# Should I stop my WS's affair?



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Recently, I’ve seen the focus put on 'stopping the A’, especially by guys: confront OM, tell him to stay away. It puts some of the blame on OM when 100% of the blame belongs to WS. OM might as well be anyone. 

I get the impression that if H finds out there's an A starting or it's already gone EA/PA, as well as confronting WS, he should also do an Alpha on OM to stop it. Nope. It's 100% up to WS to stop it!

I have rarely if ever seen a lady BS advised to do an Alpha on OW to stop the A. BS do contact OW, most often to find out details. 

We women can stop male attention any time we want. We also know the difference between a guy being friendly & being interested. Saying 'we didn't know' is just cya (covering our a$$es) so don't fall for that old coconut. If he’s interested & we like it, it’s as easy as pie to encourage it. We know how to do that too. 

We are not back in the caves. Guys, we are not 'damsels in distress' who need rescuing from other men to prevent us having an A. If a guy comes on to us, we go along with it because we want to. There’s nothing wrong with H confronting OM, as long as it’s done from anger etc, and not from an attempt to stop the A. Stopping the A belongs 100% to WS. 

I think the focus should be on the ‘confront’ and making it a damn fine one. Patience required. End of BS's part in the proceedings. 

On the confront, if WS doesn’t immediately stop the A, fog or no fog, it’s time, if at all possible, to kick their sorry a$$ out. They've already failed the first test of a remorseful spouse anyway. 

The reason for my hard line is that if BS has to force the A to stop, whether by warning OM off in the case of guys or not, in the years of R ahead, BS will forever wonder if they hadn't stopped it, what would have happened. Were they Plan B? Maybe that’s one of the big reasons R is so tough on BS. Maybe that's why there are so many false Rs. . . because BS was in fact Plan B.

Thoughts?


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I disagree. don't really seeing the point in confronting the AP and think it contributes to part of the "pick-me dance" with your spouse. Confronting the OM/OW also shouldn't matter because your spouse could have chosen at any time to not cheat so their AP is peripheral to the main problem. If you want to truly go alpha, just confront your spouse then file for D.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I also don't feel it's wise to confront the AP.

However, that doesn't mean you don't expose him/her and attempt to make them regret they chose your spouse (legally). You can do that without confronting if you're patient enough.

The other reason for not confronting the AP, is that you're sending a signal to him/her that you don't feel you can rely on your WS to stop contact on her own. It makes you look weak/desperate to the AP and to your WS.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The WS is the main issue but the AP is a part.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I want to (badly) confront husbands ex gf. Not to tell her to stop, but to tell her she's a POS. Ask her if she realizes she's already ended her own marriage because of contact with my husband, leaving 2 kids in the wake of her own failed marriage. Ask her if she just won't be happy until she ends mine too, leaving our young child and my two oldest kids in the wake of that? I want to ask her how she can be proud of the person she is while she's trying to steal someone else's husband. Ask her if her continued contact over 10 years was worth contributing to a broken family that may not be able to be fixed......

BUT, these are the questions that I need to ask my husband (and myself) instead. I did talk to her and confront her 2 years ago. There wasn't a lot of talk....she denied anything but "friendly catching up chatting". What I DID do that gave me a lot more perspective was talk to her then husband. I think THAT'S the best thing to do. Collaborate with the other spouse. When we found out we were getting different stories, that's when we knew we had a problem. My husband saying zero pictures were sent, her husband saying she admitted pictures were sent but they were just 'silly' pictures, time frames, etc. I still don't have a smoking gun of a PA, but I sure as hell have enough to know it was an EA at least two years ago and then more contact when we were separated.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Yup. 

I confronted. And it was good, although not for the reasons unwanted to. 

Originally what I wanted to do was shame them both. But what I got instead was a lot more info, and scared the hell out of the guy.

Not because I threatened him. But because I stayed cool and emotionless and asked him straight out if his wife would corroborate his "just friends" story. And when he said "I never intended on getting in the way of your wife's marriage" I said "well, you have now twice. So I doubt that it's all innocent."

He's never reached out to my wife since.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I think my views on cheating, forgiveness and reconciliation is different than most here on TAM. MY H and I have had this conversation quite a lot in the past, so we where know where each one of us stand on this issue.

I belief that if my H cheated then it's all on him. He is the one who decided to cheat. He is the one who decided to get involved. He is the one who decided to love someone else. He is the one who decided to have sex with someone else. No one dragged him or corced to get involved. He is a grown man, who has the ability to think and act as he see fit. 

I don't care how beautiful, seductive and full of feminine wiles the other woman is, he is the one who decided to become involved. So, I will place the blame on him entirely.

I am not going to confront another woman. I am not going to fight for him. I am not begging him to choose me. I don't want him to choose me. Because I would be done.

