# wanting his passwords- am i out of line?



## hopelessly_devoted (Jun 23, 2010)

a few months ago my husband got drunk and kissed another girl. it was hard, but i chose to stay and forgave him. we have had a ton of ups and downs since... but things have really been going great and we are better than we have been in years. still, there is one thing that is really bothering me....

we have always had eachothers passwords to emails/facebook/etc. after he kissed another girl i clearly felt betrayed and hurt. i started checking his accounts regularly. the only thing i ever found was a message on facebook he sent the girl apologising for him kissing her, which he hadnt told me about. i didnt find out he sent this message until a month after. he said he didnt tell me because he didnt think it was important at all, yadda yadda. anyways, she never responded and they have had no contact at all. still, that turned into a heated argument because i felt he reached out to her and crossed a line. and then didnt tell me about it. but he thought i was overreacting and said he thought he was doing the adult thing by sending her that apology. i got over that as well. 

back to my issue: he changed all of his passwords. after a few weeks of me checking his things consistantly, he said he would no longer live being checked up on. he said he has nothing to hide. i said that after what he did, i feel more comfortable having access to that information for reassurance. that i didnt fully trust him right now and by having his passwords it made me trust him more knowing that he could be completely open with me. he told me that if i need reassurance, he will reassure me but these were his things and refused be checked up on any longer.

i totally understand privacy. its just that, why was it ok to share passwords before all of this happened, but not now? shouldnt it be the other way around? why all of a sudden is it not ok? i just want him to be an open book to me. i explained that this is what i think would make me totally trust him again and if i cant see what hes doing, i cant trust him. he said 'i am going to make you trust me whether you like it or not.' he feels he is forcing me to trust him by me not being able checking up on him.

there have been a couple times he forgot to log out.... and i did check to see what he had been up to. i didnt find anything. 

he even put a code to get into his phone! when i noticed that, i flipped out. i felt he had gone too far. he said 'i dont go through your things, i dont want you going through mine. i do not want to deal with you snooping through my things.' if he didnt have anything to hide, why would he care? yesterday i thought he was being a tad bit suspicious on his phone so i asked to see what he was doing and he showed me openly the conversations he was having... so i guess thats good.

i have been working so hard on my insecurity issues and i feel i have gotten a lot better. i try to not jump to conclusions or think the worse things when i start to get upset about things. so i dont know if this is me being insecure or him really pushing me too far away.

i just want it to go back to the way it was where we shared passwords. if we never shared passwords, that would be a different story. but we always shared them. i wasnt checking up on him all the time before he betrayed me. i never found anything, so i had no reason to check up on him. it would go back to being like that once i realized there was still nothing to see....

agree? disagree?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I agree with you. At first I thought his apology sounded reasonable - but then with all the secrecy it really does just look like he was trying to get her attention - and maybe succeeded.

The phone being locked is totally ridiculous.

It could be nothing - but I think he should be willing to show you its nothing - especially if that was the norm in your marriage before this happened.


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## hopelessly_devoted (Jun 23, 2010)

thank you.

i told him that him messaging her and reaching out to her like that was out of line. that it looks like he was trying to further contact with her. we spoke about this numerous times, and each time he said he really thought he was doing the right thing but apologising to her and still till this day backs his view on that up. he assured me he wants nothing to do with her. i do believe that now, but im not sure how he was feeling the day after when he sent that message.

there were a couple times before all of this happened that i was on his facebook and read a couple conversations he had with his buddies about various things, and he said some things that i didnt like and i confronted him on them (had nothing to do with cheating or anything like that) and thats what he refers to. he actually changed his facebook passwork when that happened... which was right before we were married. but i still had access to emails and his phone. which i rarely checked. he just feels that we are supposed to be moving forward and im supposed to be trusting him and people that trust eachother dont check up on eachother. when i see it a different way. he needs to prove i can trust him by me seeing nothing is going on when i can check his things openly.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

"there were a couple times before all of this happened that i was on his facebook and read a couple conversations he had with his buddies about various things, and he said some things that i didnt like and i confronted him on them (had nothing to do with cheating or anything like that) and thats what he refers to."

I have to say, that would get annoying, to have a conversation with a friend that my boyfriend was not present for, and get jumped on for it later. He is entitled to some privacy. He should be able to say something a friend and not have to worry that later you might read it or overhear it and get angry with him. 

