# Article for Cheaters on how to rebuild trust



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair: 11 steps - wikiHow

How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair
Edited byDanine Manette and 

The discovery of marital infidelity, simply put, is an "extremely devastating experience." Marital infidelity can be many things: sexual involvement with another person, secret Internet relationships, or the secret exchange of e-mails, text messages and phone conversations. It may involve a friend, acquaintance, or a complete stranger. Whether the extra-marital cheating is a passionate sexual affair or an emotional affair, it will greatly undermine the trust in your marriage. Even though many marriages can recover from such deceit and betrayal, sometimes the damage done is simply too great to overcome.
The speed and degree of recovery is usually dictated by the behavior and actions of the spouse who cheated. They are, after all, the one who brought an outsider into the marital union. However, the unfaithful spouse often has no idea what to do, or how to behave, in order to help rebuild trust in the relationship. These steps will help those who are serious about healing their marriage.
1. Stop lying or making excuses for your actions. If the victim spouse presents evidence of the affair, own up to it. You need to understand that the worst thing that could happen has already occurred. You were dishonest and unfaithful. Therefore, continuing to lie, twist, or deny is simply adding insult to injury. If you are looking your spouse in the eye and claiming to want the marriage to work then you cannot continue to lie about various odds and ends. You have been lying to your spouse for the entire duration of the affair; therefore, if you continue to lie now, it sets the reconciliation process way back. The victim spouse likely knows the answers to the questions they are asking, or can usually find out, so if you are interested in rebuilding trust in the relationship, STOP LYING. If your spouse discovers later - either on purpose or by accident - that you have lied about or left out salient details, they will likely never trust you again. Your only hope of regaining their trust is to give them the truth wholesale, and thus demonstrate your commitment to being honest with them, even about things that might hurt them. You are kidding yourself if you think you are protecting your spouse by "omitting" certain truths. If you had wanted to protect your spouse, you never would have allowed them to get hurt in the first place. 

2. Be around. While emotional availability in the days, weeks, and even months following the discovery of your affair is of the utmost importance, keep in mind that you can only be emotionally available when you're around. Understand that, left alone, your spouse's thoughts will begin to eat away at them - they will have questions you are not there to answer, torment themselves with images you cannot dispel, and invent suspicions your absence will only worsen. Paranoia is only natural during this time; in fact, it can hardly be called paranoia, as they are right to mistrust you - you have betrayed them deeply. Being around to answer their questions and soothe their thoughts will keep them from building up and causing future explosions down the road. If it is possible, this may be a good time to take some time away from your normal "alone" activities to spend with your spouse. If you can't be with them physically, keep your phone on whenever possible to answer their calls, and allow them as much access to you as they need. Depending on your spouse's temperament, you may need to respect their desire for time alone, but you need to keep yourself available to them. 

3. DO NOT get defensive or assign blame. This is not the time to employ the old adage of “the best defense is a good offense.” This is the time to be contrite/regretful, remorseful, empathetic, compassionate, honest, and emotionally available. Do not say anything which will give the impression that the victim spouse drove you to cheat, or in any way contributed to your behavior. There will be plenty of time to pass the blame around later on during counseling sessions, or during times of productive conversation with your mate. Additionally, DO NOT waste time blaming the affair on anyone or anything else. DO NOT point the finger toward temptation, being under the influence or falling prey to a stalker or that he/she was someone that you came in contact with at work or via a friend. You should have no room for excuses anymore. Telling your spouse you did not realize what was happening is not only bogus, it devalues the victim spouse. The victim spouse will see right through these excuses and will view this as another attempt to keep them in the dark while you continue playing them for a fool. The best way to effectively deal with your spouse's anger, and start the process of rebuilding trust, is to take complete and full ownership of your own selfishness, immaturity, or basic destructive marital behavior. Remind yourself that it is quite possible that the victim spouse was enduring similar feelings of unhappiness or frustration, but instead made a conscious decision not to betray you. 

