# When do you know if your marriage is over or is there any hope



## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

Me and my wife have been married for 18 years. we have discussed separation for awhile and I decided that I will move out in January. She has told me that she doesn't love me and wants to be alone right now. She told me that she doesn't want a divorce. For the past 2 years there has not been any affection or love between us. We still sleep in the same bed but their is no affection or snuggling. It is very hard on me because I love her very much. I get very frustrated. 

She is not sure what she wants. she just wants to be alone right now. I am 49 and she is 47. She keeps telling me that I did nothing wrong. Also, we hardly talk at all while we are home unless it is related to the kids or house. I know she is not seeing anyone because I have had someone watch over her and have access to all the cellphone records. Her sister and mother told me the same thing and they are on my side and said that she is making a mistake. 

My son who is 17 years old told me the other night that mommy has no idea what she is doing and it will be worst here without you. She is clueless he said. he said why cant you both just talk about it. I told him that I have but she will not listen to me and gets upset when we talk. I told him to express his feelings to her.

Her line to me is I love you but I am not in love with you. I think our marriage is over but at the same time she doesn't want a divorce. she just wants to be separated because she wants to be by herself and think about what she wants. the other day I said to her - is our marriage over and you don't want to be with me. she answered me - I don't know right now and I don't want to talk about. some days we do have friendly talks.

I have never cheated on her, hit her or disrespected while we have been together (20 years in total). I have always showed her love and affection and have always be there for her during the good and bad times.

I do admit we had some problems mostly due to financial problems which caused me to be stressed out at times and yell at the kids for no reason because I could lose my job at any time and making sure we have a roof over our heads. this has been going on for 2 - 3 years now. I have taken a step back and tried to relax more but it hurts when the other person doesn't show you support or asks how are you doing or how was your day.

I am so confused and not sure what to expect. My friend who is a counselor said that she is going through a MLC. 

Does anyone have a feedback or have gone through something similar to what I am experiencing. It is very frustrating when you have given your soul and heart to women and family and she is throwing away 20 years without trying.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

confusedinNY said:


> Me and my wife have been married for 18 years. we have discussed separation for awhile and I decided that I will move out in January. She has told me that she doesn't love me and wants to be alone right now. She told me that she doesn't want a divorce. For the past 2 years there has not been any affection or love between us. We still sleep in the same bed but their is no affection or snuggling. It is very hard on me because I love her very much. I get very frustrated.
> 
> She is not sure what she wants. she just wants to be alone right now. I am 49 and she is 47. She keeps telling me that I did nothing wrong. Also, we hardly talk at all while we are home unless it is related to the kids or house. I know she is not seeing anyone because I have had someone watch over her and have access to all the cellphone records. Her sister and mother told me the same thing and they are on my side and said that she is making a mistake.
> 
> ...


Hi there, I am going through the same thing. It wouldn't say it's a MLC... I think that is an easy "out". Just think the woman is breaking down and that's a good reason to just let it end. 

If your marriage is like mine (I am the wife)... then there have been years of issues, that you likely didn't see, or just brushed under the carpet. I told my husband exactly the same thing 6 months ago. I think it's a natural thing to just want to get out and be alone. There comes a point where you stop, look at your life and go "is this the life I want to live for the next 40 years?" .... If she has been raising kids for that long, maybe she just wants to focus on herself for a change. We have been going to counselling together, can you ask her to go with you for counselling? What about letting her have some time to herself without calling it a separation? I know I was aching for some time alone without having to look after kids and my husband. 

We've been doing MC for 6 months and it's helping, I also don't feel like I'm "in love" with my H but at least now I can see that I love him, whereas 6 months ago I just wanted out. 

If you've been in the same bed but no sex that is a huge red flag. Why don't you ask her to give you 6 months, you go for counselling, you go for MC and see where you are at in 6 months? Ask her to give you that, and you give her some time away... maybe she goes away for a week on her own to get some time alone?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why are you moving out if she's not happy? If you've had financial issues supporting one household, how are you going to support two?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

confusedinNY said:


> Me and my wife have been married for 18 years. we have discussed separation for awhile and I decided that I will move out in January. She has told me that she doesn't love me and wants to be alone right now. She told me that she doesn't want a divorce. For the past 2 years there has not been any affection or love between us. We still sleep in the same bed but their is no affection or snuggling. It is very hard on me because I love her very much. I get very frustrated.
> 
> She is not sure what she wants. she just wants to be alone right now. I am 49 and she is 47. She keeps telling me that I did nothing wrong. Also, we hardly talk at all while we are home unless it is related to the kids or house. I know she is not seeing anyone because I have had someone watch over her and have access to all the cellphone records. Her sister and mother told me the same thing and they are on my side and said that she is making a mistake.
> 
> ...


