# A lurker turned poster - My story of dealing with infidelity *long*



## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

I originally found this site about two months ago and lurked around reading threads and learning from the stories of others. I’m sure most people that lurk may never make an account and share their story, or may never post their thanks for the intelligent and non-biased advice they received in ad-hoc manner. I went back and forth on whether I wanted to share my story, but in my life none of my friends or family have ever gone through such an event so while I have gone to them for advice I find it hard for them to relate to my situation, so while I’m surrounded with love I still feel alone in my battle. Here is my story and here is my thanks to all of the advice I have already gotten through the threads of others and the advice and support I’m sure that will arise from this thread. 

I’m 30 years old. I have had several very serious relationships, and guard my heart and my feelings very carefully. About a year and half ago I met a very beautiful, very (what seemed at the time) genuine, loving, and caring woman. For the first time I let my guard down completely and for some reason just felt unbelievably comfortable with this woman. We fell in love, and maybe I was blind but I felt like I had met my soul mate. We were married after 8 months. I know it was quick and perhaps led to its downfall, but there was just a connection that was there that I can’t describe. My family loved her, my friends loved her. 

She had an ex fiancée and while we were dating I was uncomfortable with him as he just seemed to refuse to let her go, and in retrospect it appears if she refused to let him go. They didn’t hang out to my knowledge while we were dating but they still talked some. Before we got married I told her that the friendship wasn’t appropriate, because I’m of the belief that ex’s shouldn’t remain friends…I’m not friends with any of mine. I told her that if she wanted to have a life of commitment with me that it wasn’t healthy for our relationship for that friendship to continue. We were married in February of this year. And for the first month I know they didn’t talk, but in early April she called me at work crying saying she still had feelings for the OM (ex-fiancé) and admitted they’d been talking again. I did not know of this site at the time but I did make her do a form of No Contact. She called (with me present) and told him that she was committed to her marriage and he needed to stop contacting her, etc, etc. At the time the texts weren’t bad, just friend chit chat. Or at least I thought. 

My first real d-day came in early May. I had become suspicious they were talking again. Just a gut feeling I had. Her phone followed her everywhere, like glued to her hip. She seemed to be withdrawn, we weren’t having regular sex and when we were it was almost like she was just there, just kind of lying there. On May 1st she was in the shower and a text came through from his number, and at this point I had never looked at her phone without asking her, but like I said my gut just couldn’t let this one go so I opened her phone and read the text. He was telling her good morning and using baby and saying I love you…well the night before (after her and I had had sex) she sent him a text saying “I LOVE YOU “NAME” I LOVE YOU!! I’m going to spend Friday night with you.” I read the rest of the texts on that page but literally couldn’t read anymore because I was violently shaking, literally in shock. I confronted her she started crying, I was leaving…but like an idiot the waterworks kept me in the door. She admitted to having an EA (trickle truth). I still had not discovered this site, but I did expose the EA to her family who was very supportive of me, I very clearly made it known if she ever talked to him again even a “hi” I’d leave because obviously she doesn’t respect boundaries. He wasn’t dating anyone so there was no one I could expose to on his side. I started going to IC and told her we needed to go to MC and she needed IC herself. She refused, she was in what at the time I didn’t know was the Fog of an affair. I had a gut feeling the EA had gone to PA during this time but she denied it, swore on her family, god, her daughter. I didn’t believe her but I didn’t have any evidence to confront her with. I kept working on me and made myself the priority. 

I started getting smarter and snooping/monitoring. We got her a new phone and a new plan under my name about a week later. In the process of backing up her old phone to the computer to the new phone I discovered some pictures with timestamps showing them together when they shouldn’t have been. I was on high alert now. I went out to the computer late at night and looked through everything that had been backed up. I found two videos of her and the OM dated for early April. I once again was in shock, and quickly went into denial. I had my smoking gun, but I couldn’t believe my beautiful loving wife would do such a thing. I began trying to justify it, I began to search for reasons that these videos couldn’t be accurate with their timestamps. I confronted her like a week later, and she said the videos were from right before we started dating and he had sent them to her that night. I was in such denial I believed her. This was weak of me, this was not productive to my marriage. I understand that, but at the time I was so petrified by fear of losing my wife. 

I found this site in early June and started to become an expert. I pulled a 180. It wasn’t a flawless 180, but it was the best I could do at the time. I did continue to snoop and monitor. For the better part of 2 months I believe my WW and the OM did stop talking, as she was accountable for her locations, her family (especially her mom, was making her accountable as well). She had no Facebook at the time, and there were no texts coming through that shouldn’t be because of her new number. In late July after reading through this site I began to understand the mentality of a WW and their behavior, and I got that feeling in my gut that something was right again. I installed a key logger on the computer and found that she had restarted her Facebook account, and had resumed talking to the OM. Things being said were inappropriate. This gave me the balls to run the video files I had through a program that pulls out data and lets you know when they were made and when they were saved. They were made in early April. I approached her without exposing what information I knew and from where. I asked if there was anything that had happened recently I should know about, and she should assume that I already know. She lied. I asked about Facebook, she then was willing to admit that he sent her messages but that she hadn’t responded…she showed me her Facebook and she had deleted her responses, but I already knew she was lying because I had what was said. At this point I told her that our marriage was no longer a concern to her and that she very clearly knew the results of what would happen if I caught her talking to him again and she knew this. 

I stayed for about a week. She cried a lot, but still wouldn’t fess up to a PA. I already knew the answer but something inside of me just needed to hear it. After a week she admitted a PA but that it was only once (trickle truth, I’m sure) and that the videos really were from before we started dating, but that she had had an affair 2 months after we were married. I left the house the next day and have been staying at one of my best friends houses. The other day she admitted they had been together once while we were just dating too in November, and that those are when the videos were made. I learned from this site if a story doesn’t make sense and if there is still contact then the affair is still going on. I believe the affair/cheating did start in November but that it continued through our engagement and into our marriage. Part of me still yearns to hear this from her, I don’t know why it matters because I made it very clear from the beginning that cheating was not something I’d tolerate. 
I have contacted my lawyer. I am aware of my rights, I have a meeting with him at the end of this month (hes in trial until then, and I trust him so I’m willing to wait to meet with him rather than another lawyer). Since I left and told me wife about talking with a lawyer about the D she has woken up from the Fog a little, but while she shows some signs of true remorse she still shows some signs of protecting herself still which just wreaks of an attempt to have a false R and continue to be a cake eater. I did meet up with on Friday and she took me to a place that was very special to her that her family had shown her, and she was giving it to me as a place to come and think and that the place was no longer hers –that she wanted me to have it. I’m not sure if this is remorse or if it’s just regret that she knows she ruined a marriage with a good man. I’ve always been faithful, I’m very successful for my age and have a great job, and I have always given her attention and made her know that she was beautiful and loved. 

