# Had the talk, what now



## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

My wife and I have been married 5 and a half years. She had a son from a previous relationship who only knows me as dad. We also have two daughters together 3 and two. When we got married we were in the process of moving across the country. Where we still live with no family around.

Two weeks ago out of the blue she told me she wanted a trial separation, and the from the next day on she has been cold as ice. I've never cheated or lied to her, gave her everything she wanted. She said I wasn't emotional enough with her or didn't give her enough affection. She wants to rent a studio apt and since I'm off during the week and she is off on weekends share it. So on my days off I will stay at our normal apartment and she will stay at the studio and visa versa so the kids aren't disrupted. She said she wants 6 months or more so we can grow as people then work on marriage. Or if she sees me changing she might come back sooner. She would not agree to no dating other people. I told her I wouldn't tolerate it. Said she wants to find her happiness again because she lost it trying to make me happy. She refuses to counseling. I asked her if she wants it to work in the end and she said if she can let go off the bitterness she has towards me but she doesn't know. She wants to do what makes everyone happy.

I immediately did the begging I'll change routine but soon figured out that was the wrong route. We did date about a year and a half before getting married. I dumped her should I say I didn't call her for a week and ignored her and she was already with someone else. She is no stranger to long distance emotional relationships.

She has not really had had any friends here until recently. She started her first steady job since we moved here about 6 months ago. Recently she started hanging out with them. Almost all of them are divorced an single moms. I know they all go out and party every week and weekend. So the last two weeks she has done nothing but go out to bars and stuff with these girls and has not come home I'dont even know where she's been staying. Maybe just blowing off steam, I don't know. 

She has a Facebook that I've never had access to but I looked and there are some new guys on there. I can't see her post bcc its private but I see them liking her picks and stuff. One she worked with at a previous job. 

The last four days she has been in Vegas with her long time friend from home who is a lesbian. I believe she could have been having an ea with her or someone else on Facebook. I believe she has very low self esteem to begin with. She is constantly posting selfies, craving attention. Her friends Facebook says Vegas here I come and my wife wrote back ahhhhh hmmmm. You mean xxxxxx here you come with blushing emojis. I wonder if something is going on there.

I'm just lost right now. I'm trying not to worry about what she is doing but it is hard. Should I do the 180. The studio she wants to rent, the lease is up in October. She said maybe we can live together then but she is not saying the separation is over. I was thinking if it doesn't change then I'm done with it. Any suggestions. 
We didnt really date before getting married. Did the long distance thing. Did she use me because I had a good job and had good character to be a father to her fatherless son. Is she cheating I have a million questions.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

She is cheating. All the signs are there.

If you want to know for sure, go into stealth mode and investigate. Go to the Coping with Infidelity subforum, and learn the various ways to catch her. Don't confront until you have hard evidence. And for the love of god, don't move out of your home! If she wants out, she can move out.

Sounds to me like she's done. I suggest starting the 180 to help you detach, and consult with a lawyer ASAP.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Yep, she's cheating.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

How long did you live together before getting engaged and married? This seems like yet another case of a marriage based on a long-distance relationship failing. Don't mean to be trivializing your problem - it is a big one. But how well does one really know someone with whom he's only gotten together for long weekends, or a week or so at best, and those periods of time together were in total vacation mode? That's not a real relationship. Anyone can present herself as normal and stable and sweet on the phone. Especially when she hasn't had to live with you day in, day out, both of you going to work, raising kids, paying bills.

I'm sorry you're here. Yes, she's cheating. I can't speak for whether she used you - she may have intended to be with you forever in the beginning, but those intentions were toward a man she only knew in the Fantasy Land of a long-distance relationship. I don't think she now finds the real you repulsive and it's your fault. I think she's emotionally immature at best and - yes, I'm going to play that card - a narcissist at worst. It's easy to miss that when your entire pre-marriage relationship is phoned in.

Follow ThreeStrikes' advice. It's the only way to go, here.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Sounds familiar...I am 43 and my wife is 35. Displaying many of the same signs as yours. Overnight I became the soul reason for her misery. Her friends were terrible, drunks, and provided an escape for her...This all started for me 7 weeks ago. 

Yes on the 180!!! Anything else will push her further away, in a similar vein read the article - "taking care of yourself during your spouses midlife crisis" - not saying your wife is in one but some of the signs are there. Even though she is young, research shows women can enter one in their 30s. Men mostly in their 40s. Does explain some of the irresponsible behaviors. 

At this stage she holds all the cards, but may believe those cards are worth more than they really are. My wife's so called friends ended up showing their real colors and now she even admits how horrible and disfunctional they are - she severed all ties with them. However, I knew this 18 months ago but she had to figure it out for herself. 

Food for thought: you're older and more established and most likely 'advise' your wife a lot when you think she is going down the wrong path on something. Unlike children, wives don't respond well to this, even though our intentions may be honorable. Things like this are some areas I realized probably compounded our issues to some extent. But, my wife, per what I have read and my IC has speculated is full blown MLC and I could look like Brad Pitt right now and she would still think I am a wad of cookie dough.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

We didn't live together before getting married. We got married while I was away training for my new job. 

I did ask her if there was something else going on and she got really defensive. She said I knew that's what you would think, that's why she made it clear it was about her feelings. Said that I didn't trust her because all I was worried about is she was gonna mess with someone else. 

That's the part I'm having a hard time with. Not worrying about what she is doing. I want it to work. Im going to counseling, got really involved with church. I want to give it a chance but I don't want to be an idiot hanging on if she's cheating the whole time


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ar2124 said:


> We didn't live together before getting married. We got married while I was away training for my new job.
> 
> *I did ask her if there was something else going on and she got really defensive. *She said I knew that's what you would think, that's why she made it clear it was about her feelings. Said that I didn't trust her because all I was worried about is she was gonna mess with someone else.
> 
> That's the part I'm having a hard time with. Not worrying about what she is doing. I want it to work. Im going to counseling, got really involved with church. I want to give it a chance but I don't want to be an idiot hanging on if she's cheating the whole time


What would your reaction be if she asked you if you were cheating?


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

Seemed like an obvious question to ask when she left. Especially with her Facebook being private and all. Before she left she would come home from work and sit on the couch and text the whole time, then she would go take a bath and sit in there on her phone the whole time. When I am around her now her phone goes off non stop with texts. Do girlfriends text that much. Or is it a guy going for the rebound.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ar2124 said:


> Seemed like an obvious question to ask when she left. Especially with her Facebook being private and all. Before she left she would come home from work and sit on the couch and text the whole time, then she would go take a bath and sit in there on her phone the whole time. When I am around her now her phone goes off non stop with texts. Do girlfriends text that much. Or is it a guy going for the rebound.


I think you missed my point. Since you're not cheating, your likely reaction would be, "what!? OMg, No!! I would never cheat on you! It's not about that at all!" Not, "How dare you think that!?" See the difference?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hire a PI and you will get all the questions answered.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

By the way...you aren't the 1st guy a bi sexual female married a good man to be the father of her child.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I think you missed my point. Since you're not cheating, your likely reaction would be, "what!? OMg, No!! I would never cheat on you! It's not about that at all!" Not, "How dare you think that!?" See the difference?


Your post is moot. she is obviously cheating. The only question is who and how many she's cheating with.

Get a lawyer, protect yourself and the kids. She's gone off the rails. Gone every night and now in Vegas with a Lesbian? You need to dump her even if there is a 1/2 half of one percent chance she isn't cheating.

Separate bank accounts. Check the cell phone bill if you have access. Pack her stuff for when she gets back.

