# What if you both want to live different places/lifestyles?



## WorkingWife

Do any of you have a situation where your ideal dream home area/lifestyle is very different from your spouses? How do you handle it if you want opposite things?

Here’s my situation - I grew up on a farm. I now live in southern CA. The weather’s always nice, we have a few good friends we enjoy seeing from time to time, but the bottom line is, I do not want to be here. I landed here because of the military and got married to my husband here, right about the time that I was realizing this is not where I want to live. Part of it is the extremely high cost of living and high taxes, but a bigger part of it is emotional - I just don’t feel like I really “fit” here. (And I have family in another state I'd love to be close to.)

When I think of retirement, I think of us in a decent home on the outskirts of town where you can hear the frogs and crickets at night and houses are on 1 to 10 acres of land - neighbors but not on top of each other. A short drive to town, friends, convenience, & entertainment but the feel of living in the country. 

I also envision a little different culture -- where neighbors are more neighborly, communities are a little more tight knit. (My husband thinks that’s just a fantasy of mine, I think it really exists, but who knows...)

My husband, on the other hand, grew up in southern California. He has the same objections to the state of CA as I do regarding taxes and policies, but southern California is just home to him and he does not want to leave. He wants to live near the ocean (never mind he hasn't been there for years, he plans to go...) He wants to live in a regular suburb type neighborhood, in the nicest, biggest house he can afford. (Right now we rent because we can't afford to buy a decent house in a decent neighborhood where we are. It would be at least $800,000)

When we talk about our dream retirement or even vacation, he wants to be on a beach somewhere. I want to be in a cabin in the woods.

On one hand I feel guilty because this is where we lived when we got married and while I mentioned in passing I’d like to live elsewhere, I certainly didn't make it a condition for marriage. But on the other hand, he knew this wasn't my ideal location and I’m the primary bread winner by far so far, and he’s had no problem keeping me here spending every cent I’ve made just to keep the lights on and a roof over our heads when I don’t even want to be here.

When I try to explain that I really want to leave this state, his response is to use logic to get rid of my objections. If we made just a couple thousand a month more, the cost of living and taxes wouldn't be an issue. But the truth is, if I won the lottery tomorrow and money was absolutely no object, the first thing I would do is leave CA. (After I paid my taxes, of course!)

Anyhow, I just wonder if many of you face a similar situation and how you handle it. I feel like I’ve been sacrificing for many years for his desired lifestyle and I’m sick of it. But I also feel like I married him and I have no more right to force him to live where I want than he does to force me to stay here. 

Thoughts?


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## MattMatt

How about Northern California, instead?

If I could I'd get a job in Silicon Valley and live in one of the small towns in or near Wine Country.


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## Adelais

According to Dr. Harley, you both should eventually live somewhere that makes you both happy. It shouldn't be one person getting their way, and the other one not. You may have to buy one house, and have a time share in another.


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## katiecrna

Just curious how old are you two and do you have any kids. Do you guys have good jobs and can you both find jobs easily in other areas? You guys both need to compromise and find something you both like. You seem to like small town humble living whereas he seems to like big house, suburban lifestyle. You guys need to compromise, or else do you think he can give you a life that will make you happy? If not sounds like you need to leave him and do what makes you happy.


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## WorkingWife

MattMatt said:


> How about Northern California, instead?
> 
> If I could I'd get a job in Silicon Valley and live in one of the small towns in or near Wine Country.


I actually used to live in Northern CA Wine Country (Santa Rosa), and I grew up on a farm in Central Valley CA. The thing is, I personally do not want to be in California period. I disagree with about 75% of the political decisions that go down in this state, and high cost of living aside, I just don't like being a part of it.

If we were to stay in CA but move out of the city we're in now, I could see living in Temecula which has a much more rural, small town feel to it even though it's a pretty big place. But I really would like to get out of CA completely.


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## MattMatt

WorkingWife said:


> I actually used to live in Northern CA Wine Country (Santa Rosa), and I grew up on a farm in Central Valley CA. The thing is, I personally do not want to be in California period. I disagree with about 75% of the political decisions that go down in this state, and high cost of living aside, I just don't like being a part of it.
> 
> If we were to stay in CA but move out of the city we're in now, I could see living in Temecula which has a much more rural, small town feel to it even though it's a pretty big place. But I really would like to get out of CA completely.


