# Worried about my wife



## TitansFan (Nov 20, 2012)

I've been married for 5 years. I thought we've had a good relationship so far. My wife has developed a friendship with a guy (Ryan) and I'm worried. A few months ago she started acting a little distant. I became worried and started going behind her reading her text messages. She deletes most of her texts cause she doesn't like stuff cluttered. This bothered me at first but she's always been like that with her emails too, even when she acted head over heels for me. Saw some texts to one of her girlfriends saying I was driving her nuts and she was considering a separation but she still loved me. I wasn't able to hide my sadness and we talked the next morning. I told her I was worried about her friendship with Ryan and how I thought it looked like it was developing into something more. She has a ridiculously busy schedule and really doesn't have the free time to physically cheat. She told me they were just friends and not to worry. I honestly think at that point she was being honest and I've been stuck in the friend zone before with women. I thought we were ok and went 2-3 weeks without reading her texts but was never able to shake the feeling that something wasn't right. One morning I read her texts while she was in the shower and saw where she told one of her girlfriends that she thought she was starting to like Ryan. She acknowledged that I'm a good guy and that she loved me but wondered about Ryan. The only thing that has helped me somewhat stay sane in the fact that he is really religious and still a virgin in his mid to late 20's. I don't think he knows she is starting to like him. Her friend (who is friends with Ryan and doesn't know me) said she's all for happy marriages but thought my wife should pursue things with Ryan. She then followed with not to take relationship advice from her cause she has not had a good track record with guys. My wife's response was that she worried about him being a virgin and joked about corrupting him. I haven't confronted her because I want her to still be somewhat relaxed about deleting her texts which it seems she mostly does in the mornings. I usually read her texts at night if when I wake up around 2-3 am. While she may have these feelings, she's really is a good person. We go to church weekly and both of us know the pain of being cheated on. Over the past week I've gone through a wave of emotions. I've been reading as much as I can about marriage advise and wonder if she's just not getting enough communication from me. I'm not a very talkative person and sometimes have a hard time talking about random stuff. Our sex life is I guess average as far as frequency. Usually once a week. But the sex is really good for both of us. I don't know what to do. I treat her like a queen. Sometimes I feel like she takes my kindness for granted.


----------



## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Here we go again.

Dude, she's having an emotional affair. First of all, quit treating her like a queen. Do your homework and read her texts, emails, Facebook, and put a VAR under her car seat to figure out what's really going on. Once you have irrefutable evidence then confront her with it. Go confront this guy Ryan about shmoozing with your wife too.

Man up and put a stop to this before it goes any further.


----------



## TitansFan (Nov 20, 2012)

I'm reading her texts as much as I can as well as Facebook and emails. And tracking her phone. Made the mistake of not taking a screen shot of the mentioned texts to have as evidence. Won't make that mistake again. I've read many of the posts on this site about EAs. Worried I'll put him through a wall if I confront him in person.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to move this over to coping with infidelity because you're wife is in an emotional affair, and she's already sizing the guy up to make it physical and to leave you.

1. You need to c-block her and ryan.
2. Get a read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
3. You also need to Read Married Man's Sex Life by Kay Athol ASAP!!!

Nip this in the bud fast and hard or you will soon see your marriage end. 

your wife is already crossing boundaries a married woman should never cross, and she's got a toxic friend who's encouraging her.

4. you need to meet and get to know, in fact be buddies, with this toxic friend who is advising her to cheat.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do they also talk on the phone? If so you need a voice activated recorder in her car under the car seat secured with velcro.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

OK my friend ... listen up. 

Your wife has no business having a friendship with this Ryan guy, much less entertaining having a relationship with him. As the others have said, this is an emotional affair she is entering into and this guy might not even know it. As far as I'm concerned you have enough information to confront her with the facts that you know what is going on in her mind about "Ryan" and she has to end all contact with him immediately, and you will help her achieve that goal by: blocking phone numbers (if necessary), ending phone or Internet services (if necessary) and letting the extended family know she is behaving inappropriately (with proof if necessary). Make sure you send yourself those text messages to hold as proof.

Second, contact that toxic POS girlfriend and tell her firmly that you want her to butt out of your marriage and stop encouraging your wife to have an affair. Tell her the proof you have that she has been interfering.

Finally, contact "Ryan". Let him know that if he wants to maintain good health, he is to avoid your wife at all costs. Don't ask him, tell him. AND, if you think there is any chance they may be together, you have to make sure you are there. You can not allow them to be alone together

If you do all these these things, you are protecting your marriage. Now your wife is not going to like this one bit because you are C0ckblocking her and she is going to call you controlling and fight you tooth and nail. Don't give a crap, you have to do it or she WILL be having sex with him. Mark my words.

Edit:


TitansFan said:


> Worried I'll put him through a wall if I confront him in person.


Don't worry about that, sometimes it's necessary.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Acting like a sad puppy won't fix anything, it will only make things worse..

Your wife does not respect you at all, not one bit..

Find your anger. What is a dealbreaker for you in a relationship ?

And what kind of phone does she have?

