# Another Victim of the fog(long story)



## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

Hello, I've been reading the forums for pretty much 3 months now obsessively and I thought I would finally post my story. On May 19, my wife of 4.5 years(together 9) seemed "off" to me. I had just gotten back a few days earlier from being gone 2 weeks. I "was" in a band and was gone touring at the time. My Wife had been begging me to have a baby with her for pretty much the past 4 years. I wanted one myself but wanted to wait until she finished up nursing school. I knew that would be the best financial decision and set us up best for the future. Anyways, she was going to finally be finishing up next semester, so I finally decided I wanted to have one as well. I thought she would be thrilled to hear that. When I told her I was ready to start trying to have a baby, she said she wasn't ready. _Right then and there I knew something was wrong_. 

I asked her why she wasn't ready all of the sudden and she really didn't have much of an answer. My mind started to panic and I stormed off into the bedroom. She eventually came into the room and sat on the bed with her computer. She didn't say a thing. After 10 minutes of silence I finally got up and asked her "Do you think I'm stupid or something, what is going on?". She looked at me and started tearing up. She told me she wasn't happy and she wanted a divorce. *I was shocked, and absolutely devastated.* I asked her why and she repeated that she was unhappy, we didn't mesh, and I was holding her back. I then received the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. I begged and pleaded with her to stay. I told her I would quit the band, or doing anything to fix this. I asked her if there was someone else and she insisted that there wasn't. She packed up some clothes and walked out the door. She went to go stay with her Father. 

To back things up a bit...We were staying with my parents. A year and a half ago, I was laid off at work. I had been working in IT for the past 6 years. The plan was to move into my parents house, find a new job, and save money for a house. I told my wife we wouldn't be there for probably more than 6 months. A couple weeks after moving in, my best friend asked me to join a band with him. It had always been my dream as a teenager to be a traveling musician. At the time I didn't think it would end up being anything serious, so I agreed. After playing with the band for a few weeks, I noticed how seriously my friend was taking it. He wasn't just doing this for fun. He wanted to make this his career. He convinced me to take a shot at my dream and start taking this seriously with him. I was reluctant, knowing my wife probably wouldn't be thrilled about this. I eventually agreed that I should try this dream while I still could. If I was to do it, this was my chance. I had no rent and was still young enough(26 at the time). It took me a couple of months of convincing but my wife finally agreed to this. I told her the new plan was to move out when she graduated and got a nursing job. Also, If the band wasn't going anywhere by then, I would quit and go back to IT. 

_Fast forward to April of this year_. We just finished up recording our album. We were getting ready to go on a mini tour in Denver for 6 days, and then the "real" tour the beginning of May. I was very excited to be really living my dream. We Left May 1st and were gone for 2 weeks. It was VERY hard work and very stressful but I still had a good time. By the end of the 2 weeks, I was missing my wife *very very *badly though. The most I had ever gone without seeing her before the Denver tour was about 2 days. The whole time I was gone, we continued to text throughout the day, and I would call her every night. Everything seemed fine and she would tell me how much she missed and loved me. I finally got back into town and called my wife to pick me up. When she arrived, she didn't even look like she cared that I was back. She was not excited to see me at all. She chopped this up to being tired since it was late at night. That whole next week she didn't seem to be herself. She wasn't trying to spend any time with me and would go in the family room and watch Netflix all day. I was concerned but didn't think to much of it. I told her that I wanted to start doing more things together. She really didn't respond much to that. I was starting to get more concerned but still brushed it off. It wasn't until May 19 that I found out she was leaving me. As I said before, I was devastated and didn't know why this was happening. It all happened so fast. 

Something didn't seem right. We had been so close for 9 years and had a family, house, future vacations all planned out. It would of made a _little _sense if there was someone else but she said there wasn't. I stupidly believed her. During the next couple of weeks I called her every few days to try to convince her to come back. She wasn't having any of it. I asked for marriage counseling and she outright refused. How could she throw away everything we had and our future so easily?! It wasn't making sense! I continued to ask if there was someone else and she would always deny it. Blaming myself for her unhappiness and that I kept her at my parents for so long, I immediately quit the band, got a job, and my own apartment within 2 weeks. I thought this would change things. *It didn't.* Well, that is when I found this website and starting reading. Despite her denying an affair, all signs pointed to one. I started to dig around. I logged onto her online iCalender and found out something that broke my heart. She had the schedule of a guy she worked with all over it for the month of June. She would mention his name with a heart by it. Devastating stuff. I then checked her phone records and matched up his number from her contact list. I found some more clues and put 2 and 2 together that she stayed over at his place the night I left on the tour! I called and confronted her. She of course again denied that happened at first but I wasn't buying it and she finally admitted to staying over there. She claimed nothing happened. I again didn't buy that, then she finally admitting to "making out" with him. She said they never had sex, but of course I don't believe that eithier! 

