# Is this rude?



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I appreciate the insight I've found on this site, so I'd like to ask another question. 

Do you have a problem with your spouse on their smart phones ALL the time?

We will go out to dinner and my husband ignores me and the kids. He is on that thing all the time. I've asked him... Begged him... Pleaded with him to take some time off of it. He will put it down for 5 minutes and then be right back at it again. He's always reading something political and then proceeds to spend the rest of our time complaining about someone or something. 

Is this typical in this day and age? How do I get him to respect my wishes?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Next time he does it get up and leave the restaurant.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Yes it's rude.

It's also a sign of deeper issues considering that you've begged and pleaded with him and he completely disregards your wishes.

Next time tell him to leave the phone home when you go out for dinner, or you'll take it away the first time he looks at it and he won't get it back until after he pays the check.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My exH used to do this, too. It's annoying. 

Don't beg or plead with your husband. Just tell him "Honey, I am really looking forward to dinner with you (and the kids) and would love to have conversations wtihout you on the phone. When you spend all te time reading your phone, i feel like it takes away from our time together and I want us to focus on us w/o technology being involved." 

If he keeps doing it, tell him you're not interested in going to dinner with him if his face will be in his Smartphone. Then follow through. Don't go.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

If it's not the phones it's Facebook. They will not learn until you get their attention.


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## Jojara (Aug 1, 2012)

Its completely rude. Isnt the purpose of going out to dinner...to spend time with you? Perhaps he needs to try and snuggle up with his smart phone.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Literally my husband was texting someone last night at dinner. My son was ready to go but my husband had his face buried in the phone. My son and I literally walked out and to the car and waited there for him. He sat at the table finishing his text. He didn't apologize or anything. 

Maybe this is part of the reason I feel extremely alone and ignored. I just thought I was being selfish or ego driven. Maybe I have a good reason for feeling needy. 

UOTE=Jojara;966397]Its completely rude. Isnt the purpose of going out to dinner...to spend time with you? Perhaps he needs to try and snuggle up with his smart phone.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

This is easy - apply the third date rule. If he did this on your second date, would there be a third?

Since there likely would not (and for good reason),the next time you go to dinner tell him you expect him not to do this. When he does (and he will because he has gotten away with it before), excuse yourself, call a cab and go to the bar. If he asks, tell him that since the phone is more interesting, you will leave him to enjoy.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Yes, it's extremely rude.

Yes, It is typical of this day and age.

It is an addiction. 

Ask him a couple of hours before you leave if he will leave the phone at home. If he says "yes" but than won't leave it, don't go.

Let him look at you and the kids, all ready to go, only to have it shut down from his own actions.

I will not go, sit, talk, travel, eat, with anyone who can't put their phone down. Period.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Yes, it is rude. But I feel a little old fashioned these days because the practice you describe is so prevalent that there seems to have been a cultural shift away from my values.

My wife is compulsive about her phone and she genuinely doesn't get the way she appears to me and our kids. There's a great scene in the movie Clueless where dad bans cell phones from the dinner table.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Mistys dad said:


> Yes, it's extremely rude.
> 
> Yes, It is typical of this day and age.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Great post!!


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Who is he sitting there texting while you wait for him?


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

It is a sign of the times... And addictive. The wife and I both have smart phones, and at times get wrapped up in something. We decided no phones at the table, and get after each other when it becomes obsessive. Her addiction is Facebook, mine is TAM


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

This actually happened when we were at a social gathering with friends. I was so appalled that my husband sat at the dinner table in his phone. He said he was trying to look up something that was referenced in the dinner conversation but he stayed on the phone for more than 10 or 15 minutes. That's despite the fact I whispered that he needed to get off. He said "hang on I'm trying to look something up". It was very frustrating. 

He just seems lost in his own world. It happens at dinner at home too. 




Ten_year_hubby said:


> Yes, it is rude. But I feel a little old fashioned these days because the practice you describe is so prevalent that there seems to have been a cultural shift away from my values.
> 
> My wife is compulsive about her phone and she genuinely doesn't get the way she appears to me and our kids. There's a great scene in the movie Clueless where dad bans cell phones from the dinner table.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

He usually doesn't tell me who he is texting. It's usually a friend or something I guess. 


QUOTE=MAKINGSENSEOFIT2;966448]Who is he sitting there texting while you wait for him?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> He usually doesn't tell me who he is texting. It's usually a friend or something I guess.
> 
> 
> QUOTE=MAKINGSENSEOFIT2;966448]Who is he sitting there texting while you wait for him?


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

You might want to look deeper into this.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> If he keeps doing it, tell him you're not interested in going to dinner with him if his face will be in his Smartphone. Then follow through. Don't go.


:iagree: 

that's what I did with my H. worked very well. although it does get old feeling like you have to force them into paying attention to you. If it doesn't eventually turn in to him wanting to be with you then you'll have a bigger issue.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I like the get up and walk away option. I don't have to try to parent him, and he gets the idea.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> I like the get up and walk away option. I don't have to try to parent him, and he gets the idea.


It is very effective. Actions speak louder than words. Aligning you words and your actions speaks the loudest.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You might want to check out those txts later when you can get to the cell.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

You know I have thought about that, but every time I pick up his phone to inspect... I don't really find anything. However I DID find out that he was texting my coworker/our mutual friend and telling him that I essentially writing porn. When I confronted him he denied it. He proceeded to delete ALL evidence. Unfortunately I work in a very public position and that could really hurt me. 


