# Where are your boundaries with coworkers?



## candyfloral1 (Nov 19, 2019)

Hi all, I'm new. I've been married just over a year now and I'd say for the most part we are happy. He doesn't have many friends and my friends in town are just co-workers.. anyway, my husband went from working with all males and now has a new job working for the city. He enjoys his job but is also the new kid. Hes been there for about 4 months now and has slowly began to make some friends... 

Some key points to mention:
1. He has a young lady ditsy blonde co-worker who is about 10 years younger than him- lets call her "K". They're equals essentially. He would come home day after day saying "K did this. K did that. Blah blah blah about K." All i would hear everyday is about this girl. It got annoying. I mentioned it and left it alone. And then he was talking to her on the phone as he would walk in the door after work. Ok.. And then he would be texting her when at the gym. Ok.. so I mentioned it again. He called me crazy and said that its just work. Ok... whatever. Fast forward 3 months in, she threw him under the bus and took credit for his work and back stabbed him. Needless to say I don't hear about her any more.

Question for you: does your spouse talk with opposite sex co-workers at home? Text? Call? Where is the line???

2. He has another female co-worker.. 10+ years older. But she is a lesbian and well not very feminine- lets call her "B". Anyway, now all I hear about is "B this and B that and Blah blah blah B." And same thing, this lady is texting him early in the morning, late at night at 10pm! And even on the weekends! We were in the bahamas for a short weekend trip and she was texting him. I asked him what was up and he was like "Oh she has no friends, shes into females and shes nice, theres nothing going on here." And then yesterday he mentions "Oh B got me this special lotion for my dry skin.." Anyway, am I just crazy or is this chick starting to cross some lines? Why are you buying my husband lotion? WTF?

This past weekend I was cleaning the kitchen, sweeping the floors, cooking, and all the while my husband was on his phone texting B. I was like wtf. I'm over here cleaning.. he can't even OFFER to help and is just texting this girl? I just about lost it and said "WTF man! You're over there texting your lesbian girlfriend while I'm over here cleaning OUR house?!"

This then escalated into an argument and needless to say I was more mad and upset about the texting than the cleaning.

Anyway, my question here is where is this line? I know she is a lesbian but for me I feel like she is crossing it and he is letting her. Would it bother you if your spouse had that type of relationship going on?

How do I address this? Am I just crazy? How can I tell him this is bothering me without sounding like a jealous wife?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The line is wherever YOU are not comfortable. Even if there is no chance of anything sexual happening between them, he is still putting time and energy into a woman who is not his wife. He should be conscious of what he does and respect how you feel about it. This is clearly something that he thinks is okay, based on your account of it happening previously with K. That was even worse, because there WAS a chance of things happening between them, and his carrying on with her was completely inappropriate. If he wants to be free to talk to whatever woman he wants, whenever he wants to, he needs to go back to being single. Otherwise, he needs to respect his wife's feelings. You need to draw that line, and be serious about what happens if it is crossed.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

It would bother me for sure and yes, there are lines and you get to determine where those lines are. Have you explained to him that what he's doing may be causing real damage? If so, does he seem to not "get it"? If yes, then that's where your problem lies. He needs to wake the hell up.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, I NEVER TEXT any woman I work with outside of work (and rarely text folks I do work with outside of work hours). For any texts, they are always related to work (the only exception are a couple of guys I became good friends with).

3x is correct -- these are YOUR boundaries, and you need to enforce/he needs to understand and accept.? I see no worries about you telling him, "hey i need some help -- can you text later?" HE needs to understand and show that YOU are his priority, not someone at work.

If you have a chance to grab his phone, look at the texts they are sending back/forth. You are taking HIS word that she is a lesbian..... Make sure he isn't deleting conversations, etc.. Better safe than sorry.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The most common way that a man lies about a woman he’s attracted to is by saying she is unattractive or gay.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Totally inappropriate but obviously your husband doesn't see it that way. I'm not sure how to make someone else feel the same as you do about boundaries if they just don't. I think you need to come to your own understanding about your husband and his lack of boundaries and decide if that's something you can handle.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Tell your husband it appears he is longing to be single and if that is the case you can make it happen in a heartbeat. If that is not his desire, then he needs to start acting like a husband rather than a ditzy teenager. 

No man in his right mind would think that yammering on about another woman or sitting on his ass and texting another woman while his wife does all the work would be acceptable to his wife.

Aren't there any men where he works that he can chat with?


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

You guys need to have a heart to heart regarding your boundaries. Whether he's involved in anything shady or not, he's obviously not making you his priority. 

Get ahold of this now. If the right person comes along at the right time and says the right things to him, he'll be extremely vulnerable based on his careless personal boundaries. 

As others have said- get his phone. Check those messages. Thoroughly.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Everything you have said is over the boundaries.

If you did this how would he feel ? Tell him how this 
makes you feel. Check his phone for messages. Trust 
your gut feelings there usually right. This isn't something
he should be doing anyways. If one of them gets upset or
angry at him then it could get bad. You said ( texted )
this or that to me. 

Friends are one thing, this is over the line.


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## candyfloral1 (Nov 19, 2019)

Thank you for all of the replies! I'm happy to know that you all see that what he is doing is not "what good husbands do." And that his actions are very concerning. The times that I've addressed the issue he flips it around and tells me that I'm insecure or that I'm complaining. It causes so much tension and stress between us. He seems to think that I need to just trust him regardless. He has a lock on his phone so I haven't gotten into it. I'm sure if I asked him it would cause a stir.

Hes a good looking guy and he is just oblivious to how other women are. He attributes the lesbian co-workers action to her just "being nice." I try to tell him that some women don't care if you're married or not and just flirt and go after the man. 

It really gets me down. It's hard to have a conversation with him when he automatically takes my concerns as complaining and nagging. 

How do you all deal with that? I don't have many people to talk to about this stuff so I'm glad I found this forum.


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## candyfloral1 (Nov 19, 2019)

He has made some male friends at work.. he mentions about them. But do they text him at the odd hours or on the weekend??? NO!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Unfortunately you have married a man who seems to have few boundaries with the opposite sex. Not sure how you can make him see how wrong what he is doing is. Texting women outside work is a big no no.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

What kind of work is it?

I used to have this job at a large engine distributor. Besides all the shop people I had 5 office people working for me. 

1. Amanda .... big tits...loved to show them and talking about f-ing
2. XYZ....can’t remember her name, payroll, short skirt, no panties ever, loved to sit on my desk
3. Brenda....cute girl, walked with a limp, bubble butt. I never really figured out what she did but she had the “hot crippled “ thing figured out perfectly 
4. Nancy ...biker chick, huge fake tits and mean as hell. I was scared of her.
5. Bobby....the only dude besides me in the office. He was fat as Fock and had been working there like 137 years.


So Big tits F talking Amanda and I were on the phone all the time about work junk. Seriously.... only work. Being in the service provision industry was like that. My wife didn’t like it so much but really there wasn’t anything else I could do. 

So anyways my boss ended up nailing the girl in the department next door that was a stripper turned secretary. I don’t know what that has to do with the point I was trying to make but thought I would through it in there...

I drank a lot during that job....sometimes on the way to work!!!!!


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I agree with everyone else...the boundaries are what you decide they are...to that end it's time to sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband about what YOUR boundaries are and how it makes you feel when he steps outside them. Calmly discuss it, no yelling or fighting about it. I'd ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same things with a male coworker. If he says he wouldn't care and you get no resolution, find a male coworker to talk with and about constantly. He see real quickly that he does care.

Good luck!!!


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## candyfloral1 (Nov 19, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> What kind of work is it?


He has a city job... he's a city inspector so he's partly in the office doing review and out on the field making sure things are up to code... In the city office there's a huge mix of males and females and although his department is small, its still diverse.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

candyfloral1 said:


> Thank you for all of the replies! I'm happy to know that you all see that what he is doing is not "what good husbands do." And that his actions are very concerning. The times that I've addressed the issue he flips it around and tells me that I'm insecure or that I'm complaining. It causes so much tension and stress between us. He seems to think that I need to just trust him regardless. He has a lock on his phone so I haven't gotten into it. I'm sure if I asked him it would cause a stir.
> 
> Hes a good looking guy and he is just oblivious to how other women are. He attributes the lesbian co-workers action to her just "being nice." I try to tell him that some women don't care if you're married or not and just flirt and go after the man.
> 
> ...


He is disrespecting you by dismissing your concerns as complaining and nagging. OK. He isn't giving you what you want - respect in the marriage and respect for the marriage. What is it he wants from you? Food, clean clothes, sex, companionship? If you don't get what you want, he doesn't get what he wants. Period. 

