# conflicted wife who needs advice.



## freedomluv (Jan 19, 2017)

I have been married to my husband for going on 4 years and been together total of 5, we have 2 children, one from a previous relationship and our 2 year old. He is an amazing man and father and husband, I really couldn't ask for a better man, he loves me unconditionally and literally worships ground I walk on. He has to be my soul mate, I have thought this the whole time we have been together until just a few weeks ago. He didn't do anything wrong, and I know its just me, but I was a stay at home mom for the longest time, I haven't worked in a while.. and it was getting stressful and even just couldn't and didn't want to deal with my children anymore (I know im terrible, but lets face it, motherhood isn't what its all cracked up to be) so I had to get out, and then of course my husband goes to lose the best job in town..talk about stress.... but once I came to work I just realized that I miss doing what I want and going wherever I want and just not being nagged at all day. all I did before was cook and clean and take care of kids and husband. I mean basically all my husband had to do was go to work and wash his own a** so,.... yeah... I dream a lot of traveling and being alone. I long to be alone, in the peace and quiet. this he knows, I had already explained that I just wanted to run away and go be on a beach by myself, he thought that meant I wanted to leave him but it doesn't I basically just want to get away from the kids. as sad and mean as that sounds. I just have a strong urge to be selfish. enjoy my one life. I feel so tied down, I feel as if Im falling out of love with my husband, I think I do still love him but when he wants to look deep into my eyes (which he does a lot) I want to look away, and not just hold it there. it makes me feel awkward. and we have a good sex life, but he doesn't excite me anymore, he always has to ask "are we gonna do it tonight"? why do you need to ask, just throw me up against the wall and lay it on me, don't talk about it. It is aggravating. and Im afraid to say anything bc I don't want him thinking I don't like his sex, its just dang.... I wanna have some excitement. Its gone and I want it back. Will I get over this feeling or am I the only one, I feel like everything has changed and im not even sure why. please help.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'd separate how you feel about your kids from how you feel about your husband.

Is surprisingly common, but rarely talked about for people to regret having kids. Being a parent is not like in the movies, it can be frustrating and miserable. Other parents will often not tell you how they feel until you have kids of your own. I know a couple of parents who deeply regret the decision to have kids. Having kids is the most important, life changing decision a person will ever make - and many people don't think it through. 

Personally I would have been miserable with kids. My wife wanted them, couldn't get pregnant, we took in short-term foster kids - and she discovered that like you, she found the reality very different from the fantasy. These were short term "shelter care" kids so they were only with us for a few months. 

You have kids. That choice is made, never to be change. You have a duty to do your best for them. There is no way out of that. So you need to figure out how to enjoy kids, or at least make the best out of the situation. 

What part of caring for kids bothers you the most? Is there any way to reduce / share the load?


Your husband was working a full time job, and presumably will again. This is not his fault, he is holding up his end. 

Maybe you can share more. If you both work (when he gets a job again), there will be more money - that might pay for daycare for the kids to relieve some of your load. You can get maid service. If you both work it makes sense to share the house work. 

For the moment if he isn't working and you are, then he should be doing the bulk of the house work and child care. That of course changes when he does get a job again.


I'm sorry, but no matter how much you want to, you can't just walk away from your responsibilities to your children. My father sort of did that - he worked and brought in money, but he arranged his work schedule so he would almost never have to see his kids. You can imagine the fantasy stories I told myself as a child about why my father could never be at home (he was a secret agent.... etc etc). Don't do that to a child.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What you are feeling and going through is not unusual. What is important is how what you do now to get your head straight. You can get that loving feeling back for your husband, restructure your marriage and your family life. The way you are feeling is just a warning that you need to get your marriage to a new level.

