# So now what? (How to Secretly Get Ready To Separate?)



## MollyMcBudda (Jan 31, 2012)

I have been considering leaving the father of my child for as long as we have been married ( coming up on 2 years). 
I have established that he is emotionally, verbally abusive and has been physically abusive before the baby.
The baby is almost a year and a half old.

I am currently a stay at home mom. I have been doing a little interviewing but nothing has come of it. 
My husband has left us financially bankrupt, essentially. We have no money to speak of. 
Although my car is paid off from before the marriage and I am debt free. 
He gives me money here and there to buy diapers and such but I don't have access to the money whatsoever. SO I have been taking a little out of that every time...but it's nothing, it's like $200.
He has already refused counseling and I asked him to leave and he said that I would be the one that needs to leave the apartment. (His parents own the building).

So...how do I prepare to leave him? I was thinking of having a garage sale and pocketing all of the money from that. But I will near an apartment need my parents home and a job.

Tell me how you were able to accomplish leaving?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Can your parents help you? A place to stay for awhile, paying a lawyer's retainer to get a support agreement in place, money...

And make getting a job a "full time job". As in, put in the same kind of effort you would in working into getting a job.

C


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## lady1 (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree that staying with friends or family is probably your best bet. It is okay to ask them for help. If you don't have any loved ones, there are resources available to abused women in many communities. They often have shelter, job search help, and counseling. 

Once you are in a safe place, then you need to focus on getting a job.


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## MollyMcBudda (Jan 31, 2012)

It really isn't in the cards for me to stay with family unless I move myself and my child out of state. My mother lives in another state in a town that is severely depressed and I feel that if I moved in with her it would be digging myself into the hole even deeper because I wouldn't be able to find a job that would support us.

I was also thinking that I need to get a will and a trust going for my child. Like I said, he has been abusive. And leaving him, I am not sure what he might be capable of, to be honest.

The rest of my family would take me in, but while they are close in location, they are judgmental, and will judge me on the failed marriages of my mother and grandmother.
Do you happen to know WHAT resources or how to find these resources for abused women?

I really want to hear other people's experiences with this...I wish more people were posting their own stories. 

Thanks for your replies!


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

When I left my ex (we weren't married, thank goodness), I did it the hard way, and struggled for a year being homeless and living out of my car, finding a job and eventually my own place to live. Obviously I wouldn't recommend that method with children, so in addition to putting away money and the garage sale I would also keep the numbers and locations of women's shelters handy, start keeping extra clothes for you and the kids (as well as other needed supplies - canned food, utensils, diapers, for example) in the trunk of your car, since you may not know exactly when you will need to leave. Having friends and family who can help you when you do is also extremely helpful. Seek out state programs that may be able to aide you with childcare, employment, shelter and food.

Wishing you the very best - I know it was difficult for me, I can only imagine how hard this will be for you... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

What resources - go to your local income support division and talk to them about food stamps, food banks and get on the waiting list for housing assistance (do it now, it often takes over a year for approval in many places). I see you have access to the internet, and this will be very helpful - you can google women's shelters in your city, and if not, calling the local police department's non-emergency number you can obtain many references to resources there.

In acts of physical violence you really need to follow up on reporting the crimes to authorities and holding him accountable for his actions. It's going to be HARD. The first few times I felt GUILT even though I was taking a stand for myself. Get a victim's advocate after dealing with the police, they can help you find one, and they are extremely helpful in finding you counseling, shelter and other programs to educate and help you.

I've been through it all - the most important thing to do is to keep looking at the future when the going gets tough. Your baby will thank you for this later in life! Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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