# I don't know what to do anymore



## lostsoul1212 (May 30, 2013)

My hubby and I have been together 4 years. In the last few months I have noticed that when he speaks to me he speaks like I am his worst enemy....he's very rude, ignorant, and cold....he has started telling me, on a daily basis that I better never tell him what to do (which I have never done because I know how rude and grumpy he could be) because I dont own him.... i asked him why he always says that and he replied "cuz you don't"...I asked him to please stop saying that as I dont like it and he gave me the silent treatment....We have never had an argument as i have learnt to bite my tongue but now it is getting worse,...when he is good, its good, but when he is in his "MOOD" which is all the time lately, its awful....Ever since we have started living together, in my home, he has never paid a single dime to hep with expenses and I thought it would've changed after marriage but it didn't. He never discusses big purchases like boats, trucks, atv purchases with me, he just comes home and has new things. He decided to sell our summer cottage and buy a travelling rv but now blames me for the cottage being gone. He has even chosen where we will now be camping without me even having a say....he did ask me where I wanted the rv to be parked on our camp lot and when I answered him, he parked it on the other side. I am not a confrontational person, i refuse to argue and I am scared to ask him to talk about it as i have tried once and i only got the silent treatment for 4 days and was walking on eggshells in my own home due to it...does anybody have suggestions on what i should do? There are many other things but i am trying to keep it short


----------



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

This is abuse. If you don't have kids, I'd find a way to leave/divorce/get out of there. If you have kids, I'd say MC first and if he refuses then you know your answer. You deserve to be happy and not live in fear.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

And exactly what is in this relationship for you? I honestly can't see anything.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I agree with yellowstar.

This is abuse and you need to end the relationship. He'll get all nicey nice when you state it, but this has become a toxic relationship and you need to look out for your safety as well as emotional health.


----------



## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

I've read a lot of books on the subject and the two books that I thought were the best are:

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

Before reading these books I was stumbling in the dark, hurt and confused and trying to make sense of things. They gave me incredible clarity and allowed me to step back from the emotional BS of it all, deconstruct what was going on, see the patterns, the triggers, and the underlying thoughts behind the abuse. Personally, I've found this knowledge extremely positive and empowering.

Good luck.


----------



## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

Exactly as everyone has said, you deserve to be happy. Tell him flat out how you feel and put your foot down hard. Tell him that you are filing for a D if things do not change right now.


----------



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

lostsoul, you said the keywords here - "walking on eggshells." it's hard to tell (though I have my suspicions) from your short post, but he may have borderline personality disorder (BPD). Look for posts by Uptown, specificially, "my list of hell." he was married to a BPD woman. if you are confused by his initial charm, that is a characteristic of BPD people.

I agree with everyone above. what he is doing is outrageous, unacceptable, disrespectful, and driving you crazy - blaming you for things that he did, not paying a dime yet buys himself big toys, making major decisions without you, asking for your opinion then doing the opposite. this isn't the guy you thought you were marrying. he has changed into an ugly person and is NOT NICE to you.

only you can decide how much of this abuse you can take. Don't let your self esteem fall so low that you don't have the strength, wherewithal, stamina and self-respect to leave. do it before you are a shell of a woman.


----------



## lostsoul1212 (May 30, 2013)

Thanks for all the info and help....I have been reading the book "stop walking on eggshells"...it does sound like he has BPD but I am not going to jump the gun. He has many similar traits. I am so lost as to what to do. I try to be very supportive. I praise him for everything he does, try to break the ice. Take the blame although I know I did no wrong. What bothers me the most is the part of him not including me (and quite frankly telling me straight out) that I have NO say in any decisions regarding big purchases. He says he will decide for himself, for example...the topic of the RV again. He hates the one HE purchased, complains about it all the time, my sister kindly reminded him yesterday that HE purchased it so why is he complaining, BUT he changed it around and said he had to because I wanted one. Did not deal with the topic at hand of him choosing the RV just straight to its my fault. Then he says he is going to go get another one, and he will pick the one he wants, I said well I am going with you as I am your wife and have a say and he replied, "you have F*&^ ALL to do with it, I'm going to chose the one I want"....my sister and brother in law sat there with a look of shock, I didn't know if I should respond, cry, laugh. Had no clue...I really need direction on what to do here. I am so lost. I don't know anymore.


