# Stress on my child



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I was gaving a good day today, work went by fast (in part to TAM ) but I got some done, had a great time in the park with my son and we watched an exciting balloon launch (a few old people inverted and hanging on for dear life as the wind rocket the basket all over the place).

When we got home my son was really upset that I didn't drive "the other way, the McDonald's way" (there is only one way:scratchhead. I told him when he's old enough to drive he can go whichever way he wants, and he replied he wants me to always drive doesn't want to go by himself and his face became deeply sad with tears flowing. I assured him daddy will never leave him and mommy will never leave him, then he was balling about us all being in "our" house and he doesn't want to go to mommy;s new house. I sat beside him and confidently assured him that its better because he can now have two houses. And I told him I know its sad that mommy and daddy aren't at the same house anymore. I was starting to break down in front of him so I got us distracted by asking to help with bring our bags into the house.

On the way in he found some toys to play with in the back yard and I went in the house and balled, I'm balling as I write this. I haven't cried for a few weeks but seeing him stressed is making me so angry. AAAAARRRRGGHHGHGHG, Until tonight I haven't seen his this visibly distressed about this whole thing. How she just hurt us like this is so infuriating. She actually called right after we got in to say goodnight and it was good for him to hear her voice, except now we're doing this "kissy" game where she makes kissy sounds on the speakerphone and I chase him with the phone - he absolutely loves that game, but I don't think I can do it anymore because it just brings me to the brink.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear this Lon. I hope things get better as time goes on.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

That does sound really hard. The people who leave don't really get it. I'm not sure why. 

Protect your son. 

Good luck and God bless


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

thanks guys, just when I think things are getting better I remember that there is someone more important in all of this and he has been dealing with the loss as much as I have. Absolutely I will protect him, it is incredible how much strength having him in my life gives me.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You sound like a good dad. Your son probably won't fully realize that for year or decades. Your wife probably won't realize her sh!t for years or decades either.

He probably doesn't have the words to even express what is going on in him. It's cruel to put kids through.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I know exactly how you feel. I had a two hour conversation with my sad 12 year old daughter after she got angry with me. She did most of the talking after just siting in bed with her for a while saying "its ok to be angry and sad."
It all came out..
How she was hoping that Dad would be able to fix this. Keep trying to get her mom back. Keep trying.. She was angry with me. 

I explained that I couldn't anymore. Mom loves someone else. She still loves you though. 
"But Dad, if she really loved me. Why did she do this?"
I had no answer for that. She knows all about the OM [he is married] her mom wants to introduce her to him. This scares her. Her sister who is older was not scared. Just Furious. 

This is heartbreaking. Again and again.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Wow, that's hard to even read ING.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

anx said:


> Wow, that's hard to even read ING.


Thanks. Sometimes it is good to write down like Lon did.

The worst thing is that she is destroying her relationship with her children. Stupid..Like someone gave her a brain transplant. Not saying what with. but it rhymes with punt.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ing, in my case my W is a pretty good mom, I know she is also devoted to him, but do wonder how capable she is knowing that she is off her rocker when it comes to sex with men right now. I don't know how she can separate the two, possibly the guilt is enough to force her into her parental duty. Or maybe she is just doing a really crappy job, my son is very resilient - its not that she has ever been very neglectful at all, maybe distracted at times like all modern parents seem to be, but for the past couple years he has definitely been a daddy's boy, and so now we are co-parenting she has to spend a lot more time with him. I think my son enjoys time with both of us though, its not that he is sad about being with her, just that there has been such a big change and that mommy is in a strange different place.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Guilt is a crappy motivator at best. It only leads to resentment. 

Your son probably won't understand how he is feeling for a long time. Your wife is an adult and still doesn't get it.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Lon said:


> I think my son enjoys time with both of us though, its not that he is sad about being with her, just that there has been such a big change and that mommy is in a strange different place.


My STBEW was a good Mother.She seems to have flipped though. It is all about her. Everything.
Over the last few years she has been withdrawing from the kids AND me. I suppose in hindsight I started to take on alot of the emotional support for the kids. 
It is just clear now.