OTE=EleGirl;966505]You might want to check out those txts later when you can get to the cell.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

If this was happening in your relationship AND your spouse didn't get you a birthday present... How might you feel? What would you do about it?




questionme2 said:


> You know I have thought about that, but every time I pick up his phone to inspect... I don't really find anything. However I DID find out that he was texting my coworker/our mutual friend and telling him that I essentially writing porn. When I confronted him he denied it. He proceeded to delete ALL evidence. Unfortunately I work in a very public position and that could really hurt me.
> 
> 
> OTE=EleGirl;966505]You might want to check out those txts later when you can get to the cell.


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I like the get up and walk away option. I don't have to try to parent him, and he gets the idea.


:iagree:


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well even when I walk away... And sit in the car, he doesn't care. He just does it anyway. 

He is just living by his rules. 



QUOTE=abitlost;966596]:iagree:[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> Well even when I walk away... And sit in the car, he doesn't care. He just does it anyway.
> 
> He is just living by his rules.


And so are you. Are you okay with that?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well I suppose I have just tried to forgive and forget. I just accepted it as one of his quirks. But it's started to really bother me. You are right though. I am allowing him to control the behavior. Not a good example for kids




Mavash. said:


> And so are you. Are you okay with that?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> Well I suppose I have just tried to forgive and forget. I just accepted it as one of his quirks. But it's started to really bother me. You are right though. I am allowing him to control the behavior. Not a good example for kids


Accepting it = telling him it's okay nonverbally. If you can get your actions to line up with your words CONSISTENTLY you'll get farther. It will take longer because you've given up too soon in the past. So far his life is working for him so he has no motivation to change. If you can focus creatively to make it so it's NOT working anymore you might be able to get his attention long enough for him to see how bad his addictive behavior is.

My husband watches a gazillion hours of tv and early on I started walking away when he zoned out for too long in front of it. On that he knows I'm NOT playing. The tv is great and all but I'm not okay with it getting more attention than I do. In my case he HATES it when I walk out so it works. You on the other hand have said he doesn't care so what DOES he care about (other than the phone that is)?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

He doesn't care about much. He likes to make dinner after work and then he drinks wine and falls asleep on the couch. That's our life. He's usually out by 9:45. He watches sports in the fall but has no hobbies really. He doesn't golf, hang with friends etc. he is always with us. We really don't have seperation other than work. I just feel we've all gotten into a rut. 




UOTE=Mavash.;966717]Accepting it = telling him it's okay nonverbally. If you can get your actions to line up with your words CONSISTENTLY you'll get farther. It will take longer because you've given up too soon in the past. So far his life is working for him so he has no motivation to change. If you can focus creatively to make it so it's NOT working anymore you might be able to get his attention long enough for him to see how bad his addictive behavior is.

My husband watches a gazillion hours of tv and early on I started walking away when he zoned out for too long in front of it. On that he knows I'm NOT playing. The tv is great and all but I'm not okay with it getting more attention than I do. In my case he HATES it when I walk out so it works. You on the other hand have said he doesn't care so what DOES he care about (other than the phone that is)?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> He doesn't care about much. He likes to make dinner after work and then he drinks wine and falls asleep on the couch. That's our life. He's usually out by 9:45. He watches sports in the fall but has no hobbies really. He doesn't golf, hang with friends etc. *he is always with us*. We really don't have seperation other than work. I just feel we've all gotten into a rut.


Then who is he texting with on the phone?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

He says his male coworker. 




Mavash. said:


> Then who is he texting with on the phone?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> He says his male coworker.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you afraid to tell him you're unhappy with the marriage? You need to get his attention.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well here's the thing. Our marriage is actually better than it used to be. But I'm struggling because I have had this odd change happen to me. It is new. I have always felt working mom guilt but now it's intense. I really want to be home. Or at least have more free Time. My husband makes 75k and likes the lifestyle MY salary delivers. He will not tolerate me staying home or a diff lifestyle. Is that fair to him that my needs and wants are changing? Not really. So I'm afraid to say exactly how I feel. And to be honest I wish I could make enough money for HIM to stay home... Even. I do but he wouldn't like the cut backs. He wants me to continue writing books on the side. Hoping I will make enough for us both to retire. Not likely! But that's what he tells me. 

QUOTE=MAKINGSENSEOFIT2;966982]Are you afraid to tell him you're unhappy with the marriage? You need to get his attention.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> Well here's the thing. Our marriage is actually better than it used to be. But I'm struggling because I have had this odd change happen to me. It is new. I have always felt working mom guilt but now it's intense. I really want to be home. Or at least have more free Time. My husband makes 75k and likes the lifestyle MY salary delivers. He will not tolerate me staying home or a diff lifestyle. Is that fair to him that my needs and wants are changing? Not really. So I'm afraid to say exactly how I feel. And to be honest I wish I could make enough money for HIM to stay home... Even. I do but he wouldn't like the cut backs. He wants me to continue writing books on the side. Hoping I will make enough for us both to retire. Not likely! But that's what he tells me.
> 
> QUOTE=MAKINGSENSEOFIT2;966982]Are you afraid to tell him you're unhappy with the marriage? You need to get his attention.


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

How old are your children?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

We have two 5 year old twins. 


