# Coping with infidelity poll.



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Hi everybody, I wanted to know where everybody stands in this section.
Many amazing people giving amazing advice here but unfortunately there are some members that were here before me and so I don't know the story of what happened to them.

I'll start.
Torrivien, 28 years old. Wife had (at least) a one night stand in July and Dday was back in august. It was with a co worker in a mission to her office.
Left home, went no contact with her and finally got my divorce.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

Hopelessly Jaded 33, Husband was jealous because I had a threesome when I was single. He moped around acting "left out" of the club for almost a year. I got tired of it. Did the threesome twice. (MFM) Told him I was not ok sharing him. Started having sex in the same room with other couples for the voyeur/exhibitionism effect. I actually enjoyed this until one night he decided to take it to the next level, got off me and started banging someone else. Status: Dealing

Can't check...technically not an affair

Add: Married over 10 years 2 children, 13 year old boy and 10 year old boy


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

14+ yr marriage. He had a 2 yr ea online facebook game is where it started. Nude pics, video, sexting, webcam, skyping, texting. 3D chat game, yahoo messenger.

We have 5 kids (now 12 and under). Jan 12 2011 will forever be a painful reminder of d - day. Lots of tt... easter 2011 was worse than Jan 2011 as that is when i discovered the pics and video. That was worse than discovering the ea.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I am 46, wife through 26 years had a 9 months PA with a parent to one of my kids friends.

19 months out, good days and very bad days as well (this being one of them).

I have realized now, that I can't make my wife change and can't make her "get it". She just wants to forget all about it now. Think that she thinks it should be over by now.

I have chosen to follow a road towards acceptance, everything being what it is, accepting my wife as she turned out to be. I know that there is a good chance of repetition of the infidelity, or that she may know inside of her that our relationship is going to end as soon as the kids have grown up.

But I concentrate on creating a much better version of myself, physically and mentally - I have learned so much from all this infidelity cr*p - maybe I will even write a book some day:-/
Making myself better is giving me the strength to go through this and end up with or without her some day.

In my posts I always try to have focus on OP's own self, make them aware of the gift of self improvement.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I am 43, married 22 years. Wife had 2 1/2 yr PA and realistically an EA for at least 2 years before that (with a co worker). 2 kids age 15 and 10. Dday 2 18th May (1 was 11th March).

Divorce filed but on hold.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I am 42, married 9 years. My first M, H's 3rd.

H was found having 2 EA's. One being his ex hs gf, and that he has been "talking" to her our entire marriage. If it was physical, I have no proof , but wouldn't be surprised. Dday 1 was Sep 22 2011, Dday 2 was Nov. 24th 2011

He had a past with both women, he had an affair with at least one of them on his previous wife (among a couple other women also).

I go weekly to a women's shelter for a support group for his emotional/verbal/financial/controlling/monitoring/sexual abuse. 

I am wanting to D, but trying to decide if it's worth the wait till the 10 years because of benefits.

We have no kids together, I have 2 my D is 23 (mother of my 5 year old grand daughter), and my S is 19 ( he's in the Army Reserves). --Not deployed.


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

Hi...I'm 42 and so is my H. We have a 17 and 14 yr old boys. My H had an EA. I found out 6/13/2012 that was dday 1 - Just this past wked I seen them together when I went to my H's work so I guess that would be dday 2. So we are struggling with R as of right now.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I’m 26, he’s 34. 9+ years common-law with 2 kids. D-Day was in mid-August, when I was over eight months pregnant with our second child. He'd been pursuing intimate encounters on several dating sites, admitted to at least one emotional affair, and (in my unprofessional opinion) was addicted to – not just a casual user of porn (I knew he watched some porn but he hid his dozens of DVDs, 350 GBs and counting on a secret Hard-Drive, and paid subscriptions to live cams).

I selected “emotional affair” but I have some evidence pointing towards physical affair(s) as well - though he'd never admit to it. We've been separated since August and I don't intend to reconcile because his behavior post D-Day hasn't warranted it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I needed a multiple choice questionnaire... I think I could have ticked three of them.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

I can't vote either. I need an option 'not in an affair/betrayed spouse - I come here for another reason - please specify ...'

