# Do parents and upbringing factor into a marriage?



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

So a few years after my wife and I were married I kept on hearing stories from her & other family members about how life was for them growing up, and the ongoing theme I kept hearing was that her parents loved each other.......were married 34 years(until he passed away).........took good care of their children......but they argued ugly like cats and dogs most of the time. Now looking back at learning all of that and the fact that our marriage has gotten ugly with plenty of arguing, I am beginning to see a connection unfortuneatly and maybe that has something to do with it. :scratchhead:


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I think most all people are products of their upbringing, and usually will bring some of the same stuff they learned from their family into their marriage. I have seen some people who didn't have the best upbringing/role models, do the very same things their parents did once married. Then I have seen some who didn't have the best upbringing/role models and do the opposite of how their parents were.

I think its a combination, of learned behaviors and choices once grown and married.


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

I think they can be HUGE factors in a marriage. With that said, just because someone saw/learned certain behaviours from their parents, doesn't mean that's exactly how they will be. My own wife is a classic example, and I'm very thankful


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Jamison said:


> I think most all people are products of their upbringing, and usually will bring some of the same stuff they learned from their family into their marriage. I have seen some people who didn't have the best upbringing/role models, do the very same things their parents did once married. Then I have seen some who didn't have the best upbringing/role models and do the opposite of how their parents were.
> 
> I think its a combination, of learned behaviors and choices once grown and married.


That's what I'm thinking Jamison; and in the case of my upbringing my parents rarely raised their voices to each other and if they did it was always in private, and that's because my mom was this *very calm very sweet person * who would not stand for any of that. My dad was and still is a good man who had a bad temper and would get really really pissed at her sometimes, but my mom just had the knack for always defusing the situation in a calm & cool manner. She also had that effect on me later on in my life until she passed away from cancer in 2009.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Of course it does ,and to a large extent.
My parents were divorced when I was around 6 yrs. I grew up feeling sad because all the other boys had a father who did fun stuff with them.
I've been married for quite a wile with no children. I asked myself what was I afraid of?
I recently realized that even though I loved my dad , my fear was that my marriage would go the way of his, and if I had a child, they would suffer just like I did.
There were other reasons I made up, but they are not rational.

People won't admit it,
But your upbringing factors into your marriage one way or another. Also too when children come into the picture.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

My sister and I have both discovered we brought some very poor skills to our own marriages as a result of watching our parents' marriage. We also learned some very unhealthy relationship skills as a result of the overall family dynamics.

I think our "family of origin" is hugely influential in our marriage.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

yes without a doubt. Humans in many ways do not have the free will we think we have. Environment shapes you and to a lesser extent some biological factors.


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## DangerousCurves (Jul 18, 2012)

I think it makes a huge impact, but it can go either way.

They either learn to be just like their parents or they learn from their parents' mistake and do the opposite.

My marriage is the complete opposite of my parents' marriage. I learned what NOT to do by observing them.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I you can understand your partner's behavior by knowing about their childhood then you can better establish the empathetic bond that allows you to love them even when you don't like something they do


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *DangerousCurves said*: I think it makes a huge impact, but it can go either way.
> 
> They either learn to be just like their parents or they learn from their parents' mistake and do the opposite.
> 
> My marriage is the complete opposite of my parents' marriage. I learned what NOT to do by observing them


This is so very true... I have gained a ton of insight watching my Mother destruct herself by her choices in life. My parents didn't stay married & that was the best thing...she did everything others wanted her to do, and not what SHE deeply desired. A making for unhappiness. 

I'd say...me & husband paved our own path.... I near despised my step Mother whom I lived with in my teens.. ~~ But she loved my dad like no other ...so I did have a good example of







between them - even if they were pretty ROUGH on me...Parenting was not their gift.. And my Grandma next door, her many stories of my Grandfather who passed yrs before...these were "inspiration" of a marraige well lived & enjoyed. 

My husband's parents... didn't spend time with each other, she was a Packrat & very close with her daughters, they seemed to bicker alot about her junk......He was always hanging out with his guys friends playing cards at night...husband never seen them kiss his entire existence. But they lasted till the end. 

