# Spouse Dresses Like A Slob Around Me



## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

My wife looks like a slob around the house. It's always gray or white sweat pant and top. Looks like Hans and Franz. It's like she doesn't want to try to look attractive around me. 
I get that it's nice to be comfortable when you're at home, but isn't there a more flattering option that doesn't look like an ad for a pill for depression?
She doesn't work, so it's not like she's had a long day at the office and just wants to unwind. The kids are high school or older, so they don't require as much attention. If she goes out with friends she look nice. She actually has a great sense of fashion, just not around me. Lingerie would be nice, but that doesn't happen unless I beg.
I wear scrubs all day, and when I come home I try to look nice. I'm a healthy weight and in good shape. 
Is it too much to expect your spouse to want to look nice and attractive around you, or am I asking too much?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She wants to be comfortable at home.

She is comfortable in the marriage, it seems.
Which is good, if true.

Politely, let her know how you feel.

If she balks, lay out some clothes for her to wear everyday.
Some wives do this for their men.

Yes, that will set her off, but it will get your point across.

More than likely she will change into the clothes you like just before you arrive home!!
This is likely all that you will win.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Have you mentioned it to her? She may have no idea at all that you don’t like it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talk to her about it in a respectful way.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

For years my wife always wore some butt-ugly things to bed at night.
She would get comfortable in the evening, which is great with me. But then near bedtime she would switch to these ugly, fully covering cloths that weren't attractive at all.

She was comfortable with that so I didn't think too much about it for a long time.
Until I realized I would like something a bit more 'appealing/revealing' at night

So we talked about it. It was a simple conversation, something like this:
I love you and want you to be comfortable at night.
But I would really like to explore the idea of you wearing something a little more appealing to me.
Would you be up for trying something different?
Can we go shopping? Right now?

That went over really really well. Maybe too well.
Now I need her to stop shopping 

Edit to add:
One key point here is that at first, we did this TOGETHER.
We shopped together and I told her my opinion about everything she looked at.
She loved the experience and learning more about what I wanted and liked.
I didn't love everything she ended up with, but many things I did.
It was all an improvement and I'm happy with that.


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Have you mentioned it to her? She may have no idea at all that you don’t like it.


I've talked to her about it, but her defense mechanism is to respond by blowing my claim out of proportion so it seems ridiculous. She would respond by saying something like "I guess I'm just supposed to parade around in front of you in a dress all day." The time I did bring it up, she got pissed and threw some gray sweat pants in the trash. Small victory, but she went to Target and got new ones.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I feel like you are being unrealistic. I do not try to impose any kind of dress code at my house.... At home, its all about comfort. She might be in a ratty looking shirt cleaning the house or topless on the sofa watching tv 

As long as she or I doesn't wear anything that smells like a sweaty jock cup, neither of us care.


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I feel like you are being unrealistic. I do not try to impose any kind of dress code at my house.... At home, its all about comfort. She might be in a ratty looking shirt cleaning the house or topless on the sofa watching tv
> 
> As long as she or I doesn't wear anything that smells like a sweaty jock cup, neither of us care.


I get what you are saying about comfort around the house. I think that there are comfortable options that are better than sweatpants.

I think at the heart of this I want her to _want_ to look nice for me. Leggings or yoga pants are great. A t shirt is fine. I don't expect her to wear a form fitting dress, but these gray and white sweat pants are so unattractive.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> I've talked to her about it, but her defense mechanism is to respond by blowing my claim out of proportion so it seems ridiculous. She would respond by saying something like "I guess I'm just supposed to parade around in front of you in a dress all day." The time I did bring it up, she got pissed and threw some gray sweat pants in the trash. Small victory, but she went to Target and got new ones.


You completely missed an excellent opportunity to walk straight up to her, grab a hand full of her a$$, and nibble on her ear while you say “YES….. and less would be even better.” Your reaction to a little fussy fit has the ability to control 90 percent of the situation.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> I get what you are saying about comfort around the house. I think that there are comfortable options that are better than sweatpants.
> 
> I think at the heart of this I want her to _want_ to look nice for me. Leggings or yoga pants are great. A t shirt is fine. I don't expect her to wear a form fitting dress, but these gray and white sweat pants are so unattractive.


Are you wanting her to be comfortable or are you wanting a trophy wife? I just don't understand why this bothers you so much to the point of starting arguments.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Can you post a photo of the sweatpants you are talking about? So we can judge better... Without your wife in them, obviously...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Are you wanting her to be comfortable or are you wanting a trophy wife? I just don't understand why this bothers you so much to the point of starting arguments.


Because his wife doesn't work, there are no small children, and he'd like to see his wife in something other than sweatpants sometimes. 

It's not too much to ask. Read His Needs, Her Needs.

What's most troubling is the wife's reaction. OP you have a pretty combative wife, how's the rest of your marriage??


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> how's the rest of your marriage??


Probably in the trash with the pants...


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

Comfortable is fine. I think you can be comfortable and still look like you made an effort. Gray, cotton sweat pants just look sad. It seriously looks like Hans and Franz from SNL. I bet if this discussion was about a guy sitting around all day looking very blah, people would tell him to step up his game. Again, I'm not expecting office attire. Jeans are great. T shirts are fine. On an episode of Big Bang Theory, Penny gets hooked on video games and lets herself go. She was sitting around all day playing video games in sweat pants. So when a character needs to look like they are putting in no effort, the wardrobe department brings out sweat pants.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I was all ready to come on and confess that I do not dress up all day at home. I do hair and makeup, because that's who I am as a person 😉 , but I wear oversize Tshirts and workout pants (yoga pants, essentially). I do that because if I am already wearing the clothes there is ZERO excuse not to get my big butt on the Peloton bike. It's comfortable, but it's not revealing, the Tshirts are really huge and long. It's definitely not sexy, but I still do my makeup because that's therapy/armor for me, and my hair is getting really long so I do a high ponytail with wispy curls. It's not sweatpants, I honestly don't own a pair of sweatpants. Joggers I have, but those are more like jammies for when we start a fire out back and it's too cold to be out in a robe and nightie. I wear chemise nightgowns to bed, they're not super sexy because I'm old and I'd look silly but they are very feminine. Long story longer, you're talking about a different level than I'm at and honestly, while I still realize I could step up a bit for everyday with clothes, my H never comments on it and maybe it's not the WORST. Not the best, but not the worst.

Tantrums are for children, she should stop that. But then again, we all have our moments.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Livvie said:


> What's most troubling is the wife's reaction. OP you have a pretty combative wife, how's the rest of your marriage??


100% agree. If I ask my wife to discuss something reasonable and she blows up. That's a problem. Forget the clothes, that reaction should be worked through.


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Because his wife doesn't work, there are no small children, and he'd like to see his wife in something other than sweatpants sometimes.
> 
> It's not too much to ask. Read His Needs, Her Needs.
> 
> What's most troubling is the wife's reaction. OP you have a pretty combative wife, how's the rest of your marriage??


Our marriage is great otherwise. Been together over 20 years. No issues in that time. Very few arguments. Still go out on dates.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

TexasMom1216 said:


> my H never comments on it and maybe it's not the WORST. Not the best, but not the worst.


Would you change your style if your H asked you? I think this is the crux of the matter...


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I can understand your frustrations. We’ve both been working from home and can get a little to comfortable and not even make an effort for days. I throw on different casual clothes even though I’m not going out but my wife will stay in her PJs for days in a row and when she does put something on, it’s these stretchy pants that I liked on her when she first got them but I’m now sick of seeing her in them. 

I too have spoke to my wife and get the these are comfortable excuse. I’m not expecting her to wear a dress but what’s so hard about a nice pair of shorts with a comfy blouse with some color other than black, grey, or white?


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> So when a character needs to look like they are putting in no effort, the wardrobe department brings out sweat pants.


Is this the bigger issue here? You mentioned she isn't out all day at work dressed up so perhaps you're not getting that balance? That you view it as her just slobbing about, not being comfortable? 
How long have you been married?


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

jsmart said:


> I can understand your frustrations. We’ve both been working from home and can get a little to comfortable and not even make an effort for days. I throw on different casual clothes even though I’m not going out but my wife will stay in her PJs for days in a row and when she does put something on, it’s these stretchy pants that I liked on her when she first got them but I’m now sick of seeing her in them.
> 
> I too have spoke to my wife and get the these are comfortable excuse. I’m not expecting her to wear a dress but what’s so hard about a nice pair of shorts with a comfy blouse with some color other than black, grey, or white?


Exactly. I don't think this is too much to ask


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

MarmiteC said:


> How long have you been married?


Over 20 years


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

has this happened since the pandemic?


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

MarmiteC said:


> has this happened since the pandemic?


Good point. It has gotten worse during the pandemic, but was happening before. I think a lot of people have been living in sweat pants for the last 2 years. I never worked from home, so I've been out in the world all this time.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> Good point. It has gotten worse during the pandemic, but was happening before. I think a lot of people have been living in sweat pants for the last 2 years. I never worked from home, so I've been out in the world all this time.


I worked through it too (and not at home), but despite this some things changed for me. I used to regularly visit the salon every 6 weeks - I couldn't do that. Before I would stress over a hair appointment, not anymore. I wear a mask all day - makeup is completely and utterly pointless while I have to, I used to wear a small amount daily.