The reason being: reminds what a disaster it would be were I to have one, and helps me maintain sensible distances (cos I've noticed opportunities in the past, and whilst I haven't acted on them, I have dwelt on them mentally somewhat.)

Rags


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I needed a multiple choice questionnaire... I think I could have ticked three of them.


Same here: BS in EA (reconciliation)
WS in EA (reconciliation)
AP in EA

My EA was with another WS in Canada. My husband's EA was with another WS in another state.

Oh, I'm 37, hubby is 31, married 12 years, 3 kids (2 boys and a girl).

ETA: But to get a well rounded group... I answered "WS EA, reconciliation"


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Betrayed wife here, age 47, three kids one currently at home with her boyfriend. We've been married 11.5 years, been together for about 16 years.

Reconciling with hubby for about 2 years now. He started out with online porn, which was good enough for a couple of years, then got into online sex chatting, webcams, and ended up trying to hook up with 'models' who turned out to be scam artists that took him for thousands of dollars. No actual sex when I kicked him our March 13/10 but that changed when he hired a street hooker in June/10. That was his only physical encounter, plus when he hit rock bottom, and he finally got help for his addiction when he admitted it to me. Full story is linked in my sig if anyone is interested.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Wayward, EA, reconciling. Married to my wife for 14 years, together 22. Dday was August 2010. TAM addict. The rest of my details you can read in my thread linked below if you're so inclined.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Ticked the first box.

Both early 50's. About ten years ago, my wife had a textual/emotional affair with a younger guy who, it appears, sent her a text out of the blue. Exchanges went on for a week or two but they never met. I discovered it and jumped in too early and didn't handle things as well as I might have. Wish I knew about TAM back then! 

It's all here *in the 3rd post*.

She's provided complete and absolute transparency since then and becomes very upset (mortified and embarrassed) if ever I mention it, which I don't anymore. 

I've never had any reason to doubt her since . . . . . . . except for the fact that I feel I'll never trust her 100% again.

And I dislike that about myself because things have been pretty good since. Dammit . . . . . . . !


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Hopelessly Jaded 33, Husband was jealous because I had a threesome when I was single. He moped around acting "left out" of the club for almost a year. I got tired of it. Did the threesome twice. (MFM) Told him I was not ok sharing him. Started having sex in the same room with other couples for the voyeur/exhibitionism effect. I actually enjoyed this until one night he decided to take it to the next level, got off me and started banging someone else. Status: Dealing
> 
> Can't check...technically not an affair


Reading about it in the other thread triggered my own anger. I think I would have killed him or threw up on both of them. And how was the other guy okay with it ?
How do you deal with it ? You can't let it lay inside you as the pain will never cease until it takes away a part of you. 
Did you consider counseling ? Are you in one ? Did he show remorse afterwards ?



CantePe said:


> 14+ yr marriage. He had a 2 yr ea online facebook game is where it started. Nude pics, video, sexting, webcam, skyping, texting. 3D chat game, yahoo messenger.
> 
> We have 5 kids (now 12 and under). Jan 12 2011 will forever be a painful reminder of d - day. Lots of tt... easter 2011 was worse than Jan 2011 as that is when i discovered the pics and video. That was worse than discovering the ea.


Did he redeem himself after you busted him ? 
How they managed to keep an emotional affair going that long ? Is it because of distance ? Were she also married ? Were they planning on meeting ? 



cpacan said:


> I am 46, wife through 26 years had a 9 months PA with a parent to one of my kids friends.
> 
> 19 months out, good days and very bad days as well (this being one of them).
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you're in that place.
What do you mean by she can't get it ? You mean she's rationalizing it ? She can't feel that she's to blame about it ?
It's unfortunate to live that way. Did you make it stop or did it stop by itself ?



Chris989 said:


> I am 43, married 22 years. Wife had 2 1/2 yr PA and realistically an EA for at least 2 years before that (with a co worker). 2 kids age 15 and 10. Dday 2 18th May (1 was 11th March).
> 
> Divorce filed but on hold.


Chris, you've been one of the most helpful members in TAM. Can never thank you enough for that.
How do you feel about the divorce being on hold ?



