# The journey begins: papers filed today



## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Well everyone, papers have been filed today. This poster is accepting this "crisis" of a lifetime to move on to bigger and better things. Good news is that W just may be starting to break from her EA fog - she is deep in withdrawal but has recognized she ran a bulldozer through our lives over the past couple of months. Unfortunately this relationship is too damaged to carry on. W is committed to leaving me and I cannot do anything to change. 

Fortunately I have just read the "No more Mr. Nice Guy" book and have recognized I am a "nice guy". This was the discovery of a lifetime and was responsible for my 50% contribution to the destruction of our marriage. Thank you to everyone's help and input. I'm sure I'll be hanging around to share in lessons I have learned and to continue receiving support for the rest of my journey.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Hey glad to hear you are getting through this. Just remember one day at a time and you still have a rough road ahead of you but it will be better you deserve better as do we all.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

I am signing mine on Tuesday, been wishing and hoping for months this day would never come but there is no stopping it now. Maybe H will wake up one day but I can't plan on that anymore. Spending the evening in bed, trying to take care of myself.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Keep your head up MAL and know it will get better and you can get through this, and he will wake up one day but it will be too late and will have missed out on a good thing.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

Thanks for the support. Hard to believe right now, but every one says it will happen, I will be better, stronger, just wish I could already be there. So much still to do, split up a home of more than 25years, two grown kids who need to be part of this mess he is creating.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Thats what we are here for. It will take alot of time but what they are telling you is correct. Its hard but remember its not the mess that you created and wanted. I dont know your back story but just keep your head up.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> Well everyone, papers have been filed today. This poster is accepting this "crisis" of a lifetime to move on to bigger and better things. Good news is that W just may be starting to break from her EA fog - she is deep in withdrawal but has recognized she ran a bulldozer through our lives over the past couple of months. Unfortunately this relationship is too damaged to carry on. W is committed to leaving me and I cannot do anything to change.
> 
> Fortunately I have just read the "No more Mr. Nice Guy" book and have recognized I am a "nice guy". This was the discovery of a lifetime and was responsible for my 50% contribution to the destruction of our marriage. Thank you to everyone's help and input. I'm sure I'll be hanging around to share in lessons I have learned and to continue receiving support for the rest of my journey.


I always think that it is healthy to look at any crisis as a learning experience. I am happy for you that you have accepted your situation and are using it to learn from it.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

So all along we had been discussing 50/50 custody. So tonight STBXW throws out that every other weekend and me spending the afternoons with the kids would provide more stability. WTF? Seriously? Argh!


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> So all along we had been discussing 50/50 custody. So tonight STBXW throws out that every other weekend and me spending the afternoons with the kids would provide more stability. WTF? Seriously? Argh!


If you have a lawyer, I'd let them handle this stuff, and if you don't have a lawyer, you should probably get one.

Stick to 50/50, don't get nasty about it, just be firm.

A simple, "Having both of their parents in their lives is more important than anything else" will do.

I should mention the possibility that she is doing this because you are divorcing her. Sure she knows she made this happen, but she probably hasn't fully owned it, and she's probably mad that you are taking the initiative.

I suppose you are "done" and ready to divorce, but if she fell on her sword and took responsibility entirely and agreed to try to put the pieces back together would you do it? Would you try?

Something to think about.

A lot of times... the BS waits too long to let go, and when they finally do it is because there is no hope for the marriage anymore at all, not even a little bit.

Where are you really?


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> If you have a lawyer, I'd let them handle this stuff, and if you don't have a lawyer, you should probably get one.
> 
> Stick to 50/50, don't get nasty about it, just be firm.
> 
> ...


Good question - if she did this, I would maybe try. I'm now in a defensive place where I'm not sure if I could trust her. This is where I believe that OM and the EA has put a very high emotional wall between us. Even if OM is out of the picture, I don't trust how successful NC would be because I know she still has strong feelings for him - I simply do not trust her right now. I think our relationship has been destroyed too much. 

I also need to fix my own self and soul and don't think I can do it with her around. My heart is not closed to her, but I need to do what is best for me and the kids based on where STBX is in her life right now.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> Good question - if she did this, I would maybe try. I'm now in a defensive place where I'm not sure if I could trust her. This is where I believe that OM and the EA has put a very high emotional wall between us. Even if OM is out of the picture, I don't trust how successful NC would be because I know she still has strong feelings for him - I simply do not trust her right now. I think our relationship has been destroyed too much.
> 
> I also need to fix my own self and soul and don't think I can do it with her around. My heart is not closed to her, but I need to do what is best for me and the kids based on where STBX is in her life right now.


Just checking. Obviously, there's no marriage if she is chasing another man, so taking care of yourself and planning a life without her is the right thing to do.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> Just checking. Obviously, there's no marriage if she is chasing another man, so taking care of yourself and planning a life without her is the right thing to do.


