# What can I do? Am I wrong?



## Rich1988 (May 6, 2017)

Hi all,
So I'm not a big one for sharing but I guess I can't take it anymore so here I am to offload the problems of my marriage off on the internet. Thanks for reading.

So I'm 28, my wife is 27 and we've been married 3 years (together for 6). We have no kids (I'll get to that later), decent jobs, a home and we probably eat too well so lots to be grateful for I agree. I love my wife so much, I really do. She's been a rock for me over the years through health problems and seeing her always brightens my day. But, fundamentally my wife is selfish and this is becoming more and more of a problem every day. 

Just one thing I want to note. My wife has mild depression on and off. Who doesn't right but she is receiving treatment. Just so you have the full picture. So my problems lie in a few sections so I'll just break them down point by point.

Household: So I'm self employed and work less traditional hours so I've always looked after the home like a proper modern man. It used to be my wife would help me clean the house and stuff like that. We'd split the load which I think is only fair as she works too. Cooking and smaller everyday stuff I'd do quite willingly. But as time has gone on she's helped less and less. I've always liked things clean, nothing too major but just neat. She's not as bothered but used to make an effort. Now no such luck. We'll split the cleaning and I'll do my share. "Can I do it tonight?" she'll ask. "Sure" I'll say but next day it isn't done. I'll leave it a couple of days and do it myself. It's obvious I've done it but either she doesn't care, doesn't notice or is too embarrassed to say anything. Worse yet, now she pretty much asks me not to clean at all because it makes her feel bad but rather than do anything herself she just gets angry at me that I don't want to live in squalor. Now it seems I've just had to give up and do it myself, just as my work is getting busier and I'm out as much as her. 

Weight/Health: So my wife has always been on the larger side on and off. I've seen her all sizes, from skinny to massive and I do love her and I do find her attractive still (she has the prettiest eyes and the cutest smile). Of course I'd prefer her to be a perfect weight, not just for my own gaze but her health as well. She's never had the greatest diet, although its gotten much better over the years since I've been cooking for her but when she's at work I'm guessing she's eating junk food. When I'm not around she either makes no effort to eat or just get's takeaway. Even if I've left her food she can be so fussy about things (like a child) she leaves it and get's rubbish. 
She has an office job and spends her day behind a desk. The bus she takes stops at the end of our road and stops directly outside her office so she's not moving all day. I have health issues that leave me less physical than I would like but I still try to get her to exercise with me. I try to take her for walks, get her to do the hot yoga I do with me and we even bought her an expensive bike so she could cycle to work (her idea) which is now an ornament in the corner after maybe two weeks. 
She doesn't take good care of her appearance. She never has worn makeup (I don't mind that too much, it's her choice), her clothes are sweatpants and ugly t-shirts. We'll be going out for a date and I'm dressed up to take her somewhere fancy and she's dressed like a homeless person. She can see I've made an effort but doesn't think to bother herself. She's always been a bit like this but like everything else on this list it's getting worse and worse. Sometimes I even have to nag for her to wash herself or brush her teeth like she's six. She treats it like a joke and says I'm like her mum.
It's now getting to the point where I'm getting concerned about her health.

Sex: If I'm lucky I maybe get sex once a week. For some of you that's a dream come true and I'm sorry if I sound like I'm moaning about nothing. But this sex always seems to her more like an obligation that out of any desire which means I'm left completely empty from it. I ALWAYS have to make the first move, I have to spend hours getting her in the mood for it and if it does materialise into something (sometimes it's hard to tell she's so lifeless) then I have to do all the work. I try to make it good for her, I try to focus on her pleasure any way I can but she doesn't seem to care to much about herself with these things. I do think she's beautiful and I mean it. I tell her every day, focusing on a specific thing. 
Now I do have a high sex drive, I'll admit it but I'd settle for just the occasional romp where I feel wanted. Getting jumped on when I get home, a bit of focus on my needs that I don't need to ask for. It leaves me feeling less attractive (even though she says she is attracted to me still and I do my best to keep in shape with the limited energy I have). 
I was away on a business trip, having a bad day with some friends of mine letting me down and I was feeling low. I text her, told her about it and how much I missed her and how I wish she was there to cheer me up *hint hint nudge nudge* I get some lame response of "Haha, that made me blush, but you know I can't talk dirty". I didn't say anything, just the usual it's ok, I love you and went off feeling worse than I had before. 
All I ask is a bit of effort, a bit less selfishness.
I'm so ashamed to admit this but recently I've started going on chat sites to get some form of intimacy. It's pathetic and i feel ashamed but it's the only way I feel anything these days.