Fair enough!

Then I would make the following suggestions. Ireland just outside Dublin, or the English Midlands.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingWife

katiecrna said:


> Just curious how old are you two and do you have any kids. Do you guys have good jobs and can you both find jobs easily in other areas? You guys both need to compromise and find something you both like. You seem to like small town humble living whereas he seems to like big house, suburban lifestyle. You guys need to compromise, or else do you think he can give you a life that will make you happy? If not sounds like you need to leave him and do what makes you happy.


Well age and kids is a big part of this. I just turned 50 and he's 53. We have a few dogs but no kids. I really wanted kids and he said he did too, but we are both self employed, and since we've been married, he has worked very little. His business was already faltering when we married and then he started having health issues and just never pulled it back together.

Now he's studying a new type of business and is very enthused about it and full of promises but he's been "about" to do something grand as long as I've known him.

We married when I was about 37 and I traveled constantly for work back then and there was never enough money to think about having kids. Then suddenly we were in our mid 40's so we decided to adopt from the foster system instead of trying to have kids later in life, but his medical conditions flared up almost every time we were supposed to go to class for the adoption process so we've been "going to adopt" for 8 - 10 years now...

Wanting these children is the main reason I've been willing to stay in CA, because if we move we have to start the process all over. But his health issues keep getting worse and I spend all my time working so the dream of the children, or at least children with him, is fading. I'm very resentful about that.

Re work - a lot of my work is done over the internet and I could do it from anywhere with a good internet connection. I bring in varying amounts of money but I'd say on average $90K to $150K. Once you take taxes and necessities out of that, it's not even middle class where we live. 

I would lose some in person business if I moved, but I feel confident I could bring in $60 to $80K in a much cheaper area and have so much less stress and more free time than I do now. 

When I tell him this he gets frustrated and says we just need to get the business making more money. And it's true that if we had more money we could have less stress and more free time, but my "desire" to 1) move out of this state and 2) to live a more rural lifestyle remains.

We are studying ways to market what I do over the internet and we really believe that we will be able to make a lot more where the cost of living here is not such a factor, but I'm putting these kids on hold that much longer to do that and I'm thinking -- this is all his dream, not mine. 

If I had never married him and stayed single or found someone who pulled 50% of the weight financially and didn't want to live so expensively, I'd have a few hundred thousand, at least, saved by now.

Sorry to ramble on and on. It's true that I might be happier if I just left him, but I do take my marriage vows seriously and I do love him and I don't know what my odds are of finding anything as good or better romantically at 50. Though I think if I up and moved he would follow. But then he'd be very resentful.


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## john117

That's one of the issues that will eventually nuke my marriage.

My idea of retirement is a high-rise condo in a huge city. Boston, Chicago, you get the idea. Wife's is a 6000 sq ft palace in Des Moines Iowa. 

Or, fix up my apartment in one of the most interesting capitals of Europe, live there part time and in an apartment somewhere warm in Florida, maybe Tampa / St. Pete.

I can't stand a lot of places and California is one of them, Seattle another. I love big urban places. Things to do. And no yardwork.


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## WorkingWife

MattMatt said:


> Fair enough!
> 
> Then I would make the following suggestions. Ireland just outside Dublin, or the English Midlands.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hmmmm... I've always wanted to at least visit Ireland. I'm very pale, I would fit right in! He says he wants to move to Australia or some place like Costa Rica if he were to leave CA. I don't want to leave the US though. California, yes. America, no.


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## WorkingWife

john117 said:


> That's one of the issues that will eventually nuke my marriage.
> 
> My idea of retirement is a high-rise condo in a huge city. Boston, Chicago, you get the idea. Wife's is a 6000 sq ft palace in Des Moines Iowa.
> 
> Or, fix up my apartment in one of the most interesting capitals of Europe, live there part time and in an apartment somewhere warm in Florida, maybe Tampa / St. Pete.
> 
> I can't stand a lot of places and California is one of them, Seattle another. I love big urban places. Things to do. And no yardwork.