Oh yeah, when she starts telling you she isn't cheating, tell her to stuff a sock in her lying pie hole>.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't know why you would want too stay with a wife and mother that's started acting like the town bicycle but if you want to save your marriage the only chance you have is to get strong, not mean, not nice and do the 180 on her. Act as if she's already gone and you will be fine with out her.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Yep. she is cheating on you. Looks like her "new" friends are very toxic. Her refusal on not to date during separation is a huge red flag. Do 180 and start thinking on your future. What do you want to do? Are you going to wait for here to come around? And definitely do not move out from you primary residence. Do you want to sleep in the bed where she might have had sex with OM?


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

I see your point. I don't want to think she has cheated yet. Maybe emotionally. I pretty sure she is at least talking to some one, flirty text type thing, she likes sexting maybe lunch. 

I want to confront her so bad and just say tell me the truth, but I know I can't do that. I'm at odds with myself because her whole issue is me opening up to her, now she doesn't want me to open up. So I have to use the same coping skill I'm trying to break.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Ar2124 said:


> I see your point. I don't want to think she has cheated yet. Maybe emotionally. I pretty sure she is at least talking to some one, flirty text type thing, she likes sexting maybe lunch.
> 
> I want to confront her so bad and just say tell me the truth, but I know I can't do that. I'm at odds with myself because her whole issue is me opening up to her, now she doesn't want me to open up. So I have to use the same coping skill I'm trying to break.


Look. when a wife, and a mother out of the blue wants to separate, it is not normal behavior. Cheating or not, at this point does not really matter. She dropped a bomb on you. Looks like she now into parting single mothers game and healthy family life is no longer appalling to her . She wants you to take care of the kids so she can enjoy her new founded freedom. Do you think you can reconcile? Can you happily live with this person for the rest of your life. Use your rational side, not emotional. Why do you want to confront her? What answer are you looking for? If she said "no, I do not have an affair", would you feel better. What about separation she demands? Would it be OK then? at this point, act wisely.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

The other prob is I work midnight. I need her to have the kids when I'm working. Three kids prob wouldn't be happy living in a studio apartment four days a week


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Ar2124 said:


> The other prob is I work midnight. I need her to have the kids when I'm working. Three kids prob wouldn't be happy living in a studio apartment four days a week


OK. Tell her to get proper accommodations then. It is her idea, not yours, right?


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

True. I have been very weak through all this and let her make all the rules


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Ar2124 said:


> I see your point. I don't want to think she has cheated yet. Maybe emotionally. I pretty sure she is at least talking to some one, flirty text type thing, she likes sexting maybe lunch.
> 
> I want to confront her so bad and just say tell me the truth, but I know I can't do that. I'm at odds with myself because her whole issue is me opening up to her, now she doesn't want me to open up. So I have to use the same coping skill I'm trying to break.


Her issue in not that you don't open up. That's the excuse right now so you blame yourself. Asking her for the truth right now will pretty much guarantee you won't get the truth. 

She wants no accountability, your the whole problem, at least that what she tells you and its often far from the truth. Separations generally never work. All that happens is you learn to live apart and in almost all cases one waits and the other has the time of there life. If your going to separate file for divorce, make it real. Divorce takes forever to start with. 

She doesn't get a trial run at "single" life. Marriage doesn't work that way. Either both of you work on the marriage and see if it can be saved or part ways. Your also going to have to play detective to figure out who she is having an affair with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

Thanks for all the great advice. This is helping me a lot. It's all just so hard to swallow. The thought of om is burning me up inside


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

So had a long talk with wife yesterday. She insisted that she is not seeing anyone. I told her that most the time when this happens the woman is having an affair or will. She says that's why she called the break before she got to angry and did find someone else. She still insists we are separated and she is single. But she says I should trust her. I think in her mind she thinks it is not an affair if she says we are seperated. I asked her to come to my baptism and she said she would come as a friend. I said we are not just friends we are husband and wife we are still married. She did open up and tell me how she felt and why. Said she does still have love for me and this is like my last chance. It is my job to win her back and show her the changes I made stuck. 

But I know I can't keep having these talks with her it keeps going in circles. I have always done most the cooking before I go to work at night. I do most the dishes and do laundry and put it away. I asked her if she ever noticed that. She said no it's gotta be done regardless. I asked her if she appreciated me doing any of that, any wife would probably be great full if there husband did the laundry once. She said no it doesn't do anything for her she doesn't see it as an act of love. That I would have to do it anyways i was single. That's not her " love language".

She said she needs words of affirmation that she looks good and stuff. I know her self esteem was always low, but could it be she is just one of those people that will never be happy. When I did give her compliments she never accepted them. No thank you babe or nothing. She'd be like no I don't look good and walk away. Or either a million questions like why do I look good what looks good why do you like that. 

She was happy where we lived at first then she hates it here. She gets a new car then always talks about which car she wants next. 
She takes selfies all day and post them. Is it possible that she is just an unappreciative person?Her self esteem is just so low she has to have her ego stroked all day by people clicking the like button on Facebook. I just don't understand this whole thing. I'm trying to do the 180 but still say little things here and there, she wants to see I'm consistent. Is she just totally screwed up and will never appreciate me? She even said don't say I'm a good provider cause I provid a roof and food because I would have to pay for a place to live in any ways. Are you kidding me. I pay all the bills, took her son without question and raised as my own provided insurance everything. 
I want my marriage to work, she was a good wife at once I just don't know if she will ever appreciate me, or anyone for that matter. I guess I will give it time , and if I get proof she is screwing around I'll give her the boot. I'm done worrying about what she is doing.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

to plicate a woman who strive to seek self enjoyment, to seek joy in the company other than her husband or family, who would rather drink with grilfriends and strange men then her own husband leaves one wondering if she sees you less then a man and more a fool, to be played over and over until she is done. up to now she has set the rules of engagement and you have followed them, how much longer until you rip yourself and your family away from this selfish human being. May be she will come back ,may be she won't.....either way let her know she left a strong man who will put up with her any longer she comes home or she is gone her choice. your choice is for your children and yourself.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ar2124 said:


> I told her that most the time when this happens the woman is having an affair or will. She says that's why she called the break before she got to angry and did find someone else. She still insists we are separated and she is single. But she says I should trust her. I think in her mind she thinks it is not an affair if she says we are seperated..


She can think whatever she wants. What *you* think about it is what is important to your decision making.

If you see it as cheating if she dates other men while separated (but still married), _it is cheating_. And you have every right to make decisions and take actions based on your judgments of her actions.

Now if you agree it isn't cheating if she screws other men while you two are separated, it isn't cheating.

If it were me, I'd set a solid boundary on this one with her. "You are entitled to your view, but I will not remain married to someone who insists on dating other men".

Generally I think it is a good move to file for divorce when a spouse insists on separation. It makes the point very real that either this is a full marriage or it is no marriage at all.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Ar2124 said:


> So had a long talk with wife yesterday. She insisted that she is not seeing anyone. I told her that most the time when this happens the woman is having an affair or will. She says that's why she called the break before she got to angry and did find someone else. She still insists we are separated and she is single. But she says I should trust her. I think in her mind she thinks it is not an affair if she says we are seperated. I asked her to come to my baptism and she said she would come as a friend. I said we are not just friends we are husband and wife we are still married. She did open up and tell me how she felt and why. Said she does still have love for me and this is like my last chance. It is my job to win her back and show her the changes I made stuck.
> 
> But I know I can't keep having these talks with her it keeps going in circles. I have always done most the cooking before I go to work at night. I do most the dishes and do laundry and put it away. I asked her if she ever noticed that. She said no it's gotta be done regardless. I asked her if she appreciated me doing any of that, any wife would probably be great full if there husband did the laundry once. She said no it doesn't do anything for her she doesn't see it as an act of love. That I would have to do it anyways i was single. That's not her " love language".
> 
> ...