I still love her. Her family and all of my friends and family are aware of the PA. I haven’t pushed the other steps of stopping an affair, because after 3 months of lies and manipulation and giving herself emotionally and physically to another man there isn’t a marriage there for me to want to save. I do however admit to going through flipping back and forth between wanting to divorce her and wanting to try to make it work, but in the end I know I can’t base a life with someone who would toss away our vows 2 months into a marriage and where we don’t have a huge background to be able to rebuild off of. Our background is now full of lies and deception. 
No matter the hurt someone you love has caused you, it is always hard to walk away. Without this site, I would not have had the strength to leave my house (while she prepares to move back to her family’s house) and I probably would have gone back home to my WW and rug swept the issue because of wanting to not lose my wife. My gut has always been right and my gut is now pushing me to understand that while I truly loved her she may have never truly loved me. There isn’t enough there to fix it, and I’m not sure I have the desire to try. This all pushes me to just keep moving forward and file for D at the end of the month. 

Even though you didn’t know you were giving me advice, I thank each of you for it. Sites like these are invaluable for people struggling through infidelity.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Dude, RUN!!! FAST!!!. Nothing to save or reconcile here. Don't even think of getting back with her. She was cheating all through the relationship and marriage. See of you can get an annulment. She is better off in the fog of the affair so that she will leave you quickly and financially intact!! You still don't have the complete truth because she wants to "protect" you. Why did she even marry you if she was cheating all the time? 


Don't tell me that the OM is a broke loser.


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## Still Knight (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm truly sorry StagesofGrief. In the middle of my own stuff now, with what my wife is going to force me to do in the future still uncertain, so I feel your pain. 

You know you deserve better and will have better though. She's had enough opportunities now to prove she's never been commited to this marriage and still isn't. At least it sounds like there aren't children involved so you don't have that part to worry about, though I know that's probably a small comfort.

Good luck to you in the future.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Of course you still love her, StagesOfGrief. I would be a liar if I said I didn't still love my ex. But it's not the same passionate, romantic love I had when we were together. It's more a love for who I fell in love with, and the good times we shared. Nostalgia, I suppose. A love for what was, and not what _is_.

Your wife cheated on you for the entirety of your short marriage. She never let her ex-fiancée go and pursued _that_ relationship, despite committing herself (superficially) to you. As harsh as it is to say this, you were never truly "married" to her. She never gave herself to you and the marriage; she never respected her vows or your love. 

She chased her ex-lover, the man who "got away."

There is nothing to reconcile at this point. Your marriage is _far_ too young/short. You haven't built anything worth saving. I truly think you should cut your losses and divorce her, without looking back with regret. 

Yes, she is a woman you felt comfortable with. But at the same time, she was false the entire time, pining for her ex while she kept up her facade with you.

Just let her go.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Dude, RUN!!! FAST!!!. Nothing to save or reconcile here. Don't even think of getting back with her. She was cheating all through the relationship and marriage. See of you can get an annulment. She is better off in the fog of the affair so that she will leave you quickly and financially intact!! You still don't have the complete truth because she wants to "protect" you. Why did she even marry you if she was cheating all the time?
> 
> 
> Don't tell me that the OM is a broke loser.


I agree with you that I don't have the whole truth and that most likely she has been cheating for a large portion of the relationship. I did talk with my lawyer a bit about an annulment but he said wed discuss further at our consult. 

I asked her why she married me if she was so conflicted and she said its because she always loved me but just couldnt let go of the OM. 

The OM is a mechanic with a GED. I have undergraduate and graduate degrees from two prestigious universities...of course that doesn't equate into keeping a loyal spouse, but just a statement of fact that yes myself and the OM are quite different.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Still Knight said:


> I'm truly sorry StagesofGrief. In the middle of my own stuff now, with what my wife is going to force me to do in the future still uncertain, so I feel your pain.
> 
> You know you deserve better and will have better though. She's had enough opportunities now to prove she's never been commited to this marriage and still isn't. At least it sounds like there aren't children involved so you don't have that part to worry about, though I know that's probably a small comfort.
> 
> Good luck to you in the future.


Still Knight - thank you for your words. This site has been a huge comfort to me. I wish NONE of us were going through what we are but it is always a bit comforting to be able to associate and share with people that understand you. 

Ill search and see if you have a thread up and see if i can possibly provide any insight as well. I wish you the best of luck though in your struggles. It is hard when other people leave you with no choice but to make the decision you dont want to but have to make. 

She has a 4 year old from a previous relationship. I will miss her dearly, but you are correct that we do not have children together.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Jibril said:


> Of course you still love her, StagesOfGrief. I would be a liar if I said I didn't still love my ex. But it's not the same passionate, romantic love I had when we were together. It's more a love for who I fell in love with, and the good times we shared. Nostalgia, I suppose. A love for what was, and not what _is_.
> 
> Your wife cheated on you for the entirety of your short marriage. She never let her ex-fiancée go and pursued _that_ relationship, despite committing herself (superficially) to you. As harsh as it is to say this, you were never truly "married" to her. She never gave herself to you and the marriage; she never respected her vows or your love.
> 
> ...


I really like how you framed the love for your ex. I can feel that I will probably love her for a very long time, but in that same regard. I can already feel that it isn't a love of romance or desire anymore. It is a love for the good times that were had, whether at this point they were legitimate or not. 

The whole marriage not truly being valid in regards to the fact that i was the only one truly in it is the part that is actually hardest for me. It takes a lot for me to let someone in like that and I end up letting someone in that took that for advantage and took the comforts i provided while still lusting after the OM. 

Part of me is still in denial because part of me wants to hope that she was decent enough that she didnt cheat the entire time, but if she cheated 3 months prior to our marriage and 2 months after and were still in contact then the affair had to still be on. 

