# Feeling helpless, hurt, lonely



## danniecrain (Mar 17, 2011)

Hi this is very new to me, but thought someone may help or has been through this.......so here goes!!!

I'm 34, married for 14years with 3 kids 13,12,7. My wife and I have been together since we were 15 we have had our ups and downs as any relationship does. She lost her father when she was about 17 and 3 years later we were married. She lost her Mum a couple of years ago and pretty much has no family left other than mine who are very close to her. We are always together, hardly seperate, and very much in love and showed it, our freinds and family think we are the perfect couple as did I until about 5 weeks ago when I came home from being away for the night and my wife told me she is not attracted to me anymore and hasnt been for some time, and that she is telling me now because she cant pretend anymore and that she came home early from a party that night because she was affraid that if someone showed interest in her she doesnt know what she would have done.
There is no one else (I really do belive and trust her on this) - says cant help the way she feels, and has felt this way for years, and that she has tried everything. She has tried a couple of things in the bedroom but says that it shouldnt take that to feel that way for me. She needs space and wants to find herself.
For the next four weeks after she had told me I was trying to process it and just to convince her that she hasnt tried everything because I havent been involved and we need to try together. I've convinced her to talk to someone with me and since then she has spent a day and night by herself away from the family, me and issues of her boring life as she calls it. She called the next day and said that she missed me and still loves me and wants to try. (but still not attracted to me). I'm a pretty good looking guy, not too over weight and I look after myself, like the latest fashions ect.:scratchhead:
I'm giving her as much space and freedom as I can but its so hard from being wanted one day to nothing....she has just shut down all affection and says its because it doesnt feel right to her, and i'm just so friggin lonely. 
We have only had 1 counseling session which was together, this week its seperate, so we will c how that goes.
i just dont understand how she can pretend affection love romance and then just cut it all off as soon as she tells me?? Think she is in the wrong job, she would win a academy award. I still find her very very attractive and love her to death but if I try and act on those feelings she will just reject me and I'm not sure of how much of that I can take. I dont want to hate her and I dont think I could but I'm losing it. I'm losing her and dont know what to do!!!!!!


----------



## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

I'm sorry, I know this has to be a bad situation for you. 

Are you sure there is no one else? I'm sorry but I just had to throw that out there. You wife's behavior seems to suggest something is up. You said yourself she could win an academy award.

Oh the other hand if you are satisfied that she is not having an affair perhaps she needs to be checked for depression. That could be a cause of her dissatisfaction with your marriage and her recent odd behavior. 

Keep going to counseling, even the best marriages have problems and counseling with a good counselors can't hurt in any case, even if depression is the cause of your wife's recent behavior. 

But one thing is for sure, a marriage can't last unless both people want it to last. Make sure you take steps to look after your own best interests and those of your kids.


----------



## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

Are you too nice to her, if so you are in the same boat as lot of us. Head over to the men's clubhouse and read the nice guy posts.


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Are you sure there is nobody else? My husband needed his space blah blah, swore up and down there was nobody else. Guess what - there was.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

So sorry you are going through this. 

You really need to do a little investigating. I'm with the other posters who are suggesting there is someone else. However, I'm thinking it is an emotional affair. That would explain why she left the party early. She felt guilty and didn't want the the emotional affair to become physical--yet. Knowing for certain is important as that will dictate how you approach the situation.

Hang in there!


----------



## logan21 (Mar 4, 2011)

Your story is a familiar one on this board. Happened to me too. I got the "I love you, but I'm just not 'in love' with you" speech. It's attraction. Go to the "men's clubhouse" section and read up. You're going to have to modify your behavior. I'm a classic "nice guy", and that isn't really a good term in marriage. Half the time, the wives can't even figure out "why" there's no attraction. I'm glad I found this place and figured out the ways I needed to change for the better. I hope she wants to work on your marriage and things work out for you. Good luck to you!


----------



## danniecrain (Mar 17, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> I'm sorry, I know this has to be a bad situation for you.
> 
> Are you sure there is no one else? I'm sorry but I just had to throw that out there. You wife's behavior seems to suggest something is up. You said yourself she could win an academy award.
> 
> ...


I'm positive there is no one else. She refuses to belive its any sort of depression and if I even suggest it I would be the worst person to do so. The counseling did suggest it hopefully he may be able to convince her to speak to someone to at least rule it out. We both are really great parents and the kids will always come first no matter what happens with us. Thanks for the advice


----------



## danniecrain (Mar 17, 2011)

827Aug said:


> So sorry you are going through this.
> 
> You really need to do a little investigating. I'm with the other posters who are suggesting there is someone else. However, I'm thinking it is an emotional affair. That would explain why she left the party early. She felt guilty and didn't want the the emotional affair to become physical--yet. Knowing for certain is important as that will dictate how you approach the situation.
> 
> Hang in there!


