# What should I do with him?



## Lrentz (Jul 3, 2015)

a few of my husbands habits always bother me, like his lack of respect or care for my feelings. For example today he had a day off and so we decided run errands then go shopping. We had a long day, and we were both tired. Once we were home he did enough little things to irritate me and by the end of it I just wanted to run away from him. The kids were around so I just told him not to talk to me for the rest of the night. He put the kids to sleep and I went off to do dishes, clean up eat my dinner. He comes out after the kids are sleeping and wanted to do it. I had had it, so I said no and was too tired, and upset to have sex with him. He turned right around and went to bed!! I feel irritated that he didn't even care to find our why I was upset, once he found out he isn't getting any he didn't want anything to do with me. This situation happens often, and I usually have to just get over it. He's quite unaffected by any silent treatment. Am I wrong to feel this way? Is this part of marriage and I'm just being too sensitive?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

What time was it? Was it bedtime? 

What was he doing to irritate you so bad to the point of actually being mad at him?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Silent treatment = complete waste of time.

If you have a problem with him, communicate it clearly. For example, what were all the little things he did that annoyed you when you returned from your errands? And why were you so annoyed? Does this occur frequently?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

first of all stop giving your husband the silent treatment. its abusive and doesnt help. try to see things from his point of view. men dont know what to do with the silent treatment. there isnt enough information for them to process what to do next. your assuption he was annoying you deliberately is concerning. why would he want to upset you? do you always assume his actions are a deliberate way for him to torture you? if that is the case, why are you married to such a hateful person? if you are reading this and thinking, oh no thats not who my husband is, then you need to address your thoughts and feelings about his behavior and how it relates to your. our spouses are their own people with their own thoughts and actions that are independant of how they feel about us. taking things personally when they arent is a habit you want to get out if if you engage in it. just because you feel aggravated doesnt always mean he has to change what he is doing, especially if you dont communicate what is bothering you effectively. he may have realized you were upset but figured you were a grown woman and should be able to use your words. you are upset because he went to bed and didnt try and pull from you the problem. do you know how exhausting it is to try and communicate with someone who does that? i would also encourage you to examine what is so vexing to you since you said this scenario happens often.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

What were the little things?

And, of course, why do the little things bother you to the point of doing things like silent treatment and rejecting his advances?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

when you say doesnt care about your feelings, what exactly do you mean?


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## Lrentz (Jul 3, 2015)

Well thanks for your responses first. The things he does aren't very big, but hence been going in so long even after I've brought them up with him that they've started to be extremely annoying for me. Because they are little things I don't like to keep talking about my feelings with him in case he thinks that's all I do, hence I stay silent. It's not really silent treatment, I still talk to him but I'm just not my usual talkative self. I can talk a lot when I'm excited. Also I didn't want the kids to hear any of it so I decided to just stay silent. I did tell him at the end if the day that he had upset me enough that I didn't really feel like being with him, yet he didn't seem to care to even ask. 

The things he did last night were: we went shopping for him, he had all kinda of energy until he had to shop for his stuff then he didn't even want to get out of the car. So I kept going I the stores and bought whatever was needed like groceries, some food for next day and kids stuff. I understand he was tired, I was too so I was really okay with that.

Then wen we got home he was hungry I got the food ready and made a yummy milkshake that I thought he would like. He ate the food with a comment or two, and didn't touch the milkshake saying he didn't know about a banana chocolate milkshake and I should have made something else. I had bought some other food while I was at the grocery store and have him that thinking he hadn't eaten right, he said he didn't like that and I should have bought something else instead. Also didn't eat it. I had to throw it out and drink two glasses of milkshake ( it was yummy, the kids enjoyed it too). 

Then I was tired too, I'm a breastfeeding mom so u can imagine. I need to start packing coz we are traveling next week, so I asked him if he could get me a suitcase from the storage so I can start. And he started complaining about how tired he was, so I didn't even let him finish and just went and got it myself. He could see I was irritated but it didn't seem to affect him.

Then while I was packing in the other room, my little one was lying in the living room with him while he was on his phone watching YouTube videos. My lil one started crying and went in for a good 30 sec. I thought he would get her since he was right there and I was busy packing, but he just sat there on his phone like he didn't even hear her.

I told him to please feed my older kid since then I had to feed the little one and he agreed to it, except he did such a sloppy job, he was not paying any attention to her wen she was trying so hard to talk to him. He was still on the phone watching videos, while feeding her with the other. 