Not being able to go out evenings and weekends, I stopped making such an effort. I'm still combatting the weight gain from 'treating' myself to takeaways as that was pretty much the only thing I could do... that leads to wearing sweatpants more at home as other stuff doesn't fit comfortably. Personally, when I gain weight I ditch the colourful clothes and resort to greys/blacks/navys since I feel they help me blend into the background.

I'm not saying this is what happened with your wife, and you say you still go on dates, but perhaps she's struggling to find the motivation. You asked her to do it for you.... what about asking what she wants for herself?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I just buy what I want my wife to wear. 

The other day I got an ad from negative underwear for the “skimpiest bras we make” so I ordered two and then just stuck them in her drawer of bras.

She says, “I noticed you put a couple additions in my drawer.” while she’s getting dressed and she put on the white one (my favorite) and I was like BOING!!! Anyway she came to bed still wearing it and banged the snot out of me.

Thank you negative underwear.

The moral of the story is, if you want to see her in it get it. I also asked her the other day if she needs to go shopping before a two week trip we have coming next month. She’s like “probably”. So I’m like yeah let’s get you a personal shopper appointment and if you want you should invite your friend etc… then she was like well I do like the clothes there especially with a personal shopper.

Bing bong now we get a professional wardrobe person dressing her for the trip.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

ccpowerslave said:


> I just buy what I want my wife to wear.
> 
> The other day I got an ad from negative underwear for the “skimpiest bras we make” so I ordered two and then just stuck them in her drawer of bras.
> 
> ...


I did this for my wife. She was always wearing just cheap Walmart bras that did nothing. I ordered her add 2 cup size bra and she is going omg, I never knew they had anything like this. There is another one on Amazon with a front drawstring that will create just bombshell lift and cleavage...... she loves it


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> Still go out on dates.


Does she dress up for these dates? Also does she dress as well or better going out with you as compared to her friends?


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> Does she dress up for these dates? Also does she dress as well or better going out with you as compared to her friends?


She does. Dresses about the same for me and friends.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Would you change your style if your H asked you? I think this is the crux of the matter...


Yes. Especially if he told me it made him feel like I didn't care what he thought, I would assure him that isn't it and change. He likes my hair down and straight, so when we do outside things or if I have time I fix it like he likes it. Then he tells me I'm pretty, then tells me I'm prettier when I light up from a compliment. So yeah.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Hmm I'm not really sure how to feel about this. I try to dress decent even when at home, because if I feel, what's the word? Dumpy? Well, then I'm definitely not going to feel good about myself. I get what he's saying about the sweat pants though. Could it be seen as being shallow as a puddle.... maaaaaybe. But I too understand where he is coming from.

My husband would say the same thing about me if I did that. Even though my doesn't take notice of me until he wants sex. Anyhow, I would just like to say I feel the same about my husband when he farts too, or burps. We all do it, but if the tables were turned and I was just letting them loose like he does, with no regard ever.. He wouldn't be married to me that's for sure. It's twisted how double the standard is but anyway. 

Maybe you should be honored she's so comfortable with you, you've made your marriage and home a safe space OR it could be that she just don't care what you see? Not sure.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Edit: Just go buy her some comfy shorty shorts and top. 😁


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Anyhow, I would just like to say I feel the same about my husband when he farts too, or burps. We all do it, but if the tables were turned and I was just letting them loose like he does, with no regard ever.. He wouldn't be married to me that's for sure. It's twisted how double the standard is but anyway.
> 
> Maybe you should be honored she's so comfortable with you, you've made your marriage and home a safe space OR it could be that she just don't care what you see? Not sure.


Interesting that you say that about bodily functions, because she does that a lot more than I do. I mean everyone does it but she didn't do this years ago. It's as if we've become too comfortable. They say you should always try to date your spouse, well, I wouldn't be doing that if we were dating.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> Interesting that you say that about bodily functions, because she does that a lot more than I do. I mean everyone does it but she didn't do this years ago. It's as if we've become too comfortable. They say you should always try to date your spouse, well, I wouldn't be doing that if we were dating.


Truth lol. It's not that hard to understand this concept but I do know plenty of couples who do the exact opposite and try to 'out do' one another lol Ew.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> Interesting that you say that about bodily functions, because she does that a lot more than I do. I mean everyone does it but she didn't do this years ago. It's as if we've become too comfortable. They say you should always try to date your spouse, well, I wouldn't be doing that if we were dating.


OMG I would die. And my husband saw my son being born. (I'm still a little upset about that, I mean ew.) No. There is none of that around him. No.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sweat pants are the lowest option UNLESS you live somewhere cold. Then you need them.

A nightshirt or robe or pajamas is better and just as comfortable.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Get her a subscription to AdoreMe.
Look it up.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Yes. Especially if he told me it made him feel like I didn't care what he thought, I would assure him that isn't it and change. He likes my hair down and straight, so when we do outside things or if I have time I fix it like he likes it. Then he tells me I'm pretty, then tells me I'm prettier when I light up from a compliment. So yeah.


that’s great… thanks for replying.


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Get her a subscription to AdoreMe.
> Look it up.


Oh yeah I know about them. I've been on the website, and now I get ads all the time from them.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sweat pants are the lowest option UNLESS you live somewhere cold. Then you need them.
> 
> A nightshirt or robe or pajamas is better and just as comfortable.


A short nightshirt many varieties is commonplace for DW. She knows I do "look up her dress" when I can 😎👍👍


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Get her a subscription to AdoreMe.
> Look it up.


get her a gift certificate to Adam and Eve!

on 2nd thought, Fredricks of Hollywood!!!


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Tell her your expectations.

But in generally, I would say she's less than attracted to you.

Hows the sex life?

If you were being the man of her dreams she'd want to dress up for you and please you...if you set the expectations right.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Get her a subscription to AdoreMe.


I get their ads.

But yes, why not buy her some items you'd find sexy on her. Give them to her in a loving, sexy way. Hey baby I bought you something cute to wear tonight.

But it seems like you have bigger relationship issues. That's why I asked, how's the sex in the marriage?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> A short nightshirt many varieties is commonplace for DW. She knows I do "look up her dress" when I can 😎👍👍


Somebody's got to do it!


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

thunderchad said:


> Tell her your expectations.
> 
> But in generally, I would say she's less than attracted to you.
> 
> ...


Sex life is good. 2-3 times a week depending on the week. I could go for more, but based on some of the posts I've read in these forums, we are doing more than a lot of couples.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Okay, so I'm a lady in my late 50's and OF COURSE my Beloved Buddhist likes to see me in cute outfits, not in 'Hans and Franz' sweats:









Here's the thing: my style is comfortable and functional. I don't love tight, clingy outfits...it's not me. The whole time I wear something like Fredricks of Hollywood, all I think about is how much it digs into my rib or itches. YUCK!

If my Beloved Buddhist bought me something, it might be something like workout leggings and sports bra top that both have neon pink tie-dye design on them. See how ya might think that's comfy and sporty, and yet kind of cute? But to me, it just feels like wearing a stretchy girdle all day--again, YUCK!

So what we do, and what might work for you, @NotSoAverageJoe, is to go shopping together and find things that BOTH of you like. For me, I really like Bootcup or Wide Leg yoga pants...somehow that looseness at the bottom of the leg feels like a pair of pants! They're comfy and functional, and yet for him, they do follow my curves and look nicer than sweats.

It's similar for the tops. I like big old loose t-shirts or tops, because I am BUILT and that loose material feels good to me...I like the air and flow. BUT most of my figure is hidden in a big old top, so I do wear a supportive sports bra, and then a more fitted top...like "the right size" instead of being 2 sizes bigger! Again for me, a tee or a top in a soft material that's "the right size" feels comfy and functional, and for him it follows the curves and looks nicer than sweats.

It's weird to try to clean the house or snuggle on the couch "dressed up" -- but it's tolerable to do it in bootcut/wide leg yoga pants and a nice, soft top. AND we both win!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Just don't ask her to wear a bra or high heels around the house. It seems like should be some days she could just come home and take off her shoes and bra but keep wearing whatever she wore to work if it's comfortable. Usually what makes clothes uncomfortable is too tight or having to wear underwear and shoes.
Of course if you had them on all day they may be sweaty. I know yesterday I couldn't wait to get my shoes off. They just got hot and sweaty after a while.

I mean I'm thoroughly think it should be up to the person what they wear, but I just don't think there's an excuse to be a slob all the time when it takes no more effort to wear something, anything, that isn't sweatpants and a sweatshirt. There is literally nothing uglier to wear than that. It makes people look three times their size to begin with because it's so thick it has no tailoring whatsoever so it doesn't fit anywhere.

They are great when really cold and you have to go outdoors or it's cold inside. That's about the most you can say for them.

I think yoga pants are ugly but they are comfortable and they are at least thin, and on this forum I know men don't always hate them because some women wear them kind of tight since they're stretchy and are still comfortable that way. Leggings are comfortable able but they're not going to look good at all unless you are someone in shape.

I don't know if there is as much cute negligee type underwear as there used to be decades ago. It seems like online a lot of it is just kind of trashy stuff. They used to make really elaborate negligees as you might notice if you ever watched Green Acres. You can still find really cute loungewear though, but mostly only in smaller sizes and not much in plus sizes. We have some real plush loungewear that is so soft and nice even places like Target. It would be even more comfortable than sweats.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I could understand saying something if your spouse went out all the time looking like a bum.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I think a balance is reasonable. And that alerting her that some different options would be appreciated. I agree the reaction of defensiveness is more the thing to potentially focus on - including how you respond.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

My husband and I can be quite blunt with each other, sometimes with an injection of humor, and we get the intent so things get worked out reasonably quickly.

