# Advise needed from women who's husbands don't show affection



## Wifeof20years (May 19, 2016)

I am truly in need of people's opinions. We have been married for over 20 years and have 3 kids. My husband over the last 9 years has emotionally and physically left the marriage. Leaving me a room mate. I am physically fit and try my best to stay sexy. Yet he is not interested. We have been seeing a marriage counselor but not helping much. I do not think he is cheating. I am a pretty good detective. He says it's cuz we bicker but I think it's an excuse. He is depressed imho is an alcoholic. Why is it so hard to leave someone who doesn't care for you anymore? Please tell me the wives who've left and found happiness. i am the weak one who cries. I need to find some strength. Help please.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Wifeof20years said:


> He is depressed imho is an alcoholic. ... I need to find some strength. Help please.


I know you are looking for responses from woman, and I generally stay out of the Ladies's Lounge, but you may find it helpful to "talk" to men that are in stable LTR relationships. 

1st things 1st, even in loving relationships, life gets messy and takes a toll, and can leave two very caring people without any sense of feeling loved. It gets worse as some withdraw to prevent feeling further rejection. Even my wife at some point told me that she did not feel she loved me anymore and if not for the kids she would have left me, and there have been moments I have felt the same feeling creep up in me about her. ...my point being is that many feel this way and develop a sense that they need to run away from everything for the sake of self preservation. In reality most of the time it can just be two very loving people that have been run over by life for no fault of their own. 

Things in my marriage turned around when I almost died and was in the hospital for a few weeks. Ever since I have made it a point to always focus on the things to be thankful for!

If you need some strength, grab a photo album and take a moment to look at all the things you have been through with your husband and kids. Odds are there are some HUGE milestones that passed by unceremoniously and virtually unnoticed. Make it a point to recognize those things and be thankful. In that you will begin to find strength. Hopefully it can be strength that helps you and your husband get back onto your feet and remember to hug each other each day.

...now there are some who eventually insist on turning into almost a lost cause and are determined to suck the life out of everything around them with negativity. If your husband is that way, it may be helpful to put some distance for a while to rebuild your strength. Sometimes staying with family or a friend for a while can be helpful. Try to choose friends that care about your whole family as opposed to ones that help you harbor and feed on negativity.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Wifeof20years (May 19, 2016)

Thanks for such a well thought out response. It really is good to hear from someone who experienced it. When things were bad with you two did you ever think it was over? Were you ever not interested in being intimate with your wife?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Wifeof20years said:


> Thanks for such a well thought out response. It really is good to hear from someone who experienced it. When things were bad with you two did you ever think it was over? Were you ever not interested in being intimate with your wife?


I think at the lowest point, she did not want to ever have more children and insisted I get a vasectomy. Around that time she also had told me she did not think she loved me anymore. At the time I remembered that I chose not to get a vasectomy because I felt the marriage may very well end and if that happened I still wanted to be able to start over in life with someone else. 

During that time I was still attracted to my wife, but I withdrew from her out of a combination of self protection and being angry at her. I was angry at her because I felt like many times she did not care to try and fix things to help reestablish meaningful intimacy. I ended up turning to porn and sleeping in a separate bedroom to cope and escape. I actually felt less alone sleeping by myself. 

Today we are still married and love each other very much. Neither of us are perfect, but we work very well together as a team. Having a marriage that can make it through what I just described above gives me a great deal of strength. We have been in rough places together. At the end of the day we were only having a tough time because life had been tough on us and we only had each other to take out our frustrations, but little by little we learned to work better as a team instead of hurting each other. We still work on those things to this day.

Hope that helps...

Badsanta


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I have been married 24 years, with husband for 27. Has your husband always been emotionally distant, not sharing emotionally, just went along with what you wanted but showed no interest in initiating time together with you....or it this only been in the past 10 years? Has he always been a drinker or just the past 10 years? Would you be able to look back at your self as a younger person with your husband and would you say that you were the one trying to get him to engage or was he definitely engaging with you? Is there anything that happened 10 years ago that made your husband's behavior different or was it something you finally woke up to and noticed?

