# The highly debated reconciliation letter, and my experience..



## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

Spoiler.... I don't believe there's any clear answer on the letter. However, I believe you'd better write it, even if you only end up keeping it all to your lonesome. 

I'd like to give a great big thanks to JLD for putting me on to the concept and the website that it originates from. When I read the article about how to cure a hardened wife, a lot of things made a lot of sense. I won't go into great detail on the concept, but more or less it's a truly empathetic letter intended to facilitate healing for you wife, completely independent of any effort to keep her. Of course, this only really applies to those who wish for some form of reconciliation. It's not for everyone. 

That being said, I decided to write my letter and hold on to it for the moment it would be most appropriate. That's if that moment ever came. Well, more and more, my wife has been receptive to talking bit by bit about things. She brought something up that gave me an opportunity to mention the letter. I validated her complaint with sincerity, and then I told her I had written the letter and would like to give it to her if there was ever a time that she thought she could appreciate it. I assured her it was just a simple and truly empathetic letter intended to validate her feelings in some way..... if possible. She told me that she was open to the letter. She asked me to send it, but cautioned me that she would read it on her own time. 

Here's an important highlight from my letter.. It's something I found online that really moved me. I think it's a good thing to understand, and a good thing to include in this type of letter if the shoe fits. She ended up really appreciating this point... And that is... there are three steps to a woman falling out of love with a man... These are commonly agreed upon by the professional community, based on common outcomes..

Step 1... the woman loses respect for the man.... I can't speak for anyone but myself, but in my case.... OF COURSE she lost respect for me... I called her names, I threatened divorce, and I neglected her.. Who wouldn't lose respect in that position?

Step 2... the woman loses attraction for the man.... again.. in my case, I was unhappy with myself. Her actions contributed to that, but it was my place to fix the problem within myself. Once someone loses respect for you, then you become an ugly person to them. It took something ugly to get them to lose respect in the first place. These steps are more like three dominoes. 

Step 3.. the woman falls out of love with the man… This is really just the third domino, and it’s only inevitible.. once a woman loses respect and attraction for a man, then she begins to wonder what her life would be like without him. In my humble opinion, I don’t think men think like this very often, but we should… If I had thought about this years ago, I’d probably have a healthy marriage with the woman I love more than life itself. We’d better always think carefully and hard about what our lives would be like without the ones we love being a part of it anymore… By step 3, it is most often too late to save the relationship, statistically speaking. 

When I read this, it really did move me. These were things I often acused my wife of. It made so much sense. The problem was, I thought these things happened for other reasons. I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t do enough. I wasn’t cutting it sexually… etc.. etc.. I felt pretty low about myself. Those were the reasons I concluded, but they were so wrong. Seeing these steps explained according to the science and the basic human survival instinct really put it into perspective for me. You can’t blame anyone for being human. 

So anyway, my wife had sent me a text earlier about license plates. She said something that gave me an opportunity to apologize for not getting the plates weeks ago. One thing led to another, and I found suddenly that she was pretty receptive to my apolgies. For the first time, she was responsive and open to a conversation about her feelings. It was till pretty brief, but I took the opportunity to share some of the critical points from my letter with her in our texts. The main thing I shared were the three steps above.

Well, guess what? She really appreciated it. My suspicion was at least somewhat correct, that she would benefit from hearing it from me. I don’t think she had really even put her finger on it. I didn’t either until I came across the info. It made sense to her too. The interesting thing is, again, I did instinctively accuse her of the three steps several times. In fact, I did my best to make her feel terrible for disrespecting me, not acting like she was attracted to me, and not acting like she loved me… Coinidence? Nah.. If only I had learned the steps sooner… 

So in conclusion, the letter has ended up being effective for me. And, I’m proud to say that it isn’t about inceasing the odds of her coming back. I do hope it does show her my growth, but more importantly, I genuinely hope that it helps with her healing process. No matter what, I want to be a good influence in her life from now on. I truly hope that she may have a change of heart, but I will be better off knowing I have contributed to her happiness either way. I don’t want her to go on believing any of the terrible things I told her about herself so many times. People tend to believe it once they have heard it enough. I really want to be a part of her healing and happiness, and that makes me proud. That’s what really made me smile today. 

Sorry if I’m posting too much, but I really thought this was some good info. If you want your spouse back, then write the letter honestly. You may never have the opportunity to give it to her, but it’s therapeutic for you to tell it to the pages anyway. If the chance does come up, then it probably will be effecitve in some way if it’s well written and focused on empathy for your spouse. It’s a gray area, and should be used with caution. However, it should never be ruled out, if you ask me. Thanks again, JLD.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

What a beautiful post, lost. 

