# Tired and Lonely



## Jenslp12 (Jul 27, 2013)

After what I thought was a loving relationship, my husband left me to live at a friend's a month ago. He has gone from he loves me, but isn't in love with me to wanting to move back in and then move back out 2 days later. He says he just doesn't know what he wants and frankly running a household and trying to raise a 3 year old son is just exhausting.

We don't have the money to divorce yet, and my therapist thinks he will "snap out of it", but resentment is rearing it's ugly head with all of the pressure building up from this roller coaster ride. He sees our son but comes and goes as he pleases. I agreed to let him see more of him, but it kills me every time he walks out the door.

I love him, but am lonely and becoming bitter. I don't want to drag out some sort of mid-life crisis scenario. We had our son later in life and I think the day-to-day monotony just got to him, but how is it fair that he gets to come and go while I raise my son. How long do you put up with this? I would love to think our marriage has a chance, but honestly I am self-sufficient and can survive on my own. I don't want someone who doesn't know if they want me. I'm just so lost.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

This is a terrible way to live. You are so lucky that you can survive on your own, and are self sufficient. Is there another woman?


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

So sorry to hear of your troubles. GEt a copy of _Codependent No More_ by Melody Beattie and see what applies to you. You are already in individual counseling right? 

I know about resentment; I have let resentments build in me and they have just tore me apart. Whether they are justifiable or not, resentments hurt us, not anybody else. So we have to get rid of them. I know of one way. First, you will need to admit that you don't really have any power over this marriage, over your husband, or even over your anger and resentments. For the latter, they just come right now, and you are not really able to control your thoughts (who can really?). So admit you don't have any power over them. They are going to destroy you, make you bitter and hard. 

If you are religious, perhaps God can help you, if not, there has to be some power greater than yourself that can help restore you to a balanced life. Perhaps a group of people going through marital troubles or something. Or perhaps simply the idea thatlife is not mean to be lived n bitterness but in contentment. Something.

If you can get to that point, then you'll need to commit to a process of getting rid of your own character defects. In doing so you are turing over your life to that power. 

NOw, make a list of your resentments that looks something like this: Four columns. First column: I am resentful at: husband. Reason: he did x; what role did I play; fourth, what does this affect: my self-esteem; my financial security, etc.

This list might be really really long. Do it not just about your husband but other people, institutions, etc. 

YOu'll want to examine these resentments carefully, and you might just start to see some patterns emerge. Talk to your counselor about them and process them there. If you get to that point, you are well on your way...

This is really a twelve step program way to deal with resentments...it works. Trust me. I had a 48 page list of such things, my wife taking up the lion share. NOw I am at the point of letting those go and really just starting to live free from them, and it is great.

MAybe this helps...butit won't be easy. Regardless, you have to work on yourself and I don't know of a better or easier way.


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## Jenslp12 (Jul 27, 2013)

Thank you both for the replies. It really helps. I will take your advice, for sure. He swears there isn't another woman, but who really knows...All I know is he's not with his family.


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## Jenslp12 (Jul 27, 2013)

Thank you for your feedback, I truly appreciate the support. My counselor says he needs to be a parent first and that means helping raise his son (he suggested he see him at least 3-4 nights a week). I work full time so leaving every time he comes over will be difficult, since I am so tired by the end of the day. Maybe the nights he comes over I will ask him to bathe my son, put him to bed and lock the door on the way out. I'll stay in my bedroom and shower and get ready for the next day and go to bed. He doesn't have a key. We do have some financial problems, but we have a solid plan to get ahead, and to me that's something to look forward too. My son is learning to potty train, having tantrums and asking for dada when he wakes up 3-4 times a night. I feel as though my husband "ran away" when the pressure was on, not really fair. I will always put my son first though, and if it means dealing with his dad then I will be the bigger person. But I will not be the fool. I am typing this half asleep, just wanted to express my gratitude again. Also, I read the 180 about 50 times last night, I think it's my new bible...


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Sorry you are going through this , Jensip. I’m glad you have found the 180. Do it for yourself, not as a strategy to get your H back. It will help you become stronger so that you can face whatever happens.

I can relate to your story. My H and I were married almost 32 years when he left, but the stresses we were living with were definitely behind it. Things got difficult and he split. 

Hopefully things will work out for you. I had to face the fact that my marriage was over when he told me about his girlfriend. We are back together, but I learned a lot about him, our relationship and myself. I also learned more about separation than I ever wanted to know. 

Start protecting yourself. Are you and your son the beneficiaries of his life insurance? Get ownership of the policy so that he can not change that, just in case there is someone else. He can arrange that through his agent. He should continue to pay the monthly fees by giving you the money. But you need to own it.

Talk to a lawyer. Some give a half hour free consult. Take your statement of earnings and your husband’s, or a copy of his last tax return. Ask the lawyer to calculate what he should be paying in child support. Because he needs to be doing that. The lawyer will also tell you if you are entitled to alimony. I got all of this information during my free consult. You do not have to commit to using that lawyer should things end up going that route. 

You plan to have him care for your son a few evenings a week sounds fair. I would write it up and have him sign it.

If all of this sounds drastic, look at it this way. Right now, he has it pretty good. He is away from all the day-to-day stuff and gets to see his son without the care-taking aspects. The reality of what he has done has not hit home. If he wants to be separated, show him what it really means. It may help to wake him up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband does most likely have a woman on the side. That's usually why a person moves out.. to date. Keep and eye out, snoop around. See what you can find.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Read it and do not let him know you are reading it. You don't want to give him a heads up on what you are going to do. Do what the book says to do. Now there might not be an affair (I'd be surprised), but the book will help you whether or not there is an affair.

You need to also start moving on with your life. It's a balance of letting him know that there is a small window in which you will work with him to save the marriage and when you let him know that you are not longer interested. You will know when you are no longer interested, it's like a light switch is flipped off emotionally.

But in the mean time. See an attorney. Many will give half to one hour consultations for free. Ask them what your rights are. 

Is he helping you pay the bills? Are you a SAHM or do you work outside the home?

Some attorneys will represent you and go to court to ask that the judge gives an order that your legal fees are paid for out of community assets. This means that your husband pays your lawyer.

He can also submit a request for emergency/interim spousal and child support.

Filing for divorce and getting these things done quickly will probably do more to wake up your husband that much of anything else. It sounds like he thinks that he is calling all the shots and you are will just put up with anything he dishes out. You filing will could very well wake him up to what he is about to lose. 

Remember that a divorce can be cancelled up to the time when the judge signs the final papers.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm sorry. I'm also thinking affair. Post this again as though you're a man and your wife has moved out to live with a friend and you'll get a whole different kind of advice. Or just go find a thread posted by a man. The coping with infidelity board is filled with advice for how to get evidence of cheating, which may be beneficial to you in a divorce.

Right now, you should separate finances. Don't let him have any access to your paycheck, and don't let him get a free pass on helping to support your child. If he wants to try on a divorce for size, let him know what that's really going to be like. Have him stay in your house with your son overnight 3 or 4 nights per week while you go out and have fun. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, right? He might change his mind about wanting to work on things when you're out dating too.

Good luck. Definitely check out Divorce Busters and the 180, see an attorney, and set up a formal, legal separation. If he's in an affair fog, you'll want to snap him out of that with the legal consequences of his decision.


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