----------



## lostsoul1212 (May 30, 2013)

I also wanted to add we both enjoy fishing and hunting. This past weekend, we went fishing as we do every weekend, I purposely have to NOT catch fish as if I catch more than him he pouts, and if he catches more than me, he rubs it in my face for days and days. I would NOT dare do that to him or I would get the silent treatment for days on end.....same for hunting. The same goes if we are playing cards or any games, I purposely lose so I don't have to deal with the pouting or silent treatment. But I have to take the ridicule from him, and I do with a smile and ignore it.....It's not the fact that I lost that bothers me, its the ridicule, he just goes on and on and on about it. I finally told him last night to give it up with the catching fish thing as I could no longer take it. And if I do end up catching fish (which like I stated try very hard not too) he gets mad, he blames me catching more fish on him having to drive the boat, have to do everything, so I suggested once that I am capable of driving it so let me and he said no...Well there we go, offer a suggestion and he refuses to do it....SO VERY MIXED UP...IT'S REALLY A LOSE LOSE SITUATION. I know its quick to say to leave him, but I already have had a failed marriage and am trying so hard to stick with this one, but its nearly impossible.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What you think or say or do is apparently not very important to him. Doesn't sound like much of a marriage now does it?


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

lostsoul1212 said:


> I also wanted to add we both enjoy fishing and hunting. This past weekend, we went fishing as we do every weekend, I purposely have to NOT catch fish as if I catch more than him he pouts, and if he catches more than me, he rubs it in my face for days and days. I would NOT dare do that to him or I would get the silent treatment for days on end.....same for hunting. The same goes if we are playing cards or any games, I purposely lose so I don't have to deal with the pouting or silent treatment. But I have to take the ridicule from him, and I do with a smile and ignore it.....It's not the fact that I lost that bothers me, its the ridicule, he just goes on and on and on about it. I finally told him last night to give it up with the catching fish thing as I could no longer take it. And if I do end up catching fish (which like I stated try very hard not too) he gets mad, he blames me catching more fish on him having to drive the boat, have to do everything, so I suggested once that I am capable of driving it so let me and he said no...Well there we go, offer a suggestion and he refuses to do it....SO VERY MIXED UP...IT'S REALLY A LOSE LOSE SITUATION. I know its quick to say to leave him, but I already have had a failed marriage and am trying so hard to stick with this one, but its nearly impossible.


A husband that loves his wife does not treat her with ridicule and disrespect... Neither does a wife either.

One of the first things I look for in a couple is mutual respect. The lack of it indicates a marriage in trouble. One I don't want to get too close too. I don't like being around conflict. It just wears me out.


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

lostsoul1212 said:


> I thought it would've changed after marriage but it didn't.


Oh dear.

This is the most important matter for your future: taking people as they are and not ignoring the red flags.

You've engineered yourself into a relationship with a disordered person and are trying to work yourself to death in making a go of it.

The games, the hunting and fishing examples - these alone are enough to see what a loser this guy is. Sheesh. My wife has won $1,700 from me in chess so far this year and when she beats me I just laugh and laugh at how stupid I am to keep underestimating her. Cracks me up.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

lostsoul1212 said:


> It does sound like he has BPD but I am not going to jump the gun. He has many similar traits.


LostSoul, I agree with IsGirl that several of the behaviors you describe -- the temper tantrums, low self-esteem, verbal abuse, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic traits of BPD. I caution, however, that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if he is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means we all have the traits to some degree. 

At issue, then, is NOT whether your H has BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether he has such _strong_ and _persistent_ traits that he is exhibiting strong aspects of the disorder, if not the full-blown disorder itself. 

With regard to the _persistence_ of his traits, I note that the traits of a BPDer do not lie hidden for years at a time. Generally, the only time that they fully disappear is during the courtship period, when the BPDer's infatuation over you will hold his two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. As soon as the infatuation evaporates -- typically after 3 to 6 months -- the fears return and you will start triggering his anger and fears.

It therefore is hard to reconcile his having a lifetime pattern of strong BPD traits with your statement that _"In the last few months I have noticed that when he speaks to me he speaks like I am his worst enemy."_ That language seems to imply that strong occurrences of his BPD traits were first seen only a few months ago. On the other hand, your statement that _"we have never had an argument as i have learnt to bite my tongue"_ seems to imply he also was abusive earlier in the marriage.

Significantly, if you are actually married to a BPDer, you would not have had 4 blissful years followed by a few months of abusive behavior. For this reason, I ask whether you recall seeing strong occurrences of BPD traits -- starting right after the wedding, if not sooner? 

As to the _strength_ of his BPD traits, I cannot know how strong they are. After all, I've never even met the man. I nonetheless am confident that you will be able to spot any and all strong occurrences when you take a little time to learn what red flags to be looking for. There is nothing subtle about traits such as temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and very controlling behavior.