Your rapid growth is nothing short of amazing. It is so heartwarming to see your progress in humility and empathy and transparency. 

Like @Faithful Wife, I have high hopes for your reconciliation. And I can only imagine how healing your words and actions are now to your wife. 

I am so proud of you, lost.  

You could have become bitter and punitive. So many do. 

But you chose the high road, the path of maturity. And it is already paying off. 

Your progress here is what I hope for all the men of TAM: owning their own hand in their marital troubles, and reaching out to their wives in humility and empathy. There is so much power in both. 

I feel so blessed to be witnessing your transformation. And I am so happy that _Ultimate Husband _website can be part of your, and her, healing.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Have you found out who she is banging yet?


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

jld said:


> What a beautiful post, lost.
> 
> Your rapid growth is nothing short of amazing. It is so heartwarming to see your progress in humility and empathy and transparency.
> 
> ...



That's so very flattering, JLD, but I don't consider my efforts to be amazing. I just consider them to be corrections. I don't want to take any credit for what I should have been doing all along by default. I don't feel like an amazing person, but I feel like a good person with good intentions. 

I agree, it seems so many have made the choice to hold grudges. I can understand that, but it's not healthy. Holding a grudge toward someone only lets them know that they matter. They can affect your thoughts and feelings and make you angry. It's not good for anyone if you ask me. Let go for yourself.. don't hold on to a bitter grudge that will only leave you unsatisfied. That's my position from here on out. 

I'm happy that things have gone this way too, all considered. I just never would have been willing to admit my problem and be a better person if I didn't have this eye opening experience this has brought on me. I have hope, and that's more than I imagined I could have. I have hope no matter the outcome. I'm very thankful to you and everyone who has helped me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lost_without_her said:


> That's so very flattering, JLD, but I don't consider my efforts to be amazing. I just consider them to be corrections. I don't want to take any credit for what I should have been doing all along by default. I don't feel like an amazing person, but I feel like a good person with good intentions.
> 
> I agree, it seems so many have made the choice to hold grudges. I can understand that, but it's not healthy. Holding a grudge toward someone only lets them know that they matter. They can affect your thoughts and feelings and make you angry. It's not good for anyone if you ask me. Let go for yourself.. don't hold on to a bitter grudge that will only leave you unsatisfied. That's my position from here on out.
> 
> I'm happy that things have gone this way too, all considered. I just never would have been willing to admit my problem and be a better person if I didn't have this eye opening experience this has brought on me. I have hope, and that's more than I imagined I could have. I have hope no matter the outcome. I'm very thankful to you and everyone who has helped me.


Totally agree. 

You are a light in the darkness, lost, even if you do not realize it. You have grown more in 10 days than some people grow in a lifetime.

I am sorry to gush. I am just so, so proud of you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So if you find out she's had an affair going with some guy for the last 6 months or a year, howare you going to feel about all this?

Are you going through write it all off to your "anger" driving her to it?

She has drawn a dismal picture of you as her husband. Now you're painting her your own Dorian Grey.

I hope you are able to nice her back, that she truly sees you differently and still has feelings left for you that just need to be unearthed. 

I'm skeptical.
You are feeling big pretty good about her right now. You think she's reacting well and you have a chance. I hope you are correct.
You can even identify the grudgeholders and bitter men out there that are more monstrous than anyone. The thing is, some of us have a helluva lot more experience with a walk away wife than you. 

I hope are still posting in a few months when things turn out different than you expected.

All the feel good hardened wife letter stuff is 99% BS. It just doesn't work in most cases.

Talk to us when she moves back home when her boyfriend dumps her.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> So if you find out she's had an affair going with some guy for the last 6 months or a year, howare you going to feel about all this?
> 
> Are you going through write it all off to your "anger" driving her to it?
> 
> ...


Evin, I'm not as optimistic as you think as far as her coming back. I realize it's a long shot. It's not that I think I have a great chance, it's that I have any chance. And maybe I don't, but I'm still doing this for the sake of my own well being. Even if she does not, I feel I will be better off having been the bigger person.

As for an affair, it's not like the thought has never crossed my mind. But let me ask you something. Really what's the difference in someone leaving you for someone else and someone leaving you because they don't want to be with you? Either way, they didn't want to be with you. If someone treated me the way I treated her, I would not feel bad about running to someone else. It's not right, but it's not inconceivable in a human world. And even if I had caught her in an affair, it wouldn't give me any good reason to turn around and have an unhealthy reaction and get mad forever. If someone doesn't want me, then I don't need them. And, I'd rather not let it bother me or let it see her bother me.

