# Fear of Marriage...Please Help!!!!



## angelgirl (May 4, 2009)

Hi everyone!

I am a 25 year old female, just finishing up graduate school. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year, and he wants very much to get engaged. I love him very much, and we have had our bumps along the way, but I really feel like I need him in my life. The problem is that two years ago I had my heart broken pretty badly by a man I thought I was going to marry (he cheated). Before I broke up with the heartbreaker, I wanted marriage, children, and a family very badly. But after our painful breakup, I lost all desire for these things, and became extraordinarily independent. My current boyfriend is very upset, and can't understand my commitment issues. (In addition, I watched my mother have three failed marriages). I have been upset over this for weeks, to the point where I'm actually making myself sick. I don't know what to do, and I really need advice. Am I crazy?? Any advice as to how to work through this? I'm afraid I'll regret not giving the heartbreaker another chance (he has wanted to get back together for over a year now.) Please help!!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

angelgirl said:


> I'm afraid I'll regret not giving the heartbreaker another chance (he has wanted to get back together for over a year now.)


ok so let me get this straight. you are with a guy that wants to get engaged but you are still considering getting back together with the guy that cheated on you? If i have that straight then marriage is not for you right now. 

on top of that you need to be honest with your current boyfriend about your feelings for your exe. im going to guess he would not still be interested in getting engaged.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I dont thionk your crazy... what I do think is your not ready to get married and should NOT get married right now or anytime in the future. You should seek therapy before you do.
It may be the best thing for you to not marry and that would be OK, lots of people never marry... I could list them out but you can also google it. Marriage does not ensure happiness and there are no garentees. You might just be more sensible about it from all you ahve seen and well aware of the realities of it rather than the ideals and dreams.
I would say if he pushes you into marriage and your feeling like this you should let him go.
Far as getting back with the one who cheated on you/ broke your heart. .. all I can say is Don't do it.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Why do you feel you need your boyfriend in your life? What kind of "bumps" have you had with your boyfriend in the past year?

When you say you love him ... do you love him as your best friend or do you love him as a man you want to be with (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc)?

Is your boyfriend who you CHOOSE to be with, or your only good option so far (or at the current moment)? In other words, is he truly special for you or are you just at that time in life when you're so ready to have someone special that whoever's there at the moment will get the price?

If your boyfriend weren't putting pressure on you to get engaged right now, would you want to get engaged of your own accord?

You say you can't picture marriage and children anymore ... is that with your boyfriend only? If you could envision fixing things with the ex in an ideal way, would you want marriage and children with him? When you envision your ideal guy, would you want children with him?

In what ways is your ex-boyfriend better suited to you? In what way is your current boyfriend better suited to you?

Would your ex-boyfriend be willing to go to counseling with you to address the infidelity? Did he cheat only once or was it an ongoing thing (in other words, was his cheating out of character)? Why did you break up with him? I know he cheated, but did you break up with him because he cheated or did you break up with him because of the way he acted after he was found out? Meaning, did you feel he wasn't truly remorseful? Did he not end the affair immediately (or before being caught)? Did he not do the things you needed him to do to regain your trust?

I recommend you read two books: "To Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum, and "Mating In Captivity" by Esther Perel. The titles may not seem totally on the mark, but when you start reading you'll know (from the other side of the fence) whether you should marry this guy.

There are a lot of compromises that people make when they choose a partner, so it's not like no one compromises. But make sure that you don't compromise three things: 1) He must be a good guy (objectively, not just through your rose-colored glasses), 2) You must be sexually attracted to him and enjoy being physically close to him (this includes liking the way he smells and tastes and feels from his toes to the tops of his head), and 3) You must be IN LOVE with him (mind you, I didn't say you must "love" him. I love my auntie, it doesn't mean I would marry her). Be in love. What that means, who knows? But all of us know it when we feel it. If we have to ask ourselves over and over if we're in love (or, worse yet, ask other people if they think we're in love), then we're not and we shouldn't marry that person - that simple. If you have to question it or worry or diagnose yourself with having a "commitment issue" when you had none in the previous relationship, then you should wait. I know a lot of people withwhat seemed like horrible "commitment issues" and, yet, each one plunged forward with marriage and kids and the whole nine yards once they found the right person. They kept thinking because they feared reliving their parents' lives that they must be avoiding committing when, in fact, they just hadn't met the one person that they couldn't resist and who took their fears away.

I'm not saying dump the boyfriend - he may just need a bit more time to grow on you ... but don't marry him until he's fully grown on you. And move on if he hasn't grown on you in a year's time (that's plenty of time).

In short ...

1. Do not get engaged.
2. You don't have commitment issues - you just don't love your boyfriend enough at this time to marry him.
3. Resolve the ex-boyfriend issue before moving forward in your current relationship. You know in your heart if the ex is really worth a second chance or if you're just being weak about letting him go.
4. You still (at 25) have more options than ex-boyfriend vs. current boyfriend. If neither truly fills up your heart or holds your trust, move on to the guy you haven't met yet. Free yourself to meet him.


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## pickles2009 (May 5, 2009)

The use of the word "need" is very telling. Just like in poker. What you need and what you want are two very different things. You WANT him in your life. You aren't going to dry up and blow off the face of the planet if you aren't with him. The second thing that I hear you say is that you've suffered emotional trauma of your own in the relationship department as well as having been witness first hand to that (I'm guessing since you're so young) through your moms failures. 

Find a group counseling session. Even if you aren't co-dependant, the things that they talk about in the meetings are very profound and will help you to achieve what I call "clarity". 

I would suggest that you stop focusing on being a couple and figure yourself out first. That does NOT mean you can't be a couple while you are doing that. It just means that you need to take some time and figure what is really important to YOU is. You need to learn how to communicate with yourself and with that will come the ability to communicate with him. 

It's not easy growing up, I'm 41 and still doing it.  Please pick up a small paperback book called the 4 agreements. It is about self affirmations.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

pickles2009 said:


> I would suggest that you stop focusing on being a couple and figure yourself out first. That does NOT mean you can't be a couple while you are doing that. It just means that you need to take some time and figure what is really important to YOU is. You need to learn how to communicate with yourself and with that will come the ability to communicate with him.


:iagree: 

Good stuff there Angel. Hearts are good for feeling but not so good for thinking. My impression is that you need to take a few steps back and as Pickles says, understand yourself better. When you can come at these things from a position of strength you will be better suited to make these decisions. My other impression is that neither of these guys is probably "the man" for you.


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## Mr. R (May 5, 2009)

Marriage is something that shouldn't be entered into with anything less than ABSOLUTE certainty. Any amount of doubt, whatsoever, is the universe, karma, God, or whatever telling you to stop. Do not do something that is exceedingly hard to undo.

Also, do not get back with the "heartbreaker" (to use your term). As far as giving people second chances to hurt me, I share the viewpoint of Mr. Darcy (from Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice): "My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever." That's one of my favorite lines of dialogue in anything I've read and a rule by which I keep myself from being taken advantage of by anyone. Best of luck to you and don't forget to look out for yourself first.


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