# I'll be there in 5 minutes....



## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Dear All - forgive me in advance, but I have to let off steam somewhere!!

Back ground...married 17 years. Sex was 2-3 times a week until children came along....once we had 2 children my wife went off sex. We now go through the motions of sex maybe once a month.

I usually go to bed at about 2245-2300hrs, my wife follows anything from 1-3 hours later. She is a TV addict.

Last night we watched a documentary for an hour. She sat on the floor between my legs...for the whole hour I was massaging her shoulders, neck, head etc. She didnt asked me to...I just...did it.

When the documentary ended (2250) I said that I was going to bed....She said 'I'll join you in 5 minutes'...

Of course, being a sex starved male, thought 'Wahay!'...I'm gonna get laid tonight! :smthumbup:

So I went to the bedroom, had a shower etc and got into bed. At midnight, my wife hadn't 'joined me' so I turned my light out and went to sleep.
I was vaguely aware of her coming in just after 0100hrs (I'm a light sleeper) - TWO hours after 'I'll join you in 5 minutes'!
She got into bed and slept.

This morning she said 'I was going to offer you a bonk last night but YOU were asleep'.

'I'm afraid I gave up waiting for you at midnight'...

'There was an interesting film on TV'.

Nice to know that television is more important than me.

The thing is, she was going to offer me sex, but the reason she didnt and I didnt get laid was because *I* was asleep. My fault.

Just as she kisses me good-bye and says 'pity you are going, I feel so horny'....just as I am about to get into the taxi to go to the airport on a business trip.
Same thing...she offers, I decline ('Excuse me Mr Taxi driver, can you wait 10 minutes whilst I go and have sex with my wife?'...hahahaha!) = my fault.

So the lack of sex in our marriage is my fault. :scratchhead:

All her behavoiur does is breed more resentment, bitterness, anger etc.
Its a vicious circle....and she doesnt give a flying [email protected]

Thanks for 'listening'...I feel a little better!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I'm so sorry for you, it must be a terrible way to live.

I couldn't do it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She sounds quite sadistic and you quite masochistic.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

This is the woman who doesn't like to kiss and has never given you any oral, right? 
I'm sorry to say, but it sounds to me like she doesn't love you and is barely tolerating you. You sound like a martyr ("this is my cross to bear in life" type of thinking). That's sad. 

Have you heard this?

"When the sex is great, it's 5% of a relationship.
When the sex ISN'T great, it's 95% of a relationship."


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Yes CoffeeAmore, thats the one. Well remembered!

She is on to a good wicket....she married into a reasonable weathly family, we live in a country where domestic staff is the norm.
My parents are elderly....I have asked them (and they have) to write me out of their will and to leave my inheritance directly to our children. That way when I leave she won't be able to get her hands on whatever my parents would have left me.

I'm sorry if I sound like a martyr....I don't like living the way I do but just at the moment I see no satisfactory way out. We have two children ages 10 and 12yrs... My wife will simply take the children back to her country of 'origin' and I'll be lucky to see them twice a year. They mean everything to me.
It would hurt them terribly if 'Mummy & Daddy' split up.

Once they are 15/16 and can understand more and are more able to make their own rational decisions, then I will leave and start living. Until then, I guess this is my 'lot'.

If I try talking to her about last night she simple won't understand...she won't see anything wrong in accepting and enjoying a one hour massage, then telling me 'lovingly' that she will be 5 minutes behind me then turning up 2 hours later....because there was an interesting film on TV. 

If I completely ignore what happen and give the impression that I am not bothered, then it won't bother her and as far as she is concerned she did nothing 'wrong'.
We've done the counselling bit...she stopped going when sex and its importance in marriage came up. I still go...though its now about ME as against US.

If I 'cold shoulder' her she won't put 2 + 2 together and realise that the reason I am 'cold' is because of last night...No, it will simply be ME being in a strop.

Hence me coming on here to let off steam!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Sadistic was the word that came to my mind too. It's one thing to blow you off but another to rub it in your face. WOW.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You LIVE on th back burner. Your sexual needs are and have been her very last priority. You're surprised that she picked a TV show over you? Why? She could tease you with a little sexy comment right before you got into a taxi because she knew there was no way in hell she'd have to do anything more.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Accept your lot in life, or don't. And stand up and make a change.

Whether i'ts about sex or not, she is dismissing your need for an intimate connection, and if it was me, I would change my behavior to make sure I get a better reaction. (because that's all you can do in the end... is practice how you react, and how you get a better reaction).

As a woman, the hint about 5 minutes would have implied that I was expecting the man to bust a move. Take the hint and go with it. It takes confidence after being rejected too many times. But it's like a test. "come get me in 5 minutes because your massages kinda turned me on". 

I would have taken the shower, and marched back in there and said "I'm more important than this show" and started kissing her, etc and lead her to the bedroom. And turned off the tv althogether, whether she was watching it or not. Do it with a smile.

Take the hints literally instead of personally. Would you be able to do that?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Communication is lacking. Tell her you want sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You're not going to fix this by being nice and taking it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

7737 said:


> 'There was an interesting film on TV'.
> 
> Nice to know that television is more important than me.
> 
> The thing is, she was going to offer me sex, but the reason she didnt and I didnt get laid was because *I* was asleep. My fault.


No DVR/tivo/etc? Record the damn thing and get her into the bedroom if the show/movie is that damn important!



7737 said:


> My parents are elderly....I have asked them (and they have) to write me out of their will and to leave my inheritance directly to our children. That way when I leave she won't be able to get her hands on whatever my parents would have left me.


This actually made me :rofl::rofl:



> If I try talking to her about last night she simple won't understand...she won't see anything wrong in accepting and enjoying a one hour massage, then telling me 'lovingly' that she will be 5 minutes behind me then turning up 2 hours later....because there was an interesting film on TV.


Again, record the damn program!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It sounds to me that neither of you are communicating clearly about the physical side of your marriage. Instead of going to bed and leaving her watching television, how about switching off the television, taking her hand and telling her: "I want you. _Now_..."