QUOTE=MAKINGSENSEOFIT2;967056]_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

How old are your children?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

So let me get this straight you earn the money to pay for HIS lifestyle and you can't get him off the phone? Does he have control over the money?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

No he doesn't really have control over the money.... Not really. Howevrr he likes to control me in some ways ... But not buying me a bday present or insisting on private schood for the kiddos. Of course that's about 12k a year. He orders bottled of wine and eats steak when we go out for dinner... Etc. but the financial control is grossly emotional. He likes to talk about all the ways he will spend our money ... When I make us millions. 



Mavash. said:


> So let me get this straight you earn the money to pay for HIS lifestyle and you can't get him off the phone? Does he have control over the money?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> No he doesn't really have control over the money.... Not really. Howevrr he likes to control me in some ways ... But not buying me a bday present or insisting on private schood for the kiddos. Of course that's about 12k a year. He orders bottled of wine and eats steak when we go out for dinner... Etc. but the financial control is grossly emotional. He likes to talk about all the ways he will spend our money ... When I make us millions.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What is the relative amounts you make? That is, are you two about equal in salary, or is yours much more or much less than his? What "lifestyle" does your salary provide that would not be possible without it?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I make over 160. He makes about half of that. He likes to eat out a lot... Drive $$$$ cars...and take weekend trips away. Who doesn't? But this is the kind of thing that he really can't do
Without. He's very picky about the house we live in, too. 

UOTE=Tall Average Guy;967702]What is the relative amounts you make? That is, are you two about equal in salary, or is yours much more or much less than his? What "lifestyle" does your salary provide that would not be possible without it?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Stop paying for the dinners out. Don't buy him cars. Don't pay for his trips. And did he hold a gun to your head to get you to sign on the closing papers for the house?

Girl sorry to be blunt but take back your power!!!


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well he freaked out in therapy when the therapist suggested that we have separate accounts. He was a raving lunatic. So I didn't push it. Especially since he quit his job to follow me... Who was getting a company transfer. But he was not receptive to jobs unless they were "perfect". Well he got the "perfect" job but he's still complaining about it. 

And we just rent. We don't own the house. So how do I stop paying for things if he is SO against separate accounts? And I'm really worried about the private school. He told me his parents wanted to pay for it. I said no. He then said they INSISTED etc etc. so I said..., OK! Well turns out they gave us a 1000 dollar check. The total is about 10,000. So now I'm stuck with the bill. 




Mavash. said:


> Stop paying for the dinners out. Don't buy him cars. Don't pay for his trips. And did he hold a gun to your head to get you to sign on the closing papers for the house?
> 
> Girl sorry to be blunt but take back your power!!!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

So he's a lunatic. What's he going to do to you? Seriously. 

Get a separate account. Who cares if he's against it or not just do it. You will then only pay for things you're okay with paying for. Make sure he has no access to your funds or joint credit cards. Do some research to see how to separate finances legally.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

I'm sorry my dear but your marriage issues are a lot deeper than your husband and his cell phone. This is somebody I think you know damn well you should leave. He's offering you nothing except using you for the lifestyle you keep stupidly providing. It's time for divorce papers.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

run,run,run this guy is taking you to the cleaner right in front of your eyes!


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> He says his male coworker.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like a couple of 12 yo girls. I have no desire to text back and forth more than a few times with my guy friends. We might text a bunch if one of us has a big problem, but not on a regular basis like your H is doing. 

I'd dig a little into this if I were you.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

It's not a male coworker. It's clearly a girl that he might even have saved into his phone with a guys name. That being said my advice would be to get out of this marriage as quickly as possible. You're being given the advice so do with it as you wish.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I checked his phone. No women. Not even anything interesting. I have to ask.... If you are in a marriage and you are living paycheck to paycheck... Would you expect the DH/dad to step up and find more money? Side job? Business? Or would the DH commonly turn to the mom who already works full time and is the breadwinner?


QUOTE=MAKINGSENSEOFIT2;967935]It's not a male coworker. It's clearly a girl that he might even have saved into his phone with a guys name. That being said my advice would be to get out of this marriage as quickly as possible. You're being given the advice so do with it as you wish.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I checked his phone. No women. Not even anything interesting. I have to ask.... If you are in a marriage and you are living paycheck to paycheck... Would you expect the DH/dad to step up and find more money? Side job? Business? Or would the DH commonly turn to the mom who already works full time and is the breadwinner?
> 
> 
> QUOTE=MAKINGSENSEOFIT2;967935]It's not a male coworker. It's clearly a girl that he might even have saved into his phone with a guys name. That being said my advice would be to get out of this marriage as quickly as possible. You're being given the advice so do with it as you wish.


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


You know the answer to these questions. The problem is that you're not giving us the full and true story so that we can help you. You started out asking about someone texting during dinner out. Clearly your problems are much more massive then that. If you want help be clear and honest about what's going on.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well I have a lot of complications. I'll try to keep it brief. I got a company transfer last Year. My husband decided to move without a job even though I had to take a paycut. It took him 7 months to find a job. We were living off my contract signing bonus. In the meantime he was very picky about the jobs he considered. I started to think we were going to financially implode. So I used all of my free time to write ebooks. One is romance. One is not. I grew up with a lot of childhood dysfunction. I was raped and my parents didn't believe me. I have maintained a relationship with my Mom despite this. She was diagnosed with cancer and I have tried to be there for her. Well my husband encouraged me to write about my life, so I did. Then .. He suggested I put it on amazon. We were so desperate for money, I did. Well, now it's selling. Selling very well and my husband is thrilled. However, I have mixed feelings. If somehowy mother finds out about it... She will be destroyed. It is all true yet it's airing out our family's very dirty laundry. All I want to do is take it down, but now it's helping pay for my kids private school and all the other bills we took on. 

