# Should I even bother trying to find someone anymore?



## caelro (Mar 3, 2018)

When I had my first baby I had a traumatic birth, and 12 years later still have problems from it. I’ve had two surgeries to repair damage, seen a sex therapist, seen a pelvic floor physiotherapist. 2 of the 3 issues were solved, but the last one is here to stay. Penetration (by anything) is painful and doesn’t feel good at all. Basically, I have a hole in a muscle in my perineum area. It is about the size of a pinky but causes a lot of problems. I had a surgery to try and fix it, but they were unable to because of the way my body healed and an infection I had after birth. I use to have a lot of pain deep inside, that was solved, and I had a lot of clitoral pain which was also solved. But the pain at the entrance still exists and isn’t going anywhere. It makes penetration painful and there is no pleasure because of the lack of muscle support. 

My ex-husband left me because of it, when I was pregnant with our twins. He hated our sex life and it ruined our marriage. Me not enjoying sex destroyed all feelings he had for me. He left 8 years ago. 

I’ve tried having sex with others. It’s no different, I knew it wouldn’t be but I guess part of me had hope. I’ve had two serious relationships since my ex-husband, both failed for the same reason. One was about a year and a half, he was a close friend of mine who had been interested in me for a long time prior. He really tried to make it work and for the sex to not be a deal breaker. He didn’t want to have sex because he knew that it hurt me. Doing things other than penetration just frustrated him over time and I made him miserable because of it. We don’t really talk anymore. He wanted to go back to being friends, we had been very close friends since elementary school, I couldn’t do it. Seeing him with his wife brought up too many feelings from my ex-husband. 

The second relationship was similar to the first. We were together for around a year. It played out differently but ended the same. We had sex every time we saw each other. He grew tired of it not being mutually enjoyed. He ended it on the same day that my ex-husband said he wanted a divorce, he didn’t know that. I heard from a friend of his that he wanted to end it sooner, but felt to bad. It was a pity relationship. I have had 3 shorter relationships, only one ended for an unrelated reason. 

In every relationship/marriage I’ve had I try to compensate for it. If I could do something else to make them happy I would, and I’d do it happily. I know that I need to make up for the area that I lack. My marriage ended 8 years ago. I’m 33. It’s seeming less and less likely that I’m going to find the right person. 

I want to be with someone. I hate going home to an empty house when the kids are gone, or going to bed alone every night. I hurts every time I’m reminded that I don’t have someone. Someone to talk to, lean on, love, just be with. I hate not having intimacy. I want to have a family again. It’s seeming less and less likely that it will happen. I had someone tell me to give up, I’m starting to think they are right…


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

If I had to brainstorm, have you considered looking for an asexual partner who still likes to cuddle, etc.? Either that or someone who, for whatever reason, dislikes sex too maybe due to some reason of his own?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

caelro said:


> When I had my first baby I had a traumatic birth, and 12 years later still have problems from it. I’ve had two surgeries to repair damage, seen a sex therapist, seen a pelvic floor physiotherapist. 2 of the 3 issues were solved, but the last one is here to stay. Penetration (by anything) is painful and doesn’t feel good at all. Basically, I have a hole in a muscle in my perineum area. It is about the size of a pinky but causes a lot of problems. I had a surgery to try and fix it, but they were unable to because of the way my body healed and an infection I had after birth. I use to have a lot of pain deep inside, that was solved, and I had a lot of clitoral pain which was also solved. But the pain at the entrance still exists and isn’t going anywhere. It makes penetration painful and there is no pleasure because of the lack of muscle support.
> 
> My ex-husband left me because of it, when I was pregnant with our twins. He hated our sex life and it ruined our marriage. Me not enjoying sex destroyed all feelings he had for me. He left 8 years ago.
> 
> ...


wow... i really feel for you... this is hard. 

are you still able to have an orgasm without penetration? if so, then i cant think that i am the only one who would be ok with that...

in my own case, there have been stretches that last into years where my wife was unable to have penetrative sex without pain, so she didnt really enjoy PIV at the time. but, i still found the sex that we DID have enjoyable. 

i cant be the only one out there like that. i was very happy to have a wife that was willing to work with me in order to find out how to have a mutually enjoyable sex life, despite her medical issues...

i cant be the only guy out there like that...


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Is it just the act of sex (penetration) itself? Or is it all physcial affection? Do you like kissing and touching?

