# Should I be worried??



## shield (Jan 7, 2011)

Recently I just happened to walk by when my wife of 15 years was on the computer, I saw an email address with the name of her ex-boyfriend from like 20 years ago.

I decided to login and got access to her email and found that she had been communicating with him regarding a chance meeting from a couple of weeks prior. Apparently they bumped into each other at a store and she was in a hurry to get somewhere and could not talk, so they were communicating via email behind my back as to a time and place to have coffee and catch up.

So far not a big deal. until you factor in the fact that she had no way of gettinig hold of him after that chance meeting, so she writes him a letter he writes back and she writes him pouring her heart out to him! He appologized in his letter for all that he done to her and she responded that it was what she had been wating to hear for all these years etc.


She went on to state things like "I was crazy about you" "I felt euporia being around you", "we are both married now and how cruel fate is to bring us face to face together again" "Writing you this letter tears are streaming down my face" "I have cried and no one has even noticed" She states that she left him for his drinking that "her heart was telling her stay but that her mind says there is no future here" 

We have two kids and he has two kids with his wife. I confronted her about why she was doing this behind my back, and her response was I was planning on telling you but new how you would react.

Under normal circumstances if she had been up front, and those troubling letters had not been written I would have been ok with it. But the letters seem to implicate that they both have strong feelings for one another still. Although the other guy seems to say "I know we are both married and I respect that"

Should I be worried here? What should I do?


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I would be worried about this leading to an EA. These are the kinds of e-mails I found on my husbands account after he returned from his deployment that revealed his EA.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Yes. The reason she chose to hide it is because she knew it was wrong. She knew how you'd react because if you did the same thing to her she'd be upset. She's trying to place the blame of her omission on you, which is more shady behavior. 

Let her know that you're uncomfortable with them talking because they seem to still have feelings for each other. Hopefully this will lead to her voluntarily cutting ties with him.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

I agree with WhereamI. You need to tell her exactly what they said to cut all contact with this person period. It is very obvious she still has feelings for him, and if you allow them to continue communicating, this will develop into a meeting for coffe or lunch, then later drinks, then a strong EA develops between them, then they finally cave in and it becomes a PA. This will definitely turn into an affair if you let it continue. I would then continue to monitor her silently to make sure she is not contacting him for at least a month just to be sure. Just because she says she is going to stop talking to him doesn't mean she actually will, she may just go underground with it. Nip it in the bud now, while you can.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So ...

You can deal with the behavior, which you should. But more importantly, you should deal with what is behind the behavior.

If she's fantasizing about her alcoholic ex-boyfriend, odds are something is out of whack in your relationship.

She's blameshifting by making her dishonesty and obfuscation about you instead of accepting what she did was flat out betrayal.

Ask her ... "So tell me what you would think, and what you would do were the circumstances reversed."

I strongly suggest you take a personal inventory of where your marriage stands, and what your part is in making her feel emotionally fulfilled, or emotionally abandoned. Seriously, her bumping into this guy and pursuing an emotional affair, and make no mistake - that's exactly what it is, is a symptom of something NOT happening between you and she.

If possible, I strongly suggest that you make the ex's spouse aware of what's gone on. The sooner you break up the 'happy little reunion' the better, for everybody. Don't expect that she will be 'happy' if you do this. If she rails, state plainly, "I'm working to protect my marriage, I hope you make the same choice."

Telling her how hurt you feel is valid - but it isn't an action plan. Nothing changes if that is what the action is limited to.


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## shield (Jan 7, 2011)

Well apparently he has cleaned up is act, no longer drinks and has matured a great deal! And our marriage is probably not the best in recent years, maybe I am partly to blame!

Another disturbing fact that I had just started a new job with long hours during the day, and my wife is a home maker but has a free schedual after dropping the kids off at school, He works nights and has the days off. So now it seems that I dodged a bullet. After my confronting her with it, she told me "if you do not want me to go see him I won't" (for coffee) but I told her to just go otherwise she would just hold it against me. But then I found and read the letters, she had kept copies, and I felt betrayal. They have had no further contact since the meeting about a month ago. But I believe that is beacuse of fear on her part, she is a nervous type and knows I am very good at finding things out. The trouble is I cannot ignore the truth if she was going to cheat on me than I really do not want to stay with this person. The way I see it is she has already cheated with her heart. 

In my mind I feel exactly what was said earlier, that she is just settling for me, and had I not found out what was happening something would have happened??






Deejo said:


> So ...
> 
> You can deal with the behavior, which you should. But more importantly, you should deal with what is behind the behavior.
> 
> ...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Deejo said:


> So ...
> 
> You can deal with the behavior, which you should. But more importantly, you should deal with what is behind the behavior.
> 
> ...


I would emphasize.

Being hurt is important - and it's important to communicate it.

But, in and of itself, it seems weak.

There has to be some action associated with it.


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## shield (Jan 7, 2011)

I am hurt big time! 

No, she is not acting on anything at this time, she seems to have been stopped in her tracks, but he has already emailed her a couple of times, I caught the emails and deleted them! but that is not right, I should not have to be doing that...I feel like I am buying time only by doing this.




marriageman said:


> It's possible that she could start cheating, no doubt. To me it sounds like reading that would hurt a lot. It sounded like she was saying she wanted to be with him but is stuck with you.
> 
> So is she acting on it now? Or going to? I think it's very important that you determine an answer for yourself so that you can have some peace of mind and so your relationship has more potential of surviving.
> 
> ...


