# Not being able to see your kids a lot after the divorce?



## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

I've heard about fathers who don't really get to see their kids after a divorce, and even heard of their ex-wives who move hundreds of miles away with their kids, leaving the father barely any chance to see them.

Also, I posted a lot in the infidelity section about if a man can keep his house AND his kids if say his wife had an affair then wanted a divorce. (I wrote, "It would be devastating for the man to leave the house due to his wife's infidelity, only to have the OM replace the house as a father figure.")

Divorced fathers, (and even divorced mothers), how do you deal with not being able to see your kids on a daily basis? (Or barely at all?)


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Not very phucking well.

I don't miss her, per se. Of course I miss my family unit a lot, but more then anything I miss having all of the in between times filled with the company of my babies.

I used to "be" with them. Now we visit.

It's hard. It's been a year and a half since she cheated, a year since she moved out with my kids and filed for divorce. My hands have been tied the entire time.

It's very painful to have your wife cheat and then rip your children out of your daily life, violently.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

It sucks. I've been living this life for over two years and I still cannot get use to it. I think for me I've probably made it more difficult because when it is time to be dad I am 100% in and then I think about my next time to be dad until that time comes. Granted, I have my child just shy of half but my kiddo is always on my mind and I really haven't allowed much room for anything else yet so that part is on me. 

As for the other dude moving in and taking my place. It happened immediately to me to some extent. I know some on here had the ex move the fella into the actual marital home but my ex married the POS within a year. 

I admit, my life is busy as hell, so I really don't have much time for anything else. In my spare time I work for my folks to make some extra cash. One of these years I'm going to be out of debt.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Curious_Guy said:


> I've heard about fathers who don't really get to see their kids after a divorce, and even heard of their ex-wives who move hundreds of miles away with their kids, leaving the father barely any chance to see them.
> 
> Also, I posted a lot in the infidelity section about if a man can keep his house AND his kids if say his wife had an affair then wanted a divorce. (I wrote, "It would be devastating for the man to leave the house due to his wife's infidelity, only to have the OM replace the house as a father figure.")
> 
> Divorced fathers, (and even divorced mothers), how do you deal with not being able to see your kids on a daily basis? (Or barely at all?)


What is your actual situation OP? Why are you not seeing the kids more?

It is common in my area for parents to co parent around 50/50 time. This is what ex and I do, week on/off with a swap mid week for dinner. 
It took its toll on me for quite some time as I went from primary carer to 50/50 but it is best for the kids to see both parents equally.

Have you been to court? It is not automatic here that either parent gets the full say in what happens, both parent have rights. If my ex had of tried for more care I would have dragged his arse through the court system, as a parent you must fight for your kids and the courts (where I live) do things in a fair manner and in the best interests of the kids.

If your kids are very young it is generally considered better for them to have one primary carer so not 50/50 and as they get older this arrangement changes to move towards 50/50.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I will never, ever keep my daughter from her daddy. He needs her as much as she needs him. And somewhere in between, I'll need the break. 

I don't think men get enough credit in this area. I think somehow women expect men not to care as much for some reason. My brother is a single father who has raised his son on his own (without even having family around to help!) Since his son was 4 months old. He has sole custody and his ex-wife is the one that visits. My brother also has another child, he's never even met. While he was away (from his ex) while training, she took off, broke all their plans to reunite and ended all contact with our family. My brother bleeds for his first son.. All he's ever seen are photos from his first year of life... Then poof. Gone without a trace. It's sad for the rest of us, too, because we are family and this woman, has decided to just disappear. I feel sorry for my nephew because it is highly unlikely he will get to know his brother, cousins, aunties, uncles... And his daddy... Who must love him from afar. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

The state of TX defaults to dad's getting every other weekend and one night during the week. Thats if you are Super Dad, or convict.
And you get to pay as well. Infidelity means nothing to the courts here. 
In my case, the ex cheated, decided on a divorce, said she wasnt involved with anyone, then moved him in a couple months after I moved out. Being replaced in what was "my" family as well, by whomever she chose, to live in the marital home of 13 years, and be in that intimate environment with my kid, when I get to shove off, is a wound no one can understand unless having done it. 
I'm with Paradise on this one, every thing he said +1.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Curious_Guy said:


> I've heard about fathers who don't really get to see their kids after a divorce, and even heard of t*heir ex-wives who move hundreds of miles away* with their kids, leaving the father barely any chance to see them.
> 
> This can be prevented.
> 
> ...


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Shooboomafoo said:


> The state of TX defaults to dad's getting every other weekend and one night during the week. Thats if you are Super Dad, or convict.
> And you get to pay as well. Infidelity means nothing to the courts here.


I'm also in TX and found this NOT to be the case.

I get 1st, 3rd & 5th weekends and every Thursday overnights. This means, on my weekends, I pick them up from school on Thursday at 3:00 and take them back to school on Monday morning.

This is the way it's written in the Texas Family Code - Title 5 - Parent/Child - 153.317.

THIS IS YOUR RIGHT. NON-NEGOTIABLE (unless you are a proven drug user or abuser).


