# trying my best.



## young&sad (Nov 4, 2020)

hi, so i'm new here and have a lot to unload, so if none of it makes sense, please ask for clarity.

my husband and i have been married for four years now, together for at least ten. during that entire time, he's had some serious issues with drinking and depression. in the early stages of our relationship, i didn't know how bad the drinking was. his family isn't a good support system. so that added to his depression. i'd like to note that my husband is an angry drunk. very angry. because his family wasn't there for him, i felt like i needed to be there for him. to take care of him and make sure he didn't kill himself, etc. i was in my early twenties when we started dating, so i was unknowingly taking on a lot.

by the time i realized how he was, we were living together, but i suppose i could have left. i just felt so guilty of leaving him on his own with all those demons, so i stayed to just basically make sure he stayed alive. when we decided to marry, he told me that he would be quitting drinking, go to support groups, and get better. long story short, he didn't. during our marriage, he had to get a full hip replacement on his right side, and got shoulder surgery this past summer. drinking the whole time to cope with the pain and yelling at me the entire way.

after all these years of getting verbally abused and not speaking to a soul about it, i finally broke down and told two close friends, both male, one who is divorced and one is my ex-boyfriend from high school that i've stayed in touch with. (we broke up because of distance so there was never any bad blood). and then i finally told my mother, but this was forced as my husband had an alcohol induced tantrum at a family gathering, much to my embarrassment because that meant i had to actually admit something was wrong.

i've always tried to be a supportive and loving wife but i finally had to kick him out of the house. i did this in early september, late august. during that time of separation, my divorced friend told me he would like to date me. my mom told me to hang out with him and have fun for once. not like, romantic fun, but just fun in general. so i did, and i kind of regret it because it made me like him in a certain way. i saw a possibility there, if that makes sense. i've allowed myself to see my ex as well and things there kind of sparked or at least went into that kind of conversation.

so once i reconciled myself with the possibility of being divorced and single, living a new life, my husband comes back saying he's finally given up drinking with the drug tests to prove it and wanting to work on the marriage. i feel like i owe it to the marriage to work on it, especially since he's been sober and loving and giving me all the attention and care that i've been asking for for years, but now i feel like i'm also mourning the chances and different paths i could have had if we divorced.

i don't know if i'm doing the right thing, as i've given my husband a million plus chances and he hasn't changed until now. idk if he's just being like this because i finally put my foot down and he's afraid of losing me and being alone? i find it hard to believe that he's been able to kick his decade and more addiction in just a month of separation, but the drug tests don't lie. i'm trying to be happy with what he's been showing me, he's since moved back in, but i find myself walking around the house being sad and thinking about my other options. my ex and i have always been friends, but i don't know if i should distance myself for a bit while my marriage is being worked on.

sorry this was so long but i just don't know what i'm doing anymore. i'd also like to clarify that i'm not setting up a plan b during all of this. i've definitely put up barriers with my two friends to let them know that the marriage comes first and they've respected that, but they haven't lied to me about their wants either, so. idk. help.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

If you're going to work on your marriage, you definitely need to distance yourself from the ex. 

However, it sounds like much of your marriage has been unhappy and maybe even abusive (verbally, based on the yelling you mention). 

You really don't have an obligation to stay. And if you do stay, you need to recognize whether you would out of love or out of duty. It sounds like you feel like you need to take care of him and that you need to heal him. That is definitely not the case. Marriage is a partnership, not a parent/child relationship. 

Even if he's stopped drinking for a month, alcoholism is very much a lifetime disease. He will be fighting to stay sober the rest of his life, and possibly (probably) relapse along the way. Is that what you want? He may be great now, but a month or 6 from now, he could be back to the drinking, yelling and your misery. 

There's nothing wrong with giving yourself a better life. It is not your responsibility to heal him. Heal yourself.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Blah, blah, blah is finally what I heard from my ex alcoholic husband of over 30 years. They promise and promise and you will become detached and stay with him because of the kids, the business, etc etc. You are young and unless you want a lonely life you need to run.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s an alcoholic, and you’re moving on with other men. Just divorce. At this point, the marriage is doomed.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You made the mistake of hooking up with an alcoholic and making him your project. They say that men like damsels in distress and women like fixer uppers because we imagine we see in them some kind of "potential" but there's honestly no such thing. Either way, it seems we're all possessed of some kind of savior complex. 

