# What do I do now?



## AlbinoLion (Mar 16, 2015)

We’ve been married for almost 8 years and have one five-year-old child. We are both retired from the military, (44 years combined) my wife has decided to take an undetermined amount of time away from employment and for the past 8 months. Other than getting our child ready for school, helping him with his homework and fixing the occasional meal she basically does as she pleases. As for me, I work typically from 9 a.m. until around 5:30, sometimes later. 

Before marriage our sex life was in my opinion hit or miss. My wife, who is about 3 years younger than me, was more experienced in sex. In the beginning she didn’t like sex with me, however although outspoken regarding many other things she never told me directly that she didn’t like sex with me. I had to learn this from an aunt she at one time routinely confided in. We had discussed on several occasions a routine of sex three times per month, but are back to where we started.

Up until this time I was fairly confident in my sexual prowess, I had been previously married for 13 years and before that had my fair share of sexual encounters with little to no complaints. Sex in our relationship is extremely important to me, I’ve made numerous attempts to open dialogue between the two of us regarding things I could do to improve our sex life. Each attempt I was practically shut down and left to wonder what I could do to make things better. Over time I expressed the importance of sex was in our relationship and that I was never too proud to be criticized in an effort to make things better in bed.

As I began to dissect what I believe I knew I discovered a few things which remain so today:

1.	I am typically the only one who expresses love either by a kiss or simply saying it. If my memory serves me correctly, I can count on one hand how many times she’s initiated a simple kiss. 
2.	I am the one who always initiates sex, nothing fancy about it. The majority of the time I have to wrestle her panties off and take if from there. 
3.	90% of the time I engage in oral with zero reciprocation, we’ve discussed this and she acknowledges it but no action.
4.	No passion or romance between the two of us.

Regarding my sexually performance, my wife has shared that things have improved vastly. We have a decent collection of “marital aids” that I’ve incorporated in our bedroom activities. Through vast amounts of pouring over various sexual aid websites and experimenting to see what she likes we’ve gone from one orgasm to multiples. I also treat each and every one of our intimate moments as though it is our last.

Our sexual activity ranges from one to three times per month. This just isn’t working out for me. We both masturbate, I almost 3 to 4 times per week and from time to time she’ll tell me she’s masturbated while I was either at work or another part of the house. Last night my wife lay in the bed playing a game on her iPad until some time after 2 a.m. I’ve told her on a couple of occasions that I’ve considered cheating in efforts to find someone who can cover my sexual needs. Very recently she shared with a group of couples that she feels secure that I’ll never cheat on her. She’s also said in the past that her level of sexual desire is predicated on the activities I have with our son. 

She’s very affectionate with our son, kisses him and expresses how much she loves him. I’ve told her that an occasional kiss or hear her say that she loves me would mean the world to me, nothing has changed. She in fact was recently very upset and gave me an earful because she felt I played with him a little too roughly. Her point was subconsciously I was trying to hurt him because I knew she loved him more than she loves me. So for now, no more boxing, playing ninja or wrestling, but this is all for a different post.
I don’t bring up sex very often, she says I talk about it too much but tonight I’ve got to express to her that our lack of bedroom activity just isn’t working for me. I’ve done all I can think of to do, nothing has improved. Although emotionally I feel as though I'm in a one-sided relationship I honestly really do love my wife, but am seriously perplexed with what to do here. Outside of counseling I'm not too sure of what's next.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good morning Albino Lion

First of all you are not alone, your story could also mirror mine, however I expect that I am older than you. Try counselling by all means, but be prepared if your wife will not go to go alone. In this case, I made various discoveries, you find out that it is not you, it is the other party.

Take Care


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You're about 40, your wife about 37, you have a 5 son year old together, you had a previous marriage that lasted 13 years, your work full time your wife does not, you're both retired from the military.

Those are the facts. Now for perceptions.
You feel unloved because your wife is not affectionate in word or deed, doesn't want to have sex with you, doesn't communicate what she desires bu only what she doesn't want, and even went to a family member and complained about your love making skills.

You feel that you have done quite a bit to improve your marriage and make your wife happy and have listed articles you've read, techniques you've learned, toys you've purchased and the trial and error method of discovering what works and what doesn't for your wife.

