# How much will someone change



## confused7566 (Dec 3, 2012)

I just left my house a few days ago and now I have been doing a lot of thinking and need some advise. Here is my story.

I have been married for 4 years and with her for 5 more. We do not have any children so that makes things a lot simplier. I haev been thinking of taking some time off for a while but since she threw me out it made it easy. It's not that I have fallen out of love but have been growing apart for a while. We are independent people and it's more apparent. This last arguement stemmed from a previous arguement over responsibility. We both are stubborn on certain things and don't work well together on things as I would expect. She is a good person and neither of us has ever cheated or anything like that. I am seeing differences that are making me want to go our seperate ways. She is a lot more selfish and I have a open heart to people and situations and that leads to many arguements. I feel I may have set the pace for some of our money arguements as She is a saver and I am always broke but I pay 90% of the bills and she does not so it's easy to save. She never lived on her own so she never experianced the costs of things. 

What has really gotten to me is the way she talks down to me and treats me like a child rather than a equal. When we argue I am the type who wants to walk away for a bit to think and she wants to deal with it now. It has gotten to the point that I am not happy being around her and even find myself stalling to get home so I don't have to deal with her as much.I am sick of arguements. We have discussed our problems many times but it just keeps things quiet for a short time. Also she is very career driven and we do want kids but She has made it clear she will never be a stay at home mother as we earlier discussed. 

I feel that Iv'e been in that comfort zone and I like what we have like our weekend property, I enjoy her family etc so I have stuck around just expecting for things to change. One other issue is her Mother works for me so that is going to cause some hurt one way or another. 

I have been through some financial hardships and lost my last house to foreclosure and the house we now live in is in her name. During the last arguement she told me to leave her house even though I pay the mortgage and most bills. 

After reading it seems like my problems are minor but to me they are not, My questions is for example with counsleing what's the chance things will be a good long fix? I just belive that some of our issues are maybe just too big to deal with and maybe my real soul mate is there will less issues. I know all couples have problems from time to time but I am at my boiling point. Here is my main question from others experiance, How much fixing can be done and when is it time to just realize maybe we are both good people with different perspectives in life? I will update as things go along so maybe I can help others through my situation.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

generally people don't change. even when they say they will.

it's possible to change but it's up to each individual.

all you can do is fix yourself and move forward.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

I think you need the dust to settle down . Just separate and go from there . If she gets a posOM then you know is over .

If you only change and she stay as is , then is no point to get back together , it won't work !

Keep in mind , you can't force her to be an house mom . If you still manage to do it , one day she'll leave you !


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

confused7566 said:


> I just left my house a few days ago and now I have been doing a lot of thinking and need some advise. Here is my story.
> 
> I have been married for 4 years and with her for 5 more. We do not have any children so that makes things a lot simplier. I haev been thinking of taking some time off for a while but since she threw me out it made it easy. It's not that I have fallen out of love but have been growing apart for a while. We are independent people and it's more apparent. This last arguement stemmed from a previous arguement over responsibility. We both are stubborn on certain things and don't work well together on things as I would expect. She is a good person and neither of us has ever cheated or anything like that. I am seeing differences that are making me want to go our seperate ways. She is a lot more selfish and I have a open heart to people and situations and that leads to many arguements. I feel I may have set the pace for some of our money arguements as She is a saver and I am always broke but I pay 90% of the bills and she does not so it's easy to save. She never lived on her own so she never experianced the costs of things.
> 
> ...


I'd love to comment on this! I had deleted my response so this is going to much shorter (too much was typed)

H and I together 15 years, married 12, have 16 month old D. I started going to counseling in September 2011 but I guess the damage was done. No infidelity. I didn't know that being molested for 14 years created so many triggers. So I have a changed A LOT. We have now been separated out of house for a month (his choice). He has my taken the time out to know me since a began counseling. I don't know if I want to R since he's left. I don't trust that he won't leave again. As a woman security overrides love anytime. He has broken that with me because he chose to leave. I would encourage marriage counseling before separation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused7566 (Dec 3, 2012)

We met to talk over dinner tonight. She really thought It was going to be a kiss make up and I'd go home tonight deal but the opposite was true. I may try seeing a professional but I just don't think it's going to be the way to go. It was interesting as I brought up the stay at home mother thing and she was more than ever strong to say that that's not her lifestyle. She doesn't understand my feelings here and although I feel bad for her I need to stay strong and take care of my feelings. It's a long story but still no sorry. She says she wants to work on making things better but much of this started over a rental property we own and I am about to evict a tenent. I am going there early to serve her papers then set a court date, I asked her if she wants to be there and she said she can't take off work, but since I am self employed I can make the time easier. This is why I'm here:scratchhead:


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## indica (Nov 27, 2012)

People don’t change until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. Blessed are those who feel the pain. (Read Mat. 5:3)


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