During lockdown, I did start getting particularly comfortable wearing sweatpants (admittedly, ‘nice’ ones) and black music tshirts. Basically days of consistently wearing black. He asked if I was going for the 90s emo look. 😆. And suggested some brighter options might be good to break it up.

My dresses on the other hand are bright and vibrant. They weren’t getting so much wear. Anyway, I ordered some bright (as in red and things that suit me) music related tshirts to add to the casual wear. My real comfy options are music tees, sometimes sweats at home, or jeans. Aside from a one-off, I don’t wear sweats out of the house. I don’t think I look a slob in my true comfy wear. If he thought I did though, I’d want to know about it.

His casual wear is jeans and more casual button down shirt or maybe tshirt. But typically button down shirts are the regular. Friends invited us over for casual dinner. She told me she would be wearing her bed shorts. Cool, you do you. She wanted me to feel comfortable in turning up in whatever, as they don’t care what I look like, consider us like family. I turned up in my usual casual outside attire, makeup, jeans, music tshirt. She didn’t care either way but it sparked a light conversation about how we dress at home or just running to the store - and my version of casual is her version of ‘glamorous’. How she presents with her husband is good between them, and I also don’t care what she looks like and wears. When she asked Batman about what he wears, he looked to me in utter confusion as to what was being asked 😆, as he presents that same way at home. In her view, that would be considered typically dressed to go out. She asked why. And I cheekily jumped in with ‘because he wants to keep me around.’

However, there’s a balance. And being comfy at home is good too.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

heartsbeating said:


> My real comfy options are music tees, sometimes sweats at home, or jeans. Aside from a one-off, I don’t wear sweats out of the house.


That is what my wife wears although she’ll mix in yoga pants. I get her music shirts occasionally in colors that I prefer for her, she likes long sleeve ones when they’re available.

When we go out though she generally dresses better than I do. Walking around today I am wearing pretty much what I wore in high school except with expensive Cartier sunglasses whereas she looks much more put together.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I like the long sleeve music tees too. Today I’m wearing one of my dresses, just because I felt like it. If I do say so myself, I look sharp!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

heartsbeating said:


> I like the long sleeve music tees too. Today I’m wearing one of my dresses, just because I felt like it. If I do say so myself, I look sharp!


I got my wife an Iron Maiden “World Slavery Tour” baseball shirt (long sleeve) many years ago and when she wears that shirt it has been through the wash a lot so it’s slightly too small. I go wow, I must have saved the orphans or something in a previous life to have her wearing this shirt right now hahaha.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Embarrassment is the ticket. Take gobs of pics of her in her standard day wear and post them on fakebook. Guaranteed, after awhile some smart ass will ask her if those god-awful sweat pants are all she owns. It's usually a sister or a mother.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> My wife looks like a slob around the house.
> 
> ......She doesn't work, so it's not like she's had a long day at the office and just wants to unwind. The kids are high school or older, so they don't require as much attention. If she goes out with friends she look nice. She actually has a great sense of fashion, just not around me. Lingerie would be nice,* but that doesn't happen unless I beg.*
> I wear scrubs all day, and when I come home I try to look nice. I'm a healthy weight and in good shape.
> *Is it too much to expect your spouse to want to look nice and attractive around you, or am I asking too much?*


If you are into begging, that may be a serious sign about the health of your marriage.

Are you asking too much? That is hard to say. During Covid, most people have felt like they are under house arrest and doing just about anything to keep their spirits up. 

My first comment is if the worst thing happening in your marriage is that she is not waiting for you at the door with a Martini all dressed in the nines in her best dress and pearl necklace like the stay-at-home-mom in a 1950's sitcom, I would say you have absolutely no reason to complain.

However, your "begging" comment suggests that there may be some more serious issues within your marriage and she just doesn't care about what you think or that she is passive-agressively telling you to leave her alone.

I suggest you talk to her, but first apologize for what you have done to piss her off. Then find out what is really going on.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

What’s the weather like where you live? My brother keeps his house at 63 when it’s winter and to me there is no way I would be wearing anything cute. 

Also, my jeans are super uncomfortable. I love my super tight fitting high waisted jeans that look great on me; but when I’m home there is no way I am relaxing in them. 

It’s funny because I posted a topic on “home clothes” asking a similar question. I want to be comfortable in my home, NOT done up, but I don’t want to look like a slop. It’s a balance. I actually have a Pinterest board on ideas for clothes around the house lol.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Affaircare said:


> Okay, so I'm a lady in my late 50's and OF COURSE my Beloved Buddhist likes to see me in cute outfits, not in 'Hans and Franz' sweats:
> View attachment 83743
> 
> 
> ...


I guess a tip for men would be when buying loungewear for women, stick with breathable fabric, cotton, not spandex.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Okay, I did have a true comfy slothful moment recently. I was sleep deprived, and in the evening took a shower. Didn’t blow-dry my hair (which is standard for me after showering), pulled wet hair back into a braid, then donned his clothing. Warning this is very cheesy: That super comfy feeling of his stuff baggy on me and hint of his smell. He was out grabbing us dinner, arrived home and asked, ‘Comfy?’ I replied, ‘You’re the only person on the planet that gets to see me like this. How lucky are you?’ He said, ‘Very lucky.’ I laughed, he added, ‘I mean it.’ Awww.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You can start with the possitive. I really think you look nice when you wear blah blah blah. I wish sometimes you would wear that around the house because it makes me happy that I married someone so pretty.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I’m impressed that so many people have flat stomachs and can wear fitted shirts. I have some cute band shirts but my stomach isn’t hard enough to wear anything fitted. Hence the workout clothes every day! 😜


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I just wanted to add something else. When your wife gets really mad and defensive and lashes out, it’s a really big red flag that something else is wrong. There are clearly pent up feelings there. And I think the best way for you to approach that situation is to forget what your asking your wife, and focus on her. Ask her if she’s ok, because you should really care about her and her feelings. So show her that. Honey, are you ok? Why did that make you so mad? The last thing on earth I want to do is make you feel bad or get you upset. Etc etc etc. 


As an emotional women myself… it upsets me when I feel like my partner doesn’t care about how I feel. And this is noted in the fact that you don’t ask when I’m upset! At that points it should no longer be about the clothes and focus should be on why your wife is that upset.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

What size range is your wife? Would be easier to make suggestions. Is she 2-14 women's or 16-32 women's? It matters because availability.

Here's a couple soft things you might get your wife in that are loose and comfy from Target. They only go up to XXl, which is 16-18. I use these as examples of things that are still super comfortable and not that far away in structure from what she prefers, which is to cover her body. At least they don't have elastic at the bottom of the pants. Ugh. I just think if you bought her a top and bottom of these and didn't make a big issue out of it, maybe she'd wear it.

Here's three soft furry pieces. You can get either top and then the pants go with either.









Women's Feather Yarn Lounge Wide Pajama Pants - Stars Above™


Read reviews and buy Women's Feather Yarn Lounge Wide Pajama Pants - Stars Above™ at Target. Choose from contactless Same Day Delivery, Drive Up and more.




www.target.com













Women's Feather Yarn Lounge Cardigan - Stars Above™


Read reviews and buy Women's Feather Yarn Lounge Cardigan - Stars Above™ at Target. Choose from contactless Same Day Delivery, Drive Up and more.




www.target.com













Women's Feather Yarn Lounge Pullover Sweater - Stars Above™


Read reviews and buy Women's Feather Yarn Lounge Pullover Sweater - Stars Above™ at Target. Choose from contactless Same Day Delivery, Drive Up and more.




www.target.com





Then this two piece only goes up to size 16. This one actually is sweatshirt material only not as thick and calls itself a sweatshirt, but it's just better shaped and better looking.









Women's French Terry Oversized Pullover Lounge Sweatshirt - Colsie™


Read reviews and buy Women's French Terry Oversized Pullover Lounge Sweatshirt - Colsie™ at Target. Choose from contactless Same Day Delivery, Drive Up and more.




www.target.com













Women's French Terry Lounge Shorts - Colsie™


Read reviews and buy Women's French Terry Lounge Shorts - Colsie™ at Target. Choose from contactless Same Day Delivery, Drive Up and more.




www.target.com


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’m impressed that so many people have flat stomachs and can wear fitted shirts. I have some cute band shirts but my stomach isn’t hard enough to wear anything fitted. Hence the workout clothes every day! 😜


Oh honey, I’m ripped. Also I look like my avatar Julie Newmar from that period.

Gotta love the interwebz, right?

But yeah, I do dig my music tshirts.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

heartsbeating said:


> Oh honey, I’m ripped. Also I look like my avatar Julie Newmar from that period.
> 
> Gotta love the interwebz, right?
> 
> But yeah, I do dig my music tshirts.


So I ordered a shirt off Instagram and I wasn’t sure what size to get. I got XXLT. It wasn’t that expensive it was like $90 with a monogrammed cuff. The sleeve length is good and it looks ok in the shoulders but otherwise it’s too baggy. I modeled it for her this afternoon.

My wife is like “oh it’s ok”. I’m like hey I don’t go to the gym to wear baggy shirts. I got the frame to pull off the tight in the upper body look. I’m going to try the XLT. She took another look at it and is like yeah you’re right.

