# New & Need Advice



## JBM2019

Hello,

So long story short, I have been married for 13 years and and about 4 years ago I noticed my wife had really gotten in social media like facebook and instagram etc... I had started to get suspicious when she started keeping her phone with her just walking around the house guarding it like a hawk. So one morning I looked through the phone and found several suggestive text messages, no pics sent just messages. I confronted her and she explained it away as just coworker humor sort of stuff....So since then things havent been the same, seems like we are married with 2 separate lives, no sex or intimacy ever but she seems to enjoy all the benefits of marriage such as combined finances and childcare help so she has more free time. Over the last several years I have discovered her messaging, texting and even mailing people. Ive tried to overlook it for our kids sake but it happened again this morning. She thinks i'm crazy and looking too far into this issue. I personally think ive overlooked it far too long and am now seriously considering divorce. After all we dont have any intimacy anymore, all we do is share parenting responsibilities. I guess Im just looking for advice...Thank you


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## ButtPunch

JBM

Stand up for yourself. You have a right to be happy too.
It looks like she's cheating at least emotionally if not physically.
I would definitely be considering divorce too.


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## notmyjamie

I'm so sorry you find yourself here but it's a good place for advice. It doesn't really matter if she thinks ok to be flirting and messaging other guys and having no intimacy with your spouse while married. YOU don't think it's ok and you don't have to live with it. As I see it, you have three choices:

A) Continue to live with it. If you choose this, know that nothing will change except to get worse.
2)Tell her you want a divorce. This may or may not prompt her to change her ways, but I doubt it will unfortunately. Either way, have the divorce papers ready.
d)Spend a little time investigating if she is in an EA or a PA or both. If it will help you in court take the time. If it won't, move on and just start divorce proceedings. 

You don't want to waste years and years of your life with her. If you've made it clear to her that this is not what you want from her and from marriage she shouldn't be shocked to be handed divorce papers. 

There's a saying I use with my husband, who I gave many chances to, and who didn't use them. "If you didn't fight for something when you had the chance, you can't then cry about it when it's gone."

Good luck!!!


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## TJW

JBM2019 said:


> we are married with 2 separate lives, no sex or intimacy ever but she seems to enjoy all the benefits of marriage such as combined finances and childcare help so she has more free time.


The world is full of people who are "cake eaters".... who want the benefits of marriage financially, assistively, and otherwise, but prefer to have their "fun" with someone outside the marriage. In that fantasy-relationship, they can only see the other person at his/her best, without encumbrances such as children, work, bills, which are "downers".

You are, without question, your wife's "plan B provider guy", while someone else is her "plan A fun guy". There may, or may not be actual sex between them at this point.

I don't blame you for not wanting to be this. BTDT, and it's very maddening.
Expose your wife to her family, her friends, her church, any and all adult people. Do not tell your kids or any children. They shouldn't be required to handle adult issues.
Expose the affair they are having to the wife of the OM, also.

Before you make any moves at all, go to a lawyer and find out exactly where you will stand if, and when, you divorce. Make an informed decision, not one based upon your anger and hurt.


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## TJW

notmyjamie said:


> Spend a little time investigating if she is in an EA or a PA or both. If it will help you in court take the time. If it won't, move on and just start divorce proceedings.


In my own case, living in a "no-fault" state, it wouldn't have altered the outcome at all..... my lawyer told me to not waste my time and money on it.


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## Steve2.0

Based on what you read, does it seem like something is happening? Have you seen it all?
There are apps that you can install that let you see deleted text messages. If she has an Iphone you could even do a local backup (****, tell her its just incase you get a new phone) then you can copy the file and use those programs against it to find out whats been deleted.

Would she be scared if you talked the same way to girls? Maybe she isnt worried that you have potential out in the world... 

Once i caught my wife flirting with a guy over text. My reaction wasnt to say "stop it and respect me" - it was "Ohhhhh, OK, i didnt know it was OK for us to talk to the opposite sex like that.. good to know" - As I walked away she chased me down crying. If she didnt KNOW that I could find a younger and hotter version of her then she might have not cared at all.

Go read 'no more mr. nice guy'

I would also recommend trying to find out how deep this goes.


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## BluesPower

No, not much doubt here... 

My brother, your wife is, and apparently has been, having an affair for a long time. 

My question is why would you ever think that texting a "co-worker" thing is OK? I mean it took you four years to figure out something is wrong here? 

If you look at your phone bill, and do all the standard evidence gathering, you will find that she is having an affair. 

This is about 99.99999%. 

Why have you stood for this for so long? 

There are a lot of books to read after you bust her for her affair and hopefully file for divorce. Four years is a LONG affair. But yes, "no more mr nice guy" is a good place to start. 

She is just using you for a baby sitter and probably primary bill payer. 

You need to figure out why you thought this was an OK way for a marriage to be? You really need to figure out what that is about...


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## niceguy47460

Man up and see a lawyer asap . get mad and file for divorce asap . she is cheating so you need to move on . blow it up to everyone at the same time . she has been doing it for 4 years and is not going to stop .


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## notmyjamie

TJW said:


> In my own case, living in a "no-fault" state, it wouldn't have altered the outcome at all..... my lawyer told me to not waste my time and money on it.


That's what I was trying to say. I guess I could have worded it better. There is no point if it's not going to help you in the divorce settlement. Just go on with the divorce and get your life back sooner.


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## JBM2019

Im 100% new to forums so I dont know if this is the best way to say it but thank you all for your replies and advice. I have tried to make it work for the last few years because I want my children to grow up around their parents. I grew up in a broken household and I dont want that for them. Also, I kept hope that we would get passed all this and get back to the old days...which never happened. I have also done extensive work investigating our phone records and such and theirs always a excuse for whatever was found. Ive never dealt with a cheating gf or spouse before and I wouldve never thought my wife would be one of those people. thanks again everyone it helped me a lot.


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## farsidejunky

*Re: New &amp; Need Advice*

Be honest with yourself. 

Even if she's not cheating, is this the type of marriage you signed up for?

If not, why is cheating necessary for you to consider ending it?

Those are important things to mull around in your head.

In the meantime, you need to start investigating. She has a boyfriend.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## BluesPower

JBM2019 said:


> Im 100% new to forums so I dont know if this is the best way to say it but thank you all for your replies and advice. I have tried to make it work for the last few years because I want my children to grow up around their parents. I grew up in a broken household and I dont want that for them. Also, I kept hope that we would get passed all this and get back to the old days...which never happened. I have also done extensive work investigating our phone records and such and theirs always a excuse for whatever was found. Ive never dealt with a cheating gf or spouse before and I wouldve never thought my wife would be one of those people. thanks again everyone it helped me a lot.


You need to do more reading in general. However, rule number one is that you NEVER confront until you have incontrovertible PROOF, aka a smoking gun.

If you really need proof to end this sham of a marriage, just hire a PI. The way she is going you will have concrete proof in a few days at most. 

So if you care, keep your mouth shut until you have proof. In your case I don't know why you have stayed this long cheating or not. 

Now, if you file and she says she wants to work on the Marriage, have her take a poly graph at the very least. 

But I think you just need to end it, she has been cheating on you for a while...


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