# cheated ... now what...



## risenshine (Mar 12, 2012)

Married for 15 yrs. 2 kids.
Met a guy on a free dating website when going through hard time in marriage. He wanted fwb I did not.. but I let myself slide into being intimate with him although I did not want fwb.
Went on this way for a year and a half. I moved three states away last July. 
He insisted it was fwb and nothing else..I fell for him and want more. He then broke all contact in Dec and is actively pursuing other women ( he was doing that while seeing me too). I still love him. The intimacy was amazing.

I am so hurt and confused. I want it to be whole and real. 

What should I do.

He has not texted me for 2.5 months..and doesnt look like he will. I am finding it hard to move on. It feels like I dont love my husband anymore even though he is trying now.
Helpp..I am so miserable! Dont know what to do.

I know the logical answer for anyone is to say..'move on and forget him' ...but I ve been trying that ..its not working. I miss him a lot.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Sounds like it is time to break up with him and direct your attention to your marriage. Write a break-up letter. It may not be what you want to do, but is what needs to happen. Just an FYI. There are a lot of people who are on this forum who were on the other side of the cheating (in other words, their spouse cheated on them). You could be getting some major flak for what happened. Just letting you know.


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## risenshine (Mar 12, 2012)

hmm..ok. 
Thanks for the reply.
There are always two to tango I guess. I am not sure anyone should give flack without knowing circumstances fully.
My H has a very low libido and does not want intimacy at all ( unless he has to). I have thought of leaving him many times but stay on for the kids.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell your husband what happened... everything.

When you see his reaction, when you see him destroyed, your love for the other man will turn to self loathing. 

Do the right thing and allow your husband to make the best choice for himself and his future. You have stolen enough from him already.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Where does your husband figure in the scheme of things? You FWB realized the crazy and moved on. Your husband hasn't ...yet.


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## risenshine (Mar 12, 2012)

Last year when I was feeling like I was sliding into this too strongly..I told H about him and that we ( the other guy and I )kissed. He did not want to know anymore. He does not want to know at all. I was struggling with the guilt at that point and wanted him to be there for me, but he is a workaholic..always has been. He refuses to even talk to me about me at all.

He refuses to divorce, unless I serve him papers of course..even then he will beg me to keep it together. 
For the kids..he says.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Join more dating sites


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

risenshine said:


> Last year when I was feeling like I was sliding into this too strongly..I told H about him and that we ( the other guy and I )kissed. He did not want to know anymore. He does not want to know at all. I was struggling with the guilt at that point and wanted him to be there for me, but he is a workaholic..always has been. He refuses to even talk to me about me at all.
> 
> He refuses to divorce, unless I serve him papers of course..even then he will beg me to keep it together.
> For the kids..he says.


How do you know your husband isn't geeting his somewhere else? I'm assuming you were attractive enough to attract the other man. Why doesn't your husband want to have sex with you?


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

yep more dating sites, then you can get ALL the lovin you need.while your husbands busts his rearend to support you cheating azz.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

So your husband is fine with the fact that you were cheating on him?? You are still with hubby yet wish you were with the other man?? Who do you really want? I had an emotional affair on my husband so I'm not here to give you a hard time. I do think you need counseling. You also need to move out so that you can figure out what you really want, sounds like you shouldn't be with anyone till you really dig deep into what you have done and what you should do about it. I may be wrong, you haven't given us much info.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## risenshine (Mar 12, 2012)

He has been verbally and emotionally abusive with me for over 8 years. He treats me like an unpaid nanny for the kids with no sex and conversation. I have been so unhappy but cannot get the courage to get a divorce.
I dont know if he is doing it elsewhere. He is religious so does not I think. He just has a low libido. We did not do a thing for 8 months when we were dating. Then after the first kid for over a year. I used to wait for him to make a move at that time..He still does not initiate for weeks at end if I dont mention it....but now I am getting very very impatient seeing my life walking away past me..

especially after experiencing 'normal' passion with this other guy..


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why are you scared of divorce? call some woman support groups near your place.


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## risenshine (Mar 12, 2012)

I am in counseling. It is helping some but not entirely. I am also taking E-Sam, a supplement which helps moods since I was going so emotionally berserk with the guilt and the struggle of wanting more and wanting to be with this other guy and still not having him and yet being married.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

No real concern expressed for the man you took your vows with,only for you and other man.Terribly self-centered.

Maybe you can take time away from your concerns long enough to tell your husband and let him go.He doesn't deserve to be your back-up plan and has a right to choose the course of his own future.He doesn't really know the person he married,just someone he thought you were.Someone he could rely on and trust to take care of his heart through thick and thin.But well,you're really more concerned with the OM's heart.

All I can really say is the pain you're feeling over the OM is a mere reflection of the pain your husband will feel when he finds out the woman he thought he married is dead and gone and all because of you.


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## risenshine (Mar 12, 2012)

I come from a 'no divorce' culture and mind set.
My mom died at 54 in an abusive marriage..but would not leave.

I have realized that if I dont talk at all and just keep to the daily routine he is ok with things. So long as I want to talk about myself or my career or want anything more from him..he gets so impatient and rejecting.
Anyhow..I miss the feelings I felt with the other guy. It was awesome, even though he is a womanizer..I still felt the passion as never in my life before.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Let clear up this guy first. Having received no affection from your husband you latched on to the first guy that showed you some attention. He is done with you. You were his booty call and he got bored now. He is not in love with you or never was. he used you.


