# Seething Anger - What is happening to me?



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

I'm in a furious state of mind. I am really close to wanting to throw this laptop at the wall - which assuredly would only cause more stress in my life. I just wrote about my anger and while trying to insert an angry face found my message deleted. The undo button wouldn't work. Just like my husband's mistakes. They can't be undone.

My story is somewhere on this website. Basically, I caught my wayward husband before things got physical. But the intent was there and he went to a strip club by himself (a few hours before joining me to celebrate our second anniversary at a hookah cafe in the evening). At the club he took a stripper's number down. He had already called an escort a few days earlier. I found out all of this on our anniversary. 

I really want to break something right now. I'm trying to take deep breaths because I live in an apartment and I already had a neighbor downstairs ask what "we do" up in our apartment. I'm so embarrassed that I've become this person. I never through furniture across the room UNTIL now. I never through glass at the floor until now. I never insulted someone with swear words until now. That person being my husband. Someone who I respected dearly until now.

How do you get the anger out? How long will I be a seething monster? My husband has taken this innocent 23 year old that I was when I met him and turned me into this lifeless, jaded 26 year old piece of garbage. I'm either lifeless garbage or a fiery monster. I waver between one and the other. Both equally miserable.

He wants the marriage to get better. So do I. But how do you build something new when there is so much resentment? Old memories no matter how distant from his recent straying now seem polluted. I don't know. I need help.  

Two questions here:

1. Does the anger keep getting worse and then subside, is there some general pattern I can expect, or does it all depend on the individual? Please share your emotional trajectory. 
2. How can we create a new friendship, new marriage, and move past the resentment. I truly resent what he did so badly. I don't know how to move beyond my anger. It's truly a physical anger. I hate him and love him at the same time. I worry that my anger is pushing us farther apart. He is trying but it's not enough for me. My expectations are perhaps unreasonable as he is working 10 hour days seven days a week and being happy around me. But I'm a zombie. I don't embrace his warmth. My resentment bars me from feeling it as warmth. 

Please help, someone please. I'm going crazy. I've lost the marriage I thought I had, beliefs I held about this world, and my own sense of self.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How long since D day?


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

It's been two weeks.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Believe it or not...You get up, put on some running shoes and go jogging for an hour. Also, take 10 very deep breaths - in through the nose and out through the mouth - when you begin to feel angry; scream in a pillow; write out your thoughts in a journal; get therapy.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Anger stage. Perfectly normal. Nothing wrong with you. It will start to subside gradually, but be prepared for flare ups when you trigger.

IC may be a good idea since they can guide you though the stages of emotions you can expect. Sounds like you are dealing with Post Traumatic Stress (shock of what has happened) and Grief (the loss of something dear to you) at the same time.

But I am not a therapist, counselor, or Doctor. You both need some professional help to get through this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long has it been since you found out?

I was like you are now for at least 6 months.

I went to work everyday and just sat at my computer and did next to nothing. I could not function at all. And there was no one to reach out to or talk to.

It was about a year before the rollercoaster was not my normal way of being.

It takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair. What you are going through is normal unfortunately.

Have you considered seeing a doctor? You might need to get on anti-depressants to bring you down some.

What is your husband doing besides being nice when he’s around you? Why is he working 7 days a week, 10 hours a day? Is this really necessary? Does his being gone that much add to your bad mental state?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Only two weeks? Hell I was still throwing crap around after a month. 

Yes it goes away. It takes a long time though. Rather than destroying stuff you need to find a better outlet for it though. Exercise works for some people. Didn't work for me. I have to rip or burn something usually, so I would write down all my angry thoughts, just free flow them, and rip them up and burn them in the fireplace. Once I was past that stage I could usually calm down by envisioning a giant eraser that erased them all.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I dont know what to tell you. Only wanted to add my support. I am nearly three yrs out from being betrayed and still have moments of seething rage and resentment.