You fell for his sob story. That's how he got you, but his family's lack of support was not the reason for his drinking. If anything, they were probably sick of him and his drinking. But you were young and impressionable, and he took advantage. That guilt has kept you there feeling sorry for him, and now that same guilt has your mind all twisted in knots.

I'm not familiar with drug tests and especially not familiar with something called a drug test that detects the presence of alcohol. I'm just saying you better find out for certain if that's what they are.

Stop communicating with other men. That's also cause for your current state of confusion. As innocent as it all may be, you wouldn't feel in such a predicament were it not for those men in your life declaring their interest. Those declarations have an affect on your psyche and emotions, despite you trying to convince yourself that they don't. That's the danger of keeping company and communication with friends of the opposite sex as a married woman. Emotional affairs and alienation of affection for your husband are what happen way too often. That's where you are.

Your mother is right that you should have some fun. You've devoted too much of your youth on a guy who is only changed temporarily more than likely. The struggle to refrain from drinking will become too much and he will relapse more than likely. You need help with this and need to be educated, so you should start attending *al anon* meetings. Al anon is a "support program for people whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking."

You don't have to feel guilty for no longer feeling a sense of obligation to save your husband. You don't have to remain in that situation. It's okay not to believe he can stay sober. I'd say you've been through enough.

It's okay for enough to be enough.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

No one is obligated to stay with a drunk and being a drunk is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship with someone. 

Drunks make for terrible partners and spouses and are toxic. If someone is a drunk and treats their partner badly and causes problems do to their drinking, they only have themselves to blame and need to be prepared for being dumped. 

Since you’ve already heard countless promises and have given many chances, you are under no obligation to stay for this particular promise and give this particular chance. 

If he remains completely sober and turns himself around and is living a clean and sober and productive life for several years straight with no relapse and you both happen to be single and available and he asks you out, you can consider that like any other date offer. 

But unless and until then, you have no obligations here. He waived all rights to a relationship by being a drunk.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The absolute worst thing you can do, is factor these other men into your decision. They are not your friends, they want to date you. They are an issue, whether you choose to see that or not. Your decision on whether or not to end your marriage, should be SOLELY based on what is best for you, and you alone.

I'm not one who jumps to advise someone to end their marriage. It does seem though, that you have given enough chances, and heard enough promises and have finally reached your limit. There is no shame in walking away if that is what you choose.


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## young&sad (Nov 4, 2020)

For those that have commented so far; thank you. You're all very right, I need to take a step back from my two male friends and make a decision based on what's best for me and not from what they're telling me. Deep down I kind of knew that they were most likely telling me what would eventually benefit them, so keeping them at a distance while I figure this out is for the best.

I'm not sure what drug tests he's been taking, but they detect alcohol in the system, somehow. I'll have to take a look at them to see what they check for specifically.

I'm still not sure if I'm sticking around because of my guilt of him having no where to go. I do love him, of course, when he's sober he's a good guy. And I figure most women would want a man that says they love them so deeply. But the constant fear and anxiety that something will trigger him one day and he'll be back to drinking is seriously affecting my mental health. He says it's not going to happen and that the people that doubt and don't believe him will get shown up in the end. But I don't know what to believe anymore.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

young&sad said:


> For those that have commented so far; thank you. You're all very right, I need to take a step back from my two male friends and make a decision based on what's best for me and not from what they're telling me. Deep down I kind of knew that they were most likely telling me what would eventually benefit them, so keeping them at a distance while I figure this out is for the best.
> 
> I'm not sure what drug tests he's been taking, but they detect alcohol in the system, somehow. I'll have to take a look at them to see what they check for specifically.
> 
> I'm still not sure if I'm sticking around because of my guilt of him having no where to go. I do love him, of course, when he's sober he's a good guy. And I figure most women would want a man that says they love them so deeply. But the constant fear and anxiety that something will trigger him one day and he'll be back to drinking is seriously affecting my mental health. He says it's not going to happen and that the people that doubt and don't believe him will get shown up in the end. But I don't know what to believe anymore.


So have both men said they wanted to date you? As others have said cut the contact completely for now. If you eventually divorce then maybe. Could you give your husband time to see if his intentions last? Make it clear to him that if the drinking starts again you are leaving but at least given him a few months and see what happens. 
I do struggle to understnd why you married him after you had known him for 6 years, and even married him knowing what a mess he was in. .


