# Didn't go through with it



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*

Hi
I've been reading through some threads here and someone suggested the site ppl.com to do a search on someone. Using this, I found my husband has a profile on a meetup site/app. The trouble is, I don't know how old it is - I don't recall him mentioning this particular site as one he was using before we got together, and the site won't let me do a search without signing up. So I don't know whether it's a new profile or one he had before we got together. I've only got the name and member number.
How do I find out without signing up? (It would give me away to him if I do it personally)

thanks all,

Metta


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*

Surely you have a 'friend' unknown to husband who wants to sign up for this site? Or you could just ask.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*

I don't think asking him is a good idea.

But having a friend create an account with a fake name would work. Then under the fake name you could check out his account.


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*



EleGirl said:


> I don't think asking him is a good idea.
> 
> But having a friend create an account with a fake name would work. Then under the fake name you could check out his account.


Thank you. You're right, asking him no good. Has a record as a expert liar (though not about this kind of thing).
Metta


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*

It is hard to fool Mom.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*

what is ppl.com? It seems to redirect to a power company.


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*



uhtred said:


> what is ppl.com? It seems to redirect to a power company.


Sorry,
https://pipl.com/, 

typo.


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*



SunCMars said:


> It is hard to fool Mom.


Might be a good idea for some, but mine too old and would not know how to do it or, would do it for that matter (too scared of stuff).
thanks anyway
Metta


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*

Just create a fake profile.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*

The site is not very accurate and in a few cases I tried, confused people with similar names. 




Miss Metta said:


> Sorry,
> https://pipl.com/,
> 
> typo.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*



Miss Metta said:


> Thank you. You're right, asking him no good. Has a record as a expert liar (though not about this kind of thing).


The guy's a talented *liar*. That likely means he's been lying to you about 'this kind of thing' *right along with all the other lies* he's managed to get you to believe. 

Why is it so difficult for you to take 5 minutes and create a free Yahoo or Gmail email address and make a fake account on this site so you can search for him? How would doing that _possibly_ 'give you away' to your lying husband? That doesn't even make sense.

And lastly, why are you choosing to stay with a *compulsive liar* who can't be honest with you about ANYTHING and you have to constantly play Nancy Drew to find out the REAL truth? What's the payoff in staying with a POS like that? There must be a payoff or you wouldn't be doing it.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*

Metta - can you access his email?

Use the built-in search feature to search for anything related to the dating site.

Also, if you install a keylogger on his computer and the profile is being actively used, you'll learn the username and password, gain access to the site and probably see when the account was created, activity, etc.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*

I did a similar search on my SO and a dating profile popped up. I Googled the site as I had never heard of it before, and turns out the site has been dead for several years. 

I vote for a friend setting up a fake profile and checking for you.


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*



She'sStillGotIt said:


> The guy's a talented *liar*. That likely means he's been lying to you about 'this kind of thing' *right along with all the other lies* he's managed to get you to believe.
> 
> Why is it so difficult for you to take 5 minutes and create a free Yahoo or Gmail email address and make a fake account on this site so you can search for him? How would doing that _possibly_ 'give you away' to your lying husband? That doesn't even make sense.
> 
> And lastly, why are you choosing to stay with a *compulsive liar* who can't be honest with you about ANYTHING and you have to constantly play Nancy Drew to find out the REAL truth? What's the payoff in staying with a POS like that? There must be a payoff or you wouldn't be doing it.


She'sStillGotIt - the profile might be old and out of use. The reason this may be the case is because there's a name associated with the profile of a woman whom I know he was doing meet sites with years ago, before me. She apparently got him involved and I'm not sure why, but when his name comes up as being with this site, her name is, too. So, it' says, " Mark Jones (for eg) with Jill Black (another example)" a bit like FB shows you 'friends'. There's no way she's in the picture, he left her years ago but they remained 'friends' for partying purposes before I was on the scene. He's not with her, she's in another state, I know for fact they haven't seen each other for years.

What is in it for me? I am in a vulnerable, dependent position and am trying to work my way back to health. Let's say we take all my suspicions and bits of this and bits of that, and chalk it up to extreme anxiety. This is a possibility. It is possible I am jumping at shadows out of my own issues. I keep this in mind. If we take that out, then as a husband, he's really good to me and for me. We have a lot of fun together and he's been so good to me, better than anyone and we are really great friends. So based on my history of anxiety, I don't want to jump the gun. 

He did lie to me big time for a year before we got married. He was using a lot of amphetamines. He confessed about a month before we got married. I did not try and get the confession out of him, he came to me and said he had something to tell me and admitted that. He said he was telling me because he thought I should know and then decide what I wanted to do. I knew something was up - I just didn't know what. But my mind worries that maybe there's more than drugs. I don't think he's using them again, and the reason is because he gets a foul temper when he's been on them, and secondly, the job he's currently doing does random drug testing and he cannot afford to get busted at work. So he's not doing that now, I'm sure of it.

So there is room for doubt. 
thanks for your thoughts
Metta


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*

Faithfulman: I cannot access email, he has a work laptop that he mostly leaves at work. I cannot access phone bill, his company pays for the phone. I suspect he's got a gmail address but I don't know what it is. Checking his phone is probably a waste of time (I've done it in the past, quite some years ago) as I suspect he would just delete every message and use private browsing. He may have another phone that he keeps at work. I have no way of knowing. I am still thinking of software if anyone knows of any that don't give themselves away. 

thanks again
Metta


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*

Possibly, but in my case, it was accurate as it also brought up the name he was associated with and that's not a coincidence.


