# Eye contact during climax?



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I'm sure everyone has had that weird high school discussion about french kissing someone, and peeking for a moment to find your partners eyes wide open and staring at you. "OMG that is just too weird" most people would say.

I remember watching one of those episodes of Laura Berman and how there was this wife that described that it was impossible to make eye contact with her husband during love making. She said the would be on top with her head turned and eyes closed. In the few moments she would perhaps take a peek at her husband and find him staring at her that it would make her feel excruciatingly awkward and completely ruin the moment. So she just had to keep her eyes closed for there to be any chances of her being able to enjoy sex.

In a recent chapter of "Passionate Marriage" by Schnarch that I was reading, he described that some couples use foreplay as a way to negotiate a way to become completely emotionally disconnected from one another, because these individuals do not feel comfortable feeling connected to one another during sex. Seriously? This led me to reflect on some of my past sexual relationships and perhaps a few problematic intimate moments in my own marriage... and I do have to admit there actually is a tendency to just disconnect and withdraw emotionally from your partner so that you can "just get it over with!" Perhaps this moment includes drifting off for a moment into a hidden fantasy world for which we would be mortified if our partners caught us and were aware of our thoughts (a strong form of emotional disconnection). Obviously if this is what is going on, then maintaining or briefly making eye contact during climax would "ruin the moment" so to speak. 

So I've been married to my wife long enough to know from her in those moments when I need to close my eyes and get it over with, for whatever reason she is extremely sensitive to this and finds it to be emotionally painful for her. The process of learning to slow down and stay connected with her during intimacy to avoid any performance anxiety of being able to climax was NOT something that was an easy process. It is something that I still find myself working on occasionally to this day.

So I was reading other threads and perhaps noticing a pattern of behavior of some couples that accuse their partners of being selfish or lazy, and I do not think that is what is going on. I think instead these couples may be unaware that a partner may need to emotionally disconnect in order to reach climax. They know something is wrong, and that one of the two experiences various forms of performance anxiety when things slow down and become more intimate because it is hard to experience emotionally disconnected pleasure and then continue when your partner wants you to be closer to them. 

So if eye contact during climax is something that feels "weird" or "awkward" and ruins the moment, that may be a tell-tale sign that one or both partners needs to be able to emotionally isolate themselves in order to feel comfortable enough to climax. I thought a discussion on this topic may help shed some light onto what is going on in their marriages. So this thread is to help other TAM'ers know when they need to work together to tear down some emotional barriers, along with my feedback to admit that doing so is not something that comes easy (about was about to say no pun intended, but I like that innuendo to be honest!).

So why is it so easy to emotionally disconnect sometimes than to allow your partner to see you sometimes during intimacy?

Badsanta


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

The best I have ever experienced are always "eyes wide open"... it is an incredibly heightened awareness that makes it the best.

Always has been...

I have never asked my wife why she has her eyes closed when the crescendo hits... too busy enjoying watching her face and taking it all in.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I voted no because usually I have my eyes screwed tightly shut. Once in a while they're open and when they are it's always pretty awesome. To be honest it isn't something I really concentrate on in the moment. Whatever happens happens. I tend to focus on what my body is feeling more than what I am seeing.

That book Passionate Marriage has some pretty far out theories, but it's a good book. My husband hates it, but I think that's because a lot of it hits home for him. We tried reading it together about 5 years ago and didn't get anywhere - maybe we should try again. He took exception to the assertion at the beginning that him always trying to make me orgasm was selfish on his part and that was as far as we got, but he has since then come to understand that my orgasm is mine and if I want to have one I will and if I don't I won't.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Never had my eyes open when I orgasmed with my wife. Now I often have eyes open during orgasm, but she is not in the room so no need to avoid eye contact. No idea if her eyes are open or shut when she orgasms because I have never been in the same room with her when she orgasmed.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

It would be hard to look at my W when I am trying to also take a selfie ...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)




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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Back to reality.

Men are visual. Women are imaginative.

Men want to see their women in the thralls of orgasm, women close their eyes and let their inner eyes process the feast of emotions.

This is a general statement. Privates have their own viewpoint.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Privates have their own viewpoint.


:rofl:


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> He took exception to the assertion at the beginning that him always trying to make me orgasm was *selfish* on his part and that was as far as we got, but he has since then come to understand that my orgasm is mine and if I want to have one I will and if I don't I won't.


Ugh, I get that, but it's a struggle. Thanks, hadn't heard it described like that, it's is helpful. And I think I'll look into the book.

