# Choosing between Her and sex



## Juanuno (Jun 20, 2018)

Hello every one this is my first post

This may be a long post and I do apologize but I feel the details may be important in order to give a better understanding of the entire picture. I’ve been reading through the forum and noticed quite a few threads where someone states XYZ is an issue and then people try to give advice but the TS’er states there are other things at play as well. So I figured I’ll try to give the entire picture.

I have been with a woman for 4 years now. Today is our anniversary . We get along very well generally , we have enough in common, theres love , mutual respect etc, it really is the best relationship I’ve ever had in that sense, we did have some trust issues in the very beginning but she has learned to trust me(I never did anything to lose trust , but she eyed me like a man she knew for a fact was cheating) . There have been several times where I came very close to purchasing an engagement ring. I’ve planned the way in which I would propose. But I have not been able to bring myself to follow through.

I do love her very much and I know she loves me very much. The problem for me is with our sexual side of the relationship. Weve always seemed to be on different channels . we are very affectionate, lots of little hugs and kisses through out the day , every day. But that is different than sex, and doesn’t lead to , its just normal for us to be affectionate.

I suppose I should back track a bit
We met on a website for big women (plus sized) and the men who love them (theres a reason I mention this)
We connected right away and fell in love very quickly.. 
Every relationship has that hot and heavy period at the beginning , where youre at it at every opportunity. I would say of all the relationships this was the most short lived one. Not by a little but by a lot, 
We have always been a bit different sexually not just in amount desired but .. I guess im a lot more adventurous then she is. Its normal to me. Its been like that with every previous relationship. I usually am the one to introduce all the “extras” into the bedroom (by extras I mean dirty movies, toys, fetishes , kinks etc) and some things the woman has been into and some things not , and then she brings in her ideas in or really enjoys what I brought in and takes that to another level where now it becomes her things even though I’m the one that brought it in .. and we explore each other and find new ways to give pleasure etc. .. this has been my normal til about 4 years ago,the day I met my current 

What I’ve become accustomed to as normal just hasn’t happened here.. I do get that maybe it isn’t normal, maybe I’ve made all my relationships that way when it comes to sex , in any case it definitely wasn’t her normal,,, Ive shared a lot about myself with her (sexually), things I woulndt just say out loud .. ive asked her what she is into.. she has no response .. just that she enjoys sex.

Ive explained that it doesn't have to be anything crazy or wild , but is there anything specific that gets her excited.. and seems there isnt . or none that she’s willing to admit, which I find difficult as I’ve been so open about myself in this regard.

I understand that women and men are different about sex.. womens emotions play a bigger role ,but even still my experience has been that there is still something that they can say that gets them a little extra excited ...if they put emotion aside for the sake of an intimate conversation, Again atleast based on my experiences with previous relationships.

But she always seemed to have very little interest if any at all in sex purely for the sexual pleasure.. its always seemed to be a sweet love making affair.
I always believed and based on my experience thought that everyone was happy with a nice balance of it all, there are moments for a close emotional , bonding moment of love making .. and then there are moments where its just purely for sexual gratification, a bit more hard core and direct. And both men and women enjoy this , again this has been my experience with all previous relationships.

I guess at this point I should include that I had told her from the very beginning of things that I very much enjoyed giving oral. I’d rather give than receive, if only one act would be performed , I’d choose going down on a woman, I emphasized its importance . She said she hadn’t had much experience with that , the men that she had been with didn’t do that much but that she was open to try but that she had never been able to reach orgasm that way and didn’t want me to get my hopes up.

I eagerly accepted the challenge because id been there before more than once . This wasn’t a new scenario for me and so I was confident that just like in the past id be able to make her orgasm, and shed love it so much shed be the one asking for it just like in my past, she just needed to be shown how good it could be

And just as I thought , mission accomplished. Took a couple of tries for her to relax and get comfortable but we did it. She was surprised and pleased. Ok so she wasn’t asking for it like I hoped she would , but when I went down she was very receptive and into it and claimed to have very strong orgasms this way. She did turn me away from it sometimes, but accepted and enjoyed it with just enough frequency to keep me ok with it. 

2 major things happened that put a big strain on our relationship in and out of the bedroom.
First was we decided we wanted to have a child.
Unfortunately it would not happen , we tried for months but a couple of things were an issue , her age and weight. 

This caused her a lot of emotional stress and it stressed me a lot to see what she was going through. She had never had a child and was told by doctors that she had very slim chances and that even if we dumped money at it , the odds were still very small.

During our months of trying I had the oddest thing happen to me , Mr always up and ready to go suddenly wasn’t so in the mood and needed a lot of convincing to perform. All of a sudden we were on a schedule and time of day and the moon and stars needed to be aligned for eggs to drop and be at the ideal temperature, and GET IN HERE NOW!.. lol so yeah ,, its was already scary enough having a second child 21 years later(I had a son very early in life).. the pressure of it all sucked the mood sexiness out of htings

She went through a feeling of failure , she was in her mid 40’s and never had a child. I was as supportive and understanding and did my best to explain to her that it wasn’t meant to be , she had no need to apologize to me. We agreed we would not continue wit the medical attempts and stopped all plans for a child.
OF course things didn’t just suddenly snap back , for either of us , it was quite an emotional roller coaster from the excitement of We’re having a baby to No you cant even if you want to .

Soon after She fell twice , due to a bad knee , and needed surgery .. after surgery her knee did not get better and she was not able to work for almost 6 months, the docs told her (although she already knew) that her weight was keeping her knee from healing properly.