I am not asking him to stop his affair to keep us together. Because I have no desire to see him thru his "my heart is so broken and I am mourning for my lost love" crap. I have no desire to nuture him thru this and to bear witness to it. 

So, baby if you decide to cheat, make it a good one because you will be losing everything for that piece of pu**y.

My H has the same view. If another man puts his hands on me in that capacity and I am so in love with another man. I am free to go with him. In fact my H will be happy to pack my bags for my move.

He was a bit surprised that I would not fight for him:grin2:. Stupid man. He was like Ann, you wouldn't fight for me? I am like, heck no.

You left me remember and you choose someone else, why in hell would I want to fight to keep you. However, I would fight for half of everything. >


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I brought EA #2 to a swift halt upon discovering it, and confronted the AP via FB. Him being on the other side of the Atlantic made anything more logistically impractical.

EA #1 had been over for a few months when I discovered it on D-Day #2 (9 days after D-Day #1). I never confronted the AP directly, but it was made clear to him that, should he attempt re-contact, both his wife and employer would be notified of his indiscretions. His employer was specifically mentioned because it was pretty clear given some of what I saw in messages sent to my wife that he -- how should I say it -- _had his hand in his pants underneath his desk while at work_. And, though this d**chebag was within driving distance (about 15 hours away), I refrained from the confront that I _really_ wanted... mostly to avoid hearing the words "with malice aforethought" directed at me in a court of law.

Now... had either been a _PA_?

I'd have made ZERO effort to stop it and would've confronted OM at the same time that I dropped my STBXWW off on his doorstep w/ all of her things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Anyway, to me there's no point in doing anything to stop an affair unless you're willing to reconcile; if you're not, why bother?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

I say if it makes the BS feel better to confront, then do it. I also never see the harm in going to HR if it's a workplace romance.

This doesn't have to be done for any purpose other than vengeance, and there is still nothing wrong with it, IMO.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Love that "would fight for half of everything," @brooklynAnn. I agree! 

If a spouse has an affair, they are obviously not satisfied with the marriage. You can either try to satisfy them or leave them with the one who, at least in some respects, can. All depends on how much you want the marriage, I guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

I found out about my wife's PA two year after it had ended. During the period of TT my wife kept saying he was a decent guy who would have been horrified to know she was married, until I was aware enough (I was deathly ill with kidney failure and had no clue what was going on, but with dialysis I have returned to my normal IQ) to deduce from the email to know he knew. That changed my wife's tune. I would dearly have loved to have a talk with "Mr. ****" so I could confirm what my wife said, what I have deduced and how far he would have gone for his FKBuddy. Sadly (not really) it was the POS who died, not me. There are things I would have liked to know that I think I could only have gotten out of the OM.


----------



## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

Confronting just feels good and continues to feel good. I'm forever blazing the OM! I went so far as to contact the police and tell them that I suspected him of having sexually molested my daughters, which led to him having to be polygraphed and interviewed by both a detective from IMPD and CPS. CPS also came into our house and questioned my wife and daughters, also very sweet because it totally humiliated my wife. 

This POS works at Morton's Steak House so I kept calling them and letting them know he was being investigated for a possible sexual assault on a minor. Given the guy was already a convicted felon, that couldn't have helped further his career.

Confronting the AP is cathartic and whenever I get pissed thinking about their affair, I just do something to fck with the OM - call his wife, email his mom, whatever; I can't call his work place anymore: a cop warned me if I did that again he's arrest me for harassment.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Where I grew up, the girls were TOUGH. I was the reasonable, fair-minded one who thought things through, lol.

My girlfriends didn't mess around when they found out their men were cheating. They confronted both parties with serious threats. The standard was, 'Stay away from X, you *****, or I'll beat the sh!t out of you.' The thing was, they really would beat them up.

My mother was horrified by this environment, but I have to say it was effective. If the wife of a friend or relative was cheating, the men in the friend's circle showed up at the OM's door with baseball bats. The A ended pretty quickly.

I've never been one to administer rough justice or even think it's OK, but I witnessed the effect.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jld said:


> Love that "would fight for half of everything," @brooklynAnn. I agree!
> 
> If a spouse has an affair, they are obviously not satisfied with the marriage. You can either try to satisfy them or leave them with the one who, at least in some respects, can. All depends on how much you want the marriage, I guess.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some people just want to get laid and it has nothing to do with the marriage at all.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi @Bananapeel you wife's case is different in that her's was a NSA-next up case. The most important reason to confront the OP is to drive them out of your divorce first and foremost. Allowing your spouse OM to act as a cheerleader/Ally is a nightmare. I aiways suggest following MB advise of how to expose Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

Again your first priority is never to save the marriage, rather establish a clear plan and pathway to your post divorce life and the 180 and exposure are the tools to use. After you have your plans laid, then and only then (and the WS approaches you) consider reconciliation. There was a saying in the fifties, marry in hast, regret in leisure. Perhaps today it would be best to say: file quickly (with terms you want) consider reconcilation in leisure. 

