# Trust Issues, or lack of Self-Esteem??



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

So, I've been seeing the same person for almost 3 months now. Still not committed, which is a whole other story, he continues to say he does not want a relationship...ok, got it.

What really bothers me, and I just can't figure this out, is the fact that I am always the one asking to see him. Not in a desperate way, I'm not like that, but just a "what are you up to" kind of thing, "let me know if you want to hang out"...you get the point. He's very receptive to the idea, and answers "sure, come on over". Once we together, he's affectionate, caring, happy to be around me.. etc. 

Why can't he just ask to get together...I brought it up in a subtle way, as I need open communication, and he basically said "you're always welcome to come over"...ok, but I still need to be asked sometimes...this might sound trivial, but it is kind of a theme in our "friendship", like one morning we're lounging in bed for about an hour just chatting, and I get up and say "I guess it's coffee time", and he responds "oh, I had something else in mind" or something like that. So I come back to bed, and sit on top of him in a non-sexual way, just affectionate, and say "I'm not a mind reader, you need to say these things"...silence, and then he initiates with a kiss. 

Maybe some men are just not as open as women, my ex was so open it was like "shut up, I understand what you're saying". He'd just be so expressive, and revealing of what his needs or wants were, I just seemed to ignore them....that's a whole other story as well.

I really like this guy, but he is really bummed from his last relationship, so I'm not sure if he just has no trust in women, or is afraid to open up and be rejected???

any ideas??


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Stop making excuses for him. Oh, I used to be such a master at doing exactly what you are doing -- fooling myself.

He's not that into you. Stop calling, stop texting, if he wants to see you, he can call. And I wouldn't be available every time either.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Stop making excuses for him. Oh, I used to be such a master at doing exactly what you are doing -- fooling myself.
> 
> He's not that into you. Stop calling, stop texting, if he wants to see you, he can call. And I wouldn't be available every time either.


You seriously think he's not really into me??? why is he happy when I do go over then? if he really didn't care he'd be very slack about our interaction no?

I guess I'm so inexperienced at this whole dating thing, I can't even tell if a person likes me or not....just freaking great.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I don't know, Working, and I'm not in your shoes. Probably over-projecting from my own experience -- I came up with a million excuses, he wasn't ready, he'd been hurt and was afraid to commit, he was not good at social skills, whatever.

I can't say that he's not into you, but the behavior you're describing would honestly bother me even if it were from a friend. It's never good for a relationship when one person takes all the initiative. So, just stop calling and texting and see what happens. Maybe he'll pick up the slack. Maybe he won't. Either way, you'll know a little more than you do now.

And NO ONE is good at dating, no one...it's one of those things that doesn't really get all that much easier after doing it a lot 

Good luck! Didn't mean to be harsh with you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Seriously, do you think a guy would mistreat a woman who is willing to do all the work? Heck, he's probably fine with things the way they are! He's nice to you b/c he likes you enough and he is getting what he wants. What is the mystery with that? He may just be a nice person and find your company pleasant, w/o really being that into you. Who knows? But until you give him a chance to make the plans, he won't--and if he does not, well, you have your answer. 

If he's getting what he wants with the way things are, why should he change his behavior? YOU aren't getting what you want, so YOU should change your behavior. He may or may not prove more interested. This is not a game, to "make him" call you. If you want him to initiate some of the time--1/2 the time, perhaps, and that lets you know you are valued, etc., then expect that. If it doesn't happen, well, you have an answer--probably not the one you wanted.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Stop making excuses for him. Oh, I used to be such a master at doing exactly what you are doing -- fooling myself.
> 
> He's not that into you. Stop calling, stop texting, if he wants to see you, he can call. And I wouldn't be available every time either.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: YES!

If a man wants a woman, he will call and invite her over.

He's making you do the work because he knows you will and he is just passive about it.

Stop doing ANY contact and see what he does. And like Lamaga says, when he DOES call, don't answer the first time...and be busy sometimes. 

But find someone else to date. Seriously.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

working_together said:


> You seriously think he's not really into me??? why is he happy when I do go over then? if he really didn't care he'd be very slack about our interaction no?
> 
> I guess I'm so inexperienced at this whole dating thing, I can't even tell if a person likes me or not....just freaking great.


Don't be so down on yourself. I just think this isn't the guy for you right now. But back off a bit and see if he picks it up. Maybe you haven't given him opportunity to take initiative because you always call/text first.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

You guys make a good point. And it's true what you say, and I guess I just don't want to know the answer if he's into me or not. But I will take the advice, I have to for my own sanity, and yes, I need to stop making excuses for him, he either wants to be with me or not.

