# stbxw taking our son on vacation



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

A couple weeks ago my child's daycare provider took a week off for vacation so I booked the week off and took my son to see my parents half way across the country. My stbxw was very accomodating and cooperative and I was very appreciative.

Next month daycare lady is taking another week off and my stbxw was going to book it off and spend it with our son. Today she mentioned she wanted to take him on a trip and I was all for it until she mentioned she wanted to go to the city that she was going for her booty calls. It is a five hour drive and we did have a family trip there earlier this year before all this went down, there is a great waterpark that our son will have a blast in, except my stbxw has this whole social network there that directly enabled her affair(s) even wants to stay at her friends home where I suspect some of the affairs were happening in. A couple weeks ago she told me for no apparent reason that she broke it off with the guy she was having sex with there, however she befriended one of the girls he was friends with and she mentioned she wants to visit with her.

I do not see how she is going to be able to visit these people without our son being present and I am not comfortable with some of these people being in my child's life. We also have an agreement to not introduce any new romantic partners to our child until it is serious, and there is also a law in my province that allows both parents to request to meet any person who would spend any significant amount of time with my child. I also am now suspicious of whether she actually called it off with the guy. I could care less if she did but if she wants to go there to party she should not be bringing our son. This city is also in another province and she is not legally to travel with him outside of the province without my written consent.

Part of me just doesn't trust her judgement, but I'd probably be be fine if she were going to any other place. Anyways I told her I wasn't comfortable with it and that I'd sleep on it, but I'm pretty sure I am going to say no on this... I don't want to control her or punish her or rob her of any fun with our child, I just feel it is my job to protect him and I feel threatened by her choice to go there with him. So far she seems understanding of my view - the first time she went to that city to have some "time to herself" she betrayed my explicit trust and had an affair, the other time she went there for another booty call she lied about where she was to everybody.

Am I overstepping it by denying this? Obviously I am right to feel how I do I just don't understand why she needs to go to that particular place - she has a bunch of young friends there that know how to party, what fun is there in even bringing her son there, it is just a temptation for her to even be there in my mind.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I don't know if you can, based on any written agreement, but I sure as hell would try.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon, She just needs to understand and respect your concern on this. It involves your son, therefore, it involves you. Just go with your gut instinct and say no but also have a solution in mind that will work for all of you. Maybe suggest some better places for her to take him, where he AND SHE will have some real mother son bonding time. I would suggest just letting her know that you are not in agreeement for him to go to the place she wants to take him and provide her a list with other great places for her to take him to that she can opt to look at or not.

I would stand my ground on this. And I think she probably would understand how you are looking at this.

If she stonewalls you on this and she says she is going there anyways, then I would pull out the legal card and let her know you won't approve for her to take him out of province.

Why do these things have to be so hard!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

thanks BL. I do plan to stand my ground. I slept on it and have been calling to talk but she is not answering my call (don't know if shes been busy or is ignoring me) but I left the message saying no to this. Earlier she said she understands my concerns but I'm not sure if she thought sounding genuine was a way to just smooth it over for me or if she actually respects it. I have thought of several alternative suggestions.

The thing is she doesn't need to take him there to have fun at all but now my son has been saying he get another birthday at the waterslides (where we went for the trip last time and celebrated his bday), so now he is possibly going to feel let down about this even though there are other water parks around and even other fun things to do. My suspiscion is that she wants to party too, but she was just there to do that a couple weekends ago, so its not like she hasn't had a chance to catch up with those friends there.

I don't want to pull the legal card because I have no other family in the province, so family visits means travel and I don't to set it up for her to retaliate (should she decide to, which is also unknown right now).

Yeah, why so hard??


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

".... don't want to pull the legal card because I have no other family in the province, so family visits means travel and I don't to set it up for her to retaliate (should she decide to, which is also unknown right now)."

Yip, I see your point there so that's out of the question. What if you were to show your son a picture of online information on the other waterparks? Do you think he might think that it could be fun as well. That is after you and your stbxw have had a chance to talk and hopefully come to terms. I wouldn't show your son info on the other waterparks until after she agrees not to go back the town where her friends are. That way she won't think you are coercing your son into sabataging their trip and she might be more willing to agree. But after that, he might not be so disappointed if he can actually visually see that there are other places to go that have waterparks and other fun things to do. Just an idea to possibly get your son's possible disappointment out of the equation.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yeah I like the idea (there aren't a ton of equal alternatives, but the point is there are LOTS of different things she could be planning). It's not that I want to keep her from her friends, especially if she is alone all by herself to take care of our child - in other words she wanted to go there so it would be more fun for the both, its just that I don't know some of these people but they are a part of this OM's social circle, and W has said she doesn't plan to let him meet our son, I just really can't accept her word and she has a proven track record at not being truthful about this whole other city that she knows is completely separate from me... she now wants to bring my son to.