Quit asking her if there is someone else. She wouldn't tell you if she was and all it does is make her sneakier is she is. 

Nothing you do is good enough for her, she doesn't appreciate anything you currently do. What is her plan if you aren't around? She claims you aren't a good provider, does she expect you to get a better job?

Its all about you and no accountability for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

I have a very good job. Makes me wonder if that's what attracted her in the first place. I made my boundaries on dating very clear I told her she knows what I won't tolerate, if she can't respect that we'll go from there. Om or not I think this is a test to see if she can make it without me. At this point she has no intention of working on my marriage. I feel like I'm caught in the trap of thinking if I change she'll come back and everything will be fine. And it could be but i have this feeling she's gonna do something that's gonna be u fixable. Even if it's unintentional, it's bound to happen if you hang out a bars enough. 

I wanted to separate our joint account, she flipped out and said ok let's legally separate and start paying me alimony and child support. 

Your right I do feel like I'm being played. She's probably trying to figure out how to set her self up without my income, right now there's no way she could afford her own place. Maybe that's why she is stringing me along


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If she won't agree to not dating, and she won't since she is already seeing someone, insist on divorce. Its your only chance of saving your marriage though slim.

Put a var in her car and check cell phone records. Look in the infidelity section for the standard evidence gathering thread. STOP saying anything about her cheating. It just makes it harder to catch.

Have you noticed how what she says she needs contradicts her actions.

Stop being her house maid, butler and cook. Look up the 180 and do it right. Youre being weak, needy and clingy. The last thing any woman wants.

Get some new,fashionable clothes. Start working out and going out alone. Do NOT move out, instead tell her to move in with her boyfriend. Man the f#ck up.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you get the two books linked to below?


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

Can't see the links what are they called


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell her you won't be paying her anything until a court makes the custody decision which you will be asking for full custody.

Why on earth would you warn her you were separating finances. Quit giving the farm away. Only consequences will wake her up.

By the way, can you get on the same shift as her? Different shifts and things like travel kill marriages.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Talk to a lawyer. Don't agree to anything without good legal advice. Even things like helping her to pay bills or setting up an informal child custody sharing plan will have very strong effects on any divorce proceedings.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

That's my mantra from now on, man up. I feel like I let her suck my confidence right out of me


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Ar2124 said:


> Can't see the links what are they called


Go to amazon and look up MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. Its a relationship guide. Also NOT JUST FRIENDS.

Also Google NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY free and see if that applies. Many men here find it spot on.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

Yeah in October I could go to day shift. Less money though and I might need it. The divorce rate is very high in my line of work, it does take a toll,


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## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

I'm seeing a lot of similarities in what your W is saying to you with my current situation. I'm at about 2 months separation that my W asked for. No kids but married over 6 years. Same story, "I think we need time to figure out who we are", the subject of dating while separated was a tough one, I always and still do suspect there is OM. I have full access to our cell phone accounts and have found out my W is texting non stop every day and night some dude. I don't know the whole story yet but it doesn't look good. 

I'm still trying to weather the "storm" I'm in but if I could offer a tiny bit of advice it would be to stay strong, I know it's tough but try to think about YOU and what YOU want. All the behaviors your W has exhibited before and during the separation think about that, is that something you can live with for the rest or your life? Concentrate on YOU and your KIDS now...that's what is really important. 

Your W sounds a lot like mine in that she wants some trial period away from the marriage to see if she can make it and see if there is something better out there. Maybe it will work out in the end maybe it wont but keep doing you and stay strong. Don't show weakness anymore when you talk to her, I spent too many weeks at the start of my separation showing weakness, when she finally saw the strength I found in myself she decided she would try MC (although I think it might be to late us). 

Good luck man, I'm rooting for you.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Ar2124 said:


> I have a very good job. Makes me wonder if that's what attracted her in the first place. I made my boundaries on dating very clear I told her she knows what I won't tolerate, if she can't respect that we'll go from there. Om or not I think this is a test to see if she can make it without me. At this point she has no intention of working on my marriage. I feel like I'm caught in the trap of thinking if I change she'll come back and everything will be fine. And it could be but i have this feeling she's gonna do something that's gonna be u fixable. Even if it's unintentional, it's bound to happen if you hang out a bars enough.
> 
> I wanted to separate our joint account, she flipped out and said ok let's legally separate and start paying me alimony and child support.
> 
> Your right I do feel like I'm being played. She's probably trying to figure out how to set her self up without my income, right now there's no way she could afford her own place. Maybe that's why she is stringing me along


You have only been married 5+ years, she will be disappointed that she probably will not get alimony. She may get some temp support during a divorce process but that's about it really. Depends on state you live in. Child support is a completely separate issue from divorce. 

This is probably why she wants to "play the field" for six months to find a new support system as cold as that sounds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Go talk to an attorney before you talk to her about the legalities of anything. She is making it up as she goes, going be what her girlfriends tell her she will get or has a right to.

Knowledge is power. The more you know and understand about the legalities of separation and divorce.... the better off you are in your discussions with her. Some states don't even recognize legal separation, and some require it before divorce. Do your homework....it will pay off. The sooner you do this, the sooner you can figure out finances, future ideas, etc... Get your focus on YOUR life, and the kids! Have fun with them....take them somewhere like the park or out for ice cream, or even in the backyard for a water fight.... and don't invite her. Live as if you are really, really separated.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* Anytime that you hear the phrase "trial separation" from a spouse, please beware!

It is nothing more than a license to get out of your physical sight so that covert "hanky-pinky" may run rampant, all without the least bit of your knowledge!

In layman's terms, it is preeminently little more than an engraved, star-studded "license to cheat" on one's spouse!*


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

She is showing you what she is. Believe it.

Why be in a relationship with someone who consistently devalues you?

Pull the plug, Ar. Trust me, I've been there. Its no way to live.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

And beware, things that you agree to during separation (in some states) can end up being what you are held to during the divorce. So be careful. THIS is why you need to seek an attorney. You don't have to divorce right now (altho I would) but you should know what is coming! 

On a good note, with the knowledge of a good divorce attorney you could get her to make agreements now while she is vulnerable and wanting OUT that will benefit you and the children. THIS is why you need the legal knowledge. You could steer this in your favor if she isn't interested in the marriage anyway.

And ya, you don't get a "trial separation". No vacation from the marriage. Either you are both working on the problem or it's over. Period.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

Thanks guys, the ww started texting me a lot today. Wonders why it is awkward around each other. Said She not asking me to let go but be a friend to her and be happy she is finding her happiness and herself . She is sorry for being so insensitive and wants us to start out as friends again and build up from there.

Then went to justifying her partying. That she doesn't neglect her responsibilities.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It's too bad you're still hung up on her. It means she has the power. With every word you write it's obvious you're hanging on for the next crumb from her. If I can see through your 180 she definitely can. You're way way to soft toward her.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Ar2124 said:


> Thanks guys, the ww started texting me a lot today. Wonders why it is awkward around each other. Said She not asking me to let go but be a friend to her and be happy she is finding her happiness and herself . She is sorry for being so insensitive and wants us to start out as friends again and build up from there.
> 
> Then went to justifying her partying. That she doesn't neglect her responsibilities.


And when she texted you immediately responded didn't you? If you did all that was accomplished was feeding her self centered ego right now. Its an easy game to fall into.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

There are enough red flags for cheating here that she could outfit a Communist Party convention.

