# Oh hell, I don't know!



## mrs_featherbottom (Apr 9, 2012)

Hi everyone! New here and in total chaos.

The backstory: husband and I met when we were 18. Started dating at 22, moved in together at 23, got married at 26. Married five and a half years at this point. 

He is a kind, dependable person. We really, honestly are best friends. We've known each other forever and I'd say we know each other better than we know ourselves.

Back in the earliest days of our relationship, I think I was fairly passionate about him. I remember missing him when he wasn't around, thinking about him all the time, etc. That started to change when we moved in together. Then before we were even married, I pretty much stopped wanting sex. The last two or three years have been very lonely. We have virtually nothing in common (we never really did, but somehow it didn't impede our relationship too much), and we spend our time together either bickering or pretty much ignoring each other.

The things I used to find charming now annoy me and we're both quick to jump down each other's throats over stupid, insignificant things.

I realized a few weeks ago that I need a break, if not to get out completely. I was out by myself with friends and I realized that I'm not dead inside the way I thought I was. I was having fun and I was glad my husband wasn't there. Clearly that's a problem.

I told him I wanted to leave. He martyred himself to the cause and moved in with a friend. Now I'm stuck holding the bag in "our" home (a rental house - month-to-month lease), waiting for *something* to happen. He wants to come back, but I think it would be too easy to fall into the same habits and patterns because it's the "safe" route.

I now have a chance to move out into a really cool industrial loft space by myself for 6 months. We have no kids, no debt and own no property. I think 6 months might be a good amount of time to try to be on my own; something I've never done before. We would continue in counseling together (starting this week) and individual counseling, then see each other 1-2x a week outside of counseling. Neither of us is allowed to see other people. 

Is this crazy? I feel like it would be so much easier if he abused me or something, but he really is a super nice guy... just not a person I feel remotely attracted to or romantically interested in. So what should I do?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Marriage is tough. It takes a bunch of work. 

You don't get into detail about your husband so it is tough to comment if you are warranted in feeling the way you do. It sounds like he is just a normal guy.

Chances are, your next guy will also be a normal guy. He will probably do things that annoy you. You will probably lose some of the 'fire' romantically after a few years. 

Problem is that your next guy, might not turn out to be a 'super nice guy'.

Marriage takes work. Sounds like you (and your husband) need to put in more work.


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## mrs_featherbottom (Apr 9, 2012)

There isn't much detail. He's a writer who used to also work a 40-hour a week job. He got laid off in December, so he's trying to make it full-time as a writer now. I'm completely in support of that. I think he's very talented and I'm proud as hell of him for getting three books published by one of the major publishing houses. He gets irritated with me because I don't read his books. They're not interesting subject matter for me.

He's kind of a dorky sci-fi nerd. He goes out and plays D&D weekly with his hipster friends. In some ways, he hasn't grown or changed much since he was 16. When he moved out, he took his clothes and his guitars and amps. Like he was running away from home or something.

It's not even that I want to date anyone else SadSam, so thanks for that judgemental slap. It's that I'm not sure I want to be with him. I'd rather be alone and lonely than lonely in my marriage.

He spends a lot of time reading/researching/writing. He talks endlessly and excitedly about his work. I can't even feign interest anymore. He never asks me about my life. Meanwhile, he expects me to continue to essentially take care of everything. And I do it, because that's the person I am. He splits household chores with me (he scoops the cat boxes and takes out the trash and recycling; sometimes he helps with the laundry), but planning, making arrangements, the general *details* of life are always left to me. And when I bring to his attention that I would like some help, he gets defensive and points out the chores he did. I can't seem to make him understand that I'm not talking about the freaking dishes. I'm talking about being a PRIORITY to him. I'm talking about not being taken for granted. I'm talking about him taking the initiative to PLAN ANYTHING.

A year or so ago, I told him how unhappy I was in our marriage. I asked him to find us a counselor. He said he would. He left a few messages, and no one returned his calls. Then he gave up. That made me feel really unimportant to him.

He told me that because I have a history of depression, he has always assumed that whatever unhappiness I was experience was "my problem" since he's happy. He tells me I'm just projecting my misery in other aspects of my life onto our otherwise happy marriage.

He couldn't be more wrong.

Guess who set up the marriage counseling this time around? That would be me. Shocker.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> Then before we were even married, I pretty much stopped wanting sex.





> It's not even that I want to date anyone else SadSam, so thanks for that judgemental slap. It's that I'm not sure I want to be with him. I'd rather be alone and lonely than lonely in my marriage.





> I now have a chance to move out into a really cool industrial loft space by myself for 6 months.





> In some ways, he hasn't grown or changed much since he was 16.


Seems like you haven't done much growing yourself either.

Don't kid yourself. Why are you claiming you want to be lonely in life?! You will be sleeping with the first dude that appears around your "cool industrial loft". You're young and want someone better or "cooler" than your nerdy husband. Just admit it to yourself.

Setting up marriage counseling is by no means a proof of you working on your marriage. 



> I'm talking about being a PRIORITY to him. I'm talking about not being taken for granted. I'm talking about him taking the initiative to PLAN ANYTHING.


You claim to have no interest in his lifestyle, priorities, writings, hobbies, conversations. Why should he have any in yours? He probably did at some point, but now resents you for making him feel lonely in the marriage (exactly how you claim want to feel even when you leave him!)

