# How do you break up with a good guy?



## meggyb (6 mo ago)

My boyfriend (34) and I (29) have been together for 6 years now. We recently moved in together (about 8 months ago).

When I told you he was a good guy, I meant it. Well, he does the bare minimum, at least — doesn't cheat on me, makes me feel loved & appreciated, etc. Now, here's the part where I tell you what the deal-breaker has been for me...

He doesn't take care of himself. He seems like he isn't serious about his future. He settles with this mediocre job and barely makes anything. He smokes nonstop. We don't have sex (for more than a year now). He eats like **** and doesn't want to exercise. And, I am no longer physically — even sexually attracted to him.
You can tell me I'm being unfair with these reasons, but when you're getting older, you realize that you should have a partner who shares the same values as you.
I've had thoughts of cheating, and I no longer imagine my future with him.

I came from a very messed up family, so when his family showed me how loved I am, they became part of my life and one of the reasons why I'm having a hard time breaking it off with their son/brother.

And... the fact that we moved to a new city away from everyone makes me want to throw up. I was the one who told him to move to this city. If we broke up, I plan on staying, but he, for sure, will definitely go back to the city where we came from.

I have this constant fantasy of being with someone else. Someone who takes care of himself and works hard for his/our future. I feel like I have long been done with our relationship. It's just the fact that he still tries to work it out with me that's holding me down... and the familiarity, god, it's been 6 years that I've been with this guy.

What do you think I should do? Would I be okay? Would he be okay if we broke up? Is it selfish and unfair for wanting more/better for myself?

I need your opinions, friends. I've been so depressed just thinking about pushing through this breakup with him. I'm desperate.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

You just have to do it. I know that seems like bad advice but that's the reality of it. There is no secret thing you can say that will make it all better. He's likely going to try and talk you out of it but your mind is made up, right? Just stay strong and stand by your decision. I'd just be honest about the break but try not to be too harsh about it. 

I consider dating and relationships to be a trial run to see if you want to take things further. You clearly do not. It's not selfish of you to want better for yourself. I've been in situations before where like you I have invested far too much in people I was not really compatible with. No reason to stick around any longer than you already have.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

meggyb said:


> My boyfriend (34) and I (29) have been together for 6 years now. We recently moved in together (about 8 months ago).
> 
> When I told you he was a good guy, I meant it. Well, he does the bare minimum, at least — doesn't cheat on me, makes me feel loved & appreciated, etc. Now, here's the part where I tell you what the deal-breaker has been for me...
> 
> ...


The relationship has run its course, you know in your heart it's time to let go.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

meggyb said:


> What do you think I should do? Would I be okay? Would he be okay if we broke up? Is it selfish and unfair for wanting more/better for myself?


I am a bit confused. Are you not adults? Then why _wouldn't _you both be ok after a break-up??

And, of course, it is not selfish to want a healthy adult romantic relationship. Which, btw, you do not have with this guy. He does the bare minimum as a roommate. As a romantic partner? He's absolutely, as described here, sub par. I don't know how you tolerate no sex, no professional ambition, eating like a garbage disposal, and constant smoking.

Sit him down and tell him that the relationship is over, this is not up for debate, and he needs to make plans to either move back to the original city or get himself a new roommate situation. Don't be mean, but be firm. Very firm.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Sometimes "good" just isn't enough. This is one of those times. You will likely feel crappy about it, because that's how you should feel, and the reason why you came here for advice.

But you (and him) will eventually get over it and move on. Sure, it's a lot easier to ditch an a hole, but the end result is the same. 

One thing that may be worth exploring is what happened that lead to the sex stopping? Did something change? It's been my experience that once that part of the relationship goes, then the rest is pretty much doomed. Did he quit initiating or did you as a result of resentment? 

Do what's right for yourself. Time flies and if you drag your feet here, you will regret it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

hamadryad said:


> Sure, it's a lot easier to ditch an a hole, but the end result is the same.


Agreed, they don't have to be a B or an a hole to be incompatible. Sometimes it just doesn't work, and sometimes, you just have to let go of the one you love.

@meggyb 

It will hurt, but it will either hurt now or hurt a lot more later on. With what you have left - try to let it end in a way that it can be a happy memory, for both of you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Some people get lazy and complacent in LTRs and let themselves go. 

Getting dumped may be one of the best things that could happen to him and may even save his life down the road. 

