# Lost in Confusion



## swede1775 (Jun 25, 2012)

ok, I need some help, I have a wife who doesn't see anything wrong with contacting, staying in touch, visiting and on one occasion stayed with an ex. I have tried everything I could think of to make my point, I have asked several opinions from friends and they all say the same answer, it's wrong. My wife just left Friday for a week long trip to Ft. Lauderdale with a couple girlfriends, jokingly I asked if she had an ex down there, she said yes but had no idea where or anything about him. Well, after a gut feeling, I checked the phone records today, there was some texting going on starting last night after we talked, a total of 24 back and forth total, I looked up the number and sure enough it was him, this is the first I've seen this number and went back through our records for the last 12 months, nothing. She keeps insisting that I'm the one she loves, period, we have been married for 10 years, 2 kids, but have not been romantic for over a year and a half(I'm told it's because of my weight and her bad back), I don't know what to do, I'm lost, confused, hurt, the man in me says give the ultimatum, but the family man in me doesn't want to give up seeing my kids, and my wife. Am I wrong in feeling betrayed? I have talked to her best friend and she said not to worry, but isn't that kind of a tainted opinion? Do I confront her now or wait until end of week, will everything go underground? I don't know what is the clear path, am I overreacting?


----------



## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

She is in the wrong here. She obviously lied about the ex in ft lauderdale. I wouldn't mention anything about it while shes gone. If nothing is up, then you're making much ado about nothing. This next step is going to require big patience. Stay on the phone records. Memorize how many more are sent. And when she returns, ask to see her phone immediately, or sneak it if you can. If all the messages are there, good. Read them and look for anything to see if they met up. Assuming you snuck this, ask her while playing dumb if she did meet up with an ex. 

Now if she deleted them, then you have red flag number one. Now you know shes hiding something and will lie. But use this to your advantage. Ask her if she contracted or spoke with any exes. If she says no, immediately memorize her reaction. This way you will know what she looks like while lying. Then Ask if she met up with that same ex. You should be able to figure out if shes lying now. 

Point is, don't play your cards right away. Use it to your advantage to see where the lies are. Like I said, hopefully its meaningless and, she just doesn't want you to get unnecessarily jealous (going about it the very wrong way on her part )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I'm sure no one here would agree with me on this but here is what I would do:
Do what ever you need to do to find some one to take care of the kids.
Immediately head down to where she is and tell her it's a surprise, that you want some time alone with her to be romantic.
Gage the reaction. If she gets bent out of shape, your marriage is over. Just sayin'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

That puts him into such stalker status. If it was a girls weekend and she's being a faithful wife, shed still get mad at him for showing up. Because it would be painfully obvious why he did it. Please don't do that. We all can agree there may be smoke here, but don't make it worse. A wife needs a self confident man, not a lost puppy trying to find mommy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

She already slept with one ex and now left to have a sex trip with another ex.

How much easier can you make it for her? It's obvious for the last year and a half she's been getting sexually satisfied by someone other then you.

And were you honestly expecting her best friend to give you heads up on her sex trip?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Hire a private investigator to check her out in ft lauderdale if you want proof.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

LOSTfan said:


> That puts him into such stalker status. If it was a girls weekend and she's being a faithful wife, shed still get mad at him for showing up. Because it would be painfully obvious why he did it. Please don't do that.


With all due respect LOSTfan, I think you're wrong here. What could possibly be his downside by taking charge of the situation? As her husband he has every right to "stalk" her if he thinks that she may be doing something that is not right (like having sex with another man) and frankly, it's a lot more up front than key loggers and VARs and GPSs and private investigators. She has no right to be angry given the information he has on her. And her weekend should be ruined or otherwise (as we all know) she will be in that guy's apartment flat on her back with her legs high in the air.

I said this in another posting: all the guys who first post here are wringing their hands about their wife's new male "friend". They don't like the fact that their wives are going out with other guys ... but they never ever put their foot down because they might seem insecure or controlling and they want to be all sensitive and progressive. Then we read a week later in the thread that they found out that their wives are being used as a sperm receptacle by their "friend".



LOSTfan said:


> We all can agree there may be smoke here, but don't make it worse. A wife needs a self confident man, not a lost puppy trying to find mommy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


swede1775 - It is this man's opinion that showing up there un announced to check up on things is not as bad an idea as others would lead you to believe. And if it does make you look like a lost puppy, you would at least be a puppy with a big pair of testicles.


