# No interest whatsoever in a future relationship



## Endgame

Is there anyone else here, like me, that would not even consider a future relationship? I hope that I'm not the only one who has no desire whatsoever to seek out a new love. The past two years have been so stressful and hellish, that I could never trust a man ever again. I know there are great fellas out there, but I know that I am so damaged, and I don't see myself as material for any kind of successful relationship. I think I'll just stick with a nice cuddly pet or two, to enjoy the rest of this journey called life. I can carry on alone, and I do have my three kids who I adore and have a lot of fun with, but an intimate relationship is something I don't think I will ever consider again. Twenty years with someone is long enough.

I do have to say I find it rather odd though to see so many wanting to jump right into a new situation, even before their divorce is final. That would scare the daylights out of me. I would need time and lots of it just to rediscover the person I am. 

Am I just an odd duck here?


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## Jellybeans

You are not alone. And I fully agree with you regarding people going from a marriage directly into another relationship...before the divorce is final. Even people that date soon after a divorce seem so alien to me. Its not something I can wrap my head around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

while reading the title of this thread a feeling of resignment came over me... I have been sorta feeling like that, really am not feeling like pursuing anyone or using up any energy on someone else right now... I've been trying to date, have been seeing a new lady who is also recently separated and we have a sexual chemistry but so little else... I appreciate the sexual expression we have with each other but do find I'm so reluctant to invest anything emotional into it. It is very melancholy feeling, like there is some passion there but it is a just a slow hot controlled burn. Also my anatomy is not working like a healthy 35 year old man's should and looking back into my sexless marriage I'm realizing that this has been a contributing factor to the lack of intimacy and I'm only realizing it now, everything else works except the one piece du resitance... which still does its job just not with gusto needs constant coaxing (just like its master I guess). I just feel like an old man and its really hard to even want to feel youthful, there is still so much joy in life I just want to take it way, way to slow. Kinda scares me because I can't see living the next 20, 30 or 40 years more without the vigour it seems I'm missing... maybe all we need is time to heal, but what if the healing never happens? (and yes I'm talking to professionals about all of this)


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## fool for love

WOW I feel the same way.....I have no desire and don't know if I want to ever be in any type of relationship again....then I feel sad for myself thinking I am just going to be lonely. I have my beautiful children but still they will grow very fast and be off with friends etc.,...Will I really spend the rest of my life alone? And is that how I want it? Am I too damaged to let myself find any type of relationship. Sorry for the rambling I am just feeling all over the place today, angry, sad, embarrassed....UGH....

Good Luck End Game...I completely Understand...


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## Malibu17

I understand how many of you feel, especially since I came out of a 22 year marriage. I NEVER want to experience another bad relationship, much less divorce. 

I have dated a few women, since my divorce 2 years ago, but no serious relationships...neither do I want one.

I believe one of the primary reasons many get into a relationship immediately after a break-up/divorce, is because they can't handle being alone and/or it helps mask the pain (rebound) of their prior failed relationship.


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## Sparkles422

Haven't rebounded, myself. Just living one day at a time and learning, learning, learning to grow and choose wisely next time.

Huh.


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## cherokee96red

At this point, I am feeling the same. It's going on 8 months since the seperation. I am re-discovering ME and have nowish to bring some one else in to this. Too much to do to get my life back on track, don't need distractions. Maybe much later I'll feel differently but for now I am getting used to being alone for the first time in 25 years and I'm beginning to like it. No worries about the toilet seatbeing left up, no tug of war over the TV remote, no debates about what's for dinner.


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## Cooper

Now here's a subject I can relate to! Sometimes I am so happy and content being alone I think there's something wrong with me! I have had plenty of dates and I do (sort of) enjoy meeting new women and learning about their life, but the thought of a day to day relationship just has no interest for me. And I'm really tired of family and friends always on me about finding another "special" person, my last "special" person made my life hell for way to many years!

