# She says I'm 'overcomplicating and overthinking' things. Am I?



## Izzitme (Aug 29, 2009)

A brief summary of our current situation

We have been married for about 20 years, I'm 47 and she is 42. We have two healthy, well adjusted and happy (about as happy as a 16 yo gets) sons, 16 & 14. Our boys are in boarding school and get home on week-ends and school holidays. the family is healthy.
We own a house, have 4 dogs and live in an OK neighbourhood. We don't have much debt. I am the breadwinner and have a reasonably secure job, career progresses pretty well, if slowly, decent prospects and I enjoy work and working. My wife does not work. We have a full time maid and a gardener who comes in once a week. I love her deeply, still, and besides some 'competition' from Scarlett Johansen, I only want to have sex with my wife.

All in all, a pretty good situation and I am proud of what we have achieved.

A brief history of 'us'

We started life with the proverbial nothing. Times were very hard and we both made some poor early career choices, which put a lot of pressure on the two of us. Although times were very tough, I don't think any lasting wounds, or bad scars were left. We stayed happy and in love.
We had a business that went bust, were left in deep debt abut over time, we re-paid and rebuilt from our loss. As I say, Two children were born and we stayed pretty happy and in love.
Around 5 years ago, my wife became very unhappy with her job. She spent about a year complaining. She woke up cross and went to bet angry. She hated her job, her employer, the people around her and her life. She decided to 'take a break'. Financially it was tough, but the relief I felt was really worth it. I no longer had an angry and unhappy wife. I no longer got snapped at, or shouted at when I knew the problem was not about me, it was about her and her life. We stayed happy and in love.
My career progressed steadily and, well, she just stopped.....

Yep, she just stopped. Stopped doing anything, anything at all.

I'm OK with her not working - from a financial perspective, but believe we learn and are stimulated by others all the time. Without interaction from others, in a business or work environment, we stagnate. 
She has no circle of friends, only some acquaintances, whom she does not see regularly.
She spends her days playing on-line computer games. We have full-time house-hold help, so she does not have to do house-work. She does not enjoy cooking, so she very seldom cooks for me.
She is satisfied with sex around once a month whereas I wanna do it all the time, with her. I find her enormously physically attractive, even after all these years - and she is a stunner! When we do, its pretty same old same old. She shows no interest in experimentation or new, different ways. When we do do it, I take care to make sure she is satisfied, in the vague, forlorn hope that this will make her want to do it again sooner. When we do do it, she seems to enjoy and participates pretty well. Although not ideal, I can live with our sex-life.
Neither of us is having any extra-marital affair.

So, whats the problem, then?

Well, we just do not talk, about anything. We do not talk about our daily lives, commonplace occurrences - you know, like 'how was your day, what happened today'?
We don't communicate about our lives, our feelings, our futures. 
I reckon she talks to her fellow cyberspace gamers, more than me.

I feel so alone. I go to work early, alone, she is still asleep. I kiss her on the cheek when I leave I get home, usually late and she seldom gets up from the computer or TV to greet me. I get home alone.
I face a tough corporate day and 'fight the fight' alone. She never wants to discuss my work life or hear my trials and tribulations. I work alone.
I achieve success, get a bonus and get a grudging 'nice job'. I succeed alone.
I travel to exotic destinations - Asia last month and we have not talked about what I saw, experienced, felt - nothing. I travel alone.
I masturbate - thinking of her, alone. Actually, I don't do much of that anymore because it makes me feel too lonely.

So, what have I done about this?

I tried to explain myself to her. I believe our lack of communication is very dangerous for our relationship. I explained how distant and lonely I felt. Her reaction was to scoff at my feelings and to say there is nothing wrong with our relationship, but there might be something wrong with me. She says she is OK, that I 'need a hobby and should stop working so hard'.

I suggested marriage counselling. Mainly just so I could get her attention and talk for a couple of hours about how I felt. I don't expect too much help from the counselor, other than to force my wife to listen. She said she was not willing to do this and that maybe I should go, alone to counselling.

I called a few and they maintained (correctly, I believe), that we needed to see them together. I have told her this and she is thinking about it. I am not expecting a positive outcome.

My own recognition of 'the problem' is about two years old and the process of trying to fix things, as I have described has been over about the last year.

I am trying not to be judgemental, I am trying to see things from all angles and approaches but doing it alone prevents me from understanding my wife's perspectives. And so, things are degenerating and soon I'm going to start 'blaming'. I don't want to get there, it just makes it so hard to regain what I want.

Avoidance and ignoring the issue is not the way either. I want to tackle, work on and resolve my feelings and actions

'Over-thinking and over-complicating', according to my wife - yes, maybe, but its real to me and it's my reality and its about her and me - not just me.

