# Just married and having problems



## laura14 (Aug 13, 2014)

I only got married in May, I'm just 27, my husband is in his early 30s and I am so afraid that the whole thing has been a mistake! I have decided to look up a forum to post my issue as I feel like I can't tell my family, my mum and sister especially. I think in their heart of hearts they think I shouldn't have gotten married for another few years, enjoyed my youth, and it would crush them to know how unhappy I am. I also can't really talk to friends for fear of it getting out & my new husband to know I've been discussing our issues, he really hates speaking about private things. And also pride - I don't want anyone to really know the sad reality of what should be a really happy period of my life.

So firstly, I found the very beginning of marriage very stressful and difficult as not only was I getting married I was also leaving my home for the last 27years and when the time came to leave I felt very sad, it was a very big change! I have never lived with a partner before so it was difficult adjusting to that too! Men can be very messy!! We had arguments over the chores etc and the fact he would say they are mostly the woman's job really riled me! I wanted to be part of a 21st century marriage from the off where both parties were equal!!
It's a big change to go from only seeing your partner at weekends or a few hours when time together is precious and usually filled with an activity or something to every day life like getting up for work in the morn & 2 alarms going off & then coming home from work, cooking, clearing up etc it just isn't quite so romantic all the time anymore! So that realization coupled with getting used to leaving home meant that tempers and moods were frayed somewhat at the beginning! But now the romance rarely ever seems to appear. 

I feel like the deep long lasting love we both felt before marriage just isn't there anymore. And shouldn't my husband, the man who supposedly loves me be patient and understand it is all a big change for me(he left home a few years ago). My husband isn't loving or affectionate like he used to be. 
He always seems to want to organise nights out or weekends away with his friends now & it was like pulling a tooth trying to organise a weekend for just the 2 of us. 

I just really feel somethings changed within him. Feeling like he doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore makes me feel insecure and paranoid so I am constantly thinking who is he texting, whats he doing on the laptop and this makes me agitated and affects my mood so maybe I snap and then we argue- it really is a viscous circle! So I try to explain to him how I feel and that I really feel something has changed but no matter how nicely I approach it or if it ends up in another argument - his reaction is always the same- tells me to shut up or that I'm being crazy, that I've picked the wrong time of day, we'll talk tomorrow about it (we never do) or that if I don't shut up he's going to sleep on the sofa. It's like he won't even give it the light of day & that straight away I'm in the wrong. But how can what I actually honestly feel be 'in the wrong'?? 

One night a few weeks ago when I really felt like I was emotionally going to snap after about a half an hour of me crying and him disregarding me he finally seemed to have a break through and admitted he could make more effort and he promised things would change and it would work- but that lasted about 2days. 

He was on antidepressants for about a year there and was afraid to stop them before the wedding in case it ruined his big day. I do think he has lowered his dose now and I wonder could that really have changed him? emotionally locked him? I really do feel like I am constantly trying to find ways or the key or the phrase or the action that will release the man I wanted to marry. 

So here I am spending nights sobbing feeling so alone and not having a clue what I should do - just knowing I'm so unhappy and feeling that at 27 I've ruined my life. I so desperately am up for fixing it but how can I do it one sided?
I just don't know what to do. After just a few short months divorce keeps coming into my head but it is not an option but if I weren't married I know what I would do. 

Sorry for such a long post I'm just pouring out weeks of locked up emotion.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

I just can't read your wall of text. You need to go back and break it up into paragraphs. Use the edit button.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You are not too young. You both needed to discuss what you wanted and expected out of marriage before getting married. You can make a difference now by setting your H down and having the discussion NOW, before too much time passes.

I met my wife when I was 20 and married her at 24. It has been hard work and wonderful results. It has been almost 23 years since our first date.

Your marriage is what you and he make it. You both need to communicate and work. Marriage does not usually come naturally , it takes a lot of work and cooperation.

Don't lose heart or give up yet. You both just need to start growing your garden, so to speak. Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Marriage is hard. It requires change and adjustment. I think many people have gone through what you are going through, myself included.

Hang in there. Keep trying. Learn to communicate better with him. Try to see things from his (the male) perspective to understand him better.

Decide what is important to you and focus on that. Don't try to deliver a laundry list of complaints and forget trying to reach him when he's not paying attention. It's the proverbial pushing a wet noodle.

Get his attention and then talk to him.


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## laura14 (Aug 13, 2014)

It would seem achievable if I could just get him to listen when I try to speak!! 
Like every night he sits up late (that's another issue I have to beg him to go to bed at the same time as me, but he always says he'll be up in 5minutes then he sits on or falls asleep on the sofa. & I think having the same bedtime is quite important to a marriage) and tonight I said to him I wanted to talk and he knew I'd be back into the room again in about 10minutes & low and behold he said he was sleepy & went up to bed which just made me angry like I'd told him I wanted a chat. 