There are some books that I think will really help you and your husband restructure your relationship to get it back on track. Read them in the order I've listed below:

*Love Busters* by Dr. Steve Harley

*His Needs, Her Needs* by Dr. Steve Harley

*Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence* by Esther Perel


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

:grin2:


freedomluv said:


> I have been married to my husband for going on 4 years and been together total of 5, we have 2 children, one from a previous relationship and our 2 year old. He is an amazing man and father and husband, I really couldn't ask for a better man, he loves me unconditionally and literally worships ground I walk on. He has to be my soul mate, I have thought this the whole time we have been together until just a few weeks ago. He didn't do anything wrong, and I know its just me, but I was a stay at home mom for the longest time, I haven't worked in a while.. and it was getting stressful and even just couldn't and didn't want to deal with my children anymore (I know im terrible, but lets face it, motherhood isn't what its all cracked up to be) so I had to get out, and then of course my husband goes to lose the best job in town..talk about stress.... but once I came to work I just realized that I miss doing what I want and going wherever I want and just not being nagged at all day. all I did before was cook and clean and take care of kids and husband. I mean basically all my husband had to do was go to work and wash his own a** so,.... yeah... I dream a lot of traveling and being alone. I long to be alone, in the peace and quiet. this he knows, I had already explained that I just wanted to run away and go be on a beach by myself, he thought that meant I wanted to leave him but it doesn't I basically just want to get away from the kids. as sad and mean as that sounds. I just have a strong urge to be selfish. enjoy my one life. I feel so tied down, I feel as if Im falling out of love with my husband, I think I do still love him but when he wants to look deep into my eyes (which he does a lot) I want to look away, and not just hold it there. it makes me feel awkward. and we have a good sex life, but he doesn't excite me anymore, he always has to ask "are we gonna do it tonight"? why do you need to ask, *just throw me up against the wall and lay it on me, don't talk about it.* It is aggravating. and Im afraid to say anything bc I don't want him thinking I don't like his sex, its just dang.... I wanna have some excitement. Its gone and I want it back. Will I get over this feeling or am I the only one, I feel like everything has changed and im not even sure why. please help.


*Would you say that you have successfully communicated that wish/desire to him in so many words?*


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## freedomluv (Jan 19, 2017)

Hello, I know I made the decision to have children and love them dearly, but the constant screaming and needy I just cant handle. I never get one minute to myself when Im home and my husband tries to help, but she will only deal with me, of course when Im at work he has the baby, but he still will constantly call me when shes been screaming for an hour, and Im not sure what he wants me to do. handle it... like I always do. so even when Im not there he always makes it well known how much she is crying and screaming and how he already( only been out of work a week or so) is getting aggravated with her. This aggravates me....I still keep the house clean and do laundry and what not even tho Im working, I guess dealing with the baby he cant juggle both. He wont be out of work long no, but it just puts so much stress on me, with not having much money and him already borrowing from parents. I cant stand that, I want to be stable and not have to worry. I have always my whole life lived pay check to pay check and frankly im tired of doing that. He doesn't want to be away from us, but I could care less if he got a job where he was out of town or something, just make enough money and keep that job, I cant seem to ever be away from him or the kids. no matter what. I just cant handle it anymore....I don't even know where to begin or end on whats going on with me and feeling like this, and when I think about having to just deal, and go on with my life like this...... I wanna cry..... I want to live my life in happiness and where I feel like im being myself, instead of faking my everyday life and just pretending to love it. doe that make sense?


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## freedomluv (Jan 19, 2017)

Arbitator; I have, every time he says that I just tell him to stop asking and just see what happens, why do we have to plan it or talk about it. just do it...... should I approach it differently, ?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

freedomluv said:


> I have been married to my husband for going on 4 years and been together total of 5, we have 2 children, one from a previous relationship and our 2 year old. He is an amazing man and father and husband, I really couldn't ask for a better man, he loves me unconditionally and literally worships ground I walk on. He has to be my soul mate, I have thought this the whole time we have been together until just a few weeks ago. He didn't do anything wrong, and I know its just me, but I was a stay at home mom for the longest time, I haven't worked in a while.. and it was getting stressful and even just couldn't and didn't want to deal with my children anymore (I know im terrible, but lets face it, motherhood isn't what its all cracked up to be) so I had to get out, and then of course my husband goes to lose the best job in town..talk about stress.... but once I came to work I just realized that I miss doing what I want and going wherever I want and just not being nagged at all day. all I did before was cook and clean and take care of kids and husband. I mean basically all my husband had to do was go to work and wash his own a** so,.... yeah... I dream a lot of traveling and being alone. I long to be alone, in the peace and quiet. this he knows, I had already explained that I just wanted to run away and go be on a beach by myself, he thought that meant I wanted to leave him but it doesn't I basically just want to get away from the kids. as sad and mean as that sounds. I just have a strong urge to be selfish. enjoy my one life. I feel so tied down, I feel as if Im falling out of love with my husband, I think I do still love him but when he wants to look deep into my eyes (which he does a lot) I want to look away, and not just hold it there. it makes me feel awkward. and we have a good sex life, but he doesn't excite me anymore, he always has to ask "are we gonna do it tonight"? why do you need to ask, just throw me up against the wall and lay it on me, don't talk about it. It is aggravating. and Im afraid to say anything bc I don't want him thinking I don't like his sex, its just dang.... I wanna have some excitement. Its gone and I want it back. Will I get over this feeling or am I the only one, I feel like everything has changed and im not even sure why. please help.


Your wonder lust if you follow it is not going to lead you to happiness. Because happiness comes from inside. I think people get the idea maybe from the zeitgeist of today "you deserve to be happy". No you don't there are plenty of times in ones life where they are not. That is life and it is normal. Everyone has thoughts like this. I suggest you work with your husband to get you some alone time. That will take some of the stress off. Use your husband as your partner, and if he helps you, if you are healthy emotionally this will bring you closer together. Sounds like at least one of the kids isn't even his so you are stuck with that one anyway. 

As far as the sex, why not you initiate it. You take you both out of the comfort zone. Some guy here talked about his wife texting him a video "enjoying herself", he basically became obsess with it. You want your husband to burn for you and throw you against the wall. Make him feel it. Sex and love is a two way street someone has to start the path though. You want to feel sex, be sexy for him, I bet you will fell sexy. 

Today is the day to decide are you going to accept your responsibilities and ask you husband to help you so you can have some me time or are you going to blow up everyone's lives, including yourself.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

freedomluv said:


> Arbitator; I have, every time he says that I just tell him to stop asking and just see what happens, why do we have to plan it or talk about it. just do it...... should I approach it differently, ?


Yes, I think so. You should tell him that its not so sexy when he says it that way..... tell him to "hit on you", to just take you sometimes, to do what he'd do if you were dating. 

But you have to be invested too. You have to flirt with him, sext maybe, appreciate his efforts, etc.... 

And ya, sometimes life gets stupid. Then you have to figure it out. You can improve your marriage, and improve your sex life, and you can improve your outlook. Actually, it is on YOU to improve your outlook. Make some changes. Figure out little things that you CAN do to change things more to your liking, or at least to a comfortable level. 

Hire a school kid to clean house....or one to watch the kids. Institute a mandatory Date Night....not like, we'll try it maybe every other month. Nah, make it every Saturday night! You have to make things happen!!! 

Find (or rediscover) a hobby. Either one just for you, or one for you and H. Or both. Doing something you love can make a humongous difference in your general well being. Feeds the soul-ya know? 

And the kids..... well, they will chill out when mommy does. Maybe they feel the unhappiness. Take care of yourself, so that you can take care of them. When your life just feels better, you may not feel so bothered by them. 

I had 5 kids in 6 years (wth was I thinking!!!)..... and I used to stay up late just so I could paint. Or read. Or watch a whole freakin movie! LOL 

It gets better. Really.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

freedomluv said:


> Hello, I know I made the decision to have children and love them dearly, but the constant screaming and needy I just cant handle. I never get one minute to myself when Im home and my husband tries to help, but she will only deal with me, of course when Im at work he has the baby, but he still will constantly call me when shes been screaming for an hour, and Im not sure what he wants me to do. handle it... like I always do. so even when Im not there he always makes it well known how much she is crying and screaming and how he already( only been out of work a week or so) is getting aggravated with her. This aggravates me....I still keep the house clean and do laundry and what not even tho Im working, I guess dealing with the baby he cant juggle both. He wont be out of work long no, but it just puts so much stress on me, with not having much money and him already borrowing from parents. I cant stand that, I want to be stable and not have to worry. I have always my whole life lived pay check to pay check and frankly im tired of doing that. He doesn't want to be away from us, but I could care less if he got a job where he was out of town or something, just make enough money and keep that job, I cant seem to ever be away from him or the kids. no matter what. I just cant handle it anymore....I don't even know where to begin or end on whats going on with me and feeling like this, and when I think about having to just deal, and go on with my life like this...... I wanna cry..... I want to live my life in happiness and where I feel like im being myself, instead of faking my everyday life and just pretending to love it. doe that make sense?


This is a short time of their growing, just because you don't like this part doesn't mean you won't like others. Soon they will be past this stage. Your husband needs to step it up though, when I was outsourced and out of work for about 6 months, I cleaned the house once a week. I didn't do it up to her exacting standards but even with the small stuff she need to be done a certain way, I still took about 90% of the work off her. Why is he not doing this? 

Part of the problem seems to be that you are not voicing your concerns or he is not listening. So many people whose spouse just leave wish that the knew there was a problem. The spouse that left is done because they have been silently building up resentments and not saying anything for years. If you want your marriage to survive you owe it to him and yourself to say these things. Look one day if you don't shape up I am going to be gone. 

"It hurts my feelings that you don't help me when I am raising your child. I thought we were a team! Husband you need to do more around the house. I can't do it all. You are supposed to be my teammate. I need this from you. Help me." 

That's the thing isn't it. You don't feel bonded because you don't feel like a team, you feel like you are carrying him. That is where the resentment comes from. 

You also have a right to have some alone time. But you see blogs by mom's all the time where they leave for the weekend and they turn their phone off. You know what, your husband will figure it out without you. They have been doing so from time in memorial. Part of this is you letting go. I am telling you lots of women do this! Your husband isn't and idiot, he will be able to deal with it. You call him a few times, but don't let him call you. He won't like it but it will be good for him anyway. It will give him a taste of what you go through. 

Just understand if you do go away. NO CHEATING or even flirting. Going away is not going away from your commitments, it's just going away from your responsibility for a little bit. 

You can survive this but you need to communicate and you need to get your husband to understand that things have to change our you are done. He is your husband, your provider, and part of that providing is giving you some me time so you can recharge. If he makes the effort I think you will start to see him with the love again. 

Send him on here and we will kick his ass. Again so many Men are shell shocked when their wives are just done. The mantra is why didn't she tell me. You are doing him a favor by giving him a chance. 

Now you cheat and we will kick your ass. >


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## freedomluv (Jan 19, 2017)

SunnyT said:


> Yes, I think so. You should tell him that its not so sexy when he says it that way..... tell him to "hit on you", to just take you sometimes, to do what he'd do if you were dating.
> 
> But you have to be invested too. You have to flirt with him, sext maybe, appreciate his efforts, etc....
> 
> ...


I know it will probably get better, the only problem is, is I would refuse to have someone come take care of my house, Im OCD and wouldn't trust many people cleaning my house, nor do I have the money to pay them to do so, hence my husband is without a job, I don't make near enough at my job for all that. My hobby, would be to travel. I have no desire really for anything else, I color and watch tv stay up late bc I want the alone time so bad I force myself to stay awake and watch adult shows. Date night would be nice if we had help,. but I don't have a sitter, my parents live here but refuse to watch my children for me, even if its for a break. his parents would love to watch them all the time but their in Ohio,. I know my mood affects my children, and I try to not let it show but I cant help it when the sound of the scream or whine makes me literally want to crawl in a hole somewhere. I literally want to just be alone. lol.. I know how bad that sounds, but Ive really tried, and I cant seem to shake the feeling,


