# Wifes attitude to working late - no win for me!



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Probably mentioned before but I work short contracts. Its good money but sometimes the hours can be long as well as the commute.

We've got an 8 month old baby. Wife has been ill for months now - its an ongoing thing where she gets tired etc and has trouble getting around. Not great when you've got a baby to look after.

I fully appreciate that looking after a baby is not easy even more so when shes ill.

Currently, I'm doing a contract that allows me to get home by 5-30pm. This is the exception not the norm. Trouble is the money is poor by normal standards.

I've got chance of a contract that is double the money. But I've been trying to explain that I'll see how it goes and it may be OK but theres a chance I might not be home so early if I take this. I've even offered to stay where I am if its easier for her.

Trouble is she wants me to take it - for the money. But then she says she won't be happy if I'm home late and that I should tell them I can't work late. Jeez- it just doesnt work like this!

We've had loads of arguments about this because I think shes being unfair and putting pressure on me and wants it all ways. She says because shes ill its obvious she wont be happy if I've got to work late.

As I said, I appreciate its tough for her now and its not cool if I have to work late but I don't know how many times I can take the moaning when all I'm trying to do is earn some money for us all.

Or should I just think, shes not herself, shes ill, do my best not to work late but the be nice to her when it does happen?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You two need to be on the same page. You need to work together.

What is her illness? What are her symptoms?

I would sit down with dw and thoroughly discuss the options. 

Honestly, with resolution of her illness, and some support, she would probably let you work more, which would ease both of your financial worries.

You need to exercise some leadership. You need to thoroughly explore your options, not only financially, but in terms of her health. And you both need to be open to hearing "No."


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

jld said:


> You two need to be on the same page. You need to work together.
> 
> What is her illness? What are her symptoms?
> 
> ...


Sort of like rheumatoid arthritis. Joints swell up etc so its painful and hard to get around. 

Waiting to see specialist at the moment. Its been ongoing since she had the baby.

I have sat down and talked. I've offered to stay where I am and work for lower pay if its easier. But she wants it all it seems.

She seems to think I've got to go out to work and then be available when she wants too.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

My sister had this. She completely changed her diet, dropping all animal products, plus oil and wheat, and her pain and stiffness stopped within days. She basically eats sweet potatoes, brown rice, and various vegetables and fruits. It is a limited diet, but she really appreciated getting rid of the pain and stiffness.

Do you think your wife would be willing to do this?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

If she would change her diet, I can almost guarantee she would feel better. I have read many testimonies of people recovering from RA with a change in diet, and my own sister is an example.

When she feels better, and gets some social support, you will be free to work the hours you need to achieve the goals the two of you have set.

But you still need to exercise leadership. Guide the discussions towards wise decisions, decisions that will benefit you both long term.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Why do so many women love making no win scenarios for their men?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, how much fun to be around are you when you're ill? I ask because if you're like most folks, being sick - particularly if you're in pain - probably makes you short-tempered, impatient, and kinda grouchy. Your wife's been sick and in pain and dealing with an infant - all post-partum - for 8 months now. I'm guessing she's probably spending a lot of her time pretty close to the end of her tether. 

What I am hearing is that yes, she knows your family needs the money. But that she also really hates the idea of having to give up more of your time together as a family to get the extra money. I'm assuming she isn't suffering from some sort of intellectual deficit, so she probably knows that both the money and having you home early aren't both going to be possible right now. Perhaps what she's really looking for is some reassurance that you understand her position, understand that things are hard for her right now, and that you also wish that it was possible to have both a better schedule and more money. Don't let her get away with being nasty to you, but I would suggest commiserating about the suckiness of the situation while also being as optimistic as possible about this being short term, eventually finding a solution that allows both a family life and livable income, the baby eventually not needing so much from her, and her doctor's soon figuring out how to help her get better. She's overwhelmed, and she needs you to help provide some reassurance that his difficult time will pass.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

jld said:


> My sister had this. She completely changed her diet, dropping all animal products, plus oil and wheat, and her pain and stiffness stopped within days. She basically eats sweet potatoes, brown rice, and various vegetables and fruits. It is a limited diet, but she really appreciated getting rid of the pain and stiffness.
> 
> Do you think your wife would be willing to do this?


Sounds really tough :-(


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> Or should I just think, shes not herself, shes ill, do my best not to work late but the be nice to her when it does happen?


As is almost always the case, more money = more responsibility...more responsibility means more time dedicated to the work...My DW has the same issues, but I'm now 45, still have children to raise. The tradeoff is always more money and less time or less money more time. I've sacrificed MANY jobs as I'm not willing to sacrifice my family for money. I can always replace the cash, I can't replace my family.

This is where I think you just need to do what YOU think is right. No matter what, there will be fallout.

