# Just found out Husband not in love with me anymore...



## Learningmoveon (Sep 2, 2010)

After 12 years of marriage (18 years together), my husband having an affair. Told me he want to leave our marriage. He broke the news to me two months ago. I beg and plea for him to not hurt our 2 kids and to see if we can work out our marriage. He decide to tell the kids after waiting 2 months. After seeing the kids reaction to his news, he was devastated and now does not want to leave. He saying he want to work on our marriage and want to find that love back towards me again. Well, at the same time he decided to come clean with me and tell me the whole awful truth about this other woman, how he's head over heels in love with this othe woman. And how he's already told her, he's staying to work out his marriage and staying with the kids. 

For the sack of the kids and our marriage, I still love this man dearly and are willing to forgive but I cannot forget. Is it even possible to work out a marriage when your husband is in love with someone else? Can he learn to forget this person? Can he find that love for me again?


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

Yes it is possible. It will take time and a lot of hard work by both of you. Read other posts in this forum. You are going to ride an emotional roller coaster for awhile, it is normal. Seek counseling, you will both need it, but if he refuses to go, go for yourself!

Request that he end all contact with this woman. You both cannot repair your marriage if he is still in contact with this woman.

And post here, the folks around these forums are very helpful!!!


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Your husband needs to do everything to evidence to you that the affair is over and he is not straddling both sides of the fence.

I can assure that if he has not broken the link in a way that is proven with the OW he will still be yearning and may even pretending to you that the affair is over and be underground.

YES this does happen, there are many examples of this and the OW herself is to blind herself to see that she is also being used.

You are now going to take some of the bravest and toughest steps in your life. Harden yourself, be very very strong and do not take his nonsense. He buckles up and fully co-operates or ships out. 

I see you said he gave the “whole awful truth” – perhaps or perhaps not.

You tell your H, one way dialog, he has to reveal everything about the OW to you and I mean everything, contact details, home address, place of work, where the held the activity if it was a physical affair and the details thereof if you have the stomach to listen etc. if he hesitates and says anything that alludes to protecting her then he is a liar and is still in the affair and not committed to you as his wife.

You are then second in his life and he is using the children as an excuse to stay and enjoy the pleasures of both worlds. He is pretending to not wanting to hurt you, a tad late. 

This continues until you are satisfied he has told the truth and helps bring closure for you. 

For yourself: 

For the affair do not blame the OW, blame your H – he chose to cheat on your marriage 

First step is to send a formal no contact letter; you choose the hardest one there is. He writes, you approve, he mails and if possible texts her, all in your presence.

Go to

AffairCare Home

and get a sample NC letter 

Next if he does not work with her, he changes all his email accounts, mobile numbers, activates facebook blocks etc. 

If he works with her then he must find a new job, your marriage is far more important than his place of work. He may complain, consequences, unless he moves the affair will start again. 

Again for you, he joins you in a conversation with his folks and yours and he admits his indiscretion. This is to protect you in the short and long term from any deviousness that may be occurring in the background. I know it sounds hard but there are to many instances where the affair continues and is underground. An admission to family will help prevent this. 

Thereafter you give it a little while to see if things settle down.

The affair occurred for a reason and I suggest you go to a counsellor to work through any issues there may be in your marriage.


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## Learningmoveon (Sep 2, 2010)

Thank yo for the reply..to hear you say it's possible gave me some relife. But how do you (a wife) make a husband forget the feelings he have with this woman as we already told me he's head over heels in love with her. 
How can I be sure he's not going to fall right back into that feelings when he bumped into her, how do I ensure he's doing what he's saying, how do I know this woman going to leave him alone, after all she knew he's married and still living at home and how he is with our kids and still yet she allow them both to love each other and had already planned a life together...all this questions comes to my mine. 
How do I work on helping him or him helping himself finding the love he once had for me?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Alas:- for him to loose any feelings he has for her comes with time. Ultimately it is he himself who has to work to replace these feelings and the emotional bonds he has for the OW with feelings and a bond with you.

The fact that he came home is a good start. 

Cynically speaking the OW will be saying he “loves you not” and is home for the children. What you and your H are going to do is work to break this emotional link and renew his interest in you. 


The counselling will help plus there has to be an awful (awful in the positive sense) lot of talking between you and your H, at least a dedicated 15 hours a week with no other company present.

If he does not want to communicate and talk daily then he is not keeping his commitment to you. 

As for the OW leaving him alone, the no contact letter is one step, once sent to her she is under no illusion that she must leave your H alone. If she goes near him again take legal action – harassment and get a restraining order against her.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

I found out in January about my wife's long term affair (actually affairs, she had one previously that also came out). I thought things were perfect. We were married almost 16 years, we have 3 kids. Like you she was "so in love with this other man", "felt for him like she never felt for me", and only stayed because of the kids in the begining. 

Less than 8 months later we are great, she does love and is in love with me again. I still have moments of questions or feeling the need to "check up" on her, but I really do for the most part trust her again. Our marriage is better and stronger than it ever was before and we both are truly happy right now. 

