# I want to fix this, but not sure how?



## Plucky Duckling (Feb 12, 2013)

Hi group,

I'm here with the goal of salvaging my marriage and getting some good advice. My wife (33) and I (32) were dating for 3.5 years before we were married 2 years ago. Love at first sight, we were inseparable and all that good stuff even up to the wedding. Now again, we've now been married for only two years, but right around the time of wedding and a few months afterwards, I went through a series of layoffs (worked in financial services industry). During the layoffs, I started to slip in and out of a depression and unknowingly went into that F*** the world phase. Unfortunately, my wife got the brunt of my attitude. I was NEVER physically abusive, but I did say some mean things that I wish I could take back.

Fast forward to this past December 10th, where we had an argument about how she was tired of my attitude and "thinks she has had enough of it". Unfortunately her telling me that lately she's thought about us being a "compatible match" and even "thought about separation" is what grab my attention and immediately made me can my pity party. Since the conversation, I've made a lot of changes. I'm now seeing a therapist to help me manage my emotions and displaced anger, doing a ton if not all the housework and just flat out trying to be a nicer person to be around. All of this has been consistent for the last two months. No relapses.

Now where it gets dicey is that my wife really has her heels dug in the ground and is still upset. We will go out in groups, we still sleep in the same bed (no intimacy), and will kind of laugh and joke while we're watching our favorite tv shows, but when I try to resume some sort of normalcy like hug and kiss, she'll take the hug and turn her head with the kiss. I've asked her why is she still being cold with me when I'm really busting my hump to change and she replied "I still don't know how I feel about us. I do love you and I see that you are changing and I wish I could reciprocate, but you were just so tough to deal with over the last year and a half that I don't know if I have any more to give."

Obviously there are a lot more details, but this is essentially the picture. I do believe that my wife loves me and wants to stay married. She's very direct and opinionated and I have to believe that during these last two months if she wanted to leave (or me leave), she would have left.

I just want to make sure that I do the right things and ask the right questions to help the healing process. Is a 2 month cooling off period normal? 

Bonus: Both of our parents are still married to their original spouses. Hers 38 years, and mine 35. No infidelity on either side and no gambling or alcohol problems or addictions. No kids in the picture either.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So you were an azzhole for years and you want her to get past it after you've had therapy for like 2 months?

You've done years of damage and I'd guess she's waiting to see if the new you is going to last

She needs time. Tell her you understand that and you'd also like to get some counseling with her because you know that you've caused her some damage a d that you'll wit for her to feel comfortable before resuming a physical relationship
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Plucky Duckling (Feb 12, 2013)

When you say it like that, yes I guess it's the crux.

I'm really not making excuses when I say I was not really aware that I was being rude and distant. It's almost ironic that after all the layoffs, the only way it made since to me was my wife basically saying she was going to "fire" me. I was very obsessed with work and it took a toll on us. 

I'm a rookie to this marriage game, but I want to be the person that learns from his mistakes and the mistakes of others to ensure that my wife and I can stay together forever.

What it bizarre is that we never fought or had those stupid two week break ups up when we were dating, we were literally the "perfect couple". I see glimmers of it now and again of the last two months, but then I see her catching herself. I don't want to be that guy that's like "I'm a changed man baby trust me", but I really do believe that I've learned (learning) from my mistakes.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

You are on the right track. Good for you for opening your eyes and taking responsibility. It often takes a swift kick in the butt to get there. Be patient. She needs to trust you are for real and not just making temporary appeasements. You need to prove it by being consistent over time. It wont happen in a few short months.


----------



## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

The bottom line is that you damaged her SEVERELY by your words and actions for a VERY long time and she's lost all capability of trying anymore. But you can fix this.

Let me use the popular "Love Bank" analogy. Assume your wife has an internal "Love Bank". The higher the balance in the love bank, the more she is able to give of herself to the marriage. You put deposits in this bank by being loving, understanding, and fulfilling her emotional needs. When things go badly, or you hurt her, you make withdrawals. And she herself takes out HUGE withdrawals to find the energy to try and fix her marriage. 

When there's too many withdrawals and not enough deposits over a long period of time, you reach a negative balance. When she's in this position, she CANNOT find the energy to fix things anymore, sometimes to even feel love for you anymore, because the balance is now in the negative (and to make it worse, when your bank account is in the red, there's over the limit fees that makes each new withdrawal cost you even more than before).

