# Right decision



## sun1 (Feb 28, 2013)

Arranged marriage. Married for a year- no kids. I have tried hard to like my wife, but I cannot like her. 

She loves me and cares for me, but from the bottom of my heart, I only have dissatisfaction, disagreement and aversion. 

I know if she marries someone else, that person would be a much better husband than me.

Neither am I happy nor is she, what to do?


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I'm not gonna get into the religious side of this.. but....I think this is a set up for disaster with this type of situation.
______________________________________

Anyways on to the topic at hand..

What do you parents think. Are you willing to be excommunicated from your family if you end this.

Would Sharia Law come into effect in this situation?


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## sun1 (Feb 28, 2013)

No, it is just my personal decision. Since I live in US, the laws of the this land apply.
My family will completely accept my decision. It may be hard on my wife though.

Remarriage is not uncommon in my country, but not extremely common either. 

So, it is just a moral decision that I have to make. Its been driving me crazy because, I want to make a decision and stick to it rather than live in a limbo.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Have you spoken to your wife about how you feel?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

If you are not in love, you are not in love.

Although I am finding it crazy hard to come to grasp with but... you can't make someone love you. So basically she can't make you love her.

If it is not there.. you two are room mates with a legal paper holding you together.

I would sit with your father if it is a moral decision as he was a huge part of arranging this situation.

Was your parents marriage arranged too?


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## sun1 (Feb 28, 2013)

Daisy: I told her that I dont love her. It was hard to say that but after the many arguments and disagreements, I had to tell her that. I told her that she is a great person but I am just not compatable with her. I tried hard to be with her and do things with her - but there were numerous issues and we could work around them. We didnt make any progress on those issues. She is fine with it and she thinks that I am her husband for life. I told her that these are the list of issues and we need to work on them. When she repeatedly ignored those issues, I stopped talking.


Jason: Yes, my parents marriage was arranged too. Although, I lost my Mom when I was 3, my Dad raised me and I have immense respect for him. In fact, before the marriage I spoke to the woman on the phone and she seems reasonable and hence wanted to proceed. Before getting married I saw the woman only once. I did not like her and told my Dad. He told me that physical beauty is transient. I didnt have a valid argument and I convinced myself that someday I might like her. It has been a rough ride since then.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

sun1 said:


> Daisy: I told her that I dont love her. It was hard to say that but after the many arguments and disagreements, I had to tell her that. I told her that she is a great person but I am just not compatable with her. I tried hard to be with her and do things with her - but there were numerous issues and we could work around them. We didnt make any progress on those issues. She is fine with it and she thinks that I am her husband for life. I told her that these are the list of issues and we need to work on them. When she repeatedly ignored those issues, I stopped talking.
> 
> 
> Jason: Yes, my parents marriage was arranged too. Although, I lost my Mom when I was 3, my Dad raised me and I have immense respect for him. In fact, before the marriage I spoke to the woman on the phone and she seems reasonable and hence wanted to proceed. Before getting married I saw the woman only once. I did not like her and told my Dad. He told me that physical beauty is transient. I didnt have a valid argument and I convinced myself that someday I might like her. It has been a rough ride since then.


I think you need to clarify for yourself what it is you want from a relationship, and what you want in a wife. Some people (maybe your wife, it sounds like) look for stability as a priority - they want a home, and someone who'll take care of them and vice-versa. Someone like that is perhaps more likely to stay in a loveless relationship, because it is stable and comfortable. Their most important needs are met. 

I'm pretty sure that statistically, arranged marriages are just as successful (or more) than other marriages. This is probably because people are terrible at picking their mates, and look for all the wrong things. People don't stop to think about what they actually want from a relationship (the relationship itself - not the girl/guy).

If there is something fundamentally more important to you than the current stability you have, then it may be best to move on. I personally don't think it's worth the stress and depression that comes from trying to please someone who's functioning on a different level (in this case that applies to both of you). Also, there are enough people on this world that no matter what you're looking for, it's out there (and likely nearby).

With that said, if stability IS very important to you, I would think you'd have a sound appreciation for someone who will clearly be loyal to you to a tee. It sounds like your wife could contribute to a very comfortable and stable home.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Sun1, 

I was not in an arranged marriage. I actually chose my husband. And I was married about 2 1/2 years before my divorce. Also, no kids.

If it's not there, it's not there. I don't believe you can force it. 

I know our situations are different, but I quickly fell out of love with my ex-husband because of many things. I resented him and did not find him attractive. We did not have a sex life. I was very unhappy in my marriage. He was, too. Although he'd never admit that to anyone. 