That is interesting. So did you and your wife talk about this before marriage or did your differences come to light over time? Do you think it could really nuke your marriage someday?

I know we should be able to compromise but as I get older I really am asking myself "What do I want my life to look like?" where I never did when younger and I am seeing him as an obstacle to both financial security and living life the way I want to.

ETA: Also, just curious, what do you hate about California? It sounds like it would appeal to you but maybe there's not a lot of urban skyrise living here (I've never really looked into it). I hear there's a lot to do, but since I'm always working I wouldn't really know...


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## WorkingWife

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> According to Dr. Harley, you both should eventually live somewhere that makes you both happy. It shouldn't be one person getting their way, and the other one not. You may have to buy one house, and have a time share in another.


I've been thinking about that a lot. (How Dr. Harley would say to handle this.) We should not be sacrificing and I definitely have been. But asking him to move is asking him to sacrifice.

It's frustrating because there is one place I would most want to move to because I have family I am close to there. However I'm open to *many *locations, but it comes down to:

I'm open to be a lot of places, just not HERE. He claims he would be miserable anywhere BUT here.

The idea of having a main home elsewhere and then getting a condo here has definitely come up. He has been promising me for about 10 years though that we will adopt children from the foster system. I'm starting to catch on that he's changing his mind and has been stringing me along with that notion. But when I suggest living elsewhere and getting a condo/time share type thing here, he says that won't work because we're going to get school age kids and we'll be "stuck" in the main home.

So far we really aren't able to discuss it. When we try talking about it we both get frustrated and shut down pretty fast. Today I brought it up and he basically said something along the lines of "if you are choosing to live elsewhere then you are choosing to live without me." I dropped the subject but my thought is -- "Ok, but you have no trouble living where you know I don't want to be."

One thing I'm learning from Dr. Harley's stuff is that my giver is very dominant and my H's taker is dominant. We're both trying to do better but it is very hard for me to say no to him about anything he wants. But like Dr. Harley says, you start to get very resentful. I am there -- very resentful, and feeling like I have every right to start making demands. But I still find it nearly impossible to say "no" to anything I know he wants - whether it's something as simple as staying up another hour watching TV when I want to read, or buying something I don't want or think we need, or as serious as my working non stop for years with absolutely no life savings and no children all to support his desired lifestyle that I don't mind but it's not what I would choose for myself, certainly not at this cost.

I don't know what is wrong with me - I think I am just very conflict adverse and weak - but it's like I think he'll perish (or stop loving me?) if he doesn't get to have or do something he desires. I'm stuck in this bad situation at 50 because I have not stood up for myself, but then I'm told I need to find a win-win solution if I want to have a marriage, and I agree with that, but I also start to think I will die a lonely, broke, little old lady some day if I don't start making some selfish demands. 

I have told him that this year I am giving my business all I have, and either it grows or it doesn't, but if it doesn't, I will be re-evaluating my life. I'm not going to keep slaving away to age 60 and my own health issues for this elusive promise of how we're going to make a bunch of money so current cost of living and lack of retirement savings doesn't matter.  Arrrggg!


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## Adelais

WorkingWife said:


> I'm stuck in this bad situation at 50 because I have not stood up for myself, but then I'm told I need to find a win-win solution if I want to have a marriage, and I agree with that, but I also start to think I will die a lonely, broke, little old lady some day if I don't start making some selfish demands.
> 
> I have told him that this year I am giving my business all I have, and either it grows or it doesn't, but if it doesn't, I will be re-evaluating my life. I'm not going to keep slaving away to age 60 and my own health issues for this elusive promise of how we're going to make a bunch of money so current cost of living and lack of retirement savings doesn't matter.  Arrrggg!


Can you tell him everything you wrote and set a deadline for yourself? At that deadline you can re evaluate how things are going. If he loves you he will consider living somewhere that not only he can be happy, but you too.


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## MattMatt

WorkingWife said:


> Hmmmm... I've always wanted to at least visit Ireland. I'm very pale, I would fit right in! He says he wants to move to Australia or some place like Costa Rica if he were to leave CA. I don't want to leave the US though. California, yes. America, no.