See how he likes having his wants and needs dismissed. It really is as simple as that.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

It sounds like you have two issues - his behavior towards you and his interactions with women. If he's sitting on his ass talking to other guys, that doesn't make that behavior any better. He's either being a good partner or not.

As for the women, that's something every couple needs to work out. Some here believe that married men and women cannot or should not be friends. I'm more on the opposite extreme as most of my current friends are women and many of my wife's friends are men. I text many of my women friends fairly frequently individually and in groups. There is nothing sly or secretive about it. Each has a distinctive ring tone, so my wife knows exactly who is texting me. She can easily unlock my phone and she regularly responds to incoming texts for me when I'm busy. That's not a trust issue thing - it's just convenient. Maybe it helps that I'm not an attractive man by any definition (accept my wife's), although she's gorgeous for her age. It also helps that ALL of my female friends absolutely adore my wife. She's greeted like a celebrity when she comes to the office. One of my male coworkers laments in a judgy sort of way that his wife would never let him work out or go to lunch with another woman. His relationship with his wife is different than mine is with my wife. Every couple is different and has to work out what is acceptable for them.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

candyfloral1 said:


> It's hard to have a conversation with him when he automatically takes my concerns as complaining and nagging.
> 
> How do you all deal with that?


I'll tell you EXACTLY how I would deal with your situation. To begin with, I wouldn't have tolerated it this long. However, since you have (tolerated it, that is) and since you asked …

"I am not nagging. However, I am complaining. And I will do this once more. You either pull the plug on all this texting and talking with female coworkers, or be prepared to meet the consequences of your actions. Our marriage takes precedence over your coworkers. I expect you to put the phone away and interact with me in the evenings. Nothing short of that is acceptable."

Here's the thing: You set a boundary for what you find acceptable/unacceptable. You don't issue an ultimatum unless you are willing to keep it. You state your boundary. Then you enforce it. Unless you are willing to stand strong and enforce, be prepared for more of the same. And from the way your husband disrespectfully responds to your concerns, it sounds like he knows he can do whatever the hell he wants to do and you will put up with it. Seriously.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Yep - what she said. The time for conversation is over.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

candyfloral1 said:


> He has made some male friends at work.. he mentions about them. But do they text him at the odd hours or on the weekend??? NO!


Your husband develops connections with women he works with.

How did you two meet?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I keep clear boundaries with people at work, even my former "work wife." However, if they are friend material, my wife gets to meet them and we go from there. Usually, we have them out/over to dinner, or various events in town. As long as it's okay that you meet them and get to know them, there is seldom an issue. If you want to meet them and don't get to, then there may be a problem. It IS normal to talk about people at work with whom you interact a lot. NOT saying anything about them is a much greater potential problem. A lot of communication outside of work is a possible problem - unless you've met and are included some of the time. It may be on YOU to take the initiative to ask to meet them - see how that goes before making a judgment.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

candyfloral1 said:


> Fast forward 3 months in, she threw him under the bus and took credit for his work and back stabbed him. Needless to say I don't hear about her any more.


I'm assuming *he* told you this story.

Could be true, could be a lie. Personally, it sounds more like something went bad between the two of them and it _wasn't_ work related. Maybe her boyfriend or husband caught these two up to no good and put a quick end to their 'friendship.' Maybe she became too much of a liability for him because she's too ditzy to keep her mouth shut or maybe she became too demanding and he had to cut her loose. My spidey senses are telling me his story about her back-stabbing him so they're not friends anymore just sounds *so* phony.



> But she is a lesbian and well not very feminine- lets call her "B".


LOL.

If I literally had a dime for every married man who has TOLD his wife that his lady friend was a *lesbian*, I'd honestly be rich.

So the first 'friend' was a "ditz" and therefore, no one to worry about. The second one is a "lesbian" so surprise - again, there's nothing to worry about!

How *serendipitous* that both of these women just happen to have supposed qualities that would prevent him from ever crossing the line. Why, it's a Christmas miracle!

I'm just being realistic, but how do you know - *with 100% certainty* - that this latest 'friend' is truly a lesbian? Is it based on what he told you and because she's not overly feminine? Look, I loved my prior boss to death but when I first met her, I thought she was a lesbian. She had this really short spiky hair and the tips in front were very light at the ends. It just looked like a butch haircut to me. Come to find out, she was the most loving wife and mother and not even close to being a lesbian. So unless you personally *KNOW* or have seen her with her 'wife' or 'domestic partner,' then you really DON'T know if she's a lesbian or not. You can only assume based on what your husband claims.

I think your husband is full of **** and you need to stop making excuses for him, such as "he's very good-looking and is just _*oblivious*_ to how women are..."  He knows exactly what he's doing. And if he really IS good looking (and it's not just your opinion because you love him) then you'd better *believe *he knows exactly what he's doing. But he'll put on that wide-eyed look of pure puppy dog innocence for YOU every time you call him on his ****. Yes ma'am, he sure will. Is the guy an idiot? Is he 15 years old? I mean, unless the guy is an idiot or he's a teenager, then he's not as clueless and obtuse about women as you want so badly to believe he is.

I think if you start digging, you're going to find some things you're *not *going to like. But you need to take off the rose-colored glasses. He's too old (and the wrong gender) to be the ingenue you keep trying to make him out to be.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm assuming *he* told you this story.
> 
> Could be true, could be a lie. Personally, it sounds more like something went bad between the two of them and it _wasn't_ work related. .



OOOoooohhhhhhh ........ damn that could be a bulls eye right there !


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your husband is failing to make you feel safe. 

This issue with coworkers is not uncommon. Your concern and his reaction (you're jealous and/or unreasonable) is pretty typical. 

IMO, the biggest mistake you can make is to not react strong enough (show zero tolerance for his behavior). Texting and receiving attention from other women is addictive. Being nice or understanding will be viewed as you being weak and giving him a free pass to do what he wants ...

As long as he believes you will continue to tolerate his behavior (or there's nothing you can do because he's in total control) he is unlikely to change. 

Unless you're willing to divorce him he's probably not going to take you seriously (and it's too soon to play that card).

IMO you may be able to reason with him by demonstrating that his behavior is placing his marriage at risk. Maybe not today or next week, but he's on a slippery slope toward destroying his family.

I suggest you both read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. Why? because it's based on research of couples that actually experienced infidelity. The research identifies specific attitudes & excuses, behaviors, and boundaries (they crossed) that exposed their marriage to the slippery slope of infidelity.

The book validates your concerns and he will have a difficult time dismissing your concerns as jealousy etc. 

After reading this book, your husband may then insist the book doesn't apply to 'him'. However, it's not just about him. 

It's about his behavior making you feel unsafe; and his behavior exposing his family (his kids) to a high probability of destruction. 

As part of this discussion your husband has to believe that (in view of you educating him about his risky behavior) he won't get a second chance. If he cheats, then it's a divorce.

If he brushes off the book and continues his behavior, I suggest you stop acting like his wife (read up on the 180) and make an appointment with a divorce attorney (the first hour is usually free). Why? because it sends a message & reminds him that you are serious (and he has something to loose if he doesn't change his behavior).


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> What kind of work is it?
> 
> I used to have this job at a large engine distributor. Besides all the shop people I had 5 office people working for me.
> 
> ...


........Are they hiring?.......


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Betrayedone said:


> ........Are they hiring?.......


https://stewartandstevenson.com/careers/people-culture


Good Luck !!!!!!


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## candyfloral1 (Nov 19, 2019)

You've all made such insightful comments and I'm super appreciative.

He called me when he was coming home from work and I said "can we we talk when you get home?" and he said "Ahh sure okay why?? Whats up?" And I said "We can talk about it when you get here."
I definitely caught him by surprise and he had that shock of him knowing he did something wrong.

Anyway, so he got home and we had the "heart to heart". I even had a notebook with all of the points you've all made for me to bring up. He actually sat and listened and looked me in the eyes. 

I told him how I felt. How I was feeling uncomfortable with the amount of communication he was doing with "B" outside of work and how I don't care if you think she is "being nice"- I'm not okay with it. I set my boundary. I told him no more late texts and calls from her. I told him "I'M YOUR WIFE. I should be your priority! I don't care if her feelings get hurt by you not replying, the only feelings that matter in this situation are mine! Do you understand that?" 

I proceeded to tell him that no woman should be buying you lotion for whatever reason. He said "it was on my desk when I got to work." (So this lesbian chick goes out of his way to buy him lotion? WTF.) And I said well that's going to stop. I don't need some lady buying my man lotion. I told him, "how would you feel is Dr. X bought me perfume and lotion? That's cool with you then?" And you should have seen his eyes light up.

