# Long, but please read, im so lost



## JCI20 (Jan 1, 2016)

Me 30y/o M, wife 27y/o F, no kids, married 2 years, together for 6ish. 

First off happy new years, and thank you for reading and any possible help here. I am very lost and am not sure what to do, sorry for the long post, but I feel you all need the background and past history. I'll try to compact it as much as I can.

My wife and I met about 6yrs ago after I came straight out of a previous 6 year relationship. Within a few months of breaking with my ex, my wife and I were dating and living together. At the time I was younger and dumber. I did not take the time to heal from the previous relationship, nor did she. We hit the ground running. We dated for about 4 years before getting married. During this time, there were alot of break ups, fights, and what not. My ex tended to pop up from time to time, which was my fault for not ever nipping it in the butt. When my wife and I would split, and move out, after a month or so, I would let my ex back into communication. Wrong of me, yes.

I came from a relationship where I was not used fighting or arguments. My current wife is a very mouthy and emotional person. She wears her feelings on her sleeves and the slightest things upset her. She is the type that cannot have an adult argument without totally flipping and taking things to the next level. I am the type that it is easy for me to wall up and not talk. Which i have worked very hard on over the last few years to be more open and patient. I do very well handling her and being patient. I am the type that when pushed for so long, and get backed into a corner I eventually blow up. Like a caged tiger. She has to keep a fight going until I get literally raging mad. Then when i do get mad, i am a monster.

Anyways, Last June about 7 months ago, we were fighting for several weeks straight. I had switched jobs from the fire dept to an office job in the oil field. it was a big change for me. Little to no excitement in my life, just work, home, work. My wife is a very much a home body which is fine, but all she wanted to do is save money and be boring. I tried and tried to get out and feel alive. Eventually after her attacking me for a few weeks straight, and me staying in the spare bedroom, I moved out. I had told her daily to please just let me be and stop fighting, she just kept coming at me and persuing fight, even waking me up at 4am. It was affecting my work and mental health. I moved into an apartment, and when i moved out, I left under the impression we were done and getting a divorce.

After a few weeks of being out and lonely, I screwed up and contacted my ex. We hung out, got drunk, and I succumbed to lust. During this time for about a months period her and I had contact and emailed, texted and hung out a few times.

I knew things were not right talking to my ex, and I knew I did not want my ex and missed my wife. My wife and I started talking again, and I told her of what I had done. She was furious as expect and had the right to be. I begged her into counselling and finally talked her into it. After 2 counselors I found what I thought would help. I manned up and owned what I had done. I took the counselling very serious and have done everything the counselor asked of me and my wife. Wife has all email accounts, my phone records, facebook, everything she monitors. I have not spoken to my ex in over 5 months. We were still obviously fighting during this time, as she was not having it. She did not like counselling and was not taking it serious or adhering to what we were being told to do. I am fully understanding that for a few months afterwards she will be bitter, heck even longer, however long it takes to heal. The counselor told her though, she needs to choose, to either forgive or chose to move on, and that I could not be her whipping boy forever. I owned what I did and was doing all i could to save us. He told her that eventually if she kept attacking me I would be pushed away again and give up.

After a few months of counselling against my better judgment and the counselors, i did what my wife demanded and moved back home. I sold all the things I had bought, I was 100% in as far as wanting and trying to make it work. My wife on the other hand still was not trying to get over the divorce. She said she was but on a regular basis beat me down and brought it up. She saves text messages of arguments, emails, and dwells on them.
It was during this time she was having a "online battle" with my ex via facebook and pinterest. Posting quotes and what not such as "home wrecker". I told her, that I am making my ex dead to me, and you need to do the same, and by her keeping my ex irritated and in focus it is not helping. This continued for some time. I told my wife to delete her pinterest and stop the childish crap. She eventually did.

A few months pass and things are still rocky. The wife decided she did not like the counselling, felt as if she was being "beat up". She showed no signs of actually wanting to forget about the affair. She chose to keep it alive in her mind and keep bringing it up to me. I kept taking it and being patient. asking her to forgive me and please to make the ex dead to us.
2 weeks ago my ex emailed me. I received it and immediately told my wife so she could read it. The email from my ex was saying good bye, and that she would no longer be around for me, that she was not going to try to communicate again. She told me merry christmas, happy birthday, and that she loved me.