This whole thing sounds like a classic case of "I need some space" which translates to "I think I'm pretty enough to be with some better looking guy who will ravage me in bed. But I love how committed you've been to me over the years and need the comfort of our stable life, so let me go see if I can find a better option than you for a few months and if it works out we'll amicably divorce. Ok doggie? Good doggie!"


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## mrs_featherbottom (Apr 9, 2012)

You know, I came here in earnest. I really wish I had read more posts before I posted myself. I'm sorry for you all that you've been hurt. I really am. 

I spent hours last night reading this board and I realized there's so much bitterness and misogyny here. Not every woman is a *****. Not every woman who says "I need some space" and suddenly starts eating healthier and working out is doing it because she had her eye on some other dude. Some of us wake up to the fact that our lives just aren't working for us, so we change everything we can to try to find the broken parts. I've never cheated and I never will. I've been cheated on and it's the sh*ttiest thing you can do to yourself and your partner. I fail to see the absolute correlation between "I need space" and "I'm humping some other guy."

Further, some of the "detective" maneuvers that many of you encourage are certainly unethical, if not downright illegal. I promise you this: if my husband (or, frankly, anyone) ever pulled that crap with me, I'd file in a heartbeat. It's invasive and disrespectful, and gives me a lot more sympathy for your wives.

I hope that you guys figure out ways to be happier in your own lives. A good start might be letting to of your hatred of women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

9 times out of 10, those bitter guys are right with their assessment of the situation.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

synthetic said:


> This whole thing sounds like a classic case of "I need some space" which translates to "I think I'm pretty enough to be with some better looking guy who will ravage me in bed. But I love how committed you've been to me over the years and need the comfort of our stable life, so let me go see if I can find a better option than you for a few months and if it works out we'll amicably divorce. Ok doggie? Good doggie!"


This is kind of horrible...and not constructive at all. Let's try to remember that people are here for different reasons.

What did you guys use to have in common? Obviously there is a reason you got together. Maybe try something new together.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I fail to see the absolute correlation between "I need space" and "I'm humping some other guy."


There are no absolutes in this world, and I didn't say you're already humping another guy, and I stand by every word I said.

You're not the first one, nor the last one. The correlations did not appear out of the blue. Other women have walked the path you're taking and by now there's a very clear picture of how you are feeling inside (and denying it to make yourself feel better) and where you could be headed.

My dear, I haven't been hurt. Your husband has though. Don't feel sorry for me. Feel something for your poor husband who is getting short-changed in the most significant commitment of his life. He signed up to be your "husband", not your jumping board.

What did you sign up for when you married him? Can you list your vows here? They must be somewhere in that drawer eating dust. Or you might want to rewatch your wedding ceremony where you promised to stay by his side for the rest of your life. Oh, yeah, what exactly did you hear when you happily said "I DO"?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

There HAVE been some judgemental comments made, and that should not have been. Most of the people on this board are NOT going to judge you! We don't know your circumstances, only our own and what you tell us of your side of the story. That being said,

1.) Is your own depression under control? Is it currently being treated by your doctor? If not, start there.

2.) By age 23 you had lost interest in sex. That does not seem like something you should accept. Find out if there is a medical problem.

3.) You are lonely in your marriage and it sounds as though your husband is lonely in your marriage, too. Perhaps you have each put more effort and good times into your friends for the last couple of years than you have into each other. No judgement. Most people tend to do that; spouse annoys, irritates, hurts us...friends, not so much. Friendships by their nature (because you're not with them 24/7 nor in extreme circumstances) tend to have fewer highs and lows than a SO relationship. They are relatively stable.

4.) You and your husband have not given marriage counselling a try (unless I mis-interpreted your posts), yet it seems like something that you are BOTH willing to try. I would suggest that you BOTH give it a SINCERE effort for 6 months and see if you feel ANY improvement in your view of the marriage and each other. Since you are each other's best friends, it seems possible that you could find some new activity that would interest both of you and that would give you "us" time outside of the home; try to remember what if felt like to hang out together and have fun.

5.) My caution to you is that if you leave for the loft and file for divorce, you will never understand what made this marriage fail. Part of it was YOU, and part of it was HIM. Without understanding the role each of you played in it, the pattern may very well repeat itself in your future relationships.

Please just think about it. (hug)


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## pianist87 (Apr 2, 2012)

Hello,

I can certainly sympathize with you, as I am struggling with similar feelings. My husband and I were married at 19 and we're both 24 now. I have never really lived on my own either and I currently have overwhelming desires to do so. I'm bored with my life, feel unfulfilled in every aspect and I fear that they love I had for my husband is gone. 

Are you getting counseling just for yourself? If not, I recommend you start there. I've just started IC and finding it to already be eye opening. So much so that 3 weeks ago I was certain divorce was the answer but now I feel there might be some hope yet for us.


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

I can totally relate to how you are feeling. Your basic situation sounds very familiart to me as I am in the middle of a trial separation after 20 years together and things are not going so well. It does sound as though you have drifted far apart as often happens when you meet young (whether you marry young is irrelevant I think).

Please please please, if you are not already, get marriage counselling, if for no other reason than to learn what went wrong between you and to pick up some relationship skills.

Marriage is not going to be a passion filled romance for a lifetime, but you sure as hell should have a connection. A good counsellor will help with the skills for reconnect.

Who am I to talk? Just a wife who didn't grab the bull by the horns years ago to address my marriage problems. All the best....your decisions can take ages to work through (mine are taking much much longer than I would have ever thought).


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