# Fattness and marriage



## wifeiam (Apr 1, 2013)

I am really concerned with how fat is effecting our marriage. My husband was fat when I married him but fairly active. He has put on even more weight (probably 150# or more overweight). I was maybe 20 pounds too heavy when I married him and now I am very fat too. I feel like I have just followed his bad habits (my fault completely). I am finding the fat is really bothering me. I am trying to lose but he doesn't seem to be and it is very hard doing it alone, I end up backsliding (still my fault). I am noticing he is having a 'fat smell' and it is nasty. My clothes are busting at the seams too and fat is not attractive on either of us. I want us both to be healthier and more active for ourselves and our kids. We have a lousy sex life and I'm sure this contributes. He is not a large man in that one way(I have never blamed him for that or let that be a deal breaker, I was not born a supermodel either) but with all the fat pad around it makes the situation worse and just too fat and lethargic to get the job done. Anyone successfully overcome this or can relate:scratchhead:?


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Weight gain and penis size are inversely proportional, that much I've read enough to take as truth without reference. Something about fat distribution.
This seems to be a common thread, and one of the easier ones to answer though probably hard to ne successful. 
First if he was heavy when you married then you got what you paid for. Hard to Change people.
Second its simple....see a doctor first, then change your diet and exercise more. Heck just have more sex we burn a lot of calories in the bedroom.
My unproven theory is you need a routine.
Without a daily exercise plan you have no hope.
As for eating calories in less than calories out.
Yes your children will suffer you owe them a healthy home or you are not doing your job as a parent.
Take the initiative...step one see your family doctor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think it starts with talking to your husband about how you're feeling, and getting you both on the same page. From there, you can both work together to making changes in your lives that will include eating healthier and being more active. But if you're not in agreement with each other on the need to make those changes, it will make your job that much harder, and he may fight you along the way.

If he doesn't see the need to make any changes, then you can start on your own, and see if he'll catch on. He may not like seeing you become fitter and sexier, and may feel motivated to change to keep from losing you. People can get insecure about being less attractive than their partners. But this insecurity can work against the two of you as we'll, as the other way he can maintain the balance is by preventing you from changing. He may try undermining your efforts by encouraging unhealthy behaviours. You would need to hang in there and stick to your plan regardless.

In my marriage, I decided to make lifestyle changes for my sake. I didn't approach my wife to change at all, even though she was more out of shape (and fatter) than I was. In the end, I think it really hurt our already poor sex life as her already poor self image was even more damaged by me dropping over 50 pounds and getting back to my 20 year old weight and waist size. She didn't want me to see her naked, she stopped coming to bed when she knew I was awake, etc. I never felt unattracted to her, and don't think I did anything to make her feel that way, but it was in her mind. In the end, I think that was one of the last straws in our marriage. But I wasn't going back to my unhealthy ways...

Anyway... Long story. . You can avoid this by getting him on the same page. Keep in mind that if he gets on board with you, he will likely lose weight faster than you, since he's a guy. It's not fair, but that's the way life works usually. Just hang in there, and make sure to make long term lifestyle changes. Don't look for a "magic bullet" fix that you can't sustain. 

C


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

I can relate on some level.

My husband and I both lost alot of weight prior to our wedding as we wanted to look our best. Over the course of the following 6 years I gained a total of 15kg (contendeness, 2 kids in 2 years, bad habits etc). My husband also managed to gain the same amount. Apparently there's a whole theory behind sympathy pregnancy weight gain?

Anyway, I decided I was gonna do something about it. I always had meltdowns before going out as had nothing to wear and carried myself like I wanted to hide. I always encouraged him to join me but he always refused and it used to frustrate me, he would be condescending about me working out and would not even CONSIDER us joining a gym together. 

Nonetheless, I continued (weightwatchers is how I lost it) and as soon as people started to compliment me and I started to wear sexier clothes (cos I felt more confident) he started paying more interest in weight loss.

Anyway, last year he and I both started bootcamp. We made time sacrifices so we could go together. We encouraged eachother and our sex life improved significantly. He started to act differently. Way more confident and vain (in a good way).

As it happens, we've gained some of it again (as we slipped into old habits) but we are starting Bootcamp again this week to nip it in the bud before it gets out of control.

Make a start. Be his role model. Make it a priority in your life. I promise you he will follow suit eventually.


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## wifeiam (Apr 1, 2013)

Gseries said:


> Weight gain and penis size are inversely proportional, that much I've read enough to take as truth without reference. Something about fat distribution.
> This seems to be a common thread, and one of the easier ones to answer though probably hard to ne successful.
> First if he was heavy when you married then you got what you paid for. Hard to Change people.
> Second its simple....see a doctor first, then change your diet and exercise more. Heck just have more sex we burn a lot of calories in the bedroom.
> ...