She decided that she desperately needed to loose the weight, dieting doesn’t work so easily for her as she has a medical condition that makes the pounds stay on very easily.
She got bariatric surgery 


Before she did she asked me how I felt about it,, again we met on a website for men who prefer larger women. I told her I 100 percent support and agree with the decision, she needed it her knee was messed up. Now underneath it all I was concerned of the physical changes that would come. Which she did ask me about , I simply told her I cant asnwere for something in the future , I mean she wanted to know if I’d still be attracted to her , and I don’t know if this is a great answer but I told her that I thought our love was to the point where physical changes wont change how I feel but only time would tell that as she lost weight.
She went the through with the surgery , it was difficult few months .
She’s lost a bit over 125lbs in a years.. t

During the time from the attempts at pregnancy to weight loss surgery sex really came down to a crawl. Frequency was not even weekly , more like bi weekly on a good month.. I would try often but got turned away more times than not. The changes in her body were noticeable, but it was ok , the excess skin was not so appealing to my eyes.. but I loved her and once she got passed it all things would go back to normal.,, she was getting healthier and thtat is what mattered

so she has gotten healthier over time, her knee is better but sexhas never gotten back to what it once was ...sex has become my thing. She only initiates to fulfill her “duties” and quite honestly I think she does it with a “if I don’t give him some he’ll get it some where else” mentality.

We have spoken about it , she’s said that for her to get in the mood its easy , and that often she feels under appreciated and unwanted and that she has low priority in my life. 
I have attempted to change this ,, yes she is correct in feeling that way based on how I’d become , not that I really did want her . so I made more attempts to be appreciative , romantic etc. flowers, and more frequent date nights..
Things have improved in that way , we’re doing more “couple things “ now.. 
The sex has not improved.. ok so let me define improve .
Improve is not frequency.. its not “letting me” have some.

Some months ago, I threw and embarrassing tantrum in bed lol.
I swear not even 5 minutes after I felt like a child.
So remember several chapters ago I said I got her to like receiving oral.. well that stopped when she had the weight loss surgery. Because of her changing diet, and changes in her body, she said things didn’t feel right down there .. ok I understood.
Almost 2 years later , we’ve had several discussions on the return of that activity .. she insisted she was ok with it ,, but it just wasn’t her thing we would do it again but just not tonight…I said I understood about not feeling comfortable about smells , but I don’t smell anything off , and hey you literally just got out of the shower. .. ok maybe tomorrow..,. this conversation happened several times
So on this particular night ,, I admit I had a few beers .. we were rolling around in the bed and I really wanted her in that way , so badly.. I proceeded to kiss my way down there but right before I got there I felt the usual hand on my chin and the closing of her knees.. rejected for the 100billionth time.
I lost all interest in sex at that momement , and told her I just wasn’t in the mood.. I felt seriously upset.
She said just cuz of that ? I responded with some long winded statements about her knowing that I like that and all she does is reject and blah blah blah..
5 minutes later I apologized , I told her if I was disappointed in what happened it was my fault. She already said several times it wasn’t her thing, why do I keep fooling myself into thinking that suddenly one night it will be.. no ones fault but my own.
Next day she approached me about it , stating that she now realizes how much it means to me, and that she would be more receptive.
And she has been a lot more receptive to it.. so I should feel happy that I got what I wanted right? 
Well I don’t,,, I had to throw a tantrum to get it .. I wanted her to just enjoy it ,, she didn’t have to love it , just be ok with it enough to allow me even fake a moan or two.. but I had to act like a child about it..
And now she just lays there flat , like a mummy. .. Fantastic.

The problem is I suppose lack of enthusiasm over all by her. Every Friday and or Saturday , we have sex.. because of our schedules although we live together , those are the only days we spend together.. Fridays we go out to eat , come back watch some Netflix .. and you know the rest.
But its that feeling of her fulfilling her duties that I don’t like. 

So we had another discussion. 
I expressed to her how I felt.. 
That sex was my thing , not ours.
That I don’t even know how to approach her about sex anymore, because she has become so not sexual.
That she just lays there , with almost zero enthusiasm. 

She says she’s going through changes , rapid and large weight loss has messed with her hormones as well as she’s sure she’s going through or premenopausal
She stated that yes she’s never really in the mood , but when we do it she does enjoy it.
She insisted that I continue to try because if I didn’t she feared we’d never have sex , because she just never in the mood anymore 

Things have not really changed , she does make herself available every weekend .. and its routine unless I say .. “ok get up” .. “stand like this” .. “move over here” etc etc..

Some times I lay in bed and look at her as she sleeps ,, or look at her as she tells me about her day on our date nights ,, and it makes me sad . Sad because I want to hug her but I don’t want to let myself hug her anymore.
I feel like I’m being forced to choose between her and sex.. (by sex I don’t mean the act of penetrating her)
I don’t want to lose her ,, but at 42 I’m not exactly ready to say goodbye to good sex 
I’ve come to the point where I feel like there is nothing more for her and I to discuss , either I can accept things as they are or not 
She’s already come right out and said she doesn’t desire sex anymore.
My pleasure comes from giving , from seeing that I’m causing my partner sexual pleasure.. if that’s gone than its just me,, what do I need me for?

*** I’d like to make it clear that I’m not holding her up to some sort of imaginary porno level requirements .. sure I had my fingers crossed that shed be just as adventurous as me in the beginning ,, but at this point I’d take her plain vanilla missionary sex all day long.. if she only acted like she really wanted to be there.. I know everyone acts differently ,, some people are very vocal, some moan a lot , some are heavy breatehrs , some are very touchy .. 
.. I even told her recently , that pretending was ok.. that I understood how she felt .. but that even pretending was ok
That sounds desperate as I type it.. it is .. I’m desperately trying to make things work here


There ar days when i think i should buy her a ring and ask her to marry me , i'll never be able to find a woman like her gain , honest , trustworthy , kind , huge heart

Thanks to anyone that took the time read this

your thoughts and commets would be appreciagted


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It's time to just have a clear and short talk about the must have frequency you require in a relationship. Courteous, kind, but clear and short. 

