# Husband only interested when I'm passed out?



## Mercedes (May 18, 2011)

So, I guess *it's pretty cliche to be in a sexless marriage from what I read on here*, as many of you guys are going through it like champions. This is kind of the norm for me - we had a great engagement, then maybe the day we got married it slumped down to almost nothing. And when he does do it, he rarely "finishes" -- I mean almost never. I consider us *very* blessed that we have an toddler right now.  I went through so many stages the past 5 years, from turning up the flirtations, to sexy lingerie which make him feel "pressured." I have totally backed off and for that year we made love 4 times. It has not been fun, but the truth is otherwise, *I love my husband so much* that I told myself I would stick it out with him and grind through it with him. So, please no advice to leave him. I will not. I didn't marry him for his sex drive. I love him.

So, the kicker has been this year. Believe it or not, *I'm pregnant again.* (Right?! What?) I didn't understand how it was possible, but he got this funny look on his face when we were staring at the test and fessed up. Having a toddler is hard work, and our family lives on the other side of the country. So, when we get the extremely rare chance for a babysitter for date night, we take it! And it doesn't happen often. Well, over the holiday I drank more than I should have and ended up passing out. So, while I was sleeping, he did the deed (and easily finished apparently) so now we're expecting #2. To make matters worse, he re-clothed me afterwards so I feel like he is ashamed and tried to cover it up.

I don't even know how to articulate exactly how I feel. It's killing me in ways that are hard to describe. I thought I had accepted what become our life and this turned everything upside down, especially when he is again back to rejecting me for sex again and again and again. I don't understand this at all and am hurt that I could be starving for this kind of intimacy I thought he couldn't give me anymore... I had accepted he wouldn't give me anymore. I feel betrayed because he is only fessing up now because he got caught. I feel like I had no say in when we are going to have #2. I don't know if this has happened before. I'm so upset and can't get over it, and baby #2 is due in a couple of months. I know I need to talk to him, but I literally open my mouth and get so upset that nothing comes out. The look on his face is so horrible too, I can tell he's ashamed... which is not the reaction I want either.. *I just wish I understood. *

Guys: do you know how this can happen... at all?
Women: do you have any experience with this?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Divorce him. That's some seriously ducked up behavior.

Men with delayed or retarded ejaculation sometimes have emotional or mental issues. Your h s has a big one. What if this were a sister or other woman passed out? It was rape for you and it'd be rape for them. The inability to give consent is no consent.

I fully understand a man with de. I do not understand a man who has sex with someone who us passed out. Taking advantage of someone scares the hell out of me. I would be afraid to have children around him, esp. If he finds getting off with someone incapacitated easy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mercedes (May 18, 2011)

Asking a serious question: Honestly -- this doesn't happen on occasion in normal marriages?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

DE, yes. Passed out sex, only with messed up people.

Ask him how he feels about dead people.

Seriously, he needs mental help. He has severe psychosexual issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CarrieAnn (Mar 25, 2011)

Sex while you are incapacitated is abuse. I have experience with that. No pregnancy due to it, but humiliation and shame just the same. Ultimately it leads to resentment and hatred.

My counselor that I just started seeing (2 visits so far) told me my husband needs intense psychotherapy to deal with his sexual issues. There are other things he has done as well that are also abuse. She said that until HE gets help, marriage counseling will not help us.

I'm so angry at myself for putting up with it for 8 more years after I initially got the nerve to tell him it was over with us in 2003. We went to counseling for 5 months back then. He stops for awhile and then starts up again. We have 3 kids and I am a stay-at-home mom, so I have stayed for the kids. I'm working on getting out now. There are a lot of logistics that I have to work out first.

Take care of YOURSELF. Insist that he get counseling.


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## Ben (May 8, 2011)

I agree with mommy22. I don't think you should jump to conclusions. There may indeed be medical issues that are causing the problem and he needs to see a urologist.

