# Heartbroken



## Brokenbw

Hi, I'm new to the site, but have been reading alot of post. I am feeling lost and broken, so here is my story. Day 1 June 11th 2021 husband admitted to a EA that started in November of 2020 turned PA in May 2021. Said he would end it. Day 2 August 11th admitted it never ended and he had not given our marriage a chance, and agreed to go NC. Would lie to me about continued contact. Lots of emotional abuse, rewriting history, justifying the whole cheaters hand book. Told me he hasn't been happy for 5 years and the affair just happened. He is 48 I am 52, we have had a happy marriage and he has never shown or talked about being unhappy in our marriage. We have no kids, no debt and money to travel and do what we want. Day 3 December 2 2021. Said he tried to get his connection back with me but could not. He never tried and never broke contact with married AP. Packed 2 suitcase a d went straight to her house. AP had left her husband the first if August saying she needed space, and got her own place. They were in MC because if her 2 previous affairs. Got ahold of AP's husband and he had just found out about the affair the day after my husband moved In with her. This is the 3rd married man she has gone after and told her husband she loves my husband. What a joke...my husband also says he fell in love with her and these things happen. I am trying to go NC but I miss my husband and love him so much. I know totally pathetic, but we had a great life together before this happened our whole future planned out. He was my best friend. I am on a roller-coaster of emotions. I did go see a lawyer to have divorce papers drawn up and they will be ready the first week of the new year. But I keep wondering if that is the right or smart thing to do. A D will cost my hubby alot of money, si ce he makes 4 times as I was making. i have been unemployed since October 2, but was making good salary at my previous 20 plus years career. 
What am I doing? Do I file the divorce? Do I give it some time for him to snap the f.....out of it. Will he come to his senses? I have told him. He is throwing away 21 years together 18 years married a d a 28 year friendship for 4 to 5 percent cha ce with that lying POS. He is not acting like himself, he has completely changed...I know this is not who he is and has never been. He has started drinking g alot since the A came out, he was passi g out on The couch 4 nights a week. His dri ki g has gotten completely out of control over the last 6 months, and I know he is using booze to numb his guilt over what he is doing. He has completely changed. I am so lost. Is there any hope of him coming back to who he was before this affair?


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## Trident

The right thing. Yes. No. No.

Sorry for the end of year nightmare. 

Perhaps this really IS him. At least, now and going forward.

So what it will cost him a lot of money? If you play, you gotta pay. You didn't do this to him.


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## Brokenbw

Trident said:


> The right thing. Yes. No. No.
> 
> Sorry for the end of year nightmare.
> 
> Perhaps this really IS him. At least, now and going forward.
> 
> So what it will cost him a lot of money? If you play, you gotta pay. You didn't do this to him.


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## Erudite

No. I am sure AP husband would tell you the same thing. You are aware of the cheaters handbook. Now look at the wronged partners handbook. The one where you read guilt into his behavior as a sign that he is remorseful and lay much more of the burden onto the AP than him.


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## Brokenbw

I just feel like he is out of his frinking mind and doesn't see what he is losing to be with this *****.
But he has also done so much emotional damage, I have been trying to save our marriage but he just check out..cuz he is in love


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## Erudite

Brokenbw said:


> I just feel like he is out of his frinking mind and doesn't see what he is losing to be with this ***.
> But he has also done so much emotional damage, I have been trying to save our marriage but he just check out..cuz he is in love


Not what he is losing. What he already lost. Nothing is ever going to be the same. Even if he went nc immediately you would what? Forgive him? Pretend it never happened? Unlikely. It's unlikely, also, that he is in love but if he stays with you out of guilt he will never know and it will eat him alive. So then what?


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## Brokenbw

I know, I don't see how we could over come this. He has been living with her for 3 weeks now. When we do talk, it's like I am talking to an emotionless stranger. All of our friends and family are completely shocked that he has done this as it is completely out of Character for him. Nothing g I say to him get through to the man he used to be. I know I need to move forward with the divorce papers next week. But I miss the man he used to be and miss the life we had before he destroyed us. I have family near and friends but I still can't get through the day without having a totally meltdown. I hate what he has done to us...to me..


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## Erudite

Brokenbw said:


> I know, I don't see how we could over come this. He has been living with her for 3 weeks now. When we do talk, it's like I am talking to an emotionless stranger. All of our friends and family are completely shocked that he has done this as it is completely out of Character for him. Nothing g I say to him get through to the man he used to be. I know I need to move forward with the divorce papers next week. But I miss the man he used to be and miss the life we had before he destroyed us. I have family near and friends but I still can't get through the day without having a totally meltdown. I hate what he has done to us...to me..


As you should. It is ok to grieve. They won't last. Don't take him back.


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## Brokenbw

I just don't understand how anyone can do this to another person, let alone your spouse, best friend, love of your life. The pain is unbearable. It is the cruelest most inhumane thing to do to anyone. And to just walk away without even trying to end the affair and work on our marriage. He just nuked our whole life. And now to be so cold hearted to me when we talk, he won't even come back to our house to see me in person. All he says to me is I'm sorry, I never ment to hurt you. REALLY....you thought I'd be over joyed that you blew up our life for a serial cheater wh....


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## Casual Observer

Did something change in your lives over time, or can you look back and see warning signs from the beginning? Did he lose interest in intimacy, or was that not an issue?

I suspect he may come crawling back after he discovers this woman is a one-trick pony. She knows how to make men feel special and appreciated and sexual in a way that takes them back 20 or 30 years. The Chase and conquest. There are some men who can come to their senses and realize they’re not 22 anymore and that once she’s used everything in her bag of tricks, it’s time for her to move on to someone new.


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## Trident

Brokenbw said:


> Nothing g I say to him get through to the man he used to be.


You need to stop trying to convince him to come back to you.

It's weak, pathetic, and will destroy whatever is left of your self esteem.

Even more importantly, it's not going to work. He's living with his affair partner, he's supposedly in love with her and doesn't want anything to do with you.


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## Brokenbw

We have always been open and honest with each other, sharing dreams, enjoying life, same world views etc. Our sex life was in a slump bit still active weekly. Since we never could have kids we've always just decided to have fun with each other and enjoy a good life. His grandmother passed away last December, she was his rock and pretty muched raised him. His mother had him when she was 16 and the father abandoned him when he was 3 or 4 years old. His grandmother had a strong mind and was a strong lady, but her mind started going in the spring of 2019, she was 88 when she past I. December and had a great life, but I think when she started losing it, it effected him alot more than he let on. His only family he has left is his mother. My family loved him, my Dad treated him like a son, he was the favorite uncle, my 3 brothers my sister all lived and respected him. Everyone is shocked. Like he had some mental breakdown.


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## Prodigal

Brokenbw said:


> I just don't understand how anyone can do this to another person,


You don't understand it. You will probably never understand it. But your husband decided to destroy the marriage and destroy you in the process.

I'd suggest you get angry enough to see him for the self-serving man he has become. He's done. Let future communication go through your attorney. And a hard NO to him coming over to see you. This will solve nothing and will just prolong your pain.


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## Brokenbw

Casual Observer said:


> Did something change in your lives over time, or can you look back and see warning signs from the beginning? Did he lose interest in intimacy, or was that not an issue?
> 
> I suspect he may come crawling back after he discovers this woman is a one-trick pony. She knows how to make men feel special and appreciated and sexual in a way that takes them back 20 or 30 years. The Chase and conquest. There are some men who can come to their senses and realize they’re not 22 anymore and that once she’s used everything in her bag of tricks, it’s time for her to move on to someone new.


No there is really nothing in the past that would have pointed to this. Complete blindside, everyone is shocked at his behavior. We have always been happy, loving and committed until this b...h


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## Erudite

Yep, no contact. Even though he will try to contact you through family when his affair goes south.


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## Brokenbw

Prodigal said:


> You don't understand it. You will probably never understand it. But your husband decided to destroy the marriage and destroy you in the process.
> 
> I'd suggest you get angry enough to see him for the self-serving man he has become. He's done. Let future communication go through your attorney. And a hard NO to him coming over to see you. This will solve nothing and will just prolong your pain.


I do get angry, but then it's followed by complete and utter sadness..because I feel like he is lost,. I know that sounds pathetic, but I take my vows serious. He told me once over the last 6 months that he is lost and broken


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## Erudite

Brokenbw said:


> I do get angry, but then it's followed by complete and utter sadness..because I feel like he is lost,. I know that sounds pathetic, but I take my vows serious. He told me once over the last 6 months that he is lost and broken


So again, what if he is? You can't save him from himself? Your vows meant nothing to him. Certainly your commitment is void. And, again, he comes back and all is forgiven? Nope.


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## Brokenbw

Trident said:


> You need to stop trying to convince him to come back to you.
> 
> It's weak, pathetic, and will destroy whatever is left of your self esteem.
> 
> Even more importantly, it's not going to work. He's living with his affair partner, he's supposedly in love with her and doesn't want anything to do with you.


I don't want back the man he is right now... I want the loving caring man he was before this happened. The one that would never hurt me. I know that man is lost, and this will change him forever.


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## Trident

Brokenbw said:


> I don't want back the man he is right now... I want the loving caring man he was before this happened. The one that would never hurt me. I know that man is lost, and this will change him forever.


The affair didn't change him. That's who he IS. The man that DID hurt you in the ultimate act of deception and betrayal, coupled with a complete and utter lack of remorse.


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## Brokenbw

Erudite said:


> So again, what if he is? You can't save him from himself? Your vows meant nothing to him. Certainly your commitment is void. And, again, he comes back and all is forgiven? Nope.


It's hard to accept that the man he was is gone. And no I do t see how this would ever be forgiven. He burned his bridge when he went straight to her when he left me. But I still love him, probably always will, I don't know how to turn that off ,like he did.


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## Erudite

Brokenbw said:


> It's hard to accept that the man he was is gone. And no I do t see how this would ever be forgiven. He burned his bridge when he went straight to her when he left me. But I still love him, probably always will, I don't know how to turn that off ,like he did.


You don't turn it off. It stays with you. Eventually the shock will wear off. Grieve. Cry. Journal. Do what you gotta do but don't give him another chance. I can tell you want to. Don't. You would be setting yourself up for more trauma.


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## Luckylucky

He’s not lost or broken. He is in love with another woman. That is the truth. He has moved in with the woman he loves. All of this is certain, and sure, and true. He is not lost. 

