# Can you say that after trying something new with time you may learn to enjoy it?



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

I have a question.

I have made peace with the fact that my wife will never act the way I dream about when having something special around sex. i.e., anal sex, dp with toys and me, or at the end of a bj. And, following the advise I found here, I am not longer pressuring her into being someone she is not; however, I want to ask the ladies here, have you ever gone from giving something to your husbands that was not your cup of tea, and after a while and many times doing it for love to him, you actually started to enjoy it and wanting it to happen from time to time - I just want to know if with time, love, patients, and care, my wife may start enjoying some things she does for me.....when we do things I know she wants and enjoys very much, I make sure I do my very best to touch all her buttons so she can really enjoy me and herself - she goes bananas when we make love...really bananas....she put her toung in my ears, suck my nipples and move like I feel the one being made love to....but, if there is a chance that with time she may like those things we do from time to time, it will be great news.....

Thanks


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

In short, yes.

I won't get into dirty details, but there have been things that he tried on me and at first I was all "Whoa... uh, really?" and then over time, I started to find them very erotic and enjoyable. Somethings that are our little funny secret. Sexual things that to say out loud would be hilarious, but he enjoys them and since they have become a fixture in our repretrois, I get turned on by them too.

I think it has less to do w/ the acts themselves and more to do w/ the way pleasing my man makes me feel- and the intimacy it creates...especially some of the weird stuff.

I just want to be his fantasy. I want him to be able to come to me to try things and not go looking on the computer for porn or feel like he has to fantasize about other women who might do these things for him.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

One day I was talking about blow jobs and men licking pu$$$ with my husband. 

My husband said that men just love to go down on their women and licking them, they love doing it. 

I said: Giving blow jobs is tiring, we don't enjoy it. It is solely for our men's pleasure. And our jaws get sore if we want to do a good job. 

My husband said that men's tongues get tired too, but they still enjoy doing it, because men love doing it. 

After this conversation, I have a total different view about blow jobs now. 

I have always been giving my husband blow jobs, now I enjoy doing it, because I love him. 

For other exploration, it takes me a few times to get used to it. If I like it, we continue. If it is too much pain for me, we stop.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

If I have to do things I don't like over and over again, it is very irritating and I begin to dread it. Eventually there comes a time where I have to put my foot down and say "no, I won't be doing this anymore". So maybe you should focus on the things she DOES like and going with that. You said she goes wild in bed, enjoy it! Make lemons out of lemonade as they say


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Thanks for your views...they are appreciated...I like the point that has to do with feeling closer to your husband by making him feel good.....I also understand that I need to listen and be happy with what I have...it would be nice, however, if after a while, my wife could feel more comfortable....may the word is to start feeling aroused with them...I mean when we make love is mind blowing for both of us...she really gets into it...but when we do other stuff, she does not, it seems to me, get aroused at least the same as the vaginal penetration....For example, a wish of mine is for her to enjoy giving me a bj...she now does a good job but, to me is like she is doing the best to please me rather than she just relax and make me feel that she is enjoying it all the way until finished and beyond...to me with the best possible scenario look at my wife and see she cannot get enough of me even after coming. Today, is good but not the kind of good I am looking for to feel....I am happy and don't say anything to her....but I was wondering if with time, she may start enjoying it more....the same with anal....last time, she seems to be relax as she was able to take me completely but I guess, I should have taken longer to make sure she was pain / pressure free before stroking....anyways, I know I have a lot compare to many couples but I feel no shame is trying to understand more how the woman head works......thanks


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

We'll I love giving blow jobs, my jaw never gets sore...lips get a lil raw but BJ's make them all puffy and sexy so it's cool. My husband said I was blessed with to vaginas, and one is in my mouth...he's right, it's not AS physically stimulating as intercourse but it as mentally exciting to me. If I ever don't feel into what we are doing I will give a BJ and that instantly makes me wet and turned on.