I've usually got my eyes open.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

My H stares at me and tbh I find it off putting, but I know why he does it so I don't make a thing of it, I just close my eyes.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I do both. Depends on what's going on. I have huge eyes so if they're open wide I imagine I look quite scary, lol.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

peacem said:


> My H stares at me and tbh I find it off putting, but I know why he does it so I don't make a thing of it, I just close my eyes.


Wear these glasses next time, problem solved!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)




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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I dig looking into my partners eyes. If she's willing.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> I voted no because usually I have my eyes screwed tightly shut. Once in a while they're open and when they are it's always pretty awesome. To be honest it isn't something I really concentrate on in the moment. Whatever happens happens. I tend to focus on what my body is feeling more than what I am seeing.


That is some good feedback in that it is important to know that just because someone eyes are shut, it does not mean that they are struggling. This is a topic so easy to over analyze. 

*The important point to get across is that "if" you open your eyes would you feel like it would definitely feel weird and ruin the moment. If that is the case, a couple has some things to talk about.* A good place to start is trying to kiss with one's eyes open. 

But there are also times that it is nice like when tasting a great glass of wine, that one might close their eyes to help heighten their other senses during intimacy. 

Badsanta

PS: My wife does NOT like any books on sex because she feels like I will use them to critique her. BUT she often enjoys discussing a topic when I find something interesting.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

She's usually not facing me when I orgasm.

In fact, she's usually in the other room, so..


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> He took exception to the assertion at the beginning that him always trying to make me orgasm was selfish on his part and that was as far as we got, but he has since then come to understand that my orgasm is mine and if I want to have one I will and if I don't I won't.


Ahhh., his intentions were "Honorable."

But, his intentions were "On-her-able."

When the burden lays "on her", the hence-fence goes up, and is libeled selfish! No typo...Dear!

I face the same dilemma. 

Eyes open...face the music.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

I love to but wife doesn't, so i let it go and push forward. To me its very intimate. BTW I'm the romantic one of this dynamic duo.

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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

How about no contact during sex? We never look at eachother and that's not my choosing. DH has a serious problem with intimacy (he is also a recovering porn addict) so we usually don't have face to face sex which bothers me.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

H and I read that chapter in the book too. We don't agree with the whole 'eyes open during sex for emotional connection' but one good thing did come out of that chapter. My husband will drop the 'come here baby....let's kiss with our eyes open' which he knows will always make me LMAO. I'm sure that's not how the author intended his theory to work but it works to connect us, no? Laughter in our home is an aphrodisiac.


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## Buffon06 (Aug 14, 2016)

Wife usually has eyes closed during her orgasms, I almost always have mine open. Seems like she needs to concentrate or focus more than I do.

I really do enjoy eye contact during a BJ, however.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I close my eyes when I orgasm. It's a natural reaction/reflex. I do it when I have sex or when I masterbate. When I orgasm I am unaware of what I am doing, I do what feels good and I lose control in that short moment. Why do anything other than what comes naturally?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I voted "No" but it's not entirely accurate. Real Estate (my TAM nickname for my beau) is definitely eyes open. He loves watching me. It turns him on. I on the other hand, tend towards eyes closed--it's automatic, instinctual. But I try to make the effort to open my eyes and be available to him in that way, and when I do, man, do things get intense!

I recently read somewhere that maintaining/increasing/prolonging eye contact--whether in a sexual context or otherwise--can help/grow/improve feelings of emotional intimacy. Real Estate somewhat dissociates sex from emotional intimacy, so I'm trying to re-train his brain without him knowing. That, and it's totally hot.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm not sure I have the ability to control eyes open or not, eye contact or not, during or just before an O. I didn't know other people could. I thought it was like sneezing, like you can't keep your eye open during sneeze. Also, my automatic posture precludes eye contact even if I had control of eye open or not. Back arched, neck stretched, head thrown back...not seeing too much. Excep on my hands and knees but I'm still not able to see my H behind me so...my answer is a resounding no.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> How about no contact during sex? We never look at eachother and that's not my choosing. DH has a serious problem with intimacy (he is also a recovering porn addict) so we usually don't have face to face sex which bothers me.


Your comment make me think of something that I'll share. At moments when my wife is NOT really in the mood but she is willing to accommodate my needs... there is a very strong tendency for us to choose positions that avoid face to face contact. Because I am aware she is not in the mood I actually find that this does facilitate things. She tells me, "just enjoy being selfish for a moment if you need to!" 

So this perhaps does give credence to partners that claim their lover is being selfish when any desired close intimacy and eye contact is avoided. But in my opinion "selfish" sounds much less problematic than to telling someone to enjoy being "emotionally isolated" by yourself for a moment. 