The reality is, he is gone now, and in love with someone else.


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## Brokenbw

Erudite said:


> You don't turn it off. It stays with you. Eventually the shock will wear off. Grieve. Cry. Journal. Do what you gotta do but don't give him another chance. I can tell you want to. Don't. You would be setting yourself up for more trauma.


Yes, I do want to, my heart wants to, but my head tells me that it is not an option. Just so broken from the pain he has caused, confused because there was no lack of love between us. And angry because he destroyed all the good things we had, the future that was all laid out. The years of dreaming and making those dreams come true. To get to this point t that we worked our whole marriage together to get to , to just throw it away for some two bit s..t


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## Erudite

Brokenbw said:


> Yes, I do want to, my heart wants to, but my head tells me that it is not an option. Just so broken from the pain he has caused, confused because there was no lack of love between us. And angry because he destroyed all the good things we had, the future that was all laid out. The years of dreaming and making those dreams come true. To get to this point t that we worked our whole marriage together to get to , to just throw it away for some two bit s..t


I imagine her husband thinks the same about your ex. It's all about perspective. You need to take her out of the equation. She didn't lure him away from you. She didn't steal him. He left. He gave himself to her. It truly sucks. I am sorry.w


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## Brokenbw

Erudite said:


> I imagine her husband thinks the same about your ex. It's all about perspective. You need to take her out of the equation. She didn't lure him away from you. She didn't steal him. He left. He gave himself to her. It truly sucks. I am sorry.w


And that's why I can't forgive he kept going back over the last six months while I thought he was working g o n R all the while lying to me. I am sad for what has been lost and given away. I talk with her husband all the time. He is heartbroken too and filing for D soon. The lies and deceit is disgusting..why put anyone though that, why not just leave 6 months ago


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## Prodigal

Trident said:


> The affair didn't change him. That's who he IS.


^^QFT.^^ OP, let THIS sink in. Seriously.


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## Prodigal

Brokenbw said:


> The lies and deceit is disgusting..why put anyone though that, why not just leave 6 months ago?


Because your husband is a CAKE EATER.


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## Erudite

Brokenbw said:


> And that's why I can't forgive he kept going back over the last six months while I thought he was working g o n R all the while lying to me. I am sad for what has been lost and given away. I talk with her husband all the time. He is heartbroken too and filing for D soon. The lies and deceit is disgusting..why put anyone though that, why not just leave 6 months ago


Her ex has it worse than you in terms of denial. She has been cheating for months. Moved in with the OM. Why weren't divorce papers filed the next day? You haven't had to deal with this before so your reluctance is understandable. But her ex? He should have been done. And so their affair will end and she goes back to husband. He has taken her back before. He will do it again. And your ex will expect you to do the same. Don't allow it.


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## Brokenbw

Erudite said:


> Her ex has it worse than you in terms of denial. She has been cheating for months. Moved in with the OM. Why weren't divorce papers filed the next day? You haven't had to deal with this before so your reluctance is understandable. But her ex? He should have been done. And so their affair will end and she goes back to husband. He has taken her back before. He will do it again. And your ex will expect you to do the same. Don't allow it.


I am in denial, because this is wrong on so many f-ing levels. We had a great life, he f--ked it up. We, I worked hard for this life. We built it from nothing, together...now I'm supposed to watch some wh--- take over my life...


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## Luckylucky

What do the talks currently consist of, and what is the reason you are talking. Who is initiating the calls? For example, if you are the one calling or texting, does he always respond, and soon? Has he at any point asked you to stop calling? 

I would recommend that you stop any contact and just proceed with the divorce. You are in shock and heartbroken, and it’s completely normal that you are asking ‘why’, as well as hoping that it will all blow up. Totally normal!

What I would do, is start talking fact. And present reality. So tell yourself bond basic facts, devoid of emotion, without predicting the future. Not yours, not hers and not his. 

So at its basic: ‘He has fallen in live with someone else, these things happen. I am proceeding with a divorce which will be costly for him. I don’t feel good right now, I’m heartbroken and I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring and I have no idea how I will get through the next few weeks’. It doesn’t help you to be telling him she’s a cheater, she’s done it before, it’s not going to work out and he’ll be back. That does nothing for you to predict his future. You simply forget what his future holds. Because the hard reality is, that maybe it will work out, and it took her 3 affairs to find the one. And that he also found the one. This is the present reality, according to two people. It’s a horrible reality for you, but again, much more helpful to stay in fact-mode. 

I would also recommend not talking with the ex husband either, rather, see a therapist. You’re both in pain, and wanting answers, to know the future. But it’s served its purpose now. 

If your husband has been vague then I understand some logical things need sorting. (I notice in his account of things, I don’t see a mention of clearly wanting a divorce, telling you he was moving out, asking you not to contact him etc). So in those conversations where he was explicitly saying he can’t work on the marriage, he’s in love with her, he wants to live with her, was he saying he wanted a divorce? Were you hearing his wants and needs moving forward?


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## Erudite

So they are doing everything that you two were doing? Her family loves him like yours did? Please. I get the sense that you were the main driver in this relationship. You were the goal oriented planner. He took advantage of that. As prodigal says, he was a cake eater. You clearly have hopes, dreams, goals. Who the f needs him for those dreams to come true? If anything he is just going to hold you back now!


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## Divinely Favored

Deleted


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## Brokenbw

Luckylucky said:


> What do the talks currently consist of, and what is the reason you are talking. Who is initiating the calls? For example, if you are the one calling or texting, does he always respond, and soon? Has he at any point asked you to stop calling?
> 
> I would recommend that you stop any contact and just proceed with the divorce. You are in shock and heartbroken, and it’s completely normal that you are asking ‘why’, as well as hoping that it will all blow up. Totally normal!
> 
> What I would do, is start talking fact. And present reality. So tell yourself bond basic facts, devoid of emotion, without predicting the future. Not yours, not hers and not his.
> 
> So at its basic: ‘He has fallen in live with someone else, these things happen. I am proceeding with a divorce which will be costly for him. I don’t feel good right now, I’m heartbroken and I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring and I have no idea how I will get through the next few weeks’. It doesn’t help you to be telling him she’s a cheater, she’s done it before, it’s not going to work out and he’ll be back. That does nothing for you to predict his future. You simply forget what his future holds. Because the hard reality is, that maybe it will work out, and it took her 3 affairs to find the one. And that he also found the one. This is the present reality, according to two people. It’s a horrible reality for you, but again, much more helpful to stay in fact-mode.
> 
> I would also recommend not talking with the ex husband either, rather, see a therapist. You’re both in pain, and wanting answers, to know the future. But it’s served its purpose now.
> 
> If your husband has been vague then I understand some logical things need sorting. (I notice in his account of things, I don’t see a mention of clearly wanting a divorce, telling you he was moving out, asking you not to contact him etc). So in those conversations where he was explicitly saying he can’t work on the marriage, he’s in love with her, he wants to live with her, was he saying he wanted a divorce? Were you hearing his wants and needs moving forward?


I sm the one reaching out to him, he does not answer unless it is about Financials. When I ask him about us he says he does not know how we could come back from this, because it blew up in public as they were making g out in a bowling alley in front of everyone that knows us as a married couple..who does that.at 48 years old..and he would not be In it 100% and that it is not fair to me. Says he will always care about me but he fell in love with skank and these things just happen. That she is special and has shown him a new way of life.and she is a nice person(that cheats on her husband and goes for married men) and they have witty banter...I am gagging just typing that... He has not spoken to a lawyer and has not said divorce. When I asked why he said he was just trying to get through the holidays. He was going to get his own place but they decided that it did not make sense for him to do that. The first week he was gone he would text me to see how I was doing and say he was sorry for hurting me and that he didn't mean for it to be like this..Not sure how he thought it would be When he was telling me 3 hours before leaving that he loved me.. I asked him numerous times in the first week if we were getting a divorce and he would say, I don't know or I can't make that dissicion now right now. 
He does not know that I am filing the divorce papers or that I have a court date already for January 27th. Lawyer told me to transfer half our money into my account which I am going to do before I go sign the papers In 2 weeks. I will go through with the divorce, I see no other option. I text him picture of our cats,yesterday, that he loved, and said merry Xmas I love you. I know stupid...pathetic...he never responded. I seem to go like 2 or 3 days with NC and then I break down and text or try to call him. I am just having g a hard time with all of it.. how he threw us away, how he shows no remorse, how he just abandoned me. I'm not perfect but I was a darn good wife. 
He came to the house yesterday, when I was gone, and got his clothes that I had in garbage bags in the garage and his precious beer...and text me " if you ever lock me out of my house again I'm calling the cops" I replied back that he told me he had a key.


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## Openminded

You want answers but it doesn’t benefit him to explain — assuming he even is capable of knowing why he did what he did. Most people who cheat do so because the opportunity is there and they take it. Nothing more. Not many men end their marriages over it but apparently he’s chosen that path. Accept that you never knew him as well as you thought you did and start preparing to move on. You’ll stop feeling so pathetic once you take control of your life back.


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## Brokenbw

Openminded said:


> You want answers but it doesn’t benefit him to explain — assuming he even is capable of knowing why he did what he did. Most people who cheat do so because the opportunity is there and they take it. Nothing more. Not many men end their marriages over it but apparently he’s chosen that path. Accept that you never knew him as well as you thought you did and start preparing to move on. You’ll stop feeling so pathetic once you take control of your life back.


I have read that not many men end there marriages over a affair. That's why it was such a shock that he went straight to her house from ours.
And I thought he had ended it back in August and was just having a hard time coming to terms with what he had done. He was going to counseling, I thought that was helping. I never thought he would give up the life we have worked so hard for...


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## frusdil

Brokenbw said:


> A D will cost my hubby alot of money


Who cares? Actions have consequences. He chose this when he broke the marital contract. Take him for everything you can. There needs to be heavy consequences for breaking a marriage. I'd say the same thing to him were the situation reversed.



Brokenbw said:


> He does not know that I am filing the divorce papers or that I have a court date already for January 27th. *Lawyer told me to transfer half our money into my account which I am going to do before I go sign the papers In 2 weeks*.


You need to do this NOW OP. Immediately. Don't wait.



Brokenbw said:


> I have read that not many men end there marriages over a affair. That's why it was such a shock that he went straight to her house from ours.
> And I thought he had ended it back in August and was just having a hard time coming to terms with what he had done. He was going to counseling, I thought that was helping. I never thought he would give up the life we have worked so hard for...


