# Family emergency in the middle of a split- does this change everything?



## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

Oh boy. 
Last night, DH's grandmother had to have an ambulance called, taken to the hospital, transported by ambulance to a better hospital, and have emergency surgery last night for vascular obstructions that could have killed her had grampa not dialed 911.
DH wasn't home when grampa called to say what was going on. We live very close to them, so I rushed over there and called DH on his cell, and he rushed over there too. DH drove grampa to the hospital and then stayed with him all night until three. I went home after they transfered her to the other hospital. 

This happens right as I'm making arrangements to move out of the house. Of course, the grandparents don't know that this is going on with us. 

This is SO hard right now. I looked at him last night and felt SO in love with him. It was like all the bad stuff had melted away and we were a family, all of us. I cried so hard on the way home from the hospital last night. I cried over EVERYTHING. 

I have the landlord of the house I've arranged to move into trying to get me to nail down a date to sign the lease. I still haven't told the kids that we are moving. DH is their step-dad, so I don't even know how to handle it. I think my 14 yo son will be just fine about it, but my daughter might now. DH took her to her first day of school and everything. I don't know how to tell them, and they'll be home from summering with their father SOON. I wanted to have this move done before they got home. 

But now I feel so torn! DH got home in the middle of the night last night and slept in the bed with me, which the night before when I told him I was serious about moving he made me sleep on the couch and said we shouldn't sleep in the same bed anymore if I was moving out. 
He got in the bed and told me what had happened with grandma and hugged me and told me how much he appreciated everything I did to help. We fell asleep in each others arms. 
Then this morning he was affectionate, rubbing my back in the kitchen while we got our coffee. 
But neither of us have said "I love you" since I told him I was moving out. 
This 'moving out' thing has been a while in the works. We have had HUGE fights and he has been emotionally abusive to me for a LONG time. It's not like I sprung it on him out of nowhere two nights ago. 
But I have to say that I am having second thoughts about leaving him and I don't know what to do. I keep having these dreams of us being happy together!
But then I think about all the terrible times and I just don't know what to do. 
The most recent fight was because I switched a weekend with my ex as far as visitation. I told my ex that I didn't think it would be a problem but if it was I'd let him know. 
DH came unglued. He doesn't want me making decisions like that without consulting him first. Well, he wasn't home so I handled it the way I described, thinking that I'd talk to DH about it when he got home and if he had a problem with the schedule for some reason I'd call the ex back and reschedule again. 
But I didn't talk to DH about it FIRST. He says I should tell the ex, "I have to check with DH before I make any changes to the schedule." 
But the last time I did that! I said to the ex, "I'm not sure what we have going on that weekend, I'll get back to you." DH came unglued over that when I did it. He said that if I call back and say I can't take the kids that weekend, it will look like it was HIS fault and HE'D be the a**hole. 
Fights over the kids, and having to do with the ex are never little fights. They escalate and get bad very fast. The schedule change that I made without his 'permission'? Well he told me flat out that the kids were not coming to HIS house that weekend. He didn't have any plans or anything, he was just mad that I changed the schedule. 
It got bad. I threw the contents of two ash trays on him, and he took the TV remote and the computer and locked himself in the bedroom and wouldn't let me in. He said I could sleep on the couch with no TV (Our TV doesn't work without the remote) and no computer. I got into the bedroom with a bobby pin and tried to get the remote from him. I climbed on him and tried to take it out of his hands. He flipped me off him onto the floor. 
Eventually he gave me the remote and made me sleep on the couch. 

That was only a couple days ago, and now after this family crisis thing I am just TORN. 

So first off, am I crazy for having second thought just because of this emotional event? 
And if I DO move out, how do I tell my kids what's going on? 

Sorry this is so long, but I really need someone to talk some sense into me right now.


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

I can understand somewhat of what you're going through. However, the family emergencies occurred, after I moved out. My wife (soon to be xwife), mom had to be admitted to the hospital and almost died...but fortunately got out and is so far doing ok.