If he gets dumped he may start eating better, exercising, taking care of himself and taking his career seriously. 

And hopefully he’d learn that he can’t be a lazy, complacent slug in his next relationship(s).

That won’t do you any good of course but at least he wouldn’t be learning to do those things on your time and you would be able to be with someone that is already doing those things innately. 

So yes, you will both ultimately be fine.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> @meggyb
> 
> It will hurt, but it will either hurt now or hurt a lot more later on. With what you have left - try to let it end in a way that it can be a happy memory, for both of you.


Losing weight is hard, but being fat is hard too. 

Moving up in your career is hard, but being stuck in a minimum wage job is hard too. 

Having good relationships is hard work, but being alone is hard too. 

In all things in life, we must pick our hard.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

First you make sure you have some place to go & can get out of the lease. It's easy to get out of the relationship. It's hard to get out of a lease. Do not move but leave your name on the lease or he could ruin your credit. 

Once you have the legal & financial things worked out, then you just tell him, "This isn't working for me any more & it hasn't been for a long time. I'm moving out next weekend." Then you do just that. It's not easy but direct is better. Don't talk about his laziness or slovenly habits because all that will get you is a bunch of promises & maybe some changed behavior for a few weeks.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Can I ask why you made him move with you to another city (it sounds like his family is wonderful, so he must be feeling awful out there and not very motivated). I assume with all these feelings, you’ve been showing him for some time you’re not into him and he’s wondering why.

You don’t have to stay with a good guy. That’s ok and you’re both young enough to move on. But if any part of that move was calculated, that part is not ok. Why move him to another city, why did you need him there?

It’s a common scenario. The one where one partner makes another move, yet starts a new life and suddenly changes and shuts down emotionally and starts treating that partner badly. It’s devastating for the partner who thought they were the bees knees, you know, ‘they made this big move and wanted me with them!’ Their self-esteem plummets because it was actually a trap. The partner doesn’t want them after all and is Making huge steps to wear them down. Again, common for the now not-good-enough spouse to start eating more, losing motivation ambition. Yet the movin-on-and-upwards spouse just hasn’t pulled the plug?

I’m just wanting to be clear about why you asked him to move, when he became not good enough, and why decide you want a better guy after moving him to another city with you. (It’s ok to want another guy, not berating you for this). Has his self esteem been worn down?


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

You could start dating his brother or father if he has either and they're single. That way keep the family and get rid of him at the same time.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Just realize that even if he promises to change, it's unlikely that he can or will. Move on.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

How? easy, you just tell him that you're ending the relationship because you're not longer attracted nor in love with him. That's all. No need to go into copious amounts of dramatic details as to why.

Advice, do this only if only you are really secure in the knowledge that your decision is final. Please, don't say things and then yo-yo back and for on it. No fair to your husband, actually it would be cruel.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think six years is way long enough to decide if someone is a good match for marriage and the future. There will be times even in the best of relationships though that you may not agree but your situation sounds like continuing on will just enable him more.

You just have to say what you feel, in a kind way and hopefully, you both can move on without any drama.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Have you mixed money or assets? If so, speak with an attorney about what steps to take to protect your part before you talk to him.

If not, you just have to tell him you feel your relationship has run its course. Don't take the opportunity to destroy his self-esteem in the process. He doesn't need to hear he smokes and is fat. He knows that. If he has to have a reason, just tell him you're not feeling it anymore and don't feel you have common goals and don't want to waste any more of your or his time. Good luck.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

There is no how to it, you just do it.

How long have these things been an issue?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What you can do is this.

Find a place to stay and secure it.

Get some friends together that will help you move.

Tell him a few days before you move out that it’s not working out any longer.

Move out.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

And once you have let him know you're definitely leaving, you can write a nice email to his family saying you'll miss them. But don't try to keep them because it might keep him hanging on.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

meggyb said:


> My boyfriend (34) and I (29) have been together for 6 years now. We recently moved in together (about 8 months ago).
> 
> When I told you he was a good guy, I meant it. Well, he does the bare minimum, at least — doesn't cheat on me, makes me feel loved & appreciated, etc. Now, here's the part where I tell you what the deal-breaker has been for me...
> 
> ...


I see your point. 

This is why I advice men to keep themselves in good shape and strive for self-development.