I could easily talk his ear off about all of the handsome orthopedic docs I work with but I don't because I know how it would make him feel insecure. If only he got that through his noggin... 

Anyway... After I set my boundaries he said "I'm sorry. Its my fault for not drawing a line with "B" but you've got to understand that shes like a dude." To which I replied, "well most dudes don't text late at night or talk on the phone. And dudes definitely don't go out of their way to buy lotion for them." (Is it just me or would that piss you off? The lotion thing.)

And then he said "You're my world and you know that you're my wife. And whatever I can do to make things better." 
We then did that 5 love languages quiz to really understand each other.
He then even proceeded to do the dishes after dinner without me asking. 
And then we hit the gym, got boba and we swung by Target and he treated me to some new airpods. He was either being nice or feeling super guilty for this ****. 

After that heart to heart I think he could really feel the hurt I've been holding in. Not to be bias or toot my own horn but I try hard to be a good wife and not a pushover. But I learn to pick my battles. I did what you all recommended and talked calmly without fighting or raising my voice. Being in a new marriage is hard. But now I learned that I really have to put my foot down about what I accept. And if he is not going to change or understand this I told him that he is going to lose me. I took those vows and I told him I intend to keep them but in no way do I need him to survive.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I must be a prude because, l am not some superhuman who can do this to my wife and live with myself. It's not that l am weak but rather aware that anything is possible. And I would expect the same from my wife. So the time has come to. 
Have courage. Face the truth, feel the hurt the anger, the sadness, the rage and the nothing. 
Of your H is placing you below all of his text buddies. As it was said already, be ready to back it up. If not he will continue to do as he pleases in this and other activities he feels he has earned a right to do.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

candyfloral1 said:


> You've all made such insightful comments and I'm super appreciative.
> 
> Not to be bias or toot my own horn but I try hard to be a good wife and not a pushover. But I learn to pick my battles. I did what you all recommended and talked calmly without fighting or raising my voice. Being in a new marriage is hard. But now I learned that I really have to put my foot down about what I accept. And if he is not going to change or understand this I told him that he is going to lose me. I took those vows and I told him I intend to keep them but in no way do I need him to survive.



You.....Did......Awesome !!!!!!!


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I see your reply after l was finished tapping my post. Good for you and being the one who is safeguarding the marriage. And you did it with the authority of a loving and caring spouse. Now let see if he can do it. 
If not his is walking on the road of infidelity. Addiction of more than friends will rear it's head sooner than expected, why he needs his fix. Then bring the hammer down because any thing to do with him is a nail. Drive all of them nails down.


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

Good job! Never apologize for safeguarding your marriage.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Your marriage, your boundaries
Keep enforcing them. He should 
have known better, now he does.


That " But she is like a dude " excuse 
I would not want guys buying me lotion.
and I am a guy. I really wouldn't want any 
friends or coworkers buying me lotion.
Lunch is where I draw the line .


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Great job communicating and setting your boundaries! I hope it sticks with him.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Bravo!!!!! I especially love that you said you don't need him. Giving you a standing ovation!!!

PS-Hell YES that lotion would piss me off. I would've made a big show of throwing it in the trash. Not the most mature, I know.

PPS-maybe it's time to bake some treats and show up at his office? Make your presence known. Extra insurance just in case.:grin2:


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

duplicate


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

candyfloral1 said:


> You've all made such insightful comments and I'm super appreciative.
> 
> He called me when he was coming home from work and I said "can we we talk when you get home?" and he said "Ahh sure okay why?? Whats up?" And I said "We can talk about it when you get here."
> I definitely caught him by surprise and he had that shock of him knowing he did something wrong.
> ...


Realize with the talk, setting boundaries and letting your H know that you do no share your H with anyone brings your marriage to a different level. Communicating and openness.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I understand your anger, 100%, and if it were me in that situation, I may have also reacted with a great deal of anger towards a H who does something like this. But, knowing what I know now about how relationships and marriages work, you probably would have had better luck and a better reaction from him had you sat him down and calmly told him how this is making you feel.

As to your question: I work directly with a man around my age, and my boss is also male. I have their personal cell phone numbers, but the only time I contact them is if I’m running late or am sick. They aren’t on my social media either. The only time I’ve seen any of my male coworkers outside of work is for our Corporate Challenge events, or a group drink/billiards evening after work, but there are a bunch of people there, both men and women.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Ursula said:


> I understand your anger, 100%, and if it were me in that situation, I may have also reacted with a great deal of anger towards a H who does something like this. But, knowing what I know now about how relationships and marriages work, you probably would have had better luck and a better reaction from him had you sat him down and calmly told him how this is making you feel.


She said she spoke to him calmly without anger.

Great job OP!!! I hope he takes your words to heart.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

notmyjamie said:


> She said she spoke to him calmly without anger.
> 
> Great job OP!!! I hope he takes your words to heart.


Ah, I guess I didn't get that far on the thread. This is the post that I read and responded to, which, in the first paragraph alludes to what she _wanted_ to say but didn't, but then she says that it then escalated into an argument. So TBH, I'm not really sure what happened now.



candyfloral1 said:


> This past weekend I was cleaning the kitchen, sweeping the floors, cooking, and all the while my husband was on his phone texting B. I was like wtf. I'm over here cleaning.. he can't even OFFER to help and is just texting this girl? I just about lost it and said "WTF man! You're over there texting your lesbian girlfriend while I'm over here cleaning OUR house?!"
> 
> This then escalated into an argument and needless to say I was more mad and upset about the texting than the cleaning.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

candyfloral1 said:


> You've all made such insightful comments and I'm super appreciative.
> 
> He called me when he was coming home from work and I said "can we we talk when you get home?" and he said "Ahh sure okay why?? Whats up?" And I said "We can talk about it when you get here."
> I definitely caught him by surprise and he had that shock of him knowing he did something wrong.
> ...


Good for you; sounds like the talk went really well!! :smile2:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Good job!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So....we're still sticking to the assumption his 'friend' is a lesbian and his first 'friend' stabbed him in the back professionally and that's why they're suddenly no longer 'friends?'

Well alrighty, then.


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## candyfloral1 (Nov 19, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So....we're still sticking to the assumption his 'friend' is a lesbian and his first 'friend' stabbed him in the back professionally and that's why they're suddenly no longer 'friends?'
> 
> Well alrighty, then.


He showed me a picture of this lesbian and well.. shes definitely on the "butch" side of the spectrum. Could she be Bi-sexual? Quite possibly and to be honest I am leaning that direction. Why else would she constantly be talking to my husband? Right? Shes in her mid 40s, and although she doesn't pamper herself by the looks of things, in my opinion she isn't anything to write home about. So maybe she is just "nice." I'm pretty confident in my physical appearance and who I am as a person and even though I'm not some super model, looking at myself as a whole- appearance/personality/brains- I run circles around her. But that is besides the point lol. He said that he wants me to meet her to see for myself. Which I will probably do and tell her how I really feel and see what their dynamic is like in person. Apparently shes invited us fishing and shooting at the gun range. 

As for the other girl... lord help me. I just don't like her. He mentioned her again yesterday telling me another story how she pretends to know things in front of the bosses to make her look smart. As he calls it, she is faking it until she makes it. Anyway, just hearing about this girl drives me bonkers. Hearing her name makes me cringe. I still don't know how to deal with that. She takes the credit for his work and somehow my husband expects me not to think bad of her. Eh. Can't wait for his holiday work party to throw some slick comments back at her. 

Any recommendations?


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

candyfloral1 said:


> Any recommendations?


"Hey you f-ing c*nt ..... stay away from my man or I will have his lesbian friend take care of you"

Is that too direct ?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Just to stir the pot a little:

Before I was working at the place with the 4 ****s and the fat guy in Houston I was a diesel mechanic / port engineer down in south Louisiana for a tug boat company.
I used to visit this engine parts place at least three times a week. The girl behind the counter was a lesbian. Besides the fact that she pinged my gaydar at times and I had to 
prevent myself from envisioning her having sex with one of her office mates everything was completely on the up and up. We actually became really good friends for many 
years and still keep in contact on face book today. There was never any funny business at all. I would have been completely comfortable taking her offshore fishing as that
was something we were both into. 

Just as @candyfloral1 was alluding to .... this lady was no compete against my wife. 


With that aside I have to admit if she wanted to have lesbian sex on front of my boat with one of her friends I won't have stopped them ............joking?

