# Husband admits he has no confidence in me



## friese (Jul 25, 2014)

Help,

My husband and I have been married for close to 25 years. He has always been the sole provider and I was in charge on kids and house. We are both college graduates, but I have never worked in my career field.

Our marriage, I thought, was good. We have had many challenges over our time together; child with cancer, another child with depression issues. I have always felt like he just let me take care of things regarding the kids because he needed to work. (I would consider him a workaholic)

Two years ago he admitted to pursuing a long distance relationship with an old girlfriend. I knew he was acting different, but did not know why. He came to me and told me about inappropriate phone conversations, texts, etc.. He denies meeting up with this old girlfriend and I have tried to put that in the past and move forward. 

When he brought the news about the old girlfriend to me I began seeing a counselor. I thought there was something wrong with me and that something in me was missing that he went elsewhere to find. The counselor said that he was missing something in himself to look elsewhere. Anyway, long story short....I started going to counseling; mostly alone as he had to work.....the counseling uncovered that my dh really had used work to escape the responsibility of dealing with our life of sick kids and the stress it caused me. 

I have been back in forth in counseling over the past two years; beginning to understand that I had shut myself off to be the person needed to take care of the medical issues...non-stop for 15 plus years, so that my dh could escape by working late hours. I have been the one to arrange medical appointments, follow through on therapies, etc..

We currently experienced another crisis with our mental health child and he blames me for the problems. He tells me that he "doesn't trust that I don't exaggerate things to make a better story" This is absolutely untrue; this life is bad enough without editing. He says that he has not been more involved with the medical issues because "he cannot trust what I tell him regarding these issues" DH refuses to listen to medical professionals that this child needs additional long term help. (At least SIX doctors at top hospital) 

I know that I am NOT crazy and NOT making things up. The doctors at this hospital contact ME directly making decisions regarding the child and acknowledge that they are aware that staff and I are on the same page for treatment, but DH is in complete denial. He refused to accept that child needed long term help, so child was placed in 24/7 facility while he was out of town last week.

When DH found out about child placement he was furious. He accused me of "just wanting to be rid of child, making up reasons to get rid child, etc." When I calmly stated the facts of the situation he did agree, but then claimed I had "not done enough research on facilities". When I asked what his research had found, of course he had nothing but the "but I have to work, don't have time" 

When he arrived home from out of town he again expressed his disgust with what I had done "behind his back". He has told me that I need to make some changes so that he "can want to support my decisions" and until I can "quit elaborating on the situation" and "get my stories straight" that he WILL NOT stand behind me for anything. 

I know this is long. I hope it makes sense. I am emotionally exhausted and receive respect from my friends, my co-workers, the medical staff for the kids' needs and MY family. (I do believe his family thinks I exaggerate and make things up.....so they are not supportive)

Please give me some ideas. I feel like he has given up on me "Unless" I make some changes. I acknowledge I am not perfect, but I am also not in denial. I need emotional support more than ever right now and feel like this has moved from him ignoring reality to dragging me down about my decisions.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You sound incredibly strong and courageous with the things you've been through in dealing with the health of your children. I'm sorry your husband isn't on board with your decisions.

I've been in a situation with my son's health that my husband at the time, now X, blamed me for. In deciding what was right for my child led to a battle with the x I never dreamed would happen. In the end, it was a factor in the divorce. It wasn't the only issue, granted.

Just try to hang in there, I guess.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Where do I start....

First, you need to sit your husband down and tell him that he needs to take an active role in YOURS and YOUR FAMILIES life ON DAILY basis. Based on what you told me, you are working WAY harder then he ever have/and will......heck to him, job is a break. 

YOU NEED HELP/BACK UP FROM HIM.

Let me tell you, my wife raised 4 children just like you and we were lucky enough not to have health issues. I worked 8-4 <<<on the DOT for past 15+ years and I can't stress enough how important it was for me to be there at the dinner table,back up my wife, help/spend time with the kids....... each and every day. This alone can be THE reason why my marriage has been SO successful. Also to me, time with my family/kids/wife = priceless. I know it gets hard and difficult, but in the end I would NEVER EVER regret that. Your husband simply needs to cut down on hours/find a different job....or WHATEVER it takes for him to be there for YOU and the kids (that's right, BOTH).

