# Not wanting sex even when it is good



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
there have been a number of threads on HD/LD, and often the LD people do not desire sex for very understandable reasons, their partners are sexuallt selfish, physically off-putting, or who are not in some other way fulfilling their part of a relationship.

Is there anyone who has felt a consistent lack of desire for their partner even if that partner is a good lover, is (by objective standards) at least moderately physically attractive, and who in other ways (romance, job, caring for children etc), does all that is reasonably expected in a relationship.

I'm looking for cases where by any objective standards the partner would be desirable, but they simply are not to YOU. 

This has been touched on before in the other discussions, but the examples posted by LDs tend to still center on cases where the LD isn't interested because the HD falls short in some way.


Note - some LDs have posted situations sort of like this, and I appreciate the input. I'm just looking for more.

To keep symmetry, and HDs who have found themselves very attracted to a person despite the fact that by rational standards the person should not be desirable. (I'm not just talking about physical appearance but someone who's personally etc would normally make them undesirable to most.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

I notice that you start your posts with "good evening" but do you realize some of us are in totally different time zones than you and it's the morning when we read your posts?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Is there anyone who has felt a consistent lack of desire for their partner even if that partner is a good lover, is (by objective standards) at least moderately physically attractive, and who in other ways (romance, job, caring for children etc), does all that is reasonably expected in a relationship.


My ex would had a consistent lack of desire even though I fit all the positive traits you list (told so/confirmed by multiple partners and most importantly by the one I've had these past 16 years; I was even in better physical condition back then). My ex was truly LD or simply not into me or her subsequent - and current - partner from what they've both implied to me the few times we've met.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

People's desires change. Many times, a woman's desire will lessen with children, other responsibilities, etc. In a reasonably good marriage, that gets worked out, the husband understands there will be reduction and the wife is accommodating simply because she loves her husband. In less good marriages, each partner concentrates on what he or she wants, I'm not in the mood sorry, I don't want to go to your mother's sorry, I just don't feel like doing this and it would be deceptive to go through the motions, to clean the house when I really don't feel like doing it, would not make anyone feel good. It certainly feels like a personal insult to the person rejected, and that's why many of these marriages are not good. 

For a woman, I have a hard time understanding why she wouldn't want to take 5 minutes out of her day to make her husband happy. For a man it may be a little tougher, if physical problems play a role. 

The solution is invariably not to nag but to place the LD person's actions in the context of the marriage. No, I am sorry I just don't feel like going to your mother's, it's my problem, not yours.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening (or morning or afternoon).
Right now I'm in a totally different timezone from myself....

I started out using good morning, evening, afternoon etc ,but eventually decided that with posters from all over the word, and with my tendency to change time zones frequently, I would just stick with "good evening"

Its actually morning where I am right now and I should be working not posting here.





warshaw said:


> I notice that you start your posts with "good evening" but do you realize some of us are in totally different time zones than you and it's the morning when we read your posts?


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

Not sure if this is quite what you're looking for, but...

My mother is very happy with her husband of 10 years, who is thoughtful, attractive, and kind. She has no real complaints about her marriage, besides the minor day-to-day stuff we all deal with when living with someone. They both seem very happy with their marriage.

However, she has no interest in having sex with him. She's felt this way for at least 3 years, from what I can tell. I don't know how often they have sex, but I gather it's not much.

It's worth noting that my mother is menopausal and was sexually abused as a child and teenager.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I never felt emotionally connected to my ex husband. He was a good and considerate lover, took me out on dates often, at least early on in our marriage, was and still is physically fit and attractive, did lots to help around the house, and was and still is a good and involved father to our son.

He also had a way of making me feel small. He never really listened when I talked, never really seemed tuned in and interested in what I had to say. Never really was there for me when serious stuff happened, like my Mom dying suddenly of a heart attack when I was 26 and when we'd been married for less than a year. My family and friends didn't like him much, mostly because he decided he didn't like them and kind of cut me off from them. I ended up traveling alone to see my Dad and stepmother over the years because he couldn't be bothered to join me. He would blame his job, yet he'd find a way to make time for his family that was also out of state. My parents were well-to-do, active retirees who were always nice to him. They came to think he was cold and kindly tried to tell me they were worried he was selfish and wouldn't be a good partner for me in the long run. A few good friends and my brothers tried to tell me the same.

We were compatible in many ways - same religious and political beliefs, same taste in movies, music, traveling, sports. But I never felt connected to him. The sex was good and I was fully sexually functional. But I was never much of an initiator, and that's been my nature even with men I was with before him where I did feel that connection. I'm one of those responsive LDs, I guess. I know I'm capable of feeling that connection and having a strong sexual bond because I did with my first long term boyfriend in high school. Once we started having sex at 18 and 19, that's all we did. Which was good, because other than loving the New York Giants and dogs, we had nothing in common and argued all the time.