Edit: And I might have accidentally hit record on my cell phone.


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## candyfloral1 (Nov 19, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> With that aside I have to admit if she wanted to have lesbian sex on front of my boat with one of her friends I won't have stopped them ............joking?


lol well this lesbian coworker is *definitely* the polar opposite of the type you imagine in some x rated film. i can say that for certain. luckily her appearance doesn't bother me but the "friendly" relationship she is having with my husband does. if she was a lipstick lesbian and she was being super friendly then well yeah my alarms would be going off and all the red flags in the world flying. I'd have to be _* that *_wife and really forbid that relationship. is that allowed? can i forbid my husband?

im sure thats not unheard of where a "lesbian" couple wants to bring a man in "for fun." 
but thank god that is not the situation!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It really doesnt matter how "hard core" lesbian this woman is or is not... he is putting energy towards her that should be directed at his WIFE and his home. Its not appropriate. It makes you uncomfortable. That should be the end of it, period. I mean, does he carry on with guy friends this way? I am betting not.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

candyfloral1 said:


> Any recommendations?


Ok all of this is fine and dandy, but lets return to the original issue. H texting too much, this is his way of deflection, so when he does this it's with your blessing. Full Stop. He already convinced you to the one you despise. Is the enemy, so what he was fine in yapping about her gushing and drooling. She put him in his place like you should do. There's no need to confront at the party. It will just make you look insecure and controlling. 

Just have him, stop the texting when he's home. And never say you don't want to hear about his convos with the other women, watch and listen to him. You may see him give you insight to his inappropriate actions or maybe something more.


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## candyfloral1 (Nov 19, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> There's no need to confront at the party. It will just make you look insecure and controlling.
> 
> Just have him, stop the texting when he's home. And never say you don't want to hear about his convos with the other women, watch and listen to him. You may see him give you insight to his inappropriate actions or maybe something more.


Yes, I agree. And that is definitely how I do not want to look. That line of being "insecure and controlling" is so hard. If I let him text as he wishes and let him proceed with these relationships it makes me "confident, trusting and understanding." If I tell him "no talking to this woman" or "don't act that way with that woman" now I'm that controlling and insecure wife. If I imply that he is being inappropriate with these women, now I am "crazy." How do you draw that line but not seem controlling in your marriage? If i let him do as he pleases I'm just another doormat for him to walk on and that is not okay. I want to be confident, understanding but also respected by him. I feel that after our "heart to heart" things are on the upside. I want to re-iterate my position and feelings with him and keep us growing stronger.

Once I cross into "insecure and controlling" territory its a slippery slope. I don't want to be _*that*_ kind of wife.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

candyfloral1 said:


> Yes, I agree. And that is definitely how I do not want to look. That line of being "insecure and controlling" is so hard. If I let him text as he wishes and let him proceed with these relationships it makes me "confident, trusting and understanding." If I tell him "no talking to this woman" or "don't act that way with that woman" now I'm that controlling and insecure wife. If I imply that he is being inappropriate with these women, now I am "crazy." How do you draw that line but not seem controlling in your marriage? If i let him do as he pleases I'm just another doormat for him to walk on and that is not okay. I want to be confident, understanding but also respected by him. I feel that after our "heart to heart" things are on the upside. I want to re-iterate my position and feelings with him and keep us growing stronger.
> 
> Once I cross into "insecure and controlling" territory its a slippery slope. I don't want to be _*that*_ kind of wife.



Sounds like you have it pretty well figured out .... The heart to heart set the tone ...... lets see if he sticks to it.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Aaah, hell no you lay the law down about the interaction and texting to your husband!! This is not insecure nor controlling. This is what is expected of every spouse, you feel secure and loved, this is not what he is doing,! He must stop contacting other than business hours only. And if he says that is insecure or controlling it's BS!!! Not is the time to snip it in the bud, or he will feel the consequences of his actions. 

It's already been discussed several times here on TAM, but anything a spouse does creates hurt for the other isn't or doesn't love you. And he's the one acting mean and angry. And is not protecting his marriage.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

candyfloral1 said:


> Yes, I agree. And that is definitely how I do not want to look. That line of being "insecure and controlling" is so hard. If I let him text as he wishes and let him proceed with these relationships it makes me "confident, trusting and understanding." If I tell him "no talking to this woman" or "don't act that way with that woman" now I'm that controlling and insecure wife. If I imply that he is being inappropriate with these women, now I am "crazy." How do you draw that line but not seem controlling in your marriage? If i let him do as he pleases I'm just another doormat for him to walk on and that is not okay. I want to be confident, understanding but also respected by him. I feel that after our "heart to heart" things are on the upside. I want to re-iterate my position and feelings with him and keep us growing stronger.
> 
> Once I cross into "insecure and controlling" territory its a slippery slope. I don't want to be _*that*_ kind of wife.


Expecting your spouse to respect your feelings and your relationship is not controlling or insecure. Being bothered by his behavior is NOT being the jealous wife. I would suggest to not keep coming at him about this, because he will feel nagged and picked on, but rather give him some rope and see what he does with it. Will he tie the gate shut, or will he hang himself? You stated your position calmly and clearly, so lets see how he does.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

But l am direct and don't pull punches, tell it like it is. But as 3X said calmly, l am a scorched Earth type of caveman. Not apologizing just the way l am. Yes l even drag my knuckles.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Tilted 1 said:


> Aaah, hell no you lay the law down about the interaction and texting to your husband!! This is not insecure nor controlling. This is what is expected of every spouse, you feel secure and loved, this is not what he is doing,! He must stop contacting other than business hours only. And if he says that is insecure or controlling it's BS!!! Not is the time to snip it in the bud, or he will feel the consequences of his actions.
> 
> It's already been discussed several times here on TAM, but anything a spouse does creates hurt for the other isn't or doesn't love you. And he's the one acting mean and angry. And is not protecting his marriage.



Yeah but but but but ....... Back when I was at **** Inc. I actually was texting Amanda a lot for work after hours and nothing was going on except business.

I would have to ask if he has a problem with you reading all those text at any time ..... and there should not be an issue ...IF IT IS INDEED JUST BUSINESS.

I'm at both ends of this discussion just because I have been on his end .....on his end (legitimately) that is.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

candyfloral1 said:


> He showed me a picture of this lesbian and well.. shes definitely on the "butch" side of the spectrum. Could she be Bi-sexual? Quite possibly and to be honest I am leaning that direction. Why else would she constantly be talking to my husband? Right? Shes in her mid 40s, and although she doesn't pamper herself by the looks of things, in my opinion she isn't anything to write home about. So maybe she is just "nice." I'm pretty confident in my physical appearance and who I am as a person and even though I'm not some super model, looking at myself as a whole- appearance/personality/brains- I run circles around her. But that is besides the point lol. He said that he wants me to meet her to see for myself. Which I will probably do and tell her how I really feel and see what their dynamic is like in person. Apparently shes invited us fishing and shooting at the gun range.
> 
> As for the other girl... lord help me. I just don't like her. He mentioned her again yesterday telling me another story how she pretends to know things in front of the bosses to make her look smart. As he calls it, she is faking it until she makes it. Anyway, just hearing about this girl drives me bonkers. Hearing her name makes me cringe. I still don't know how to deal with that. She takes the credit for his work and somehow my husband expects me not to think bad of her. Eh. Can't wait for his holiday work party to throw some slick comments back at her.
> 
> Any recommendations?



By showing you a picture and talking ( obsessing ) over
these two people, he is making your point for you.

Way over the coworker boundaries
He should be obsessing over you.


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## candyfloral1 (Nov 19, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> give him some rope and see what he does with it. Will he tie the gate shut, or will he hang himself?


I love what you said. And now we wait and see! Hopefully this will be a no-brainer for him.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

candyfloral1 said:


> He showed me a picture of this lesbian and well.. shes definitely on the "butch" side of the spectrum. Could she be Bi-sexual? Quite possibly and to be honest I am leaning that direction. Why else would she constantly be talking to my husband? Right? Shes in her mid 40s, and although she doesn't pamper herself by the looks of things, in my opinion she isn't anything to write home about. So maybe she is just "nice." I'm pretty confident in my physical appearance and who I am as a person and even though I'm not some super model, looking at myself as a whole- appearance/personality/brains- I run circles around her. But that is besides the point lol. He said that he wants me to meet her to see for myself. Which I will probably do and tell her how I really feel and see what their dynamic is like in person. Apparently shes invited us fishing and shooting at the gun range.
> 
> As for the other girl... lord help me. I just don't like her. He mentioned her again yesterday telling me another story how she pretends to know things in front of the bosses to make her look smart. As he calls it, she is faking it until she makes it. Anyway, just hearing about this girl drives me bonkers. Hearing her name makes me cringe. I still don't know how to deal with that. She takes the credit for his work and somehow my husband expects me not to think bad of her. Eh. Can't wait for his holiday work party to throw some slick comments back at her.
> 
> Any recommendations?


