# Am I Ruining Our Marriage Now?? Sorry....kinda long.



## Erin02 (Jan 21, 2013)

Hello to anyone that reads this and thank you for any advise that you can give me. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and we have two wonderful sons. Our marriage has had a lot of ups and downs and I understand that marriage takes work but I can't help thinking that the problems we have faced are just not normal.

Having said that I am just going to tell the story of the last fours years of our marriage. When we got married everything was fine, we soon after had our first child and was completely happy and on top of the world. When our son was around six months old we decided it was time to buy a house. 

This is where the problems start....We bought a house next door to my husbands parents, which at the time seemed wonderful because we could all be close and our son could enjoy his grandparents and we actually all got along. 

A few months go by and we found out that we expecting our second son which was a blessing. Towards the end of my second pregnancy my in-laws would offer to watch our son so I could rest, which is very very nice....I appreciated what they were doing but I have never been a mother that expects or wants anyone to take care of our children....

Then it started....I would always mention that he would need a nap and that I would come get him or they could bring him back....They would never bring him back, no one would answer the phone or sometimes they would take him somewhere and show up hours later. It's like they were doing it on purpose....

When I would talk to my husband about this he would always take their side and would never talk to them about it which made us argue. The fights continued not only over this issue but over anything....then a few months later an old friend of my husbands calls our house and wants to inform me that my husband is cheating on me. He said that a mutual friend of theirs, which was at our house a few nights before, said when he asked my husband how marriage life was his response was....It's really actaully hard and sometimes sucks and that their was someone else in his life but it had to lay low because we just had our second son and apparently he felt bad.

After hearing this I called my husband at work, the minute I heard a man answer I said I was leaving and said several bad words and then my husband said "hello", I was saying all those things to my husbands boss. Basically, I did not mean to do that, my husband denied everything....for three months my husband called me a bi*** and said that I ruined his career and the fighting just gets worse.

The bad part is our oldest son would hear this and one night while we arguing, my husband was holding our son and our son called me a bi***....I slapped my husband....I couldn't believe that my husband had taught our son to say this. I should not have did that in front of our son. 

My husbands runs next door to his parents with our son and tells them I slapped him and how I did it in front of our son but fails to mention why I slapped him. Crazy....or not?? From this night until almost 6-7 months later, my in-laws would not come around, maybe saw our oldest son 1-2 times a month, not to mention they never saw our youngest son....

Having said this....I would cry and ask my husband everyday(seriously) why his parents were avoiding us and the boys, when I would take the boys outside they would shut the garage door, run into the house, etc. I had to listen to our oldest cry everyday at the window. My husband would tell me that nothing was wrong and that I was just paranoid. 

My husband would pull in our driveway from work, his mother waiting in her driveway for him, before saying hi to me or the kids and go smoke and chit chat for 1/2 hour or so, sometimes at bedtime while he is holding our youngest, his mother would call to smoke a goodnight ciggarette and he jumped to it. This made me so angry but I was also confused that they were talking to him but avoiding us. 

Little things like this went on for months....my husband and I fighting because I could not understand how you can live next door and not want to see your grandchildren, because it is weird, but my husband new it was happening, he knew it was hurting his wife and children but his response was always that I was paranoid, I need to call them or just walk the kids over and on several occassions told me that I had something against them and his relationship with them. 

A few months go by and our fights are worse, both of us are using physical violence towards each other....Then finally my husband admitted that his family had a problem with me (he said he could see where they were coming from) and that the only way that I could fix it was by sitting down and talking with his mother....I agreed without hesitation. I sit with my husband and his mother....

Here is what she said...."I think that you need to get medical help, I can't believe that you would slap my SON with your son in his arms, you keep our grandchildren from us, your causing problems between MY SONS relationship with his family, my son works to hard to come home to this, you should not stay married just because you have children....etc" 

During this entire conversation she was using foul language as well but all I could do is cry, I was shocked to hear this and not only that my husband is sitting there not saying a word and acting as if he's watching a good movie. Keep in mind he knew that her aligations about me were completely false but he never corected her nor did he take up for me.

