# Am I in a sexless marriage?



## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

Breif background, my husband and I have been together 5 years, we have 2 children together 4 and 1, and 2 stepkids who live with us 16 and 14.

In the beginning our sex life was great....it seems just recently this past year it has completely plummeted. I get sex once a week sometimes twice a week. If we engage in sex more than that its because i have to "convince" him. Its usually no more than 4 minutes, usually less. I get hugs during the day and occasional quick kisses. Most nights he falls asleep downstairs and doesnt come up to bed unless i go get him or late at night (3 am or so). 

Ive told him before i want more sex, i want more physical attention, some passion, something. He used the excuse that he is so tired cause of how much he works and all that. Well right now he doesnt really work and we are closing in on 2 weeks without sex. Ive just stopped trying, why should i have to convince my husband to have sex with me?! Its like is he not attracted to me anymore? Ive become so grouchy and he gets mad at me cause he wants me to be happy. Ive told him im not happy and he does nothing to change it. Its really hard to write out into words...my mind is pretty jumbled on it all. I just dont know what to do anymore.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

MN - statistically a sexless marriage is one in which the couple have sex less than 10 times a year.

However...if a couple are both perfectly happy and content with sex 6 times a year I don't think that makes for a sexless marriage.

You said you get sex once a week sometimes twice a week, so thats 52-104 times a year. Compared to many people on here you are in a very hot and rampant marriage!! Lucky you.

But this is all academic...you are here because YOU are not happy with the frequency and type of sex you are getting. It doesn't matter how often other people are getting it. This is all about YOU.

You say you have become grouchy...I'm not surprised. Unless you and you husband try to sort this out and reach a compromise (that included you) this grouchiness will lead to bitterness and resentment....and you really will end up in a sexless and emotionless marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week do you and your husband spend doing date-like things, just the two of you? I'm not talking about sex.. just fund things, handing out, going for walks, out to dinner, etc?


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## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

I tried to do a compromise with him...2 times a week. I can deal. He said lets shoot for 3 times so if we only get 2 its ok. Well now its been 2 weeks since we have even romantically touched. I feel like the one person who is supposed to want me doesnt. 

I ask him questions like "what turns you on? " "what are things I do that you like?" To give me a clue on what I could do to make him want me. He just says "I dont know" it makes me feel like it doesnt matter what I do or look like. 2 boobs and a vagina is sufficient. Ive been hitting the gym pretty hard and im very happy with the results so far....but its still dobe nothing. Ive sent him sexy text and pictures. ..I get no reply. I sleep topless and in my underwear hoping he would at least touch me. 

I mean he took me on a date a bit ago...and it was nice. No sex or kissing. We held hands. I just feel like our passion is gone and ive given up.

He made a comment to me that I dont smile anymore. Well im not happy. Ive told him im not happy. Im not covering it up anymore

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

Well I wrote a long repky and somehow it didnt post. So shorter reply. ...

I tried to compromise with him and said can we at least do 2 times a week on a consistent basis and he said yes....well now its been 2 weeks without any intimacy. 

Ive tried sexy text and pictures, no repky. I go to bed topless and lacy underwear, nothing. Ive tried asking what he likes, what I do that turns him on, what parts of me does he like soni can maybe accentuate or turn him on more. His reponse is he doesnt know. Its feels like it could be anyone. 

I feel horrible because the one person I care about wanting me seems like they dont. He made a comment about how I dont smile anymore. Well ive just given up and im not happy. I dont know how to get it across to him

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## bestwife (May 10, 2014)

Sex twice a week is good stats believe me. Can you tell me how much sex did you have before marriage?


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## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

Twice a week is a rarity...we average 4-5 times a month. Right now we are at 2 1/2 weeks nothing. I realize I am prolly getting more than some people and im probably offending them by posting it. I was just worried because im not happy and well we were having sex like 5 times a week it seemes and now all the sudden this year...poof

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

bestwife said:


> Sex twice a week is good stats believe me. Can you tell me how much sex did you have before marriage?


