# Separation, a transfer of power from DS to BS ?



## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

Background:

1 yr ago discovered wife's EA/PA
Soft approach taken (didn't work ) (surprise)
Probably not as invested in R as I needed to be
We agreed to separate Jan 2012
Sold house Apr 2012 (sale closes Aug 2012)
Found 2 places (2 miles apart)
Ex wife and I on good pretty good terms
Kids doing relatively well
OM left wife recently (he has 3 kids too)
OM lives 300 miles away
Ex wife and OM still in touch, long distance relationship

Point of my post:

Wondered why though everything going in the direction I thought ex wife wanted she seems so unhappy, drinking more... seems counter-intuitive (if your marriage sucked and OM was great... things should be looking up for you...)

Wondered why I feel better and better each day

Thoughts:

Before separation, during R phase, she had all the power: 2 men wanted her 0 women wanted me ; she knew what was going on I had to rely on what she told me ; I had 0 control she had all the control... LIMBO this really sucked for me

Now, she must own how her decisions affected her and her family, ultimately long distance relationship will not be ideal or fail, people look at her and treat her differently...

The family (albeit a separated one) and connection to it I have more if not most control of, messaging to children and people we know is under my control (facts are facts), I have not broken up our life, she has.

I find all this psychologically amazing to watch unfold: though everything appeared to go the way she wanted, she is not happy, though things appeared not to go the way I wanted, I am quite happy.

I wonder if cake eating for a DS provides a strong sense of power and control and separation removes all that power and control and gives it to BS

Never experienced anything like this...

Crazy...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She got what she wanted and now she's reaping its harvest.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I'm happy for you, the karma bus never stops.

Only if a WS can realize this before stepping outside of the marriage.....


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

You may be on to something.

I left my CS since he refused to leave, so for the time being he resides in the marital home and I have a nice place to rent while things get worked out on the legal end. I have an excellent relationship with our son, and also with my step-son (his from a prior marriage). 

CS is miserable, although he is still trying to date and meet OW on sites, such as craiglists and other dating sites (I have seen the ads, and printed them for my lawyer).

On Mother's Day, HE wanted to take me out to dinner. I don't know why. He sent me an email; no talk about love, missing me, etc., just what HE wanted. He recently received the papers from the lawyer in regards to alimony (28 year marriage here), so I suspect he wanted to bully me into giving him information, which I will not do at this time.

But yes, you have a valid and interesting point. I'm doing fine without him. He appears to be needy and wanting validation (?) or something. He continues to look for other women so I can only assume he hasn't been very successful in his search - and he lost his wife.

Yes, I do feel that I have the power now and that he no longer can control my life. I'll be interested to read what others have experienced.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

A majority of infidelity is all fantasy, for some rare.....few waywards the fog clears and they realize the fantasy and they get back into the M. Often the fantasy is not realized until the damage is unrepairable, and the betrayed moves on.

So in short when the power is generated by fantasy then it is false power. What sucks is at the time when the infelity comes to light both the BS LS don't realize it and hence the soft approach is taken by the betrayed and the wayward believes the grass is greener.

Thats why I'm a firm believer in tough approuches, pushing the wayward further away so that there are true and real consequences for the waywards fantasy.

Granted all of this is a case by case basis, but for the must part pushing the wayward away/or into the arms of the AP often bring to light that the AP is not all that great.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

the guy said:


> A majority of infidelity is all fantasy, for some rare.....few waywards the fog clears and they realize the fantasy and they get back into the M. Often the fantasy is not realized until the damage is unrepairable, and the betrayed moves on.
> 
> So in short when the power is generated by fantasy then it is false power. What sucks is at the time when the infelity comes to light both the BS LS don't realize it and hence the soft approach is taken by the betrayed and the wayward believes the grass is greener.
> 
> ...


I love how you put that. And all responses here. "You reap what you sow!" Happy for this guy it work out so well. No... the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence! I wish more would realize just what they have and by cheating, what they stand to loose... everything that can make them happy. Marriage is a commitment, and is sometimes hard work, but in the end... it pays! Hence, 'reap what you sow!' Smiles!!!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Reality hit home.
It is just what it is.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

the guy said:


> A majority of infidelity is all fantasy, for some rare.....few waywards the fog clears and they realize the fantasy and they get back into the M. Often the fantasy is not realized until the damage is unrepairable, and the betrayed moves on.
> 
> So in short when the power is generated by fantasy then it is false power. What sucks is at the time when the infelity comes to light both the BS LS don't realize it and hence the soft approach is taken by the betrayed and the wayward believes the grass is greener.


I do think you're on to something here. To add a couple thoughts:

* The WS seems much more likely to be the 'more impulsive' partner in the M. Living in the moment and only for themselves would nicely compliment a lesser awareness (and interest to know) of what hard work and long term investment goes into building a M and a corresponding life together. Makes it mentally easier to risk it all / throw it all away if you ignore the risk/costs in the first place.

* If the WS is 'more grasshopper and less ant', then it will be a RUDE shock when they suddenly have to do without the support provided by the BS.. (which they have probably been taking for granted and disrespecting them to others for). A mindset that would explain the "woah is me, I'm the victim here" mentality when they get cut off/kicked to the curb.

Sadly, when it comes to women cheating on their husbands, most are very quick to use the kids and their custody of them both to extort from their husbands and shield them from having face the full consequences of what they done. (This does not go both ways - the US court system is incredibly biased and against fathers )

* You can expect that for a long time after D, the WS will blame the BS for any and all shortcoming in their current life situations.

My own ex- fits this description to a 'T'. I made very sure during the D that she was fully set-up and got everything she said she wanted, and document the heck out of it. What I was sadly counting was her inability to do long term planning, and wanted to be able to throw up a brick wall when (as I was sure at the time) she would come running back screaming that "this isn't what I really wanted/what you promised. Change it/give me something else NOW!" I had to be careful as she was using my kids as weapons, so I got to say (over and over) that she got exactly what she wanted. 


She got primary custody of out kids (she played dirty, and this is why she got everything else on the list)
She got a small house on 2 acres the country ("What I really always wanted" she declared), which was down the road from the private school she was sure was the perfect place to send our children to. 
She got a brand new car (small SUV) with an 8-year/120k mile warranty (the "old" one needed too much maintenance). 
She got most of the furniture from the 4,500 sq ft house we had just sold (she went on crazy shopping sprees for that house)
She got specific new furniture for the kids rooms in the new house.
She got NONE of the debt (nearly $100k) (Positive assets had been wiped out mostly by her over the prior 8 years)
She got 2/3rds of my Retirement (wasn't too huge, $40k of $60K)
She got Alimony and Child Support that was enough to cover all of her expenses ($50k/yr) (if she was reasonable)
She got Health Insurance (COBRA, excellent coverage) for 3 years

Want to guess how that all turned out for her? (hint: lots of Karma) (I have to go, will answer this later)


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