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

For those of you following, I was going to install a VAR in husbands car while he is on trip.
I bought it, tested it, and then fretted for days for an opportunity to install it. 
I thought I would do it last night, but when I felt around under the seat, there was a stack of crap there
that I was worried about - might get cleared out - and I couldn't feel any springs (unlike my car) that might help hold it there.
Seat was also very low to the floor and he'd loaded a box behind it so I couldn't' access it that way.
Passenger seat had some cleaning materials under it and again, I though it risky in case he pulled them out.
So went to bed sleepless almost. Woke up at 4 am snuck out, then chickened out again and went back to bed.
Stayed awake another hour, watching light come over, and told myself, 'now or never'.
So snuck out again, grappled under the seat but I had to tape it, velcro was not enough.
Then I doubted the amount of tape so went back again and put another piece over it!
Soon after he got up and had coffee which meant he was leaving soon and then I started to cry and fret badly. I felt so _awful_ doing this and was feeling sick to my stomach.
Every fibre of my being wanted to not do it. I kept crying. He thought it anxiety about him leaving (that was partly it) and was trying to soothe me. And then I was feeling doubly terrible for
making him upset before he even started his trip! I kept apologising and trying to smile and be brave. And then even though I'd gone to all this trouble, I then wished to god I could reverse it. For a second I felt like confessing then and there, just so I could go and rip the thing out, explain it as serious anxiety that is driving me to crazy things, but I didn't. 
Then god acted and created a moment I wasn't expecting and despite the huge risk, I could have easily been caught, I went outside, opened the car and ripped out the VAR and left some sweets 
on his seat instead which made him happy as he loaded his car.
The second I ripped off the VAR and _didn't_ get caught, that was actually the riskiest time not any of the times I went to put it there - a huge weight fell off and I realised I couldn't
take the anxiety of 4 days worrying whether he would find it and that I _didn't_ want to do this to this man - what if I'm completely wrong, and I might be? An anxious person cannot
always go by 'gut'. I know this. This is what makes advice like, 'go with your gut' so hard to follow sometimes. Because sometimes the gut is right. But with anxiety, sometimes all you have is terrible fear and worry that masquerades as gut feelings which, over time, force action to try and get relief.
I decided I would rather feel 'clean' for the 4 days about my behaviour and stay in the dark about his.

As it turns out, my taping it up had stopped it somehow (I had turned it on before I put it under) and because I had hardly any room to move and couldn't see, I'd partly taped the mic, so it would have been useless, anyway.

I don't know why I'm bothering to share, it's a bit embarrassing, really. Only that I couldn't do it, not today, not this way. And that it's extremely hard to get clarity on what's gut feel and what's over-reading things, when you've been betrayed before more than once, including this current man, and _also_ suffer anxiety. And yes, I do see a psychologist from time to time, and I've talked about my fears and about his trip, but unfortunately she's been away and as it got closer to trip I probably needed the support but she wasn't there.
Please don't judge me for anxiety and paranoia - if it is that. Issues I have, for sure. I know it. It's so hard to know when someone has done something wrong before whether you are picking up vibes and signals or are so hypervigilant now that every little thing that's slightly 'off' is significant, and whether it's your own distress running amok.
Metta


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Try not to beat yourself up about it. Doing this stuff can be very confronting. Sometimes it can seem easier at the time to just put it all away and hope things will improve without it.

I did it for my (now ex) a few months back, and it was as emotionally draining as hell. I did so much testing and second guessing with regards to placement of VARs it was something I would not want to go thru again.

The one thing that kept me going, was the determination of an answer to all that was happening at the time that was causing me grief.

There may come a time down the track where you will feel better able to handle the implications of what you want to do. 

Remember, don't be hard on yourself, you are dealing with a high emotionally stressed situation and when the time is right, you will be better equipped to go through with it, should you wish to.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Miss Metta,

Do an experiment with the VAR in your car first to gain some experience. Try different placements etc.

Tamat


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It seems...

It seems to me, that his friends on the other side of the veil are stronger than yours.

One of your gut mates is telling you he is cheating.
Three of his got you to remove the VAR.

The truth lays underneath a veneer of doubt.
The doubt that he layered on.

Your love, your faith stands taller than your doubt.
Will do so until he fertilizes the adulterous Rose.
And then it blooms, looms large. 

Or not.




The Typist I-


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Miss Metta said:


> For those of you following, I was going to install a VAR in husbands car while he is on trip.
> I bought it, tested it, and then fretted for days for an opportunity to install it.
> I thought I would do it last night, but when I felt around under the seat, there was a stack of crap there
> that I was worried about - might get cleared out - and I couldn't feel any springs (unlike my car) that might help hold it there.
> ...


I feel so bad for you. No one should have to live like this and no husband should contribute to his wife so much anxiety.

With that said hire a PA. Life's too short.


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

Thank you, Tamat

Placement in my car whole different kettle of fish. My car, much easier to place, it's newer, seats aren't almost touching the floor and they're wire-sprung; I had a feel around for how I would do it in my car.
It was his that was the disappointment; I couldn't find a place to put it and soooo worried that he would reach under and pull out the rubbish there.
Plus, others use his vehicle. It's a work vehicle used on site, and others use it to drive around the site, eat lunch in or take a nap! So there's more than one person who has reason to put their hands under seats.
I found work gloves, brush and pan, bits of metal.....someone just has to want their workgloves and that's it, jig is up if there's a VAR taped there.
This is why I couldn't experiment in his vehicle before he left today, other people are in and out of it all day.
But, thank you.

Metta


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

Luminous said:


> Try not to beat yourself up about it. Doing this stuff can be very confronting. Sometimes it can seem easier at the time to just put it all away and hope things will improve without it.
> 
> I did it for my (now ex) a few months back, and it was as emotionally draining as hell. I did so much testing and second guessing with regards to placement of VARs it was something I would not want to go thru again.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your kindness and support. It's helped enormously.
Yes it is draining, I can hardly focus.
Can I ask, what tipped you off? What led to you using the VAR? Only if you want to share, of course....

Metta


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

It sounds like the anxiety of him finding out you were recording him was more stressful to you than the wondering of what's happening this weekend. That's okay. You have to pick your battles and understand your own limits and personality and tolerance for upheaval in your life. You were afraid of him finding the VAR but it sounds like a part of you also maybe didn't really want to know if he is cheating because then you'll have to deal with it. But I may be projecting my way of thinking onto you.

I am curious about one thing though - I haven't followed your story but it sounds like it is a known fact that he cheated on you in the past. You said "I _didn't_ want to do this to this man - what if I'm completely wrong, and I might be?" And you worried about being caught.

What would you be doing to him that was bad? He's lied to you before. You have anxiety. I personally don't think "spying" on a spouse who has cheated in the past is wrong. I see it as a way to independently verify that things are good. I've never cheated on someone but if I was married and I found my partner put a VAR in my car, I honestly think my reaction would be more concern for them and our relationship that they are so worried and what can I do to reassure them? Trust but verify.