It sounds like and is a tough but common spot to be in.

After her answer and changes of any.....you'll have to decide what you can or can't live with from, her actions.

If you stay you have to accept the circumstances. Or,..it may continue to fester and you'll leave later.

Best of luck..


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

The answer I know you would like to hear doesn't exist. Sexual incompatibility, which is pretty clearly what you are experiencing, doesn't often get much better over time. 

I could write pages of text outlining in detail what myself and others have experienced on this, but I will cut to the chase. Either you can accept things as they are, which will take a big mental shift on your part, or you cannot. 

Your partner is who she is, you are who you are, and no one is to blame for your sexual misalignment. You can't change her and she can't change you. If you decide to stay, the burden will be on you to accept a situation you now find unbearable. That's not an easy task either, but it starts with the realization that none of this is a malicious act designed to make you suffer.

You can leave, you can stay, but under no circumstances should you believe that this will get resolved the way you would like. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## His_Response (Jun 14, 2018)

Juanuno... 

Some of the things you've expressed sound very much like what my wife and I experienced during her years of not wanting sex. I won't go into the long version details, but in short, we finally discovered that her thyroid was not working properly. She was suffering from hypothyroidism for years, and we didn't know. When we resolved that issue (and a low testosterone balance), her libido came back in just a few months, and our sex life together since has returned to our just-married levels. 

I had been told by many that I should just give up. That things would never change. But in our case, there was a solution, and things did change. I'm not saying your situation will be resolved like mine was, but it's possible. I wouldn't give up. Talk to her more... and maybe get the thyroid levels checked. If her hormones have been all over the place, there's a chance that the problem might be addressable. 


-H.


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## Juanuno (Jun 20, 2018)

His_Response said:


> Juanuno...
> 
> Some of the things you've expressed sound very much like what my wife and I experienced during her years of not wanting sex. I won't go into the long version details, but in short, we finally discovered that her thyroid was not working properly. She was suffering from hypothyroidism for years, and we didn't know. When we resolved that issue (and a low testosterone balance), her libido came back in just a few months, and our sex life together since has returned to our just-married levels.
> 
> ...


Yes she has a thyroid issue.
I just asked exaclty what it was called , and she says it is hypothyroidism. .. says shes long over due for adjustments.

I wonder why of all the conversations weve had shes never brought that up as a possiblity.
I knew she had thyroid issues , and shes on meds for it. I just never thought to put it together as a possible reason.
She a very intelligent woman, sharp and informed. Ive only just now texted her about it , shes at work. And havent further questioned it , but i would find it difficult to beleive if she said she didnt know it could be a reason.

Which now annoys the hell out of me.. 

Well today is our anniversary so i dont want to make a stink over it .

Thanks for your input


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

This is the classic sexual incompatibility. Sorry to say that. 

I understand that she is going through changes. Weight loss will affect that. Plus she probably has body image problems and all of that. 

You could deal with that if you had to. But, what you are really dealing with is basic incompatibility, vanilla vs some kink, and high drive vs low drive. 

Bottom line, you cannot fix this. It is not impossible if she really wanted to willingly work on what you needed and try to get there. But, even if she did, it would not be natural for her. Further, it will get worse if you guys get married. 

You can try, but breaking up is where this is heading.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Juanuno said:


> Yes she has a thyroid issue.
> I just asked exaclty what it was called , and she says it is hypothyroidism. .. says shes long over due for adjustments.
> 
> I wonder why of all the conversations weve had shes never brought that up as a possiblity.
> ...


Hypothyroidism can be an absolute libido killer. Even with meds, the condition can generate great fatigue which means sex is an absolute chore. the struggle to perform may actually be so great that it appears she doesn't care when in fact she may care greatly, but just be unable to express it. 

It is also a great contributor to weight gain. On a related note, many large women tend to be inhibited about sex do to poor self body image. This can be huge even if she knows on an intellectual level that you sought her out in part because you have a big girl fetish. 

You're facing two great big hurdles, one mental and one physical. Neither 

The fact that this may not be "her fault" may put you in a more difficult moral position, depending on what type of guy you are. If she just flat didn't give a damn, it'd be relatively easy for you to send her packing, but you may be inclined feel some kind of loyalty and devotion to her, especially if you have even a small KISA (knight in shining armor) streak in your persona. 

There's no easy answer here and I don't envy you your situation. Previous advice that this is unlikely to change is spot on. Do you really think you can spend the rest of your life, or even just the best years of your life, like this? Think about that long and hard before you go buying a ring.


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## Juanuno (Jun 20, 2018)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Juanuno said:
> 
> 
> > Yes she has a thyroid issue.
> ...


Thanks, 
Yes that is what makes it difficult, a feeling of loyalty , and how do you leave some one for something that they arent doing intentionally.

We are great in everyother way, best friends type thing.. 

I will discuss with her as a last resort the medical re evaluation


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Re the oral: Say you like vanilla ice cream and your girl doesn't. Would you insist she also eat vanilla ice cream because you like it? When she caves, would you then be upset that she didn't roll her eyes in ecstacy and proclaim that this is absolutely the best flavor in the whole, wide world? Or, is it that if she loved you she would pretend for your sake? Because you are just so good at it and have made many a convert in the past and you really, really like it. This is the making of a childish tantrum.