Kids: So I've never made any secret that I want kids. I love kids. I would have had them early if I could have afforded them back then. My wife always said she wanted children too, although she's never been keen on other people's but who is? Now our friends are having children of their own and the conversation has become more serious. My wife always said she wanted kids but now it's not so sure. Some days she'll say she really doesn't want kids, can't handle the responsibility or loss of freedom. Other days she says I picked out this nice name for if we have a little girl. I ask her every so often, does she really want kids. I make sure she knows it's ok, I'd understand and I'd still love her and never leave her because of it. I'd learn to live without kids. Of course, she can't outright say no. I've asked her to be honest about it, that it's cruel to keep saying one day if that day will never come but apparently it will. I just don't want to be some old parent who can't even play with their child. 

Mood: A lot of time, more and more I've become an emotional punching bad. Any small disagreement is taken as a personal slight against her, even something as banal as I didn't like a movie and she did. This leads to some disagreements, never heated arguments but just enough that I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I can always tell when something's wrong with her and I make sure to ask but she either says, "nothing's wrong" "I don't want to talk about it" or "I don't know what's wrong?" Again I know it's the depression but how can I help her if she won't let me?

Now all of the above I know is down to her depression, I'm not stupid. I've told her over and over how I feel about all these things. I know it's important to communicate and when it gets too much for me I make sure to let her know how I feel. She'll cry, say she knows how selfish she's been and vows to try harder. I might get some immediate sex, she'll start looking at diets and maybe cycle to work the next day. Within a week though she's starting to slack and within two we're back to her normal, lazy, selfish self and I carry on until my next breakdown. She says she loves me, that I'm the one good thing in her life and I'm the best husband ever. I honestly hope that's true, I feel terrible. 

My wife is seeing a counsellor, which is great. I know she needs it and I know it will be a long road to recovery. I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to keep the wheels on the bus so to speak and pick up the slack but I'm starting to feel her selfishness and poor mental health is negatively affecting me and making me a person I don't want to be. Maybe I'm being cruel, maybe I'm being so unfair and by God if I am and it's all my fault tell me and at least I'll know because right now I feel trapped and tortured.

Thank you so much for reading this essay, feels better even just to type this down.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you involved in her counseling at all? I think that it would be a good idea if you talked to her counselor and told the counselor what you said here. My bet is that your wife is not telling the entire truth. Sounds like she is far more depressed then her treatment is taking into account.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

wARNING:
If you keep up this chatting stuff with other women, you will lose feelings for your wife as you develop them with someone else.
Feed the good wolf, my friend.

Your wife has problems. Everyone does.

She is taking the easy way all the time, it's not good for her or you.

I do not know how to tell you to fix her, but I do think exercise is a key factor in mental health as well as physical. But your wife has to be self motivated.

It's amazing omg how women can slim down and exercise when they divorce their husband!

I feel totally helpless to suggest how to help you help her.

I do think you love her, just feeling neglected. You are being neglected. I don't know how to get her to see it, though.


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## Rich1988 (May 6, 2017)

Thanks. So far I've not been invited to be a part of her counselling. I've let her keep that part of things private because she probably doesn't need me interjecting my unprofessional opinion on things. That's not to say I wouldn't like to be a part of the solution.


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## Rich1988 (May 6, 2017)

And I agree with everything you say EvinRude. Just how to get her to that mental point, and to be honest other of her health that's what I care about. I've tried to encourage, support, provide solutions, take part in and been blunt over the years and no method takes for any more than a couple of weeks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The way you describe your wife, she is a woman who probably should not have children. She can hardly hold herself together. Until she can beat this depression, it sounds like there is no way she could handle a child.