I'm glad you yanked the VAR as 4 days of worrying it would be found would have clearly been incredibly stressful. But I'd think hard about -- what if I did get caught? Would he really have any right to be outraged when he has cheated before? And if he says he has nothing to hide, what is the big deal? (I guess it's a violation of privacy but you have real reason to be suspicious.)

Good luck. I hope you find your answer and that the answer is a good and happy one. But do listen to your gut. If you find yourself making excuses for things he says and does that don't make sense, it may be your subconscious covering for him so you don't have to deal with the truth. That's what I know I did in the past with cheaters.






Miss Metta said:


> For those of you following, I was going to install a VAR in husbands car while he is on trip.
> I bought it, tested it, and then fretted for days for an opportunity to install it.
> I thought I would do it last night, but when I felt around under the seat, there was a stack of crap there
> that I was worried about - might get cleared out - and I couldn't feel any springs (unlike my car) that might help hold it there.
> ...


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

sokillme said:


> I feel so bad for you. No one should have to live like this and no husband should contribute to his wife so much anxiety.
> 
> With that said hire a PA. Life's too short.



Thank you, your kind words brought tears to my eyes (although the responsible person in me says he doesn't cause it, I do this to myself, although, in truth, he was lying and hiding for a year and I had suspicions but no proof until it was confessed and so since then, much more anxiety than I started out with. So you're right, he contributes.
Metta


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*

I tried to do a fake profile but the site asked for my phone number to verify. I'm not prepared to do that.
Metta


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*

can you use a friend's phone number? Or can you get a cheat throwaway phone?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*

Is there any chance that he uses his phone at home when you are not there?


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*



EleGirl said:


> Is there any chance that he uses his phone at home when you are not there?


To make calls or to surf FB?
Yes.
He does both all the time while I am here, I'm sure he does it when I'm not.

why? (sorry if I sound naieve)

Metta


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*

I already paid a bunch for a VAR and extended memory card that I wound up not using, due to my cowardice and overwhelm, maybe I'll dictate a rather long memoir instead 

I am getting a bit exhausted planning and buying extra things just to find out. I tried to do the site quickly and casually.
If I do this site, do I then have to also sign up to Tinder and every possible meet app? Because that's what I feel I'd have to do, and drive myself insane with that. The whole VAR thing has me drained and sleepless.
Quicker and easier to install software (if I can find one that doesn't need to root the device first and doesn't give itself away, still looking) and would cover all bases.

so yes, I could possibly buy a phone but need to research that, too, (different country to you, burner phones not easily available)

I called a PI today but may be a bit 3 expensive and I don' have exact address of friend he's supposed to be visiting and when I search that name, get 3 different addresses all same area so that's no help, not sure where to send them.
sorry to sound resistant, Elegirl, you are helpful, I'm just exhausted from the last days and hours of waiting to do the VAR, the lack of sleep last night and crappy weather isn't helping
Metta


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Quick Question: Why a Timeline?*

Hi all
been reading through a few threads and come across several times that the WS once caught should do a detailed timeline. I'm wondering what the purpose is?

If I were given a detailed timeline it would be crushing; I wouldn't want to know what he did and when, it would create more pain. Enough for me to know that he wasn't faithful,
don't need to know what they did and all the grisly detail.

I get that it's probably to do with being totally open and for WS to face humiliation and consequences, possibly. Is that all?

thanks
Metta


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Is this a clue?*

I've noticed a couple of times that if husband is feeling anxious, particularly guilt about something, he becomes impotent. I've started to use this as a guide, though it's not 100% accurate.
The other day we were making love and then a car door slammed outside and suddenly he lost it and was unable to get it back (and kept apologizing).
He isn't usually noise or atmosphere sensitive, not at all!

As I am now fishing around for signs of infidelity, I remembered this today- originally I thought nothing of it, and it suddenly occurred to me, if he is having clandestine meet ups with married women (I doubt he would have an EA) and is doing it at their place, could his reaction at home be automatic based on being alert at other's place's and feeling guilt? It just seemed like an out of character response to me. If anyone was going to get cool based on a noise from outside it would be me, yet it didn't bother me, but somehow, did, him.

Or, could be just one of those things?

thanks all
Metta


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Quick Question: Why a Timeline?*

Yes, it has to do with being totally open.

A timeline could be as simple as the date of he met her, the date it turned into an affair and the date he ended the affair.

what often happens is that the betrayed spouse (BS) keeps wanting more information. So they ask a zillion questions, a little bit at a time. If you find yourself doing that, then a timeline can be very helpful. It puts things in perspective and gives a framework to hang things on as you learn them.

Some people want every detail. Some don't want much at all. So it's up to you.

When i found out that my husband was cheating i had to find out everything becasue he would not give any info. Instead he would only acknowledge what i found out and could prove. He cheated with about 10 women. I contacted every one of them via email, chat and on the phone. I also was able to hack into his email and chat accounts so had all all the emails and saved chats. So I never got any kind of timeline from him. But at the time, I also did not know that some people ask for timelines.


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Quick Question: Why a Timeline?*



EleGirl said:


> Yes, it has to do with being totally open.
> 
> A timeline could be as simple as the date of he met her, the date it turned into an affair and the date he ended the affair.
> 
> ...



OMG, Elegirl, 10 women? That's awful, I'm so sorry. How did you catch him? What clued you in? How long did it take? Were you in denial and making excuses for him like I might be doing?(not the first, I know). How are you now? This sort of thing is what I am afraid of with my h, not one, but multiple, possibly strangers. 
If you don't wish to share I understand. I think other women's experiences is helpful to me.
thanks again
Metta


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

MM, he doesn't contribute -- HE IS THE CAUSE of this. This isn't your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty. If you weren't getting these feelings that HE CAUSED, you wouldn't be in this situation. YOU shouldn't feel guilty about this.
This won't be resolved until you get some sort of verification that he is telling you the truth about things...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Re: Is this a clue?*

Maybe.

For best outcomes don't cough when he is 'busy'.
............................................................................

No, his sudden impotence due to noise is not a clue. 
He got distracted.

The thrill of the moment got 'slammed' away.

He senses your tension, your feelings. The car door slamming took him from his fantasy back to you.
Yes, that.


...........................................................................

Ii might be a clue that he is offering duty sex or that his little head is game, his heart is not.