Here's what I know... I know a woman doesn't leave an 11 year relationship because of any one blowup. She told me that she had no thoughts of leaving before the fight happened, but I know better. She's always been the one to try and protect my feelings anytime the truth would hurt. I don't feel like it's likely that she walked away from 11 years overnight. A few months back, she suddenly started displaying all of the typical signs of Step 3.. One day she just got up, started using teeth whitener, tanning, going to the gym, new underwear, etc... Just look up any FB story that says.. "10 sings your spouse is having an affair." A part of me does think that she probably did find someone else, but step 3 is all about the woman seeing her life without you, and that may include seeing her life with someone else. She even once told me many years ago that her deepest darkest secret was that she dreaded being alone. She couldn't leave one man without having someone else lined up. There is every sign here for me to assume she's had / having an affair, but at the end of the day what a man is really mad about is that he's inadequate to keep her and she doesn't want him. The answer is to be the bigger person if you ask me. I can swallow my pride to become a better person. I think the answer is to just accept that she didn't want me, and work on fixing the things that made me so unlikable. 

Fact is, I have no proof. I have spent a lot of times in my life driving myself crazy with speculation, and take it from me.. it does no good. If I found proof of infidelity, then yes it would probably change things. I still wouldn't completely rule it out, but I don't know that I would want her to come back in the event she has had an affair. It's only less likely that she'd want to come back anyway, if she's moved on to someone else. And would it be helpful to be premature about it? What if she's really not? What if she isn't, and I accuse her of it? Is that going to help anything? It would all very much depend on the circumstances and her explanation. Some people have survived affairs and gone on to live very happy lives together with no regrets. I'd like to think I'm mature enough to conceive of that, because it doesn't make sense to me to not consider all of your options. You could be passing on the best thing for you. I'm just not ruling anything out.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

lost_without_her said:


> Evin, I'm not as optimistic as you think as far as her coming back. I realize it's a long shot. It's not that I think I have a great chance, it's that I have any chance. And maybe I don't, but I'm still doing this for the sake of my own well being. Even if she does not, I feel I will be better off having been the bigger person.
> 
> As for an affair, it's not like the thought has never crossed my mind. But let me ask you something. Really what's the difference in someone leaving you for someone else and someone leaving you because they don't want to be with you? Either way, they didn't want to be with you. If someone treated me the way I treated her, I would not feel bad about running to someone else. It's not right, but it's not inconceivable in a human world. And even if I had caught her in an affair, it wouldn't give me any good reason to turn around and have an unhealthy reaction and get mad forever. If someone doesn't want me, then I don't need them. And, I'd rather not let it bother me or let it see her bother me.
> 
> ...


Good luck Lost,
I am not nearly as big-hearted, much more prone to anger, and certainly not as optimistic as you! My best friend's dad (we are very close) told me I'm the only person he knew that could find a bucket of **** at the end of a rainbow......

So keep your chin up and do the best you can, however you can. I hope you get past the worst of it soon, whatever happens.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Good luck Lost,
> I am not nearly as big-hearted, much more prone to anger, and certainly not as optimistic as you! My best friend's dad (we are very close) told me I'm the only person he knew that could find a bucket of **** at the end of a rainbow......
> 
> So keep your chin up and do the best you can, however you can. I hope you get past the worst of it soon, whatever happens.


I wasn't this way just a week and a half ago. I have been an angry person for most of my life over bad things that happened. I never faced my anger, and I never knew how to. Tell me one time that you feel angry and it doesn't suck? It means your feelings were hurt. Some anger is healthy, but being angry forever is not healthy at all. I'd give anything to have all the time back that I wasted being angry and staying angry. That's why it's especially important for me to control my anger, now that I have begun to face my issue and accept the facts. I can't let my anger control me. Misery is a choice. We can't control what people do that make us miserable, but we can control what we do about it. I'm going to fix myself so much and learn to love myself so much that nobody has the power to take away my happiness, no matter what they do. When you don't need anyone else to feel good about yourself, then you are free. That's my mentality. I really do appreciate your encouragement and your honest perspectives. Thank you.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

D*mn, brother! You're me, two years ago. Congrats on how you're handling yourself. Keep working on that, It's clear you 'got this'.

