# He finally admitted to EA!



## superspy (Mar 4, 2013)

I just need to put this all down on paper... It's been almost a week since D day...

After suspecting for some time that my husband was perhaps engaging in an affair, I had found some very flirtatious/sexual toned emails between himself and a female coworker and another woman he had worked with in his industry. I confronted him about this and he said they were just "jokes". I had questioned him SO many times about whether he was happy in our marriage and if there was something going on that was inappropriate. I asked him if there were other emails which I did not see after snooping in his email and on his phone. He denied that he was having an affair. He kept up with the "they were just jokes" and they "don't mean anything", "everyone in our office is like this". He also went on a trip with a group of men whom he admits are mostly cheating on their wives on this trip. I caught him in a lie about his whereabouts on the trip ( he denied going to the strippers on the trip and then tried to cover his tracks when I knew he lied to me). He also had some disturbing conversations in emails with these guys to say he would keep their cheating a secret when he had a choice not to say anything at all.... He says it was all "guy" talk"....

I knew we had drifted apart in the last few years for many reasons and he had been rejecting any intimate physical contact with me. I KNEW in my gut there was something wrong! My self esteem had gone into the toilet and I was desperately searching for a way to make my husband want me again... It was killing me inside. At the same time I was pregnant and wanted desperately to believe that he was telling the truth. It was like he was two different people.. The man I married and this other horny, teenager.... flirting and talking about sex but never wanting to be with me...

In Feb he did admit, after I totally lost my **** and told him I was considering if I wanted to go on with our marriage, (feels like I had to hit him over the head with a 2x4 to get him to say it!) that the email I had confronted him with were inappropriate and that he would stop. He kept saying he didn't think there was anything wrong with what he was doing as it was just a joke and there was no intent behind it. I tried to suggest that maybe he enjoyed the attention from the other women and I could understand that. I even said I felt the same when other men would compliment me as I was so desperate for some validation that I wasn't totally repulsive as a woman! I told him of some very suggestive emails, pictures and a proposal from one man to have an affair. When I asked him if it bothered him, he said "no, because I know you will never do anything"! He denied he enjoyed the attention he gained from the emails. Meanwhile, I had started IC as I was just a basket case. It seemed to help a bit and I thought we were starting to regain some of our lost intimacy in our relationship. 

I just couldn't shake that there was more to this than I was aware of when I would question him about these women... He didn't exactly lie to me but he did not divulge the extent of what was going on to me as I found some emails to the second woman that were ten times worse than what I had seen originally. These emails were very sexual in nature. They started in the summer of 2011 and went thru to the end of July 2012. I had missed these emails in my first snooping and only came across them last week. I felt sick. 

The emails grew in their intensity with hints of "old memories" and wanting to make some "new memories". He told her her "oral books" aroused him and that he was going to go home and masturbate. He said it was too bad he had deleted them as they were great inspiration for him. they took these conversations to Whatsapp from their work emails as they must have known they were wrong... they spoke of "some secrets are not to mention to others but great to make".. when the emails would get intense he suggested that he had an idea and asked her to send him her contact info .....from there the messages had continued on Whatsapp and I can only guess what those said! 

I had to confront him that night about what I'd seen. He was actually at her company golf tournament that very day.... I guess that was what hap prompted me to have another look..... 

When I confronted him, I just told him I wanted to talk about what was going on between him and J. He tried to beat around the bush and finally, after I kept pushing him, he got angry enough to say to me" you want to know why I did it"? He swears it never went to a PA but refused to say he had an affair. He says they never met up while these emails were going on and that there were no talks or plans to meet as he didn't want that to happen. He says she was having similar issues at home and it all emotional as she understood what he was going through. He doesn't see what he did as an affair and that's why he said he was denying it all this time when I was questioning him. He said he felt rejected by me back then and thought I didn't love him as I started sleeping in the other room (due to his snoring and leaving for work at 5am.) He said he thought I didn't want him anymore and that he felt I had "checked out" of our marriage due to my disinterest in sex, that I was spending more and more time away from home at my hobby. He says he was sure I was going to leave him and had suspicions that I had had an affair. He says he thinks he rejected me out of spite. He sys he never stopped loving me but thought I was no loner in love with him. He opened up about his terrible childhood and the emotional, physical abuse that went on as well as having caught his father cheating red handed... He sys they never spoke of their feelings EVER. He says he has never been good at talking about his feelings. I never knew any of this.... He says he was embarrassed, ashamed and felt guilty for what he did and didn't want to tell me because of that and because he didn't want to hurt me. It was a revelation but also a relief to know I wasn't going friggin crazy this whole time as I often felt that way when he would tell me I was over-reacting and taking it all out of context. I feel like an idiot as I never dreamt he would do something like this... I never saw it happening til much later.... He swears it was never going to be physical and he ended it as he realized that it was getting out of hand. He says he decided that he wanted to work on his marriage and not become like his father. 

