# How to cope with DDay anniversary



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Hello all - some know my story - I am a BS, wife had EA with long time platonic friend she knew before me. We are both 40, have three kids 11-15 years old. We are in R, up and down, but generally doing pretty well.

I discovered the EA via email. OM emailed W expressing major jealousy over her talking to a former ex of hers. W and OM met up at a bar with several other friends after an MLB game they attended separately. I knew they were both going, W told me they were meeting up after with their respective friends. W happens to run into a guy she dated 20 years ago at the same bar. They talk, catch up, and the OM got crazy jealous, emailed her a long diatribe the next day. Her response to reassure him confirmed the full on EA they were having. I found the email 2 weeks after the email was written.

Anyway, this MLB game was for her friend's birthday. And they are going again this year - just so happens to be on the DDay anniversary, here in a couple of weeks. OM is out of the picture, NC for 11 months now.

I am already triggering about this. I know the OM isn't going, that my wife is recommitted to me, but this event is bringing up some horrible times and I can just feel the PTSD building up inside of me. 

What are some techniques other BS have done in these situations, especially with the 1-year anniversary?

Not even sure if I want to bring it up with her, because she'll assume I want her to stay home, which I don't. Her friend would be crushed and it would be small of me to do that. I'm just looking for coping mechanisms. 

Thanks.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Is there any reason that prevents you from going? You going with her would be like reclaiming that date.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Interesting...The birthday girl is someone I know, and I would know one other person going - but they got their tickets for the game already. It would be weird if the one husband went with 5-6 girls. It would be like, "why is he here"? But meeting up with them after might be a possibility.

One of the girls going lives in the city and I think their plan is to crash there after. But Lord, you did put a thought in my head.

I have already invited a couple of buddies to hang out that night - one accepted and one declined. The guy that accepted would understand if I cancelled and met up with W after the game. Issue would be me going home and her feeling pressured to come home with me instead of crashing at her friends' place.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

I just went through my 6 month Dday aniv, I'm the BS. Mayhem has some solid advice there, the best coping mechanism would be to reclaim the date. Lots of members on this forum use the analogy of the 'Red Pill' well life is not always so one sided. There are times where the 'Blue Pill' has a place as well.

Reality is very subjective, and at the end of the day, the choice of how we perceive it is ours. The date only has as much meaning as you are willing to assign to it. However, if you are unable to resolve the feeling internally, you should bring it up with her. Then accept at face value what she offers you. If your wife's friend is really a friend, she will not be crushed, she will be understanding. There are many people in need of help these days, maybe a worthwhile suggestion to have your wife and her friend donate the tickets to some needy kids/organization and then watch the game on the boob tube with you. Or if you really feel like you will ne a third wheel, you can go hang with your buddies, while they watch the game at your house.

My two cents anyway.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

"Issue would be me going home and her feeling pressured to come home with me instead of crashing at her friends' place."

I think her going home with you is the least she can do. By now she should know and understand this is a trigger for you, perhaps an open conversation is in order to remind her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

when we say that WS needs to do the heavy lifting this exactly the sort of stuff we mean by that

IOW, when she ran by the date with you and you realized it would be a bad trigger you then say something and then the WS makes it so it is comfortable for you by either having you come or making the sacrifice by not going

simple as that, the truly remorseful WS will do such thing in a heartbeat, mine did and still does


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If you've expressed yourself to her already and she balks then she doesn't give a crap about your feelings.

It's gonna hurt him but I want to have fun.

So, it's still all about her only, very selfish if she goes even though she knows you're gonna be dying inside again.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

The heart of the issue is my wife blames me for how bad our marriage had become right before the EA. And admittedly it was probably 80% my fault. When I tell her that the marriage issues weren't all my fault and she had a part in it, she says, "Well why do you even want to be married to me then?"

And she still thinks she should be patted on the back for not taking it to PA. She's just f*cking clueless.

Last night she could sense that something was up with me, asked me what was wrong, and I said I was fine. Then this morning I felt like bringing this up, and she was upset I didnt' feel comfortable talking to her last night when she asked. But then when we did discuss it, she felt I was punishing her still. That I never focus on "why it got to that point" and she "never wanted it to get there", and instead I only focus on "what she did".

I will say this - a big flaw of mine is deferring maintenance. I tend to let things get to critical mass before I react - from fixing a leaky faucet, to tending to a relationship, and everything in between. It's a major flaw of mine, and she brought this up again, how I am still doing this with everything in my life, and this is why things got so bad. It's a valid point, but it doesn't change the fact she emotionally stepped into another man's court as a result, and that was WRONG. She knows it was wrong and she's been raked over the coals...to the point she thinks she's been raked over the coals enough. 

So I'm to the point where I don't feel like I can talk to her about this issue anymore. I mean, it's over, the OM is out of the picture, we've been doing great, been loving, etc. But we hit an impasse when we talk about this now. It's like she heavy lifted for several months and can't lift anymore weight.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

It sounds as if she takes you for granted again, Gabriel.

Really, her position boils down to "get over it", just worded a bit differently. Not a good sign.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> If you've expressed yourself to her already and she balks then she doesn't give a crap about your feelings.
> 
> It's gonna hurt him but I want to have fun.
> 
> So, it's still all about her only, very selfish if she goes even though she knows you're gonna be dying inside again.


More accurate than this is...

She cares about my feelings, but cares about her well-being more. She's so damaged from her childhood, and so averse to any sort of therapy that she is left with an almost unquenchable need for affirmation, fun and support. She could be described as selfish, but it's not because she doesn't care about me or others - it's because her needs are just so extensive.

