# No orgasms, wish I had them



## spots (Mar 18, 2013)

When did you have your first orgasm from your current partner?

And, if I have to convince a man to satisfy me does he not want me?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Some lovers are selfish lovers, interested only in their own pleasure. So a man may want you, but for his own pleasure. You could be on your own as far as achieving an orgasm.

Other lovers get pleasure from their partners pleasure. Your orgasm can kick off their orgasm. 

If you have one of the first, the only way for you to be satisfied (I think) is either become selfish yourself, or find another lover. Use a toy in yourself, don't focus on his pleasure first, etc.

C


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

Have you had the big O before? Can you have one is the real question. Sorry, just need a little more info.
Mouse


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What do you mean convince?


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## spots (Mar 18, 2013)

I'm 26 and I've never experienced the big O with anyone. (I want to punch everyone in the face.)

How do I express this to my husband?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

My H and i tried to get me to orgasm for over a year. It bothered him as much as me. The more frustrated I got the less likely it was to happen. It's all in the mind for me. Now I can O with just about anything.

Your H doesn't know?


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

It's time for some self discovery. You have to learn how to please yourself before you can teach (or ask) anyone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

I am not a woman so please don't be affended. 
The first thing I would do is, find out how to have one. Yes, I would play w/ myself until I was able to "O".
Then, I would practice a few times and make mental notes to tell my husband how to please his wife.
Be sure to be kind to him when explaining you've never had one w/ him, men have fragile egos.
I am sorry you have this problem, I have women who are just like ur husband and I know it SUCKS!!!
Does he give you oral?
Mouse


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

spots said:


> When did you have your first orgasm from your current partner?
> 
> And, if I have to convince a man to satisfy me does he not want me?


A.) Never.

B.) Sadly, him "wanting" you rarely has anything to do with you. Some guys are just plain oblivious, but when they want to please you as much as they want to please themselves, THEN they are investing themselves, IMO.

What do you mean by the word "convince"? Most guys wouldn't need much coaxing at all, in my experience... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

spots said:


> When did you have your first orgasm from your current partner?
> 
> And, if I have to convince a man to satisfy me does he not want me?


Ok ... from a guy's perspective. It is REALLY frustrating if you can't get the person you are with to orgasm. 

That said, what do you mean by convincing him to satisfy you? That should be a priority for him. 

If it is important to him then I would also say that the woman needs to learn how to have one. It took a long time for my wife to have one no matter what I did or how attentive I was. Frustrating as all get out. This was different than other women I had been with who were very in tune with themselves and had no problem. If I didn't have these other experiences, I would have unfairly put all the blame on myself. She had to learn how to relax and just give up control. She also doesn't masturbate so she wasn't figuring this out on her own. 

If he isn't making your satisfaction his priority, even if you haven't learned how to have one then that is a problem. You will have to be completely open with him about that. I personally would be very receptive if someone said ... look, I need you to do this and this. I need more than what is going on right now.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

For a woman to learn to orgasm, she must reach a very high state of sexual arousal. This is not just "rub here, like this, then rub there for 5 minutes." Your mind must be fully engaged in the erotism of the feeling, creating a sexual scenario or fantasy and the sensations in your body may or may not be in concert with what is happening in your mind.

Work on high arousal first. Read erotica, trashy romance novels, sexy stories. Allow your inner fantasies to take over your body. 

Once you can reach the state of high arousal, you need to find the places on your body that will send you higher as your mind continues in the fantasy. Some women focus on their clitoris only, other touch themselves all over. 

Once you can reliably give yourself an orgasm, you can show you husband how you like to be touched.

Be gentle. But be honest and tell him you haven't had an orgasm and are trying to figure out how. You two can learn together if this is approached well, it could be highly loving and meaningful exploration for you both.Never ever fake it, but realize that learning to orgasming isn't always easy and 90% of orgasming is in your mind.


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## spots (Mar 18, 2013)

LdyVenus said:


> It's time for some self discovery. You have to learn how to please yourself before you can teach (or ask) anyone else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've been orgasming by myself for the past 8 years and I'm afraid it's ruined me.


