# Some Perspective Please



## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

Good morning, all. 

I am extremely frustrated and down on myself today. I have borderline personality disorder, a mental illness that effects self-esteem and interpersonal relationships with other people (in a nutshell). This has been extremely hard for me and for my husband to deal with. I feel like my husband has lost his respect for me and the love he feels is more out of pity than anything else. Because of my illness I am prone to extreme anger which can go as far as me throwing things, hurting myself, or most often, just running away. I haven't had these episodes in quite a while though thanks to the blessing of my medication which has changed a lot about me. Recently though, there is a gap in my prescription and I can't get anymore because of money and lack of insurance so I am back to me in the rawest form which means I have my bad days. 

I try and stay away from everyone on those days because I am aware of them now, but I can't always disappear from hubby. Now I make him very aware that its a "dark day," as I call them, and that I just need some time or a little more support from him. Now, when I say I have a bad day it doesn't mean that I start out angry and bitter, it's more I get hurt really easy and then as the day goes on it turns to anger because of all the "hurts" I have suffered. It's sort of hard to explain but I can go into more detail if anyone needs me to. So when I tell him I am sensitve and having this kind of day I haven't done anything mean just being Eeyore like in my mood. Hubby then becomes cold to me and even that would be understandable but then he starts picking on me. 

He corrects everything I say, if I am so much as a little bit snippy he wants me to apologize otherwise he will fight with me or "punish" me by witholding affection. I try and talk with him about my feelings and have amply expressed that a lot of time when I talk about my feelings it is as a way to work things out, not for him to fix anything and I know that a lot of the times my feelings are irrational but by talking about it I come to realize this and feel better. He doesn't want to, or when he does say its ok, he shoots me down, is cold, and makes it quite obvious that he wants nothing to do with the conversation and I suffer if I try anyway. 

I don't know what to do. I understand that I can be very hard to deal with. I have to watch everything I say, everything I think, ever facial expression I give with everyone I love to make sure I don't hurt them. I tend to be mean when joking around and don't know it. I have unrealistic expectations of how people should be toward me and have to learn to let those go but its so hard. A therapist, which I desperately need, is not an option right now. I can't really cope without letting my feelings out and talking is the only thing that really makes me feel any better. 

Am I unreasonable to expect a kind ear toward my sensitive days? I don't always talk to him and I try really hard to not talk about every little thing because I know it really annoys people. But once in a while, to need to work out something and need my best friend...

I just feel really alone. I have tried talking to other people, close friends and family and they just don't know how to deal with it. They kind of nod or they look on me with pity and basically act like I am disabled or damaged goods. I don't know...

It's so hard to get out what I mean, so I guess I will just stop here. Thanks for reading this. If this isn't the right place for this thread, I'm sorry. I wasn't really sure how to categorize this.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wait, so he gets more cold DURING your "dark days"? =/


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Wait, so he gets more cold DURING your "dark days"? =/


Yes. Should I expect that? Is it just a defense mechanism?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:scratchhead:
The way you described your behavior during your "dark days", and how he behaves in response... doesn't really add up.

As for medicine/therapy - have you talked to him/his parents about his job situation which you mentioned earlier?


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm sorry I am confusing...i'm confused...haha, hence my name. I will re-read over my post and see if there is something I can clarify. 

The job situation is horrible. Yes, I have talked to him and he says he can't do anything right now. He does have places he wants to apply, but just doesn't. His parents, I don't understand them. They agree with me and think something should be done but have taken a back burner to the topic as "he is an adult now..." kind of thing. I told them we should talk with him together and try and develop some kind of plan or strategy and they said great but conveniently have not had the time to even work out a game plan with me so we can be united in our stance.

On the plus side, because of some new law, I will be able to get put back on my Dad's insurance (I hate saying that, I feel so childish) for another couple years. That starts next week and I am already making appointments.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's not unreasonable for you to ask for some understanding due to your condition during your 'dark days'.

