# Feeling undesired by my wife.



## Lone Ranger (Apr 15, 2012)

Hey everyone, first time posting on this forum so be gentle with me.

My problem seems to be pretty complex, atleast right now as I begin writing it all down. Hang in there with me, it could end up being a long read, we shall see.

So, I have a few issues regarding sex, or lack of, in my marriage. Jotting them down real quick, I get these;


Do not feel sexually desired.
Lack of oral sex reciprocation.
Sick of being the initiator.

These are the big 3, each has its own seperate factors which compound each issue into a huge mess.

Some background info before I start going into each point deeper. I am 24, my wife is 25. We met each other 7 years ago. We are both each others first GF / BF. We have been married for 10 days short of 4 years. We have a 7 month old son. Our son is our life, we tried for 2.5 years to get pregnant and towards the end had almost given up hope. During these times we were in strict sex regimes, every other day without fail. Sex became highly mechanical. This was too much sex for the both of us to get any connection / pleasure from. It wasn't sex to show feelings for one another, it was a job. I still vividly remember how great our first time after finding out we finally were pregnant and were having sex for feelings again, definately up there with our wedding night.

Now, the first point; I simply do not feel desired sexually by my wife.

She makes hardly any physical contact with me on a daily basis. Not even talking about sexual contact either, just vanilla physical contact. I always have to be the one to find her in the house and put my arms around her. She will accept this and return affection, but she rarely ever do it on her own. Even to the point that in bed I am always the big spoon, I am always expected to be the one putting the effort in. I have been gladly doing this, up untill the past couple months. Recently I am getting lazy keeping up with being physically affectionate. It is extremely emotionally tiring being the one making the effort day in, day out, for no return. Oh, I am not even talking about sexual return either. Would just like to feel some affection, any affection. Affection which I dont have to stimulate first.

This naturally has an impact of being sexual desired aswell. I feel like I was good enough to make a baby with, but that job is done and dusted and my usefullness has come to an end.

Second point; I literally have to ask in order to have oral favours returned to me.

I am not even exagerating when I say I go down on my wife. Every. Single. Time. I do it because I know she loves it, she has openly told me on many occassions that it is her favourite. Not sure if this is too much info or not, but my wife is very capable of multiple O's and she gets a good few before the main event even starts. Just to put things into context...

I dont give oral sex because I expect a return, I do it because I know my wife loves it. So why cant she feel the same way for me? Hey! I love oral sex too! I truely hate that I have to ask. I actually feel embarassed to ask for it. So much so that I simply have not bothered asking for it for the past 11 months. Guess how many times I have received in that time? Ofcourse, zero. Despite continuing to give my wife oral sex every time, without question and without her having to ask for it.

If you have not already seen, a trend is setting in here. It is starting to make me feel detatched and less likely to help her out in other areas. As I said above, it is emotionally draining.

Which brings me to my last main point, I am done being the initiator of everything.

Vanilla daily physical contact, or sexual contact. I am done being the initiator. I admit to recently not even bothering to go out of my way to touch / hold my wife.

I also feel emotionally pushed out and disconnected from my wife due to our son. Now, I truely can not express this enough, but although I feel this way, I harbour no resentment towards my son for this. Our son means everything to us, so I can understand how my wife has become the way she is. It is like she gets all her emotional needs taken care of by raising our son, that she has no time or feelings left for me. I ofcourse get a huge ammount of satisfaction and sense of pride for my son, this no doubt also feeds my need for emotional attatchment on a daily basis, but I am still (untill recently) making time for my wife as well.

All of the above, I have confronted my wife with. On atleast 3 seperate occasions. Each time, my wife is highly defensive and given time to think about it, the next day is also apologetic and keen to get things fixed. Its not like my wife is a witch or anything, she is an amazing person. However, even after aknowledging my concerns and agreeing to make efforts to fix them, nothing ever comes of it. Its always back to the same old same old.

