# Ex-wife wants to keep my surname... (? mainly for the ladies)



## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

Very quick recap of where I'm at: after 15 years together, my wife had an EA and when I found out she didn't seem that keen on letting it go so I ended up leaving to think things through. After 2 or 3 months away, I found out that we had been dragging so much bitterness and resentment the whole time that it did not make any sense to make the effort to patch things up, so I decided to move on.

I'm just kicking off the divorce process from my wife who has made clear she would oppose it out of principle. It needs to be said that where I live, there's very little one side can do to block a unilateral divorce so much of that will be just bravado.

Now, yesterday, she contacted me surprisingly Zen about the whole thing and *asking me if she could keep her married (i.e. my) surname* so that it matches our two daughters. Again, this is a possibility where I live, it has no bearings on ownership and it is up to the husband to decide if he will accept it or not.

Today *I mentioned this to the girl I'm dating and I was shocked by how incredibly distressed she became about it*! It brought her to tears that I would even consider letting my wife keep my surname: "it will always make me, or anyone else that you may be with in the future, sound like 'the other'!", "You know how she is, she'll always brandish your surname in the face of everyone", "She's made your life hell, let her go: that'll forever be a loose end" etc etc

*So, here's the question (mostly for the ladies, but guys feel free to chip in):*

1) Since my surname is nothing special, why would a (somewhat bitter) ex-wife want to keep it for no obvious gain?
2) Why did this prospect make the girl I'm seeing (which is always quite cool about things) react this way?

Maybe it's because I'm a guy but, I really don't see what all the commotion is about on both camps. Am I missing something specific to the women's psyche??


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

1. I have no clue but a lot of women choose to do this post-divorce. It's a personal preference, I guess. Or they want the same name as their kids. Or they don't want to be bothered w/ all the time it takes to change things over to the new name, passports, license, etc. Maybe they are known professional w/ that name. Many reasons.

2. I think any new lady friend will prob feel a tinge of something icky knowing that the ex still has your name. Women can be territorial, just like men. 

C'est la vie.


----------



## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

I will be taking back my maiden name when the divorce is final. I just don't want his name. But many women do choose to keep their husband's name, particularly if there are children. It can also be rather a hassle to change it everywhere, but I'm willing to do it.

As for your girlfriend, I think her reaction is ridiculous. I was my husband's second wife. His first wife kept his last name, and I never thought anything of it.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Your stbxw is still getting used to the idea of being divorced, so she isn't ready to take back her maiden name yet. It does make it simpler for teachers, doctors, coaches, etc. if you have the same name that your children do.

As for your girlfriend, she doesn't want 2 Mrs. ForlornHubby's around. It makes her feel like you will still have a close relationship with your first wife. If she runs into your first wife, she wants her to have a different name than she will have if you two marry.


----------



## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

Not a gal, but I'm curious....how old is your current GF? 

To me, it sounds like a practical request by your stbxw and a very immature response by your gf.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Every divorced female I know kept their surname until they remarried. Mostly for their kids. I don't see the big deal. I think your gf sounds immature.


----------



## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

Hi everyone. Yeah, my GF reaction was totally unexpected because she's normally quite level-headed: this just sounds like it hit her at a very guttural and primal level for some reason. She's divorced too (and obviously dropped her ex's surname lol) and she's a few months older than me (she's 40).

Curiously enough, unlike you guys I don't know ANYONE over here that kept their married name: it seems to be quite different to the US. By default you do not keep your ex's name: you have to explicitly ask (and agree) to keep it.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Im not a female, but I see it as she cheated on you so she doesn't deserve to have your surname.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would keep it for my kids.

My mom kept it for me. It was nice.


----------



## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Definitely keeping mine, have had it for almost 25 years. Not going through the hassle of changing it.


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I've though about this alot.. I dont really want to keep his name, I see it as part if clean break & a way of going back to being me..
However in UK I can't change my daughters name without his signoff. (which he will never do) I don't want to have a different name to my daughter & 
I don't want to be a ms either. Easiest option is to keep my married name because of the hassle (and expense) of changing passports, bank accounts, letting school know, etc etc..

There is also a tiny part of me that knows it will sting his mistress to know I am still Mrs.. Ha! Original & best love!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

It is her legal name, not property that belongs to either of you. She doesn't need your permission to "keep" her name (as if it were something you gave to her). Who cares anyway, if you've let her go and moved on this shouldn't matter to you or your gf in any way whatsoever. There are probably thousands of others out there, some nice some not so, that share the same surname as you too, but you have no royalties or copyright on it.