Find a girl who likes vanilla ice cream. You two are not compatible in the bedroom.


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## Juanuno (Jun 20, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Re the oral: Say you like vanilla ice cream and your girl doesn't. Would you insist she also eat vanilla ice cream because you like it? When she caves, would you then be upset that she didn't roll her eyes in ecstacy and proclaim that this is absolutely the best flavor in the whole, wide world? Or, is it that if she loved you she would pretend for your sake? Because you are just so good at it and have made many a convert in the past and you really, really like it. This is the making of a childish tantrum.
> 
> Find a girl who likes vanilla ice cream. You two are not compatible in the bedroom.



Oh yes i absolutely agree.
I should have let it go way before and accepted that she doesnt like it and just because i think i have some sort of magic tongue doesnt mean i actually do

Ive already gotten past that,, of course i still desire it , but i accept that THAT is something she will never be into


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I have a very high libido and my wife's got lower and lower as our marriage progressed. However, I have a great wife. She solved the problem by asking her best friend to have sex with me while her friend was staying with us after a nasty divorce. That was my wife's solution to the problem. As she told me later, she had no fear that I would ever leaver her for her girlfriend for various reasons, all of which were true. Long story short, I had sex with her girlfriend and then invited my wife to join in and that was the start of 30 years sharing my wife's girlfriend. With a girl in bed with us, my wife's libido increased if for no other reason than competition. There were times when my wife was not in the mood and asked her girlfriend to take care of me. Sometimes the opposite was true but most nights there was at least one women horny. Not your everyday solution to your problem and mine but one that worked very well for us. We are married for 46 years now and monogamous for the last 8 which is fine for our advanced years and medical issues. 

My point is not to get trapped in the box that they call marriage along with the rules you are taught but never given any alternative other than divorce. Society structured marriage so that if you want to just have a one night stand, the moral and legal thing to do is first to destroy the life you have made with your spouse, face financial ruin and see your kids every other weekend. After you have destroyed everyone's lives and financial well being, then and only then, can you have sex with someone that you are genetically attracted to. That is what marriage is and why it now has a 53% divorce rate and a cheating rate some studies have shown to be 70%. We will not even get on a bus that has a 53% chance of not taking us to where we want to go and yet like lemmings sign those marriage licenses thinking we will bet the odds much like the millions who enter Casinos. 

We survived because we rejected the morality that did not work for us and found a morality that solved our problems and made us all happy. What I am saying is that maybe it is time to think outside of the box. That or else do what is necessary for you to have a happy life. I have always found that great communication equals great sex. I tell all my sex partners what I like and that I am willing to try anything they would like to try. I watch women masturbate, not because it arouses me but because it allows me to see how they bring themselves to orgasm. I learn from that and apply it to our sex together. I learned that our brains are our largest sex organ and if used properly with the right words you can have a woman dripping in anticipation. First thing to do is find out why your wife does not want sex as frequently. People do have different libidos but sometimes the problem is solvable. Medications, physical problems, not being aroused the way they need to, etc.. all can contribute. Have her talk to a doctor. Around here they have medical practices that will increase the libido of both men and woman. If a marriage's success hinges on a happy sexual life, and it usually does, than your wife should be willing to at least explore the reasons for her problem. Think outside of the box. Try sexual fetishes. 

There is one thing that has always worked for us. I take no credit for it as it is a common exercise suggested by sex therapists. Schedule sex nights where attendance is mandatory but sex is not. The first few times you may just talk or cuddle. What that does is produce the hormone Oxytocin whose purpose is to emotionally bond a couple together. We have found that after a few weeks we are starting to have sex and then it becomes regular sex and not just on sex nights. We compromise and find a happy medium. There are times when my wife is not in the mood for sex but she will take care of me and not in just a mechanical way. Sometimes when she is horny and I am not I will perform oral sex on her which she likes. We do whatever it takes to make it work; groups sex, threesomes, scheduled sex, sex to just please each other, etc.. If there is real love there, you will both want to please each other and work to find a way. Our way is not the way most do it and in fact I would not recommend bringing in others into a troubled marriage as we have seen that fail too many times with our friends. However, there are lots of other things you can do like try sexual fetishes, have sex just for your spouses pleasure, etc.. Good luck and hope my little story, while against what most people think, will at least make you see that if the ship you are on is sinking, swim to another ship that is afloat even if it is not like the ship that is going down fast.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Juanuno said:


> Next day she approached me about it , stating that she now realizes how much it means to me, and that she would be more receptive.
> And she has been a lot more receptive to it.. so I should feel happy that I got what I wanted right?
> Well I don’t,,, I had to throw a tantrum to get it .. I wanted her to just enjoy it ,, she didn’t have to love it , just be ok with it enough to allow me even fake a moan or two.. but I had to act like a child about it..
> And now she just lays there flat , like a mummy. .. Fantastic.


This is the kind of problem that watching pornography causes. I have seen a lot of guys complain about their partner's lack of enthusiasm, and I always feel like they, and now you, have the completely wrong idea about women in the bedroom. If you want a porn star to boost your ego and make you think you are so wonderful in bed, then find yourself a porn star. Prostitutes will do all the moaning and groaning you pay them to do. But whenever you decide to live in the real world with real women, then you have to get the clue that the "mummy" effect is entirely your doing, not hers. You may think yourself the cunnilingus champ but expecting her to convince you of it is in some way very twisted. Your desire for enjoyment in bed is entirely for yourself and not her. You actually want her to perform for you to make you think you are Mr. Magical for women. There is something backwar about that way of thinking. If you don't want her to lay there like a mummy, then give her reason and arouse in her the desire to be doing all that moaning and groaning you want to hear because moans and groans are, and are supposed to be, the involuntary and uncontrollable responses to ecstacy, and ecstacy is euphoric and feels good. If she's a mummy while you work, then you're not working right. You are not causing her any kind of pleasure.

