# Written by a player...



## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Does anyone have that post that was written by a player and how they like to go after married women?
I have a friend that needs to read it. If you could post it, that would be great! Thanks!


----------



## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

He called himself a pick-up artist. I had it but computer went haywire on me so I had to reset it. Lost everything.


----------



## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Ahh!!! Do you happen to remember what threads you posted it on?? lol, Okay, I'll do some googling and see what I can find. Thanks!


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

It was posted on my thread called "camera laws"


----------



## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Thank you!!


----------



## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Any chance you know what page? LOL Or can give me a ball park?


----------



## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Found it! Thanks. I'll post it hear in case @EunuchMonk wants to grab it again. 



Findingmyway was a player, I don't know if he comes on here much now, but he did leave a point of view thread although I can't find it. He posted something similar to me, here it is.:
***********************************************

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I've seen that post here before, posted by someone else a long time ago. Fortunately, I'm healed enough that posts like this don't bother me. It seems to be amazingly easy, feed someone some BS and they'll swallow it whole. He mentions the smart ones who avoided him, to me, that means those are the wives who will not cheat. 

The ones he scores with are the ones who are predisposed to cheat, and if it wasn't him, it would be some other man who comes along. This makes R so difficult in some cases.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lordmayhem said:


> I've seen that post here before, posted by someone else a long time ago. Fortunately, I'm healed enough that posts like this don't bother me. It seems to be amazingly easy, feed someone some BS and they'll swallow it whole. He mentions the smart ones who avoided him, to me, that means those are the wives who will not cheat.
> 
> The ones he scores with are the ones who are predisposed to cheat, and if it wasn't him, it would be some other man who comes along. This makes R so difficult in some cases.


This is why R is a bad deal, your spouse traded you for 30 pieces of silver. You want to live the rest of your life for that person. Why.

I hope some pissed off husband decked that guy or he gets ball cancer, just saying.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Unless the WS sees this as their reality, builds healthy boundaries to prevent it ever happening again reconciliation will fail. It s referred to as "owning it".


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Do you think that poster was real?


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I'm not sure that's real, but there are people like that, and it's not just men. There are women who get off on screwing married guys. Honestly, I'm glad there are people like that. If my wife falls for that crap, she doesn't deserve to be my wife. I know she feels the same about me. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

sokillme said:


> This is why R is a bad deal, your spouse traded you for 30 pieces of silver. You want to live the rest of your life for that person. Why.
> 
> I hope some pissed off husband decked that guy or he gets ball cancer, just saying.


 @sokillme I originally wasn't going to voice my concern, but Every. Single. Post. You write is about hating waywards or thinking reconciliation is stupid. There ARE waywards who love their BSes (or, at least, who realize they love them most in the aftermath of infidelity) and who genuinely want to heal their betrayed spouse and fix themselves so that they never desire to stray again. 

True remorse might be in the hearts of only a minority of wayward spouses, but reconciliation (or attempting it) is an important part of that "moving on" thing you want so badly for betrayed spouses to get on with. Whether the Wayward in question is even remotely remorseful or not, an attempt at reconciliation clears out the infection of infidelity before beginning to stitch up the wound of the marriage. 

Through attempting R, the BS can hopefully learn who their wayward really is, why they destroyed their life and their BS'es life, and how much of their heart they were ever willing to put into the marriage in the first place. You might think that the affair was all the BS needed to know about their WS's character, but sometimes people get married without knowing that marriage takes work. In those cases, infidelity is a wake-up call. The WS has to learn that certain things _caused _them to cheat as opposed to them just "falling into the affair". Then they have to learn how to fix the things that caused the affair. Sometimes that's what it takes- blowing up one's life- for the WS to figure out what their priorities really are, and whether they WANT to put their spouse first. 

Successful R means that the wayward _always_ considers their BS first in everything they do, and often the wayward never really did that- with their spouse or with anyone- ever in their lives. It's a beautiful moment when someone learns how to do that. And if the wayward can't do that, then the BS learns for good and all that they should leave their wayward and move on. I just don't think it's fair to say that nobody who cheats should _ever_ get the gift of reconciliation, because without it, they may never learn how to do the things people need to do to have successful long-term relationships. 

What on earth happened to you that scarred you so deeply that you think _every_ WS is the same- evil?

If you've been betrayed, you have my sympathy, and I understand where that belief came from. But you must understand that not every wayward spouse is _your_ wayward spouse, and some of them are redeemable. Some of them have in them a drive, a humility, a willingness, that your WS didn't. I know that must hurt terribly to hear, because if that's the case your WS was even more uniquely heinous than you thought she was. But you mustn't lump every WS with your unrepentant one.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> @sokillme I originally wasn't going to voice my concern, but Every. Single. Post. You write is about hating waywards or thinking reconciliation is stupid. There ARE waywards who love their BSes (or, at least, who realize they love them most in the aftermath of infidelity) and who genuinely want to heal their betrayed spouse and fix themselves so that they never desire to stray again.
> 
> True remorse might be in the hearts of only a minority of wayward spouses, but reconciliation (or attempting it) is an important part of that "moving on" thing you want so badly for betrayed spouses to get on with. Whether the Wayward in question is even remotely remorseful or not, an attempt at reconciliation clears out the infection of infidelity before beginning to stitch up the wound of the marriage.
> 
> ...


Honestly, Ella, I think you're right. I am probably too harsh and way too stubborn in my opinions. First of all, when I write, I speak in generalities, when people are in the storm they need to see the truth of what just happened. The other opinion is strongly stated almost all over the internet. But most of this would not really be applicable to your situation for instance. Pain is the same though. 

