# Facebook Msgs and Text be damned



## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

I've suppected my husband of 19.5 years of having an affair. We've never had a great sex life and he's often said we were more like brother and sister/best friends.

Recently, we discussed this and decided to really work on it. I have been trying very hard to please him and we'd been doing pretty well.

Then I saw it. A facebook message from one of the women I suppected. She said things like "I'll be your shoulder to cry on" and "I'll miss you until then". I was so upset I couldn't read the entire message, so I'm not sure exactly what is going on - at the least it's an emotional affair.

I can't comfront him on this because he'll know I got in his facebook account.

I want to hire a PI, but can't afford it. What to do...


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Get a keylogger....track his phone...there are so many ways to track someone now a days.


That being said....you should of read the whole message and his response.









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

wiigirl said:


> Get a keylogger....track his phone...there are so many ways to track someone now a days.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I've thought about this, but I am VERY technically challenged, and he is very good with stuff like that - I'd get caught.

I will read the post the next time I'm able to get my hands on his phone...but he will probably delete it before I get the chance. I blew it.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Don't confront on what you saw. He'll just deny, and get better at hiding. Be patient, and look into snooping options. Tech challenged or not, you can do this. Your H may keep being sloppy with his messages if he knows you're tech challenged...may work in your favor.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> I've thought about this, but I am VERY technically challenged, and he is very good with stuff like that - I'd get caught.
> 
> I will read the post the next time I'm able to get my hands on his phone...but he will probably delete it before I get the chance. I blew it.


But what has been seen cannot be UNseen. You can take what you know and do something productive with it. Like ask probing questions. One that would surely get him off guard would be "who is ---" and then watch his reaction. No need to have a discussion either. As a matter of fact, I would only ask the one question and then change the subject. But I'm kind of evil like that.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Like ask probing questions. One that would surely get him off guard would be "who is ---" and then watch his reaction.


I wouldn't do that without snooping devices in place. He'll likely say, "Just a friend. Nobody. We don't talk at all." and then later send the OW a private message to be more careful.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> I wouldn't do that without snooping devices in place. He'll likely say, "Just a friend. Nobody. We don't talk at all." and then later send the OW a private message to be more careful.


I'm a sneaky girl though. He can say what he wants. I always find out what I want to know. All I would need is the confirmation on his face after mentioning her name.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I'm a sneaky girl though. He can say what he wants. I always find out what I want to know. All I would need is the confirmation on his face after mentioning her name.


Gotcha. Mine is a pretty skilled liar, so I'd need more.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Here's what you need to do.

1. Keep reading his FB messages. Who cares if he gets mad.
2. Check his call log and text on his cell phone to see how often he contacts the OW.
3. get a small hand-held voice recorder that you can strategically place in his car. Let the voice recorder run for 2-3 days then retrieve it. Check his cell phone call log again and FF to the times he made calls to her. listen to the conversation. It may only be one-sided, but it will give you enough info to proceed. Why a voice recorder in the car? Because people who cheat always talk to their lovers while driving. And the voice recorder is only about $35. cheaper than hiring a PI.

You should be able to think of other ideas such as gps on his phone, etc.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I wouldn't care if my husband got mad because I read his messages. Shouldn't be any in there you wouldn't want me reading would be my answer to that. That would be a very short conversation too.

Yes, I read your messages. And?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> Gotcha. Mine is a pretty skilled liar, so I'd need more.


I was married to a pathological liar. He got caught so many times it was a shame. He thought he was being so slick, would lie to my face, and go to great lengths to support his stories. Didn't matter, I still found out. I was young and dumb... had hope that one day he'd change and be the man I knew he could be. 

I finally came to my senses and left him. He is who he is.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Why can't you just ask your husband to open his facebook page right in front of you. What excuse could he possible give for saying no? There's something there I don't want you to read. Then you have your answer. I can ask my husband to hand me his phone and check it right in front of him. Our phones and laptop are laying all over with out being locked. We can check on each other at any time. You should try to put some openess in your marriage.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Is he ever late form work or works on weekends? Any other unaccounted for time?


