# Friend zone



## struggle (May 13, 2013)

An old friend from high school (friends with an ex actually) and I reconnected after my separation and divorce during 2013-14. We lived in different cities so we talked over phone quite a bit. He was a great friend during that really hard time and we had fun bashing our crappy past relationships.

We had a few discussions about how I was thinking about moving back to the state where my family is, but I wasn't sure because the job market is still pretty bad, but I was ready to advance more in my career. He said his city would probably generate quite a few job leads for me, and offered for me to use his spare room for a couple months until I got on my feet. A few months later I took him up on his offer. 

In the midst of my moving he brought up he thought we got along really well, is it possible there could be more? I told him that we were friends, and I just came out of a bad marriage and I'm not looking for anything. He said ok. After a month of sharing the same household and getting along well we talked about moving into a bigger place together a few months down the road so we would have more room and share bills.

I've been in this new city for two and a half months. I've had to maintain boundaries with him because I could tell he's trying to gain my affection more than a friend. I Keep maintaining that we are friends, I could tell he just felt like he needed to do more. It's not weird and pushy, it's actually sweet and nice of him but I just don't want anything more.

Today we had a major talk because he's noticing my continued distance, I'm trying to be clear about where I stand. I told him I love him as a friend, and I like being roommates but the desire to be more is not there for me.

-Why?
The desire to be more than friends with you is not there for me
-What's wrong with me?
There's nothing wrong with you, it has nothing to do with that
-There has to be
No
-what if I lost 50 lbs?
It has nothing to do with that
-well what are some good qualities about me?
(List 10 things off the top of my head)
-so what are some bad things about me?
It has nothing to do with that
-yes it does
No! You cannot explain love, desire and attraction. It's just there or it's not. I've been here fore 2 months and it's not there for me
-I'm going to lose that 50 lbs, and im going to remember this conversation 
So?

And back and forth. Bottom line. He thinks there's something wrong with him which is why I don't want to be more than friends. He also, apparently, believes Im shallow enough to disregard him because he's overweight and doesn't have a big house. He doesn't believe me no matter what I say. So I just shrugged because what else is there to say. A bit of a hero complex because of all he's done for me with helping me move and introducing me to his friends. It hurt his feelings, which I didn't want but I knew this conversation was going to happen eventually considering his testing of boundaries. He seems hurt, but ok.

I don't understand why he feels like something has to be wrong with him which is why I don't want to date him. That's just stupid to me. I see love and chemistry as unexplainable. I understand it hurts because it's not reciprocated, but why the downing of self? And why insisting that it must be shallow reasons?

I definitely have to make sure he's still ok with being friends before continuing to be roommates.

Thoughts?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

struggle said:


> I definitely have to make sure he's still ok with being friends before continuing to be roommates.


Zero chance of that happening.

Just get out of that situation. It's starting to look like the opening acts of a summer slasher movie.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Friend Zone is a made up thing that men with a sense of entitlement like to complain about when they don't get sex but feel like they should. 

Find your own place and leave him behind. There is no friendship there - just him being nice hoping that if he deposits enough Nice Coins into you, Sex will tumble out.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

No - you simply need to move out. 

Anything else is taking advantage of this situation. And he will not be able to move on while living with you. 

And you will eventually crush him when you DO meet someone and sleep with them. 





struggle said:


> An old friend from high school (friends with an ex actually) and I reconnected after my separation and divorce during 2013-14. We lived in different cities so we talked over phone quite a bit. He was a great friend during that really hard time and we had fun bashing our crappy past relationships.
> 
> We had a few discussions about how I was thinking about moving back to the state where my family is, but I wasn't sure because the job market is still pretty bad, but I was ready to advance more in my career. He said his city would probably generate quite a few job leads for me, and offered for me to use his spare room for a couple months until I got on my feet. A few months later I took him up on his offer.
> 
> ...


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Classic "Nice Guy:" I deserve a relationship and sex from you because I listened to you vent, was a shoulder to cry on, put you up and even want to move into a bigger house with you.

I agree with everyone else: Cut this off NOW and get your own place. This man has a very poor sense of self-worth -- and is a real boundary-buster, too. You TOLD him the desire is not there ... and instead of backing off and respecting that, he's continuing to push. This will turn into a disaster if you don't get out.

