# Menopause



## Mindful Coach

Hi All, 

I recently wrote an article about how to support your wife going through perimenopause/menopause. I got the following comment and was really curious about what long term married couples might have to say.....

Here is the comment: "My wife is currently going through premenopause. I love her and I do try my best to support her. But, what troubles me is, where is the accountability on her end or should we just support/excuse EVERYTHING"

I won't share my response to him just yet as I'm curious what others have to say. I did take two views into account 1. The wife struggles with emotional maturity and is acting out really bad with her symptoms, OR that she is doing her best, is emotionally mature enough to be reasonable, as much as one can be going through such a significant change - but that her best just isn't up to his expectations. So, either way you look at it - what is your take?


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## Mavash.

I'm perimenopausal and I think women use it as an excuse to behave like a b!tch. Yes it made me crazy, yes I wanted to bite my husband's head off, yes I was irritable, yes I was tired, all of it.

I did NOT however take it out on my husband. If I felt the urge to do so I warned him then I asked NICELY for help while I retreated AWAY from him until I got a grip. He knew when PMS was here almost before I did. 

Thankfully now I'm on hormones and this isn't a problem anymore.

PS I'm not perfect there were times when I didn't catch that it was hormonal for a day or so but I still worked hard to keep a muzzle on my mouth so I didn't say something I'd regret. Perimenopause made me cranky yes but it did not make me lose IQ points. I was smart enough to recognize that he didn't cause this.


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## Cosmos

Mindful Coach said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I recently wrote an article about how to support your wife going through perimenopause/menopause. I got the following comment and was really curious about what long term married couples might have to say.....
> 
> Here is the comment: "My wife is currently going through premenopause. I love her and I do try my best to support her. But, what troubles me is, where is the accountability on her end or should we just support/excuse EVERYTHING"
> 
> I won't share my response to him just yet as I'm curious what others have to say. I did take two views into account 1. The wife struggles with emotional maturity and is acting out really bad with her symptoms, OR that she is doing her best, is emotionally mature enough to be reasonable, as much as one can be going through such a significant change - but that her best just isn't up to his expectations. So, either way you look at it - what is your take?


It helps enormously if we're emotionally mature when we reach menopause but, IME, even then we're at the mercy of raging hormones and both the physical and psychological effects of menopause. During this time we can be exhausted (the joys of night sweats), depressed and totally confused by the changes that are taking place in our bodies, and we need the unconditional love and support of those around us.

Of course those around us cannot be expected to tolerate totally unreasonable behaviour from us, and a spouse should rather gently, but firmly, urge us to seek professional help if we aren't coping as well as we could be...

I was well into an early and difficult menopause before I found out what was happening to me, and all I can say is after only 2 weeks on HRT patches and I was a brand new woman!


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## CharlieParker

Link to article please. 



Cosmos said:


> we need the unconditional love and support of those around us.


My wife just realized last week she went over the estrogen cliff. Unconditional love I can do. I'm unsure about what "support" is needed.

My take? Not sure, but now that we know what's going on I hope she'll be able to do her best and that I'll be supportive. Perimenopause presented few outward symptoms, there was no noticeable increase in b!tchyness but now sex has become problematic.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Saw this thread and it made me pause for a second.


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## waiwera

When I was at my worst I was more than a bit crabby I was irrational, depressed and suicidal.... for a week every month. I really truly thought I was going mad. Up until then I had never had any signs of depression or mental illness. My mum and sister went through a normal menopause, with no going mad. Although they both had terrible PMS all their lives, which i never had. Periods were always easy peasy until I hit 40.

THE only thing I needed was love and support. If my H had played hard ball in any way shape or form... well... I don't really want to think what might have happened.

For someone who hasn't been through it I'm sure it's difficult to understand how 'not me' I became...for a few days each month. I'm sure in the past i have scoffed when I have read about women going bonkers during peri menopause... not anymore.