After the kids came along, what with her hormones being upside down etc, perhaps her libido was low, and she's just got into the habit of watching television in order to avoid sex... By taking the lead and appearing masterful (we women love it!), you could well ignite the spark and get things going again.

No matter what the outcome, you both need to communicate more clearly about your physical needs.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What Cosmo said
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Good suggestions but unless the deep seated resentment and mistrust are resolved, I'm afraid it may be too little too late.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Communication is lacking. Tell her you want sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's not stupid. She knows you want sex. She's known every hour of every day she's been with you. Making her care about what you want is the problem. I do disagree with others who have said your predicament is your own fault. The abused is never to blame for the actions of the abuser. The abused can certainly leave but they don't have the power to instill empathy, caring, or compassion into an abuser. It never has been your job to teach your wife to be a decent human being. She had parents for that purpose. Once the house has been erected, it's a little late to change the foundation. Perhaps you could 180 her, negotiate, or otherwise convince her to artificially behave sexually more often. If she does this often enough, she should gradually begin to "feel" more sexual (because people must justify to ourselves everything they do). If your plan is to wait until she spontaneously feels sexual desire to nearly the same level as you do, I fear you will be frustrated a very long time. Every time she turns you away and places her needs above yours, she's reinforcing and justifying her decision in her own mind, virtually guaranteeing that she will persist in her abuse.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

she is abusing you because its safe to do so. the "im so horny" comment right before you get into the taxi was to make sure you are thinking about sex with her the entire time you are gone so when you come back she can continue the charade.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

dang unbelievable, beat me by 1 minute


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

what she is doing is showing you she is "interested" in having sex when she has no intention of doing so. and then the reason you don't have sex is YOUR fault.

not sure what you can do about it. maybe when she said "5 minutes", you could have said "let's go now" and see what her reaction would have been.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She has expectations of you and she's obtaining some reward from being in the marriage. Link what she wants with what you want. If she sees that giving the absolute bare minimum only gets her bare minimum returns she just might have sense enough to step up her game. If she's only giving 10% of what you want but she's still receiving 100% from you, you're helping to train her to believe your needs aren't important and that the marriage requires very little effort on her part.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

7737 said:


> So the lack of sex in our marriage is my fault. :scratchhead:
> 
> All her behavoiur does is breed more resentment, bitterness, anger etc.
> Its a vicious circle....and she doesnt give a flying [email protected]
> ...


Captain, this is your co-pilot. You are way below the glideslope and we are about to plant this sucker on the middle marker.

Please read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. You are going about this all wrong. Remember CRM.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> She's not stupid. She knows you want sex.


If she crawls into bed with him and he says nothing/does nothing, then they he isn't communicating he wants sex. If she tells him the following morning "Gosh I was really horny" and he says nothing/does nothing, that's nto communicating.

Not talking about how much this is having an adverse effect on their marriage is NOT communicating. Not doing something to change it is not effective/not communicating. 

They both need to communicate what is going on in their heads. If one person isn't willing to meet halfway, then the other needs to decide whether to tolerate/stay in that dynamic or not.

No communication = more of the same.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Why do you even want to have sex with this woman? Do you want to get her pregnant again and extend the misery for another 20 years?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> If she crawls into bed with him and he says nothing/does nothing, then they he isn't communicating he wants sex. If she tells him the following morning "Gosh I was really horny" and he says nothing/does nothing, that's nto communicating.
> 
> Not talking about how much this is having an adverse effect on their marriage is NOT communicating. Not doing something to change it is not effective/not communicating.
> 
> ...


This poor sap is getting laid only once a month. If you got fed only once a month your husband wouldn't need to take a poll to figure out if you're hungry. This "I didn't know" crap is so full of it, it's not even funny. Without asking, I already know it wouldn't be ok with my wife if I only went to work one day out of the month. She knows 24 hours equals one day just as well as any 6 year old. She knows how long it's been since she's been intimate with her husband. If she doesn't know her husband's got a sex drive she's so clueless, uncaring, and unobservant she barely qualifies for status as a human being, let alone a wife. Dude's been without sex for weeks. He's massaging her shoulders and asks her if she's coming to bed. Hello? Did she think he wanted to play checkers?


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Thank-you for your responses.

Maybe I am my own worst enemy.... maybe I should have gone and got her and told her that I 'want' her 'now'....
The thing is, is that I have pride. I will not beg my wife for sex. In the past when I have come on to her I have been turned down with every excuse under the sun. It grinds you down, takes its toll on you and your self esteem.

If I have a headache, hers is worse....if my back is giving me hassle, so is hers only worse, if I have a tooth ache, she has two tooth aches and on it goes.
Its as if she is in competition with me...

She was never a very sexual person...2 maybe 3 times a week which has dwindled over the years to barely once a month now (when the flight is delayed hahahaha!)

As I mentioned earlier, we went to MC, each 3 times a month on our own and once a month together...it was going reasonably well, we were communicating more but the elephant in the room was sex.
The counsellor started talking about the importance of sex etc and gave my wife an article about what sex means to a man and how important it is to us. She skimmed through it and at the end said it was written by a man who wanted more sex.
It was infact written by a woman.
My wife stopped going to counselling.

To me it showed that she had no interest in sex, wasn't prepared to be even slightly open minded and certainly didn't care what it meant to me.

Maybe all she wants is the title 'Mrs', the son, daughter, golden retriever, nice car, foreign holidays, manicures, pedicures, the giving me a 'peck' on the lips in public...outwardly a yoghurt commercial family.

Whereas in realiity, the truth is completely different.

Perhaps I should simple 'use' her the way she 'uses' me....she's useful for going shopping, taking the dog to the vet, making sure the washing gets done etc.
Treat her as an employee...offer her a salary and 21 days leave a year..... hahahahaha!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Though to be fair, lots of people have no earthly clue about the time of others. It's not even mean spirited, it's like the world outside of the bag of broken gears inside their own heads doesn't exist. Other people and their schedules don't exist, so they don't matter. And they're blithely ignorant and indifferent about it. I can't tell you how many people I've come across couldn't be approximately on time to anything if their own lives really depended on it. "5 minutes" means "Leave me alone now". "20 minutes" means "When I get to it". "In a while" means "Never".


