# Passed a big fitness test today



## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

I didn't know what a fitness/**** test was a week ago. Obviously I had had many of them over the years but probably failed 99% of them until last week. So, I'm jumping for joy a little as I see these tests, acknowledge what they are and deal with them appropriately.

I need to go to work today for a few hours. Wife is on her way out the door for church and says she doesn't know what in the world she is going to do with the kids today and she'd just rather be shopping with her girlfriends. I almost laughed in her face, but held it together and just looked at her. She took off for church... Right before church started she texted me and said, she figured something out to do with the kids all day and that she'd be fine...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Perfect. 

See these tests for what they are - a beautiful way to show your W the man she fell in love with.




MisterNiceGuy said:


> I didn't know what a fitness/**** test was a week ago. Obviously I had had many of them over the years but probably failed 99% of them until last week. So, I'm jumping for joy a little as I see these tests, acknowledge what they are and deal with them appropriately.
> 
> I need to go to work today for a few hours. Wife is on her way out the door for church and says she doesn't know what in the world she is going to do with the kids today and she'd just rather be shopping with her girlfriends. I almost laughed in her face, but held it together and just looked at her. She took off for church... Right before church started she texted me and said, she figured something out to do with the kids all day and that she'd be fine...


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## *everafter* (Nov 7, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Perfect.
> 
> See these tests for what they are - a beautiful way to show your W the man she fell in love with.


What are fitness tests?


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## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

*everafter* said:


> What are fitness tests?


Read here:
http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/search?q=fit+test


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Start with this one Married Man Sex Life: Some Common Fitness Tests... And What Isn't A Fitness Test


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Perfect.
> 
> See these tests for what they are - a beautiful way to show your W the man she fell in love with.


Except I failed last night. She was in a crappy mood and more talk about leaving me and a divorce. Kind of out of the blue considering what a great day I had with her on Saturday. I tried for the most part to listen to her and not make judgments. I can say I didn't argue, but I was not "The Rock" (from the n.u.t.s book). She said she didn't love me, didn't want to be with me and was never having sex again with me. I don't know what is going to happen today. I'm almost ready to throw in the towel, but this could also be a very large fitness test to see if these changes I'm making are serious. I am serious...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Was there ANY trigger event that might have caused this?

It might just be a huge sht test because you didn't "solve" her kid baby sitting issue. 

Did you ever talk to her about the bedroom arrangements?




MisterNiceGuy said:


> Except I failed last night. She was in a crappy mood and more talk about leaving me and a divorce. Kind of out of the blue considering what a great day I had with her on Saturday. I tried for the most part to listen to her and not make judgments. I can say I didn't argue, but I was not "The Rock" (from the n.u.t.s book). She said she didn't love me, didn't want to be with me and was never having sex again with me. I don't know what is going to happen today. I'm almost ready to throw in the towel, but this could also be a very large fitness test to see if these changes I'm making are serious. I am serious...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

There's only one way to pass that one. "OK Honey, let's get your bags packed up".


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Was there ANY trigger event that might have caused this?
> 
> It might just be a huge sht test because you didn't "solve" her kid baby sitting issue.
> 
> Did you ever talk to her about the bedroom arrangements?


Yes, the trigger was her trying to put the kids to sleep. She came out after a few minutes and demanded that I get them to sleep. After I got the kids to sleep, she said that after all these years I should read her mind (actual words) and just be nice and to it once in a while. I said I'd gladly do it if she asked me nicely. I said maybe we should move the kids into their beds and we sleep in ours and she said no way. Then that lead to all this talk of divorce. I did a lot of listening and gave some feedback. I did not defend or argue. I did ask her to honor her commitment of six months of therapy and trying to resolve this thing. She said she didn't know if talking to the therapist is going to resolve anything.

I was not the Rock that Levine talks about in the NUTs book. He says just to listen no matter what comes out of her mouth (divorce, moving out, etc). The therapist said essentially the same thing that what comes out of her mouth may not be how she is feeling. It's going to be fun day. Kids are out of school and we have spend the day together with them... What just kills me is that we had a great time together on Saturday. She was chatty, talking about issues in a positive manner and even a little flirty and I was actually hopeful. Right now I want to apologize for what I said last night, but that's probably not the real manly thing to do...


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## coops (Jan 24, 2011)

If she starts talking the way she did cut her off and say something like "That doesn't sound like commitment to the marriage". Then shut up and wait. She'll either be silent while she scrambles to rationalize her poor behavior or she'll turn to anger and blow up. 

