# Do you talk to your partner about work?



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

My husband and I both work full time, in very stressful and demanding jobs at the moment. We both have the type of job where we get urgent phone calls, texts and emails in the evenings at home. Luckily not on the weekends (we both put our foot down on that). 

I have always been told "Leave your personal issues at home, and leave your work issues at work." I definitely live by this rule in the office and don't bring any of my personal life to work, and I try to operate this way at home too.

I sometimes ask my H about his day at work, but usually he gives me one line answers and doesn't seem to want to discuss it. I can understand that so I don't push it. I do wish he'd be a little more open because I can understand work strife and be sympathetic, but I know that men don't tend to need to process things by talking them out so again, I don't push it.

His lack of sharing - and lack of asking me about my own work - made me think that he must not want to hear what's going on with my job either. So I don't talk to him much about it. He really has no clue what I do day to day,what my responsibilities are and what kind of stress I am.under.

Well, he knows I am stressed out because the past month I am just brain dead when I get home, just totally fried. Sometimes he complains about my attitude (mostly my exhaustion) but never makes an effort to ask me why I feel that way or what I am going through.

I do wish I had someone to talk to about it, because as a typical woman I do like to process my thoughts by talking them out. But I have always struggled with wondering if its a good idea or bad idea..
I don't want to do a total mind dump on him. 

I was just curious if anyone else out there is also totally closed book with their spouse when it comes to their work life? I often hear from my coworkers about what their partner thinks of their work situation (about upcoming promotions, projects they are working on, etc) and sometimes when I am in a particularly hard spot people will ask me "what does your H think?" And the truth is he has no clue!
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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

At some point in the evening, he usually asks "How was your day?" I tell him some of the highlights of the day. If he knew ahead of time I had an important meeting or a presentation, he asks what happened. Did it go the way I anticipated. I do the same for him. I ask about his work day. His stories are almost always more interesting than mine because he interacts with more (clueless) people in the day than I do. 

I don't want to be asked the question "how was work" as soon as I come home. I need some time to decompress from the work day plus the commute. We usually talk around dinner time when both of us have had some time to relax. It's not as if we go in depth about the day, but we share whatever we want from work be it a funny incident, office politics, upcoming meetings, colleagues we each know at the other's workplace, etc. 

I couldn't tell from your post if you've told your husband you want him to ask about your work day. It sounded like you haven't brought this up with him. So often we assume that others want to be treated the way we want to be treated. He might not want to talk about his work day (sounds like it) so he probably assumed you feel the same way too. He might not realize you're looking to vent and get support. 

In the beginning when I talked to my husband about the day, he'd to the typical guy thing of trying to fix the problem for me by suggesting things. He didn't understand that I was trying to connect by talking. He'd get frustrated because he'd see a problem (something from my workplace) and all I wanted to do was talk about it. He didn't understand that I wanted him to listen; not fix the problem. Now he gets it. I wonder if your husband has that issue as well. He can't listen and empathize without trying to fix the problem. Men are hardwired to provide and protect. They like to solve problems. Unlike women who like to gab and connect through talk, they sometimes find it frustrating to talk without doing something.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

As Coffee stated.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I work from home. So when my 'reviews' become heated, they can be heard throughout the house.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I don't know what I want, really. I was just curious if anyone else draws as hard of a line as we do - literally not bringing work into the relationship at all. I guess on some level it bothers me because there is about half of my life that my husband is completely unaware of and sometimes I feel like that prevents us from being as close as we could be. I mean he can overhear when I take a work call at home and can tell when things are heated but won't ask a single question about it, so I never volunteer. Just curious what other people do, that's all.
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

My H comes home and talks about his work .. details and all.. and honestly.. I really don't mind. I would do the same when I had been working and he was staying home. I honestly love hearing about his day. I guess we are just different.. but I see it as him sharing another part of himself and his life with me.. and vice versa.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

kag123 said:


> My husband and I both work full time, in very stressful and demanding jobs at the moment. We both have the type of job where we get urgent phone calls, texts and emails in the evenings at home. Luckily not on the weekends (we both put our foot down on that).
> 
> *I have always been told "Leave your personal issues at home, and leave your work issues at work." I definitely live by this rule in the office and don't bring any of my personal life to work, and I try to operate this way at home too.*
> 
> ...


Is he abiding by the rule that you follow? Mirroring your behavior in a way? How about just start talking to him "This happened at work today and I'd like your take on it..." 

My H and I talk about our work day. If he's told me about a certain meeting he's prepped for, for the next day, I'll often send him a text before that time to wish him luck and let him know I'm thinking of him. We do share in detail of what's happened... venting, sharing the silliness, asking advice or general thoughts.

As for at the workplace, we both tend to keep our private lives fairly separate. There's the chit-chat of sharing how a concert was, or something about the dog and such...but I've never taken drama or personal issues to work with me. Many of my closest friends have been people I've once worked with/for. As colleagues there was always a line kept, it's just the way I'm wired. Once I've left a place, the friendships kick up a notch and it's all good.