Calculate EXACT amount of time he dedicates to you/kids. IN HOURS (spreadsheet if you have to). Share it with him in few weeks. Show him how ****ty he is ON PAPER.

Until that happens, I think you will simply be beating around the bush. 

Second, cheating, I would ask him for his phone, email passwords and account info for ALL the sites he uses. When you do it, WATCH HIM CLOSELY and expect the info right there and then. DO NOT give him any time to go off and delete/clear records. 

You have EVERY right to see if he has continued his "fling".

I would make sure he is still faithful. Especially if you have feelings he might not be. When you ask WATCH HIS REACTION (anger, upset etc = he has something to hide!!!). He should have NOTHING to hide.

Third, I would make sure you are clear on boundaries, as in absolutely no opposite sex relationships. He has cheated on your (at the VERY lease emotionally) and he needs to work HARD to earn your trust back.

Forth,forget about YOU, HE needs to be in counseling. Make that both of you at this point. 

I would also recommend to you to NOT give him ANY slack on all of the above. If he is not willing to work on these things, your marriage won't last anyways. 

Besides, ask yourself, is he really a good husband/father RIGHT NOW? Are you willing to put up with this FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? Learn to identify/recognize the person in front of you for who they are.

The reason why he had no say on that decision with your child, is because he spends very little time with you/family and SEEMS to have very little interest to do so. Why should HE have ANY decision power for something that he chooses to IGNORE!!!

Good luck


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hi, OP. I've been married 20 years and we have five children, one with cancer. I know how overwhelming that is. Big hugs.

Honestly, I think you would be better off filing for divorce. That might shock your husband into actually being a husband. I'm not sure anything else will.

Be ready for him to ask what he could do to not get divorced. He surely knows he's going to pay if he does accept a divorce. Have a list made of the changes you want to see, and be ready to make an appointment for marital counseling. Consider having him make the appointment, actually. See how serious he is about avoiding divorce.

So glad to hear you have a strong support system. We were living overseas when our son was diagnosed, and our support system was pretty much my husband and I and oldest child. Not easy.

Please feel free to PM me.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It seems that the only thing your husband contributes to the marriage and the family is money. He has no interest in you or your kids or being a partner. The child with the issues frustrates him, so he blames you and takes it out on you. AND he had the nerve to cheat on you, and I would lay bets that he still is. It would be in your best interest to do a little sleuthing and find out for sure. 

My advice would be to insist on marriage counseling. If he refuses, start looking for a job for yourself and make a divorce plan. It will either prompt change and improvement, or move you on. Either way it moves you away from the unhappiness and disrespect you have been going through.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> It seems that the only thing your husband contributes to the marriage and the family is money. He has no interest in you or your kids or being a partner. The child with the issues frustrates him, so he blames you and takes it out on you. AND he had the nerve to cheat on you, and I would lay bets that he still is. It would be in your best interest to do a little sleuthing and find out for sure.
> 
> My advice would be to insist on marriage counseling. If he refuses, start looking for a job for yourself and make a divorce plan. It will either prompt change and improvement, or move you on. Either way it moves you away from the unhappiness and disrespect you have been going through.


I agree

Heck, if she was to get a divorce would anything even change?

Doesn't seem like much would.....


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

He didn't rush home once he heard his child was placed in a 24/7 facility? That is crazy to me.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

richie33 said:


> He didn't rush home once he heard his child was placed in a 24/7 facility? That is crazy to me.


x2


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Wow. He isn't close enough to his own child to recognize a serious medical condition? Or he is, but is accusing you of Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome?

I have a hard time coming up with a serious medical condition that requires inpatient treatment that even a marginally involved parent would miss. He's in some kind of denial.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It seems that you would be better off divorced. At least you would not have to be concerned about him and his mean spirited family.

I agree with others, your husband has used work to avoid you and your children. He's not much of a husband or a father.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

If he really didn't have confidence and thought you exaggerated wouldn't he be more likely to call the hospital/doctors himself ect and hear about your child's medical condition straight from the horses mouth?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TiggyBlue said:


> If he really didn't have confidence and thought you exaggerated wouldn't he be more likely to call the hospital/doctors himself ect and hear about your child's medical condition straight from the horses mouth?