If she starts rationalizing her behavior do not help her. It is not ok, it is never ok to treat you like that. Keep your comments as absolutely short as possible in response. "I understand you feel that way but that doesn't help the relationship". Then shut up again. 

If she blows up I'd cut her off with "I can't make a relationship work by myself" and walk away. When she is ready to be civil and say sorry for her childish behavior you can continue with the relationship.

Men are stupid because they keep believing that women think like them. "Hey if we talk this out and discuss it logically we can come to a solution", but that is just stupid talk. It doesn't work like that, it never will. 

You cannot talk her into loving you, nor can you logic her into the sack. The only thing it can do is talk yourself out of a marriage. I cannot stress this enough, learn to shut up. 

The only time something should be coming out of your mouth is if its A) fun, humor, enjoyable, light or B) to cut her off or call her on a **** behavior. 

Maybe if you repair this relationship, at some point in the far future you can have deeper discussions but right now its either open your mouth to cut her off from treating you poorly or it better be something fun. Everything else is just working against you.


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## coops (Jan 24, 2011)

MisterNiceGuy said:


> She came out after a few minutes and demanded that I get them to sleep. After I got the kids to sleep, she said that after all these years I should read her mind (actual words) and just be nice and to it once in a while. I said I'd gladly do it if she asked me nicely. I said maybe we should move the kids into their beds and we sleep in ours and she said no way. Then that lead to all this talk of divorce.


"After I got the kids to bed". Dude, if she DEMANDED you do something. You should have put your foot down the second the words came out of her mouth. "Excuse me? do not talk to me like that. If you need help, ask politely" and stare at her silently until she asks you politely. If she doesn't ask, then do not help her. Leave her to it. 

All you said here was "its ok to still walk on me, I might say something later but you can stomp that no problem and continue acting the same way."

Your words: "I said maybe we should move the kids into their beds and we sleep in ours and she said no way."

You said maybe and gave her a choice while you're having a fight and her current feeling on you is very low. When you know something is right, you do not ask. You make it happen. If she disagrees she can give you her opinion and you can consider it. Asking her anything right now will get you no where. She will NOT do what is best for the relationship. She will only respond based on how she is CURRENTLY FEELING.

Try this.

"Allowing our kids to walk all over us sets a very poor example for them. They need to learn boundaries and respect for their parents. They have beds and that is where they are going to sleep. You are not forced to sleep with me, but they are going to sleep in their bed and I am going to sleep in mine." 

You don't even have to talk about where she is going to sleep. You make the kids go where they are supposed to go, then you sleep in your bed and then she can join you if she wishes. If she sleeps on the couch, so be it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Coops said this flawlessly. The whole thing. I wouldn't change a word. I would only reinforce the point that ASKING her for a HUGE change in your marriage like where you sleep in the middle of a fight is not a good idea. 

Worse - she was behaving badly and in the middle of her bad behavior you did the "can we be closer together"? via sleeping arrangements. The message - right while she was being super disrespectful was "I love you so much". 




coops said:


> "After I got the kids to bed". Dude, if she DEMANDED you do something. You should have put your foot down the second the words came out of her mouth. "Excuse me? do not talk to me like that. If you need help, ask politely" and stare at her silently until she asks you politely. If she doesn't ask, then do not help her. Leave her to it.
> 
> All you said here was "its ok to still walk on me, I might say something later but you can stomp that no problem and continue acting the same way."
> 
> ...


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

I feel like an addict sometimes. It's just so easy to revert to old behaviors. I need a 12 step program!

She is pleasant this morning. Hard to believe she was saying those things last night. We have not talked further about it. A one point she just looked at me with a wry grin and shook her head a little. I asked her if she had anything to say and she said no... Only things coming out of my mouth are pleasantries, light banter, business issues and to shut her down when she starts on the negatives.

You guys are great and thanks for all the great advice.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Who is the primary breadwinner? 

Is she a SAHM?



MisterNiceGuy said:


> I feel like an addict sometimes. It's just so easy to revert to old behaviors. I need a 12 step program!
> 
> She is pleasant this morning. Hard to believe she was saying those things last night. We have not talked further about it. A one point she just looked at me with a wry grin and shook her head a little. I asked her if she had anything to say and she said no... Only things coming out of my mouth are pleasantries, light banter, business issues and to shut her down when she starts on the negatives.
> 
> You guys are great and thanks for all the great advice.


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Who is the primary breadwinner?
> 
> Is she a SAHM?