Assuming the poster is middle age or younger, twice a week is average. It is not 'good' but it is not bad either.

To the OP, sexless marriages are 10 times a year or less, as another poster said. Sexless or not though you are getting it less than you want it. How often do you want it, and -since you complained about the duration as well- how long do you want it to last? Have you tried to figure out what it is you want in order to be happy?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Maybe he's depressed at the way his life is going, how hard he has to work to keep it going, and/or he is reaching an age where testosterone is declining (or may be low due to other reasons).

He should be checked for depression, and for hormone imbalance. You can also discuss if his life circumstances are an issue - or maybe a therapist should do that.


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## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

Ive tried replying multiple times so this is a test post once again

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

Thank you all for your replies. Ive tries respinding on the topify app but it was not posting so ive gone to the direct web page to reply to you all.

Yes its a mistake I must have made when regustering. I am female and straight.

I now feel quite silly with my question. I guess I need to be grateful for the amount of sex I do get. Though at the moment we are now at 2 1/2 weeks no sex. We average 4 times a month.

I am 27 and my husband is 38. His oldest is 21 and our youngest is 1. Only 4 live at home. He does do things at home but within the last month or 2 his workload has dramatically decreased. Ive never considered that he may be affected by depression. We come from a very hard financial background and this year has been a big blessing on finances and we are climbing out of the hoke we are in and I thought both of our spirits have been uplifted. 

We dont get a date night but maybe every other month. Its hard with the kids. 

I took the love language test and it says I am 11 physical touch. With I guess explains my high sex drive. I tried talking to my husband a lottle, he knows im unhappy and tha past day or 2 I think he has made an effort to affectionately touch me. I also believe that he really doesnt want me to get pregnant again and that may be a factor. 

I just want some passion back in our relationship. He doeant like to just kiss or fondle. Its like if we arent going to have sex then whats the point. I guess I just want to re ignite our spark we had before. When I was pregnant just last year we were having sex 5 times a week and now...its just like something is gone between us. I know he lives me, he shows me in other ways. But I feel so unattractive now. I feel like the one person who should want me doesnt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dredd (Apr 16, 2014)

Alright, yes be grateful for what you have. But just because your situation isn't as worse as it could be, doesn't mean you should be content.

Making a marriage work takes too people. So I would focus on getting your husband motivated in your marriage. If he's not committed to making your marriage better, then its just you pulling the cart and dragging him along behind you.

The book His Needs, Her Needs is good, along with the 5 love languages book. If you can read them together, then that might be a good idea. If you don't sleep naked, consider doing so, as that is suppose to help get things going more frequently.

Getting him in bed to sleep is another thing. Institute a bedtime, or whatever. Just coordinate to where you both are going to sleep at the same time in the same room.


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## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

Thank You, 

I am grateful that my husband is somewhat willing to do things to help our marriage although he doesnt quite understand how I am feeling. We looked at some books today...kinda overwhelming on which one to buy. But he is willing to try and make us stronger. He took the love language test today and we read each others results. So hopefully it will go in the right direction. 

I agree one of our issues is I go upstairs to bed and he stays downstairs and falls asleep down there. He says that he isnt comfortable in our bed watching tv and he is more comfy downstairs. I dont know what I can do to fix that. But I will try and talk to him about maybe having a scheduled time where we are both in bed. We work together so we do get to spend alot of time together, and we work well with each other. I do think alot of it is financial stress and the fact that we are so busy with the kids. We both have put our marriage on the back burner and he agreed that we need to do something because he cant stand me depressed all the time now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

Also, I used to constantly sleep in only my underwear. Id try to position myself to attract him or move to where his hand was on my breast or something. But I went so long without any reapinses from him...ive just kinda given up. I think that is a problem of mine. I feel no reapinse from him. Like I want him to be more vocal about how much he wants me or what I do that he likes. Ive asked...so I could do it more. But his responses are "I dont know" "just you" its kinda discouraging. Like it wouldnt make a difference if it was me or aome bimbo off the street. Im supposed to be special
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Meisie (May 4, 2014)

It could be that he is just really tired and with the kids (im coping with two) so I don't know how you cope with 4? 
Maybe he has a very low libido? Or maybe he is seeing someone else? It may not be the case but a possibility? 