H and I are mindful of bringing too much work-talk home with us though. Even during stressful times, there's an awareness that we're at home now and we don't want our valuable time with one another to be consumed by work stuff! It's finding the balance imo.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Oh yea. He will text me during the day "oh so-and-so has his head up his ass again". 

Since I know all his co workers and they know me, he will dish and I will also ask. 

I tell him my boring lackluster day of on demand and movies and if I posted on tam. My godville heroine. 

My surveys and take pics if it was a good mail day. Yawners I know. Dinner. Kids. 

So his job is interesting. I always ask about the customers. We laugh. I tell him what happened at the store, who I talked with (flirted) and we have a laugh at their expense (cruel I know)

My day is dullsville. His day is entertaining.


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## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

No we hardly talk about work, unless I'm complaining about some weirdo.

My suggestion is to vent to a female friend. Men are not good with listening to you vent for the sake of venting. They are problem solvers. If they can't solve it, they don't see the point in hearing about it.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

La Rose Noire said:


> Men are not good with listening to you vent for the sake of venting. They are problem solvers. If they can't solve it, they don't see the point in hearing about it.


I'm gonna have to disagree with this... There are plenty of men out there whom are great listeners... and plenty of women who are better problem solvers. It all depends on the type of partner you end up with I suppose. The main thing.. imo... is to find a way to adapt to one another and learn each others form of communication and love language. That's just my opinion though.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Gaia said:


> I'm gonna have to disagree with this... There are plenty of men out there whom are great listeners... and plenty of women who are better problem solvers. It all depends on the type of partner you end up with I suppose. The main thing.. imo... is to find a way to adapt to one another and learn each others form of communication and love language. That's just my opinion though.


I feel similarly.

I turn to my husband as my best friend and he is a great listener. (haha...or he knows how to tune out without me noticing). I like that he takes interest on what happens in my day. With the 'problem solving' I do agree with that. On occasion I'll tell him, I don't need a solution, I just need to vent.


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## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

Gaia said:


> I'm gonna have to disagree with this... There are plenty of men out there whom are great listeners... and plenty of women who are better problem solvers. It all depends on the type of partner you end up with I suppose. The main thing.. imo... is to find a way to adapt to one another and learn each others form of communication and love language. That's just my opinion though.


Yeah some men are good listeners. My guy is. But that doesn't mean they enjoy listening to us blab on and on about mundane things. I find women are much better at offering support when it comes to purely venting. 

We can agree to disagree.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

La Rose Noire said:


> Yeah some men are good listeners. My guy is. But that doesn't mean they enjoy listening to us blab on and on about mundane things. I find women are much better at offering support when it comes to purely venting.
> 
> We can agree to disagree.


I agree that everyone has a different experience sure... I was merely stating that there are listeners and problem solvers with both genders. I too have found that women.. for the most part.. at least in my experience .. have been better at offering support with venting and such as well.. however... I have had friends who have found this to be the truth with men rather then women. Never understood it exactly.. unless it be the case with their SO...(for this friend it wasn't.. it was men in general) but to each their own.. that i do agree with lol.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

La Rose Noire said:


> Yeah some men are good listeners. My guy is. But that doesn't mean they enjoy listening to us blab on and on about mundane things.


This could also be reversed... I've been guilty of doing the above myself .. (Which may explain why some of my friends say men are better listeners... lol)


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

My husband and I talk about his workday every day when he gets home. I tell him about mine (which is generally spent either churning out articles on the computer or on the phone dealing with property management stuff.)

What prevents you from occasionally saying something like, "I would really love it if you'd be willing to let me rant for 5 or 10 minutes about what's going on with my work. I'm not seeking advice, just an ear. Would that be ok with you?"


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## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

Gaia said:


> This could also be reversed... I've been guilty of doing the above myself .. (Which may explain why some of my friends say men are better listeners... lol)


Bahaha. I'm totally guilty of the same. I'm still told I'm told I'm a good listener though, but I'm really just good at pretending to listen...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

La Rose Noire said:


> but I'm really just good at pretending to listen...


I wish i could say the same... lmao.. I had one friend talk to me about something and i ended up tuning her out and watching what was on the tv.. She then came up and waved in my face and said.. "HELLO!!!! Are you even LISTENING?!?" Then proceeded to rant about how I was JUST like her ex... tuning her out and not paying attention.. and yadi yadi yada...


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## As You Wish (Jun 5, 2012)

We work together. Not just we work in the same building/department, but we work together, as in we have offices next to each other, a common goal, and the same boss. :lol:

Because of this, yeah, we talk about work. In fact, we have a rule about when we stop talking about work--8:00 pm or when we sit down to dinner, whichever is first.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

LOL... ^ that was funny, Gaia!


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## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

Gaia said:


> I wish i could say the same... lmao.. I had one friend talk to me about something and i ended up tuning her out and watching what was on the tv.. She then came up and waved in my face and said.. "HELLO!!!! Are you even LISTENING?!?" Then proceeded to rant about how I was JUST like her ex... tuning her out and not paying attention.. and yadi yadi yada...


LOL.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The way you are made up you need to talk about work to unload your stress. You could call this a female thing, but there are men who are made up this way too. I'm not trying to be sexist.