You feel misunderstood because your wife has accused you of being jealous of the love she has for your son but not for you as evidenced by your "excessive" rough housing.

You feel frustrated because you would very much like to have sex more frequently and have tried many things to increase your wife's sex drive, including spending more time with your son as she suggested, but nothing has worked.

I don't know whether men don't notice their relationship is headed to trouble until the sex becomes an issue, or they don't seek help until the trouble affects their sex life.

If what I have written above encapsulating the points you've made about your marriage, do you see a woman who has any respect for her husband? This isn't so much about love or lack of love, this is about respect. While you jump through hoops to make everything right, in order to have sex, she doesn't want sex because your jumping through hoops.

I'm not suggesting you turn into a douche bag. I am suggesting you stop playing her games and start insisting on honesty and respect from her.

Get this book 5 love Languages. Explain to your wife that the way the marriage is going now, is unsustainable. Give her a clear example of what you envision for your marriage, respect, affection, humor, sex... Then tell her you insist that she engage in making this marriage better or you will walk. Whether you threaten her with walking away or not is up to you...

Threatening to have an affair without benefit of FIRST insisting the marriage be put on life support is putting the cart before the horse. Although I can certainly see how it might wake her up, it will probably make her too angry to do you any good.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's not affectionate or sexual with you. She doesn't work but you do. Doesn't take a genius to figure out what she values in this relationship. You are a source of income and you offer her a permanent vacation. You can either accept being an ATM machine or you can make other arrangements. Her indifference to sex existed before the marriage, so she didn't marry you because you blew her skirt up. I expect that in her mind, she can stay married to you or she can get a job and who wouldn't like a permanent vacation with a reliable source of income?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> She's not affectionate or sexual with you. She doesn't work but you do. Doesn't take a genius to figure out what she values in this relationship. You are a source of income and you offer her a permanent vacation. You can either accept being an ATM machine or you can make other arrangements. Her indifference to sex existed before the marriage, so she didn't marry you because you blew her skirt up. I expect that in her mind, she can stay married to you or she can get a job and who wouldn't like a permanent vacation with a reliable source of income?


Bold talk for a guy in a worse marrital state who won't do anything about it.

I'm not singling you out for any reason other than the fact that you have a habit of ascribing nefarious intent on the part of sex denying wives yet see no nefarious intent in your wife and instead excuse her behavior on the basis of her depression.

It is rarely ever the case that a woman decides to stay because she likes to and intends to keep taking her H for granted. Though that certainly is an ingredient, my belief is that she isn't fully aware that her behavior is that appallingly one sided.

Unbelievable, i completely understand why you are so bitter. What I don't understand is why you insist on remaining in a bitter state.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Mine has no job, no income, and legitimate mental health issues beyond her control. Who should support her? If the OP's wife is disabled, I might have other advise for him. I made a promise that involved "in sickness and in health, better or worse, etc". Doing my best to keep it. Doesn't mean it's fun.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Mine has no job, no income, and legitimate mental health issues beyond her control. Who should support her? If the OP's wife is disabled, I might have other advise for him. I made a promise that involved "in sickness and in health, better or worse, etc". Doing my best to keep it. Doesn't mean it's fun.


While I think your steadfastness is admirable, I think you are giving yourself and by extension your wife an excuse that you do not give to others.

Yes, a legitimate mental health issue, however, curing depression takes effort while depression zaps effort. You are therefore in a downward spiral that will never end. Only when you can force your wife to find help, work the help and commit to better health will she ever DO those things. (Meds alone will never cure a disabling depression, you know this.) You are enabling your wife while you ascribe nefarious intent on other women. Is your wife immune to nefarious intent or perhaps, maybe, other women are not as intentional as you would like to believe?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

For what it's worth, since our children have reached the teenage years and want nothing to do with their parents, sex has been great!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Giving up: 40% women, 28% men, 39% youth don't want a job | WashingtonExaminer.com

Whether my wife has nefarious intent or not, the simple fact is that 40% of American women don't want to work. About 20% of marriages are sexless, so the odds aren't wonderful that exiting this arrangement and finding another would improve things. Might as well find something you can live with.