I don't know what I'm trying to say... But I feel resentful. I don't want to be forced to support our family with something I'm uncomfortable with. He's not only thrilled about that books success but he encourages me to write erotica... Because of fifty shades success. I don't want to write. I want to have a husband who makes enough money to support our family and won't put me in these positions. 

I'm just stuck. I do love him. I love our family, but I think I'm so codependent I can't see all the problems before my eyes. I didn't even get a bday present. 

Sorry to ramble. But that's my life right now. 


OTE=MAKINGSENSEOFIT2;968010]_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


You know the answer to these questions. The problem is that you're not giving us the full and true story so that we can help you. You started out asking about someone texting during dinner out. Clearly your problems are much more massive then that. If you want help be clear and honest about what's going on.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> Well I have a lot of complications. I'll try to keep it brief. I got a company transfer last Year. My husband decided to move without a job even though I had to take a paycut. It took him 7 months to find a job. We were living off my contract signing bonus. In the meantime he was very picky about the jobs he considered. I started to think we were going to financially implode. So I used all of my free time to write ebooks. One is romance. One is not. I grew up with a lot of childhood dysfunction. I was raped and my parents didn't believe me. I have maintained a relationship with my Mom despite this. She was diagnosed with cancer and I have tried to be there for her. Well my husband encouraged me to write about my life, so I did. Then .. He suggested I put it on amazon. We were so desperate for money, I did. Well, now it's selling. Selling very well and my husband is thrilled. However, I have mixed feelings. If somehowy mother finds out about it... She will be destroyed. It is all true yet it's airing out our family's very dirty laundry. All I want to do is take it down, but now it's helping pay for my kids private school and all the other bills we took on.
> 
> I don't know what I'm trying to say... But I feel resentful. I don't want to be forced to support our family with something I'm uncomfortable with. He's not only thrilled about that books success but he encourages me to write erotica... Because of fifty shades success. I don't want to write. I want to have a husband who makes enough money to support our family and won't put me in these positions.
> 
> ...



You know the answer to these questions. The problem is that you're not giving us the full and true story so that we can help you. You started out asking about someone texting during dinner out. Clearly your problems are much more massive then that. If you want help be clear and honest about what's going on.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


I'm very sorry for what you're going through. First things first you without and doubt need to seek out therapy for yourself. You most likely have a lot of unresolved issues that need tending to. As for your husband you are being completely used. Either you get out of the relationship or put your foot down and set firm ground rules for the marriage continuing. You're providing his lifestyle but have taken on the role of his slave. Stop it immediately.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I don't want to be forced to support our family with something I'm uncomfortable with.


Then why do you continue to do it?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Thank you for your insight and support. I truly appreciate it. I often think that there's problems with everyone... No one is perfect, right? At least he doesn't cheat on me or beat me. Things could be so much worse, right? See through all of this ebook stuff he is extremely supportive. He keeps talking about how he can't believe I turned out to be such a great person after reading what my childhood was like. That's nice and all... But it makes me think I must be really screwed up somewhere, right? 

It's truly a double edge sword. 



QUOTE=MAKINGSENSEOFIT2;968184]You know the answer to these questions. The problem is that you're not giving us the full and true story so that we can help you. You started out asking about someone texting during dinner out. Clearly your problems are much more massive then that. If you want help be clear and honest about what's going on.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


I'm very sorry for what you're going through. First things first you without and doubt need to seek out therapy for yourself. You most likely have a lot of unresolved issues that need tending to. As for your husband you are being completely used. Either you get out of the relationship or put your foot down and set firm ground rules for the marriage continuing. You're providing his lifestyle but have taken on the role of his slave. Stop it immediately.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Then why do you continue to do it?


Because it's the only thing keeping food on her table while her husband sucks her dry.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I have always been a fighter. I will fight for the very best. I give my all.. To support my family. I can't fathom having financial problems again. I used to lay in bed at night... With anxiety. So scared. But my husband didn't seem phased by any of it. I think he was in denial. But until I can replace that money with something else... I have to keep it up. 



QUOTE=Mavash.;968199]Then why do you continue to do it?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> This is easy - apply the third date rule. If he did this on your second date, would there be a third?


I love this. 

Perhaps one should always be operating under the "third date rule"?


What can I do to ensure I get to a third date?
What must my date do to get to a third date?

There are probably biological/psychological explanations as to why texting/email/facebook generates compulsive behavior. And it's fairly easy to reason that the compulsive behavior spawned is powerfully motivated, and that the motivation to engage in the behavior might be greater than the motivation to engage in conversation with someone you have known for a long time. This does NOT mean that you "love" or "like" the person you are with any less, it just means that the motivation to perform the texting is very strong, and at the moment of the transgression, the consequences of texting are somehow more rewarding than the consequences of staying in the moment with your dining partner. That stinks, yes?

The ONLY way to break the behavior pattern would be to either block access to the phone (leave it home or turn it off) or provide a strong, immediate, negative consequence for texting (leave the text addict at the table, maybe even drive off and make them take a cab home?). Or provide a strong, immediate consequence for staying in the moment? 