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

The thing is people - and this sounds really bad - but my self-esteem is extremely low and I feel like he is the only person I have on this earth. So, I'm extremely scared of losing him. I would go to great lengths to make excuses for him. So what I find - has to be beyond a doubt.

He doesn't leave his phone unguarded - very rarely. I'm so scared of getting caught spying on him. He gets very mad and is already threatening to leave me over my jealousy.

Part of me, the logical part, says that he should just go. But my heart still wants to hang on and work things out. To work things out means that I have to be a meek little lamb.

I will get a VAR today. I'll have to be very sneaky about putting it in his car. He hardly ever lets me out of his sight when he's home. He drives me everywhere, so I'm rarely without him unless I'm at work - like now.

He has lots of opportunities to "meet up" with her. I know her, we've actually hung out together a few times. She comes on trips with us - short trips. He goes away for day trips on the weekends. He's actually taken her on a day trip with him without me. I was spineless. I said something about it -he said they were just friends. I said never again, he got mad and I backed down. I'm a pathetic loser. Sorry to be a downer. I'll try to not feel sorry for myself.

Thanks everyone for the advice.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Until you learn to love yourself you'll never be able to get out of this situation. Read some self help books not marriage book.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

He says that my jealously will push him to cheat if I keep it up. He says if he's going to be punished for it - he may as well do it. Should I just play the part of naive trusting wife until I can get some solid evidence - or do you think I already have that from what I read? :scratchhead: My sister thinks he's playing mind games with me. I just don't want to believe he could do that to me after 19 years of marriage. I guess (from reading) that the time you've been married really doesn't matter.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Sorry to be blunt but - if you know that you are not going to act on anything that you find (leave him or confront him), then why go through the trouble of gathering all this evidence?? You already have enough evidence to know that he's checked out of your marriage. What's knowing every little detail going to do for you? 

My advice - find a counselor for yourself. Work on your self esteem issues and loving yourself. Your focus should be on building yourself up, realize you don't have to live your life in the shadow of a man who holds you down and takes advantage of you (because that is what he's doing). Once you are ready to make the ultimate move - divorce , if that's what it takes, then you are in a position to gather evidence and confront.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

kag123 - you are absolutely right. I guess what I'm doing here is looking for logical - unbiased opinions, as my judgment is so clouded. I know from outside it looks black and white, but to me it's all foggy.

Good news is that I do have an appointment with a therapist. She's actually agreed to see me this Sunday based on my plea. And funny thing about that is - that he's encouraging that. That makes me think that maybe he wants me to be the one to end the relationship. Would that make sense?

I hate to think I'm wasting any of your time. I just need to talk it out until I get the support I need to either fight for my marriage or walk away from it. sigh


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

Update: A friend of mine told me that "they" were together eating. Together - we got into his FB account and I got to read the rest of the message. Needless to say, it wasn't good. Her last note to him said - "one day we'll be able to fall asleep in each others arms". Sounds pretty damning.

I packed enough for a couple of days and went to a hotel. He swears there was nothing physical and that he just needed to talk to someone about our relationship issues. He says he doesn't know why she would write him such messages.

What do you think? Total BS?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> Update: A friend of mine told me that "they" were together eating. Together - we got into his FB account and I got to read the rest of the message. Needless to say, it wasn't good. Her last note to him said - "one day we'll be able to fall asleep in each others arms". Sounds pretty damning.
> 
> I packed enough for a couple of days and went to a hotel. He swears there was nothing physical and that he just needed to talk to someone about our relationship issues. He says he doesn't know why she would write him such messages.
> 
> What do you think? Total BS?


What was he saying to her? Unless she's a complete psycho he encouraged that kind of talk from her. 

And if he needed to talk to someone that's what you or therapy is for. He ffed up.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

:iagree: Total BS!


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Total BS. That is not the first time she has spoken to him like that, and he knows exactly what is going on.

Now, the question is, do you want the marriage? If you want it, you need to stick your foot in his azz and hers. Not actually (well, maybe), but it's time for you to blow up this little fantasy.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm sorry that you're going through this, TDDUP. 

I hope you'll find a way to start appreciating and valuing yourself a lot more than you do now, because it's how you treat yourself that educates others about how they can treat you. 

