# Advice please



## RyanWSU1975 (Aug 15, 2016)

I found out recently that my wife slept with someone from work in the past. I have mentioned that I know about it to my wife in hopes that she will just be honest with me so we can talk about it. However, she turns it on me saying I am suspicious and she has had enough. A lot of deflecting and lying. I was hoping she would just be honest given the opportunity. The other issue is how I obtained this information. It was shady but in my mind necessary since my gut told me I was right. She may never admit to this unless I tell her how I came into the information. Then, it will be about that rather than her sleeping with another guy. What is the best way to bring this up in a way so that she knows I really do know about it without giving up my way of finding out?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

It's not clear from your post....did she cheat on you with him or was this a guy she slept with prior to you starting your relationship?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> What is the best way to bring this up in a way so that she knows I really do know about it without giving up my way of finding out?


You drop it and serve her with divorce papers.

Never tell her how you know.


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## RyanWSU1975 (Aug 15, 2016)

We are nearing our 5 year anniversary and we have 2 children. It happened during the summer I believe, so yes, during the marriage she had this affair.


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## RyanWSU1975 (Aug 15, 2016)

So messy with the kids involved. And of course we would both fight tooth and nail for custody. It would be ugly.


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## RyanWSU1975 (Aug 15, 2016)

What if she never cops to it unless you reveal how you know??


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

If you tell us how you found out we can come up with an alternate story to tell her.

For example, you hired a private detective, an acquaintance told you.

THIS is key------->When she tells you she has had enough........believe her. 

She does not value you or your feelings. If she did, she would not, the stray cat become.

You are in a tough spot. Do not rug-sweep this. DO NOT RUG SWEEP THIS.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ButtPunch said:


> You drop it and serve her with divorce papers.
> 
> Never tell her how you know.


If you are 100% sure that she did the ill-deed, the wiping divorce papers after her pooping session is the only answer. Otherwise she will stink up your life for [ever and more].

Tell us that you are 100% sure that she cheated. This information is crucial for us TAM responders to make a proper determination.


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## FoghornLeghorn (Nov 15, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> If you tell us how you found out we can come up with an alternate story to tell her.
> 
> For example, you hired a private detective, an acquaintance told you.
> 
> ...



I don't understand the need to make her admit to it. If he knows it happened, then making her cough it up just seems like a way to humiliate her, you might as well just start the divorce.

To save the marriage, you would have to find a very safe setting, perhaps counseling, explain your commitment to the marriage, that you want to make it better, FORGIVE her, and listen very carefully to her side of it, and then bury it forever and completely. Otherwise, if you want a full admission of guilt, you're effectively establishing a narrative where your sins are acceptable and hers are not. Thus the marriage will forever be morally unequal, you will be on the moral high ground, you will always have a trump card to play if things go bad, she knows that you can tell your kids and family that she slept around, etc.; such a marriage is intolerable. No one can live the rest of their life in the doghouse for one mistake.

It shouldn't surprise you that she doesn't want to talk about. You see this as a bad sign. Actually, it's a good sign. It means she feels guilt and shame about it. That means she doesn't want to do it again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> She may never admit to this unless I tell her how I came into the information. Then, it will be about that rather than her sleeping with another guy. What is the best way to bring this up in a way so that she knows I really do know about it without giving up my way of finding out?


First, if you're not still monitoring her via that source, give it up; who cares if she knows how.

Second, she is free to try to make it about that all she wants. YOUR role is to hold resolute to THE ISSUE and, I hope, your unwillingness to remain married unless she comes clean.

There ARE no other issues until this is resolved. 

Picture yourself as one of those people who stands still while the whole world conducts itself all around you; you are a rock; you require an answer (your boundary) and if she won't give you that answer you will have to enact your consequence to protect yourself from a woman who won't be his honest partner. It then becomes her choice what to do; you aren't telling her she has to do one or the other - you simply ask her to be aware of what your consequence will be if she chooses not to give you what you need from her.


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## RyanWSU1975 (Aug 15, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> If you are 100% sure that she did the ill-deed, the wiping divorce papers after her pooping session is the only answer. Otherwise she will stink up your life for [ever and more].
> 
> Tell us that you are 100% sure that she cheated. This information is crucial for us TAM responders to make a proper determination.