It's not that I don't think WS deserve another chance and forgiveness. I actually believe they do, if you read my post to waywords I am much less harsh to them. When it's a BS in the mists of having their lives destroyed I really am not concerned about WS feelings at that point. 

I just think for the most part it is not a healthy thing for the BS. There are too many relationships out there where the dynamic is always messed up because of the cheating I think the BS could have a better relationship without it. And even WS may fair better with a fresh start. 

But you are probably right. I should cool it a little. My advice probably is tainted with anger, but I am not angry for myself, I angry for the pain that the BS has to feel for what most times is for the most selfish of choices. It's always such a waste. I may have empathy overload or something. 

I also hate to see people settle because of fear.

Anyway, none of that is meant to be a judgment of you for instance, your situation is very different for instance. Someone who fell for the player in this post though did trade away their love for nothing. Do you not agree? 

Anyway, I will cool it for a while.


----------



## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Honestly, Ella, I think you're right. I am probably too harsh and way too stubborn in my opinions. First of all, when I write, I speak in generalities, when people are in the storm they need to see the truth of what just happened. The other opinion is strongly stated almost all over the internet. But most of this would not really be applicable to your situation for instance. Pain is the same though.
> 
> It's not that I don't think WS deserve another chance and forgiveness. I actually believe they do, if you read my post to waywords I am much less harsh to them. When it's a BS in the mists of having their lives destroyed I really am not concerned about WS feelings at that point.
> 
> ...


I see. I appreciate the compliment that I am not a typical wayward. I try not to be, but don't always succeed. True, the people who feel for the aforementioned player had tower world rocked in all the worst ways, and people like him don't deserve second chances.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Someone asked if the post was real.

As a previous poster said, I've seen so many guys with this sort of game plan they become specialists, professionals of an ugly kind even. And they belong in a category with some professionals, slimy car salesman, dishonest mechanics, embezzling accountants etc. 

One woman who posted on an infidelity forum responded to something I wrote, by writing that her OM told her he went after married chubby women with lower self-esteem in order to keep himself supplied.

As much as people worry about Trump it is these small scale vampires who harm society in a more personal way. We might chuckle at the bible stories of adulterers being stoned, but there may have been wisdom in those actions that we have lost.

Tamat


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> Someone asked if the post was real.
> 
> As a previous poster said, I've seen so many guys with this sort of game plan they become specialists, professionals of an ugly kind even. And they belong in a category with some professionals, slimy car salesman, dishonest mechanics, embezzling accountants etc.
> 
> ...


And yet, they would have no success if our spouses didn't buy what they are selling. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

TX-SC said:


> And yet, they would have no success if our spouses didn't buy what they are selling.


Very very true.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> @sokillme I originally wasn't going to voice my concern, but Every. Single. Post. You write is about hating waywards or thinking reconciliation is stupid. There ARE waywards who love their BSes (or, at least, who realize they love them most in the aftermath of infidelity) and who genuinely want to heal their betrayed spouse and fix themselves so that they never desire to stray again.
> 
> True remorse might be in the hearts of only a minority of wayward spouses, but reconciliation (or attempting it) is an important part of that "moving on" thing you want so badly for betrayed spouses to get on with. Whether the Wayward in question is even remotely remorseful or not, an attempt at reconciliation clears out the infection of infidelity before beginning to stitch up the wound of the marriage.
> 
> ...


That's interesting and hats off to your husband who seems to have managed to somehow get over this.
I can only speak for myself, but if I was betrayed, I think it would be impossible for me to ever see my wife in the same light again, no matter what incredible self-discoveries she will have undergone afterwards. If she somehow manipulated me into getting back together, I would forever be suffering.
I would consider it an act of humility for her to let me go, if she truly considered me first, and not herself.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*As I somewhat recall, this particular thread really made me trigger at the time that it came out in that I found out from FB chat dialogues between my RSXW and her first covert lover(a former best friend and business associate of her deceased first H, a C&W musician, if you will ~ who I affectionately referred to as "Little Lord Larda$$" ~ he too, was a self professed player who she absolutely "ate up" ~ pun intended!

I absolutely have no respect for people that are self-professed "players," and inclusive of my RSXW, because they themselves, are little more than self-serving, indulgent louts whose only main concern or focus in life is the tingling dopaminic sensation in their brain and in their genitals, and they are so extremely unapologetic to the victims they create and the families that they tear asunder! 

Sorry, but I absolutely would not spit in their egotistical, self-serving guts if they were engulfed in flames! 

In my minds eye, there's a special place reserved in hell for arrogant, destructive people like that!*


----------



## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> That's interesting and hats off to your husband who seems to have managed to somehow get over this.
> I can only speak for myself, but if I was betrayed, I think it would be impossible for me to ever see my wife in the same light again, no matter what incredible self-discoveries she will have undergone afterwards. If she somehow manipulated me into getting back together, I would forever be suffering.
> I would consider it an act of humility for her to let me go, if she truly considered me first, and not herself.


You know what? You're quite right. My husband was probably crazy to forgive me, but I'm so glad he did. I hope I never "manipulated" him into staying. I think, from what we've talked about, and just from knowing his general character and temperament, that he never wanted to divorce, even on d-day. I'm very lucky that was the case.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Players only get in the pants of cheaters.

Faithful men and women are never "played" into an adulteress fvcking.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

If a wife sells his Honma golf clubs and Patek Philippe watch for $250 each on craigslist who you gonna blame, the buyer?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> If a wife sells his Honma golf clubs and Patek Philippe watch for $250 each on craigslist who you gonna blame, the buyer?


