# HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate



## MrMarriedman (Mar 4, 2009)

I am a fairly attractive younger man who has been married to a beautiful woman for 7 years and have been with her for a total of 10 years. Our sex life at the begining was good. We would have intimate encounters several times a week, cuttle and kiss regularly and life was good. After having our first of two children 4 years ago my wife's sex drive decresed and our romantic love life started to fade. When the second child came it almost destroyed her sex drive (or so I thought). He is now 2 years old and life has returned to normal (as normal as life with two kids can be). I have tried everything to show my love for my wife, make her feel special and have her want to have sex with me. Things have continued to degrade and now we have sex about once a week but it is not enjoyable for either of us anymore. She is not interested in sex and it is alway a "chore" for her. She will say thing like "don't be a hero" and "you can finish anytime now" while we are making love. I find these comments very degrating and have told her that in the past. I seriously have tried everything and I can not get her to be passionate. 

Last week she told me that I no longer "do it" for her and that she has lost "the passion". She's admitted that the only reason why she had sex with me for the past 5 years was to "satisfy me and get me off her back". Looking back I should have realized this and given her space. She has commited to working on our marriage and I am truely happy for that. We have taken sex off the table so that we can work on our relationship, however, now she does not even like to kiss me and cuttling is out of the questions for her.

The problem that I have is that I always told myself that the reason why she didn't want to make love was that her sex drive was gone but after prying a bit she also admited that she masterbates quite regularly and sometimes up to once a day. This was very difficult for me to hear and I really don't understand what I did wrong. 

My questions are: Do woman like to masterbate more then they like to make love to their significant other? What does she mean when she tells me that she has lost the passion? Can she get the passion back or is our marriage over? What can I do to help her re-discover the passion? Any advise would be appreciated!

FYI I cook, clean, do laudry, pick-up the kids, take care of them so she can go shopping, ect... I try to be the best husban and father that I can.

Please help!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I would be surprised if you can't find yourself somwhere in my article:

Sexless Marraige?
If you read the whole thing and comment, I will get back to you.
But from the way you write, it seems fairly clear which category you're in already.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

MrMarriedman said:


> FYI I cook, clean, do laudry, pick-up the kids, take care of them so she can go shopping, ect... I try to be the best husban and father that I can.


Great on the logistics of the house hold. What do you provide for her emotionally? What issues are you working on in the marriage? It is likely an emotional detachment on her part that impedes the sex drive.


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## MrMarriedman (Mar 4, 2009)

Thank-you Mommy22. You your insight was amaizing.


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## MrMarriedman (Mar 4, 2009)

Quick questions...should I be worried that she does not want to make love to me? Does this mean that she could be having an affair???


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

I think people have such unrealistic views of sex. They expect that both partners are going to be in the mood at the same time, it'll all be wonderfully spontaneous and romantic etc etc.

If I'm horny I'd expect the bloke I'm sharing a bed with to sort me out whether he was in the mood or not. Likewise if he wanted a shag and I didn't really feel like it I'd sort him out (seriously how much effort is involved in a blowjob). Since I first started having sex that's how I've done it and its worked out pretty well. I've never seemed to attract the drama queens that a lot of my mates got lumbered with.

I remember a friend of mine told me once that I got a sense of efficacy from sex! she was tutting her head and spouting all this psycho babble nonsense she'd read. And I just said of course I did (i had to ask her what efficacy meant first) as a human being its only natural. She'd read all this nonsense and it was reinforcing the notion in her head that the series of car wrecks that were her relationships was somehow to be expected.

Sex is easier than a lot of people make out, there's no need to over complicate it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

seems pretty hostile to tell you that for five years you haven't done it for her. Sure, on one level it is candid, but on another, five years?

She prefers herself getting off to sex with you? In a marriage that is not acceptable.

If this were a man doing that, most responders would be calling the guy snarky names.

She's avoiding intimacy with you, clearly, she has a libido, where is it focused?

Not suggesting she is having an affair, but it is a reasonable question to wonder about.

I agree with you about the comments during sex basically telling you to get it over, are designed to do the following:

1. Tell you she is not liking the sex IN THE MOMENT.

2. Tell you to get off me, I'm so done with this chore. 

3. Tell you , you're not her hero and cannot be. You don't satisfy her sexually.

4. Interrupt your pleasure making it impossible to really be satisfied in the moment. 

She's very hostile to you. Why?

