# Thought love would fix everything!



## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

I am 4 months into working on my marriage, after W's 8 month affair. I couldn't imagine us being any closer right now. We are head over heals for each other and having the best time together.

My issue is that I am still obsessing about the lying and cheating. When I find myself getting caught up in how great everything is, my alter-ego seems to ask "What the hell are you doing?" Do you remember what she did to you? Why are you letting this slide?

Believe me, I would love to be able to put this all behind me, but I cannot control what pops into my head.

Does it ever get to the point where no matter how much you love someone, some people just cannot get over cheating? I know it takes time and I will definitely give it more time. I am just posing this question to those who have gone through a similar situation. I'm just baffled that my relationship could be so great and I still have these horrible thoughts.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Believe me, I would love to be able to put this all behind me, but I cannot control what pops into my head.


Actually, you CAN control what pops into your head - right now it's difficult. The reason?

It's a habit. Did you ride a bike when you were a kid? Think you still can? It's a learned behavior and many learned behaviors become 'second nature.' How about driving a car. Remember how difficult that was when you first began? Now you can drive and argue with your wife at the same time....the driving has become a habit.

When the idea pops into your head - immediately modify it. Over time, this will become second nature - you won't even need to think about it.

It just takes time. And the willingness to actually do the work.


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> Actually, you CAN control what pops into your head - right now it's difficult. The reason?
> 
> It's a habit. Did you ride a bike when you were a kid? Think you still can? It's a learned behavior and many learned behaviors become 'second nature.' How about driving a car. Remember how difficult that was when you first began? Now you can drive and argue with your wife at the same time....the driving has become a habit.
> 
> ...



I have had the same struggle these last few days....I call it "stinkin thinkin". My thoughts alwAys run to "he has alwYs been looking for something different (Internet EAs). Maybe I should just let him go find it so he will quit hurting me". After all... If we aren't together, I can't get hurt again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> ...After all... If we aren't together, I can't get hurt again.


From his particular actions and your resultant perceptions and thoughts......unless you learn to combat the habit - it will haunt you in other venues...


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## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

I guess I am aware enough to realize that a good portion of my hang up is due to my own inability to let things go. I can logically see that my wife is doing everything she can to show that she loves me and is working on our relationship. I guess I am just afraid that she is somewhat "forcing" this latest shift back to our marriage again. I am afraid she saw how hurt I was and didn't want to be the person to be causing that much pain and she is now just doing what she thinks is right, and not what's in her heart.

She has told me she is over the OM and she says she is sorry for what she did. However, I don't get how she can make such a 180 so quickly. 8 months of sneaking around have an affair and falling in love with someone else, then 3 weeks later saying she is over it? I'm not saying this isn't possible, but I guess I just need some more explanation on how that can happen? What does she see now that is different a couple of months ago? How has her views changed?

I think if I got more insight into how she views things differently now and some more discussion on her feelings then vs. now, I may be able to feel better that this reconciling that we are doing is genuine. I guess I haven't felt that deep down remorse and insight into how the A looks to her now that she has had time to be away from it. 

I know everyone will say to simply ask her, and I will. Until writing this, I was able to articulate what I felt was missing. Any insight into what others have done, or witnesses in this area would be helpful.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> She has told me she is over the OM and she says she is sorry for what she did. However, I don't get how she can make such a 180 so quickly. 8 months of sneaking around have an affair and falling in love with someone else, then 3 weeks later saying she is over it? I'm not saying this isn't possible, but I guess I just need some more explanation on how that can happen? What does she see now that is different a couple of months ago? How has her views changed?


My guess is that she is not applying the same definition to the word 'over' that you are using. She may be telling you that she has left the Other Guy behind and is working on the marriage - in which case, the affair is 'over'. On the other hand, she could be telling you this because she does not like to see you hurt. 

Keep in mind that the past is entirely gone. It does not exist. Only the present does. And what you two are doing NOW has ramifications for your future (which also does not exist - yet.) 

You are right, you need to ask her - and let her answer freely, without fear of you hurting her for answering, etc. Let her know she is free and safe to talk to you about anything. 



> I can logically see that my wife is doing everything she can to show that she loves me and is working on our relationship. I guess I am just afraid that she is somewhat "forcing" this latest shift back to our marriage again. I am afraid she saw how hurt I was and didn't want to be the person to be causing that much pain and she is now just doing what she thinks is right, and not what's in her heart.


Don't you think that the fact that she saw the hurt and doesn't want you to hurt is EVIDENCE that she experiences affection for you? If she had decided not to love you, she wouldn't be concerned about your emotions.

Moreover, as has been pointed out numerous times, the fact that someone begins work on a marriage is the FIRST step toward creating emotions that we lump together to call 'love'. Love is not an emotion, at all. Affection, desire, concern, etc... all of these lumped together form an emotional melange we call 'love.'