My husband expects sex from me every single day......and although I do give it, believe me, it gets a bit much....
Some nights I would just like to get into my bed and sleep......

I have read that the reason they ejaculate so quick (cause you said its like 4 min) is because they don't ejaculate everyday ? Don't know how much truth there is to that but that is what I have read


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Why is he falling asleep down stairs? What's his excuse? 

He's quite young really. 

Does he watch much porn? 

I would insist on counselling if I were you, because it is natural for you to want to feel lived, and desired by him. He's doing nothing to help keep the romance and passion alive.


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## MotherNature (May 9, 2014)

If he were seeing someone else...I would be totally suprised. He keeps nothing from me. I have acess to hus phone whenever I want and truthfully I always know where he is. I highly highly doubt that is happening. 

He watches zero porn whatsoever. He says he is more comfortable in the chair downstairs and just falls asleep down there. 

Last night he came ypstaits to be with me. He was gonna have sex I think but I tikd him I was ob my period and it was like "oh im tired" and he wouldt really do anything....I mean just cause im on my periid does not mean im untouchable, I hinted around that I woukd give him a blowjob and he was just kinda un enthused so I gave up
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

MotherNature said:


> Breif background, my husband and I have been together 5 years, we have 2 children together 4 and 1, and 2 stepkids who live with us 16 and 14.
> 
> In the beginning our sex life was great....it seems just recently this past year it has completely plummeted. I get sex once a week sometimes twice a week. If we engage in sex more than that its because i have to "convince" him. Its usually no more than 4 minutes, usually less. I get hugs during the day and occasional quick kisses. Most nights he falls asleep downstairs and doesnt come up to bed unless i go get him or late at night (3 am or so).
> 
> Ive told him before i want more sex, i want more physical attention, some passion, something. He used the excuse that he is so tired cause of how much he works and all that. Well right now he doesnt really work and we are closing in on 2 weeks without sex. Ive just stopped trying, why should i have to convince my husband to have sex with me?! Its like is he not attracted to me anymore? Ive become so grouchy and he gets mad at me cause he wants me to be happy. Ive told him im not happy and he does nothing to change it. Its really hard to write out into words...my mind is pretty jumbled on it all. I just dont know what to do anymore.


Is the 4 minutes include total love making time, such as foreplay, et, or is the 4 minutes of actual intercourse PIV?

4 minutes I don't think is that bad, it depends. I'm no expert, never timed myself, but wife is usually happy, and I think sometimes around 4 - 10 minutes.

How bout it people? what's you all experience as far as duration?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

On the other hand, 4 minutes of love making is lousy, 'quickie' once in a while. 

Lovemaking should be 15 min. to 1/2 hr. of kissing, fondling getting your honey ready, followed by the act, 3 - 10 minutes of actual PIV.

just an opinion.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

sexual imbalances in a marriage do seem to cause a LOT of trouble...and it can go on for years or decades. You have my sympathy dear. I see on your profile you list orientation as homosexual, is that a typo, or correct? If correct, an obvious answer is get your husbands permission for you to have a girlfriend. 

But it sounds like you have tried all the heterosexual things a mate can do to get her hubby aroused. I would seek some medical help to test for hormones, see if there are drug sideffects, some way to boost his testosterone, maybe see if he has some ED related performance anxiety. 

And be very honest with him, that sex is VERY important to you, and the marriage may be in jeopardy if you can not be fulfilled.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

You don't have to feel bad for not being satisfied with your sex life. I don't care if 2 times a week is more than "most" people get.

