# How do you ...



## Broken in Pieces (Jun 13, 2011)

... gain back someone's trust when you have given them every reason not to?

Long story tried to be made short... I had an EA, which did become physical, a few years ago after moving to a new state. Was seeking friendship, which it was until the texts started crossing the line and I found myself addicted to the rush it gave me. The texting lead to sexing, which lead to kissing, which for some unfathomable reason I wrote off in my head as no big deal and as long as I didn't let this man in my pants it wasn't an affair. Yes I realize my own delusions now, but then I was addicted to the rush, like a junkie. When the OM got to obsessive it freaked me out, but I obviously like it at the same time because I had ample opportunities to shut the door, tell my husband and deal with it like a grown up. But I didn't. I thought I could handle it myself. Chalked it up to a mid-life crisis (yes a crock of sh** I know) but being honest that is what I did. When the emotional rush I was getting out of this relationship started to wear off (conversations were becoming less and less "friendly" and more quickly crossing the line) and the OM seem to be obsessed with getting in my pants, I only then started to pull back. The relationship fizzled and we became more or less acquaintances, a "hey" here, "how's it going" there. Actually was relieved I was out of it without letting him in my pants, as if that is the whole definition of an affair. Yes I do realize my stupidity and ignorance now. From my initial crossing the line thought I was a cheater, and a cowardly selfindulgent one at that.

Fast forward several months, essential my husband finds out, and no, I did not have the strengh, integrity or respect for him to tell him myself. BOOM! Life over. I spend the first few days trying to minimize everything. Trying to sell him the pack of lies I was trying to sell myself for months. Of course the whole truth and all the little dirty bits EVENTUALLY come out, took me about 10 days. Ironically it was only when I told him everything that I started to see it for what it really was, an affair. And everyting that goes with that nasty word, the betrayal, the pain. Shattering everthing this person thought to be true of his life. That the emotional part was way more destructive that the physical parts. 

I never thought I didn't love my husband. I know to all of you who have been betrayed this sounds like BS. And to some extent it is, showing your love for someone is not caring on like a teenager behind their back, but I never thought I didn't love him.

I have totally destroyed a man I professed to, and still do, love. I have changed him forever. I am sickened with not only what I did, but who I became to do it and keep it going. He loved me unconditionally, and I didn't believe it, incomprehensible. We are in MC and I am seeking IC as well to deal with my self worth issues. He says he still loves me, but doesn't think he can ever trust me, let alone forgive me. So what kind of marriage is that? I do want him to smile again, even if that is without me. 

So, getting back to my question... is it possible to regain someone's trust? I am totally remorseful. Biggest mistake of my life. I flat out refused to think of the consequences of my actions. I would give anything for a rewind button. Unfortunately, I have to stay out of my dreamworld, and focus on the reality that I created. Any input would be greatly appreciated. My husband is trying, but I don't know for how long. And at some points I don't even feel like it is fair to keep begging him to hang on. I know I won't put myself in that position again. But he can't believe anything I say, and I get that. At the end of the day I made the choice to cross the line, no matter what the circumstances. I think our marriage is worth saving. I want to be the wife he thought he had married. Any advice? Please!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Unfortunately, your marriage will never be the same again.

I know a lot of people will tell you that your relationship can be better, stronger, etc, but a fundamental part of it was destroyed when you had the affair and worse, when he found out on his own, and the truth did not come directly from you. 

You guys can work at it and rebuild and restore your marriage but it won't ever be the same as it was. It can be good, but it will be different. I would love to tell you that things can be rainbows and flowers but a part of him will never trust you again as he did before. 

Ultimately it will be up to him whether he wants to continue the marriage or not. If he says he can't forgive you, then you will have to live w/ that. Some people do forgive after cheating and can work at their marriage. But nobody ever forgets the betrayal. 

Losing trust in someone is a very delicate thing. Trust is fragile, like glass. Once it's broken, you can glue it back together but the cracks are always there.

How long ago was the affair? Was it recent? Did you end all contact with OM? 

It's good that you're doing counselling together & you should continue to do so and if you haven't already--apologize profusely. Tell him WHY you are sorry and that you truly understand what the affair did to him. Truly express remorse and how you feel for what you did to him and promise him that you will never do it again, that you realize how devastating it was to him and your marriage. Tell him you are willing to do any and everything to repair the relationship.

Good luck.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Work on you first. Show him that your home is a haven and make it a happy place to be. Trust from him if it comes, will take time. I too destroyed a good man and every day we are still together is a blessing. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I started wondering if you were my wife while reading this.... till I got to some of the details.

We are 6 months out and very very similar to your situation. In 6 months I have found a lot of trust returning. I do trust that my wife is not currently doing anything behind my back. But unforunatly, I still feel shaky about the details she told be (trickle truth and lies like you did), and I fear the future.

I know she can cheat and that scares the hell out of me.

Then I have to be realistic with myself. She now knows...like you...all the pain and suffering that these things cause. That is a pretty good reason for her to never do it again.

I will also work as hard as possible to keep her happy in every way (without being a door mat) so that she is not in a position like that again.

