# How do I deal with wifes issues!



## JE21 (Mar 13, 2013)

Hello, I wanted to write this to seek advice for my marriage and 3 month old son. I am 21 years old and she is 19. I know we are very young but we have been together for 2 years and married for 9 months, Had a child in December and he is 3 months old. Well, It all started about a week ago she was acting really strange all of the sudden. Hiding her phone, Texts, Emails, Facebook stuff. We both have each others passwords at this time. We used to check each others stuff all the time without care. So, I decided to get on hers and look to see what was going on. Well she told me her ex-boyfriend messaged her and I said okay, He said he wanted to be friends and I told her she shouldnt even be talking to him. Keep in mind this guy has cheated on her 3-4 times and has OD'ed on pills when she left him last.

So, when she kept acting weird. Being on her phone litterally 24/7 for a week I started asking questions and getting upset because of it. She wont get mad and say "There's nothing else to do!" Or something in the order of that. So I did more research on her things without her knowing, I found she has been talking to people telling them how can she file for temp custody of our child and that she doesnt love me anymore. So I asked her about it. Again she starts getting mad and screams and yells and doesnt talk about it. So I did more research to find that she used her old Myspace account to talk to her ex-boyfriend. They were talking about moving in with each other and taking my son from me. And that they loved each other, Also that they were meeting up.

Now, I got mad. So I brought the computer in and comfronted her about it. She got so mad she left to go to her moms. I kept the child because the police would not take him out of the home. She got mad and stayed. Then that night ( Keep in mind through all this everyday she would be happy and loving to me) she cried to me saying they are just friends and she wanted to talk it out and work on our marriage and problems. Well, She wont talk about it. She goes to her moms, And I let our son go with her. She said she would come home in a couple of days. So I said okay go take some time. Think about things. Well, Now she will not talk to me, Blocked me off the internet. Only texts me rarely. Mostly when I ask about our son. Then when I go over to get our son (Shes been gone 5 days now) I will ask her when she wants to talk about this, And she will give me a date or time And hug an kiss me and tell me she loves me.

However, Everytime that time comes to talk she will make up an excuse and lie to me constantly. Even her mom is now lying for her. She told my mom she was confused and needed help. But now everyone that tries to help her she will block them out of her life. I seen her exs car in their driveway and I went to see if she was home and said it was her little sisters friend. (Which is 13) And I already knew who it was cause I seen him. Now she is acting like a teenager, An is not thinking of her son. When I have him she wont text or call not even to see how he is doing. When she has him I call or text every couple of hours to see how he is doing. She turned into a completely different person. Now I believe she is filing for divorse and custody but I am not 100% sure. I have tried everything to fix this. Litterally everything. But it seems she doesnt care. I offered marriage couseling but she said she doesnt want to talk to someone. I love her with all my heart and miss her at home. Is there anyone that can give me some advice on how I can get her in the right state of mind??? I have Ohio laws. Thanks.


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

JE21 said:


> Hello, I wanted to write this to seek advice for my marriage and 3 month old son. I am 21 years old and she is 19. I know we are very young but we have been together for 2 years and married for 9 months, Had a child in December and he is 3 months old. Well, It all started about a week ago she was acting really strange all of the sudden. Hiding her phone, Texts, Emails, Facebook stuff. We both have each others passwords at this time. We used to check each others stuff all the time without care. So, I decided to get on hers and look to see what was going on. Well she told me her ex-boyfriend messaged her and I said okay, He said he wanted to be friends and I told her she shouldnt even be talking to him. Keep in mind this guy has cheated on her 3-4 times and has OD'ed on pills when she left him last.
> 
> So, when she kept acting weird. Being on her phone litterally 24/7 for a week I started asking questions and getting upset because of it. She wont get mad and say "There's nothing else to do!" Or something in the order of that. So I did more research on her things without her knowing, I found she has been talking to people telling them how can she file for temp custody of our child and that she doesnt love me anymore. So I asked her about it. Again she starts getting mad and screams and yells and doesnt talk about it. So I did more research to find that she used her old Myspace account to talk to her ex-boyfriend. They were talking about moving in with each other and taking my son from me. And that they loved each other, Also that they were meeting up.
> 
> ...