In my situation my husband was distant even when dating. Had I not been the enthusiastic one and had not pursued him we would not have stayed together....basically I was chasing someone that was engaging mutually in the relationship. When I would ask him if he was interested (ding, a bell should have gone off and it did but I didn't heed it) he always had an excuse and I would buy that excuse but it did bother me that it seemed in every way I was the one trying to get him involved and he wasn't reciprocating. He would buy me cards and write he loved me in the card but he wouldn't tell me to my face. I made excuses for him and just felt he was a person who had been burned so what did I do, lend more compassion and understanding. He was able to be honest about some issues when I lend him my ear but what I heard was a bit unnerving and I started to wonder if he had some deeper seated issues than I thought initially.

My husband cannot get close to a female, he is emotionally unavailable. He views women as objects for sex but beyond that you are to leave him alone and accept that he wants to sit all day long and view busty women on the internet and play games on his cell phone. 

My husband also has a drinking problem, one which I saw before we married. If there was a 12 pack in the fridg he would drink the entire 12 pack when we were first dating but again I excused his behavior thinking that he'd just been partying hard with the guys and it had become a habit and perhaps that was what happened but it was a habit that turned into an addiction. He had problems knowing when to stop. One night he and his cousins were playing a drinking game and husband drank 21 beers. Passed out one Tday when we had a house full of company. I ended up getting my finger broke in an argument when he had been drinking. I have seen this man kick furniture and the animals when he gets mad. He used to pop his sons with towels til they cried and he thought it was funny. We have talked about the drinking many times but he knows in himself that he does not have a problem. he did finally agree to a contract which limited his drinking and that did last a year and then he went on a binge in furry and never went back on the contract and I did not uphold it as I was pretty much done at that point.

You said marriage counseling had not done much good? Why had it not done much good?

One thing I realized in myself is that as much as I thought I wanted our marriage to succeed, that I too had emotionally checked out. His interests in other women, porn, always spending time by himself and not engaging with me and the kids, not doing much work around the house to help out, not getting the support I needed from him when dealing with challenging family issues, his drinking and his PA behavior all were very hurtful to me and I little by little was disengaging from him. I realized this about 3 years ago when we met with our last marriage counselor. We talked about the problems but I didn't feel we spend enough time actually getting the real help that husband needed for his part and because I could not see real effort on his part except to buy me a card and flowers like the counselor had indicated I had a hard time doing the physical part as our counselor suggested which was to please my husband's need. I was real uncomfortable with it and then I realized that I could not be close to him as there was such a wall of hurt from all the situations we had been thru and had talked about but had never changed. The trust was gone, the love was gone and all I was holding on to was trying to keep my family together for the sake of the children. 

I felt if we could be friends and keep the marriage together for the sake of the kids we would be okay and I would focus on me but then I saw his searches on the internet one day, he had forgot to clear the history. For me that was the final straw, I contacted a counselor and an attorney. 

Does any of this sound familiar? I realize it is my story but perhaps my sharing will help you to see what has happened in your own marriage?


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## Wifeof20years (May 19, 2016)

He has been drinking a good amount since we met but seems to be more lately. He has never gotten violent with me. I don't think he's into porn but not sure I guess. I just can't understand how he can have no interest in sex with his wife. He says its normal but is it really? The counselor is helping me get things off my chest but I don't think he's opening up. I just am confused whether or not it's time to call it quits. How do you know if he has low T?


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## Rasputin (Jul 26, 2015)

Another male here...sorry, I just empathize with your post and hope I can help. I would say complete lack of interest in sex in not normal at all. It does happen to some men, though. Does he have performance issues during sex? I.e., staying hard, premature ejactualarion, etc? If he has, did you get upset? He may have developed a complex from that and has associated embarassment with sex. Some men have very fragile egos and they most certainly won't admit to feeling small. 