4. Treat your spouse as if they are the very center of your world. While you should do this anyway, it is of monumental importance that you focus on this IMMEDIATELY following the discovery of the affair. This is a critical time in the recovery of your relationship; dedicate yourself to it. Being cheated on will make your spouse feel rejected, unimportant, and decidedly less than "special." Regardless of your reasons or given situation, your spouse will be under the rightful impression that you have chosen someone over them, which is a difficult thing for them to face after years of thinking they were the most important person in your life, (this is especially true if you were involved in a long term relationship). Giving your spouse your full attention during this time will help them to regain the feelings of importance in your life, and will go a long way towards convincing them that you are unlikely to choose somebody over them again. If you can, also show and tell to other people and the world even more how much you care or love your spouse in order to help the victim spouse overcome all the humiliation and hurt this burden may have caused. 
5. CUT any and ALL possible ties with the other man/woman. Keeping a person in your life with whom you have had an affair is like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube. Not only is this a confusing message to the other person, it is also EXTREMELY DISRESPECTFUL to your spouse. It does not matter if you have known this other man/woman since kindergarten, or have to see this person at work. It is time to break those ties. Do what you must to avoid any contact. Convincing yourself that you need to talk to them to 'break it off' only communicates that their feelings, not your spouse's, are what you are most concerned about. Once you have allowed another individual to permeate, invade or undermine your marital union, there is no place for this person in your life. You simply cannot expect your victim spouse to move past the affair as long as you continue communicating with, seeing, or having any type of relationship with this other man/woman. It is in fact an insult to the intelligence of your current spouse for you to say that you can maintain a professional, platonic, or otherwise innocent relationship with this destructive individual. Furthermore, because this person had an affair with a married man/woman, your current spouse knows they have absolutely NO RESPECT for your marriage. Continuing to work with, hang out with, email or chat with this person is probably the single worst possible thing to do if you are wanting to repair your marriage. This is the time to figure out which relationship is the most important to you, either your marriage or the relationship with the other man/woman, and behave accordingly. You simply cannot drive in two lanes at once....ever. 

6. Your life MUST be an open book. You no longer have the luxury of coming and going as you please. Once you have abused that privilege, it takes a while and a whole lot of effort to get it back. Therefore, if you will be late coming home from work, or have had a change in plans, inform your spouse. Every time you leave the house your spouse is now wondering if you are going where you say you are going. The best way to ease their insecurities is to check in throughout the day. Invite your spouse places you usually go alone like to the game, the gym or the mall. Let your spouse know that you have nothing to hide. Additionally, do not hide your cell phone or set the ringer on silent. If your spouse requests, give them your email and voice mail pass codes. In fact, if you have nothing to hide then offer your spouse the codes without them having to ask. Don't lock your cell phone, call log or address book. Offer to let your spouse see your phone bills, and keep the credit card or bank statements in plain view on the kitchen table. Although your spouse may never choose to check these things, the simple fact that you made them available for his/her perusal will be a HUGE step in regaining their trust. Although you may feel as though some of these are a violation of your privacy, you need to know that these steps are absolutely NECESSARY if you are trying to rebuild trust. Saying that you are on the straight and narrow while continuing to hide your cell phone or spending is counterproductive to your stated goal of wanting to rebuild your marriage. 

7. Be prepared to answer any and all questions about information that your spouse has a legitimate right to know. Your spouse is going to want lots of details and ask questions about things you may not want to answer, but too bad. Your spouse is going to cross reference your prior stories and ask you to confirm if “this” or “that” was a lie. You simply need to fess up. The worse thing you can do is to conceal information because you don't want to hurt your spouse. Remember, they have already been hurt beyond belief, so continuing to withhold additional information gives the appearance of an attempt to continue the deception. Your spouse needs to get a general understanding of how intense the relationship was, and how long it lasted. Although this may be one of the most difficult steps in the process, it is one of the most important. It is extremely difficult for a betrayed spouse to know that there is another man/woman in the world who has more information about their marriage then themselves. That there are people that know about that relationship and may be talking about your marriage. Therefore, asking multiple questions helps the betrayed spouse get up to speed, thus obtaining necessary information to deal with feelings of being in the dark while their spouse was gallivanting or mooching around with their lover/relationship. 

8. Do not ever attempt to dictate the length of time the victim spouses recovery should take. You are the one who brought the outsider into the marriage, and therefore, you are in no position to dictate when the victim spouse should be “over it”. The truth of the matter is, the victim spouse will never fully be “over it”, but may simply learn how to mentally move past the affair. When a person is hurting, they typically share their pain with the closest person to them. As their spouse, you are the one they will vent to, even though it is you that caused the pain. Additionally, you may feel as though since you've confessed, apologized and vowed to remain faithful, things should now return to normal. That is simply NOT the case. One of the worst things that can happen is for the adulterous spouse to begin acting as though its “business as usual”. Deciding to remain in a relationship after your spouse has cheated is a Major decision and one which can be both very humiliating and enormously stressful. DO NOT downplay the GREAT MAGNITUDE of that decision by behaving as though nothing happened. For the next few years, the adulterous spouse needs to periodically wrap their arms around their mate, kiss them, and THANK them for another chance. Additionally, 'acknowledge' how much you hurt your spouse, how difficult it must be for them to get over the pain, and vow to do whatever necessary to make things better…forever. Although it may seem as though such actions will revive the pain, that is simply not the case. Acknowledging the degree of pain you put your spouse through, and expressing appreciation for another chance, gives the victim spouse the impression that you not only are mindful of their pain, but that as long as you are aware of their struggle to overcome the ordeal, you will be less likely to make such awful choices again in the future. 