Over the next couple of weeks, I continued to plead for her to stay, despite what she had done(yeah, I know now I shouldn't of). Although at this point I knew ALL of this was happening because of this guy, she claimed he didn't have much to do with it. She told me she's moving on and to do the same. I dropped it and didn't ask her to come back for a month. During that time I didn't text her but she texted me a few times about taxes. We didn't talk about the relationship at all. I was hoping by pulling a 180 she would maybe come to her senses. I hadn't received divorce papers yet, so I hoped she started to have doubts. *WRONG*. On August 4, I got the papers in the mail. I cried like a baby. The woman I loved more than life itself had cheated, lied, and betrayed me and left me with nothing. All in a flash! My life has been complete and utter hell for the past 3 months. This has completely destroyed my health. I can barely eat, sleep, or focus at work. I've lost 27 lbs, half of that muscle. I'm down to a scrawny 137. I go home after work and do nothing but read reconciliation stories clinging for hope. I know there isn't hope left but I can't let go. _It's over_. My life gone just like that...poof! Yesterday I broke no contact and messaged her my final goodbye. I don't have to appear in court since we don't have children and we already sorted out our stuff. It is likely I will never see her again. So here I am, a broken shell of of man. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I keep praying she comes out of this fog but I'm not planning on it. I miss her *SO MUCH!* I've at least learned A LOT about relationships from this whole ordeal. Please don't take your lover for granted people. You truly don't know what you have until its gone.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Welcome to the survivors club. It's grim sometimes but you make it one breath at a time. 

First stop doing the 180 for her. It was meant to put you in a better place regardless of the outcome. Do what you need to do in order to find peace.

Second, expose the affair. Something I never did because I to this day only have consequential evidence and I desperately wish I had. Her man w4ore may not even know he is dealing with a cheat. But don't do it to get her back, simply do it to wipe your hands clean of the situation. Her family will not support you. But they should know that you are painstakingly aware their daughter is a cheater. 

I am sorry you are here. We all have our sad tale to tell, but hopefully we can help each other.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hey brokenman, so sorry you're here. It sucks. Well althoigh it sucks to be here, this is a best place you can be. Everyone here has been through the sh1t so we know how bad it is. And we know how to recover and rebuild your life. 

I lost a lot of weight too and am still struggling to build my muscle back up. So what you need to do now is focus 100% on you. Are you working now? Don't stop your life for this, you need normality as much as possible. Keep gigging if you can. The important thing is to keep moving, if you sit on that sofa for too long, you'll become depressed. If you think you're depressed, please go see a dr and get some help. Start seeing a counsellor, it helps. Anti-depressants (the right ones) can help, but if you're functioning ok you might not need them. Me, I went in the deep end. Are you eating anything? Try protein shakes, I do a fruit based shake - I add cream/milk if you can tolerate dairy, a banana, and protein powder. It will help keep you losing more muscle. 

Basically you need to do a 100% 180, focus on yourself and getting your strength back- maybe start working out? Lifting is best to get some muscle back and good for endorphins. Don't isolate yourself, keep socialising. This is all about trauma recovery here. Don't talk to your ex. Don't text or email. If she on FB, block her. 

Keep posting, we've all been where you are and things do improve.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I feel terrible for you. It kills me when I read how hurt men are when their wives cheat. It wasn't until I joined TAM did I realize the pain that men feel.

You're going to be okay, I promise.

Get enough sleep every night.
Exercise.
Eat well.
Get out of the house everyday.
Post on this site.

And my best advice: CRY !!!

My therapist told me yesterday that I MUST feel the hurt, betrayal and rejection.

It kills. It is horrible. 

I feel your pain.

VH


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear of your marriage troubles. 

The title of this thread, for me, was the first red light. You, painting yourself as a "victim." You need to get out of that mindset as soon as possible. Read this link An Overview of the Drama Triangle

Second, your post is all about how she hurt you. I understand this and have been there. But, if you want to grow through this experience you are going to have to take a look at yourself as well. It takes two to make a marriage work. The affair is all on her; that is her choice and you have no responsibility for her actions. But, what are you responsible for in the marriage breakdown? How can you grow?

Stop begging her or pleading with her to come. people have mentioned the 180 and yours is a situation where that is exactly what is called for. Let her go. That is all you can do for now. Work on yourself. Write some songs, hit the gym, fill your time with new activities if you can. Your future sounds bright and you are living your dream, focus on making yourself the kind of person who can live that dream in the best way possible. Let her go. She will wake up one of these days and that guy will be gone. She will then come running back to you. You will need to be strong enough to set boundaries when she does and to set boundaries to figure out if it will ever work between you two again. For now, again, let her go, and work on yourself.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

also, who has been paying the rent, the phone, and most of the bills in the relationship? Are you financially independent? Can you support yourself now that she is gone? Are you supporting her financially? what is the situation there?


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