Why would you want to stay with someone who could betray you like this? You're in the fog of it all right now, and can't see clearly. Of course you still love him, that's normal, but it doesn't change what he did. 3 months from now things will look very different. I can't wait to read that it all got too real for him and his posow, and they imploded. Ha.


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## Luckylucky

I agree that you should listen to your lawyer, and not feel guilty or ashamed for being treated fairly in the courts. As the above poster said, the law is the law. And most of us understand that the laws are there to protect us, and that there are legally binding contracts that have consequences. 

You’re not pathetic, don’t contact him. Put some plans into place to stop sending pictures of what you once had. Please stop pleading to him, begging making contact. I know it’s hard, but have you seen a therapist for tips moving forward? What has the lawyer suggested re contact?


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## Brokenbw

frusdil said:


> Who cares? Actions have consequences. He chose this when he broke the marital contract. Take him for everything you can. There needs to be heavy consequences for breaking a marriage. I'd say the same thing to him were the situation reversed.
> 
> 
> 
> You need to do this NOW OP. Immediately. Don't wait.
> 
> 
> 
> Why would you want to stay with someone who could betray you like this? You're in the fog of it all right now, and can't see clearly. Of course you still love him, that's normal, but it doesn't change what he did. 3 months from now things will look very different. I can't wait to read that it all got too real for him and his posow, and they imploded. Ha.


Thank you... He has a big bonus check he will be depositing this coming week..like 15k.. I was waiting for him to do that first. He doesn't have online access to the account t and only sees the balance once a month. So I am checking it daily waiting for that deposit. 
They are going to implode!! They will both be hit withD papers around the same time..bye bye fantasy world, hello nightmare...reality is gonna come crashing down on both of them and there happy little world. They are already being crucified in public, for what they did. Hubby said he will only have to pay alimony for 4 years...my lawyer laughed at that when I told him. 
I just have to control my emotions and the loneliness and sadness I feel. That's what gets me, I miss the old us, not the monster he was over the last 6 months..I keep writing down all the hateful sh t that he spewed out since this sh t show started. 
I know when he crashes he is going to come crawling back, which will be hard for me, but I have to keep going g over what he has do e and what he has shown me. Pure evil cruelty..


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## Prodigal

Brokenbw said:


> I have read that not many men end there marriages over a affair.


Obviously, your husband has proven what you read to be wrong. Why are you pain shopping? Do you have any type of support system - friends? family? 

I get that you are shocked and dismayed. But stop with the contact. You have no reason to contact him other than to prolong your pain. Look, here's the thing: I have to figure out why I do the things I do. I certainly don't have the ability to figure out other people. Nor do you. Please stop trying to figure out why he did what he did. HE'S A CAKE EATER. HE DEVOLVED INTO A SLIME. Okay?

You need a good support system like yesterday. Whatever it takes, just don't contact him. Get angry. REMAIN angry. Use that righteous anger to propel you through this. I assure you, in time you will have clarity and you will move beyond this. I did it. You can too.


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## Brokenbw

Luckylucky said:


> I agree that you should listen to your lawyer, and not feel guilty or ashamed for being treated fairly in the courts. As the above poster said, the law is the law. And most of us understand that the laws are there to protect us, and that there are legally binding contracts that have consequences.
> 
> You’re not pathetic, don’t contact him. Put some plans into place to stop sending pictures of what you once had. Please stop pleading to him, begging making contact. I know it’s hard, but have you seen a therapist for tips moving forward? What has the lawyer suggested re contact?


I have been in counseling since July, had a appointment last Monday but it was canceled by counselor, and he is on vacation this coming week. My counselor was blown away by all of this I have had 2 sessions with him since hubby flew the coop. But yes that's what I wanted to talk with the counselor about..moving forward.. I went to doctor also to get something for panic attacks and anxiety, and got checked for STDs... no STDs but a bacterial infection that can be caused from multiple partners. My sweet hubby said it wasn't from him....tool...I haven't had any issues with bacterial infections in my whole life.


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## Brokenbw

Prodigal said:


> Obviously, your husband has proven what you read to be wrong. Why are you pain shopping? Do you have any type of support system - friends? family?
> 
> I get that you are shocked and dismayed. But stop with the contact. You have no reason to contact him other than to prolong your pain. Look, here's the thing: I have to figure out why I do the things I do. I certainly don't have the ability to figure out other people. Nor do you. Please stop trying to figure out why he did what he did. HE'S A CAKE EATER. HE DEVOLVED INTO A SLIME. Okay?
> 
> You need a good support system like yesterday. Whatever it takes, just don't contact him. Get angry. REMAIN angry. Use that righteous anger to propel you through this. I assure you, in time you will have clarity and you will move beyond this. I did it. You can too.


Yes, My family has been great and I have 2 close friends that I call when I'm feeling sad and they help me get angry..My babysister has been my rockstar, just wish she was closer.. she is out of state..plus all of our mutual friends have reached out to me to help with house stuff or just to hear me vent. Our God daughters parents are our closest friends and were friends with him for 30 plus years, they want nothing to do with him now.... I spent 6 months trying to fix us so this **** wouldn't happen.. he may have is whr, but he is going to lose alot of friends and money.. 
I came on this site to talk to others who have lived through this, because even though I have a support system, none of them have been through this. They all agree with the D being the only answer, but then when I am home alone e I start to hope it could be a different ending.


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## Cynthia

I'm sorry you're here under such painful circumstances. 

Sounds like you have no plan to go easy on him, which is good. He is in no frame of mind to make good decisions and will not make good use of any assets that you relinquish to him. Take all of your fair share. You are smart to transfer the money as soon as it hits the account.

As far as locking him out of the house, did you change the locks? Him threatening you is a bad sign.

Stop contacting him. I know it's hard. Find ways to distract yourself. 

Divorcing him and getting a fair settlement isn't going to hurt your chances of him coming to his senses. Following through on the divorce will put you in a stronger position. 

Stop talking to the other woman's husband. Distance yourself from that drama as much as possible. It keeps you stuck thinking about, talking about, dwelling on not only your pain, but his as well. Journaling may be the outlet you need. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Brokenbw

Cynthia said:


> I'm sorry you're here under such painful circumstances.
> 
> Sounds like you have no plan to go easy on him, which is good. He is in no frame of mind to make good decisions and will not make good use of any assets that you relinquish to him. Take all of your fair share. You are smart to transfer the money as soon as it hits the account.
> 
> As far as locking him out of the house, did you change the locks? Him threatening you is a bad sign.
> 
> Stop contacting him. I know it's hard. Find ways to distract yourself.
> 
> Divorcing him and getting a fair settlement isn't going to hurt your chances of him coming to his senses. Following through on the divorce will put you in a stronger position.
> 
> Stop talking to the other woman's husband. Distance yourself from that drama as much as possible. It keeps you stuck thinking about, talking about, dwelling on not only your pain, but his as well. Journaling may be the outlet you need.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


No I have not changed the locks, he has a garage door opener but I locked the doors to get in the house, he said he had a key. I know his mom has one he must have had to go get it from her. Was at my brother's house eating Christmas dinner when he text me, my brother text him and said to leave me alone or they were goi g to have words. Didn't know my brother did that, so I text him back about him having a key so I didn't know why he was so pissed off. He texted me back and said he was done talking to me for the day because my brother threatened him...poor baby..
I know I have to go through with the divorce, I have been his door mat for the last 6 months, and I am sick of him taking g me for granted..just shocking how a once living caring moral person can turn into such a POS within one year...


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## frusdil

Brokenbw said:


> *Thank you... He has a big bonus check he will be depositing this coming week..like 15k.. I was waiting for him to do that first. He doesn't have online access to the account t and only sees the balance once a month. So I am checking it daily waiting for that deposit. *
> They are going to implode!! They will both be hit withD papers around the same time..bye bye fantasy world, hello nightmare...reality is gonna come crashing down on both of them and there happy little world. They are already being crucified in public, for what they did. Hubby said he will only have to pay alimony for 4 years...my lawyer laughed at that when I told him.
> I just have to control my emotions and the loneliness and sadness I feel. That's what gets me, I miss the old us, not the monster he was over the last 6 months..I keep writing down all the hateful sh t that he spewed out since this sh t show started.
> I know when he crashes he is going to come crawling back, which will be hard for me, but I have to keep going g over what he has do e and what he has shown me. Pure evil cruelty..


Ah smart lady. I like it!!

I'm not normally one to say what I said about taking him for all you can get, but in the case of infidelity I absolutely bloody mean it - and would say the same to a husband who's wife cheated. There should be consequences for breaking a marriage that way. BIG ones.

He thinks hes getting good screws now. Phwoar, wait until he gets really ****ed by you! You go girl!


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## Spoons027

Let him learn the consequences on his own. Ironically, the more you try to convince him of what you had, the more it'll only drive him to keep pretending it's not true. Because they can't face their guilty consciences.

I know it's hard now, but no contact is important. If you keep talking to him about anything besides the divorce or financials, you'll keep setting yourself back. Listen to your lawyer.

Your eyes are open now. There's no going back.



> but then when I am home alone e I start to hope it could be a different ending.


Then think about what that ending would consist of. Would you want to stay in a relationship where you're emotionally competing with another woman for your own husband? Would you want to stay with someone who openly admits being in love with someone else? Do you think you could keep up with being the kind of woman your husband wants just so he won't cheat?

He blew up the life you shared together, but your life is still yours. You're fresh out but have a good head on your shoulders. Don't let him and his light switch feelings destroy that. He's already threatening you with the cops and fence-sitting about divorce. Someone was right when they said he's a cake-eater.

It's time to put focus and care back on yourself. The people who truly care about you don't leave like he did.


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## Mr.Married

Vindictive spite and vile spewing may seem like the right thing but it only serves to hurt you. The big case you are trying to build about what he will lose is the view from your own eyes ... not his. If he is willing to carry forward with this other woman then obviously he thinks she is the win. This big pile of reasons you think you have doesn’t have any influence over him. In his eyes he probably believes getting out from all of that ... taste like freedom. The best thing you can do going forward is put that all aside... it’s strictly a business deal going forward. Lastly.... and importantly.... stop contacting him directly. You are only putting yourself in a worse position.


