# Just wondering..



## mynameis (Sep 8, 2009)

If it is acceptable to other women in relationships of many years with children and family life, for your spouse/dh to make plans for himself and when you are confused or it conflicts with other plans or what have you, and you want to address this and he says, "IM An Adult! I can do what I want" 

Is that normal? I am feeling totally confused and hurt by it. 
My spouse is an alcoholic, I won't get into any details(yet) hehe
But he reuinited with an old friend from party days, who is single. 

His friend got a new turantula, a new jeep which my spouse has been lusting after since he got it, and anyways, the getting together has happened so much lately, I am already tired of it, but the fact he is an alcoholic, we live where many berries or fruits grow naturally, and he has been taking off using picking berries for wine as another way to hang with his friend. 
Im not against this, but when its on my birthday or the kids first day of school or something its like he is running away from us, and when anyone complains he yells that he is a grown up and can do whateVer he wants. 
He also began lusting after surfing. . . He has sunk us into the hole about $1400 this last month with trips hours away to surf, rentals etc and also does this with his old friend. 

It's like, we have had many discussions of this because his attitude is ditch us all, takes the car etc, and I am unhappy.. Theres sometimes no warning at all its just what happens and I am stuck at home, and by the time he is home, he is too drunk to care how I feel, actually even sober he seems to care less than one would expect. 

I just feel like maybe I am wrong but of course I also feel I am right so I am conflicted. 
I would never just take off from my kids and him and say suck it up get a grip, I am living my life. 

Is this some sort of mid life crisis? 
He is 36 and I am 27.. is that possible? 

I feel so crappy everyday. I cry alot because I don't seem to really know this person anymore or understand why I deserve no respect or whatever it is I feel I am missing which I don't even know forsure anymore. 

Anyways, he is actually going out tonight (kids last summer night school starts tomorrow, so he can pick peaches with his friend and get more weed???) and I tried to say while cooking dinner, I thought it was innapropriate since we should do something with the kids (also asked why he never makes plans to do anything with us?) and he said he is entitled to be with his friend as much as he wants, and he is an adult and can do whatever he wants so pretty much I should just back off and I replied, you don't even realize how much you hurt me lately with your comments and came downstairs looking for some sort of support before I go out of my mind. 
I am just sitting here half in tears because I don't understand anymore why everyday is about him and wine and this dude.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Sounds like he's an asshat that you are having to carry through life rather than being your partner in life. Drunks never learn until they lose everything.

At 27 you have a shot of finding someone new to make a life with. Don't wait too long.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

How long as he been an alcoholic?

Maybe the fact is, his outburst (I"M A MAN" talk) work...
or he wouldn't do it.

My husband ever gets that lame and immature, I'm going 
to show him what a big, bad, scary momma I can be !
and momma will win... put his immature butt in line ! I'd have to pull
out my wodden spoon and use it on him
and he would be listening
or I'd crack it over his head.


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## mynameis (Sep 8, 2009)

Thanks for the replies. 

My update is that I am leaving for a few days. 
This is the first time in doing something like this so even tho it seems so simple its so scary and hard. 

The dynamics of our relationship, the disrespect and his control, leaves me with a few dollars today and a bus depot. But I'll take it, even though I'm not proud of having only that option at this point.

My daughter just started school and he has never ever been responsible for a thing to do with the home, or the pets or the kids so I feel very nervous about leaving her, but I desperately need a few days to myself to think. 
It would seem inconsiderate of me to not take her but it would be selfish to rip her out of her surroundings and school from her sibling and what not just to have her sit at my sisters a few hours away while i do this thinking and probably crying right? 

I don't know whats the right decision right now but i am going to just go. I have justified not going for so long or taking anything or time for me, that it's one of the problems, I can solve on my own today.

When we tried to discuss what my needs are vs his.. he refused to acknowledge my needs since they may conflict with his. And that to me.. is not what I expected from someone who is interested in working things out. 

When I say, ok I am willing to deal with your erractic lifestyle right now.. but maybe have consideration for us, since when you go out, you leave us with no vehicle, Perhaps you could give the option of us dropping you off, or a friend picking you up, that way it doesn't seem so harsh like we aren't entitled to a life while you gallovant through your mid life crisis.. 
It's no. He gets to decide and do what he wants, theres no if ands or buts. 
Thouroughly frustrating since I was trying to come to some sort of compromise and all he did was shut everything down. but will say to me, if everytime i do what i want to do, the result is you needing to show me the light and error of my ways, and explain to me how I hurt you, then its end of story, i dont want that. 
And I'll say something like, ok so you want me to be here when ya want me, and expect me to desire not at thing from you so essentially your single and the other portion you use me for cleaning the house or when you do want to snuggle, is that it? 
That's how it seems, like I should be this person with no brain or voice, and have no wants or expectations. 