I just can't believe he just kept all of this inside... If only he had said something to me ... I could have stopped this from happening in the first place.... He said that we were both at fault for what happened.. I am angry in one sense at this because I didn't MAKE him do this. HE made that decision to have an EA INSTEAD of coming to me.... I do own that my actions or lack of, contributed to the factors that lead to the EA but I told him I will not take responsibility for his poor decisions. 

I'm still very hurt and angry but I can understand how we got here.... I don't want to hold onto those feeling but I can seem to stop feeling like I cant completely trust him or ever will. Sometimes I hate him and sometimes I am just so incredibly sad.... We both wanted the very same things but because we didn't talk to each other we have been touched by infidelity..... I am still paranoid every time he is on the damn phone messaging or emailing.... I fell the need to repeatedly go over everything... we were camping together in July and I never knew.... It's agonizing and I hope that my IC and our MC will help us to move forward. He says he just wants to focus on us and moving forward and that this will never happen again... I want to believe so badly... Things are better than they have ever been but I am scared that if he hid his feelings so well before, even after I was obsessive about questioning him, that I will never be sure he is being honest about his feelings with me ....

I told him he DID have an affair, even though it was emotional, it still did the same damage as if he had been physical with her. I guess we are in recovery and I hope that we can make this work... for us... for our family.... I do still love him desperately. 

How on earth does one recover trust again though.....How do you deal with someone who doesn't speak openly about how they feel... sometimes I think our marriage was so shallow.... I just hope we love each other enough to put the work into having a REAL marriage now.....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

"How on earth does one recover trust again"

The best advice I know of is in the books "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Have him read them with you and do the work they say to do. 

If he still does not get it after that, he never will. If love/passion does not return to your marriage after that, it never will. Get a divorce.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Him trying to make it your fault as well tells you he is lying and still not telling you the truth. He's just giving you a morsel to stop dogging him out.

Just my opinion, but I think there are much worse issues here that he is not telling you.

As to rebuilding trust, in many ways you never can again. Perhaps a small level of trust can be had, but never fully. And to be really frank, I doubt he will ever stop.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He's still minimizing, blameshifting and pushing you to rugsweep the whole thing under the carpet.

I'm sorry, i understand the relief of being - partially - validated when he had no more choices but I must say it doesn't looks well. He only "half" admit what you found out on your own.

He needs to own his stuff, stop blaming anything but his own selfishness and sense of entitlement (the amount of guilty parties he point out are incredible, he hardly left unchecked any box in the blameshifter script) and realize that there's no possible forgetting and moving on after this.

Of course you still don't have not even half of what really went on.

Just as example of his damage control mindset is the fact he claims he stopped out of responsability and recommited to the marriage summer '12 when it happens you caught him with a second woman early this year! He's lying through his teeth. He's a master.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

superspy said:


> I had to confront him that night about what I'd seen. He was actually at her company golf tournament that very day.... I guess that was what hap prompted me to have another look.....
> 
> When I confronted him, I just told him I wanted to talk about what was going on between him and J. He tried to beat around the bush and finally, after I kept pushing him, he got angry enough to say to me" you want to know why I did it"? He swears it never went to a PA but refused to say he had an affair. He says they never met up while these emails were going on and that there were no talks or plans to meet as he didn't want that to happen. He says she was having similar issues at home and it all emotional as she understood what he was going through. He doesn't see what he did as an affair and that's why he said he was denying it all this time when I was questioning him. He said he felt rejected by me back then and thought I didn't love him as I started sleeping in the other room (due to his snoring and leaving for work at 5am.) He said he thought I didn't want him anymore and that he felt I had "checked out" of our marriage due to my disinterest in sex, that I was spending more and more time away from home at my hobby. He says he was sure I was going to leave him and had suspicions that I had had an affair. He says he thinks he rejected me out of spite. He sys he never stopped loving me but thought I was no loner in love with him. He opened up about his terrible childhood and the emotional, physical abuse that went on as well as having caught his father cheating red handed... He sys they never spoke of their feelings EVER. He says he has never been good at talking about his feelings. I never knew any of this.... He says he was embarrassed, ashamed and felt guilty for what he did and didn't want to tell me because of that and because he didn't want to hurt me. It was a revelation but also a relief to know I wasn't going friggin crazy this whole time as I often felt that way when he would tell me I was over-reacting and taking it all out of context. I feel like an idiot as I never dreamt he would do something like this... I never saw it happening til much later.... He swears it was never going to be physical and he ended it as he realized that it was getting out of hand. He says he decided that he wanted to work on his marriage and not become like his father.
> 
> ...


