# Need advice on nutty mother in law



## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

Ok, A quick recap...

* Wifes mother is a complete nut
* She constantly calls daily starting at 5am.
* Is a total negative in my wifes life
* Makes my wife upset daily, arguements....
* I have written her family off, totaly Jerry Springer episode.
* See them once in a while, am friendly, but they are NOT part of my life due to tis BS drama.

Now, the wife and I are in a rough spell, mainly due to economy, our business loosing 80% of it's volume, and her taking a job to help keep the company afloat. As most couple, money troubles do cause stress and it's just not fun. We are not on the verge of divorce tomorrow though. Stressed, angry, depressed about our lives, but many couples are worse.

So, last night the while I ran over to thier home to pick up our dog she was watching, the mother in law took a stab at me. She knows of our company troubles and money issues. Her comment was.......

" I am so worried about Jane, I mean I know you are trying and all.... but she is my daughter" Her intent was a jab at me for not providing for her daughter better. All the other jabs have had this same underlying theme. Keep in mind, we work hard, but we talked and she is fine with working again (she didnt before)

This isnt the first time she has taken a few stabs at me. Mainly discretely under the breath stuff. I am a quite giant type guy, I dont yell, I dont hold grudges, but when I speak I mean it. And poeple listen.

Now, till last night I have simply ignored this BS, wrote it off. I have bigger issues and am the bigger preson. Last night was the end for me. Appearently, she called my wife and siad she thinks she upset me. When she said this, I really just blew it off, grabbed my the dog and said good bye in my normal manor.

The wife comes home, very upset. The MIL and her got into it on the phone and I guess my wife laid into her mother. She was upset and asked me what her mother said to me. I told her. 

The MIL does leave a message on my phone, I guess to apologize. I just deleted it, whith out listening. Again, I dont have the time in my life for this BS drama.

Now, I need to knwo when is the right time to spell it out for my MIL. I know it's not proper protocall for me to speak to her, shouldbe me to my wife, but this must come to an end, and my wife is just the enabler of this crap.

So, can I speak to the MIL, or again let this continue on?

I told my wife last night, I AM DONE with her mother. I dont wnat her in my house, her her voice, or attend any holiday stuff. I am officially done. This lady will not stop till she has her daughter back under her nail, she has done it to both of my wifes sisters husbands. I think she will meet her match with me though.

PLEASE, thanks for reading and tell me your read and or advices.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Minn,
You handled this well considering. 

I would just ask my W if she thinks her mom is a helpful and constructive force in her life. She may just laugh but ask any way. And then I would say there are books on how to deal with difficult parents and how to avoid situations that are emotionally draining/frustrating to you. 

BTW - the books basically say that you nicely, politely and firmly lay out the "rules of engagement" like 
- Mom - I am not going to talk to you about my H if you are going to be negative about him
- Mom I am not going to talk to you about money if you are going to use that topic to throw darts at my H indirectly
- Mom - I am not going to .....

And then the incredibly powerful pattern of:
Mom: Calls and breaks one of these rules
Wife: Ok Mom - I have to run - talk to you soon - (quickly gets off the phone - ignores apologies about the breach - just ends the call)

She does that 5-10 times in a row and the bad behavior will stop. Especially if she starts letting calls go to voicemail and using a steadily growing "lag" when calling her Mom back. 






Minncouple said:


> Ok, A quick recap...
> 
> * Wifes mother is a complete nut
> * She constantly calls daily starting at 5am.
> ...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Minncouple said:


> Now, I need to knwo when is the right time to spell it out for my MIL. I know it's not proper protocall for me to speak to her, shouldbe me to my wife, but this must come to an end, and my wife is just the enabler of this crap.


I dont think there is a right time to spell it out for her. If you say anything to her its just going to make things worse. The problem is how your wife is handling it and i dont think anything productive will come from you trying to put MIL in her place. she's older then you and has more experience navigating her dysfunction. im sure she'd feed off of you engaging in it. 

you might want to focus more on how to get your wife to stop enabling her. that's what i had to do to handle my MIL. i had to get my H to set some boundaries with her. i just stay out of it because i know it really has nothing to do with me.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

If your wife is on your side, then let your wife deal with her. 

My mother-in-law loves my husband, she loves me too. 

But for a year she was disappointed over us because of religion issues, we didn't have much to say on the phone, so she would send some emails to reason with us. 

This is how my husband dealt with her, if her comments were not nice, my husband would just stop calling her, stop replying her emails. He would only talk to her if she was being nice, after a few times, she got the hint, and she stopped behaving the way she was, she had to behave the way we feel comfortable with, or she would lose us. She doesn't want to lose us, that's mom. Now she is still sweet mom. 

Don't know if your mother-in-law is this smart or not. 