Then I went into my hey do you have a band aid? Coz I’m cut routine and such and she was like 👀


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Also, when you want to see your wife dressed up -- this seems like common sense anyone would know -- take her out to a nice restaurant, because going out is when you dress up, besides work. Now if she's one of those who will try to wear sweats to a nice restaurant for dinner, I give up. Lost cause.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> Oh honey, I’m ripped. Also I look like my avatar Julie Newmar from that period.
> 
> Gotta love the interwebz, right?
> 
> But yeah, I do dig my music tshirts.


We’re all supermodel kazillionaire sex ninjas on the internet. 😉


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I think too many people talk about being comfortable at home, and that’s ok. Ever heard about the street angel house devil? I have a huge problem with someone being able to be their true selves at home, because sometimes that person isn’t very nice.

Always give your best to your family at home. Always. That means if you can make the effort to look nice for other people, why can’t you do it at home for your kids and spouse? Raise your voice at home and yell and swear, but sweetness to everyone on the street? Refuse to help at home, but drop everything to help out at church, or your neighbour?

I don’t buy the idea of how life is stressful and we can be ourselves, our true selves at home. Who then, is the real you? It’s the one at home. Think about who you are at home if you’re putting on a show outside. Really think about the person you’re married to, if they are someone else outside.

I think that of your wife can dress up outside, she should do it at home too. There’s nothing worse than a person who has two faces.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Luckylucky said:


> I think too many people talk about being comfortable at home, and that’s ok. Ever heard about the street angel house devil? I have a huge problem with someone being able to be their true selves at home, because sometimes that person isn’t very nice.
> 
> Always give your best to your family at home. Always. That means if you can make the effort to look nice for other people, why can’t you do it at home for your kids and spouse? Raise your voice at home and yell and swear, but sweetness to everyone on the street? Refuse to help at home, but drop everything to help out at church, or your neighbour?
> 
> ...


I understand what your saying and I agree to a certain extent. But I think it’s about being functional, not “better”. And what does better even mean? Just bc I look prettier that means better? I am more functional and I get more done when I’m not wearing a nice wool sweater and my hair, makeup and nails are done beautifully. 


Also, who has all this time after work to just hang out? I don’t even have kids and I don’t have that sort of time. Something that is non negotiable for me is my health. I come home from work at 4pm and I am in bed reading at 9pm. So I have 5 hours, that’s it. 5 hours to get a workout in, make and eat dinner and clean up, shower, get ready for tomorrow, and do some sort of errand… laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping etc. so to me, it doesn’t make sense to dress nice in Impractical clothing.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Luckylucky said:


> I think too many people talk about being comfortable at home, and that’s ok. Ever heard about the street angel house devil? I have a huge problem with someone being able to be their true selves at home, because sometimes that person isn’t very nice.
> 
> Always give your best to your family at home. Always. That means if you can make the effort to look nice for other people, why can’t you do it at home for your kids and spouse? Raise your voice at home and yell and swear, but sweetness to everyone on the street? Refuse to help at home, but drop everything to help out at church, or your neighbour?
> 
> ...


Oh, as someone who had to dress up with pantyhose and uncomfortable shoes for work for so long, I would never tell someone to keep it up at home. It really is punishment. But as long as she's not needing to wear a bra at home (so uncomfortable for a lot of people) or shoes and he just would like to see her in something besides sweats, there are so many comfortable options. Flats or even houseshoes or bare feet is fine around the house, even if you're wearing a dress. I mean, there's sundresses, house dresses, all types of loungewear. He is just tired of her wearing the ugliest thing available. I mean, there are long dresses that are comfortable for around the house, gowns, any number of things. But if he wants her dressed like work, he will need to take her out to dinner because really, it is NOT normal to dress up like for work at home!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I get both of your points, and agree to a certain extent with both. @Luckylucky and @Girl_power

An example of how I'd suggest the 'real me' would be if I'm having a crappy hormonal time, yet I'm at home, I can do what I need to do and be how I need to be to feel better. From an appearance perspective, that's going to be sans makeup, and comfy clothes, maybe a blanket over me on the couch while popping ibuprofen. Okay, take the same scenario but now I need to go into the office. I'd be up earlier popping ibuprofen, dragging myself through the routine of putting myself together for the work setting, and getting on with it. Arrive back home, 'aahhh' it's the peaceful place. I make effort to look good (enough) most of the time, and yet there's also a comfort in being with a spouse who sees all sides, all scenarios, hair done, hair braided wet from the shower lol ...the 'real me' is all of it. And of course, experiencing my different mannerisms, emotions, thoughts, confidences, insecurities etc. The whole complex mix of being human. Appearance-wise though, a typical day, it's just a balance depending what is happening.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

My wife will wear nice blouses and shoes when she goes to the office. At home she dresses for work but she will wear blue jeans and usually a sweater because she’s always cold. 

She changes immediately when she stops working to what she calls “house pants” which are generally yoga pants or sweatpants.

I can say I like pretty much anything she wears because she’s wearing it except for her “no coat” which is one of my old sweatshirts. It is Hans and Franz and when she’s wearing that at night it’s like a stop light saying hey mister no way 🛑 ✋


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Folks, it isn't all or nothing.

The art of compromise seems to have died in this day and age. Everyone, every team, everyone in politics needs to get their own way, all the time.

This should be simple, in therory, for OP and his wife to resolve.

2 or 3 days a week she could wear things she knows her husband likes, because she, you know, loves her husband, likes and wants to see him happy etc.

And the other 4 to 5 days of the week, she can wear her sweat pants.

If that had been going on, me thinks there would be no post.

OP isn't talking about having his wife having her hair done just so, with full makeup, jewelry, heels and on and on each and everyday. He was like jeans would be good, not just sweat pants each and everyday.

When all of us choose to get into a relationship, that means we all will have to merge our lives with our partners. None of us will get our way all of the time. We all will do things for our partners that we otherwise wouldn't do if we were on our own. Now, we don't have to do those things all of the time, everyday, but sometimes we need to go places we know they like to go even if we don't like that place. We need to do things, activities and such we know our partner likes even if we don't just like they need to do some of those things with us, for us that they don't particularly like.

Maybe one partner likes to hike in the woods and wants to do that with their spouse. Maybe one likes to go to the opera with their partner but their partner doesn't like the opera at all.

When you love a partner, wearing something simple, like jeans (again, OP didn't say hair done, full makeup, heels, skirt, blouse, jewelry etc.) should be a easy and a no brainer for a partner to do for their spouse.

I went to some sporting events with my husband and I wouldn't have gone otherwise, but he loves the and wanted to share it with me, have me there with him. He does things for me too that he doesn't like because he knows I like them and we want to be together so he goes with me, just like I go places for him too.

Same with clothes.

Far too many look to put up obstacles and roadblocks with their partners, like OP's wife did by responding so poorly, throwing her sweats away etc.

We need to look for ways to work with and compromise with our partners, work together as as team, pulling on the rope together, in the same direction.

There is no need to be defensive about something so small and trivial in the grand scheme of things in life.

I mean, she's going to be dressed each day, in something and she KNOWS her husband doesn't like sweats yet it sure seems like she doesn't give a rats azz. Again, she doesn't need to change what she wears everyday for him, I'm not advocating she does.

And she doesn't have to wear those other clothes, like jeans and shirt all day. She knows her husband works so she can wear her sweats all day and then change clothes like the hour before he arrives home, meaning she'd only be in those other clothes for several hours. 

Is that too much for a partner to do for their spouse?

All of us need to compromise and move towards the middle and merge our lives and make changes for our partners, it goes both ways.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

OP I’m not sure what time you get home from work, and from that point how long it is until bedtime. I wouldn’t be happy coming home from work at 5pm and seeing my partner in sweats with their hair up and no effort at all. 
But there is nothing wrong IMO with it getting closer to bedtime and your winding down and putting on your ugly pajamas.

Maybe it’s the pandemic, maybe it’s the cold weather, maybe she is depressed and going through something. But it’s not normal to wake ip every morning and not “get ready” for the day so to speak. I think if it’s going to be a deep house cleaning day or whatever there is nothing wrong with wearing sweats. 

If I were you, I would focus on her health and well being and come from it from that angle. I mean, is she waking up everyday and putting on sweats and that’s that? Or is she getting ready every morning and going out and doing her thing during the day and just changing into ugly clothes when she’s home before you get there?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> Good point. It has gotten worse during the pandemic, but was happening before. I think a lot of people have been living in sweat pants for the last 2 years. I never worked from home, so I've been out in the world all this time.


Invite company over more often. Look who dropped by to see us! 
Where are you going? Oh so you will dress decent for company but not your own husband?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> Our marriage is great otherwise. Been together over 20 years. No issues in that time. Very few arguments. Still go out on dates.


Does she do herself up when you go out on dates?
If she does, then I think you are overreacting. It seems to me its the specific pants in question that bother you. Make them disappear LOL.
My husband insists on wearing a ragged T shirt,(it now as holes) and I comment he laughs. It will disappear and end up as numerous cleaning cloths. 
You must choose your battles, is this one you want to wage?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

OP says they have a good sex life so I don't know how attached this is to feeling like she wants him to be attracted to her. But I would say that even if you are wearing something nice at home, that no one should just assume that that is a yes for sex and sometimes I wonder if that's what's going on not necessarily with this poster but some of the posters in the past. But I can certainly understand why anyone would get tired of looking at that.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I also agree @Girl_power about what 'better' means. The friend perceives me as 'glamorous', of which hopefully it's obvious in what I'm writing, that I don't view myself that way. I don't think that I dress or present 'better' than her. Just different. We have different styles.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

TexasMom1216 said:


> We’re all supermodel kazillionaire sex ninjas on the internet. 😉


Sex ninja .....no idea what that is but sign me up


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> They are great when really cold and you have to go outdoors or it's cold inside. That's about the most you can say for them.
> 
> I think yoga pants are ugly but they are comfortable and they are at least thin, and on this forum I know men don't always hate them because some women wear them kind of tight since they're stretchy and are still comfortable that way. Leggings are comfortable able but they're not going to look good at all unless you are someone in shape.


