# Do you think your partner is hot?



## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

Just out of curiosity; do you guys think your partner is "hot"? I mean, like, smokin-hot...good-looking...etc?

If not, why not?

I get that there's much more to relationships than good looks and I completely understand why relationships based around more are stronger. I'm just wondering if there's ever a part of you that wonders if maybe you could do better looks wise...


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Yes. He is.

But I can do way better character-wise.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

YES!!! He is super-duper, off the charts, smokin', sizzlin' HOT!!!

:FIREdevil:

(Apparently, other women do too. I can tell by the way they look at him )


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Subjectively and objectively, she is *hot!*


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Yes, he's incredibly hot. His attitude, on the other hand.....


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

Yes she is, very.

But so am I. :FIREdevil:  Joking of course (about me), I'm just average. 

But we do have some pretty kids.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Lila said*: *My H may not have the "model good looks" we see on the cover of fashion magazines but that doesn't keep me from thinking he's "hot". All of his qualities combined (physical, emotional, etc) make him attractive to me. Does he have a nice physique? Yes but if treated me like crap, or was a bad father, or a poor partner, I'd find him ugly*.


My answer is the same as Lila's ....

I still find my Husband attractive after 33 yrs.. To be honest, I think when my sex drive was on fire, I found him hotter than I did in his younger years....

Crazy what a rise in our hormones can do to our minds....

I kept thinking to myself.. "what was wrong with me back then... not wanting to eat him up!!"... obviously we both looked better when we were younger.. 

On his Birthday cake the yr before last..I wrote on his cake.. "*Happy Birthday Dad...50 is the new 35...you're still *







"


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Yes. He is smokin hot to me. Shaved head and goatee, very symmetrical face, eyebrows a girl would kill for. Good thing he's not tatted out. If he were, we'd never leave the house.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

No, he's not. But I am very much aroused by him because he is smart, funny, thoughtful, caring, and passionate about me. We are a great match, and I could care less what the rest of the world thinks about his looks. In fact I love that I recognized this diamond in the rough that other women passed by.

If you think you can do better, Bam, then try. It is not fair to your partner to stay with someone who does not thrill you. But beware, you may feel like this 20 years down the road:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...n/249385-life-trophy-wife-20-years-later.html


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

My wife @ 50 is still smokin hot to me. She's not feeling that right now but to me she is and objectively she is still quite attractive and could pass for a fair bit younger than 50 if she didn't disclose that. 

Since this was asked by a women I think. About the only thing she could do which might change things for me would be to let her hair go grey. Not saying it would but it might. Everything else she complains about such as supposedly "saggy drag on the floor breasts" etc. etc. has no meaning to me .


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

No definitely not. She was ok when we first got married, but the weight gain started. If I could be in the market again I know I could do much better.


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## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE (Mar 13, 2015)

She is hot. 
At least to me!


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

Lila said:


> Are you asking if we think our partner's physical appearance would be considered "model good looks" by the general public or are you asking if we perceive our partner's "hot"? There's a big difference.
> 
> My H may not have the "model good looks" we see on the cover of fashion magazines but that doesn't keep me from thinking he's "hot". All of his qualities combined (physical, emotional, etc) make him attractive to me. Does he have a nice physique? Yes but if treated me like crap, or was a bad father, or a poor partner, I'd find him ugly.


I guess I'm asking about how conscious you are of your partner's physical "non-ideals" or imperfections...and whether they affect your attraction toward them.



skype said:


> No, he's not. But I am very much aroused by him because he is smart, funny, thoughtful, caring, and passionate about me. We are a great match, and I could care less what the rest of the world thinks about his looks. In fact I love that I recognized this diamond in the rough that other women passed by.
> 
> If you think you can do better, Bam, then try. It is not fair to your partner to stay with someone who does not thrill you. But beware, you may feel like this 20 years down the road:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...n/249385-life-trophy-wife-20-years-later.html


On the contrary, I think it's my future husband who makes questionable remarks.

On the one hand, he seems to care about me for the right reasons. On the other hand, he sometimes comes across as unnecessarily honest. In the past, he's told me that he's attracted to me but it's not like I'm, quote, "a gorgeous 10/10 knockout."

Also, recently we were catching up on our work days and he told me about one of his clients. He referred to her as, "very good looking so she's used to always getting her way." I'm probably overthinking it but it annoyed me. He's obviously very aware of all the women he thinks are better looking than me. The thing is, I used to feel like I'm on the upper end of the 10 scale and I've never felt like as much of a potato as I do having been with him for the past 3 years. I don't think he understands because he's hit the genetic jackpot. Tall, very buff, nice face. He doesn't get it so I'm wondering if I can ever fully satisfy him knowing he thinks I'm just "meh" to him.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Do I think my wife is hot? Let me put it this way....