This situation is driving me insane. I am not some sex maniac, I am one or twice a week guy. Like most men out there, I get a lot of my emotional needs taken care of with the closeness of sex, after each time there is a peroid where the general atmosphere and attitudes of both my wife and I are better. It is enough to notic. I am desperate to feel desired.

We have an exceptional marriage help service locally, which is partly ran through the local council. I work for the council and are eligible for free sessions, but I am embarrassed seeking advice for matters of this nature. So I come to you guys, any advice or kind words would be appreciated.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

I hear exactly what you are saying and could tick off the same three points of contention after 26 years of marriage. One thing I know for certain is that this will not get better unless it is actively managed. That manager will be you as you are the one who is looking for something different. The MMSL by Athol Kay gives actionable steps and frames out why he and she are acting as they are. I don't know if it leads me out of the wilderness but it is leading somewhere. Hang in there. Most of this is not some torture chamber she is trying to impose on you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

When you ask for oral sex, do you get it?

Have you tried cutting off her supply?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Have you talked to her about these issues? Communication is key.

As for initiation it could be that she might be "responsive desire" now, it's quite common for women and there's nothing wrong with it: Do You Understand Female Sexual Desire? | Psychology Today

Did a lot of her change start around the time of the child? If so it's also not unheard of, perhaps others can point you in the right direction if that's the case.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

7 months is pretty new as a mommy.

First babies are stressful and time consuming. By the 2nd, it's not as bad, at least it wasn't for me....it was more of a BTDT attitude.

Maybe she feels that mommies don't do those things. I had that weird thought for a while with my first.


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## Lone Ranger (Apr 15, 2012)

Hey guys, thanks for the replies.

When I ask for oral, it is probably about a 50% chance I will actually get it. This isnt those situations around the house, asking for casual random oral. This is asking directly after I have given oral, which I dont understand.

I have tried cutting off her supply. It has this effect, and I quote; "thats fine, you wont be getting any then." I have never lasted long, I find this really hard as it is something she clearly enjoys.

We have talked about this exact thing, atleast 3 times over the 2 years. This behaviour is not exclusive to the time during / after becoming a parent.

It hasn't always been this way. But it didnt change with the birth of my son, which is strange because that would make sense. I understand this is something the vast majority of new mothers go through.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

shes a taker.Not a giver.

society has conditioned many women to be this way.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

The problems are likely outside the bedroom. Sounds to me that something(s) have been bothering her for quite some time and she may even have some resentments. Have you tried talking to her in a loving voice asking if there are somethings that are really bothering her?

Another way to approach that, something that helped in my marriage is this: each of you writes down the things small or large (if she's not much of a writer have her just write down her top 10) complaints about the state of the marriage.

Each of you go over the other's list with an attitude of trying to listen and understand what the other is feeling/thinking (no being defensive or trying to explain things away). Then from there try and figure out some concrete steps you can take to fix some of those issues bit by bit. Take those things she tells you to heart and I suspect that over time you'll see a more loving attitude from your wife.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Im sorry to hear of your frustrations,

The rest of the relationship may seem perfect to you, but its possible it is not perfect to her. Something is missing. Either resentment on her part for many reasons, or her feelings for you have changed. 
Mommy mode is now on. 7 months is still very young.
Think of it this way, her job right now is to protect the child. 
If she doesnt feel complete trust in you that you will take care of her and the child, she wont allow herself to be vulnerable. In this situation, a mother might even shut out the husband and you might feel like she gives the baby all her love and attention, and time.

Why do you think she would do that.

Also have to ask if she is taking hormonal birth control.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Lone Ranger said:


> Hey guys, thanks for the replies.
> 
> When I ask for oral, it is probably about a 50% chance I will actually get it. This isnt those situations around the house, asking for casual random oral. This is asking directly after I have given oral, which I dont understand. I am a clean guy, I make sure especially before we do anything, so I dont think it is the issue of uncleanliness / smell.
> 
> ...