Canada? I have a brother in Canada. He and his family love it. Though the winters are a bit severe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thefam

I'm amazed you still want kids! I have 2 after trying for 5 years and although I love and appreciate having them SO much, I see why people start having kids in their 20's. (I will be 31 soon.) 

As for relocation, my H is temporarily assigned to the other side of the country. I will rejoin him in June (came back home to have our baby in December. ) my H LOVES where we temporarily live and I HATE it. I have a constant nagging fear that his company will ask/offer him to permanently relocate at the year end when his assignment is over. And I know he will talk me into it as he usually does. I wouldn't dream of leaving my husband for location reasons but I cannot imagine ever being happy if we relocate there. We both have very large close knit families and I know I would miss them tremendously. 

I have tried discussing the possibility but he just says he doesn't know what will happen so I shouldn't get all worked up over it until we know something because it may never happen. Money is not an issue as his company pays a surplus because of the high cost of living. But I don't like anything about the area, even the nice weather is not a bonus for me because I LOVE experiencing 4 seasons.

So I guess bottom line is I could possibly be joining you in hating where I live but I'm going to have to make the best of it because our marriage trumps everything to me. Not really saying that to pass judgement on you or anything but that's the way it is for me.


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## Cooper

I think your conflict on where you want to live is just the tip of the ice berg. I think all those years of giving in to him and his wants have left you frustrated and unfulfilled emotionally. So what do people do when they're unhappy? They look for their happy place, and for you happiness was back home on the farm where you were raised and have family. 

I was married to a person like your husband, and I always felt it was my job to make her happy even at the cost of personal sacrifice. I was unhappy at 35, more unhappy at 40, flat out miserable at 45.....see how this works? Divorced at 48 and it was like flipping a switch in my life, everything got brighter.

Here's the point I want to make....you and your husband both have the same goal, to make him happy. And that's the problem, he is adamant at ignoring your wants for his own wants, and you are just as willing to ignore your wants so he gets what he wants. So you are 50 and unhappy, soon you will be 55 and unhappy, then 60 and flat out miserable.

The dynamics of your life will continue unless you change something. Either your husband learns to compromise and recognize your goals, or you pursue the life you want as a single person. Or you can remain unhappy and watch the years tick by.


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## happy as a clam

These kids you want to adopt "someday"... How much longer can you realistically wait? Let's face it, neither of you are spring chickens anymore, and it's only going to get more difficult to make it a reality the older you get.

It's time to sit down and really hash out your short and long term goals. Where you live is an issue, but it's certainly not the biggest issue. The fact that you seem to have put your life on hold for the past thireteen years for this man is the real issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs

There is one thing everyone needs to bear in mind: this is a California marriage over 10 years, and WW is the breadwinner. That means if she divorces him there she will be paying him lifetime alimony. It's not too surprising to me that a man that's getting everything he wants and his wife is supporting him doesn't want to leave a state that will reward him with a good piece of her income for the rest of their lives if she tries to get free.


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## IamSomebody

WorkingWife said:


> Well age and kids is a big part of this. I just turned 50 and he's 53. We have a few dogs but no kids. I really wanted kids and he said he did too,* but we are both self employed, and since we've been married, he has worked very little. * His business was already faltering when we married and then he started having health issues and just never pulled it back together.
> 
> Now he's studying a new type of business and is very enthused about it and full of promises but he's been "about" to do something grand as long as I've known him.
> 
> We married when I was about 37 and I traveled constantly for work back then and there was never enough money to think about having kids. Then suddenly we were in our mid 40's so we decided to adopt from the foster system instead of trying to have kids later in life, *but his medical conditions flared up almost every time we were supposed to go to class for the adoption process so we've been "going to adopt" for 8 - 10 years now...
> *
> Wanting these children is the main reason I've been willing to stay in CA, because if we move we have to start the process all over. But his health issues keep getting worse and I spend all my time working so the dream of the children, or at least children with him, is fading. I'm very resentful about that.
> 
> Re work - a lot of my work is done over the internet and I could do it from anywhere with a good internet connection. I bring in varying amounts of money but I'd say on average $90K to $150K. Once you take taxes and necessities out of that, it's not even middle class where we live.
> 
> I would lose some in person business if I moved, but I feel confident I could bring in $60 to $80K in a much cheaper area and have so much less stress and more free time than I do now.
> 
> When I tell him this he gets frustrated and says we just need to get the business making more money. And it's true that if we had more money we could have less stress and more free time, but my "desire" to 1) move out of this state and 2) to live a more rural lifestyle remains.
> 
> We are studying ways to market what I do over the internet and we really believe that we will be able to make a lot more where the cost of living here is not such a factor, but I'm putting these kids on hold that much longer to do that and I'm thinking -- this is all his dream, not mine.
> 
> If I had never married him and stayed single or found someone who pulled 50% of the weight financially and didn't want to live so expensively, I'd have a few hundred thousand, at least, saved by now.
> 
> Sorry to ramble on and on. It's true that I might be happier if I just left him, but I do take my marriage vows seriously and I do love him and I don't know what my odds are of finding anything as good or better romantically at 50. Though I think if I up and moved he would follow. But then he'd be very resentful.