I feel so bad for any H going through a bad time with their wife. My H says I he didn't know me at times. One thing... my nastiness was mostly directed at me. I hated myself during those times...with a passion. Feels funny to even type that now, I rather like myself. I'm a cool chick!

I so appreciate that H stuck by me and supported me during that time. He was a star and he knows it!

For reference: I'm nearly 46 and still menstruate... regularly My dark days were when I was just hitting 40. Really thought the 'pause' bit would have happened for me by now... but I've read it can go on for 10 years. I take herbs to regulate my hormones. I showed up as progesterone deficient and estrogen dominate.


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## Cosmos

> My wife just realized last week she went over the estrogen cliff. Unconditional love I can do. I'm unsure about what "support" is needed.


Support in the form of encouragement to do things to help herself cope with the symptoms - including seeking professional help if / when indicated.

Your unconditional love will already be helping your W more than you realize


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## MattMatt

My wife is heading towards the menopause. Periods coming at irregular times.

I need a tin hat, I think.

I think this might help raise a smile http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd185/ralpher59/BB-menopause.jpg


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## JustHer

I don't think there is any one answer, maybe she is emotionally imature, maybe there is some left over baggage in their relationship that is harder for her to handle at this time, or maybe she is having a harder time with the hormones than other women. 

I know women who had one hotflash and that was it. For me, on a scale from 1 - 10, my symptoms were at a 12. It was absolutly horible and it lasted for 8 years. To top it off, we had a bunch of teenagers and hubby was going through andropause. 

I lost it sometimes and I don't think I am emotionally imature, it is called really bad hormones, suicidal hormones and unless you experience it you will never know.


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## Cosmos

JustHer said:


> I don't think there is any one answer, maybe she is emotionally imature, maybe there is some left over baggage in their relationship that is harder for her to handle at this time, or maybe she is having a harder time with the hormones than other women.
> 
> I know women who had one hotflash and that was it. For me, on a scale from 1 - 10, my symptoms were at a 12. It was absolutly horible and it lasted for 8 years. To top it off, we had a bunch of teenagers and hubby was going through andropause.
> 
> I lost it sometimes and I don't think I am emotionally imature, it is called really bad hormones, suicidal hormones and unless you experience it you will never know.


I hear you, JH. During mine, I had to contend with 3 close family bereavements, a rebellious teenage son (divorced mother), the difficult but necessary decision to make a major geographical move, the loss of everything I'd ever worked for as a result of the latter - along with a host of other major life changes... I often put my inability to cope during that time down to lack of emotional maturity, but looking back I think I did pretty well!


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## SimplyAmorous

My husband doesn't consider me all that bad... I assume I am in this Peri M thing at age 46....I don't know. 

I was going to start taking St Johns Wort in hopes it might calm me a little- a few yrs back... I do get a little out of sorts feeling like this







......I can sometimes feel this cloud hovering....I recognize it...he is able to make jokes about it... and I just agree with him.. it's COOL..... which helps really - love his attitude.. 

I will cry at a Hallmark commercial, a song, my irritation with the kids is noticeably higher.....I'm simply MORE INTENSE - no matter the emotion..... I also need even more of his affection during this time...all he cares is I don't get too critical with him... but he's told me he didn't want me taking anything.. No hot flashes or anything like that. 

So yeah... my husband is content to understand what I am going through...and loves me anyway. I try to not rail too bad during these times...I am sure it helps a lot how our men handle us too.


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## romantic_guy

For sure, every woman is different. My wife just turned 57 and had no symptoms of menopause. In fact, she was still having periods. She had an ovary removed because of a cyst 18 months ago. At that time the doctor knew that she had a fibroid on the outside of her uterus and the next step, if it became an issue, would be a total hysterectomy. That happened 4 weeks ago. (There were complications because of endometrial scarring, but that is another story.). 

