# i think my husband is gay.



## mehvibez (Feb 2, 2021)

my husband and I have been married for 3 years but together for several. there were rumors flying around, started by a sibling that he was gay and in denial. very early on in our relationship I found out that he had been on Craigslist answering m4m ads. when I approached him he declined to speak to me about it for days, and when he finally did he simply said that it made him good to know that gay men found him attractive. that if men thought he was attractive, then surely women did too. despite my gut feeling, i went along with it. 6 months before our wedding i found texts in his phone from another man. the discussions were hot heavy, talking about how much they missed each other. he would ask my husband if he had been practicing his "sucking skills" - i apologize for the graphic detail. when i confronted him he denied that he had ever met the man in the texts and gave me the same story about needing assurance from other men about his physical appearance. to my knowledge, that was last incident up until about a month ago. i was collecting laundry when I came across a large butt plug, lube, and an enema. the lube had been opened and the butt plug was not in any type of box or container. i brought them down to him and asked what they were, and he waited for about 20 minutes before telling me he bought them for me, thinking we could try something new. he knows i'm not into that type of thing. and if they were brand new, why was the lube already opened and used, and i've never bought any dildo that didn't come in a box of some sort. i told him the very first time we had this conversation that i wouldn't judge him if he was gay, that i would be supportive while keeping it between the two of us, but he had to let me go. it isn't fair to continuously destroy my self worth lying and cheating on me just because he isn't ready to be honest with himself. yet he continues to these questionable things and vigorously deny it being out of the ordinary. just that i'm reading too far into it. thoughts and opinions? anyone else out there been through this?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

mehvibez said:


> my husband and I have been married for 3 years but together for several. there were rumors flying around, started by a sibling that he was gay and in denial. very early on in our relationship I found out that he had been on Craigslist answering m4m ads. when I approached him he declined to speak to me about it for days, and when he finally did he simply said that it made him good to know that gay men found him attractive. that if men thought he was attractive, then surely women did too. despite my gut feeling, i went along with it. 6 months before our wedding i found texts in his phone from another man. the discussions were hot heavy, talking about how much they missed each other. he would ask my husband if he had been practicing his "sucking skills" - i apologize for the graphic detail. when i confronted him he denied that he had ever met the man in the texts and gave me the same story about needing assurance from other men about his physical appearance. to my knowledge, that was last incident up until about a month ago. i was collecting laundry when I came across a large butt plug, lube, and an enema. the lube had been opened and the butt plug was not in any type of box or container. i brought them down to him and asked what they were, and he waited for about 20 minutes before telling me he bought them for me, thinking we could try something new. he knows i'm not into that type of thing. and if they were brand new, why was the lube already opened and used, and i've never bought any dildo that didn't come in a box of some sort. i told him the very first time we had this conversation that i wouldn't judge him if he was gay, that i would be supportive while keeping it between the two of us, but he had to let me go. it isn't fair to continuously destroy my self worth lying and cheating on me just because he isn't ready to be honest with himself. yet he continues to these questionable things and vigorously deny it being out of the ordinary. just that i'm reading too far into it. thoughts and opinions? anyone else out there been through this?


Do you have kids together? Has there been any other signs like preference of a certain type of pornography? Does he come from a deeply religious background that might make him hesitant to reveal that he is gay?

This is definitely not fair to you at all, and just like any affair he is exposing you to disease which is unacceptable, along with the lying, and betraying. 

He is obviously not ready to come out, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay. It’s called gaslighting, to deny twist and make you think you’re crazy to question him. I’m so sorry you find yourself here.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Leave. Him. Now. Please.

You don't need for him to let you go, you free yourself. Aside, from the infidelity issues, if he's creeping for strange on craigslist imagine all the diseases and God knows what else he could be exposing you to.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

There isn't a doubt in my mind. He's definitely gay.

You are not overreacting, at all. If anything you are not making a big enough deal out of this, though I understand it's hard to accept.

You do not have to wait for him to confess and set you free, you can end the marriage yourself. If nothing else, at least stop having sex with this man.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

He is at least bisexual. Maybe bi with a primary preference for men. If this is the case it's highly unlikely he will remain faithful to you. Getting validation from men is a horrible horrendous excuse. My wife and I use to live in the "gay area" of our city. I use to get hit on all the time by gay men, I would take complete advantage of it and get free drinks if I was waiting for my wife at the bar for after work drinks. I can tell you there is really no validation you get from it. It never boosted my self esteem the way getting hit on by a woman does. Because when you're straight you aren't worried if other men find you attractive or not. He obviously is very troubled by his sexuality.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

He is gay, you don’t need to keep finding evidence and asking him. You know the answer he will keep giving you.

