# Frustrated and needing opinions



## keepontrucking (Sep 26, 2014)

First off i want to appologize for the spelling and grammer , im sending this from my Iphone and autocorrect is a pain.

So recently my wife of 25 years has within the past 3-4 months in my mind (being Petty about everything). We have had our issues as all married couples have had but its got to the point that i cant or dont want to even be in the same room with her. So heres where i ramble and would like some opinions from other couples on whether or not Im being too sensitive or if shes just plain losing her mind. The first scenario happened 3 days ago and she hasnt spoken to me since

I let my son borrow my car for the day last week, no big deal right? well I failed to mention i had loaned my car to him and she was on the phone with him and i hear her say when did you borrow your dads car. A few seconds later she snaps her head towards me and says when the $%#@ were you gonna tell me he borrowed your car?. I said whats the big deal, ,she says the big deal is you dont tell me and your hiding it from me.

Scenario 2:
We went shopping at big box store for 1 Item, and end up walking out with 400.00 worth of stuff. So i post on facebook " Go in for dog food come out with a kayak and a new TV dang you big box store". Again i dont mention it to her and she hears it from her sister about the funny post i made. Again the head snap and silent treatment for days. 

I wont even go into detail with me getting off work early (im in management and on a salary so i lose no money)

She has all my passwords to everything social including my work email at her request. I dont hide anything from her. Even though ive woken up at 3 am with her standing at my side of the bed scrolling through both my phones email and texts. 
What am i suppose to do? text her every moment im away from my desk in fear someone may see me in town and she will have to find from someone that i was in my work truck not at my desk. Call her when im stopping at the store to grab a pepsi? Im just at my wits end.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

keepontrucking said:


> I let my son borrow my car for the day last week, no big deal right? well I failed to mention i had loaned my car to him ... i post on facebook " Go in for dog food come out with a kayak and a new TV dang you big box store". Again i dont mention it to her ...


Have you had a habit over the 25 years of not telling her things? Sounds like she's at her breaking point with that.

You say she hasn't spoken to you since the last incident. Have you attempted to speak to her? What happened if/when you tried?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

There would only be one reason for your wife to be so insanely anxious about such details and that would be infidelity. 

Have you cheated on her before and gotten caught?

If yes, then I give her the right to be the way she is.

If no, then she's a controlling abuser and you have enabled her to abuse you.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Or she's just a complete control freak?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Your son borrowed the car? Who the F cares? She is out of line with that .....................entirely. Going to the store for dog food and coming home with a kayak is a different story and most men here in a good relationship would tell you that would not likely go over well at their household either. 

It does sound like there is a huge piece missing in this puzzle.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

maybe she cheated and now she is freaking out thinking that he is going to cheat on her? 

OP, do you have access to all her emails, social media, phone, etc? if not, i would be suspicious. she may be projecting her own guilt and shame onto you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

She is totally over reacting unless there is some additional justification. Have you kept important information from her in the past? Not like your son borrowing the car, but big stuff.


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## ThirtyYearsIn (Sep 20, 2014)

She sounds too sensitive. It could be projection. Maybe she kept something important from you and assumes you do the same to her.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

or she is cheating or has cheated. 

Go into stealth mode and look at al of her communications. If she won't let you see her email, tx etc, it a red flag and you need to know why.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

F**K her if she can't take a joke!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If she was not like this before, but has suddenly become like this, then something has changed.
Did something scare her? Is one of her friend's husbands cheating? Is one of her friends cheating?
Have you done something to make her think you might be cheating?
Is she cheating? Did she cheat? Was she on a slippery slope and got scared?
There are many questions and probably one simple answer.


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## keepontrucking (Sep 26, 2014)

Thanks for all the responses ill try to answer all the questions posted:
First off Thanks R3d for the bump

@sunvalley: 
Have you had a habit over the 25 years of not telling her things? Sounds like she's at her breaking point with that.
Possibly tiny things with no relevance simple things like stopping on the way home for coffee and not mentioning i stopped and she hears from someone i saw you husband at 7-11 and she will flip for me not saying anything.
You say she hasn't spoken to you since the last incident. Have you attempted to speak to her? What happened if/when you tried?
Yes i have she responds with one word comments and when shes like that its better to leave well enough alone.

@ synthetic:
Have you cheated on her before and gotten caught?
Never cheated, however i was married once before and had a daughter and i thing shes always had an issue that i had a life before her.