I do have a meeting with my lawyer on the 31st and the divorce will continue at that point. It's just hard to let go, because i dont love often, but when I love I love hard. I will regroup and learn and make myself a better person for someone down the road that is ready for a true commitment. 

Thank you


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> She has a 4 year old from a previous relationship.


That in itself is a relationship red flag, IMHO. Was the OM the father?


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Since the betrayal is still a fresh and open wound, the only remedy I can recommend is time, StagesOfGrief. 

The men and women who post here tend to be a bit on the soft/apprehensive side; afraid to take decisive action out of fear of being alone or losing what they have. In the case of men, books like Married Man Sex Life and No More Mr. Nice Guy are recommended reading, to help the betrayed man strengthen himself emotionally. You seem to have your head on staight but I would recommend these books regardless, as they may be of some help to you as you reflect and heal.

Framing your situation in cold, harsh terms tends to help the betrayed spouse see their plight for what it is, rather than what they _think_ or _feel_ about it, which is why I really like the community here. They tell it like it is, and in my opinion, bitter medicine is the best kind of medicine you can get, so long as you have the stomach for it.

You need to look at your marriage and your wife with unclouded eyes - from the outside looking in. From my own perspective, I cannot see anything worth saving. The briefness of your marriage, and her decision to cheat before, during and after the wedding, speak _volumes_ about her character, her boundaries and her feelings/respect towards you. 

Life is short enough as it is. Do you _really_ want to try and reconcile with a woman who would do this to you? Especially when you deserve better, and there are so many other fantastic people worth meeting and dating?

Amusingly, I am a bit like you in that it was difficult for me to connect and open up with other people. I was wary of my relationship with my ex, by nature of my own personality. With time, I opened up to her more than I had with anyone I've ever known, and grew incredibly comfortable with her. Too comfortable, unfortunately. But don't think for a _second_ that you cannot open up to another person because of you're cautious and introverted. Your wife is not the only fish in the pond.

Take care of yourself. And good luck.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> That in itself is a relationship red flag, IMHO. Was the OM the father?


What makes that a red flag? Not saying you're wrong just curious on your insight? 

No the OM was not the child's father. He was the relationship after that one.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Met 1 1/2 years ago, married 8 months in, that means you're six months married. Get an annulment if possible, it'll be like you were never married.

You're the meal ticket, the security, the safe move.

He's the passion, the fun, the excitement, that's why she keeps going back to him.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Jibril - I will follow up on those links and continue to try and make myself better for someone that truly deserves me. 

That was something I noticed as well as I lurked the threads on this site was that people who were obviously not attached to the situation could provide advice/insight without their opinions being clouded by being deeply involved in the situation. They also talk with experience which can be invaluable. 

Life is short and I know there are better women out there now. I just have to make sure I take the time to heal and make myself better so I don't unintentionally sabotage a possible successful relationship because of previous experiences. 

Thank you again and I wish you the best of luck as well!


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Met 1 1/2 years ago, married 8 months in, that means you're six months married. Get an annulment if possible, it'll be like you were never married.
> 
> You're the meal ticket, the security, the safe move.
> 
> He's the passion, the fun, the excitement, that's why she keeps going back to him.



That was always my concern. In general, not just with her. I'm pretty even keeled. I come from a background of security, money, etc and I'm a pretty trusting guy. I guess in a way I opened myself up for some of this and understand that being the nice guy isn't a win situation. 

I will be discussing an annulment with my lawyer in a couple weeks, I just want to put this chapter of my life behind me. If the annulment process takes longer than just a divorce I'll probably just opt for the divorce so it can all be in the past as quickly as posisble.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> What makes that a red flag? Not saying you're wrong just curious on your insight?
> 
> No the OM was not the child's father. He was the relationship after that one.


A lot of single women eventually get tired of riding the alpha c0ck bad boy carousel and decide to settle down with a nice, stable guy, especially when they are saddled with Alpha spawn. Unfortunately, the sexual attraction (which most women start losing 4-7 years into a relationship in the best cases) for the provider male is soon lost; he just doesn't give her the tingly crotch like the bad boys. Soon, she's got an affair with a bad boy going.

I always considered single moms to be a trap. They want a daddy for their kids and a so-called "beta-provider."


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> A lot of single women eventually get tired of riding the alpha c0ck bad boy carousel and decide to settle down with a nice, stable guy, especially when they are saddled with Alpha spawn. Unfortunately, the sexual attraction (which most women start losing 4-7 years into a relationship in the best cases) for the provider male is soon lost; he just doesn't give her the tingly crotch like the bad boys. Soon, she's got an affair with a bad boy going.
> 
> I always considered single moms to be a trap. They want a daddy for their kids and a so-called "beta-provider."


as a once single mom, I take serious offense to thar last comment.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> as a once single mom, I take serious offense to thar last comment.


Nevertheless, that has to be the assumption on the part of the young man. The single moms I didn't date told me I was being unfair. I figured I was being smart. I had no interest whatsoever in playing daddy for a kid that was not mine. That was when I was 25. Were I to find myself alone today, God forbid, and if a hot 30 year old was interested in me as a provider male, I wouldn't reject it out of hand. If I were 25, I still wouldn't be interested. Way too risky.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> I agree with you that I don't have the whole truth and that most likely she has been cheating for a large portion of the relationship.
> 
> *The OM is a mechanic with a GED. I have undergraduate and graduate degrees from two prestigious universities*.
> 
> ...


I think a highly successful young nice guy like you was a dream come true for a single mom with a 4-year-old, except that she still really loved the other man and only really, really, really liked you a lot. 

Maybe she thought she could learn to love you. Successful nice guy who loves me enormously and can take care of my daughter vs. guy with not as much earning potential who has dumped me but whom I still pine for.

Agree that she never stopped cheating on you; it may have stopped physically, but not for long, and I bet that she thought about other man every single day.

I'm guessing other man is just in it for the sex; he could have married her but didn't, and not all that long ago.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

All other advice in this thread is accurate.

Bail Out!!


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> as a once single mom, I take serious offense to thar last comment.


You are probably the exception to the rule.

Other single mothers set the rule, whether that offends you or not.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Stages,

D her. She never loved you. And when you look at what a loser she is in love with, well you must realize your wife is no rocket scientist.

She is just a selfish, deceitful cheater.

You will do better. Go find your equal because that is what you deserve.

Let her move back in with Mommy, go marry the GED posom and live a "fulfilling" life. Note the sarcasm.......

