# Advice



## DaveM7227

Good afternoon all, 

My name is David, and ultimately looking for a little unbiased advice/thoughts. 

I've been with this "wife" for about 3.5 years, married for one. When I met her, she was telling me how she's getting out of an abusive marriage, where the husband was always assaulting her. Ignoring the red flag of why is she dating so early then when not even divorced, I decided I wanted to try and protect her and be there for her, as we hit it off. 

Things starting off pretty good, although there were other red flags that kept popping up as well. Hind sight is 20/20. I found out during the struggles w her husband, she was also in the process of losing custody of her daughter. Apparently the daughter talked back, and she struck her in the face. About 6 months into the relationship, guess who was next.. Me. She punched me in the face during an argument. So fast forward to the marriage, and yes there was more abuse on her end. We found out she was pregnant, before the wedding. A week afterwards, she wanted to go to a concert, which ended late. She comes home around midnight, and instantly started screaming about how I should've waited up for her since she was pregnant. I tried, happened to fall asleep while laying down and watching TV. She was 7 weeks at that point. Next thing I know, she bashed my work laptop over my head, multiple times, leaving injuries. I called the cops out of straight panic as she looked like she wanted to kill me. Charges were pressed my the state, but didnt stand as I didn't want to see her in jail. 

So, she ended up having a miscarriage. I ended up looking through her 11 year olds phone one time, as I believe a step parent should have a right to do, to check up on things. I ended up getting yelled at for looking through his phone. But the kicker is, the message I found. It states " He told my mom that she deserved for the baby to die".. Which those words NEVER came out of my mouth. Who ends up getting punished for the whole thing, me. 

Now, I'm not going to sit here and tell ya'll I'm innocent. I can get loud during arguments. And she did find some text messages to my sons mother, who she didn't want me to have any contact with whatsoever. The messages were mainly about my son, and my dying father, as she was close to him. Nothing sexual, no flirting at all. So she found these messages, and next thing I know I'm out of the house. I'm cheating she said. 

I finally decided I've had enough, and told her i was filing for divorce. What does she do, beats me to the punch, and files herself, also files a bogus domestic violence charge against me that the judge denied 3 times. She gave me a silent treatment for 2 months, and then came out of nowhere inviting me back to the house for a day. Had a blast, hung out in the pool, took her to dinner and beach, and things were good in the bedroom that night. I'm heading out of town the following day for work and we talked for awhile. So we talked for about a couple of weeks afterwards, then get another silent treatment. I haven't heard from her in almost 3 months, and we have our first divorce hearing next week. 

As I mentioned, I'm not perfect, but I know I loved her, and honestly, still do. This is my first divorce. Is it normal for someone to just completely cut off the spouse during them? I married because I was committed to her, and I don't believe in divorces. What was just said is 100% the truth, I have no reason to lie, as I don't know any of you. Please give me some thoughts / opinions on this situation. 

Thanks guys, and hope ya'll have a blessed evening. 

(Hope it all makes sense)


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## EleGirl

Yes, it's normal for a person to have no contact with a person they are divorcing and after the divorce is final. That's the idea of a divorce, to end all contact.

You married an abusive, lying woman who is willing to file false domestic violence charges against you. But you still love her? 

You need to love yourself enough to protect yourself from her. How do you do that? Have no contact with her until all your feelings for her are gone. That's how it's done.

Did you grow up in a home where there was domestic violence? I'm wonder why you would accept being a victim of domestic violence.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Sounds like you are coming out of this pretty much unscathed except for the scars. Get a lawyer, and thank your luck stars, this crazy woman is out of your life!!


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## She'sStillGotIt

DaveM7227 said:


> I finally decided I've had enough, and told her i was filing for divorce. What does she do, beats me to the punch, and files herself, also files a bogus domestic violence charge against me that the judge denied 3 times. She gave me a silent treatment for 2 months, and then came out of nowhere inviting me back to the house for a day. Had a blast, hung out in the pool, took her to dinner and beach, and things were good in the bedroom that night. I'm heading out of town the following day for work and we talked for awhile. So we talked for about a couple of weeks afterwards, then get another silent treatment. I haven't heard from her in almost 3 months, and we have our first divorce hearing next week.


