# Family unit and kids after separation / divorce



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Going through a separation with my stbxw. Been trying to focus on the kids (5 yr old daughter and 3 yr old son). Divorce and sale of house pending. We are sharing the kids 50/50.

Yesterday I took both of them to a bbq that their daycare was hosting. I wanted my daughter to see her friends and for us to do something together. I was looking forward to speaking to other parents and maybe even meeting other single parents. 

The kids had a great time with all the activities and food. I however felt really down seeing the other families together. Didn't get to speak to many parents. Most of the families were complete families and they tended to stick to themselves. It made me remember how we were once a family.

How did you single parents cope while going through a divorce or separation? I wanted to keep my family together but in the end it was only me trying. How do you get over those emotions and focus on your kids at the same time?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Time. Focus on you when you don't have them; focus on them when you do. 

Too soon to be looking for other single parents unless you just meant to hang with so as to not feel out of place. But if you were thinking women, too soon.

It's gradual and it can take years. Everyone has their own time table. It gets better.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Too soon to be looking for other single parents unless you just meant to hang with so as to not feel out of place. But if you were thinking women, too soon.


Was looking to speak to other parents and to hang out. Wanted to see what other single parents look like. I'm not thinking of having a relationship right now.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Ah, good. 

Do you have good male friends you can talk to? You could look for some meetup groups in your area where dads organize activities with their kids. Is your daughter old enough to be interested in peewee soccer or something along those lines? 

Think of anything you gave up when you got married. Golf? Building model trains? Anything? Take up an old hobby or discover a new one. Take a class at your local community college. Join toastmasters. Anything to have some healthy distractions and develop you/your interests. It will help you feel better about you and where you are. Most will also suggest going to the gym for stress relief. If you hate coming home to an empty apartment/house, consider a pet. Let the kids name it. Or schedule calls with friends or family. Turn on the music or TV - set them on timers if that helps. Try to remove/replace anything with strong emotional ties that remind you to ex - paint/redecorate, etc. - and it can be done relatively inexpensively if that's an issue. That way you don't always look at that chair in the living room where she always sat to read, etc.

It really depends on what bothers you most about your post-separation life but most of those suggestions hit the big stuff. The rest takes time. 

Since this is parenting forum, just keep things simple, honest and factual for the kids. The daughter may ask some questions so answer all of her questions in an age appropriate way. By answering she gets the understanding she needs for closure. Your son may be more needy plus he's likely going through his separation anxiety stage so anything you can do to make the transition easy will help. Lots of love and reassurance, quick phone calls to both parents when at the others. A photo in his room of the other parent or both of you , but in separate frames, not together. Try to keep his room with you similar to the one at Mom's. Paint the same color with a similar bedspread on the same style toddler bed. For kids it's consistency.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

You were brave to go, I'll bet the reason you didn't see a lot of single parents is because they were too intimidated to attend. 

With 40 or 50% of marriages ending there are a lot of single parents out there. 

Time is the thing that will help the most.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

indiecat said:


> You were brave to go, I'll bet the reason you didn't see a lot of single parents is because they were too intimidated to attend.
> 
> With 40 or 50% of marriages ending there are a lot of single parents out there.
> 
> Time is the thing that will help the most.


Thanks for the encouragement.

EnjoliWoman, it never occurred to me to have consistency between rooms. I think I knew that it would be good for the kids to have photos of their mom, it's just hard for me. However with that being said, because it's for them, I can easily do it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Time. Focus on you when you don't have them; focus on them when you do.


This

I seem to have developed a split personality as a result however; as during the week I'm young, free and single! But then on the weekend I'm nothing but a remnant of a former family man.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I find that's what's happening now for me. It doesn't feel right yet. All I wanted was to move on to the next chapter in my life and be a family man. Now I have to figure out how to occupy my free time when I'm single.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Crossfit or other sports


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

tryingpatience said:


> How did you single parents cope while going through a divorce or separation? I wanted to keep my family together but in the end it was only me trying. How do you get over those emotions and focus on your kids at the same time?


I wasn't able to really cope well to tell you the truth. I felt that as a woman, it was more stigmatizing to be divorced, especially as all of my friends were married.
I wasn't single for very long, however, but I don't think I would have managed well at all, especially as I had no extended family around with children. No support network.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Parents Without Partners 

This site might be worth looking out. In my area (Ontario Canada) we have the One Parent Families Association. It's pretty great. They have weekly meetings and all sorts of perks for being a member such as reimbursing you for going to the movies with your kids, dirt cheap discounted rates at attractions, special events etc. It's a good place to meet other single parent friends as only single parents may be members.

I'd also check on meetup. There are single parents and separation/divorce meet ups in my area. You may find something in yours.


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