# How to Catch an Underground Cheater...Or AM I just crazy?



## 4myson (Jul 17, 2013)

I woke up at 6:30 yesterday morning and not long after waking I heard the buzz buzz that I usually hear when I get a text and my phone is on vibrate. I checked my phone and no message. Not long after I heard it again, in the same amount of time mine usually goes off as a reminder if I haven't checked the text. Again I pick up my phone and nothing. Several minutes later I hear it again and no text. My heart sinks. It sounds like another phone is in the bedroom. Hubby is up watching sports news with his phone in the living room, so wtf? 
We have been in R for a year and 2 months. Done MC, full transparency (that I know of at least) and he says and does everything right as far as I can tell. We had an incident in July where he broke NC with the OW for a 15 minute meeting so he could get something for his friend. I had secret gps on his truck and VAR so I know pretty well that nothing happened, unless it was quick in her car, which is possible of course. But didn't seem so. I confronted him about it and let him know, if I find out he so much as waved at her on the street I am done. And I mean it. 
I held on to my phone and waited for the reminder buzz so I would know for sure if it was my phone. I heard the buzz and it was not my phone. So I started searching. Under the bed, under the mattress, in the pillow case, under the sheet, under the lamp. I heard it again. Still couldn't find it. So infuriating. I stayed in the room for a half hour waiting and praying it would buzz again so I could find it. I know WH met with OW during the A in the early morning because he's an early riser and I sleep in. Or did before our son was born. So the timing fits with a possible planned meet with OW. Or a request from her. He used to get up at 6:30 and go out about 7 and the first 3 texts were about 6:30 so I waited till 7 and sure enough, it went off again. I kept moving around the room trying to pinpoint where it was coming from. In the middle of two buzzes, WH walks in. Asks me why I'm standing behind the door. I made up an excuse because if there is something going on its underground and I want to find out. I was hoping he'd leave before the reminder buzz so I could keep looking and he wouldn't know I heard it. He didn't. It went off and he asked me who would be texting me so early. He thought it was my phone. When I told him it wasn't he asked what it was then and I think was genuinely confused, but he was an amazing liar during the A (aren't they all) so who knows. I'm sure if he did have a phone in there he didn't know it was on vibrate. He started looking around trying to figure out what it was (or acting that out very well). We are in a basement apartment so I suggested it could be coming from upstairs. Not convinced of that by any means, but don't want him knowing I'm suspicious.
So then the heat comes on and we smell cigarette smoke. We have problems with the people upstairs smoking when they aren't supposed to be. He got mad and started yelling about that and went up to complain, made and huge deal about it. This isn't unusual as he does this whenever they smoke in the house, but I can't help thinking it could've been a distraction.
Unfortunately I also got distracted by the baby at the same time, because I had planned on watching him like a hawk to see if he tried to retrieve a phone. When he showered later I searched the room again and also did a thorough search of his truck. I thought he'd have it there because he doesn't think I have a key to his truck and since I acted very well as if I wasn't suspicious at all he'd be less likely to think I'd take his keys to check. I didn't find a phone or charger anywhere. 
I guess there is some possibility it was a phone from upstairs. The bedroom is directly above ours and I can hear them cough or even clearly hear them speaking at times. I thought for sure I'd find that phone in his truck, if anywhere. If he does have one, vibrate has been turned off for sure. How can I catch him if he's this underground? I have secret gps in his gym bag that he carries pretty much everywhere. I use VARs whenever I think there's something suspicious or just for random checks. I can read all his emails, facebook messages and texts, from my laptop without him knowing. But he does suspect I can because when I first caught him through his texts I quoted it to him. I hadn't found TAM yet so when I saw a text to OW saying "If you want to find a dark spot somewhere I need to know so I can sneak out and get back by 10." I was so livid I texted him that we were done, over and called him all the names that fit. He acted bewildered and like I was crazy (don't they all) and asked where that was coming from. I told him to go to a dark spot and think about it. That spurred several calls to OW, I assume to accuse her of telling me, since he had no idea how I knew. He's made comments that I can probably see all his texts but he doesn't know for sure.
So the point is, if he's doing it, it's going to be hard to catch and I need all the help I can get.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

4myson said:


