# SAHW/M is the laziest person I've known



## starshooter (Jan 24, 2012)

Hi there. I'm here as a guy who needs some help with a sahw/m. I am 32, she is 38. When we got together, I had just lost my job and she carried us till I got a job and she lost hers 3 years ago due to no fault of her own.

When we got together, we partied, alot. Not really drinking, but psychedelics for me and psychedelics + pot for her. Every weekend it seemed we were out at a party and ended up venturing into the Lifestyle, going to swinger clubs and swinger house parties every weekend. Really, we both enjoyed it and didn't have any jealousy issues or arguments at all. Our communication was excellent and we stuck by each other through thick and thin. We experimented, found what we liked, and stuck to it.

Well, we got out of that honeymoon phase and have moved on to being more serious. We talked about children and decided to have two. A year after we stopped partying, we had our first child and he is awesome. He loves to laugh and is incredibly expressive at 6 months old.

When we first got together, she was smoking pot every day. Not alot of responsibilities, I didn't think much into it. Then I find out it took her 6 years and 3 colleges to get a bachelors degree in psychology. And she was still smoking pot everyday, for probably the last 10-15 years, well before I knew her.

I am now/still the sole breadwinner of the house and our marriage is on the rocks. We don't partake in the Lifestyle any more and I'm being responsible in providing for our family. She still smokes pot every day. Not stoned where she can't do anything, but she uses it to cope with daily life and I think that means she is abusing it.

By easy going, I mean that there are very few needs that I have. Dinner before 9pm would be nice (i get home at 5:45pm), not waking me up at 2am so she can put away clothes in the bedroom would be nice, cleaning the house, doing dishes, you know, basic wife stuff that I did while she worked and I was at home. But she doesn't. And I'm too demanding.

She has an easy life. She goes to bed between 1am and 3am most nights, doesn't get up until sometimes noon or 1pm. Does laundry maybe once a week. Doesn't really make dinner, just throws still-frozen chicken in the crockpot (sometimes she can't even get that done until 4pm). She goes to the gym when I get home 4-5 days a week and usually once every 2-3 weeks she has a girls night where she goes out dancing w/ friends until 2-4am. I ask for more from her around the house and she says I don't understand just how busy she is. But I can work 9-10 hrs a day, do the dishes, watch our son, make dinner, do THOSE dishes, and ensure we have enough time to talk at night.

Am I wrong to think she is absolutely lazy?

Last week we got into a pretty big fight because she refuses to listen to what I say. I told her the truck needs gas and she ignored me twice in two weeks. The result was her running out of gas and blaming me for not being more direct (other than "You NEED to get gas before you come home from the gym"). She yelled at me and threw the keys at me as she refused to get gas. I got us into counseling, but after our argument last night because she wanted a different pillowcase at 1am and wanted to count diapers in our bed with the overhead lights on, she now says she won't go to counseling.

I know I'm not crazy. Well, maybe I am for putting up with it. Thing is, all her behavior changed after the baby, as if she now has an excuse to be #@$#@$% lazy. I want her to do more, but every talk I have with her she yells at me, interrupting me with almost every sentence about how horrible of a partner she is, how horrible of a wife she is, how horrible of a person she is, and how horrible of a mother she is. I really hate this as it is backtracking on the real subject. 

I'm trying hard to have a good life, good family, and great son. But I need help and she just isn't giving it to me. I'm still seeing the counselor this week and will bring up her drug use, incredibly late hours, and overall refusal to be a responsible adult.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

pot makes you lazy, especially daily use. her reality is different than yours


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> pot makes you lazy, especially daily use. her reality is different than yours


Yup.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

She sounds like a pot smoking parasite to me. It’s best to believe what you see is what you get and you will never ever change her and make your life changing decisions from that baseline. Your number one considerations are your son and yourself. I think you’d be a fool to have any more children with her. She very much more than likely has a mental disorder, probably genetically susceptible and magnified by the pot.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Who is looking after the baby in the mornings if she isn't getting up until 12 or 1pm? Surely the baby does not sleep until that time every day? Is the baby at nursery or in some kind of childcare whilst she's sleeping all morning? Are you going to work knowing the baby will be awake and she is asleep because you seriously need to address that NOW. Not tomorrow but NOW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Oh my, I would never be okay about the pot smoking. I agree with the posters above, pot makes you very lazy. I've seen it with two heavy pot smokers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