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## notmyjamie

I'm so sorry you have to be here but glad you found the site. It sounds like he's pretty deep into his delusions of a wonderful life with this woman. He will learn he's just another guy to pay her bills while she does out and has her fun behind his back. Your infection proves he's already not the only man she's having fun with right now. He's just too blind to see it. 

I agree with others here...you need to stop contacting him. He's about to get nasty. His threats about calling the cops on you proves that. Once he realizes things aren't going to go as his delusions tell him, he will get angry and take it out on you. He wants to dump all his responsibilities and move on to his new wonderful life and he'll get very angry at you for screwing that up once he realizes he's going to have to split his retirement funds, pay alimony, give up his house, etc. He's got this woman telling him what he should do and she is going to want him to dump you and leave you with nothing so that there is more there for her. 

STOP texting him. When you want to tell him your feelings, write them down in a notebook but do not send him a text. Get it out and down but not for him to read. Please. The man you married is gone, he's been replaced by this POS and sadly, there is nothing you can do about that. Think of it as a death...when someone dies we have to grieve and we can't text the person who died. Well, the husband you knew is "dead" in a sense and so you can't text him anymore. 

_hugs_


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## Blondilocks

Is he going to provide you with a key to his residence? Fair is fair. Ask for exclusive use of the residence. It is dangerous for a non-resident to bounce in and out as it could get them killed if they surprise the resident. Tell him to have his mail changed to his new address. Don't do any of that until he deposits that bonus, though.


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## Diana7

Brokenbw said:


> I sm the one reaching out to him, he does not answer unless it is about Financials. When I ask him about us he says he does not know how we could come back from this, because it blew up in public as they were making g out in a bowling alley in front of everyone that knows us as a married couple..who does that.at 48 years old..and he would not be In it 100% and that it is not fair to me. Says he will always care about me but he fell in love with skank and these things just happen. That she is special and has shown him a new way of life.and she is a nice person(that cheats on her husband and goes for married men) and they have witty banter...I am gagging just typing that... He has not spoken to a lawyer and has not said divorce. When I asked why he said he was just trying to get through the holidays. He was going to get his own place but they decided that it did not make sense for him to do that. The first week he was gone he would text me to see how I was doing and say he was sorry for hurting me and that he didn't mean for it to be like this..Not sure how he thought it would be When he was telling me 3 hours before leaving that he loved me.. I asked him numerous times in the first week if we were getting a divorce and he would say, I don't know or I can't make that dissicion now right now.
> He does not know that I am filing the divorce papers or that I have a court date already for January 27th. Lawyer told me to transfer half our money into my account which I am going to do before I go sign the papers In 2 weeks. I will go through with the divorce, I see no other option. I text him picture of our cats,yesterday, that he loved, and said merry Xmas I love you. I know stupid...pathetic...he never responded. I seem to go like 2 or 3 days with NC and then I break down and text or try to call him. I am just having g a hard time with all of it.. how he threw us away, how he shows no remorse, how he just abandoned me. I'm not perfect but I was a darn good wife.
> He came to the house yesterday, when I was gone, and got his clothes that I had in garbage bags in the garage and his precious beer...and text me " if you ever lock me out of my house again I'm calling the cops" I replied back that he told me he had a key.


So he leaves you for another woman and then send you a disgusting message about calling the police??? What a horrible man. I would get the locks changed. How dare he think he can just waltz in to the house whenever he wants. How dare he say he loves you and then treat you like dirt. Then he is miffed that your brother got a bit angry with him. 😲
I am angry on your behalf. 

Please don't contact him and don't reply if he contacts you. Move that money asap and make sure any future income is paid into your separate account. 

I honestly think he is stringing you along in case it doesn't work out. That's why it's good you are divorcing him as he would keep you in limbo. He is with a serial cheater who will cheat on him one day for sure.


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## Talker67

there is nothing stopping you from filing now, and as the process progresses over many months, then reconciling if he DOES come to his senses.

Now that they are both living together, the rosy colored glasses have come off, and they will see what each other are like 24/7. Also, the amount of love chemicals/hormones the body is pumping into them will certainly start to wane over the next 3 months or so.

Maybe he will wake up and say "what have i done?"

the question is, would you take him back 3 months from now?


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## Brokenbw

Spoons027 said:


> Let him learn the consequences on his own. Ironically, the more you try to convince him of what you had, the more it'll only drive him to keep pretending it's not true. Because they can't face their guilty consciences.
> 
> I know it's hard now, but no contact is important. If you keep talking to him about anything besides the divorce or financials, you'll keep setting yourself back. Listen to your lawyer.
> 
> Your eyes are open now. There's no going back.
> 
> 
> 
> Then think about what that ending would consist of. Would you want to stay in a relationship where you're emotionally competing with another woman for your own husband? Would you want to stay with someone who openly admits being in love with someone else? Do you think you could keep up with being the kind of woman your husband wants just so he won't cheat?
> 
> He blew up the life you shared together, but your life is still yours. You're fresh out but have a good head on your shoulders. Don't let him and his light switch feelings destroy that. He's already threatening you with the cops and fence-sitting about divorce. Someone was right when they said he's a cake-eater.
> 
> It's time to put focus and care back on yourself. The people who truly care about you don't leave like he did.


Your right, I have 
Been competing for him for the last six months, I am done doing that. Our life together is disposable to him, and his love not strong enough to fight for us. I can not continue to fight alone for us. I think, hindsight being 20 20, that deep down I knew he never cut contact, he was treating me like garbage with his drinking and verbal abuse. Just didn't want to believe that he turned into a monster.


----------



## Brokenbw

notmyjamie said:


> I'm so sorry you have to be here but glad you found the site. It sounds like he's pretty deep into his delusions of a wonderful life with this woman. He will learn he's just another guy to pay her bills while she does out and has her fun behind his back. Your infection proves he's already not the only man she's having fun with right now. He's just too blind to see it.
> 
> I agree with others here...you need to stop contacting him. He's about to get nasty. His threats about calling the cops on you proves that. Once he realizes things aren't going to go as his delusions tell him, he will get angry and take it out on you. He wants to dump all his responsibilities and move on to his new wonderful life and he'll get very angry at you for screwing that up once he realizes he's going to have to split his retirement funds, pay alimony, give up his house, etc. He's got this woman telling him what he should do and she is going to want him to dump you and leave you with nothing so that there is more there for her.
> 
> STOP texting him. When you want to tell him your feelings, write them down in a notebook but do not send him a text. Get it out and down but not for him to read. Please. The man you married is gone, he's been replaced by this POS and sadly, there is nothing you can do about that. Think of it as a death...when someone dies we have to grieve and we can't text the person who died. Well, the husband you knew is "dead" in a sense and so you can't text him anymore.
> 
> _hugs_


Thank you, yes he is do far down the rabbit hole, it's like I am talking to the mad hatter. Friends have said it's like he has a split personality, which I have been seeing for the last 6 months. I am done trying to get through to him, it is too painful to talk to the a emotionless ahole he has become. Logic and common sense has not worked. I know at some point he might snap out of this when the D forces him back into reality, but he made sure that the damage he inflicted is not repairable.


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## Brokenbw

Talker67 said:


> there is nothing stopping you from filing now, and as the process progresses over many months, then reconciling if he DOES come to his senses.
> 
> Now that they are both living together, the rosy colored glasses have come off, and they will see what each other are like 24/7. Also, the amount of love chemicals/hormones the body is pumping into them will certainly start to wane over the next 3 months or so.
> 
> Maybe he will wake up and say "what have i done?"
> 
> the question is, would you take him back 3 months from now?


I don't know how I could take him back, he has shown me what he is capable of doing to me. I spent the last 6 months trying to bring g him back to reality, but he just kept going deeper into fantasy land. 
He went from living in our beautiful home, ingrown pool, finished basement with bar and theater area, a family that loved and respected him, to a tiny shthole of a house in a bad neighborhood. We would go on work trips, with the company he is with, ever year. All of those people loved us and respected him for the job he does. That is going to be all gone for him. He is completely clueless as to how this is going to affect ever aspect of his life.


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## Brokenbw

Thank you thank you thank you!!! This morning I woke up and read ever ones comments and advice. It's the first morning in the last 3 weeks that I woke up and did not feel like crying and reaching out to my POS Future ex. My head and heart have been at war with each other for so long that it has been hard to look at my situation clearly. I know that I still have a long journey, but knowing my support system just grew, gives me hope that rational sane caring people still exist. 
I can not change what he has done or how he feels, but I can take back my power and stand up for what I have worked for. He thinks I am going to sit here and wait for his fantasy to play out, we'll that isn't going to happen. I never looked at him and thought he was a weak man, but now I see him. He is weak, and our views on love and life don't match up anymore.
I need to stop focusing on what I am losing. I am a great catch, and deserve someone who sees that. Of course that is way way down the road.


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## Marc878

Brokenbw said:


> I am in denial, because this is wrong on so many f-ing levels. We had a great life, he f--ked it up. We, I worked hard for this life. We built it from nothing, together...now I'm supposed to watch some wh--- take over my life...


You lawyer up and take your fair share. He is your enemy. 
I’m sorry you’re here but you need to wake up and deal with this effectively. Don’t make this worse on yourself. 

Denial is a false comfort zone that won’t last. You are correct it’s not fair. But life sometimes isn’t.


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## Marc878

Brokenbw said:


> Your right, I have
> Been competing for him for the last six months, I am done doing that. Our life together is disposable to him, and his love not strong enough to fight for us. I can not continue to fight alone for us. I think, hindsight being 20 20, that deep down I knew he never cut contact, he was treating me like garbage with his drinking and verbal abuse. Just didn't want to believe that he turned into a monster.


Good for you. The infamous “pick me dance” is the worst thing you can do. If you have to fight for a marriage you don’t have anything worth fighting for. 

You can do this. You now have some very good resources available to you here. USE THEM!!!!


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## She'sStillGotIt

Honestly, OP.

Where the hell is your pride?

I'm actually humiliated FOR you.

Please, just stop embarrassing yourself acting like a stray dog desperate for a pat on the head, and find your damned dignity.


