# Help me please, it's happened again



## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Almost three years since my husband confessed to an EA. In brief; both of us had counselling, together and alone, transparency 100%, told me everything - that wasn't nice but needed doing. Tried hard, he really did. I was the one who struggled; didn't trust him, insecure about myself, my looks, my attractiveness etc. but I tried so hard, and we got somewhere, we really did.

Then yesterday, I ask him to tell me what's going on as he's been distant, weird, couldn't put my finger on it. He's in bits; been to the doctors, asked for antidepressants etc, eaten up by guilt as he's had a short few weeks of becoming close to someone at work again. Met her twice, kissed her. That's definitely it, I honestly believe that. He is distraught, told her two weeks ago that he had made a mistake but he had to tell me.

Well, that's pretty much it, what can I say? I don't know what to do, please help me. Please.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

messedup,
The real question is what can you do. You said he tried hard, he really did but that you struggled. Did he try hard to help YOU in your struggle? Did he try hard to make YOU understand the why and how of his A? You are the injured in this and he is the assailant so it falls to him to help you heal. If he was sincere, then he would be willing to say or do anything you needed/need to heal. That does not include starting another EA with a work associate.

His actions speak volumes as to his dedication to making this work and you to heal. What he "needs" supersedes your needs in his mind and that will always cripple any effort at R. He did end it and come clean on his own, if I read your post right and that is noteworthy but the fact that he did it in the first place is what is so damning.

What is it that you want going forward? Are you intent on R or have you considered D?


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

We have children. Key times for one of them, plus Christmas, so I have thought that I have six months to sit it out, then divorce. Am heartbroken beyond words. He has destroyed our lives, my poor children, they idolise him and he really is a fantastic father. What a mess.

Yes, he did come clean. Went for counselling last week too, they told him not to but he says that he just had to.

Have told him this and suggested that we stay together for the next six months "for the children" - yeah, cue the tirades but that's my call I guess here?? But in that six months we are apart realistically. He can do as he wishes, as can i. Says he doesn't want anyone else, sobs, will do anything yadda yadda yadda

Jeez what a mess.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sounds like he does not understand boundaries, and he is not capable of having female friends. Do what you can to heal. Work out, eat right, buy new clothes, and pamper yourself. It will help raise your self image. Plus reaffirm your positive traits, and work on your bad ones. Realize that you have something to offer to the right person.


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Thank you Mr Fisty, yes I will do exactly that once the pain eases. I know that I am an attractive woman, I never act on any attention at all. I am going to have to be as selfish as he is from now on, my time will come. Not sure that I want to be anything but alone in the future but we'll see I guess.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The sad thing is that is that he probably doesn't want anyone else as far as a wife/family.....but he does want the excitement on the side. He's a boundary pusher that will get what he can and then cry and beg forgiveness. Unfortunately if you continue with him that's probably the future you'll have.....you can do much better.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Your husband confessing and being remorseful is something I guess, but I have to say that it is all about him. How distraught he feels, how the guilt was eating him up, how he doesn't want anyone else, how he'll do whatever it takes, way too self involved.

Also despite the pain he caused before with his emotional affair he engaged in another one that crossed even more boundaries.

You on the other hand seem to be holding up alright. I don't know what advice to give since you appear to be doing relatively well for someone in your situation. I know that there is heartbreak so sorry for the pain you are experiencing, given time it will dissipate you will be brimming with joy.

Just curious to know why the six month delay?


p.s. What kind of s****y ass counsellor advices their patient to lie to their spouse, especially if it's plaguing their patient's conscience.


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Thanks everyone, does help honestly even though the truth hurts so very much.

Six months is just because of son having major exams coming up, once they're done, I guess I will be too.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Need a little more background. How old are you, your husband, and your children? How long have you been married?


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Married 15 years, been together 22, early forties, children 15 & 12.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

messeduplady said:


> We have children. Key times for one of them, plus Christmas, so I have thought that I have six months to sit it out, then divorce. Am heartbroken beyond words. He has destroyed our lives, my poor children, they idolise him and he really is a fantastic father. What a mess.
> 
> Yes, he did come clean. Went for counselling last week too, they told him not to but he says that he just had to.
> 
> ...


I am sure he is sincere when he says he does not want anyone else. Who would if divorce meant leaving the advantages of having a wife, suffering financial loss and the loss of a convenient sex partner. When he loses you, he needs to go through the process of finding a woman, and holding onto her and hoping she does not cheat on him. You don't sound easy to replace. He will attract the same type of person he is, deceptive, lazy and selfish. He lost because he did not value what he had. He will now that its gone. 