So what I'm saying is, your wife may be TOO far into the red in her Love Bank to be capable of feeling, and doing anything _right now_. *When* she comes back will depend on A) How far gone she is; and B) How good of a job you do from now on; and C) How consistent you can stay being good. 

It's especially important right now you show your integrity when it comes to your commitment for _absolute_ change for the better. Try your best to never make a withdrawal from her Love Bank right now, because no matter the progress you've made, you'll instantly go back into the red. This will happen until you can rebuild her trust in you.

Research a woman's core needs (I liked Men are from Mars, Women from Venus) and do your best to fulfill them as much as possible. Don't expect too much from her right now. Your only focus should be trying to save your marriage and bring her back to a place of wanting to try again. Try to keep prideful thoughts away and dedicate yourself to your wife. She will DEFINITELY notice the change, and be quicker to respond.

Good luck to you, and good job taking charge of the situation doing all you can to fix it


----------



## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Patience and consistency in your behaviors are two things that will eventually turn things for the better. I caused a huge rift in my marriage almost two years ago that completely knocked intimacy out of play. It's still not back yet and there are still ups and downs, but things are slowly getting better. 

Your marriage is new and you seem to want to genuinely change things around. Give your wife time to see that the evolving 'new' you is real. She's in self preservation mode and it's too soon for her to determine if your new patterns are going to stick or not. The rejection from her probably hurts, but just imagine how she must have felt when she was your emotional punching bag. 

Hang in there, stay focused and be there for her.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

ComicBookLady said:


> The bottom line is that you damaged her SEVERELY by your words and actions for a VERY long time and she's lost all capability of trying anymore. But you can fix this.
> 
> Let me use the popular "Love Bank" analogy. Assume your wife has an internal "Love Bank". The higher the balance in the love bank, the more she is able to give of herself to the marriage. You put deposits in this bank by being loving, understanding, and fulfilling her emotional needs. When things go badly, or you hurt her, you make withdrawals. And she herself takes out HUGE withdrawals to find the energy to try and fix her marriage.
> 
> ...


Yes, this is exactly where your focus needs to be.


----------



## Plucky Duckling (Feb 12, 2013)

You guys are giving great advice and I really appreciate it. I didn't come here for a kumbuya, but the cold hard truth and you are giving it to me. Thanks. I guess you're right that patience is the key right now. All of your points have been great, but ComicBookLady's "Don't expect too much from her right now. Your only focus should be trying to save your marriage and bring her back to a place of wanting to try again." is really resonating with me at the moment. I definitely think my priorities haven't been inline as I've been focused on her and not the marriage.

Any Do's/Don'ts in the interim? Also what does "space" actually mean? I feel like i'm teetering the line of being disconnected by giving her space.


----------



## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Plucky Duckling said:


> Any Do's/Don'ts in the interim? Also what does "space" actually mean? I feel like i'm teetering the line of being disconnected by giving her space.


In your wife's case, I think that "space" means not pushing the physical intimacy part too much and too soon. Give her time to see how you've changed and focus on strengthening your connection with her. Take her out on dates again, make her feel special and let her see that you are really there for her and the marriage.

At the same time, I think that she needs to see that you are confident in spite of the setbacks that have been happening and that she can rely on you as a full partner in the relationship and not as the outlet for your frustrations. Work out, meditate, or find some other way to productively deal with your stressors. So far, she's still with you, so treat it like the second chance that it is. Go slow and stay positive.


----------



## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Plucky Duckling said:


> You guys are giving great advice and I really appreciate it. I didn't come here for a kumbuya, but the cold hard truth and you are giving it to me. Thanks. I guess you're right that patience is the key right now. All of your points have been great, but ComicBookLady's "Don't expect too much from her right now. Your only focus should be trying to save your marriage and bring her back to a place of wanting to try again." is really resonating with me at the moment. I definitely think my priorities haven't been inline as I've been focused on her and not the marriage.
> 
> Any Do's/Don'ts in the interim? Also what does "space" actually mean? I feel like i'm teetering the line of being disconnected by giving her space.


You sound like you're in a great mindset to move your marriage forward into a new positive direction  You don't know how rare that is!

Some Do's/Don'ts:

*DON'T *let your pride get in the way of making things better. She's incredibly hurt right now and may say some stupid things that will may you want to retaliate. Keep your defenses in check and recognize that it's NOT your wife speaking, it's the years of pain and resentment, and it's trying to come out (which is a good thing, I'll get to that)

*DO* Validate her when she starts expressing those hurt feelings. It's critical.