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## Brokenbw

Well, this has been an interesting morning. He texted me all pissed off because I ripped a couple of his shirts. Backed off after I told him what he did to us is far worse than a couple of replaceable shirts. Then he said he got a alert that our credit card bill was over 5000..oops..so I had to tell him it was for a lawyer and the papers will be filed next week. So he called me, didn't sound very happy about it on the phone. He asked why I filed already..really.. I told him that I did not want a divorce, that this is all his doing and this is what he wanted and choose when he moved out. I tried for 6 months to work on us without his help and this is the path he put us on. I gave him my lawyers contact information and told him he can call my lawyer with any questions. He had 2 grand sitting in our safe and asked what I did with it. Told him it was in my purse. He asked why I took it. I told him I didn't want to be left with no money as he is unpredictable and I have no idea what she is telling him to do. He said he will not take money out of our joint account because it is illegal and he is not going to break the law. I told him he already did, that our marriage is a legally binding document that he broke. And he is not the man he used to be. So a dose of reality just hit him in the face today, I'm sure he will just get wasted today to deal with it, just like he has been for the last 6 mo ths..


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## Spoons027

Brokenbw said:


> Well, this has been an interesting morning. He texted me all pissed off because I ripped a couple of his shirts. Backed off after I told him what he did to us is far worse than a couple of replaceable shirts. Then he said he got a alert that our credit card bill was over 5000..oops..so I had to tell him it was for a lawyer and the papers will be filed next week. So he called me, didn't sound very happy about it on the phone. He asked why I filed already..really.. I told him that I did not want a divorce, that this is all his doing and this is what he wanted and choose when he moved out. I tried for 6 months to work on us without his help and this is the path he put us on. I gave him my lawyers contact information and told him he can call my lawyer with any questions. He had 2 grand sitting in our safe and asked what I did with it. Told him it was in my purse. He asked why I took it. I told him I didn't want to be left with no money as he is unpredictable and I have no idea what she is telling him to do. He said he will not take money out of our joint account because it is illegal and he is not going to break the law. I told him he already did, that our marriage is a legally binding document that he broke. And he is not the man he used to be. So a dose of reality just hit him in the face today, I'm sure he will just get wasted today to deal with it, just like he has been for the last 6 mo ths..


That’s it now. He knows that you’ve filed. Now when he asks you anything else, refer him to your lawyer.

Don’t give away any more of your cards. No contact unless absolutely necessary.


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## Brokenbw

Spoons027 said:


> That’s it now. He knows that you’ve filed. Now when he asks you anything else, refer him to your lawyer.
> 
> Don’t give away any more of your cards. No contact unless absolutely necessary.


Yep, I am done talking to him. This is his doing g not mine. I will not be his pathetic door mat anymore. He can go live in his fantasy world with his fairy dust and unicorns. The rest of are living in the real world


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## Brokenbw

Just remembered, my counselor told me to write a letter to his counselor about his drinking and actions, which I did and dropped it off last week. Because I know he has not been truthful to his counselor. He has appointment today, that will be interesting.


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## Openminded

He wanted to try out life with her before he decided whether he wanted a divorce so he’s been in no hurry. You have been his Plan B, in case it doesn’t work out with her, but now you’ve surprised him — no more doormat — and he doesn’t like his dose of reality. Sad for him.😕


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## Brokenbw

Openminded said:


> He wanted to try out life with her before he decided whether he wanted a divorce so he’s been in no hurry. You have been his Plan B, in case it doesn’t work out with her, but now you’ve surprised him — no more doormat — and he doesn’t like his dose of reality. Sad for him.😕


Yes, he did not sound happy on the phone this morning. Said " I guess I have to get a lawyer to then" I said I don't know but her is my lawyers contact info. 
I think his is completely shocked, I think he thought I would just sit here and wait for him to tell me what was going on. Now he can sit with the reality of his actions and what it is really going to cost him emotionally and financially. I am not an option for him, he made his choice...


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## Cynthia

Someone recommended changing the locks. You cannot legally do that. He could call the police, but they wouldn't do much. He could call a locksmith and change the locks on you and the only thing you could do would be to get another locksmith, so you could get in. More drama.

When you locked the door, if he would have called the cops, they would have done nothing. You have a right to lock the door to your residence. If he doesn't have his key on him, that's on him. He would have made himself look like an idiot.

Please do not discuss any of this with him. If he asks or tries to engage, tell him that he can call your attorney and your attorney will handle everything for him as well. This is a ploy, which he will probably see through. Tell him if you both use this attorney that it will cost far less, but one way or another, you are not going to discuss any of this with him, he needs to call your attorney. Your attorney will handle everything and all he has to do is sign, so he can be free of you and the marriage and live happily ever after with his serial homewrecker fantasy woman. I am not suggesting you share the attorney who will represent you both. Your attorney will continue to only represent you, but your husband will pay half and have access to your attorney to get the divorce done. People fall for this all the time. Be nonchalant about it and don't get into any kind of conversation about it. If he takes the bait great. If not, you tried. lol


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## Diana7

Please stop engaging with him.


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## Brokenbw

Cynthia said:


> Someone recommended changing the locks. You cannot legally do that. He could call the police, but they wouldn't do much. He could call a locksmith and change the locks on you and the only thing you could do would be to get another locksmith, so you could get in. More drama.
> 
> When you locked the door, if he would have called the cops, they would have done nothing. You have a right to lock the door to your residence. If he doesn't have his key on him, that's on him. He would have made himself look like an idiot.
> 
> Please do not discuss any of this with him. If he asks or tries to engage, tell him that he can call your attorney and your attorney will handle everything for him as well. This is a ploy, which he will probably see through. Tell him if you both use this attorney that it will cost far less, but one way or another, you are not going to discuss any of this with him, he needs to call your attorney. Your attorney will handle everything and all he has to do is sign, so he can be free of you and the marriage and live happily ever after with his serial homewrecker fantasy woman. I am not suggesting you share the attorney who will represent you both. Your attorney will continue to only represent you, but your husband will pay half and have access to your attorney to get the divorce done. People fall for this all the time. Be nonchalant about it and don't get into any kind of conversation about it. If he takes the bait great. If not, you tried. lol


Yes that is exactly why I told him to call my attorney. At this point he is not thinking clearly and I think k he will take the bait. I told him we needed a lawyer to deal with our 401 KS so there were no penalties when transferring mo ey. He said okay you know more about this than I do....Insert evil laugh...information is power!!! Since his sweet AP is not getting a lawyer I have a feeling she will tell him he doesn't need to get one and just use mine. After all that's just more money for her in the end..lol 
And he already paid half as I took the money from the joint account. But he won't realize any of this..too upset about me ripping up his favorite shirt.


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## Talker67

Brokenbw said:


> Well, this has been an interesting morning. He texted me all pissed off because I ripped a couple of his shirts. Backed off after I told him what he did to us is far worse than a couple of replaceable shirts. Then he said he got a alert that our credit card bill was over 5000..oops..so I had to tell him it was for a lawyer and the papers will be filed next week. So he called me, didn't sound very happy about it on the phone. He asked why I filed already..really.. I told him that I did not want a divorce, that this is all his doing and this is what he wanted and choose when he moved out. I tried for 6 months to work on us without his help and this is the path he put us on. I gave him my lawyers contact information and told him he can call my lawyer with any questions. He had 2 grand sitting in our safe and asked what I did with it. Told him it was in my purse. He asked why I took it. I told him I didn't want to be left with no money as he is unpredictable and I have no idea what she is telling him to do. He said he will not take money out of our joint account because it is illegal and he is not going to break the law. I told him he already did, that our marriage is a legally binding document that he broke. And he is not the man he used to be. So a dose of reality just hit him in the face today, I'm sure he will just get wasted today to deal with it, just like he has been for the last 6 mo ths..


Wow!
It sounds like overnight, you have toughened up like an Amazon Warrior Queen entering battle!

I am impressed!

Carry on, you do not need us to tell you what to do. You are looking at it with clear eyes now.


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## Brokenbw

Talker67 said:


> Wow!
> It sounds like overnight, you have toughened up like an Amazon Warrior Queen entering battle!
> 
> I am impressed!
> 
> Carry on, you do not need us to tell you what to do. You are looking at it with clear eyes now.


I am glad I posted my situation in here, and got all of you wonderful people to comment and share your thoughts and advice with me. I feel like everyone's strengths are flowing through me, and helping face the unfacable. I am a talker and always feel like I have to disecte everything before I do it. I had to call my brother to talk about the credit card bill and what to tell the STBXH...Today was a good day, not great but better than the last 3 weeks for sure. I don't know how this is going to play out but that's ok.. I will definitely share what is happening with everyone, as I am sure that this is going to escalate soon, now that he knows I filed. Today was the first day I actually heard remorse in his voice. But I am sure his sweet new POSOW will talk him I to being the ahold his is...


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## Brokenbw

Brokenbw said:


> I am glad I posted my situation in here, and got all of you wonderful people to comment and share your thoughts and advice with me. I feel like everyone's strengths are flowing through me, and helping face the unfacable. I am a talker and always feel like I have to disecte everything before I do it. I had to call my brother to talk about the credit card bill and what to tell the STBXH...Today was a good day, not great but better than the last 3 weeks for sure. I don't know how this is going to play out but that's ok.. I will definitely share what is happening with everyone, as I am sure that this is going to escalate soon, now that he knows I filed. Today was the first day I actually heard remorse in his voice. But I am sure his sweet new POSOW will talk him into being the ahole his is. I know he doesn't want to face reality yet, but it's coming, whether he is drunk or not. I know he is just going to keep drinking his issues away. That's sexy...lol. good luck in fantasy land jacka..lol


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## Evinrude58

Brokenbw said:


> Hi, I'm new to the site, but have been reading alot of post. I am feeling lost and broken, so here is my story. Day 1 June 11th 2021 husband admitted to a EA that started in November of 2020 turned PA in May 2021. Said he would end it. Day 2 August 11th admitted it never ended and he had not given our marriage a chance, and agreed to go NC. Would lie to me about continued contact. Lots of emotional abuse, rewriting history, justifying the whole cheaters hand book. Told me he hasn't been happy for 5 years and the affair just happened. He is 48 I am 52, we have had a happy marriage and he has never shown or talked about being unhappy in our marriage. We have no kids, no debt and money to travel and do what we want. Day 3 December 2 2021. Said he tried to get his connection back with me but could not. He never tried and never broke contact with married AP. Packed 2 suitcase a d went straight to her house. AP had left her husband the first if August saying she needed space, and got her own place. They were in MC because if her 2 previous affairs. Got ahold of AP's husband and he had just found out about the affair the day after my husband moved In with her. This is the 3rd married man she has gone after and told her husband she loves my husband. What a joke...my husband also says he fell in love with her and these things happen. I am trying to go NC but I miss my husband and love him so much. I know totally pathetic, but we had a great life together before this happened our whole future planned out. He was my best friend. I am on a roller-coaster of emotions. I did go see a lawyer to have divorce papers drawn up and they will be ready the first week of the new year. But I keep wondering if that is the right or smart thing to do. A D will cost my hubby alot of money, si ce he makes 4 times as I was making. i have been unemployed since October 2, but was making good salary at my previous 20 plus years career.
> What am I doing? Do I file the divorce? Do I give it some time for him to snap the f.....out of it. Will he come to his senses? I have told him. He is throwing away 21 years together 18 years married a d a 28 year friendship for 4 to 5 percent cha ce with that lying POS. He is not acting like himself, he has completely changed...I know this is not who he is and has never been. He has started drinking g alot since the A came out, he was passi g out on The couch 4 nights a week. His dri ki g has gotten completely out of control over the last 6 months, and I know he is using booze to numb his guilt over what he is doing. He has completely changed. I am so lost. Is there any hope of him coming back to who he was before this affair?