You know what I really want, a fake girlfriend, someone to make an occasional appearance at a get together or family function, then go to her own home and let me go home and relax! lol


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## Jellybeans

All of you guys are cracking me up. I can relate to every single one of you!!! LOL


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

That's the way I felt after my divorce. I was very untrusting of men under the circumstances/abuse that had happened from men.

I was working, raising my child on my own and going to college getting a degree to get up on my feet and make it on my own giving my daughter and I the best life possible. Well, one day while at work my supervisor had asked me to go out on a blind date with her husbands brother. She showed me some pictures of him, which were outdated and kinda funny looking.lol Reluctantly I decided to go for it. Heck it was only a date and I needed to take a break from the world and have fun.

Prior to our first date we spoke on the phone getting to know one another, he is a real super nice guy. After a few phone calls I started receiving fresh flowers delivered to my work. Wow, how awesome was that!!! We went on our first date which ended up being a work chili fest 1.5 hour drive. He and my supervisor showed up and we hit it off pretty well! We definatly went on a second date and a month later he told me he loved me, which I was not ready for. He proposed 6 months later. He was quite the gentleman and we didn't have any sexual relations until after we were engaged. 13 years later(married 12) we couldn't be any happier. We had 2 more children and the fabulous sex life continues. We never argue and have fabulous communication with each other. We are both completely physically/emotionally connected and very affocinate with one another.

Don't ever give up hope. I couldn't be any happier with my husband. He's my best friend and the best husband anyone could ever ask for. I'm so blessed to have him in my life. I did feel that way at one time. I met my husband 5 years after my divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soccerfan73

I can certainly relate to this topic. 

After my failed marriage, I really don't think I want to be married again. I just prefer dating, and let it be what it will. 

As much as I enjoy my current relationship, I do enjoy the fact that I can go to my own home and listen to music while watching NHL hockey all day during a Holiday break from work without being bugged about being lazy by anyone. LOL


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## aston

If anything I'm scared of women and won't go near a woman even if you try to pay me to. No relationships for me and I'm happy being single. I can travel, focus on my career without abusive distractions and rediscover myself once again. More importantly I can expose my two kids to so much more than the STBXW allowed.


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## Jellybeans

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> He was quite the gentleman and we didn't have any sexual relations until after we were engaged.


Haha. What a great story. And I do so love that you said "We didn't have any sexual relations" LOOOL. So clinical/proper! 



Soccerfan73 said:


> After my failed marriage, I really don't think I want to be married again. I just prefer dating, and let it be what it will.


I'm right there with you. I'm not sure I'd ever want to get married again. I thought marriage was a forever thing and was/am pretty disillusioned w/ my divorce.


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## Almostrecovered

you guys at least getting booty calls?


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## solitudeseeker

I'm with you. Four months separated, but not yet begun divorce proceedings. Things can change, of course, but my current mindset is "never again". I have nothing left to give - too exhausted and wounded, and I have entirely lost the ability to trust.

I'll never again allow anyone to get close enough to me where he begins to think he has the right to start criticizing my interests and my basic personality, steal money, have affairs, etc. After three years of emotional and psychological abuse from my husband, I'm going to take a long break from relationships. I also have a 14 year old daughter to raise, so the next few years belong to her.

I'm the celibacy queen, paddling my kayak alone, and steering it where I want it to go. For now it's all about me.


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## aston

Almostrecovered said:


> you guys at least getting booty calls?


Booty calls are easy....but after being put through the ringer believe me it's different. Even booty calls now go beyond how juicy the booty is.....if thats between the ears makes no sense I'm not going any lower. nuff said lol


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## Joanie

I'd have to say I am of the opposite mindset. I can't imagine NOT being in a relationship. I have a few friends who have sworn off dating forever and I just can't picture myself ever getting to that point. I have had failed relationships in the past but would/will never give up on the idea of being with someone for the rest of my life. Maybe I just hate the idea of being alone. I don't think either point of view is right or wrong. I sometimes envy those who are comfortable being alone, I just don't happen to be one of those people. Luckily, I am in a relationship that works and I feel content but if the day came when it ended, I know I would get back on the horse again.