I know that yoga pants are appealing to many. I think they look great on very toned bodies. I find them somewhat comfortable but it's not something that I wear just around the house and here's my crazy but truthful reason why I don't... they're a bit on the pricey side (at least the ones I get) and all I need is for the dog to get all up across my legs on the couch and they'd be snagged. Know what really is very comfortable, and I'm not even playing when I say this, ahem, the Catwoman costume! Honestly, so comfortable.  If people knew how comfortable this is to wear, I'd say a vast majority would be wearing it day in and day out.

OP, I really hope that you can approach this positively with your wife. I think you're getting support that it's not unreasonable. And to focus on the defensiveness aspect / the dynamic between you with such things.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Oh, as someone who had to dress up with pantyhose and uncomfortable shoes for work for so long, I would never tell someone to keep it up at home. It really is punishment. But as long as she's not needing to wear a bra at home (so uncomfortable for a lot of people) or shoes and he just would like to see her in something besides sweats, there are so many comfortable options. Flats or even houseshoes or bare feet is fine around the house, even if you're wearing a dress. I mean, there's sundresses, house dresses, all types of loungewear. He is just tired of her wearing the ugliest thing available. I mean, there are long dresses that are comfortable for around the house, gowns, any number of things. But if he wants her dressed like work, he will need to take her out to dinner because really, it is NOT normal to dress up like for work at home!


wow, it seems like a lot of women here have the wrong idea of what guys say when they want you to "dress up at home".

No bra, a very sheer blouse that is very long, and possibly no panties. that is all it takes! 
we are not suggesting you put on a business suite to watch tv. 
we want you to look SEXY at home.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

OP, I have to ask. Are these the kinds of sweatpants with elastic or cuffs at the ankle?

If so, holy ****!


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## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> My wife looks like a slob around the house. It's always gray or white sweat pant and top. Looks like Hans and Franz. It's like she doesn't want to try to look attractive around me.
> I get that it's nice to be comfortable when you're at home, but isn't there a more flattering option that doesn't look like an ad for a pill for depression?
> She doesn't work, so it's not like she's had a long day at the office and just wants to unwind. The kids are high school or older, so they don't require as much attention. If she goes out with friends she look nice. She actually has a great sense of fashion, just not around me. Lingerie would be nice, but that doesn't happen unless I beg.
> I wear scrubs all day, and when I come home I try to look nice. I'm a healthy weight and in good shape.
> Is it too much to expect your spouse to want to look nice and attractive around you, or am I asking too much?


It isn't too much to ask. Trouble is implanting the habits so they will follow. You might fight an issue only to give up because you aren't going to win.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> wow, it seems like a lot of women here have the wrong idea of what guys say when they want you to "dress up at home".
> 
> No bra, a very sheer blouse that is very long, and possibly no panties. that is all it takes!
> we are not suggesting you put on a business suite to watch tv.
> we want you to look SEXY at home.


If that's what the op means then he should just say that. I do think that's what some men mean and I do think that that's why they get pushed back from some women on it. I said it another post that when women do look nice around the house they shouldn't necessarily take that as an invitation for sex. This poster said he's happy with their sex life so I was assuming he's not wanting her to necessarily dress sexy but just not like a slob.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If that's what the op means then he should just say that. I do think that's what some men mean and I do think that that's why they get pushed back from some women on it. I said it another post that when women do look nice around the house they shouldn't necessarily take that as an invitation for sex. This poster said he's happy with their sex life so I was assuming he's not wanting her to necessarily dress sexy but just not like a slob.


I thought the OP has an issue with her putting effort into her appearance everywhere else, except with him, which is why my post wasn’t so much about how you should dress as a woman. I dressed well when I had a career, and at home, and in public.

It would upset me if my spouse was a certain way everywhere else, but then decided to use me as the person who could put up with a half-effort. That to me is being taken for granted. You don’t need to wear stockings at home and high heels, but you can do something, anything to show that you are stepping up and still trying to impress your spouse. Yoga pants for instance (not taking particular aim at that poster). Would yoga pants be ok with a dinner or get-together with other female friends? Or would you try to impress them with a better version of you?

I’m just saying, don’t relax too much with your spouse, try to impress them first. You can’t just be on your best behaviour at the beginning, and then stop trying around them, yet continue proving your worth to The outside world. If that attitude extends to other areas, is your job, your group of friends and church group or whatever, really going to keep you warm when your spouse realise they’re really low on your list of people you are trying to impress?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Luckylucky said:


> I thought the OP has an issue with her putting effort into her appearance everywhere else, except with him, which is why my post wasn’t so much about how you should dress as a woman. I dressed well when I had a career, and at home, and in public.
> 
> It would upset me if my spouse was a certain way everywhere else, but then decided to use me as the person who could put up with a half-effort. That to me is being taken for granted. You don’t need to wear stockings at home and high heels, but you can do something, anything to show that you are stepping up and still trying to impress your spouse. Yoga pants for instance (not taking particular aim at that poster). Would yoga pants be ok with a dinner or get-together with other female friends? Or would you try to impress them with a better version of you?
> 
> I’m just saying, don’t relax too much with your spouse, try to impress them first. You can’t just be on your best behaviour at the beginning, and then stop trying around them, yet continue proving your worth to The outside world. If that attitude extends to other areas, is your job, your group of friends and church group or whatever, really going to keep you warm when your spouse realise they’re really low on your list of people you are trying to impress?


I don't think men fully realize how much time women can put into their appearance and I agree that they should try harder at home but I also agree that home should be where they can relax and be comfortable. I believe you can do that without wearing sweatpants. I do think if you want to see your wife dressed up you should take her out to dinner or somewhere, because there's not much motivation for really dressing up just to be at home. Something in between yes. I mean it is true that you already know what she looks like dressed up if she's going to work or wherever like that so it's not like you've never seen or dressed up or at home dressed up.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Luckylucky said:


> I thought the OP has an issue with her putting effort into her appearance everywhere else, except with him, which is why my post wasn’t so much about how you should dress as a woman. I dressed well when I had a career, and at home, and in public.
> 
> It would upset me if my spouse was a certain way everywhere else, but then decided to use me as the person who could put up with a half-effort. That to me is being taken for granted. You don’t need to wear stockings at home and high heels, but you can do something, anything to show that you are stepping up and still trying to impress your spouse. Yoga pants for instance (not taking particular aim at that poster). Would yoga pants be ok with a dinner or get-together with other female friends? Or would you try to impress them with a better version of you?
> 
> I’m just saying, don’t relax too much with your spouse, try to impress them first. You can’t just be on your best behaviour at the beginning, and then stop trying around them, yet continue proving your worth to The outside world. If that attitude extends to other areas, is your job, your group of friends and church group or whatever, really going to keep you warm when your spouse realise they’re really low on your list of people you are trying to impress?


Again I agree with you... to an extent.

It does sound like she's in ultra comfy and doesn't matter mode. From that point, I come back to agreeing with your view again and as it bothers him. If she just met him and felt that 'Oop I get to see him tonight!' it's likely that she wouldn't be wearing the grey sweatpants - and based on that he's indicated that she appreciates fashion. Here my mind spirals a bit, as it could also link into feeling a lack of purpose or something and which depends on her mood and how she presents emotionally when he gets home too. Out of the two evils, I would imagine it better to arrive home to a spouse that's pleased to see you and kind of joyful and content yet is wearing ugly sweatpants, compared to someone dressed up yet kind of miserable and disinterested. Based on the defensive reaction, I'd suggest it's worth paying attention to the emotional elements.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

heartsbeating said:


> Again I agree with you... to an extent.
> 
> It does sound like she's in ultra comfy and doesn't matter mode. From that point, I come back to agreeing with your view again and as it bothers him. If she just met him and felt that 'Oop I get to see him tonight!' it's likely that she wouldn't be wearing the grey sweatpants - and based on that he's indicated that she appreciates fashion. Here my mind spirals a bit, as it could also link into feeling a lack of purpose or something and which depends on her mood and how she presents emotionally when he gets home too. Out of the two evils, I would imagine it better to arrive home to a spouse that's pleased to see you and kind of joyful and content yet is wearing ugly sweatpants, compared to someone dressed up yet kind of miserable and disinterested. Based on the defensive reaction, I'd suggest it's worth paying attention to the emotional elements.


I’m happy for people to disagree, I like so many of your points too, it’s good for me to see a different view as well other than my own, it’s always good to learn more and hear more. Yes that’s a huge thing too, a spouse that’s happy to see you. Really, not much else matters when someone’s so excited to see you coming home. ❤


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

To add, amongst other types of clothing, while I do wear yuppie sweatpants at home and wouldn't wear them out to dinner, I also blow-dry my hair every day (I know that not everyone does or needs to) and wear perfume daily. My husband does compliment my hair sometimes, and perhaps more so, that I smell good. He's often telling me that he likes how good I always smell. Plus other aspects that are on point. And so while I agree that in general sweatpants are not particularly flattering and there are other options of clothing, in our dynamic, he still very much demonstrates his attraction to me when I'm wearing them. Other times when I'm wearing a dress. Other times when I'm wearing jeans...and so on. I think the point I'm trying to make is that clothing is one aspect to appearance or 'effort', yet in daily living with one another I personally feel there's room for balance and based on function, while also acknowledging that it's okay to switch things up, plus also appreciating some things that could be taken for granted. No doubt I would wear perfume and blow-dry my hair anyway as it's just standard routine for me, however, I also appreciate that he appreciates those things too and that does reinforce continuation. However, if one is in a funk or not feeling particularly motivated either just within themselves or within the relationship, that's kind of a different aspect.