----------



## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

Where anywhere did he state she's physically cheated on him before. Spending money to fly down and crash a planned girls weekend isn't manning up. Its jealousy pure and simple. Manning up is using the time alone to work on himself and becoming a more independant person. The kind where, if she is cheating on him, he won't take her back, hell know his self worth and won't be on message boards doubting himself...

Flying down to ft lauderdale to pretend its to be romantic is a lie. Its not honest, wrong or right on what she's doing, he's being deceitful and jealous. That is not healthy. He can gain the mental upperhand by keeping tabs on the phone records and confronting her when she comes home. He doesn't need a plane ticket to figure this one out. All he has to do is ask when she gets back. Deleted texts: cheating. No deleted texts, and a simple up and up convo: probably not cheating. A lie about it in any part of the story: cheating or just not a healthy relationship. 

Either way hell have his answers without risking looking like a jealous stalker crashing what could be an innocent girls weekend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

LOSTfan said:


> Where anywhere did he state she's physically cheated on him before.





swede1775 said:


> My wife just left Friday for a week long trip to Ft. Lauderdale with a couple girlfriends, jokingly I asked if she had an ex down there, she said yes but had no idea where or anything about him. Well, after a gut feeling, I checked the phone records today, there was some texting going on starting last night after we talked, a total of 24 back and forth total, I looked up the number and sure enough it was him, this is the first I've seen this number and went back through our records for the last 12 months, nothing.


As far as I'm concerned, this is all he needs




LOSTfan said:


> Spending money to fly down and crash a planned girls weekend isn't manning up. Its jealousy pure and simple. Manning up is using the time alone to work on himself and becoming a more independant person. The kind where, if she is cheating on him, he won't take her back, hell know his self worth and won't be on message boards doubting himself...


We don't know where he lives, it could be a short drive.



LOSTfan said:


> Flying down to ft lauderdale to pretend its to be romantic is a lie. Its not honest, wrong or right on what she's doing, he's being deceitful and jealous. That is not healthy. He can gain the mental upperhand by keeping tabs on the phone records and confronting her when she comes home. He doesn't need a plane ticket to figure this one out. All he has to do is ask when she gets back. Deleted texts: cheating. No deleted texts, and a simple up and up convo: probably not cheating. A lie about it in any part of the story: cheating or just not a healthy relationship.
> 
> Either way hell have his answers without risking looking like a jealous stalker crashing what could be an innocent girls weekend.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK, maybe I was off base on the pretending part but I'm willing to bet I'm spot on that she is going to meet this guy. And to me it doesn't matter if there is no sex, she meets him, she's cheating. You guys are way to willing to wait around to see what happens and you are way too passive. It's no wonder you're getting walked all over. Let's see what happens if Swede1775 posts again and what the outcome was. And for the record (and fore Swede's sake) I hope I'm wrong!. However, if it were me, I'd be down there. If my wife got mad at me, who gives a sh1t, she'd have to explain those calls first.

And by the way, there is nothing wrong with being a jealous husband. When being a jealous husband wasn't a stigma, wives cheating was a smaller percentage than it it is today now that jealousy is stigmatized. Try reading my story.


----------



## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

There's a differnce between confidence and being a man, and being paranoid. You really consider a man or woman in a relationship who meets an ex for anything is cheating? I guess well have to agree to disagree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

LOSTfan said:


> I guess well have to agree to disagree.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess so. Maybe we are of different generations but I'll tell you this: it will be a cold day in hell before I let my wife have any contact with an EX without my being there.


----------



## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

>>the man in me says give the ultimatum

Listen to your gut. It is rarely wrong for a man to follow his gut when it's telling him to act like a man. The only question you have to decide is exactly what ultimatum to give, and when. There is a lot to be said for staying covert and getting as much info as you can before you show your hand.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

GetTough said:


> >>the man in me says give the ultimatum
> 
> Listen to your gut. It is rarely wrong for a man to follow his gut when it's telling him to act like a man. The only question you have to decide is exactly what ultimatum to give, and when. There is a lot to be said for staying covert and getting as much info as you can before you show your hand.


I'm on the same page as you, but what if waiting means she now has the opportunity to have sex? And what if she doesn have sex with the guy? Isn't that worse? I know it's not a good idea going in with guns blazing without all the information, but the alternative can be a b1tch.


----------



## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

The Middleman said:


> I'm on the same page as you, but what if waiting means she now has the opportunity to have sex? And what if she doesn have sex with the guy? Isn't that worse? I know it's not a good idea going in with guns blazing without all the information, but the alternative can be a b1tch.


