# Thinking about leaving



## Scared (Feb 11, 2009)

I have been married 7 years (our anniversary is actually in a couple of weeks) and I would really like things to work out, but I am pretty sure it won't. We have a 5 month old son and I just wanted him to have a family, but instead I feel like a single mom with a husband who wishes he was a bachelor. I have tried talking to him about things, but he doesn't seem to hear me. I convinced him to go to marriage counseling with me (after he cheated on me - but he doesn't consider watching each other masturbate cheating - he says it could have been worse) and after 3 sessions he walked out mid session pissed off because he didn't like what the therapist had to say. He also refused to go back to anyone. 

I just want to be close with my husband again. How can I make him understand how seriously wrong things are? I can't seem to communicate to him. He has a bad temper and in my opinion he is going after every girl he meets and purposefully stranding me at home with a baby and no car so I can't check on him.

I am considering calling his step-dad who raised him - it is the only person I think he has ever been close to. I don't know if this is a good idea or not. Maybe I should talk to one of his friends or something, I just don't know. He doesn't seem to hear me.

I am just starting to feel like I should stop trying and fly across the country to be with my family at least I would have some help with my new little man and he could have a family that loves him.

I am just sitting in front of the computer feeling lost...

Please help, any advise.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

How old is he? and what do you mean by: "Going after every girl he meets?" what else has happened? what does he do for work? give us a picture of your daily lives.


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## Scared (Feb 11, 2009)

He is 31 and I am 26. We have been together since I was 18. He is trying to teach guitar at the moment and he has this student who is 19 and he seems excited when he talks about her and in the emails he writes to her. I know this is petty, but with everything else it bothers me. I just wish he would be like that with me. I have been begging him for guitar lessons for about a year, just because he is really good and I want to learn. He didn't actually start giving people lessons until a couple of months ago but he can't seem to make time for me even though he only has 2 regular students...this girl, and a guy he ends up drinking with. Oh, and he ripped up all of our pictures and left them ripped up while she came over.

But as for previous stuff, while I was pregnant, he would get drunk and I would obviously be sober and I saw him lick, kiss, grab boobs, ass, etc. He told other girls that he wanted to have sex with them and just held on to them like he was married to them and not me. HE DID THESE THINGS IN FRONT OF ME! I was pregnant and worried that I was over reacting because of hormones. But now that I am not pregnant I know that I was under reacting.

He also goes to Starbucks ALL DAY and says he doesn't want me to go because it is guy time after which a couple of weeks ago he disappeared to a bar until 3:30 in the morning.

And he is just distant. He doesn't talk to me but he talks to everyone else. I can't tell you how bad that feels.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

How ironic, i'm a teacher and pro guitar player myself. Well How are you making it on a couple students? and he won't keep them long getting personally involved. I keep distance from students with rare exception. You've got someone there who hasn't woken up to the realities of life. He needs to get a whole lot more students or get a real job. 

If you think your child will get what it needs by moving then move ASAP. Or wait till your husband is at least 37-38 before he begins to wake up to reality if he even does. Musicians are an odd bunch, they take longer to grow up. (Me included.) He can come to you after you move if he is worth anything as a father and wants to change. Oh and most musicians I know often end up with a DWI sooner than later.


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## Scared (Feb 11, 2009)

I never stopped working, I do graphic design and sell real estate, so unfortunatly I am doing enough for both of us. But it is not what I want to do, I am an artist and a writer, and I feel like I am loosing myself. I don't mind working, but between work, my baby, and stressing out over stupid **** with my husband, the day is gone. 

I live in California now, and I don't really want to leave. My parents live in Florida, and I kind of hate it. But I am considering it anyway.

I am also looking into graduate schools. I just don't know how I can do it with my baby. He is 100% attached to me because he is with me all day and night. And honestly I don't know if I could leave him with someone all day. I just feel like I need to get back to my life. 

I have no friends and am pretty seperated from my family and I am now realising that my husband is a big role in that. He pushes everyone I meet away from me.

I have one friend strong willed enough to keep wanting to see me, but she lives in orange county so i don't see her much. And my husband says he doesn't want her at our house, etc when I say something about seeing her.

It just ends with me being lonely and stuck. I just hate what my life has become.


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## Scared (Feb 11, 2009)

How old are you (if you don't mind me asking)? Are you in a relationship that is working? If so how old were you when you felt like you could be involved enough to settle down with someone?

I know a lot of questions, but I just feel like I have no concept of what to expect from men.

I just want to know if what I want is even out there...


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

It isn't what your life has become, it's about how he isn't owning up his share of responsibility. Our situation, wife is working 5 days a week, going to college online and one night on location and also due with our second child in December. I have to take care of our disabled son, take him to therapy, clean, cut grass, play on weekends for money and teach during weeknights. We make it work because we have one common goal: a better future. Your husband is out living in fantasy land and not contributing to the good of the house hold (matter of fact he is damaging it) causing all this extra responsibility to fall on your shoulders. You need to toughen up and lay down the law with him or plan on splitting up. Have a come to Jesus fight with him and air it all out so you know whether it will work out or not before your child together grows too attached to him. You need to either stand up tall to him or wallow in the misery that he is causing. Tell him you're a father now, behave like one and grow up or i'm out of here.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Of course what you want is out there but you have to have the courage to deem yourself worthy of it and then go get it. 