Hi Lone Ranger ~

Yes, it's the fact that she started to act like this even before the baby was born that is concerning. I am assuming that it began even before the pregnancy - perhaps when she was well into 'baby-making' mode? Some women become very, very focused on becoming and being a mommy that they totally ignore and neglect the other important part of themselves - that of being a wife.

The hormonal changes throughout pregnancy, after childbirth, and if she is breastfeeding, during lactation can often suppress a woman's desire to have sex. HOWEVER, a wife that is still plugged into being a "wife" will work with her husband (and he with her) during what can be a difficult time in the early years of having a new baby.

When you've had these conversations with her, do you mainly just discuss sex and what it is that you desire? Because it really needs to be framed in a wider context - that of the overall state of the marriage and the family. A healthy marriage for both partners equates to a healthy family life for both of you and your baby. Framing it in a discussion only about sex and what it is that you want will likely put her into a defensive position... and then you usually get nowhere. She needs to be drawn in a discussion in a positive way about the overall 'state of the union' and what approaches to make together to move forward.

If you frame it in this bigger context, what is her response?

Best wishes.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ranger,

Welcome to the club. I could have written your post.

You've gotten some great advice here and you should try the ones that seem best suited for you and your wife.

I will only add that you shouldn't let this go on for too long. I think that's where I made my mistake. We're 26 years into our marriage and things have not gotten better


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## Lone Ranger (Apr 15, 2012)

Wow, some very helpful people around. Done a lot of thinking at work and I might have been able to pin point when this started.


But before that, wanna share some more detailed background info about my wife and I.


I am an only child, my parents went through a very nasty divorce when I was around 4 years old. Old enough to remember, not old enough to understand. As a result this gave me a horrendously twisted view on relationships, right through my childhood well into my teens.

I promised myself that I would never get married. What was the point? I had seen first hand what people who loved each other could do to each other. Forever didnt mean forever. During my teens I took this to the extreme, never allowing myself to fall in love. I locked up a lot of emotion. I was highly volatile and if I am honest, looking back, I was just plain dangerous.

This all changed in a flash when I met my wife at work. I started to have feelings for her and for some reason, I let these through. About 10 months down the road, I was forced into asking my wife out by my boss, its a long story and not relivant so I wont go into it.

Within the first month, I knew something was different in myself. Cassie was the one, its cliche and overused I know. But when you have locked up yourself so tight like I had done for 13 years, belive me, it took a lot for me to feel anything. Boy did I feel this.

My wife is amazing, she listened to everything I told her about my childhood, she wasnt scared off. She put up with my outrageous mood swings for the first 6-7 months of our relationship. She pretty much fixed me, I owe her more than I can give.

We share a very close bond, its actually quite funny. Most people who meet us together and see how we are, tell us how jelous they are to see it.

My wife has some extreme self image issues. We were openly sleeping with each other months before I saw certain parts of her body. Showering with clothes on etc. I never pushed anything, I knew she needed time. I have always been very sensitive to this, I compliment her every single time I see her, even if I am just moving from my office to the kitchen and back. I also made a huge effort after childbirth to let her know that she still looks great, and no its just not something to be said, she really does look great. Made a big effort to let her know this. 

We both moved out of our parents houses and in together when I was 18, Cassie was 19 at the time. This was a huge step and we both found it scary. This is where our sex life really developed, we became quite a regular 2 times a week couple. I think thats a pretty average ammount, not completely sure, but anyway. It is a whole lot more then what we are having currently. We experimented a lot and found out we are both quite partial to non-vanilla activities but I will spare the gruesome details, just thought that was worth mentioning, actually think someone asked about this in the thread?

This brings us to what I was thinking about at work!

