# Not interested because I didn't create the environment



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

So we had a discussion today about sex. She said she is not so interested and it's all my fault because I don't create an environment to make her want me. 

I said: yes, it's true that we have issues in our marriage, and because of it we don't want each other as much as we should, but it's up to BOTH of us to make the environment. It's not only my job.

So if you yell at me, don't expect me to create "environment".

But somehow, every time she is frustrated, she finds a way to blame me for something.

She is busy all day, and had to work till very late on the computer. Cool. I spent the same time on the computer. She: you know why I am on the computer? because you are sitting on the computer till late at night. Me: no way. I was actually not on the computer but rather doing other things, but since you were I also did. She: but I did because I had to! And I am so tired that I didn't even accomplish anything!

Me: scratching head.

I don't know if it is possible to ever explain someone that is self centered that they are self centered. They just see the world through their own glasses, and refuse to believe that there is any other way.



</vent>


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

joshbjoshb said:


> I don't know if it is possible to ever explain someone that is self centered that they are self centered. They just see the world through their own glasses, and refuse to believe that there is any other way.
> 
> 
> 
> </vent>


You don't. It's not even your job to make them see that. Regardless of whether it purely selfish, or mental illness, it's your job to recognize it, and then act accordingly in YOUR best interest.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Create an environment? You mean like putting on the mood music and dimming the lights?

Oh... nevermind


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Deejo said:


> You don't. It's not even your job to make them see that. Regardless of whether it purely selfish, or mental illness, it's your job to recognize it, and then act accordingly in YOUR best interest.


I know you are right. I stopped trying to "show" her or teach her anything for the past few months - much thanks to this forum! 

Good point about selfish vs mental. One must ask themselves if most selfish people are dealing with some mental issues back down. In my case, I have no doubt that her mother had much to contribute to this.

Regarding action, that's already a whole different question. But I hope I am doing what's right for me, and certainly for my kids!


----------



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Josh, you're not alone. Many of us are right there with you. Hang tough.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

She needs to get a grip. Even living alone, I know when to take a break from the computer and kick back and get some rest. It doesn't even sound like a relationship issue, though it's framed that way because you happen to be there. It sounds like a time and self management issue. People who work at home especially in anything computer related need to Get a Grip on their lives, while working from home has its benefits, it helps to be really selfish and to have home/family/self/life as a priority, and to turn the work switch off entirely without be o-c about trying to get ahead in one's job/profession.


----------



## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

its really tempting and easy to leap to defense, but its super unlikely to actually help resolve anything. 

You alluded to other issues being a barrier between you two. Thats where you need to focus. 

The "environment" is basically *those issues* being fixed. It really is as simple as that IMO. When she says "environment" I suspect that's her phrase for the unresolved issues.


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> She needs to get a grip. Even living alone, I know when to take a break from the computer and kick back and get some rest. It doesn't even sound like a relationship issue, though it's framed that way because you happen to be there. It sounds like a time and self management issue. People who work at home especially in anything computer related need to Get a Grip on their lives, while working from home has its benefits, it helps to be really selfish and to have home/family/self/life as a priority, and to turn the work switch off entirely without be o-c about trying to get ahead in one's job/profession.


I happen to agree that she has some time management issues - I told her that and she got so offended, I don't even bother to talk about it. It's part of me realizing that she is her own person, and has to learn her own way - or deal with the consensus herself. I am not her father or mother.

I further think that part of being self centered is not to realize that you have issues you have to work on, and constantly blame others...


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Quantmflux said:


> its really tempting and easy to leap to defense, but its super unlikely to actually help resolve anything.
> 
> You alluded to other issues being a barrier between you two. Thats where you need to focus.
> 
> The "environment" is basically *those issues* being fixed. It really is as simple as that IMO. When she says "environment" I suspect that's her phrase for the unresolved issues.


We def. got our share of issues we have to deal with! My issue though is that it seems like - not only from this instance - that she thinks of marriage as pretty much a one way street. I have to be careful and not hurt her, I have to make her want me, I have to help her etc etc. - yet it doesn't go the other way.

If I need to make her want me, than she needs to make me want her. But again, if you'd read through my previous posts and you'd learn my marriage stories, you'd see that almost always I have to make all moves, and she very rarely recognize her part of the mess.

You know, those that say "make me want sex" are basically telling you "sex is a favor for you, so pay for it." One thing they don't realize is who gets paid for sex.

Marriage, and sex, are all in my opinion one thing: mutual. You need to want it, and I do too. And if neither of us does - than we have to work on it together.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Entitled princess mentality with a little narcissist mixed in for good measure. 
She thinks that she deserves happiness and should not have to work for it. 
Everything is your fault because there is no way, ever, that she is to blame for anything. After all she is the perfect one and you are not.
She is obsessed with what she wants and does not consider your feelings at all and gets mad when you try to talk to her about how you feel.
For her, there is no 50/50 in the marriage. It is all about her.
MC may help her but getting her to go or even admit that it is needed is going to be a battle.

Good luck.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I'm with her. Romance/sex life is the man's job. Take charge.

Also your "discussion" sounds like you whining about not enough sex. And stop arguing with her, especially about inane crap.


----------