My youngest posted I was her most awesome friend the next day on FB. I can't tell you how relieved I was. It is so hard to know how much to say. She wants the truth. But the truth is hard.

Keep being a good Dad Lon


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Lon,
The good news about this situation is that your child feels safe enough with you to express some of his deepest emotions. Children are usually only able to express those emotions when they feel some sense of security in their environment. Also, even though you will be divorced if you continue to stay in his life, he should be okay. Children whose fathers are actively involved in their lives (divorced or not) do better in school, are less truant, are less likely to mess around with drugs/alcohol, and are less likely to have teenage pregnancies, compared with those whose fathers are not involved. Keep it up. You will get through it. (Remind me how old your son is?)


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think you are doing a good job and are demonstrating courage. That is really the best you can do. 

I like the book "Children, the Challenge".
Part of it is about discipline, but the other part is about protecting children, and then knowing where to stop protecting so that they can feel safe. There's a fine line...if you overprotect/overcompensate it sends a signal to them that they are in some sort of danger. But it seems to me you are not doing this. You encouraged him to play, you did not take a side-trip to McD's. But also you did not overwhelm him unnecessarily. 

I've seen a kid through spinal surgery. Sometimes you can't hide things from a kid, you just have to be there. Emotional stress is one of those things, just as real as any physical stress. 

Just keep following your instinct as it's a good one. Don't second guess yourself.


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

Can't even imagine how difficult is for you, but, as long as you are so involved in his life and do all you can to show him you love him, he'll be OK. It's important to work as a team with your estranged wife, even if it's difficult, so that he won't suffer from all this break. He does suffer, but it would be a lot worse. Brian gave some excellent input here, it depends a lot on how you guys manage to raise your kid and help him become comfortable again.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> Lon,
> The good news about this situation is that your child feels safe enough with you to express some of his deepest emotions. Children are usually only able to express those emotions when they feel some sense of security in their environment...


Thanks for pointing this out, I agree it is good that he can express his emotions with me, it strengthens our bond and will bring him that security you are talking about. Like HNU says, just being there is often all it takes. I've been an active father with him his whole life, though it has been so hard to go to work and be apart from him so much of every day.

dojo, as to co-parenting, in some ways it has been easier to find my role, the communication is now systematic, we transfer at daycare so his mom and I rarely even have to see each others face. This has been good for me, but after seeing my son's distress yesterday wonder if we've gone over the line.

Funny thing is twice now in the past couple weeks my stbxw has texted how thankful and grateful she is that I've been such a great dad since this, but nohting has changed I've been there for him all along she just never saw or appreciated that before deciding I wasn't good enough for her. I'm not sure if she's fishing for compliments or is trying to get over some other emotion, either way I haven't replied at all to those texts, not sure how to.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Lon said:


> Funny thing is twice now in the past couple weeks my stbxw has texted how thankful and grateful she is that I've been such a great dad since this, but nohting has changed I've been there for him all along she just never saw or appreciated that before deciding I wasn't good enough for her. I'm not sure if she's fishing for compliments or is trying to get over some other emotion, either way I haven't replied at all to those texts, not sure how to.


When you were married, she only saw your role as a "bad" husband. Now that that is no longer your role, she is able to recognize your ability to be a father. Its too bad she couldn't have seen that before all this happened.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

After my stbxw posted "feeling mischievous", today on her profile page, which is public, she texts me and asks if I am doing anything after work.
I am thinking to myself. "big talk?, breakdown?, change in terms?" a hundred thoughts ran thru my head.
incidentally I did have something to do today. Goin to a friends house to grill some fajitas, and be away from her.

It just so happened she wanted me to dye her hair for her.

$%##[email protected]@[email protected][email protected]@[email protected]!!! 
......some people.......


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

The sad part about all this is the children that will be affected. The people who leaves or chooses to go the other way do not realize the mistake they are doing until it is too late. And the people who are trying to make it work and balance everything is usually seeing all the stress around this....

