# Befuddled by husband's behavior



## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

Hi there,

I have posted several times, last quite a few months ago. Sorry for the length in advance.

My relationship of 13 years (marriage of 6) went down the tubes about 3 years ago when I was in full time PA school and my husband lost his job due to irresponsibility (tardiness). He blamed my then 2 year old daughter for this (she was "difficult") and me for going to school. I was also pregnant with our second child at the time. I never thought I would get a divorce or separate, but I found myself very angry about this. Through counseling, I have come to realize my anger stems from the fact that he didn't make amends, take responsibility (and still doesn't), or take action to get our family back on track. 

Since this time, I graduated from PA school and have a great job. He was refusing to get a job and was thus, a "stay at home dad" by default. I was paying for everything and still coming home cooking and cleaning and caring for kids. They are now 5 and 2. I became very depressed. He is addicted to fantasy sports and he essentially grows quite angry if someone interrupts him while he's "involved" in "setting up [his] teams." He has been overtly emotionally and verbally abusive to me. 

After much soul-searching (over a year), I decided separation was the best approach. I moved out about 2 weeks ago with the kids. (Oh, and amazingly, he got a job immediately after 3 years of not working) I have attempted to set up parenting schedule with him and yet he refuses to do so. The kids are with me every day and night (I work, but take them to school/daycare and also pick up from afterschool program and daycare). He sometimes visits for 30 minutes at night. They stayed at his house 2 days last weekend because my brother died in a rollover car accident. Yet while I was at the funeral, he was texting me as to whether I was going to come get them after the funeral. My daughter keeps saying, "I don't like Daddy's house. I don't want to go. I want to stay with Mommy." Last night, I had a divorce support group meeting and he had to take over and put them to bed. He took them to my house and put them to bed. When I got home, he glared at me and said, "You cost me money tonight. Because of you, I couldn't play in any of the tournaments I qualified for."

I am not sure what to do. If he doesn't want to set up time with his kids, I can't make him. But these are HIS KIDS. He is trying to punish me for moving out. He keeps saying, "I'm not taking care of the kids so you can go out with your friends. I'm done with that." Obviously, he's angry. 

I don't know what to do. Do I just contact his family directly to see if they want to see the kids? The last thing I want to do is not have them see their grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousin. That would hurt them even more.

I guess I'm just at a loss. I'm doing the best I can, providing for my family, trying to help them adjust, and attempting to be civil with him. Will time help or does it just seem that he's going to be immature?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Sounds like leaving is the best decision for you and your children.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I think your kids have a good assessment of your stbxh personality.

I would keep trying to emotionally detach. Very soon you'll see the forest through the trees.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

It doesn't sound like he had much interest in the children while you lived in the same house. If he doesn't really want to spend time with them, sad as that is, I don't think there's much you can do to change his mind. This is just very sad.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

I would set up some counseling for the kids, and maybe for you too, to help understand what is best for them. I have had issues with father-time too, but my kids are much older... 16 and 18. One of the first things I did when I learned he was leaving me for another woman was to call my youngest child's counselor. He's a child psych and was helping her with school programming and advanced placement. He gave me some very good advice and helped me put some things into place for myself first, before we told the kids. Their father has always traveled, so the separation was kept from them for 6 months while I adjusted to it and waiting for them to be in a better time at school before we upset them. But this summer, now that they know, it's apparent to them that he is splitting his time between girlfriend abroad or being here at home with them. They are very angry. They have told him that they don't like it that he's not home as much, and I've explained it too - warning him he'll lose them and be just a wallet on legs if he's not there for them, but he's head-in-the-sand and thinks everything will work out ok. I finally asked one of them when she was venting at me, what she would like and if we need to be more forceful about him staying home more, setting a firm and regular schedule. Her answer told me all I needed to know. She said that she only wanted to see him if he WANTED to be here, not because he felt like he has to be here. So be it. They have lost any respect they had for him, and I'm doing what I need to do to make sure they are happy and secure. Whether their father is a part of that or not, well, we can't count on him, so we don't. Your kids are very young still, so can't understand the intricacies of it all, and that's tough. But the one thing that I really don't like about your situation is the possibility of him being abusive in some way, even if it's just being detached and uncaring. You don't need your kids exposed to that. Better to keep the rest of the family involved in their lives so they don't lose touch, but forget the POS if he is going to be emotionally cold. He'll do more damage than good. But consult with your family physician or someone you trust who can give you an objective place to go for help.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

well just wait till he starts paying child support. He's going to be a really big fan of yours then .