Thanks for your feedback. It is true that the formula is simple-less calories then those burned. I just need to get off my arse and do it. Maybe it will motivate him and maybe not but my kids and I will still benefit. Think I'll start today.


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## wifeiam (Apr 1, 2013)

PBear said:


> I think it starts with talking to your husband about how you're feeling, and getting you both on the same page. From there, you can both work together to making changes in your lives that will include eating healthier and being more active. But if you're not in agreement with each other on the need to make those changes, it will make your job that much harder, and he may fight you along the way.
> 
> If he doesn't see the need to make any changes, then you can start on your own, and see if he'll catch on. He may not like seeing you become fitter and sexier, and may feel motivated to change to keep from losing you. People can get insecure about being less attractive than their partners. But this insecurity can work against the two of you as we'll, as the other way he can maintain the balance is by preventing you from changing. He may try undermining your efforts by encouraging unhealthy behaviours. You would need to hang in there and stick to your plan regardless.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your feedback. Some of the things you wrote really ring true for me. I am sorry that your x did not join you in getting healthy and know it is a possiblity mine won't either. I definitely don't want a divorce and would never cheat despite the lack of love life in our marriage. Yet there is a part of me that worries if I lose a lot of weight that I will feel sexier and want that love life even more and I may find more temptation out there being fit then fat. I am a nice looking person (not a knock out, not unattractive somewhere in the middle like most) and I did lose a massive amount of weight at one point and the attention was overwhelming for me. I don't want that kind of attention when I'm not getting my needs met at home. I guess my weight is a bit of a safety blanket.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I didn't lose weight to get more attractive for myself or for my spouse, to be honest. In fact, I didn't intend on losing weight all. I had a health scare, and I wanted to able to keep up with my kids better. So I started with getting more active. And cleaned up my diet, learned portion control, etc. at that point, the weight started falling off, and I realized that I wasn't "large framed", it was just fat. I went from 220 pounds to 165 in about 6 months. 

My advice... Start by logging what you eat. Get a scale and measure your food (don't guess), and log everything you eat or drink. Then start to cut out the obvious items. For me, I was drinking an awful lot of my calories, like coffee with lots of cream and sugar, pop, etc. I was also often going back for second helpings at dinner. Your body WILL adjust to smaller portions, if you work at it. There's a reason why they put "suggested serving sizes" on food products! 

And get active. Find things you like to do, with and without the kids. For me, I started swimming first, because I competed when I was in high school many years ago. I'd go in the morning before work, so I didn't lose any "family time". Then I started doing strength training, biking, and running eventually, always trying to minimize the impact to family time. Just find something that you don't have to FORCE yourself to do, if you can. Work really really hard the first 3 weeks to not miss a session, and to set up a habit. Habits can be hard to set, but they're much easier to maintain, instead of irregular "whatever I feel like" activities.

Good luck!

C


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## wifeiam (Apr 1, 2013)

empty3 said:


> I can relate on some level.
> 
> My husband and I both lost alot of weight prior to our wedding as we wanted to look our best. Over the course of the following 6 years I gained a total of 15kg (contendeness, 2 kids in 2 years, bad habits etc). My husband also managed to gain the same amount. Apparently there's a whole theory behind sympathy pregnancy weight gain?
> 
> ...


That is what I would love to do-make it a joint effort. Even though I know the weight would just fall off of him (as another poster sadi being male and very heavy) I think it would bring us closer to do something like this together.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Maybe you should think about hiring a weight loss coach, or a gym coach, or both. Having a lot of weight to lose can be overwhelming, especially if your husband is not on the band wagon. The older I get the harder it gets. I think a coach would help guid you, inspire you and you would have someone at the gym to teach you. Not to mention knowing you were accountable to someone who also encourages you.


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## bourning (Apr 1, 2013)

This is one of the issue in marriage which many people seldomly paying attention but i am glad that you are concerned for this. Talk with your H about this and start doing anything for losing weight but be careful, do not extremely put effort on this relax and do it regularly.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com

Both of you can use this.

You won't need to cut anything out of your life that you don't want to, just stay within your calorie limit. I've lost 12 pounds since March 1. 

If he doesn't want to do it. YOU DO IT. It's easy. Friend me on there...I have the same name.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

A weight loss coach / gym coach will be beneficial if you are unsure of how to proceed. If you know how to proceed, I still think you need an accountability partner that will tell you when you are not giving it 100% and can speak honestly to you. 

The toughest part is getting started. The next hardest is staying with the program. If you have someone that will "call you to the carpet" when you are slacking, it will help greatly to achieve your goals. I have 2 workout partners at the gym. If any of us were to "no show" without a very valid excuse, we would get a ration of sh*t from the others. This keeps us accountable to showing up.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Well I can't relate... but the obvious answer here would be to start exercising and go on a diet if you're unhappy with your weight... and encourage your husband to do the same. However if he was already big before you married him, its not going to be easy. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wifeiam (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks for the good advice, I have always been a private person but the idea of a fitness coach may be something I should look into. I did it once when I was thin and I loved it. I am also thinking of getting some zumba tapes because I think it might be something husband and I will both like.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

No guy should do Zumba! EVER!!


