# In danger of becoming a WAW



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Today my H & I had a huge fight, probably one of the worst I can remember. It was over his family; his sisters & mother.

The background is that MIL got very cranky when our 2nd son explained to her that after 6.5 years of working for her, he had to find a better paying job as his wife is pregnant. MIL told him to leave in 4 weeks whether he had a job or not and then stopped talking to him.

Previous issues include MIL moving her eldest daughter & granddaughter into the rental property our eldest son lived in, despite him not really wanting that. This daughter then took over our son's job, forcing him into a role that was not suited to him. (all at MIL's business)

One Christmas MIL's husband told my family who were visiting they were all ar**holes. That upset the kids, my family and myself.

Through all of this my H makes excuses for their behaviour and refuses to ask them to back off or in any way stand up for the kids & myself.

Today, one of his sisters facebooked our DIL and accused her of forcing our son to leave his job and complaining how hard it was for the company. Son called me, DIL forwarded me the message, I told H and he refused to do anything. He refused to believe that his mother was spreading poison about our son, however, that is the only place SIL could have got her info from, as this sister lives out of town.

I was mad and I told him that he always throws the kids & I to the wolves to protect his mother. He even told me last year if his mother & I were falling over a cliff he would grab his mother.

He got very mad back and called me a f***** bi***. This is the first time he has ever called me names. I am gutted. I realized that I am not anywhere near top in his affections and I never will be.

Now mind you, this precious mother has never visited us in 7 years. She regularly goes to the city an hour south of us and has to pass close by where we live, but never calls in. Even when we lived in the same town, she never visited.

I now know what is missing in our relationship and why I don't feel cherished. I am not cherished. I have no idea why he came back after his PA all those years ago. I guess he thought I was better than nothing.

I am in the process of contacting counselors, if he will not agree to marriage counseling when I get the info back, I do not see how I can put up with this. I would rather be on my own and lonely than in a relationship and lonely.

I don't know what to do, I am gutted. Truly gutted. What is my life worth?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

But you took him back, so apparently you thought he was better than nothing. You should have gotten rid of him then, but it's not too late. What do you mean you don't know what to do? Stop being a victim and get rid of him. You can do better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Bellavista said:


> I was mad and I told him that he always throws the kids & I to the wolves to protect his mother. He even told me last year if his mother & I were falling over a cliff he would grab his mother.


I might answer the question the same way, if my mother was not physically well and I thought my wife had a better chance of surviving on her own. *Look, you really shouldn't force people into "all or nothing" questions like that, there is no good answer.* How would you answer the same question if it were two of your children falling off a cliff? It's not a fair question.



> _He got very mad back and called me a f***** bi***. This is the first time he has ever called me names. I am gutted. I realized that I am not anywhere near top in his affections and I never will be._


It sounds like both of you got angry and said things you will regret later. Not defending him, just pointing out what this looks like. 



> _Now mind you, this precious mother has never visited us in 7 years. _


If this MIL behaves the way you describe, then that's a good thing, isn't it??

But if your husband is so devoted to his mother, then I don't understand why she never visits. Seems like he should be upset by now. Maybe he's not as devoted to her as you think?



> _I am in the process of contacting counselors, if he will not agree to marriage counseling when I get the info back, I do not see how I can put up with this. I would rather be on my own and lonely than in a relationship and lonely._


Understandable.



> _I don't know what to do, I am gutted. Truly gutted. What is my life worth?_


Hang in there and remember that your life's worth isn't determined by your husband.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I believe the devotion to his mother stems from childhood trauma. his father left when he was7, but before he left h was the only one of the 3 kids who was beaten. his mother was young and h ad pressure on him to look after her and his siblings. 

he also seems to have this idea that he can't upset his mother or she will abandon him too. he is a little boy in a man's body who has never and will never deal with his father's rejection. he never saw him again.

h just told me he sees no need for counseling so I will go alone. perhaps I can learn to take care of my emotions and watch what I say. 

for lifeistooshort, yes I did take him back, yes I did settle and if I was to leave I think would stay on my own. I have no desire to seek out another partner, I am rather reclusive.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Your husband's devotion to his mother goes beyond what most spouses would tolerate. And btw, I wouldn't have any problem answering that question -- I'd save my wife. I don't think it's unfair, and it's not like he said "I can't choose," or "I don't know." He actually CHOSE HIS MOTHER OVER HIS WIFE. It doesn't get any clearer than that.

Now, what are you going to do about it? I would say that after all your efforts, change seems pretty unlikely, so your choices are pretty much stay and deal, or leave. No matter how many times you come to TAM for "advice," this isn't going to change. You're still going to be stuck.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Don't know if it makes a difference or not, but you don't sound like a WAW. One of those would have left silently after reaching her fill of having her MIL mistreat her children. Sounds like you've made things pretty clear about how you've felt.

