# Selfish spouse is pissing me off!



## kburns (Sep 15, 2014)

Earlier this year I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with another woman. As far as I know he has since stopped contacting her at all. He has now moved onto porn. Replaces me with it, lies to my face about it, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was had used our family money on it. For the, I don't know, seventh time this month I caught him looking at it again (before we were married he well understood that I considered the use of porn cheating, unless we were together). I told him that I was done for good. Since then I have stopped sleeping in our bed, stopped acknowledging his presence, etc. I have been treating him as if we were living separate lives, which is what he's clearly been wanting. So I was baffled when he said "It's pretty sad that we can't even have a conversation anymore. I really am done with this ****." :banghead:The only reason he even feels bad about any of these things is because he regrets getting caught. He won't leave and I have three kids and no place to go.

Are there better ways to go about this?


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Go talk to an attorney. Start there. Then, start looking into employment. One step at a time. Edge him out.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's not completely clear in your post. Has your husband been refusing to have sex with you but instead is using porn? 

What are the other problems in your marriage?

What have you two done to fix them?


----------



## kburns (Sep 15, 2014)

@elegirl 
He will sometimes have sex if I intiate it, but the only time he makes the move is when it's impossible to do (the kids are up, people are over, etc.). 

We've tried talking, planning things out, making lists of things that we need to work, list of things we want each other to work on, venting, being open, communicating more, having sex more... Everything short of professional counseling. I just can't get past his lies. He lies even when there's no reason to lie. He'll say he's wearing a blue shirt if he's wearing a red one. I just don't get why he expects me to trust him and acknowledge our marriage if he doesn't even attempt to make things better. After I found out about the other woman he told me that it was my fault and that I needed to change so he can be happy, but he wouldnt leave when I asked him. I told him that he needed to take responsibility for his actions and to stop pushing the blame on someone else to justify them to himself. I'm sick of making sure my to do list is covered but he's tossed his in the trash. Sorry about the rant.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

kburns said:


> @elegirl
> He will sometimes have sex if I intiate it, but the only time he makes the move is when it's impossible to do (the kids are up, people are over, etc.).
> 
> We've tried talking, planning things out, making lists of things that we need to work, list of things we want each other to work on, venting, being open, communicating more, having sex more... Everything short of professional counseling. I just can't get past his lies. He lies even when there's no reason to lie. He'll say he's wearing a blue shirt if he's wearing a red one. I just don't get why he expects me to trust him and acknowledge our marriage if he doesn't even attempt to make things better. After I found out about the other woman he told me that it was my fault and that I needed to change so he can be happy, but he wouldnt leave when I asked him. I told him that he needed to take responsibility for his actions and to stop pushing the blame on someone else to justify them to himself. I'm sick of making sure my to do list is covered but he's tossed his in the trash. Sorry about the rant.


Don't apologize for ranting, this is the place to do it.

I have two thoughts and they may not make any sense. The first is that men will sometimes use porn if they are feeling rejected or confused when it comes to sex with their wives. I know it makes no sense since many times they have a woman right there that is ready and willing. But in my experience dealing with men in group that this is often the case. I've been told that porn and masturbation are easier than dealing with their wives. I don't get it but it just is.

The thing with the other woman is more complicated. It may be that his confidence was at a low point and he was looking for some sort of validation. Sometimes its much too easy to turn a man's head especially when he's dealing with sexual complications at home. That's no excuse but simply a possible explanation. Either that or he's just a [email protected]

Just thought I'd throw it out there.


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

He has a sex addiction. He needs treatment. Might want to look up treatment centers for it in your local area. Then give him the address/phone # and tell him he either gets treated or gets out. You should not be leaving with the 3 children. The children cannot be dislodged because he is in la-la land with his right hand, a computer screen and god knows what else. Collect the evidence - keylog his computer etc...Put yourself in a position of power. A judge won't like the frequency and times of day he is knocking himself out while the children are floating around the house or neighborhood. This one, as many, can't ever work without tough love. The thing about tough love is that it works like an ultimatum...Don't use it if you haven't prepped yourself or mean it/ personally accepted the ramifications.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

First part of the process you should follow is see a lawyer and work on becoming independent from your husband. 

Your husbands dishonesty is a trait that will continue to vex you if you stay with him. It spills over into all aspects of your marriage sooner or later. 

I have observed that everyone who cheats on their spouse must enter through the gate of dishonesty in order to do it. Given enough time and a little opportunity your husband will likely enter a full blown physical affair and drag you down into a pit of despair. 

His dishonesty will affect you in other ways too. He risks losing good jobs and jeopardizing your financial security. My ex wife was/is dishonest and she blew a good teaching career because of dishonesty. Lost tenure and everything. 

After what I have learned in my lifetime I would divorce a spouse just for the dishonesty issues you have described. I would never take a chance again on this kind of a person. It's too much of a risk and too much heartache. Good luck.


