# Starting the process again



## Julilahflygirl (Jul 10, 2020)

Hi there! I am new to this site. I left my husband 2 days ago. We have been married for 23 years, have two grown kids and the most amazing puppy. This is the second time I've left him- the first time, he talked me into separating- we were separated for 2 yrs and got back together at the end of 2018. I love him, I don't know what I am going to do without him, but I have found that being mean to each other is not a way to be in a marriage.

We got married after I found out I was pregnant. Probably not the best idea because we had so many problems from the beginning, but we loved each other. My husband pretty much raised himself and his brother. His dad didn't have enough energy to try and stay in their lives and his mom was prone to abandoning both of them at a very young age. Needless to say, he didn't know the first thing about relationships. He did however, know how to innately show physical love and affection for both my kids and myself, an area in which I lacked. 

My mom and dad are still married. My mom is difficult, judgemental and very sparing with affection. She says she loves me all the time but I don't remember being touched by her a lot when my sister and I were little. My dad showed us physical love but was very emotionally abusive to me, not necessarily to my sister. I can now say, that though I had parents who loved me, I did not have the best role models. I have realized that I have been extremely controlling and judgemental but have been working on trying to curb that side of me.

I am definitely co-dependent while my husband leans towards emotionally abusive. I say leans towards because while we were separated, he went to counseling and spoke to mentors to get his temper and gaslighting under control. He is so much better than he was and the first 9 months that we were back together were really good. Unfortunately, he did not follow through with many promises that he made for us getting back together and he stopped going to counseling once he decided he had me back. 

I feel like I have made way more compromises than he to be back together. I had moved to a different state for my job. I had a place there before we separated but I moved there full time. He wanted me to move permanently back home, leave my apartment and commute to a temporary situation whenever I had to work- I did that for the family though it was very taxiing on me. Just before we had separated, he had bought a car that immediately lost it's value. I had purchased my own car that kept it's value. He wanted to get rid of his car because our payments were so high between the 2 cars, so he decided that the best thing to do was to trade in both cars for one car- He promised me my same car but upgraded. I got less of a car with a much higher monthly payment because he was so upside down on his car. He was supposed to do things with his business - he did not. 

I have realized that I show my frustrations with him in public. I pick on him and try to get others on my side for the faults I see him as having. I had gotten better with it, but I have felt myself slipping back into old ways and for some reason, I haven't been able to control it. So many things about him bother me and I know it is not fare.

He did learn to hold his temper, to not gaslight and to try to listen. He is a much better father and husband. He tries to tell me how much he loves me often. Unfortunately, small ways he has treated me in the past have crept up again. 

I know that I have not given him my 100%. I transferred to another city with my job- this time, I drive 3 1/2 hrs to get there instead of the 3 hour flight from where I was before. I have rented a room for while I'm down there, so I am spending extra money. I have the ability to transfer to a location 30 minutes from our house, but for many reasons I am not willing to do that- I won't have the same opportunities there and I won't have my independence.

My brother-in-law is staying at our house, he lost his job in the state where he lives, so he decided to stay with us for awhile. The other night, I kept digging into my husband in front of my brother-in-law. The next day, I apologized to my husband, but I think the damage was done, though he accepted my apology. I did something really stupid and almost broke the vacuum cleaner. I freaked out and thought he was going to start screaming at me like he would've in the past. Instead, he was sweet and patient. He told me he loved me and he hugged me.

I have dealt with rape and sexual assault. I have recently been dealing with that, trying to help others and make people realize that women still have a long way to go for equal rights. He has joked and called me an activist. He says that sometimes I get to be too much.
A package from Amazon came- it was an alarm door stop for when I stay at hotels. He questioned it because I tend to purchase a lot from Amazon. I explained that my company has sent out several e-mails about break-ins at hotels and that a woman with my company was just recently raped. He looked at me and said "Don't worry, you're not attractive enough for that!" When I tried to tell him how wrong he was for saying that, he was like, "oh, come on- you know I was joking!" He very much got on the defensive. I am a rape survivor (rape is about control not looks) and I have an issue with my self confidence. It doesn't matter that he has told me that I am pretty multiple times, anything positive he has ever said to me was wiped away in that moment. I tried to keep my composure but he continued to be cruel. I packed my stuff and I left. He didn't try to stop me, he moved his car out of the way so I could get out of the driveway. That cruel person used to come out all of the time. I have seen him only a couple of times since we separated. I told him later that if he would've punched me full force in the face, it would've hurt less than that one statement. 

