# Husband buying ow leather trousers-should I care!



## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

I would welcome opions please. 

Background About a month ago i asked husband who was already planning to move out to leave. This was when I found some dodgy txting to a co worker. It was very recent, and nothing too bad but the end of the road for me.
I only had minimal contact with him since then, for daughters birthday. 

Last weekend we went out for a drink, discussed finances, but also had quite a nice time. Agreed we needed to keep it agreeable as neither of us can afford to get this messy. Mentioned briefly this txting and he denied any relationship. He said he does not know if he is happy or not. Seems the problems he has which led him to be alone have not decreased in any way. He is being really good about money ( I was recently made redundant, and have a very low wage). He has moved to a room nearby, and is paying for our house, and giving me money. Has said he cannot go on indefinitely with this amount, but at least for the next 3 months until hopefully, my money increases a bit. Is also very involved in care of my elderly parents.

Spoke at length to him on phone this Thursday as we planned to see each other once a week and see how we felt about it. (not as a reconciliation, but if we wanted to carry on doing it or let it drop). He has not been sleeping, and generally sounded flat. Said he had put down for lots of extra work this weekend, and I expected him to say could not see me, but he said he had planned so he could take me out Sunday. I was very surpised, said that was nice and that I appreciated him working so hard.

Now I come to the crunch! Today I logged onto e bay and I often use his account and my daughter and his watch list had a pair of leather trousers on it in my size. He has a thing about leather pvc etc. Now there is no way that he would be buying anything like that for me, friendly we may be, but that really would be too much!! For both of us. My daughter of 16 had sen them a couple of days ago and not wanted to tell me.
Well if they are not for me- they are for somone else or self-pleasure- I am not stupid. I would personally hate a second hand pair of leather trousers though, he has always bought me new in the past. Surely not the best thing to buy a new girlfriend? Also he knows my daughter is always on there looking for clothes and would see unless he just did not think.

Now surprisingly after being pretty annoyed to begin with, i have calmed down now and decided to go ahead with seeing him tomorrow and am thinking of not mentioning it. For these reasons.

I am not with him, and will knowing the truth how long has this been going on really help me etc etc

He is being fair withe the money and I don’t want to mess that up as it would really upset me to move home.

I genuinely feel he does miss me and our daughter and dog and home. Even if he has someone else he is hardly able to have much of a social life-could see her all the time at work-great)

Also I planned to go and check out if he was home later, and then go and check her house. Do you know I don’t have the energy- or want to waste my petrol! Or begin obsessing. I can go out tomorrow, have quite a nice evening. Feel sad for him as he has loads of issues which are not resolving, he works every hour under the sun, and has lost so much. I actually feel relaxed about my decision. Is this a true 180. It certainly feels like it is for me. 

I guess some people will think I am being a doormat? Love to hear from you all.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Well you are separated, this is the way he wants to go about it. You just need to continue with the 180 and just focus on you. It would be good for you to take a good look at what you think you could live with and set up some of your own ground rules for your separation, and let him know those rules. If you view his affair as adultery and can't have respect for yourself living with that then if he continues it is up to you to stick with your guns. It is hard to let go, I'm struggling with it all the time, but I know for me its over so I know what I have to do and am doing it. You can make it a hard decision or you can make it an easy one, the result is the same though.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Lon thanks for your reply, and it was nice to hear that somebody does not think I am completely mad.
I stupidly still love him very much as i know we have some great times, even last week in the midst of this. However I feel that lying is just a part of his personality, sort of inherent..
I think the fact that my heart is not racing, and I am not my usual anxious self is a sign that nothing now surprises me with him. I also really feel that I have the better deal (at the moment) I see my daughter all the time as she is with me, I have space, and other family around me. He has work and more work, and maybe a relationship?
I am not going to divorce him, can’t afford it. Will leave it until there is a need. I will continue the 180, except for the arranged meetings. He txt me last Tuesday asked if he could come and walk the dog- I simply replied ‘yes’. I have found it a bit difficult to fill the day and still have a whole night and day to get through. Let’s hope I can keep this up! I did print off the page as evidence though in case I decide to confront in the future, also he may buy them?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

reindeer, you definitely aren't the mad one... It is hard to let go when you are still in love with that person, in my case she kinda made the decision for me, her actions just hurt me so much and she is just gone, though there are times when we've done things together as a "family" and those are the times that are most painful so it is clear I need to be free from her. For awhile she actually believed there was a chance for us to somehow be best friends, but to me she just isn't able to acknowledge reality yet. If she had actually come back just once and tried to convince me she wanted to save the marriage this would have dragged on a lot longer, but now the intense part of the grieving process is behind me and I am strong enough to say enough is enough, she broke the marriage not me and it really is broken beyond repair.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