Completely depends on the situation. You know, like trafficking laws.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I don't know Philly, sounds a lot like determining fair market value where price is determined by a willing buyer and a willing seller. From my experience, its just hard to determine who is the buyer and who is the seller.  I've bought several musical instruments over the years (mostly banjos) by asking its owner if its for sale. If they sold it to me, it ain't my fault their spouse or family thought selling it was a bad deal.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I brought this up on another thread a while back and it didn't go down well with a few people,mainly women.When I lived in New York the bars I used to frequent were magnets for bachelorette parties,girl only nights etc.Now I never tried it on with married or engaged women,as far as I was concerned if they were wearing a ring it was a no go area.Anyone else was fair game.I will give every man reading this a piece of advice,do not let your girlfriends go on these trips unless you one hundred percent trust her AND her friends.The amount of times I've seen the bachelorette being fed copious amounts of alcohol and then set up for a final "fling" by her friends is unreal.The favourite trick was to get a soon to be married woman and man to have sex on their so called last night of freedom,I seen this happen in Vegas on at least three occasions.I seen a girl being filmed by a group of "friends" while she gave a guy a blow job in a parking lot on her bachelorette.Your woman may be the most loyal trustworthy person in the world but if she is drunk out of her mind she is in no condition to look after herself and is very vulnerable to assault,also to blackmail.I always tell men to make sure some of their family is on these trips,a sister or niece maybe.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yeah, we have hundreds of these posts. They are so divisive, it always devolves into men not letting women do what they want and being controlling. We actually have a thread where people were telling the guy to stay with his wife/fiance because it was just a BJ there are worse things. No, I'm not kidding. Meh... I've come to the point, people are going to find ways to cheat. If you want to use a party as an excuse, go ahead. I'm not your keeper and I will tell you my dislike. Choose your path and don't be surprised, if I choose one you do not expect.


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I'm not a big fan of bachelor and Bachelorette parties to begin with. I didn't have one and neither did my wife. What's the purpose? Go out, get drunk, party a bit? When I was getting married I wanted to be with my soon-to-be-wife. I didn't want to go partying without her 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

You got that right TX. When you want to go partying and juking without your spouse, you simply don't want to be encumbered and fettered by their presents. As far as accused of being controlling, I've never had to be, but its well within my capabilities. Its kinda what an alpha does. If she's uncomfortable with that, she's in the wrong pack anyway and she need to replace me.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Yeah, we have hundreds of these posts. They are so divisive, it always devolves into men not letting women do what they want and being controlling. We actually have a thread where people were telling the guy to stay with his wife/fiance because it was just a BJ there are worse things. No, I'm not kidding. Meh... I've come to the point, people are going to find ways to cheat. If you want to use a party as an excuse, go ahead. I'm not your keeper and I will tell you my dislike. Choose your path and don't be surprised, if I choose one you do not expect.


I agree fully with what you are saying but that wasn't really the point I was trying to make.What I meant was if someone,man or woman is so drunk that they are not able to walk,if one of their so called friends set them up with somebody of the opposite sex then sometimes siht happens.The friends think it is hilarious but the poor sap waiting at home is left to pick up the pieces,std's or even pregnancy can be the result.
When I was engaged,me and my then fiancée had an agreement of no bachelor or bachelorette parties.We didn't have a wedding either but that's another story.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I agree fully with what you are saying but that wasn't really the point I was trying to make.


 I know, I was responding making my own point. I am saying this is extremely common and it is also very divisive.



> What I meant was if someone,*man or woman is so drunk that they are not able to walk*,if one of their so called friends set them up with somebody of the opposite sex then sometimes siht happens.The friends think it is hilarious but the poor sap waiting at home is left to pick up the pieces,std's or even pregnancy can be the result.


Well, if this was really your point I'm not touching it with a 10 foot pole. It is not good.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I know, I was responding making my own point. I am saying this is extremely common and it is also very divisive.
> 
> Well, if this was really your point I'm not touching it with a 10 foot pole. It is not good.


I agree it is not good.Thet doesn't mean it doesn't happen.If you go to one of these parties the bachelorette or bachelor is under peer pressure to drink whatever is put in front of them.They are so drunk they could not spell their own name.
You can trust your so to the ends of the earth,but if she is drunk in Vegas and you are back in Boston then as I said earlier,siht happens.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I agree it is not good.Thet doesn't mean it doesn't happen.If you go to one of these parties the bachelorette or bachelor is under peer pressure to drink whatever is put in front of them.They are so drunk they could not spell their own name.
> You can trust your so to the ends of the earth,but if she is drunk in Vegas and you are back in Boston then as I said earlier,siht happens.


I understand what happens at these parties. I know what people do. I'm the no drinker. Someone bought me a lap dance, long before I was married, because I would chill and not participate. I went to one more shrugged off the next attempt and haven't been to one since then. You aren't informing me of what I don't know. My comment isn't about trust, my point is about not being a jailer. You want to go, have fun. If you get put in a compromising position, like peer pressure, an excuse isn't going to save our marriage. Still, I'm the a-hole who will say, "but it was your choice to go and drink."

Now, the 10 foot pole comment was based on you basically describing sexual assault scenarios. I was trying to avoid triggering anyone. If you can't walk or spell your name, you have some crappy friends if they set you up to fail. Yes, I know it happens. It's why I said compromising position in my response. Sexual assault is completely different. Even if it happened at a Party I felt she shouldn't attend, I believe I'd support my wife.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Players only get in the pants of cheaters.
> 
> Faithful men and women are never "played" into an adulteress fvcking.



^^^^^This^^^^^ I think we need to realize that no one is seduced into doing something they don't want to do. They make a conscious decision to move forward with it because they want to. I do get why people have a hard time with this. It feels better to believe that your WS was "hard to get".