If you cannot have this outlet, you should quit your job. Just because your man does not need this outlet, does not relate to your needs for stress relief.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & My husband is alot like PandaKiss described...... . I always ask how his day was when he gets home....he will tell me anything worth mentioning...anything that ticks him off, how dirty he got & show me, the boss acting up, the funny, the crazy things the guys say, some of the interesting articles they hang on the urinal wall ....when he gets home. 

His co-workers all know me, sometimes they call me up to let me know I forget his salad dressing (yet again) telling me they are watching him choke down his salad, they seem to enjoy razzing me. 

I work a few side jobs, he asks me how that goes too -when I got home. 



> *Heartsbeating said*: I turn to my husband as my best friend and he is a great listener. (haha...or he knows how to tune out without me noticing). I like that he takes interest on what happens in my day. With the 'problem solving' I do agree with that. On occasion I'll tell him, I don't need a solution, I just need to vent.


Same here.... Anything I want to talk about, he is there....wonderful listener. Love him for that. I don't talk about the mundane things that happen during the day.. just the highlights, anything new or interesting, some of the questions & dilemmas I read on here to get his imput...to see if we think alike or not..we had a good laugh talking about the husband who wants to ask his wife if he can shoot it in a cup, then drink it...just last night. :rofl:


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> talking about the husband who wants to ask his wife if he can shoot it in a cup, then drink it...just last night. :rofl:


I hope that was a discussion about a thread.... cause that just sounds kinda.. perverted gross... :rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> What prevents you from occasionally saying something like, "I would really love it if you'd be willing to let me rant for 5 or 10 minutes about what's going on with my work. I'm not seeking advice, just an ear. Would that be ok with you?"


I thought the same thing too.

Why can't she ask him to listen for a bit while she talks about the day? It's a simple enough request and he doesn't have to do anything except listen. 

When I share what happened in the day with my husband, I feel "closer" to him. I know he can't change things at work but I feel supported if he listens. We have some funny conversations too about stupid organizational changes and the management gobbledygook we have to put up with.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Gaia said:


> I hope that was a discussion about a thread.... cause that just sounds kinda.. perverted gross... :rofl::rofl::rofl:


Of course -- right here, I just left another reply moments ago.....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/49092-delicate-question-4.html


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Gaia said:


> My H comes home and talks about his work .. details and all.. and honestly.. I really don't mind. I would do the same when I had been working and he was staying home. I honestly love hearing about his day. I guess we are just different.. but I see it as him sharing another part of himself and his life with me.. and vice versa.


Gaia, this sounds like my husband and me when he was working! LOL
He would come home, after an hour one way drive, exhausted, but needed to unwind from the day, and talk to me about how things were going. He was an auto tech and there were days that it was just so stressful. I didn't understand half the things he was talking about, but I listened...because he needed that outlet...and I am his wife, his best friend. He knew I didn't know much about working on cars nor all the tools... all he cared about, at those times, was that I was there for him to talk to. Just as he was there when I needed to talk about how the kids behaved each day. LOL


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Hicks said:


> The way you are made up you need to talk about work to unload your stress. You could call this a female thing, but there are men who are made up this way too. I'm not trying to be sexist.
> 
> If you cannot have this outlet, you should quit your job. Just because your man does not need this outlet, does not relate to your needs for stress relief.


Thanks.

I have talked to him in the past, attempted to, but he gets frustrated while listening often making comments like "that's a stupid way to do things" etc when he doesn't really understand the whole situation. That usually irritates me enough that I shut up and decide to stop talking to him. He cannot listen without commenting - he's either giving me his opinions (which would be fine if they were not derogatory ) or he's tuning me out. Both annoy me enough that I've dropped the issue entirely. I assumed I was in the "wrong" for having this need that he doesn't have, and figured I should find another outlet or ignore it entirely. He often says "Why do you need to bring this crap home with you, don't you spend enough time dealing with this when you are in the office?" Meaning - leave your problems at the door, I find it annoying that I have to hear about it.

We used to work together, for the same company, for the same boss, on the same projects at desks right next to each other. I think we had our closest relationship then. We worked great together, we were a dream team, and everyone told us so. Obviously then we talked about work constantly and often problem solved together, which I truly enjoyed. Then the company downsized and I got laid off. He still works there - five years later - and I have gotten another job that was a big leap up from what I used to do. In terms of responsibility, workload and company size. Now we live two different worlds and things have shifted so dramatically. I miss those days when we could work our problems out together but he has pretty much shut me out (my view) and I have responded by shutting up entirely.

Problem is without an outlet to share and get feedback, I am drowning in stress and despite my best efforts not to bring it home with me...well, I do. I am beat down and exhausted at the end of the day and feel like I have nothing left to give sometimes. He reacts by getting pissy with me instead of asking me what is wrong or taking an interest which drives the wedge deeper. It sucks.
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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wife is very very smart. If I tell her something she'll try to suggest things to 'fix' it. But a) she really doesn't understand the first thing about what I actually do b) I don't want or need her help and c) I don't deal with people and situations in any way similar to the way she does or would. So I'm not interested in her suggestions. In fact I'm not looking for feedback at all. All I'm doing is making a comment in passing.


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