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## risenshine (Mar 12, 2012)

I realized that..but I still long for that passion I felt.
he is the ONLY man I slept with other than H in 18 yrs. It just makes me so sad.


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## risenshine (Mar 12, 2012)

...to realize that there is this in the world..and I can never have it!


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

First of all do not tell your husband anything about the affair. There is no reason. It just shifts your guilt if you have any to cause him pain. You probably need to find a new FWB if thats your intention or try and make the marriage work.If your husband is not willing to have sex with you then I think it is unreasonalbe for him to ask you to remain faithfull or married to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## risenshine (Mar 12, 2012)

my purpose for this post is not to get sympathy or flack..
but to figure out how I can move on.
I want to be with this other guy, but how?
Its a mess!
My marriage is ruined more than it was too.
What is the solution. I wonder a lot.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Everyone has an excuse for their cheating..yes it's always because something is wrong in the marriage but the problem is this..I wish I realised this before I had the EA. You should work on your marriage problems instead of looking to someone else for love. You should have went to marriage counseling first, then if it don't work out separation or divorce before even thinking about another man. Sigh..I sure wish I had my head on straight before I went and found my ex boyfriend. Hubby and I had alot of problems but now are reconsiling..thank God for him forgiving me when I know I'm undeserving of it. It takes a long time to repair that damage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

Risenshine,,,i sent you a pm. Did you get it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## risenshine (Mar 12, 2012)

I cannot ever do fwb..I get emotional and attached. I am a one man woman. I told this guy that and at that time he said..'lets not define it' and when he wanted to break off said ' I love my wife, not you. I defined it differently and you did it differently'
I dont want to tell H about it cause I dont want to cause needless pain..if at all..I have thoughts of telling this guy's wife about what he does.


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## risenshine (Mar 12, 2012)

..but thanks for the replies everyone. It feels good to talk about it even if there are no resolutions yet. It's a lonely hike otherwise.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

So he's married too? Wow. It seems to always land up these guys run away scared once anyone wants to get serious. I've seen this story time and time again on here. Sorry guys for saying this but 90 percent of men are total creeps!! Thank God I now have a great husband, he has changed alot, used to be angry all the time but not anymore, like you I thought he could never change but he is wonderful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

Risenshine-tam only allows 2 pms every 60 minutes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

risenshine said:


> Last year when I was feeling like I was sliding into this too strongly..I told H about him and that we ( the other guy and I )kissed. He did not want to know anymore. He does not want to know at all. I was struggling with the guilt at that point and wanted him to be there for me, but he is a workaholic..always has been. He refuses to even talk to me about me at all.
> 
> He refuses to divorce, unless I serve him papers of course..even then he will beg me to keep it together.
> For the kids..he says.


Your children will be better off with a split family thn with what is going on right now.

So what if he will not divorce you, using that as an excuse is just that... an excuse. If you don't want to be married to him divorce him. Go to an attorney, have the papers drawn up and serve your husband.

Your husband refusing to have sex with you is a form of emotional abuse. Instead of taking the dark road yourself.. the only real choice is to leave your husband and find a man who wants to be with you and have sex.

As for your on-line boyfriend. He's not interested in a real relationship with you. He's doing the internet thing where they have many partners and lie to all of them.

By th way... what does FWB stand for?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sometimes I wish waywards would post all the circumstances leading up to and including their present situation in their original post.As a responder I'm left with the choice of believing what the person says in following posts or deciding that the person is only qualifying their choices after the fact and strictly from a self-serving perspective.

Not saying that this is the case here,but how would I ever really know.Small frustration on my part I guess.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

risenshine said:


> ...to realize that there is this in the world..and I can never have it!


I am assuming that you live in the USA..


Why can't you have it? You are the only person standing in your own way of getting it. Why are you standing in your own way?


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

FWB= friends with benefits I think
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I could not live in a marriage where sex was not occurring. However, regardless of the details leading up to it you had an affair. It is wrong. You should have divorced first and then pursued another relationship. You have damaged yourself more by your affair than you did staying with an abusive husband. You need counseling and now. You let your husband abuse you and you let another man use and abuse you. You need to find some self esteem and get your head on straight before you even think of looking for love again. If you look now in your current state of mind what kind of love do you think you'll find?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

you really should tell the other man's wife. He's scum and she has the right to know what he is doing. She has the right to decide what she wants in her life.

Also, you need to be checked for STD's. This guy is a womanizer? No telling what he's carrying.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As someone who cheated on their spouse... Either fix your marriage or leave it. If you continue down this path, someone (or multiple someones) is likely to get hurt. 

As far as the kids are concerned, what kind of relationship are you teaching them is a "proper" marriage? One where the two people involved don't touch each other, kiss each other hello when they see each other, just "tolerate" each others presence? One where one person verbally and emotionally abuses the other? Do yourself and your kids a favor to educate yourself on how kids are affected by their parents dysfunctional relationships.

As far as your FWB, find other things to occupy your time. Take up a sport, a hobby, whatever you need to do. You will get over him over time.

C


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