# My kids friends are loaded



## redloft

My 9 year old son seems to meet friends who are in much better financial shape than we are to put it lightly. He is an only child and I want him to socialize with other kids but all these kids are spoiled rotten. It seems my wife and I are always defending ourselves because he thinks we are poor (we both work and have decent careers). We own a modest cape while all his friends have half a million dollar mansions. When I grew up all my neighborhood friends were the same so we didn't have these problems. This has become the part of parenthood I dread the most. Advice?


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## Anonymous07

I think it's a great opportunity to teach your son the value of a dollar. 

His friends may "have it all" for now, but as they get older it will only hurt them in the long run. 

In the latter part of elementary school and jr high school, I went to a private religious school. Most of the people there were filthy rich, while my family worked hard for the money we have. I knew a couple girls who already had a brand new car waiting for them when they were 14(still 2 years away from being able to even drive it!). Yea, I was a little upset at the time that I didn't have the fun gadgets given to me and had to work for what I wanted, but it was a very good learning lesson. I learned how to have a good work ethic, how to save money, how to budget, and just how to be financially responsible in general. Looking at them now, they still don't know how to be financially responsible as adults. The one girl who had the car waiting for her, totaled it within a month of getting her license. Today she has zero money saved in the bank and is barely making ends meet. She is always looking to her parents or others to "save her". 

I know that example is not always the way things happen, but it is fairly commonplace. Your son may not be happy about it all now, but he will be later on in life.


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## clipclop2

marry him off early to a girl who has a really awesome dowry .

well my experience having grown up on the less affluent side and having children with friends who run the spectrum, my kids have been well taken care of but not to the point of spoiling. they are aware enough of how much things cost and we have discussed what we can afford and what we cant. they know they are very loved and seem to have handled not being able to have everything very well. 

they also don't like spoiled brats.

so for the most part I think they have felt loved and secure despite their father and I divorcing. I've pushed values on them from a very early age so nothing that I have had to say to them later when we were around more affluent people was new.

My youngest daughter did go through a period where she felt she wanted to acquire things and I had to tell her know a lot but she has grown out of it. it wasn't always easy especially because she has really good taste and an eye for value but you gotta do what you gotta do. 

she still likes new things but she manages her money well.

elder daughter surprised me by turning into a pretty good money manager.

But ultimately their character was such that being around people who have a lot of stuff hasn't made our home life miserable. 

something that I find helpful though is spending time together and having experiences. when you go on vacation go someplace that they remember and that they learn something from as well as have fun. and for things to do around the neighborhood or closer by also make them very impactful. 

sadly there are a number of affluent kids who don't get a lot of time with their parents and really enjoy hanging out and talking and going with us on those kind of experiences . 

unfortunately you know there's a. In a lot of kids lives where they want things and they want to be the same as all of the people around them and it makes it very difficult.

Mostly they don't want to be different. I know it was rough on me and my parents when I was growing up and everyone was getting really expensive sneakers and designer jeans.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround

redloft said:


> My 9 year old son seems to meet friends who are in much better financial shape than we are to put it lightly. *He is an only child and I want him to socialize with other kids but all these kids are spoiled rotten.* It seems my wife and I are always defending ourselves because he thinks we are poor (we both work and have decent careers). We own a modest cape while all his friends have half a million dollar mansions. When I grew up all my neighborhood friends were the same so we didn't have these problems. This has become the part of parenthood I dread the most. Advice?


Do you really know these families that well to make that kind of value judgement against them?

I remember once on the Cosby show, Dr. Huxtable pointed out to his daughter that he and Mrs. Huxtable are rich, she is not.

and coming from a household where my father made the above average wage, that resonates with me. sure I had a roof over my head and meals everyday, but if I wanted to do anything I would have to ask the paymasters, my parents.

So poorer classmates could bypass their parents and apply for needs based grants and scholarships for summer programs, I could not. We were dragged out to the suburbs where you needed a car to get anywhere. My parents chose not to buy me one. so I couldn't work to get extra money but my parents could sure complain about how much money they were spending on me.

So people could see my parents, the cars they drove and we were the first black family out to the white suburbs people concluded that we were rich. And yet I was poorer than any other student because I had to apply, do a song and a dance and wait for approval of funding for anything just like any kid from a poor family. And at least the kid from the poor family has a third party telling him / her how wonderful they are. My parents might pay for something and still call me stupid. and remind me of it years later.