It’s not up to you to bring him out of the closet, help him or support him, understand why he married you, understand or push for reasons for his denial. That’s aaaaaaall his thing, his circus, his drama, his journey, his life. I have no sympathy for anyone in denial of anything, who drags another person along for their benefit. Don’t be a martyr, nothing to be gained from this. He won’t thank you one day.

I am really sorry for you and hope that very soon you have a real heterosexual husband, the marriage you always wanted. I don’t think anyone will think badly if you left him. Don’t allow him to let you go. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, and I truly hope this nightmare ends and you can go on and have a great life. I would like you to give %100 sympathy and care understanding to yourself.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’re the beard. Def gay. Very sorry.
I agree you need to get out to avoid life threatening std’s.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

@notmyjamie may have some excellent advice for you.....


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

He is conflicted at the very least and likely has a preference for men. Sounds like it's time to look at your future. Do you want a faithful partner? Kids? It's time to cut ties and find a real relationship...


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

When your gut tells you something...please listen

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

I'm with @happyhusband0005 in that bi can't be dismissed, especially if the two of you are having a good sex life. You didn't mention that your sex life is suffering. He may also be one of those people who are naturally open/poly, for whom it is more of a need than simply being ok with it.

But that doesn't mean he is going about it in the right way. The first question is whether or not you are ok with an open marriage or with him being poly (if the later is the case)? If not, then it's probably just leave at this point because he is deceiving you AND having these encounters on the side, even if they are not physical. If you are ok with them, then you need to get him to realize that you are fine with it as long as he is out in the open about it. Hiding it from you is worse than the affair itself.

As a side note, he could have bought the plug and lube for his own use. We've got toys here that I have bought that were only used on me by me for a while (not counting what I try on myself before trying on others). A man doesn't have to be gay or bi to enjoy such things.

I will disagree with @happyhusband0005 about validation. He might not get any, but some people do. While I don't go seeking it as your husband seem to be doing, I do feel validation when, well anyone hits on me, regardless of sex.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lies lies and lies, thats all he has been telling you from the start. There were many big red flags here, and some of what he said was total nonsense. So now you need to decide if you want to be married to a gay man who has clearly cheated with other men, or end the marriage and find a faithful heteosexual man who is honest and doesn't just keep lying.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Geez you gotta pull your head out of the sand and look at what is staring you right in the face and lose the denial.

If you walked in on him getting boned by another dude he'd probably say "I'm just doing this to learn better skills for you" and you'd probably accept that as the truth. 

Why is it up to him to let you go? You can't make you own decisions regarding whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with a lying homosexual?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I always hate when I get mentioned in a thread I don't know because it almost always means the same thing. Someone else is going through what I went through and that makes my heart ache. @mehvibez I'm so sorry to hear that you've joined the club I am in. My exH is gay. We were married for about 7 years and our third child was a toddler when I found evidence on his computer that he was looking for hookups with men. My world was NEVER the same. Much like your husband, he came up with bogus excuses for it and told me it was someone else's account, blah, blah, ****ing blah. But, I had three small children, my mother lived with us and I couldn't imagine how I could care for her and my kids alone. So I buried it deep down, almost as deep as his own denial and stayed. BIG MISTAKE, HUGE.

We had a fairly normal sex life and relationship for about 8 more years. It was always in the back of my mind and I suffered depression on and off though because of it. Then he pulled away sexually at first, then altogether. All told we were completely sexless for the last six years of our marriage and we lived more like roommates who happened to have children together. Other people definitely noticed our lack of connection. I would see other couples and mourn for what I did not have within my marriage.

My mother passed away in 2016 and my kids were older. I was getting more and more unhappy with my life. A couple years later something happened that set me free. I overheard him having sex in a dream. Unfortunately for him, he talks in his sleep and he was quite prolific and clear in what he wanted and what he was doing in the dream. I went to him and said it's over. I reminded him that this wasn't the first time his proclivity had come up for us in the marriage. He dragged me to marriage counseling hoping she'd tell me I was wrong and he was only "a little bit that way" and we should stay married. Instead she told us the best she could do for us was to help us split up amicably and do what's best for the kids. He told me he still wanted to stay married anyway and I told him I didn't. Our divorce was final almost a year ago. All told, I spent 27 years with him and all of it was a lie. After I left, he went to therapy and finally was able to admit he is gay. He despises himself for it and is a miserable man because of it. I live with the knowledge that he was never actually attracted to me, never really wanted me physically, and that every intimate encounter we had he was faking his way through it. The conception of my children was based in a lie. That is NOT fun to live with, I'm learning how to move on from it but it wasn't easy. 