Read @Hantei thread. Can you imagine having to deal with OM interfering in his son's life. Compare Hantie reality to @Evineude58 problems with his ex and her OM. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sion/328377-ex-now-married-crazy-request.html. In Evinrude58 case his WW married het posm. Even if she did not and married someone else just as toxic, it driving the OP out of your life and your children's life is a must. Hopefully Hantei might have some ideas of what life might have been like if he had not blown up posm and Evin might have some ideas as well.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I would say, if you want to approach the OM/W be prepared to hear things you don’t want to hear….

My BFF confronted her husbands OW. BFF’s husband takes (I think Cialis) at times when he has ‘trouble’. When she confronted the OW she said something to my BFF along the lines of “He didn’t need a pill with me!” Also told her “we’d f*ck for HOURS” and referenced him telling her that her “private arena” was smaller than my BFF’s. As if it’s not bad enough that she caught him cheating, the c*nt he cheated with took blow after blow at my BFF’s self esteem. 

I honestly think some of the things that that OW said to my BFF have stuck with her worse than what he actually DID. She just brought it up to me a couple of days ago. It’s been 3 years and she said that every time she picks up his (Cialis?) prescription, she still wonders why he needs it with her and didn’t with the OW……


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Sorry Bananapeel, just relealized I was confusing you with trusteers. Perhaps you could speculate what your's and your daughter's life would be like if you hadn't blown up your WS adultery.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

LosingHim said:


> I would say, if you want to approach the OM/W be prepared to hear things you don’t want to hear….
> 
> My BFF confronted her husbands OW. BFF’s husband takes (I think Cialis) at times when he has ‘trouble’. When she confronted the OW she said something to my BFF along the lines of “He didn’t need a pill with me!” Also told her “we’d f*ck for HOURS” and referenced him telling her that her “private arena” was smaller than my BFF’s. As if it’s not bad enough that she caught him cheating, the c*nt he cheated with took blow after blow at my BFF’s self esteem.
> 
> I honestly think some of the things that that OW said to my BFF have stuck with her worse than what he actually DID. She just brought it up to me a couple of days ago. It’s been 3 years and she said that every time she picks up his (Cialis?) prescription, she still wonders why he needs it with her and didn’t with the OW……


Well, better to know the truth, especially if you're going to reconcile.

If my wife needed a pill to have sex with me but not another guy... I'd be history.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi @LosingHim, 

Your BFF case proves you need to blow up both WS and OP life and fantasy with out mercy and not taking prisoners. Perhaps you could speculate what your BFF life, and her children's life would be like if her husband married her? An aside: cialis is a 24 four hour drug taken daily. How would OW know if he actually did not take it? Viarga is taken an hour before, again how would OW know? The really important issue for your BFF is what her husband is doing to shield her from his OW and driving OW out of the marriage!


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

JohnA said:


> Hi @LosingHim,
> 
> Your BFF case proves you need to blow up both WS and OP life and fantasy with out mercy and not taking prisoners. Perhaps you could speculate what your BFF life, and her children's life would be like if her husband married her? An aside: cialis is a 24 four hour drug taken daily. How would OW know if he actually did not take it? Viarga is taken an hour before, again how would OW know? The really important issue for your BFF is what her husband is doing to shield her from his OW and driving OW out of the marriage!


I could be wrong on if it is Cialis that he takes. I know that she's mentioned to me before which one he takes, but I just can't remember which one it is. Cialis sticks out in my brain for some reason, but it COULD be Viagra. I just know she's told me before that he "occasionally has to take a pill for performance". To her, he's always blamed it on his antidepression meds. Said that they occasionally interfere with his ability to perform. 

I get more of the impression that in her case the OW was just a vile, vile woman who just wanted to make my BFF suffer for breaking up their affair. I'm not sure how much truth there was to anything she said to my BFF so much as she just wanted to hurt her and bring her down. 

My BFF’s husband worked about an hour at a time. He’s a Safety guy by trade. Generally goes into companies without good safety practices in place, writes a bunch of SOP’s, makes sure everything is up to OSHA codes, does training, etc. When he starts at a new job the company is generally WAY behind in what they need to be doing to be up to OSHA standards so his first few months are generally spent working a lot of OT to catch things up as quickly as possible and then things level off and he works normal hours. He had been at this company about a year when all of the sudden he started working more OT and getting to the point where it was “just easier” to stay in a hotel room up there and go to work the next day. My BFF became suspicious. I don’t remember exactly how she caught him, but she found him in a full blown sexual affair with this woman. They had rented an apartment to use for their rendezvous. It started with an air mattress in a bedroom and that was it. After a while, it turns out that they had ordered furniture, took an old TV there, bought a bed, etc. They had built a legit “love nest”. 

