# Hello...I am the BAD GUY



## confused1011 (Aug 30, 2009)

Like so many of people on here I am CONFUSED!! Guess I am writing this for myself as well as for any of you that want to comment on it. I have been married to my wife for 5 years and dated her for another 5 years before that. We met in college and I tried to get her forever, after many tries we finally ended up together. Everything was great while dating and I could not wait to make her my wife…I proposed…we got married…things were great. Fast forward till about a year and a half ago. We both have WEIRD jobs with WEIRD hours. Mine in particular…I start early and get home late many days. She is back in school so she studies all the time and is in class.

I can’t give you an exact date or time…but gradually I have seemed to fallen out of love with my wife. She is a good woman she has never done anything wrong in our relationship. We have never fought…(which honestly I look back on and find kinda weird.) Well nothing major…just the normal things that couples go through. Over the time we have been working and going to school I just lost interest in her. My job became my life for better or for worse…(huh…that phrase sounds familier huh?) I just thought to myself that I DO love here but I am just busy at work, she is busy at school…so over time this will work out.

About 2 months ago my dad was diagnosed with Cancer and my eyes were opened to EVERYTHING. I realized I was unhappy, I realized I am not in love with here anymore. When dad was diagnosed it made me realize how short life is…how things can change in an instant. Realizing this I told her how I felt about the last year and a half and she felt blind sided…and I have to say rightfully so. She said she knew we were busy with our own things, but she never realized I felt the way I feel. I never want to hurt her because she is an amazing woman…such a good wife and so smart and inelegant…but I am just not in love with her any more…I love her and want to see her happy…and it kills me to do this…but I just feel I need to be happy. I do not want to lie to her and tell her that everything is ok if it’s not. She deserves better than that.

I have been emotionally messed up since I found out about my dad…I have made an appointment to talk to a therapist about all this…maybe that will help…but what if it does not? Doesn’t she deserve to be happy? Doesn’t she deserve to be with someone that loves her? (And by the way it bugs me to think of her with someone else…but I know in my heart it is the right thing to do. I can’t lie to her or myself. We both deserve better. We have been living apart for a few weeks now. I miss her but I am happier when she is gone…feels like a weight is off my shoulders. And maybe that’s because I do not have to deal with the situation when she is away.

There are a lot of little things that I am leaving out of this but I guess this is the jist. I feel like the BAD guy and in all actually I AM the bad guy because I am ruining her life by thinking of leaving her…but I guess I could ruin her life by STAYING with her too because it would be a lie to stay with her.
Huh…thoughts? Comments?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Food for thought...

You may feel better when she is gone because you are depressed and isolating yourself. 

Happiness is within yourself. You need to find out what makes YOU happy. Another person doesn't make you happy...what you do and how you do it makes you happy. Try serving others or fulfilling a passion that you have always wanted. Don't look toward your wife or anyone else for your happiness. This is my lesson learned.

You are going through a difficult time. Start working on yourself and taking care of yourself. Take action. It will always make your feel better.

Life is short. You are right and your Dad had given you a gift. However, depending upon others for your happiness will lead you to bitter disappointment.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> Food for thought...
> 
> You may feel better when she is gone because you are depressed and isolating yourself.
> 
> ...




you are so right !:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Seeing a therapist is a great idea, but I would not make any major decisions while you are in "crisis mode," which is likely the case b/c the news about your Dad is so fresh. I'm sorry to hear about his illness and pray for the best outcome. 

Give yourself time, lots of time, for now. Start making an effort to spend quality time with your wife--dating, in fact, if she is "up" for it. She should see a counselor too (and if she's in school, usually she can get no- or low-cost counseling at the college/university.)

Breathe slowly in and out, counting as you go, for a couple of minutes a few times a day. Really concentrate on the breathing and counting to get yourself focused. Set a time each time for 2-3 minutes. You will be amazed (maybe not at first) how quickly that time passes). It will help your concentration and focus and is something you should do for yourself forever! No hasty decisions, no hasty actions. Time will help you resolve this--with counseling, focus, and an open heart. Best of luck to you and your dad and all your family.


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## waterloo (Sep 2, 2009)

Wait a minute.... she is great and you care for her more than you care for yourself. 
As sisters359 said don't act in "crisis mode" and you should "breath".
If you still feel that she is your friend then rely on her now to be your friend. Forget love, marriage and all of that. Some times you just need a friend and that is ok.


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## Boucaques07 (Sep 2, 2009)

You are scared because your dad has cancer. If you truly didn't love your wife you wouldn't care that she's hurting. The one person in this world that you need the most right now is the one person you are trying to push away. Buy her some flowers, clean the house, do the laundry, and stop being an idiot.


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## waterloo (Sep 2, 2009)

Boucaques07 said:


> You are scared because your dad has cancer. If you truly didn't love your wife you wouldn't care that she's hurting. The one person in this world that you need the most right now is the one person you are trying to push away. Buy her some flowers, clean the house, do the laundry, and stop being an idiot.


I wouldn't phrase it the same way, but ya.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

confused1011 said:


> We both have WEIRD jobs with WEIRD hours. Mine in particular…I start early and get home late many days. ?


This is a major physiological issue that will wreck your body and mindset. Any sort of overwork, and especially shiftwork will eventually make people start to have a breakdown, and can even turn into psychotic episodes if pushed far and long enough.

Obviously you have a natural attraction to your wife. I would think that you have lost that feeling simply because overall you are starting to shutdown from stress.

I would not make any drastic relationship changes right now, but take it as a warning sign and find ways to rebalance your work and life.

I have little doubt that if you and your wife split, then you took some time off, your love for her would flood back into you, and you would greive for what you did when you were simply overtired.


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## havaheart (Aug 22, 2009)

My husband has told me that he loves me and cares for me but is not in love with me. My heart was torn from my chest. I am a good mother and wife but he says he is not interested in me anymore. I can not describe the pain that I have been through in the past 8yrs. My father-in-law also has cancer and I know the pain that this causes. I agree get counselling. You have allready told her how you feel and you are seperated so you have allready started a very painful process. As a spouse on the other side I can tell you that staying married to someone you are not in love with will only hurt her more, children make it worse. Talk to a counsler, if you truelly feel this way please let her go. Just beware, if you are wrong and you are in love with her it will be to late. If it's not allready...


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Please see a therapist before making any rash decisions. Lack of quality sleep, opposite schedules, and a sick father...all spell some serious crisis issues in your life that can trigger a situaltional depression and really do a number on your outlook on....everything.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I kind of agree with those who say happiness is within yourself - Having been the person who has been blindsided I can say it is truly horrible - my husband said a lot of the same things to me and then left me. I kind of thought if at least he'd been able to give me a tangible reason I'd feel better about things - in the end I guess you'll do what you want to do - this may be a bitter pill to swallow but saying to someone I am leaving you so that you can also be happy with an imaginary person in an imaginary future is BS. Nobody knows what the future holds - if you want to leave leave but I think it is particularly cruel to suggest to your 'life-long partner' that it is all for best - they are entitled to their own opionion and if she is hurting like hell then I am guessing that it is not the future that she banking on....
once again sorry for my harsh words - but it just sounds so painfully familiar.....


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Also, once again sorry to be brutal - but could one of the little things that you are leaving out be around someone whom you've met who you imagine may bring you happiness? Many excuses if I am off the mark here -


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