# Husband makes plans without talking to me about it.



## Wickedwiggins27 (May 5, 2020)

My husband likes to make plans to go ride dirt bikes with his friends without even talking to me or telling me about it until that day. I also believe he has narcissist traits because if I did that to him he'd flip out and give me guilt trips. I'm not allowed to talk to any of my guy friends anymore. If I make plans to go do something with my mom or girlfriend he always asks why I didnt invite him or why cant he go. He also has no empathy and does not seem to care how i feel or how his actions make me feel.


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## SheriGoddart33 (May 5, 2020)

It’s wrong when a man hides all his plans until the last moment. Did you find out from him why he does this?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Remember the date and circumstances of the dirt bike trip. Next time you make a plan w/ your Mom or gf, don't tell him until the last minute. If he flips out, remind him of the dirt bike trip. When you get back, you can have a discussion about what the bilateral rules are.


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## Wickedwiggins27 (May 5, 2020)

SheriGoddart33 said:


> It’s wrong when a man hides all his plans until the last moment. Did you find out from him why he does this?


He says he didnt know until this morning


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## Wickedwiggins27 (May 5, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> Remember the date and circumstances of the dirt bike trip. Next time you make a plan w/ your Mom or gf, don't tell him until the last minute. If he flips out, remind him of the dirt bike trip. When you get back, you can have a discussion about what the bilateral rules are.


I'm not allowed to go on trips with anyone but him.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Wickedwiggins27 said:


> I'm not allowed to go on trips with anyone but him.


For real? Oh man, we're just scratching the tip of this iceberg. Buckle up.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

Stab in the dark here. I’m an INTJ-T and I have plans within plans, everything is thought out.

My wife is an ISFJ and often wants to spontaneously run off and do some wacky thing that frustrates me.
When I discover MBTI and that I’m an INTJ (rare personality) things in this world started to make more sense. I now understand myself and my wife better and how we both make decisions.

While this was helpful to me some believe MBTI is just another form of quackery.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Wickedwiggins27 said:


> I'm not allowed to go on trips with anyone but him.


Ah, rules are not bilateral.

I guess some people can put up with that, I could not. I would like to help you, but I don't think I can.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Wickedwiggins27 said:


> I'm not allowed to go on trips with anyone but him.


Yes you can. You can do anything you want, He doesn’t own you. Stop giving him so much power. If he does whatever he wants, you can too.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Wickedwiggins27 said:


> I'm not allowed to go on trips with anyone but him.


Red Alert! Major abuse flag!

This is unacceptable. If you can't go out without him, then he can't go out without you. This is isolationist abuse. Get out while you can!

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Wickedwiggins27 said:


> I'm not allowed to go on trips with anyone but him.


what are you, teenager living with her parents?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Wickedwiggins27 said:


> My husband likes to make plans to go ride dirt bikes with his friends without even talking to me or telling me about it until that day. I also believe he has narcissist traits because if I did that to him he'd flip out and give me guilt trips. I'm not allowed to talk to any of my guy friends anymore. If I make plans to go do something with my mom or girlfriend he always asks why I didnt invite him or why cant he go. He also has no empathy and does not seem to care how i feel or how his actions make me feel.


I read through posts, and rather than recommend this/that (although I do in a fair number of other threads) I'll share an example rather than recommendation.

Now I'll preface this with saying many other responses here are spot on. Need to heed them.

My example, being M over 35yrs:

Sometimes both DW and I share reasonable short notice plans with each other, mostly we have enough layed out in advance but things do come up, and it happens. Mostly it's about family or work stuff but sometimes it's with friends. Hers female, mine male, sometimes mixed, but never alone with one on one thing. That's just in poor taste both ways.

Now and then I'll tell her I'm going fishing for the weekend with ling time friends, or motorcycle riding to a medium distance locale, but alone or to meet friends, fish, return.

And she does same to me, rarely but it happens, and between us it's no big deal.

I've never told her she couldn't do thus/that because first, that'll make her do it, second I want her to have a good sense of self and that's for both of us.

I would never tolerate her calling a male friend on ph, text, etc, or going out one on one with a male, she knows this, but I'd never tell her she couldn't, whether she does/doesn't has to be her choice, I'll make my choice on reaction and for my life, and she'd have to live with or not, but always her choice. With her choices come responsibility. Same for me.

We trust each other.

Niw, I'm probably the worst offender of short notice but I never short notice things that conflict with an us planned day or family planned day. That's also in bad taste.

Am I perfect in this, no, but for us, all this works out with a sense of supporting rather than restricting the other, goes both ways.

Hope things get better for you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Wickedwiggins27 said:


> I'm not allowed to go on trips with anyone but him.


What is good for the goose is good for the gander. Book a day with your friends. Your H can go ride his toy in the dirt.


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## Wickedwiggins27 (May 5, 2020)

Cletus said:


> For real? Oh man, we're just scratching the tip of this iceberg. Buckle





Cletus said:


> For real? Oh man, we're just scratching the tip of this iceberg. Buckle up.