Do you have kids ?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

TitansFan said:


> I'm reading her texts as much as I can as well as Facebook and emails. And tracking her phone. Made the mistake of not taking a screen shot of the mentioned texts to have as evidence. Won't make that mistake again. I've read many of the posts on this site about EAs. Worried I'll put him through a wall if I confront him in person.


You don't have to prove anything to anyone


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You don't have to prove anything to anyone


Quoted for the truth of it!


----------



## Helplease (Nov 8, 2012)

TitansFan said:


> Her friend (who is friends with Ryan and doesn't know me) said she's all for happy marriages but thought my wife should pursue things with Ryan. .


Her friend has to go. I would call her toxic friend and tell her I saw the text she sent telling my wife to f*ck this Ryan guy (in those words), and tell her to take a hike. I would confront this boy toy guy to his face and ask him why he is getting so close to my wife.

I would then talk to my wife and give her an ultimatum, her toxic friend and her boy toy, or her marriage. I would also talk to the pastor of your church and tell him what is going on.

Act fast and act decisively, don't take any sh*t from any of them, and don't mince words. If the wife wants to deny and play games, don't have any of it. Go stay in a hotel for a couple days and let her think about it. Show her who the man is, *YOU*, not virgin boy.


----------



## TitansFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Thanks for all the advice. We don't have kids and she has an iPhone. About a month ago I purchased the iPhone spy stick from brick house security but it won't work with the latest software update. You're right about acting like a sad puppy cause that's exactly how I feel. I guess the next step is talking with our priest and her mom as well as her.


----------



## farside (Oct 27, 2012)

She has not taking the step to cheat. It is natural to have one's mind wonder and emotional affairs are not good, but if you love her, and it sounds like you do, talk with her. How you are going to casually say you have been invading her privacy and reading her private texts and messages will be awkward. Be ready for a fight back, reading someone's texts and emails without their consent is a slippery slope and she has a valid objection to you invading her privacy.


----------



## farside (Oct 27, 2012)

TitansFan said:


> I guess the next step is talking with our priest and her mom as well as her.


Talking to your priest is a great idea.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

TitansFan said:


> Thanks for all the advice. We don't have kids and she has an iPhone. About a month ago I purchased the iPhone spy stick from brick house security but it won't work with the latest software update. You're right about acting like a sad puppy cause that's exactly how I feel. I guess the next step is talking with our priest and her mom as well as her.


Do not waste time and act today. Have that conversation with her right away, then you can see the Priest and "Mom". Remember a few things. If she has started to get her head into "Ryan", then this wont be easy. She will fight you. She won't want to talk to "Mom" or the Priest. This is her life and her business. Your just going to have to work through all that bull$hit. Also remember that in the end if your wife fights you tooth and nail, "Mom" will eventually take her side; it's her daughter and that's just the natural order of things. Get tough, you can't be passive and be firm in your resolve and what ever you do, get that toxic Girlfriend out of your wife's life.


----------



## TitansFan (Nov 20, 2012)

farside said:


> She has not taking the step to cheat. It is natural to have one's mind wonder and emotional affairs are not good, but if you love her, and it sounds like you do, talk with her. How you are going to casually say you have been invading her privacy and reading her private texts and messages will be awkward. Be ready for a fight back, reading someone's texts and emails without their consent is a slippery slope and she has a valid objection to you invading her privacy.


I do love her and she found out I was reading her texts when I first suspected something. Stupid on my part for not being more stealthy. I know she'll be pissed about me doing it again but she is in the wrong for the EA. 

Her "toxic friend" texted her this last night: "I would never actually want to be in a legit relationship with any of these people (married or in a relationship), its like I just want to see if I can get them to be interested even though they have a girlfriend/fiancé/are otherwise unavailable. I just get this huge feeling of accomplishment from it. I'm fully aware of how abnormal this is."
Wife's response: "lol...no I'm with you"


----------



## TitansFan (Nov 20, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Do not waste time and act today. Have that conversation with her right away, then you can see the Priest and "Mom". Remember a few things. If she has started to get her head into "Ryan", then this wont be easy. She will fight you. She won't want to talk to "Mom" or the Priest. This is her life and her business. Your just going to have to work through all that bull$hit. Also remember that in the end if your wife fights you tooth and nail, "Mom" will eventually take her side; it's her daughter and that's just the natural order of things. Get tough, you can't be passive and be firm in your resole and what ever you do, get that toxic Girlfriend out of your wife's life.


While mom may eventually take her side, I have an awesome relationship with my mother in law. Her mom will definitely take my side to start. She may be mad at her mom at first but they will talk about it. Her and her mom are practically joined at the hip.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

TitansFan said:


> Her "toxic friend" texted her this last night: "I would never actually want to be in a legit relationship with any of these people (married or in a relationship), its like I just want to see if I can get them to be interested even though they have a girlfriend/fiancé/are otherwise unavailable. I just get this huge feeling of accomplishment from it. I'm fully aware of how abnormal this is."
> Wife's response: "lol...no I'm with you"


This all sounds very dangerous to me. Don't procrastinate. What starts as innocent and playful can become emotional, addictive, sexual, consuming and damaging. I can point you to 100 posts that started like yours that eventually became sexual because of procrastination.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

farside said:


> Be ready for a fight back, reading someone's texts and emails without their consent is a slippery slope and she has a valid objection to you invading her privacy.