Im in the same boat. My wife has been emotionally distant for past 11 years. Im thinking abput leaving after the holidays.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 49crash (Oct 20, 2013)

Welcome to my world. I agree with the MLC part. My wife is throwing away 24 years and a comfortable living. She says I did nothing wrong. I may not be perfect but I do try to be a good husband. Now my wife wants to "make it on her own". That means apartment and retail job, and little money. Only difference in your situation and mine is that we had a great sex life up until 6 months ago. She doesn't even understand why she is doing it she just knows she has too. Just know you are not alone



confusedinNY said:


> Me and my wife have been married for 18 years. we have discussed separation for awhile and I decided that I will move out in January. She has told me that she doesn't love me and wants to be alone right now. She told me that she doesn't want a divorce. For the past 2 years there has not been any affection or love between us. We still sleep in the same bed but their is no affection or snuggling. It is very hard on me because I love her very much. I get very frustrated.
> 
> She is not sure what she wants. she just wants to be alone right now. I am 49 and she is 47. She keeps telling me that I did nothing wrong. Also, we hardly talk at all while we are home unless it is related to the kids or house. I know she is not seeing anyone because I have had someone watch over her and have access to all the cellphone records. Her sister and mother told me the same thing and they are on my side and said that she is making a mistake.
> 
> ...


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

I hate to hear it. I am moving in January more than likely as well. My wife just wants space to evaluate her life. She's not wanting to divorce or see other people, just time to think about her life and what he wants out of it.

We did have issues that I didn't see and didn't know about until MC started.

It's rough man. Defiantly ask for MC and lay down separation rules. Don't talk to her about it anymore, it always makes it worse and she will never have new answers. 

There are plenty of us in your boat, vent here it's less dangerous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

Thanks all for your responses. 

Our sex life was always great and it was usually 3 or 4 times a week but one day it all stopped and the hugs gradually disappeared and she said I had enough with my life. We only did it if she was drunk when going out with her friends. she will say it was great but the next day it was like it never happened. That was about 2 1/2 years ago. It got better after about 6 months but it started all over again. 

@keenwa, Yes we have been it the same bed and no sex in the past 1 1/2 years ( except once when she got drunk with her friends) she told me it was great but the next day it was back to the same no touching. 

She does have plenty of time to herself. She goes out with her friends at least 2 times a week. She just got back from AC for the weekend with her friends. I do some of the chores around the house. I do the laundry, clean the kitchen or bathroom. She started working a few months ago at least 3 to 4 days week so I help around the house when I get home at night. I get up each morning and get the kids up and get them lunch giving her extra time to sleep. I have been doing this since the kids were 5 years old. My sons are 17 and 15. I just don't know what she wants and I don't think she knows as well. 

Her sister told her she is making a mistake without thinking about it or discussing it. She never wants to talk about it. She just tells me she is unhappy and doesn't know why she is unhappy. 

I know finances are playing a big part in all of this because we are struggling to make ends meet which puts a lot of stress on all of us. We have not been able to do things the past 2 years. I also believe with me at times yelling and getting upset has gotten to her. I am stressed out about the house, family and my job. Its worst when you come home to nothing and your spouse is not there to support you. 

@Pbear, I agree. we will eventually do a short sale on the home and she will get her own apartment with the kids and I will have my own.

At times, I am invisible to her. I ask her a question and there is no response. Its like speaking to a brick wall. Her sister asked the other day if she still love4d me and saw us still married in the future after this separation. she told her I am not thinking about that right now and that she just wants to be alone.

Right now there is no plan for our separation. she said we don't need one. we will talk if necessary. I told her its up to her what she wants in life and if she still wants to be married in the future. I told her its your decision and I will respect that. I told her I only care as long as you and the kids are happy. It is not my decision to be separated. I want to work and make it better. I didn't give her a time table but I figure 6 to 8 months she would have an idea what she wants if not i will move with my life and maybe meet someone else who appreciates someone who puts his family first and cares about them more than anything. I don't want to go that route because I know deep down she still has feelings and the problem is that she doesn't talk about to no one not even her sister or mother. She keeps it bottled inside. She wont go see a MC but she does admit that we should have gone 2 years ago when I asked her. she tells me its too late.

