# Husband doesn't want me to see his account



## NostalgicConfusion (Aug 28, 2012)

I am seeking advice on an argument my husband and I had this afternoon. A little bit of background might be helpful:

We have been together for almost 8 years, married almost 3 of them. Initially, when we began dating, he had obvious troubles keeping his bank accounts positive. Not because he didn't make enough money, but because he spent too much of it and never paid attention to overdraft fees. It did not take long and we agreed that I would maintain accounts and he had to have limits set on him and his debit card usage so that these problems would not happen again. Well, it happened again...and again. It is touchy because every time I tell him to stop spending, he feels like I am treating him like a child. I understand that, but on the other hand, he is acting irresponsible and we had the agreement that I would oversee the accounts, so what am I to do? It is a no-win situation and a continual argument. He usually gets $60 in cash each week to spend on whatever he wants so that he does not need to use the debit card and so that I do not need to monitor what he uses the money for. All of the bills and groceries, entertainment and clothes are paid for out of the account, so that $60 is for him alone. I could be wrong, but I do not think he should be dipping into the debit account when he has all of that cash. 

Either way, I just graduated college with my terminal degree in May and I got a job for a very low wage that is under full time. It is a _great_ job with wonderful status, but it is not so great pay and no benefits. The both of us moved across country to be near family again and see if we could not start our _new_ lives here. My husband was only offered one job and it was actually less pay than what I am making so he decided to start his own business. Good for him. He now has unlimited earning potential, I unfortunately, do not. I also did not get a job in my desired field yet. I worked on getting my Masters degree so I could teach college, but unfortunately, most people do not receive college teaching jobs straight out of college, nor are they usually full time right at first. I thought my husband understood this. Apparently not. I did, however, secure a part time adjunct college teaching job this coming spring. It is a start and I am continually looking and applying to full time teaching jobs that are within geographic reason to HIS vocation as well. I have already sacrificed not going to college in, or applying to jobs in certain states because of the state-by-state requirements of his vocation. 

Last night, while cooking dinner, my husband made an off the cuff remark and said, "You should get a real job." It really hurt my feelings and I let him know that and he never apologized even after I told him it was not funny and that was a seriously cruel thing to say to me. To make matters worse, he had already said to me about a week back that "You have your Masters degree and all of these conferences you went to in the past, you said they would help you get a job and it hasn't helped a bit." Did I mention I JUST graduated in May? Like 3 months ago and I landed a job, albeit not THE job, right after moving here.

Well, today I asked him if I could have access to see his business account. I have no access to it as it is his new business he just started and I am not a business partner. I told him I just wanted access to monitor the account and know what our finances are on a day-to-day basis. I assured him I did not want to be a signer on the account or have access to withdraw money and he told me it was none of my business and that he was "taking care of it." I reminded him that he never has been able to take care of an account by himself, let alone a business account! I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. We cannot survive on my paycheck alone, I am the one who pays all of the bills and buys all of the household items. I NEED to know what sort of income we have and what we are spending money on. I argued with him and told him it was ridiculous that he keep that information from me, he is my husband and I am his wife....we are supposed to function as one unit. Once again, I never said I wanted his money or wanted access to use it. I just need to know what is going on as I am essentially the book keeper of the marriage. For the past 8 years I have been the ONLY one who pays the bills. All of the bills, matter of fact. 

I believe that I should have access to see the account so that I know he is keeping us in good finances. He never has been able to that before, and he knows this. Then when I was arguing with him, he still insisted I have no right to know what goes on in his account as long as 'things are taken care of' I told him that was ridiculous and pushing me away. It makes me feel like he is hiding something from me. I told him and of course he turned it on me and told me I was freaking out. 

Longer story.....on his way out the door tonight, he reminded me how much more money he makes than me now and how he has always made more money than me and how I need to contribute too. He then slammed me again with reminding me what a waste my Masters degree and all of the conferences we spent money on to further my education and network were.

What am I to do? Honestly, am I in the wrong with wanting access to his account to simply view it? Also, I thought it was quite good that I got a job right after graduation in this economy. I only make 25k/year working 35 hours a week and also have an adjunct college teaching job lined up for next semester. My job is a wonderful 'stepping stone' as I am a director in upper management at a non-profit in the field of my degrees. There is no room for advancement, but it gives me more upward mobility than working customer service in a job unrelated to my degrees.

He said again, that he was just joking about my job not being a real job. And he has yet to apologize for anything he has said to me in the past couple days. He thinks I am the one who should apologize and that I made him feel horrible because I am too pushy wanting to know his business. 

I need help here. Am I in the wrong?


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## Costanze (Aug 29, 2012)

Doesn't is suck being between college and a "real job" in academia that pays real money? You did a good job by getting something in the first three months! Don't give up. He's being truly awful by not supporting you. Does he not understand that sometimes you have to do things that matter for very little money so someday you can do things that will make the big bucks? Isn't that what having a start-up is like in the beginning?

I would get a second job and work more hours than he does. Then I would set up a "State of the Union" in which you draw a half/half line in the sand where you require him to step up and pay for half of all necessities. Get a budget planner and track it. Let him be the king of his castle for a while, and if he clearly is not pulling his weight or endangers your stability, demand to see his accounts. He may already be ballsing things up, which is why he's so defensive and condescending.

I hope your situation improves soon.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

> For the past 8 years I have been the ONLY one who pays the bills. All of the bills, matter of fact.


So how/where did he get the money to start his own business? You pay the bills, does that mean the money all comes from you or just that you do the books? 

I know it is water under the bridge at this point, but if you knew he wasn't good with money, you should have been very involved with the business right from the start.

I think he may have become resentful of you managing his money. That doesn't make it right. 

Since you've managed the bills, how much $$$ does he contribute to the bills? Has he always contributed more or less than you?

Bottom line, I think everything is shared in marriage, so he shouldn't be hiding this from you. And he shouldn't be belittling you with those types of comments.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Youve been together 8 years! You should have sorted yourselves out by now. I am sure there is much more to it than managing money. Is his new business making a profit? You again really need counselling but I dont think that would help either. He has to have a bit of space and you have to give it him. How much really can his business account cost you if he overspends. Make sure there is some kind of limit on it and then let him be.


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