# Affair resulted in pregnancy.



## illholdthepain (Dec 16, 2015)

Is there already a thread for this type of situation? It has been just over a year now since the affair was discovered. They were having an affair for a year. He left and came back twice. But we decided to work it out. The child is six months old now. How is this going to work? I know child support is going to come knocking on our door any day now. Will that just make restoration harder? Has anyone been here before?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is no forum for this situation. But there have been people posting here who have been through this.

I think that it all depends on you and your husband. 

Can you handle helping to raise this child and helping to pay the child support?

Do you have children with your husband. If so, do you children know of this child and how do they handle it.

I think that most women would have a very hard time with this. 

Has he spent any time with the child? Have you?


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## illholdthepain (Dec 16, 2015)

We have a two and a half year old daughter. She doesn't know anything obviously. He hasn't ever met this new child, nor have I. We just don't really talk about it. Yes, it is for sure his, as much as I would like to think otherwise. 

As for handling the child support, we don't have a choice in that, I suppose. I do feel like our relationship is glass and that the slightest touch will shatter it into a thousand pieces. This child might be the touch that does the breaking. I've done so well to, as bad as it sounds, ignore it up until the letters from the state started coming.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has he done the DNA test yet? 

Are you two getting any kind of counseling?


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## illholdthepain (Dec 16, 2015)

He just got the papers for it. And still, we just don't talk about it. 

Yes we are doing counseling together.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If he has not done the DNA test, there is still chance that it is not his child. You never know... especially with affairs.

Have you seriously considered divorce? Have you spoken to a lawyer to find out how his obligation to another child would impact your and your child if your marriage does not make it? (I'm not suggesting divorce. Just concerned about the position this puts you in.)

There have been one or two women on this forum who have done alright with helping to raise a child from an affair. they seemed able to see the child as innocent victim basically. 

I can imagine that it is hard though.

I know that were the roles reversed, there is almost no chance that a husband will stay with a wife who got pregnant in an affair and even less chance that they husband would have anything to do with raising a child resulting from an affair.

If you feel that you cannot do this, I can certainly understand.

From what you say, your recovery is not going very well. What seems to be the big problem?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This has been a reminder of what he did to you and your family, hasn't it?

No matter what happens, no matter what you decide to do, please know we will be here for you and your children. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*From a legal perspective, if he hasn't yet submitted or refuses to submit to standardized DNA tests that would help establish legal paternity, well then, let's just say that he very soon will comply!

Having said that, if there is any real chance that his OW is going to try to get court-ordered child support out of him, then it's certainly fathomable that a court order will be shortly forthcoming forcing him to take the DNA tests to either establish or deny any link to paternity!

Bottom line: There's no way he can avoid those court-ordered tests. If he refuses, the authorities will come after him and take him away kicking and screaming if he will not submit!

They'll get their sample ~ either now or later! And court-ordered child support can always be made retroactive! Not a real problem for them!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

For me, an affair would be a deal breaker and an affair that resulted in a child an absolute double deal breaker. Your H is a very lucky man that you are even prepared to consider a future with him, because if the child is his that future could become very fraught indeed.

It's good that you're in counselling, OP, and I hope it helps you make the decisions that you need to make.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

My BFF has and is going through this but for 3 years.

Her husband has always cheated and she has always stayed. Then he got one pregnant, actually she got pregnant on purpose thinking he would leave his wife(MY bff). When the OW realized he was not going to be with her she went to the state for child support,the state ordered the DNA test which he had to pay for and now he is paying out the butt for child support , medical bills, and if she ever gets a job he will pay 80%for daycare for a kid the girl never lets him see.

My bff still has some really bad days, when she thinks about it all, but I think that since her H never gets his visitation and will not fight for it she is able to keep a handle on it. Now I think if that kid was in their lives other then paying the bills I mentioned above, she will not have been able to stay in the marriage. I know because she has been my bff for 22 years and she has said this in not so many words.

I wish she had the courage to leave after all the cheating and now had a child with one, but she feels that she will not make it on her own. So all I can do is be as supportive to her as I can. I also want to add that their 3 children does not want anything to do with the kid, and her 2 adult children say they hate their father and they never talk to him.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

This is one of those situations where no one wins. It's harsh, but the reccomendation that I've seen is where the WH/father has nothing to do with the child of the affair, other than paying child support. There is zero contact ever with the affair partner. This basically sacrifices any relationship between the child of the affair and its father, but it can help keep the original family remains intact. This is the "best" outcome in a situation like LostMe's BFF, where there are several children in the original marriage. This "best" outcome still has grave emotional consequences for the affair child and the father, though. 