Have you considered marriage counseling so that you have a place where you can talk with her about a lot of these concerns?


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## Rich1988 (May 6, 2017)

EleGirl, I've been thinking the same way for a while. I just wish she'd outright say she doesn't want kids rather than dangling the hope in front of me. 
I just worry with marriage counselling it will be another thing on her plate to worry about. I just want her to get better, even if I have to suffer for it for now. Of course I'd rather now have to though. I want my wife back


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rich1988 said:


> EleGirl, I've been thinking the same way for a while. I just wish she'd outright say she doesn't want kids rather than dangling the hope in front of me.
> 
> I just worry with marriage counselling it will be another thing on her plate to worry about. I just want her to get better, even if I have to suffer for it for now. Of course I'd rather now have to though. I want my wife back


You are suffering does not help her get better. She has to learn to live in the real world. And in the real world she has a husband who has needs.

I was married to a man who fell into a deep depression. Nothing seemed to work to fix it. 10 years after the onset of the depression I divorced him. Do you know what worked to get him to snap out of most of the depression? Me divorcing him.

Often times, when a person is depressed they wollow in the depression. They are put on drugs that do not really help them. They go to counselors who are enjoying the income stream. And so the depression continues on and on.

If the meds have not helped her out of the deperession, then she’s on the wrong meds. Talk to her about this.

Depression makes people very self focused (selfish?) . It’s like they hyper focus on their own emotional turmoil and ignore everyone else. If here is one thing that your wife needs, it’s to realize that she has responsibilities outside of herself.

You are already starting the path to leaving her. Yoru chatting with other women online is one of the early steps. If your wife cannot/will-not meet your needs, you are going to seek them elsewhere. You have already started.

I think it is only fair to let her know what your needs are and that she needs to pay attention to meeting your needs. To not do this is cruel on your part, actually. If you don't clearly tell her what you have said here, then you are not being honest to her and you have no right to hold any grudge against her for it.

There are two books that I think would help you talk to her about your needs and what she should be doing: “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”

The idea is for both of you to read the books and do the work that they say to do.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Is it marriage counseling? Or a psychologist/psychiatrist specifically for her?

My wife had counseling specifically for her, for 8 years. I was invited to two sessions during the 8 years.


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## Rich1988 (May 6, 2017)

Thank you for your recommendations EleGirl. I'll check out the books. I'm not ready to quit on her yet. Despite it all I love her just as much as the day i met her. Guess that's why it hurts so much.
WilliamM. The counselling is just for her right now. According to her I'm the one part of her life not going down the toilet. I do hope that's true.i guess I've been hoping that once she gets other aspects of her life in balance it might help with me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'll throw out there that I never cared for kids, but the moment I saw my older son my world flipped. 

He smiled and we bonded instantly.

Then i had another son and we bonded right away. 

They're 13 and 16 now and we're very close..... awesome guys. They come to me to discuss things a lot.

Hard to imagine there was a time I didn't care for kids.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The two sessions of my wife's counseling I was invited to were not for me to speak. I was there just to listen. That was the stated rule. I could respond with short affirmations regarding what I was told, like yes or no, and that's it.

She had 3 shrinks over that time frame. Mary told me, in no uncertain terms, they did not want to hear anything about her from me. I'm sure my wife would have felt it a breach of trust if I had spoken with her shrinks about her.

Good Luck


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You are suffering does not help her get better. She has to learn to live in the real world. And in the real world she has a husband who has needs.
> 
> I was married to a man who fell into a deep depression. Nothing seemed to work to fix it. 10 years after the onset of the depression I divorced him. Do you know what worked to get him to snap out of most of the depression? Me divorcing him.
> 
> ...


I think this is extremely accuarate and good counsel.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

A husband and wife should be there to help one another, but not be enslaved by the other.

If you get to the point after years of effort and she has made no progress, I think it's fair for you call it quits. 

