# How I got here



## lovemykids2 (Apr 22, 2013)

This is my first time posting on TAM. I have been married for almost 9 years, am in my mid 30's, have a 20 month old daughter and a 5 year old son who I adore. My wife and I have know each other since we were 17 years old but did not become a couple until a few years after college. Our marriage has been ok over the years, ups and downs like every relationship has. 

My wife and I are opposite. I am outgoing, passionate and can controlling at times (due to my drive to succeed and keep moving forward). My wife is content (or was), calm, and takes her time with everything. 

We have had sex regularly in our relationship up until recently. I was usually the one to initiate sex and over time that is all it turned into. Not much lovemaking, more the act of sex for pleasure. I did not make an effort to change, and don't know why.

About a month ago I told my wife I was not happy in our relationship. I felt lonely (even though we were still having sex). She let me know she was no happy either. We agreed to try and change some things (show more affection for each other, me give her more free time ( she is a stay at home mom and has not had much free time in a while))

Things went back to our "normal" which was not very good. I travel for work and came back from a week away, then she went away with friends for the first time in a while so we did not see each other for about seven days. The night she came back, she was upstairs doing "housework". I got upset and felt she was avoiding me. I told her I was lonely. She told me she felt numb towards me and loved me but was not in love with me. I was not surprised by this since I have been feeling the same way. 

I had to leave for a business trip again so we agreed to talk on Friday. Friday came and she said she thinks we need to see a counselor. I was and am all for it. She told me she does not think she was ever in love with me and has just been going through the motions because that is what she though she was supposed to do. She said felt like she has lost herself and wants some space, no sex, etc. 

We then left for a planned family vacation with friends. It was extremely difficult to try and fake that everything was ok on vacation but we did our best for our kids and friends. I tried to talk to her a few times on our trip but the conversations never went we'll and were really starting to effect my state of mind. I stepped back and we agreed to talk when we got home.

Last night, she told me there was someone else. I was shocked but not devastated. I tried to force sadness and emotion and it did not come. I was surprising calm and open to talking about it. 

She told me that she has been on and off talking with her 1st love, someone she met overseas when she was a teenager. She slept with him many years ago in her teens, but never had any type of relationship with him because he lives in another country. She has not had a physical relationship with him while we are married, rather an emotional relationship. What bothered me most is she has been on and off talking with him for at least 6 years and has had feelings, whether they are a fantasy, or real, for many years and kept this from me. I do not regret having our children, they are the love of my life and the love of hers. But I am having a hard time with the fact that she has has 2 children with me and claims she never has been in love with me.

She messages or talks with this other man daily. They tell each other hey love each other. They have been communication since the past September this time around. He broke up with his live in girlfriend of 5 years because of their relationship (according to my wife). All hard for me to digest and am surprised how deep of an emotional relationship she is in with this person. I am also surprised that I am not devastated. I keep waiting for the despair and pain to come but I am not feeling it.

We as we talked I told my wife I loved her and loved our family and wanted to go to therapy to at least be able to look our kids in the eye when they are older and tell them mom and dad did everything they could to try to save our marriage. Even though I am not madly in love with my wife, I still love her as a person and know I could be in love with her again. I am committed to trying everything to keep our family together but she is not sure she is. I understand she feels differently because she is in a "relationship" with someone else. I fear that she may not put in 100%. Having a relationship with this man will be very difficult for her. He would have to move to the US, leave a good job etc...I am worried she will break up our family for a fantasy. I also realize I have to let her work through her own feelings and I need to worry about mine. She has acknowledged that what she has done is f'd up and I accept responsibility for emotionally checking out over the years and not showing her the love an appreciation she deserves. We take equal responsibility. I just feel like I need to fight for it for our kids.

Things are very calm and business as usual. We have our 1st appointment with a therapist in a few weeks. I notice now that she has her cell phone with her at all times since she probably thinks I will look through it to see their communications. She is probably right. He other change is she seems to be covering herself up when normally she would walk around naked, getting ready after showers. I asked her if she planned on talking with her boyfriend (don't even know what to call him) while we were seeing if we can work things out. She said she did not plan to stop speaking with him. I don't see that as being committed to trying to work it out. I will bring it up in therapy. 

How long do try to work it out before I move on? Again, I am most worried about how this will effect my son. My daughter is still too young to know the difference. I know my wife would not keep my children from me. She is a great Mom and has a great family who I love very much. I know if we did end the marriage, our kids would have a great life that included both of us. My struggle is I travel a lot for work so she would be the primary care giver. I have no problem supporting my kids. I do have a probably supporting my wife and her boyfriend. My wife said she would not try to get money from me and would get a job. I believe she is telling the truth but worry about the law and what it would do to me financially. I have worked hard to provide for our family a nice quality of life. Everything I have done has been to improve my families quality of life. The one thing I failed to do was stop and see my wife was slipping away from me.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

lovemykids2 said:


> How long do try to work it out before I move on?



