# Horrible Marriage Stuff Happening



## JoeSchmoe

I first kissed my wife when she was 15 and I was 17 in high school. We had a seemingly amazing time despite our young age. I unfortunately had joined the Army and left two months later. She wrote me love letters, but was hung up on this other guy, who admittedly was a stud. I was a stud, but I was the nice guy and he was the jerk. I came home for holiday a few months later and found out she was seeing him and she dumped me. I never stopped loving her and came home less than two years later. She was dating another guy, but I convinced her to dump him and come back to me. 30 years later, we are married with three children. Sadly, I found out she was Googling old guys, especially the jerk she was hung up on (25-30 years in). She has been less than remorseful and I cannot stop worrying about it. I know it's not helpful, but when I bring it up, she says mean and nasty stuff to me. I thought we had a solid marriage, but obviously I was wrong. She always tries to make up for it after saying mean things, but the damage is done. She seemingly hides stuff and seems all-to ready to end the marriage, but I rescue it. I'm not the perfect husband, but I am close. Is my answer obvious, get over it, or move on? It's so hard being in love and giving up on such a long committed relationship, but I have lost trust.


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## Torninhalf

What was her explanation for googling her old boyfriends?


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## jlg07

SO, first gather your data. Do you have access to her phone/email? Start checking your phone bill for numbers you don't recognize -- she may already BE in contact with the "old guys".

You also need clear boundaries and consequences for what she is doing.
YOU have every right to say "I will not tolerate you contacting them, and if you do, here is what I will do..." NOT in a punishment way. Just tell her your boundary is a, and consequences of you breaking the boundary are.... (MAKE SURE you follow through on those consequences)

If she is hiding stuff, how do you mean? Can you investigate a bit? You just make it clear that what she is doing is damaging your relationship. STOP trying to "rescue" the marriage -- she probably thinks that you will do NOTHING and just allow her to get away with what she is doing. Time to disabuse her of that thought. Stand up, and if SHE breaks your boundary, then implement the consequences (getting a lawyer, getting a separation, etc. -- DON'T move out without a lawyer's ok).

You CANNOT control her. You can only control YOU


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## FlaviusMaximus

So you are both pushing 50 and she's looking up "boys" from when she was a teenager? Sounds like she feels she missed something in life (not an excuse obviously). This seems to me to be indicative of some sort of marital issue or maybe a self-esteem issue rather than a real interest in these guys. Responding in a nasty way isn't good and I agree, you need to set some boundaries. She needs to knock it off and address the real issue whatever it is. It's silly to harm a long standing relationship over crap like this.


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## JoeSchmoe

Torninhalf said:


> What was her explanation for googling her old boyfriends?


Curiosity! I have come to hate that word. He was always a problem. He pursued her for sex only in high school. He showed up at her/our house numerous times before and after we were married. And now he has resurfaced decades later. She always claims it's nothing. He's a jerk and she was only curious. Her friends instigate things by reminding her of the things he accomplishes. I said he was a stud, and yes he is ) in a childish kind of way, but he also was arrested for sex on a helpless person (drunk), though charges were dropped for "lack" of evidence. I just can't understand why that kind of guy still attracts her.


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## JoeSchmoe

jlg07 said:


> SO, first gather your data. Do you have access to her phone/email? Start checking your phone bill for numbers you don't recognize -- she may already BE in contact with the "old guys".
> 
> You also need clear boundaries and consequences for what she is doing.
> YOU have every right to say "I will not tolerate you contacting them, and if you do, here is what I will do..." NOT in a punishment way. Just tell her your boundary is a, and consequences of you breaking the boundary are.... (MAKE SURE you follow through on those consequences)
> 
> If she is hiding stuff, how do you mean? Can you investigate a bit? You just make it clear that what she is doing is damaging your relationship. STOP trying to "rescue" the marriage -- she probably thinks that you will do NOTHING and just allow her to get away with what she is doing. Time to disabuse her of that thought. Stand up, and if SHE breaks your boundary, then implement the consequences (getting a lawyer, getting a separation, etc. -- DON'T move out without a lawyer's ok).
> 
> You CANNOT control her. You can only control YOU


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## JoeSchmoe

Yes, I understand I have to control my own reactions and response, but it's hard. I found a lot of what she was doing. But I know there is more. She claims that all there was, but really, I just happened to find everything? I handed her divorce papers, but gave in when she apologized. However, I can't get over the jealousy. Thank you for the response.