When we started to actively try and get pregnant, at first it was just a question of my wife stopping taking the pill. Kept up with our usual regular 2 a week thing, nothing different. The flavour was still there, we kept up with some of our more flavourful activities. This went on for about 6 months until we started to become slightly worried. My wife was on the pill for 3-4 years prior to this, and we both understood that it might take a while to get caught. But still, every month we would get increasingly worried after each negative test result.

Around about a year into actively trying, we approached the IVF clinic. We are very lucky to live in England where we were able to start getting treatment for free. We ended up not needed treatment but thats a bit further on...

Anyway, we were told by the clinic that they wouldnt start the treatment until a full year after trying specialist techniques and what have you. This devastated us. We were young, we were constantly getting told "dont worry, you have time on your side." HUGE ammount of bull**** in that statement, doesnt matter how young we were (21 and 22) we had already been trying for a full year before this, but whatever. We both became depressed from this for a while, we had gone to the clinic for help and they had basically told us we had to wait yet another year, but to keep trying what we were already doing!

I can mark this as the destroyer of our sex lives. This is when we started having purely mechanical sex. We were desperate to get pregnant, we begun having sex every other day. This was a strict regime. I dont know how to explain it... Sex is good right? Well this was relentless, and it was NOT good at all. We are both very passionate people, before all this, we were very clingy, very huggable type people. We were always touching each other. We would get a lot of comments about it infact, telling us to get a room etc.

I can see now that this is the turning point. I also think this is where my wife started to begin being selfish in bed.

Im not sure if this sounds weird or not, but ill try to express it as well as I can. We were told by the IVF clinic that orgasms really help the cervix to open up during sex, and that this in turn helps the entry of certain fluids (trying to be a civil as possible about this, sorry). Despite the mechanical sex, I was making damn sure my wife was getting plenty of orgasms. With it being mechanical, without zero actual feeling or passion, It was only a necessity that I finished, did not matter how I got there.

Writing this, I can say I am pretty certain this is where everything fell apart with regards to our sex lives.

This is already a fairly lengthy post so I will stop here.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Lone,

First and foremost, your child is still very young and is a huge demand on your wife's time so you need to keep that in mind for at least the next 12 months or so. Do you help out more since the birth?

Secondly, I know what you went through to have this child. My wife and I did too. We were having sex almost every night at one point and to be honest with you, at the age of 30 at the time, I needed a break! I never thought I'd actually say that but we were at it about a year!

Give her some time. help out some more. Take the baby to go visit grandparents or something so she can just rest


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Sounds like the passion sort of left the sexual part of you marriage. Are you a normally passionate guy, do you just feel you love for you wife swell up in your heart? Does she get to feel those feelings come out in the way you kiss, hug and look at her?

Find that passion you have for her, and don't make sex about any particular goal like orgasms. She may not even care. Make the goal of sex about expression your feelings for her, showing her your passion for her.

Make her feel loved in and out of the bedroom, and keep on loving her (it's going to take a while to warm her heart if she's feeling a bit distant/cold). Kiss her and hug her with passion w/o it leading to sex, and do that often. Do little things for her during the day here and there just because and don't seek her approval for it (she'll know you did it).


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## better husband (Apr 21, 2012)

I understand how you feel. I'm going thru something like you are.
Me & my wife have been married for 15 years. I'm always staring our sexual play too. I tried talking to her about how I feel about the lack of oral sex reciprocation, being the initiator & she always say that she is going to work on it but it the same thing. We don't spend enough time working on us as we have an 13 years old & 11 years old that taken alot of our time. Also money problems & work issue haven't help our problem. I am 38 & she is 40. I feel that if she doesn't care any more. Now I'm not saying that it all her fault as I know I play a roll in our problems but I feel that I'm the only one who is trying to solve them. I don't feel sexually desired anymore. Any suggestion would be very helpful.