Numb in Ohio said:


> I am 42, married 9 years. My first M, H's 3rd.
> 
> H was found having 2 EA's. One being his ex hs gf, and that he has been "talking" to her our entire marriage. If it was physical, I have no proof , but wouldn't be surprised. Dday 1 was Sep 22 2011, Dday 2 was Nov. 24th 2011
> 
> ...


Hi Numb, glad to meet you on a thread again.
I'm following your thread in counseling section. Mine is in hold as there isn't really noteworthy change but I'm still meeting with my counselor.
How much time is there left to reach the ten year milestone ? What benefits will a 10 year divorce would bring ?



ohsoalone said:


> Hi...I'm 42 and so is my H. We have a 17 and 14 yr old boys. My H had an EA. I found out 6/13/2012 that was dday 1 - Just this past wked I seen them together when I went to my H's work so I guess that would be dday 2. So we are struggling with R as of right now.


Did he meet her after agreeing to the no contact ? I hope I'm wrong but if they're still meeting then it means that there's still something going on.
If you still want to reconcile you should demand more efforts from your husband's part.



Miss Taken said:


> I’m 26, he’s 34. 9+ years common-law with 2 kids. D-Day was in mid-August, when I was over eight months pregnant with our second child. He'd been pursuing intimate encounters on several dating sites, admitted to at least one emotional affair, and (in my unprofessional opinion) was addicted to – not just a casual user of porn (I knew he watched some porn but he hid his dozens of DVDs, 350 GBs and counting on a secret Hard-Drive, and paid subscriptions to live cams).
> 
> I selected “emotional affair” but I have some evidence pointing towards physical affair(s) as well - though he'd never admit to it. We've been separated since August and I don't intend to reconcile because his behavior post D-Day hasn't warranted it.


I remember the dark days where we hanged around our infidelity threads. Your situation is among the hardest I've seen in this forum. Very amazed of how you deal with it.
I can't believe he still doesn't show the remorse he should be showing. But it's good thing that you're advanced in the detachement process.



MattMatt said:


> I needed a multiple choice questionnaire... I think I could have ticked three of them.


Hi MattMatt, along with Chris, MissTaken, Numb and so many others you've been of tremendous help to clarify things.
I wish you wouldn't have acted on your desire to get revenge, but what is done is done. I think you've done more than enough to redeem yourself.



Rags said:


> I can't vote either. I need an option 'not in an affair/betrayed spouse - I come here for another reason - please specify ...'
> 
> The reason being: reminds what a disaster it would be were I to have one, and helps me maintain sensible distances (cos I've noticed opportunities in the past, and whilst I haven't acted on them, I have dwelt on them mentally somewhat.)
> 
> Rags


I didn't really understand what you meant. If you mean that you regretted that you didn't act on them, you should at least be proud that you remained strong.



Maricha75 said:


> Same here: BS in EA (reconciliation)
> WS in EA (reconciliation)
> AP in EA
> 
> ...


Hi Maricha. How long is the reconciliation ? What made them stop ?
Did you feel the reconciliation taking its effect ? 



Hope1964 said:


> Betrayed wife here, age 47, three kids one currently at home with her boyfriend. We've been married 11.5 years, been together for about 16 years.
> 
> Reconciling with hubby for about 2 years now. He started out with online porn, which was good enough for a couple of years, then got into online sex chatting, webcams, and ended up trying to hook up with 'models' who turned out to be scam artists that took him for thousands of dollars. No actual sex when I kicked him our March 13/10 but that changed when he hired a street hooker in June/10. That was his only physical encounter, plus when he hit rock bottom, and he finally got help for his addiction when he admitted it to me. Full story is linked in my sig if anyone is interested.


Hi Hope, your story was among the first that I've read when registering to TAM. The scam part is just sad and must have been nerve wrecking to you.
He should be thankful that you stood patient after all that happened.



sigma1299 said:


> Wayward, EA, reconciling. Married to my wife for 14 years, together 22. Dday was August 2010. TAM addict. The rest of my details you can read in my thread linked below if you're so inclined.


Hi Sigma, I just read your thread after the Question to wayward spouses thread. You're among the rare persons that quickly admitted to their affairs.
You are lucky to have a very understanding wife but I sincerly think that you deserve it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Reconcilied. Close to three years after I busted my wife's 5 months full blown romantic, sexual, marriage killer affair.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Hi...it's Dig. I'm 44 and Regret is 42. We're working on reconciliation after her 5 year long PA.

