# Husband masturbating with men online



## Song (Jul 11, 2011)

Okay, what does this mean? My husband has been into porn for almost a decade ~ that he admits to ~ and chatting for a couple of years. His porn use accelerated from a couple of hours a week and then he got into chat rooms and then caming.

I never knew.

I discovered his "whole secret life on the Internet" (his words) by accident one morning when I had to use his computer. I trusted him completely. I was never jealous or suspicious. 

Why would I be? He's always claimed only love and devotion towards me.

What a lie. 

Anyway, after a lot of questioning, he's finally admitted to me that he masturbated with seven to ten men online, had private cam sessions with them, because he couldn't find a woman in ChatForFree or anywhere else. He was signed up on BabbleSex and NewbieNudes ~ he posted a naked pic of himself there.

Should I believe him that he's not bi or gay or that he couldn't find a single woman to chat with online in his two years of chatting ~ despite his being on find a sex partner sites? 

This sounds completely ludicrous ~ he's funny, charming and a writer. He couldn't find one single person ~ except a teenage girl to chat with ~ the one I discovered when I discovered his secret email account. This is the only female he says he chatted and camed with in two years.

He spent hours daily at chatting ~ totally and completely undisturbed in our back office. He was off of work for five years and instead of looking for a job or building his supposed business, he spent the hours chatting. I thought he was building his business and writing a business book ~ among other things.

I encouraged him totally in every endeavor he had ~ I built him up and now I discover that during this time, he was tearing our marriage apart. 

I bought his whole excuse of being under stress from that, plus our dwindling finances, so I didn't pressure him for sex. I loved him, looked up to him, believed in him. Blindly. We never argued ~ and I never ever refused him for sex. In fact, I was asking him for sex ~ maybe at times, even begging. But I never gave him an ultimatum. 

Maybe I should have put my foot down and said, "Hey, we have to have sex more than once every few months." 

I believe now that I settled for too little.

I'm not a gargoyle. I'm almost six feet tall, athletic and blonde.

I'm hurt and reeling from his lies and don't know if he could be gay or bi.

He claims to have no attraction whatsoever to men.

And yet... this.

I just don't want to remain married without knowing the truth. He has lied about so many things. 

Men? 

Anyone?

Please help. Any ideas on what to do? 

We have been to counseling and it doesn't seem like it's helping. How can it, if one partner lies?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think he may be into men.


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## Song (Jul 11, 2011)

Jellybeans ~

How would I really know for sure?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Speaking from personal experience....

For a decent period when I was single, I was in a pretty low emotional funk. During that time, feeling anti-social, but still in need of release, I ventured into adult message boards, and ultimately, a chat room or two. A different social dynamic exists there, one that some would find...disturbing, for want of a better word. For one thing, it's far more prevalent to find men online in such cases than women. And, most of the women...are men pretending to be women. The standard joke is that, unless someone can be verified as a woman somehow, assume it's a man. And, if you're fine with that "theater of the mind," and playing along...more power to you.

Although you will find those who are adamant about chatting and/or camming with a particular gender and/or orientation, there's a certain mentality of "beggars can't be choosers," with most participants getting a charge out of the exhibitionist and voyeuristic aspects of what they're doing more than who they're doing it with. There's also a sort of barter system in place...trading pictures, etc. As a result, many who trade porn pictures will keep pictures or links saved of content that may not turn them on, but makes for good trading fodder. This includes self-pics. With all that in mind, I wouldn't NECESSARILY be concerned about his own orientation (although he may indeed have some bi tendencies or curiosity).

The big issue here is how it's impacting the relationship. These activities do constitute a betrayal of trust. As such, I'd say counseling is definitely in order. Since you've tried that, though, and it doesn't seem to have helped, it may just be time to decide not only where you stand on this issue, but in regards to the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How is your sex life?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I don't think any of it looks good. Even if he isn't gay it would be bothersome that he "attempted" to find women to play with while married to you.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Song said:


> Okay, what does this mean? My husband has been into porn for almost a decade ~ that he admits to ~ and chatting for a couple of years. His porn use accelerated from a couple of hours a week and then he got into chat rooms and then caming.
> 
> I never knew.
> 
> ...


ewww

i think he really needs to talk to somebody on a professional level. and i would consider this cheating and thats my deal breaker first time on now a days.

"Grayson 
Re: Husband masturbating with men online
Speaking from personal experience....

