# Depressed cheating wife



## Alwaystired (Sep 14, 2017)

...Where to start?...

She's been depressed for years now.. possibly can have other undiagnosed mental illnesses.
Slowly she was losing interest in me..It started with her leaving going out with friends for a month she was usually never home. She lost those friends and a few months later met a new friend.
She met her brother...I was told by a coworker about what my wife had been up to...explict messages were revealed a long with a photo of her legs on top of him.
I showed her these images and she denied the texts being her even though the nickname she had for him was matching to the photos. Claming she wouldn't lie on him again
A week later I see a photo of him and her, his hand on her ass. She is cold and has nothing to say when I saw sentimental things to her. She claims its because she doesnt know what to say.. When we argue about this, she doesn't assure me, she says she loves me and that she has nothing without me.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Alwaystired said:


> She's been depressed for years now.. possibly can have other undiagnosed mental illnesses.


So what ?

Cheating is not a "mental illness". It is a CHOICE. A person can start cheating , or stop cheating, at will. It is not caused by sickness. People cheat because they WANT to cheat.
Yes, it may be true that your wife is depressed, and may have undiagnosed mental illness. The most likely scenario, if indeed these things are true, is that they are somewhat a RESULT of cheating, and are exacerbated by cheating. She will find immediate improvement in her depression and mental illness if she stops cheating.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

What is it that you want? 

Are you going to continue to let her control the narrative gaslighting you or are you going to stand up for yourself with some healthy personal boundaries? 

You ought to ask a mod to move this to the infidelity section.

Best


----------



## Choudhury (Sep 8, 2017)

I'd end it. Wives don't let other men put their hands on their ass.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Alwaystired said:


> ...Where to start?...
> 
> She's been depressed for years now.. possibly can have other undiagnosed mental illnesses.
> Slowly she was losing interest in me..It started with her leaving going out with friends for a month she was usually never home. She lost those friends and a few months later met a new friend.
> ...


Well, let your W find out....have her served D papers. Tell your W you are conducting a social experiment. Make it real. Follow through with.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> What is it that you want?
> 
> Are you going to continue to let her control the narrative gaslighting you or are you going to stand up for yourself with some healthy personal boundaries?
> 
> ...


Moved.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

File for divorce ASAP.


----------



## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> File for divorce ASAP.


Yep! 

The 180

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Who does this remind you of AlwaysTired.









Here's the thing. Ain't nothing sexy about the guy.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Good news! You CAN get rid of your depressed wife that cares zero for anything but your wallet or cleaning/fixing skills or WHATEVER you provide for her. 
It may cost you a little. But you will gain the opportunity to actually LIVE again with a person that gives 2 ****s about you.

Your wife is nothing but a typical, lousy, cake-eating cheater. There's nothing special about the excuses you'll make for her infidelity, nor the responsibility for her cheating that you will try to accept so that you can feel like if YOU change your ways, she'll love you again.
Divorce her sorry, depressed, cheating self and move on.

Or not, the choice is up to you. You can always sit around wishing and hoping that she'll stop cheating, she still loves you, and that you can "win her back" or she'll "find herself". 

Her next words to you: 
1) "I need some space to figure this out, we need some time apart to keep this marriage intact". BS meter pegging out.
2) "I love you but I'm no longer in love with you". BS meter needle bending under the strain.
3) "I have feelings for him(other man), but there's never been anything physical". BS meter just blew up, laying waste to an entire city. 

IF you chase her and hysterical bonding takes over, you will repulse her and instantly she will move out.

If you file for divorce, have her served, act like she is the cheating diseased creature that she is and break off all contact with her.....
Thereby removing her security blanket and forcing her to rethink the situation................

She will highly unlikely, but a better chance than trying to nice her back (which is zero, or negative chance if that's possible), feel a little remorse and make contact with YOU and beg you to take her back. If you beg her, plead with her, or act otherwise interested in whether she lives or dies--- she will emasculate you in every way, divorce you, and make your life miserable due to a total lack of respect for you.

I'm sorry, it's just how things are.


----------



## JayOwen (Oct 26, 2016)

Hey man, sorry that you're here. Just wanted to follow up on some of the other posters to say:

You're not crazy, so don't let her make you feel that way. 

You may never get proof or a confession, but you don't need it. Her actions right now are telling you everything you need to know. She might not even be cheating (though that's highly unlikely given what you know) but at the very least she is not being a good partner. You're clearly in crisis, she's not doing anything to help that.

If you want to divorce, no one would fault you for that. 

If you don't want to divorce, no one would fault you either -- but only if you take care of yourself. As men we often see caring for our wives, especially when they are clearly depressed or otherwise in pain, as our responsibility. But that doesn't apply to this situation. She's an adult, she's made her choices. 

She'll either screw up her life on her own, or realize what she's doing and try to fix things with you. But you can't do either of those things for her -- nor do you have to let her choices dictate YOUR life.

So the good news is that now you can focus on yourself, without concern for her. So do what's good for you. It won't be easy regardless of what you choose, but at least you'll be in control of your own life. Good luck.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

How long have you been married and do you have children?

I you have no kids, get out of infidelity by divorcing her. You are clearly her plan B.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Tell her that because she cheated, the marriage is over, and it is all her fault. Just say bye bye. Oh, I sorry she's depressed, I did not know that a fresh penis was a curative. Tell her that it is time for her to go back and be nothing.


----------



## doconiram (Apr 24, 2017)

Nothing worth saving except for the rest of your life. File for D as quickly as you can and get on with your life minus her.


----------



## doconiram (Apr 24, 2017)

Oh, and without you, she'll still have her other man's hands on her body...


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

depressed? I am not surprised. After her orgasm....she probably had to come to grips with the reality that she was a cheater. But the problem is...next time she gets horny....she will be looking to cheat again! Once the line is crossed, it is much easier the 2nd, 3rd.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Alwaystired said:


> ...Where to start?...
> 
> She's been depressed for years now.. possibly can have other undiagnosed mental illnesses.
> Slowly she was losing interest in me..It started with her leaving going out with friends for a month she was usually never home. She lost those friends and a few months later met a new friend.
> ...


Cheaters lie a lot and you're trying hard to make excuses and wanting to believe her lies hoping that this will all magically get better and you won't have to do anything. 

It won't !!!!!


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Last time a man put his hand on my wife's behind, he got her hand across his face then I gently placed his hand on the table, and proceeded to crunch it under my fist. He did not have use of the hand for a month.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Alwaystired said:


> ...Where to start?...
> 
> She's been depressed for years now.. possibly can have other undiagnosed mental illnesses.
> Slowly she was losing interest in me..It started with her leaving going out with friends for a month she was usually never home. She lost those friends and a few months later met a new friend.
> ...


The real question is what do you want?

You have people explaining to you that your wife is cheating. You have obviously been arguing with her about this. You clearly are not happy about the situation.

So what do you want? Figure it out and then tell her what you want, but also tell her what you expect and what the consequences will be if you don't get what you want.

She may be incapable of giving you what you want or need and if so then the two of you should move on without each other. But at least have the conversation. If you want to save the marriage and she is willing to try to save it, then you might want to get some serious marriage counseling.

Good Luck


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Alwaystired said:


> ...Where to start?...
> 
> She's been depressed for years now.. possibly can have other undiagnosed mental illnesses.
> Slowly she was losing interest in me..It started with her leaving going out with friends for a month she was usually never home. She lost those friends and a few months later met a new friend.
> ...


What treatment regimen is she undergoing?


----------

