# A little bothered?



## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

So here's what happened. On Friday last week, my husband got a call from his frantic mother in the afternoon saying that a verbal spat had broken out between her and some of her relatives. He told me she sounded hysterical and extremely distressed. So we decided to immediately go and visit her. Throughout the way he was quite tensed and worried, and I tried my best to keep him calm. When we reached there (this is a small village where everyone knows everything), he got out of the car and I told him to wait as I parked the car. Some of his relatives were screaming at each other like crazy the main entrance (it was quite scary tbh, they were hurling abuses and one of them even seemed like she was ready to hit someone) and his mother was inside the house. When I got out of the car, he was gone. I got a little anxious as I didn't know any of those people and I thought they might even pick a fight with me. Moreover, he took my phone with him too. I assumed he must have gone inside to his mother, so I rushed inside quickly without making eye contact, praying that none of them would stop me. 

He was indeed inside with his mother and once I was there I decided not to mention this as he was already quite worked up. As it turns out though, this wasn't the first time a fight had broken out among the relatives there and apparently this drama happened once every month. It was his mother's maternal place where had been staying to take care of her father, and her brother didn't seem to like that very much. So after an hour of ugly screaming, we decided to bring her back to her home, along with a few other relatives that she had called to back her up. 

Next day at night, I shared with him how anxious I had felt when he vanished without telling me as the place and the people were very new to me. He said he hadn't intended to leave but that he saw his mother inside the house so he instinctively rushed to make sure that she was okay. I said thats understandable but why would you leave me outside with those crazy relatives, especially since there was a chance that they would start abusing me as well? He said he realizes that he shouldn't have, but it was an impulsive decision.

Even though that was that, this has been bugging me a bit. I am now apprehensive of going there ever again. I did feel a little abandoned and scared. Should I let it go?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Personally I would be a lot more than a little bothered on your behalf. I certainly would not have put my wife into a situation like that.

If I thought it was life threatening I would have called the police. And if life saving measures were required the first thing a First Responder should do is make sure the scene does not present any dangers to others.

Any way I look at it in my book my wife has precedence over anyone but our children.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Aburjwal said:


> I am now apprehensive of going there ever again. I did feel a little abandoned and scared. *Should I let it go?*


YES.

How far was the car from his mom's house?
How many relative were outside "screaming at each other like crazy"?
What made you think that "one of them even seemed like she was ready to hit someone"?
Why are you apprehensive about going there again when nothing bad happened to you, and no one (besides your husband perhaps) did anything to you?
How would not going there again be a solution to the problem of you feeling "abandoned and scared"?
You asked if you should let it go, what does not letting it go look like? What else do you need your husband to do for you to let it go? What would make you feel better?


@Aburjwal, what was your childhood like? The way you assessed this situation and the issue with guests' attire at your wedding, mimic some aspects of my thinking/behavior prior to therapy. Prior to therapy I had serious abandonment/rejection issues that I had no clue about.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Frankly you should have stayed home, nothing could be gained by dragging you into his crazy family drama. But since you were there he should have watched out for you and not left you to fend for yourself.


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> YES.
> 
> @Aburjwal, what was your childhood like? The way you assessed this situation and the issue with guests' attire at your wedding, mimic some aspects of my thinking/behavior prior to therapy. Prior to therapy I had serious abandonment/rejection issues that I had no clue about.



I have massive abandonment/rejection issues. I do realize that they can get triggered by small things too. But the way the situation was unraveling there didn't seem like a trivial thing. 
But I do agree with you. My issues don't make it easier.


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Cooper said:


> *Frankly you should have stayed home*, nothing could be gained by dragging you into his crazy family drama. But sense you were there he should have watched out for you and not left you to fend for yourself.


Yes, I probably should have. Actually I was the one who insisted to go along because he seemed quite upset and I didn't want him to be alone in a situation like that.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Aburjwal said:


> I have massive abandonment/rejection issues. I do realize that they can get triggered by small things too. But the way the situation was unraveling there didn't seem like a trivial thing.
> But I do agree with you. My issues don't make it easier.


I added questions to my post after you had a chance to respond. Do you mind answering:

1. How far was the car from his mom's house?
2. How many relative were outside "screaming at each other like crazy"?
3. What made you think that "one of them even seemed like she was ready to hit someone"?
4. Why are you apprehensive about going there again when nothing bad happened to you, and no one (besides your husband perhaps) did anything to you?
5. How would not going there again be a solution to the problem of you feeling "abandoned and scared"?
6. You asked if you should let it go, what does not letting it go look like? What else do you need your husband to do for you to let it go? What would make you feel better?


