# Newbie :: Married, Spouse works nights, 2 young kids - am I crazy?



## essgee (Apr 1, 2019)

Well, I never thought it would get to the point I'd be sharing and asking complete strangers for advice.

My spouse and I have been married almost 8 years (together for around 15). We have 2 small children (both lower school age) and work different schedules. She works nights, and switched to nights around 2 years ago (7p-7a) 3 days (weekend evenings and 1 weekday evening). Since the children were born she's always worked weekends (at first during the day). The purpose of this was to be home for the kids so we could avoid leaving our children with strangers, relying on family etc. However, since they are both in school now it really defeats the purpose in my point of view. When she gets home from work on the weekends she needs to go to sleep in order to go back in that evening. To me, being there sleeping is not really being there, in fact it's really more of a tease as she is there but unavailable without disrupting her sleep (explain that to 2 little ones). Now on her days off I am at work and the children are at school. Anyways, to make things worse, she decided (against my advice) to coach our oldests sports team - this steals more time away from us and even requires her to miss sleep when there are games on the weekend. The thing that really gets me frustrated is that she's willing to skip on sleep for coaching a team (we are talking a total of 3 hours of sleep between shifts), but often times will fall asleep from exhaustion when finishing her week and takes more time away from us - I get her "leftovers" if that makes any sense. I do care for her and know that this is not healthty, but she won't take advice from me.

Additionally, the days she works nights that fall into the work week require me to not leave for work until 8:15AM, so usually 2 days a week I am the last one in the office which sucks as you come in behind the 8 ball and then it's non-stop catch up often skipping lunch to make up for the lateness. Fortunately, work is "flexible" with this, but I know i'm being judged by counterparts who arrive at the same time every day - they don't say anything, but you know the feeling. I often work at home at night (after she passes out) to catch up and ensure things get done. I've explained this dozens of times and it really just seems she doesn't care, clearly or she'd find a way.

We just don't seem to see eye to eye anymore. We are constantly arguing (in front of the kids too, unfortunately) and I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm tired of her saying I don't pull my weight around the house when I clearly do and feel as if I do loads more as I also manage every outdoor chore on top of my share of dishes, laundry, cleaning and so on. Often times I've found her telling me she does stuff THAT I DID (like the dishes) - I just let it go as it's not even worth it anymore - I just don't do anything, lol. I just don't know if I can do it anymore, I'm exhausted from trying to bend over backwards to keep her happy when she uses a tired excuse for everything. I've explained that I feel like we simply live 2 different lives under the same house, and that I need the physical and emotional parts to a relationship that have slowly dissipated.

To make it even worse my attitude has gone south. I'm now finding myself always pissed off and grumpy and end up taking it out by yelling at the family and it's absolutely embarrassing and unacceptable. I make it a point to apologize and explain that there is no excuse for my behavior, but the damage had been done at that point. I feel like i'm turning into a monster and I'm happiest when I'm not at home (wtf?)?

Anyways, this post is all over the place and probably doesn't flow to well so I'm sorry in advance if you took the time to try and decipher this all. I just needed to vent a bit, a new way to try and cope with it all. As much as I hate to say it, I really don't know if I can suck it up any longer, bite the bullet, and not push toward separation. I feel like I'm failing as a husband and father and it really bothers me. I love them all so much and thinking about not being with them makes me sad as well - just don't see a good outcome. 

I welcome any positive/negative advice or requests for clarification.

-Newbie


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

I have a few questions . why doesn't she switch back to days since the kids are in school . and what does she do on her day off . is she always on her phone when she is home .


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

What alternatives are there to her current schedule? If she went back to weekdays, would you leave every day at 8:15? That doesn't sound like any improvement. It is fine to discuss the alternatives w/ her, but expecting her to "find a way" is only reasonable if something better is available.

I'm not sure how you talk to one another, but it is important. If she says she did a chore that you did, you should politely remind her that you did it. If she gets angry, just say "I am being calm and ask you to do the same. Why do you think you did the dishes? I remember doing them around 5 PM."

It is good that you recognize when you blow up and apologize for it. Make sure she knows you mean it when you apologize.

Does she know you feel like you can't do this any more? If you are really thinking you can't do this, insist on talking over the whole situation and if she doesn't want to, make sure she knows what is at stake. You're not saying this to get leverage, just so she isn't blindsided.

What would it take for you to feel like you could go on? What do you think she would like you to change? 

You can try to discuss this yourselves, but you will both have to be on your A-game about listening and being fair. Of course you can see a marriage counsellor who will mostly serve as a referee and maybe give a suggestion or two. If it helps you communicate, it is money well spent.

This doesn't sound easy, but on the other hand couples who were willing to work together have gotten through bigger things.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Actually let her know you want to set aside time in your schedule to have a serious discussion with her. Then sit at a table or somewhere and say all that you have said. Communication is key here, letting her know you are so far gone that you have actually considered if it is better to split up. Laying it all our might help you try to go on and save your small family. 

I always like to take the time to think...if your wife was writing this post about how your marriage is, _what would she say?_. Sometimes, just thinking it through how she may be seeing everything helps us (you) to be more understanding.

Glad you are here, I genuinely hope we can help. Welcome to TAM.


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