# I never want to loose my wife...but what can i do?



## chris2222 (Apr 9, 2013)

Me and my wife have been married for several years now. We met on an online game because its actually 1 of our main hobbies. I moved to her discarding my life behind (which wasnt much) to come be with her. We started with nothing and basically were living with her mom. A while after living there we ended up getting to the point of being unseperable, we needed eachother like air. Tuns in common and Loved eachothers personality very much.

After a bit we ended up having our first kid. A beautiful baby boy. (4 now) and i stayed with her the whole time. There was noplace i rather wanted to be other than by her side I proposed to her during the time in the hospitol. I know i rushed and it was probably too soon but i personally felt that i was ready to have a family with this amazing girl. And she said yes without a thought. Some of her friends doubted me at first but after a bit of time.. i feel they all seemed to accept me and many even befrended me aswell. 

Her and i would alot of times be classified as a geek couple, which i cannot argue. We did alot of things that i know interested us both because some i got her into because she wanted to and some she taught me to love. After a bit i got really lucky and landed a decent job. And we were on our way out on our own, which we both could'nt wait. We had a small problem before we made it out on our own. She started acting a bit wierd on a game we both played, and i ended up looking to see why (i felt wrong for doing it, but after what i found i didnt know how i felt) she had been flirting with another guy on their and he was in return aswell.. Now from what i saw it was very obvious that this had JUST started. and i confronted her about it. She broke down and litterally yelled at me about how sad she felt about what happined. Now we solved this problem from what i believe to be very calm and collective. we all talked it out the 3 of us and the guy (also an online friend of mine) and he even personally oppoligized to me and wished that we could remain friends. Everything was fine after 2 weeks and then this guy went his own way (have not seen since). 

Shortly after that she informed me that she was pregnant with our 2nd baby boy. (2 years now) there was some complications in the actual birth but they both made it.. and i had a bit of a scare myself. But i was SO thankful everything came out just fine. Over the years of us being together we argued about the smallest things rarly but alot of times it was because she has a couple disorders as to where she snaps at times and says things she doesnt mean. When those things happined i learned quickly to compleatly ignore her, grab her kiss her and tell her i love her. Whenever i did that she would instantly break and suddenly understand everything. 

After our 2 boys we managed to get our own appartment it was nice.. nicer than where we started at. So i knew our family was going to make it.. it was going to grow slowly but surely in terms of what we dream of. after about a year of living there i ended up loosing my job over something stupid. (on my part) i did not lie to her i told her how dumb i was over what i did and our family suffered because of it for almost another year after that. and by suffered i mean in terms of money. we got lucky and recieved rental assistance where we live. turning our rent into -59$ a month. the 59 went on our power bill. But in all that time the lil extra money we managed to gain we had the bad habbit of blowing on something we wanted to do, or go, or something she wanted. She also had many things she wanted to have, this never bothered me i always wanted to give her these things. Making her happy made me that much happier. Our kids were a change of pace to our original lifestyle but we managed to adapt. 

We even did things that we like to entertain them aswell. When we have family time we often have grins on our faces when we see how the other is with our children. It felt good knowing we would be there for our kids, and they would'nt have the childhood we both had to live (both have had parent issues, seperation, abandonment). 

We often hopped around to different games online games like (mmorpgs) and played quiet a few. Recently started a newer one. Some of u might know it (swtor) but if not.. its just a game. Me and her started really getting into it more so than we did the ones before mostly because there was more content. We tried inviting people we knew that liked games aswell to play with us because frankly games like that arnt any fun unless you have friends with you. one of the main people we invited was a close friend (online) with us and he seemed to enjoy it.

My wife and him quicly became very close in terms of him telling her all about his life and she seemed to just listen and tell him what she thought. After a while of playing this game i got another job. things were looking up again. We even had a really good friend move in with us that in his ways were also helping with the house hold. Very understanding and helpfull person. One of my days coming home i poped up behind my wife while she was playing (i made sure she wasnt doing anything) and hugged her from behind and kissed her neck. When i looked up i saw from this guy we invited to play with us a heart on her screen that he sent... now normally we have all been acustom to writing things like that under certian situations but when my wife saw that i saw it she went cold. All emotion drained from her face and she looked at me and then darted for the upstairs bedroom. Before i followed her i wanted to know what the hell was going on. I scrolled up and saw what... it was happening again but by the looks of it has been for at least a little bit.