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## madaboutlove

I am not done with this marriage yet, although 8 months and 4 mediation sessions into it, but I loved being married. I hope some day I will want to date and spend time with another man, but I don't see it in my immediate future. 28 years with one man, the only man I have ever been with, I think I would feel like I was cheating the whole time I was on a date. Going to finish my PhD, see my youngest graduate from college, travel and take care of myself. Maybe by then something will happen


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## KatiezMomma

I have the same thoughts too, after being so royally screwed over by this H, just the thought of being in another relationship causes anxiety. Of course I am still in love with the man I have but him having a girlfriend and they are talking about having children while we are still living in the same house kind of puts a damper on things. Hopefully this feeling of pain and hurt fades and I am able to trust again.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

F*ck.... this topic hits to close too home...

Im not even sure why Im completely uncomfortable right now...

I read the title of this thread and thought "AHH-HAA, perfect spot to talk about whats been bothering me!"

Now... Im not sure why I can't.

Me thinks, I'm just a bit fuct up. 

Lonely, but damaged. 

I want someone to share time with, to enjoy... But, I dont want anyone near me.

I want to be wanted. to be kissed softly and be hugged deeply. 

but, the thought of that makes me cringe.

F*ck, Im damaged.

....sigh....


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## Almostrecovered

Cuddle buddy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

Almostrecovered said:


> Cuddle buddy?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't think so. Danger Will Robinson!!! Danger!!.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheMizz...erable

Well I am one who wants to meet different women and hope to find a great relationship some day. In my case, I never really was serious with anyone other than my wife. I did not sow my wild oats. So even though I just got divorced today, I do not want to be single because I was single for many many years before I met my wife. Being alone doesn't bother me because I have been there. But I want someone to want me. I want to sow my wild oats.

Edited: Actually when I was alone it bothered me some. But I don't want to be with anybody for the sake of not being alone. I want someone who will be crazy about me. I want hot, sweaty, crazy, can't live without you love.


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## Lookingforclosure

I'm with all of you who have no desire for a future relationship. Going through separation right now (divorce will follow) I'm done. I don't think I believe in love anymore and don't think I can ever fully trust a man again. I'm a very affectionate person, give and receive affection is very important to me so it is/will be very hard, it's not easy think that if I die around my 80's I still have about 50 years to go alone but it is what it is and I know I will eventually be okay. I look forward to start all my hobbies again, reconnect with friends/make more friends, keep myself busy with work and get the german shepherd I have always wanted.


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## Lowlife

It's good to take some time for yourself. I think anyone that has been in a long term relationship needs a break and needs to "rediscover" themselves. I've been doing that and it's been a lot of fun...more fun than I've had in a long time. I've made some new friends and strengthened some older friendships. I've enjoyed being able to do what I want and not have to worry about anything or anyone. 

I have no desire to ever get married again but I'm not going to completely give up and write off any sort of relationship. You just never know who you might meet someday when you least expect it.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone

Something that bothers me about this not so much the idea of another relationship, but how I'm going to handle my first sexual relationship with someone new. I did a lot of running around in my youth, didn't get married until I was 33, the thing is though I've never slept with anyone but my wife in almost 25 years. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about this, anyone else care to share how they felt or dealt with it?


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## i.bellagardner

For sure, you're really not alone. But just like the wound that needs time to heal, the pain you feel inside also needs time, more time to heal.


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## Lon

Almostrecovered said:


> Cuddle buddy?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I think I was really seeking when I started looking for dates... someone kind and respectable to share a few experiences with (coffee dates, make supper for each other once in awhile, cuddle up to a movie, just enjoy each others company). I found one, and it went from first date to cuddle talk to sexual quite fast, now we don't really have much use for each other except for sex, hmmph. I want more than that (but not TOO much more), and with her there just isn't much click (until we get our hands on each other that is, and then it is a marathon of passion every time).