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## dahling (Sep 26, 2011)

*Do not feel sexually desired.
_Most likely because she does not sexually desires you.
She doesn't want physical contact with you, she's not affectionate, and you even state you feel as if she's not getting anything emotionally fulfilled by you._

*Lack of oral sex reciprocation.
_So it's a lack of it or a lack of her no doing it without having to be asked._

*Sick of being the initiator.
_This is likely a good thing as she doesn't seem to want what you initiate and most likely find your initiations bothersome annoying and nagging._

My advice is to me it's probably best suited to find out why your partner doesn't want to have sex with you than regulate she reciprocates oral and initates more.



Lone Ranger said:


> This naturally has an impact of being sexual desired aswell. I feel like I was good enough to make a baby with, but that job is done and dusted and my usefullness has come to an end.


It seems:
You are good enough to make a baby with because she wanted a baby. 
You aren't good enough to have sex with because she doesn't want aka sexually desire you.

To me the sex is still the same with no to low connection or desire from her as going by your words seems there was no to low emotional/mental connection or sexual desire during the highly mechanical babymaking sex.

Or is the issue the amount and her showing her lack of desire not whether she genuinely wants to have sex or desires you? :scratchhead:



Lone Ranger said:


> Second point; I literally have to ask in order to have oral
> favours returned to me.


I see you say there's a 50% chance you'll get it. 

So is the issue you want a 100% or higher chance?

Or is the issue that you don't want to have to ask in order to get such as she should just know/do or be a mindreader?



Lone Ranger said:


> I dont give oral sex because I expect a return, I do it because I know my wife loves it.


I doubt that considering these lines:
_So why cant she feel the same way for me? 
Guess how many times I have received in that time? Ofcourse, zero. 
Despite continuing to give my wife oral sex every time, without question and without her having to ask for it._



Lone Ranger said:


> Which brings me to my last main point, I am done being the initiator of everything.


So along with being done with initiating everything why not try to find why your wife doesn't want what you initiate rather than argue about how she should or etc.


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## StormyCottonBoots25 (Apr 26, 2012)

Sounds like my husband's feelings! We have been together 13 years, married for 4. I have the lack of desire due to many reasons, both physical and emotional. Please don't expect your wife to just jump in the sack when you want it- big problem. She needs some warming up. If you only talk about you doing without instead of daily things that interest her, she will not be receptive to anything about you. Eventually this may destroy the marriage. Maybe try just holding her without any expectations so she can begin the process of relaxing and knowing that it's about mnore than sex and problems. Help her help you.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Lone Ranger said:


> I have tried cutting off her supply. It has this effect, and I quote; "thats fine, you wont be getting any then."


*blinks* seriously? she _seriously_ said that?

Oh man, I don't even know where to start with this one. All I can say is, If this were me we'd have been having a discussion about divorce the following morning... a very serious and very immediate discussion... not some theoretical "maybe I might..." thing.

If Carol wanted to use sex as a weapon with me she'd find I abruptly had no interest in sex, her, or our marriage.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> Make her feel loved in and out of the bedroom, and keep on loving her (it's going to take a while to warm her heart if she's feeling a bit distant/cold). Kiss her and hug her with passion w/o it leading to sex, and do that often. Do little things for her during the day here and there just because and don't seek her approval for it (she'll know you did it).


I agree with the part about making her feel loved, with a caveat.
You need to do it in such a way where it is recognized and accepted as an exceptional gesture designed to restore trust and start a journey towards a mutually satisfying relationship.

What you do NOT want is to appear overly eager to serve her. That can lead to a dynamic where she starts seeing that sort of excessive service as the norm. IOW, she starts to think that she can and then expect that she will get premium service from you on a one-sided basis. Being a pushover is not a healthy relationship dynamic for sure.

I participate on the No More Mr. Nice Guy forum. I've recently become aware of a workshop entitled "All The Way In" - a course in relationship essentials. I understand a principle of this course to be that you should bring your best self to a relationship for six months. If by the end of those six months you are not getting the results you seek, it is time to consider moving on.


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