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

kburns said:


> @elegirl
> He will sometimes have sex if I intiate it, but the only time he makes the move is when it's impossible to do (the kids are up, people are over, etc.).
> 
> We've tried talking, planning things out, making lists of things that we need to work, list of things we want each other to work on, venting, being open, communicating more, having sex more... Everything short of professional counseling. I just can't get past his lies. He lies even when there's no reason to lie. He'll say he's wearing a blue shirt if he's wearing a red one. I just don't get why he expects me to trust him and acknowledge our marriage if he doesn't even attempt to make things better. After I found out about the other woman he told me that it was my fault and that I needed to change so he can be happy, but he wouldnt leave when I asked him. I told him that he needed to take responsibility for his actions and to stop pushing the blame on someone else to justify them to himself. I'm sick of making sure my to do list is covered but he's tossed his in the trash. Sorry about the rant.


Please read the "Newbie" thread in my signature below. He is "gaslighting". The reconciliation is false. Be comforted in knowing that you are not the only one, my X2B is the same way with the lying and blaming. But he kicked it up a notch, he is overprotective of the AP. False R never works unless the WS gets a huge reality check or hits rock bottom, some times that means separation or divorce.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Selfish spouse is pissing me off!*



Calibre1212 said:


> Please read the "Newbie" thread in my signature below. He is "gaslighting". The reconciliation is false. Be comforted in knowing that you are not the only one, my X2B is the same way with the lying and blaming. But he kicked it up a notch, he is overprotective of the AP. False R never works unless the WS gets a huge reality check or hits rock bottom, some times that means separation or divorce.


Yes he is definitely trying to shift the blame away from himself. Shows a huge level of immaturity.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

kburns said:


> He has now moved onto porn. Replaces me with it, lies to my face about it,


You put a large restriction on him, and in doing so you are acting like his mother. So it's no surprise he's acting like any boy whose mother won't let him look at porn. He's going to do it anyway.

That does not excuse his replacing you for porn. If he has problems with your sex life, or he is less attracted to you due to weight gain, or attitude, or whatever, he needs to be able to tell you honestly so you can both deal with the problem.

BTW, acting like his mom might work in the short run, but it is just making you less attractive to him in the long run. It also makes it harder for him to honestly discuss his problems with you. 



> _For the, I don't know, seventh time this month I caught him looking at it again (before we were married he well understood that I considered the use of porn cheating, unless we were together)._


You have the right to set your own boundaries any way you want, but do you realize that porn=cheating is a very extreme point of view? 



> _ I told him that I was done for good. Since then I have stopped sleeping in our bed, stopped acknowledging his presence, etc. I have been treating him as if we were living separate lives, which is what he's clearly been wanting. So I was baffled when he said "It's pretty sad that we can't even have a conversation anymore. I really am done with this ****." _



So... you told him you were "done for good", moved out of his bed, yet you are wondering why he says he is done? Sounds like you are both perfectly in agreement to me.

What am I missing here? Are you frustrated because he took your statement at face value, and instead you were hoping he would read between the lines and come begging? You can't always expect partners to be mind readers. 



> _Are there better ways to go about this?_


1. Stop acting like his mother

2. Don't make ultimatums like "I am done" unless you mean them

3. Loosen up a bit on the porn (EAs are different)

4. Both of you make yourselves more receptive to listening to the other and plainly discuss what is bothering you (unfortunately, this often leads to yelling and name calling, so then go to #5)

5. Both of you go to marriage counseling and discuss your problems there before you do anything drastic like moving out or divorce


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

He needs to grow up and stop acting like he NEEDS a mother. Obviously, she is uncomfortable in the role of mothering him or else she wouldn't be here. They would have continued the mother/son dynamic seamlessly. He is spiting her by deliberately watching porn and wanting sex when it is inconvenient...HE is THE problem...Not this woman...Which woman wants a man to touch her for sex he is living out in his head with video images of bulls***t? It kills the intimacy, care and creativity in the bedroom. 

Which woman wants to know her husband only "needs" her for the RELEASE after sexual tension builds up from his porn viewing? That's right only the ones at a strip club or a street corner or the angel by day/wh**e by night types. He is trying to punish his wife, gaslight her and blame her, she is frustrated and tired...Hello? 

He needs to have some balls and file a divorce already so he can marry his favorite porn site with his right hand. This woman is not plastic, she is not an object. She is a human being. This woman has class, she ain't no street gal. I can guarantee this woman is the sensual type - not into the fast and wacky all of the time. I can guarantee he is trying to make her into the trashy sl*t he recently screwed. Not gonna work...She is classy, he is trashy...by nature.

Here is something cold that you may have to face. He will never be sexually satisfied with you because the type of sex he had experienced with that OW...Gave him a new high...It would most likely make you vomit if you saw them. He is looking for the same high in porn and everything else, because in his mind he has gone up a level in pleasure that he never knew. "Abnormal" sex (compared to the marriage-norm you both established from day one) is his cocaine now. Don't even worry about this, it's not your fault because even if he ends up with OW, it's only a matter of time before he's off looking for a new high. 