Communications between is a very big issue in the past.

The signals she gives off are very confusing at times. She tells me its over one day between us and a week later she tells me I want to be alone to see if I want to be with you or not.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*IMHO, the two of you both need counseling, and the sooner the better. If there is evidence of infidelity on her part, then you both owe it to yourselves to save your family despite your financial problems!

After all, your family deserves it! And don't deny it to them!*


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I hear your pain, but her comment about "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", is a common statement for someone who is about to cheat or is cheating. For you to go from 3-4 times a week to nothing, is a big red flag along with the aforementioned statement. IMHO, you need to do a little investigation, to trust but verify and make sure there isn't someone else attempting to sabotage your marriage or the work to save it. Good luck.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

Rottdad42 said:


> I hear your pain, but her comment about "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", is a common statement for someone who is about to cheat or is cheating. For you to go from 3-4 times a week to nothing, is a big red flag along with the aforementioned statement. IMHO, you need to do a little investigation, to trust but verify and make sure there isn't someone else attempting to sabotage your marriage or the work to save it. Good luck.


that might be true, but I felt that way and wasn't cheating or planning on cheating. What did happen was I had a realization that we were cohabitating in the same house, and that was about it. It hit me like a tonne of bricks one day. I realized that I deserve more than this in life. I think I just did a 180, I had been living this mundane crappy life and then it hit me that I didn't want to live this crappy life for 40 more years.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I would think that counseling would be the first option before a separation. While separation a little time apart does seem like a good idea, I personally think its not a good approach especially when its something along the lines of a MLC. 

Whether it be male or female who wants the “alone time” time to work on themselves they want out of their current situation because of unhappiness. Problem is first thing they do is usually do everything they don’t do in married life, they go out party they enjoy a new found freedom. Short term its great thus convincing themselves a new life is just what they needed. Its called a vacation. That’s why people go on vacation its fun. 

They aren’t really trying to figure out anything, they are just having a good time and shopping for a new life and for a couple of months, short term its great most of the time. So the trial separation quickly becomes a legal separation which becomes a divorce proceedings. Usually by the time they start to figure out that vacation wont last forever or it isn’t nearly as much fun as they thought it would be they have burned too many bridges. 

If you notice on this site a great deal of the couples with problems seems to coincide around the 15-20 year mark 45-52 year old range. We all hit times in married life with ups and downs and we all question our lives at one time or another. Your spouse probably cant put into words what she longs for or makes her unhappy she just wants to try something new. 

If you do separate, make it just like a divorce. Don’t make it easy and wing it. Figure out the “alimony” child custody all that real world stuff that the unhappy spouse doesn’t want to deal with right now. They want to try a new life well this is what a new life without you would be. Don’t just take all the responsibilities and allow them to have fun. She needs to figure out what is making her unhappy. That might something you have done. It might be hormonal changes. It might be she has depression issues. It might be because one girls night out something happened that shouldn’t have happened. Maybe she just does need to feel the ability to stand on her own two feet but until the true problem gets out in the open I don’t think a separation is the best option.


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## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

Thanks on the replies so far.

I know she is not cheating on me. I have checked up on her and have access to cellphones.

She is unhappy at the moment and doesn't know what she wants right now but only to be by herself. She does not want to go to a MC. 

We always had a good marriage with affection, love. We both go to the gym and are in great shape for our ages of 49 and 47. 

We always took vacations each year.

The problem is we have been in or having big financial problems over the past 2 or 3 years which has taken a toll on both of us. We were not able to do things as we used to. Also, our communications dropped off during this time which I feel may have grown us apart.

I have also been under a lot of stress worrying about my job, the house and the family these past few years which sometimes I would get mad and yell at my kids which I know it was a mistake. we always dreamed about being together and growing old and having a beautiful life but finances have put a wrench into that.

My wife has gone through a lot with miscarriages, a still born and a AVM surgery about 10 years ago but I was always there for her.

I know it is a hard road ahead because I feel it is very hard to try and get back the love and affection after not having it for 2 or so years. I will not give up and I told her that its up to her and I will respect her decision because at the end of the day we all need to be happy.

