# My Toughest 6 months of hell... & back & happy now!



## cbnaidu (Jul 1, 2017)

<self deleted>


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So let me understand this:

Your married life was good - some fights but nothing major.

Then she decides she wants a divorce and almost immediately "finds" somebody else to date (yeah right!).

In other words, she was cheating on you and the rewriting of the marriage to justify her lustful immoral actions.

She moves in with her AP and things don't work out.

You are unaware (I take it) that this was cheating and an affair?

She comes back and you take her back with no real consequences and you two work on yourselves.

You move to a new country and build a new life (unaware that she cheated and could have done it again, for all you know).

If you publish your notes to extol your mentors approach to rebuilding yourself that is fine but do not suggest that it will cure cheaters necessarily.

Do you think your wife cheated on you ?


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## cbnaidu (Jul 1, 2017)

<<self delted>>


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

So she'd _already_ been in another man's arms well before dropping the "I want a divorce" line...

But hey, congrats!


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## cbnaidu (Jul 1, 2017)

<<self delted>>


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I think it is great that you managed to work it out (for now).

I would caution you that depending on where you choose to post your "advice" it may not be very well received and may in fact cause more distress than need be to others who are going through similar things that you went through. 

Every situation is unique. In your case Plan A (divorce and shacking up with some other guy) didn't work out. So she went with Plan B (you). But that isn't typically the case. 

The reality is, for most women, once they have made up their mind to move on, they move on. Regardless of what happens with Plan A. There is no Plan B (at least in the long term). In situations like those, no amount of "working on yourself" is going to bring the other person back to you. 

The better story would just be to say what did you do to work on yourself. Leave the "it saved my marriage" stuff out. Being the best version of you should be the goal regardless of the outcome. You are presenting a lot of false hope to many who will only suffer longer because of it. They will do your magic and still end up alone. Then give up altogether and fall into despair.


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## cbnaidu (Jul 1, 2017)

Ynot,

"Working on yourself" is the deal yes.... all others are bonus.. .exactly the lesson. Being optimist, things work out itself...

Isn't it all in the "perspective" though? Which makes you sad or happy or bitter or joyful !? Perspective - the meaning we attach to things ?!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Since YOU can happily live with this.....so can I.

Good luck!


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## cbnaidu (Jul 1, 2017)

Perhaps easy for me to read "bitterness" here, when I don't know the story.
Or.. bitterness is from a very STRONG experience. Which is fine.. and understandable...

And Yes... Not All marriages are worth saving...or meant to be saved... but some are... perhaps, most are. 

Divorce is proven #1 most painful event in ones life... (even more than death of a family member!) 

Again... perspective makes it look like a "strength" or "weakness"! again depends on where life puts us...and what we see from there...

Perhaps that's what is working on "yourself" is... but ultimately "true joy and happiness" matters... too!

"Working on yourself" is working on 50% of the marriage... that does in fact generate the synergy !

They will notice new you.... and yes... YOU were PLAN A to begin with... Remember they married you.. (not the other temp.*)

They married you when they were not in stress*... too... so PLAN A and PLAN B is mixed up here too.

Again If* You Love Her* truely... you will "Work on yourself" for her Sake. Then let the fate decide if she deserves YOU* .. isn't it ?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

cbnaidu said:


> We went against the whole damn world to get married in first place...


What was your challenge?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@Ynot nailed it. You were successful at becoming a whole individual and improving your life. That was the success, not reuniting with your W. 

We have seen the "DB/GAL self-improvement to get your wayward spouse back method" peddled here many times. Plan B doesn't work... it's pitiful to watch.


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## cbnaidu (Jul 1, 2017)

Traditional families with strong values of "not marrying inter religion" !! Big huge block..from both families.... Things are good now.. God's grace!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

cbnaidu said:


> Ynot,
> 
> "Working on yourself" is the deal yes.... all others are bonus.. .exactly the lesson. Being optimist, things work out itself...
> 
> Isn't it all in the "perspective" though? Which makes you sad or happy or bitter or joyful !? Perspective - the meaning we attach to things ?!


Except, that that is not what you seem to saying. Your OP comes across as "do what I did and you will get your wayward spouse back!" And she was wayward, both of you ended up in some one else's arms. In just six short months! Heck six months after my ex left I had a hard time making it through the day without collapsing in tears much less chasing skirt to get a little.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

cbnaidu said:


> Perhaps easy for me to read "bitterness" here, when I don't know the story.
> Or.. bitterness is from a very STRONG experience. Which is fine.. and understandable...
> 
> And Yes... Not All marriages are worth saving...or meant to be saved... but some are... perhaps, most are.
> ...