And when you do, change your phone number. He might try calling a few times a day for a while.



struggle said:


> An old friend from high school (friends with an ex actually) and I reconnected after my separation and divorce during 2013-14. We lived in different cities so we talked over phone quite a bit. He was a great friend during that really hard time and we had fun bashing our crappy past relationships.
> 
> We had a few discussions about how I was thinking about moving back to the state where my family is, but I wasn't sure because the job market is still pretty bad, but I was ready to advance more in my career. He said his city would probably generate quite a few job leads for me, and offered for me to use his spare room for a couple months until I got on my feet. A few months later I took him up on his offer.
> 
> ...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

struggle said:


> An old friend from high school (friends with an ex actually) and I reconnected after my separation and divorce during 2013-14. We lived in different cities so we talked over phone quite a bit. He was a great friend during that really hard time and we had fun bashing our crappy past relationships.
> 
> We had a few discussions about how I was thinking about moving back to the state where my family is, but I wasn't sure because the job market is still pretty bad, but I was ready to advance more in my career. He said his city would probably generate quite a few job leads for me, and offered for me to use his spare room for a couple months until I got on my feet. A few months later I took him up on his offer.
> 
> ...


Get your own place.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Struggle, if you were in a better place in your life, is he someone who you would consider dating? Is it only your circumstance that keeps you from pursuing a relationship with him?


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I am going to repeat what others have said & tell you that you need to move out sooner rather than later. This guys sounds like he developed feelings for you while you guys chatted it up over the phone for those months. He knew all along that he was going to try & pursue a relationship with you, why else would he offer to let you stay in his place until you got on your feet? He wanted to be your knight in shining armor so he could sweep you off your feet. What he wasn't counting on was you resisting his advances.

Do you have a job yet? Can you afford living on your own now? If not, start saving ALL of your nickels & dimes to move out as soon as you possibly can.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Your thread is reason #5324232 why men and women can't really be friends.

Sure "you are friends on the surface" but deep inside he wants you.....and you already know it......yet you still think this is some kind of a friendship?

Most men (not all) will not even talk to a women without attraction.....

The issue right now is WITH YOU. You still think this guy is your "friend" even though he only has one goal/intention....and that is not friendship.

RECOGNIZE this person and no, he is NOT your friend.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

sunvalley said:


> Classic "Nice Guy:" I deserve a relationship and sex from you because I listened to you vent, was a shoulder to cry on, put you up and even want to move into a bigger house with you.





vms said:


> Friend Zone is a made up thing that men with a sense of entitlement like to complain about when they don't get sex but feel like they should.


Odd. This thread isn't even a page long and we have TWO posts to this effect. At WORST this is an awkward, lovestruck man uncomfortably letting a woman know he wants her in the only way he knows how. And two posters use this example to bash all men?

If anything, if you just can't take this for what it is and need to put a spin on it, I'd spin it as a conniving woman needing the financial and emotional support of a man willing to provide it and using his crush on her to her advantage.

For the record, I DON'T see it as that. But I also don't see it as the entire patriarchy scheming to get into women's pants by holding financial assistance over their heads. Let's just leave it at what it is and give advice.

Speaking of which, one last thought from the macho man: This was an education in that I always presumed women DIDN'T know that their OS friends want to screw them which is why they want to be friends. This is a sightly different spin in that the woman knows he wants to screw her and chooses to remain friends. Albeit with the mistaken presumption that he will alter his attraction to her. He will not. Of that I have zero doubt. Now, if you believe me on that statement, OP, do you still want to be roomies and friends with him?


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## Binji (Jun 25, 2014)

vms said:


> Friend Zone is a made up thing that men with a sense of entitlement like to complain about when they don't get sex but feel like they should.
> 
> Find your own place and leave him behind. There is no friendship there - just him being nice hoping that if he deposits enough Nice Coins into you, Sex will tumble out.


Yeah but she knew he always wanted the goods. She threw out the pu$$y like a fishing rod…. knew he was easy bait, got him to fork up some dough and help her out…All the while knowing she was never going to give the goods up. Things got too real and now she can't take it. She knew what she was doing and now is trying to flip the script on the man like the man is going crazy.

