# Past wrecking new relationship.



## lowbattery (Sep 3, 2013)

Quick history. I was married 12 years and found out wife was having affair. She didn't want to end it so we are now divorced. Divorce was final 4 years ago. I have dated a few ladies and had two longer relationships post marriage. I wasn't really head over heels for either of these two ladies but they were still quality relationships. I am now in a new relationship with a lady I am head over heels for. I'm finding that since I am emotionally involved this time that my "is she cheating" sensors are working overtime. I am constantly worried about her cheating. I have no proof and from everything she says I have nothing to worry about. Her phone sits out unlocked. (even though it's a brand I'm not familiar with using I could open it and read texts at any time, she knows that. I also know that there are numerous other ways to 'chat' with someome through apps) At the same time a crazy overprotective brain can take the littlest things and twist them up. I haven't accused or had a real conversation with her about it because it's in my head. I don't want to even mention it to her because she has done nothing (that I can prove) and from past experiences a cheater won't say "your right, I'm cheating..."

I do really like and care about this woman. I am thinking my fears are self protective and out of place here. Last night (due to drinking also) I suddenly got in my head she was talking/texting someone else on her phone. My thinking brain told me to keep my mouth shut and don't bring it up. I didn't but it put me in such a bad mood I ruined 1/2 the evening because I was going crazy between the ears.

Any advice?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Get into individual counseling right away. You need to address your trust issues before you can ascertain whether you have any reason to be suspicious. I can sympathize. I was cheated on too during my marriage, and the temptation is there to mistrust everyone but through therapy you can figure out which are genuine red flags, and which are you being on red alert the whole time. Bottom line, you can't live on red alert all the time. It will drive you crazy.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

If she has given you no reason to have these feelings, then yes, it is very unfair to put your XWs sins on your new GF.

To make it worse, you say even if you had a discussion about it with her and she reassured you, that you still wouldn't believe her, once again based on your XW.

She is already living under a relationship death sentence with you. That's a shame, since it really sounds like she is a good find for you.

I guess you can snoop on her phone, the relationship is going to end anyway. Perhaps once that happens you will figure out a way not to let your paranoia ruin good, new relationships.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Is your relationship with her exclusive?

Have you stopped dating married women? (From your other thread)


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I can see how easily this could happen, but do whatever you need to do to make sure your GF doesn't have to pay for the sins of your ex wife. If your GF is not waving any red flags, then trust her. I know it's difficult after being burned. The other women didn't bother you because you were not guarding your heart with them.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I suspect that your own self-esteem issues are so great right now that you are sabotaging this relationship as a means of self-protection. I bet that you are actually hoping to find a smoking gun so that you can be put out of your misery early in the game. I don't think it's that you can't trust her specifically, but that you can't trust any woman that you have serious feelings for. And being in a love relationship with no trust is more painful than being alone, so your brain protects you by finding a way out, i.e., it generates that self-fulfilling prophecy of relationship failure.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Here's the thing Dawg and I hope a couple of women will back me up. If she really digs you and has a strong romantic interest in you, the likelihood she'll cheat is nil. If she does cheat, it means you're way into her more than she's into you.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

What is her past like? Does she have a history or cheating? Have you fully explained your concerns to her? What was her response


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your Avatar is low battery. That is apt.

In electronics, when the battery goes low, odd things happen. CMOS chips do not execute their instructions, the LCD screen is hard to read.....et-cetera.

Normally, one needs to follow their "gut" feeling. When their gut says something is wrong, it usually is.

In your case, you have an ulcer from your fist marriage, your former wife. This is giving you a false feeling of betrayal.

Spread a little honey on your Roll-Aids. Roll with this wonderful lady in the hay. There are not POSOMs behind every tree.

By distrusting her [or other women] you will make cheating and abandonment a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What women would find a paranoid, sniffing blood hound attractive.

@Thound said it right....do not let the sins of your ex wife enter every relationship that you enter. By doing so, she is still mind-flutching you, still controlling your non-happiness. 

Do not give the Past a Present....SunCMars..... I like the sound of those words....You?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Is your relationship with her exclusive?
> 
> *Have you stopped dating married women? (From your other thread)*


And now the initial post of his other thread -- his only other post here -- looks like this...



lowbattery said:


> removed


Nice.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

lowbattery said:


> Quick history. I was married 12 years and found out wife was having affair. She didn't want to end it so we are now divorced. Divorce was final 4 years ago. I have dated a few ladies and had two longer relationships post marriage. I wasn't really head over heels for either of these two ladies but they were still quality relationships. I am now in a new relationship with a lady I am head over heels for. I'm finding that since I am emotionally involved this time that my "is she cheating" sensors are working overtime. I am constantly worried about her cheating. I have no proof and from everything she says I have nothing to worry about. Her phone sits out unlocked. (even though it's a brand I'm not familiar with using I could open it and read texts at any time, she knows that. I also know that there are numerous other ways to 'chat' with someome through apps) At the same time a crazy overprotective brain can take the littlest things and twist them up. I haven't accused or had a real conversation with her about it because it's in my head. I don't want to even mention it to her because she has done nothing (that I can prove) and from past experiences a cheater won't say "your right, I'm cheating..."
> 
> I do really like and care about this woman. I am thinking my fears are self protective and out of place here. Last night (due to drinking also) I suddenly got in my head she was talking/texting someone else on her phone. My thinking brain told me to keep my mouth shut and don't bring it up. I didn't but it put me in such a bad mood I ruined 1/2 the evening because I was going crazy between the ears.
> 
> Any advice?