But you've got to stop coddling her and enabling her and tell her exactly what it is you need from her. If she's not adult enough to handle any kind of stress whatsoever, what you already have is a child. What's her diagnosis?
Depression? Once she has to start getting off her rear and taking care of herself instead of you doing everything for her, she likely won't ha e time to be depressed.
She sounds like the kind of person that won't self correct until a bomb explodes in her life.

Honestly, thus might be the rare case where a separation might help. But you'd have to be the kind of person that can handle things in your own without needing attention from other women. After 6 months apart, you might have a different wife. Maybe that could be something to consider while you still love her. I worry that this resentment is going to build until it overcomes the live you have for her. A wake up call may be what's needed here. 
You should be using something for birth control. Badly.


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## Rich1988 (May 6, 2017)

Thank you everyone.


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

It's eerie how much your wife sounds like my step daughter. Who ranges between aspergers and narcissism. And ADHD. The lack of self care, laziness (doing the bare minimum) and overall lack of social cues as to what others are doing. Anxiety and depression are common as well


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rich1988 said:


> Thank you for your recommendations EleGirl. I'll check out the books. I'm not ready to quit on her yet. Despite it all I love her just as much as the day i met her. Guess that's why it hurts so much.


Before you read those books, read this one. 

Your problem isn't that your wife doesn't understand your needs.

Your problem is that your wife has NO WORRIES that you will ever stop meeting HER needs. You have become invisible to her.

The book I linked will teach you why this is happening and what to do about it.

Once you wake her up to the fact that you are unhappy, THEN get those two books and read them with her.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Everyone is pretty much spot on here. 

You're expecting change to come from a person who does not wish to change. If she did, she would. It's that simple. Depression is like having your feet in cement and intentionally pouring more on. The only person who can successfully chisel herself out is her.

Absolutely please rethink children with THIS woman. She is in no way ready, and I don't just mean for motherhood in general. It doesn't mean she'll never be ready, but she has a lot of work to do and you may not be so keen on waiting for her. 

You are still pretty young yet, but don't squander your good parenting years if it is REALLY important for you to be a younger dad. Never compromise on those things that are truly important to you. Compromise on the things less important.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Rich1988 your wife probably does not suffer from a mild depression.

I think it is likely that she suffers from a severe depression and other mental health issues which seem to be going untreated at the moment.

I would suggest a psychiatric assessment not a psychological one.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

28yrs old only married 3yrs.

Best thing for both of you is divorce.


Good luck


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Rich1988 said:


> Hi all,
> So I'm not a big one for sharing but I guess I can't take it anymore so here I am to offload the problems of my marriage off on the internet. Thanks for reading.
> 
> So I'm 28, my wife is 27 and we've been married 3 years (together for 6). We have no kids (I'll get to that later), decent jobs, a home and we probably eat too well so lots to be grateful for I agree. I love my wife so much, I really do.* She's been a rock for me over the years through health problems *and seeing her always brightens my day. But, fundamentally my wife is selfish and this is becoming more and more of a problem every day.


What were your health problems? How was she a rock for you?



> Just one thing I want to note. My wife has mild depression on and off. Who doesn't right but she is receiving treatment. Just so you have the full picture. So my problems lie in a few sections so I'll just break them down point by point.
> 
> Household:* So I'm self employed and work less traditional hours *so I've always looked after the home like a proper modern man. It used to be my wife would help me clean the house and stuff like that. We'd split the load which I think is only fair as she works too. Cooking and smaller everyday stuff I'd do quite willingly. But as time has gone on she's helped less and less. *I've always liked things clean, *nothing too major but just neat. She's not as bothered but used to make an effort. Now no such luck. We'll split the cleaning and I'll do my share. "Can I do it tonight?" she'll ask. "Sure" I'll say but next day it isn't done. I'll leave it a couple of days and do it myself. It's obvious I've done it but either she doesn't care, doesn't notice or is too embarrassed to say anything. Worse yet, now she pretty much asks me not to clean at all because it makes her feel bad but rather than do anything herself she just gets angry at me that I don't want to live in squalor. Now it seems I've just had to give up and do it myself, just as my work is getting busier and I'm out as much as her.