According to the OP, he does not believe the doctors either. The guys is into big time avoidance apparently.


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## friese (Jul 25, 2014)

Thanks for the input.

I do believe he is in serious denial. His family taught him well in that regard; if you don't like something, just pretend like it didn't happen and maybe it will take care of itself.

I am seriously considering divorce. I grew up in a home where my parents did NOT have a good marriage, so to even have a husband keep a job and come home at night seemed like I had hit the lottery. Sad, I know. I learned NOT to expect anything from my dad and I guess in turn I expect nothing from my husband. Up until lately he has stayed out of the health issues and I just took care of everything.......now, this mental health kid is "his little sweetheart that can do no wrong" and his involvement includes trying to make it out that I am 'imagining a problem'......this kid has LEGAL proceedings pending. This is NOT an imaginary problem

While trying to get my child help I flat out asked the counselor HOW and WHY husband could "not understand/know" the seriousness of the situation. The counselor said it was simply denial and that in order to WAKE him up to reality that I would most likely need to do something 'drastic'. The sad thing is he is a very smart man, but just refuses to face the reality.

Last night he told me he would get together some examples of my 'bad behavior' so that I can "work on getting some help". I cannot wait to see this list. We had been seeing a marriage counselor up until this latest mental health crisis with this child and from what we told the marriage counselor even he recommended long term treatment for the kid, as has the pediatrician, school counselors, kid's personal counselor, and the six different specialty drs. that saw her while in the hospital stay and outpatient (while waiting for additional help)...............

Right now with him trying to pretend like help is NOT needed it just infuriates me. I know he loves this child, but ignoring the issues are not going to fix anything.

Also....I did ask if he "didn't trust me" WHY in the world he put me in charge of these kids and their appointments? He could get a trained monkey to simply take kids to appointments and bring paperwork back to him. I am personally insulted, but more ANGRY that these kids mean that little to him.....If I thought someone was not taking proper care of my kids I certainly wouldn't allow them to make all of these important decisions!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

friese said:


> Also....I did ask if he "didn't trust me" WHY in the world he put me in charge of these kids and their appointments? He could get a trained monkey to simply take kids to appointments and bring paperwork back to him. I am personally insulted, but more ANGRY that these kids mean that little to him.....If I thought someone was not taking proper care of my kids I certainly wouldn't allow them to make all of these important decisions!


Who takes care of your children is not just his choice. He only has 50% of the say. So it's not like you are hired help who he can just fire. 

So no he could not just hire a monkey (or someone else) to do what you have been doing. The does not have the authority to do that.

He cannot disallow you from taking care of the children, they are your children too.

To me the issue is that he has refused to get involved himself on any real level. Then he blames you for making things up and doing things wrong. 

His game is to leave all the work up to you. Then he can blame you for everything that goes wrong.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

How old are you and H? 

How old are the kids? 

How old is the "mental health" kid? 

Do you and your H have regular sex?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Agree with the posters here... I assume he gets vacation? Perhaps you should tell him you'll be gone for (however many weeks of vacation he gets) visiting friend/beach/family/wherever, while you consider divorce - and let him make necessary arrangements. IF you don't think your children will suffer. Since he seems so sure he makes better decisions, let him make them. Have him take the time off from work to do your job.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

friese said:


> Last night he told me he would get together some examples of my 'bad behavior' so that I can "work on getting some help". I cannot wait to see this list.


My husband and I are very suspicious of men who use that phrase, "bad behavior," in reference to their wives, OP. It gets a lot of support here on TAM, though.

He's just blaming you. He is not looking at himself.


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## friese (Jul 25, 2014)

He is almost 50, I am 47

Kids 19 and 17 (mental health issues)

Sex; sporadic. Go up to a month with nothing. He falls asleep early most nights before 9pm.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

friese said:


> He is almost 50, I am 47
> 
> Kids 19 and 17 (mental health issues)
> 
> Sex; sporadic. Go up to a month with nothing. He falls asleep early most nights before 9pm.