Here is the thing...no hot flashes. Even her doctor is a bit surprised. No mood swings. Now to be sure, she is still recovering from major abdominal surgery, but it may be that she shows no symptoms. Her mom was the same. One day she just realized that she had not had a period for a while. That was it. So maybe her daughter will be the same.


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## Fleur de Cactus

I wonder if that woman acts immature before even Menopause started. We know hot flashes and night sweats are uncomfortable, but this is not a reason to make people around miserable. I hope you advised the man to tell his wife to find hormones, there are so many over the counter and others she can get online, no reason to use menopause as excuses . If it is a decrease in sexual activity, may be I will understand but hormones are there to help her.


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## Thound

Could the time between perimenopause and menause last 10 years. And could this be part of the emotional disconnect from me? I would ask her, but she gets all pizzed when I bring up our relationship.


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## SalvageMyMarriage

Fleur de Cactus said:


> I wonder if that woman acts immature before even Menopause started. We know hot flashes and night sweats are uncomfortable, but this is not a reason to make people around miserable. I hope you advised the man to tell his wife to find hormones, there are so many over the counter and others she can get online, no reason to use menopause as excuses . If it is a decrease in sexual activity, may be I will understand but hormones are there to help her.


Agree that menopause should not be an excuse for wife to flare up. But I guess at the initial phase, man should also try to understand what your wife is going through (she might not know that there can be medicines out there to help her when she first start experiencing menopause symptoms?). So as a husband, help her find out these solutions to relief her pain and discomfort? And don't take it personally when she throw tantrums at you - she doesn't mean it. 

But, of course, the wife should also not totally ignore her sudden mood swings and take it for granted that the husband should tolerate her. Find out what you can do to help yourself as well. Apart from medicines, there are many ways to help relief the symptoms of menopause: get a healthy diet and have regular exercises. These help to better cope with menopausal changes. 

Hope this will help!


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## Cosmos

Thound said:


> Could the time between perimenopause and menause last 10 years. And could this be part of the emotional disconnect from me? I would ask her, but she gets all pizzed when I bring up our relationship.


Yes, it can. I'm now post-meno but without HRT I can still get hot flushes and night sweats.


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## Thound

Cosmos said:


> Yes, it can. I'm now post-meno but without HRT I can still get hot flushes and night sweats.


When you are on HRT, does your desire come back?


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## CharlieParker

Thound said:


> Could the time between perimenopause and menause last 10 years. And could this be part of the emotional disconnect from me? I would ask her, but she gets all pizzed when I bring up our relationship.


Don't assume she would know the answer. My wife has said she is scared, mostly of the unknown.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Both my doctor and I strongly believe I'm going through pre-menopause. I'm not angry, but I do get emotional and it's not who I am or who I was. This is truly something that I can not help unless there are super foods that can help regulate the hormones. I won't take supplements unless it is food based. My body has drastically changed in the past year pertaining female issues. I've had several diagnostic tests confirming this. 

My husband has noticed a change with me. We've talked about it and he's been extremely supportive. I never met anyone as supportive as my husband. He does a great job looking at things from all angles. How can anyone get angry at someone who's always trying his best to help? I do my best to stay as level headed as possible and grounded. I try my best not to let my emotions take over my thinking and keep my it rational. Once in a great while my emotions do take over. Luckily my husband can tell me when these moments occur and we talk it through. I do get angry, just not at him.

I wish I was as patient as my husband, but I'm not.


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## Cosmos

Thound said:


> When you are on HRT, does your desire come back?


I wasn't in a relationship at the time, but I don't think I ever lost my desire, Thound. I do know, however, that my ability to enjoy sex was even greater after the meno


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## Thound

Cosmos said:


> I wasn't in a relationship at the time, but I don't think I ever lost my desire, Thound. I do know, however, that my ability to enjoy sex was even greater after the meno


Thanks. You give me hope. As long as she doesnt cheat Im in it for the long haul. My vows are my word!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos

Thound said:


> Thanks. You give me hope. As long as she doesnt cheat Im in it for the long haul. My vows are my word!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think when the drive does go away, once the symptoms are treated, the drive often comes back. I think many women, perhaps, suffer from vaginal dryness at this time, too, and are perhaps too embarrassed to talk about it and tend to avoid sex instead. Sad, really, because this can be sorted out in seconds with a good lubricant.