The having sex while they are asleep fetish isn't really that rare. There is a porn category for people into that sort of stuff, and I guess whatever floats your boat. Doesn't do that much for me, however.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I've heard of some men doing this to their wives but it was in ADDITION to a normal healthy sexual relationship. These women knew about it and knew to take precautions like oh being on the birth control pill.

This douche didn't use protection, doesn't have sex with her when he's awake, so my vote is it's downright abuse and sick. This guy is seriously messed up.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Mercedes said:


> Asking a serious question: Honestly -- this doesn't happen on occasion in normal marriages?


No, I would think not - not in a normal marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mercedes said:


> Well, over the holiday I drank more than I should have and ended up passing out. So, while I was sleeping, he did the deed (and easily finished apparently) so now we're expecting #2. * To make matters worse, he re-clothed me afterwards so I feel like he is ashamed and tried to cover it up.*


Mercedes, this is NOT normal. 
He had sex with you while you were passed out and even re-re-dressed you so you would not know. 
Ask him how many other times it has happened. 
If you can't consent to sex, it's wrong.
Granted, this is your husband but him having sex wtih you while you have no memory of it and knowing full well you were not aware of it is NOT ok.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

mommy22 said:


> Could it be that he has performance anxiety? Do you think he gets nervous or afraid he can't please you? Maybe the two of you should seek counseling to get to the root of the problem. Maybe he's not the weirdo he's made out to be. He may have anxiety in that area. Encourage him to speak to a counselor with you.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Absolutely my FIRST thought when reading the original post.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I just want to make sure I understand clearly. 

He rejects your sexual advances, but he will have sex with you while you're asleep? So this isn't a one time thing where this has happened? He has done this several times? 

Since your plan is to NOT leave him, because you love him, and since you have been given advice as from others opinions as to it not being normal, (and I second that)what do you feel you need to do? 

IMO, you can't just clam up everytime you know you need to talk to him. Even if he feels ashamed, it still needs to be talked about. 

Having sex with you while you're asleep is a choice. A mental choice. It doesn't sound like a medical issue. Do you know if he is watching lots of porn? Maybe this is where the idea came from.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Ok, so your title is, "husband only interested when I'm passed out."

So did this happen one time? Or more than once because your title makes it sound like you pass out alot. 

So are you drinking and passing out? Or are you meaning he does this when you lay down at night to actually go to sleep, but not passing out from drinking?


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## Mercedes (May 18, 2011)

I'm not really sure what my plan is besides coming onto this forum and after gleaning some wisdom from you brilliant people, salvaging the situation, feeling better and watching the clouds part.

I wasn't really intending to paint him as a bad guy.. I am just having some trouble dealing with this and I don't really even understand why. And, I *really* don't know what to say to him, though as a couple of you have pointed out: I need to. I've thought about just sitting him down and saying: 'please don't have sex with me when I'm asleep' and leaving it at that. 

But, that just sounds ridiculous when I form the words in my mouth.

I don't want to undercut any of the advice on here. But, just to paint the other side: he's a great father, my daughter adores him and he is my best friend. He is sweet and very caring towards me in all other aspects of our life together, though I recognize that we clearly have some problems with our sexual relationship. 

He doesn't do porn. No one can be 100%, but I'd be surprised: he's always been honest with me when asked a direct question, even if I don't want to hear the answer. Even with this, he was..


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## Mercedes (May 18, 2011)

I don't really know if it's happened before. I found out this time because of the pregnancy. If I ask him, I know he'll tell me, but I don't know how I'll handle bad news there.

So, it sounds like we both probably need the counseling. If there is some performance anxiety or something, it will root out there.

Thanks for your help. Apologies on the double post.


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## Mercedes (May 18, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> Ok, so your title is, "husband only interested when I'm passed out."
> 
> So did this happen one time? Or more than once because your title makes it sound like you pass out alot.


The title comes from - he's not really interested in me. The only time I'm aware of is when I was passed out.

