# Setting boundaries in a relationship



## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

My STBX husband had an affair with a co-worker of his. I realize now that neither of us learned how to set boundaries with other people; not just of the opposite sex, but within our own families; parents etc. How do you learn to do this? Does it take practice? I am exploring this right now in IC, and in fact have had to tell my STBX to stop making sexual comments to me-he will tell me it is just a joke; yeah right. Anyway, for any future relationships, do you just discuss what your expectations are? Then trust that will happen? It is scary for me to assert myself like that-but I do want to stand up for myself. Any advice out there as to what has worked for others?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

5Creed said:


> My STBX husband had an affair with a co-worker of his. I realize now that neither of us learned how to set boundaries with other people; not just of the opposite sex, but within our own families; parents etc. How do you learn to do this? Does it take practice? I am exploring this right now in IC, and in fact have had to tell my STBX to stop making sexual comments to me-he will tell me it is just a joke; yeah right. Anyway, for any future relationships, do you just discuss what your expectations are? Then trust that will happen? It is scary for me to assert myself like that-but I do want to stand up for myself. Any advice out there as to what has worked for others?


My husband did the same thing w a co worker and he had the same 'excuse'. He lacks boundaries. Its just not something I understand. Youre married. If you wouldnt do it in front of your spouse....dont do it! Im not trying to be rude I genuinely dont understand this.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Nothing you can really do but once it happens the 1st time... DISCUSS it with them and let them know it bothers you. If they can't get the point the first time... they just aren't able to grasp the concept at all I'm afraid....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hubs and I talked about EAs, PAs, respect for our marriage, etc. It was a good talk. Very mellow but informative. We set our own boundaries for our marriage and live by them now.


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## Standing_Firm (Mar 20, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Hubs and I talked about EAs, PAs, respect for our marriage, etc. It was a good talk. Very mellow but informative. We set our own boundaries for our marriage and live by them now.


What are some 'good' boundaries? Can you elaborate??


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

To learn how an SO feels about boundaries, I suggest that you bring it up in two ways. Discuss it directly and through events where actions can be determined. When I began dating my wife I had a close opposite sex friend and I invited my wife to be at the time to meet her and saw how she reacted to the situation. She could tell from the interaction where the relationship was and was comfortable with it and that showed me through actions that our thoughts about boundaries were similar. We then had some direct conversation about opposite sex friends. 

However what we didn’t do back then was discuss specific boundaries. I have since learned better boundaries and my wife and I have had more direct conversations about specific boundaries. The issue was that there were some boundaries that we saw differently. So discussions about how your SO would feel given this situation would be useful. 

These discussions are not just for spouses. You can have them with opposite sex friends as well so that they know your boundaries and will respect them as well. I just started climbing with a woman recently that brought up the topic by mentioning a previous climbing partner who she doesn’t climb with anymore that violated several boundaries a married person should not. He confided in her with marital problems, sought emotional support, escalated contact etc. So we had a brief discussion about boundaries where I listed the major ones and stated where her other climbing partner had erred. I explicitly told her that those boundaries were important and that I would abide by them and I expected that she would as well. 

Riverside MFT had a great discussion about boundaries in this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ropriate-boundaries-members-opposite-sex.html


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello 
I think it's a good idea to plan a time to talk about this with your boyfriend but I never really did it that way. I guess it will just show up during the relationship. When you feel that there is a conflict with your values and what he does, then you need to talk about it. It should be natural.
Do you know what are your values? What is representing you? What is truly important to you? Why don't you make a list of your most important values (maybe 8 values) and come back to your list each time that you feel unbalance? 
Yes, boundaries are important and you will see during the relationship what they need to be. You already notice that your present boyfriend. Maybe because it didn't happen during the relationship to establish boundaries, you need to sit with him and talk about this. What are his values? How do your values align with his?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

5Creed said:


> How do you learn to do this? Does it take practice? I am exploring this right now in IC, and in fact have had to tell my STBX to stop making sexual comments to me-he will tell me it is just a joke; yeah right.


A key aspect of boundaries is recognizing what you can and cannot control. You cannot control if your STBX makes sexual comments but you can control the consequences when he does make those comments. If you say to him, "you can't do that!" it's poor boundaries because he can do that and you have lost all power over what comes into your life. This website, Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self, has a great model to follow when setting boundaries:

_When you . . . . .
I feel . . . . .

I want . . . .

Since I am powerless over you, I will take this action to protect myself if you behave in this way._

There were times in my marriage when I was not comfortable going through this entire dialogue with my H- it just lead to fighting- so I simply instigated the boundary with no verbal warning. That is appropriate sometimes when the emotional energy is really confusing. 

I also did another exercise from this webpage: dysfunctional families If you scroll about a third of the way down there is an exercise where you list intimacy attributes that you want your close friends, acquaintances, lovers, etc to have. Then you list the intimacy attributes that the people in your life have and place them in their respective categories. The next step is a real eye-opener. After you place each individual in their respective category you decide if they have earned what you are trying to give them. I realized that I was trying to force intimacy on my H when I didn't feel like he was worthy of it. In other words, he did not have the attributes of someone I would be comfortable being intimate with. It was an amazing change for me.

The last thing I did was get a book called *Boundaries in Marriage * by Cloud and Townsend. My H and I write each other's answer in the workbook and that is the only time we talk about the relationship. 

Sometimes you have to back off and start where you are and not where you think you should be. Evaluate the intimacy level in your marriage and bare your emotions accordingly. Do not unveil all your intimate details just because you think you should be able to; respect the emotional state of where you are, pay attention to how you feel, and pay less attention to what you think you should be getting.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I have this problem too; I avoid conflict like the plague. What I have learned to do is ask people questions when they cross my boundaries. Things like, Why did you say that? What do you mean? Why do you ask? 

It does take practice, and I don't think that you can plan it ahead of time. You just have to address it as it comes up.

Another technique that I use is taking a breath before speaking to someone who has made me angry. The most effective thing you can do is to address them calmly, without emotion. Your words will have more effect if you can say them rationally.

You have taken the first step, which is to be aware of the problem. Now you have to practice saying what you think without being a jerk about it. Start with something small, and build on that feeling of power when you master this.


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## The_Swan (Nov 20, 2011)

My story is more anecdotal but here goes:

Shortly after we got married, one of my husband's ex girlfriends called. I told him to get off the phone and reminded him that ex-girlfriends were off-limits. I told her to never call my husband again.

While my husband didn't see the problem with talking to her, I certainly did and I had to explain it to him. He understood. 

That's how our boundary-setting went.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Dh and I don't talk about boundries anymore, only because we've been together so long and they're very well established, so there's not much need to discuss them.

No ex contact. They're out of season...they're your ex for a reason.

Seems like ex's cause a lot of trouble...I think when people hit a rough patch in their current marriage/relationship, their mind starts romanticizing what was. But people should keep in mind that if the other person is/was so wonderful, why didn't it work?

To me anything that you would do in a *dating* context, going out to lunch/dinner/cofffee, texting, calling, ect...is a no no when you're in a committed relationship.

Yes, absolutely discuss what your expectations are with a future partner. Honesty and bluntness are best. That way, hopefully, there won't be any surprises.


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