I will attempt to explain why it's critical, but that takes understanding what might be happening with your wife, so bear with me.

Imagine that during your difficult time your wife was feeling SO much hurt that when she found you guys couldn't fix things, she had no option but to try and escape the pain. She did this by throwing up a mental wall that keeps her from feeling that pain. But that wall has the bad side effect of numbing other feelings as well. Namely her love for you, and her ability to want to try for her marriage. Those things still exist, but the Wall keeps her from feeling them. You NEED that wall to come down for things to get better.

By consistently treating her better, imagine that you are brick by brick, taking down that wall of hers. But kind of like Jenga, at some point you'll pull a brick down, and the ENTIRE wall will crumble. This is when EVERYTHING she's been holding back behind her wall will be felt by her in full force, and come out verbally at you. The feelings stuck behind that wall have festered and become something really ugly, and you need to be prepared that she'll have difficulty controlling the things she says to you. TRY NOT TO REACT BADLY. Stay calm, be quiet, listen, and don't argue. _Let her get it out._ Do your best to ignore the intensity of her emotions, and understand where her true pain lies (which is likely "You hurt me so badly honey, and I don't know what to do). 

Once you find her feelings, this is finally your golden ticket to validate her core issues with what happened and help her get on the path to healing (if you need tips on validation, let me know). 

This is a critical time when it happens. Because once the flood of pain and resentment that initially came out is taken care of, the rest of what was behind the wall can come back out. And that will include her desire/ energy to make things work again.

When will the flood of emotions happen? I don't know. That depends again on how strong the wall she put up is and how long she's been behind it. Honestly, I do not think you'll have too much of a wait, I've seen cases on these forums where the wall has been up decades. 

*DO* give her Space. While she's behind the wall/in the red, don't try and force her to talk about things. Don't show frustration or anything negative, focus on showing her that her husband is there and ready to hear her when she's ready. Don't push her to make things better on her end YET. Be supportive, and steadfastly ready for when she decides it's time.

Sorry that was so long!


----------



## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Also I agree with TM84 in that you need to take care of yourself right now too. Don't feel ashamed or too bad for going through a rough time in your life. That happens to everyone. You need to focus on healing too!

Be confident in your ability to take control of things like you did and change it all for the better. That takes some serious inner strength!

Also about the sex thing, women cannot feel sexual want unless their emotional needs are met. So it will take time.


----------



## Plucky Duckling (Feb 12, 2013)

ComicBookLady said:


> You sound like you're in a great mindset to move your marriage forward into a new positive direction  You don't know how rare that is!
> 
> Some Do's/Don'ts:
> 
> ...


Not too long lol!

I'm not sure how the forgiveness process works, but we're definitely in and possibly leaving the place where she's very angry and saying kinda hurtful things like "I feel like such an idiot for letting you just say and do what you want over the last year and a half with no regard for me'. Last week we finally had a talk where she didn't yell or curse at me and then we had second talk later int eh week that was also calm. At the end of the conversation I was like "So how do you feel? What's going through your mind? How can I help us?" and she responded " I do love and I don't want you to think that I don't, but I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm seriously battling if we're salvageable and then when I do think we are, I question if I have any more energy to put into this".

I feel that we're at such a critical and sensitive place that one step in the right or wrong direction will define our future.

Another side note that I think is important is that In my honest opinion of my wife and how she handles things, I truly believe that we'd be past this if she didn't start seeing this life coach (not a therapist). Once of her coworkers recommended this lady to my wife as the coworker felt she helped her. Now I'm not being a hypocrite for seeking help, but I have noticed that whenever she goes to her life coach she come home so angry and her resentment seems to refill. I asked my wife "You seem to come home angry when you see your person, do you mind if I ask what you talk about and why you get angry?" She just responded "She told me not to talk to you about our sessions and to be honest you probably don't want to know what we talk about".


----------



## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Plucky Duckling said:


> Not too long lol!
> 
> I'm not sure how the forgiveness process works, but we're definitely in and possibly leaving the place where she's very angry and saying kinda hurtful things like "I feel like such an idiot for letting you just say and do what you want over the last year and a half with no regard for me'. Last week we finally had a talk where she didn't yell or curse at me and then we had second talk later int eh week that was also calm. At the end of the conversation I was like "So how do you feel? What's going through your mind? How can I help us?" and she responded " I do love and I don't want you to think that I don't, but I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm seriously battling if we're salvageable and then when I do think we are, I question if I have any more energy to put into this".