To be honest from what I've gathered, he sounds to me that he's been taking everything for granted including you. Rather lazy and spoiled behaviour really from his part, as for his parents saying "he is an adult now..." well he obviously ain't acting like one being a free-loader for 1.5 years. You are very patient to have put up with this, he could at least be more understanding to you which he's not.

He's not taking you or his jobless freeloading situation seriously - nor is his parents, it's time for some intervention to be honest - but that's just me... and personally I would kick him out, or rob him of his video games so he gets bored enough to actually get out and do something with his life.


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

Hubby is a logic based, calculating individual. He doesn't deal in the realm of emotions well, unfortunately for me. He is a nit-picker and doesn't pick battles well...in fact he doesn't pick them at all he just starts fights over everything. If he feels that I have been unjust towards him in anyway, even if I just ask him to pass the pepper wrong, he gets upset and wants me to apologize and makes a rather large deal about it. It just seems to me that for small things you either let it go, or try and find out what's wrong that is causing them to behave that way, not just scold them for doing it. I don't know, maybe that is unreasonable. 

I am not even sure if that made sense...ugh... I'm sorry I guess this thread is pretty much mute on account of I can't really express what I was looking for help with. 

The only way I can think to word this is on my dark days, I need a little extra love and support. I try to leave people alone but sometimes I do need to work some things out or just want to be comforted. When I go to hubby with these things, he is just cold, mean, or indifferent. As a whole when it comes to my emotions or me in general, he makes me feel like I am broken. I am not an equal because of my sporadic emotions and he points out my flaws, even the tiny ones daily...I tell him he makes me feel this way and he just gets mad and points out all the ways I shouldn't feel like that, and he doesn't do it kindly either. There is no compassion or sensitivity in him, it's like I am dumb for ever feeling that way in the first place.

I guess that's just a part of marriage, I don't know. I hope that made more sense, if it didn't then I'm sorry. Thanks for trying anyway.


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> It's not unreasonable for you to ask for some understanding due to your condition during your 'dark days'.
> 
> To be honest from what I've gathered, he sounds to me that he's been taking everything for granted including you. Rather lazy and spoiled behaviour really from his part, as for his parents saying "he is an adult now..." well he obviously ain't acting like one being a free-loader for 1.5 years. You are very patient to have put up with this, he could at least be more understanding to you which he's not.
> 
> He's not taking you or his jobless freeloading situation seriously - nor is his parents, it's time for some intervention to be honest - but that's just me... and personally I would kick him out, or rob him of his video games so he gets bored enough to actually get out and do something with his life.


Funny you should say that...

Video game wise, he is an addict. I honestly never thought it was possible until I was with him. I don't know if you are familiar with the game World of Warcraft but among my friends it is known as World of Warcrack. I have had to ban him from playing and refused to buy the next expansion. He was so bad at one point...I was bleeding way too much during my period, I needed blood transfusion, couldn't get off the bed...ect, he would not take me to the hospital because he said unless I was feinting I was fine...but he never checked on me, (he was playing) just left me in my room for hours so even if I had feinted he wouldn't have noticed.

He is better since then, quite a bit, but it's still a problem I have to be very careful about.

Thank you for the support. I really am willing to hear if I am doing something wrong or have unreasonable expectations. It's nice to know I am not totally crazy for feeling this way.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

And you've talked about this to him yes? Is he even trying to improve? Because I haven't heard one mention of any attempt he's made.


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

Yes, I have. He doesn't like it and blames me for his inability to play the game he likes, but what can I do? Improvement wise, I don't know. When it gets bad, we have a huge fight, and then he is great and plays what I consider a reasonable amount and then spends time with me, and things are fine. Then he gradually starts taking more and more time for the game and I have to tell him he's getting back again and we fight and the cycle repeats. It is getting longer between these fights and I haven't had to say anything for a while...but we are getting to that time again with another game. Anyway, emotional wise, he just doesn't get it. There is very little improvement there, but little is better than none. He will once in a while...a great while...be just awesome.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Funny you should say that...
> 
> Video game wise, he is an addict. I honestly never thought it was possible until I was with him. I don't know if you are familiar with the game World of Warcraft but among my friends it is known as World of Warcrack. I have had to ban him from playing and refused to buy the next expansion. He was so bad at one point...I was bleeding way too much during my period, I needed blood transfusion, couldn't get off the bed...ect, he would not take me to the hospital because he said unless I was feinting I was fine...but he never checked on me, (he was playing) just left me in my room for hours so even if I had feinted he wouldn't have noticed.