BTW, not against masturbation, every one does it. The context here is instead of enjoying relations with you.


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## HisSummerRose (Dec 10, 2008)

_mrmarriedman ... I am praying that you can get things back with your wife ... I am sure that things are hard right now but I will be praying for you !!!_


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## MrMarriedman (Mar 4, 2009)

Thanks to all of you for your insight. I feel now that I failed by not truely listening to her and for taking her advantage. I can't control her feelings or actions I can only control mine and that is what I plan on doing.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MrMarriedman said:


> We have taken sex off the table so that we can work on our relationship, however, now she does not even like to kiss me and cuttling is out of the questions for her.


What exactly do you mean by this: off the table? For how long?

If you read my article you would see which camp you fall into - it's written all over you.


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## MrMarriedman (Mar 4, 2009)

We have both agreed that we will not have sex until our problems are resolved and we BOTH want to have sex. I want the next time we make love to be a positive experience for both of us. As far as how long, I am not sure. Could be a month or it could be 6 months. This has proven to be the most difficult task for me because sex is important to me but it is worth the sort term pain for the long term gain.

I had a break through last night after reading your article Mark. I was not a good lover and I was not in tuned with my wife’s wants and needs. I am a great husband and father but a poor communicator and a poor lover. I am going to work on both these issues.

We had a great talk this morning. I admitted my faults in the past and told her that I respect her and want to learn more about her emotions and desires. After the talk she hugged and kissed me passionately. I think with a lot of work we will be alright. We are both very excited to move forward. 

Thanks again for all your comments. It really is crazy how out of tune men can be with woman’s emotions and feelings. I am 28 years old and I just figured out that grabbing at my wife after our children go down for a nap is not foreplay!!! It does NOT turn her on!!! I need a lot of work. LOL


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MrMarriedman said:


> I had a break through last night after reading your article Mark. I was not a good lover and I was not in tuned with my wife’s wants and needs. I am a great husband and father but a poor communicator and a poor lover. I am going to work on both these issues.


I'm really pleased for you, but I saw something else... If I am wrong, please shoot me down, but you seem to be a bit of a doormat/lacking in spine.

Most women are turned on by a bit of male arrogance, but they won't admit it. The really like c0cky cheeky fun. Most of all they want to know a man is firm.

If you have as many as two items on my check list, the prognosis is very good if you can put them both right.

Please do not talk to your wife about the backbone issue. This is something you must work on in secret. Asking "Do I lack backbone" misses the point!

Few women will say to you face they want you to be firmer with them - though they often post it up on threads in here...


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

MT is right about the backbone thing.

When it comes to my wife and kids, I am firm and "have a backbone", but I am most definitely non-confrontational with everyone else in the world.

I will give in if its not that big of a deal, only if its serious would I stand firm. The only times I "stand firm" is if its something either attacking my family or my morals.

For instance, I travel a lot for work and the guys can always talk me into whatever restaurant they want, I'm "easy". However, when they want to go to the strip club after, no matter how much prodding, I always have them drop me back off at the hotel and then I call my wife and wish her a good night sleep.

My wife has told me numerous times she wishes I "stuck up for myself" more with other people.


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## MrMarriedman (Mar 4, 2009)

Thanks Mark. I am a bit of a door mat and that is one of the main areas I will be working on. I didn't mention it in my previous responce because I agree that this needs to be worked on in private. Can you give me any pointers on how to be romantic but firm??? What issues do woman like me to be firm on??? My wife does NOT like it when I am aggressive when it comes to hugs/kisses/sex. This turns her off completely. She enjoys slow romantic moves. How can I show my strength as a man but still be a compationate and loving partner???


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MrMarriedman said:


> Thanks Mark. I am a bit of a door mat and that is one of the main areas I will be working on. I didn't mention it in my previous responce because I agree that this needs to be worked on in private. Can you give me any pointers on how to be romantic but firm??? What issues do woman like me to be firm on??? My wife does NOT like it when I am aggressive when it comes to hugs/kisses/sex. This turns her off completely. She enjoys slow romantic moves. How can I show my strength as a man but still be a compationate and loving partner???