I'm going to disagree. Although conventional wisdom and many courts will say that she has the expectation of privacy, the truth is that in a marriage, there is no real expectation of privacy. Not only SHOULD you be an open book, but the shear fact of the shared living and property arrangements, you ARE an open book.


----------



## BrookeT (Nov 3, 2012)

My take, tell her directly, either she stops all contact with this guy, or you walk. You have to be prepared to actually do it, as well. You also need to deal with her "friend", who is actively trying to undermine your marriage. 

Make it crystal clear you find her behavior unacceptable, and what the consequences are if she doesn't change it.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

TitansFan said:


> She has a ridiculously busy schedule and really doesn't have the free time to physically cheat.


Wrong!

Even Presidents of the United States have time to cheat:

Bill Clinton
John F. Kennedy
Franklin D. Roosevelt
....................


----------



## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Put your foot down. Going after her half ass when you have proof is not going to shake her up. Pop up when she least expects you to and join her and Ryan for a quick lunch. Make sure you are not too subtle about your anger.


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Dont assume a darn thing that your wife doesn't have time to cheat. Seriously if something is important enough you can always make time for it. and it looks like Ryan is on her things to do or already done list. Stop tip toeing around the issue. Copy the evidence and back it up. Confront her a$$ right away. No half a$$ attempt to confront, no falling for the eventual bs excuse that will flow out of her mouth, no compromising her contact with ryan, no blame shifting about her privacy because privately she is wanting to f$/k another man behind your back. Toxic coniving marriage killing friend of hers has to go too, and since your wife and her agree on so much maybe your wife has to also, if she is not willing to respect the obvious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TitansFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Y'all are right about making time. I'm certain that nothing has happened yet because she spends so much time working, finishing her final year of grad school, or spending time with her mom. And since she sent the text to her friend, Ryan has been out of town. I talked with her mom today for about an hour and laid everything out. Mom said she's noticed the extra time on the phone and is certainly concerned. Like I said earlier, I have a great relationship with my mother in law. Her mom agrees with all of you that the friend and Ryan have to go. I plan on confronting her tonight when she finishes shopping with her mom.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Let us know how that goes.


----------



## TitansFan (Nov 20, 2012)

We talked last night and it went well. Thanks to everyone who commented and offered their advice. We will see what the future holds but I'm optimistic.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

TitansFan said:


> We talked last night and it went well. Thanks to everyone who commented and offered their advice. We will see what the future holds but I'm optimistic.


Very happy to hear that, it's always gratifying to hear that our advice is helpful. Did she agree to give up the friend and go No Contact with Ryan? What was her reaction to how you got the information. Also. Remember to trust but verify.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

TitansFan said:


> We talked last night and it went well. Thanks to everyone who commented and offered their advice. We will see what the future holds but I'm optimistic.


Anyone else find the lack of information about the talk concerning?

For those of us who have spent many months here to see those who do not take a strong stand with bounderies lead to more mess. The cheaters will lie and want things to go smoothly during "the talk" so they can take it all under ground. Careful.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

This is me said:


> Anyone else find the lack of information about the talk concerning?
> 
> For those of us who have spent many months here to see those who do not take a strong stand with bounderies lead to more mess. The cheaters will lie and want things to go smoothly during "the talk" so they can take it all under ground. Careful.


I agree! OP please expand on your conversation with your wife.


----------



## A++ (May 21, 2012)

TitansFan said:


> We talked last night and it went well. Thanks to everyone who commented and offered their advice. We will see what the future holds but I'm optimistic.


Good luck..

Btw, Keep your eyes open and don't ignore red flags. 
If something seems fishy, it might be. just don't jump the gun until
you have solid proof.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Looks like we won't here from the OP again.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

LOL I agree. Probably a done deal. Toxic friend....again.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Don't run to a priest or her mother and whine. She needs a man. Men handle their own relationships. Grow a pair and set down your boundaries. The longer you wait the harder it will be to regain your wife's respect. Your competition is a virgin. What does that say about you?


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

TitansFan said:


> I do love her and she found out I was reading her texts when I first suspected something. Stupid on my part for not being more stealthy. I know she'll be pissed about me doing it again but she is in the wrong for the EA.


I expected that paragraph to end with "now she'll be covering her tracks" rather than "she'll be mad me".

Who gives a rat's ass if she's mad at you? You're still playing the role of the spineless victim. She should be the one worrying about YOU being mad, yet she's cheating (on some level) and you're walking around on eggshells. Thats what got you into this mess in the first place and it's what's going to keep you there.