Nope, it was all on him. You essentially had the same marriage, you didn't cheat.

Start MC asap. Keep monitoring facebook, phone, email. Put a VAR in the car. You cannot trust his words anymore, not yet. 

This is what he has to do for you to trust him again. Is he game?

Originally posted by *Chaparral*:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/1312096-post194.html

*Read this:

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!*


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## superspy (Mar 4, 2013)

Thank you for your posts.... They do validate that nagging feeling that it went farther than what I saw... I SO want to believe him but I have no way to get proof from the past... You'd think he would have deleted any further incriminating evidence from his email as he obviously knew that I had gone into his accounts when I confronted him first about the coworker back in Feb. All of these emails (from the obvious EA with J)were in 2011 thru July of 2012 were still sitting in his archived emails... I found the one with the co-worker in Feb 2012 and that's when I confronted and blew up. The EA with J was by far the worst of it... I am still troubled that he says he ended it in July of 2012 and there was an emailed lewd picture joke at the end of Jan 2013 that he sent to her.... It was an email that he sent saying he had broken his toe ... the pic was of a guy with his penis hanging out of his shorts while he held up his foot with the broken toe.... He says to her "too funny, I couldn't resist", she says to him, "you wish" and he says back " no, YOU wish..." Why did he feel the need to send this to her? Especially since he has no need to deal with her on a professional level any longer (she has a new position at her company and is no longer his contact). I have asked him not to have any contact with her and he says " she is my customer".... I said "NO , she isn't!" He says he didn't even see her at the golf tournament but who knows.... In one of their email chats, she says she thought he was avoiding her "all joking aside".... He says he wasn't at all, just worked out that way... asked why he wouldn't want to golf with her again? This was in July of 2011 so obviously "something" happened when they golfed together the first time back in 2010??? and was going on, on and off since then?

I have also noted he had directly emailed two of his attractive coworkers (conversations were enquiring how they were.. how was married life... one was divorced and they discussed her hurt.. knight in shining armour stuff.. said there was true love... that he and I had found it and had just celebrated our 10th anniversary...)from his old company during this time. He also sent some jokes to various women (in group emails)he has in his contacts including one I believe was a former girlfriend and has no connection to his line of work at all...)This was all during the same time period... I haven't seen anything since confronting him in Feb.... and he know I was sneaking into his email and phone to look.... threatened just the other day to change his passwords but I told him if he did that, I'd go right back to not trusting him at all. He wants me to quit looking as he says I am reading into all of his emails (there were some I was suspicious of that had rational explanations....)and taking them out of context.

On LinkedIn a former GF had sent him a message to catch up. They spoke about getting together for coffee but he never mentioned it to me... I brought up a subject that lead to him telling me of it and he says they never got together... Saw nothing wrong with going for coffee. This was earlier this year, before i found hard evidence of an actual EA with J.

I hate having to snoop and many of my friends tell me they are sure he hasn't had an actual PA and that I should just try and go forward and believe him. I still feel that he "lied " to me in a way.... I asked him if he was having an affair, he said he wasn't. He didn't think the emails and sexting counted as an "affair. In my anger, I said it was lying by omission and apparently I was asking the wrong questions.... 

The clincher is ...if I hadn't "snooped"" into his emails and found all this ****, I would never have known and we would likely be divorced in the very near future due to the serious issues we have in our marriage. He never would have communicated to me without me nagging him.. even after I begged him to tell me the truth even if it would hurt me... I was already dying inside and doubting my sanity and he saw that but said nothing.... Could he be so screwed up that he couldn't talk about how he felt instead of having an EA? He was just going to go on like nothing was wrong? I kept saying to him that if I was so unhappy how on earth could he be happy? Mind you this is in Feb this year, apparently long after he ended it.... I was trying so hard.. .He made no initiative to go to counselling himself or suggest it for us as a couple at any time.. even when this was going on... Maybe that's because he thought 
I was having an affair... but you'd think he would have said something to me??? He says he was afraid to say anything to me as he thought I would leave him.... He was sure it was just a matter of time before I asked him for a divorce. My last relationship before him ended with me sleeping in the other room too (also due to snoring but there were some other, different, serious issues in that relationship. 