I believe he's a narcissist.


maquiscat said:


> Red Alert! Major abuse flag!
> 
> This is unacceptable. If you can't go out without him, then he can't go out without you. This is isolationist abuse. Get out while you can!
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


I guess someone said I have to get him assessed first by a dr, even though he denies everything he does.


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## Sophia 76 (May 3, 2020)

this not a good sign, its not good for husband not telling the wife his plans until that day, but have you try to talk to him about it to find out what the problem is.. but i advise you should be careful when asking him. try to make him open and free when talking to him. better still ask him when his in good mood


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And you put up with two sets of rules because?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You also have a similar thread going in The Ladies Lounge. I'll address you here in a similar manner: WHAT do you do/how do you react when, and if, you go out socially without your husband? Does he throw a fit every time? How do you handle the situation?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wickedwiggins27 said:


> I'm not allowed to go on trips with anyone but him.


Wtf? Yes you can honey. You're a grown woman, he doesn't own you nor get to tell you what to do.

My husband goes out with his mates sometimes, sometimes things are planned in advance, others short notice - in those instances he always calls me to run it past me and make sure there's nothing else happening. Most of the time there isn't, but there have been a couple of times when he's forgotten that we had something on and doesn't go.

That you're being isolated this way really worries me.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Max.HeadRoom said:


> Stab in the dark here. I’m an INTJ-T and I have plans within plans, everything is thought out.
> 
> My wife is an ISFJ and often wants to spontaneously run off and do some wacky thing that frustrates me.
> When I discover MBTI and that I’m an INTJ (rare personality) things in this world started to make more sense. I now understand myself and my wife better and how we both make decisions.
> ...


INT J-T....ISFJ.......MBTI?
Really? 
Just type the actual words. Who knows what you are talking about.


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## Wickedwiggins27 (May 5, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> You also have a similar thread going in The Ladies Lounge. I'll address you here in a similar manner: WHAT do you do/how do you react when, and if, you go out socially without your husband? Does he throw a fit every time? How do you handle the situation?


I dont go out without him cause it causes an argument. If I do go out to hang with a friend he'll blow up my phone asking me if I'm gonna go *****.


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## Wickedwiggins27 (May 5, 2020)

frusdil said:


> Wtf? Yes you can honey. You're a grown woman, he doesn't own you nor get to tell you what to do.
> 
> My husband goes out with his mates sometimes, sometimes things are planned in advance, others short notice - in those instances he always calls me to run it past me and make sure there's nothing else happening. Most of the time there isn't, but there have been a couple of times when he's forgotten that we had something on and doesn't go.
> 
> That you're being isolated this way really worries me.


I have nobody to talk because I'm isolated. I have to delete my messages from my mom or daughter cause he'll read them.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

hinterdir said:


> INT J-T....ISFJ.......MBTI?
> Really?
> Just type the actual words. Who knows what you are talking about.


Those are personality type and really long to type out. They aren't just limited to introvert and extrovert, and there is a large varity. I'm not claiming to being able to keep them straight in my head, either. I look them up if it makes a difference to my comprehension, and otherwise, just note they are refering to personality types and move on.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Wickedwiggins27 said:


> I have nobody to talk because I'm isolated. I have to delete my messages from my mom or daughter cause he'll read them.


Holy hell in a handbasket! Send a message to your mom, delete it if you have to afterwards, have SEVERAL members of your family come get you. Be willing to lose all material possessions aside from the clothes on your back. Just get out! If you can arrange it while he's not there, even better, but with several people he can't stop you. They need to refuse to leave until you come with them. You need to stand fast and leave. Even if he calls the police to have them leave his property, given that your family will say that they are taking you and he refuses to let you leave, the police will make him let you speak to them. The only way it fails is that you cave and send your family away.

This man is dangerous. Abuse does not have to be physical. I've had to assist in enough rescues to say that this can turn real ugly and harmful to you if you stay.


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## Wickedwiggins27 (May 5, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> Holy hell in a handbasket! Send a message to your mom, delete it if you have to afterwards, have SEVERAL members of your family come get you. Be willing to lose all material possessions aside from the clothes on your back. Just get out! If you can arrange it while he's not there, even better, but with several people he can't stop you. They need to refuse to leave until you come with them. You need to stand fast and leave. Even if he calls the police to have them leave his property, given that your family will say that they are taking you and he refuses to let you leave, the police will make him let you speak to them. The only way it fails is that you cave and send your family away.
> 
> This man is dangerous. Abuse does not have to be physical. I've had to assist in enough rescues to say that this can turn real ugly and harmful to you if you stay.


He lives with me in my house so I'd have to get him to leave.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Wickedwiggins27 said:


> He lives with me in my house so I'd have to get him to leave.


He obviously doesn't hover over you like a hawk. Somehow I get the feeling that he'd be very unhappy to see this thread. As I said, just get the message off, and if he is there, he is there. Just have several people pick you up so that there cannot be the threat of physical violence against them. In the end,the resolve will have to be yours. You can't let him bully you into staying or coming back. Don't be afraid to get the police involved if he refuses to let you leave. For that matter, have someone use a dash cam or other recording device while trying to get you, so that you have proof that he was refusing to let you leave of your own accord.