> when he is good, its good, but when he is in his "MOOD" which is all the time lately, its awful....


BPDers typically do not treat you wonderfully well for four years and then switch to treating you badly thereafter. Rather, because they are emotionally unstable, they typically alternate between Jekyll and Hyde, i.e., between loving you and devaluing you. 

When they are behaving good, they are very VERY good. And when they are behaving badly, they are atrocious to be around. At issue, then, is whether your H has exhibited this sort of moodiness -- i.e., this instability -- over the past four years? If not, you likely are describing narcissistic traits, not BPD traits, because NPDers typically are very stable individuals.


> He has started telling me, on a daily basis that I better never tell him what to do.


If he has strong BPD traits, he has such a fragile sense of who he is that he has a strong desire to have a wife with a strong personality -- to help center and ground him. Yet, when he gets exactly that, he will have an intense feeling that he somehow is being controlled. This is the result of his having a fragile sense of self, which results in a great fear of engulfment (by the other person's personality). It therefore is common for BPDer to continually complain that his partner is trying to control him or tell him what to do.

My BPDer exW, for example, was always convinced that I made ALL the important decisions and that she had no effect on anything. If I surprised her with an unexpected gift, she resented the fact that I had been the one to pick it out. Yet, if I asked her what she wanted and then bought exactly what she said, she resented the fact that I had been the one to decide when to make the purchase.

Moreover, if I gave her a sum of money every month to go buy whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it, she resented that I had been the one to control the allowance she was getting -- never mind that we regularly spent 4 or 5 times as much on her as on me. In this way, it is impossible to appease or satisfy the bottomless needs of a BPDer.


> He says he will decide for himself, for example...the topic of the RV again. He hates the one HE purchased....BUT he changed it around and said he had to because I wanted one.


Likewise, my exW loved every new purchase for a brief period of up to two weeks. After that, it was always the wrong color, wrong size, or wrong shape. And it was always MY fault even though she was making the selections. We spent $6,000, for example, on a series of four sewing machines, none of which she would use. Each machine was more expensive than the last. 

When she bought the third and most expensive machine, I asked her why she hated it and refused to use it like the previous two machines. It was MY fault, she claimed. I asked how that could be, given that she had full latitude to pick out whatever machine she had wanted. 

She responded that she really had not purchased her first choice because it was more expensive and she feared my reaction if she had spent that much money. Amazingly, she truly believed this. And, of course, it was my fault too that she had spent another $5,000 on fabric that she never used. Similarly, it was my fault that I bought a $3,500 piano that, in three years' time, she had played for less than five hours.


> I really need direction on what to do here. I am so lost. I don't know anymore.


If you actually have been living with a BPDer for four years, consider yourself very lucky that you only feel "lost." It is common for the abused partners of BPDers to feel like they are going crazy. Indeed, of the 157 disorders in the diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. To a lesser extent, narcissists and sociopaths also can have that effect on their partners.

If you have not already done so, I suggest you read my description of BPD traits at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. And, if you have time to answer the two questions I pose above, I would be glad to discuss those issues too. Take care, LostSoul.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lostsoul1212 said:


> I also wanted to add we both enjoy fishing and hunting. This past weekend, we went fishing as we do every weekend, I purposely have to NOT catch fish as if I catch more than him he pouts, and if he catches more than me, he rubs it in my face for days and days. I would NOT dare do that to him or I would get the silent treatment for days on end.....same for hunting. The same goes if we are playing cards or any games, I purposely lose so I don't have to deal with the pouting or silent treatment. But I have to take the ridicule from him, and I do with a smile and ignore it.....It's not the fact that I lost that bothers me, its the ridicule, he just goes on and on and on about it. I finally told him last night to give it up with the catching fish thing as I could no longer take it. And if I do end up catching fish (which like I stated try very hard not too) he gets mad, he blames me catching more fish on him having to drive the boat, have to do everything, so I suggested once that I am capable of driving it so let me and he said no...Well there we go, offer a suggestion and he refuses to do it....SO VERY MIXED UP...IT'S REALLY A LOSE LOSE SITUATION. I know its quick to say to leave him, but I already have had a failed marriage and am trying so hard to stick with this one, but its nearly impossible.


