# Husband told me last night he doesn't want to be married anymore



## Foxesandowls

I've been married for 16 years. In fact, we just celebrated our 16th anniversary last month. I don't want this to be a novel, but it needs a little backstory to make sense:
2.5 years ago, my husband had weight loss surgery. It wasn't until after his surgery that I read the stunning statistics about divorce after WLS. But, I digress. 

He loses about 200 pounds and starts working out and looks great. But, I start noticing some disturbing things--like how when he drinks now, he gets mean. And how shallow he's become. About 6 months ago, he gets mopey and quiet and won't really talk to me for about a week. I finally drag out of him that he feels trapped--he doesn't like our house. Wants to move to a better neighborhood, where we can walk to places like restaurants, etc. So, ever the supportive wife, I agree. I'm not in love with our current home--it's too big for us and the yard is too big and it's not in a great neighborhood. I think maybe this move will be good for us. So, we interview real estate agents and choose one. We start working on our house to get it ready to sell and one Saturday, he gets so drunk that he scares the crap out of me--breaks down the front door because it was locked and he couldn't be bothered to come in through the garage. He never threatened me or touched me, but he scared me, so I left for awhile with the dogs. He stopped drinking after that--after he was sober enough to realize what an ass he had been. And it's been a couple of months since he's had anything to drink. But, things didn't really get better between us and he was still pretty distant with me. I kept telling myself that it was just stress from doing all this work on the house (we've set ourselves a pretty tight schedule--time and moneywise). But, last night, he pissed me off by making a ****ty comment about getting rid of my dog because of her chronic ear infections. And I finally made him tell me what was really bothering him. The truth (as I suspected) was that he felt trapped not just by the house, but by his marriage to me and his responsibilities as a husband. So, we discussed selling the house and going our separate ways. He understands how ****ty this is. I haven't done anything wrong. And he said a couple of times that he was waiting to talk to me about this, and I said, "Waiting for what? Courage?" And he said, "Yes". I mean, there's no good time to tell your spouse you don't want to be married to them. I know that he doesn't want to look like an ******* to other people, but too bad. And I guess, so what? It's not their life. It's his. It's mine. My guess is that he wants to not be married so that he can sow his wild oats as a thin person. I don't think he's cheated on me. 

I'm a bit of a mess right now. I can't say this blind-sided me exactly. I saw it coming. I just hoped I was wrong about what I was seeing and feeling. But, I don't really know what to do. He asked me if I wanted him to sleep somewhere else last night (like the guest room) but I said, "All of the sheets and blankets are packed to go to storage!" So that was awkward and we commute together because we work two blocks from each other and the drive in was awkward. I know he feels guilty, but I don't actually care right now about how he's feeling. What I need right now is to figure out what I need to do to protect myself financially. Emotionally too, I guess. But, I know there's going to be fallout. One minute, I'll think "I'll be OK. Being single actually might be kind of nice. I'm an introvert anyway and like being alone. And I have the dogs" And the next moment, I'm trying to hide the fact that I'm crying at my desk. 

This sucks. Thank god we don't have kids.


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## *Deidre*

Does he want a divorce right away, or to be separated? Very sorry to read this, atm.


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## Foxesandowls

Thank you. I guess that's the confusing part because I asked him that and he kept saying "I don't know" and I told him that I think he DOES know. I was thinking about proposing a separation to see if being apart for awhile will change things for us.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Very sorry to hear of your difficulties. Everything you're feeling is quite expected under the circumstances. There is really no inconsistency in your feelings--being an introvert does not mean wanting to be alone all the time or not wanting a good relationship with someone special. 

Unfortunately his behavior is also quite consistent, awful as it is. People who feel "trapped" or like their life isn't where they want it to be often turn to drink. In my experience the ones who turn to drink under these circumstances, when they drink, the resulting loss of inhibition lets them spew all their anger and angst, especially at whoever is closest. It is a sad but consistent phenomenon.

There's nothing worse than a mean drunk. He broke down the door? Not a good sign. He has been mean to you and he has been physical with your home. It's quite possible he is on the path to being physical with you. Right now, job one is your safety. Has his anger ever manifested in such a way as to make you feel if you were in danger, even a little bit?


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## Young at Heart

16 years of marriage and loosing 200 pounds. Sounds like a possible mid-life crisis and searching for a new identity. 

If you want to stay married to him, I would suggest that he get some serious counseling, if for no other reason than his mean violent outbursts when he got drunk. 

good luck


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## Foxesandowls

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> There's nothing worse than a mean drunk. He broke down the door? Not a good sign. He has been mean to you and he has been physical with your home. It's quite possible he is on the path to being physical with you. Right now, job one is your safety. Has his anger ever manifested in such a way as to make you feel if you were in danger, even a little bit?


No. I've never felt in danger. But, his anger and his outbursts make me very anxious and they scare the dogs, which makes me very protective and it's not something I can get him to understand--I'm pretty sure he believes that since he didn't hit me, yell at me or hurt the dogs, it's OK to act like he does. I'm an extremely calm person, so I don't understand that rage--I know that he just gets mad at himself--for making a mistake or messing something up, but I just can't relate to it so he says I'm dismissive of how he feels. I probably am. It always brings that quote from The Big Lebowski to mind, "You're not wrong Walter; you're just an *******."


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

https://www.obesitycoverage.com/before-after/alcohol-after-weight-loss-surgery/

Drinking after weight loss surgery is not a good idea

Does/Did he see a therapist after his surgery? It's probably a good idea now if he'd go.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Foxesandowls said:


> No. I've never felt in danger. But, his anger and his outbursts make me very anxious and they scare the dogs, which makes me very protective and it's not something I can get him to understand--I'm pretty sure he believes that since he didn't hit me, yell at me or hurt the dogs, it's OK to act like he does. I'm an extremely calm person, so I don't understand that rage--I know that he just gets mad at himself--for making a mistake or messing something up, but I just can't relate to it so he says I'm dismissive of how he feels. I probably am. It always brings that quote from The Big Lebowski to mind, "You're not wrong Walter; you're just an *******."


i think you're reading him correctly. It's common for angry men to think that, since they haven't done the worst, that whatever they have done is not grounds for complaint. But this is still no way for you to live. 