If I can ask @hifromme67 have you ever considered that behaviors with porn facilitate and enable pleasure for those that have problems being "present" with a spouse during intimacy? With porn, a person has the same confidence as if they are alone and having a conversation with themselves in order to facilitate self discovery. Then for whatever reason are made to feel like it would NOT BE OK to share their thoughts in this same manner with a spouse. A BIG part of this is the shame their spouse may associate with porn habits which in turn makes this person feel like they must "shut themselves down" in order to be close to someone else.
@peacem went through a similar experience with her husband in which she learned to accept her husband for who he was (porn habits and all), and through this managed to pull him closer to her and to a point that he gets more excited about the idea of being with his wife sometimes than he ever was with porn. As you see in a previous post of hers, now SHE is the one that feels a little uncomfortable with him wanting to make eye contact and look at her. Just goes to show that being emotionally close with someone during intimacy is not easy for either person and it requires a great deal of patience. 

As far as your husband goes, you do NOT have to accept the porn that he watches, but you should try and make him feel that you do accept him for being someone that watches porn. You should encourage him to be as open with you as he has been in the past with his computer and try not to judge.

I was watching an episode of Showtime's _Masters of Sex_ last night and a wife was freaked out by her husband's shoe fetish. As soon as she realized that he was attracted to her feet and that she actually enjoyed him giving attention to her feet, she could see it was just an odd way for him to love her but that he actually loved her. 

Anyway I'm probably starting to ramble. Porn is definitely a problematic topic in this regard because it allows one to emulate high levels of intimacy in the setting of being alone, in private, and all forms of activity likely hidden and encrypted. I admit to having my own problems with porn, but I am happy my wife is someone that has been patient and always loving/caring towards me regarding this topic. 

Porn for many also becomes a way to self sooth when your under a lot of stress. So now a days I tend to read, exercise, or listen to music. 

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lila said:


> H and I read that chapter in the book too. We don't agree with the whole 'eyes open during sex for emotional connection' but one good thing did come out of that chapter. My husband will drop the 'come here baby....let's kiss with our eyes open' which he knows will always make me LMAO. I'm sure that's not how the author intended his theory to work but it works to connect us, no? *Laughter in our home is an aphrodisiac.*


This is like me doing NMMNG backwards and purposely doing nice things for my wife BUT telling her that she was signing all sorts of my covert contracts for some very explicit activities later on in the evening. I'll be like, "you like that cappuccino I just made you? ...just know that it freaking expensive and I plan to bill you for it with interest later on tonight!" She will give me the finger and then I will give her the A.O.K sign and say, "that is right, put it here for me!" Then we both die laughing!!!!

Badsanta


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

badsanta said:


> @peacem went through a similar experience with her husband in which she learned to accept her husband for who he was (porn habits and all), and through this managed to pull him closer to her and to a point that he gets more excited about the idea of being with his wife sometimes than he ever was with porn. As you see in a previous post of hers, now SHE is the one that feels a little uncomfortable with him wanting to make eye contact and look at her. Just goes to show that being emotionally close with someone during intimacy is not easy for either person and it requires a great deal of patience.
> 
> 
> 
> Badsanta


Actually for what it is worth...the reason I find it uncomfortable is that he thinks about porn scenarios and replaces me in his fantasies. Something I didn't like, but now accept as a good compromise over him actually using porn instead of having sex with me.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> I recently read somewhere that maintaining/increasing/prolonging eye contact--whether in a sexual context or otherwise--can help/grow/improve feelings of emotional intimacy. Real Estate somewhat dissociates sex from emotional intimacy, *so I'm trying to re-train his brain without him knowing. That, and it's totally hot.*


Deceptive manipulation for facilitating closer emotional intimacy?????

DAMN!!!!!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

peacem said:


> Actually for what it is worth...the reason I find it uncomfortable is that he thinks about porn scenarios and replaces me in his fantasies. Something I didn't like, but now accept as a good compromise over him actually using porn instead of having sex with me.


NO!!!!

He is learning to replace his porn fantasies with YOU!!!! Don't let your self esteem trick you into thinking otherwise...

Do what @FeministInPink is doing and use eye contact as a form of deceptive manipulation to have him be even closer with you. Not a joke, like serious! Like really serious!!!! Take her words for it, it will make it "hot!"

Badsanta


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Eye Contact during sex is very important to me. 
During climax however, it's okay if we have some shut eye! 
To me it's like sneezing, you have to close your eyes, I didn't even think I could open them during that time!