I was moved by your post.

I learned the hard way you cannot make someone love you who doesn't love you. That seems to be what you are trying to do.

As for the kids, it's always tough but just be the best parent you can, love your kids unconditionally and it will be fine in the end. When my wife ran off with a family friend my teenage daughter fell to pieces and went from a model student to being expelled... I made it a point to love her and remain open for her and she states that is what helped turn her life around a few years later.

My advice is to let her go. Sad to say but look ahead for better times. I think you are wishing upon a star with her.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

lovemykids2 said:


> This is my first time posting on TAM. I have been married for almost 9 years, am in my mid 30's, have a 20 month old daughter and a 5 year old son who I adore. My wife and I have know each other since we were 17 years old but did not become a couple until a few years after college. Our marriage has been ok over the years, ups and downs like every relationship has.
> 
> My wife and I are opposite. I am outgoing, passionate and can controlling at times (due to my drive to succeed and keep moving forward). My wife is content (or was), calm, and takes her time with everything.
> 
> ...


No "boyfriends" while she is living in the home, you are financing her romance. Demand on no-contact or file for divorce. As long as she has split attention, she's never going to focus on her marriage.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

carolinadreams said:


> No "boyfriends" while she is living in the home, you are financing her romance. Demand on no-contact or file for divorce. As long as she has split attention, she's never going to focus on her marriage.


:iagree:


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## lovemykids2 (Apr 22, 2013)

She is the primary caregiver of our children. I ask her to leave and they leave with her. They would move an hour away. I can't handle not having my kids yet. I truly have no animosity towards her. I agree that she will not be 100 percent while continuing her emotional relationship with this other person. I am going to see how therapy goes. Next will be a trial separation. She can explore her feelings then if need be. She has asked if I wanted to date other people to explore if I really loved her as well. She has a point, but I am not looking to do that now. 

I don't view it as financing her romance in my home. She takes care of the kids, cooks, and does other household things. The home is a normal environment for our kids while we see where this goes. I am trying to keep in mind she takes things slow. I also feel I need to slow down and focus on myself. Whether we stay together or not, I think therapy will make us better parents, help with moving on, and help me not make the same mistakes again in my next relationship.


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## lovemykids2 (Apr 22, 2013)

When I said "I have a problem supporting my wife and her boyfriend" I meant in the event we got a divorce, and he actually moved here"


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

lovemykids2 said:


> When I said "I have a problem supporting my wife and her boyfriend" I meant in the event we got a divorce, and he actually moved here"


That's an excuse for hanging on.

Try and get max custody for your kids and make certain all your time with them is quality time.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

lovemykids2 said:


> She is the primary caregiver of our children. I ask her to leave and they leave with her. They would move an hour away. I can't handle not having my kids yet. I truly have no animosity towards her. I agree that she will not be 100 percent while continuing her emotional relationship with this other person. I am going to see how therapy goes. Next will be a trial separation. She can explore her feelings then if need be. She has asked if I wanted to date other people to explore if I really loved her as well. She has a point, but I am not looking to do that now.
> 
> I don't view it as financing her romance in my home. She takes care of the kids, cooks, and does other household things. The home is a normal environment for our kids while we see where this goes. I am trying to keep in mind she takes things slow. I also feel I need to slow down and focus on myself. Whether we stay together or not, I think therapy will make us better parents, help with moving on, and help me not make the same mistakes again in my next relationship.


Why do they leave with her? Why does that follow? 

I have to ask why are you here? Why did you marry this woman? If you are fine being passive, and just accepting whatever comes, there's absolutely no reason to be here.

Another man is attempting to take you partner. Your kids may wind up 1,000 miles away anyway, getting parented by another man, or whoever she moves to next. If you are cool with this no one here can do anything for you. We can't be angry for you, or offer advice if you are comfortable with another man stealing what is yours.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

If you have not insisted on NC then you have already given up. Move on.

If you really wanted to give the marriage a shot you would insist on NC. You would also NOT separate or give her space. Those are things you do when you are done.

Since you have children you are not taking care of them by not fighting for your marriage.

And yes you are supporting your wifes affair.

But the first thing that struck me in your post was when you called yourself controlling. For the most part when guys post that on TAM they are among the least controlling of all. But indeed if she has essentailly been nursing this affair for six years she left the marriage long ago. Her affair killed your marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You would probably be better off with individual counseling rather than joint counseling at this point.