Sorry this post is too long now so I'll stop. Maybe I am reading too much into it.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Wait.... he came out after putting the kids to bed, and wanted to be intimate.. you said "no and was too tired, and upset to have sex with him". 

He honored that and left you alone..... And Now you're upset about that? Sounds like you would have been upset just as much if he kept at it and pushed for sex even though you didn't want it. Would You have been complaining that he didn't honor your decision of No??

Okay, I think next time situation is like above, maybe a different approach to your "No. tired & upset" communication could be used. Maybe say something like,..."I'm a bit tired and not in a loving mood... if you could try rubbing my shoulders, and let me vent a little, I might be brought around to a more loving mood, and we could try" ??? 

Or even just.... "Honey, I could really do with just a hug and cuddling right now, I'm upset and not sure if sex would be the best thing right now, but I could really use some emotional support". He probably would have jumped at the chance to do something to make you feel better. :wink2That might be why he suggested the sex in the first place, but didn't know how else to approach helping your mood.)>
Most men need a road map to get around/thru our feelings.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

You feel taken for granted and you think he's not helping. So what did he do over the last week? What kind of work does he do? In my opinion he should have gone in the store with you and he should have thanked you for making him a shake even if he didn't drink it. I would have done both for my wife.


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## Lrentz (Jul 3, 2015)

Haha u make me laugh. My husband is not about foreplay or just huggin at all. I know coz I've tried to just hug before and he's not interested. If I said that to him last night he would just dilly dally around the kitchen for a bit while I waited for a response, then pretend like he didn't hear anything and go to sleep anyway. Look he just wanted sex last night, he didn't care to make me happy. If he did then wouldn't he have tried harder during the day? And not act all testosteroney!!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Lrentz said:


> Well thanks for your responses first. The things he does aren't very big, but hence been going in so long even after I've brought them up with him that they've started to be extremely annoying for me. Because they are little things I don't like to keep talking about my feelings with him in case he thinks that's all I do, hence I stay silent. It's not really silent treatment, I still talk to him but I'm just not my usual talkative self. I can talk a lot when I'm excited. Also I didn't want the kids to hear any of it so I decided to just stay silent. I did tell him at the end if the day that he had upset me enough that I didn't really feel like being with him, yet he didn't seem to care to even ask.
> 
> The things he did last night were: we went shopping for him, he had all kinda of energy until he had to shop for his stuff then he didn't even want to get out of the car. So I kept going I the stores and bought whatever was needed like groceries, some food for next day and kids stuff. I understand he was tired, I was too so I was really okay with that.
> 
> ...



Have you read the book "Love Busters" ? It sounds like both your husband and you do a lot of love busting to each other that could be easily avoided if you were aware. Much of what your husband did would annoy me too. 

But one thing you did that would annoy me, was making the unsolicited milkshake (then being irritated when he didn't want to drink it). Just because it was yummy doesn't mean he was in the mood for that. Suddenly there is this milk shake that he doesn't want that he has to either drink or offend you - that could have been completely avoided if you had said "I'm making a milk shake, would you like one?" in advance. And then accepted "No thank you" if that was his answer.

In the love busters book I mentioned above, I believe the milk shake would fall into the love buster category of "independent behavior" - that is when you do something (anything) that affects your spouse without seeing if they are okay with it first.

I agree with the others regarding the silent treatment, I would nix that ASAP. But I also understand why you are so frustrated you are resorting to it if you are telling your husband he's frustrating you and he doesn't care. I think the Love Busters book will help, but also I would think really hard about how you complain to your husband.

A well crafted complaint is formed around what you are feeling and experiencing and is not judgmental/critical of your spouse. Men in particular seem to need to be really hit between the eyes by complaints. Many of them will ignore minor complaints and figure everything must be fine when you give up.

Here are my ideas of a good vs. bad complaint regarding your shopping experience:

GOOD:
I would really like you to come into the store with me to make sure we get what you want. I am extremely tired too and I don't want to do this shopping and spend money only to get home and realize you wanted different things.

BAD:
I'm so sick of you sitting on your a$$ in the car while I do your shopping. You always do this to me. You are so lazy and helpless sometimes. Why don't you get your own bleeping groceries and let me relax in the car for once?


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## Lrentz (Jul 3, 2015)

He does think he has a tougher job than anyone else. Usually after work he just comes home and sits in front of the tv for the rest of the day. I have to beg in 20 different ways before he will do a simple task and usually after that I'm so worn out from asking him to do one thing that I don't ask him anymore. I just want him to be more appreciative of my efforts atleast. After having an long day with the kids, I bother making a loving meal for him, from scratch two or three items, thinking he will appreciate it. And he usually eats it the first day (he forces himself) and will never touch the leftovers. I've had to throw so much food away because of this and I feel bad because I've gone through the trouble of making it just to throw it away. He'd rather eat out or even when I replicate something he likes eating he still doesn't eat it. It's like he does it to spite me!!! What should I do. I can't just not cook coz I have to feed myself and kids.