When i approched her in the bedroom she was obviously upset again. I wasnt mad i was upset but i figured this was happening again and we should just deal with it like we did before. I talked to her and she wanted forgiveness for what had happined. That made me feel alittle better but part of me didnt want to just keep forgiving. but i loved her with everything i was and i couldnt help it. We approched it like before and i forgave her. He was sorry and we seemed to try to go on as friends still playing this game, because we all liked it. What kinda concerned me was he was all tip top shape again and they talked again like nothing ever happined.. even more so than before. But i shrugged it off and i wanted to trust her.. but something inside me had to be sure. I became alittle possessive after that point but never saw anything bad everything was good. so i figured i was over thinking things. But my roomate started to tell me that she started doing webcams and constantly in call with at times dozens of hours. i approched her about this telling her its not that i dont trust her.. i felt they needed space so that maybe even he could just try to find some1 else to spend his whole day with other than my wife. I told her but not him. 

I started to get concerned about a few things because the next step was i wanted to be involved in the talks because if its no big deal having me in call would make no difference. at first they had no problem with it. But most of the time he was quiet. The wierdest thing was this guy and myself had more incommen then all of my friends here where i lived. Yet he always gave off the vibe he wanted nothing to do with me. about half a month went by of this, and i had to go to the bank for quarters. I came back and it was bad of me but my heart and my soul knew so strongly that it couldnt be wrong. I walked up to her while she was playing after being gone (knowing things were being said with them both knowing i wasnt around to see) and i saw them talking about how deeply they wanted to kiss eachother. and i didnt know what to do. I looked at her and i notioned to go to the bedroom. She looked more mad than upset at this point and we went upstairs to talk. I told her i was nice about this before but if this is to work hes gotta go. (not thinking anything more of this than a mistake) 

I was never possessive like this before until this started with this guy. i always just let her do her thing and never payed for it. BUT we always were still close... all the time she always said she loved me always seemed VERY loving twards me and our sex life at worst case sinario was one time every 3 days. it never seemed to simmer down. But in the last 2 weeks it actually increased.. to almost every day or more. I called this guy and i said we need to talk. We all got on call and i told him i didnt know what to do. I trusted them both already that his was handled and yet its still going on, possibly was never intended to be handled to begin with. He told me that she loved him, and also said that she loved me too... that she was conflicted... but we both agreed this cant just simply continue to go on. He was more ok with not making her chose.. but how can i continue as her husband if she wanted to keep her on the side boyfriend online while im there for her whenever she needed. It came to it.. and she more or less looked at me and said she wanted to go be with him.

I snapped inside and i didnt know what to do.. i fell apart infront of her and she insisted on saying to stop. I probably shouldnt have but i cut off the call.. i had to talk to her and find out what went so wrong. She told me that she didnt wana talk about it. I talked to her about so much our past our love, how i never done anything bad and why she wanted to do this to our family. She ended up breaking down and oppoligizing and saying she was confused. This gave me some hope but i dont understand how things have gotten so wrong. She only ever told me she was happy so i only ever thought i was doing good. She ended up saying that she wanted to be with me. And i feel like i actually seemed to get through to her about the way everything looked. She got on call with him again and told him its over and that she only did it cuz she wanted to be where he was and it would take time and money to move our family to there. He got upset and left. At that moment she clamed up again and even hurt herself minorly. but it really made me sad that she harmed herself for choosing me... i tried to keep my mind and heart seperate so that i could try to understand things and be there for her without falling apart on her like i have been. She would not talk to me for literally hours. Her mom came over and they ended up talking for a while... she came down and told me that shes sorry but it seems shes serious about it. I couldnt hold it back and felt like i was loosing everything.

This thing between them could not have been going on for more than a few weeks max. She came down after everythign and said she wanted to give me a chance. Which made me feel everything was not lost. I held her and told her how much she ment to me... and how much everything we created ment to me, i didnt care our roomate was right there but at the same time it never occured. We did a bit better and even made love that night. The next day was better, she was close and loving and i found out that from the other guy was awaiting a real answer on tuesday.. the day i worked. This gave me no hope because i feel this meeting was set up because i would not be home. I told her that if shes sure of what she wanted to simply tell him now. dont make me go to work with that on my mind. so she called him right there and i even agreed to go downstairs and do other stuff so im not involved. An hour went by of them talking upstairs and i started to loose hope again. But i respected our agreement and i stayed down away from it.

