# Silent Treatment #2



## definitelynotme (May 4, 2010)

Background: my husband and I have been together 5 years, married for 4. He lives in Sweden and I live in the US. We've been working on changing that, but he's been out of work for more than a year and a half, and I have not worked full-time in a year. unfortunately, that means Sweden will not approve a residency permit for me at this time, and the US app for a resident alien permit is expensive, so there've been some delays on our end as well as theirs. Needless to say, we're both unhappy with the overall situation. I'm also in the middle of bankruptcy proceedings and have lost my house and am living with my parents at the moment.

Long story (somewhat) short: My husband won't talk to me--he won't answer or return my calls, respond to my text messages, respond to my e-mails, nothing. It's been 5 full days since I had any contact whatsoever from him, and that was a single-line response to an e-mail I sent. 2 weeks since we've actually spoken. Last time he did this for a few days, he said it was because all I ever did was ***** when he called--now, this is mostly true, but he's also done/not done a lot of things that he knows will make me upset (e.g., not even having a resume together after 1.5 years out of work, not getting the paperwork we need for his green card together, etc.). I've told him before that I get paranoid and weird when I don't hear from him for 3-4 days, even when nothing was wrong between us. I know I have been *****y and stressed out, but this seems extreme to me. I want to know: is this deserved/reasonable? Is it an extreme response? Do I wait it out, or try every way possible to get a hold of him and force him to talk to me? Or do I simply assume he wants a divorce? (The next-to-last time we talked, he unloaded on me about everything I've done wrong--a lot of it accurate--and did say he wanted a divorce, though we talked through that the next day.) I would appreciate any opinions... and I did read through the "silent treatment" thread that is also posted.

Thanks!


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## definitelynotme (May 4, 2010)

Thanks for the response. However, I think I do "own" my behavior. We're not talking about my complaining he left the toilet seat up--we're talking about very important things he needs to do (i.e., get the paperwork for immigration) that he doesn't. I DID stop even asking about it, assuming he would get to it and let me know when he did, but he hasn't. So I blew up at him about it--after I paid another $400 and he didn't do what he needed to. The best response? Of course not. But did you catch the part about having been married 4 years? And he has still done very little to move this process (us living in the same place) forward.

So, yeah, you hit on one thing... I do think he shares some of the blame for my reactions. So your opinion is that he's justified? Should I not ask him about what he's done to get a job, how he's paying his bills, where the immigration paperwork is? Because this is what he calls "b**ching"--my asking him about things he's supposed to be doing. Sorry to sound combative, but simply not following up with him doesn't work, either, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Hunt,
How exactly is she *****ing because she wants her husband to get his act together so they can be together as a family? Play nice and don't say anything to upset him/call him out on his ****. Stop "*****ing" and answer a pretend door bell in an effort to have honest communication with her HUSBAND. Really? 

Definitely,
Why exactly do you want to be with this conflict avoiding person who ignores you?


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## definitelynotme (May 4, 2010)

Brennan, Until recently, he's been great. We have had our problems, but other than this whole "not living on the same continent" thing, they've been minor. We get along well, share a similar sense of humor, and have passions for some of the same things. Besides loving him very much, we really are a good match. I'm afraid that is going to eventually fall by the wayside and our hurt, anger, and resentment are going to be insurmountable. :/ I really want to save our marriage--if someone convinced me hopping on a plane to Europe would do it, I'd be at the airport tomorrow. But I feel I have to *do* _some_thing. :/

Thanks for your response as well. I do appreciate any and all.

And Hunt... I did send him an apologetic e-mail as suggested. No dice yet.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Sadly I have seen many of these types of relationships fail, the distance is to great, the physical contact to little. What is stopping your husband going to you. If he cared enough he should be on the plane today. Plus you are paying out money for this, is he making any contribution.

My personal view:-- He should get off his arse and do what needs to be done to be with you, he is married to you, there is always a reason to procrastinate and do nothing or move at a snail pace.

