# Sex frequency in newlywed



## PGupta (11 mo ago)

Hi, I have never joined any community before but this time I really need help!!!
I got married in dec 2021 and even though it was an arranged marriage i really liked the guy we went on dates and I fell for him before our wedding... however our sex life after marriage is not going that great i mean I do find him very attractive and we had sex before marriage too but now I don't feel like doing it every day and he says that newly wed usually have sex every day and i even get mad at him sometimes when i am not in mood....I thought maybe condom is the reason bcz I don't like using them so I started taking pills but after i enjoyed that only for few days and after that we did it just 2-3 times a week....I don't know the reason but I always try to avoid sex and just want to cuddle and sleep peacefully I do really love him but whenever we are so much in love I just want that to feel that moment in a non sexual way however my husband gets turned on and then I end up getting mad at him...I am not surehow to solve this....Also for my husband I was his first but I have had sex before so he thinks that's the reason for my low sex drive now...is this normal??? Or should we consult someone???


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Ask a question to yourself - Do you really love him ? If yes, then you shouldnt go mad if you arent in a mood to have sex.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

PGupta said:


> Hi, I have never joined any community before but this time I really need help!!!
> I got married in dec 2021 and even though it was an arranged marriage i really liked the guy we went on dates and I fell for him before our wedding... however our sex life after marriage is not going that great i mean I do find him very attractive and we had sex before marriage too but now I don't feel like doing it every day and he says that newly wed usually have sex every day and i even get mad at him sometimes when i am not in mood....I thought maybe condom is the reason bcz I don't like using them so I started taking pills but after i enjoyed that only for few days and after that we did it just 2-3 times a week....I don't know the reason but I always try to avoid sex and just want to cuddle and sleep peacefully I do really love him but whenever we are so much in love I just want that to feel that moment in a non sexual way however my husband gets turned on and then I end up getting mad at him...I am not surehow to solve this....Also for my husband I was his first but I have had sex before so he thinks that's the reason for my low sex drive now...is this normal??? Or should we consult someone???


It's good to get counselling early in the marriage, rather than let it build to a crisis. 
In principle, it is said that a couple needs about a month of counselling for every year of marriage, so it's in your best interest to get on it as soon as possible, when the most obvious reasons for your lack of desire doesn't take a backseat to future reasons and becomes hard to draw out.


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## PGupta (11 mo ago)

Helping Hand said:


> Ask a question to yourself - Do you really love him ? If yes, then you shouldnt go mad if you arent in a mood to have sex.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Not wanting to do it all the time is that normal for newly wed?


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## PGupta (11 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> It's good to get counselling early in the marriage, rather than let it build to a crisis.
> In principle, it is said that a couple needs about a month of counselling for every year of marriage, so it's in your best interest to get on it as soon as possible, when the most obvious reasons for your lack of desire doesn't take a backseat to future reasons and becomes hard to draw out.


Thanks even I am thinking of it


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

PGupta said:


> Thanks even I am thinking of it


You probably already know why, because you tell yourself the reason, or reasons, every time he approaches you, but you may need the services of a counselor in order to find the words to tell him what you need from him in order for you to look forward to making love to him without wounding him.

It's early enough in the marriage that you can probably get to the core issues quickly.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Does his inexperience affect your enjoyment? If he needs to learn how to pleasure you, now would be a good time to do so, before a pattern of resentment and rejection ruins your marriage.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

PGupta said:


> Thanks even I am thinking of it


Maybe this TAM thread and Blog applies to you?

Side question, has there been any abuse in your past, especially as a child?
Sorry for the tough question but there's a logical reason for your current feelings if there has been abuse.









Something for all Men in Dead Bedroom situations to read...


So I came across this post today on a blog and I think men need to understand this stuff. Read the comments as well. This will probably be a difficult read for some but I think it's important for guys stuck in this situation to understand - AND ASK YOUR WIFE POINT BLANK if she feels that way...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Newlyweds normally bang like rabbits.