No words are required. Doat over your H while at the party. Hold hands walking in and even around the party. Always be by your H side. PDA is always enough to say...your H is off limits.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

candyfloral1 said:


> Yes, I agree. And that is definitely how I do not want to look. That line of being "insecure and controlling" is so hard. If I let him text as he wishes and let him proceed with these relationships it makes me "confident, trusting and understanding." If I tell him "no talking to this woman" or "don't act that way with that woman" now I'm that controlling and insecure wife. If I imply that he is being inappropriate with these women, now I am "crazy." How do you draw that line but not seem controlling in your marriage? If i let him do as he pleases I'm just another doormat for him to walk on and that is not okay. I want to be confident, understanding but also respected by him. I feel that after our "heart to heart" things are on the upside. I want to re-iterate my position and feelings with him and keep us growing stronger.
> 
> Once I cross into "insecure and controlling" territory its a slippery slope. I don't want to be _*that*_ kind of wife.


 @candyfloral1, 

My Beloved Hubby works in the education industry, so he is surrounded by females all the time. In real life, I agree with you--I don't want to be THAT kind of wife: insecure and controlling. But really this is very simple: a boundary is like a fence, but the fence is AROUND YOU not around him. 

See, if you try to put a fence around him (aka, "...make him do XYZ" or "...don't let him do ABC") then you are controlling him. You aren't letting him experience the costs and benefits of the choices HE makes, because you are forcing him to do it your way. 

But if you put the fence around YOU, then he is free and clear to do any darn thing he wants! He can fully experience the costs and the benefits of whatever choices HE makes, because you are not restricting him one bit. YOU are only putting up a restriction on YOURSELF and what you will and will not allow in your own life. 

Right now, he has made (moral and legal) promises to you that he has not made to any other human being on the planet. So in both a moral sense and a legal sense, he does have an obligation to you to keep the pledges he voluntarily made. One of the commitments he made was "to foresake all others." 

Thus, as an example, the boundary I have around myself is that I will only be vulnerable and share myself intimately with people who keep their promises. I don't allow myself to be surrounded by liars. So for my Beloved Hubby to have the privilege of knowing me deeply and receiving all the love I have to offer, he can choose to either a) keep his promises... or b) break his promise and lose access to me. It's that simple! It's up to him. 100% of his affection, loyalty and companionship have been given to me through his marriage commitment (and I to him--I hold myself to the same standard) and that means that 0% (NONE) is available to him to give to someone else! That's all there is to it! 

So I don't have to be the wife that says, "Oh god I can't stand to hear about that female co-worker" or who looks in his email or phone to see if he's conversing with another lady "too familiarly" or not. I also don't want to be the wife that's always comparing herself to someone who's younger or more pretty, because guess what? Someone WILL BE younger and more pretty! Nope, it's on him to choose to honor what he promised...or not. But I also have a REALLY clear boundary around myself in my own head--I only allow people to access me who are honest and open, who honor their commitments. I'll even extend trust until you give me reason NOT to extend it! 

I recommend a similar approach for you. You truly can not control him--you can only control you. You can lay down all the rules you want, try to drive off the other women, compete, snoop on him, and in the end if he really wants to do it, he'll find a way. Nah, keep yourself out of that whole drama llama and just set the boundary in a healthy way around your own self. Have enough self-worth to say "I am valuable and it's reasonable to have people in my life who value me and who value their own promises."


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## candyfloral1 (Nov 19, 2019)

Well.. I gave him the rope and lets just say he couldn't hang himself fast enough. 

We went one day with him accepting my feelings. And now thats out the window.
We were gardening outside when he got home from work. And guess who blows up his phone. Yep, butch. Anyway, I calmly said um why is she texting? This is home time, our time. To which his reply was, "I can text whoever I want to text, whenever I want to text and you can't tell me ****."

I guess he really didn't understand my heart to heart conversation. So I finished gardening and went inside. Then I asked him, "what did you think our conversation was about the other night? you said you'd keep some boundaries." Then he said "god you're so petty. its still daylight. i can talk to whoever I want. you're just a little jealous insecure b****." 

I was speechless. That escalated quickly. I stayed calm. Stood my ground.

"Excuse me?" I said. "Don't speak to me that way. I was just asking you how you went from one day saying that you understand my concern and that you will cut ties with texting her so much at home." Then he said " I said I'd stop texting with her at night."

I said "okay but you're missing the point." To which he continued to raise his voice at me and say that I'm an insecure person and petty as **** and that its not his fault that no one ever told me I was pretty. 

Like wtf? Where did that come from. 
And then again I said "stop talking to me that way. you don't get what I'm trying to say. I'm trying to protect our relationship and our marriage here." To which he then told me to just STFU. 

He then said some other really hurtful things that I'm too hurt to re-live.

I left the house crying. 
How does something like this even happen? How can someone just be so mean and hurtful when they claim to love you. 

I went to a coffee shop for a couple hours to cool down. 
I'm home now. I'm in our room and he's out in the living room. How do I even try to be the bigger person when he was so mean and hurtful? How can I ever just drop it? What do I do now.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

candyfloral1 said:


> I'm home now. I'm in our room and he's out in the living room. How do I even try to be the bigger person when he was so mean and hurtful? How can I ever just drop it? What do I do now.


You set a boundary. He called your bluff. You have a choice to make: Drop it and let him text away or leave. As I told you in my previous response he doesn't take you seriously. I was right. 

Now it's up to you. Put up or shut up. His way or the highway. Frankly, I couldn't be married to a man like your husband. Sadly, I think you'll stay, suck it up, and build up a boatload of resentment along the way.

Me? I'd be leaving and not letting the door hit me in the ass on the way out. JMO.

P.S. - This is about a lot more than him texting women from work - lesbian or not. This is about a man who marginalizes you. He gives you a load of b.s. Why? Because he doesn't take you seriously. He says whatever needs to be said to get you out of his face and off his back.

SO WHAT NOW?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

candyfloral1 said:


> Well.. I gave him the rope and lets just say he couldn't hang himself fast enough.
> 
> We went one day with him accepting my feelings. And now thats out the window.
> We were gardening outside when he got home from work. And guess who blows up his phone. Yep, butch. Anyway, I calmly said um why is she texting? This is home time, our time. To which his reply was, "I can text whoever I want to text, whenever I want to text and you can't tell me ****."
> ...


I understand why slugs and cockroaches act like slugs and cockroaches, it is what they are.

What I don't get is why anyone puts up with them!

Time to get out the salt shaker and end this slug!

I could never put up with the level of outright contempt and hatred he is displaying toward you.

Please end it with this worthless yuk bomb!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

He’s right, you can’t tell him when, what time and who he can and cannot text. Just like he can’t tell you what to accept in the marriage.

The fact he insulted you in that escalating disgusting fashion shows you where his priority lies and it isn’t you.


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

No sincere caring man should ever talk to or treat his wife like that....never! He does not respect you or the marriage. And no woman should have to put up with that kind of disrespect. He has called your bluff. Ball is in your court now.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Scorched Earth? Time!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Whatever you do, do not go begging and apologizing to him. He has shown you where you are on his list of priorities. This is a crucial moment for you. Don’t roll over and go belly up. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Dang.......critical moment. This is where the power balance will be determined in this unfortunate matter. Do your best not to go belly up like said above. Due to his response......gay or not....something strange is in the air.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

candyfloral1 said:


> Well.. I gave him the rope and lets just say he couldn't hang himself fast enough.
> 
> We went one day with him accepting my feelings. And now thats out the window.
> We were gardening outside when he got home from work. And guess who blows up his phone. Yep, butch. Anyway, I calmly said um why is she texting? This is home time, our time. To which his reply was, "I can text whoever I want to text, whenever I want to text and you can't tell me ****."
> ...


Can't believe what he said to you !!!
If I had ever talked to my wife that
way or her to me I would be single.
So two women at work start stroking 
his ego and he turns on his wife. 

Weak, if that's all it takes.
You didn't say you had a child
but apparently you do. A full
grown baby boy.

" I can talk to whoever I want
you're just jealous and insecure "

So you can talk to whoever you
want when you want, right ? Isn't 
that the boundary he has set ?