----------



## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

ForlornHubby said:


> Hi everyone. Yeah, my GF reaction was totally unexpected because she's normally quite level-headed: this just sounds like it hit her at a very guttural and primal level for some reason. She's divorced too (and obviously dropped her ex's surname lol) and she's a few months older than me (she's 40).
> 
> Curiously enough, unlike you guys I don't know ANYONE over here that kept their married name: it seems to be quite different to the US. By default you do not keep your ex's name: you have to explicitly ask (and agree) to keep it.


So where you live, it's rare for a divorced woman with children to keep her married name - have I got that right? If so, it could be a primal/territorial reaction in your gf.


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

my solicitor told me that a guy whose wife he was representing went to court to try and stop her from keeping 'his' name - the judge laughed him out of court

I'm keeping it for now as I don't really want my maiden name back, although I keep changing my mind

I don't care if other people associate me with him, do *I* want to associate myself with him? Not sure I do actually


----------



## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

OldGirl said:


> So where you live, it's rare for a divorced woman with children to keep her married name - have I got that right? If so, it could be a primal/territorial reaction in your gf.


Exactly. And here lies the difference: the default over here in Portugal is that the husband's name is LOST. It is always seen as his name, that she "borrowed" in marriage.

To keep the name, you have to submit extra paperwork, where the husband explicitly grants the wife her wish to keep his name.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Huh! Something I have honestly never though of. In Quebec, we keep our maiden names. It's been that way since 1981. If you want your husband's name, you have to get it legally changed. Phucked up, I know.


----------



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

ForlornHubby said:


> Now, yesterday, she contacted me surprisingly Zen about the whole thing and *asking me if she could keep her married (i.e. my) surname* so that it matches our two daughters. Again, this is a possibility where I live, it has no bearings on ownership and it is up to the husband to decide if he will accept it or not.
> 
> Today *I mentioned this to the girl I'm dating and I was shocked by how incredibly distressed she became about it*! It brought her to tears that I would even consider letting my wife keep my surname: "it will always make me, or anyone else that you may be with in the future, sound like 'the other'!", "You know how she is, she'll always brandish your surname in the face of everyone", "She's made your life hell, let her go: that'll forever be a loose end" etc etc
> 
> ...


Your new girl is too insecure if she is worried about the MOTHER of your children having their last name. Or is it possible to change your daughters last name maybe make it hyphenated wife-husband last name? I understand wanting to share your children's last name because you want to not be questioned at the school about mother/child relationship.

I love my maiden last name. I kept it, hyphenated and use MY last name professionally. HOWEVER, when I first thought about divorcing my spouse (his choice) I wasn't going to change it (my choice in my state). His last name is unique and not one I have ever really loved, but it's my children's last name. Unique can be good/bad but it's not why I'd keep it... I hate being questioned if I am my children's mother. 

I have decided at my age anyone who questions me should watch out! lol I think I have decided to go back to my own name and if I remarry I will not take my new H name (not a deal breaker just my present plans). I am me and proud to be who I am.

Hope that helps. Honestly, think about if you had to talk to doctors, teachers, other parents and you didn't share their last name, how would YOU feel about it?


----------



## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

One more warranted clarification: over here kids always *get both their grandfathers' surnames*. i.e. my daughters name is

<own name> <mother's maiden surname> <my surname>

so there isn't quite as much need for my stbxw to have the my surname for the benefit of the kids as it does in the US. Granted people normally sign only their 1st and last name so it won't be as obvious, but all official papers will have their full name and therefore my stbxw maiden name.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

The first question seems obvious to me.

"why would a (somewhat bitter) ex-wife want to keep it for no obvious gain?"
"so that it matches our two daughters"

This does not seem like an unreasonable request. She's not doing it to be vindictive or to 'stake her claim' to you for all eternity. She is proud of your daughters and wants people to know she is their mother. I don't see a problem with this.

Your second question totally surprised me! I was SHOCKED to hear your GF is 40yo and is THIS upset about your ex-wife's request.

Her response seems INCREDIBLY immature to me! If you marry your gf, she WILL be the 2nd Mrs. ForlornHubby. That is a fact. Marrying HER will not erase your past (nor should you want it to.) Does she view your life (and hers) as having BEGUN the day you met (because it surely did not)??? Does she think people will view her as your second choice, not your first choice? If so, explain to her that she is your first choice NOW in a new chapter of your life (which is ALL that matters.)