If you don't like it, then that is all that matters. Don't let other people tell you, you should feel grateful for what you get. I get sex 2 times a week and I am not happy with it either. 

I have no advice for you, except to tell you not to be ashamed or guilty of your higher sex drive. I'm struggling with the same issue as you, you can read my very long story here.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/98817-ld-husband-journal.html

I don't know if it will help, but just know you are not alone.


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## Dredd (Apr 16, 2014)

MotherNature said:


> Also, I used to constantly sleep in only my underwear. Id try to position myself to attract him or move to where his hand was on my breast or something. But I went so long without any reapinses from him...ive just kinda given up. I think that is a problem of mine. I feel no reapinse from him. Like I want him to be more vocal about how much he wants me or what I do that he likes. Ive asked...so I could do it more. But his responses are "I dont know" "just you" its kinda discouraging. Like it wouldnt make a difference if it was me or aome bimbo off the street. Im supposed to be special
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't give up  Try sleeping nude, and give it some time. See if it does anything for you 



MotherNature said:


> If he were seeing someone else...I would be totally suprised. He keeps nothing from me. I have acess to hus phone whenever I want and truthfully I always know where he is. I highly highly doubt that is happening.
> 
> He watches zero porn whatsoever. He says he is more comfortable in the chair downstairs and just falls asleep down there.
> 
> ...


Men aren't as good at the "hinting around" thing as women are. I suspect you were probably pretty clear about your intentions, but he could be extraordinarily clueless. Your the higher drive spouse, so try to be comfortable initiating. Try doing x, rather than offering it


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

how about a calendar on the refrigerator, where the two of you agree to have nookie. At the least, it will be in his mind all day long "today is a sex day, she is going to want to have sex...I better not ignore her if she initiates, I agreed to it..."


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Your hubby may not be all that sexually/romantically minded. Mine isn't.

We had the initial honeymoon sex but then it dwindled. The problem is that if one party is really unsatisfied then the rot inevitably spreads into other areas of the marriage. 

If you have got to the stage of giving up initiating then in my experience the resentment and other problems that brings are not far behind.

If he is genuinely worried that you may fall pregnant again then you HAVE to discuss that with him and make sure that your precautions are adequate.

My husband and I went for 3 1/2 years with no sex whatsoever and for years before that it was really terrible mundane sex on Christmas and birthdays. Yes, things really can get that bad if you allow them to.

My husband also suffers from ED and that was a problem, obviously.

We nearly split but have reconciled. He is working hard on the sex front, but to be honest he is simply not all that sexual. He hardly ever does the pursuing. Once I initiate he is happy to oblige, but he's quite bad about physical contact generally, let alone sexual contact. Now, I would love to have a man who pursues me, sweeps me off my feet and carries me off to bed, who is adventurous in bed etc etc etc. But with him that is impossible. It simply won't happen. Since the marriage was worth saving I have just had to accept that my sex life will never be perfect. 

Recently I have tried not initiating, just to see what happens, and the answer is - nothing. Things are way better than before, when I would initiate and he would reject. I don't get rejection now but I can't force him to be something he is not. So long as he makes enough effort we can get by.


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## MrDifficult (May 22, 2014)

Sorry to hear your woes. You are special!! It could be worse as my wife has not wanted and we have not had sex for the last 20. Please express to him that he is the only man you are free to have sex with and you don't want sex with anyone but him. Maybe that will pull the trigger? There might be a medical issue with him such as low testosterone or something?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

MrDifficult said:


> Sorry to hear your woes. You are special!! It could be worse as my wife has not wanted and we have not had sex for the last 20. Please express to him that he is the only man you are free to have sex with and you don't want sex with anyone but him. Maybe that will pull the trigger? There might be a medical issue with him such as low testosterone or something?


You haven't has sex in 20 years? I'm surprised you two are still married. I don't know many guys who would/could go that long without sex with their spouse. Is her situation medical? Are you staying together for the children? My husband and I haven't had sex in 9 years because of his ED issues. I focus on the good qualities I love about him and our marriage.