My personal counsellor said he needs to put much more effort into R as I am the one reading the books, going to my own counsellor and had arranged for MC. MC says we have to be more clear about our needs and stating them very directly to each other so we can address them... 

He has stated he has self esteem issues as well from my previous long term rejection in the bedroom and I can clearly see that in the emails as he is constantly fishing for compliments form these women and always the one to initiate these sexual conversations with them... He says I was doing the same thing in emails to my predominantly male clientele at work. I was sent some pretty sexual stuff but I never, ever initiated or sent anything like what I found in his emails. He still says I am trying to put it all on him, that I am not so innocent and how does he know I wasn't having an affair. He says he believes me but why don't I believe him... I guess if he went into my emails ( I have no password on my phone or computer) and found something like what he sent from me to another man, maybe he would understand. It seems pretty obvious he was reaching out, initiating this behaviour with other women...He certainly never talked to me like that in the whole 15 years I have known him. I had no idea he was like this...scary .....

I guess I am in limbo. I want to stop looking but cant bring myself to give it up completely.. after all, I was initially looking and hoping NOT to find anything but every time I looked, i seemed to find something worse... and he never said a thing.....

What do I do now.... ? I want to reconcile but how can I ever know what he says about the past is true? after confronting him, he said people who have affairs have bad marriages with issues and that's why they do it... he said "we have a good marriage..."

Yeah... right....


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Boy, oh boy! This is a veritable mountain of justified suspicion on your part. He is saying that he thought you didn't love him, so he just had to screw around secretly. You need to call complete bs on that, in my opinion.

I agree with all the others that you don't know anywhere near the truth. Yes, he left some e-mails around for you to see, but they are the proverbial tip of the iceberg. Sorry, but you have to start thinking about what you will do in terms of reconciliation when the truth trickles out. I would take time to try to uncover as much as I could before I made any serious decisions to stay in the marriage. He has really betrayed the marriage.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

superspy said:


> He says she was having similar issues at home and it all emotional as she understood what he was going through.
> 
> He says he has never been good at talking about his feelings.


:scratchhead: He did not seem to have any difficulty talking to HER about how he felt.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He might have had an EA, a series of EAs or perhaps even PAs.

I would suggest a lie detector test.


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## superspy (Mar 4, 2013)

Do you think I WILL ever get the truth??? How will i ever get it out of him? Call the OW???


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

superspy said:


> Do you think I WILL ever get the truth??? How will i ever get it out of him? Call the OW???


Why not?

Call her and say he told you they have had sex and she if she denies it.


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## superspy (Mar 4, 2013)

I've seriously thought of it.... that approach worked in my last confrontation with him. I just told him I wanted to talk about what was going on between him and J. I told him that I called her cell phone... He didn't seem overly upset. Just said that she would see my name and number on the call display. I said I didn't really care if she knew I had called her cell.. maybe she would call me back??? when I would question him in the past, he would say" why don't you call him/her and ask them..." He says she agreed they should stop as she too knew it was getting out of hand and that she wanted to work on her marriage as well....

Has anyone here called the AP to get confirmation ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

superspy said:


> Do you think I WILL ever get the truth??? How will i ever get it out of him? Call the OW???


Lie detector. If he won't do it, that'll be your answer.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So, he is OK with you calling J. How about all the others? There are lots of red flags & not just with one person. He has a pattern of secretly seeking out other women & you don't know the extent of that, either of the number of women or the type of contact. There are standard snooping tools to start to try to find out, like a VAR and a keylogger. There's the poly, like MattMatt suggests. That really focuses the mind. It's really up to you how far you want to pursue this, but he sounds pretty dogged in his pursuit of OW's. Even what you know now is egregious.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Sometimes I like to see a new story on the forum to change things up a bit but Unfortunately it is so similar to so many others in the fact that you are just scratching the surface of what your husband has been up to. 

The only people who know the truth are your husband and the other woman. Both are professional liars and have a lot to lose by telling the truth. Lose-lose for you.

I think that your husband has had one or more physical affairs by reading between the lines and comparing your situations to hundreds of others. The signs and behaviors are all there.

Invest in some VARS.