The drinking and passing out isn't really a common occurrance as we rarely have a babysitter.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

ED due to performance anxiety does not require a urologist. I am acquainted with all too many men with ED and they do not have sex without consent. Reasoning that performance anxiety somehow excuses extremely horrid behaviour is an insult to men with ED from psychological reasons.

Some do try prostitutes to try to work the problem without embarrassment and all it does is push them farther from real women. Some men need to go from behind, or cover the face of the woman. Some simply cannot succeed with a woman they care about. Some can't succeed regardless. What this guy did did not help his relationship or his sexual issues in any way. It was wrong.

There is nothing physically wrong if he got off easily. 

He needs a psychiatrist. But he ain't normal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Did you know this going into marriage? If he had sex before, he knew it and he should have told you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Mercedes said:


> I don't really know if it's happened before. I found out this time because of the pregnancy. If I ask him, I know he'll tell me, but I don't know how I'll handle bad news there.
> 
> So, it sounds like we both probably need the counseling. If there is some performance anxiety or something, it will root out there.
> 
> Thanks for your help. Apologies on the double post.


Do not be afraid to talk to him about this. It needs to be addressed, if not, it will more than likely happen again. 

Also after baby number 2, unless you plan on more kids, you might want to look into some birth control or getting fixed, if this is something that could happen again.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Hi darling, daddy and i, er, well, daddy conceived you while I was asleep. Of course that means I wanted you. Daddy just wanted to cum and he can't unless I'm unconscious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I don't think anyone here is trying to paint him as the devil or anything, but I do think they are telling you what he is doing is mentally off. 

While you're trying to figure out the right way to talk to him and the right way to go about it, time is ticking away. He truly may feel ashamed, then again his "ashamed" reaction may be a way for him to not address the issue. Perhaps he knows you wont say anything any further.

Obviously you are somewhat bothered by this, or you wouldn't be here asking. Surely you feel you are worth more than a deposit box for him. 

Some one else here had a question on the same thing I as wondering. It happened when you were passed out drunk. Does he do this while you are asleep too? NOT passed out drunk asleep, but asleep in general? I would think that would wake you up?

Talk with him tonight about this. His reaction is of no concern to you, you have a right to know whats going on and why.


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## CarrieAnn (Mar 25, 2011)

Mercedes said:


> I wasn't really intending to paint him as a bad guy.. I am just having some trouble dealing with this and I don't really even understand why. And, I *really* don't know what to say to him, though as a couple of you have pointed out: I need to. I've thought about just sitting him down and saying: 'please don't have sex with me when I'm asleep' and leaving it at that.


Mercedes, that's a good start. However, he needs help. If your situation is at all like mine, he will continue to do this. He'll stop for awhile out of shame, but he will start again if he doesn't address the issues that are causing him to do it.

My husband too is a great guy. Everyone loves him. He's kind and helpful and fun. We eat dinner together as a family every night. He is helpful around the house. We don't fight or bicker.

However, he is abusing me. I was so desperate to keep this family intact that I have put up with it for YEARS. I'm terrified of what the future holds for me now, but I cannot allow it anymore. You should not either. Addressing the issue is SCARY! I still have not said the words to my husband yet. It was only Monday when I met with the counselor, so I'm still processing that I have been abused all these years. I always just let it go as his poor communication skills. I even went so far as to blame myself for his actions (telling myself he wouldn't be doing this if I were more receptive, that sort of thing). The counselor said I need to start looking at myself and recognizing/changing patterns in my decision making that subjugate me to others. Every time I would say to her, "But he's going to be so upset when I bring this up..." She would shoot back at me, "You are sacrificing yourself to protect his feelings."

You have acknowledged some helpful advice here, so please don't let the opportunity pass. Have more respect for yourself. I'm trying too.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

This is not an attack at all on the OP, it's a real question: How drunk does one have to be that they pass out and aren't awakened by someone having sex with them? 

