# What to do when you feel like leaving but also feel like it’s your entire fault.



## settok (Mar 21, 2016)

I have been married for 4 years and I feel it’s about to fall apart and I am at fault. 

Not sure how in-depth to go with this, but when I first meet my wife I was young and had no relationship experience and had no idea what I wanted or needed out of a partner. Now that I am older and experienced I do know what I want and it’s not what I have, but I did say yes so it was my choice. 

I was never attracted to her, for some reason at the time we meet I thought that looks should not matter and if I cared what a woman looked like I was a bad man, so I ignored my feelings (bad idea). 

This is a complex subject for me as I have very conflicted feelings about this but at the time I was around 250lb and in my mind you don’t get to expect something in a partner that you can’t also provide so I felt I did not deserve someone I was attracted to because I was unattractive myself.

I think I need to clarify something now I have lost a lot of weight and am down to 148 this has caused conflict between us for some reason that I don’t understand. I have tried to get her to join me but nothing but resistance. 

I know it was my choice to change and she’s not required to do it or anything but now I am finally getting to a point I feel good about myself and my partner does not want to join me. Combine that with not really being attracted to her and I find myself in a place I don’t like, but it makes me feel like a jerk…. and maybe I am, I don’t know anymore.

Second is when we meet she had a job now she won’t get a job at all. I don’t care if is just a part time job I just want her to contribute we have always had money problems because of this and I just can’t do it alone anymore.

So that leaves me looking like the jerk for not wanting to stay with someone I never was attracted to and has no job. So again I feel like suppressing my feelings and just saying well it’s your fault and feel obliged to stay. 

I want to note I have told her all this so I may have caused irreparable damage, we say we are going to talk about it but it always turns out bad she is insulted and feels worthless so nothing gets resolved. 

I would love for her to say yes I will work with you on the issues but so far it’s just I want you to go back to your old self and I will never go back to fat me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would move on if I were you. You two are not evolving together.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

You leave. Staying with a wife you don't love hurts her more than you. Let her start over with someone who DOESN'T have a plan that will ruin her life. 

Want to stop being a jerk? Give her her life back. I wish my wife did it for me before it was too late.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I am more concerned about your weight. How tall are you? 148 lbs is very thin.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

First off, congratulations on your weight loss and taking the steps needed to get healthy and fit! When you are healthier and make healthier choices you feel better overall. So I am really happy for you there! But onto this..your first mistake was getting involved with someone you were not attracted to...you shouldn't have settled because you were unhappy with yourself. If she isn't wanting to have a healthy lifestyle with you, whether she was attractive or not, it would cause some disconnect because you two couldn't eat meals together or share some of the same hobbies. But let's take the weight out of the picture. Do you think she would be attractive to you if she were thinner? If you were obese still and she were to be thin, would you be attracted to her? Right now your wife probably feels like she made a mistake by not adapting this lifestyle with you but is afraid that it is too late to get started because you are already at your goals. She may be feeling so unhappy with herself and will get defensive when you bring it up, but has too much pride to admit that she has a problem and needs to fix it. Or maybe she is just happy being herself. Either way, you two are not on the same path and marriage counseling can really benefit here.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You sound pretty thin, are you sure you are a healthy weight? Is your wife staying home taking care of your children? I don't believe that you were never attracted to her. People don't marry other people if there isn't an attraction and chemistry. Unless you used her for a green card. I think now that you are thin you are thinking you have other options. I have lost a lot of weight but my husband is still overweight. I couldn't imagine getting a divorce over that. Seems shallow to me.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There are, unfortunately, people who marry without being attracted to their spouse. They tell themselves it isn't that important. Obviously, that's a very bad idea -- and they regret it later -- but it happens.


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