Her mom came over again and wanted to know where she was because she saw tears in my eyes and i simply pointed to our room. She went up and talked to them both for a very long time. and when she came down she said shes still going to give me a chance. She had set up an agreement for us all and all i had to do was agree to it. We were not to use computers almost at all and she was to have no contact with this guy for 2 months. And he agreed to this aswell. I took this chance in a heartbeat and i convinced myself whatever i gotta do ill quit my biggest addiction cold turkey if it ment keeping her. We went to watch a movie together to help clear our heads alittle bit but she sitting distant from me... (shes never done this) and i felt bad but i swallowed it. I notioned for her to comehere and get comfy and she did.. but she quickly got what looked like annoyed and sat back where she was. That night we talked alot and i got her to come out and tell me that she was harboring her love for him and trying to protect it. But i told her if she truely wanted to give me a chance to just let me in. 

In my mind it became a battle to make this woman fall in love with me again... dispite everything. and i felt i got through to her again that night. We didnt make love only because we felt it wasnt the time. the next morning she seemed worse again. and her mom came and wanted to kidnap us to come back to her house for a little bit so she could watch he kids and we could go for a walk. On this walk it was akward at first but we passed by a furnature store and she wanted to go in. so i had no objections. Inside we looked at alot of stuff and she started warming up again. I started to come to the conclusion that she felt our future was not maturing fast enough. So i what i did was explain to her that her future with the other guy even though is in the area she dreamed of would take alot longer to mature because she would have to start her whole life again from the ground up. and she confermed that i was right. We picked out a few things we wanted and left with smiles on our faces. We went to an old store we used to when we lived with her mom and it sold things like magic cards and other geeky sorta stuff, but we loved it all. Roaming around inside i looked at her and told her that our roomate probably wouldnt mind watching the kids for 1 day a week so that we could come back here at times and just enjoy eachother like we used to. This made her smile. I started to understand some of the problems that were bothering her, and after that we visited a bookstore we just puttered around a bit before finding a book that really seemed to speak to her. The position we were in i really couldnt afford to get it.. but i got to thinking about it and if this didnt work out. Everything would change anyway. So i did. it seemed to be a whole new adventure story that shes never seen before and it even intruged me some. I took her to a bench right by the water so that we can spend time sitting and talking. We sat down and the sun just came out. and she told me i already did it... and its only been 2 days. That i already got her to fall for me all over again. From that moment on things were going great. she told me she made her choice for real. but just before we fell asleep after making love she talked some to the friend of who she was seeing... and she was worried about him and actually said she still doesnt know what to do.

Here i am now... day 3/60 of the agreement and i feel like i made some serious progress but shes still so confused to me. And im scared to death im being told what i wana hear and being seduced to take things off my mind. But shes never been like that not ever. shes always been a great girl and extreamly caring. I never want to think of her in that way. Im only writing this on the computer cuz i was told its all ok to do so. Im just curious on what i should do. With all my heart i dont want to loose her, but am i doing things the best way i could? 

Idk if this is as big a concern as it was because during my writing of this she called me from her moms and told me how much i ment to her, and that she called the mutual friend of theres and said she made her choice, and it was me. I hope everything works out and i feel better right now than i have been but. im just still worried.


----------



## Playing Catch-Up (Apr 8, 2013)

You have quite a bit written up there so sorry if I missed something. I read it over but I worry I skipped a detail or two. Ok, so I think for one thing you need to stop trying to negotiate with her. She can't be pushed to make a decision between you or someone else. There can be only one choice for a married person, and that is their spouse. So she needs to get on board with you and with working on the marriage, or she needs to see that her ability to choose you will end. If you're not willing to insist on that you're going to have a really hard time getting her to work with you.


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I agree..I mean 3 years married and a post that long?Time for you to start talking to your spouse.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think you have probably handled it wrong, but you are at a point where she has chosen you. What you need to do now is put down some boundaries, such as no contact, open passwords for computer and phone, etc...

If this was a one-time thing, yeah maybe I could understand. But it was (a) multiple, (b) you were way to beta handling it and (c) she took too long to figure out what she wanted.

And keep the possibility of divorce on the table. Otherwise she will know that her actions have no consequences.


----------



## chris2222 (Apr 9, 2013)

ty for the input, me and my wife thus far have talked endlessly about things.. other than gaming thats the main thing we do... and even on it we constantly would talk to eachother.. even in the same room. as wierd as that sounds. As of now i feel as though the way things were going are on the Up scale. But like i said with as much as i have invested in this i dont wana take any false steps. As for the divorce.. i understand its possible.. really not wanted though so as long as options are available i dont wana start making threats. at this stage anyway if i can help it.