Giving up: 40% women, 28% men, 39% youth don't want a job | WashingtonExaminer.com


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Giving up: 40% women, 28% men, 39% youth don't want a job | WashingtonExaminer.com
> 
> Whether my wife has nefarious intent or not, the simple fact is that 40% of American women don't want to work. About 20% of marriages are sexless, so the odds aren't wonderful that exiting this arrangement and finding another would improve things. Might as well find something you can live with.
> 
> Giving up: 40% women, 28% men, 39% youth don't want a job | WashingtonExaminer.com



That also means that 60% of American women do want to work and 80% of American women enjoy their active sex lives.

Odds are, you are willingly accepting the unacceptable while you make disparaging comments about other Mens wives.

That's my point, unbelievable. The anger you have for your wife is driven underground until you can unleash it on other women. So many of your posts do this and I happen to believe, as unbelievable as that may sound, that your attitude toward women is cause by your wife and I for one am sick of all women being lumped into the mess that your wife presents.


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## RespectWalk (Mar 16, 2015)

Dude, you're being a full-on beta male so she views you as weak and not worthy of respect. If you do want to save this then you have to step up, man up, and re-take control of your own castle. All castles can only have 1 king, and that's supposed to be you. No more whining or being her doormat. You're too good for that (or you should be).


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

RespectWalk said:


> Dude, you're being a full-on beta male so she views you as weak and not worthy of respect. If you do want to save this then you have to step up, man up, and re-take control of your own castle. All castles can only have 1 king, and that's supposed to be you. No more whining or being her doormat. You're too good for that (or you should be).


Sometimes I agree with this angle. In this case, I do not (at least given what OP has written).

I'm not sure what's beta about being the only working person in the house and providing for the 3 of them. I'm not sure what's beta about communicating with his wife that he requires more attention, including sexual. Is he just supposed to take her? He's not giving off the notion that she's open to that.

What I see here, again, given what OP has written, is the ol' "she's just not that into you" thing. Which is exactly where one doesn't want to be, yet it happens.

At one point in her life, perhaps, he was the right guy for her, for whatever reason. Sexual attraction doesn't always play into that. Maybe it's a simple as she had dated a bunch of jerks prior to him coming along, and hey, he's not a jerk, he treats me right, "he's what I need". Then reality sets in, and the veil is lifted, and she's several years into it before she realizes he's not her type. It's sh***y, but it's rarely done on purpose.

First things first, for whatever reason (OP didn't specify, and I wish he would) his wife isn't satisfied sexually with him. Is it because she doesn't view him in that way? Is it because he doesn't do it the way she likes it? Is it lack of communication? The reasons why matter, and can all speak to different things. Some of them that have nothing to do with him, his prowess, or his penis, and some of them that have everything to do with one or all of those. The fact that his wife has made a point of talking about her lack of satisfaction with him, without him knowing, is HUGE. I mean, why tell anybody else something like that? THEY can't fix it.

Again, with little information to go on, my first thought is that it's just a general incompatibility issue at play here. He may be handsome, make good money, be a good husband and father, and everything else people supposedly want, but often those things don't create attraction, especially sexual. You either have chemistry, or you don't, it's very difficult to create. It can be done, but obviously both parties need to want to do it.

Regardless, being an alpha male isn't always the best course of action. If you, OP, are being your definition of a good husband, a loving husband, a good partner, father, etc., then don't change. Unless she verbally requests something that you are willing and able to do and that isn't unreasonable. If she doesn't like/respect/is attracted to the best you that you can be, then it's on her to tell you what's missing.

You can't force somebody to be attracted to you, nor can you play the guessing game.


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> That also means that 60% of American women do want to work and 80% of American women enjoy their active sex lives.