Also... how often has that level of intoxication happened while you have been married? Is it possible to be in a deep sleep, no alcohol or drugs, and someone has sex with you and you don't awaken? And, knowing this now -- will you even take a drop of alcohol in the future without addressing this with him?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I was going to ask essentially the same questions 2xloser. Sounds like there is an alcohol problem. Nonetheless, what her husband did was inexcusable. He needs to get in therapy ASAP!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Take this from a slightly "not normal" sex appetite male. It's not normal. It is more than likely a fetish, and not something to freak out about like most people will tell you to do. But the fact that he NEVER told you about this need before impregnating you is a major red flag.


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## Mercedes (May 18, 2011)

2xloser said:


> This is not an attack at all on the OP, it's a real question: How drunk does one have to be that they pass out and aren't awakened by someone having sex with them?
> 
> Also... how often has that level of intoxication happened while you have been married? Is it possible to be in a deep sleep, no alcohol or drugs, and someone has sex with you and you don't awaken? And, knowing this now -- will you even take a drop of alcohol in the future without addressing this with him?


OK, well - you say this isn't an attack on the OP, so I'm to assume your question is driven by a scholarly curiosity on the human limits of alcohol consumption? Either that, or you're insinuating that you don't believe me. I really don't know how it can be taken another way. If it's the former - I don't really know. I guess it depends on the height / weight and tolerance of each individual. If it's the latter, then ce le vie -- this is an anonymous board and you have to make your own judgments about people given the info they provide. There's nothing I can say to convince you either way, nor do I care to try.

To others: I'm not stressed about it happening *right* now - I'm a light sleeper with our daughter on the baby monitor. And I don't drink at all pregnant. Mainly, I came here because I've been mulling on this for 7 months and can't seem to get over it. It upsets me every day.

I did see him over lunch, but couldn't bring it up. I WILL talk to him tonight; he already knows something is up.

Thank you for the support and encouragement to do the right thing for us both.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

i have a lot of weird sexual desires and consider myself a little left of center and yet would never imagine having sex with an onconscous level to be normal. I can understand calling it rape so don't want to ignore the charictorization as it is not a great leap (or perhaps it is by definition rape as it was not consentual). 

That said he may have thought you would have woken. I find it interesting that you could put yourself into a state where intercourse woudl not awaken you and only you know if there is a problem there. 

Perhaps he thought you would awaken and did it with less then impure intentions, he finished without awakening you then realized how messed up it was and dressed you. Still messed up that he never mentioned it. 

I don't necessarily agree that he is so sick that you should leave him or that this could recurr. I do think the situation is serious enough to warrant counseling given the situation.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Your feelings about the matter are not abnormal, so I'm sorry that some of the responses didn't give the support you needed. When you feel safe and protected with someone, your instinct tells you that something is really wrong when something like this happens, but this feels like betrayal in another sense to suggest that they deliberately harmed you. You're just left in the middle: confused.

As a young boy, I was sexually abused by a couple who were caretakers while my mother was hospitalized for a breakdown due to the murder of my oldest brother. They were drunk, and noticed my early 'development'. Later, my mother was never stable, and there were abandonment issues. 

I buried this confusing episode for years, but it took time to accept it when my therapist told me that it was abuse. These were the people who were always kind to me. Once it settled in, more and more later episodes came to surface.

Its hard to say that your husband didn't do a very similar thing to you. I'm sorry. I recommend that you take it slow. See a therapist and deal with it one day at a time.


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## CarrieAnn (Mar 25, 2011)

Halien said:


> I buried this confusing episode for years, but it took time to accept it when my therapist told me that it was abuse.


