# Go figure: stepchildren.



## dragonfly3 (Nov 10, 2012)

So I really need some help and advice on how to deal with my fiancee's daughter. I've met her a few times and she's not very old. Almost 5. Anyways, I...honestly don't want anything to do with her. I understand she's his blood, his child, and to be with him I need to accept her. My issue's are purely selfish and are as follows:
-I'm jealous I wasn't the first person to give him a child. And a lot of that jealousy has turned into resentment. 
-I don't like having exes be a part of the new relationship. On either side and her mother is clearly not going anywhere. I also refuse, flat out, refuse to have my income go towards child support.
-They are in the middle of a custody battle. His mother constantly guilt trips him over....life, but uses his daughter against him to try and drive a wedge between he and I. After she slams things in his face, he becomes moody and withdrawn. Which used to cause fights. Now I just accept it and try to help him with his emotions.
So that's pretty much what it is. I recognize that the issues I have with him having a child already are selfish and stem from massive jealousy issues. But I NEED help dealing with it. I'm very open with him about my feelings of jealousy and what is now manifesting into resentment towards his child. And he's very open with me and understands my side/feelings. However, I feel like I can and should do better with my feelings for her sake. His daughter I mean. None of this is her fault....I just need any help I can get.
*Please and thank you.*


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Your problems are serious and of long-standing (nobody develops jealousy issues overnight). Given that, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE to address these issues?

If you're NOT in Individual Counseling, get into it NOW. Find out WHY you're like you are, HOW you can change it, WHAT your fiance can do to support your work on yourself.

There is NOTHING that strangers here on the internet can tell you about HOW to FIX yourself. We can tell you that you NEED to fix your jealousy issues or break up with your fiance, but YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT. 

Good luck on trying to resolve your issues. A counselor can help you understand WHY, and without understanding THAT, you'll never be able to effect a permanent change.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

I think you are setting a pretty low bar if all you expect to do is to "accept" his child. I agree that going to counseling to help you figure out what your boundaries are with respect to stepchildren would be really helpful, and I do not think it would be a good idea to marry this man unless you and he have talked honestly and in depth about your limits.

For now -- 
I don't see anything wrong with saying to your fiance -- I love you, but I do not want to move forward with blending our lives (by marrying, through finances) until you and your ex have settled your custody battle. 
After the custody battle is settled and before you marry you & your H should try to work out (in writing) expectations for your role in parenting his daughter. 
As far as being a step parent -- READ up on this. If you marry this man, you will be spending time (in a parenting role) with your step daughter for 15+ years. You need to educate yourself about how to approach parenting a step child. From what I've read it takes 5 years before children will accept their new step parent as a "real" part of the family -- so you can expect (at least initially) that this will be a rollercoaster ride and will put a huge stress on your relationship. There is a reason why 75% of second marriages fail when children are involved! It's not easy.


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