# How do you heal from the loss rather than grow bitter?



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

It's now almost a month since my stbxh ended the possibility of reconciliation for good. He asked for a divorce the first time in March of 2012. I "processed" my grief then by quickly jumping into a rebound relationship. This time, I decided I didn't want to do that. I need to not drag some poor shmuck into my sh*t. I need to get over my ex before I get into another relationship. But, how does one actively do that? 

I'm convinced that time alone can't get you over someone. Over time you can get more closed, more bitter, more afraid. So if you want to heal rather than become bitter, what are the steps? I'd been debating this with myself for the first three weeks after the end of reconciliation and realizing I just felt crappy all the time. I mean, yes, makes sense that I would feel crappy, but I think there was an extra added element of crappiness because I was holding on to my grief for the express purpose of "processing" it. Last weekend I did a little meditation on the subject and realized that I don't need to hold onto the hurt. I can feel it and let it go and I did that for a few minutes. Ever since then I've felt much better. Haven't thought of him much. Haven't felt bitter. Haven't CRIED, which I was doing pretty much every day. 

Thoughts? What steps have you actively taken to make sure you're healing and not turning bitter?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

How about connecting with friends or family? Finding the time to enjoy others, have a good laugh, not dwell on your own past? Move outward not inward?

I find that being single is liberating and free. I am happy, not bitter. Life is an adventure. I have friends I hang out with, men I flirt with (who flirt back)  and I am generally comfortable and optimistic about the future. I have no time for bitter reflection or for any regrets.

How to get there is to start small. Have lunch with a friend. Laugh and observe people. Live in the present. Humor. That works for me.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

survivorwife said:


> How about connecting with friends or family? Finding the time to enjoy others, have a good laugh, not dwell on your own past? Move outward not inward?
> 
> I find that being single is liberating and free. I am happy, not bitter. Life is an adventure. I have friends I hang out with, men I flirt with (who flirt back)  and I am generally comfortable and optimistic about the future. I have no time for bitter reflection or for any regrets.
> 
> How to get there is to start small. Have lunch with a friend. Laugh and observe people. Live in the present. Humor. That works for me.


I'm beginning to see that these kinds of things really are part of the healing process. I guess I thought if I'm not wallowing in grief, crying my eyes out, going to therapy, that somehow I am whistling past the graveyard; distracting myself rather than "processing." But comforting myself is healing. Being with friends is healing. Laughing is healing.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> I'm beginning to see that these kinds of things really are part of the healing process. I guess I thought if I'm not wallowing in grief, crying my eyes out, going to therapy, that somehow I am whistling past the graveyard; distracting myself rather than "processing." But comforting myself is healing. Being with friends is healing. Laughing is healing.


True. Eventually (rumor has it) time heals all wounds. The pain does lessen. The memories are part of the past. Sometimes I read this forum, CWI in particular, and offer advise to those whose pain is in the present. That helps me heal. Helping others. I've always been one to look for the "lighter side" and find humor in some of the craziest experiences (mine or others), but the bottom line is that your future has not been written yet. Make it what you want. Some people enjoy being bitter. They thrive on it. I do not. You apparently do not either and are looking for ways to move forward.

Learn to smile and laugh again. Take each day as a new adventure. You will be fine. Trust yourself.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

It was simple. I had several friends who had good marriages and wonderful husbands. So I know that there are lots of great men out there; I just didn't find one the first try. Doesn't mean I never will. All men aren't the same, obviously. I just focused on that and being happy for those who did have good marriages. He started dating someone very shortly after; then again, I did, too. (And he has PI photos to prove it so I guess it bothered him LOL). It didn't bother me because I knew he'd be the same way with her that he was with me. When she broke off the engagement I knew she'd seen his real side, although they are still dating years later.

So stop focusing on ex, divorce in general, having a partner and just try to live for today and enjoy other people's happiness and feel content in knowing that you can get to a happy place. 

If it weren't for the valleys, there would be no mountains!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Time, for me, has been the answer. With more time, you get farther and farther away from what happened and the pain lessens. 

That doesn't mean you aren't left w/o scars, it just means you heal.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

All good. I think there's still a part of me that is afraid I will jump into another relationship too soon like I did the first time around. I want to not do that. But the loneliness can get overwhelming. The socializing with women friends seems to be helping that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What makes you think you would jump too soon? Do you mean dating too soon after the divorce or just falling into a relationship too soon w/ someone (going fast w/ someone)?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> What makes you think you would jump too soon? Do you mean dating too soon after the divorce or just falling into a relationship too soon w/ someone (going fast w/ someone)?


I fell quickly into a relationship with someone after my stbxh asked for a divorce the first time. And...going fast is pretty much my MO with dating in general. Sleeping with people too soon after starting to date them, etc.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Some days I still get very sad. I was bitter at one point, but not anymore. What has helped me is to own every single little thing I think I did wrong in my marriage, and finding out why.
It is exhausting but that has helped me tremendously. Not everyone is the same, we all heal differently.
I have also learned to love myself with all my faults, I also accept him (ex) for what he is, his faults, his mistakes, everything. 
Ultimately, I think forgiveness is the key to being truly happy.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

There will be good days and bad. At first, the thoughts are obsessive and gradually other thoughts take the place of the negatives.

If there are any interests or hobbies you couldn't pursue due to the relationship stifling you, make a list and work towards bringing some of the other interests back in your life. It is easy to forget what simple things in life give us the most pleasure. It is not selfish, but now you can start positive thinking to live and do a few things you enjoy that you couldn't before.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

My feeling is this.. I don't want to make anyone pay for my X's treatment of me. I don't want the negativity of the divorce to taint any new relationship.. I don't want the focus of any new relationship to have ANYTHING to do with my relationship with X. 