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your partner's needs don't matter to you, you have no business being married. You would be a liar when you said "I love you". You wouldn't be a spouse at all. You might have a roommate relationship. You might have a business arrangement. You might have a patient/caregiver relationship or a slave/slave holder relationship, but you wouldn't have a marriage or a love relationship.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

7737 said:


> Thank-you for your responses.
> 
> Maybe I am my own worst enemy.... maybe I should have gone and got her and told her that I 'want' her 'now'....
> The thing is, is that I have pride. I will not beg my wife for sex. In the past when I have come on to her I have been turned down with every excuse under the sun. It grinds you down, takes its toll on you and your self esteem.
> ...


I know exactly what you are saying. You get rejected over and over. If you initiate you are told you can never just hug. So when you give the hour long massage, you are scared to take it to the next level, because you may get shut down. You wait for them to take it to the next level and it doesn't happen.

I have learned that it is worth being rejected. I have to be direct. I have had the exact same thing happen to me. We are having a great night and I finally say I am going to bed and she says she will be right there. We both know it is heading towards sex. Then she doesn't show up. So I go get her. 

When I go get her and she rejects me, there is no way for her to later blame it on me.

I know I am putting myself out there. I understand the pride thing. But I find that the only way we are intimate is if I take the risk.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I would tell her to get a job outside of the home or she can work in the home taking care of you

Give her a taste of what she could be missing

Why wouldn't you divorce now and not after the windfall you seem to expect from your parents?

You don't think that she'll get some money out of your kids???


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"To me it showed that she had no interest in sex"

Sorry but I'd say she has no interest in you at this point


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Married&Confused said:


> what she is doing is showing you she is "interested" in having sex when she has no intention of doing so. and then the reason you don't have sex is YOUR fault.
> 
> not sure what you can do about it. maybe when she said "5 minutes", you could have said "let's go now" and see what her reaction would have been.


This is spot on. This allows her to pretend to be interested, but place the blame for not having it on you.

Next she says that, call her out on it. She said she wanted sex last night, you just say no you did not. If she presses, say that it was clearly less important than the television. Don't let her get away from those polite little lies. You do need to communicate more, and that includes being honest about how you feel.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Better question... And I'm on your side OP, trust me.

WHY are you trying to have sex with her in the first place?

From what you've described about how she has been with you in the past, I wouldn't be interested in her sexually in the slightest. I'd be looking for someone else, or, by your own plan, I'd be waiting until my kids turned 15/16 (like you said), masturbating furiously in the meantime until I left then.

She's gotta have no respect for you. Nevermind, it's a fact because she flaunts that fact to your face and insults you with it.

Two people in love are two people who can't keep their hands off each other... Just live your life man and let her fix things if she wants and if she doesn't who cares? You make it so you don't lose... You don't try to fix what the partner sabotages while mocking you. Two people fix **** or nobody fixes ****... IMO


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. She's a mind effer, eh?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, in a relationship, no one (man or woman) should have to beg for sex. It's demeaning, hurtful and very damaging to the person who is reduced to begging. If your wife isn't prepared to go for MC, you might have to consider whether or not you are prepared to continue with the relationship. Sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, but, IMO, it's the cement that holds it together.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Coffee Amore said:


> This is the woman who doesn't like to kiss and has never given you any oral, right?
> I'm sorry to say, but it sounds to me like she doesn't love you and is barely tolerating you. You sound like a martyr ("this is my cross to bear in life" type of thinking). That's sad.
> 
> Have you heard this?
> ...


When the sex is great, it's 5% of a relationship.
When the sex ISN'T great, it's 95% of a relationship."
OR
When there is no sex, it is 95% of the relationship


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

I think 7737 has the right idea. In a few years when his kids are old enough, kick the b!tch to the curb. 

There is no "manning up"
There is no communicating

He's tried counseling. She basically said screw this when she was called out. You can lead a horse to water. You cant make the nag drink.

Vent when you need it 77. Until then get a good masturbator I guess.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Why do I still want to make love to this woman? I don't want to make love to her but I do need/want sex. Getting it from her carries no 'moral' implications.

I am not prepared to be celibate....I think its very sad that a 46yr old married man has to masturbate to get sexual relief. 
The alternatives are to have a 'friend with benefits', have an affair or use the services of the 'oldest' profession in the world.

I know there are many of you out there who would say 'divorce before you are unfaithful'...'having an affair is wrong' etc. And I agree with you....
I made vows at the altar - I'm a believer but not religious - my head and heart keep on reminding me of the vows I made, but my body is craving sexual release.

One of you said that I should 'come on to her' more often because yes I will get more rejections but statistically I should also succeed more.
You know....although I want sex, I really don't think I could be @rsed to make the effort with her anymore.... It clearly means jack sh!t to her so why should I make the effort?

If you truly love someone you would do anything for them....even if you didnt really like it you'd do it for them...even take a bullet.

If my wife won't make the effort to do something for me maybe 1-2x a week, does she truly love me?

I think I have answered my own question.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

7737 said:


> If my wife won't make the effort to do something for me maybe 1-2x a week, does she truly love me?
> 
> I think I have answered my own question.


This is very important. Does she love you, versus, does she not understand your emotional need for sex? Keep in mind that your wife does not need sex from you to feel loved, therefore it is hard for her to empathize with your feelings. She does not connect sex to love the way you do. She may very well love you but does not comprehend that the way you would "feel" her love is through sex. On the flip side, is there some action your wife would want you to do, that you yourself do not connect in any way to love, but is exactly what she needs to feel loved by you?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

7737 said:


> Why do I still want to make love to this woman? I don't want to make love to her but I do need/want sex. Getting it from her carries no 'moral' implications.


And maybe she KNOWS this. Most women NEED to know they are not being used for sex, or they won't let themselves be put in the most vulnerable situation there is. 