100% sure.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

FoghornLeghorn said:


> I don't understand the need to make her admit to it. If he knows it happened, then making her cough it up just seems like a way to humiliate her, you might as well just start the divorce.
> 
> To save the marriage, you would have to find a very safe setting, perhaps counseling, explain your commitment to the marriage, that you want to make it better, FORGIVE her, and listen very carefully to her side of it, and then bury it forever and completely. Otherwise, if you want a full admission of guilt, you're effectively establishing a narrative where your sins are acceptable and hers are not. Thus the marriage will forever be morally unequal, you will be on the moral high ground, you will always have a trump card to play if things go bad, she knows that you can tell your kids and family that she slept around, etc.; such a marriage is intolerable. No one can live the rest of their life in the doghouse for one mistake.
> 
> It shouldn't surprise you that she doesn't want to talk about. You see this as a bad sign. Actually, it's a good sign. *It means she feels guilt and shame about it. That means she doesn't want to do it again*.


No. It means she is afraid she is going to lose her marriage if she admits it. Guilt and shame would be her coming clean, fully and openly, and accepting what ever consequences arise from her decision to cheat.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> 100% sure.


So what is the benefit in hearing her admit it, aside from hearing her admit it? How will that change your direction? As for that...what IS your direction right now?


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## RyanWSU1975 (Aug 15, 2016)

I don't know my direction. That is why I would rather have her come clean so I can understand the situation better. What if this was one of many? So much that I do not know. If it were just her and I, I would already be at the attorney's office. With 2 young children, I am hesitant to do that until I know more from her about all of this. 

And I agree with you. She does not want to be the one that messed up. If she felt guilty, she would have told me before or when I have asked her about it. So far, it is just deny and deflect. Of course that puts up a red flag that there is more going on. 

The other issue is, in my opinion, once someone cheats, they feel they can do it again.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> I don't know my direction. That is why I would rather have her come clean so I can understand the situation better. What if this was one of many? So much that I do not know. If it were just her and I, I would already be at the attorney's office. With 2 young children, I am hesitant to do that until I know more from her about all of this.
> 
> And I agree with you. She does not want to be the one that messed up. If she felt guilty, she would have told me before or when I have asked her about it. So far, it is just deny and deflect. Of course that puts up a red flag that there is more going on.
> 
> The other issue is, in my opinion, once someone cheats, they feel they can do it again.


I can understand you wanting to know the complete truth so to make a good decision on your path. It appears your W will not come clean unless she absolutely has too. If you have damning evidence then state you do and what it is. Where you got it from makes no difference. Your W will then feel only remorse for getting caught and you are still in the same position. A W who has compartmentalized the A and appears to be able to live with it. That does not sit well if you ask me. 

If you feel someone who cheats believes they can cheat again why stay in the marriage?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> 100% sure.


100% sure. 

When I was a lad we had an oil company named "Pure".

Their Motto was, "Be sure with Pure".
..........................................................................................................................
Your wife is no longer pure.

Her version of pure is pure bee-ess [BS].

She purrs with/for other men, no longer you.

She purely has left you with no other decision. You must be willing to lose her to win her back, is TAM's motto.

In the purist concoction of that motto, you have already lost her.

Wait, wait! I said that wrong.... she lost you, she dumped you when she opened her legs to the other man. The POSOM. 

You are not divorcing her....she divorced you. Oh, she forgot to tell you. :-(


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Please 

OP don't use your kids as an excuse to stay with a cheater wife.


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## RyanWSU1975 (Aug 15, 2016)

I agree with you of course. But I look at our little girls and think of how messy it would be and how hurt they would be by all of this. It kills me to think I would not be with them 100% of the time. But I cannot be with someone who can cheat. 

I don't know how people go through this.


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## RyanWSU1975 (Aug 15, 2016)

Although I did make an appointment for a consultation with a divorce lawyer in order to learn more about the process and my options.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> I don't know how people go through this.