Be warned he may have 'lost interest', be ready for a fall


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think I would have to seriously question his commitment to the marriage. My boyfriend was an over the road truck driver. He was constantly gone, and we talked every single day, without fail. It might only be 5 minutes, if one or both of us was busy, but we got on that phone every single day. We also texted, and emailed each other frequently. We did facebook and myspace, too. If we'd been in different countries, I imagine it would have been the same, possibly even more because of the greater distance. 

Now, of course, my boyfriend and I are not you and your hubby. But the lack of contact, combined with not doing anything to try to get you both in the same country, to me would indicate that he isn't really all that interested in being together. 

If it were me, I would send him an email and tell him that I need to talk to him ASAP. When he calls, I would just tell him that I need to know where we stand. I'd point out the lack of contact, the lack of movement on getting into the same country together, etc. and tell him that I feel like he's not doing anything to move our marriage forward and I want to know his feelings on it. I'd even just bluntly ask him "Do you want to be with me anymore? Do you still want to be married?" If, in fact, he does, the bluntness of that question should wake him up to the fact that what he's doing is putting your marriage at risk. 

As for your complaining...well, I know my boyfriend has told me before he hates it when I complain because he wants me to be happy and wants to fix things when I complain about them. If your hubby feels that way, it could be that the complaining annoys him because he can't do anything to fix some of the stuff you complain about. But when it comes to the stuff for the green card and the resume, that sounds to me like he just hates having pointed out to him what he's not doing or doing wrong, which...well, I can understand it, but I also say if he doesn't like that, he should do what he needs to do.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I agree with Hunt Brown about owning your own behavior, but I'd like to take it a couple of steps further. Owning what is acceptable to you, what you want, and what you need are also very important parts of relating to another person.

The Silent Treatment is abusive on his end, yet you've accepted it up to this point. You are still complaining to him about responsibilities he should be dealing with and picking up the slack for him on many levels that is not helping him grow in his own self development or allowing him to own his own decisions.

He hasn't worked for a year and a half, so I imagine you are footing the bill for everything? Is that acceptable to you?

Try this, "Honey, I love you and I'm sorry you feel I've complained so much. I am now releasing your responsibilities so you can own them. I hope you will get a job and straighten out your green card situation soon as I am no longer willing to pay any additional expenses for you." Then, do what you say you are going to do.

In all likelihood, this will start another silent treatment. Use that time to really think about if this is the kind of life that is acceptable to you and then own that.


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## definitelynotme (May 4, 2010)

Thanks for the responses. To clarify, no, I am not paying for anything of his and I have made him help me out with the most recent expenses associated with his green card. He did get paid to sing on some crappy band's new album, so I suppose I should point out that he did have *some* money coming in. Of course, if he doesn't get his green card, he can't legally finish that up, as they want him to come here and do it, so he has MORE reason to need to get that done, and soon.

Of course, I have pointed out to him before, calmly, that his (in-)actions speak louder than his words... that is, that despite his protestations to the contrary, it seems like he doesn't actually want to be with me.

@atruckersgirl: we used to talk almost every day. 

@Hunt: I do appreciate your opinion, but I simply cannot just "let go" of expectations. Not when these things are this important. :/ He's going to have to start acting like a responsible adult again sooner or later--he is 40, for crying out loud.  Oh, and still no response from the apologetic e-mail I sent per your suggestion. :/


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What if YOU aren't meeting HIS expectations? And now he has decided you're more trouble than you're worth?


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

I had a similar situation with my husband, but what I demanded was he get a job, find an apartment and move out of his parents house. I argued with him over the phone, wrote him a few letters (from the heart not hate mail), angrily pointed out how his not wanting to move out was hurting our marriage. Tried using reverse psychology. Told him he doesn't care and if he did he'd show me and all. I also did all these things calmly without arguing or *****ing, even apologized for my behavior and he would "listen" but would not budge. Every phone call turned into a yelling competition and a few weeks ago I ended up calling him a coward and said he's a good for nothing husband because there's a limit on how much of this I could take (been a year now and no change whatsoever)...all this while I was pregnant and after giving birth. He wouldn't answer my calls or would turn off his phone for days. I'd rather he called me a b***h than did that really. 