9. Choose your battles wisely. Keep in mind that now is not necessarily the time to pick fights over certain topics, particularly those related to privacy and possessiveness. Your spouse is feeling betrayed and frightened; it is only natural for them in this state to project those fears onto situations that bear (in their mind) any resemblance to your affair. If a random stranger flirts with you, or buys you a drink at a bar, and your spouse becomes agitated, remember that your spouse has an understandable right to this possessiveness; you have shaken their feelings of security in the relationship, and it is openness and understanding that will gain this back, not combativeness and arguments. Rather than angrily asserting your rights, you will do much better to gain their trust by assuring them of their importance to you and soothing their bruised ego and wounded heart with compliments and understanding. 


10. Do not behave inappropriately or create future problems. Don't put yourself in situations which will cause your victim spouse undue stress. Putting your friends before your spouse, joining singles website, spending time with friends of opposite sex, or available singles, and forming relationships with them, is certainly not wise. Even with work relationships keep the conversations to a minimum, remember that this is how relationships begin or cross messages are sent. It is extremely selfish and disrespectful to your spouse. Additionally, make your spouse aware when you anticipate coming into contact with the other man/woman. If you suspect the other man/woman might be at the holiday party, let your spouse know in advance. Also, if you run into, or have contact with, the other man/woman unexpectedly, let your spouse know as soon as possible. Nothing is worse than finding out about contact with the other man/woman that the victim spouse did not know about. It gives the impression of further secrecy and deception. Trust me, it won't hurt your spouse to know the other man/woman is contacting you as much as it will hurt them to discover you hid that information. Believe me, during this time of broken trust, full disclosure is always the best route. 

