# Stbx trying to blow up our agreement over 1 small detail.



## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

My husband filed for a divorce. We have agreed on a division of assets and have agreed on a completely 50/50 shared custody plan. We live 5 minutes away from each other and have everything worked out. We agreed that neither one of us would pay the other one child support and we would split all our son's cost 50/50. The lawyer drafted the divorce decree to establish joint conservatorship as well.

The conflict? He wants to be listed as our son's primary residence because he feels that this will protect him from paying me child support because he makes significantly more money than I do at a "regular" job and I am self employed and work from our marital home which I am keeping (and we both agreed upon). He is afraid that I will change my mind and come after him for child support.

Let me be clear. I DO NOT WANT HIS MONEY. I can support myself and my son just fine on my own. If something should change and I become unemployed I still do not want his money. If he won the freaking lottery I would not want his money! HOWEVER, I did make it clear that if I lost my home and therefore my job because of him (as in he goes back on our deal and tries to force the sale of our home), I would seek child support.

I agreed to let him establish himself as our son's primary residence with everything being 50/50 as long as we decreed that our son would remain in the same elementary, middle and high school. This really ticked him off! He already thinks he is getting "screwed" by reaching a "lesser of the 2 evils agreement" in the first place, and thinks I'm being totally unreasonable because I don't want to make 5 trips to a school potentially 30 min-hour away (one trip!). While we have a financially stable agreement worked out for the foreseeable future, it would put a large financial burden on me if he changed our son's school. Not only do I drive a giant truck that gets 12mpg and doesn't fit anywhere (I absolutely have to have this truck for my job) I would have to pick my son up from school 3 days a week during peak business hours which would cost me a minimum of $720 a month during the months he's in school. I explained to him that I can not make that work and would indeed seek child support. 

Well he finally agreed to stipulate that our son would stay in the same school but wanted to include (his exact words in his email) "Also I would like to put I have the exclusive right to collect child support payments, then you would have to modify the decree as well if you ever pursued it, making it more difficult and expensive for you, is that agreeable?"

What?! I thought that listing him as primary was essentially the same thing. Isn't that a bit redundant? I'm concerned with that wording making it easier to come at ME for child support the second I really tick him off or if he did something stupid and lost his job. 

Now he is saying "f you" and is threatening to go back on the deal and try to force the sale of our home, business and everything after my parents already swapped houses with him so that we could keep the family property in the family. (They swapped house payments and then we will officially swap the deeds once the divorce is final or so it was planned.) 


He refuses to trust me that "I won't come after him for child support" and that the whole "deal" only works if he doesn't have to pay me child support and is now suggesting that I take on a larger than agreed upon portion of the credit card debt to make sure "he'll be able to afford it if I do try to get child support."

I don't have a fortune to spend on lawyers. Anyone dealt with something similar? Is there anything that can be legally drafted that would protect us both enough to suit his insecurities? 




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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don't have kids and don't really understand child support laws...but, I'd get it ALL in writing. He is worried you will go back on your word, because he can see himself going back on his. Usually people who lie, think others lie, etc. I would get everything in writing, all the stipulations, etc in writing. I can see why you're divorcing him.  Hope things work out-prayers for you. Be strong.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

He's an idiot.... At the end of the day, ANY significant change in either of your financial situations can force the other to seek child support. 

Alimony can be waived forever. Child support can't be, no matter how strongly the divorce decree is worded. His "exclusive right" is not enforceable.

Him having residental custody will make is "harder" for you to win support but far from impossible. The child's welfare will ALWAYS come first. Period.

Honestly.... as a guy who got this exact same deal from his ex. He's screwing you pretty badly. You need to get a new lawyer before you sign ANYTHING. 

If you went to court with a competent attorney, you'd probably get the marital house, alimony and child support. Unless your a criminal, lower income moms clean up.

It would be WELL worth it in your situation to fight it in court. Glad no one told my ex that LOL.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> He's an idiot.... At the end of the day, ANY significant change in either of your financial situations can force the other to seek child support.
> 
> Alimony can be waived forever. Child support can't be, no matter how strongly the divorce decree is worded. His "exclusive right" is not enforceable.
> 
> ...