My ex now will say we were great friends but never lovers. I think he's hitting the tree, but missing the target. We actually weren't great friends. He didn't treat me like a true equal for whom he had a deep respect. He treated me like a convenient afterthought. Years go by of that, and when you don't have the courage to leave, you tolerate for a while and then start to resent. And ultimately, the thought of sexual intimacy with a person who's made you feel second-rate for years becomes at best non-existent, and at worst, repulsive.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> And ultimately, the thought of sexual intimacy with a person who's made you feel second-rate for years becomes at best non-existent, and at worst, repulsive.


I love the way you write, and especially loved this.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Good morning, everyone wake up, 

I'm not sure if my input will help, but one analogy that I have been told is that it is like going out to eat for an ice cream sundae. One of the two always just wants to go eat ice cream sundaes, and while the other really likes it they would much rather go out and eat something much healthier like vegetables or a salad. 

Perhaps when women condition themselves to abstain from sweets and sugary foods all their adult lives, they also condition their personalities to behave the same way when it comes to sex. The parts of the brain that respond to an appetite for food and a appetite for sex are actually closely related as the limbic system. 

Anyway, my 2¢. I could be wrong as I am thinking out loud.

Regards,
Badsanta 

https://www.dartmouth.edu/~rswenson/NeuroSci/chapter_9.html

*Hypothalmus*
The hypothalamus, the primary output node for the limbic system, has many important connections. It is connected with the frontal lobes, septal nuclei and the brain stem reticular formation via the medial forebrain bundle. It also receives inputs from the hippocampus via the fornix and the amygdala via two pathways (ventral amygdalofugal pathway and stria terminalis). The hypothalamus has centers involved in *sexual* function, endocrine function, behavioral function and autonomic control.

...

Some functions are intrinsic to the hypothalamus. These are functions that require a direct input to the hypothalamus and where the response is generated directly via hypothalamic outputs. Included are such things as temperature and osmolarity regulation. There are many functions where the hypothalamus monitors the internal melieu and produces a regulatory response. *These include the regulation of endocrine functions and appetite.* For example, the ventromedial nucleus of the hypothalamus is considered a satiety area, while the lateral hypothalamic area is a feeding center.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Bobby5000 said:


> For a woman, I have a hard time understanding why she wouldn't want to take 5 minutes out of her day to make her husband happy. For a man it may be a little tougher, if physical problems play a role.


I can understand what you are suggesting - it's seems a small thing to invest so little time in something that has such a large impact on someone you love. Although your question was rhetorical, I can give an answer from my point of view.

At 5 mins, I'm not even warmed up yet. I would still love my husband but the love I feel would do little to alleviate my frustration at the 5 min mark when the action stops. No matter how selfless the giver of such a gift seems, there is usually an expectation of a reward of equal value to what was given. 

Having 5 min of unsatisfactory sex is unlikely to increase the frequency. The situation is likely to get worse. I'm not implying that you would actually want to do this. It sounds simple and doable but it introduces other problems into the mix and is therefore not really a solution.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
That is how I feel as well - but since a lot of the LD people seem to have very valid reasons for not being interested in their partners, I have to be aware that it *might* be something about me. 

Even if I discovered my wife thought I was physically unattractive, that would help a lot. It would solve the mystery and make it clear it was something I couldn't fix. 

I don't think there is a fix, but there is always that nagging idea that I can find the magic thin to do that will give me the passionate sex live that I want. (other than divorcing that is).



Married but Happy said:


> My ex would had a consistent lack of desire even though I fit all the positive traits you list (told so/confirmed by multiple partners and most importantly by the one I've had these past 16 years; I was even in better physical condition back then). My ex was truly LD or simply not into me or her subsequent - and current - partner from what they've both implied to me the few times we've met.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
the sexual abuse is terrible, and in my mind and "external" issue. I completely understand how that could permanently change how one views sex. 



NoSizeQueen said:


> snip
> 
> It's worth noting that my mother is menopausal and was sexually abused as a child and teenager.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Good morning, everyone wake up,
> 
> I'm not sure if my input will help, but one analogy that I have been told is that it is like going out to eat for an ice cream sundae. One of the two always just wants to go eat ice cream sundaes, and while the other really likes it they would much rather go out and eat something much healthier like vegetables or a salad.
> 
> ...


Sex is more like going for a run in the park. People enjoy it generally, but I do not do it often as I am a bit lazy. If my marriage depended on it, I could happily do it twice a day.

If someone cannot be bothered to go for a run in the park for the sake of their marriage (and assuming this park has no tput on 100lb of fat) then **** them right off.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Correct me if I'm wrong Richard, but it seems like you're trying to crack a code to a perceived mystery within your marriage that simply can't be solved (or resolved) just by you. Looking to yourself is beneficial though. 