Why do I feel like the bad guy? I know she loves our son and I know we will have disagreements, but how else should I be looking at this? Am I overlooking something on her side of things, that could give me a little trust in her protection of my child - I just don't want him to have people coming and going in and out of his life, I am trying to protect him from the psychological damage this whole new way of life is going to cause for him, and I have no assurance that these new people in her life won't just come into his long enough to start making a bond and then leaving just as quick. Do I just tell W this and accept she will respect that? I feel like she is experimenting and not putting my child's welfare firs, but I could be wrong - at some point I will have to let go of this because she will always be his mom, and has demonstrated that she is capable of loving him and taking care of his basic needs.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Well, I can completely understand your concern, but now I think about it there isn't really much she can do with your son along. I mean, she already told you she will not have your son meet the OM, right? Well OK, so you go along with it. If she does have him meet the OM, there is no way she can hide that from you since your son will tell you anyway - so I think you are safe there. If she does, by chance, go back on her word and has him meet the OM, well then, I guess you know point forward what decisions you have to make about her taking your son out of town and you won't be second guessing yourself anymore.

I think the positive thing to think about here is that, she can't do anything with him that he won't come back and tell you about so that should give you some peace of mind. I am leaning towards just saying that you should let them go to whereever she wants to go and reiterate, in a nice way, your requests and/or demands on this trip. I have a feeling she does want to be with her friends but as long as it stays civil and she doesn't show disrespect for you in front of your son you will be fine. And I don't think she wants to put her son in the middle of all of this anyway so man, let her go and you take a week to do stuff for yourself! Go enjoy your week off with WHATEVER it is you want to do even if it is as simple as a cup of coffee outside.

I think she will do fine with your son and he will have a blast at the waterpark. I'd like to hear that you can break free and relax for a little while.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

BL, he's only 4. It is really hard on him right now because he so often can't find the words to express his feelings. The stress is showing on him, moreso in the past week. I met with IC today and we worked through this issue... and I am choosing for myself, whether I am right or wrong, to put up this boundary for my own sake. I will not give her my consent, this time, to travel out of the province and I will not sign a letter of consent.

I am sure it is very possible nothing bad would come of this trip for my son, but frankly I can't trust her nor has she given me any reason other than talking nicely about it to trust she is telling me the truth. Nearly everything she has told me about her social life in the past 4 months has been skewed by lies, and so far has kept her social life and family almost entirely separate. She is also taking a friend along with her and my son on this trip, one whom I am comfortable enough with and seems responsible and who knows our son already, but for all I know stbxw is just going to show off our child to her BF and possibly her BF to this friend.

I hope I am completely off base on this, however if she is still in the fog I have no idea how far her immature and selfish behavior would go right now. As far as I can tell she has this whole other secret life and it is not based on the same core values she demonstrated when we got married and started our family.

It just feels high risk for her to start mixing her family life with this new party place to me, and if something should happen to our child I'd be completely guilty if I didn't do what I could to govern that. I know I'm going to have to trust in her again where it concerns her duty as a mother. However I believe there is enough fact right now to justify my concerns so if even for the sake of practice I am making this boundary to protect my child and my rights as a parent. Like you say, worst case he meets this OM and down the road wonders who this guy was in mommy's life... but the fact is I just need honesty where it comes to him and to be able to trust in that, and that should be a reasonable expectation.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Wow Lon, only you know where her heart and her head is right now. Well, I think we both know where her head is right now (up her a$$) but that's neither here nor there. So of course you go with your instinct. The part about you being guilty if something were to happen to your son I don't quite agree with though; he is with HIS MOTHER so whatever happens during her watch, you can not be accountable for unless you are 100% sure he is in danger. BUT, I think you meant to say that you would FEEL guilty; that, I can surely see.

I am glad you are putting your foot down on this one though and going with your instincts, like I said, only you know who she truly has been for the last several months. Also, about your son only being 4; I think you may not be giving him enough credit on finding the words to express his feelings. I believe you will notice, not just by words but by the way his acts, whether or not something different affected him. But anyways, that isn't going to happen since you are not allowing her to take him there.

As for your parents living out of provicence, well, you can always have them come visit you if you're wife was to ever use the retaliation card. I am wondering though, in Canada, if you are legally divorced, does that law still apply that you can not take him out of the province without her consent and I wonder if the US has a similar law. I know that if you cross state boundaries for some things similar to this, it can be considered kidnapping which carries a serious federal offense charge. Man that would really suck.

BTW, I don't think I ever mentioned to you that I have two goddaughters that live in Canada. I haven't seen them in over 10 years. My W and I WERE planning to go visit them in 2009 before she was hit with the cancer thing and as you know, it's been a downhill slide for our relationship (me and W) since then so maybe some day soon I can see them. I have watched them grow up via facebook and talk to them and their mom on the phone but that's about it.

Anyway, stick to your game plan if that is what you feel is the right thing to do. I'll PM you.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Thanks BL... yeah I do feel like I'm possibly slightly over-reacting about how much "threat" my son is facing. But if for nothing else this is an exercise for me to set a boundary, one which feels like a big enough challenge to help me grow as a single half-time parent.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon said:


> Thanks BL... yeah I do feel like I'm possibly slightly over-reacting about how much "threat" my son is facing. But if for nothing else this is an exercise for me to set a boundary, one which feels like a big enough challenge to help me grow as a single half-time parent.


Yes true, as there is pretty good possibility you will have to make very similar type decisions in the future so establishing a "boundary" now would draw a line in the sand as to how much you would be willing to bend later.


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