# still can't let it go after 26 years



## Unhappyandbitter (Dec 11, 2012)

my husband and i have been married for 27 years and have three children one is a young adult and the other two are 10 and 12. we are in our late 40's.

well it goes a bit like this only a few weeks after our first annivsary my husband started an affair with a co worker it was going on for maybe five months before i questioned him, i had a gut feeling that something was not rite, in which he did own up about it.

although i had an idea, it devestated me i was completly numb as everyone that has been cheated on after reading many of your own experiances. 

after this he moved out left me and moved in with her, he lived with her for maybe two months and a close friend of mine (female) moved in with me to keep an eye on me, my brother in law asked her to keep an eye on me. 

the trust is gone and i don't know how to get it back we have not slept in the same bed for over a year now, he up and left and went to live at his mothers house and was there for about 7 months but he wanted to come home all that time i didn't want him home, i felt such a freedom for those months. but evenutally he came home and i could not bring myself to sleep with him. i just feel so rejected by him i have wanted to leave so many times over the years and i didn't i stayed i married him for better or worse. i made that promise to him to me and to God. i am finding it so hard to break that. 

so after this time he decided or family might have told him to go home to his parents which was another state away, once there he arrange for me to come to his parents and try to make our marriage work reconcilation so to speak. so i did thinking ok i can do this omg he wants me he picked me over her. i was 22 and he too. we married at 21 years of age.

although we have stayed together all these years it has not been easy i have not been the best of mums i have had so much bitterness and restentment, and so much hatred toward my husband when we agrue i have not been the easiest to live with my eldest has always though i have hated and resent her which i haven't i love her with all my being and my other two as well, there has been good times to and love i think it has been a love hate marriage on my side and i also think on his side as well.

now after all these years my eyes have been opened up and i have woken up to myself and been true to myself and seen our marriage for what it has been the hurt and rift that i have caused between my eldest and myself (which just now we are on the road to mending our mother daughter relationship) and between my husband and i myself by becoming this person that i hate.

now i do not want to be here in this marriage i want out i want to live on my own with my two children i just want to feel happy again, we have done the counciling thing which is what brought all my feelings to the serfurce in the first place. we never talked about the affair all those years ago he would shut me down all the time and now i ask him things and he is shutting me down again, it is not only the affair it is a lot of other things over the years.

i think it came to a head when a few years ago he was haveing difficulty coping he had been told by the doctor he was suffering from depression, which was a few years before but all of a sudden he couldn't cope at work and at home he had a break down and that is when i sort of lost it in my head it was like now i have to deal with this to so i became distant and withdrawn and my wall started to build. 

he told me i don't give him love and support which i feel i have over the years i have been there for him all the time the one time i did need his support i never got it we brought a buisness that i ran and he didn't not help me with it, when i needed him the most he wasn't there for me. 

he jsut want's me to forget the past and get on with the future and forgive him he feels i have never forgiven him, maybe i haven't but i have tried all these years the best i knew i thought i was ok but i wasn't. 

now i have come to the crossroads do i leave a marriage of 27 years and think of my own needs when he dose need me or do i stay and keep hiding the hate i have and bitterness.

i must tell you i do love him and have never stopped he has stayed faithful all these years it just is that one time, it is just the flirting he does with other female friends not all just some he seems to have fun with everyone else but me. 

i have not slept with him for over a year now he moved out and into his mothers house in 2011 for about 7 months, he wanted to come all that time but i didn't want him home i felt such a freedom, it felt like for the first time i could breath when he did come home i still could not sleep with him, i married him for better or worse i made that promise to him and to my self and God this is so dam hard to let go


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Even though it have been a long time ago you and your WH never learnt how to heal from the affair.

A must do today: order these two books by Dr Harley, Surviving An Affair and His Needs Her Needs.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

26 years?? 

WOW. It's time to let this go.No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Many people get less than 26 years for murder. 

Also, consider this. Neither of you are the same people you were 26 years ago. Just try to remember that the man that cheated on you was essentially someone else entirely.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

And this is why I don't believe in reconciliations after a physical betrayal.



Theseus said:


> 26 years??
> 
> WOW. It's time to let this go.No ifs, ands, or buts about it.


Come on ... there is no "letting it go".


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Very sad and very sorry for how your life and marriage turned out. But as they say every cloud....

Your tale has value as a warning. Posters often implore betrayed spouses not to jump blindly and rapidly into R merely because of the thought that "you won and were picked over the affair partner".

It's often a receipe for long term disaster. No one wins. Not you, not the broken cheater, and certainly not the children. Staying because of the children is iffy at best.

You still have the rest of your life, it's not over by a long shot. There can be better days ahead. Certainly better than the days of old. Think it through.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> And this is why I don't believe in reconciliations after a physical betrayal.
> Come on ... there is not "letting it go".


False.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It's a shame you guy rugswept this but what's done is done. 
Get your divorce if that's what you need.
No mattter how I wish you continued healing.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I posted this on another thread recently but it applies here equally so I'm reposting it with some minor changes. 