It is tough on me because I love her now just as much as when we got married. I don't want to throw away the 18 years without trying and then regretting it afterwards of not trying.

I told her that and her reply is - Right now I am unhappy and I don't know why I am unhappy it just happens over time. I just want to be by myself and I really have no feelings about the 18 years we were together. 

I am just lost. Its in God's hands right now. I am trying to get myself together and realizing that I may have to move on with life. The thing that helps me is that my mother-in-law told me yesterday that she loves me and that I treated her daughter great and that I can talk and visit her anytime I want. she told me that I was a great husband and father and she was proud of me. She doesn't agree with her daughter but will not get involved. Her 2 sisters agree with their mother as well. 

It just killing me inside.


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## 49crash (Oct 20, 2013)

I feel ya here. Like I said you are not alone. Mine is farther along as far as papers have been filed ect. I don't know what to do either. I feel like she is throwing her life away and she really has no good reason as to why. I think the fact that we don't hate each other makes it more difficult. I mean our spouses don't really think we did anything wrong they just want to go. It is difficult to undersatnd that. Move on we must though. In the last month I have come to understand there is nothing I can do to change my wifes mind. No need for me to try. The only one who could change her mind is her. Heck I have no idea how to even be single after 24 yrs. Confusing is an understatement.



confusedinNY said:


> Thanks on the replies so far.
> 
> I know she is not cheating on me. I have checked up on her and have access to cellphones.
> 
> ...


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Confused, 

I should be celebrating my 30th anniversary this January. But I am not, as my h had an affair at the 27th year. 

We've just started mc recently, and I have just learned from him, that he was very unhappy for most of the past 10 years. I was very surprised, as I thought generally things were okay, even more than okay, to be honest. I knew also, things were tough at times, as we are in the airline industry and weathered one of the worst times in aviation history. I thought what we were going thur were what long term marriages endured.

My h went into depression, didnt try to meet his needs, took everything upon himself. Had he, like your wife, only talked to me, said to me, "I need to think about things, or, I need my space, or, I'm not getting from you"...maybe our relationship would not be where it is today... You're lucky your wife is talking before the affair...

~sammy


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## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

@Sammy.

I feel for you.

To my knowledge my wife is not having or looking to have a affair. She just wants to be alone and is very unhappy. She refuses to go to a MC because she already knows what she wants - to be alone.

We have been arguing lately because she doesn't give straight answers and at times I feel invisible to her. I just want respect from her. I told her that MC will help for both of us to speak our minds and gets things off our chest because she keeps everything bottled up. She tells me no and we argue about stupid things. I feel like a complete outsider to her like she doesn't know me or doesn't want to know me anymore. She keeps telling me I did nothing wrong but she keeps treating me like a nobody at times. Her mother told me that she is making abig mistake and she is going to have a rude awakening later on.

the worst part is that she doesn't want to have a plan while separated. we will talk when necessary.

The one good thing is that I am moving into the side apartment of our home because of the uncertainity of my job. My mother currently lives there so it will make it easier for me and at the same time I can be close to home and take care of my mother. 

I don't want to get a place and than lose my job. I rather stay in the apartment and save the money until I know what is going on with my company and position. 

It is so difficult to give someone your heart and soul for so many years and than have everything ripped out.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

I think it is so much worse when there is no affair. I have had women cheat on me when I was younger and it was pretty simple to walk away. A wife just saying she wants to be alone because she is unhappy and doesn't care to try to work it out is just crushing.

My wife also has no separation plan if we carry on that path (2 more weeks from today). She will not sit back and think about it because she does not want to doubt what she is doing.

Ugh, I hate it for you. Being a stranger to the person you love so much is a killer.


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## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

Yes being a stranger in your own home is killing me. I have tried the 180 to an extend but I get frustrated at times when I get ignored or don't get a answer to a question.

It kills me when she talks and treats others better than me.

On Saturday, it was my son's Senior football all-star game. we were playing a allstar team from a different city. she left early because it was snowing and she had to go to work. she said goodbye to everyone around me except me. It just hurts when someone tells you did nothing wrong but they treat you like crap.

I never cheated, hit, disrespected my wife in 18 years. I always showed her love and affection. I gave my heart and soul.

I told her that I will accept that she doesn't love me anymore but if I did nothing wrong at least I deserve respect after 18 years of being together. it seems she is always looking for a reason to be mad at me and not to be nice.

