# Intimacy during the divorce - just more bait & switch?



## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

Wondering if others have experienced a spouse who after years of belligerent and confrontational behaviour still occasionally tries some tenderness and intimacy, even after receiving the divorce papers? And how'd you handle it?

Wife & I stopped MC in early December (after 14 months) agreeing with councillor that separation/divorce only outcome after long conflict-ridden and intimacy-free marriage. After a hostile xmas with wife's usual tantrums, by early Jan she was hesitating on getting her lawyer (despite threatening divorce regularly for last 3 years and agreeing no way to reconcile) so I gave her the papers last week. 

A few days later and she's initiating morning cuddles. WTF?

Maybe foolishly, but I half-heartedly played along and we dozed for a few mins before I got up and on with my day. I am very wary of being pissy about this stuff and acting all butt-hurt. Also, I can't say I did not enjoy the closeness of another adult, but convinced it's just another extreme mood-swing, or her trying to show that I'm the bad-guy.

So, how best to handle this? We're gonna be sharing a bed for the next 6 months and while sex is certainly off the agenda, divorce is hard on us both and maybe some minimal physical contact could smooth the way and deflect some of the natural anger we'll both be feeling during the process?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If you are still sleeping in the same bed by agreement for 6 months, you might as well initiate sex and intimacy. Take it, give it, don't be needy. If she rejects you, smile. Let her leave the bed wondering what she is missing.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

I do not understand sharing a bed...a house or apartment is tough enough to share, while splitting up. Why on earth the same bed? If you can't move out, why not a sleeping bag or a rollaway bed?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

In the same bed and sex is off the table? Sorry but that doesnt sound like a solid plan.


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## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> If you are still sleeping in the same bed by agreement for 6 months, you might as well initiate sex and intimacy.


I don't want her to think it's still on as a relationship, I do not think we can find somewhere that we both find acceptable. After a decade of malaise followed by the last 3 years trying to salvage something, I'm done. 



Jane139 said:


> I do not understand sharing a bed... why not a sleeping bag or a rollaway bed?


Sure, I have a sofa in my office but I will not leave the bedroom. She suggested I move bedroom 18 months ago, but I turned down the chance to be a nice-guy. 

I will move out when I buy a new house, so need to sell the family home first. She'll need the money from the sale before she can move on to so I don't see any other option.



richie33 said:


> In the same bed and sex is off the table? Sorry but that doesnt sound like a solid plan.


Sex has been off the table for a very long time (once a year with a couple of happy endings in-between), so nothing new. 

Thing is, I still find her very attractive (physically), a fine looking woman, and during the few periods of normality over the last 20 years the sex some of the best. We had 4 months of 4 times/week rampant rutting early last year, but she suddenly convinced herself I was having an affair (a repeating theme) and went back to weekly rage-fests. 

Part of me wants to get it while I can! But I'm worried she might consider it 'make-up-sex' making the divorce more complicated and hostile (2 teenage sons in the house). Just wondered if others had any good or bad experiences.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Twin beds.


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

I was thinking that once the divorce motion was in action that you had to be living in separate places? My ex and I parted as soon as she started it, there's no way I could stay knowing that it's over. I seem to remember on one of the pages that it asked if you were still in the same house and I always thought that was a stipulation, but I guess not??


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Once I told my ex that I was going to leave, she asked me to hold off a few months until a certain milestone was reached with our son. After 24 years, a few months would make little difference, so I agreed, and we made no outwardly visible changes. However, she initiated another last ditch attempt at MC, and ramped up the sex. No doubt one last effort to get me to change my mind, even though we both knew it was the right decision for the right reasons. After 24 mostly sexless years, I wasn't going to say no, but it wasn't going to change my mind, either.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

To me this isn't a right or wrong thing and it just is what it is....sex. Oddly we had a rough breakup and divorced, then out of the blue she called me for a booty call. I was not in a relationship with anyone else, so excepted, but both understood it was just a physical thing. There was no need to call her the next week, no flowers, do obligation, it was just physical. Eventually, she did a couple of things that made me never want to see her again and I have lived happily ever after. Sex was never a problem, it was the other 23 hours in the day.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> So, how best to handle this? We're gonna be sharing a bed for the next 6 months and while sex is certainly off the agenda, divorce is hard on us both and maybe some minimal physical contact could smooth the way and deflect some of the natural anger we'll both be feeling during the process?


Contact and sex are both ways to trying to fight the split IMO.


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## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

I'm guessing the occasional charm-offensives are just 'fighting the split' as LW suggest. 

Jeez, she threw a loud hissyfit in front of the kids (& their friends) full of accusations and shaming yesterday over the use of the salad crisper in the fridge, then 1 hour later admitted she was wrong and came out with an ILY! The first time she's tried this line since the summer. 

Meh, the 180 keeping me sane in her maelstrom of feelz.


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## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

BurningHeart said:


> I was thinking that once the divorce motion was in action that you had to be living in separate places? My ex and I parted as soon as she started it, there's no way I could stay knowing that it's over. I seem to remember on one of the pages that it asked if you were still in the same house and I always thought that was a stipulation, but I guess not??


No stipulation to be separated for 'no-fault' divorce here (in Euroland). In fact, the divorce is likely to be final before the house is sold (and she gets my cash payoff), so unless she moves out, we'll likely be bed-sharing as recent divorcees for a few months. That should be fun!


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Still living together, still sleeping in same bed is not being separated.


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