To be honest, it sounds like all your lives have been too entwined with his family, for whatever reason. Working with them, living in their properties, etc. Not something I would have chosen to do, and I didn't mind my STBX in-laws. Maybe that's just me.

Your idea of counselling on your own is a good one, since your husband refuses to go. It's a good opportunity to get some input on your situation and yourself. Your husband is making it clear that he's not interested in changing, so the only thing you can work at changing is yourself.

C


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

So much drama...

My wife's MIL (yes, my mother), is also a drama queen. My wife laughs her off, as do I and our kids. It takes two to make the drama affect our lives.

You kind of like drama too, don't you? You can admit it.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I am sorry about your situation.

"Today, *one of his sisters face booked our DIL *and accused her of forcing our son to leave his job and complaining how hard it was for the company. *Son called me, DIL forwarded me the message,* *I told H* and he refused to do anything. He refused to believe that his mother was spreading poison about our son, however, that is the only place SIL could have got her info from, as this sister lives out of town."

I am sorry to point this out but, everyone needs to mind their own business. Your son needs to deal with your MIL if he thinks she is stepping out of line. Other than that, I will side with your husband in not doing anything. Not that I don't believe he has issues that need to be resolved. 

Now because he was so aggressive and mean with you, I don't think you deserve that treatment from a man that you gave a second chance to. I think you should look into the IC as you plan to so you can make better choices for yourself.


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## reef3314 (Nov 13, 2013)

I admit that I stick up for my mom a lot when my wife complains about her but if my mom ever called her a name, especially something that harsh, ties would be cut for some time. He needs to really step it up and have a chat with his family. Maybe cut them out of your lives for a little. My FIL is an ******* to my wife. She went without speaking to him for 5 years and the only reason she started again was bc I convinced her to call the day our daughter was born. She started getting closer to him and we all hung out for the holidays, until...One day after my wife got off the phone with him both parties never hung up. She overheard him saying some really bad things about her and even made up lies that I know for a fact weren't true. I was there for the particular instance. That being said, she has cut off contact with him again for nearly a year. Point is, some family members are just not what's right for the family


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

If I'm reading this correctly, the "kids" are actually grown adults. Yes? If so, then I understand your husband stepping back from it. 

Unless there's a cultural norm that I'm missing here...

They're adults involved in business together, and happen to be related. This is something your adult son needs to sort out on his own with his employer and landlord(your MIL) and his coworker(your SIL). 

This is one of the issues with mixing family and business. To do that you really have to understand the nuances of it and maintain the appropriate boundaries for it to be successful. Those boundaries can vary a lot based on the situation and the familial bonds. I've been in this spot before. I ended up walking away and it damaged my family bonds for a quite some time until others collected themselves about it all.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

will update tomorrow night. am away and it is too hard to post on tablet


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

Bellavista said:


> I believe the devotion to his mother stems from childhood trauma. his father left when he was7, but before he left h was the only one of the 3 kids who was beaten. his mother was young and h ad pressure on him to look after her and his siblings.
> 
> he also seems to have this idea that he can't upset his mother or she will abandon him too. he is a little boy in a man's body who has never and will never deal with his father's rejection. he never saw him again.
> 
> ...


This statement tells me your H is not aware of the seriousness of your need for counseling with him. He is not aware that his marriage is on the line. This would be crucial information for him to hear and know (if he cares)
. You then can see if he will fight for you. If he is not willing to fight for the marriage, then there is no point to you going to counseling to try to fix the marriage. You need to have a conversation letting him know you are done playing second place to his mom. Let him know that the days of allowing her to disrespect you and your children are over. 
You also need to stand up to the MIL. Your kids need to see that from you. It sounds that right now the only 2 voices being herd are your MIL and your H, and for the kids sake that is a mistake and you take partial blame for it. You need to put a stop to it. You need to be stronger.
Have you ever directly asked her why she cannot make the trip to your home when she is driving through? Have you ever directly asked her to stop the personal attacks? Have you ever let her know how you feel?


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Indeed, it is your MIL's business, not yours. She probably has her way of dealing with employees, family or not and business needs to be.. business. Nobody is untouchable. Your son being given a month in advance to leave is his problem. He's a grown man, he will figure it out. 

You are just making it more complicated for your H to chose between you and his mother. From your story, he has childhood baggage that will almost never ever go away and it is not his fault. It's his parents fault. You have to remember, before you, it was his mom and they had to stick out rough situations most likely to survive. He was a kid looking out for his mom and sisters. He is FAR from a little boy trapped in a mans body. He had to GROW UP when kids like me were in arcades all day. 

I've seen a lot of situations like these. If he never called you those names, then it's obvious he was pushed to that point. He will always be tied up with his mom because of his past. 

