# New Poster: Sorry - novel length



## JLeav (Aug 30, 2015)

My story…long and a mess. Bare with me. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Me (27yo female), husband (28yo military man) + 2 kids (ages 6 & almost 4, both special needs). We’ve been married 8 years, together for 10 – I was young and in love when we got married, thought he was definitely ‘the one.’ He left for Iraq the first time shortly after we meet, his mom died about 5 months into his deployment so he came home for her funeral and then went back. This was around the time they were doing 15 month deployments, he ended up doing just 13 months because he was injured (on the FOB, not on a mission) and came back for surgery/PT. 

That first year he was back was great – we got married and moved into an apartment – life was great. After the 1st year, I noticed there were some issues with porn – I’m not opposed to porn but it’s a problem when you turn down your wife to go jerk off to porn at odd hours at night. We talked about it, about how it hurt me when he would refuse me – I had a really high drive then and it just crushed me knowing that he would turn me down but take care of himself just a few hours later. He promised to be more considerate and for a while he was. We moved about 17 hours from family due to military orders shortly before our 1 year anniversary. I’m used to the military life (military brat) so it was no big deal to me. 

18 months into our marriage, I got pregnant. We were over the moon excited about it. He was born shortly before our 2nd year anniversary with a heart condition and spent 28 days in the NICU. The day we brought him home, my husband left for a month long military training gearing up for his 2nd deployment – leaving me alone with a newborn with a heart condition and away from family. I was ok. I had ‘it.’ Month went by, he came home from training and had about 3-4 weeks before he left for his next deployment (also to Iraq). We spent the time together, got family pictures, etc. It was nice. No major issues. 

He left for his deployment, we decided I would quit my job and just stay home with our son and finish up school. I had friends around so I wasn’t ‘alone.’ I just spent my time with our son and on school work, waiting for him to return. I the faithful and dutiful wife. We bought a house during his leave. Towards the end of the deployment it turns out he was ‘just talking’ to old girlfriends from high school – I felt like the conversations were a bit too flirty. We talked about it and moved on. “Rugswept” is what it’s called. Lol. I went back to work and continued on with school towards the end of the deployment. 

He came home from the deployment – no major issues overseas – I got pregnant again with our daughter. The pregnancy went fine. Our relationship had some rocky parts with trying to learn to live together again. There was some lying on his part about doing things (like changing the oil in my car – he said he did but he really didn’t. Just little things like that). Our daughter was born later that year. In December, I graduated with my 2 year degree. The very same day I received my certificate, I found photos of my husband – naked and with a female’s name written on his chest – that he had sent to her. I also found a 2nd cell phone, one of those pre-paid phones. I was blindsided. This was a huge step from his previous mis-steps. And then it turns out that he was doing all of this around the time our daughter was born (about 3 months prior). I told him to get in counseling or to get out. He chooses counseling. I started to distance myself from him then - I was just hurt but not in a place to support myself and two kids on my own. 

Six weeks later, in Jan. 2012, we had a home invasion – the intruder shot my husband in the leg. I was at work and kids at daycare. He was home alone that day, going into work late. It was a really scary day. The intruder ran and has not been caught. I developed anxiety, OCD and depression. I could not function although I tried really hard. I was waking up at all hours of the night, checking on my kids, checking the doors and the windows. I would have flashes of something terrible happening to my kids; I was, quite literally, crazy in my head. Took me 8 months to seek medication and help. We had gone to counseling for him to overcome the aftermath – he spent 3 months in a full leg cast. We flew down random family members to come stay with him so he wouldn’t be alone. He never wanted to talk about it, just seemed ‘fine.’ Whenever I would try to talk about it, he would brush me off so I stopped bringing it up. It wasn’t “my” terrible event since I wasn’t home so I felt bad by talking about it. We rugswept the photos and 2nd phone due to the home invasion. I tried to leave it in the past, but it was hard. 

I ended up quitting my job after 2 years because I was a zombie with the anxiety/depression and we had started to notice some issues in my daughter. She was nearly a year old at this point and was still unable to sit on her own. Something was wrong. My husband was on board with me quitting my job – we wanted to focus on the kids, get them into therapy (son has autism, daughter was undiagnosed but in therapy). I threw myself into that and continued with my studies.