TitansFan said:


> Her "toxic friend" texted her this last night: "I would never actually want to be in a legit relationship with any of these people (married or in a relationship), its like I just want to see if I can get them to be interested even though they have a girlfriend/fiancé/are otherwise unavailable. I just get this huge feeling of accomplishment from it. I'm fully aware of how abnormal this is."
> Wife's response: "lol...no I'm with you"


Weird. she knows you read her texts yet she doesn't tell her friend to be careful what she writes to her.

It's like she just doesn't care.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

OP, aren't you slightly mad that your wife is basically planning to bang another dude? 



> Originally Posted by TitansFan
> We talked last night and it went well. Thanks to everyone who commented and offered their advice. We will see what the future holds but I'm optimistic.


Well i wouldn't be...


----------



## TitansFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Y'all were right about not being optimistic. I pulled phone records and the texts have continued to Ryan. The past times I got upset. This time I got really pissed. Talked with Ryan and he's agreed to stop communication. Talked with her and said she hasn't been in love with me for a few years now. At first she thought it was normal and just a relationship reaching a plateau. Thought she could change or talk herself out of it. Over the past 6 months it has just gotten worse. Said she loves me but just not in love. We've agreed to see a counselor. She's making a legit effort in finding a good one. We went through bios of probably 100 ones in our area and have set up initial consults with 2 for Monday. Said doesn't know what caused this but she wants to change. We will see.


----------



## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

TitansFan said:


> Y'all were right about not being optimistic. I pulled phone records and the texts have continued to Ryan. The past times I got upset. This time I got really pissed. Talked with Ryan and he's agreed to stop communication. Talked with her and said she hasn't been in love with me for a few years now. At first she thought it was normal and just a relationship reaching a plateau. Thought she could change or talk herself out of it. Over the past 6 months it has just gotten worse. Said she loves me but just not in love. We've agreed to see a counselor. She's making a legit effort in finding a good one. We went through bios of probably 100 ones in our area and have set up initial consults with 2 for Monday. Said doesn't know what caused this but she wants to change. We will see.


I'd kick her a$$ out of the house. If she won't leave tell her you are done. Tell her if she has a any contact with either of those two you are done.


----------



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Oh no, the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you". Do some searching on this forum with that phrase. I think you'll find that this situation is likely MUCH worse than you suspect. If she says she's been feeling this for a few years, I wouldn't be surprised if Ryan isn't the first person she's had an affair with.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Sounds like she has disconnected emotionally with her EA partner Ryan. This explains the 2 years of not being in love comment. 9 times out of 10 when those words ILBNILWY surface there is someone else. This other person is the emotional disconnect.

MC should help, but she needs to stop all contact. You also need to take her off of the pedestal you have her on. Reading your original post and the last few lines is the classic beta nice guy which is a turn off.

Read Athol Kays book. MMSL.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

TitansFan said:


> Y'all were right about not being optimistic. I pulled phone records and the texts have continued to Ryan. The past times I got upset. This time I got really pissed. Talked with Ryan and he's agreed to stop communication. Talked with her and said she hasn't been in love with me for a few years now. At first she thought it was normal and just a relationship reaching a plateau. Thought she could change or talk herself out of it. Over the past 6 months it has just gotten worse. Said she loves me but just not in love. We've agreed to see a counselor. She's making a legit effort in finding a good one. We went through bios of probably 100 ones in our area and have set up initial consults with 2 for Monday. Said doesn't know what caused this but she wants to change. We will see.


Stay on the marrige and stay on her.

Your wife is a liar. And her A has caused a loss of feelings for you.

The oh "we are just friends". 

Glad you came back. 

Verify the counselor and see if you can fix your marriage.

But remember, it takes two. Both of you.

Time for her to turn off FB, texting, Ryan and her toxic friend.

And if she cannot do that and be honest with you then you have your answer.

Good Luck and I hope she gives you an honest effort.

HM64

PS
She is rewriting your marital history when she says she has not been happy for a few years.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I wish I could find the link about women and affairs that someone posted in the CWI section. It basically talks about how some women at around the four year mark have problems because the infatuation phase is ending and the "comfort" phase SHOULD be kicking in. Some women do not transition well and begin to chase that dopamine high that new relationships have. They end up pursuing another man, detach from their husband and eventually begin an affair. Then comes the divorce. They often marry the new man and then in year 4 of that relationship it starts all over again. Rinse and repeat. If anyone else know the link they should post it for you to read. It sounds like your wife is one of these women and if she doesn't address this character flaw she will be forever chasing that new infatuation.

Edit: Found it

http://womensinfidelity.com/


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Stop handling your wife like a fragile glass . Look where that got you.


----------



## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

TitansFan said:


> Worried I'll put him through a wall if I confront him in person.


make it happen. just dont let him be able to prove it was you.

or better still have something over him so he cant do anything even if he knows.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

TitansFan said:


> Y'all were right about not being optimistic. I pulled phone records and the texts have continued to Ryan. The past times I got upset. This time I got really pissed. Talked with Ryan and he's agreed to stop communication. Talked with her and said she hasn't been in love with me for a few years now. At first she thought it was normal and just a relationship reaching a plateau. Thought she could change or talk herself out of it. Over the past 6 months it has just gotten worse. Said she loves me but just not in love. We've agreed to see a counselor. She's making a legit effort in finding a good one. We went through bios of probably 100 ones in our area and have set up initial consults with 2 for Monday. Said doesn't know what caused this but she wants to change. We will see.


