# So desparate and untrusting tempted to try swinging



## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Ive had my heartbroken so many times int he past 10 years I have pretty much given up on love. BUt my need and desire to be close to someone is very strong (and was made even worse by last guy who opened all that up in me really strongly again). I am essentialy stuck in fight or flight pattern.

I am thinking about going to swinger parties as a result. I figure I can get sex and not have to worry about being misled.

I am a pretty open-minded person although its not my preference (id perfer to be in a relationship).. but is't been a year since I've had sex.

Think it's a good or bad idea?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

lotuslove said:


> I am a pretty open-minded person* although its not my preference (id perfer to be in a relationship)*.. but is't been a year since I've had sex.
> 
> Think it's a good or bad idea?


You already answered your question. If you do this, you're gonna hate yourself even more. Buy a vibrator if you have to, but don't do something that will destroy you in the process.

If you want just sex, do it on your own terms and one that will make you more comfortable. Don't compromise your values just to get some.

BTW, I did say buy a vibrator right? 

If I had a choice of having sex for the wrong reasons or masturbating I would chose masturbating. Although if I asked myself this question 15+ years ago, I would have probably had sex for the wrong reasons on the drop of a dime.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

I can do non-attached sex.. so long as it's only one time with a person (otherwise I risk getting attached).

Why not just eligible men? Tired of being played. At least in a sex-only environment you know exactly what to expect/not expect.

I'm also worried about disease though... are people screened at these things? 

Honestly if I get my heart broken again I think it will be the death of me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why not get a friend with benefits? I had one for a while (even though I dated others but didn't sleep with them). I knew he was safe, we were friends and had fun when we had our laissons. Then I met my husband and I never touched him again. He didn't mind, he is happily with someone now too.

I guess that takes a special type of person as well. He and I agreed in the beginning it wouldn't be romantic. We enjoyed each other's company, enjoyed painting together and the sex was really good.

We never got jealous, attached, etc. I dunno...it worked for me. I liked knowing I could trust him with my heart (being a good friend) and didn't have to worry about him not calling, etc. This lasted almost 2 years.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I do agree with White Rabbit. 

Just be clear and honest from the get-go.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

I cant do FWB thing... feels weird, unnatural, and there's always rosk of one developing feelings and head games. No thanks. Nope, I'm down to one-night stands now I think. Dont want to know their name or anything.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, no one night stands...holy no.

I've had a friend like White Rabbit's too LOL...man I sound awful....but...I didn't like sleeping with strangers so I always had my needs met while I dated others (without sex). Until I met my husband. After that, I just wanted him.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

I've heard nightmare scenarios of the FWB thing... and would be my luck to start falling for someone.

are you telling me most FWB work out ok?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Bookmarking this thread for future reference for when men get bashed for this same stuff ...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I've never bashed a man for doing this. As long as he's honest with his partner up front. What is the big deal?

The men who get bashed are the ones who lead women on to thinking he wants more just so he can get laid.

Men who are clear about expectations up front are ok by me.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

What she said. I essentially started this thread because I have been led on and cheated on by so many guys.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Lighten up folks.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lol Lighten up? It's hard to read sarcasm over the web especially on a site like this and 'man bashing'. lol. I don't bash men. I love men.

rawr.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> lol Lighten up? It's hard to read sarcasm over the web especially on a site like this and 'man bashing'. lol. I don't bash men. I love men.
> 
> rawr.


And I love women. I don't know when I am serious or joking myself half the time. I'll stop crashing the party.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

lotuslove said:


> What she said. I essentially started this thread because I have been led on and cheated on by so many guys.


Then you need to give yourself time to heal, seriously.

You said yourself you can't do fwb and you are totally getting a little out there when you talk about swinging because you said you can't do sex without getting attached. Nothing wrong with that at all, but don't fight it. 

Again........give yourself time to heal and in the mean time get a BOB. Battery operated boyfriend. They are awesome!

You really can live with sex, if you think you can't then that's a problem to. 

Use BOB to deal with the urges and get healed and healthy. Maybe also take a look inside on why you are picking unavailable men.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

There is a site that I highly recommend for women recovering from bad relationships. It's here.  There is some great stuff there, I've learned a lot.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

southernmagnolia said:


> There is a site that I highly recommend for women recovering from bad relationships. It's here.  There is some great stuff there, I've learned a lot.