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## Lrentz (Jul 3, 2015)

Okay maybe I should have asked him before I made the milkshake, but sometimes I have to force him to eat healthy n that milkshake was the only fruit he's likely had in a couple weeks now. I'm concerned about his eating habits that's why I made the smoothie in the first place. That's another annoying habit of his. Never eats healthy. He will go without eating a veggie or fruit for weeks at a time. Cheese pizza and burgers or burritos all say everyday! And when I ask him if he wants a fruit, obviously the answer is NO. Should I stop trying to make him eat healthy? He's a doctor too gosh!!! You would think he knows the importance of diet.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Stop cooking for him. Let him pick up carry-out for himself; cook just enough for you and the kids. Use the leftovers as meals for you and your kids, and let him fend for himself. He'll get tired of that real quick.

And for heaven's sake, quit throwing all that food away!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lrentz said:


> Okay maybe I should have asked him before I made the milkshake, but sometimes I have to force him to eat healthy n that milkshake was the only fruit he's likely had in a couple weeks now. I'm concerned about his eating habits that's why I made the smoothie in the first place. That's another annoying habit of his. Never eats healthy. He will go without eating a veggie or fruit for weeks at a time. Cheese pizza and burgers or burritos all say everyday! And when I ask him if he wants a fruit, obviously the answer is NO. Should I stop trying to make him eat healthy? He's a doctor too gosh!!! You would think he knows the importance of diet.


You are both feeling underappreciated. That’s pretty clear.

Do you make him cheese pizza, burgers and burritos? Or does he buy those out? 

If that's that he likes consider cooking what he likes. And tell him that you cooked it because it's what he likes.

Burgers: chop up veggies very fine and mix them in with the meat. I do this all the time and no one even notices it.

Burritos? If you put meat in the burritos. Mix in the veggies and fry it up. If it’s beans, finely chopped onions (I use a food processor to chop it super fine). And then re-fry the beans with the onions. Make homemade chili sauce for the burrito. All kinks of finely chopped veggies can go in to that.

Pizza: Does he like spaghetti too? My dad used to puree carrots, celery, onions, etc and include that in with the tomato sauce. After it was cooked you could not even tell all the veggies were there.

One of my sons hates onions. He says that they feel like ****roaches. (Yes, he knows. He ate a roach when he was a toddler.) So I finely chop/process onions and put that in a lot of things.. like soups, sauces, etc. He has no idea that the onions are there.

Be creative. It sounds like he’s annoyed because you won’t fix food that he likes. He probably feels controlled because you are telling him what he needs to eat. So he is rebelling.

Does he usually drink those milk shakes? Or was this a one-time thing to turn it down?


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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

What kind of "deal" did the two of you make in the start of the marriage? Does he go to work and bring in a good salary and you take care of the house and kids? That deal does work, but not when there are little kids in the picture, men and women need to spend time with their children. period. Somehow you need to talk to him when you aren't upset about household duties and children. I thought the generation having children now shared child care duties more equally then years ago? 

It doesn't sound like he is invested in the household or children or really even much in you. Communication will be your salvation, hopefully. The only thing the silent treatment does is keeps you from saying anything to him when you are upset, which can be good so you won't say anything you probably shouldn't, but bad because you never get the upset out in the open. 

When you talk you should have a plan, of what you would like help doing. Don't make it a session of everything he has done wrong, make it about you being overwhelmed with everything and how he can help you. 

Having a husband that works long hours and small children is a very hard thing. ((((Hugs))))


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> Stop cooking for him. Let him pick up carry-out for himself; cook just enough for you and the kids. Use the leftovers as meals for you and your kids, and let him fend for himself. He'll get tired of that real quick.
> 
> And for heaven's sake, quit throwing all that food away!


This is a good point too. Let him eat fast food for a while. And do not say a thing to him about it. He will most likely grow tired of it.

I think that the two of you have a power struggle going on and food I the hill you are both willing to die on. 

One of you has to stop it. If you stop nagging him and giving him food that he does not like, then he will eventually give up his end of the power struggle.