Literally speaking, your post name speaks fantastically to the problem. Indeed, you are living in the past. Humans are associative learners, meaning that any similarity can conjure up an entire movie in your head, even if the circumstances are vaguely familiar. In the past, this ensured the survival of humans. What is not purely of genetic origin can be absorbed via this process of learning.

Your problem, like many others, is an over-empowered inner voice. I call it one's pride. All it is is the mind's subconscious programming at play. This is garbage programming, put simply. Why you have this is because you let this programming take root during the trauma of the affair. You didn't keep it in context then and are suffering now. The good news is that the cure is simple: quiet that inner voice (pride).

You already did a good job so far. Let's look at the ABCD model.

(A)ctivity: associative cirumstances warn you of possible affair behavior.
(B)elief: she could be cheating with this, that and the other method.
(C)onsequence: This part is somewhat lacking from your post. You understand the macro-consequences but not so much the micro. It will help you to focus your awareness more deeply to analyze the consequences.
(D)ispute: You logically understand that there is nothing valid about the belief but you don't do well at combating the inner voice. The power it holds over you means that you have faith, belief and trust in it. I always guide individuals and couples in disassociating themselves from their inner voice. If the inner voice rambles incessantly then you will be forced to live in the past. One can't just argue with it (logically), they must silence it.

The typical advice doesn't work because the typical advice is given to your logical mind, while the subconscious mind remains programmed with garbage. Remember, garbage in, garbage out. With some moderate and consistent effort you can be well on your way to living the life you want. We want to always be able to live in the present moment, guided by valid lessons from the past. If I never got over the times I was cheated on, I'd be an awful romantic partner.

Long story short, the cure takes actual effort. Just agreeing with random advice does nothing to well-established synaptic connections.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Low, how would you define the relationship and how would she define the relationship?
Also is she as invested in you as you are in her?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sounds to me like you have untreated PTSD from your ex wife's affair. You need to get into some deep counseling.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Got to change your thinking. You didn't learn the best lesson from your recovery from cheating. The lesson is you survived. Even if this woman cheats it won't be worse then the first time because you didn't know what was in store. You didn't know if you could make it, now you know that you can survive, and even find someone who you want to commit to again. Take strength in that. You don't need anyone even this relationship to make you happy. Then if you are ready to love this woman commit to it, (not putting your head in the sand) but remember love is an act of faith.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

joannacroc said:


> Get into individual counseling right away. You need to address your trust issues before you can ascertain whether you have any reason to be suspicious. I can sympathize. I was cheated on too during my marriage, and the temptation is there to mistrust everyone but through therapy you can figure out which are genuine red flags, and which are you being on red alert the whole time. Bottom line, you can't live on red alert all the time. It will drive you crazy.


:iagree:


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Is your relationship with her exclusive?
> 
> Have you stopped dating married women? (From your other thread)


You're dating married women OP, but worried about women cheating on you?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

So that you don't toast a potentially good relationship, you should do some advance damage control. Tell her about your ex-wife's escapades, if she doesn't already know. Tell her it's making it difficult for you to trust women ever again. Warn her that you might behave irrationally at some point, and ask that she have patience with you and work through it with you, provide reassurances to you about her fidelity. And, as someone else suggested, get yourself into counseling and address this trust issue you have.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...you bounce from wife to girl to girl to girl. Where is the time where you learn to be ok just being alone? THAT is why your relationships aren't working - you're too intent on claiming a partner.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Explain screwing around with married women and we might be able to go from there.

Until that little detail is worked out I'm afraid I have negative interest in other problems you may be experiencing.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Foremostly, immediately get into counseling for the "trust issue!"

And only if that phone of hers suddenly becomes locked or hidden away from you, along with her inexplicably "shutting your water off," or direct evidence that she's seeing other men, then I really wouldn't be all that concerned about her!*


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

It's trust issues from his past but if he was dating married women then and this is just an assumption he might have gotten off on being an OM and dating taken people, so it's natural that he's not able to disconnect himself because literally infidelity is the thing that is missing from his relationship with this woman.

Doesn't seem like the OP worked on himself after splitting from his exWW. If he doesn't then whether it's this lady or the next, he will always carry his baggage over and tarnish/sabotage every relationship he's in.


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