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## HaHa

It took me over a year to even casually date at all. I needed that alone time to concentrate on me. I can still remember the first guy I went on a date with after my husband. He was such a nice guy, totally did everything right, sent me flowers after the date, etc. I just remember sitting there at dinner thinking…I wish you were a little bit of loser because I am not ready for anyone decent in my life yet or anyone who has potential...lol. At that time, I would have told you that I would never be in a serious relationship again. I didn’t date anyone after that for about 4-5 months. I dated here and there when the mood would strike me. After about three years, I met my now husband in a book store and three years after that we were married There is hope for decent people out there. It just seems to strike when you least expect or want it


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## Sparkles422

allthegoodnamesaregone:

Oh boy I'm there with you. Been only with x and yikes in that department.

Maybe, just maybe it will feel natural with the right person. Hang onto that I will.


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## Sparkles422

dean: I have spoken to older, divorced women and they say they don't want to marry again and they like living alone and they're not about to change that.

I'm blown away, being divorced and female, by their answers. They are not angry or resigned it's just a fact of life statement and they're not really even interested in the question.

Weird.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone

That's what I'm hoping, I don't want to dissolve in a puddle of tears, or pull back at the last minute because I'm upset. For me I know it's going to be difficult no matter how much time passes.


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## Freak On a Leash

I've been living separately from my husband for a year with my two kids and I LOVE IT. My not wanting to be involved with someone else has nothing to do with the hurt and anger or pain I've gone though. I've certainly had my share of abuse and I'm not a trusting sort of person to begin with. I've learned some hard lessons but I'm not one to dwell. What happened is done and over with and I'm moving on.

Personally I think anyone who has gone through the traumatic break up of a long term relationship should take a breather for awhile and refrain from active dating until they get their head and heart straight. Rebound situations rarely work out for anyone. I made that mistake myself years ago and had 22 years of a bad marriage to remind me of that mistake.  

Right now,it's just about me BEING HAPPIER by myself.  Whether I stay married with my husband or we go our separate ways I don't see living with anyone else again. If I stay married with my husband, I like how things are right now. We are friends and enjoy each other's company but we do far better living apart then living together. 

I do my thing and he does his. There's no more yelling, nagging or bickering. There's no more anger or expectations. If there is a problem, we can each retreat into our own cave. It works really well. So even if we were to stay together for another 20 years I don't see us living together because I like the way things are now A LOT. At first I thought I liked it because it was such a relief to be alone after all the crap I'd been through, but I've figured it out. I just like being on my own. 

If we were to end our marriage (right now we have no plans to do that) I have my two kids here with me. My oldest is going to college soon but my youngest is 14 and I would never complicate their lives or mine with active dating and bringing in a parade of boyfriends. I'm definitely not into subjecting my kids into that scene. 

When the time came and I was on my own I could see dating for fun but NO WAY would I want to take it to the next level. No one is leaving their stuff or toothbrush at my place and vice versa. No way will I answer to or give in to someone else's demands or be hassled about the things I want to do. 

Basically I just LOVE the single lifestyle. For most of my marriage I always felt like a caged animal, like a square peg in a round hole. I always wondered if it were me or just the way things were but now I've figured it out. I WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE MARRIED. I should never have gotten married.

I love being on my own. I don't get lonely or bored or depressed being by myself. I always find things to do. I have hobbies, friends, clubs I've joined and I work so I enjoy my "downtime". Just hanging out and reading a good book or listening to music is good by me. 

It's a good thing for my kids that I didn't figure it out 20 years ago because they wouldn't be here. Given the chance to live life again, I'd never do the marriage/heavy commitment bit again and I never will. 