It's not every day like the beginning, it takes time ... keep posting, keep venting, see your doctor and maybe IC and MC.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Thank you all. Yesterday, I went for a run with my dog to get out some pent up anger. We live near a park with endless trails and we are relatively new here, so we got lost and of course very very tired. Even after an hour of running (for someone who does not exercise much) I still had the rage within me in the evening. And I blew up at him. While he was being nice - all though giving more attention to the dog. Sometimes I am jealous of the love he shows our dog. Sometimes I am so thankful we have a dog between us because I don't know how I could go to sleep in the same bed otherwise.

Those of you in R who have now-wonderful-once-was-wayward partners... how does your WS treat you when you act emotionally, furiously, and irrationally (and slur mean words at them)?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

totallyunexpected said:


> Those of you in R who have now-wonderful-once-was-wayward partners... how does your WS treat you when you act emotionally, furiously, and irrationally (and slur mean words at them)?


I do NOT slur mean words at him. I freaked out at him, threw stuff, got drunk and kicked him out the day I found out. I sent him a scathing email two days later outlining exactly what he was going to do, and spent maybe a couple more days lashing out at him. After that we hardly spoke for three months. When I decided to R, I stopped with the lashing out. In the over two years since then I have only had one blow up at him about his cheating, and that was in a counseling session. R will never work unless the BS deals with their anger some other way. When I ask about what he did now, it is very gentle and non accusatory. 

When I am emotional, he apologizes over and over, asks how he can help, rubs my back or arm, answers everything, agrees to do whatever I need and does it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Nov. 29 2012 -D-day.

I was angry for months, let it overtake me and I became the bad guy with verbal and mental abuse. But, my WS kept lying to me. The pattern became, she lied (she says she knew I would get mad if she told me the truth), I got mad when I caught her is a lie and it kept recyling. I told her that she has no idea how I would react since everytime I have gotten angry was because I caught her in another lie. And the lies were not always about the A. 

I got my anger under much better control but I am still angry and in fact spent four nights on the couch last week because I was so mad that I just did not want to sleep in the same bed. Last week was D-day a year ago and I just triggered. I did not bring up the A and my wife has not asked me what is wrong. We slept together last night.

It gets better but you are still to early in it. I do not see anything wrong with anger unless you let it control you and let it get out of control like I allowed it.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Having been a BS, the greatest anger I found, came from my going against my core value that once a marriage has been breeched with any form of adultery, there is NO second chance. The A caused me to evaluate every part of my existence because it challenged my core value system. I found that when I am doing something like reconciling with a "man 'ho", it is infuriating as much as being forced to see a piece of crap as an ice cream cone...It will not go away until you reconcile with your value system and choose life rather than settle for a settler. BUT because every marriage seems to go through some form of adultery (& I mean EVERY), I wait because I need to be sure that my expectations are not too high or it is just plain unrealistic to believe that adultery is not a 'rite of passage' for every marriage that either makes it or breaks it. IOW, if I divorce and eventually marry another, what are the odds that the same poop will not happen? What you are experiencing is a redefining of what you can live with and what you can live without.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> Sometimes I am jealous of the love he shows our dog.


_Wow, my wife actually said that to me once, I never thought I'd read someone else saying it._

TU, what you're dealing with right now is the process of coming to terms with having something you had faith in abruptly snatched away from you, it's unnerving, it makes you question everything you thought about your life, it's a terrible feeling.

You're probably not going to be able to make clear decisions about your marriage for the next two months. The main decision right now is, do you stay under the same roof, while I get my head straight, or do you do it somewhere else.

*Don't put a lot of faith into any of your decisions right now*, put yourself in a holding pattern until you're thinking clearly. Right now just work on getting through life, day to day.

T


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It is a pain that no one should endure. TDSC60 is correct - you are in the anger stage. You can't see it now because of the hurt but things will get better. Acknowledge the anger but don't let it get the best of you.

Interestingly, today is the one year anniversary of my dday and I'm feeling some of the hurt and anger that I experienced that fateful day. I didn't even realize why I was feeling this way until I looked at the calendar.

Take things one day at a time. Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I do not recall getting angry. I was very, very upset*
with my wife, it was like there was a giant ball in my chest and stomach.