I apologized to him for the way that I have acted with him. I told him that I couldn't get over things in our past. I told him that I still love him, but I just can't anymore. He doesn't understand. He says he knows he says inappropriate things and even though I ask him to not joke in his mean way, he doesn't know why he can't stop. He says he knows he has to work on that but he doesn't want me to leave. 

We are not happy. We are mean to each other even though we love each other.We both deserve to be happy, we both deserve to find joy in our lives. I am 47 years old, I can't keep waiting for it. It kills me to leave him because I know how much I am hurting him but that doesn't make it right for me to stay.

I am going to make him pay off my car and the taxes, but everything else, he can have. I will not fight for the house or anything inside of it. I will leave with my clothes and my kitchen supplies that I had at my other place and maybe a few pictures, but that is all. He even gets to keep our baby, the puppy, because with my job, I can't take care of a dog. My husband loves that dog so much anyway, I don't know if I could take him away, anyway. 

I am so very tired


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## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

I am so sorry for your situation. I understand completely. I am contemplating divorcing the man I have been with for over 20 years when by all appearances we have the perfect life. There has just been so much hurt on both sides the past couple years that I just cannot get past it and recently started independent therapy. I don't think he ever means to be hurtful or manipulative, but it ends up being that way. Tells me he loves me and is affectionate all the time, but I feel nothing. There's plenty of blame for me too. I am very co dependent and enable his compulsive tendencies. I don't think I will ever be able to stop either. I just feel done and so very, very tired. Last week, at my first therapy appointment, she asked me to list 10 things I like about myself and where I see myself in 6 months, 1 year, and 3 years. I am finding that last part very difficult because try as I might, I don't see him as part of it. Maybe the same evercise will help give you some perspective? Sometimes you find you are just done. I think it would be a tremendous relief to come home and find he has left me. Won't happen though. Too afraid to be alone. I get the feeling you will also have to be the one to make the final decision.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Julilahflygirl said:


> Hi there! I am new to this site. I left my husband 2 days ago. We have been married for 23 years, have two grown kids and the most amazing puppy. This is the second time I've left him- the first time, he talked me into separating- we were separated for 2 yrs and got back together at the end of 2018. I love him, I don't know what I am going to do without him, but I have found that being mean to each other is not a way to be in a marriage.
> 
> We got married after I found out I was pregnant. Probably not the best idea because we had so many problems from the beginning, but we loved each other. My husband pretty much raised himself and his brother. His dad didn't have enough energy to try and stay in their lives and his mom was prone to abandoning both of them at a very young age. Needless to say, he didn't know the first thing about relationships. He did however, know how to innately show physical love and affection for both my kids and myself, an area in which I lacked.
> 
> ...


What made you get back together the first time? 2 years is a long time to be separated. Do you want him to chase you, or is there anything he can do to put you back in that happy mode?


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## Julilahflygirl (Jul 10, 2020)

My biggest problem, actually, is that he is my family. When I think of my future, I want him in it, just not in the way he wants me to be in his future. He has told me that if we get a divorce, he will no longer be in my life. I told him that one of the reasons I went back to him was because I didn't want him taking himself away from me. I know that is selfish of me, so this time, I have to let him completely go and hope that one day he will let me back in as his friend. He is close with my family- I can't see him being able to give them up. I don't want him losing the connection he has with them. Actually, when I left the first time, my family supported him and not me. 
I would like for him to agree that we are not happy instead of fighting me to save our unhappiness. I think part of me leaving will help to force him to find what he needs in life. I really want us both to be happy but again, I know it can't be together and I'm learning that I can't control his life, so I have to let him be.


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## Julilahflygirl (Jul 10, 2020)

FamilyMan216 said:


> What made you get back together the first time? 2 years is a long time to be separated. Do you want him to chase you, or is there anything he can do to put you back in that happy mode?