But I love having my kids in my life so it's good that I don't have that chance to "redo". The idea of not having my kids in my life would sadden me greatly. But I won't be doing marriage again in the future. 

That said, I would enjoy a good "Friend with Benefits". That might be my husband if/when we can work things out. If not, I'm not one to sleep around at all so that's a limiting factor in a good way IMO. Only time will tell and the jury is still out on that. Right now I'm happy and content to just enjoy my freedom and my life and as for sex, fortunately we live in an age where there are all sorts of ways to "go at it alone". Not quite the same but it's better than sleeping around with strangers and getting all emotionally tangled up. Healthier too. :smthumbup:


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## allthegoodnamesaregone

Freak On a Leash, I'm the exact opposite of you, my marriage up until this year brought me great joy and I loved being married the majority of the time until my wife went MLC. Mind you I did not get married until I was almost 34, so I had a lot of that "the grass is greener" and being on my own stuff out of my system. I never liked being on my own all that much, did it for 18 years and there is only so much you can get out of clubs and hobbies. I'm giving it a year before I get "Back at it", at 56 I don't want to waste anymore time than that pining for what's done and gone..


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## southbound

I've been divorced for about a year, and I am not interested in another relationship. My reasons and attitude, however, is probably different from most here. I actually thought I had a great marriage. Then, after 18 years, my wife isn't happy and apparently hasn't been for several years basically because I am too laid back for her.

Since I had what i thought was a great marriage, I think that if relationships are this complicated, that one party can think things are great, and then after 18 years discover you haven't been cutting the mustard for your partner, that is just too much for me. Everything fell into place in the beginning, and even being 20 years wiser, I still can't look back and identify any red flags that indicated we were wrong for each other. So, no thank you. ; I don't want another "job." I don't want to worry about whether I'm satisfying someone emotionally or playing a game that I don't have a rule book to.

One thing I have going for me is that I don't get lonely just because I'm not around somebody all the time. It's actually very relaxing and stress free coming home to an empty house and being able to do what i want. I've discovered that I enjoy doing what i want when I want. 

After reading various posts on this forum for the past year, I find that relationships are even more complicated than I thought. I read some issues and complaints and think, "Is that really an issue for two mature adults?" Come on!!

So, I'm fine without a relationship.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone

I can see your point southbound, the whole WAW/MLC thing really puts one off the idea of marriage. It's hard to reconcile going through old love notes from just a couple of years ago that indicate things were great with the "I never loved you crap" we got in the last few months of a marriage. I don't think I'll marry again, still I would like to have some sort of long term relationship...with all the 180 activities I've engaged in this last five months, such as weight training , rowing cycling and Yoga I'm down to what I weighed in High school and I'm almost as randy;~)


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## Scannerguard

So it sounds like no one wants the pitfalls and risks and work of a relationship, or are not ready. But if they could instantly puff one out of thin air, they would.

Is there anyone out there like me, who is on the cusp of concluding that they are just happy being alone?

Alone but not lonesome or lonely?

I've tried to break up about 3x with this current woman I am seeing and she (little ******) keeps worming her way back in (she is a sweetie). She says it's unnatural to want to be alone and thinks I need therapy or something for wanting that.

I am not so sure. . .I know every man and woman think it's a line ("It's not you."), but. . it's not. . .yes, I think I may be *unable* to attach myself to someone again. . .but I think I am at peace with that.

I used to think I was a dog.

Maybe I am more wired like a cat. . .


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## Scannerguard

Interesting parallel topic. . .I guess I'll start another one. . .


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## Jellybeans

Scannerguard said:


> Is there anyone out there like me, who is on the cusp of concluding that they are just happy being alone?
> 
> Alone but not lonesome or lonely?
> 
> *I've tried to break up about 3x with this current woman I am seeing and she *(little ******) keeps worming her way back in (she is a sweetie). She says it's unnatural to want to be alone and thinks I need therapy or something for wanting that.