I'd say we're more like my Dad & Step Mom, very close, do most everything together. But still we've paved our own path...dreamed our own dreams for our family... It helps to see sanity, stability , laughter & enjoyment of each other in matrimony -as children though. 

As for family life/kids ....my model jumped to my best friends family growing up, I adored how FUN loving they were, a little crazy at times...(I remember the Mom chasing one of the sons around the yard with a baseball bat)...I remember thinking "WOW, this is sooo cool - excitement every day!" This son was always ticking the Mom off. Lots of bantering ...open communication - but yet, they were very close, so much laughter in that house... I loved it, I was a part of that experience ...it stayed with me..... 

And true...this is how we are with our kids (minus the ball bat)... Grand central station here for their friends to hang out -just as I did. I guess we all pick up things from our past.... 

Hold onto the Good.. and throw out the Bad.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I think the upbringing is a huge factor, but it can go both ways. It's not only a child raised in a stable nuclear family who has a good marriage. A child raised in a family of multiple divorces can learn from the parents' mistakes. I've seen that first hand in two of my relatives. The brother and sister duo saw their parents marry/divorce several times yet they've both managed to avoid the mistakes of their parents. They've both told me when they were growing up they decided they would have better marriages than their parents. True to that promise to themselves, they've both worked at their relationships. They've both been married longer than the combined total years of their parents' various marriages. One sibling has been married over 25 years; the other close to 20 years.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Yes and yes! Looking at my ex husband's parent's lack of skills it is no wonder he could not relate to an independent wife with a child. His sister and brother were much older than him and after his dad died (my ex was 6 y.o.) his mom fell apart and he basically grew up on his own. I think he was desperately looking for love and acceptance but unfortunately for him, he married an independent person (his second marriage) who likes a lot of space. 

As for me, my mom and dad got divorced when I was four and the best time of my childhood was when she was alone and independent. That sounds contradictory to a lot of people here but if she were alive, I am sure that she would remember those times fondly. She went from a mousy, walking-on-eggshells dependent woman to someone who could raise three kids on her own when divorce was considered near taboo (late sixties, early seventies). Her own mother was ashamed of her and she couldn't get a JC Pennys credit card because she was divorced. :/ Anyway, I think I almost have become too independent in some ways. I'm not an easy person to be married to.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yes...we're each the product of our experiences.

My parents have been married just over 50 years. I grew up in a home where the parents loved and cherished each other. They kissed and cuddled and the word 'love' was used easily and frequently.

I grew up thinking THAT was normal!

Weird ah?


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## TerryHollp (Sep 25, 2012)

I have seen some people who didn't have the best upbringing


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Parents do have a lot of influence on you, weather it's positive or negative. My mom and my husbands mom use emotional terrorism and the magical power of guilt. 

His mom is dumb as a post, she thinks her plans are all a good idea and she wanted her son to be up under her ass at times and be codependent. Don't go anywhere don't do anything in life. 

My mom lacks common sense, dosent think ahead, and wanted me and her to be the crazy cat ladies, live in a hoarder life style, and become shut ins who watch PBS. 

Both were against marriage. I was told kids fall on the responsibility of the woman. He was told kids fall on the responsibility of the woman. 

What were we supposed to take from that??? That's just fundamentally fvcked up. 

We spend a long time getting through all their bullsh!t. Our big positive is we wanted nothing to do with their twisted life planning for us.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I brought this topic up to say this; that a lot of times when my wife and I have our ugly & loud arguements she will act like or give me a look like - "oh get over it because this is what married couples do", but I always disagree because I did not grow up around parents who often argued or said ugly things back & forth. They both had a lot of respect for one another, and when they were having an arguement they always took it upstairs and closed the door & kept it away from us. But it never got loud enough that we ever heard it clearly through the door because we did used to try and listen in.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

If your parents do not nourish you body, mind and spirit, then they have handicapped you.

If one parent does the above and proves their love by their actions then you have a good chance at having a positive self image.

If both parents do the above and prove their love by their actions then you have an excellent chance of having a positive self image

Parents play a very significant role in building self image and self image is vital in a marriage.