"if she loved me, she would do it". Do you love HER? You are saying you just want sex from her. Sex killer in a marriage. Nobody wants to feel used. They want to feel loved.

If you are not able to do that, you really should consider moving on. It's not fair to her, or to you. It's cruel, actually.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

7737 said:


> Why do I still want to make love to this woman? I don't want to make love to her but I do need/want sex. Getting it from her carries no 'moral' implications.
> 
> I am not prepared to be celibate....I think its very sad that a 46yr old married man has to masturbate to get sexual relief.
> The alternatives are to have a 'friend with benefits', have an affair or use the services of the 'oldest' profession in the world.
> ...


I was in your situation. Ended up cheating on my wife. What I found is that it was the whole intimacy thing that I was missing, not just sex. It was then that I realized looking outside the marriage wasn't going to be enough, so I ended my marriage before my affairs came out. 

My advice... Just end it, if it's that bad. Do what you can to try to fix it, but if you can't, walk away with your integrity intact.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

deejov said:


> And maybe she KNOWS this. Most women NEED to know they are not being used for sex, or they won't let themselves be put in the most vulnerable situation there is.
> 
> "if she loved me, she would do it". Do you love HER? You are saying you just want sex from her. Sex killer in a marriage. Nobody wants to feel used. They want to feel loved.
> 
> If you are not able to do that, you really should consider moving on. It's not fair to her, or to you. It's cruel, actually.


so having someone commit their life to you and staying completely faithful and continuing to desire you physically and wanting to spend quality time with you is not enough to at least get some reciprocal effort?

a wife does not get sexually used by her committed and faithful husband.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I know exactly what you are saying. You get rejected over and over. If you initiate you are told you can never just hug. So when you give the hour long massage, you are scared to take it to the next level, because you may get shut down. You wait for them to take it to the next level and it doesn't happen.
> 
> I have learned that it is worth being rejected. I have to be direct. I have had the exact same thing happen to me. We are having a great night and I finally say I am going to bed and she says she will be right there. We both know it is heading towards sex. Then she doesn't show up. So I go get her.
> 
> ...


you make a lot of sense but there's a reason not a lot of people are in the sales business. they don't like and can't take the rejection. now if you are in sales and someone says no, they are saying no to your product. if you are looking for sex and they say no, they are saying no to you. 

at some point, you just give up.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Married&Confused said:


> you make a lot of sense but there's a reason not a lot of people are in the sales business. they don't like and can't take the rejection. now if you are in sales and someone says no, they are saying no to your product. if you are looking for sex and they say no, they are saying no to you.
> 
> at some point, you just give up.


I think this is what eventually happens. Especially if the times you aren't rejected doesn't give you back that loving feeling.

During everyday life, my wife hardly ever says, "I love you". She hardly ever gives compliments. She rarely initiates sex.

But when we do make love. When we are holding other after or even during. She is full of compliments and I love you's. She will then open up and tell me how much she appreciates all I do for her and the kids.

Even though I sometimes I have to virtually beg for the affection and get rejected and put off for a week or two at a time ...... when it happens, it is worth it!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Married&Confused said:


> you make a lot of sense but there's a reason not a lot of people are in the sales business. they don't like and can't take the rejection. now if you are in sales and someone says no, they are saying no to your product. if you are looking for sex and they say no, they are saying no to you.
> 
> at some point, you just give up.


Rejection is hard, but it is impossible not to at least potentially face it in life. You are hear, not your wife, so we can only give advice to you. Add to it that you can only change yourself, not her, and it is clear that your behavior is the only thing you can control. Does not make it easy, only pointing out the reality on the ground.

In connection with this, have you looked at the Married Man's Sex Life and No More Mr. Nice Guy books, as well as the Thermostat thread in the Men's club house. Some real good resources there on changing yourself for the better, as well as tips on things that might help with dealing with your wife. No magic pills or guarantee's but some ideas that probably can't hurt.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> so having someone commit their life to you and staying completely faithful and continuing to desire you physically and wanting to spend quality time with you is not enough to at least get some reciprocal effort?
> 
> a wife does not get sexually used by her committed and faithful husband.


From a woman's perspective:
"no moral obligations, it's just sex".

Try to understand that to a woman... this is the lowest, cheapest, thing a man can do to a woman. It's something you would do to someone you just met.. and won't see again.
Not someone you care about.

All the talk about sex is how we show we intimacy.
Not when you come right and say "it's just sex and she should give it up". 

Any woman with self respect will smell it a mile away, and avoid at all costs.

It's the same catch 22. Men want sex before love, women want the love before the sex.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Granted, there are men (and afew women!) who 'go out' for an evening and part of the evening 'fun' it to get laid. Pure sex.

However, in a relationship/marriage where the man gives the woman the 'love' that she craves (the massages, wining and dining, being 'looked after', told how good she looks, holding hands, cuddles etc) surely the man is quite entitled to the kind of 'love' he craves.....sex?

Other animals bond by mutual grooming etc, we humans bond through sex. 

Maybe I am asking too much of my wife?....perhaps I should only expect her to look through my hair and my body for some nice juicy fleas and bugs she can eat?....


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

7737 said:


> Maybe I am asking too much of my wife?....perhaps I should only expect her to look through my hair and my body for some nice juicy fleas and bugs she can eat?....


You appear to prefer whining to fixing the problem.

Good luck with that!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"If I have a headache, hers is worse....if my back is giving me hassle, so is hers only worse, if I have a tooth ache, she has two tooth aches and on it goes."

I think this would be a pretty common feature in most sexless marriages. Your needs (sexual or otherwise) take a back seat to her's. No empathy, no reciprocity, no compassion. Their spouse exists only to cater to their needs. I asked my wife once what I meant to her. She said "you're the only one who will do anything for me." For many of these LD types, I believe their focus never waivers off themselves.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

FormerNiceGuy - thank-you for your very constructive input...

Unbelievable - it never crossed my mind that 'competitiveness' was common in sexless marriages.
I wonder if anyone else has come across this...??