I don't see a benefit to joint counseling as long as the other man is part of her life.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Most people here believe marriage counseling in a waste of money as long as she is seeing OM. 

You are her plan B.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

For the last 6 yrs, your mge has been a sham---no wonder things are bad

You bought into how bad things were/are---but if she has been emotionally with this guy for the last 6 yrs---your mge has had no chance---and you have just gone along, thinking a lot of this is your doing

Now she is acting like a woman who has to live with you, as roommates, and her lover is controlling your mge from overseas, as in, she now won't show herself to you, as she doesn't consider herself to be yours anymore---she is now his, and as I said just above---he is controlling her, and your mge.

I understand you have a problem with your work, especially traveling, unless you can switch things around and stay local-----

It doesn't sound like there is much hope for the mge---so why bother wasting money with counseling----give her, her D---but tell her, she does not get to take the kids----I am sure she will immediately run to her lover----I think if you get a good atty---her wanting to leave the country, may have some affect, on how the judge issues his/her custody/alimony/property settlements

You haven't had a wife for 6 yrs------your wife has had you believing the mge was terrible, even as she deceived you into believing that the mge was terrible----time to move on


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## lovemykids2 (Apr 22, 2013)

Thank you for the feedback. I am feeling differently today as a result. I am starting to feel anger but will keep it at bay for the kids sake. We do have an appointment to see a therapist. I told my wife that she needed to make a decision rather quickly whether she is going to stop her EA and give 100% to trying to save our marriage. I am going to focus on this our first session. If she is not willing to stop contact, I will ask her to leave. She clarified for me that she has been on and off talking with this person for 4 years (mostly off) but things have developed to where they are since this past September. I know she is the main reason we have grown apart, however I still cannot help feel like I made it easier for her. I got caught up in life after the birth of our first child. I stopped showing affection (other than sex), did not make her feel special, did not give her time to herself. She has been a great mom and that has become her identity. She expressed her needing time away from the kids for some time to herself and I was not always the best at providing that to her. I agree I need individual therapy to get down to the reasons I shut down emotionally. 

I am going to keep my head held high knowing that I am trying regardless of the result. I am going to be the best father I can be to my children.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How are you going to care for your children if she leaves? If she goes to visit him after separation, how will you be able to travel for work? In the event of D, would you accept her getting the house and having OM move in? Complicated and painful.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

lovemykids2 said:


> *I don't view it as financing her romance in my home. *


But that is EXACTLY what you are doing with your passive attitude at this whole situation. You really do need to get angry. Some horny dude is romancing your wife right under your nose knowing full well she is married and you seem perfectly ok with it. She is losing respect for you as we speak because of this.

If that's your approach, then good luck with that and get ready for divorce. If you honestly want to save your marriage you need to get pissed off with what is truly intolerable behavior on her part.

You need to law down the law with her ... hardcore! Lose the passive, over-sensitive beta-man, metro-sexual attitude as of yesterday.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

> She told me she does not think she was ever in love with me and has just been going through the motions because that is what she though she was supposed to do. She said felt like she has lost herself and wants some space, no sex, etc.


This always means "I have found someone else." Everytime, it is the textbook speech that waywards give their spouse. 

See, in order to justify their actions that they know are wrong deep down, the humand mind rewrites history, and you know its all imagined or distorted. "We were never happy in our marriage, not even in the beginning...I had children thinking things would change...never "in love" with you...married too young...and the worst, "need to find myself". Gag...

The others are right, there is no hope as long as this other "love" is clouding things up. If she cannot cut all contact, for life, then you might as well divorce.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

lovemykids2 said:


> I asked her if she planned on talking with her boyfriend (don't even know what to call him) while we were seeing if we can work things out. She said she did not plan to stop speaking with him. I don't see that as being committed to trying to work it out. I will bring it up in therapy.


This is ridiculous. She knows it, you know it, the MC will know it.
It's the same song which she sang during all marriage. She was never fully comited as she has been cheating with him all the time. You never had a real chance, a husband with a real relationship can't never compete with a fantasy. While you were unawhare of where she was I have no dounbt her detachement, her double emotional life clearly played a role in the relationship dynamic. It's more than obvious. No wonder she feels "was never in love with you".