Just watch out for the potholes along this road. They will come. The times when you lose faith (not THAT kind, faith in your self), when you wonder "what's she doing now?", where you go from here.

As I had to discover, when I was where you're at now, the only way to get through it is to push through it. Stay on the track you're on. This strength, this self reliance you're finding is going to make you a better man. A stronger man. 

Have a look into the book, "Hold on to Your N.u.t.s" by Wayne Levine. Definitely some positive, helpful advice in there, I found. There's short clips of his talks on YouTube to give you an idea of where he's coming from. 

And IF it turns out she left for less than honest reasons, you'll have the toolkit to be able to cope with that. I wondered, worried, and feared my Lady bailed for another person. The burn victims of TAM spouting negative cr*p like "Have you found out who she is banging yet?" didn't help.

Turns out it was just to get her head together. The last thing she wanted was to find 'answers' in someone elses bed. (YMMV)


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I just took a look at this web site you are talking about - "The Ultimate Husband". Speaking as a woman and a wife, I think there are some real nuggets of gold here for both women and men! One interesting article to me that hit home was the article on "The Controlling Wife". Because of other threads here at TAM and on other forums - I have been thinking about this topic lately - specifically as it relates to LD wives controlling sex. The concept that the desire to control others can be based on fear is not a new concept to me - but for some reason I never connected it to women controlling their husbands the way this article did. 

Anyways - lots of things to consider from this website.

I think the fact that you are taking a look at yourself and your contributions to the break up of your marriage is commendable and very mature. The only one we can really control is ourselves. So to be angry and bitter about what our spouse is doing or not doing is really useless energy in the long run. And as you have pointed out - it only serves to push them further away - and never ever draws them closer. Having compassion and trying to see things through their eyes is always a good idea for any relationship. Learning to control ourselves, keeping our anger and hurtful tongue under strict control is also always a good idea. So I think you are on the right track. Keep it up! It may be too late for your current marriage - but maybe not. If it is - it certainly will help in your next relationship. 

Good Luck!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DayOne said:


> D*mn, brother! You're me, two years ago. Congrats on how you're handling yourself. Keep working on that, It's clear you 'got this'.
> 
> Just watch out for the potholes along this road. They will come. The times when you lose faith (not THAT kind, faith in your self), when you wonder "what's she doing now?", where you go from here.
> 
> ...


I disagree. He has just told us there are a list of red flags a mile long. He is likely getting played. He needs the truth to make decisions about certain things, and we want him to have that truth. A person needs the facts to make informed decisions. He deserves the truth, and we don't think he's getting it.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> I disagree. He has just told us there are a list of red flags a mile long. He is likely getting played. He needs the truth to make decisions about certain things, and we want him to have that truth. A person needs the facts to make informed decisions. He deserves the truth, and we don't think he's getting it.


There are no facts, if there are any at all. But the A££-umption is she must be banging someone else. Let him do any digging that needs to be done. IF he finds out she is 'banging someone', THEN you can pick up the pitchforks, burning torches and form a mob.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

lost_without_her said:


> I wasn't this way just a week and a half ago. I have been an angry person for most of my life over bad things that happened. I never faced my anger, and I never knew how to. Tell me one time that you feel angry and it doesn't suck? It means your feelings were hurt. Some anger is healthy, but being angry forever is not healthy at all. I'd give anything to have all the time back that I wasted being angry and staying angry. That's why it's especially important for me to control my anger, now that I have begun to face my issue and accept the facts. I can't let my anger control me. Misery is a choice. We can't control what people do that make us miserable, but we can control what we do about it. I'm going to fix myself so much and learn to love myself so much that nobody has the power to take away my happiness, no matter what they do. When you don't need anyone else to feel good about yourself, then you are free. That's my mentality. I really do appreciate your encouragement and your honest perspectives. Thank you.


Your quick "growth" is really just you going through the stages of grief. Expect to move back and forth between them and have your emotions vacillate as part of the process. For the record, I really like and appreciate JLD's posts since she helps to balance out a lot of the other people on TAM. However, a lot of what she advocates just isn't realistic and isn't likely to help you heal or create a strong relationship foundation with your wife (actually STBXWW). It's also not the way that strong/confident/independent men live their life.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

I only have a few minutes. I'll try to reply to everyone later, but I really appreciate all the perspectives and encouragement. Evin, I'm not assuming to know the truth, I'm simply considering the bigger picture. Maybe some of you are jaded from bad experiences, but I don't think that's the way you become a stronger person. Personally, I feel that makes us weaker. It's probably not even going to matter in the end, because it's so unlikely she'll ever want to come back. Seems silly to waste time and energy on something you can't control. It's ineffective. 