My BFF confronted her husband, threw him out. He went and lived at the love nest. She packed his crap, put it in the garage. Called OW’s husband, spilled the beans. Apparently, OW’s husband had caught her in several affairs over the years, all with coworkers. All of the men still worked there. Apparently, there was even jealousy amongst the men there because of her. She would be in an affair with one (all while married) and start having an affair with another. The husband told my BFF that she did it all the time and he had just become accustomed to it. He wouldn’t be divorcing her after that affair either. 

Her husband eventually came home, begged her to take him back, etc. She gave him a chance. Found out he was still visiting love nest in the middle of the day for nooners with the work wh*re. She confronted again, came home to him sitting in his truck on an abnormally hot day slumped over from taking a half a bottle of Xanax – attempted suicide. She called the squad, they put him in the hospital, he woke up stating he hated her, she should have just let him die, etc. He left the job and took a job locally.

3 years later, she’s been telling me he’s been talking about suicide again. Her spidey sense is tingling that there’s another affair because at the end of the last affair he attempted suicide. She has said that she has absolutely zero proof or even inclination of an affair this time around, but if there is one, this time she WILL make him leave.

Truth be told, they met each other while married. They were AP’s for roughly 6 months before they left their spouses on the same weekend and moved in with each other. Luckily they do not have any children together. He’d had a vasectomy, she had a procedure done to thin the lining of her uterus. He does have a child from a previous marriage who is now 20 years old.


----------



## pinkroses (Jan 12, 2016)

********** said:


> Recently, I’ve seen the focus put on 'stopping the A’, especially by guys: confront OM, tell him to stay away. It puts some of the blame on OM when 100% of the blame belongs to WS. OM might as well be anyone.
> 
> I get the impression that if H finds out there's an A starting or it's already gone EA/PA, as well as confronting WS, he should also do an Alpha on OM to stop it. Nope. It's 100% up to WS to stop it!
> 
> ...


Finally!


----------



## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

********** said:


> Recently, I’ve seen the focus put on 'stopping the A’, especially by guys: confront OM, tell him to stay away. It puts some of the blame on OM when 100% of the blame belongs to WS. OM might as well be anyone.
> 
> I get the impression that if H finds out there's an A starting or it's already gone EA/PA, as well as confronting WS, he should also do an Alpha on OM to stop it. Nope. It's 100% up to WS to stop it!
> 
> ...


There's no blanket statement on this as there are far too many variables in each individual instance.

My short answer is if you want to see if the marriage can be saved, absolutely stop it. If you don't want to try, just walk away.

In the cleanest situation - it's two people with no kids or other entanglements, each self sufficient from a financial point of view. Go ahead and walk away. 

Throw a life together, kids, house, bills, intertwined jobs, health, family, etc... Boy, do the waters get muddy fast.

But in theory, I agree - the only thing that the BS should need to do is confront the WS. The BS should not have to go after the AP if the WS is willing to come back to and work on the marriage.

I do love reading how people who haven't experienced infidelity seem to have such a cut and dried opinion of how they'll proceed. It reminds me of single people who know *just* how they would raise children. I hope that they don't experience it. The infidelity, that is.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

marduk said:


> jld said:
> 
> 
> > Love that "would fight for half of everything," @brooklynAnn. I agree!
> ...


Whether it does or not....reconciliation would be out of the question for me. I'm a romantic and an affair would tell me i made a grave mistake and she is not my soul mate and My soul mate is still out there..I would still get my pound of flesh from POSOM. He would loathe the day he met my wife. He would need a psych ward with the PTSD's he will have when I finish.

That's all I'm gonna say, I plead the 5th from here on.


----------



## Hantei (Feb 23, 2016)

You are right **********. ..

However from a simple-minded male (yours truly) point of view:

1) I would feel (even more) humiliated foryears to come (R or not) iif I hadn't tried at least. It's probably irrational but I'd feel akin to a husband who's wfie is being actively hit on in his presence and he does or said nothing (and then blames his wife afterwards). I imagine my son asking me "so what have you actually done to stop it".

2) It just feels darn good when the SOB is hiding scared. 

I think your logic is right be we are not always doing logical things, aren't we?



********** said:


> Recently, I’ve seen the focus put on 'stopping the A’, especially by guys: confront OM, tell him to stay away. It puts some of the blame on OM when 100% of the blame belongs to WS. OM might as well be anyone.
> 
> I get the impression that if H finds out there's an A starting orit's already gone EA/PA, as well as confronting WS, he should also do an Alpha on OM to stop it. Nope. It's 100% up to WS to stop it!
> 
> ...