I have three daughters, grown now but I still remember...they don't wait until noon or 1 pm to need attention. Normally between 6 and 8am a child will wake up and need to be changed, fed and held. If your wife is not getting up until noon she is putting that child in danger. It's not a good situation and you need to address that part of it immediately.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Ok well if you are the one that just does it all while she smokes pot and is lazy, then decide what you really want. Is this the life you want? If not, give her an ultimatum, stick to it. If you don't then she will think you are not serious and she will keep on. Set some boundaries. Tell her you would like for the both of you to get into some counseling. Let her know up front how serious things are. If shes not willing to meet you half way, then present her with separation papers.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm disabled with a neck injury(2 herniated discs and permanent spinal cord damage from another disc they took out). I'm able to clean the house, but I know my limitations. It takes me all day to clean due to resting most the day. I'm able to get a small bike ride in as well. I also cook breakfast and dinner and dinner is done between 5/5:30 depending when hubby gets home. If I can't cook due to the pain hubby will pick up a subway or a broasted cooked chicken from the grocery store. Sometimes it's tough getting the kids off to school when they are tired, like this morning. I hate a messy house!(when my house is messy, I don't care about other people's houses)

I still disagree with the pot big time, but you did marry her knowing she likes it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## starshooter (Jan 24, 2012)

My son wakes around 7am and she feeds him and changes his diaper then. He co-sleeps with us so it isn't as though she has to go to another room to feed him.

She tells me that sometimes she get's up at 9am to start getting things done. Still, 9am...sometimes...

I told her last night that if she is so incredibly busy with one infant who can't even walk yet but still can't accomplish daily cleaning et al, there is absolutely NO way she can handle having another newborn nursing while chasing around a toddler who wants to eat everything. I have serious concerns about her ability to parent another child given her actions and inactions.

She has to try, bottom line. No more skating through life. It is going to be hard to get her to give up weed, but I have to try. I don't have a personal hatred or disgust to it, but that is something college kids do to experiment, not something almost 40 year old mom's do. She needs to grow up emotionally.

I also confronted her about the statement she made about me being too demanding. She said not physically demanding, but emotionally. She said she can't fulfill my affection needs (and not just sex). I told her that we DON'T cuddle on the couch, we DON'T hold hands when we go out, we DON'T snuggle in bed, we DON'T go to bed together, we DON'T pinch/squeeze/flirt, we DON'T have flirty nicknames, we DON'T always have dinner together, we DON'T wake up together, we DON'T lay on a couch together. We hardly give each other ANY affection.

I told her that if she thinks she gives way too much affection, she obviously has no idea how to give affection and I'm not going to be in a marriage just so she can sleep all day and not do anything else.

She said she can't fulfill my needs and I asked her what she thought my needs were. She said to give affection, sew clothes, do things for you without arguing, and bedroom activities. Then she said I ask her to do things and she doesn't know how. Then she says I could do things to help her, such as being more thoughtful like getting up earlier to run to the store to get more diapers.

I'm sorry...I told her you stated that you have no idea how to make me happy, but then start giving me things to do to make you happy? Uh, no.

Then she said she doesn't like my inquisitive tone. Well, too bad. I'm not trying to be all nice and caring. I tried that. Didn't work.

She still doesn't know if she is going to the counselor w/ me on Thursday. If she doesn't, I'll be going myself and bring up the drug use plus everything I wrote down that she said last night.

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I did bring up depression and post partum. She emphatically stated she wasn't depressed. Either way, we are stopping illegal drug use. Last week we got in an argument and said she just needs to go to a friends house to smoke weed. No, I told her. That is not going to help anything. You run away and get high. Bad day, you get high. 5pm, you get high. Need to relax, get high. I'm done with weed in my house and her smoking it.

