# A question for the cheaters?



## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

How did you give yourself permission to have an affair? What are you thinking? Realistically - it just doesn't happen. Every step thats taken is an opportunity to stop - so how do you knowingly do it? How do you knowingly destroy your partner? Why not leave? It's an excuse to say you didn't think they loved you anymore - you wouldn't have stayed and lied. How can you do it??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I said this before in a previous thread like this. I did my EA for selfishness. Instead of talking to my husband about what I perceived to be missing in my marriage, I chose the easy way.

My husband begged me to stop my EA. An AP and the WS lives in a fantasy land where they can't see anything but their own selfishness. They don't care about their BS at that point. 

It was the worst thing that I ever experienced coming to terms with that, that I was so selfish that I hurt my BS. I don't believe in excuses when it comes to affairs. We do it because we are selfish.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cattiva said:


> How did you give yourself permission to have an affair? What are you thinking? Realistically - it just doesn't happen. Every step thats taken is an opportunity to stop - so how do you knowingly do it? How do you knowingly destroy your partner? Why not leave? It's an excuse to say you didn't think they loved you anymore - you wouldn't have stayed and lied. How can you do it??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not as simple as you seem to think. But then, what in life ever is?

My wife calmly told me that she was going to have an affair, but that I should know that she still loved me and would come back to me.

I felt, well, I felt as bad as you'd imagine.

She did come back, and when she realised how really upset I was, she was remorseful. 

But how to repair a shattered soul, cattiva? I stupidly self-medicated with rather more alcohol than was good for me.

I stumbled into what I now realise was an EA, which was becoming a PA but I stopped it just in time before it really became worse.

The next morning I wondered how the hell I could have gotten myself into this dreadful situation? I phoned a good friend and confessed what I'd done. She told me to confess to my wife, straight away, which I did.

After much discussion and heartache, we reconciled. 

And that's my story.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It's not as simple as you seem to think.


It is if are not in the affair.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> It is if are not in the affair.


Well, OK, but I think I was unconsciously referencing my own situation. Would I have had an affair if my wife had not had one? I honestly doubt that very much.

So the circumstances surrounding my affair were far from simple.


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## peterwilli (Aug 29, 2012)

I said this before in a previous thread like this.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It's not as simple as you seem to think. But then, what in life ever is?
> 
> My wife calmly told me that she was going to have an affair, but that I should know that she still loved me and would come back to me.
> 
> ...


She told you this beforehand? #@(F&^%!!. How screwy. Im glad you 2 made it through it. I think my pride would not have allowed me to either 1. allow it or 2. If I couldnt stop it, to forgive it. I think I will read your thread. Amazing that you 2 reconciled after all that. Good for you guys.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

MATTMATT, what steps did you take to prevent her from doing it after she told you?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

cattiva said:


> How did you give yourself permission to have an affair? What are you thinking? Realistically - it just doesn't happen.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cat,

I'm the BS, but I asked this same question to my cheating wife? "What allowed you, why did you feel justified, what made it worth the risk of your marriage, did you every consider the long term risk, to have a EAPA?".

The answers are/were/never make total sense. At the core, my wife had been convinced (with help from the OM) that our marriage was broken, dead, destined for divorce. Did this have any backing? Not really. But, it was all the push, coupled with the exciting desire for a new man, giving 100% attention, to get her into his bed and she just gave up. 

Here is on truth that I have learned without doubt... (thanks MORI) Sex is the currency of affairs. The more sex she gave the more the affair had purpose.


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## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

Instead of talking to my husband about what I perceived to be missing in my marriage, I chose the easy way.

My husband begged me to stop my EA. An AP and the WS lives in a fantasy land where they can't see anything but their own selfishness. They don't care about their BS at that point. 

It was the worst thing that I ever experienced coming to terms with that, that I was so selfish that I hurt my BS. I don't believe in excuses when it comes to affairs. We do it because we are selfish.[/QUOTE]

How is it the easy way out? You still have to try - you put in an considerable amount of time and effort for ur ap as well as to cover everything from your spouse. And when everything comes to ahead - what's the point of the big realization? It's complete bs when someone says they finally realized what they were doing - u knew what u were doing all along that's why you lied about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coreyallenl (Sep 26, 2012)

I think I will read your thread. Amazing that you 2 reconciled after all that. Good for you guys.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

I was in a marriage where my now ex-wife used sex as a weapon, constantly complained about not living as well as her friends, downgrading my family, and belittled me in comparison with her friend's husbands. I went weeks or months without getting laid. (not good for a twenty something year old) It went on several years. I was a shy, lacking self confidence, nerdy country boy who never dated much. I was a classic "nice guy". We went to MC, she quit after several visits saying I needed the counseling and she didn't. 
One of her friend's, whos husband my wife thought hung the moon because he made lots of money, made a play for me and I went for it. This girl told me another one of her friends thought I was cute and I went for that. I had two women on the side and my confidence went through the roof. After that it was easy.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

I have cheated on every relationship I ever had, as cheating is just part of who I am/ was. I never thought about anything cause I only cared about myself.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

The bishop said:


> I have cheated on every relationship I ever had, as cheating is just part of who I am/ was. I never thought about anything cause I only cared about myself.


Do you still believe that cheating is part of who you are? Is it just the way you deal with conflict in intimate relationships -- checking out to blow off steam or whatnot? Are you just not a person who wants monogamy? Or did you decide that it was something you didn't want to continue doing?


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Its like an alcoholic Moxy. You become addicted. Not a day goes by when I don't look at women and visualize what they'd be like. I'm a part time professor and naturally have some female students flirt with me. I wouldn't cross that line and for some reason, and strangely not even tempted. I've been on the wagon for 14 years now but I now have a good wife that is what a wife should be. We've never had to "work on" our marriage or do things to keep it hot. It just seems to fall in place.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

It's called the rationalization hamster - it's absolutely amazing what a person can convince themselves of. 

Affairs almost never are instantaneous events, they are usually a series of smaller decisions and steps in the wrong direction. It's only when you look behind you and see the plank you've walked yourself out on that you go "Oh Sh!t" but since by then you're already in the affair the hamster kicks in rather than stand up and face the music. 

I know betrayed spouses hate to hear this and I know this isn't the way it should be or is supposed to be, but it really has nothing to do with you. It's all about the selfishness of the cheater.


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