On an unrelated note my eyes keep moving past the "ow" part and I think of how I'd never stop laughing if I found out my soon to be ex was buying leather pants. I'd feel so much better about the divorce.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

lol, yeah its funny,leather pants. I dug through my wife's closet and found the skankiest lingerie ever, it was really sexy but it had her perfume on it (the same perfume she stopped wearing not long after we wed) and red flags were pummeling me. This was before I found the actual photos of her wearing it that she emailed to one of the OM. Funny thing is she pulled out the same skankwear for both the OM that I know of, cheap trick I guess - would have worked on me if I were the one she was modeling it for!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

staircase said:


> On an unrelated note my eyes keep moving past the "ow" part and I think of how I'd never stop laughing if I found out my soon to be ex was buying leather pants. I'd feel so much better about the divorce.


That is funny! My soon to be ex probably has. At this point nothing surprises me.

I would just ignore the ebay "watch" and say nothing. Stay turned; he may shop for some more ridiculous things. You and your daughter may have more entertainment.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I just looked at my soon to be ex's Amazon wish list. A few weeks ago he added curtains. He's living like a rock star.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Well you all made me smile when I looked at your posts, re the leather trousers!

Well now I do know the truth about ow. Resisted going out to check last night, and got a good nights sleep. The rain awoke me at 05.00 hrs.

I suddenly decided that I would go and check if his car was outside his place. It was not, so drove 20 miles to suspected ow’s home, well his car outside. So conclusive unless he pulls the ‘I was just working late, and stayed over, we are just friends’, which is very possible, that he would say that.
Anyway I still feel calm, as this is what I knew all along, am mad he could not tell me when I confronted him. Also angry as he told my daughter he was working last evening, he could have seen her.

Anyhow for some reason this has made me undecided as to what to do. Should I tell him I know, now, then carry on being reasonable. Should I divorce which I can’t really afford at all. If I tell him, will it make it easier for him to get things legally sorted, and I may have to give up my home. I just don’t know. I am going to see him tonight as planned-Help please!

I must admit to wanting to contact her, as she too lied to me, but what good would that really do. Maybe I should package up and send her some of my second hand bedroom items as she does not mind ‘used’-no I can’t lower myself LOL.
I sound chirpy, but am now seriously worried as to what to do. Oh and can anybody tell me what Plan A is? Been tryint to get onto Marriage Builders site for ages without success.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

reindeer:
Your last post sounds ominous. My antenna would be raised all the way up. I don't know what anyone could say to make that sleepover seem natural. But you know, you have separate households now and remember ignorance is bliss sometimes. Check your heart and listen, your intuition will tell you.

Ugh, EA's and PA's they stink! It is all the same, betrayal and heartache.

Best wishes in what you decide to do. It's a tought situation but you're not alone, most of us posting are facing similar feelings. And they are hard to go through.

I hope you have a support network set up. You may need it.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Sparkles I have confronted him now, and as predicted he denied it. Also about the trousers. Two of my friends (yes thanks I do have a good support network) predicted he would lie, and after reading so long on here I guessed as much, and he has prevous!
Told him i have told my daughter and 2 sons and will be telling our parents tomorrow. Had kept all the txts and the fact that we were separated from them, but this is all too much for me to cope with now. I cannot spare other people’s feelings now. 
I also did txt the other woman, and got a quite horrible txt back-still that was to be expected.
My husband actually looked gutted and was almost in tears. Hope he is ashamed, but I know it wont last.
Got out the car quite close to tears, said this is the end of us then. 20 years ended like this.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

reindeer: I feel for you very much. Although my marriage was only 9 yrs, it took only 5 minutes to dissolve.
I am stuck in the same house and he plainly doesn't give two flying f_ _ _ _s whether I hurt or whether he is hurting me. He truly has moved on (I think) or appears to have had and I am stuck climbing out of this hole, crawling sometimes but I am going up not down.

Now I know how my first husband felt (we had been married for 23 yrs and together 25) and I just wanted out. I called him a month ago and apologized for my callousness. You know what you sow so you shall reap. And boy did I get it back.

I wish you strength and peace and resolve either way to get yourself back. I am not going to lie sometimes it can be very difficult but as time passes so the pain lessens.

Best wishes and keep posting. It helps. Thank goodness for TAM as one of our tools to get through this horrendousness.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

I am sure sparkles that i wil not be seeing him in the near future to speak to, and after a few txts I sent this evening regarding mail, birthdays etc, which he did not need to reply to and did not there will be very little contact. He will see my daughter though.

I too left a previous husband but after 8 yrs,but i am sure I have had worse back with this one several times over!

Ido feel I have a bit of control back now. work in the mornignso that will take my mind off it-till i go tovisit my parents. Take care yourself.


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