We own a business together and split our time working from home and working the retail and sales end of things. We both spend a fair amount of time away from each other. We know this to be a problem that we probably spend too much time together. She is looking for other work outside of our business to "do her own thing", which I respect since this business was one that I started.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Is the business doing well?
Is she overall "impressed" with your contribution to it/management of it?
How often does she express "frustration" with how you handle the business and specifically difficult customers/difficult customer situations?

My W sometimes would get furious because I couldn't "make" a customer do the "right" thing. I am skilled at problem resolution but I do not have a magic wand. Fortunately I let her handle enough of those situations herself so that she is now realistic about what can/cannot be achieved.




MisterNiceGuy said:


> We own a business together and split our time working from home and working the retail and sales end of things. We both spend a fair amount of time away from each other. We know this to be a problem that we probably spend too much time together. She is looking for other work outside of our business to "do her own thing", which I respect since this business was one that I started.


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

I won't name my type of business, but many times we the owners are idolized almost like rock stars sometimes. She loves that people want to "touch" me and idolize me. I think it turns her on. 

The business has been a source of contention over the past couple of years because it is "mine" and not hers. I started off running it but when she quit her corporate job and came to join me she starting running the day to day stuff. In the last six months or so she has said many times that she is sick of running it so I have been taking over the day to day decisions. I think she was more mad that I wasn't taking control. As of 10 days ago, I have told her several times this is my business. She is co-owner but I'm now making all the key decisions. The money was tight for a couple of years until last Fall, but things are doing much better. 




MEM11363 said:


> Is the business doing well?
> Is she overall "impressed" with your contribution to it/management of it?
> How often does she express "frustration" with how you handle the business and specifically difficult customers/difficult customer situations?
> 
> My W sometimes would get furious because I couldn't "make" a customer do the "right" thing. I am skilled at problem resolution but I do not have a magic wand. Fortunately I let her handle enough of those situations herself so that she is now realistic about what can/cannot be achieved.


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## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

I have followed this thread curiously. How MNG is being treated by his wife is exactly how my mom was treated (and still is) treated by my dad for their entire marriage (49 years). My dad treats virtually everyone he comes in contact with this way....ASSUMING they allow/put up with it. I highly doubt that MNG's wife is treating only him like crap & nobody else.

Coops and MEM are giving great advice. However, I'm gonna take a little different tack on this one. It seems as if knowing what to do is not the issue here. It's having the stones to actually do it that is the problem. I have told my mom several times over the years that my dad's behavior is really her fault. She is the one person who is in a position to influence him most & she has chosen to accommodate his abysmal behavior. He treated my brothers and me this way while we were growing up. He has tried to treat his grandchildren this way as well, but my brother and I have just not allowed that crap. My mom has been to counseling for decades trying to deal with my dad. I'm sure that she has gotten some great advice in the hundreds of sessions she has had. But my dad still treats her like crap & she accommodates it. And the therapists happily accept her money.......

In the end, as a father, MNG has a RESPONSIBILITY to follow the advice given by the more intelligent posters in this forum....or find some other way to either make his wife change her behavior or get the hell rid of her. For his kids' sake if not his own. People in our lives will behave as badly as we allow them to behave. Your kids need you to grow a pair.


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

The saga continues... didn't see much of my wife today. Spent a lot of time with the kids. She was pleasant today. She had a late meeting until about 8:30pm. Came home wanting to talk about it. I'm like WTF? (in my head) aren't you the same person that is leaving me? I have zero to say to you? She said, get this, "where's my perky husband that I've had for the last few days?" WTF? I just stare at her... She get's grumpy and stomps off... Comes back a minute later. She said she read my Kindle and was reading some of the N.U.T.s book and said that things are so far off that she has "no hope". I said "I hear you"... she is putting the kids to sleep now. I think there might be a major **** test tonight after the kids go to sleep. She is not happy with my minimal conversation today. No texting. No calling. No initiating conversation. She said I'm turning back into my old self before I found these books... must be a major **** test... I can be the perky person she wants me to be, but I have to tell you I'm exhausted from all this testing... wish me luck. I can't believe how fast this thing has flamed out. We just started this whole thing 4 weeks ago and she's shown almost no interest in any kind of reconciliation...

Everything that MEM said in the thermostat post hit home so I can only go down this path...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hold on there. Woa Woa. 

The thermostat is about how much you say "ILY" and initiate hugs and sex and call/text her and do "extra" acts of service. 