For a decent period when I was single, I was in a pretty low emotional funk. During that time, feeling anti-social, but still in need of release, I ventured into adult message boards, and ultimately, a chat room or two. A different social dynamic exists there, one that some would find...disturbing, for want of a better word. For one thing, it's far more prevalent to find men online in such cases than women. And, most of the women...are men pretending to be women. The standard joke is that, unless someone can be verified as a woman somehow, assume it's a man. And, if you're fine with that "theater of the mind," and playing along...more power to you.

Although you will find those who are adamant about chatting and/or camming with a particular gender and/or orientation, there's a certain mentality of "beggars can't be choosers," with most participants getting a charge out of the exhibitionist and voyeuristic aspects of what they're doing more than who they're doing it with. There's also a sort of barter system in place...trading pictures, etc. As a result, many who trade porn pictures will keep pictures or links saved of content that may not turn them on, but makes for good trading fodder. This includes self-pics. With all that in mind, I wouldn't NECESSARILY be concerned about his own orientation (although he may indeed have some bi tendencies or curiosity)."

eww a again.

"Grayson 
Re: Husband masturbating with men online


The big issue here is how it's impacting the relationship. These activities do constitute a betrayal of trust. As such, I'd say counseling is definitely in order. Since you've tried that, though, and it doesn't seem to have helped, it may just be time to decide not only where you stand on this issue, but in regards to the relationship."

agree


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## Song (Jul 11, 2011)

Jelly ~ well, it improved dramatically after Dday ~ and I was thrilled. 

This may be why I'm feeling so conflicted.

Grayson ~ thanks for sharing your insights with me ~ after I discovered his "secret life" I went into the adult chat rooms myself to see what the allure was ~ often it was with my husband as well as when I was alone. 

I didn't quite get into the "disturbing" side of it all ~ but I saw enough to be shocked. And saddened with the knowledge that my husband was one of those sad and lonely men ~ when he didn't need to be.

That being said, what my issue now is lying. I feel like he must have had other chats and cam sessions ~ just the odds makes me think this had to have happened. I think maybe he believes that he's trying to protect me by not telling me. 

I don't know.

I was hoping for someone who might have done this or experienced the same thing with their husband to share their thoughts. 

Thanks for your help, Grayson. I really want to understand why and how this happened. And you're giving me something to consider: the kind of mentality that exists there in a chat room.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your H is a closeted gay man.


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## Song (Jul 11, 2011)

Michzz ~ did you read my previous post about our sex life? 

I'm just confused. Could he be bi-curious?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Somewhere I read about a guy who took to masturbation with men, not physically with them like this because it felt less like cheating. Only that guy didn't have a willing wife.

Your guy is hiding the truth from you. Like with porn, this online **** is a slippery slope. Who knows when it would go from online to Craigslist and real life.

Look, he wasted your time by playing jerkoff online when he should have been behaving like a man rather than playing with men. He is far from responsible. Far from good mate material. And a good liar to boot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Song (Jul 11, 2011)

ClipClop ~ I know, this is why I'm debating whether or not the relationship/marriage is worth saving at this point. He wasted seven years of what should have been a great sexual life. 

He tells me that he's stopped everything. Completely. 

Looking back there were certainly enough red flags ~ I mean the lack of sex was a huge red flag, but I chose to believe that he was being honest with me about feeling stressed and tired. Tired because he was up half the night ~ supposedly unable to sleep and praying. Though now, I believe he was online. 

This just sucks.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Why did he choose that life over that of a loving husband? Wow. He quit now. And if you hadn't found out what would have happened?

Your h has big giant major issues. He needs therapy and possibly a psychiatrist. I don't think MC makes any sense because he is the mess, not you.

I guess I don't know what there is to save. Was there anything genuine during those seven years?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Song said:


> He tells me that he's stopped everything. Completely.


read on this site how many times this is said.

7 years of this and it gradually getting worse and he just quit cold turkey?


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## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

As a person who socialized with lots of gay men and went to lots of gay nightclubs.... most gay men would agree that your husband is at least bi-curious.... whether he would act on this curiosity in real life or not, is left to be seen, but the mere fact that he plays online with others (men or women) but doesn't want to satisfy you is a big red flag. All I can say is something is cooking and marriage may be on shaky grounds. Best of luck to you.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Bi-Curious my ass. 50-100 masturbation sessions with men vs. 1 or two bouts of real sex w/ a 6 foot blonde?

He's gay. Sorry. He's not the first gay man to marry a woman and pull it off for a while before getting caught


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

YOU may never know for sure, but I sure as hell do.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Sorry to sound crass but...there's no question he's gay. Sex life picking up after he stopped = over compensating.