But actual love is and only is action. It is how you treat another person. 

But even if you still want to hold onto an incorrect definition of the term love (a 'single' emotion) - there is still this to consider:

You grow into this emotion. No one falls into love on first sight. At best, that first emotion is a form of lust - you like the physical image of a person you saw, you pick up pheromones that stimulate sexual desire, etc. It takes getting to know a person for other emotions to build up: when you begin to learn what that person sounds like, what they like, dislike, etc., you begin to experience other emotions - and build on the ones you experienced before. Or the reverse - you learn things that you don't like - and the resulting emotions are lessened until they are gone. The lumped together string of emotions (what people like to call love) fades away.

Here's a secret to a good marriage: BUILD that basket of emotions (if emotions are the things you depend on for your life.) You didn't know how to ride a bike from the time you saw one - you had to build up the habits that made you a good bike rider. The same with love. Over time, you get better and better at loving your partner - you do more and more of the things that create positive emotional responses in them. It takes time and effort. 

The error that so many people fall into - and the reason there are SO MANY affairs and divorces, is that people want to be passive in their relationship. They want to experience emotions - but they neglect to remember that emotions are RESPONSES to thoughts. And thoughts are often interpretations of perceived actions - your mate does something, you interpret it - and then experience a resulting emotion. So people sit around, thinking their marriage is good because they are experiencing positive emotions - but they neglect to keep DOING things that can be interpreted positively. And so, over time, as actions that create NEGATIVE responses occur, their emotional basket is emptied - the fire is snuffed out.

It takes continual work, piling kindling and wood on that fire for the resulting flames (emotions) to result. 

Your wife is doing EXACTLY what must be done - she is also doing what YOU should be doing. She is practicing at love, she is putting wood on the fire. 

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that emotions just 'occur' as if by magic (they can - since they are chemical reactions - sometimes your body releases hormones for no reason at all...) - be PROACTIVE and CREATE those emotions. That's what your wife is doing.

You are still stuck in the trap of thinking that your wife must initially have the basket of emotions you call love - that it must somehow have been placed there mysteriously by...angels? Wizards? No - that basket is CREATED from her thoughts about you. And she IS thinking about you. And that fire is building. Please don't try to extinguish it by telling her she should have a fire without fuel. That's a ridiculous request.

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Now playing: Buddy Guy - Stay All Night
via FoxyTunes


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## up2me (Apr 15, 2010)

I have not read all of these detailed post but want you to know that I understand what you are feeling completely. I to battle letting it go and can't seem to kick the habit so to speak. I struggle with "why should I let it go?" and "why can't I let it go?". I worry the pain from an affair has cut so deep the wound simply can't heal. He says all the right things yet I don't get that part of him that he gave to her. Can you really move forward when there is a part you can't give to you spouse but to another? Sorry, I know I'm probably not helping just wanted you to know you're not alone.


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

noona said:


> I guess I am aware enough to realize that a good portion of my hang up is due to my own inability to let things go. I can logically see that my wife is doing everything she can to show that she loves me and is working on our relationship. I guess I am just afraid that she is somewhat "forcing" this latest shift back to our marriage again. I am afraid she saw how hurt I was and didn't want to be the person to be causing that much pain and she is now just doing what she thinks is right, and not what's in her heart.
> 
> 
> Noona,
> ...


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

For me after my wife's long term affair, I have been able to forgive and haven't had a problem at all in that area. I do have moments of trust issues, moments where I wonder where she is at or get worried if I can't get ahold of her right away, that is more the area I struggle with. But it's a process. 

As someone said, I know that she's working on it, and showing me that she loves me, and things really are doing great. But it's a process, and it's not easy either. Just take it day by day and take control of your emotions.


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## AJ2010 (Apr 2, 2010)

I'm having the same type of issues in my marriage after finding out about my wife's EA. How do you retrain your mind to think about other things when the bad thoughts pop up?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

The first thing you have to do is acknowledge the 'bad thought' - identify it and label it - something like 'that won't help'. You need to have a replacement thought to insert after that - come up with a list of replacements so that you have one ready when you need it - write them down if it helps.

At first, _this will seem completely artificial and may even feel silly_ - but over time you will begin to do it automatically, and eventually the habit you want to get rid of will be gone - replaced by the new one.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Speaking only for myself, when I first ended contact with the OM I did think of him (as in, have a thought of him pop into my mind) and when I did, I had two things ready: a) I purposely at that moment thought of something about my Dear Hubby that I liked, and b) I purposely thought of something to do to keep myself busy and "preoccupy" my mind so I didn't spend time stewing or daydreaming or replaying things in my mind. 

