# Not attracted to my wife



## manintheworld

How do you tell your spouse that they need to lose weight? My wife is very insecure anyway, and I can't figure out how to handle this topic with her.
She is about 40 lbs overweight, and gained this during a difficult time in our marriage. We are trying to fix up our relationship, and one of the things I want to do is be more of a leader, more romantic, and bring more fun and sexiness to our marriage. But we need to talk about her weight, which I honestly find a bit repulsive. Any suggestions on how to handle this topic?


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## dannyboyk

I bet you could lose a few pounds too. Maybe you could make it a joint effort. "Honey, let's go get a membership at 24 hour fitness" then bust a move on the treadmill together. You can come home all sweaty and f*** each other silly to keep your heart rate up.

Don't laugh until you do it man.


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## BigToe

I would be cautious and do what dannyboyk suggested. Make it about you two doing something together OR about her health. Do not make it about her looks. Even if she doesn't want to join a health club, you could do it to start things off in hopes that she will join you at a later time. As you become healthy you could potentially "nag" her into joining you.


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## Married 20 years

I agree with the above posters. She will not be motivated to lose weight simply to be more pleasing to you. It's not that a woman doesn't ever want to please a man, but if that's her reason for losing weight she's likely to gain it right back when you're having your differences... Women want to be loved for who they are on the inside, not how they look on the outside.

As a woman, I would be very motivated to exercise alongside my husband. Spending time together and focusing on a healthier lifestyle is great for your marriage. One caveat though, avoid making the form of exercise competitive. For example, if you go for a bike ride with your wife don't make it about who's going fastest. And try to choose activities that your wife will enjoy doing. If she's not a runner, don't press her to become a runner all of a sudden. Make it fun.


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## Syrum

manintheworld said:


> How do you tell your spouse that they need to lose weight? My wife is very insecure anyway, and I can't figure out how to handle this topic with her.
> She is about 40 lbs overweight, and gained this during a difficult time in our marriage. We are trying to fix up our relationship, and one of the things I want to do is be more of a leader, more romantic, and bring more fun and sexiness to our marriage. But we need to talk about her weight, which I honestly find a bit repulsive. Any suggestions on how to handle this topic?


Repulsive is a harsh word. I wonder if you gained some weight or changed in some way, if you would feel it was fair for her to describe you as repulsive.

I think you have been given some good suggestions though.

I however wonder do you watch porn, or compare you wife to unrealistic women?


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## Halien

manintheworld said:


> How do you tell your spouse that they need to lose weight? My wife is very insecure anyway, and I can't figure out how to handle this topic with her.
> She is about 40 lbs overweight, and gained this during a difficult time in our marriage. We are trying to fix up our relationship, and one of the things I want to do is be more of a leader, more romantic, and bring more fun and sexiness to our marriage. But we need to talk about her weight, which I honestly find a bit repulsive. Any suggestions on how to handle this topic?


Alas, if only the issue were that you were a nice guy, then with this weakness people could tell you to just fix it because its unattractve, but you've encroached upon the taboo of political correctness.

Personally, I think your option is to work on yourself and try to include her. Tell her that you want a better body image to be more attractive to her, and just leave it to her to see the implication. Ask her for her help in keeping you motivated, and try to see if she would join you for winding down walks later in the day.


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## magnoliagal

I'm wondering what happened during that difficult time in your marriage that caused her to gain the weight.


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## Goodboy

I suggest you keep on loving her! loving her!! more and more. And sex her as often as you can. Praise and appreciate her for who and what she is. By the time the love you have for her has become the driving force of her life! she will agree with you.
Like someone said above, you can decide to loss some pounds for the sake of what you wanted her to do. Never you force her to do that.


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## TemperToo

My husband's condemnation of my small weight gains caused me to gain more. And I resent him for not loving me for who I am. I agree with Goodboy. LOVE her! Help her in her self esteem and worth issues. I work on losing the weight for myself when I am happy in life. And gain it when things suck. She has to make that decision on her own or she will resent you for it. Just my opinion....


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## magnoliagal

For years I've wanted my husband to lose weight. He might do it for a bit but he'd always gain it back. Well then I decided to work on me and decided to just love him as he is. I admire him, praise him, love him and it's all sincere there is no ulterior motive.

After 5 months of this he is now is trying to lose weight and this time is different than the other times. For example we went out to eat so he "cheated" on his diet. Usually he'd just eat the whole thing and say whatever but this time he only ate half of it and walked away. He's really making a huge effort to lose weight and I didn't have to say a thing about it and I'm still not. He's down 8 pounds in 3 weeks with no signs of slowing down. It's amazing what some sincere love can do for someone's self esteem.


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## manintheworld

Thanks for the replies, though its not really what I wanted to hear. First, I do not need to lose any weight. I am in great, px90 kind of shape. I do regular, vigorous excercise, and she wants no part of that. Most of you said to love her for who she is, not how she looks, but I view the weight as reflecting her commitment to me and our relationship. She gained the weight at a point in time when she was hostile and blaming me for lots of things. We have worked to get past these issues, but the weight is still there, unignorable, and conveying to me that she is not interested in being a wife. 
I believe that her appearance goes to the core of what is problematic in our relationship and dealing with it honestly would lead to other underlying issues. I get what you are saying about the resentments that build around the weight issue. But what is a spouse's responsibility in a marriage in terms of maintaining their attractiveness to their wife/husband?


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## BigToe

manintheworld said:


> But what is a spouse's responsibility in a marriage in terms of maintaining their attractiveness to their wife/husband?


Apparently none. Despite my chipped front tooth, spare tire, and weight gain, my wife still loves me. She told me so.


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## VeryHurt

This is an incredibly painful subject for me right now. My husband recently told me that he is not physcially or sexually attracted to me anymore.

He has felt this way for years and instead of telling me he emotionally and mentally abused me into obesity.

I AM NOT kidding.

Telling something like that to your wife IS ONE OF THE CRUELEST THINGS THAT YOU CAN EVER SAY TO HER.

Do you hear me ?????

DO NOT EVER TELL HER THAT YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO HER.

Trust me, she will never be able to get that thought out of her mind and she may NEVER LET YOU TOUCH HER AGAIN !!!!


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## manintheworld

VeryHurt said:


> DO NOT EVER TELL HER THAT YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO HER.
> 
> Trust me, she will never be able to get that thought out of her mind and she may NEVER LET YOU TOUCH HER AGAIN !!!!


Maybe that's where we're headed anyway.


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## Runs like Dog

It's just a shell. It doesn't mean much.


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## Undertheradar

Hey, I'm a man, and I "sense" that my wife is no longer attracted to me, and it's killing me inside.

Please don't tell her. One day, you'll lose your hair, gain a few pounds, or maybe have erectile dysfunction.
How would you feel if she wanted it, and you couldn't bring it?


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## Laurae1967

I am sorry to say that you sound very superficial. We are all going to get old, wrinkly, droop, lose hair, gain hair, etc. If her looks are the basis for how you feel about her, do her a favor and divorce her. Then she'll lose the weight and find a husband who will love her for all the reasons you can't.

Your wife's weight gain says everything about her needs not being met in the relationship, some of which probably falls on your shoulders. She's eating for emotional reasons.

I wonder if you have behaved in ways that invalidate her as a person, or make her feel like she can never meet your lofty standards (P90X). My guess is yes. So she eats to try to deal with her feelings of being with a critical, judgmental husband.

I think it is interesting that most people encouraged you to show her how much you love her and your response was "Ummm, no". You would rather take the easy way out and divorce her for someone better looking.

Well, maybe the next one will be a size 0 and love you for who you are....until you injure yourself and can't do P90X and gain 30 lbs.


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## JJG

Laurae1967 said:


> I am sorry to say that you sound very superficial. We are all going to get old, wrinkly, droop, lose hair, gain hair, etc. If her looks are the basis for how you feel about her, do her a favor and divorce her. Then she'll lose the weight and find a husband who will love her for all the reasons you can't.


I completely disagree. Weight gain is completely different to drooping and getting wrinkles.

i think we all have a responsibility to try to stay attractive to our other halves. It does not mean that "looks are the basis of the relationship". It just means that you want to make an effort for the person you love.

If my partner were gaining weight purely due to lazyness i would have a huge problem with that, just as i would if they stopped showering or cutting their toe nails.

However, if my partners physical appearance changed due to something out of their control it wouldnt bother me in the slightest. Even if that change was weight gain (as there are things like illness/medication that cause weight gain).

For me it would be the lack of effort/interest that would be the problem.


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## magnoliagal

BigToe said:


> Apparently none. Despite my chipped front tooth, spare tire, and weight gain, my wife still loves me. She told me so.


Yep told my husband this very thing last night.

Overall I'm more concerned about his health than I am his physical appearance. To the OP 40 pounds is a lot but if you went through some rough times it makes sense that she turned to food to comfort herself. And the more you try to get her to change the more she will resist. She has to be inspired and that comes from loving her right where she is at.