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

MovingFrwrd said:


> I do love reading how people who haven't experienced infidelity seem to have such a cut and dried opinion of how they'll proceed. It reminds me of single people who know *just* how they would raise children. I hope that they don't experience it. The infidelity, that is.


We all have our experiences that we grow and learn from that shape who we are now. I have not experienced infidelity in my marriage but my parent's marriage pretty much shaped who I am now. So my cut and dried opinion has a root in my upbringing. My parents lived their lives in such a bad way with affairs on both sides. The abuse of living with two broken people was just too much on us kids. We were the ones who felt all their pain and had to suffer for it. When my dad took everything and left to go with the OW the last time, my mother decided it was too much for her. So, she took her life. Tell me, was my father was worth her life?

Now he is happy with his new wife. Living a nice life. We the kids are still suffering and paying for their sh**. That is why no one is worth me begging or pleading for them to pick me. So, that's my cut and dried opinion.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

MovingFrwrd said:


> In the cleanest situation - it's two people with no kids or other entanglements, each self sufficient from a financial point of view. Go ahead and walk away.
> 
> Throw a life together, kids, house, bills, intertwined jobs, health, family, etc... Boy, do the waters get muddy fast.
> 
> ...


Good point about muddy waters @MovingFrwrd, and of course it is difficult to generalise. 
I have modified my original post to, '*if at all possible,* kick their sorry a$$ out'. 
My main point was that the R ahead is gruelling enough for BS when WS does stop the A when confronted. Been there, done that. 
But if WS doesn't stop voluntarily stop the A, BS has the added torture of wondering if they were Plan B. 
Which is why I don't think BS should approach AP with the main aim being to stop the A. 

Dunno who the posters are who haven't experienced infidelity. 
Lucky them. . .


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> I would say, if you want to approach the OM/W be prepared to hear things you don’t want to hear….
> 
> My BFF confronted her husbands OW. BFF’s husband takes (I think Cialis) at times when he has ‘trouble’. When she confronted the OW she said something to my BFF along the lines of “He didn’t need a pill with me!” Also told her “we’d f*ck for HOURS” and referenced him telling her that her “private arena” was smaller than my BFF’s. As if it’s not bad enough that she caught him cheating, the c*nt he cheated with took blow after blow at my BFF’s self esteem.
> 
> I honestly think some of the things that that OW said to my BFF have stuck with her worse than what he actually DID. She just brought it up to me a couple of days ago. It’s been 3 years and she said that every time she picks up his (Cialis?) prescription, she still wonders why he needs it with her and didn’t with the OW……


This is one of the downfalls of confronting. Many times the om/ow has nothing to lose so they take cheapshots, belittle the person. Does the affair partner really know if he was taking med or not or size from one to another it's highly doubtful. These people are in affairs, the credibility of any statement made would be highly suspect. 

In my situation I never confronted him, he got off on that proving he was more "manly" and all sorts of silliness like that. It would have fueled his game, after the affair was over I have talked to him but that was more for info for my divorce.


----------



## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> We all have our experiences that we grow and learn from that shape who we are now. I have not experienced infidelity in my marriage but my parent's marriage pretty much shaped who I am now. So my cut and dried opinion has a root in my upbringing. My parents lived their lives in such a bad way with affairs on both sides. The abuse of living with two broken people was just too much on us kids. We were the ones who felt all their pain and had to suffer for it. When my dad took everything and left to go with the OW the last time, my mother decided it was too much for her. So, she took her life. Tell me, was my father was worth her life?
> 
> Now he is happy with his new wife. Living a nice life. We the kids are still suffering and paying for their sh**. That is why no one is worth me begging or pleading for them to pick me. So, that's my cut and dried opinion.


I'm sorry to hear that. Truly. 

Do you have children? Is there anyone who would be affected by your H having an A? 

You have viewed infidelity from a horrible angle. But, while you say you know how you respond, there are too many things that could continue to shape your choice.

I'll agree - you've experienced the after effects of infidelity. You did indeed have to live it. As a child, nobody should have to experience that, so my heart goes out to your experience.

Have you seen a counselor or in any other way worked with a professional to recover from the trauma? It appears you still have a lot to work through. I hope the best for you.

But, I'll stand by what I initially said. If you haven't experienced your chosen partner in life whom you said vows to cheat on you, there are too many variables that are up in the air for you to truly have a preconceived notion of how you'll respond.

I'm assuming JLD knows of your situation given the support she offered. I'll admit to agreeing with JLD when the situation is such that there is R being attempted - both the WS and the BS need to see what they did in the past that would have affected the environment that lead up to the A. But. I will not place blame for the A at anyone's but the WS feet. They got to make the decision, and they are the one's who chose momentary pleasure over the sanctity of their vows.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

********** said:


> Good point about muddy waters @MovingFrwrd, and of course it is difficult to generalise.
> I have modified my original post to, '*if at all possible,* kick their sorry a$$ out'.
> My main point was that the R ahead is gruelling enough for BS when WS does stop the A when confronted. Been there, done that.
> But if WS doesn't stop voluntarily stop the A, BS has the added torture of wondering if they were Plan B.
> ...