So in bed I brought it up & before I could say 2 words I was told he was going down to the sofa if I didn't keep quiet - seriously was he not in the wrong here? He is off this weekend with his mates on a trip he has been dying to get on & desperately trying to get someone to go with him! 

This only makes me feel even more uneasy. Should I just move back home for a few days before he goes - would the space jolt a reaction out of him? make him realise his behavior is really upsetting me? I just don't know!


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

laura14 said:


> It would seem achievable if I could just get him to listen when I try to speak!!


This approach is doomed to fail. The more you "speak" when he's not listening, the tighter his ears will shut. If you persist he will regard you as a nag. That's a dangerous path to go down.



> Like every night he sits up late (that's another issue I have to beg him to go to bed at the same time as me, but he always says he'll be up in 5minutes then he sits on or falls asleep on the sofa. & I think having the same bedtime is quite important to a marriage) and tonight I said to him I wanted to talk and he knew I'd be back into the room again in about 10minutes & low and behold he said he was sleepy & went up to bed which just made me angry like I'd told him I wanted a chat.
> 
> So in bed I brought it up & before I could say 2 words I was told he was going down to the sofa if I didn't keep quiet - seriously was he not in the wrong here? He is off this weekend with his mates on a trip he has been dying to get on & desperately trying to get someone to go with him!


Yes, that's him avoiding listening to you.



> This only makes me feel even more uneasy. Should I just move back home for a few days before he goes - would the space jolt a reaction out of him? make him realise his behavior is really upsetting me? I just don't know!


No, that's not the answer. That's more like the nuclear option. Save that for later.

What if you listened first? What if you said, "I noticed you've been avoiding me lately. Is something wrong?" And just keep asking you hear it all. Regardless of how right or wrong he is in what he says, just listening will accomplish three things: 1) let him get things off his chest, 2) give you a turn to talk to him, 3) give you ideas about what to say to him.


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## laura14 (Aug 13, 2014)

ladymisato said:


> This approach is doomed to fail. The more you "speak" when he's not listening, the tighter his ears will shut. If you persist he will regard you as a nag. That's a dangerous path to go down.
> 
> 
> Yes, that's him avoiding listening to you.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## laura14 (Aug 13, 2014)

Hmm yes he does accuse me of being a nag which agitates me then because I feel I'm only trying to get my point across! maybe it's the male/female difference thing! I suppose I could try asking him what's bothering him but as I have said he just seems so uncaring these days I don't know if he would even credit me with an answer to that! I could be brushed off as bring crazy again! You are all certainly right marriage is hard!!here I am lying awake worried & he's fast asleep snoring!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Do read Men are from Mars Women are from Venus which discusses the different ways men and women approach things and how to communicate with the other. As other people have said, it takes some time and compromise. Apparently you both approach things in the same way- how can I other the other one to change and understand what I want and need instead of looking for ways to compromise yourself. 

You need to approach things in a delicate non-confrontation way, I would appreciate, you're a great person but would you consider this, as opposed to you need to do things this way.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ladymisato is giving very valuable advice. No one starts out a great spouse. I was far worse than your husband to start but, with love, acceptance and encouragement from my wife, I have come a long way. Your husband surely feels frustrated as well. You both need to start learning. I can tell you're very frustrated. 

You can relate how serious your feelings are getting to your H and tell him you don't want to fail him if it can be helped.

Marriage counseling could help you both learn some good communication and love techniques.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Do read Men are from Mars Women are from Venus which discusses the different ways men and women approach things and how to communicate with the other. As other people have said, it takes some time and compromise. Apparently you both approach things in the same way- how can I other the other one to change and understand what I want and need instead of looking for ways to compromise yourself. 

You need to approach things in a delicate non-confrontation way, I would appreciate, you're a great person but would you consider this, as opposed to you need to do things this way.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

Here is the truth.

Familiarity breeds contempt.

Marriage causes more misery, loneliness, and financial pain than any other institution in out society. The risks of entering into a marriage far outweigh any potential benefits.

Your marriage was a mistake and it will not get better - it will in fact get progressively worse.

Get a divorce; learn a lesson - move on with your life.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Counterfit said:


> Here is the truth.
> 
> Familiarity breeds contempt.
> 
> ...


LOL!!! WOW! Someone really peed in your corn flakes!&#55357;&#56882;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

laura14 said:


> ... he does accuse me of being a nag *which agitates me *then because I feel I'm only trying to get my point across!


From what I'm reading, you lived at home prior to marriage. I'm going to assume your husband is your first, as in serious relationship and sex.