...........................................................................

He could have been just tired.
If this happens often it would be a sign of some physical problem, or maybe from excessive M.B.

..........................................................................


He is driving you crazy, you are driving him away. MeThinks.





[THRD]


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: Is this a clue?*

Alone, no it's not a clue. Part of a pattern? It's a sign that something is wrong.

My first th ought when you said a car door slammed and he lost it, was that if it WAS a clue, it would be that he heard a car door and panicked and though his mistress just pulled up and was coming up the walk! But now I'm getting paranoid too! It could be so many things. He could be tired. He could be aging and finding it harder to stay erect, he could be having an affair, he could be put off by your suspicions...

I would look for a personality change and secretiveness and withdrawing in general, more than this one symptom.






Miss Metta said:


> I've noticed a couple of times that if husband is feeling anxious, particularly guilt about something, he becomes impotent. I've started to use this as a guide, though it's not 100% accurate.
> The other day we were making love and then a car door slammed outside and suddenly he lost it and was unable to get it back (and kept apologizing).
> He isn't usually noise or atmosphere sensitive, not at all!
> 
> ...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

*Re: Is this a clue?*



WorkingWife said:


> Alone, no it's not a clue. Part of a pattern?
> 
> I would look for a personality change and secretiveness and withdrawing in general, more than this one symptom.


I'll go with the above. Check phone records maybe.


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Is this a clue?*



SunCMars said:


> Maybe.
> 
> For best outcomes don't cough when he is 'busy'.
> ............................................................................
> ...


Ok, I can accept that (interrupting the fantasy that wasn't me)
but duty sex? Possibly but not so sure about. I had partner for whom it was duty sex, for sure so I know that animal.
He initiates often enough, I never say no, cause I like sex, it tends to be the same time same day
each week but that seems to be the only time but that seems ok for both of us.
Some days he says how fantastic it was and then later on thank me again for it. So that doesn't sound like duty sex. The duty sex guy
would never rave about it afterward. My h, he encourages me to buy toys, so I do. I ask him if he's got
anything he wants to do/try, just let me know. He hasn't yet, so I suppose there's always the 'he wants to do and try things, just not with me' argument

The only complaint (not voiced) I have is sometimes I feel like I have to act like a porn star for him to get going which is probably a legacy of his overuse of porn in the past, and possible current use.

As for sensing my tension, I think that's more apparent here on the board than at home and you are picking it up. At home we - and I - are silly, playful, warm and affectionate. I like being that way.
We have a a lot fun. He would agree.
But thank you for that insight

Metta


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Re: Is this a clue?*

OK!

Cut back on being a tad 'paranoid'. 

Have faith!

Every tire goes flat once in a while when used over bumpy terrain.


Age adds to the loss of phallus air.
Loss of hair, too.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Hon, I truly hope you are being proactive toward getting yourself financially independent from this man. This is NO way to live, being the marriage police. Ask me how I know. I did it for five years. It changed me forever, and not in a good way. 

I wish you all the best.


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Is this a clue?*



SunCMars said:


> OK!
> 
> Cut back on being a tad 'paranoid'.
> 
> ...


Cut back on being a tad 'paranoid'. 


This is the struggle and distress. I admit in another post that I am experiencing anxiety and paranoia, both of which I am constantly trying to talk myself out of and which I am constantly trying to reason with, tamper down, or slap down, whichever seems appropriate or will work. So my paranoia is worried I'm going to do something to it.

All was quiet for a while and the faith was there. The reason the dragon has reared its head is this trip he's doing. The last time , same trip, there were things that didn't add up, mostly in the form
of bank withdrawals that didn't make sense and seemed like over-kill. Too much cash for the bash. In the past, he lied to me exceptionally well about a speed addiction, and I don't mean driving a Ferrari. His behaviour was quite horrid at times (withdrawal) and I knew something was going on because of all the bank withdrawals but I didn't feel I could say anything. I just couldn't. At the same time, there were other things that weren't adding up that had me wondering and worried whether he was still seeing his sex buddies. At one point I accidentally busted him for porn which he can overuse. He had free reign to do this, all damn week, as we were miles apart for a year. When I visited where he lived at the time, things didn't add up. Things out of place..signs someone else had been there. He fessed up to the drug addiction a month before we were due to get married. To his credit, he offered it up, I didn't push though I had asked in the past whether he was still doing drugs. I was so relieved that it wasn't another woman that I forgave him but sometimes I wonder whether all he fessed up to was the lesser crime. I have not been able to get over how well and for how long he deceived me - this has me mistrustful, because usually I can spot a liar, and that he so damn good at it, even invents the most wonderful red herrings for me to catch and swallow, has me, well, alarmed. This is where the paranoia sets in. The last trip, the bank account and verbal statements and whereabouts didn't connect (has lied about whereabouts, too, said he was at one end of town, 5 mins later ATM withdrawal at other end of town) oh, soooo smoooooth he does it. I'm astonished how I fall for it. So my antennae twitch that this one is clever, very clever. And Im tired of living with the doubts which come and go, but rear themselves when he goes away. Like this time. And that's when it's paranoia party. And everything becomes grist for the unhealthy mill of ruminating. So yes, he carried a big lie for a year, but I can't shake the feeling that it wasn't the only one, and that now he's 'got' me so to speak, it's back to party city for him. I need to know who he is, not who or what he says he is. The faith will probably return when he does because I have to survive. My question, the reason for all this is he doing drugs again, or is he finding adventure with other highs, or is he innocent, which I dearly need him to be, and this is mostly my head on overdrive, because of the prior betrayal - so beautifully concocted, now has me full of doubt and fear.

Metta


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> Hon, I truly hope you are being proactive toward getting yourself financially independent from this man. This is NO way to live, being the marriage police. Ask me how I know. I did it for five years. It changed me forever, and not in a good way.
> 
> I wish you all the best.


Thank you Lucy, I am working on that, it's just taking longer than hoped.
Metta


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Re: Is this a clue?*

On drugs.....

On drugs anyone is a different person.
A person not to be trusted.

I would be paranoid too.
Yep.


