# I feel trapped and have no one to talk to



## Married2Young (Nov 5, 2009)

First - let me say I'm sorry to all of you who have been cheated on. Let the hate mail begin. I 'cheated' on my wife of 13 years by getting involved with another woman emotionally - no sex, but kissing and texting / talking. I am not proud of it, however, it seemed to have brought out some other issues that I haven't dealt with in my marriage and myself.

I told my wife about it after a couple of weeks. I did it because the guilt was bothering me and I was hoping she would kick me out. She was extremely hurt, but she doesn't believe in divorce and wanted to work through things. At the time, me and the other woman were on the outs anyway - because she didn't like me telling my wife.

In the mean time, we have began talking again. I love this woman and feel like I have more of a future with her than with my wife. We have been seeing each other under the radar for the last couple of weeks and have fallen in love with each other. Yes - as I said, let the hate mail begin. I know I am doing wrong...

The problem is that I don't want to reconcile. I want a new life. This kind of thinking goes against every kind of thinking that I was brought up with. My wife and I are "christians" - I say it that way, cuz I know I am not living a christian life right now. I also know that divorce is going to be extremely tough on my wife as well as my children. Yes - more hate mail. I love this new woman and I want to start a new life with her. I know there is a chance that it won't work out...and I am willing to take that chance and be left with nothing. But I know I haven't been happy with my wife for a couple of years at least. She is a wonderful person and loves me with all her heart, but I don't love her the same way.

Im thinking seriously about moving to another state because we are so integrated in our church that I will be an outcast if I divorce and my city is too small to live with that judgement. However, the reality of not seeing my kids anymore is going to hit me in my heart too.

I have told this other woman that I love her and will divorce my wife because of my past marital problems. And I can't imagine that this woman isn't also part of my reason for seeking divorce. Im beginning to feel trapped by my emotions - the fear of seeing my wife in so much pain while at the same time, wanting to go. My wife doesn't deserve this treatment and I know she doesn't deserve divorce, so either way I am the one that is screwing this all up. But I am not happy either and have no ambition to work things out.

Anyway - there is much more to the story, but that is about all I can write for now. The woman works at the same company I do. The company is owned by one of my family members. My family will most likely forsake me if I divorce. It gets better (sarcasm)...

Does anyone out there have any constructive advice for me other than to tell me that I have done something so entirely wrong and stupid that I should be castrated?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Married2Young said:


> Does anyone out there have any constructive advice for me other than to tell me that I have done something so entirely wrong and stupid that I should be castrated?


what sort of advice were you looking for?


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## searching4marbles (Dec 22, 2009)

OK, this is my first post, but I must say, dude, I sympathize with you. First of all, forget all this castration and self-hatred stuff. I'm not saying what you did was right, but you sound like a decent person, and let's face it, none of us are perfect. As far as I'm concerned, anybody that would condemn you out of hand is a self-righteous clown. Just my opinion. 

Life and love are complicated things. Sometimes we marry the wrong person, sometimes we just grow apart. Personally, I'm not a religious person so I don't have any hangups about marriage being all holy or anything. In fact, I'm struggling with a similar problem right now, although I haven't cheated. But I've wanted to. I've been married for 4 years and my wife and I have a 1 year old son. I've been kinda unhappy for a while now, but I didn't really realize until this past summer when I developed a huge crush on a co-worker. I knew it was wrong, and I didn't even tell this co-worker because I knew nothing could come out of it. But I obsessed about this woman and really wanted her. My wife and I had a big fight, and in the interest of full disclosure, I told her about this other woman. We were on the brink of divorce, because I told her I wasn't sure I loved her anymore, but I decided to stay and work it out. Things got better for a while but I'm already having 2nd thoughts again. I still think about this other woman, and I just can't seem to muster the feelings that a husband should have for his wife. I know she loves me, which is why I'm having such a hard time, otherwise, I would have already left. I'm not sure what to do myself. I should mention that I was an alcoholic when we first met, and I really had no idea who I was. I feel like a totally different person now which is part of the reason I think we grew apart. So I can definitely relate to your dilemma. Unfortunately, I can't tell you what to do. 

Anyways, just don't be too hard on yourself. Marriage is serious, but it is not the end of the world if you divorce. Plenty of people do it and move on.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

I'm sorry, but what advice do you want? It sounds like you already made your decision, you now have to "man up" and follow through. Don't put your family through any more pain then you already have. Tell her so she can move on and heal.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Married2Young,

The woman you met at work might seem like 'the one' or a better match for you but realistically you are in that dating phase where you both put energy and effort into the relationship. It is new and exciting but these feelings have a shelf-life of 1-2 years and a deeper love should take its place at that point.

This should have also been the case when you first dated your wife. What made you fall in love with her? Have you put energy and effort into your marriage to keep it alive and strong like you did when you were dating? Love within a marriage is more about meeting your spouse's needs, wanting them to be happy and feel loved. Do you feel you have really put the effort into your marriage?

The other woman is a very risky decision, IMO...for the obvious reasons of the pain your wife and children will endure and you potentially not being in your childrens' lives, losing your job. Even if all of those things seem worth it to you, there is also a very good possibility that if you are with her a year or two down the road, you will learn of the little things that irritate you, that you will not work to keep her needs met but realize that you no longer have those butterfly feelings when you see her and wonder what the heck you've done.

Of course, just my humble opinion.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

This may sound corny to suggest, but I'd recommend you, as a 'Christian', to watch the film "Fireproof". You may find yourself reflecting much deeper on what decision you'd be making and on what premise you are making it.


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## helpmeunderstand (Dec 22, 2009)

I have been on the other side of this exact situation you are describing with my w. I'm not going to rant and rave but I will provide a different perspective and tell you the situation as I see it.

The fact that you are having a relationship with this other woman is not the main issue. The issue is you are having the relationship WHILE you are still married. That's the part that is unacceptable and you must accept that you can't have it both ways. If you love your wife you would not continue to do this so it sound to me like you are just avoiding a hard decision. 

No matter what your wife religious affiliation I find it hard to believe that a divorce will be any more hurtful to her than an unfaithful husband. It's probably easier for you but not for her. Ask your self the question does she deserve a faithful husband?

Sorry for the hard questions man, but you got to take responsibility for this. Don't try to justify the easy road for you. I believe you have taken step 1 which is acknowledge what you have done is not right. Now you have to make a decision either commit to the marriage or get out. To me it sound like you have already made this decision and if so, then do what it right not what is easier for you.


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## millmant (Dec 23, 2009)

Look, grow up!

Just had to say that.

So you lost the desire for your wife, what has changed? Is it something that you can realize?

It is always be part of the animal kingdom to have desire. Christian or not, the desire is just part of the animals we are.

So what to do? The great thing about us is we have the ability to learn? How? Seeking out others who have the training(therapy) & can give or help guide you with your decision.

Can you seek help with the VA?


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