I think there are people who are able to embrace the affair child as one of their own. Bob Geldalf comes to mind. Like Ele said, they are able to see a blameless child instead of a constant reminder of the affair partner. This seems to me to be the ideal, but I don't know how to help mere humans reach that ideal. I think most of us would have an incredibly difficult time. 

Illhold, are you following any kind of plan for reconciliation?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

illholdthepain said:


> Yes, it is for sure his, as much as I would like to think otherwise


And you know this because women who have affairs with married men always speak the truth?

It sounds like all you've got are verbal assurances its his. He must get tested.

And if he got the papers for child support and you two are still not talking about it, maybe you should change counselors. Rug-sweeping the effects of his infidelity is not a workable solution. You guys have to talk about this.

And I'm really sorry you have to deal with this situation.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

My opinion probably won't be popular, but I think it's really crappy that your husband has never seen his child. And I think it's crappy he hasn't bothered to step up and offer child support. I understand that maybe a DNA test has not been done yet, so he may not be 100% sure the kid is his, but he's essentially had 15 months to get this done. 

Your husband chose to step outside of your marriage. Apparently, you decided that that was forgivable and wanted reconciliation. Only you can decide if you can deal with that. You get a double whammy in that he had a child with someone else. I honestly don't care how much you act like that child doesn't exist, it DOES. I understand seeing or paying for that child will affect how well you are able to reconcile with your husband, but the hard truth is......the child is here, it exists and it has half of your husbands DNA.

I do not agree at all with your husband not having contact with this child. This innocent, blameless, probably cute as a button baby deserves to know it's father and be financially supported. Your husband messed up, but he doesn't get to shirk his responsibilities of creating life.

Now, the hard part. Can YOU be a part of this childs life? Please understand, my brain is a bit muddled. I don't always make the best decisions and I'm a bit a of a doormat. With that being said, if this were me, if my husband did this but came back to me and made changes to dedicate himself to me 100%.....I would accept this child. I love children and I've always wanted more than the 3 that I had. I have no doubt in saying that I could fall in love with that child, simply for the fact that it was part of my husband, regardless of the circumstances of it's arrival. Once I accepted his affair, I would feel that I would have to accept ALL facets of it, even if there was another human being created because of it. 

That baby is faultless, your husband is not. All parties involved should be working to give that baby the best life possible. If you can't be a part of that, then you need to make the choice to walk away.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Rough. First off, do NOT trust her as to the paternity of the child. He needs to get ahead of this now. Submit to DNA testing and go from there. Burying it will do him no good. He will be fully liable for back support. 

The child, if the result of the affair, is an innocent victim as well. If he were any kind of a man, he would not abandon the child to save his existing family. You, and your child, will have to deal with this other child. It is in no way fair to rob this new child of its rights to its paternal parent simply to make getting on with life easier for him, you, or your own child. As I said, if he were any kind of a man at all, THAT would not be an option.

Your own child will have to deal with this, and the knowledge that her father cheated on her mother. She will not be pleased when she is old enough to find out, and understand what he has done. 

Your husband has reduced (by a great deal) the resources and "providing" he is able to do for his daughter and family as a result of this affair. It's an unintended and uncommon result, but one that he brought about by not placing his family before himself. A huge "hit" to how he'll be perceived as a man, a father, protector and provider. It's going to be the salt in the wound of the affair for many years to come for both you and your daughter.

All huge hurdles to overcome.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

@RoseAglow

Could you link the story of Bob Geldalf, please?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illholdthepain (Dec 16, 2015)

Please forgive me I don't quite know how to reply on this forum, I'm new to all of this. 

He doesn't doubt the child is his either. I'm the one forcing the dna test. Well, the state demands it anyways because they were not married. They were seeing each other for over a year. Sleeping together 4 and 5 times a week. After all of this came out, I found out she had a miscarriage, and he went to the doctor with her each time they found out she was pregnant. They were in a "relationship". He made promises to her, apparently she tried to cut it off because she didn't want to ruin my family, but as he has told me, he didn't want to. Until it came down to actually leave me and our daughter, that's when he changed his mind. So really, it's just my small sliver of hope that it might not be his. 

The therapist says it's possible to never have contact with this child, and just to uphold his legal responsibility. Can I live with myself knowing that this child will grow up never to know its father? Knowing that my husband is a father to my child but a dead beat dad to the other? Initially I thought, well you just won't ever see her or that baby, and he agreed. But is that really okay! The more I think about it, it's not okay. And I shouldn't be okay with him thinking it's okay. 

We are going to have to discuss it. But I'm scared that he is only saying what he thinks I want to hear. I'm so broken from all this. And dare I say, I'm concerned for how the OW is feeling. Here she was with all these promises made to her over and over, and now has a baby, no father and no child support. WTF has my life become!?