File for divorce. It will give you back the power and if she comes to you begging to reconcile you can always stop the divorce proceedings. Take pictures of the other man's car in her driveway when you see it, including license plates. This will help you in custody battle since you've implied he has a proven history of drug abuse on file (I'm assuming police or hospital were involved). 
She's already checked out, I wouldn't hold much hope of R and I don't think you'd want it even if it's an option. Even if you do want R (I know its hard to let go) filing for D is still the best way to get there. She's deep in the fog and needs to realize her current behavior is unacceptable and will cause her to lose you unless she makes a change RIGHT NOW. Expose to all her friends, all her family (though you imply they already know) and anyone else you two know. She's already lying to them about why she left you and what an awful piece of sheet you are. Spread the truth far and wide now so people can start looking down on her as the scumbag she is. That might cause her to come to her senses and realize what a sheety move she's making. 

D looks like it's going to happen whether you want to or not. Trying to "save" your marriage by being nice and reasonable won't work. Act like her leaving means nothing to you and you're eager to get the D over with so you can find someone who isn't such a POS. 99% chance she'll come crawling back at that point claiming she made a huge mistake.


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## JE21 (Mar 13, 2013)

Well, I believe her friends would not believe me if I told all of them that. I know her friends and family probably do not know about it, Except for her sisters and mom. I know this is very hard for me cause I havent been able to eat or sleep for several days. Wondering how or what could be possibly going through her mind on doing such things. And I'm not sure I can get pictures of his car and plates now. So I'm afraid of losing my son in a custody war. And I do still love her and would be willing to forgive her IF she would come to her senses. I honestly believe she is going through depression or she is very confused and being a puppet and whatever someone tells her she believes.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Get a lawyer.

Get a DNA test.

Get checked for STDs.


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## JE21 (Mar 13, 2013)

I'm 100% sure this is her first time. I have absolutely no doubts the baby is mine. Me and her never left each others sides. We were always so close and in love and happy. Until just recently.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Get a lawyer.
> 
> Get a DNA test.
> 
> Get checked for STDs.


DNA test the kid asap.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am sorry you are hear. Your wife is having an A not sure if it is just EA or a PA but she has connected with him agian. This is the kind of Bull men have to deal with about woman. She married you because A you are the kids Dad and B you are safe. The other guy is Drama and edgey. She likes that 

Man up. Go pick up the kid and go home. File for D and expose the A. Does the POS OM have a GF or Family? Go tell them he is busting up a family.

Pack up your wife stuff and dump it on the porch


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Post it on facebook. See an attorney now. She abandoned her child and that may help you get custody if you act quickly. You ccan always stop the divorce.

Face it she isn't very smart or she would not even speak to the doper. She will regret this the rest of her life but there isn't anything you can do.

Keep your son and cut her off completely, she thinks if things do not work out she can always come back to you. Filing divorce papers and asking for custody may wake her up but the odds are no better than 50/50.

Here is a link to the 180. Follow it to the letter. The Healing Heart: The 180

Be strong and take care of your child, be a good dad.


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## JE21 (Mar 13, 2013)

Thanks for all the replys everyone. It makes me feel better anyways. And the advice is good. I'm open to all and other replys.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tom67 said:


> DNA test the kid asap.


Yep! DNA test. 
Also the reason she us acting like a teenager is because she is a teenager. And not a particularly nice one...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

JE21 said:


> Well, I believe her friends would not believe me if I told all of them that. I know her friends and family probably do not know about it, Except for her sisters and mom. I know this is very hard for me cause I havent been able to eat or sleep for several days. Wondering how or what could be possibly going through her mind on doing such things. And I'm not sure I can get pictures of his car and plates now. So I'm afraid of losing my son in a custody war. And I do still love her and would be willing to forgive her IF she would come to her senses. *I honestly believe she is going through depression or she is very confused and being a puppet and whatever someone tells her she believes.*


She won't come out of her senses until you confront her with consequences. People might not believe you, but if you say "I found an email between them planning to leave me and move in together" and they think you're lying then there's nothing you can do with them. Just you putting it out there for all to see will be enough to seriously piss her off and help put you back in control.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Yep! DNA test.
> Also the reason she us acting like a teenager is because she is a teenager. And not a particularly nice one...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly what I was going to post!


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## JE21 (Mar 13, 2013)

But, Wouldnt that hurt my chances of getting custody or filing for divorce?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You are in love with the woman you thought she was. Not who she is. She has disrespected you and betrayed you. You have to get past this fog and shock that all BS's go through and get angry about what she's done to you. Use that anger to motivate yourself to take the appropriate steps. Don't lash out at her, don't beg, don't plead. Find the 180 link to help you start detaching from her.

