# Need help saving my marriage, I need advice.



## ElAvery (Nov 10, 2016)

Sorry for the long post, but my wife has left me and I am devastated. We have been married for 1.5 years, and together for 6 years.

I was away on a work trip for 3 days. Mid way through the trip she suddenly stopped answering my texts and I got super worried. When I got home, she had left me a note saying she was leaving and staying with friends. She said that her anxiety was out of control and she couldn’t be around me because of my own personal anxiety issues make it feel like she is taking care of me. She said she could never find the words to tell me that she was suffering, and maybe we could talk the following day.

I have suffered for years with an anxiety disorder, and I have been working hard on myself to fix it through therapy and medication. I know I have bad spells, and the last couple months have been particularly hard because I got screwed out of a large sum of money (50k), I couldn’t find any work, and I was forced to take a contract job in which I travel a lot. I was upset about this because I was going to have to spend a lot of time away from my wife. I never felt like she was taking care of me but realize now that I wasn’t seeing clearly. She was doing a lot to try and take care of my problems. We are both very empathetic people, and I think both of our issues with anxiety were pushing us a part.

I called her frantically, but she was at work and couldn’t talk but basically said she wasn’t coming home, and that she felt our relationship wasn’t working. We have had issues with intimacy over the last year and rarely have sex. I will spare you all the small details, but after texting and calling her, she made it clear that she does not want to see me. She does not want to come home. We met for an hour with my therapist that Friday where we both talked about things in the relationship that bother us. I felt shut out, alone, and abandoned. She said she feels that by having to take care of me, she no longer finds me sexually attractive. She felt alone in the relationship as well. She also brought up that I hadn’t ask enough about her father who has stage 4 cancer. I hadn’t wanted to bring it up too much because it seemed to upset her so much, but I realize now this was the wrong approach. We agreed to take the weekend to give her space to think. It was agonizing but I didn’t contact her all weekend. I called her Monday and she said she was still not coming home. She said she was going to see her therapist on Tuesday, and I could try and call her if I wanted.

I got in touch with her on Tuesday, and she told me she is never coming back. That she is unhappy and its never going to work. She is unwilling to go to therapy or try and work it out.

We hadn’t had an argument or even a discussion about the issues we’ve been having. I was completely blindsided by this. I want to make it work, I’m willing change and work on myself, but she refuses to try.
It has now been 2 weeks since I last saw her. Tonight we were supposed to talk on the phone, but she text saying that because of the election she wasn’t feeling up to it. I asked if we could just text and she said yes. She told me she has felt alone in a way for a long time. That she tried to make herself feel differently. She tried to make me happy, and tried to take care of me but was in turn just enabling my anxieties. And she wasn’t happy. She feels that somewhere along the line, we fell out of love. She even went as far as saying that it was potentially back at a friends wedding when we had a fight, 2 years before we got married. She said that she tried to talk to me and tried to give me things other people had written that could explain it, but that I didn’t read them. She often sent me links while I’m working, and I am not always able to read them all because I am working. Sometimes they are funny things, sometimes serious. I know this is not an excuse, but I don’t know specifically what she is referring to when she said this. We never had a direct conversation about being lonely, although I think we both felt and knew of one another loneliness. I desperately want to know what I missed and didn’t hear. She said that she felt small.

I told her I was desperately trying to hear her now, and she said that I ‘keep saying that that’ and she doesn’t believe me. I am trying hard to hear her. She also said she doesn’t think I understand her. I asked her what I could do, and she said she can’t because she feels like she has been doing things for me for years. She can’t tell me what to do, and doesn’t know if there is anything to do.

I told her this is obviously a dark time, and its hard to see clearly, and I asked if she would be willing to see a marriage counselor. She said she doesn’t know.

We have only been married for 1.5 years, so it is hard for me to accept that she is just giving up. She is the love of my life, and I just don’t know what I am going to do. She has lost site of the love we have. Please help.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

It sounds like you two weren't communicating at all. You were completely blindsided by this? She's never brought up these issues before with you? 

I'm not sure that you can really do anything if she's refusing to work on it. Is it possible that there is someone else?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I am sorry you are here.

The gang will be along to offer you lots of advice, and I'm guessing you will hear quite a bit about how she is probably cheating.

I will give you the opposite side of the spectrum. My first love, my first hubby suffered from severe anxiety and depression. I hung on for 20 years (15 of them bad) and never stopped trying until the day came when I did. I talked about it to him so many times, but he never heard me either. 