Yes, there is. Divorce his sorry ass. In a few months when he’s done banging that skank he says he loves and it fizzles because it won’t be fantasy anymore, there’s about a 85% chance he will come crawling back like a slug.

by then hopefully you won’t want a disloyal alcoholic that placed more value on a serial cheater than a loyal good woman that loved him.

let him go. File for divorce.
Chasing someone just pushes then father away. Giving consequences breaks many a spell.


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## Beach123

If you would accept that this IS the real version of him - you’ll be ahead of the game.
He did this to you! He can’t take that back! He is obviously capable of completely betraying you! 
I know that same feeling. You need a great trauma therapist to help you! It’s tough to process. But you need to be thinking smart and protecting your future!

Get to a therapist ASAP. Go every week for a year! Do things to pamper yourself! Go on vacation alone or with a friend. Plan some things you’ll be able to look forward to. 

Do NOT take him back! He doesn’t deserve you! 

Mine was 28 years invested too! I never look backward. But the first few years I did some serious damage to myself from being so sad, mad, disappointed, and feeling betrayed. 
Just get to a great therapist. Try not to drink or eat too much. Be kind to yourself.


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## Brokenbw

Evinrude58 said:


> Yes, there is. Divorce his sorry ass. In a few months when he’s done banging that skank he says he loves and it fizzles because it won’t be fantasy anymore, there’s about a 85% chance he will come crawling back like a slug.
> 
> by then hopefully you won’t want a disloyal alcoholic that placed more value on a serial cheater than a loyal good woman that loved him.
> 
> let him go. File for divorce.
> Chasing someone just pushes then father away. Giving consequences breaks many a spell.


Thank you.. this is what I need to hear...he is a alcoholic.. he is weak, I know I deserve better I just have to get through this sh t show..I hate my life right now


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## Beach123

Brokenbw said:


> No I have not changed the locks, he has a garage door opener but I locked the doors to get in the house, he said he had a key. I know his mom has one he must have had to go get it from her. Was at my brother's house eating Christmas dinner when he text me, my brother text him and said to leave me alone or they were goi g to have words. Didn't know my brother did that, so I text him back about him having a key so I didn't know why he was so pissed off. He texted me back and said he was done talking to me for the day because my brother threatened him...poor baby..
> I know I have to go through with the divorce, I have been his door mat for the last 6 months, and I am sick of him taking g me for granted..just shocking how a once living caring moral person can turn into such a POS within one year...


Change those locks today! And the garage door opener can be reprogrammed by you. You just open the transmitter and redesign the little codes to a different pattern. The base needs to be coded the same as the transmitter so they communicate with each other. If needed - google it! It’s not hard!

Get a nest camera for your house. That way you can see in real time on your phone if anyone is near or inside the house and what they are doing.

Take anything of value out of the house! Place it in a family members house/safe! That way he can’t take valuables. That includes tax papers/deeds and titles to property and pink slips to cars etc.

Ask for MORE than what you want in your divorce papers - mainly because you are normally asked to start “compromising” when the time comes to settle.

Request a life insurance policy be kept by him - with you as the beneficiary. You’ll only get things if you request them - so start asking for more than you want!


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## Brokenbw

Beach123 said:


> If you would accept that this IS the real version of him - you’ll be ahead of the game.
> He did this to you! He can’t take that back! He is obviously capable of completely betraying you!
> I know that same feeling. You need a great trauma therapist to help you! It’s tough to process. But you need to be thinking smart and protecting your future!
> 
> Get to a therapist ASAP. Go every week for a year! Do things to pamper yourself! Go on vacation alone or with a friend. Plan some things you’ll be able to look forward to.
> 
> Do NOT take him back! He doesn’t deserve you!
> 
> Mine was 28 years invested too! I never look backward. But the first few years I did some serious damage to myself from being so sad, mad, disappointed, and feeling betrayed.
> Just get to a great therapist. Try not to drink or eat too much. Be kind to yourself.


Yes, I need a beach vacation soon, I am unemployed right now and going stir crazy sitting in this house. 28 years omg...why do people lose there sh t like this??? Seriously wtf is wrong with these people, why can't they learn to talk about there issues and deal with there sh t. For God's sake grow up and face the crap that you are going through in your heaf..really not hard to k ow the difference between right and wrong..
I wish I could fast forward this Divorce.. he is useless to me now. If he comes crawling back..boy will that be a fun day of me reminding him of all the hateful evil crap he did to me..ugh I think k I am just feeling disgusted with him now..gotta hang on to that feeling


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## Anastasia6

Beach123 said:


> Change those locks today! And the garage door opener can be reprogrammed by you. You just open the transmitter and redesign the little codes to a different pattern. The base needs to be coded the same as the transmitter so they communicate with each other. If needed - google it! It’s not hard!
> 
> Get a nest camera for your house. That way you can see in real time on your phone if anyone is near or inside the house and what they are doing.
> 
> Take anything of value out of the house! Place it in a family members house/safe! That way he can’t take valuables. That includes tax papers/deeds and titles to property and pink slips to cars etc.
> 
> Ask for MORE than what you want in your divorce papers - mainly because you are normally asked to start “compromising” when the time comes to settle.
> 
> Request a life insurance policy be kept by him - with you as the beneficiary. You’ll only get things if you request them - so start asking for more than you want!


She can not legally change the locks. It is still his home.


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## Brokenbw

Beach123 said:


> Change those locks today! And the garage door opener can be reprogrammed by you. You just open the transmitter and redesign the little codes to a different pattern. The base needs to be coded the same as the transmitter so they communicate with each other. If needed - google it! It’s not hard!
> 
> Get a nest camera for your house. That way you can see in real time on your phone if anyone is near or inside the house and what they are doing.
> 
> Take anything of value out of the house! Place it in a family members house/safe! That way he can’t take valuables. That includes tax papers/deeds and titles to property and pink slips to cars etc.
> 
> Ask for MORE than what you want in your divorce papers - mainly because you are normally asked to start “compromising” when the time comes to settle.
> 
> Request a life insurance policy be kept by him - with you as the beneficiary. You’ll only get things if you request them - so start asking for more than you want!


Thanks that is great advice. I figured I could reprogram the garage door.. oh and I am definitely asking for alot more than half. He walked away why should I suffer...


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## Marc878

No contact is your new best friend. Cheaters don’t like accountability.
How dare you file? 🤣👏👏👏 This is all about him. You nor anyone else matters.
You can only be a chump if *YOU* allow it.


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## Beach123

Anastasia6 said:


> She can not legally change the locks. It is still his home.


Then install several cameras! And put an inside
Lock on all doors so at least when she’s home she can feel safe from him not just showing up in the house without notice. The kind like you see at hotels should work.

But still, change the program on the garage door openers.

And do not communicate with him anymore. He can ask your attorney.


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## Marc878

Brokenbw said:


> I am glad I posted my situation in here, and got all of you wonderful people to comment and share your thoughts and advice with me. I feel like everyone's strengths are flowing through me, and helping face the unfacable. I am a talker and always feel like I have to disecte everything before I do it. I had to call my brother to talk about the credit card bill and what to tell the STBXH...Today was a good day, not great but better than the last 3 weeks for sure. I don't know how this is going to play out but that's ok.. I will definitely share what is happening with everyone, as I am sure that this is going to escalate soon, now that he knows I filed. *Today was the first day I actually heard remorse in his voice. *But I am sure his sweet new POSOW will talk him I to being the ahold his is...


Sorry, but that wasn’t remorse. It was regret you called him on his BS. It’s poor him. A totally different thing.


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## Marc878

Check with your attorney but you can probably change your locks but you may have to give him a key if he asks for it. Plus that may change once you file. It’s worth a call. Knowledge is a good thing.


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## Beach123

I changed the locks. I moved money (he would have spent it) I changed the garage door opener.

He knew he deserved it. And I deserved to feel safe in my own home. He cheated and I told him not to come home. His best friend was with me when I had him pick up his belongings that first week.
When he knocked - I let him in. 
At one point he said he could move back in - I said “oh sure… yep! But every minute you’re home I’ll spend making your life miserable, bank on that!” He decided not to move back in. 🤣 I’d had it with his crap and lies at that point!


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## Brokenbw

Marc878 said:


> Sorry, but that wasn’t remorse. It was regret you called him on his BS. It’s poor him. A totally different thing.


I think your right..when he text me about ripping his shirt and was being a ass, I replied that his shirts were replaceable but the permanent damage he has done is not and he had no reason to be mean and a jerk to me. I did not do anything wrong but love him and be faithful and would have never hurt him the way he did me.. he back off and said he wasn't trying to be mean after what he did and asked that I don't destroy anymore of his stuff. Said he will get the rest of his stuff out as soon as he can. I M assuming when his skank is with him she tells him what to do and say and how to act towards me..her true colors are coming out already. But the truth he can not deny..when he's sober...I didn't do this I didn't ask for this... I was happy with our life until he did this..it is all on him...