They should require four years of parenting facts in high school. Let the case studies speak for themselves![/[/B


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> I brought this topic up to say this; that a lot of times when my wife and I have our ugly & loud arguements she will act like or give me a look like - *"oh get over it because this is what married couples do",* but I always disagree because I did not grow up around parents who often argued or said ugly things back & forth. *They both had a lot of respect for one another, and when they were having an arguement they always took it upstairs and closed the door & kept it away from us. But it never got loud enough that we ever heard it clearly through the door because we did used to try and listen in.*


Your wife is wrong, sure couples have arguements from time to time but to have as you describe ugly screaming/yelling matches is not, and you certainly don't want your child to be conditioned to this behaviour as normal.

My parents did exactly the same as yours, they never had arguements that we heard, we knew they were having a disagreement behind the bedroom door but all we managed to hear was adamant whispering that we couldn't make head nor tails of, we were oblivious to any marital problems, they were very loving.

I do believe the upbringing plays a huge role in adult life but it's like sitting on a knifes edge, you can fall one way or the other if you have the chance to witness other families dynamics & make comparisons as you become older & more aware.

My husband had a somewhat ignorant upbringing, he was the last of 9 kids, his father become very ill when he was 3 & died when he was 8, his mother was too pre occupied with his dying father even to notice he was there, he was left to his own devices the majority of the time, he ate weetbix breakfast, lunch & tea, she was very dismissive towards him & emotionally detached, his other siblings were much older than him & had all left home, it took him a long time to realize he was actually neglected as a child. He's never been close to his Mum, she's an ice queen but he holds no ill feeling towards her, we understand she had hardened somewhat for her own self preservation. Her first husband was killed in the war before they had kids, her second husband who she had all the kids died at 56, she remarried a third time & he died from Parkinson's, I have never seen her show any emotion.

He's knows family love through my family, he is very close to my parents & my father treats him as a true son & he see's him as his father, it's a real mateship they have and deep respect for each other even though my father knows he isn't perfect.... but who is.


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## Son of Kong (Jul 12, 2012)

All I have been through with my wife's infidelities the past few months have proved that this true. Her father cheated many times on her mom it was always the same cheat, get caught, beg for forgiveness then 16- 18 months of so (sometimes longer) it would start again, he was doing some of this when we were first dating and continued till a few years ago (finally) It took a huge toll on my wife she has self esteem issues which come mostly from her mother when she was putting up with all the cheating, then she has her dad in her from some of the stuff I just found out she did and how she did it so definitely she is a product of her of her upbringing.
In my own life I grew up in a very non loving, the only emotion was anger, home so it has affected me too. While I have gotten my temper under control , and even though I enjoy time with my wife, kids and friends I feel much more comfortable just to be alone.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I am very worried that this is the behavior that she is locked into and used to and doesn't see any need to change; whereas if I keep going like this with a woman that is constantly getting me all riled up, I'm gonna die young of a heart attack like her father did at age 51!!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I do strongly believe so! My husband was brought up in a very loving home where his parents were always "in love" with each other. It's been 12 years and my husband and I are still in that honeymoon in love stage. We never grew out of it. We are both very happy with each other, just as his parents are.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> If both parents do the above and prove their love by their actions then you have an excellent chance of having a positive self image
> 
> Parents play a very significant role in building self image and self image is vital in a marriage.
> 
> ...



*Very encouraging ILWMB!!!*


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Cee Paul said:


> I am very worried that this is the behavior that she is locked into and used to and doesn't see any need to change; whereas if I keep going like this with a woman that is constantly getting me all riled up, I'm gonna die young of a heart attack like her father did at age 51!!


Its likely a deeply rooted ingrained behavior. However she can unlearn some of that behavior with therapy if she really wants to change anything. As far as yourself goes, you need to take care of YOU, you can't fix or change her.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

trey69 said:


> Its likely a deeply rooted ingrained behavior. However she can unlearn some of that behavior with therapy if she really wants to change anything. As far as yourself goes, you need to take care of YOU, you can't fix or change her.


True; but you also can't allow someone's destructive behavior or bad habits ruin your life too, spouse or no spouse.


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