He is using you. Hardly working since you married but always onto some new idea and his health issues "flaring up" every time you have parenting classes as well as his refusal to consider living any where else shows you matter little to him except in what you can provide him. His telling you if you earned a couple thousand a month more would eliminate your problems shows he doesn't care about you and it is all about him.

Hate to break it to you, but between aging out and dragging your feet, you can pretty much rule out adoption.

Speak to a shark-like divorce attorney about what would happen if you moved away, to a non-community state, for a year then filed for divorce. And what would happen if your income dropped below his.

Stop being miserable and get away from this moocher.

IamSomebody


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## katiecrna

You should look into places you want to move, make a plan and buy a place. And tell him that's ur moving in X amount of weeks ( have everything planned to a T). Tell him he can either come or he can stay here by himself. Don't divorce him, it will be too expensive. You need to start living for yourself and start making up your own rules for your life. You are the breadwinner, your obviously smart and have a good job that you can do anywhere, your in the perfect place to move. 
If he decides to stay (which he won't), make sure you have separate accounts. 
Realistically the chances of adopting is slim to non, especially with your age and ur health problems you briefly mentioned. Grieve this and move on. You can have a wonderful life if your willing to start controlling your own life and happiness.


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## WorkingWife

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Can you tell him everything you wrote and set a deadline for yourself? At that deadline you can re evaluate how things are going. If he loves you he will consider living somewhere that not only he can be happy, but you too.


Thanks, that is kind of what I have done. I have told him these things and when I turned 50 I said I was giving myself 'till June and then I was re-evaluating things. (I'm really willing to give it to the end of the year but I need some progress by June.)

When I tell him how I feel his reaction is all the reasons why I should not feel that way, as if that somehow resolves the situation. If I don't get progress by June I think I will write it down to him in a letter. If I don't have real change by the end of the year, I may just move and invite him to join me...


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## WorkingWife

MattMatt said:


> Canada? I have a brother in Canada. He and his family love it. Though the winters are a bit severe.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well there are plenty of places in the US where I'd love to live. His issue is that he can only be happy exactly where we are now, or on some tropical beach like Kauaii Hawaii or Costa Rica. (We did talk about Florida but I'm not too keen on it -- it's across the nation from all family and friends.)


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## Adelais

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) you don't have children, or it would be so much more difficult for you to move without him. As others have suggested, telling him you are moving, and inviting him to come, or stay seems like the best plan.


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## Cooper

I realize you have been living his life for years and now feel it's your turn to steer the boat but I don't think that's how things work. The frustration and anger you feel now at being stuck where you are and who you are with is exactly how your husband will feel if you force him to move by ultimatum or black mail. And keep in mind moving isn't going to change the man he is, he is still going to be a lazy sod scheming at ways to make easy money while in reality contributing little to your income and life. Actually my guess is he will be worse because you will be forcing him to "start over", and yes I quoted that because I will bet you a dollar he says those very words. 

In my opinion moving as a couple will change nothing.


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## SimplyAmorous

WorkingWife said:


> I know we should be able to compromise but as I get older I really am asking myself "What do I want my life to look like?" where I never did when younger and I am seeing him as an obstacle to both financial security and living life the way I want to.


WorkingWife.. you are a through & through Country girl.. like this.. 