Daughter’s 1 year birthday came around, my husband is away for military training. His training happens to be near family so I went up there to celebrate her birthday and picked him up from base to come celebrate with us. It was a fantastic weekend. Simply amazing. A week later, he is arrested for shoplifting. A $15 pair of sunglasses. He said he simply forgot there were in his hand and walked out. He’s never done anything like that before so I believed him. He was forced out of the training and came home. A month later, I found out he had been on the phone with someone in our town who had “randomly texted him about a hookup and he played along.” Her name was “Tony” and they exchanged naked photos/explicit text. I was furious. 

Fast forward two years, he lost his military career due to being arrested. Although he had an outstanding military career and got far pretty fast, that one incident was enough to force him out. He was allowed to join the Army Reserves last year in a unit in TN. We moved over Thanksgiving week to TN, rented out our beloved home and just went. He found a civilian job, Jan. 2015 and went to work. We seemed to be on our way to happy and adjusted. In the two years of him being arrested, we didn’t have a single incident (that I knew of) and were on our way of getting our sh*t together. Our daughter had been diagnosed with a metabolic disorder at this point and our son has autism – we were up to 15 hours a week in therapy between the two of them. I’ve received my Bachelor’s degree and work from home for a company based in Las Vegas. I felt like superwoman doing it all.

Valentine’s Day of this year, he faked an orgasm during sex with me. I knew he had faked it and immediately knew something was up. Checked his email account and sure enough, January – not even 10 days after starting his new job – I found an email he sent to someone on Craigslist looking for hookups. In a city close to his next military training for the following month (March). Thankfully, she didn’t respond to him but…..anyways, I kicked him out. He stayed gone up until he left for the month long school. During his military training, we talked about getting into marriage counseling and set up our first appointment. He came home and that very first week we had our first meeting. I was like “ok, this time we’ll make real progress.” Later that night he lied to my face about watching porn on the couch, even though he knew he had been caught. So I said, “screw this, I’m taking the kids and moving to FL to be near my family.” I was tired of being lied to and disrespected. 

I told him he could stay in TN and do his thing or he could come to FL with us and get real help. I figured that if he came to FL and messed up again, I would at least be near family. My family had known NOTHING up until this point but I finally just couldn’t’ take it anymore. In June we moved to FL, he chose to come with us and got himself into counseling. The summer went pretty well. We did a lot of things as a family and having support nearby has proven to be beneficial to me and the kids. 

He left the end of July for a 5 week military training. A week into the training I found out he meet a girl in a bar, got her number and spent the weekend talking to her. The following Monday he took her out for coffee. I felt like the whole summer was a lie. Our entire marriage has been a waste, except that I have two beautiful and awesome kids. I finally exposed him to his family – who have advised me to run, but they’d love to see us work it out (but would understand if I run). He and I have been talking these last couple weeks while he’s still gone – I once again begged for him to get marriage counseling with me (pathetic I know). Just last night, he ignored my text messages but was texting his buddies until 1am. He was with his buddies until 3am, knowing that he has a 10 hour drive home today. He called me at 7am this morning all chipper and upbeat. And here I am, just feeling ignored, used, and beaten down. My family will respect my decision, no matter what I decide, but they have decided that they can’t trust him. 

I can’t file for divorce yet because FL requires that you live here for 6 months, which will be December 1st. I’m self-employed now, with clients in NYC, and could provide for myself and kids on my own. It would be tough, but I could do it. Our savings accounts have taken a beating due to 2 moves less than 8 months apart and we’re still paying on some medical bills for our daughter. I know what needs to be done. I have a neon sign in front of me flashing all of the time. I feel like all of the good times really were not good times, that it was all fake. 

The kicker is, I love him. I wanted the house, white picket fence and whole nine yards. But I have emotionally distanced myself. I wanted so desperately for my marriage to work – for my kids to have both parents. I don’t know if he has depression (although I suspect that he does) or maybe a personality disorder. He always says he sorry for hurting me and that he’ll change – and he does for a little bit – but it never lasts. I’m always waiting for the next shoe to drop. It’s a lonely place to be. I no longer trust him. Actions speak way louder than words for me and right now everything is just screaming at me to get out before things escalate further. I keep thinking that something is wrong with me to stay this long. Why do I put up with this? 