Some of my classmates at the private high school I went to got scholarships from the ABC Charity (A Better Chance which I read that Oprah Winfrey supports). I wonder if any of that charity's administrators are breathing down the necks of their recipients asking what did the charity get for the money it spent on that child's education. 

so think twice when you make disparing remarks about kids you see in families whose households make more money than yours. It may not be as rosy as you think it is.

And that reverse snobbery is very unattractive.


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## redloft

NextTimeAround said:


> Do you really know these families that well to make that kind of value judgement against them?
> 
> I remember once on the Cosby show, Dr. Huxtable pointed out to his daughter that he and Mrs. Huxtable are rich, she is not.
> 
> and coming from a household where my father made the above average wage, that resonates with me. sure I had a roof over my head and meals everyday, but if I wanted to do anything I would have to ask the paymasters, my parents.
> 
> So poorer classmates could bypass their parents and apply for needs based grants and scholarships for summer programs, I could not. We were dragged out to the suburbs where you needed a car to get anywhere. My parents chose not to buy me one. so I couldn't work to get extra money but my parents could sure complain about how much money they were spending on me.
> 
> So people could see my parents, the cars they drove and we were the first black family out to the white suburbs people concluded that we were rich. And yet I was poorer than any other student because I had to apply, do a song and a dance and wait for approval of funding for anything just like any kid from a poor family. And at least the kid from the poor family has a third party telling him / her how wonderful they are. My parents might pay for something and still call me stupid. and remind me of it years later.
> 
> Some of my classmates at the private high school I went to got scholarships from the ABC Charity (A Better Chance which I read that Oprah Winfrey supports). I wonder if any of that charity's administrators are breathing down the necks of their recipients asking what did the charity get for the money it spent on that child's education.
> 
> so think twice when you make disparing remarks about kids you see in families whose households make more money than yours. It may not be as rosy as you think it is.
> 
> And that reverse snobbery is very unattractive.


I forgot to mention, all these kids have I phones. They are 9 years old. Yea, I'm pretty confident they are well taken care of.


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## NextTimeAround

redloft said:


> I forgot to mention, all these kids have I phones. They are 9 years old. Yea, I'm pretty confident they are well taken care of.



Is that the only item that distinguishes them from your child?

I don't know what choice of cellphones there in the US, but I do look upon a cellphone these days as a safety item. Your child won't neet to carry around exact change and going searching around, sometimes in less safe places for a payphone that works. 

I remember my parents would always that they don't want me to stay out late because they worried about my safety (whenever I could find someone to give me a ride). But when it was up to them to pick me up, apparently anywhere that I was waiting for them was safe enough to keep me waiting.


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## Miss Taken

I think there's no reason to worry too much about this. I am not one to try to keep up with the Joneses. There will always be people who are worse off than you and ones that are better than you.

Kids hardly have an understanding about money at that age. I still remember being a little kid and asking my mom for money, having seen her wallet full of bills and being told she was broke. I'd think she was lying! What I did not get is that the money in her wallet was soon to change hands and go to bills, groceries and keeping the roof over our heads. 

I would take this as an opportunity to teach your child about money management. Get a high interest savings account for your child. Let them earn some money around the house or in family and friends homes doing chores. Let them keep some of the money for themselves to do what they wish to do with. Put another portion in a high-interest savings account. Maybe another amount in a temporary savings account where they can save up for whatever big purchase their little heart desires. 

Save for Christmas and his Birthday when we do tend to spoil the kids a little bit; throughout the year, one thing we do with our son is to make him save up half the money for bigger ticket items or outings (go karting/paintball stuff). Then we pay the other half. I think he appreciates the things he's had to work and save for much more than that we have gifted to him... as evidenced by the care he gives to those things. 

Another thing you can do for your child to get rid of the envy is show them people who are worse off than you. Volunteer one night at a soup kitchen. In my area, there are not only homeless people but families with children - some of which work but barely make ends meet that depend on these kinds of kitchens a few times a week for dinner. Seeing children her/his age whose parents are struggling just to get a square meal into their bellies will put a lot of perspective between that and not being able to have an iPhone at this age.

If volunteering is a no go, consider documentaries. There are plenty of them on YouTube for free, whether about tribes (not the point of the docs but do depict kids that have less and are actually happy), or poverty in Africa, orphanages in China or the Ukraine... there are lots of examples on there that you can show your child that will give them much perspective of how much they actually do have. 