That has been the hardest thing for me -- recognizing that what I have been going through for all these years with the one I loved (past tense now) was abuse. I thought I had a sex problem. And I did/do. It just isn't MY problem. Well, indirectly it is, but it stemmed from his taking advantage of me when I was drunk and from making selfish demands for sex in ways I was not comfortable. Even after trying what he wanted and saying I didn't care for it, going to counseling to work through it, he would continue to try, particularly if I were drunk. I dreaded the annual Christmas parties. Sure I had the option NOT to drink, but it was such a great escape for me to get away from the kids and stay in a fancy hotel. He was like a kid in a candy store on those sorts of occasions.

Arrrrrrgh. I hate even talking about this. I wanted this family to succeed. Now all I feel is resentment and anger.

Good luck, Mercedes!


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

This is a terrible thing to think but I too wondered how it would be possible to not be woken up by sex. I've heard another case where it was true without the liquor - the guy must've been a heavy sleeper. But you're not. Were you extremely drunk, like teenage party drunk? If not, I wonder if there's a possibility he put something in the drink to make you zonk out more completely?

It's a terrible thing to think... but a possibility considering how odd this whole thing is. If that is the case, this may have happened to you any number of times.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Roooth said:


> I wonder if there's a possibility he put something in the drink to make you zonk out more completely?


I think this is highly possible given this situation. I mean I've been very drunk before but not so much that I wouldn't notice someone having sex with me.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I'm assuming the first child wasn't conceived out of you being passed out? 

I'm confused a little by your OP because in some sentences you say passed out, as in drinking, in other sentences you say sleeping, which makes it sound like you laid down to go to sleep because you were tired, not passed out from drinking. I hope you have a talk with him. Let us know what he says.


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## Mercedes (May 18, 2011)

AgentD said:


> I'm assuming the first child wasn't conceived out of you being passed out?
> 
> I'm confused a little by your OP because in some sentences you say passed out, as in drinking, in other sentences you say sleeping, which makes it sound like you laid down to go to sleep because you were tired, not passed out from drinking. I hope you have a talk with him. Let us know what he says.


Our first baby was planned.

The baby I'm carrying now was conceived while I was passed out drunk - which my husband admits, but I don't remember it. It's some other users that are questioning whether someone can sleep through sex... which I don't really know how to respond to. I really don't. I mean, what can I say? 

*What I do remember* is that: we got a babysitter, my husband volunteered to be DD, and man did I take him up on it. Which is my fault; I got way too drunk. After we got home I went to bed. In the morning, I woke up with my clothes on and a hangover and continued on with my life. 

*It wasn't until weeks later* that I was staring at an impossible pregnancy test, since we hadn't made love in months, that he told me what happened.

*I accept that some criticism of me is fair. * I understand now that I put myself in a vulnerable position. I guess I'm realizing that I've always felt safe when I'm with him... not that I'm *unsafe* now at home.. I mean: He's always supported me (emotionally) and been on my side. He still is. I've never felt vulnerable at home when he's there. He's never given me a reason to mistrust him, except on *this one thing... this one time.* And so that makes me an enabler, right? And that's my fault - I get it. I'm not used to being on my guard at home - but this is not an excuse for me.

*I did talk to him.* It was short. I told him that it upset me that I didn't have a say at all when we got pregnant. He said that he was very sorry, and didn't intend for me to get pregnant.

I told him that I didn't want him to have sex with me if I wasn't awake. He said: "I know. I understand. It won't happen again."

That was it - no fight. No drama. It makes me wonder in a way what I was so worried about.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Mercedes said:


> Asking a serious question: Honestly -- this doesn't happen on occasion in normal marriages?


No.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> Hi darling, daddy and i, er, well, daddy conceived you while I was asleep. Of course that means I wanted you. Daddy just wanted to cum and he can't unless I'm unconscious.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you discuss the circumstances of conception with your children? While I agree that this guy needs some help, I think you are dramatizing a bit.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Mercedes said:


> Guys: do you know how this can happen... at all?
> Women: do you have any experience with this?


Forums are really good for basic stuff. This is definitely NOT basic stuff. In my opinion, such as it is, the only advice you should really take from a forum such as this on such a scary issues is seek counseling yesterday.