Well, you asked for our opinions and God knows I don't sugarcoat.

I have to admit when I got to the part I quoted here, I simply said out loud, "what the hell is WRONG with this guy?" She punches you in the face and you STILL marry this whack-job. She then bashes your damned computer* over your head* several times causing serious injuries and you STILL go back to Typhoid Mary???? 

I just have to ask - how desperate _are_ you? After all the abuse, the lies, the dysfunction and the complete horror she brought to your life on a daily basis, she calls you out of the blue after ignoring you for 2 months and you go running over there like a starving stray dog desperate for a pat on the head. WT actual F? 

I can only assume you're a glutton for punishment.


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## DaveM7227

Actually, yes, I was abused as a child.


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## Rubix Cubed

> I married because I was committed to her, and I don't believe in divorces.


Well, that's one of you. It takes 2 and if you don't have both trying to make it work, it won't. You made a dreadfully bad choice in picking your abusive wife. Do you really want to live the rest of your days with her escalating violence over some misguided ideal that "you don't believe in divorce"? The ONLY thing she ever did for you that is in your best interest is beat you to the punch on the divorce, so you can't stay in the relationship as a punching bag and a doormat. So count your blessings get her gone and out of your life as quick as possible. She is obviously psychotic. I'll be very surprised that in a year or two you won't look back and think this divorce was the best thing that ever happened to you. You also need to start working on your "picker" so you don't let this happen again. Believe all the red flags next time.

e.t.a.


> Actually, yes, I was abused as a child.


 See a therapist to help you with this and to help with your picker repair. Get yourself healthy mentally and physically before you try to get in another relationship.


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## StarFires

Love doesn't disappear just because the person you love hurts you. It's usually those hurtful acts that make the feelings of love seem more intense because of all the dopamine and other hormones it causes to run wild in your brain. It gives you a fierce need to be with that person called hysterical bonding. You had good intentions but you now have to re-read all this crap that she did to you and realize you are better off without her. It's hard to fight through those intense feelings of love, but know that they are artificial because nobody should love someone who is abusive and they can't trust. What you do or don't believe in has nothing to do with the circumstances. Not believing in divorce can't make your marriage work unless you're willing to continually endure her abuse and lies. There's no telling how much trouble you could end up in if you keep giving her opportunities to destroy you.


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## DaveM7227

Yes, I did ask for opinions.. 

After reading these replies, I'm sitting here thinking to myself, wtf.. You guys are all right.. I have a lot going for me. Decent looking guy, I'm expanding my Financial Planning practice to a new state, and have an amazing son that looks up to me. 

I honestly think I just heard that everything was my fault for the past 3 years, and it's planted into my head.. 

Love honesty, and as silly as it sounds, think this is what i needed..


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## Lila

DaveM7227 said:


> Yes, I did ask for opinions..
> 
> After reading these replies, I'm sitting here thinking to myself, wtf.. You guys are all right.. I have a lot going for me. Decent looking guy, I'm expanding my Financial Planning practice to a new state, and have an amazing son that looks up to me.
> 
> I honestly think I just heard that everything was my fault for the past 3 years, and it's planted into my head..
> 
> Love honesty, and as silly as it sounds, think this is what i needed..


I'm curious, what was it about her that made you want to continue to be with her even after she abused you?


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## StarFires

DaveM7227 said:


> I honestly think I just heard that everything was my fault for the past 3 years, and it's planted into my head..


It's a common trait among abusers to be especially adept at making their victims think the abuse is their own fault, that they, themselves, somehow caused the abuser to be abusive. But it's not true. You have to know there is nothing you ever did or said that cause her to do anything she did or said. And, there was nothing you could have done to prevent her from being abusive. She had to justify her actions, so she convinced you that you were the cause, but you never were. The objective of convincing you was to make you stick around so that she could keep abusing you.