Remember, it is ONLY MONEY...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> Sounds really tough :-(


It is, but it allowed her to avoid ending up in a wheelchair. She was able to keep working full-time as a nurse, which not only provided income, but contributions to her retirement fund.

Life requires some sacrifice. Good health does, too.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Maybe her objective is neither money nor having you home. Maybe her real goal is drama. Your situation may just seem like a no-win, but either way you turn, it'd be a win if it gave her an excuse to wear her butt for a hat for a little while. Mine is like that. She actually enjoys fussing and she wouldn't be happy any other way. If she didn't have a reason, she'd have to create some. Because I'm a good and loving husband, I give her things to complain about so she'll be happy.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Again, Bob, if your wife did not have the pain and fatigue, she could do the job of baby care 12 hours a day pretty well (provided she has some social support, like friends, neighbors, family -- she cannot just stay alone in the house all day with the baby). You could be freed up for work.

If you go the traditional med. route, don't expect her to get better. Expect things, at best, to progress more slowly. She will still have the pain and the swelling and the fatigue. And you will be asked to help ever more. And there will still be the need for money. And there will still be the frustration of DIY projects all around.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

john1068 said:


> This is where I think you just need to do what YOU think is right. No matter what, there will be fallout.


This is right. The thing to do is to make a choice and accept the consequences. If she's going to be unhappy either way, choose what you think is best for you and your family. She may have an easier time dealing with it than you think, and may just be expressing her anxiety over something that hasn't happened yet.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Yes, John, but he wants to make an informed choice, right? A wise decision?


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

jld said:


> Yes, John, but he wants to make an informed choice, right? A wise decision?


I know this choice well...I'm the breadwinner in my family, my DW is a SAHM. Informed choice? Of course. I presume that as the breadwinner here, OP has all the parameters of the contract, and can extrapolate from the terms of that contract what it will take to perfect it. 

OP's W knows that i) it will pay twice what today they earn, and ii) that it will take the OP away from the family for considerably more time VS i) the status quo.

What's _best_ for their family unit? If the W is waffling, then I'd take that as her just expressing her anxiety about the _COST_ of the job...the income is known, while the cost, measured in loss in family time, is unknown. This pitted against the obvious benefits of the contract...money. Which can be used to buy things DW wants for herself or her family...

I'm right now unemployed 6 weeks. I have a solid offer in my hands. It pays huge money...like life changing big money. However, it requires that I move to Dubai, I now live comfortably in Georgia (the state). What's best? waiting for another offer to come that will certainly pay much less? I do have a house payment, car payment, etc...so I can't just easily say no to the offer - I have obligations. 

What I, and the OP, have to consider is what serves the family unit best...and it is NOT always money. Sometimes it is, and the sacrifice is worth it. But when one has a SAHM, her relative comfort of not having to work for money is provided for by the one who does make the money. So I believe that the greater responsibility for making the decision falls heavier on the breadwinner than on the SAHM...

Somebody has to take charge. Alpha is better than Beta in this situation, IMHO, OP's in the position to make the decision on behalf of the family. Tough choice.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Exactly john. There is no perfect or "best" choice here, or not one that you can be sure of. He just has to make the choice and live with it, and if he takes the lead on that then his wife will probably get more comfortable with it too.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would take the job in Dubai. Your family will grow from the experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

bob1471 said:


> Currently, I'm doing a contract that allows me to get home by 5-30pm. This is the exception not the norm. Trouble is the money is poor by normal standards.
> 
> I've got chance of a contract that is double the money. But I've been trying to explain that I'll see how it goes and it may be OK but theres a chance I might not be home so early if I take this. I've even offered to stay where I am if its easier for her.
> 
> Trouble is she wants me to take it - for the money. But then she says she won't be happy if I'm home late and that I should tell them I can't work late. Jeez- it just doesnt work like this!


Don't know what line of work you're in, but when I was contracting (IT), superior performance translated into great leverage. If they LOVE you they might submit to your terms just to keep you. 

When it's time to extend the contract and you say that you are considering another offer, your bargaining position becomes much stronger.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Maybe her objective is neither money nor having you home. Maybe her real goal is drama. Your situation may just seem like a no-win, but either way you turn, it'd be a win if it gave her an excuse to wear her butt for a hat for a little while. Mine is like that. She actually enjoys fussing and she wouldn't be happy any other way. If she didn't have a reason, she'd have to create some. Because I'm a good and loving husband, I give her things to complain about so she'll be happy.


I often wonder that. Sometimes she seems to be in such a mood that shes not happy until shes caused some drama and dragged everyone down to that level.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Don't know what line of work you're in, but when I was contracting (IT), superior performance translated into great leverage. If they LOVE you they might submit to your terms just to keep you.
> 
> When it's time to extend the contract and you say that you are considering another offer, your bargaining position becomes much stronger.


