# Finally the end of the road



## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Some of you know my story as I posted it 6 years ago. Having been with my husband 31 years, and having two beautiful children (now 25 and 20), we are now on the road once again to divorce.

A year ago it was me who implemented it because of his continued actions behind my back of sending money overseas to a young woman studying to be a Dr. in China he met 6 years ago. I think he tried to make the marriage work, but not wholeheartedly as he continued contact with her despite my request and warning.

I am now the fool because we moved to a different location/new home after that terrible trauma of me divorcing him a year ago when he promised to go to therapy after the move, yet did not fulfill that promise after asking him and trying to set it up. Yet the past three months that he has been home have been the best in many years...I thought we were finally on track to a happy marital life together. He was sweet to me the way he was when we first got married again. But I was being set up.

He just left for his job in another state for the month, and seemingly sincerely hugged and kissed me goodbye at the airport, and told me he loved me. A week later he told me via EMAIL I am getting served with divorce papers...what a way to do it, after being so affectionate? His comment was "because of your violent and destructive habits I was advised not to tell you that you are being served before the papers come" This is so very ludicrous as yes we have had our fights, but I haven't been violent with him..I have been actually refusing to fight like we used to. This was just a letter to bring to court if he needed to.

In his "dear John" letter to me he said things like "you don't care about my health" and "if you don't take care of me now why would I think you will down the road?"

This is also so *untrue* as I have always been there for him in his health! I bought him books on heart health and vitamins right after a carotid artery operation a year ago, have offered to go to Drs. appts with him, made him salads at 11:00 at night and cooked for him healthy meals, give him full-body massages when he comes home after a month working, and always took care of his sexual needs. I have never cheated on him..never would. I was always attentive to him, our children, his parents, and have been taking care of the properties over the years while he worked away.

I feel like a damn fool now. I always imagined we would be together into our old age. I really think he is still in touch with her...and is leaving me for her... She is now 31 years old and he is 58. Men usually do not like to be alone and will leave their wives for a younger woman...not leave her "just because"

That is what I get for sticking by him and being a really good wife & mother, & friend over the years...I do not want to be bitter...yet I am upset he did this the way he did and was sneaky AGAIN behind my back. I believe he has been planning this for a long time...even way before what happened a year ago.

I am traumatized as I believed he would never do this to me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's hard to keep a marriage together when the two people are apart most of the time. So here you are now without having been able to fix the problems with him away most of the time.

Hopefully you can get a good attorney to help you get a fair settlement.

Life just is not fair sometimes.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry about the latest developments. It sounds as though he has continued a relationship with the woman in China. He's in the fog and has rewritten history. My estranged husband did the same. You know what he is saying is untrue. For now just believe in yourself--and get a good attorney.

I'm guessing the Chinese woman has now completed medical school and is putting pressure on your husband to bring her to the US. Your husband is all for it because of her income potential AND she is young.

What are your children having to say about all of this?

Take care of yourself!


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Thank you two for your comments. Yes it does stink..thank you for the books Elegirl. I asked him to withdraw the papers but if he says no ---I will move on and not ask again.

I really do think he is still in touch with her and you are right Aug...it makes sense. If he was still sending her $ over a year ago after meeting her in 2006-2007 why would he stop now? I really believe he has been planning this for at least 3 years.

Maybe this is the beginning of a happy life...I just hate the thought of divorce especially when I have no $.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

We talked last night and he said he's sick of it that he is always blamed blamed blamed for everything. Funny because I see him blaming me for everything and I never criticized him even if I thought it. I was always sweet to him but he makes me out to be the bad person here.

I asked him if he would withdraw the papers and go to therapy for a year. (he promised to a year ago when I stopped the divorce and never kept his promise) and he said no that we've gone before and it did no good. But only once did we stick it out and go for awhile. The last time we went he walked out of the session.

Anyway his answer to me about withdrawing the papers was he would think about it....I hung up. I am moving forward. Just wish I had some money...I have nothing. I have enough money to give my lawyer a partial retainer, and then I have a small amount left, no job. Is there any assistance for women out there whose husband has deserted her? I can't work because I am going for double hip surgery next week so will be out of commission for 4 weeks.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Legal Aid.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it sounds like he played you. That happens. You need to put that behind you and focus on yourself. After you have recovered from surgery then you will be able to begin the search for a job. And rebuilding your life. It can be done.

ETA: He's rewriting your marital history to justify his actions. Ignore him.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Thank you 06Daddio and OpenMinded. I was thinking for money not necessarily a lawyer...I might get alimony but no guarantee. Trying to think of my things I can sell...but don't have much.

Yes, I believe he has been planning this for a very long time (2 years) and as the dust is settling I can see it even more clearly...the mail delivered to a diff address in the state he wants to file in, that address on his checks, and other comments he has made...How I couldn't see it before I don't know except I guess I was in denial. Why would I ask him to go the therapy and want to continue be be married to a person that plays others and isn't honest is beyond me.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

_"ETA: He's rewriting your marital history to justify his actions. Ignore him."_

Openminded thank you for this...It did help me as I believe what you say is true.

I wrote this to him tonight as a part of telling him I knew he has been planning this for a long time:

_Based on the fact that you had an affair with X in 2007 and after me asking you to severe any contact...you were still in touch in 2011 and planning a visit to her, so I am assuming this plays into a big part of the picture. I am not stupid and you think you are fooling everyone, but you aren't. Then there was the last big Xmas with the family at X. You knew it would be the last one when we would all be together. The true reason you are really leaving me is for her. Once you broke that vow you never were the same. I always hoped and planned we would be together into old age and now my dreams are broken along with my heart, but I will recoup and be happy again with out you, as I have deserved much better and I will find that life._

He could be reading this but I don't really care. There is nothing on here he can use against me in court.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

I also wrote him at the end of the long letter:

_"Please remember I do not want to hurt you nor the kids and will not do anything to try to, nor be bitter. I am much better off and will thank you someday when I get over it all. I will not trash you to the kids nor friends and simply say it didn't work out, and that I promise, cross my heart. I do wish you happiness and the best always."_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The end of any marriage is difficult but the end of a very long one is difficult beyond what most people can imagine.

It is never easy to face the loss of dreams. But you will get through it just as I have.


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## Jntrs (Feb 13, 2013)

theres one little thing he hasnt realized, hes being used by the china girl, not only will he bring her, but once shes settle she will meet a young guy and dump your ex and main reason is that he's sick too so she wont want to deal with it (I've seen it with my boss' situation), and thats when he will realize what he did, hang in there, time will take care of things and hopefully by then you will be in a better place


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

CAO, sorry to hear that you are in this situation. Y

ou are a better person than me. I pray to God everyday to help me not be bitter and angry. Rationally, I know it does not do any good to want revenge, but it is pretty insulting to have someone tell you that your love is not good enough anymore.

Trying to be positive,
Stretch


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

CAO, you gave it everthying you had, and then some. After 35 years of marriage, the setting you up routine sounds very immature on his part and he should be up for an Academy Award Performance. 

Your husband is in a deep deep fog - not in real world. The young china doll also thinks he is wealthy. Your husband will be near 70 in a decade - she will want no part of him long before that. 

I'm sorry - how are our kids coping with this? Your son, isn't he the same age as the OW?

Your husband is not a happy person and no one with a sense of decency can like themselves for pulling this over on a spouse after all this time. Good luck to you.


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