It ain't f'ng easy, but then again life can be tough. I woke up on the correct side of the dirt this morning. Hoping to do the same tomorrow.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

BP, fiance was in an EA. I'm so glad I found this message board. I didn't know asking to see e-mails, text messages and so on is not too much to ask for when reconciling.

I'm glad that we had this crisis sooner and before marriage than later and after marriage.

I felt that my exH had carried on inappropriately with several women, he was extremely callous towards me about it. He then checked out of the marriage and had an exit affair.

So now I feel like I am on a mission. I am so annoyed by women who is insist on remaining friends with ex's whether of the long term or fly by night kind. And I am annoyed by men who go along with it and think it's cool. 

As I mentioned before, I'm on another relationship message board. I noticed one poster a few years ago who said that he had femal friends and if his wife/ the mother of his child did not get along with them, that would be a dealbreaker. This year on the board, he announced that he was getting a divorce. I pm'ed him to ask him if my memory was correct and was that the reason he was getting a divorce. And he wrote back, saying yes that was correct.

This does not bode will for family life.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> Reading about it in the other thread triggered my own anger. I think I would have killed him or threw up on both of them. And how was the other guy okay with it ?
> How do you deal with it ? You can't let it lay inside you as the pain will never cease until it takes away a part of you.
> Did you consider counseling ? Are you in one ? Did he show remorse afterwards ?


I will answer your questions in order best I can. The other guy was more than happy to climb on top of me and do his business. Most people don't understand why I didn't say anything. I was in shock and hurt for one. There were so many things going through my mind at that time. One was I was worried about making a scene. We were staying at their house and we were 2 hours from home. I was hurt and I just laid there like a dead starfish and turned my head and tried not to look at what my husband was doing. Which wasn't easy because the OM kept turning my head and saying stuff about what my husband was doing because I guess he thought it was hot.

Husband apologized and showed remorse as soon as the next day. I kind of avoided the subject for a couple weeks. Then when I tried to sit down and talk about it he got angry and acted like he was the "most" hurt I guess. This angered me tremendously. When my affection for him waned then he decided that maybe he needed to talk but then I didn't. This was like 2 or 3 months later. He has suggested counseling. I have heard too many quack stories about them.

Keeping him sexually satisfied had always been very important to me. And being the one and only since we met and feeling like I fully satisfied his needs made me feel superior and that feeling is what fed my passion for him. He killed that that night. And to make it worse it's like a movie that replays over and over. Sometimes it's when we have sex and sometimes it's just random times when I am watching tv. But it's there and I can't make it go away.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

Betrayed wife here, 34 years old married 9.5 years, together for 14 years. 3 kids 9,7, and 4 years old. He was not happy and not getting his needs meet. She paid attention to him.

Reconciling with husband, for 7 months. DDay 3/1/12.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Reconcilied. Close to three years after I busted my wife's 5 months full blown romantic, sexual, marriage killer affair.


Hi Acabado. I'm not familiar with your story. You are among the ones that helped but didn't get to read their stories.
Did the pain lessen with time ? Do you still get angry at your wife for what happened ? What made you stick with her ?



SomedayDig said:


> Hi...it's Dig. I'm 44 and Regret is 42. We're working on reconciliation after her 5 year long PA.
> 
> It ain't f'ng easy, but then again life can be tough. I woke up on the correct side of the dirt this morning. Hoping to do the same tomorrow.


Hi Dig, I read your threads and seen your exchange with Regret. I really hope you continue on your healing process.
I can only imagine how reconcilation is difficult. But it seems to me tha you're on the good path.



NextTimeAround said:


> BP, fiance was in an EA. I'm so glad I found this message board. I didn't know asking to see e-mails, text messages and so on is not too much to ask for when reconciling.
> 
> I'm glad that we had this crisis sooner and before marriage than later and after marriage.
> 
> ...


I changed my whole idea of opposite sex friends while being in this forum. I was very outgoing with married women before and didn't think more of it. 
Honestly, I occasionally had some sexual thoughts about them, but that's all they were. I just put it under the raw human subconscious mechanism but now I'm doubting my reasoning more than ever. I certainly won't be as comfortable with my partner having male friends as I was before.
Mankind suck but individuals can be great. That was my motto. Now, I'm not sure anymore.