He is having great difficulty processing his own feelings. Any chance you can get him into counseling? Not as a pressure thing, but as a concern thing -- "I know you're struggling right now, would love to see you get some help." If he's adamant against, you really need to be under separate roofs.


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## *Deidre*

Foxesandowls said:


> Thank you. I guess that's the confusing part because I asked him that and he kept saying "I don't know" and I told him that I think he DOES know. I was thinking about proposing a separation to see if being apart for awhile will change things for us.


I think that's a good idea, to separate. At least to think clearly for you both, and then come to a more permanent decision. Sending positive thoughts your way for now!!


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## Blondilocks

It sounds like he thought the weight loss would automatically give him a brand new life and he's disappointed that he's still him. It would be a good idea to consider a physical separation with well established ground rules so that you both can wrap your minds around the new reality.


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## Openminded

If you separate and agree not to date, be aware there's -- obviously -- no way for you to be sure he won't. Of course, if you're giving him this time to date then that doesn't apply. 

Whatever you do, have ground rules in place but know that you will have to trust him to do as he says he will.


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## GusPolinski

If he's not cheating then he's at least thinking about it.

As in a lot.

And he may even have a specific someone in mind.

Propose a trial separation and see what he says; if he goes for it, ask him if he plans on dating while separated. If he says yes, tell him that you'll be dating as well. If he says no, tell him that you will be.

Do this in person while looking at him -- you'll want to be able to see the look on his face as the conversation progresses.


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## Handy

I have read stories of people fixing up a house to sell and buying a new house, the stress gets to people and they act different. So, there is the drastic weight loss and now the house/work/money things. 

Sell the house and rent for a while to see if things change for the better. Some people buy right away and then divorce.


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## David51

Foxesandowls said:


> I've been married for 16 years. In fact, we just celebrated our 16th anniversary last month. I don't want this to be a novel, but it needs a little backstory to make sense:
> 
> 2.5 years ago, my husband had weight loss surgery. It wasn't until after his surgery that I read the stunning statistics about divorce after WLS. But, I digress.
> 
> 
> 
> He loses about 200 pounds and starts working out and looks great. But, I start noticing some disturbing things--like how when he drinks now, he gets mean. And how shallow he's become. About 6 months ago, he gets mopey and quiet and won't really talk to me for about a week. I finally drag out of him that he feels trapped--he doesn't like our house. Wants to move to a better neighborhood, where we can walk to places like restaurants, etc. So, ever the supportive wife, I agree. I'm not in love with our current home--it's too big for us and the yard is too big and it's not in a great neighborhood. I think maybe this move will be good for us. So, we interview real estate agents and choose one. We start working on our house to get it ready to sell and one Saturday, he gets so drunk that he scares the crap out of me--breaks down the front door because it was locked and he couldn't be bothered to come in through the garage. He never threatened me or touched me, but he scared me, so I left for awhile with the dogs. He stopped drinking after that--after he was sober enough to realize what an ass he had been. And it's been a couple of months since he's had anything to drink. But, things didn't really get better between us and he was still pretty distant with me. I kept telling myself that it was just stress from doing all this work on the house (we've set ourselves a pretty tight schedule--time and moneywise). But, last night, he pissed me off by making a ****ty comment about getting rid of my dog because of her chronic ear infections. And I finally made him tell me what was really bothering him. The truth (as I suspected) was that he felt trapped not just by the house, but by his marriage to me and his responsibilities as a husband. So, we discussed selling the house and going our separate ways. He understands how ****ty this is. I haven't done anything wrong. And he said a couple of times that he was waiting to talk to me about this, and I said, "Waiting for what? Courage?" And he said, "Yes". I mean, there's no good time to tell your spouse you don't want to be married to them. I know that he doesn't want to look like an ******* to other people, but too bad. And I guess, so what? It's not their life. It's his. It's mine. My guess is that he wants to not be married so that he can sow his wild oats as a thin person. I don't think he's cheated on me.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm a bit of a mess right now. I can't say this blind-sided me exactly. I saw it coming. I just hoped I was wrong about what I was seeing and feeling. But, I don't really know what to do. He asked me if I wanted him to sleep somewhere else last night (like the guest room) but I said, "All of the sheets and blankets are packed to go to storage!" So that was awkward and we commute together because we work two blocks from each other and the drive in was awkward. I know he feels guilty, but I don't actually care right now about how he's feeling. What I need right now is to figure out what I need to do to protect myself financially. Emotionally too, I guess. But, I know there's going to be fallout. One minute, I'll think "I'll be OK. Being single actually might be kind of nice. I'm an introvert anyway and like being alone. And I have the dogs" And the next moment, I'm trying to hide the fact that I'm crying at my desk.
> 
> 
> 
> This sucks. Thank god we don't have kids.




Go get a lawyer, empty the bank accounts. That will be a good start. Call the police and have him removed from the home, change the locks and get a restraining order. File for divorce!


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## Cynthia

Foxesandowls said:


> Thank you. I guess that's the confusing part because I asked him that and he kept saying "I don't know" and I told him that I think he DOES know. I was thinking about proposing a separation to see if being apart for awhile will change things for us.


I don't believe in trial separations. I don't think they work for most marriages. Usually one person is hanging on while the other is sleeping around. It usually turns out worse than if the couple had divorced in the first place. He obviously wants to sleep around. He's no longer happy with you and he's been behaving like a jerk. Better to cut your loses and let him go. Your husband should be honoring and protecting you, but instead he is telling you he's done with the marriage. You don't need to be treated like that.

I recommend you get at least one comprehensive book about divorce in your state and read it, so you are not taken advantage of by an attorney. Legal advice is great, but blindly trusting a professional to handle everything for you is not in your best interests.


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## *Deidre*

How are you doing today, @Foxesandowls?


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## Bibi1031

I agree with the poster that mentioned midlife issues here. It is in your best interest to set yourselves free. See a lawyer and end tbks as quickly as possible. 

If things change, you can always start dating again, but at least you will have taken care of business if things turn for the eorse and he indeed slready has your replacement in mind.


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## Evinrude58

Anytime a man wants to leave the bedroom from his wife, you can figure it's because his needs are being met elsewhere.

