# Rapes Before Marriage Cause Issues



## okconfused (Jan 7, 2009)

It has been a long 3 months since my wife had a serious enough breakdown she ended up in the mental hospitol for 9 days. Since getting out she has continued in therapy. Through the therapy 2 seperate instances of rape from her childhood have come to out. One at 13 by a bf and 5 guys when she was 14 in a park. She has always been ok in the bedroom up to the point of actual penetration. When that happens she completely shuts down. She has stated in the past she could deal without penetration the rest of her life. Only after the rapes came out did I finally realize why she was the way she was during sex. Since we have tried and and just can't get anywhere fearing that she is having flashbacks or is just that turned off by it. Her therapist tells me I should just take it and be happy that she can even let me in. I tried once after that statement and continue until I finished and felt horrible like I had raped her because I just wouldn't give up. I just don't thinking taking it is the right thing to do. They say this could take a few years to resolve and work through. I just don't know if I can be without that long. I love her and she is my best friend, but thats a bit much to expect I think. My wife has told me to go get a woman BFF( If you know what I mean), but I can seem to think that will help. I understand her willingness to let me feel that while she heals. Is there anything that I can do to help or change this. I don't believe the therapist views?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okconfused-

If she is willing to have sex with you, it's not rape. It's not your fault that she was raped, nor can you make it up to her. The only way she will ever heal is by forgiving the people that did it. This might not ever happen of course.

When some one hurts us emotionally, it's like having a knife stuck in. By not forgiving, it's like holding in that knife and twisting it. Forgiving does not mean condoning.

If you stop having sex with her, she will get used to it, and it's highly likely she won't want it again for a very long time possibly forever unless he undergoes an epiphany.

You should keep up the dialogue, and be as loving to her as you can. Make her feel cherished. This might help: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/2750-men-want-more-sex-will-romance-help.html


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## okconfused (Jan 7, 2009)

She doesn't really cry out. She shuts down and turns her head! As if to say use me but I will not participate. Since reading about the rapes I have formed some kind of mind block to being able to finish in a satisfactory way. That is one of the problems. Almost like"whats the point if she doesn't want it and can't be involved". That roles over through my mind during the attempt. Her recent breakdown has been diagnosed as PTSD, and severe depression. Steming from emotional, verbal, and physical abuse at home stating around age 3 and the 2 seperate rapes. She just snapped one day from stuffing for 26 years. She claims she is trying hard to work on herself and until she completes that she has nothing to offer at fixing us. That leaves me in a little bit of a limbo. Therapists say this could be a very long journey to recovery. In ones words one of the worst cases she has had to deal with. We aren't talking the normal I am depressed here. We are talking deep down I am going to kill myself because I have no worth to anyone anywhere including to myself. She had made plans and began to execute them just before we put her in the mental facility for the 9 days. She had told stories to people of me abusing her and cheating on her so she could justify leaving me and moving in with her parents so she could kill herself on her moms white carpet. Yes mom was the abuser. I was confronted with this 2 days after she went in by our friends and some of her family. Both the abuse and cheating were not true and she confessed the lie when she got out. That has also hurt our replationship quite a bit. I am finding it hard to believe someone who could try to leave me by destroying me and then killing herself leaving me with no way to negate that stuff really loves me the way she claims to. Everyone would have thought I drove her to the brink! Believe me there is a world of stuff here and the sex is just a piece of it. I just simply don't want to do her anymore damage no matter what that is. She has no emotions nor feelings she can connect to anything since the breakdown with the exception of rage and anger. No love to be had.


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## okconfused (Jan 7, 2009)

She sees a therapist once a week for an hour and is on 4 different meds at the moment. She has had somewhat of a slide back in the last few weeks and has started snapping at our son more. He is starting to show signs of wear and tear. He's only 8! It has been a rough 4 months for sure. I don't know who she is now how to deal with her for the most part. Therapists say she shut down during the initial abuse at home around 3 and created an alternate her to hide the real her. Over years and continued tramatic events she lost complete conntection with herself and became this other thing. On top of it all I am not sure I even really know the true person my wife is as she doesn't even know that answer. I 'd start to let it drag me down and had gotten pretty down myself. Last week I said enough is enough and I wasn't going to let her disease control me too. Picked myself up and dusted myself off and on I go! I am a little affraid of what would happen if I get propositioned by some female! I am starving for something that she can't provide! LOVE! My heart is broken and bleeding inside for something I thought was my forever and now not sure it ever existed! I am trying to stay stong for her and our son! I just don't know how much more I can take. Let alone years of this till she heals!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okconfused-

Now that more of your story has come out, I have a different viewpoint. A woman who was prepared to kill herself and put you in the frame is not in a position to be a wife or a mother until she is completely healed.

If she is determined to "race to the bottom", maybe you have to save the children and yourself and let her get on with it. How can you even feel safe living with her.

I hope you have got witnesses that she made up the abuse thing against you. I hope the police know the full story, because you are playing with fire be even continuing.

How did it get to this? Surely you did not get married to a woman you knew to be a lunatic?