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## MrDifficult (May 22, 2014)

It is completely my fault. I allowed this to happen by not addressing the problem early on. We've been married 54 and neither had any experience before. She became the home maker and I was the provider. We both concentrated on those areas. She has done a wonderful job and we are okay financially. We did not work on sex so much. Now our children have children and their children have children so you can surmise we are older. I have been awakened by testosterone and now want to make up for the missing area in our relationship whereas she is not interested yet, but we are working on a compromise. I believe I will be able to perform with help even tho I too have ED now. We have been faithful always since our Savior has protected us even tho temptation has been there.
I hope to make the years we have left to be special since I love her so much and believe she deserves to be pleased the way God intended. Do you think I am being unrealistic? It is a miracle we are still together and I believe we might be able to do this and help others in a similar situation. What do you think?


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## MrDifficult (May 22, 2014)

There are many web sites with free information blogs worthy of checking out. Focus on the family, Juli Slatterly; to love honor and vacuum, Sheila Wray Gregoire ; intimacy in marriage, Julie?. Some information is directed toward men but there is also good news for women. Hope this helps. It has helped me as a husband.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Sounds similar to our situation. My husband was the provider and I was busy with our children. He couldn't preform and complete the act so he didn't want to get too physical with me. My husband is taking testosterone now too and with the help of that pill hopefully we will be enjoying a sex again. Our children are grown and now we are thinking more of being a couple than just parents. 

I don't think you are being unrealistic. I think you two got into a habit. Here is what we are doing to reconnect. Start by touching each other more during the day, hugs, kisses, back rubs any kind of touching. Start cuddling at night. Hugging, kissing etc. This will connect you two more. Do that for a while. Hopefully that will lead you two to a more satisfying sexual relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MotherNature,

There are two books that I think could help you a lot here....

"His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"

I'm hoping that your major issue is that the two of you are not spending enough time together as a couple. When couples do this they loose the passion. Decline in sex life is usually one of the first signs of trouble. 

But the good news is that it can be fixed.


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## MrDifficult (May 22, 2014)

A not so quick reply. I have studied all the sites I have found and since we no longer share the same bed and find no chance of a compromise from her, I am at a loss how to recover anything. I do attend to her with complements, kisses etc. and told her I will never initiate any sexual event. It is up to her, I think, and we probably will never be intimate unless she is willing. I wish I could leave to see if there might be fulfillment elsewhere but don't have the balls to do so.


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

Just a tought ,have you thought about sleeping naked and wake him up helping yourself (most men stand to attention sometime through the night)


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is very honest. Sincere. 





MotherNature said:


> Breif background, my husband and I have been together 5 years, we have 2 children together 4 and 1, and 2 stepkids who live with us 16 and 14.
> 
> In the beginning our sex life was great....it seems just recently this past year it has completely plummeted. I get sex once a week sometimes twice a week. If we engage in sex more than that its because i have to "convince" him. Its usually no more than 4 minutes, usually less. I get hugs during the day and occasional quick kisses. Most nights he falls asleep downstairs and doesnt come up to bed unless i go get him or late at night (3 am or so).
> 
> Ive told him before i want more sex, i want more physical attention, some passion, something. He used the excuse that he is so tired cause of how much he works and all that. Well right now he doesnt really work and we are closing in on 2 weeks without sex. Ive just stopped trying, why should i have to convince my husband to have sex with me?! Its like is he not attracted to me anymore? Ive become so grouchy and he gets mad at me cause he wants me to be happy. Ive told him im not happy and he does nothing to change it. Its really hard to write out into words...my mind is pretty jumbled on it all. I just dont know what to do anymore.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

You mentioned that he isn't working as hard - does this mean he's out of work completely, or something else related to that? I know that some men feel emasculated when they don't have a job, so that could be a contributing factor.

Could he be seeing someone else?


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