I do understand how you feel - it can be very lonely to be on one's own. I'd love to be married again.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

I'd gone through a period of well over a year in my adulthood when I simply didn't want to have sex, though at that time, I also didn't want anything beyond friendship either; but I guess that proves that in the right state of mind, a person could live without sex. The only problem in my particular case is that sex and romantic intimacy essentially went hand in hand. If I didn't want one, I didn't want the other either and vice versa when I did want either. I know that doesn't help your particular case if you don't want sex but still want romantic intimacy; but it might help to know that much diversity can exist between people which increases the probability that someone out there might be looking for just what you have to offer.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

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## caelro (Mar 3, 2018)

minimalME said:


> Is it just the act of sex (penetration) itself? Or is it all physcial affection? Do you like kissing and touching?
> 
> I do understand how you feel - it can be very lonely to be on one's own. I'd love to be married again.


It is just penetration. I'm a very touchy, physically affectionate person. If I could always be touching my partner I would be. That's always been a negative in relationships, though. Partners say it's like a reminder of what they cannot have. Cuddling, kissing, touching, oral, are fine and enjoyable. Until those acts routinely have to lead to frustration from my partner(s).


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## caelro (Mar 3, 2018)

Machjo said:


> If I had to brainstorm, have you considered looking for an asexual partner who still likes to cuddle, etc.? Either that or someone who, for whatever reason, dislikes sex too maybe due to some reason of his own?


"Find an asexual partner" has been something I've heard from close friends who know, my ex husband and an ex boyfriend. My concern with it is that asexual people (generally) don't want any sexual intimacy at all. I do enjoy it, just not penetration. It worries me that I'd end up with very different yet similar problems, just a role reversal. Plus, it's not as if people just throw out there that they are asexual...


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Can't they do a graft or stretch the muscle and then repair it? I'm sure you've looked into everything, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that this hole cannot be repaired somehow or that there isn't something that can be done to resolve the pain in that area. The lack of help that women get medically for female specific issues is appalling.


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## caelro (Mar 3, 2018)

As'laDain said:


> caelro said:
> 
> 
> > When I had my first baby I had a traumatic birth, and 12 years later still have problems from it. I?ve had two surgeries to repair damage, seen a sex therapist, seen a pelvic floor physiotherapist. 2 of the 3 issues were solved, but the last one is here to stay. Penetration (by anything) is painful and doesn?t feel good at all. Basically, I have a hole in a muscle in my perineum area. It is about the size of a pinky but causes a lot of problems. I had a surgery to try and fix it, but they were unable to because of the way my body healed and an infection I had after birth. I use to have a lot of pain deep inside, that was solved, and I had a lot of clitoral pain which was also solved. But the pain at the entrance still exists and isn?t going anywhere. It makes penetration painful and there is no pleasure because of the lack of muscle support.
> ...


I can orgasm. It takes me a long time, doesn't always happen, and they are not strong. I don't have the muscle strength for them to be strong. My ex husband was okay with it, until he wasn't... Same with my two longer relationships. They were both okay with doing other stuff but it wore off. My ex husband felt unloved because he couldn't make me enjoy penetration. You might be the only guy out there...


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## caelro (Mar 3, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> Can't they do a graft or stretch the muscle and then repair it? I'm sure you've looked into everything, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that this hole cannot be repaired somehow or that there isn't something that can be done to resolve the pain in that area. The lack of help that women get medically for female specific issues is appalling.


I've tried to have it repaired three times. The first time was immediately after my twins were born and I was already torn open. 18 months later I tried again, then again more recently. I had a different surgeon and plan each time. Without too much tmi, I had an infection in my tear shortly after birth. That infection was ignored by my ob and ate away at the muscle and skin. The muscle that is left is weak and doesn't give them anything to work with. The tissue is very weak as well (I tear from penetration). 

It was extremely difficult for me to get help for the issue. I went to 6 doctors before I was taken seriously, and that was by a pelvic floor physiotherapist. She figured out what was wrong and referred me to various doctors that she trusted. Prior to that I was told over and over that there was nothing wrong and to "just use lube, it'll get better in time, like riding a bike". The problem wouldn't have been as bad if it would have been taken seriously from the beginning. At 12 weeks postpartum it should have been caught and fixed.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sorry that this wasn't properly handled by your health care provider in the first place. Having a disability from an injury that wasn't taken seriously must be terribly frustrating.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I know someone who saw 7 different doctors for a problem she was having in her leg. When she went to see the 5th doctor, she told the doctor "I know what is wrong because it happened before" but the doctor cut her off and told her "And that's why I'm the doctor and you're not." After she lost her leg and sued the hospital, that doctor sent her a message saying "Tell her I'm sorry."