I don't like anal. I don't know if it will ever be anything I enjoy or claim is a turn on. But I am gonna play with it and do it for my hubby and hope one day it's as exciting for me as it is to him.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Idontknownow said:


> We'll I love giving blow jobs, my jaw never gets sore...lips get a lil raw but BJ's make them all puffy and sexy so it's cool. My husband said I was blessed with to vaginas, and one is in my mouth...he's right, it's not AS physically stimulating as intercourse but it as mentally exciting to me. If I ever don't feel into what we are doing I will give a BJ and that instantly makes me wet and turned on.
> 
> I don't like anal. I don't know if it will ever be anything I enjoy or claim is a turn on. But I am gonna play with it and do it for my hubby and hope one day it's as exciting for me as it is to him.


I like your attitude...my wife told me that everything was possible with time, patients and love....and I love her for that...a year ago, it seems impossible. It is difficult, however, do something else, and stop feeling that level of desire from her towards me....I guess, one can't have everything....I am a lucky man that I can have anal sex with my W, and she says that is not too bad, but I don't know if she makes noises out of pleasure or pain (when I asked her she says that was ok -which I guess mean it hurts) so my question was could it be that after 10 or 20 times of doing it with care, time, and love, she may, at some point if I take enough time and stimulate her enough, maybe she stop feeling pressure and pain?....I've been told that pain and pressure need to go away for the woman to feel pleasure...and if so, is there a technique?


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

A friend of mine told me the only way she enjoys anal...and she REALLY enjoys it is if she has control over it. She has to be in doggie with him holding still and she is the one who backs up on him and controls the speed and pressure and brings herself to orgasm that way. It's a completely different and pleasureless experience if he takes over.

We don't know what works for us yet, so we are going to try both ways. I am really nervous because the last 2 times we tried he tore me. If that happens frequently I will honestly stop doing it. It was to painful for to long for it to be worth it.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Idontknownow said:


> A friend of mine told me the only way she enjoys anal...and she REALLY enjoys it is if she has control over it. She has to be in doggie with him holding still and she is the one who backs up on him and controls the speed and pressure and brings herself to orgasm that way. It's a completely different and pleasureless experience if he takes over.
> 
> We don't know what works for us yet, so we are going to try both ways. I am really nervous because the last 2 times we tried he tore me. If that happens frequently I will honestly stop doing it. It was to painful for to long for it to be worth it.


That's suck!...I'll tell you a secret, I try myself, and small objects such as butt plug or small dildo, I can take but a full size penis dildo is not an easy thing....I mean, I understand what I am asking...and the fact that she lets me do it once a week (usually Saturday or Sunday mornings when she is relaxed)...but is still frustrating not know what to do to help the process of stretching and relaxing to the point where the pain stops and feelings of pleasure can kick in....I mean, I just want for my wife to enjoy as much as I do....I stopped asking for it at nights because I rather feeling her really into it during the nights; otherwise, is boring...so weekends in the morning is like ok I'll give you this...but I am still in my quest trying to find a magic formula - can you imagine something natural that would help you to stretch and stop feeling pressure or pain..that guy would make millions.....


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

That'd be nice. I have been trying stuff at home to get ready for his homecoming and using the anal ease from Adam and Eve does help me, also some wine lol.

It will interesting to see how it goes when he gets back.

I don't really think everyone can be expected to enjoy all of the exact same things another person does. Finding the compromise is the important part. The most important thing is she is will to please you, allot of men don't have even that.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Marco Anal sex is strange - sometimes it is good and at other times no. I can not figure out why it is pleasant feeling one time and painful the next and we do nothing different. I just think it depends on how relaxed I am to begin with. I don't think you can do it on a schedule because you may start and find it is just not a good time for it. I know as soon as we start to prepare if I will be able to relax or not. 

Because it varies from time to time, I am the one that gives the green light as to when it is going to happen and I control the rate and depth of penetration. If my husband demanded it on a certain day no matter how I felt and pounded away, I would probably leave his azzzz rather than endure such punishment but some woman put up with this in silence. 