Sex chat with a dude pretending to be female is one thing. Cam-ing with them and seeing their junk is another entirely.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

sinnister said:


> Sorry to sound crass but...there's no question he's gay. Sex life picking up after he stopped = over compensating.
> 
> Sex chat with a dude pretending to be female is one thing. Cam-ing with them and seeing their junk is another entirely.


I would respectfully disagree with the notion that there is "no question." He may indeed be gay. He may be bi. He may be straight and an exhibitionist. He may be straight and a voyeur. Or some combination of several. In my time perusing adult boards and chat, I saw quite a lot of variation there. Some men seemed to enjoy having someone...ANYone watch them on cam...they enjoyed the exhibitionism. Some just liked seeing someone "enjoying themselves," and if they waited for a woman interested in showing on cam, they'd usuallly be in for a loooooong wait. It was an entirely different kind of world and mindset. To play armchair psychologist, I'd say that the lack of someone actually being physically present put them in the same mental state as fantasizing. What they were doing may not be something they'd ever have any interest in doing "for real," but if it's just words and pictures on the computer screen, it's all theater of the mind.

And, yeah...of course some are also acting out deeply hidden interests and desires that they'd gladly act upon in person, but are too scared/shy/etc to do so. And some may just be putting on a good act.

So, I wouldn't automatically brand anyone who takes part in same-sex online activity as "gay." They could equally be bi, or straight and working within the confines of the online masturbation "community" to get whatever charge they're looking for in order to get off. (Personally, I don't think just those three terms accurately reflect the spectrum of everyone's preferences. The Kinsey scale is a bit more accurate, but not as convenient as the three labels. Out of true preference or adaptation to the community, I'd say that most who participate in online masturbation are at least a 1 on the Kinsey scale, which is classified as "predominantly heterosexual and only incidentally homosexual.")

It's when this fantasy life impacts real life - as has happened here - that problems begin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

As a follow-up, there's also a significant portion of the crowd we're talking about that will only take part in webcam sessions if it's mutual. So, the exhibitionist, having found a willing viewer, will reciprocate and accept the other person's webcam feed. Sometimes they'll keep it visible and watch it, sometimes they'll minimize the cam window, and not watch; they're all about showing off what they're doing, and couldn't care less whether or not the guy on the other end is showing his or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I'd prolly be better off not having read any of this. 

ack.

::::shiver::::


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

For me the fact he's been wasting time and not finding work is also a huge deal breaker. Come on, how can he do this to you and not feel bad about it? Can't even imagine the sex chat, I would be appalled if my guy did this. In my case this would be a huge deal breaker, but now you have to see if it's worth it or not anymore.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I'd prolly be better off not having read any of this.
> 
> ack.
> 
> ::::shiver::::


Yeah. Who knew that was a 'thing'?


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## purrhotstuff (Apr 21, 2011)

I'm bisexual. Well, "was" when I was younger. LOL. Maybe I'm still open to it, but I haven't had any sexual urges towards women in nearly a decade.

I would say that he's bi-curious. I think the line of sexuality gets even more blurred when the offender suggests that he's just hooking up with anyone because the addiction is so bad, he wants anyone. I've seen a male friend who is a sexual addict have sex with everyone he could, including many prostitutes, but never, ever a man.

So, imho, he's at least bi-curious and if he's actually done the deed, which you may have no idea if he actually has if you're no around them all the time, he's obviously bisexual.

I'm separated right now but my husband and I were at Disneyland nearly a year ago and he was in a lobby downstairs, picking up a sandwich for lunch, when there was a gentleman sitting at the bar staring at him. The other guy said "you look so familiar", yada yada, yada and struck up a conversation as my husband waited to get the food. He asked my husband if he could buy him a beer but my husband said "no thanks" but still kept chatting. The guy went on and on about the luxury room he had at the Grand Californian where we were all at. My husband informed the guy that we just had a regular suite. The other guy then said his wife was out with the kids and her family, he was just taking a break, yada yada yada, "you should see the view from the room, maybe you can book it next time." My husband got the food and the guy got up to leave at the same time and told him c'mon check it out with me, my husband isn't very good at saying NO (he's horrible with sales people) and said okay. He called me on my cell quickly, told me the deal and the name and room number of the guy and said he'd be back. I said okay. 