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## PGupta (11 mo ago)

Quad73 said:


> Does his inexperience affect your enjoyment? If he needs to learn how to pleasure you, now would be a good time to do so, before a pattern of resentment and rejection ruins your marriage.





BeyondRepair007 said:


> Maybe this TAM thread and Blog applies to you?
> 
> Side question, has there been any abuse in your past, especially as a child?
> Sorry for the tough question but there's a logical reason for your current feelings if there has been abuse.
> ...


There are multiple incidents like that when I was a child even in my first relationship but after that I started enjoying sex. I will give this post a read thanks


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

PGupta said:


> *I do find him very attractive *and we had sex before marriage too but now I don't feel like doing it every day and he says that newly wed usually have sex every day and i even get mad at him sometimes when i am not in mood....I thought maybe condom is the reason bcz I don't like using them so bu*I started taking pills *after i enjoyed that only for few days and after that we did it just 2-3 times a week....*I don't know the reason but I always try to avoid sex *and just want to cuddle and sleep peacefully I do really love him


If this is a change since you began taking hormone based birth control then it is likely the birth control. Hormone based birth control is a well known libido killer.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

PGupta said:


> There are multiple incidents like that when I was a child even in my first relationship but after that I started enjoying sex. I will give this post a read thanks


Since abuse is in your past I would recommend immediately starting individual counseling to resolve those past issues.

The way I understand it (very simply), your current "safe" relationship causes you to subconsciously want to avoid the abuse from past 'safe' relationships so you turn off the libido.

I have no idea if that's valid or true in your case but to my simple mind it makes sense.

Best of luck OP


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## PGupta (11 mo ago)

MJJEAN said:


> If this is a change since you began taking hormone based birth control then it is likely the birth control. Hormone based birth control is a well known libido killer.


Actually yes before I was not that worried bcz our frequency was not this low... I need to look more into the birth control pills side effects


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

PGupta said:


> Not wanting to do it all the time is that normal for newly wed?


I had no urge to do it every day as newlywed and I am a very horny dude. 

Every couple needs to find a rhythm that works for them. To be in any kind of partnership there has to some level of collaboration, cooperation and compromise.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Since abuse is in your past I would recommend immediately starting individual counseling to resolve those past issues.
> 
> The way I understand it (very simply), your current "safe" relationship causes you to subconsciously want to avoid the abuse from past 'safe' relationships so you turn off the libido.
> 
> ...


Serious question, where did you get this from? I am definitely curious to know more.


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## PGupta (11 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Serious question, where did you get this from? I am definitely curious to know more.


From one of my close relatives when I was a child but I was too small to understand that I realised it afterwards


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## PGupta (11 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I had no urge to do it every day as newlywed and I am a very horny dude.
> 
> Every couple needs to find a rhythm that works for them. To be in any kind of partnership there has to some level of collaboration, cooperation and compromise.


Thanks


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Serious question, where did you get this from? I am definitely curious to know more.


Sorry I can't give you anything specific and don't recall where I read it. It was reported by an OP as what their therapist was saying. It stuck with me because my wife.

The thinking was that pre-marriage the partner is not really 'locked down and safe' so desire is still there. But once married that changes.
The brain remembers the old abuse from safe relationships and tries to avoid that in the current safe relationship.

The trouble is that sexual desire can continue with 'unsafe' partners thus the infidelity situation.

Honestly I have no idea if any of that is valid but it's something that made sense to me so I filed it.

ETA: 'unsafe' partners didn't abuse, that's why there can be sexual desire there.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

PGupta said:


> I was his first but I have had sex before so he thinks that's the reason for my low sex drive now...is this normal??? Or should we consult someone???


Could the birth control pills be lowering your libido?


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## PGupta (11 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Could the birth control pills be lowering your libido?


I saw someone else's comment too I need to look more into the side-effects


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Well, if you're not happy with your sexual relationship now and don't correct now now now, it will never improve. 

Take the bull by the horns and find the reasons. You may not like what you find but it may be nothing really. I can't emphasize enough, resolve this now or it will exponentially make your relationship overall worse, quickly. Then comes resentment, anger, closed off communications, and a car crash of a M.

