# young couple (26) with sex problems



## worriedHubby (Dec 24, 2012)

Hello, my wife and i are 26-27 years old, been married for 2 years dated for 4 and i fear that we are headed for a sexless marriage.

I expected that the amount of sex we'd be having would fall off, i just didn't think that it would start so soon. We've been married for about 2.5 years and are already only having sex about once a month if that. I've tried to talk with her about any problems that there might be and in the past she mentioned that she didn't like the dirty feeling after sex and suggested we tried using condoms, which we did. This didn't help much if any and after talking to her while driving for about 4 hours tonight i managed to get her to open up a little where she informed me that she doesn't like the thought of sex in general. She swears that she hasn't been abused in the past and that she doesn't know why buy more and more she is starting to despise sex in general citing a frustration with the state of the world and how women and female animals are suppressed/controlled by their male counterparts.

I've always tried to not force sex on anyone much to my own frustration and tension and she validated that i don't pressure or try to control/force her. I'm stressed out now not knowing what to do. she doesn't want to talk to anyone about it and doesn't see interested in trying anything to try and reignite her sex drive aside from consuming some herbal dried ginseng root.

I really need advice on this, what do i do? the thought that i/she will/could be unfaithful and that this could be damaging to our marriage is sending me into depression as I love her more than anyone. I don't want to force/guilt/pressure her to do something she doesn't want to but even getting her to cuddle is more and more difficult unless the thermostat goes out and the temperature drops below 50F.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I will say that it is very good that you got her to open up and be honest about her feelings, despising sex and the dirty feeling it brings. At least you know that it is not that she is not attracted to you, and not that she is having an affair.

Now, you married your wife with the expectation and assumption that you would have a sexual relationship. If she withdraws from the sex life then she is not holding up her end of the marriage. You can not be expected to live in a sexless marriage just because she has started to despise sex. It is very important that you understand this and do not attempt to compromise. Do not let her convince you that you are wrong for expecting to have a good, satisfying sex life in your marriage.

Given the things she is saying your wife needs professional counseling. You have to make her go to counseling. She might not want to go but you have to make it clear that you will not be drawn into a sexless marriage.

If she really will not go then your best course of action is to lawyer up and prepare for divorce. Filing for divorce might shock her into action. Otherwise you should get divorced. In case it isn't obvious, you should absolutely not get her pregnant until this is resolved.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

If you think that a sexless marriage will lead to you having an affair. Then divorce now. Don't "deal with it." Don't go to counseling, just go straight to a lawyer. 

If I sound cold its because I have seen this happen many times. Then the person becomes unfaithful. Why go this far? Safe you and your partner the heartache and move on divorcing and then marrying someone you love.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

By the way why did you expect the amount of sex to fall off?

Do you believe that sex is supposed to fall off after getting married? (this is not true)

Or did you get some indication from her that this was going to happen.


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## worriedHubby (Dec 24, 2012)

east2west said:


> By the way why did you expect the amount of sex to fall off?
> 
> Do you believe that sex is supposed to fall off after getting married? (this is not true)
> 
> Or did you get some indication from her that this was going to happen.


I don't recall where the idea comes from but I've always heard/read that ones sex life does eventually taper off. I don't want a divorce as i really love her and care for her, and the idea of divorce to me seems like i've failed. (partially related to my parents being divorced due to my fathers infidelity and myself swearing that i wont end the same way) 

I'm looking at this book that i've seen mentioned around here and considering buying it to see if this touted MTP? plan can help.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

worriedHubby said:


> I really need advice on this, what do i do? *the thought that i/she will/could be unfaithful* and that this could be damaging to our marriage is sending me into depression as I love her more than anyone. I don't want to force/guilt/pressure her to do something she doesn't want to but even getting her to cuddle is more and more difficult unless the thermostat goes out and the temperature drops below 50F.


WH, see that bolded phrase up there? You're on the right track. She's detaching from you because there is another guy. He may not be in the saddle yet (he probably is) but he's definitely on her radar. All that BS about "oppression" is just BS to throw you off.