@ricky15100:
Or she's just a complete control freak?
This is the reason for my post, im trying to figure this out but im leaning towards YES

@RClawson:
Your son borrowed the car? Who the F cares? She is out of line with that .....................entirely. Going to the store for dog food and coming home with a kayak is a different story and most men here in a good relationship would tell you that would not likely go over well at their household either. 

It does sound like there is a huge piece missing in this puzzle.

She was with me when we went shopping and was involved in the decision. My point was i was joking on FB about how you can never go into this store without spending 10X what you expect, the issue she had was i did not inform her of the post.

Im not sure what piece you of the puzzle you would be reffering to.

@As'laDain:
maybe she cheated and now she is freaking out thinking that he is going to cheat on her? 
I dont see where she would have the time to cheat, we both work full time, theres no unaccounted for absent moments shes always been home within 5 minutes of getting off work and she does not work in a job where she can leave and she works with only women.

OP, do you have access to all her emails, social media, phone, etc? if not, i would be suspicious. she may be projecting her own guilt and shame onto you
She doesnt use facebook , yes i have access to her emails although i never look at them unless she asks me to get her something from one of her emails.Her phone always sits on the counter but again i never look at it. She doesnt try to hide anything when she gets a text or email or phone call.

@Thor:
She is totally over reacting unless there is some additional justification. Have you kept important information from her in the past? Not like your son borrowing the car, but big stuff.

Hmm i was trying to think back to see if ive kept anything from her and honestly cant think of anything big except when i surprised her with a new car and instead of being excited she flipped out because she said that she needed to be involved in this decision, which i agree with her on that but hey it was her birthday and i wanted to surprise her.

ThirtyYearsIN:
She sounds too sensitive. It could be projection. Maybe she kept something important from you and assumes you do the same to her.

Heres the funny thing this is only a one way street with her she doesnt tell me alot of things, minor things but it doesnt bother me, i dont care or need to know if she stops for a coffee on the way home. I totally 100% trust her

@CynthiaDe:
If she was not like this before, but has suddenly become like this, then something has changed.
Just the past few months, we did take in her niece and 3 kids which has increased the stress level
Did something scare her? Is one of her friend's husbands cheating? Is one of her friends cheating?
Not that i know of

Have you done something to make her think you might be cheating?
As of late im assuming she may think so, the recent checking of my emails,texts, standing over my shoulder whenever i look at my phone, the 3am phone checks.

Also about 10 years ago we went to a marriage counselor I had lost my job and was going nowhere and we were financially devastated for about 6 months, when we went to counseling she proceeded to argue with the therapist and disagreed with every point she made. She honestly didnt believe she was wrong in any way then and still believes that im the root cause of all of our issues, When shes not angry at me for something we have a wonderfull marriage and enjoy each others company and do a lot of things going out etc. It just seems shes getting angry more often lately.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

So don't ask us.......ask her. Quit tip toeing around her. Tell her you aren't going to put up with her attitude anymore and go and live your life. The power balance in your relationship is off. It needs to be closer to 50-50, and sounds like 75-25.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It is time to talk to her about her strange and rude behavior and ask her why she is behaving like this. Just listen to her. She is likely to blow a fuse and go off on you, but that should give you the information you need. You can process it and then decide what would be the best approach to deal with the problems.


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

RIGHT NOW is the time to try and talk to her about this change in her personality towards you. Something is triggering this for her. It may be quite innocent, but that--combined with changing hormones (you said married 25 yrs means she's, what--mid 40s at least?)--could mean she's just getting irrational moods. I know I've been more "paranoid" for a stretch of time....brought on by small things which in my mind became much bigger things. 

Maybe she's leery of her niece living with you? Younger woman, etc. You said that is the only big change in your lives. I'd start there and see if that's the root of it (NOT saying you've said or done anything! but that she might have started worrying about it too late to nix the niece moving in). 