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## young&sad (Nov 4, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> So have both men said they wanted to date you? As others have said cut the contact completely for now. If you eventually divorce then maybe. Could you give your husband time to see if his intentions last? Make it clear to him that if the drinking starts again you are leaving but at least given him a few months and see what happens.
> I do struggle to understnd why you married him after you had known him for 6 years, and even married him knowing what a mess he was in. .


Yes, they did. I haven't spoken with either of them all week (since Monday) so I'm going to keep it that way. I'm willing to give him time to prove whether he's actually better or not, though all this morning we've been arguing about the relationship. It's getting to be really stressful. 

Despite knowing what a mess he was, I married him because I loved him. The sober, good sides of him. And I wanted to fix him, as someone else pointed out. Didn't think I'd actually be that kind of person but here I am. I still love him but now I need to figure out if I'm going to be better off alone. He constantly says I'd hate being alone and no one will want me if I'm divorced (we're Christian) so that's been scaring me, honestly.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He doesn’t want a divorce so discount what he’s telling you about no one wanting you because you’ve gotten a divorce or that you’d hate being alone. As for promising he’s now changed, that’s what every alcoholic says. And some might even believe that — right up to the moment they take the next drink. If you stay, keep in mind it’s much more likely he’ll fail than succeed. That’s just the nature of addiction.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

It sounds like there is a good reason for you marrying him. Alcoholism is a sickness. He needs help - he will not be able to do it by himself. If you love the sober part of him then maybe its worth giving it a go (in sickness and in health, blah blah). I agree that you should not be dating other men while you are married. And although you just call it friendships, you know that it is more than that (on both sides).


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

young&sad said:


> Yes, they did. I haven't spoken with either of them all week (since Monday) so I'm going to keep it that way. I'm willing to give him time to prove whether he's actually better or not, though all this morning we've been arguing about the relationship. It's getting to be really stressful.
> 
> Despite knowing what a mess he was, I married him because I loved him. The sober, good sides of him. And I wanted to fix him, as someone else pointed out. Didn't think I'd actually be that kind of person but here I am. I still love him but now I need to figure out if I'm going to be better off alone. *He constantly says I'd hate being alone and no one will want me if I'm divorced (we're Christian) so that's been scaring me, honestly.*


Just as you recognize that your two male friends are each telling you what would benefit _them_ most, be aware that _your husband is doing the same thing_. He's telling you no one else would want you because it benefits him for you to stick around. And, clearly, there are at least two other men who would want you, so you have objective evidence that what your husband is telling you here is not the truth. 

Also, please be aware that all the toxic behaviors alcoholics engage in are not directly tied to their active drinking. In other words, just because an alcoholic hasn't had a drink in weeks, months, or even years, does not mean that they will automatically be a healthy partner. They call it being a 'dry drunk' - having the same selfish, toxic behaviors that were related to drinking, but not actively drinking at that time. 

So, your husband may remain a manipulative jerk even if he's not drinking. And, I suspect, that's exactly what he's doing right now. He's not invested in what's best for you, but what's best _for him_. Hence, telling you that "no one else will want you". That's manipulative, unfair, and it's not true. So, he's not drinking at this exact point in time, but he is still behaving like a selfish ass. I would suggest that this indicates that he's stopped drinking right now to "prove you wrong" and will go right back to drinking as soon as he thinks things are back to normal. He's a far ways from true, healthy, sobriety, I'm afraid.


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## young&sad (Nov 4, 2020)

It's been a little over two weeks so, update time I guess.

I thought things were getting a little better, but I've been struggling between wanting to work on the marriage and just getting the divorce. I didn't really want to admit it before, but since it's been constantly on my mind there's no use in ignoring it. I can't stop thinking about the 'what ifs'. What if I left, what if I started over, what if he gets better but I left anyway, what if things never get better but I stayed? My head and heart are just not in sync. 

I'd like to think I'm a logical person. I know that working on this marriage before calling it quits would be the best option. But at this point, my husband knows I've been talking to my ex. I told him, there was no way I couldn't. And while nothing has happened between us, he's afraid something will. (He's been cheated on before so I get it, but before we married he cheated on me and I stayed with him, so I think he's being hypocritical but wth do I know?)

Even though I know I shouldn't want to talk or hang out with my ex, we've been friends off and on for years. This is actually the first time he's ever brought up talk of feelings and what have you. Last night my husband and I had a big argument about it and I realized that while I want things to work, I don't know if cutting off communication with my ex is something I want to do. We don't talk everyday, but I check in with him every few weeks or so to see how he's doing. (He has some health issues) but I would be doing the same to any of my friends. 