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Is this a clue?*



WorkingWife said:


> Alone, no it's not a clue. Part of a pattern? It's a sign that something is wrong.
> 
> My first th ought when you said a car door slammed and he lost it, was that if it WAS a clue, it would be that he heard a car door and panicked and though his mistress just pulled up and was coming up the walk! But now I'm getting paranoid too! It could be so many things. He could be tired. He could be aging and finding it harder to stay erect, he could be having an affair, he could be put off by your suspicions...
> 
> I would look for a personality change and secretiveness and withdrawing in general, more than this one symptom.


Thank you. Unlikely to bring anyone home when I am out, because I am not out a lot. I do work but not much and I doubt he'd be able to leave his work to bring anyone home. And this was a Sunday.
An OW would have to be stupid to turn up when the guy is at home on a weekend!
Not withdrawing, but does spend a lot of time on phone and seems to flick screens when I come in.
Yes he's getting older.
Lots of dental appointments some of which can be accounted for but there's been so many I lost track. Always Friday afternoons. Again, could be me.
If he is up to something, I don't think it's because of me. I think it's because of his personality type that craves excitement.Which I do try and accommodate unless I'm really terrified of something. He used to sleep around a lot when younger.

thanks again
Metta


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Is this a clue?*

Miss Metta!!!!

Could you PLEASE ask one of the mods to consolidate all of your Many Many threads into One single thread? Are you this scattered in all aspects of your life? I'd wager not. 

So give the forum a break and keep it all together. You will be both easier to understand and start receiving more comprehensive input from members trying to help you.


----------



## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Miss Metta said:


> Thank you for your kindness and support. It's helped enormously.
> Yes it is draining, I can hardly focus.
> Can I ask, what tipped you off? What led to you using the VAR? Only if you want to share, of course....
> 
> Metta


What led to me going along this path was something completely random. A colleague of a close friend saw a profile online that he recognised. He mentioned it to my friend and my friend alerted me.

I looked at it as the universe telling me it was time to start investigating and getting answers.

As much as it sucked at the time (and truth be told it still does), it needed to happen for my own sense of sanity, and self respect. 

We (TAM) users are always here to offer a shoulder/ear, or to give advice if asked or feel it is necessary. 

When life feels like it is getting out of hand, just focus on the basics, and let it grow from there.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Quick Question: Why a Timeline?*

Why all the threads?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Quick Question: Why a Timeline?*



GusPolinski said:


> Why all the threads?


Because a question about a VAR is not the same as a question about timelines? 

But @Miss Metta if you do want your threads consolidated, please ask a Moderator.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*



Miss Metta said:


> ...and I don' have exact address of friend he's supposed to be visiting and when I search that name, get 3 different addresses all same area so that's no help, not sure where to send them.


Why on earth has he not even given you the address he'll be at for the next few days?

You don't see that as extremely shady?

If he hasn't left yet, I'd be sure to get the GPS location function working on his phone. He sounds slippery as hell if I'm being honest.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*

Ok I went through your thread history. WHY IN THE WORLD did you marry this man to begin with?? You have NEVER trusted him! You started posting about him lying back in 2013, only 4 months into your relationship! Stop all the sleuthing and just divorce him already! This is no way to live!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Quick Question: Why a Timeline?*



MattMatt said:


> Because a question about a VAR is not the same as a question about timelines?
> 
> But @Miss Metta if you do want your threads consolidated, please ask a Moderator.


Having multiple threads will serve only to discourage meaningful discourse.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

*Re: Quick Question: Why a Timeline?*

I think sometimes the BS also wants to know they weren't crazy. Let's say that weekend the WS said they were shopping with the girls and something didn't feel right. When the timeline says that the WS was actually with OM, it sort of...confirms the BS's own sanity to themselves? A lot of WS's gaslight and keep the BS off-kilter, so a written record that says, "See, I wasn't crazy!" can be helpful.

Regarding multiple threads, if all I wanted was an answer to specific questions without having to drag out my whole story, I'd probably ask them a thread at a time too. When you put it all on one, you get people pushing for more and more details and story, which can be triggering if you'd rather not hash it all out again. And some of us don't want to hear a big list of "what we SHOULD HAVE done."


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Re: Quick Question: Why a Timeline?*

A timeline lets the BS know how often and deep the betrayals were.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Quick Question: Why a Timeline?*



Miss Metta said:


> OMG, Elegirl, 10 women? That's awful, I'm so sorry. How did you catch him? What clued you in? How long did it take? Were you in denial and making excuses for him like I might be doing?(not the first, I know). How are you now? This sort of thing is what I am afraid of with my h, not one, but multiple, possibly strangers.
> If you don't wish to share I understand. I think other women's experiences is helpful to me.
> thanks again
> Metta


He traveled a LOT for work. I had zero suspicions. But night he went to bed and accidently left his computer on. In the morning I got up before him. As I walked by his computer, I heard chat chime. So I sat down and started chatting with the woman who was online. I knew about her, he never told her that he was married. So she was pretty suppressed. He'd been chatting with her for about 3 years and she thought that their relationship was going somewhere. So she was pretty hurt. After that, I started snooping/hacking. And boy was I shocked.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Miss Metta said:


> Thank you, your kind words brought tears to my eyes (although the responsible person in me says he doesn't cause it, I do this to myself, although, in truth, he was lying and hiding for a year and I had suspicions but no proof until it was confessed and so since then, much more anxiety than I started out with. So you're right, he contributes.
> Metta


He didn't contribute to it he is responsible for it. Honesty is a necessary foundation of marriage. You need to feel safe to be vulnerable with your spouse, you need vulnerability to have intimacy. Anyway in your situation is going to have doubts because he is being sneaky. They call it gas lighting and it's a terrible form of abuse. The fact that you blame yourself shows that you are not seeing this situation clearly. Also that you don't realize you are settling and that there is better out there if you want it.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: Is this a clue?*



Miss Metta said:


> Thank you. Unlikely to bring anyone home when I am out, because I am not out a lot. I do work but not much and I doubt he'd be able to leave his work to bring anyone home. And this was a Sunday.
> An OW would have to be stupid to turn up when the guy is at home on a weekend!
> Not withdrawing, but does spend a lot of time on phone and seems to flick screens when I come in.
> Yes he's getting older.
> ...


I was thinking more an angry affair partner showing up on his doorstep to confront him or beg for his undying love... But I have a pretty wild imagination myself. ;-)

Flicking the screen is an issue. He's hiding something. Could be porn, or chatting with a woman. Or reading topics he's embarrassed by.