This is not a marriage. This is absurd. My thought in regards to the situations you mentioned here, is that instead of pulling back and letting him "win", you should do your best to kick his ass in everything you do, and be a really, really obnoxious winner...throw it in his face, be loud, say youre the greatest! Bullies back down when they are confronted or bested. He seems to be a combo of bully and baby. I am picturing him literally stomping his feet and holding his breath.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Marriage is supposed to have love and respect. I am seeing none of these in your posts. From what I can tell, you are getting nothing positive from this union. You are not going to change him. My suggestion is to start looking for that inner strength inside yourself, and get working on a plan to get this man out of your house and out of your life. This is what you can look forward to for the next 30 years if you dont.


----------



## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Sadly I am in the same type of relationship with my husband as you  I don't know what to do either and we have two kids so it is even harder for me to figure it out.


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

TinyGirl said:


> Sadly I am in the same type of relationship with my husband as you  I don't know what to do either and we have two kids so it is even harder for me to figure it out.


I'm wondering if your husband thinks he has you trapped with those kids and all.

You have to put up with it because you can't afford to leave. 

I absolutely hate people who believe, "if you have someone by the balls and you don't sqeeze... you're a freaking idiot!" My wife's ex is like that. He's a policeman to boot. 

If you think that might be the case. I'd call that bluff. Separate from him and make him think you're leaving him and taking every dime he has. Be strong and don't give in. Press him all the way to the wall. If he sucks up and you reconcile. I'd make sure he knows he's on a short leash. 

No one should put up with that sort of abuse.

Staying in it is teaching your children the wrong lesson. Teaching boys to disrespect their wives and teaching daughters that they are powerless and worthless.

I don't like to see people or animals abused.


----------



## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

If I were to even try to leave he would flip a lid. He always says that if I leave and take the car that he will report me for grand theft auto because the car is in his name. He says I can take the kids and walk the 400+ milea to my parents house. Calls me the worst names in the book...does many more things. I don't have my own money so I can't do much


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

TinyGirl said:


> If I were to even try to leave he would flip a lid. He always says that if I leave and take the car that he will report me for grand theft auto because the car is in his name. He says I can take the kids and walk the 400+ milea to my parents house. Calls me the worst names in the book...does many more things. I don't have my own money so I can't do much


I feel for you. 

Would your parents come get you? OR, would they send you enough money to rent a car and drive there? 

Or, reach out to women's shelters? Do you attend church?

No one should have to suffer the kind of abuse you are suffering.

I'm sure there are people on this forum that can give you more advise than I can.


----------



## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

They both work a lot so I wouldn't know if they would be able to. And I'm sure they'd send money if they could spare it. I also have a dog that I absolutely will not leave without so I have to consider him too. I just feel like I've tried as hard as I can


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lostsoul1212 said:


> My hubby and I have been together 4 years. In the last few months I have noticed that when he speaks to me he speaks like I am his worst enemy....he's very rude, ignorant, and cold....he has started telling me, on a daily basis that I better never tell him what to do (which I have never done because I know how rude and grumpy he could be) because I dont own him.... i asked him why he always says that and he replied "cuz you don't"...I asked him to please stop saying that as I dont like it and he gave me the silent treatment....We have never had an argument as i have learnt to bite my tongue but now it is getting worse,...when he is good, its good, but when he is in his "MOOD" which is all the time lately, its awful....Ever since we have started living together, in my home, he has never paid a single dime to hep with expenses and I thought it would've changed after marriage but it didn't. He never discusses big purchases like boats, trucks, atv purchases with me, he just comes home and has new things. He decided to sell our summer cottage and buy a travelling rv but now blames me for the cottage being gone. He has even chosen where we will now be camping without me even having a say....he did ask me where I wanted the rv to be parked on our camp lot and when I answered him, he parked it on the other side. I am not a confrontational person, i refuse to argue and I am scared to ask him to talk about it as i have tried once and i only got the silent treatment for 4 days and was walking on eggshells in my own home due to it...does anybody have suggestions on what i should do? There are many other things but i am trying to keep it short



You poor dear! This is no way to treat someone you love! This is no way to treat an employee, nor someone you don't really like! This is abuse, nothing less. This will not change, no matter how submissively you give in to him whims. He will always find some irrational reason to put you down.

Uptown has already provided you with excellent information and I sincerely hope you follow his advice, reach out to family and prepare an escape plan.

You Are Not Safe With This Man!!!!! He doesn't see you as a person, but as his property. Don't keep minimizing his abuse, recognize it for what it is. You must get out as soon as possible!

Please post back with plans you have made to get out safely?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

TinyGirl said:


> They both work a lot so I wouldn't know if they would be able to. And I'm sure they'd send money if they could spare it. I also have a dog that I absolutely will not leave without so I have to consider him too. I just feel like I've tried as hard as I can


Goodness gracious! If you see your husband the same way lostsoul does, then you must get yourself to safety too!