Those numbers are not right. 20% of marriages are sexless does not equate to 80% married females enjoy sex. 20% is very rough guess at best. Nobody knows the real number! 43% of America women are consider sexually dysfunctional. 43% are not have fun married or not.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There is no real mystery here and whatever is happening in my relationship is irrelevant. The woman has been tardy with sex since before the marriage. She isn't a sexual partner. She's also not a financial partner. What is she? She's getting something out of this relationship or she wouldn't be in it. The obvious thing she's getting is an income that far exceeds her retirement. Certainly wouldn't be the first time a woman got married for financial security.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

75% Of Women Would Not Marry Someone Who Was Unemployed | YourTango


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## AlbinoLion (Mar 16, 2015)

alexm said:


> I'm not sure what's beta about being the only working person in the house and providing for the 3 of them. I'm not sure what's beta about communicating with his wife that he requires more attention, including sexual.
> 
> What I see here, again, given what OP has written, is the ol' "she's just not that into you" thing. Which is exactly where one doesn't want to be, yet it happens.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Nice response, made me really think. Early on she did express that it wasn't me but rather her. She's also said she wasn't sexual attracted to me but would work on it, (not sure what that means). Up until this time I had never had my sexual prowess tested, so I went to work to figure out how to crack this nut, (excuse the pun). About six months or so later I began to come up with the winning formula, I was started to get a few compliments from her which I began to build upon. My thinking was, well okay if she likes it like this then how about this? I found myself on the right path, however I believe that I came to the conclusion that she doesn't know what she wants. If she doesn't know what she wants how is she going to tell me what she wants. Was it up to me to figure it out? No matter how often I asked she was never forth coming with what she wanted from me, so the "alpha male" in me took over. 

What I believe I'm dealing with overall is just as a few of you suggested; a selfish woman who lacks respect for me. We are supposed to be seeing a MC soon. We'll see...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Has she given you indication that she's interested in sex with other men? If not, maybe she just doesn't have much interest in sex. The "I'll work on it" probably means, "don't bug me about sex". How does being sexless adversely effect her? You get to go to work every day and she gets permanent vacation. Figure out what she values in the relationship and link that to her performance.


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## Hot Dog (Mar 17, 2015)

You have failed every $hit test she ever gave you. Look up $hit test and learn to slap then down like a champ. 

Do a 180, get a life (same thing), challenge the balance of power by getting your balls back, and strongly consider moving out. 

Your problem is you take her crap and she is convinced you always will. 

Demonstrate otherwise but don't bluff. You have to be ready to go your own way and mean it. She needs to know it's legit. 

This is the only way you can save your marriage after years of her having your balls in her purse. 

I am not trying to be hurtful. Trying to say MAN UP SOLDIER. 

Either she will get the new picture or she will continue to be dismissive as you have created a monster with your countless $hit test failures that can not be slayed. 

That is the only way to earn her respect and your own self-respect back which you will need to function in a satisfying life. 

Hope this helps.


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## Hot Dog (Mar 17, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Unbelievable, ,,,
> 
> i completely understand why you are so bitter. What I don't understand is why you insist on remaining in a bitter state.





Anon Pink said:


> Unbelievable, ...
> 
> While I think your steadfastness is admirable, I think you are giving yourself and by extension your wife an excuse that you do not give to others





Anon Pink said:


> Unbelievable, ...
> 
> That's my point, unbelievable. The anger you have for your wife is driven underground ...


Hijack alert. WTF? Unbelievable LOL


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

AlbinoLion said:


> What I believe I'm dealing with overall is just as a few of you suggested; a selfish woman who lacks respect for me. We are supposed to be seeing a MC soon. We'll see...


You may be right, but on the other side of the coin (and only my experience), but there just may not be an attraction there, period. Doesn't mean you give up what you're doing, just means don't get your hopes up that you've cracked it.

My ex wife was never sexually satisfied with me. My current wife is the polar opposite. I don't really do anything different. I listen(ed) to both of them, read their body language, you name it. With my ex, I would do everything she suggested or hinted at, and it didn't matter.

But the difference maker is that one wasn't attracted to me, and the other is. Sex is almost entirely mental. It's extremely difficult (as some of us may attest to) to have good satisfying sex with somebody we're not particularly attracted to in SOME way, whether it's physical, mental/emotional, or both. (preferably both). But even if it's just one, it's sometimes not enough.

You seem to be on the right path, and hopefully it'll end up being positive!


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## Hacker (Jul 14, 2014)

She isnt having sex with you enough, but she masterbates.

In my opinion that is cheating.

She has enough sex drive to do it on her own. Sounds like you need to spend more time with her.


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