WTF?! That's freakin' unbelievable!!! Heck... I actually admire how you can still stay with him after that.



> He is better since then, quite a bit, but it's still a problem I have to be very careful about.


Sitting around for 1.5 years free-loading isn't exactly what I would call an improvement but that's just me. I have no respect for free-loaders but that's just me. He's very blessed to still have you, many other women would have shaken their heads and given up by now.



> Thank you for the support. I really am willing to hear if I am doing something wrong or have unreasonable expectations. It's nice to know I am not totally crazy for feeling this way.


Unreasonable expectations?! Come on! If anything you've been way too nice and patient with him (sorry, but I can't help but be upfront about this >.<! )

He's not being a man but a freakin' kid. You have been VERY patient with him, but unfortunately it seems he's become spoiled due to this. You and his parents have to do something, he's not going to change if all of you continue to accomodate his selfishness and addiction.


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

And when I say bad, I mean he will spend at his peak from the time he wakes till the time he sleeps playing. We will both be home and he will spend only an hour at dinner with me before going back to the game. We won't go anywhere together or do anything together, just the game (unless he is working). Now, he will creep into 4 or 5 hours a day which is a bit excessive for me. Reasonable is like 2-3 or a day if we don't have other plans and we just kind of want to do our own thing. If it is more, I least expect he take a breath and kind of regroup and see what's going on.


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> WTF?! That's freakin' unbelievable!!! Heck... I actually admire how you can still stay with him after that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


LOL - You're fine. I'm not bothered, I need to know!

What does putting your foot down look like? I mean, do I need to make him log what job he applies for? Set a limit that he has to apply for at least one job a day? He's going to hate me for that, which I don't know if that matters other than it will be hard. Everytime I do point things out like that he turns things back around on me and points out how I am not doing x or y, or I'm not perfect, or digging into my flaws...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> And when I say bad, I mean he will spend at his peak from the time he wakes till the time he sleeps playing. We will both be home and he will spend only an hour at dinner with me before going back to the game.


Have you read this thread? Perhaps you may find some hints how to help him deal with this addiction:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relati...1-online-gaming-addiction-get-outta-here.html



> We won't go anywhere together or do anything together, just the game *(unless he is working)*


Which he's not right? =/



> Now, he will creep into 4 or 5 hours a day which is a bit excessive for me. Reasonable is like 2-3 or a day if we don't have other plans and we just kind of want to do our own thing. If it is more, I least expect he take a breath and kind of regroup and see what's going on.


Well, he's not working, playing video games all day, neglecting his wife, he's free-loading off his parents, and you're putting up with it.
Only one of those things you can change (you), another one you can perhaps influence (his parents), but the rest will be up to him.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Confused Love said:


> LOL - You're fine. I'm not bothered, I need to know!
> 
> What does putting your foot down look like? I mean, do I need to make him log what job he applies for? Set a limit that he has to apply for at least one job a day? He's going to hate me for that, which I don't know if that matters other than it will be hard. Everytime I do point things out like that he turns things back around on me and points out how I am not doing x or y, or I'm not perfect, or digging into my flaws...


To be honest if he was my son-in-law he wouldn't last 1 or 2 weeks free-loading off me, let alone 1.5 years!

It's kinda sad that you have to mother him in this way really. He's also using guilt trips/manipulations to justify his behavior. He should be the one leading by example not wait for the missus to lead - it's called being a man - something all men more or less have to continue to learn including myself.

