# Your take here?



## lderv (Dec 27, 2013)

I have been married for 4 years- we have 2 young kids. My husband makes a lot more than me. I have a good career and am working part time.
Our relationship has been through a lot of problems basically since we had kids- which was pretty quick into the marriage- about 1 year in.
We came in very independent. We had separate bank accounts, credit cards, homes from before we were married.
My issues with him: he appears to have a very mine and yours mentality. 
He bought a car almost 50K with a bare mention to me beforehand. He bought a luxury car with only 2 doors- although we have 2 kids and he's told me that he doesn't want to put a car seat in the car- he's had the car for more than 6 months and he's never taken our kids in his car.
He only recently added me to his bank account after a very long fight over the issue. In the past he has threatened me with "things". Saying I could leave because the house was his- it is in his name. This is something we've fought about.
One time he canceled a credit card he had given me because I left after a fight- he said he was worried I would spend it. Recently when I left after a fight, he told me that I had to leave the phone and the car because they were "his".
Since that fight he said he wouldn't say those things to me anymore.
He is refusing therapy- we've been in the past.
As far as my issues-
I can be very hostile and I don't get over thing easily . We've had fights every weekend for about a month and I was the initiator. It was over issues that he sort of refuses to deal with- trust and problems from his parents divorce and how they affect him/us. But none the less I started the fights and can be cold when Im upset.
From my perspective he is distant and refuses to see the yours/ mine mentality as a problem. And from his perspective he thinks I am an angry B**** that will never be happy no matter what he does.
I am really lost. I am seeing counseling this coming week- without him because he doesn't want to go. Any insight?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you? 

Did the two of you discuss who you were going to run your finances before you married?

It sounds like he is resentful of his financial obligations. How do you split the bills? Does he pay them all? Split 50/50? or by % of income?

His buying a car that will not allow his children to ride with him is very telling. IT sounds like he thinks that the kids are yours alone.

When he tries to kick you out of the house, does he expect you to take the children with you?

He cannot kick you and/or the children out of the house. It does not matter if he owns it. It's your legal residence. Depending on the state, you are also entitled to 50% of the equity in the house that has accrued since you married. It does not matter whose name it on the it. 

You are also entitle to drive the car no matter whose name is on it since you are married to him.

Counseling is a good idea.. you need to do this.

You also need to see an attorney to find out your rights. Do this whether you stay with him or not. This way you will know where you stand legally.

You need to stop fighting with him. You are clearly unhappy. He clearly does not care to work on the marriage. 

So work on yourself. Interact with him according to the 180 (see link below). You can customize it to your situation. But the point is to emotionally disengage from him. If he gets to a point where he is ready to work on the marriage and you have not yet left him, then you can explore that.

You probably need to start working full time so that he cannot blackmail you like he is.

How is your sex life? Is there one?


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## lderv (Dec 27, 2013)

We are in our mid 30s. I didn't anticipate finances to be a big issues prior to marriage- we didn't have firm plans. I was okay with having separate accounts until we had kids. I pushed the issue when I realized how resistant he was to combining and how much he has a single man mentality.
He has issues from his parent's divorce where he doesn't trust financially.
He pays the majority of our bills. But he makes much more than me and he has told me he doesn't want me to work any more than I do. I pay for our health insurance, for the house that I purchased prior to marriage, for groceries, gas, kids items, etc. 
He pays for the home we live in, for car insurance, internet, etc.
The last time he told me I could not take the car (after I said I was leaving) I walked to a store called a cab and went to walmart to purchase a phone. when I got back he said he wouldn't do it again and said I could keep the phone and car if I left.
I will go to counseling because I am part of the problem.
He doesn't want to talk about his parent's divorce or how it affected him- I think it's part of the reason we are where we are... 
I thought about starting to work full time- I can do that, but I feel like my relationship with my kids would suffer because I would be less available. also he doesn't do a lot to help out at home - so I would probably be more resentful then I am now. also I am still breastfeeding, and working more would probably end that.
We have had sex a few times in the past 3 months.
We have a 2 yr old and infant though, so sex isn't priority right now.
he resisted adding me to the bank account. he has resisted putting me on the house deed ( I am still not on it).
But I think he does care about us? I'd rather not separate. 
Also he said he didn't want to be involved with the kids if we divorce.
I know that sounds really bad, he's said it several times. But he is good with the kids- He acts like he cares about them. He does help me when I ask, but doesn't really initate. In the past we fought because he left all the kids stuff to me- but he tries more often now. 
What I am wondering is can these things change. He basically says a lot of the problems are related to the fact that "im not a nice person". I have been mean at times. I'd like some hope here.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