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## Laurae1967

If losing weight were easy, everyone would be skinny. If keeping skinny were easy, everyone would be skinny. 

Research shows that most overweight people are eating to cope with emotions. Being overweight and/or chronically overeating is similar to anorexia and bulimia, only the method of controlling/managing emotions is through eating instead of not eating. But the emotional driver is the same. 

People who overeat and under-eat are not "lazy". It might make you feel morally superior to label them as such, but it's not the reality. People who overeat are in emotional pain and are using food to cope with those feelings. It's not healthy to do, but it's not because they are lazy, or trying to be unattractive to their spouse.

It's not as easy as you think to control anorexia or overeating. In fact, anorexia and other eating disorders are very difficult to control. It requires therapy and relearning ineffective, unhealthy behaviors and replacing them with healthy ones. Not so simple when you really think about it.


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## JJG

Apologies for getting off topic OP, but i just want to clear this up.

At no point did i say that all over weight people are lazy or that eating disorders are easy to control. 

If you re-read my post i wrote IF my partner were gaining weight due to lazyness (as is very easily done) then i would have a problem.
I also stated in my post, that if there were reasons beyond their control for changes to their appearence then i would not have the same view.

Im not sure why you got so carried away.

OP - I would have to agree with the rest of the posters here and say that you cannot successfully lose weight for anyone but yourself. Im sure she realises that she has gained weight. Is she the type of person that has always like to stay a certain size? Therefore when she is feeling better about herself she will probably work on getting back in shape?


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## Runs like Dog

And for the record, for as long as I've been a man, which is pretty much forever, the thick girls were always way hotter in the sack. All glory to the curves.


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## Laurae1967

I didn't get carried away. I provided information that is a counterpoint to your post. Isn't that what this board is for?

People don't gain 40 pounds by being "lazy". There is an emotional reason you get that big. Even the OP said it was caused by issues in the marriage (although he glossed over what those were, which is interesting). So not sure why you felt the need to imply people who gain weight are lazy and not doing their part in the relationship. 

I just hate the "lazy" label, as if every problem comes down to people just being lazy about something. Sometimes maybe that is the case, but not in the majority of cases. 

I do agree that each person should try to maintain attractiveness for their spouse, but it's a very fine line between having unrealistic expectations (both men and women gain weight as they age, even when they work out...it's a natural part of aging) and wanting your partner to make some sort of effort.

People who get married and expect their spouses not to change emotionally or physically are not being realistic. People grow and change....nothing is static in life, thankfully.


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## TemperToo

Laurae1967 said:


> I didn't get carried away. I provided information that is a counterpoint to your post. Isn't that what this board is for?
> 
> People don't gain 40 pounds by being "lazy". There is an emotional reason you get that big. Even the OP said it was caused by issues in the marriage (although he glossed over what those were, which is interesting). So not sure why you felt the need to imply people who gain weight are lazy and not doing their part in the relationship.
> 
> I just hate the "lazy" label, as if every problem comes down to people just being lazy about something. Sometimes maybe that is the case, but not in the majority of cases.
> 
> I do agree that each person should try to maintain attractiveness for their spouse, but it's a very fine line between having unrealistic expectations (both men and women gain weight as they age, even when they work out...it's a natural part of aging) and wanting your partner to make some sort of effort.
> 
> People who get married and expect their spouses not to change emotionally or physically are not being realistic. People grow and change....nothing is static in life, thankfully.


:iagree:


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## VeryHurt

Laurae1967 said:


> I am sorry to say that you sound very superficial. We are all going to get old, wrinkly, droop, lose hair, gain hair, etc. If her looks are the basis for how you feel about her, do her a favor and divorce her. Then she'll lose the weight and find a husband who will love her for all the reasons you can't.
> 
> Your wife's weight gain says everything about her needs not being met in the relationship, some of which probably falls on your shoulders. She's eating for emotional reasons.
> 
> I wonder if you have behaved in ways that invalidate her as a person, or make her feel like she can never meet your lofty standards (P90X). My guess is yes. So she eats to try to deal with her feelings of being with a critical, judgmental husband.
> 
> I think it is interesting that most people encouraged you to show her how much you love her and your response was "Ummm, no". You would rather take the easy way out and divorce her for someone better looking.
> 
> Well, maybe the next one will be a size 0 and love you for who you are....until you injure yourself and can't do P90X and gain 30 lbs.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Runs like Dog

I don't like me them skinny anorexic chicks. Daddy want a sammich.


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## VeryHurt

Runs like Dog said:


> I don't like me them skinny anorexic chicks. Daddy want a sammich.


Runs: You're killing me today !!!!!!! VH


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## Betty Betty

Wow people here are really quick to jump all over you. I would like to offer you a different perspective. Look back to a time when you found your wife attractive, was it before she gained weight, or before you were having marital problems? This will let you know if it is really her weight that is the issue. If it is, honestly that is probably easier to fix than some other marital issues. If you are a real health nut who loves to work out, and she has no interest then you are lacking a similar life style view, and that may not be so easy to fix. I don't think it is fair for people to blame you for your wife’s weight gain. If she did gain weight due to your marital problems maybe instead of working out she needs to find a better way to deal with stress. I do agree however that it is probably not a good idea to tell a woman who is already self conscious that you are not attracted to her due to her weight. As a woman we want to feel sexy in order to give ourselves to a man physically. So I am sure she is already well aware of her weight problem, and you pointing it out is bound to make things worse not better. I think you would be better served to work on your marriage and hope the physical attraction comes back as your marriage gets back on track. Also if what you say is true and the weight gain is due to the stress associated with you troubled marriage, maybe they will improve together.


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## Syrum

Runs like Dog said:


> I don't like me them skinny anorexic chicks. Daddy want a sammich.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Halien

manintheworld said:


> Thanks for the replies, though its not really what I wanted to hear. First, I do not need to lose any weight. I am in great, px90 kind of shape. I do regular, vigorous excercise, and she wants no part of that. Most of you said to love her for who she is, not how she looks, but I view the weight as reflecting her commitment to me and our relationship. She gained the weight at a point in time when she was hostile and blaming me for lots of things. We have worked to get past these issues, but the weight is still there, unignorable, and conveying to me that she is not interested in being a wife.
> I believe that her appearance goes to the core of what is problematic in our relationship and dealing with it honestly would lead to other underlying issues. I get what you are saying about the resentments that build around the weight issue. But what is a spouse's responsibility in a marriage in terms of maintaining their attractiveness to their wife/husband?


You are asking questions where there are no easy answers. As you can see from some of the replies, a woman's security is often wrapped up in her feeling of attractiveness for her husband.

My wife has gained about 70 lbs in her latest depressive spell. Being closer to her seems to be the biggest thing to help her overcome the self-loathing and start getting into a weight loss plan. No, I don't like it, but I try to see the real person beneath, because she is working on it. 

When I look back about ten years ago, where I gained 10 lbs after an injury, it was all I could do not to remind her that she said that I repulsed her because I was sitting on the couch, feeling sorry for myself. Her comment worked, though, and I cut my bodyfat down to the prior level (32 waist pants and six pack abs). She just knew me well enough to know that this would work for me.

That said, I realized that emotionally, she is at her lowest. Maybe it sounds sexist, but I think women often tend to loath themselves much more than we dislike the extra weight. Its simply a matter of what works. At the end of the day, you have to be her biggest cheerleader, and a supportive husband, trying to get her to that place where she can make a decision to work on it. Sometimes, even 40 pounds can be enough to prevent them from getting into the weight loss mindset alone. In my opinion, for the health aspects, being the loving encourager is a part you can't let up, because 40 lbs will one day translate to diabetes and health risks.


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## MEM2020

I totally get this. It is about commitment to the marriage. It just is. 

Before getting married 20+ years ago we had the 'talk'. She calls it the "fat talk" which I personally feel is a bit harsh. Take a read and decide for yourself. It went like this. 