Have you tried starting work and see if he would do the same? Anything to get him out of his fantasy hole completely oblivious to what's happening around him.


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

You are right. The only thing that can change is me and as far as his parents, maybe I need to be more stern. That is just not my nature, being stern. Sounds odd because I can be mean when I joke, unintentionally of course, and if you make me really mad I will rip you a fing new one with my low blows, but confrontation in itself is my enemy. 

I guess I am a little bit in pity mode. Why didn't I see this before? Why does it have to be such a fight? Bleh...

No, he's not working and not looking. (In fact he is upstairs right now, playing.) 

Thanks for the thread. I am looking over it now. The first post got me all bristly just because he argues like my husband does. I understand that gaming is awesome and I love it too. It a fantasy world where my hubby can't fail, in fact he excels and there is no emotionally psycho wife reminding him of his manly duties. I do understand that want to run away, and even need at times. But to do it constantly is cowerdly and yes, even pathetic. (Did I just call hubby pathetic, yes...I did.) I just don't understand how a person can think that being gone at work all day, then coming home and burying themselves in the game till sleeping would not affect the other (women do it too, I know, so that's why I am not picking on just guys).


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

Starting work? I am not sure I know what you mean, sorry. :scratchhead:

I have tried saying hey, I will do some laundry and you can look for some work (which by the way is what he told me to do) and nothing happens. I work, I have a part time job in retail and am looking for more, which doesn't really make a difference to him. I search for jobs for him, e-mail him positions he might like, I am damn near close to applying places for him. I have offered to ride around with him and get applications. I have contacted all business contacts I know of to get his name out there. I researched temp agencies in our area, offered to buy books to get his certifications, I even offered to study and take the damn tests myself so we did it together...

nothing.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

What you mean you can be mean when you joke btw?

People have to be harsh on him to help him wake up from all of this - his parents included, to be honest discuss with them that he is indeed free-loading for 1.5 years and they need to be harsher otherwise he's just not going to change. I don't think they are taking things seriously either - what's up with them really? I don't see any other alternative until he realises that things are serious enough for him to get off his butt to do something about it.

BTW, it's good to be psycho in marriage, I'm gonna be just like Al Bundy myself!
YouTube - Psycho dad and psycho mom





> I have tried saying hey, I will do some laundry and you can look for some work (which by the way is what he told me to do) and nothing happens. I work, I have a part time job in retail and am looking for more, which doesn't really make a difference to him. I search for jobs for him, e-mail him positions he might like, I am damn near close to applying places for him. I have offered to ride around with him and get applications. I have contacted all business contacts I know of to get his name out there. I researched temp agencies in our area, offered to buy books to get his certifications, I even offered to study and take the damn tests myself so we did it together...
> 
> nothing.


!!! And he still DARES to "point out" this:


> how I am not doing x or y, or I'm not perfect, or digging into my flaws..


He's really f--king full of ****, sorry forgive my French... but he really is. It looks like you're doing everything for him yet he's still worming his way out of responsibility. Don't stand for this, you deserve better.

Force him to get his act together.


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> What you mean you can be mean when you joke btw?


Ah - I pick on people. Make fun of things they've done in the past or even the way they look sometimes. I sound like a freaking bully but I never mean it. For example I was house sitting for a friend and she had some old food in her fridge that I took the liberty of cleaning out for her. When she returned home I informed her that I removed the "science experiments" she had in her fridge and kind of exaggerated what they looked or smelled like. That's not that bad but sometimes I will joke like that and people get mad at me. I also have this way, apparently, of joking with a totally straight face and it freaks people out. Like in my town we only have one target and one day I actually convinced my husband we had two. I can't really think of better examples of the top of my head, but I get yelled at for doing things like that all the time. My parents used to do the same thing and would pick on me even when I told them it hurt, especially when they were with friends drinking and I would hate it and get embarrassed then hide in my room.



RandomDude said:


> I don't think they are taking things seriously either - what's up with them really?


