# Help, I really need some advice!!



## halloweendreaming (May 13, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 12 years married for about 4. We have had ups and downs like many couples, but about a year ago, my husband had a meltdown. He was hospitalized for OCD, suicidal thoughts and depression. A few weeks ago he was hospitalized again. He has been really depressed and suicidal, drinking a lot. To boot, we have not been intimate for about 4 months and not much in general for the last year. About a month ago he told me he "loves me like a friend or family member." He told me he is not attracted to me anymore and hasn't been for some time. Too make it worse, he has attraction for other women, so its not just his meds making a low drive. This really hurts.
Then there was a coworker that I felt he might like, many text messages were exchange. When I asked him about it he lied. This lying occurred multiple times. When I asked if he had a crush or had feelings for her he always said no. This last week he admitted he had feelings for her, but not anymore. Yet another lie, he then admits that he still has feelings for her. What do I do with this?
Essentially we are sexually and emotionally disconnected, he is not attracted to me but to another woman, and he is emotionally unstable himself. We both still want it to work and love each other very much. We are in counselling and he is also in individual counselling, but is it really a possibility to reconnect, him to be attracted to me again, and not attracted to her? Last week he told me he thought about starting something with her, imagined what life would be like with her, he even talked about it to his mother. He says he was not serious about it. Is all of this just stemming from his medication or some sort of identity crisis/mid-life crisis? Any advise please post!!!! I am so hurt and don't know what to do.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Welcome to TAM, and im sorry your here. Do you have any kids involved with this? Was the reason for the original meltdown ever established? Do you have access to phone records from around that time still? Was/Could it have been from guilt of something happening with this woman a year ago? 

I'm only asking cause it will give you an idea of just how deep this attachment to the other woman might be. Your probably gonna get serveral opinons on how to proceed. The choice will be yours of course. Your gonna need to dig a little deeper/harder and find out just how serious that has already become. Don't believe what he's telling you about it.

One school of thought is to find out who this woman is and EXPOSE it all, to everyone, if she's married, to her spouse and family as well.
The other school is separate yourself from the equation as much as possible by asking him to leave, or you leave yourself. Either way its a heart wreching endeavor. Theres mixed results either way.

I know your kind of in shock right now, so you need to calm down and ask this first question to yourself. If you find out this is already been a physical affair, do you think you could forgive him for it? Would you want to be with him after knowing? Can you get over the feeling of betrayal that your feeling now, considering you really don't even know much yet?

Just to give you my opinion now, its been physical for a while. The lying, the closed sex window between you and him. The depression, or guilt he's showing projecting back. I know this is going to hurt to hear, but you need to either get him out, or move out yourself for a while. I'm not saying its over, but you need to prepare yourself like it is. Right now he's getting his cake and eating it too. You need to NOT chase him in any way shape or form. Basically your going to have to get him to pick, your not attractive to him being clingy, crying, or begging. He knows what he's getting from you, its been basically the same for 12 years. This new woman is new and exciting, with a sense of mystery. Its very hard to compete against.

I've seen so many results with all different types of strats on how to proceed here. The clingy, begging, crying version to the best of my knowledge is the only one that has NO success in getting the spouse back. 

Im far from giving the best advice, you will get many ideas I hope from some of our affair vets. Weigh all the advice and do what you need to do for YOU. You need to try to change your mindset to this being about you, you cant control anything he's gonna do. He wont just change by himself, but whats the best way of getting him to try to see whats he needs to do. Well that's the magic question, and it varies with every situation. Wish there was a magic bullet that would bring all our spouses back, but that's just not the reality of it. 

I want you to try to calm down as best you can, i know its not easy. When the anxiety gets hard to deal with, try to find some outlets for your mind. A walk around the block? Turn the tv on to a comedy even thou you wont wanna watch it. Make sure you EAT. Pick up a book and try to read. Go out with a friend and/or get yourself a support unit it going, holding it in will drive you insane, start seeing a therapist, who can give you some tools. Please don't blame yourself either, don't try to reason with why this happened or what you could of done differently. 

Good luck, hopefully you can get some good advice here, some outlets for your mind/spirit, and some help from friends/family/professionals. Hope to see you back here posting, daily or more if need be, it can feel better just venting, getting more advice, or just knowing theres a lot of us that are going thru the same thing and your not alone.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

This might need to be moved to coping with an affair to get some better advice.