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

There are "players" out there. But like gamblers, they usually only tell you about the successes, and not all of the failed attempts.

And I agree that many BSs like to pretend that their WW/WH was really "hard to get" and was "manipulated" into going down the path, when in reality it was mutual or worse.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> I'm not a big fan of bachelor and Bachelorette parties to begin with. I didn't have one and neither did my wife. What's the purpose? Go out, get drunk, party a bit? When I was getting married I wanted to be with my soon-to-be-wife. I didn't want to go partying without her
> 
> Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


I had one, we went to a really good restaurant and then went to a place where there was pool, and games and stuff. I didn't want strippers as once I knew I was marrying my wife I was done with that. (You don't stare at the doughnuts when you are on a diet.) Anyway it was fun. 

I also went on a few weekend trip with my friends. All of us are married and none of us even thought of anything shady. It really has to do with what kind of person you are and who you surround yourself with. If I knew my wife hung out with people like the kind described I wouldn't have even dated her in the first place. Birds of a feather is true.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> I agree fully with what you are saying but that wasn't really the point I was trying to make.What I meant was if someone,man or woman is so drunk that they are not able to walk,if one of their so called friends set them up with somebody of the opposite sex then sometimes siht happens.The friends think it is hilarious but the poor sap waiting at home is left to pick up the pieces,std's or even pregnancy can be the result.
> When I was engaged,me and my then fiancée had an agreement of no bachelor or bachelorette parties.We didn't have a wedding either but that's another story.


I think if this kind of thing were to happen you are going to have lots of signs before you get even close to marriage. I think sometimes people think that marriage or the thought of marriage is going to be a game changer as far as character goes. It's not in fact, in some ways if you have bad character it exacerbates it to a certain extent, it at least highlights it. 

If you are dating a girl who thinks, or whose friends think it is fun to get fall down drunk at bars and stuff, then you know it kinda comes with the territory. If they like to go out and be flirty at bars once you are serious then they probably are not the kind of girls you should marry in the first place. If you met her and she was fall down drunk at a bar, I would be weary. Those types of girls are probably not good choices.

Now if you are guy who does the same thing, then well, good luck that. s/


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> ^^^^^This^^^^^ I think we need to realize that no one is seduced into doing something they don't want to do. They make a conscious decision to move forward with it because they want to. I do get why people have a hard time with this. It feels better to believe that your WS was "hard to get".


Players only get in the pants of those who play and get played.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> And I agree that many BSs like to pretend that their WW/WH was really "hard to get" and was "manipulated" into going down the path, when in reality it was mutual or worse.


Indeed, sometimes the reality is that your spouse is actually looking for an affair. It's horrifying to even think of, but yes those spouses who are actively looking to cheat are out there while their unsuspecting spouses continue to think they have a good marriage. From a post in one of the cheater forums:



nicegirl said:


> I've been reading on here for a bit and appreciate all the advice given. So, I thought I'd ask some of my own. I'm sure this is a question that has been asked many times before, but I couldn't find the answer easily… How long should I wait before IC with new AP?
> 
> A little background, I haven't been doing this for very long. I've been married for 8 years and I'm 29. (Got married very young!) Not totally satisfied in marriage but not looking to leave. Just about a month ago, one night I decided to look online and see what was out there. I had no idea about the crazy amount of responses I would get. I met a single guy and we had sex on the first date. It was really fun and hot and heavy for a couple of weeks but he went on a trip/has been working a crazy amount of hours. (I know he's not lying about the trip or work because of FB) He seemed really into me but I think he might be a guilt king bacause he kept saying how bad he felt. So, I stopped contacting him.
> 
> I decided that a married AP is much better. He'd have as much to lose as me and discretion is my #1 concern. So, since deciding that, I've been on a few dates. Two of them I wasn't interested in after meeting for drinks. One I was interested enough to meet a second time and we fooled around. I'm a little unsure about that one. He's super into me and says he doesn't want to look around anymore, he found the perfect girl, but I'm not as sure so I was up front and told him I want to see him but keep looking. Wow, that sounds harsh when I type it but it didn't sound so bad saying it out loud to him.  I did respond to a couple of the hundreds (!) of messages I've been getting and have started chatting with a MM that I'm meeting tomorrow for lunch. This new POM seems really great. He's looking for the same as me, he's available at the same times as me, lives out of town but travels here for business once a week and stays in a hotel (which is ideal to me, we have a place to go), we chatted on cam and he's great looking and just my type. He really likes me. He told me I'm just what he's looking for. I'm really excited to meet him, but I want some advice. How slow should I take things with him? If it turns out I like him in person, what should I do? I'm thinking just a kiss at most on first date, more on second? Or even slower than that? I don't want to sound too confident, but I'm hot and good at making conversation and flirting, so I know he'll like me


Or one wife asking for advice on starting an affair:



slv0456 said:


> Here is the deal. I have been friends with this man for 12 years. We have this strange bond that I cannot really explain. He is one of the greatest friends I have ever known. Through all these years we have never dated one another and never had sex with each other. I have been with my husband for about 8 years and over the last 2-3 years my friend and I have been flirting with this idea of hooking up. We have had this conversation once or twice a year. We do not live in the the same state. We have discussed this via text and in phone conversation. He is not married. I won't lie I get butterflies when I imagine being with him. I am both flattered that he wants me and I am so curious about our sexual chemistry since our friend chemistry is incredible. We have talked about how we want this secret weekend together where we just forget about everything else in the world and we just enjoy each other. I know that it is obviously wrong but I find myself preoccupied and imagining what it would be like to have this secret affair of a lifetime. I do not want to be in a romantic relationship with this other man. I really do love my husband and I don't know how I could forgive myself if I got caught. Am I a horrible person for wanting another man? If I do it, will it ruin my marriage? I am also wondering if this is normal? I have two small children and a career. I find myself spending a lot of time taking care of everyone else and not taking care of myself. I wonder if this is just me thinking about acting out. I have a really good life and a great husband. I feel guilty for even thinking this way because I know I am really lucky. On the other hand I am intoxicated by this prospect. Please help and give me your thoughts. Thank you.