If I have a headache (or anything else) I no longer mention it. 
Though one day I'll catch her out;
"my left ball really aches..."
hahahahaha!


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

The next time she says she's horny and the cab's waiting, take her up on it.

(You wouldn't have to pay cabby any extra as she will bail the instant you take her offer seriously)


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

snap said:


> The next time she says she's horny....


I will have fallen through a black hole into another dimension where up is sideways and 2 + @ = purple.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't think of this as competitiveness. I think of it as a complete absence of empathy. It's not that she has to outdo him. It's that attending to his needs is beneath her. If he has a headache, she has to develop a brain tumor or else she'd be expected to actually show a little sympathy for his problem. She can't subborn herself to show service for her husband. Maybe it's a protective mechanism. If she really paid attention to her husband she would have to confront the reality that she has been abusing him by her neglect.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

7737 said:


> FormerNiceGuy - thank-you for your very constructive input...\


You are welcome. Read the book and then you will genuinely thank me.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I've been on the other side of 7737's situation. I'm the one who will tell my wife I'll be up in five minutes and then be on the computer until two in the morning. I've even used the excuse that I was going to have sex with her until I saw she was asleep. I'm trying to correct that behavior now with varying degrees of success.

I can confidently say this not a sadism but selfishness. People like your wife and I have every intention of being right up and tell ourselves that we'll turn the TV off after the next commercial or after we check one more news site.

Unfortunately, I can't give any advice here because the primary reason I changed was because I realized how much my behavior was hurting my wife. I'm afraid that until you can make her truly understand what she's doing to you, I don't know if anything else will work.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

7737,

I know you've heard this before but you have to stop with the back-rubs, winig and dining, compliments, holding hands, cuddling etc.

Basically, you continue to give her everything she wants without her reciprecating the ONE thing you want!

I'd tell her that since she's not interested in sex with you, she doesn't have to have sex with you. However, since you still want sex, you'll be persuing opportunities outside the marriage to get it. Would she prefer that you use professionals?

Let her know not to worry. You don't intend to divorce her over this so she'll be able to stay in the house and get all those things that she likes like the hand holding and bck rubs

Tell her it will be a Win/Win for both of you!


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Lots of people in this thread have taken the position that he's not aggressive enough, and he should practically pick up his wife by her hair, drag her the bedroom like a caveman, and have his way with her.

Why should he do that???

What these people fail to understand that part of the desire to have sex with someone is the knowledge that they have the desire to have sex with you as well! If he's anything like me, he's not turned on by the idea of raping someone, and for the same reason, he's probably not turned on by the idea of porking his cold fish wife!

Sex is not just a physical act. Why don't people understand this? Why _should_ he want to have sex with her after she treats him this way? It sounds like having sex with this woman is about the same as doing it with a life-sized latex doll.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

toffer said:


> i'd tell her that since she's not interested in sex with you, she doesn't have to have sex with you. However, since you still want sex, you'll be persuing opportunities outside the marriage to get it. Would she prefer that you use professionals?
> 
> Let her know not to worry. You don't intend to divorce her over this so she'll be able to stay in the house and get all those things that she likes like the hand holding and bck rubs
> 
> tell her it will be a win/win for both of you!


This. Do it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

intrigid said:


> Lots of people in this thread have taken the position that he's not aggressive enough, and he should practically pick up his wife by her hair, drag her the bedroom like a caveman, and have his way with her.
> 
> Why should he do that???
> 
> ...


While all true, it ignores that many women want and need to feel pursued and desired. A man being aggressive and wanting them is a huge turn-on. So as a man, it is incumbant on us to be more aggressive and assertive with our wife. It is not about raping her, but rather about showing how much we desire her.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Tall - been there, done that, got the rejection t-shirt!

My counselor keeps on telling me that I should simply lower my expectations and just accept the way she is....that I can't change her.

I am type 2 diabetic....I finished my medications yesterday morning and mentioned that I must rememeber to get more during the day. Wife said 'don't worry, I'll get them for you'.....I reminded her again mid afternoon. 7.40pm last night she comes up to me 'Sorry I forgot to get your pills'..... I put dinner on hold and had to drive a 15 mile round trip to go to a late night chemist. She has forgotten before....Now I know...I can't rely on her.

We all have responsibilities in life.....forgetting to buy milk is one thing, forgetting to buy diabetic medications is completely different....its not 'forgetful' its negligent.

We live in a country with erratic water supply, erratic electricity supply....I make sure we have adequate water storage, generator (filled with diesel), cars insured, etc etc.

She has to take her responsibilities as a human being, wife and mother seriously.

Sorry guys...but I felt very let down and mighty pi$$ed off last night!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

7737 said:


> My counselor keeps on telling me that I should simply lower my expectations and just accept the way she is....that I can't change her.


That is possibly the worst advice I have ever seen.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

7737 said:


> Tall - been there, done that, got the rejection t-shirt!
> 
> My counselor keeps on telling me that I should simply lower my expectations and just accept the way she is....that I can't change her.
> 
> ...


I'm not picking on you... but... as a type 1 diabetic, not having insulin means dying. I learned a long time ago that IM the one that is diabetic, and I have to take responsibility for my own health. 

And I get HURT big time when my H does not support my condition. So I see both sides of the fence here, and have to remind myself that it's not HIS disease. I can't expect someone who doesn't have it to understand that it never ever goes away and the challenges of control can't be dropped because life gets too busy. I only control ME. Take care of ME first. Then I will able to function and take care of those I love.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Hicks.....to clarify....briefly...My wife used to go to the same counsellor. We used to have 3 individual sessions and one joint a month. We were given 'work' to do...my wife never did it....and when the subject of sex in marriage started being discussed my wife stopped going.
The counsellor 'knows' my wife. 

Basically she is saying that my wife is not going to change...she is not going to suddenly wake up and realise that being a human, wife and mother comes with responsibilities. 
She will not suddenly realise the importance of sex in a marriage, accepting that if she says she will get my medication then she should do it.

If I want something done or got, and its important, then the only sure fire way of getting it done is to do it myself.