Are you deciding unilaterally what the standards for cleanliness are? Does she feel she has a voice in setting household standards? Or does she feel guilted into accepting yours?

Now that you are getting busier, how about relaxing the standards to something more manageable for both of you?



> Weight/Health: So my wife has always been on the larger side on and off. I've seen her all sizes, from skinny to massive and I do love her and I do find her attractive still (she has the prettiest eyes and the cutest smile). Of course I'd prefer her to be a perfect weight, not just for my own gaze but her health as well. She's never had the greatest diet, although its gotten much better over the years since I've been cooking for her but when she's at work I'm guessing she's eating junk food. When I'm not around she either makes no effort to eat or just get's takeaway. Even if I've left her food she can be so fussy about things (like a child) she leaves it and get's rubbish.
> She has an office job and spends her day behind a desk. The bus she takes stops at the end of our road and stops directly outside her office so she's not moving all day. *I have health issues that leave me less physical than I would like but I still try to get her to exercise with me. *I try to take her for walks, get her to do the hot yoga I do with me and we even bought her an expensive bike so she could cycle to work (her idea) which is now an ornament in the corner after maybe two weeks.
> She doesn't take good care of her appearance. She never has worn makeup (I don't mind that too much, it's her choice), her clothes are sweatpants and ugly t-shirts. We'll be going out for a date and *I'm dressed up to take her somewhere fancy and she's dressed like a homeless person.* She can see I've made an effort but doesn't think to bother herself. She's always been a bit like this but like everything else on this list it's getting worse and worse. Sometimes I even have to nag for her to wash herself or brush her teeth like she's six. She treats it like a joke and says I'm like her mum.
> It's now getting to the point where I'm getting concerned about her health.


She likely feels your judgment, OP. That may be contributing to her depression.



> Sex: If I'm lucky I maybe get sex once a week. For some of you that's a dream come true and I'm sorry if I sound like I'm moaning about nothing. But this sex always seems to her more like an obligation that out of any desire which means I'm left completely empty from it. I ALWAYS have to make the first move, I have to spend hours getting her in the mood for it and if it does materialise into something (sometimes it's hard to tell she's so lifeless) then I have to do all the work. I try to make it good for her, I try to focus on her pleasure any way I can but she doesn't seem to care to much about herself with these things. I do think she's beautiful and I mean it. I tell her every day, focusing on a specific thing.
> Now I do have a high sex drive, I'll admit it but I'd settle for just the occasional romp where I feel wanted. Getting jumped on when I get home, a bit of focus on my needs that I don't need to ask for. It leaves me feeling less attractive (even though she says she is attracted to me still and I do my best to keep in shape with the limited energy I have).
> I was away on a business trip, having a bad day with some friends of mine letting me down and I was feeling low. I text her, told her about it and how much I missed her and how I wish she was there to cheer me up *hint hint nudge nudge* I get some lame response of "Haha, that made me blush, but you know I can't talk dirty". I didn't say anything, just the usual it's ok, I love you and went off feeling worse than I had before.


So sex is all about meeting the standard you have (once again) decided on for both of you?



> All I ask is a bit of effort, a bit less selfishness.
> I'm so ashamed to admit this but recently *I've started going on chat sites to get some form of intimacy*. It's pathetic and i feel ashamed but it's the only way I feel anything these days.


So now you are cheating on her. But it's okay because at least you are "feeling something"?

TAM usually goes wild over that stuff. But almost nothing has been said to you. Interesting.



> Kids: So I've never made any secret that I want kids. I love kids. I would have had them early if I could have afforded them back then. My wife always said she wanted children too, although she's never been keen on other people's but who is? Now our friends are having children of their own and the conversation has become more serious. *My wife always said she wanted kids but now it's not so sure.* Some days she'll say she really doesn't want kids, can't handle the responsibility or loss of freedom. Other days she says I picked out this nice name for if we have a little girl. I ask her every so often, does she really want kids. I make sure she knows it's ok, I'd understand and I'd still love her and never leave her because of it. I'd learn to live without kids. Of course, she can't outright say no. I've asked her to be honest about it, that it's cruel to keep saying one day if that day will never come but apparently it will. *I just don't want to be some old parent who can't even play with their child. *


Yep, it's all about you.