It takes a herculean effort for me to keep my hands to myself when I'm in her presence. RAWR!


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Funny, I assumed you were a man, Bam. Have you told him that you do not like his comments about other women? If he persists despite your feelings, I would look elsewhere for a partner. Attraction is not rational, and it is crucial to a successful relationship. No one wants to feel that their partner "settled" for them.


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## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE (Mar 13, 2015)

Bam85 said:


> I guess I'm asking about how conscious you are of your partner's physical "non-ideals" or imperfections...and whether they affect your attraction toward them.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Bam - At one time I had to deal with a lot of sales women. They would come call and they were good looking. Most would wear short skirts and flirt a lot.

Based on the "she's used to getting her way" comment. He may be like I was. Pissed me off to no end that these companies and women would think my head with a brain was being use less than the other one.
Maybe that is what he really means.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Bam85 said:


> Just out of curiosity; do you guys think your partner is "hot"? I mean, like, smokin-hot...good-looking...etc?
> 
> If not, why not?
> 
> I get that there's much more to relationships than good looks and I completely understand why relationships based around more are stronger. I'm just wondering if there's ever a part of you that wonders if maybe you could do better looks wise...


SMOKIN HOT

24/7/365-----Can't get enough


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Bam85 said:


> thing is, I used to feel like I'm on the upper end of the 10 scale and I've never felt like as much of a potato as I do having been with him for the past 3 years.
> 
> knowing he thinks I'm just "meh" to him.


I would never marry anyone that made me feel worse about myself or who I felt thought they could do better.


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## TakenforGranted (Mar 17, 2015)

Bam85 said:


> Just out of curiosity; do you guys think your partner is "hot"? I mean, like, smokin-hot...good-looking...etc?
> 
> If not, why not?
> 
> I get that there's much more to relationships than good looks and I completely understand why relationships based around more are stronger. I'm just wondering if there's ever a part of you that wonders if maybe you could do better looks wise...


Of course i think my husband's the hottest most desirable sexy beast out there. He's more amazing to me now than he was 11 yrs ago  so as ur love grows so does the Attraction even if they've gained 30 pounds or look raggedy from time to time.


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## TakenforGranted (Mar 17, 2015)

Bam85 said:


> I guess I'm asking about how conscious you are of your partner's physical "non-ideals" or imperfections...and whether they affect your attraction toward them.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You Want to he with someone who is your equal in every way you want. For him to be honest about his view on your Beauty or lack of while complimenting other girls so easily shows he doesn't view you as hot as u may view him. Which is Fine, until they make comments that make you feel less than your worth. He chooses to be with you for a reason, maybe ask him because while all girls like to feel beautiful and desired by their man, they wouldn't want that to be the only reason he sticks around.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Someone may not think you're a 10 (few people are), but still love you and want you. They're being objective, and may know they are doing as well as they can to snag you. That's not a reason to lie or be delusional about your "ranking." Besides, ranking is somewhat subjective based on personal preferences. You may not be an ideal match for those preferences, but all relationships are compromises between what you think is ideal and can actually attract - and still be very satisfied.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

He is hot as hell, OMG those shoulders, that smile. Tall, broad and extremely good looking. I know he thinks I am hot, he is incredibly attracted to me and we are a fantastic match.

We both look at and find other people attractive, that's life. If he made me feel he was settling I would be out the door, life is too precious to waste.

OP sit him down and have an open, honest discussion with him, if he cherishes you and your relationship he will listen and learn.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

My husband is easily the most gorgeous man I've ever seen.

Even his feet are sexy.

When he smiles at me, it still gives me butterflies.


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

I usually like to stay as private as possible, online. Even to the point of hiding my gender. I guess that's hard to do in a relationship forum but I'm definitely a woman. 




Lila said:


> I am human so of course I'm not blind to my H's imperfections but I don't dwell on them. I see him as a beautiful and unique person, perfect in his non-ideal form. If I started to focus on the imperfections, I'd know there were serious problems in the marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You make a good point. I guess I may, partly, be in denial. When I met my partner, I was in better shape. Over the past few years I've put on 10-15lbs. It doesn't sound like much but I'm VERY short so it looks like more on me. Since then I felt like he's less excited about me and that may be why he sees me as just okay as opposed to attractive. I hate to admit it but I looked up the woman he referred to as good looking. She's pretty but I think it's mostly because she's very, very thin. Her face isn't anything extraordinarily special. 