Good question. Sometimes his dad will come down on him and be extreme wanting a list of everything he has applied for and the next day, nothing, it was like the conversation never happened. His mom is the dominant one in the family. I can say in hubby's he did not have a great example of what a marriage looks like. Like I said his mom is the dominant one and his dad was gone a lot with work or hunting. His parents marriage is not really love based. I do think they love each other n a way but I know at least the mom is very unhappy most of the time (marriage wise). Anyway, she picks and chooses what to stand up about. I will often hear her say that she wants to say something but "i'll keep my mouth shut" and that's kind of the end of that topic. 



RandomDude said:


> BTW, it's good to be psycho in marriage, I'm gonna be just like Al Bundy myself!
> YouTube - Psycho dad and psycho mom


:rofl: - That was fantastic! Thanks, I totally needed that. 



RandomDude said:


> He's really f--king full of ****, sorry forgive my French... but he really is. It looks like you're doing everything for him yet he's still worming his way out of responsibility. Don't stand for this, you deserve better.
> 
> Force him to get his act together.


I agree. No worries, am foul mouthed I just try to keep it reigned in here, but as I get more comfortable with people, that will probably change.  

Yes, I just need to figure out how. I guess just start with his parents and see where I can get with their help. I did one day tell him that I wanted to set a time frame and that if he didn't get his act together in that time frame that I may need to consider moving on. He was pissed. He told me that he has stuck with me through all kinds of crap (which is partially true) and if I am going to leave him when he needs help if he can't fix himself in a certain amount of time, then I might as well leave right then. 

That hurt.

As a matter of fact I wish I had known about this site then so I could have given details when that god awful night happened. I was beside myself and totally alone. I tried to call his mom and she was kind of supportive but kind of just not really sure what to do or say...it's hard to describe.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Ah - I pick on people. Make fun of things they've done in the past or even the way they look sometimes. I sound like a freaking bully but I never mean it. For example I was house sitting for a friend and she had some old food in her fridge that I took the liberty of cleaning out for her. When she returned home I informed her that I removed the "science experiments" she had in her fridge and kind of exaggerated what they looked or smelled like. That's not that bad but sometimes I will joke like that and people get mad at me.


?! LOL

Hell to be honest you would fit right in here in Australia, when folks are just mucking around and having fun we try not to take things too seriously - there has to be a line sure, but for most of us a joke about such "science experiments" in one's fridge is just that - a joke. Heh to be honest at least you got a sense of humor.

Heck I even take the piss outta myself at times.



> I also have this way, apparently, of joking with a totally straight face and it freaks people out. Like in my town we only have one target and one day I actually convinced my husband we had two. I can't really think of better examples of the top of my head, but I get yelled at for doing things like that all the time. My parents used to do the same thing and would pick on me even when I told them it hurt, especially when they were with friends drinking and I would hate it and get embarrassed then hide in my room.


It freaks people out? Heck I do it all the time! =/
Come to think of it though... I learnt over time how to smile more when it comes to such jokes so people don't get the wrong impression too - so they won't take it so seriously, or to laugh it away when they do get offended, or to smooth-talk my way out of an offended party by also throwing another quick joke, or by simply finding a much more fun crowd if worse comes to worse.



> Good question. Sometimes his dad will come down on him and be extreme wanting a list of everything he has applied for and the next day, nothing, it was like the conversation never happened. His mom is the dominant one in the family. I can say in hubby's he did not have a great example of what a marriage looks like. Like I said his mom is the dominant one and his dad was gone a lot with work or hunting. His parents marriage is not really love based. I do think they love each other n a way but I know at least the mom is very unhappy most of the time (marriage wise). Anyway, she picks and chooses what to stand up about. I will often hear her say that she wants to say something but "i'll keep my mouth shut" and that's kind of the end of that topic.


Try and be more firm with them, it seems that they are neglecting this problem too (I also can't believe they don't mind their son as a married man free-loading off them for 1.5 years!!!!)