I am seeing a pattern. Who is the selfish person here, again?



> Mood: A lot of time, more and more I've become an emotional punching bad. Any small disagreement is taken as a personal slight against her, even something as banal as I didn't like a movie and she did. This leads to some disagreements, never heated arguments but just enough that *I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells*. I can always tell when something's wrong with her and I make sure to ask but she either says, "nothing's wrong" "I don't want to talk about it" or "I don't know what's wrong?" Again I know it's the depression but how can I help her if she won't let me?


I bet the bolded is how she feels, too.



> Now all of the above I know is down to her depression, I'm not stupid. I've told her over and over how I feel about all these things. I know it's important to communicate and when it gets too much for me *I make sure to let her know how I feel*. She'll cry, say she knows how selfish she's been and vows to try harder. I might get some immediate sex, she'll start looking at diets and maybe cycle to work the next day. Within a week though she's starting to slack and within two we're back to her normal, lazy, selfish self and I carry on until my next breakdown. She says she loves me, that I'm the one good thing in her life and I'm the best husband ever. I honestly hope that's true, I feel terrible.


How about taking the focus off yourself, and trying to understand how *she* feels?



> My wife is seeing a counsellor, which is great. I know she needs it and I know it will be a long road to recovery. I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to keep the wheels on the bus so to speak and pick up the slack but I'm starting to feel her selfishness and poor mental health is negatively affecting me and making me a person I don't want to be. Maybe I'm being cruel, maybe I'm being so unfair and by God* if I am and it's all my fault tell me *and at least I'll know because right now I feel trapped and tortured.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this essay, feels better even just to type this down.


I am certainly trying to be honest with you. 

I can only imagine how judged this poor woman feels. I would not be surprised if divorcing you would go a long way towards lifting her depression. 

And that may be what her counselor is telling her, too. And why she likely feels conflicted.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This is in reply to JLDs post above. Why is it that your own husband could decide and state he wanted children, he wanted you home with them, and he wanted you to breastfeed them!!, but because this OP has wishes of his wife you label him as SELFISH??


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Livvie said:


> This is in reply to JLDs post above. Why is it that your own husband could decide and state he wanted children, he wanted you home with them, and he wanted you to breastfeed them!!, but because this OP has wishes of his wife you label him as SELFISH??


I did not have to agree, Livvie. I was not forced to marry him.

And if I had declined, Dug surely would have been open to negotiation. He really wanted to be with me.


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## Megumi (May 7, 2017)

hello everyone,
Me and my husband just got married after 9 years in relationship, we always far from each other but every moment if he had vacant he always texted me and called me. We have children and im now pregnant for almost 6months. We had fight in phone because he is far from us. i usually blocked him and not talk to him everytime we having a fight but after a 2-3 days we reconcile. but this this time, he blocked me after a 4 days of fighting for the first time but just for 1 day. So i called and called him and texted him to reconcile and maybe im too much thats why he explode but he said he don't want to talk to me yet because he is scared at me but the love is still there. Then he never answered my many calls and text. So, My feeling is so depressed and I'm thinking maybe he had another woman that's why he ignored all my call and text which he didn't did it before. So, i push myself to move a little and stop calling and texting him for a week, then I received a call from him but he didn't answer and he off the call. its was 5 calls he did, so i decided to call him, maybe because he is ok now but he's he hesitate to talk yet. but again for several calls and text he didn't answer one. And again the called me twice in the next day (3am and 6am). What does it means? He really going to break up with me? what shall i do?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

jld said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > This is in reply to JLDs post above. Why is it that your own husband could decide and state he wanted children, he wanted you home with them, and he wanted you to breastfeed them!!, but because this OP has wishes of his wife you label him as SELFISH??
> ...