In terms of testosterone, there are medications one can take to increase it. Testosterone is big when it comes to a man's vitality, body tone, and sex drive. It's my understanding that a male loses a couple percent per year in his 30's. I don't have a low T issue, but I have noticed workouts put my T into overdrive. Specifically squats/legs day which makes me want to tear her clothes off and throw her on the bed. Along with the increase in T, I feel really good about how I look and just have an overall sense of well being. It's possible for men to have body issues. Do you think he might? I'm not a huge fan of Crossfit as it can get a bit cult-ish. However, I have seen it transform many lives. It's a huge support network really. Maybe you could go and try to get him to join you? Could be a win-win for everyone. 

Lastly, clinical depression. I pray this is not his problem but it would explain all of the symptoms and has nothing to do with you. Nothing you can do will fix it. Anti-depressants, of course, will help, but nearly all lower sex drives. Some may not work so don't give up after the first one. If this is the case and none of the above helps, all I can say is I'm very sorry.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
there are many men and women who just naturally have very little interest in sex. There are many discussions here on that because it puts a terrible strain on a relationship. (and I know from personal experience).

Has your husband always had a low interest in sex and physical affection or did this change over time. If he has always been like this, it is very difficult to change and you need to decide if you are willing to keep living this way. If he used to be much more interested, there is a better chance of finding a way to improve things.

Many men stay very attracted to their wives as long as they live.

Is it possible that he is depressed? Does he drink with you and friends for fun, or is it unhappy depressed drinking? 

What else is going on in your lives. Jobs, family, etc. Is he under a lot of pressure.


Being married to someone who does not provide physical affection is really difficult - it can make the whole rest of your marriage seem empty. 






Wifeof20years said:


> He has been drinking a good amount since we met but seems to be more lately. He has never gotten violent with me. I don't think he's into porn but not sure I guess. I just can't understand how he can have no interest in sex with his wife. He says its normal but is it really? The counselor is helping me get things off my chest but I don't think he's opening up. I just am confused whether or not it's time to call it quits. How do you know if he has low T?


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## Wifeof20years (May 19, 2016)

So he used to be very affectionate maybe 8 years ago. Slowly over the years it has all but stopped. His drinking is done by himself usually at night starts after work. Maybe 6-8 beers a night. Never had an issue with performance. he is about 60-70 pounds over weight and says he hates how he looks. He has spent days planning exercise weight loss plans but never actually starts them. The no affection thing makes me feel lonely and makes me feel bad about myself that he has no interest I work out and keep myself it great shape. BTW has a phobia of doctors. Won't go 

Husband knows how I feel but just not a priority for him.


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## Wifeof20years (May 19, 2016)

Also his job is not stable. Always downsizing. Fear of layoffs always. He's been there 20 years.


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## Rasputin (Jul 26, 2015)

I'm truly sorry. I'm sure you get a lot of attention from others but the one you love and have committed your life to gives you none. It's a frustration that breeds a lot of anger and resentment. 

If anything, he's an alcoholic. 6-8 each night is not normal for anyone. His reason for drinking may be the underlying anxiety and stresses from work. I think this is where you need to start. Unfortunately, he has to realize this or he won't change it. If he changes his habits and struggles, he will most likely blame you for his struggles. He needs to want this for himself and that may require you to do something drastic, like take the kids and leave. Again, crossfit may be an indirect solution. Having someone(other than his "nagging" wife) push and encourage him may set the course for a lifestyle change. That change will require him to stop drinking. And no, I doubt you're a nag but he may feel that way. People get hypersensitive when they know they're hurting someone else but don't have the willpower to change. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

@ Wifeof20years 

I understand your pain. My H is also physically & emotionally unavailable. It gradually got worse as time went by. However, in my circumstance, I believe that it is the alcoholism that's controlling everything. Have you ever just flat out asked him if he wants to remain in the marriage? Don't avoid asking that question because you may be afraid of the answer. If he's not making changes and trying to work on the issues, then there really isn't anything that you can do. You can't fix him, change him, or control him. You can't make him happy; that comes from within a person. I'm sorry that I don't really have advice for you, however please know that there are a lot of people that are in your situation and completely understand your frustration and hurt.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