The mistake I made was thinking her daddy issues were under control when I met her. I married her, and am not going to abandon her over it, but it's hard, for sure.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It takes 2-5 years to recover from this Gabe. I'm at the 2 yr mark and still having a hard time. Almostrecovered is 2 yrs out and doing well because his wife is truly remorseful and doing the heavy lifting.

Remember this chart?










She feels she's been "punished" enough and she's done with it? This isn't true remorse and you know it. This is rug sweeping, and you know your resentment is just going to build up.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

snap said:


> It sounds as if she takes you for granted again, Gabriel.
> 
> Really, her position boils down to "get over it", just worded a bit differently. Not a good sign.


She's never taken me for granted. She begs for my attention. But you are closer to being right with your 2nd sentence.

I am going to pose this question to her and her reaction should be interesting. "Wife, when I trigger about stuff, and that IS going to happen, how would you like me to handle it?"

Because this game is just the beginning of several major events that are going to bring up very bad memories over the next month or so.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> She feels she's been "punished" enough and she's done with it? This isn't true remorse and you know it. This is rug sweeping, and you know your resentment is just going to build up.


Yes, it will. And this is why, despite otherwise productive R, I know we are not "safe" yet.

I honestly feel on some level she will always blame me, and will always be resistant to any sort of therapy. We went to 6-7 MC sessions and she couldn't take it anymore. Thought the whole thing was all about what she could do to make me feel better, and none of it was about how I could be a better H. Even though we did hit on that some, she only remembers the other parts. These next few weeks are going to be real test for me.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Gabriel, unless she gets help for her so-called daddy issues, your marriage will always be imperiled. You might have been responsible for 80% of the problems in the marriage (I doubt this) but she is 100% responsible for the EA. She sounds really proud of the fact that the affair didn't get physical (do you really know this for a fact?)

And what about the boyfriend that made the OM jealous?

I would also be wary of her 'Girls Night Out' activities. This is a breeding ground for unfaithfulness. You say that she is selfish, which is clearly what she is being by not considering your feelings.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Gabriel, unless she gets help for her so-called daddy issues, your marriage will always be imperiled. You might have been responsible for 80% of the problems in the marriage (I doubt this) but she is 100% responsible for the EA. She sounds really proud of the fact that the affair didn't get physical (do you really know this for a fact?)
> 
> And what about the boyfriend that made the OM jealous?
> 
> I would also be wary of her 'Girls Night Out' activities. This is a breeding ground for unfaithfulness. You say that she is selfish, which is clearly what she is being by not considering your feelings.


Yes, 100% sure it didn't go physical by virtue of what was in the emails between them. Her GNO activities have dropped 80-90% since the EA. She knows what she did was wrong, knows we are finished if anything were to happen again. Her issue is that she feels 99% of the marital blame has been thrown on her now, when it should be shared.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Yes, 100% sure it didn't go physical by virtue of what was in the emails between them. Her GNO activities have dropped 80-90% since the EA. She knows what she did was wrong, knows we are finished if anything were to happen again. Her issue is that she feels 99% of the marital blame has been thrown on her now, when it should be shared.


You think the problem might be that she hasn't really taken ownership of the A? Do you think that keeps her from being truly, TRULY remorseful?

I'm making a distinction here between acknowledging it was wrong vs. owning it fully.

I'm thinking of what I read in this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/28260-taking-ownership.html

Sorry if I'm off base here or this throws you in a wrong direction.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Not yet reading the link, you are right on. Is is remorseful for what happened, but does not fully own it. Probably never will. She believe we both did the other wrong, and that she is the perp and I am the victim. It's partially true, but she needs to move a bit closer to owning this than she has.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Well, last night we went on an impromptu date, talked out a few things over some drinks. She actually invited me to accompany the group on the birthday outing for the game/etc. It was a great gesture and a very good result. 

Not sure I will take her up on it or not, but having that option and getting the heartfelt, sincere invitation was a nice step.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Gabriel said:


> Well, last night we went on an impromptu date, talked out a few things over some drinks. She actually invited me to accompany the group on the birthday outing for the game/etc. It was a great gesture and a very good result.
> 
> Not sure I will take her up on it or not, but having that option and getting the heartfelt, sincere invitation was a nice step.


Yes, Yes, should I say it for you - YES .:smthumbup:

Go for it, make your wife proud to be with you. Dress well, turn on the charm , pretend its another date, give her flowers and seduce her.


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## razorsedge (Apr 9, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Well, last night we went on an impromptu date, talked out a few things over some drinks. She actually invited me to accompany the group on the birthday outing for the game/etc. It was a great gesture and a very good result.
> 
> Not sure I will take her up on it or not, but having that option and getting the heartfelt, sincere invitation was a nice step.


I would go, plain and simple. Your mind will be at ease and you will probably have a GREAT TIME.

I have major trust issues because of my wifes dishonesty early in our marriage. If my wife invited me to go, in my head I would be thinking "does she really want me going or does she KNOW i will decline the invitation so she can go have her "fun". I would err on the side of caution and go.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Well, the DDay anniversary is this Friday. I just secured coverage for the kids, and I am going to meet the W and friends out that night.

The game starts at 1:20pm, I am not going to the game, but meeting them after work at whatever bar they go to when the game is over. Lining up a buddy to go with me.

My W at one point said, "I haven't asked (birthday girl) yet" meaning, if it's okay if I join them. I told her, well, that wasn't a problem last year with you guys met up with the OM and his buddies afterwards. 

She relented and warned me that they will likely be tanked by the time we get there. No problem. The whole point of this is me erasing this day, reclaiming it. I don't care if I have a crappy time even. If I stayed home I would probably drink myself into oblivion - it's partly to protect myself against that.


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