So I must simply accept that my wife cannot be relied upon. I can't change her but I can change me...


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Deejov - I'm type 2 and insulin dependent. I know only too well how important insulin is to me, so I sort that myself, and NO ONE touches my insulin or pen! (my interfering mother in law once put all my vials in the freezer when she was staying with us!! Yes she got grief!)

The tablets my wife was getting were things like Metformin etc. Still important but not quite as vital as insulin!

All my wifes 'forgetfulness' taught me yeaterday was that I cannot rely on her atall. Even when she offers, as she did yesterday....no thanks, I'll sort it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The advice from your therapist is lacking. It's a cliche...A little more meat would be good, such as:

You can change yourself so she is motivated to be a decent wife.
You can change your marriage so that the "norm" is two people trying to make each other's lives better.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Hicks said:


> The advice from your therapist is lacking. It's a cliche...A little more meat would be good, such as:
> 
> You can change yourself so she is motivated to be a decent wife.
> You can change your marriage so that the "norm" is two people trying to make each other's lives better.


I agree on changing yourself as a potential motivator for your wife. 

I not as sure how to change your marriage as mentioned above. Perhaps it is just semantics, but you can't change how your wife approaches marriage. You can change your approach, and set boundaries on the type of behavior you will tolerate and accept. While that will change the marriage dynamics, it will not guarantee that she will join in that change for the better.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

One can only motivate adults who are receptive to motivation. I don't hire slugs and try to teach them decent work ethics and honorable character traits. I try to hire folks who have decent work ethics and honorable character traits. It's the job of her parents to teach her empathy, compassion, dedication, honesty, etc, etc. I got no time to be teaching basic values to an adult. Character is essentially formed by age 5. You can't build a house and then try to fix the ground it stands upon. I can try to avoid doing things that would tend to demotivate my wife but either she is someone who works hard to keep her promises or she's not. She's either self-serving or she isn't. I'm happy to share a life with a human being but It's not my job to raise my wife. If she didn't show up at the wedding ceremony with essential life skills in her suitcase, I need to kick her back to her parents. If she needs a reason to be a good wife, how about "cause you said you would". If she needs a reason to have sex with her husband, how about "because that's the promise you made". Nobody has to cajole me or blow powder sugar up my wazoo daily to get me to fulfill my obligations or to behave as a decent human being. The time to figure out whether you want to be married or not is before you accept the proposal and exchange vows. Would her baby have to give her reasons to act like a mother every day? My dog doesn't have to give me reasons to act like a pet owner. I'm not dragging someone into the future kicking and screaming the whole way.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

7737 said:


> Why do I still want to make love to this woman? I don't want to make love to her but I do need/want sex. Getting it from her carries no 'moral' implications.


Ouch. I am going to get blasted for this but let me tell you what I see. 

From what you say, You want to have sex with her for release not because you love her? If so, not many women like that they feel used. 

You said that you had sex 3 time a week and she did not enjoy it? Were you making love or getting release at that time. # time a week for so many years is a long time to do something you don't like. 

How did you manage to continue knowing that she did not enjoy it? It is interesting you had kids anyway. You took a risk that she would stop doing something she did not like with the security of kids. 

Could be she felt that she was being used for sexual release and built up resentment. Giving you a hard time now may be a way few her to take back control. 

She probably knows you want sex for your release and not because you love her. She probably sees every thing you provide for her as a bid for sexual release. 

If she does not like sex and never has you say she should do it out of love? But you don't want sex with her out of love so can you say how she should do something that you yourself apparently don't do? 

I don't mean to incite a riot. I just want to point out the attitudes I see that may work against you relationship with your wife. You don't love her and you feel you are giving more than she gives. 

If it has gotten to the point that you don't love her maybe you should divorce and make part of agreement that she must live in the vicinity so that you have shared custody to you kids. 

Take away the passport and put you kids on a list making it difficult for her to get a passport for them. Maybe you can be the custodial parent. There are many ways out of this. 

Does what I said make you see things in a different way or am I way off base.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I not as sure how to change your marriage as mentioned above. Perhaps it is just semantics, but you can't change how your wife approaches marriage. You can change your approach, and set boundaries on the type of behavior you will tolerate and accept. While that will change the marriage dynamics, it will not guarantee that she will join in that change for the better.


Very few marriages involve each partner conscously trying to make the other person's life better. Very few. I think that men who's marriages are not that great should lead by example as a first step in fixing things. After leading by example, if the wife never responds in a positive way, he can reasses.. I don't think that people are prewired to be good marital partners. I think it's like anything else you have to learn how to do this through education and focus.


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## Seawolf (Oct 10, 2011)

7737, my God man you need to grow a pair! I have no idea how you've gotten this far in life without understanding non-verbal communication, but let me translate for you. Your wife, for whatever reason doesn't want to tell you directly that you're not man enough for her so she is trying to force you into acting this way by denying you sex until you man up enough to demand it. Allow me to illustrate how this works. Just the other day I sent mrs. Sea wolf a text that left no doubts about my intentions for a little horizontal exercise
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

7737 said:


> Why do I still want to make love to this woman? I don't want to make love to her but I do need/want sex. Getting it from her carries no 'moral' implications.


And perhaps she knows this... 



7737 said:


> If my wife won't make the effort to do something for me maybe 1-2x a week, does she truly love me?


The question is, do _you_ truly love _her_?

You mentioned that she didn't used to enjoy sex with you. Did you both try to address this problem? No one is going to want to continue have sex for years on end if they're not getting anything out of it.


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## Seawolf (Oct 10, 2011)

Oops, hit return!

Anyway, later when we went to bed she hops in, pjs on covers pulled up and acts like she is going to sleep.

Really?

