# Do widowers stop loving their first?



## SugarMonstaa

I mean after many years do you just stop loving them and forget about them?

Just curious, I think this topic is one of the saddest ever and that no one should have to experience this :\ very depressing. Even coming in here makes me over think and worry.


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## LonelyinLove

I don't think so.....

We know an older couple (mid 70's I'm guessing) both were widowed and then they married each other.

In their home office thay have a wall that has pictures of her life before, complete with first husband, kids etc....on the other side of the same wall are pictures of his first wedding, first wife, kids and in the middle is a picture of them and current pictures of all their kids and grandkids.

They call it the Wall of good Memories. I think it's pretty cool too.


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## unbelievable

I have no personal experience (Thank God) but I can't imagine that I'd just quit loving my wife just because she happened to be dead. Her exit from the marriage wouldn't have been her choice or mine. Certainly, they could learn to love someone else, but the deceased spouse would always occupy a special place in their heart and that's how it should be.


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## Cosmos

I don't believe that our love for someone dies when they cease to live. Our love for them is part of our memory of them and is with us forever.

However, there are many different types of love, and I believe that if we lose a life partner it is certainly possible to love again without it in any way diminishing the love we had for the deceased...


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## it is what it is

> I don't believe that our love for someone dies when they cease to live. Our love for them is part of our memory of them and is with us forever.
> 
> However, there are many different types of love, and I believe that if we lose a life partner it is certainly possible to love again without it in any way diminishing the love we had for the deceased..


.

I agree with the above.

My MIL died one month before my in-laws 50th anniversary, sudden death, not expected. My FIL was remarried in exactly one year to a mutual friend of theirs whose husband died 1-2 years prior. They fell in a "new" love for each other and have been married for 10+ years now(ages 82 and 84 now), I was jealous of their teenage-like relationship, kissing, hugging, holding hands in public, etc. They have been the best thing ever for each other, and my FIL's new wife happens to be the exact opposite of my MIL. They have kept each other young at heart and still travel driving/flying themselves all over the country, they are in Alaska on a cruise right now. So happy for both of them. 

Everyone handles it differently, you can dwell on it or look at is as a new lease on life depending on the situation and person, I guess.


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## Coffee Amore

SugarMonstaa said:


> I mean after many years do you just stop loving them and forget about them?
> 
> Just curious, I think this topic is one of the saddest ever and that no one should have to experience this :\ very depressing. Even coming in here makes me over think and worry.


I haven't experienced it myself and hope never to for a long time, but I don't think you stop loving them and you certainly don't forget them short of some brain injury or dementia. My grandmother was a widow for a long time. She always loved my grandfather even decades after his death. 

I think it's possible for a widow or widower to fall in love again. That doesn't take away from the love they felt for their spouse who is deceased. It's not a competition. You can love your former spouse and still find love with a new person. It's hard for me to imagine doing that, but I know others who have moved on when their spouses passed away much too early.


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## EleGirl

I think that if they still loved the spouse at the time of death, the love never dies.

That does not mean that they cannot love someone else.

One thing I've seen is sometimes a person turns their deceased spouse into a saint. When this happens, no one else can then live up to that imaginary saint.

My mom did this with my dad after he passed away. It got to the point that I wanted to just shake her and reminder her of some of his very human flaws... like all his infidelities.

My exMIL married a widower. After she moved into his house, he would not let her change anything. His dead wifes clothing was still in the closet. The last cake she baked was still in the freeze. My exMIL had to live around the ghost of the now sainted deceased wife.

From what others said she was not a saint. The man and his wife used to fight like cats and dogs and he was always telling everyone that she drove him nuts. But upon death she was sainted.

My exMIL left him after about 8 months.


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## Fozzy

EleGirl said:


> *I think that if they still loved the spouse at the time of death, the love never dies.*
> That does not mean that they cannot love someone else.
> 
> One thing I've seen is sometimes a person turns their deceased spouse into a saint. When this happens, no one else can then live up to that imaginary saint.
> 
> My mom did this with my dad after he passed away. It got to the point that I wanted to just shake her and reminder her of some of his very human flaws... like all his infidelities.
> 
> My exMIL married a widower. After she moved into his house, he would not let her change anything. His dead wifes clothing was still in the closet. The last cake she baked was still in the freeze. My exMIL had to live around the ghost of the now sainted deceased wife.
> 
> From what others said she was not a saint. The man and his wife used to fight like cats and dogs and he was always telling everyone that she drove him nuts. But upon death she was sainted.
> 
> My exMIL left him after about 8 months.


Stole my thunder. It depends on how much they loved each other in life.


