# Need advice



## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

So this will be rather lengthy, but please stay with me, I really need advice...

My wife and I have been married for 7.5 years. We got married rather young (she was 19 and I was 23). Honestly I feel like we may have had a little compulsion in getting married (religious reasons, but not really the point of the post). 

About three years into our marriage I came home from work and she had a bag packed and said she was unhappy and was going to stay with a friend on campus (we were in school then). Needless to say I was upset and hurt. I did not see anything coming. Well she cam back later that night and acted weird all week. Finally I was able to get her to admitting to having kissed another man when she left that night. I was angry and upset, but we got past that.

Fast forward 2.5 years...I got a decent job as a software engineer back in our home town. We bought a house and everything appeared to be going well. In the summer went on a three day trip and when I got back she was acting strange and I knew something was up. She admitted to kissing another man again (someone close to me). This time they actually took clothes off, but the individual close to me put a stop to it, as he knew it was a terrible idea. This time it hurt worse, took me a while to get over it. I informed her that if it ever happened again, we would be done. 

Now to the present...We have 16 month old boy, live in the same pl;ace, I have the same good job. Recently (in the last few months) we have decided to start drinking (we never drank the first 7 years of our marriage again religious reasons). We have started to go out to bars and clubs. Together, or sometimes she goes with the girlfriends. Well I started to notice a gap widening between us. I noticed her flirting with people put at bars (while I was there, so I could only imagine what was going on when I was not). I know she has self esteem issues, or is getting over them, so she does like attention from other guys. One time after she had gone out, I found out that she had let a guy dance close to her. We had a discussion about this and I informed her that this was not okay. She really did not see it as a big deal as she "was not going to bring him home." Well this goes on, one night we are both drunk and we have a heart to heart ( I know bad idea when you are drunk). She explains that she often has sexual feelings for other people. I tell her I think that is normal, as long as she does not act on them. We have a long talk about this.

Well a few weeks later she makes friends to go out with her friends, when she knew that I had wanted to go out to see a band with her. She decides to go with them instead, so I needed to stay home with our boy. Well it turns out that only two of her friends went with her (the same people that hang out with us when we are together) and they end up hanging out with a few other guys the whole time. This really pissed me off, so I told her as much. We have a long discussion, and it comes out that she is not sure if she still loves me. A lot was discussed, including me acknowledging my insecurities and telling her I needed to work on them. 

Well I started to read NMMNG and Hold onto your N.U.T.s and I see those books as being very helpful for me. Anyway, she said that she wanted to work on our relationship (after all we have a little boy). That is when I started to read the books and try to change myself for the better. Well a few weeks into this, and she is not showing me any affection. She never tells me she loves me. I was trying to 'cool off' and not be so needy, but when I did this I got nothing from her. So basically if I did not put forth the effort to tell her I loved her or try to be intimate, then nothing happened. I can not live like this. So I told her that if she want this to work, she needs to put forth some effort or perhaps she should move out for a while. She said she did not know what to do, she can't just start loving me again. So she packed up her bags and went to a friends house.

We are still in contact. I have our son with me in our house. I take him to daycare (where she works) and she takes him home. I told her yesterday that I feel as though I have done everything for her and I am done. I said as long as she does not know what she needs to do to work with me on our relationship, her happiness was no longer my concern. I am only concerned with my happiness and my son's (who frankly is not happy not seeing his mom in the morning).

I know this is a long story, but I simply do not know what to do...does anyone have any advice?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yep, yor wife most likely had sex the first night . She wants a single life with the added security of a marriage life you provide. She might well be cheating on you all this time because you do seem to have some denial about the whole thing. Let's say I wouldn't be surprised if she did cheat on you. You can snoop on her accounts and find them out if you want to.

You are better off without her in the long run. Living with people like her is the ultimate hell for any loving partner. Find a woman that will love for what you are. This woman is a train wreck and will destroy you if you go along. File for divorce and only consider taking her back under heavy weightlifting on her part


And you aren't insecure. You are uncomfortable with your wife's boundaries with other men.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont mention if your wife works. I would say leave as soon as possible. Once a woman and perhaps even a man 'looks' elsewhere they usually dont stop. You mention religion. Do I understand you to mean that this kept her from looking elsewhere till you dropped it.


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## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

Well I am 100% certain she did not have sex the first night. I have been shamefully snooping in her accounts for a few weeks now and if she has been cheating she has been doing a hell of a job hiding it...

She does work...she does not make nearly as much as I do, but she does work. I should not have mentioned religion, I do not really want anyone getting side tracked by that. She was as much into the religion as I was. I only mentioned it as a possible source of resentment (us getting married too young).