GOOD! That means she's already begun the process of coming out from behind the wall. Good job taking care of things there!

When she says "I do love you and I don't want you to think that I don't, but I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm seriously battling if we're salvageable and then when I do think we are, I question if I have any more energy to put into this"

She is basically saying " I am still hurt and not trusting that you have changed completely yet. I am still scared you will go back to the way things were "

She's scared if you flip back, because her energy to solve things is depleted, and she doesn't want to go through it again.

Validate this by saying "I'm sorry my actions have caused your energy to be depleted. I understand you cannot go through that again. I hope I can win back your trust in our marriage". Believe me, her energy will come back once you've shown her you have no intent to change back



> I feel that we're at such a critical and sensitive place that one step in the right or wrong direction will define our future.


I think even if you made a mistake along the road, it would not be too late. Just make sure you rectify those mistakes immediately and atone for it to her. I see signs that she's not too far removed from the marriage that a few slip ups would mean the complete end. So keep doing your best, but don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself to be _perfect_. Nobody is 



> Another side note that I think is important is that In my honest opinion of my wife and how she handles things, I truly believe that we'd be past this if she didn't start seeing this life coach (not a therapist). Once of her coworkers recommended this lady to my wife as the coworker felt she helped her. Now I'm not being a hypocrite for seeking help, but I have noticed that whenever she goes to her life coach she come home so angry and her resentment seems to refill. I asked my wife "You seem to come home angry when you see your person, do you mind if I ask what you talk about and why you get angry?" She just responded "She told me not to talk to you about our sessions and to be honest you probably don't want to know what we talk about".


To me, sounds like the therapist is helping tear down her walls in those sessions, and so she feels the intensity of the pain at those times, then comes home feeling that anger and resentment.

I absolutely feel she needs to come to YOU with those feelings so you can validate and heal them for her. The Therapist is allowing her to vent, and helps her sort through her feelings, but YOU are needed to heal those wounds.

So I disagree with the therapist in that she shouldn't talk to you about what was said (but I'm not a therapist, so I may just not get his reasoning). You need to be a recipient to those feelings as well, to help her move past those feelings.

While demanding her to not see the therapist or making clear your displeasure will do no good, you can continue to try and get her to open up about the hurt feelings felt in those therapy sessions. 

When she says "You probably don't want to know what we talk about" that is your window to say "I DO want to know. I want to know and understand the damage I've caused you. Please open up to me and let me hear it."

You can also be open and tell her you're worried because you want to be there for her when she's feeling those intense emotions (which is not judging her on her therapy). She may let you go with her/open up to you.

ANYWAY, you sound like you're on the right track :smthumbup: Stay vigilant on yourself to control your responses to her, and everything will eventually be okay.


----------



## Plucky Duckling (Feb 12, 2013)

This is good advice! I really appreciate it. What' tough is this is so defeating as I'm trying so hard not getting anything back in return. I guess I am getting something as she hasn't left yet. Our parent were right when they said Marriage Aint Easy.