Taking my counselors advice, I opted to ignore the email (she is blocked on email and phone, but got a new email addy to email me this time) as I have no control over my ex emailing me. But I can choose to ignore it and delete it. I have told my ex to stop, and that I am married and that I am working on my marriage. She has been told this several times, thats why she hadnt contacted me in several months. This was a pure random out of the blue email.
My wife took the email and flipped out. She literally said she was divorcing me and not to come home, i was kicked out. She said the only way to fix this was to call my ex with her and tell her off. I told her no, the counselor said that would not fix anything but cause more drama, which I agreed. My wife was furious. I was able to stay one night, and tried to calm her. There was no talking or calming her. She was literally going crazy. She tried to call the cops to kick me out of my own house, so i left for the night peacefully. I told her, begged her to not threaten divorce. Which she has done alot. I told her i would not tolerate it, and that if she wants to threaten she better be ready to do it. I also told her that if she makes me move out again, I will not be back this time. Reguardless she did both.

The next day I tried to talk to her and it was still divorce. she went and talked to a lawyer and got prices. I told my wife I was going to come stay back at the house in the spare bedroom. During this time I was calm and just kept taking it, telling her I loved her and begging her to stop acting like such. To no avail she was persistent on acting pure crazy.

The next afternoon I get another email from my ex, with my wife and my wife's sister added. Telling them to cut the crap, that she would take legal action (my ex is a lawyer, and works for a law firm). My wife and her sister had called my ex's work and raised hell to her bosses, telling them of the affair and that she was a husband stealer. So the battle ensued.... My wife was dead set on blood. She made a group conversation with me, her sister, and my ex. To sum it up, it said I was a piece of crap, and that my ex could fix our divorce papers for us... at this point I was getting a bit pissed. I called my wife and begged her to stop making a mess. I told her I loved her and she is my wife. I want to be with her. She didnt care. she was dead set on filing. I told her once again to not threaten me, its the one thing I would not tolerate. I am tired of her holding it over my head and threatening me.
To shorten this up, the same drama occured for another week, my wife attacking me, threatening me, and stiring the pot with my ex. she changed locks on the house, and would not give me a key, althoug i was still staying there, hid the savings account money, took all the pictures down, changed her relationship status on facebook.

One day after a fight she just left the house and called me from the law office, and asked me to come sign, I went up there and talked her out of it. I looked her in the eyes and told her not to do it again, because next time I was going to make her do it.
2 days later, her and my ex fighting, my ex emails her an email i had sent to my ex during the time of the affair. It was hurtful, I will admit. My wife told my ex thank you and that she was divorcing me. My wife them told me she was filing on the 4th, no getting out of it she said. I told her okay. and agreed. 

2 days later when she realized I was not playing any more games or putting up with any more drama she emails me and said she was sorry and to forgive her. That its my fault she is acting crazy, that the affair that happened 7 months prior has made her this way. She said she wants to get over it but she obviously is not.
At this point i am looking for a place to live. All of my friends and family are telling me to get out, that we have been this way for years and nothing is changing. Counselor told me that he feels she isnt trying and will not be able to get over it, and told me as a friend, that I should atleast have a separation until she can level herself out.

What do i do? I am so lost. My gut tells me she will not change, she has been this mouthy woman who runs me over verbally since I met her. She no longer respects me at all. She has taken such a tiny thing as an email and made this huge mess for no reason. I cannot handle drama or this ups and downs. I am worn smooth out. I am tired of trying and being beaten down. She asks me to forgive her, yet she does not take any responsibility in any of the last 7 months, the initial moving out, the affair, or what is happening now. Its all my fault in her eyes. Yes I had an affair, yes it was wrong. I did own up to it and have tried so hard to make it better. She refuses to see her wrong doing and just wants to make me "feel how she feels" as she puts it.
I want some advice from non biased people, all i have is my family and a few friends, who obviously side with leaving. I love her but I also do not want this type of wife for the rest of my life. There is no filter on her mouth when she is mad. Do i hold her to the fire and make her file as i told her not to do about 7 times in the last 2 weeks? Or do i stay put and try to forgive...

This has gotten so out of control and crazy, i am just at a loss. I cannot control her, and she waits until I am just completely pushed away to try and calm down, after weeks of me trying to be patient and ask her to cool it and follow my lead. 