Me: I understand this is a sensitive subject, however I want to talk about fitness. You know how everybody says they will be faithful etc. Well I am faithful. Just wired that way. So you will be the ONLY person I will be sleeping with from now on. 
Wife: What does fitness have to do with being faithful?
Me: I think you know how I feel about your slim, lithe 27 year old body. 
Wife: Absolutely crazy about it. Can't seem to keep your hands off of it. 
Me: Yep
Wife: What is your point?
Me: I was wondering if we could put something in our vows about fitness. I think we should vow to stay "fit" for each other. 
Wife: So you are going to dump me if I get fat?
Me: This is the only sexual relationship I will be in rest of my life, I am not attracted to fat women, any more then women are attracted to men shorter then they are. I am hardwired that way, same as women are hardwired to want a bigger stronger male. Not good, or bad. Just reality. 
Wife: (annoyed) Just how many pounds of leeway do I have here? Ten, fifteen? Is there a remediation period during which I can lose the weight? How many pounds of fat allowance do I get for carrying each of your children? And what is the post birth Slimming period"?
Me: I would like to avoid putting a hard number on it, especially since, we start going to the gym more and you add some muscle weight, kind of makes the equation more complex eh?
Wife: (now angry) What about twins? I want a twin allowance? Two weigh more than 1. 
Me: (soothing) Baby only your Doctor will comment on your weight during pregnancy, if he is happy, I am happy.
Wife: What about acts of God that cause disfigurement? Accidents, illness, etc. 
Me: All acts of God are covered. It is not a choice to get in a car accident. I will still love, honor and cherish under any and all Force Majeure events.
Wife: You are shallow - and a P I G - PIG
Me: I physically crave you
Wife: An amorous pig, but still a pig
Me: Lets persue that for a moment. How about right after marriage I stop making the EFFORT, to perform basic grooming and hygiene stuff. Don't get my hair cut, including my lovely nose hairs. Stop showering, stop BRUSHING MY TEETH, etc... Or how about I stay clean but just dress too casually for rest of our lives?
Wife: Not acceptable. Seriously what the hell is wrong with you? 
Me: What exactly is the difference between grooming/hygiene/clothing choices and fitness? How come it is ok to not make an effort to be fit - but it is NOT ok to not do all this other stuff has little/no impact on health?
Wife: Smiling. Even though you are a pig, you know I am going to make the effort to stay fit for you. 
Me: And I for you.


>>>>>>>>>>>>
Pretty close to the actual conversation we had 20+ years ago.






manintheworld said:


> Thanks for the replies, though its not really what I wanted to hear. First, I do not need to lose any weight. I am in great, px90 kind of shape. I do regular, vigorous excercise, and she wants no part of that. Most of you said to love her for who she is, not how she looks, but I view the weight as reflecting her commitment to me and our relationship. She gained the weight at a point in time when she was hostile and blaming me for lots of things. We have worked to get past these issues, but the weight is still there, unignorable, and conveying to me that she is not interested in being a wife.
> I believe that her appearance goes to the core of what is problematic in our relationship and dealing with it honestly would lead to other underlying issues. I get what you are saying about the resentments that build around the weight issue. But what is a spouse's responsibility in a marriage in terms of maintaining their attractiveness to their wife/husband?


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## notaname

MEM, you're adorable.


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## MEM2020

Not,
You are entirely too kind. So lets see how the "plan" worked out over time. 

She stayed in shape. To be fair we did a lot of stuff together that was fun and also good exercise. Lucky me. 


Over the years my Wife and I have both encouraged and supported each other in terms of fitness and eating healthy. We walk together, bike together. Food shop together. I have never once in 20 years given her a funny look regarding a food choice. I did once chastise her for not exercising after our second child because she was getting edgy, not because she was heavy. We did have one serious conflict over weight that was ugly, brutal, honest and lasted almost two years. It finally got resolved in an acceptable way. 

Marriage weights in 1989:
Mine: 160 
Hers: 110

>>>>>>>>>>>>
Master bathroom - July 2007

I look anxiously at the number on the scale - 130 pounds. My wife stares at me pointedly and says - "is there a problem"? I flush, am silent. The tension rises. Finally I say "I am sorry". She is quiet, not happy. Finally I look up from the tile floor - and she is staring at me. 
Wife: "For years I have listened to your comments about other peoples weight. You never seem very sympathetic, frankly you come across as very judgemental. Do you agree with that. You sure have been clear about how important is for me to manage MY weight" 
Me: (in a near whisper) yes
Wife: (coldly) So is this a problem or not? 
Me: (I am now sweating) I will fix this 

My wife has a weight thing just like I do. She likes me stocky - V shaped. Not fat - stocky. Like I was when we got married. She had been patiently, nicely telling me that 'too thin' was a turn OFF for 2 years while I let my weight/muscle mass melt away and pretended that it was not important. 

She had finally reached her breaking point. When I had stopped lifting my testosterone level fell. And my attitude, aggressiveness and drive slowly dropped. My style became kinder, gentler, more patient. And weaker. I didn't flare when provoked. I was conflict avoidant - something she had never experienced in 18 years of marriage. My lack of body mass, combined with this kinder/gentler style was killing the passion. Her body was no longer reacting properly to me. Sex had turned into pure mercy sex, once every 5 days like clockwork - the minimum frequency I could tolerate. But it was 100% mercy sex - painful for her and painful for me. And she wasn't just turned off by the 'too thin' look - she was angry. She had kept her end of the bargain. A combination of a very healthy lifestyle and great genes had left her unscathed by nearly two decades of marriage. She looked the same as she did when we met. Hot. Yummy. Mr. self righteous however had let himself go, and had hoped for a double standard. And she had been patient and understanding for two years. That was now over. 

I went to the gym twice a week and lifted. I started eating one extra small meal a day. Before you snicker - I have reflux disease - cannot eat high fat foods - so it is hard for me to gain weight. But I sucked it up - made the effort - it took a year. 

Testosterone levels rose, aggressiveness rose, conflict happened - good conflict - healthy conflict - followed by makeup sex - hot, steamy makeup sex. And each month another pound or two of muscle arrived. 


Master Bathroom September 2008
I strip for a shower, step on the scale and smile as the digital readout shows 150. As I close the shower door I see my wife looking at me. I smile at her - and she smiles back. 





notaname said:


> MEM, you're adorable.


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## 4sure

JJG said:


> I completely disagree. Weight gain is completely different to drooping and getting wrinkles.
> 
> i think we all have a responsibility to try to stay attractive to our other halves. It does not mean that "looks are the basis of the relationship". It just means that you want to make an effort for the person you love.
> 
> If my partner were gaining weight purely due to lazyness i would have a huge problem with that, just as i would if they stopped showering or cutting their toe nails.
> 
> However, if my partners physical appearance changed due to something out of their control it wouldnt bother me in the slightest. Even if that change was weight gain (as there are things like illness/medication that cause weight gain).
> 
> For me it would be the lack of effort/interest that would be the problem.


:iagree::iagree:


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## marriagesucks

When I first met my ex, he told me that he was not attracted to fat women and would go as far as yank a cookie out of my hand if he felt I was eating too much. I was an athletic size 4, but let me get a slight bulge in my stomach and he would point it out. That was in the beginning of our relationship.

Years later I gained quite a bit of weight. But he found me just as irresistable! I think it is because our love for each other deepened and he loved me for me. When I lost the weight, especially in the beginning...his attraction went through the roof. 

I guess what I am saying is...if you really love your wife, you will still find her attractive enough for sex. But I do believe weight CAN affect your attraction. If I gained 100 lbs, I wonder if that would be the breaking point for my ex?

As for my husband (married a different guy), he gained about 45 lbs since I met him. I think if he lost 40lbs I would be all over him. Yet the weight doesn't bother me to the point that I don't would refuse to have sex. 

I also gained weight. That didn't seem to bother him. But he definitely noticed and found me more attractive when I lost weight. 
Still we had other issues going on. Whether we gained or lost weight, the state of our relationship caused a lot of lack of sex at times.

I go to the gym regularly and I notice that different women are motivated differently to lose weight. What you should NEVER do is tell her you are not attracted to her (though she probably feels it), Tell her you know she has been miserable about her weight and that you want to help her get back to that person because you know she would be happier with herself...and when she is happy, you will be happy. And it would be good for the marriage. And that you could make it fun and use it to spend more time together doing fun things. This is when you tell her you love her a lot. 

Try it and let me know how it goes


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## Conrad

We're not worthy.

You two are the schizzle.



MEM11363 said:


> Not,
> You are entirely too kind. So lets see how the "plan" worked out over time.
> 
> She stayed in shape. To be fair we did a lot of stuff together that was fun and also good exercise. Lucky me.
> 
> 
> Over the years my Wife and I have both encouraged and supported each other in terms of fitness and eating healthy. We walk together, bike together. Food shop together. I have never once in 20 years given her a funny look regarding a food choice. I did once chastise her for not exercising after our second child because she was getting edgy, not because she was heavy. We did have one serious conflict over weight that was ugly, brutal, honest and lasted almost two years. It finally got resolved in an acceptable way.
> 
> Marriage weights in 1989:
> Mine: 160
> Hers: 110
> 
> >>>>>>>>>>>>
> Master bathroom - July 2007
> 
> I look anxiously at the number on the scale - 130 pounds. My wife stares at me pointedly and says - "is there a problem"? I flush, am silent. The tension rises. Finally I say "I am sorry". She is quiet, not happy. Finally I look up from the tile floor - and she is staring at me.
> Wife: "For years I have listened to your comments about other peoples weight. You never seem very sympathetic, frankly you come across as very judgemental. Do you agree with that. You sure have been clear about how important is for me to manage MY weight"
> Me: (in a near whisper) yes
> Wife: (coldly) So is this a problem or not?
> Me: (I am now sweating) I will fix this
> 
> My wife has a weight thing just like I do. She likes me stocky - V shaped. Not fat - stocky. Like I was when we got married. She had been patiently, nicely telling me that 'too thin' was a turn OFF for 2 years while I let my weight/muscle mass melt away and pretended that it was not important.
> 
> She had finally reached her breaking point. When I had stopped lifting my testosterone level fell. And my attitude, aggressiveness and drive slowly dropped. My style became kinder, gentler, more patient. And weaker. I didn't flare when provoked. I was conflict avoidant - something she had never experienced in 18 years of marriage. My lack of body mass, combined with this kinder/gentler style was killing the passion. Her body was no longer reacting properly to me. Sex had turned into pure mercy sex, once every 5 days like clockwork - the minimum frequency I could tolerate. But it was 100% mercy sex - painful for her and painful for me. And she wasn't just turned off by the 'too thin' look - she was angry. She had kept her end of the bargain. A combination of a very healthy lifestyle and great genes had left her unscathed by nearly two decades of marriage. She looked the same as she did when we met. Hot. Yummy. Mr. self righteous however had let himself go, and had hoped for a double standard. And she had been patient and understanding for two years. That was now over.
> 
> I went to the gym twice a week and lifted. I started eating one extra small meal a day. Before you snicker - I have reflux disease - cannot eat high fat foods - so it is hard for me to gain weight. But I sucked it up - made the effort - it took a year.
> 
> Testosterone levels rose, aggressiveness rose, conflict happened - good conflict - healthy conflict - followed by makeup sex - hot, steamy makeup sex. And each month another pound or two of muscle arrived.
> 
> 
> Master Bathroom September 2008
> I strip for a shower, step on the scale and smile as the digital readout shows 150. As I close the shower door I see my wife looking at me. I smile at her - and she smiles back.


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## Sabariel

I'm really glad to find this thread still active.

I'm in your wife's boat. When we met, I was at my lowest ever weight, attainable only by living on vegetables and working out twice a day. Not exactly sustainable. I've gone up and down a bit over the past 4 years, and right now I'm at the heaviest I've been in my life.

Since I started putting on the weight recently, I've been feeling him grow physically distant. Not as passionate, never initiating lovemaking.

Since day 1, he's been very clear that it really bothers him when people let themselves go. Just like you said with brushing your teeth or taking showers, it's a basic part of taking care of yourself.

I know that my eating and inactivity have been emotionally related, we moved to a new city 3 years ago and I'm still having trouble finding close friends that I really jive with. He works on the road, so I'm pretty lonely most of the time. And with him away to not "notice" that I'm pigging out and sitting around all day, I forget that I still can't "get away" with that and have him not notice.

He didn't bring it up, I pulled it out of him, it was obvious something was bothering him and he wasn't telling me. Finally he confessed that my weight gain has affected his attraction to me. He was very clear that he still loves me and isn't going anywhere, just that he doesn't have a desire to have sex with me.

I want to lose the weight. I love it when I look sexy, love seeing myself in the mirror, shopping for cute outfits and being able to buy smaller sizes. And I love it when he finds me so attractive he can't keep his hands to himself. But it takes encouragement and support, and with our lifestyle (him on the road, out of phone's reach most of the day, and me having not made close friends here yet) it's really hard to get that.


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## skmix

Im glad I ran across this thread.

When I met my husband I was in great shape. I didnt have to do much to keep myself in shape either. As time past and our relationship hit 2years the weight seemed to just pile on. I am 5'7 and my highest weight was 183!!! I was in denial that I'd gained any weight at all. Pictures dont lie! Anyways my husband did as the others said to do, tried to make it a mutual thing. He is in wonderful shape, has been for years. He works out everyday expect sunday for 1-2hours! 

I dont like working out. Im the type of person who quits after a week for lack of results. He finally could not take it anymore and brought it up. I was so hurt. I had done this to myself. He told me so I could do somthing about it before it was to late. Idk if I didnt do it because I was rubbing it in his face that I do what I want or if I just was not ready. He gave me lots of time to lose the weight. When he left for 3months of training i did loose 23lbs. He was so excited, our relationship was back to being great again and I felt better about myself. However I put 15 of that back on over time. With no real effort to put it off he got frustrated. He said he is not attracted to me and that he has given me many chances. my weight has been up and down sence. going between 160 and 175.

Since we have seperated (for other reasons) I am now motivated to lose the weight and keep it off for good. To bad i have to weight out my pregnancy. But it might be to late. My point is if it really bothers you, say something. If you dont it will caise way more problems in the long run. She is going to be hurt and distraught and might not do anything for a while. But i belive we should be heald responsible to stay in shape and look good for our partners. Even if its hard. Best of luck


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## sinnister

manintheworld said:


> But what is a spouse's responsibility in a marriage in terms of maintaining their attractiveness to their wife/husband?


I'm not sure but you may be on to something.

Before our intimacy issues I looked more like Reggie Bush. Now I look more like Cedric the Entertainer.


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## Runs like Dog

I held her head over the toilet when she was vomiting from chemotherapy. I've have cleaned up clumps of hair. I've cleaned her when she couldn't get out of bed. I've brushed her teeth for her and changed surgical dressings. I have literally mopped up puke, ****, piss, blood, mucous and tears. 

It's just a shell. The person is inside. Sometimes the person inside is a nightmare from hell anyway, but they're inside. The rest is a shell and doesn't really matter a lot.


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## magnoliagal

Runs that is so sweet. Your wife doesn't deserve you.


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## MGirl

magnoliagal said:


> Runs that is so sweet. Your wife doesn't deserve you.


:iagree::iagree:


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## SimplyAmorous

skmix said:


> My point is if it really bothers you, say something. If you dont it will caise way more problems in the long run. She is going to be hurt and distraught and might not do anything for a while. But i belive we should be heald responsible to stay in shape and look good for our partners. Even if its hard. Best of luck


SKMIX - I give you MUCH credit for being in this situation but still recognizing the value of honesty here, even when it hurts like he**. :smthumbup: Too often in these things -we are not willing/open to hear what our spouse "needs" from us-to improve the marraige. We immediately jump & blame, even demonize our partner for being shallow, callous and unloving if he dare mentions such things. It floors me that more partners don't talk about these things. 

I have read stories on this site where the man even says things he does not feel - to be nice to his wife -to not hurt her, like if she asks if she looks good in that dress, he feels it is a trap, clams up & says what she wants to hear -she then comes to feel even more secure in her continued weight gain, then later he realizes he did a HORRENDOUS thing and he no longer can carry on the charade. Not a good ending at all. Silent resentment, fear, loss of his desire, she starts feeling unwanted, but yet his words speak otherwise, confusion, avoidance, hearbreak. 

This just shouldn't be!  

I am someone who learned it is most helpful to ask our partner MANY MANY questions along the way -so we KNOW how they feel or *would feel *- IF this ever happened, IF that ever happened, etc. I know my husband well, he is TOO NICE of a man to intentionally HURT if he can avoid it. I am accually against this passive trait of his, I want him to tell me straight ! Sometimes I tell him "HURT ME"! He does not LIE --but I may have to ask! I have come to learn, on this issue, he says he would always LOVE me -but he says he would loose DESIRE if I ever gained too much weight, and our sex life WOULD suffer, he told me outright , he would not be able to get it up. 

Desire from our partners, what is it worth to us ? 

This is a fair question. Most of us can not turn this off & on, regardless of our LOVE for that person, attraction - it is INGRAINED in us from a young age even. 

To deny this is to deny reality. 

Thankfully, we are all different. I have a male friend who PREFERS plus size women! He doesnt like 'em thin and he IS thin! He has always been this way. So all types out there. 

I am different than Mem's wife, I like a very thin man, if he even has too many muscles, I am turned off, that repulses me. While his wife prefers a stocky man, and he values HER DESIRE enough to hit the gym and bulk it up a bit. THIS is the attitude to catch in marraige- it is about pleasing the other -as well as taking care of ourselves, so we can live a long healthy life together.  

Aren't the best things in life something we put some hardy discipline into - college educations, raising moral children, maintaining a healthy body, all worthy goals in this life. 

IF the "goal" is worthy enough to us, we will go to any lengths to achieve it.


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## annagarret

manintheworld said:


> Maybe that's where we're headed anyway.


