# How do I keep him guessing after giving it up, without looking like a *****?



## chilipepper (Feb 21, 2011)

Ok, so I have been divorced for abt 7 months, I have 4 children and have no desire to remain a single mom. I am not desperately searching for a "daddy" for them. I am happy with my life, job, home, etc... just want someone to share life with. 
So there is this guy at work. He has been divorced abt 6 months. He found out that I had a little crush on him, and we have been texting abt a month. RIght away we discussed what each other was looking for. I explained that my life is too busy for a fwb, nsa, or anything "secret"... In order for me to spend time with a man, my children need to see him as my boyfriend. Otherwise, I would want to get a sitter while I spend time with him so that they are not around him. He is just looking for friends and to hang out, nothing serious. However, in talking he is starting to show signs of developing feelings for me. We have tried several times to go out but I keep having to cancel on him. He hangs in there though thru it all. I know he doesnt talk to or see other women at all. He texts me every morning, every night and several times in the day. We finally got to go out for my birthday. He was soooooo affectionate. We slow danced to every song, held each other close. Made out all night, he calls me baby, rubs my face, etc. Well, we ended up sleeping together. Yes we were drunk. But, the next day when I dropped him off, he started texting right away "wanting more" and asking me to come get him he wanted to see me. Well, I went to see him and we made love yet again. I am obviously sooooooo into him and really hope that he develops feelings for me. Which like I said, I really really (and so do the male and female friends that went out with us) think that he is already develping some hardcore feelings. When I mentioned the fact that another guy that was with us that night was asking if I am available or with him, he said "what did you tell him, we are just friends tell him" I kinda got offended. Even though I know that we are just friends. I told him, "No, I told him that we are seeing each other but that its not serious. I don't want people thinking that I act like that with "friends"... He said "ok, baby that is fine" So, first question is where do me and him stand? How long do I keep this up bf asking for more? or do I just go with the flow? But most importantly, when it comes to other men, how do I keep him guessing and interested without looking like a *****. Bc in my opinion if I am sleeping with him, and I am pursueing other relationships or dating, I am being a *****. So my natural instinct is to be monogomous and committed bc that is just how I am. But a single guy friend of mine said that unwanted loyalty and committment will freak him out bc that is what he does not want right now. He said to go out on dates, to not always be available at the drop of a hat, but to rock his world when I do go see him. To me that is just insane, but what do I know, I have been married my whole adult life. I just really want to make the right choices with this man bc I am so interested in him, he treats me like a queen, and the lovin is amazing. so, just so you know, I am 29 and he is 33. THANKS!!!!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Only thing you can do is be clear.

He seduced you. Ain't nothing wrong with that if you both had a good time.

If you aren't comfortable with the trajectory of the relationship, or just 'going with the flow', then you should let him know.

If he is cool with hanging out, having fun and having sex ... and you do want more ... which it appears you do, then a conversation or clarification of whether or not the two of you are exclusive, and on the same page is warranted.

I've been with my GF for 5 months. We are exclusive. We DO NOT talk about where our relationship is going. Our kids have not met and there is no plan to. We do not call and text multiple times per day - we may go a day or two without talking at all. We see each other maybe once a week. We have a great time together. 

All you can do is respect what each other is looking for, wants, or needs. If my GF were to tell me tomorrow that she wants to move our relationship forward (whatever that may be). I would respectfully bow out. Same holds true vice versa. 

If you aren't talking about your relationship at least to the point where you both understand what is going on ... then you don't really have a relationship.

If he is telling you to date and not be available ... and you are already in the mindset of hanging on to this guy, you're going to get hurt. He is most definitely NOT looking for what you are looking for.

Odds are very high that despite your belief that being in a sexual relationship corresponds to an exclusive, monogamous relationship - that his does not, and he either is having sex, or is pursuing sexual relationships with other women.