I don't agree that he can make you trust him by changing all his passwords and reassuring you himself. However, at the same time, I don't think that being able to get into all his stuff all the time is going to do it either. Initially, yes, it does help you to see that he can be trusted. But there does come a point where you have to say "Ok, he's done absolutely nothing wrong in X time. I need to let this go and trust him, because he's clearly not doing anything he shouldn't be." and let go of that crutch. 

He kissed another girl. He didn't have sex with her, he's not still in contact with her, and unless it was left out or I just missed it, you don't mention that there was anything besides the kiss between them (no ongoing thing, a friendship, etc.). So, I think if you've seen he's not doing anything, it may be time to acknowledge that he's proven himself trustworthy again and let it go. Once he sees that you've let it go, maybe he'll relent a little and let you have the passwords again. 

And if you seriously can't let go and trust him, then you have to ask yourself why. Is it your own issue, that you are insecure and just not willing to trust him? Or is it something about him, maybe a gut feeling that there IS something going on there that you shouldn't trust him? And be honest with yourself when you ask yourself those questions.


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## Stuie (Jul 23, 2010)

He was out of line and needs to *earn back that trust*. If he expects you to blindly trust him after what he did, that's just wrong.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

This is kind of tough.

What I've always told my wife is that I didn't feel I had a right to read her messages (unless they were HIGHLY suspicious), but that I had the right to know who she was talking to and some idea of how often.

A kiss isn't a deal-breaker for most people. His follow-up to her wasn't that terrible. And you questioning him about facebook before doesn't look real good either.

Still - him closing everything up isn't the answer. You guys need to work together and find some common, reasonable boundaries in your marriage.


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## hopelessly_devoted (Jun 23, 2010)

it was only a kiss. and there was never any other contact with her before this happened, and only the one message after. 

i want to trust him so bad. this is the only thing he has ever done to make me not trust him. i do start feeling really good and start to trust him but when i start to think about how he changed all of his passwords... it just looks so bad! so i say something to him about it, and i get the same things. he doesnt get where im coming from and has said things like 'i know what i did was wrong. but it wasnt an affair, it wasnt sex... it was one drunken kiss. you are making a big deal out of it.' that hurts me. my husband kissed another woman. i think its a pretty freakin big deal. yes, it could have be worse. and im glad it wasnt anything more... but it still is a big deal.


i am worried he will never agree with me on this issue, and that me bringing it up will only make him frustrated with me and eventually cause us to have issues. so i feel like i have to do things his way, or no way. and its not fair.


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## writing2010 (Aug 5, 2010)

Did the kiss happen before you were married? How long ago was that? Was it only a kiss? Other physical contact involved?

I understand your concerns and you have a right to be reassured by your husband, but there has to be a limit to how far you're allowed to go before you have to take the steps to building trust. If this is just the one incident, maybe trying to give him his autonomy back would be a way to go. If it's reoccurring problem, or if he's actually had sex with someone else, yes go to the extreme. 

I don't know, if I got drunk and kissed another guy, I wouldn't want to be held accountable for it forever. Plus, I would be willing for my husband to check out my email, fb, phone, etc....but not to comment on what I said to my buddies which has nothing to do with the incident. If I felt as though my being open to my husband is causing judgments for my every actions, I would want my privacy back.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Have you tried talking to him about openness and privacy in a marriage without referring to the kiss?

Maybe something like - "I know that I've invaded your space in the past - and maybe went a bit too far by reading some of your messages to friends, but I would like for us to talk a little bit about openness and honesty. I feel like we should be able to trust each other and that all of our e-mail, phone and other accounts should be open and shared."

You would probably need to make some sort of promise to not snoop if he agrees to open things up.

It really sounds like you've both done a couple of stupid things (you calling him out on FB messages to buddies and his kiss and password changes) - and things are just snowballing.

But of course you can't show him that you'll be more considerate of his privacy unless he opens the accounts and gives you that chance. So I "think" its his move. If you trust him, give him a little time and space before bringing it up again.

Good luck.