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## Brokenbw

Beach123 said:


> I changed the locks. I moved money (he would have spent it) I changed the garage door opener.
> 
> He knew he deserved it. And I deserved to feel safe in my own home. He cheated and I told him not to come home. His best friend was with me when I had him pick up his belongings that first week.
> When he knocked - I let him in.
> At one point he said he could move back in - I said “oh sure… yep! But every minute you’re home I’ll spend making your life miserable, bank on that!” He decided not to move back in. 🤣 I’d had it with his crap and lies at that point!


I like your style!!!


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## Beach123

Just stay tough! He is the enemy now that purposely ruined your life! 

He can live with whatever consequences he gets moving forward.


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## Marc878

Brokenbw said:


> I think your right..when he text me about ripping his shirt and was being a ass, I replied that his shirts were replaceable but the permanent damage he has done is not and he had no reason to be mean and a jerk to me. I did not do anything wrong but love him and be faithful and would have never hurt him the way he did me.. he back off and said he wasn't trying to be mean after what he did and asked that I don't destroy anymore of his stuff. Said he will get the rest of his stuff out as soon as he can. I M assuming when his skank is with him she tells him what to do and say and how to act towards me..her true colors are coming out already. But the truth he can not deny..when he's sober...I didn't do this I didn't ask for this... I was happy with our life until he did this..it is all on him...


There a myth that they always comeback. They don’t. Plus if he did. What would you be getting back. This is a part of who he is or he wouldn’t be doing it would he?
Try and stay out of denial and hopium. That will just keep you in limbo. You could box his stuff up and store it in the garage. Let him pick it up there.


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## Talker67

Beach123 said:


> Change those locks today! *And the garage door opener can be reprogrammed b*y you. You just open the transmitter and redesign the little codes to a different pattern. The base needs to be coded the same as the transmitter so they communicate with each other. If needed - google it! It’s not hard!
> 
> Get a nest camera for your house. That way you can see in real time on your phone if anyone is near or inside the house and what they are doing.
> 
> Take anything of value out of the house! Place it in a family members house/safe! That way he can’t take valuables. That includes tax papers/deeds and titles to property and pink slips to cars etc.


well, one thing you can do is just put a deadbolt thru the garage door that his remote operates. it can be a padlock, or just a 3/8" x 3" bolt with a nut on it passing thru the garage door track that stops the door from rolling upward. 


If you want to get fancy, many modern garage door openers have a tiny button you push on the motor housing to reprogram the remote. Just reprogram BOTH DOOR to work with your remote!


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## Blondilocks

Brokenbw said:


> *He had 2 grand sitting in our safe and asked what I did with it*. Told him it was in my purse. He asked why I took it. I told him I didn't want to be left with no money as he is unpredictable and I have no idea what she is telling him to do. *He said he will not take money out of our joint account because it is illegal and he is not going to break the law.*


😂 Surprise, surprise! The real reason he wanted in the house. Guess skank was a little disappointed when he showed up empty-handed.

Don't disabuse him of the last sentence. He wanted the money from the safe because that couldn't be proved - good thing he is so honest.


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## Brokenbw

Beach123 said:


> Just stay tough! He is the enemy now that purposely ruined your life!
> 
> He can live with whatever consequences he gets moving forward.


I'm trying, but not gonna lie, it is going to be hard. It is hard.


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## Beach123

Brokenbw said:


> I'm trying, but not gonna lie, it is going to be hard. It is hard.


Just keep reminding yourself of the money in the safe he was willing to also take from you.
He really knows how to kick a gal when she’s down. Did he take any of your jewelry? 
He’s no prize. I sure hope you have moved half of all available money into your name only.
If you haven’t he probably has.


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## Smilieman

Brokenbw said:


> I just don't understand how anyone can do this to another person


I am so sorry you are having to go through this - I feel your pain.

My wife left me out-of-the-blue in May this year. She left me 10 years previously - backwards and forwards over a 9 month period and swore she didn't have an affair. We had counselling and were together for another 10 years - we' have been together just over 19.5 years when she left again unexpectedly. No word of being unhappy. Laughing, joking, sharing a bed and holding hands until the day before she left. She also wanted "space" for a couple of days but sent me a text saying she wasn't coming home and she has somebody else. Over the months afterwards, it panned out that she was actually having an affair 10 years before and the guy she left me for this year was the same guy.

I wanted her back desperately, even though this was the second time she had done this and even though this time I knew she was having an affair. My feelings have changed and I will never let her back into my life. Like you we don't have kids. 

After 2 weeks I found she had taken all my savings one year prior and drained our joint account down 2 years prior. She left me penniless and without an income. It all seemed to be planned. I applied to divorce for Adultery as she admitted that and used the small amount of crypto currency I had to fund that as this was the only funds I had. I also found out that the house she moved into was only purchased (allegedly by just him) 2 months before she left. Once again, it seemed to be planned. All her behaviour since she left has been very narcissistic in nature and THIS is the real her. I never saw it while we were together in all those years, although there were hints of gaslighting here and there, a few lies but nothing significant to worry about. But I have uncovered it was bigger than that and that our entire relationship was really a lie and she never really loved me anyway. She couldn't have done, not to treat me in such a despicable way and even now she has turned up the heat with the legal processes, with her behaviour being truly unbelievable. She has done nothing but continually smear my charcter to justify her actions to herself and others and continue to demand money from me that I haven't got or got the capacity to earn.

I have a neurological condition and gave up my IT career 7.5 years ago, she has manipulated me fairly badly since and I also don't understand how anybody can treat another person the way she is treating me, but it is par for the course for such people who are narcissistic, apparently. They want the shiney new toy.

As much as you can, surround yourself with people who can be there for you and think twice before letting him back into your life. He wouldn't treat you in such a way if he loved you. People here know more than me and I type a lot. They will help and have good heads on their shoulders. Give yourself some space to understand and some time to heal. It's been 7 months for me and I'm only just starting to breathe.


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## Marc878

Brokenbw said:


> I'm trying, but not gonna lie, it is going to be hard. It is hard.


Yes, but it’ll be a lot harder if you don’t take control.


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## Brokenbw

Well, the papers are ready and I am going to sign them in a couple of hours. Lawyer called this morning and they ate ready. I am having anxiety about this right now. I know there is no way back and I have to move forward with the D.. This is just so heartbreaking, for me at least, probably not him. I will not take any blame for the destruction he caused. I know it's been 6 months of me trying, and he's been out of the house for 4 weeks this coming Friday. But it feels like it is moving really fast now with the D papers being ready. I hate that this is happening, I hate what he did to us


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## Marc878

Brokenbw said:


> Well, the papers are ready and I am going to sign them in a couple of hours. Lawyer called this morning and they ate ready. I am having anxiety about this right now. I know there is no way back and I have to move forward with the D.. This is just so heartbreaking, for me at least, probably not him. I will not take any blame for the destruction he caused. I know it's been 6 months of me trying, and he's been out of the house for 4 weeks this coming Friday. But it feels like it is moving really fast now with the D papers being ready. I hate that this is happening, I hate what he did to us


Sorry but he didn’t give you much choice. You’re only other option is to stay in infidelity limbo hell.
A very unhealthy place to be.
The one thing to learn is talk/words won’t get you a thing except an extended stay in limbo. Actions are all hat count.
Too many wait around living on the hopium that they’ll “get it” when they need to “get it”. It’s who they are.
His words don’t mean squat. His actions tell you everything you need to know.


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## Cynthia

Brokenbw said:


> Well, the papers are ready and I am going to sign them in a couple of hours. Lawyer called this morning and they ate ready. I am having anxiety about this right now. I know there is no way back and I have to move forward with the D.. This is just so heartbreaking, for me at least, probably not him. I will not take any blame for the destruction he caused. I know it's been 6 months of me trying, and he's been out of the house for 4 weeks this coming Friday. But it feels like it is moving really fast now with the D papers being ready. I hate that this is happening, I hate what he did to us


 I'm sorry this is happening to you. What you are feeling is normal. Keep pressing forward. You'll get through this and start feeling better in a while. You won't always feel this terrible. Hugs to you.



Marc878 said:


> Check with your attorney but you can probably change your locks but you may have to give him a key if he asks for it. Plus that may change once you file. It’s worth a call. Knowledge is a good thing.


 Ask your attorney before changing the locks. There's really nothing he can do, but if he comes over and the locks are changed, he can change them back. Furthermore, the judge may penalize you, in the divorce, for changing the locks. I understand your desire to do it, but ask the attorney when you are allowed to do so. He moved out, so you may have the right to change them.


Talker67 said:


> well, one thing you can do is just put a deadbolt thru the garage door that his remote operates. it can be a padlock, or just a 3/8" x 3" bolt with a nut on it passing thru the garage door track that stops the door from rolling upward.
> 
> 
> If you want to get fancy, many modern garage door openers have a tiny button you push on the motor housing to reprogram the remote. Just reprogram BOTH DOOR to work with your remote!


Putting a lock on a functioning garage door opener would likely break the opener. There should be a lever to disconnect the door from the opener. It is the way to open the garage door manually if the power goes out. I don't think there would be consequences to disconnecting the side that his remote opens, but again, ask the attorney first.

The smoother this all goes, the better. If you do things that irritate the judge, that will not be in your best interest.


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## Smilieman

Brokenbw said:


> This is just so heartbreaking, for me at least, probably not him. I will not take any blame for the destruction he caused.


It was the most difficult thing I had to do also. I didn't believe in divorce, especially because there was no option to discuss or fix anything. But they don't want that, he doesn't want that. You were an object to him like I was to my wife and when they took everything from us - our love, our commitment, our confidence, self-esteem and money, they went to someone else that had more of that than we did. He will do the same to her and she will do the same to him.



Marc878 said:


> His words don’t mean squat. His actions tell you everything you need to know.


I whole heartedly agree and this is the ONLY thing that you can rely on. It's one of the presuppositions of NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) - Calibrate on Behaviour - Meaning do not believe what a person says, only what they do. In my situation (and probably yours), it has proven to be a necessary thing to do.

Hope it goes well, stay strong! 🙏


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## Beach123

There’s usually a little lock button on the inside panel of a garage door opener (where you press the button on the wall.
Activate that lock button while you’re home. It will keep him from entering through the garage to the house. You have every right to that!


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## Trident

*Post #81

The Op already stated she reprogrammed the remotes.*


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## Evinrude58

Brokenbw said:


> I am in denial, because this is wrong on so many f-ing levels. We had a great life, he f--ked it up. We, I worked hard for this life. We built it from nothing, together...now I'm supposed to watch some wh--- take over my life...