You already know what you should be doing [i.e. packing your bags] but it seems as he has the same spell over you that his mom has over him.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Hey Bella. It sounds like you and your husband have enough problems without bring other people into it. I'd let your son (who's a grown man if he's been working for 6 1/2 years) handle his own problems and you and your husband focus on your marriage. 

No need to complicate life.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I get it. It's about defending your family, no deflecting anger. Bella wants her husband to defend his wife and kids. Bella's H is deflecting everyone's anger and trying to sooth things over. Which only pisses her off more. I totally get it! If he would just validate her anger and take a small step to defend his wife and kids, she wouldn't feel so alone, isolated, and ganged up on.

At the same time, your kids need to be the adults they are and taking up their battles isn't your place either.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Bellavista said:


> Now mind you, this precious mother has never visited us in 7 years. She regularly goes to the city an hour south of us and has to pass close by where we live, but never calls in. Even when we lived in the same town, she never visited.
> QUOTE]
> 
> I would consider that lucky for you that she bypassed your house on the way to the city. Why would you want a pain in the ass like that when you have one of your own in your husband?
> ...


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I'm in a sorta similar family situation. My wife at times thinks I don't stand up for her enough. But you know the saying you can only change yourself. No matter how hard my wife complains (or nags), I can't change them. Can I do better vis-a-vis them? Yes. But ultimately can I make them act the way I (and she) want, no.

Not knowing your exact dynamic is it him or them?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I get it. It's about defending your family, no deflecting anger. Bella wants her husband to defend his wife and kids. Bella's H is deflecting everyone's anger and trying to sooth things over. Which only pisses her off more. I totally get it! If he would just validate her anger and take a small step to defend his wife and kids, she wouldn't feel so alone, isolated, and ganged up on.
> 
> At the same time, your kids need to be the adults they are and taking up their battles isn't your place either.


You could be right Anon. Understanding Bella's anger and defending her is important. I hope Bella's husband can stop with the name calling. Lot's of resentment there. 

I just know that I personally disagree with taking it upon ourselves to fix our grown kid's problems or to protect their honor, etc. I think it's crippling and devastating to their ability to take ownership and responsibility for their own lives. I know it's hard though.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

LanieB said:


> And she would really like it if he wouldn't call her a f*****g b***h. Let's not forget that lovely name.


Oh yes. This is a problem it's not easy to recover from.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

So sorry your going through this.I have a very strong controlling mother and in the past I had to step in and tell her to 
stop it.

The MIL never visits your house and your husband still stands up
for her.I can understand why your so hurt.

Most MIL's try to do everything for there grandkids,I always
thought.

I guess your husband,has never ever confronted her about 
anything.

This will never change.

Good Luck,what ever you decide to do


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Thanks to everyone who responded. I have decided that at the very least, I am going to try some IC, (H is mystified as to why I asked him to attend MC together, he says that we are fine). I need to address my passive aggressiveness, apparent co-dependency, and my inability to stand up to people who trample all over me.

Then, when we have family functions, which I hope are few & far between, if H's family begin to act up, I will tell them to pull their heads in. I am past the point of caring about how they feel and how it would make me look.

What I am going to do about the fact that I feel like I am not cherished and valued, I don't know. Perhaps IC will help with that as well.

For the time being, I will stay put, I told H I wanted us to improve our communication and talk on a deeper level, He responded that we do talk. Sure, but mostly it is about our business and the kids.

Regarding my son, yes he can stand up for himself, he is 22. The issues with his aunts and things they say/do to others have been going on for a long time. The problem is, my MIL & SILs display narcissistic type behaviours, they seem incapable of seeing how their actions affect other people and how other people might feel. I am seeing the same in my H. I feel like some scales are being removed from my eyes.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I'm glad you're looking into IC Bellavista. Maybe the councellor can help you make it more clear to your husband that there are problems. His denial may be part of why you don't feel valued since he's not acknowledging how you feel about things. In the end he'll have to give value to you and your feelings or things wan't get better.

I agree with you that about standing up for yourself. Civility is nice (and is my normal mode of operation) but sometimes bluntness is needed. Usually it doesn't have to be loud or angry, just to the point and blunt and sincere. Especially sincere.

About your son, trust me I know how it feels to see them get treated in ways you don't like. I guess the think I was getting at before is to try to stay out of "fix it" mode. It's very easy to get sucked in to that for most parents. Me included.

Good luck.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Hey Bella,

After things cooled down did your husband apologize?


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

krismimo said:


> Hey Bella,
> 
> After things cooled down did your husband apologize?


Yes, he did apologise for calling me names. He said it hurt deeply when I said he does not defend his family, meaning the kids & I.

Later he asked if I wanted him to talk to his sister, but I declined, as I had already done so.

In the future I am just not going to take any crap from his family.


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