In terms of Valentine's Day, I'm showing her that I care, but I don't want to go too over the top as I'm sure she can't really handle that right now and also in preservation of myself should she not like an all out effort. Basically flowers, hand written cards with things that I love about her and us and then making her favorite dinner.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Wow my husband and I went through this, here's what's probably going thru her head. She is afraid it won't last. Oh he's been doing so good but she's thinking...when will he go back to his old ways. It is hard to put those walls down. The more my husband did the more I thought it was a tactic...Now listen. This is not 100% your fault. She may have been treating you certain ways to have gotten you to being that way. In other words ok..My husband was angry alot, telling what to do, made me feel like anything I did wasn't good enough. I really really applaud you for your changes btw..ok back to my story..the past couple years I felt like it was hopeless.. well I went and found my ex highschool boyfriend on facebook and had an emotional affair..about a month later I kicked hubby out after a huge fight. At the time he did not know about my EA. So he woke up and changed big time. He was so much better..He told me home will be a no stress zone from now on...we went to c,ounselling. The problem was yes I was afraid he would go back to being the jerk I din't like. ok so in my mind everything was his fault. I tried breaking it off with the man I was talking to because I could see hubby really had been doing good and deserved a chance..stupid me kept texting the other man tho after a few days and a few times of trying to break it off. I have more to this but hang on brb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Ok so I hated myself more and more..was frustrated...oh forgot to tell you I let hubby back home the next day when I kicked him out. I was soo soo distracted by the other man. I told hubby,,"I love you but am not in love with you" so a few months later I told hubby I wanted a divorce and lets seperate..we discussed seperarting with our counselor..soo hubby took me out for drinks to talk about the "seperation"...I had a few too many. He asked me if I was having an affair. I told him about my emotional affair and who it was with. We came home and he told me to get rid of all contact with the other man and I refused. He said get rid of him or leave. I left! Ran out the door and stayed at my sisters. When I left I did text the other man that night. The next day talked to him on the phone. He wanted to see me but I said "no, I need to get my head clear and that this was between my husband and I" ok so the other man stopped talking to me...a few days later I texted the OM to never contact me again..I took him off facebook and everything. That Monday I had a bad nervous breakdown and my husband happened to text me during it. He took me to get something to eat ( I hadn't eaten or slept in days) he helpd me get my stuff and come home. We have been together ever since and that was 13 months ago... Guess what? He still hasn't raised his voice to me  I used to feel scared when he came in the door, now I look forward to it..also found that it wasn't all his fault with the anger. I had found alot of faults of my own. I neglected him, gave all my attention to the kids. I rejected him alot, was too tired, treated him like a crappy piece of furnature. I couldn't see that for a long time. People treat you the way you teach them to treat you. I again applaud you for your effort and hope she will see you aren't that mean man anymore 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Plucky Duckling said:


> This is good advice! I really appreciate it. What' tough is this is so defeating as I'm trying so hard not getting anything back in return. I guess I am getting something as she hasn't left yet. Our parent were right when they said Marriage Aint Easy.
> 
> In terms of Valentine's Day, I'm showing her that I care, but I don't want to go too over the top as I'm sure she can't really handle that right now and also in preservation of myself should she not like an all out effort. Basically flowers, hand written cards with things that I love about her and us and then making her favorite dinner.


I can understand how difficult that is for you  I hope you know she isn't purposefully not trying. When she's "behind the wall" there's little energy she can draw from to try and take care of you from her side.

I'm actually talking to someone else about a situation similar to yours (different aspects though) in THIS THREAD. He too is having difficulty giving so much and getting so little in return during this "wall" period.

But it sounds like you're close to reconciliation and this hasn't gone on too long. Once she's feeling better about things she'll take care of you much better. 

As far as Valentine's Day, that sounds like a reasonable answer. Though just IMO as a woman, you can NEVER go too far over the top!  Make sure your efforts are at least on par with was she usually receives on V-Day otherwise she may think you care less about her now.

You're doing wonderful! I hope you'll keep us updated!


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

ugg my husband cried, bought me flowers, cheesecake, he wrote alot of apology letters and the more he did, the more it pushed me away..but I was in that stupid emotional affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

oh one last thing on my story..he is so hurt by what I did, the tables have turned..I am fighting my butt off to keep him. Now he's not sure he wants to stay in our marriage of 22 years after what I did..I don't blame him. No one deserves to be cheated on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Plucky Duckling (Feb 12, 2013)

ComicBookLady said:


> I can understand how difficult that is for you  I hope you know she isn't purposefully not trying. When she's "behind the wall" there's little energy she can draw from to try and take care of you from her side.
> 
> I'm actually talking to someone else about a situation similar to yours (different aspects though) in THIS THREAD. He too is having difficulty giving so much and getting so little in return during this "wall" period.
> 
> ...


One of the big things that I'm getting from her are that these acts of love/kindness are "fake". I mean I guess it does bode well with the trust issues she's having with me. Two weeks ago, I just outta the blue had flowers delivered to her office with a note that said "Just Because". When she got them, she called me all excited like she felt like the most important woman in the world, but when I brought it up to her during one of our last talks she said that she thinks it's "fake and I'm doing it just to get in her good graces again". I told her that I love her and I did that because her and our marriage mean a lot to me and that I know in the past you've wanted flowers and now I'm stepping up to deliver. 

I guess it boils down to time and healing, but between her thinking this is "fake" and not being super interested in doing anything as a couple, I'm at a loss. I can tell that I am starting to feel the pain that I put her through over the last year and a half...