It is always best to be a man, not a doormat. In this case, that means getting proof of her cheating, if you need it; I consider it 99%+ probability, since she is following the cheaters playbook to the letter.

Then get a divorce.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Ar2124 said:


> Thanks guys, the ww started texting me a lot today. Wonders why it is awkward around each other. Said She not asking me to let go but be a friend to her and be happy she is finding her happiness and herself . *She is sorry for being so insensitive and wants us to start out as friends again and build up from there.*
> 
> Then went to justifying her partying. That she doesn't neglect her responsibilities.


* The only thing that she really wants to do is to be "out-of-your-sight" and "out-of-your-mind" with other male friends, foremostly building erections with them much rather than rebuilding friendship with you!

Time to lose her skanky a$$ and to move right on with your own life! Both you and your kids deserve far better!*


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## Tall (Feb 19, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> It's too bad you're still hung up on her. It means she has the power. With every word you write it's obvious you're hanging on for the next crumb from her. If I can see through your 180 she definitely can. You're way way to soft toward her.


What he said. Except it's not about who has the power, or not.

It's about you.
a) You need to identify your own boundaries. What you are ok with, what you are not ok with
b) Then, you need to enforce those boundaries. You cannot control other people like your ex, but you can remove them from your life if they don't respect your boundaries

What this translates to:
Either you are ok with her living on her own, dating, flirting with and bedding other people, or you are not.
If you are not, then you need to tell her this is not ok.
If she does not respect your wish, you tell her "ok, that's your prerogative. I will have divorce papers ready next week. Going forward, we need to exchange information to get the divorce finalized and I expect us both to be professional about that. Apart from these practical considerations, there will be no communication. Bye."


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ar2124 said:


> Thanks guys, the ww started texting me a lot today. Wonders why it is awkward around each other. *Said She not asking me to let go but be a friend to her and be happy she is finding her happiness and herself . She is sorry for being so insensitive and wants us to start out as friends again and build up from there*.
> 
> Then went to justifying her partying. That she doesn't neglect her responsibilities.


Nope. This is bullsh*t. This is nothing more than her way of saying that she wants to keep you on the line as a Plan B, safety net, or whatever you want to call it while she's out sleeping around and partying. Don't bother calling her on it, though, because she won't admit it.

If she pulls this bullsh*t line out again, just tell her this...

"I've let you go. And, if you're happy, that's great. But we're not going to be friends. In fact, we're not going to be anything but co-parents to our daughters. Goodbye."

ETA: Oh, and tell her that she can keep her studio apartment/"bangpad" all to herself.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Just to clarify something you said: in a post you called her your WW (wayward wife) but do not have any evidence that she has cheated or is cheating at the moment. Why then do you refer to her as WW ? Is it because you think that she is going to cheat ?


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

If she hasn't yet she will, she is at the least talking to someone, she needs that ego builder at all times it seems , maybe has it lined up.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

And we are still living together she just doesn't come home on my days off, and I usually leave when she gets home the other days which makes it awkward.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ar2124 said:


> And we are still living together *she just doesn't come home on my days off*, and I usually leave when she gets home the other days which makes it awkward.


Uhhh... then where is she going?

And stop leaving! She wanted to separate, so let her be the one that leaves.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

Well successful 180 the last couple days. Now I find that her freeloading friend is coming over after I leave for work and drinking together and staying there washing all her clothes. Told the wife she is not welcome here and needs to get her stuff and leave. I think my she just blew me off, obviously has no respect for me, stuff is still there and there out drinking again. Obviously she is staying there tonight again. Talking to lawyer next week. All the advice is helping. I feel a little better everyday and starting to get pissed. It seems clear that she is done. We'll see what happens when I cut the funds off. She acts like she can't be away from this girl. Is it possible this is the other man?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ar2124 said:


> Well successful 180 the last couple days. Now I find that her freeloading friend is coming over after I leave for work and drinking together and staying there washing all her clothes. Told the wife she is not welcome here and needs to get her stuff and leave. I think my she just blew me off, obviously has no respect for me, stuff is still there and there out drinking again. Obviously she is staying there tonight again. Talking to lawyer next week. All the advice is helping. I feel a little better everyday and starting to get pissed. It seems clear that she is done. We'll see what happens when I cut the funds off. She acts like she can't be away from this girl. Is it possible this is the other man?


Yeah, it's possible.

As for all the stuff she (the "friend") keeps leaving over there, bag it all up into a big trash bag and either set it on the front porch or pull it up to the curb to be picked up w/ the rest of the trash.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

So just an update. Phone records revealed multiple numbers for texting, all day long. One from 730 in the morning to 1230 at night everyday, like a text every ten minutes. I was floored, I know I shouldn't have but I confronted her. Just a friend from from work. Then she went to blame shifting and I was wrong for snooping. So I told her I was going to divorce her. She started crying agreed to go to marriage counseling but continued to avoid the topic at hand. So things cooled off for a week or so and I was doing good at leaving her alone.
I did make my boundaries very clear at the beggining of this and it seems she hasn't respected one of them.

So then last week I find out she is on multiple dating sites since the day after she first left. She said she did it because she was mad and that she liked the attention. I told her that I was not putting up with it.She did erase them but I know that she she is still talking to the guys she has met but swears that she has never met any of them in person.

The kicker is when I found a seductive ad looking to meet girls that looks exactly like her and the girls she went to Vegas with. If it's not her then it's her twin. I thought I'd nailed her for sure. Anyways I showed her the ad and she says it's not her and she is done. I know after I seen the dating profiles, which was the same feeling as being cheated on, I let it consume me a bit , that what else is she doing. I shouldn't have showed her the ad but I could swear it is her but can't 100 percent prove it.

So she blew up at me and says she is done and wants a legal separation now, but wants to file it ourselves. Basically settle it out of court. I think this is to benefit her somehow. Should I just file for divorce? I don't know why I'm having such a hard time letting it go. In my mind I know the dating websites alone should be reason enough to file. Or should i do the legal seperation for a few months and leave her alone. 

I just keep taking one step forward and three steps back. It's just so painful. I feel like someone is punching me in the gut all day.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Ar2124 said:


> So just an update. Phone records revealed multiple numbers for texting, all day long. One from 730 in the morning to 1230 at night everyday, like a text every ten minutes. I was floored, I know I shouldn't have but I confronted her. Just a friend from from work. Then she went to blame shifting and I was wrong for snooping. So I told her I was going to divorce her. She started crying agreed to go to marriage counseling but continued to avoid the topic at hand. So things cooled off for a week or so and I was doing good at leaving her alone.
> I did make my boundaries very clear at the beggining of this and it seems she hasn't respected one of them.
> 
> So then last week I find out she is on multiple dating sites since the day after she first left. She said she did it because she was mad and that she liked the attention. I told her that I was not putting up with it.She did erase them but I know that she she is still talking to the guys she has met but swears that she has never met any of them in person.
> ...


Well since she has now decided it's done because you caught her cheating and it's your fault for snooping you should file for divorce and save her "the hassle". She probably wants to work out a settlement so the mud doesn't start slinging and her image doesn't get tarnished. 

If you can work an easy deal great but don't count on it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You can do a lot of research online to see what the local laws are as far as child support, child custody, and asset division. I presume the marriage is too short for alimony but do your research there, too.

You can use a mediator to get through disagreements rather than use attorneys to fight it out. It is to your benefit to come to agreement with her without using attorneys. But you might want to pay an attorney to at least review the final agreement before you sign any paperwork.

