# vent: confession to husband (regret)



## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

Vent :

Me an my husband have been experiencing endless problems in our relationship and he's been pushing me to tell him more about my past and how many Bf I've had, I told him half truth and I thought that was the end of it but I was wrong he kept on pushing until I told him about my dark past that I never thought I would share with anyone (In fact I wanted to forget about it)
I decided to tell him the whole truth that my first boyfriend had sex with me against my will and I was scared to report it cause i was still very young and didnt know what happens in relationships or how to get help.

Then later due to the rape situation that was not dealt with and the fact that I never had motherly or fatherly love I dated alot of guys wanting to feel that love that I never got from my family.
I used guys to get money to go to college cause my mother never gave me any so I had to make means and my dad had already passed on when I was 15yrs.

I meet this guy that I thought I loved then we started dating later in the relationship I got pregnant and had an abortion cause I decided I did not want to commit to him after his baby mama dramas.

Last year I was diagnosed with Bipolar which led to me finding out that the rape situation was affecting me emotionally I feel alot better now that it's out there.

My husband feels I have not been truthful to him and is hurting so bad. I apologised and we talked about it. I don't mind him leaving me for this cause he made me realise that I was unfair for not telling him and I'm really sorry about it. 

Now the thing is ever since I told him the whole truth every weekend he will ask me about the same thing over and over again then we go back to were we started me explaining the truth and apologising then he tells me how he will try working things out and that I must try being honest which I promise every weekend.

The pain of having to releave what I have been trying to forget for so many years is unbearable. I know I was wrong for not telling him but I was ashamed to tell him and I love him so much but the torture that I go through every weekend. 

I feel like running away every friday so I wont have to deal with this again I would rather have him leave me that releaving this every weekend.

He recently threatened to declare me an unfit mother if I leave him so I can lose my daughter he knows how much I love my daughter.

I'm so lost


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

WifeyRes said:


> He recently threatened to declare me an unfit mother if I leave him so I can lose my daughter he knows how much I love my daughter.


This is a bluff, he can't simply do that without hard proof which is very difficult to do. 

Talk to a lawyer, sound like you are in another bad relationship and you need to start looking for the exit. Life doesn't have to be like this.


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## RuralMama (Jun 18, 2014)

It might be a good idea for you to seek counseling. Get all this, including the issues from your other posts, into the open and let an objective licensed counselor help you sort through this. Maybe they can give you a good plan of action on how to speak with your husband. I am sorry you are struggling and lost, but there is hope friend. Seek guidance.


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

Lila said:


> Wifeyres,
> 
> I read your other posts and, combined with this one, I can only surmise that your husband is a sadistic control freak. He enjoys hurting you emotionally, demeaning you in public, and controlling you with empty threats. Your relationship is the poster child for spousal abuse. Please seek the help you need to get away from this man.


The thing is I'm hopeless cause everyone around us sees him as this perfect guy no one sees him as this person that I know.


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> This is a bluff, he can't simply do that without hard proof which is very difficult to do.
> 
> Talk to a lawyer, sound like you are in another bad relationship and you need to start looking for the exit. Life doesn't have to be like this.


Well just this morning again he emphasised that he will not let another man raise his child that he will fight me to the end.


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

RuralMama said:


> It might be a good idea for you to seek counseling. Get all this, including the issues from your other posts, into the open and let an objective licensed counselor help you sort through this. Maybe they can give you a good plan of action on how to speak with your husband. I am sorry you are struggling and lost, but there is hope friend. Seek guidance.



He once came with this other woman from church to discuss our issues when I spoke about the things he did to me he denied all those things and instead he lied and told the church woman that I'm always on my phone even when I cook and that I burn the food and what not (when I remember very well even that woman he was telling this always complained that it's hard to get ahold of me on my phone)....I will try and find a councelor and see how it goes.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Based on your own past, you should really be extra-careful choosing your partners. Your husband sounds like one of the worst if not the worst.


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Based on your own past, you should really be extra-careful choosing your partners. Your husband sounds like one of the worst if not the worst.