Your guy thinks now that he's "skinny", he is a hit item and sold himself short marrying you. He wants to play the field with his newfound body.

This is not a man that you want to keep, he's one that you should let go. Introvert or not, you'll find a better man than this if you make yourself available. And he will likely gain all the weight back eventually. And then some.


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## WorkingOnMe

People on TAM always say it's better to divorce than cheat if you're not happy. Then when it happens the hypocrites all come out to say how bad divorce is and accuse the man doing the right thing of cheating. 


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

WorkingOnMe said:


> People on TAM always say it's better to divorce than cheat if you're not happy. Then when it happens the hypocrites all come out to say how bad divorce is and accuse the man doing the right thing of cheating.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No hypocrisy here:
When people say it's better to divorce rather than cheat, they are talking about spouses who have been abused or neglected--that the fact their spouses are not doing their part is not a valid excuse for cheating. If the spouse is destroying the marriage, don't cheat; divorce THEN seek happiness elsewhere.

That's NOT the situation the fella here is in.


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## Evinrude58

WorkingOnMe said:


> People on TAM always say it's better to divorce than cheat if you're not happy. Then when it happens the hypocrites all come out to say how bad divorce is and accuse the man doing the right thing of cheating.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk[/QUOTEThe
> 
> The guy had weight loss surgery and suddenly wants a divorce. He should divorce her so she can be free to find a man who will actually love her.
> Hypocrites? Lol. Someone has an odd perspective tonight.


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## Foxesandowls

*Deidre* said:


> How are you doing today, @Foxesandowls?


Thank you for asking. I guess I'm all right today. I was really busy packing the kitchen for things to go into storage tomorrow and he and I didn't speak much; we were painfully polite to each other. He asked me at one point how I was doing and all I could say was, "I'm pretty overwhelmed". 

I talked to a friend today about the situation and when I first told her we were splitting up, she didn't believe me.. We stood in the home furnishing aisle of a store and hugged while I cried. It actually made me feel better. Even though I was a little embarrassed to be crying in the middle of the coffee mug and water bottle section of a store. :|

Many replies here have mentioned the idea that he's cheating and the thought of that makes me a little ill. But, it's been mentioned so many times that I can't really discount it--that if he hasn't cheated, he's been thinking about it. 

We're getting a u-haul tomorrow and our realtor will be here to tell what should stay for staging. My nephew will be here to help too. It's going to be an awkward, stressful day. 

Thank you again for asking how I'm doing.


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## Foxesandowls

By the way, have any of you ever read the statistics on the divorce after one spouse has weight loss surgery? I had not, but had I at the time he had surgery, I would have believed that our marriage, that we, that I was strong enough to keep us together. Mostly people change for the better after WLS. He didn't (physically he did, but not emotionally). It wasn't just the drinking--which I'm aware is a bad idea after any weight loss surgery. His tolerance to alcohol completely changed. He quit drinking in July. 

What I'm realizing now, and I think am no longer in denial of is that as much as he doted on me and was "safe" and stable, he has always been pretty selfish. I don't want him to sound like a villain. I'm not perfect. I'm sure I made mistakes in our marriage.


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## EleGirl

It sounds like your husband wants to shed everything in his life, after shedding the weight. It's not all that unusual. Sadly he's setting himself up for a huge crash.

If you want to try to save your marriage, you might want to consider getting into counseling to help you deal with this. Your husband might be mouthing off and not really wanting things to change. you might want to just go through the motions while he figures out who he is now. 

I don't think that a separation is a good idea at all. Most of them end in divorce with a lot of nasty drama going on. If you separate, you can pretty much expect that he will be cheating. That's usually what happens. Most of the time when someone says that they need space, it means code for "i want to date someone else and I cannot do it living in the same house with you."

Either stay and give it some time... until either you give up or he files for divorce, And if you stay and give him a bit of time to see if you changes his mind, set a time limit... 6 months to 1 year. After that if he's not 100% back in the marriage, divorce him. Or just divorce him now.


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## David51

Foxesandowls said:


> Thank you for asking. I guess I'm all right today. I was really busy packing the kitchen for things to go into storage tomorrow and he and I didn't speak much; we were painfully polite to each other. He asked me at one point how I was doing and all I could say was, "I'm pretty overwhelmed".
> 
> 
> 
> I talked to a friend today about the situation and when I first told her we were splitting up, she didn't believe me.. We stood in the home furnishing aisle of a store and hugged while I cried. It actually made me feel better. Even though I was a little embarrassed to be crying in the middle of the coffee mug and water bottle section of a store. :|
> 
> 
> 
> Many replies here have mentioned the idea that he's cheating and the thought of that makes me a little ill. But, it's been mentioned so many times that I can't really discount it--that if he hasn't cheated, he's been thinking about it.
> 
> 
> 
> We're getting a u-haul tomorrow and our realtor will be here to tell what should stay for staging. My nephew will be here to help too. It's going to be an awkward, stressful day.
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you again for asking how I'm doing.



When a man wants out of a marriage there is almost always another woman in the picture. 


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## Evinrude58

It's better you don't have any, not one smidgen of hope that he will change his mind. Don't wait. He is making the decision to divorce you. Just as soon as you're emotionally stable, let some stable man with some character take you out. Don't settle in one right away. Make them treat you right. 

There is no reason with all the men in the world, that you have to settle for a man that doesn't love you. This one clearly loves himself more than anyone else.


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## *Deidre*

Foxesandowls said:


> Thank you for asking. I guess I'm all right today. I was really busy packing the kitchen for things to go into storage tomorrow and he and I didn't speak much; we were painfully polite to each other. He asked me at one point how I was doing and all I could say was, "I'm pretty overwhelmed".
> 
> I talked to a friend today about the situation and when I first told her we were splitting up, she didn't believe me.. We stood in the home furnishing aisle of a store and hugged while I cried. It actually made me feel better. Even though I was a little embarrassed to be crying in the middle of the coffee mug and water bottle section of a store. :|
> 
> Many replies here have mentioned the idea that he's cheating and the thought of that makes me a little ill. But, it's been mentioned so many times that I can't really discount it--that if he hasn't cheated, he's been thinking about it.
> 
> We're getting a u-haul tomorrow and our realtor will be here to tell what should stay for staging. My nephew will be here to help too. It's going to be an awkward, stressful day.
> 
> Thank you again for asking how I'm doing.