What is hard is how to do you give yourself to someone else in life if this marriage fails. I would hate to go through this again with someone else because I always give my whole heart to everything I do for my family. After what is happening now how can I do it again.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

confusedinNY said:


> it seems she is always looking for a reason to be mad at me and not to be nice.


That is because she more than likely is always looking for a reason to be mad or to not be nice to you. It makes it easier to leave when there are "issues".

It really is hard to make any progress when they give you nothing to work on.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just let her go.

maybe a taste of her new reality will get her to think twice in what she is about to lose.

Distance your self and stop sharing a bed, seperate all acounts and with a smile on your face wish her the best.

Something tells me the more you try the more you push her away.

Alls Im say is your current stratagy isn't paning out.

Folks want what they can't have and maybe when she see this new reality she will start to think twice.

Maybe letting her go will get her to second guess what she really wants and what she is about to lose.

Just let her go! It might save your marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

And one more thing...don't be a jerk about it!

You can emotionally distance your self and still be civil. 
So no more I love yous, no more asking her were she is coing and no more checking in.

As far as you are concerned you are giving her what she wants in a civil and rational manner.

You have to have the confidence (at least fake it) that you can just let her go and wish her the best.

What sucks is when you do let her go she will be even more pissed cuz her new reality isn't nothing like what she thought.

Sorry brother but it does suck when your old lady wants all the benifit of being single and still wants the security and stablity of a marriage....but dude if you let her have her cake and eat it too you will be miserable.

Time for some tough love.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

just a quick question when you say you both go to the gym is it at the same time? only reason i ask is if you dont go with her at the same time that is where the (if) cheating could be taking place. if i had a dollar for everytime a man comes on her and the story starts with wife and gym i would be retired.

not saying she is cheating she may not be but better to check. if you want to save the marriage gotta rule it out.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

When you keep saying that she wants to be alone and she is unhappy why do you or she for that matter think one is going to cure the other. In her mind she is already alone because she is already treating you like you don’t exist. 

Does her quest to be alone, mean away from friends, family the kids? Will this suddenly make her happy or does she want everything else but you? Has she decided that without you in the picture she will just be happy suddenly. Im sure the pressure in your house on both of you right now is tremendous with the uncertainty of the future. This again will be one of your problems once you do separate, the daily pressure will be gone, she will probably feel a sense of relief which she will take has happiness just reinforcing that you are the problem. 

Neither one of you, especially her want to actually deal with the problem whatever that may be. She may not really know what the problem is, she may and just wont tell you. You cant force her to tell you or talk but you are going to ask yourself just how much agony you are will to put yourself thru here. If she wants a separation to me you have to make it just like a divorce, she wants life without you but she wants to test it first, continue to slowly pull away from you. I do believe there are times when separation is good and needed but from what you have written I just don’t know.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

confusedinNY said:


> Yes being a stranger in your own home is killing me. I have tried the 180 to an extend but I get frustrated at times when I get ignored or don't get a answer to a question.
> 
> It kills me when she talks and treats others better than me.
> 
> ...


 Maybe it's time that you stop walking on eggs and let it be known that her attitude and behavior is flat out bull $h!t and if she's not happy then pack up and move out. 

Let her know that if she doesn't want to be a wife any longer then she could have her freedom but not while she's living under the same roof.

You haven't done anything to be treated that way. It's disrespectful and sheer ignorance on her part and if you keep letting her get away with it, it will get worse.

She wants no parts of you yet doesn't want a divorce. She can't have it both ways and your doing excatly that. She need a dose of reality and your the only one that can administer it so stop playing her games and let her know that you wont put up with it any longer.

If she agrees to go with you to a MC then fine, you can at least try to work it out but if she wont then give her the other option and hand her divorce papers. Maybe then she'll see that your done with the games and it will wake her up. You don't have to go through with it but it will send a message to her that her game is getting old and your taking you ball and going home. It's up to you to do something about this and sitting around $h!tt!ng in one hand and wishing in the other, guess which one you'll get.


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## parman (Jan 4, 2014)

She may not be having an affair but she might be talking with someone. Very odd for a spouse to just want out on her own without something going on.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Id have to agree. There is an under lying issue here. She is acting like someone else is interested in her. Sorry to say that. 
Walk away for no reason? Wants to be alone. The I love you speach? No way I believe this. Have a hard look.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Tell her if she wants to be alone, she can move out. Whatever you do, do not move out.


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