And OPs wife doesn't need to agree, either, but you are calling him selfish just for wanting things in his life (like kids).


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Livvie said:


> And OPs wife doesn't need to agree, either, but you are calling him selfish just for wanting things in his life (like kids).


That is what he called her, Livvie. That shoe can fit his foot, too.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

We are only hearing one side, but somehow the side of the male poster is shredded.

The OP said he was not doing that stuff anymore, and knew it was wrong. Was warned about that as well. 
We all know that "chatting" with other women is complete bulk**** on op's part.
He has made very clear that he has legitimate complaints which she fails to address. 
I try to look for clues about what is written to see the other side.
I don't think he's all in the wrong.

Who wants to be with a chronically depressed person who is dirty and no fun whatsoever, and isn't even into having sex at night?

He's got legit gripes. He doesn't sound selfish to me.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Sounds like depression, maybe some toxic shame, who knows. Either way, not healthy. 

OP, take this from someone someone who has a lot of experience dealing with people with issues...

You will need to learn the art of providing motivation. Better yet, learn to provide a sense of purpose, motivation, AND direction. 

In other words, learn to lead her. She is not capable of leading herself right now because she doesn't know what that looks like. If her relationship with you is the only real problem in her life and you are willing to tell her what she can do to fix it, then she either doesn't care to or doesnt know that she really can. 

I am kind of cynical on these forums. I have dealt with a lot of craziness and continue to deal with a lot of craziness. But, I know I can make things better by providing the motivation for people to change, the direction to guide them through change, and the reason for change. 

That and I have absolutely no problem doing something completely different. In other words, I have no problem with changing myself. Most people would sooner throw in the towel than change. They want their partners to change, but not themselves. 

You won't be able to change her without changing yourself. Change is as simple as doing something different until it is your habit. Easiest thing in the world to do, hardest thing in the world for people to believe.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This isn't about him having wandering eyes, folks. This is about his wife - for whatever reason, medical or purposeful - reneging on her marriage. And about how he can get her to understand that.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


turnera said:


> Before you read those books, read this one.
> 
> Your problem isn't that your wife doesn't understand your needs.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Also hit some weights to get your mind/mood right!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Megumi said:


> hello everyone,
> Me and my husband just got married after 9 years in relationship, we always far from each other but every moment if he had vacant he always texted me and called me. We have children and im now pregnant for almost 6months. We had fight in phone because he is far from us. i usually blocked him and not talk to him everytime we having a fight but after a 2-3 days we reconcile. but this this time, he blocked me after a 4 days of fighting for the first time but just for 1 day. So i called and called him and texted him to reconcile and maybe im too much thats why he explode but he said he don't want to talk to me yet because he is scared at me but the love is still there. Then he never answered my many calls and text. So, My feeling is so depressed and I'm thinking maybe he had another woman that's why he ignored all my call and text which he didn't did it before. So, i push myself to move a little and stop calling and texting him for a week, then I received a call from him but he didn't answer and he off the call. its was 5 calls he did, so i decided to call him, maybe because he is ok now but he's he hesitate to talk yet. but again for several calls and text he didn't answer one. And again the called me twice in the next day (3am and 6am). What does it means? He really going to break up with me? what shall i do?


Megumi, please start your own thread, so that people can find you and help you.


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## Megumi (May 7, 2017)

turnera said:


> Megumi, please start your own thread, so that people can find you and help you.




Yes, I already did, since I'm a new here I don't know where to start my thread. But it's ok now


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jetpilot37 (Jan 12, 2014)

Get the book "Stop walking on eggshells." Sounds very similar to my soon to be ex-wife's entire persona. Only I went through this for seven years for her to cheat in the end. Discovered that she more than likely has borderline personality disorder her. It's worth taking a look. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> We are only hearing one side, but *somehow the side of the male poster is shredded.*
> 
> The OP said he was not doing that stuff anymore, and knew it was wrong. Was warned about that as well.
> We all know that "chatting" with other women is complete bulk**** on op's part.
> ...


