# step kids and double standards



## Jemm

Hoping for some good advice. I'm considering leaving my H, don't want to but see no alternatives. Our entire marriage is a set of double standards that benefit him and his daughter. Whenever I bring them up its instant deflection of the subject on his part that turns into an argument about the things I've done wrong in the past. I don't know how to achieve resolution to this and its making me resentful towards them both. He lectures, nags and gives speeches endlessly about my son not doing his chores, and what my role and responsibilities are as a mom, literally while he's preaching I point out his daughter did none of her chores and he just starts yelling that I don't like her. It has nothing to do with her and everything to do with the pot calling the kettle black. Most recently he told me he is going to pay her car insurance till she's 18, he threw fits and speeches if my boys even asked for a loan to help with insurance. They had their own policies at the age of 16, when I brought that up he told me I was crazy, they were on our insurance. I called the company just to prove a point and again his response is I don't like his daughter. I'm at the end of my rope, this is total BS and my kids look at me like WTH. Any advice on opening up a line of communication with Captain denial would be appreciated.


----------



## familygirl

Jemm said:


> Hoping for some good advice. I'm considering leaving my H, don't want to but see no alternatives. Our entire marriage is a set of double standards that benefit him and his daughter. Whenever I bring them up its instant deflection of the subject on his part that turns into an argument about the things I've done wrong in the past. I don't know how to achieve resolution to this and its making me resentful towards them both. He lectures, nags and gives speeches endlessly about my son not doing his chores, and what my role and responsibilities are as a mom, literally while he's preaching I point out his daughter did none of her chores and he just starts yelling that I don't like her. It has nothing to do with her and everything to do with the pot calling the kettle black. Most recently he told me he is going to pay her car insurance till she's 18, he threw fits and speeches if my boys even asked for a loan to help with insurance. They had their own policies at the age of 16, when I brought that up he told me I was crazy, they were on our insurance. I called the company just to prove a point and again his response is I don't like his daughter. I'm at the end of my rope, this is total BS and my kids look at me like WTH. Any advice on opening up a line of communication with Captain denial would be appreciated.


HAve you thought about counselling to resolve your differences. I think there is also a possibility to get family counselling too. It sounds like he is a tough cookie to crack. If he dosnt listen to you he may listen to a counsellor x


----------



## MarthaMellow

Sounds like your husband is at best unpleasant. Is he like this about everything or just the kids?


----------



## turnera

Why are you with him?


----------



## Bobby5000

No to be honest, neither one of them is a bargain. As what I consider to be a successful step-parent, if you are going to favor someone you favor your step-child, and work strenuously to make sure they are treated as least as good. You never criticize your step-child, but if problems occur, try to work to resolve them. You both are creating a war with your unabashed partiality. 

Obviously one way the relationship could be better would be if you had a nurturing relationship with your step-daughter that would bring everyone closer together. You are right, it cannot go on like this; you two have to either start working on your marriage, not criticizing each other and the children, and start trying to be constructive parents. 



"I'm considering leaving my H, don't want to but see no alternatives. Our entire marriage is a set of double standards that benefit him and his daughter. Whenever I bring them up its instant deflection of the subject on his part that turns into an argument about the things I've done wrong in the past. I don't know how to a++chieve resolution to this and its making me resentful towards them both. He lectures, nags and gives speeches endlessly about my son not doing his chores, and what my role and responsibilities are as a mom, literally while he's preaching I point out his daughter did none of her chores and he just starts yelling that I don't like her. It has nothing to do with her and everything to do with the pot calling the kettle black. Most recently he told me he is going to pay her car insurance till she's 18, he threw fits and speeches if my boys even asked for a loan to help with insurance. They had their own policies at the age of 16, when I brought that up he told me I was crazy, they were on our insurance. I called the company just to prove a point and again his response is I don't like his daughter. I'm at the end of my rope, this is total BS and my kids look at me like WTH. Any advice on opening up a line of communication with Captain denial would be appreciated.


----------



## FizzBomb

Jemm said:


> Hoping for some good advice. I'm considering leaving my H, don't want to but see no alternatives. Our entire marriage is a set of double standards that benefit him and his daughter. Whenever I bring them up its instant deflection of the subject on his part that turns into an argument about the things I've done wrong in the past.


This is certainly no way to live. You sound miserable. I would be too if the entire relationship is based on benefiting him and his daughter.

-He won't discuss the issue (any issue?) with you.
-He deflects and points the finger at you and brings up irrelevant and past issues.
-Whats alright for him and his daughter is not alright for you and your sons.

I would be frustrated and annoyed and thinking about leaving too if I were in your situation.

Would he consider marriage counseling - his communication skills are poor. How about you and your sons - what would you say your level of happiness and contentment is within this family unit?


----------



## turnera

Sounds like he married a woman to be his maid/sex person/mother.


----------



## Omego

Hang on a second. Let's not let the children ruin the marriage. We all know that step children are one of the main causes for the demise of second marriages or relationships.

Excluding the conflicts with respect to the children, how is the relationship. Is the foundation solid? 