I'm a couple weeks shy of turning 37, even though i've been married over ten years, I don't think I really grew up and started looking life in the face until I was about 35.


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## Scared (Feb 11, 2009)

I will try to let him know that i have reached my limit and that he needs to contribute more or things aren't going to work out. Should I tell him that I am thinking about a divorce or do you think is it better to just give him them papers when I can't take it anymore? 

Also do you think I should talk to his step-dad or maybe his aunt? I am thinking he might hear what they have to say, but I really don't know if that is the right thing to do.

Oh, and he has a 14 year old daughter. He has become a horrible parent to her the past year or so as well. To the point where she asked her grandfather (my husbands step-dad) if she could stay there for at least a year. He is distant and just mean to her in the same ways he is to me. And she used to be his world. I just don't understand. She has been gone visiting her grandpa for about 2 weeks and he hasn't even called her. I had to make him talk to her the one time they talked.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

You can't tell him something like that without really meaning it and backing it up with action if need be. You don't sound ready to do that yet. Whether to have the talk or just serve papers? well if you had the talk then everything is clear right? if then chooses to continue he doesn't love you and your son like he should and then you should leave him. Why expose your son to a toxic father? 

I can't give an opinion on these specifics whether to talk to his relatives, you know the situation better. Chances are he obviously knows he can't continue be this way. When will he stop? when your child is 14 like his daughter is? will he have changed by then? that puts him at 45 are you willing to wait that long if it even happens? 

As long as you allow him to do this he will continue to do so. He needs a negative consequence to his negative behaviors and a positive consequences to his positive behaviors. When he gets positive consequences to his negative behavior (as in the past) he will continue to do so. It's behavioral law studied and written about by psychologists for the past 50 years.


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## Scared (Feb 11, 2009)

I think you are right with the positive response to negative behaviors. I have to stop that. I think I do it because I am scared he will leave, but I guess that wouldn't be so bad. But thanks for talking...It helps.

I am going to bed, but I will post updates.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I found myself in my first real thoughts of divorce when my second son was 5 months. I was doing everything for our two sons, and felt my husband was a worthless father. Now it is 4 years later, few things have changed. I did marry an immature man who had trouble living up to responsibilities. (Oh, and he did live as a musician for many years.) But, now I realize he married me, who is a depressed, critical, and unforgiving perfectionist woman. My overall impression is your husband hasn't accepted fatherhood and chooses to escape it to cope with his inadequacies. Being pregnant or hormonal is not a legimate excuse for a spouse to cheat. A marriage requires commitment from both partners. If he or you wants out, then maybe it is for the best.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

So, let me get this straight:

He treats you like crap. He flirts with other girls (flirting being an understatement here). He doesn't work other than guitar lessons for two students. He pushes away all of your friends. He tries to trap you at home. He tries to not let you have a life of your own. He doesn't help with the baby. He treats his older daughter like crap. He cheated on you (yes, it is cheating). And basically overall is just a [email protected] a$$hole???

So, you say you don't have much trouble paying the bills on your own, right? 

Honestly, why would you even worry about leaving? Next time he goes "out" to the coffee shop for guy time and stays out till 3:30, change the freaking locks and leave his crap in boxes in the front yard with the divorce papers taped to the box. 

You are the mother, provider, and the only one in the relationship worth a crap. You don't deserve to be treated like this, and this a-hole doesn't deserve you. Kick him out! He's obviously a control freak. With guys like this, even if you do want to try to make it work, you will get NO action out of him until you really SHOW him what you are capable of doing. Words are meaningless at this point with someone like this. You need action! You need to show him you mean business first, THEN you can talk about it, because he will actually be listening then.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

GPR is laying out an option on the extreme end which I think is warranted. Your "husband" needs a major wake up call, do you have the nerve to do it? is the real question here. Do you deem yourself worthy of a better life? turn his world upside down on him and bring in the police if he tries anything.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

TOTALLY :iagree: with GPR.

He does nothing FOR you or your daughter, or his OWN daughter for crying out loud. Imagine your daughter when she realizes her Dad is a louse.

Get an attorney, change the locks. Hug. Go do your life, like you deserve.


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## Scared (Feb 11, 2009)

It sounds simple when it is written down, but I really really loved him. It just seemed like we were perfect for each other in every way and it is hard to let that go. I just keep thinking that we will be like that again. He also used to be a good father, but now he just blames his daughter for all of their problems.

I tried to talk to him and tell him how I feel and how seriously it is bothering me. His response was that I am seriously bothering him by being a "drama queen" and he said I was pushing him away by nagging him like his mom. I just don't think I will ever get through to him. I don't think I know how. 

Martino - I don't know if I "deem myself worthy," I think my self esteem is kind of shot right now. I think that I will leave eventually, I just feel like starting over. I guess I just want to know for sure that what we had is over and I will not get it back.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

All of our situations are simple when written down. There is a problem with a multitude of potential reactions causing differing outcomes. 

Your husband is calling you a drama queen because he wants to continue his easy lifestyle of using and abusing you. He wants your continued reinforcement of his selfish behaviors. 

I think you could get it back but only by dumping his world upside down and putting your foot down. To continue to allow this you are reinforcing it and guaranteeing continuation of the same problems. It really is that simple.


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