HN64


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

The OM provide the raw visceral thrill for her. You provided the harbor where she can leave to get her thrills.

Divorce her. She has been through this process before. She knows the game. You dont. Good that you have a lawyer.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I wonder if the OM is why her relationship with the child's father ended?


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> I think a highly successful young nice guy like you was a dream come true for a single mom with a 4-year-old, except that she still really loved the other man and only really, really, really liked you a lot.
> 
> Maybe she thought she could learn to love you. Successful nice guy who loves me enormously and can take care of my daughter vs. guy with not as much earning potential who has dumped me but whom I still pine for.
> 
> ...


Your statements unfortunately are probably very accurate, and unfortunately I didn't really see them when perhaps I should have or she just played it really well. 

You must have heard this kind of story before because he was the one to dump her and it wasn't TOO long ago, about 6 months before we started dating. Thank you for the insight , it just validation to know the thoughts I feel within the situation are similar to what people see outside of it.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I wonder if the OM is why her relationship with the child's father ended?


All i know from that is what shes told me, and to date everything about OM has been a lie so why start believing anything now, but from what i can tell from the father and what shes told I don't think he was involved. 

The relationship with the father wasnt a good one, but i guess anything could have happened.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> All i know from that is what shes told me, and to date everything about OM has been a lie so why start believing anything now, but from what i can tell from the father and what shes told I don't think he was involved.
> 
> The relationship with the father wasnt a good one, but i guess anything could have happened.


This is not politically correct but it is honest.

Being a 28-29 year old successful man such as yourself, her 4 year old should've been a pretty big red flag. Why take on women with baggage at that point in time? 

Your options were vast. Apply exclusion criteria. Yes there are exceptions. Not EVERY serial killer had an an abusive childhood, but the chances are higher that they did. 

Don't allow yourself to become attached and take on those odds.

You handled it well, and I wish you luck but just be weary the next time around. The one time you let your heart open and you get crushed. Love sucks sometimes.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> The OM is a mechanic with a GED. I have undergraduate and graduate degrees from two prestigious universities...of course that doesn't equate into keeping a loyal spouse, but just a statement of fact that yes myself and the OM are quite different.


Makes sense ? 

She liked you. Marrying you was the "right decision" to make financially for her and the kids stability and everyone must have convinced her what a catch you were. But she is only attracted to the mechanic and probably considers him her soul mate that never was to be. 

Does she earn anything substantial ?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> as a once single mom, I take serious offense to thar last comment.


I agree with some of the answers to this thread being offensive to single moms, and I apologize for my reference to it.

The fact that the cheater in this case had been a single mom really is a red herring. Any single young woman who meets a highly successful young man, with the woman having recently been dumped by a less successful fiance, is going to get A LOT of feedback from friends and relatives that THIS IS A GREAT GUY, he's nice, don't let him go, etc. I've seen this many times in real life, not just on these boards.

To the original poster, your success comes with a little bit of a price when it comes to romantic interests. You've got to sort out the ones that are interested in you partly because of your success and those that truly love you. Whether or not the woman has children.

Once they tell their friends/relatives about you: "he's a nice guy!" "he's successful!" "hold onto that one!" "it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich guy as it is a poor guy!"; then, they MAY stay with you for the wrong reasons, even though their hearts may be elsewhere.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Female Hypergamy is the reigning principle. It's totally basic to female attraction.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Dude, RUN!!! FAST!!!. Nothing to save or reconcile here. Don't even think of getting back with her. She was cheating all through the relationship and marriage. See of you can get an annulment. She is better off in the fog of the affair so that she will leave you quickly and financially intact!! You still don't have the complete truth because she wants to "protect" you. Why did she even marry you if she was cheating all the time?
> 
> 
> Don't tell me that the OM is a broke loser.


That one is easy. She has a daughter and the OP said:



> I’m very successful for my age and have a great job,


The OM is not daddy material. The OP is a great choice for a stepdad. Just look here:



> She has a 4 year old from a previous relationship. I will miss her dearly


He even bonded with the kid. 

StagesOfGrief, you were given a harsh blow, but you will get over it and be better for it. I don't think you need this drama in your life. You have no common kids and the marriage is recent so it won't cripple you for life.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

What kind of woman , throws away such a future having faced such difficulties in the past?
Where is the " conventional wisdom " that dictates
" A stupid dog ALWAYS looses his bone?"

So instead of moving into her " Alpha a$$hole " lover's house , she now has to move back into her parent's home.....
This woman is emotionally unstable , and cannot differentiate between a Mills & Boon / Harlequin romance novel and reality.

My advice to the OP is to thank your lucky stars and RUN!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm sorry StagesOfGrief that your wife enrolled you into the club that no one wants to join. 

Your WW never got over her XBF. No way can a marriage survive, much less thrive, when it starts out like this.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

jameskimp said:


> This is not politically correct but it is honest.
> 
> Being a 28-29 year old successful man such as yourself, her 4 year old should've been a pretty big red flag. Why take on women with baggage at that point in time?
> 
> ...


In hindsight yes it should have probably been a red flag. In a way I looked at it a bit differently in thinking that with having a 4 year old that she'd be more responsible and be more prone to being committed to a solid relationship. In theory I suppose that may exist in some situations, but in some situations it may not. I won't bucket all single moms into a singular category, and I'm not opposed to dating them in the future...I will just be more careful to understand their backstory to truly see their intentions. 

I'm not anyones safe bet. I'm me, and until I find someone I think that might be an equal...I'm just going to make myself the priority. No matter how lonely and hard it may be for awhile.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Makes sense ?
> 
> She liked you. Marrying you was the "right decision" to make financially for her and the kids stability and everyone must have convinced her what a catch you were. But she is only attracted to the mechanic and probably considers him her soul mate that never was to be.
> 
> Does she earn anything substantial ?


It does make sense now, and it was something I was always little insecure about was their relationship in the past because it was very "soul mate" esque. Stupid on my part. 

No, she doesn't at this point in time. In a couple of years as her business builds she could, but right now she makes about 1/5th of what I do.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> I agree with some of the answers to this thread being offensive to single moms, and I apologize for my reference to it.
> 
> The fact that the cheater in this case had been a single mom really is a red herring. Any single young woman who meets a highly successful young man, with the woman having recently been dumped by a less successful fiance, is going to get A LOT of feedback from friends and relatives that THIS IS A GREAT GUY, he's nice, don't let him go, etc. I've seen this many times in real life, not just on these boards.
> 
> ...


