# Seriously considering an affair



## BicMarkit (Oct 30, 2012)

My husband and I have been together 14 yrs, married for 2. No kids. We are both our only partners/first loves. He works full-time, I'm a grad student. we've been going to counselling for a few months because I was concerned that we don't have sex very often (only 1x a month, and only if I initiate) He has stopped initiating completely. This has been going on for 5-6 years, since we've lived together.
When we talk about our problems, it's always me that needs to make the changes, he's already changed a lot and already 'suffered' and sacrificed enough. He is referring to the fact that Im still in school, aiming fro a degree that will get me a well-paid job.
His job is tiring and in some ways is a dead end. He told me the other day, he wants me to make 100,000 a year. (I currently dont have much of a salary, student grants only, and the job I will start with, I'll make probably 58-60 gs of I'm lucky.
So, their is a lot of resentment on his part, although he denies it. I approach him for sex, but I get denied at least 2x a month. I got rejected a lot by him, and I approach him minimally. 
In order to make up for his resentment, he expects me to cook, clean, and have children not long after grad school. He really wants the domesticated housewife kind of woman, but I'm a career kind of woman, not big on having children, and not overly a germophobe like he (he has high standards in my opinion) ..oh ya, he masturbates like every 2 to 3 days - he told me that he masturbates to arm candy - and this took him years to tell me because he wouldn't tell me what kind of porn he likes.
Writing this, I feel really sad, and it causes me to think of my male friend. I have a close friend that I've confided in, and my situation makes me want to proposition him for sex, but I feel that that is not really me, I never believed in cheating. But at the same time - I'm starving. I've told my husband that I would need to see another man if we weren't going to have sex more, and he just said nothing really, or I know. And that he is hurting too. 
I just feel he wants me to be someone I'm not, he's never happy with what I do for him (because he's always expecting things) and it's always me that needs 'fixing'. I can't take this! I'm considering that I may have to leave, and get a divorce.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

You will feel much better about yourself divorcing him than cheating on him.
I think you do care for him and you will not like what cheating does to you, your marriage, and him one day.

Being willing to divorce might wake him up.
Masturbating and then ignoring your wifes needs is lazy, selfish, and sounds like a dependancy.

Btw confiding in a close male friend about your marriage problems crosses a boundary, and your husband would be rightfully hurt by this. This is also how many affairs start.

I hope you can work this out, you sound like a decent person.

Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

5-6 years of this and the mc hasn't seemed to help. I think you should leave. He is using porn and masturbation to satisfy his sexual urges so that he can punish you by withholding sex. There is nothing physically wrong with him. Why is he angry with you? Why do you want to stay with someone who wants different things than you do? He wants a traditional wife who will also make 100k per year. He is going to expect you to bring home the bacon and fry it up too and he won't even give you sex more than 1x monthly? He resents you for trying to better yourself. That's not fair when the both of you will reap he benefits of your increased earning power. It's called being a supportive partner. He is not. 

Don't cheapen yourself by cheating. The male friend is likely laying the foundation to get in your pants. Don't trust him. I doubt he really cares about you anyway. 
There are no children. Get out while you can.


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## LearninAsWeGo (Oct 20, 2012)

Ayla said:


> ... The male friend is likely laying the foundation to get in your pants. Don't trust him. I doubt he really cares about you anyway...


That should be obvious.^^

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/58594-affair-prevention.html#post1152100*

...for the orig poster, are you sure your husband isn't seeing someone else in addition to the porn addiction? And don't put the blame squarely on him either... You're clearly in an emotional affair with your "male friend."

I'd just ask your husband point blank if there's someone else; he seems to be the fairly selfish type... and frankly, so do you. His likely affair answer will be "yes," and then you need to also explain your friendship and that yours and his both need to end so you can get back to sharing and focusing your romance and energy on one another. If he denies an affair and/or won't cut down on the porn, then yeah, it is time to think about divorce... but don't cheapen yourself by stooping to his level. Your male friend will be a decent lay only because you are desperate for sex, but then you'll soon regret it and realize your new relationship is based on bad values and dishonesty all around. It's better to take time for self growth and discovery, 'career woman.'

Oh, and next time, the counseling is needed *before *the nuptuals... discuss your personality tests, problem solving styles, strengths and weakness you bring to the partnership, and most importanatly long term plans and goals.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I know almost exactly how you feel. Please hold on as long as you can. Cheating with this male "friend" scares me. He's no friend if you think he's willing to do it.

Sexless marriages are complex torture so I wont lecture you. I will say that I agree that you will feel much better about yourself as a person if you end your marriage first.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You married a man you should not have marrried.
Now you want to ruin his life and make him feel like his parents got murdered. Do everyone a favro and get a divorce.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Decorum said:


> You will feel much better about yourself divorcing him than cheating on him.
> I think you do care for him and you will not like what cheating does to you, your marriage, and him one day.
> 
> Being willing to divorce might wake him up.
> ...


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DrDavidCOlsen (Oct 7, 2012)

Affairs never fix anything and in the end cause far more problems. The difficult work is non reactively define who you are, explain what you need without pursuing, and try to understand what is happening to your husband. By taking a clear position, and sticking with it, things will either get better or worse. Either way you will have clarity and then know what to do next. David Olsen, Ph.D, LMFT


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Well said Dr. Olsen,
This is "phone like".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## amandbaca (Oct 31, 2012)

This is also how many affairs start.


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