I've watched movies of rats in laboratories who have a lever connected to the pleasure center of their brain who will continue to press the lever and die of starvation or thirst. They certainly aren't able to reproduce or carry on rat social life. 

All addictive behaviors operate in a similar fashion. You get very quick reinforcement for text messaging and electronic communication. It's like drug addiction, gambling, and sexual compulsions. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. You have easy access to reinforcing stimuli. I can even see how texting can trump sexual behavior (or courting, or wining and dining), especially when a partner is familiar. 

YEARS ago (late 1990s) I had to stop bringing my early model smart phone to meetings because I simply couldn't resist looking down to see if I had received a reply to an email, no matter how mundane. I stopped wearing watches for the same reason, as I continuously checked the time. I suffer from a bit of OCD/ADHD, and I am EASILY distracted by anything that is stimulating. This was long before texting was so commonplace. 

Even if compulsive behavior can be explained, it doesn't make it easy for others around your to accept that they are less interesting than the conversation happening on the smart phone.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I have always been a fighter. I will fight for the very best. I give my all.. To support my family. I can't fathom having financial problems again. I used to lay in bed at night... With anxiety. So scared. But my husband didn't seem phased by any of it. I think he was in denial. But until I can replace that money with something else... I have to keep it up.
> 
> 
> 
> QUOTE=Mavash.;968199]Then why do you continue to do it?


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

You're not getting any of the support you need from your husband. You're working your butt off for a guy who would rather spend your money and keep his face buried in his phone. Not even a birthday gift? Give me a break. He's thoughtless.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Honest Question - Why are still married to him? You have a couple of threads throughout this forum. I don't know that I have read them all, but I can't think of a single positive thing you have said about your husband. So why are you with him? Why stay married and live this awful life (according to you)? If you are being honest with us, then at this point you need to look yourself in the mirror and figure out two things:

1) Do you want to stay married to him; and

2) What boundaires do I have.

Until you do those things, you will continue to live in this mess.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

You are right. But how do I break up a family? 
I don't know how to do it. My son loves our newly leased house. Loves it. We just moved. We are in deep. I can't afford to do this without his salary now... 

I'm stuck. And I know that he would end up really causing a scene if we split. Our poor kids. 


OTE=MAKINGSENSEOFIT2;968236]_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

You're not getting any of the support you need from your husband. You're working your butt off for a guy who would rather spend your money and keep his face buried in his phone. Not even a birthday gift? Give me a break. He's thoughtless.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> You are right. But how do I break up a family?
> 
> I don't know how to do it. My son loves our newly leased house. Loves it. We just moved. We are in deep. I can't afford to do this without his salary now...
> 
> I'm stuck. And I know that he would end up really causing a scene if we split. Our poor kids.


One baby step at a time. You're getting ahead of yourself.

How long is the lease? Can you move somewhere cheaper? If you can't afford it then neither can he. He NEEDS you MORE than you need him but you can't see that can you?

And you are not stuck you just can't see the forest for the trees that's all.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> You are right. But how do I break up a family?
> I don't know how to do it. My son loves our newly leased house. Loves it. We just moved. We are in deep. I can't afford to do this without his salary now...
> 
> I'm stuck. And I know that he would end up really causing a scene if we split. Our poor kids.
> ...


You're not getting any of the support you need from your husband. You're working your butt off for a guy who would rather spend your money and keep his face buried in his phone. Not even a birthday gift? Give me a break. He's thoughtless.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


You're worried about your husband making a scene? How about you start making the scene and tell your husband you are no longer tolerating a marriage like this. Either things change or you're filing for divorce. You're going to stay miserable because of a leased house and your husband being a spoiled little baby? Stand up for yourself and stop making excuses.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I don't know about the rest of you but I was taught to NOT make waves, to be nice and to not have any needs. It has taken me 3 rounds therapy to unlearn all this crap.

It's not so easy to stand up for yourself if you've never done it before. Trust me I know.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I too was taught to not make waves. I guess I just wonder am I asking for too much? Doesn't everyone have issues? It's not his fault that I make more money than him... Am I being elitist by wishing that I could work less or spend more time with my kids? 




Mavash. said:


> I don't know about the rest of you but I was taught to NOT make waves, to be nice and to not have any needs. It has taken me 3 rounds therapy to unlearn all this crap
> It's not so easy to stand up for yourself if you've never done it before. Trust me I know.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I too was taught to not make waves. I guess I just wonder am I asking for too much? Doesn't everyone have issues? It's not his fault that I make more money than him... Am I being elitist by wishing that I could work less or spend more time with my kids?
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What does that have to do with your husband paying no attention to you or your marriage?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> What does that have to do with your husband paying no attention to you or your marriage?


I guess I just think I'm asking for too much. He doesn't ignore me all the time. The phone is the issue. But he is always home and around... I suppose not getting me a bday gift is indeed ignoring me though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

questionme2 said:


> I too was taught to not make waves. I guess I just wonder am I asking for too much? Doesn't everyone have issues? It's not his fault that I make more money than him... Am I being elitist by wishing that I could work less or spend more time with my kids?
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lots of us were taught things that we need to unlearn/relearn to function effectively in the adult world. Everyone should have their wishes on the table while at the same time understanding that not all wishes can be met. My wife hasn't worked for 7 years. She could probably make about a third of what I do. I would love to stay home with our kids, especially if they were 5 again. I am clear about my feelings and she is equally clear that me staying home would not be acceptable. So I work and I feel good about it because at least she can stay home to the great benefit of our kids. And my biggest complaint is that everyone ignores me. Wife is on her phone constantly. I should send her email so she would pay attention to me


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

But at least one of you gets to stay home... You are lucky to have that flexibility. 




