# Dealing with lust and love



## xitinglife

Well, I am not really sure how to begin. There is no long story behind it. It is quite banal, in fact. I am married (for 9 years), with two kids. My wife has been wonderful in every way - she cares about me, she cares about our family, she is devoted and faithful. I have been too. The issue is...well... I seem to have fallen in love with the pastor's wife. That's right - the pastor of our church is married, with children, and I lust for (or am in love with?) his wife. There is absolutely no reason for me to believe that she (the pastor's wife) feels the same about me (to any extent), but that's beyond the point. 

How do I deal with it? I am an established man, highly educated, married, professionally employed, and like to believe that I'm a good person in general. However, all I can think of is her... the woman I am unlikely to ever be with, but can't stop thinking about. If you ever found yourself in a similar position, how did you deal with it?


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## Faithful Wife

The answer is actually pretty simple but you probably won't want to do it.

You simply must push every thought of this woman out of your mind. You should change churches, at least for the foreseeable future, and never see her anywhere. (You don't have to make it clear she is why you are changing churches). You should actively resist ever sexually or romantically fantasizing about her. At first, this will be hard, because you've likely already let your mind wander down some long paths with her in your mind, and you like that feeling. It seems harmless, no actual words are being spoken, 'it's not really cheating", etc. But by having this type of fantasy, you are just conditioning yourself to be more and more infatuated with her. And the happy chemicals that get released when you do this will help you justify doing it in your mind. But you KNOW it is wrong, because you feel it in yourself already now. So stop thinking of her, delete her from facebook or any other places, stop going to that church. Stop contact with anyone who is in association with her (at least for a time until you get over this).

Listen to what your gut is telling you....this isn't right. It is not leading you toward your best path. It is something that has taken over and you don't feel in control of yourself.

Love or lust...no, just infatuation. Sure that may also stir lust but who cares, we can feel lust for thousands of people in our lifetimes, it isn't special. Only when you are adding your infatuation to it does it seem like something special. So you are attracted to her, ok, that in itself is innocent. Now learn to take your mind off of her for any reason, even though you are simply attracted to her, that doesn't mean any additional thought should be spent on her. 

It will take time and effort at first and you will have to keep reminding yourself to stop thinking of her. But the more you do this, the less you will think of her. Stay diligent with your own mind and thoughts. Realize that the same mind and thoughts will take over your whole life in an instant if you do not decide and commit to changing these thought patterns. Your mind is a tricky place. You can't always trust it. You definitely cannot trust it when it is leading you down a path that doesn't feel right in your gut.

What has happened is that you developed a crush that then went too far in your head. This is pretty natural and normal and can affect people quite strongly. But you must see it for THIS, for what it is, and not let your mind try to convince you that there is "more" to this. There isn't. She is simply one of thousands of women you have and will be attracted to in your lifetime. That's it. There is no connection. There is no meaning to it. There is no fated running away together after declaring each other soul mates.

Now about your marriage....tell us more. Your wife is lovely and faithful and so are you. What else? Do you have a fun marriage? Do you still date each other? Do you have a good sex life?


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## Lostinthought61

They say the difference between love and lust is 90 days.


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## uhtred

It is very likely that you are not in love with the pastor's wife. You are in love with your fantasy of her. BIG difference. You say that you have no reason to think she feels the same about you - so that means you haven't had any close intimate conversations. 


These sort of feelings happen. Some women (or man) seems attractive. You don't know much about them, so you start building up a fantasy to fill in the gaps. You fall in love with this imaginary person you have created.

If you left your wife and ran off with this woman, you would almost certainly find out that the unknowns about here are NOT what your fantasy has provided. The reality of dates, and passionate sex would fall far short of the fantasies you have generated.


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## Komatsu430

They say grass is always greener on the other side... then you get run over by a truck crossing the road. As a man of faith you just need to pray for forgiveness, and forgive yourself.


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## Komatsu430

If you have never been the victim of infidelity, take it from me, it's painful. You can't get that picture of your partner with someone else out of your head. Go look at your children, and hold your wife close. You have more to lose than you could ever gain. You don't want to do that to you kids or spouse. I agree, change church. Make your family your priority. And be honest with your wife. If she is a true believer, she will forgive and you can move forward.


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## aine

What exactly is it about her, her appearance, how she talks, etc. Whatever it is, look for those things in your wife and stop the ruminating on another woman. As a christian you know that it is a sin to look lustfully at another woman.


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