# Porn issue. how to confront him



## freshnikar

I have known my husband to have a porn issue for the last 2 years but he is very very secretive about it and has been deleting histories on his private password protected computer. However I recently discovered he has been looking on some escort sites and even has a number of a local escort on his computer saved in files. I am devastated by this and not sure what is he trying to do

Can somebody give me advise on confronting him? The more likely thing he is going to say is he was just looking and it is nothing serious. I don't have proof he has done anything.I do have some pages saved of his browser history looking at lesbian porn and some threesome videos. I also found an account he made in 2010 on a adult friend finder site but no activity after making the account.

He is not very enthusiastic about sex with me .He thinks all girls orgasm from the inside which I am unable to do .I do need oral to get horny and he won't do it because he thinks it is dirty Sex has become very mechanical and I have started refusing it these days.


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## BioFury

Unfortunately, your marriage appears to be at the stage at which discussion is of little value. I'd purchase a voice activated recorder, and place it in his car. I'd also purchase a GPS tracker, and place it within his car as well.

What state are you in?


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## freshnikar

working on the GPS now as well as voice recorder. I don't really want a divorce but don't know how to proceed


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## hifromme67

You are in for one hell of a battle. My husband is in treatment for porn addiction (nothing additional) and it has been difficult. He is not wanting sex with you because he is either getting it elsewhere or masturbating to porn. I would stop having sex with him completely until somethjng happens here. You do not want to risk am std. 


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## EleGirl

Here is a link for you...


https://yourbrainonporn.com/


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## Vinnydee

There was a recent article about Millennials having sex less often than my generation. One of the major reasons was the ready and free porn that they get online. Much easier to just masturbate to whatever fantasy you like that day than to have sex with the same women you have been having sex with for the last few years. No surprises or excitement of the unknown in a marital bed most times. Many men are living their sex lives online. There they can do whatever fetish they are into and view new ones. 

I would not worry too much about him registering with an adult finder site as I have done that just to see what it was like and who in my area was looking for sex. The escort service is more troubling if he is saving the phone number. I was like your husband for a year after my wife and I left our longtime girlfriend. The sex was not as exciting as it used to be since our girlfriend was up for anything while my wife is not. So I started to live my fantasies online. It got to the point that I lost interest in sex with my wife because I got used to all the extreme stuff I saw online and sex in reality is not like it is in porn. Sex became very boring and I rather masturbate to something that arouses me then have sex with my wife in the same way we have for the last 44 years. 

So I am familiar with what is going on with your husband and why he lost interest in sex with you. Most times when my wife asked for sex I had already masturbated a few times that day. Even when we did have sex, it was boring in comparison to the stuff I was masturbating to. Have you asked him about any fantasies or fetishes he would like to try with you? Most people are afraid to talk about their fetish desires and as a result, turn to porn. It can also happen if the wife is not into anything but vanilla sex all the time. I have found that trying new things puts a spark in our sex life. I always looked for new sexual fetish when our sex life was diminishing. The danger there is that sex produces the hormone Oxytocin that emotionally bonds the couple together. It is the same powerful hormone that bonds a mother to her child. The more you are exposed to it, the stronger your bond and desire to have sex. If you reduce sex it result in not desiring sex as much. I even had scheduled mandatory sex nights that put us together no matter what. At first we just talked and made out but soon we were having sex and the frequency of sex made us want it more and we did away with the mandatory sex nights. This is a method often proposed by professionals dealing with a lack of sex with couples for various reasons. 

You can talk to him in general and not let him know that you know what he has been looking at. Find out what he is into in a frank and non judgemental way. If you are not into anything but vanilla sex, you have a problem. He will either withdraw further into porn as his main sex life or find someone to play with in real life. Good luck and just communicate and don't let him blow you off because he is ashamed of his sexual fantasies. I would tell him that you read an article about how to prevent your sex life from becoming boring. Then tell him you are game for trying something new but need suggestions from him since he knows more about this than you do. Go from there.


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## EleGirl

Here is a lot more to your situation that what you posted here on this thread. Your other thread has more info.

I'm not sure why you are concentrating just on the porn. Your husband is cheating with escorts/prostitutes, and doing a lot more that is just wrong. 

You said that you found an account from 2010. Is he still using that account?