I am very happy that I made the decision to leave. Before we had kids together. I don't know if I ever would've left if I had children with him. 

Ultimately, it's your decision. I would suggest that you talk to her and you talk to your family. Hopefully, your family will support your decision either way. 

Good luck!


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I am so sorry that you were not allowed to feel REAL love


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## sun1 (Feb 28, 2013)

Faiora: You got the exact picture of what I am dealing with. She is positive, a faithful wife, happy and she takes care of me if I am sick. All this in spite of me not even talking to her. She forces herself to do things for me. Great. She has a soft corner in my heart for all the things she does although I never admitted this to her. I dont talk to her because she doesnt deal with the issues we have. She doesn't care whether I hate her or never talk to her. I want her to appreciate what I am feeling. If I am sad or angry and dont talk to her, I want her to ask me what the matter is and why I am not speaking with her. I want her to connect to my emotions at a deeper level and feel my pain. When she continues to behave as if all is well even if I dont talk to her for days and months, I feel disconnected. I want her to challenge me. I want a life partner who I can set goals with together to make every day better than yesterday in health and spirit.

Daisygirl: Yes, I did speak to my wife about how I feel since we got married. For a month after we got married, she lived in her shell, talking to her family in closed doors and living her own life. I was annoyed that she didnt greet me when I came home from work even when I did. In the beginning she was lazy and never did the housework. I like a clean house - and we usually had arguments about housework. We used to do it together, but eventually, I was mad that I had to work all day and come home in the night and do the dishes and help her out. So, I told her to take care of the housework and I would just work long hours at work. She whined, but agreed. If I loved my wife, I wouldn't have minded working all day and coming home to help her 50% with her chores. 

So we had 'talk sessions' about these things. Perceivable things like cleaning, etc she took care of, but emotionally she was always disconnected. She never understood what was wrong I suppose. She would soon forget all about what we agreed upon during the talk sessions. Since she was so emotionally disconnected, I felt easily frustrated because she didnt see through my feelings. Somehow, she never feels the need to find out strongly why I dont talk to her. In one of our 'talk sessions' when I told her that she doesnt understand me emotionally, she told me that I have to be more explicit about my feelings. I told her that she is right. But for me somethings are obvious, like if I am upset about something she does even after repeatedly telling her not do repeat it. Then I dont speak to her for a few hours, she doesnt get back to me to find out why. Then I just continue to keep quiet hoping she would ask me why I am treating her that way. It kills me to stay quiet, but I want her to ask me and find out whats wrong. I want to vent my emotions.


Rose: I know that I am not in love with her. But she serves me well and she is ready to devote her entire life and spend it with me. But she never tolerates physical abuse - which is understandable. I am not saying that I abuse her. But, a couple days ago, she wanted me to go for a walk. However, I have stopped doing things with her because she doesnt resolve the issues between us. She forced me and dragged me to go to walk with her. When I frantically waved my hand to stop her from dragging me out of the bed, I hit her hand. Then she called 911 reporting "My husband is beating me". Then she hung up the phone and a couple minutes later she apologized for calling the cops. Then the cops came and we had a chat. I cannot come to terms if she loves me or is afraid of me. I don't like living with someone who fears me. I am not a monster. I dont think love and fear can exist together. I am confused, someone who understands the woman psyche should help me out here.
Rose, I am not saying that we have dont have a sex life. I know this sounds wierd, but although I dont talk to her, at times my harmones go haywire and we do get into the physical act, but again I continue to not talk to her. Let me ask you a question. Before you got divorced, did you evaluate a situation where you may be single your whole life and it would still be better than being with your partner? Also, did you evaluate another case where you were in a dilemma if you would ever find your true love especially since you would a little older after you got divorced?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

sun1 said:


> Rose: I know that I am not in love with her. But she serves me well and she is ready to devote her entire life and spend it with me. But she never tolerates physical abuse - which is understandable. I am not saying that I abuse her. But, a couple days ago, she wanted me to go for a walk. However, I have stopped doing things with her because she doesnt resolve the issues between us. She forced me and dragged me to go to walk with her. When I frantically waved my hand to stop her from dragging me out of the bed, I hit her hand. Then she called 911 reporting "My husband is beating me". Then she hung up the phone and a couple minutes later she apologized for calling the cops. Then the cops came and we had a chat. I cannot come to terms if she loves me or is afraid of me. I don't like living with someone who fears me. I am not a monster. I dont think love and fear can exist together. I am confused, someone who understands the woman psyche should help me out here.
> Rose, I am not saying that we have dont have a sex life. I know this sounds wierd, but although I dont talk to her, at times my harmones go haywire and we do get into the physical act, but again I continue to not talk to her. Let me ask you a question. Before you got divorced, did you evaluate a situation where you may be single your whole life and it would still be better than being with your partner? Also, did you evaluate another case where you were in a dilemma if you would ever find your true love especially since you would a little older after you got divorced?


