# A question of action.



## marriageordisaster (Feb 10, 2015)

So I am in a huge dilemma. A few years ago, my wife of about two years at the time went out drinking with some friends. She got pretty hammered. She wobbled in through the door. Before I could say anything she ripped her clothes and we had a great time. After we were happy and content (and tired). She went into the bathroom to get ready to go to sleep and clean up a bit. Her phone buzzed I picked it up and it was an ex. She had been talking to him prior to coming home for about an hour. There was a picture fully clothed sent and his response (which was the text she just received) was, "that wasn't the picture I was expecting. How about something better?" 
I got pissed and confronted her on it immediately. We fought and she said she would not talk to him again. the next morning we talked about it and I told her once again I didn't want her talking to this guy. She eventually said ok.
About a year later, we started to go through some really tough times. We fought all the time, practically argued every time we had a few minutes together. Money, jobs and life was an issue. It continued for a long time. She, to blow off steam went out with her friends again. All of which are single. Came home and when she went to the bathroom I went through her phone. She had sent a picture showing her pulling her shirt down a little, no nip but cleavage and bra. I didnt say anything until I had enough time to cool down. I brought it up later. The fight went nowhere and we ended up worse then we started. We had a rough time for at least two years of our so far five year relationship. Recently she went out again with her girlfriends and she called the same guy and they talked for half an hour. I brought it up again and we had a long talk. She tried to tell me they all talked to him and it was just friendly and catching up. The next day, I researched and used my friends in the police department found out where this guy lives and works. I went to his work and asked him for a little bit of his time. I asked him if he was f***ing my wife. He said no, it wasnt like that. They have been friends for a long time. Since high school. He said she talks to him about our relationship. He said they have never slept together. Found out he was a veteran too, and he was a pretty good guy. We got a long pretty well. Even inside me i thought if this guy wasnt trying to get with my wife I could see him and I being friends. I called up her best female friend spoke to her about the situation and got some advice from her. Both of these two I told I want to fix my marriage, and I will fight tooth and nail for it.
I dont know what it was inside me but I told her I forgive her for all the past transgression and I don't even care anymore, I just want our relationship to work and for us to move on. 
I haven't gone through her phones or anything and its been about a month. We have been getting a long very well, almost no fighting. We have been having sex, intimacy, kissing hugging and general signs of affection. I love this woman to death. I want it to work. 
Last week, before she went to work, she dropped her phone and shattered the screen. She asked me to fix her phone. I said sure. I ordered the pieces and they came in today. I fixed her phone and ran a few basic stuf like, network text updating and a few blos filters. I went into a few random apps to make sure they connected and one of them was an aim app. I really had no intention of snooping. Well, it logged in automatically and a conversation she had with this guy came up. she spoke to him about two weeks ago and told him that she missed him. Nothing else was saved. 

I am at a point where I dont want to live like this and feel like my wife is two timing me, but at the same time I feel as though our relationship is getting better. I forgive her regardless of what happened in the past, but if she continues this crap I will end it. I have no way of knowing if she is going to go back to her old ways or if we are going to fall apart again. I feel as though my bond to her is growing again. Should I just cut everything and be done or stay and see where it goes. I have tried to get her to go to counseling but she is completely against it. She told me directly to my face she is not talking to this guy anymore. Should I believe her or should I just see it as another one of her lies because she told me since our talk she hasnt spoken to him.

This road isnt just her issue. I had a few problems with my military service. I pushed her away for those two years and we had issues from her and from me. I just recently got on some medicine and have been going to counseling regularly. This has definitely helped me, and probably our relationship. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

We had our turn around fight, the fight that made our relationship start getting better on the 18th of last month. She told him she missed him on the 25 and she talked to him last on the 28th of last month, that I have found out. I haven't looked recently, but she does log out of her Facebook and any chat apps when she is done.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Go dark and into full on agent mulder mode.

Your wife has a pattern of (at least approaching) infidelity. You have to figure out what is really happening here, get your ducks in order, and then blow the whole thing wide open.

You're not ready for it yet. So gather data in a safe place, build yourself timelines of what she is doing vs what she is saying, and get your story ready -- she's going to attack it when you open this can of worms.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

She is going out drinking to the point of being wasted, sending pics to an ex, and talking to him for an hour and a half. You asked her to not talk to the guy. She disrespected you and did it not once, but twice more...that you know of. 

Stop confronting her. Back off for just a little bit and observe her behavior. It's very likely she hasn't stopped talking to the guy, she's just being a little more quiet with it. Normally, I don't jump to the "she's cheating" wagon, but the sending pics to the guy and him wanting "better" ones - as well as her continuing to talk to him behind your back are both major red flags. Your relationship is in distress, so she could very well be seeking comfort elsewhere.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Nothing is there dude. She isn't ready for marriage. Stop wishing for someone that isn't there. You deserve respect and commitment from a GF much more, a wife.

She has shown you she doesn't give a shyt. Don't have kids and dump the chump.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

marriageordisaster said:


> I went to his work and asked him for a little bit of his time. I asked him if he was f***ing my wife. He said no, it wasnt like that. They have been friends for a long time. Since high school. He said she talks to him about our relationship. He said they have never slept together. Found out he was a veteran too, and he was a pretty good guy. We got a long pretty well. Even inside me i thought if this guy wasnt trying to get with my wife I could see him and I being friends.


You asked him if he was f%%king your wife? Even if he was did you really expect him to say "oh yeah I've been banging her".

Seriously, you're not going to get the truth.

And he's a "pretty good guy" who you could be friends with? This guy is asking your wife for nude pictures. 

You really need to choose your friends better.

