# Whose Bed Is It, Anyway?



## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

About 6 months ago, my wife asked me to sleep in the guest room until our issues get better. Actually, she told me she'd sleep in there, but she just wanted a bedroom she could "call her own." I chose the guest room.

Last week, she took our son and left town to visit her parents for a few days (not out of anger, it was something of a planned trip). I slept that week in the master bedroom because the "big" bed has better support for my back. I just sleep better on it.

She came home last Monday. As she was cozying down to get to sleep, I asked her if I could come in and collect a couple of my things. She asked me what my things were doing in her room. I said I had slept on the better bed while she was gone.

She went nuts! Actually said I had "invaded her sanctuary!" Asked what I would have thought if she had slept in the guest room when I was out of town (I wouldn't have cared). Started yelling at me and asking what I would have done if she had allowed another man to sleep in our house ( I would have cared a lot about that one).

I'm trying to learn from my previous mistakes. Rather than apologize and tell her I'd try to do better, I told her she was going over the top and that I had done nothing wrong. That until 6 months ago, this was "our" bed. That the house is in my name, too. I finally told her we would need to disagree on this one and move on.

Got home from work on Tuesday, and she had spent the entire day moving the Queen bed out of the master room and into the guest room. Now our master room has a tiny little twin in the middle of the floor. She now says I can sleep on the bed I like any time I want and I won't be invading her sanctuary.

I will not argue the point. I'm sleeping on the Queen bed now. If she wants to argue about who sleeps where like children do, instead of working through our real issues, so be it. I'm not going to lose sleep over it. Literally!


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Hmmm she seems pretty mad about something? Do you know what is it? Are you discussing the issues at all for these 6 months?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Hmm.
Why do YOU have to move because SHE has a problem?
I feel that the Master Bedroom is OUR bedroom. If my wife has a problem sleeping with me, she is free to move.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Ohio,

Your missing the point. Letting your wife sleep in separate rooms is a big mistake. If nothing slaps you in the face more obviously than this about her taking control of the relationship and starting to check out of the marriage....this would be it.

MEM would call this the Precipice Dance, because it is one close step away from divorce it's obvious. Or a life of submission by you, if that's what you want. 

You need to take control. And take it back now. 

Me....I would sit her down and tell her if sh wants her own space that bad, then move out. That is the marriage bed and it's for both of you. If she freaks out, then I would hold up my hand and calmly tell her that's your decision and you will not be subjected to her demands regarding the bedroom. It's final. Leave the house if you need to.

You not arguing the point is not helping at all. By your silence, you just handed over the captains seat in your marriage to your first officer. Now, she's the captain. 

This is where you need to enforce your boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

The Master bedroom is her sanctuary? She is telling you loud and clear that she no longer wants to be married to you. It sounds like you are starting to Man Up and not put up with her crap, but I would tell her that in a marriage, the master bedroom is the place where married people sleep.

Do not let her treat you like this. If you have an honest discussion about your problems and she refuses to be a partner in the marriage, I would get out.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> The Master bedroom is her sanctuary? She is telling you loud and clear that she no longer wants to be married to you. It sounds like you are starting to Man Up and not put up with her crap, but I would tell her that in a marriage, the master bedroom is the place where married people sleep.
> 
> Do not let her treat you like this. If you have an honest discussion about your problems and she refuses to be a partner in the marriage, I would get out.


:iagree:
People who want their own rooms and beds should stay single.
Unless one of the spouses has health issues that require separate beds, married people need to maintain intimacy and physical closeness. 

I was at the hospital, visiting my best friend and her baby. I saw a beautiful poster with a baby nestled on the mother's chest. The poster spoke of babies needing skin to skin contact. 

I must be a baby, because cuddling with my husband is a must. Our bed is the perfect place for that.:smthumbup:


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

I agree with all of the above.

Id suggest, when the Wife isnt home, moving the master bed back into the master bedroom. That night, sleep in your bed. If wifey is going to get pissy, she knows where she can go.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> :iagree:
> People who want their own rooms and beds should stay single.
> Unless one of the spouses has health issues that require separate beds, married people need to maintain intimacy and physical closeness.
> 
> ...