They do and it sucks every time.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

FoghornLeghorn said:


> I don't understand the need to make her admit to it. If he knows it happened, then making her cough it up just seems like a way to humiliate her, you might as well just start the divorce.
> 
> To save the marriage, you would have to find a very safe setting, perhaps counseling, explain your commitment to the marriage, that you want to make it better, FORGIVE her, and listen very carefully to her side of it, and then bury it forever and completely. Otherwise, if you want a full admission of guilt, you're effectively establishing a narrative where your sins are acceptable and hers are not. Thus the marriage will forever be morally unequal, you will be on the moral high ground, you will always have a trump card to play if things go bad, she knows that you can tell your kids and family that she slept around, etc.; such a marriage is intolerable. No one can live the rest of their life in the doghouse for one mistake.
> 
> It shouldn't surprise you that she doesn't want to talk about. You see this as a bad sign. Actually, it's a good sign. It means she feels guilt and shame about it. That means she doesn't want to do it again.


This has the potential to be a great post. The forgiving part is *Admirable*. It really is. This is no ding on you. You sound like a really decent man. 

Please save this sentiment for a person that you "know" to deserve it. 

The problem with forgiving her, not shaming her, not telling all her friends and family depends on what her rank is.

She could be *Admirable*. Her actions do not show this. She does not hold her head up, readily receiving salutes from her [at home crew]. She likely hangs her head down.

Without knowing "enough" about her, this Wayward Wife, we can only assign her the rank/paygrade..... Semen Recruit. That is no typo.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You don't have a marriage now, what do you want to save? Your children have already lost. 

A marriage is an agreement between two people. She broke that agreement. You don't need her confession to validate that fact.

You're just letting the fear of what will happen control you right now. Nothing will change until you do. It will only get worse for you and the children. 

Take control of what happens and be damned what your lying wife does or doesn't do. Stop letting her control the outcome. Rip the bandaid off. 

Best 

BTW, is she still in contact with him? Does his SO know?


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## RyanWSU1975 (Aug 15, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> You don't have a marriage now, what do you want to save? Your children have already lost.
> 
> A marriage is an agreement between two people. She broke that agreement. You don't need her confession to validate that fact.
> 
> ...


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## RyanWSU1975 (Aug 15, 2016)

They are in touch over the phone since they have actual business together and he lives in another state. I do believe he has SO. I was actually being vindictive and trying to find out so that I could share my information with her.

I hate reading what you posted, "your children have already lost." That is what kills me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> They are in touch over the phone since they have actual business together and he lives in another state. I do believe he has SO. I was actually being vindictive and trying to find out so that I could share my information with her.
> 
> I hate reading what you posted, "your children have already lost." That is what kills me.


Some of us are blunt. We are trying to push you "off center", to do what needs to be done.

I apologize for my remarks. I do not apologize for my thoughts.

Stop it!

Remember, "That which does not kill me, strengthens me". Get pissed, get determined.

I repeat, Fifty percent of marriages fail. You are not being singled out by Fate. These things, horrible things.....happen to good people. You have a whole bunch of years ahead of you. Find an honest women to share your life with. 

She failed you.

Your children will see you plenty. You will ensure that. The courts will ensure that.

And they will see you at your best.....without the strife, disgust-distrust, anguish that a continued marriage would bring.

See the attorney. Get the papers, blow up the other mans lies and deceit. Do this without telling your wife....tipping him and her off.

In the meantime, before your serve her divorce papers [at work would be nice] do the "180" actions and steps. 

If you were NOT hurt I would not comment as I have. You have a conscience. Her? It has left the living room.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> I agree with you of course. But I look at our little girls and think of how messy it would be and how hurt they would be by all of this. It kills me to think I would not be with them 100% of the time. * But I cannot be with someone who can cheat.*
> 
> I don't know how people go through this.


I feel for you man! I really do and it sucks! The hardest part is setting your path. 

You seem to have a set path. Now plan, get your ducks in a row.


do what i didn't do and regret it to this day. NUT UP.

also share your source here as someone recommended. TAM pros can help with those details.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> They are in touch over the phone since they have actual business together and he lives in another state. I do believe he has SO. I was actually being vindictive and trying to find out so that I could share my information with her.
> 
> I hate reading what you posted, "your children have already lost." That is what kills me.