Maybe you are able to make women cum when you go down on them. Although that ability does seem to elude some men, making a woman cum is very easy to do once a guy learns what it is that actually brings her to orgasm. But what he's doing leading up to the orgasm is what either makes her ecstatically out of her mind and doing all that moaning and groaning or causes her great annoyance that makes the final orgasm not even worth having to go through all the rest. I suspect your performance is somewhere in there because if it feels good, no way would a woman lay there like a mummy. She wouldn't be able tolay there unresponsive. She wouldn't be able to prevent responding to the ecstacy unless she were in a coma or medically sedated. Maybe rethink your fabulous opinion of your spectacular performance.




Juanuno said:


> *** I’d like to make it clear that I’m not holding her up to some sort of imaginary porno level requirements .. sure I had my fingers crossed that shed be just as adventurous as me in the beginning ,, but at this point I’d take her plain vanilla missionary sex all day long.. if she only acted like she really wanted to be there.. I know everyone acts differently ,, some people are very vocal, some moan a lot , some are heavy breatehrs , some are very touchy ..
> .. I even told her recently , that pretending was ok.. that I understood how she felt .. but that even pretending was ok
> That sounds desperate as I type it.. it is .. I’m desperately trying to make things work here


Yes, that is more than desperate. And so nonsensical that I can't wrap my head around it. Again, she's not a porn star. Will you share with us what sense it makes to you for her to fake enjoyment for your entertainment, as opposed to recognizing she obviously is not enjoying it? Stop trying to turn her into your porn star and start learning how to do it right. I have found quite a few men do like going down but don't know how to do it properly. I think the main thing is that, while they may know what TO do, they don't know what NOT to do. It's that part that makes it annoying and not worth the journey to the orgasm. If you would like to describe your activity in detail, maybe we can pinpoint your problem area(s). I understand if you don't want to do that. 



Juanuno said:


> Thanks,
> and how do you leave some one for something that they arent doing intentionally.
> 
> We are great in everyother way, best friends type thing..
> ...


If you and she really are incompatible in the bedroom, then there is no shame in leaving. You do have your sexual needs, and there's nothing wrong with that. However, I'm not quite understanding the thyroid thing. The problem may because her lack of libido, but does it make her numb? Can she not feel anything because of it. Maybe she doesn't get horny like she otherwise might, but once something feels good, how does it render her unable to feel it and respond? In other words, if you pinched her, would she not feel that? I'm not saying pinching feels good, I'm just saying it's something she should be able to feel because hypothyroidism doesn't prevent her from feeling the pinch and then saying "ouch". If the sex or going down felt good, she would respond to that.




Juanuno said:


> Yes she has a thyroid issue.
> I just asked exaclty what it was called , and she says it is hypothyroidism. .. says shes long over due for adjustments.
> 
> I wonder why of all the conversations weve had shes never brought that up as a possiblity.
> ...


Don't be annoyed. She might not know that it causes lack of libido (but I again say it doesn't prevent her from feeling), so she wouldn't have known to mention it as a possible cause. She has given you all kinds of lame excuses, and believe me they are lame. They are types of excuses we women use because the truth is too hard to divulge for fear of hurting a man's feelings or causing him embarrassment. So we take the blame as best we can and come up with stupid unrelated stuff that have nothing to do with anything. Losing weight, hormone changes, hypothyroidism, etc. may cause low libido but if sex feels good, we get into it. I once had a hormone imbalance that my doctor wanted me to start taking birth control pills to correct, but I couldn't take the pill because it affected my kidneys, so I never did anything about the imbalance. But I never told my guy no even though I was never really "in the mood" and sex still felt great. Once we got into it, so did I because the hormone imbalance doesn't numb the girlie parts. If she knew her thyroid were the cause of her sexual problems, she would give you that excuse too.

Not to place the blame entirely on you, another possibility could be her self image. Some women have such a poor image of themselves that it can cause inhibitions and they convince themselves to hate sex. Maybe it's psychosomatic with her and if it is, you cannot solve her problems and don't have to feel any sense of obligation to stay with her.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Vinnydee said:


> I have a very high libido and my wife's got lower and lower as our marriage progressed. However, I have a great wife. She solved the problem by asking her best friend to have sex with me while her friend was staying with us after a nasty divorce. That was my wife's solution to the problem. As she told me later, she had no fear that I would ever leaver her for her girlfriend for various reasons, all of which were true. Long story short, I had sex with her girlfriend and then invited my wife to join in and that was the start of 30 years sharing my wife's girlfriend. With a girl in bed with us, my wife's libido increased if for no other reason than competition. There were times when my wife was not in the mood and asked her girlfriend to take care of me. Sometimes the opposite was true but most nights there was at least one women horny. Not your everyday solution to your problem and mine but one that worked very well for us. We are married for 46 years now and monogamous for the last 8 which is fine for our advanced years and medical issues.


Um okay, so that might not be everyone's solution, but he did remind me that I meant to suggest that leaving your girl is not only something you shouldn't feel afraid or ashamed to do, but it just might arouse a sense of desperation in her. Nobody likes being dumped, and breaking up has the added affect of wanting that person even more. It actually makes the heart grow fonder and increases the sexual desire for the other person for some strange reason. It's a game you may not want to play but might consider trying.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The purpose of dating is to get to know someone in order to determine if they are the right match for you and the person you want to make a home and family with. 

Once you know either way, you have your answer.