Being single is better than being with my ex-h. I would rather be happy and single than in a marriage where my husband had nothing to do with me. I don't feel the need to be married to complete my life. 

Being 32 does not deter me from finding my true love and having a happy life. There are many people who don't get married of have children until they are in their 30s. I didn't get married until I was 29 anyway. I wanted to have a career and find the right person. Unfortunately, it didn't work out.

In my case, it was my husband who refused to deal with our issues. We tried counseling, but he never made any changes. He refused to see the issues and wanted to just sweep everything under the rug, thinking it would go away if he didn't think about it. I could not do this.

I don't think that you are helping the situation any by not talking to your wife at all. That seems to be a punishment and she does not deserve that. Nobody does. My ex-h would give me the silent treatment when I would bring up anything that upset him (like the issues in our marriage.) Sometimes he would ignore me for days. I truly feel that is a type of abuse. 

I don't know how you view marriage, especially as it is an arranged marriage. But, it takes two to make it work. You say she refuses to work on the issues, but do you think that ignoring her and refusing to speak with her is helping at all? 

What are some of the issues you want her to deal with? Is there anything you can do to help? Would you consider some sort of couple's counseling where you two can discuss these things and begin to work as a couple addressing the issues?


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

sun1 said:


> But, a couple days ago, she wanted me to go for a walk. However, I have stopped doing things with her because she doesnt resolve the issues between us. She forced me and dragged me to go to walk with her. When I frantically waved my hand to stop her from dragging me out of the bed, I hit her hand. Then she called 911 reporting "My husband is beating me". Then she hung up the phone and a couple minutes later she apologized for calling the cops. Then the cops came and we had a chat. I cannot come to terms if she loves me or is afraid of me. I don't like living with someone who fears me. I am not a monster. I dont think love and fear can exist together. I am confused, someone who understands the woman psyche should help me out here.


This is... scary. What's to stop her from working up the nerve to punch herself in the face, then calling the police, if you do something she doesn't like? If your story is accurate, then this is unacceptable and I would get out of that situation immediately. That is a breach of trust.

I realise everyone has their own idea of what physical abuse is (up to a point I'm sure), but in my books, slapping someone's hand is typically something you can talk about, not something you call the cops about. That's not to say that what you did is necessarily okay, but it's also not a "beating" as it sounds like she suggested. 

Her action was far more vicious and extreme than yours. In fact, it almost comes across as a threat/reminder that you married her, and if you want out of it, she's going to be the one in control. 

Maybe I'm reading too much into it - I wasn't there - but I'm completely taken aback by that story.


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## sun1 (Feb 28, 2013)

Faiora: The story is accurate, except that I did not add the verbal part, when my hand hit her, I also shouted at her saying her to act sane and that she has to stop. I sensed that she didn't like my tone.

Rose: I read your comment yesterday, and I sat thinking about what you said for a couple of hours just sitting in my car. I was mentally preparing a list of what you asked for. I classified them as 3 lists: issues resolved, issues that I am working to resolve with her, and issues that I have failed to resolve with her. There were far too many in the first list, a lot in the second list, and a few in the third list. Then something came to my realization. I found that when I imagine myself divorced, I see myself as my former self - very happy, free and joyous - and I was convinced that I would be way happier to be single the rest of my life than to be married to her. Suddenly, I also realized that I would also be responsible for ruining her life. Women from my country treat marriage as a life time relationship. There is a social stigma associated with divorce. Also she is also less prettier than the average - so it would be even harder for her if she decided to move on. And since I married her (obviously not for her looks), I cannot ever forgive myself if she is not happy too after her divorce - because the only reason I want this divorce is because although she has a good heart, she is not compatible to me- she doesnot connect with me emotionally - she serves me as a doll - but she doesnt see the soul in me - she doesn't feel the emotions I feel - somehow she never understands my emotions - it is as though I am a robot to her. I have been living in a limbo, either I have to be in the marriage or out of it, not in-between like I am now. Your post has helped me make this decision. Since, I can never forgive myself for seeing her distressed after the divorce, _I have to stay in the marriage_ although I have no feelings for her. 
So, the only way to live the rest of my life this way is to live a life-of-rules and not a life-of-love. Since she constantly ignores our issues - I am going to print all my issues out along with what I expect of her and give it to her. This way, atleast I can easily remind her and I can see progress on the issues. Although I dont have feelings for her, I have decided to befriend her and make another list of things that I should do with her - go to salsa classes, arrange date nights every month, agree to exercise together, agree to work hard on written goals, eat healthy, etc. By having a positive chart with written out goals, hopefully I can live a life of hope and self improvement. I think this is the best I can do.