Is it that bad, I mean that the two of you can't or won't make love? This topic is tough. As a guy you probably were first attracted to her feminine curves. Which is great! We love that about men. Time takes it's course, stress also and people gain weight. As a woman all can say is it took her a while to gain the weight, it will take her a while to lose it. A key issue is how she feels about you and her in the marriage. If she is happy and trusts you and feels close to you, she will feel GREAT about herself and not turn to food for comfort. This is tricky though, us women are very emotional, your wifes relationship with you consumes her, even if she doesn't know it, we are creatures of the heart. I know that the more my husband compliments me on my strong physical features it makes me work harder to look great in all areas. Focus on her strong parts, thick hair, killer smile, eyes, her laugh, ass, calfs....as she senses your sincerity she will come around.....Also read for you "Every Mans Battle" it helps husbands refocus their desires to their beloved in the midst of a very sex-crazed society. This is a tough issue and you are not wrong to feel this way....Good Luck


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## Sad_Man

In a similar situation myself, its improving now though. Weight and attraction is impacting our sex life. But for me the weight is only part of it. Another thing that decreases my attraction is the daily routine of her coming home from work or from wherever, every night and immediately taking off her makeup and putting on sweats. Occasionally its nice to see what you look like all made up, not just on date nights. Id like to see more of what you project to the world. It shouldnt have to be a special occassion. Just wait a couple hours before going into the "I-dont-care-im-tired" mode.

Weight I understand since my wife and I battle with it. First few years I put on 50lbs (went over 300 lbs but im 6'6 and was an athlete so I carried it well--you'd never guess I was 300lbs.). I was apathetic, depressed, overwhelmed working 60 hours a week and going to school full time in the evenings. Eventually I got off my ass because the same thing was happening to my wife. Next few years I went up and down (250-270). This year I said enough and really went to work, as did my wife. In the last seven years she did the roller-coaster between 130-170 and she's only 5'0 (yes I tower over her). She hit the 170 mark last year and got serious. She's doing very well and is sticking with it. In the past she would give up after a few weeks, but she's still going strong and down to 145. Im noticing my attraction increasing again because im seeing curves and not rolls (dont mean to offend anyone). Now if I can only get her to stop wearing the stained sweatpants with the stretched/faded torn tank top, and walking around our house on dirty floors barefoot lol.

The only thing that seemed to worked for her was deciding to weigh herself after a couple years and was disgusted by the number. This and hating pictures of herself because she could see it, she was just trying to avoid it. Hopefully she sticks with it and it becomes a lifestyle change. Health is always important.


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## Ayrun

I think if you're keeping yourself in shape and looking good, she ought to as well. Thing is with forums like this, is people come asking advice on how to make their partner do something. If I had a mind control device I'd help you out, but you're already setting the tone (so you say). 

If you're truly walking and talking the part, I don't know what to say buddy. I mean, do you love the woman? Talks like this won't go over well. The only thing to do is get her involved in something physical. 

Does she like to ballroom dance? Lots of women love to dance, guys not so much. It's a real workout though, I'm telling you. If I was you, I'd just sign us up for lessons or something. Search the local meetups for ballroom dance too. It's good for testosterone.


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## Runs like Dog

You're describing 2 different things: frumpy vs cold. Wifey is very frumpy around the house but it would not matter if she had the least interest in our marriage Attraction is attractive. I will admit I AM puzzled that over the years she's been piling on clothes: long sleeves, long sweats, hoodies. It was 97 deg yesterday. She goes to bed like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment

Runs like Dog said:


> You're describing 2 different things: frumpy vs cold. Wifey is very frumpy around the house but it would not matter if she had the least interest in our marriage Attraction is attractive. I will admit I AM puzzled that over the years she's been piling on clothes: long sleeves, long sweats, hoodies. It was 97 deg yesterday. She goes to bed like that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Runs ~
Does she have some other medical condition going on? When I was severely hypothyroid I could not ever get warm and always had 3 blankets on my side of the bed.


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## Runs like Dog

Who knows? She hasn't seen a doctor since 1994 and has declared she never will. Right now she's hacking like she has pneumonia - been going on 3 weeks. She won't do anything about it. At least my medical coverage covers ambulance.


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## MEM2020

Enchantment,
Same for me. Thyroid stuff is not fun. I was ALWAYS cold. 




Enchantment said:


> Runs ~
> Does she have some other medical condition going on? When I was severely hypothyroid I could not ever get warm and always had 3 blankets on my side of the bed.


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## Avery777

Some people are just never satisfied....

I normally average about 110-115 pounds at 5'2" and wieght has never really been a huge issue for me (though I am always looking to inprove my appearance).

Anyways about a year and a half ago I went on the shot for birth control (which is notorious for making people gain wieght quickly), and over the course of a three months I went from 110 pounds to 130 pounds. Uncomfortable with that weight, I switched my birth control and went on a diet to lose the weight. In a few months I went down to 105 lbs. 

His response? _I lost too much weight and now looked like a little girl._

I was pissed. Just when I was starting to feel comfortable with my body again and proud of myself for losing weight, he told me he wasn't as attracted to me. I asked him if he was into thicker women and he said no, but he wasn't into women who were too skinny either.

A month later though I got pregnant, so obviously, I gained the wieght back and then some going up to 155 pounds. 

He never commented on my weight (I guess he really didn't have to, because I let it be known that there was no way I was going to stay that way). 

_He did however let me know that he felt my boobs had gotten too big._ (I just had a child, so of course they got HUGE).

I had my son 4 months ago and though the weight hasn't come off as quickly as I would like, I am steadily losing weight and am down to 130 pounds (I would like to lose another 20). I am happy with that, so long as I am steadily losing weight (I didn't put it on overnight, so it's not going to come off overnight).

His new complaint? _"Your boobs are too small now. I mean seriously, you lost about 10 pounds in those things!"_
I tried telling him when women lose weight, they tend to lose weight in their boobs first. Also, I wan't breastfeeding anymore so of course they are going to be alot smaller then they were. But he is insisting that I could have lost the weight without losing my boobs. (WTF?)

I guess my point is some people are never satisfied, and I have learned what really counts is how you feel about yourself. 
Same goes with your wife. I wonder if she lost the weight is there something else that you would find wrong with her appearance? If you truely loved her, the weight wouldn't be so much of an issue for you. (Personally, if my husband gained 40 pounds I wouldn't love him any less, much less be "repulsed" by him.) 

My advise is, if you really want her to lose the weight, do not *by any means *tell her that you think she has gotten too big and certainly don't tell her that you are "repulsed" by her. Anything you tell her about her weight isn't something that she doesn't already know and doesn't already critcize herself about already. I'm sure she has also already picked up on the fact that you aren't as attracted to her anymore, so she doesn't need to hear it. We are our own worst critics and the last thing she needs is the one person who she is counting on the most to love and support putting her down, and making her feel worse than she already does.

Instead, if you really want her to lose weight, be her biggest supporter. Make it about her health, not her weight. Suggest you two start exercising together, buy healthier foods, cook healthy meals together, find a babysitter so she can workout or you can together. Don't ask her to do anything that you aren't willing to do yourself. Even if you don't need to lose weight, if she has someone beside her every step of the way motivating her and going on this journey with her, it's *very likely she will lose weight*. It's not enough for you to sit on the couch, munching on snack foods, while telling her she needs to exercise and eat healthier. Trust me, she will just resent you for that. Start thinking of yourself as a team (which you are suppose to be, remember?). You will get much farther if you stop seeing this as something that is "her problem"....you're married it's _"your problem"._


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## bossesgirl26

This is a sensitive topic in my marriage now. My husband still wants sex, daily. However he has told me over past couple years how he is not attracted to me, I am too overweight and my fat is not sexy. The worst, most hurtful thing he has ever told me was in December. He told me he is embarrassed to be seen with me. I have known he didn't like my weight, but to say that to me was the worst thing ever. I can't get it out of my mind. However it did explain alot of things over past few years. Like how he never wears his wedding ring, walks ahead of me everywhere, never puts his arm around me,etc. I found out he didn't wanna be seen with me when he refused to go to his work Christmas party. He is a fireman and had recently switched stations. Apparently he does not want anyone to know what I look like. Which explains why he would never take me to the Firefighter convention that comes here yearly. Yes I need to lose weight, but I am not some ugly slob. I am beautiful, have long dark hair, keep nails done, eyebrows, toes done, wear stylish clothes, have nice make up, etc. Just be careful of what and how you say it. I am so hurt by my husband. I don't have a problem with him wanting me to lose weight, just all the other mean comments. Now I am so desperate for affection, attention and acceptance I feel like a weirdo that just wants a good looking man to be nice and compliment me.


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## Kevan

bossesgirl26 said:


> This is a sensitive topic in my marriage now. My husband still wants sex, daily. However he has told me over past couple years how he is not attracted to me, I am too overweight and my fat is not sexy. The worst, most hurtful thing he has ever told me was in December. He told me he is embarrassed to be seen with me. I have known he didn't like my weight, but to say that to me was the worst thing ever. I can't get it out of my mind. However it did explain alot of things over past few years. Like how he never wears his wedding ring, walks ahead of me everywhere, never puts his arm around me,etc. I found out he didn't wanna be seen with me when he refused to go to his work Christmas party.


bossesgirl26, this is very troubling. From your other posts about your husband's dominance, it sounds as if you are very devoted to him. But his disrespect for you isn't dominance, it's just being an a**hole.

I'm skeptical that his lack of attraction to you "explains" his disrespect for you in public. It's not about you or about your weight at all. It's about his refusal to live up to his marriage promise to cherish you for better or for worse.