You both should obviously be in the tail und of the honeymoon phase but still in rabbit sex.

Act now or simmer unhappily for years, eventually separating.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Everyone is different and not everyone wants sex every day.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

For SOME women, the act of cohabitating, marrying, having kids... will sloooowly but surely turn down the sexy knob, if not shut it off completely. The man is ready to go at a moment's notice, but the woman is saying, "Yeah, that's not ME anymore". This is a perfectly understandable new frame of mind to be in, but it's one that needs to be vocalized and come to terms with and one that can be circumnavigated. You have to work to remove yourself from the new domestic life and go back to the old you. Going out on dates, weekends away, role-playing, etc. Many men that I coach report that their wives are waaaaaay different at home with kids vs. away on an adults-only trip. This was noticed, acknowledged by the wife, and they found a way to get much-needed adults-only time while at home. Little things here and there make all the difference. 

Of course, the above only applies if the wife is willing to "work" on things. If she says, "Screw you. I'm not leaving the kids. I don't want sex and never will. It's your problem, not mine. Go ahead and get you a woman elsewhere. I don't care"... well, it may be time to move on.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

thunderchad said:


> Newlyweds normally bang like rabbits.


That may be true but we didn't.


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## PGupta (11 mo ago)

Okay so I am starting to think now since we are living with in-laws that may also be the reason bcz I am a whole different person even when i am with my family I can't even think about sex at that time.....I am used to living alone so now living with in-laws can also be the reason why I don't get too excited.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

PGupta said:


> Okay so I am starting to think now since we are living with in-laws that may also be the reason bcz I am a whole different person even when i am with my family I can't even think about sex at that time.....I am used to living alone so now living with in-laws can also be the reason why I don't get too excited.


Ha ha. Yea for sure, living with parents can be an intimacy blocker for sure! Been there done that!

How long do you have to stay there?
Can you take a "get-away" vacation for a few days to help with privacy?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

PGupta said:


> Hi, I have never joined any community before but this time I really need help!!!
> I got married in dec 2021 and even though it was an arranged marriage i really liked the guy we went on dates and I fell for him before our wedding... however our sex life after marriage is not going that great i mean I do find him very attractive and we had sex before marriage too but now I don't feel like doing it every day and he says that newly wed usually have sex every day and i even get mad at him sometimes when i am not in mood....I thought maybe condom is the reason bcz I don't like using them so I started taking pills but after i enjoyed that only for few days and after that we did it just 2-3 times a week....I don't know the reason but I always try to avoid sex and just want to cuddle and sleep peacefully I do really love him but whenever we are so much in love I just want that to feel that moment in a non sexual way however my husband gets turned on and then I end up getting mad at him...I am not surehow to solve this....Also for my husband I was his first but I have had sex before so he thinks that's the reason for my low sex drive now...is this normal??? Or should we consult someone???


It's normal for the high drive excitement to settle down after you've been together for awhile, especially for women, who have their emotions tied to it. Men very often can and will have sex whether things are going well or they are even happy or even if they're mad or sad. They will have sex any old time, a lot of them, but most women are not that way. Like you said, most women want that emotional connection and would like to feel like their man liked them to just be with them and visit with and do things with other than sex, but a lot of men are not up for that. 

Don't do anything you don't want to do, but if it's not too uncomfortable for you, reach some sort of compromise. You should tell him you value a nonsexual affection connection and not just sex, that you need some of both. If you can't compromise on things, then take it to a marriage counselor to help you two talk it out. Wanting to do it every day is not necessarily normal for newlyweds who were already having sex prior to marriage. That was your true honeymoon period! Kids will slow sex down as well. 

I think most men know women's sex drive often slows down as the years go by, the longer you are together, but they don't want to know it. I mean, it's a fact. 