Good luck to you!

S


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Mercedes said:


> Our first baby was planned.
> 
> The baby I'm carrying now was conceived while I was passed out drunk - which my husband admits, but I don't remember it. It's some other users that are questioning whether someone can sleep through sex... which I don't really know how to respond to. I really don't. I mean, what can I say?
> 
> ...


I don't think you should blame your self in any way. Of course you trusted your husband. You should have been able to trust him, he's supposed to protect you and love and cherish you. It doesn't matter what state you are in.

I think you need to address more than this, you are making out like it's no big deal (it is, and you wouldn't have been thinking about it and posted about it if it wasn't) and so is he- don't rug sweep. You won't fully trust him again, and then you still have all the other sexual issues in your marriage. You both need counseling at the very least. I really hope you don't ignore this.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

i still think the man needs psychiatric help. i also think OP is in a bit of denial and doesn't want to truly believe her husband is sick bc he's so amazing in so many other ways.

OP it feels like you've be victimized a lot...i say this bc i see you blaming yourself and making yourself out to be the one at fault. that is common when people are so used to be victimized by those they trust and love.


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## CarrieAnn (Mar 25, 2011)

I'd also like to add a big thank you to the folks who are giving such great feedback to the OP. It is really helping ME in my own abuse situation. It has been VERY hard for me to accept that I have been being abused. I hope some of it is also helping Mercedes (the OP).


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## marriedwithkids1 (Nov 10, 2010)

Mercedes, 

I think people want to label your husbands actions is natural and understanding. Rape is a serious issue and should not be minimized. Many of us have been involved with or know friends that have been in Grey area rape situations that were terrible and should never have happened. As women we have a duty to eachother that people as well as the law interprets thes laws to protect women. Historically, there has a tendancy to excuse the overzealous guy and blame the victim. That said there are many gray areas and labeling this situation as rape while falling under rape may be unfair unless you understand more about the situation. Unfortunately the truth may never be know and it very well may be your H is actually very disturbed. It is hard for the writers of the posts to trully to know this. 

To be clear you should be very causious. Your first inclination is to sweep this under the rug to maintain the status quo with your relationship. To do otherwise will be tramatic but, perhaps better than staying with someone who has a real problem. The fact that he went to such effort to hide this gives me reason for concern. I think it would have been better for him to leave you naked for example and let you know what happened. I can kind of accept if he innocently/not so innocently trying to awaken you with some lovin', you failed to wake up, and he perhaps finished if he had left you naked and explained to you what he had done. You may have been pissed but, re-dressing you seems bizarr to say the least. Either he felt guilty and new it was wrong or perhaps he wanted to leave the door open for this sort of thing in the future. You may never know. 

On the flip side the Ben's comment is not totally out of context here. I am sure many men don't want to "go there". I would imagine a BJ while asleep is legally and practically rape. The woman has engaged in a sexual act without consent. If you are going to plug in double stadard mitigations because of gender biases then fine. But, understand you cannot go strickly by the letter of the law and make exceptions in one case and not another. 

Forgetting the law iI think you would fist need to determine intent. AKA did your husband intend on completing his task while you were asleep or was he intending on awaking you this way. That to me would be important to know. i am not sure you will ever get the truth if it his ententions were otherwise. It would not make it right perhaps but, less wrong. 

I agree with others though and would not be convinced that your H is not into porn or whatever. Statistically many married men admit to using porn while the statistics of women who think that their H uses porn is much less. Therefore many men are hiding it well. At this point I would want to know if he were lying about this too. Not that this would be a smoking gun but, give you better insight. 

It is your decision to forgive your H or not based upon this. I would however NOT at all forget. I would seek counseling. Part of me would want my H to take a lie dedector test but, that may not be practical or legal. I would definately do some snooping and make sure your hubby is what you think. There have been many rapists and serial killers that hid these "dirty little secrets" from their parents, other family members, friends and spouces. Some of them were very bright people. Again, I would caution you from sweeping this under the carpet or taking any one person's opinion as gospel. 

