# A little lost....



## jennilynnemaybe (Dec 21, 2012)

My husband and I have been together a total of 11 years, married for almost 8 - met when I was 21 and he was 28. He was irresponsible when I met him. I had myself together, good job, nice place to live, finances in order, etc. He was a lost soul but had/has a good job. I knew I could "change" him and I did. We currently have a 9 year old daughter who is as sweet as can be.

I have a great career and can survive on my own if need be. I am a strong person, attractive, smart and I have it all together. I did have an affair 5 years ago. He says he forgives me and trust me. I assured him it was a weak moment (payback for things he had done) but I took full responsibility. I would NEVER do it again. I am above that. 

He is like a teenager even though he is quickly approaching 40 years old. He has no passion about anything except for my daughter and I. He is controlling and jealous. I understand why as I did step out in the marriage. He isn't the sharpest tool in the shed and sex lasts a total of 3 minutes then I take care of myself. He is very loyal, helps around the house (his job allows him more time at home), loves our daughter, does laundry - I know...sounds like a saint.

I am always the motivator in everything and I am exhausted. I want a man, not a boy. I want someone who is stronger than I am, has passion for something - maybe a hobby, is smarter than I am, I would like to have an adult conversation, touch me to comfort me - not just fondle me. You literally can't carry on a conversation with him, he is so annoying. Even my family just rolls their eyes. I am considering divorce. I had rather be alone while I figure out who I am. I think being 21 and trying to pick a life partner is ridiculous. I am not the same person I was and I have grown into a woman and now I my needs are not being met. I am outgrowing him and he can't keep up.

I don't have friends as he is always getting in the middle. He was raised by women and is interested in gossip and other peoples problems. He has no other family. I feel horrible for him. He would do anything for me. I suspect he has low self esteem and is insecure. He does not have any hobbies and we never go out alone, it has to be together. I feel smothered. Even though I had an affair years ago, it isn't something I would even think about doing again. I don't feel satisfied and I can't imagine living the one life I have being unhappy.

Am I being shallow and this is what happens to everyone in a marriage? Are my expectations too high?

I am thankful for not being married to an alcoholic, abuser, partier, etc. I need something more. What is it that I am missing?

I know I am partially to blame but how can I fix it or is this reason enough to move on?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The sex thing is something I could not live with. Have you tried to get him to be more attentive of your needs? I don't even think I could continue to sex with a man who did that.

There is a lot of negativity in your post towards him; disrespectful judgments. Yes, you were young when you married him but you cannot now used that was an excuse. Did anyone try to discourage your marriage to him at the time?

I think that a lot of your judgment of him comes from him not meeting your needs. There is a hormone that people produce during sex and physical affection, oxytocin. It's the bonding hormone. The more physical contact you have the more oxytocin that will be in your body... and the more bonded the two of you will be. Women produce more of it than men.. and when a woman does not have enough in her system she starts to look at her mate very harshly. She will even get to the point where she no longer wants him to touch her.

I have heard oxytocin called the amnesia hormone because when our system is plenty of hit we seem to look at our mate through rose colored glasses. We ignore the faults… instead we see butterflies and unicorns.

When I hear a lot of what sounds like disrespectful judgments towards a spouse it I think its pretty clear that the bond has been broken.
So you have two choices, either the two of you work to rebuild the bond or you divorce.

If you are interested in rebuilding the bond take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. The love, passion and bond can be rebuilt.


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## jennilynnemaybe (Dec 21, 2012)

Thank you for your reply. I will certainly look into your links.

Could it be that I view him as a child? I have brought him to a level of life that he has never experienced before. I have guided him to having financial freedom, he grew up very poor. I worked hard, built a decent life before 21, didn't have the time to go to college and I earn the same amount as he does. Now he boasts and brags about everything he has - beautiful home in an exclusive neighborhood, nice clothes, etc. I like nice things but I don't try and make others feel less important. I think the bottom line is he is very immature. How can I fix that? He would still be living in a dirty rental with roommates had I not come along. I had to have him and now I wonder what the h**l was I thinking. I think all these things are compounding and disgusting me.


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## jennilynnemaybe (Dec 21, 2012)

Sorry but I so need to vent - Christmas is only a few days away. I have lots of gifts under the tree. He did a lot of thinking this year, I hope he paid attention. I do not like receiving gifts, it is very awkward for me. When my husband buys me a gift I am reminded daily that he bought it. I prefer to give the PERFECT gift and that alone makes me smile. He has to be constantly praised for giving a gift even if it is something I wouldn't have wanted. I am very appreciative but why does someone need such assurance constantly?


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## 4311 (Jul 3, 2012)

jennilynnemaybe, first things first, your are being smothering - to yourself. You have such disdain for your spouse that nothing else matters. You have to deal with this first - don't deal with this, nothing else will matter. At this point you view him in such a negative way. You have done a lot of complaining- you have put tons of energy into complaining. What else have you done? Have you had an honest conversation with him about all this? Have you walked him through what you need while making love? Have you asked him to come up with a fun weekend plan and see what he comes up with? Have you told him how important this is to you? That is is CRITICAL? I suspect not...
Remember, he feels all this negative energy, heck I feel it. It is coming out of your pours and I assume it has been for some time. That environment doesn't promote growth. 
Also remember, you are not a saint. You strayed outside the marriage yet now you are "above" that...please. You are human, and there is a reason you had an affair, it's not an excuse, but it is also not entirely your fault. If you are going to judge him so ruthlessly please do the same to yourself, it's only fair.
Here is the question/questions: What do you want? Do you want this marriage to work? Do you want to try and make it better? do you want to give him a chance? Do you want to give each other a chance?
If so, start, and start now. First, stop what you have been doing thus far - if you have been doing anything. It is not working. Second, make sure that he knows where you stand on this. You need to sit down and have a heart to heart with yourself and determine if you have any interest whatsoever in saving this marriage. "You literally can't carry on a conversation with him, he is so annoying"...No, YOU literally can't have a conversation with him because you see him as so annoying now. I suspect you tell more to your family than you do to him.
If you have any interest is saving this marriage and turning it around into something fulfilling then you need to see a marriage counselor. 
That said, I predict you will not do that. I can feel your energy. You have no respect for your man right now and can't remember the last time you did. And coming on this board is your last step before you file for divorce. If you truly have an interest in starting over then leave your disdain at the door, talk to him, then go to a marriage counselor at get someone to help you through this.


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

Why not ask yourself, "What are five qualities I can admire in my husband?" You need to start putting some positive energy into the situation, despite the resentment.
Check out "The 5 Keys to Saving Your Marriage Now" at Save Your Marriage Program


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