"Also he said he didn't want to be involved with the kids if we divorce."

Wow what jerk! I wouldn't want to be involved with someone like him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lderv (Dec 27, 2013)

mablenc said:


> "Also he said he didn't want to be involved with the kids if we divorce."
> 
> Wow what jerk! I wouldn't want to be involved with someone like him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yes, once I heard that I realized I made a big mistake in marrying him. But now that we are married, I want us to work things out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You do need to work on yourself first as starting fights and leaving are not productive ways to fix a marriage. It’s also important to figure out what things can be changed and what cannot. 

You cannot change him. You only have the power to change yourself. So that’s where you need to put the effort.

We teach people how to treat us. So far you have taught him to treat you just the way he is. Think on that for a while.

If you do, at some point, start working fulltime budget for someone to clean your house. You should not get stuck with all the house work if you are working.

I would have a very hard time staying with a guy who fathered children but would not want anything to do with them. Did you know that he does not care about children before you married him and had children with him? Of course if you did divorce, he’s be paying child support for years. Wonder if he realizes that?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lderv said:


> yes, once I heard that I realized I made a big mistake in marrying him. But now that we are married, I want us to work things out.


There is a balance between working things out and realizing that what you see is what you get. 

Since he refuses to work on the marriage, you are the one who is going to have to make all the changes and do all of the accommodating. You will have to become someone you are not.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

lderv said:


> What I am wondering is can these things change. He basically says a lot of the problems are related to the fact that "im not a nice person". I have been mean at times. I'd like some hope here.


These things can change but it will not be easy.

What you describe is true of many marriages and his experience with his parents divorce hardly helps.

You should take divorce off the table and focus on working on your marriage.

All marriages start from a similar position. Most couples learn along the way to think in terms of us instead of him/her (or, at least, to lean more in that direction). The more you talk about divorce the more he will assume a defensive position.

It may not seem fair that the burden is on you but if you are willing to face that reality it can be very liberating.


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## lderv (Dec 27, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You do need to work on yourself first as starting fights and leaving are not productive ways to fix a marriage. It’s also important to figure out what things can be changed and what cannot.
> 
> You cannot change him. You only have the power to change yourself. So that’s where you need to put the effort.
> 
> ...



He said if we divorced he wouldn't want to having anything to do with me- and that's why he wouldn't see them. He said he didn't want to have to deal with fighting about parenting issues/etc. He also said that if parents divorce that the kids hate them afterwards. his parents divorced when he was 12. His father was not involved much after that. It was an ugly divorce. he said his mom took all the money and bad talked his dad. He doesn't like other people's kids. I didn't know he would be like this about his own. I think he realizes that he'll have to pay.

He says he will stay in this marriage and "be miserable" for the kids- rather than get divorced. 
We have good times a well, but lately things haven't been good. and I can't get over the things he has said- I.e. kids comment, and divorce talk, and money stuff etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lderv, keep in mind that ladymisato believes that divorce is never acceptable. She has stated that even if a parent kills their children it's not a reason for a divorce.

Read her thread.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

lderv said:


> He says he will stay in this marriage and "be miserable" for the kids- rather than get divorced.


You can work with that!