I did not want to think i was being blind by not listening to my family and close friends. I did not want to take their advice because they may only see one side and obviously be partial towards me. I have told them everything. I have not been an angel myself but damnit I have been trying to right my wrongs. I hate the thought of divorce and would love to be able to be happily married to her for the rest of my life. But i am seeing now that my family and friends may be right after the replies here. I may be hanging onto something that has just had too much damage done to fix it and ever be a trusting, functional marriage again. I know I cant fix her, and how she reacts to things. But I had the mindset if i forgave, and was patient and loving she would grow up and learn how to interact with a man, and heal from the affair. I am deeply ashamed with myself for getting a divorce and overall just lost. I think its time i manned up and did what needs to be done and look toward the future.



Edit : I did call me ex after I got my wife out of the lawyer office as my wife asked. I called her with my wife and told her to not call or email again. That I am married. Even though my wife told me she thought i would probably email my ex afterwards on a new email and tell her sorry and that she doesnt trust me.
As expected it did cause more drama. My ex fired back at my wife the next day with forwarded emails from me and her during the affair. Thats why I did not want to call my ex again, it just opens the door for my ex to know she is getting to us, and stired up more drama.


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## JCI20 (Jan 1, 2016)

also, people ask me about kids, and i fear kids would be disastrous if we ever tried to have one or 2. We can barely have a reasonable argument without her going crazy and running all over me, until I am flaming mad. Every fight or disagreement or me accidently hurting her feeling ends like that. She runs her mouth without a filter, i ask her to stop and calm down, until it gets to point i am cornered and ready to explode.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your little love triangle has to end before one of these women twists off and shoots you. It sounds like neither of these women are what you are happy with. You like sex with your ex, your wife, I don't know. She has good reason to be crazy, but this was going on before the affair. I suggest moving away from both of them.

You've got to stop letting your emotions rule your life. Do what is logical, not what you feel like doing at the moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCI20 (Jan 1, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your little love triangle has to end before one of these women twists off and shoots you. It sounds like neither of these women are what you are happy with. You like sex with your ex, your wife, I don't know. She has good reason to be crazy, but this was going on before the affair. I suggest moving away from both of them.
> 
> You've got to stop letting your emotions rule your life. Do what is logical, not what you feel like doing at the moment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


youre right, it does have to end, thus why I stopped all communication with my ex about 5 months ago. and before I moved out and recontacted her she had been blocked. I was angry and slipped up when i moved out and bam, let her back in. 
For whatever reason I do not know. But she is dead to me now, and i have no desire to talk to her. I wanted my marriage to work. 

and yes she has acted like this since i met her, just different things to go crazy over, and not to this extent. I was not surprised by her and her sister calling my ex's work, or my wife locking me out, or the group texts she was sending. Can i forgive it? Yes i can, will she change ever? i dont know, but i do know i dont want that type crap in my marriage and for the rest of my life. I wish so badly she could grow up and also let the affair go.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wow. You fvcked your ex and are po'd that your wife hasn't gotten over it as fast as you want. 

You were too freaking lazy to find someone new, you just took the lazy person's path and went to your ex.

And now you wonder if you should do your wife the huge favor of forgiving her for acting crazy. Nice. 

Just do her a favor and divorce her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCI20 (Jan 1, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Wow. You fvcked your ex and are po'd that your wife hasn't gotten over it as fast as you want.
> 
> You were too freaking lazy to find someone new, you just took the lazy person's path and went to your ex.
> 
> ...


You know, you have a valid point. And its exactly what my wife says, and says she justified in acting nuts. But my question is, how long can one crutch and play victim, and keep whipping me for my mistakes, that i owned up to and have been working to make right? I cannot live like this forever being her punching bag. I had no control over my ex emailing me. I have taken all steps to block her and given my wife full access to everything of mine. She cant keep dwelling on the affair, if that is what she wants to do she should have left or should leave. But she made the choice and told me she wanted to forgive me for it. Thats part of what I am confused about, I want to love her and be married but i dont want a life of her holding it over my head and threatening divorce when things pop up.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Here's the thing: you say you have blocked her and this and that. But, the opportunity is still there and your wife knows it. When you cheat, you destroy your spouses state of mind. If she was crazy before-// hell yes she's going to be crazy now! She can't go to work or go to sleep without worrying.