I just wanted to ask, how else can someone deal with a man who's not willing to do much/anything about it whether the wife is *****y or nice?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Move on.


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## definitelynotme (May 4, 2010)

Hunt Brown said:


> if you do not let go of your expectations, you will always find him lacking.
> 
> you need to love and respect the man he is, not demand that he be what you want.... the same thing you expect of him, to love you for who you are and not to find fault with you.


I do love and respect the man he is, or rather who I know he was until recently. Expecting someone to keep their promises and committments is absolutely not something I can let go of. But you're right, nothing I've tried has worked--just letting him handle things on his own (keep in mind the jobless thing has been 1.5 years+, and the green card more than a year), giving constructive advice, cajoling, begging, yelling, crying. 

What I want to know is how do I handle this situation right now? He hasn't responded to the e-mail I sent last night apologizing for blaming him for my reactions & behavior. At this point, I don't know if he's alive. :/ Do I just try to wait him out? Do I keep trying to contact him? To be honest, I feel completely worthless most of the time lately, to the point of contemplating ways to end things.


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## definitelynotme (May 4, 2010)

Hunt Brown said:


> I don't know what your email said, or how it was phrased, ... i mean if it said "sorry I biatched at you for being such a loser..." you may not get a positive response.


No. it was short but sincere and completely on me. I'm not a complete dolt. 



Hunt Brown said:


> so, assuming your email didn't add fuel to the fire, why don't you spend some time with a good book about relationships and getting some skills that are going to benefit you long term? Any thing by Dr. Phil, Harville Hendrix, or Harley is going to do right by you. get on your pogo stick and get down to the book store and look through a few to find the one that makes sense to you.


Because I am currently working only part-time and am in the middle of bankruptcy, I am not buying things like books atm. 



Hunt Brown said:


> if you don't get a response from him in a day or so then it's time for a better email. post it here and get some feed back before you send it.


Thanks. If I don't hear from him tonight, I may do that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Libraries are your friend.


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## definitelynotme (May 4, 2010)

Still no response. :/ I've decided to just let it go. I called his cell, his home phone, sent him an SMS, put a message on his chat on his own Web site, asked a mutual friend who's in Sweden to have him contact me, sent him an e-mail... no response whatsoever. So I've decided it must be over for him and I will not contact him again. I will of course have to ask for his address to send any divorce papers, I guess, but I can probably get that from one of our mutual friends over there.

He doesn't know why I wanted him to contact me so desperately, if something could have been seriously wrong, and yet he can't be bothered. That hurts a lot.


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## definitelynotme (May 4, 2010)

Hunt Brown said:


> a little reality check.... yesterday you were going to send him a more inviting e-mail, today you are going to send him divorce papers, and mind you... he hasn't contributed a thing to this decision... this is all coming out of your head... you've created a story for yourself whereby he doesn't care, and that hurts, but even you admit he might be injured, he might just be angry, and yet you blame him for not responding immediately when you appologize.
> 
> that doesn't work.


I know he's not hurt or otherwise unable to respond. I've been in touch with a mutual friend. Expecting a response within 2 days is not "immediately." 

That's the problem with silence... the rest of us are left to guess what the silent party is thinking. THAT is what he has contributed. What am I supposed to assume he wants, if not a divorce?



Hunt Brown said:


> you had the opportunity to get the help of hundreds of posters to craft that better e-mail, but you couldn't be bothered.
> 
> that doesn't work


I said I "might try that" and obviously I decided against it. What good does it do to send him e-mail that he ignores? Why does he deserve my prostrating myself before him and begging for contact?



Hunt Brown said:


> and while we're on the subject, the whole "i'm in bankruptcy so I can't buy a book" meme doesn't work either, even if your budget is so tight that you can't buy a book, you could go to the library, you could borrow a copy...
> 
> that doesn't work


Reading a book is not going to magically save my marriage.