A marriage in which there is sex 10 or fewer times a year is considered a sexless marriage. It sounds like your marriage can considered sexless or near sexless? If so whose choice is it? Do both of you sort of avoid sex? 

I asked about this to explore if part of his issue is lack of sex. But it sounds like he's the one who does not want to have sex much.


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## friese (Jul 25, 2014)

Thinking back on the sex question.....

I have always attributed the lack of sex to the stress (kids, health issues of kids, him being a workaholic)

BUT....there have been times during our marriage that we do have really good sex, then I try to get more and get turned down. I can recall having this problem even in our first years of marriage before kids and stress...........

I guess this is a bigger problem that I originally thought.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

friese said:


> Thinking back on the sex question.....
> 
> I have always attributed the lack of sex to the stress (kids, health issues of kids, him being a workaholic)
> 
> ...


What you wrote above is not real clear. Do you mean that he has always turned your advances down often?

How much time a week do the two of you spend doing things together that you both enjoy, just the two of you? 

My bet is that the bond/passions between the two of you died a long time ago. The relationship has been neglected and what you are going through is a very typical result.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

What I see here: 

A man who has never stepped up to in his life to do the difficult task, leaving it to someone else whenever he could.

I see this man now using what you've done against you, like a weapon to demoralise and hurt you. He cannot accept that he is a crap husband and father and has failed you, instead, he tries to make out that you are the failure. He knows deep down what he has done but cannot step up and admit it. It's much easier to bring you down than to face his demons.

What I see of you: you will react defensively, trying to show why you did this and that and how you have tried your best. Screw that. He knows what you've done and it doesn't make an ounce of difference. You need to stop trying to make him see and simply start standing your ground.

"I've done what needed to be done, you ran off and hid while the going got tough. You need to step up and prove you can be the man I thought I was marrying." 

At some point you have to realise you can't always be the one to give and give. Trust yourself. Stand up for yourself. Stop taking his sh*t and tell him how it is.


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## friese (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> What you wrote above is not real clear. Do you mean that he has always turned your advances down often?
> 
> How much time a week do the two of you spend doing things together that you both enjoy, just the two of you?
> 
> My bet is that the bond/passions between the two of you died a long time ago. The relationship has been neglected and what you are going through is a very typical result.



About sexual advances: He quite frequently turns down my sexual advances; usually using the excuse that he is too tired. I can remember early in our marriage that became his typical excuse.

Just the two of us doing something: IF we go to lunch alone once a week that would be the extent. He considers it "quality time" to come with me to Costco. The ONLY time he shows interest in doing things I want to do is if he is feeling guilty and then he makes an effort to show how persecuted he is.


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## friese (Jul 25, 2014)

Breeze.....I feel like you hit the nail on the head. What you are saying sounds a lot like my counselor's advice. She says I should just quit explaining myself to him because he doesn't listen anyway.

Example: I can tell him about an appointment coming up ten different times and he will still act surprised when it actually happens. Of course, him denying I ever told him about the appt. gives him (in his mind) the out that he didn't know, so couldn't possibly rearrange his schedule at last minute to attend.

I think him having an EA last year and admitting to it has really opened my eyes to how little he does for me (and his kids) When he told me about his EA he acted as though it was no big deal and told me "I just needed to get over it" I cannot imagine he would be impressed if I told him the same. My thoughts about the EA.....IF that were me cheating on him I would feel as though I constantly needed to reassure him that I was trustworthy, helpful, etc.. I never got that. 

Deep down I know what I need to do, but the truth is I really do love him. I know he probably loves me as much as he could love anyone, but that is NOT enough. I'm tired of being last on his list. His sudden interest in second-guessing my decisions on care for the mental health kid have really pushed me over the edge. I believe he is being more hurtful now than when he simply ignored the situation. When I stand back and look at things this makes it sound like "I need to be in control", but when he has failed to step up for all these years in health decisions, going to appointments, etc.. I do feel like I am the ONLY one capable of making difficult decisions. When he fails to address a problem....that in itself is a problem. 