----------



## chris2222 (Apr 9, 2013)

but i also think a few changes in our life would help too... we rarly got out to do much of anything because were lacking a vehicle but we have a few more options in that department aswell, sorry for the double post.


----------



## Playing Catch-Up (Apr 8, 2013)

chris2222 said:


> ty for the input, me and my wife thus far have talked endlessly about things.. other than gaming thats the main thing we do... and even on it we constantly would talk to eachother.. even in the same room. as wierd as that sounds. As of now i feel as though the way things were going are on the Up scale. But like i said with as much as i have invested in this i dont wana take any false steps. As for the divorce.. i understand its possible.. really not wanted though so as long as options are available i dont wana start making threats. at this stage anyway if i can help it.


Yes, if you think you're at a better point than before, don't make threats about divorce. But you do need to consider the possibility that you may have to make that choice at some point. If you're talking with her and getting somewhere, I think then your focus needs to shift at some point, maybe not now but once things are stable, toward getting her to acknowledge that she can't be seeking to fix things in your marriage by relating to outsiders. It will only lead to problems when she does this. But if you leave the issue unspoken, then it could end up happening again.

Keep us posted on all this, like I said you've written a lot and I worry that something has been lost in the mix.


----------



## chris2222 (Apr 9, 2013)

tyvm ill keep everything in consideration. and yea... its still day 3 of that 60 day agreement we made.. so its early. but im wondering if she should face this guy to tell her answer.. or let things cook a bit longer for better flavor before she feels shes ready. I know she doesnt want to hurt this person and i can understand that but at the same time i really feel that his feelings are null and void in comparison to whats at stake. And becides knowing this person as i did when we were friends he never seemed to have no problems making the girl friends...


----------



## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Why are you having multiple children and sitting around playing games while on welfare instead of working?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Thoreau said:


> Why are you having multiple children and sitting around playing games while on welfare instead of working?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I second this question. I read your thread, and the fact that youtwo are playing games all the time, having kids and not working irritates the hell out of me. Right now, I'm sitting in an airport waiting for the first leg of my flight home. I worked this weekend and I haven't seen my wife and kids for 4 days. Do you want to know why she lost her attraction to you? It's because you are not providing for your family. You need to work. It doesn't matter what you do, find a job. You have no excuse for not having one. Does this OM have a job? If so, you are in trouble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## chris2222 (Apr 9, 2013)

i can tell who read the post and who skimmed because like i said near the end i have just gotten a job and looking to be moved to full time hopefully. If not im just gona have to find another job. And the fact that i play games with my spair time isnt any different of a hobby than anything else anyone does, reading a book, taking a walk its all just past time... free past time. But again if u read the post u could see were trying to get away from that kinda lifestyle and do more things hands on and together... im looking for any advice i could think on and maybe apply to my life in order to have a better marrage. But on that note things have improved alot in terms of us. But also at the same time she still insists on it being important on staying in contact with this fellow.


----------



## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

Gaming is NOT like other hobbies for some people. Some people can not seperate it from their daily lives. Having a second persona is so very addicting for people that have not learned how to be that in real life. Other hobbies, like gardening, sports, art...those do not create a whole second life, a seperate personality, an alternate world to escape into. You are still you.

Think about the persona's on your own games...do you simper and beg and bargain and barter for the attention of others...or are you powerful, competant and sure of yourself? It's time to learn how to bring that out in your day to day activities. Stop asking your wife to love you, instead, make yourself someone to be respected. Once you respect yourself, decide..."Do I want to be with something that puts me second?" 

She is not going to change her habits if she thinks she can get away with it. Like a four year old child...if you let them get away with stealing a brownie from the kitchen counter right in front of your face, why in the world would they not eat the whole pan when your back is turned?

I feel for you...but if you are unhappy with your life, it's time to give up the virtual one and work on your real one.


----------



## chris2222 (Apr 9, 2013)

thanks for the valuable information, im making note of this again... i havent been on the computer for weeks now only for watching a movie now and then and checking on this. Ive already decided to make the change myself. Mostly due to the fact that the online world really lost its taste to me after this all happened. We been outside more going for walks bringing food and staying out long times with the kids. But again ty for the consideration and info. Ill keep posted on whats up.


----------

