# Confronted the Singer



## Girl Gone (Jul 28, 2016)

I’ve posted here previously, under another name. My old one no longer works. 

A month or so ago my husband posted here, said things about me that were untrue and I responded. 

He has since moved into an apartment. 

Here’s the issue...he’s in several bands, the one has a female lead singer. I didn’t trust her from the moment I met her. Just a few weeks into his joining the band, she called him late at night, drunk. This happened several times. Then, one night I came home early from an event and found her at my house, in the dark yard, with my DH, but no band, just her. She also gives him gifts. 

Even though I had requested that my DH wait on the apartment until I returned from a business trip, and he agreed to it, just before I left he informed me that he had signed a year lease. 

One week into the move, he starts talking about internet dating. He sends me pictures of all the new things he’s purchased for his apartment. I even shopped for him because I couldn’t stand him not having nice things like he did at home.

I told him I suspected this singer has a thing for him but he denied it. On Friday, I’m driving out of state and he calls me to say that my feelings were unfounded, that she just called to see if he would like to date her friend. We’ve been separated 3 weeks. 

So I researched her friend list on social media. We have two children still in the home and they are with him this weekend. This singer is a drunk and knee jerks her very immature actions...things he complains about. The friends ... pretty much an unsavory lot I don’t want around my children.

So I’m pm’ed her...telling her, politely, no bad words, that we are separated, not divorced, to know the difference and her place, which isn’t in my marriage. 

She went off the deep end, fired the DH from the not very good, no money making, very few gigs band. 

Now he’s mad at me...I told him I have every right and responsibility to protect my family, which still includes him. We are STILL married. 

I didn’t ask or want her to fire hm, and frankly, I’m not sure who made her boss of the band, she’s pretty no talent. My DH was THE band talent. He’s still in two other bands. 

Yes, that’s 3 bands...but that’s another story. 

I have read on here to confront the OW...I think she is whether he believes it or not. 

What else could I do? I think her over the top reaction tells me everything I need to know.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Girl Gone said:


> What else could I do? I think her over the top reaction tells me everything I need to know.


Yes, I think you know everything you need to know. 

However my advice in this situation is not going to be glamorous and sexy. I'm not going to tell you to hunt her down and roll around in the dirt hairpulling with her or throwing your shoes at them both on stage of the Jerry Springer Show. 

My advice is going to be very unsexy and not dramatic and not fun or anything worthy of getting lots of back-slaps and "you-go-girl!s" on Facebook. 

My advice is see a lawyer as soon as you can Monday and start protecting your assets and properties and contact with your children and start getting your legal and financial ducks in a row in case decides to drain all the accounts, put the properties up for sale and run off with this chick. 

The time for shoe-throwing and fights in the mud have passed and it's time to adult and get your legal and financial affairs (no pun intended) in order. 

I'm not necessarily saying that you have to file and push a divorce through immediately per se. But what I am saying is you need to face facts and secure legal counsel and at least start finding out what your legal and financial rights and responsibilities are and start making a game plan for eventual divorce. 

This whole situation is spiraling downward rapidly and the time for drama and glamor have passed and it is time to adult and get your legal and financial affairs in order.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

he is either lying to you or he is the most dense person on earth...you have every right to stake your claim on your marriage regardless of the status and also your husband needs to grow up.


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## Girl Gone (Jul 28, 2016)

I’m not going to be chick fighting anytime soon. I responded with words. That’s the extent of my aggression.

Everything was very civil until this point.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Girl Gone said:


> I’m not going to be chick fighting anytime soon. I responded with words. That’s the extent of my aggression.


Yeah, I get that. 

My point is what you really need to be focusing on at this point is getting legal counsel and getting your legal and financial ducks in a row. 

That part isn't as sexy and glamorous or dramatic as confronting other women or fighting with your potentially STBX.