EDIT: He plans on doing back to back military training starting in Jan. 2016 - and his unit is possibly deploying sometime next year. He says it's for the money for our family. And he's good at his job - really good at his job. I'm just wishing that at some point his family would come first, instead of always an afterthought.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here. Just an ear (or eye) to listen to me.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

He sounds like a guy who doesn't know what he really wants, just whatever is in front of him at the time. If it's you saying "get counselling," he'll do that. If it's his libido talking while he's away from home, he'll do that. Did he join the military because it was what he actually wanted to do, or did enough people just advise him it was a good idea?

You don't love him as he is. You love the IDEA of him that you have in your head, of what he could be if he really wanted it. But if he isn't willing to work on himself, and he obviously isn't, he'll never be the man you love.

You put up with him as he is now because you are the type of person who WILL work on themselves, and it's hard to fathom that he isn't. He's the type of person who follows orders instead of demonstrating initiative. Maybe that's why he likes the military life.

I think he knows he doesn't want to spend his life with you, but doesn't know what to do about it. He keeps acting like an ******* in the belief you'll kick him out, but you never do, you just force him into counselling all the time.

I know you wrote more to vent than to receive advice, but hopefully the act of writing it all down has made it more obvious what you need to do.


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## JLeav (Aug 30, 2015)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> He sounds like a guy who doesn't know what he really wants, just whatever is in front of him at the time. If it's you saying "get counselling," he'll do that. If it's his libido talking while he's away from home, he'll do that. Did he join the military because it was what he actually wanted to do, or did enough people just advise him it was a good idea?
> 
> You don't love him as he is. You love the IDEA of him that you have in your head, of what he could be if he really wanted it. But if he isn't willing to work on himself, and he obviously isn't, he'll never be the man you love.
> 
> ...


He's wanted to be in the military since a small boy. He has hundreds upon hundreds of military books in his book collection. He wants to die an honorable death. The whole shebang. He's also in a leadership position - still talking orders from someone - but also giving orders out. Graduated at the top of his class yesterday for this new training. When he wants something, he WANTS it and will give it his all. I just don't think he wants a family, although he'll say otherwise, until it's convenient for him to have a family around.

When I did kick him out earlier this year, it was like a switch flipped - he was sad and crying, begging to come back. I made him stay out until his training started, then he went to training and we talked while he was gone. I let him come back. 

I think maybe I've just let him walk all over me for too long. It's time to draw the line and stick to it. Although moving to FL was something I NEVER thought I'd do and I stuck to my guns on that one. It wasn't a big enough wake up call. Perhaps divorce papers will be.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

JLeav said:


> My story…long and a mess. Bare with me. Long time lurker, first time poster.
> 
> Me (27yo female), husband (28yo military man) + 2 kids (ages 6 & almost 4, both special needs). We’ve been married 8 years, together for 10 – I was young and in love when we got married, thought he was definitely ‘the one.’ He left for Iraq the first time shortly after we meet, his mom died about 5 months into his deployment so he came home for her funeral and then went back. This was around the time they were doing 15 month deployments, he ended up doing just 13 months because he was injured (on the FOB, not on a mission) and came back for surgery/PT.
> 
> ...


*But do you really want a lifetime of incessant lying and constant rugsweeping to govern what should preeminently be a loving marriage? 

Don't second guess yourself ~ you did the right thing! Stick to your guns! You deserve far better out of life!*


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *But do you really want a lifetime of incessant lying and constant rugsweeping to govern what should preeminently be a loving marriage?
> 
> Don't second guess yourself ~ you did the right thing! Stick to your guns! You deserve far better out of life!*


This^^^

I hate to say it, but he does not respect you, or appreciate what you do/have done for the family. He is too busy looking for ways to pursue other women and get away with it.

You mention that he talks to these other women, etc... Do you know if any of those have gone physical? Or are you relying on your husbands words. From what you have told in your story, it would be hard to believe anything your husband says.


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## JLeav (Aug 30, 2015)

Tito Santana said:


> This^^^
> 
> I hate to say it, but he does not respect you, or appreciate what you do/have done for the family. He is too busy looking for ways to pursue other women and get away with it.
> 
> You mention that he talks to these other women, etc... Do you know if any of those have gone physical? Or are you relying on your husbands words. From what you have told in your story, it would be hard to believe anything your husband says.


I don't have proof of anything physically happening with any of these women. One girl he went to training with in March, happened to also be in this last training with him. Her unit is in NY. They are 'totally just friends' and by chance got put in the same class again. lol. Yea right.

I don't believe that he's never had a PA/one night stand. I just don't have proof. I try to stick to the facts and not on my emotions, which is super hard - I'm an emotional person. I can give him the evidence I have and he'll still deny it or spin a different story. 