You have it back wards. If you love your self, you will work to improve your self for your sake. Fate doesn't have anything to do with it. Your partner will either like the new you or they won't. But if you live for them, you will die within.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

cbnaidu said:


> *Perhaps easy for me to read "bitterness" here, when I don't know the story.*
> Or.. bitterness is from a very STRONG experience. Which is fine.. and understandable...


Which one of us is wearing the Bitter Tag hanging out on our T-Shirts?

I have "none". I snip them off, if and when they are present.


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## cbnaidu (Jul 1, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> What was your challenge?


We were from different religions... with strong traditional families dead against it !



Ynot said:


> Except, that that is not what you seem to saying. Your OP comes across as "do what I did and you will get your wayward spouse back!" And she was wayward, both of you ended up in some one else's arms. In just six short months! Heck six months after my ex left I had a hard time making it through the day without collapsing in tears much less chasing skirt to get a little.


" I had a hard time making it through the day without collapsing in tears much less chasing skirt to get a little" <--- Thats exactly how I will Describe myself, the month after she left.

"wayward" <-- its when you are in mess, and when there are potential vultures around... its hard (hard to overestimate how hard) to get over that. Plus... again the meaning that we attach to things. We both weren't exactly jumping with joy.... we both lost 25% of weight in 2 months even while "other"s arms...? 

And why did it not work out for me or for her with the "other"*? .. something must have shifted from the Day she said "D" and the day of knock? What? Was I in proper sense to see as it was ... ? what kept me there? 

Many questions.. yes... deeper stuff.!

I did come across the "DB/etc etc" too... which didn't convince me at all !!!!

so.. this wise man... who had me understand the human misjudgments... fears...insecurities.... of hers and of mine..and explanation of my pain...my behavior and her behavior thro practical means... first got me to fix my perspective of things.... we attach too much meaning to everything that's around us.. and the root of all pain is the meaning itself.... second he got me to see clearly... I am working exactly against the outcome I want by creating so much resistance.... and he got me in the "belief" mode of "its happening for a reason...." find that reason...and grow out of it.. things will happen by itself.. and things will happen which are exactly for your good.

Its hard to walk through those things... "DB and all mushy mushy stuff" isn't what I went through... well... Hope you have healed my friend.... 

No... false hope isn't my cup of tea... and i am not here to tell all if their marriage is worth saving... but there is definite path out of the PAIN... and its very very hard to resist the "happy" - ex !


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Better said. Continue...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

cbnaidu said:


> manfromlamancha,
> 
> .... You have filled in some of the blanks... but not exactly. (with many incorrect assumptions)..
> 
> ...



I do not fully understand the post above so I don't know what to make of it.

However I will guess some stuff and maybe you can correct it:

You are a Hindu (from your username here). So that would make her either Muslim, Christian, Buddhist or Sikh. I am guessing that the two most opposed to each other intermarrying is Hindu and Muslim.

So lets assume she is a Muslim. I can see how that would create a massive divide on both sides.

So my first question is did she leave you and then move in with another Muslim man ? I can see her side of the family, and possibly yours, cheering this on.

Did she break up with him because he dumped her or vice versa (you should be honest here and say if you don't really know)?

How long had she known the OM before moving in with him ?

Did you live in India and now perhaps moved out to say, the Middle East ? Many Indians do this for business and to also get away from interfering family.

You can possibly see my line of thinking here.

You are anonymous here so there is no need to hold back. You may come out of this wiser and stronger if you are honest and open to at least, exploring the truth.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I have learned from this board there are lots of people Men especially who don't care if their wives go off and have an affair. They are content to suffer, just so they can get her back. Hey she got to have her fun so she is happy too. I have also learned to wait until you hit that mid-life crisis that lot of us do. Then you will remember her loyalty or lack there of and you probably will want out. 

Look up river-rat. His first posts were like yours. "I have overcome!" But what they really were were a cry for help because he was really dying inside. Maybe that's you, maybe it isn't. Taking back and unrepentant cheater is never a cause for celebration in my book. But it's your life. It's post like these I wish the BS at least got to have some fun sex with someone different too. Hope you did, at least you would be even.

Good luck.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

So your wife got a six month vacation from her marriage to screw around,see what the options were and then decided life with cbnaidu is not as bad as trying to make it on my own so I will forgive him for my adultry.
And you see this as a positive outcome.
When does she get her next hall pass.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

How often does she see her boyfriend these days?


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