11. Use this opportunity to create a new relationship with your spouse. Be open to opportunities to bring each other closer together. Remember that your spouse now views your relationship as broken, and they're right to think so. The key, then, is to forge a new relationship in as many ways as possible. Finding new places to spend time and share activities together will help this. Make sure that he or she and everyone around you (i.e.family, friends, children) can see that your spouse means the world to you and is NOW being put first in your life. Speak highly of your spouse in a genuine way, being careful to protect their reputation when you speak to others--talking badly about them behind their backs is not only a BIG MISTAKE but also BAD BEHAVIOR (it may also reflect badly on you as their spouse). You and your spouse (and your children) are one family that must always protect, support, and lift each other up all the time especially from strangers and NOT the other way around. This may even be an opportunity, in the fullness of time and once the recovery process is very well on its way, to renew your wedding vows. Help your partner to see that you have created something new, stronger, and therefore not threatened by the sins of your past or the likelihood of future infidelities. 
Also, schedule an appointment with a good counselor as soon as possible, so the two of you can discuss your problems with an experienced counselor who can help you both repair the marriage. 
Remember that the days and weeks immediately following the discovery of the affair are of vital importance, and your actions during this time will greatly determine the speed of your recovery. If your spouse feels supported, loved, respected, and safe discussing his/her feelings during this time, your chances of recovery will be greatly improved. If, on the other hand, your spouse feels alone, ignored, and in the dark, it will be much more difficult to reestablish their trust later. 
If your spouse asks you to do something for them to help them recover from the affair (such as read this article, if they have indeed posted it on the fridge), do it right away. Do not make them ask twice. Putting off such things only communicates to your spouse that their feelings are unimportant to you, and that you lack the proper remorse for what you've done. Nothing should be more important to you right now than helping your spouse recover from this. You caused this pain and should be doing everything in your power to make it up to him/her. 
One important factor to keep in mind is that, even though your spouse will ask you to compare them to the other man/woman (was she prettier/sexier, etc), they are also interested in knowing how they are better than the other person, even if they don't directly ask. In fact, many of these questions are disguised opportunities for you to tell them so. In other words, balance something good about the other person with something you liked better about your spouse. 
Pay close attention to your spouse. Your spouse has (probably) never been through this before, and may be too distraught to articulate what s/he needs. It is, in part, your responsibility to try to predict/account for these needs. Whenever possible, avoid making your spouse ask you for things they need from you during this time; doing so puts them in a weak position, and they're already weak enough. Remember: just because they're not bringing it up, doesn't mean it's not on their mind. Be as proactive as possible. Ask them if they are eating, sleeping, drinking water and if they are okay. These things may seem like the basic things in life however your spouse is in a traumatic state and will most likely not be functioning normally. 
Be on the lookout for seemingly unrelated discussions that may be projections of this issue. Keep in mind that although you may be arguing passionately about who last did the dishes, you may actually be arguing about the affair in some tangential way though this should be discussed in a counseling session to be sure(i.e. how much time you dedicated to the relationship outside of your marriage). It is sometimes difficult to tell what factors will trigger your spouse's thoughts about the affair - in fact, your spouse may not even realize that they are projecting these issues onto seemingly day-to-day arguments. A good rule of thumb is to assume that any argument in which your spouse seems unduly angry about a seemingly small thing may fall into this category. If this happens, it's unwise to simply back down, as doing so may establish a submissive pattern you will regret later. However, keep in mind that your partner is in an 'unpredictable and tumultuous emotional state', and be as understanding as you can. 
Remember that the paranoia, anger, and distrust that follow the discovery of an affair are all natural, and may take a while to fully heal. Your relationship with your spouse during this time is not necessarily an indicator of how it will be from now on. Anticipate that the victim spouse will be in roller coaster of emotions. Mood changes in them are natural. They will be alright today and devastated again tomorrow. Just know that they also want to get rid of all the pain and hurt too as soon as possible. In time, with full honesty and emotional openness, you will (hopefully) begin to recover your relationship's equilibrium. At some point, of course, you may be forced to rethink your stance on whether or not your relationship is terminally damaged; however, avoid making these decisions rashly, as many victim spouses have been known to unexpectedly reach a kind of peace with the affair and move forward just when things seemed at their worst. 
It is a big mistake to think that just because things are not getting better daily that your relationship will not recover. This is a slow and unpredictable process, and will be different from spouse to spouse. You may find that your relationship improves steadily in the days following the discovery of the affair, or you may notice that some days are worse than others. The important thing is that, on the whole, the process is moving forward; it is only when the process stalls entirely for a prolonged period that you should begin to worry about your spouse's ability to recover. 
Be grateful. Your spouse is taking a huge risk in deciding to remain with you after your betrayal. No matter how angry, petty, or unpredictable they get, they have shown a great love for you and, in many cases, a great strength of character in choosing to try to trust you again. Give this decision, and your partner, the deserved respect and gratitude. 
Your spouse may need closure through seeing the "break-up" email or listening to you tell the other person that things are done. Your spouse wants to hear or see you tell the other person that your marriage, family, and they themselves are important. If you don't want to put the other person "through that" consider how much they, through their affair with a a married person, have put your spouse through. The other person had the luxury of knowing they were becoming involved with a married person - your spouse didn't know or get to to make any decisions. Your spouse does not need to consider the feelings of the other person. They know that person had no consideration of their feelings. Giving your spouse closure will go a long, long way in improving their emotions and in helping them heal. If they never hear or see you tell the other person things are over, they may never fully believe or process that you have. If your spouse want this, it is very important to let the have it, even if it is an embarrassment for you to do so. 
Make sure you are truly ready to be faithful and committed to your marriage before attempting to rebuild trust. Nothing is more devastating to a victim spouse then learning to trust a person only to be betrayed again. 
If you have decided to rebuild the relationship, stick to this decision. AVOID language that indicates that you are uncertain about your ability to continue the relationship in this state; doing so may only cause your spouse to shut down and keep their emotions to themselves out of fear that they will lose you or you will seek greener pastures again. This might just cause even more resentment from the victim spouse. Allow the victim spouse to release emotions, be it anger, sadness, and many more. Nothing can be more dangerous to the recovery process during this period, as bottled-up feelings will eventually burst forth and perpetuate these problems. Create a safe environment in which your spouse feels free to express their feelings without fear that doing so will cause you to leave. 
Do not, do not and do not allow yourself to appear irritated with your spouse when they bring up their feelings or questions about the affair. This irritation is natural; people do not like to be constantly reminded of things they are ashamed of, and it is easy to turn this shame into annoyance at your partner. The victim spouse, however, has a clear right to these feelings: you are most certainly in the wrong, no matter what your reasons, for undermining the sanctity of your marriage, and holding yourself accountable for your mistake is a necessary part of reconciliation. Irritation will not only anger your partner, but will depict a lack of remorse and ultimately convince your partner that you are not "with them" and are likely to cheat again. Keep in mind that emotional affairs make it easier for the persons involved to excuse away the relationship by saying things like, "it was just conversations, we were only friends, we never even touched or met up" the fact that you spent money or took time out of your life and were sneaking around to do so is just as bad because the intention was there. 
Playing off your affair as "it meant nothing" is not the best course of action. Be truthful about your reasons, even if you think those reasons may hurt your spouse. A spouse who cheats for no good reason is a spouse that has absolutely no respect for the marriage, and it sends a message to the victim spouse that they have no reason to trust you again, ever. Explaining to your spouse that you have cheated because of emotional trauma - such as being in love with somebody else or out of fear and self-destructive tendency, it started off as a friendship, we needed to communicate for work, It felt good to get attention or to feel excited to talk to someone else. - gives your spouse a handle on which to understand your affair/relationship and regain their trust in you. 
Never tell your spouse that "you don't feel like talking about it right now." In all honesty, you gave up your right to discuss things on your schedule when you betrayed your spouse. Putting off discussions that are important to them only ensures that these concerns will grow like cancer in the meantime, and "later" may be too late. 
Remember also your promises and this is a huge part of trust if you break this you are taking the TRUST to square one. 
Be aware too that infidelity could be hazardous (and sometimes fatal) to health and mental state for everyone involved especially the victims. Depression, heart attacks, suicide, etc. are serious matters to consider and look out for. 
Do not allow your own feelings to eclipse those of your spouse. In all likelihood, you are dealing with emotional trauma of your own - your guilt for having the affair, your shame at what has been discovered about you. It is important that you deal with these feelings, and even share them with your spouse. However, do not allow yourself to fall into the trap of ignoring your spouse's cries for help because you are too preoccupied with your own struggles. If you have decided to make your marriage work, it is important that you dedicate the necessary time and attention to your spouse.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Holy wall of text. Good points though.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Holy wall of text. Good points though.