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## freedomluv (Jan 19, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Your wonder lust if you follow it is not going to lead you to happiness. Because happiness comes from inside. I think people get the idea maybe from the zeitgeist of today "you deserve to be happy". No you don't there are plenty of times in ones life where they are not. That is life and it is normal. Everyone has thoughts like this. I suggest you work with your husband to get you some alone time. That will take some of the stress off. Use your husband as your partner, and if he helps you, if you are healthy emotionally this will bring you closer together. Sounds like at least one of the kids isn't even his so you are stuck with that one anyway.
> 
> As far as the sex, why not you initiate it. You take you both out of the comfort zone. Some guy here talked about his wife texting him a video "enjoying herself", he basically became obsess with it. You want your husband to burn for you and throw you against the wall. Make him feel it. Sex and love is a two way street someone has to start the path though. You want to feel sex, be sexy for him, I bet you will fell sexy.
> 
> Today is the day to decide are you going to accept your responsibilities and ask you husband to help you so you can have some me time or are you going to blow up everyone's lives, including yourself.


Oh believe me, I initiate it at all times, plus I NEVER turn down my husband, I sext him and everything, let him grope me whenever........ I even to fill you in, just the other night, I just all of a sudden got feeling good, and so I just rolled over and began doing things to my husband, he gets all ready to go, and so I go on to get on top (which this is another problem, I do that way to much, rarely does he sock it to me) and then he cant finish, and Im wondering why, It had only been few days since we did it last, and then he goes on to tell me,.. mind you the next night.... that he had helped himself out not once but twice that night, therefore making it difficult for him to finish... so answer me this, what man, whom gets sex all the time needs to "help himself out"? and twice? that day? only days later from doing it? personally Im tired of always being on top and gosh darnit, I just want him to do me, throw me around, get dirty.. I dunno.. Im just tired of feeling like I do it all.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

freedomluv said:


> Oh believe me, I initiate it at all times, plus I NEVER turn down my husband, I sext him and everything, let him grope me whenever........ I even to fill you in, just the other night, I just all of a sudden got feeling good, and so I just rolled over and began doing things to my husband, he gets all ready to go, and so I go on to get on top (which this is another problem, I do that way to much, rarely does he sock it to me) and then he cant finish, and Im wondering why, It had only been few days since we did it last, and then he goes on to tell me,.. mind you the next night.... that he had helped himself out not once but twice that night, therefore making it difficult for him to finish... so answer me this, what man, whom gets sex all the time needs to "help himself out"? and twice? that day? only days later from doing it? personally Im tired of always being on top and gosh darnit, I just want him to do me, throw me around, get dirty.. I dunno.. Im just tired of feeling like I do it all.


Your husband needs the come to Jesus moment. What's his porn use like. That could be part of the problem. You need to let you husband know that this stuff is starting to destroy your marriage.


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## freedomluv (Jan 19, 2017)

sokillme said:


> This is a short time of their growing, just because you don't like this part doesn't mean you won't like others. Soon they will be past this stage. Your husband needs to step it up though, when I was outsourced and out of work for about 6 months, I cleaned the house once a week. I didn't do it up to her exacting standards but even with the small stuff she need to be done a certain way, I still took about 90% of the work off her. Why is he not doing this?
> 
> Part of the problem seems to be that you are not voicing your concerns or he is not listening. So many people whose spouse just leave wish that the knew there was a problem. The spouse that left is done because they have been silently building up resentments and not saying anything for years. If you want your marriage to survive you owe it to him and yourself to say these things. Look one day if you don't shape up I am going to be gone.
> 
> ...