So idk, I guess this update isn't really an update. I'm just as confused as ever. 🤷‍♀️


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

young&sad said:


> It's been a little over two weeks so, update time I guess.
> 
> I thought things were getting a little better, but I've been struggling between wanting to work on the marriage and just getting the divorce. I didn't really want to admit it before, but since it's been constantly on my mind there's no use in ignoring it. I can't stop thinking about the 'what ifs'. What if I left, what if I started over, what if he gets better but I left anyway, what if things never get better but I stayed? My head and heart are just not in sync.
> 
> ...


What's going on with your husband and his drinking? Is he just cold turkey white knuckling it or is he in a program? From what I have seen maintaining sobriety works much better when a person works a program. If they're not there is a very strong chance of a relapse. SO what is he doing to hold up his end?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

young&sad said:


> Even though I know I shouldn't want to talk or hang out with my ex, we've been friends off and on for years. This is actually the first time he's ever brought up talk of feelings and what have you. Last night my husband and I had a big argument about it and I realized that while I want things to work, I don't know if cutting off communication with my ex is something I want to do. We don't talk everyday, but I check in with him every few weeks or so to see how he's doing. (He has some health issues) but I would be doing the same to any of my friends.


So here's the thing --- you SAY you want to work on the marriage, but you are still interacting with your ex who you know has feelings for you (and I suspect YOU do also).
I understand why your husband was upset with you talking with him and argued with you as you are NOT actually working on the marriage.
You say you want things to work, but you won't cut off talking to your ex. You can't have both because your feelings are being split. If you won't stop talking with your ex (he's and ex for a reason, yes?), then just be honest to your H, stop working on the marriage and go ahead with a divorce. You are doing NEITHER of you any good by continuing talking with your ex.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

As long as you’re with your husband, you need to stop talking to your ex.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He won't be palatable until at least a year into sobriety -- and you don't know how much of this is alcohol or how much is just him and his underlying problems. After all, I was a total lush when young but never chose to abuse someone. That's in him. That's not in every drunk. 

I really think you need to divorce before you end up with kids (if I missed that you already have them, please forgive me) and are tied to him forever. He needs to work on it and if he can do it at all, he can probably do it best alone because you and others he knows will be triggers. Let him know his treatment of you has already destroyed your trust, as it well should!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You either give your marriage a proper chance or you don't - there is no half-way house here. Your ex wants to get with you as does the other divorced man. The fact that you have not just one but two men in tow means that you are not 100% in yet. As others have told you this will just make you more confused and your husband more infuriated - something he doesn't need while wrestling with staying sober.

Do you still love your husband (the sober version of him that is)? If so how can you be entertaining these two men especially your ex who it seems you have kept in your life just in case (this is never good for a marriage and I am surprised that your husband was OK with it).


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## young&sad (Nov 4, 2020)

happyhusband0005 said:


> What's going on with your husband and his drinking? Is he just cold turkey white knuckling it or is he in a program? From what I have seen maintaining sobriety works much better when a person works a program. If they're not there is a very strong chance of a relapse. SO what is he doing to hold up his end?


He isn't working with a program, he's been taking at home drug/alcohol tests. According to those he's been sober. And while he's been angry and we've been arguing, I think that's just been down to me and the whole ex talking situation. If it wasn't, he'd be worse and slamming his fists into walls like he usually does when he's had too much.

All of you are right, of course. I can't be speaking with my ex. I thought I could maintain a friendship but it's apparent that I can't when I want the marriage to work. I haven't spoken with him or the other man for a few weeks and I'm going to keep it that way. It's not useful to me. All these things I know and I suppose I haven't wanted to admit them. After years of verbal abuse I clung to whoever let me vent and it happened to be the wrong people. 

Not sure how it's going to go but I _really_ appreciate all the advice and feedback, no matter how harsh it's been to read. It's what I've needed to hear. ❤


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## young&sad (Nov 4, 2020)

I want to thank everyone here that has responded with advice to my situation. As most of you have said, my husband drank again and I have called it quits. I cannot continue to live the way he had been causing me to live. I'm in the process of getting a divorce now, which is heartbreaking, but needed.

So thank you all again for your help. <3


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Unfortunately, that’s very often the outcome. I wish the very best for you.


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