I have several articles I think you may find helpful at my blog link below, if you're interested. Things that will help you figure out if you should stay or leave the relationship, how to do some positive affirmations to be a better friend to yourself, and how to find confirmation when you suspect wrongdoing. (Although it sounds like you've got plenty of information right now.) 

Right now, he thinks you'll cave because you always have. He won't change what he's doing unless he thinks his behavior will bring about a situation he doesn't want. I think getting a room for a couple of days was a good opening statement about how you feel.

Consider moving back and making him be the one to leave. Tell him to go sleep in her arms, because you're going to be busy preparing for divorce. Remind him that you're entitled to a fair share of the marital assets. If he claims he wants things to work, be firm and strong and tell him that there would be new rules that would have to be honored: Complete access to phone (and to your phone company's online billing so you can verify if texts have been deleted), computer keylogging with his full awareness but without knowing the name of the program or how to log in (I recommend SpectorSoft - it's super easy to install from a CD, easy to use, and when you install it you tell it a combination of three or four keyboard keys that must be pressed at the same time to access the files. Without pressing those keys, a person cannot see what has been recorded.) And finally, that the other woman will no longer be a part of your lives in any way. If he isn't willing to make your marriage a priority, then you *do* deserve someone who does.


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## shattered319 (Jul 30, 2012)

I am so sorry you're going through this. I am in a similar situation with my husband of a year and four.five months. It is devastating and i want to save the marriage so bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shattered319 (Jul 30, 2012)

It's never easy when it's an emotional affair. I just learned my husband of a year and four months idhaving one. He's not sure he can stop seeing her as he doesn't know how he feels. We were togerhernearly 3 years before we got married. This news blindsided me because I thought we were ddoing just fine. I don't know what to do, I still love him so much. I told him I am willing to save marriage. He just has decide if HE wants to. If he does one of the conditions will be an NC letter to tgeOW. She is also married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shattered319 (Jul 30, 2012)

Ugg stupid phone....meant the OW at the end of the message.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

This is awful! Im sorry you are being put through this and you done deserve it. He sounds emtionally abusive-very -and I dont care what people say--its abuse. Twenty years is alot of stuff/money/assets. I hope he is ready for that because the courts wont give him a choice. Unles he goes to one of those shopping mall "we will do your divorce for $200" and you sign it (please dont). You say you have low self esteem but seems to me you are certainly taking control of this situation. Proud of you girl! It took me 2 years of lies, gambling, phone #'s in pockets etcc... before I did something.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

QUOTE:_He says he doesn't know why she would write him such messages._


I bet she would be shocked to hear her boyfriend is basically making there relationship out to be nothing and labeling her a psycho.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

Another update - He has agreed to end things with her. Told her to stop texting him "because he asked her to" was the reason he gave her. Not because I'm in love with my wife. She sent me a message trying to tell me they were just friends etc. I called her on it and told her I saw the messages. She immediately blocked me. Then the next morning I secretly checked his fb and there was a msg from her promising it would be her last. She told him that she wrote me "like he asked her to" and it backfired. Only, a prior msg from her said that she would do anything to cover for him - so I'm afraid this message was really meant for me and not him. I'm getting really paranoid. One minute we are going to work things out - the next we are not. IDK, it's making me crazy.

Get this - he says he will be married, but he won't commit to working on the relationship. He thinks that it's because of my neglecting him that drove him to do this - therefore it is my issue(s) to be fixed and he wants actions not words. He said until he's convinced I really change - he won't commit. How f*ck up is that? He cheats and I'm to blame! And to top it off - I still want to save the marriage.

Thanks for the link to the articals - I'm going to check them out now.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Get this - he says he will be married, but he won't commit to working on the relationship. He thinks that it's because of my neglecting him that drove him to do this - therefore it is my issue(s) to be fixed and he wants actions not words. *He said until he's convinced I really change - he won't commit.* How f*ck up is that? He cheats and I'm to blame! And to top it off - I still want to save the marriage


He should have gotten the big F U. When you're unhappy in a marriage you talk to your partner about it, not initiate affairs with other people. If he had the maturity of more than a 5 year old he would know that.

Send them both off. Why do this to yourself?