I think it's fair to say, you'll be overwhelmed for a while, and to just accept that you'll have good and bad days. It will become more about your healing, and less about what he's doing that will get you through, eventually. Break ups are really hard, I'm newly married (got married in May) but emotionally speaking, I've had some tough break ups when dating, and I can only imagine how much more the pain is when married, because you've devoted your life to someone, and have assets, etc. to deal with. I agree with others that there's likely a woman in mind, sorry to say, but that doesn't mean that you weren't enough, it just means that he needs outside affirmation from other women to make him feel good about himself. That's often times what cheating is about. You won't fall apart, you can get through this, and you will. But, make sure that you create some boundaries in place when it comes to him, because so many stories I've read on here, of the spouse who has asked for a divorce, comes crawling back to the other spouse, for a second chance (after he/she realizes the grass wasn't greener) So, just beware that he might do that down the road.

I'll keep checking on you here, sending you positive thoughts for the week.


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## Foxesandowls

@*Deidre*

You are very sweet to check on me. I'm alone right now--the boys are taking the truck to storage. By the end of the day, I'll have an almost empty house. On the one hand, it's going to feel really nice to not have so much stuff about (it's AMAZING the amount of things we've accumulated over the last 7 years in this house and the 18 years we've been together). But, I was just walking around the house, feeling very sentimental. 

While we were loading the truck, I asked him what he wanted to do with the box of Reidel wine glasses I bought him as a gift and before I could engage my brain, I said, "You can smash them into a thousand tiny pieces for all I care" He said, "That was kind of mean." And I said, "Yeah, it just sort of popped out." I'm not usually that snarky, even when I'm angry. :\ I imagine this kind of thing is going to happen again. He's been on his "best" behavior since our conversation Thursday. 

I'm going to go have a nice cup of tea, watch a video and write for awhile before they come back to haul stuff to the dump. I think self-care right now is really important.


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## Evinrude58

Whenever you are feeling awful and sad and angry and numb at the same time, remember that you now have the chance to meet a man that has some real character and will make you feel just as good as you feel bad right now.

Please know that you won't feel this bad forever. You will heal from this . Your Malcontent husband will stay miserable forever. I venture to say in 5 years you will realize what a gift he foolishly gave you by divorcing you. 
Once you accept he's gone, you will get better faster. You'll see. You haven't seen your best days yet.


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## aine

Foxesandowls said:


> I've been married for 16 years. In fact, we just celebrated our 16th anniversary last month. I don't want this to be a novel, but it needs a little backstory to make sense:
> 2.5 years ago, my husband had weight loss surgery. It wasn't until after his surgery that I read the stunning statistics about divorce after WLS. But, I digress.
> 
> He loses about 200 pounds and starts working out and looks great. But, I start noticing some disturbing things--like how when he drinks now, he gets mean. And how shallow he's become. About 6 months ago, he gets mopey and quiet and won't really talk to me for about a week. I finally drag out of him that he feels trapped--he doesn't like our house. Wants to move to a better neighborhood, where we can walk to places like restaurants, etc. So, ever the supportive wife, I agree. I'm not in love with our current home--it's too big for us and the yard is too big and it's not in a great neighborhood. I think maybe this move will be good for us. So, we interview real estate agents and choose one. We start working on our house to get it ready to sell and one Saturday, he gets so drunk that he scares the crap out of me--breaks down the front door because it was locked and he couldn't be bothered to come in through the garage. He never threatened me or touched me, but he scared me, so I left for awhile with the dogs. He stopped drinking after that--after he was sober enough to realize what an ass he had been. And it's been a couple of months since he's had anything to drink. But, things didn't really get better between us and he was still pretty distant with me. I kept telling myself that it was just stress from doing all this work on the house (we've set ourselves a pretty tight schedule--time and moneywise). But, last night, he pissed me off by making a ****ty comment about getting rid of my dog because of her chronic ear infections. And I finally made him tell me what was really bothering him. The truth (as I suspected) was that he felt trapped not just by the house, but by his marriage to me and his responsibilities as a husband. So, we discussed selling the house and going our separate ways. He understands how ****ty this is. I haven't done anything wrong. And he said a couple of times that he was waiting to talk to me about this, and I said, "Waiting for what? Courage?" And he said, "Yes". I mean, there's no good time to tell your spouse you don't want to be married to them. I know that he doesn't want to look like an ******* to other people, but too bad. And I guess, so what? It's not their life. It's his. It's mine. My guess is that he wants to not be married so that he can sow his wild oats as a thin person. I don't think he's cheated on me.
> 
> I'm a bit of a mess right now. I can't say this blind-sided me exactly. I saw it coming. I just hoped I was wrong about what I was seeing and feeling. But, I don't really know what to do. He asked me if I wanted him to sleep somewhere else last night (like the guest room) but I said, "All of the sheets and blankets are packed to go to storage!" So that was awkward and we commute together because we work two blocks from each other and the drive in was awkward. I know he feels guilty, but I don't actually care right now about how he's feeling. What I need right now is to figure out what I need to do to protect myself financially. Emotionally too, I guess. But, I know there's going to be fallout. One minute, I'll think "I'll be OK. Being single actually might be kind of nice. I'm an introvert anyway and like being alone. And I have the dogs" And the next moment, I'm trying to hide the fact that I'm crying at my desk.
> 
> This sucks. Thank god we don't have kids.


F&O, this is very tough, but sounds like your H is an absolute prick who doesn't know what he has until he loses it. I suspect getting thin, he thinks the world is now his oyster, he sounds very shallow tbh. 
As the saying goes, when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time', take him at his word and act accordingly:

1. start doing the 180 on him to emotionally detach
2. Go see a lawyer to ensure you are covered financially and that he cannot pull any nasty tricks on you
3. Remember this man is no longer your H, he is now the enemy
4. Consider getting into some therapy or counselling for yourself
Do you have close friends or family you can turn to, to be a support through this?

You can get through this.