When I told her I slapped him because he taught our son to call me a bi*** and I should never have done that, I realized that my husband did not tell them and it looked like I did it out of nowhere. Then one night my husband goes out partying with his brother, I called about 3 a.m. and his brother kept answering his phone and telling me that my husband was busy and kept hanging up on me....

so the next morning I packed our kids up and told my husband I was leaving for a few days to go to my parents and he waved us goodbye(happily). When I called my husband he told me it would be best for us to stay at my parents and we needed time apart. 


Having a weird feeling about it, a couple of days later I came home while he was at work....I checked our call log and saw where a woman had been calling our house and he had been calling her starting the day I left. My husband deleted the calls from our phone but he was unaware of the call log. He told me that this woman, a co-worker, lended him a recorder so that he could record us fighting and if and when we went to court he would have it to screw me and get our children. 

Which he did record us fighting but it was just me fighting and he purposefully kept quiet so that he wouldn't look bad. In a nutshell, he deleted the recording, gave it back to the woman, apologized and we started working on our marriage. 

Then a year later, we're still having problems, the situation with the woman seemed very suspicious to me, my husband admitted that the night I called and accidently cussed his boss out, his emotional relationship with this woman started. Not only had our family suffered because of his parents and lying about what was going on with them, he had been having an emotional affair with this woman the entire time and he was plotting to screw me in court. 

He said he did not know that was considered cheating (talking to another woman about his wife, depending on her for advise and so on) Everything made sense to me then but I just cannot get over. I chose to stay and work on our marriage and my husband has completly changed, he is making his family #1 priorty and has stood up to his family on several occasions due to their disrespect towards me and the kids.(not mentioned) and I know he would never do it again but still to this day( every so often) we fight about all of our past.

I know this is a long story and I am sorry but I explained it the best way I know how....Am I the problem?? Is he the problem?? Should I have left and stupid for staying?? I need help please.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I always think that if someone cheats and shows a lack of repentance, you should divorce. But very few people like what i have to say on these sorts of matters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Why are you married to him?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Great Wall of Text. Paragraphs please...


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## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

Hello! The first thing I would like to say is that your story (while you may see it as bit rocky) somewhat inspires me. The reason is because your husband was able to agree to reconcile and make up to you after everything that he had done to hurt you. It gives me hope that my husband will also come around. I won't share my story, but you are more than welcome to look at my blog (My Journey of Self Discovery) if you are interested.

Before my husband left me to move in with his mistress, I had some extreme anger issues (and many other issues). My eyes opened a week after he was gone. For a few days, I thought I had caused everything to go wrong. I thought that I had failed my marriage. I quickly realized that not a single person can fail a marriage (except in instances of physical abuse). So, no, I don't think it is strictly YOUR fault.

What I would suggest, maybe to both of you (depending on who instigates the arguments over the past), is move away from it. The way I see things (now, at least) is that anger and arguing won't change the past. Never forget the past - rather, accept it and leave it in the past. It is unchangeable - it will forever be unchangeable. What you both can change, though, is how you react to it in the now. As far as the fighting goes - I don't think there is any such thing as a relationship without fighting. The key, though, is to fight constructively.

I hope this helps.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What about the first affair he had? The one that someone called you to tell you?


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## Erin02 (Jan 21, 2013)

To White Mousse,

Thank you for your reply. My husband did cheat but he is sorry and he has changed for the better??


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## Erin02 (Jan 21, 2013)

To Three Strikes,

I am married to him because I love him. I fully believe that when you marry you need to try everything possible before getting a seperation or divorce.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Don't ever lay a finger on him in anger again. And don't accept any physical violence from him either. 

Your children watch and learn how to interact with others by how their parents behave. 