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## JoeSchmoe

FlaviusMaximus said:


> So you are both pushing 50 and she's looking up "boys" from when she was a teenager? Sounds like she feels she missed something in life (not an excuse obviously). This seems to me to be indicative of some sort of marital issue or maybe a self-esteem issue rather than a real interest in these guys. Responding in a nasty way isn't good and I agree, you need to set some boundaries. She needs to knock it off and address the real issue whatever it is. It's silly to harm a long standing relationship over crap like this.


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## Torninhalf

JoeSchmoe said:


> Curiosity! I have come to hate that word. He was always a problem. He pursued her for sex only in high school. He showed up at her/our house numerous times before and after we were married. And now he has resurfaced decades later. She always claims it's nothing. He's a jerk and she was only curious. Her friends instigate things by reminding her of the things he accomplishes. I said he was a stud, and yes he is ) in a childish kind of way, but he also was arrested for sex on a helpless person (drunk), though charges were dropped for "lack" of evidence. I just can't understand why that kind of guy still attracts her.


That whole “stud” thing seems quite juvenile to be honest. What other issues are y’all having that may contribute to this?


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## JoeSchmoe

True, pushing 50 and yes she needs to knock it off. I guess I need to sh*t or get off the pot.


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## JoeSchmoe

Torninhalf said:


> That whole “stud” thing seems quite juvenile to be honest. What other issues are y’all having that may contribute to this?


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## JoeSchmoe

Yes, I feel stupid calling him a "stud", but it's hard when her friends are filling her with comments about "look what he did now." I am constantly bombarded with it and have to choose what to do. Thanks.


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## Torninhalf

JoeSchmoe said:


> Yes, I feel stupid calling him a "stud", but it's hard when her friends are filling her with comments about "look what he did now." I am constantly bombarded with it and have to choose what to do. Thanks.


I am in my 50’s and can’t relate to the teenage antics that seem to swirl around this at all.


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## Prodigal

JoeSchmoe said:


> It's so hard being in love and giving up on such a long committed relationship, but I have lost trust.


Not much of a marriage relationship when only one party is actually committed, is it?


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## bobert

JoeSchmoe said:


> She has been less than remorseful and I cannot stop worrying about it. I know it's not helpful, but when I bring it up, she says mean and nasty stuff to me. I thought we had a solid marriage, but obviously I was wrong. She always tries to make up for it after saying mean things, but the damage is done. She seemingly hides stuff and *[She] seems all-to ready to end the marriage, but I rescue it*.


If she is checked out of the marriage and doing just about everything wrong to fix this, what are you trying to save? What you thought you had was either an illusion or you no longer have it. 

I know it's hard to end a long marriage (as much as I can, being significantly younger than you) but right now there is nothing to "save". You can't nice her back. Maybe she will snap out of it and come crawling back, but not while you let her walk all over you.


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## Nailhead

JoeSchmoe said:


> Curiosity! I have come to hate that word. He was always a problem. He pursued her for sex only in high school. He showed up at her/our house numerous times before and after we were married. And now he has resurfaced decades later. She always claims it's nothing. He's a jerk and she was only curious. Her friends instigate things by reminding her of the things he accomplishes. I said he was a stud, and yes he is ) in a childish kind of way, but he also was arrested for sex on a helpless person (drunk), though charges were dropped for "lack" of evidence. I just can't understand why that kind of guy still attracts her.


They call X BF and X GF for a reason. These dopes should be out of her life for good. Now, curiosity should get the better of you. Start looking up old GF. Your wife should be fine with this correct?