A respectable woman doesn't pull moves like this. I hope we teach our daughters not to take advantage of men or things can turn bad. She has no one but herself to blame. She knew this man wasn't helping her out of the goodness of her heart. The man went into his trick bag, trying to catch her heart. When he couldn't take it any more, and told her his actual feelings, he went into desperation mode, and laid it all out on the table. He thought for sure he was going to get a taste, and when he finds out he has no chance…He went crazy.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

No one said "all men." We are talking about THIS man and the "Friend Zone" BS that's pretty damn rampant these days. Are you not familiar with it? 

http://www.buzzfeed.com/krystieyandoli/why-the-friend-zone-is-actually-dangerous-for-women?s=mobile


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Binji said:


> Yeah but she knew he always wanted the goods. She threw out the pu$$y like a fishing rod…. knew he was easy bait, got him to fork up some dough and help her out…All the while knowing she was never going to give the goods up. Things got too real and now she can't take it. She knew what she was doing and now is trying to flip the script on the man like the man is going crazy.
> 
> A respectable woman doesn't pull moves like this. I hope we teach our daughters not to take advantage of men or things can turn bad. She has no one but herself to blame. She knew this man wasn't helping her out of the goodness of her heart. The man went into his trick bag, trying to catch her heart. When he couldn't take it any more, and told her his actual feelings, he went into desperation mode, and laid it all out on the table. He thought for sure he was going to get a taste, and when he finds out he has no chance…He went crazy.


Like hell she did. She told him there was nothing there. 

Her only mistake here was having him as a roommate. If he's so butt hurt that he was rejected, and won't stop badgering her to be with him, then just what kind of upstanding man is he? 

Answer: HE ISN'T. 

If this woman was your daughter, I doubt you'd tell her what you've said here. Or actually now I see that you would. That's... Well I have no nice words for that. "Put out for any man nice to you, don't be a friend, always make sure you sleep with them if that's what they want! You're only allowed female friends. Men you must put out for."


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

vms said:


> Like hell she did. She told him there was nothing there.
> 
> Her only mistake here was having him as a roommate. If he's so butt hurt that he was rejected, and won't stop badgering her to be with him, then just what kind of upstanding man is he?
> 
> Answer: HE ISN'T.


I agree with VMS, the OP didn't lead the man on. He lead himself on, he donned his _Captain Save-A-Chick_ hat & thought that would do the trick. NOT! What's unfortunate is that now the OP is uncomfortable in her current residence.


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## Binji (Jun 25, 2014)

vms said:


> Like hell she did. She told him there was nothing there.
> 
> Her only mistake here was having him as a roommate. If he's so butt hurt that he was rejected, and won't stop badgering her to be with him, then just what kind of upstanding man is he?
> 
> ...


When did she tell him there was nothing there?…After he spent all his money or before? Regardless, she let a man essentially, take off her off the road, clean her up and put her back on the shelf…knowing this man was trying to get the gold. That's irresponsible behavior. 

When was this man nice?….He was investing his time and money for and eventual sexcapade…they were not friends…Every move he made to help her was him wanting sex…Just because a man gives you something doesn't mean his is nice…Just means he wants something in the future. Now she's in this predicament. 

He certainly was a gullible mark, but lets not act like she's this innocent lamb.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

One - He really should loose 50 pounds and get fit and whatever else he needs to do to be attractive.
Two - you don't get a bigger place for a temporary live in.
Three - if she was my Daughter I'd be asking her what she was thinking moving in with a guy.
Four - Friend Zone is a real situation caused by the persistent belief that men and women can be platonic friends, despite an abundance of evidence to the contrary.

Woof woof Woof


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Binji said:


> When did she tell him there was nothing there?…After he spent all his money or before? Regardless, she let a man essentially, take off her off the road, clean her up and put her back on the shelf…knowing this man was trying to get the gold. That's irresponsible behavior.
> 
> When was this man nice?….He was investing his time and money for and eventual sexcapade…they were not friends…Every move he made to help her was him wanting sex…Just because a man gives you something doesn't mean his is nice…Just means he wants something in the future. Now she's in this predicament.
> 
> He certainly was a gullible mark, but lets not act like she's this innocent lamb.


Did you actually read the OP?