I didn't text him yesterday at all to see him last night. I was pretty proud of myself. I was also disappointed that he didn't call or whatever. But then I caved and texted him this morning. I just have to learn to back off. He went to Florida for almost a week, and I did not text once, and he initiated when he got back. But it's feeling like a stupid game, and I'm not 20.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Don't be so down on yourself. I just think this isn't the guy for you right now. But back off a bit and see if he picks it up. Maybe you haven't given him opportunity to take initiative because you always call/text first.


Maybe I'm just a keener....lol

Yeah, I'm backing off now, we'll see what happens. One time I got stubborn and didn't text him for 3 days. I was almost going to mention that I am considering dating other people, but that's just too mean I think.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea...after 3 months, you shouldn't be doing this.

You are the cat in this relationship. You took the reins and now...this is the pattern and it's lame.

My advice would just be to find someone better suited for you and next time, DO NOT do the calling/texting. Be pursued. 

Sometimes we think there's a rush to get somewhere where we can say we are in a relationship...that we HAVE to force it to work. If we feel that way, then it's not working.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: YES!
> 
> If a man wants a woman, he will call and invite her over.
> 
> ...


Why is he being so passive though, is it his personality?? I should know though after 3 months.

grrr


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

How far out is he from his last relationship?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

working_together said:


> Maybe I'm just a keener....lol
> 
> Yeah, I'm backing off now, we'll see what happens. One time I got stubborn and didn't text him for 3 days. I was almost going to mention that I am considering dating other people, but that's just too mean I think.


Three days and you didn't text and he didn't either?

Is this a relationship or just dating? What do you guys have? Are you on the same page?

After 3 months, and no contact in 3 days and that's normal? Eesh...I wouldn't be exclusive with this one.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yea...after 3 months, you shouldn't be doing this.
> 
> You are the cat in this relationship. You took the reins and now...this is the pattern and it's lame.
> 
> ...


You are so right about this, I have been the one pursuing and he is used to this, and it's easy for him. You are also right that I may be in a rush to get to the relationship part, and can't sit through the beginning part. I'm wanting something that's not there, and I need to figure out why.

So, dating others seems a good idea.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

working_together said:


> Why is he being so passive though, is it his personality?? I should know though after 3 months.
> 
> grrr


Please don't waste a year trying to figure out his personality.

THIS is who he is. If you don't like it, move on. Don't be the person to want to fix him or change him. You know that doesn't work and you are not desperate.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Three days and you didn't text and he didn't either?
> 
> Is this a relationship or just dating? What do you guys have? Are you on the same page?
> 
> After 3 months, and no contact in 3 days and that's normal? Eesh...I wouldn't be exclusive with this one.


It's not a relationship, he says he doesn't want one, which was fine then, but now I need it to be more defined, or I will have to date others I guess. You think no communication in three days is bad?? we're dating, and see each other every weekend.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. you are wanting to make this guy fit into your 'idea' and 'plan' and he just isn't the one.

Hate to be so brash, but it's true. He isn't the one. You will know the one...you will. After 3 months, this seems like the first 2 weeks!

Next time, just DO NOT pursue. Flirt and be cute, but don't pursue. 

Nothing wrong with dating and then realizing he isn't the one. That's what dating is for!! Doesn't make you bad people...just makes you bad for each other.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Complexity said:


> How far out is he from his last relationship?


10 months. But last weekend he opened up a bit and said he really expected to be a "family" forever. He never wanted to divorce, he was just in a position where he felt there was no other choice. He's really bitter, and hates her still.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

working_together said:


> It's not a relationship, he says he doesn't want one, which was fine then, but now I need it to be more defined, or I will have to date others I guess. You think no communication in three days is bad?? we're dating, and see each other every weekend.


HE DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP!.

That's all you need to know. He's making it quite clear, isn't he? Why be more defined?

Tell him, thank you, but you want a relationship so this isn't working. No harm, no foul.

Why waste your life on people liek this? He told you point blank he didn't want a relationship and now you're wondering what's up.

3 days without communication is a bad sign, unfortunately, when you've dated 3 months. He is dating, you want more, HE DOES NOT WANT MORE. So listen to him and bow out.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And he has bitterness against an ex and stuff?

Eesh...no no.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You have just behaved yourself into a one sided relationship. I'm familiar with the concept and it sucks.