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## aine

Foxesandowls said:


> By the way, have any of you ever read the statistics on the divorce after one spouse has weight loss surgery? I had not, but had I at the time he had surgery, I would have believed that our marriage, that we, that I was strong enough to keep us together. Mostly people change for the better after WLS. He didn't (physically he did, but not emotionally). It wasn't just the drinking--which I'm aware is a bad idea after any weight loss surgery. His tolerance to alcohol completely changed. He quit drinking in July.
> 
> What I'm realizing now, and I think am no longer in denial of is that as much as he doted on me and was "safe" and stable, he has always been pretty selfish. I don't want him to sound like a villain. I'm not perfect. I'm sure I made mistakes in our marriage.



I guess its like marriages when an alcoholic gets sober, the dynamic changes in that person and in the marriage and many end up failing as a result


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## aine

Foxesandowls said:


> @*Deidre*
> 
> You are very sweet to check on me. I'm alone right now--the boys are taking the truck to storage. By the end of the day, I'll have an almost empty house. On the one hand, it's going to feel really nice to not have so much stuff about (it's AMAZING the amount of things we've accumulated over the last 7 years in this house and the 18 years we've been together). But, I was just walking around the house, feeling very sentimental.
> 
> While we were loading the truck, I asked him what he wanted to do with the box of Reidel wine glasses I bought him as a gift and before I could engage my brain, I said, "You can smash them into a thousand tiny pieces for all I care" He said, "That was kind of mean." And I said, "Yeah, it just sort of popped out." I'm not usually that snarky, even when I'm angry. :\ I imagine this kind of thing is going to happen again. He's been on his "best" behavior since our conversation Thursday.
> 
> I'm going to go have a nice cup of tea, watch a video and write for awhile before they come back to haul stuff to the dump. I think self-care right now is really important.


Why should you be sensitive with his feelings? He is a POS for doing what he has done, say what you feel, let him see the extent of what he has done to you. This is no time to ***** foot around him, who gives a F*** about what he thinks or feels!


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## Satya

Foxesandowls said:


> While we were loading the truck, I asked him what he wanted to do with the box of Reidel wine glasses I bought him as a gift and before I could engage my brain, I said, "You can smash them into a thousand tiny pieces for all I care" He said, "That was kind of mean." And I said, "Yeah, it just sort of popped out." I'm not usually that snarky, even when I'm angry. :\ I imagine this kind of thing is going to happen again. He's been on his "best" behavior since our conversation Thursday. .


I think this is really great and you shouldn't feel bad about it. This was your truth and he needed to hear it. And you needed to let it out.

I acted very similarly when my ex H and I were splitting. He also just wanted an amicable, quiet split but I was pissed off inside and felt incredibly betrayed. Don't stuff your feelings or you won't heal as well.


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## 3Xnocharm

What is your living arrangement while the house is on the market? Make sure if you are staying in the house that HE is the one to move out of the bedroom. HE is the one who wants all this, so HE can make concessions where needed. I'm sorry you are going through this, such a shame that something that was supposed to be a positive change has turned out so negative.


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## BetrayedDad

Foxesandowls said:


> Thank god we don't have kids.


Amen. Consider it a blessing. It will make the break up clean.

As for the shallow turd you married. Looks fade and people get old but fools stay fools.

Good people are VERY hard to find. He will probably get his wish and find a "skinny" girl to lay.

What he will soon realize is, odds are good, she will be bat **** crazy. Good women like you are already taken.

Go make another guy lucky. Forget this fool, he did you a favor by showing you his TRUE colors.


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## Foxesandowls

3Xnocharm said:


> What is your living arrangement while the house is on the market? Make sure if you are staying in the house that HE is the one to move out of the bedroom. HE is the one who wants all this, so HE can make concessions where needed. I'm sorry you are going through this, such a shame that something that was supposed to be a positive change has turned out so negative.


We're both staying at the house. But, he's been sleeping downstairs in his office. I feel like a jerk, but then I remember what's happening and I stop feeling guilty.


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## Foxesandowls

BetrayedDad said:


> Amen. Consider it a blessing. It will make the break up clean.
> 
> As for the shallow turd you married. Looks fade and people get old but fools stay fools.
> 
> Good people are VERY hard to find. He will probably get his wish and find a "skinny" girl to lay.
> 
> What he will soon realize is, odds are good, she will be bat **** crazy. Good women like you are already taken.
> 
> Go make another guy lucky. Forget this fool, he did you a favor by showing you his TRUE colors.


Thanks. I have thought about all of that. And whoever he hooks up probably will be bat**** crazy. Which, he kind of deserves.


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## Foxesandowls

Satya said:


> I think this is really great and you shouldn't feel bad about it. This was your truth and he needed to hear it. And you needed to let it out.
> 
> I acted very similarly when my ex H and I were splitting. He also just wanted an amicable, quiet split but I was pissed off inside and felt incredibly betrayed. Don't stuff your feelings or you won't heal as well.



This morning, I was feeling guilty about it and the fact that I barely spoke to him yesterday. But, I can't talk to him right now without either crying or raging at him, so I thin silence is the best thing---it's self-preservation more than anything else.


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## Bibi1031

The anger stage is rearing its blessed head here. That it good. Anger propels action and if that action is positive, you will not feel depressed, sad or bad for too long. 

I think some honest Individual counseling will really benefit you and your future partner. You are going to be OK. Just take care of YOU and detach from him and his new skinny, confused self!

Time to set some goals for the future and start thinking of new beginnings with an attitude change that will reap positive outcomes. You didn't fail, you did nothing wrong. You will be OK, but it will take some time. Allow the feelings to come and think of positive outlets to channel that anger. Wanna hit something? How about a punching bag at the gym? How about a nice walk or run with your dogs? How about driving to a solitary place and cry, scream to your lungs content. That is very therapeutic, or it was for me anyway. I felt so at peace when I drove out to shout and cry out! :smile2:

You are wounded, allow yourself to heal and take your time doing it. There is no way out of mourning but through it.


