# Is this BPD?



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

My wife of 47 years, and I have been going through some troubles in our marriage, lots of fights, anger, disrespect from her. throwing f-bombs in my face daily....I threatened divorce, and we had a big blowup. Afterwards we talked, and decided we needed to work on our relationship. One of my main issues was a never ending series of excuses for no sex. 

We got the 5 Love Languages book, and read it together. It had a profound impact on me. I really got it, as to why we had not been getting along. She also showed some improvement.

The first manifestation of our new problems was a couple of weeks ago. I approached my wife, gave her a massage, and we wound up having wonderful sex. It was over an hour of really good kissing and holding, and lovemaking. I thought I was in heaven. My world was transformed. 

I was in a fog of good feelings the next day, I was fixing dinner, and she says out of the blue, "If you thing giving me massages will lead to sex, I would rather you didn't massage me any more.....I was crushed....It literally felt like I had been kicked in the stomach....I wound up in bed, crying uncontrollably....And she walked in, acting puzzled at my being upset......She just kind of brushed it off in a casual manner, and walked out....

I might mention, that since reading 5ll. I had been paying her a lot of attention, buying her flowers, lots of affection, compliaments, cards, just being very cheerful and upbeat......


Things smoothed over, and we had sex a couple of more times, with no negative results, till last Friday. She was in a negative mood, and being down. I stayed in a cheerful mood, and tried to tease her out of being mad or upset. It seemed to work. 

The next morning, she came into the bedroom after breakast, being affectionate, and said she was sorry for being a brat the day before. We had a wonderful morning, making love for 3 hours. It was the happiest I had been in for weeks. the next day, I was still basking in the afterglow. I spent the whole day walking on air.

Sunday, early in the day we spent a couple of hours cuddling in bed, and talking about just daily affairs and our son.
That night at almost bedtime I was in the living room on my laptop. She was in her bedroom watching tv. Whe walked in while I was typing a reply to a PM from a TAM member who was having trouble. 

She said Bates Motel was coming on, and switched the livingroom tv over to that station. I made eye contact and continued typing but also conversing with her in between. 

She became very angry, saying I wasn't giving her any attention, saying I was more into TAM than her, etc....That I was just using her for sex and why didn't I just pull up porn instead of bothering her......

We had spent half the morning in bed being wonderfully close, and then this turnaround......I had been happy for almost 2 days, some kind of a record, and this one literally broke my heart. 

I had spent the whole day thinking "This is how it can be, we can be this happy all the time, We can talk about issues and not fight. and our life will be absolutely fantastic". I was on cloud nine, and then the big crash AGAIN.....No sleep for most of the night,

Somehow I have lost a whole day here, can't even think...Yesterday, I did the grocery shopping, came home with a dozen roses for her, fixed dinner, fried chicken biscuits, cream gravy, green beans, and rice......She was in and out of the kitchen the whole time, making negative coments, she took a phone call in her room while I was taking off the chicken. I fixed my dad a plate, (he is 97 and lives with us)...I was really down from her attitude, and just ate a piece of chicken and sat there staring at my plate...

She storms into the kitchen, says "Why didn't you call me for dinner"...She was on the phone, She lives her, she knew it was ready... 

Then procedes to go into the kitchen, fix herself some ramen noodles and eat them for dinner.

Sshe came into my room after finishing her noodles, and tried to smooth things over. She said she dosn't know why she acts the way she does, and knows something is wrong.....I had had zero sleep the night before, and we decided to work on it today.....Has anyone had similar experiences to this? It just seems like when she sees happiness, she has to do something to smash it.....

I told her If making love to her resulted in getting my heart broken every time, I would just bring my laptop into my bedroom and masterbate to porn......


I am at the end of my rope...Am I being too self centered, am I expecting too much? I just want to love my wife, and not fight...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wow, sorry you're going through this. It doesn't sound like Bi-polar and certainly not borderline personality. It actually sounds like she is rather sensitive and is prone to temper tantrums. Childish, yes, but not pathological. HOWEVER, diagnosis should come from clinicians! Not from on line support groups!