IT for me too.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Well, we had a chat last night to try and sort things out. I said I knew it was tough and I'd do what she wanted i.e. I wouldnt take something else if it meant she struggled.

She said she wanted me to take the one that was better paid and she'd be ok. Shes said this before though and I pointed this out. Then when it comes down to it she causes a drama. I pointed out this was not fair on me.

Her argument is that, yes she knows I've got to work, and sometimes its tough. But then when I work late she doesnt see why she cant tell me this and moan about it rather than lie and tell me its ok when its not. And that I jump down her throat if she even moans a little..

Maybe she has a point and I should just listen and put up with it. Its tough though - in the past I've had here crying on the phone as I'm driving home an hour away.

Maybe I'm after the perfect situation where I go to work, put up with the stress there and then come home and everyones happy.

Saying that, in the past, wife has definitely crossed the line sometimes with the moaning and I've got the 'blame' for being in work.....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

What did she say about changing her diet?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> She said she wanted me to take the one that was better paid and she'd be ok. Shes said this before though and I pointed this out. Then when it comes down to it she causes a drama. I pointed out this was not fair on me.
> 
> Her argument is that, yes she knows I've got to work, and sometimes its tough. But then when I work late she doesnt see why she cant tell me this and moan about it rather than lie and tell me its ok when its not. And that I jump down her throat if she even moans a little..
> 
> Maybe she has a point and I should just listen and put up with it. Its tough though - in the past I've had here crying on the phone as I'm driving home an hour away.


She does have a point, in a way. In my experience, women just feel a stronger need to "vent" then men, just to let out their emotions. I don't always understand it, and sometimes I even find it annoying, but I find the best thing is just to let them do it, lend a sympathetic ear, and don't assume they want you to change something just because they are expressing unhappiness.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

John Lee said:


> She does have a point, in a way. In my experience, women just feel a stronger need to "vent" then men, just to let out their emotions. I don't always understand it, and sometimes I even find it annoying, but I find the best thing is just to let them do it, lend a sympathetic ear, and don't assume they want you to change something just because they are expressing unhappiness.


My husband will actually ask me. What do you need right now? Do you need me to contribute to the solution of a problem or do you just need to be heard and understood?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> My husband will actually ask me. What do you need right now? Do you need me to contribute to the solution of a problem or do you just need to be heard and understood?


Hey, I might try that one. I'm impossibly dense about this. I'm a "solver" by instinct.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

BTW another thing I've realized is that sometimes when my wife calls me at work to complain about her day, what she's really saying is "I miss you, can you come home a little early?" And then it suddenly doesn't seem intrusive but sweet. So if you choose the more demanding work situation, do lots of things to show her you love her and miss her.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Take the higher - paying gig, but set aside a portion of the extra pay (One-quarter, maybe) for budget to bring in help. Let her have complete control over this budget. 

Budget could be applied to paying for flights to bring MIL in town for a couple weeks. Or could be just to bring in baby-sitter for two-hour relief every couple of days. Or could be applied to maid - if she's feeling pressure for keeping up house and baby. 

Essentially, acknowledge that she has tough job made tougher by your career choice. If your career choice creates more revenue, it should create more resources that she should be able to use to offset some of the added burden on her.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I know little about your line of work, but if at all possible I would get away from working via contracts and try to find something more steady. Maybe that's not feasible at this time due to the push by many companies to outsource IT to third parties. But couldn't you latch onto an IT service provider company where you can go to a regular job still? 

My BIL works for a small IT company where small companies outsource their IT needs to them. I know he's not paid a whole lot for this type of work, but as John indicated earlier in the thread that you need to figure out the tradeoff. 

And John, I would not take the job in Dubai - assuming it would be only you relocating. Life changing money no doubt, but it could also be life changing in other ways too. I know you've heard and thought about this already. I'm sure you'll make the best choice for your situation.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

John, your family would move with you to Dubai, right?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I would not dismiss how your wife feels about this.

My mom died at 37 (I was 13) due to complications due to rheumatoid arthritis. RA is not like typical arthritis. Most people assume it is due to the word arthritis being in the name. It's a systemic, life-long illness that causes the body to attack itself as if there are problems. It is immensely painful (I still remember my mom screaming in agony over the physical pain) in the night. My mom was also on a c0cktail of drugs, steroids painkillers et al. All of my childhood she dealt with flares and remissions so there will be times where she is able to do things like any other healthy person and times where it will be extremely difficult to do the basics.


Money is not the most important thing. I couldn't imagine going through an RA flare and having to care for a very dependent 8 month old baby. I have an almost 18 month old baby and still couldn't imagine having to deal with that. Please take your wife's pain seriously. I don't think she's over-exaggerating, having spent my childhood witnessing it and caring for my own mom.