Eye contact is very personal, powerful, it can create a loving bond. 
To me personally, climax is just the end goal, the contact during intimacy, be it, eye contact and touching is far more important, it's a connection, a connection that could keep a marriage going for decades, bearing in mind that the emotional foundation is solid enough.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> Eye Contact during sex is very important to me.
> During *climax *however, it's okay if we have some shut eye!
> *To me it's like sneezing*, you have to close your eyes, I didn't even think I could open them during that time!


 @MrsAldi I think you are not doing it right! I think you might be experiencing a sexually induced sneeze instead of an orgasm!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexually_induced_sneezing

You might want to research that as it is a lot more common than you think. 

Personally I actually can imagine something very erotic and instantly induce a sneeze. I find it annoying, because one day my wife will figure me out and a sneeze is pretty hard to hide. Instead of saying, "Bless you" she will start looking at me and say, "stop it!"

>

Badsanta


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Deceptive manipulation for facilitating closer emotional intimacy?????
> 
> DAMN!!!!!


Naw, man it's the other way around! I'm not try to use sex to get emotional intimacy. I'm trying to get him to see sex as an extension and part of our emotional intimacy.

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

badsanta said:


> @MrsAldi I think you are not doing it right! I think you might be experiencing a sexually induced sneeze instead of an orgasm!
> 
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexually_induced_sneezing
> 
> You might want to research that as it is a lot more common than you think.


  no, definitely not! apologies, I don't think I have this problem, black pepper makes me sneeze (a lot) when I am cooking and preparing meals, I have (unfortunately) never had any arousal or orgasmic experience during these times! 



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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> It would be hard to look at my W when I am trying to also take a selfie ...


Here is your new avatar then @EllisRedding!










This conveys your ability to multitask so well! Sex with the wife, blow up the death star, AND take a selfie!


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

H and I almost never have eye contact during sex. And not because my eyes are closed, but because his are. Or we're just not looking at each other.

Is it a sign of emotional disconnect? Maybe, but I'm not convinced.


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## newmarriageguy (Dec 16, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> Never had my eyes open when I orgasmed with my wife. Now I often have eyes open during orgasm, but she is not in the room so no need to avoid eye contact. No idea if her eyes are open or shut when she orgasms because I have never been in the same room with her when she orgasmed.




I want to ask in what room are you in, how can you climax and your wife not next to you what do you mean ?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I can't vote, because I LOVE eye contact during sex--we are definitely making love to each other! However, in the moment of that "high note" I'm with @MrsAldi ... my eyes close very similar to sneezing. I've TRIED to keep my eyes open while sneezing and at climax, and even if I manage to keep my eyelids apart, it's like my eyes don't focus. I'm not "seeing"! In a strange way, what I do see is in my mind's eye and involves something like stars putting on a fireworks show.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

newmarriageguy said:


> I want to ask in what room are you in, how can you climax and your wife not next to you what do you mean ?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


He could be in any room where his dear wife isn't present! 

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## newmarriageguy (Dec 16, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> He could be in any room where his dear wife isn't present!
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk




But how? Unless he's having cyber sex with his wife. 


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

newmarriageguy said:


> But how? Unless he's having cyber sex with his wife.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


 um, I think he means that he is looking after himself and his wife doesn't care! 

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## newmarriageguy (Dec 16, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> um, I think he means that he is looking after himself and his wife doesn't care!
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk




Ok confusing. His wife teleports to the other room when their having sex lol


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

newmarriageguy said:


> Ok confusing. His wife teleports to the other room when their having sex lol
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


No, i take it as she doesn't want eye contact or sex. 
So @Holdingontoitit has all the fun alone. Sorry H. 

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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

newmarriageguy said:


> I want to ask in what room are you in, how can you climax and your wife not next to you what do you mean ?


Masturbation works.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I can't vote because I don't know the answer ... seriously I lose my mind during orgasm so I have no idea what my eyes (or anything else) are doing ... guess I'll have to ask my partner next time.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Back to reality.
> 
> Men are visual. Women are imaginative.
> 
> ...


*If providing oral to my lady, I want to look up and catch a momentary glimpse of her face when the "big O" sets in, never quite expecting to ever see her eyes wide open, but looking at the sheer contorted beauty of her face as her orgasm takes full control of her beautiful body!

And if I am the recipient of her fastidious oral, then there is absolutely no way in hell that I can ever try to gaze at her because I am so preoccupied with the impending orgasm that I can never quite concentrate on anything else!