Meanwhile, give her a dose of what she's asking for.....while she's watching her fav show or reading, tell her you're going to say hi to so-and-so on FB now. Tell her that you stopped for a red-light on such-and-such street. Tell her you're going to the bathroom now. Sorry......couldn't resist. Childish of me, I know


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## keepontrucking (Sep 26, 2014)

Tabitha said:


> RIGHT NOW is the time to try and talk to her about this change in her personality towards you. Something is triggering this for her. It may be quite innocent, but that--combined with changing hormones (you said married 25 yrs means she's, what--mid 40s at least?)--could mean she's just getting irrational moods. I know I've been more "paranoid" for a stretch of time....brought on by small things which in my mind became much bigger things.
> 
> Maybe she's leery of her niece living with you? Younger woman, etc. You said that is the only big change in your lives. I'd start there and see if that's the root of it (NOT saying you've said or done anything! but that she might have started worrying about it too late to nix the niece moving in).
> 
> Meanwhile, give her a dose of what she's asking for.....while she's watching her fav show or reading, tell her you're going to say hi to so-and-so on FB now. Tell her that you stopped for a red-light on such-and-such street. Tell her you're going to the bathroom now. Sorry......couldn't resist. Childish of me, I know


Tabitha, you may have just hit the nail right on the head, I didnt think of the 40 year mark, she just turned 42 Ive also noticed shes been complaining alot about her body, standing in the mirror looking in disgust at herself. Come to think of it the complaining of the body and the anger at me has all started at around the same time frame. Shes a beautiful woman and i think i just may need to tell her more often.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

> we did take in her niece and *3 kids *which has increased the stress level


Think this might be a stressor for her?
When was the last time you guys went out for just yourselves?

Also since she took in the neice...do you see her doing a lot more work, prepping dinners etc?

Sounds like she is doing the big time fry.


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## keepontrucking (Sep 26, 2014)

Think this might be a stressor for her?

Big time, diapers, kids, kids fighting, they are 6,9 and 2
When was the last time you guys went out for just yourselves?
Every friday but the topic of conversation always leans towards wanting our home back to ourselves or what i havnt told her 

Also since she took in the neice...do you see her doing a lot more work, prepping dinners etc?
Not really, i do 99% of the cooking, the niece usually cleans up after herself but not always.

As far as a younger woman in the house, we took custody of her at 10 and was with us until 18, she moved out for a few years and recently split with her husband and needed a place to stay, so nothing going on in that department


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Maybe she thought it was going to be easier or maybe she is simply "done" with raising children?

How long has the neice been there?
Any prospect of her getting out?


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## keepontrucking (Sep 26, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> Maybe she thought it was going to be easier or maybe she is simply "done" with raising children?
> 
> How long has the neice been there?
> Any prospect of her getting out?


shes been here about 4-5 months, we are both done with raising children but being the type of people we are we cannot turn away family in need, shes trying to find a place but is difficult because she is on section 8. i do believe the stress will be minimal when shes gone.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

keepontrucking said:


> shes been here about 4-5 months, we are both done with raising children but being the type of people we are we cannot turn away family in need, shes trying to find a place but is difficult because she is on section 8. i do believe the stress will be minimal when shes gone.


So I guess the best thing to do would be to set her down and ask her if she is aware that she has changed her mood and then ask if there is anything you caqn do to help her get back to a happy place.

Sounds like the chaos of the children is weighing on her.


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## keepontrucking (Sep 26, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> So I guess the best thing to do would be to set her down and ask her if she is aware that she has changed her mood and then ask if there is anything you caqn do to help her get back to a happy place.
> 
> Sounds like the chaos of the children is weighing on her.


I agree, about the children weighing on her, i have mentioned to her a couple of times about her mood and the usual answer when asked whats wrong is "nothing"
I just really think i need to be a little more understanding of her and go the extra mile due to all thats been going on with the kids and possible physical changes with her. I think rather than looking at it as her *****ing at me i need to look at it as a cry for help or just comfort.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Could it be that she is in pre-menopause? I remember when my mom was in her 40s she became a maniac overnight when pre-menopause started. Everything pissed her off, if you tried to talk to her then she became a crying blubbering mess. Then she would go back to being pissed off, then she would get happy. It was so hard living with her at that time (I was in my early 20s then).


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## keepontrucking (Sep 26, 2014)

JustTired said:


> Could it be that she is in pre-menopause? I remember when my mom was in her 40s she became a maniac overnight when pre-menopause started. Everything pissed her off, if you tried to talk to her then she became a crying blubbering mess. Then she would go back to being pissed off, then she would get happy. It was so hard living with her at that time (I was in my early 20s then).


menopause is what i was reffering to when i said physical changes but yeah this may be one of the issues


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

keepontrucking said:


> menopause is what i was reffering to when i said physical changes but yeah this may be one of the issues


It might help for her to see a doctor and have her hormonal balance checked out. She's obviously not happy. If you approach this from the attitude of wanting what is best for her, you, and your family that would probably help her to respond to your request more favorably.


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