You either have to to the best you can and tell her you're sorry every day and be transparent, and ignore the craziness, or divorce her. It sounds like you'd both be better off divorcing. You didn't like living with her before the affair. Yep, pretty much impossible now. And the affair thing is yours. Move forward with whatever decision you make. Don't stay in a bad position.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCI20 (Jan 1, 2016)

Thank you. Perhaps she is right, i made her like this. I am trying to gather my patience and not falter, but I am finding it extremely hard to keep living this way.


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## JCI20 (Jan 1, 2016)

intheory said:


> You get bored staying at home doing nothing; you come across as very placid and reasoning. You need to go outside of yourself for excitement.
> 
> Your wife loves staying at home and saving money. She is never bored, 'cause she's got a 24/7 emotional hurricane going on inside her head. She doesn't need to go outside of herself for drama and stimulation.
> 
> ...


This is probably the most in depth replied or advice i have gotten about this. Thank you so much. I feel you've nailed it on the head. 

It is really hard to give up after trying so hard, and 6 years of knowing her, as I am sure most of you know and have been there. I guess I am lucky to have only some of my younger years invested and only 6. I am going to spend some alone time for a bit and try to reflect on all of this, if i can get her to stop playing the emotional rollercoaster with me daily. I may have to just leave the house and go stay with a friend or family for a week or 2 so I can clear my head to think straight. I do not want to make decisions out of anger.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You could have spared yourself and everyone else involved in this drama the headache and just called your wife's bluff ages ago and divorced, then went dark.

Actually, not cheating would have been the start but you made an adult decision, not succumbed or fell or any of that nonsense.

There's a time to be really remorseful after you've betrayed your spouse. I can't tell from the post if you were really remorseful, but it also sounds like you were trying to reconcile with a lunatic.

Now you know what a woman scorned can and will do. The silver lining in her actions (if you can consider it one) is that she clearly still has feelings for you or she wouldn't have tilted the earth's axis to do what she did. If she didn't care about you, she would have just divorced and moved on. 

Learn from your mistakes and commit yourself to not repeating them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It takes 2 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to heal from infidelity. You are expecting your wife to just forgive and forget way too soon. 

That said. Your wife is crazy. Your ex is right up there with her.

Since this is the type of women you have picked twice, I assume you get off on crazy.

My suggestion is that you divorce your wife. And then end all contact with her and your ex.

Go to counseling and find out why you like and/or accept crazy. Then do better next time.


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## JCI20 (Jan 1, 2016)

Satya said:


> You could have spared yourself and everyone else involved in this drama the headache and just called your wife's bluff ages ago and divorced, then went dark.
> 
> Actually, not cheating would have been the start but you made an adult decision, not succumbed or fell or any of that nonsense.
> 
> ...


It was indeed a eye opener just what slipping up and doing something like that can do to a person, heck its even really affected me. I feel so shameful and like trash for doing it. I really want/ed to make up for it, but not at the cost of pure chaos for months or years. I can understand some months of being hurt what what not. But she has not gained any ground as far as wanting to let it go. She keeps texts and emails, and constantly looks at my ex's social media. Ive asked her so many times to please stop and help me make her dead to us. In my mind, the ex is dead to me. I could care less what she does or where she is. She lives off on the other side of the state and I am glad. 

I am trying to see and learn how to keep pushing through this. My motivation has dwindled down to zero.


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## JCI20 (Jan 1, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> It takes 2 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to heal from infidelity. You are expecting your wife to just forgive and forget way too soon.
> 
> That said. Your wife is crazy. Your ex is right up there with her.
> 
> ...



Thats rough to read but I cannot disagree. I know there are level headed women out there, I somehow have chose poorly 2 times now and wasted almost 12 years of my life. I think you're right, i need to stay single a while, and choose a bit wiser.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Satya said:


> You could have spared yourself and everyone else involved in this drama the headache and just called your wife's bluff ages ago and divorced, then went dark.
> 
> Actually, not cheating would have been the start but you made an adult decision, not succumbed or fell or any of that nonsense.
> 
> ...


This. :iagree::iagree:


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> It takes 2 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to heal from infidelity. You are expecting your wife to just forgive and forget way too soon.
> 
> That said. Your wife is crazy. Your ex is right up there with her.
> 
> ...


AND This. :iagree::iagree:


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