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## Girl Gone (Jul 28, 2016)

The really sad thing is this...today is our 40th Anniversary. He’s more concerned about that band than he is the marriage.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Girl Gone said:


> The really sad thing is this...today is our 40th Anniversary. He’s more concerned about that band than he is the marriage.


 So what do you want to happen in regards to the future of your marriage? From hubby's story you stated you no longer loved him.
What was your previous user name?


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## Girl Gone (Jul 28, 2016)

My exact words were “I don’t love you like a wife should love her husband”...I didn’t say that I no longer loved him at all.

When we had that conversation...he started off with “I’ve been thinking about getting an apartment”...I didn’t ask, suggest, or demand he do so. He blindsided me and I reacted. 

What do I want? I at least want the process to play out without interference from a 3rd party. 

A dissolution is shorter than a divorce. I think he can wait that long before hitting up the dating sites.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Girl Gone said:


> My exact words were “I don’t love you like a wife should love her husband”...I didn’t say that I no longer loved him at all.
> 
> When we had that conversation...he started off with “I’ve been thinking about getting an apartment”...I didn’t ask, suggest, or demand he do so. He blindsided me and I reacted.
> 
> ...


I understand where you are coming from and I'm not saying that you are wrong in thinking that. In a perfect world it would be great if people could play out the process without any 3rd party involvement and there would even be times that people may be even able to reflect back and decide to try to give the marriage a fighting chance without being influenced by the hormones and their desires for someone else. 

I do get that and think that is how it should be. 

But that often isn't the reality and another reality is that if there is 3rd party influence, then there really is no chance at a happy and healthy lasting reconciliation and the best chance for survival and sanity is to pull the ejection handle and bail out as quickly and efficiently as you can. 

Someone has to be the adult here and take care of the business matters. It may suck for that to be you but if some 60 year old guy is running around trying to play rock star and hooking up with groupies and stuff, I don't have much faith in him being the grown up.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Am I wrong in thinking that when you “separate” From your life partner, that both parties are free to do with their lives as they want? If not then why separate in the first place?

I believe that when separated, it isn’t any of your business what the other party is engaged in. If they do something that is so horrendous to you, then there’s your answer...let it go. Wasn’t that the point in the first place? 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

What was your posting name?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Girl Gone said:


> My exact words were “I don’t love you like a wife should love her husband”...I didn’t say that I no longer loved him at all.


To a man, that is saying the same thing. There is no other "kind" of love which matters. He is not looking for motherly love, altruistic love, etc. 



Girl Gone said:


> He’s more concerned about that band than he is the marriage.


I think, given what I read here ? I would be, too.



Girl Gone said:


> He has since moved into an apartment.


Sounds like, to me, it's all over.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sounds like you no longer love him like a wife should. Do you want to work on that with him? Does he? If not, then let him go.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You've been married 40 years... and you state you don't want her around your "children". How old are these "children"?

Your children may actually be adults... who can decide for themselves.

And your H is likely doing whatever he chooses - since the separation started when he moved out - and after you told him you don't love him like a wife should.

After telling him that - what did you expect him to do? Jump up and down that you don't love him?

No, he took control of his future. Now you think you can tell other women to stay away - well it doesn't work like that - hecan and will do what he wants.

You may not like it - but that was his intent when he moved - to do what he wants and to find someone who actually loves him... especially since YOU made it clear that wasn't you.

You got what you asked for - now you don't like it...why?

When you ignore and mistreat people - they go away...why are you surprised he went away? Maybe he has some self respect, eh?


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## Girl Gone (Jul 28, 2016)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Am I wrong in thinking that when you “separate” From your life partner, that both parties are free to do with their lives as they want? If not then why separate in the first place?
> 
> I believe that when separated, it isn’t any of your business what the other party is engaged in. If they do something that is so horrendous to you, then there’s your answer...let it go. Wasn’t that the point in the first place?
> 
> ...