Doggie style is the most painful of all positions, there again is the influence of porn but an inexperienced or infrequent partaker of anal will rarely be able to tolerate anal doggie style, especially if her partner pounds away that is excruciatingly painful. I will say again that many women will not say when they are being hurt they let the man finish and pray and hold on till the end. They do it to please the man. That is a dreadful way to have sex.They get very little appreciation though so, these may be the woman who stop doing some sex acts that seemed to be OK in the first few years, much to the confusion of her husband.

The best position for me is on my stomach with my H on top between my legs and me with pillow under my abdomen. If the technique the man uses is styled after porn, he will not get more than a few try's before the no entry sign goes up. 

Word to the wise: before you try it, read all you can with your partner and the one being penetrated has control. My first experience with a clueless bf was so painful that I swore it would not happen again. Did not try with my husband for many years and after much convincing and reading. 

The best lubricant is one of the silicone-based ones instead of water based. The water-based ones dry out too quickly and it becomes painful and feels like burning. Never use anal ease, it numbs the area so if she is being injured she will not know it until it is all over. Also, please don't use porn as an example of how to make anal pleasurable for a woman. It does not work when the man goes rapidly and hard it is extremely painful. 

Marco, your wife may be feeling pain at times when you have anal sex on a prescribed day. As I said above, the pleasure or pain depends on the relaxation of the receiver, some days you can relax some you cannot. Therefore she should be the one to decide if she can do it pain free on a particular day not you. Also, she needs to control how far in you go and how fast. 

Your fantasies about what you want - if they are from porn probably means that your wife has pain or discomfort each time you do this. Can you imagine that? If she is, she is enduring it for you! 

Please don't make this woman you love have pain just to fulfill a silly fantasy. Make sure she is not hurt tell her you want her to control every thing and if it hurts you stop right away. 

Take care of her, you will never never find another woman like her. Listen to her, be gentle and kind and drop any fantasy that she does not enjoy or that is painful, isn't she worth it? If she got fed up with being hurt and walked out, how would you feel? Where would you get another woman like her? I may be way off base but if you think this applies then I hope you will think about it.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

I love my wife and I just want for her to enjoy whatever we can have in the sex department. I now, however, that most of the things we do besides regular sex is because of me and she goes along for love....at some point this was not enough for me, I needed her to want to do those things with me..anal, bjs, toys,69, etc, but after reading here, I realized that I cannot expect my wife to change how she feels, but rather be patient and loving and not making big deals when things don't work out...but let me tell you that is all men high sex drive fantasy that his wife be sexy and want to enjoy their husband body and show it to them with desire....it is not porn, it is just passion and give themselve completly to their husband...this is my problem with all the issues around woman and sex....don't you suppose to want to be with your man and experience as much intimicy (emotional and physical) with them? - at least if you are in love?....of course you need to be healthy and all that...but just this morning I told my wife that the last few nights have been really enjoyable but I am doing all the work and I would rather not having sex tonight if she is not feeling like initiating sex, for a change, see this is my poing is not only about sex sex....is about feeling wanted loved....why women have such a hard time understanding that men feel loved only when the woman can't get their hand off them.....


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

Maybe it is my experience with separation over the past 7 years that has broadened my ability to show love but I think yours is to narrow and shallow.

My husband has been gone on deployments and training for exactly half of our marriage. We have been married for 7 years and he's been gone 3.5 years off collective separation. We haven't been able to have our hands all over each other. He needs support, kind and loving words and different kind of attention then the luxuries most couples experience being together all the time. 

How we express love and how we communicate it to one another is not JUST threw sex. We have allot of sex when he's home, but he even says that isnt the only way he can feel love. 

You should be doing all the work, your the person who wants it. If she wants something else then she should be doing all the work. She's complying with her wishes, she shouldn't have to be forced to completely change who she is to make you happy. Who are you in love with anyway? Her, or who you want her to be? If you tell her she made you happy and yet....just not happy enough, you are going to make her feel like whatever she does will never be enough.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Whether or not I grow to enjoy it depends on if I enjoy it the first time or two. I will try anything with my boyfriend, but it doesn't mean it will become a permanent part of our sex life. If he suggests something for us to try, unless it falls under one of the categories we already have discussed and determined as being off limits, I'll give it a try, even if I'm not sure I'll like it. But if I don't enjoy it by about the 2nd, maybe 3rd time tops, then I will just be honest and tell him that I'm sorry, I just don't enjoy it and I don't want to do it anymore. 