Its a fact. But it is also a fact that only one person is needed to raise a responsible child, and that God never allows this to happen. He has better plans, with one or two parent, He will protect our children.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yeah my 5 years old took the separation really hard,poor thing went through this hell as many time as I did.When he said we reconcile ,she was so excited,than he said we are not moving to SC to join him ,she cried for 2 days ,than he said OK we'll make the move she got back to excited ,than we went there he said it's over.....so so cruel for my little girl.
She cried for days and said things like" my heart is broken" " if i don't have my family back i will be sad forever and will cry forever" "daddy made a bad choice"
I think she is in denial at the moment,she keeps drawing pics of all us together and when I mention that we are not together and will never be she pretends she acts like she doesn't hear me. 

I hate him for what he's done to my kids ! And now he is not even involved in their lives and refuses to come see them,he only talks on the phone and my daughter misses him so much..so so cruel.


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

^ Same age as my daughter, but we both haven't spoken to her about it just yet. I know she has a feeling why Daddy isn't home, but I'm not prepared to tell her why just yet... 

In time she will know, and I won't tell her that we will reconcile or what not, simply because no one knows what will happen. 

If I may say, I would have suggested you didn't tell your kid that you would reconcile, my reason behind that is exactly what happened to your kid. She will be expecting too much only to be heartbroken... Something I dont want my daughter to go through...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> When you were married, she only saw your role as a "bad" husband. Now that that is no longer your role, she is able to recognize your ability to be a father. Its too bad she couldn't have seen that before all this happened.


Even before this I think she was forced to admit that I was a good father (because she obviously was comfortable leaving him in my care every night and every weekend) while she went out to do other things. Plus her income didn't really account for a great deal so I was also the financial means. I think she preferred to see me not as a "bad" H, just decided that we weren't a "good fit" (even though we used to have so much chemistry) that was what it took to give her the justification for wanting to leave.

Also, now that we have agreed to 50% childcare arrangement I think her comments about my parenting may be based on realizing how much time I was putting into it, and how much hard work the "evening shift" and weekends are raising him. She has no excuses now to not pull her own weight, atleast none that she's been able to rationalize yet.

To answer you earlier question, my son is almost 4 and a half.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Lon said:


> To answer you earlier question, my son is almost 4 and a half.


Well keep up the good work with the fathering. I have a son that is 4 and a half and he loves me like none other. To think of my son going throught what you and your son are dealing with makes the situation more real for me. I am sorry you are having to deal with this situation.

Now, a thought that is totally unrelated. I cracked up when you said "almost 4 and a half" because I would say the same thing. My question. Is it the kids who emphasize the "and a half" or is it the parents? Combination of both? Why don't we as adults say, "well I am 31 and a half?" Why not also emphasize that our kids are 4 and three quarters? I mean, wouldn't that help them learn math quicker?

Anyway, thank you for sharing your situation on here. I hope you are gettig the help and support you need.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

cisco7931 said:


> If I may say, I would have suggested you didn't tell your kid that you would reconcile, my reason behind that is exactly what happened to your kid.


In my case I had to though because we had to move from GA to SC and live with him.That is what we did at the end and lived with him for only 7 days and he moved out of the house.
Our story is very complicated due to all this happening in the midst of a move we have been planing for a long time.We sold our home and we were about to move to SC and things got all messed .At the last moment I moved close to family here in GA and he still moved to SC because of his job....reconciling Happened over the phone and he rented a house in SC so we can join him. He was calling me every day and sending me texts and Email with "my love" "i'm excited for us" "can't wait to see you" ... at that time i had no idea he's been hanging out with another woman every night in SC.
So I told our daughter at one point because she had to quit school and she was not happy about it at all so in order for me to excite her I had to tell her that we are going live with daddy and we will be a family again.....ugh


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Shooboomafoo said:


> After my stbxw posted "feeling mischievous", today on her profile page, which is public, she texts me and asks if I am doing anything after work.
> I am thinking to myself. "big talk?, breakdown?, change in terms?" a hundred thoughts ran thru my head.
> incidentally I did have something to do today. Goin to a friends house to grill some fajitas, and be away from her.
> 
> ...