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## okconfused (Jan 7, 2009)

She is not a lunatic and I resent you for implying that! She has been through emotional, verbal, physical abuse from parents, rapes, premature birth of our son, cancer at the age of 22 leading to a full hysterectomy at the age of 27 due to the cancer. She has just been through a lot more than the average person. No when we got married the image she presented was not real. Once again she shut herself off around 3 and became what everyone else decided she was to be. As with any abusive situation people tend to hide it and very well most of the time. Out dating time was pretty normal, but it was obviously a front. She had walls up so high not even superman can break them down. Everyone and everything is shut out at this point. PTSD is like that apparently. It can cause a reactive many years after the trauma and that is apparently what went down a few months back. Yes everyone involved with the stories recieve a complete denile from her and an appology. The docs think she actually slipped out of reality a month or so before the whole outward breakdown took place. I love her and will go through the fire with her. Just hope I don't burn up in the process!


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

I've been reading through the posts and some things come to mind. If she's in therapy for rape counselling then usually that involves the partner of the victim at some stage. Rape crisis centres in the UK will counsel the partner/family even friends of the victim as well as the victim herself.

I find it very surprising that her therapist would tell you "that you should just be happy she'll let you in at all". That doesn't sound like very responsible advice. If you're in a postion where you need to post on an internet forum for advice then something is going wrong. The rape crisis centre will provide a support network of people you can talk to directly if you ask.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

> She is not a lunatic and I resent you for implying that!


I'm sorry, but if you look at your words below, she does at least come across as dangerous.



> She had made plans and began to execute them just before we put her in the mental facility for the 9 days. She had told stories to people of me abusing her and cheating on her so she could justify leaving me and moving in with her parents so she could kill herself on her moms white carpet


Had she died, you could have got 10 years in jail, had you been living in the UK if her story looked plausible. Also you would have been put on the sex offenders register and had a DNA sample taken - whether her story was plausible or not.

It is fantastic that you love her. My hat if off to you, but please don't be in denial over the scale of her difficulties, or what she is capable of.


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## okconfused (Jan 7, 2009)

Sarah-She is seeing a therapist for each and every one of the issues listed before. Not specific to the rapes alone. The rapes happened almost 15 years ago. They are a part of the whole picture of one messed up life. Therapist told me that it was a gift from her and I should be happy should could even give it.
MT-Sorry I snapped! Something about the lunatic just hit wrong! Believe me I am scared as hell over the whole thing. Yet everyone else expects me to just carry on not questioning her actions in the situation. Family and friends are very much on her poor her side and how dare I have issues with this. She is the one hurting and working through all of her issues. To this day I have not really recieved an appology for the lies she told. Everyone else got one for being lied to. I was just expected to let it go because it was part of her break from reality supposedly.


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## okconfused (Jan 7, 2009)

mommy22-I fully agree I need help with this. problem is she is spending all of our extra resources on her therapy and meds each month. Only thing I get is a once a month joint visit with her and her therapist. Believe me I let it all go in my 1 hr a month. Then pay for it for a week afterwards. I have a friend who is a LMFT and she has tried to somewhat give me a professional sounding board at least. I do have a lot of anger about the whole thing. I have next to no where to let it go so I stuff. A little pops out here and there.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okconfused said:


> Therapist told me that it was a gift from her and I should be happy should could even give it.


That is probably a fair assessment. How often are you having sex, and if asked will she confirm that she is happy to give it? You see, it is possible that she is happier to have sex with you than she lets on. Let me explain...

When someone has been abused, they often feel guilty about it. One of the reasons for this is that the encounter often has an element of eroticism in it for them, and this really screws up the person. For instance some women orgasm while being raped. After that, the whole notion of sex becomes a guilty pleasure. So she may be looking away from you, but that might be because she is getting more and more turned on, and therefore feeling more guilty. Do not attempt to tell her what I have just said. Simply check that she is happy to have sex with you.



okconfused said:


> MT-Sorry I snapped! Something about the lunatic just hit wrong!


I did not take it personally, I am only too happy to have my head bitten off, you deserve a sounding board - snap away 



okconfused said:


> Yet everyone else expects me to just carry on not questioning her actions in the situation. Family and friends are very much on her poor her side and how dare I have issues with this. She is the one hurting and working through all of her issues. To this day I have not really recieved an appology for the lies she told. Everyone else got one for being lied to. I was just expected to let it go because it was part of her break from reality supposedly.


Let's stick to the facts: Damaged people make a mess wherever they go, whatever they do, and with whoever they come into contact with. Of course you must question her actions. Somebody has to be the adult.

I understand that the Work of Byron Katie does very well with certain types of trauma:

The Official Site for The Work of Byron Katie Some of her courses are expensive, but if you got in touch with her personally, you might be able to negotiate, I sense she has a soft spot for your type of situation.

Buy her book, loving what is, and read it cover to cover. It helped me recently.


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## okconfused (Jan 7, 2009)

MT-I took your suggestion and went to Byron Katie's site. I have since downloaded the audio book you suggested and "The Work". I can only thank you for the best advice I could have ever gotten. I am most of the way through "The Work" and it is consuming me in it! So many things lost over time. I set my wife down and made her listen. I notice a little glimmer in her eye's as Katie went throguh a very like story to our situation and how she turned it around! OMG!!! The lights are coming on. I had the most fullfilling day I have had in so many years. Her words seem to have lifted so much. We are attending a workshop of Katie's in late Feb. By then we should be well versed in "The Work" process. I finally feel I can be me again with a clear path to move forward!!! Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okconfused-

I'm so touched. 

To be honest, when I found her, I was so impressed I thought I would have to give up giving advice, as she seems to have developed the fastest route to solving serious problems. I looked into doing her training and becoming a practitioner, but it is out of the question for me at the moment.

Since using her techniques on myself, I have pulled back from telling people what I think they should do, and have been focusing more on helping them expand their viewpoint, and coming to their own conclusions.


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