Based on her lack of remorse right now, the chances of reconciling with her is almost zero, but if you even want the slightest chance, you have to be strong and decisive. As we say a dozen times a day to new BS's on here "You have to be willing to end your marriage to have a chance to save it."

Do the 180 on her, expose her to friends and family, and start divorce proceedings. Then wait to see if she demonstrates complete remorse for her actions. If she does, then you can chose to reconsider. If she doesn't, you're going to have to man up and be prepared to divorce her. 

I'm sorry you're here and I know it's tough to hear. But this will be the advice you're going to get on this forum, period. The only exception will be those that tell you to not even think about R with her.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

JE21 said:


> But, Wouldnt that hurt my chances of getting custody or filing for divorce?


Knowledge is power.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you DNA test and the child is NOT yours, do you still want custody?

Think about that before you answer.

You're the same age as one of my sons, and if he was in your situation I'd be hiring a lawyer stat.

Write down everything you can about this situation now, and add to it as things progress. Dates, times, witnesses. You may need it if it ends up in a custody battle.

Your wife is also the same age as my daughter, and despite what she thinks she IS still a teenager. Your wife doesn't sound much different than most, either. She needs a reality check, and the best way to provide one is to step up and serve out the consequences.


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## JE21 (Mar 13, 2013)

Do I need to log everything she does and everything I do? Like my phone has a bunch of texts from me and her. And it only holds so many so if I write them down will I still be able to use it in court without it being on my phone?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I have no idea what you can and can't use in court. My theory is that the more you can record the better - who knows what will be useful? A lawyer would be the best one to talk to about that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Can you save your texts on your computer or something?


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## JE21 (Mar 13, 2013)

I dont know if I can or not. I guess I could probably forward them to my email.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Where are your parents? Can they help you out here?

Many lawyers do a free initial consultation. Some universities with a law faculty will also help people out who can't afford lawyers. You really need a lawyer.


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## JE21 (Mar 13, 2013)

I have one of the best ones in town. I go to him tomorrow at 10 a.m. I'm curious but do you think I should ask her, "Are you ready to talk about this?" And if she gives me an excuse or lies to me I should tell her "Welp, I got to know by midnight, Or I will see you in court." Think that may put a scare in her?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

JE21 said:


> I have one of the best ones in town. I go to him tomorrow at 10 a.m. I'm curious but do you think I should ask her, "Are you ready to talk about this?" And if she gives me an excuse or lies to me I should tell her "Welp, I got to know by midnight, Or I will see you in court." Think that may put a scare in her?


You should see the lawyer and not tip your hand


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

No, don't tip your hand. She isn't stable right now. She could totally disappear with your child or something. 

Talk to your lawyer. Don't do anything till then.


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## JE21 (Mar 13, 2013)

Okay, Yeah I figured. I dont know how she is going to do this. She has no money, No nothing. And I only have the support of my parents. And she doesnt even have that cause her mom even told mine that she doesnt know how she is going to put food in two more mouths. But I dont know, I buy everything for my son. Even if she is there. I just want a way I could scare her alittle bit right now, Just for all the pain and hurt she has caused me this past couple of weeks.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Don't say a word to her. Just have her served. That will say what she really needs to hear. 

After she gets served, she MAY contact you. If she contacts you DO NOT just accept her back unconditionally. You must make firm boundary conditions.

But that's a long shot. She won't be back until he cheats on her again. But she won't return until then. Your future with her is going to be very stressful. She has support in her cheating from her parents. A very bad omen for you. 

Do the 180 to regain your sense of worth and dignity. Do it for yourself and your son. Be sure to sue for custody. Your son will have a bleak future with that pair of losers.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

JE21 said:


> I have one of the best ones in town. I go to him tomorrow at 10 a.m. I'm curious but do you think I should ask her, "Are you ready to talk about this?" And if she gives me an excuse or lies to me I should tell her "Welp, I got to know by midnight, Or I will see you in court." Think that may put a scare in her?


No..

Trust me this is going to be a hard life lesson for you. But it is going to happen. 

She is a kid.. All she wants to do is party at this age, heck she isn't even legal to drink I think and you just became legal to drink, at least in my state.

Nonetheless, where is your family support ?

You need to go to a lawyer and get some legal advice for your state as it varies from state to state.

Once you hit the lawyer and give her papers she might get scared to come back.

If anything I would con her into coming back and then NEXT TIME DON'T LET THE KID GO WITH HER.. You had all the control at that time and you lost it by letting her go with the kid. 