You sound as entitled as this guy is. "I was nice. SLEEP WITH ME. I DESERVE IT. NO? WELL WAAAAAAAAH. BUT I'M A NICE GUY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I WAS NICE, WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME? YOU OWE ME SEX!"

Disgusting.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Hey everyone. Thanks for your responses.

1. If I was in a different place in my life, no, I would not be interested. Just plain not my type for romance. Friend wise he is awesome, always has been. Our relationship has always been friendship (I mean we met each other through my ex, it's been respectful). It wasn't until I was in the middle of my move (aka notice in at my job and halfway packed) that he asked if there was the possibility of more. In which my answer was no, I just got divorced.

2. I didn't take any money from him. He didn't help me financially with my move at all. The only thing was in his initial offer for me to move out there was he wouldn't charge me rent for a couple months to help me get on my feet (he said some friends did the same for him when he moved there, so basically paying it forward). He said he didn't mind, he's been covering the rent there for years. That was the initial plan, it wasn't until later that we talked about moving into a bigger place for more space. Which has now caused me a huge headache (explained in a min). But again, I paid for everything with my move. I also brought a lot of nice stuff with me, he was living like a bachelor and the place looks a lot better. I also had a new job within a week of moving. I offered to help pay for bills a week and a half ago and he refused. I've been sharing grocery bills the entire time. 

3. I never, at any time, led him on. I've always been honest with him. I never walked around in my underwear, never teased him, never lied or made false promises. I've been as straight and kind as I could be. The problem is that he doesn't HEAR. If I say, no I'm not interested I just got divorced...he hears.....no, I just got divorced so I'm doing my thing right now but maybe if you prove it to me I will change my mind in the future. Which I didn't realize until I actually moved out there. He was not hearing NO. He's hearing maybe. And that really pisses me off. So our conversation last night was basically me saying 'no- never-ever'. Which you can't be more clear than no-never. But then my being clear and straightforward goes into.....well what's wrong with me? I'm not good enough for you? That's what it is I don't care what you say. 
w...t....f?

4. Which basically goes into the next topic which is, was it ever an actual friendship? Was he just being my friend because he had an ultimate goal. He vehemently denies it. Because I called him out on it this morning. After our conversation last night, I went into my room and he left for hours...apparently taking a long drive. He came back later, which I was asleep and text me and said well since we're "buddies" I want you to pay half the rent and half the bills. I woke up to that and I was flaming mad. He had the nerve to act like I was taking advantage of him or something, when I JUST offered to pay a week and a half ago. Oh f*ck that, I'm no mooch. An argument ensued when I jumped out of bed because he started talking to me through the door. I told him I never had any problem paying, I'll pay and then I'm out. I'll be out of his hair. You know what his response was???? So now that your free ride is over you're out?? I couldn't believe it. The offer given just a week and a half ago was forgotten, and now I'm a freeloader. I called his bullsh*t and said I would never have any problem, it's not about the money, it's the fact he's texting me hours after this conversation, and has flipped the switch and when I talk about moving out he's accusing me of taking a free ride. "Oh...so now you're abandoning me like everyone else. You just told me a few hours ago that you cared for me like a friend and now you want to leave. That's fine, I'll be fine. Just like everyone else. I know you don't believe me, you've been f*cked over by all the other guys in your life, but I'm not them. I care, I'm here. You're going to change all our plans now and abandon me."

In the end we both apologized for the argument, I was tired of arguing at that point I just wanted a rest, but my heart is still really heavy. I feel like there never was a friendship, although he denies it.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

struggle said:


> 4. Which basically goes into the next topic which is, was it ever an actual friendship? Was he just being my friend because he had an ultimate goal.


Yes, no, not exactly, it's complicated 

I don't think he offered to help with the sole purpose of starting a relationship. Rather, he's a Nice Guy (tm) who tries to get approval from women by doing nice things for them. His actions don't even have to make sense. He might help a woman move into her boyfriend's house and even help them fix it up in an effort to gain more approval from her.

If you care about him, you should move on. He'll never be "just friends" with you. He'll always be carrying a torch for you. It's not that you're leading him on or anything. It's that he has an irrational hope that you'll get together. You don't have to be rude about it, but you should become more and more unavailable. You should definitely move out as soon as you can.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The sad thing is - I don't expect you will stick around here very long. 