You rightfully explained to him how you
feel (100 % right ) maybe time to show 
him. This is just a question not literally 
a suggestion, but how would he react ?
Just say at the holiday party you flirted 
a little bit. Maybe talked about one of 
his coworkers you met afterwards ? 

I bet the jealous and insecure little 
child would show himself. Quickly !!


You do not and should not put up
with this verbal/ emotional abuse.
For some reason he just doesn't 
get it. You are the more mature 
and bigger person for sure. He is 
just getting his ego stroked ,that 
is all. 

You're little baby boy should 
grow up, and start showing 
his wife some respect. Bet he 
giggles when they talk to him 
also.

Since you probably wash his 
clothes, you may have to consider
packing them for him .


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

Leave. Now. If only for a few days. Get a hotel room or stay with a friend, but leave. Ignore any contact from him, then contact him in a few days to tell him you've met with a divorce attorney (which you should do).

This guy isn't going to respond properly to anything unless you show him there will be consequences- serious consequences- for his behavior. 

At this point, I wonder why you'd want to be with a man who verbally abuses you this way. He's not a real man- real men don't resort to communicating with high-school vernacular. You deserve better, from him or from someone else.

If you plan on staying, you're going to need a helluva MC to break through to this guy.

Wish you the best but it looks like he's drawn his line in the sand.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

My husband is an extrovert, I'm an introvert. He texts his friends more than he texts me. 

He's got a younger female friend at work, who I thought wanted something with my husband. She's got family problems and is insecure about how to live by herself.

My husband likes to help people. He's helped other male friends going through hard times, but this was a female he was trying to help. 

Of course I asked what's going on, and he told me the messy story. I met her and her family. She has invited us over for dinner. She's very nice, she talks a lot. She texts my husband but my husband tells me about it and I can read the messages any time.

We went to visit her parent's country of origin and we had a great time. She started as my husband's friend but now she's our family friend. 

My point is that a married person can have friends at work but those friendships have to be treated as any other friendship. I'm sure you've met some of your husband's friends, why not meeting this lady? Your husband has to be open to share this friendship with you and his texts messages, ANY text message on his phone. If he's not hiding anything, he shouldn't have a password on his phone.

The moment he's hiding something, that's the moment that respect and loyalty goes out the window. Not to mention the language he's used to talk to you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know if your husband is just acting dumb or immature or if there's something going on with this girl.

When I was in college, I had a gay co-worker who became one of my best friends. I was dating at the time, and he became the person who listened to all my relationship problems and I became his secret keeper (he was dating a girl so people wouldn't find out he was gay.) People asked us if we had something going on. We didn't. I wasn't into him, he definitely wasn't into me. We were just good friends, and we talked a lot. He's still my very good friend who has gotten to know almost all my family. 

I'm not sure if my story is helpful, but I wanted to give you another perspective from someone who's had a gay co-worker turned best friend. The main difference is that there weren't any secrets. We didn't hide our friendship from anyone, specially from our partners at the time. My husband has a good friend at work who is also my friend. I have complete access to his phone. 

There has to be total loyalty and transparency in a marriage. Don't settle for less even if you have to let him go. Being by yourself is way better than being with someone who's going to disrespect you, hide from you, and lie to you. You deserve better. 

Good luck!!


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

candyfloral1 said:


> . He seems to think that I need to just trust him regardless. He has a lock on his phone so I haven't gotten into it. I'm sure if I asked him it would cause a stir.
> .


He's already hiding something.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

candyfloral1 said:


> Well.. I gave him the rope and lets just say he couldn't hang himself fast enough.
> 
> We went one day with him accepting my feelings. And now thats out the window.
> We were gardening outside when he got home from work. And guess who blows up his phone. Yep, butch. Anyway, I calmly said um why is she texting? This is home time, our time. To which his reply was, "I can text whoever I want to text, whenever I want to text and you can't tell me ****."
> ...


So yeah, this is terrible. What you do now is file for divorce. 

If you think that is too severe, then think about this:

1) He for sure now is having an emotional affair with this women, whether they are having sex or not. And, don't bet that for sure no sex is happening because you really do not know. Anything is possible. 

2) You brought your concerns to him in an open and honest manor and he told you to go **** yourself.

3) If he gets himself together, you can stop the divorce anytime you want. 

STAND YOUR GROUND... 

BTW, you H sounds incredibly immature, He actually sounds like a 12 YO boy.

You cannot allow this to continue...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

candyfloral1 said:


> Well.. I gave him the rope and lets just say he couldn't hang himself fast enough.
> 
> We went one day with him accepting my feelings. And now thats out the window.
> We were gardening outside when he got home from work. And guess who blows up his phone. Yep, butch. Anyway, I calmly said um why is she texting? This is home time, our time. To which his reply was, "I can text whoever I want to text, whenever I want to text and you can't tell me ****."
> ...


I would never marry or live with a man who treated me or talked to me that way. Just disgusting. 

I would say well you are free to act like a jerk and text other women, but I am not going to accept it or put up with it. So bye. :|


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

candyfloral1 said:


> Well.. I gave him the rope and lets just say he couldn't hang himself fast enough.


I wish I could be more optimistic about the OP, but at this point, unless she returns, I can't. I told her that his actions need to be met with consequences. Thus far, all OP has done is make noise and not follow through on anything. One "discussion" and he's back to doing what he's been doing.

Never, ever take a stand if you don't mean to hold your ground. 

And, p.s., your husband is a complete jerk. Why you would put up with his disrespect is beyond me. But then as I always say, your life, your choice.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

candyfloral1 said:


> "i can talk to whoever I want. you're just a little jealous insecure b****."


I'm afraid that my actions would be rash if my husband ever spoke to me like this. It's within my personality that I'd likely quietly walk away from the moment and pack my bag. But that's just me. If he viewed me that way, I'd question why he would want to be with someone like that, and why I'd want to be with someone who viewed me this way and communicated like this.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Among other things, you should remind him that the continued texting and name calling is not consistent with you being the “center of this world”. 

Raising his voice, name calling and personal attacks on you (bullying you) is not constructive – it also devalues and minimizes you - and may ultimately create emotional scars which lead to divorce. 

Once again we are reminded of the importance of judging someone by their behavior vs just their words.

You did everything correctly with respect to putting your feelings and needs on the line. You know him better than us but his recent behavior & name calling is (among other things) very immature, including: selfish, entitled, disrespectful and lacking in empathy towards you. 

I think your sit down the other night caught him by surprise. Later, he thought about it and his ‘deeper’ feelings emerged. Now you know what you’re dealing with (a 16yo).

In simple terms: he’s not putting you and his marriage above the other person. Why? - because he doesn’t have to. In the interim, since he’s unable to defend his behavior, he attacks by labeling you as over-reacting or insecure. He needs to understand that when he responds with “you’re over reacting” or “you’re just jealous” – he’s deflecting and not resolving the issue.

He says she’s more ‘man’ than ‘woman’. That’s not relevant. The issue is that, at great distress to you, he’s allowing a 3rd person from work to regularly and continuously inject themselves into your marriage (during your personal time together). 
His continued texting and name calling is a red flag (i.e., makes you feel unsafe from infidelity whether with this woman or someone else) because there should be no contest between his marriage and a impersonal work relationship with a ‘manly’ woman. 

He’s very immature and self-centered. As long as he believes you will continue to tolerate his behavior (or there's nothing you can do because he's in total control) he is unlikely to change.

Unless he really truly believes that you will divorce him he's probably not going to take you seriously.
I suggest you both read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. Why? because it's based on research of couples that actually experienced infidelity. The research identifies specific attitudes & excuses, behaviors, and boundaries (they crossed) that exposed their marriage to the slippery slope of infidelity.

Boundaries only work to protect us when they are active all the time (like the walls of a fort). 

You asked for advice. Modify as appropriate for your circumstances.

Work toward a long term solution vs a quick fix (like flowers, going to the gym or out for supper or I’m sorry let’s forget and move on). 

He needs consequences for diminishing your needs, his name calling and bullying behavior, as well as texting. 

Implement the 180 … there’s soft and hard versions. Don’t let him ambush you with “lets talk right now” and/or “you’re over reacting” (if you need a week or more, take it). When he attempts to rug sweep or offers a quick fix or MC be direct and reply with: I’m sorry you feel that way but I need time to think about whether I want to stay married to you. 

Don’t discuss or agree to MC until he reads “Not Just Friends” and agrees to stop all texting outside of work or on ‘your’ time.

You can get “Not Just Friends’ off Amazon with next day delivery. Read the book. 

Then on Wednesday ask him to read it. 