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## Thound

Cosmos said:


> I think when the drive does go away, once the symptoms are treated, the drive often comes back. I think many women, perhaps, suffer from vaginal dryness at this time, too, and are perhaps too embarrassed to talk about it and tend to avoid sex instead. Sad, really, because this can be sorted out in seconds with a good lubricant.


We use lubricants, but I can tell she thinks it is gross.


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## ocotillo

Mindful Coach said:


> I won't share my response to him just yet as I'm curious what others have to say.


Look at it from his point of view. Men, like women are all different, but as a general demographic group, men struggle with feelings of anger, aggression and inclinations towards violence. Well over 90% of violent offenders in prison are men.

We're told our entire lives that hormones are no excuse, you're accountable for what you say and do and that losing control is unacceptable. So some men are less empathetic than they probably should be. 

Personally, a lot depends on what behavior we're talking about. I think my father deserved a medal after all was said and done.

On the other hand, the only effect menopause has had on my wife (so far) other than a very erratic cycle, is her libido is through the roof.


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## Sussieq

Mindful Coach said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I recently wrote an article about how to support your wife going through perimenopause/menopause. I got the following comment and was really curious about what long term married couples might have to say.....
> 
> Here is the comment: "My wife is currently going through premenopause. I love her and I do try my best to support her. But, what troubles me is, where is the accountability on her end or should we just support/excuse EVERYTHING"
> 
> I won't share my response to him just yet as I'm curious what others have to say. I did take two views into account 1. The wife struggles with emotional maturity and is acting out really bad with her symptoms, OR that she is doing her best, is emotionally mature enough to be reasonable, as much as one can be going through such a significant change - but that her best just isn't up to his expectations. So, either way you look at it - what is your take?


I think women use PMS and Menopause as a reason to act, well, kind of crazy. Moody maybe. These are NOT issues that should turn a woman into a screaming maniac. If that is the case, the woman has other issues (psychiatric) that should be addressed. 

I'm not a fan of putting labels on everything because it allows for an excuse for bad behavior. I've had friends who looked for excuses. I don't buy it and I tell them so. Emotional maturity/immaturity wouldn't apply to a woman who has otherwise functioned well in life.


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## Sussieq

Thound said:


> We use lubricants, but I can tell she thinks it is gross.


That's too bad. There's some really good ones out there!


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## olwhatsisname

our grand children are in their 20's : and I must have the best lady in the world. Got to tell this one. the men in our Church sit closer to her at practice(choir )because the lchoir loft is hot) she FANS herself,and everybody else. keeping things cool. she has been going thru meano-paus, for 16 years.


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## MrsLadyWriter

I began going through perimenopause at around age 40-41. I started getting wicked migraines the day before my period was due to start. And, at one point, I was getting my period about every other week. But instead of 5 days it was shrinking down to 3.

Luckily the migraine thing only lasted for about a year and then they and my periods stopped. I'm 50 now and I haven't had a period for about three years.

The hot flashes and heart palpitations were the worst of it for me. The night sweats just taught me to dress in ONLY cotton nighties. Threw away all of my nylon ones. (The bonus of the hot flashes is that we didn't have to turn the heat on for about three winters! I carried my own furnace according to my husband and he just put on sweats! What a money saver that was!)