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

It's called blame shifting. He's not man enough to admit his mistakes so they must be your fault. Don't listen to him. It'll make you crazy.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

Okay. So now I'm checking his Facebook email and text all the time. Before she had offered to lay low for him until things cooled down. How do I know that's not what's going on? I'm driving myself crazy thinking of all different ways they could be communicating!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> The thing is people - and this sounds really bad - but my self-esteem is extremely low and I feel like he is the only person I have on this earth. So, I'm extremely scared of losing him. I would go to great lengths to make excuses for him. So what I find - has to be beyond a doubt.


Do you have any family? What about friends? 

The way you deal with this is you start working on yourself. You start to broaden your horizons. Go so individual counseling. Find a support group for women in your situation. Join groups that do things you enjoy doing. 

Do volunteer work.

If you don’t know of any groups to join go to this web site and look in your area: Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup.
If you have no one to go with and feel odd going by yourself, ask someone at work to go with you. 

Or just go, everyone at these meet-ups understand that the issue is that in today’s society it is very hard to just meet people to do things with. So they should welcome you with open arms. I a group is not welcoming, just try another.

If your husband thinks it’s odd that you are trying to get out on your own, just tell him that you think part of your problem with jealousy is that you are alone so much. That if you got into healthy activities with other women you would probably not focus on the jealousy as much. Tell him anything you need to so you can get out and start building a social network of supportive friends.


TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> He doesn't leave his phone unguarded - very rarely. I'm so scared of getting caught spying on him. He gets very mad and is already threatening to leave me over my jealousy.


What kind of phone does he have?


TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> Part of me, the logical part, says that he should just go. But my heart still wants to hang on and work things out. To work things out means that I have to be a meek little lamb.


Does he yell, put you down, throw things, hit you? Etc? Why do you have to be meek as a lamb. What does he do to put you in this position?


TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> I will get a VAR today. I'll have to be very sneaky about putting it in his car. He hardly ever lets me out of his sight when he's home.


When you get a VAR get some strong Velcro strips. They should have adhesive on one side. Put one part of the strip on a hidden surface of the car and one on the back of the VAR. This way the VAR will not slide out when the car moves around.


TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> He drives me everywhere, so I'm rarely without him unless I'm at work - like now.


Why does he drive you everywhere? Don’t you have your driver’s license? Don’t you have a car?


TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> He has lots of opportunities to "meet up" with her. I know her, we've actually hung out together a few times. She comes on trips with us - short trips. He goes away for day trips on the weekends. He's actually taken her on a day trip with him without me. I was spineless. I said something about it -he said they were just friends. I said never again, he got mad and I backed down. I'm a pathetic loser. Sorry to be a downer. I'll try to not feel sorry for myself.


You are not a pathetic loser. Stop that way of speaking about yourself. You are a woman whose husband is putting her in a terrible position. There are things you need to do to get stronger and be assertive in a way that will either get him to respect you or that will make you strong enough to leave him.. which-ever is needed.

Stick around here. We will help you get there.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> Get this - he says he will be married, but he won't commit to working on the relationship. He thinks that it's because of my neglecting him that drove him to do this - therefore it is my issue(s) to be fixed and he wants actions not words. He said until he's convinced I really change - he won't commit. How f*ck up is that? He cheats and I'm to blame! And to top it off - I still want to save the marriage.


Oh *NO NO NO NO NO*! He is, as Hopefull said, blame shifting. He is trying to justify his actions. There is NO justification for cheating.... *ZERO*.... *NONE*!! 

What you NEED to do is tell him that for a marriage to WORK it takes *BOTH* partners to put in the necessary work. And, because he CHEATED, he needs to prove to YOU that he can be trusted again! And yes, he cheated. May not have been physical, but it was cheating. Don't let him put this all on you! 

Now, he said he felt neglected. In what way(s)? These are things he should have told you from the start instead of trying to hook up with some tramp. 

Seriously, TDDUP, if he doesn't want to commit to making the marriage work, kick him out. You can't work on the marriage alone. You need him to be a willing and equal participant.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> *Do you have any family? What about friends? *
> 
> I have started going to counseling for myself. I have friends, but they are all involved in this club where he met with OW. My family doesn't live close but we chat by phone.
> 
> ...


thank you.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

Any thoughts on how I can find out if he's set up an additoinal facebook account? He was using his computer one night and I happened to get a glance. He had two FB tabs across the top. I don't know if that means he had two versions open (why would he do that?) of if he had two fb screens open.