What were to happen if you asked your husband to agree to limit his drinking, an actual written contract? Would he do it? Is there any way you could encourage him to go to the gym or meet with a dietitian to help him lose weight? Sometimes people get stuck and when they get stuck they can sit there for a long long time. Alcohol is a depressant and adds to the disconnection. It sounds like your husband is not happy with life and is avoiding all issues to helping himself. If he makes the choice to live as he is there is nothing you can do about it. What you do have a choice of is how you respond and what path you choose. Don't let his decisions influence what you want from your life. If he is stuck and doesn't want help, find your own life, your own pleasures.

My husband too, like I mentioned previously drinks and has the entire marriage. He cycles, meaning binges....sometimes he might have nothing to drink for a night and then maybe 2-3 glasses of wine and then he will binge on 1 1/2 bottles of wine and might do that for a week. My husband is not happy, he too is over weight. He spends his time tuning out the world, avoiding interaction with me especially. I think he blames me for no desire for him and he is now justified in that as I am not attracted to him anymore but I also spent our entire marriage chasing after him. Other women interest my husband and rather than taking that personally I have learned that he cannot be close emotionally. He likes sex but emotionally closeness is not comfortable for him.


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## Wifeof20years (May 19, 2016)

Ok sorry password issue just got fixed. I have talked to him a lot of the years about drinking. He says he likes the way beer tastes and he does not have a drinking problem. Our last counseling session went horrible and he has since told me he will never have those kind of feelings for me again. So I am in the process of lawyers shopping. Kids are very upset, too young to understand. I do think he is a alcoholic and needs meds for depression, but he wont listen. I think after many years of being turned down it takes a toll. The pain runs deep that your H doesn't find you attractive enough to be interested in intimacy. He says in words when asked that he is still attracted to me but actions speak louder than words in this case.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Wifeof20years said:


> Ok sorry password issue just got fixed. I have talked to him a lot of the years about drinking. He says he likes the way beer tastes and he does not have a drinking problem. Our last counseling session went horrible and he has since told me he will never have those kind of feelings for me again. So I am in the process of lawyers shopping. Kids are very upset, too young to understand. I do think he is a alcoholic and needs meds for depression, but he wont listen. I think after many years of being turned down it takes a toll. The pain runs deep that your H doesn't find you attractive enough to be interested in intimacy. He says in words when asked that he is still attracted to me but actions speak louder than words in this case.


Alcoholics will always tell you that they don't have a problem (until they hit rock bottom). My H is an alcoholic and he will blame anything and everything EXCEPT for the alcohol. And you're right, actions do speak louder than words. It probably has nothing to do with attraction though, so you need to get that out of your head. I have started attending Al-Anon meetings so you may find support that you need there. I know I have.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you know more about what's going on in his head? Like what he'd be thinking about his life, job security, missed opportunities...? SOMEthing is telling him beer/denial is better than anything else. Is there something about you that has made him give up on you?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Get thee to Al-anon! Make a commitment to attend 3 Al-anon meetings every week for one month. 

You must detach, let go, and be strong. Al-anon will help you.

It doesn't matter what else is going on, depression, work stress.. It. Doesn't. Matter. What matters is that YOU get healthy.


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## Wifeof20years (May 19, 2016)

Job being unstable is a factor. But I am a non stop busy bee. He is a couch sitter. I have gotten on him over the years. Every year it gets worse. Wasn't like that first 10 years. Money is tight also. He also quit chewing about 15 months ago after 25 years of hiding it from me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wifeof20years (May 19, 2016)

I recently found some alnon meetings in my area. I will try that thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wifeof20years (May 19, 2016)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well from your posts it sounds like stress from fear of losing his job, as well as other things has led to his drinking and that has made him gain weight and it is kind of a vicious cycle. I don't think you can make him want to fix it. Maybe have the come to jesus moment. But there is no guarantee the will change because of that.


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