Thanks SM... looks good.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What is your goal for swinging/sex parties? 

If it's to get laid, I am sure you can do that w/o having to go to a swing party.

If you are concerned about diseases I would NOT hit the swinging parties. If you are not a one-night wham/bam kind of gal, I would not suggest swing parties. If you are still mending your broken heart, I would suggest healing first before doing anything, no swing parties.

I just don't see how going to a 'swinging party' is going to make you feel better, heal your heart, make you happy if the issue lies with something totally different: feeling unloved/distrustful. Those are personal issues that need to be sorted out in your heart and mind and have nothing to do with going to a party with strangers and having sex, regardless of with whom.

Apples and oranges.

You said if your heart gets broken again, it will be the death of you. Word the wise: no it won't. Nobody has ever died because they had their heartbroken. Love is a leap of faith. Every time. And nothing lasts forever. Fact of life.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What is your goal for swinging/sex parties?
> 
> If it's to get laid, I am sure you can do that w/o having to go to a swing party.
> 
> ...


I miss sex and very lonely for that kind of contact (been a year now)... but dont want the BS that comes with it anymore.

Actually, there is a heart disease associated with heartache.. the heart actually changes shape during heartache. http://heartdisease.about.com/od/womenheartdisease/a/brokenheart.htm

And many older couples die just months after their partner does. Knowing myself I really do think another heartache would do me in.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Those older couples ethat die right after their spouse/partner does have usually been with said person for a LONG time. 

Nonetheless--heartbreak does NOT kill anyone. 

If you want to go to swinging parties, then go. Just don't think that is going to cure your broken heart/trust issues. 

Use protection.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

I'd prefer to just go to a club and pick someone up.. but that seems worse than a swinger party some how. Yes? No?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I wouldn't know. I've never picked someone up at a bar/club for a one night stand and never have attended a swinger/sexy party (nor would I ever).


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

I dont think I believe people can or even want to be monogamous anymore. My dream of meeting someone to share my life with the past 12 years has been dashed. I dont even believe in serial monogamy anymore. Every guy I've been with could not be faithful for even a year! Why bother? 

If people want to **** around a lot they should just say that. Our society sucks in that people can't just be honest... that's why the swinging lifestyle and one-night stands appeal to me more lately... at least no BS. Not my preference but at least I wont run the risk of being cheated on and disgraced again.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Here's been my situations the past 7 years. Went with a guy 3 years younger than me for 8 months.. told me he was thinking of us settling down toward the 8th month. Tried to log into my email account while he was in the shower one morning on his computer. His account popped up. Email from a female "friend" he'd mentioned but I;d never met was there with title "Dreamt about you last night" and talked all about how they've never slept together but he feels like he knows what it would be like now. Great. Was PISSED I looked at the email and dumped me.

Decided to date older guy thinking older more mature (LMAO!). He had been separated 3.5 yrs. 3rd month he started talking about a future together. I said "you get that divorce going or I'm outta here". Got the divorce going 2 weeks later (showed me proof). 8 months later goes to a wedding he didnt invite me to (made up excuse). Reunited with millionairre ex-gf he knew would be there. Informally proposed to her that weekend. 2 months later same scenario.. I try to log into my email on his computer and find emails from her. He's planning a future with her but she cant' be with him for a year (long story). He says he really loves me just got caught up in her $. Months later says he needs time (just as she's due to visit the area again I know from prior emails). I contact her and befriend her and we kick him to the curb together.

Dated another guy for about 8 months. He accidentally called me one day and asked for his (hit the wrong "last call" number) He had been trying to get back with her the whole time we were dating which was seeing each other about 4xs a week.

I continue going to club I frequent only to be bombarded by other issues. One of my best friends was daitng a married guy and no one supposed to know (not that I condoned it). He HITS ON ME one night while she's across the room!!! I am SO pissed I look at him and say “Aren't you dating (friend's name)?” He gets pissed at her that she told someone they were dating! :roll eyes:

A month later I join a band with a guy I've always wanted to work with... excellent musicians. His gf works at the club too. She broke it off with him 2 months prior. She and I have been friendly for years. Every time I go to the club she asks me if he and I are dating :roll eyes: He does seem interested and I tell him to leave me out of it. They get back together and both kind of blame me for starting trouble :roll eyes:

Another band, guy invites me to record originals at his house. Wife seems weird and makes some weird comment about cutting people while holding scissors. Later at a gig runs out crying after we do a duet. They started divorce about 5 months ago. She sent me an email threatening my life and telling me it's all because of me! I dont respond but call guy. He informs me she found an email he sent his brother months ago gushing over me :roll eyes:

I become a hermit at this point... only going out to perform and only talking to guy I met online who lives in another country. Meanwhile married couple I am living with, wife wishes she is single and trying to live thru me vicarisouyl and tries to make me lie all the time about she's been flirting with at clubs (and then some) to husband. 