Eh, she sounds like a stage 5 clinger. If I tried to dump someone 3x and they kept hanging out, it would turn me off.

There is nothing wrong with the way you think. Some people prefer to be alone. And there is nothing wrong with that. I have an uncle who walked out on his wife some eons ago. They were in their 20s there. He's about 60 now. He said it was not for him and he would never remarry. He never did. In fact, I don't eve remember seeing him with any woman after that. His ex-wife went on to meet a very great man and marry him and is happy now. 

Marriage/coupledom isn't for everyone. Fact of life. 



Sparkles422 said:


> dean: I have spoken to older, divorced women and they say they don't want to marry again and they like living alone and they're not about to change that.
> 
> I'm blown away, being divorced and female, by their answers.


Why is that shocking to you? 



southbound said:


> I've been divorced for about a year, and I am not interested in another relationship. My reasons and attitude, however, is probably different from most here. I actually thought I had a great marriage. Then, after 18 years, my wife isn't happy and apparently hasn't been for several years basically because I am too laid back for her.
> 
> Since I had what i thought was a great marriage, I think that if relationships are this complicated, that one party can think things are great, and then after 18 years discover you haven't been cutting the mustard for your partner, that is just too much for me.


This is exactly how I feel re: marriage. And for this reason, I will never do it again.


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## Freak On a Leash

Scannerguard said:


> Is there anyone out there like me, who is on the cusp of concluding that they are just happy being alone?
> 
> Alone but not lonesome or lonely?


:iagree: *Raises hand* That would be me. I don't live alone. I have two kids but one is going off to college next year and the other is 14 and I have no problem with the idea of an "empty nest". So many parents seem to all apart when the kids leave but IMO it's just another part of life. I don't dwell on what was..I deal in what IS and look forward to what will be. 

Living sans children, I can scale down my expenses and save money, not work as hard and start traveling again. I have a lot of things I want to do and see. Yes, I plan to go at it alone. 

I've done a lot of things alone in the past 20 years. At first it was done because I was married to a guy who could care less about spending time with me..so I started doing stuff on my own rather than sit home. Then I started LIKING being alone. I don't mind it at all. I never really seem to get lonely. A lot of people are puzzled by that, especially if you are a woman. 

This past October I camped out by myself for 5 days. I had a great time but more than one person said "you are all alone? Doesn't that bother you?" I wonder if I would've been asked that if I'd been a man. :scratchhead: 

I always tell my daughter, if you are happy and content in your own company then you can be happy and content with someone else...But if you aren't happy with yourself then no one can bring you happiness. 



> I've tried to break up about 3x with this current woman I am seeing and she (little ******) keeps worming her way back in (she is a sweetie). She says it's unnatural to want to be alone and thinks I need therapy or something for wanting that.


Isn't it amazing how people project their own attitudes and feelings on someone else? Because SHE feels it's bad to be alone, therefore it must be bad for someone else? I have a hard time relating to people like that. If someone said that to me I'd just laugh right in their face. :rofl:

I can't stand clingy people. I like it when people want to spend time with me but when they get demanding then I get my back up. 

It's not that I CAN'T attach myself to someone else..it's that I choose not to.


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## TheMizz...erable

Well I've been divorced for two weeks and one lady is already getting serious. But it's way too soon for me. So I told her(again) but I don't want to hurt her feelings. She's been divorced for 12 years so she is more than ready. It's just that...I'm not ready.


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## ing

Oh ****** it..
I have been seeing someone for several months. We are both around a year of major relationship breakups. [10 months, 14 months] 
We both have kids, we both worry about it being "too soon" we both worry about it being a rebound, we both have a truckload of baggage each and we both have to don the helmet and flak jacket to deal with our respective Ex partners. 

I even told her we should not see each other because it was too soon.She agreed and complied _because its sensible._ Yesterday I had a realisation.

