# Doubts



## Suchard (Feb 19, 2010)

I am 34 years old. I've been married for 8 years, and been with my husband for a total of 10 years. We don't have children - which causes us to fight since he desperately want kids, and I definitely don't.

I used to think I wanted children and be a stay at home mom. But, two months after we got married, my husband lost his job, and we had to move back to his country. After three months, he still couldn't find a job, so I managed to find one as a cleaning lady. Not my first choice of job, but I thought it would be temporary. Ten months later, he still didn't work, wasn't even looking for work (I mean, one interview in ten months...) and I was still at this temporary job. I left his country to come back to mine. We were living with his parents, and I just couldn't take the constant scrutinizing of my in-laws, his lack of job and lack of searching for one, and this boring job I took that barely paid our already very low rent.

He joined me, and I had to yet again find a "temporary" job since we had to wait a year before he could work in my country.
Our love life was already at a halt then. Our sex life was very plain, and we weren't very compatible, but I thought since I loved him, it didn't matter.

It did, apparently, since I got in a long distance affair with someone somewhere across the world. We exchanged dirty emails and phone conversations. We never met, and never intended to. I told my husband. He was hurt, but stayed with me. Although he says he forgives me, I doubt he did. I sure am not forgiving myself for lying to him.

But it doesn't end here. He finally found a job that he quit after a few months. I lost my job due to financial set backs and stayed at home for a year. He found a job he kept for a while but lost it. I guess to make a long story short, even if it may be too late, he doesn't seem to be able to keep a job.

He started being verbally abusive about three years ago. Calling me names, telling me I can't do anything right, screaming at me, and the next minute be sweet and caring and loving. We don't have sex. We haven't had sex in almost a year. We are completely incompatible, and don't speak the same language. He wants things I just cannot give him, and I want things he cannot give me. We tried, but we were clearly forcing ourselves. Shouldn't it come naturally?

I love him so much, but in a platonic way. We are in counseling, have been for a year. It's not doing any good. It's doing good for us as individuals, but not as a couple. We seem to be having very different life expectations.

He lost his job last March, so about a year ago. He hasn't looked for a job since. He did, however, go to a psychiatrist to get anti depressants. He now says, according to what the psychiatrist told him about me, that I may have a mental illness. Borderline personality or something. He is forcing me to go see a psychiatrist. I feel if I could only leave my husband, I wouldn't be so sad and unhappy.

But I can't seem to leave him. Because money is incredibly tight. Because I am afraid he'll kill himself if I do (he said he'd commit suicide if i left him). Because he says he can't live without me. And I do love, him, but is it enough?

I am not sure what kind of advice I am looking for. Neutral feedback, I guess.
Thanks for reading.


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## lillylilac (Feb 17, 2010)

((HUG))
Never be swayed by emotional blackmail. I think your relationship isnt doing either of you any favours. You are right NOT to have children. You aren't emotionally or financially in the right place to do so.

I think you are probably just scared to leave him. It is a big step but maybe one of those situation that once you have made that step you will feel like a giant weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

Make plans to leave. So that you have somewhere to stay, have a job etc. Dont be bulled into staying with him. Yes you love him, he has been part of your life, but you dont have a marriage.

I think he needs to get a life of his own and get a job. Maybe this will help him to stand on his own two feet and not rely on you financially etc.

I think you will find the strength to do this and it will be a good move for you both in the long run. You both deserve to be happy and "in love"... l

I wish you all the best
x


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