I read somewhere that we are stupid to ever trust a spouse....even before they have cheated. I believe that to be partially true. I also read that after an A your relationship is much more mature and realistic. We both now know that there is no fairy tale protecting our marrige. We both have to try and give and care on a daily basis to keep it all intact.

It hurts but I can deal with the reality of it. And I believe in time the trust will increase more and more.


----------



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Here is a good example of what one man did when his wife had an affair. This was a post to Talk about Marriage that has gone on for a couple of years now. Maybe it might give you some good ideas. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/8698-how-we-overcame-adultery.html


----------



## Broken in Pieces (Jun 13, 2011)

Thank you all for your input.

Jellybeans, A started @ 2 years ago, fizzled @ early fall last year, all contact has ended. I sent an final e-mail, upon my husband review.

NZHappy & it-guy, thank you. You provided me hope. I will do whatever it takes, I just hope my husband can hold on, 2+ years seems close to impossible when each day is consumed with the betrayal. But I guess there is no magic pill. There is no way out, just through.

pidge70, I too hold on to every day I have with him, I just hope it is not to little to late. Best of luck to you too.


----------



## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Broken in pieces,

For what its worth....we do have good days. And they are really good days.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did your husband just discover the affair recently? The affair lasted 2 years?


----------



## Broken in Pieces (Jun 13, 2011)

Yes he just found out about 6 weeks ago. The affair was on-again off-again, but to be totally honest 2 years from start to finish. Thought, foolishly I could downgrade the relationship and maintain a friendship, ahhh no.


----------



## Broken in Pieces (Jun 13, 2011)

NZHappy, ordering book today. And regarding my 2 year comment, I am more than willing to do the time, it is my husband who says that he doesn't know if he can. He can't live like this for 2 years, and I don't blame him. I just hope each day the pain get a little duller. Like when someone dies. The pain never leaves, just gets less acute.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he just found it, it's very fresh and new for him. Your affair waw sa long-term affair which will probably hurt more than just a one-off or short affair (though all affairs hurt).

All you can do is be there for him and hope he wants to work it out. If he doesn't though, you will have to accept that as a consequence of your actions and respect his decision.

Did he know the OM?


----------



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I am glad you are in IC and in MC together. It is possible to overcome the effects of an affair. Being a marriage counselor, I have worked first hand with the cheating partner, the offending partner, and the couple together when their have been affairs. I know first hand, from a counseling perspective, that it is possible to overcome an affair. I have worked with several couples who got their marriage back on track and I have worked with those whose marriages fell apart after the affair. One of the differences I have noticed in those who succeed in putting their marriage back together is a relentless determination to not let these events break them apart. I have even seen change even when only one person is willing to work on the marriage. My suggestions:
- Keep fighting for your marriage. Let your husband know that you are going to keep fighting for him, for yourself, and for your marriage.
- Tell your husband about your determination to make this work.
- Don't get whiny or clingy with your husband.
- Apologize on a daily basis (being sincere and not whiny).
- Be honest with him in everything. No more secrets
- Set up appropriate boundaries to avoid these things from happening again. Let him have access to your email, phone records, facebook, everything.
- Realize that you won't be able to do it alone. You are getting help from a counselor. Turn to trusted friends and family when needed. Keep coming here and looking for messages of hope.

Good Luck. I will be thinking about you.


----------



## Broken in Pieces (Jun 13, 2011)

Jellybeans, yes, the four of us were "friends" (OM is also married). We met at our children's pre-school.

NZHappy, thanks again. Crying, this time feeling hopeful instead of hopeless. One other question for you... do you think people (cheaters) can change? I think that is something my husband is grapling with. This is who I am, versus, this was something I did. On some level, I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I did it anyway. I KNOW this has changed me forever, and even if he decides to divorce me I am still going to fix me, for me and our son, but he can't believe it, I wouldn't. But like you said may be with time I can show him. Did I just answer my own question? Not sure.


----------



## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

from what you are saying it seems your husband leaning toward asking for a divorce.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Broken in Pieces said:


> One other question for you... do you think people (cheaters) can change?


Yes, if they truly have learned from what they did and don't repeat it again. It's a personal decision to not repeat the past. The ones that keep cheating truly didn't "get" what they did.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I speed throught the thread, so what was the deal on why you stepped out of the marraige and made you go for the excitement of the affair?
What was problematic in the marriage that you and your husband can address? Something that will prevent this from ever happening again? 

I guess what I'm looking for is there was a dynamic in the relationship with your H that caused you to stray, and if that issue was brought out it my help him see that if that issue can be prevented or even avoided, it can find the both of you some resolve.

For example, for the 1st 7 years of our marriage I was not into being married, I liked work better,so by the 8th year my wife also stepped out and she like companionship better. So 13 years later we both finaly put a stop to an unhealty marriage and you can say we regrouped. By doing this we both had to get a clear understanding on how we got to such an unhealthy place, solve it and prevent it from happening again. Avoiding those bad behaviors we had when we were younger and caused such a mess.

I hope this all makes sense and helps the both of you.

We just renewed our vows on our 20th anny. 