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## bbird1

SugarMonstaa said:


> I mean after many years do you just stop loving them and forget about them?
> 
> Just curious, I think this topic is one of the saddest ever and that no one should have to experience this :\ very depressing. Even coming in here makes me over think and worry.


I have never suffered this but I will answer based on sudden lose. A widow/widower who loved their spouse o the day they died often never got real closure. Let's say a man is married 20 years and adores his wife and one day she died in a car accident. He never got to say good bye and there is no closure.

As a soldier I've seen this to many times where a trusted friend, partner who has always had your back when things got ugly and they die suddenly. There is no real goodbye. I have not been so lost when there is some closure. IE: Death was slower in coming. I have held a friend as he died after carrying him from the battle field. I got to say goodbye, I attended his funeral and I got to close with his family. Another very close friend died suddenly and saying goodbye to the dead is not the same as looking them in the eyes and getting to tell them you will never be forgotten and you will always be my friend. It's just different.

/shrug maybe this didn't help and I could be wrong but it's my experience and my guess.


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## Cee Paul

I have a good thread on this topic going that takes it a little further.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/dealing-grief-loss/112329-widows-widowers-re-marry.html


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## WorkingOnMe

My grandparents married in the mid 1950's. my grandmother divorced her cheating husband. My grandfather was widowed in a tragic farm accident. They were married over 50 years. When he was in the hospital dying, he repeatedly called out for his first wife. No, I don't think the love dies.


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## Cee Paul

My wife's father died from a sudden heart attack about 12 years ago before her and I met, and so far her mother never re-married or considered dating anyone else.


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## Jacuzzi63

Hi all. Just had to chime in here, since I'm a widow. My LH died March 1 2013. 
I'm dating again. Each man I've met has been completely different from my husband. So I've accepted, or not accepted, the men on their own terms. 
I'm currently in two relationships - dating a divorcee, and friends with a widower via long-distance. Each are 'friendships' for now - they are both aware of each other and are fine with it. Neither are pushing for the relationships to go any farther than that yet. Both realize they are fulfilling different needs of mine (social/companionship - spiritual connection) as I am of theirs. 
I still love my LH. Always will. But I don't 'sanctify' him into saint-hood. He had his flaws as do I. Our marriage was not always good, particularly near the end when his illness totally changed his personality and all the worst aspects came out. 
There are men and women who are divorced but will always love their first husbands/wives. 
There are men and women currently married who pine for that 'first true love'. 
The key is to not idealize any relationships. And for the person who married a widow/widower -have patience. Let them talk about their late spouses. Accept they are part of their lives. Don't try to 'erase' their past nor feel like you're in competition. There's a reason they chose to be with you NOW. Accept that as a good thing. 
I had a friend, divorced, who married a widower. When they moved in together, she did everything she could to 'clean out' everything that belonged to, or reminded of, the first wife. Like she was trying to erase her existence at all - I found that disrespectful and so sad, that she was jealous of a ghost. I vowed never to repeat that mistake. It set her up in conflict with his family, and the LW's family, and remains a sore point to this day.


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## ForeverDreaming

I think each situation is different for but in my experience No you never forget or stop loving your first. My experience is based on my mother, we lost my father at a young age, he had just turn 40 and died of heart failure. My mum took a while to get over it but after a while she moved on and had a long term partner (8 years) then split up and found a new love and remarried, he unfortunately also passed away. In all of my mum’s grief she always talks about her love for my dad she moved on but has never stopped loving him! 

Then there is my Nan, she lost her husband at a young age and has never moved on, and still talks about him as the single most important thing in her life. Quite cute she still after 20 years still talks about him with such love.


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## Jellybeans

I don't see why anyone would "stop" loving their dead spouse.


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## Wiltshireman

I do not think that you "stop loving" a spouse just because they die.

That does not mean that you cannot find another and love again.

Just as the arrival of your second (or subsequent) child does not mean that you love your first born any less.

N.B. my father is a widower in his 70’s and he has a wonderful “lady friend” I hope that relationship can bloom into love as they both deserve it.


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## omega

Thank goodness I have not experienced this but I cannot imagine that one would stop loving a spouse after they've died.

What I ALSO cannot imagine is being able to remarry. Obviously loads of people do it, but I just can't understand how it feels okay to do that. I feel that if my husband were to die, I am still married to him, since we never got divorced, so why would I want to marry someone else? (Incidentally in our marriage vows there was no "til death do us part" clause.)