Ten_year_hubby said:


> Lots of us were taught things that we need to unlearn/relearn to function effectively in the adult world. Everyone should have their wishes on the table while at the same time understanding that not all wishes can be met. My wife hasn't worked for 7 years. She could probably make about a third of what I do. I would love to stay home with our kids, especially if they were 5 again. I am clear about my feelings and she is equally clear that me staying home would not be acceptable. So I work and I feel good about it because at least she can stay home to the great benefit of our kids. And my biggest complaint is that everyone ignores me. Wife is on her phone constantly. I should send her email so she would pay attention to me


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband and I do not have smart phones, partly for this reason. I see couples out together, or at functions with their kids, and they are paying NO attention to anything but their phone, and I just think - wow. How sad.

I also don't need to be connected to the internet 24/7. Who does???


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I too was taught to not make waves. I guess I just wonder am I asking for too much? Doesn't everyone have issues? It's not his fault that I make more money than him... Am I being elitist by wishing that I could work less or spend more time with my kids?
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If this were your only problems I'd say yes you might be asking too much but you are being used plain and simple. You could work less if your husband didn't demand such an expensive lifestyle. I'm home full time and you'd cringe at how little money we manage to live on and there are 5 of us. However my husband sees value in meeting MY needs yours doesn't.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Awhile back I told him that I wanted to work part time or stay home. He had panic all over his face and told me... I could... If I found a way to make up my income. I just wonder if I am asking too much. 

I mean he doesn't spend a ton of money on gambling or anything... But he def did not even get me a bday present. He recently went to dinner at a new place and complained it was too expensive. I said... Not if you just have a burger or salad (which I did) but he got a steak. He walked out and complained that it was not worth 120 dollars for dinner. I was like... It could have been 50 if you had a beer and a burger ... With our sons meal and my salad. But he got steak and bottle of wine! 

OTE=Mavash.;968941]If this were your only problems I'd say yes you might be asking too much but you are being used plain and simple. You could work less if your husband didn't demand such an expensive lifestyle. I'm home full time and you'd cringe at how little money we manage to live on and there are 5 of us. However my husband sees value in meeting MY needs yours doesn't.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> Awhile back I told him that I wanted to work part time or stay home. He had panic all over his face and told me... I could... If I found a way to make up my income. I just wonder if I am asking too much.
> 
> I mean he doesn't spend a ton of money on gambling or anything... But he def did not even get me a bday present. He recently went to dinner at a new place and complained it was too expensive. I said... Not if you just have a burger or salad (which I did) but he got a steak. He walked out and complained that it was not worth 120 dollars for dinner. I was like... It could have been 50 if you had a beer and a burger ... With our sons meal and my salad. But he got steak and bottle of wine!


You are a meal ticket plain and simple. He values the lifestyle more than the woman who provides it. He takes you for granted.

I once read the way to tell where someone's heart is to look at how they spend their money. This man is selfish to the core and his spending habits reflect that.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I guess I just wish that there was a way I could test him so I could open my eyes. I could tell him that I want to take a lesser paying job or something to see for myself that he was indeed using me. Something that is cut and dry ... It's hard when one is in denial. 


QUOTE=Mavash.;969000]You are a meal ticket plain and simple. He values the lifestyle more than the woman who provides it. He takes you for granted.

I once read the way to tell where someone's heart is to look at how they spend their money. This man is selfish to the core and his spending habits reflect that.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Can't you just sit back and observe him? Nothing drastic like changing jobs just study him. How does he talk to you? Do all his conversations involve money? How does he spend his time? How does he spend money? Pretend you are floating above watching him interact with you as if you're a good friend. Then think objectively what kind of man is he.

Denial is a hard thing to crack no doubt. Facing the truth about the people in your life is extremely difficult. Not everyone has your best interests at heart unfortunately.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> Well even when I walk away... And sit in the car, he doesn't care. He just does it anyway.
> 
> He is just living by his rules.


Have a set of the car keys and drive away leaving him there. Let him find his own way home.

Or tell him that you will take you own care so that you and the kids can leave if he gets too tied up on the phone to be part of the family event.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> If this was happening in your relationship AND your spouse didn't get you a birthday present... How might you feel? What would you do about it?
> 
> Does he get you XMas presents?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - yes it's rude. It's the modern day equivalent to the man reading the newspaper while sitting at the dinner table...ignoring his wife.

Mind you I loathe the over use of cell phones. I have nothing against them per say but the OVERUSE is just plain annoying!


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I have tried doing that. Tonight he forgot to pick up my dry cleaning. )3rd day in a row... But he had the nanny get ingredients and made dinner. He spent all dinner talking about how awful his job was. He asked me twice if I liked dinner which I always praise ... And then he proceeded to praise his cooking over and over to me. 
Then we walked down the street w the kids. He talked about work and now he's watching the olympics. He is on his 4th glass of wine. He's reading about politics on his phone and going off about how Obama sucks. I'm guessing all of that us fairly typical... 



QUOTE=Mavash.;969339]Can't you just sit back and observe him? Nothing drastic like changing jobs just study him. How does he talk to you? Do all his conversations involve money? How does he spend his time? How does he spend money? Pretend you are floating above watching him interact with you as if you're a good friend. Then think objectively what kind of man is he.