Sad because - you need help. 

Like many folks you came here mostly for validation. When you don't get it....








struggle said:


> Hey everyone. Thanks for your responses.
> 
> 1. If I was in a different place in my life, no, I would not be interested. Just plain not my type for romance. Friend wise he is awesome, always has been. Our relationship has always been friendship (I mean we met each other through my ex, it's been respectful). It wasn't until I was in the middle of my move (aka notice in at my job and halfway packed) that he asked if there was the possibility of more. In which my answer was no, I just got divorced.
> 
> ...


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Um, yeah, you need to be moving out like yesterday. 

The fact is, you thought the two of you were friends, but his friendship actually had a price tag attached. He thinks you owe him. He wasn't being kind to you out of friendship, he was being nice to you so you'd then owe him a relationship. It was a covert contract on his part.

Move out. Quickly, cleanly, and with as little future interaction with him as possible.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

struggle said:


> No! You cannot explain love, desire and attraction. It's just there or it's not.


 He can say the same exact thing to you in explaining why he is in love with you, which is why he was not and cannot be just friends with you.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

struggle said:


> You just told me a few hours ago that you cared for me like a friend and now you want to leave. That's fine, I'll be fine. Just like everyone else. I know you don't believe me, you've been f*cked over by all the other guys in your life, but I'm not them. I care, I'm here. You're going to change all our plans now and abandon me."


 His statement above only shows that he has done this before with other women. He has a broken courting process where he believes that he can falsely claim that he is seeking just friendship to get them to drop their guard, and then nice them into falling in love with him. It did not work on other women, and it did not work on you, because deceiving someone about your real intent is not a good way to get them to fall in love with you. He does not understand why this does not work because what he feels for you is not a healthy adult feeling.


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## Binji (Jun 25, 2014)

vms said:


> Did you actually read the OP?
> 
> You sound as entitled as this guy is. "I was nice. SLEEP WITH ME. I DESERVE IT. NO? WELL WAAAAAAAAH. BUT I'M A NICE GUY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I WAS NICE, WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME? YOU OWE ME SEX!"
> 
> Disgusting.


Did you actually read my posts?…When did I say he was a nice guy?….But you're falling for the tricks thinking she was playing an innocent role…You honestly believe that all along he just wanted to be just "friends" with her? She "reconnected" with him. She knew he was a mark that will drop his (expensive) raincoat for some potential meat. What was she doing reconnecting with a man after a divorce?…In what world is an ex's friend "just a friend"?

This should be a lesson to all women…Men don't do things like help move and pay rent out of the goodness of their heart. She should be old enough to know the potential outcomes and dangers to these type of situations. 

I'm not justifying his actions, I'm just not one of these naive guys who believe this woman was little lamb chops being friendly.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Sorry to bust your bubble, but we were friends for years, regardless of the avenue we met. Life, relationships/marriage and being in two separate states is what caused our contact to dwindle, although we were friends on FB. 

I've never been dependent on any man. I've always worked, I've always held my own, and I've always survived.

I don't think I should be ashamed of reconnecting with a friend after a terrible life circumstance like divorce, whether male or female. Just because they have a d*ck doesn't mean I'm looking for a piece....or a wallet. And quite sexist to say so.

I did believe that straight male/female could be friends. I've known a couple in my life. Of course, I do tend to find some excellent liars and actors. And he is starting proving me wrong.

Lots of time was involved before making the decision I did. I didn't gung-ho the minute the offer came out on the table. I also found a job right away, through my OWN connections. 

If you think my sole purpose of talking to him was to somehow lie and manipulate, and to get some imaginary money you seem to think he has, you're dead wrong. I could move out tomorrow if I had to, and I'll even offer to pay him back-rent. But it's not the money. It's the fact that he was putting himself out to me like a FRIEND this entire time. And now he's putting his abandonment issues on me because I don't want to be more. I love my friends, if I didn't care I would've moved out already. I'm struggling because I do consider him a friend. But I'm not trying to stick around just because I feel guilty....that sounds like a terrible idea.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Don't listen to the men and women cannot be platonic friends crap. I was in a room mate situation with 3 guys. We were room mates. Period. We'd go out to the pub together, watch football. Friends.