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Cleaned up his act and matured. Now he's looking better to her, the BF she always wanted, but he wasn't-until now.
Look for signs that she went underground, like a secret phone, hanging out with friends more...


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## mike in new england (Jan 3, 2011)

Shield,
There is a problem between you and your wife. Ask yourself what it is? If you still do not know then ask her. If she will not tell you, then ask why she is turning to another man. I was/am in a somewhat similar situation. I actualy went and met with the other man and let him know my feelings about what was going on, and how I felt about my wife. I did not go to him in jealousy, if they were going to be together there was nothing I could do to stop that. I went to see if there was a future, or if this man was just being a vulture. When we met I had written questions, things I felt my wife would never answer for me. He had such a remorse for over stepping the lines in my marriage, and his. Not to mention the fact that if I knew and fear of what I could do to his life. I even told him I was not going to make trouble for him, I forgave him for being weak. He ended the EA the next day. From what they both told me they were in the process of ending it anyway, but I put it to the finish. My wife is angry with me for taking this away, I would do it OVER again. I will not do it again, next time she will get served papers at work!

In regards to you situation.
They have a past relationship, maybe it is to just catch up. If your wife wants to see him, make it a couples meeting. Meet his wife, maybe that would end how your wife feels if you all met. There is history between them, and maybe when she saw him it stirred up some old emotions. 

I have been reading AtholK's blog - Married Man Sex Life

And I do believe that we forget what it was that made them love us. I had to stop being the beta, and start being more Alpha. His blog is good, not great. Take what you need from any/all advice. Only you know what is best for you.


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## shield (Jan 7, 2011)

Thanks for the advice, this has crossed my mind a couple of times, to meet the guy and try to see what his intensions are!

Although the real root of the problem is my wife, and my relationship with her. As mentioned there must be some disfunction that I need to address. I am working on it.




mike in new england said:


> Shield,
> There is a problem between you and your wife. Ask yourself what it is? If you still do not know then ask her. If she will not tell you, then ask why she is turning to another man. I was/am in a somewhat similar situation. I actualy went and met with the other man and let him know my feelings about what was going on, and how I felt about my wife. I did not go to him in jealousy, if they were going to be together there was nothing I could do to stop that. I went to see if there was a future, or if this man was just being a vulture. When we met I had written questions, things I felt my wife would never answer for me. He had such a remorse for over stepping the lines in my marriage, and his. Not to mention the fact that if I knew and fear of what I could do to his life. I even told him I was not going to make trouble for him, I forgave him for being weak. He ended the EA the next day. From what they both told me they were in the process of ending it anyway, but I put it to the finish. My wife is angry with me for taking this away, I would do it OVER again. I will not do it again, next time she will get served papers at work!
> 
> In regards to you situation.
> ...


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Dude - his intentions are to shag your wife and steal her for his own. 

I've seen too much of this stuff to not believe it's something bad. I just found out 2 weeks ago some dear friends are going through something very similar. She hooks up with old HS friend and is now telling her husband she wants out for this other married jack-hole with 2 kids. My friend busted it and told the other guy and his wife. The other guys wife did not even know about it!! 


Your wife is apparently believing his line of crap as well. I would see about doing a background check. For all you know he could be an axe murderer preying on your wife. 

Go to Affaircare.com or Marriagebuilders.com - both sites are excellent in improving your relationship to your wife. 

Take a look and see what her emotional needs are and do your darnedest to meet them. You might even look into the 180 at some point but try meeting her needs first.

By all means keep monitoring email. If she has a cell phone and it's on your family account check all the phone and text traffic. Call every unidentifiable number. The email traffic may have shifted to text and phone.


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

im sorry your hurting.i would talk to your wife and tell her what you wrote here.tell her you feel she settled for you and that you think she still has feelings for this guy.
ask her were does she want to go from here.
ask her does she want to talk and see him.
if she does not,ask her if you emailing him to tell him that you would appreciate that he and your wife stop all communication would bother her.ask him does his wife know about the emails they wrote,i bet that will shake him up.
i really hope your wife loves you and wants your marriage were it would not bother her one bit to never see or talk to him again.
and take the advice and find out what you and your wife are missing and the needs you both have.
i wish you the best


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## shield (Jan 7, 2011)

I agree with you, the dude for sure wants to revisit history! (they dated 2 years, almost 20 years ago) But I really don't care what he wants. Its what she wants that counts! so far they shut down communications and nothing for 2 months I have been monitoring everything! But I am living on edge always checking, always needing to know her location, this is no way to live!!! 18 years I never questioned anything, and now this! I wish when I found out I kept quite to see what happened, but if something did it would be worse! either way I am screwed.




Powerbane said:


> Dude - his intentions are to shag your wife and steal her for his own.
> 
> I've seen too much of this stuff to not believe it's something bad. I just found out 2 weeks ago some dear friends are going through something very similar. She hooks up with old HS friend and is now telling her husband she wants out for this other married jack-hole with 2 kids. My friend busted it and told the other guy and his wife. The other guys wife did not even know about it!!
> 
> ...


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