# Are there different "types" of separation?



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

As in, some people separate to cool off so that they can work on things without the daily stress building up and interfering with their ability to deal with the actual problems. And some people separate as a foot out the door on the way to divorce. 

When you separate, how do you go about it? 
Does the one spouse just leave and then you discuss it later? 
Do you sit down and hash out what is acceptable and what isn't? 
Or just take some time to cool off and discuss what to do next? 
Is it bad if one insists it be a trial? 
Is it wrong to want a timeline? 

Sorry so many questions in one. I am pretty sure this is coming, and while it will hurt, it might actually be a good thing. Just hurts to take that step. The walking on eggshells and closing each other out is not getting us anywhere. And I'm prepared to do my 180.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

My wife left and the only thing we discussed was finances prior to her leaving...

Once she left, I spent a few weeks begging her to come back...I stopped even talking to her after that...

Once I accepted she was gone, I cooled off...no contact and worked on myself...things ain't perfect, I've messed up sometmes and played into her game, but things are better now...

there is no trial...either your separated or not...either your working to make things better or your not...

At first I was a firm believer in timelines, but no more...I think every situation has a different timeline and these are constantly changing...circumstances change...my wife got a second job and had to put her counseling on hold, so we had to put couples counseling on hold...it just depends on how devoted to the relationship you are and how much you can take...every situation is different, every relationship is different...


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## CaliMomof3 (Jan 3, 2011)

My separation was a bit of an odd one, so I think. I asked him to move out. No discussion, no agreement. I told him I needed time and space and he left but continued to smother me, as he still does and it's been almost 9 months. He pays the bills; this is his desire. I wanted to divide things but he insists on continuing to pay so I try to be considerate and not take advantage or give the appearance of taking advantage. We have filed with our lawyers and are now in limbo-land. I don't know what else to share but each relationship is different as is each family and what works for you best is really all that matters. I don't believe there is a "right" or "wrong" way for anything. Trust in yourself. It's hard but a necessity. Good luck!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I just meant by trial, like he goes and just stays with his parents for 2 weeks or a month and gets the feel for what it would be like to be out of the house (gets the kids every other weekend and things like that). He needs a wakeup call. Because while he is emotionally messed up by our marriage's turmoil and tension, he is getting the upper hand. And I can't just keep being pulled along while he decides if it's worth saving. I can't act all indifferent like I don't care when he's around.


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## Igor420 (Feb 26, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> When you separate, how do you go about it?
> Does the one spouse just leave and then you discuss it later?
> Do you sit down and hash out what is acceptable and what isn't?
> Or just take some time to cool off and discuss what to do next?
> ...


1. She had basically decided many months ago(it seems now, though I didn't see it at the time). In the past few months I became aware that I was not the only one contributing to the downfall of the family, and shortly thereafter (as her behavior continued to worsen) I could see in hindsight how things had been going from great to awful in the past 4 years... that divorce was impossible to avoid. So, we made up a "separation agreement" which led to a lot of threats of taking me to court, where basically she got everything.... well, everything except my motorcycle, my clothes, my computer, ... oh, and several credit cards with thousands of dollars of debt. She finally signed the thing a couple weeks ago. When we've lived apart in Ontario for a year, we can do an "uncontested divorce". (that kindof answers 2 and 3 as well)
4. for many I'm sure a cool-off period might lead to reconciliation. (Since I can now see in my case that things have been bad for 3-4 years, plus her behavior in the last... half-a year or so in particular, I see divorce as a given... we just have to wait to avoid it costing lots of time and money [lawyers, etc]) in our jurisdiction.
5. A trial will be painful for everyone involved, not to mention costly, but I'm sure there are some divorces that might be best handled that way... depends on your situation, I suppose.
6. I see no issue in having a timeline... if there is going to be reconciliation it has to begin with a return of trust... if you both have timelines, and you both stick to them, that can help to rebuild trust. If, on the other-hand, it's a bit more grizzly than that, a timeline could still be very useful... might even want to get one or two witnesses to co-sign a timeline agreement with you, so that should things get ugly in court you'd have evidence of expectations vs. reality...

Hope that helps someone!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

LonelyNLost said:


> I just meant by trial, like he goes and just stays with his parents for 2 weeks or a month and gets the feel for what it would be like to be out of the house (gets the kids every other weekend and things like that). He needs a wakeup call. Because while he is emotionally messed up by our marriage's turmoil and tension, he is getting the upper hand. And I can't just keep being pulled along while he decides if it's worth saving. I can't act all indifferent like I don't care when he's around.


When we first started having problems, my wife got a room at a hotel with cheaper weekly rates and a kitchen. She was gone for a week.

Second time, we had talked some things over, and we (mostly she) decided she should get an apartment. She signed a 6 month lease - which later got extended to 12 on a month to month basis.

She moved home in late November and things are now better. But I think she needed to do some things she couldn't do while living at home - needed to make some mistakes - in order to appreciate our marriage.

She also didn't begin to appreciate it until i started having minimal contact with her. At first we would still talk every night before bedtime - or she'd stay for dinner. But then she could still go out later with her friends. Pretty good deal for her at that point in time.

One good thing about it was that i learned that I could make it without her. I missed her - but it wasn't killing me - I wasn't "longing" for her. Knowing that I'd be OK either way gave me a little more strength and courage.

Separation is tough. I don't think it usually works out too well. If my wife had just had "one man" in waiting so to speak that she planned to get closer to, I don't think we would have made it.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> When we first started having problems, my wife got a room at a hotel with cheaper weekly rates and a kitchen. She was gone for a week.
> 
> Second time, we had talked some things over, and we (mostly she) decided she should get an apartment. She signed a 6 month lease - which later got extended to 12 on a month to month basis.
> 
> ...


I think we are headed this way. Started with 5 days away (where I know he wasn't honest about his whereabouts for various reasons). He's supposed to come back tomorrow, but looking at bank records, he's probably at his parents' house, 20 minutes away. I'm hoping he doesn't come home tomorrow while I'm at work and pack his things to go stay there for awhile, but I almost know for certain this is what will happen. He hasn't talked to me since Friday, I got one text yesterday. I always thought we'd survive, but I don't know. He told me he loves me but he doesn't NEED me. Hard to hear. So, I need to live for me. Exactly what you said it took you awhile to realize.


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