This guy is not just a nice guy, but a Nice Guy. He doesn't even see you. You are just a tool to get a woman. Not YOU but a woman. Out the door!


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

Note: Reason 9999 to set expectations early. On both sides. Enforce the rule: A female friend is a buddy, not one she complain to about relationships etc. Set rules on both sides.

Mental note: Friend zones is bad too.

Ive had friends in college who had female friends spew about the bad boys that do the pump and dump over and over. 

Why cant all bad boys be sensitive and listen at the same time?: Answer. Both men in the world who are this are taken long ago. Bad boy means something. Just like porn star virgins for men... Both women who are this are taken.

BTW he should lose 50 lbs. regardless. Kind of sounds like a stalker. Run.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

I've been really thinking the past few days, if there was anything I did that I could have done differently. And I'm by no means perfect, but I really feel like I was completely honest the entire time, and that may what brought the trouble. Maybe I just should've been a little mean and said never-ever-ever as soon as he brought it up. Instead of, I want to go into this as friends and nothing else, I just got divorced I want my freedom.

That's really not my personality, I care about people's feelings, but everyone is so different maybe setting rock hard boundaries is the way to go. I mean, I know he heard me anyways. The first time I went out and visited just before moving nosy people were asking if we were together, he'd say no we're buddies. So I don't know what prompted the change.

Anyways, I told him I wanted to move out. He got angry and started saying I was abandoning our plans, whatever I want to think to help me sleep at night, and he just but a $3k projector in anticipation of the new place. I pretty much stared at him incredulously. So I had to reiterate all that's transpired since my move, and how I now felt. He calmed down and then apologized....a lot. He asked me to stay just a while longer, he said he's been an ******* and he wants to repair our friendship. Whatever I decide is fine, just don't walk out that door with tears in my eyes, please. Give him a chance to be a friend, please. I said ok, but no promises at the end of what I decide. Oh, and that $3k projector he decided to throw in my face ended up only costing him $350 because of an inside deal he got. That actually really makes me mad, I feel like he lied in his moment of anger.

The next days were ok, he went and saw a therapist, which was a condition after our first tiff when he was trying to bust boundaries and I told him to back the f*** off. He came home and said he liked her, and maybe she could help him. I said I was happy for him. He then proceeded to talk to me for 3 and a half HOURS about himself, his past (some I already knew some I didnt) and finally ended with an im sorry I didn't bring you here and hide things from you, I push people away because I feel like if they know the real me they won't like me anyways, etc etc. so I'm not sure if that had anything to do with anything he was doing to me, but apparently he feels like it does. Or it's probably a bigger problem than the one I was served, not sure. And holy crap, three hours of nonstop talking on one side.....


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

You're only enabling his behavior by staying there. He's still getting what he wants. You really do need to move out ASAP.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

vms said:


> You're only enabling his behavior by staying there. He's still getting what he wants. You really do need to move out ASAP.


Please do this. Seriously... YOU. ARE. NOT. SAFE. THERE.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

struggle said:


> An old friend from high school (friends with an ex actually) and I reconnected after my separation and divorce during 2013-14. We lived in different cities so we talked over phone quite a bit. He was a great friend during that really hard time and we had fun bashing our crappy past relationships.
> 
> We had a few discussions about how I was thinking about moving back to the state where my family is, but I wasn't sure because the job market is still pretty bad, but I was ready to advance more in my career. He said his city would probably generate quite a few job leads for me, and offered for me to use his spare room for a couple months until I got on my feet. A few months later I took him up on his offer.
> 
> ...


Low self esteem.

This isn't going to go away. Find a new roommate before it gets really weird. It's already weird that he can't take no for an answer but maybe deep down you find it flattering?

good luck


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

I'm working on getting my own place. I actually find it the opposite of flattering I find it stressful...and sad. I'm not some hapless nilly that just needs attention, or a rescuer. Im ok by myself. A bit naive, probably. But part of my life's struggle has always been seeing the best in people, and giving them multiple chances and benefits of the doubt, usually resulting in disappointment. I'm better about it than I was before but am I the Chuck Norris of life? Nope, not really.