Moms are moms, they worry about their children, moms' nature, just sometimes they forget their position. Nobody's life is smooth, we all have ups and downs in life, some people don't know it, and they bring even more misery on their loved ones by not understanding and supporting!


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

Thanks for the responses. helpful and reasuring.

Issue is, the wife does agree. Her mother is clinically nuts, says she is vaery hard to deal with, speaks of moving away from her as soon as we get solid finanically. BUT, then turns around and enables her mother to continue. I simply dont get it. She (wife) is some how playing both sides of the deal.

If it was me, I would simply do as aboves comments and make my mother understand period. But the wife, she will just stay in the tornado of drama. 

I have told her (wife), that once he dad (whom has alshimers (sp) is put into care, either we move or we send the mother cross country to one of my wifes sisters. The only reason I have tolerated this is due to I want my wife to spend as much time as posible with her dad, prior to him simply progressing to not even knowing her. 

I do agree, the MIL would feed off the confrontation If I speak with her and that would be the next issue. I am not a push over, but I can just be the bigger person and shut her out. Simply not let her in my life. My issue is what she does to my wife. 

Thanks again


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Minncouple said:


> I told my wife last night, I AM DONE with her mother. I dont wnat her in my house, her her voice, or attend any holiday stuff. I am officially done. This lady will not stop till she has her daughter back under her nail, she has done it to both of my wifes sisters husbands. I think she will meet her match with me though.
> 
> PLEASE, thanks for reading and tell me your read and or advices.


Minncouple,

This should be enough. You have no business confronting your wife's mother. I did this once and it was a mistake. I should have cut her off completely at the time instead of thinking that whatever I said might do some good. It took me 7 more years of escalating misery to finally get to the point of severing her completely. And I really didn't need all that.

Today, I have no interaction with my wife's family. They have shown themselves time and again to be an enemy of me and our marriage. I have told my wife that I completely disapprove of her having any contact with her mother or her brother and his wife (her other brother is OK). I refuse to provide any financial or material support for any activity that involves these people and that included gassing up the car. I do send her mom a birthday card from our family.

Now I can't tell my wife what she can and can't do. Every couple months she loads up the kids and takes them to see her mom for a couple hours when the kids are out of school and I'm at work and I guess this is OK. But I let her know in no uncertain times that if she comes back and starts having any disrespectful judgements or outbursts or starts with any of the nasty stuff we have dealt with in the past, that I will consider it to be 100 percent her responsibility for allowing herself to be affected by this woman. The woman is destructive and divisive, their relationship is toxic and my wife has been a life long victim of inter-generational sin which has all been dumped in my lap.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

My mother was the same towards my husband. Once I stood up to her, she backed down. She knew she had two choices. Behave herself and be a part of our lives, or interfere and don't.

One bit of advice I'd like to give though, stand your ground, I know exactly how you feel, but don't encourage your wife to disconnect with her mother altogether unless it's absolutely necessary. There are ways and means from both sides to learn to interact. Your mother in law is interfering. She probably comes from a good place of love for her daughter (or not), but the way she goes about it is wrong. That's why she needs to be told no more, and is aware of the consequences as you won't stand for it. But give her a chance to come around. If it doesn't improve, then follow through.

I only say this (and I do understand how you feel) because on the other side, I haven't seen my father for 13 years although he sees my brother. I know what it's like to lose a parent when they're still alive, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone unless it was the only choice.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Minncouple said:


> BUT, then turns around and enables her mother to continue. I simply dont get it.


Guilt. I enabled my mother for years. She had depression, other issues, instabilility. I won't go into it. But it's guilt. They make you feel like you can't leave them. It's a cycle that can only be broken when you become aware of what's going on, and ready to back off and work through handling the aftermath. For your wife, I can imagine it's not as simple as it is for you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Tell her "With all due respect, step off you fat psycho. You and us, we're done. Don't call don't write don't fb. You never wanted me as a friend and you sure as get all don't want me as an enemy."


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

Wow, this old post got revisted today.

Well its been a while since I posted that.

Update - Things are better. I did what I said and wrote her off. Explained to my wife that I and her mother will not have a relationship, will do dinner, visit, or do holidays. Peroid

It was a tough transition, and I feel for my wife being in the middle, but it is what it is. 

Her family is a train wreck. The drama, BS, head games..... I want no part of it. To the extend if it means losing my wife, so be it.

Things settled in and she stays away. only cross paths every few months. It got better. I agree, it was not right for me to confront her, it was my wifes job. But, my wife is to close to it to understand so I did it.

I would do it again if needed.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Easter coming up will do that. Btw, no one's wife is "in the middle". If you're committed to your marriage, you're with your spouse. Otherwise otherwise


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