If it was me, I would not have asked questions. That's just week, and not productive. I would have verbally berated the guy and told him not to ever contact my wife again.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lenzi said:


> You asked him if he was f%%king your wife? Even if he was did you really expect him to say "oh yeah I've been banging her".
> 
> Seriously, you're not going to get the truth.
> 
> ...


Agreed. Betrays your 'nice guy' behaviour.

Dude, you're sending and asking for pics with my wife. You can do one of two things: stop, or not.

If you stop, I stop. If you don't, I won't.

And walk away.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

You communicated a boundary to this woman. She completely disrespected you by lying to you and indicating she would abide by it. 

You can continue to be treated like a doormat and a typical emasculated American male, or you can grow a set of testicles and dump her cheating ass before you knock her up.

The fact that your relationship is "rocky" (to put it mildly) even not taking into account her "cheating" activities means this is not the woman for you. Why continue to waste your time on someone who you are clearly not suited for (and vice-versa) when you could find someone else who doesn't want to send t*tty pics and f*ck other men?


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## marriageordisaster (Feb 10, 2015)

I do feel emasculated at times but honestly I am not much better as of Sunday night.After finding the texts, I had enough of her crap and in a little bit of rage I started talking to her sister. Her sister has always been a little into me. We never did anything until now. I am thinking about sending her the photo's I have, even though I promised her sister I wouldn't.Whatever her sister is better looking anyways. FML


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

First thing you have to do is stop blaming yourself. Yes, military can strain a marriage, but she knew this before you were married. Counseling, medicine, changing careers and being a better husband aren't going to stop a party girl from partying. You do realize, no matter what you did, continually texting men and sending pictures has nothing to do with you.


> I called up her best female friend spoke to her about the situation and got some advice from her. *Both of these two I told I want to fix my marriage,*


 If you plan on staying married to her NEVER do this again. They are her friend not yours.


Edit:


marriageordisaster said:


> I do feel emasculated at times but honestly I am not much better as of Sunday night.After finding the texts, I had enough of her crap and in a little bit of rage I started talking to her sister. Her sister has always been a little into me. We never did anything until now. I am thinking about sending her the photo's I have, even though I promised her sister I wouldn't.Whatever her sister is better looking anyways. FML


Alrighty then, I am out of this thread.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

marriageordisaster said:


> I am at a point where I dont want to live like this and feel like my wife is two timing me, but at the same time I feel as though our relationship is getting better. I forgive her regardless of what happened in the past, but if she continues this crap I will end it.


So if she was polishing his knob this whole time.....that wouldn't matter? As long as she's "mended her ways"?



> I have no way of knowing if she is going to go back to her old ways


Uhh yes you do!

Wife: Talks to OM
Hubby: Don't talk to OM
Wife: Okay (begrudgingly) 

Wife: Talks to OM
Hubby: Don't talk to OM
Wife: Okay (begrudgingly) 

Wife: Talks to OM
Hubby: Don't talk to OM
Wife: Okay (begrudgingly) 

Wife: Talks to OM
Hubby: Don't talk to OM
Wife: Okay (begrudgingly) 

At some point you might want to research what patterned behavior is....


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

marriageordisaster said:


> I do feel emasculated at times but honestly I am not much better as of Sunday night.After finding the texts, I had enough of her crap and in a little bit of rage I started talking to her sister. Her sister has always been a little into me. We never did anything until now. I am thinking about sending her the photo's I have, even though I promised her sister I wouldn't.Whatever her sister is better looking anyways. FML


hmmmm......seriously?!?!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Of course you're tired of living like this. It's a miserable and stressful way to live because you've fooled yourself into thinking that you can fix or control the situation. The reality is that it only takes one to destroy a relationship. If she's not actually stepping out on you then she's at least being extremely disrespectful to you. You really have to hold people accountable if you want them to treat you right. At this point your wife doesn't respect you and she hasn't for a long time. 

So here's the problem. It's hard to regain respect from someone who you've let treat you like a doormat (and she has done that). You will literally have to shock her into seeing you as a different man who's not going to deal with this type of life ever again. So tell her you can't live this way and that the two of you are splitting for a while until she can decide if she's willing to be the woman you need her to be and then proves it. Will this work? Well it's your best shot to either be free of her or to have her change into what you need.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

marriageordisaster said:


> I do feel emasculated at times but honestly I am not much better as of Sunday night.After finding the texts, I had enough of her crap and in a little bit of rage I started talking to her sister. Her sister has always been a little into me. We never did anything until now. I am thinking about sending her the photo's I have, even though I promised her sister I wouldn't.Whatever her sister is better looking anyways. FML


Dude I know you're angry and hurting, but seriously...

Just no.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

marriageordisaster said:


> Her sister has always been a little into me. We never did anything until now. I am thinking about sending her the photo's I have, even though I promised her sister I wouldn't.Whatever her sister is better looking anyways. FML


LOL you really know how to handle things.

Maybe you can do both of them at the same time.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

marriageordisaster said:


> I do feel emasculated at times but honestly I am not much better as of Sunday night.After finding the texts, I had enough of her crap and in a little bit of rage I started talking to her sister. Her sister has always been a little into me. We never did anything until now. I am thinking about sending her the photo's I have, even though I promised her sister I wouldn't.Whatever her sister is better looking anyways. FML


Dear Penthouse Forum, I NEVER thought I'd be writing to you.......


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

marriageordisaster said:


> I am thinking about sending her the photo's I have, even though I promised her sister I wouldn't.


Isn't that what social media sites are for?


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

Originally I thought you should set clear boundaries about what you are willing to put up with, then follow through if/when she crosses them (not just reset). But after the sister comment, I'd say neither one of you is really ready for marriage just yet. My 2-cents.


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