I've never been in an R situation so it's just conjecture on my part but if your going to try and R I think you need to come to terms that your plan B and proceed from there.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Scrubz said:


> You will never get jld to stop posting in every thread that the BS is the reason for the cheating, despite the fact she has zero real world experience with infidelity. It's a lost cause.


Since there is only a "like" and not a "dislike" button, I'll respond. jld has a lot of good points, even when I don't agree with them. I value having a broader perspective and enjoy her input.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

For an EA, yes I would confront and expose. Attempt to end it and possible R depending on my wife's reaction to D-day.

PA is the line in the sand for me. I would expose to all, but if I confronted OM, I would probably thank him for taking my POS cheating wife off my hands and exposing her for what she truly is. I could not continue a marriage knowing that I was Plan B. Just not built that way.


----------



## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

honcho said:


> I've never been in an R situation so it's just conjecture on my part but if your going to try and R I think you need to come to terms that your plan B and proceed from there.


Aren't hypotheticals fun? I'm enjoying the back and forth on this topic largely because there's no right answer.

Lets say your WS never intended on leaving you whatsoever. You weren't plan B, you were their married partner and they just needed some on the side for whatever reason. They had no intention of leaving you whatsoever. Like Marduk said - sometimes affairs are just to get some more sex. Then the WS is incredibly shamed and sorry, and shows remorse.

I'm stirring the pot a bit here, intentionally. Not attacking, I just enjoy finding different angles to view situations. If you are offended, I mean no offense. This is a good topic to explore reactions. I'm sure there will be a lot of real life experience brought in here.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Hantei said:


> You are right **********. ..
> 
> However from a simple-minded male (yours truly) point of view:
> 
> ...


 @Hantei, you ain't no simple-minded male. I don't know any simple-minded males in fact . It's very hard to cover all the ins & outs when it comes to affairs. As @MovingFrwrd pointed out it's hard to generalise. 
I totally get wanting to confront OM or indeed OW. Telling your son that you kicked OM's sorry a$$, excuse violent undertones heh, heh! , & OM is now cowering behind a bush someplace, would be a damn fine thing!
I'm old-fashioned. I still believe in chivalry and love the idea of a man protecting and defending his family. 
The reason I started the thread was that I think on TAM in the case of guys who are BS, we ladies are sometimes being let off too lightly in terms of culpability, when the general drift is 'chase OM out of town' as if to protect the 'damsel in distress' from OM & stop the A. We're definitely not 'damsels in distress' when we're having an A. (A case in point was a thread on TAM in the last few days involving an EA. Though it came to an abrupt end & OP seems to have disappeared. Evil grin ). The 'damsel in distress' thing led me on to realise that if the A is stopped by BS's intervention, rather than by WS, then it makes the R harder. 

Agh, probably tying myself up in knots, but hope you get my point. 
P.S. Logic? As I know only too well being a BS myself, it's extremely hard to be logical in the face of an affair.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Right or wrong is in the eyes of the law and if you are religious, your God. 

Otherwise, I tend to agree with **********. I only confronted one OM. I felt bad for him when I realized he was stupid and my ex would never have a long term relationship with him. He had no money, either. 

I saw little real world value in confronting men that I could do nothing about. I never had the evidence as suggested and read about here at TAM, until it was too late and she was gone. That really hurt me to find out after.

I think the reason is that as long as it was a secret, not many knew about it. Once it was in the open, I had to suffer shame for not doing something when I thought it was happening, but had no proof. The thing is, she told others that I knew, when I suspected, but could not get proof. 

There was a point back in maybe 2012 when I went out with a long time friend of mine. We went to this bar together. I was a mess. When we went in, I realized a guy my wife knew, talked about and introduced me to was sitting at the bar with some woman. When he saw me walk in, he got this sick look on his face. I was still really out of it and must have had this effed up crazed look in my eyes. 

Upon seeing his reaction, not upon seeing him, I got very angry, very quickly. I also felt some shame for not knowing what his reaction meant. We got out of there quickly. I felt I could not stay. I didn't think I could trust myself. I was so angry, I didn't know what I would do. We left and sat in my friend's car in the parking lot of the establishment. I was trying to explain what was going on. 

While we were sittin there, this guy came out and got into the glove compartment of his car. I didn't see exactly what he pulled from the glove box, but I can guess it was a firearm. 

Glad we left. Nothing good would have come out of it. I likely would have been dead or in jail. 

Some of the AP's I could not have physically overtaken. I am glad I didn't know them until just the last year or two. I could not have handled it.

Best to just get out. 

