# Wife is leaving me.....how to be?



## AmericanFarmer (Jul 8, 2015)

Hi all,

My wife of 5 years has announced that she is leaving me. There have been a number of issues in our 12 year relationship, which I thought had been dealt with. Some her, some me but either way lessons were learnt (eventually) and we moved on together. We have 3 kids, all under 6. The leaving has come as a bit of a shock. My wife says that she has been feeling this way for a few years, even though during that time we had an active sex life and our 3rd child was born. She recently met someone at work who she got very friendly and in her words "fell for" which made her realise that she doesn't fell that way about me. The classic line "I love you but am not in love with you" came from her mouth at this point.
I know that she is not having an intimate relationship with the guy at work and has calmed things down since I found out.

I don't want to go into details about our problems in the relationship as I don't feel it fair on her/us to put such sensitive and personal information on the WWW. 

What I don't understand though is that through the first stages of her saying she is leaving there was still hugging and kissing, which I asked to stop as I couldn't handle the pain knowing that she was still planning on leaving. Lot's of this type of behavior also led me to thinking that maybe she wasn't actually going - when I mentioned that I was getting mixed messages (cuddling in bed, kisses on the lips when leaving the house, hugs, "I love you"s etc she would get annoyed and say that it was habit and that she would try and stop. It has once again though been me that has stopped this as I can't cope mentally with this sort of affection knowing that she is still leaving. Currently I am sleeping downstairs and she sleeps in our bed - very much my decision.


At the moment she is sorting out where to live and the financial aspects etc. We are still very friendly and civil towards each other. Make each other Coffee, meals, watch tv together and have also had a few nights out where we have laughed, danced, looked deep into each others eyes while we talk etc - just like when we first met.
The other day we held each other closely because we are both going through hell and I know she is hurting and likewise she knows I am. It is just like she has put up a barrier when it comes to lettting her love for me out. She is still determined to leave and has also said that she thinks she may be making the biggest mistake of her life.

I have always been supportive of her and still am even though she is leaving. We are planning 50/50 with the kids and also going to make sure we still do activities as a family. We are both committed to making this as painless for our kids as possible.

I find the situation so difficult. I am trying to be as happy and positive as I can around her, trying my best to do 180 but the unknown is killing me. Plus am I doing the right thing by this. She says she has to leave yet I still feel that she has had an idea and then lots of advice from people who don't know us as a family who have told her she will be fine and maybe now she feels she has to go through with it.

Has anyone been in this sort of situation before and offer some advice and hopefully some success stories!

People see us out together and always comment what an amazing couple we are. I don't understand how we can be splitting up and she is giving up on me when we are such good friends etc, or am I missing something?

Apart from the lack of physical affection / sex our relationship is a little awkward obviously but we still talk a lot and when we both let our guards down we have an amazing time together.

Any advice, experience or (helpful) comments would be really appreciated as I want our marriage to work more than anything but am afraid I might not be doing the right thing


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

it sounds as if she has definitely made up her mind and any attempt at working to stay together is not even a consideration for her right now. 

You sound as if you would like to work things out but I also sense that, although surprised by her decision, you also are at least accepting that she is leaving based on past relationship problems you alluded to.

Is separation with the option to try to work through issues for a possible reconciliation on the table?

Whatever happens, with three small children, their needs should be uppermost in the minds and actions for both of you.

What do you want right now? And what do you need right now? What you want may not be possible. What you need should focus on the practical and the realistic.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Maneo said:


> it sounds as if she has definitely made up her mind and any attempt at working to stay together is not even a consideration for her right now.
> 
> You sound as if you would like to work things out but I also sense that, although surprised by her decision, you also are at least accepting that she is leaving based on past relationship problems you alluded to.
> 
> ...


Magneto said it well. It sounds like this decision is still pretty new as well. Having started my own similar scenario just six weeks ago, you will need some space as well to look at it objectively. Set some ground rules for the separation(mutually agreed to) that make reconciliation a possibility while you both sort things out in your head and heart. 

You can only follow the 180 so much given you have kids and given you have an amicable relationship at this point which fine initially, modify it as needed but do make sure you pull away to some extent so your own processing can begin. 

I hope it works out for you, it may seem as though this is strange, sadly your story fits a pattern I just wrote about on another thread - seems to be more common than we all thought. Take care of you and the kids first and foremost!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Stop acting like a couple is the first thing you need to do. In order for you to become detached, you need to start living your life for you.

If she wants to separate from you, the consequences should be that you stop treating her like your partner. Acting like your a couple will only confuse the situation, and this is something you need to keep reminding yourself.

Be amicable but start going out more and do things for yourself around the home. Go out with friends for meals. You need to do this because you still have feelings. If you did not, then spending time with her would not be an issue.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

180 time.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You need a girlfriend. You don't have to be lonely at farmers only dot com!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Stop acting like a couple is the first thing you need to do. In order for you to become detached, you need to start living your life for you.
> 
> If she wants to separate from you, the consequences should be that you stop treating her like your partner. Acting like your a couple will only confuse the situation, and this is something you need to keep reminding yourself.
> 
> Be amicable but start going out more and do things for yourself around the home. Go out with friends for meals. You need to do this because you still have feelings. If you did not, then spending time with her would not be an issue.


Yep!

She let herself connect emotionally with another man, she had all the new feelings, and he is possibly meeting some of her emotional needs now. As long as that is the case you do not have a chance and cannot compete.

If you chase her now you will only chase her away, The 180 is your only hope. You will feel unkind detaching from her emotionally but that is what you must do. Can you do that?

She needs to start tasting your absence NOW.

She is leaving you so she can peruse this or another new relationship, try to understand that.

Her saying "I am making the biggest mistake of my life" is the kind of thing a cheater says to their betrayed spouse to lead them on and give them false hope. Sometimes they think it helps to soften the blow. I might wrap a lead pipe in a towel to soften the blow when I hit you on the head, don't take it for more than it is worth. Do not fall for it, it is very common. I am sorry

If you start moving on (like meeting other women, not saying dating yet) you will become more attractive to her, like you were in the beginning, a man with options so to speak.

I really wish you well, take care.


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