You need the solid evidence to confront him with. We told you that on your other thread. He's going to deny everything so you need the proof.



freshnikar said:


> We have been married for 15 years , the first years were fine for some reason I thought my husband didn't have a high sex drive as he never showed must interest only about once a month and it would be very mechanical so I never thought it would be an issue. I can't orgasm from the inside, he did make fun of it sometimes but admitted once that it made him feel inadequate as he can only please me with rubbing from outside. Again I didn't think it was a huge issue.
> 
> About 2 years ago I started noticing a change in his attitude and discovered he was an having an affair with a lady in texas and had invited her to a hotel for 2 days in the local area. He had also booked a flight and a hotel room for her. For some reason the lady backed off and changed her phone # and went away before she even came to the hotel, however I confronted him and threatened to leave. He did admit he was talking to ther but said their relationship was purely platonic and was planning to rent a Seperate hotel room from her. He begged and begged me to stay and said he would do anything to keep me .As this was a first mistake so I forgave him
> 
> Fast forward I just discovered he has been looking at local area escorts, pornogorphy involving threesomes and even lesbian porn.(he has no interest in oral sex with me I assume he likes to do it to other women ) He is from the far east and is obssesed with white girls ( I am not white) To add insult to injury he has a phone number in his personal password protected computer about a local escort.
> 
> I am so lost. i don't know what to do. Divorce is very hard as we have a large amount of assets plus an autistic child
> 
> Can somebody give me advise ? He is going to get very angry about me hacking his computer but I just felt this was necessary
> 
> Also can somebody tell me how to confront him this time? I have all evidence printed out what I found from the computer


Talk About Marriage - Reply to Topic


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## uhtred

I'd suggest drawing a very clear line:

Porn is OK if he is not neglecting you sexually. Interactions other women including prostitutes are absolutely not OK. 

The excuse that he looked up an escort is just barely possible. I've looked at websites purely out of curiosity. Saving a phone number is a whole different thing. Any contact is a whole different thing. 



freshnikar said:


> I have known my husband to have a porn issue for the last 2 years but he is very very secretive about it and has been deleting histories on his private password protected computer. However I recently discovered he has been looking on some escort sites and even has a number of a local escort on his computer saved in files. I am devastated by this and not sure what is he trying to do
> 
> Can somebody give me advise on confronting him? The more likely thing he is going to say is he was just looking and it is nothing serious. I don't have proof he has done anything.I do have some pages saved of his browser history looking at lesbian porn and some threesome videos. I also found an account he made in 2010 on a adult friend finder site but no activity after making the account.
> 
> He is not very enthusiastic about sex with me .He thinks all girls orgasm from the inside which I am unable to do .I do need oral to get horny and he won't do it because he thinks it is dirty Sex has become very mechanical and I have started refusing it these days.


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## peacem

Sorry to be a Debbie downer but you are in for the long-haul healing if you both want to save your marriage.

He is using porn instead of sex
He *may* be wanting to escalate that to prostitutes (porn does get very boring, very quickly if used often)
He has no clue about your sexuality or how to sexually satisfy you, he may have insecurities about his own performance so porn is easy. 

There may be some other personal issues that you haven't shared with us.

So I think those 3 areas require a huge amount of trust building, honesty, vulnerability, habit changing, re-education that doesn't come overnight. It may take years and it can be exhausting.

..and you know when you confront him he will lie his head off so you need to protect yourself from that. 

Is he worth it?


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## She'sStillGotIt

freshnikar said:


> He is not very enthusiastic about sex with me .He thinks all girls orgasm from the inside which I am unable to do .I do need oral to get horny and he won't do it because he thinks it is dirty Sex has become very mechanical and I have started refusing it these days.


Yet ANOTHER idiot who got his 'education' from porn. There sure are a lot of them out there.

I had to laugh about this fool saying oral sex is 'dirty' when he's more than likely been paying hookers to have sex with him for years. Because yannow, paying women to have sex with your ignorant ass is SO much less 'dirty.'

Of course he'll lie when you confront him. He'll probably claim a 'hacker' got into his phone/computer and made that Adult FriendFinder account, watched the porn, contacted hookers and even saved the local escort's number. He sounds like a real prince.

I really hope you're not in a country that has a higher respect for dung beetles than it does women, or you'll probably be stuck with this miscreant for the rest of your life.


