# Sleeping with someone else when separated..



## Tinkerbell24

If your husband/wife has been sleeping with other people while you have been separated would this be an issue for you? Would you still want to reconcile?. I haven't been with anyone else but my husband on the other hand has been with a few. No girlfriends just sex. And a whole lotta living it up  I don't know whether I can handle it to be honest and I would love to know everyone else's thoughts.


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## TBT

I think if I had a temporary separation with an eye on using the time to reflect on whether or not to continue in the marriage it would be nothing but a disservice to my partner and a waste of time if I spent the time running around partying and bopping everything in sight.I guess it would also depend on the reason for the separation.If it was for infidelity idk because I opted for divorce with no separation.Make the best decision for YOU based on reality,because you're the one who'll be living with it.Just remember like they say...actions speaking louder than words.Good luck.


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## dubbizle

I think once you seperate in the majority of cases[not all] you don't get back together later on so he might already see it as being as his wanting to move on.

Who wanted the seperation ? and how was you sex life,because if it was you that wanted the seperation this could be his way of revenge and if you did not have much sex it could also be revenge or his way of feeling wanted again.


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## arbitrator

My STBXW was sleeping with at least one of her out-of-town boyfriends even prior to my having been moved out of our house. It appears that it continued to go on with both of them even after the separation started.

She may not seem to have a problem with it, but I absolutely refuse to lower myself to her level as I have a far greater respect for the institution of marriage than she ever has. Unlike her, I will gladly wait until the ink on our divorce decree is fastly dried!


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## Tinkerbell24

dubbizle said:


> I think once you seperate in the majority of cases[not all] you don't get back together later on so he might already see it as being as his wanting to move on.
> 
> Who wanted the seperation ? and how was you sex life,because if it was you that wanted the seperation this could be his way of revenge and if you did not have much sex it could also be revenge or his way of feeling wanted again.


I left him. We had a very premature baby and we had to be 2 hours away from husband so we dealt with things separately and then I just wanted out from him. It's a very complicated situation (aren't they all?!) and he has since left the country and hasn't seen our daughter for months. When he finally rings (every 3 months if that) he tells me "not a day goes by that he doesn't think of me and A) and it's like REALLY?! hmmmm doing a bunk on your family and sleeping around tells a different story me thinks. I don't know what's going to happen TBH.


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## Lon

If it were a trial separation and one of the spouses uses that time to go have sex outside the marriage, it pretty much becomes a permanent separation, IMO.


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## hauntedsoul

I couldn't. I don't even want to think about it but I am sure my h s out doing just that. I would be surprised if he is not.


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## indiecat

Was that part of the agreement that you could see others?
Was he upfront about it, or did you find out through friends?
I would prolong the separation with him, sounds like he felt marriage was a bit of a jail for him. That can be a bad sign for future cheating.


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## Raffles

I'm separated and have been for 12 months next week. My H isn't sleeping with anyone else, and of course I'm not. He however does believe that he is entitled to, as we have discussed this very issue.. I don't agree, just because we r separated doesn't give them the right to do this. We r still married, in good times a bad.. In my book it's still b unfaithful and in my case unforgivable.


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## arbitrator

Raffles said:


> I'm separated and have been for 12 months next week. My H isn't sleeping with anyone else, and of course I'm not. He however does believe that he is entitled to, as we have discussed this very issue.. I don't agree, just because we r separated doesn't give them the right to do this. We r still married, in good times a bad.. In my book it's still b unfaithful and in my case unforgivable.


I'm in agreement with you that until the ink is fastly dried on the divorce decree that sleeping with someone else, even while separated, is deemed to be cheating. I disagree about it being "unforgivable" as God charges us to forgive those who offend our well being. But He doesn't say that we have to forget!

Your husband's entire mantra in this is richly governed by the term "cake-eating!" The only real reason, IMHO, that he likely isn't doing it yet is chiefly because that he's having some difficulty in finding anyone willing to lower their pants for him!


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## brokenman2012

i am now entering a separation with my wife, married almost 1 year ago. she says shes not happy, wants it over etc etc but wont divorce immediately. if i found out that she was seeing other people and then decided she wanted to try and make it work with me i would have some serious doubts about her motives and the kind of person she is. though i dont think she will be coming back.

although, since she wants it over i have no hesitation in going out and looking for a new girl to get on with my life. but, since its her choice if she tried it out with someone else and then came back i dont know if i would still want her. i dont understand my logic...do you?


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## cloudwithleggs

He has moved on, so should you, don't believe lies that are paraded as the truth.

He left you and your baby at the most difficult time, i have an estrange just like that he is a loser, you are not important to him and never will be, forget him, he has already.

Would you still want to reconcile? What do you think, NO!