But I'm hoping that she fully enjoys seeing me in much the same state of bliss that I see her!*


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

badsanta said:


> @MrsAldi I think you are not doing it right! I think you might be experiencing a sexually induced sneeze instead of an orgasm!
> 
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexually_induced_sneezing
> 
> ...


Lol @badsanta my bf has this, too. Only he told me about it on our first date, because I made him sneeze. :grin2:

Now when he sneezes, I always wonder if it was induced by something outside of himself, or by some random horny thought! Ha! And sometimes he will see me come naked out of the shower or something and stop to tell me how hot I am but sneezes before he can finish his sentence. I find it adorable.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

As to the OP question...I have found that I can keep my eyes open during climax, but it is very difficult and my eyes start rolling around when I even try....its like my eyes want to find their way inside of my head so that they will still experience the darkness that would be there from my eyelids being shut! Its a very odd sensation and was distracting as well, so I haven't bothered to try for a long time. Much nicer to just let my eyes close as they want to and softly open a moment or two at a time.

All during the rest of the time while having sex or foreplay, my eyes are wide open almost all of the time and I am directly engaged with him. I could not have satisfying sex if we weren't totally engaged. We are talking about what we are doing, how good it feels, would you like to try moving to this, oh yeah stay there on that, oooohhhh that feels good, etc. We also talk about how sexy or beautiful we think each other is, we talk dirty things, we allow ourselves to make natural moans and other sounds, too. We don't stop communicating at any point. 

I know intimacy is extremely difficult for some people and they must isolate themselves in order to climax. That seems like it would suck, but some of your posts @badsanta on this thread made me re-think this. Maybe it doesn't suck so much as it is simply a mechanism for coping with something that can actually be beneficial in some ways. But when people isolate themselves during the whole act and during kissing, etc....that part I don't really understand. I mean I remember the weird feeling you are describing of peeking and seeing someone looking at me while kissing (this would have literally been during my first few years of kissing which must have been in middle school), but that feeling quickly faded as soon as my actual lust started kicking in (with a little more time and maturity). As soon as I was really feeling groovy in my body, I wanted communication and engagement during any kind of sexual experience, even just making out. 

My eyes are mostly closed during kissing but only because I'm enjoying the moment and being swept away. They are not jammed tight, they are just fluttery and mostly closed but not always. I always open them and look at him through dreamy eyes for a moment or two while kissing, always.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don't really like to make eye contact during sex. My fiance likes to look at me when I'm about to O, and I don't really like it. It can actually be distracting, he doesn't do it often but I have thought it would be amazing to O while looking at each other, but I'm just not comfortable with it for some reason.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

if your partner is fantasizing about someone else during sex, there will be no eye contact


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

When we got intimate after the affair, I asked him what does he thinks about when he orgasm and at any point does he thinks about her. I asked that question because unknowest to me when he was doing us both, he had become more aggressive in bed which I didn't mind him changing things a bit. I accused him of using my body as a replacement for her because of his eyes closing, which he always did. When we had sex after that accusation, he held my face with both hands when he orgasm, which creeped me out. He told me that he never thinks when he comes. 

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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Eye contact during sex is a big turn-on. But during climax? I like being able to see my partner when he comes, whether his eyes are open or not, but the few times a partner has asked me to look at them as I come, I find it makes me self-conscious and is a mood-killer, essentially chasing off the orgasm. It's sort of involuntary and I wish my body didn't feel that way about things, but if the goal is for both of us to come, it's a no-go.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

peacem said:


> Actually for what it is worth...the reason I find it uncomfortable is that* he thinks about porn scenarios and replaces me in his fantasies. Something I didn't like, but now accept as a good compromise *over him actually using porn instead of having sex with me.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Eye contact is a must for Constable Odo and I during climax. Usually it involves holding his face in my hands and resting my forehead on his, if I happen to be on top. Deep gazing, kissing, etc. His eyes are one of his most attractive features. 

No, we don't have any hangups. There's something very intense about being completely comfortable and unashamed during your most vulnerable moments. We cherish and look forward to them, especially when we are most stressed. 

I understand some people aren't comfortable with eye contact. It's a dominance thing for some. Looking away may show meekness in women. I am more confrontational/bold than Odo but he is naturally dominant.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Personal said:


> Masturbation works.


No it does not count if you masturbate and make eye contact with yourself in the mirror...

...wait a minute, now that would be rather awkward!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

badsanta said:


> No it does not count if you masturbate and make eye contact with yourself in the mirror...
> 
> ...wait a minute, now that would be rather awkward!