You can usually get a free 10 to 30 minute consultation with divorce attorneys. It is their way of bringing in new business. They will answer basic questions and tell you how things usually work for people in your situation. This would give you some good information at least, and possibly help you decide if you need to hire an attorney.

Do not agree to anything with her right now! If she makes a proposal on how much child support you should pay, how you will divvy up time with the kids, etc, just tell her you want to consider what she is proposing. Either consult with an attorney or do online research before agreeing. A mediator can provide you with some idea of what is required or typical, but they are not an attorney representing your individual best interest. So go a bit slowly, and don't agree to anything you aren't fully on board with.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

So she handed me a piece of notebook paper requesting what she wanted in the seperation. When I questioned some things she jumped down my throat so I walked out the door. Have only had normal conversation as needed about kids or whatever since then. 

So her half sister is in town for the week. She has been driving my wife's car dropping her off at work and picking her up. They have all been staying here. So two nights ago she raised hell bcc she had to watch the kids for a while for me. Said she wanted to go out with her sister who she never gets to see. This is the first time she has stayed here on my days since she left. So tonight she says her sister is picking her up from work and they are going to happy hour. Then they are going to hang out at her friends house house that she supposedly stays at. But her sister will probably come home and she will stay at her friends house (cause she never gets to see her sister)so they can just ride to work together in the morning. So her sister just showed up, after supposed happy hour to take a shower and get ready without wife. So this is all pretty shady. Where is wife? I've been in stealth mode and keeping my mouth shut. 
I want to call her and say what the he**. But I won't so I'm venting here instead. I was gonna ask her sister where she is but I'm not. 

As I'm finding a little strength I'm seeing more and more that she is making my decision for me. Should I lay down an ultimatum? I don't think that would do anything. Should I just pull the trigger and file.? Any advice would help. I think I'm still in denial.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

You are in denial man. You have been told what to do for 6 pages now and you won't do it. 

Separate your finances tell her since she wants freedom to screw other people to move out and for the love of God get a lawyer and file for divorce right now.

If you did not adopt her first kid from another relationship tell her to find a babysitter for it. Tell her she wants to separate from you, you will not be the babysitter for a kid that is not yours. 

Cramp her freedom. Only watch your kids, cut off her money from you. Expose to everyone you know, tell them she is cheating because come on man she is having nasty porn star sex with someone or multiple people. Get a good lawyer and have her served asap!!!


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

I know you love her son but man she knows she has you wrapped around her finger. She knows she can go screw half the town and you will be there. 

If you want any chance ANY you have to go full nuclear on her azz. Again on your nights off and she doesn't stay there tell her to take her son you will not watch him and if she leaves anyway call cps and have them come remove him cause she abandoned him.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Ar2124 said:


> So she handed me a piece of notebook paper requesting what she wanted in the seperation. When I questioned some things she jumped down my throat so I walked out the door. Have only had normal conversation as needed about kids or whatever since then.
> 
> So her half sister is in town for the week. She has been driving my wife's car dropping her off at work and picking her up. They have all been staying here. So two nights ago she raised hell bcc she had to watch the kids for a while for me. Said she wanted to go out with her sister who she never gets to see. This is the first time she has stayed here on my days since she left. So tonight she says her sister is picking her up from work and they are going to happy hour. Then they are going to hang out at her friends house house that she supposedly stays at. But her sister will probably come home and she will stay at her friends house (cause she never gets to see her sister)so they can just ride to work together in the morning. So her sister just showed up, after supposed happy hour to take a shower and get ready without wife. So this is all pretty shady. Where is wife? I've been in stealth mode and keeping my mouth shut.
> I want to call her and say what the he**. But I won't so I'm venting here instead. I was gonna ask her sister where she is but I'm not.
> ...


You should ask the sister, then when she lies toss her out of your home. She can stay with her sister at her "friends" house.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

AR, do not leave your home.

Do not sign any papers. Get yourself a lawyer. You file for divorce. Do not let her tell you what to do. 

Because you are going to screw yourself.

All this nonsense about filing for separation is to benefit herself. She has already decided she does not want to be married to you. No separation, get divorced. You cant continue to live your life based on what she wants. 

You take charge of this part of your life. You file. F**k her and kick her sister out. Wife not living in house, sister stays with her sister. 

Stop taking shi$. Stop being confused and weak minded. Stand up for you.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

Thanks, 
Your right, she mentioned before she would be able to keep her insurance, it does only benefit her. Thanks everyone for the advice and encouragement it really helps. 

The sad part is she hasn't even mentioned the kids or how this is effecting them ,or will for the rest of there lives, not once.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

right now she does not care about the kids she only cares about herself. get the lawyer right now and i agree kick her sister out of the house. lay the law down have her stuff packed and tell her to leave, she wants the seperation she can have it, make her beleive when she leaves its just a seperation and then BOOM hit her arse with divorce papers.

again do not watch her son show her there are ramifications to her leaving you.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Is Your wife bi-sexual ? Is that the shoe waiting to drop?

Dosn't matter, saw an article where a bi-sexual women marriaged to a man stated "cheating is cheating, period,". If your wife is it does raises issues going forward post divoce. Especially toxic friends in your children lives. This is not a "gay" issue. It is a chacter issue of the people around her. If she was involved with a person with a drug history the concerns would be the same. There are individuals who do cone out the other side that amaze me with their strengh and wisdom. 

You need to focus on those things you can prepare for: range of post divoce finances, possible child issues, day care. Baby steps, post here for advice.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

I haven't paid her her any attention for the last week or so. I'm getting things together to file next week, she doesn't know. We have had sex a few times during separation. So last night she texts me that she is lonely. And then today she ask me if I wanna get it in the near future, meaning like soon as we get a chance.
Is she just messing with me to keep me hanging on or what. She says its unemotional but I thought all women had some emotion. 
Or is it just sex?


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Ar2124 said:


> I haven't paid her her any attention for the last week or so. I'm getting things together to file next week, she doesn't know. We have had sex a few times during separation. So last night she texts me that she is lonely. And then today she ask me if I wanna get it in the near future, meaning like soon as we get a chance.
> Is she just messing with me to keep me hanging on or what. She says its unemotional but I thought all women had some emotion.
> Or is it just sex?


Bro, stop it with this woman now. She's probably having more sex than you've ever had in your life with her bachelorette pad. Just serve her, you don't have to go through with it but you have to end this ridiculous lifestyle. Imagine the absurdity of asking her for a bachelor pad where you could crash after going out on the weekends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

BrockLanders said:


> Bro, stop it with this woman now. She's probably having more sex than you've ever had in your life with her bachelorette pad. Just serve her, you don't have to go through with it but you have to end this ridiculous lifestyle. Imagine the absurdity of asking her for a bachelor pad where you could crash after going out on the weekends.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's times like these that I miss Machiavelli. That's all I got. Did you read the books?

Cheers,
V(13)


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Have to tell you that you are your worst enemy. Time and time again you keep playing in her hand and while I was reading this all I kept seeing was Charlie Brown trying to kick the football and Lucy yanking it away except in this case it's your own ass.

Look friend. Stop screwing her mainly because it's her weapon to use on you and you really don't know where it's been do you?

Get your lawyer, and finances squared away, have her served and tell her to hit the bricks. Try for custody since she can't keep the kids in a small place like that and above all, hand her all her things and tell her not to come back because your done. Don't talk to her unless it's about the kids and that's it. Either that or she's going to hang you out to dry.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You are not thinking clearly. What would you advise a friend to do who told you this story? You are behaving irrationally by letting her walk all over you and asking "should I file?", "what Should I do?". Then you say she contacts you and says "you wanna get you some real soon" or something to that effect? Doesn't this sound like a cheap romance novel? You answer "no I don't wanna get me some, what I want is to share intimacy with my loving wife not sex with the town harlot". Do you honestly even know where she's been or with whom? She could be infected with any number of STDs.