Regardless of money, I would not/will not be getting a smartphone for my son of any kind until he is at least 13 or stays home alone and needs a phone to call me or dad in case of emergency once he's a latch-key kid. He knows that - same with Facebook. And though not wealthy, some of his ten and eleven year old friends from his last school have both iPhones and Facebook but I remind him that we are not them. Me and dad parent differently and if he thinks I'm lame, I'm not here to tell him differently because as his mom I have bigger fish to fry. 

So you can make the phone issue not solely about money but also your standards. If kids aren't ever unsupervised, they don't really need a cellphone in my opinion.

I think your child will just have to learn about this eventually. It's okay. I also learned some about this on my own as a teenager. One of my best-friends at the time was very wealthy. Her dad was a higher-up with CN Rail. She lived in a huge house, her parents had fancy cars. She was one of the first to get a cell phone, always had brand-name labels etc. Still, she was so unhappy. She attempted suicide and was hospitalized at least three times before she turned seventeen. There will be some examples similar to this for your child as well. It's been said that money doesn't buy happiness... although we all joke that we'd like to find out for ourselves.  There is truth in it.


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## clipclop2

My eldest got a phone for 5th grade because she went to school pretty far from home. Youngest not until she was 12, for her birthday. Most kids beg for phones but there has to be a need. Youngest is in theater and is out a lot and it became helpful. If she had been a ball player she might have gotten one sooner. 

But since most kids have phones and all the adults do it is easy to justify not giving them one.

And then if you get them one and it isn't full of bells and whistles because you just want themto make calls but not live on the device you have to put up with that argument. Then there is the extra $60-100/ month ongoing expense.

If he could pay for it by working, would he?


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## DTO

NextTimeAround said:


> Do you really know these families that well to make that kind of value judgement against them?...
> 
> so think twice when you make disparing remarks about kids you see in families whose households make more money than yours. It may not be as rosy as you think it is.
> 
> And that reverse snobbery is very unattractive.


I would agree.

I was not very well off - single parent family, blue-collar income, etc. And I had classmates who were well off - nice homes in the nicer neighborhoods, clothes, didn't have to work in H.S., etc. Those kids weren't spoiled at all many times (IMO having nice stuff does not automatically mean spoiled). They applied themselves to their schoolwork, did extra-curricular stuff to round themselves out, and in general seemed like the product of hard-working parents who instilled a similar work ethic.


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## Ikaika

My youngest son goes to private school and on average the typical kid in his class comes from a very wealthy family. We on the other hand live on a tight budget to send him there. My son knows how much we sacrifice, understands it is not financially easy and as such he appreciates it. 

It really does not bother us and use it as another teachable moment in life, especially delayed gratification. We also realize our sacrifice is providing our son with the best opportunity to excel to the same level as these families someday.


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## Holland

My kids have ever only been to Private schools, from age 3 to end of Secondary. Not sure about America but here Private education is exy, up to $30k per year per child. So yes the odds are high that there are going to be kids there that are from very wealthy families. But the spoiled rotten element I have not witnessed, mainly because my kids go to Progressive/Democratic Private schools which although expensive do not attract the elitist mentality.

OP as a parent it starts from very early childhood, instill in them a good sense of worth and that they do not have top have "stuff" to be happy. We never encourage brand name clothing, said no to over priced products and generally taught them how not to fall into the over consuming life style.
We analyse purchases for cost, quality and value for money. They can see right through advertising and have never wanted to keep up with others.

The ironic thing is that we can afford pretty much whatever they want but have raised them in such a way that they don't put so much importance on how "loaded" we are.


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## Ikaika

We pay $20K/year for private school.


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## IcePrincess28

Its all about how you parent....

my high school - (from 10 years ago) - is $23k.. everyone I know - was spoiled rotten. I was as well. 

Today?? I am one of the unhappiest people I know. And guess what? everyone I went to high school- at least, in my superficial little clique- are just as unhappy. 

We all did the same thing. Over studied- ivy league. Nothing was lacking. Married wealthy. Great jobs. How did my early post college years turn out? I was divorced at 22, left my EH with a broken mouth (he punched me in the face after i confronted him about cheating). But that is an extreme example. However- when you're taught only- to excel in school and have goals that correlate to monetary ones- things become pretty meaningless when you can achieve them at a young age. 

To this day (read my thread) - I am relatively unhappy- with an insatiable thirst for who knows what. Its an empty void that I am trying to find out what. 