If he's watching porn, that could be making him horny when he otherwise wouldn't be, too, and most men these days watch it. Then they complain they're "high drive" (hornier) than their wife, but they're making it worse watching porn because that just gets them excited (about someone who isn't you). Then if you tell them to masturbate to fill in the gaps when you don't want sex, they just also use that as an excuse to watch porn, and it's just the beginning of destruction of the marriage when it goes that way. They want different things that only a paid or enslaved porn actress would do and start comparing you to the fake boobed women in porn. So I hope for your sake he isn't watching porn or if he is, not very much.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

jonty30 said:


> It's good to get counselling early in the marriage, rather than let it build to a crisis.
> In principle, it is said that a couple needs about a month of counselling for every year of marriage, so it's in your best interest to get on it as soon as possible, when the most obvious reasons for your lack of desire doesn't take a backseat to future reasons and becomes hard to draw out.


I would need counseling from participating in counseling 😆


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

When my wife and I got married, the sex for the first week where we were both off was insane in frequency......Baby, we gotta slow down or one of us will have an aneurysm 🤣


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's normal for the high drive excitement to settle down after you've been together for awhile, especially for women, who have their emotions tied to it. Men very often can and will have sex whether things are going well or they are even happy or even if they're mad or sad. They will have sex any old time, a lot of them, but most women are not that way. Like you said, most women want that emotional connection and would like to feel like their man liked them to just be with them and visit with and do things with other than sex, but a lot of men are not up for that.
> 
> Don't do anything you don't want to do, but if it's not too uncomfortable for you, reach some sort of compromise. You should tell him you value a nonsexual affection connection and not just sex, that you need some of both. If you can't compromise on things, then take it to a marriage counselor to help you two talk it out. Wanting to do it every day is not necessarily normal for newlyweds who were already having sex prior to marriage. That was your true honeymoon period! Kids will slow sex down as well.
> 
> ...


So, I noticed here, you mentioned porn may make him want sex more frequently yet most if not all posters are saying to posters hey your H must be watching porn and your sex life is almost dead because of the porn.

Probably there are both cases I'd guess, but it just seemed interesting and unusual to hear porn in general (no fetish or kink mentioned) condemned from the opposite direction.

Just general conversation.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> So, I noticed here, you mentioned porn may make him want sex more frequently yet most if not all posters are saying to posters hey your H must be watching porn and your sex life is almost dead because of the porn.
> 
> Probably there are both cases I'd guess, but it just seemed interesting and unusual to hear porn in general (no fetish or kink mentioned) condemned from the opposite direction.
> 
> Just general conversation.


It is both. Just depends on the circumstances.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Getting angry over him wanting sex with you is not normal unless he pressures you. Him wanting it every night isn’t uncommon at all. You never wanting it, just wanting to cuddle and go to sleep is abnormal.
Definitely see about the birth control, also consider that a man that marries a woman that doesn’t want sex with him— is an unhappy man. Unhappy men mess up.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

dadstartingover said:


> For SOME women, the act of cohabitating, marrying, having kids... will sloooowly but surely turn down the sexy knob, if not shut it off completely. The man is ready to go at a moment's notice, but the woman is saying, "Yeah, that's not ME anymore". This is a perfectly understandable new frame of mind to be in, but it's one that needs to be vocalized and come to terms with and one that can be circumnavigated. You have to work to remove yourself from the new domestic life and go back to the old you. Going out on dates, weekends away, role-playing, etc. Many men that I coach report that their wives are waaaaaay different at home with kids vs. away on an adults-only trip. This was noticed, acknowledged by the wife, and they found a way to get much-needed adults-only time while at home. Little things here and there make all the difference.
> 
> Of course, the above only applies if the wife is willing to "work" on things. If she says, "Screw you. I'm not leaving the kids. I don't want sex and never will. It's your problem, not mine. Go ahead and get you a woman elsewhere. I don't care"... well, it may be time to move on.


Yeah but in this case they are newlyweds.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> When my wife and I got married, the sex for the first week where we were both off was insane in frequency......Baby, we gotta slow down or one of us will have an aneurysm 🤣


Set a new record, 36 times in Feb! (And there is still time left in the day! lol) and we've been married 32. This is better than when we were newlyweds. Good and frequent sex can happen at any point in marriage. You just have to remain sexually attracted to each other.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Set a new record, 36 times in Feb! (And there is still time left in the day! lol) and we've been married 32. This is better than when we were newlyweds. Good and frequent sex can happen at any point in marriage. You just have to remain sexually attracted to each other.