They got up to the room, the guy started to show my husband around, they were only up there for like 2 or 3 minutes before my husband bid him thanks and started to leave. The guy grabbed him by the hand and said "I thought we were gonna spend some time together." My husband said he just stood there, puzzled. The guy ends up saying that he wants to watch porn with my husband and jack off with him a little bit. My husband says "I'm sorry but I'm married, I'm not gay" and the guy says "I'm not gay either, I'm married too, and it's not gay to just jack off", my husband turns to leave, the guy continues to beg him to stay, he'll even "suck him off" while he lets my husband watch straight porn.

My husband booked it out of there and ran into our hotel room. He had no problem saying NO that time, lol.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Grayson,
Sounds like you really were in tune to your feeling and actions, as well as of others. A lot of perspective on your part. What personal growth !

~sammy


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> . A different social dynamic exists there, one that some would find...disturbing, for want of a better word. For one thing, it's far more prevalent to find men online in such cases than women. And, most of the women...are men pretending to be women. The standard joke is that, unless someone can be verified as a woman somehow, assume it's a man. And, if you're fine with that "theater of the mind," and playing along...more power to you.
> 
> agree


Always assume that women met online are:
54 years old male wearing their stained underwear sitting in the basement of their moms house. They have lived their all thier life and only venture out to buy Cigarettes, Instant noodles and cheap beer.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OH GROSS !!!!!

~sammy


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## Song (Jul 11, 2011)

Grayson ~ once again, thanks for the insight ~ you have me contemplating the different possibilities now as opposed to just going down the bisexual path. 

I have to wonder what's going on in our culture, our society and with people now that so many are deciding to have online sex instead of with a willing partner. It's a sad turn of events for all involved. 

Purrhotstuff also brings up an interesting point in addition to yours about the addiction aspects ~ that people online become willing to do it with just about anyone in order to quench their desire. Maybe a lot of the appeal also has to do with the thrill of not getting caught. I don't know. All I know is, my feelings are trashed because my husband basically turned from me sexually and was dishonest about what he wanted and needed.

And there I was, devoted and waiting for him because he's telling me every day how much he loves me.

I was an idiot. I no longer trust him blindly. In fact, I no longer trust him period.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

That being said, what my issue now is lying. I feel like he must have had other chats and cam sessions ~ just the odds makes me think this had to have happened. I think maybe he believes that he's trying to protect me by not telling me. 

I don't know.

I was hoping for someone who might have done this or experienced the same thing with their husband to share their thoughts. 
-----------------------------

Yes, my husband did this, except, I will never know if it was men, women, groups or broadcasting he was doing because he destroyed the hard drive when I found out!

He says its all over, but really? They are LYING. Why? They are full of shame, which is sad because it is both of your lives, isn't it? 

All I can say is they are afraid, I guess. 

Because they KNOW they are wrong.

Take care of yourself and follow your values.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Song said:


> Michzz ~ did you read my previous post about our sex life?
> 
> I'm just confused. Could he be bi-curious?


Ummmm.....okay....wow.....

I really don't know how to respond to this thread, because I've never came across anything like this...but

Aren't those questions you should be asking him?


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Your husband is married to a six foot blonde and he is masterbating with men online. Do I really need to explain this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Hi Song,

I wouldn't listen to anyone who makes absolute statements about this. When it comes to human sexuality there is nothing absolute.

Alfred Kinsey said that 'gay' and 'straight' were two poles and most of us are somewhere in between the two. You are never going to get a definative answer about your husband's sexuality, because there probably isn't one. 

I would focus on the deception and the lack of attention rather than labels.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

I went through that phase as well. When my sex life died down, I got heavily into porn and started to cam with others (including men) as well. I would say definently that your husband is bi-curious (or bisexual) but full blown gay? I dont think so.

I know this has been asked but how is your sex life? Generally if your sex life dies down then guys generally get more into porn to get themselves off and it goes downhill from there. Try spicing up your sex life and being more intimate, I am sure that will help.

Also you are smart to not trust him because trust shouldnt be given, It should be earned and now he has to earn your trust back. Wait a few months and keep an eye on your computer. If he continues watching porn then I wouldnt worry (name a guy who doesnt watch porn) but he starts to cam again then I would confront him about it.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Jellybeans: "I think he may be into men. "



Song said:


> Jellybeans ~
> 
> How would I really know for sure?


Because he's masturbating with them. Straight men don't associate their own sexual pleasure with watching other men masturbate. Simple as that. A man who is horny and masturbating on the other end of a camera is not a substitute for a woman...

More importantly, he's masturbating on cam with strangers (male or female, makes no difference) and not having sex with you. You are being disrepected and not cared for. If you've confronted him on this and he hasn't changed, you have a very big decision to make. But it'll be easier than you think.


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