You actually read that all the way through?? I wanted to but I folded.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, I did not, Sig. I just read the first sentence after each #.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I read the whole thing. I wish my wife had. She has blown about 80% of the points


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

I read the whole thing. It was a common sense article on how to behave during recovery. I sent it to my husbands emails. lets see if hes smart enought to get it. Im still filing for divorce and im so close to closing on my condo that the sheer excitement is a bit scary lol. but im happy and at peace. i know the truth and he continues to deny it all. lmao. loser! hope he reads it for his future BS. Good luck to whomever she may be


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> You actually read that all the way through?? I wanted to but I folded.


LOL. Jellybean and Sig sorry for the the long post. I just thought it had good points.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I took JB's idea and did the same - they are all good points. You know I was really lucky. When D Day dawned on my affair by the grace of God I knew exactly what to do and I did every bit of it. Not to say I didn't make my own mistakes but thankfully I got most of it right. Any cheater who really wants to reconcile needs to know these things.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I read the whole thing before on wikihow. Great article! Maybe that could be a sticky?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Read it all too - if only I could convince hubby to read without him getting all angry. Sigma 1299 - you have been a great source of knowledge and understanding on this subject. I appreciate you sharing your story and input.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

What is the 180 thing I keep reading about?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Glad someone can benefit from my fail. Do you really think he'd get mad at you for suggesting he read something on what he could do to help you recover??


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> LOL. Jellybean and Sig sorry for the the long post. I just thought it had good points.


I have read The Lord Of The Rings, nothing scares me.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

LookingForTheSun said:


> What is the 180 thing I keep reading about?


Originally Posted by SurvivingInfidelity.com 
180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it) 

So here's the list: 

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 
No frequent phone calls. 
Don't point out "good points" in marriage. 
Don't follow her/him around the house. 
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. 
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. 
Don't ask for reassurances. 
Don't buy or give gifts. 
Don't schedule dates together. 
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. 
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! 
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. 
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! 
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! 
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. 
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! 
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. 
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. 
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! 
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! 
Don't be overly enthusiastic. 
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! 
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! 
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. 
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. 
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. 
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. 
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. 
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! 
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. 
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" 
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. 
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

So the 180 - I have done about 75...mostly the not talking about it because he can't handle talking about it. Sigma - I think it would get him flustered and upset by suggesting he read it. I bought 3 books on recovery - one is a little manual type deal that is a good read for both parties - it is How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair. For me, it just validated that I was not crazy for feeling the rainbow of emotions I was, even though I feel I am emotionally strong. It is like I have no control sometimes, even though I am always trying to coach myself through it. I kept mentioning it to him a few weeks ago (rewind - as far as I know we are 3 weeks into no contact) that it was a great short read that would help him understand what I am going through, why I feel like I do and how it is almost out of my control. I told him it would be better for him to read that than have to listen to me tell it, because I knew he did not want to talk about it. He got angry and said he would read it. It has not moved. I know he is hurting to, and I hate that for him (most of the time), but he did this and I can't help him get over himself. That is my biggest thing right now. Because he won't talk, I don't know where he is emotionally at. I know he is talking about things we can do - remodel, go on vacation - so I jump in on the conversation and go with it. I do want that. I think he is trying, but I am afraid that he won't get through this and that one day in the near future he will have a melt down or explosion. He has been doing better, but the ghost is still always there, even when it is not being spoken about - and by ghost, I mean the affair. It makes things very awkward at times. We are interacting more now and more intimate now than before the affair - for us I think it is necessary. I mentioned in another post that an STD test was mandatory - I would not budge. But still just moving on and not talking about it is hard. Then there are times that I think I don't want to talk about it....what questions will I ask that will make me feel better? All I really want to know is where his heart and head are now....how do I know his actions are real, and how can I know that he will be honest with me and NEVER let this happen again. Given that, what are my options? Is it normal for a betrayed spouse to not want past info but just current and future? (sorry I got off the topic there


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I can't tell you what's normal for a betrayed spouse - I'm on the cheating side of the coin. What I can tell you is that he is the one in debt to you and the relationship - he's the one who cheated - the one who damaged the relationship, betrayed you and his wedding vows. You need to know where he is emotionally - which is totally normal and fully understandable. It is his obligation, as the cheater, to do what you need to begin to trust him again. He broke the trust - he must rebuild it. The two of you are not on equal footing. 