When I meet him he was the sweetest guy I have ever meet. people keep telling me how lucky I am cause they still see what I saw in the begining.. I was fooled.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

WifeyRes said:


> Well just this morning again he emphasised that he will not let another man raise his child that he will fight me to the end.


Well then, instead of cowering in the corner, strap on your guns and tell him to bring it. You MUST empower yourself!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

WifeyRes said:


> Now the thing is ever since I told him the whole truth *every weekend he will ask me about the same thing over and over again* then we go back to were we started me explaining the truth and apologising then he tells me how he will try working things out and that I must try being honest which I promise every weekend.


This is abuse, or harassment at the very least.

Tell him that you have told him all there is to tell and you will not discuss it one more time unless you're in front of a MC. And DON'T.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

WifeyRes said:


> The thing is I'm hopeless cause everyone around us sees him as this perfect guy no one sees him as this person that I know.


 So what? The only person who matters is a judge who will grant you divorce from him and custody of your child.

Start keeping a journal of every single thing he says to you.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

So, you have bi-polar and rape PTSD , and he threatens you with taking your child away. 

Do your part - make sure that your bi-polar is under control, which usually involves psychiatric meds and regular therapy. Make sure you keep your appointment, take your meds if prescribed, etc - all these things will be part of the records during divorce. You need those to be positive, showing your engagment and committment. In addition, individual therapy should help you get stronger.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

A judge is extremely unlikely to take your kids short of you smoking a crack pipe in front of them.


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

So I decided I wanted to sort things out and I sent him a message that I still loved him.

He called I told him about how I want to fix things and he feels that I brought him a lot of pain and he doesn't want to die because of me. (I think this is due to the fact that I told him I was not happy on Tuesday and that I haven't been for a while).

so now instead of him moving out he wants me to move out , I'm glad that he said I can take our daughter. THis came as a shock (the move)

He says that I should move out by this month end.

What are my rights?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your first post, you said this: "I feel like running away every friday"

So take this opportunity. RUN!

If you're in the US, you have a LOT of options for getting financial help to get you on your feet - housing, food, supplies, money, therapy. USE it.


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

turnera said:


> Your first post, you said this: "I feel like running away every friday"
> 
> So take this opportunity. RUN!
> 
> If you're in the US, you have a LOT of options for getting financial help to get you on your feet - housing, food, supplies, money, therapy. USE it.


I'm from SA Johannesburg, currntly I'm looking at houses to get a rough estimation of what a bond should cost monthly I'm not even sure if this will be allowed in SA since we married in community of property.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh. I'm afraid I can't help with that, then. Do you have access to legal help? Maybe start there, just to get an opinion of what you can and can't do.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Anyone have direct contact with "Dave" from SA? He should know


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

While I agree with everything said, I can't help but wonder about how much of your past you told your partner before marrying. I get the impression of not much.

That is not necessarily an issue in terms of misrepresentation but a lot of what you did not disclose has the potential for long term damage to the marriage if left untreated. 

Use the opportunity of going on your own and address those issues on your side because there will be other opportunities and you could be at risk of repeating the same behavior all over again.

This is not the time to assign blame and lament about the past but a time to move forward and address any lingering past issues with the help of a competent professional. You have your life to look forward to and your child's too.


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

Update :
So hubby made the past few weeks miserable I have been crying almost every day. He still hasn't moved and I do not think he is planning to.
He's been going on and on about how I betrayed him for not telling him about my past and I have apologised too many times already and I even told him that I'm willing to let him go if my past is so hard for him to leave with.