The above is where you are really at. You do not have to agree to his "deal." If he wants to fight, he is going to lose. If he doesn't want to pay child support then he should sign the agreement and be happy. I would let him know that you will go after him for all he's got if he's not going to be reasonable. Either he plays nice or you play hardball and he is going to regret being unreasonable. He doesn't have a leg to stand on. You are holding the cards with a Royal Flush.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

cashybum said:


> My husband filed for a divorce. We have agreed on a division of assets and have agreed on a completely 50/50 shared custody plan. We live 5 minutes away from each other and have everything worked out. We agreed that neither one of us would pay the other one child support and we would split all our son's cost 50/50. The lawyer drafted the divorce decree to establish joint conservatorship as well.
> 
> The conflict? He wants to be listed as our son's primary residence because he feels that this will protect him from paying me child support because he makes significantly more money than I do at a "regular" job and I am self employed and work from our marital home which I am keeping (and we both agreed upon). He is afraid that I will change my mind and come after him for child support.
> 
> ...


So he wants you to waive child support in writing and keep his right to go after you for it? 

Tell him to go F himself and you'll see him in court. @BetrayedDad is right you have a lot of leverage over him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He really is an idiot. 

Maybe he's bluffing or maybe not. Call it.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

He is a complete idiot. An agreement that waives child support isn't enforceable. People do it because they think that the other spouse will agree and they feel that it gives them some security. Not. Parties can agree with 50-50 custody that there's no support due, but a court can come right back and say "yep, you owe support-pay" Every parent remains financially and legally responsible to contribute to the support of their children.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> He is a complete idiot. An agreement that waives child support isn't enforceable. People do it because they think that the other spouse will agree and they feel that it gives them some security. Not. Parties can agree with 50-50 custody that there's no support due, but a court can come right back and say "yep, you owe support-pay" Every parent remains financially and legally responsible to contribute to the support of their children.


This is the complete truth, your stbx just does not understand. And it cannot be waived. You can always go back later and request a change to CS. In most states, CS is a calculation based on incomes and number of overnights the children spend with each parent. With a "significant" difference in income, he will always potentially be on the hook for CS.

As for what you can do legally to ease his worries, not a lot. I would work up a list of "must haves" (House, business, custody, etc) for you in the divorce and work with that goal in mind. It seems like you have a lot of things hanging in the balance of this divorce, you need determine what is most important to you and what you may be willing negotiate about.

At the same time, you need to be prepared to call him out and force the issue to either mediation or court. You may come out better, you may not. Have your ducks in a row if necessary. 

The most inexpensive way is to do everything without using attorneys to the extent possible. But that requires both parties to be willing to negotiate and agree to a equitable agreement. That requires choking down a lot of pride on his part, not sure if it will happen or not.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Typical. The man always wants to hold on to his money. Forget that he makes significantly more than you, for get that he has a career which he will more than likely continue to be able to climb up the ladder on and get raises. Geesh! I am surprised that your attorney did not suggest that he pay some sort of difference in income thru temp alimony. I think you have cut yourself short here and he is wanting to make sure he cuts your throat a little deeper. You will be lucky if he contributes to buying clothes for your child or helping in any way financially for support of this child. he has no idea how lucky he is with the contract stated the way it is right now. 

You later can come back at him for support but it is not easy and so many times it is denied. It is not easy to change the original decree so make sure you have YOUR needs met before agreeing and signing anything.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with the others...

Talk to your attorney. Try to distance yourself from him, at this point, to get your thinking on straight and to have him not influence you.

There is no rush. Do what is best for you and your child.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

How much of his lack of his lack of trust in you is based on your affair on the cruise last year? Are you and OM still in touch?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Just read some of your other threads. I understand where your husband is coming from. Let's recap:

Five years ago the two of you have a serious fight and you take up with his best friend. Since then he has wasted a lot of money but have had a nose job and a boob job. Boob jobs cost a lot more then bikes. 

Last year you went on a family cruise and hooked up with a younger, very handsome, charming, single younger man. Your husband found out by seeing text messages from him to you. 

Last month you created a thread on hooking up with his former best friend. 

Based on your track record why shouldn't he be concern that next week you will not be trying to replace his son's father with a new man?