I had a vaginal fistula after my daughter was born. After I realized what was happening, I went to a doctor who examined me, found the fistula, and told me "It's not a problem. All you have to do is keep yourself clean." And then I found a great doctor a few months later who was very understanding and empathetic and fixed the problem in a quick surgery.

I'm just trying to let you know I understand how some of these doctors can be self-absorbed jerks. I'm very sorry you have all these problems finding help.

I'm wondering if you should consult with someone who does sex change surgeries. I mean, if someone can turn a man's genital parts into a woman's genital parts by creating a vagina where there wasn't one before, then surely there is someone who can rebuild your pelvic area to repair this problem for you. Have you thought about that?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I think there are many men who could handle this situation.

Find someone who was married to someone who wouldn't do oral.

Don't give up ..but be up front about what sex will be like with you.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

caelro said:


> "Find an asexual partner" has been something I've heard from close friends who know, my ex husband and an ex boyfriend. My concern with it is that asexual people (generally) don't want any sexual intimacy at all. I do enjoy it, just not penetration. It worries me that I'd end up with very different yet similar problems, just a role reversal. Plus, it's not as if people just throw out there that they are asexual...


They're out there but probably not common. Once upon a time I would have been a candidate for you.
In that I love to make out, cuddle and physical stuff, but I don't have to have full on sex. Once upon a time,
I thought making out was the cats meow and even better than sex. I'm married now and love Sex with my wife, but it's not a deal breaker if she got some malady that prevented sex.
At the same time, I realize I'm an oddity and most guys simply can't do without.

Don't give up. Be patient and the right guy may come along.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

StarFires said:


> I'm wondering if you should consult with someone who does sex change surgeries. I mean, if someone can turn a man's genital parts into a woman's genital parts by creating a vagina where there wasn't one before, then surely there is someone who can rebuild your pelvic area to repair this problem for you. Have you thought about that?


someone who does sex change surgeries......

Good job on out of the box thinking ! 

The OP's situation sounds devastating


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## WestCoastBeachBoy (Jan 4, 2014)

Caelro, 

Don't give up. 
A man like me would be perfect. There are men out there for you! 
I love hours or foreplay and touching, cuddling, teasing. 
Oral is 100x better than penetration. 
Alas I am in the opposite situation of you where my wife HATES all that. 
She ONLY wants penetration 
To the point where she asks me to masturbate outside and come in the room to "just stick it in" 
To which I get no enjoyment. 
We are so polarized it's been over THREE YEARS since we have had sex. 
Not like we are undesirable, I work in athletics, in my 40s and have no body fat with a pronounced 6-pack. 
Point being, you have plenty of hope.


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## Silverbird (Mar 2, 2018)

I'm so sad to hear about this, I mean, I know men leave women just because of sexual frustration, but this is insult to injury, you're actually in pain when you do that and for someone not to value that as the most important problem is really wrong. Anyone who respects you should put your well-being first and make sure you're not in pain. Surely, you can find someone that likes oral sex rather than penetration. There will be someone out there who you would still be able to have enjoyable intimacy with.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I don't want to give you false hope. I don't think this is something that you have a high likelihood of getting fixed by finding an asexual person. Very few men are going to start a relationship knowing from the beginning that it is going to be sexless or just limited to oral. Is there anyway to make it not hurt? Maybe you just need a guy with a micropenis? Maybe have an open relationship so the guy can get his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere? I assume anal is also out?


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Can you try anal? That could give your partner a different type of penetration.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> I don't want to give you false hope. I don't think this is something that you have a high likelihood of getting fixed by finding an asexual person. Very few men are going to start a relationship knowing from the beginning that it is going to be sexless or just limited to oral. Is there anyway to make it not hurt? Maybe you just need a guy with a micropenis? Maybe have an open relationship so the guy can get his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere? I assume anal is also out?


Yes! Find a guy with a micro! There has to be a way to suss them out, right?

Also, where would one find an asexual partner? Ahem, asking for a friend...

(Seriously though, that's the only sort of relationship I could ever consider again.)


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Magnesium said:


> Yes! Find a guy with a micro! There has to be a way to suss them out, right?
> 
> *Also, where would one find an asexual partner? Ahem, asking for a friend...
> *
> (Seriously though, that's the only sort of relationship I could ever consider again.)


asexualitic.com


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