My mother gave me good advice as I was going through the worst of it when she passed... Dress in layers for the flashes, cough hard when you get a heart palpitation (it will stop it cold!), and remember that it's a natural part of life. She always said that you didn't take anything more than an aspirin when you first started getting your period they why should you muck up the stopping of it with a bunch to drugs. That being said, I know some women have symptoms that are much worse and need some help through it. They should work closely with their doctor for that help. My doctor told me that most herbs (Soy and St. John's Wort, etc.) won't help terribly much for most symptoms. His exact quote to me was "well, you can deal with the hot flashes or you can take soy and deal with the hot flashes."

The worst part is the psychological part. The knowing you will never have another child. Not that I wanted another... I had one daughter and really never wanted another. But the thought that the potential was gone was a little rough. But then I thought further and realized that NOT having to deal with periods once a month was worth it! No more cramps! No more migraines! No more craving chocolate or salty stuff! No more mess and back aches and leg aches and on and on and on!

Take it one hot flash at a time and hang in there! It was a temporary phase in life that did not in any way mean the end of my life! Nope - it's a brand new day! And I'm lovin' life!

I hate hearing about any woman to uses PMS or cramps or menopause, etc. as an excuse to behave badly. Ladies - we're better than that! (Aren't we???)


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## Anon Pink

In the heat of the moment, I like my husband to try to calm the situation without invalidating my feelings... And he's actually very good at that. I also like to revisit, whether by his prompting but usually it is mine, to recognize that I over reacted and make amends. 

Wacking out hormone are a reason why we behave irrationally, but not an excuse. maybe in the moment we can't see it but afterwards we need to be held accountable.


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## Hope1964

I blame the attitude of society about menopause for the fact that men think they need tinfoil hats when their wives are going through it. I don't believe for one second that it's something that should be approached with trepidation and fear. I think that if people started celebrating it and thinking about it as an honorable milestone in a womans life, we'd all be FAR better off.

Here's some previous posts about it that may help

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies...ause-can-anyone-ease-my-fears.html#post639206

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...nopause-what-should-i-expect.html#post1123118

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...enopause-what-can-i-expect-2.html#post1245377


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## CharlieParker

I don't need a tin foil hat (I did post me in one on TAM, unrelated). 

I'll admit that I totally screwed up since my first post in this thread, I tried to "fix" her "problem". My bad. I regained some trust and we are talking about it again. Trying to celebrate but I think our choice not having may come into play here. 

I'm still a little fearful of her decreased drive (so is she), if any thing menopause has made me b!tchy  It's no excuse for me either and I'm working on it.


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## aine

I read somewhere that telling a woman to 'get a grip' during her hormonal swings during perimenopause is like telling a man to stop growing a beard. Recent research reported on in a Uk daily suggests that having hormonal swings is a good thing otherwise women would be more like men who have relatively stable hormones over their lifetime. Then there would be less empathetic and act in more dominant and less flexible. Quote "our hormonal fluctuations are the basis for a sensitivity that allows us to be responsive to our environment, and empathetic and intuitive to our children’s and our partner’s needs. This makes us flexible and adaptable. Being fixed and rigid does not lend itself to survival. In nature, you adapt or die. Moodiness — being sensitive, caring deeply, and occasionally being acutely dissatisfied — is our natural source of power".

The problems arise when the woman's oestrogen drops then she becomes less flexible and willing to maintain harmony, hence the problems which arise in mid life in marriages.
The writer suggests
"In our fertile years it seems as though we live for our family and ‘Whatever you want, darling’ is the mantra we chant to our partners and children. We thrive by cultivating relationships and nurturing those around us. This is down to oestrogen — the hormone of accommodation.
But when oestrogen levels fall in menopause, we start slowly to change from the self-sacrifice of ‘OK, darling, I’ll take care of this’ to a more assertive ‘Do it yourself’.

I absolutely know that feeling, enough already, add that to the mix of other issues, and situations become explosive. Someone has suggested this is why so many marriages fall apart at this time of life (if the marriage hasn't been that good), women are more inclined to ask for divorce or be WAW.