There was a time about a year ago when we just couldn't afford it. After about a week or so of her not smoking, she could remember her dreams, she got more done, etc. I bring it up now, and she denies it. No, sorry. She is making excuses.

She has a strong family that I'm thinking about talking to. Her brother is getting his PhD, her sister is already a Dr and raised 2 kids while in medical school with a SATD, and her other brother is an actor. And her mother is an accomplished fitness instructor. She has the ability, but is wasting it away.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Where is she getting the money for buying the pot? The last time I checked, it was not being given away for free.

I can understand people with serious medical issues needing to smoke pot, but it seems that she has no valid medical reason for doing so and is just doing it to get high and escape from reality.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I would be concerned about your child being left in her care while shes smoking weed. 

Back in the day when I smoked weed, I got a hold of some bad stuff. Some might say it was "good stuff" for me it was bad. It was apparently laced with another substance and I started wigging out bad! Doing crazy things that I wouldn't normally do with "regular pot". That was actually the last time I smoked any.

She doesn't know what she may get a hold of. Just because what she usually smokes might be ok, doesn't means he might not get some that is laced with some thing else, and then there she is with your child in her care. I would be very interested in hearing what the counselor has to say once he learns there is a child in her care and shes high.


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## starshooter (Jan 24, 2012)

I budget a certain amount of money for her, a certain amount for our son, and a certain amount for me. She can buy clothes with her money, do what needs to be done. It isn't alot, but I'm managing the finances so we can pay our bills, pay down on our small remaining amount of debt (a few hundred), invest in 401k and investment club, have insurance, and we each get a small amount to enjoy life with.

Even if she goes with me, I'm going to bring up the drug use. Time to be an adult and be responsible.

Running the home like a business is a great analogy, thank you. I will attempt to have her realize this.

She tells me that she stays up so late because our son stays up so late (1-3am). But I'm willing to bet that if she got up so early and made him wake up earlier, she would see that he would go to bed earlier, allowing her to go to bed at a time that a responsible person see's as normal.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Then it is time for you to cutoff her supply of money since she is not being a responsible and productive adult by using it to buy pot to get high.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yup.


I smoke every single day and I am far from lazy, thanks.

I still cook, study, clean and do laundry. I also work part time.

My husband has no complaints about how productive I am. He *never *comes home to a dirty place with no dinner. 

I also earn good grades while I am studying to obtain a new career.

Some adults can be disciplined enough to live a normal life while smoking dope. It helps me with nightmares and flashbacks, much more than therapy ever did.

Of course, TAM is a staunch conservative website so I should expect closeminded beliefs about pot.

It is impossible for me to sit and smoke weed all day; I have other things to do.

A mother should never smoke or be stoned around her children.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I think of pot like I think of alcohol. A lot of of either leads to problems. Some of either - not so much.


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## starshooter (Jan 24, 2012)

I will say she isn't baked out of her mind every day. A bit here, a bit there, but it is just about every day. If I drank 2-3 shots of vodka every day, I know it would affect me and how I interacted/felt.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

starshooter said:


> I will say she isn't baked out of her mind every day. A bit here, a bit there, but it is just about every day. If I drank 2-3 shots of vodka every day, I know it would affect me and how I interacted/felt.


The really big thing is your child. It’s brain is so small and so undeveloped as yet and as such your baby is seriously susceptible to developing mental health problems like paranoid schizophrenia.

I go into mental health wards to see my sister when she’s sectioned due to her borderline personality disorder. There are signs everywhere in the ward stating that three out of four patients are in there because of smoking pot.


Your child is a pot smoker at the age of six months. It’s highly immoral let alone criminal.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

AFEH said:


> The really big thing is your child. It’s brain is so small and so undeveloped as yet and as such your baby is seriously susceptible to developing mental health problems like paranoid schizophrenia.
> 
> I go into mental health wards to see my sister when she’s sectioned due to her borderline personality disorder. There are signs everywhere in the ward stating that three out of four patients are in there because of smoking pot.
> 
> ...