I don't see anything wrong with letting your ex-wife keep your and your daughters' name. She is a woman whom you loved deeply at one point in your life. She is the woman who bore you two wonderful children. Things will be difficult enough in the future for you, your ex, and your children. Why begin being petty over something that apparently doesn't bother you but only bothers your current gf (who may or may not be in the picture 2, 5, 10 years from now).

Just my opinion.


----------



## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

ForlornHubby said:


> One more warranted clarification: over here kids always *get both their grandfathers' surnames*. i.e. my daughters name is
> 
> <own name> <mother's maiden surname> <my surname>
> 
> so there isn't quite as much need for my stbxw to have the my surname for the benefit of the kids as it does in the US. Granted people normally sign only their 1st and last name so it won't be as obvious, but all official papers will have their full name and therefore my stbxw maiden name.


So, since it's common in Potugal for divorced women with children to go back to their maiden name, and the children have both her maiden name and your surname, the request your ex made to keep your surname is unusual. Why do you think she did it? Is she hoping the two of you will get back together? Is she trying to anger the woman you're with now?


----------



## wfmarried4life (Apr 11, 2012)

I would tell your GF that the opposite of love is indifference and tell your soon to be ex-W that you don't care one way or the other. You've moved on, and it's her decision. What can either one of them say to that?


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I can certainly see why she would prefer to have the same last name as her children. If its that big a deal to the girlfriend, then maybe you should change the children's name so they can match the mothers maiden name. Just drop your surname off. How would you feel about that?


----------



## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

OldGirl said:


> ...the request your ex made to keep your surname is unusual. Why do you think she did it? Is she hoping the two of you will get back together? Is she trying to anger the woman you're with now?


You know, OldGirl... I would put it somewhere along all those points, really. 

A couple of months ago my stbxw emailed my gf with an epic "please back off and let my Husband and I try to work things out" message, and signed that very formally, with her best sounding maiden surname and both surnames she got from me (she's got 6 surnames in total). So she really was playing the "rightful woman" card. Though she's mellowed out a bit since, there's no telling when she might do it again.

So, I would say she wants the surname 70% because of the girls, 10% because she hopes we may still reconcile and 20% because at some stage she'll want to throw it at someone's face. 

And while I feel the 1st point is ok, commendable even... I'm concerned about validating the other two reasons. 



DawnD said:


> If its that big a deal to the girlfriend, then maybe you should change the children's name so they can match the mothers maiden name. Just drop your surname off. How would you feel about that?


I wouldn't like that at all, to be honest. Not only that, I don't think you can do that by law.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

ForlornHubby said:


> I wouldn't like that at all, to be honest. Not only that, I don't think you can do that by law.


Why wouldn't you like it? It seems to me like you are over thinking the simple fact that she wants to share the same surname as her children. 

Are you searching for ulterior motives to make your girlfriend's actions seem normal?


----------



## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

DawnD said:


> Why wouldn't you like it? It seems to me like you are over thinking the simple fact that she wants to share the same surname as her children.
> 
> Are you searching for ulterior motives to make your girlfriend's actions seem normal?


Well, I wouldn't like it because they are my children too, so it makes no sense for them to drop my name. 

As for searching for ulterior motives... yes I am, but not to justify my gf. I'm actually trying to understand what _may_ be behind both of their requests, because I was very surprised by both.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

ForlornHubby said:


> Well, I wouldn't like it because they are my children too, so it makes no sense for them to drop my name.
> 
> As for searching for ulterior motives... yes I am, but not to justify my gf. I'm actually trying to understand what _may_ be behind both of their requests, because I was very surprised by both.


They will be your children with or without your surname. You don't like the idea, because you feel it somehow bonds and identifies you in their lives. Just like your ex feels. Sure, her surname might be on "official" paperwork, but how often do people call children by their entire official name? They usually don't. She wants to continue to share that part with her children, just as you do.

I do think you are putting too much effort into looking for an ulterior motive. But I also think you are lying to yourself. You said you originally didn't care, and didn't give it any thought until your girlfriend wigged out about it. That means you are trying to justify her reaction by saying these things "Could, maybe, possibly, etc,etc" add to why she would keep it. Does it truly effect your life if your ex wife retains your surname? If so, how?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife’s request to keep your surname makes sense as she would like to have the same surname as her children do. I think it’s good for the children. It’s less confusing. My suggestion on this is to let your STBXW decide whatever she wants with the name. 

Your girlfriends comments are concerning. I have seen some women act this way. They seek to deny that their husband (or boyfriend) had a previous marriage. Usually when a woman takes the attitude of being upset when the exwife keeps the name it comes with something else…. The new gf/wife also tries to drive a wedge between their bf/husband and his children from a previous marriage. If you marry your gf you will most likely have ongoing issues with her harming your relationship with your children. Watch for this very closely BEFORE you marry her.