Asked to join another band by latest loser.... and I think we all know how that went :roll eyes:


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

So because you've not been picking well, and gotten involved with people who don't respect boundaries you think that eliminating all boundaries will make you happy?

It's not that easy. And a flawed conclusion.

But I get the wanting to have sex. That is the most normal part of your wish. Find a way to get that I know you'll be happy.

The swinging? I doubt it.


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## chickie (Aug 26, 2011)

If you want to have sex with people you don't know and who won't try to get to know you then swinger's club is the way to go. Nobody will pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do so if you are unsure, just go and look around. You can always leave if it makes you feel sketchy. Do a little research though online if you can as some clubs are better than others. Most places are frequented by real couples and singles but some are frequented by prostitutes and older men. Often weeknights are the prostitute nights and weekends for the regular Joe's and Josephines. Of course it is not advertised as prostitute night. lol.
I don't see why you should feel bad about yourself for wanting to have sex without all the hassle and chit chat. You are a human being after all. As far as diseases, those places do keep lots of condoms around and everybody uses them. Most folks who go are normal people who also do not want to get diseases. If you decide to go, do it in the spirit of having fun and getting your jollies. Obviously it won't mend any broken heart, but it is fun and that doesn't hurt a damn thing.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

maybe try a christan dating site.

maybe in your next relationship have your boundries figured out and when they disrespect them send them packing.

one night stands and swinging probley will leave you feeling empty and less respect for your self.


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## moonshadegold (May 13, 2011)

You ever try dating a woman? I'm just saying. Strap ons are workable. Kidding kidding. I don't figure you are BI and I don't recommend it. Just pointing it out. 

I agree with chillymorn try a Christian dating website. Also yes work on your boundaries as much as you've been through some ****ty relationships and have dated ****s...remember REALITY CHECK you CHOSE them. Maybe your "type" of guy your choosing is the problem?

Do you even know what you want in a guy? And when you seek out guys are you just picking the ones that appeal to your wild side but are no substance? It doesn't make you a bad person just a person who is choosing poorly.

Also what state you live in and why the band dudes? Come to California and go to a Dungeons and Dragons meeting. Yea okay sounds retarded and it may not be your thing but you know what the guys at D&D are not cheaters I know for a fact. They may not be "handsome" but they are substance and are fun to talk with, be retarded with, they wouldn't have a problem with a one night stand. Disease more than likely they don't have any but hey demand they get tested beforehand if your worried.

Doesn't have to be Dungeons and Dragons. How about a yoga class? How about something you like. Take a class...meet a guy...do the nasty etc. Be smart though pay attention to what your choosing for your male partner. As much as I can say yea that sucks getting stuck with those ****s and going through what you've experienced...you need to take responsibility too for your part. The fact is you chose poorly and your taste in men needs improvement. 

Sex isn't everything. I know I know I have urges too. Sometimes it gets so bad I feel like I'm going to bone my chair. That's why I got a toy. Get several. You ever try reading or writing erotica? 

No, I'm not talking Danielle Steele EWW! I mean just take a look at Kushiel's Dart by Jacqueline Carey...that book mmm. Try J.R. Ward's Vampire series. You never know. 

Try masturbating in the car (well be safe don't get caught/seen). Try masturbating in a park at night behind a tree. Try masturbating for three hours then see if your still horny. Try playing World of Warcraft and doing the role play relationships...yes okay it sounds totally retarded and nerdy but hey its hard to get your heart broken when its not a real relationship. It fills your needs in a relationship without all the attachment and nonsense and it works for the immediate until you heal. Just don't let that be your only source of a relationship. 

Doing a swingers thing is retarded and immature. I'm just being honest. Those people have STDs, HIV (you never know), even worse vaginal infections such as yeast, scabies. Dude look up scabies...that is a sexually transmitted disease...well it can be. 