Whoa! Bravo dude! And Mrs dude!


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## PGupta (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Ha ha. Yea for sure, living with parents can be an intimacy blocker for sure! Been there done that!
> 
> How long do you have to stay there?
> Can you take a "get-away" vacation for a few days to help with privacy?


Yes we are planning it after Holi celebration


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## PGupta (11 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's normal for the high drive excitement to settle down after you've been together for awhile, especially for women, who have their emotions tied to it. Men very often can and will have sex whether things are going well or they are even happy or even if they're mad or sad. They will have sex any old time, a lot of them, but most women are not that way. Like you said, most women want that emotional connection and would like to feel like their man liked them to just be with them and visit with and do things with other than sex, but a lot of men are not up for that.
> 
> Don't do anything you don't want to do, but if it's not too uncomfortable for you, reach some sort of compromise. You should tell him you value a nonsexual affection connection and not just sex, that you need some of both. If you can't compromise on things, then take it to a marriage counselor to help you two talk it out. Wanting to do it every day is not necessarily normal for newlyweds who were already having sex prior to marriage. That was your true honeymoon period! Kids will slow sex down as well.
> 
> ...


No He doesn't watch porn


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

PGupta said:


> No He doesn't watch porn


Good! 
It's rare enough that two people are on the same sex frequency schedule. There certainly are exceptions, but most men want sex more often than most women. He just needs to respect your needs as well as you respect his and you two will probably have to work out some kind of compromise. That shouldn't be too hard as long as you are generally enjoying it. But if he does start to expect things of you that you don't enjoy, you'll have to make him know that that makes you want to have sex less often. You just need to communicate with him as you go along so you don't set a pattern that you can't live with.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

PGupta said:


> Not wanting to do it all the time is that normal for newly wed?


Yes it’s completely normal.


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

There is no frequency normal for couples in newly weds. All that matters is you're in sync with one another regarding to your needs in the bedroom. That's all that matters, don't put yourself under pressure. Enjoy


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

And when you start off a sentence with… well other people… (as in other newlyweds have sex everyday) your already wrong. Who cares what other people do. 

I use to be so crazy about the frequency of sex I was having and I used it as some type of measurement… it was so dumb. Worry about the quality of sex not the frequency.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Honey I’m still in the honeymoon stage with you and I can’t get enough of you. Verses…. Well we’re suppose to have sex everyday because other people do it when they were newlyweds.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

We did not have sex every day as newlyweds. We had already been having sex for over two years. 

It may be a combo of the birth control pills, your husband's expectations and living with his parents. I'm not going to throw in the CSA because you don't seem to know how it has affected you.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

PGupta said:


> Hi, I have never joined any community before but this time I really need help!!!
> I got married in dec 2021 and even though it was an arranged marriage i really liked the guy we went on dates and I fell for him before our wedding... however our sex life after marriage is not going that great i mean I do find him very attractive and we had sex before marriage too but now I don't feel like doing it every day and he says that newly wed usually have sex every day and i even get mad at him sometimes when i am not in mood....I thought maybe condom is the reason bcz I don't like using them so I started taking pills but after i enjoyed that only for few days and after that we did it just 2-3 times a week....I don't know the reason but I always try to avoid sex and just want to cuddle and sleep peacefully I do really love him but whenever we are so much in love I just want that to feel that moment in a non sexual way however my husband gets turned on and then I end up getting mad at him...I am not surehow to solve this....Also for my husband I was his first but I have had sex before so he thinks that's the reason for my low sex drive now...is this normal??? Or should we consult someone???


You are not into him. He's not alpha enough.
Life is too short, get out now before you are with child. Date with no sex for 2 years. 1 year honey moon ends, the next year you see each others blemishes then you negotiations begin. You both are too young. Differing libido never come to match. Get out anul it.
You tried. You owe it to yourself and him.
Sex is too important. Neither of you two are ready to give up yourself for the other 100% right now


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