> I was completely blindsided.


No, not really.  Look at what you wrote, and this is probably only the tip of the iceberg of what she has tried to get across to you.



> She said that she tried to talk to me and tried to give me things other people had written that could explain it, but that I didn’t read them.
> 
> I told her I was desperately trying to hear her now, and she said that I ‘keep saying that that’ and she doesn’t believe me


She was telling you verbally, and through links etc how hard this was all becoming for her and that she needed you to work on it. 

She also told you the terrible affect it was having on her.



> She told me she has felt alone in a way for a long time. That she tried to make herself feel differently. She tried to make me happy, and tried to take care of me but was in turn just enabling my anxieties. And she wasn’t happy.
> 
> She said that she felt small.
> 
> She also said she doesn’t think I understand her. I asked her what I could do, and she said she can’t because she feels like she has been doing things for me for years. She can’t tell me what to do, and doesn’t know if there is anything to do.



Your wife's words are exactly how I felt. Amplified over all the years of staying anyway because I felt it was the right thing to do. She is probably smart to be breaking it off now rather than being miserable for years on end like I was.

I hope she will consider MC, maybe that can help you both.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The fact that you feel abandoned tells me that she probably was taking care of you. You've fallen into a parent child relationship, and a child you take care of is not sexually attractive.

It's not her job to see to your anxiety and it's a lot to ask of her.

Stop begging her and get some serious help for your anxiety. It's not healthy for either of you. 

You haven't been married long and I assume you don't have any kids. If the marriage isn't working for either of you now is the time to end it. Maybe if you can put yourself together you can revisit things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ElAvery (Nov 10, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> It sounds like you two weren't communicating at all. You were completely blindsided by this? She's never brought up these issues before with you?
> 
> I'm not sure that you can really do anything if she's refusing to work on it. Is it possible that there is someone else?


I believe we both thought we were communicating, but neither of us effectively. She says there is no one else, I believe her, but I don't really know.


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## ElAvery (Nov 10, 2016)

Spicy said:


> I am sorry you are here.
> 
> The gang will be along to offer you lots of advice, and I'm guessing you will hear quite a bit about how she is probably cheating.
> 
> ...


I really don't think she is cheating, she says she is not.

Thanks for the perspective. I know that a lot of this is on me, and I need to get a handle on my mental health issues. I am so willing to work on myself and make myself a better person for her. I just wish she would give me the chance.


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## ElAvery (Nov 10, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> The fact that you feel abandoned tells me that she probably was taking care of you. You've fallen into a parent child relationship, and a child you take care of is not sexually attractive.
> 
> It's not her job to see to your anxiety and it's a lot to ask of her.
> 
> ...


I agree with your description of the relationship. Its not something I am proud of, its something I would like to have the chance to fix. I have been working hard on myself through talk therapy, cbt, and medicine for the last 4 years. I know I am not there, but I have been trying hard. We just got into a loop where I was depending on her to relieve my anxiety. I can see now how damaging this was to our relationship. But hindsight is 20/20. I would just like to the chance to prove I can be the person she wants me to be.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

ElAvery said:


> I really don't think she is cheating, she says she is not.


You owe it to yourself to know if she is or isn't. Her moving on like this without discussing it with you is a red flag. If she is, she will use your issues against you and defame you, blame the marriage failure on you, which isn't fair if she left for someone else. 

I don't think you can believe a word she says, unless you know it is true from another source.


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## ElAvery (Nov 10, 2016)

naiveonedave said:


> You owe it to yourself to know if she is or isn't. Her moving on like this without discussing it with you is a red flag. If she is, she will use your issues against you and defame you, blame the marriage failure on you, which isn't fair if she left for someone else.
> 
> I don't think you can believe a word she says, unless you know it is true from another source.


I don't believe she is, and I am going to leave it at that for now. I'm sure if she is seeing someone else, it will eventually surface, but she has told me she isn't and I'm choosing to believe her. I am giving her space by not asking questions from her close friends right now.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

It sounds like she was planning this for a while. This means she's already given you chance after chance after chance, and has determined that you are not going to change. She has no reason to believe that chance #238 will be any different. It sounds like she would prefer someone who is more of a partner and less of a dependent.

It's good that you are now willing to put in the work on yourself. It should not be done for her, though, it should be done for yourself. And it's very likely that your marriage is done, but that doesn't mean a new relationship couldn't benefit.