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## KrisAmiss

Virtual Affairs, BDSM fantasies, 26 years in

My husband also has done online junk, much interaction through screens. I read it can be a sign of depression. When I asked him about that, he said. Hmm. I hadn't put that name to it...

He's been suicidal before and has had such thoughts a lot this past year while making many online "friends." He's dissatisfied with many aspects of his life.

I think it's really sad how you and are so freakin forgiving with this complete disrespect. It's a completely selfish act(s) and an easy way out. I've called him on it and he's *supposed* to be at least off the sites where you chat/simulate sex with people who could meet in real life. He's lied very easily though so I'm not at all sure he's not or that this is going to work out. I'm just giving it that ole college try, one last time.

And then I get on TAM and read about all these guys wanting to have sex with their wives but the wives don't want. Lawd, it's not fair!


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## Edo Edo

KrisAmiss said:


> And then I get on TAM and read about all these guys wanting to have sex with their wives but the wives don't want. Lawd, it's not fair!



It's really NOT fair, is it? Sometimes I think high sex drive people marrying low drive people is some kind of cosmic joke to limit enjoyable types of exercise...


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## uhtred

Yeah, that goes both ways. 

reading posts where women will do anything to please their husbands in the hope of getting any attention in return make we want to scream. 

Sometimes it seems that the more passionate and giving a lover someone is, the worse of a lump they find themselves with. (not really true, the people in happy relationships aren't posting here).

So, yes, in 30 years I've almost never turned my wife down for anything sexual - and then only because I was sick - and promised (and offered to deliver) a rain check. 




KrisAmiss said:


> And then I get on TAM and read about all these guys wanting to have sex with their wives but the wives don't want. Lawd, it's not fair!


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## Randy2

Dealing with this myself


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## Stormguy2018

Sorry, but I don't see much future here. Best to get an attorney and start to move on.


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## MZMEE

Ok. My husband has a porn issue so I am about to give you advice from experience.

1. You need to make him comfortable about talking about his porn issue. Take it out of the secret mode and let him know where you stand about porn. If you are ok with him looking at porn, he needs to know that so that he doesn't feel embarrassed.

2. Discuss the boundaries of porn for your marriage. Though I feel porn is a detriment to marriage and it should be totally eliminated, I have also realized it is a losing battle depending on how far the addiction has gone.

3. If he thinks oral sex on you is dirty, ask him to rub you off instead of orally doing it. Put some KY on his fingers and it has the same affect as the tongue.

4. Ask him how you two can bring excitement to your sexual life. No you can't ever compete with porn because it's not realistic. This is going to be the biggest challenge because his brain has been stimulated by the images porn brings and this is the problem with porn and marriage. It really does kill marital sex.

5. Ask him about the escort thing. What you DON'T want to happen is for him to develop a desire to get the porn level sex outside of your marriage. I feel like he is inching his way to that if he is looking at escorts. What he can't do with you, he will do with someone who will do the things he imagines? So this has to really be discussed. you need to tell him the consequences for going outside of the marriage for sex.

6. Participate in the porn with him. make a "date night" of looking at porn together.

Again...I don't wish for porn to be a part of your marriage but if he is not willing to stop and you don't want to get a divorce over porn..then you have to figure out a middle and acceptable resolve.

Good luck.


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## wilson

You need to be realistic about what the future holds. It is highly unlikely that it will be like "You confront. He gives it up. You live happily ever after." The most likely thing is that you have numerous arguments, counselling, multiple relapses, he goes more underground, you have to constantly be in super-sleuth mode, etc. etc. 

From your other thread: 


freshnikar said:


> I am so lost. i don't know what to do.Divorce is very hard as we have a large amount of assets plus an autistic child


It's actually good you have a lot of assets. Although that means the actual divorce proceedings would be difficult, you would likely be in a good place financially when it's all over. I don't know your child, but often autistic kids can fit pretty well into the mainstream. Schools often have services to help kids do well, so it may not necessarily be a prohibitive amount of effort if you were a single parent.


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## Adelais

zombie thread resurrected. Poster hasn't been back to this thread in over a year.
@Randy2 it would be better for you to start a thread about your issue so posters will direct their posts to you, instead of to freshnikar who started this thread.


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