I have to say Woodchuck, it sounds like when you were on the laptop and she came in to tell you about the TV show, she was looking for some more attention and you didn't give it so she got angry and threw a hissy fit. Also, failing to call her in for dinner might have also been a little on th careless side, in her eyes at least.

You say you two worked through the 5 Languages of love, have you done the emotional needs check list from the marriage builders web site? You may find you're missing some of her important emotional needs, like acts of service and she's not going to be terribly interested in sex if she feels ignored.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Pink
I don't know...Yesterday she acted like it never happened....I told her that if I am on my laptop and she walks into the room I will just close it...She says "no" you have a right to be on your computer...I keep getting mixed messages...

Today, she let me sleep, and came in and fixed dad's breakfast...She literally never does that...she go's from being nice to lobbing a hand grenade into my room with absolutely no warning...I don't know what to expect.......I hate to think that she is so sensitive that I have to walk on eggshells 24-7. 

The day of the last blowup, I had done the grocery shopping, come home, and cooked a big dinner. I walk with a cane from an old motorcycle accident, and live with a good deal of pain all the time. By the time I had set the table, and fed dad his dinner, I was just too damned tired and hurting too bad to walk down the hall and tell her dinner was ready.....She was in the kitchen when I took the chicken out of the pan, the phone rang, and she went into her room to talk...She knew dinner was ready....

As I am typing this, she is in her room. I would bet any amount of money that I could walk in there, and have great sex for the rest of the morning, and that within 24 hours she would have another BLOWUP.... It's like she subconsiously feels the need to punish me for having sex with her.....

She has always been prone to hissey fits...It is only since reading thr 5LL that I am letting it get to me. I told her I have dropped all my emotional barriers, and am no longer guarding my feelings. In the old days I would just retreat behind my old barriers. But I told her I was not going to do that any more. 

In order to feel "in love" with her, I have to go without my emotional barriers. It lets me feel that "In love" feeling that I have for her, but leaves me emotionally vulnerable....

Have I said something important here?

When you are "In Love" with someone, you don't have emotional barriers, but with time, and little emotional hurts, you begin to put up barriers, or grow a thicker skin, that stops these hurts...BUT that thicker skin stops you from feeling "In Love".......

Hence the old "I love you but I am not in love with you".....

For now I am enjoying the "In Love" feeling too much to put the barriers back up. I guess I will just have to develop some other coping methods...


Wish me luck
the woodchuck


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You have hit the nail on the head, IMO, a few times in your post.
1. "It's like she subconsiously feels the need to punish me for having sex with her"
2. "It is only since reading thr 5LL that I am letting it get to me. I told her I have dropped all my emotional barriers, and am no longer guarding my feelings"

And for the home run....

3. In order to feel "in love" with her, I have to go without my emotional barriers. It lets me feel that "In love" feeling that I have for her, but leaves me emotionally vulnerable....

Talk to her about this pattern of hissy fits. Explain how it hurts and explain why it's important that she understand how her behavior affects your ability to continue to be open.

Excellent job Woodchuck! You don't need luck, you've got this, but good luck anyway.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> she go's from being nice to lobbing a hand grenade into my room with absolutely no warning...I don't know what to expect.......I hate to think that she is so sensitive that I have to walk on eggshells 24-7.


Woodchuck, how long has this Jekyll-Hyde behavior been going on in your 47 year marriage? That is, has your W always been this way, flipping in a few seconds between loving you and devaluing you?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Woodchuck, how long has this Jekyll-Hyde behavior been going on in your 47 year marriage? That is, has your W always been this way, flipping in a few seconds between loving you and devaluing you?


No, this is within the past 4-5 months...Although before that she would withdraw, brood for a while, and then come out LOOKING for a fight....

I finally got into a "No fight" mode, and just refuse to be goaded into a fight.....

She dosn't like drama, but is extremely hard headed and opinionated...And when she gets herself in to a resentful mood, is hell on wheels...


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> You have hit the nail on the head, IMO, a few times in your post.
> 1. "It's like she subconsiously feels the need to punish me for having sex with her"
> 2. "It is only since reading thr 5LL that I am letting it get to me. I told her I have dropped all my emotional barriers, and am no longer guarding my feelings"
> 
> ...