You are way too tolerant. What brought about his sudden conversion? Did his girl friend drop him? Was she married? Did her husband scare or threaten your husband? 

Unless you thoroughly resolve the issues you had - and MOVE AWAY from his toxic parents, you will have deep issues just beneath the surface. It won't take much to bring them out either. 

You may need to separate from each other.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

erin check your PM


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

1 - you should have been worried about the affair that someone told you about, not what his parents think.

2 - If my wife hit me, I'd carry a VAR, too. Courts are stacked against guys and I'd want proof.

3 - I would guess that he didn't teach his son to call you that. If you guys are fighting a lot, kids can learn these names very easily.

4 - You both need marriage counseling. Without forgiveness and moving on from the past, you will continue to fight. You are going to spend money either on counseling or a divorce attorney, your choice


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## Erin02 (Jan 21, 2013)

To Hoping4Love,

Thank you for your reply. I am glad to be an inspiration to you and I will definitley read your Blog!! My husband did do a lot wrong and he has tried to make up for it and he mostly has turned around completely. Like you said I am lucky that he made changes to work and stay in our marriage. I do see that he has made an effort but at the same time I cannot understand how someone that loves you could hurt you that badly for any reason. I am the one that brings up the past for the most part and I wish I could stop. I am lost right now and I do want to make our marriage work but I need to figure out how to get past all the hurting and lying.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This sounds like a train wreck of a marriage. Your H has spent most of it lining up allies for himself against you, his parents, friends, coworkers. He's had at least 2 affairs that you know of. He's busy conspiring with an OW to record you for any future court proceedings. And now, suddenly, things are better?

Why? Who waved the magic wand? What happened to the OW who was at your house with him while you were away? How do you know he isn't cheating now?


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## Erin02 (Jan 21, 2013)

By several responses, I need to clear something up. As far as I know my husband has only had the one EM. The timeline of the phone call I received from an old friend was the same night that my husband said he started talking to this other woman.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Erin
You need to move away from your in-laws. The next time there is a disagreement in your marriage it's going to be 3 against 1. 

You both need to go to a competent counselor for both marriage issues and for learning how to handle conflicts without resorting to violence. It's a very bad sign for a marriage so young to establish hitting or slapping as an acceptable method of facing problems. 

Your kids are going to suffer the most if this pattern doesn't change. Even if it only occurs once or twice a year - they learn very quickly.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Erin02 said:


> By several responses, I need to clear something up. As far as I know my husband has only had the one EM. The timeline of the phone call I received from an old friend was the same night that my husband said he started talking to this other woman.


She is the person I worry about. She seems a little too involved to just be a concerned co-worker. What if she reports you to CPS?


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## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

Erin02 said:


> My husband did do a lot wrong and he has tried to make up for it and he mostly has turned around completely. Like you said I am lucky that he made changes to work and stay in our marriage. I do see that he has made an effort but at the same time I cannot understand how someone that loves you could hurt you that badly for any reason. I am the one that brings up the past for the most part and I wish I could stop. I am lost right now and I do want to make our marriage work but I need to figure out how to get past all the hurting and lying.


There are definitely latent resentment issues there - which I totally don't blame you for. There is a slight possibility that maybe you still blame yourself in part for what had happened. The way everyone treated you around the time definitely didn't help matters any. I do have a couple of questions, though - and some of them will sound a little stupid, so I apologize ahead of time. 

How does he react when the arguments are instigated?
Do you honestly love yourself?
Who do you blame the most for the past?

I don't want to pry anymore than you allow so you don't have to answer the questions if you are not comfortable. Regardless, I very sincerely suggest counseling - individual counseling - for you. If you work on you, teach yourself to love you, impulse control, and help yourself to let go - everything else will work out in time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What marriage would this be? The one in which you married into a family of crazy people?