So.. to accomplish that, for me, I am.. getting the divorce finalized. Getting the house sold (he left me with all the work of getting it on the market and there is a ton!) and getting into at least a rental place until I can build my place on my piece of land. Stop the near day-to-day fighting with him over things divorce related (or even weekly! he tainted so much of our early relationship with HIS divorce-we met while going through divorces, bad decision- with his endless drama with his ex, that I don't want that shadowing anything new that I have) and I really don't want to look at anyone I am starting to date and right off the bat be thinking, are they a cheater, are they a liar?

Not that I won't be a bit more open to the signs of it, but I certainly don't want my focus on life to MAKE SURE they are not.. KWIM?

Also, in my case, since my X was a pill popping alcoholic, there was a whole lot of codependency going on, and I've lost a lot of myself. I can't remember a lot of my joy in my old hobbies. My hobby was making HIM happy.. I want to take the time to find out what *I* like and feel and think and want to be, before I find someone that I want to be with.. 

That's how it's working with me..


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

browneyes74 said:


> My feeling is this.. I don't want to make anyone pay for my X's treatment of me...


...Least of all, yourself.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

“Perhaps the noblest private act is the unheralded effort to ... open our hearts once they've closed, to open our souls once they've shied away.”
-- Mark Nepo

I think it is a conscious choice to just not let your thoughts go there. ...at least for me it was. 

We all have a choice: We can be bitter or get better. For me, I had to censor my 'bitter' thoughts and consciously replace them with thoughts of 'thanks' and 'gratitude'. 

At times, there is something really appealing and seemingly satisfying to give into those bitter thoughts. ...but ultimately, they will smother you and destroy your soul.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> It's now almost a month since my stbxh ended the possibility of reconciliation for good. He asked for a divorce the first time in March of 2012. I "processed" my grief then by quickly jumping into a rebound relationship. This time, I decided I didn't want to do that. I need to not drag some poor shmuck into my sh*t. I need to get over my ex before I get into another relationship. But, how does one actively do that?
> 
> I'm convinced that time alone can't get you over someone. Over time you can get more closed, more bitter, more afraid. So if you want to heal rather than become bitter, what are the steps? I'd been debating this with myself for the first three weeks after the end of reconciliation and realizing I just felt crappy all the time. I mean, yes, makes sense that I would feel crappy, but I think there was an extra added element of crappiness because I was holding on to my grief for the express purpose of "processing" it. Last weekend I did a little meditation on the subject and realized that I don't need to hold onto the hurt. I can feel it and let it go and I did that for a few minutes. Ever since then I've felt much better. Haven't thought of him much. Haven't felt bitter. Haven't CRIED, which I was doing pretty much every day.
> 
> Thoughts? What steps have you actively taken to make sure you're healing and not turning bitter?


One morning I awoke and 
1. accepted that I controlled me and my ex controlled her.
2. realized I was ashamed how I let someone I loved treat me.

It was really amazing to have the burden of thinking I could fix anything off of my shoulders. The stress, fear, anger, resentment, etc was gone before I even sat up. The change in my belief system made me a better person I think. My resentment changed to disappointment in her.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I am now able to look at how I responded to my xH and his choices and I have made the changes in me that needed to be made. Well, at least I am working on that LOL. Now, when I get a message or text, I can take a step back and realize, this isn't about me, it's about him. It has taken quite a while, but I was married for 28 years. I can't say, he can't do anything about how he behaves, I believe through my hard work these last two years,
I have grown and changed, so could he if he had been willing to acknowledge the need. But now, there is someone in his life who is telling him he is just fine as is. I wonder how he explained the D to her. I hear he says, "I was not happy" when asked. I spent a lot of time saying, well what about your spouse, did you worry if she was happy, what you could be doing to be healthy in that relationship, but I have finally arrived at a place where, most of the time, I can see that he was not able. 
Getting better is about me, I have dated but I have also be quite clear that I am not ready for more than that. We share two kids, I think I will know I am ready when I can be in the same place with him (and the new girlfriend) without crying or feeling nauseous. Not there quite yet. Time, time, and more time, and probably even more if you we're together for a long time


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> I'm convinced that time alone can't get you over someone. Over time you can get more closed, more bitter, more afraid. So if you want to heal rather than become bitter, what are the steps? I'd been debating this with myself for the first three weeks after the end of reconciliation and realizing I just felt crappy all the time. I mean, yes, makes sense that I would feel crappy, but I think there was an extra added element of crappiness because I was holding on to my grief for the express purpose of "processing" it. Last weekend I did a little meditation on the subject and realized that I don't need to hold onto the hurt. I can feel it and let it go and I did that for a few minutes. Ever since then I've felt much better. Haven't thought of him much. Haven't felt bitter. Haven't CRIED, which I was doing pretty much every day.
> 
> Thoughts? What steps have you actively taken to make sure you're healing and not turning bitter?


Life is a contact sport, and sometimes you get hit. Separation/divorce is a HARD hit - the kind that knock the wind out of you and brings you to your knees. 

So what do you do?

You take the hit. You lay dazed on the ground for a bit, then eventually wiggle a toe or a finger or two. You let the pain flow through you, and while that's happening you process what hurts and why. You learn. You grow. 

Then you get up, dust yourself off, and run back onto the field. You're not the person you were before. You're wiser. You're tougher. You're stronger. And if you've done the work to heal the parts of you that were injured and broken, you play better than you ever have before. 

Firebelly I've been following the way you've been dealing with all of this and I know you'll get better, not bitter. 

Be well and take care of your needs. Know you will make mistakes in the process but always come back to the goal of peace, personal growth, and loving yourself enough to put your needs first.


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