Actually I know for a fact those are the comments she heard from her family and friends. I guess I was too naive to see the risk of those comments because they are true. I'm not arrogant, but I am a good guy. 

I will absolutely be more careful in the future. I don't want to restrict dating to within a social class, but perhaps I need to change my standards to be with someone who is more of a financial equal to avoid that safety net syndrome.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I'm sorry StagesOfGrief that your wife enrolled you into the club that no one wants to join.
> 
> Your WW never got over her XBF. No way can a marriage survive, much less thrive, when it starts out like this.


Unfortunately you are correct. In a way I may have ignored some things I shouldn't have because I was confident I was a better option than him and that it would just click for her like that. Dumb. I shouldn't have to convince someone that I'm a solid option, I should inherently be their first choice. 

At 30 sometimes you think you've learned it all but it takes a relationship like this to understand, that you still have a lot to learn. 

Ill lick my wounds, focus on me and my job for awhile, and when I'm ready I'll get back out there and be more selective in who I trust, and also be firmer in holding my boundaries. 

Thank you .


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I also say congrats on reading your inner -voice the one that lets you know somethings not right use this in all areas and you will find yrself extremely successfull not just in relationships


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> Actually I know for a fact those are the comments she heard from her family and friends. I guess I was too naive to see the risk of those comments because they are true. I'm not arrogant, but I am a good guy.
> 
> I will absolutely be more careful in the future. I don't want to restrict dating to within a social class, but perhaps I need to change my standards to be with someone who is more of a financial equal to avoid that safety net syndrome.


If anything, you need to project more arrogance. The arrogance of a man who knows he's attractive, just for his sheer animal magnetism. Fake it till you make it.

Don't look for a financially successful woman because of her success. They will probably seek you out, for the simple reason that they can't really get excited and stay that way long term over a guy who earns less than they do.

This stuff is covered well at Roissy's, and the others. Get in touch with the female Limbic and you can't go wrong.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Good luck Stages. I think you have this figured out and although this isn't and will not be fun----you'll be fine!


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> I also say congrats on reading your inner -voice the one that lets you know somethings not right use this in all areas and you will find yrself extremely successfull not just in relationships


Thank you. My gut has almost never led me wrong, but sometimes you really really hope it is. I didn't listen to it right away, but it kept nagging me and every time it did it turned out being right. I've always trusted my gut in my life outside of relationships, this has taught me that I should trust it even MORE inside of relationships.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> If anything, you need to project more arrogance. The arrogance of a man who knows he's attractive, just for his sheer animal magnetism. Fake it till you make it.
> 
> Don't look for a financially successful woman because of her success. They will probably seek you out, for the simple reason that they can't really get excited and stay that way long term over a guy who earns less than they do.
> 
> This stuff is covered well at Roissy's, and the others. Get in touch with the female Limbic and you can't go wrong.


Fake it till you make it is one of my favorite sayings, and it will be my mantra for a little while here until I really have made it. Thank you for all of your insight!


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> Good luck Stages. I think you have this figured out and although this isn't and will not be fun----you'll be fine!


I appreciate the supportive words! By the time I worked up the nerve to share my story I had pretty much figured it out, but I couldn't have done it without lurking and reading the great advice that lives on this site!

I hope over time to pay that forward and maybe my story, or some advice I can give from my experience can help someone else because lord knows this is a horrific experience.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Maybe I'm old school, but the hardest thing I have with the D (which is the route I'm taking) is that I said vows that were in good times and bad. So sometimes I feel like a bit of a hypocrite that times are bad, and i was so mad at her for breaking hers, that I can just bail. 

I guess on the plus side it proves that I actually took the vows seriously where she didn't. Just a random thought I felt like sharing.


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## Izzie (Aug 17, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Met 1 1/2 years ago, married 8 months in, that means you're six months married. Get an annulment if possible, it'll be like you were never married.
> 
> You're the meal ticket, the security, the safe move.
> 
> He's the passion, the fun, the excitement, that's why she keeps going back to him.


AGREED!! AGREED!!!! AGREED!!! You said you had a great job and she was a single mom that now needs to move back in with her family. It sounds like you were a security blanket and some financial stability. The ex is probably a loser. I am soooo very sorry for what you have experienced and for your loss. I wish you better luck in the future. You are due.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Izzie said:


> AGREED!! AGREED!!!! AGREED!!! You said you had a great job and she was a single mom that now needs to move back in with her family. It sounds like you were a security blanket and some financial stability. The ex is probably a loser. I am soooo very sorry for what you have experienced and for your loss. I wish you better luck in the future. You are due.


I see it oh so very clearly now, and will be better apt to deal with it in the future/prevent it, but at the time I was clueless. 

He is a loser, but he one upped me on my wife, I guess ill take solace in that I'll one up him on life. haha. 

Thank you . Ill find the right woman when I'm ready and hopefully itll be better than this time.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

StagesOfGrief said:


> Maybe I'm old school, but the hardest thing I have with the D (which is the route I'm taking) is that I said vows that were in good times and bad. So sometimes I feel like a bit of a hypocrite that times are bad, and i was so mad at her for breaking hers, that I can just bail.
> 
> I guess on the plus side it proves that I actually took the vows seriously where she didn't. Just a random thought I felt like sharing.



She did not fulfill her part of the marriage. Her lies and actions are material breach of the marriage. Because of that, it's your choice whether you stay in the marriage or not. 

If you stay now that you have knowledge then you are agreeing to the change in the marriage relationship.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

aug said:


> She did not fulfill her part of the marriage. Her lies and actions are material breach of the marriage. Because of that, it's your choice whether you stay in the marriage or not.
> 
> If you stay now that you have knowledge then you are agreeing to the change in the marriage relationship.


Oh there's no way I'm staying. I'm not going to live a life where the rules of my relationship/marriage changed 2 months in. 

It was just one of the thousands of thoughts that run through my head around this. I guess part of it is just shock at how lightly some people take their vows. It kind of blows my mind a bit. I know that her breach left the decision with me, and my decision is to leave, its just a bitter pill to swallow that her vows didnt mean to her what mine did to me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

StagesOfGrief said:


> He is a loser, but he one upped me on my wife, I guess ill take solace in that I'll one up him on life. haha.
> 
> Thank you . Ill find the right woman when I'm ready and hopefully itll be better than this time.