Fortunately, he's understanding enough to appreciate that I would make the effort, and he would respect my feelings and not ask me to continue to do it. And because he is so understanding and respectful, and I know he won't ask me to keep doing it if I don't enjoy it, that lets me feel more relaxed and open to trying different things with him. 

My ex used to want me to try things, and then even if I didn't enjoy them, he'd want to continue doing them and would either force me or just never stop bugging me for it. And truthfully, the constant bugging is about the biggest turn off there is. 

If you really want your wife to grow to enjoy things with you, you have to go about it in a way that lets her know that you don't want her to be uncomfortable and that you are willing to back off on anything she doesn't like.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

You and are on on opposite ends of the spectrum. If I know my wife doesn't enjoy it I don't want her to do it. It's not the act it's the motivation behind that does it for me.

My wife is much like GreenPearl's example she does things because she loves me and cares. Does she just love blowjobs NO, but she willingly and gets into giving them because she loves me......on a side note I can't remember the last time I recieved one and I finished though. Usually it always leads to sex which I much prefer anyway.

Frequency matters too you sound like you want this "funner/crazier sex" more often than not. I will tell you coming from a marriage that we've tried it all and bought it all it's pretty rare that our sex life goes into that realm. It's just tiring with work, kids, stress, drama.....the night has to be right to bust out the toys and get crazy flipping positions etc. 

You bring up anal that's a very touch subject and if you are even a average endowed man can be very painful. My wife will indulge me in that too, but to be honest I get nothing from it and it's a chore everytime anyway because IT HURTS no matter what lube we try.

With all the toys, lotions, even a liberator  most of our sex life is just carressing, kissing, and then sex 20-25 minutes and done. It's loving we know each others bodies and it works. Even from my perspective pulling out all the stops even half the time just isn't reasonable given our life. 

Lasty in you life Marc, can you think of things you didn't enjoy, but after doing them enjoy them now? I'm guessing you won't find too many. Your wife probably feels very pressured at this point I suggest reassurring her that you just want her without the hitch of doing a Swiss Army knife imitation.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> *I love my wife and I just want for her to enjoy whatever we can have in the sex department.* I now, however, that most of the things we do besides regular sex is because of me and she goes along for love....*at some point this was not enough for me*, I needed her to want to do those things with me..anal, bjs, toys,69, etc, but after reading here, I realized that I cannot expect my wife to change how she feels, but rather be patient and loving and not making big deals when things don't work out...but let me tell you that is all men high sex drive fantasy that *his wife be sexy and want to enjoy their husband body and show it to them with desire....it is not porn, it is just passion* and give themselve completly to their husband...this is my problem with all the issues around woman and sex....don't you suppose to want to be with your man and experience as much intimicy (emotional and physical) with them? - at least if you are in love?....of course you need to be healthy and all that...but just this morning I told my wife that the last few nights have been really enjoyable but I am doing all the work and I would rather not having sex tonight if she is not feeling like initiating sex, for a change, see this is my poing is not only about sex sex....is about feeling wanted loved....*why women have such a hard time understanding that men feel loved only when the woman can't get their hand off them.*....


Here's something that I wonder--when is any of this going to be "enough"? If "regular sex" wasn't enough for you any more, to the point where you honestly expect your wife to have weekly anal sex 20 times when you "should have made sure she wasn't in pain" before you feel she can decide whether she likes it or not...what will be next? Will you only feel wanted and loved if she'll do threesomes? Go to sex clubs? Homemade movies to post? I mean it sounds more like it's the thrill of the extreme and risque that gets you off than feelings of intimacy. 