Nope- I don't want him to chase me. We both needed that time to work on ourselves and I thought that we had come to a point where it could work. Therapy, healing and self reflection can take a long time, I was hoping that time would make us stronger together. He is not the one who has to put me in a "happy mode"- I have to learn how to do that for myself. We make each other frustrated and sometimes miserable, however, which is counter productive. I just don't see us being able to get to where we need to be together.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

So, you don't think these are things the both of you can work through? There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. I have witnessed people change in relationships first-hand. I believe all marriages need those challenges to really appreciate each other, and to strengthen the bond. Otherwise, people become too comfortable in self


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## Julilahflygirl (Jul 10, 2020)

FamilyMan216 said:


> So, you don't think these are things the both of you can work through? There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. I have witnessed people change in relationships first-hand. I believe all marriages need those challenges to really appreciate each other, and to strengthen the bond. Otherwise, people become too comfortable in self


One of the worst things you can do is force someone to change for you. I have asked him to go back to therapy. I have asked him to straighten out his company. I have asked him to stop making his mean jokes. I have asked him to see my point of view while I see his. The only time any of that has ever changed is when I left him the first time. He's too afraid to be alone, so when he realizes he is actually losing me, he finally decides to make the changes. Am I going to have to do that for the rest of my life, constantly leave him until maybe one day, we can be happy together? It's exhausting. I have to work on me. I have to identify why I lash out on him and I have to change myself so that I don't keep putting my walls up against other people.
Believe me, it would be so much easier staying with him, but I can't.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Julilahflygirl said:


> One of the worst things you can do is force someone to change for you. I have asked him to go back to therapy. I have asked him to straighten out his company. I have asked him to stop making his mean jokes. I have asked him to see my point of view while I see his. The only time any of that has ever changed is when I left him the first time. He's too afraid to be alone, so when he realizes he is actually losing me, he finally decides to make the changes. Am I going to have to do that for the rest of my life, constantly leave him until maybe one day, we can be happy together? It's exhausting. I have to work on me. I have to identify why I lash out on him and I have to change myself so that I don't keep putting my walls up against other people.
> Believe me, it would be so much easier staying with him, but I can't.


I'm not saying force change. I was just asking in general, do you think it's something you both can work through together? As you said, you both have issues. I thought you mentioned it has a lot to do with not being able to get over the past. You move forward living in the past


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I think there are so many things you have to get taken care of in your own life that, if things work out (for you, overcoming your trauma), it may be a very different person coming out the other end. You've been dealing, ineffectively, with your trauma for a very long time. 

What would happen if you had another separation, basically space, to work on your trauma without getting divorced? I don't think you're able to get your head together while being around your husband; too many co-dependencies have likely evolved over the years. But I'm also not certain that you couldn't make things work if you got yourself taken care of. And maybe he, during that same separation, could work on himself as well. Individual therapy, not marriage counseling. This is one instance where you're better off with counselors looking out for each of you rather than the two of you together.

I think.


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## Julilahflygirl (Jul 10, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> I think there are so many things you have to get taken care of in your own life that, if things work out (for you, overcoming your trauma), it may be a very different person coming out the other end. You've been dealing, ineffectively, with your trauma for a very long time.
> 
> What would happen if you had another separation, basically space, to work on your trauma without getting divorced? I don't think you're able to get your head together while being around your husband; too many co-dependencies have likely evolved over the years. But I'm also not certain that you couldn't make things work if you got yourself taken care of. And maybe he, during that same separation, could work on himself as well. Individual therapy, not marriage counseling. This is one instance where you're better off with counselors looking out for each of you rather than the two of you together.
> 
> I think.


Thank you! I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
My husband and I spoke this evening. He's planning on going back to therapy to understand why he says such cruel things. I told him he really needs to figure out why he would ever say something so hurtful as he has no answer.
I am also going to look for a new therapist on Monday - someone I can teleconference with regularly as my job interferes with normal sessions. 
My husband wants to stay together while going through our individual counseling, but allow me to stay in the city where I work as much as possible. I think you're right, though- I need the separation. I have dealt with a lot of my issues- I understand where my faults are, but there are still things that I have to work on alone. 
I also don't want to influence his progress. I am afraid that he is trying to make a change just so I won't divorce him. If that is true, the change will never stick. He needs to do this for himself just as I do. 
I will not say that we will come back together in the end. We each have to go on our own paths to figure out where we want to be. If it ends up being together, wonderful. If not, that's ok, too.
At the end of the day, I need to get rid of my anger and to find peace in my life.


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