The way I like to see it, is he bought the model with the known defect, the cheater the clunker.

You now are free and clear to buy the new better model with that bug fixed.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> The way I like to see it, is he bought the model with the known defect, the cheater the clunker.
> 
> You now are free and clear to buy the new better model with that bug fixed.


Hell Shaggy, the way you explained it above makes me wish there was a lemon law for defective spouses.

It would sure be nice if we could return them and get a full refund.

But damn it would put a really big dent in the divorce lawyer business!!!!!!

:lol:


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> Maybe I'm old school, but the hardest thing I have with the D (which is the route I'm taking) is that *I said vows that were in good times and bad. So sometimes I feel like a bit of a hypocrite *that times are bad, and i was so mad at her for breaking hers, that I can just bail.
> 
> I guess on the plus side it proves that I actually took the vows seriously where she didn't. Just a random thought I felt like sharing.


Your vows were conditioned on hers and hers on yours. Traditional wedding vows contain the phrase, "forsaking all others." She was in love with the other man the whole time. She did not say her vows in good faith. As a result, you never had a real marriage, so you should rid yourself of the thought that you're a hypocrite.

As you took your vows, you were standing there thinking about what a happy life you and her would have together; she was standing there hoping that she would somehow be able to forget about her true love other man who dumped her and someday have the same feeling for you. It didn't happen.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> I see it oh so very clearly now, and will be better apt to deal with it in the future/prevent it, but at the time I was clueless.
> 
> He is a loser, but *he one upped me on my wife*, I guess ill take solace in that I'll one up him on life. haha.
> 
> Thank you . Ill find the right woman when I'm ready and hopefully itll be better than this time.


I wouldn't agree that he "one upped" you on your wife. You were not competing with him for her, nor should you have been. You were not even aware that a competition was taking place. If you had been competing with him, you very well may have won. More likely, you would have decided not to play.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

StagesOfGrief;1004105[B said:


> ]*Maybe I'm old school, but the hardest thing I have with the D (which is the route I'm taking) is that I said vows that were in good times and bad*.[/B] So sometimes I feel like a bit of a hypocrite that times are bad, and i was so mad at her for breaking hers, that I can just bail.
> 
> I guess on the plus side it proves that I actually took the vows seriously where she didn't. Just a random thought I felt like sharing.


I'm right there with you. In my case it was : in sickness and in health and till death do we part.

I believe that when you say a vow you better mean it


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> I wouldn't agree that he "one upped" you on your wife. You were not competing with him for her, nor should you have been. You were not even aware that a competition was taking place. If you had been competing with him, you very well may have won. More likely, you would have decided not to play.


Oh you're right on that one, I wouldn't have played. I appreciate the insight on that one


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Malaise said:


> I'm right there with you. In my case it was : in sickness and in health and till death do we part.
> 
> I believe that when you say a vow you better mean it


I hear you, I absolutely struggle with the same context of the vow. When I said my vows I absolutely meant them, but its unfortunate that my WS threw hers away so easily. If I was 5 years or even 10 years in with her I could say right now I'd reconcile, but she cheated 2 months in, I just don't think we have the foundation behind it to recover. There's also the saying that when someone shows you who the really are, believe them....well I believe her, and I have 0 confidence that she would never cheat again. 

Doesn't mean me ending my vows makes it any easier. I wish you the best of luck! Are you separated or thinking about divorce or?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Will K wrote


> She did not say her vows in good faith.


This. She was physical with him very few months before the wedding, she never stopped loving him, she become physical very soon after the wedding too while the emotional relationship was going on all the while. I wonder whether they talked on the wedding day. *It was a fraud*. It was never a marriage.
Sorry man. You didn't deserve it.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> I hear you, I absolutely struggle with the same context of the vow. When I said my vows I absolutely meant them, but its unfortunate that my WS threw hers away so easily. If I was 5 years or even 10 years in with her I could say right now I'd reconcile, but she cheated 2 months in, I just don't think we have the foundation behind it to recover. There's also the saying that when someone shows you who the really are, believe them....well I believe her, and I have 0 confidence that she would never cheat again.
> 
> Doesn't mean me ending my vows makes it any easier. I wish you the best of luck! Are you separated or thinking about divorce or?


There was no infidelity. She was diagnosed with leukemia and died two years later. It still hurts and that was 20 years ago.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Malaise said:


> There was no infidelity. She was diagnosed with leukemia and died two years later. It still hurts and that was 20 years ago.


Oh man, I know it was awhile ago but I'm sorry, I wish you nothing but continued strength in your hurt .


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Will K wrote
> This. She was physical with him very few months before the wedding, she never stopped loving him, she become physical very soon after the wedding too while the emotional relationship was going on all the while. I wonder whether they talked on the wedding day. *It was a fraud*. It was never a marriage.
> Sorry man. You didn't deserve it.


I actually forgot about it, but you just mentioning it a few days later she did say he called asking if she was sure she wanted to go through with this. Holy crap I forgot all about that.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> A lot of single women eventually get tired of riding the alpha c0ck bad boy carousel and decide to settle down with a nice, stable guy, especially when they are saddled with Alpha spawn. Unfortunately, the sexual attraction (which most women start losing 4-7 years into a relationship in the best cases) for the provider male is soon lost; he just doesn't give her the tingly crotch like the bad boys. Soon, she's got an affair with a bad boy going.
> 
> I always considered single moms to be a trap. They want a daddy for their kids and a so-called "beta-provider."


This post is pretty offensive and sexist.. There are many single moms who are not looking for a meal-ticket. or surrogate father for their children.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Update: 

I've been lurking on other people's threads, and providing a little advice where I could with adding the caveat that I very much am not an expert and fully know throughout this process I have made mistakes. Today is a day of limbo. I'm usually strong and headed to D. 

I have met with a lawyer. I have drafted the papers. I am still at a friends house been over 3+ weeks now. 

I did have a 3rd D-day last week. Where I did find out the full details of the affair. She brought the full truth forward. Well the PA part, I already knew the EA part. It was over 5 weeks. 6 times with the same guy.