I just wish letting it go would have been enough for her and her APs. I guess they wanted me to hurt badly. I guess they didn't like not being recognized as worthy of a battle... neither my ex nor her APs.


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

badmemory said:


> I also don't feel it's wise to confront the AP.
> 
> However, that doesn't mean you don't expose him/her and attempt to make them regret they chose your spouse (legally). You can do that without confronting if you're patient enough.
> 
> The other reason for not confronting the AP, is that you're sending a signal to him/her that you don't feel you can rely on your WS to stop contact on her own. It makes you look weak/desperate to the AP and to your WS.



I tink the BS should thank the AP and divorce the cheating spouse.


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> I think my views on cheating, forgiveness and reconciliation is different than most here on TAM. MY H and I have had this conversation quite a lot in the past, so we where know where each one of us stand on this issue.
> 
> I belief that if my H cheated then it's all on him. He is the one who decided to cheat. He is the one who decided to get involved. He is the one who decided to love someone else. He is the one who decided to have sex with someone else. No one dragged him or corced to get involved. He is a grown man, who has the ability to think and act as he see fit.
> 
> ...


No,this is the same view that many of us have.


----------



## Hantei (Feb 23, 2016)

Thanks. What I do also believe in (which I think correlates with "being let off too lightly" is a totally pathetic situation which is IMHO is an extreme on the other side of the scale. When poor husband blames everyone else (OM, friends, hormones, relatives - ha!) and gladly accepts her back as nothing happened.

I happen to know a couple who's done that.

The truth is as usual somewhere in between I recon .



********** said:


> @Hantei, you ain't no simple-minded male. I don't know any simple-minded males in fact . It's very hard to cover all the ins & outs when it comes to affairs. And as @MovingFrwrd pointed out it's hard to generalise.
> I totally get wanting to confront OM or indeed OW. Telling your son that you kicked OM's sorry a$$, excuse violent undertones heh, heh! , & OM is now cowering behind a bush someplace, would be a damn fine thing!
> I'm old-fashioned. I still believe in chivalry and love the idea of a man protecting and defending his family.
> The reason I started the thread was that I think on TAM in the case of guys who are BS, we ladies are sometimes being let off too lightly in terms of culpability, when the general drift is 'chase OM out of town' as if to protect the 'damsel in distress' from OM & stop the A. We're definitely not 'damsels in distress' when we're having an A. (A case in point was a thread on TAM in the last few days involving an EA. Though it came to an abrupt end & OP seems to have disappeared. Evil grin ). And that led me on to realise that if the A is stopped by BS's intervention, rather than by WS, then it makes the R harder.
> ...


----------



## Hantei (Feb 23, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> He was a bit surprised that I would not fight for him:grin2:. Stupid man. He was like Ann, you wouldn't fight for me? I am like, heck no.


Apologies for the off topic but this is hilarious and bright and so similar to one of the dialogs I've got.
- Aren't you going fight for the marriage?
- Hmm, no, not my fight anymore.

Great.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

MovingFrwrd said:


> Aren't hypotheticals fun? I'm enjoying the back and forth on this topic largely because there's no right answer.
> 
> Lets say your WS never intended on leaving you whatsoever. You weren't plan B, you were their married partner and they just needed some on the side for whatever reason. They had no intention of leaving you whatsoever. Like Marduk said - sometimes affairs are just to get some more sex. Then the WS is incredibly shamed and sorry, and shows remorse.
> 
> I'm stirring the pot a bit here, intentionally. Not attacking, I just enjoy finding different angles to view situations. If you are offended, I mean no offense. This is a good topic to explore reactions. I'm sure there will be a lot of real life experience brought in here.


Wasn't offended, nor was I trying to offend anyone who may be in an R situation. 

I do think many affairs are just for sex and adventure but the person has willing decieved, lied and taken advantage of plan A. Getting caught has forever altered the marriage. Maybe it's just semantics but if your willing to gamble plan A to start with you've made them plan B.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> .... I saw little real world value in confronting men that I could do nothing about. I never had the evidence as suggested and read about here at TAM, until it was too late and she was gone. That really hurt me to find out after.
> 
> I think the reason is that as long as it was a secret, not many knew about it. Once it was in the open, I had to suffer shame for not doing something when I thought it was happening, but had no proof. The thing is, she told others that I knew, when I suspected, but could not get proof.
> 
> ...


 @2ntnuf I'm really sorry for what you have been through. 

And the above shows an angle that hasn't been mentioned, the possible dark side of confronting an OM. . . 

You must *NEVER* feel shame. All the shame is on your xWS.

...


