# new to this here is my story



## adanthony13flazri (Feb 11, 2013)

I have read some of the threads on here and I figured I throw my hat into the ring. My wife has been cheating on me for 2+ years now. It was easy because we have been living apart for quite a while due to work commitments. She told me about it last June. When she did she was in another part of the country getting ready to seperate from me. I convinced her to move back in. Weeks later, because of work, we had to move. During the move she told me she did not want to go and that she loved the other person. then she changed her mind and wanted to go, while we were still moving furniture. Eventually I moved without her and we seperated. I thought it might be permanent and I did not want to string her along. During the time we were waiting on moving I felt that we came a little closer together and no pressure was felt. I also caught her talking to the OM via email. She felt guilty but also threw in my face the fact that we were seperating. I felt that it had only been a few weeks and that if she was able to get in touch with the other guy so easily that she never really ended it. I started to long for her and I wanted her to give it another try. We had some face time during the holidays, which entailed me travelling and exorbanent distance to see her and skipping out on the holidays with my family. I could tell she was hesitant and still a little distant. things were amicable and at times we did have some bonding moments. She revealed to me while I was there that she was still talking to the other guy. I told her that we cannot work on us till she ends the affair and she comes to move in with me. She has refused to do so but in such 'its not my fault' way it pisses me off. She claims there is much more to us seperating than the affair and that she doesnt have it in her heart. My question is this "the fog" speaking?? I see alot of people talking about confronting the family about it. What does that do? I have covered things up from people thinking I was protecting her so that maybe we can get back together? I think all told she stopped talking to the OM for maybe a week or two the last few years. We are on the verge of filing for divorce. I feel frustrated because I was never given an opportunity to reconcile. Looking for Advise.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Your situation sounds so broken I would just let her go, especially if there are no kids. Get divorced and take care of yourself. I know that is cold comfort but she sounds like she is long gone.

Begging and pleading with her to love you has the opposite effect ... it pushes her away by causing her to lose respect for you. You have to be willing to let her go .. AND MEAN IT! Even then, odds of her wanting to come back are potentially slim to none.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Im gonna have to agree with ironman on this. You need to implement the 180 big time. Im sorry you had to go through this and it does suck. Just be strong man. I know its easier said then done.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

As long as she is contacting her AP, there is no hope for your marriage. That is always the first step before R can even be attempted.

However, as you describe her, she doesn't remotely appear remorseful for what she's done. Her actually "demonstrating" remorse for her actions would be step #2. That would include: 

- sending AP a no contact letter

- showing complete transparency - computers, phones, passwords, etc. and willing to accept being monitored for as long as you feel the need

- accepting your exposure of the affair to AP's family, her family and your family - which you should of course do, if you haven't already

- apologizing to her family, and your family

In other words, she should be falling all over herself to regain your trust. It doesn't sound like that's about to happen, but if it doesn't you should start divorce proceedings. She has to understand the reality of consequences if there's any possibility of coming out of her fog. 

The bottom line is you have to be willing to end your marriage to have a "chance" at saving it. A small chance. Others may tell you to cut bait and run and I couldn't argue with that perspective.

Sorry you're here, but you'll get some very good advice. Much of it will likely be tough to hear, but that's what this Forum is about. The honest truth from those that have been there.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

adanthony13flazri said:


> I did not want to string her along.


You've got it backwards.

She's the one doing the stringing along.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You are both doing the classic dance of "want what you can't have". 

When you were distant with her during the move - she got closer to you. 

When you noticed her re-establishing contact with her boyfriend you started to "long for her". 

Stop the dance! It's foggy.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Sorry man. Tag it & bag it.

All marriages that face the challenge of infidelity, and even worse the "love affair" face an _incredible_ uphill battle that _very very_ few will survive for the long haul. Given your set of circumstances, let it go. The horse is dead, don't beat it anymore. Move on. 

Just my opinion, for what thats worth.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Yes, let her go. Start healing. I'm almost 10 months out from Dday, 3 weeks away from D being final. I pursued her, begged her and then she moved in with the POSOM. Filed the next day and finally felt like I had taken control of things. 

She's now making overtures, but too late, I've moved on. Every day I repeat to myself "I have no control over what she does, I only have control over my life". I decided to not allow her to ruin my life. Do the 180 for yourself, it works.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

What are you trying to save? Men get married for two reasons: exclusive sex on demand with the girl and the kids she produces from the husband's seed. You don't have either one.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

Dude i have a better chance to marry Charlize Theron than you do at saving this marriage. shes gone and has been gone forever everytime you made her choose she picked him. how many more times does she have to go for you to get the hint. sorry to be so blunt (been in your shoes before)


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

terrence4159 said:


> Dude i have a better chance to marry Charlize Theron than you do at saving this marriage


You should have a TAM table, put us close to the dance floor or the dessert buffet.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

will do totamm!!


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

I'm not an expert, but if it were me I'd say dump her.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Stick a fork in her

She's done


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There is nothing here to save, man. Let her go.

Read the newbie link in my sig for some info that you really really need. Especially the part about regret vs remorse.

If she isn't prepared to chop off her left arm and hand it to you on a silver platter, dump her.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

totamm said:


> You should have a TAM table, put us close to the dance floor or the *dessert buffet*.


Mmmmm. Always wanted to try cake eating.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

"....“A Person [ Man ] convinced against his will is of the same opinion still..."
Benjamin Franklin.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Mmmmm. Always wanted to try cake eating.


We can bring some lighters to the reception and light each others flatulence, and the DJ can hand out brooms as props.

That will cover cake eating, gas lighting, and rug sweeping.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

totamm said:


> We can bring some lighters to the reception and light each others flatulence, and the DJ can hand out brooms as props.
> 
> That will cover cake eating, gas lighting, and rug sweeping.


I just puked in my mouth a lil'


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

In a nutshell, she does not wish to R. You both live far apart, its almost non reconcilable with those conditions. Give yourself some distance from her, think without distractions from her or any flak from any situations about her.

The more time that passes you will think clearer and your judgement to decide will be more astute and your will to act for your decision stronger. 

Give yourself some time to map out your plausible options/decisions and their outlays of pros and cons, then use that to decide.

All or nothing to R in a new place, new state, new jobs, both together alone, no outside interference, or living separate lives, jobs and have a false R for a time and result in D. What is the marriage worth to her in comparison to you after you ask for this sort of R, you may find the answer by asking her if she wants to start anew, transparent and honest for the sake of orderly, loving marriage.


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