Geez dude, really! Did you take her up on it and sneak in some of your own color choices. :rofl:


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

vivea said:


> Yeah my 5 years old took the separation really hard,poor thing went through this hell as many time as I did.When he said we reconcile ,she was so excited,than he said we are not moving to SC to join him ,she cried for 2 days ,than he said OK we'll make the move she got back to excited ,than we went there he said it's over.....so so cruel for my little girl.
> She cried for days and said things like" my heart is broken" " if i don't have my family back i will be sad forever and will cry forever" "daddy made a bad choice"
> I think she is in denial at the moment,she keeps drawing pics of all us together and when I mention that we are not together and will never be she pretends she acts like she doesn't hear me.
> 
> I hate him for what he's done to my kids ! And now he is not even involved in their lives and refuses to come see them,he only talks on the phone and my daughter misses him so much..so so cruel.


Wow, that is so cruel. At least my W is sensitive enough to agree to not say anything to anyone in our families, especially the kids, about us trying to reconcile until there is a definite resolution either way. She said she doesn't want to put the kids through this again. It's been a challange hiding it. At least she has half a brain! Yes, I still have issues about her walking out on us to begin with but I am working through it.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon, I am so sorry your day is going towards the dark side. Hang in there! I can't imagine how difficult it must be to see your child hurt and you feel powerless when you know what the problem is. Infuriating! In a way, I feel guilty even being on here after reading a lot of these post with folks that have little ones. My heart aches even just imagining the difficulty. I am praying for you and for the strength it takes you to talk to him without breaking down in front of him. Your a great dad and in return for your love and care for him you will be rewarded many times over; just wait and see all the joy his future successes and accomplishments will bring you. Every step he takes, as he walks towards becoming a man will be guided by your teaching and your loving gestures. You are his role model and from what I know about you on here, he will be an intelligent, kind, caring, loving person.

Stay strong man, I have a feeling that soon you will be able to free yourself of this agonizing grief and find things and people in your life that will fill those dark and empty spots in your heart with light and happiness. Thank God there are woman out there who feel as we do about real love and commitment or we would all be in deep sh****t!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> Well keep up the good work with the fathering. I have a son that is 4 and a half and he loves me like none other. To think of my son going throught what you and your son are dealing with makes the situation more real for me. I am sorry you are having to deal with this situation.
> 
> Now, a thought that is totally unrelated. I cracked up when you said "almost 4 and a half" because I would say the same thing. My question. Is it the kids who emphasize the "and a half" or is it the parents? Combination of both? Why don't we as adults say, "well I am 31 and a half?" Why not also emphasize that our kids are 4 and three quarters? I mean, wouldn't that help them learn math quicker?
> 
> Anyway, thank you for sharing your situation on here. I hope you are gettig the help and support you need.


lol, it actually took quite a few moments of deliberation to type "and a half". I think it is important at this age because between 4 and 5 it seems they grow up SOOOO much. Still there are 4 year olds that seem more than 5, but not too many 5 year olds that seem 4, in my experience. Anyways, there definitely was a reason for me to write it that way and astute of you to pick that up (most people don't really talk about using half-years, they just go along with it).


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Lon, I am so sorry your day is going towards the dark side. Hang in there! I can't imagine how difficult it must be to see your child hurt and you feel powerless when you know what the problem is. Infuriating! In a way, I feel guilty even being on here after reading a lot of these post with folks that have little ones. My heart aches even just imagining the difficulty. I am praying for you and for the strength it takes you to talk to him without breaking down in front of him. Your a great dad and in return for your love and care for him you will be rewarded many times over; just wait and see all the joy his future successes and accomplishments will bring you. Every step he takes, as he walks towards becoming a man will be guided by your teaching and your loving gestures. You are his role model and from what I know about you on here, he will be an intelligent, kind, caring, loving person.
> 
> Stay strong man, I have a feeling that soon you will be able to free yourself of this agonizing grief and find things and people in your life that will fill those dark and empty spots in your heart with light and happiness. Thank God there are woman out there who feel as we do about real love and commitment or we would all be in deep sh****t!


BL, it is what is, that's life I guess. Young or old, as long as we are breathing we deal with whatever it throws at us. your post once again reminds me of the best reason to be strong, for my child so even though it is not fair for him to be dealing with this loss of family and major change I am blessed to have such an amazing little son and I guess it does give me a very noble purpose in life. Ok i'm tearing up again. thanks.


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