If you going to be late, call please.. so we can continue dinner not waiting or not worry you had a car accident.. is that too much to ask. 

Apparently it is.... and I can't accept that anymore. 
I can go on about my life like he isn't part of it, tend to the home, the kids, the bills whatever, but why don't i just move out and do it alone and maybe start seeking some sort of companionship elsewhere, because as long as I'm here I refuse to replace him emotionally or sexually while he is away. Though I know many people do do that, I am fighting that so hard. 

So he has anyways, basically said theres no solutions, but i hate you being angry at me, or im sick of you crying, so get out let me live my life. 

While I am going to kind of listen and go take 3 days visiting my sister... I am not going to return to walk out with nothing but a few bucks to survive off of like he expects. 
Why should I saccrifice everything I have helped acheive or worked for, because he is unwilling to participate in creating a happier understanding. 

This is a big thought for me, I've spent years believing I get squat, and I have to bare the consequence of his behaviour... but today I realized, if he wants to do what he wants to do, he can go do it somewhere himself I don't need to accomodate him an ounce further and by leaving and not ruffling any feathers, that is exactly what I would be doing. 


Atleast thats how I feel in this moment

It feels good to let some things out. Knowing others may agree or can offer constructive critisism, or who even take the time to lend their eyes


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

There isn't the least thing about your husband that's adult-like. Adults take responsibility for their family. Adults have priorities and put important things first, partying second. 

He may be of his age of majority, but he is no adult.

You can tell him so for me!


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## mynameis (Sep 8, 2009)

dobo said:


> There isn't the least thing about your husband that's adult-like. Adults take responsibility for their family. Adults have priorities and put important things first, partying second.
> 
> He may be of his age of majority, but he is no adult.
> 
> You can tell him so for me!


He is successful at his job - that counts right?
I'm not looking for it to count majorly, but if I ever tried to incinuate what I do believe and what you said, he would pull that, he works card on me and end of discussion all else is fair because he has to work.

His main motivation is work... so he can drink and do what he wants... then when he isnt doin that, family but he is always so annoyed and doesnt engage in any activitiy with any of the children anyways, so sometimes its like just go away your a freakin drag to be around. 

So yeah, I appreciate that he works, he supports this home more than I have financially.. but is that suppose to erase everything I have done.. my saccrifces to support his success and hobbies and ideas.. and what financial contributions I have made over time? 

Would he be where he is today without me? I doubt it highly. 
Would I be where I am today.. um miserable? Maybe but maybe not!!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

So he's earned the right to be abusive and disrespectful and to disregard the needs of his family? Does he really believe that all a family needs is money?

I'd leave this kind of person. He's a jerk, for one thing.

Honestly, ask him if you get a job does that mean that you can pull the "I'm an adult, I can do anything I want" card out whenever you want, too? And if you did that, then who would be responsible for things around the house? How would that work for him?

I would be thinking exit strategy here. Get a job. Get independent and watch this guy's idea of freedom and control crumble.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I'm more concerned right now with the fact that you left your kids with an alcoholic who only wants to go out and party, and is as you put it "annoyed and does not engage in any activity with the children anyways". If you needed to get away, fine, but your kids are your responsibility, especially since he sounds as if he is in NO condition to care for and nurture them properly. IMO its more than "inconsiderate" for you NOT to take your kids with you.


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## mynameis (Sep 8, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> I'm more concerned right now with the fact that you left your kids with an alcoholic who only wants to go out and party, and is as you put it "annoyed and does not engage in any activity with the children anyways". If you needed to get away, fine, but your kids are your responsibility, especially since he sounds as if he is in NO condition to care for and nurture them properly. IMO its more than "inconsiderate" for you NOT to take your kids with you.


I agree. 
And 25 minutes to my bus out of town yesterday, I had to cancel. 
Which makes me feel ashamed of my certainty at the time but yes, it was a poor decision. My daughter (he has 2 children as well) was very upset. 
I couldn't leave her since, well I'm a mom first, always, even though I try to take a moment, my heart tugged at me and put me where I feel msot comfortable anyways. 
And my daughter was very hostile about all of the situation lately, and threw a penny as she was crying and I was trying ton console her, and my spouse yelled at her for doing so and called her rediculous for crying. 
Even more in that minute, did I realize how poor of an idea it is to leave her with him. 

