# Tonight I Hate My Wife



## SheriffCreepy (Mar 12, 2015)

A little over a year ago I made a post on Reddit. Today I checked my inbox and saw a request that I repost that post here. So here you go.

"So, tonight I hate my wife. Maybe tomorrow I'll love her, but tonight I hate her.

I have a hearing in four hours. A person is depending on me to represent them, to make a wrong right, and I haven't slept. I've been drinking coffee. I've been smoking cigarettes. I've been thinking. And I hate my wife.

It's been over a year, but on nights like tonight it feels like yesterday. Yesterday that I read the messages. Yesterday that I caught them together. Yesterday that I had every bit of my heart ripped out of me. So right now, I hate my wife.

I hate her for the lies.

I hate her for the pain and doubt.

I hate her for how she ignored our children for him.

I hate her for telling me to "let go."

I hate her for not understanding why I can go from fine to not fine in a second, for not getting why I'm not okay with her working late, for not figuring out why I can't watch certain movies or shows. For not "getting it" when I come home silent after working with a divorce client.

Most of all, I hate her for taking away my ability to trust her unconditionally and without doubt. I hate that nobody who meets her anymore says "We can tell how much he loves you when he talks about you" because...I don't talk about her like that anymore. Not with my colleagues. I don't trust myself not to say something. I hate that I get to doubt, to sit, to worry, and never ever ask her to understand.

I hate my wife tonight. Tomorrow I'll probably love her, but tonight I hate her. It's been a year and the wound's still open...closing, but open. it will heal eventually, but even then the scar will always mar my heart and thoughts, faded and faint, but there still. And, for those months a year ago, no matter how much I love her, I will know that some quiet part of me will, in some way, always hate my wife."


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sorry to say that the emotional roller coaster will last a while, even though DDay was over a year ago, it seems like your still hurting very badly. Sadly, this is on average, a 2 to 5 year process.....IF your WS is doing the heavy lifting necessary to save the marriage and comfort you.


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## SheriffCreepy (Mar 12, 2015)

Hey Lord. I should have clarified. D-Day for me was over two years ago now. I made that post a year ago, which was a year after D-Day. I'm now two years away from D-Day, doing better (not wonderfully, but better) emotionally. At the time I wrote that, however, I was still having rather severe reactions to triggers.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

As time goes by, the peaks and the lows on the emotional roller coaster gradually flatten out. Triggers never completely go away, they just affect you less and less. Again, this is ONLY if the WS is doing the things necessary to save the marriage. In R, the BS already has a hard enough road, which means self improvement of themselves and the marriage, acceptance, and forgiveness. The WS has to show True Remorse, and that means discussing the affair whenever the BS needs to, no blameshifting, owning the affair, full transparency, and comforting the BS when they trigger or are on the low point of the roller coaster.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

SheriffCreepy said:


> Hey Lord. I should have clarified. D-Day for me was over two years ago now. I made that post a year ago, which was a year after D-Day. I'm now two years away from D-Day, doing better (not wonderfully, but better) emotionally. At the time I wrote that, however, I was still having rather severe reactions to triggers.


What did you do when you found out

Did you expose to others or rug sweep and keep it a secret

What repercussions did she face for her betrayal

What has she done since to try to show how sorry and remorseful she is

Does she do nearly all the lifting and reassure you continusly

If you could tell us the back ground and details we could be more helpful

sorry you are here


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

SC can correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think he's here for help. I think he's here because someone from this site saw what he had written, an eloquent expression of pain, and thought it may in some way help or at least speak to some of the folks here.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

GTdad said:


> SC can correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think he's here for help. I think he's here because someone from this site saw what he had written, an eloquent expression of pain, and thought it may in some way help or at least speak to some of the folks here.


With out knowing some history I wouldn't know where to start to point to help his pain :scratchhead:
That's just me though


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, how is it now, Sheriff?

Are you reconciled?

What's happening?


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

Very eloquently put. I felt the same way during my episode. But you have to be careful not to let the hate win over the love. It'll eat you up until one day the fact they cheated doesn't hurt at all anymore and you're left wondering if you've healed or if you've fell out of love.

Good luck and I wish you the best.


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## Abel402 (Jan 26, 2015)

As some of you know, im going through my own issues with my wife... although mine was a EA (which is the only thing ive found anyway). His words definitely are how I feel.... he hit the nail on the head.


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## SheriffCreepy (Mar 12, 2015)

To those asking how we are, two years and 9 months after D Day we're still together. She left her job where the OM was, and we're finishing the process of moving into a new house for my new job (I got out of divorce law). There are still good days and bad ones, but over all we both made the efforts we needed to for the R to work.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SheriffCreepy said:


> To those asking how we are, two years and 9 months after D Day we're still together. She left her job where the OM was, and we're finishing the process of moving into a new house for my new job (I got out of divorce law). There are still good days and bad ones, but over all we both made the efforts we needed to for the R to work.


I am glad to hear it.:smthumbup:


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

SheriffCreepy said:


> To those asking how we are, two years and 9 months after D Day we're still together. She left her job where the OM was, and we're finishing the process of moving into a new house for my new job (I got out of divorce law). There are still good days and bad ones, but over all we both made the efforts we needed to for the R to work.


erm good glad your trying to make it work


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Did you catch them in the act?