I agree. I'm not conservative. The reality is if she is nursing your son, he is smoking pot. Did she smoke pot while she was pregnant?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Even as a Mary Jane user, I agree that smoking while breastfeeding is horrifying.:wtf:


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Starshooter,

Sorry to be judmental buddy but you sure picked a loser. What did you think was going to happen when your marriage was built on a poor foundation.

Having said this, at 38 years old its almost impossible to clean up a loser like this. Time to start focusing on your son and yourself. Talk to her and give her an ultimatum to clean up her act and get help. If she refuses dump her and go for full custody. Document with pictures and recordings her drug use. Your son deserved better!


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Poor baby. He deserves better.....


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## starshooter (Jan 24, 2012)

So more talks yesterday and the day before. I told her I seriously doubted her ability to raise another child and that her inaction shows me how little she actually tries. I said that if 1 child prevents you from even being able to make yourself something to eat during the day or to put still-frozen meat in a crockpot, there is absolutely no way she will be able to nurse a second child and take care of the first PLUS take care of our home.

I told her I want her getting up at 8am to start her day as that is what her life will lead to. She said she will change when she needs to and I retorted that she needs to change immediately as I need her to change.

She thinks he is all that matters and my input is just a suggestion and nothing more, so she can keep living the life she wants. She said as my son is awake until 1-3am, she stays up with him as he needs her there. I tried to explain to her that if he responds to her not being in bed with him and she is in bed with him till 10am-1pm, then her getting out of bed at 8am will wake him up earlier, thus he will get tired earlier and will starting going to bed for the night earlier. She didn't follow the logic. Or, refused to.

I spoke to my mother about this, as my wife did. My mother supports divorce if she does not change and will move to my area to take care of my son during the day so after the divorce he will be taken care of appropriately during the day while I'm at work and I can pick him up after work to bring him home.

Another counseling session tomorrow. Not sure if she wants to go, but I'm going.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Good for you, its time for boundaries and consequences! I know this must be really hard. How do you think she would be if she didn't have pot in her life? Do you feel its mostly the pot thats contributing to the way she acts, or do you feel this is how she possibly would be even without it?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I hope she mentions to the MC that you act more like her father than her husband. If my husband told me what time I need to wake up I'd tell him to zip his lip. I'm not saying your W is innocent, far from it, but your style of communicating is helping no one.

Is she in IC? It certainly sounds like she needs it. Her behavior before you were married was unhealthy and I'm assuming a way to cope with something horrible in her past. I'd be willing to bet she's been depressed for a while and her hormones have left her with a major case of postpartum depression. She needs one on one help at this point. Even if you decide to leave her, please get her the help she needs. She'll always be your child's mother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## starshooter (Jan 24, 2012)

WhereAmI said:


> I hope she mentions to the MC that you act more like her father than her husband. If my husband told me what time I need to wake up I'd tell him to zip his lip. I'm not saying your W is innocent, far from it, but your style of communicating is helping no one.
> 
> Is she in IC? It certainly sounds like she needs it. Her behavior before you were married was unhealthy and I'm assuming a way to cope with something horrible in her past. I'd be willing to bet she's been depressed for a while and her hormones have left her with a major case of postpartum depression. She needs one on one help at this point. Even if you decide to leave her, please get her the help she needs. She'll always be your child's mother.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She already has mentioned that I am acting like a father instead of a husband. However, I have acted like a husband where I have asked for things and she doesn't do them. Get up before 10am....and I get a "if I feel like it" response.

I'm so incredibly tired of her complaining of how little time she has to actually do anything of value for the house. Yesterday she said she got up at 9am, changed and fed him, and then spent a few hours on facebook and watching TV.

How far should I go to get my point across? Asking politely hasn't helped. Having discussions about her actions haven't helped. Arguing about her wasting hours online hasn't helped. My communication skills are not horrible as I'm getting my point across. But she is lacking in motivation to do that which I ask of her, that which I want her to do, and eventually, what I demand her to do.

I understand that my demands are met with resistance, but it isn't as though I'm demanding things out of the gate, certainly not. I absolutely NEED her to just TRY to be a good wife. Effort is all I'm asking for and I get a smidgeon after a loud verbal argument and then it is back to nothing. 