Also, you know that I am interested to know what kind of clothing you wear @Luckylucky ...please share!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

After you check to see if maybe she is depressed a bit - suggest she wear something a bit more attractive at home two days a week.

If she won’t or doesn’t - you’ll have your answer - she just doesn’t want to make effort for you at home. Take her out 3-4 nights a week - that would require her to wear something more fun for you.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

heartsbeating said:


> To add, amongst other types of clothing, while I do wear yuppie sweatpants at home and wouldn't wear them out to dinner, I also blow-dry my hair every day (I know that not everyone does or needs to) and wear perfume daily. My husband does compliment my hair sometimes, and perhaps more so, that I smell good. He's often telling me that he likes how good I always smell. Plus other aspects that are on point. And so while I agree that in general sweatpants are not particularly flattering and there are other options of clothing, in our dynamic, he still very much demonstrates his attraction to me when I'm wearing them. Other times when I'm wearing a dress. Other times when I'm wearing jeans...and so on. I think the point I'm trying to make is that clothing is one aspect to appearance or 'effort', yet in daily living with one another I personally feel there's room for balance and based on function, while also acknowledging that it's okay to switch things up, plus also appreciating some things that could be taken for granted. No doubt I would wear perfume and blow-dry my hair anyway as it's just standard routine for me, however, I also appreciate that he appreciates those things too and that does reinforce continuation. However, if one is in a funk or not feeling particularly motivated either just within themselves or within the relationship, that's kind of a different aspect.
> 
> Also, you know that I am interested to know what kind of clothing you wear @Luckylucky ...please share!


You remind me of my cousin in a way, she won’t touch heels and she’s our Addidas queen! But her hair and make up and jewellery is on point! She turns heads! I love that he comments on how good you smell ❤

I’m a dresses and skirts girl, and I love my lipstick and perfume, it’s lipstick as soon as I brush my teeth. It’s just me 🤷🏻‍♀️ I can go without it, but my family and friends will usually always ask, ‘Are you ok?’ 😂😂😂 if I don’t wear lipstick. It’s not my appearance that suffers, they just know something must be up. I also blow-dry my hair daily 😀 small daily things like this are good for us too - how can you not feel great facing the world with an amazing mane?

But I’m no saint either, and there have definitely been times where my husband has asked me to try something better or different, and when I was younger my first reaction was to be defensive. He once actually pointed out early in our marriage that I occasionally made more effort outside and I really had to stop and think - why am I doing this and what does it mean? I once was that person that perhaps didn’t consider I was trying to prove myself to outsiders more than him. He taught me this, he was right. It’s ok that he was right.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Luckylucky said:


> You remind me of my cousin in a way, she won’t touch heels and she’s our Addidas queen! But her hair and make up and jewellery is on point! She turns heads! I love that he comments on how good you smell ❤
> 
> I’m a dresses and skirts girl, and I love my lipstick and perfume, it’s lipstick as soon as I brush my teeth. It’s just me 🤷🏻‍♀️ I can go without it, but my family and friends will usually always ask, ‘Are you ok?’ 😂😂😂 if I don’t wear lipstick. It’s not my appearance that suffers, they just know something must be up. I also blow-dry my hair daily 😀 small daily things like this are good for us too - how can you not feel great facing the world with an amazing mane?
> 
> But I’m no saint either, and there have definitely been times where my husband has asked me to try something better or different, and when I was younger my first reaction was to be defensive. He once actually pointed out early in our marriage that I occasionally made more effort outside and I really had to stop and think - why am I doing this and what does it mean? I once was that person that perhaps didn’t consider I was trying to prove myself to outsiders more than him. He taught me this, he was right. It’s ok that he was right.


Thank you for sharing this!

Oh... I do like me some heels. More of late though, it's different heeled boots (mostly with my dresses, sometimes with jeans). Although I don't wear adidas, I get where you're coming from about part casual but part hair, makeup, jewellery. And I love that you shared about your lipstick  ...and relate to the blow-drying! I've had friends ask, 'What would your hair look like if you didn't blow-dry it?' And I've described it. They apparently want to see. Fat chance. Ain't happening. The hair gets done on the daily. Really good to learn/read how you shaped a different view based on previous experience, and your husband, and reflection. Thanks for posting!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

People should have clothes at home that are presentable and comfortable, so they look good for the spouse. 
That's like a principle for me. 
It shouldn't be a choice between work clothes and gym clothes.
The home clothes don't have to be as presentable as work clothes,but they should be better than being a slob.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

The OP's marriage must be very good if this is the only thing he is complaining about.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> _*Sex life is good. 2-3 times a week depending on the week. I could go for more, but based on some of the posts I've read in these forums, we are doing more than a lot of couples.*_


First world problems. Jesus.

You're married 20 years and you're *STILL* getting it 2-3 times a week - and you're whining about how she _dresses_?

Why don't you stop while you're ahead? Go read the "Dead Bedroom" sub on Reddit and you'll realize you've got it pretty damned good.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If that's what the op means then he should just say that. I do think that's what some men mean and I do think that that's why they get pushed back from some women on it. I said it another post that when women do look nice around the house they shouldn't necessarily take that as an invitation for sex. This poster said he's happy with their sex life so I was assuming he's not wanting her to necessarily dress sexy but just not like a slob.


fair enough, lets hear from the OP, makes your choice:

Dress Sexy?
or
Dress all dolled up and more formal?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> First world problems. Jesus.
> 
> You're married 20 years and you're *STILL* getting it 2-3 times a week - and you're whining about how she _dresses_?
> 
> Why don't you stop while you're ahead? Go read the "Dead Bedroom" sub on Reddit and you'll realize you've got it pretty damned good.


That's kind of a sexist comment. Because he's having a good sex life with his wife he should be happy with her wearing perpetual sweatpants and he can't have an opinion on it???

Who wants a spouse who only shows up in sweatpants? If this were a dude we'd be telling him to ditch the sweatpants and up his game a little bit. 

I could counter with an equally sexist train of thought and say, she doesn't have to work and has a man providing for her, she at least needs to get dressed in something other than sweatpants or she could lose her golden ticket 💰 💰

Give me 5 minutes in even a Walmart or Target and I could pull together comfortable cushy cute cotton day clothes that AREN'T GREY SWEATPANTS.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Just don't ask her to wear a bra or high heels around the house. It seems like should be some days she could just come home and take off her shoes and bra but keep wearing whatever she wore to work if it's comfortable. Usually what makes clothes uncomfortable is too tight or having to wear underwear and shoes.
> Of course if you had them on all day they may be sweaty. I know yesterday I couldn't wait to get my shoes off. They just got hot and sweaty after a while.


She does not come home from work and take it off. She does not work. 

Just blows my mind that a spouse would dress up and want to look nice for others but will not even put in effort for their own spouse. What my wife thinks is much more important to me than someone on the street. 

I would bring up going out to eat and if she says I have to get ready, I would say "Why, what you are wearing seems to be good enough for me, why are strangers more important for you to dress for?"


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> I get both of your points, and agree to a certain extent with both. @Luckylucky and @Girl_power
> 
> An example of how I'd suggest the 'real me' would be if I'm having a crappy hormonal time, yet I'm at home, I can do what I need to do and be how I need to be to feel better. From an appearance perspective, that's going to be sans makeup, and comfy clothes, maybe a blanket over me on the couch while popping ibuprofen. Okay, take the same scenario but now I need to go into the office. I'd be up earlier popping ibuprofen, dragging myself through the routine of putting myself together for the work setting, and getting on with it. Arrive back home, 'aahhh' it's the peaceful place. I make effort to look good (enough) most of the time, and yet there's also a comfort in being with a spouse who sees all sides, all scenarios, hair done, hair braided wet from the shower lol ...the 'real me' is all of it. And of course, experiencing my different mannerisms, emotions, thoughts, confidences, insecurities etc. The whole complex mix of being human. Appearance-wise though, a typical day, it's just a balance depending what is happening.


Seeing both sides is fine, problem is this guy only gets the down side of her.


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

I leave the house for work before the kids are even up for school sometimes. So when I see her in the morning she might not even be out of bed. Then when I see her at night after I've come home and worked out, she's looking frumpy on the other end of the couch. First world problems, yeah, but how much effort are we talking about here. On other forums I've read about how you have to keep a spark in your marriage, go on dates, try to be attractive to your partner. I believe that people want to feel desired, and if you don't get it at home, you may find yourself posting in the divorce forums. Someone commented that if this were a guy, people would be calling for him to step up his game, get in shape, lose weight, stop wearing old t shirts with holes in them, etc. Also, if having sex more than once a week defines a healthy marriage, then I would say the bar is set pretty low. I think it's sad if you're not finding time to be intimate with your spouse. And in case you're wondering, I make sure she crosses the finish line when she wants to.


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Seeing both sides is fine, problem is this guy only gets the down side of her.