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## over20

it is what it is said:


> .
> 
> I agree with the above.
> 
> My MIL died one month before my in-laws 50th anniversary, sudden death, not expected. My FIL was remarried in exactly one year to a mutual friend of theirs whose husband died 1-2 years prior. They fell in a "new" love for each other and have been married for 10+ years now(ages 82 and 84 now), I was jealous of their teenage-like relationship, kissing, hugging, holding hands in public, etc. They have been the best thing ever for each other, and my FIL's new wife happens to be the exact opposite of my MIL. They have kept each other young at heart and still travel driving/flying themselves all over the country, they are in Alaska on a cruise right now. So happy for both of them.
> 
> Everyone handles it differently, you can dwell on it or look at is as a new lease on life depending on the situation and person, I guess.


In this case I think the first marriage and the second marriage are both happy ones. One never forgets the first spouse, still may love their beloved, but the new marriage is a completely different love. Equal but different :scratchhead:If one can fall in love a second time they are very blessed


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## over20

omega said:


> Thank goodness I have not experienced this but I cannot imagine that one would stop loving a spouse after they've died.
> 
> What I ALSO cannot imagine is being able to remarry. Obviously loads of people do it, but I just can't understand how it feels okay to do that. I feel that if my husband were to die, I am still married to him, since we never got divorced, so why would I want to marry someone else? (Incidentally in our marriage vows there was no "til death do us part" clause.)


Just curious...why was that omitted? Legally when a spouse dies you can't be married to a deceased person. 

I agree with you, I could never fathom meeting and marrying another my heart would bleed for my DH. On that note both DH and I have given each other a blessing in the event that we do die the other is free to remarry without any guilt. My Dh is such a wonderful man I would want him to feel companionship and comfort from a loving woman again. I wouldn't want him to go through the rest of his life lonely and thinking of me....I would be dead. It's a very special gift of peace we gave to each other year's ago. It was very tough to talk about but drew us closer.


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## FormerSelf

Did any of you read about the man who was getting remarried after the death of his first wife and apparently, the deceased wife had already arranged in her will for like a huge vacation for whole family? She wanted to give her blessing to the woman who would be the kids' new mom. I thought that was cool.

I have an incurable bone marrow cancer...multiple myeloma...and I have been thinking about this very subject. What I have is high risk version of it, going in a week to my first bone marrow/stem cell transplant (freezing my stem cells, then high dose chemo, then ingraft of cells back in me) procedure which will be hell but doable, yet follow up stem cell transplant (which will be donor cells this time) has a 1 in 7 chance of mortality...much higher complications from graft vs. host issues cos you are taking up someone else's immune system...and my immune system will be so weakened that the slightest infection/bug can really threaten me. The second transplant, according to my doctor, is my only REAL chance at being "cured" with 13% chance of that...but at least may afford me a few extra years. I hoping for at least 5. It's weird, cos after my induction chemo at this point, I feel pretty good...but the window is short. Somebody play a violin for me. 

I have been thinking about drafting a letter to my wife, but I don't know what to say. I worry about being sainted by my wife as a previous poster said, not that i am a saint, but because I certainly was the one that "rescued" my wife from her life of chaos...and has put up with her self-destructive behaviors. I worry that my death will push her over the edge to be honest, that she will lack the coping ability...so for these last few months I have to admit I have been very confrontational with her behaviors, trying to toughen her up to live her life alone, which she admittedly has been very afraid of. I have to admit, she has made my life a living hell, but at the same time my world has been very colorful because of her. She has had a very rough life...and I'm afraid my death will reaffirm the perception she struggles with that bad stuff will continue to happen to her. On the other hand, she is extremely gifted and capable and on cusp of earning 2nd Masters Degree so has good earning potential and is an influencer.

My point is that I want her to be able to move on...to continue to walk in healing. Given, there always is a mourning period...but I want her to believe that there can be better seasons in life and that there is a future still for her. IDK...I'm rambling. This is tough.


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## over20

I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this....there are NO words I can say...except it so so very unfair...Blessings and prayers for you and your family... Do you have a strong support system through family/friends/church/work? They can be a key pillar through this very awful time...

You sound like a very loving husband. I feel a love letter is a GREAT and SELFLESS idea...for sure write to her what comes from your heart and mind...ALL the good and bad. Write to your children as well..........they will treasure your wisdom on life. Try not to dwell in the present but to the future and all the wisdom you want to share...

Give your wife the blessing of Peace.....it sounds like she might need courage and encouragement as well. Maybe make a DVD also. What a priceless gift you want to give.......Is your family able to take a vacation soon.....maybe to help you be isolated, but with your caregivers? 

I am thinking and praying very hard for all you will go through....