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## spots (Mar 18, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> not just "rub here, like this, then rub there for 5 minutes." Your mind ... your mind.


How do I convince a man to treat me in this manner, where he rubs my vagina and it's not a joke? And if I have to tell him to pay attention to my mind, is he already lost?


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

Fear not!! There is always hope!!
The trick will be teaching him how pleasing you will bennifit him. 
You don't fake the O, do you?
Mouse


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

spots said:


> I've been orgasming by myself for the past 8 years and I'm afraid it's ruined me.


Well then you know what to do, just do it while having sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

If you have to convince him to please you, you're being used big time.


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## spots (Mar 18, 2013)

LoveMouse said:


> Fear not!! There is always hope!!
> The trick will be teaching him how pleasing you will bennifit him.
> You don't fake the O, do you?
> Mouse


I've never faked an orgasm and I've been pretty open about what doesn't do it for me.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> If you have to convince him to please you, you're being used big time.


Not necessarily... some men are clueless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Perhaps, but my H always asks me how it feels/felt, what I like about it, disliked.

One thing I do when I know what spot I need rubbed and want to avoid the whole figuring it out process is grab his hand and guide him. Then he knows exactly what needs to be done. I then tell him to go faster or pull his hand back if I want it slower.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

spots said:


> How do I convince a man to treat me in this manner, where he rubs my vagina and it's not a joke? And if I have to tell him to pay attention to my mind, is he already lost?


First, stop having sex if your mind isn't engaged. 

Second, understand that sex is different for men than it is for women. I am assuming you are in your early 20's? You probably already know how men view sex but what I feel has been lost to many of your generation is that women don't have to try to view sex the way men do. If you want to enjoy sex with a fully engaged partner, he must engage with you, on a level that speaks to you.

So, if your man thinks that making you feel pleasure is a joke, he doesn't sound like the kind of man you should be having sex with.

It would be helpful to those of us replying if you could supply more information about your relationship. Dating, living together, married, now old you both are... What conversations have had or what things have been said in the past that make you feel like he takes your pleasure so casually.

I tend to put men, of the type you describe, in two categories. They are either far too intimidated with the idea that their great and mighty weapon isn't doing it and so they don't even entertain the idea they need to do something different. Or they are little boys who don't care if they take the last slice of pie while you go without.Does your man fit into any of these categories?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> One thing I do when I know what spot I need rubbed and want to avoid the whole figuring it out process is grab his hand and guide him. Then he knows exactly what needs to be done. I then tell him to go faster or pull his hand back if I want it slower.


I think most men would be very happy with this kind of assistance!


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## unlovedunfulfilled (Mar 18, 2013)

I have been married to my husband for almost 11 years now, and I can honestly say that he has never made me cum. I seem to only be able to give them to myself. :-/ So yes, I can have one, but my husband can't give me one. I won't even say he can't. I'll say that he obviously isn't willing to put in the work or time or care into making it happen. When doing oral sex, he licks every spot but the right one, and I'm thinking in my mind while it's going on, 'Right there! No! Right there! What are you stupid!? It's RIGHT THERE'!!! but he manages to miss the spot every single time, and when he does visit the spot briefly, he is gone before I can even feel it much. -_- *sighs* Then, he moves to intercourse. *yawns* I yawn because it is over in about 2-3 mins. tops. -_- NOT enough time at all. I never cum from intercourse. He's just not thick enough to make it happen. But, if he could get me sufficiently aroused, and put in the time without sighing and looking bored as I fiendishly try to cum with no results, I just might enjoy sex with him.  I am very, very frustrated. Then, after he returns to work, I have to relieve the frustration by making myself cum, which makes me feel very bitter towards him, like I'm not worth the effort or something. He just doesn't satisfy me. I wish he would, but he either can't or won't. That isn't all. Sometimes, he goes 4-6 months without touching me. Then, when I complain about it, he gets offended. Then, a shouting match ensues.  It is hard to feel loved or desirable in this situation. I am just so unhappy. I desire sex on a more deeper, spiritual level, not just 'wam, bam, thank you ma'am' cause if he asks, 'was it good for you'? I'm gonna have to say, 'HELL NO'!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unlovedunfulfilled said:


> I have been married to my husband for almost 11 years now, and I can honestly say that he has never made me cum. I seem to only be able to give them to myself. :-/ So yes, I can have one, but my husband can't give me one. I won't even say he can't. I'll say that he obviously isn't willing to put in the work or time or care into making it happen. When doing oral sex, he licks every spot but the right one, and *I'm thinking in my mind while it's going on, 'Right there! No! Right there! What are you stupid!? It's RIGHT THERE'!!! *but he manages to miss the spot every single time, and when he does visit the spot briefly, he is gone before I can even feel it much. -_- *sighs* Then, he moves to intercourse. *yawns* I yawn because it is over in about 2-3 mins. tops. -_- NOT enough time at all. I never cum from intercourse. He's just not thick enough to make it happen. But, if he could get me sufficiently aroused, and put in the time without sighing and looking bored as I fiendishly try to cum with no results, I just might enjoy sex with him.  I am very, very frustrated. Then, after he returns to work, I have to relieve the frustration by making myself cum, which makes me feel very bitter towards him, like I'm not worth the effort or something. He just doesn't satisfy me. I wish he would, but he either can't or won't. That isn't all. Sometimes, he goes 4-6 months without touching me. Then, when I complain about it, he gets offended. Then, a shouting match ensues.  It is hard to feel loved or desirable in this situation. I am just so unhappy. I desire sex on a more deeper, spiritual level, not just 'wam, bam, thank you ma'am' cause if he asks, 'was it good for you'? I'm gonna have to say, 'HELL NO'!



Stop thinking so quietly, he can't hear you. 

Talk to him, move him, show him, tell him. Next time he's heading south, point to where you want him to go. Tell him, "right there big boy!" Tell him, "harder, faster, yes that's perfect keep doing that!"

I know first hand how difficult that is to do. But really... Men don't learn these things by mind reading. Once he gets it right because you've showed him how, you will start to feel less resentment and a lot more contentment.

I don't know why some men don't learn where the clit is, or how to stimulate it. I don't know why some men don't know that a few in/ outs is going to be enough. But he never will if you don't tell him.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I don't think it is fair to your H if you don't communicate what "spot" is the right one. If you're thinking and feeling it...let him know!!

Men are not mind readers.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Check out "Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm" by Nicole Daedone. A big part of the book is a practice exercise to help you both learn communicate (left, right harder, softer) and by feeling more be more in touch/tune.


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## unlovedunfulfilled (Mar 18, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I don't think it is fair to your H if you don't communicate what "spot" is the right one. If you're thinking and feeling it...let him know!!
> 
> Men are not mind readers.


Actually, I do talk to him in bed, and I tell him what I like and where. Is it my fault if he doesn't capitalize on what I am telling him? I am point-blank telling him what I like and what gets me off, and he is insisting that the way he does it must be pleasurable. Well, it isn't for me. -_- Also, I don't like barking out orders like a drill sargeant and telling a grown a** man how I like to be screwed. For me, waiting 6 months to have sex does not make for intimacy or the feeling that I can allow myself to be vulnerable to him. The fact that I don't trust him and that we've had a rocky marriage these almost 11 years doesn't help either, but I was willing to try again, in spite of all the bad. I mean, i know he likes to receive oral sex, and I tried to give it like a pro. I know how he likes it done, and that's what I do. Why can't I expect the same thing??? He knows I want his tongue DIRECTLY in the opening of my vagina. Now that is in addition to when he's licking and sucking my clit and 'lips', etc, and fingering me. After a good bit of that, that's when I want nothing but tongue inside. He doesn't take that seriously, I feel. It's important for me. I mean, if I'm willing to swallow him, he should be willing to put his tongue in me. I have told him also that I desire sex in a more spiritual way, i.e. setting the mood, touching each other and learning what feels good and what doesn't, taking the time to explore each other, not rushing through it, eye contact while pleasuring each other, no f'ing giggling , and I'd like him to be more take charge. I got freakin Kama Sutra honey dust in the bedroom closet, collecting dust cause I got no one to use it on or with. :-/ Then, he had nerve to be offended when I bought a dildo once. -_- I did have a vibrator, but I threw it away cause I wanted to give him a chance to please me. Bad idea.


