# Selfishness in bed



## Jeffk (Nov 15, 2014)

A lot of women would think their husbands are selfish in bed right ? Not the case here. Let me start by saying that I help around the house, dishes, vaccuming, etc. Let me get to the point. My wife is very selfish in bed. She says she doesnt need foreplay, just get down to it. Well, a lot of men would like that, I do too, to a point. Sometimes, I do want foreplay because it makes me feel closer to her. Most of the time she doesn't want it. Now, to the selfish point, the other night she had an orgasm, I didn't. Afterwards she said, "I had mine, that's all that matters." Then she rolled over and went to sleep. She never touches me sexually to get me aroused, I do it for her, but she won't do it for me. I also like giving her oral, but she won't return the favor. She use to, but not any more. I dont expect it, but it would be nice every now and then. I know a lot of women don't like giving oral and that's fine. One of my other biggest problems is that she is to tired or not in the mood. What should I do ?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

How long have you been married, how many kids do you have, how often do you two have sex, who usually initiates, is she selfish in other areas, what's the rest of your relationship like?


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## Jeffk (Nov 15, 2014)

We have been married almost 9 years. We have one son who left for the military in August.


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## Jeffk (Nov 15, 2014)

Sorry, I didn't see the other questions you asked. Yes, she is selfish in other areas. We use to have sex at least twice a week and I initiated it. My dad has cancer and she told me this morning she didn't care,


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Jeffk said:


> Sorry, I didn't see the other questions you asked. Yes, she is selfish in other areas. We use to have sex at least twice a week and I initiated it. My dad has cancer and she told me this morning she didn't care,


Why would she tell you, her husband the guy she supposedly loves, that she doesn't care about your pain?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Yes, she is selfish. Don't do anything to satisfy her if she isn't going to anything to satisfy you.


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## Jeffk (Nov 15, 2014)

I don't know why she would say such a hurtful thing. But I will say this, I dont want her at the funeral if she is going to say something like that. Her dad died a few hears ago of cancer and I tried to go out of my way to comfort her during that time. Really, the only thing she HAS done is give me a flyer on Hospice care and told me to call them.


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## Big Tree (Jul 25, 2014)

Is she empathetic towards your son or others?

Does she hug, kiss, and hold your son or others?

I'm driving at her behavior. Is it directed exclusively at you or is it how she treats everyone?

BT


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

was she always like this or has something changed over the years.

this sounds very selfish indeed, her words even more than her actions.

how was she the first few years of your relationship and/or marriage?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Jeffk said:


> Sorry, I didn't see the other questions you asked. Yes, she is selfish in other areas. We use to have sex at least twice a week and I initiated it. My dad has cancer and she told me this morning she didn't care,


Selfish means they don't care or don't care enough. I think you should listen to her. How long has this been going on? She is unlikely to change unless she has a life altering experience that makes her appreciate you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You asked what you should do, my answer is to spend some serious time trying to understand what each of you want from the other. While there are some people with mental illnesses who take selfishness to a whole new level, I don't believe the average person becomes selfish for no reason at all. We tend to become selfish when we feel it is the only way to get our needs met, or because we are sending a message as a poster above has already suggested.

This is your wife and your marriage. Why would your wife be so selfish and uncaring toward you? If she wasn't always this way, what's going on to change things? If she was always this way, what's going on with YOU that you never saw it as a problem enough to insist she treat you with more respect?


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## School bus (Sep 25, 2014)

What's bizarre to me as that clearly you guys have bigger relationship problems than sex, yet you skipped over that part.


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## Jeffk (Nov 15, 2014)

This behavior is new. Like over the last few months. No, she is not very loving, towards our son. Really the only times I have seen her hug him or kiss him is when he left for basic training and at his graduation. She does hug and kiss me, but I initiate it. Very seldom is it a passionate kiss, just a peck on the lips if that makes sense.


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## Jeffk (Nov 15, 2014)

Yes, I did skip that part about our other problems, and I apologize. I think we do have some major issues.


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## Jeffk (Nov 15, 2014)

Yes, I admit I do have my own problems. Im not a saint by any stretch of the imagination, and I agree it's not all about sex. But, she has been very cold and distant. This is new behavior. I ask her a simple question and she gets very defensive and shuts down most of the time. It's frustrating to talk to someone who won't even try to engage you in conversation over issues we need to talk about. She says "I dont want to talk about it." I have told her, "ok, when you are ready let me know, I am willing to listen." When I bring it up again, she shuts down again. I will say again, It was very hurtful what she said about my dad.


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## Jeffk (Nov 15, 2014)

This behavior is new. Like over the last few months. No, she is not very loving, towards our son. Really the only times I have seen her hug him or kiss him is when he left for basic training and at his graduation. She does hug and kiss me, but I initiate it. Very seldom is it a passionate kiss, just a peck on the lips if that makes sense.


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## Jeffk (Nov 15, 2014)

I hope I don't sound like a pig because my sexual needs are not being met. I posted this for advice, and I thank everyone for your input.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Jeffk said:


> *Yes, I admit I do have my own problems.* Im not a saint by any stretch of the imagination, and I agree it's not all about sex. But, she has been very cold and distant.* This is new behavior.* I ask her a simple question and she gets very defensive and shuts down most of the time. It's frustrating to talk to someone who won't even try to engage you in conversation over issues we need to talk about. She says "*I dont want to talk about it."* I have told her, "ok, when you are ready let me know, I am willing to listen." When I bring it up again, she shuts down again. I will say again, It was very hurtful what she said about my dad.



What are your problems? Is it possible you haven't been listening to her over the years and she finally got fed up?

You say this is new behavior which means she is either mad at you for something that you've done or have been doing the entire relationship...or she is having an affair.

Your son has moved out and at this point, if you haven't been nurturing the marriage, there may not be anything left between the two of you. 

If you really want to work on the marriage, forget the sex stuff right now. You can continue to have sex of course, but in order for the sex to get better, you're going to have to figure out why she is being so hurtful toward you now.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow...sounds like either she is having an affair, or has stayed in this marriage for your son. Now that he has moved on, she may be realizing that now she can check out and leave.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> What are your problems? Is it possible you haven't been listening to her over the years and she finally got fed up?
> 
> You say this is new behavior which means she is either mad at you for something that you've done or have been doing the entire relationship...or she is having an affair.
> 
> ...


It might not be anything he did except not leave her or make an ultimatum when she revealed her selfishness. Some people truly are selfish and only think of self. They don't care about what you want and as long as they are getting what they want out of you will keep it going?

Can't a woman be like that?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

treyvion said:


> It might not be anything he did except not leave her or make an ultimatum *when she revealed her selfishness.* Some people truly are selfish and only think of self. They don't care about what you want and as long as they are getting what they want out of you will keep it going?
> 
> Can't a woman be like that?


I would have considered that except he said this was new. She hasn't always been so selfish or mean. If she was truly a selfish person, she would have been selfish and completely rude way earlier than a few months ago. 

Maybe now that their son is gone, she just has no reason to be nice to him anymore. So, if she has some issues with him from earlier on in the marriage...or issues with him not listening to her...whatever the case might be...that would maybe make her suddenly decide that she really just doesn't need to show him love. 

Or...she could be seeing someone else. 

Men AND women can be completely selfish. We see examples of this constantly. I just think if she is outright being selfish and rude all of a sudden, it's not because she is selfish...it's so she can be mean to him because she is angry at him.


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