Actually last night there have been some new developments that I will need to expound on later. Thanks for your replies.


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## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

So things have gotten worse. On St. Patrick's Day (this was a few days before she decided to stay with her friend) we went out with some of her friends. Well I had waaaay too much to drink (the night ended horribly for me and the next day was atrocious). Anyway, we were talking about the state of things between us on Wednesday and she is being really silent. The kind of silence where I know she has something to say, but is scared to say it. It turns out that while we were out, she started up a conversation with some guy at the bar. Apparently even I talked to him, and told him I was her husband. I do not remember this (or much of the night). Well, she ended up kissing this guy while I was doing god knows what. Her friends saw this and stopped her.

Of course this gets me really upset. Actually I have never been so outraged in my life, and I have never spoken to her so harshly and with so much anger in our short marriage. I left the house to get some air, and to talk to my brother. She calls me crying and begs me to come back so we can talk. Reluctantly I do and she says she will do anything to save our marriage. She said she will try harder to be more loving and that she will go to counseling (individually and together). We talked for a long time, and I did eventually calm down. I told her that if there is a chance in hell that this marriage is going to work, then the burden of responsibility is now completely on her.

I was ready that night to file. I don't want a divorce (especially for my son's sake). She seemed really regretful and like she really wants to mend things. So what do I do?

On one hand what kind of man am I if I do not end it? How can I respect myself, or how can she or her friends respect me? I asked her this same question and she said that she thought it would be a more difficult thing forgive her and to stay in the marriage, thus be a greater cause for respect. On the other hand, despite the pain and the anger, I do love her. And I love my son. Both my wife and I came from homes where parents were divorced, and it sucked (and continues to suck).

So I am looking for advice. I know people will say to divorce, and I will be grateful for any advice. But does anyone have advice for how and what could possibly be done to save the marriage. I'm begging for advice!!!


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## MrWombat (Feb 16, 2012)

You are an idiot. You wife is a slt, and has been having sex with half the town these past few years. Prepare yourself for the divorce, because if you don't file, she will. See a lawyer. Keep a diary of the things you do to take care of he kid. Be prepared to fight nd fight dirty for custody. Then sue her for child support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

@MrWombat

Thanks! That is really helpful, calling me an idiot and all! I honestly believe that she has not had sex with anyone else, just kissing other men. 

I am prepared for divorce, I am just not sure if it is what I should do...She would not file. I think she would be too scared of the unknown. I did tell her if it came down to divorce, then I would do anything in my power to make sure I have our son I could care less about child support. The idea of getting child support from her, given our salary difference is laughable. I would be more concerned with giving her alimony, which would be like a repeated slap in the face after a divorce.

Anyone else have any thoughts!


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## MrWombat (Feb 16, 2012)

ltj7708 said:


> @MrWombat
> Thanks! That is really helpful, calling me an idiot and all!


No worries dude. Glad to help - some people just need to be told.


ltj7708 said:


> I honestly believe that she has not had sex with anyone else, just kissing other men.


So , are you happy knowing that your wife kisses other men? Passionately kisses them (I presume)? Are you happy knowing not just that she has jad the toung of another man in her mouth, but that she _wants_ the tongue of another man in her mouth?

Even if she isn't having PIV sex with them (which, btw, I just don't believe and neither should you), does it really matter? Does it really make that much of a difference? Passionate kissing, fondling, feeling the rude bits - it's all sex. It's not like "this counts but that doesn't". Sex is a continuum of behaviour. It's a matter of _degree_. If you are going to draw a line, a cutoff point between "innocent social flirting" and "babymaking", then one of the few clear places to draw that line is at physical contact. Passionate kissing crosses that line. If they are touching intimately, it's over the line. If she's getting wet, if he's getting hard, then it's over the line. It's _all_ sex, it _all_ counts as stuff she ought not be doing with men she is not married to.



ltj7708 said:


> I am prepared for divorce, I am just not sure if it is what I should do...She would not file. I think she would be too scared of the unknown. I did tell her if it came down to divorce, then I would do anything in my power to make sure I have our son I could care less about child support. The idea of getting child support from her, given our salary difference is laughable. I would be more concerned with giving her alimony, which would be like a repeated slap in the face after a divorce.


Yeah. About that.

The courts slap men in the face all the time. Every month, every day. Hell - they don't just slap men in the face, they bend 'em over a stool and sodomise them over a period of years. You are prepared for divorce? Really? You have spoken to a divorce lawyer? You have seen your accountant?


