# He filed for D, but hasn't served me yet. Can I change his mind?



## ahm239697 (Apr 9, 2014)

For back story please see my thread "help!!! I don't know what to do!" on 6/3/14

This Friday my husband (together 22 years/married 9) told me he filed for divorce. He hasn't as of yet given me the papers (although I saw them in his closet - I put his laundry away). It wasn't a shock but it still hurt. He told me that I would be taken care of. I don't have to move out until I am ready. He will assume all expenses pertaining to our child. He said he still loves me and that I will always be his best friend. But that there is no romance left. He has no desire to be with me. Yet that night we had sex. I know I shouldn't have - it was stupid. He agreed it shouldn't have happened, that the only reason it did was he wanted to show me that I am not alone in this. 

I am so confused. I love him and don't want it to end. We have both agreed that we are at this point by fault of us both. I feel like I have failed. I have tried to change things including myself but I just couldn't do it alone. I have been trying all weekend (between sitting an crying my eyes out - the only feeling I can equate this with is how I felt when my mother died.) to make him see that if we still love each other all hope isn't lost. That if we made a conscious effort to work together that we could get through this but he doesn't seem to agree. How do I make him see it? How do I reconcile that he still loves me but doesn't want to be with me? Should give the option of a separation?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

No, you can't change his mind. He has a copy of the divorce Petition that will be filed in Clerk of Courts office. It then will be forwarded to you and that's called being Served. Once you've been Served, a Court date will be scheduled.

One of the eerie feelings in this world is the quiet resignation knowing your marriage is about to end. There's no right or wrong way to feel about the death of a marriage and I suggest you research the seven stages of divorce grief. It will at least prepare you for how your feelings will evolve during this stressful time.

What also can be strange is the lack of fighting going on. You feel if you can get along now, what's the point of ending it? Trust in the fact, that's short lived. Not every divorce has to end with constant throat gouging so be thankful for an amicable end.

The whole process can be daunting so if you have a trusted friend or relative to help you through it and attend Court with you, that will make it a bit easier.


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## ahm239697 (Apr 9, 2014)

I don't have anyone. I have lived in Florida for 10 years and am all alone. He has plenty of friends. (Which on a side note - he feels is one of the problems. But I find it very difficult to meet anyone down here.) He has his mother. My mother passed away several years ago. All of my family and friends live up North and have their own lives. I am truly alone. I have my 7 yr old, but I can't exactly talk to him.
I just don't understand how you can still love someone but not want to be married to them. It doesn't make any sense.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I still love my ex-husband. He's the father of our two children. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

But the best decision we ever made was to get a divorce.

You don't have to always live with the ones you love...


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## ahm239697 (Apr 9, 2014)

Revamped said:


> I still love my ex-husband. He's the father of our two children. I wouldn't trade that for anything.
> 
> But the best decision we ever made was to get a divorce.
> 
> You don't have to always live with the ones you love...


I don't understand. I can't see if two people love each other, they can be intimate, and be best friends - how they can throw that all away. If something is broken don't you try to fix it before you throw it away?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

There's a fine line between Love and Hate.

When it was leaning more on the Hate side, we knew it was time...


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## ahm239697 (Apr 9, 2014)

This would be a lot easier if we did hate each other. If he told me that just looking at me made him sick, or vice-versa, I would be able to accept. But he told me I can stay in our home as long as I need to. That anything I need ($ - just write a check from his check book) just ask/take. We can still go out to eat as a family or to the movies. This is why none of this makes any sense. I understand that the past few years we have grown so far apart. I keep making suggestions - counselling, date nights, etc - he just says no. 
Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am just being selfish. I still love him and want to be with him. He still loves me but doesn't want to be with me. Maybe I ma just stupid and don't get it. Maybe it is just obvious to everyone but me. How do I change my thinking? Can I?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sounds like he likes the benefits of your relationship but still wants to do whatever he wants on the side.

Best of both worlds......it's YOUR decision if you are willing to accept that.

As for "having someone", don't EVER rely on ANYONE but yourself OP.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I went back and read your other post. I have to say, wow, you have issues. You're not even close to salvaging yourself let alone your marriage.

He's done. It's just too much. The yelling, the tit-for-tat maneuvers, the online dating. He's just done.

Sometimes Love doesn't conquer all. 

Maybe you can remain friends. Maybe, after awhile being divorced, you'll understand exactly how toxic this relationship is. Maybe you can change certain things about yourself and become a better you.

I know this hurts really bad now. And I'm sorry you're going through this.


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## ahm239697 (Apr 9, 2014)

Has anyone tried a separation? How does it work? No one in my family has ever separated or divorced. His parents have been divorced for over 30 years and he has no contact with his father. The last time his mother dated was probably 25 years ago. Anyone I do know that got divorced did it because they hated their other. There was nothing amicable.


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## ahm239697 (Apr 9, 2014)

Revamped said:


> I went back and read your other post. I have to say, wow, you have issues. You're not even close to salvaging yourself let alone your marriage.
> 
> He's done. It's just too much. The yelling, the tit-for-tat maneuvers, the online dating. He's just done.
> 
> ...


I am working on me. I am in therapy. I have finally (after 4 therapists) found one I like and am comfortable with. She wants to meet him in order to better understand me. He won't go. I know I can only change me.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

DoF said:


> As for "having someone", *don't EVER rely on ANYONE but yourself OP.*


:iagree:

A little off-topic, but when my dad was dying in hospice, he told me "I finally get it. Dying is something *I have to do alone*. I came into this world by myself and I'll leave this world by myself."

OP, we really only have OURSELVES in this life.... Others are a "gift" for a time. 

Accept that you had this "gift", but the moment is over. Sad but true.

Listen to DoF. Be strong, move on...


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## ahm239697 (Apr 9, 2014)

What does it mean when he says "I would like to think we can help each other out and be there for each other when need be..." Could he still be on the fence about this? I know he feels there is no other way for each of us to be happy, but I don't agree.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ahm239697 said:


> What does it mean when he says "I would like to think we can help each other out and be there for each other when need be..." Could he still be on the fence about this? I know he feels there is no other way for each of us to be happy, but I don't agree.


Read "I don't want you to be homeless as you are a mother of my child and you cannot rely on yourself"


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

It means he understands how he contributed to the demise of the marriage. It's his way of saying he still cares about your well being.

Don't confuse that with a reconciliation attempt.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

I doubt you can change his mind directly. Perhaps indirectly by your actions. Work on yourself and maybe he will come around. I wish you all the best, but, no matter what the outcome, remember, you will be okay in this.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I don't know that you can save it, but you are on the right track regardless. Yelling never yields results and usually only makes people shut down. It's not good for your child(ren), either. So it's a good thing that you are getting help.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Revamped said:


> I went back and read your other post. I have to say, wow, you have issues. You're not even close to salvaging yourself let alone your marriage.
> 
> He's done. It's just too much. The yelling, the tit-for-tat maneuvers, the online dating. He's just done.


:iagree:

I read your other thread too, and WOW. You need to back off and let the man go. You dont treat the people you love the way that you have treated your husband.


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