If you stay, that is on you. No one can make you leave. But it won't get better, not based upon your description. And it could get worse. It could escalate to physical violence. My one wife is a victim of domestic abuse. 15 years later, she still collaspes into a cowering stance if I or our husband raise our voices too loud with anger or frustation. When things go wrong, even when they are something that she had no ability to control, she starts appologizing immediately, because he always blamed her, no matter what, and took it out on her, verbally or physically. The worse is when she has a sugar crash (she's diabetic). I think he must have really done a number on her during such periods, because the terror in her eyes rips my heart out. She appologies and begs not to be hurt. It sometimes takes all three of us to calm her down enought to get food in her to counter the crash. I don't want to see that happen to you. I am hoping that you can get out before you end up like my wife.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Wickedwiggins27 said:


> He lives with me in my house so I'd have to get him to leave.


Most places you would need to serve eviction papers to get him to leave. You may move out during the eviction period. And he has no authority to make anyone leave that you want there, at least while you're living there.

If he refuses to let you leave when you want to, that is a felony.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Wickedwiggins27 said:


> He lives with me in my house so I'd have to get him to leave.


And why aren’t you?


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## Wickedwiggins27 (May 5, 2020)

Openminded said:


> And why aren’t you?


It's not as easy as you all think. You love this person, you want to believe they will open their eyes and change. I have too much empathy, I dont like hurting people's feelings.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Wickedwiggins27 said:


> It's not as easy as you all think. You love this person, you want to believe they will open their eyes and change. I have too much empathy, I dont like hurting people's feelings.


I left a very long marriage so, yes, I do know how difficult it is and so do many others here. The problem is you’re living on hope that he’ll change and he won’t. Men like him look for women like you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Wickedwiggins27 said:


> It's not as easy as you all think. You love this person, you want to believe they will open their eyes and change. I have too much empathy, I dont like hurting people's feelings.


This may be an eye opener - most of the persons giving you advice on this forum do indeed, very much so, know it's not easy.

So don't use the phrase its not as easy as you all think because most do, and you saying this is another common response from a betrayed spouse who's trying hard not to see what's happening in front of their very eye.

Also get rid of the notion that you're the only one that's ever found themselves in your described circumstances. It's a usual, typical situation. 

Only the personal details change when applying this to an individual.

It is tragic, and we're with you in spirit my friend but you have to open your eyes.


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## Wickedwiggins27 (May 5, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This may be an eye opener - most of the persons giving you advice on this forum do indeed, very much so, know it's not easy.
> 
> So don't use the phrase its not as easy as you all think because most do, and you saying this is another common response from a betrayed spouse who's trying hard not to see what's happening in front of their very eye.
> 
> ...


I never said I was the only one. Lol


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Wickedwiggins27 said:


> It's not as easy as you all think. You love this person, you want to believe they will open their eyes and change. I have too much empathy, I dont like hurting people's feelings.


And that is exactly why most victims end up with their abusers for years. It's a false hope. I'm not saying that it can never happen, but it is rare that they change. And even when they do, it takes an event like the other waking up and leaving to alert them to their abusive ways. It's not easy and I'm not trying to pretend that it is. But is not hurting his feelings worth what you are going through? Is it worth the risk of bodily harm or emotional or mental harm?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Your beliefs that he's been mistreating you are validated and if this has been going on for a long time, someone else is at least minimally aware. 

Please realize even a little start is a start, and you can separate, and live a better way than being alone and in fear for your physical safety as well as emotional well being.

You can do it.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Wickedwiggins27 said:


> I dont go out without him cause it causes an argument. If I do go out to hang with a friend he'll blow up my phone asking me if I'm gonna go *****.


That's abuse. You really need to stand up for youself. Do you want to spend your life in prison, isolated from your family, friends, all the support you might get from them. Is this the life you want? Scared all your life? Do you want your kids to learn that's how you live?
That's not NORMAL. Run, woman.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Wickedwiggins27 said:


> I'm not allowed to go on trips with anyone but him.


Good Lord.

What's this crap you're *"not allowed"* to go out without him and when you do, the fool is calling you constantly? Your friends must think he's a real douche bag. I know I do.

Is this creep your father or your jailer?

You married an abusive troglodyte, but let me guess - you looooooooooooove him too much to ever leave him, so you'll just continue being emotionally and verbally abused by Prince charming and passively accepting it. Am I in the ballpark?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Again didn't actually offer any advice just cut a pasted to the 5th thread now? This isn't helpful to the OP. I think it is against the rules. Hopefully the ban will come soon. 


Sari said:


> Hi,
> I went over what you guys wrote and thought I put it here as it might be relevant and helpful to some of you in the near future. We are about to go live with a new online marriage counseling service and would love to get your view on it with a 1-minute google survey. To fill the survey, please click here > New Professional Marriage Counselling Service - from home!
> Thanks!
> Sari


@EleGirl or @MattMatt or @Lila am I wrong?


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## Trailwolf (Apr 6, 2020)

He is a very selfish person , I advise that you be very cautious !


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