Flogging/blaming the husband as usual. 

I think its good that the wife here is in counseling, because she is the only one who can make the changes. I would suggest to give a time limit to yourself to see some efforts for real improvement, and go from there.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Rich1988 said:


> Thanks. So far I've not been invited to be a part of her counselling. I've let her keep that part of things private because she probably doesn't need me interjecting my unprofessional opinion on things. That's not to say I wouldn't like to be a part of the solution.


Rich, how well do you know your wife, and her childhood?

If you were asked 10 yes or no questions about her, do you think you could answer them? I'm guessing here, but I would be willing to bet that a lot of her behavior stems from her childhood...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> Rich, how well do you know your wife, and her childhood?
> 
> If you were asked 10 yes or no questions about her, do you think you could answer them? I'm guessing here, but I would be willing to bet that a lot of her behavior stems from her childhood...


Interesting that one of the 10 questions asks specifically about how the mother was treated when her child was growing up.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

jld said:


> Interesting that one of the 10 questions asks specifically about how the mother was treated when her child was growing up.


Yeah. I think you could rewrite it to either spouse. But the trope in the West is that women are battered and men batterers.

I'm curious, JLD, what was your score, if you're willing to share? The ACE's study was an eye-opening thing to me. It's amazing how much childhood experiences can affect us even late in life.

I may start a thread on it sometime. Not sure where I should place it, or how I'd want to word it though...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> Yeah. I think you could rewrite it to either spouse. But the trope in the West is that women are battered and men batterers.
> 
> I'm curious, JLD, what was your score, if you're willing to share? The ACE's study was an eye-opening thing to me. It's amazing how much childhood experiences can affect us even late in life.
> 
> I may start a thread on it sometime. Not sure where I should place it, or how I'd want to word it though...


I don't feel comfortable sharing, but thank you for the link.

I do believe there is a reason they focused specifically on the mother.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

turnera said:


> Before you read those books, read this one.
> 
> Your problem isn't that your wife doesn't understand your needs.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

> I'm so ashamed to admit this but recently I've started going on chat sites to get some form of intimacy. It's pathetic and i feel ashamed but it's the only way I feel anything these days.


Rich your questions are what can you do and are you wrong? Yes, you are wrong to be cheating on your wife through online intimate relationships on chatting websites. How would you feel if you found out that your wife was doing this? What you can do is stop immediately and confess to your wife.

People start cheating for all kinds of reasons. While I understand you have valid complaints in your marriage, what has made it ok for you to become a cheater on your wife? If she is so lazy, fat, and depressed, choose to divorce her and THEN pursue other women. 

Once a person starts cheating, and are getting their intimate needs met elsewhere, it's amazing how fast their mates downfalls get amplified, to help excuse in their own mind their cheating. If you intend to work on your marriage, you need honesty. You must tell your wife what you have been doing. Then, if she is willing to forgive you, and you are willing to be faithful, you can work on the other issues that you posted about.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Spicy said:


> Rich your questions are what can you do and are you wrong? Yes, you are wrong to be cheating on your wife through online intimate relationships on chatting websites. How would you feel if you found out that your wife was doing this? What you can do is stop immediately and confess to your wife.
> 
> People start cheating for all kinds of reasons. While I understand you have valid complaints in your marriage, what has made it ok for you to become a cheater on your wife? If she is so lazy, fat, and depressed, choose to divorce her and THEN pursue other women.
> 
> Once a person starts cheating, and are getting their intimate needs met elsewhere, it's amazing how fast their mates downfalls get amplified, to help excuse in their own mind their cheating. If you intend to work on your marriage, you need honesty. You must tell your wife what you have been doing. Then, if she is willing to forgive you, and you are willing to be faithful, you can work on the other issues that you posted about.


Don't be a cheater. Be honest with your wife. Take her to a counselor for a neutral setting & tell her. "I need intimacy with a spouse who is present. We are either going to have a marriage or a divorce." If she wants to work on marriage then work on it. If she tells you to f off, you have your answer. You can file for divorce without all the baggage of being a cheater.


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