Feeling your pain….. 
it takes a long time to get over, and it improves so slowly you’ll never know it’s getting better. It will. It is sad, but it takes a long time for the logical side of one’s mind to beat the emotional side back in check. But you can.
The good news, is you can now find a person that is loyal, and you should also know his serial cheating “soulmate” is gonna do to him what he did to you.

I read the part about your brother explaining that he would have words with your STBxH if he didn’t stop messing with you. I am liking your brother’s attitude.
Sounds like a guy who has his sister’s back. Priceless. 
Sounded like old cheating hubby wasn’t too interested in tasting a good old fashioned knuckle sandwich. That lack of appetite will help keep him thinking of the consequences of getting physical with you if that thought ever passes through his head.


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## Talker67

Cynthia said:


> Putting a lock on a functioning garage door opener would likely break the opener. There should be a lever to disconnect the door from the opener. It is the way to open the garage door manually if the power goes out. I don't think there would be consequences to disconnecting the side that his remote opens, but again, ask the attorney first.


i was wondering about that.
here is the problem: the motor/track mechanism is in fact the door's lock right now.
if you pull the emergency release cord, there is no longer a lock on the door, so anyone can just lift it open.

BUT, if you simultaneously dead bolt the lock and pull the release cord, then problem solved, and no chance of the motor burning out if he is outside pushing the button with a stupid confused look on his face.

i was trying to remember if the motor would just disconnect if the door was deadbolted, i am not sure.


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## Brokenbw

Well, went to the attorneys papers are signed, went to bank, money is transferred. They will be sending him the paperwork asap. Have not told him all of this,, as I am sure he is going to be pissed. Never deposited his 15,000 check so I added half of that on my transfer He will not legally be able to come to the house unannounced. Court on Jan 27th and it states in the papers that he is living with his girlfriend. That will show the judge what a great guy he is.


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## Suki123

Brokenbw said:


> Hi, I'm new to the site, but have been reading alot of post. I am feeling lost and broken, so here is my story. Day 1 June 11th 2021 husband admitted to a EA that started in November of 2020 turned PA in May 2021. Said he would end it. Day 2 August 11th admitted it never ended and he had not given our marriage a chance, and agreed to go NC. Would lie to me about continued contact. Lots of emotional abuse, rewriting history, justifying the whole cheaters hand book. Told me he hasn't been happy for 5 years and the affair just happened. He is 48 I am 52, we have had a happy marriage and he has never shown or talked about being unhappy in our marriage. We have no kids, no debt and money to travel and do what we want. Day 3 December 2 2021. Said he tried to get his connection back with me but could not. He never tried and never broke contact with married AP. Packed 2 suitcase a d went straight to her house. AP had left her husband the first if August saying she needed space, and got her own place. They were in MC because if her 2 previous affairs. Got ahold of AP's husband and he had just found out about the affair the day after my husband moved In with her. This is the 3rd married man she has gone after and told her husband she loves my husband. What a joke...my husband also says he fell in love with her and these things happen. I am trying to go NC but I miss my husband and love him so much. I know totally pathetic, but we had a great life together before this happened our whole future planned out. He was my best friend. I am on a roller-coaster of emotions. I did go see a lawyer to have divorce papers drawn up and they will be ready the first week of the new year. But I keep wondering if that is the right or smart thing to do. A D will cost my hubby alot of money, si ce he makes 4 times as I was making. i have been unemployed since October 2, but was making good salary at my previous 20 plus years career.
> What am I doing? Do I file the divorce? Do I give it some time for him to snap the f.....out of it. Will he come to his senses? I have told him. He is throwing away 21 years together 18 years married a d a 28 year friendship for 4 to 5 percent cha ce with that lying POS. He is not acting like himself, he has completely changed...I know this is not who he is and has never been. He has started drinking g alot since the A came out, he was passi g out on The couch 4 nights a week. His dri ki g has gotten completely out of control over the last 6 months, and I know he is using booze to numb his guilt over what he is doing. He has completely changed. I am so lost. Is there any hope of him coming back to who he was before this affair?


I am so sorry you are going through this, Some times its the best gift to your self to let go and let god. This was my situation 11 years ago this month. First you gotta realize its not about you having something wrong with you or your not doing something right. This is some thing in him thats messed up. I hardly beileve this cheater will not cheat on her too, when a realinship starts out with deseption it cause s no trust between those who are in bed with the cheater later on down the road. I have found out just how that works by hearing and seeing what my ex does behind the all new better supply he dumped me for. He has even at times tried to contact me lol 3 years after he left, please dont waste your time and energy on anymore looking back because i promise you hes not going to unless he needs a place to light thats comforting his ego if hes dumped by the new replacement of you. you need to focus only on the bussniss at hand and get tough about your rights in your settlement just like he were a stranger trying to do a bussniss deal. He is not the same person u thought you married. people dont just become someone else He is exibiting his true self. take care and try to eat well and if you have trouble sleeping get some tylenol pm s to help you sleep tempararly if you need too.wishing you a full life and im sure you will find a better person to share with in the futture. Time changes how your head and heartfeels. takeone day at atime stay busy with other things you gave up while with this mess.Big huggs


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## Brokenbw

Suki123 said:


> I am so sorry you are going through this, Some times its the best gift to your self to let go and let god. This was my situation 11 years ago this month. First you gotta realize its not about you having something wrong with you or your not doing something right. This is some thing in him thats messed up. I hardly beileve this cheater will not cheat on her too, when a realinship starts out with deseption it cause s no trust between those who are in bed with the cheater later on down the road. I have found out just how that works by hearing and seeing what my ex does behind the all new better supply he dumped me for. He has even at times tried to contact me lol 3 years after he left, please dont waste your time and energy on anymore looking back because i promise you hes not going to unless he needs a place to light thats comforting his ego if hes dumped by the new replacement of you. you need to focus only on the bussniss at hand and get tough about your rights in your settlement just like he were a stranger trying to do a bussniss deal. He is not the same person u thought you married. people dont just become someone else He is exibiting his true self. take care and try to eat well and if you have trouble sleeping get some tylenol pm s to help you sleep tempararly if you need too.wishing you a full life and im sure you will find a better person to share with in the futture. Time changes how your head and heartfeels. takeone day at atime stay busy with other things you gave up while with this mess.Big huggs


Thank you, I feel like you just gave me a big hug. Sitting in my , our house feeling sad.. just talked yo baby sister, that helped. Most of the time I'm 
Ok with being alone. But knowing he's not coming home
hits me like a brick in the face. I'm so angry and sad and angry....I hate him for what he has done, hate him for who he is, hate him for being a monster. Once he sees that money gone he is goi g to flip out. My plan is to not answer his calls. And just tell him I am following my attorneys orders. Why do I still feel love for such a monster??? I hate that I feel love for him.


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## Smilieman

Well done for doing that, I know it feels horrible and the emotional pressure is immense. You don't need to tell him and you need to prepare for his reaction, I'm sure. Like I said, my wife came across lovely, I thought the world of her and she was one of the most even-tempered people I knew. I loved her ... a lot. When she left she turned in to the most evil person I have ever known. I haven't and still don't, so anything to provoke her actions, but just by telling the truth and standing my ground, seems to give her the permission to continually run me down, be insulting and absolutely horrible. Her behaviour is vile and she's a lawyer! Be prepared for this, I wasn't and it shook me to me core.



Brokenbw said:


> it states in the papers that he is living with his girlfriend. That will show the judge what a great guy he is


It states on all of our paperwork for the Divorce, maintenance claim (alimony) and financial disclosure documentation that my wife went to live with her new partner. Not sure it makes a difference too much to the formal process, it may do but haven't seen that yet.



Brokenbw said:


> My plan is to not answer his calls. And just tell him I am following my attorneys orders.


That may be a good idea. Go no contact to preserve your sanity. It's hard but that what I did (well, actually she that as soon as she left). All contact goes through my lawyer. It takes out the emotion.


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## Brokenbw

Smilieman said:


> Well done for doing that, I know it feels horrible and the emotional pressure is immense. You don't need to tell him and you need to prepare for his reaction, I'm sure. Like I said, my wife came across lovely, I thought the world of her and she was one of the most even-tempered people I knew. I loved her ... a lot. When she left she turned in to the most evil person I have ever known. I haven't and still don't, so anything to provoke her actions, but just by telling the truth and standing my ground, seems to give her the permission to continually run me down, be insulting and absolutely horrible. Her behaviour is vile and she's a lawyer! Be prepared for this, I wasn't and it shook me to me core.
> 
> 
> It states on all of our paperwork for the Divorce, maintenance claim (alimony) and financial disclosure documentation that my wife went to live with her new partner. Not sure it makes a difference too much to the formal process, it may do but haven't seen that yet.
> 
> 
> That may be a good idea. Go no contact to preserve your sanity. It's hard but that what I did (well, actually she that as soon as she left). All contact goes through my lawyer. It takes out the emotion.


Yep this sucks, they email him th papers this morning..nothing yet. To top it of I got the flu and feel like crap. I wish this was not real. It's gonna be a bad day


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## Brokenbw

He called my attorney and said he would sign the papers and drop them off. So heartless after 21 years.


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## Cynthia

Brokenbw said:


> He called my attorney and said he would sign the papers and drop them off. So heartless after 21 years.


So you get everything you want? At least that's some good news. Hopefully he signs and drops them off before he notices the money withdrawal. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Brokenbw

Cynthia said:


> So you get everything you want? At least that's some good news. Hopefully he signs and drops them off before he notices the money withdrawal.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


Court date is Jan. 27, have to gather asset Info for the attorney. The attorney put in division of assets, spousal support, he has to keep me on his insurance through the process. Some other stuff. Feeling pretty numb right now..I just don't understand how a year ago we were happy with no problems, than boom..


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## Beach123

Brokenbw said:


> Court date is Jan. 27, have to gather asset Info for the attorney. The attorney put in division of assets, spousal support, he has to keep me on his insurance through the process. Some other stuff. Feeling pretty numb right now..I just don't understand how a year ago we were happy with no problems, than boom..


Most likely he met someone where he is.


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## Smilieman

Brokenbw said:


> have to gather asset Info for the attorney


I had/am having to do this. The stbxw is trying to manufacture her outgoings so it looks like she has nothing left at the end of the month trying to get away without paying maintenance. She's playing the game. Be prepared for that one. Hang in there!


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