Not sure how you get this out of your system.. reading your posts.. I feel the same as you!!... even when I look for vacations.. I like to find secluded cabins in the woods , give me a hot tub out the back door under an elm tree - that's heaven! 

Doesn't sound like he is willing to compromise...like at all.... just expects you to live with it.. while you are footing all the higher expenses.. how long have you been married ?? 

Keep us posted...


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## Lukedog

I agree with alot of the comments. I don't think moving as a couple will solve your problems. It will only breed bigger resentment from him. Likewise, staying where you are and you basically supporting your husband is going to breed bigger resentment from you. I don't think your husband has "planned" on doing any of the things that he has said he was planning on doing, and with his health problems growing I don't see him doing any more of anything. And realistically, with his health problems and both of your ages, is it even at all possible to adopt children now? IMO, it doesn't sound like he has thought much about your happiness nor has made many sacrifices for you. I think you should give him an ultimatum and a time frame. And start planning your life and your happiness without him. Good Luck!


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## LaundryMan

Here's my advice (which it looks like you're already partly following): leave, and leave the door open for him to come. He's welcome to divorce you if it comes down to it. Don't live in a place you hate. And don't worry about the alimony, even if it ends up as lifetime...you said yourself you could cut your income substantially and still do fine if you lived in a cheaper place, which is what you wanted.

Disagreement on where we were living was one of the early factors that caused my marriage to collapse. She was essentially in your position, absolutely hating where we'd moved, but being much more dramatic about it (saying I "forced" her to move away from everything she knew and loved). And it spiralled out of control from there.

Incidentally, I'm in SoCal, and I don't particularly care for it either, but I'm willing to live here because I love my job, which isn't exactly "portable" like some jobs are.


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## Nucking Futs

LaundryMan said:


> Here's my advice (which it looks like you're already partly following): leave, and leave the door open for him to come. He's welcome to divorce you if it comes down to it. Don't live in a place you hate. *And don't worry about the alimony, even if it ends up as lifetime...you said yourself you could cut your income substantially and still do fine if you lived in a cheaper place, which is what you wanted.*
> 
> Disagreement on where we were living was one of the early factors that caused my marriage to collapse. She was essentially in your position, absolutely hating where we'd moved, but being much more dramatic about it (saying I "forced" her to move away from everything she knew and loved). And it spiralled out of control from there.
> 
> Incidentally, I'm in SoCal, and I don't particularly care for it either, but I'm willing to live here because I love my job, which isn't exactly "portable" like some jobs are.


I disagree with the part in bold. That may be how it is now, but you have no idea what unexpected expenses may come up later in your life. You don't want to be in a position of either buying your medication or paying his alimony. I seriously doubt he'd be willing to take a reduction or wait for his payment if you get in a bind of some kind. This isn't like a mortgage or some other payment that if worst comes to worst you can walk away from.

In my opinion life time alimony is akin to slavery. Much like having to pay to raise a child that isn't yours simply because you were defrauded by someone you trusted.


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## SunCMars

WorkingWife said:


> HTML:
> 
> 
> I also start to think I will die a lonely, broke, little old lady some day if I don't start making some selfish demands.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> HTML:
> 
> 
> I'm not going to keep slaving away to age 60 and my own health issues for this elusive promise


You have answered your own questions in these two blurbs.
Time IS running out. What ever you do be fair in your decision.

Divorce is painful [for most] for a reason. 

You have to renegotiate your life-contract with your spouse.

If you do divorce, do so after you create a detailed and a fair plan.

In the interim...don't cheat.


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## WorkingWife

SunCMars said:


> You have answered your own questions in these two blurbs.
> Time IS running out. What ever you do be fair in your decision.
> 
> Divorce is painful [for most] for a reason.
> 
> You have to renegotiate your life-contract with your spouse.
> 
> If you do divorce, do so after you create a detailed and a fair plan.
> 
> In the interim...don't cheat.


Thank you. I have been away from the forum for a bit (trying to focus on work! LOL) and I just now read this.

You are right. I have the answer inside of me. I would never cheat. I'm not above coming on here and enjoying the occasional ***** fest about my husband, but I do love him and he is a good person and I would never hurt him like that. Besides, the idea of an affair is so stressful to me. I can't even imagine inviting that kind of chaos and self contempt into my life.