What do I want from this forum, or this post?

Questions I should be asking her/myself
Insights into how she may be feeling.
Advice - anything please.
Comments - anything.
Suggestions around the way forward.

Just some help, anything....


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## Izzitme (Aug 29, 2009)

Also, should I post this link to her? 

I mean its another method of communication - which is what I'm looking for. Maybe she can see what others think, maybe she could understand me/us better if she read this?

What say you?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Izzitme said:


> She spends her days playing on-line computer games...
> 
> ...I reckon she talks to her fellow cyberspace gamers, more than me.


That seems to be the problem from what I read in your post. Don't underestimate the seriousiness of gaming addiction.

Is it World of Warcraft? If so, this may help... WoW Detox - The Detox center for your World of Warcraft Addiction!

I'd also think that stay at home wives, with kids away all week in boarding school, would NOT require full time home help. That's just lame. I'm all for pampering the women, but she's about as functional as Paris Hiltons purse dog.

You also seem to be a bit weak at the knees about her to actually put your foot down and bring these issues to a head. Sex once a month is obviously in no way enough sex for you, yet you're admitting defeat on the issue without even waiting for anyone to reply to you.

At this point I think you have to be willing to risk the failure of the relationship in order to save it. She's clearly not going to suddenly wake up and say _"wow I've really been an ass, I need to get a job or at least do a Martha Stewart impression around the house, or I might lose my husband"._

Figure out what you really want from her in this relationship as a minimum. Figure out how you are enabling the situation. Seek some legal advice on how things would play out if you divorce. Seek out some marriage counseling.

It is most important that you do not display weakness to her. No begging, pleading, whining, crying. Stop reacting to her lack of interest and activity. Start acting. She needs to learn that she needs to comply with your direction, or she risks losing you.

It's really like dealing with a bad employee. Just lay out the "job equirements and expectations", and stay professional and follow through on the "progressive discpline policy". eg...

I want you to either work or maintain the home, frequent sex, fix gaming addiction. If you do not turn this around within two months the next step will be taken. The next step will be firing the help and requirement you attend marriage counseling with me. If you do not comply with that in a further two months, I will take a further step and remove the computer from your use and marriage counseling will be requested again. If you are unwilling to comply with counseling then, I will take my final step and will file for divorce and sole custody of the kids.

I'd frame it out a bit more than that. And yes I'm realizing I'm breaking down marriage into a very unromantic concept of a form of employment. Consider it a metaphor. And yes, I did cast you in the role of supervisor in this relationship metaphor. I have no apologies for doing so.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Good comments from the previous poster.

You will need to set some boundaries for you Wife. She may have 

a gaming addiction. I would, as the previous poster said, start figuring out what you would like. Tell her what you need in a nice way. 

Yes. I suppose you could link this to her. I don't think this would be harmful if it brings up a healthy conversation. She may be defensive at first as she what the other posters would have said in response. Some may not be very nice.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I could comment and put some real thought into things but I do not find people give the same consideration
as I have issues with my marriage too and I get no well thought out responses.

so all I can say is:
You do not seem compatible.


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## Izzitme (Aug 29, 2009)

So yesterday we had a bit of a spat. The subject of the dispute did not really warrant the anger, defensiveness and emotion that was expressed - by both of us. I was pleased that she got mad. I took it to mean that she still cares. Anyhow, she made a comment that I have been thinking about. It's pretty unrelated to the little fight we were having and I have taken it as an indicator as to what is top of mind in her head. She said;

- "you want to mould me into something that you want and I won't allow you to control me like that"

This is straight out not true. I want her to be herself. I want her to grow and become her own person. I have no preconception of how or what she should be. 
I really just don't want her to be this disconnected, uncommunicative lump. beyond that, I haven't got any real picture. I think the problem is that she realises that she has no idea of what or how she wants to be. She has asked herself the question "what do you want" and realised that she does not know. Instead of seeking the answer, she has decided to avoid the question and the answer. Pretend that all is OK with her and I am the problem, because I want to 'push' her into doing things she does not want to do. 
Well, this makes it tough for me, because in essence, anything I suggest to her will be seen as me trying to mould her into something I and not she wants.
I will always be wrong and I will always be moulding and controlling to her - not because that's what I am, but rather because she simply has no plan, no alternative or any answer for me to counter my arguments.
Basically, no matter how much I reassure her of my good intentions, she has managed to get herself into this defensive position and I will always be the attacker, the enemy.....

BTW, thank you Atholk for you considered response. Others, thanks too for taking the time to read, think and respond. I appreciate it.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I'm going to stick with my orginial comments as direction. Gaming addiction can be very difficult to break.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Or maybe she fell out of love with you and just going through the motions. 

~sammy


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