Romance has to be tailored for the recipient. I wrote about it here:
Romance for Men

You don't need to be romantic and firm at the same time.
Work on romance, and making her feel cherished. When you get good at it, there will always be a background of romance in the air, but on certain occasions you can step it up. For instance, my wife loves it if I make her a hot cup of tea the moment she comes in from shopping. So when I am on the ball, I have the kettle boiling before she comes back, so I can give her the tea before she even sits down. I also sneak down to the supermarket - it's just round the corner, and help her carry the bags back - not every time, but when I want to make her feel extra cared for. It's lots of little things like that. But I don't get under her foot - I give her space too because she is the sort of woman who likes to be left alone quite a lot also.

Firmness is different. I tel her to knock it off if she tries to boss me. When she is 7 days before her period she can be really difficult, and gives me a hard time. I let her know when she has gone too far - or tell her to sit down and I will take care of x,y or z.


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## MrMarriedman (Mar 4, 2009)

You are a very wise man MT. i wish I met you years ago.


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## MrMarriedman (Mar 4, 2009)

Thank-you Mommy22. You're advise has been extremely insightfull. It has been a little difficult to acept the fact that I've been doing a lot of things wrong since the start. But I finally realized that my wife will be in my life until one of us leaves this earth so we might as well have fun while we are here. I haven't felt this satisfied in my life for a long time and I haven't had sex in almost a month! LOL This forum has, in my opinion saved my marriage. Thanks again. I'll guarantee you that there will be more posts from me as I try to figure out how woman tick! LOL


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MrMarriedman said:


> Thank-you Mommy22. You're advise has been extremely insightfull. It has been a little difficult to acept the fact that I've been doing a lot of things wrong since the start.


Like the first 18 1/2 years in my case!

This forum has really helped me. In reading what others have gone through I see myself. And we're all pretty much struggling with the same silly issues. It's not rocket science, it's just a matter of waking up to the obvious


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

I'm coming into this thread rather late, but it was a good one so I'd like to ask a question.



> Please do not talk to your wife about the backbone issue. This is something you must work on in secret. Asking "Do I lack backbone" misses the point!


What do you do if you *are* the woman in this scenario? Is there anything a girl can do in order to encourage aggressiveness in her partner?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

evenow said:


> What do you do if you *are* the woman in this scenario? Is there anything a girl can do in order to encourage aggressiveness in her partner?


Yes. You can explain it to him, until he gets it. Tell him you would find him sexier. Keep telling him, give him examples and past anecdotes where he failed to show backbone. It will not be easy. That's why I prefer to work directly with the sufferer with this issue rather than the other spouse - because in order to fix a problem, you have first to see it.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Hey there...here's my 2 cents. 

Read The Five Love Languages. It's a very good book in helping you discover what it is that makes your partner feel loved. Really a great book, I highly recommend it.

Next: Explore the idea of her stimulating herself while making love. Some woman have a hard time reaching orgasm and that is not necessarily your fault. But having her help herself can be mutually beneficial...some men find it a huge turn on, and she is satisfied as well!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

raising5boyz said:


> Hey there...here's my 2 cents.
> 
> Read The Five Love Languages. It's a very good book in helping you discover what it is that makes your partner feel loved. Really a great book, I highly recommend it.
> 
> Next: Explore the idea of her stimulating herself while making love. Some woman have a hard time reaching orgasm and that is not necessarily your fault. But having her help herself can be mutually beneficial...some men find it a huge turn on, and she is satisfied as well!


I agree with both "cents". I have read and applied The Five Love Languages a few years ago, very good book.

I also agree with the self stimulation while love making. My wife does this at times and its a HUGE turn on, not only because she is getting turned on, but because in the process she is stimulating both of us with her hand down there.


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## Fritz (Apr 3, 2009)

I too am a bad communicator but I continue to work on it.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Good for your for working so hard on this. 

Having a man that's less-than-optimal lover is the #1 killer of women's libido. Yet, so many men refuse to even consider that's why their wives are turned off sex. And society refuses to talk about this much. There's an assumption that just because you are in love with someone, the sex between you will be good. Not. I say, better admit it and fix it than remain sexless. Good for you! And good luck!


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