# Do you think it's a control issue...some advice please!



## seabird (Feb 24, 2011)

Hi everyone...new here and I've been doing a lot of reading on everyone's situations, so thought I would add my own and maybe get some advice. I'll start at the beginning and hopefully give you an idea of where I am.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. Together for 6. I have two boys from previous relationships (not marriages) who are 7 and 12. Now, my husband is a nice man (normally) and will go out of his way to help people. But he doesn't seem to want to "give" to our marriage. We've been through alot together..and I'll list them quickly so that you have an idea.
*Both my Father and Step Father had heart attacks the year we were married (both are okay now 
*His father tried to swing a hammer at him a week before our wedding because he was upset at the wedding announcement in the paper (because he name was not on it) and we proceeded with legal proceedings where he wasn't overly punished. He died a little over a year later, with no contact with his son.
*We got pregnant the week after we were married and miscarried at 16 weeks.
*I had a cervical cancer scare
*We had another miscarriage.
So I think that sums up our marriage...and I have to say that we made it through all these things TOGETHER. He was a very supportive husband. 
What my issue is is that he has isolated me from my friends (making BIG deals of the ones he doesn't like, which is most of them) so I have not had much interaction with them since being married. He did not want me to get my license and when I did it when he was at work he made a flippant comment saying "what was that, just a whim to get your license?" Then my job....well, he got his way in with my boss (whom we've both known for about 15 years) and got a job on the weekends in the same place that I work. Another aspect is that I am social, I love meeting people and going out and having a good time, which we used to do together, but now, even bringing up going out for a few drinks with friends sends my husband off the deep end...which results in days of the silent treatment by him....and when he says "go alone" and I do..it still results in being treated like a jerk for days on end. My question I guess is this: Should I stay, or leave?
I've tried the tactic of going out without him, of telling him that it's over if he doesn't stop, and just plain giving in to going out with friends (or even family) because of the reaction that I am guaranteed by him. I feel lost, alone and scared. This is the woman he fell in love with...the social, independant butterfly, and now he's resentful of those traits in me. Could these be his own insecurities coming out? I've done nothing but try to convince him that I am in love with him, but nothing seems to work..I don't do anything behind his back that I would not do in front of him, so I see no reason (except HIS baggage) for him to feel like this.....any advice is welcome...and I am by no means saying that I'm in the wrong..but should I continue on this path and just put up with it or make a move and deal with it by broaching the big D word???
Thanks in advance


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Your husband isn't treating you right.

He is probably hurt, not thinking strait, but doing the best he knows how (which happens to be the totally wrong way).

Get book and marriage counseling. 

My story is here, and its not an uncommon one.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconc...seling-reconciliation-success.html#post259366

Get out of this habit. Probably schedule MC or PC first if you want. 

Although it was very hard, I think my wife did it the right way (however, I wish she would have spoken up a lot sooner). Say you are unhappy and have been unhappy for a long time. Tell your husband to join you in MC if he wants to save your marriage. Tell him you still love him, but that is going to fade fast if this continues. 

I doubt he knows you are so unhappy that you are thinking of D. He doesn't know a better way right now or how to fix this either.

100% absolutely do not just put up with this. Someone will cheat or leave or do something stupid.

Best of luck.


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