There's a reason it's called "heavy lifting" - because it's hard, it's uncomfortable, it's painful. Well - sorry but cheating comes with a price. He no longer has the luxury of indulging his comfort zone to not communicate with you. If he wants to reconcile he is obligated to suffer whatever pain he must to do what you need. Fixing a screw up is always painful - I like to call it stupid tax - with a screw up the size of infidelity the stupid tax bill is pretty high. Sorry for him but it's the price of cheating. 

It's good that you want to support him and help him heal. He has a lot of his own healing to do. But I've said before in trying to support and help him do not give him a free pass on what he must do to reconcile. In reality doing these things are the very things that will help him heal most. Assuming he's not a serial cheat or just a broken individual - he really can't heal until he atones for his actions, most people can't. Stick by your guns and make him do the heavy lifting. He may fight you, it may get ugly, but if he can't do it then any reconciliation is false and you're right - in one way or another this will come around again. Deal with it now - work through the issues while everyone is out of their comfort zone.


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## SPRelationshipCounselling (May 23, 2012)

Great article.I'd like to add the following based on my experience of working through affairs with couples.
1. Self forgiveness is important. The difference between guilt and remorse is that feeling guilty means you are busy defending yourself and focusing on yourself , whereas when you are remorseful you open your heart to feeling the pain of your partner and you regret how what you have done as impacted them. There is a place of dignity in accepting your wrongdoing and really being there for your partner to heal
2. Betraying men in trying to do the right thing sometimes keep their feelings to themselves The result is that your partner becomes the one doing all the emotion and they struggle to reconnect with you. If you dare include your distress and fears , and feelings not knowing what to do , and regret -she will feel more connected and it will feel you are working together.
3. It helps if the betraying partner is sometimes the one to bring up the affair to be talked about. It is caring and shows that you are busy with the affair plus also and thinking it through. Expressions of regret that are not prompted, show remorse. 
4. An affair doesn't blow over. A relationship is different after an affair. In time in can be stronger that before. An affair needs to be worked through. It's best to get proffessional support so you have the best chance of healing it.
5. Working through an affair is a long process . First you need to deal with the shock, then you need to look at what wasn't working between you that allowed the affair to take place. Finally you need work at rebuilding trust and intimacy.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It pretty much validates what we already know here in CWI. Its good that other people like the author "get it", unlike a lot of the bad advice out there that merely tells the BS to sweep it under the rug and suffer in silence while the WS suffers no consequences and doesn't have to do a thing.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

SPRelationshipCounselling said:


> Great article.I'd like to add the following based on my experience of working through affairs with couples.
> 1. Self forgiveness is important. The difference between guilt and remorse is that feeling guilty means you are busy defending yourself and focusing on yourself , whereas when you are remorseful you open your heart to feeling the pain of your partner and you regret how what you have done as impacted them. There is a place of dignity in accepting your wrongdoing and really being there for your partner to heal
> 2. Betraying men in trying to do the right thing sometimes keep their feelings to themselves The result is that your partner becomes the one doing all the emotion and they struggle to reconnect with you. If you dare include your distress and fears , and feelings not knowing what to do , and regret -she will feel more connected and it will feel you are working together.
> 3. It helps if the betraying partner is sometimes the one to bring up the affair to be talked about. It is caring and shows that you are busy with the affair plus also and thinking it through. Expressions of regret that are not prompted, show remorse.
> ...


An excellent post - points one and two are particularly spot on IMO.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

mahike said:


> I read the whole thing. I wish my wife had. She has blown about 80% of the points


I printed this or something very like it off the net during the first few months post d day. We went over it together. At the time he was still just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear so he "agreed" with everything and largely ignored the advice, especially the part about not continuing to lie. The result has been one bomb right after another. The latest of which was only a month ago. I reprinted the article and added my comments after each section where applicable. We reviewed it again together. He did not do what was advised. He said that he thought it was counter-intuitive and "just didn't sound right" to him. Now after two and a half years of turmoil and pain, he devoutly wishes he had.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