I get your concerns over your dog. Contact your local dog shelter, tell them you are in an abusive home situation and you are trying to make plans to get out safely. Tell them you need a back up plan for your dog, in case you are unable to get out quickly WITH your dog. Ask them if they have a foster home available to take your dog temporarily, until you can secure a safe place to include your dog. There are networks of foster homes all over the country! Emails get sent out and people DO step up and agree to home a dog temporarily for all sorts of situations. If you can offer some money to offset the cost of food, this might be helpful too.

This may take a week or more of phone calls and emails. But it can be done.

If money is an issue, call your local Emergency Room and get information for the closest women's shelter. From there, you will get information for legal help, housing help and employment help. They even have programs for donating cars.

Start documenting his abusive comments and his controlling ways. Document any threats he makes, even veiled threats.

Begin making calls and making plans. Do not let him find out what you are doing!

Please post back with plans you are making or have made?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lostsoul and TinyGirl,

If you are married, it doesn't matter if the car is in your name or his name, they are marital assets and you cannot be charged with theft if you use the car in his name to leave him. So that was a totally empty threat not backed up by law.

From WomensLaw.org | Financial Abuse

What are some financial protections I can take if I am getting to ready to leave an abusive relationship?

One thing to think about if you are trying to leave an abusive relationship is trying to get access to personal and financial records. Do you know where financial records are kept? Do you have safe access to them? If so, you might want to think about making copies of those records and putting them in a safe place, where the abuser won't know about (but that you can easily get to quickly if you have to leave). You may want to think about getting a bank safe deposit box as a safe place to put these records. If you can afford one, it can be handy. 

Some things you may want to keep a copy of include:

1.birth certificates and Social Security cards for your whole family;
2. insurance cards for your whole family;
3. copies of your checking account, savings account, and credit card numbers;
4. copies of any stock or mutual fund records;
5. loan/mortgage information;
6. your most recent credit report;
7. tax returns for the past two years;
8. car title;
9. deed to your house or your rental lease;
10. retirement plan statements; and
11. photos of your family's most valuable assets (e.g., nice cars, expensive jewelry, anything you think is worth a fair amount of money).

If you think the abuser will not notice, you may try to take the original copies of these documents. However, if there's a chance the abuser would notice, which could put you in danger, you may just take copies of these documents.

If you can, you may also try to find out:
-How much the abuser earns (including salary, bonuses, money s/he gets from any rental properties). A good place to look may be last year's tax return;
-How much money is in all accounts: savings, checking, investments, retirement accounts; and
-How much money is owed on credit cards, the mortgage, car, etc.

These financial records and information can be very important in a divorce or child support case to make sure you get a fair divorce settlement and financial support.


----------



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I hear you that you were in one failed marriage so you want to make this one work, but when you are dealing with someone who sounds as emotionally unstable and manipulative as your husband, there is nothing that you can do, no amount of love or tolerance, that can help him.

It must kill your family to see you being treated this way. It is not how you treat a friend, and definately not how you treat a spouse. Does he have these fits when he goes fishing with friends, or just you are subject to his outbursts of immaturity followed by the silent treatment?

There are only two ways that this can go, since I do not believe your H will change - you can either totally accept this wacky right is wrong and wrong is right manipulative situation where you have to totally change your mindset (which you can't since you are normal) to go with the flow of his moods and brush it off with no resentment, or you have to leave him and understand that you did not fail, but that you are not a skilled therapist who can save him. Although you think you have failed if you leave him, you will fail yourself if you stay with him. No one deserves to be treated this way. There is nothing that you possibly could have done in this life to deserve this treatment. Save yourself years and years of heartache. You are the victim of verbal and emotional abuse from this man. It is not a failure to leave this situation but emancipation. good luck.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So he disrespects you, is rude to you, ignores you, mistreats you, doesn't help out financially, makes large purchases w/o telling you, and blames you for his behavior...

I am guessing you I knew he was like this before? 

These types rarely get better.

He sounds emotionally abusive. My ex did all of the things yours does and I can assure you, it only got worse over time. No counselling or talking about it helped because he refused to acknowledge he was being rude, etc and refused to own anything he did. 

Put your foot down and stop biting your tongue. Unless you want the same to happen. Let him know you are not going o be treated like this then follow through with actions.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TinyGirl said:


> If I were to even try to leave he would flip a lid. He always says that if I leave and take the car that he will report me for grand theft auto because the car is in his name. He says I can take the kids and walk the 400+ milea to my parents house. Calls me the worst names in the book...does many more things. I don't have my own money so I can't do much


Why are you tolerating this? 