There is no trauma in her life. She smokes, according to her, because her father did every day and it never affected him like she says it never affected her. Regardless that her father was an abuser and philanderer who was never really there for them.

I just got a text from her, she was awake at 9:20am and stayed in bed to read to him, as she does every morning. 

She has never been to counseling before.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

starshooter said:


> There is no trauma in her life. She smokes, according to her, because her father did every day and it never affected him like she says it never affected her. Regardless that her father was an abuser and philanderer who was never really there for them.


Sounds like trauma to me. I had a similar upbringing and it almost ruined my marriage.

Counseling and a desire to change was what saved me.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. She does not think she has a problem therefore it's unlikely she will do anything about it unless the pain of not doing so is high enough.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

starshooter said:


> I told her I want her getting up at 8am to start her day as that is what her life will lead to. She said she will change when she needs to and I retorted that she needs to change immediately as I need her to change.


The above that you told her comes across as being her father not husband. I truly understand you want her to change, and get help, and start taking better care of herself and your child. However, she is more than likely gonna see what you said to her as a threat coming from a father type figure. Its not likely to work. If anything she may become more defiant. 

I think you do need to continue to go to counseling though. Also you can want her to change all day long, but until she is ready I doubt that will happen. Work on you and what you might need to for your child. If she makes no efforts etc, then you will need to make a decision.

Sorry I think our posts crossed when I mentioned you being like a father, and you stated she had already told you that. I'm glad you are aware though.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Starshooter,

What if you just stopped?


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## starshooter (Jan 24, 2012)

Stopped what? Trying to save the marriage? 

I grew up with an abusive father and my parents were divorced when I was 12-13. It was truly hard on me and even harder on my mother. I knew how many hours she worked to afford the apartment and how little he contributed, defying the court order.

More than anything, I want there to be a healthy family with two parents. Abadonment by either of us will not serve him well in life. But...maybe better now before he remembers things later in life.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Read these two paragraphs. If you don't know how they're related, I'll tell you:

_I understand that my demands are met with resistance, but it isn't as though I'm demanding things out of the gate, certainly not. I absolutely NEED her to just TRY to be a good wife. Effort is all I'm asking for and I get a smidgeon after a loud verbal argument and then it is back to nothing. 

There is no trauma in her life. She smokes, according to her, because her father did every day and it never affected him like she says it never affected her. Regardless that her father was an abuser and philanderer who was never really there for them.

_



starshooter said:


> Stopped what? Trying to save the marriage?
> 
> I grew up with an abusive father and my parents were divorced when I was 12-13. It was truly hard on me and even harder on my mother. I knew how many hours she worked to afford the apartment and how little he contributed, defying the court order.
> 
> More than anything, I want there to be a healthy family with two parents. Abadonment by either of us will not serve him well in life. But...maybe better now before he remembers things later in life.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

It seems to me that if you know about her pot issues, yet you leave your child in her care on a daily basis, you share liability if something happens to your child while in her care. I seem to recall a "failure to protect" clause being used against either parent when a child is exposed to danger.

If I were you, given that you've tried to go to counseling (and presumably tried to get your wife into rehab) I would immediately go see an attorney (with a bias towards getting your wife out of the picture until she gets the help she needs). Tell him or her exactly what you've told us: continual pot smoking, bailing as soon as you get home, nothing gets done (i.e. dinner, housework), she has no job (and probably cannot due to the weed), she still parties with her friends regularly.

It seems that your wife just changes him, sticks a bottle of formula in his mouth (Lord help all of you if she's nursing), and keeps him from harming himself. You could easily find day care to do that and fund it with your wife's drug money. On a practical level, you would be better off overall not having to pull your wife's dead weight.

BTW, what is your plan for safeguarding your child in another six months when he's walking about and getting into things while your wife is stoned?

This is not about punishing your wife. This is about protecting your son, protecting yourself (since you are the only stable parent your son has), and getting your wife the help she needs.


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## confused0112 (Jan 26, 2012)

I doubt it has anything to do with pot.