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## YoungMommy23

In the past 2 years ive had 2 kids...therefore i was/ am aware i have some weight to lose....My husband told me he was no longer attracted to me about 6 months ago......hes overcome that and Im slowly shedding the pounds...but each time he compliments me it doesnt mean anything, bc be basically ripped my heart out when he told me I was not attractive to him anymore....i suggest not telling her..bc like you my husband has a "perfect" body...and doesnt understand what its like to be battling such a large number of excess baggage to lose.


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## Roooth

Runs like Dog said:


> And for the record, for as long as I've been a man, which is pretty much forever, the thick girls were always way hotter in the sack. All glory to the curves.


Where is the "like" button???


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## grendelsmom

I guess one of the benefits of always having been fat is marrying a man who loves me this way.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

This is a tough one and one that I struggle with. My wife has gained about 160 lbs in the 19 years we've been married. We have two kids and I've read a number of similar posts with replies that can be summarized as "how dare you! She gave you two kids. It's about love, you selfish piece of s**t" Well, my wife gained most of her weight prior to kids and I struggled with it then. I am not sexually attracted to obese women and never have been. There is a difference between morbidly obese and overweight. 40 lbs is overweight and I know many people who have lost at least that much with moderate disciplined effort. I don't think I would have lost my attraction to my wife if she was merely 40 lbs overweight. I think most of the people who respond this way may have gained weight, maybe by childbirth and are offended at the thought ... but I can't put my arms around my wife. I can't lay on top of her and kiss her during sex because of the size of her stomach. Several hundred people work at my office and I can think of two people who might be as large as her. I know many women who are marginally overweight that I find very attractive and sometimes it's difficult to keep my mind from wandering. I know that may be different for you ... that is simply my perspective. To those who say it is all about love ... well, there IS a difference between love and sexual attraction. Obviously the best situation is if you both love your wife and are sexually attracted to her. I don't think I can leave my wife simply because I've lost my sexual desire for her BUT it KILLS me that I may never have an active sex life again AND it also KILLS me that I can't provide that to her. Oh, I've tried everything I can think of ... I am very fit and athletic, especially for my age and I've tried countless times to change the menu in the house, get her to go to the gym with me, just take a walk ... I've done it overtly and subtely. I've expressed my concern about her health ... about the future of her children. She has told me in no uncertain terms, she is allergic to sweat. I've tried to accept that it won't be any different and try to force myself to be attracted to her. I've also tried to accept that my sex life is over and I might as well be in my early 70's instead of my early 40's. I've tried to reason that it is ok to leave her because she will find someone who DOES find her attractive and I will find someone who finds me attractive ... but then I think of my two beautiful daughters. I try to put the shoe on the other foot ... what if I'm in an accident that leaves me disfigured ... how hurt would I be if she left me. I've tried every "jedi mind trick" in the book to deal with this, lol. She is a good person and I am loathe to break her heart ... right now she just thinks I'm not very sexual and that couldn't be further from the truth. I am naturally an affectionate and sexual person. I don't want to tell her exactly how I feel and I can't imagine leaving her over something like that ... but I also can't imagine going through life without physical intimacy. It's very difficult.


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## Ghost88

manintheworld said:


> Thanks for the replies, though its not really what I wanted to hear. First, I do not need to lose any weight. I am in great, px90 kind of shape. I do regular, vigorous excercise, and she wants no part of that. Most of you said to love her for who she is, not how she looks, but I view the weight as reflecting her commitment to me and our relationship. She gained the weight at a point in time when she was hostile and blaming me for lots of things. We have worked to get past these issues, but the weight is still there, unignorable, and conveying to me that she is not interested in being a wife.
> I believe that her appearance goes to the core of what is problematic in our relationship and dealing with it honestly would lead to other underlying issues. I get what you are saying about the resentments that build around the weight issue. But what is a spouse's responsibility in a marriage in terms of maintaining their attractiveness to their wife/husband?


I agree with part and disagree with part. But I am there too. My side - very fit, super active and way healthy. And I am over 50, but really in our social circle that is not that unusual. My wife added 25 pounds and it bothered me for sure. The worst part is that it really impacted her self-confidence, sense of self and sexuality. In other words, the problem really effected our relationship but was so much more about her than it was about me. 

I've done it all to encourage her to be more active, etc. I know she wants to but nothing I could say made a damn bit of difference. Like you, it's not like I could say "hey let's do this together". 

She just lost about 20 pounds, and I have no idea why this time and not another. All I can do is encourage the hell out of it, being as clear as I can how attracted I am.


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## artemisxlr8

My bf told me he was repulsed by my weight after I had my son. I had gained 27 pounds. To this day, there is a part of me that doesn't want to be intimate because I hear those words in my head. I feel like I would be pretending to be intimate. But I do it anyway. 

Please don't ever tell her that. Keep that inside your own head. Once those words are out, they can't be taken back.

Instead, look around where you live. Do you live near an amusement park of some kind? One of the things we did together is get an annual pass to Disneyland, and we walk nights and one night on the weekend. Of that 27 pounds, I have lost 22. 

Don't ever suggest a gym, women see through that faster and the only thing you'll get is animosity. Your type of exercise commitment various greatly from what hers may be. 

When I was young, I loved the gym. Was a body builder. As I got older and broke many bones through sports endeavors, not so much. It is my least enjoyale way to exercise. Don't hold that against her.

Go bowling, bike riding, swimming, miniature golf, hiking, anything you can do together. Try to join one of those city type treasure hunts, where you have to walk all over a city to find thigns. Or even, why not go to a large city near your home, pick a category, and go to that type of store. Blog on it together. Even if it's healthy resaurants.

If she has a medical limiation, please take that into consideration. Even if she suffers from depression. I'm sure through the issues you've been having and the weight gain, she may be depressed, or the extra weight makes it harder for her to move around.

Have you always been health conscious and exercise on a regular basis? Perhaps, for you, you want to make sure you are appealing at all times, not just to your wife, but to anyone you meet. Now, look at your wife, has she been like that the whole time you've known her? Right now, she could be wrapped up in her own head, and she can't find the way out. Instead of thinking she's doing this to be mean, to disrepect you, or say you aren't worth her trying, be a leader and try to help her out of there. 

Don't expect her to process or do things the way you do. They may seem orderly and expedient and it works for you. Find out what works for her. Find something small that she focused energy on and was successful with, and try to apply that.

You made a vow to love her. In your head you may think, she should do this for you. You shouldn't have to do everything. Think of the person you fell in love with and see where it all changed, and figure out, how did you play a part in it, whether you feel it is right or wrong, and see if you can find it. 

We all get lost, think we are worthless, and when a woman is told that her own husband is repulsed by her, it only validates that sense of worthlessness. Why bother trying to lose this weight if he's only going to up and leave me anyway. It's his way of messing with me, because he's angry I'm this way. These are some of the thoughts she may experience.

These are only suggestions. It may help or not. And I can see how you are annoyed by those who say love her for the way she is. You can love who she is, but you certainly may not like what she is doing. Part of the job of a spouse is to help the other spouse who is lost, to find their way. Not YOUR way, but HER way.

Good luck.


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## east2west

Married 20 years said:


> I agree with the above posters. She will not be motivated to lose weight simply to be more pleasing to you. It's not that a woman doesn't ever want to please a man, but if that's her reason for losing weight she's likely to gain it right back when you're having your differences... Women want to be loved for who they are on the inside, not how they look on the outside.
> 
> As a woman, I would be very motivated to exercise alongside my husband. Spending time together and focusing on a healthier lifestyle is great for your marriage. One caveat though, avoid making the form of exercise competitive. For example, if you go for a bike ride with your wife don't make it about who's going fastest. And try to choose activities that your wife will enjoy doing. If she's not a runner, don't press her to become a runner all of a sudden. Make it fun.


I disagree with the part about "women want to be loved for who they are on the inside". Women only say that when they are overweight. When they lose the weight they love the extra attention that a fit woman gets.

My wife has lost a lot of weight, we did insanity together, and it is all worth it just to see her more confident with her body and her looks than she was before.

By the way, I recommend that method, doing insanity together. The program works fast and suffering through it together will bring you closer. And you don't have to go to any gym or pay for membership.


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## Couleur

My only advice is to ask your wife if she is willing to work on your marriage.

If yes, suggest that the two of you read His Needs, Her Needs. If you read it together, one chapter at a time, you'll get to the chapter that talks about how the "typical" man wants an attractive wife. And, if you are talking about each chapter and how it relates to your own feelings, you'll have a chance to say, "yes, in all honesty, I do wish you were fitter." 

Of course, you'll also be reading the chapters that talk about how typically women appreciate a man who spends quality time with them, who will talk with them, show them affection, be committed to the family, etc. And, presumably, you'll have a chance to hear about some areas in which you could step it up as well.