My ex also told me that I was not "allowed" to leave him. I waited for him to go to work the day I moved out. Like he said you do n't own him, he doesn't own you. 

Leave w/o the car.

Please get a job or a way to support yourself financially.

Let me guess... he was super charming when you first started dating? Maybe a little overboard?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Urban said:


> I've read a lot of books on the subject and the two books that I thought were the best are:
> 
> *Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men *by Lundy Bancroft


Yes!! Read this book. You can get it at your library for free!

Emotional abuse:

Signs of Emotional Abuse | World of Psychology

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201302/emotional-abuse

Portrait of an Emotional Abuser: The Silent Treatment Abuser - Dr. Gregory Jantz's Blog - Edmonds, WA Patch


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TinyGirl said:


> If I were to even try to leave he would flip a lid. He always says that if I leave and take the car that he will report me for grand theft auto because the car is in his name. He says I can take the kids and walk the 400+ milea to my parents house. Calls me the worst names in the book...does many more things. I don't have my own money so I can't do much


So he's threatening you with nonsense. You are his wife. While the car might be in his name, you are half owner of it because you are married.

Your husband is not going to change. So you have two choices... 

1) Stay and just live like this. If you choose to stay you are no longer a victim because you choose to stay. You are a participant in the abuse of yourself and your children.

2) Leave and stop putting up with this abuse. 

which are you going to do? 

My suggestion is that you leave this abusive man.

If you do not have the strength to leave, then do what you need to do to build the strength. Get counseling at an place that provides support for abused women.

They can most likely find an attorney who can advise you on your rights. You can file for interim child and spousal support until the divorce is final. If you don't have job skills see about getting into an education program that will give you job skills.

For your mental and physical health you need to leave this abusive man.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lostsoul1212 said:


> My hubby and I have been together 4 years. In the last few months I have noticed that when he speaks to me he speaks like I am his worst enemy....he's very rude, ignorant, and cold....he has started telling me, on a daily basis that I better never tell him what to do (which I have never done because I know how rude and grumpy he could be) because I dont own him.... i asked him why he always says that and he replied "cuz you don't"...I asked him to please stop saying that as I dont like it and he gave me the silent treatment....We have never had an argument as i have learnt to bite my tongue but now it is getting worse,...when he is good, its good, but when he is in his "MOOD" which is all the time lately, its awful....Ever since we have started living together, in my home, he has never paid a single dime to hep with expenses and I thought it would've changed after marriage but it didn't. He never discusses big purchases like boats, trucks, atv purchases with me, he just comes home and has new things. He decided to sell our summer cottage and buy a travelling rv but now blames me for the cottage being gone. He has even chosen where we will now be camping without me even having a say....he did ask me where I wanted the rv to be parked on our camp lot and when I answered him, he parked it on the other side. I am not a confrontational person, i refuse to argue and I am scared to ask him to talk about it as i have tried once and i only got the silent treatment for 4 days and was walking on eggshells in my own home due to it...does anybody have suggestions on what i should do? There are many other things but i am trying to keep it short


Please see my post to TinyGirl above. What I wrote to her applies to you as well.

Further...

Your husband is putting you in financial jeopardy by not helping with the bills and spending "his" money on big purchases.

Did he pay cash for the RV or put in on a loan? How will he pay for a new one? If he's getting any loans then you are as responsible for paying them off as he is. So he's putting you in financial jeopardy.

Your husband is not going to change. What you see is what you get. Is this really the life you want? 

You said that he'd throw a fit if you left him. Do you really care if he throws a fit? Will he get physically violent if you tell him to leave and file for divorce? 

You need to start developing a plan to divorce him. How are you planning to do this? Have you seen an attorney to find out your rights?


----------



## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Thank you for your support everyone. I am first going to look into some counseling for myself first and then hopefully he will agree to go as well. I guess I am afraid of what he could do if I were to take the kids and leave. Yes he did use to be really nice and charming and then kinda snapped I guess you could say. I could go on about things he's done but I won't say them here. 

I want to be strong for my kids but it just isn't easy. I want to do all that I can before I call it quits.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

TinyGirl said:


> Thank you for your support everyone. I am first going to look into some counseling for myself first and then hopefully he will agree to go as well. I guess I am afraid of what he could do if I were to take the kids and leave. Yes he did use to be really nice and charming and then kinda snapped I guess you could say. I could go on about things he's done but I won't say them here.
> 
> I want to be strong for my kids but it just isn't easy. I want to do all that I can before I call it quits.