The dental visits - dentists are expensive. How would he pay for them? Can you check credit card statements against the dates? Does he have a lot of dental issues? Friday could just be a slow day at work. But an uptick in needing to be gone at a certain time is worth investigating.

BTW - when he flicks his phone screen away, have you ever considered teasingly saying "What are you looking at?" and when he says nothing, or the news, or whatever, very playfully following up with "I saw you hide something... I need to know!" and playfully trying to wrestle the phone away from him? Maybe have some silly but harmless topics in mind, like, "Are you taking another one of those cosmo quizzes?" or "Are you finally trying to learn how to dance?" or "Still participating in the scrapbooking for men meetup group?" And giggle like it's all fun and games while you wrench the phone from his hand...

Something where you're not accusing and confronting, but more joking around. It's obvious he just hid what he was reading from you. And OF COURSE it must be TOTALLY INNOCENT so you're going to tease him about it a little...


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Is this a clue?*



syhoybenden said:


> Miss Metta!!!!
> 
> Could you PLEASE ask one of the mods to consolidate all of your Many Many threads into One single thread? Are you this scattered in all aspects of your life? I'd wager not.


Sometimes, somewhat. Moreso when I'm experiencing extreme anxiety, like I have been doing the last few weeks. But not 100%, scattered, that I'll grant you


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Is this a clue?*



WorkingWife said:


> I was thinking more an angry affair partner showing up on his doorstep to confront him or beg for his undying love... But I have a pretty wild imagination myself. ;-)
> 
> Flicking the screen is an issue. He's hiding something. Could be porn, or chatting with a woman. Or reading topics he's embarrassed by.
> 
> ...



Haha, we share that imagination...this is what I don't trust about myself.
Yes, he is flicking past something he doesn't want me to see and I like your suggestions.

Re the dentist visits, yes, there has been a lot of genuine dental work done. But I started to feel like there were more visits sort of out of the blue than seemed normal. Probably what triggered this is my ex used 'dental visits' whenever he was up to anything shady, both with myself and other people, it was his MO excuse for not being somewhere. So I think I've learned that many men in particular use dental visit as a cover.

I got the dental secretary to send me a detail of all the work for the entire year (which I needed to anyway because I was compiling a review of the year's spending ) and it looks to me like there's been many more visits than paid for. Here's where I wish I'd taken some notes because whilst some visits are paid for, others are simply follow ups and wouldn't appear on the invoice. But my first reaction when I looked at the invoice was, wow, that's far, far fewer visits (paid for) than he's said he's been". And then self-doubt kicks in because I did not take a note of every time he said he was going and some of those visits were definitely follow ups or check ins and not be paid for. Twice I went with him because I happened to want to do something in that area and I didn't get any resistance when I asked at the last minute. If on those occasions they were 'fake' visits, you'd imagine he'd fob me off but he didn't, he just said, yeah, sure come along. 
Fridays he gets off work earlier which makes appointments easier. However, I sometimes wonder whether he's actually getting off earlier than he says he is, doing something shady, AND still keeping the dentist appointment. The best liars, I understand, work with the truth.
thanks for your suggestions I might try that
Metta


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Quick Question: Why a Timeline?*



EleGirl said:


> He traveled a LOT for work. I had zero suspicions. But night he went to bed and accidently left his computer on. In the morning I got up before him. As I walked by his computer, I heard chat chime. So I sat down and started chatting with the woman who was online. I knew about her, he never told her that he was married. So she was pretty suppressed. He'd been chatting with her for about 3 years and she thought that their relationship was going somewhere. So she was pretty hurt. After that, I started snooping/hacking. And boy was I shocked.


Oh, wow I'm sorry. Darn, it's harder now that people use phones and not PCs that they leave open and available. That was bold of you to chat, did you pretend to be him?
When you say you started snooping/hacking, what did you do? (Looking for techniques and tips here).
It is possible H is doing stuff on computer, but he leaves it at work and it only comes home ocassionally. He's taken it with him on this trip though he doesn't need it - except if he's going to do porn, of course.
thanks
Metta


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Quick Question: Why a Timeline?*



MJJEAN said:


> A timeline lets the BS know how often and deep the betrayals were.


 Thank you for the clarification
Metta


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Quick Question: Why a Timeline?*



MattMatt said:


> Because a question about a VAR is not the same as a question about timelines?
> 
> But @Miss Metta if you do want your threads consolidated, please ask a Moderator.


Go to top of the class
Metta


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*



She'sStillGotIt said:


> Why on earth has he not even given you the address he'll be at for the next few days?
> 
> You don't see that as extremely shady?
> 
> If he hasn't left yet, I'd be sure to get the GPS location function working on his phone. He sounds slippery as hell if I'm being honest.


I have the suburb but not the address. Annoyingly there are 3 addresses in that area under that name.
I guess I feel like I'm not his mother and shouldn't ask _exactly_.
Metta


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*



3Xnocharm said:


> Ok I went through your thread history. WHY IN THE WORLD did you marry this man to begin with?? You have NEVER trusted him! You started posting about him lying back in 2013, only 4 months into your relationship! Stop all the sleuthing and just divorce him already! This is no way to live!


You're right, I was here then with the same issue. Back then, I was picking up the vibes that something wasn't right and I came here. Some months further down the line all became clear: he admitted to me that he had an addiction to speed. I did not confront him (although I had asked him from time to time whether he was still doing it) and he'd covered up, even going so far as to talk a lot about his friend's addiction and his concern about that as a way to throw me off. However he came to me with, "there's something I need to tell you" and just told me that the whole time he'd been using. It was about a month before the wedding and something got to him, he says he felt that he should come clean before the wedding, at risk of losing me. Well, everything suddenly fell into place: the missing money, the lies about whereabouts, the temper, the absences. It all added up and the relief was HUGE. I was so relieved that this explained everything. However, the fact that he did a number on me so well and so professionally has left me uneasy. I am normally pretty good at picking up BS and he was just so convincing. Sure, I was picking up something, because I came to this board. This has left me unnerved ever since. The guy has the ability to pull the wool over my eyes if he wants to. So I know this about him now.
So to answer your question, I married him because I thought that drug addiction was the problem. It explained everything.