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## hopelessly_devoted (Jun 23, 2010)

the kiss happened after we were married. it was about 3 months ago or so. we have been married since february (so early in our marriage for this to be happening =( ) there was no other physical contact according to the both of them. nothing like this has ever occured before, so yes it was just this one time.

i have totally stopped bringing it up. our last fight was over the fact that he felt i kept bringing it up and wasnt letting it go. anytime i would get mad or things would get heated... my mind would go back to what he did and things would come out of my mouth about it. that has stopped. i do not want to, nor will i keep this hanging over his head forever. but i will never forget it.

and he totally needs his privacy. thats why i am so torn and am not sure what to do about this situation. he does have very valid points and i understand why he doesnt want me checking up on his every move. but at the same time, if he said 'sure babe here are my passwords, i have nothing to hide' i would be so damn relieved. the fact that hes not doing that is what makes me think... well what the heck is going on? why not? when i was snooping through his phone a month after it happened, he was logged into his facebook. so i went through his inbox... nothing bad. but then when i saw his outbox, thats when i found he sent her a message. i demanded all of his passwords right at that moment because i was shocked he hid this from me all that time and wanted to make sure he wasnt hiding anything else. so while he stood behind me, i went through his emails (he has 2 email accounts. one i had the password to, the other i did not) and facebook. i didnt find anything else. thank god. but the next day was when he locked his phone and changed every single password. thats when he started saying he had had enough and would not be snooped on anymore and was not going to deal with what he did that night. im sorry but all he delt with was me finding out something he did wrong and reacting to it.


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## hopelessly_devoted (Jun 23, 2010)

niceguy- i guess i havent really presented a conversation to him like that. its been more me saying thats what i think i need to trust him again after what he did, and how i think i have every right to do so. and then its him saying he will not live being snooped on and checked up on. so i will have to try to bring it up more in the way you said.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am with nice guy. My H and I both have each others passwords to everything and access to each others phones. My H cheated about two years ago and I have known for about 10 months. At first I thought I should have everything of his, but when he brought up my facebook and email, I said sure, go ahead. Wrote a list of all of our passwords on one paper and put them in the filing cabinet. Now he will actually call and ask me to check his email for something, and sometimes I do the same. Much easier that way!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I don't mean to make light of it, but it sounds like a classic case of a newlywed argument just getting taken out of context and going too far. One of you has to give a little, and hopefully the other will do the same in return.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there, 

We all know that it is wrong to kiss another woman while you are married. This is not acceptable....
Make sure your husband knows and sounds like he already does that you will not put up with this if he wants to stay married to you.
Now that this point is clear you yourself said you were getting along great better than before, keep it like that and he won't even consider anyone else......
Read the books His Needs, Her Needs and work together to have a great marriage.
You need to forgive him his mistake and move on. Tell him it would mean the world to you to have an open marriage and that means that nothing is off limits between the two of you but tell him it's up to him. Tell him he is welcome to look at your communication with others at any time.....
Maybe when he doesn't feel under the gun he will give you the passwords again and he won't feel uncomfortable......
My husband was guilty of keeping a mental note about things I did wrong and said over the years......don't start by doing this....hanging it over my head.......accept him as he is, love him for who he is......a little bump in the road, nothing more unless you make it more.....


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

It sounds like you'd be insecure whether you had the passwords or not, even if he hadn't kissed the girl. I can understand having full disclosure whenever the one asks to see an e-mail, text, etc., but having to have the passwords to make sure the other doesn't cheat is a bit ridiculous to me unless it's during a rebuilding process for an affair or something. If someone wants to cheat having access to passwords means absolutely nothing. You can't stop them and it's torture to be in a relationship where you feel like you have to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

he was wrong to kiss the girl. He wasn't wrong to apologize. I don't see it as an attempt to start something, especially if that was the only contact.

you have admitted that you have a history of reading his stuff and then fighting about it. Maybe he feels that it is better just to keep you out of his stuff than to listen to you complain about something he wrote.

Unless you have reason to believe his is cheating on you, drop the subject. let the dust settle and maybe down the road he will be more open about his passwords. but if you are going to make it an issue, he will just dig in his heels.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You said you were working to get over your insecurity issues. Does that mean you have other issues that have affected your relationship? Do you question where he goes? Who he sees? Stuff like that?