In sum -- this conversation will only work if 1) you find a way to impress on your wife how seriously her weight gain has affected your feelings for her and 2) allow the conversation to be a two-way street and genuinely open up to your wife and engage her in the process of better addressing both of your needs.


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## Open up now let it all go

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> This is a tough one and one that I struggle with. My wife has gained about 160 lbs in the 19 years we've been married. We have two kids and I've read a number of similar posts with replies that can be summarized as "how dare you! She gave you two kids. It's about love, you selfish piece of s**t" Well, my wife gained most of her weight prior to kids and I struggled with it then. I am not sexually attracted to obese women and never have been. There is a difference between morbidly obese and overweight. 40 lbs is overweight and I know many people who have lost at least that much with moderate disciplined effort. I don't think I would have lost my attraction to my wife if she was merely 40 lbs overweight. I think most of the people who respond this way may have gained weight, maybe by childbirth and are offended at the thought ... but I can't put my arms around my wife. I can't lay on top of her and kiss her during sex because of the size of her stomach. Several hundred people work at my office and I can think of two people who might be as large as her. I know many women who are marginally overweight that I find very attractive and sometimes it's difficult to keep my mind from wandering. I know that may be different for you ... that is simply my perspective. To those who say it is all about love ... well, there IS a difference between love and sexual attraction. Obviously the best situation is if you both love your wife and are sexually attracted to her. I don't think I can leave my wife simply because I've lost my sexual desire for her BUT it KILLS me that I may never have an active sex life again AND it also KILLS me that I can't provide that to her. Oh, I've tried everything I can think of ... I am very fit and athletic, especially for my age and I've tried countless times to change the menu in the house, get her to go to the gym with me, just take a walk ... I've done it overtly and subtely. I've expressed my concern about her health ... about the future of her children. She has told me in no uncertain terms, she is allergic to sweat. I've tried to accept that it won't be any different and try to force myself to be attracted to her. I've also tried to accept that my sex life is over and I might as well be in my early 70's instead of my early 40's. I've tried to reason that it is ok to leave her because she will find someone who DOES find her attractive and I will find someone who finds me attractive ... but then I think of my two beautiful daughters. I try to put the shoe on the other foot ... what if I'm in an accident that leaves me disfigured ... how hurt would I be if she left me. I've tried every "jedi mind trick" in the book to deal with this, lol. She is a good person and I am loathe to break her heart ... right now she just thinks I'm not very sexual and that couldn't be further from the truth. I am naturally an affectionate and sexual person. I don't want to tell her exactly how I feel and I can't imagine leaving her over something like that ... but I also can't imagine going through life without physical intimacy. It's very difficult.


This guy just did a 1 year bump on this thread... might as well created a new one.

Anyhow your wife is slowly committing suicide with that lifestyle. I really don't understand that weight gain is such a sensitive issue that we rather let people eat themselves to death then actually speak out loud about it.

Has she seen a doctor or something? Can it be something medical?


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## JustSomeGuyWho

lol ... I wasn't looking at the dates when I responded. 

No, there are no medical issues. In fact, she is fairly disciplined about health exams and her weight does not go unnoticed by the doctor. She has had all of the normal tests (thyroid, etc.) to determine if there was an underlying medical issue. She has consulted dieticians, specialists, etc. It isn't as if she isn't aware she is carrying around too much weight. 

She and I have two different mindsets about losing weight (and other things). In the absence of underlying medical reasons, I view it more as a math problem. Burn more calories than you consume. It requires a change in lifestyle and discipline. It isn't an overnight process ... after all, nobody just decides one day they are going to run marathons and then go out and do it the next day. She may not be able to lose all the weight but with diet, exercise and time she should be able to get down to a healthy weight, a pound at a time. Nobody accomplishes anything great in their life without a great deal of consistent effort or discipline. Her mindset is completely different. She would prefer that there was an underlying medical condition because then there would a cure. Take a pill and her weight will go away. She will try anything that promises a quick solution. She has little patience for anything else. She certainly doesn't want me to see her sweat. IMO, sweat is hot. Unfortunately it has gotten to the point that the moderate exercise she might get from cleaning the bathroom leaves her drenched in sweat. For her, it isn't a logical problem to be solved, it is an emotional one. Of course, I can help her and have offered. There is nothing I would say that is any different than a specialist. Unfortunately, you can lead a horse to water but ... 

Now, there were quite a few problems in our marriage, her weight being very low on the priority list (but certainly lack of intimacy contributed). It led to a separation. The point of the separation was not divorce but to get ourselves out of the day to day frustrations and anger and regroup so that we could get to the root of the problems. We went through marriage counseling and ultimately reconciled. Interestingly the marriage counselor was very concerned about her weight as well and brought it up several times. She was discreet about it and was never accusatory or attempted to draw a relationship to our marital problems ... simply genuine concern. During the course of the sessions and since then we have communicated openly about our wants and needs ... with this single exception. I have not been completely open and direct about this but I have broached the subject in hopes that she would come to that conclusion but that has not worked. She wants, needs, expects for me to think of her the only person I could ever be attracted to ... in her words and actions ... and I am unable to be that for her. In her own way she is a beautiful person but that doesn't translate into physical desire for me.


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## Therealbrighteyes

I have a very unpopular opinion here as a woman. Here goes:
Your wife has gained 160 pounds during the course of your marriage. She is no longer the person you married and has willfully and recklessly decided to care so little about you that she would pack on the pounds. After she has changed physically in to a completely different person, she wants you to lie and say everything is okay and that she is still attractive to you. 

Physical attraction is the very basis for which we pair up. It isn't the only reason but it certainly is the first. For a partnership to remain healthy, each person within that partnership has a duty to try and stay as fit as possible. A choice not to is the same as telling your partner "I don't care enough about you to try and stay attractive". I fully understand that we all age, wrinkles appear and hair starts to thin. These are not things easily controlled but weight is. Barring a medical issue, there is no reason on earth why a grown person should gain 160 lbs in a lifetime let alone 19 years. You also say you feel guilty and mention what if you were in a car accident. Those two are totally different. One is beyond your control and the other is entirely within your control. One is an accident and disfigurement or limb loss would be through no fault of your own. The other is meal by meal, snack by snack, excuse by excuse and a complete disregard for yourself, your body and your partner.

My advice? Stop tap dancing around the issue/telling her she is attractive to you. You said you have not been open and direct about it and allow her to bully you in to telling her she is attractive and the only person you long for. Start by telling her the truth. It's easier said then done but it needs to be said. A new year is fast approaching. You have spent years telling her she is great and attractive the way she is so she has little incentive to change. In order for her to change, she needs to feel like there is a real possibility that she will lose you. If she then chooses not to change, well at least you did say your peace about it instead of lying to her saying she is great as she is. Your deception isn't doing her any favors at all. Perhaps the therapist can give you suggestions about how to word your feelings when you do finally confront her. It's tough but it needs to be said.


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## Sabariel

If it's all the same, I'd prefer to keep this existing thread open. It's good to have the continuity; nothing wrong with a year between posts, it gives people the complete picture without having to search.

Besides, I'm subscribed to this thread, but I don't use this forum in general. I'm interested to see the updates, and I won't see them if it's moved to a new thread.


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## Sabariel

I was in your wife's shoes a few years ago. Well, not to the extent of 160 lbs thank God, but I'd gained enough that my husband was finding me unattractive. It started to show up in our sex life, and I eventually confronted him about it. He reluctantly disclosed that he was not attracted to me because I had put on the weight and that he's never been attracted to larger women.

At first, I was just pissed. But eventually I cooled off, and realized he had a point. I made an effort and took off most of the weight I'd put on (not all of it, because we'd happened to meet when I was at my record low, and I'd been living on celery and salad and doing intense cardio and weights for 6 months, and it was unsustainable). Since then, there have been one or two periods where life has gotten the better of me, I'd gotten depressed, and started eating to console myself. But now I've found balance. I bike to school every day, even in the winter when it's -20C. I keep myself busy so that I can't just sit around on the couch and snack all day, which is really what does me in. In other words, I made lifestyle changes without having to take drastic measures that aren't sustainable.

So my point is, if you want this to change, you will need to tell her. Yes, it will be a difficult conversation. Yes, she will feel hurt. But your only other choices are a sexless marriage or divorce. She won't change of her own valition.

It's worth noting, my husband still feels occasional guilt for "what he did to me." I don't see it that way. I see it as he called me on my bull**** and triggered me to make life changes that were, ultimately, good for me.



JustSomeGuyWho said:


> In the absence of underlying medical reasons, I view it more as a math problem. Burn more calories than you consume.


Strictly speaking, it isn't quite that simple. Not all calories are created equal, and not all bodies handle different calories in the same way.

For example, in the absence of carbs, you can actually eat a surprising amount of fat and protein without it sticking. Carbs raise your blood sugar, which triggers insulin release. Insulin is the devil that attaches calories to your fat cells. Carbs include sugars and starches. "Low fat" food is usually the worst thing you can eat if you're trying to lose weight. They take out the fat and replace the taste with sugar. Sugar is what makes you fat.