Exit affairs are just the lowest level a human being can crawl into. You couldn't be more of an as*h*ole than that. 
Is he the same person that had an emotional affair before marriage ? And how did you know about it ? Did you bust him or did he come clean?



HopelesslyJaded said:


> I will answer your questions in order best I can. The other guy was more than happy to climb on top of me and do his business. Most people don't understand why I didn't say anything. I was in shock and hurt for one. There were so many things going through my mind at that time. One was I was worried about making a scene. We were staying at their house and we were 2 hours from home. I was hurt and I just laid there like a dead starfish and turned my head and tried not to look at what my husband was doing. Which wasn't easy because the OM kept turning my head and saying stuff about what my husband was doing because I guess he thought it was hot.
> 
> Husband apologized and showed remorse as soon as the next day. I kind of avoided the subject for a couple weeks. Then when I tried to sit down and talk about it he got angry and acted like he was the "most" hurt I guess. This angered me tremendously. When my affection for him waned then he decided that maybe he needed to talk but then I didn't. This was like 2 or 3 months later. He has suggested counseling. I have heard too many quack stories about them.
> 
> Keeping him sexually satisfied had always been very important to me. And being the one and only since we met and feeling like I fully satisfied his needs made me feel superior and that feeling is what fed my passion for him. He killed that that night. And to make it worse it's like a movie that replays over and over. Sometimes it's when we have sex and sometimes it's just random times when I am watching tv. But it's there and I can't make it go away.


I think you should try therapy for yourself. You're carrying a lot of burden.
I understand what you mean but feeling superior by pleasing your husband. I learned the hard way that bending over backward to someone would only make him take you for granted. Sad but true.

I mean no disrespect for your husband, but he really should eat s*** for what he's put you through. And I didn't even know that the other man used you.

Don't get me started on the movie replays. And again, I wasn't there. I went to see the other man on facebook and saw a picture of him in a swimsuit. Very out of shape and hairy dude. I spent so many nights begging my brain to stop bringing mental pictures of him with my ex wife. Just the thought that I was trying to touch her skin after she had her stand sickens me.

But, I honestly think you should start therapy because it's obviously consuming you. You're done way more than enough to expect the utmost respect and efforts.



lovemylife26 said:


> Betrayed wife here, 34 years old married 9.5 years, together for 14 years. 3 kids 9,7, and 4 years old. He was not happy and not getting his needs meet. She paid attention to him.
> 
> Reconciling with husband, for 7 months. DDay 3/1/12.


Was it a physical affair ? And how long did it last ?
Not getting his needs met is just an excuse. You're his wife, not his servant. It's his job to make you want to meet his needs but I'm sure you're aware about all of that.
How the reconciliation is going ?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Racer, 45 betrayed husband. Married 17 years, known each other since grade school. Lets see... I guess you can say I’m a secondary survivor (google it). Wife triggered an old trauma when we had a child molested and another handicapped; She couldn’t place ‘why’ or come to terms with it and blamed me. Then spent the next eight years abusing/using me to ‘get me back’ for this ‘wrong’ in her life. The confessed body count is 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 2 EA’s, and 3 groping/kissing scenarios including one OW. Multiple DD’s, a year and half of trickle truth. Suicide threats. False R about 6 months in. At the 18 month mark, she stopped talking... I believe there are more bodies and she’s protecting the married ones. I’m a hostage of sorts. 

3 years into the R. We did the MC, IC thing. I’m just learning to deal with her as she is; broken and messed up (even more so by her adultery). Oddly, I can/have found my happy place during my journey. Sad, but not resentful.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Hasn't been big changes for me in counseling. I have only been to 2 sessions with my IC and 2 at the women's shelter for support group. My IC cancelled a time before and today for not feeling well. I don't go back until the 24th.... not real happy having to wait that long, but I will go to my support group tomorrow evening as it's every Thursday from 6-7:30. 

Our 10 years won't be until Aug. 2nd next year.... some say I should wait because it will help with spousal support and to be eligible for his Social security, (yet if I remarry, I wouldn't be eligible for it anyway),, so not sure if I should just D, with MY wants of support from him, not what he is offering.