Maybe it would have been easier if I had felt angry? We did reconcile but it was protracted and messy.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

It's not always anger. But for some reason I'm feeling a lot of that lately. At first it was just PAIN. This horrible horrible pain. Now I am ANGRY. I feel like I'm living with a thief who stole my marriage, my optimism, my innocence, and my self-esteem.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Anger is a normal stage of what you're going through.

How much reading up have you done about what to expect? Have you read the newbie link here? (linked in my sig) Unfortunately, what happens when someone is cheated on is well documented, and knowing what to expect can help tremendously.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

The anger is normal. I sent my FWH a link on what to expect after reading it myself. I have lashed out only a handleful of times.  The worst came out about two weeks ago. I was informed by the MOW and her BH that they had intercourse once. When I called him and said something he denied it multiple times and then said something about me. I let him have it will all my anger. He came home and held me saying he was sorry. He still denies the sexual intercourse.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Google "Stages of Grief"


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

I'm happy to share a small high in all of this. So, my WH knows that I am uber-stressed given our fallout AND being final season (first year as a Masters student). 

He has to leave for work at 5:40 AM, and I needed to wake up at the same time to get my work done - which I could not do the night before (mind consumed with betrayal and the effects of it). I told him he had to make sure I was awake and up before he left for work (because otherwise I will go back to sleep).

So at 5:20 am ... 

He woke me up by giving me a morning massage! :smthumbup: It was LOVELY. He told me he loved me. It was a very good way to wake up. Right now I feel so much love in my heart for what he did for me in this time of need. I don't think I'd have the strength to do my work today otherwise.

Just thought I'd share the positive moments as well as the miserable ones.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> I'm in a furious state of mind. I am really close to wanting to throw this laptop at the wall - which assuredly would only cause more stress in my life. I just wrote about my anger and while trying to insert an angry face found my message deleted. The undo button wouldn't work. Just like my husband's mistakes. They can't be undone.


Upon dday and for the next 6 months the BS is on a roller coaster of emotions. They are scared, upset, unsure to stay or divorce, fighting to kill the affair.

Once the affair is over and the WS has recommitted to stay in the marriage the BS becomes secure enough to feel the anger and let their WS get blasted with both barrels.

This period from about 6 months out from dday is known as the anger phase. The anger phase can last up to 6 months.

Anger phase is a normal part of recovery.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

TU,

Most of us have been there.

Anger subsides over time and you will be a lot better in a year's time, regardless of the decision.

You are only 2 weeks from DD. Anger takes different routes so, remain careful.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

OMG DD was Sept 1 2011, 4 days before our 10th. and over a year ago. Today I am seething with anger and came here to find an answer. I have to say the anger will never go away but after awhile it doesn't control you. My anger fueled the fire that all bibles have been burned, anything we got together or pictures of us have been shattered into pieces like my heart and all my dreams. The answers to my how when and why still are not satisfied and until they are I can not move forward into any kind of forgiveness of him or myself. I blame him for all the things that have gone wrong since including the death of two of our cats as his bad behavior put into motion the negative air we are having to breath.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Looks like I am in the next stage of grief due to betrayal: major depression. My "seething anger" has turned to resentment, but I know resentment will only create a toxic environment for reconciliation.

One day, my husband remarked, "you hate me, don't you?" I said no I don't hate you, I hate what you did. I realize that I do hold a lot of resentment.

But more than resentment, I am totally depressed. I've been depressed before. As a high schooler I got on Zoloft, in college I had a suicide attempt and was diagnosed bipolar and since then I have been doing really well. I take bipolar meds and I really have not experienced "major depression" for seven or so years. 

But it looks like I once again am on board the life-sucking depression train. I've realized in these weeks since Dday (dday that he called prostitutes and went to a strip club and got a stripper's number on the day of our 2nd anniversary) that I no longer have energy and there is nothing to look forward to in my life. I mean, even if I won a million dollars, it would mean nothing. The things that I would be thrilled about normally now mean nothing.