Pink
Thanks for the kind words....I am just getting tired of thinking we are making progress, and then everything crashes....

Right before the last blowup, I was thinking how wonderful the last couple of days had been and how great our retirement could be If we could keep going like we were, and she walks in and delivers a spinning back kick to the groin....I mean she should be in MMA the way she can take me down.

After getting groceries I picked up a dozen roses, and coming up the drive stopped and cut some sprays of dogwood blossoms to go with them...She said "Don't buy any more flowers, they're expensive". 

We hade some hard financial times when we first got married, I was 19, but had a good job for a 19 yo...Now we are very comfortable...In fact we were getting quotes for all new furniture and granite countertops last week...

I feel like dropping the roses one by one down the garbage disposal...

The only reason I keep trying is that I truly love her...

Wish me luck
the woodchuck

PS the woodchuck monicker is because we got married on groundhog day....Kinda ironic..


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> No, this is within the past 4-5 months...


Woodchuck, as Pink already observed, you are not describing the traits of bipolar or BPD. Both of those disorders start early in life, typically showing strongly at puberty (for BPD) or the late teens (for bipolar). The symptoms don't lie hidden for 50 years and then suddenly appear in "the past 4-5 months."


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Woodchuck, please do the emotional needs checklist on Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice web site. I really think your wife is oblivious to how her reactions to your gifts hurt! My H pointed out this very thing, not that he has brought home flowers for me EVER! But for his rare compliments that were vague I would shoot him down in the same way your wife is doing. You gotta tell her! Take the risk of letting your feelings be known to her? Please?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Is there something going on in the marriage she is angry about and holds resentment for? Sounds more like that than an actual mental illness.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Jamison said:


> Is there something going on in the marriage she is angry about and holds resentment for? Sounds more like that than an actual mental illness.


She is taking medication for neuropathy in her feet, and for the last six months has been unable to orgasm...She was always orgasmic before...I said I would do without sex, or initiate less often, and she said that wouldn't be fair to me....But I would rather do without than get kicked around afterwards like she has been doing.....

I told her I thought she was punishing me because I still enjoyed sex...Maybe that will give her food for thought....

the woodchuck


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Woodchuck, as Pink already observed, you are not describing the traits of bipolar or BPD. Both of those disorders start early in life, typically showing strongly at puberty (for BPD) or the late teens (for bipolar). The symptoms don't lie hidden for 50 years and then suddenly appear in "the past 4-5 months."


I was afraid of that...At least you can take lithium for bi-polar...There isn't any treatment for hissy fits.....

the woodchuck


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> I was afraid of that...At least you can take lithium for bi-polar...There isn't any treatment for hissy fits.


Actually, Woodchuck, there is medication for it when it is caused by a temporary change in hormones (as occurs during puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, menstruation, and a mid-life change). Every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at low levels if they are healthy. 

A dramatic hormone change can cause our BPD traits to flare up, becoming very strong (e.g., hissy fits) for a while. Puberty- and postpartum-induced hormone changes, for example, can last two or three years.

When strong BPD traits are temporary and caused by hormones, the doctor can prescribe medication to offset the hormone change. Life-long BPD traits, however, cannot be treated with medication. Has your W been evaluated for a possible hormone problem? Another possibility is a side effect of a powerful medicine, perhaps that used to treat her neuropathy.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Holy cow, the lack of orgasm would sure as hell make me crazy! 

What is she taking? Can it be changed to something that would dull ALL her nerve endings?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

She was embarrased to tell her neurologist about the problem. I am going to take matters into my own hands and speak to him about it at her next appointment. It is in a couple of weeks...As to a possible hormonal problem, she is 68 and on HRT...I might mention she is nosey and reads all my TAM posts....She was a little snippy all day yesterday, then came to bed and initiated sex....Still a roller coaster, but the low was endurable, and the high, exhilarating..


Wish me luck
the woodchuck


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...if there is a pattern of intimacy and withdrawal, it might be a good idea to try talking about it and ask her what she's going through. I wonder if she has a pattern of getting angry and then dismissing her own emotions?
...maybe go through a book on nonviolent communication first?