My husband was alone for 37 years, exploring all the united states.. had a fun filled traveling bachelor life. I have no idea why he doesn't do those things, maybe bc Im so OCD, but as long as Im not there witnessing how the cleaning is being done, then I don't care, coming home after working to a clean house would be wonderful.. even after ive basically cleaned everyday when I get home, home is semi trashed bc of him and kids being together. Im almost afraid to ask him for a mini vacation by myself, well, we don't have the money right now, and now our adult only trip to florida in march is probably already cancelled bc of the job loss. that drives me crazy and makes me upset bc I needed that, we needed that... and now nothing.. and if I wanna take one, no different,. don't have the funds..... he will get a trip to Chicago in feb, but his friend is willing to pay his way. (pays to be friends with milliionaires) (sometimes) so he will have a nice vaca, and then whenever we have the funds then maybe Ill get my vacation. ughh I don't want to keep him in the dark, but the man is so head over heels in love with me, I don't want to upset him with something.. I don't want him to think I don't want to be with him but I do want to be alone for some sort of time period. a vacation or something... work is helping... and the don't cheat on him thing... I wouldn't but its come across my mind just for simple fact I just want someone to (not to be forward, but were all adults here) bend me over and do the dang thing... that makes me feel sexy... and trust me when I tell you that Ive asked him on several occasions to smack that A** and the man doesn't know how.... its a baby tap..... like hes too afraid.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Ok.... but instead of just venting, start formulating a plan. 

Talk to your friends....FIND a babysitter. I get that you don't have money..... find someone who will trade babysitting for a few hours? 

PLAN a vacation. A family one.... maybe via Ohio, so your parents can keep the kids for a few days so you two can have grown up fun?
There's a study that said even planning a trip, or a future, is uplifting mentally. Besides, once H gets back to work and you can start catching up on bills and saving some money, a vacation could happen! 

And ya know....a LOT of moms get tired of their kids. When my kids were little, my fantasies weren't sexual, they were about PEACE & QUIET with no little people in sight. I admit, I dreamed of running away. Why do you think moms hide in the bathroom, eating a Twinkie while little babies cry outside the door? Cuz they need a few minutes. 

So figure out one or two things that you CAN do, instead of focusing on all the things you CAN'T do. 

Besides, what's the alternative? You really going to run away? Ditch the family, get a divorce, join the Peace Corp, see the world???? What is the alternative to living the life you have, and making improvements on it?


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## freedomluv (Jan 19, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Your husband needs the come to Jesus moment. What's his porn use like. That could be part of the problem. You need to let you husband know that this stuff is starting to destroy your marriage.


hahaha.. right, he doesn't watch porn not that I am aware. He basically acts like Im the hottest thing hes ever seen and doesn't look at other women that way....???


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## freedomluv (Jan 19, 2017)

SunnyT said:


> Ok.... but instead of just venting, start formulating a plan.
> 
> Talk to your friends....FIND a babysitter. I get that you don't have money..... find someone who will trade babysitting for a few hours?
> 
> ...


The more we plan our future the farther it seems. and when trying to talk about our future with no job, it doesn't make me feel good about the situation. 
finding a babysitter isn't so easy when my child have separation anxiety and I fear she will scream the whole time, hell she does with her own father what will stop her from doing it with them and then they don't want to keep her. Id rather have family do it but don't have anyone to do it. I don't want to go to Ohio for vacation haha, too cold and im not a city girl... I prefer a beach and we can plan one, if only I can keep it planned and go.. I don't usually hide in the bathroom bc she knows how to open the door and listening to screaming outside the door doesn't help anything, I fantasize about peace and quiet... believe me, that's why I would run away if I wouldn't look like satan when I did it. I really would. I want to be selfish for once. I have been taking care of everyone else so much that I forgot who I was and what I want. I don't know what I would do exactly, but I cant help but think of the things I cant do bc Im tied down with the kids and hubby, who wants to take a road trip with a toddler who literally screams the whole time? literally, I don't joke, and who wants to go somewhere where may be fun for kids, like a water park or Disney, just to listen to more than one kid cry and scream.? no way. My head needs peace and quiet and to be left alone. I know these stages of parenthood wont last forever, but I know that even when they do get better then at some point it will be bad again.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

33 Confessional Tweets From "Bad" Moms (Slide #1) - Parenthood

A little levity.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

freedomluv said:


> My husband was alone for 37 years, exploring all the united states.. had a fun filled traveling bachelor life. I have no idea why he doesn't do those things, maybe bc Im so OCD, but as long as Im not there witnessing how the cleaning is being done, then I don't care, coming home after working to a clean house would be wonderful.. even after ive basically cleaned everyday when I get home, home is semi trashed bc of him and kids being together. Im almost afraid to ask him for a mini vacation by myself, well, we don't have the money right now, and now our adult only trip to florida in march is probably already cancelled bc of the job loss. that drives me crazy and makes me upset bc I needed that, we needed that... and now nothing.. and if I wanna take one, no different,. don't have the funds..... he will get a trip to Chicago in feb, but his friend is willing to pay his way. (pays to be friends with milliionaires) (sometimes) so he will have a nice vaca, and then whenever we have the funds then maybe Ill get my vacation. ughh I don't want to keep him in the dark, but the man is so head over heels in love with me, I don't want to upset him with something.. I don't want him to think I don't want to be with him but I do want to be alone for some sort of time period. a vacation or something... work is helping... and the don't cheat on him thing... I wouldn't but its come across my mind just for simple fact I just want someone to (not to be forward, but were all adults here) bend me over and do the dang thing... that makes me feel sexy... and trust me when I tell you that Ive asked him on several occasions to smack that A** and the man doesn't know how.... its a baby tap..... like hes too afraid.


F'n tell him harder! As far as the other better he suffer a little now then he lose you. He is going to lose you. He needs the facts. By the way he is going to get a job, it just takes time.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

freedomluv said:


> .... I had already explained that I just wanted to run away and go be on a beach by myself, he thought that meant I wanted to leave him but it doesn't I basically just want to get away from the kids. as sad and mean as that sounds. I just have a strong urge to be selfish. enjoy my one life. I feel so tied down, I feel as if Im falling out of love with my husband, I think I do still love him but when he wants to look deep into my eyes (which he does a lot) I want to look away, and not just hold it there. it makes me feel awkward. and we have a good sex life, but he doesn't excite me anymore, he always has to ask "are we gonna do it tonight"? why do you need to ask, just throw me up against the wall and lay it on me, don't talk about it. It is aggravating. and Im afraid to say anything bc I don't want him thinking I don't like his sex, its just dang.... I wanna have some excitement. Its gone and I want it back. Will I get over this feeling or am I the only one, I feel like everything has changed and im not even sure why. please help.


This is eerily similar to how my first marriage went (minus the kids).

My ex wife also got bored, wanted changes, some excitement, had some regrets, etc. It's not at all uncommon. I didn't, and still don't, blame her. We were together almost 3x as long as you, not that that matters.

What I DO blame her for is not properly communicating these things to me. In retrospect, on my part, they were probably fairly obvious. But all the same - a little communication might have gone a long way.

Often when this sort of thing happens with one partner, they tend to wind up resenting the other for a whole host of reasons. One of them being their inability to read your mind  The longer my ex wife went feeling this way (without talking to me about it) the more she began to resent the fact that I was the same guy I was yesterday, and the day before, and so on. And eventually she viewed me as the same boring, never-changing guy I've always been. Which may have been true, but I liked myself. Without communication to get the ball rolling (and sadly lacking in the ability to read minds) she eventually grew tired of me, our life together, and generally had a hate on for me for the last little while.

In short, don't let it get to that point. YOU want the change, YOU need to be the catalyst for it, LONG before you start to resent or even hate your husband - who's technically done nothing wrong.

The eventuality of all of this, is that the one partner will almost certainly stray. Or at the very least, meet somebody who gets their blood flowing again, and use that as the catalyst to end the marriage. "I've met somebody else" is often how these scenarios go.

I have little doubt my ex wife espoused to any and all how boring I was, and that she needed to get out, needed some excitement, the marriage was going nowhere, etc etc etc. I also have little doubt that her new life has, or will, reach that point again. It's almost inevitable. Sometimes the grass is greener, sometimes it isn't. It almost always is at the start, however, so it's difficult to resist the temptation to blow it all up.

For the time being, the trick is to consciously not resent your husband for every little thing he does right now. That's more difficult than you think, but it can be done.

A great start would be to communicate to him, gently and without hurting his feelings, to stop asking for sex, and instead to just take you - which is what you want. I've been on both sides of this exact thing. I fell down that hole with my ex wife - I never 'took her', it just became a 'wanna have sex' kind of thing. Big mistake on my part, I see that now. Conversely, my current wife was doing this to me - until I spoke to her about it. As you well know, being asked to have sex does not imply an urgent need for it, for YOU. It turns it into a chore.