That is why I always masturbate while looking out the Window. Someone walks by, eye contact will be had!


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I just did some homework, and yes, both our eyes open for my climax. (She got hers earlier, no idea about her eyes as I couldn't see anything.) I'll admit I do really miss being able to climax simultaneously from PiV, I think we would look at each other.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> I know intimacy is extremely difficult for some people and they must isolate themselves in order to climax. That seems like it would suck, but some of your posts @badsanta on this thread made me re-think this. Maybe it doesn't suck so much as it is simply a mechanism for coping with something that can actually be beneficial in some ways. But when people isolate themselves during the whole act and during kissing, etc....that part I don't really understand. I mean I remember the weird feeling you are describing of peeking and seeing someone looking at me while kissing (this would have literally been during my first few years of kissing which must have been in middle school), but that feeling quickly faded as soon as my actual lust started kicking in (with a little more time and maturity). As soon as I was really feeling groovy in my body, I wanted communication and engagement during any kind of sexual experience, even just making out.


 @Faithful Wife have you ever been with someone that struggles a little bit with performance anxieties? If so would you notice in moments like this where someone might need to just close their eyes and try to push themselves to climax? Has this ever happened to you where you need to close your own eyes or feel like you will loose the moment?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

badsanta said:


> @Faithful Wife have you ever been with someone that struggles a little bit with performance anxieties? If so would you notice in moments like this where someone might need to just close their eyes and try to push themselves to climax? Has this ever happened to you where you need to close your own eyes or feel like you will loose the moment?


Hmmm....it has been so long since I've been with someone who had PA, I don't even remember anything specific about it. I definitely can't recall if they closed their eyes (it was only one partner and we didn't discuss his PA at length, and it was in my early 20's). I am not sure how I even reacted to the PA, I only recall barely being aware of it when he mentioned something once that tipped me off.

For me, my eyes automatically roll back in my head and the lids close (gently) when I am getting to the plateau. No, it never felt like it needed to happen or I would lose the moment. It feels like an automatic response and a natural one. At the moment of climax, my eyes are totally rolled back. I described earlier that the few times I purposely tried to keep my eyes open during climax, I was able to, but my eyes rolled back in my head anyway. I couldn't stop them from doing that and when I tried, then it became distracting. The images before my eyes (namely, my partner's face or body or both of ours) is not something I need or want to shut out as I am leading up to climax. I do not need them to be shut out at all, it just happens for those few moments all on its own. 

If I am taking care of business, I may have my eyes closed because I am imagining some fantasy, but I don't really need to close them to do that, either. Sometimes it is just more relaxing, though.

I've only had 2 lovers in the past 14 years, and neither of them have closed their eyes during climax, other than similar to what happens to me, their eyes may roll around during part of it. Both of them most of the time are looking into my face as they get right up to the edge....sometimes the look on my face pushes them over the edge, actually.

I did have a FWB who worked a lot on orgasm denial, and he would sometimes have to close his eyes so that he wouldn't lose his O due to something arousing he saw going on in front of him. That was a whole different use of the eyes closed for him.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

ellisredding said:


> that is why i always masturbate while looking out the window. Someone walks by, eye contact will be had!


lmao!!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Hmmm....it has been so long since *I've been with someone who had PA*, I don't even remember anything specific about it. I definitely can't recall if they closed their eyes (it was only one partner and we didn't discuss his PA at length, and it was in my early 20's). I am not sure how I even reacted to the PA, *I only recall barely being aware of it* when he mentioned something once that tipped me off.


Thanks for sharing that! Most people with performance anxiety likely feel that their partner is hyper aware that there is an anxiety issue causing problems. 

I just had a bit of an epiphany of my own moments when I struggle and why I might need to avoid eye contact as a coping mechanism in a few situations. There have been moments where I take care of my wife first via means other than PIV before it is my turn. Then when it is my turn I actually want to make eye contact, but when I do I can tell that she is no longer in the moment with me and it instantly kills everything (like raging boner to zero in two seconds). I'll look down and she is staring off into space. So in those moments I might keep my eyes closed and be struggling is because I want a feeling of a close connection, but I'm actually afraid that perhaps I'll discover with any eye contact my wife is definitely done and just patiently waiting for me to finish. So I close my eyes and just imagine her still enjoying the moment...

Now on the other hand if I know she is done and says that. And now she just wants to focus on me, I can usually get my head back in the game, but I need her there WITH me emotionally, even if she is no longer aroused! If I sense she is already distracted and thinking of other things, then the moment is gone... odds are that is just my self conscious somehow getting the best of me.