Do you trust your wife ...in the sense of trusting what she communicates to you? Considering that all behavior is communication, are you open to the various ways she communicates with you? Or is it possible you are unintentionally filtering that communication to qualify your own belief? 

The question of 'Is she into you?' Only she can answer that. However the 'magic wand' takes both of you. Granted, it'd be the furthest thing from magic. It might involve getting quite raw with yourself and each other. It might also mean letting go of a fixed outcome altogether and being comfortable with that.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> I don't think there is a fix, but *there is always that nagging idea that I can find the magic thin to do that will give me the passionate sex live that I want.* (other than divorcing that is).


And there's a fine bit of crazy-making right there. I wanted the man I thought I was marrying back. And maybe it would happen, if only I could figure it out, fix myself, fix the marriage, communicate the right way, change my weight, change my hair, change my clothes, change my manners, talk more, talk less, more sex, less sex, different sex, new meals, better childcare, a tidier house, a higher salary - something, _anything_. That very notion is what kept me so busy trying to find the right combination of buttons - in myself and him - that I wasted 16 years of my life with someone who was never even capable of a reciprocal loving relationship.

That "if only" is what keeps us trapped. It's what helps us, lets us, _encourages_ us, to waste years of our lives searching for a magical answer that doesn't exist. We tell ourselves there's always hope. When Pandora opened her box and unleashed all the demons that plague mankind, the only thing left in the box was hope. But the ancient Greeks knew what we modern folk seem disinclined to acknowledge: Hope was in that box to begin with....because it's a demon too.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

It sounds like to me in Richard's case his wife just isn't that into him. She's comfortable enough in the relationship to have some fun, occasional sex and a seemingly loving relationship. LD is the perfect excuse because it isn't her fault. She isn't going to say anything to risk a comfortable relationship. I haven't read all of Richards posts but my question would be when you do have sex is it generally good? Does she enjoy it? At what point do you concede that her LD may actually be LDFY (low desire for you).


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Rowan said:


> And there's a fine bit of crazy-making right there. I wanted the man I thought I was marrying back. And maybe it would happen, if only I could figure it out, fix myself, fix the marriage, communicate the right way, change my weight, change my hair, change my clothes, change my manners, talk more, talk less, more sex, less sex, different sex, new meals, better childcare, a tidier house, a higher salary - something, _anything_. That very notion is what kept me so busy trying to find the right combination of buttons - in myself and him - that I wasted 16 years of my life with someone who was never even capable of a reciprocal loving relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> That "if only" is what keeps us trapped. It's what helps us, lets us, _encourages_ us, to waste years of our lives searching for a magical answer that doesn't exist. We tell ourselves there's always hope. When Pandora opened her box and unleashed all the demons that plague mankind, the only thing left in the box was hope. But the ancient Greeks knew what we modern folk seem disinclined to acknowledge: Hope was in that box to begin with....because it's a demon too.



Well said.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening (or morning or afternoon).
> Right now I'm in a totally different timezone from myself....
> 
> I started out using good morning, evening, afternoon etc ,but eventually decided that with posters from all over the word, and with my tendency to change time zones frequently, I would just stick with "good evening"
> ...


I am not even sure why its worth even picking up on it whether its afternoon, morning or night who cares??:wink2:..

Yet they gave no advice just to tell you what time of day it was LOL.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Spitfire said:


> It sounds like to me in Richard's case his wife just isn't that into him. She's comfortable enough in the relationship to have some fun, occasional sex and a seemingly loving relationship. *LD is the perfect excuse because it isn't her fault. *She isn't going to say anything to risk a comfortable relationship. I haven't read all of Richards posts but my question would be when you do have sex is it generally good? Does she enjoy it? At what point do you concede that her LD may actually be LDFY (low desire for you).


There really isn't anything "comfortable" about having LD and constantly disappointing your partner because your drive doesn't match theirs, nor is it comfortable in a situation where your partner expects you to "perform" even though you aren't into it.

LD is not a "perfect excuse." For many, it's just how their brains and bodies are wired. Their HD partners aren't chained to them - they can leave if they want to try to find a partner whose drive matches their own.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Spitfire said:


> At what point do you concede that her LD may actually be LDFY (low desire for you).


Good point. Your thoughts, richard?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> I don't think there is a fix, but there is always that nagging idea that I can find the magic thin to do that will give me the passionate sex live that I want. (other than divorcing that is).


Richard, several other people have commented on this...it is clear that you are stuck in a cheese-less maze. There's no cheese, but you still go through the maze, over and over, trying to find it while none exists.