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## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

@MrWombat

Of course I am not happy about this. If I was happy I would not be on this website asking for advice...

You mentioned keeping a diary of the things I do to take care of our son, what is the purpose of this?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I'm on the opposite side completely. Reading your posts, I don't think you actually want a divorce. I think you still love her, and know deep-down that you've both struggled through some growing pains, and she's been missing something from you and your marriage. She's gone much, much too far exploring that on her own, but you somehow understand it although obviously cannot tolerate nor allow it. 

My advice: Don't do anything rash or hasty yet. Stop the momentum. Take some deep breaths, figuratively in your life. What you do now will have repurcussions for your lifetime and your child's lifetime. Divorce is painful all the way around. And costly. Be very sure that is what you want before going down that route.

Ask yourself what YOU want. Find out what SHE wants. Is it marriage, or is it not? If you feel there is opportunity to reconcile, then get yourselves into counseling -- together and individually. Recognize it is a process, and put everything into understanding where you both are at, what you both want. Take your time, THEN decide. You can always move forward with a divorce if that is the path you choose. But going back to work on the marriage, the relationship, the family if it can be saved should be priority #1.

And you both need to grow up a bit, stop drinking and going out to the clubs... what good comes of any of that? With a 16 month old at home? Neither of you belongs in that scene.

What I decided - for the sake of my son, after my wife had similar (non-sex) affair - was that before I decided on divorce, I would be able to look him in the eye, and myself in the mirror, and say that I tried everything I could to make it work.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

So is she back at home or still living with her friend?

Are you still helping to support her by giving her money on the side?

Does she even do anything with your son anymore?

As to being religious, some of the girls who had very religious parents and pushed it on their daughters were some of the easiest to get. Once they got a taste of freedom, they were the worst of the bunch.

Oh, we went to church alright but it was more to score than anything else. I know, I know what some of you are thinking but we were teens with hormones running wild and it was like shooting fish in a barrel, literally.

She seems like she's finally tasted the sweet apple and is intent on going off the deep end before she decides to settle down.

Happens all the time, even with the religious guys who finally are away from home and in college, boy they do know how to party big time.

Not all are like that but it's hard to control yourself when you've been restrained for soooo long.


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## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

@2xloser

You are right in that I do not really want a divorce. As to what she is missing in me and our marriage - she claims nothing. She is really unsure of what she wants or why she does this. Thanks for the advice!

@cheatinghubby
The night we had our big fight we decided to have her move back in. She claimed that she did not want to end the marriage and wanted to work on it (which was more than she wanted when she moved out for a few days). 

I actually just opened my own checking and saving accounts and changed my direct deposit. I will be paying the majority of our bills, with the exception of her student loans and her CC. I will also be giving her some money to cover the cost of things automatically debited from our joint account (gym memberships, daycare, tv etc). I will not be giving her access to my account until I completely believe that she is in this and I have forgiven her (if I do choose to stay in this).

Both of us are very involved in our son's life. He goes to daycare where she works. I will say this for her, she is a great mother and our boy adores her.

As to the religious aspect, she was not very devout growing up. It was only shortly before we got married that she settled down. She was definitely a wild one growing up. I, on the other hand, was not.

Thanks for your thoughts.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

divorce is a life changing event and that is your call to make, she has made far to many mistakes imo but at the same time she was drunk during all of those events, people do stupid stuff when they are intoxicated.

I recommend cooling off, take some time to chill out. Then have a long hear to heart, let her know you are almost ready to file for divorce and one more mistake art this point until you regain trust will be the end.

She should no longer be allowed to go out without you, she has lost that freedom for the time being, until she regains your trust she should be on a VERY SHORT LEASE! if she has a problem with that tell her to pack her things, leave the home and you will be filing for divorce and plan to take full custody of the child (not that you are but sometimes people need a wake up call as to the seriousness of the situation) you need to make it clear you will not be walked all over and that she is treading on very thin ice.

Stop drinking, or atleast limit yourself to a resonable amount, 1-2 drink limit perharps, it seems alchol is the cause many of your problems, the cheating, the crazy fights etc.

I think you have been very patient, maybe to much. But i think there is a chance you can fix thing. You need to open up communication again and cut out temptation if you are unable to resist them.


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## ltj7708 (Mar 7, 2012)

@toshiba2020

Thanks for the input. She was only drunk this last time. We did not drink at all up until three or four months ago. She definitely will not be going out without me anytime soon, unless she wants to do it for good...

I had never had any alcohol to drink my entire life, which is why I have a low tolerance, but that is another topic...


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