Blessings


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## browneyes74

I don't think that the person stops loving that person, but the person that dies, stops growing and developing.. While the alive person continues to grow and develop, and, in part, grows and develops due to the loss and grief.. 

So.. while that old person doesn't stop loving that person, the new version of that person is fully capable of finding someone who is a great fit for them now.. And in fact, I think, given the changes that the death of the spouse caused in them, that new person might not even be a good fit for the old relationship at times.. 

For example, my cousin's grandparents.. The grandmother took care of the grandfather to the Nth degree.. Even put his freakin' socks on! When the grandma died of cancer, everyone thought that the grandfather would follow soon after. B/c he didn't cook, clean, or even dress himself completely! But, you know what? He started to do things for himself, and then he met a lady that really pushed him to move outside his comfort zone.. HE went dancing, bowling, and did a ton of things.. I fully think that the new person he became would probably not have a place in his old relationship, but that doesn't diminish the love he and his wife shared, KWIM?


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## over20

I understand what you are saying browneyes74. That in the case of the grandfather he is a changed man. People do change over time. So the new man the grandfather has become might not be recognizable to his first wife......


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## bandit.45

My great-grandmother's first husband was killed in the Phillipine campaigne of the Spanish American War. They had only been married a couple years, but before he shipped out they concieved their first child -- my grandmother, who was later born in 1899. 

When my great-grandmother maried her second husband a year or so later, he adopted my grandmother and raised her and loved her as if she were his own flesh-and-blood daughter. 

Here is the weird part... great-grandma asked her second husband if it would be alright if both she and him were buried in the same lot as her first husband. Being the gentleman he was, and understanding the deep love she had for her first husband, he willingly agreed. 

Well great-grandpa died in 1959 and then great-grandma followed him in 1962. She was buried with both her husbands: one on one side and one on the other.


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## over20

bandit.45 said:


> My great-grandmother's first husband was killed in the Phillipine campaigne of the Spanish American War. They had only been married a couple years, but before he shipped out they concieved their first child -- my grandmother, who was later born in 1899.
> 
> When my great-grandmother maried her second husband a year or so later, he adopted my grandmother and raised her and loved her as if she were his own flesh-and-blood daughter.
> 
> Here is the weird part... great-grandma asked her second husband if it would be alright if both she and him were buried in the same lot as her first husband. Being the gentleman he was, and understanding the deep love she had for her first husband, he willingly agreed.
> 
> Well great-grandpa died in 1959 and then great-grandma followed him in 1962. She was buried with both her husbands: one on one side and one on the other.


What is your question?


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## Betrayedone

FormerSelf said:


> Did any of you read about the man who was getting remarried after the death of his first wife and apparently, the deceased wife had already arranged in her will for like a huge vacation for whole family? She wanted to give her blessing to the woman who would be the kids' new mom. I thought that was cool.
> 
> I have an incurable bone marrow cancer...multiple myeloma...and I have been thinking about this very subject. What I have is high risk version of it, going in a week to my first bone marrow/stem cell transplant (freezing my stem cells, then high dose chemo, then ingraft of cells back in me) procedure which will be hell but doable, yet follow up stem cell transplant (which will be donor cells this time) has a 1 in 7 chance of mortality...much higher complications from graft vs. host issues cos you are taking up someone else's immune system...and my immune system will be so weakened that the slightest infection/bug can really threaten me. The second transplant, according to my doctor, is my only REAL chance at being "cured" with 13% chance of that...but at least may afford me a few extra years. I hoping for at least 5. It's weird, cos after my induction chemo at this point, I feel pretty good...but the window is short. Somebody play a violin for me.
> 
> I have been thinking about drafting a letter to my wife, but I don't know what to say. I worry about being sainted by my wife as a previous poster said, not that i am a saint, but because I certainly was the one that "rescued" my wife from her life of chaos...and has put up with her self-destructive behaviors. I worry that my death will push her over the edge to be honest, that she will lack the coping ability...so for these last few months I have to admit I have been very confrontational with her behaviors, trying to toughen her up to live her life alone, which she admittedly has been very afraid of. I have to admit, she has made my life a living hell, but at the same time my world has been very colorful because of her. She has had a very rough life...and I'm afraid my death will reaffirm the perception she struggles with that bad stuff will continue to happen to her. On the other hand, she is extremely gifted and capable and on cusp of earning 2nd Masters Degree so has good earning potential and is an influencer.
> 
> My point is that I want her to be able to move on...to continue to walk in healing. Given, there always is a mourning period...but I want her to believe that there can be better seasons in life and that there is a future still for her. IDK...I'm rambling. This is tough.


