# I need help. Or at least an ear??



## marriedbutsinglemom (Jul 16, 2011)

Hello, been with my husband 12 years and married for seven. Three kids 8 and under. We have a lot of stressors in our life. First we have my husbands hobby. He races ATVS and has for almost 20 years. He does very well won many championships. my oldest son races also. I am very supportive of this hobby. A win for him is a win for me. But. I am done with the hobby robbing me of a life with my family. He spends close to $500 every other week to race/get atv ready to race. he spends countless hours working on his atv as many as 3-4 nights per week until close to 1am. As if this was not enough we also own and operate a small roofing business. Him and I do it all (we have two other roofers) He works all day and measures jobs at night and does paperwork many times a week. He is very scatter brained and unorganized. often dumping exta work on me at any point in time with no concern for my schedule or the kids schedule. I answer the phone calls, do the books and many other office 
duties. I do this all while trying to care for 3 kids, a house, laundry, groceries, outside work, cooking, school work, etc. It has all become too much. He is never here. And when he is he does NOTHING. He is home after kids are in bed and gone before they wake up. We have the same fights over and over. I have no income as I stay home and work for our business. He constantly tells me I dont do enough with the business. He has no idea it is hard to answer the phone all day with three young demanding kids. Or do paperwork or billing. I know he loves me but he fights dirty. He calls me names, tells me I know nothing about real work. He has made me feel like garbage for the past 5 or so years. We rarely have sex as I never see him and when it has been a week or better he threatens to find it elsewhere. He is overly critical of everything and always in a bad mood. I feel that he only cares about are his wants and needs and I litterally get nothing. I am stressed out, sad, anxious and on eggshells. He is unsupportive of anything I show inerest in. I have done as much as I can. I have prayed about it, I have read self help books and tried to change myself. I have told him how I feel. I have left for a night. Nothing changes. He is very selfish. Everything I do with my kids I do alone with them. His life revolves solely around work and racing. That is it. Lately I find my stress seeping out onto my poor kids. I have no help, no outlet and no partner in life. I just feel he is a miserable person incapable of giving any love and attention to his family. My life is really sad right now. I think about leaving him daily and feel so guilty. I think about getting a "real" job but that would only add to my stress. I want a better life. He makes me feel so anxious and on edge. Always waiting for a blowup. I am not even myself around him anymore. He has used so much personal stuff against me when we fight that I have put up such a guard that there really is not even any emotional connection anymore on my part. He wants to make people feel how he feels. Miserable. We both had really bad childhoods but I have been working to move past mine and he seems stuck in boy hood. He triggers my bad childhood in so many ways. And he knows it and does it intentionally. I am ready to call it quits but have no paying job, nowhere to go and three young kids. Everything I feel about him our two other employees feel too. He treats them just as bad. Calling them retards and morons. Belittling them and making them feel worthless everday. I need to make a change.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

I am bewildered by the number of threads here where couples have been together for a number of years prior to marriage. And then after they get married, everything goes to hell.

I didn't think that it's possible to be on your best behavior all those years and then turn into the real you after you get married. But I'm being proven wrong.

I still think that there are tell tale signs that we tend to ignore and/or think we can change. But the reality is, whatever it was that bothered us to begin with, bothers us ten fold after we get married ... and the thought of changing that person was only a pipe dream.

Several years later we find ourselves unable to cope and wanting to bail out ... but there are limitations.

I don't know what to tell you, except that I think you already know what you must do, if you can't have a civilized conversation and have him listen to you and see your point of view.

Right now everything is ONE sided and it favors him! Unfortunately there are children involved.

I would try and find a job and start a savings account solely under your own name, and start putting money in it. This because I feel that it's only a matter of time when you will reach your limit and the inevitable will happen.

At least ... you can start preparing yourself.


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## marriedbutsinglemom (Jul 16, 2011)

Thank you for the response. I get what you are saying and have pondered it for a few days. 

I think my issue is that I have changed so much and in so many ways and I am frustrated that he hasn't. Who I was 12 years ago is certainly not who I am today. Today I am a stressed out wife and (single but married) mom, business owner, homemaker etc. And my husband is the same exact person he was 12 years ago. It is just having a huge effect on me because I need a husband, father and partner. Not a self indulgent grown boy. All the hell we go through with this business is for the purpose of supporting his racing hobby. 

I appreciate your ear and your response.


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