I'm so glad EleGirl found this thread. She knows what she talking about!!!

Yes, get into therapy but don't try to bring him in. not until you've had several sessions and your therapist agrees that this might be a positive thing. I'm afraid it will set him off, thinking you are talking to someone about him. It would be best if you didn't even tell him about therapy unless you absolutely have to.

In the meantime, gather those papers list above and make copies. keep them safe, maybe at a trusted friends house or mail the set of copies to a relatives house.

What we find as that as this issue of potential leaving comes out, the abusers becomes even more abusive and controlling. that is why it is best to get out first, then work on the relationship later. safety first, last and always.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lostsoul, where are you today? How are you and what is going on?

You know we are worried so please post updates?


----------



## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

I hope she's ok too.


----------



## lostsoul1212 (May 30, 2013)

Good morning my friends, I am here and fine, thank you for the caring, I was very busy with work yesterday and apologize for making you's worry. I will be back on in a little while, have to finish up a few things at work then will answer a few of Uptown's questions. xoxo


----------



## lostsoul1212 (May 30, 2013)

Good morning Uptown. In regards to your 1st question, now that I really think hard about it all, he did have some traits the first 2 years of our relationship but I always and did til a few months ago think it was due to him being a "hothead" and a "grumpy" person period. It did however start getting worse after our wedding 2 years ago. Not crazy severe like it has been since probably October of last year when I started noticing it more, but the signs sure were there. I know for a fact I ignored or maybe I should say turned a blind eye to most of it. I was speaking to my mother about it and she said she did notice how strangely and "odd" he was acting but never wanted to talk to me about it as she did not want to upset me or she didn't want me to think she was sticking her nose where it didn't belong or she didn't want me to think she disliked him or want to talk badly of him. I started "noticing" or "opening my eyes" last summer when I broke my foot doing home renos with him. He sent me to the hospital on my own and told me to stop whining as it was my left foot so I was good to drive myself there as he had no time as I had MADE him do the renos. That is when I kinda started noticing how "un-sympathetic" he was. But then it was OK for awhile...Mood swings, grumpiness, rudeness, ignorance and arrogance were gone for the moment UNTIL my 3 year old nephew was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer. My time, my energy and my money was spent on wanting to be there for my nephew and my family, many out of town trips (12 hour drives, one way)to where my nephew was being treated for his cancer, by myself as he never wanted to come with me. Complaining if I cried at night as we were told the child's chance of survival was approximately 46% with a bone marrow transplant. That is what I mean when I say past few months, since last October. I wanted to be there for my nephew just in case something bad were to happen to the little fella. (just to let you know, he has had his bone marrow transplant and defied all odds and is now in remission). That is when I "clearly" started to see ALL things that were happening and how worse they were getting. When I said I learnt to bite my tongue, it is because I did see him get angry with a few people at the beginning of the relationship and when I seen his reaction with them, I quickly figured, "OOH I will not step on his toes" so I just didn't add fuel to the fire or give him reasons to be like that with me. As for your 2nd question, he has since I first met him, always been a purchaser of expensive "boy toys" but never to this extent. I shrugged that off as just being a "boy".. he has always been grumpy but like I said I just turned a blind eye to it. He was very rude to people, not just me, I realized that he does go in spurts of getting along with his family, then he has a hate on for them and months later he is good again. I just figured it was because they had an argument or something and he didn't tell me (as he barely tells me anything) but come to find out, they have no clue as to why he isn't talking to them. My momma made me realize many things the other night while speaking to her about your post. She said it's always been like that, not as bad it has been lately, but close to it and I was just bling or ignorant to it all as I so desperately want a "perfect marriage" which of course she reminded it sure is not


----------



## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Our situations are so similar  if you want to message me please feel free to. Maybe we can be of a good support to each other


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Often BPD and Narcissistic Personality Disorder go together. As far as I know, though, my ex is only NPD so I don't have any personal knowledge of the symptoms but he does sound an awful lot like NPD as well - the sense of entitlement and superiority exhibited. You might want to look into that. NPD is basically non-curable. Getting a narcissist to admit they need help is futile - they are perfect so how could THEY need to change?  BPD is treatable from what I've heard. 

I suggest you see a counselor to help you understand what is going on here so you can learn to deal with him or decide to get out.


----------



## lostsoul1212 (May 30, 2013)

Thank you Enjoli, I will definitely check into that as well. I really feel the need to have some answers or some sort of clarity on the situation


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The dx really doesn't matter because it's not fixable. He is not going to become a loving husband who cares about your needs.