You are a father and have responsibilities, you cannot afford to get ill with some STD that she graciously shared with you. Your children need at least one parent that is responsible and that is why you need to disassociate yourself from her immediately. Also, if you are financing her trysts and GNO you must completely stop funding her party lifestyle immediately. Sir, she is playing you like a cheap fiddle and you are more than happy to accommodate, why? The world is full of decent, caring women, why would you waste another minute on one who is not?

You must open your eyes and realize that she is taking full advantage of you and you are allowing it, why? The only contact you should be having with her is regarding co-parenting and signing the D papers. Then you can find a woman who will respect and appreciate all that you bring to a relationship. This woman surely does not. Strength and good fortune.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

Your right I feel so used. earlier tonight she texted me that she wanted a jeep, I just laughed. When she got home she actually said she would have sex with me if I helped her get a jeep. I thought she was joking, she said she was dead serious. She was trying to talk me into it. I said he** no. She then preceded to act like a twelve year old because she can't get what she wants because of me. You guys are right, I know it has taken a while to open my eyes, but it still just blows my mind that my own wife could treat me like that. Or none the less treat another human being that way. 

I realize the person I married is dead and gone. I don't know who this monster is that replaced her.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You need to be a grown up to drive a jeep.

File for divorce. 

Stop having sex with her.

The only way you can consider staying with her is if she comes to you and says she knows she is messed up and needs direction, therapy, etc.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

Update-Talked to lawyer last week and retained. Have an appointment next week to file.
I just read through all my post and it is sad how weak I have been. I feel better that I have a direction and I know where this going now, even though it's still hard.

I think I'm finally getting angry. Last week on her days to watch kids she hired babysitters so she could go out and used her sister to babysit so she could go out on the weekend. One night she led me to believe she was going out with our neighbor, who she has never gone out with, then after she leaves she text me and says it's a girl from work that has the same name as our neighbor. She new I would ask the neighbor. She even asked me to zip her dress up for her. This was the night before the sex stuff. As usual I'm home tonight with the kids and she hasn't come home. 

The guys are still on Facebook, the texting is still there. She is using kik and snapchat now though. I just remembered when I ask her weeks ago about the guys from match on her fb her response was what if I just added them to check them out. Really? Found out she was talking to all these people on her b day and stayed at work for poker night and of course did not come home that night.

As I think of all the stuff she has done I don't feel sad or down anymore, I feel po'd, and just feel like I don't care anymore. Screw her. I know that there are still dark days ahead but now I'm feeling like I'm gonna make through. I just wish I would have took all the advice at the beginning of all of this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

A couple of things to keep in mind #1 you deserve good things and # 2 spend as much time with the kids as you can they will keep you grounded.

The kids have lost their mom so you are going to have to step it up.

From here on out its all business when it come to your STBXW....she deserves nothing but indifference from you when you walk out the door as you take the kids to the park, out to dinner or just a walk around the block.

Ya sure no one wants to put the kids in the middle ...but when mommy isn't home at bed time ...don't be fooled...they are smack in the middle of all her bull shyt.

Phuck her she needs to earn the right to be a mother...this part time crap just doesn't cut it, and if losing her kids is a consequence she has to face...then maybe she will think twice about the crap she is doing to these kids and in time she will turn a corner for these kids.

For now I would never trust a women you discript to watch my kids.
next thing you know you will come home and the homeless guy down the street will be in your kitchen making mac & cheese for one of your kids kids while her new boyfriend is playing find the candy in my pocket...all the while your old lady is passed out drunk from the night before !


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

WTF...she is a part time mom and even when it's her time she can't even step up to the plate! Going out and getting phucked is more important then her own kids!

Just so you know...the mother's boyfriend has the highest percentage of phucking with the kid. more then a family friend, family member or even a priest!

You have a better chance at keeping your kids safe in daycare then taking the chance of some POS from facebook coming over to watch your kids per your old ladies request so she can go find a couple to swing with.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Her kids are not her priority....and that would scare the shyt out of me!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing...when it's your turn for the studio...I hope you change the sheets.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

Yeah she's gone off the deep end. It is messed up she hires a babysitter on her nights with the kids so she can go out. If I didn't work night shift I'd keep them. Never got the studio by the way. When she is served I'm im just gonna tell her to get the f out


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

I finally filed today. Wife is freaking out and somehow this is me being selfish. Says I didn't give her the time and space to figure out if she wants to be with me. Which from what I seen is all she was figuring out was how to party and drink more. And seems when I asked her before about the co workers phone numbers she looked me in the eye and said she had never went any where with another man. Now she says they went out and had one beer together. Is this the typical trickle truth? 

At least I have some kind of direction. It's better than limbo hell. It's still hard though, I can feel those dark days creeping back in.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Yes, it is trickle truth.

Let her freak out. She chose this and did not expect consequences.

She expected wrong.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Ar2124 said:


> I finally filed today. Wife is freaking out and somehow this is me being selfish. Says I didn't give her the time and space to figure out if she wants to be with me. Which from what I seen is all she was figuring out was how to party and drink more. And seems when I asked her before about the co workers phone numbers she looked me in the eye and said she had never went any where with another man. Now she says they went out and had one beer together. Is this the typical trickle truth?
> 
> At least I have some kind of direction. It's better than limbo hell. It's still hard though, I can feel those dark days creeping back in.



Do you know what it feels like when someone is in love with you, is "into you" and is loyal to you?


It like telling the difference between a cold fresh glass of milk, from the sour milk in the fridge.

Once you get that you will have the same reaction to her manipulations as you do to the sour milk, and you will be stronger.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

So she is still trying to get me to change to a legal separation. She said that it was easier for me to file than ask her on a date, although she said the sight of my face makes her feel nothing but hate and to leave her the heck alone. She says I didn't fight hard enough for her. She trying to convince me to legally separate and it would be like we are dating. I think she is living in a fantasy, she is not even girlfriend material at this point. 

I think she still thinks she can control me and I'll break. She is still disappearing for days at a time and not calling or anything which is kinda nice at this point, but she is definitely not making any effort to rebuild trust or our marriage. She says she'll go to mc if I change to legal separation. 

It's obvious she doesn't love me (I know duh), but it's still hard to understand. I feel like she is trying to give me some kind of false hope by saying we could get back together one day, but she can't promise that. I feel that if she got me into legal separation she'd be fine living like that indefinitely. I just hate how she makes me feel bad when I take action and show her consequences. In the last two months she has done absolutely nothing to work on herself. It took me two months to get the going out for "one beer" out of her. 

Not going to lie I thought about the separation for a second, in the back of my mind I still want my family. But I can only imagine how much torture that would be. Anyways I'm gonna keep trying to stand firm.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Ar2124 said:


> So she is still trying to get me to change to a legal separation. * She said that it was easier for me to file than ask her on a date, although she said the sight of my face makes her feel nothing but hate and to leave her the heck alone. She says I didn't fight hard enough for her.* She trying to convince me to legally separate and it would be like we are dating. I think she is living in a fantasy, she is not even girlfriend material at this point.
> 
> I think she still thinks she can control me and I'll break. She is still disappearing for days at a time and not calling or anything which is kinda nice at this point, but she is definitely not making any effort to rebuild trust or our marriage. She says she'll go to mc if I change to legal separation.
> 
> ...


*That* sounds like the ravings of a mentally ill person. You need to protect yourself.