I, of course will have none of this, and let her know it, so she then moves over and starts to give me a BJ. Again, really? In very clear, but friendly terms I told her to get out of bed, take her clothes off an get ready for the real thiang. Well guess what, suddenly she has a big smile on her face, hops out of bed ans gives me a little strip tease. I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

Next day, I'm at work and I get a text telling me how hot the previous night was. Last night she's all grabby and smiley. Why, cuz her man knows what he wants, and makes it happen to both partners benefit. Now nobody can force you to change grasshopper, but if you don't snatch the pebble from my hand, somebody is going to snatch your wife from yours
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Hicks said:


> The advice from your therapist is lacking. It's a cliche...A little more meat would be good, such as:
> 
> You can change yourself so she is motivated to be a decent wife.
> You can change your marriage so that the "norm" is two people trying to make each other's lives better.


The therapist's advice was fine. Your advice is what's cliche and lacking.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> From what you say, You want to have sex with her for release not because you love her? If so, not many women like that they feel used.


The way I see it, a spouse is allowed to choose up to *one* of the following emotions:

- "All he seems to want is to have sex with me. I feel used."
- "All he seems to want is to have sex with someone else. I feel betrayed."

There are plenty of women who think they're entitled to wallow in both those emotions. Those women are what I like to call *psychotic*. What matters to them is that their spouse is as miserable as they are.



The rest of your post seems to be a rather pathetic attempt to justify what is nothing more than extreme self-centered behavior.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Seawolf said:


> Oops, hit return!
> 
> Anyway, later when we went to bed she hops in, pjs on covers pulled up and acts like she is going to sleep.
> 
> ...


I think this is a great post and there's a goldmine of wisdom to be mined from it. However, I don't think this advice is really ideal when we're talking about women, such as his wife, who (frankly) *don't deserve* to get laid.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Ouch. I am going to get blasted for this but let me tell you what I see.
> 
> From what you say, You want to have sex with her for release not because you love her? If so, not many women like that they feel used.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I thought the same thing.


There is a lot of good advice in this thread, but I also keep thinking that the OP has also stated that he plans on leaving when the kids are bit older.

It appears to read that his wife is not trying.
But OP... you are planning to leave.
So are you really willing to work on the marriage, or just looking for ways to get more sex until the kids are old enough?
Just wanting some solid direction. Thanks.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

7737 said:


> Why do I still want to make love to this woman? I don't want to make love to her but I do need/want sex. Getting it from her carries no 'moral' implications.
> 
> I am not prepared to be celibate....I think its very sad that a 46yr old married man has to masturbate to get sexual relief.
> The alternatives are to have a 'friend with benefits', have an affair or use the services of the 'oldest' profession in the world.
> ...


Sounds like a two-way street here - I'm questioning whether either of you has any love for the other.

What woman would want to have sex with a man who patently doesn't love her -- who would only want release from her and that's it? Most women won't want to go down that path very long, and perhaps that it where your wife is at right now.

If you're honest with yourself and truly believe that release is the only thing you need, then you can easily do that yourself. What both of you are missing is the intimacy and humanity of each other - that doesn't come from using someone to simply release in to.

There's a long road ahead ... of both of you being willing to let go of your resentments and bitterness and being willing to work together. Otherwise, you are just postponing the inevitable. Best of luck on your journey.

Best wishes.


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## marriedwithkids1 (Nov 10, 2010)

Don't know much about you but, seems like you are hinting too much. Yes perhaps she is a sadistic *****..not enough info.

Have you tried the direct approach. i hate when my H rubs my back or does something nice so we can have sex. I think it is better that he be a man and take charge. Perhaps you have done this in the past. What if you were to pay the taxi to wait and have a quickie?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Wylie Coyote has tried many approaches with predictable results. The next thousand attempts are also likely to end with poor Wylie whistling down into the canyon with a boulder falling on him. When confronted by a zombie, one can argue that zombies are unfair or cruel. One can try a thousand different ways to please a zombie into becoming a live human being. One can try to learn to like living with a zombie. Finally, one can concentrate on saving himself from the zombie. The latter course is the one most likely to be effective.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

But it's unfair to the zombie since he is planning to leave the zombie... Poor zombie, why should the zombie change having to deal with this?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

intrigid said:


> The way I see it, a spouse is allowed to choose up to *one* of the following emotions:
> 
> - "All he seems to want is to have sex with me. I feel used."
> - "All he seems to want is to have sex with someone else. I feel betrayed."
> ...


I am relived that you have neither the power nor the intellectual acuity to limit the choices of any human being and to diagnose psychopathy. 


You might benefit by considering the following: perhaps she feels that she need not provide a man who does not love her with sex. 

She seems to have put the value of his wealth where it belongs. In the confines of what should be a loving relationship, it is not worth much.

The wealthy often think they are entitled to high quality service just because they have money. In this case, he thinks that he has not gotten his money's worth. Sexual release in exchange for being a wealthy man. 

He does not love her and she apparently does not care too much for him, for all his wealth. 

I think under the circumstances, they have three viable choices; a. live with it, b. cheat or d. divorce. They both chose a and to be miserable.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Hi...been offline for afew days! 

Ummmm......Yes I love my wife but (the old cliche)...I really dont think I am IN LOVE with her. Over the years there has been too many rejections, too much co-dependency, too much competition and bean counting. 
Her - '...but only if you tickle my back'...'why should I have sex with you if I'm not interested?' (ie sex is only on HER terms)...'if you buy new glasses (eye wear) then so am I'... and on it goes.

Yesterday morning I was putting my last capsule of insulin in my injector pen...'******...its my last one, I must remember to get some more today'....my wife was standing right opposite me...'Get more what?'...
She saw what I was doing...so what did she think I needed to get more of? Bananas??!!

On one occasion we were driving along a very straight road....you could see for miles.....in the distance were 3-4 cars stopped and a helicopter landed on the road...
Me - 'Wow! Look at that. I wonder whats happened'
Her - 'What? Where?'
I pointed to the helicopter....'Why didnt you tell me?'
You expect to see cars, trucks etc on a road, NOT a helicopter!
She doesnt appear able to look at a scene and compute what is that scene is out of place....
In a school play ground children playing is normal for that scene...a giraffe in the playground isn't normal for that scene!

Its as if the lights are on but there's no one in!