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## happyhusband0005

JoeSchmoe said:


> I first kissed my wife when she was 15 and I was 17 in high school. We had a seemingly amazing time despite our young age. I unfortunately had joined the Army and left two months later. She wrote me love letters, but was hung up on this other guy, who admittedly was a stud. I was a stud, but I was the nice guy and he was the jerk. I came home for holiday a few months later and found out she was seeing him and she dumped me. I never stopped loving her and came home less than two years later. She was dating another guy, but I convinced her to dump him and come back to me. 30 years later, we are married with three children. Sadly, I found out she was Googling old guys, especially the jerk she was hung up on (25-30 years in). She has been less than remorseful and I cannot stop worrying about it. I know it's not helpful, but when I bring it up, she says mean and nasty stuff to me. I thought we had a solid marriage, but obviously I was wrong. She always tries to make up for it after saying mean things, but the damage is done. She seemingly hides stuff and seems all-to ready to end the marriage, but I rescue it. I'm not the perfect husband, but I am close. Is my answer obvious, get over it, or move on? It's so hard being in love and giving up on such a long committed relationship, but I have lost trust.


Can you be more specific about what she has done to damage the relationship besides googling old boyfriends? I think most people probably do that out of pure curiosity. I have done it, my wife and I are facebook friends and occasionally in touch with my last serious girlfriend before I met my wife, but I have googled other women from my past to see what they are up to. Sounds like to me though that you have other reasons to question her. So what are they.

Ok so should have read the rest of the thread. At least one of these guys (the stud) sounds like a person to be avoided. And it sounds like your wife has some weird issues or insecurities that she probably enjoys the attention. I think many women are attracted to scummy guys for the excitement. Sounds like you have plenty of reasons to be concerned and your wife's attitude sounds like a problem in so far that is is disrespectful. Lack of respect is a huge red flag in any relationship.


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## shortbus

God! Some of these posts are heartbreaking.
Your wife broke this, you can't fix it.
I'm sorry for the situation you're in. If you were to divorce at this point, would you be safe in retirement?


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## Mr.Married

Can you actually clarify what she ACTUALLY did? Did she only look him up on Facebook/Google??


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

JoeSchmoe said:


> Yes, I understand I have to control my own reactions and response, but it's hard. I found a lot of what she was doing. But I know there is more. She claims that all there was, but really, I just happened to find everything? I handed her divorce papers, but gave in when she apologized. However, I can't get over the jealousy. Thank you for the response.


There is more here than meets the eye. I feel we only have a small portion of information. Now, you say she has been less than remorseful, and says nasty things to you. Hmmm?

I would simply tell her “since you are googling Mr. Studley, you must be unhappy in our relationship. Nothing is more important to me than your happiness. Please sign the divorce papers, and you can gladly move on.”

I sense you may have self esteem issues since you refer to her paramour as a stud. Consider working on you. Get into IC, and work to get out of your funk. Life is too short to live with someone who would rather be with someone else.


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## Beach123

JoeSchmoe said:


> Yes, I understand I have to control my own reactions and response, but it's hard. I found a lot of what she was doing. But I know there is more. She claims that all there was, but really, I just happened to find everything? I handed her divorce papers, but gave in when she apologized. However, I can't get over the jealousy. Thank you for the response.


An apology means NOTHING when the changed behavior isn’t in alignment with the words.
She’s betraying you. It may be worthwhile to serve those divorce papers again and start making her realize what her life looks like when she is a cheater - because that’s what she is.

and since she hasn’t changed her behavior - she doesn’t respect you and she she doesn’t care if she hurts you. That’s not a healthy marriage.

tell her to move.
Does she work full time?


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## marko polo

File for divorce. Halt the proceedings if you feel she has made a genuine improvement. Don't hold your breath


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## Arkansas

so Satan is working on her, she's letting him in

desire, lust, cheating, lying .... its all thrill based and she's going down that road, might have already gone down it

you said showing little remorse? that's a key IMO ... because its a type of self justification for he actions

she's going to cheat on you if the sources of why she's doing what she's doing isn't discovered and only she can fix this - you cannot


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## Girl_power

Oh my god who cares if she is googling old flames you guys are 50 years old!!!! 

Also, never throw the D word around unless you really mean it. 

Why are you looking at her google search history? Why aren’t you secure in your marriage? Besides you finding her google history, what else has she done that make you question your marriage?


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