Banana, I know it's easy to feel this way when you're in the hot seat. I'm under no illusions that I won't have a long road ahead, but I know I'm not the same person I was a week ago. Today I'm not the same person I was yesterday. I know much of my progress is real. I know this mostly because of therapy and anger mgmt. This is my second divorce. It has been an eye opening experience. I have never even tried to face my issues before. After my first divorce, I was depressed for weeks to the point I didn't leave the house. I have grown from this and I will grow from this more. I also disagree with you that JLD's perspective is unrealistic. There are many different types of people, and it's not all cut and dried. I think a strong, confident, independent man can have compassion and be stronger for it. In my eyes, a strong man can express his love and take the pain without losing himself. Different strokes for different folks I guess.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

lost_without_her said:


> Spoiler.... I don't believe there's any clear answer on the letter. However, I believe you'd better write it, even if you only end up keeping it all to your lonesome.
> 
> I'd like to give a great big thanks to JLD for putting me on to the concept and the website that it originates from. When I read the article about how to cure a hardened wife, a lot of things made a lot of sense. I won't go into great detail on the concept, but more or less it's a truly empathetic letter intended to facilitate healing for you wife, completely independent of any effort to keep her. Of course, this only really applies to those who wish for some form of reconciliation. It's not for everyone.
> 
> ...


Good luck to you @lost_without_her. 

I did this same approach a while back but don't think I talked about it on here, my story did not go as well as yours though LOL, she thanked me and told me it was fake and not me i dont think like that, I was trying to sweep past under the rug and that she could not do that, I am glad your W sounds open to exploring a relationship with you again.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I do totally agree with you that whether she's been cheating or just wants out of the marriage because she's unhappy---- the result is the same, and how you handle it will be similar. You're expecting to move on with no anger and no residual feelings. If you can, and don't have to find out about any of the other things that might be taking place, it's probably for the best. No need in dwelling on it and being unhappy. Just move on and find happiness is definitely the way to go. 

HOWEVER, you thinking you can just be buddies and go on with things---- if she's a good person that would be one thing, if there was no cheating it would be another (she already has), but having a friendship involves trust and there is no reason for you to have that in this person. You would NO DOUBT be better off excluding her as a "friend", but you are still wanting her attention and her thoughts. 
I think you're right in abandoning the negative emotions toward her, but are misguided in considering her for friendship. She's basically proven that she's not friend material IMO.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She is only being receptive and talking with you because she is happy to finally be free. Once you leave the situation that has made you miserable, its very liberating. Sorry. 

Keep moving forward.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> She is only being receptive and talking with you because she is happy to finally be free. Once you leave the situation that has made you miserable, its very liberating. Sorry.
> 
> Keep moving forward.


You called it for me back in January on my how to reconnect with Wife thread!!! She gave me the hot and cold and the roller coaster of emotions for months and i got my hopes all the ways back and then CRASH!!!!!! and we are currently expediting our Divorce process and have a couple weeks left. I hope it works out for OP but thinking back to what you told me below and what my W has since told me its going to be a tough road. 

*Everyone here is awfully optimistic about your chances of success, which yes, is a nice thought, and some have succeeded. I am here from the other side, in that I WAS your wife...and I was DONE. After years of being ignored, treated as less than, etc...I was DONE and there wasnt a damn thing he could have done to make me stay or change my mind. I lost a lot of what respect I had left for him when, after I said I was leaving, he got clingy and overbearing... that made me run even faster, and I had already had my arrangements made.*


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

Evin, she is a good person. Good people make mistakes. If you knew her, it would be a bit more easy to conceive, I think. I still think your overemphasizing the friendship point. I really think she was just trying to be polite. I think if she does pursue a friendship, it would be under the circumstance that she wants to test the waters. More likely, my guess is, we will never hang out. There's still no sense to me in not being cordial, and especially for the sake of my son. Chances are, it probably will never even come up again. 

3X, I disagree with you. Yes, she is enjoying her new found independence. However, she doesn't need to talk to me at all to do that. I'm sure that you're right about her feeling liberated. I'm not trying to be overly optimistic by any means, but you just have to know her. She really is a very caring person. It's really not that inconceivable to me that we could actually be friends. Plenty of people are great friends after a divorce. You certainly won't be if you don't want to be, and you won't be if you don't try. It will take a lot of maturity, but that's good for you.


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