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## Foxesandowls

Bibi1031 said:


> The anger stage is rearing its blessed head here. That it good. Anger propels action and if that action is positive, you will not feel depressed, sad or bad for too long.
> 
> I think some honest Individual counseling will really benefit you and your future partner. You are going to be OK. Just take care of YOU and detach from him and his new skinny, confused self!
> 
> Time to set some goals for the future and start thinking of new beginnings with an attitude change that will reap positive outcomes. You didn't fail, you did nothing wrong. You will be OK, but it will take some time. Allow the feelings to come and think of positive outlets to channel that anger. Wanna hit something? How about a punching bag at the gym? How about a nice walk or run with your dogs? How about driving to a solitary place and cry, scream to your lungs content. That is very therapeutic, or it was for me anyway. I felt so at peace when I drove out to shout and cry out! :smile2:
> 
> You are wounded, allow yourself to heal and take your time doing it. There is no way out of mourning but through it.



I was wondering if separation/divorce, etc. has the same sort of cycle that grief does--denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I think it is probably similar. 

I believe I will be OK. I just want it to be over now and not drag out. :| 

Thank you for your positive encouragement. I do love walking with my dogs and I love to drive--I got "lost" after I dropped off my friend on Saturday and I ended up taking a really long drive through some beautiful, windy backroads and it really cleared my head. I've also been meaning to take some additional self-defense classes (because I love it and I think I'll probably train to teach it soon), so...I think a big punching bag would be a good present for myself. 

I'm opening a separate bank account today and I'll be doing a lawyer search this week. 

Thank you again. The encouragement and support I've gotten here so far has been pretty amazing.


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## Magnesium

Foxesandowls said:


> I was wondering if separation/divorce, etc. has the same sort of cycle that grief does--denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I think it is probably similar.
> 
> I believe I will be OK. I just want it to be over now and not drag out. :|
> 
> Thank you for your positive encouragement. I do love walking with my dogs and I love to drive--I got "lost" after I dropped off my friend on Saturday and I ended up taking a really long drive through some beautiful, windy backroads and it really cleared my head. I've also been meaning to take some additional self-defense classes (because I love it and I think I'll probably train to teach it soon), so...I think a big punching bag would be a good present for myself.
> 
> I'm opening a separate bank account today and I'll be doing a lawyer search this week.
> 
> Thank you again. The encouragement and support I've gotten here so far has been pretty amazing.


In my experience, yes divorce is a loss and you can expect to experience a grief cycle. 

I have been living alone now for a year or so and I have never been happier. I am an introvert, too, and I have two dogs and two cats. It was weird at first and took a bit of time to adjust, but I love it so much I'm pretty sure I'm ruined for ever living with another person again. Once I realized how free I was, I was able to embrace it fully....it's really a wonderful feeling. 

My dogs are much happier now, too, sans the drama of me being stressed all the time along with all the attention they get in the form of more and longer walks, better quality treats, more one on one time, etc. (My cats were adopted since being on my own.)

I hope you're able to find a lovely little place for yourself and your dogs and begin this process with a fresh start. I hope the healing comes quickly.


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## Openminded

Divorce is a tough process but it's worth it when you're happy in your new life. BTDT.


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## Elizabeth001

Magnesium said:


> In my experience, yes divorce is a loss and you can expect to experience a grief cycle.
> 
> 
> 
> I have been living alone now for a year or so and I have never been happier. I am an introvert, too, and I have two dogs and two cats. It was weird at first and took a bit of time to adjust, but I love it so much I'm pretty sure I'm ruined for ever living with another person again. Once I realized how free I was, I was able to embrace it fully....it's really a wonderful feeling.
> 
> 
> 
> My dogs are much happier now, too, sans the drama of me being stressed all the time along with all the attention they get in the form of more and longer walks, better quality treats, more one on one time, etc. (My cats were adopted since being on my own.)
> 
> 
> 
> I hope you're able to find a lovely little place for yourself and your dogs and begin this process with a fresh start. I hope the healing comes quickly.




I really like this post!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Foxesandowls

Magnesium said:


> In my experience, yes divorce is a loss and you can expect to experience a grief cycle.
> 
> I have been living alone now for a year or so and I have never been happier. I am an introvert, too, and I have two dogs and two cats. It was weird at first and took a bit of time to adjust, but I love it so much I'm pretty sure I'm ruined for ever living with another person again. Once I realized how free I was, I was able to embrace it fully....it's really a wonderful feeling.
> 
> My dogs are much happier now, too, sans the drama of me being stressed all the time along with all the attention they get in the form of more and longer walks, better quality treats, more one on one time, etc. (My cats were adopted since being on my own.)
> 
> I hope you're able to find a lovely little place for yourself and your dogs and begin this process with a fresh start. I hope the healing comes quickly.


Thank you for your post. This is so lovely to hear (read). Since last Thursday, when I'm feeling blue, I start thinking about how peaceful it's going to be to live alone. The dogs for sure will be less stressed, because I will be less stressed. And I've decided I'm going to have an all pink kitchen!!  

People keep talking about finding a man who deserves me and I appreciate the sentiment, but I have this feeling that I may end up really like being by myself. As a self-proclaimed introvert, I find that people exhaust me and I need alone time to recharge. I can be around people and I have social graces and sometimes when I tell people that I'm an introvert they don't believe me. I have a couple of dear friends and one of them was my husband--we were a team. But, I think I'll be just fine flying solo. 

Thank you again for your posts. I'm glad you've found happiness.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

It will be up and down. I am such an introvert too and I love my alone time and being on my own. Take some time to just be happy in it. If you get to the point where you want a relationship, you'll know they have to be really amazing to be added to your happy life and not just someone who will fill a void. 

I made myself a list of things I wanted to do. Movies I wanted to watch and never could because he didn't like them, tv shows, having at home spa nights without someone being all "WTF is on your face" Listening to my music and dancing around the empty house. Cooking the food I liked without having to cater to his preferences. 

Live it up and enjoy it.


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## Rubix Cubed

Foxesandowls said:


> People keep talking about finding a man who deserves me and I appreciate the sentiment, but *I have this feeling that I may end up really like being by myself.* As a self-proclaimed introvert, I find that people exhaust me and I need alone time to recharge. I can be around people and I have social graces and sometimes when I tell people that I'm an introvert they don't believe me. I have a couple of dear friends and one of them was my husband--we were a team. *But, I think I'll be just fine flying solo. *
> 
> Thank you again for your posts. I'm glad you've found happiness.