I read everything posted except 180 post...
like mahike my H hasn't done 85% either. This clarifies why at MC last night her first question of "how have things been over the last two weeks?" To which my H responded quickly and energeticly "great-things have been just perfect!" I immediately said "no-no they have been horrible and now I'm thinking its not worth the effort to fix." My H was in shock, and counselor because we were doing good and our session was going to be finally getting truths to what did happen (I was bummed because I've been waiting on that session and when it was all said and done we didn't have time). Anyhow he was surprised i was upset that he went to the bar and came home at 2:30 since our son was with him. Shocked him not texting me to say he was gonna be late one night since he did call 40 min after. Shocked I was upset he played cards while he was out of town since he took our daughter with him. It was all ridiculous - and i couldn't believe him when he said he didn't think any of that would be upsetting. MC scheduled us for next week vs every other week based on our session! 
I want him to read this but it might be too late based on timing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I agree with points 1 and 2 also. I believe that only true remorse allows the WS to see some of what they have actually done and start to take appropriate actions to fix it. I also believe that (in my case), when the WH is not able to express his feelings, maybe thinking it will do more harm than good, he is wrong. For me, I feel like there is still a wall. While I believe that remorse is happening, I feel that we are missing an opportunity to fully reconnect. I have pointed out to him several times that he is not giving me what I need now - so now the shoe is on the other foot. I feel exhausted from all of the lifting I have done. I am not saying that he has not done things or given effort, but I think he is stuck in a rut of self hate, and that is effecting us even if he thinks it is not. If we have not learned anything from his past mistakes, it should be that non-communication can be the end to all. He needs to talk to someone, get it out and breath - that is what I have been telling him. I feel like I am the one supporting and coaching him...and I am the one who was wronged.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

It appears that I have been very lucky in our R. Having read the OP it's appears that my H is doing all the things that are advised off his own back, which, for me, shows he is Fully committed to our R.
We are doing really well. I love my H and the love and affection and comitment he shows me everyday fills my heart with joy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> It appears that I have been very lucky in our R. Having read the OP it's appears that my H is doing all the things that are advised off his own back, which, for me, shows he is Fully committed to our R.
> We are doing really well. I love my H and the love and affection and comitment he shows me everyday fills my heart with joy!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Whoot! that is AWESOME!!!!! :smthumbup:


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Soo....I printed off these rules, plus the comments added by Sig and SPR for my H to read. I gave them to him this morning. He was a little "miffed" (don't know if it was from the length of the print or from me bringing this up AGAIN) but said he would read them today. 

*positive note I asked if I could listen to his VM on phone and office and, again, he was miffed and said I was barking up the wrong tree but gave me the codes and I listened. Nothing on either. So I felt at ease with that


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## Komaki (May 17, 2012)

I too read it all. Many times. Thank you for posting it. I printed it and put it in my wifes truck. I found it in the trash.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Komaki said:


> I too read it all. Many times. Thank you for posting it. I printed it and put it in my wifes truck. I found it in the trash.


Well - at least you know where she is as far reconciling. That's kind of an awesome statement - no remorse there. I'm sorry.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

SPRelationshipCounselling said:


> 3. It helps if the betraying partner is sometimes the one to bring up the affair to be talked about. It is caring and shows that you are busy with the affair plus also and thinking it through. Expressions of regret that are not prompted, show remorse.


Very important!

And has never happened in my lousy marriage.

It's an indicator of both candor and courage if it happens. Indicates the opposite when it doesn't happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cozma (Oct 15, 2012)

I cheated on my husband. The reason is irrevelant as I don't want to seem as though I have any excuse for my behaviour. Anyway I am extremely remorseful for my actions and my husband has been extremely generous and said that he will give me the chance to prove myself to him so that in time we can go to counselling to try and save the marraige.
I have read this article and have tried to implement the points in our life (most of them I implemented even before reading this as it seemed like the natural thing to do to try and heal). I have given my husband access to all email accounts, phones, bills etc. I have changed my attitude towards friends and family so he knows he is most important, all ties with the other person have been cut and I let him know where I am and ask permission before I go anywhere (shops, friends houses etc). The last point about asking permission, he says I haven't been consistent in carrying out which is obviously very important and when I read this article to him he also said I argue a lot with him and battle him (point 9). The thing is when I argue it is because he often says I am not doing anything to heal the marraige which then makes all my actions seem futile and gets me frustrated so I argue my case as to what I have done. However because I fail him he then hits me, bites me, verbally abuses me, says things like he hope myself and my family die a painful death and spits in my face, these things have happened on a number of occasions and I think this is totally wrong but he used this article to say that he has the right to do these things as I have put him in this situation. This has been going on for 8 months. I have pleaded with him but he will not go to counselling until I do something more. I have given public apologies (which he says I haven't done correctly) and have tried to do the right thing by him but I just don't know what else to do to make it right. Any ideas? And also how do I make him understand he doesn't have the right to be violent with me (or does he)?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> The thing is when I argue it is because he often says I am not doing anything to heal the marraige which then makes all my actions seem futile and gets me frustrated so I argue my case as to what I have done. However because I fail him *he then hits me, bites me, verbally abuses me, says things like he hope myself and my family die a painful death and spits in my face*, these things have happened on a number of occasions and I think this is totally wrong but *he used this article to say that he has the right to do these things* as I have put him in this situation. *This has been going on for 8 months*.