My wife and I have seperate beds, and when space allows we have our own rooms. Allows us to have our own space. But it works for us. Not to mention we both have bad backs and go to bed at very different times.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

hurtnohio said:


> About 6 months ago, my wife asked me to sleep in the guest room until our issues get better. Actually, she told me she'd sleep in there, but she just wanted a bedroom she could "call her own." I chose the guest room.
> 
> Last week, she took our son and left town to visit her parents for a few days (not out of anger, it was something of a planned trip). I slept that week in the master bedroom because the "big" bed has better support for my back. I just sleep better on it.
> 
> ...


hmmmm. Absurd. I would have not left the marriage bed. If she wanted to sleep in another room for a day or two fine. But if it came to that we would be discussing how to proceed with divorce. She is asking for an in house separation it seems. Unacceptable to me. There is no part of the house that I do not have access to. My wife and I each have separate offices, but they actually both belong to the two of us. 

I would not live that way frankly.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

hurtnohio said:


> About 6 months ago, my wife asked me to sleep in the guest room until our issues get better. Actually, she told me she'd sleep in there, but she just wanted a bedroom she could "call her own." I chose the guest room.
> 
> Last week, she took our son and left town to visit her parents for a few days (not out of anger, it was something of a planned trip). I slept that week in the master bedroom because the "big" bed has better support for my back. I just sleep better on it.
> 
> ...



IMHO...

I would agree that the issue you both have is far deeper for her than you let on. To the extent that in essence you have BOTH agreed to an in home separation... 

What I read from her reaction about your invasion of her sanctuary is that she PERCEIVES that you do not respect her. This event could very well be the cumlative effect of how your marriage has been happening before. Look upon the major past events in your marriage, have they been explored, discussed, a solution created with BOTH of you with equal voice and equally heard? Do you respect her thoughts and opinions? Honor her knowledge? All she asked for was a little peaceful corner of the home to find her inner peace and calm. It is very hurtful that you don't see, care nor respect her need. If this issue has been going on for 6 months and a solution hasn't yet been found, BOTH of you are being stubborn and childish!... and course she is starting to check out... the issue is going nowhere. I would really recommend MC to help with this. The tone I get from you is that the issues are minimal... however you know to her they are not... but your attitude is that you don't give a flying f%*k about her feelings about them... As a husband would not want to care about your wife's feeling and problems?? 

As for the 'manning up' suggestions... I agree with it in part. Becoming a better human, strengthening your character, and values. However, you know your wife best and can predict an outcome with a bullying demanding approach. I can tell you if any man, and that includes my H, speak to me in such a disrespectful manner would be met with an even worse result than exists now. The roof over your families head is NOT YOURS alone... if you just care about your 'castle' because you pay the mortgage.. how happy would you be all alone in your 'castle'??!! Have you NO ackowledgement on how your FAMILY makes it a home??

A true man is one that has a quiet confident inner strength,and that holds true to himself, HOWEVER even moreso desired is a man that knows how to be compassionate, humble, caring, observant and understanding. 

To the other posters... the OP specifically said "OUR" issues... don't go slamming the wife specifically as HER problem...her crap! obviously THEIR issues are escalating and need help... 

Not LETTING your wife sleep elsewhere in the the house is so incredibly disrespectful! The OP and his W had agreed to separate rooms as personal breathing space... she even moved the Queen bed to the spare room so that the H can sleep better. She offered to take the spare room... HE chose to take it... don't go reversing blame.


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## amanda s. (Sep 24, 2011)

:iagree:

need to get to the real issues here. & i personally think she asked you about another man in the house for a reaction. she must not feel wanted by you & you compliant attitude toward all of this has certainly confirmed her fears, you just don't care. if you do care then take manning up in a different sense, MAN UP & be the husband she needs. figure out the issues & work them out. you need to change yourself & then re-evaluate where you are at. if you put in this extra effort things may change, if not, you are a better person either way & then move on with your life.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Just noticed the other man comment.

Yes, he should not have been compliant to his wife wanting the in house separation. Who knows why she brought up the other man comment. Disresptful off the charts. I think I would give her complete space, but it would not be an in house spearation. Not a believer in separation. I would be discussing divorce quickly. Yes, the issue are way paast who sleeps in what bedroom.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

hurtnohio said:


> Started yelling at me and asking what I would have done if she had allowed another man to sleep in our house ( I would have cared a lot about that one).


It is hard to understand what she meant by this one. In general, if an argument begins to include another man, its time to give her a suitcase instead of another room. It really sounds like she is looking for independance. If so, the marriage is already over anyway.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

hurtnohio said:


> I'm sleeping on the Queen bed now. If she wants to argue about who sleeps where like children do, instead of working through *our real issues*, so be it. I'm not going to lose sleep over it. Literally!