Make an appointment for Friday with a divorce attorney (the first hour is usually free). Why? because it sends a message & reminds him that you are serious (and he has something to lose if he doesn't change his behavior). 

Set up a time on the weekend for a discussion as to whether he wants to stay married to you. If he says yes to stop texting in your presence, then that may be the time for you to agree to MC.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I’ve noticed a couple of things in your story @candyfloral1
You made a point about saying that your husband did the dishes without you asking and you also mentioned how you were working in the house while he was texting his work wife. 
You haven’t mentioned your age or whether you work yourself.
Do you mind me asking what age you both are and are you from a similar background culturally speaking and if so what culture is it.


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## candyfloral1 (Nov 19, 2019)

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your advice and helping me stand my ground. After the other night, I packed my bag and stayed at the hospital for the night. (I have an office there where I can be safe and stay.) I didn't have my computer so I couldn't log in to the site.

I returned home yesterday and my absence was felt. My husband was in disarray without me. No work clothes set out for him, no lunch packed. He has a habit of acting like nothing happened after a fight. Let time go by and poof! He sees no problem. He was there trying to crack jokes with me. His family raised him to sweep things under the rug. No wonder why its this way.

He hugged me and said sorry for everything. I said I don't care for your apologies, you're just out of control. I'm not going to stand for your outbursts and anger. You can't speak to me that way anymore. Do you speak to people at work that way?? What makes it okay to speak to your wife that way?? I told him no more, I'm not accepting it. I don't need it. I said my peace. He then said, "I love you more than anything." To which I said you have a funny way of showing it. 

He told me I need to just relax. 
Every woman loves hearing "just relax." Ugh. 

But anyway, I went off to work and so did he. He gave me a lingering hug. Those are quite rare. 
He was very communicative with me while at work yesterday. 
He even took me to a dinner date last night. 
He then even let me pick the show at night. 

It was better. He was off his phone. He was attentive. He was sincere. 

I think my husband is bipolar or something but I really think leaving for the night shook him up. 

Just a little background for everyone asking, I'm 33 and he's 35. We're both American- he's "white" and I'm filipino.. he grew up in Florida and I grew up in California. He comes from a very broken and dysfunctional home. Parents yelling, parents divorced. He didn't go to college. Had no guidance growing up but managed to make something of himself. I'm a well educated physician finishing my residency. My parents are also divorced but I grew up in a very sheltered, respectful environment. We met on Bumble (a dating app) and fell in love. We've been married now for over a year. 

We don't have any kids. Just one dog. We live together in his house. A lot of people assume that he's with me for my status as doctor. But the truth is I'm the one with all the med school debt and he's the one with a house and an 800 credit score. He even paid my car off for me. Our finances have never been the root of any fight. I wish you could see how he is, one minute he is red with anger and then fast forward a couple hours and he is the sweetest human being. Who knows... He cried when he saw me walking up the aisle on our wedding day. Trust me, if he was a monster I wouldn't have married the guy.

As of right now, it's like we never had any fight and there is no tension. A light bulb must have went off in his head... i really don't know. All I know is that I'm nobody's doormat!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

candyfloral1 said:


> Hi everyone, thank you so much for your advice and helping me stand my ground. After the other night, I packed my bag and stayed at the hospital for the night. (I have an office there where I can be safe and stay.) I didn't have my computer so I couldn't log in to the site.
> 
> I returned home yesterday and my absence was felt. My husband was in disarray without me. No work clothes set out for him, no lunch packed. He has a habit of acting like nothing happened after a fight. Let time go by and poof! He sees no problem. He was there trying to crack jokes with me. His family raised him to sweep things under the rug. No wonder why its this way.
> 
> ...


The reason I asked you about your cultural difference was that you seemed impressed by him doing the dishes without you asking him to. Not many American women on tam would’ve even mentioned that. 
You are very keen to defend his accomplishments despite him having no educational qualifications. Why is this? Is his lack of qualifications a bone of contention in your relationship, does he feel he has to keep you “in your place”.
You are in an abusive marriage and all it took for him to reel you back after you left was something as simple as letting you choose the show that you went to after dinner. Remember that he told you that you were the “center of his universe” and you thought he had seen the light. 
This is how men like this operate. They treat you badly for so long that you lose sight of your own worth. You feel that you are somehow screwing up and when he throws you a breadcrumb you think everything is going to be fine. 
It’s not. He’s a jerk and you need to leave.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Your husband is manipulating you. He tosses a few compliments your way, takes you to dinner, and that keeps you reeled in. He's from a dysfunctional family and he's just doing what he's always done. I'm sorry to sound so negative and blunt, but your husband is exhibiting all the classic signs of an abuser.

Unless you are willing to walk out the door, he's going to be right back to texting in a day or so. 

You will threaten, perhaps leave for a night or two, and he'll start with the sweet talking and you'll come home.

Sorry, but short-term fixes and band aids don't fix this. Seriously.

ETA: Do you have all the passwords to your husband's devices? Can you look to see what is going on at any time? If not, all this lovey-dovey stuff he's handing you is a load of bs!


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## candyfloral1 (Nov 19, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> You are in an abusive marriage and all it took for him to reel you back after you left was something as simple as letting you choose the show that you went to after dinner. Remember that he told you that you were the “center of his universe” and you thought he had seen the light.
> This is how men like this operate. They treat you badly for so long that you lose sight of your own worth. You feel that you are somehow screwing up and when he throws you a breadcrumb you think everything is going to be fine.
> It’s not. He’s a jerk and you need to leave.


I understand that and yes I agree with the verbal and emotional abuse. It's sad that it's come to that. Am I ready to up and leave and file for divorce? Not yet.


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## candyfloral1 (Nov 19, 2019)

Prodigal said:


> Your husband is manipulating you. He tosses a few compliments your way, takes you to dinner, and that keeps you reeled in. He's from a dysfunctional family and he's just doing what he's always done. I'm sorry to sound so negative and blunt, but your husband is exhibiting all the classic signs of an abuser.
> 
> Unless you are willing to walk out the door, he's going to be right back to texting in a day or so.
> 
> ...


Yes I have the password to the phone but have not looked yet and we have gps location tracking on. I appreciate your bluntness and I feel the manipulation you mention.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

IMO, it sounds like there's a good chance that you two can work this out - but it will take time and a lot of work (especially on his part). Just a note of caution. It doesn't matter how 'sweet' he can be. When someone reveals to you 'who' they really are (i.e., the bad as well as the good) during a mood swing - believe them. Don't make excuses or cover up for him. 

Also, IMO, his totally falling apart after you left is manipulative - and designed to gain your sympathy and pull you back. 

I suggest delaying having children for at least 2 years... and in the interim you draw up a plan consisting of you both reading self help books that discuss both your dis-functional family backgrounds - and especially to learn how to stop repeating it within your marriage (and passing this abusive behavior onto your future children!). 

Consider IC for each of you separately when finances permit; and eventually MC. 

It sounds like he may have a tendency to select 'friends' that do not bring out the best version of him. I suggest exposing your husband to someone that can role model or at least encourage appropriate behavior. You may find a church group that serves that purpose. 

Do not grant him the gift of 'another' chance immediately. Give yourself 1 or more months to decide. In the interim, he's on probation. 

Explain that his behavior towards you was abusive and disrespectful - and destroyed your trust. And now because of his inappropriate behavior he must earn your trust back by: one, showing that he can consistently treat you with respect every day; and two, by fixing whatever his underlying issue(s) are (e.g., perhaps he's self sabotaging, or repeating toxic behavior learned from his childhood).

He needs to understand that you judge him as trustworthy by his actions not just his words. And saying "I'm sorry" after being verbally abusive does not repair the damage or the pain he caused you.

Finally, the different between your education levels (plus 'his' perception of a future disparity in income) may threaten him. If others are aware of your relative 'status' as a doctor you can bet your husband is. He needs to share his concerns with you (e.g., you'll outgrow and leave him some day, or that you think less of him because of his education level). Consider reassuring him privately as well as publicly in front of your friends why you are with him (in view of your high profile career this most likely needs to be a life time conversation).

Good luck to you both.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I keep going back to your first post that he doesn't have many friends--unusual for a man his age. Maybe he is relishing in his new social status. How long were you together before marriage? You sound like he has been abusive previously. I wondered if, when he told lesbian friend to cut back on texting, he may have received advice to not let you control him or something similar?

Financial responsibility has nothing to do with his meanness. Does he treat anyone else like he treats you? Bet he would not dare.