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## halloweendreaming (May 13, 2013)

He swears that he hasn't had sex with her or done anything with her. He says he doesn't even know if she has those feelings for him. I actually believe him, I don't know if that's just me being optimistic or denial as seeing it as an affair. He has low testosterone and the depression/anxiety drugs don't help with the sex drive. He says that he thinks she is really just an escape from himself, he could pretend to be someone else with her and not have to face his issues. This most recent hospitalization is the 4th in his 35 year old lifetime. I think he has many issues from childhood that have not been addressed. As far as what triggered it, the only thing that I can think of is a pet that we had to put down a year ago, he was really close to him and felt like he betrayed the animal/his friend. He hates his job and it make his anxiety even worse, that has been building, he says he feels trapped in his job. No kids. I dont know if this should be moved because I think it is more of a emotional affair, I am not certain their has been a physical aspect to it.


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## halloweendreaming (May 13, 2013)

Also, I know exactly who she it. She works with him


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## halloweendreaming (May 13, 2013)

She is single, 26 years old, and I want to kick her in the face!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Welcome to TAM. This sounds like an infidelity problem to me as well. Emotional affairs also belong in this section. This thread is now in the CWI section, so you can get plenty of advice.

Your husband is currently in a fog and I doubt it is caused by his medication. His fog is most likely because of the newness of his relationship with the other woman. It is possible for you to reconnect with your husband, but not with the other women in the picture.


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## halloweendreaming (May 13, 2013)

He has talked about quitting his job, partially because of stress/anxiety and because of her. I would love to have him quit and get away from her, but with the recent hospitalizations, it would be financial suicide and I don't think that would help the situation.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Well the moving to anther thread is more about getting advice from people that know the warning signs, not dealing with the affair directly. If he's thinking about someone else, don't you consider that betrayal on some level? Sure you do.

People there might be able to help stop it in its tracks before it does escalate to the next level. They will tell you there are steps to watch out for, and beat him to the punch. It might sound weird but every affair pretty much runs the same cycle, knowing how to cut off/intercede/know whats coming next, and how to deal with it can only be beneficial.

They can give you tips for you, him, and her, and how to deal/cope with it better than I can. I want to give you hope, but i'll be honest I don't know how to do that compared to some of the people on this site. Listen to what the are saying, they are here to help and have the knowledge and expierence to help get you thru it. It might not be the final result your hoping for, and maybe it will, but they've seen it 100x.


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## halloweendreaming (May 13, 2013)

how does an affair run a cycle? What signs?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I understand about the financial suicide, but would you rather have a husband less stressed, AND away from the woman. So you get behind on some bills? Do you think a divorce is cheaper?

If he's really that stressed about it, remove him from the equation. That alone might help with some of the mental stress he's dealing with, don't let this woman be his surrogate wife.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I wish I could give you some more advice HD, im more here for emotional support right now. The best advice you can get is coming, I promise. If your sitting up, early in the morning posting, its just nice to have someone to talk to, especially one that's kinda going thru the same thing. Its comforting being able to vent, knowing your not alone. Heck its why im here. The support of the community is OUTSTANDING, use it to your advantage.


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## halloweendreaming (May 13, 2013)

I am sure we would lose our home. Recently a therapist told him that he should quit, it would be a leap of faith, but it would be a leap in himself. I am all for it, but wouldn't losing our house, medical insurance, being unemployed destruct his already damaged image of himself. I am mostly worried that without insurance he will not get the psychological help he needs.


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## halloweendreaming (May 13, 2013)

Thank you, I am really glad I am able to get this out. I feel really hurt right now. I have felt like a fat, ugly, unwanted, bitter, angry, betrayed and used person lately and I find myself slipping into depression and hopelessness from it. I have seen other posts about their husbands losing attraction to them & I only hope their self esteem has not taken as much as a nose dive as mine has.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I dunno, it seems to me like work is making him sick in the first place, and the woman isn't helping the situation. 

You can call your mortgage company and ask to make a couple of monthly interest only payments??? So you pay, but not the whole amount, it just extends the loan. Worth checking into!!!

Just cause he quits his job, doesn't mean he has to stop working, maybe, just maybe its just what he needs to refocus. Find him a job that he's HAPPY doing. 

If your lives are about to self destruct cause of this job, I just cant see that it has an advantage just cause of the insurance right now. With the possible save mortgage money, buy the COBRA insurance coverage from his old job for a couple of months.