Once divorced, we are still married


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## Girl Gone (Jul 28, 2016)

Beach123 said:


> You've been married 40 years... and you state you don't want her around your "children". How old are these "children"?
> 
> Your children may actually be adults... who can decide for themselves.
> 
> ...


We have two grown children but our adopted children are still in high school

I did not ask him to move out. In fact, I asked him to wait so we could talk when we weren’t emotional. That same thing about ignoring and mistreatment could be said for me. Maybe I should have left a long time ago. But I made a commitment and had children. I grew up in foster care...a real family was something I always wanted.


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## Girl Gone (Jul 28, 2016)

Lostinthought61 said:


> he is either lying to you or he is the most dense person on earth...you have every right to stake your claim on your marriage regardless of the status and also your husband needs to grow up.


I don’t think he’s lying, he’s just easily fooled by this woman.


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## Girl Gone (Jul 28, 2016)

TJW said:


> To a man, that is saying the same thing. There is no other "kind" of love which matters. He is not looking for motherly love, altruistic love, etc.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


We needed to have a conversation about that...last year he told me I didn’t turn him on anymore...that kind of stunts romantic love. But I do love him. I care about his welfare. A lot of things have happened to us over the years. We didn’t talk when we should have until things blew up.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Girl Gone said:


> Once divorced, we are still married


According to the courthouse you are still married, but for all practical purposes you are two separate individuals that just need to work out the separation agreement and submit the proper paperwork. 

The "marriage" is essentially over here. Now it's just a matter of getting the paperwork updated with the court.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Girl Gone said:


> he’s just easily fooled by this woman.


Let me help you here.... no, he's not "fooled"... not one bit. He just likes what he gets from her....... even if it's contrived, he doesn't care.... 



Girl Gone said:


> ...last year he told me I didn’t turn him on anymore......that kind of stunts romantic love.
> We needed to have a conversation about that


Well, you can blame him for the problem if you want. But if you want to solve the problem, and save your marriage, 
It's kinda like the old EP song..... "...a little less conversation, and a lot more action...... a little less bite, and a little more bark, a little less fight, and a little more spark...."

There's an old country-music one-liner joke: ".....I haven't spoken to my wife in 5 years.....I just hate to interrupt her...."


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Let it go, let it go, let it goooooooo.....*singing*


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

On Hammond B3 thread, I said I thought your marriage could be saved. Guess I was wrong. It just shows how you can’t really know unless you get both sides of a story. 

My 40 wedding anniversary is next month.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You told him you do t love him like a wife should love him.

To him - that was the end.

Your kids are in high school - almost adults... they can visit with him directly.

You need to get busy planning a new future that doesn't include him... he heard what you said. No one should have to beg others to truly love them.

He deserves someone who loves him thoroughly - and that's likely what he's doing.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Girl Gone said:


> I’ve posted here previously, under another name. My old one no longer works.
> 
> A month or so ago my husband posted here, said things about me that were untrue and I responded.
> 
> ...


You were married to him for most of your life. It is not going to imagine not being Mrs Hammond and you are still living as Mrs Hammond to the best of your abilities.

You do not have to trust her, it is not your business. He is treating you like Mrs Hammond when he sends you pictures of furniture. Lots of people do not have nice things in their home, that is not your business.

I found it hard to get my head round the idea that marriage does take two people. You cannot be married to someone who is not willingly your spouse with all that that entails. This does not reflect on you. 

Do you remember who you were before you were Mrs Hammond?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> You were married to him for most of your life. It is not going to imagine not being Mrs Hammond and you are still living as Mrs Hammond to the best of your abilities.
> 
> You do not have to trust her, it is not your business. He is treating you like Mrs Hammond when he sends you pictures of furniture. Lots of people do not have nice things in their home, that is not your business.
> 
> ...


This is an old thread. Mrs Hammond updated her ex husband's thread recently. 

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/consi...849-she-no-longer-love-me-4.html#post20074017


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