If the 1st part of your reply is true, you really can't reconcile until your W gets a new job/quits her current one. It is not vindictive to notify the OBS (other betrayed spouse). If you were her, wouldn't you want to know? It is the right/humane thing to do.

Your 2nd paragraph is true and your W needs to bear the brunt of this, own up to it and be responsible for it. Sux, but IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.


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## RyanWSU1975 (Aug 15, 2016)

My main concern is that she moves back near her family with the kids. I just started a new job and don't want to disrupt that. At the same time, I do not want to be that far from the kids. Not knowing much about this, is there a way to prevent that from happening? Neither of us should not be allowed to just take the kids and move.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> What if she never cops to it unless you reveal how you know??


Unlike a court of law, he does not need to convince anyone else that she cheated. If he knows, then he also knows that his wife not only cheated on him, but shows her lack of remorse by continuing to lie about it. As others have said here, never, never give up your sources.


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## RyanWSU1975 (Aug 15, 2016)

My source was what you might say shady. Definitely not something that could be used in court.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> My main concern is that she moves back near her family with the kids. I just started a new job and don't want to disrupt that. At the same time, I do not want to be that far from the kids. Not knowing much about this, is there a way to prevent that from happening? Neither of us should not be allowed to just take the kids and move.


Is her family, out of state? She will not be able to legally do this unless you let her.
That's why you strike first and make your Lawyer aware she may try to leave with the kids.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> My main concern is that she moves back near her family with the kids. I just started a new job and don't want to disrupt that. At the same time, I do not want to be that far from the kids. Not knowing much about this, is there a way to prevent that from happening? Neither of us should not be allowed to just take the kids and move.


your lawyer would file an injunction preventing her from moving very far prior to D being settled. If she violates this, she is in contempt of court. YOU NEED A LAWYER ON THIS ASAP, if it is a real fear. Also, she could move out and file from her parents house, which puts you on the defensive and in a weaker position.

Just another thought. If she is that vindictive to steal your kids, she could attempt to get you arrested for DV. You may want to consider carrying a VAR.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> My main concern is that she moves back near her family with the kids. I just started a new job and don't want to disrupt that. At the same time, I do not want to be that far from the kids. Not knowing much about this, is there a way to prevent that from happening? Neither of us should not be allowed to just take the kids and move.


Talk to a lawyer and do not move out of the house. read top 10 mistakes men make in a div. follow that. read the threads over at the site that will come up when you find the article. 

Like you already said it will be a battle. and it will be. prepare for that and know it. fight the battle. Start reading the List. you will know what i mean. You owe your kids strength and foundation. the strength to fight for them against a manipulating lying WW.


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## RyanWSU1975 (Aug 15, 2016)

Yes, out of state. She would have help from family if she did that rather than do it here alone. I would be here alone too in that scenario. Would they look at her being close to family for help as something that may sway a custody decision?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Ryan, You'll need to decide what you're willing to do. You can't make her do anything she doesn't want to. 

Right now there are three choices. 

A) Drop the lies and the OM. Commit to the M and a better life.
B) Divorce and move on to better lives. 
C) Continue to share her with OM and allow others to control the narrative of your lives. 

Right now she is choosing "C". If you don't want to share your W with other men, if you don't want others to control your family's life, you must eliminate "C". 

Best

BTW, exposure isn't done out of vindictiveness. It's done so the life of other BS isn't controlled by the affair partners. Don't let them control your's and your children's. See a lawyer!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> My main concern is that she moves back near her family with the kids. I just started a new job and don't want to disrupt that. At the same time, I do not want to be that far from the kids. Not knowing much about this, is there a way to prevent that from happening? Neither of us should not be allowed to just take the kids and move.


Your STBX can not simply move away with the kids. There are court orders for visitations etc.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> My source was what you might say shady. Definitely not something that could be used in court.


The source is meaningless in the large scheme of things. Forget where you got it. You got the information and that is all.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Information not required, thank you.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> Yes, out of state. She would have help from family if she did that rather than do it here alone. I would be here alone too in that scenario. Would they look at her being close to family for help as something that may sway a custody decision?