This guy gets ALL the upside. My wife is intelligent, is a wonderful mother, is hysterical, is a talented writer, cooks well, makes interesting and thought provoking conversation, likes cool movies, and is as beautiful as she was when we met in college. I think the fact that she has all this upside, makes this one tiny issue stand out. So you really don't understand the situation.
Just because someone posts something on here with concerning a "complaint" doesn't mean there isn't a grain of truth in there. I could be wrong, after all I'm the husband, and we are usually in the wrong.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If that's what the op means then he should just say that. I do think that's what some men mean and I do think that that's why they get pushed back from some women on it. I said it another post that when women do look nice around the house they shouldn't necessarily take that as an invitation for sex. This poster said he's happy with their sex life so I was assuming he's not wanting her to necessarily dress sexy but just not like a slob.


I think he would be glad for her to wear jeans and nice T-shirt. Dressed like you can leave home as you are to go to store or out to eat. 

Just as I do, I can get up from the recliner and go to a restaurant. Only need to change if I have been working out in my shop. Same before I retired. I come home and off come the slacks and tie, but I put on jeans or shorts depending on weather. Either way I can leave the house and not have to change into something else. I also care about how I look to my wife. Don't think this woman gives a crap about hubby's preferences.


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> fair enough, lets hear from the OP, makes your choice:
> 
> Dress Sexy?
> or
> Dress all dolled up and more formal?


Neither really. Dolled up and formal is just on special occasions. She has a closet full of great outfits, she just doesn't wear them at home much. So a lot of the time I see her she looks frumpy, and I hate that the beautiful woman I married looks like a commercial for depression meds.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> This guy gets ALL the upside. My wife is intelligent, is a wonderful mother, is hysterical, is a talented writer, cooks well, makes interesting and thought provoking conversation, likes cool movies, and is as beautiful as she was when we met in college. I think the fact that she has all this upside, makes this one tiny issue stand out. So you really don't understand the situation.
> Just because someone posts something on here with concerning a "complaint" doesn't mean there isn't a grain of truth in there. I could be wrong, after all I'm the husband, and we are usually in the wrong.


The topic was her frumpy dress and that is what the reference is about.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> fair enough, lets hear from the OP, makes your choice:
> 
> Dress Sexy?
> or
> Dress all dolled up and more formal?


How about middle of the road...dress presentable.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Take her to dinner. She'll get dressed up. Don't quit dating just because you are married. Go show her off and she will dress up for you.


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> How about middle of the road...dress presentable.


That would work


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> Take her to dinner. She'll get dressed up. Don't quit dating just because you are married. Go show her off and she will dress up for you.


We've started going out more now that covid seems to be a little more under control. We go to lunch every Friday at a nice restaurant, and started to mix in dinner during the week. It's nice to do something during the week, and weekends are just so busy and hard to find a table.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I still think you are being a bit OTT about this. But fair enough. We all have our battles to fight.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Take her on a shopping lunch date, point out things you like and would like to see her wear, when you do tell her you bet she'd 'look hot in that', or other such nice things, see if she goes for it. Turn it into a positive experience and not a criticism....


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

.I don't think you can turn something like this into a positive thing. Someone is going to get disappointed.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Another thing..if wife ever asks how does this look...be truthful. Don't give the it looks fine. If I do not like it or think it is not appropriate...I tell her so. Don't dismiss or encourage behavior, etc. you do not agree with.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> Interesting that you say that about bodily functions, because she does that a lot more than I do. I mean everyone does it but she didn't do this years ago. It's as if we've become too comfortable. They say you should always try to date your spouse, well, I wouldn't be doing that if we were dating.


i haven't read the whole thread. I think the 20 years and wanting to still date. Yes a date. Then you dress up then you put in date effort. It seems to me though you want date effort everyday. You want to not know about her bodily function or her pimple or what have you. I feel this is something people work on together and come to an understanding in each relationship.

I would like to point out the flip side of that coin. You are stating you don't really want to be around the real her. She isn't good enough. Instead of accepting her and her accepting herself you want her to put on a show for you and act like someone who still needs to impress you.

I know there are many who believe this and live like this. I too have been married over 20 years. I find that I feel some much more loved and free because I am accepted for who I am. That also means I come to bed naked or walk around our bedroom naked because I don't feel judged or like I"m not good enough. I don't have to hide my imperfections or feel insecure. I means we have a good sex life.

You can gently bring this up. You can buy her clothes. You can also lose the love and faith she has now in the relationship. I recommend you think about what you actually want in your relationship. To be loved and accepted? Or to have to continue trying to impress someone whose loved you for 20 years? Treat her the way you'd like to be treated. And that doesn't mean oh you dress up. That means if when dating you opened doors, bought presents, called daily to ask how her day has been, took her out, wrote poetry what have you then you still do that.

Do you still woo her? Do you do things that she wanted when dating?

Good luck on your dance. Hope you find an acceptable balance.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> First world problems. Jesus.
> 
> You're married 20 years and you're *STILL* getting it 2-3 times a week - and you're whining about how she _dresses_?
> 
> Why don't you stop while you're ahead? Go read the "Dead Bedroom" sub on Reddit and you'll realize you've got it pretty damned good.


Don't worry the sex will start to diminish as she realizes she should be insecure because she isn't good enough and not sexy enough or wear enough makeup or lingerie.

Men always wonder why women cover up or stop sex. I think many times it is the insecurity about our bodies because they are never perfect. HIs wife is about to find out she's not good enough to love as is..... So I expect she will start dress up more after this conversation but having sex less. It will be an emotional hit.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> I leave the house for work before the kids are even up for school sometimes. So when I see her in the morning she might not even be out of bed. Then when I see her at night after I've come home and worked out, she's looking frumpy on the other end of the couch. First world problems, yeah, but how much effort are we talking about here. On other forums I've read about how you have to keep a spark in your marriage, go on dates, try to be attractive to your partner. I believe that people want to feel desired, and if you don't get it at home, you may find yourself posting in the divorce forums. Someone commented that if this were a guy, people would be calling for him to step up his game, get in shape, lose weight, stop wearing old t shirts with holes in them, etc. Also, if having sex more than once a week defines a healthy marriage, then I would say the bar is set pretty low. I think it's sad if you're not finding time to be intimate with your spouse. And in case you're wondering, I make sure she crosses the finish line when she wants to.


So how many times a week do you date your wife?


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Don't worry the sex will start to diminish as she realizes she should be insecure because she isn't good enough and not sexy enough or wear enough makeup or lingerie.


I don't care about makeup. Less is more. Sex life has been steady for decades. If Hans and Franz gray sweat pants is "good enough", I think you need to raise your standards.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> I don't care about makeup. Less is more. Sex life has been steady for decades. If Hans and Franz gray sweat pants is "good enough", I think you need to raise your standards.


Have fun telling your wife she doesn’t meet your standards.


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So how many times a week do you date your wife?


Let's see. Lunch every Friday. Dinner out not every week, but most weeks. I can freakin' cook, so most Satuday nights I cook a meal for us. She gets flower arrangements on a regular basis, just not usually on the day you're supposed to give them. A few months ago I hand wrote a letter telling her what an amazing person she is, and all the things about her that I love about her after 20 + years. I put it in her car so it would surprise her. Sometimes when she is in the shower, I'll throw a towel in the dryer so it will be warm when she gets out. I'll occasionally go on walks to get exercise, but I prefer other types of exercise, so that's not a weekly thing. Sometimes I go out and get her a really nice breakfast on weekends. I mean these aren't all date activities, but I try to be considerate and do nice things for her.


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> Have fun telling your wife she doesn’t meet your standards.


 Of course. I'm the a$$ in this situation. You have no idea how I treat her, None. Zero. She gets treated like a queen. I've NEVER told her that she doesn't meet my standards. Not one time. 
Some of you seem to think that if someone has a slightly negative opinion about one aspect of their partner's behavior, then that person is full of character flaws, and the marriage is on the brink of collapse. Maybe they're just mad that there are couples out there getting laid more than them and not fighting. Sheesh. Or maybe sweat pants chic is your jam.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Hey @NotSoAverageJoe how about having a serious talk with your wife and maybe a compromise if you go out once a week and lunch on Friday’s then the other 5 days she dresses a little nicer two of the evenings and sweats the other 3 and if you only do lunch o e week then 3 evenings seeats and 3 dressing a little nicer. Also I’d you agree on this the nights she does dress better make sure you give her your totally undivided attention for the entire evening and in turn she may change on her own. Best of luck!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> Of course. I'm the a$$ in this situation. You have no idea how I treat her, None. Zero. She gets treated like a queen. I've NEVER told her that she doesn't meet my standards. Not one time.
> Some of you seem to think that if someone has a slightly negative opinion about one aspect of their partner's behavior, then that person is full of character flaws, and the marriage is on the brink of collapse. Maybe they're just mad that there are couples out there getting laid more than them and not fighting. Sheesh. Or maybe sweat pants chic is your jam.


I don’t disagree with you. I don’t think she should be wearing sweatpants, and I think you treat her really well. But you already tried telling her once and it didn’t go well. 

I’m just quoting you… If sweatpants are ok with you, you need to raise your standard. Sweatpants are clearly ok with your wife, therefore one can Infer….


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> We've started going out more now that covid seems to be a little more under control. We go to lunch every Friday at a nice restaurant, and started to mix in dinner during the week. It's nice to do something during the week, and weekends are just so busy and hard to find a table.


So when you go out to dinner, does she dress presentably?