> I woke up at 6:30 yesterday morning and not long after waking I heard the buzz buzz that I usually hear when I get a text and my phone is on vibrate. I checked my phone and no message. Not long after I heard it again, in the same amount of time mine usually goes off as a reminder if I haven't checked the text. Again I pick up my phone and nothing. Several minutes later I hear it again and no text. My heart sinks. It sounds like another phone is in the bedroom. Hubby is up watching sports news with his phone in the living room, so wtf?
> We have been in R for a year and 2 months. Done MC, full transparency (that I know of at least) and he says and does everything right as far as I can tell. We had an incident in July where he broke NC with the OW for a 15 minute meeting so he could get something for his friend. I had secret gps on his truck and VAR so I know pretty well that nothing happened, unless it was quick in her car, which is possible of course. But didn't seem so. I confronted him about it and let him know, if I find out he so much as waved at her on the street I am done. And I mean it.
> I held on to my phone and waited for the reminder buzz so I would know for sure if it was my phone. I heard the buzz and it was not my phone. So I started searching. Under the bed, under the mattress, in the pillow case, under the sheet, under the lamp. I heard it again. Still couldn't find it. So infuriating. I stayed in the room for a half hour waiting and praying it would buzz again so I could find it. I know WH met with OW during the A in the early morning because he's an early riser and I sleep in. Or did before our son was born. So the timing fits with a possible planned meet with OW. Or a request from her. He used to get up at 6:30 and go out about 7 and the first 3 texts were about 6:30 so I waited till 7 and sure enough, it went off again. I kept moving around the room trying to pinpoint where it was coming from. In the middle of two buzzes, WH walks in. Asks me why I'm standing behind the door. I made up an excuse because if there is something going on its underground and I want to find out. I was hoping he'd leave before the reminder buzz so I could keep looking and he wouldn't know I heard it. He didn't. It went off and he asked me who would be texting me so early. He thought it was my phone. When I told him it wasn't he asked what it was then and I think was genuinely confused, but he was an amazing liar during the A (aren't they all) so who knows. I'm sure if he did have a phone in there he didn't know it was on vibrate. He started looking around trying to figure out what it was (or acting that out very well). We are in a basement apartment so I suggested it could be coming from upstairs. Not convinced of that by any means, but don't want him knowing I'm suspicious.
> So then the heat comes on and we smell cigarette smoke. We have problems with the people upstairs smoking when they aren't supposed to be. He got mad and started yelling about that and went up to complain, made and huge deal about it. This isn't unusual as he does this whenever they smoke in the house, but I can't help thinking it could've been a distraction.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_

Have you thought about hiring a PI? Sounds like you have most if not all the other bases covered. But since you did catch him (the "dark spot" situation you described), what would you do if a PI came up with something? Personally it sounds like the things you have in place are bound to catch him if he communicates with OW via electronic means. I guess you have to decide what you will do with any new info if you come across it, reinforce your boundaries when necessary, etc. 

Have you searched for a burner phone?


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

If you are able to hear the occupants above you cough or sometimes speak, if they had their phone on the floor I could see where you may think it was in your apartment when it would vibrate.


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## 4myson (Jul 17, 2013)

TryingToRecover said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Have you thought about hiring a PI? Sounds like you have most if not all the other bases covered. But since you did catch him (the "dark spot" situation you described), what would you do if a PI came up with something? Personally it sounds like the things you have in place are bound to catch him if he communicates with OW via electronic means. I guess you have to decide what you will do with any new info if you come across it, reinforce your boundaries when necessary, etc.
> 
> Have you searched for a burner phone?


I did contact a PI but unfortunately I can't afford one. A burner phone would be the only way he would communicate with her. I've searched and I will keep searching. Does it ever end when in R? I'm getting tired of having to investigate every time there is something suspicious. If there is anything I will absolutely D. He's had his 3 strikes and I can't do any more. If it was just me I'd have left already I think. But he's been working hard on R on the surface and things are good mostly. I need proof it's fake to uproot the kids and change all of our lives.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Breaking NC in July is a huge red flag. Seriously he needed to get something for a friend. If he were getting that friend a kidney it still would not be reason enough for me. Did he tell you before or did you catch him?

But in answer to your question, in R it's early in the game for your hyper vigilant "watchful waiting" to be near ending. Especially after his big screw up in July. You do have all the right tools set up. That said a burner phone, especially since he knows you are watching is a good bet.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Actually you can decide at any time you are no longer willing to reconcile. No proof of an ongoing affair needed. It's been 14 months since my own dDay and my WS has not since/has not since been caught doing anything I would consider a deal breaker. Bumps in the road? Definitely. If either of us were to decide reconciliation was no longer an option, so be it and we would divorce. My children are grown and on their own so I don't have the same concerns as you do. However, you most certainly do not need proof of a fake reconciliation and/or ongoing affair to leave him if you feel that would be best. Young children are a valid reason to want to try and work things out but they aren't the reason to stay if your WS continues to cheat. Ultimately it would be setting a bad example for the kids.

If a cheater and their AP are determined to continue their affair they are likely to find a way. Work phones, work email, burner phones....he** ...... even pay phones. Never communicating electronically, you name it. I've often wondered about my own WS and his work phone. My employer provides remote access to our voicemail, as does his, but so far I haven't located the call in number for his. To be honest, I haven't looked for it in a long while either. I would then have to guess at his passcode.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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