Was it easy to get here? Definately not. But it can work, and I encourage you to try it. He does have to allow for transparency for you - you should be able to check his cell and emails when you feel the need. You should seek counselling. And it helps a whole lot if you have a shared faith (my wife and I are both very deeply involved Christians and that has helped us a great deal in this time). 

If you have more specific questions ask away, but I just wanted to encourage you that it can work out.


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## Learningmoveon (Sep 2, 2010)

Thank you so much HopeinHouston! My husband told me he met this woman 5 years ago but was never anything till 2 or so months ago. That is what I feel right now, he's staying only because of the kids. He's forcing himself to stay for the kids after he saw the kids reaction. He fear they of losing them because the kids told him if he leave they will not talk to him. He's asking to stay to "try" to work out our marriage and find the love for me again. It's very hurtful to hear him say "I'm head over heels in love with her". How do I get past that? I do I trust, he will not run to a woman who he's "head over heels in love with?"

What did you do on your part to show or get her to be in love with you again without "trying to hard"? At least that's what he said to me "I'm trying to hard".

Did you ask your wife to prove to you that she infact told this other man that is over or did you just took her words?

We do not have share faith, but we both are a strong believer in family values and raising our 2 kids with great value. 

To hear it can work really does give me a since of relieve.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Ouch that is hard. My wife (of 18 years) has an anxiety attack about every 4 months as to whether or not it was right that we got married.


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## Learningmoveon (Sep 2, 2010)

Maybe I also add that we have been together since 14/16 years old now 33/35. so in reality, my husband nor I haven't had the experience of dating or being with anybody else. We grow up together. We have always depended on each other


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## Learningmoveon (Sep 2, 2010)

I have anxiety attack right now trying to figure out if it's worth fighting or working out our marriage for the kids sack, or just let it go.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Be calm, what you are feeling at the moment is part of the process. My advice to you is sound and workable.

At this stage you have lots of doubt, rightly so. To help clear and clarify your H's position with you follow the steps I suggested.

Be strong and never stop believing in yourself


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

The balance is shifting in your favour, you may not see this now, there will be tough times ahead but with each step you are slowly gaining control of your marriage and ultimately YOU can make the final decision.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Learningmoveon said:


> It's very hurtful to hear him say "I'm head over heels in love with her". How do I get past that?


That is very hurtful to say, I can remember and feel the pain it caused me. I hadn't thought about that in some time. How to get past it? Part of it is something I will come back to later. Part of it is just choosing to forgive. Part of it is choosing to work towards something better. Whether that is healing this marriage or if it doesn't work out (and we hope and pray that it will), the knowledge that you deserve better than this and that there are guys out there who will treat you right. 



> What did you do on your part to show or get her to be in love with you again without "trying to hard"? At least that's what he said to me "I'm trying to hard".


I also got the "you're trying to hard" bit at one point. Here is what I will say. 

1. This is the hardest point perhaps, I don't know how much you have thought or considered this. But this is true in 99% of marital affairs. The complete blame and guilt of the affair is on the wandering spouse. But there is almost ALWAYS shared blame and guilt in things that have gone wrong in your marriage - ways that you are not meeting each other's needs, ways that you are damaging each other's love. 

Affairs don't come out of the blue in most cases. It begins with damage done at home. Something that someone here recomended to me that we did that I feel really helped is this. Go here:

Marriage Builders® Questionnaires

On the left side of the page download the emotional needs questionaire and the love busters quiz. Each of you take this, come together and discuss your answers. 

But understand that to heal your marriage it is not only him that needs to change. As soon as my wife revealed what was going on, I saw and understood without her saying most of what had gone wrong in our marriage - in a way I was never aware before. I know others who have said the same. I don't know whether you have this awareness or not, but trust me ... there are deeper issues in your marriage than just this affair, and they are what started him down this road to having the affair (not that it in ANY way excuses or deflects blame - our spouses could have handled these issues properly by communicating with us better, and trying to solve the issues without going off and replacing us in an affair). 

You need to work harder to love him the way he needs to be loved, and to avoid hurting him through the love busters that are present in your marriage (and vice-versa obviously). 

2. You need to find hapiness in yourself. Do not be co-dependent, but find sufficiency and happiness in yourself. Be able to stand on your own regardless of whether this works out or not. Show him that strength in yourself. 

3. Be the spouse that you want to have. Be a spouse worthy of the spouse you want to have. Not by smothering him or anonying him, but just by being the best 'you' and the best spouse you can be. 



> Did you ask your wife to prove to you that she infact told this other man that is over or did you just took her words?


I took her word for it and she lied. I found out and stupidly took her word for it and she lied again. Finally I didn't take her word and she did it for real. 




> To hear it can work really does give me a since of relieve.


Don't expect it to be easy. You do need outside help (a counsellor). But it can and does work. I am perfectly happy and content today. Best of luck to you.


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