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## His_Response (Jun 14, 2018)

Juanuno said:


> Yes she has a thyroid issue.
> I just asked exaclty what it was called , and she says it is hypothyroidism. .. says shes long over due for adjustments.
> 
> I wonder why of all the conversations weve had shes never brought that up as a possiblity.
> ...


Don't get angry! It won't do any good. My wife had no idea that she had a thyroid issue, and when we found out, she still had no idea that it was in any way linked to her lack of desire. It wasn't until her body started balancing out that her libido suddenly re-ignited... and when it did, the change was amazing. For my wife, I think it took about 3 or 4 months from the time she started the thyroid medication until she started feeling a change. In her case she also had a very low testosterone level (zero) that had to be improved, but she had been on testosterone therapy for several years (with little improvement) before we discovered her hypothyroidism. 

Hopefully things might still improve for your gf, too. I certainly wouldn't expect her to know that this could be a factor, though. And everyone is different... my wife's improvement was very fast, by my estimation... your gf's might be slower.


-H.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

My thoughts, since you asked. First, no you should not get engaged or think about marriage. You have too many unresolved issues surrounding sex in your mind and getting married will only make things worse. You wrote that you feel you have to choose between her and sex. People get divorced over such issues so please do not consider marriage at this point.

Second, I'm picking up on a lot of ego and a certain amount of selfishness. It is unfair to compare her lack of enthusiasm for adventurous sex against your previous conquests. It also seems like you have concluded in your own mind that you are “normal” and she isn’t. How sure are you about that? She is not like the others, period. It really is as simple as that. You may have gotten lucky in that all your previous women were willing to submit to your taste of "extras" which has led you to assume that this is "norm" but not all women are like that. Some women feel that the "extras" you have described belittles them, makes them feel cheap, oversteps their values, or perhaps makes them feel insecure about themselves. She is going through a lot of changes losing as much weight as she has and may feel unattractive for some reason, even if you or I would think that irrational.

You are straightforward professing your love for this woman and your desire to marry her so we can safely assume that in your previous adventurous relationships one or the other of you did not have enough feeling of love to consider marriage. It seems to me your choice is pretty simple…love and vanilla sex, or adventurous sex with women you won’t love or won’t love you. It would be great to have both, but you obviously are not going to get both with your current woman right now. So perhaps when it comes to sex you are just incompatible even though everything else is great. There’s nothing unreasonable about ending the relationship because of that, however I think trying to modify your current woman’s sexual interests in terms of your previous relationships is unfair. How she feels about sex and any limits she may have matters as well and is just as important as your own feelings/desires.

Last, you complain that it feels like she is having sex out of duty because you have fallen into a rut of sex on Fridays and Saturdays, but you wrote that this is caused by your "schedules". I'm at a loss to understand how that is her fault. Again, I think you are being unfair to her in your assessment of that situation.

My advice…do not think about marriage right now. Stop assuming your sexual practices are “normal” and accept that she has a different perspective on “normal” sex. Try to compromise on a set of intimate acts that will satisfy both of you adequately, then talk to her about your more adventurous desires outside the bedroom setting and try to get into her mind as to why she is adverse to them. For some women, the kind of adventurous sex you describe requires a LOT of trust with their partner. You stated early on that she had trust issues with you, perhaps those have not all been resolved.


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## Juanuno (Jun 20, 2018)

StarFires said:


> Juanuno said:
> 
> 
> > Next day she approached me about it , stating that she now realizes how much it means to me, and that she would be more receptive.
> ...


Hi thanks for taking the time for responding. 

My thoughts arent based on some unachievable porn star standard that ive created for her 

Ita based on past experience not just with other women but her own reactions before during the "honey moon" period of our relationship. Her behavior, facial expressions, the way she would push herself into my tongue , grab the back of my head ask me to put my fingers in her as she would squeeze and play with her own nipples, the thrusting of her hips, 
That was her , not my ex , not some porno i watched .. as ive said before at the begining she was hesistant but then really enjoyed it to the point where she could orgasm.

I dont just expext a woman to act a certain way becasue i want them to, i learn what is there way of showing that they are enjoying what im doing... 
That changed, not just with oral sex. But sex in general.

For what ever reason she stopped wanting oral, i regret buggging her so long about it.

Maybe i was just lucky with a string of previos ex gf's that were easy to please and grew to love oral, i had no difficulties making them orgasm that way.. ok i was joking about the magical tongue comment.
I undetstamd she is who she is.. and its not for her. 
I hope we understand that this really isnt about her not wanting oral, i only mentioned it to poke fun at my own mistakes in how i handled it.


Its very possible that i no longer am able to please her , or that i never did and it was all an act , maybe everyone of my ex gf faked it..

That fine.. i dont claim to be anything special in bed as you seem to makit sound, and if that is the way i made it seem in my original post
Then i unintentionally misrepresented myself.
I was only stating my experiences with oral and sex in general.
Maybe it was all luck for me , 

In any case weve had multiple conversations, and i wish she would tell me if im going about it all wrong.. ive asked her what i could do or change , add , subtract.. but she insists the problem isnt in the bedroom.

Id be open to anything she suggested and im pretty sure she knows that

She says although shes never in the mood once we are into it she does enjoy it.
She does orgasm , we use a vibrator during intercourse . Works half the time. 

She says all her life she had trouble orgasm in missionary position , that it much easier with her on top. 
I know when her knee is bad she cant, but on days when her knee is good she never suggests getting on top.

I know this post addresses a few things youve stated.. doing this from phone so excuse if there are a million typos. 