A free trip to some exotic place? Not interested. I'd rather curl up alone in my bed and lament the discrepancy between fantasy and reality in this world.

I'm just trying to get through each day, one day at a time. Dday for me was right before Thanksgiving, and I struggled to maintain my grades. Only by spending an exorbitant amount of money at Starbucks did I manage to get a 4.0 in grad school. I fear that I won't have it in me for a second term, which begins in January.

I don't know. I was so happy to be in grad school. Everything was good. Life, my relationship, my wellbeing. Now it is all turned upside down and nothing fits or makes sense anymore.

My beliefs have been challenged. I feel that I've aged an additional twenty years from this experience. And I thought I had lost innocence by becoming an adult. Dear God, now I know what the loss of innocence entails. 

This is a rambling post, but I am just in a state of despair. I have hardly any energy to do anything. I make to do lists but during break (these four weeks in which I have almost 24/7 free time) I accomplish one or two things off my list a day (if anything gets done). Everyday I postpone setting up an appointment with the psychiatrist at the university. I finally had the energy to do it this early evening, but I was too late. Office closed.

It's so bad because I know this depression is going to dig this mess deeper. I'll push him away with such gloom. But I don't have the energy. As much as I WANT our marriage to be renewed, I LACK the energy to be hopeful, optimistic, proactive. 

I just want to sleep and stop imagining how I got to this point in life. I was valedictorian, homecoming queen, well-liked, and had a bright future (not withstanding depression as a teen). Nearing ten years later, all my progress feels worthless. Going to a top notch college, doing all the right things, falling in love, finding what I cared about in this world. 

Ahhh but now I have little hope and no energy. And even what I care about in this world (academia and real life) is so dulled by this experience. My whole being is dulled and I'm jaded. I mean the person who I adore above all others has hurt me beyond belief and destroyed my faith in love. He has shattered so many beliefs. I hate that this is my life right now. I didn't have a bad marriage. I wasn't a bad person. He got selfish and was stupid. And there is no guarantee that it won't happen again - perhaps not for twenty years, but I cannot handle it EVER happening again. Yet I cannot handle life without him. Yet I cannot handle this life where the odds are stacked against me. 

I know not how I got here. Who am I? Only my sister knows this. I can't bear to tell anyone else. I am so depressed. I don't even feel like talking to my sister. I don't have energy to explain my feelings. Except on TAM. It's been some days since I've written updating you all my situation, mostly because I haven't found the energy to write even though I feel so much.

My WS is trying. But he doesn't know how to do enough. And I don't have energy to tell him every little thing he needs to do to help me. I just don't care. And he is starting to annoy me. His being happy and goofy when I feel depressed. Ughh, why did he turn me into an ugly, dark person when I was so full of life and spirit and into my studies.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Walk or run.
Get out of the house and then when you come back from the walk make yourself sit still for a few mins. 
Look up mindfulness.
Get some help! Doctor might be good at two weeks. 

Cut yourself some slack. Two weeks. I was pounding the sidewalks hours a day.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Anyone reading this thread who has been there ... how long did the depression last? Months? Years? Weeks? And I mean the sort of depression where even things you once loved don't appeal. For example, even if I won an all-expense paid trip to Thailand, I don't think I'd have the energy to go. And I love traveling - or did. Everything I love - now must be put in the past tense. 

By the way, I do walk quite a bit since I always make sure our dog gets exercise twice a day. But I don't have the care to run. Something I used to do in high school and college. I really don't have the motivation. It's enough to walk the dog. Really she saves me because I feel that I must do it for her, even when I am so depressed and just want to mope in the house. It helps to feel responsible for someone innocent.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Have you been seeing a therapist. If not you need to get yourself into therapy toute suite. 

Try to focus on your upcoming classes or find a hobby/activity you have wanted to try. It would be beneficial to be 'out and about' as much as possible. Force yourself the first few times. 

Hope you have been seeing your doctor to ensure the meds and dosages are appropriate for your situation. 