When my first husband left me for his mistress, I actually took yellow sticky notes and posted them all over the house. "I'm capable" "I am a good woman" and so on, to counteract the voice inside my head that was criticizing me.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I feel everything you say as well, we somehow even though our spouses are showing us they have changed, we don't believe it could be true that they now have chosen us.
my therapist told me to slow down, he said you shouldn't trust yet, believe from the actions of my spouse and eventually I will trust and I will again believe in his commitment to our relationship.
He said the key is giving it time and enough time to see the longevity of his commitment.
He told me it was impossible for me to make the decision to trust and forgive totally at this point...
He said it's like a wound, if you had a wound on your leg you wouldn't rush that healing process, it just happens by doing all the right things......but it takes time....
He told me also to know that my relationship with my husband will not be the same as it was but it could be better if I focused on the positives and not let the negative thinking break down what good is happening.....
It's all normal for all of us going through this experience....
I'm trying to work at making it the best I can make it and I'm trying to just push the negative parts out and change the way I think about things.....
we are strong enough and we are worth the results it will get us......


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## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

I appreciate the post Jessi. What you say makes a lot of sense. Lately, I have been thinking I need to stop worrying about what my wife is doing and focus more on me and only worry about what I can control. I need to get in a better frame of mind and stop dwelling on what she has done and start to look at what is happening now.

I fear that she is convincing herself to stay rather than feeling it in her heart. That's not really my call. I can only worried about how I impact the relationship. I am getting enough confidence to know I am a good husband and person and if she does not want to stick through this, then I can live with that and still be proud of who I am. Slowly, but surely, this up tick in confidence is making it easier for me to move past the affair. Her cheating on me does not make me less of of a person and I shouldn't be siting around feeling sorry for myself, that just makes it worse! Still working on this though........


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I fear that she is convincing herself to stay rather than feeling it in her heart.


That may very well be - especially at first, until the thrill of the affair fades. But it in _no way_ excludes the fact that every action designed at recovering your marriage by either you OR her build love feelings in her (and you.) In fact - that is the ONLY way love EVER grows. So keep it up. Things WILL get better.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

noona said:


> I fear that she is convincing herself to stay rather than feeling it in her heart.


If I can offer some hope here ... when my wife and I started our journey of healing, really the reason that she was willing to work on it was for our kids. She even literally said that if it weren't for the kids she would want a divorce. Now 3 months later she is able to say to me a couple of days ago that she realizes now that she doesn't really love the other man, she can say again that she does love me, and things are getting so much better between us. 

Now we have healed much faster than most couples can or will. But the point I'm trying to encourage you on, is that I agree with Pete above me; just because the starting place may not be where you want it, doesn't mean that it can't lead to where you want to wind up. It can work.


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

God has wired us men with a pride that when it is challenged or stepped on, we usually do not know how to deal with it. You need to invest all your time money and effort to your wife and family. Lead your heart to her and do not follow your heart. This will change what goes on in your mind!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Lead your heart to her and do not follow your heart.


Exactly - emotions follow prior thoughts. Do the right thing, think the correct thoughts, and your emotions will respond accordingly...


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## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

This has helped a bit in that I am at least able to rationalize with myself that this "issue" I am having is within me, not something my wife is doing. I have been sitting back waiting for her to convince me that everything is OK and she is totally over the A and in love with me. I should be focused on what i can do and what i can control. Worrying about her is not a productive way to go through life.

Now, having said that, it is much easier said than done. I need to stop being paranoid about her not being in this 100% and the possibility that she finds out that the OM is what she wants. I need to mustard up the confidence to be comfortable that I am doing whatever i can to make our relationship work. This take s a big man I am guessing. Not the man I thought I was before this happened. I guess what doesn't kill you will make you stronger? We'll see.

Thanks again for the advice. I really enjoying putting some babble out here and having you guys make sense of it and help me progress!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Now, having said that, it is much easier said than done.


 Oh yeah! It gets easier over time....

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Now playing: ZZ Top - Dreadmonboogaloo
via FoxyTunes


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

First of all, good for you for sticking it out and working on it. Working through an affair is tough! And - not everyone can get through the emotional ups and downs of the process. But many do - and some report being even stronger than they were before.

It sounds as though your partner is doing everything right when it comes to behaving in a way that you feel secure but it's your brain that messes with you. It's an understandable fear response you're having because an affair represents an incredible threat to the attachment that we as humans need so much.

I believe that time will help this - as your guy continues to be patient and consistent with you to create safety - the fear response will decrease. I cannot guarantee the thinking won't pop up here and there for years to come - but with the way things are going it seems likely that the meaning you attach to it will change. What feels like a punch in the gut will hopefully fade out into a blip on the radar.

Hang in there!


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