But remember I ALSO said that you need to be upbeat and fun to be around and positive when you ARE together. The "art" to this is to be fun/playful and pretend that none of her behavioral nonsense means much. She is VERY conflicted right now. YOU need to be the rock. Not the doormat but the rock. So when she comes home friendly and engaged DON'T give her a blast of negative energy. Be polite/friendly upbeat. Just don't be "loving". I know it is a subtle distinction but it will be the difference between marriage and divorce. 

Being "cool" does means not radiating love. It does NOT mean rejecting an opportunity for a positive uplifting conversation. 

This is hard stuff. You will get there.



MisterNiceGuy said:


> The saga continues... didn't see much of my wife today. Spent a lot of time with the kids. She was pleasant today. She had a late meeting until about 8:30pm. Came home wanting to talk about it. I'm like WTF? (in my head) aren't you the same person that is leaving me? I have zero to say to you? She said, get this, "where's my perky husband that I've had for the last few days?" WTF? I just stare at her... She get's grumpy and stomps off... Comes back a minute later. She said she read my Kindle and was reading some of the N.U.T.s book and said that things are so far off that she has "no hope". I said "I hear you"... she is putting the kids to sleep now. I think there might be a major **** test tonight after the kids go to sleep. She is not happy with my minimal conversation today. No texting. No calling. No initiating conversation. She said I'm turning back into my old self before I found these books... must be a major **** test... I can be the perky person she wants me to be, but I have to tell you I'm exhausted from all this testing... wish me luck. I can't believe how fast this thing has flamed out. We just started this whole thing 4 weeks ago and she's shown almost no interest in any kind of reconciliation...
> 
> Everything that MEM said in the thermostat post hit home so I can only go down this path...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

MNG.. you are losing the idea of the fitness test. The idea is if she says something ridiculous, you have to show it does not bother you emotionally. If you are doing something that she is reacting well to (acting perky)... you keep doing this regardless of the tests she throws in your face.


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

You probably sensed my frustration last night! I actually started looking up divorce lawyers!!!!

It's amazing how things can change on a dime. So after she puts the kids to bed, I'm just sitting in the living room reading No More Mr. Nice Guy again, trying to extract every bit of knowledge out of it. She comes out and just starts sobbing about how terrible she's been. She read some of the N.U.T.s book and she said she had become a terrible *****! Lots of crying on her part, lots of hugging from me and then we talk for 2 straight hours. She doesn't want to leave. She wants to work it out. She loves the changes she seen in me the past couple of weeks. She wants to kick the kids out of our bed. It was all good. I even got a fat kiss right before bed. Do you know what it's like not to kiss your wife for about six weeks!?!?! argh... I'm so happy move forward and work on the relationship...

Anyway, things are looking up and I still have a lot of work to do and I'm going to hang out here for a while because I still need a lot of support to get through this.



MEM11363 said:


> Hold on there. Woa Woa.
> 
> The thermostat is about how much you say "ILY" and initiate hugs and sex and call/text her and do "extra" acts of service.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MNG,

Really happy for you. 

You are really coming along quickly. 




MisterNiceGuy said:


> You probably sensed my frustration last night! I actually started looking up divorce lawyers!!!!
> 
> It's amazing how things can change on a dime. So after she puts the kids to bed, I'm just sitting in the living room reading No More Mr. Nice Guy again, trying to extract every bit of knowledge out of it. She comes out and just starts sobbing about how terrible she's been. She read some of the N.U.T.s book and she said she had become a terrible *****! Lots of crying on her part, lots of hugging from me and then we talk for 2 straight hours. She doesn't want to leave. She wants to work it out. She loves the changes she seen in me the past couple of weeks. She wants to kick the kids out of our bed. It was all good. I even got a fat kiss right before bed. Do you know what it's like not to kiss your wife for about six weeks!?!?! argh... I'm so happy move forward and work on the relationship...
> 
> Anyway, things are looking up and I still have a lot of work to do and I'm going to hang out here for a while because I still need a lot of support to get through this.


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## coops (Jan 24, 2011)

Great to hear it MNG!


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

Just a funny little snippet on the road to recovery... This morning she was talking about some new coffee she just got and how much she loved it and this and that and I just stared into her eyes and with her knowing that I heard every word she said. She started to cry because it had been so long since I had her full attention on something as mundane as her coffee! ah the little things...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MisterNiceGuy said:


> Just a funny little snippet on the road to recovery... This morning she was talking about some new coffee she just got and how much she loved it and this and that and I just stared into her eyes and with her knowing that I heard every word she said. She started to cry because it had been so long since I had her full attention on something as mundane as her coffee! ah the little things...


That's really nice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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