There is no one else, did a lot of investigation but I have to be careful becuase one of the things I need to work on is trust. I really do trust her and I asked her last night if she trust herself? she replyed yes whole heartly yes. I belive its some sort of depression because of the strange disconection, but I'm no doctor. 
Thanks for all your input.


----------



## danniecrain (Mar 17, 2011)

My wife has told me 8 weeks ago she hasnt felt for me the way that she used to feel. Since we have tried to talk about it but it keeps going around in circles, we are going to MC but have had only 2 sessions. Says she wants space and wants to be apart more so maybe she will miss me and want me again. There is no one else, this is just how she feels and has done so for a long time and hidden it from everyone including me. We have gone from discussing our feelings straight to seperation. Is it just me or have we missed trying a lot of different things before we try seperation, and hurt the kids in the process?
She cant see any other way and I suggested seperation under the same roof, not sure how that would work, but at least we wouldnt have to tell the kids Im moving out and money wise it would make the most sense. How can I give her space and make her miss me without moving out?


----------



## superjoe (Apr 21, 2011)

I will tell you this, from being on both sides of the fence.

She is getting attention from someone else ..Period ! ...

...Yes ...probably another guy .....been there and i know so many that went through the same thing...Your due with the details and time frame of your marriage 7-10 yrs this cycle will happen , and as ur kids get older theres more time to think of others then your kids...


----------



## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

danniecrain said:


> My wife has told me 8 weeks ago she hasnt felt for me the way that she used to feel. Since we have tried to talk about it but it keeps going around in circles, we are going to MC but have had only 2 sessions. Says she wants space and wants to be apart more so maybe she will miss me and want me again. There is no one else, this is just how she feels and has done so for a long time and hidden it from everyone including me. We have gone from discussing our feelings straight to seperation. Is it just me or have we missed trying a lot of different things before we try seperation, and hurt the kids in the process?
> She cant see any other way and I suggested seperation under the same roof, not sure how that would work, but at least we wouldnt have to tell the kids Im moving out and money wise it would make the most sense. How can I give her space and make her miss me without moving out?


Hi,

You last posted a couple of weeks ago, so how is it going?

I think the last line of your comment here tells you alot about yourself. You used the phrase "Make her miss me". If you don't mind me saying, that is a very manipulative way to think. I say that because I've been in the same situation as you. You can't make anyone miss you. Also, your posts tell me that perhaps you are suffering from a lack of confidence in yourself. Confidence is very sexy and we are generally not attracted to people who are needy. My advice is to take a look at yourself and identify any issues that need fixing. 

If I'm off-base let me know, and feel free to ask further questions.

Take care.


----------



## imnotthesame11 (Oct 20, 2012)

sorry to hear this...at least shes honest and admits it. my wife wont admit it etc just shows her lack of love daily. wont say it but it is obvious for yrs.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Sounds to me like it's time to take charge and change things up. 

Start dressing a little nicer and being just a little flirtatious when you're out. Dutifully report those exchanges as a "wow, know what happened today?" kind of exchange. (Read a bit on social proofing to understand how this can help boost her attraction to you.)

Spend less time "wanting her" and more time showing non-sexual touch. When you do get around to sexual touching, go the opposite way from what you normally do. In other words, if you're normally demanding or insistent, act like you couldn't care less. If you're normally relaxed or passive, be a little more commanding instead.


----------



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

What was she trying to achieve by hitting you with a nuclear bomb like that? If you look around this site you will see posts exactly like yours, tons of them. Most of them are "the grass is always greener on the other side." Once she gets to the other side, she will see it is NOT greener and want to come back, but it may be too late.

Take care of yourself, don't take the rap for being a bad husband, don't let this ruin your self esteem (I know that is a HARD one).


----------



## Gunthar (Sep 2, 2012)

superjoe said:


> I will tell you this, from being on both sides of the fence.
> 
> She is getting attention from someone else ..Period ! ...
> 
> ...Yes ...probably another guy .....been there and i know so many that went through the same thing...Your due with the details and time frame of your marriage 7-10 yrs this cycle will happen , and as ur kids get older theres more time to think of others then your kids...


From all my readings on TAM it seems she came to the realization BECAUSE, as superjoe says, she all of a sudden is getting attention from the opposite sex.......something new and exciting, maybe even an EA as folks say.

This happened to me. I went PI and did some snooping only to uncover several EAs and guys hitting on my wife.....PRESTO....her revelation about me became clear in her mind.


----------



## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

um.... this is a very old thread


----------