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> So when you go out to dinner, does she dress presentably?


Yes. She's got lots of nice outfits


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

I think it's a small ask.

Late last year my W told me straight up, can I buy you a few of these shirts, you'd look soooo good it them, and those grey shirts you always wear in winter are getting thin in the elbows, really not attractive. I think you'd look sooo good in these here, wink wink.

I'm happy to keep putting in the effort after 20+ years, I always tell her I want to feel like we're still dating. I'm the only person she gets to fool around with, so I want to continue to make myself f'able, and so does she. 

The shirts look great. 

Chapter 0 of the The Married Man Sex Life Primer, a no-brainer. It should be mutual.


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## NotSoAverageJoe (May 12, 2021)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> Hey @NotSoAverageJoe hAlso I’d you agree on this the nights she does dress better make sure you give her your totally undivided attention for the entire evening and in turn she may change on her own. Best of luck!


Yeah undivided attention is important. Phone stays in the pocket, not on the table.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> Yes. She's got lots of nice outfits


OK, now I have a better picture. She's confident enough to wear nicer clothes that you like out, in other words, when there's a reason to be seen in public. So it's not that she's hopeless in a fashion sense or especially lazy. She just doesn't see any reason to wear anything but sweats at home. So when you do go out and she dressed ok, when you get home does she immediately get back in the sweats? 

Tell her that you feel like she will dress up a little for just about anything or anyone, but she won't give up sweats around the house and that "they don't do you justice. I want to see a little bit of the girl I married when I'm home. I'm not talking about dressing sexy necessarily or dressing fancy. I'm just talking about not wearing the single most shapeless thick unflattering thing you can find around the house. I'm so proud to have you on my arm when we go out, but then we get home and it's like back into the cocoon. I try not to bother you about little things, and maybe this seems little to you, but it's working my nerves, and I'm sorry, but there are so many alternatives that would be just as comfortable without being as bundlesome as bubblewrap and totally concealing my beautiful wife. And if I'm dressing any way that offends you, I hope you'll speak up, because I'm willing to put in the effort."

Then offer to give her money for a new leisure wardrobe for loungewear for home. Show her a couple of those photos of just regular soft cozy comfy clothes that don't make you look like you're wrapped in bubble wrap. Tell her jeans would be great, even a robe or gown, that you're not picky, but just really fed up with sweats.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> Of course. I'm the a$$ in this situation. You have no idea how I treat her, None. Zero. She gets treated like a queen. I've NEVER told her that she doesn't meet my standards. Not one time.
> Some of you seem to think that if someone has a slightly negative opinion about one aspect of their partner's behavior, then that person is full of character flaws, and the marriage is on the brink of collapse. Maybe they're just mad that there are couples out there getting laid more than them and not fighting. Sheesh. Or maybe sweat pants chic is your jam.


Here's the thing. You aren't listening. No one is saying you are an ass. But you are conveying she doesn't meet your standards. You are also having trouble telling her this. When last you tried it made her defensive. Guess why. She heard you saying she doesn't meet your standards.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> Yeah undivided attention is important. Phone stays in the pocket, not on the table.


What do you think about the talk with her and working out a compromise like I mentioned.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> Don't worry the sex will start to diminish as she realizes she should be insecure because she isn't good enough and not sexy enough or wear enough makeup or lingerie.
> 
> Men always wonder why women cover up or stop sex. I think many times it is the insecurity about our bodies because they are never perfect. HIs wife is about to find out she's not good enough to love as is..... So I expect she will start dress up more after this conversation but having sex less. It will be an emotional hit.


Very big difference between not good enough and looking like a slob all the time. If she does not want to look presentable, the argument can be made she does not give a **** about hubby and what he feels about her.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> Of course. I'm the a$$ in this situation. You have no idea how I treat her, None. Zero. She gets treated like a queen. I've NEVER told her that she doesn't meet my standards. Not one time.
> Some of you seem to think that if someone has a slightly negative opinion about one aspect of their partner's behavior, then that person is full of character flaws, and the marriage is on the brink of collapse. Maybe they're just mad that there are couples out there getting laid more than them and not fighting. Sheesh. Or maybe sweat pants chic is your jam.


I don't think that's really fair, I mean, some people have been short with you, but you've gotten a lot of good suggestions for sensitive ways to bring this up with her. If she got defensive, honestly, she probably realizes she's being lazy and doesn't like being called on it. No one does, would you? There's a ton of good information and insight on this thread, don't let less than ideal delivery obscure good ideas. 

I like the idea of telling her that you guys need to go shopping for comfortable clothes for her, because the sweats don't do her justice. 

At some point, though, after trying all of that if she is STILL refusing and digging in, that's a different problem.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> Of course. I'm the a$$ in this situation. You have no idea how I treat her, None. Zero. She gets treated like a queen. I've NEVER told her that she doesn't meet my standards. Not one time.
> Some of you seem to think that if someone has a slightly negative opinion about one aspect of their partner's behavior, then that person is full of character flaws, and the marriage is on the brink of collapse. Maybe they're just mad that there are couples out there getting laid more than them and not fighting. Sheesh. Or maybe sweat pants chic is your jam.


You will see there are several women here with those ideas. Men are the devil and the oh poor wife can do no wrong. Dont know if they just got royally screwed over by some guy and it permanently skewed them against men or what.

Had a HS friend that screwed women right and left. Hell I would even warn them before but they still went to him like a moth to the flame. Then they would come whining back. Talk to the hand..I warned you but No! you would not listen. What? No I will not go out with you....I would not let my German Shepherd have you after you were with him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don't think that's really fair, I mean, some people have been short with you, but you've gotten a lot of good suggestions for sensitive ways to bring this up with her. If she got defensive, honestly, she probably realizes she's being lazy and doesn't like being called on it. No one does, would you? There's a ton of good information and insight on this thread, don't let less than ideal delivery obscure good ideas.
> 
> I like the idea of telling her that you guys need to go shopping for comfortable clothes for her, because the sweats don't do her justice.
> 
> At some point, though, after trying all of that if she is STILL refusing and digging in, that's a different problem.


You know it's not even about being lazy because he's not asking her to dress up fancy at home. He's just trying to get her out of sweats. It takes the exact same amount of time to put on any other two articles of clothing as it does putting on sweats. I can certainly see if she doesn't want to dirty up her synthetic clothes that would have to go to the cleaner or require special washing, but this isn't a case where he's asking her to do that. And actually there's nothing more bulky to wash than sweats..


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You know it's not even about being lazy because he's not asking her to dress up fancy at home. He's just trying to get her out of sweats. It takes the exact same amount of time to put on any other two articles of clothing as it does putting on sweats. I can certainly see if she doesn't want to dirty up her synthetic clothes that would have to go to the cleaner or require special washing, but this isn't a case where he's asking her to do that. And actually there's nothing more bulky to wash than sweats..


Oh I totally agree. He is not asking too much of her, at all. It's actually a very small ask, to be honest, and her reaction seems out of proportion. (Of course I wasn't there, I don't know how he brought it up, tone of voice, etc) She could be wearing cute lounge clothes that would be more comfortable than those bulky sweats, I almost wonder if something else isn't up. But there are a lot of good suggestions on the thread for gently approaching her.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Hey OP. Any more talks with the wife and if so, how did it go? 
Hard to go with this without more about your relationship in general.
If it has not been discussed again, I would say just have a casual talk with her and tell her that you were not trying to “boss her around” or tell her what to do or say she cannot be comfortable at home. And that you did not intend for this to become a big ordeal. Just that you love her and love to see her looking nice and that does not necessarily mean 
“Dressed up” or “uncomfortable” at home. Just that you’d love to see something different at home and see if she’d be willing to hash it out with you regarding “what something different” at home might be. Also, offer up if she has any thoughts or suggestions on your wardrobe.

lastly, I like to the suggestions other have made to go shopping together. The first shopping trip could be to buy a few different things and so how that goes. If there is something she really likes and you like it too, maybe go back and get more of that in different colors.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

If it were up me, she would never have them triple Ds covered 🤣🤣🤣


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> 100% agree. If I ask my wife to discuss something reasonable and she blows up. That's a problem. Forget the clothes, that reaction should be worked through.





BeyondRepair007 said:


> For years my wife always wore some butt-ugly things to bed at night.
> She would get comfortable in the evening, which is great with me. But then near bedtime she would switch to these ugly, fully covering cloths that weren't attractive at all.
> 
> She was comfortable with that so I didn't think too much about it for a long time.
> ...


My hubby and I resolved this conflict by both of us just coming to bed naked.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

memyselfandi said:


> My hubby and I resolved this conflict by both of us just coming to bed naked.


She won’t I will, it’s a compromise 🤣


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

NotSoAverageJoe said:


> She would respond by saying something like "I guess I'm just supposed to parade around in front of you in a dress all day."


BTW, the correct response to that is “great, glad we agree. Looking forward to seeing you in your sexy dress tomorrow.” - with a smile.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP's last post appears to be March 3rd, looks gone.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So, have you even tried to buy her some other comfortable clothes? The ones you would like to see her in. 

It actually could be depression on her part. Empty nest and not feeling needed any longer.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I got sucked into an old thread!!! 😂


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

memyselfandi said:


> My hubby and I resolved this conflict by both of us just coming to bed naked.


Wife and I have established the bed as a "no clothes zone". We both sleep much better in the buff and it sparks more intimacy times. If she gets cold she snuggles up to me as I am like a bear and always a little too warm for myself.


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