And I have to tell you, most of the things you describe are things that I've enjoyed greatly at various times, it's certainly not a judgment on what you're doing, that I'm trying to make. I totally get experimenting and expanding horizons! However, had any of those been expected, demanded or worse yet, _scheduled_, I can tell you, enthusiasm and initiation would have been the last thing my partners would have gotten from me. The fact that she's doing all of these things over and over when it clearly isn't doing much for her is absolutely the greatest demonstration of love and intimacy you could have from her, believe me! She clearly WANTS you, WANTS to make you happy, WANTS to keep you with her, and LOVES you enough to give herself to you in all of these ways. 

Here's a thought I had while I was reading these posts. I think sex might be like food. I love to cook big elaborate meals for people. New recipes, beautiful plating and I do it because I love to see people eat what I cook. However, the reality is that not everyone likes everything I make. Some people like simpler food, or like mushrooms but not bell peppers, or really hungry for pizza just then or just aren't hungry that night. It doesn't mean they don't like me. Or food. Or generally the food I cook, they just like what they like and if I want to please them, I have to work around that. Like with sex, some people like one thing and not another, period. Sometimes they're in the mood for something and sometimes they aren't and sometimes they're just tired or distracted. But with either one, you work around what everyone likes and you have a much better time.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

I understand the points made here. What can I say...my wife has never be the kind of woman that think about sex, that surprises you in that department or that try to bring something to the table that make you feel that she is also investing in trying to keep the love alive and strong. To me, I just can't live the rest of my life having lausy sex....I just can't....when making love to my wife, I do things with my body to please her that she goes bananas, she looses control and half of the times she experiences 2 orgasms and afterwards, she can't stop telling me how much she loves me...so she enjoys sex with me right??....and I do my very best (work out everyday for the past 4 years) to make sure she stays attracted to me, so why I am wrong in wanting her to think about what she can do to put a smile in my face - it does not matter if she is not like this or like that, the point is that I don't need to be riminder that everything I want from our sex live is only my wanting and not hers...that sucks!...how can I stay with someone that never will want to be with me the ways I desire and need to feel sexy and passionate about her....when you have special things and they turned out to be memorable, then you think about them and that's enough to make you hot for your wife...when you only have the same old, can you really get to hot for your wife? I don't think so...and it is not lack of love, it is just being human.....I don't know what I am going to do since she keeps going back to her old ways, and that's kind of discouraging...I hate that I can't make my wife wants me like I want her...I hate that I cannot be happy with what I have....I hate that my wife doesn't communicate with me, I hate that she makes me feel like I am the only one in our relationship trying to keep the love strong....without feeling sexually attracted to your spouce can you really be happy?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Marco - Pandakiss makes a good point and I have brought this up before with you too. Are you making your wife feel inadequate? I know you come here to vent but if your wife knows you well and knows you aren't really happy with her in bed, even if she feels like she's putting forth the effort, maybe she's just shutting down? If she can't ever please you, why bother trying at all?

I don't know if anyone else feels this way but your last post is setting off all kinds of alarms to me that you are looking for justification to leave your wife because the sex just isn't ever going to live up to your expectations.

"my wife has never be the kind of woman that think about sex" - Did you know about her issues going into the marriage? If so, it's not fair to be demanding her to be different now. 

"why I am wrong in wanting her to think about what she can do to put a smile in my face " - All I've ever heard you talk about is what a wonderful husband you are and how you are the only one working on the relationship and she doesn't put forth any effort. What exactly do you do, besides sex, to meet her needs? To put her wants before your own? The only thing you've ever talked about is what YOU want and what YOU need and how YOU want to feel loved. How do you make her feel loved, besides physical affection?

"I hate that she makes me feel like I am the only one in our relationship trying to keep the love strong" - Sex is important in marriage but what else are you doing to keep the love strong? Does having sex with you 5 nights a week just not count?