I like being with her
I like supporting her, and her me when the sh1t hits the fan.
I feel good when I am with her. 
I feel wanted [boy, do I feel wanted]
I feel like I won the lottery against all the odds. 

She doesn't have a selfish bone in her body. 

Maybe its just two people who have been crapped all over finding consolation in each others arms, but it feels more real the more time goes on. Not less.

So this Christmas I am saying yes to life, and I'm saying yes to laughing in the face of it. 

Because your a long time dead


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## Oak

If you have no interest in a relationship then it is perfectly healthy to stay away from them.

What scares me are the people that force themselves into relationships because that expression of seeming stability is how they define happiness. If you are not ready, learn to be comfortable being single; there are plenty of aspects of the single life that are quite enjoyable 

That said, as a divorced male with no children I definitely walked away knowing I would want a relationship in the future. 

I married young and unfortunately there is a reason those statistics do not lie...Growing as a young person into adulthood with someone who is doing the same thing, while also trying to learn what you both truly want out of the relationship is incredibly challenging. 

Being left after 9 years with virtually no warning was immensely painful and the hardest thing I have ever had to endure, BUT I never felt like the time I spent was fake, or wasted. 

I learned multitudes from the mistakes I made, once I was able to acknowledge them. No one is perfect and we cannot be expected to get everything right all the time. What I feel really matters is just how honestly you can communicate with your partner. Before divorce I thought I knew what that meant...now I understand just how little I knew. 

I do not ever want to be in a position where my relationship solely defines who I am, or how happy I can be...but yes I am in one and it is extremely fulfilling.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

Malibu17 said:


> it helps mask the pain (rebound) of their prior failed relationship.


i feel like this is where im at now.


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## Runs like Dog

I have so little tolerance for other people's bulls^it at this point I would just scare them off.


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## talaash

I am still married, am considering divorce/separation, but I found this thread amazing. I am in a situation where my wife has been away for 10 months (studying abroad) and I have fallen in love with my solitude during this time. Don't have a great marriage (separate thread, won't repeat here).

It's comforting to find out that I am not a freak for enjoying solitude.


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## foxtrot11

Hi everyone, 

I'm glad to be reminded by such Forums that I'm not the only one who feels no interest in a future relationship. Of course everyone has their own specific story to tell describing their own reasons to justify their own feelings. As for me personally, apart from my counselor I have no friends or relatives I can confide in who will be impartial or supportive so I'm basically going through my feelings alone and would like to share them with other people who can be impartial. The following is my story to describe why I -at this time in my life at least - feel like I never want a serious relationship again. 

I feel like I never want to enter another relationship after my current divorce. I am actually in the middle of divorce proceedings with my wife of 16 years (my first proper girlfriend) and should receive the decree absolute in the next 3 months. It was far from being a bombshell announcement from my wife that she wanted a divorce. She's being suggesting we separate or divorce for the last 8 years and now finally I've woken up and acknowledged she has actually meant it all this time and it wasn't just her talking as a result of stress or other things. Yes of course the last 8 years hasn't been all doom and gloom but it hasn't been a bed of roses either. Strangely, during these last 8 years, my wife has told me that she wouldn't exchange me for anyone (in a joking way of course) and has often said that I have the appearance of someone 10 years younger and the body many twenty something year old men strive for, but she still asked for a divorce. Okay, yes I know appearance is not that important in a relationship, at least not as important as communication and more importantly a willingness to communicate and understand your partner's feelings,needs and wants etc.. 

Sadly, at the flick of a switch my wife decided 8 years ago, one year before our second child was conceived, that she was no longer interested in sex. It's amazing then how we now have a second child.Joking aside, in reality we simply started to grow apart when our first child turned six. We grew apart through lack of time spent with each other as a couple. We have ALWAYS been made to feel like inadequate selfish parents by BOTH sets of grandparents for even wanting to spend some time together as husband and wife without the children. My parents live abroad and I live in the same country as my wife's parents. Whenever we have visited my parents my father especially ( a REAL NASTY piece of work) has suggested that my wife and I are not decent parents for wanting to go out on occasion without our children. Sadly my mother -in law is just as nasty as my father.