He'll be free soon enough - minus child support that will have to be paid - and I tell you what, he's going to miss me.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You say you try to stick to the facts, but just because you don't have absolute proof of his having sex with someone else doesn't mean it's not a fact. I would argue that it's inarguable that he is cheating. He might just be a manchild who still has a lot of growing up to do, or he is a serial cheater. In either case, you are not his priority. You and the children are the background noise to his real life, which is the life of a military man who spends most of his time on his own, free to hook up if he wants to.

You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. You haven't done this. If you kick him out and he has an epiphany and grows up, then there's a chance for reconciliation. If you kick him out and his behavior doesn't change past the reflexive 'sorrys' and weeping, then you know that you need to move on. 

It's my opinion that you should move on anyway. You have two small children to care for. They deserve a mother who isn't eaten up with heartache all the time. They deserve your focus, as well as an emotionally peaceful home environment. Letting him go would be better not just for you, but for the kids as well, in my opinion. I hope you find the strength to just say 'no' to this painful pattern you are in.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Jleav:

Retired Army here.

I would bet a months pension at least one of those went physical. I think you are able to lie to yourself simply because you don't have concrete proof. I know the culture of the military. Hook ups are frequent, especially in training environments. What does your gut say?

As for your husband, kick him out flat on his @$$. If he begs, too bad. Crying? Sorry. Until he feels consequences, he will not respect the marriage. 

The last piece... What did his unit say when you exposed the infidelity? Rhetorical, right? UCMJ likely would have followed. 

Your husband is still a little boy with a lot of growing up to do. You deserve better.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

What a whirlwind. 
Thank goodness you worked hard to have a good education under your belt! 

Simply put, he's not marriage material. It doesn't matter whether he's a great this or that... What you wanted was a great husband and well, he sucks at it. 

His first affair told you as much. 

I think you know what to do. You really want your kids to learn to stay with and give infinite chances to a spouse that would treat THEM that way? Because every second you stay is reinforcing that lesson.

Youll have family nearby. Sounds like you'll be fine. It'll be a tough step but at least you'll know exactly where you'll stand for a change.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Sorry to say you have rugswept his foul and disrespectful behavour your whole marriage.

Until he feels consequences for his behavour nothing will ever change.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is not, and probably never will be, marriage material.

He has psychological/psychiatric problems that are likely involving personality disorders.

Move on from him. It's not going to be easy but it is the best way forward for you and your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JLeav (Aug 30, 2015)

Thanks everyone. I've been reading this forum for a while now - it's because of this forum that I'm able to "just move on." Meeting with the lawyer on Friday!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The second time I read this I thought home invasion my ass, pissed off husband I bet.

Did you do any follow up with the detectives on the case? Did you check phone records or emails and texts around that time to see who he was communicating with before and after the shooting? Were there signs of a struggle? Where in the house was the shooting?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JLeav said:


> Thanks everyone. I've been reading this forum for a while now - it's because of this forum that I'm able to "just move on." Meeting with the lawyer on Friday!


I'm so sorry that you've been forced to deal w/ all of this.

That said, I'm VERY IMPRESSED w/ you overall.

Kudos!


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## JLeav (Aug 30, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> The second time I read this I thought home invasion my ass, pissed off husband I bet.
> 
> Did you do any follow up with the detectives on the case? Did you check phone records or emails and texts around that time to see who he was communicating with before and after the shooting? Were there signs of a struggle? Where in the house was the shooting?


The person wore a size 15 shoe - as shoe prints were taken off my front door where they kicked it in, my husband was shot in the back hallway in his uniform as he was getting ready for work. Detectives went through the thought of "he shot himself" but the evidence at the scene suggested otherwise. DNA evidence of another male was also found in the area where the struggle happened. 

For a little while, I thought someone's boyfriend/husband showed up. Seriously. BUT our neighborhood was being hit badly as far as break ins go around then and it had appeared that no one was home that day. It was odd to me that he didn't want to talk about it, but he's not a very emotional person - never has been.


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## JLeav (Aug 30, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> I'm so sorry that you've been forced to deal w/ all of this.
> 
> That said, I'm VERY IMPRESSED w/ you overall.
> 
> Kudos!


Thanks.  It's taken a really long time to get here though. Thankfully I'm only 27 and still have much of my life left.


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