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> I added questions to my post after you had a chance to respond. Do you mind answering:
> 
> 1. How far was the car from his mom's house? *It was right in front of the main entrance. *
> 2. How many relative were outside "screaming at each other like crazy"? *Around 5 or 6.*
> ...


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

If you were parking right in front of the house, you don't think that in his haste to make sure his mom was ok that it was reasonable of him to assume that you would be ok taking the few steps from the car to the house on your own?

By deciding to avoid his mom's house, are you really doing that to punish your husband or are you making that decision to address the problem of you feeling "abandoned and a little scared". Is his mom, the house or the community the problem? So how would choosing not to go there address the problem? Are you assuming that every time you go there, you're going to run into an argumentative mob of relatives? So why would you need to be concerned about being "abandoned and a little scared" when you go there again in the future?

I think you're reverting to being a victim in this situation, instead of trying to address the real problem in an adult manner. You felt abandoned because of your husband's actions so focus on his actions. His actions are the trigger, not his mom's house. So you can put the onus on him by asking that "hey when you leave me behind in a place I'm not familiar with, it makes me feel abandoned so I would appreciate if next time you hold my hand/simply wait on me/guide me in first/etc so that I don't have to experience that again" or you can put the onus on yourself and recognize you're prone to feeling abandoned/rejected in normal circumstances and this may just be one of them.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

He shouldn't have gone in without saying, but with the stress / worry about what was going on at his mother's house, he may not have been thinking clearly. I don't see it as his fault, just let him know that you were worried about him with all the yelling.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

It's easy to say what we should've done in hindsight but when stuff is happening we often make bad decisions, so cut him some slack. And have a game plan if this is likely to happen again, and don't hesitate to call the police. They generally prefer to be called before there is any blood.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Next time stay home!

Problem solved.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Aburjwal said:


> So here's what happened. On Friday last week, my husband got a call from his frantic mother in the afternoon saying that a verbal spat had broken out between her and some of her relatives. He told me she sounded hysterical and extremely distressed. So we decided to immediately go and visit her. Throughout the way he was quite tensed and worried, and I tried my best to keep him calm. When we reached there (this is a small village where everyone knows everything), he got out of the car and I told him to wait as I parked the car. Some of his relatives were screaming at each other like crazy the main entrance (it was quite scary tbh, they were hurling abuses and one of them even seemed like she was ready to hit someone) and his mother was inside the house. When I got out of the car, he was gone. I got a little anxious as I didn't know any of those people and I thought they might even pick a fight with me. Moreover, he took my phone with him too. I assumed he must have gone inside to his mother, so I rushed inside quickly without making eye contact, praying that none of them would stop me.
> 
> He was indeed inside with his mother and once I was there I decided not to mention this as he was already quite worked up. As it turns out though, this wasn't the first time a fight had broken out among the relatives there and apparently this drama happened once every month. It was his mother's maternal place where had been staying to take care of her father, and her brother didn't seem to like that very much. So after an hour of ugly screaming, we decided to bring her back to her home, along with a few other relatives that she had called to back her up.
> 
> ...


I would certainly counsel you to never go there again, and I'm honestly not sure why your husband would either. If his family is so immature and volatile that they get into screaming matches every month, then they can do it without his or your help. You don't have any need for that kind of drama. They can behave like psychopathic 8 year olds all by themselves.


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> If you were parking right in front of the house, you don't think that in his haste to make sure his mom was ok that it was reasonable of him to assume that you would be ok taking the few steps from the car to the house on your own?
> 
> By deciding to avoid his mom's house, are you really doing that to punish your husband or are you making that decision to address the problem of you feeling "abandoned and a little scared". Is his mom, the house or the community the problem? So how would choosing not to go there address the problem? Are you assuming that every time you go there, you're going to run into an argumentative mob of relatives? So why would you need to be concerned about being "abandoned and a little scared" when you go there again in the future?
> 
> I think you're reverting to being a victim in this situation, instead of trying to address the real problem in an adult manner. You felt abandoned because of your husband's actions so focus on his actions. His actions are the trigger, not his mom's house. So you can put the onus on him by asking that "hey when you leave me behind in a place I'm not familiar with, it makes me feel abandoned so I would appreciate if next time you hold my hand/simply wait on me/guide me in first/etc so that I don't have to experience that again" or you can put the onus on yourself and recognize you're prone to feeling abandoned/rejected in normal circumstances and this may just be one of them.