That means divorce, not legal separation. You should be carrying a VAR at all times when you deal with her, so she can't accuse you of something horrid.

You should also try to get custody of your children if possible, as they will not do well with such a lunatic as a parent.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Ar2124 said:


> So she is still trying to get me to change to a legal separation. She said that it was easier for me to file than ask her on a date, although she said the sight of my face makes her feel nothing but hate and to leave her the heck alone. She says I didn't fight hard enough for her. She trying to convince me to legally separate and it would be like we are dating. I think she is living in a fantasy, she is not even girlfriend material at this point.
> 
> I think she still thinks she can control me and I'll break. She is still disappearing for days at a time and not calling or anything which is kinda nice at this point, but she is definitely not making any effort to rebuild trust or our marriage. She says she'll go to mc if I change to legal separation.
> 
> ...


"I will not share my woman with another man and if she shares herself with another man she is no longer my woman!"

She wants to put you in a position to compete for her, it's manipulation pure and simple.

The level of her disrespect and disregard for you is breathtaking!

She has proven that she is not worth fighting for, If it were me I would tell my wayward partner that, but that's just me.

Stay strong you are doing well.

Take care.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

Your right she is trying to make me compete for her, I think at one point she said it was up to me to win her back. I shouldn't have to compete for my wife. I have started to question the mental part also, it's like she completely snapped or something.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm guessing the guy on the side isn't nearly as committed to her as she thought. She might be losing her mind knowing she is about to lose her security blanked(you) and the new boyfriend is just using her. It might be she is losing her shyt cuz she knows she has no were to go when this divorce is finalized.

She snapped alright.....she is slowly losing control and can no longer have her cake and eat it too.

If you think about it no one really wants her. Wouldn't you think that if some one else *really* wanted her she would be packing up her shyt and getting the hell out? In stead she disappears and when "they" get sick of her crap "they" send her on her way. So I imagine when she is getting thrown out the door she has no were else to go but back home to someone she hates.

I could be wrong and ya maybe she is just bat shyt crazy and belongs in a hospital.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Ar2124 said:


> I just hate how she makes me feel bad when I take action and show her consequences. In the last two months she has done absolutely nothing to work on herself. It took me two months to get the going out for "one beer" out of her.


If you keep communication with her, she'll keep gas-lighting you, and you'll continue to feel awful. By now, you know better than any of us that it is impossible to reason with her. Be strong, no more contact, and keep reminding yourself that someday you'll be glad to be rid of her.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Ar2124 said:


> Your right she is trying to make me compete for her, I think at one point she said it was up to me to win her back. I shouldn't have to compete for my wife. I have started to question the mental part also, it's like she completely snapped or something.


She doesn't really care if you compete for her. She currently just wants to have fun and have you as a backup plan. She very ridiculously claims that you didn't compete hard enough for her: standard blame shifting. 

Before your marriage deteriorated, I guess that you always knew that she is rather self-centered.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

You've already filed for Divorce. Stay on that path. She'll throw tantrums, threaten you, and try to hoover you back with sex. Ignore it. You deserve better, not some slvt throwing herself at you in a desperate attempt to gain control over you.

Just stay on the path. Stay firm. Waves are coming. Stay steady.

There's no need to stalk her phone or FB. You already know everything you need to know. You don't need the mental anguish of gathering more evidence.

It's time to start living as if you are already divorced. Do not engage her, unless it's about the kids. Stay unemotional. Calm, cool, collected. Don't argue with her. Don't fall for her sweet talk. 

Remember: she is a liar.

Separate your finances. Pay only for those things that you are legally obligated to pay for. If you haven't already, cancel joint credit cards and checking accounts.

Put the focus on you and your kids. Get into shape (exercise is a mood enhancer). Be a great Dad. Rediscover an old hobby. Rekindle old friendships.

Many of us have been through very similar circumstances, and I think all of us would tell you this: your life will get better.

The sooner you get this D done, the better for you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Steve hit the nail righ on the head.....the greater distance you keep between the two of you the better off you will be.

The way I see it, the less you interact, the less you will feel awful. So every time she approaches you tell her " if this is not about the kids then we have nothing to say to each others".

Tell her you are done listening to her insults and name calling.

Face it....she has plenty of people to vent her frustration to... She can go talk to them and leave you the hell alone.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Limit communications to two subjects: children and the weather.

Also, sad to say it, your problem is not just your personal pain and disappointment. Your STBXW is so messed up that you are going to have problems keeping her on track as a parent over the long term.

It is telling that she was not impressed by all the work you did at home. She is divorced from reality, leaving you no choice. You must divorce her to avoid being in her dysfunctional wonderland.

She may in some twisted way believe she can bang a lot of guys, get it out of her system and return to wonderland, where you will be waiting for her.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

Just been feeling down the last couple of days. I'm finding the simplest task hard to accomplish. I'll try to do chores around the house to stay busy and by the end of the day I realize I didn't accomplish anything. All I did was pace around back and forth. I've been in IC for two months and that's really helping. 

Fil finally called and as to be expected he didn't know about the texting or dating websites or anything. He just heard I was crazy and stalking her phone and email and that I never found anything. He was cool though. I did ask her one more time to come home, even though she has never really left, and she said I can't give her an ultimatum or tell her when to feel something. 

She has been amicable but I just try to ignore her. Then she says I'm not noticing the signs she is giving me that she still cares. Should I acknowledge these "signs". I think she is being nice just not to fight. I probably have been an a hole but I feel she deserves it. She has mentioned going to MC but always makes sure to say she is not promising anything and it could make us better co-parents if anything. She still says I need to let her alone and let her figure out what she wants to do. 

I have been doing a lot of work on myself. I feel like I am bringing myself up and she is going downhill, so at this point if we got back together it could be a disaster. Since I have no hardcore proof she physically cheated,the emotional cheating is enough for me anyway, was wondering if some women just do get emotionally burnt out and need a brake. I think she is definitely hooked on this Facebook friend, whenever I have asked her about him she lies and says he's not on there anymore when I know he is. I think he is military and is deployed but she has a history of long distance relationships. He does live here though. 



Anyways she flew back home for a few days maybe her father can talk some since in to her. I was thinking back and it seems she has a history of partying. She failed out of college because she got caught up in the bar seen, and then wound up pregnant. Before we started dating she was living with her parents and her father kicked her out for the same thing I believe. I think this is a pattern she has.

Wow this was gonna be a short post, needed to vent a little I guess. It's just hard, all my family and friends live across the entire country. I did read something someone wrote that really hit me.
In time people will always show you there true colors. Some people just show the colors you don't like, remove those people from your life. Love yourself, have faith and know your worth. Those who truly care and truly matter will be around through the hardships, not just the shine.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You're doing the best you can. You should just tell her that she needs IC before you can contemplate MC.


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## Ar2124 (Jul 12, 2015)

So just an update. Wife quit leaving on my days off last week and now says she wants to work things out. We had a good couple of days together but then She has admitted to an EA with a co worker and swears it never went physical, just sexting. this is the same guy she says she had one beer with. I asked the ?s I could think of the first night, she seemed willing to answer. The day after she seems to get mad if I ask questions about it. She says she has stopped everything. She also says this was while we were seperated, so should I still make a big deal about it.

I told her before and now that I need full access to her phone, online accounts everything. She won't hand over her phone and says I'm being crazy wanting to go through all her stuff,thinks I should take her word, basically sit back and see if she messes up. She still won't wear her wedding rings yet and said she agreed to work on our relationship.