If you have a mom and dad then see if they can come over for now until the smoke clears to help you with the baby.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Buckle in and use the good people here to help you.


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## JE21 (Mar 13, 2013)

I should be getting my son for the weekend since she will be having him til Saturday, I will get him then and until Tuesday.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yes, whatever you do, do NOT sleep with her or take her back!!!!! 

As for your child, you will need to be there for him all your life. Even if a DNA test says he isn't yours, you will most probably have to be. Do not discontinue providing for him, but don't do it in the form of money to your wife or her parents. Do it in the form of purchases - diapers, food, clothes, whatever, and SAVE YOUR RECEIPTS. Sooner or later there will be a formal child support agreement in place - heck, you may even get full custody (unlikely I know, but maybe) and you want to be able to make damned sure you haven't shirked your duites as a parent, and that you can prove it.

If you do make the mistake of giving cash to someone, GET A RECEIPT. If possible, write cheques you can keep copies of for proof.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I say do not take her back because there are certain very specific things she would have to do first, which I can guarantee she isn't ready to do right now.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hardtohandle said:


> If you have a mom and dad then see if they can come over for now until the smoke clears to help you with the baby.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## JE21 (Mar 13, 2013)

I understand completely. I always say my son comes first. And even though it pisses me off so bad when she doesnt seem like its that way for her. I keep my cool and just know that she is just digging a deeper hole for herself. And I'm keeping my composure. I would not take her back unless I knew 100% sure I trusted her again. And she knows for a fact that I do not.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you haven't already, read the CWI Newbie link in my signature.

Hang in there. You're young - you'll be back in the saddle in no time.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

No one but you needs to know you had a DNA test done. But you need to know the results for a number of reasons.

First you need to know if your wife gave birth to another man's child.

BUT, realize that later on she may claim that this child is not yours. She may even have a test result claiming this. Do not trust that. Get your own now. You need this knowledge.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

JE,

I live in Ohio and have recently gone through the D process.

Ohio is a no-fault state. They do no care who is at fault for the demise of the marriage. Infidelity? They don't care.

Unfortunately in Ohio, the courts tend to give residential custody to the mother. Unless you can prove she is unfit to be a mother, which means she is a drug addict, mentally unstable, etc. Talk with your lawyer, but odds are you will only be seeing your kid on Wednesdays and every other weekend, which is the court-mandated minimum visitation schedule. If you and your wife are "friendly", perhaps she will let you have more time.

You will also have to pay child support. This is based on your income. Since you have only been married a short time, you probably won't have to pay spousal support. If you do, it will only be for a short time.

It's a shame that States like Ohio do not penalize a marriage-partner for a blatant violation of the marriage contract. But they don't. 

Get out now. The longer you stay married to her, the more likely it is that you will have to pay spousal support. And if you were to acquire more assets as time passed, she would get half of them in the divorce. Half your retirement fund and savings.

Ideally you can go for a dissolution. It's a lot cheaper, costing only a little over $1000 to get it done. It's also much quicker. In a dissolution, you and your wife decide on the terms of the end of your marriage. In a divorce, the court decides for you.

You fvcked up getting married so young. Learn from it. Become a man. Wait until you are 30 to marry again. Actually, if you were my kid I'd tell you to never marry again, because the laws are so unfavorable to a man. You can be the perfect husband and still get taken to the cleaners by a selfish, cheating wife.

Oh, and buy a copy of the Married Man's Sex Life Primer, by Athol Kay. It's not so much about sex. It's more about why women behave the way they do.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

JE21 said:


> Hello, I wanted to write this to seek advice for my marriage and 3 month old son. I am 21 years old and *she is 19*. I know we are very young but we have been together for 2 years and married for 9 months, Had a child in December and he is 3 months old. Well, It all started about a week ago she was acting really strange all of the sudden. Hiding her phone, Texts, Emails, Facebook stuff.
> 
> Now *she is acting like a teenager*, An is not thinking of her son. When I have him she wont text or call not even to see how he is doing. When she has him I call or text every couple of hours to see how he is doing. She turned into a completely different person. Now I believe she is filing for divorse and custody but I am not 100% sure. I have tried everything to fix this. Litterally everything. But it seems she doesnt care. I offered marriage couseling but she said she doesnt want to talk to someone. I love her with all my heart and miss her at home. Is there anyone that can give me some advice on how I can get her in the right state of mind??? I have Ohio laws. Thanks.


She still IS a teenager. Just because she got married and had a baby does not mean she is mature. Certainly, refusing to talk about what's going on is very immature.