I do know that he's had self-esteem issues in the past. He's not in denial about them but I don't think I've ever done anything to provoke him or make him feel like he should inadvertently zetz me. I think he's just overly honest. He's the type who has trouble exaggerating things to tell me I'm the most beautiful if he doesn't honestly, literally, believe it.



Holland said:


> He is hot as hell, OMG those shoulders, that smile. Tall, broad and extremely good looking. I know he thinks I am hot, he is incredibly attracted to me and we are a fantastic match.
> 
> We both look at and find other people attractive, that's life. If he made me feel he was settling I would be out the door, life is too precious to waste.
> 
> OP sit him down and have an open, honest discussion with him, if he cherishes you and your relationship he will listen and learn.


I understand that and I think that it wouldn't bother me as much if I still felt like he found me more attractive. I'm not sure I do. It's hard to have that discussion because if he changes things and starts being overly nice, I'm going to feel like he's doing it because I asked him. It won't feel genuine.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

That whole post sounds like your gut tells you he is "settling" for you and feels you are not attractive enough. 

Yet you want to find a reason to justify his behavior so you feel better about it. Then perhaps you wouldn't feel as bad as he makes you feel.


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

Maybe, partially. It's not like he's dated only perfect women in the past. However, I've noticed a pattern about the types of women he openly thinks of as gorgeous. I don't think I look even a bit like any of them. I'm not trying to justify his behaviour but I also don't want to spiral over control over minor things. I know my anxiety coupled with my Type A personality sometimes makes me blow things out of proportion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
In a rational measurement sort of way, my wife is not "hot". She's in her 50s, had a partial mastectomy, a scar on her arm etc. 

But she can still make my heart race with a smile. I am extremely attracted to her and can't keep my hands off her. 

Sadly she doesn't feel the same about me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Bam. He should make you feel like the most desirable woman in the world. There should be no competition in his heart.

I have dated models so objectively, I could land women higher on the "scale" than Mrs. Conan who is Sally Fields cute with a playboy body but no model.

I do find her the hottest vixen in my universe! I can't stop molesting her. Good thing we're married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Bam, your gut tells you something is not the way it is supposed. You have that talk with him , and let him know how his comments make you feel. That's your part. It is up to him if he gets it. if he doesn't, you will know, even if he tries to be nice and polite. You will know that he is not honest. And then you will have a decision to make if you want to settle on being someone else's settlement.


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> In a rational measurement sort of way, my wife is not "hot". She's in her 50s, had a partial mastectomy, a scar on her arm etc.
> 
> But she can still make my heart race with a smile. I am extremely attracted to her and can't keep my hands off her.
> ...


It sucks quite a lot when your partner doesn't reciprocate the desire. I can empathize with your situation, there. It's great that you're still really into her in spite of what you've noticed as imperfect. Have you been together long? And if yes, did you (at least early on) feel like she was extraordinarily gorgeous?



ConanHub said:


> Bam. He should make you feel like the most desirable woman in the world. There should be no competition in his heart.
> 
> I have dated models so objectively, I could land women higher on the "scale" than Mrs. Conan who is Sally Fields cute with a playboy body but no model.
> 
> ...


I know the "scale" is objective enough where different people will rate differently. I think I can safely say that I'm at least a 7 for most guys. My shortness is definitely a factor...guys who love short girls obviously rate me much higher than those who prefer tall women. 

Mr. Bam doesn't make me feel like the most desirable woman, that's for sure. I don't know if it's because he's just generally very aloof toward women or if it's me. I've never caught him acting overly lusty toward anyone but I can definitely tell that he appreciates some women's appearance more than others.



WandaJ said:


> Bam, your gut tells you something is not the way it is supposed. You have that talk with him , and let him know how his comments make you feel. That's your part. It is up to him if he gets it. if he doesn't, you will know, even if he tries to be nice and polite. You will know that he is not honest. And then you will have a decision to make if you want to settle on being someone else's settlement.


That's a very logical thing to do. In the past, I've tried to have these discussions with him. Throughout the years he's said and done little things that bothered me so this past summer, I decided to talk to him about my feelings. That's when he made the comment about me not being a knockout...which made everything even worse. I've been scarred by that statement for months. I could tell he felt bad after that conversation because he made an effort to pay me more compliments afterwards...but, again...they felt a bit forced and phony. It was as if his heart wasn't in them but he was doing it because he likes me for other reasons and doesn't want me to feel bad.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Good lord! Find a man that does think your a knockout! My heart still stops beating when I look at my wife and we are over the 23 year mark.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

My man is so hot, I need to keep a fireproof blanket on the bed.