You have triggered and that's ligit. He was unfair and unfaithful to you 27 years ago. You don't feel for him now like you once did and thats ligit. Your reopening of the wounds is not. It shows that you have not forgiven him. It is really a sign of your resentment of his treatment towards you.

Twenty seven years ago I was engaged to the love of my life but we were accepted to graduate schools in separate states so we couldn't be together. Our long distance relationship resulted in her befriending someone with whom she cheated on me. She could not bring herself to let me go. We last saw each other with the understanding that we would do whatever it took to be together. It was all lies. For years and years I hated her. My resentment did nothing but cause problems for other relationships and my marriage now. I never forgave her until recently upon reading Unbroken ( a WwII POw epic survival story). After reading it I realized my resentment and hatred had no effect upon her but hurt only me. With this knowledge I finally let go. Now I feel sorry for her as a person. Hate is a poison you take that hurts you and does nothing to the person you hate.

You are focusing on the past and that shows you have not forgiven. If you need to leave him then leave. But let it be for what he is or isn't now, not what he was or wasn't 27 years ago. Be up front with him. If you made a mistake 27 years ago fine. Acknowledge you made a mistake and let him know you are done. But because you chose to continue for 27 years now makes it your issue not his. Don't use his actions as an excuse for your inaction. Be honest with him as yu wish he would have been for you. Be better than he was.

I understand the hurt and frustration but you accepted it and you need to live with him as he is today not then.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Acabado said:


> False.


A matter of opinion


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm the living proof. Not matter of opinion. 
I know not everyone is capable of letting go wich it's perfectly fine.
I am. That's all i said.


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## Unhappyandbitter (Dec 11, 2012)

it is the hardest thing to do and let go after making the promise i have in marriage we all go into marriage with that promise to love and be with that one person for the rest of our days well i know i did. 
trust is such a big thing and when it has been destroyed it is so hard to give freely you want to so much you try everyday and you have good days doing that but then something will make you re think it. when that person flirts with other woman and seems to have fun with everyone but you you start to think there must be something so very wrong with you. 
you try to keep the hurt hiden and then before you know it it turns to bitterness and you become nasty and angry for the better part of your life.
i have thought about posting here for months reading so many peoples life stories and now after posting this and read your replys i thank you for i still don't know weather it is a good thing to leave or stay if i have not been able to give of myself and be happy with the man that did me wrong so long ago then maybe it is time to call it a day.
my biggest problem is i do love him but i question that love how can i love someone and hate them aswell.
he is as bitter as i am carries alot of guilt and has an anger issue that he thinks he has under control not that he has been physical abusive over the years but he has been verbally with the anger that he has.
i just don't know how to let go of this i have been living it for so long i don't know anything else, so i thought by moving out and getting my own place would start a healing processes and i thought that might bring us together stronger but i know he wont wait for me, cause if i leave he would be so hurt. he has told me he does not understand how i need to move out to heal why can't i do that here with him.


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## Lurking No More (Oct 20, 2012)

wow just wow, That 's a lot of pain and misery to hold onto for so many years. I wish the the best of luck on your decisions. Ultimately your happiness in the future should b e your main concern .Stop worrying about his pain, you have suffered for too long. this thread has almost left me speechless.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By UnhappyandBitter
> now i have come to the crossroads do i leave a marriage of 27 years and think of my own needs when he dose need me or do i stay and keep hiding the hate i have and bitterness.



To answer your question directly I would say that you need to stay completely away from your husband with no contact except when absolutely necessary.

*Find someone that has overcome hatred and bitterness and follow their lead as to how you can get a lot better.* Separating from your husband will not solve all your hatred and bitterness. There is a way to get a lot better; millions have done it


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Time and space....chances are every time you see your husband, you are reminded of what he did - and it may be irreparable - i know with my ex - everytime she ould laugh with that crappy grin it would trigger me with how she thought she had one up on me when she was fooling around on me. Whenever, she would be nice to me, I thought she was feeling guilty for something...truth is I never and probably could never trust her again. trust is so delicate but so vital...it is like that special ingredient in the recipe of love, without it, the dish of love never turns out the way it should...


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm usually one of the first people to recommend divorce when I read about a dysfunctional relationship. However, in this case I think something else is warranted. After 27 years, I think you need to work on your ability to forgive. That is a lifetime together. If he has been faithful to you for all the last 25-26 years, then I think you owe it to him to forgive.

You say he claims you haven't "given him love" and you deny that. Yet in the same breath you've been denying him sex and admit to harboring resentment towards him. This strikes me as contradictory.

If his "talking/flirting" with other women triggers you, then you need to explain to him that this is what brings up the past for you. But I still think you need to forgive already.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Unhappyandbitter said:


> i just don't know how to let go of this i have been living it for so long i don't know anything else, so i thought by moving out and getting my own place would start a healing processes and i thought that might bring us together stronger but i know he wont wait for me, cause if i leave he would be so hurt. he has told me he does not understand how i need to move out to heal why can't i do that here with him.


Yes you know exactly what to do. Stop having a pity party and get those books that you were told to get ASAP.


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