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## illholdthepain (Dec 16, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *From a legal perspective, if he hasn't yet submitted or refuses to submit to standardized DNA tests that would help establish legal paternity, well then, let's just say that he very soon will comply!
> 
> They'll get their sample ~ either now or later! And court-ordered child support can always be made retroactive! Not a real problem for them!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can you tell me more about this whole process? I'm really just overwhelmed with it all right now.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

illholdthepain said:


> WTF has my life become!?


This will sound harsh, but what you need to do is determine if you really want to stay married to this guy. That is your number one priority.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

illholdthepain said:


> Please forgive me I don't quite know how to reply on this forum, I'm new to all of this.
> 
> He doesn't doubt the child is his either. I'm the one forcing the dna test. Well, the state demands it anyways because they were not married. They were seeing each other for over a year. Sleeping together 4 and 5 times a week. After all of this came out, I found out she had a miscarriage, and he went to the doctor with her each time they found out she was pregnant. They were in a "relationship". He made promises to her, apparently she tried to cut it off because she didn't want to ruin my family, but as he has told me, he didn't want to. Until it came down to actually leave me and our daughter, that's when he changed his mind. So really, it's just my small sliver of hope that it might not be his.
> 
> ...


They were trying to get pregnant then? To have gotten her pregnant, go through a miscarriage with her (his chance to break free without lifelong attachment), but then continue to get her pregnant again? Why do you want to stay with him?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jld said:


> @RoseAglow
> 
> Could you link the story of Bob Geldalf, please?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The correct spelling is "Bob Geldof."

that's the guy who brought together "do they know it's Christmas time"

His wife went crazy and had a very public affair with the lead singer of INXS. When both his ex wife and the father of that child died, Bob Geldolf took custody of that child.

that whole family is way too public. One of his other daughters died of a drug overdose. 

Intersting story, but hardly about the average person -- or even the average wayward marriage partner.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

illholdthepain said:


> Please forgive me I don't quite know how to reply on this forum, I'm new to all of this.
> 
> He doesn't doubt the child is his either. I'm the one forcing the dna test. Well, the state demands it anyways because they were not married. They were seeing each other for over a year. Sleeping together 4 and 5 times a week. After all of this came out, I found out she had a miscarriage, and he went to the doctor with her each time they found out she was pregnant. They were in a "relationship". He made promises to her, apparently she tried to cut it off because she didn't want to ruin my family, but as he has told me, he didn't want to. Until it came down to actually leave me and our daughter, that's when he changed his mind. So really, it's just my small sliver of hope that it might not be his.
> 
> ...


I am very impressed with your morality, OP. You are a fine human being. I think the same about the OW, actually.

I wish I could say the same for your husband.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> The correct spelling is "Bob Geldof."
> 
> that's the guy who brought together "do they know it's Christmas time"
> 
> ...


Sounds like an inspirational figure. No reason to think more people could not follow in his footsteps, if they were exposed to his example.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jld said:


> Sounds like an inspirational figure. No reason to think more people could not follow in his footsteps, if they were exposed to his example.


I'm not so sure.

He was a singer in the 80s group the Boom Town Rats.

He was a partner in a TV station and made a fair amount of money that way.

How many more people are going to become famous off the back of famines that they manage to turn into World Wide News.

Not to mention, if one of his children has diedof an over dose what kind of role model is that.

I've known of many families whose children have NOT diedof a drug overdose........

So what would Bod Geldolf any kind of role model?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm not so sure.
> 
> He was a singer in the 80s group the Boom Town Rats.
> 
> ...


Maybe just in this one area.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jld said:


> Maybe just in this one area.


What area is that?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> What area is that?


The one we're talking about. The reason he was brought up in this thread.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jld said:


> The one we're talking about. The reason he was brought up in this thread.



I don't get it.

One of his children died due to an overdose. I'm sorry that that would happen to any parent. But it does not make them an emxplary parent to hold in high esteem.

As I said, there are many families out there with multiple children that have not died of an overdose.

Are you trying to say that because Bob Geldof took on a child unrelated to him biologically that he now becomes an exemplary parent?


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Back to the original subject.

Hey OP, if you decide to stay married than congrats!

You now have a new step child on the way.
Just forget about all the things that were said and done, all the time and heartache it took to conceive that child.

Now forget about all the things that you are going thru right now with the state involved and DNA testing.

Also, don't think about what you will be going thru in the future and all the emotions that will rise because of the situation.

If you can deal with that, it could work out for you.
Granted, you still needed to work out the year of infidelity and lies.
If you cant, no one could blame you.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Back to the original subject.
> 
> Hey OP, if you decide to stay married than congrats!
> 
> ...


