# I have absolutely no idea what to do.



## rg550 (Jun 26, 2012)

Well, here's some back story.

I am 23 years old, and my wife is 2 years younger than me. We have a 2 year old daughter. Yes, we did everything younger than we should - can't change the past.

2 weeks ago my wife and I got into an argument. We had a babysitter for our daughter and were planning to have a date night. My wife decided that she wanted to go to a club with her friends. I told her that I thought we would be doing something together considering it's our date night. She basically said that she was going to go, and I could find something else to do. This argument escalated and ended with her telling me that she wanted a divorce. (I don't suspect infidelity here, in fact I'm fairly positive there is none)

A couple days later my wife booked a flight for Spain, telling me that she needed to be around her family and "clear her mind". She left that day, leaving me with the responsibility of the bills, housework, taking care of our daughter, etc... by myself.

She called two or three times in the first 5 days she was there to talk to our daughter, but refused to have any conversation with me. Over the course of these 5 days my sadness turned to anger. However I still love her and want my family to work, especially for my daughter.

Yesterday was day 6 and we finally had our first conversation about things. She told me that she still hadn't made a decision about what she wanted to do, and being angry I decided that wasn't good enough for me. I told her that I was tired of living in a world of uncertainty and that I was ready to get on with my life, with or without her. She said that makes it sound like I don't love her anymore. I calmly explained that I do love her, but her actions have hurt me more than she could possibly know - that she got to have a beach vacation while I was left here to deal with the crumbling of my life.

She said that she had to get off the phone, because she was going to spend some time with her mother, and that she would call me back the next day (tonight). She is coming back from Spain tomorrow, and as I continue to wait for this phone call I have no idea what to do.

On one hand, she is with her mother who is great at scheming things in her favor; so I am slightly worried about my wife coming back and then just screwing me over a week later. On the other hand, I still love her, and I'm not exactly a proponent of divorce. I've decided that during the phone call tonight there's basically three things that I need to hear from her:

1.) That she wants to work things out. Not because it's convenient, not because she's not financially stable, not solely for our daughter - but because she loves me and wants to save our marriage.

2.) That she is willing to go to marriage counseling once a week.

3.) This may be selfish of me, but I want her to admit that she screwed up. I want her to acknowledge the fact that leaving for Spain was selfish.

Part of me thinks I can hold firm to these things, and yet another side of me thinks that I'm going to cave at the slightest hint of her willingness to come back and be a family again.

Any ideas what to do here? What to ask her tonight? What I should be looking for. I'm pretty lost here.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Just ask her to come home and work on the rest. You can't work it out over the phone while she has famil influencing her and she's in beach lala land.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

diwali is right. Bring this up AFTER she's home

Your wife seems very passive aggressive and her fleeing to Spain was a textbook example.

I also think that her bait and switch reagrding your planned night out was wrong too. It illustrated her complete lack of respect for you by changing her plans at the last moment and not even inviting you.

I also think it speaks volumes about her feelings for you. Something isn't right in your relationship. Also, you're both very young and the two of you need to realize that marriage isn't easy. as a matter of fact, it will most likely get harder.

Hopefully she'll agree to counseling. sounds like you two need it


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## rg550 (Jun 26, 2012)

Thanks for the responses. Still awaiting her call for the night. 

Waiting until she's home sounds like the easiest option I suppose. However, it's not like things got bad just recently. This is the third time she's thrown the word "divorce" at me, though the first time that she's actually done something relevant with it. 

I suppose it's more of an internal struggle as well. My wife likes to do the whole girls night out thing, stay out late, and then blame me for being controlling when I express my frustration and anger about the situation. I guess I just had it in my mind that I needed to make a decision tonight. If we are headed down the divorce road I'd like to get papers signed to protect my daughter (yes, the mother has threatened to take the child to another state and I quote "There's nothing you can do about it").

Thanks again for the responses. It feels good just finally getting it out there to someone, and feeling like I'm not internalizing every aspect of it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

She does sound very immature but obviously we don't know her side of the story. Is she saying she will
go to another state in the US or take her to Spain? 
She seems very unhappy. When she gets back she does need to make a decision to either commit to your marriage or not. I think you need to put your foot down and tell her that it's either counseling, commitment and stop talking about divorce OR you start the divorce process. Say in a factual way, a kind way. FYI: if you are in the US, and she does flee to another state you need to file for divorce ASAP. That way you set the jurisdiction in your county. While the divorce is pending neither one of you can take the child out of the county without permission of the other unless there are extenuating circumstances. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shootables (Jun 21, 2012)

Having the 1,2, 3 ultimatums will almost guarantee a divorce proceedings. You just need to cool out and have an open mind. Need to find common ground. Then move forward. Remember marriage is a partnership. Her leaving her daughter for a minor fight seem's real selfish and a bit narcissistic. Don't tell her that! 

Before taking any action or delivering ultimatums you really have to think about your daughter. For perspective, A good technique is to try and look at the situation as an impartial observer. Take a step back forget your own anger and hurt. Breathe. Take a look at the big picture. What do you see?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Are you sure she didn't go to Spain because her family had a new man to introduce her to? Just seems odd to go ALL THE WAY TO SPAIN, even for family, at the drop of a hat after an argument. It's possible, but fishy.


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## rg550 (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm fairly sure it wasn't for a new man. If that was the case I imagine she would stay there. Her mother, grandmother, and three aunts are all from Spain and live there where they own a beach bar together. 

My wife hadn't seen her mother in about a year, so I don't think there's a guy involved, or at least a guy being the reason she went there.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

rg550 said:


> I'm fairly sure it wasn't for a new man. If that was the case I imagine she would stay there. Her mother, grandmother, and three aunts are all from Spain and live there where they own a beach bar together.
> 
> My wife hadn't seen her mother in about a year, so I don't think there's a guy involved, or at least a guy being the reason she went there.


Okay good. Wow, a beach bar? That sounds awesome. Maybe you both should move to Spain....

Good luck.


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## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

Wow. I can so relate to your situation right now. My husband is deciding if he wants to work on our relationship right now. I feel so powerless and frustrated.
Hang in there, and keep strong for your daughter.
Good luck


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