--Argyle


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Had a couple of good weeks...Easter was absolutely wonderful...Got up this morning, fixed breakfast for me and dad...He was slow eating his cheerios and finishing his coffee, so I sat down at my laptop and got online....

The wife walked in about 20 minutes later....My and dads coffee cups and his cereal bowl were still on the table....Suddenly I am the pr1ck of the universe...stacked up on the table..yada yada yada....

I tried to explain that dad had been slow finishing and I was going to pick up when I got off line...She was having none of it...What if I didn't pick up....up to the ceiling yada yada 
yada....All of this over two lousey coffee cups and a cereal bowl....

After I spent most of yesterday with her shopping for new furniture.....And after I have been doing most of the cooking, grocery shopping, etc....

I was pissed that she would throw away all the good feelings I thought we had had over the past two or three weeks over a couple of fu-cking coffee cups....

I went out and started working on my car...Putting on some seat covers I had gotten for Christmas....

She came out and stormed off in her 4WD....I Went to the car wash, and vacuumed the floorboards, stopped and got the oil changed. Got home and she was still gone.......

Went into the BR and lay down...she came back, and it was still all my fault...then she brings up sex again...I only give you sex to shut you up......

I don't know how much more I can stand. I would give her anything, all she wants is my self respect...After a couple of hours she sort of appologises, and we sort of make up...She go's outside, and comes back in in in a few minutes and is in her room crying...She says the whole day is ruined and It is my fault....

I told her I would never trouble her for sex again, and she dosn't want to hear that either...

I am just screwed...I don't know what I am going to do...guess I will bring the laptop into the bedroom and buy a big pump bottle of lube......:rofl:


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...have you tried coming back later and asking her what's going on? Like, say, discussing things when she's in a good mood?

Option 1: There's actually stuff she's really upset about and is maybe not even admitting to herself. Then she's blowing up over unrelated stuff.

Option 2: She may be having severe mood swings and having trouble coping.

...other bit is...regardless...participating in nonconstructive conversations builds a habit of communicating in ways that are destructive to your R/S. So, eg, sitting around and listening to her vent may not be a good idea - particularly since you tend to respond in a fairly hostile fashion...which is reasonable...but not too helpful. (...I'll never bother you for sex again==goodbye, in most people's minds...)

...whatever is happening...something has changed and your old methods of relating to each other aren't working as well as they used to. So, it might be time to try changing a bit.

...seriously...might want to pick up a book on nonviolent communication, go through it together if possible, and communicate that you love her very much, but that these fights are pretty hard on the R/S, and that you're only willing to communicate if you both are trying to communicate in a constructive fashion. That means...taking turns, listening, showing understanding, and avoiding hurtful speech. Then, if either of you are too emotionally distressed to communicate peacefully, take a timeout. Whatever unpleasant emotion she's feeling that's resulting in these outbursts is probably a reasonable reaction to whatever's going on in her life and shouldn't just be dealt with by weathering outbursts and then ignoring the root cause. 'Mastering the Mysteries of Love' is a lovely, free course that might be offered nearby that really can help marital communication.

--Argyle


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

I think Uptown is onto something regarding a physical imbalance being the root of these dysphoric moods. I do have bipolar and am recovering from C-PTSD (borderline). I call those dysphoric states "the monster eye". Everything i look at is hideous and wrong, the extremity of my rage and despair is limitless. And yes, sometimes I treat my love as though only his self respect could sate me. But it wouldn't, i am inconsolable because of my past and because of my brain state. It is a miserable place to be like this.

Since the Monster Eye is new to your wife, she should have an endocrinology screening. Adrenal problems cand result in personality changes and so can hyperthyroid. And as Uptown said, doublecheck the hormones.

I find it very comforting sometimes to know that i am sick, not a Terrible Person. It can be very demoralizing to be overtaken by dysphoria.
Also, regarding what you said about becoming more emotionally open and vulnerable and in love, WOW! That was beautiful and inspiring to read. I always recommend Karla McLaren to learn about "The Language of Emotions". Emotional contagion, or picking up how other people are feeling, is just the first step on the path of empathy. And it can be very confusing, as other people's emotions start to invade your space, crowd yours out. But empathic skills are so very rewarding. Your courage to feel is a masterful decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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