If she is sure you will D and she really wants to screw you over, moving could be in her best interest. Lots of 'ifs' in that, but it is what it is. Given her support group is that far away, I would not want to be late to this dance. Especially if she goes out of state, makes anything way more complex for you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> Yes, out of state. She would have help from family if she did that rather than do it here alone. I would be here alone too in that scenario. Would they look at her being close to family for help as something that may sway a custody decision?


No, family location has nothing to do with custody. The parents location has everything to do with the custody decisions.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

How old are your kids? 

If they are is school and she takes them out of state im pretty sure any good lawyer will have a field day and any reasonable judge will see it for what it is. Because when shes gone she has abandoned the home.. you will get temp orders for the house etc and SHE gets visitation. and she will be forced to bring the kids back. 

seriously get a lawyer.


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## RyanWSU1975 (Aug 15, 2016)

Grapes said:


> How old are your kids?
> 
> If they are is school and she takes them out of state im pretty sure any good lawyer will have a field day. Because when shes gone she has abandoned the home.. you will get temp orders for the house etc and SHE gets visitation. and she will be forced to bring the kids back.
> 
> seriously get a lawyer.


I have a consultation next week!


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Ryan, I am curious about how you know. It seems that you are nervous about her finding out how you know. Also, what could you get from months ago that is 100% proof?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> My source was what you might say shady. Definitely not something that could be used in court.


To the people on TAM it is not shady to use GPS devices, voice activated recording devices, hidden cameras, private investigators, stake outs, computer and phone "look sees", etc.

You are not a "peeping Tom", nay thou were a **Shepard watching over your flock. The wolf took your prize Ewe, bastard! 

It is shady if the clouds block the Sun [suncmars!].

It is shady if you sit under an Elm tree in summer or under umbrella at the beach.

If you snooped till your nostrils dried up and found nothing it is not a shady day. It is Eden.

Eden came and went for you. 

It was your Eve who ate another's Adams Apple.

Sorry, Ryan.

.......................................................................................................................................................................................

**Tears to Weep-

When I lay me down to sleep, And cry the tears that sinners weep; To speak the words of a contrite prayer, And know that someone listens there. He cares for sheep that have gone astray, Who willfully wander their own way; They vex the pride that hides within, And drink the bitter cup of sin. The web of lies and dark deception, Lie in defeat of Light’s conception; To capture all and destroy life, With passion’s fire and human strife We need to plant the gospel vine, Where evil rules and saints repine. While martyrs lead with ransomed prayer, With hope for life that tarries there. Blood that was shed on Calvary, Set slaves of transgression wholly free. So we rise from the grave to seek reward, Giving praise to our risen Lord. Copyright © elizabeth wesley | Year Posted 2012


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> My main concern is that she moves back near her family with the kids. I just started a new job and don't want to disrupt that. At the same time, I do not want to be that far from the kids. Not knowing much about this, is there a way to prevent that from happening? Neither of us should not be allowed to just take the kids and move.


Dude, *that's what a lawyer is for. *


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Ryan,

Sorry to hear this.

DNA your children.

STD test for yourself.

If your WW is still communicating with the OM the affair continues.

Also get a polygraph for your WW.

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Ryan,

About the OM.

Expose his role in this affair to high heaven. 

Message everyone on his facebook, linkedin, parents, grandparents, siblings, church, professional associates, and especially his SO.

Do it all at once and without warning or threats. If they find out what you are up to they will try to say you are crazy.

The OM was willing to do this to your children, there is nothing vindictive about defending you kids.

Tamat


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

FoghornLeghorn said:


> I don't understand the need to make her admit to it. If he knows it happened, then making her cough it up just seems like a way to humiliate her, you might as well just start the divorce.
> 
> To save the marriage, you would have to find a very safe setting, perhaps counseling, explain your commitment to the marriage, that you want to make it better, FORGIVE her, and listen very carefully to her side of it, and then bury it forever and completely. Otherwise, if you want a full admission of guilt, you're effectively establishing a narrative where your sins are acceptable and hers are not. Thus the marriage will forever be morally unequal, you will be on the moral high ground, you will always have a trump card to play if things go bad, she knows that you can tell your kids and family that she slept around, etc.; such a marriage is intolerable. No one can live the rest of their life in the doghouse for one mistake.
> 
> *It shouldn't surprise you that she doesn't want to talk about. You see this as a bad sign. Actually, it's a good sign. It means she feels guilt and shame about it. That means she doesn't want to do it again.*