He's going away soon on a trip (work). I've read somewhere that you can print out the entire history of a fb account. Does anyone know how to do this?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

If it was in the same browser, it was likely one account, two pages. I do that sometimes, myself. 

Regarding multiple FB accounts... do you know any other email addresses he may have? If so, see if any of them are associated with FB.

Regarding printing out fb history... I tried that. But it didn't include the OW's messages to/from him. Not sure if it was because she was already blocked on there or what. I chose not to unblock to find out!

But:

1. Account settings
2. General account settings
3. Download copy of Facebook data.

Warning: It sends an email to the address associated with the account when the data is ready.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

His cell phone.. there are people here who know how to download all of the text's from a cell. Do you have access to his cell bill? If not..why not? If you do look for numbers he's calling.

I think you would benefit greatly from expanding your network of friends. Take a look at Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup This site has tons of things to do. When I showed it to my 20 something kids even they thought it was 'cool'. They are now planning on going to some of the listed events. It's a great way to meet people and do interesting things.

He must of had two facebook windows open, not 2 facebook accounts. You cannot have two facebook accounts open on the same computer at the same time. I've tried it. It does not work.



To down load the entire fb history, go to the little down arrow next to HOME 

*HOME* -> *Account Seetings* -> "*Download a copy of your Facebook data*." 

at the bottom of the list of setting sections you will see "*Download a copy of your Facebook data*."


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Warning: It sends an email to the address associated with the account when the data is ready.


Yes, big flashing WARNING. If you don't intercept that message in his account, he'll know you're on to him.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> He has lots of opportunities to "meet up" with her. I know her, we've actually hung out together a few times. She comes on trips with us - short trips. He goes away for day trips on the weekends. He's actually taken her on a day trip with him without me. I was spineless. I said something about it -he said they were just friends. I said never again, he got mad and I backed down. I'm a pathetic loser. Sorry to be a downer. I'll try to not feel sorry for myself.
> 
> Thanks everyone for the advice.


From the very beginning of when my husband and I started dating we made a rule that neither of us could hang out with a person of the opposite sex alone. It had nothing to do with not trusting one another or anything of that sort, but it was to prevent each other from being in situations that can turn into temptations. Everyone that cheats always says they were "just friends" or some other bs answer. I have known so many men from my own extended family who have cheated and seen what they've done. I never wanted it to even be possible, so the rule was talked about and we both agreed to it. You deserve better and don't put yourself down for his actions. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions and you need to stand up for yourself. Take care.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> From the very beginning of when my husband and I started dating we made a rule that neither of us could hang out with a person of the opposite sex alone. It had nothing to do with not trusting one another or anything of that sort, but it was to prevent each other from being in situations that can turn into temptations. Everyone that cheats always says they were "just friends" or some other bs answer. I have known so many men from my own extended family who have cheated and seen what they've done. I never wanted it to even be possible, so the rule was talked about and we both agreed to it. You deserve better and don't put yourself down for his actions. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions and you need to stand up for yourself. Take care.


That's a rule everyone in a relationship should be following. Going out with a member of the opposite sex alone while in a relationship is inappropriate.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

You need to tell your husband that he's completely out of his mind. One person can not go off and fix the marriage by themselves. He clearly has his own issues and is crazy to think you're the only one that needs to change. You need to put your foot down immediately and give him the ultimatum. Either you both work on the marriage together or you might as well file for divorce. There's no ifs, and or buts about it.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> That's a rule everyone in a relationship should be following. Going out with a member of the opposite sex alone while in a relationship is inappropriate.


I _totally _agree, and we had this understanding (unspoken) in the past. Now he says I'm hung up on my jealousyl saying that men and women can't be friends. How do I get past that?

He was in a really chipper mood this morning. Then he told me he was going to cut out of work to go to a close town to pick something up that he'd ordered. Today is the OW's day off, so this set off alarms right away. As soon as I could I checked his fb account. There was a birthday notice of a woman that I don't know. I'm now afraid she set up a bogus fb account to become friends with him.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> He must of had two facebook windows open, not 2 facebook accounts. You cannot have two facebook accounts open on the same computer at the same time. I've tried it. It does not work.