While I agree with you're saying, I think you calling it 'normal circumstances' is a bit too much. It wasn't normal by any measure. Anyone else might not have felt rejected/abandoned, but definitely scared and anxious.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Aburjwal said:


> While I agree with you're saying, I think you calling it 'normal circumstances' is a bit too much. It wasn't normal by any measure. Anyone else might not have felt rejected/abandoned, but definitely scared and anxious.


What I'm referring to as normal, is your husband's behavior. He got caught up in the moment and left you to walk the few steps to the house on your own, that is not as outrageous as you would like to believe.

I also think that it is normal to feel a bit of anxiety in a situation like that if you're the party being left behind. Anxiety yes but not the feeling of abandonment that you're still struggling with and having difficulty letting this situation go. 

Understand that my rejection/abandonment issues are to the point that I would have a panic attack if I woke up at night and my partner wasn't in bed next to me. It didn't matter if he had just gone up to get a glass of water, all my brain registered was that he left me. It would be difficult for me to get past those horrible feelings even though I recognized he had simply gotten up to do something. I realize now that I had difficulty getting over situations that triggered my abandonment issues because I needed so much validation. I needed my partner to apologize profusely, I needed him to feel bad for making me feel that way and verbalize that what he did was so wrong, I needed him to promise never to do it again etc. etc. Does any of that sound familiar?

All I'm asking is that you take some ownership of your feelings and recognize that your abandonment issues may be exacerbating your emotional response to the situation. You know your husband better than any of us, has he not shown you that he loves you/that he doesn't like to see you hurt/that he would not let others hurt you/that he wants to protect you/that he will do what he can to make you happy? Your husband knows his relatives, do you really think he would leave you behind knowing there was a possibility you could get assaulted? Is that really the kind of uncaring/unprotective person your husband is? 

Did he not admit that he was wrong in the situation? Did you explain to him that you need more than that to feel better about the situation? Did you explain to him what he could do so you could feel better? If you do decide never to go there again, please be open with your husband and share this with him now and explain to him exactly why.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Its impossible to know every angle... but your husband could have thought your mom was in danger and rushed off... verses you in a car that could just drive around the block to safety....


Very good advice:



Keke24 said:


> I think you're reverting to being a victim in this situation, instead of trying to address the real problem in an adult manner. You felt abandoned because of your husband's actions so focus on his actions. His actions are the trigger, not his mom's house. So you can put the onus on him by asking that "hey when you leave me behind in a place I'm not familiar with, it makes me feel abandoned so I would appreciate if next time you hold my hand/simply wait on me/guide me in first/etc so that I don't have to experience that again" or you can put the onus on yourself and recognize you're prone to feeling abandoned/rejected in normal circumstances and this may just be one of them.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Definitely let it go. It sounds like an argument got blown up to epic proportions and he wanted to make sure his mom was okay. I'm sure he wasn't trying to abandon you, and it seems silly to make that situation about yourself when you had nothing to do with it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Tell him conversationally once, then it's over. If it happens other places prior to and since, then it's an issue.

This may have been in poor taste, inconsiderate, a bit weird but it may just fall into the whoops that was stupid, shouldn't have done that, category for him.

But a H should put his W first no matter what if no issues in marriage.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

If we're there to check up on mama, then that's what we do. We direct our attention and effort directly and efficiently to that end. That means, if mama's inside, that's where we go. My wife would not have any doubt as to exactly where I was going and how quickly I'd get there. She would not need me, or anyone else, to tell her I was going inside. 

In the absence of any as yet undisclosed information, it's as simple as that.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Yes, let it go. Geesh...


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

I'd say it would be best to try and be understanding this time and to let it go. Try to kick the thought out of your head every time you want to replay it in your mind because that probably gets you upset again. Try to deliberately think of something else any time you want to think of this event. 

Since you said you are aware it was instinctual, he was just running to help his mother and since he has apologized for it and stated it wasn't intentional I'd let it go.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

This is such a non-issue.

If this situation was* THAT* big of a deal for you, I can't even _imagine_ what you'd put this poor man through for something you deem an even bigger 'sin' than this one supposedly was.

Stop sweating the small stuff.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BioFury said:


> I would certainly counsel you to never go there again, and I'm honestly not sure why your husband would either. If his family is so immature and volatile that they get into screaming matches every month, then they can do it without his or your help. You don't have any need for that kind of drama. They can behave like psychopathic 8 year olds all by themselves.


 I cant believe that grown adults would behave like this. What are they, 6?

Otherwise, why couldn't you just lock the car door and wait?


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