Yes....while hard I had to accept there was no chance while OM was on her mind or part of the picture in any way. Though I have some minor setbacks I am resigned to life without her. Yesterday was kid of sad because we all went to a local event together. I wanted to take the kids on my own but my daughter wanted "mommy to go". We put all things aside all went together. For a moment, things seemed somewhat normal and we got a long just fine. But I took it for what it was - I could imagine the things going through my wife's mind.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> Yes....while hard I had to accept there was no chance while OM was on her mind or part of the picture in any way. Though I have some minor setbacks I am resigned to life without her. Yesterday was kid of sad because we all went to a local event together. I wanted to take the kids on my own but my daughter wanted "mommy to go". We put all things aside all went together. For a moment, things seemed somewhat normal and we got a long just fine. But I took it for what it was - I could imagine the things going through my wife's mind.


I don't know if you're doing your kids a favor by providing false hope and a sense of false normalcy right now.

You might want to read some divorced parenting books


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> I don't know if you're doing your kids a favor by providing false hope and a sense of false normalcy right now.
> 
> You might want to read some divorced parenting books


In hindsight it was not the best move, but my daughter wanted her to go. And I definitely need to read up on divorced parenting. My head is just clearing from all the EA drama and need to educate my self on my new life.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Well STBXW will be served today. We told our daughter last night and then all went to her new apartment to look at it. Definitely challenging emotionally, but I'll feel surprisingly at peace with how things are going. Acceptance is starting to set in and even if I have thoughts of the EA, it does not bother me too much. I think it has helped that I took control of the situation, filed for D and have really begun to let. I realized I have no control over what my wife will do, her EA, or her future. All I can control is myself and what I do for the kids. I have started sleeping well again and I have been getting through each day okay. I know I am still on a roller coaster and will have setbacks, but I know I will be okay in the end.

STBXW on the other hand is having some challenges. The puts on the act that she is happy and contect with what she is doing, but reality is starting to set in for her. She is stressed with all she has to do to start her "new life". She still has little support from family and has started using me as an emotional plan B again. I'm not pushing back on that right now since she moves out tomorrow. If she moves out tomorrow, I may need to redefine my boundary on the subject. 

We'll see how things go.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

DSSM - Its almost liberating when a decision has been made. Getting out of the limbo or false hope stage is the next step in the healing process and will allow you to work on the new version of your future unencumbered with the baggage holding you back. Once my divorce was filed I was truly able to gain clarity in what I wanted and it accelerated my healing process where I am more positive about my future than my past.

Hang in there as you both work through this. My STBXW also had the reality hit home when I disengaged and it shocked her and I am sure she is wondering what she has done. Either way, I know I am better without her and much happier than I have been in a long, long time!


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

STBXW moves out today. A funny thing is that I'm not too worked up about it. This morning I told her that last week I have suddenly been able to sleep again. Her response was "its probably because you don't care anymore". Wow...I think she is right! I feel like I have moved through a pretty big step - I may have successfully detached. Realistically I know there will be setbacks, but overall I'm recovering well. A few weeks ago it was hard for me to let go, but it may actually be working. Sure I'm sad about how STBXW feels and its sad that our marriage is ending, but hey, life goes on. I'll be okay without her. I don't need her as a partner to be happy. 

STBXW on the other hand is stressed. I can tell she has been dropping little hints about how stressful her life is and all the things she has to do, but hey - this is what she wanted. This is what she chose, so I don't fell sorry for her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference


Wise words! Yes....I feel indifferent about her. I have mostly stopped thinking about the EA and when I do, the feelings go away pretty quickly and are not as intense. Even with our marriage problems I have realized that I cannot control how she feels - so I'm just focusing on what I can: myself and the kids. Honestly I don't think we could have ever recovered from the EA. It would have always been an elephant in the room. So this may all be for the best.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> Wise words! Yes....I feel indifferent about her. I have mostly stopped thinking about the EA and when I do, the feelings go away pretty quickly and are not as intense. Even with our marriage problems I have realized that I cannot control how she feels - so I'm just focusing on what I can: myself and the kids. Honestly I don't think we could have ever recovered from the EA. It would have always been an elephant in the room. So this may all be for the best.


People do recover. Not many do, but sometimes they do recover and go on to have much better marriages.

Getting past the EA, earning trust, forgiveness... that's the easy part.

The hard part is dealing with all of the issues that put the marriage at risk in the first place, and that's if you really have two people who really, really want to get past it, learn from it, and move beyond it.

It's not easy, but oddly... if there is true remorse and transparency, reconciling can start off just like dating somebody new (you both having grown).

Sooner or later, however, any problems you had in the marriage beyond the EA present themselves.

Things like ineffective communication, poor boundaries, lack of compromise by one or both partners, selfish self-entitlement, and so on just don't go away.


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