I don't see any remorse from her. I don't think she feels bad about it. I thought if she came back it would be all hugs and kisses but that's not the case .She is nice towards me most of the time but not loving. I'm not sure I'm happy she is back. I still have questions and she won't answer them. I felt better when I was dead set on the d. I feel that her heart is not 100 percent in this. 

So should I give the MC a try since she says she wants to work on it. And what do you think proper protocol would be to reconcile after an EA.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Dude...
If she can't be transparent imo you are wasting your time.
You said she isn't acting remorseful there is your answer.
You can do much better.


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

Are you ok with her actively dating other men?



Ar2124 said:


> So just an update. Wife quit leaving on my days off last week and now says she wants to work things out. We had a good couple of days together but then She has admitted to an EA with a co worker and swears it never went physical, just sexting. this is the same guy she says she had one beer with. I asked the ?s I could think of the first night, she seemed willing to answer. The day after she seems to get mad if I ask questions about it. She says she has stopped everything. She also says this was while we were seperated, so should I still make a big deal about it.
> 
> I told her before and now that I need full access to her phone, online accounts everything. She won't hand over her phone and says I'm being crazy wanting to go through all her stuff,thinks I should take her word, basically sit back and see if she messes up. She still won't wear her wedding rings yet and said she agreed to work on our relationship.
> 
> ...


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Ar2124 said:


> So just an update. Wife quit leaving on my days off last week and now says she wants to work things out. We had a good couple of days together but then She has admitted to an EA with a co worker and swears it never went physical, just sexting. this is the same guy she says she had one beer with. I asked the ?s I could think of the first night, she seemed willing to answer. The day after she seems to get mad if I ask questions about it. She says she has stopped everything. She also says this was while we were separated, so should I still make a big deal about it.
> 
> I told her before and now that I need full access to her phone, online accounts everything. She won't hand over her phone and says I'm being crazy wanting to go through all her stuff,thinks I should take her word, basically sit back and see if she messes up. She still won't wear her wedding rings yet and said she agreed to work on our relationship.
> 
> ...


You are doing well, mate. You posted a month ago that you could see how weak you had been, well we are all weak when we are blindsided. 

I would you to consider this. If you deserted her and the kids for a few month, played the field and partied when you were to have you time with the kids, do you think you would have the right to set the reconciliation? Also, what you would think of your wife if she accepted that you could set the terms?

She has behaved very badly, but cannot accept this. Therefore, she has to blame you. This is typical behavior. I recall a relationship I was in, in which my gf suggested relationship counselling, I said not until she started to pull her weight. In hindsight, it was one thing I got exactly right. She is also assuming that the MC will automatically take the woman's side and the with she is right (in which case, you're buggered) or she is wrong and after messing you around you end up looking weak as the MC has to be firm instead.

Do you want this relationship as it is now? The answer should be **** no. What would you ideally want and how could she conclusively prove that to you? Well, you only offered a compromise and she threw it back in your face. I am not saying completely give up (99% perhaps), but accept it looks pretty dead as it stands. You should look at exactly what you want from a relationship with a woman. If your think your ex-wife is the best one to offer that, go for it.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> You are doing well, mate. You posted a month ago that you could see how weak you had been, well we are all weak when we are blindsided.
> 
> I would you to consider this. If you deserted her and the kids for a few month, played the field and partied when you were to have you time with the kids, do you think you would have the right to set the reconciliation? Also, what you would think of your wife if she accepted that you could set the terms?
> 
> ...


Short version: Do not let her talk to you like that. Tell her to **** off.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The problem now is not her. It's you. If you don't man up you'll get more of the same. Believe me there are much better women out there.

Do you like living like this? You should be able to see what every one else is. She's out having sex with others while you watch the kids. Cheaters lie, deceive and hide.

She's already left you and is looking for a better replacement. 

No wedding rings, it's ok to cheat because you were separated, no transparency with her phone etc.

You should have filed yesterday. You have no future here unless you like being a doormat until she dumps you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> The problem now is not her. It's you. If you don't man up you'll get more of the same. Believe me there are much better women out there.
> 
> Do you like living like this? You should be able to see what every one else is. She's out having sex with others while you watch the kids. Cheaters lie, deceive and hide.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

Read these!!!

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

Books by Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life

You can thank me later:wink2:


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Also, the nature of TAM is there are a few people who post the same advice to pretty much everything:
- Try really listening
- Men find it really hard not to be selfish, this poor woman
- Divorce

In this case, you actually should leave. You have your kids, so you also want to be a good example to your kids. How would you want them to behave if they were in your position? I imagine the answer would be to leave, with what dignity you have and as little spite as you can manage.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Next time the mention of sex comes up tell her you're afraid of catching an STD. 

Under the circumstances it wouldn't hurt for you to get tested.

Send her the bill.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ar2124 said:


> So just an update. Wife quit leaving on my days off last week and now says she wants to work things out. We had a good couple of days together but then She has admitted to an EA with a co worker and swears it never went physical, just sexting. this is the same guy she says she had one beer with. I asked the ?s I could think of the first night, she seemed willing to answer. The day after she seems to get mad if I ask questions about it. She says she has stopped everything. She also says this was while we were seperated, so should I still make a big deal about it.
> 
> I told her before and now that I need full access to her phone, online accounts everything. She won't hand over her phone and says I'm being crazy wanting to go through all her stuff,thinks I should take her word, basically sit back and see if she messes up. She still won't wear her wedding rings yet and said she agreed to work on our relationship.
> 
> ...



She's lying. They've f*cked.

Is she guarding her phone at all times? Taking it to the bathroom w/ her? Sleeping w/ it?

A couple of other things for you to consider...

* Their relationship likely predates your separation.

* The only reason that she now wants to "work things out" is because she and OM have broken up. That or OM isn't currently in a position in which he can date her openly.

Anyway, no point in MC for as long as she's lying, not to mention having regular contact w/ OM.


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## Needtodecide (Sep 19, 2015)

Any new developements?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

She basically is telling you indirectly take it or leave it.....the ball is in your court what you do now will dictate the relationship going forward....are you the man of the house or the doormat.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I am sure there is a condition, syndrome, dystrophy or some such tag for the ailment that plagues you but I have to say that I have rarely seen someone as delusional as you appear to be. This woman is carousing around town for months, neglecting her children, treating you like dirt and manipulating you like a piece of soft clay. The only logical conclusion is that you like it and glean some sort of pleasure from it. Why else would someone put up with someone so blatantly disregarding their feelings, their health, their pain? 

Sometimes folks on here say they need a 2x4 to gain the attention of the BS but I don't know how much harder anyone here could hit you than your wife already has and you just come back for more. Usually Gus has a face plant symbol or some such thing in a case like this. If ever it was needed it is now.

Where do you suppose she was all those nights she did not come home? Having a sleepover at a friends house? Is she 12?
A mother out all night leaving her children with babysitters, sisters, whomever she can, so she can go out and "party" and you wonder if you should take her back, even in light of her total lack of remorse and contrition? You cannot be serious. I can only hope you are not also financing all of this because that would indeed be mind boggling. I have never seen anyone so befitting the term doormat. May I ask why you are accepting this from her? She tried to proposition you so you would buy her a jeep!!! All of the conflict in your marriage, your family and her life and what is a priority in her mind is trading sex for a jeep??? If she happens to pull up one day in a jeep you should perhaps ask who she traded with to get it.

I am a stranger in an anonymous forum but it has caused me significant pain reading what you are going through and I cannot figure out why you are allowing it. There simply must be something you have not disclosed that keeps you there taking her mistreatment. I hope for your sake and your children's that you figure it out and are able to rid yourself of this manipulative, selfish child in a woman's body. I sincerely wish you good fortune.


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