I think you had an awesome idea with one thread for people to give a briefing of their situations, and introduce themselves..


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

PA, 2x sex and almost everything they saw each other BJ.
It's hard at times. At times I feel like I should not be so happy, I get triggers from time to time. We both go to IC 1x a month it seems to help.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> Hi Maricha. How long is the reconciliation ? What made them stop ?
> Did you feel the reconciliation taking its effect ?


Mine ended in November/December of last year. I found out about his the end of March this year, by accident. By that time, I was out of my fog and knew, without a doubt, that my husband was the man I wanted to be with. Some will roll their eyes at this, but there were a lot of people praying for my marriage.... my sisters, my parents, and even some of my friends. It wasn't until mid-March that I knew without a doubt, though. And, I started turning around. Then I stumbled upon his by accident and I felt sick. Yes, I know, I had done the same thing. Doesn't change how it made me feel.

Mine, basically, fizzled out. His was discovered and I did all the wrong things in those first couple days (as I learned here on TAM). I, at first, allowed them to speak. The day I knew I couldn't handle them speaking anymore was the day I, after being told by him that I could read his texts anytime, tried to take his cell and he attempted to prevent me from reading. All I said was "that tells me all I need to know. You are hiding something that you don't want me to read." He let me read it, I was right. I think I allowed one more day and then I told him, "no more. her or me." And he chose me. The b!tch tried to say I was being selfish and insecure, etc. But we deleted her from our contacts on everything and blocked her wherever we could. 

We are doing better now. We make time for each other, unlike before. Some things still need work, but others have drastically improved.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Hi Torrivien, my story is, the moment I got the evidence I called MOM'sBE and him and he vanished in the smoke and threw her under the bus. My wife was devastated, totally broken, She was madly in love with this man. I had to confort her for a while and then started to take care of my children, who were already neglected for a while and myself. While crushed to the core I didn't have the time to console her anymore. I started to detach, contacted a lawyer and planned our separated lives. About three months after DDay I was about to file, she was mostly resigned but I nocited she was coming around. At that point I had nothing more to loose so I heard her, I watched from distance; I asked. She slowly came back to herself. Beyond the first few weeks I become a zombie, was numb. A few months ahead I decided to give her a chance, then the real rollercoaster begun. 
She did her work, on herslef, on me. I put also my share. Things imporved slowly. The second year was the worse actualy. I'm mostly happy, not angry anymore. I started reading material a couple of months after DDay; I decided that without rusgsweeeping I didn't need to borrow trouble putting a deadline on the recovery. 
My marriage has changed, I can't forget what happened but I'm not in pain anymore. **** happens. My wife knows I can be happy without her and she can't afford to cross any boundaire. She's more now the giver and me the taker, the opposite if the marriage preA.

As I said earlier I'm happy, we are fine.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

STBXW got herself a "two-for-one" deal with her OMen. One was a definite EA/PA; the other was definitely an EA, which may well have escalated to PA status.

*Separation*: May, 2011; *Divorce Filed*: November, 2011
*Still Awaiting Final Decree of Divorce*


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

In a nutshell...
Decimated here. 49 years old, Second marriage, married 15 years, 3 children. STBXW 41, POSOM married 42. 
First marriage, no children, cheated on me after 1 1/2 years of marriage. I divorced her immediately...22 years ago. 

STBXW started EA 6/09. First D day 9/09...school friend, cell bill, admitted friendship only. I gave her the first ultimatum...talk to him again and I will divorce you. She begged me to stay...I did.

Second D day 12/10...Facebook. She admitted continued friendship only (same OM) I got the "I'm not Haaaaappy" speech. A gave another ultimatum...talk to him again and I will divorce you. She said she didn't want to D.

Put GPS tracker in car to confirm and got into her phone and read messages...still in contact and within a week tracked her to a hotel. Still denied PA...EA only, claimed it was over, but was ambivalent about us. I talked to a lawyer. She wanted to save our marriage but was doing nothing...I stupidly agreed. 

4/11 contacted OM's wife. She sent me thousands of messages from OM's computer between OM and STBXW...confirmed PA...over a year. Wife claimed it was over and wanted to save our marriage...still doing nothing to gain trust...no remorse....I stupidly agreed again. 