Back off and find someone who actually WANTS a relationship.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yea. you are wanting to make this guy fit into your 'idea' and 'plan' and he just isn't the one.
> 
> Hate to be so brash, but it's true. He isn't the one. You will know the one...you will. After 3 months, this seems like the first 2 weeks!
> 
> ...


Yeah, I'm not going to pursue the next person, that was just so dumb. I'm used to being the one making plans, so I need to step back now.

You're being honest and I need that.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

And to top it off....

When he went to Florida, he was staying with a single female friend. I didn't ask any questions because I didn't want to come accross as possessive etc. But then he cut the visit short because he said the weather was rainy etc. Now I'm wondering if he had a fling with her, and figured out it was a mistake and needed to get out of there.

And should I really ask him at this point if he slept with her???

The more I write about this, the dumber I feel, but the more clear it's all becoming.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

working_together said:


> 10 months. But last weekend he opened up a bit and said he really expected to be a "family" forever. He never wanted to divorce, he was just in a position where he felt there was no other choice. He's really bitter, and hates her still.


He hasn't fully moved on yet and I don't think it's about trust or self esteem. As you said there's a lot of bitterness and resentment there and I suspect he put more into his last relationship than his partner did and that didn't work out for him. Apathy and "taking care of me" is probably his healing method.

I also don't think he's ready to put himself "out there" and pursue you until he gets rid of that bitterness. If you're the rebound girl I would take things slow until he fully gets over his ex wife. Just keep in mind that he's not looking for a relationship so you're not obliged to stay committed to him, keep your options open.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> And he has bitterness against an ex and stuff?
> 
> Eesh...no no.


But so do I, we actually have b*tching sessions about it...lol, except I laugh at it mostly, he doesn't find it funny.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

working_together said:


> But so do I, we actually have b*tching sessions about it...lol, except I laugh at it mostly, he doesn't find it funny.


A red flag. Time to walk away. He's not ready.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You two aren't matched at all. Just end it. this is crap drama that children have because they so desperately want a relationship to seem "cool" and "worth it".

Don't tie yourself to this man. In fact, just smile and move on. Wiat for someone who want what you want. Someone whom you don't have to play these stupid guessing games with. Someone whom texts you when he doesn't hear from you for a day (at 3 months).

You are worth WAY MORE than what you are getting right now. You just haven't been told that. Stop taking crumbs and trying to put frosting on them. Wait for a WHOLE CAKE. You deserve it now. The past is the past. Learn from it, let it go and move on.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And don't worry if he slept with someone else. The fact is, he isn't into this relationship or whatever it is....and you just need to end it nicely. And when I say end it, I mean it. NC. Done. move on and find the one for you.

Stop creating unnecessary drama in your life.

But ask yourself. DO YOU THRIVE ON DRAMA? Some people do and if this is the case, figure that shet out now before you get into any other relationship.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I haven't watched them yet but there are some funny Madea videos on you tube about what we put up with in the name of having someone....anyone in our life to love. We'd rather be in a bad relationship than no relationship it seems.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And this isn't even a relationship! So, WT, you can just walk out. he's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship, so just tell him you're done.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> And don't worry if he slept with someone else. The fact is, he isn't into this relationship or whatever it is....and you just need to end it nicely. And when I say end it, I mean it. NC. Done. move on and find the one for you.
> 
> Stop creating unnecessary drama in your life.
> 
> But ask yourself. DO YOU THRIVE ON DRAMA? Some people do and if this is the case, figure that shet out now before you get into any other relationship.


I never thought I was the type that liked drama, I want something very normal, and I want to feel desired, and wanted, and not just when it's about sex. I keep looking for signs that he's into me, but bottom line, I think he likes the friendship and the sex, but nothing more. And I have to accept that.

I know I'm worth more than that and I can't settle for anything less.

cheers


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You're totally worth more than that 

Don't settle until you get what you want. Honestly. DO NOT SETTLE  It may take some time (took me 7 years) but...well worth it.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Definitely sounds like he is only after a FWB situation.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

* Basically, everything that_girl says, I agree with.

Remember, guys thrive on a chase..so for your next venture, have your own life going on & let him come to you! Guys want to feel that pull, trust me! If its not there, things can go down hill fast!

As for this guy, I'm sorry, he's absolutely not ready to treat you anywhere near how you deserve.

Lastly- get the book, 'Why Men Love *****es.'

It's not about being a *****, it's about being a strong individual, with a great life that does not need a man, rather chooses to have one, if she wishes.