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

The WS can do reconciliatory x,y and z but do you feel genuinely loved by him as a woman with the loving expression of feelings, honest sharing, romantic love? Or just as the mother, homemaker and business partner? I find that I pick fights with my husband and bring up the past when my needs as a woman are not being met.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Erin02 said:


> By several responses, I need to clear something up. As far as I know my husband has only had the one EM. The timeline of the phone call I received from an old friend was the same night that my husband said he started talking to this other woman.


If he told you that he just started talking to this woman at about the time that his friend told you about the affair, the affair was going on longer than he admitted. 

Why else would he tell someone that he had someone else? That means that he had been involved with her long enough to feel like they were an item.


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## Erin02 (Jan 21, 2013)

To everyone I want to thank you for listening and really just being there....Thank you!!

To Hoping4Love,

I just want to thank you for listening to what has been going on in my life. You seem like a truely caring person. To answer your questions (Sorry I only have a few minutes because my little boys need to go to sleep)

1. When we argue about our past it differs each time....sometimes he is truely sorry and feels very bad about it....then the next time he is frustrated that we are still talking about it years after and lets me know everything he has done to change and tells me to get over it and start living our life together and then there's times where he is angry and tells me that I am going to make sure he feels bad because I have made our lives hell ever since it happened.

2. I do love myself but I do love other people more. My mother always hated this quality about me but looking at it now I don't know maybe she was just trying to protect me....not sure.

3. I honestly do not know who I blame. I blame myself for slapping my husband, for saying anything negative towards him and I was dealing with being overweight from pregnancy so I think I could kept up my appearance better to be more attractive. Then I also blame him for everything that has happened because I could never do those things to him and I cannot understand how he did....but most importantly I cannot understand how he could see and very well know that his little boys were hurting and end ieverything (problems with his parents, EM and etc.) right then and there. I used to blame his family because there were so many problems but then there came a time where I realized that his family could only be a problem in our marriage and family life if my husband allowed it.

Once again, thank you for being here. It truely means a lot to me.

Thank you!!


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## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

I can assure you, honey, it is absolutely no problem. Sometimes the best help is someone just willing to listen. I know if I hadn't had a select choice of friends and family by my side, I would still be an emotional wreck.

1. He has shown remorse for what he has done and still does. So, maybe to him, it isn't fair that it is still brought up and he sees this as something just being thrown in his face as opposed to something you legitimately hurt over. No one can blame you for feeling betrayed by him - least of all him. There is not a time limit on hurt feelings after betrayal. The thing, though, is that he is trying (from what you tell me) to not only show his remorse, but learn and grow from major mistakes on his part. That doesn't mean that what he has done is forgivable or excused - only you can decide whether or not you can and will forgive him. If you are willing to forgive him, then act on it. If you feel a particular amount of hurt one day - explain it to him calmly and tell him to just give you a couple minutes to compose. Take your time and remember that you have committed yourself to forgiving him. But remember, don't forgive him for his benefit. You need to forgive him for yourself. Betrayal hurts and the more committed you are to forgive, the easier it will become to hurt less.

2. Perhaps it is time to start loving yourself more. I know it is a little cliche, but I don't think anyone truly knows how to love someone else if they don't truly and fully love themselves first. Go buy a journal and use it as frequently as possible. Get to know yourself through what you write.

3. Try this: don't BLAME anyone. You are only responsible for your own actions in the past and present. Live them and be proud of them. Sure, a specific action may bring a horrible consequence. But don't fear the consequence, learn from it. Be proud of what you have learned and then do something different next time. In the same token, you cannot force him to be responsible for his actions and if you blame and point fingers, it only make someone feel guilty which, in turn, breeds resentment and anger - not remorse. 

My motto of late is, "It takes a stronger person to forgive, learn, and grow from something than it does to blame, point fingers, and give up." I have effectively been living it for the past couple of weeks and when my husband decides to man up to his own decisions and finally talk to me, I will tell him that. You've got this, honey. You and I - we are some strong women, and let me tell you, it is only when you truly believe it are you free to live it.