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## unlovedunfulfilled (Mar 18, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Stop thinking so quietly, he can't hear you.
> 
> Talk to him, move him, show him, tell him. Next time he's heading south, point to where you want him to go. Tell him, "right there big boy!" Tell him, "harder, faster, yes that's perfect keep doing that!"
> 
> ...



I was only 'thinking quietly' because I didn't want to insult him. I didn't want him to feel bad about himself. Sometimes, I can be too blunt, and not nice about it either. Sometimes though, I have ended up stopping in the middle of intercourse or oral (receiving), and just said, 'Oh just forget it. I'm not feeling this'.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

How flipping frustrated you must feel. What an Eh hole!!!

He doesn't respect you enough to listen or perform as you like even though you've made it very clear of your desires. I am speachless. You can't change him....so what are you going to do for yourself now?


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

spots said:


> I've been orgasming by myself for the past 8 years and I'm afraid it's ruined me.


you need to talk to him about it.. I had a girlfriend that had a hard time getting any...

We talked about it and we tried different things until we got her going.. then it became easy for her..

I don't have that issue with my wife now.. well.. we dont do it that often .. but she can get orgasms without any issues.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unlovedunfulfilled said:


> I was only 'thinking quietly' because I didn't want to insult him. I didn't want him to feel bad about himself. Sometimes, I can be too blunt, and not nice about it either. Sometimes though, I have ended up stopping in the middle of intercourse or oral (receiving), and just said, 'Oh just forget it. I'm not feeling this'.


Unlovedunfullfilled, I can just imagine how very much this hurts! Sometime I really wish a husband or wife could pull their other half to the computer, sit their behinds down, read the thread and then type an explanation about why they steadfastly remain ignorant!

I've got two last suggestions.

Charlie Parker's post above recommended a book. Get it. Read it, Give it to him and MAKE him read it. "I feel rushed a lot of times and I think this book will help US." Agaian you're taking the route that promotes togetherness and not blame.

If he refuses to read it...you have indeed married a selfish turd and at that point remove the gloves and lay it all out without apology. There will likely be heavy fall out from this, anger, distance, maybe even some ED. But if it takes that much to get through...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

spots said:


> I'm 26 and I've never experienced the big O with anyone. (I want to punch everyone in the face.)
> 
> How do I express this to my husband?


Learn to have these solo first.

Sex begins way before we get to the bed. Connecting well in advance. In fact connecting the day before can setup the pathways in our brains to crank up excitement or to make you feel comfortable enough to let it happen.

I have not read the rest of this but I would think your spouse give you full body nude sensuous massages would help you get ready. Then they can perform oral sex on you.

You riding him cowgirl can put you in control so you can guide things along.

But indeed you need to feel your partner cares.

Intimacy is what you both need.

You may want to do His Needs Her Needs together. No this is not about having orgasms but it is about meeting needs. 

Again start learning to have orgasms on your own. Try a Hitachi Magic Wand.


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## unlovedunfulfilled (Mar 18, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> How flipping frustrated you must feel. What an Eh hole!!!
> 
> He doesn't respect you enough to listen or perform as you like even though you've made it very clear of your desires. I am speachless. You can't change him....so what are you going to do for yourself now?


Yes, I am very frustrated.  That is true. I always feel like there is something wrong with me, or that I'm not worth the trouble. We already sleep separately. This started when the children started being born. It has sort of stayed like that for the past 9 years. I am just about ready to bid our physical relationship 'adieu' and bury it and walk away from that part of our marriage.


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## unlovedunfulfilled (Mar 18, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Unlovedunfullfilled, I can just imagine how very much this hurts! Sometime I really wish a husband or wife could pull their other half to the computer, sit their behinds down, read the thread and then type an explanation about why they steadfastly remain ignorant!
> 
> I've got two last suggestions.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your advice. I will get that book soon. Then, I will try to muster the strength to try yet again in this situation. I'm just not sure I want to anymore.


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