So yes, the players are out there, by the same token, there are spouses out there that are looking for an affair.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

LordMayhem is spot on. Its the people that are actively looking to have an affair that should be the scariest. Not the players/home wreckers. I have had two married APs. Both of them were female serial cheaters, that actively jumped from fling to fling. The lengths they go to not to get caught blew my mind. They thought of things I couldn't even conceptualize. The thing to do seems to be to sign up for an activity or hobby that you know your spouse would have zero interest in, pay for the activity and only attend roughly half the time. One of them would change into clothes suitable for yoga after every meeting. The other actually pretended to need a twelve step program for her wine drinking, just so she could go out to cheat. Neither communicated much at all via text other than to set up a meet. If either of them is ever caught, which is doubtful, pretty sure they would just pretend it was a one time thing, and I'm pretty sure their spouses would buy it. Not sharing any of this to make myself look like "the man". Actually I am ashamed of it. I just thought you guys should know that traditional evidence gathering may not work as well on a serial that is actively looking for affairs. Its pretty much a secret society at this point. I think there must be more out there than people realize, because both of these women had friends that did very similar things.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

ReformedHubby said:


> I just thought you guys should know that traditional evidence gathering may not work as well on a serial that is actively looking for affairs. Its pretty much a secret society at this point. I think there must be more out there than people realize, because both of these women had friends that did very similar things.


Yes, there's a reason why sites like AM and AFF, and even more, are so popular. These aren't all populated by men wanting to cheat. I'm sure the husbands of those women you mentioned would be completely blown away if they found out that their sweet, innocent, faithful wife, was actually one of those on AM & AFF looking for affairs. 

Because in some of the stories here, the BH/BW thinks that their WS fell victim to a predatory OM/OW. While that may be true in some cases, in other cases, it's the WS that was looking to hook up because they are DTF.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Do you think that poster was real?


No. In my opinion, it reads like a bad fictional reddit post.

But it makes BS's feel better to think that their spouse was "seduced" by some player rather than accepting that they were always cheaters who simply lacked opportunity.... Until it presented itself.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> No. In my opinion, it reads like a bad fictional reddit post.
> 
> But it makes BS's feels better to think that their spouse was "seduced" by some player rather than accepting that they were always cheaters who simply lacked opportunity.... Until it presented itself.


Actually, I think it points out that we are all at risk of infidelity. I have heard of guys like this before. Maybe this one is fiction, but players are there, it is a fact of life. And if they weren't successful they would change tactics....

I really wonder how many EA's occur because of predatory women :laugh:


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> I brought this up on another thread a while back and it didn't go down well with a few people,mainly women.When I lived in New York the bars I used to frequent were magnets for bachelorette parties,girl only nights etc.Now I never tried it on with married or engaged women,as far as I was concerned if they were wearing a ring it was a no go area.Anyone else was fair game.I will give every man reading this a piece of advice,do not let your girlfriends go on these trips unless you one hundred percent trust her AND her friends.The amount of times I've seen the bachelorette being fed copious amounts of alcohol and then set up for a final "fling" by her friends is unreal.The favourite trick was to get a soon to be married woman and man to have sex on their so called last night of freedom,I seen this happen in Vegas on at least three occasions.I seen a girl being filmed by a group of "friends" while she gave a guy a blow job in a parking lot on her bachelorette.Your woman may be the most loyal trustworthy person in the world but if she is drunk out of her mind she is in no condition to look after herself and is very vulnerable to assault,also to blackmail.I always tell men to make sure some of their family is on these trips,a sister or niece maybe.


Ugh, this is awful!!! I guess it goes to show that the people you hang out with are a reflection of you. My girlfriends would NEVER pull something like this with me. Ever. Because I would disown them.

I got crazy drunk at my bachelorette party. We were on the party bus, and there were two other bachelorette parties on the bus. There was one random guy who had bought a random ticket for the bus that night, and the other two parties were passing him around like a he was a joint. He was loving it.

Me? I got drunk, and all I could do was talk about how excited I was to get married, and at the end of the night, the first thing I wanted to do was find my fiance and love him up. If I had WANTED to mack on another guy, my friends would have STOPPED me.


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> Ugh, this is awful!!! I guess it goes to show that the people you hang out with are a reflection of you. My girlfriends would NEVER pull something like this with me. Ever. Because I would disown them.
> 
> I got crazy drunk at my bachelorette party. We were on the party bus, and there were two other bachelorette parties on the bus. There was one random guy who had bought a random ticket for the bus that night, and the other two parties were passing him around like a he was a joint. He was loving it.
> 
> Me? I got drunk, and all I could do was talk about how excited I was to get married, and at the end of the night, the first thing I wanted to do was find my fiance and love him up. If I had WANTED to mack on another guy, my friends would have STOPPED me.


Exactly. The types of people we keep as friends can be a reflection of who we are as well. I didn't have a bachelor party, but if I did, it wouldn't be at strip joints or with any friend that would actually encourage me to cheat. 

You see, there are some of us that see marriage as something exciting to look forward to. Other, I guess, see it as something scary and oppressing. In other words, "You better get some strange tonight because you will be stuck with the same partner for life!" I was excited to marry my wife and I looked forward to being with her for life. It wasn't scary at all. 21 years later and I still don't feel trapped or oppressed! 