I think I need to think long and hard about what I really want and start moving toward that. Honestly, If I said to my husband "I am moving." and then just did it, I believe he would come with me, but like you said, I need to renegotiate. I am not digging his "selfish demand" of living where I don't want to live, but I also don't want to make him miserable either. There MUST be a solution.

On the Marriage Builders website they say you should spend a minimum of 15 hours a week together. My H laughs at this idea but I have noticed that when we do spend more time together I do feel more love for him and less obsessed with where we are living. When we spend less time together I feel indifferent to him, like I would be just as happy or happier without him.


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## SunCMars

Someone must bend. And bend more than the other.

You can only be in one place at a time. You could buy or build a small house or A-frame in your preferred area. Spend vacations or summers there.


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## WorkingWife

SimplyAmorous said:


> WorkingWife.. you are a through & through Country girl.. like this..
> 
> 
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> Not sure how you get this out of your system.. reading your posts.. I feel the same as you!!... even when I look for vacations.. I like to find secluded cabins in the woods , give me a hot tub out the back door under an elm tree - that's heaven!
> 
> Doesn't sound like he is willing to compromise...like at all.... just expects you to live with it.. while you are footing all the higher expenses.. how long have you been married ??
> 
> Keep us posted...


Sorry for the slow reply (I've been working!). 

I AM a country girl. I guess that is what frustrates me so. DH is slowly starting to be more understanding as I have learned about "disrespectful judgments" and asked him to stop it, but I am frustrated like no only does he not want to live the way I do, but he has snobbery toward for people who do.

He will say "I love you." and I started telling him "I don't believe you. I believe you love my being here, and what I do for you, but I don't believe you love ME, the person that I really am, because you don't want anything to do with it.

It's just little things too - I want a garden. We don't eat much bread or drink much, but when we do, I want to make bread from scratch (is there anything better?!) I'd love to try to brew my own beer. I love smoking meat. When I visit friends and relatives they all have gardens, and sourdough starter, and build things. It's so hard to quantify but I feel this longing like THAT is who I am, or want to be. He just sees those things as pointless as you can buy it faster/cheaper and know it will turn our right, and I'll just make a mess. (That is actually true but I am getting much better at cleaning up after myself to his delight.)

Anyhow - to answer you, we've been married almost 12 years. This is my second marriage. I had a bad feeling when I married him, but I did it anyhow. I so do not want another failed marriage. Now he has health problems and I would be horrible to abandon him. I will say that he is really trying hard and making major improvements and I am pretty happy on any given day. 

But the things I really really really want - children and living more rural are slipping away because I married him. I am resentful.

The bad thing is that I don't just want these things, I want a partner who wants them too. I can't make him want them any more than he can make me stop wanting them.

IN CONCLUSION (sorry so long): I am taking this year to try to grow my business significantly. More money will mean more options. Either dual lifestyle where we have two homes, or separation where no one ends up homeless.


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## WorkingWife

happy as a clam said:


> These kids you want to adopt "someday"... How much longer can you realistically wait? Let's face it, neither of you are spring chickens anymore, and it's only going to get more difficult to make it a reality the older you get.
> 
> It's time to sit down and really hash out your short and long term goals. Where you live is an issue, but it's certainly not the biggest issue. The fact that you seem to have put your life on hold for the past thireteen years for this man is the real issue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for your comments. Yes you are right.

Here is my current plan:
1. I have given myself 'till end of June to see some improvement from big changes in my business that could hopefully bring in significantly more money with ultimately less work.

2. His health gets worse and worse (the pain he is in) so "these kids" are going to be mostly my responsibility or not happen. Regardless, they will be older (at least 8-15 probably) due to our age.

3. If the kids are not going to happen, I feel justified in telling him "Then I am moving to TX to live near my stepdaughter where I can be an active grandparent to her little boys. I hope you will join me." 

I have given myself to the end of this year to fish or cut bait with the kids. He keeps saying he does want them but he is afraid due to his health issues. Of course he procrastinated on everything - business and kids - before his health issues.


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## Celes

If you don't mind my asking, what health issues is he suffering from? Has he been doing anything to address them?


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