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

Lila said:


> Bam, take Conanhub's post to heart.
> 
> You have a need to feel genuinely desired by your husband. If what you say is true (not claiming that you are lying, just saying if it is fact what's going on in his head) he can't force himself to feel something that just isn't there.
> 
> His effort to make you feel better is to be commended. He wants to meet your need. Can you accept his effort? If the answer is no, then take Conan's advice and find someone who can.


That's definitely something I have to think over. He's a really good guy. I know he loves me for "the right reasons". Many people would be happy to be loved for something beyond their looks. We don't have any trouble about it in the bedroom. I just think he'd be a bit more flirty and lusty with me if I was closer to his type. He doesn't initiate sex as often as I'd like but he says it's just because he's tired.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

Personally, attraction to me is a binary on/off. If on the 1-10 scale 7's are my minimum physical attractiveness then I don't really spend time thinking about the differences between a 7-8-9-10. It's all the same to me. Once I'm attracted, weight or wrinkles or whatever have no affect on my attraction level to my mate. It would take outright obesity and giving up on oneself to start getting there. The latter part of that being the key. Curvy, healthy, and happy would be fine. I find vanity very very unattractive.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

My hubs is very hot, always has been.

He dated women on par with Farrah and Catherine Zeta Jones.

Women flirt with him when I'm right there.

Me, I'm just average. Maybe worse with surgery scars.

I never did understand why he picked me.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife is probably not the world's idea of "hot" but she's gorgeous and sexy to me. More importantly, though, I deeply admire her as a person. She's smart, creative, funny, patriotic, very honest, and someone I highly respect. A car crash, age, or a disease could change "hot" but the things that matter the most will still remain.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

I like that you admire her for being patriotic is swear that's becoming a bad word in modern society.


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> My hubs is very hot, always has been.
> 
> He dated women on par with Farrah and Catherine Zeta Jones.
> 
> ...


I've felt that way, as well. Before me, Mr. Bam wasn't a modelizer or anything. He's dated some very good looking and some fairly homely women. He's the type to, over all, appreciate other long term qualities. I guess it just upsets me because I think he'd be more physically attracted to me if I looked a bit different. I think he has a complicated relationship with good looks. On the one hand, he's obviously still human and will prefer better looks. On the other hand, he seems to have this idea that good looking women are spoiled, over entitled and boring. While I can appreciate that he doesn't think of me as being those negative things...it just kind of makes me feel crappy because I'm clearly nothing special to him, physically.



unbelievable said:


> My wife is probably not the world's idea of "hot" but she's gorgeous and sexy to me. More importantly, though, I deeply admire her as a person. She's smart, creative, funny, patriotic, very honest, and someone I highly respect. A car crash, age, or a disease could change "hot" but the things that matter the most will still remain.


I'm curious to know why you think your wife wouldn't be the world's idea of hot. You clearly appreciate her gorgeousness and sexiness. What would make you think the world would fail to grasp that? I'm only digging because I'm trying to understand the idea behind these type of realizations about people we choose to spend our lives with.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Bam85 said:


> I guess I'm asking about how conscious you are of your partner's physical "non-ideals" or imperfections...and whether they affect your attraction toward them


Yes I think she is smoking hot and getting hotter. In 15 years of marriage I have always wanted to tear her clothes off. 

I love to watch her dress, undress, walk, talk, make dinner, fuss with her stuff, care for our pets, talk on the phone, surf the net, do a cross word puzzle, shop, sleep, and just be. I am always excited to be near her or talking to her or texting by phone. She makes my heart race always. 

On the other hand, I don't like a few of her behaviors, decisions and values but the physical and emotional excitement has always been very strong and that is ridiculously enjoyable. 

As for non-ideals and imperfections. I adore every little part of her. She is perfect. 

We went to lunch yesterday. Two men were having lunch together in a mostly empty restaurant. I walked in behind her and they both very obviously checked her out. I would have to. She is sparkly and energetic and fun. 



Bam85 said:


> On the one hand, he seems to care about me for the right reasons. On the other hand, he sometimes comes across as unnecessarily honest. In the past, he's told me that he's attracted to me but it's not like I'm, quote, "a gorgeous 10/10 knockout."
> 
> Also, recently we were catching up on our work days and he told me about one of his clients. He referred to her as, "very good looking so she's used to always getting her way." I'm probably overthinking it but it annoyed me. He's obviously very aware of all the women he thinks are better looking than me. The thing is, I used to feel like I'm on the upper end of the 10 scale and I've never felt like as much of a potato as I do having been with him for the past 3 years. I don't think he understands because he's hit the genetic jackpot. Tall, very buff, nice face. He doesn't get it so I'm wondering if I can ever fully satisfy him knowing he thinks I'm just "meh" to him.