That would be where I would start with him. But be careful not to open the flood gates and make a dozen demands on him in a short period. Change takes time, so allow him the time to gradually ease into a new way of approaching things.

I believe you can do this, and be the catalyst for the changes you want in your marriage - but only if you truly want it (I think you do, otherwise you wouldn't be here) and only if you're willing to have some patience. My ex wife didn't. She decided life was boring, and it was my fault, her job's fault, everybody's fault but her own. The easiest way out is to scrap everything and start again. But taking the easy way out is for weak people, and causes a lot of pain to those that don't deserve it. My ex wife left a trail of destruction behind her, and not just to me. Your husband sounds like a good man, and is a parent to one of your kids. He deserves your patience and the chance to be the man he almost certainly wants to be in your eyes.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Been there, unfortunately. 

Having a small child - especially a high needs child - is just draining. It's normal to feel the way that you do. Dreaming of an escape. No one can easily deal with a small human who is crying and screaming all the time and who can never be left alone. 

It will pass. I know you don't see it now. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel when I was in it, either. 

As long as your child does not actually have any emotional or physical disorders that are causing her behavior (and if you suspect she does, please seek out support for her via your pediatrician)...part of this is something you are just going to have to ease up on a bit. 

You're burning yourself out and some of it is your own doing. So she's super attached to you and screams for everyone else. I remember going through that. My kids used to throw a fit that would make it seem like they were literally dying. You are going to have to grow a thicker skin to it and let your husband just deal with it. He's going to have to handle it on his own. Especially when you are at work. It's not like you can talk to a 2 year old on the phone to get them to calm down. You should tell him that when he's got the baby, it's all him. He needs to stop calling you for every little thing. It's gonna be hard. I remember when my kids were small and so clingy to me...my head was in a different world. Anyone telling me to let my kid cry, I felt a very strong urge to say fvck you to. Now that there's some distance from that time in my life I see it differently. I wish I had been a little tougher in those days. 

Similarly, he should cover for you once in awhile so you can get some time to yourself. Even if it's something small like going on a coffee break for 30 minutes or doing the grocery shopping alone without dragging the kids there with you. You deserve to have those breaks. Sounds like he's getting some by being able to travel. You don't need to beg him or cajole him. Hand him the kids and tell him you will be home at X time, then go. There's really no excuse why a dad cannot take care of his kids on his own for a few hours. 

As to the house cleaning... Your husband should be helping, but if you are truly OCD about it, that's on you not him. As long as he keeps things reasonably clean, you probably need to ease up on your standards a bit for the time being. He's also not used to being the stay at home parent so I'd give him a few weeks to get the hang of it instead of expecting perfection on day one. He doesn't have to do things exactly the way that you do.

The more that your kids are exposed to different ways of doing things (parenting and cleaning included), the more flexible they will become. My H does not parent the same way that I do, and we each come into it with our own set of strengths and weaknesses. I still think it benefits our kids to be exposed to equal amounts of time with each one of us in charge. 

The vacation thing: I know OH isn't romantic or beautiful, but if his family is there and would be able to provide you with a few nights out alone, then I'd go. It doesn't have to be your *only* vacation of the year. It can give you something to look forward to.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

What you are saying is precisely why a wife being a SAHM is the worst idea ever. It puts undo strain or your marriage and on each other. My wife was a SAHM for long while and during that time the thought that there was only me to rely on for every financial need was at times overwhelming. It gave me high blood pressure and a whole host of physical problems. You don't know LUCKY you are you were shielded from the stresses of having to go to work everyday and to face a never ending pile of bills. Nope, to you all he has to do is go to work, occupy space for 8 hours and wash his ass. 

If you both worked neither of you would have the stress of paying all the bills, your childcare could be handed off to someone else you could pay, you would have a bulit in back up plan if either of you lost your job and that vacation wouldn't have to get cancelled...which is better.


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