With those kind of mind movies id bet double the recovery.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I too miss unconditional trust and my wife only had an EA that i caught rather early.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> I too miss unconditional trust and my wife only had an EA that i caught rather early.


Ditto x 3


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I realize that you can't REALLY trust anyone but to gamble on a cheating spouse amazes me. 

I can only understand staying together for children somewhat but the sadness that comes across in these posts is bottomless. 

Speaking only of men here - I can't understand this. 

Is it losing money?
Is it the effort it takes to start over?
Do you feel your wife a possession you don't want to lose or another man to have?
Does her wonderful qualities outweigh her trust value? 

I hate to see and man OR woman have this sadness in them just waiting for it to time itself away.

Isn't the pain always going to be there because the person is always there. 

I always just think guys love psycho women. The challenge and all that crap.. ?? I dunno, I'm a woman. 

What you wrote is sad and I wonder all the time if reconciled people are every truly fulfilled again. 

I believe some relationships can be stronger in the long run depending on the circumstances but if your soul is crushed, why stay?

I know there is money, kids, fear, family, but how could it ever be pure love and respect? 

Sometimes I think you reconcilers are a big bunch of goofballs and other times I think it takes a lot of guts and love to lay your heart out for another person. 

It is sad to read your sadness. I'm glad things are looking up in your marriage and I hope you can write a statement of self-love one day because you have given your wife a tremendous gift and for that you are strangely commended by myself. 

I hope it's love and I hope it's appreciated.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

Rugs said:


> I always just think guys love psycho women. The challenge and all that crap.. ?? I dunno, I'm a woman.
> .


I'm working off a tablet and can't figure out how to post a youtube link Rugs, but, if you haven't seen it already, please just go there & search for "Universal hot crazy matrix". 

You'll find an answer about a third of the way through when the presenter stops midway and says (paraphrasing) "Please remember that this is not a static environment. A woman that you've already located at some point on this chart can disappear from that location at any time and instantly reappear at any other location on the chart"

Those of us who have chosen R have truly embraced this fundamental truth.

Also we might be a bit massochistic.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Did you catch them in the act?
> 
> With those kind of mind movies id bet double the recovery.


:iagree:

That would be an automatic deal breaker for me. Do not pass Go and collect $200, just straight to D no matter what. That would just be more than I can handle.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Rugs said:


> I always just think guys love psycho women. The challenge and all that crap.. ?? I dunno, I'm a woman.


:iagree:

That would be those guys with the Knight In Shining Armor (KISA) syndrome. I would guess they love the drama.

Others would be: Frack this! I'm outtie!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Did she actually tell you to get over it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Abel402 (Jan 26, 2015)

Rugs said:


> I realize that you can't REALLY trust anyone but to gamble on a cheating spouse amazes me.
> 
> I can only understand staying together for children somewhat but the sadness that comes across in these posts is bottomless.
> 
> ...


I personally don't know why I haven't given up on my wife after catching her in a EA.... I think one reason is it wasn't a PA At least I don't think so as of now.. I don't know if its my kids, its easier just to stay... In my opinion, The EA, lack of affection, sex and just the way I have been treated the last two years in our marriage, I cant believe I just haven't walked out.

I keep thinking to myself that there has to be someone out there that will treat me better.

The other day I saw a friend post a link about 10 things husbands or wifes do that make them unfaithful, some of them were 1. Having a flirtatious relationship with a coworker
2. Talking to others instead of your husband about marital problems.
3. Choosing family over your partner...etc
I read through all 10, and my wife does all of those, and it really hit me.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Can you share you story and how you went about repairing it ?

How long was your wife cheating before you caught her ?


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## SheriffCreepy (Mar 12, 2015)

G.J. said:


> What did you do when you found out
> 
> Did you expose to others or rug sweep and keep it a secret
> 
> ...


Did I expose? Sort of. I exposed to OM's fiancee eventually. I confronted OM. I exposed to my family because we did separate, and they needed to know. Others knew we separated, but not why except for close friends.

What did she suffer for her betrayal? At the time I don't think she suffered at all. Since, she's realized how it hits me, because there are things that still get said or done that make me tense up, even when innocent. One of our old jokes was that I'd call after work and tell her I was on my way home so she needed to get "Gunther" out of the house. She tried reviving the "Gunther" joke earlier this year and I went still as a rock. That one's over...it isn't so funny when she actually did cheat.

Since we began to R, she's left her job, and become more careful with giving me space. We went full transparency. 

We're two years out, so I don't really need constant reassurance anymore. I have my days, and she has hers. In the beginning stages of healing, though, yes. Yes she did. Now it's "as needed"


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

SheriffCreepy said:


> One of our old jokes was that I'd call after work and tell her I was on my way home so she needed to get "Gunther" out of the house. She tried reviving the "Gunther" joke earlier this year and I went still as a rock. That one's over...it isn't so funny when she actually did cheat.


That's pretty insensitive, especially after what she did. No wonder you triggered hard.


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