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## chilipepper (Feb 21, 2011)

well, we did have a talk (initiated by me of course bc I am new to the dating and all) about whether or not we should use condoms (I am fixed and cannot get pregnant) So, I just basically asked him if he was sleeping with other women and if he was that we should use a condom. He said that maybe we should anyway but he is not sleeping with anyone but me. I told him I am fixed so only reasont to use one would be for STDs. I said that if we are only sleeping with each other that we did not have to use one, but that if he did bc intimate with someone else even one time I would like to use condoms if we did it again. I think he kinda got offended over the fact that I assumed he would sleep with other women. I am so dang confused. I really like this guy alot. I love how he makes me feel. I am so pressured to be honest and just tell him how I feel, but he knows already I am sure. Part of me just wants to go with the flow you know?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Going with the flow is fine, as long as the flow isn't making you crazy.

Based on the responses he gave you, it seems pretty clear to me that he is seeing other women, and if opportunity presents, he'll seduce them too.

My gut says something's up with this guy. Can't possibly explain why, and I may be completely wrong. It happens ... occasionally.

So, has he slept with anyone other than his ex or not? Did he answer that question? For the record, as part of our communication before we became sexually entangled we agreed to get an STD screen.

Float that one. If he is interested and invested in you, he won't have a problem. If he is offended, or tries to sell you on the notion that it isn't necessary, then he definitely isn't all that into you.


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## chilipepper (Feb 21, 2011)

the flow is making me crazy. this was only saturday night/sunday mornin that we slept together and I have been a nut case all day today, should I text him first or wait for him to text me? should I be available or not? omg I am so freaked out!!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sounds like you may be in a bit deep. 

Makes sense if this is your first pass at intimacy following divorce.

This guy is interested in a good time ... and that's fine, but it doesn't sound to me like that's what you are interested in.

I would advise backing WAY off, but I also recognize that will likely be difficult if not impossible for you.

Protect yourself, that's all.


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## chilipepper (Feb 21, 2011)

this is unfortunately far from my first pass at intimacy following the divorce. I have been in one relationship, dated exclusively one guy, dated one openly and had a fling. I am just that much of a commitment junky. So, backing off does sound good. Do you not think it will give him the disillusion that I just wanted sex or that I didn't like it? NVM I have told him I did. So, I will stop initiating convo and will be vague when he does. I will give it at least a few more days at that and see if he pursues it. What sux is that I don't know if its me or him. I have 4 kids he has none, I am white and he is Mexican. SO, it could be that he does not like me in that way, but is just attracted to me.


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## chilipepper (Feb 21, 2011)

oh, another thought. I really am not adimant abt a relationship so to speak, I just like being chased. I like them being crazy abt me. Oddly enuff once I give it up I don't feel chased. I mean, he has blown my phone up "want more of you Mami" so he is still chasing, I just feel vournerable and out of sorts knowing my heart is already in it and its pure physical for him.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ain't love ... and dating grand?

Good luck.


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## chilipepper (Feb 21, 2011)

ya, I miss my husband lmao... not really at all lol, but I hate this mess lol


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## chilipepper (Feb 21, 2011)

so deejos advice is great, but 47 views and only 1 opinion?? come on folks... speak your mind.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

OK---You want an opinion I'll give you one-----

You better slow down, and remember your 1st and basically only consideration needs to be to your 4 kids

What do you even know about this guy----He could be controlling, he could be a criminal, he could be a psycho---obviously he knows how to get into a woman's pants, cuz he got into yours real fast----do you know the actual truth as to why he is divorced-----(that answer should not come from him)

You need to grow up and remember you are an adult, and act like one---you just came out of a divorce---and you have already been with 3 men---just out of curiosity--how much time do you spend with your kids on the weekend---shouldn't you be focusing your life around them---they are your own flesh and blood, or had you noticed

Please don't tell me---that you have to have time for yourself away from your kids----yes you do---but I don't think it needs to be with some guy who wants to control your every move socially one week after he starts going out with you

You need to slow way down, and just take life real, real easy----


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