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## Lrentz (Jul 3, 2015)

I will just stop cooking now because when I do make an effort to make things he likes, he still wastes most of it. He has lived on eating out most of his life, I'm afraid he will be ok with it going forward too. But he has cholesterol problems and I want him to be healthy so....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lrentz said:


> I will just stop cooking now because when I do make an effort to make things he likes, he still wastes most of it. He has lived on eating out most of his life, I'm afraid he will be ok with it going forward too. But he has cholesterol problems and I want him to be healthy so....


How are you going to tell him that you are not going to cook for him anymore? What will you say?


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## Lrentz (Jul 3, 2015)

Sure said:


> What kind of "deal" did the two of you make in the start of the marriage? Does he go to work and bring in a good salary and you take care of the house and kids? That deal does work, but not when there are little kids in the picture, men and women need to spend time with their children. period. Somehow you need to talk to him when you aren't upset about household duties and children. I thought the generation having children now shared child care duties more equally then years ago?
> 
> It doesn't sound like he is invested in the household or children or really even much in you. Communication will be your salvation, hopefully. The only thing the silent treatment does is keeps you from saying anything to him when you are upset, which can be good so you won't say anything you probably shouldn't, but bad because you never get the upset out in the open.
> 
> ...


I used to work too, I've recently decided to stay home when I had my second kid. He wanted me to, for the sale of our kids. Joint decision, but he had been like this when I worked too. Now he's worse though since I'm home he feels it's all my responsibility now that I'm home. He jokes about it. The thing of it is, I really don't think he cares if I don't cook for him or not clean the house or do t really pay attention to the kids, but I can't just not do it. If I ask him to help clean, it's typical of him to say why are you doing it too leave it and just relax. The only cleaning responsibility he has is to clean the bathrooms. The bathrooms only get cleaned when we have visitors, which is once a month or longer. It grosses me out but I am adamant about the one chore that's his.


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## Lrentz (Jul 3, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Lrentz said:
> 
> 
> > I will just stop cooking now because when I do make an effort to make things he likes, he still wastes most of it. He has lived on eating out most of his life, I'm afraid he will be ok with it going forward too. But he has cholesterol problems and I want him to be healthy so....
> ...



No idea, I guess maybe just ask him if he doesn't want me to cook anymore since I am throwing it away anyway, and he's rather just get food out.


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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

Lrentz said:


> I used to work too, I've recently decided to stay home when I had my second kid. He wanted me to, for the sale of our kids. Joint decision, but he had been like this when I worked too. Now he's worse though since I'm home he feels it's all my responsibility now that I'm home. He jokes about it. The thing of it is, I really don't think he cares if I don't cook for him or not clean the house or do t really pay attention to the kids, but I can't just not do it. If I ask him to help clean, it's typical of him to say why are you doing it too leave it and just relax. The only cleaning responsibility he has is to clean the bathrooms. The bathrooms only get cleaned when we have visitors, which is once a month or longer. It grosses me out but I am adamant about the one chore that's his.


Can you afford a house cleaning service? If so get one. Otherwise just do the stuff that drives you crazy. And talk to the husband about helping with the children when he is home. He should be involved with the children no matter what. Point out that he is missing a part of their lives by not being engaged with them. Also explain that even though you do not work at this time you still get tired of being attached to a child at all times even while he sits and watches videos on his phone. 

In a way he is right, will your children remember the time you spent with them or the time you spent cleaning the house? But he has to be involved with the children too.

The food.....geez maybe you could have a talk together and plan out a menu for the week? Stuff he likes that could be made more healthful? Maybe he could stay home with the children while you go to the grocery store instead of all of you going? Think about having an hour of uninterrupted time at the grocery store every single week......


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Lrentz said:


> He does think he has a tougher job than anyone else. Usually after work he just comes home and sits in front of the tv for the rest of the day. I have to beg in 20 different ways before he will do a simple task and usually after that I'm so worn out from asking him to do one thing that I don't ask him anymore. I just want him to be more appreciative of my efforts atleast. After having an long day with the kids, I bother making a loving meal for him, from scratch two or three items, thinking he will appreciate it. And he usually eats it the first day (he forces himself) and will never touch the leftovers. I've had to throw so much food away because of this and I feel bad because I've gone through the trouble of making it just to throw it away. He'd rather eat out or even when I replicate something he likes eating he still doesn't eat it. It's like he does it to spite me!!! What should I do. I can't just not cook coz I have to feed myself and kids.


That is, indeed, frustrating.

Have you tried to discuss the food with him? And have you told him your concern for his health? (from your other post)

What if you both listed all the foods that you liked and saw where things overlap and you tried to cook those items? I want to say, just let him eat his take out, but that's probably really bad modeling for the children. And I think it's sad when a family doesn't share the same meal, but that's me.