I just knew this was going to happen. She gave in too easy to you and you were too nice a guy. When you called Ryan, what happened? Did you give him the fear of god or just told him to stay away. Did you get any information out of him.

How much information did you get from your wife. Has this affair gone physical?

Have the moderation move this to the Coping With Infidelity board and give us more information so we can help you.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

TitansFan said:


> Y'all were right about not being optimistic. I pulled phone records and the texts have continued to Ryan. The past times I got upset. This time I got really pissed. Talked with Ryan and he's agreed to stop communication. Talked with her and said she hasn't been in love with me for a few years now. At first she thought it was normal and just a relationship reaching a plateau. Thought she could change or talk herself out of it. Over the past 6 months it has just gotten worse. Said she loves me but just not in love. We've agreed to see a counselor. She's making a legit effort in finding a good one. We went through bios of probably 100 ones in our area and have set up initial consults with 2 for Monday. Said doesn't know what caused this but she wants to change. We will see.


So you've been married for 5 years and your wife just told you that she lost her love for you at a minimum 2 years ago? So she fell out of love with you in as few as 3 years? One of two things here: 1) either she really has fallen out of love with you and it is simply a matter of incompatibility or 2) she is rewriting her marital history in an attempt to justify her relationship with Ryan. No. 1 is tough and most likely an issue for divorce. No. 2 is salvageable if the both of you are willing to go full transparency, she's willing to be fully accountable to you and that she is truly remorseful for what she has done to you. Without those, you won't get very far with reconciliation.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you feel like you have the guts to fight for a woman? You show no emotion. * your wife is trying to seduce a virgin young man, her best friend is a sl+t and encouraging her*

Does anything pi$$ you off?

BTW you are going to end up with a counselor that is going to throw YOU under the bus.

If you get serious have this thread moved to Coping with Infidelity section.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I am sorry about all of this.

I think you will be wasting your time going to counseling as long as she has a boyfriend.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

TitansFan said:


> Y'all were right about not being optimistic. I pulled phone records and the texts have continued to Ryan. The past times I got upset. This time I got really pissed. Talked with Ryan and he's agreed to stop communication. Talked with her and said she hasn't been in love with me for a few years now. At first she thought it was normal and just a relationship reaching a plateau. Thought she could change or talk herself out of it. Over the past 6 months it has just gotten worse. Said she loves me but just not in love. We've agreed to see a counselor. She's making a legit effort in finding a good one. We went through bios of probably 100 ones in our area and have set up initial consults with 2 for Monday. Said doesn't know what caused this but she wants to change. We will see.


What's going on is that she stopped putting effort into the marriage. That's why it plateaued to her.

On the other hand, she's putting huge amounts of effort into the relationship with Ryan, and gee guess what - she finds that to be exciting and rewarding..

If she really want to fix things she needs to do a couple things:

#1 - no more ryan.

#2 - read not just friends by shirley glass

#3 - both of you: read His Needs / Her Needs

#4 - both of you a minimum of 15 hours per week of YOU TIME. Not TV time, not with others time. YOU time. Go for walks, rides, play cards. But make it the two of you time.

Put effort and time into each other.


----------



## TitansFan (Nov 20, 2012)

So tonight she said she was going out with friends. She has an app on her phone which I can track her from. It was not working so I got in my truck and followed my gut. Sure enough she was at Ryan's apartment. Called her, no answer. Called again, no answer. Called him, no answer but it got her to call back. After initially lying about where she was she finally confessed because I was standing next to her vehicle. Verbally fought there and I left when she threatend to call the cops cause I was trying to figure out which door to kick in. Fought some more in the parking lot and she agreed to pack a bag and move out. Talked with Ryan to get as much info as possible over the phone driving cause he wouldn't come outside. They say nothing has physically happened but at this point I don't care. I'm done with her crap. We are getting divorced. At least I only wasted $ on one counseling session.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

This is better than living with doubts all the time. At least you now know which way to turn. She put no effort in marriage and no effort in making up to you after what she did. She's not worth it so you can easily let her go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TitansFan (Nov 20, 2012)

You're right. Now I know. I think it will be easy to let go cause I'm not sad at all. Only pissed about the whole situation. I feel like I have wasted so much time and energy into trying to make this work. Good riddance.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Time to go nuclear. Let everyone know what she is doing. Parents, friends, work.

Here is where you put him. CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know

Let her pastor know too. She needs knocked out of the fog NOW.

The reason for exposing to everyone is to destroy the affair.