*But* I have reservations about how you handled your relationship.
_
"We don't have sex (for more than a year now). He eats like **** and doesn't want to exercise. And, I am no longer physically — even sexually attracted to him."_

You withheld intimacy? Or he did this?
_
"And... the fact that we moved to a new city away from everyone makes me want to throw up. I was the one who told him to move to this city. If we broke up, I plan on staying, but he, for sure, will definitely go back to the city where we came from."_

🤦‍♂️

WHY would you motivate him to move to a new city with you only to ditch him now?

_"I've had thoughts of cheating, and I no longer imagine my future with him."_

Is there another guy in the picture who has your attention in the present?

----

I want you to understand that this is NOT how you are supposed to treat a man in a relationship. You should have broken up with him and moved to a new city on your own. It seems like you USED him for a purpose to your benefit but at his expense.

If you are convinced that you cannot continue with him then nobody is stopping you from moving on. This is the best you can do for yourself. But *be* more ethical in your next relationship.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I agree with @LeGenDary_Man that it is F’d up that you used him to ease your move to a new city. Now you’re acclimated to the new city and I suspect have a new guy chasing after you, so no longer need him. He pales in comparison to whoever has caught your eye, so you shut your muffin shop, to him. 

Was he always like this? If so, why ask him on this journey? He could just be unhappy about the new life he threw himself into for you and is dealing with it with weed and junk food. 

I recommend that you just end it. Don’t freaking crush him any further by cheating on him. Be an adult and apologize for dragging him out to this city but that you can no longer go on with this relationship. That he’s stuck through a year of a sexless relationship, tells me he has codependency issues. So will likely beg but I recommend that you just rip the bandage off. He can go back to his hometown to his support base, and you can be free to do what we all know you want to do.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Plant it out then work your plan. People for the most part don’t change.
If you stay you will regret it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Fat and no sex for a year?

No. Not a good man.


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## meggyb (6 mo ago)

hey guys! thank you all so much for your comments, i appreciate them  just to address a few things...

1. we don't have any mortgage whatsoever, which is good. we're just renting out an apartment under my name. i pay for the apartment rent, and he pays for the bills (electricity, water, internet, etc).
2. i absolutely did not use him so i could move out. i told him that whether or not he was with me, my move was final; he was actually grateful that he got away from the house. personally, it was my way of "fixing things." i thought the feelings were going to return once we were finally alone and sort of starting out anew (this is my bad as i did not further elaborate on what went down leading to our moving out). 
3. it was 2 years ago when i started losing interest, sort of. i broke up with him but he threatened to take our dog away from me if i pushed through with the breakup. i know i should've been more firm, but the fear of losing my dog and him going off like that scared the heck out of me. so i said okay, that i'm open to trying again... but things did not get better. i tried so hard to convince myself that i was being selfish for staying in my unhappy relationship and that i was being unfair to him. 
4. he cheated on me one year into our relationship. i forgave him. he's been great on the "faithful" aspect 5 years later after that one cheating incident. 
5. i'm earning 3x as him, but i never once made him feel bad about his career choice,. it's just that i've gotten so fed up with how he treats his health and his future like they don't matter. he's 34 and acts like he's still the guy i met 6 years ago. and yes, he's always been like this. i tolerated his actions over the past years hoping for him to "change." i would buy him career/business books to help him (but i never pressure him). i would encourage him to take some courses — he's been saying for 2 years now that he was going to learn a skill so he could have the opportunity to earn more. we both work from home, btw.
6. he smokes cigarettes. he had managed to "quit" last year when i caught covid (gladly he didn't get infected, idk what's in his system despite being a heavy smoker lol). he stopped for a month and went back to his old routine after i got better. i've been begging for him to ultimately stop. he freakin did it when he was forced by the covid situation, so idk what's stopping him now.
7. i do not have a specific guy that i've got the hots for, but i really want to be with someone who takes their future very seriously. i can't keep living like it's okay to see your supposed "future partner" to be okay with just living paycheck-to-paycheck. i need someone who strives and really shows it, not just someone who keeps f-ing saying it just to shut me up.

a little more about myself... i am a breadwinner. ever since i started working, i never felt "free." i came from a very abusive & dysfunctional family so when i finally had the opportunity to move far away from my old life, i took that chance — which is moving to this new city. like i've told you, this feeling of losing the sparks with my boyfriend took place 2 years ago so i can't really say that i am just now realizing that i've lost feelings. the guts to finally recognize how f-ed up the situation is? yeah, that i am guilty of.