To clarify... you can have two open on the same _computer_, but not in the same *browser*. I have mine open on one browser and the one hubby and I share open on another browser at the same time, quite often.



> To down load the entire fb history, go to the little down arrow next to HOME
> 
> *HOME* -> *Account Seetings* -> "*Download a copy of your Facebook data*."
> 
> at the bottom of the list of setting sections you will see "*Download a copy of your Facebook data*."



And, to reiterate... doesn't necessarily mean you will get everything. Can't remember if you said messages were deleted or if she is now blocked. But if either is true, you won't necessarily get everything. I did exactly as described in the quote and it didn't have any of the conversations with OW on hubby's account.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> And, to reiterate... doesn't necessarily mean you will get everything. Can't remember if you said messages were deleted or if she is now blocked. But if either is true, you won't necessarily get everything. I did exactly as described in the quote and it didn't have any of the conversations with OW on hubby's account.



So, if I know for certain, that he's deleted his messages to her, but some of her's to him are still there - this won't do me anygood? I can still see some of her messages to him as they are just in his message folder in his account.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> So, if I know for certain, that he's deleted his messages to her, but some of her's to him are still there - this won't do me anygood? I can still see some of her messages to him as they are just in his message folder in his account.


Don't know. Some have been able to, from what I have read. I was not. If you think you can intercept the message saying the download is ready, or that he won't care... try it.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> Okay. So now I'm checking his Facebook email and text all the time. Before she had offered to lay low for him until things cooled down. How do I know that's not what's going on? I'm driving myself crazy thinking of all different ways they could be communicating!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This will drive you nuts. My gut has burned a few times in the past, and I checked up on a few things for months at a time. I never found a smoking gun, but I read shyte that still bothers me. Thing is, though, that unless you do this for a living, you can't monitor all forms of commo, and you can't do this long term. You may have to decide at some point soon to trust him, or walk. 

Sorry. I know it sucks.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Stop with the checking up on things. The affair if still going on has certainly moved underground at this point. Once you confront without concrete evidence that's what happens. What you need to do is sit your husband down and tell him how it's going to be. You both work on this things or there's no hope. This includes no contact with this other person and a clear set of boundries. If this can't be followed than you're both living your own lives inside of the same household.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> The thing is people - and this sounds really bad - but my self-esteem is extremely low and I feel like he is the only person I have on this earth. So, I'm extremely scared of losing him. I would go to great lengths to make excuses for him. So what I find - has to be beyond a doubt.
> 
> He doesn't leave his phone unguarded - very rarely. I'm so scared of getting caught spying on him. He gets very mad and is already threatening to leave me over my jealousy.
> 
> ...




You sound like me five years ago. And your husband sounds like mine if I would only let him do whatever he wants. My husband would love if I would let him take another woman out for the day, while I sit at home pining for him, I'm sure. At least that's what he would have wanted a month ago before I gave him the ultimatum that he either stops the BS or I'm out of here.

Your H has said he will leave you because of your jealousy? Why? Maybe because he went on his own special trip with this woman that you've met a few times? And keeps her around to go on little trips with you and him while you should be spending Quality time with your H?? Red Flag! He doesn't want the inconvenience of you asking him questions, so he doesn't have to answer them falsely. What a selfish man to be putting you through this!

Sorry, I haven't been married nearly as long as you have, but I've been around this mountain before many times, and I'm sick of men like this. 

You are a good wife, with good morals, and a good heart. Do not let him get you down. You deserve better than this! But at the same time, keep level headed. Know that you are better than this crap.

Get sneaky! Look at his phone when you think it's the best time to...don't let him catch you. Take a picture or something of the evidence on his phone. Go look at his Facebook messages or whatever it is you found of that woman he's been hanging around. Make sure you read all of it, and take pictures with whatever you have on hand. 