Good luck


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

My point about the child is to say how the child's conception will always recall a terrible event, husband or not. Surely you've heard of hyperbole.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> ED due to performance anxiety does not require a urologist. I am acquainted with all too many men with ED and they do not have sex without consent. Reasoning that performance anxiety somehow excuses extremely horrid behaviour is an insult to men with ED from psychological reasons.
> 
> Some do try prostitutes to try to work the problem without embarrassment and all it does is push them farther from real women. Some men need to go from behind, or cover the face of the woman. Some simply cannot succeed with a woman they care about. Some can't succeed regardless. What this guy did did not help his relationship or his sexual issues in any way. It was wrong.
> 
> ...


Are prostitutes not "real women"? I thought the female ones were! :rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

The OP is in a sexually abusive marriage. She is responding the way most women in sexually abusive relationships do: with minimizing and excusing the behavior. I would not want to give birth to a child of sexual abuse, but that is a personal choice.

I was with a charismatic and predatory older man when I was 
20. He often bullied me into sex by bombarding me with questions and insults when I refused. I only had sex with this guy to get him to stop bothering me and pressuring me. 
He tried to convince me that I enjoyed it because I came; orgasm is a reflex. I only came because my eyes were squeezed shut and I was leaving the room mentally. To this day, he would say that our relationship was passionate. I saw it as an old man taking advantage of a sheltered little girl. He was ugly!

Ben is not worth answering. He is clearly perverse and ignorant; he once called me a lesbian because I claimed to know how a woman thinks. He will get himself banned, so don't worry about his BS.  I will be using my blocking feature, so that I do not get dumber from reading his nonsense.


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## CarrieAnn (Mar 25, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> I only had sex with this guy to get him to stop bothering me and pressuring me.
> He tried to convince me that I enjoyed it because I came; orgasm is a reflex. I only came because my eyes were squeezed shut and I was leaving the room mentally. To this day, he would say that our relationship was passionate.


OMG! That is my life. He would NEVER in a million years agree that that is my life, but he does not live inside my head. I have been his blow up doll for years. He doesn't care if I am involved or not. He's just happy to be "getting some." I stopped wanting him years ago due to his selfish demands for anal sex even after we did it (several times) and I said I didn't care for it. I kept having sex with him out of obligation. Every time he would attempt anal even though I had already said I didn't want to. If I were drunk, he thought that the ultimate opportunity. Eventually, I stopped wanting sex altogether because I knew that that demand was coming.

But even now, after my eyes have been opened to my reasons for straying from this relationship, I still see him as a nice guy. He did not do those things with the INTENT to harm me. He just made very bad errors in judgment. I WANT to forgive him, but I think the damage is so deep, we will NEVER have a normal sexual relationship again. I don't want to touch him lovingly and gently. I don't want to kiss him. I don't want him to do those things to me either. Once my counselor explained to me that I have been abused all these years, I have made a decision that I am done. I knew it before, but never had a "valid" reason for leaving. I kept blaming myself for messing up our family.

Thank you to all of you who have opened up and shared your experiences on Talk About Marriage.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

The older perv kept pressuring me for butt sex too...I refused every single time to no avail, the more he pushed, the more I resisted.

I tried anal with my husband because Mr.G made me feel comfortable and never badgered me about it. He wanted some this morning, but I said no because we had no lube and dry anal is difficult. My husband graciously understood.


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## CarrieAnn (Mar 25, 2011)

And that is how it should be, Mrs. G.!


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

The other comment I wanted to make is that it is really irrelevant to be discussing what may or may not have happened to OP from a legal perspective.

The OP posted about her emotional (and quite appropriate) reaction she has had to what her husband did to her. This is not a court of law. People do plenty of damaging, hurtful, sadistic things to other people without breaking any laws, but that doesn't mean those actions are okay or any less hurtful or destructive. 