I never had a child and you say that her life is easy, but from all my friends who had one it seems that having a little baby is extremely hard, it messes up your schedule of sleep, you have to get used with always being around it and respond to the needs. I have been to my friend's who had a baby house and it was a mess. And she isn't a pot smoker or lazy. Maybe it just isn't as easy for her as you think? 

And it still may be depression even if she doesn't admit it. Sometimes if the depression is not severe people don't really realize they have it based on the few symptoms


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## starshooter (Jan 24, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Read these two paragraphs. If you don't know how they're related, I'll tell you:
> 
> _I understand that my demands are met with resistance, but it isn't as though I'm demanding things out of the gate, certainly not. I absolutely NEED her to just TRY to be a good wife. Effort is all I'm asking for and I get a smidgeon after a loud verbal argument and then it is back to nothing.
> 
> ...


I certainly can see how they would be related.

She just told me a friend asked her for a hookup with a felony amount of another drug, after the fact, not before. And she was asked about it yesterday, so she didn't tell me yesterday. She said yes, already got the money, and is making phone calls to finish it.I'm no angel and never claimed to be, and endangering our freedom's is one thing but now she is endangering the wellbeing of our child and that is absolutely unacceptable. She needs to think and she isn't.

This is the first time she's done this.

:FIREdevil::cussing:


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

starshooter said:


> I certainly can see how they would be related.
> 
> She just told me a friend asked her for a hookup with a felony amount of another drug, after the fact, not before. And she was asked about it yesterday, so she didn't tell me yesterday. She said yes, already got the money, and is making phone calls to finish it.I'm no angel and never claimed to be, and endangering our freedom's is one thing but now she is endangering the wellbeing of our child and that is absolutely unacceptable. She needs to think and she isn't.
> 
> ...


Ask yourself how long you want to deal with drugs being around your child. That will be how long you stay with her. If she into drugs you can't change her. Get your son away from her. I have nieces and nephews who have had to deal with this. It isn't pretty. Do it now before your son get any older.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

yeah, this is bullscat. time to grow up and drop the drugs.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

If you attempt to get her to take responsibility for her actions, she will blameshift and make it your fault.

She is angry.

She is angry at things that were done to her a long time ago and you are the stand-in for her anger.

So, your testimony about the smidge of movement followed by nothing is typical.





starshooter said:


> I certainly can see how they would be related.
> 
> She just told me a friend asked her for a hookup with a felony amount of another drug, after the fact, not before. And she was asked about it yesterday, so she didn't tell me yesterday. She said yes, already got the money, and is making phone calls to finish it.I'm no angel and never claimed to be, and endangering our freedom's is one thing but now she is endangering the wellbeing of our child and that is absolutely unacceptable. She needs to think and she isn't.
> 
> ...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Time to put your foot down. First, request that you both start attending IC. Let her know you'll work on your communication issues and attempt to be more understanding. More importantly, let her know that you need this "friend" and whoever the drug dealer is out of her life permanently if she wishes to keep her family together. Address it at MC if you must.You need to protect your child's well being first and foremost. 

I believe she's depressed and that your way of reacting is harmful, but she's quickly spiraling out of control. You can't let her take you or your child down with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## starshooter (Jan 24, 2012)

I told her tonight that under absolutely no circumstances will there be any more illegal substances in my household. I spoke to an old friend today who was a cop and he informed me that if she gets busted for anything, the child protective agency will complete a drug test on my child and if he is detected to have drugs in his system, he will be taken out of our custody.

I'm trying to find the laws and state policies regarding this so as to pass along the info to her if she rejects my suggestions that she stop use with backup from the law (even if it just a printout).

As far as the guy who hooked her up, he is the guy who she let move in with us for a few months, telling him he can pay $100-$300 in rent a month, without my approval. So far, he's paid $50. Can't say I'm anywhere near satisfied with this. Unfortunately, due to state law, there has to be a 30 day notice given for him to vacate. He will be out in March and was told that if he brings drugs into my house and on my property again, to the detriment of my family and well being of my child, we will have much bigger problems than him not paying the rent.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

WTF! She let a male drug dealer move into your house with your infant without your permission. WTF? Thats even worse than what you originally posted about.....