I currently have two kids- and my best insurance for them, is making sure they do not go thru what I go thru. I will give them the same education opportunity I went thru (as per my culture- I simply can not help this)- but my BF- is a worldly outdoorsman who frowns on material gain. 

I say- teach them to be proud of who they are despite their surroundings. Often- good private educations mean snobby spoiled kids- (their parents are often too busy to provide one on one life lessons)- find a way to teach them that life is not about the next hottest phone, car, and vacations- and be confident about it. 

When you find out how- please let me know??? So i can teach my kids. (they are 2 & 4). I am most unhappy thinking about their future right now.


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## Ikaika

I was the opposite of spoiled rotten growing up. I was told on a regular basis, that I was a worthless excuse for a human (by my father). I had a lot of issues plague me in my early adult years as a result of that demented upbringing . And, while I would say I am not generally an unhappy person, I still have bouts of serious depression. Normally when I retreat from TAM, it is because I'm retreating from life in general to hit the reset button.

I managed understand my father and work hard not to repeat his actions. Needless to say, I can't help but try to help my sons achieve what I was told was not for me. 

Somewhere between the extremes, is a balance point, with or without money. It really means that kids would rather have your time than your money.


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## heartsbeating

This can slice both ways as far as judgements go so I guess either way, instilling good values and sense of self would be key. How is that done? No idea, I'm not a parent. I think drerio and his wife have got it down though. Why do you feel the need to defend yourself to your child? 

BIL went to a private school and knew that he wouldn't have the regular international vacations and luxuries that his classmates had. I think for a short time he struggled with this, with the belonging and identity, but then he seemed to come into his own. He's still good friends with his classmates and we've observed the circles and opportunities he's been exposed to. His first office job in London was thanks to his friend's dad being the CEO. Sure, he could do the job, but the connection certainly gave him the foot in. He's traveled the world off his own back, sometimes staying in the vacation homes of his friend's families along the way. He doesn't aspire to those things, being more the creative type, but the exposure nonetheless has been interesting and provided value. That's been his experience.

I went to a public high school. Our year was notorious for drugs. My friend spiraled down that path and his parents moved him to a top private boys school, thinking that would help. Unfortunately it just meant those kids were doing the more expensive drugs and he got in deeper. And that was his experience.


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## Ikaika

Thank you hearts. We try the best we can with the tools we have been given. As some may know, we have our challenges with our oldest son. I don't always have the right answers or reactions, but I have learned a lot from him.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Don't worry about it. Your kid will spend time with his wealthy friends (if they really are wealthy, 500K homes don't sound very wealthy to me, showy maybe but whatever) and after a while will realize that they have just as many and sometimes different problems than he does. That wealth (or money if not true wealth) does not always solve problems. He may also find out that there are times when it does, whether it's the only or best solution, or just equal to other solutions, and that's okay too. 

If you are truly democratic and egalitarian, you won't hold someone's financial status against them either way. I know plenty of kids who are poor or of modest means who are really brats, and spoiled too. Being poor or of modest means does not make anyone a saint, or better than someone who comes from wealth. Maybe there are more challenges, like being harassed by police, dealing with the pervs on the public bus, and things like that. But wealthy people may have their own challenges, such as their kids' friends' parents who's having trouble connecting with them as human beings.

There are things of value everyone can offer. Figure out what you have to offer your kids' friends, by getting to know them. You might be surprised what they like. 

My kids are loaded, me not so much. But they love my home cooking, and they love to go camping. They also love that I'm around quite a bit. So, some of their relatives that are loaded, and I mean really loaded, they despise. They also had some relatives who were loaded who died, and we really miss them and would rather have them than their money. :-( When I think back on all the people I've been friends with and really adored, it runs the gamut from super wealthy to living in the projects. 

It's America, get over it and get on with it.