Thanks agian for taking the time to respond

I could give a play by play in detail if you want and maybe you could help pinpoint... but id have to do that from my laptip when i get home.
Let me know


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## Juanuno (Jun 20, 2018)

BigToe said:


> My thoughts, since you asked. First, no you should not get engaged or think about marriage. You have too many unresolved issues surrounding sex in your mind and getting married will only make things worse. You wrote that you feel you have to choose between her and sex. People get divorced over such issues so please do not consider marriage at this point.
> 
> Second, I'm picking up on a lot of ego and a certain amount of selfishness. It is unfair to compare her lack of enthusiasm for adventurous sex against your previous conquests. It also seems like you have concluded in your own mind that you are “normal” and she isn’t. How sure are you about that? She is not like the others, period. It really is as simple as that. You may have gotten lucky in that all your previous women were willing to submit to your taste of "extras" which has led you to assume that this is "norm" but not all women are like that. Some women feel that the "extras" you have described belittles them, makes them feel cheap, oversteps their values, or perhaps makes them feel insecure about themselves. She is going through a lot of changes losing as much weight as she has and may feel unattractive for some reason, even if you or I would think that irrational.
> 
> ...


Hi.
Yes i get that normal is different.
She and i have discussed this, and hers has been different than mine.
I see that ive created my normal into each of my previous relationship and i guess i got lucky with women that were open to alot of it.
Thats correct ive had previous situations where the sex was perfect comparability but the relationships other aspects were very poor.

If you mean to say i have an big ego? Then i didnt mean to come off that way.. but i guess i did as youre that second to suggest that.

No, i fear my inadequacy in bed.. i fear no one will want me , few women find me desirable in that way, im the quite guy that stay in the friend zone ..Physically im not what women want, 
Im not a troll.. but i know who i am.

Right either friday or saturday.. due to schedule.
Its in a scheduled appointment type way.
Cant be at 2pm or or 338, 527 , 601.. its at 8/9 

"Im taking a shower" is my sign..


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## Juanuno (Jun 20, 2018)

Thought i'd give this an update.. for anyone who is interested .. and maybe so i can look back on it later on..


We had another discussion.. 
i'd become hesitant to discuss it any further because i wanted it to come from her not my nagging.

but .. i needed to give this more effort .

we discussed the hypothyroid issue.

Says she is actively trying to seek out a new doctor.

i explained that my complaint is not about quantitiy , but about quality.

she explained to me that she felt that i made no effort to set the mood , that she needed more foreplay especailly now that she has gone through some changes. Also that she couldnt remember the last time i complimented her , that i did not make her feel appreciated or as if she was special to me.

i did my best to fight wanting to defend myself, i listened , and decided i would do my best to understand how she felt rather than defend myself.

i asked her when was the last time she initiated, our scheduled times are friday nights and sometimes saturday mornings. so of course she mentioned those times. 
she went on to mention that 6 weeks ago, she got up that morning and took a shower and got in bed naked and that i took no interset , and that it hurt her.
i replied with but thats been hapening to me for hte longest . she says i havent intitiated other than at our scheduled times.
i replied that i got tired of getting turned down.. how many times have i come to her and tried, and i try like a gentlemen not like "come here and give me some " out of no where, kissing and caressing , hugging etc , but have gotten answers like " i just took a shower" .. or " not now after xyz" but then xyz is done and she never comes back .. which i know that women and men are different , .. i asked her when was the last time she responded to my advances at mid day or some random time .
i asked when was the last time that she came to me for it at some other time than our scheduled time.
and that when she does come at our scheduled time i get lines like " come on to bed before i fall asleep"
she had no answers and said she understood that she has some fault in it .. i said i understood as well that i had some faults in it..



i told her i felt that sex was my thing and not ours.
she said she doesnt feel like i treat her like shes special to me.
i said its hard to when i dont feel like our intimate moments are special and i feel like i'm getting "duty" sex.
she says not true that she does enjoy , but that she feels she would enjoy more if i took the time to get her ready ,, not that immediate foreplay , but the one that comes through out the day.
i told her i know she doesnt hate it ,, but it feels like its only for my pleasure ,, i explain to her how she used to react to my touches , or oral sex vs how she does now.. she acknowedged that maybe i had a point but that i changed to .. i explained that because i ve felt like no matter what i do she isnt into it.
she says she isn t satisfied with things either as far as sex goes, that shes not happy with the nose dive that her libido has taken ,, that romance aside she used to get horny but doesnt seem to anymore.
that she's certain some of it has to do with her hormones but not all about that ..

we both agreed we would not continue to ride on the merry go round of trying to figure out who started it , although we both agree that about the time we started trying to get pregnant is when things changed.

we both agreed that we would do our best to no longer behave off of past resentments or behaviours and now that we've heard what we each feel is lacking .
that we would both do our best to fill each others needs so that we can both be happy in bed.
taking it day by day of course, but i feel like some progress was made in this particular conversation, because it didnt turn into a finger pointing battle.
keeping my fingers crossed that we can make each other happier when it comes to intamacy and sex , so that this relationship can continue.

i've learned for myself that i cannot be in a relationship where i feel sex not a mutually enjoyable experience. 
i explained this to her and she says she feels the same. 

we had a very enjoyable , intimate first attempt this morning.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The one thing you never want to repeat is the request for her to fake it. Never. Ever. Do that again. 

Deceit is the opposite of true connection. 

You are clearly staying due to a fear of being alone. If you two were such great friends, she would not constantly complain that she feels unimportant and undervalued. 

That said, I don’t think you two are compatible - physically. And that isn’t fixable. 