Since I left she's had 4 IC appointments that she scheduled on her own, and attended (i confirmed this later to be true). She's read Not Just Friends (ironically on her own accord). She offered to sign a Post Nup, take a polygraph whenever I wanted her to, full transparency into her life, all passwords, an official NC letter to OM, a letter of NC and apology to the OM mother (her ex fiances mom - this holds value because his mother is very traditional with strong traditional values and this would expose it completely to his whole family -- he doesn't have a significant other). And the other things like MC, etc. 

She's placed no blame on me, as there was none for me to take anyways. I openly admit that in wakes of my first D-days of discovering the EA I rug swept like a MOFO because I was too scared to lose my precious wife. Being out of the house now for 3+ weeks, exploring my legal options, working on me...I don't feel the fear of losing her. I don't want to paint a rosey picture, but it feels like she may be out of the fog and that the cold reality of her actions has hit her. I feel like she is genuinely feeling remorse...am I wrong? 

I know the closer you cheat to a saying your vows the larger the character flaw is. I guess my question is, is there any true hope here? The measures she brought forward are pretty stern. Were a young couple and I know the time spent to repair this will equal or exceed the time weve been together.

I'm still headed towards divorce in my mind, today is a day where i find myself in limbo, and I know that if anyone would have sound advice itd be from this board. 

I guess my question is -- i know the the likelihood of someone who cheats so early is that theyll cheat again, but with true remorse and truly hardwork and heavy lifting on her part is this something other young couples have overcome? Or am I having a day of weakness...


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

I texted one of my best friends about this, and he just called and told me I was a fu*king idiot to be even thinking about it, and that if I ever get my balls back hes going to kick my ass himself.. Haha, god I love my friends. 

I guess that was a bit of cold dose reality I needed. Any other input though would be appreciated.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You've got good level headed friends.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You had D days going way back, you called out the relationship before being married and got led to, you talked to her, you saw the texts, video, fb. It goes on and on. She swore on her daughter.

Even of she's stopped for bit she will start back up with him, she should never have dated or married you. Everything she has done to you has been filled with lies.

My advice is to D or even get an annulment if you can, and chaulk this up as a hard learned life lesson.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Stages

I am a pro R guy all the way.

But I have to say you guys are not married very long. And the way she conducted her cheating before and during your marriage really makes me think that your wife is

*nuts!*
:scratchhead:

If you are not sure what to do give it a few months to straighten out your emotions and make a rational decision.

But I think your friends might be right.

Can I ask you why you are not home and she is not living on a friends couch???

Why not move back in and have her go back home to Mommy and Daddy's house so she can think about what she did to destroy your marriage.

One thing you have right though, you had nothing to do with her cheating.

I think you will see there are better fish in the sea.

Throw this one back. 

HM64


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Good for her to actually identify and do all the right stuff. But this is too late and the relationship is too broken to be mended. Tell her to take the lessons from this marriage and treat her next man better. And wish her the best in life.



> I had a gut feeling the EA had gone to PA during this time but she denied it, *swore on her family*, god, *her daughter*.


Hard to trust such a woman


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You had D days going way back, you called out the relationship before being married and got led to, you talked to her, you saw the texts, video, fb. It goes on and on. She swore on her daughter.
> 
> Even of she's stopped for bit she will start back up with him, she should never have dated or married you. Everything she has done to you has been filled with lies.
> 
> My advice is to D or even get an annulment if you can, and chaulk this up as a hard learned life lesson.


Yeah, I know deep down you're right. When she revealed the truth of the affair or at least what I believe it is. When i found out about her EA in early May the actual affair continued from end of April to end of May. So even after reveal that time where i took my hardest stance it didnt stop her. 

If it all came out in one solid dose I probably could have stuck around and tried to fix it, but my issue is actually more about the constant lying than the sex. Her affair continued after we changed her number, talked with her parents, talked with my parents, set boundaries again. How'd the affair continue? She'd go to his workplace during lunch.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Just realized after re-reading the first post that the videos you found out were sex-tapes. Sorry man!! 

Are you getting an annulment or divorce?


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Stages
> Can I ask you why you are not home and she is not living on a friends couch???
> HM64


This one I fully admit is part of me both being a nice guy and easier for me. I truly adore her daughter and she is innocent and they are figuring out the room situation at her parents house (not a very big house). I want the daughter to transition as comfortable as possible. I could have pushed this harder, but I didnt, also because they wouldnt be able to move the furniture for awhile (a few more weeks).

While i know i did no wrong the emotions are pretty crippling and I didnt want to be in my house and have to look at her princess room I made her for when she moved in. I didnt want to live in those reminders. Everyone heals a bit differently but I'm too much of a sissy right now to sit in that house alone. That's the honest truth.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Just realized after re-reading the first post that the videos you found out were sex-tapes. Sorry man!!
> 
> Are you getting an annulment or divorce?


yeah those are brutal memories that will probably never leave my head but ill work on it. those ended up actually being recorded in november before we were married, but to me it still makes no difference. We were in a relationship and she made videos with the OM....the way i think about it in my mind is like when a serial killer takes "trophies" off of their victim...i looked at these videos as like the "trophy" of their cheating on me.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

In regards to an annulment or a divorce. I am not ashamed of my marriage. I don't regret my marriage. I made a decision based off the information and the person I thought I knew. My intentions were good, Im comfortable with that. She's not coming after me for anything and while my lawyer said I had a great case for an annulment he did say the divorce would probably be quicker and easier. 

Im ok with being a statistic, it wasnt my actions that led to me becoming a statistic.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Good for her to actually identify and do all the right stuff. But this is too late and the relationship is too broken to be mended. Tell her to take the lessons from this marriage and treat her next man better. And wish her the best in life.
> 
> 
> 
> Hard to trust such a woman


Yeah this is the part that kind of sucks. It would have been so much easier if she didnt wake up until later, but she did wake up. I kind of realized though that my thoughts are in love with what we could have been or should have been, but thats just a fantasy because thats not who we can be anymore because what happened will always define us. 

And I guess I'm a little selfish, I love the idea of a honeymoon phase in a marriage you know, that's part of life, mine got robbed from me...I want my f*cking honeymoon phase damnt! I guess another woman in a different time


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I you are handling this with a solid head over your shoulders and with grace. That little girl is going t osuffer ecen more. I just don't get how any woman can just trash a marriage with a guy like you seem to be.
I really hope she get solid IC for a while, she's a reall mess. You can have empathy, you can even encourage her but If I were you I'd diver her yesterday.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Yeah this is the part that kind of sucks. It would have been so much easier if she didnt wake up until later, but she did wake up


It doesn't matter at all. Did you happen to spend a lot on her in the marriage?