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Okay, I see your points...I read my posts and I do sound desperate...well, sometimes I feel like that...it is difficult for me since I am very demostrative and expressive of how much I love her....I tried to stay calm and positive for weeks and not making a big deal because things in the bedroom may not be what I wanted or desired....I understand now that I have to meet my wife half a way, I love her very very much!...but I just can't ignore my feelings...and when I feel like she doesn't understand the importance of thinking in your partner even if doesn't come to you spontenausly, you, if are willing to fight for your relationship, should try to make an effort and think everyday for a few minutes what can I do today to put a smile on my husband face, it doesn't have to be spectacular, it could be she initiating sex, or telling me I look attractive, the same way I do to her.....anyhow, I know from reading my posts, I sound super difficult to please when it cannot be far from the truth, I just want to feel wanted, desired, and loved....those things speak to me i love you, doing my laundry, or fixing my clothes don't....the only thing that makes us a marriage is sex and behaving like boyfriend and girlfriend, the rest of our daily life, you could be with a sibling or parent, and the house would not end up in fire...


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Marcopoly - Several people have asked specific questions and you don't seem to be answering them. I'll be very direct.

Has your wife changed somehow during the marriage? It sounds like she has changed for the better. Did you know about her sexual issues when you married her?

What do you do to show your wife that you love her? Do you know her love language? Do you know what SHE needs to feel loved?

Could you be making her feel inadequate or criticized and that's why she is shutting down?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Marco When I read you last few post I have a strong feeling that you do not love the woman you married. People cannot change their basic personality and approach to life to please another even if it someone they love. Your wife is the product of her upbringing and early experiences. She is what she is. 

I have a strong feeling that you will eventually leave her because you can't make her into the person you desire. She keeps defaulting back to the person she is and there she is for someone to love. For some man, she is be a perfect mate, but at this point I don't think she is for you. 

When you finally give up on your project of trying to make your wife into someone she is not, I think you will find some woman who will convince you that she is all you want by making the appearance of being as sexually adventurous as you. 

I do feel for your wife and you, you are not wrong and neither is she. I do see pain for her in the future because I think you will leave her for someone else. The problem you will have is that as soon as you fall in love with the new woman, you will get the same result in the sex department that that you have with your wife. The new lady will default back to her true nature eventually. 

You may be searching for that perfect sex partner but, there are not many women who can keep up with the variety and frequency of the types of sex acts that you want on the frequency schedule that you demand. They may do it at first to impress you but sustained effort is difficult. 

Supposed your wife wanted you to turn into someone else - a man who was loving, mature, did not feel entitled to sexual trills at her expense, appreciative of the effort she makes to satisfy him, not pushing and pressuring her to a point of desperation, grateful for what he has and respectful of her as a person, compassionate, empathetic, calm and accepting. Could you turn yourself into that person? You would be much easier for her to live with, I think. You no doubt think that you should not have to turn into to someone else for the benefit of your wife. 

But you somehow feel entitled to require her turn into someone else. I think you mentioned that you worked really hard to get your family to this point and you felt you were entitled to the type of woman that you are trying to turn your wife into. But why isn't she entitled to have the type of man I described above? She had your children, kept your house, took care of you so that your could be a success while she held things down at home. She was a partner she did her job like you did yours, who is to say who is entitled to what. 

I hope you and your wife find ideal mates in the future.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Marco When I read you last few post I have a strong feeling that you do not love the woman you married. People cannot change their basic personality and approach to life to please another even if it someone they love. Your wife is the product of her upbringing and early experiences. She is what she is.
> 
> I have a strong feeling that you will eventually leave her because you can't make her into the person you desire. She keeps defaulting back to the person she is and there she is for someone to love. For some man, she is be a perfect mate, but at this point I don't think she is for you.
> 
> ...