Cheaterville helps that and there is the revenge element that feels good too. Be sure to send him and your wife a link to it. Anytime someone googles his name they will see what a rotten a$$hole he is.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I hate to say it, but I knew that the whole thing with her mother and priest wasn't going to work. Her mind was made up to sleep with Ryan long before you found out about him and I'm willing to bet that it happened that night. You put Ryan on notice to stay away and he didn't, that alone calls for a beating. I sincerely hope you threw her stuff on the street and have told all your friends and family she is sleeping with other guys. Your problem was that you were too trusting and not hard enough about the whole thing from the beginning. But that is the story with almost all the guys who have been cheated on here.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

TitansFan

Sorry for you. Because your wife is a lying [email protected] Sorry for her because she is too weak to listen to reason, instead listening to toxic friends.

I agree with Chap. Exposé the Affair. She needs consequences for hER actions even if you are divorcing.

And pack her stuff up for her. Drop it off at Ryan's or her moms.
She needs to feel that shame.

She has lied to you and I'm sure to her family. She needs to feel those consequences.

Secure your finances. Talk to a lawyer for advice. Talk to your pastor for council.

And post Ryan on cheaterville. He'll, post both of them.

And stay calm. No violence. No kicking down doors. No threats.

Just deliver her crap, go dark and ignore her.

Focus on you now.

Heal.

HM64


----------



## Intheabyss (Jan 3, 2013)

Please disregard this post. I missed the last update...it's simply not relevent now. Sorry...

My post is going to be different from the others here. Yes, your wife has a problem and it's not ok. But there is something that is causing her to do this. If it's not with this 20 year old it will be with someone else. You have enough proof that something is going on. But you need to find out why. This is the symptom of something deeper. Why is your wife doing this? Only she knows the answer and if you can get to the root of her behavior you may be able to salvage your marriage. But there is a root and you have to get her to tell you what it is. That root may be a selfish root (on her part - boredom, etc) or it might be psychological and fixable through counseling. But something is causing this behavior in her and you must find that out or else it will continue or happen again with someone else later on.

Wishing you all the best!


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Intheabyss said:


> You have enough proof that something is going on. But you need to find out why.
> 
> But something is causing this behavior in her and you must find that out or else it will continue or happen again with someone else later on.


He doesn't need to do any of those things. 

She's no longer his problem. 

Some people thought the Titanic wouldn't sink and stayed on board until all the lifeboats were gone.

It's time to jump ship.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> He doesn't need to do any of those things.
> 
> She's no longer his problem.
> 
> ...


I don't see a problem with him trying to help her, but first he has to throw her out, stop supporting her, kick Ryan's ass and make sure that everyone who has ever known his wife is informed that she is an adulteress (cheater or what ever other term you want to use). He can help her as a single guy just trying to be nice to his ex-wife.


----------



## Intheabyss (Jan 3, 2013)

sharkeey said:


> He doesn't need to do any of those things.
> 
> She's no longer his problem.
> 
> ...


Missed the last thread before posting my root post. Please disregard the post. Not relevent now.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Do they also talk on the phone? If so you need a voice activated recorder in her car under the car seat secured with velcro.


There are also apps that will record phone calls.


Just finished reading through the entire thread. I guess OP does not need this now.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I wish some one person would come on here and tell us when they got the ILUBNILWU speech they would give the KMAB speech, pack their sh!t in black garbage bags and take them to both their parents and AP'S place. 

My favorite is when the poster took his wifes clothes to the front yard and drenched them with detergent and hosed them all off letting the neighbors know what kind of woman she was. LMAO


----------



## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

What is the KMAB speech?


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Leading Man said:


> What is the KMAB speech?


The K stands for Kiss..........................:moon::whip:


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Any updates TitansFan?


----------



## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Your wife left you for a mid-20s virgin? What a stupid *****. She'll spend the first few months of her new
"relationship" just teaching little Ryan how to have sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

jd08 said:


> Your wife left you for a mid-20s virgin? What a stupid *****. She'll spend the first few months of her new
> "relationship" just teaching little Ryan how to have sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe that's what pushed her button?


----------



## TitansFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Here's an update. She's been living with her mom for the past week. No contact whatsoever until she showed up yesterday afternoon to get some more clothes. Lucky timing for her that I just got back from the grocery store since I changed the locks. Ignored her while she was here but then she called a few min after she left. Nothing really noteworthy to mention. Saturday I met with the marriage counselor alone. Stayed for 2 hrs since his next appointment cancelled on him. Not sure what caused the change in her behavior but everyone I've talked to agrees that I need to focus on myself and stay busy and not drown my sorrows. Lucky for me I partied hard in high school and early college so I was done binge drinking by the time I was 21. Her mom and sister are furious at her. They both went through similar situations early in their marriages. They can't understand why she won't listen to them and instead chooses the advise of her 2 "toxic" friends. My wife feels like no one on her side of the family supports her. She doesn't get that they are just giving tough love and telling her like it is that she screwed up. We are pretty sure that counselor struck a nerve on the first session pointing out that she probably has some underlying emotional scars from her childhood from her verbally abusive dad. It seems like she is choosing to run from her problems rather than address them. Her mom wants her to go back to the counselor at least by herself to fix her. Not sure if she will. I've got a ton of family support on both sides which has really helped. I think I've talk to her mom and sister more than anyone else. Since everyone is about 95% sure nothing physical has happened, they want me to hold off for at least a few months before signing divorce paperwork but agree that it will be dependent on her behavior going forward. They are hoping and praying that reality will soon set in and she will realize that she has pushed away the best thing that ever happened to her (their words). We will see. Even if she does want to come back we would have a ton of work ahead to try to put this back together and I'm not sure if that is possible without a miracle. With all the support I think I've been coping rather well given the circumstances. To a degree everyone still feels like are heads are spinning being that this marriage has literally fallen apart in a few weeks (from the time she agreed she wanted to fix it with counseling to essentially pushing the self destruct button).