It's a fantastic, empowering book & EXACTLY what you need right now! Plus, you won't want to put it down

Good Luck & have FUN!!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Maybe he is just in the relationship because it's convenient? Maybe he likes you but doesn't really intend to put in any effort and is okay to go along with what you want because you're putting in the effort.

If you put down some of the weight, will he pick it up? Do you want to stay with someone who isn't as invested in the relationship as you? If you're happy with how things are then let them be, but don't worry about trying to diagnose why he isn't putting more into the relationship. There's no magic key. 

He's showing you who he is. If you want more, I suggest you leave him and find someone who can reciprocate instead of just receive your attention. Sorry, but you deserve more than that, don't you think?


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

he might be shy


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I took a trip to the book store this weekend and picked up "he's just not that into you", I didn't buy it, but sat and read most of it. It seems some of it is going on, and yeah, the bottom line is that men like to pursue. The part that really stood out is that a man is never too busy to phone or text during the day, if they like you they will think about you and want to speak to you. That hit hard...wow.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Definitely sounds like he is only after a FWB situation.


I don't want a fwb, I might have 3 months ago, but I want something more now.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Working, he _told_ you he didn't want a relationship. It's his job to tell you the truth. It's your job to _believe him_. He is happy to see you when you come over because he's already told you the truth and he assumes you believed him. Since you continue to see him, knowing he doesn't want a relationship, he figures you must be cool with the current FWB arrangement. If you aren't okay with a not-a-relationship sex buddy, then you need to simply move on. No need for a "breakup" (it isn't a relationship), just move on.

I was going to suggest you read He's Just Not That Into You, but see you've already done so. I also recommend the site baggagereclaim.com. She talks a lot about dating red flags, the lies we tell ourselves in pursuit of relationships and loving yourself enough to do what's right for you.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Rowan said:


> Working, he _told_ you he didn't want a relationship. It's his job to tell you the truth. It's your job to _believe him_. He is happy to see you when you come over because he's already told you the truth and he assumes you believed him. Since you continue to see him, knowing he doesn't want a relationship, he figures you must be cool with the current FWB arrangement. If you aren't okay with a not-a-relationship sex buddy, then you need to simply move on. No need for a "breakup" (it isn't a relationship), just move on.
> 
> I was going to suggest you read He's Just Not That Into You, but see you've already done so. I also recommend the site baggagereclaim.com. She talks a lot about dating red flags, the lies we tell ourselves in pursuit of relationships and loving yourself enough to do what's right for you.


That site is pretty good, I read a lot of the articles, and wow, lots of insight there.

thanks


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Well, I've backed off, I haven't heard from him since Sunday, and I refuse to text him. And if I never hear from him...so be it.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Good. If he's a great guy & sees your potential, He'll call.

Otherwise, I'd start fishing in the big ocean & finding someone that is ready for a dating relationship... someone who "wants" to be around you.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sounds like you are Booty Call, only on the automatic delivery schedule, including 100% guaranteed free trial, cancel any time with no penalties.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

working_together said:


> *It's not a relationship, he says he doesn't want one*, which was fine then, but now I need it to be more defined, or I will have to date others I guess. You think no communication in three days is bad?? we're dating, and see each other every weekend.


If I were in your shoes, I'd be assuming he's dating other people and keeping it very open. 

I agree with the others - it's not what you want so move on. It sounds like he told you clearly that he doesn't want a relationship. It was what it was.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I agree with everyone, I guess he is seeing other people, just wow, I'm pretty pissed actually, But I also won't lose any sleep over it either....his loss.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> If I were in your shoes, I'd be assuming he's dating other people and keeping it very open.
> 
> I agree with the others - it's not what you want so move on. It sounds like he told you clearly that he doesn't want a relationship. It was what it was.


I don't want something too serious, but I want it exclusive, and I do not want to be a booty call. So, no, this is not what I want. When after 3 months a person can't even say "I miss you", or "I'm looking forward to seeing you", (something along those lines),it just doesn't seem right.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I think I got sucked in because of the mixed messages he sends, he verbally says he doesn't want a relationship, but his actions say more. For instance, I invited him to my daughter's b-day party with his two girls, he owns a printing company, so he made a huge banner with Happy Birthday , and there was a picture of a mermaid on it, it was really thoughtful, and I didn't ask him to do it. He bought her a few nice gifts, way too much, and also bought a gift for my son. 

He's very generous with that sort of thing. But, after reading that site that was recommended, I learned that words and actions have to match, and if they don't you begin to question things, and it just doesn't feel good. His don't, hence the reason I feel confused.


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