I come here to vent and find support. I loved my wife and I have explained that most of the 22 years we've been together sex was in the back sit because we did not have financial stability. Once we achieved it, and were able to relax is when I realized I was not happy with our sex life and started to communicate with her...she new I wanted more from our sex life, but along the way, I found out that I also wanted to feel loved by means of telling you everyday, hugging eachother, kissing eachother, and find that place where bothe feel happy because we feel in love...the kind of love that make you think in marriage.....at the begining, I was not sure how to do this, thanks god I found this forum where most of the time I have found valuable information and advise (not the one above though), I guess, what I am doing now, is backing off and stay quite, when she is busy or nervous or not feeling well. I don't take it personal...if she is any of the above and still want to have sex, I know I probably have to do most of the work, but don't have to get upset, because I know when she feels relax, well, and find in me someone that actually give her a break when she needs it, in the way she needs it, she feel like really wanting to please me and she looks and feels completly into it. Thus, after all what I have said here, I am getting very close to find a way to control myself, and I appriciate my wife for everything she does to improve our relationship - this does not mean that we could still find ways to make our love more passionate but I feel now that she understands that from time to time I need to feel like my lover really wants me...and it has to be sexually demostrated....and she got it....at least, I can see it that she really wants me even more, when I come across as understanding and patients. I know, probably some time next week she, again, will forget about me for a while, but I have to keep cool, calm, loving and very lovingly remind her that I am here and that I am waiting for her to go back to show me honey...the same way I do for her everyday.....so please...don't come to conclusions....like I said, these past two days, I came here to vent so I spare my wife and as a result, last night, after a job interview, my lovely and beatiful wife make love to me in a way that was increadible....nothing too special but I felt welcome...some foreplay and beatiful and hot love making...and tonight I just let it happen and just enjoy what my wife is confortable doing....I am at the end of a long struggle between my sadness and desires and she understanding reasons and finding in herself to feel like this way for me....so thanks...:smthumbup:


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

justonelife said:


> Marcopoly - Several people have asked specific questions and you don't seem to be answering them. I'll be very direct.
> 
> Has your wife changed somehow during the marriage? It sounds like she has changed for the better. Did you know about her sexual issues when you married her? - yes, but we were young and had so much ahead of us to do that regular sex was okay...we did not have too much time to explore our bodies or anything like this...
> 
> What do you do to show your wife that you love her? Do you know her love language? Do you know what SHE needs to feel loved? - yes, i do, the real change came with her understanding that it was not my problem but a lot of marriages problems...she realized that to stay in love we need to invest in having a strong and loving intimacyCould you be making her feel inadequate or criticized and that's why she is shutting down? - I already understood that this is not the way to get anything from anybody, so I stopped critizising and I keep sharing with her information and things are working out for the better now


Anyway, at this point I come here when I need to vent to leave my wife along because after all she's changed for us, she deserves me to also change and meet her half a way, but this does not mean I can just ignore how she makes me feel sometimes...although she may not mean anything bad, it is my problem to have such expectations and I have to work at it...


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think you're too focused on sex, to be honest. You seem to be focused on what she does/doesn't do sexually to make you happy and show you love. But what about outside the bedroom? Does she do anything outside the bedroom to show you that she loves you and make you happy? Does she cook for you, clean for you, tell you with words that she loves you? Anything? Sex is not the only way to show someone you love them. It's also not the only way to make them happy. 

And honestly, I agree with the others about if you make her feel inadequate, she'll shut down. I love my boyfriend to death, and I am always up for trying something new with him. But if all he ever did was complain that I don't do it, or don't do it the way he thinks I should, or as often as he thinks I should, eventually I'm going to feel as though nothing I can do will please him and so why even try? 

That is the big difference between you and my boyfriend, and could be why you aren't getting the enthusiastic response you hope for. My boyfriend takes his time when we try new things. He doesn't rush me or force it, and he's not already thinking about the next thing he wants to try. He focuses on that moment with me, enjoying that moment, and making sure that I'm just as happy as he is. All of that makes me want to make him happy, makes me want to enjoy what we're doing, and makes me think of other things that might make him happy that I can do. 

It's about give and take. You talk about giving in your words, but from your tone, I feel that you seem to be wanting to mostly take.


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## inctpl (Mar 15, 2010)

My wife has certainly been this way. I will usually bring something up new to try, and sometimes the idea very gradually. 
And suprisingly she will really like some new things that she had never thought of herself. 
And others she won't be really interested in. 
One that took a while for her to warm up to was the vibrator/dildo. At first kinda iffy, but now she does enjoy.


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