 And this is exactly why you will find someone worthy of you,actually more than likely they will find you.


I also wouldn't be surprised if once your husband comprehends the change that is about to come he pulls an about face. What would you do if that happened? What is your plan when the house sells?


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## chillymorn69

Weight loss surgery has a big failure rate with a fair bit of complication/ side effects.

Time will tell.does he have the extra skin problem?


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## Foxesandowls

Rubix Cubed said:


> And this is exactly why you will find someone worthy of you,actually more than likely they will find you.
> 
> 
> I also wouldn't be surprised if once your husband comprehends the change that is about to come he pulls an about face. What would you do if that happened? What is your plan when the house sells?


I guess it's just not my main focus-to find someone new. But, it might happen. 

I've been thinking about that. If he has second thoughts it's from fear of the unknown and the shame of ending our marriage. But, he can't really unring that bell. So, if he tells me he's changed his mind and doesn't want to split up, I will insist on counseling. I'm 95% sure he wouldn't go for it. 

After the house sells, my plan is to buy a house that I can afford on my own. I already have a mortgage broker and a real estate agent. I think his plan is similar, but I think he's going to be looking for a condo because he doesn't want a yard. I would love to live way far out in the country, but that might not be practical for commuting.


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## HeartbrokenW

My ex also didn't want to be married anymore. He left me hanging in limbo so i hired the lawyer and filed. Best decision I ever made. That was almost 5 yrs ago now. I'm at peace now but it was rough in the beginning. I cried ALOT. I think my trust is shot though. I'm 50+ and really don't see me letting myself get close to anyone.

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


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## Openminded

At some point you may want a new relationship -- or not. I was in a very long marriage and I have serious trust issues. I date occasionally on a casual basis but there's no way I'm ever going to have another relationship. Time will tell what's right for you.


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## SunCMars

Young at Heart said:


> 16 years of marriage and loosing 200 pounds. Sounds like *a possible mid-life crisis and searching for a new identity. *
> 
> If you want to stay married to him, I would suggest that he get some serious counseling, if for no other reason than his mean violent outbursts when he got drunk.
> 
> good luck



Yes, to MLC, for sure.

The little, fit man has burst out of that large land mass that he unhappily pitched his tent on/in.
................................................................................................

The other thing:

Is he taking weight loss medications? Some are strong amphetamines.

Some of them speed up a person metabolism and spin the mind at 13K rpm's.

Anabolic steroids do this too.

I would start THERE.

Be careful. I had an employee jump me in a meeting for 'calmly' questioning his inexplicable failure to get a project done. It was a critical part of the job [milestone] and was holding up many others.

He, literally, jumped out of his chair, tackling me in front of a dozen people. :surprise:

He was a body builder and on drugs. Later confirmed to be steroids. And the guy was a long time friend. Amazing.


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## Foxesandowls

SunCMars said:


> Yes, to MLC, for sure.
> 
> The little, fit man has burst out of that large land mass that he unhappily pitched his tent on/in.
> ................................................................................................
> 
> The other thing:
> 
> Is he taking weight loss medications? Some are strong amphetamines.
> 
> Some of them speed up a person metabolism and spin the mind at 13K rpm's.
> 
> Anabolic steroids do this too.
> 
> I would start THERE.
> 
> Be careful. I had an employee jump me in a meeting for 'calmly' questioning his inexplicable failure to get a project done. It was a critical part of the job [milestone] and was holding up many others.
> 
> He, literally, jumped out of his chair, tackling me in front of a dozen people. :surprise:
> 
> He was a body builder and on drugs. Later confirmed to be steroids. And the guy was a long time friend. Amazing.


Oh my god. I'm sorry that happened to you. What happened to the employee? Did he get fired ?


Well, yeah, you're spot on about the Mid-life crisis thing. And no, he's not taking Weight loss drugs. He had a VSG--different from a gastric bypass, but it has the same effect. And he's talked about taking steroids to increase his size. I've expressed my concerns about the effects of anabolic steroids on his personality. He's already short-tempered. :|


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## KevinZX

You have had some good advice her so far and i can only add to this by saying that you don't have to hurry into anything, give it some time, he sounds like he is very confused after the weight loss and his ego is high as he is more attractive, but his drinking and mood swings will scare a lot of women off him, if on the other hand you want out then by all means get out and start again, thank god you don't have kids is right, it will be a simpler process but will still have obstacles and hurdles to overcome, good luck.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Foxesandowls

Just wanted to come by and say that I had a pretty good weekend. Busy as all get out, but I went and looked at some houses with my realtor and am highly encouraged by the inventory I'm finding in my price range. AND I had a productive, honest conversation with my husband and while we both believe that going our separate ways is the best thing for both of us, I'm actually at peace with it (at the moment). 

I'll keep coming back here--the support I've gotten is VITAL. Just being able to "talk" to others who are going through this or who have gone through is lending me so much needed strength. And I want to be able to return the favor.

Edited because I can't type.


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## 3Xnocharm

Foxesandowls said:


> Just wanted to come by and say that I had a pretty good weekend. Busy as all get out, but I went and looked at some house with my realtor and am highly encouraged by the inventory I'm finding in my price range. AND I had a productive, honest conversation with my husband and while we both believe that going our separate ways is the best thing for both us, I'm actually at peace with it (at the moment).
> 
> I'll keep coming back here--the support I've gotten is VITAL. Just being able to "talk" to others who are going through this or who have gone through is lending me so much needed strength. And I want to be able to return the favor.


This is awesome to read, thank you for sharing. Its so good that you are finding yourself in peace. I think it exciting that you are going to be able to purchase a house for yourself, there is no feeling like it!


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## Evinrude58

When you get back to yourself after dealing with all this and get stable, some guy is going to come along and you'll likely thank your ex for giving you the opportunity to meet a decent guy.
Kudos on your positive state of mind. It's hard. You'll make it. You sound like a far stronger person than I am, and I made it.


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## Foxesandowls

Evinrude58 said:


> When you get back to yourself after dealing with all this and get stable, some guy is going to come along and you'll likely thank your ex for giving you the opportunity to meet a decent guy.
> Kudos on your positive state of mind. It's hard. You'll make it. You sound like a far stronger person than I am, and I made it.