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## Hall33

I am 100% against the idea in marriage that physicality means nothing and you should love the person no matter what. No, someone radically changing their bodies, whether by ignoring health and fitness or doing plastic surgery.

I want to be hot to my wife, and I want to stay that way for her, as well as myself. And my wife wants the same.

Though my wife has never had a weight issue like yours, she did have a negative associations with the gym, and just "not a gym person"

My wife started crossfit and it's a group weight training class, you'll be in class with men and women of various fitness levels, and it's social and motivating. 

After about 20 classes, my wife stated seeing dramatic results, and from that time on she's been totally into fitness.

Thats what your wife needs, to see results of putting in the work. My suggestion is to do something together, like personal training, a boot-camp, or crosfit.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Thank you for the suggestions and perspective. I am certainly not helping the situation by not being direct with her. TheRealBrightEyes mentioned that I've allowed her to bully me into telling her she is attractive. Actually, it is worse than that because I have not allowed her to bully me into that ... that is the way she wants me to feel ... but my reaction is to dance around the subject, telling her only what I feel I can say truthfully that may placate her. It is obvious she knows what I'm doing but not why, leaving it up to her own interpretation. I keep my guard up, not allowing myself to get invested. It is all a terrible lie; I am certain that in an effort to spare her feelings, I am doing quite the opposite. As you might imagine, this creates a great deal of stress.

artemisxlr8 suggested that I never tell her. That it will be held against me. Her bf told her he was repulsed by her 27lb weight gain. I can understand her reaction. While 27lbs is not nearly the same as 160lbs, it doesn't matter ... nobody wants to be made to feel repulsive. The difficult thing is that there are times that I look at her and I see the weight and I do feel repulsed ... that I see her as anything but a sexual person ... and yet she is not a repulsive person. She is a loving and attentive mom; she is an extremely ethical and trustworthy person; she loves her family; she is compassionate; she has a great laugh and a sense of humor that I am particularly attuned to; she is very social and can makes friends easily despite being an intensely private person. No doubt she has flaws that drive me crazy ... completely disorganized and messy to the extreme ... gross actually, terrible at finances, etc. but those are matters of lifestyle and not of her character. She is a person worth loving and a great friend for whom I have no physical attraction to simply because of her extreme weight. I do not under any circumstances want to make her feel repulsive and yet I fear that no matter how I spin it, that is how it will be interpreted. 

Also, a little about our separation. I separated from her after several years of a downward spiral in our marriage. Not only had she changed physically but I could hardly recognize the person she had become. When we had our first child she decided to become a stay at home mom; a decision I supported. She then started getting involved with an ultra-conservative religious group (putting it mildly). Now, our first child is very bright and at the point that she graduated preschool (early), she had already advanced to a 1st grade level ... but because of her age, it was unlikely in our district that we could get her into 1st grade. She would have to go to kindergarten, repeating what she had already learned for at least one, if not two years. Many of the families in her church home schooled and she wanted to give that a try so that our oldest could continue two grade levels ahead. I hesitantly agreed with a few stipulations, including standardized testing.

While it started out well, it turned into a disaster. She increasingly spent her time socializing with her home school buddies and very little time actually teaching. All her other time was spent at church functions, bible studies, etc. I work full time in a stressful job in information technology and would come home each night to a disaster. If I wanted to have things clean, I had to do it myself. I did the finances, grocery shopping, home/lawn/car maintenance. I would ask the kids what they did during the day and they would invariably say they went to so-and-so's house. "What about school? Well, we were going to do school at their house but it was too nice out so we played while mommy and mrs so and so talked, played cards, went shopping .... " They stayed up late and got up late. She did nothing. My oldest was not being challenged and my youngest was below her appropriate grade level. 

Religion and serving god became her lifestyle. Jesus became a fixture in every room in the house. Soon I found out that we would no longer be involved in that pagan holiday ... halloween, lol. Next I heard she was toying with the idea of not celebrating xmas (because it's not actually his birthday). Only christian music was appropriate for my girls and their dress code was conservative beyond reason. Saturdays were spent in fellowship and studying the bible with her group and Sunday was spent at church and who knows what else. I am not an atheist but I'm simply not involved in the church. I never saw them. From Saturday morning to Sunday night, they were gone. 

Sorry for being long-winded ... painting the picture. 

Our relationship was on a downward spiral. I felt I was communicating my feelings on all this ... she didn't. Frustration turned to resentment which turned into anger. Instead of fighting, we simply stopped talking. It was not a lifestyle I wanted to live, I was afraid for my kids for several reasons: 1) I wanted them in school, 2) this is not a lifestyle I wanted them to emulate, and 3) we were setting a poor example of what a father, mother, spouse should be. The stress of it all was greatly affecting my work and potentially putting my job at risk. I wanted to get control and I couldn't do it in the house. 

During our separation and marriage counseling, things degraded to the point that divorce seemed inevitable. She refused to take any precautions, including getting back to work. She threatened to take the kids and move in with her mom halfway across the country if I divorced her. Under no circumstances was she going to stop home schooling. I talked to a lawyer to prevent her from taking my kids but in order to do that I would have to file a legal separation. I live in a non-alimony state but there are a few exceptions and not working for 10 years was one of them. At that point, I was paying all her expenses plus additional money weekly . I was prepared to pay child support but after figuring in alimony I discovered that with my expenses, I simply couldn't afford to live ... her share worked out to more than 50% of my gross income (not my net) and bankruptcy would be a certainty. Worse yet, I figured aside from required child support, I would have little money for my kids (vacations, tuition, etc.) as they go through the rest of their childhood. Obviously I'm simplifying the financial/legal picture but at the end of the day ... dirt poor. 

I was able to convince her into meeting me halfway on school. We sent them to a charter school that was part-time home school. That helped her continue home-schooling while keep her accountable and it introduced my girls to a real classroom, creating a ripple effect. My girls thrived and eventually in a tearful and difficult admission, she conceded that it was the right decision and supported sending them full-time for the next semester. She took up a part-time job and suddenly she started to resemble her old self. Her ultra-conservative group of friends were not very supportive and they parted ways. We were able to make progress on our issues. There was a lot of growth required by both of us and that was very hard. Eventually, we moved back in together. She is a college graduate but she has gone back to school full-time to become a teacher; my kids continue to do well in school. I support her while she goes through school by taking care of the kids in the morning, getting them on the bus, helping with homework and putting them to bed. I enjoy doing that. She certainly has found her calling; I haven't seen that level of enthusiasm and confidence in years and she may be the top student in her program. I'm very proud of her for that. 

Things are never black and white are they? With all this effort and turmoil that got us to this point ... how do I now say ... well honey, we've been through so much, both of us have grown, you're doing great at school and seem happy, the girls are doing awesome ... but I'm really unhappy. Your weight has increased to the point that I'm no longer attracted to you. Physical intimacy is very important to me but without physical attraction, I do not want to have sex with you and I cannot continue to live like that. I'm sorry.




Sabariel said:


> Strictly speaking, it isn't quite that simple. Not all calories are created equal, and not all bodies handle different calories in the same way.
> 
> For example, in the absence of carbs, you can actually eat a surprising amount of fat and protein without it sticking. Carbs raise your blood sugar, which triggers insulin release. Insulin is the devil that attaches calories to your fat cells. Carbs include sugars and starches. "Low fat" food is usually the worst thing you can eat if you're trying to lose weight. They take out the fat and replace the taste with sugar. Sugar is what makes you fat.


No, I know I was simplifying. Until my marriage hit the steep part of the downhill slope, I did bodybuilding as a hobby. Can't do that without understanding protein, fat, carbs (simple/complex), when to eat what and how to manage your blood sugar. My point was really that there is no magic to it ... in principle it works the same way for everybody and with that understanding, you can figure out how to make it work for her and her goals. She knows this as much as I've talked about it. I really can help her, if she would let me.


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## endlessgrief

Goodboy said:


> I suggest you keep on loving her! loving her!! more and more. And sex her as often as you can. Praise and appreciate her for who and what she is. By the time the love you have for her has become the driving force of her life! she will agree with you.
> Like someone said above, you can decide to loss some pounds for the sake of what you wanted her to do. Never you force her to do that.


Excellent answer!!! Don't worry OP, she knows she is overweight and she knows you find her repulsive even though you haven't said it out loud.

I recently gained some weight because I am going through a depression with an alcoholic husband, no job prospects, and my family is behaving like jerks.

My husband won't even hug me anymore. He probably doesn't realize he is doing this, but I see it and I notice. So that means your wife notices too. And do you know what comes from noticing that your spouse is not attracted to you anymore? They go deeper into their hole of misery. 

Some people use food when they are not happy. Perhaps your wife gained weight because she was "comfort eating." Maybe she is unhappy about your marriage or something about you she won't talk about, hence, she eats. There may be more going on here than you know.


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