She is not necessarily guilty, she just wants to rug sweep because her discomfort is more important than her poor BH's knowing. This is typical cheater response. She hopes he will stop bugging her if she denies. Typical of an unremorseful cheater. A person who feels guilty and ashamed will confess and then bend over backwards to make their betrayed spouse feel better and help them through the pain of the betrayal. 
In this case OP, better you stop talking to her, begging her, etc. She has you between a rock and a hard place. If you cannot forgive her and are plagued with mind movies, best you give her divorce papers, do the 180 on her and tell your family and friends.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> To the people on TAM it is not shady to use GPS devices, voice activated recording devices, hidden cameras, private investigators, stake outs, computer and phone "look sees", etc.
> 
> You are not a "peeping Tom", nay thou were a **Shepard watching over your flock. The wolf took your prize Ewe, bastard!
> 
> ...


*Verily, Amen!

Ryan: There are legal and illegal ways to investigate the nadir of a cheating spouse! The only inherently illegal way is if you found out intentionally knowing that your due investigation of such broke state or federal wiretap laws, which involves phone, social media, internet, et. al.

Mail fraud is yet another possibility. A third is a violation of ones civil rights if a confession were illegally and unduly elicited out of a person with knowledge. And the fruit of such evidence, in the eyes of the court, would be deemed to be "tainted, " and therefore inadmissible!

Either way, your attorney must know how you found out solely to protect you. He cannot use that information but he still needs to know!

Regardless, you now know the sordid truth and the gross illegality of how you came to find out matters not one tinkers damn! You now know that you are married to a cheater who in all likelihood was only using you as a "Plan B" until something better came along for her!

Cheating on you was a unilateral decision on her part. Covertly dropping her drawers and inserting another persons manhood into her body was a gross violation of the Holy vows that she uttered when she married you! Why would you want to stay anywhere in proximity to deceit like that?

Get yourself a good piranha family attorney to take your case, more especially to keep her from crossing state lines with your daughters! Get a temporary restraining order forestalling that pronto!

Do "the 180" on her sorry a$$ immediately!

Do not leave the family domicile, because doing so could be legally interpreted as abandonment on your part!

Regarding joint financial assets, take only your share(vis-a-vis any possible community property splits)and protect them!

Lastly, get yourself to your MD to have yourself checked out for the presence of any STD's! After all, you may have been sleeping with her in good marital faith, fully not aware of the fact that she was bringing home "sloppy seconds" to your faithful naivety!

Sorry to see you here at TAM but you have brought your problem to the best possible place!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Ryan, 

Can you tell us about her behavior around that time frame and also about when you ask her about the affair, here's why, depending on what you recall and how persuasive you can be, you could use the behavior to tell you the truth. Also not body language as well, look up how to tell some one not being honest with you, via facial and body language.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Ryan, it is far far better for your children to have come from a broken home than to have to live in a broken home.

File, just file. The process can always be put on hold but the splash of cold reality in her face may shock her into coming clean with you, and herself.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Oh, and you may want to consider moving this thread over to the Coping With Infidelity area. Even more experienced advice over there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RyanWSU1975 said:


> Yes, out of state. She would have help from family if she did that rather than do it here alone. I would be here alone too in that scenario. Would they look at her being close to family for help as something that may sway a custody decision?


That's for your lawyer to work on. Trust me, if you have young kids, this is THE biggest event in your life, and you WILL want to pay for a good lawyer to ensure you end up with at least 50/50 custody. Way too many betrayed spouses have said 'oh, he'll/she'll never do that to me; I trust her' only to find themselves kicked out of the home and losing all custody.

You need a lawyer - *yesterday*.

My ex-SIL said that: I don't want anything, I just went out. And ended up playing some REALLY sneaky tricks to bust my brother out of millions he'd been saving for decades. All because he trusted her when she said she wouldn't hurt him. Once she got out of the house and didn't see him everyday, she turned into a money-grubbing monster.


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