I know I put the bad stuff about him out there on this thread because I was trying to get opinions about the situation. He and I were (are?) friends. At least I thought so. He's funny (most of the time), laid back, good hearted, and we grew up in pretty much the same town, etc. Heck, I've been witness (and ambulance) to a majority of the major physical injuries in his life. I guess what I'm trying to say is that something changed, and I was really not expecting it.

I do a lot of thinking, I probably overthink, but it's just the way I am. Just a few months ago a friend told me, "I've never met someone as observant and thoughtful as you, it's actually kind of scary (haha)". So please forgive my over-analyzing. 

In retrospect the following must be true;
1. He had much different expectations of this than I did, despite what I was saying to him. He wanted to play house.
2. He is used to getting his way through manipulation, emotional attention seeking, and passive aggressive moves. Unfortunate for him, it seems he's never met a woman who can recognize all that and not feed into it. Except passive aggressiveness that sh*t pisses me off its like an Olympic feat for me to ignore it. He forgot who he was dealing with apparently.
3. Co-dependent, yes
4. I agree he's got major self esteem issues 
5. He has the emotional maturity of a 15 year old boy. In my head, in review of some conversations, I see a kid poking me, why don't you like me, why don't you like me, why don't you like me, whyyyyyyyyyy

Am I mad, yes. I am still mad. Obviously, because I'm sitting here writing this. I feel hurt. Maybe he thought he could change the game and get away with it. That sucks. 

It's not helping my analytical nature now that I come home to a mopy roommate whose voice has gone down two octaves, barely smiles and is acting just plain depressed. I was looking for a back to normal, but that doesn't seem to be in the direction he's going.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

struggle said:


> I'm working on getting my own place. I actually find it the opposite of flattering I find it stressful...and sad. I'm not some hapless nilly that just needs attention, or a rescuer. Im ok by myself. A bit naive, probably. But part of my life's struggle has always been seeing the best in people, and giving them multiple chances and benefits of the doubt, usually resulting in disappointment. I'm better about it than I was before but am I the Chuck Norris of life? Nope, not really.
> 
> I know I put the bad stuff about him out there on this thread because I was trying to get opinions about the situation. He and I were (are?) friends. At least I thought so. He's funny (most of the time), laid back, good hearted, and we grew up in pretty much the same town, etc. Heck, I've been witness (and ambulance) to a majority of the major physical injuries in his life. I guess what I'm trying to say is that something changed, and I was really not expecting it.
> 
> ...


Men_ and_ women do that. 

I don't think it's going back to normal. He sound like to much of a wimp to leave so do both of yourselves a favor and make the decision for him to leave ASAP.

good luck


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

struggle said:


> ... part of my life's struggle has always been seeing the best in people, and giving them multiple chances and benefits of the doubt, usually resulting in disappointment.


It's a process; I'm still learning it, too. But I've learned to judge people's ACTIONS, not words. This guy is acting like a depressed moody teenager, and has lied to you all along, too. You need to find another place pronto.



struggle said:


> He and I were (are?) friends. At least I thought so.


No, you are not. He is in love with you, and you are not in love with him. At this point, it's beyond friendship for him (and I doubt it ever WAS about friendship in the first place).



struggle said:


> In retrospect the following must be true;
> 1. He had much different expectations of this than I did, despite what I was saying to him. He wanted to play house.
> 2. He is used to getting his way through manipulation, emotional attention seeking, and passive aggressive moves. Unfortunate for him, it seems he's never met a woman who can recognize all that and not feed into it. Except passive aggressiveness that sh*t pisses me off its like an Olympic feat for me to ignore it. He forgot who he was dealing with apparently.
> 3. Co-dependent, yes
> ...


All of this is true. And how he deals with life is his issue, not yours.



struggle said:


> ... I come home to a mopy roommate whose voice has gone down two octaves, barely smiles and is acting just plain depressed. I was looking for a back to normal, but that doesn't seem to be in the direction he's going.


In his defense, he won't be "normal" for a while. He was hoping to start a relationship, and you blew that wall RIGHT the heck down. I'm not saying you were wrong to do so, but that takes a while to recover from - especially for someone like him.

That being said, love and chemistry CANNOT be forced. And that is something he cannot blame YOU for. If he were truly a friend, he would have backed off the moment you said you were not interested.

You're not responsible for his feelings and behavior. You CAN control how you respond to it. But I agree that you need to get out and not talk to this guy again.


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