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> That is why I always masturbate while looking out the Window. Someone walks by, eye contact will be had!


Stop disturbing the wildlife in your backyard @EllisRedding 



















Poor owl....


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

...


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

You guys crack me up! 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

badsanta said:


> Stop disturbing the wildlife in your backyard
> 
> 
> Poor owl....


It is more like


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Thanks for sharing that! Most people with performance anxiety likely feel that their partner is hyper aware that there is an anxiety issue causing problems.
> 
> I just had a bit of an epiphany of my own moments when I struggle and why I might need to avoid eye contact as a coping mechanism in a few situations. There have been moments where I take care of my wife first via means other than PIV before it is my turn. Then when it is my turn I actually want to make eye contact, but when I do I can tell that she is no longer in the moment with me and it instantly kills everything (like raging boner to zero in two seconds). I'll look down and she is staring off into space. So in those moments I might keep my eyes closed and be struggling is because I want a feeling of a close connection, but I'm actually afraid that perhaps I'll discover with any eye contact my wife is definitely done and just patiently waiting for me to finish. So I close my eyes and just imagine her still enjoying the moment...
> 
> ...


I don't really understand how anyone can have sex with a partner who is detached at the time. I realize you have had to accept this in order to have sex more often (you've had to accept that sometimes she's doing it out of love for you). But as you said, what a boner killer.

My body would simply shut down and not perform. My body can shut down all at once, very quickly if the circumstances aren't right. And it will not be coaxed back into the game. I wouldn't try to get back in the game anyway but even if I wanted to, it would not go there with me. 

When my body has shut down, I cannot fake it. I literally can't get anything inside of me after that point. I either have to be fully present and turned on with a mutually invested partner, or no sex can occur.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't really understand how anyone can have sex with a partner who is detached at the time. I realize you have had to accept this in order to have sex more often (you've had to accept that sometimes she's doing it out of love for you). But as you said, what a boner killer.
> 
> My body would simply shut down and not perform. My body can shut down all at once, very quickly if the circumstances aren't right. And it will not be coaxed back into the game. I wouldn't try to get back in the game anyway but even if I wanted to, it would not go there with me.
> 
> When my body has shut down, I cannot fake it. I literally can't get anything inside of me after that point. I either have to be fully present and turned on with a mutually invested partner, or no sex can occur.


I can't agree with FW more. In order for me to even contemplate getting physically intimate with someone, I have to feel deeply connected to them. If my partner suddenly detached from me, I would shut down immediately (physically and emotionally) and probably wouldn't be that eager for a repeat performance with him...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> *I don't really understand how anyone can have sex with a partner who is detached at the time. *I realize you have had to accept this in order to have sex more often (you've had to accept that sometimes she's doing it out of love for you). But as you said, what a boner killer.





Cosmos said:


> I can't agree with FW more. In order for me to even contemplate getting physically intimate with someone, I have to feel deeply connected to them. * If my partner suddenly detached from me, I would shut down immediately *(physically and emotionally) and probably wouldn't be that eager for a repeat performance with him...


 @Faithful Wife & @Cosmos while this problem has not surfaced in a very long time, many my wife's friends that were adventurous when they were younger have bragged to my wife about being with a guy that could go more than once without needing to stop. My wife complained to me about this and thought since sex is so important to me that this should be an experience I could give her, but instead she would be frustrated that I loose my erection after an orgasm. At the time I would be so connected to her during sex that I would often have my orgasm moments before she had hers, and knowing this I would push myself to keep going somehow.

Now I know you will never understand what it is to be a guy with the onset of a post orgasmic rush of hormones that will induce an instant refractory period, but feel free to research "post orgasmic torture or POT" porn and you will see what happens to a guy when he is forced to just "keep going" just after he has had his orgasm. Essentially the penis becomes hyper sensitive to the point that any continued stimulation feels more like a ticklish sensation than a pleasurable one. This effect is different each time in that sometimes it continues to feel pleasurable while at other times it can be unbearably ticklish. 

...so knowing that my wife was close, I would try to push myself to keep going for her. I think she would perhaps see that I had disconnected and was struggling to do this for her and then it would kill the moment. Then she would fuss at me that I was not trying hard enough and that for her she always enjoys to keep going for me if she has already had her orgasm and was frustrated that I could not do the same for her when I would have mine first. 