MC is a complet waste of time and money while she's involved with OM. Any MC with half a brain will tell you.
No chance in hell. Skip it and go for D already. Don't waste your energies, its futile. It will only will serve to make her feel better about herself: "I tried". Only she's not trying at all. She never tried actually.
I feel if she even goes NC with OM still the marriage is doomed. She loves fantasy (has been living in it for years) so NC doesn't mean she won't go "there" in her head. She will always compare the idealized version of a potential relationship with this men (that she never had) with the disapointment of reality. Keep in mind she has been placing the blame of her "unhappyness" on your shortomings for years and years. A walk very difficult, likely imposible to un-walk. This is her perception = the truth.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

My guess is that if she agrees to NC, she will only take it underground. There has never been a marriage. So sorry OP. I see no way other than D. Look at the bright side, now you can move forward with a real life hopefully with a real partner. Your children will actually benefit from you regaining your respect and happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Op you can still be a great dad and be divorced. As long as you stay in your current situation you are enabling her affair. Are you sure he has not visited the country recently? It would not be uncommon for you to not have all of the information yet. 

Keep doing the same thing and you can expect the same results. I doubt counseling will help when she is actively involvd with om. I can't see how that would work. 

Good luck. 
Wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

lovemykids2 said:


> The one thing I failed to do was stop and see my wife was slipping away from me.


And that you were slipping away from her.

T


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## Adrienne (Apr 10, 2013)

Hey OP
I get the reason you want MC. You want to know you did everything possible for your kids and to give your family every chance of succeeding. Even if MC doesn't work, it's for your peace of mind in the future. I say go to MC. You are worth that investment in yourself. Also, if you and your wife decide to D, the MC can help make the transition as smooth as possible. Do what you need to do for you.


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## Nicole811 (Apr 22, 2013)

I am sorry that you are experiencing this. What really gets me is the fact that she refuses to cut off communication with this man while the two of you are in therapy. I feel that there is no need to go to therapy at this point. She has already chosen this guy over you. She doesn't have enough respect for you or your family if she truly wanted to work on the marriage, she would haves ceased all communication until she figured out what she wanted to do. 

That's like someone telling you that they want help to get off drugs, they sign up to go to rehab, and they take the drugs with them and use them the entire time. Does that sound like someone who cares about the situation?

Sounds like she is telling you that she wants counseling so that she can look like the sweet person that she is and say that she tried. It's on paper. No gilt for her! Her mind is
already made up. Her actions show.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nicole811 (Apr 22, 2013)

I forgot to say good luck. Whatever is best will work out for you. Your post just upset me so much because people are so selfish. Why make you run in circles just so that she can protect her reputation? This may not be the case, but that's what it sounds like to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovemykids2 (Apr 22, 2013)

ironman said:


> But that is EXACTLY what you are doing with your passive attitude at this whole situation. You really do need to get angry. Some horny dude is romancing your wife right under your nose knowing full well she is married and you seem perfectly ok with it. She is losing respect for you as we speak because of this.
> 
> If that's your approach, then good luck with that and get ready for divorce. If you honestly want to save your marriage you need to get pissed off with what is truly intolerable behavior on her part.
> 
> You need to law down the law with her ... hardcore! Lose the passive, over-sensitive beta-man, metro-sexual attitude as of yesterday.


I was in shock since she dropped this bomb on Sunday night. I looked at the cell bill today and there was about 100 text sent and received internationally. There was also a charge for that. It set me off. Told her I wanted her to leave because i cannot contain my emotions. Let her know that if she continues contact then we are finished. i refuse to take the blame for her deceit. She is doing this to our family and i let her know that.


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## nothingtodeclare (Apr 13, 2013)

*Re: Re: How I got here*



lovemykids2 said:


> I was in shock since she dropped this bomb on Sunday night. I looked at the cell bill today and there was about 100 text sent and received internationally. There was also a charge for that. It set me off. Told her I wanted her to leave because i cannot contain my emotions. Let her know that if she continues contact then we are finished. i refuse to take the blame for her deceit. She is doing this to our family and i let her know that.


Bingo, make it stick.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

lovemykids2 said:


> I was in shock since she dropped this bomb on Sunday night. I looked at the cell bill today and there was about 100 text sent and received internationally. There was also a charge for that. It set me off. Told her I wanted her to leave because i cannot contain my emotions. Let her know that if she continues contact then we are finished. i refuse to take the blame for her deceit. She is doing this to our family and i let her know that.



Good. That's a start, but you need to take it further. Blowup her affair. Cut her cellphone/internet etc if those are options. Make her choose! (but I wouldn't phrase it that way to her) If she can't .. then you have to be willing to throw her out with divorce papers in hand. Whatever you do don't stand by idle while she carries on with this guy. In other words, demand respect ... b/c you have not been getting it from her for a long time it seems.

And for heaven's sake don't do a trial separation. That's like *giving her permission to sleep with other men *... and it will happen if you take that route.

If you take a harder stance with her she'll see that you care about her (and yourself for that matter). I suspect that is what has been lacking in your relationship based on your OP.


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