OP posted to get affirmation about her FEELINGS, from what I can tell. I'm happy that some folks have given her the affirmation she deserves and needs. But she did not come on here asking for legal advice regarding what happened to her. 

To debate whether her experience was rape or not implies that her feelings are only valid if her husband raped her or broke the law in some way. I think that is utter bull$hit. Her feelings are valid. Period. 

Mom6547 - sorry about misreading your post! You gave good advice!


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> Are prostitutes not "real women"? I thought the female ones were! :rofl::rofl::rofl:


Women who are taken seriously and not used as objects. They are real enough but are no way equivalent to women these guys want a relationship with. So in a sense, no, they are not real women to these men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> Women who are taken seriously and not used as objects. They are real enough but are no way equivalent to women these guys want a relationship with. So in a sense, no, they are not real women to these men.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Gotcha. :smthumbup: Thanks for the clarification.
On the flip side, goldiggers look at a man and only see his wallet, car and home. They don't care about the person, just the riches.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Sounds like rape to me. Serious counseling is in order.

I am wondering if he cleaned up the "mess" he made too?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> Gotcha. :smthumbup: Thanks for the clarification.
> On the flip side, goldiggers look at a man and only see his wallet, car and home. They don't care about the person, just the riches.


They are another whole sad species, I am afraid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Silhouette (Mar 8, 2011)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Sounds like rape to me. Serious counseling is in order.
> 
> I am wondering if he cleaned up the "mess" he made too?


I was wondering about that, too. She did say he put her clothes back on her and she woke up completely dressed.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

This is rape. 100%, no question, *RAPE*. 

You cannot trust a man who will rape you while you are unconscious.

I cannot understand _why_ the other replies were not also shouting the fact that this is rape. Can't all of you recognize rape when you see it?

*Your husband raped you*. That, I know, is the truth but I have no idea what you should do next. I suggest finding a counceler ASAP. 

I suspect that when the baby is born whatever shock you may be in now will begin to wear off & you may be dealing with the aftermath of this assault. Better to get some help now, IMO. 

You & your children are in my prayers.


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## chickenlittle (Mar 5, 2011)

Does he tend to your emotional needs? Do you feel emotionally connected to him? Does he exhibit empathy? If so, that is a good sign. On the other hand...

It is possible he is deeply insecure and is too self conscious for consensual sex. 

Perhaps he needs ultimate control and does not want to deal with the unpredictability of your responses or having to reciprocate.

Is it possible he is a narcissist? 

"Sees people as objects:
The narcissist is only satisfied when things go according to plan, his plan of course. If not, he is displeased. As such, his relentless insistence on perfection, makes him too anxious to leave room for loving people. Consequently, he lacks empathy and has no genuine respect for people, as empathy and respect both have to have a basis of love for one’s fellow human being. And therefore he is unable to appreciate the personhood of people. He rather views them as objects, preferably extensions of his own will."

Anatomy of Narcissism v1.0 (i) – What and How « Phil's Philosophy


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

One thing I didn't see addressed is why OP is getting pissed passed out? I don't know about you but I'd have to be roofied to the eyeballs to not know someone was spreading my legs, penetrating me repeatedly and cumming in me (ok so I'm not a woman but you get the point).

What's that about?


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> One thing I didn't see addressed is why OP is getting pissed passed out? I don't know about you but I'd have to be roofied to the eyeballs to not know someone was spreading my legs, penetrating me repeatedly and cumming in me (ok so I'm not a woman but you get the point).
> 
> What's that about?


Honestly, I was wondering this too. Not so much the spreading & penetrating, but the results of all that. 

When I have sex, well... let's just say my body has definite signs of it the next morning. And the, ahem, "odor" of a man stays with ya for quite a while, if nothing else. 

I'm really trying to keep this as PG as I can.


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