It would also be helpful to gain the support of your sister if she is not a teen. Your parents should be of support at this time too. They would be very disappointed if you didn't give them the opportunity to assist you in times of trouble. I speak as a parent.


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

TU, 
So very sorry you are going through this. You can't let yourself curl up into a ball. I used to do that for hours on end. I cancelled dates with friends, with my sister, stopped taking calls and going anywhere. You have to force yourself to get out. Little by little it gets easier. I found writing down what I felt helped a lot. I had to keep it together for my kids. 
Look at you, in grad school! You have such a bright future ahead and you have a WH who is doing everything he can to try. It doesn't take away the pain or make it okay what he did, but at least you have that. Its been two and a half months for me since dday, and although my situation is worse than before , I feel better. Focus on where you will be in the future, what place in your life you will be when you get too mired down in the here and now. Keep your goals and dreams outside your marriage alive. You are responsible for your happiness!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

And if you ever win an all expense paid trip to Thailand, you better go, or give me the ticket. Take care and best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I have bi-polar and this set me up to run again. Years with no problems living life on life's terms. Yes I was ill and had to go through several surgery's. I was soooo happy, so full of joy, I had placed all my dreams and hopes into this end and here it was finally. You could see the changes already taking place. All the pain and suffering would be behind us and I could become the kind of wife I wanted to be. Yes he did have to go without but he knew that. I had given him the option to leave when I found out that I was going to have problems moving, which meant weight gain, taking pain medications that would make me sleep a lot and effect my thinking. It would be a few years about 5 before the sun would shine again. With all the physical pain and suffering behind me he goes and does this. Creating a new life and future full of emotional/mental pain that is not going to go away or be resolved so easily. I have been accused of being on drugs and drinking because my behavior is so off the wall and erratic. If anyone had took the time to read the behavior described here my family would have understood instead of all this crap they accused me of while supporting him. They are no longer in my life they lied to me too so they are gone. Don't need anyone in my life that will miss lead or deceive. The depression comes and goes. I can not allow myself to myself to fall as my responsibilities (grand kids and animals) and neither can u. When depression is a main problem under normal conditions this is the easiest time to let it control you. You can not allow it to get a hold of you. Get the heck out of that bed and do something, anything that brings u pleasure. For me that was my garden and pulling weeds, digging in the dirt and I have moved mountains of dirt in the last year. He is not worth it no matter what you feel. There are too many fish in the sea to allow one bad catch get the best of you and the rest of your life.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

My update: 

After rambling about my depression and misery on TAM last night, I found myself quite surprised when my husband returned to the house. He carried in groceries and went back to the car to get more, but the dog wanted to sneak out of the apartment since he left the door open. So I took the dog outside and I saw him with flowers in one hand and a rose plant in the other.

It was sprinkling and getting dark. My depression evaporated for the moment. Here I was complaining and commiserating on TAM while he brought me beautiful flowers - a rare thing for him to do. He knows I've been upset, and he is trying. 

Since I felt thankful and I want him to see that I appreciate what he did, I shortly after went down on him and then we made love.  It's normally hard for me to have sex, so if I am feeling the sort of love I am feeling and thankfulness it is better for me to initiate.

Today, we did some errands, and now he is going to Starbucks and is going to write a detailed timeline of his infidelity. I asked him for this over a month ago. Today, I calmly asked if he could do that. He started to say that he didn't want to, that it was not helpful, but I wouldn't have it. I said clearly and calmly, "I need you to do this for me to get better." He acquiesced and as I write he is probably writing his sins on paper.

I've emphasized that he can add anything he lied about before or that he "forgot" to say. I just want all the truth out now. Starting with the secret email account and chatroom lovey-dovey talk with random girls from his country and up to the escort phone numbers I found on his phone in the city we now live in.

He's trying. I'm living one day at a time. Depressed, coping with the fact that life is much uglier than I grew up expecting it to be.

Most of all, I hate that the odds of him being 100% loyal for the rest of our life (hopefully at least forty or fifty years to go) are slim. I'm still trying to process that. It's very hard to accept the discrepancy between once-upon-believed fantasy and reality.


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