> I agree. No worries, am foul mouthed I just try to keep it reigned in here, but as I get more comfortable with people, that will probably change.


Heh in real life I swear like a f--king sailor - just not around my kid otherwise she'll pick it up and boom, then it happens Darth Wifey will be coming to get me!



> Yes, I just need to figure out how. I guess just start with his parents and see where I can get with their help. I did one day tell him that I wanted to set a time frame and that if he didn't get his act together in that time frame that I may need to consider moving on. He was pissed. He told me that he has stuck with me through all kinds of crap (which is partially true) and if I am going to leave him when he needs help if he can't fix himself in a certain amount of time, then I might as well leave right then.
> 
> That hurt.


But he's not FIXING himself - heck he's not even making any effort. He's stuck playing computer games free-loading off his parents for the last 1.5 years. Don't let him use that against you, it's utter bull****. You have to be strong in this, firm in how you feel, and how you feel is on the right side of things, when you have children you will also need to learn how to be firm with them.



> As a matter of fact I wish I had known about this site then so I could have given details when that god awful night happened. I was beside myself and totally alone. I tried to call his mom and she was kind of supportive but kind of just not really sure what to do or say...it's hard to describe.


Yeah I wish I had found this site sooner too, could have solved a lot of problems before it all escalated like on xmas day, luckily we're back together now.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

It seems to me that he's the one who needs to change his behavior not you. I'm familiar with World of WarCrack. I had a friend who was playing and she told me that if I wanted to see my children graduate I would never, ever play it. So I hear you on that one. 

Your fridge example was just funny. That wouldn't offend me at all. I'd be grateful you cleaned my fridge out!

Maybe you should be a little less hard on yourself and a little harder on him. It sounds like he's acting like a selfish brat and you're forced to deal with it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Just for fun, since we're talking about the world of warcrack...

@Confused Love
You should watch this south park episode when you're free, it'll really crack you up lol

Make Love, Not Warcraft : ALLSP - Your Source for South Park.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

My 25yo daughter is a Borderline...so I kinda know what you are going through as well as what HE is dealing with. I would advise you to have him check out BPDfamily.com. He might be able to find some support and understand HOW to deal with the Borderline there. I understand for YOU his withholding affection is the worst thing. But I understand HIS backing off when you're in a dark mood. It's a matter of self preservation, since things can go south in a hurry, and you wonder how you got there. 
He needs to (or you can order it for him, I got my copy for under $10 and that included shipping) get the book "I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg. It will help him to learn to communicate with you more effectively. In fact, I think this book would help us ALL learn more effective communication. 
Living with a Borderline can be absolutely frightening. I don't know what behaviors you've exhibited (and it's NONE of my business), I just know what I've been through. And understanding that not all Borderlines are alike. But maybe he started "checking out" with WOW and now he's hooked..which happens more often than you might think. Now that he's hooked though, it's going to be really hard to get him UNhooked. Personally I'd take drastic measures, but I understand you might not be able to do so. 
I'm glad to hear that you can get back on your father's insurance...and can get back on your meds. Can you take it a step further and find someone that specializes in Dialectal Behavioral Therapy?


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Just for fun, since we're talking about the world of warcrack...
> 
> @Confused Love
> You should watch this south park episode when you're free, it'll really crack you up lol
> ...


:lol:


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> ?! LOL
> 
> Hell to be honest you would fit right in here in Australia, when folks are just mucking around and having fun we try not to take things too seriously - there has to be a line sure, but for most of us a joke about such "science experiments" in one's fridge is just that - a joke. Heh to be honest at least you got a sense of humor.
> 
> Heck I even take the piss outta myself at times.


Well, that's good to know that someone gets it. Lol



RandomDude said:


> It freaks people out? Heck I do it all the time! =/
> Come to think of it though... I learnt over time how to smile more when it comes to such jokes so people don't get the wrong impression too - so they won't take it so seriously, or to laugh it away when they do get offended, or to smooth-talk my way out of an offended party by also throwing another quick joke, or by simply finding a much more fun crowd if worse comes to worse.