My father was admitted to the hospital about 3 days ago. Oddly enough, my wife filed the divorce and went to visit him the same day, because she thinks the world of him.

We tried (over 17 months) to settle our differences, reconcile and get back together, but it didn't work out, so we're getting divorced. That said; I know this is a difficult time and very emotional, BUT; unless the issues are resolved that was the cause of the separation in the first place, then sooner or later, things will be just as they were before and the reconciliation (caused by the family emergency), probably won't last.

I wish you the best during this difficult time and hope everything works out.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I agree with Mailibu... the issues are still there. This alone is not a reason not to do what you were doing. That said, this could cause a softening of the emotions that escalate quickly and cause the fights. If you both share a concern for the family member, this could be common ground to use as an ice breaker. If there is an avenue to discuss the issues that have affected your relationship, this may lead to a sensible exchange of viewpoints. As a first step, that may be all you get out and just let that cook a bit. Then, when you both have a better understanding of each other, maybe you can come to some common ground. For where I am now, I hate to see at least an effort taken to communicate viewpoints and dispell bad assumptions, if that may be where things fell apart. Maybe the issues won't be fixed, but at least the issues could be discussed and not fought over.


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

Ugh. The thing is that we've discussed our to death. We really have talked about all these things SO many times. 
I've posted here before about what our issues are and honestly I don't feel so much like getting into them. 
But the point is this: our relationship problems are pretty cyclical. They get 'resolved' and then pop back up later. Over and over and over. 
My problem right now is that even though I know deep in my heart that we can resolve our issues for now and be happy for a while, our problems will most likely continue under the surface and pop back up later in a knock-down drag-out like we had the other night. 

I feel like I'm addicted to him. I have a basis for this because I've been a smoker for a long time and tried to quit several times using several methods. 
The feeling I have now is much like the feeling I get when I've set a 'quit date' and it's looming near. Anxious, nervous, sad, rationalizing. 

But see, if I 'quit' him, if I move out, I don't know WHAT will happen. At least when I quit smoking I know what to expect. 

I know this sounds petty, but I have to admit part of the reason I have always been hesitant to leave him is because he is so handsome. We have both admitted that we feel that way about each other. I can't imagine ever being with anyone that I will be more physically attracted to than him. 

I'm glad I got that out in the open, but now I feel pathetic about it. How weird and awful is it that I feel that way?


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

"He has been emotionally abusive to me for a LONG time."

No matter how good he looks, he's rotten on the inside. You don't deserve to be abused emotionally under ANY circumstances.


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## Treadingcarefully (Sep 1, 2009)

Well, a few weeks after my wife and I separated (I moved out) she called me, cos our eldest daughter (2 yrs old) had poured a thermos of just boiled water over her chest. 
I was 120 miles away and jumped on the first train home.
The whole way home I was terrified as to how bad it would be.
Got home to find them already back from hospital, so I did some the comforting, and then stayed late to put her to bed (daughter that is). 
Didn't seem to make a dent in the wife's armor. She stayed downstairs the whole time I was reading the bedtime story, even when she heard our daughter laughing cos I couldn't pronounce one of the words (Daughter, of course decided to pick one of the books that was in Polish, which is my wife's first language. I'm a native English speaker, and some of those words are almost painful to pronounce )
I felt rotten that I hadn't been there when it happened, (I never let anything dangerous next to the kids.) and that's when I really felt like a 2 bit part time Dad, but she didn't engage with me at all. Just before I left she said 'thanks for coming'. but that's about it. Nothing about apologising for the events that caused me to leave. 

After I was told about the affair, and we were trying to get back together, she went back to Poland, and had a car crash there, and I flew over two days later, but got a pretty weak hug and not the warmest welcome. (OM didn't make an appearance)

I flew back home again, and bought a replacement car, and then drove that to Poland (almost non-stop) and got a very warm welcome, with a run to the gate and hug, but 30 mins later it was like a memory as she was back into moaning mode. 

So, overall, I wouldn't let the temporary feelings from family crises influence your decision.


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