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

brooklynAnn said:


> We all have our experiences that we grow and learn from that shape who we are now. I have not experienced infidelity in my marriage but my parent's marriage pretty much shaped who I am now. So my cut and dried opinion has a root in my upbringing. My parents lived their lives in such a bad way with affairs on both sides. The abuse of living with two broken people was just too much on us kids. We were the ones who felt all their pain and had to suffer for it. When my dad took everything and left to go with the OW the last time, my mother decided it was too much for her. So, she took her life. Tell me, was my father was worth her life?
> 
> Now he is happy with his new wife. Living a nice life. We the kids are still suffering and paying for their sh**. That is why no one is worth me begging or pleading for them to pick me. So, that's my cut and dried opinion.


I'm so sorry for this. It is a tragic way to learn life's lessons.

I agree completely that no one is worth my begging for love.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

MovingFrwrd said:


> Aren't hypotheticals fun? I'm enjoying the back and forth on this topic largely because there's no right answer.
> 
> Lets say your WS never intended on leaving you whatsoever. You weren't plan B, you were their married partner and they just needed some on the side for whatever reason. They had no intention of leaving you whatsoever. Like Marduk said - sometimes affairs are just to get some more sex. Then the WS is incredibly shamed and sorry, and shows remorse.
> 
> I'm stirring the pot a bit here, intentionally. Not attacking, I just enjoy finding different angles to view situations. If you are offended, I mean no offense. This is a good topic to explore reactions. I'm sure there will be a lot of real life experience brought in here.


My h was never my plan B. He's always been my plan A. But I thought I was HIS plan B. Resentment built, feelings were hurt, self esteem plummeted, and the first guy that I allowed myself in a compromising position with stroked my ego to the point I didn't care about **** else than feeling good IN THAT MOMENT. 

My delusional wayward brain wanted my cake at home, but I wanted to eat it with OM feeding me attention that I felt I was lacking for so long. 

Biggest mistake of my life. Doubt I'll ever forgive myself. The destruction I caused will haunt me forever. I wonder if I'll ever have days I don't think about what I did.

But he was never Plan B. I guess at that time, I put MYSELF as Plan A and my husband at Plan A 2.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would confront no matter what.

If he didn't know she was married, I would talk with him and tell him to be careful in the future.

If he knew she was married but didn't know me, I would confront hard and scare him very hard. I am good at psychological warfare.

If he was inside our social circle, I would extract "payment" from him. It would include a recorded three round mma match with me and both our wives watching. I would ensure a contractual obligation. I am extremely convincing.

I would have the same reaction to OM regardless of R or D.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

americansteve said:


> Confronting just feels good and continues to feel good. I'm forever blazing the OM! I went so far as to contact the police and tell them that I suspected him of having sexually molested my daughters, which led to him having to be polygraphed and interviewed by both a detective from IMPD and CPS. CPS also came into our house and questioned my wife and daughters, also very sweet because it totally humiliated my wife.
> 
> This POS works at Morton's Steak House so I kept calling them and letting them know he was being investigated for a possible sexual assault on a minor. Given the guy was already a convicted felon, that couldn't have helped further his career.
> 
> Confronting the AP is cathartic and whenever I get pissed thinking about their affair, I just do something to fck with the OM - call his wife, email his mom, whatever; I can't call his work place anymore: a cop warned me if I did that again he's arrest me for harassment.


So, you did that to your own daughters, Steve? You lied to the police and had your own daughters subjected to intrusive questioning for non-existent child sex abuse?

You are the man, huh? No. That’s not manly behaviour. At all.

Unless you had evidence that he was abusing your daughters?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I would confront no matter what.
> 
> If he didn't know she was married, I would talk with him and tell him to be careful in the future.
> 
> ...


Good idea. Reward your wife for cheating by getting her all lathered up watching 2guys fight about her.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You mentioned he was a felon. You did NOT mention he was a child sex offender.

You mentioned his name and the name and location of his employer.

Hopefully you will indemnify the owner of TAM when they are sued.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@MattMatt

Sued for what?
I'm not making this up; it's not slander.

It happens to be true.

Maybe you should be careful about who you say is or isn't a man mattmatt.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Posting of personal information is not allowed.


----------



## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@MattMatt



> So, you did that to your own daughters, Steve? You lied to the police and had your own daughters subjected to intrusive questioning for non-existent child sex abuse?
> 
> You are the man, huh? No. That’s not manly behaviour. At all.
> 
> Unless you had evidence that he was abusing your daughters?


I mentioned that her POSOM was a convicted felon - did you see that? He is a felon sex offender and he had contact with my daughters. In fact, in several of the texts to my wife, he mentioned my daughters. I had no evidence that he molested them but the fact that he was even within 2 feet of my daughters was enough cause for me to look into it.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Personally I am in the camp of just let the WS go. I'd still put some consequences on OM, because bad behavior deserves negative outcomes. If WS doesn't want to end the affair and isn't truly remorseful, she'll just find another OM if her BH chases away this OM.


----------