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

bbdad said:


> No guy should do Zumba! EVER!!


That was funny. Ill admit Zumba is kind of silly looking... but I heard its fun. I was driving past this fitness place one time and I saw them having a zumba class inside... I had a good laugh watching those people shake and wiggle around. But hey, kudos to them for actually doing something active and putting forth an effort. I guess if you can lose weight doing something and have fun in the process, its worth a try. Besides theyll probably be doing it at home anyway... so whos going to see them? 

OP, I'd definitely give zumba a try.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I will slightly modify my statement: No STRAIGHT guy should do Zumba! EVER!! 

My wife is a big Zumba! fan and is always trying to get me to do it. I have no rhythm at all, so it is not going to happen!! LOL!!


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Oh I can definitely relate there.... I don't have any rhythm either unfortunately. I already know I would look like an idiot. I might consider doing it if I could do it at home with noone watching me but Id never take an actual Zumba class. That would be really awkward for me.

One of my coworkers tried talking me into doing a Zumba class with her once and I didn't do it. I was thinking hey if you want to get up there and look stupid, more power to you... but not me!


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I always tell people to workout where there are the most people that you want to look like. This is just a generalization, but seems to be true for every gym I have ever been to.

The fattest / most out of shape people are generally on the cardio machines. Next are the ones in the classes. They get more fit as they are on the exercise machines. Typically, the most fit looking are on the weight room floor. 

So, if you want to look like the fat / unfit, then stick with just the cardio. Work your way through until you get to the weight floor, if that is what you want to look like. I believe it is because the cardio machines take the least amount of understanding to operate and are relatively zero entry requirements. Next, you just need courage to do the group classes. Getting on the machines, you need some instruction on the machines. Getting to the weight floor, you are best to have knowledge of how to lift properly and develop a training program. So, it may just be a progression of time. But, pay attention and see if the same thing is not true at your gyms.


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## wifeiam (Apr 1, 2013)

Yeah I get the zumba for a guy humor , it is kinda silly, but back when he lost a lot of weight a very long time ago he did Richard Simmons which is even worse! haha Now he does like sports and guy stuff but I have to admit when he told me about the Richard Simmons thing it freaked me out a bit (when we were dating).


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

wifeiam said:


> Yeah I get the zumba for a guy humor , it is kinda silly, but back when he lost a lot of weight a very long time ago he did Richard Simmons which is even worse! haha Now he does like sports and guy stuff but I have to admit when he told me about the Richard Simmons thing it freaked me out a bit (when we were dating).


Richard Simmons... so you were sweatin to the oldies huh?  Well, whatever works, I guess!


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

When my man became disabled, he gained a lot of weight. I also have a belly that resembles a bag of potatoes. We are both now exercising and slowly losing the weight. I never really noticed how big my man was, I guess love is blind.


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## wifeiam (Apr 1, 2013)

Last night I talked to him and said we have got to do something about our obesity. It is slowing us down in everyway possible, do you have any ideas. He just said "I don't know" and didn't seem to interested in talking about it further. So I know I just need to do what is right for me and if I can be successful that may motivate him too. We have both tried so many times and failed that I think it gets hard to try again but I have to! He has talked about gastric bypass before and we both ended up not liking that idea for him because it is so risky. Thanks for the input and anymore ideas please keep them coming!


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Go for it...you are on your own.
Google "Nike commercial what women want"
There's nobody else that can get you in shape but you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

wifeiam said:


> I am really concerned with how fat is effecting our marriage. My husband was fat when I married him but fairly active. He has put on even more weight (probably 150# or more overweight). I was maybe 20 pounds too heavy when I married him and now I am very fat too. I feel like I have just followed his bad habits (my fault completely). I am finding the fat is really bothering me. I am trying to lose but he doesn't seem to be and it is very hard doing it alone, I end up backsliding (still my fault). *I am noticing he is having a 'fat smell' and it is nasty.* My clothes are busting at the seams too and fat is not attractive on either of us. I want us both to be healthier and more active for ourselves and our kids. We have a lousy sex life and I'm sure this contributes. He is not a large man in that one way(I have never blamed him for that or let that be a deal breaker, I was not born a supermodel either) but with all the fat pad around it makes the situation worse and just too fat and lethargic to get the job done. Anyone successfully overcome this or can relate:scratchhead:?


*HUH????*:scratchhead:


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## wifeiam (Apr 1, 2013)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> *HUH????*:scratchhead:


A smell as if he is not either getting himself clean all the way or due to all the extra folds and sweat and stuff body odor is accumulating more quickly between showers. Many shows I have watched about the morbidly obese they talk about struggling with these smells due to so much excessive skin or difficulty getting clean.


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