# How would you approach this??



## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

After nine months of separation and one short-lived affair (his), my husband and I are going to attempt to reconcile. I am not sure at all if we should, can, or will stay married, but we both want to give it a try. He is still in an apartment.

My question is, how do I tactfully approach the subject of him getting tested for STDs? The OW was 20 years younger than him, and a bartender at a somewhat upscale bar. I have no doubt she's had many partners. My 54 y/o H is not a serial cheater; in 21 years of marriage (together 23), this is the only infidelity on either of our parts. I totally see how this happened and can discuss it in a pretty matter-of-fact way (not the case at first - I was a crazy woman!)

He is a deniaholic, and will not want to get tested (I can just hear it now.."I'm just fine", "She said she was clean", etc.) This is non-negotiable for me. I will not jeopardize my sexual health because he chose to do this. I am thinking of waiting until we have had a "date" or two, but I know things could get physical quickly. We have not been intimate in over a year.

Any suggestions on how to do this in a firm, but caring and calm manner?


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

"You F'ed up. I'm willing to try and forgive you. But there are a few things you need to do. They are non-negotiable. You either agree to them or go back to your apartment".

Get it all out of the way at one time. You need his phone and computer passwords as well and a free hand at checking both.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I am about 7 months behind you. I hope I get to the point you are at. Just knowing you are where you are gives me hope. I expect you have been doing your reading on separation. You need to understand how reconciliation works and how it doesn't. I don't think your going to survive if he just moves back in (after testing negative). Have you read "Getting Back Together"? Have a plan, Stick too it. Please let me know how you got to this point. I want ot hear a success story.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think you have to be absolutely honest and straightforward and don't take "no" for an answer. Don't agree to have sex with him until he proves he's clean.

Its not a punishment - its just you taking care of yourself and him doing what needs to be done.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think how you said it in your post was perfect "hey, I'm not willing to put my health at rish. I know you think she was clean, so go get tested for my peace of mind and then we will talk." I know it sounds matter of factish, but it is!

I know you don't want to start a fight about it, so don't let it turn into one. If he gets angry, calmly tell him that it isn't negotiable. If he wants to work it out, he needs the tests. Easy as pie. If you start feeling like its turning out badly, excuse yourself, tell him you love him and you hope he will do the testing for you.


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## thetruth (May 15, 2010)

cody5 said:


> Get it all out of the way at one time. You need his phone and computer passwords as well and a free hand at checking both.


wtf??? Yeah that kind of obnoxious big brother approach is going to go over realllll well. Just because you've had a split doesn't mean you forfeit all rights to your personal privacy, get a grip!

as far as the STDs thing goes you should phrase it just like you said it though maybe soften it a wee bit...acknowledge that he's probably right and its nothing to worry about but that you never can be 100% certain and its something you absolutely need for your peace of mind


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Actually, you do forfeit that privacy until you earn trust again.

If not willing? Not worth returning to him.

And just be straightforward with him about getting tested.

Every county in america has low cost of free STD testing.

If he loves you he will agree. If he doesn't? Then you know.

Too bad if it makes him uncomfortable.

YOU are worth this small thing. It could save your life and his if he has something.

If not? You have a baseline too of being disease free.

Actually, I think you ought to get tested too--but make sure he is tested first or he'll try out get out of it.


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## thetruth (May 15, 2010)

michzz said:


> Actually, you do forfeit that privacy until you earn trust again.


nonsense, earning trust back is one thing but setting up a situation where you snoop on everything in his life accomplishes nothing. I happen to be an extremely private person who cherishes his independence and privacy but that has nothing to do with fidelity or trust and frankly if you pulled that kind of nonsense on me regardless of the circumstances I'd tell you to go **** yourself and that would be the end of it


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

Man, I predicted this one perfectly. H and I were moving very steadily towards reconciliation the past few weeks. I knew things were going to get intimate soon. Had a great time together this afternoon. His apartment pool and then his place. Pretty much resolved/compromised/thoroughly discussed everything over the past two weeks. Then I delicately dropped the STD topic. Non-negotiable for me, but MAJOR push-back from him. He won't go to the doctor for anything. (He had a pre-cancerous polyp removed from his colon five years ago, and was supposed to have a repeat colonoscopy long before now.) After saying he wouldn't do it (I was not surprised at all), he used the bathroom, came back into the room and said we were making this too complicated. He should just move back and this will all figure itself out.

I cannot let him come home until this happens. I will loose all leverage. I think it is a shame to let a blood and urine test stop you from reconciling a 21 year marriage. My three reasons for needing this done (I only shared #1 with him):

1. It is jeoparding MY sexual and overall health. If he doen't want to take care of himself, well I have no control over that, but this impacts me.
2. It would show me that he is taking me into consideration.
3. Should I get even a minor STD diagnosed next year at my annual gyno appt., it will open old wounds AND make me wonder what he may be up to.

I am not worried about repeat cheating. I am no expert, but I don't think it is an invasive exam if you don't have an "issue." I have compromised on some issues with him, but think this is a no brainer. I am going to stop initiating contact for now. There is no point in getting any closer until this is resolved. He needs to realize that I (and family life with his two kids) am worth 15 minutes of inconvenience. 

Thoughts? Seriously, he can move back once this happens....


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Stick to your guns on this one. Herpes is forever.


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

Heck, I used to sell the HPV vaccine for a drug company and I know that HPV and herpes cannot even be tested for/diagnosed unless there are symptoms (lesions/warts.) I wish all waywards would think through the consequences of their actions. This really stinks!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think the both of you should get tested for STDs before he returns.

So there will be no doubts.


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

His #1 complaint in our marriage is how I tend to hold on to resentments a long (very, very long) time. It is true. Not getting tested and being back in our home would be a HUGE resentment for me. Plus, who could enjoy sex with that on their mind? Not me....


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Hold your ground. Even make him an appointment if you have to.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Neverwouldhaveguessed- I am fast approaching my 9 months of separatiopn too. We are beginning to talk reconciliation, but H is being too vague with me. He does not want to move home but is wanting to "rebuild our relationship " he is wanting to spend a lot of time together as a family( with our 2 kids) and one on one with me. I find this manipulative- him wanting all the freedom of being single and getting to pick and choose when he is a father and husband.( and being able to walk away when he wants). I really don't know how to proceed at this point- it took a long time to get to this place, I just am afraid he is wanting to have it both ways . Any advice on how you have been approaching reconciliation?


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

After spending a good deal of time with my H lately, I calmed told him last Sunday why the STD testing needed to be done for me to continue to spend time with him. We both have wanted to have sex at times, but I simply won't consider it until this happens. I even called the Health Dept. to get info because I knew he wouldn't want to call the dr. office. Simple blood/urine test if no symptoms. I told him I had the phone number to call, if he was interested. I said it was his choice and he could think about it. He just called asking for the phone number. I hope he follows through. I told him I needed to see the paper copy of the results when he picked them up. I explained I was not trying to be controlling, just needed to see it for proof.


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