First of all, I am sorry you are hurt. Second, he is insensitive to your feelings and that is not cool. Even though he does appear to care about you for the right reasons, he can do better to make you feel more loved and desired. 

However...you have to do your part. You must let him know you are feeling a little let down because of a few comments he made that hurt your feelings. 

Essentially, you ought to sort of read the relevant pieces of your post to him. 

When finished explaining that, if you want to know why he picked you, ask him. I am sure the reason will be very nice for you to hear. It sounds like you could use that. 

You could also acquaint him and yourself with the 5 love languages and get him on the right path with the love language of "words of affirmation" which it seems is one of your top three and he is dropping the ball there quite obviously. 

You have a lot to work with so get at it.

My wife recently heard a song come on at a basketball game and wanted to tell me about how sexy the singer was and showed me a picture. I told her I didn't want to hear or see that. A year before, I said something about another woman at a football game being hard to ignore. She said she didn't like it. 

No one should act dead or blind but we should be sensitive to our spouses feelings. It shows you are offering tender loving care and are not oblivious. 

Just because a thought lands on your brain does not mean it should land on your tongue.

MY wife also let me know other things that made her feel the way you do like slowing down my incessant channel flipping when a woman was showing skin or had a large front end. I apologized for hurting her, thanked her for telling me, told her I understood how that is hurtful and unnecessary and told her I would stop that and have done so.

That mechanism of honesty has created a lot of good will in our relationship that has made our bond stronger and our happiness increase dramatically. 

There is no substitute for obvious TLC


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Bam85 said:


> I've felt that way, as well. Before me, Mr. Bam wasn't a modelizer or anything. He's dated some very good looking and some fairly homely women. He's the type to, over all, appreciate other long term qualities. I guess it just upsets me because I think he'd be more physically attracted to me if I looked a bit different. I think he has a complicated relationship with good looks. On the one hand, he's obviously still human and will prefer better looks. On the other hand, he seems to have this idea that good looking women are spoiled, over entitled and boring. While I can appreciate that he doesn't think of me as being those negative things...it just kind of makes me feel crappy because I'm clearly nothing special to him, physically.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm curious to know why you think your wife wouldn't be the world's idea of hot. You clearly appreciate her gorgeousness and sexiness. What would make you think the world would fail to grasp that? I'm only digging because I'm trying to understand the idea behind these type of realizations about people we choose to spend our lives with.


Because the world has a screw loose. Their idea of "hot" is Kim Kardashian balancing a glass on her butt.


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

I got this said:


> Yes I think she is smoking hot and getting hotter. In 15 years of marriage I have always wanted to tear her clothes off.
> 
> I love to watch her dress, undress, walk, talk, make dinner, fuss with her stuff, care for our pets, talk on the phone, surf the net, do a cross word puzzle, shop, sleep, and just be. I am always excited to be near her or talking to her or texting by phone. She makes my heart race always.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the post. It made me think and gave me some perspective. It's funny that you mention the restaurant thing because I have noticed that the attention of other men tends to make him react to me. It's almost as if he forgets that I'm attractive until the attention of others reminds him. I couldn't possibly care any less about the attention of other men but sometimes I've resorted to that just to give my guy a jolting reminder that I'm not a potato. Also, it's one of my remaining sources of remembering that I'm not some troll.

Also, I think you made a very good point about being aware of other people. I know he finds other people attractive. There's nothing wrong with that. I think that kind of thing is best shared with friends. I don't think most people are particularly thrilled knowing who their partner thinks is sexy. Especially if that person is a polar opposite of ourselves.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

coffee4me said:


> I like that you admire her for being patriotic is swear that's becoming a bad word in modern society.


It seems rather mandatory at my house. Someone who isn't convincingly patriotic would not be happy living anywhere near me (or her). Modern society can bite me.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> My wife is probably not the world's idea of "hot" but she's gorgeous and sexy to me. *More importantly, though, I deeply admire her as a person. She's smart, creative, funny, patriotic, very honest, and someone I highly respect. * A car crash, age, or a disease could change "hot" but the things that matter the most will still remain.


I agree, the bold is what's really at the basis of my attraction to her. I also happen to think she's pretty hot and gorgeous by most standards, not just mine - but she happens to be my physical ideal in a woman.

As for patriotic, I'll substitute loyal instead. After all, I haven't heard her sing "O Canada" in a very long time.


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> Because the world has a screw loose. Their idea of "hot" is Kim Kardashian balancing a glass on her butt.


I see your point. I don't quite get it, myself, but I see your point.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Bam85 said:


> I
> You make a good point. I guess I may, partly, be in denial. When I met my partner, I was in better shape. Over the past few years I've put on 10-15lbs. It doesn't sound like much but I'm VERY short so it looks like more on me. Since then I felt like he's less excited about me and that may be why he sees me as just okay as opposed to attractive. I hate to admit it but I looked up the woman he referred to as good looking. She's pretty but I think it's mostly because she's very, very thin. Her face isn't anything extraordinarily special.