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## Holland

IcePrincess28 said:


> Its all about how you parent....
> 
> my high school - (from 10 years ago) - is $23k.. everyone I know - was spoiled rotten. I was as well.
> 
> Today?? I am one of the unhappiest people I know. And guess what? everyone I went to high school- at least, in my superficial little clique- are just as unhappy.
> 
> We all did the same thing. Over studied- ivy league. Nothing was lacking. Married wealthy. Great jobs. How did my early post college years turn out? I was divorced at 22, left my EH with a broken mouth (he punched me in the face after i confronted him about cheating). But that is an extreme example. However- when you're taught only- to excel in school and have goals that correlate to monetary ones- things become pretty meaningless when you can achieve them at a young age.
> 
> To this day (read my thread) - I am relatively unhappy- with an insatiable thirst for who knows what. Its an empty void that I am trying to find out what.
> 
> I currently have two kids- and my best insurance for them, is making sure they do not go thru what I go thru. I will give them the same education opportunity I went thru (as per my culture- I simply can not help this)- but my BF- is a worldly outdoorsman who frowns on material gain.
> 
> *I say- teach them to be proud of who they are despite their surroundings. Often- good private educations mean snobby spoiled kids- (their parents are often too busy to provide one on one life lessons)- find a way to teach them that life is not about the next hottest phone, car, and vacations- and be confident about it.
> 
> When you find out how- please let me know??? So i can teach my kids. (they are 2 & 4). I am most unhappy thinking about their future right now.*


It is actually not that hard. Just say no to them when they ask for stuff just for the sake of it. Let them have a major meltdown in the supermarket when they don't get what they ask for. Let them learn the hard wy from a very early age. Then as they get older mix it up with teaching them about value for money, compounding interest (both the negative and positive aspects).
Don't reward them for doing things that they should be doing anyway such as homework, chores. This sets them up for monetary expectations instead of doing things because that is what contributing members of society do.

My 3 are all teens and if I think something is not appropriate or their old phone (whatever) is still useable then I say no. They will give a slight grumble at times but less so as they get older.

Teach them about how consumers get ripped off, how false advertising is, teach them to be critical thinkers and not mindless consumers.

Start young, be tough when you say no and teach them that they have a responsibility to not over consume. It is not hard to do and it pays off with well adjusted, functioning young adults at the other end.


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## Anon Pink

When you give to your children what they haven't earned, you teach entitlement which is the surest way to ensure their profound unhappiness in life no matter what degrees they earn or where they work or how much they're paid.


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## clipclop2

Look at kids like you would a pack of dogs.

There can be only one alpha. 

You are that alpha. They are secure when they know you are the leader, when you are fair and in control. If you flinch, refuse to discipline, fear losing their love if you don't give in to their demands, you lose their respect and alpha status.

They will be more demanding, less happy and less secure because they know deep down that they are not ready to be in charge. They like the power so they will not give it up willingly but they will have underlying neuroses because the order of the world is wrong.


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## NextTimeAround

Well, I can proudly say that out of a class of 40 seniors, all 5 of us black people graduated in the top 50% of the class.

I was 10 out of 40, so the top 25%.

But this thread seems to me, that the only way to raise an intelligent, hardworking, mature child is the for the parent to be poor and make sure that the child does without....... or at the very least, has to demonstrate that they are bright enough for some charity to take a chance on them.

If only the top 10 or 20 percent will be chosen, what on earth is going to happen to all of the other poor kids that need a chance?

Hopefully, adults who insist upon having children will have Plan B worked for their kids.


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## clipclop2

wild its difficult to afford college for even the middle class I don't agree with your contention about the only way to raise well adjusted kids. I know plenty of rich children who are also hard working and well adjusted. every parent no matter how much money they have asked to provide an environment where a child grows and earns their way in the world so that they understand what things are worth. & I don't just mean monetarily but I need hard work and kindness and sacrifice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF

Not good, not good at all.

Those kids will spill their "spoiled" ways onto your child.

I would tell him to continue his friendship but broaden his outlook a bit and befriend other friends.

TO ME, there is not much worse than a parent that spoils their kids......the effects it has on the kids are horrible and set in stone for good (most of the time).


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## DoF

clipclop2 said:


> wild its difficult to afford college for even the middle class I don't agree with your contention about the only way to raise well adjusted kids. I know plenty of rich children who are also hard working and well adjusted. every parent no matter how much money they have asked to provide an environment where a child grows and earns their way in the world so that they understand what things are worth. & I don't just mean monetarily but I need hard work and kindness and sacrifice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't see ANY of this. Quite the opposite.

I see many middle class children SPOILING their kids and rich doing the same.

Above is an exception to the rule that I haven't witnessed (at least not in the metropolitan area I live in/SouthWest CT hehe)


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## norajane

redloft said:


> My 9 year old son seems to meet friends who are in much better financial shape than we are to put it lightly. He is an only child and I want him to socialize with other kids but all these kids are spoiled rotten. It seems my wife and I are always defending ourselves because he thinks we are poor (we both work and have decent careers). We own a modest cape while all his friends have half a million dollar mansions. When I grew up all my neighborhood friends were the same so we didn't have these problems. This has become the part of parenthood I dread the most. Advice?