Hunt Brown said:


> if your marriage was important to you you would find a way to get the book... if your marriage was important to you you would find a way to get in touch with your husband. if your marriage was important to you you wouldn't give up.
> 
> but as you said, "he can't be bothered. that hurts alot"... I'm sure he shares the sentiment, but uses the feminine pronoun.


As for finding a way to get in touch with him... pray tell, what else is there? I've tried everything I can. What would you suggest? It's not that he doesn't know I'm trying to get in touch with him. His silence has crossed the line into pure punishment.

If he says I can't be bothered, he's full of it. My a$$ bought a ticket and spent the entire winter in Sweden to try to find a way to be together. I'm the one who has tried everything under the sun to make it to where we could be together.

You seem hell-bent on making this all my fault and putting me entirely in the wrong. It's getting tiresome. I don't do everything right, but he has no right to cut me off completely like this. He is being spiteful. Period.

And by the way, I finally broke my silence to a couple of my friends and have spoken to 2 mutual friends who are as shocked by his behavior as I am, and who agree it's time for some kind of action. They both know both of us very well and are as much his friends as mine.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It sounds to me like the only thing you want is for HIM to CHANGE. 

Life doesn't work that way. And if that's the attitude you've been taking, it's no wonder he's washed his hands of you. Why should he bother, if all you do is tell him he's wrong? You're right, he's wrong, he'd better change or you'll never be happy with him...so...guess what? He went ahead and made the decision for you.

A change in your marriage begins with you.


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## definitelynotme (May 4, 2010)

So wanting him to stop with the silent treatment = my wanting him to change? Tell me what specifically I need to change... "b**tching" at him? What else?

He NEEDS to change whether he is with me or without me. His life is not working. He is the one who continues to try the same approach to everything, expecting different results. I have tried multiple ways to solve his, and our issues. I've tried dealing with him by giving him his space, by not asking him about things that I know will upset me, by begging him to get his life together, by doing everything I can imagine to do.

So I need to "accept" him is what you are saying... quit expecting him to actually do anything to move our relationship forward, to have a job, to stay in touch when we are 5000 miles apart?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, you need to look at your half of the marriage and figure out WHY he has stopped contacting you. He didn't stop just because he woke up and forgot who you are; he woke up and thought: "I don't want to deal with her any more."

Why?


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## definitelynotme (May 4, 2010)

I addressed that in the original post... he thinks I b**ch at him too much. I think this is a disproportionate reaction, regardless of how much I do or don't b**ch. Also, I don't think asking him about following up on things like immigration paperwork, getting a job, etc., is accurately called "b**ching."

If he doesn't want to deal with me anymore, simply ignoring me until I go away is not an acceptable way of "communicating" that. he needs to straight up tell me. If he wanted some space, he should've told me up front.


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## definitelynotme (May 4, 2010)

I don't believe in self-help BS books. Sorry.

I do NOT want a divorce, but I also cannot stand having a husband who lives on another continent. 

Screw you. I'll make him a widower instead since I'm such an awful, terrible person.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

definitelynotme, you're not getting anything anyone is trying to tell you but most of all, it has not occurred to you that you should not have started this thread. You don't listen to anyone and you don't even listen to yourself. I don't know how old you are, but no woman in her right mind would want to be bothered with a 40 year old man in his condition. No woman in her right mind thinks she has to *MAKE* a man get his life together. No woman in her right mind would be bothered with this guy. Anyone would come to the realization by now that he is not the person she thought he was. So, all the reasons you gave for marrying him don't apply. They were just part of the delusional period of dating and falling in love - the guy he made you think he was - the guy he made himself out to be to get your attention and fall in love with him. You have been waaaayyyy too long well aware of the man he actually is the way Hunt Brown keeps trying to tell you to do. Instead of opening your eyes and accepting him, you decide to blow him up into compliance to be the man YOU want him to be, as if he is your child to mold. So how's that working out for you???

Your very first post sound ridiculous to me. I couldn't help wondering how desperate you are to want the man you described in your first post and to want this one you described today..........



definitelynotme said:


> He NEEDS to change whether he is with me or without me. His life is not working. He is the one who continues to try the same approach to everything, expecting different results.