It's so hurtful when you feel like you're comparing yourself to someone you know your partner is more sexually attracted to. Last night my STBX (who now decides he loves his ex wife he left last year to reconcile with me, his first wife) was taunting me for the second time this week with how, thin and "tight" her body is compared to mine and how he c*ms 7 or 8 times having sex with her. (A year ago he told me that it was so nice to finally be connecting sexually again with someone you actually love, and at that time it was me.) He told me I was 50 pounds overweight when we got back together, and I guess that makes me 40 pounds overweight now. I'm a size 8. I do want to lose 10 or 15 pounds, but I do NOT need to be in the 90's at 5'5". She is very tiny. She might weigh 105, I don't know. And, I'm not trying to build myself up, but I'm widely regarded as being a very beautiful woman. My IC is incredulous that he puts me down this way, to the point that she doesn't even know what to say. It makes her speechless. One time she said that the week before she'd even got distracted and at one point wasn't paying attention to me because she was thinking about how beautiful I am. (No, she's not a lesbian lol) When I was single I had no trouble at all dating. His ex is not ugly, but she's not gorgeous.....quite average in the face, but skinny, skinny. It's what he's attracted to. But, it hurts so much when he says those things to me   . My self esteem is so far in the tank. And like your SO, my STBX is very fit, has always had a naturally great and muscular body. I've had two c-sections and REALLY need a tummy tuck. He's disgusted by me now.  

When I was divorced and dating, nobody made me feel like he does. In fact, it was just the opposite. Every man I was with made me feel very beautiful, with or without clothes on.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

There's just no excuse for that. It's the third post today that I've read where I'm trying to figure out why being spoken to like that is not an immediate deal breaker. It's awful


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Bam85 said:


> I've felt that way, as well. Before me, Mr. Bam wasn't a modelizer or anything. He's dated some very good looking and some fairly homely women. He's the type to, over all, appreciate other long term qualities. I guess it just upsets me because I think he'd be more physically attracted to me if I looked a bit different. I think he has a complicated relationship with good looks. On the one hand, he's obviously still human and will prefer better looks. On the other hand, he seems to have this idea that good looking women are spoiled, over entitled and boring. While I can appreciate that he doesn't think of me as being those negative things...it just kind of makes me feel crappy because I'm clearly nothing special to him, physically.


When we were younger, my H had this habit of seeing a good looking woman and saying "Whoa"....

He had no idea the damage done to a young wife that knew she no where near as pretty as the women he was looking at.

He doesn't do that anymore, thankfully.


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> It's so hurtful when you feel like you're comparing yourself to someone you know your partner is more sexually attracted to. Last night my STBX (who now decides he loves his ex wife he left last year to reconcile with me, his first wife) was taunting me for the second time this week with how, thin and "tight" her body is compared to mine and how he c*ms 7 or 8 times having sex with her. (A year ago he told me that it was so nice to finally be connecting sexually again with someone you actually love, and at that time it was me.) He told me I was 50 pounds overweight when we got back together, and I guess that makes me 40 pounds overweight now. I'm a size 8. I do want to lose 10 or 15 pounds, but I do NOT need to be in the 90's at 5'5". She is very tiny. She might weigh 105, I don't know. And, I'm not trying to build myself up, but I'm widely regarded as being a very beautiful woman. My IC is incredulous that he puts me down this way, to the point that she doesn't even know what to say. It makes her speechless. One time she said that the week before she'd even got distracted and at one point wasn't paying attention to me because she was thinking about how beautiful I am. (No, she's not a lesbian lol) When I was single I had no trouble at all dating. His ex is not ugly, but she's not gorgeous.....quite average in the face, but skinny, skinny. It's what he's attracted to. But, it hurts so much when he says those things to me   . My self esteem is so far in the tank. And like your SO, my STBX is very fit, has always had a naturally great and muscular body. I've had two c-sections and REALLY need a tummy tuck. He's disgusted by me now.
> 
> When I was divorced and dating, nobody made me feel like he does. In fact, it was just the opposite. Every man I was with made me feel very beautiful, with or without clothes on.