I don't honestly know what he is doing wrong. You are posting, not him. And there are three sides to the truth: your side, his side, and the truth (which lies in the middle).

Quit REACTING. It sounds like both of you stink when it comes to communication. 

Have you considered counseling? If he won't go, then you need to go. 

Trust me, both of you are to blame for the communication breakdown. A newly-married man who opts to sleep on the couch definitely has issues, but I don't know what they are.

How is your sex life? Did you have sex before marriage? If so, was it okay for both of you?


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

laura14 said:


> Hmm yes he does accuse me of being a nag which agitates me then because I feel I'm only trying to get my point across! maybe it's the male/female difference thing! I suppose I could try asking him what's bothering him but as I have said he just seems so uncaring these days I don't know if he would even credit me with an answer to that! I could be brushed off as bring crazy again! You are all certainly right marriage is hard!!here I am lying awake worried & he's fast asleep snoring!


You need to take his accusation of nagging very seriously. That only feeds his closing up to you.

How are things at dinner? Do you eat apart? Together in silence? That's a time to ask him what's bothering him.

I hesitate to guess at this point but here is one simple possibility: right now he wants your company less than you want his. He reacts by backing away. You chase him. He runs away. Etc. All it takes is a slight difference to start that vicious cycle going.

So if you can't get him to tell you what's wrong, here is another thing to try. Without moving out, just try spending time alone for a while and see if/when he comes to you. Read a good book. Take up knitting. Go out with your friends.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A lot of marriages start out rough as the two people adjust to each other, being on their own and a new way of life. So I think that you need to give this marriage more than 3-4 months. 

From the things you shared here, you have legitimate gripes. But you are going about this the wrong way. Crying, begging, being miserable, and trying to get him to constantly talk relationship… these things are all very annoying and unattractive. 

You need a different approach. Just stop the crying. Find a way to work through your anger and being upset. Exercising is one of the best ways to do this. Go for walks, join a gym, bike. Find ways to think through your problems/issues before you address your husband with them. I write for this.. on the computer. I just do a thought dump. Half the time I’ll solve the problem myself. The rest of the time I figure out a better way to approach it and to deal with people.

You two need to get into marriage counseling now. Tell him that you are having trouble adjusting and you would like him to go to counseling with you. (Make about you… not that you need MC because he sucks as a husband.) If he will not go to MC, then you need to get into individual counseling.

I agree that you need to read “Men are from Mars Women are from Venus”. 

After you read that book read “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. Then get your husband to read these two books and the two of you do the work the books say to do.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

Personally I wouldn't stand for the way he tells you to shut up or he'll sleep on the couch. That's being totally disrespectful and rude. It's hard to see the love when he's treating you like that.

It doesn't sound like English is your native language.. what country are you from?


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

I dont think it is male/female difference, I think your husband is avoidant. He probably knows there is problem and is very defensive before you say anything so that he can protect himself. You are only married since May and he does not have time for you! I dont think he is capable of listening or changing. The more you try, the more drained you will be. You got married too soon. Maybe a separation could help you guys to think of what you want. DOnt be afraid to talk to your family, they will help you to make a good decision. Your story is very sad. DOnt be ashamed of what other people will say if they know you marriage is not working, no one else knows more than you do, the nights you spend alone crying. The answer to marriage issues is to find help and keep the family together. But if he does not want to sit down or at least have a normal conversation with you, dont drain yourself by keeping trying. Good luck my dear.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Hi there. I married at 25, dated only one man b4 my husband,and moved to his state to live in his parents' house... sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice (especially when we are having conflicts) so I understand you. I had the same thoughts you had.
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Reading what others wrote, it seems like what you are going through is a normal stage of early marriage. 
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If you run/divorce, you WILL encounter the same issue (change is life, negotiating roles in marriage and lesser romance and attention etc), same problems, just with a different man.
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Life gives you the SAME problem again and AGAIN, until you finally learn to resolve it.
.
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Have you try this?
Try: Write the event, things, feelings and thoughts you had.
2. Read it again to gain new awareness or insight.
3. This time write like you are a third neutral party. Insert positivity and see things from his view too.
4. Your goal in any marriage is to continue the marriage. NOT divorce (unless for continue abuse, crime or cheating)

Read this post again. I KNOW How you feel.

Seek new ways to handle conflict and hardship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

In my first two and a half year of marriage, I was rude, crazy and emotional abusive when we had conflicts. Does that mean he should divorce me? Does that mean the blame is all on me? Does that mean I won't and cant change? Is there a possibility that I wasn't aware that I was causing him and both of us hurt?
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The way I see it, the two of you just need new ways of communication skills. 
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I just found out that instead of crying, arguing, and voicing out feelings, that I am capable of using positive approach... 
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1. Acknowledge how you're feeling and question the root cause/ your thoughts.
2. Be direct and short to the point with your husband. Instead of pouring out your feelings, just say everything in one or two sentence. Example:

.
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Instead of "I feel bla bla bla bla blah blah we haven't bla bla bla. It is different now that we are marked blabla bla"
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Say: : "I want to see a movie with you. Can you decide the show and time, just this time?" 