My marriage was a farce, so i wouldn't consider it cheating sleeping with some one else, we have been separated for many years, i don't think i will worry about the ink drying on the divorce papers, when i can get it that is, because he is making it seriously difficult.


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## Thor

I think you are each entitled to your own definitions and ground rules. But having said that, you are within your rights to consider him having sex with someone else to be a permanent deal breaker.

I consider us married until the D is final. Any sex before then is an affair. If my wife and I were separated and she had sex with someone else, it would to me be unrecoverable for our marriage. It is entirely different than her having sex with another man before we met.

Just because your husband thinks it is ok to have sex while you are separated does not mean you have to agree it is ok.


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## arbitrator

Thor said:


> I think you are each entitled to your own definitions and ground rules. But having said that, you are within your rights to consider him having sex with someone else to be a permanent deal breaker.
> 
> I consider us married until the D is final. Any sex before then is an affair. If my wife and I were separated and she had sex with someone else, it would to me be unrecoverable for our marriage. It is entirely different than her having sex with another man before we met.
> 
> Just because your husband thinks it is ok to have sex while you are separated does not mean you have to agree it is ok.


Not to mention that such an act in some states can constitute evidence of adultery which could be used in "at-fault" property settlements not to even mention child custody.


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## Highway run

I do not feel sex during a separation is an automatic no go on a R. People are lost during separations and searching everywhere to find themselves and answers even in the wrong way. If they fall in love while separated then that would ruin all chances. It would be hard to look past but I think it could be done. My H is sleeping with someone while we are separated and I love him enough to look past that.


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## ScarletBegonias

Tinkerbell24 said:


> If your husband/wife has been sleeping with other people while you have been separated would this be an issue for you? Would you still want to reconcile?. I haven't been with anyone else but my husband on the other hand has been with a few. No girlfriends just sex. And a whole lotta living it up  I don't know whether I can handle it to be honest and I would love to know everyone else's thoughts.


nope.I would not want to reconcile.I don't think I'd be able to if I knew he couldn't keep it in his pants while we had a cooling off period.You're STILL married while separated.It's dodgy enough to sleep with someone or date someone when you're separated and not planning on an R.But doing it while hoping for R??Ridiculous!!

With that said,I did start dating while I was separated.I didn't sleep with anyone though.It was more to kill time and keep me from pining for the life I left.


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## This is me

When she upped and walked out for 4 months last year I picked up the book Divorce Remedy and it became my bible. 

I faced the reality that I may have to move on, but for me something had seriously changed in her and in the end it became clear she was going through a mid life crisis.

The book explained it well and it all comes down to what do YOU want and are you willing to wait for it. 

I understand not all waywards are going through a MLC, but I suspect more than people would label as MLCs.

Mine came home and realized what she would be losing, but it took much patience, forgiveness and a willingness to let that temporary mental glitch to pass. It is a fog.


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## lost inside

I've been right where you are and I'm still lost. We separated and after a nasty fight a week later we filed for divorce. The next week I found out I was pregnant which delayed the divorce. Meanwhile I sat at home crying every night over him while he lived it up. I thought about dating but didn't want to put my baby at risk of contracting anything because I was spiteful. I also knew that he would never be able to look at me the same way if I did. The way that I cannot look at him the same way anymore. We did reconcile after the baby was born and he was done "playing." I know everyone has their own views but it truely felt like cheating because to me, we were still married until it was finalized. It felt like complete disrespect that he couldn't wait a few months before moving on. To at least have some respect for the years of our marriage that were good. Things got better for a while. He never cheated before the split and hasn't since we reconciled but the issues lye with me. 

I have become so depressed and bitter about it all. I honestly thought I would be able to get past the insecure feelings you have after somone cheats. That the pictures would go away but they haven't. He's done a complete 180 and done everything he can to make up for it but I am have a hard time letting it go. I don't want to lose my marriage but I'm exhausted feeling like I'm walking on egg shells or wondering if it's going happen again. Wondering if I will feel this way forever and knowing that if we did divorce that it wouldn't change anything....it would still hurt.


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## Tinkerbell24

lost inside said:


> I've been right where you are and I'm still lost. We separated and after a nasty fight a week later we filed for divorce. The next week I found out I was pregnant which delayed the divorce. Meanwhile I sat at home crying every night over him while he lived it up. I thought about dating but didn't want to put my baby at risk of contracting anything because I was spiteful. I also knew that he would never be able to look at me the same way if I did. The way that I cannot look at him the same way anymore. We did reconcile after the baby was born and he was done "playing." I know everyone has their own views but it truely felt like cheating because to me, we were still married until it was finalized. It felt like complete disrespect that he couldn't wait a few months before moving on. To at least have some respect for the years of our marriage that were good. Things got better for a while. He never cheated before the split and hasn't since we reconciled but the issues lye with me.
> 
> I have become so depressed and bitter about it all. I honestly thought I would be able to get past the insecure feelings you have after somone cheats. That the pictures would go away but they haven't. He's done a complete 180 and done everything he can to make up for it but I am have a hard time letting it go. I don't want to lose my marriage but I'm exhausted feeling like I'm walking on egg shells or wondering if it's going happen again. Wondering if I will feel this way forever and knowing that if we did divorce that it wouldn't change anything....it would still hurt.