I am really glad I found this board. It has been very helpful to me.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

friese said:


> Breeze.....I feel like you hit the nail on the head. What you are saying sounds a lot like my counselor's advice. She says I should just quit explaining myself to him because he doesn't listen anyway.
> 
> Example: I can tell him about an appointment coming up ten different times and he will still act surprised when it actually happens. Of course, him denying I ever told him about the appt. gives him (in his mind) the out that he didn't know, so couldn't possibly rearrange his schedule at last minute to attend.
> *
> ...


I have had the feeling since your OP that this is probably still going on, and by this point, very likely physical. His lack of remorse and sexual interest in you are my main reasons for thinking this. You may want to start doing some undercover work.


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## friese (Jul 25, 2014)

3XNoCharm....

I have often wondered if the EA was continuing OR possibly progressed. (He has to travel out of state quite often for work and often experiences "phone problems" or simply too busy to call home) 

Here's the sad part: I do not have the energy to pursue this. Maybe I am scared finding out the continuance of the affair? Maybe that would be what truly allowed me to call it quits? I don't know. Obviously with just a little digging I could find out. 

It seems like him telling me that "he couldn't trust me" could actually be a projection of how HE really feels about himself. 

Truth is, I finally am getting some real help (I hope) for the mental health kid and am just trying to collect my thoughts. I feel really REALLY used at this point by the one person who was supposed to have my back. I know I am an honest person and IF I didn't have outside friends, co-workers, etc.. to verify this my self esteem would be non-existent. I have always promoted him, bragged him up and I cannot remember him EVER doing that for me............I want someone who can be proud of me for ME......he is not. I don't feel there is anything I CAN (or even should) do to make him feel like "I'm the one". If he hasn't felt that way after all of these years, I don't think there is any way to get him to "feel that way" about me. 

I have told him that I CAN brag about him, promote him, stand behind him BECAUSE I feel that way about him. Maybe I am wrong, but if he can't see I'm honest, hardworking, good person after all of these years is there anything I can (or should) do to let him see that?

I also told him that I do love him and want him to experience the feelings I have for him.......even if it is with someone else. It is a great feeling to be in love and just want to do anything and everything for a person to make their life better. I just wish I was more aware earlier on to what a good marriage is and this wouldn't have continued.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My heart hurts for you, Friese.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Oh sweetheart, all I know is I'd be telling him where he could stick his list and then add that to the mix of 'bad behavior'.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

"You sound incredibly strong and courageous with the things you've been through in dealing with the health of your children." I absolutely second that. You sound like a wonderful women confronting serious problems with honesty, dignity, sensibility and courage. His everything is fine let me get back to work is a sad but sometimes accurate indictment of men who can sometimes have greater difficulty dealing with problems. 

For example, the rate of divorce following breast cancer is dramatically higher than male cancers. In addition to counseling, consider support group and other women may share their views. 

I had a son with some serious problems. I'll never forget the vice-principal calling me, ready to lambaste me and then he saw how my son treated me and became sympathetic to me (which was actually worse). He enrolled in a treatment program, worked hard, and is doing very very well thank G-d, and happily married. Sadly saying everything is fine does not make it so. 

Note women do not mind sympathy and support. Many men don't. He now seems more comfortable with conflict and argument. 

The choice of how to proceed is hard but he (your husband) is hurting too.


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Friese,

Just wondering if your husband feels it's over his head and can't fix it so left it to you but then attempts to get control back by criticizing how you worked out the problem?

I have a child with special needs and one that had an assault which resulted in a breakdown. During this time I had to do ALL the work at fixing things because as my husband said he was working. In the end I broke under the pressure and he had to step in and make some decisions but I don't recommend that as it was horrible. Instead, I wonder if you might consider telling him that you recognize he works hard (and you appreciate it) and that you understand that he wouldn't have had the time to research lots of options for decision making so to take the pressure off he could delegate all decision making around this issue to you? Also, that there may be some errors of judgment occasionally to be expected but that payoff is worth him not having to extend his work stress. Then possibly enlist the support of other family members who trust you. 

I know it doesn't sound like a fair arrangement but from what I understand your priority sounded like your child needs help now and getting things moving for their benefit. I can imagine that divorce would unsettle the kids even more at this point, maybe later if it's what you really want. Very difficult when someone is struggling to take responsibility. You sound strong and courageous!


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