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

starshooter said:


> I told her tonight that under absolutely no circumstances will there be any more illegal substances in my household. I spoke to an old friend today who was a cop and he informed me that if she gets busted for anything, the child protective agency will complete a drug test on my child and if he is detected to have drugs in his system, he will be taken out of our custody.
> 
> I'm trying to find the laws and state policies regarding this so as to pass along the info to her if she rejects my suggestions that she stop use with backup from the law (even if it just a printout).
> 
> As far as the guy who hooked her up, he is the guy who she let move in with us for a few months, telling him he can pay $100-$300 in rent a month, without my approval. So far, he's paid $50. Can't say I'm anywhere near satisfied with this. Unfortunately, due to state law, there has to be a 30 day notice given for him to vacate. He will be out in March and was told that if he brings drugs into my house and on my property again, to the detriment of my family and well being of my child, we will have much bigger problems than him not paying the rent.


If it's reported in NJ, I can tell you that in NJ they will most likely take away custody from your wife until she gets in a drug treatment program and submits to months of random drug tests with clean test results. You may be able to have custody and she'd probably get supervised visitation but you'd have to move out of the house or have her move out and prove that where you were moving to was drug free and a qualified safe home. You then would be dealing with unannounced visits from DYFS/CPS even if you aren't found to be on drugs, you will be guilty of knowingly allowing your child to be in a house where illegal drugs are. You will have to prove that your house is now safe.

The system is subjective though and it's ultimately up to the caseworker and others assigned your case. If they don't charge her or both of you with abuse and/or neglect they will close the case in regards to criminal charges and move to leave the case open for services. They may leave the child in the home subject to your wife and yourself following the course of action they set out for both of you. This is all even if the child doesn't test positive but marijuana is found in your house. If the child tests positive I am 90% sure they will move to charge both of you with abuse and neglect. Then you're facing criminal charges.

If you leave her or force her to leave and report it. The same system will be in place but a judge would be in charge of making all the decisions in your life with the help of the reports filed by DYFS/CPS who would most likely ask your wife to submit to a full psych evaluation. If she won't take the test voluntarily, DYFS/CPS will have to decide if there's cause to get a court order to force her to take the evaluation. 

The judge generally speaking takes these reports seriously. I would guess that you'd be awarded full residential custody and she'd be given supervised visitation until she can, again, follow DYFS/CPS recommendations (which could include impatient treatment that they would sponsor or outpatient treatment that they would sponsor) as well as test negative on all random drug tests. If that happens, the judge would most likely move towards joint custody.

Either way, if there is no abuse or neglect involved and your wife simply has a drug addiction that she won't cop to, my best advice is that you press her to seek treatment and gather a support system to intervene with you to further pressure her to seek treatment.


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## starshooter (Jan 24, 2012)

The guy is tryin to be an artist. Ok fine. She told he needed a place to go, asking him in front of me thereby putting me on the spot. I told her we could talk about it and make a decision. 30 minutes later she tells him he can move in without us discussing it.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I also have to tell you that if you know your wife is creating an abusive/neglectful home for your child, you are legally liable to report it. Not doing so is a criminal offense.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

is the artist guy a lazy stay at home person too? are they staying at home and being lazy together? think about it


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## starshooter (Jan 24, 2012)

No, he goes to his studio to work and he's dating some other girl who he brought over last night. Given our past, I'm not worried about cheating.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

Is this man a druggie and is he around your son? Do you know all the horror stories of what drug addiction does to kids and what is done to kids by people while they are high? If your wife is nursing your son while doing drugs, you are participating in an experiment with your son's developing brain. Have her switch to formula now.


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## starshooter (Jan 24, 2012)

When you say "druggie", to what are you referring to? I'm not sure about you, but I certainly see a difference between a person who does meth/crack/heroin/coke/pcp and other hard drugs and a person who smokes weed occasionally.

I've already handled the situation with him, did it last night and it is now a non-issue.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

starshooter said:


> When you say "druggie", to what are you referring to? I'm not sure about you, but I certainly see a difference between a person who does meth/crack/heroin/coke/pcp and other hard drugs and a person who smokes weed occasionally.
> 
> I've already handled the situation with him, did it last night and it is now a non-issue.