Like an idiot I stayed and tried to work on our marriage for almost a year. Again...she did nothing. Could not confirm if she is still in contact with OM...honestly, I don't care anymore. She was never transparent, open, honest, no passwords removed...unbelievable! She has become a total selfish, stubborn, emotional disaster. I filed for Divorce 3/12.

Still living together. I should be final in about a month or two. Her lawyer keeps dragging her feet. I think STBXW is compartmentalizing or in denial. She is really messed up from all of this.

I should add that I was devastated by what she did...still am. I always thought I was a good, honest, faithful, attentive, and loving husband and we had a good marriage. She never told me otherwise even after years of talking and asking. She would tell me how lucky she felt and how much she loved me. Her downward spiral started after her parents passed away. Only after D Day #2 did she begin to express any unhappiness in our marriage...fog?

Also...late breaking news. STBXW's OBGYN just informed her that she needs to have a Hysterectomy and scheduled it for early next month. Abnormal, highly aggressive per-cancerous cells...Wow. I wonder what could cause this...or where she got it. Sad sarcasm.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Hi...it's Dig. I'm 44 and Regret is 42. We're working on reconciliation after her 5 year long PA.
> 
> It ain't f'ng easy, but then again life can be tough. I woke up on the correct side of the dirt this morning. Hoping to do the same tomorrow.


I don't imagine it would be, considering you have to reconcile with the 5 years of her leading a double life and the false image you had of her.

Brave men, willing to take on the punishment. *salute*


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> I don't imagine it would be, considering you have to reconcile with the 5 years of her leading a double life and the false image you had of her.
> 
> Brave men, willing to take on the punishment. *salute*


Thank you Bjorn. That really means a lot to me.


EDIT: For those that don't know...Dday was March 6 when I uncovered her affair and confronted her immediately.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> I will answer your questions in order best I can. The other guy was more than happy to climb on top of me and do his business. Most people don't understand why I didn't say anything. I was in shock and hurt for one. There were so many things going through my mind at that time. One was I was worried about making a scene. We were staying at their house and we were 2 hours from home. I was hurt and I just laid there like a dead starfish and turned my head and tried not to look at what my husband was doing. Which wasn't easy because the OM kept turning my head and saying stuff about what my husband was doing because I guess he thought it was hot.
> 
> Husband apologized and showed remorse as soon as the next day. I kind of avoided the subject for a couple weeks. Then when I tried to sit down and talk about it he got angry and acted like he was the "most" hurt I guess. This angered me tremendously. When my affection for him waned then he decided that maybe he needed to talk but then I didn't. This was like 2 or 3 months later. He has suggested counseling. I have heard too many quack stories about them.
> 
> Keeping him sexually satisfied had always been very important to me. And being the one and only since we met and feeling like I fully satisfied his needs made me feel superior and that feeling is what fed my passion for him. He killed that that night. And to make it worse it's like a movie that replays over and over. Sometimes it's when we have sex and sometimes it's just random times when I am watching tv. But it's there and I can't make it go away.


Damn.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

****Is he the same person that had an emotional affair before marriage ? And how did you know about it ? Did you bust him or did he come clean?****

Torrvvien, my exH and my fiance are 2 different people, 10 years apart.

My experience from my (failed) marriage made me sensitive to the problems caused by these chummy liaisons.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> I'm sorry you're in that place.
> What do you mean by she can't get it ? You mean she's rationalizing it ? She can't feel that she's to blame about it ?
> It's unfortunate to live that way. Did you make it stop or did it stop by itself ?


Well, she is still projecting guilt on me and OM. Don't want to work on own issues and doesn't posses empathy enough to understand the full impact on me and our relationship. Guilt ridden and low self esteem is the most optimistic assesment of the situation - alternative is that she is just plain evil and/or has checked out.

She doesn't flirt with other males anymore, she is very loving to be with, sex is good, but she shuts down whenever the talk is about relationship issues.

Whatever she might be thinking, feeling and planning and doing, I think I gain and win by improving myself. I will be prepared whatever comes my way.