Do what's right for the marriage and support your wife.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

John Lee said:


> She does have a point, in a way. In my experience, women just feel a stronger need to "vent" then men, just to let out their emotions. I don't always understand it, and sometimes I even find it annoying, but I find the best thing is just to let them do it, lend a sympathetic ear, and don't assume they want you to change something just because they are expressing unhappiness.


I think maybe your right. I think thats what shes trying to say. I.e. I understand it might happen and its not your fault but I still want to vent about it.

My trouble is I take it personally and think, Jeez, what do you want me to do about it?

She says that its not fair that shes not even allowed to mention it and tread on eggshells and even lie that shes ok when shes not.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I know little about your line of work, but if at all possible I would get away from working via contracts and try to find something more steady. Maybe that's not feasible at this time due to the push by many companies to outsource IT to third parties. But couldn't you latch onto an IT service provider company where you can go to a regular job still?
> 
> My BIL works for a small IT company where small companies outsource their IT needs to them. I know he's not paid a whole lot for this type of work, but as John indicated earlier in the thread that you need to figure out the tradeoff.
> 
> And John, I would not take the job in Dubai - assuming it would be only you relocating. Life changing money no doubt, but it could also be life changing in other ways too. I know you've heard and thought about this already. I'm sure you'll make the best choice for your situation.


I could and would if she wanted me to. BUt income would be halved and I guess she doesnt want that.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> I think maybe your right. I think thats what shes trying to say. I.e. I understand it might happen and its not your fault but I still want to vent about it.
> 
> My trouble is I take it personally and think, Jeez, what do you want me to do about it?
> 
> She says that its not fair that shes not even allowed to mention it and tread on eggshells and even lie that shes ok when shes not.


Does she have friends and/or family she can vent to? I see what everyone is saying about taking care of her, but it seems like you are between a rock and a hard place. 

She is complaining about things you can do nothing about. It's normal that you feel frustrated and on the defensive.

Maybe the next time she complains, you can just say "What can I do to make you feel better?' At that point, she will probably realize that you are doing the best that you can already!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

MarriedTex said:


> Take the higher - paying gig, but set aside a portion of the extra pay (One-quarter, maybe) for budget to bring in help. Let her have complete control over this budget.
> 
> Budget could be applied to paying for flights to bring MIL in town for a couple weeks. Or could be just to bring in baby-sitter for two-hour relief every couple of days. Or could be applied to maid - if she's feeling pressure for keeping up house and baby.
> 
> Essentially, acknowledge that she has tough job made tougher by your career choice. If your career choice creates more revenue, it should create more resources that she should be able to use to offset some of the added burden on her.


:iagree:

Our situation is different I know, but I'm a SAHM to my stepdaughter who we have 50% of the time...after working full time for over 20 years and then helping mum care for dad before he died I was exhausted. I don't want to work outside the home anymore. I'm so lucky and grateful that my darling husband allows me to do this. I thank him often 

I hope your wife appreciates you and your efforts OP...and that isn't meant to downplay her illness one bit...RA is horrendous, I've seen it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

bob1471 said:


> Probably mentioned before but I work short contracts. Its good money but sometimes the hours can be long as well as the commute.
> 
> We've got an 8 month old baby. Wife has been ill for months now - its an ongoing thing where she gets tired etc and has trouble getting around. Not great when you've got a baby to look after.
> 
> ...


As a contract worker mom with two kids I tend to take the better contracts with good working conditions and more money and at those times line up good quality child care help at home. 
It's worth the extra money, and worth the extra help. 

I had a kid who needed a lot of hands on due to a disability and also a little toddler besides. Some work I can do at home while watching kids but the more complex work I always got someone to help. 

It takes the stress off and when you have less stress you can do a better job. Also, what is the money for if not for taking care of your family? If there are longer hours with better money and your wife needs help, what's the issue? If your wife is not in good health to begin with and you are the worker, then it makes good sense in the long term to make sure your child is familiar with another care giver, just in case your wife is 100% down and out and you need a care giver for your wife and your child. It's always good sense to have more than one person on board to help with a baby, and with someone who tends to be ill. Otherwise you're just in constant stress mode, one illness or incident away from having work life (and rest of life that rely on finances) fall apart.

You can deduct child care expenses while you're working, whether or not wife is at home while care giver is there. 
Tax arrangements may vary, investigate the paperwork.

These days life is easier for me. My kids are older and the one with the disabilities (turned out to be more than one) had surgery and has had testing and has thyroid meds, etc. But I mostly work from home and they are in school now. It's less stressful for me and I do better work not worrying about being called home from an office, and being able to work around the clock/weekends, which then gives me large blocks of time off (i.e. weeks at a time, even months.) But you have to work up to this and the only way you can do that is to build a reputation by showing up. After you earn people's trust then you can get better working conditions including telecommute. But with a baby, unless you are personally nursing them in a sling (which is what I did a lot with my second baby), good luck programming or whatever.


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