----------



## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Your girlfriends comments are concerning. I have seen some women act this way. They seek to deny that their husband (or boyfriend) had a previous marriage. Usually when a woman takes the attitude of being upset when the exwife keeps the name it comes with something else…. The new gf/wife also tries to drive a wedge between their bf/husband and his children from a previous marriage. If you marry your gf you will most likely have ongoing issues with her harming your relationship with your children. Watch for this very closely BEFORE you marry her.


Thanks for everyone's feedback so far: I will keep an eye on any hidden motives my gf may have. Having said that, while she definitely wants to drive a wedge between me and my ex-wife (my former relation was quite toxic and I put up with a lot that she now helps me see), I'm pretty sure she's ok with my daughters.

She's incredibly keen on meeting my daughters and has herself introduced me to her daughter. Furthermore, every time I feel concerns on how our lives will be with the all the kids, she's very soothing in telling me everything is going to be alright, that our combined daughters will really enjoy each other's companies etc.

As for my stbxw and the my surname... well, she's breaking my b*lls constantly with how long and drawn out it will be until she gets a huge alimony that my problem is: why should I indulge her? Why should I let someone borrow *my name for the rest of her life* if she's going to make the rest of my life hell? It's my prerogative to refuse it.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Your STBXW is *not* borrowing your name...Y-O-U *GAVE IT TO HER* the day you married her. YOU asked her to accept you, your family, your name, your hand in marriage. She did. She gave you two beautiful children. She has helped raise them to be the daughter you admire and love so much! You did that. BUT SHE DID, TOO.

Think about the girls! Just them. Not your wounded ego, not her selfish behavior. JUST YOUR GIRLS. What would THEY want?

And WHY are you in such a BIG hurry to get remarried, combine your family with GF's? You're NOT EVEN out of this mess yet! Have YOU really looked at yourself and your actions and acknowledged YOUR part in the ending of your divorce? If not, you will find your next marriage (with GF or someone else) will end up being very similar to this one.



> every time I feel concerns on how our lives will be with the all the kids, she's very soothing in telling me everything is going to be alright, that our combined daughters will really enjoy each other's companies etc.


 I see this as a BIG RED FLAG. THIS is totally unrealistic. The girls may hate each other, that's their choice. They are total strangers, raised differently, dealing with parents' divorce in addition to the usual stresses that children face. 

Don't expect everything to be HAPPY because you and GF would like it to be so. If the girls don't get along, that's fine. Don't demand that they do. They will find their own relationship with each other in their own time.

I think you are rushing things MUCH TOO MUCH for a family with children that has just recently shattered.


----------



## ForlornHubby (Aug 15, 2011)

Just to make this clear: my GF and I are not planning on moving in together (and certainly not get married) any time soon. So, I'll still have my life with my daughters on my weekends with them and she'll still have every other (full) week with her daughter.

When I talk about her soothing efforts is when I overly complicate about our possibilities for the future due to the kids, she says she's sure it will be alright. It may turn out not be, but she's trying to compensate for my pessimism (I'm a pessimistic person by nature).

And, I'm sorry, I don't agree that my stbxw has the right to keep my surname when *it was her that chose to bring someone else into our relation*. And remember that where I come from the default is for women to lose the name: and I don't know anyone other ex-wife that has kept it. So we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm too lazy to change my name.
It costs a lot of money to change passport and license, and a lot of time, and you have to do it at work, bank, any memberships you have, schools, anything you've produced that has your name on it...it's a huge hassle. I figure if I get married again I'll change my name if I want to. But I already spent a lot of time and money and effort into this marriage. I'm done with investment, divorce is divorce, why punish myself further by having a huge stack of paperwork. I am the same person regardless of last name. Why would anyone care? If a new girlfriend is making a fuss over someone already having the name, then maybe the guy can take her name. Or they can combine names to identify their household as a new one. I'd be leery of marrying anyone who makes a big deal out of my name (as a man) being hers alone. I think it would cause confusion for the kids, people will think that the stepmom is the biological mom, I think the stepmom should hyphenate her name or keep her maiden name out of consideration for the kids, especially if there is to be shared custody...otherwise the biological mom can run into all kinds of hassles, like even to get emergency treatment for her kids, she will have to show birth certificate and proof of name change/divorce, who wants to carry all that paperwork around with them, when they are the mother of kids.


----------