Agree it's possible but I feel it's unlikely he's caught an affair just before it goes physical. More likely somethings already going on, or it's not going to, immediately anyway. Plus there's the fact that going in all guns blazing could easily actually drive her into the arms of OM.


----------



## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Dude listen up;



swede1775 said:


> ok, I need some help, I have a wife who doesn't see anything wrong with contacting, staying in touch, visiting and on one occasion stayed with an ex.*if she wants to do that, its ok. but not with you as her husband. *
> 
> I have tried everything I could think of to make my point, I have asked several opinions from friends and they all say the same answer, it's wrong. *forget your friends. the only reason youre asking them is because you let her gaslight you and you havent got the balls to say what you feel and stand by it.*
> 
> ...


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

LOSTfan said:


> That puts him into such stalker status. If it was a girls weekend and she's being a faithful wife, shed still get mad at him for showing up. Because it would be painfully obvious why he did it. Please don't do that. We all can agree there may be smoke here, but don't make it worse. A wife needs a self confident man, not a lost puppy trying to find mommy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOST, smoke, really? Girls weekend, my ass! She lied to her H, she contacted the XBF, he found her out. That's enough evidence for a confident man. No lost puppy, just a man showing he'll be in your face if you eff with him. You may disagree with Middleman's confrontational stance, but sitting back, puking you guts out while your wife screwing another man, is like a little puppy cowering in a corner. 

For me, it would be somewhere along these lines: 
Inform her I know she lied and I know whats she's up to. 
Tell her to stay with him.
Change the locks and put her stuff is on the lawn. 
Oh yeah, I'd be looking for his wife too. I'm sure she'll be interested. 

But the reality is she has no respect for Swede. He never enforced his boundaries and she knows she can get away with it. He's worried about overreacting? He's her doormat and he's not going to grow any now.
There is something to say for the way they do things in the Bronx.

Swede, get off your ass! Man up, do something! Don't let her walk over you.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

The moment your "wife" thinks you're stalking her is the moment you realize she doesn't love you.

I wouldnt go down to Florida. But I damn sure would make it clear that if she's going to do down there what it looks like she's going to do she can stay there.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> There is something to say for the way they do things in the Bronx.


Can I assume you're a Bronx Guy too?


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

sinnister said:


> The moment your "wife" thinks you're stalking her is the moment you realize she doesn't love you.
> 
> I wouldnt go down to Florida. But I damn sure would make it clear that if she's going to do down there what it looks like she's going to do she can stay there.


I don't get this whole thing with calling it "stalking". She's his wife and if he wants to be there and see what's going on, it's his prerogative to do so. You "stalk" a stranger or acquaintance, you might even "stalk" a girlfriend you aren't living with and all of those would be major league creepy (if not illegal), but this is his wife, man! This is his family he's trying to protect! It's not "stalking"; it's being proactive; it's being protective.

I hear all the time on this board that affairs are to be exposed! That affairs can't thrive in the light! That you can't make it easy for them. I hear of GPS's, VAR's and Key Loggers. What is wrong with not making it easy for it to happen in the first place. I guarantee you that if he showed up in Ft. Lauderdale and she knew he was there (he doesn't even have to hang with her) that there would be no contact with the EX and no risk of her sleeping with the EX. I don't get this whole "wait to see what happens", be proactive before something happens.

I know if I were in Swede1775 shoes, I would have asked her not to go in the first place and certainly after I learned of the calls, I would have told (not asked) her to come home. If that didn't work, I'd be sitting next to her at the bar. Just Sayin'.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Can I assume you're a Bronx Guy too?


B'klyn guy.
Me, East NY. Her, Brownsville. 
Into Howard Beach, Now out on the Island.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> B'klyn guy.
> Me, East NY. Her, Brownsville.
> Into Howard Beach, Now out on the Island.


Me, I'm originally from the North East Bronx; My wife from Queens, both now in Rockland County.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Yeah, I don't get the non confrontational point of view either. It's our marriage. Either one of us has the right to confront the other and expect the consequences. She's been in my face once or twice, lol. 

If you live you life walking on eggshells around issues and not enforcing boundaries, your spouse will learn not to respect you. They will crap on you because they don't expect any consequences. 

I remember a fellow from Coney Island told a story about waiting on the TSA line, at the airport, to get frisked. He had just been to Yankee Stadium for bat day. He wondered how many terrorist would get on the plane if they handed everyone a Louisville Slugger. Consequences!


----------