I busted the affair by accident - she completely compartmentalized it.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I am 37 my STDXH had and emotional and physical affair with a co-worker for several months (who knows). D-day was Decemeber 21, been separated since then, divorce filled but on hold as begged by him. He did the whole theatrics on remors twice before (do not believe a word he says). No idea what will happen, I have gone numb.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You don't have a box for me.


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## ohsoalone (Jun 29, 2012)

Torrivien said:


> Did he meet her after agreeing to the no contact ? I hope I'm wrong but if they're still meeting then it means that there's still something going on.
> If you still want to reconcile you should demand more efforts from your husband's part.
> 
> 
> ...


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Oh that can be a different matter, ohsoalone. Sorry for misunderstanding.
If he can't ask for a transfer, you should know his lunch whereabouts.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> I am 37 my STDXH had and emotional and physical affair with a co-worker for several months (who knows). D-day was Decemeber 21, been separated since then, divorce filled but on hold as begged by him. He did the whole theatrics on remors twice before (do not believe a word he says). No idea what will happen, I have gone numb.


Did the theatrics happen because of other reasons than cheating ? Does he show signs of repentance ?



cpacan said:


> Well, she is still projecting guilt on me and OM. Don't want to work on own issues and doesn't posses empathy enough to understand the full impact on me and our relationship. Guilt ridden and low self esteem is the most optimistic assesment of the situation - alternative is that she is just plain evil and/or has checked out.
> 
> She doesn't flirt with other males anymore, she is very loving to be with, sex is good, but she shuts down whenever the talk is about relationship issues.
> 
> ...


You're really in a tough spot. If you're comfortable with the way your relationship is going, then it's good.
Some people are afraid to show their guilt or regret as they think it's weakness, some are just not wired to feel guilt nor regret.
I see the common factor in all situations similar to yours is the children. How do you manage that they are not affected but what happened between you two ? And how well is the communication lines between you and your children ?



NextTimeAround said:


> ****Is he the same person that had an emotional affair before marriage ? And how did you know about it ? Did you bust him or did he come clean?****
> 
> Torrvvien, my exH and my fiance are 2 different people, 10 years apart.
> 
> My experience from my (failed) marriage made me sensitive to the problems caused by these chummy liaisons.


I hear you.
How long since you get your divorce ? Did you manage to date afterwards ?


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Racer said:


> Racer, 45 betrayed husband. Married 17 years, known each other since grade school. Lets see... I guess you can say I’m a secondary survivor (google it). Wife triggered an old trauma when we had a child molested and another handicapped; She couldn’t place ‘why’ or come to terms with it and blamed me. Then spent the next eight years abusing/using me to ‘get me back’ for this ‘wrong’ in her life. The confessed body count is 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 2 EA’s, and 3 groping/kissing scenarios including one OW. Multiple DD’s, a year and half of trickle truth. Suicide threats. False R about 6 months in. At the 18 month mark, she stopped talking... I believe there are more bodies and she’s protecting the married ones. I’m a hostage of sorts.
> 
> 3 years into the R. We did the MC, IC thing. I’m just learning to deal with her as she is; broken and messed up (even more so by her adultery). Oddly, I can/have found my happy place during my journey. Sad, but not resentful.


Hi Racer, I went to read the rest of your threads that I didn't read already and I'm sorry, dude, I really don't have any comment. Your situation is so complex, and the dynamics between you and your wife is way beyond my unprofessional ability to give advice.



Numb in Ohio said:


> Hasn't been big changes for me in counseling. I have only been to 2 sessions with my IC and 2 at the women's shelter for support group. My IC cancelled a time before and today for not feeling well. I don't go back until the 24th.... not real happy having to wait that long, but I will go to my support group tomorrow evening as it's every Thursday from 6-7:30.
> 
> Our 10 years won't be until Aug. 2nd next year.... some say I should wait because it will help with spousal support and to be eligible for his Social security, (yet if I remarry, I wouldn't be eligible for it anyway),, so not sure if I should just D, with MY wants of support from him, not what he is offering.
> 
> I think you had an awesome idea with one thread for people to give a briefing of their situations, and introduce themselves..


Hang in there, Numb. 
I remember that your husband is quite abusive to you so I understand how waiting until the 10 years threshold may be difficult.
You have all the time to think about the best decision for you. Be strong and be safe.


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