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## DaveM7227

StarFires said:


> It's a common trait among abusers to be especially adept at making their victims think the abuse is their own fault, that they, themselves, somehow caused the abuser to be abusive. But it's not true. You have to know there is nothing you ever did or said that cause her to do anything she did or said. And, there was nothing you could have done to prevent her from being abusive. She had to justify her actions, so she convinced you that you were the cause, but you never were. The objective of convincing you was to make you stick around so that she could keep abusing you.


And the more I read, the more that makes sense. Something else I didn't include is we were laying in bed one night, and she told me she was diagnosed with bi polar. So as a financial advisor, i wanted to write a policy on her to cover the mortgage in the event something happened.. When that time come, she did not want to pursue when the app started asking about mental health conditions, and completely shut down. I asked her if it was because of her diagnosis, and she quickly said no, that was a misdiagnosis anyways..


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## Tilted 1

Abusers tell the abuse what they need to hear and yes they do believe the abuser. Get out and help your child, and yourself.


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## Casual Observer

DaveM7227 said:


> Yes, I did ask for opinions..
> 
> After reading these replies, I'm sitting here thinking to myself, wtf.. You guys are all right.. I have a lot going for me. Decent looking guy, I'm expanding my Financial Planning practice to a new state, and have an amazing son that looks up to me.
> 
> I honestly think I just heard that everything was my fault for the past 3 years, and it's planted into my head..
> 
> Love honesty, and as silly as it sounds, think this is what i needed..


The divorce isn't coming soon enough. My only concern is for the woman's daughter. If child protective services (or whatever the relevant agency would be) isn't involved yet, they should be. I doubt the physical abuse you experienced was limited to you alone. She may lash out at her daughter now, claiming somehow that the divorce is the daughter's fault.


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## StarFires

DaveM7227 said:


> And the more I read, the more that makes sense. Something else I didn't include is we were laying in bed one night, and she told me she was diagnosed with bi polar. So as a financial advisor, i wanted to write a policy on her to cover the mortgage in the event something happened.. When that time come, she did not want to pursue when the app started asking about mental health conditions, and completely shut down. I asked her if it was because of her diagnosis, and she quickly said no, that was a misdiagnosis anyways..


She uses words to her advantage. Even when there doesn't seem like any specific benefit to her, she says things and lies about things for her own sake. If, for example, she were applying to receive money, such as SSD, I bet she would use her diagnosis as the basis for approval. But a person can't necessarily see the personal benefit to a life insurance policy. And if it wasn't life insurance, like a long-term disability policy for example, or a rider to the mortgage loan, then securing the mortgage becomes secondary to having to document something with such a stigma that could come back on her later. Either way, it has to benefit her without consequences. There are a lot of mentally ill people who recognize their illness and a lot who utterly refuse. Even after official diagnosis, they refuse to accept it or admit it. What I've noticed about the people I met who were diagnosed bi-polar is that they use it to their advantage all the time. Whenever they do something or say something they know they shouldn't, they always claim "It was because I'm bi-polar" as if daring anyone to hold them accountable because of that. According to them, their behavior was always supposed to be dismissed without challenge because there can't be any consequences. If they were challenged, they'd make it seem like the person was somehow triggering their bi-polar. They made sure there is no way to win and no way to hold them accountable. They made sure "my bi-polar" trumped everything. Maybe your wife hasn't figured that part out yet, but she's just as diabolical her own ways. She's making sure there are no consequences to being bi-polar.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

All the advice I have for you can be summed up in one word....RUN! That woman is bat**** crazy.


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## DaveM7227

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> All the advice I have for you can be summed up in one word....RUN! That woman is bat**** crazy.


And I think that's the perfect ending to this thread. Thank you all.