Any idea who her BF might be? Does she work or go to school? 

Have you looked at her phone and the phone bill? Does she have her own car?


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> WH, see that bolded phrase up there? You're on the right track. She's detaching from you because there is another guy. He may not be in the saddle yet (he probably is) but he's definitely on her radar. All that BS about "oppression" is just BS to throw you off.
> 
> Any idea who her BF might be? Does she work or go to school?
> 
> Have you looked at her phone and the phone bill? Does she have her own car?


I agree that you should also check for an affair. You don't want to waste a lot of time and money on therapy if she is cheating. Just get a divorce. It will be her that failed not you. Just make sure that you don't cheat otherwise you will never forgive yourself.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

worriedHubby said:


> Hello, my wife and i are 26-27 years old, been married for 2 years dated for 4 and i fear that we are headed for a sexless marriage.
> 
> I expected that the amount of sex we'd be having would fall off, i just didn't think that it would start so soon. We've been married for about 2.5 years and are already only having sex about once a month if that. I've tried to talk with her about any problems that there might be and in the past she mentioned that she didn't like the dirty feeling after sex and suggested we tried using condoms, which we did. This didn't help much if any and after talking to her while driving for about 4 hours tonight i managed to get her to open up a little where she informed me that she doesn't like the thought of sex in general. She swears that she hasn't been abused in the past and that she doesn't know why buy more and more she is starting to despise sex in general citing a frustration with the state of the world and how women and female animals are suppressed/controlled by their male counterparts.
> 
> ...


I assume that you two don't have kids? If so, then thank your lucky stars that you found this out before becoming permanently attached to her and LEAVE HER. She's being pretty gutsy trying to pull this crap on you so early.

READ WHAT OTHER MEN HAVE POSTED ON HERE! They all saw warning signs early in the marriage but ignored them. I agree with other posters that she might be cheating BUT even if she's being honest IT SAYS A LOT ABOUT HER THAT SHE KEPT THESE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS A SECRET UNTIL YOU MARRIED HER. Did you have frequent sex while dating?

IF YOU TRY TO IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIP SHE MIGHT FAKE THINGS UNTIL YOU GET HER PREGNANT! Get out now!


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

worriedHubby said:


> I don't recall where the idea comes from but I've always heard/read that ones sex life does eventually taper off. I don't want a divorce as i really love her and care for her, and the idea of divorce to me seems like i've failed. (partially related to my parents being divorced due to my fathers infidelity and myself swearing that i wont end the same way)
> 
> I'm looking at this book that i've seen mentioned around here and considering buying it to see if this touted MTP? plan can help.


This is conventional wisdom. It is false. Assuming the sex life is good in the beginning, it only tapers off if one of you becomes unhealthy, unattractive, or bad at sex (by your partners definition).

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and have more and better sex now than in the beginning. We are both 33. If that ever changes I will take it as a signal that there is a problem that requires immediate action.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

worriedHubby said:


> I expected that the amount of sex we'd be having would fall off, i just didn't think that it would start so soon.


YOU ARE COMPLETELY WRONG! If you keep this attitude, then even if you get out of this marriage YOU'LL BE ASKING FOR THE SAME TREATMENT FROM EVERY OTHER WOMAN YOU'RE WITH.

Yes, it takes effort to keep your mutual sex life interesting but if it is completely one-sided (with you doing all the work) then it is a symptom of much deeper problems in the marriage.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

east2west said:


> This is conventional wisdom. It is false. Assuming the sex life is good in the beginning, it only tapers off if one of you becomes unhealthy, unattractive, or bad at sex (by your partners definition).
> 
> My wife and I have been together for 8 years and have more and better sex now than in the beginning. We are both 33. If that ever changes I will take it as a signal that there is a problem that requires immediate action.


Beat me to it.


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

From what I have picked up very recently from books all i can say is you have to make your life how you want it to be, no one else is going to do this for you

If I was you I would get a hobby, go the Gym get fit and never ever let your wife talk you out of doing it. You must stay strong to your cause and look after yourself, the rest should fall into place.

