# Going Through with it -- but need advice



## 1969Trumbull (Jan 18, 2015)

Six months ago I found out my husband of ten years had texted a prostitute. He claimed that "nothing happened," and insisted it was a terrible mistake. He promised it would never happen again and said he loved me and wanted to stay married. My trust was shattered, I was shaking, outraged, and blown away, since he appears to be a very "upstanding citizen." He admitted that he DID meet with women during our marriage, but said he "never had sex, never kissed anyone, and never had an emotional relationship." He said he wanted to renew our relationship, and promised to be faithful and devoted to me from that day on, and said he would make it up to me. He has appeared to be "trying." However, it's been six months since then, and over that time I decided to "keep my eyes open, mouth shut, and do not confront." I have become observant and began to notice things I hadn't noticed before. I ended up uncovering a six-year history of emails, dinners, hotels, condom purchases, and trips to meet with women during most of our marriage. That text that I found was only the tip of the iceberg of a secret life he was leading while I was at work and had no way of knowing his whereabouts and trusted him every minute. So here's where things stand. I have not let on to my husband that I met with both a lawyer and private investigator. They both claim if my husband has been faithful over the past six months, I have a weaker case for adultery. But if I can prove that he has met with women SINCE I first discovered the original text six months ago, that I can pursue adultery as a divorce claim. I am determined to divorce this liar, cheater and con artist but I want to be smart. I believe that he is currently continuing his behavior and thinks he has me fooled. The PI wants to follow him with a GPS device (at a cost of $1500 for two weeks surveillance), and I have been looking at past Credit card receipts (before the prostitute text) to find any real evidence of adultery, such as a motel receipt, and found one from 2009. That may not work, since he can claim that he has been faithful for the past six months. However, something incriminating happened around Valentine's Day. I found a pen from an expensive hotel at my husband's desk (he is anal about pens and uses only one).When I asked him about it he claimed he had gone there for a seminar but I checked and there were no recent seminars. Then a Victoria's Secret catalog arrived at our house a few days later, with a "Customer Number" in his 42-year old daughter's maiden name (so obviously someone made a purchase). Daughter said she did not order anything from VS, and has been using her married name on credit cards for 15 years. I looked up the VS online account but could find no account or order under any of my husband's or his daughter's email. At the same time, an LLBean order was made for men's clothes to be mailed to his office which is less than a mile away. He's obviously ordering clothes for himself which he does not keep at home. Is there a way to find out what he ordered from VS without knowing which email address? I am trying to keep this all quiet from him, because I want to gather as much evidence as possible before I confront him later in a divorce suit. I know I'll ultimately have to pay the PI, but what if husband doesn't meet anyone over those two-weeks time? I have to catch him. I am exhausted and just want this over with, but I don't want him to think he can just keep fooling me -- he thinks he's pretty clever. Please help.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Why do you "have" to catch him? Is this mainly about money? Obviously this guy is no good. What is it that you need direct and concrete evidence for?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your state one that an affair makes a difference in the divorce settlement? In most states it does not.

Since he is ordering things online, I'd put a key logger on his computer. Do you have access to the computer he uses. A good one is WebWatcher: Computer & Mobile Monitoring Software 

It sends all of the date to a website where you would have an account and can check it without having to go back on his computer. They have a very helpful on-line help.. they can even install it for you remotely.

Have you checked his phone bills to see who he is calling and texting.

Here is a link to a thread that talks about how to get evidence
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## 1969Trumbull (Jan 18, 2015)

"Why do you "have" to catch him? Is this mainly about money? Obviously this guy is no good. What is it that you need direct and concrete evidence for?"

I need evidence because I want to prove adultery. In SC adultery is grounds for divorce -- and yes, this is about money as well. He had me sign a pre-nup, and I did so because I trusted and loved him. In his own handwriting on the pre-nup he wrote that I would receive X amount of money if there is "evidence of infidelity." If there is no evidence of infidelity, I leave the marriage with what I currently own which is only about one-third of our house, and my small teacher's retirement. My lawyer says the pre-nup may be invalid because I did not consult a lawyer before I signed it. Also, because we shared paying all the bills and expenses, I believe he married me so his own expenses would be reduced, and he therefore came out ahead and used the extra money (my money) to pursue his secret life behind my back. The lawyer said that if the pre-nup is invalid, I would be entitled to half of everything that was acquired during the divorce, and if adultery is proved, then I could sue for additional damages, including him paying for my attorney fees. He has taken his extra $$ and made substantial stock investments which he claims are "his" and there is real estate which he was able to purchase because of his reduced expenses which are in his name. The lawyer told me that I would be entitled to at least half and possibly more. I don't trust my husband, and think he will try to outsmart me and walk away with the lion's share and never pay any consequences for his adulterous, lying, cheating behavior. I'm no longer hurt or angry, I just want justice for the fraudulent marriage that he pretty much tricked me into. I am a teacher and am not rich, and you'd think I would have been smarter about meeting and marrying someone. And it's not like I've let myself go and gave him a reason to be "turned off." I'm slim and attractive, and ten years younger than he is. I found my husband's multiple daily postings on Craigs List under Casual Encounters for all manner of anonymous sex with women-- the lawyer said his behavior is "egregious and outrageous" and he could have exposed me to STD's or even AIDS all the while acting like a fine, church-going gentleman. I'm a moral person who honestly believed and trusted him ... I just want to expose his lies and seek justice for myself -- otherwise he will get away with no consequences and do this to someone else.


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## 1969Trumbull (Jan 18, 2015)

"Have you checked his phone bills to see who he is calling and texting." 
Yes I checked the phone bills (I insisted on seeing them) and he complied, but the PI said since the account is in his name, he could still find a way to delete messages numbers that he doesn't want me to see from the bill, or gotten a trac phone or other secret number on a different account. Also, the PI said that keyloggers are illegal, a federal offense, and husband can use that against me in court if found out.


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