That's a hard pill to swallow. I don't think a woman who is a size 8 at your height should be made to feel ashamed about the way she looks. I also know that the stupidest things can get to some guys. Granted, I'm quite a bit shorter than you but I'm a size 4 on top and 2 on bottoms. When I met my fiance, I used to work out a lot and I had a very low body fat. There wasn't anywhere to really pinch fat on me. I mostly wore leggings because it was hard to find size 00 pants. He said my body looked great then but he once said something like, "I know you're insecure about your stomach". I wasn't really. Not until that moment. I also had a c-section about 7 years earlier so even when I had almost no body fat, I had some wrinkling skin on my lower abdomen. Come to think of it, it was one of the first comments he made that started making me think he's VERY aware of my physical shortcomings.



LonelyinLove said:


> When we were younger, my H had this habit of seeing a good looking woman and saying "Whoa"....
> 
> He had no idea the damage done to a young wife that knew she no where near as pretty as the women he was looking at.
> 
> He doesn't do that anymore, thankfully.


At least he got the message and stopped. Again, I can't think of too many people that are happy about that type of thing coming out of their partners. Sometimes I wonder if they do it because they're just oblivious or if it's some sort of seedy manipulation tactic to suggest that you ought to try to look more like that.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Bam85 said:


> I don't think a woman who is a size 8 at your height should be made to feel ashamed about the way she looks.


NO woman of ANY size/height should be made to feel ashamed about the way she looks.

My exbf was overweight, had zero bootie, crooked legs, and big jowels. I thought he was the most handsome, hot, and sexy man in the world. I was in love with him. He, on the other hand, loved to criticze me for my 20 pound weight gain. 

If you are in love with someone, what you feel trumps what you see. Should, anyway.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

yes, unfortunately he is. haha. Even worse, he's even in better shape than when I first met him. But like someone else said earlier, his character sucks. I wish he wasn't so attractive.


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

GA HEART said:


> NO woman of ANY size/height should be made to feel ashamed about the way she looks.
> 
> My exbf was overweight, had zero bootie, crooked legs, and big jowels. I thought he was the most handsome, hot, and sexy man in the world. I was in love with him. He, on the other hand, loved to criticze me for my 20 pound weight gain.
> 
> If you are in love with someone, what you feel trumps what you see. Should, anyway.


You're absolutely right. I live by the creed that "there's a customer for every product". Just because someone may only like the very skinny or the very tall doesn't mean that there won't be an awesome person, out there, who would be very attracted to the opposite. 20 pound weight gains happen. Weight can be gained and lost. A ****ty attitude isn't so easy to fix.



Adeline said:


> yes, unfortunately he is. haha. Even worse, he's even in better shape than when I first met him. But like someone else said earlier, his character sucks. I wish he wasn't so attractive.


Attractive people practically get away with murder. People will overlook a rubbish personality if the person is ridiculously good looking. Mr. Bam has a good character (much more often than not) but he's also become even more attractive since we started dating. He was very ripped but quite slim when we met. Since then, he's taken up powerlifting so he looks even better. His physique reminds me of a taller Marky Mark circa Calvin Klein days.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

Definitely. I really lucked out, he's 35 and just gets better looking with age (whereas I get closer and closer to resembling a potato). 

He always gets hit on when we go out. I kind of get a kick out of it, honestly. It's like "Sorry everyone, but I got to him first.".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Bam85 said:


> I guess I'm asking about how conscious you are of your partner's physical "non-ideals" or imperfections...and whether they affect your attraction toward them.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Wow that would hurt. It would matter more to me than his looks. If I thought he thought I was MEH. then I just couldn't be with him. 

Seems like he does not appreciate what he has.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Bam85
We started dating 35 years ago. I thought she was beautiful then and still do.



Bam85 said:


> It sucks quite a lot when your partner doesn't reciprocate the desire. I can empathize with your situation, there. It's great that you're still really into her in spite of what you've noticed as imperfect. Have you been together long? And if yes, did you (at least early on) feel like she was extraordinarily gorgeous?
> 
> snip
> 
> .


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

My wife is super, she's the most beautiful woman i've ever met and i'm not saying it just because she's my wife but because physically she's really up there. I'm 40 and wife is 33 going on 25, a lot of times when we walk together people give weird look


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

Being honest and not giving the generic cookie cutter answer.

I am not as physically attracted to my H as he is to me. I go to the gym M-f and take pride in myself that after 20 yrs of marriage and many kids later, I'm still the same size(4/6) as the day we married. I may not be as firm in my belly area but with clothes on, you couldn't tell the difference. "H" has nice muscular arms and upper body but he's got a huge gut right now that is a turn off when it comes to physical attraction. He's always been up and down with his weight. At least once or twice a yr, he'll go all paleo and swear off carbs(the bad kind). He keeps it off for 6 mo to a yr, then gets complacent and gains it all back again. Right now he's in the "gains it all back stage". He's been complaining about it, so that's my cue that he's about to get all militant again.

