sensual sex ever. Several times. And he stayed over and cuddled and wanted to go again this morning.
> It was and felt very nice. I would like to see where this goes.
> But did he friend zone me?


It sounds like this JUST happened. I would stay cool for a couple days and see how HE handles things. Does he come out and say he wants to see you exclusively? Does he reassure you you're not "just friends" ? Does he ask to make sure YOU aren't seeing anyone else because he wants you exclusively? Does he come around for more sex but not mention what's going on between the two or you and not make any effort to wine and dine you?

If a few days go by and HE doesn't approach the subject at all but is still contacting you and wanting to see you then you might ask him "What do you want out of this?" and if he doesn't want exclusivity then you need to cut him off.

The reason I say to put the onus on him to speak up first or at lest tell you what HE wants is because now that you've had awesome sex, and even if you hadn't, he's going to be tempted to say what you want to hear to keep you close.

I noticed with my current boyfriend that he pursued me. HE brought up wanting me all to himself and him not seeing anyone else. HE brought up the future. Etc. Frankly, that was a new experience for me when it comes to men, and it made me realize if the guy is wanting more than just FWB he is going to SAY SO.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Update-

Ok so not much going on- texts started to dwindle a bit, and I’ve played cool following his lead etc.
We did exchange a text on Monday and it led to the fun we had the previous weekend. He stated that he wanted to get “frisky” and he thought about sending a text reaffirming that. I replied- that’s great, but you better feed me, let’s go see a movie etc before that happens.
He replied- I know. And that’s exactly why I resisted on sending that text.
I’m hoping that was good. I’m trying to set boundaries and make it known that yes, I like sex with you but I also enjoy YOU and doing other activities.
Why is this so hard? Lol

That’s all I’ve said and most likely will let him come to me at this point. School will be back on soon and no more free weekends for awhile!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Excellent. There's a reason they say 'put a ring on it.'


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: I’m confused....*



Sue4473 said:


> Update-
> 
> Ok so not much going on- texts started to dwindle a bit, and I’ve played cool following his lead etc.
> We did exchange a text on Monday and it led to the fun we had the previous weekend. He stated that he wanted to get “frisky” and he thought about sending a text reaffirming that. I replied- that’s great, but you better feed me, let’s go see a movie etc before that happens.
> ...


Good girl. Like I've seen people say elsewhere on this forum - "We teach people how to treat us."


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Ahh, the joys of the hookup culture. At least traditional dating has rules. I can’t imagine spending countless hours trying to interpret ambiguous behavior and texts.

I’ve heard the line where a guy says, at the start of the first date, “Just to let you know, we’re not going to have sex tonight.” The girl thinks “what’s wrong with me?” A lot of the time it works, supposedly.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: I’m confused....*



Sue4473 said:


> Update-
> 
> Ok so not much going on- texts started to dwindle a bit, and I’ve played cool following his lead etc.
> We did exchange a text on Monday and it led to the fun we had the previous weekend. He stated that he wanted to get “frisky” and he thought about sending a text reaffirming that. I replied- that’s great, but you better feed me, let’s go see a movie etc before that happens.
> He replied- I know. And that’s exactly why I resisted on sending that text.


So my earlier post in this thread was right on target about him just wanting sex and using that *ridiculous* line about "not wanting to jeopardize the friendship" on you to get it. That line's been around longer than Methuselah.

It sounds as though he was giving you the slow fade after he got what he wanted (even though he 'values your friendship SOOOO much,' as he claims). I'm assuming it was you who reached out to him on Monday hoping to keep the contact going between you two and it was then that the silver tongued charmer let you know he was 'frisky.' You told him you'd like to at least go out for dinner or a movie first (well _*he*_ sure wasn't suggesting he take you out before sex) because it probably would have made it feel like less of a booty call for you even though that's exactly what it was.

Sue, this guy isn't looking for anything more than a good time from you, and I have to be brutally honest - your 'friendship' that he claims was so _precious_ to him means pretty much nothing to him. It was never 'friendship' he was looking for. 

If you were to completely stop texting him right this minute, I can almost guarantee you that you might get one or two ineffectual 3-word nonsense texts from him over the next week or so, just so he can keep his foot in the door for the next time he wants to get laid. But I don't believe for a nano-second that ANY of those texts (or God forbid an actual phone call) that you might possibly get from him would have any substance to them at all, nor would they suggest taking you on a* real *date or wanting to spend time trying to get to know you better. 

Stop wasting your time on this *USER*.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

If you had wanted a relationship with him, you should of laid the foundation better BEFORE sex. You would of also realized that was all he was interested in, and ditched him.

Well I guess now you know.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Okay so I am SO not into playing games during dating. But sometimes you just have to. I.e., even if you want to have sex with a guy on the first date, you really have to hold off if you want a relationship. 

My first "real" boyfriend-I slept with him on the first date. We dove into a relationship. We were exclusive, or so I thought. Found out very early on (like as in mere weeks) that he had cheated on me. Like an idiot, I stayed for 5 long, torturous years playing Marriage Police. Stupid decision. Never again.

Second serious relationship-slept with him on the first date. He turned out to be a physically abusive *******. I stayed for 12 years. Stupid decision. Never again.

Third serious relationship-now my husband: I thought, I'm gonna do things differently. I didn't sleep with him until about 5 dates in. I wasn't looking for marriage, just a monogamous relationship (I never had a burning desire to get married.) He put a ring on it and I am so happy!

Tons and I means tons of dating (and lots of sex lol not gonna lie) between these relationships. I was looking for a long term relationship and of course none of them were interested. Why would they be when I gave up the goodies immediately?

I realize my two failed relationships could've had nothing to do with my sleeping with them on the first date. But I just think that you attract a better quality man if you don't. 

I used to think that this line of thinking was corny and antiquated. I don't think that way anymore.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

According to a Groupon survey, men think sex should happen on date 5, women think it should happen on date 9, and on average it is date 8.

Is it OK to sleep together on the first date?
Men saying yes: 9%
Women saying yes: 1%

Is it OK to sleep together within three dates?
Men saying yes: 30%
Women saying yes: 8%

Kissing On the First Date
On average, people wait for the second date before they kiss.

17% always kiss on the first date.
39% kiss on the first date if it goes well.
45% never kiss on the first date.

https://www.hookingupsmart.com/2017/09/30/hookinguprealities/three-date-rule/


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Yea maybe I got played. We’ve been talking for awhile and had went out few times last year. But nonetheless something has shifted on his end. So I will smile that hey it was a fun night and I got some lol.
His loss if he doesn’t see a great girl. Eventually I will find a good one!


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