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## superspy (Mar 4, 2013)

I do have a recorder which I was putting in the car for a while... never caught anything. Everything that I have found centers around texting, messaging or emails... This is a problem in using a keylogger or any type of spyware as his phone and computer are the property of his workplace. I have thought of getting one of those gps tracking things. He seems to have trouble remembering dates when things started, specific events in emails, and exactly when it ended with J. Mind you , this was back in 2011-2012... He also has trouble remembering what he wrote in specific emails but , as above, that may be true. Maybe he is being truthful about it not being a PA with J? He says she is a rather large woman and not his type. Says she is not someone whom he would have dated. If it was all about the emotional connection because they were in the same boat with their marriage issues, then why was everything that I saw sexual in nature? How come I never saw a single email about their marital problems?

How much are polygraphs? Where on earth do you get them done? Are they really accurate??


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

superspy said:


> If it was all about the emotional connection because they were in the same boat with their marriage issues, then why was everything that I saw sexual in nature? How come I never saw a single email about their marital problems?


Because he's full of it.
This OW along the more recent one was all about sexting (at best).
Again, he needs to own his stuff and stop painting this in a favorable light (in his mind), specially becasue it contains this spin of blame****fing and rewriting.

BTW, did you already expose to this woman husband? My guess he's also in the dark about those allegued marriage problems.

Any chance he's going to get some IC on his own? Read any book? Online advice?


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## superspy (Mar 4, 2013)

I told him it was sexting and he keeps saying it wasn't about sex. It was never going to go there. He doesn't seem to want to call it what it really was - an EA where they were sexting each other. He doesn't seem to understand that this was an EA... He thinks affairs are physical cheating and since he "says" they never talked about doing sexual acts to or with each other, then it isn't sexting.... Feces is still S&%t no matter what you call it!

I have thought of finding her husband and calling him but then I am the one ruining his life and their kids lives possibly... I'd love for him to know and for her to feel the way I do but I would feel terrible about hurting other innocent bystanders. I would love to call her personally and have a chat with her to find out if it was physical and to scare the hell out of her..... 

We have been talking a lot about this and at times he gets frustrated. I do understand that but he owes it to me to go through this process for ME to heal from his BAD decisions. He still brings up " how do I know you weren't having an affair". Brings up things I told him that happened with me that made me see I was vulnerable to the same thing he did. He says he is sorry he hurt me and feels guilty, ashamed and embarrassed about his behaviour. Says he was in a really bad place and felt he couldn't talk to me about it as he "assumed" I was going to leave him. If only he had come to me to ask me why I was sleeping in the other room.... We could have prevented all of this. I will own that my actions and lack of actions resulted in him feeling the way he did which lead him to make these bad decisions but I resent that he is not dealing with his own feelings and blameshifting.

Prior to my latest discovery (of the worst EA from 2011-2012), in Feb I was asking him to go to counselling (course I had to arrange it), I had things I wanted him to read and work to do from my IC that never really happened... he says he went online to search for sites that would help him understand more about himself, his issues. Maybe I wasn't on his ass enough to make him do it, but I was, and still am, hoping that he understands the gravity of what will happen to us if he doesn't address my needs and own up. I am doing my very best to make him feel like priority number one and was desperately trying that when the EA was going on and after he said he ended it. I want to uphold my end of things to have a clear conscience that I did all I could to make it work on my end...

I am going to look at some books... His Needs, Her Needs, Beyond the Affair? Any others???


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

superspy said:


> I told him it was sexting and he keeps saying it wasn't about sex. It was never going to go there. He doesn't seem to want to call it what it really was - an EA where they were sexting each other. He doesn't seem to understand that this was an EA... He thinks affairs are physical cheating and since he "says" they never talked about doing sexual acts to or with each other, then it isn't sexting.... Feces is still S&%t no matter what you call it!
> 
> I have thought of finding her husband and calling him but then I am the one ruining his life and their kids lives possibly... I'd love for him to know and for her to feel the way I do but I would feel terrible about hurting other innocent bystanders. I would love to call her personally and have a chat with her to find out if it was physical and to scare the hell out of her.....
> 
> ...


not just friends, by Shirley Glass


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

superspy said:


> I'd love for him to know and for her to feel the way I do *but I would feel terrible about hurting other innocent bystanders*.


You wouldn't be doing anything but making him aware of the hurt THEY have caused him.


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## superspy (Mar 4, 2013)

I'm re-reading Not just Friends... great book... the last parts are really helping me.


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