Use this as an opportunity to teach your son about money. Talk to him about it frequently, like when you sit down to pay the bills. Show him how much is going to utilities and mortgage and insurance, talk to him about saving and how much you are putting away for his education. Discuss financial matters with your wife while he is also in the room - he will absorb a lot more than you might expect about your values and how you use money.

Be transparent and educational with him about money, so it's not a big mystery. Help him learn the value of money by teaching him where it comes from and what it's for and how to manage it. He's not too young to learn the basics. I sometimes teach a Junior Achievement class as part of my company's volunteer activities, and kids as young as first grade are able to grasp work/income/job/food/saving for that ipod they want or that college education. A 9 year old can understand a lot more than that.

Also, this is a great time to get involved in volunteer activities that your son can participate in so he can see for himself what real poverty is, and how to have compassion for people who really need it - the kids going to those soup kitchens on Thanksgiving, for example, instead of feeling sorry for himself. Volunteer to build playgrounds in underserved areas, ask him to give up two of his unused toys or books for Christmas so you can donate it to a womens & children's shelter. Take him shopping to buy coats, shoes, hats, mittens, and then donate those to a shelter. Show him to value what he has by example.


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## DoF

Holland said:


> It is actually not that hard. Just say no to them when they ask for stuff just for the sake of it. Let them have a major meltdown in the supermarket when they don't get what they ask for. Let them learn the hard wy from a very early age. Then as they get older mix it up with teaching them about value for money, compounding interest (both the negative and positive aspects).
> Don't reward them for doing things that they should be doing anyway such as homework, chores. This sets them up for monetary expectations instead of doing things because that is what contributing members of society do.
> 
> My 3 are all teens and if I think something is not appropriate or their old phone (whatever) is still useable then I say no. They will give a slight grumble at times but less so as they get older.
> 
> Teach them about how consumers get ripped off, how false advertising is, teach them to be critical thinkers and not mindless consumers.
> 
> Start young, be tough when you say no and teach them that they have a responsibility to not over consume. It is not hard to do and it pays off with well adjusted, functioning young adults at the other end.


Agreed

It's "hard" because many people make it hard on themselves. 

Also, many people are simply naive and by "trying to do good" and provide for their children, they do the opposite.

Person you quoted above has already shown us these tendencies in prior posts hehe (no offense).

Providing for your child = shelter/roof over their head and FOOD. Indirect NEED = time with them, experiances and education (and no, college is NOT parents responsibility).

Rest are all "extras" yet our society has convinced people that extras are a must.

Now we have bank slaves for worthless crap. People paying 10x the price for items that cost 10 bucks and are garbage/on the shelf/useless.....in interest.

I've noticed that more my kids have, less they appreciate. 

Thus, LESS is more. Back when I was young, I had 1 or 2 Lego sets and was the happiest kid in the world. 

We are talking normal human behavior. More you have, less you appreciate and less time you have TO appreciate.

And now you see why I say "materialistic items are not only worthless but HARMFUL".

:scratchhead:


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## NextTimeAround

Anon Pink said:


> When you give to your children what they haven't earned, you teach entitlement which is the surest way to ensure their profound unhappiness in life no matter what degrees they earn or where they work or how much they're paid.


Give me some examples of how a child can earn.... oh gees, IDK.....

say for example, they show that they have a talent in an expensive sport like equestrian? As a parent, you can afford the costs, how do you plan to make your child earn it?

Another example, you have more than one child at home. How do you share out household chores in a fair / equitable manner. I was reading a NYTimes article about how common it is for parents to lean on daughters to do household chores.


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## ReformedHubby

Perhaps my parents would be considered mean by many but I pretty much was a second class citizen when I was a child. I tried the whole guilt thing once and compared them to a wealthier family. They replied, "well, we'll pack your stuff and you can go live with them". They then told me that what I said was disrespectful to them. That they worked hard to provide what I *did* have. They then pointed out to me several examples of kids I knew who have a whole lot less. I felt really guilty about even bringing it up. But.....I also learned a lesson.


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## norajane

NextTimeAround said:


> Give me some examples of how a child can earn.... oh gees, IDK.....
> 
> say for example, they show that they have a talent in an expensive sport like equestrian? As a parent, you can afford the costs, how do you plan to make your child earn it?