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## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

JohnA said:


> Just read some of your other threads. I understand where your husband is coming from. Let's recap:
> 
> Five years ago the two of you have a serious fight and you take up with his best friend. Since then he has wasted a lot of money but have had a nose job and a boob job. Boob jobs cost a lot more then bikes.
> 
> ...


Incident 1: He did several crappy things before that but then spent $5k of the money we allotted for our arena down payment for our business which translated into us losing the ability to finance a building worth 50 THOUSAND DOLLARS less. Or something to that effect... He almost spent ALL OF IT with out my consent because he was about to change his mind about building one at all which would've meant our business would've eventually went under and I would've had NO JOB and a huge loss of my investment. We didn't speak for a week.. I thought I was about to get divorced and lose everything.. I was distraught, drunk, and we all moved on quickly.

Incident 2: I had a bump on my nose from an old injury.. I couldn't even really wear sunglasses because they sat really crooked on my face and I already spent a life time hating my nose. The nose was a DEAL made between my husband and I for letting him trade in my car (that he bought 'me' as an anniversary gift) and buy himself a brand new EXPENSIVE audi he just had to have. FYI the nose was paid off BEFORE I got the boobs AND the nose and boobs COMBINED didn't even come close to what his BMW motorcycle cost and that's not even counting the $9k he spent on guns and ammo without my knowledge. Furthermore, he bought the motorcycle when our building had major storm damage and was out of commission... aka paying $1200 a month for a building that wasn't making money but had to have a motorcycle that moment despite my pleading for him to wait till arena was making money again. He then proceeded to phucking harass me every other day about money and any little thing I bought because "we had no money."

Incident 3: Ahhh the "cruise douche" he calls it. Not only has this man shown more affection to the dog than me for the majority of marriage and criticized everything I did every single day, I caught him looking up craigslist hookers long before the drunken make out session referred to in incident one. He threatened to divorce me and tried to bully me out of my childhood home (where I have my business and would lose my job) 6 times!!! During one of the first attempts, he spent over $500 dollars at a strip club and then almost got himself ARRESTED while trying to visit a PROSTITUTE for a handy. Oh I forgot to mention this was just days after he bought himself a new recliner for MY birthday... He also had an ****** ******* account. 

The few weeks leading up to the cruise, he started the typical cold and distant pattern prior to divorce attempts. When I called him at like 8 am right before I got on the boat, I discovered he hadn't even been to bed yet because he was out all night at a strip club! So yeah...I was in a lot of emotional pain and craved affection. When hottest guy on the boat takes an interest... the opportunity to distract myself from the pain and loneliness was too tempting for me to handle.. especially being really drunk. When he texted me afterwards, I really enjoyed the attention but never had any intention of seeing him ever again and no, I do not keep in touch.. I haven't talked to him since right after the cruise. I still feel deeply ashamed and terrible about it.. and it wasn't right to do it regardless of what he has done to me but I do think it's worth explaining the rare circumstances for which that occurred. 

The last post you are referring to was asking how NOT to hook up with his best friend without hurting the best friend's feelings.

Our divorce dilemma has nothing to do with me hooking up with anyone. He just doesn't trust me that I won't come after him for child support which I find to be just silly. I'm the the more frugal one...despite everything thing he's done, I still love him and have always tried to show it. He's always had all of my passwords and total transparency from me. I don't have an extensive history of lying either and have never hid money from him like he has from me. I haven't really given him a reason to doubt my trust worthiness when it comes to money or stuff like this. All I want is to get equal rights to my son.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

He said some hurtful crap and made you feel so bad about yourself that you decided to get away with such a lopsided deal?

Take what is due to you and take it fully.

Don't let the other person make you feel horrible for taking what is legally yours.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

For crying out loud, take the child support. It's not for YOU, it's for your SON. Your son is legally entitled to that money for his wellbeing, and you should make sure he gets every penny.

Throw out this unenforceable "contract" you two have concocted and go see a real attorney.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Child Support can be initially waived in many states, if the court is also agreeable. You can actually divorce in some places (NY, if amicable) with no primaries listed. I picked up the responsibility to pay for health insurance.