I have lived in a shell and a life of denial for the past one year. I was in such a bad state of mind that I could never talk to any of my friends or family about these issues. My friends had happy marriages - and I didn't know who to turn to to talk about my most personal issues. I lost all my friends - all my friends must be mad at me now for ignoring them all these months. I tried calling my best friend yesterday after a year, and he didnt even answer back - I can understand - because I never picked up his phone when he called me a million times- I was in such a state that I couldn't talk to anyone. I am all alone now. I feel like a loser. 


To All: Thanks a ton for all your time and advice. I cannot thank you all enough.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

sun1 said:


> Faiora: The story is accurate, except that I did not add the verbal part, when my hand hit her, I also shouted at her saying her to act sane and that she has to stop. I sensed that she didn't like my tone.
> 
> Rose: I read your comment yesterday, and I sat thinking about what you said for a couple of hours just sitting in my car. I was mentally preparing a list of what you asked for. I classified them as 3 lists: issues resolved, issues that I am working to resolve with her, and issues that I have failed to resolve with her. There were far too many in the first list, a lot in the second list, and a few in the third list. Then something came to my realization. I found that when I imagine myself divorced, I see myself as my former self - very happy, free and joyous - and I was convinced that I would be way happier to be single the rest of my life than to be married to her. Suddenly, I also realized that I would also be responsible for ruining her life. Women from my country treat marriage as a life time relationship. There is a social stigma associated with divorce. Also she is also less prettier than the average - so it would be even harder for her if she decided to move on. And since I married her (obviously not for her looks), I cannot ever forgive myself if she is not happy too after her divorce - because the only reason I want this divorce is because although she has a good heart, she is not compatible to me- she doesnot connect with me emotionally - she serves me as a doll - but she doesnt see the soul in me - she doesn't feel the emotions I feel - somehow she never understands my emotions - it is as though I am a robot to her. I have been living in a limbo, either I have to be in the marriage or out of it, not in-between like I am now. Your post has helped me make this decision. Since, I can never forgive myself for seeing her distressed after the divorce, _I have to stay in the marriage_ although I have no feelings for her.
> So, the only way to live the rest of my life this way is to live a life-of-rules and not a life-of-love. Since she constantly ignores our issues - I am going to print all my issues out along with what I expect of her and give it to her. This way, atleast I can easily remind her and I can see progress on the issues. Although I dont have feelings for her, I have decided to befriend her and make another list of things that I should do with her - go to salsa classes, arrange date nights every month, agree to exercise together, agree to work hard on written goals, eat healthy, etc. By having a positive chart with written out goals, hopefully I can live a life of hope and self improvement. I think this is the best I can do.
> ...


I think you are making some good decisions. Just make sure you are making these decisions for the right reasons. And, if you choose to stay with her, treat her with friendship and respect. You cannot go on treating her the way you have been, by ignoring her and not talking to her at all. Good luck and keep coming back!

Things can get better in your life!


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## sun1 (Feb 28, 2013)

Rose, the reason I didnt talk to her was because I hoped that it would trigger her to talk to me as to me ask me what was wrong. But she is comfortable even if I dont talk to her, which kills me, because I want her to get back to me and raise a discussion because when I raise a discussion, she ignores it and forgets about it. I cannot be comfortable if there are unresolved issues, so I wouldnt talk and wait for her to get back to me, but she would never get back.

Anyways, with the new life-of-rules list plan I spoke about earlier, I hope things will be better. Will keep posted.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

sun1 said:


> Rose, the reason I didnt talk to her was because I hoped that it would trigger her to talk to me as to me ask me what was wrong. But she is comfortable even if I dont talk to her, which kills me, because I want her to get back to me and raise a discussion because when I raise a discussion, she ignores it and forgets about it. I cannot be comfortable if there are unresolved issues, so I wouldnt talk and wait for her to get back to me, but she would never get back.
> 
> Anyways, with the new life-of-rules list plan I spoke about earlier, I hope things will be better. Will keep posted.


Best wishes and I hope you grow together, and find things you can share and enjoy together.


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