Extra chores seems like a good idea. Washing the car, shoveling snow, weeding the garden, cleaning the basement, going through their own closets and stuff to select items to donate to charity, etc. Chores they don't do on a daily or weekly basis as part of their regular chores.



> Another example, you have more than one child at home. How do you share out household chores in a fair / equitable manner. I was reading a NYTimes article about how common it is for parents to lean on daughters to do household chores.


Have them switch assigned chores each week, so they are both doing ALL the same things, just on alternating weeks.


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## Ikaika

ReformedHubby said:


> Perhaps my parents would be considered mean by many but I pretty much was a second class citizen when I was a child. I tried the whole guilt thing once and compared them to a wealthier family. They replied, "well, we'll pack your stuff and you can go live with them". They then told me that what I said was disrespectful to them. That they worked hard to provide what I *did* have. They then pointed out to me several examples of kids I knew who have a whole lot less. I felt really guilty about even bringing it up. But.....I also learned a lesson.


My father was cruel, but there again I don't look at this issue the same as some. Whether you have the means to provide your children or struggle to do so, it is about the time you spend with them that will be far more meaningful in the end.

I am often reminded by my oldest son, when my younger one and I are talking sports, (older one has no interest in organized sports) that my younger son is hogging my attention. So I can spoil them with things (which we don't), but in the end they really just want me to be dad.


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## ReformedHubby

drerio said:


> My father was cruel, but there again I don't look at this issue the same as some. Whether you have the means to provide your children or struggle to do so, it is about the time you spend with them that will be far more meaningful in the end.
> 
> I am often reminded by my oldest son, when my younger one and I are talking sports, (older one has no interest in organized sports) that my younger son is hogging my attention. So I can spoil them with things (which we don't), but in the end they really just want me to be dad.


I agree. I also want to clarify. I don't think my parents were cruel. They were just no nonsense.


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## Ikaika

ReformedHubby said:


> I agree. I also want to clarify. I don't think my parents were cruel. They were just no nonsense.


I wish my dad had been no nonsense. But, I also understand why he was the way he was and I have long since forgiven him. When he passed, my brothers and I gave him the respect of a father and spread his ashes in the way he desired. Beyond that I have nothing else. 

I try to be no nonsense and as such my boys are kept in check, but I am always second guessing myself after the fact to ensure I did not cross the line. It is hard when you don't have the mind movie manual to operate from on so many issues in life.


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## NextTimeAround

ReformedHubby said:


> Perhaps my parents would be considered mean by many but I pretty much was a second class citizen when I was a child. I tried the whole guilt thing once and compared them to a wealthier family. They replied, "well, we'll pack your stuff and you can go live with them". They then told me that what I said was disrespectful to them. That they worked hard to provide what I *did* have. They then pointed out to me several examples of kids I knew who have a whole lot less. I felt really guilty about even bringing it up. But.....I also learned a lesson.


My parents were the opposite. They reminded us of families that they believed had less than us. Ok, but I bet their father gets home earlier than 10pm at night. I was once visiting a friend in the neighborhood and her father got home around 5:30pm. I asked, is today a holiday? 

the other sad thing about our family is that for all those extra hours that my father worked, it was for money earmarked for his side of the family. Despite the fact that my father said that his father beat on him all the time, it seems that my father spent the rest of his life trying to impress him.


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## clipclop2

Summer jobs. After school jobs. A portion of the money goes into the hobby and "extras" are negotiated and they pay for them. 

Kids can't pay for everything but if they don't pay anything and have what they contribute smart a little what's tge point of making them pay anything at all? You can't hope they get something from the exercise. You have to hedge your bets and structure things so they have choices to make: if I do/buy X I can't afford Y.

My younger bought her new bedroom furniture from her savings. Her old stuff was good and she had to dig deep to pay. She agonized for months over the purchase and chose well. Impressed me.

Now she has her own furniture at 13. Hers.


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## NextTimeAround

clipclop2 said:


> Summer jobs. After school jobs. A portion of the money goes into the hobby and "extras" are negotiated and they pay for them.
> 
> Kids can't pay for everything but if they don't pay anything and have what they contribute smart a little what's tge point of making them pay anything at all? You can't hope they get something from the exercise. You have to hedge your bets and structure things so they have choices to make: if I do/buy X I can't afford Y.
> 
> My younger bought her new bedroom furniture from her savings. Her old stuff was good and she had to dig deep to pay. She agonized for months over the purchase and chose well. Impressed me.
> 
> Now she has her own furniture at 13. Hers.


that's great if the child / teenager lives somewhere where they can get to a place of work where they are actually making money. OR if they already live somewhere where they walk or take public transportation to work.