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## DaveM7227

To a new beginning


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## Spicy

> I've been with this "wife" for about 3.5 years, married for one.


How many wives before her were there?


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## She'sStillGotIt

DaveM7227 said:


> And the more I read, the more that makes sense. Something else I didn't include is we were laying in bed one night, and she told me she was diagnosed with bi polar.


I suspected that the minute I read about the physical abuse.

I've known several men who had to get the hell outta Dodge when they couldn't take their bipolar violent wives anymore. One guy I know literally got dragged across the living carpet *by his hair* because she believed he was cheating on her. He locked himself in the bathroom to get away from her and she literally broke down the door to get at him. He couldn't divorce her fast enough.

OP, I really hope you're wise enough to know better than to go running back if she calls again. She is literal *poison.*


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## CraigBesuden

DaveM7227 said:


> Good afternoon all,
> 
> My name is David, and ultimately looking for a little unbiased advice/thoughts.
> 
> I've been with this "wife" for about 3.5 years, married for one. * When I met her, she was telling me how she's getting out of an abusive marriage, where the husband was always assaulting her. Ignoring the red flag of why is she dating so early then when not even divorced, * I decided I wanted to try and protect her and be there for her, as we hit it off.


To me, the mere fact that she’s supposedly in an abusive relationship is a red flag. I’m not surprised that she’s crazy and an abuser.

IRL, I see this happen all the time. The bad person blames the other party. I know women who repeatedly break up or divorce. Some always accuse the man of molestation to get custody.

Also, a guy who says all his exs were crazy. Red flag. He’s the common denominator.

Get out, get out, get out. She already tried to make you out as an abuser. This will end badly if you stay.


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## DaveM7227

Spicy said:


> How many wives before her were there?


She was my first< i was her third.. Yes, yet another flag


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## EleGirl

DaveM7227 said:


> Yes, I did ask for opinions..
> 
> After reading these replies, I'm sitting here thinking to myself, wtf.. You guys are all right.. I have a lot going for me. Decent looking guy, I'm expanding my Financial Planning practice to a new state, and have an amazing son that looks up to me.
> 
> I honestly think I just heard that everything was my fault for the past 3 years, and it's planted into my head..
> 
> Love honesty, and as silly as it sounds, think this is what i needed..


It's not silly at all! 

Sometimes we lose sight of things and it helps to have someone point out to us that we are worth so much and have the power to not be in a bad relationship.

It sounds like you have a lot going for you and you are lucky to have a son how loves you. Good for you!


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## EleGirl

DaveM7227 said:


> Actually, yes, I was abused as a child.


If figured this was the case. A person who was abused as a child often normalizes abuse and allows it in their adult relationships.

This is something you are going to have to learn to protect yourself from.

I was in an abusive relationship for about 14 years. When I left him it got into counseling. During the intake appointment, the counselor asked what I hoped to get out of therapy. I told her that I wanted to learn why I picked an a abuser to marry.

Her response was that the answer is easy. I did not pick him, he picked me. What she told me is that abusers look for people who allow themselves to be abused. In the beginning of a relationship, the abuser will do little tests. A person who has good boundaries will drop the abuser like a bad potato the first time they demonstrated even the smallest bit of abuse. A person who has weak boundaries will make excuses for the abuser and stay. As time goes on, the abuser keeps upping their little tests. Basically the abuser ends up in a relationship with the last person standing... the one who puts up with the abuse and makes excuses. In my case, that was me... :frown2:

That was one of the most helpful things any counselor ever told me. It turned things around for me. I learned how to set boundaries. A boundary is a rule you live by that states what you will not allow in your life. 

For example "I will not be with a person who puts me down.", "I will not be with a person who is threatening or physically abusive." Now, in a relationship where the other person does either of those ONCE I'm out of there. I dump them. 

There are about 3.5 billion women in this world. You can find one who would be trilled to have a great guy like you and who will treat you like gold.


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