Stop thinking about what could be wrong with him and start thinking about getting hell out!


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

lostsoul1212 said:


> Now that I really think hard about it all, he did have some traits the first 2 years of our relationship but I always and did til a few months ago think it was due to him being a "hothead" and a "grumpy" person period.


LostSoul, because I've never met your H, I cannot tell you whether he has had strong or persistent traits. Rather, all I can do is to help you understand what BPD traits (i.e., symptoms) to be looking for. I am confident that anyone who has been living with a partner for 3 or 4 years -- as you have been -- is capable of spotting strong occurrences of BPD traits. As I said earlier, there is nothing subtle about them.


> It did however start getting worse after our wedding 2 years ago.


If he has strong BPD traits, this is to be expected. BPDer relationships typically go over a cliff right after the wedding, if not before. That is exactly what happened in my marriage too, starting the morning after the wedding.


> Not crazy severe like it has been since probably October of last year when I started noticing it more, but the signs sure were there. I know for a fact I ignored or maybe I should say turned a blind eye to most of it.


Again, I cannot help you in assessing the severity of his BPD traits because I've never met the man. Everyone occassionally exhibits the BPD traits throughout adulthood. Because you yourself exhibit these traits, you already know what they feel like and what they look like. You therefore should be capable of spotting strong occurrences of these traits whenever they occur -- and be able to recognize that they are at a normal, moderate, or strong level.


> I did see him get angry with a few people at the beginning of the relationship....


If he is a high functioning BPDer, he likely gets along quite well with business associates, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those folks poses a threat to a BPDer's two great fears (abandonment and engulfment). This is why it is common for a BPDer to treat strangers with compassion and politeness all day long -- and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love him.


> As for your 2nd question, he has since I first met him, always been a purchaser of expensive "boy toys" but never to this extent.


My 2nd question (para. 8 of my post above) asks whether he has exhibited emotional instability -- i.e., moodiness triggered by minor things you say or do -- all through the marriage. My BPDer exW, for example, would start fights (over nothing at all) every two or three weeks. 

I ask about this because one of the hallmarks of BPDer behavior is the unending cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back. In contrast, narcissists typically are emotionally stable and not impulsive like the BPDers. I therefore am trying to help you distinguish between these two types of dysfunctional behavior.

If your H has strong BPD traits, you likely would have noticed that the very worst fights typically occur immediately after the very best of times, e.g., a very intimate evening or great weekend spent together. Such intimacy makes a BPDer feel very engulfed and suffocated. The usual result is that his subconscious mind will project bad thoughts or feelings onto you. His conscious mind therefore will be absolutely convinced that you are the source of his discomfort and pain. I describe this process in more detail at the post I provide a link for above.


> I realized that he does go in spurts of getting along with his family, then he has a hate on for them and months later he is good again.... they have no clue as to why he isn't talking to them.


You are describing what is called "black-white thinking." We all do it to some degree. At low levels, this all-or-nothing thinking is actually protective and is essential to our survival. This is why, whenever we experience intense feelings, our minds are hard-wired to switch into B-W thinking mode -- with the result that our judgment goes out the window until we have time to cool down. Of course, this is why we try to keep our mouths shut when we are very angry -- and why we usually wait at least a year before buying the ring when we are very infatuated.

Your B-W thinking will be very evident, for example, when you are in a crosswalk and suddenly look up to see a truck bearing down on you. In that instant, your mind is capable of thinking only "jump left" or "jump right." With your H, however, he will shift into B-W thinking at slight provocation. A truck is not required.

Hence, if he is a BPDer, he will categorize everyone as "all good" (i.e., "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "against me"). And he will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just a few seconds -- based on only a minor infraction or trivial comment. A BPDer does this because, lacking an integrated sense of who he is, he becomes extremely uncomfortable whenever he experiences ambiguities, uncertainties, mixed feelings, or other grey areas. 

With personal relationships, BPDers eliminate all the grey areas. They do this by shoehorning everyone into a white box or black box. My exW and her two sisters, for example, would be best of friends for many months and then -- for the most minor of reasons -- would not speak to each other for 4 or 5 months. Then, in a few seconds, they would suddenly flip back to being best of friends. I mention this because it is the type of behavior you are observing between your H and his family members.

My exW once told me that, with her older sister, she could tell her a joke 8 times and every time she would laugh. Then, when telling her the very same joke a ninth time, the sister would get furious and stop speaking to her for months. The irony, of course, was that my exW was the same way but lacked the self awareness to see it in herself. With BPDers, you never know for sure what will trigger the next release of their anger.


----------