If old boyfriend has been to her house, then you know they have had sex. Just about 100% chance of this.

I do believe she is confused. No one is controlling her. She is trying to decide whether to be with the man she thinks she is IN LOVE with (the ex-boyfriend) or the man she thinks she SHOULD BE in love with, but who she now only "loves but is not 'in love' with" (you).

My advice is to leave her to her confusion for the moment. Since she won't talk to you, write her a letter. In the letter, state that you love her and want to save your marriage. That you will improve whatever legitimate faults you have and that you will work hard to improve your marriage. But that you cannot tolerate her having an affair and that, unless she ends the affair and returns to TALK TO YOU and work on your marriage by (pick a day a few days in the future), you will file for divorce. Then do it.

In the meantime, see a lawyer and ask him what you have to do to get custody. You don't want to expose your child to the other man and all his problems.

Also, limit communications with her to only issues about your son and the divorce.

What is the attraction to the ex-boyfriend? Did she always love him but just gave up on him because of the drugs?

Who initiated contact, her or ex-boyfriend?


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## JE21 (Mar 13, 2013)

Good advice. And no she always hated him because of the cheating and fighting. She hardly ever talked to him. An if she did she would never respond she would have me to tell him to leave her alone. An it was the ex-boyfriend that started the talking.


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## barcafan (Jul 25, 2012)

Why does JE21 need to be there for the child his entire life if the child is not his? I don't understand.

I truly hope it's yours by the way, I just don't understand the reasoning.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

barcafan said:


> Why does JE21 need to be there for the child his entire life if the child is not his? I don't understand.
> 
> I truly hope it's yours by the way, I just don't understand the reasoning.


Do you have children? There's a lot of bonding that happens in the baby's first year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

BrockLanders said:


> Do you have children? There's a lot of bonding that happens in the baby's first year.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Also, some courts will award child support even if the child isn't genetically the mothers husbands.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

JE21 said:


> Good advice. And no *she always hated him because of the cheating and fighting*. She hardly ever talked to him. An if she did she would never respond she would have me to tell him to leave her alone. An it was the ex-boyfriend that started the talking.


She also loves him for the same reasons. It's a teen drama. It's what love looks like for her.
Stop asking her to talk, stop showing weakness. 
Take care of you and your son, file, expose her.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

JE21 said:


> I would not take her back unless I knew 100% sure I trusted her again. And she knows for a fact that I do not.


Its good to hear you're not being a stooge for this girl. You married a 19 year old. She's just a baby and chances are you were the rebound guy after she "ditched" her boyfriend. (until he wanted her back and she drops you like a bad habit) As demonstrated time and time again in these threads, when they start mentioning their ex, it spells trouble. Despite him treating her like crap, cheating, etc., one thing I can say is this dawg's in charge.
So you will wake up and smell the coffee, you're the one that's confused;not her. She knows exactly what she wants. And that is to spend quality time partying with the ex boyfriend et al while her parents babysit when you don't have the child. (Hey, I had a 20 y.o. daughter that got a divorce)
Moreover, I agree with the others. You need to have a DNA test since there is always a chance. If worse comes to worse in this regard, the bad news is your still, most likely, going to be stuck with support since youre named on the birth certificate.


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## donkey_punch (Jan 15, 2013)

Big mistake by marrying someone after only 1 year and 3 months of courtship. So basically now you will have to deal with two babies, trying to get your wife (more like girlfriend) to do adult things and giving your child a healthy growth. 

Divorce and take your baby with you. Maybe then (I doubt) she will react. Move on, you are still young and don’t need to throw away your life for someone with all that trouble. Just my 2 cents.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i married my wife when she was 19 had our son at 20 she turned 21 3 months later. the bar became more important, i live in a female frendliy state (idaho) my XW didnt have the money to fight so i got 50/50 custody and no child support then now i have him 70% of the time. get lawyer document everything.


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## JE21 (Mar 13, 2013)

Well, I seen a lawyer. He is very interested in this case. He said she is acting like a kid. And we have a very good chance to get at the least shared parenting with no support. But he is going to get a restraning order for the guy to not be around my son and for her to not be able to leave the courts jurisdiction.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That is excellent news!! Keep us updated. I am very interested in your story


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## JE21 (Mar 13, 2013)

She has not filed any papers herself yet he said. So he is going to push as hard as he can he says to scare the lights out of her to hopefully help her grow up alittle. I will keep you all updated!


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