You are loved here and I will pray for you and your wife. Have faith. D


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## SimplyAmorous

omega said:


> *Thank goodness I have not experienced this but I cannot imagine that one would stop loving a spouse after they've died.*


 That could NEVER be... not when you've been with someone for half a lifetime....and it's been so good...Since I've been with my husband - who just turned 50 last month...we've accumulated over 22 photo albums full of memories...from our teens through all of our 6 children.. different homes...friends along the way... these things become a part of you -that will forever be in our hearts...

It gives me great joy (even if a little sadness) that times flies so very very fast...and seems more so now... but the memories are so cherished it can bring tears to my eyes ....that we'll never walk that way again.. but thank God he's still here with me...

I always say I hope we die together...



> *What I ALSO cannot imagine is being able to remarry. Obviously loads of people do it, but I just can't understand how it feels okay to do that. I feel that if my husband were to die, I am still married to him, since we never got divorced, so why would I want to marry someone else? *


 People feel very differently here...and it's easy to say while we have our spouses close to us... I remember sitting with my Step Mother in the hospital waiting room while my Father was getting some serious surgery..I can't remember how we got here in the conversation but she looked at me with tears in her eyes telling me my Father is the Love of her Life ....and she could never marry another man if something happened to him... She had me balling ...









Me & my husband has talked about this.. the "What IF's" of life... he has always said the same.. that it wouldn't be fair to the next woman, that none could come close...he'd just live for the children.. I always tell him he would get lonely... but he insists he would never marry again.. 

BUT ME... I don't see it this way at all.. even though I don't believe I could ever find a love as strong as what we share..I see him as my Soul mate in this life... I'd still desire to find another man to fill my days.. I would get bored with just children.... they have their own lives... and Girlfriends for companionship... I just know me all too well...

I'd have to lay down the comparisons though...and be open, not rigid to what I've always been used to.......I've told my husband if I found another half as good as him - in how he loves, what he brings, how we laughed together..... I'd probably have to consider...but I don't ever want to find out..


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## jld

You and your dh have such a beautiful mutual respect and esteem, SA. We need to hear that. Thank you.


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## frusdil

FormerSelf said:


> I have an incurable bone marrow cancer...multiple myeloma..


Oh FS, my heart goes out to you. MM has been in our family, I know exactly what you're going through.

Bless you for being so loving towards your wife.

I know that I could never remarry if something were to happen to my husband. He is the most wonderful man I've ever known and I don't think anyone else could even come close to the man that he is. He's not perfect by any means, but he's perfect for me 

He though, would remarry...and he would want me to as well. I just don't think I could.


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## loving1

I think it depends on the state of the relationship. My husband's relationship with his fiancee was disastrous, and from what I can tell he doesn't have any lingering love for her. He seems regretful and maybe a bit disgusted by the whole thing.


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## bandit.45

over20 said:


> What is your question?


??? I was sharing a story. WTF?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## over20

bandit.45 said:


> ??? I was sharing a story. WTF?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am sorry. I did not understand at first. Please forgive.


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## bandit.45

over20 said:


> I am sorry. I did not understand at first. Please forgive.


Peace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rev. Clonn

I have waited a long time to respond to this thread, sorry to zombie it but I could not do it sooner.
My first wife and I were friends of friends in high school, we were born 4 days and 14 miles apart. We connected the year after high school, and had our DD just after our 20th birthdays. We moved to another city for work and our son was born two years later. 
We were having problems when we found out we were pregnant again. Arguing and hurting each others feelings, being bad spouses.

When she had tests done at the OB/GYN she learned she was sick.

We put all talk of separating, aside and supported each other.

After 3 years of struggling she succumbed to multiple illnesses and the mistake of a DR who we never knew. Her DR was on vacation and another DR decided he could save her and did a procedure he botched, causing her to pass 6 months to a year sooner than she otherwise would have.

I was left with a 2 and 7 year old, and a broken heart.

I still love and miss her everyday. 
I have remarried and we just had our 16th anniversary. 
I still sometimes wake in a cold sweat calling for my first wife.

My current wife says she married me because I showed such a strong ability to give myself totally. 
If you truly love it lasts forever, I felt bad for some time not being able to fix my first marriage, but I recognize that I did ok, that I gave and received love and continue to.

I love her. I still do, forever.


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## over20

I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.


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## jimrich

SugarMonstaa said:


> I mean after many years do you just stop loving them and forget about them? I certainly wouldn't! I have not forgotten nor stopped "loving" a single person from my past who I loved and cherished. I am now a widower as of last May but have not forgotten or dumped anyone I ever liked or loved! Each of them is still special and dear to me and always will be!


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## sokillme

2013...


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