From everything you've described, your wife is simply LD and there is nothing you can do to change that. You could possibly light a fire under her constantly by threat of divorce, in which case she would try for short bursts of time and then forget about it again when the fire is out. This means, no actual change would occur.

I think at this point you should either accept it .... or actually consider that dreaded "other" possibility.

I struggled in the same manner in my first marriage ... wanted to find that magical cure that would make our sex life be good ... the only option I wasn't willing to consider was divorce.

Yet in the end, divorce occurred anyway and now I find myself in the sex life of my dreams. 

So in looking back at all my cheese-less maze wandering, I can see it was not only a waste of time and energy, it was me asking for my husband to be someone he wasn't. That was precisely why it was futile. It was like saying "I love you but only because I still assume I can change you into someone else".

It is probably different in your marriage because mine had other problems besides the sex, and yours sounds pretty good besides the sex. However, this doesn't mean that deciding to divorce was easy for me, it was the last thing I wanted.

We loved each other, but love is not enough for me. I understand now that when there is a mismatch on fundamental issues, the only way out is divorce or acceptance. If other areas of our marriage were better, I may have chosen acceptance, reluctantly, but it maybe could have worked.

I'm guessing you will eventually get to the point of acceptance.

You will find relief there, I promise you. Though all your efforts were important, as you had to find out if there was anyway things could change. Now that you can see they won't, you can probably find acceptance if you try. Your effort to accept will now be the best use of your energy. Either love her as she is and accept what she gives in marriage, or be fated to constant cheese-less maze hunting.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> ...Is there anyone who has felt a consistent lack of desire for their partner even if that partner is a good lover, is (by objective standards) at least moderately physically attractive, and who in other ways (romance, job, caring for children etc), does all that is reasonably expected in a relationship.
> 
> I'm looking for cases where by any objective standards the partner would be desirable, but they simply are not to YOU.
> 
> ...To keep symmetry, and HDs who have found themselves very attracted to a person despite the fact that by rational standards the person should not be desirable. (I'm not just talking about physical appearance but someone who's personally etc would normally make them undesirable to most.


I think you know my story. You and I share much.

I think you have gotten some good advice here. I am HD and my wife LD. I am 6ft and have a 34 inch waist. I lift weights, run, climb mountains and do long bike rides. Other women flirt with me at times, so I think I am reasonably attractive. During a session with a sex therapist and my wife prior to our reconciliation, the sex therapist told my wife that I was a "good man" and if she didn't want me, I would have no problem finding a woman who would be thrilled to give me the love I needed. My wife and I now have sex twice a week and I would say that out of every two weeks say 4 sexual experiences, she has multiple orgasms at least twice and a single orgasm on the third of the fourth time. Usually about once every other week, she just gives me the gift of her body and we have sex and she feels good about that, but she just doesn't want to orgasm that night. I do things for her every day to make her feel loved in addition to providing her with unconditional love.

I think that passes your objective criteria on why she should find me attractive or at least why I think that the sex is probably good. 

Maybe it doesn't.

My wife is LD, she struggles at times to be sexual with me, but she works hard at it. Outside of sex, we share so much and are such good friends and team mates/partners. I love her and have for close to 47 years of which 44 were as husband and wife.

I came close to divorcing her a couple of times, but never stopped loving her.

You are never going to change your spouse. You can only change yourself. You can be a role model for them and encourage them to change themself and you can support them in efforts to change, but it has to be something they do because it is what they want.

A really good sex therapist helped my wife and me and I would bet that one could help you and your wife.

Good luck to you. I wish you happiness.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

norajane said:


> Spitfire said:
> 
> 
> > It sounds like to me in Richard's case his wife just isn't that into him. She's comfortable enough in the relationship to have some fun, occasional sex and a seemingly loving relationship. *LD is the perfect excuse because it isn't her fault. *She isn't going to say anything to risk a comfortable relationship. I haven't read all of Richards posts but my question would be when you do have sex is it generally good? Does she enjoy it? At what point do you concede that her LD may actually be LDFY (low desire for you).
> ...


It's a complex issue that's for sure. I would guess that there are a number of issues at play in a lot of these situations. Do most LD people find that there life in general has low drive? Or is it limited to sex?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
She gives every indication of enjoying sex when we have it. She as given no indication of being attracted to anyone else. 

No way to know for sure though.



Spitfire said:


> It sounds like to me in Richard's case his wife just isn't that into him. She's comfortable enough in the relationship to have some fun, occasional sex and a seemingly loving relationship. LD is the perfect excuse because it isn't her fault. She isn't going to say anything to risk a comfortable relationship. I haven't read all of Richards posts but my question would be when you do have sex is it generally good? Does she enjoy it? At what point do you concede that her LD may actually be LDFY (low desire for you).


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