----------



## old_soldier (Jul 17, 2012)

TitansFan said:


> Here's an update. She's been living with her mom for the past week. No contact whatsoever until she showed up yesterday afternoon to get some more clothes. Lucky timing for her that I just got back from the grocery store since I changed the locks. Ignored her while she was here but then she called a few min after she left. Nothing really noteworthy to mention. Saturday I met with the marriage counselor alone. Stayed for 2 hrs since his next appointment cancelled on him. Not sure what caused the change in her behavior but everyone I've talked to agrees that I need to focus on myself and stay busy and not drown my sorrows. Lucky for me I partied hard in high school and early college so I was done binge drinking by the time I was 21. Her mom and sister are furious at her. They both went through similar situations early in their marriages. They can't understand why she won't listen to them and instead chooses the advise of her 2 "toxic" friends. My wife feels like no one on her side of the family supports her. She doesn't get that they are just giving tough love and telling her like it is that she screwed up. We are pretty sure that counselor struck a nerve on the first session pointing out that she probably has some underlying emotional scars from her childhood from her verbally abusive dad. It seems like she is choosing to run from her problems rather than address them. Her mom wants her to go back to the counselor at least by herself to fix her. Not sure if she will. I've got a ton of family support on both sides which has really helped. I think I've talk to her mom and sister more than anyone else. Since everyone is about 95% sure nothing physical has happened, they want me to hold off for at least a few months before signing divorce paperwork but agree that it will be dependent on her behavior going forward. They are hoping and praying that reality will soon set in and she will realize that she has pushed away the best thing that ever happened to her (their words). We will see. Even if she does want to come back we would have a ton of work ahead to try to put this back together and I'm not sure if that is possible without a miracle. With all the support I think I've been coping rather well given the circumstances. To a degree everyone still feels like are heads are spinning being that this marriage has literally fallen apart in a few weeks (from the time she agreed she wanted to fix it with counseling to essentially pushing the self destruct button).


My opinion? This would never have happened if those "worthless dirty c_nts of a toxic friends" weren't in the background coaching her on. It would also not have happened if the dipstick OM had have been removed from the picture (not advocating violance here). A nice "one way" chat with a lot of F'n dirtbag, lowlife scum, worthless POS and some sort of diplomatic "watch your back pal" may have helped. You got friends? Time to call for help.
Sorry for the emotion, this whole thing just pi$$ed me off.


----------



## fourmoreplease (Jan 10, 2013)

So sorry


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

You still think this guy is a church going "virgin"????? Your wasting your time trying to talk to this guy. He doesn't care about [email protected]#king over your marriage. All he is thinking with is his head below the belt. There is no information or reasoning you will get from him, he is a POS who plans on being with your "wife".


----------



## TitansFan (Nov 20, 2012)

I know it is probably a lost cause at this point and I would just be wasting my time with her. He's moving out of state soon but she isn't willing to even remotely entertain the idea of giving up her friends when it is brought up by her mom or sister. With everything happening so fast I've got a lot of mixed emotions. I'm reminded by a saying a buddy of mine has, "there is always another smiling face to take your place". I know I can find someone else but part of me just isn't ready to let go of the past 9 years so quickly. I can't help the fact that I still love her but since she is out of the house it will give me a lot of time to reflect and move on if she continues to refuse to go to counseling. It's sad to see how this is affecting the relationship with her mom. They are super close and at a minimum talk to each other everyday but usually spend time together as well. For most guys this would be a nightmare to see their mother-in-law that much but I'm actually closer to my mother-in-law than my own mom.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Push for divorce now, in a few month your chick will come out of the fog and wants to get back and everyone will forget about the affair and they will think about how you are divorcing a remorseful wife.

Get it?

At the very least file now, you can withdraw the filing if your chick turns a cornner.

Holding off now will just lose the momentum you now have.

Having her served now will be better then having her served in a few months.

Dude it will take a few months for a court date and a time to get infront of a judge.

See if you wait then your chick will be the remorsful wife that just got sreved

Now she is the cheating wife that jsut got served


Dude getting served and finalizing a divorce are completely diffent deals.....you can alway withdraw the divorce during the waiting period.

This tactic is the one of the best ways to protect your self, even if you do R there will always be these divorce paper that are in the wings...just waiting for you chick to screw up again...it is motivation for some waywards to get here sh1t together. Its all writen down in black and white, it isnlt a threat, or just talk, there are actual papers sitting in a lawyers draw jsut wait for her to screw up again!!!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My spelling sucks when I ger excited sorry.