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## halloweendreaming (May 13, 2013)

This is not something that you can just discuss at a family dinner. "Btw, my husband isn't attracted to me anymore, but he does want to start something with a woman he works with and wants to f*** her." That wouldn't exactly fly.


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## halloweendreaming (May 13, 2013)

Thanks, not a bad idea. I didn't know mortgage companies would even work with you. 
Say this is just an emotional affair, do you really think it is possible to reconnect emotionally, intimately, and that I will ever regain trust?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Its sounds like your down, but your not out. I know exactly how you feel, watching my 21 year marriage fall apart, and how it feels like theres nothing you can do about it but despair. 

But there are things you can do, be patient for some of the experts to weight in, and they will!!! Try to stay positive about it right now, its not over, you don't have divorce papers in front of you waiting to be signed. So theres hope this can be fixed, its gonna be painful, and its gonna take some TIME, but keep in mind the biggest regret you can have, is not doing what in your mind is enough to save the marriage.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Its gonna be like working steps to get from here to there, be aware you don't get anywhere in ONE step. Get into your mind that your gonna do everything you can to make this effort. Can you both reconnect, sure! But you have to keep in mind its not gonna happen tomorrow, next week, or even next month. BE PATIENT.

Until you get some advice, or professional help, DONT make mistakes that make it worse. You can get the advice to make things better, even if its just for your own state of mind. Like I said before, you cant make him change, he's gonna need to do that for himself, but you are gonna get advice that will help you with that process.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Could he find a new better job before quitting and switch to it instead of quitting and then looking?

I bet if the girl knew of his issues she'd run fast.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Do you currently have a job? I wouldn't want to depend on COBRA insurance too much. It is expensive and has some glitches.


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## halloweendreaming (May 13, 2013)

Yes, I do have a job. The insurance benefits are lacking to say the least. I was hoping to get more feedback about the matter.  
I do have an update though, the other day we had sex, 4 months later! This seems like a good sign to me, since I would think he would have to be getting back some attraction to make love to me. We are both actively working on our marriage, and it seems to be going fairly well the last few days. Is this just me being naive, or not wanting to see the bad side? I asked him today if he was still attracted to the woman he works with and he said no, could it really just go away within a week? Everyday seems like he is changing his mind. His drinking is still too much, he woke up this morning at 8:30 and drank a 6 pack. I asked him why and he said it is for his anxiety and he is out of kolanpin.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you have a serious mess on your hands and the sexual attraction aspect isn't the worst of it. He has OCD, which isn't a passing thing and is difficult to treat. He suffers from attendant anxiety and is now drinking excessively.

The standard advice for breaking the hold of an emotional affair is to establish no contact. If he can't quit his job, he needs to agree to limit his contact with the OW as much as possible. If he won't do that, then you should read up on the 180 and start following the instructions for it. You need to protect yourself and he needs to see what he stands to lose.

But first, do what you can to achieve no contact with the 26-yo whose face you rightly want to push in.


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## halloweendreaming (May 13, 2013)

Well everyone was right. Sunday he told me he slept with her 3months ago. It hurts so much. I never thought he would do this to me. How do I even start 2 cope?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm sorry we were right on this one. Unfortunately many of us have already been there. You may want to see a therapist. Emotional and coping problems definitely go with being a betrayed spouse.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I think HD, the first thing you need to decide is whether this is a "deal breaker" for you. Is this something you can forgive him for, do you want the marriage to work? Take some time to answer that question.........cause a lot of people tend to give in to the fear first and make a decision w/o the proper thought process. Only you can truly answer that question.

If the answer is yes, pickup a copy of divorce busters, its the book the 180. The Healing Heart: The 180 was written with a good deal of information in regards to affairs and how to cope with it.

I know your feelings are very hurt, the anxiety can be terrible to deal with at first, that's ok. Your gonna have to let yourself mourn.
Then your gonna pick yourself up and get to work. Make sure your eating and getting some sleep!!!!

Now for the hard part, for you to have a chance to save your marriage, you have to risk losing it. The book, I highly recommend picking up, will give you some tools for that very purpose. You have to remember the only thing you can control right now................is yourself. Do NOT beg, cry, plead with him right now, read the link above, and get started.

Come back here if you need to vent, need some support on a bad day, get some more advice from some of the more seasoned vets, or if you just want to keep in journal in this same thread. Keep it all together so people have the information in one spot to help give you better/faster advice when you ask for it.

Good luck.


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