Funnily enough I can't get back together with him. Like I literally CAN'T. I cannot deal with the sleeping around, I can't deal with the fact that he walked away from my daughter and hasn't seen her for months and I just can't deal with everything he has done SINCE our breakup. If he truly loved me and wanted his family he would have stuck around. He wouldn't have left the country in a hurry to go party it up and sleep around, he would have contacted me. I am done. From this point on my marriage is done and i'm going to be okay with it. Because I deserve better.


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## pandorabox

I'm going to resurrect this thread as I think it's a really important issue and would like to get others point of view. I'm not 100% sure I'm right but I think that seeing other people during separation could be a solution.
When your marriage is in a crapper, no intimacy, no affection, a lot of resentment hence no sex life too. I'm not talking about 2-3 year old marriages. I'm talking the long term ones.
Doesn't matter if it's a H or the W - I believe both start feeling unattractive, insecure, lonely. The answer is divorce if everything else failed. BUT... doesn't matter what happened between you - after 10-20 years you still love the other half. You may hate them but you still love them. I think that separating and seeing other people in the process may have few benefits. First it will make you feel wanted and attractive again - your partner will see it too - if other people want you so will she/he. 
Second - I think that being with other partners may remind you what you loved about your H/W in the first place - what is missing in this new relationship.
It's very risky as it may show you all what your H/W was missing but I guess that would mean that the marriage was doomed already anyway.
The one thing I'm sure about this - it takes 2 confident adults to choose this path.

Tell me what you think - are there holes in my logic?


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## LdyVenus

Sleeping with other people while separated may just remind you how much you love your spouse and how compatible you really are. Though I do think these things should be discussed prior to separation to avoid any misunderstanding and further pain.


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## pandorabox

Thank you Venus, that's one of the things I omitted but thought about it too. After so many years of marriage and countless nights you both really know what is a YES and NO. What makes other partner tick. Even that sleeping with someone else make have your hormones flaring it will show you how little they know about you I think


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## mel123

pandorabox said:


> I'm going to resurrect this thread as I think it's a really important issue and would like to get others point of view. I'm not 100% sure I'm right but I think that seeing other people during separation could be a solution.
> When your marriage is in a crapper, no intimacy, no affection, a lot of resentment hence no sex life too. I'm not talking about 2-3 year old marriages. I'm talking the long term ones.
> Doesn't matter if it's a H or the W - I believe both start feeling unattractive, insecure, lonely. The answer is divorce if everything else failed. BUT... doesn't matter what happened between you - after 10-20 years you still love the other half. You may hate them but you still love them. I think that separating and seeing other people in the process may have few benefits. First it will make you feel wanted and attractive again - your partner will see it too - if other people want you so will she/he.
> Second - I think that being with other partners may remind you what you loved about your H/W in the first place - what is missing in this new relationship.
> It's very risky as it may show you all what your H/W was missing but I guess that would mean that the marriage was doomed already anyway.
> The one thing I'm sure about this - it takes 2 confident adults to choose this path.
> 
> Tell me what you think - are there holes in my logic?



Pandora,

Plenty of holes, human emotions are not logical and do not run on logic

I am a confident and secure person. However that being said, if my W were to do that, I would be done with her


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## pandorabox

Can you elaborate mel123?


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## LdyVenus

I think if there was a separation in my marriage it would be a given. You have to remind yourself of why you took those vows in the first place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loverher

My view is this, it brings one more thing to a allready rocky relationship that you dont need to deal with right now. Only you can set your own boundries for what you are willing to deal with right now. Once thoose boundries are crossed you must take a stand for yourself and demand the respect you deserve not to let thoose rules be broken. If it brings you back together and you find that it played a part in a R you will have to deal with it then. Just MHO as I am dealing with the same thing but going into a D now.


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## ScarletBegonias

yes let's all use the cooling off period as the perfect reason to get some sex on the side because "it'll bring us closer sweetie".

riiiight


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## mel123

Pandora,

There are plenty of holes in your logic IMHO , human emotions are not logical and do not run on logic

I am a confident and secure person. However that being said, if my W were to do that, I would be done with her.



Pandora said:


> Can you elaborate mel123?