At the moment, because of my commitment to our children, I choose to live with 'it' and her.....though if I was in a 'situation' and a female come 'on' to me, I'm not sure that my 'resistance' would be quite as strong as it was say 10 years ago!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

She is perceptive enough to deny you the use of her goodies for your sexual "relief". She has enough dignity and self respect to not be a substitute for your hand. So who is the smart one? 

Not only do you not love her, you don't respect her, and you are contemptuous, supercilious without reason. Your problem is that you have not earned her love. 

You seem to think you are such a great catch that you are entitled to adoration. If you are so much more decreeing than your wife, why has it not dawned on you that you have to work at your relationships? 

Your worth is not based on your perception of yourself so much as the outer reaction to you. You get the love you give. 

I think you just need to use your hand and work on your attitude. 

The happy relationship you envision when you leave this one will elude you if you continue to be a user. You will get used and denied. 

Women are not made to serve you. That attitude has not worked has it? 

You point your finger at your wife for being empty headed - have you taken a look at the cavern in your own head.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

7737, I have one question:

How important is it to your wife NOT be seen as "the bad one" in any given situation. I.e. does she rewrite history on the spot, no matter how mundane the event, in order to make sure everyone knows that she is not possibly at fault, or the one being bad?


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Catherine - I am not perfect by a long chalk. But I accept my responsibilities in life as a human, a husband and a father. There are things I don't always like or have the time to do (like checking up on my elderly parents...inviting them for dinner a couple of times a month etc)....but I do them because of responsibility. 

At the beginning of this post I said that I massaged my wifes neck and shoulders whilst we watched a film....there was 'nothing' (and nor did I expect anything...I did it for HER) in it for me but she enjoyed it. It would be nice if, occassionally, she did something purely for me...something that I didnt have to ask for, hint at or beg for. Something that I like. In marriage there should be such a thing as a free lunch! 
If I asked my wife to say massage my head, she would but afterwards say 'now you do mine'. I have stopped asking her for anything because it always comes at a 'price'.

About 18 months ago our sex life improved for some reason....from sex once a month to maybe 6x a month....we certainly bonded more and I certainly felt emotionally closer to her. It lasted afew months then it returned to the rejections, 'all you want is sex' comments etc. I began to feel less connected to her, more resentful etc.
She simply doesn't seem to feel these things. 
If she doesnt want to do something, she simply won't do it. If she doesn't want sex, thats it it won't happen. 
If the children want to go 10 pin bowling or swimming and she doesn't, they don't go. 
Last Christmas Eve we were invited to my parents for dinner....she didn't want to go, so stayed at home...the children and I went. I tried explaining that it was inpolite etc but her reply was simply 'I don't do things I dont want to do...'.

So be it sex with me, taking the children swimming (I work 6 days a week), family 'duty' commitments....all mean absolutely nothing to her.


Anubis - nothing is ever her fault. If I ask her (and she accepts) to book 'X' restaurant for dinner on 'y'...she forgets then tells me its my fault because I didn't remind her....or she hasn't done it because I didnt give her the telephone number. (she could have looked it up).
She is very passive aggressive. 
She simply cannot say 'Sh!t! I'm sorry, I completely forgot...let me do it now'....neither can she think out of the box. If she were to come up against a brick wall that she couldn't get over, that would be the end of it...she wouldn't think 'umm...I wonder if I can go round it?'.....


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> She is perceptive enough to deny you the use of her goodies for your sexual "relief". She has enough dignity and self respect to not be a substitute for your hand. So who is the smart one?
> 
> Not only do you not love her, you don't respect her, and you are contemptuous, supercilious without reason. Your problem is that you have not earned her love.
> 
> ...


Reeks of misandry Catherine. Your posts take the woman side most of the times without considering the context. Are you a feminist?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

warlock07 said:


> Reeks of misandry Catherine. Your posts take the woman side most of the times without considering the context. Are you a feminist?


Are you a fair minded man? Can you see both sides of an issue? If you can't, why expect me a lowly hateful female to do it. Why don't you show me how instead of bowing out in defeat. 

Calling me a feminist is the latest code for - I have no cogent response and I am angry about it. That is not my fault. Think, instead of cluttering your head with labels for women. 

Maybe you didn't comprehend his post - it was contemptuous of a woman he expects to have sex with. He claimed not to love her, plans to cheat, wants to use her for sex and he thinks she is stupid. 

I think she is smart not to have sex with him. Why should she? Under any circumstances, a woman should not allow her body to be used, married or not. Is that feminism or a sense of ones value? Is she required to become a decerebrate set of body parts to please her husband? Why? 

Did you know that contempt is one of the best predictors of relationship failure and divorce. They seem to be headed in that direction. It may be a lot sooner than he plans. 

She is not here to tell what is going on. Her story may be quiet different. She takes 50% of the blame and he takes the rest. 

Unlike you, I think this is fixable with hard work. Someone has to break the logjam. He is here so I assume he is motivated to try. 

Agreeing with him that his wife is all wrong and should have sex with him no matter what he thinks of her does not help. He already tried that and it's not working.

He can try to find the love he had for his wife, along with some respect and compassion. It will be hard at first but her response may be encouraging. 

He can drop the contempt and feelings of superiority. He married her knowing that he had an intellect superior to hers and now he takes cheep shots at her? 

He can admit his part in the disconnect. He needs to admit that he may have married her because he was insecure and needed someone who was obviously not his match to feel like he measured up. Making disparaging statement about this woman married, what does that say about him? 

He can appreciate her guilelessness and ability to ask him about what she does not know. He should be pleased that she respects his knowledge enough to depend on him for information. Instead he makes fun. Is that OK? 

Maybe he should consider that each on of us has nothing to do with the level of our native intellect - some have more others less. Humble people know that and have the good grace to be quick to share what they know. 

In short, he does not respect her and she does not respect him. How they got there only they know. I believe he knows but he may be looking for a quick fix. He does have the superior intellect or that is his claim. If so, he has then he has the tools to Captain the family ship and lead. Or he can be righteous. His choice.


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