# Need a male prospective...



## shadeofgrey (Sep 8, 2012)

Here is a little background...we dated for 14 years and have been married a year. We have a child, and he has a child from a previous relationship. We live with his family. 

1. In hopes of getting back on our feet (after he had been unemployed for almost two years), we agreed last year we both should get a second job. This job would be to help pay off debt and create a savings to allow us to be in a position to buy a home and allow me to go back to school. I was able to find a job with in four months. He has yet to find a second job or look. I was suspicious of him looking after he said he applied at home depot. He lied. I knew because I could not find an account for him on the site. Before I confronted him, I ask a few questions about the application and what position he applied for, (hoping he would come clean). He never did. I finally left the website up showing there was no valid account. This occured almost 9 months later. For the first 8 months I only asked about the search once or twice a month. I am so tired of only pulling my share to obtain our goal of moving from his family's home. I find myself becoming very angry with him and loosing respect because I am the only one working so many hours. When I confronted him, he said he plans on looking for a full time job that offers overtime. Eventhough I told him...that isnt wise, he will be taxed so high it wont be worth working. He said that is his decision. I should just accept it. He feels after 9 months I shouldnt be on his case about the second job. I feel trapped and stuck until he wants to pull his share. 

2.) He consistantly wants to spend time at his friends house (down the street). He does not want to be at home because I nag. He has the type of job where he may get off at 11 am. He has the rest of the day free to himself. On those days, he does not clean, he will not take food out. Refer to 1. If I am working both jobs, I come home from my first job check my son's homework, and fix my dinner for work and leave back out to work a 5-7 hour shift. That is a 13-15 hour day. When I get so tired I am falling asleep driving, all I ask is that he help keep me awake when I am driving...he is too sleep to talk. Let alone, he does not want to spend any time with me. It is a hassle, between football every sunday, his other child, and then his habit to go to his friend's house to drink, family time, and my second job, we barely have any time for ourselves. I always have to plan, pay, and ask for the date. His idea of a date, is to stay home (with all his family) and watch a movie. I have to beg him or compromise to spend time together.

3) He says he is stressed. It frustrates me because he is not taking the initiative to get out of his own situation.

4) When I try to talk to him about a situation, he always says it is not the right time. If I ask him is there a better time, he says he doesnt know. I feel like I am set up to fail at every conversation because of this.

I have been the backbone, and now I need him to be the backbone.

I dont know what to do...my patience is at zero. I feel my time is not valued, I am not valued, and he can tell me anything and I am supposed to smile, ask him how was his day, fix his dinner, take care of our son, go to my two jobs...and say nothing else. 

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

How old are you guys? You dated for 14 years, so none of his behaviour should come as any surprise to you, no?


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## shadeofgrey (Sep 8, 2012)

we are in our 30's (early to mid)...yes and no. We went to counseling and things were better prior to marriage. I felt he gave me his word...I did my part by not nagging him (as I would have in the past)...so he should do his part.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He's lazy and you're nagging. Probably not a good match to be honest.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

You have known the man for at least 15 years. Has he changed a lot in those years? I think it should be obvious by now that he does not want to do the things you want him to do. 

Human nature is not to change unless it provides a benefit to the individual (If it ain't broke, don't fix it mentalilty). He is comfortable in his current position, whatever that is, and has no desire to change. No amount of nagging is going to get him to change his basic personality, you need to accept this as true.



shadeofgrey said:


> I have been the backbone, and now I need him to be the backbone.
> 
> I dont know what to do...my patience is at zero. I feel my time is not valued, I am not valued, and he can tell me anything and I am supposed to smile, ask him how was his day, fix his dinner, take care of our son, go to my two jobs...and say nothing else.


Obviously your husband is happy where you all are now, I can tell that you are not. I think at this point you need to look ahead and ask yourself where you want to go in life. Can you get there from where you are now with no changes on his part? Your answer should help you determine what to do. 

Although you have spent almost half your life with him, your best choice may be to proceed without him. It is a scarey thought, but you can make it on your own.


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