He quit the drugs and then we moved far away so he is no longer in contact with anyone in that circle. Indeed, he tells me that when he is making this current trip, he doesn't want to go and see his old friend who is still addicted to speed because he doesn't want to get dragged back into that, which is a mature approach and one that to me, says he really wanted to kick it (it was costing him a small fortune).

However, what's cropped up for me since then is that as the same time I was having vibes about money disappearing and lies about whereabouts, I was also picking up vibes that maybe he hadn't yet dropped his sex buddies completely but I couldn't put my finger on it. I found things that were odd, such as things out of place that shouldn't be, but that might also have other explanations.

People with addictions generally have more than one. He now does too much alcohol (he quit smoking for me, too, I wasn't going to date him unless he did ) he lied about smoking for a while which I think I wrote about back in 2014 and it took another 2 years but he finally cracked that one. I have NO suspicions about him smoking anymore. But the lingering doubt is hook ups, whether he's doing that.

So, that's why I married him. I thought him coming clean was quite courageous and I respected him for it.
But whether it was only the tip of one iceberg is why I'm back.. 

thanks for the question, writing and revisiting history helps me gain clarity
Metta


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Quick Question: Why a Timeline?*



personofinterest said:


> I think sometimes the BS also wants to know they weren't crazy. Let's say that weekend the WS said they were shopping with the girls and something didn't feel right. When the timeline says that the WS was actually with OM, it sort of...confirms the BS's own sanity to themselves? A lot of WS's gaslight and keep the BS off-kilter, so a written record that says, "See, I wasn't crazy!" can be helpful."


Yes, thank you.



personofinterest said:


> Regarding multiple threads, if all I wanted was an answer to specific questions without having to drag out my whole story, I'd probably ask them a thread at a time too. When you put it all on one, you get people pushing for more and more details and story, which can be triggering if you'd rather not hash it all out again. And some of us don't want to hear a big list of "what we SHOULD HAVE done."


Thank you, I thought specific q's might make it easier on peeps to separate topics, but for some, clearly it didn't help.
Metta


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Is this a clue?*



SunCMars said:


> On drugs.....
> 
> On drugs anyone is a different person.
> A person not to be trusted.
> ...



Well said. Correct.
I don't think he's doing them ATM.
I would know.
He's an-ahole when he's coming down.
He isn't mecurial anymore.
For a long time I didn't know.
Metta

but thank you for permission for paranoia. My persecution complexes are all raise a toast to you. That is, if I can get them to believe the drink isn't spiked...


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*



Miss Metta said:


> I have the suburb but not the address. Annoyingly there are 3 addresses in that area under that name.
> I guess I feel like I'm not his mother and shouldn't ask _exactly_.
> Metta


What???!!!! You're his WIFE and yes you should ask "exactly. "


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: Quick Question: Why a Timeline?*



MJJEAN said:


> A timeline lets the BS know how often and deep the betrayals were.


Sadly, a timeline is just going to contain all the lies the cheater is *already* trying to feed their BS. They're just putting it down in date order and in writing, is all.

But it also helps the cheater to have their lies memorialized in print because that way, they don't have to remember everything they lied about on D-Day and the ensuing days/months afterwards - it's right there in print form for reference for them should they need it. It makes it easier for them to stick to their story down the road instead of screwing up and admitting to something they *hadn't* admitted to before - which is known as the infamous 'trickle truth."

My point is that a timeline is simply the same lies you're getting verbally, just put on paper.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*



Miss Metta said:


> I have the suburb but not the address. Annoyingly there are 3 addresses in that area under that name.
> I guess I feel like I'm not his mother and shouldn't ask _exactly_.
> Metta


Therein lies your problem, as his wife you ought to know where he is, so that you can contact him, etc. Futher because of his lying before your wedding, you have every right to ask him to be accountable now, trust cannot simply be given, it has to be earned day by day. Tell him so. What are you afraid of?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you concerned he'll be angry or maybe leave you if you ask questions?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*



Miss Metta said:


> I have the suburb but not the address. Annoyingly there are 3 addresses in that area under that name.
> I guess I feel like I'm not his mother and shouldn't ask _exactly_.
> Metta


All the better for him. That way, he doesn't have to worry about you showing up at the doorstep of the place he claims to be staying at and finding out he's either not staying there or he's got 'company' there with him.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Re: Quick Question: Why a Timeline?*



She'sStillGotIt said:


> Sadly, a timeline is just going to contain all the lies the cheater is *already* trying to feed their BS. They're just putting it down in date order and in writing, is all.
> 
> But it also helps the cheater to have their lies memorialized in print because that way, they don't have to remember everything they lied about on D-Day and the ensuing days/months afterwards - it's right there in print form for reference for them should they need it. It makes it easier for them to stick to their story down the road instead of screwing up and admitting to something they *hadn't* admitted to before - which is known as the infamous 'trickle truth."
> 
> My point is that a timeline is simply the same lies you're getting verbally, just put on paper.


Ideally, the WS is remorseful and being honest. Otherwise, the whole attempt to reconcile thing is all pointless and the timeline isn't worth spit.


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Are you concerned he'll be angry or maybe leave you if you ask questions?


Yes.
If I ask too many questions or questions that look like I am prodding, he gets annoyed. 
When I asked him for the second time what suburb his friend was in - he seemed annoyed.
The second answer was different from the first, because the first was the exact location and the second, the wider suburb.
Some suburbs have little pockets which go under another name, but also the name of the main suburb/area and the names are sometimes used interchangeably.
He did visit there, though.
when he called me, the friend was in the background and said, "Hi". Though anyone who really wanted to be up to mischief would do so either side of the visit but make it look like he's there all along.
I did call a PI but because I couldn't be absolutely certain of the address it was pointless.

But yes, he can get annoyed if I ask for specifics and this scares me. 
Since he's been back hes' been a bit nit-picky but that might just be the long drive. I suddenly feel deflated.

Metta


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

*Re: Found Profile on Meeting Site: Old or New?*



She'sStillGotIt said:


> All the better for him. That way, he doesn't have to worry about you showing up at the doorstep of the place he claims to be staying at and finding out he's either not staying there or he's got 'company' there with him.


I know.
He definitely went to where he said he was going as friend said "Hi" in background while on phone to me, but as you would know, a trickster would arrange that and do something either side of visiting the friend whilst giving the impression of having been there all along.