Denial is a hard thing to crack no doubt. Facing the truth about the people in your life is extremely difficult. Not everyone has your best interests at heart unfortunately.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did he ask you at all about your day?

I don't know where you live. But from the numbers you've posted, together you two earn a very good living. But you are living paycheck to paycheck.

Your kids go to private school which you cannot afford.
You have a nanny.
Your husband drinks wine very night, another expensive habit. Is he an alcoholic?
You make a lot of money but cannot buy a house and have no savings.
He ignores you for the cell.
He ignores your bday.
He only talks about him self.
He does not have a discussion with you about politics and the news... instead he rants on about his views.

He's selfish.

It sounds like you grew up in a seriously abusive family. Now you are in a situation where that kind of abuse is not going on. So you are not sure enough of your ability to judge your home life. After all it's better than the home you grew up in. This is where I see the problem. It's better than what you grew up in, so you feel like you have no right to complain.

Here is one way to judge about the money and how you are being used for money. The money you earn represents your life.. the hours of your life.

YOu say that without your husband's steak and wine, had it gotten a hamburger dinner would have been $50 for all of you. So he spent $70 more than was needed. How many hours of your life does that $70 represent? 1, 2. or 3? How long did it take you to earn that money? With taxes that were withheld, etc, lets' say it was 2 hours. That was 2 hours of work that you did not need to do. So he turned you into his personal slave for you to work 2 hours so he could spoil himself.

At least if you had some say in how that money was spent you might not being feeling resentful. So through all of the extravagance... the private school for example. look at that as your life being given for something that you do not want. Just refuse to send you kids there after the end of the contract you have right now.


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## HereWithoutYou (Jul 26, 2012)

Rude. I'm pretty much glued to my phone but I know if we're on a date or spending time together not to have it out in respect for him.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

You make excellent points. I agree that my judgement is off because it's better than how I grew up. But at least my DAd supported our family. My mom stayed home. But she was not strong or smart with money. I truly believe that God blessed me with drive and some talents. 

My husband did ask me briefly about my day... But he just went on and on about his day. 


As for alcohol... He drinks about a bottle a night. 

As for the private school.. I want the kids to go to catholic school too. I want the best for them. But it costs a lot of money... Especially since we live in a wonderful school district. I don't know if I should back out of that... 




EleGirl said:


> Did he ask you at all about your day?
> 
> I don't know where you live. But from the numbers you've posted, together you two earn a very good living. But you are living paycheck to paycheck.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week do you work, including the time you put into writing?

How many hours a week does your husband work?


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Yes it is rude. My ex was addicted to his phone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You really do need to learn to set boundaries in your marriage. 

One belief that I have about marriage is that a person has the responsibility to help their spouse be the best that their spouse can be. While no one can make another person change, one can influence the other. You can do this by changing how you interact with your husband. Do not tell him what to do. Instead set boundaries for what you will accept.

Instead of taking the view point that your husband is a bad guy who is taking advantage of you, take the viewpoint that you have just allowed him to stomp all over your boundaries as you have not enforced them.

This way you can start establishing your boundaries and he can be the one to decide if he will live within your boundaries. If he will not, then he will be the one breaking up your family not you. But I have a funny feeling that your husband is not going anywhere. He has it very good with you. He has a good wife, a good mom for his children and a woman who can earn a very good income. If you are firm but loving with your boundary setting I think he will grow as a person and become a better husband. And you will become a stronger woman.

You will also be teaching your children some very important lessons… what marriage should be like and how they should behave in a relationship.

I suggest that you start with finances because I think this is the core of the issues in your marriage. Read the book “Smart Couples Finish Rich”. Set up a financial plan according to what that book suggests. Then give the book to your husband to read telling him that you want to follow what the book says. The book is a quick read and extremely sound advice.

The basic plan is that you always start by paying yourself (savings). 

Have the following taken out of your paychecks and directly deposited into accounts that you can forget about.

Max 
out your 401K’s. This will also reduce your income taxes. You would also benefit from company matches.
Put aside a % of your joint income for emergencies, vacations, etc.
You
make enough that I would also suggest a % for savings so that you have cash on hand for things that you do not anticipate. Or maybe for a down payment on a house?

All remaining income is direct deposited into a joint checking account.
Pay all bills.

After all bills are paid divide up the remaining income so that you and your husband have equal spending money. If you want to encourage him to get a higher paying job, divide it according to the % of income you each brings in. So you would get the lion’s share of all remaining money.

You can take your part of the spending money and put it in your own bank account. He can do that with his. Now when you all go out to dinner You pay for your dinner. He can pay for his so if he wants to spend big on dinner he will see how it eats into his spending money. But it's his choice. You could even have the waitress put half of the children's meals on each of your tickets so that it's fair.​No credit cards allowed unless they are paid off in full monthly.

The above is not a substitute for reading the book. The author talks about how to find hidden money in your budget, how to buy a house and pay it off very quickly. Your husband can definitely benefit from what the book talks about. You probably will as well. For example it shows how much a year a person can put away if they just give up one Starbucks type coffee a day. Or how about a bottle of wine a day? Most people squander their hard earned money on the little nonsense. 

I just wanted to give you an idea of what the book talks about in the way of a plan.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

This is terrific information, Elegirl. Thank you!!!!! I'm very appreciative. 