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## Anon Pink

aine said:


> I read somewhere that telling a woman to 'get a grip' during her hormonal swings during perimenopause is like telling a man to stop growing a beard. Recent research reported on in a Uk daily suggests that having hormonal swings is a good thing otherwise women would be more like men who have relatively stable hormones over their lifetime. Then there would be less empathetic and act in more dominant and less flexible. Quote "our hormonal fluctuations are the basis for a sensitivity that allows us to be responsive to our environment, and empathetic and intuitive to our children’s and our partner’s needs. This makes us flexible and adaptable. Being fixed and rigid does not lend itself to survival. In nature, you adapt or die. Moodiness — being sensitive, caring deeply, and occasionally being acutely dissatisfied — is our natural source of power".
> 
> The problems arise when the woman's oestrogen drops then she becomes less flexible and willing to maintain harmony, hence the problems which arise in mid life in marriages.
> The writer suggests
> "In our fertile years it seems as though we live for our family and ‘Whatever you want, darling’ is the mantra we chant to our partners and children. We thrive by cultivating relationships and nurturing those around us. This is down to oestrogen — the hormone of accommodation.
> But when oestrogen levels fall in menopause, we start slowly to change from the self-sacrifice of ‘OK, darling, I’ll take care of this’ to a more assertive ‘Do it yourself’.
> 
> I absolutely know that feeling, enough already, add that to the mix of other issues, and situations become explosive. Someone has suggested this is why so many marriages fall apart at this time of life (if the marriage hasn't been that good), women are more inclined to ask for divorce or be WAW.


That is fascinating and it certainly resonates with me. 

For more than 20 years I lived for my family and then after several family crises it was like a light bulb went off. I became selfish and no longer willing to bend to accommodate anymore, for anyone! I thought it was prompted by the tidal waves of crises occurring. But coincidentally, I had begun perimenopause around that time too.

Definitely food for thought.


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## RedRose14

This is an old thread that has been resurrected.

I've also seen the latest reports Aine which are saying that menopausal women need more support in the workplace as it is such a difficult time for them, with hormones all over the place, hot flushes and lack of sleep. 

I have worked with several women who have gone through the menopause over the last few years, and I am now perimenopausal myself. From what I have seen, and from my own experience I do think that the declining oestrogen does have an effect on a woman's personality, I am definitely not so much of a soft touch/doormat these days, I take less sh*t, and I think that that is a good thing.

I don't think though that women on the whole use "menopause" as an excuse for bad behaviour, from what I have seen/experienced women are not in control of what is happening to them. At times it takes huge amounts of will power to keep their emotions under control, and sometimes it just isn't possible. 

It is a tough time in a woman's life.


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## J.deere

How long does it lasts?

What happens to a women's sex drive?

I'm dreading it. I also wonder when all this will start


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## anonmd

J.deere said:


> How long does it lasts?
> 
> What happens to a women's sex drive?
> 
> I'm dreading it. I also wonder when all this will start


This is an old thread.

How long? 5-10 years

Sex drive? variable, she might have bursts of young male like high drive, she might not, at the end it may plummet to zero. 

When? I believe the average final period is in the early to mid 50's so the start of the long decline would probably average early to late 40's.


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## LonelyinLove

anonmd said:


> This is an old thread.
> 
> How long? 5-10 years
> 
> Sex drive? variable, she might have bursts of young male like high drive, she might not, at the end it may plummet to zero.
> 
> When? I believe the average final period is in the early to mid 50's so the start of the long decline would probably average early to late 40's.


I am 56 and only in peri-menopause.

My drive is thru the roof. H cannot keep up.

Menopause is not the end of desire...it is just a change that can be managed.


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## anonmd

LonelyinLove said:


> I am 56 and only in peri-menopause.
> 
> My drive is thru the roof. H cannot keep up.
> 
> Menopause is not the end of desire...it is just a change that can be managed.


Great for you! 