----------



## Plucky Duckling (Feb 12, 2013)

ComicBookLady said:


> I can understand how difficult that is for you  I hope you know she isn't purposefully not trying. When she's "behind the wall" there's little energy she can draw from to try and take care of you from her side.
> 
> I'm actually talking to someone else about a situation similar to yours (different aspects though) in THIS THREAD. He too is having difficulty giving so much and getting so little in return during this "wall" period.
> 
> ...


Well she just shot me a text message that she wants to go to dinner with her girlfriend tomorrow night. Im not at all sure how i feel about this. I feel like im in a battle of space vs fighting for your marriage. As I said earlier I knew she wasn't in the zone for romance. She knows I'm out with the guys now, but I fully expect to have a talk when we get home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

s


Plucky Duckling said:


> Well she just shot me a text message that she wants to go to dinner with her girlfriend tomorrow night. Im not at all sure how i feel about this. I feel like im in a battle of space vs fighting for your marriage. As I said earlier I knew she wasn't in the zone for romance. She knows I'm out with the guys now, but I fully expect to have a talk when we get home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Gosh how hurtful of her!  

Hmmmm I guess in this instance I'm not sure if A) she's trying to get a "reaction" from you and trying in a roundabout way to find out if you have any plans for her on Valentine's day; or B) really does want to go with her girlfriends and needs a little space.

Depending on what type of woman she is it could be either one. 

Maybe something like "I understand. I really would like to see you sometime on Valentine's day. Let me know what you think"

That's very non pushy and lets her know you still want to see her. If she replies with something like "I could cancel my dinner with my friends" I would say that she is more like option A. If she says "Okay, we'll see about before or after dinner with my friends then" Then more like option B. 

Oh, women! I am one and I even drive _myself_ crazy sometimes! 

I understand how hard it must be to strike that balance. I'm positive all will be okay  You are doing a tremendous job already. Better than most people. Be confident in the fact that you are doing all you can, and that she'll come around.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Tomorrow night? On Valentines day? You should have a problem with this. Dont throw a hissy fit or anything but calmly tell her without getting emotional or showing anger if this is how she is going to treat you then maybe she is right and you are now going to have to question your decision to go all out to fix this marriage! Then Say goodbye walk away, hang up gthe phone....whatever and let her come to you. Dont let her take advantage you! You dont deserve that no matter what happened, you've been bending over backwards for her.

She has to do her part too. You cant take 100% blame for all of the problems in the marriage or total responsibility in fixing it.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

ComicBookLady said:


> s
> 
> Gosh how hurtful of her!
> 
> ...


I believe she knows full well he plans and wants to see her on V day. How can she not? And V day is not a day to take space and see friends. I'm sorry but this is way out of line imo.


----------



## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

inarut said:


> I believe she knows full well he plans and wants to see her on V day. How can she not? And V day is not a day to take space and see friends. I'm sorry but this is way out of line imo.


I've known waaaaaay too many women who do this type of thing. In fact, my best girl friend is the QUEEN of doing things like this. It can get aggravating for sure but I've accepted she's just that way. It's a little passive agressive and a little impatience. 

I don't know if OP's wife is doing that though. She could just want space


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

Plucky Duckling said:


> Well she just shot me a text message that she wants to go to dinner with her girlfriend tomorrow night. Im not at all sure how i feel about this. I feel like im in a battle of space vs fighting for your marriage. As I said earlier I knew she wasn't in the zone for romance. She knows I'm out with the guys now, but I fully expect to have a talk when we get home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hopefully the talk went well for you last night. It might have been a test to see if you will blow up or not. Or she might really be done with the marriage and spend the time with someone else. 

If she is spending time with you today then great. If not then you might want to give her the space she is asking for by doing the 180 and focusing on improving yourself for now. You can search for 180 on the forum and find a lot of info on it.

I went through something similar and it takes time and concerted effort. Our first date after I tried to improve was spent absorbing my wife rant on my behavior. I listened and improved as she wanted but it wasn't until much later that my actions proved to her that I was serious. Five time for you actions to take effect.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

ComicBookLady said:


> I've known waaaaaay too many women who do this type of thing. In fact, my best girl friend is the QUEEN of doing things like this. It can get aggravating for sure but I've accepted she's just that way. It's a little passive agressive and a little impatience.
> 
> I don't know if OP's wife is doing that though. She could just want space


You sound like a lovely woman but I have to say catering to someone when they are treating you badly for any reason is a mistake and a diservice to yourself... at least not when you have owned up to your own crap and are trying so hard to rectify things. Its a smack in the face.


----------