If you take your family out somewhere where the only way that you can get somewhere is by a private car, then how can you expect your child to find employment to cover the costs of things that they want to buy. 

I remember one time I helped my mother clean out some closets and prepare some items for sale. We had a garage sale and managed to sell a few things. 

My mother then wanted to deduct from the money collected an a amount before I received anything. 

Great, I am not allowed to work a regular job. I don't have a car to get anywhere to have a job. 

I helped my mother to prepare these items for sale ...... and yet, she, who is the paymaster of the house decides that she keeps a percent of the sales made that day........ as if that were HER ONLY source of income as well.


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## clipclop2

I forget. Are you the adult now or not?

What your mom did is not the issue.

If they can't earn they can't afford can they. 

If you can't afford to pay them for their labor either nobody can afford.

That's life.


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## SimplyAmorous

redloft said:


> My 9 year old son seems to meet friends who are in much better financial shape than we are to put it lightly. He is an only child and I want him to socialize with other kids but all these kids are spoiled rotten. It seems my wife and I are always defending ourselves because he thinks we are poor (we both work and have decent careers). We own a modest cape while all his friends have half a million dollar mansions. When I grew up all my neighborhood friends were the same so we didn't have these problems. This has become the part of parenthood I dread the most. Advice?


 When I was in school.. I sometimes compared myself to the really popular "well to do" kids...it was what it was.. I didn't gravitate to them..I only wanted to be around nice people, who accepted others for their differences..... If I felt they looked down on me in any way (I was never picked on, It was more in my own head), or they carried a stuck up attitude.. I totally ignored them.. I never tried to fit in where I felt I might not... 

I was lucky to get lunch money for school at times.. a few new clothes a year.... 

As a parent who has every reason to hold your head high even if you can't afford all new designer clothes or $600 cell phone for your 9 yr old...I would just appeal as best you can to instill sound values in your son ...some things are lasting..and honorable.. and some things are not as important.. even if we can't see it NOW... Peer pressure & trying to fit in though.. it's a huge deal to teens... this is the struggle ...

Learning the value of a dollar sure makes a person more relatable in our world of hard knocks though... in comparison to those who have many things handed to them... 

Probing Question: Does materialism harm kids? |


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## IcePrincess28

clipclop2 said:


> Summer jobs. After school jobs. A portion of the money goes into the hobby and "extras" are negotiated and they pay for them.


My kids will not be getting jobs- as any after school hours are too valuable once they hit employable age. They are going to have to be 2) Doing extracurriculars to strengthen college applications 3) Sports practice 4) Homework and Studying for the ACTs, but most importantly, 1) Fitting time to enjoying family time and hanging out with their friends. 

I really like the chores idea. Growing up- in my household- I was not only not allowed to get a job as a teenager, but I was not allowed to do chores. Any extra time was for studying, and etc. 

I have my kids do chores now. My 2 year old helps pick up all the toys. Both my kids put their dirty clothes into a hamper. Puts things back where they get them. My older son makes his own bed. I'm proud of them! Its more than what I was taught to do. 



clipclop2 said:


> Kids can't pay for everything but if they don't pay anything and have what they contribute smart a little what's tge point of making them pay anything at all? You can't hope they get something from the exercise. You have to hedge your bets and structure things so they have choices to make: if I do/buy X I can't afford Y.


My kids do a merit sticker for toys. They play with most of the same things anyways- and its really nice to see them get really excited to earn something. As opposed to when they're at their dad's- and get everything they want. They seem to be more excited when I get it for them- I guess bc they really felt that they earned it.

And will be getting cars when they're 16- based on 1) character 2) grades. They'll definitely be getting non luxury, teenage budget appropriate cars. I've been driving luxury ever since I was 16- and never got to feel the joy and pride that comes with owning something "nice." 



clipclop2 said:


> My younger bought her new bedroom furniture from her savings. Her old stuff was good and she had to dig deep to pay. She agonized for months over the purchase and chose well. Impressed me.
> Now she has her own furniture at 13. Hers.


That is TRULY very impressive!! Well done Mom!! And especially- well done to her!


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