That is not universal though. My wife experienced occasional short, as in a week or two at a time, bursts of insatiable drive. I might need two hands to count these. A decade or more of hot flashes and night sweats. Not much at all in the way of mood or behavior changes. And now nothing. She makes an effort but I am told she has zero libido and her vagina "doesn't work". HRT not really an option due to genetic concerns. 

To me, that conversation was the death of hope...


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## Holland

I am 48 and in menopause as no periods for over 12 months, peri lasted about 2 years. Maybe 3 or 4 small hot flushes, no sleep issues, if anything my mood is better (but I think that is more to do with generally being very happy with life), lots and lots of sex with no lube needed. 

I am a good, healthy weight, eat a decent vegetarian diet but I do drink too much at times.

So no real issue so far (touch wood) but I do wonder if I was still with my ex and living a very unhappy life if I would be sailing through this so easily. I could easily be one of those people that used anything as an excuse to be moody if my life was unhappy. As it is my life is in a great way, in an excellent relationship and loving life, menopause has had zero impact on life so far.


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## Row Jimmy

I don't think the sailing is smooth for everyone. From what I've seen some people can lose most of their sexuality.

It's difficult to say the least.


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## Vinnydee

I got through my wife's menopause by hiding the alcohol and buying her a puppy. Due to medical problems with both of us, we had very low odds of having a child together, but my wife always had hope. Menopause told her that her odds went to zero and that really affected her. The puppy really helped. It gave her someone to baby and care for. After the puppy, things got much better. That dog follows her wherever she goes. When my wife goes out, he stands on our bed and looks out of the window until she returns. She sort of treats him like a child but that is OK with me.


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## committed_guy

Mindful Coach said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I recently wrote an article about how to support your wife going through perimenopause/menopause. I got the following comment and was really curious about what long term married couples might have to say.....
> 
> Here is the comment: "My wife is currently going through premenopause. I love her and I do try my best to support her. But, what troubles me is, where is the accountability on her end or should we just support/excuse EVERYTHING"
> 
> I won't share my response to him just yet as I'm curious what others have to say. I did take two views into account 1. The wife struggles with emotional maturity and is acting out really bad with her symptoms, OR that she is doing her best, is emotionally mature enough to be reasonable, as much as one can be going through such a significant change - but that her best just isn't up to his expectations. So, either way you look at it - what is your take?


My wife also suffers from a mood disorder for which medication helps her to at least function normally. I can relate to the hormone/chemical imbalance issue. 

That said, yes during this time there is a lot of grace in her changes. The only problem I have is with the sex drive. From what I've read that women's sex drive goes through the roof before, and occasionally during, menopause. Where was the grace for me when I was in my early 20s and raging hormones? Now that I'm staring down the barrel of 40 I want it less. I will not allow her to use the excuse of getting older as an excuse to needing sex when I said that to her before and got the response of "no".

So to answer the OP's question, no I will not excuse EVERYTHING, but I will excuse a lot during short periods.


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## SimplyAmorous

committed_guy said:


> That said, yes during this time there is a lot of grace in her changes. *The only problem I have is with the sex drive. From what I've read that women's sex drive goes through the roof before, and occasionally during, menopause. * Where was the grace for me when I was in my early 20s and raging hormones? Now that I'm staring down the barrel of 40 I want it less. I will not allow her to use the excuse of getting older as an excuse to needing sex when I said that to her before and got the response of "no".


Yep.. this happened to ME.. it was soooo INTENSE (why I landed on this forum even).. I remember getting very emotional about feeling he is slowing down when I am just getting started.. I even had moments where I was shaking my fits at God (so to speak).. like WHY did he do this to mankind.. :wtf:... Men feel like this in their early 20's... then we don't get a taste of it till our early 40'[email protected]# Men get the lousy end of the stick here, so it seems. 

I was very remorseful for not "getting it" back in the day.. my husband was never one who came on like a freight train though.. but boy when this hit me.. I did [email protected]# I couldn't understand how in the world he controlled himself back then.. I think I had it worse than him.. or he is just way more patient..which is true in comparing us. 