Although players have a knack for seducing women, it's only those prone to cheat that buy into it. 

The posted story sounds fake to me. But, it was an interesting read. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Based on the revelation by the player, the worst place for a married wife to be is in an office environment.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> Based on the revelation by the player, the worst place for a married wife to be is in an office environment.


Depends on the character of the married wife. Women who don't want to cheat will shut it down before it starts.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lordmayhem said:


> BH/BW thinks that their WS fell victim to a predatory OM/OW. While that may be true in some cases


Unless they are mentally handicapped it is never true. Everyone who cheats knows what they are doing, that is why they hide it. For any of this stuff to work you need someone who is willing. This is why I always say there are cheaters and non-cheaters. Noncheaters never get to this point, they just shut the person down. Everyone is responsible for their own decisions.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Unless they are mentally handicapped it is never true. Everyone who cheats knows what they are doing, that is why they hide it. For any of this stuff to work you need someone who is willing. This is why I always say there are cheaters and non-cheaters. Noncheaters never get to this point, they just shut the person down. Everyone is responsible for their own decisions.


Hear, hear! Agreed.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have heard of women as well who deliberately go after married men. Anyone who does that is totally despicable.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

RideofmyLife said:


> Does anyone have that post that was written by a player and how they like to go after married women?
> I have a friend that needs to read it. If you could post it, that would be great! Thanks!


The Short Version....."Henry's Rule"

"Everyone is willing to give something for whatever it is they desire the most."


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Do you think that poster was real?


Almost certainly some guy with a cuckold fetish who liked to write about it. But maybe not. The thing is his story was too perfectly callous, indifferent, and predatorial. Too much of the perfect bad guy. Sounded too braggy.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I've known people like him. It is quite possibly real.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Almost certainly some guy with a cuckold fetish who liked to write about it. But maybe not. The thing is his story was too perfectly callous, indifferent, and predatorial. Too much of the perfect bad guy. Sounded too braggy.


Yeah...thats why I didn't really buy it. The whole bit about anal sex, and how he was basically "corrupting" them by pushing their sexual boundaries was also a bit over the top. The whole thing reads like he finds these innocent unsuspecting women, lures them in, defiles them, and turns them into sex crazed monsters. Which is essentially every husband's worse nightmare. I am not saying that women don't do things with their AP that they don't do at home. I am only saying they were never so innocent to begin with. The type to take an opportunity to cheat and run with it given the chance.


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I believed his post. And like any man he believes that he was "special" and was the only one to turn these office ladies in sex-crazed waywards. But like most men, he doesn't realize that these ladies have probably done this before with other guys.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Almost certainly some guy with a cuckold fetish who liked to write about it. But maybe not. The thing is his story was too perfectly callous, indifferent, and predatorial. Too much of the perfect bad guy. Sounded too braggy.


I worked with a guy like him. He was an out of control dog but had perseverance, charm and guile.

I called him a closet homosexual for rubbing what another man just had and said he should just eliminate the middle woman so he could rub penises with the husband directly.

That shocked him. I never hid my contempt of him but he kept his activities away from my observation so we had little conflict after that.

I don't know how many times he was chased or threatened by an angry husband but word got around about his escapades and he slowed down and started pursuing singles to save his own hide.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I worked with a guy like him. He was an out of control dog but had perseverance, charm and guile.
> 
> I called him a closet homosexual for rubbing what another man just had and said he should just eliminate the middle woman so he could rub penises with the husband directly.
> 
> ...


Kudos to you for speaking your mind because these guys need to know what most around them think. Until you showed your disdain for his actions he likely assumed that you were impressed. He was just getting his while he could after all and that's how rationalization works I think.

So yes guys who persistently chase and sometimes catch married women are out there. I've known a few of them (my twin being one of them years back). My guess is the guy you knew would have sound less braggary if he posted but maybe I'm off base about the original comment. It's just that the "I'm not a GQ guy followed by how how awesomely successful he was at tagging married women" sounded a little over the top.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Kudos to you for speaking your mind because these guys need to know what most around them think. Until you showed your disdain for his actions he likely assumed that you were impressed. He was just getting his while he could after all and that's how rationalization works I think.
> 
> So yes guys who persistently chase and sometimes catch married women are out there. I've known a few of them (my twin being one of them years back). My guess is the guy you knew would have sound less braggary if he posted but maybe I'm off base about the original comment. It's just that the "I'm not a GQ guy followed by how how awesomely successful he was at tagging married women" sounded a little over the top.


Real players have success with successful targets.

Targeting the wrong married woman is disastrous. They pick wisely and feel them out for a while but what makes a person a target has everything to do with them and nothing to do with the player.

His skill and experience might help but not with the wrong woman and there are a lot of women that are all wrong for players.

There are absolutely formulas and tactics that are basically psychological warfare that do produce results but the people, mostly men, who employ those tactics are borderline, if not fully dangerous


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> I have heard of women as well who deliberately go after married men. Anyone who does that is totally despicable.


Base upon my research in the cheater boards, those women specifically target married men as an AP seem to be in the minority, but they do exist. But then again, there is a reason sites like AM and AFF exist, for the general purpose of married people hooking up with other married people. And those sites are as popular as ever.


----------



## Empty Shell of a Man (Jan 30, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> That's interesting and hats off to your husband who seems to have managed to somehow get over this.
> I can only speak for myself, but if I was betrayed, I think it would be impossible for me to ever see my wife in the same light again, no matter what incredible self-discoveries she will have undergone afterwards. If she somehow manipulated me into getting back together, I would forever be suffering.
> I would consider it an act of humility for her to let me go, if she truly considered me first, and not herself.