----------



## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

OP are you doing the '180'?

I'm so sorry this happened to you.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

the guy said:


> Push for divorce now, in a few month your chick will come out of the fog and wants to get back and everyone will forget about the affair and they will think about how you are divorcing a remorseful wife.
> 
> Holding off now will just lose the momentum you now have.
> 
> ...


*TitansFan: The above is the truth. *Keep going with the filing, don't slow it up. When she gets served, reality will sink in, with her and your in-laws. Remember that they are her blood, not yours and at some point, they will turn on you. Following through with the filing will show everyone how serious you are about this and that you are not to be taken lightly. It will put more pressure on her, and your in-laws as well. In the end, if she doesn't react to the filing, then you know that she truly is a lost cause.

BTW: That lying pr1ck Ryan needs a whooping.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Lets face it. She is trying her best to bang a kid. You really want her back or do you want to dodge this bullet?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You say 95% of people say it hasn't gone physical.

I guess I'm in the 5% because I think it has gone physical and she was over there to have sex with him again when you caught her.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Now the inlaws " we are so sorry we want to support your marriage"

Months from now the inlaws " she is truely sorry and has learned from her mistake why are you treating her this way"

Now your WW is telling everyone " My H is the worst thing ever"

Months from now your WW is telling everyone " I love my H so much but he hates me and no matter what I do he will treat me in a mean way" {granted the OM will have been moved out and long gone}

Again the tactice in having her served now is 1) showing her you won't take her sh1t, 2) I'm ready to pull the trigger, 3) this is the end result and consequence if this continues.

Spend the dough now this way if it happens again with some other POS you will be ahead of the game. Again you can alway withdraw the filing and your lawyers retainer will be there when and if its needed again.

See, it aint real until the sheriff pulls up and has her served...then evry one will see the reality of it all. Even the folks that never went thru this crap will see that this is no longer a little riff in the marriage that can be worked thru. Everyone will see how serious you are and a man not to be phucket with!

Any guy that drops a couple of grand on retaining a lawyer and having his chick served will be taken seriously....even you chick.

This tactic will have no doubt in making your chick think twice in what she is about to lose, and even if she is so fogged in that she excepts this consequence, you will be one step a head of this crap.


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

old_soldier said:


> My opinion? This would never have happened if those "worthless dirty c_nts of a toxic friends" weren't in the background coaching her on. It would also not have happened if the dipstick OM had have been removed from the picture (not advocating violance here). A nice "one way" chat with a lot of F'n dirtbag, lowlife scum, worthless POS and some sort of diplomatic "watch your back pal" may have helped. You got friends? Time to call for help.
> Sorry for the emotion, this whole thing just pi$$ed me off.



I'm with you on this. But be careful with threats and what not. In my past I found them hugely effective, but have been banned for suggesting exactly what you have here.

He needs to be run off like a dog that's digging in your trash.

Oh yeah...the same goes for the toxic bimbos.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

TitansFan said:


> ...everyone is about 95% sure nothing physical has happened


Really?

:scratchhead:


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

TitansFan said:


> Since everyone is about 95% sure nothing physical has happened, they want me to hold off for at least a few months before signing divorce paperwork but agree that it will be dependent on her behavior going forward.


High motivation + opportunity + dishonesty = high probability it went PA
The family is trying to motivate you to hang on a work it out so they are playing it like it was only an EA.
Sorry


----------



## TitansFan (Nov 20, 2012)

So went to talk with our priest again. Been praying for God to slap me up side the head with what I need to do and it looks like I got it today. I'm surprised by the amount of good advice that I've received here on this forum. The priest said that based her actions I need to let go. There is no way anyone can talk logically to my wife. I just need to let go. From his experience I have maybe a 20% chance at best of her seeing that she has screwed this up and coming back. He said that there is nothing I can do and with the way she has acted over the past few months that any attempts would just be wasted effort on my part. Even he recommended that I look into getting a lawyer and Catholics really discourage divorce.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to tell her and her parrents the preist thinks she is hopeless and is telling you to divorce her. That's going to leave a mark.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Sounds like good advice TF. I'm sorry this is happening to you but the quicker you put it behind you the quicker you can start working on a happier period in your life.


----------



## TitansFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Told her mom and sister today. Like I said previously I am very close to her mom who is pretty much not speaking to her daughter at all. Neither the mom or sister can blame me at this point. They agree I've done all I can and it will be her loss once she realizes how big of a mistake she's made but they both agree that will not fully set in until summer. That is when Ryan will be more than likely moving to Texas and one of the toxic friends will be going to law school, probably in Chicago. For everyone who spent a part of their life partying hard, we know that those people rarely stick around as part of your life. Once you come to your senses then you realize who your real friends are. Unfortunately for my soon to be ex, she is going to have to learn that the hard way.


----------



## old_soldier (Jul 17, 2012)

My heart and prayers go out to you man. Hang in there. You will be the better person, always.


----------