That's the part I am not very good at. I don't even mean to do it straight faced and serious, it just kind of comes out that way. I guess I just have dry humor or something...



RandomDude said:


> Heh in real life I swear like a f--king sailor - just not around my kid otherwise she'll pick it up and boom, then it happens Darth Wifey will be coming to get me!


:rofl: Darth Wifey...love it



RandomDude said:


> But he's not FIXING himself - heck he's not even making any effort. He's stuck playing computer games free-loading off his parents for the last 1.5 years. Don't let him use that against you, it's utter bull****. You have to be strong in this, firm in how you feel, and how you feel is on the right side of things, when you have children you will also need to learn how to be firm with them.


He's very good at manipulating how I feel. He turns me around and makes me confused as to what wear are even fighting about, it's terrible. I have never really had anyone do that to me before. I hate it. But you are right, I have to stay strong. I try and sit down with his parents or at least his mom next week and work something out. 



RandomDude said:


> Yeah I wish I had found this site sooner too, could have solved a lot of problems before it all escalated like on xmas day, luckily we're back together now.


I missed what happened there, I saw your update thread but I didn't see what happened. But me knowing is unimportant, I am just glad it's better now. 

I have totally seen that episode, it's hilarious! Oddly enough it's one of his favorites...


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

Trenton said:


> It seems to me that he's the one who needs to change his behavior not you. I'm familiar with World of WarCrack. I had a friend who was playing and she told me that if I wanted to see my children graduate I would never, ever play it. So I hear you on that one.
> 
> Your fridge example was just funny. That wouldn't offend me at all. I'd be grateful you cleaned my fridge out!
> 
> Maybe you should be a little less hard on yourself and a little harder on him. It sounds like he's acting like a selfish brat and you're forced to deal with it.


Thanks, I appreciate the input.


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

*Major:* I appreciate the insight from both sides. It must have been scary for him before we realized what was wrong. I was cutting and suicidal. Very dysfunctional and it wasn't until I was in a mental health home thing for a week that I finally got some help and was diagnosed. I totally see what you are saying about what he is experiencing. 

If he would read, I would totally get the book, though I might anyway. Thank you for the suggestion. He will not read self-help or any kind of material like that. I do, quite a bit, but he makes fun of me for it sometimes. I have looked into that website you mentioned and it was really great! I had this period where I had to accept that borderline was part of who I was and what that meant for those around me, not just me, so as part of that I researched a lot and tried to find ways they (he and his parents mostly) could help. I printed everything out and had a little meeting about what everything meant, what they could do, how to react...

It all went in one freaking ear and out the other for him, at least mostly. I bring it up that he doens't really put what I told him into practice and he says its hard and I can't expect it...or something to that effect. 

Is that the kind of therapy I need? I really only know as much about BPD as I have researched. I have only been to the doctor for it, other than my hospital stay, 3 times. I want to do whatever it takes to get it under control and not hurt me or anyone else anymore. I probably can with my insurance, it's pretty good. I will look into that.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I hate to say it, but if the two of you are going to remain married...he's going to HAVE to get himself an education. It's not fair to you (or to himself) to not to. I don't know how you're going to get him to do that, though. He doesn't sound mature enough to give what it takes. I really think it's a maturity thing here. 
For your OWN good, please look into the DBT. You can ask when you make appointments if the therapist specializes in this. They're kinda few and far between, but if you live in a large area it might be easier. 
I just want to tell you that my heart goes out to you. TRULY. As hard as it is on the people who love the borderline, it's harder on the person actually trying to put their life in order and deal with this as well. DBT is the recommended therapy, along with medication. My daughter takes lithium and antidepressants that I know of. She's not very good at taking her meds, though. Unfortunately if he and his family don't get on board with understanding, and learning how to deal...it's going to be VERY hard for you. And I am hurt for you for that. I just want to send you a *hug*.