I don't know what else to suggest regarding food, but I do believe that the more you try to get him to eat healthy the more he will resist. I am not overweight and I try to eat healthy in general, but I do love some potato chips. My husband will hear the potato chip bag in my home office rustling and say things like "I can hear that." or "We have apples, you know." 

He would say he cares about my health, but it makes me feel controlled and really so furious. I just want to start shoving handfuls of potato chips in my face in front of him. Overall, I do eat more junk food when he does that because I start to feel deprived like I need to sneak what I want to eat, which makes me think about it and crave it more.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Everyone has different emotional needs. If he doesn't appreciate "domestic support" would you consider that you can put less effort into that and more into what his needs actually are. 

That's why I love the book "His needs. her needs", because it shows you how your spouse feels loved. It really was eye opening to me, after being together for more than 2 decades and wondering why my man didn't appreciate one thing, but would be happy if I did another thing. I was making assumptions and making it ever harder on myself. Good luck. This sound fixable.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

I was in the same position as you for about 10 years until i had to make a change on how i communicated with this dude. we have now been married for 21` years and I am no longer planning my escape. I had to realize a few things, some of which i mentioned in my first response. that asking this dude to do things over and over again made me feel violently angry, disreguarded and inconsequential. what i came to realize is that sometimes this dude needs to put himself first and I had to be okay with that. We call that picking up each others slack. when i dont feel like cooking because im tired he orders out. it was tougher when our kids were younger. we had to have conversation about expectations and where they come from. his mother worked part time, his father two jobs and his mother took care of all the household things including being the primary caretaker of the children. he was under the impression thats the way our household should run. my communication skills were terrible despite being a therapist. I grew up in a home where both my parents were alcholics and staying quiet was my best bet. that survival skills did not work in my marriage. I got us the book Love Languages and I feel it saved my marriage. I was the queen of the silent treatment when I was hurt, angry or frustrated. my reasons for engaging in that behavior matter less than the hurt I caused my husband. He also had to learn a few things and make some changes. but we had to listen to eachother without defensiveness and with the goal of understanding and not responding. when i stopped focusing on how miserable I was and made this dudes happiness my priority things changed in how he related to me. even when we feel like the victim its important to acknowledge our own behavior that contributes to the breakdown of our relationships, no matter how justified we feel in engaging in the behavior. there are also some things we just had to accept were part of our individual personalities and werent going to change. but being loving and kind, giving each other the benefit of the doubt, realizing we are not enemies to each other and we dont set out to hurt eachother on purpose, being slow to to anger and quick to apologize turned our relationship around. 

and sometimes i really dont want to hear my child talking to me because im tired and give them half my attention. sometimes we go to the store and the last thing i want to do when i get home from work is to go to the grocery store. sometimes i can suck it up and sometimes i just cant. he will go and I will cook. its a compromise. I would also do things for him i wouldt have wanted done for me and then get angry when he didnt seem appreciative enough. I ask him what he wants to eat and then I cook it. if he doesnt know, I cook and if he eats or not is on him. I have to cook anyway. I learned to not to take those things personally. we are not perfect and at any given moment we are doing the best we can. we get in trouble when we focuse on what our partner is not doing at any given moment instead of focusing on what they are doing right. remembr we chose each other and with daily life beating us in the ass, we forget those reasons.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> Stop cooking for him. Let him pick up carry-out for himself; cook just enough for you and the kids. Use the leftovers as meals for you and your kids, and let him fend for himself. He'll get tired of that real quick.
> 
> And for heaven's sake, quit throwing all that food away!


AMEN,amen & AMEN!!!.

Do it sister.

Quit catering to him if he doesn't appreciate it. Make enough for you & kids of what you like & what is healthy for them. Make an extra plate. If he doesn't want it & voices his opinion.... say "There's the door... Go get yourself a heart-attack dinner somewhere. I'm not doing it anymore." And if he *****es too much, then he can find some other fool to pour burritos down one hole, and lay open another hole for him.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I like your attitude about it all, Janesmith. Seems like you have made great growth in communication & acceptance/giving in your marriage.
Hope we all can achieve that.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

thank you chelle D. it was and is still a lot of work and worth it. I was on tam at the height of my misery. I had to leave when i was ready to work on it and not just complain about it. what i learned most by reading the stories here, is to consider how I was affecting him. because some of these stories sounded like his perspective and I had to take a step back and realize i was not a victim of my life but a full participant whether it was going well or to ****.


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