She has done a awsome job.....we both have done an awsome job on rebuilding trust. I focus on not being an emotional retard and she has recommited to me as her best friend.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Before I post my response to Broken I want to thank all who have posted here. The mods just had a recent thread among ourselves about cheaters who come here for help are often scorned by many and helped by few. That is exactly the opposite of TAM's mission. It is to help all who find themselves in a troubled marriage whether they be the victim or the instigator. Thanks.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Broken in Pieces said:


> So, getting back to my question... is it possible to regain someone's trust?


Having been in your husband's shoes, yes it is possible. But as JB says, it will never be the same. I am 4 years post D-day and while our marriage is in many ways better and stronger then it was before the trust factor is forever changed. The marriage was robbed of its innocence with my wife's EA. The unfathomable became fact and a cornerstone of the marriage cracked. But that is my issue now, not hers. We have reconciled and grown closer. We have a better understanding of each other's needs and attend to them. Do I feel a need to use devices such as VARs, GPSs or key loggers? No! Hell, I don't even look at the phone bill detail anymore. But every now and then she might say something that acts as a trigger for me. And I wonder. Yes, I have regained trust in my wife, but it is changed and if it ever returns to what it was before, it will likely be a long time to come. 

You are taking the right steps in recovery but your husband is still raw from the pain. You don't get over that in two weeks. Work with your MC and make sure there is no contact with TOM or any inappropriate contact with others, ever again. Show your husband you love him, but don't dote on him, he needs time and space. Spend time together as a family and couple and give things time to heal.


----------



## Broken in Pieces (Jun 13, 2011)

The Guy -
Here is the back story snap shot... in early 2006 my husband took a new job in a different state, we put our house on the market and moved into an apartment with our 18 month old son. Market tanks, can't sell house, company won't pay more than 6 mos. for apartment in "nicer" area. We move to another apartment farther away from office for another 6 mos. House still doesn't sell. We move back to house and my husband "commutes" to new job. After another month or so (and forgive me the exact times may be skewed) my husband takes another job in yet another state. This time we cut our losses and just sell the house. Move into another apartment for about 10 months until we find a house to buy. Move into new area (no friends or family close)(In-laws @ an hour away). New job becomes something neither one of us expected, he ends up on an assignment in yes another state (@2.5 hour flight). This assignment has him leaving the house Sunday afternoons not to return until Friday night. Meanwhile our son is being assessed for developmental delays (turns out he is Hyperlexic with an Asperger personality). In retro, I felt overwhelmed, lonely and isolated. My mother had passed away 5 months before our wedding and as a result my family fell apart. So with no family to call, a childhood best-friend who was five hours away and had 5 kids and a life of her own, I never reached out and screamed for help. Thought I could handle it. Now, of course I realize I should have turned to my husband and said "I can't do this. I am not strong enough. I need you." But I didn't. I knew it wasn't a walk in the park for him either. Knew he didn't like or want to be away from us. I didn't want to add to the burden, insert looks of irony and scoffs of disgust here, like an affair would ease the burden, I know. So basically I clung to the first sign of friendship I received, which happened to be a couple we met through our son's pre-school. I became chummy with both, but the husband and I began texting more regularly and "seemed" to have more common interests. I write "seemed" because part of seeing the whole affair in it's entirety and reading others posts I believe this guy had no intention to just be my friend, he saw my weakness (I let him) and he played me. Don't get me wrong I am not blaming anyone but myself. There were times during the affair I would initiate the contact. But this guy had my number. And I became addicted to the attention and the rush, totally sophomoric. So what started out, in my mind as friendship evolved into to an EA and then to PA. So I hope this answers your question, but now I have one for you ... all of this situational stuff is all well and good, but I still knew it was wrong (although in my head I kept trying to minimize it, even telling myself that it really wasn't an affair just because I didn't sleep with him). How do you as the betrayed spouse ever get past that? My husband says I did it because I just didn't love him enough, and he can't get past it. And to be honest, in a black and white world I have to agree with him, but I never thought I didn't love him. So when he keeps questioning me why I did it, being lonely is just not a good enough answer. I am sure there are lots of lonely people who do not cheat on their spouses. How do you accept ANY reason? We broke the rules, not like we didn't know them going in. This topic of why is one of the biggest stumbling blocks so any insight you can offer is appreciated.


----------



## Broken in Pieces (Jun 13, 2011)

Amplexor - thanks for your input. It gives me hope. I have given my husband all my codes to FB and cell phone. Would even be open to implanting a tracking device on my person, I know crazy, but I am willing to do anything to prove to this man that I do want to be with him and only him. How did you get through this raw stage? Want to help him, but sometimes I can feel his rage, disgust and pain just by being in the same room.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Offering him transparency is a good step. If he needs that fine, do it. I assume you have done this already but have you outlined for him, why it happened? What drove you to it? That was important for me as it moved me to a period of self reflection. I understood that I had made her vulnerable to it by not attending to her needs. Two way street here, she wasn't attending to mine either. But by understanding why she did it made it easier for me to comprehend and determine how to move foreword.

As far as getting passed the initial stage, the circumstances are too different as my wife withdrew from the marriage after discovery. Completely different dynamics from your situation.


----------