I took mine back. 

It has been many years of a good relationship but I will tell you this:

I have never experienced 24 hours without thinking of it. The cost of self-respect is acute. The destruction seeps into everything. 

Yes, she had mental health issues and yes she was sexually abused by her father and yes she was self loathing and when I got the courage to leave, she made an attempt on her life that was not fake, but...

In her teen years she was wildly promiscuous and self destructive. This was kept from me when we married, but her father get laughing at me...especially when his daughter asked to wear a veil in the ceremony. 

I love her. This means I put her best interests above my own but...

the suffering to me never ends. 7 years since D day and not one day without thinking of it, hurting over it, and beating myself up. 

She lied to me for 6 years after her initial "we had no contact" confession...she said she was "lying to myself" about it and then came clean when I interrogated her after years of nightmares and doubts. 

Was it worth it?

It depends on when you ask me. I respect men who leave far more than the weaklings, like myself, who stay.

Some days I am glad and other days, like today, I despise myself. Last night, I could not even finish when we were together, I was filled with disgust and doubt as she has been acting weird again, lately. She is capable of holding to a lie for years, that is pretty severe.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lordmayhem said:


> Base upon my research in the cheater boards, those women specifically target married men as an AP seem to be in the minority, but they do exist. But then again, there is a reason sites like AM and AFF exist, for the general purpose of married people hooking up with other married people. And those sites are as popular as ever.


Yes they are popular which is so sad. Moral values and faithfulness are not so common now unfortunately.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Empty Shell of a Man said:


> I took mine back.
> 
> It has been many years of a good relationship but I will tell you this:
> 
> ...


Not sure if I admire you or pity you. I dont think I could ever trust again or have sex with the cheater again.


----------



## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

lordmayhem said:


> Base upon my research in the cheater boards, those women specifically target married men as an AP seem to be in the minority, but they do exist. But then again, there is a reason sites like AM and AFF exist, for the general purpose of married people hooking up with other married people. And those sites are as popular as ever.


On cheater boards it might not be common. In my everyday life it is more common for women to do that than men. Especially since these married men, having a family to provide for, are more stable and financially well-off. Honestly, it is so common I have started having a paranoia about single women in my area. "Is she now or have ever been an AP?" Also men outnumber women in my area. Mostly men go to prison, mostly men die in violent crimes, mostly men succeed in suicide attempts; this has tipped the scale.

I believe the player's story. I think many find it hard to believe because they don't want to deal with the reality that it is often that easy to bed people in committed relationships. After all the ring and the signed paper is supposed to change you into a different being.


----------



## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Not sure if I admire you or pity you. I dont think I could ever trust again or have sex with the cheater again.


I pity the man. If my W ever had an affair on me and I found out about it then things would be over in a hurry. Imagine getting back together with someone who threw your wedding vows out the window to pursue a flight of fancy. Think back to your wedding day when you saw how beautiful she was as she approached you. And then think about how you look at her now and could never see her in that light again. Every time she wants to go out with girlfriends, every time she goes to work, every time she goes to the grocery store you are consumed with thoughts of "Is she really going there or is she out meeting another man?". Or even worse - "What if she meets another man while she's out and starts another affair?". You find yourself no longer being able to trust her even though you say you do. Every thought you have circles back to her cheating. Every move she makes will make you jump and be on guard. It's like being in a mental prison you cannot escape. And that's no way to live. The mental anguish alone would be enough to age a person years in only a matter of months.

Cheating is a cancer.


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

CanadaDry said:


> Diana7 said:
> 
> 
> > Not sure if I admire you or pity you. I dont think I could ever trust again or have sex with the cheater again.
> ...


Some days are like this, others not at all. I guess it depends on whether you believe someone can change, or is it something you can live with.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

EunuchMonk said:


> On cheater boards it might not be common. In my everyday life it is more common for women to do that than men. Especially since these married men, having a family to provide for, are more stable and financially well-off. Honestly, it is so common I have started having a paranoia about single women in my area. "Is she now or have ever been an AP?" Also men outnumber women in my area. Mostly men go to prison, mostly men die in violent crimes, mostly men succeed in suicide attempts; this has tipped the scale.
> 
> I believe the player's story. I think many find it hard to believe because they don't want to deal with the reality that it is often that easy to bed people in committed relationships. After all the ring and the signed paper is supposed to change you into a different being.


Its very sad that so many married people think so little of their vows they made, thankfully many still do though. 
As long as we as married person has good boundaries in place with the opposite sex, then we can avoid getting too close to another person which is often how affairs start. 
Those who deliberately go after married people(often for the power it gives them) are just plain cruel, completely immature and totally selfish. They don't care if they destroy lives, ruin marriages and break childrens hearts.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> I pity the man. If my W ever had an affair on me and I found out about it then things would be over in a hurry. Imagine getting back together with someone who threw your wedding vows out the window to pursue a flight of fancy. Think back to your wedding day when you saw how beautiful she was as she approached you. And then think about how you look at her now and could never see her in that light again. Every time she wants to go out with girlfriends, every time she goes to work, every time she goes to the grocery store you are consumed with thoughts of "Is she really going there or is she out meeting another man?". Or even worse - "What if she meets another man while she's out and starts another affair?". You find yourself no longer being able to trust her even though you say you do. Every thought you have circles back to her cheating. Every move she makes will make you jump and be on guard. It's like being in a mental prison you cannot escape. And that's no way to live. The mental anguish alone would be enough to age a person years in only a matter of months.
> 
> Cheating is a cancer.


 I so agree.