I agree with other posters who suggested counseling. Dealing with other people's children causes extreme emotions. Everyone feels attacked and it becomes impossible to discuss things calmly.

Throwing away your marriage is not necessarily the only solution!


----------



## Bobby5000

It accomplishes nothing when she attacks his daughter when only her father has done wrong. She should have the self-discipline to not attack or retaliate against his daughter for perceived issues with her son. She should stand up for her son and show her husband by example how you treat a stepchild.


----------



## Jemm

I never attacked her i know shes not to blame. Shes a child i have enough of a handle on my emotions to recognize that. I pointed out to my H she didnt do chores. I never dragged her into it. Feeling resentful and acting on it are two different things. Besides i just busted him cheating so kids and chores is irrelevant at this stage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jemm

Thundarr i think thats an old fasioned statement at best. Ive got all brothers all sons and was raised by my dad. I understand men and boys very well. And ive got a pretty good grip on the woman/girl thing being that i am one. Children in a family should be treated equally regardless of gender. Both can do dishes cut grass and clean their rooms. When one gets in trouble for not doing them and the other is not punished its a bs double standard
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

I'm so sorry.


----------



## Thundarr

Jemm said:


> Thundarr i think thats an old fasioned statement at best. Ive got all brothers all sons and was raised by my dad. I understand men and boys very well. And ive got a pretty good grip on the woman/girl thing being that i am one. Children in a family should be treated equally regardless of gender. Both can do dishes cut grass and clean their rooms. When one gets in trouble for not doing them and the other is not punished its a bs double standard
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It was rude and out of character and I'm sorry about that Jemm. I have no excuse.

Your comment makes a lot of sense. Gender doesn't change responsibilities and expectations and should not change consequences. I REALLY agree with you that they should not get pigeonholed into girl chores and boy chores. I'm guessing your husband is not so on board with this or at least he doesn't follow through with it. He needs to know that his daughter will pay for it the most when she grows up.


----------



## Thundarr

Jemm said:


> I never attacked her i know shes not to blame. Shes a child i have enough of a handle on my emotions to recognize that. I pointed out to my H she didnt do chores. I never dragged her into it. Feeling resentful and acting on it are two different things. Besides i just busted him cheating so kids and chores is irrelevant at this stage
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have a lot going on Jemm. Yes she's not to blame for him not holding her accountable. Dynamics in mixed families are tough and seem to repeat. 

It seems like he sees her as a fragile little thing that needs help but sees his step sons as completely capable. That way of thinking is going to cripple her though. He's proven not to respect you by cheating so it makes sense he's not respecting your opinion about his daughter. Changes are it's driven more by selfish emotional attachment than anything else. There again it's not good for her. Really keeping her on your insurance is fine so long as it's similar treatment for all of them.


----------



## FizzBomb

Sorry to hear about the cheating. Good on you for busting him.

You deserve better than this - you and your children.

What are you planning on doing now?


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

It's possible that your H feels guilt over 'ruining' step-daughter's life with a divorce (not a view I hold, BTW). He may be over-compensating by trying to make her "happy" all the time to overcome this 'latent misery' from being a child of divorced parents, or he may be trying to buy her affection with excessive leniency. Either way, it's immature on his part and obviously ineffective. If it's the first, she'll play him like a harp! If it's the second, she'll lose all respect for him and consider him a stupid weenie.

The cheating is a whole 'nother kettle of fish! Get tested for STDs NOW. You have children depending on you. 


.


----------



## Legends

I think either of you don't like each other's kids


----------



## Thundarr

Legends said:


> I think either of you don't like each other's kids


Being a step parent is tough and if you aren't one then you don't understand it (maybe you are Legends). I got lucky because my sons were 7 and 4 and my wife's son was 6 when we got together. All same gender, all similar ages. Add to that my wife is an amazing person with tons of respect for me. But even when both parents are on the same page with rules and discipline one parent still will be the bad guy and the other parent will be the one showing favoritism. Both are bad. 

I was the bad guy. In our case it should have been easy because they were similar ages, same gender, and all had similar rules and boundaries, and I love all three of them. IT STILL WASN'T EASY.

I can't imagine how it feels to see you're partner damage their kids; kids you love; kids you want to see succeed in life, and you not have influence to make a difference. At least I had influence with ours. IT WAS STILL HARD.

I'm proud of my intent and resolve as a parent and my wife's faith in me but there were still many disagreements surrounding my middle son (step son). In her mind it was often (HER SON) rather than our son and I didn't appreciate that at all and I didn't accept it. I will never accept that. Those are the types of struggles to happen even in a great marriage like ours, even when things were stacked in our favor. I can only imagine the struggles when things are not favorable.


----------



## arbitrator

*Jemm: You don't need to be on the receiving end of that tripe from him and neither do your sons! If he refuses marriage counseling, then it's time for you and your sons to extricate yourselves from out of the canyon of that hell-hole!

Life like that is not what God intended! Stand up for yourself and for your sons! If he wants to wallow in his own misery, then let him! You just don't need to make yourself a part of it!*


----------