Ohio, already aware that the bed isnt the issue.



hurtnohio said:


> She went nuts! Actually said I had "invaded her sanctuary!" Asked what I would have thought if she had slept in the guest room when I was out of town (I wouldn't have cared). Started yelling at me and asking what I would have done if she had allowed another man to sleep in our house ( I would have cared a lot about that one).



What did you say when she threw the "other man" comment at you. Based on the OP that statement doesnt jive at all, and would seem to be coming from out of no where. Intentionally trying to hurt, redirect arguement?

Seems she has already moved on. Id GTFO, or tell her to.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I went back and read some of your other threads. It sounds like she has many issues and may be BPD.

Have you asked your counselor for advice about her need for a sanctuary, the separate bed stuff and yes her comment about another man? From what I can tell she has some serious issues above and beyond the usual problems we all are challenged by in marriage.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Ohio,
> 
> Your missing the point. Letting your wife sleep in separate rooms is a big mistake. If nothing slaps you in the face more obviously than this about her taking control of the relationship and starting to check out of the marriage....this would be it.
> 
> ...


Totally agree with AlphaOmega here. Take his advice!

Unless you are ok with a Klingon marriage (where FO can take command by out alpha'ing the Captain)


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

It is true that there are deeper problems than the bed here. I'm only just recently discovering my biggest contribution to the problem has been a lack of leadership and an ability to call unreasonable behavior what it is. If you've read my earlier posts, you know that there are some here who believe she is exhibiting signs of borderline personality disorder. And I've always been afraid to confront her odd take on reality because I mistakenly believed I needed to be perfect before I could confront her.

Having said all that, the bed issue has been going on for 6 months, so I'm not sure this is the time to lay down an ultimatum. I am going to bring up the whole issue in MC this week and see what the counselor says. I'm hoping maybe my wife will take it better from the counselor than she did from me. We'll see.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Any time is a good time to protect your boundary. Need some help? Here, I'll start the conversation for you...

"ok. This has gone on long enough. I've been more than patient with you. You told me six months, I begrudgingly gave that to you. So now....here is what we are going to do..."

See simple. Remain calm. Remain focussed. Don't raise your voice. But talk sternly. Like...well...your the captain of the ship. 


Your biggest issue is that you are still afraid of her! What exactly is the worst that can happen if you enforce your boundaries? She moves out. You sleep alone in your bed.


Hmmmm. Sounds like nothing will really change then, will it. But, if it does, who's to say it won't be better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Any time is a good time to protect your boundary. Need some help? Here, I'll start the conversation for you...
> 
> "ok. This has gone on long enough. I've been more than patient with you. You told me six months, I begrudgingly gave that to you. So now....here is what we are going to do..."
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Why have you allowed your wife to kick you out of your bed?

Answer that question and you`ll have some insight about your "real" problems.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't understand how a couple can "work on things" if they won't even share a bed together.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Any time is a good time to protect your boundary. Need some help? Here, I'll start the conversation for you...
> 
> "ok. This has gone on long enough. I've been more than patient with you. You told me six months, I begrudgingly gave that to you. So now....here is what we are going to do..."
> 
> ...


You ARE afraid of your wife. So much so that you are hoping the MC will do your job for you. Set your OWN boundries with her. Be firm, be fair, and be confident. It is the ONLY way.

6 months of playing it weak has obviously not helped your situation at all. Learn from it, change tactics. 

She will likely get worse before she gets better, she will test you, she will escelate, she will do all the things that have worked well for her in the past trying to bully you or intimidate you. DON"T let her.

Remember who you were when you were dating and attracted her. Be that person. Mix in confidence, strength, leadership, and resolve. Don't budge.

And make the alternative a reality. She either invests in the marriage, starts treating you, and acting appropriately. Or if she can't live with these boundries she can leave........ put the onus on her. Now she has and incentive to correct the relationship. And if she won't, all your out is an unhappy person that doesn't value you or the marriage enough to work on it.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I don't understand how a couple can "work on things" if they won't even share a bed together.


Pretty much. IMO, the "other man" comment was an attempt to hurt. Wouldn't read too far into that unless you have other reasons. Get back in your room. If she needs a sanctuary build her a space in the yard for reading and drinking tea or whatever she likes to do.


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## pretty1 (Sep 26, 2011)

DanF said:


> Hmm.
> Why do YOU have to move because SHE has a problem?
> I feel that the Master Bedroom is OUR bedroom. If my wife has a problem sleeping with me, she is free to move.


i like your answer your so cool lol
hot tubs
fireplace hearth


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