----------



## Empty Shell of a Man (Jan 30, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Not sure if I admire you or pity you. I dont think I could ever trust again or have sex with the cheater again.


I agree. 

There are days I feel I was noble in granting forgiveness and other days where I think I was weak for staying. 

She claimed that they only hugged twice. It took six years to get to him fondling her. Since that time, she has not budged from that position, but as many of us know: 

our imaginations can cause more damage than the truth. 

My biggest problem was that she was my dream girl. She was what I had always wanted: extreme smarts, good looking, fun, similar interests, tiny but built, and so on. At first, she used to worry that she could not live up to this, but I also am aware of human nature and her imperfections were not troublesome. 

How it happened was this...

We were coming up on our two year anniversary. I was out diamond shopping for something special. I had even sold personal belongings to raise the money for it. I once realized that we were likely intimate more than 365 times during the previous year; compatibility was so easy. 

She was secretly meeting the bastard. He knew she had mental health issues and exploited it. He is a pervert who 'sexually enjoys' pain and holds a job where such perversity is not good for the community. (I can't say more). I know this because he told her this on their last meeting. I called him and let him know that should he contact her ever, he'd not live to regret it. He did not report me to the authorities for this. I said it knowing he could not. It was not an idle threat. 

The only clue I had was she seemed "fuzzy", and "distant" and almost like a zombie (in today's language). 

She was disassociating from me, the psychologist would later say. She said she wanted me to call her "****" and throw her out and that she was comfortable with this. I wanted to die and spent serious contemplation on suicide; precisely how I would do it (painfully). I did not want to live. 

her side..

She was sexually abused before she could even talk. Even now, decades later, if someone eats a banana in front of her she will vomit. She did not speak in school so they got her tested. The clinician knew but was afraid to address it with the parents (small town). She was as a child scared of everything. As a youngster, her mother, we think, tried to protect her from her father by cutting her hair short and making her look boyish, but by 15, she suddenly went into a tailspin. She let anyone have sex with her. She was abused, raped, drank like a fish, got into drugs, anorexia, 4.0 in college, but dropping out and re joining frequently...

I could go on and on, but you get the picture. 

She did get help, but if you know much about professional help you know it is a lot of getting the person to return for the $, so she took to journalling where so much of this $%^&*( came out. I got the courage to leave her and she took a bottle of pills in front of me and said goodbye. I induced vomiting and she slept for almost 3 days. At this point, I was glad I stayed. I did not want her to destroy her life even though I could not bear being with a liar and cheat. 

I convinced her to continue with the journaling which is to get the brain to process trauma. She eventually wrote about every sexual encounter she could remember. It was really gross. 

We burned the journal. 

Since that time (almost 4 years ago) she has exercised, been good to me, a loving mother, faithful worker and everything I knew she could be. She is a devoted Christian, funny, smart, irreverent at times, holy at others, and basically...that dream girl. 

Me?

I am left with both loving her and fighting thoughts of the betrayal and wondering and wondering...

When she leaves for work, she texts me that she is there, and everywhere she goes. She does this voluntarily, not for her, but to make me feel secure again. Even when I say it is not necessary, she does it anyway, with "I love you" and every so often, "I am sorry I hurt you..." She maintains no friendships with males, and does not want any. If a co worker says something to her, she lets me know. She presents herself in a way that does not let men approach her. (like a cat with no scent)....

We as men desperately need the "rest" that trusting a good woman provides. When this is broken, it is as if everything we believed in life and in ourselves, is broken. 

Modern or feminists can say, all they want, "you can't get your identity from someone else" but it is not how we are made. 

We men who had loving mothers have better confidence. 
Women who had loving and attentive fathers growing up did not need to go out and seek attention. 

Husbands glean their worth from their wives and wives glean their worth from their husbands. Marriage is unique, powerful, natural and can be as close to heaven on earth as we can get. 

When it is destroyed, it is as bad as it can get. 

A man with a supportive wife thinks he can accomplish great things in life, fueled by her respectful encouragement. 

A woman with a loving, attentive husband believes she is beautiful.

It is as we were made for each other. 
either we embrace this or we live on the defense...cautious and 'safer' and not so loving. 

Infidelity is like high end explosive that destroys. 

My heart aches for those who have experienced it...empathy for others is a result.


----------



## Empty Shell of a Man (Jan 30, 2017)

CanadaDry said:


> I pity the man. If my W ever had an affair on me and I found out about it then things would be over in a hurry. Imagine getting back together with someone who threw your wedding vows out the window to pursue a flight of fancy. Think back to your wedding day when you saw how beautiful she was as she approached you. And then think about how you look at her now and could never see her in that light again. Every time she wants to go out with girlfriends, every time she goes to work, every time she goes to the grocery store you are consumed with thoughts of "Is she really going there or is she out meeting another man?". Or even worse - "What if she meets another man while she's out and starts another affair?". You find yourself no longer being able to trust her even though you say you do. Every thought you have circles back to her cheating. Every move she makes will make you jump and be on guard. It's like being in a mental prison you cannot escape. And that's no way to live. The mental anguish alone would be enough to age a person years in only a matter of months.
> 
> Cheating is a cancer.



Even forgiveness and staying together does *not * erase the truthful things written above. The pain is mitigated in time, but it is never 100% healed and there is never 100% relaxing, soothing trust.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Empty Shell of a Man said:


> She claimed that they only hugged twice. It took six years to get to him fondling her. Since that time, she has not budged from that position, but as many of us know: our imaginations can cause more damage than the truth.


And you believe this?!?



Empty Shell of a Man said:


> She let anyone have sex with her.


Including her OM. 

You're still being lied too friend. She'll take that dirty little secret to the grave if you let her.

Believe that!


----------