I have never felt so relieved and free as when I got out. Since then I have met someone that truly loves me for all the right reasons. When he comes to me for love, attention, sex, affection, it is REAL. I now know what real love actually looks and feels like and I feel that is is a gift from above...he says all the time he thinks his beloved grandmother and my mother must have met in heaven and teamed up to bring us together as needed someone like me just as much as I needed him. We would have survived without each other but damn, life is so good now that we're together. Knowing my mother, I don't doubt it. I no longer watch other couples and mourn for myself. 

Why do I bore you with my whole sordid saga? Because I want you to see the life you have in front of you. Your husband is gay. He has lied to you over and over and although he may love you it's not a healthy love by any stretch of the imagination. He has turned his misdeeds around to make it seem like you're the one with the problem. YOU are not the one with the problem. He has a problem, a big problem that is not yours to fix. You can try, but you will ruin your own life in the process. I will say to you what I said to my exH over and over, straight men don't do the things he's done. They just don't have conversations with other men about practicing their sucking skills. They don't use butt plugs and lubes on other men. 

Even if he is bi, not gay, he has cheated on you. Is that the life you want to live for the rest of your life? Living with a man who can not only cheat, but lie to your face, and risk giving you a disease? I really, really hope not because although I've never met you, I know, for a fact, that you are worth SO much more than that.

I once read a checklist on how to tell if your husband is gay. I can't remember them all to be honest but your husband definitely checks off a couple, if not more. 1)You find evidence of him flirting with or talking very sexually with a man. 2)You find evidence of sexual activity that you weren't involved in. 3)He says his "curiosity" about men is due to some sexual abuse as a child. (My ex used this one...a lot of them do, don't know why. Maybe to garner your sympathy and bring about a "i can fix him" attitude from you. 4)Your sex life is lacking. There were others but it's been many, many years since I found that list.

It may be so hard to believe because he does act like he loves you SO very much. And he very well may. There are some men who are homosexual but heteromantic, which means they like their sex with men, but their romance with women. They want to experience all the romantic parts of life, marriage, kids, etc with a woman but they want their down and dirty sex to be with men. This describes my exH. He knows why I've left him, doesn't blame me at all for leaving, but is still in love with me. I left him 2 1/2 years ago. He has refused to meet my boyfriend stating that he just can't handle seeing me with someone else. He has done nothing to move towards living a more honest life with himself. He still says the idea of a romance with a man is disgusting. 

I firmly believe he did not set out to use me. He says he fell in love with me and really thought that "deep, dark desire" that he hated about himself would be okay because "you were enough for me." But I wasn't and I paid a huge price for that.

Please, please, please, don't waste all those years I did. They damaged me in a way that I can't really accurately describe. I'm moving on, I'm happy but I will never be who I was before my marriage. I love my children and so I'd NEVER go back and undo my marriage but I would hate for someone else to waste so much time like I did. 

Please feel free to private message me if you have more questions or just want to talk.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

@notmyjamie. I'm sorry to resurrect your pain, but appreciate your sharing your soul.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

sunsetmist said:


> @notmyjamie. I'm sorry to resurrect your pain, but appreciate your sharing your soul.


Absolutely fine. I'm here to help. When I said I hated it, I meant that someone else is going through what I went through, not that you summoned me to help. Why join a board like this if you have no intentions of ever helping someone? I really hope the OP reaches out to me. It can be SO hard to make your heart believe what your brain knows is the truth. I feel for her, it was not an easy place to be or an easy problem to navigate. _hugs_ to her.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> Absolutely fine. I'm here to help. When I said I hated it, I meant that someone else is going through what I went through, not that you summoned me to help. Why join a board like this if you have no intentions of ever helping someone? I really hope the OP reaches out to me. It can be SO hard to make your heart believe what your brain knows is the truth. I feel for her, it was not an easy place to be or an easy problem to navigate. _hugs_ to her.


Hugs to you both, your story brought tears to my eyes. You are a very strong woman.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

QuietRiot said:


> Hugs to you both, your story brought tears to my eyes. You are a very strong woman.


Thank you. I feel lucky in that or else I’d have curled up into a ball and withdrawn from life I think. BF tells people I am formidable. I like it 😄


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## AmericanMama (Feb 11, 2021)

Oh how I feel your pain your confusion..
Like WTF!!! I was in denial for the longest time about my husbands secret life but dear Lord I too found SEX toys, lingerie, dildios, lube, pantyhose.etc and this my was wearing these iteme
Doing god knows what ...SICK! I FINALLY COULDN'T STAND THE IDEA OF HIM TOUCHING ME
ITS NOT EASY BUT YOU DON'T DESERVE A PART-TIME MAN


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He is most definitely gay. Get a lawyer. Your husband married you under false pretenses. Do not continue this charade any longer. He has been having sex with another male. Get away from him asap before you catch an STD or something. tell him to come out or you will do it for him.


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