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## lderv (Dec 27, 2013)

ladymisato said:


> These things can change but it will not be easy.
> 
> What you describe is true of many marriages and his experience with his parents divorce hardly helps.
> 
> ...


ladymisato-
I didn't know if this is a typical issue. therapists and a friend I've talked to didn't give me a lot of hope that he will change. I am not the one who typically brings up divorce- usually it's him. 
As far as what I can do- you mean counseling for myself? 
what else?
right now I am really angry at him and everything. so much so that I can't stand to be around him. And It's hard to sleep.
And I feel like I have a black cloud over me.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not sure where you live, but in most places in the civilized world, he doesn't get to say what's your's and what's his if the marriage fails. We pay judges to make those decisions and your husband probably won't like how a judge divides property and finances.

As a cop, I deal with domestic violence issues all the time and a few things make a spouse look like an abuser. Trying to prevent their mate from leaving, having finances, or access to a phone are very high on that list. Either you and he will figure out how to live together or you both will eventually stand before a judge. On that day, your husband doesn't want to be the guy who did the things you have described. In most states, the judge really doesn't care who paid for what or who's name a bill is under. 

If his financial security is important to him, the best way he can protect that is to keep his marriage. Divorces are expensive and so is running two households when one could suffice. Couples are going to argue. It's rather required and healthy to do so. It's not healthy to threaten each other. He's basically threatening to ruin you financially and you're threatening to leave. If the goal is to make the marriage work, I'd avoid threats. They create insecurity and it's tough to convince a spouse to work on a marriage they feel insecure in. You both need marriage counseling. Once you're both on the same team, some financial counseling probably wouldn't hurt.


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## lderv (Dec 27, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Not sure where you live, but in most places in the civilized world, he doesn't get to say what's your's and what's his if the marriage fails. We pay judges to make those decisions and your husband probably won't like how a judge divides property and finances.
> 
> As a cop, I deal with domestic violence issues all the time and a few things make a spouse look like an abuser. Trying to prevent their mate from leaving, having finances, or access to a phone are very high on that list. Either you and he will figure out how to live together or you both will eventually stand before a judge. On that day, your husband doesn't want to be the guy who did the things you have described. In most states, the judge really doesn't care who paid for what or who's name a bill is under.
> 
> If his financial security is important to him, the best way he can protect that is to keep his marriage. Divorces are expensive and so is running two households when one could suffice. Couples are going to argue. It's rather required and healthy to do so. It's not healthy to threaten each other. He's basically threatening to ruin you financially and you're threatening to leave. If the goal is to make the marriage work, I'd avoid threats. They create insecurity and it's tough to convince a spouse to work on a marriage they feel insecure in. You both need marriage counseling. Once you're both on the same team, some financial counseling probably wouldn't hurt.


The last time I left, I didn't threaten to leave for good. I leave to get my head cleared. I have threatened to leave- not for good- a few times. I have been gone for a few hours at a time. One time I intended on getting a hotel- went there- and came home that night because I felt bad.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

lderv said:


> ladymisato-
> I didn't know if this is a typical issue. therapists and a friend I've talked to didn't give me a lot of hope that he will change. I am not the one who typically brings up divorce- usually it's him.
> As far as what I can do- you mean counseling for myself?
> what else?
> ...


I think you need first to learn to live with him as he is. If you recondition living with him with his changing you will fail at both.

If he is bringing up divorce me may be using it more as a threat. Find out next time when he brings it up: he's not proposing divorce, you're not, so why is it a topic of discussion? Take it off the table.

Learn to live with this very flawed human being as he is. He's a jerk. Most men are at that age. Don't live your life under a cloud.

Focus on your kids and be kind to him and see how he reacts.

The therapists are wrong, people change and can be changed. But it is never easy, it takes time and patience. If you take the long view you can save your marriage and you may end up falling in love with him all over again.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

lderv said:


> The last time I left, I didn't threaten to leave for good. I leave to get my head cleared. I have threatened to leave- not for good- a few times. I have been gone for a few hours at a time. One time I intended on getting a hotel- went there- and came home that night because I felt bad.


There is a big difference between stepping out to cool off and leaving, even if not permanently. Make sure he understands that you just need space sometimes because you are really angry with him and that you are not "leaving".