If the answer is no. Try again, the same way next time
_Posted via Mobile Device_

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Instead of: " you don't love me like you used to. Don't you care? Why are you not bla bla bla"

Say, "hubby, remember the time you held my hand and gave me gifts? I was so happy. I feel loved when you do that.. It Is my love language. Hold my hand for a minute now would you?"

Smile and say thank you.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

A lot of issues here. You're in the stage of marriage where reality is starting to set in and you're realizing all the storybooks and Disney films were, ah, less than accurate.

- You went into marriage with a lot of (likely unspoken and never mutually agreed upon) expectations. Some of these expectations were realistic, some of them were naive.

- You're getting accustomed to the logistics of actually living with another human being. This can be rough whether we're talking marriage or college roommates.

- You're both terrible communicators. Don't feel bad, we almost all started out that way.

- You're just plain "new" to the whole being married thing. A lot of people get married, but few people know how to actually "do" marriage. It really and truly does take practice.

Crying, sobbing, nagging, etc won't help, they'll just push him away. Be firm, discover your own boundaries, what you will and won't put up with and why, communicate them, and live by them.

Your husband needs to grow up with all that "if you don't shut up I'm sleeping on the couch" bullsh!t. It's childish and manipulative. Stop caving into him every time he does it. Take his power away by smiling and saying, "Ok, see you in the morning!" in the most chipper way you can muster.

Read a few books on communication. You can't control your husband but you can control how you act, react, and communicate, and that can help make the difference.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

HeartbrokenW said:


> Personally I wouldn't stand for the way he tells you to shut up or he'll sleep on the couch. That's being totally disrespectful and rude. It's hard to see the love when he's treating you like that.
> 
> It doesn't sound like English is your native language.. what country are you from?


:iagree:

He is disrespectful, rude & unkind to you. You know it & that is why you are here seeking advice.

Was he like this somewhat when you were dating?

I am also wondering if you are a "tick in the box" for him. His age suggests the possibility.

Job - tick
House - tick
Wife - tick

So now all of his boxes are ticked (except children) he can do as he pleases with his friends & treat you however he wishes w/o regards to your feelings.

Please seek marriage counseling. Invite him to go & if he refuses go alone (I did).


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## laura14 (Aug 13, 2014)

Ok a lot of advice and points there guys. Thanks! & yes English is my native language I am from the UK!!lol it is very strange you should mention the 'tick the box' as when we dated he used to always say I ticked such & such a box for him!sometimes I wonder too if he wanted to get married partly because he thought he was the age to. Since talking through with a friend there are even more issues here that would be bad enough on their own! I think he has element of control in him - he keeps going on & on how he wants me to change my hair & he almost keeps tabs on how much exercise I'm doing& almost trying to make me feel bad if I skip a day! It's like he has this big image thing in his head - shouldn't he be happy with me being healthy&alive & well?! He also says that he had to make changes to the house for me moving in and that he was quite happy with it before! When he lived there it was a shell - now it's a lovely home! I'm sorry but what is normal about keeping tool boxes & car parts in a kitchen? He had to get a shed - big deal! Where is his willing to compromise here? Oh boy I think there are so many issues here I don't even know where to begin!


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

ha ha ha - not to be insincere but again, some of those a fairly normal new-marriage problems. 

I would agree that he does seem to have a bit of a controlling nature. His "don't bring it up again or I'm sleeping on the couch" shtick is exactly that, a form of control. The only way to win those kinds of games is to refuse to play, and that's where establishing boundaries will really help.

He'll get over having to move his car parts out into his shed. However, you mention that you redecorated, but then you ask where was he willing to compromise. A compromise is when both parties give concessions in order to reach a greater good, so in the house redecorating arena, what did *you* give up? I see what he gave up (moving his tools outside, which to him was giving up something, no matter how strange that may seem), but you don't mention what you gave up.

As to the health thing, I can't really speak to that without knowing more about you. He could be as you say wanting you to fit some sort of image, or there could be some concern on his mind about your lifestyle that he's (rather poorly) trying to get across to you. Or he could be big into physical fitness himself and he had some expectation that you would be, too. 

Have you talked to him about these issues? I know you said he gets squirrelly when you broach some of these topics, but what about others? I would also caution going to friends for advice on this matter, especially if these friends are your age and at roughly the same stage of marriage (if married at all), bc they likely have as little experience being married as you do.


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