 Step child? You lost me here, her husband never married this home wrecker.



> Now forget about all the things that you are going thru right now with the state involved and DNA testing.
> 
> Also, don't think about what you will be going thru in the future and all the emotions that will rise because of the situation.
> 
> ...


If she doesn't think about these issues, future and all, how is she going to know what she can deal with? She can forgive, but forgetting opens you up to the same issues again. Also, your post implies burying the issues not forgetting them.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Yup, she is going to have to think about it.
Even if she didn't want to, it would be unavoidable.
I was trying sarcasm but guess I need to keep working on that


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

..


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Keepin-my-head-up said:
> 
> 
> > Yup, she is going to have to think about it.
> ...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Also, if the child is her husbands, it would be her step child right?
> The posts on this thread are saying she is married.
> Could be wrong


Yes. I consider a step child to be from a previous marriage or a prior relationship. To me an affair partner's baby is in a different realm.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Are you wanting to stay in this marriage for your kids, or because you love this guy? 

Because there are worse things kids can go through than divorce. 
And, maybe it's just me, but I feel like a guy that puts his family in this position probably isn't that great of a father to begin with.


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## illholdthepain (Dec 16, 2015)

Broken at 20 said:


> Are you wanting to stay in this marriage for your kids, or because you love this guy?
> 
> Because there are worse things kids can go through than divorce.
> And, maybe it's just me, but I feel like a guy that puts his family in this position probably isn't that great of a father to begin with.


I just can't live without him. When he came to me and told me about the affair and that he was leaving, and he loved her, I reacted the exact opposite of what I always said I would. I just immediately said that it was okay and we can get through it. I always said infidelity was unforgivable. I never thought it would happen to us. He was the mucic pastor at the church we attended. Everything was perfect. This wasn't supposed to happen to us.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

1. You can absolutely live without him
2. It did happen to you though. Because he decided to.

That's not to say that you cannot reconcile, but you need to face the truths of the matters before you can even decide to offer reconciliation


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

illholdthepain said:


> I just can't live without him. When he came to me and told me about the affair and that he was leaving, and he loved her, I reacted the exact opposite of what I always said I would. I just immediately said that it was okay and we can get through it. I always said infidelity was unforgivable. I never thought it would happen to us. He was the mucic pastor at the church we attended. Everything was perfect. This wasn't supposed to happen to us.


Sadly it did happen to you. Just like it happened (with out the child) to most of us here.

You might be able to heal this with time. It takes a betrayed spouse 2 to 5 years to recover from an affair. 

I seriously get the impression that the two of you just do not know what to do to heal from this. Perhaps you are not getting good guidance from your counselor... or you just need more help. So here are some good books that I think would help you.

This book is for both of you to read.

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

This book is for your husband. It seems that he is not doing enough to help you heal from his actions. Maybe this will help. 

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

After you read those books, there are two good ones that I think would help you restructure your marriage:

His Need, Her Needs by Dr. Harley

Love Busters by Dr. Harley

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

illholdthepain said:


> The therapist says it's possible to never have contact with this child, and just to uphold his legal responsibility. Can I live with myself knowing that this child will grow up never to know its father? Knowing that my husband is a father to my child but a dead beat dad to the other? Initially I thought, well you just won't ever see her or that baby, and he agreed. But is that really okay! The more I think about it, it's not okay. And I shouldn't be okay with him thinking it's okay.


So from what I understand your options are as follows. 

1) Stay with WH and disown his child with the OW.
2) Stay with WH and help raise his child with the OW.
3) Divorce your WH and become a single parent. 

Personally If I try to put myself in your shoes to imagine what I would do, there really are no great options, but two of them sound far worse than one of them IMO. If I chose option 1) I can't imagine how I would look at myself in the mirror while giving my stamp of approval on my spouse abandoning an innocent child and knowing that somewhere there's a little kid out there who will grow up hating my guts for keeping their parent from them. 

If I chose option 2) I can't imagine not resenting this situation I've been put in(raising an "affair child") on such a level that reconciliation would be impossible for me, plus the AP would always be in our lives to some degree or another and I'd be very suspicious that the affair would reignite at some point, keeping me in the parole officer role in the marriage indefinitely. If I chose option 3) then I'd have to deal with raising my child as a single parent and somehow tolerate my kid being around the AP and their kid, but I think it would at least be less of a daily kick in the teeth to me than the other two.

As a man I can't imagine anything more humiliating than raising the AP's baby for him, maybe it's different for women though, perhaps the social/genetic stigma of that is not as strong in women as it is in men, I've no idea. Either way your WH has really placed you in an awful spot and if you decide to reconcile with him I think you're gonna need to keep a close eye on him for the foreseeable future.


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