# An emotional update



## goingthroughpain (Aug 16, 2012)

So I deleted my old thread here, saved the postings for future reference, and decided to move on with my life. While I lurked for a few weeks, I couldn't bring myself to post anything, and thought that, perhaps, I wouldn't be needing TAM anymore. Things actually seemed not too bad. But now, an emotional update:

As I said before, I was charged with assault during an altercation with my wife. While she initiated our argument and the fight (which was very minor. Some pushing, pulling and grabbing. You get worse on a crowded train). I managed to come out holding the short end of the stick.

I'm in school in a professional program that requires a clean criminal record, and even having a charge prevents me from staying in the program. My wife came forward to the crown, not to retract her statement, but to say that it wasn't as bad as she made it out to be. The thought being, the charge may be withdrawn or some alternate measures be taken in lieu of a conviction. Apparently, there is some pressure on her not to retract her statement. It makes her and the police look bad, so they encourage 'victims' to go all in. 

The crown is vacillating on whether they should proceed or not. They seem amenable to it, but I'm on a tight timeline. Fee's are due, and I'm already going to have to appeal them if I drop out on Monday. My lawyer seems to think we should know by then.

So...school is up in the air. I haven't bought books, but I have 3 papers and a presentation already due next week. I'm a good student, but it's hard to focus not knowing if I can stay at all in the program.

In divorce news, I finally had my court appearance for the ex parte. Nothing happened, but our lawyers hammered out a meeting time between the two of us for mid-October. It's hoped we can make an agreement then. She says social services says I can't see the kids unsupervised. This isn't true, as they told me that it was the courts decision, and they weren't going to be involved. Or perhaps we were told two different things, which wouldn't surprise me. Anyway, while I hate the supervised visits, they are better than nothing.

But there's a few things that are especially bothering me today.
First, we were supposed to have a visit this morning. The agency arrived at our (re: where wife lives now) house, and no one was home. Apparently, wife (or stbxw) didn't know when they would be coming, even though the time is set. So now I have to have an evening visit instead. 

Secondly, when I met social services for our first and only meeting, they said my eldest daughter would benefit from group therapy. I balked, stating that she's very healthy and mentally well. I related the entire fight and our relationship history, and while they acknowledged the inconsistencies between statements, they took a precautionary road. Fair enough I suppose. Yes, my wife and I fought, but nothing major in front of the kids except for healthy arguments (no raised voices, threats, or violence). But this morning, that's where my daughter was: play therapy. It's been over two months! And I worry what they say...am I to be labelled as a 'bad person' in this therapy? My eldest told me one visit that "Mommy can't see daddy because daddy would get mad at her". What a terrible statement! It places the blame squarely on me, and forces her to construct a view of the world that isn't in line with what she witnessed. 

It's at times like this that I hate the legal system. Stbxw's the abusive one (emotional and physical, long history there), but I put myself in the wrong place at the wrong time, protect my wife's integrity at my expense, and the world falls apart. I have to hope for something good out of our meeting in a few weeks time, but I'm a little concerned she'll be vindictive. She has to know she has the upper-hand, and I worry all the good memories we share will be shoved aside in favour of her reconstructed narrative about our relationship. Bah!

But what upset me the most about today. We manage to arrange for tonight, but I'm told by the agency supervising that the kids are to be picked up and dropped off at MIL and FIL's (a whole other situation there. They were abusive to stbx as a child, and we've had issues for years with their level of care with the kids), because stbx has an 'appointment' tonight. Ha! Appointment on Saturday night? She doesn't have the cojones to say she's on a date?

She is so unbalanced, so confused, so angry and vindictive. Yet at the same time, I know her to be scared, upset and vulnerable. She's the perennial victim, using whatever advantage she has to appear meek and unsure.

While we were dating and married, she blamed all her problems on her parents abuse, on her childhood bullying, on her teenage rape. A few months ago, she revised this list to include me and my supposed abuse. 

I really felt I was turning a corner. I thought I could get through this, but it hurts so much. I don't want her to date. I don't want the kids at her parents house. I don't want the oldest in therapy (unless it is helping. And I should hope they don't label one parent 'bad'.). I want my life back.

Deep breathes. I'll get through this. I have to maintain my positive, hopeful outlook. I have to be strong: for the kids and for myself.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

goingthroughpain said:


> So I deleted my old thread here, saved the postings for future reference, and decided to move on with my life. While I lurked for a few weeks, I couldn't bring myself to post anything, and thought that, perhaps, I wouldn't be needing TAM anymore. Things actually seemed not too bad. But now, an emotional update:
> 
> As I said before, I was charged with assault during an altercation with my wife. While she initiated our argument and the fight (which was very minor. Some pushing, pulling and grabbing. You get worse on a crowded train). I managed to come out holding the short end of the stick.
> 
> ...


GTP, I hope all goes well for you and you can stay in school. As for your daughter, in my experience most kids whose parents have gone through or are going through separation can benefit from counselling, and play therapy is perfect for the younger ones. Trust the professionals on this. It is not the role of a counsellor to label one parent as good and the other as bad. They are there to help the child.

Good luck.


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