# Almost no sex as of 2.5 yrs and I don't even want it



## anonimo (Feb 22, 2014)

I guess I should give some background, I think my husband and I are fundamentally different in regards to sex. I perceived this in the early stages of our relationship, but it didn't feel unbearable. I am a bit of a romantic, I like to make love, and he on the other hand, likes to have sex. For him it is a physical act, with the intention of getting off. For me it is an emotional exchange (not always, but at least sometimes).
In the past 10 years, things have progressively become more and more just sex from his side, and I have become less and less tolerant of this. He will literally ask if I want sex, (using more vulgar language) if I say yes, it is literally sex, then done-very little kissing, foreplay etc. I have started to say no. 
2.5 years later, we have 2 kids, and I am tired, and just want a little extra attention and affection. I have told him this, and he doesn't or can't give that to me. The result is that I have NO sex drive whatsoever, and feel guilty because we aren't having sex, but also don't want to at all.
We have a whole other slew of problems too, but I don't know how important this one is. I personally don't miss the sex much, I know he would really like to have sex, but accepts that we aren't right now, I had a pretty bad labor, lots of stitches, etc. But our newest arrival is now 5 months old, and we have had sex once!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

anonimo said:


> I like to make love, and he on the other hand, likes to have sex. For him it is a physical act, with the intention of getting off. For me it is an emotional exchange


You're a woman, he's a man. 

That's just how it is.

After sex, the women want to cuddle, and talk about love. The man wants the woman to turn into a pizza.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

lenzi said:


> You're a woman, he's a man.
> 
> That's just how it is.
> 
> After sex, the women want to cuddle, and talk about love. The man wants the woman to turn into a pizza.



Totally disagree with this. Plenty of men want to and do connect emotionally with sex, as evidenced by all the complaining here about duty sex. If men just want to get off why would duty sex bother them? We kiss and have lots of foreplay.

Now when we're done if he wants to roll over or get pizza and beer that's fine, because I feel cared for.

This guy just sounds plain selfish, or really detached.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Will he go to MC?

Your marriage needs the love, with all the other pushes and pulls on you and your family.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

To me foreplay is as exciting as the lovemaking. I love to cuddle afterwards. Due to menopause, cuddling with her is like cuddling with a flaming porcupine.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Is he even aware of what your needs are? You seem to be aware of his... if he has not met your needs and you have never told him your needs... then you are just as to blame. 

Tell him what you need. Give him time to apply it. If he remains the same, Then we can go from there.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I think that you have been to indulgent to his preferences. You need to stand up for your own needs. Personally I think men are a bit easier to change on this issue, sometimes they behave in a certain way because they do not think about it or know any better. 

Try to frame every thing you say in a positive way and try to change him over a longer period of time and not over night.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I have found female mood swings confusing .

PMS for 2 weeks where a woman is edgy and ready to stab you for breathing then suddenly wanting to cuddle , bond and generally be sweet is very confusing. I struggle with the lovey dovey stuff after being in the trenches.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Speaking only for myself, I too like some foreplay but not too much, cuddling, sensual massages, make the sex last, not quick pounding and done. I like to cuddle afterwards, warming up my wifee and with some talking. I could never just pound her, a few minutes later, good night. Just not me.

After my wifee and I took the 5 love languages quiz, compared and talked about it, this made a huge difference when it comes to our sex lives. Turns out I am physical rating 12 and she is acts of service rating 12. That is why she likes to always help and serve others, me sexually and I love anything physical and sex with her. We both understand now and posted the results on the fridge as a daily reminder.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

anonimo said:


> just want a little extra attention and affection.


Most sex starved men are not going to be very interested in giving you this. And lets be honest, most men in your husband's position are not going to feel that you deserve extra attention or affection if you're neglecting him.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, would you be willing to put some effort into sex for a while and see if that would bring out more attention and affection from your husband?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Most sex starved men are not going to be very interested in giving you this. And lets be honest, most men in your husband's position are not going to feel that you deserve extra attention or affection if you're neglecting him.



This is so true, its not even funny.

When my wifee could go 1 - 4 weeks of no sex for 14 years of our marriage, we always fought about little things, not close and weren't spending much time together, etc. She would always say, if you gave me more attention or did some more of this or that, I might be in the mood more......so I did and the sex didn't increase much if at all. So I stopped. Marriage is 50 / 50. Take care of your man's sexual physical needs and he will notice this and take care of your needs. Make excuses and don't take care of his sexual and physical needs, he eventually will stop taking care of yours. 50 / 50.

Having kids is a blessing and if they take too much of your time and you're exhausted, why did you have kids? Don't blame it on the kids because they are innocent. And you could do some internet research and find out ways to increase your energy and sex drive you know. Go to the Doctor? Exercise? Supplements or meds to get the hormones back to what they were before the kids?

Something to think about. When you got married, you love him, yes?

That means you are to take care of his needs as your own and then he will take care of your needs as his own.

If sex isn't that important to you and you can go without but you know your hubby wants sex, that isn't cool and leads to many issues, as you see in TAM.

Just because you have two beautiful kids, doesn't now mean you can kill the sex......


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## Tasty (Mar 3, 2014)

Your problem, really, is communication, not sex. You seem to know how to tell the rest of us your matter but lack the will to relate to the person that should know. 

Your marriage has entered a deadly zone called sexless marriage which could part you.

Tell him what you want when he wants what you have. Unfortunately you have lost the desire. Get it back.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

In that case, I am not a typical man. 
If the emotional connection is there then I want to cuddle up afterwards.

Yes we are very simple creatures...sex to us is about bonding, staking our claim on a female and ensuring the continuation of the species.
But we (well, most of us!) have brains so want the emotional connection.

I suspect that the majority of affairs start off with an emotional connection before it becomes physical...ie you get to know each other first so when you do have sex its at least making 'like' (as against 'love'!!)
An EA that becomes a PA is far more 'destructive' than a simple one night stand 'mistake'

To teh OP - try to get the emotional connection...if you can't and all your husband wants is a fcuk and a BJ and to hell with what YOU may want...I think you should start thinking about an exit strategy.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Let's do a marriage swap...my wife for you.

My wife doesn't want to do foreplay, be romantic, show passion, etc. Just 'lets have sex' and that's it. There is little touching, she is dressed from the waist up, and refuses to get off her back, ie, has to be missionary. When we do have sex, I feel like crap afterwards. 

I've had two talks to my wife about it in the past 9 months, serious talks where I explained my wants and needs. It mostly goes on deaf ears with little argument. Any other topic she would somehow turn the blame on me.

What feels even crappier is a few months ago I had a beautiful woman show blatant interest in me. Someone who is interesting and fascinating, who like things I like. But I couldn't pursue. If we ever cross paths again I can't make promises I won't make some sort of move....well, two moves. Leave one and pursue the other.


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