Think of the years ahead if you lose your resolve about leaving. You will experience the same misery you have for the last 5 yrs and then another betrayal. He does not think you will follow through with the D because he got off so easily last time. His sense of guilt is not enough to keep him from hurting you so don't let it sway you.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

messeduplady said:


> Then yesterday, I ask him to tell me what's going on as he's been distant, weird, couldn't put my finger on it. He's in bits; been to the doctors, asked for antidepressants etc, eaten up by guilt as he's had a short few weeks of becoming close to someone at work again. Met her twice, kissed her. That's definitely it, I honestly believe that.


Why do you trust him unconditionally?

When people cheat, they usually lie.

When cheaters say they kissed, they're usually only trickle truthing you. 

The odds are overwhelming that it was much more than that. 

I can't help you. I can only suggest that you open your eyes and accept that there might be things your husband doesn't tell you. Things you probably don't want to hear.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Why do you trust him unconditionally?
> 
> When people cheat, they usually lie.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately this is probably true.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

messeduplady said:


> Almost three years since my husband confessed to an EA. In brief; both of us had counselling, together and alone, transparency 100%, told me everything - that wasn't nice but needed doing. Tried hard, he really did. I was the one who struggled; didn't trust him, insecure about myself, my looks, my attractiveness etc. but I tried so hard, and we got somewhere, we really did.
> 
> Then yesterday, I ask him to tell me what's going on as he's been distant, weird, couldn't put my finger on it. He's in bits; been to the doctors, asked for antidepressants etc, eaten up by guilt as he's had a short few weeks of becoming close to someone at work again. Met her twice, kissed her. That's definitely it, I honestly believe that. He is distraught, told her two weeks ago that he had made a mistake but he had to tell me.
> 
> Well, that's pretty much it, what can I say? I don't know what to do, please help me. Please.


But he didn't tell you, did he?

They only kissed. Yeah, of course they did.

You need to get STD tests done, but tell your husband about it. Tell him the reason you are doing this is that you can no longer trust him and need to protect your health.

The real reason to get the STD tests is not to find out if you have STDs but to send up a warning flare for your husband.

The bad news is his individual counselling failed to work.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
From your recent posts I conclude that you are through having this life thrust upon you. It is sad but nevertheless necessary to change your life when he refuses to. His insincerity will continue until such time that he actually realizes the extent of the pain he has caused, which may be never. You, your children and your marriage need the stability that he refuses to provide and that is regrettable.

Fortunately for your eldest mom cares enough to allow him to get through his scholastic requirements without the added weight of a looming D clouding his mind. Kids are however surprisingly resilient and are capable of more than perhaps we give them credit for.

In any event, I wish you good fortune in this process. I know you will be strong for your kids, that's just the type of person you are.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

of course, should he be arrested DUI with a child on board then CPS will be brought in as they'd (quite rightly) view it as child endangerment. 

And if they realise you knew but did not report him, the whole situation could get very messy.

You need to avoid this before it happens by seeking legal advice.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

So, so sorry you're here  it's especially awful that he did this again, after seeing how much it hurt you the first time. That alone says a lot about him.

What's your plan in terms of boundaries and maintaining your resolve for the next 6 months?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Thanks yet again for the coherent responses, they really do offer some clarity which is so very needed right now.

Matt - not totally sure what you are referring to here though ?driving under the influence? , I'm in the uk as you are, he doesn't drink, so I don't get the reference, sorry.


As for a plan, well, I don't really have one as yet, got to work tomorrow etc so I'm focused on that and my boys. Day to day, the plan will come. And yes, I am strong, thank you, you're right. But right now I'm not so tough. Am hoping that over the next few days time will help me regroup and sort that plan out.

God, you lot are good though, huge thanks x x x


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

messeduplady said:


> Almost three years since my *husband confessed to an EA.* In brief; both of us had counselling, together and alone, transparency 100%, told me everything - that wasn't nice but needed doing.
> 
> Well, that's pretty much it, what can I say? I don't know what to do, please help me. Please.


MUL,

Did you lay down the "law" the 1st time. The EA was probably much more, but that doesn't matter now. Look, I'm all about 1st chances (I did in a big way). 2nd time around (no way in Hell). 

Time to Lawyer up, protect yourself and children.


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## stevend1961 (Feb 5, 2011)

Dump him, he is being unfaithful to you and your marriage. Obviously he cannot and will not be faithful to you, been down that road , and they never change. You deserve better than that , kissing and doing other things is not just and emotional affair its an affair period, unfaithfulness, do not forgive him and move on. He cant stop because he doesnt want to stop. Never mind how you look, he married you , gave his vows to you not to every mary jean and jane that walks by.


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