i'm well aware that i should have been more honest with myself and him... i feel like i snatched up some good years of us finding our peace and the things that we both deserve by stalling for 2 years. i feel really bad that i dragged him all the way to a new city only to realize that it was never going to work out. i feel so bad so i had to ask for your guys' advice because i feel definitely lost. i feel like **** about the thought that he would be forced to go back to the place he had wanted to get out of for a long time. feeling like **** about all of this is an understatement.

the thing is, i think we both deserve to be independent. we've been relying on each other for 6 years now and i think he knows it too, we both just don't have the guts to verbally say/end it.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I recommend that you just end it. 
he cheated and that did not help , 
you see him in a different light now so end it and don't feel sorry for changing , 
I just wish you well


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Have you told him all this stuff? But, unfortunately, there is the dog thing... I could never leave my dog.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You settled. Never do that. You don’t owe anyone anything. 
Dating, etc. is a tryout. Move on.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I love my dog, but I would never trade my happiness and my future for her. Was the dog his originally, or did you acquire it while together? If the latter, you have as much claim to it as he does.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

meggyb said:


> hey guys! thank you all so much for your comments, i appreciate them  just to address a few things...
> 
> 1. we don't have any mortgage whatsoever, which is good. we're just renting out an apartment under my name. i pay for the apartment rent, and he pays for the bills (electricity, water, internet, etc).
> 2. i absolutely did not use him so i could move out. i told him that whether or not he was with me, my move was final; he was actually grateful that he got away from the house. personally, it was my way of "fixing things." i thought the feelings were going to return once we were finally alone and sort of starting out anew (this is my bad as i did not further elaborate on what went down leading to our moving out).
> ...


You're welcome.

1. Fair.

2. Fair.

3. You may love a pet but you should not prioritize it over your own happiness. You can get another dog.

4. You have a big heart.

5. Fair.

But what exactly is his line of work? Did COVID-19 pandemic affect his career prospects?

6. Fair.

7. Fair.



meggyb said:


> a little more about myself... i am a breadwinner. ever since i started working, i never felt "free." i came from a very abusive & dysfunctional family so when i finally had the opportunity to move far away from my old life, i took that chance — which is moving to this new city. like i've told you, this feeling of losing the sparks with my boyfriend took place 2 years ago so i can't really say that i am just now realizing that i've lost feelings. the guts to finally recognize how f-ed up the situation is? yeah, that i am guilty of.
> 
> i'm well aware that i should have been more honest with myself and him... i feel like i snatched up some good years of us finding our peace and the things that we both deserve by stalling for 2 years. i feel really bad that i dragged him all the way to a new city only to realize that it was never going to work out. i feel so bad so i had to ask for your guys' advice because i feel definitely lost. i feel like *** about the thought that he would be forced to go back to the place he had wanted to get out of for a long time. feeling like *** about all of this is an understatement.
> 
> the thing is, i think we both deserve to be independent. we've been relying on each other for 6 years now and i think he knows it too, we both just don't have the guts to verbally say/end it.


You made the right call by moving to a new place (city). 

You have given your relationship much time and a fair shot to blossom as well. 

You have helped your BF to move out from a place where he wasn't comfortable (refer back to your point # 2). This is more like a FAVOR to him. 

I understand that your decision to part ways with your BF will be HARD on you (and him).

But you need to do "something" to move forward from here. You will have to TOUGHEN UP and be honest with him.

You may commence talks with your BF on these lines:

(In a polite tone)_ "I have done everything for you to stand up on your feet and start over. I have HELPED you to move to a new place in this respect. Now is the time for you to decide *HOW* you will LIVE your life because this is IMPORTANT for YOU in the end. 

I desire much-needed change in my life on the other hand. I want to create my own family unit at some point but I can do this with a man who can be a role-model father to his children. You are a long way off in this respect and my time is precious."_

I cannot predict his reaction to you in light of the above. He might tear-up and promise to change _*but*_ you should tell him that he cannot do this while staying with you. Be firm and tell him to MOVE OUT from your house and find a "room on rent" in this city and explore his prospects in this place. This would be his 1st step towards changing his ways. Insist on this "separation."

IF he requests you to give him some days to move out from your house then accept this request on friendly grounds *but* give him 15 days maximum. Do not sleep with him and do not compromise on this deadline.

Point is to remove him from your house and change locks.