Juanuno said:


> Thought i'd give this an update.. for anyone who is interested .. and maybe so i can look back on it later on..
> 
> 
> We had another discussion..
> ...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, at least you didn't defend yourself.:scratchhead: The majority of your post sounds like a cross between a trip to the woodshed and a well mounted defense. Good luck.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You've only been given two options, with no "in-betweens!" You do not say "I do" to this type of woman!

It's either the continued frustration of the status quo, or in renewing yourself by finding someone new who will truly appreciate you for the sexual being that you are! 

The choice is yours!*


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Holdingontoit's two rules for sexual mismatch:

1. Do not get married while there is a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do NOT have kids while there is a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to the kids.

Marriage makes a sexual mismatch worse, not better. Both sides feel more pressure and more "stuck". This causes the HD to want even more sex and the LD to want even less. Whatever the gap was before marriage, it will get wider after.

Adding kids makes the pressure 10x worse because now you are tied together long term even if you get divorced. So you don't want to get divorced. Which makes the pressure even greater. The gap becomes a chasm.

Get. Out. Now. 

Sexual incompatibility is more than enough reason to break up even if everything else is "perfect". Yes, every married couple will have areas of incompatibility. Sex is pretty much the worst one to have because the HD takes a vow not to get their need met elsewhere. If you disagree about eating sushi or playing chess you can find someone else to eat sushi with or play chess with even if you are married. But if you are sexually incompatible, you have vowed not to have sex with anyone else. That is living hell. Trust me, many of us have lived it and you may think you can tolerate it but overwhelmingly likely that you cannot. But you will have wasted years of your life and become even more enmeshed with your partner before you realize that we are correct and you are mistaken. Don't do that to yourself. As other have said, the purpose of dating is to determine whether you are compatible. You are not. End it now.

One last point. I have been on sites like this for over a decade. Have seen thousands of cases of sexual incompatibility. The number of people who stayed with their partner and regretted it is huge and far exceeds the number who stayed and eventually became sexually compatible. The number of people who broke up with their partner and regretted it is ZERO. I have never read a post by someone who broke up with their partner and then came back to a site years later and said "I wish I had stayed with my earlier partner". And I don't think anyone else on this site has ever read that on any site. It NEVER happens that way. You fear you that you will never find another woman to love as much. You can let go of that fear. You won't be the lone exception. Every single HD who breaks up with the LD partner is eventually happy they did. You will be too.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok, so you're going to get the cynical response from me today.

You just got on the "if only..." merry-go-round. "If only you were more attentive..." "If only you took more time to fire me up..."
Etc. ad naseum. 

About the fifth time you punch your merry-go-round ticket, you'll realize that it's just an illusion. A way to extend the ride without really changing the rules. You might not be the most attentive husband. You may not be doing the things she needs to get spontaneously aroused. But I doubt that's the primary issue. Because if it was, she would have come to you and said "our sex life is not adequate and here's what I need from you". 

She didn't do that. She won't ever do that because sex just isn't that important to her. She'll tell you these deflections. You'll work on it up front, and you will improve. She'll work on it up front, and she will improve. Then after a couple of months you'll both look back and realize that you're in exactly the same place having exactly the same conversation. Perhaps the goal posts have moved. Perhaps you really have stopped "upping your game". Doesn't matter - because you two do not view sex the same way and you never will. 

So good luck, and remember - my prediction, for what its' worth (nearly nothing!) is that you just entered the "let's work on our sex life" maze. Except it has no exit.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Just reading your posts about your sex life is exhausting.

I don't think it's supposed to be this difficult. I think your sex life [like anything else], can get better with practice; but that practice should be lots of fun. Not grueling sessions of trying to pry out of someone what they might like, or trying things that don't work while your partner lies there motionless and unresponsive.

It's good that she didn't get pregnant. She doesn't sound healthy enough, she's way too old. And if you were "successful", you'd now be tied to her for the rest of your life.

From what you've shared, I don't think this should turn into a marriage. Unless, like others have said, you are willing to accept that this might be the way you have sex for the rest of your life.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I don't think it's supposed to be this difficult. I think your sex life [like anything else], can get better with practice; but that practice should be lots of fun. Not grueling sessions of trying to pry out of someone what they might like, or trying things that don't work while your partner lies there motionless and unresponsive.


 @notmyrealname4: have you been having sex with my wife?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Oops, double post.


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## Juanuno (Jun 20, 2018)

Thanks to all that have taken the time to read and post.

I do fear what some of you are saying.
I do fear that it will all be a temporary change that will gradually go back to where it was .

To clarify on something, i didnt mean i stay in thr relationship for fear that i wont find another .
Yes, its a fear , but as ive gotten older and have been in several relationship i know that regardless of what i see in the mirror women have still desired to be with me.. im not saying all women ,.. just saying that i know that its not impossble.

Any way, all that being said , i cant help but feel the need to try once more especially now that alot has been put out by both of us.

It has been made clear that this is something that could make or break us.

I beleive she thought it was all mostly about quantity.
I explained to her and we both agreed at this point quality is what is needed..
Although we live together we only really see each other on weekends, last weekend was the first of our renewed attempts at this. And it was really good.

Of course i fear its an act..
Because in our discussion i did go into detail as to how she behaved before during sex vs now.

But for the sake of me giving an honest attempt at what she asked for , i need to do my best of not thinking about that. 

I understand that she and i will never be on the same level in terms of drive.


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## Juanuno (Jun 20, 2018)

I mean she could easily think that my attempts are an "act"..
And to some point i supose we are putting up an act..the question i guess is , is it genuine .

Of course i want to make her feel special ..
Maybe im not attentive enough
Maybe shes very needy
Maybe.. there are a million maybes.. for now i i think ill ignore, atleast for a couple of months while we continue to try, then i can re evealuate


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