Do you really love this woman for who she IS, rather than what she did for YOU? Are you afraid of being without HER or just of being alone? If you love her, set her free. Stay in touch, and she may come back to you if she finds your changes to be lasting, reliable, and appealing to her.

And never ask someone what they want you to do, because 99% of the time, what they want most is for you to be capable of figuring that out on your own.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ElAvery said:


> I agree with your description of the relationship. Its not something I am proud of, its something I would like to have the chance to fix. I have been working hard on myself through talk therapy, cbt, and medicine for the last 4 years. I know I am not there, but I have been trying hard. We just got into a loop where I was depending on her to relieve my anxiety. I can see now how damaging this was to our relationship. But hindsight is 20/20. I would just like to the chance to prove I can be the person she wants me to be.


But this isn't something you do for her, you do it for you. 

So you can be healthier.

You don't know if you can be the person she wants, you can only improve yourself and see if she returns willingly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Just accept the fact that, in her mind, her leaving was your fault.


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## ElAvery (Nov 10, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> It sounds like she was planning this for a while. This means she's already given you chance after chance after chance, and has determined that you are not going to change. She has no reason to believe that chance #238 will be any different. It sounds like she would prefer someone who is more of a partner and less of a dependent.
> 
> It's good that you are now willing to put in the work on yourself. It should not be done for her, though, it should be done for yourself. And it's very likely that your marriage is done, but that doesn't mean a new relationship couldn't benefit.
> 
> ...


I just wish the chances were apparent to me, and not an internal struggle on her part to fix things. Telling me to read something and me missing it is one thing. Telling me that its important to our relationship and how we should be treating each other is what I would have wanted. I didn't realize these were the chances I was being given. I just feel the communication wasn't direct. This is why I want chance #238.


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## ElAvery (Nov 10, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> But this isn't something you do for her, you do it for you.
> 
> So you can be healthier.
> 
> ...


Sound advice, I definitely plan on continuing to work on myself, probably for the rest of my life.


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## ElAvery (Nov 10, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Just accept the fact that, in her mind, her leaving was your fault.


We are both responsible, but I agree that is probably how she currently views it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

From what you have written, she has tried to make the marriage work out for 1.5 years. 

Remember this, she married you. She saw your quirks, whatever shortcomings you had......and she still married you. Give her credit for her effort.

The Marriage License is a legal document. But it is not a prison sentence, or is it? 

The vows below are in your favor, but common sense in our "modern" world allows for breaking jail.

.........................................................................................................................................................................................................
Typical Protestant Wedding vows:

"I, Susan Q. take thee, E.L. Avery, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to you."

..........................................................................................................................................................................................................

"Hortense the Elephant" was the quintessential honorable creature. His word was his bond.,ref. Dr. Suess. 

Read his words 

...... "I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful, one hundred per cent!".......


Those words always teared me up. 

Few can live up to ones pledges, "Without Exception".

In our very short lives, we need some wiggle-room. 

Give her wiggle-room....Let her go.

In your present situation, BOTH OF YOU are miserable. If you let her go, she can find happiness. That reduces the misery index to 50%. 

If you get over your anxiety and find a new woman. That will reduce yours' down to 20%. 

You have to keep some anxiety....life will not let it go to zero...... Fear not, Death will guarantee it to be a "zero" coupon bond with the soil.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Do a Google search on walk away wives. You might get a better idea of how she's thinking and what is motivating her.

Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry you are here, sounds like you and she have had a tough few years. 
I think your wife was carrying you for a long time, she tried to get you to take some of the burden but you didn't hear her. YOu say this is out of the blue, no it is not, you just were not listening.
You cannot make her come back to you. You can only keep the channels of communication open for now, do not force anything. Get the help you need to overcome your anxiety.


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## ElAvery (Nov 10, 2016)

browser said:


> Do a Google search on walk away wives. You might get a better idea of how she's thinking and what is motivating her.
> 
> Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®


Wow, this is uncanny how much it describes my situation.


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## ElAvery (Nov 10, 2016)

aine said:


> So sorry you are here, sounds like you and she have had a tough few years.
> I think your wife was carrying you for a long time, she tried to get you to take some of the burden but you didn't hear her. YOu say this is out of the blue, no it is not, you just were not listening.
> You cannot make her come back to you. You can only keep the channels of communication open for now, do not force anything. Get the help you need to overcome your anxiety.


Its true, and I own up to that. I didn't see or hear what I should have been hearing, whether it was being communicated to me effectively or not, I accept my part in not recognizing the urgency.


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