My husband and I actually talked about this last night--it's weird to me that we're having such open conversations now. I've never hidden anything from him, but I tend to be pretty emotional and typically just shut down/up/off when we start discussing something upsetting. But, it's like now my filters are off and I can be way more honest with him. It makes me a little sad that it is taking something so major to make this happen. I was actually joking with him this morning about having to learn to cook (damn I'm going to miss his cooking). I told him for the first month I'm on my own, I'll probably only eat Cheerios and string cheese like I'm six years old. And he said, "These conversations are pretty surreal. Do you think other couples going through this have these weird, open conversations?" And I said, "Probably--unless they hate each other." 

And thank you. I think I'm pretty strong. Not going to lie though--I cried myself to sleep the other night.


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## just got it 55

Foxesandowls said:


> Thank you. I guess that's the confusing part because I asked him that and he kept saying "I don't know" and I told him that I think he DOES know. I was thinking about proposing a separation to see if being apart for awhile will change things for us.


Fox Just give him what he wants and show him the door

Let's see how fast he turns his new skinny azz around and comes sniffing back to the M

I can't stand these people that take the surgical way out of a lifetime of poor decisions.:|

My guess is faster than a Kimbrill fastball

55


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## Blondilocks

Since you're getting along, have him teach you how to cook some of your favorites. It's the least he can do.


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## Foxesandowls

Blondilocks said:


> Since you're getting along, have him teach you how to cook some of your favorites. It's the least he can do.


Well, he does love to mansplain. I kid...sort of. 

Actually, I've learned a lot just watching him. But, I think that's probably a solid idea. 

Cheers!


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## Foxesandowls

Hi everybody! 

Just checking in. Last week was a whirlwind--getting ready for photos. The hard part is done, according to our realtor. Now, we just have to deep clean and make sure stuff is hidden for showings and open houses. Sign for the house goes up Thursday, open house Sunday. I'm doing pretty well and he and I are still talking and getting along. We've fired some shots over the bow (verbally) when we're feeling snarky, but for the most part, it's been pretty peaceful. 

I found THE house I want, but I have to wait to make an offer...I just hope it is still on the market once our house goes up for sale. Keeping my fingers crossed. Work has been weird. I ended up telling my HR person because I wanted to warn her that I may need some "mental health" time. I'm glad I told her; it's been really hard to concentrate on work lately and I feel like a slacker, but I'm getting all the important crap done and I figure I'll deal with any lingering things later. Haven't been sleeping great, but that's totally surprising. 

Anyway, just wanted to stop by here and tell you all that I'm alive and getting by.


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## 3Xnocharm

Thanks for updating, sounds like progress is being made! How are you feeling about things?


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## Foxesandowls

3Xnocharm said:


> Thanks for updating, sounds like progress is being made! How are you feeling about things?


Most days, really pretty good. I feel a little guilty for this, but I'm actually excited about the prospect of living on my own and exploring things in my world by myself. I've been looking at furniture and decor and I'm looking forward to decorating my own house. And being solely accountable for my own finances. We've done pretty well as a couple, but I'm really looking forward to being in charge of everything. is that weird? 

I think now I'm just impatient to have it all done. I want to get the house sold, buy my own house, etc. and just be on my own.


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## Bibi1031

I am delighted to hear that you are moving on with you new life and can't wait to get there. That is a very good sign for your future. May you get the house you want!

Thanks for the update.:smile2:


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## Magnesium

I'm so glad to read your updates. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. Don't feel guilty for being excited to take control of your life again; it is a wonderful feeling! It's not as though you dumped your husband because you just wanted so badly to handle your checkbook alone:wink2: He made the choice and you're able to see that there is a positive side to all of this and there are things you'll be able to enjoy again.

I'm really happy things are moving along. I do hope you are able to get the house you want and that your current house sells quickly.

I'll be looking for your updates.

Take care!


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## Foxesandowls

It's been awhile since I checked in. We finally got an offer and they accepted our counter. That house I wanted got sold. Ah, well. There are other houses that I have my eye on and now begins the fun part. My husband is such a negative nelly though. He says he won't feel really relieved until we close on the sale on the 8th. My guess is that he is just one of those people who will always look at the dark side of things and cannot enjoy even the small wins. I'm mostly happy because now we don't have to lock the dogs in the garage and tidy the house every darned time we leave! Ha. See? The small things. 

I was super stressed about earnest money (coming up with it if I made an offer on a house), but I figured out how to get it, so today was actually a really great day overall. 

Anyway, I'm doing all right. We're still getting along--even better than we used to now that we're not trying to band-aid our marriage together. So weird. 

Going on some house tours with my real estate agent this weekend. 

Hope you all are doing well or as well as you possibly can be doing.


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## 3Xnocharm

Awesome update, sounds like you are doing well!


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## Magnesium

Hey, thanks for the update. Glad you're doing well and I'm hoping you find the right house for you. And, YAY for your dogs!


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## VibrantWings

Glad that you are a positive person...it will definitely help you get where you want to go 

Thanks for the update!


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## aine

Foxesandowls said:


> It's been awhile since I checked in. We finally got an offer and they accepted our counter. That house I wanted got sold. Ah, well. There are other houses that I have my eye on and now begins the fun part. My husband is such a negative nelly though. He says he won't feel really relieved until we close on the sale on the 8th. My guess is that he is just one of those people who will always look at the dark side of things and cannot enjoy even the small wins. I'm mostly happy because now we don't have to lock the dogs in the garage and tidy the house every darned time we leave! Ha. See? The small things.
> 
> I was super stressed about earnest money (coming up with it if I made an offer on a house), but I figured out how to get it, so today was actually a really great day overall.
> 
> Anyway, I'm doing all right. We're still getting along--even better than we used to now that we're not trying to band-aid our marriage together. So weird.
> 
> Going on some house tours with my real estate agent this weekend.
> 
> Hope you all are doing well or as well as you possibly can be doing.



You are going to be ok and move on to a much happier life. I suspect your STBXH will not, he is not happy within himself and is looking for external happiness. You will move on meet someone else and live a fulfilling life without him.


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