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## hopelessly_devoted (Jun 23, 2010)

thank you all for your responses. i really do appreciate all of the insight from an outsiders point of view.

in my heart, i do not feel like he is cheating on me at all. in my head, im thinking 'well he did it once, who's to say it wont happen again?' which i know is me being negative. i have faith that he will not make the same mistake again. 

what bothers me the most is that he is so un-willing to be so open with me like we were before. but what chris taylor said above about him just not wanting to have an argument that stems from me reading his things like i did in the past, i see now that him doing this is to prevent me from reading something i may take the wrong way and him not wanting to fight rather than him actually trying to hide some things from me. 

turnera- yes. my insecurity issues have caused some problems in the past. nothing major. but its always been the main source of almost every fight. i did have slight trust issues before all of this ever happened. he mentioned at times he felt controlled and was always very bothered that he felt like i didnt trust him. he felt that i overreacted to certain things. i can say, i trusted him more than anyone. but i guess he was right in that i always would worry everytime he went out or whatever that he would drink and be around girls and something would happen. i expressed these feelings to him. and look how it ended up. it DID happen. we are young, we drink, we go out. temptation is everywhere and he is a very attractive man, and i know how girls work. girls have flirted with him and hit on him in front of me... so of course i was worried what would happen when i wasnt around. after what he did he realized he cant go out and get that drunk and put himself in those types of situations. nor should i. but it did affect my already existing insecurities.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

something else you need to remember...when someone feels like they're being accused of doing something, they often feel like they should do it so that at least when they're being "punished", it's for something they actually did. Now, I am NOT trying to blame you, although it may sound that way. But, what I am trying to say is that if you were always telling him that you were worried he would go out, get drunk, and cheat...eventually he may have felt that if you were going to think he was going to do that, he might as well do it. Now, again, I'm not blaming you, because even if he felt that way, he chose to act on it. What you need to do is to constantly remind yourself that he chose to be with you. 

I have insecurities, too. But rather than tell my boyfriend how I worry that this will happen, or that will happen, I remind myself that if he wanted to do this or that, he could save himself a lot of hassle by not being with me and going out and doing it. Instead, he's with me. So...insecure or not, there must be something good about me that he loves, or he wouldn't be here. Which means I have nothing to worry about. You need to work on trying to think in a similar way. It's ok every now and then to express to him that you're feeling a bit insecure and need some reassurance, but try to break the habit of telling him all the time that you think he'll do this or that. Instead of looking for things to reinforce your worries that he'll cheat, look for things to reinforce your belief that he loves you and wants you and only you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok then. You have turned him into a man who loves being around you and feels GOOD to a man who WORRIES when he's around you that HE will be made to feel BAD. 

The more you do these things, the sooner he will divorce you.

He CHOSE you. If you can't learn to let this go - and go find a good therapist and start going regularly to get over your self-esteem issues that cause your jealousy - he will pull away more and more and more.

This is ALL on you now.


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## hopelessly_devoted (Jun 23, 2010)

atruckersgirl- i realize that my actions contributed to what he did. i do. and i learned from that. like i said, i have been working on my insecurities and i have made some progress. i do not voice my every worry or question him as i use to. i tend to keep things more to myself and really think about things before i say something, if i choose to say something at all. this whole situation has forced me to change my ways with things. i am going to try to think more like you do. when i get a negative thought about what he might be doing or could do, ill think about good things. thank you =)

turnera- that did use to be me. thats not me anymore. thats not the person i want to be. thats why i wanted to come here first for opinions before bringing up the password issue to him again and risking another fight. after everyones feedback, i think i am going to let it go. not bring it up... atleast not until quite some time has passed. he knows how i feel about the issue, and he chose to keep those things private still. so theres nothing more i can say anyway. we have been doing very good so itd be a shame to ruin it over that again.


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

If he changed passwords on everything and doesn't want to share them with you, he probably has something else to hide. 

My H had and EA with someone and he changed all the passwords (when I used to have them) and had a password on his phone when he didn't before. When I found out about it, he told me the same thing that he needed his privacy. There is a difference between privacy and deceit. 

I feel he hasn't stopped communicating with the OW. He may not use the cell phone (because I can still check records) but he is hiding out in his room with the laptop. He is always online and I know that he is using a IM program to communicate with someone. 

And even if he divulged the passwords to his e-mail and phone, what is to stop him from creating a new one. I know of 4 e-mails that my H has. A new one added just a few weeks ago. There are so many free e-mails sources that can go to different addresses. You won't know about them if he doesn't tell you. The only reason I know about the different e-mails is that the cell phone records show him sending multi-media to them.


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