He told me he never wanted me to suffer.. he went out of his way to be there for me.. his motto was.. so long as he could get it up.. he was going to use it......when this started to subside, even though I was wearing him out, he was even a little sad about it. 

I have found this peri-menopause phase to be the most exhilarating yrs in our marriage -due to this sex drive increase I had & it's effects on me.. the lessons I learned from it.... although I was MORE MOODY during PMS (like a rain cloud was following me around).... still this was like a mid life Honeymoon.. it brought us closer together... focusing more on Him & I...over it always being about the kids.... part of our story anyway.


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## stephscarlett

I just started a thread on this in ladies lounge. How I, for a few hours every month, am ready to jump on the next guy I see. It's.... disconcerting... 
I'm 49.


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## love2laugh

i hope other women are apologizing for their actions. I know I am, all the time! I must be starting perimenopause and I feel way too young for it. 

For me the worst part is feeling like I'm losing my mind... every month. Major shifts in mood and literal fits of rage that I have to excuse myself and practically meditate to get out of. I have always been and even tempered emotionally steady person so this is hard to handle. Especially when I'm trying to decide if my marriage is working or not. I have often wonder if this is a major contributor to WAW.


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## SimplyAmorous

love2laugh said:


> i hope other women are apologizing for their actions. I know I am, all the time! I must be starting perimenopause and I feel way too young for it.
> 
> For me the worst part is feeling like I'm losing my mind... every month. Major shifts in mood and literal fits of rage that I have to excuse myself and practically meditate to get out of. I have always been and even tempered emotionally steady person so this is hard to handle. Especially when I'm trying to decide if my marriage is working or not. I have often wonder if this is a major contributor to WAW.


I did a thread on Peri - thought I would post it here.. so you can read what others have said about their experiences.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies...ly-sensitive-mood-swings-how-do-you-deal.html


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## TX-SC

Oh my God... My wife is 42 and probably will deal with this in a few years. I'm scared now from reading these responses.


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## 2ntnuf

TX-SC said:


> Oh my God... My wife is 42 and probably will deal with this in a few years. I'm scared now from reading these responses.


You owe it to yourself to do some extensive research. SA has some really great threads on perimenopause and menopause. Husbands need to educate themselves. 

Every woman is different, though there are some similar, I think 35 or so symptoms that seem to be common. 

Libido can go through the roof or it can take a nose dive. Depends on the woman and no one can know what to expect.

Educate yourself. Be prepared to help her any way you can and where and how she will let you. 

Work on communication skills. Know when to talk and when to let her be. Listen and strengthen your resolve. 

It's a very tough time in a woman's life. All you can do is support her the best you can. Educate yourself.


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## TX-SC

2ntnuf said:


> You owe it to yourself to do some extensive research. SA has some really great threads on perimenopause and menopause. Husbands need to educate themselves.
> 
> Every woman is different, though there are some similar, I think 35 or so symptoms that seem to be common.
> 
> Libido can go through the roof or it can take a nose dive. Depends on the woman and no one can know what to expect.
> 
> Educate yourself. Be prepared to help her any way you can and where and how she will let you.
> 
> Work on communication skills. Know when to talk and when to let her be. Listen and strengthen your resolve.
> 
> It's a very tough time in a woman's life. All you can do is support her the best you can. Educate yourself.


Thanks! What is SA?


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## 2ntnuf

TX-SC said:


> Thanks! What is SA?


:laugh: Sorry.

It is a woman and that is an abbreviation for her username. 
@SimplyAmorous

Do a search on her thread(s). They will help you.


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## SimplyAmorous

TX-SC said:


> Thanks! What is SA?


He means ME ....this is my thread.. I put some informative links in there...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies...ly-sensitive-mood-swings-how-do-you-deal.html


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## TX-SC

Great, thanks!


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