Its not worth risking your health just to satisfy a craving. No, don't do clubs...don't do swinger parties...no don't do one night stands. Again all ****ty, immature and dangerous to your health. Hey one night stand...who knows the guy could be a serial killer...I'm just saying. True, it could be like 1 in one million but you never know. 

Sex without attachment...that's not easy to achieve seriously. Its normal to attach...human beings weren't meant to be alone. 

Try working on your self. If you love yourself and figure out what is the type of guy you really want...and strive to pick guys that are of good standing and not these ****wads than your going to do well.

My Experience: Four years of marriage to a **** who cheated on me several times, beat me, emotionally abused me and before I left I discovered he had child porn so I had to report him to NCIS. 
In High school I was infatuated with a **** for three years...he toyed badly with my emotions. 

Sorry if this was like a punch in the face in some parts but sometimes you need a kick in the pants to incite you to change yourself for the better. 

Also you ever think you might have depression symptoms? Heartache is painful...feels so horrible to experience (I know, been there done that) but I didn't die from it. Are you having suicidal thoughts? Depression can be coloring your view of things and clouding your judgment. If I'm wrong then okay but just consider it is all I say. Consider you might be depressed. 

By the way I have been suicidal at one point in my life and I've had depression. I'm still here...and happier with life. I've recently had a ****ty bad day but I'm still here...and offering you support. Your not alone.


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## threedinmt (Jan 26, 2012)

do it with a married man such as myself, before we got married we went to the doctor to be determined disease free. If you can make the same claim to me I would be more then willing to make love to you, as my wife is suffering from lack of sexual desire


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

threedinmt said:


> do it with a married man such as myself, before we got married we went to the doctor to be determined disease free. If you can make the same claim to me I would be more then willing to make love to you, as my wife is suffering from lack of sexual desire


This is F'ed up on so many levels...

Anyway, lotuslove, you seem to be caught between extremes in your boundaries and probably because your desire is skewing your mindset. On the one hand you claim you don't condone things like your friend dating a married guy (showing morals) but then you're actually considering the idea of getting into group sex activities just because you have desire and are afraid of being hurt.

Stick to your morals first - If you weren't desiring sex so badly would you still be considering swinging? If not, then it's probably not a good idea for you now and will most likely make you feel 10x worse in the long run after you get your short term fulfillment from it.

I like the idea of Christian dating sites... could be a very good approach to finding someone with some serious values and morals that you can pour your heart and trust into and secure true love once and for all.

Nothing in this world is a guarantee, but the places you hang out and the friends you keep are factors you can control to create better surrounding environments for yourself. And better surrounding environments will likely yield a higher success rate as to what you're looking for out of life.

If you don't want your heart to get broken again, then take control of your dignity and find the inner strength within to pick yourself up, walk proudly, be sexy yet sophisticated, and find yourself a quality man starting in some quality places. Don't let this world steamroll you down - step in front of the steamroller with a shoulder-fired rocket and take that f*cker out.


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## Pixie (Jan 28, 2012)

lotuslove said:


> Ive had my heartbroken so many times int he past 10 years I have pretty much given up on love. BUt my need and desire to be close to someone is very strong (and was made even worse by last guy who opened all that up in me really strongly again). I am essentialy stuck in fight or flight pattern.
> 
> I am thinking about going to swinger parties as a result. I figure I can get sex and not have to worry about being misled.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mostlyhappy02 (Jan 27, 2012)

moonshadegold said:


> You ever try dating a woman? I'm just saying. Strap ons are workable. Kidding kidding. I don't figure you are BI and I don't recommend it. Just pointing it out.
> 
> I agree with chillymorn try a Christian dating website. Also yes work on your boundaries as much as you've been through some ****ty relationships and have dated ****s...remember REALITY CHECK you CHOSE them. Maybe your "type" of guy your choosing is the problem?
> 
> ...


Right on girl, right on. Same with you Bottled Up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rosie6996 (Feb 25, 2012)

Don't do it without taking a deep long look at the ramifications. 
I met a man, fell in love with him .. and did this, against all my inner voices screamin "this is not you" ... while it is easy to have sex with others, a little piece of your heart breaks every time. 

We did the couples swapping and 3somes. He, however -- started going on his own, with multiple women -- gone for hours and sometimes days at a time. 

Honestly, I was better off with my toys keeping me satisfied. 

Its a secretive, shameful world, the world of swingers -- we met some nice couples, but having anonymous sex .. not for me.


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