Albert Einstein, was one of the most logical people who ever lived. He was married several years to his wife. He then had a long term Affair with his 1st. cousin. So what did he do? He left and divorced his W and married his first cousin. 

So that is not logical to me , human emotions; love, hate romance, guilt, embarrassment,humiliation and the feeling of superiority over other etc are all over the place, and can not be pinned down with logic.


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## pandorabox

I think you misunderstood the question Mel. I don't really care if it's logic or no but whether people see what I wrote the same way. What are other people opinions.

As to Albert Einstein story - well - it is LOGICAL to me - you love new person you divorce the one you don't - pure and easy


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## Dewayne76

"As to Albert Einstein story - well - it is LOGICAL to me - you love new person you divorce the one you don't - pure and easy"

WoW. 

Not even sure this is worth talking about. I'd love to see what others have to say about this statement.


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## pandorabox

Dewayne76 said:


> "As to Albert Einstein story - well - it is LOGICAL to me - you love new person you divorce the one you don't - pure and easy"
> 
> WoW.
> 
> Not even sure this is worth talking about. I'd love to see what others have to say about this statement.


Hey Dewayne, I didn't say it's moral or right or responsible. It's logic.


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## kindi

I don't know.

"Let's separate to see if we can find a way to work things out and fix the marriage, and while we're apart let's go have sex with other people".

Seems counter intuitive.

Sort of like saying "Not sure I like the furniture, let's see if we can redecorate" and then lighting the house on fire and burning it to the ground.


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## pandorabox

It's not much of sex - more like seeing how is it to interact with other partner


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## Acorn

It would depend on a lot of things for me... Did I neglect my wife sexually? Did she give me a chance to fix it? Could she be sleeping around in an effort to feel more whole/attractive/etc. after what the neglect did to her? I think I could overlook that if I was honest with myself.

If I had been a halfway decent spouse as far as meeting her needs and she did this, that would mean bye bye for me.


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## RandomDude

My wife has made it really clear already that once I bang someone else, it's over. She can take alot, but this would be a dealbreaker for her during our seperation. And it's vice versa. She is really worried about my possible infidelity and needed alot of reassurance from me that I won't step out on her, that she needs time to find herself, to seek help and to be aware of her own problems/issues.

But the thing is, she really wants it to work. If she doesn't, then I would be ramming a few by now.


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## golfergirl

What's the purpose of separation? Cooling off period to figure things out or mandatory wait period until you can get a divorce? My exH dragged the separation out for over 4 years. Reconciling was never the plan,had to wait out the year plus until we could officially divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl

RandomDude said:


> My wife has made it really clear already that once I bang someone else, it's over. She can take alot, but this would be a dealbreaker for her during our seperation. And it's vice versa. She is really worried about my possible infidelity and needed alot of reassurance from me that I won't step out on her, that she needs time to find herself, to seek help and to be aware of her own problems/issues.
> 
> But the thing is, she really wants it to work. If she doesn't, then I would be ramming a few by now.



Thank you TAM for telling me to keep my pants on! Glad she's coming around. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude

golfergirl said:


> Thank you TAM for telling me to keep my pants on! Glad she's coming around.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks 

Nice typo btw lol


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## golfergirl

RandomDude said:


> Thanks
> 
> Nice typo btw lol


Haha thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator

golfergirl said:


> What's the purpose of separation? Cooling off period to figure things out or mandatory wait period until you can get a divorce? My exH dragged the separation out for over 4 years. Reconciling was never the plan, had to wait out the year plus until we could officially divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My separation is now in its 19th month and the divorce petition is 13 months old. So at least in my STBXW's case, this "civil separation" from me that she had unilaterally ordered was later proven to be nothing more than a ploy in order for her to richly open up her travelling sexual buffet with her OM, without having me anywhere around to even remotely entertain making her feel the least amount of guilt about it.

Truth be known, I don't really think that the term "guilt" is anywhere in her vocabulary, much less in her conscience!


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## pandorabox

Acorn said:


> It would depend on a lot of things for me... Did I neglect my wife sexually? Did she give me a chance to fix it? Could she be sleeping around in an effort to feel more whole/attractive/etc. after what the neglect did to her? I think I could overlook that if I was honest with myself.
> 
> If I had been a halfway decent spouse as far as meeting her needs and she did this, that would mean bye bye for me.


Great post Acorn - so much honesty in it and open mind.

It amazes me how so many people only see vows from only one angle. You read so many horrible posts, mental abuse, physical abuse, neglect, intimidation and so on - it's all bad but it's not a deal breaker - but mention an affair and not only it's a deal breaker but "vows" become the main argument

Affair doesn't mean you stopped loving your partner - at least not always. But I think any abuse does


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