I think that you should contact his family and let them know that you want the kids to stay in their lives. they will appreciate it .

take good care of yourself. And see what you can do to find some alone time now and again. it's tough doing it all on your own so it's important that you find ways to recharge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

Thank you all for your replies.

I love these kids more than anything. But I am already feeling worn out. I think I am going to have to have some help (as clipclop2 mentioned). Emotionally, I'm just run down, especially with the sudden death of my brother last week. 

We talked a little last night and he says, "I want some time off. I have been staying home with them for two years and I need a break." Believe me, I get it. But I have also been working and caring for the kids when I get home. But these are kids...and other than a break here and there, we don't get breaks! He is so exhausted because he doesn't know how to discipline, which just wears him out because he is constantly frustrated with them (esp my daughter who is really a handful). He hasn't earned her respect as a parent and she makes his life hell. I signed us up for parenting class, but he went to one and said it's stupid. No matter what I say to her, she doesn't change her behavior toward her father. But she doesn't act that way to me or her teachers. Just her father, and to some extent, her grandmother (who acts just like her father). I think there's a lack of respect because they don't act like adults. She's a very intuitive kid, and as much as it really bugs me that she acts like that, I don't seem to be able to effect any change with regard to it. It's frustrating for me because I don't want her acting like a brat to them either. But she really wears him out, which is part of the major issue right now. (Plus, he doesn't go to be until 1 or 2 a.m. because he's obsessed with fantasy sports.)

Any time I try to talk to him about the kids or trying to make it work for all of us, he says, "I don't know why you had to move out. You did this to yourself. You wanted life this way." In reality, I wanted a peaceful life. I wanted to live in a house that was clean and uncluttered (my husband is a hoarder -- he even has walkers, wheelchairs, desks, filing cabinets -- none of his own). I wanted to get some peace about this situation. He has been emotionally and verbally abusive, but I am not without fault either. But in that living environment, all I can see is how unhappy I am being in the same room with him and I can't see my part in it. Now that I'm out, I am doing work on myself, what I've done wrong, and how I can better co-parent...or at least I thought we both loved the kids enough to put them first and co-parent. Now I'm not so sure. I know he loves his kids...but he has a fantasy sports addiction and a lifelong lack of responsibility (complete with frequent bail-outs from his parents). So, according to them, I'm the bad guy in all this. They may never understand my reasoning (in their culture, they stay together no matter what -- yet my father-in-law already told me he's going to go crazy when my mother-in-law retires and they're together all the time because she is nuts).

Anyway, I am in counseling with a counselor that has never said, "I think you should leave him." She has let me figure out my own path. She has been working with me to understand that sometimes there is not a great solution and you have to make it as good as you can. I never wanted my kids to have divorced parents; but at least I know I'm doing what I can to improve myself and provide for my kids.

I think my biggest dilemma is that my husband is stepping away from wanting to care for them on a day-to-day basis. So he seems to automatically think this means his parents don't want to do so. He tells me not to call them and ask for help so that I can have some down time. He says I "use them" for babysitting so I can go out. I don't even go out very often, maybe once a month. But I just thought grandparents would want to see their grandkids. They don't get to see them during the week because they live an hour away.

Anyway, I am appreciative for your replies. I am just thinking out loud at this point. Completely overwhelmed.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

LovingHearts

Your husband is indifferent and negligent thus deserves neither you nor your children. I hope you can put this guy in the past.

Have you talked to a lawyer about documenting his behavior to leverage a better divorce settlement for you and the kids?

Hang in there. You and the kids will be better off without him.


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