Anyway, so a very real lack of time spent together had a major impact on our relationship. You're probably wondering right now whether we employed babysitters. The answer is no because as you can imagine babysitters are very expensive for an entire weekend or long 3 day weekend. Our friends who had children were never available to babysit and of course any friend who didn't have children wasn't comfortable babysitting for more than a day. 

It sad that now as we are waiting for the divorce to be complete my wife's social schedule is busy and mine a complete zero as I'm always at home looking after our children and doing the housework etc. in addition to work. I have allowed this to go on for at least 3 months prior to when she filed for a divorce and I will let it continue until the decree absolute arrives in 3 months time. Why? Simply to let her have her space and fun because then it's my turn to start living my life a little or a lot, whichever time, work and family commitments allow.
I'm in the process of furnishing a flat I am renting not far from where my wife and I currently live so I can continue raising my children for at least the next couple of years when at least my son will be legally old enough to know for sure whether he does want to come abroad with me to live. My son has traveled and stayed abroad with me every summer so he is used to the situation of his own free will. He has already said on numerous occasions that he would rather be with me as we are very close but I would like to allow him plenty of time to think about it again in a few years time when he will be fourteen. Even then I don't want to put ANY pressure on him to decide between me my wife and his sister and I am quite prepared to let him stay with his mother. It's just that I am not happy in my wife's country, never have been and never really will be. I see know real future or opportunities for me as a westerner in one specific Eastern European country. My wife has never really wanted to leave her country. 

So basically, I left everything I had in my own country 19 years ago to start a new life abroad, to be told a year after arriving that she no longer loved me, then stupidly ( now in retrospect) married her 2 her years later, being told 8 years ago that she no longer wanted sex and now finally we are getting divorced. How STUPID was I. I was the one who even hesitated at first giving up everything when we first met just to be with her. I took a big risk then and now at 43 I don't feel like taking such a large risk again. Thankfully I have some money saved and my wife is not the type to constantly ask for money, some of which I've put aside for my children's education. 

So this is my story to help explain why I feel like never having a future relationship.


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## cloudwithleggs

When i start dating next year it will be for sex only i don't want a relationship.


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## xirokx

never married but after a 5 year relationship I dont care how beautiful she is I just want to run and keep running...

Despite that I really do like female companionship...

I also enjoy being a romantic...

They say never say never

I just have so much to work through for me, what I need is good friends...maybe a friend with benefits at some stage perhaps we can help eachother...


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## EnjoliWoman

I can't imagine giving up on ever feeling in love and spending the rest of my days alone. Maybe being an eternal optimist? I sure did enjoy my solitude after divorce as well as the affirmation of my attractiveness when I dated but in the end I knew I was looking for marriage again.


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## Jellybeans

EnjoliWoman said:


> I can't imagine giving up on ever feeling in love and spending the rest of my days alone. Maybe being an eternal optimist?


Or an eternal masochist. Kidding. 



xirokx said:


> never married but after a 5 year relationship* I dont care how beautiful she is I just want to run and keep running...*


I like this.



cloudwithleggs said:


> When i start dating next year it will be for sex only i don't want a relationship.


Ha! At least you know what you want. Just make sure you let your potential dating partners know what the score is ahead of time. Oh and, wrap it up


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## 3Xnocharm

I got to marry my first love ever...it doesnt get any bigger than that. I dont hold out hope for any future involvement.


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## EnjoliWoman

3Xacharm said:


> I got to marry my first love ever...it doesnt get any bigger than that. I dont hold out hope for any future involvement.


Don't put it on a pedestal. You never know - it may very well get 'bigger' than that.


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