Of course I still love him, and how he looks doesnt determine how much I love him. Beauty fades, and so does "hot". I'm more concerned with how I'm treated. I'll take being treated well any day over a hot hard body!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Yes, he is hot to me. We've been together over twenty years. I know I'm not biased about his attractiveness. I have a friend who compliments him at least twice a month on his fitness. None of my friends have husbands who take care of themselves the way he does.

Today I was in the car waiting for him to come back with some coffee from Starbucks. I know it's shocking that I would drink coffee. I was watching him walk, noticing the way his dark wash jeans and t-shirt fit his body. He's fit but not beefy. He has a toned swimmer's build, a full head of hair. A lot of people will say they look ten years younger when they really don't, but I can say my husband can pass for ten years younger than he is. It really wasn't his looks that drew me to him. It was his personality and our compatibility. The height (I like tall men) was just a bonus. He has always made me feel like I'm a 10. I'm not a 10. I could be a 7 or 8 when I make the effort, but honestly it doesn't matter. He thinks I'm a 10 and that's what I care about.


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## AriYarjan (Mar 21, 2015)

In replying your title question: yes, very much so. And for many reasons, not just looks.


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## Depth.Inside (Jul 5, 2012)

My wife is off the charts Beautiful, literally. She is also very, very charismatic and everyone loves her.

What they don't see is the cold, disconnected woman I live with. Regardless, I still find her to be one of the most beautiful women I know.


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

Depth.Inside said:


> My wife is off the charts Beautiful, literally. She is also very, very charismatic and everyone loves her.
> 
> What they don't see is the cold, disconnected woman I live with. Regardless, I still find her to be one of the most beautiful women I know.


Does her beauty have anything to do with why you'd put up living with a cold and disconnected person?


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## Depth.Inside (Jul 5, 2012)

Bam85 said:


> Does her beauty have anything to do with why you'd put up living with a cold and disconnected person?


not really.... honestly, I have had beautiful women all around me through out my life. I still have the chance with beautiful women. Its more a history thing. I think... Not really sure. Ive been with her so long im not sure what I would do without her. Even though she doesn't connect on that level we are good friends in other respects. 

You know the old line, "Its Complicated?" Yep.... its complicated. 

God I could use a shrinks couch.


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

Depth.Inside said:


> not really.... honestly, I have had beautiful women all around me through out my life. I still have the chance with beautiful women. Its more a history thing. I think... Not really sure. Ive been with her so long im not sure what I would do without her. Even though she doesn't connect on that level we are good friends in other respects.
> 
> You know the old line, "Its Complicated?" Yep.... its complicated.
> 
> God *I could use a shrinks couch*.


You and me both


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Part of the reason I married her is because she's one of the most viscerally hot women I've ever known.

Now, I won't say that I didn't overlook lots of issues because she's hot, but damn, that kept me in the game more than a few times when times were tough.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Depth.Inside said:


> My wife is off the charts Beautiful, literally. She is also very, very charismatic and everyone loves her.
> 
> What they don't see is the cold, disconnected woman I live with. Regardless, I still find her to be one of the most beautiful women I know.


More, please.

Or do you have a thread somewhere?


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## YummyPB (Jun 25, 2009)

No. I believe that wore out for me over 20 years ago. He went from 165 pounds to 240 pounds. He thinks I'm totally hot, but I haven't gained 75 pounds. Yes I believe I could do much better in the looks (and financial) department, but I love other things about him and that is what I'm hanging onto. It is a challenge in the bedroom not being attracted to him though....


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## Rockymts (Mar 26, 2015)

yes very hot, pretty 

but selfishness inside and outside of the bedroom is wearing me down.


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## FatherofTwo (Dec 6, 2014)

She's both beautiful inside and out ........ I know I'm very blessed.

Now if I can get the men to quit staring and leering at her then it'd be a perfect world for me


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I answered this thread early on but then deleted my comment. Out of happiness guilt or contentment guilt I suppose. I wish everyone was happy with their partners and all partners were meeting needs of the other but that's just not the case. For those of you who are unhappy you have my sympathy.

That being said I respect, love, admire and cherish my wife. I am beyond proud to be the person she chose to give her heart to. Is she hot? Yes. Would I say she's hot even if other didn't think so? H3ll yea. She's honest, loyal, kind, loving, and respectful. To me that's hot. The fact that I'd find her attractive if I didn't know her is just icing on the cake.


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## Depth.Inside (Jul 5, 2012)

marduk said:


> More, please.
> 
> Or do you have a thread somewhere?


Off and on... over time I have talked about it but marriage being what it is... it changes. My marriage is WAY too complicated. I will start a new thread and send you a link...


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