About naming the school and the concern of moving - We named a school district. I ended up with the marital home. My ex bounced around a number of places no less that 30 miles away at any given time. Typically 45 minutes drive or more. My caution is if adding a school district restriction, consider a residential restriction within a reasonable radius. When my daughter was going week on/week off at a 45 minute ride form school, it was pretty rough on her academically. Up at 5-5:30 am. Breakfast in the car. Dropped off at a teen center after school where she was easily distracted. Mom's appointments, errands, etc, after work meant getting home about 7pm on average. Eating. Shower. Homework in the time left. Then bed to get 8 hours of sleep. This was in stark contrast to her weeks with me. Up at 6 am. Shower. Breakfast on the table. Bus to school. Bus home at 2:40pm. Unwind a little. Homework. I'm home at 4-4:30 pm. Check homework and help with what's left. Dinner on the table around 6pm. Wrap up homework. Family time. 

Another issue we found was getting her work in her high school years. She wanted a job. But due to distances, she had no way to work in my area on her mother's weeks, or vice-versa. Her mother also lived very rurally. So no opportunities there. McDonalds isn't quick to hire some teenager that can only work every other week. Friendships are strained for the same reasons.


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## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

Honestly, I feel like the situation sucks for both of us. When we began this journey, my parents had filed for bankruptcy and I could no longer get financial aid for out of state college so I had to come home and got a full time job. I had a budget to build a small barn so that I could buy, train and sell horses with the intention of going back to school. We had just started dating and since he built metal buildings in high school he stepped in and said he could build a much bigger barn for that budget and it just spiraled out of control from there. 9 years later we have amassed a completely diy equestrian empire.

He is a very hard worker! He built a lot on top of working a full time job. It's impressive! No wonder he went super crazy. His old family home is right down the road and when his parent's divorced he lost his home and 2 horses so we had the same life goals.

I grew up here (and now our son as well), and it's my job and social outlet. I put in ALOT of work too not only building but running the business. Due to the type of work I do, my job prospects would be non existent if I had to move. Not to mention I would have no where to keep my 2 horses that I've had for 19 years including my very first horse who started it all. 

My parents offered to switch houses so that he wouldn't have to waste money renting and gets to walk away with some equity. I can pay everything but the full mortgage so they stepped in to keep it in the family. Obviously the place we built is worth a lot more, but he is getting a larger house. He took a large chunk of the debt that was in his name and I took the stuff in my name. He also got to sell 2 large pieces of equipment to lower his debt but he is still stuck paying for a lot of crap he won't have anymore.... But he managed all the money and spent it very poorly so I don't feel to awful for him in that regard. 

He feels like he is getting screwed and I completely understand that. It sucks but I'm also left with a bunch of half done projects to do all by myself. It's a bit overwhelming. This also messes up the plan to purchase our land leases so if and when I lose those, it's going to hurt my business big time because one of those unfinished projects was more stalls in my big arena building. Also, because we have been married just shy of 10 years, I get totally phucked out of retirement. He has railroad retirement and since we filed a joint tax return on a schedule c, I don't even know how that is going to effect already crappy social security. He also gets to keep his 401k that we took out a loan against and paid interest back on.

So as you can see I have a lot at stake and I have essentially no choice but to fight for my place. He knows that and so it was in his best interest to find a way for me to keep living here instead of a nasty legal battle even though he threatens me every other day with it... So no I don't want child support from him. I got what I wanted and I can take care of myself and my son at a level that I'm comfortable with. All I want is for it to be as fair as it can be. Not to mention, I never ever want to rely on a man again. I don't want my livelihood to rely on a child support check from a selfish man who spends more than he makes lightening fast. 




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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Don't stoop to his level. You keep your wits about you and don't allow yourself to feel bullied. Dont retaliate emotionally, even if it makes you feel good, it actually does no good. 

A lot of this is likely hot air and fear. The reality is he will not be happy with any arrangement, no matter what it is. He will find a way to be a victim, regardless. 

The weird part is he's projecting the very behavior he is afraid you will do. That says a lot.

I didn't want any of my ex's money either.

Eta, given your history, I agree... You need to see an attorney and forget this agreement.


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