# Do I stay or do I go?



## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

I'd ideally like to "fix" my 8 year marriage (no kids) but I'm not sure where to start. 

My husband suffers from generalized anxiety, PTSD (he's a cop), and depression. He has a history of abusing painkillers. He got himself clean a few years ago and got on anti-depressants. So he switched from crazy mood swings to complete apathy. Now, he's taking less anti-depressants because that was truly affecting both of us - he didn't leave the couch all day, hardly talked, and spent hours looking at porn (according to him to "feel" something). His depressive, anxiety and drug behavior have caused us serious intimacy issues. He lied to me about how much he was buying (so finances) and stole any prescriptions of mine (I had surgery twice and he stole those). He's also received money from his parents that he hid from me and proceeded to spend on all little toys for himself - nothing for me or the household. 
He's back on painkillers (on a controlled basis, but still...), anti-anxiety and anti-depressants. He holds a job and brings in a pension. That's large issue number one. 

Number two issue is that he is a follower, not a leader. I chose him because I'd always been with A-type personality guys and I was sick of catering to their egos and never measuring up. I wanted an introvert like myself. So I found one but to the extreme. I have to plan everything - our social life, our vacations, our finances, our meals, etc. If it weren't for me, we would never leave the house. I even drive most of the times we go out because he prefers it. 

He is very inexperienced in long term relationships. Here's a quote that threw me a couple of years ago "you're not my best friend, you're my wife". Doesn't that say a lot??? His apathy towards me really came to a head last year when I had major surgery and he (1) suggested he drop me off at the hospital, go to work and swing by later (2) showed up 2 hours late to pick me up the next day, and (3) never once while I was recooperating at home, called or texted me to see how I was doing or if I needed anything. It took him 5 days before he said "so how are you doing?" for the first and last time. I realized guys are not great nurturers (in general) but c'mon. That is just not normal. 

Now I know I'm not perfect. I know I ignored a lot of red flags: he had no close friends (even though we lived in his home town), he was "sick" whenever we went north to my town (to meet my family, friends, etc) which turned out to be his anxiety - he didn't share this with me until after we were married. And I admit not knowing anything about being supportive to his depression and anxiety (although I myself suffer from panic attacks). 

My trust, faith and respect for him have taken a HUGE hit. I don't believe I'm in love with him anymore. I still like him - when he's himself between mood swings or drug induced activity. We haven't had sex in 3 months and its normally (over the past 3 years or so) down to once a month. Several reasons - one; I no longer respect him so its hard to feel the warm and fuzzies, two; I never know what state he's going to be in when he does initiate (imagine only having sex with a drunk partner - when you're sober - its messy, doesn't always end in orgasm, then he passes out - bad sex all around) and three; we both want the other one to be the aggressor in bed. I'll only initiate when I believe he's sober, but again, I rarely feel in the mood anymore. We're at the point where we each flinch when the other first touches us. How sad is that???

He won't get counselling- I've tried. For himself or for us. He basically said he'd rather divorce than talk to a stranger about personal issues. I've tried talking to him (not yelling, very rational) but he literally just stares at me and will not discuss a thing. Will not open his mouth. I've never experienced such a thing. I've tried saying "perhaps now is not a good time, I don't want you to feel defensive. So I'm here when you're ready to talk." But he never gets back to me. I mean, doesn't he want things to be better? How can he be happy just having a roommate (no intimacy, no sex)? 

So I feel like my only course of action is to say we go to counselling or we get divorced. I hate to play that card. And if I say it, I have to mean it so I'll have to see a lawyer in advance and get my ducks in a row. I know I'll get screwed financially (I left a high paying job with no possible return to move south with him for his career). He'll continue to get both a salary and pension and a cadillac healthcare plan. I work, but at 1/4 the pay of what I used to make.

That's my venting! Any suggestions?


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## ShannonT (Sep 4, 2014)

Sarah, I share your frustration. I am currently married to an {A-type}guy. I went through everything you are experiencing for 5 years. Your husband is being very selfish and uncaring just like mine. I finally got fed up and in a fit of anger and desperation I left. I just walked out the door with a small bag of personal items. in short, I ended up getting involved with another man very shortly after I left him. He ended up in rehab. Then with another woman as well. in short, I spiraled down hill. He made great progress in a positive way. for the last 5 months he never gave up on me, he pursued me relentlessly to prove his love for me, to show how sorry he was for the way he treated me. it has taken a lot to get me back but because I was so angry and hurt. It has been a huge struggle because of the infidelity. I realized that leaving him "woke him up" but I deeply regret getting involved with someone else. I am making progress in a positive way but its a struggle. The shock of how abruptly I left and not speaking to him for several weeks at a time, forced him to recognize and fix his issues. Just don't make my mistake, if you decide to go. And by the way, for me personally, I waited way to long to leave. I wish you the best.


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