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## lderv (Dec 27, 2013)

ladymisato said:


> There is a big difference between stepping out to cool off and leaving, even if not permanently. Make sure he understands that you just need space sometimes because you are really angry with him and that you are not "leaving".


Ive told him- he has major trust issues.
Divorce wasn't a big issue for my family- both grandparents were married till my grandfather's died and my parents have been married almost 40 years. 
So I don't have those issues.
I have other issues- related to anger.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lderv said:


> The last time I left, I didn't threaten to leave for good. I leave to get my head cleared. I have threatened to leave- not for good- a few times. I have been gone for a few hours at a time. One time I intended on getting a hotel- went there- and came home that night because I felt bad.


If you leave for a while to calm down, that's acceptable. You just need to tell him that's what you are doing.

If you leave to separate to make your point, you'd better be ready for the marriage to end.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

lderv said:


> Ive told him- he has major trust issues.
> Divorce wasn't a big issue for my family- both grandparents were married till my grandfather's died and my parents have been married almost 40 years.
> So I don't have those issues.
> I have other issues- related to anger.


You can work on your anger all by yourself. And mastering your anger will go a long way toward building his trust. I doubt you need "anger management" classes but perhaps some reading, meditating, and focusing will start you on the path.

I also had anger issues, so I speak from experience. My husband knew exactly how to push my buttons. Too often I was simply not in control of myself.

Once you realize how you sabotage yourself with your anger you will begin a path of change. Eventually, you will master your anger and you will look at the world and laugh because nothing can touch you.


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## lderv (Dec 27, 2013)

ladymisato said:


> You can work on your anger all by yourself. And mastering your anger will go a long way toward building his trust. I doubt you need "anger management" classes but perhaps some reading, meditating, and focusing will start you on the path.
> 
> I also had anger issues, so I speak from experience. My husband knew exactly how to push my buttons. I was not in control of myself.
> 
> Once you realize how you sabotage yourself with your anger you will begin a path of change. Eventually, you will master your anger and you will look at the world and laugh because nothing can touch you.


When I get upset I am a lot like my mother. She was hard to live with- very critical and would get upset over other things and take it out on us. I am not as bad as my mom- but can be negative/ cold/ critical. My husband has put up with a lot from me as far as dealing with a critical person.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

lderv said:


> When I get upset I am a lot like my mother. She was hard to live with- very critical and would get upset over other things and take it out on us. I am not as bad as my mom- but can be negative/ cold/ critical. My husband has put up with a lot from me as far as dealing with a critical person.


Don't think of your anger as a hereditary trait, think of it as a learned behavior. You can relearn. You can change.

There are few things more toxic to marriage than nagging. You didn't say that exactly but just wanted to put that on the table.


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## lderv (Dec 27, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If you leave for a while to calm down, that's acceptable. You just need to tell him that's what you are doing.
> 
> If you leave to separate to make your point, you'd better be ready for the marriage to end.


I thought about leaving for a few months and see if he changes or tries to change but I know that it would likely be the end.
He is resistant to me "forcing him" to try to change.
I think your suggestion of the 180 is a good place to start because right now I am so hostile that I don't do anything to help the situation. Space is what we need. the only problem is that when we fight he is less involved with the kids than normally so I feel like I get less of a break. And it's hard to be separate when the kids require a lot of time/work at this time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lderv said:


> I thought about leaving for a few months and see if he changes or tries to change but I know that it would likely be the end.
> 
> He is resistant to me "forcing him" to try to change.
> 
> I think your suggestion of the 180 is a good place to start because right now I am so hostile that I don't do anything to help the situation. Space is what we need. the only problem is that when we fight he is less involved with the kids than normally so I feel like I get less of a break. And it's hard to be separate when the kids require a lot of time/work at this time.


Most separations end in divorce. It's more of a stepping stone out of the marriage.

There are structured separations that are usually done with the guidance of a counselor. But in your case he's not going to want to work with a counselor.

Plus a major part of your problem is that he does not thing of 'us'. Separating will reinforce that.


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