Like it or not, he is avoiding sex with you via porn and inconvenient times, etc...That's sub-zero on the thermometer that measures the viability of any sexual relationship.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Well,

Before we call him immature, maybe there's a reason for his lying and deflection.

OP,
What kind of background does your mate have? Did he have an abusive and alchoholic ridden childhood? There's 5 characters that typically an adult of alchoholics or abuse mimic. One of them is the deflector and liar. If your mode of communication mimics that of his childhood, he will, subconsciously revert back to deflection mode. Usually as a child, it's to avoid a beating. 

Could be your tone. The words you use. The way you give ultimatums. 

Or he could just be a pathological liar. 

If you understand the why, you can figure out the what.


----------



## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

your going to divorce hime becasuse he looks at porn

mmm...umkay...really?

Do you EVER fantasize about another man, even a celebrity or rock star or whatever...IF you masturbate, do you fantasize about anone OTHER than your husband...because if you DO that is no more or less cheating than him looking at porn

porn isnt the issue...the issue is the EA and the fact that he keeps getting what he needs from things OTHER than you...if you nip his porn in the bud, he will just move on to something else...

counsiling imo is a great place to start


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would schedule an appointment with a lawyer just to see what your rights are (for example, if you divorce, he will owe you a lot of his income to support the three kids, so you DO have someplace to go, actually). I would find a counselor you can afford and tell him you expect him to go and if he doesn't, you'll go ahead and file with the lawyer. If he doesn't, file. I would read His Needs Her Needs and see where your marriage is lacking on BOTH your parts. I would have both of you fill out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires and then start having discussions about them - you need to understand what the other isn't getting and wants to be able to BE what the other person wants. And I would check his phone/computer activity to verify he's not cheating; it's a fair bet he still is.


----------



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

I am rather amazed at how lightly so many posters view addictive porn use. I am not talking about the very occasional viewing of porn but the consistant use of it over and over. 

It has been shown to be addictive in many studies, firing the same brain pleasure centers as certain hard drugs, releasing dopamine and hard -wiring nerve synapses. It desensitises the user so that more and more use is required to achieve the high and often the user must resort to harder/violent porn to get off. The objectifying and highly unrealistic images of women portrayed in porn often cause the user to become unable to relate to and achieve sexual satisfaction with a real partner. 

I do not think the OP is over reacting at all and has every right to object to the dependance on porn her husband uses.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Replaces an EA with porn?

Probably not. But replaced a PA with porn? That may be possible.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Seven times in one month doesn't sound addictive.Seventy times in one month, yeah. More likely he just got dumped by his AP or is having a fight with her, so the extra sex he's used to has dried up.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

allwillbewell said:


> I am rather amazed at how lightly so many posters view addictive porn use. I am not talking about the very occasional viewing of porn but the consistant use of it over and over.
> 
> It has been shown to be addictive in many studies, firing the same brain pleasure centers as certain hard drugs, releasing dopamine and hard -wiring nerve synapses.


So does sex, eating chocolate, and riding roller-coasters.




> _ It desensitises the user so that more and more use is required to achieve the high and often the user must resort to harder/violent porn to get off. _


Not true in my experience. 




> _I do not think the OP is over reacting at all and has every right to object to the dependance on porn her husband uses._


She has the right to object to anything she wants, but equating porn with cheating is not only ludicrous but it minimizes actual cheating. If she sets the bar that high, she is going to have problems no matter what. 

If porn=cheating, then well over 90% of men have cheated on their partners through porn, and nearly the same number of women have cheated on their partners through the use of romance/erotic fantasy literature.

However, I agree that if the husband here is ignoring his wife for porn, that's a serious problem, and it's something they need to honestly work out with each other.


----------



## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

If porn is addictive than so are these stupid as f*** chick flicks
sleepless in seattle, the notebook...they fire off pleasure centers in women and gay men brains, making them have ridiculous expectations and makes it impossible for them to relate to real life...expecting romance in everything their partner does...

the more they watch the more ridiculous the expectations and the more hard core they have to go...eventually resorting to day time soap operas...


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

missthelove2013 said:


> If porn is addictive than so are these stupid as f*** chick flicks
> sleepless in seattle, the notebook...they fire off pleasure centers in women and gay men brains, making them have ridiculous expectations and makes it impossible for them to relate to real life...expecting romance in everything their partner does...
> 
> the more they watch the more ridiculous the expectations and the more hard core they have to go...eventually resorting to day time soap operas...


That would be the women who think below the waist....Not all of us do. Suprise!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

That's 7 times she knows of...BTW. He may not be intelligent enough as "some" porn viewers may be, to not objectify his wife or other women. He sounds like a consumed punk dufus anyway.


----------