My point in sharing this is that I am certain many men in this type of situation sometimes have to purposely try and disconnect from their wives during sex due to anxiety that they may climax too soon and ruin the moment for her. Thus comes the age old advice to "think about baseball" or something during sex to help a guy last longer. So a guy can experience performance anxiety both from not being able to orgasm (less common) and from feeling and impending orgasm about to happen too soon (more common). For a partner such as yourselves that may respond very strongly to a situation like that and feeling your partner disconnected, I am going to admit that it will likely only make things worse with regards to his anxiety. 

As for my wife and I today, she has been learning how to be more playful with both forms of these anxiety in ways that now add some serious sparks in the bedroom for us. Explaining how these things work and attributing it to a way of doing so that builds her confidence and mine to stay emotionally connected with each other when this happens was not exactly easy.

Badsanta


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

newmarriageguy said:


> I want to ask in what room are you in, how can you climax and your wife not next to you what do you mean ?


 @Mrs.Aldi got it correct. I no longer have partner sex with anyone. Not with my wife and not with anyone else. So I am never with my wife when I have orgasm. If we are both home, I am in another room masturbating.

I do not believe my wife has any sex at all. If she does, it certainly is not with me. So if she has any orgasms, I am not there to see whether her eyes are open or closed.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

badsanta said:


> @Faithful Wife & @Cosmos while this problem has not surfaced in a very long time, many my wife's friends that were adventurous when they were younger have bragged to my wife about being with a guy that could go more than once without needing to stop. My wife complained to me about this and thought since sex is so important to me that this should be an experience I could give her, but instead she would be frustrated that I loose my erection after an orgasm. At the time I would be so connected to her during sex that I would often have my orgasm moments before she had hers, and knowing this I would push myself to keep going somehow.
> 
> Now I know you will never understand what it is to be a guy with the onset of a post orgasmic rush of hormones that will induce an instant refractory period, but feel free to research "post orgasmic torture or POT" porn and you will see what happens to a guy when he is forced to just "keep going" just after he has had his orgasm. Essentially the penis becomes hyper sensitive to the point that any continued stimulation feels more like a ticklish sensation than a pleasurable one. This effect is different each time in that sometimes it continues to feel pleasurable while at other times it can be unbearably ticklish.
> 
> ...


Trying to control each others orgasm created all kinds of problems with us. What a relief to be just be able to orgasm when we are both good and ready without feeling inadequate. In fact when we stopped trying to time orgasms we both wanted to have sex more and my orgasms came quicker and in succession. His 'issues' disappeared quickly.

I don't feel disconnected if he finishes before me. Once he has finished it means I get 100% of his attention whilst he helps me get there too. I like it - no disconnection whatsoever. If he began yawning that would be another thing...:grin2:. I think there is more to sexually connecting than just eye contact but you have got me thinking about it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Guess it's not as easy as a yes or no answer for me. It all has to do with how connected I feel with the person if I want or need eye contact with them during sex


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

It would take concentration to ensure my eyes were open... which would contradict the moment for me. I'm not thinking of anything, simply letting go and experiencing bliss. 

When bringing him to climax though, I'll admit eye contact is thoughtfully used to tease, please, connect.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I've done some of my own research on this thread since I have started it. I've drawn a new conclusion that I think the author or "Passionate Marriage" overlooked.

He claimed that some people felt keeping your eyes open during an orgasm was like keeping you eyes open during a sneeze and that it was simply not possible. He enjoyed telling these people that it _was possible_ to keep your eyes open during climax.

So while masturbating I noticed that I can keep my eyes open no problem and my breathing is fairly normal.

Then with my wife I noticed that my orgasms are infinitely more powerful than compared to a solo experience. So much so, that _I do not even know if my eyes are open or closed_ as I loose control over my vision (likely that my eyes roll into my head), AND I completely loose control of my ability to breath as well. As for breathing it is as though I am struggling to gasp for air but every muscle in my body contracts so much that if there is any air left in my lungs that it will be forced out even though I would want to breath in. It is not until my orgasm is over that I can finally get a big gasp of air. During all that I have no ****ing clue what my eyes were doing. 

So I think the author David Schnarch had perhaps never experienced an "earth shattering" orgasm when he wrote _Passionate Marriage_ claiming that couples should be able to stare into each other's eyes while climaxing. 

@Lila I had my wife laughing her ass off in the bedroom while we discussed this. I would make fun of this by rolling/crossing my eyes, making a pretend orgasm face, then very heavily slur my speech as if unable to breath and start saying, "honey stare into my eyes!" OMG I can not remember the last time we both laughed so hard!

My wife actually likes the idea that she gives me an orgasm so strong that I completely loose control of myself including giving me a temporary loss of vision!

But we have no problems with eye contact leading up to climax.

Badsanta


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