Instead of martyring yourself thinking you know it all..........



definitelynotme said:


> I have tried multiple ways to solve his, and our issues. I've tried dealing with him by giving him his space, by not asking him about things that I know will upset me, by begging him to get his life together, by doing everything I can imagine to do.


Get the clue from what others keep trying to tell you.........



definitelynotme said:


> So I need to "accept" him is what you are saying... quit expecting him to actually do anything to move our relationship forward, to have a job, to stay in touch when we are 5000 miles apart?


But sans the sarcasm to mock everyone because you don't agree with them. And yes, getting one of those books could save your marriage. You would see that if you didn't already know everything. Maybe consider the possibility that not everyone is wrong but you and get the book to save your next marriage because it will ensure the next one is worth saving.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dnm, I'll ask you to look at the way you talk - to us, to him, ABOUT him...you don't see the animosity in your own words? WE surely do. And you can bet if WE do, HE does. And he wants no part of it, as he is now actively telling you.



definitelynotme said:


> I addressed that in the original post... *he thinks* I b**ch at him too much. *I think* this is a disproportionate reaction, regardless of how much I do or don't b**ch. Also, *I don't think* asking him about following up on things like immigration paperwork, getting a job, etc., *is accurately called "b**ching*."
> 
> If he doesn't want to deal with me anymore, simply ignoring me until I go away* is not an acceptable way* of "communicating" that. *he needs to* straight up tell me. If he wanted some space, *he should've* told me up front.


Look, we get that you're upset. But each one of us does the exact same thing, according to human nature: we avoid what is unpleasant and we are drawn to what IS pleasant. If you want him drawn to you, you have to be what is pleasant. It's as simple as that. 

Was he giving you what you wanted? Absolutely not. But if you ask yourself WHY, you will find that he had a REASON - he didn't WANT to. Why? If he was crazy in love with you and couldn't wait to spend his next waking breath with you, I guarantee he'd be jumping through every hoop on the planet to be next to you. 

But he's not.

So, again, you need to ask yourself WHY?

What about YOU makes him avoid you?

I'm not asking you these things to be mean. I care and I'm trying to help you find a solution to get him back. And honestly the only solution is for YOU to become what HE wants.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Look, I'm not going to sit here and try to tell you who's right and who's wrong. I'm just going to say this: My boyfriend was an over the road truck driver. We talked EVERY DAY. Period. There was never a "gee, why isn't he calling?" or "why didn't she answer?"
moment for us. We called each other every day. If we got voicemail, we left a message and the other called back, within minutes most of the time, at most within a few hours. 

If he really wanted to be with you, you wouldn't be asking these questions right now. It really doesn't matter at this point why he doesn't want to be with you; the point is he's made that pretty clear. Now, you could try to figure out what, if anything, you have done to make him feel that way, and see if changing it would change his feelings. But, if he's reached this point, where he refuses to communicate with you at all, then I'd say he's probably reached that point where he doesn't care at all anymore. 

I know it hurts to have to face that. But face it you should. In a long distance relationship, communication is even more necessary than in a regular relationship. When a country, or even an ocean, divides you physically, communication is ALL you have. And if you don't have that, then you have nothing. 

I do think, and I don't mean this in a harsh way, but I do believe that you have a tendency to have that black and white right/wrong mentality going on, wherein you think you're right and can't see how you could possibly be wrong. And I'm not saying you are wrong. Perhaps the majority of the blame for this does rest with him. But no matter who holds the majority of the blame, it takes two to make it work and two to make it fail. No matter what, some blame lies with you.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

definitelynotme said:


> I don't believe in self-help BS books. Sorry.
> 
> I do NOT want a divorce, but I also cannot stand having a husband who lives on another continent.
> 
> Screw you. I'll make him a widower instead since I'm such an awful, terrible person.


Obviously you're not open to change either. People who want to make a difference in their own lives start with self help books/articles or get counseling. 

And killing yourself is better than divorce? Really?


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