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

*Major:* To start, I totally agree with you on the education part and that's why I am so frustrated. That's why I took the time to do the print out and everything and tried really hard to make sure that everyone understood and had the ability to ask questions and they really didn't take advantage of it. They listened but none of them really apply what they "learned" and they have not done any outside research on their own. Hubby claims that he did but I don't believe him.

I will look into that therapy for sure. That's really helpful to know what I am looking for.

And lastly, thank you so much. All I am ever told if it every comes up is how hard it is on other people and how much of a burden on I am them. Sometimes its what depresses me most of all. It's nice to hear someone acknowledge the battle that I go through. So thank you very much. You are very sweet.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

It's only b/c of my daughter that I understand your battle a little. As much as someone who doesn't live it personally can possibly understand. I don't think it's much, myself (my level of understanding, that is). I just know I feel incredible pain for what my daughter goes through, and have watched how this has affected her life. She HURTS. Unfortunately I have to set up boundaries and turn her life over to her, since I can't fix it.
It's absolutely possible that as you progress in therapy (it does take some time, from what I understand) and with the right medication, you might find that you want more than what you're dealing with right now. You are NOT a hopeless case. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

When i was out of work I too would get upset if I felt my wife was being pushy...
Big difference, I was applying and web searching for employment... If he was active in finding a job ( which it sounds as if he's not ) I would say keep a light touch...
But in your instance I say he needs a swift kick in the a$$...
It sounds to me he knows your condition well enough to take full advantage of you... And if you control him buying an exspansion pack, you prob also control the net... So no net = no W.o.W... Get off yo rear, go to the library and use thier net and get to job searching.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Confused Love said:


> *Major:* To start, I totally agree with you on the education part and that's why I am so frustrated. That's why I took the time to do the print out and everything and tried really hard to make sure that everyone understood and had the ability to ask questions and they really didn't take advantage of it. They listened but none of them really apply what they "learned" and they have not done any outside research on their own. Hubby claims that he did but I don't believe him.
> 
> I will look into that therapy for sure. That's really helpful to know what I am looking for.
> 
> And lastly, thank you so much. All I am ever told if it every comes up is how hard it is on other people and how much of a burden on I am them. Sometimes its what depresses me most of all. It's nice to hear someone acknowledge the battle that I go through. So thank you very much. You are very sweet.


I am diagnosed BPD. My best advice to you is to find you so that you can find someone who appreciates you. BPD is a label and labels are often limited. I very well know I have issues resulting from serious things that have happened to me but I also know more than well that these experiences/behaviors alone cannot define me. Define yourself, learn yourself and become capable of getting what it is you want rather than what it is you think you've been conditioned to deserve. Think beyond the small so that opportunities open up. 

Regardless of whether or not you are BPD, your husband is acting like a schmuck. Accept this so that you can instill boundaries.


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

*Major:* Thank you. I don't know what it's like to be the loved one of someone with BPD but I know it can be hard...though from the feedback I get from those around me, it's hard in a frustrating sense, not in a compassionate one. But that might just be my sensitivities talking.

*Wade:* This week change will come! I am going to talk with him and really work somethings out. If he truly is too depressed to look for work then I will insist that he see a doctor and get some control of the depression otherwise he has no excuse and a swift kick in the ass is what he will get! Thanks for your input. 

*Trenton:* I hope my talking so openly about my experience with BPD was not offending at all. I don't mean to make a show of it or excuse any behavior. (Not that you are implying that I have.) Thank you for your words. I will definitely take them to heart and do just as you suggest. It's actually what I am working on now, finding myself that is.

"Define yourself, learn yourself and become capable of getting what it is you want rather than what it is you think you've been conditioned to deserve." 

That is an awesome statement. I love it and is certainly something I wish to improve on. 

With Hubby I really hope its a maturity thing which means that it will change for the better. I know some people are just immature by nature, but sometimes they just need a little more time to grow. At least that is what my hope is.


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