So he said he was moving again and I told him that I had no problem with him infect I wanted him to move... and I was getting tired of him dwelling on my past so I decided to fillin divorce papers and when I went back to him to get more information to complete them he told me that he only wants separation. when we got home that day he told me about how much he forgave me and wants to move on I figured you know what let me see how things go.
He went back to my past and asking me endless questions and this was draining and I felt you know what this is it I'm done.
I'm tired of crying I asked him for a divorce and he made it clear that he will not grant me a divorce cause we gonna make this work.
as much at that sounds good I'm not sure if I Love my husband anymore, I'm starting to hate him.
it has been very clear that he is trying to control me.
he keeps on telling about things that I need to change about me but he made it clear that he will not allow anyone to change him.
THis situation makes me feel like death could be the best thing that can ever happen to me. Thats crazy I know but I do not know what else to do.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

WifeyRes said:


> The thing is I'm hopeless cause everyone around us sees him as this perfect guy no one sees him as this person that I know.


You need to understand a parallel here.

Heroin addicts who want to quit are advised to avoid their usual circle of friends. Those who do that are far more likely to get and stay clean.

Just as a dealer provides a poison for an addicts' veins,, so your husband puts his brand of poison in your brain.

Any 'friends' who would take his side over yours are not your friends. Wittingly or unwittingly they are part of your dealer's gang.

You need to get away, emotionally if not physically from any person or crowd that doesn't support you.

Your husband is an abusive bully and his supporters are abusers-by-proxy.

Distance yourself from the entire gang. Real friends believe what you tell them and offer support.

If he puts his hands on you, call the police. Like all bullies, he'll probably wet himself when confronted by somebody his own size.

And stop taking blame and excusing his bullying. NONE of it is your fault. He has you apologising for being a victim of a crime. You're doing it because he's sucked the confidence out of you. You won't get it back if you stay around him and those so-called friends. He's a sick, disturbed man who doesn't have a cell that deserves you, your attention or your consideration - a cowardly oxygen thief.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sorry for what you are going through.

Is there any way you can get some therapy with your past traumas?

It seems like you ended up in another abusive relationship.

Sorry to say this, but people don't work on their issues until they face a catastrophic event.

If you file for divorce instead of just getting a separation, you would be in the driver seat of your relationship.

If he is afraid of losing you, he might seek the help he needs for his agner and resentment issues.

Also you can dictate your boundaries, saying that you won't put up with abuse of any type.

Get the help you need, so you can better cope.

Oh, and slowly detach from him, his sphere of influence is having a negative affect on you.

Perhaps find a support system out there of women who suffer from the same issues.

Having someone who understands the trauma that you went through, you won't feel alone and isolated.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what if he doesn't want to divorce?


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

turnera said:


> So what if he doesn't want to divorce?


I'm not sure what to do cause he doesn't want it.


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> You need to understand a parallel here.
> 
> Heroin addicts who want to quit are advised to avoid their usual circle of friends. Those who do that are far more likely to get and stay clean.
> 
> ...


I spoke to some of my girlfriends about my situation and they are very supportive. Some how I no longer get hurt or care much about the things he says. It's been 3 days without crying I'm just trying to make me happy and get set.


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Sorry for what you are going through.
> 
> Is there any way you can get some therapy with your past traumas?
> 
> ...


Thank you . I have been getting counselling from employee wellness program at work, it did help a bit though they encouraging for marriage councelling.
I think councelling for me individually can help me get my confidence ,happiness back.

I will go for face-to-face counselling and update


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## HiLibido (Dec 10, 2013)

What you're experiencing is classic emotional abuse. I've been there, I know.

Get away from him as fast as you can. For your own sake, not to mention your child!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

WifeyRes said:


> Update :
> So hubby made the past few weeks miserable I have been crying almost every day. He still hasn't moved and I do not think he is planning to.
> He's been going on and on about how I betrayed him for not telling him about my past and I have apologised too many times already and I even told him that I'm willing to let him go if my past is so hard for him to leave with.
> 
> ...


You need to divorce this man. He is not worth this fight. Too bad if he doesnt want it, you can do it anyway.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

WifeyRes said:


> I'm not sure what to do cause he doesn't want it.


Huh? You don't have to have his permission. Just divorce him.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

WifeyRes said:


> I'm not sure what to do cause he doesn't want it.



It's 2014 not 1940. You don't need his permission.


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