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I was lucky in that although my ex cheated, she was wanting the marriage gone & not my role as a dad. I had the standard visitation for Ohio which was Mondays 5-8, Friday 5 until Sunday at 2 & Thursday 5-8 & then back to Monday. It worked out to be every few days, but I worked an additional part time job when I didn't have them. My ex was always okay that I saw them as much as I could. Even holidays we split the time of day, instead of substituting. Our problem was in our vast difference in discipline/teaching. She was a "pal" & I was the "parent" & soon became the "bad guy", which strained my relationships.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> I'm also in TX and found this NOT to be the case.
> 
> I get 1st, 3rd & 5th weekends and every Thursday overnights. This means, on my weekends, I pick them up from school on Thursday at 3:00 and take them back to school on Monday morning.
> 
> ...


I've said it before, and I'll say it again. *Know and understand the rules and laws in your state concerning divorce and child custody!* It is the most important thing. Far, far fewer divorcing Dads (and divorcing Moms, too) would get screwed over, if only they did their homework about what was and was not possible.

Now you know... ...and knowing is half the battle!


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Curious_Guy said:


> ...heard of their ex-wives who move hundreds of miles away with their kids, leaving the father barely any chance to see them.


Hopefully a dad willing to put up a fight can prevent something like that...in any state.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

My son and I don't get along and both of us decided that it's best he live with his father we visit with one another. Living together was stressing us both out big time and destroying our relationship as mother-son. He only lives a few miles away so it's not a big deal 

From a selfish point of view, I prefer him to live with his father because I hate dealing with the day to day grind of getting him to school, fighting with him about everything from doing homework to emptying the dishwasher and coming home to a messy house after work. I can also come and go as I please now, take trips when I want, etc. 

The boy gets along better with his father. I think a lot of it is just chemistry. I don't take it as a personal insult. If my ex remains sober and takes good care of him I have no issues with it. I prefer to visit with my son and show him a good time when I see him. I pay for all his needs..expenses like clothes, food, allowance, gifts, etc. It's unconventional but I've never been about being conventional or "normal". 

My daughter is in college and would be gone regardless of whether or not I was still married to her father or not. She comes home regularly and if I was still married and having a crap marriage I don't think she would come home nearly as much. We have a very pleasant and happy time together when she does visit and live with me. 

Kids grow up. They get lives of their own and leave. That's when it's time for you to get a life of your own. It saddens me that some day very soon my daughter won't call my home her home anymore but that's what successful parenting is: You raise them to go off and live without you. It's just a matter of when and how.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Y'all got the choice to fight for the main custody when you file for divorce /separation.

Most men don't really want to take on the daily responsibility to be the parent that makes all the hard decisions.

I applaud my ex brother in law. When he split with sis... at first she had most custody. After 3 years.. He filed for full custody. Best thing that ever happened for my niece & nephews. Of course, he had a new wife at that point to help him. Until then, the kids had to flay along with living with an unstable parent.
Don't get me wrong. I love my sis. But.. A great mother at that point in her life, she was not.


Edit: The choice of custody should be completely focused on what is best for the children. Not a matter of "who wants more time". I feel most men mistakenly think that the children will be better off with the mother at prime custody. If the dad is a good father, then the best choice for the child would be to get involved as MUCH as possible. Even pushing over the boundaries of the court custody decisions. Of course, that is if you are realistically evaluating your positive influence as a father.


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## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

So it's clear that the choice of custody should be completely focused on what is best for the children as Chelle D said. Anyone here who is a working dad making a good salary AND has full custody of the kids??


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> Y'all got the choice to fight for the main custody when you file for divorce /separation.
> 
> *Most men don't really want to take on the daily responsibility to be the parent that makes all the hard decisions.*
> 
> ...


And who gets to pay for the court costs of pushing over the boundaries of these decisions? The divorced dad who is already under a crapload of debt? I fought my butt off to get close to half the time and my lawyer said I'd be an idiot not to take it. True, the courts have gotten better than in the past but it is still no where near equal. 

And I'm sorry but the segment in bold above.... I would need some hard evidence to back that statement up. I have come to know a lot of divorced dads in the last three years and it's not losing the wife that necessarily affects them. It's losing their kids for even a portion of the time. Most of them could care less about the ex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Curious_Guy said:


> So it's clear that the choice of custody should be completely focused on what is best for the children as Chelle D said. Anyone here who is a working dad making a good salary AND has full custody of the kids??


My ex and his wife divorced in Maryland in 1998. He made a good salary, worked full time and had 100% custody of his two children.

ETA: Unless one of the parents is proven to be a bad parent, it's usually very bad for one parent to have full custody and the other does not get to see the children.

Here in New Mexico 50/50 is generally the assumed arrangement. More and more states are moving to this.

Fighting over the children is harmful to the children.


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## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> My ex and his wife divorced in Maryland in 1998. He made a good salary, worked full time and had 100% custody of his two children.
> 
> ETA: Unless one of the parents is proven to be a bad parent, it's usually very bad for one parent to have full custody and the other does not get to see the children.
> 
> ...


It's good that the arrangement is 50/50, but if the husband makes the better salary and better living would that mean that the kids will always be sleeping at daddy's house (everyday or most of the time)?


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