# My marriage is not in a good place



## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

We have been married for 30 years, I am 49, he is 51. We have grown up children who don't live at home. 

The issue I am having is that over the years we have become completely different people - I am very much an introvert who cannot handle being around drunken behaviour, probably due to growing up with an alcoholic father. My husband wants to go out and socialise with people who drink a lot, who drink to get drunk and then get loud and stupid. Most of his family are heavy drinkers.

There are one set of friends that we fight over constantly. I don't like the wife, she is always drinking (no matter what time of day it is), she is manipulative, and she is very inappropriately flirty. She has lost many, many friends through her behaviour and according to her it is always the other person's fault.

If I comment on this female's behaviour, my husband jumps to her defence. I don't believe there is anything between them, however, he likes to be liked and claims these are his only friends. He tells me I am too judgmental and should accept people as they are. Fair enough, it does not mean I have to like them and want to hang around with them though.

I can't deal with this anymore. However, to leave is difficult because I am not financially independent. We run a business together and have very little money. I would need about 18 months to get some money saved and pay off my debts to be able to leave.

I am wondering if I should tell him I want to leave but we need to live under the same roof and work together for that time, or if I should just pretend to be committed for the next 18 months and then just go after that time. The second is my preferred method because I think he will react badly when I tell him I am going - he is a grumpy old git.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, on the one hand I'd say save behind the scenes and plan.

On the other hand, I don't think it's entirely kind to blindside him with divorce.

You say you need 18 months to save. You could consider telling him a certain amount of time before you leave, like 2 or 3 months in advance.

If he wants to carry on the business he'll need to have time to find someone to help him manage.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Chippie said:


> We have been married for 30 years, I am 49, he is 51. We have grown up children who don't live at home.
> 
> The issue I am having is that over the years we have become completely different people - I am very much an introvert who cannot handle being around drunken behaviour, probably due to growing up with an alcoholic father. My husband wants to go out and socialise with people who drink a lot, who drink to get drunk and then get loud and stupid. Most of his family are heavy drinkers.
> 
> ...


Hmm, 

If he would quit partying would you want to stay with him?

Or are you done. Stick a fork in me done?

If your done your done. I think it would be of poor character to not tell him.

Are you going to be having sex with him for these 18 months?


Mayb you telling him your thinking of leaving might get him thinking and working on your marriage.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I want to make sure I understand?

You've been married for 30 years, and you want to divorce your husband because you argue over the inappropriate behavior of a woman in your social circle?

Surely there's more?

I'm also an introvert with a family history of addiction, so I completely understand not wanting to spend a lot of time around people who are heavy drinkers. But you control who you socialize with, and if it bothers you, simply don't do it. Don't explain, don't complain, don't argue. Just stop. Fill your time with what you'd rather do.

But to divorce over it? That seems extreme.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

As always my post is only my opinion. I can't see how people can think otherwise.

As mentioned, if you are done, it is done. Tell him and plan accordingly.

But no matter, I think you need to stand up for yourself. 

Stop going to these events with him. Tell him you have had it, and are done with the parties. If he insists on going he only opens up the rift between you two and it will almost certainly lead to divorce. If he wants to work on the marriage he can stop going out to drunken parties and stay home and work on your marriage. Give him the choice.

Be aware he will probably choose to keep going out. Be prepared to live your own life, and let him go.

I see him getting drunk, staying out all night, screwing the other woman, doing all kind of bad. You move into another room and ignore him. Totally ignore him.

Then in a year you file for divorce. And just keep ignoring him.

I heard it is called END, Empty Nest Divorce.

This, unless you think he will abuse you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why cant you each have you own friends/hobbies/interests/social life? I am also an introvert and I would struggle to be married to man who was an extrovert and who socialised with people who drank too much, but why cant you each do your own thing? I don't see it as anything anywhere near serious enough to end a marriage over. Just accept each other as you are with all your differences, and do the things you enjoy. As well as this, find something that you can do together, have a date night once a week just the 2 of you, and if all else fails get some good MC.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I avoid people on drugs (alcohol or otherwise). It impairs their judgment. Effectively, they become temporarily crazy. I always stay away from crazy.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

Thank you for your responses. To answer some questions - it is not just this one event that has led to my thinking of divorce. Our outlooks and interests have become so different over the years. I read a book - His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley and in it he talks about the love bank. I fully understand that concept - I feel like my love bank is so overdrawn that it will never be in the black again.

H had a physical affair 16 years ago. We were separated and reconciled. He always blamed me for not being a good wife. 10 years later I found out he was calling and emailing a number of other women and having emotional affairs with them. Again, it was my fault because I didn't encourage him enough. To the best of my knowledge there have been no other incidents after this. He says he is sorry for these incidences but I think he still feels that they were my fault. His mother encourages this believe also as she does not like me.

I suggested marriage counselling, he told me I was looking for issues where there are none and we didn't need it. I have also told him I am not comfortable being around very drunk people, he said he will still go out at least twice a month. Fair enough, I am going to see if I can find local women to be friends with that share my interests.

We moved to where we are 11 years ago after living in one place for most of our lives. I have struggled to make new friends since we moved and have some good friends who live where we came from and others who live in different states. No-one close by.

The reason I need the time is that I am 18 months away from finishing a degree. Where we live and I attend uni is a very expensive area to live and jobs are scarce. I could not live here on my own and would need to move back to where we originally came from, however, it is five hours away and too far for uni.

It is confusing that is for sure. I waver all of the time with my thoughts of leaving, but each fight, each incident, just wears me down a bit further. I don't even know if I love H any more, all I feel is empty.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Chippie said:


> Thank you for your responses. To answer some questions - it is not just this one event that has led to my thinking of divorce. Our outlooks and interests have become so different over the years. I read a book - His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley and in it he talks about the love bank. I fully understand that concept - I feel like my love bank is so overdrawn that it will never be in the black again.
> 
> H had a physical affair 16 years ago. We were separated and reconciled. He always blamed me for not being a good wife. 10 years later I found out he was calling and emailing a number of other women and having emotional affairs with them. Again, it was my fault because I didn't encourage him enough. To the best of my knowledge there have been no other incidents after this. He says he is sorry for these incidences but I think he still feels that they were my fault. His mother encourages this believe also as she does not like me.
> 
> ...


You have been mistreated for most of your marriage and now it’s time to look after number one.Get your degree,look for a job in your previous home town and when all your ducks are in a row tell him you are moving out.
And move!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He may or may not be relieved when you tell him you're getting out but it can be difficult to live for many months with someone you're divorcing. If you can't leave for 18 months I would be hesitant about sharing that just yet.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Punch the Warden in the nose.
Do the 18 months in Solitary Confinement.
........................................................................


Do as Lady @Satya said. Tell him a month or two out.

Be the bigger person. Easy to do with this fella.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yes, sadly. 

I feel sorry for you.

If you let him go alone, we know what is going to happen. He will use the chance to have another affair, and blame it on you.

I still think you should move into another room and ignore him. Live there without mentioning leaving him or changing your status. But separate. You know he can't be trusted. 

Please be well.

Please get your degree!!


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

Thank you everyone for your responses. My plan going forward is to use this time to make myself employable and to save every cent I get. No more spending on anything unnecessary. 

I do have a hobby that I can retreat to when we have finished work and on weekends and that is sewing. I have a sewing room tucked away under the house and H rarely goes in there. I have a couple of years worth of supplies in there so it will keep me busy, as well as my studies.


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