I am too exhausted to pursue this ATM.

Metta


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

So what are your short term/long term plans with this? You gonna stick around for more of this torture? How close are you to being financially independent? Are you making any headway?


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> So what are your short term/long term plans with this? You gonna stick around for more of this torture? How close are you to being financially independent? Are you making any headway?


What I can't figure out is whether, and how much, the torture is self-inflicted.
What I know for sure is that before we got married 3 years ago, for around 18 months he was addicted to speed and hid this from me and lied and covered and threw red herrings. I was so convinced that he'd stopped it when he said he would that I hardly ever questioned or doubted, what was troubling me was lots of money disappearing and lying about whereabouts. He offered a confession - unprovoked by me - a month before we got married. He says he couldn't keep deceiving me and that it wasn't right that I go into a marriage not knowing. So that could be read as noble of him. Or could be read that he knew he was in deep horse dookie and needed a way out. Plus he probably couldn't keep hiding the CC statements from me (cash advance so I wouldn't know - yikes - the interest!) so he came clean.

That's what I do know for sure. And I was so relieved that it was 'only' drugs - plus thought better of him for confessing, that I married him. But I didn't really get over it. His ability to pull the wool over my eyes convinced me that I need to be careful.

My suspicions about other women I have no proof. I have things that don't add up but that _could_ have logical explanations. I don't think he's doing speed again-I would know- he gets a foul temper.
But he does have an addictive nature, likes novelty, and addicts usually have more than one vice.

So the drugs issue seems to have set me up for long-term anxiety and suspicion. It feels like a kind of trauma. My previous partner was cheating on me and lying about it (he saw himself as a lady's man even though he was not very attractive - I thought a partner who was not very attractive would be less likely to stray) he was also an aspy with depression and unable to maintain a relationship; the guy before that was violent and I had to flee to a shelter; the guy before that was a sweet baby-faced nerd who had mommy issues and liked violent porn....so, you know I've a history of unhealthy men who turn out badly and leave me with trauma, I think.

So perhaps I'm primed to be looking for the shoe to drop. So I am constantly second-guessing my feelings and suspicions. Maybe it's me?

To your question, I'm looking for more work however at my age and level of experience it is much, much harder than it used to be.

For now I need to focus on reducing anxiety and increasing confidence.

Metta


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Miss Metta said:


> What I can't figure out is whether, and how much, the torture is self-inflicted.
> What I know for sure is that before we got married 3 years ago, for around 18 months he was addicted to speed and hid this from me and lied and covered and threw red herrings. I was so convinced that he'd stopped it when he said he would that I hardly ever questioned or doubted, what was troubling me was lots of money disappearing and lying about whereabouts. He offered a confession - unprovoked by me - a month before we got married. He says he couldn't keep deceiving me and that it wasn't right that I go into a marriage not knowing. So that could be read as noble of him. Or could be read that he knew he was in deep horse dookie and needed a way out. Plus he probably couldn't keep hiding the CC statements from me (cash advance so I wouldn't know - yikes - the interest!) so he came clean.
> 
> That's what I do know for sure. And I was so relieved that it was 'only' drugs - plus thought better of him for confessing, that I married him. But I didn't really get over it. His ability to pull the wool over my eyes convinced me that I need to be careful.
> ...


 I may have missed it, please forgive me if I did. How old are you? And I say this gently, but you need to work on fixing your picker. I don't buy the fact that he was noble about coming to you on his own volition right before the marriage. I think the **** was going to hit the fan in some form or fashion and he was doing a preemptive strike. And his latest shenannigan of not being able or actually, refusing to give you an exact address is crystal clear-he was up to no good. Surely you see that?

I think the recipe for increasing your confidence and decreasing your anxiety is getting this addict out of your life.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'd wait until Casanova was asleep, then I'd pluck one of his hairs and have it tested. Don't be surprised with the results.

Addicts *lie*. They're not 'noble' at all, so it's not very likely you got that 'confession' from him before your wedding for altruistic reasons. Much more likely the **** was about to hit the fan so he had to do damage control, is all.

Lastly, I also think he's real good at manipulating you into thinking all your anxiety and suspicions are 100% self induced and that he's as pure as the driven snow.


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> I may have missed it, please forgive me if I did. How old are you? And I say this gently, but you need to work on fixing your picker. I don't buy the fact that he was noble about coming to you on his own volition right before the marriage. I think the **** was going to hit the fan in some form or fashion and he was doing a preemptive strike. And his latest shenannigan of not being able or actually, refusing to give you an exact address is crystal clear-he was up to no good. Surely you see that?
> 
> I think the recipe for increasing your confidence and decreasing your anxiety is getting this addict out of your life.


You didn't miss it, I didn't say how old I am. 52 and someone is going to comment and say, "you haven't scraped your cat litter together yet, you should know by now."
and perhaps I should. 
Re doing a pre-emptive strike, nothing has happened that would indicate to me- and I would have been onto it - that he told me because it was going to come up in another form or fashion and he was getting in first. I can't see any of his mates telling on him, it was in his mate's interest that he remain a participant!

Re no details of address, I've given this some thought. I don't find it odd. 
I have been to the friend's house, but that was some years ago so I don't remember the exact address and maybe he just expected to me know.
Also, I think wanting to know the exact address is a female thing. I'm thinking men think it's enough to say, "I"m going to see Dave, he lives in Treeville", and give Dave's number, at most, if you ask for it, some might offer it. 
I can't think of any partner ever offering up the exact address of where they were staying except if going overseas or traveling and staying in hotel. Then they would. Even then, I usually had to ask and they were fine about it. Current husband seems a little put off when I ask for such details, as if I'm going too far, but he does anyway. If he were really indignant, he'd let me know. Also, I think at the time he didn't have the address on him, and it was going to be a PITA to look it up so that's also why he didn't offer it.

So for address, even I don't do it! I decided I needed to get away from all of this while he was gone and I told him I was going to stay at a new girlfriend's place. I've never been there before.
He knows the town, but I didn't think to offer up the address . I did offer her phone number and he seemed a little weirded out by that but I never gave him the address and he didn't ask for it. I might be wrong, but to me it seems men think it's enough if you know the area they're in and you have their phone number and can contact them.

If any guys want to weigh in on this, you're welcome.

Metta


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