# I can't give her another baby, should I let her go?



## Kym (Jul 2, 2012)

My partner is a beautiful 22 year old woman. I am a 31 year old woman. We have been together for 3 years, and together we have overcame infidelity, loss of many loved ones, and life altering changes. I have no doubt in my mind this is the person I want to share my secrets and pillow with for the rest of my life. But we have come to a crossroads. My side is while my partner loves me, she can't tell me she is in-love with me. As much as I love her, I dont want to spend my life being in love with someone who can't say the same. Her side is she wants to have another baby. I have a 10 year old, and she has a 3 year old already. I feel like our plates are full enough, and being that we are in a lesbian relationship, it would take a lot for us to get pregnant and add to our family. Somebody please tell me this doesnt have to be so black and white. I'll let her go if it's what I have to do for her to get what she wants and be happy, but the thought of it is killing me.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, you're conflating two problems -- one is the child question, but the more serious one in my mind is that she cannot say that she is "in love" with you. Sounds to me like in her mind she is settling, which means under no circumstances should you undertake to have another child with her. At least not until this is cleared up.

I'm sorry. Glad you are posting here, people are (generally) kind and supportive on this board and I'm sure you'll get some good advice.


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

You're dealing with two separate issues here, and you need to view them separately. 

Years ago my then-husband and I were very close friends with a lesbian couple. They wanted a child and asked my husband to father that child. Since the partner who was planning to carry the baby was healthy and fertile, it would not have involved expensive in-vitro fertilization or cheating. It would have involved a cup and a turkey baster. Really. We ended up never going through with it and they are no longer together, but our friends researched it and it's really not that difficult or expensive.

The other issue is more serious. She can't tell you she is in love with you. It's NOT a good idea to be adding a child when the relationship is unstable in this way. I would suggest counseling for both of you to decide if this is a life-long relationship to bring more children into. 

Best of luck.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

At 22, she may still be trying out this lifestyle...and could very well not be in love with you.

And 3 years with infidelity? Who cheated?


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

I think Lamaga has picked out an important point. The relationship cannot be built around a child. A child will not save a relationship. So perhaps you could consider time limits, have you presented her with a time limit that you would need before making changes such as a new child e.g. 3 years in or more before you both re-address the issue? If so she may make a decision to stay or leave and the issue of having a child can be resolved or solved in the future.

If she still says she is in a hurry I wonder if she can explain why? It is maternal insticts or is she giving herself a get-out clause to a lesbian relationship (sorry if that sounds crass, but it aligns with not being able to say she loves you too).


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so many things I don't even know where to start

let me ask, since the ILYBINILWY speech was made, was she the one who cheated?

and yes, do not have a child enter an unstable relationship


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## Kym (Jul 2, 2012)

Thank you all for your insights. I think you are right about settling for me. Yes, she cheated on me with a guy. I knew when we started dating she could be overwhelmed with everything this lifestyle brings. I know without a doubt she loves me. We are best friends, but the in love part tells me what I need to know. I think I needed someone unbiased to show me that. She isnt in a hurry to have a baby, but she wants to know that in 3-4 years I will want one. If she really was in love with me, in 3 years I could have decided I wanted another, but without that foundation knowing I'm the one for her too, I can't bring another child into the world. Thank you all.


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