TOUGH on him but he will NOT change otherwise.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Cheating and "good guy" does not go together. He has failed the 'bare minimum'

Neither does threatening to take your dog away so you won't leave him WTF?!


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

meggyb said:


> My boyfriend (34) and I (29) have been together for 6 years now. We recently moved in together (about 8 months ago).
> 
> When I told you he was a good guy, I meant it. Well, he does the bare minimum, at least — doesn't cheat on me, makes me feel loved & appreciated, etc. Now, here's the part where I tell you what the deal-breaker has been for me...
> 
> ...


Give him an 6 month ultimatum, get fit or else.
If you don't have burning desire for him, leave.
M ever settle, divorce is high cuz both male and female don't have BURNING DESIRE. THEY BETA OUT.


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## kimduhan (Feb 19, 2019)

my girlfriend said that her ex was so good and sweety so she was bored with him


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## meggyb (6 mo ago)

hey guys, thank you to all who participated in this thread, i appreciate you. this will probably be my last update as i want to heal...

we called it quits yesterday. at first he understood why i wanted out. i want to believe it was the healthiest breakup conversation ever. there was no shouting, demeaning remarks, and contempt. just crying and hugging. but then he woke up today feeling angry — i guess he has been contemplating. he told me that i could've discussed the situation with him and we would've done something to make things right. 

the thing is, i had brought up the issue a couple of times before, but we would always fall back on our current situation-ship. i told him that my decision is final and that we both need to work on ourselves and that it is impossible to do that if we were together. he was trying to save our relationship through the promises of "changing for the better."

I'm just so heartbroken right now. i love him, but i guess i love myself more this time. i want something more for myself and the fact that i just cannot see myself giving in sexually is probably enough for me to really go through with the breakup. i made it clear that i didn't want to be unfair to him any longer. i know he's going to be okay — he has a bunch of supportive friends and family, i have no one... i literally have no one (my friends are far and i don't have any family in the new city)... which i think is making it even harder for me to think about finally breaking things off. the good thing is, he promised not to take our dog. 

I've been with him for 6 years and all those years he never once made me feel alone. i feel selfish right now for breaking his heart, but i can't let him go through this thing any longer. i feel bad that he couldn't sleep or eat. this heavy feeling in my chest will probably grow in the following days and weeks, but i really have to do this for myself.

he said he's moving out in 2 weeks...

again, thank you all so much for helping me sort of come up with a decision. i have intense mental issues that i have to deal with alongside the heartbreak so there's that. thank you all again and please wish me luck.


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## Mrs.Sav (Mar 13, 2014)

I wholeheartedly agree with Legendary Man. It seems OP has lost feelings/attraction/love for her BF and that is why his habits are now bothering her.

OP, you have been with him for 6 years and correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty certain he was already smoking and eating the same foods when you started dating him. He didn’t suddenly develop these habits correct? Also, the lack of sex for a year; Did either of you try to initiate sex and continually got shot down? If you’re not feeling it, that’s understandable and there’s nothing anyone can do about that. But the way this whole thing went down and the reasons you gave sound more like excuses to get out of the relationship.

ETA: I just read your update. I wish you healing. Please don’t date anyone until you are whole again.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

meggyb said:


> hey guys, thank you to all who participated in this thread, i appreciate you. this will probably be my last update as i want to heal...
> 
> we called it quits yesterday. at first he understood why i wanted out. i want to believe it was the healthiest breakup conversation ever. there was no shouting, demeaning remarks, and contempt. just crying and hugging. but then he woke up today feeling angry — i guess he has been contemplating. he told me that i could've discussed the situation with him and we would've done something to make things right.
> 
> ...


Nope, once someone gets to a certain age they usually don’t change or it’s temporary and they revert back.
I don’t watch Disney movies.😂


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

meggyb said:


> hey guys, thank you to all who participated in this thread, i appreciate you. this will probably be my last update as i want to heal...
> 
> we called it quits yesterday. at first he understood why i wanted out. i want to believe it was the healthiest breakup conversation ever. there was no shouting, demeaning remarks, and contempt. just crying and hugging. but then he woke up today feeling angry — i guess he has been contemplating. he told me that i could've discussed the situation with him and we would've done something to make things right.
> 
> ...


All the best, remember, you can't go back to how it was. Eyes ahead, not back. 
There is always light at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes, you only see the light once you come out the other end.

Breakups are never easy, but it is part of life, and you will heal, both of you.


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