Its infuriating after you know 8 years, that I've never had him sit at home and watch the kids.. not to get my hair done or anything. I have never felt he could handle it, without being a di#k. And he reconfirmed to me, Why! I was appauled and mortified, and said to my spouse, you do not call a child crying about especially her mom leaving, or about having to move out, or switch schools, or even about her pet dying, that she is rediculous, she is entitled to be upset and she should have the freedom to do so without being talked down to. 
I agree she shouldn't throw things especially pennys near a big tv or sliding glass door, but theres a better way to deal with that, then screaming at someone and calling them down, whatever happened to, its ok honey - I know your upset right now. You shouldn't throw things though, that isn't a good way to deal with your emotions,.... etc 

Things have really dissolved at this point. 
The only person happy in this family, is him right now and he is so self centered he will not recognize that, or that he is contributing to the unhappiness. 
How stupid of him to focus more on how other people can change their happiness by not being around him more, rather than how he can change his affect on someones happiness. 

But I don't need to analyze and critique what he does or doesn't do anymore, I need to focus on what I can do, and though it's so so so hard to pull the plug and quit, it's really the most necessary thing to do at this point for the benefit of the children (or mine, because I have no right or claim to his) and the only way I can see a change for myself. 

Sure it's not him doing a darn thing which I guess I feel resentment of, atleast my needs are immediately met right? 

This has all came to a very serious head and I don't know if it's that I am older now.. late 20's, I don't know what I was doing or thinking previous to now, how could I have gotten so comfortably numb to it all.. and then like wake up and say that is it! I guess I don't need to understand that either I just got to let go and look to the future. 

I feel I've matured 10 years just in this last week. 
I've spent so much time confused with what was important to even discuss. It's not the details of each abusive action, it's the fact it's abusive to begin with. 
While I likely haven't made any sense going back and forth here, or by discussing with my family and friends everything at once of how I feel or think or want or dislike and comparing such to him, it's helped me realize so much. 
I feel like appologizing to my family, for having said this is what the problem is, this is what i want, and changing it 10 times over the last day or so.


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## mynameis (Sep 8, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> I'm more concerned right now with the fact that you left your kids with an alcoholic who only wants to go out and party, and is as you put it "annoyed and does not engage in any activity with the children anyways". If you needed to get away, fine, but your kids are your responsibility, especially since he sounds as if he is in NO condition to care for and nurture them properly. IMO its more than "inconsiderate" for you NOT to take your kids with you.


I agree. 
And 25 minutes to my bus out of town yesterday, I had to cancel. 
Which makes me feel ashamed of my certainty at the time but yes, it was a poor decision. My daughter (he has 2 children as well) was very upset. 
I couldn't leave her since, well I'm a mom first, always, even though I try to take a moment, my heart tugged at me and put me where I feel msot comfortable anyways. 
And my daughter was very hostile about all of the situation lately, and threw a penny as she was crying and I was trying ton console her, and my spouse yelled at her for doing so and called her rediculous for crying. 
Even more in that minute, did I realize how poor of an idea it is to leave her with him. 

Its infuriating after you know 8 years, that I've never had him sit at home and watch the kids.. not to get my hair done or anything. I have never felt he could handle it, without being a di#k. And he reconfirmed to me, Why! I was appauled and mortified, and said to my spouse, you do not call a child crying about especially her mom leaving, or about having to move out, or switch schools, or even about her pet dying, that she is rediculous, she is entitled to be upset and she should have the freedom to do so without being talked down to. 
I agree she shouldn't throw things especially pennys near a big tv or sliding glass door, but theres a better way to deal with that, then screaming at someone and calling them down, whatever happened to, its ok honey - I know your upset right now. You shouldn't throw things though, that isn't a good way to deal with your emotions,.... etc 

Things have really dissolved at this point. 
The only person happy in this family, is him right now and he is so self centered he will not recognize that, or that he is contributing to the unhappiness. 
How stupid of him to focus more on how other people can change their happiness by not being around him more, rather than how he can change his affect on someones happiness. 

But I don't need to analyze and critique what he does or doesn't do anymore, I need to focus on what I can do, and though it's so so so hard to pull the plug and quit, it's really the most necessary thing to do at this point for the benefit of the children (or mine, because I have no right or claim to his) and the only way I can see a change for myself. 

Sure it's not him doing a darn thing which I guess I feel resentment of, atleast my needs are immediately met right? 

This has all came to a very serious head and I don't know if it's that I am older now.. late 20's, I don't know what I was doing or thinking previous to now, how could I have gotten so comfortably numb to it all.. and then like wake up and say that is it! I guess I don't need to understand that either I just got to let go and look to the future. 

I feel I've matured 10 years just in this last week. 
I've spent so much time confused with what was important to even discuss. It's not the details of each abusive action, it's the fact it's abusive to begin with. 
While I likely haven't made any sense going back and forth here, or by discussing with my family and friends everything at once of how I feel or think or want or dislike and comparing such to him, it's helped me realize so much. 
I feel like appologizing to my family, for having said this is what the problem is, this is what i want, and changing it 10 times over the last day or so. 

It took all that - and now I know what the answer is and it is what I expected and not at the same time.


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