 I'm a BH. I don't give a damm if you cheated. Leave this abuser.

Seriously. Leave her. He has no free pass to abuse you. Worse is he justify, shift the blame. Classic line all abusers pull. No chance to change.
Leave him ASAP.

Please, start your own thread.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Cozma said:


> I cheated on my husband. The reason is irrevelant as I don't want to seem as though I have any excuse for my behaviour. Anyway I am extremely remorseful for my actions and my husband has been extremely generous and said that he will give me the chance to prove myself to him so that in time we can go to counselling to try and save the marraige.
> I have read this article and have tried to implement the points in our life (most of them I implemented even before reading this as it seemed like the natural thing to do to try and heal). I have given my husband access to all email accounts, phones, bills etc. I have changed my attitude towards friends and family so he knows he is most important, all ties with the other person have been cut and I let him know where I am and ask permission before I go anywhere (shops, friends houses etc). The last point about asking permission, he says I haven't been consistent in carrying out which is obviously very important and when I read this article to him he also said I argue a lot with him and battle him (point 9). The thing is when I argue it is because he often says I am not doing anything to heal the marraige which then makes all my actions seem futile and gets me frustrated so I argue my case as to what I have done. However because I fail him he then hits me, bites me, verbally abuses me, says things like he hope myself and my family die a painful death and spits in my face, these things have happened on a number of occasions and I think this is totally wrong but he used this article to say that he has the right to do these things as I have put him in this situation. This has been going on for 8 months. I have pleaded with him but he will not go to counselling until I do something more. I have given public apologies (which he says I haven't done correctly) and have tried to do the right thing by him but I just don't know what else to do to make it right. Any ideas? And also how do I make him understand he doesn't have the right to be violent with me (or does he)?


My wife cheated. I gave her a second chance to be better. I have never, and will never abuse her. There is no reason to do that. You need to remove yourself from that situation. He needs to learn self control just as you had to learn from your mistake.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Doesn't the 180 set one up for leaving the marriage? 
So if they wanted to stay and work on it, how would following a 180 help? I mean, I understand you don't want to do the "Forgive and forget," approach. 
But wouldn't the 180 make you indifferent, and help you move on?

I guess this is all assuming you want your wayward spouse back, and they want you back and are willing to make it up to you. 
But I have trouble understanding how the 180 sets you up to heal. Sounds more like you are just putting a giant band-aid on the problem, and hiding it.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Great article Thorburn! Though it triggered me extremely bad. In a few days it'll be my 2 year mark from D-Day and this still hit really close to home.

I wish my xW had done even half of this. I had shown her multiple articles like this and compiled documents, she claimed to have read them a few times but it's a waste of time to just read them and not follow them.

Any WS that wants to R, you must follow this regardless of how hard or humiliating it may be. It's your only chance to make it work.

I wish you all the best of luck! I hope you have a lot better luck than I had.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Doesn't the 180 set one up for leaving the marriage?
> So if they wanted to stay and work on it, how would following a 180 help? I mean, I understand you don't want to do the "Forgive and forget," approach.
> But wouldn't the 180 make you indifferent, and help you move on?
> 
> ...


Broken, the 180 originates from the "Divorce Buster" book. It is used when one spouse starts talking about divorce. The other spouse will be best to do a 180, to give the asking spouse a "preview" on how things are in the divorce (D) land (not so rosy). It is expected that the spouse will tone down his/her divorce request and come to a more reconciliatory/negotiable state. At the same time, it is supposed to help improve the mental state of the (betrayed?) spouse. With a better mental health, it is expected that the asking spouse realizes what he/she is going to miss in the D land.

When used, 180 is one step below the ultimate nuclear button. It may as well end up in a total destruction of the marriage, or it may incite reconciliation. 50-50 there.

You may want to educate your mother about this (I read your story briefly), but this is a powerful (and potentially destructive) tool and should be used with utmost care and thought.

Because of copywriters issues the 180 rules can not be posted here. Google 180 Marriage No More Mr Nice Guy.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Simply put, the 180 is to show the WS what they are about to lose and hopefully pull them out of the fog. The 180 is really good because it can help the LS build confidence, self esteem and have a more positive way of thinking, regardless of whether they do D or R. It's just all around good for the LS mentally and physically.


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## Cozma (Oct 15, 2012)

Thanks Acabado & Ovid for your responses. I know you are both correct in advising to get myself out of the situation, but at the moment I feel so unsure of myself and my decision making. My heart and head are telling me completely different things. I think I need to find a lot of inner strength to sort this mess out once and for all.
Once again thank you for taking the time to respond, it really is appreciated.





P.S I'm new to this type of forum so I'm still learning about it, unfortunately I've no idea how to start a thread...yet


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Thank you sincerely. It is a great measure for how well the WS has done or is doing in meeting the BS's needs. It is also a great measure for the BS to assess their own normalcy. Thanks again.


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