Proud of you for taking action with the guy.

As far as being sure about me. Here goes. I don't distinguish between drugs. It is about addiction. Alcohol is legal. It is a drug. Some people have a problem with it. Some do not. Weather or not weed is worse than alcohol I don't know. I'm willing to say it might not be. From your post, it is my understanding that your son is being nursed. If this is true, it is abuse.

Further information: I'm someone who has picked up the pieces of siblings with drug addiction. The effects on the children are not pretty. Children who are exposed to drugs in uterine and through nursing have a higher risk of learning problems. Worked with my niece this past summer. She couldn't learn to add 2 to the numbers 1 through 9. We worked the entire summer. I used different methods. Babies whose needs are neglected can develop trust issues. There are many more problems.

I don't want to come off harsh. I just feel your situation if taken care of now, doesn't have to go down the above path. I think you are on the right path. You are trying to create change and I commend you.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

Babies of this age, need constant stimulation, talking to, interacting with, in order to develope properly. I am not as upset about the pot smoking, I do it as well, but she must interact for you baby to develope his brain properly. Granted, when I had my first baby, my house was neglected, dishes werent always done. My first was my first and they take more time, as you arent sure yet how to handle your time. I wish you well.!


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

LimboGirl said:


> Is this man a druggie and is he around your son? Do you know all the horror stories of what drug addiction does to kids and what is done to kids by people while they are high? If your wife is nursing your son while doing drugs, you are participating in an experiment with your son's developing brain. Have her switch to formula now.


There's a difference between horror stories and reality. His wife smokes pot, it's not like she's a crackhead or an alcoholic. As far as I know there has never been a consistently measurable impact on baby development in any study of breastfeeding by pot users. I know there has been at least one study that actually found babies do better when breastfed by heavy pot users. I'm not saying breastfeeding moms should smoke pot, but it's been going on for thousands of years and clearly is far less harmful to babies than most drugs.

OP: I think you shouldn't make this about pot with your wife. Her pot use is a problem but it is not THE problem. Focus on her behaviors first, where her pot use plays a role in those behaviors address it.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

Just curious, where can I find the study about breastfeeding while smoking pot?

My concern comes from a previous post about his wife buying other drugs. Maybe I'm remembering wrong. I will have to go back and check his posts.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

starshooter said:


> Hi there. I'm here as a guy who needs some help with a sahw/m. I am 32, she is 38. When we got together, I had just lost my job and she carried us till I got a job and she lost hers 3 years ago due to no fault of her own.
> 
> When we got together, we partied, alot. Not really drinking, but psychedelics for me and psychedelics + pot for her. Every weekend it seemed we were out at a party and ended up venturing into the Lifestyle, going to swinger clubs and swinger house parties every weekend. Really, we both enjoyed it and didn't have any jealousy issues or arguments at all. Our communication was excellent and we stuck by each other through thick and thin. We experimented, found what we liked, and stuck to it.
> 
> ...



I know this from personal experience. I am not judgemental against pot smokers, but there is a price for doing too much. Smoking pot for years on end suspends emotional development. Getting high is an act of avoidance. Your wife is basically as mature as the age she was when she started smoking. She's 38 and acting like a teenager with all her passive aggressive crap. She needs to stop smoking so she can begin to experience all the stuff she's been trying to avoid her entire life. It won't be easy and your marriage may not survive but it needs to be done so she can begin the maturation process for the sake of your child. I would also say that your marriage started on a very shakey foundation and I have no idea how on earth you trust her going out until 4am without you.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

He is missing the whole point of this what happen when his wife is driving to score some pot with kid in car and it is a drug bust?????e 

Maybe some poeple need a wake up call


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## Auzzie (Jan 23, 2012)

If I were in your shoes...Id be moving your child and yourself out of that environment until she straightens up. Your baby deserves so much better of her and you. You have enabled her unfortunately...Im sorry for your situation but you have to make the right choices for your child who has no say in this situation. Good luck


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