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## bellawhite (Jan 22, 2013)

oh and erin, like ppl on here said, MOVE AWAY FROM THE IN LAWS< we did, and its been MUCH BETTER> and now we are moving even FURTHER, to another COUNTRY!


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Seems like you rugswept your husbands affair, do his parents know about this? Wether emotional or not it is still an AFFAIR. Did he disclose every detail about what happened in this affair? I think he went underground because when you went to your parents house he was quite eager about you leaving, and the reason he gave you for the woman ringing your house was ridiculous. 

His parents have no respect for you, and neither does your husband. 

Do you want to save this marriage? You need to sit your husband down and tell him YOU come first, not his parents. Your parents don't live near you, he is all you have for now. Tell him you want to move, if your marriage means anything to him then I hope he'll do as you say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Erin,

First if I ever called my fiance a b****, she would b****slap the sh** out of me. (Yes you should never hit anyone... but to have those words said in front of your child...) Yeah that is not right.

Ok, so you slap your H because you were called a b**** and then he goes and runs home to his mommy... Where I come from that pretty much defines what a b**** is.

When a man takes a wife, the wife is the most important thing to him. If he chooses to side with his parents instead of his wife even when you may be clearly wrong, he is not a man. He is still a child of the parents. You need him to be a man.

Be tough on him. Tell him he has the potential to be a man, but all he is a little boy that became an adult that still runs home to his momma and doesn't show you the proper respect you deserve.

Living next to the inlaws... That may look nice on paper but I think it hardly ever turns out ok.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Erin02 said:


> To White Mousse,
> 
> Thank you for your reply. My husband did cheat but he is sorry and he has changed for the better??


 :rofl:

And I have a bridge to sell you!

Erin, some men cheat. Just do. They believe it's their right (usually egged on by overbearing parents) to go out and find whatever happiness they want, and that the wife is just there for the OTHER part of their lives.

That's what you lucked into. Take some of his money and hire a PI. Get the proof that you need. Take some more of his money and get yourself an apartment and a lawyer. Move out. And THEN let him 'learn' and 'be sorry' enough to prove to you to give him a second chance.

As it is, he has NO REASON to stop cheating OR treat you better - because you came back without him having any consequences. YOUR actions taught him that you'll stay with him no matter what he does. 

Teach him differently.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Erin02 said:


> To I honestly do not know who I blame. I blame myself for slapping my husband, for saying anything negative towards him and I was dealing with being overweight from pregnancy so I think I could kept up my appearance better to be more attractive. Then I also blame him for everything that has happened because I could never do those things to him and I cannot understand how he did....but most importantly I cannot understand how he could see and very well know that his little boys were hurting and end ieverything (problems with his parents, EM and etc.) right then and there.


Look at it this way. You KNOW he cheats. You KNOW he cheated before you got married and while you were pregnant, but he 'stopped' because he 'felt bad.' 

You married a cheater. That is a MINDSET. There IS no blame for you in this - except maybe being too easy on him. If you don't demand 100% transparency and MC, he will eventually just start bringing the women home, and expect you to watch, because you say and do nothing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bellawhite said:


> i dunno, i dont think men are capable of having EA, sorry if this sounds bad, but men are just plain HORNY! and women, well, were not. i mean, SOME ARE. lol, but not all. sorry i know i sound like im bashing all u poor men, i know that there are GREAT men out there, but i think if a guy, gets to a point, where he is having a EA, it doesnt only STAY at that, i dunno...i think if the GIRL likes him, and hes already emotinally involved, why WOULDNT it turn into a PA affair, know what i mean?
> 
> yeah, i thought the friend told a friend, and a friend told me, was kinda weird too :/....plus the FRIEND, who told my friend, has been cheated on by her hubby SEVERAL times...i even told my friend that, and she said noooo she wouldnt lie, shes been through it, thats why shes telling u the truth. bc she knows how it feels.


Men are just as capable of having an EA as women are. Sometimes they become PAs. As I know to my bitter personal experience.


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