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> It doesn't matter at all. Did you happen to spend a lot on her in the marriage?


Yeah, I did. She never asked for much, she really wasn't after my money. I know gifts don't buy happiness, but every once in a while I'd catch her looking at something in a magazine or she'd see a commercial on TV and I could just tell it would make her smile. 

I didn't give gifts to throw around money or try to earn her love, because while I am naive - I'm not completely stupid. They were gifts because that's just who I am and I could have the opportunity to make her life just a little bit better. 

I don't know...maybe that's naive, but I still have faith that there are good women out there that would appreciate that. I know I have to be stronger in general with boundaries, but I'm not going to change me too much. I'm pretty happy with who I am, and we are all works in progress arent we? Until our very last breath.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I you are handling this with a solid head over your shoulders and with grace. That little girl is going t osuffer ecen more. I just don't get how any woman can just trash a marriage with a guy like you seem to be.
> I really hope she get solid IC for a while, she's a reall mess. You can have empathy, you can even encourage her but If I were you I'd diver her yesterday.


Well thank you, but believe you and me that I am making PLENTY of mistakes along the way, there would be plenty more without this forum.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

It took me awhile of being on the fence. I filed for divorce today. I know none of this is my fault, but today is a freaking horrible day. I feel like I've lost part of me. 

Not going to lie, and have no shame in saying that even though i'm a grown ass man, I cried like a baby today.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

If you didn't feel sadness for what you have lost you wouldn't be human, just a souless machine.

I wonder if your X feels as badly as you do.

This is another stage. Eventually you'll feel better but I won't bs you and say when.

I hate cliches but sometimes they are right. ' Times heals all '

It worked for me. Good luck to you in the future.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Malaise said:


> If you didn't feel sadness for what you have lost you wouldn't be human, just a souless machine.
> 
> I wonder if your X feels as badly as you do.
> 
> ...


That's a good perspective, thanks that actually helped. I should be a lot more worried if I felt nothing for what I lost. 

I believe she does. I think she really did have a wakeup call and realized what she wanted. She was displaying true remorse, but the shortness of our marriage to her infidelity and all the lies and not having a lot to fall back on just didn't leave enough there for me to want to try. 

Thank you, i just hope time starts moving faster ! ha


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ Its a good thing you're doing. This woman betrayed you within two months, and even swore on her family and her own daughter while telling lies. This woman cannot be trusted, and theres really no marriage to save with how fast she cheated. 

Trust me, life gets better after you move from them. There are plenty of women who want to be in good and honest relationships with decent men. 

I'm not too keen on divorce rulings so early in, so is there any spousal support? Just uncontested?

The one thing I do know about annulments is that if the marriage is annulled no spousal support can be granted.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

OP, are you still staying at your friends house?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Heyy SOG,

Sorry that you are feeling down and are upset.

I truly understand your loss.

And you are right, there is not enough to save.

Your wife was really never your wife.

I get that.

And I bet she knows how much you loved her, sadly she will realize just how much when she really wakes up from the fog.

And that can be a long time from now.

Take care of yourself.Heal.

Life will get better. And you will find much better.

Keep looking. It took me a while but i found better.

HM64


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Kasler said:


> ^ Its a good thing you're doing. This woman betrayed you within two months, and even swore on her family and her own daughter while telling lies. This woman cannot be trusted, and theres really no marriage to save with how fast she cheated.
> 
> Trust me, life gets better after you move from them. There are plenty of women who want to be in good and honest relationships with decent men.
> 
> ...



Thank you for your support and words . 

Were both doing this without lawyers and she says she only wants what she came with, which is fine. So i don't believe there will be any support.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

keko said:


> OP, are you still staying at your friends house?


I went back home for a few weeks. I am going out of town tomorrow, but when I get back I'll go back to my house even if its stupid awkward until she can leave.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Heyy SOG,
> 
> Sorry that you are feeling down and are upset.
> 
> ...


I think she's woken up, but she's only really starting to feel the consequences. It's hard for me to see her so torn up because i did love her so purely, but i know that we are where we are because of her actions. Its just not a life i can live. 

I appreciate your down to earth words, I will take my time to heal. Im typically a slow healer, so ill take my time. I'm in no rush. When the time is right I'll know and start looking for someone. 

I'm happy that you were able to rise above everything and find someone better for you, that is an encouraging story!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> I went back home for a few weeks. I am going out of town tomorrow, but when I get back I'll go back to my house even if its stupid awkward until she can leave.


Keep a voice recoder on yourself and around the house once you get back. There are plenty of examples of false accusations in getting the BS locked up for domestic violence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> I think she's woken up,


I highly doubt that. A person to cheat during the honeymoon phase, even swearing on her child's life only for it to end up a lie isn't capable of understanding what her actions resulted in. Not now not anytime soon. Maybe after she gets dumped 10-20 more times, starts living on welfare and basically has to beg for piece of bread and no longer is physically attractive may she realize what she truly lost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

keko said:


> I highly doubt that. A person to cheat during the honeymoon phase, even swearing on her child's life only for it to end up a lie isn't capable of understanding what her actions resulted in. Not now not anytime soon. Maybe after she gets dumped 10-20 more times, starts living on welfare and basically has to beg for piece of bread and no longer is physically attractive may she realize what she truly lost.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I always have been a bit naive, and glass half full, but at the end of the day you're probably right. She could win an Oscar for some of her performances.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Female Hypergamy is the reigning principle. It's totally basic to female attraction.


This.
this.
THIS.
_this_
T H I S !

OP should figure out what he thinks his time is worth, per hour, in dollars, and send this woman a bill for remuneration for wasting his time and his life with her, when he could have found a woman that would LOVE him for who he was in that time.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

StagesOfGrief said:


> I always have been a bit naive, and glass half full, but at the end of the day you're probably right. She could win an Oscar for some of her performances.


Quote from a forum for cheaters that was a "diamond bullet through the forehead" for me:



> It is not our amazing lying ability which saves us, it is the fact our partners want to believe us. I have had a few episodes of these omg does he know. Usually sex distracted H enough he would be happy.


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