Woman are attracted to men who know them selves, who know what they want and get what they want. She should find this a big turn on and hopefully her inhabitations will get chucked out of the window.

I am doing this at the moment as well.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

sex is one way to share and express in a relationship. not wanting intimacy because of the state of the world and other general issues doesn't sound like there is focus on the two of you and your specific relationship. 
how is the rest of the marriage going? feels like there is something else going and the diminishing sex is a symptom.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Sounds like she has some issues she should of dealt with before marrying you. Not cool on her part.

A man being intimate with a woman, is natural, a perfect fit physically for procreation and mentally, and it isn't dirty or violating a woman. Violating a woman would be anal sex, something un-natural, painful and against her will.

If you take care of your body, are fit, surprise her now and then with flowers, romantic cards, chocolates, cuddling, watching a movie/tv shows she likes to watch with her, foot rubs, give her attention without always making it sexual, in most cases, this should do the trick. If it doesn't, she has some issues that need to be addressed because its not you.

In my situation, after I got married, BJ's once a day to 1 -2 times a month. The sex dropped off big time as well. It's not because I'm fat, quite the opposite. It's my wife that is big and has gotten a lot bigger during the 13 years. I think after you get married, either the husband or wife, get comfortable, lazy and the other half gets resentful, hurt and the marriage suffers.

Basically, marriage is a two way partnership. Both sides have to make the effort.


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

worriedHubby said:


> I've tried to talk with her about any problems that there might be and in the past she mentioned that she didn't like the dirty feeling after sex and suggested we tried using condoms, which we did. This didn't help much if any and after talking to her while driving for about 4 hours tonight i managed to get her to open up a little where she informed me that she doesn't like the thought of sex in general. She swears that she hasn't been abused in the past and that she doesn't know why buy more and more she is starting to despise sex in general citing a frustration with the state of the world and how women and female animals are suppressed/controlled by their male counterparts.


worriedHubby,

I would first explore this issue with her. Do the two of you have a relationship of strong connection and communication (except in the area of intimacy at this point)?

It is important to understand what she is feeling. Is she expressing her feelings about this?

It is not all-together wise to assume the worst first. You can unwittingly ruin your relationship if you don't have it right. If she begins to show true colors that are not honest and committal towards you, then you can figure that out by analyzing the veracity of her answers.


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## Phoenix_87 (Dec 24, 2012)

did you have sex before marrying or after marrying her you found out these issues? 
Im 25 y/o recently married and my H and I are having some problems related to sex. 
Im almost certain that your wife is recenting you in some other aspect of your relationship and thats why she doesnt feel comfortable having sex she feels degraded or unloved, Im telling you this because my situation is very similar, I also feel like sex is dirty (which is weird because before getting married I never felt this way) sometimes sperm bothers me and just the thought of it turns me on. I have requested to my H to use a condom but he hates it. We still have sex like 3-4 times per week but he always starts it, not like before. My behavior is due to some thoughts I've been having and I havent told him but I recent him for some stuff I feel like he doesnt loves me and the only thing he cares about is sex. 
And I have told him sex is so boring and pointless, and is overrated socially. I dont even think so but I just tell him because it bothers me when he barely talks to me in the day and expects me to have sex as if our marriage was a fairytale. 
I dont know if that's helpful for you or at least gives you a perspective of what your wife might be thinking. And in my case, Im trying to act more enthusiastic about the sex thing that is my goal


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> WH, see that bolded phrase up there? You're on the right track. She's detaching from you because there is another guy. He may not be in the saddle yet (he probably is) but he's definitely on her radar. All that BS about "oppression" is just BS to throw you off.
> 
> Any idea who her BF might be? Does she work or go to school?
> 
> Have you looked at her phone and the phone bill? Does she have her own car?



I totally agree that's A BS excuse. If she feels sex is oppressive especially from a nice caring guy - I would begin to wonder if she is a lesbian...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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