What you've said is very similar to what my therapist had told me over and over again. 

Here's the thing... all that you've said is true and it works. But, I have to constantly mother him. It's exhausting. We fight, he resists and pouts. It improves and then it's back to the same ol issues. 

Take my birthday for example. He and I went round and round a couple of years ago about how he doesn't appreciate me. He didn't buy me things for holidays etc. We fought about it in therapy. Then, he stepped it up. In fact this past Christmas he got me jewelry. I was stunned!!!! I was extremely grateful and told him so! 

Now, back to normal. My mom came to town around my birthday. She was home while we worked and I came home to a cake and dinner. Thanks to my mom. Then that night my accident prone husband was near the sink and nearly cut off his fingertip. I spent the rest of the night caring for him. He refused to go to the hospital. He said in passing that we would "do something fun when my mom wasn't here". That was about 3 weeks ago. So we are back to his typical behavior. 

In a bit of an unrelated thought...The thing that I've realized is that I am a better wife to him when I feel like I have competition or that he is desirable to others. He recently started a new job and it HELPED. I was very proud of him for getting the job and then I began to wonder who all these women were that he spoke of... I started to concentrate on my at home appearance more. But that didn't last long... I am back to being depressed about us. The truth is I had started to really consider having another child. I just want another one. I love kids. I love being a Mom. He seems pretty against it. In fact, he said he'd like to consider adoption.. If anything. Now I'm realizing that his reply was a blessing in disguise. I shouldn't bring a child into this... 


QUOTE=EleGirl;969679]You really do need to learn to set boundaries in your marriage. 

One belief that I have about marriage is that a person has the responsibility to help their spouse be the best that their spouse can be. While no one can make another person change, one can influence the other. You can do this by changing how you interact with your husband. Do not tell him what to do. Instead set boundaries for what you will accept.

Instead of taking the view point that your husband is a bad guy who is taking advantage of you, take the viewpoint that you have just allowed him to stomp all over your boundaries as you have not enforced them.

This way you can start establishing your boundaries and he can be the one to decide if he will live within your boundaries. If he will not, then he will be the one breaking up your family not you. But I have a funny feeling that your husband is not going anywhere. He has it very good with you. He has a good wife, a good mom for his children and a woman who can earn a very good income. If you are firm but loving with your boundary setting I think he will grow as a person and become a better husband. And you will become a stronger woman.

You will also be teaching your children some very important lessons… what marriage should be like and how they should behave in a relationship.

I suggest that you start with finances because I think this is the core of the issues in your marriage. Read the book “Smart Couples Finish Rich”. Set up a financial plan according to what that book suggests. Then give the book to your husband to read telling him that you want to follow what the book says. The book is a quick read and extremely sound advice.

The basic plan is that you always start by paying yourself (savings). 

Have the following taken out of your paychecks and directly deposited into accounts that you can forget about.

Max 
out your 401K’s. This will also reduce your income taxes. You would also benefit from company matches.
Put aside a % of your joint income for emergencies, vacations, etc.
You
make enough that I would also suggest a % for savings so that you have cash on hand for things that you do not anticipate. Or maybe for a down payment on a house?

All remaining income is direct deposited into a joint checking account.
Pay all bills.

After all bills are paid divide up the remaining income so that you and your husband have equal spending money. If you want to encourage him to get a higher paying job, divide it according to the % of income you each brings in. So you would get the lion’s share of all remaining money.

You can take your part of the spending money and put it in your own bank account. He can do that with his. Now when you all go out to dinner You pay for your dinner. He can pay for his so if he wants to spend big on dinner he will see how it eats into his spending money. But it's his choice. You could even have the waitress put half of the children's meals on each of your tickets so that it's fair.​No credit cards allowed unless they are paid off in full monthly.

The above is not a substitute for reading the book. The author talks about how to find hidden money in your budget, how to buy a house and pay it off very quickly. Your husband can definitely benefit from what the book talks about. You probably will as well. For example it shows how much a year a person can put away if they just give up one Starbucks type coffee a day. Or how about a bottle of wine a day? Most people squander their hard earned money on the little nonsense. 

I just wanted to give you an idea of what the book talks about in the way of a plan.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Super rude. I don't know what I'd do if my husband was attached to any electronic. 

I'd get up and leave him. Seriously. I've left friends when they couldn't stop texting while we were out "to catch up". Yea. Don't waste my time. I can sit at home, alone, for free.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

questionme2 said:


> The truth is I had started to really consider having another child. I just want another one. I love kids. I love being a Mom. He seems pretty against it. In fact, he said he'd like to consider adoption.. If anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In my case, which is very similar to yours, my wife takes natural advantage of my desire to do well by my family. Due to our differing personal natures, she does not feel the desire to reciprocate in kind or in magnitude. Differences in family background, birth order, sex role socialization, age, all these things work together for this to happen.

I'm good with this because it meets my goals. In your case, maybe not. I suggest that you google "marriage builders" and take a look at Dr Harley's principle of joint agreement. Put everything on the table: working, spending, living, kids, housework, more kids ...

I think we know what your husband wants, mostly because he's getting it now. But we don't really know what you want because you are still trying to form it and there may be some time dependent changes coming. Get it all out there and don't do anything unless both parties enthusiastically agree. You might be surprised how much attention you get if he needs your enthusiastic agreement for him to get what he wants. Right now he gets it by default


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