He needs IC and modeling of a good marriage relationship. He should be expected to always help at home. Residency is hard and stressful. He should be loving and caring--always. You should not have to fight for his attention. He has shown you he knows how to do this and that he knows he should, but he does not choose to do so. That is a painful revelation. He loves himself, you make his life easier.

You will always remember his name calling, verbal abuse--the pain it caused. Do not let him off easy. Next time he starts disrespecting you--and I think he will--pack and leave immediately--take as much as you easily can including computer. Say something like "I understand." and no more. Most abusers go through a cycle of mistreatment. Google it.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

candyfloral1 said:


> All I know is that I'm nobody's doormat!


Oh, but you are. I don't say that in a mean or snarky way--I'm saying that in what I think is a factual way.

He takes you to dinner and lets you pick the after dinner show. Big whoop. 

I'll remind you how quick he was to fall back to his problem behavior--a day or two if I'm not mistaken? He gave you lip service then, and he's giving you lip service now. I'll be interested to see how long it'll be before he reverts back this time.

And, while I think it's a loving gesture to make his lunch and set out his work clothes (albeit a bit over the top since you work, too, but to each his own) I wonder if he misses those things about you and not you specifically? Because those vile, highly offensive things he said to you just a few days ago are still ringing in MY ears and he didn't even say them to me. I literally gasped aloud when I read them in your post.

While I understand you aren't ready to pull the plug on this marriage, you need to realize that just like his words don't match his actions (he will revert back), yours don't either. He talks to you like you're crap and doesn't respect your very reasonable boundaries--you tell him you won't put up with it--and you're still there.

My suggestion is to decrease the amount of creature comforts you provide him--the lunches and clothes and other things he can do himself that you lovingly provide--and see how he acts toward you.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> Oh, but you are. I don't say that in a mean or snarky way--I'm saying that in what I think is a factual way.
> 
> He takes you to dinner and lets you pick the after dinner show. Big whoop.
> 
> ...


I agree.
I think he loves what she does for him. He doesn’t love her as a wife or as an equity partner. 
If she stops catering to his every need how long will he stay.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

You seem like a clever, educated woman with a good sense of self-worth... but I can already see signs of your husband's actions slowly eroding it... the fact that you read "there being no tension in the house" as if "a light bulb went off in his head" is telling. If anything, he's dimmed the light, now relaxed that this storm has blown over without causing much damage whatsoever!

_But anyway, I went off to work and so did he. *He gave me a lingering hug. Those are quite rare. *
He was very communicative with me while at work yesterday. 
He *even * took me to a dinner date last night. 
He then *even * let me pick the show at night. 
_
This is revealing. This is so so so revealing. This is exactly what my MIL used to say when describing an odd gesture or two from my FIL who's more self-absorbed than almost anyone, anyone's ever met!
Your husband is sprinkling breadcrumbs and you're accepting it as if it were a whole meal. Nope, he doesn't seem very remorseful at all. 

The one minute good/five minutes bad routine is indicative of some form of personality disorder that he refuses to correct. (As a physician, I am sure you'll have a better idea what this type of trait could be). And he's got an amazing wife in you, who has a page full of good points going for her, clinging onto the 1-minute good part, putting up with/correcting the 5-minute bad part. Why? This would be acceptable if he's planning to correct it. Obviously, he's not. So, why are you putting up with it? Even justifying it?

Him having a good credit score vs you being in debt is not a good indicator of his merit, OP. You've not got debt because of some unwise decisions you made, but because you've invested in education. If anything, it's +1 for you. One day, it'll be paid off and you'll only be seeing returns. Might this be a way your conscience is trying to balance the personality tally-chart in your head?

And something tells me, even if he's managed to suck you back in for the interim, this cycle is only going to continue. Because he refuses to recognise his inherent faults. Whatever you do, please guard your heart and take care of yourself, OP. Because, from an observer's POV, he's definitely not doing the 'taking care' of you bit. And that's the least you deserve.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

So you mean his two new best buddies didn't do anything for him ?
Your leaving for one day may only have a few days affect, His actions
moving forward with say a lot more than his words. He is 100% wrong
and needs to earn your trust again. Trust your gut felling it usually is 
never wrong. Don't be pulled back in by a few hugs and attention. He 
needs to get his stuff together and stop being flustered by two people
at work. You have basically put him on notice you will not tolerate this.
Don't !!

PS. You should mean more to him than just a cook and maid.


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## candyfloral1 (Nov 19, 2019)

lucy999 said:


> Oh, but you are. I don't say that in a mean or snarky way--I'm saying that in what I think is a factual way.
> 
> He takes you to dinner and lets you pick the after dinner show. Big whoop.
> 
> ...


I needed to read your post again and again. I appreciate your honesty and I know it looks like I'm a doormat. But within the past two days I've begun to remind myself of who I am and what I do deserve. I spent the weekend away from home and did some work. Did a lot of self care and reading. Through all of this what it comes down to is I can only control myself. I value all of the responses I've gotten and its opened my eyes to realize what I've been in denial about. I can't change him. I can't make him the way I wish he was. I can't allow him to call all the shots and run this relationship. I can't be like his family and just "sweep it under the rug" or "let it blow over." Its too unpredictable. 

And while I have a lot of bigger things to think of now, even divorce, I'm going to see how this next week plays out.


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## candyfloral1 (Nov 19, 2019)

Zing said:


> Your husband is sprinkling breadcrumbs and you're accepting it as if it were a whole meal. Nope, he doesn't seem very remorseful at all.
> 
> The one minute good/five minutes bad routine is indicative of some form of personality disorder that he refuses to correct. (As a physician, I am sure you'll have a better idea what this type of trait could be). And he's got an amazing wife in you, who has a page full of good points going for her, clinging onto the 1-minute good part, putting up with/correcting the 5-minute bad part. Why? This would be acceptable if he's planning to correct it. Obviously, he's not. So, why are you putting up with it? Even justifying it?
> 
> And something tells me, even if he's managed to suck you back in for the interim, this cycle is only going to continue. Because he refuses to recognise his inherent faults. Whatever you do, please guard your heart and take care of yourself, OP. Because, from an observer's POV, he's definitely not doing the 'taking care' of you bit. And that's the least you deserve.


You're right about the breadcrumbs. I did eat them up and I guess I thought they were his attempts to reconcile. I appreciate your insight. Why am I justifying it? I guess because I don't want to admit to a failed marriage quite yet.


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## candyfloral1 (Nov 19, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> I agree.
> I think he loves what she does for him. He doesn’t love her as a wife or as an equity partner.
> If she stops catering to his every need how long will he stay.


Very sad truth. :frown2:


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> Oh, but you are. I don't say that in a mean or snarky way--I'm saying that in what I think is a factual way.
> 
> He takes you to dinner and lets you pick the after dinner show. Big whoop.
> 
> ...


Great post!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Marriage researchers identify 'contempt' as a true indicator that a marriage won't last.

Your H spoke to you with contempt. It's my take that you had your heart-to-heart with him, he gave you lip service, and then went and reported it all to his new bff at work. She likely wound him up about how you are 'jealous' and have no right to tell him what to do. He then came home loaded for bear, all self-righteous and itching for a fight.

He's attaching to her and detaching from you.

You can't beg him into stopping this. You can't reason him out of it. 

You can only show him what you accept for youself. You won't accept contempt. You can make that clear by either leaving while you figure out what you should do or doing what we call a 180. Either way, you are taking care of you and he is seeing some of the consequences of his own choices.

(FWIW, I went through something similar. It turned around only when I was ready to leave the marriage, but agreed to try couples counseling as a final attempt to heal the marriage. The MC was very clear with my H that his behavior was out of bounds.)


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

candyfloral1 said:


> I needed to read your post again and again. I appreciate your honesty and I know it looks like I'm a doormat. But within the past two days I've begun to remind myself of who I am and what I do deserve. I spent the weekend away from home and did some work. Did a lot of self care and reading. Through all of this what it comes down to is I can only control myself. I value all of the responses I've gotten and its opened my eyes to realize what I've been in denial about. I can't change him. I can't make him the way I wish he was. I can't allow him to call all the shots and run this relationship. I can't be like his family and just "sweep it under the rug" or "let it blow over." Its too unpredictable.
> 
> And while I have a lot of bigger things to think of now, even divorce, I'm going to see how this next week plays out.


No, It isn’t going to correct itself in a week. You need to pay attention, if staying is an option, to his overall behavior for months.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

He's not considering your concerns and offending your intelligence! 

It's totally immature to keep on texting to his women at work during your quality time together, or even while you're doing the house chores.

I wonder if you've been living with him _before_ getting married?

His personality seems to be coming as a surprise to you...


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