Has he ever done these kinds of things before to you? Is this the first time you've found anything like this? How often does he try to make you feel unwanted or like you always do everything wrong? He just sounds like my H, or what my H used to be like for the most part.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

To put it simply your husband is mad because you've wrecked his little fantasy world. Now he's taken it underground and wants you to be in the position of worrying about you being the problem and the marriage failing. Like I said you can take this advice or not take it. You need to tell him that he either commits 100% to the marriage or it's over. That includes enough with the computer and Facebook.


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## CMYK (Aug 6, 2012)

This is just my opinion, but I don't see that there is anything to be gained by snooping other than driving yourself crazy. You already know something is going on, and that's all you need to know. I agree with the people who have said that you need to have a heart-to-heart with your husband about your marriage. Forget about anyone else, and focus on the relationship the two of you have, what you want and need from it, and what needs work. He will either be willing to work on it or not. If he truly wants to work on it, he'll drop the chick on the side.

The only thing I might say about the affair, if it were me, is that you won't tolerate him seeing anyone on the side. Then I'd leave it at that.

Best of luck


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> To put it simply your husband is mad because you've wrecked his little fantasy world. Now he's taken it underground and wants you to be in the position of worrying about you being the problem and the marriage failing. Like I said you can take this advice or not take it. *You need to tell him that he either commits 100% to the marriage or it's over.* That includes enough with the computer and Facebook.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

*AND FOLLOW THROUGH IF HE TRIES TO PUSH IT BACK ON YOU!*


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> Get this - he says he will be married, but he won't commit to working on the relationship. He thinks that it's because of my neglecting him that drove him to do this - therefore it is my issue(s) to be fixed and he wants actions not words. He said until he's convinced I really change - he won't commit. How f*ck up is that? He cheats and I'm to blame! And to top it off - I still want to save the marriage.


You said yourself that your sister thinks he is playing mind games with you. This is exactly what it is.

He is manipulating you. Making you frightened of confronting him, frightened of saying anything to him. Because it is all your problem and he will leave you if you continue to 'be so bad'. He won't leave you! At least not while you allow him to do as he pleases. If you begin to get tough on him, which is exactly what he needs, then yes, he may. But only because he wants a woman that will do all for him, need him, be there for him while he does what he likes. People are attracted to others for a reason. He wants you to be his doormat and that, it seems, is what you have been. He was probably attracted to your low self esteem, probably attracted to your neediness (if indeed you are needy, which I guess u are if you have low self esteem. No offense intended). Because low self esteem and needy means that he can do as he pleases and still have someone there, loving him and needing him at the end of it all. It is all about him, and it will always be so. 

He controls his doormat by his words and actions. Threatening to leave = control. Accusations of jealousy and whatever else = control. Controlling you by making it your problem, by making you allow him to philander and do exactly as he pleases because if you don't you will be accused of unreasonable jealousy and he will leave. 

He won't leave so long as you allow him to continue as he pleases. And that means accepting his uncaring self, his selfish behaviour, his infidelity. And once you stop allowing him that, you won't be fulfilling his 'needs' as a wife anymore. You won't be the wife he wanted. So yes, then he might leave. Or he might snap into a realisation, come back to earth. Though doubtful. That is my opinion anyway. 

I hope, and it sounds like you are, that you get stronger, more confident in yourself and asserting your needs. Your needs as a wife and as a human being.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> But what has been seen cannot be UNseen. You can take what you know and do something productive with it. Like ask probing questions. One that would surely get him off guard would be "who is ---" and then watch his reaction. No need to have a discussion either. As a matter of fact, I would only ask the one question and then change the subject. But I'm kind of evil like that.


:iagree:

Love it, A Bit, always such terrific replies!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Til Death, you're getting some great advice here, so I won't add to it...be strong. Your husband is a controlling man, and he's treating you like crap. You deserve so much more out of life. You CAN walk away from this.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

Hi - doormat here (I'm not offended - it's true) I still have a long way to go before I'm "strong enough". I believe that he saw her again on Friday, but I didn't get proof. I'm saving up for a PI (not cheap). Not to prove it to me - I'm already certain. But I want something to put in his face to show that it's beyond friendship and I can "prove" it. Thanks everyone.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

lilly, 

The thread is almost a year old. TilDeathDoUsPart hasn't be here since August 2012.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Oh sorry thanks for stoping me from creating a zombie...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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