# New Life



## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

:smile2:
I've posted several times, in other's threads, but never started my own.

So, here it is. BUT, I'll condense things a bit.

Been married 34 years, have two daughters, 25 & 20. We never fight, I refuse to fight or argue. Period. Both of us were virgins. Sex was good, when we did it, my wife just never seemed interested. I thought getting laid every 4-6 wks was about normal (didn't have anything to compare it with) for married guys. So I got rejected A LOT. 

Fast forward to September 2013, last time we had sex. I was on a business trip in April 2014, In my hotel room, with nothing to do, I started searching. This is when I found TAM. I learned about the 180, and started it in June. Didn't touch, say, or accommodate her in any way, shape or form. Pretty much totally ignored her.

Our daughters were seeing the change. The younger one is getting married June 13. They told me they were figuring we would split up after the wedding. I told them, as well as everyone here, that we couldn't afford that. They suggested a weekend get-a-way. SO, I put one together, they helped.:smile2:

My wife & I went on a 3 day weekend (Memorial Day) date. I did tell her this was going to be a "honeymoon", since the last daughter is going on one in a couple weeks and the other one had one 3 years ago. I said it was our turn for another one.

On the way to our hotel, I actually did tell her what the girls said about splitting up after the wedding. I told her that I told the girls, I hadn't planned to, but I didn't know what her plans were. She said she hadn't planned to either.

After arriving at the hotel, checking in, eating supper & such, we settled in. We said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about the previous 1 1/2 years. The bath tub was a 2 person Jacuzzi tub:grin2:. I knew it was going to be, that's why I booked that room. While she was taking a bath, I mentioned the tub was a two person one. She said "well get in, it's big enough". So I did! During, and after helping each other with our baths, it was HONEYMOON all over, all weekend. 

At 34 years, we really didn't have to say anything to each other, we can pretty much read each other's minds. 
I told her that, since in a couple weeks, we're going to be empty nesters, we'd just as well go ahead and like each other. She just laughed and agreed.

So that's where we are as of today. And doesn't look like it's going to change, if I'm reading her correctly.:smile2:


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Great story. I am happy for you and your family.

One question you might ask your kids is what if anything did they say to their mom. But first tell them how grateful you were for their suggestion, bravery in talking to you, and support.

Good luck, but expect some occasional backsliding, as it is hard to change decades of habits overnight. When it happens, just focus on the positive changes and that things are moving in the right direction.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Flyer--have you two had a conversation about what has been going wrong the last couple of decades? Is it just mismatched drives? Lack of attraction? Missed signals?


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

To answer the questions thus far.
I think if I'd found this site earlier, yes, I'd have done the 180 long ago.
I have told the girls how much I appreciated their "idea". I do know they've asked their mom if she enjoyed the trip. It was a definate YES from mom.
And lastly, we haven't talked about past problems. But I feel safe in saying it was probably a lot of miscommunitation/missed cues. I try to focus on a positive future rather than a negative past. So that's what I'm working on. So far, she's enjoying it too.
I think one of the major issues was, always being busy with the kids.
I'm sure there'll be more to come.

Stay tuned...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

flyer said:


> To answer the questions thus far.
> I think if I'd found this site earlier, yes, I'd have done the 180 long ago.
> I have told the girls how much I appreciated their "idea". I do know they've asked their mom if she enjoyed the trip. It was a definate YES from mom.
> And lastly, we haven't talked about past problems. But I feel safe in saying it was probably a lot of miscommunitation/missed cues. I try to focus on a positive future rather than a negative past. So that's what I'm working on. So far, she's enjoying it too.
> ...


This is an ideal attitude, and shows that you're not letting yourself get bogged down with resentment. Very cool. 

Does she understand how close it came to going the other way? Was she blindsided about what your daughters said?


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## TakenforGranted (Mar 17, 2015)

Amazing turn of events. I'm happy things are working out for you both. This is the first time I've read a post that was positive in the end. I like it


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> This is an ideal attitude, and shows that you're not letting yourself get bogged down with resentment. Very cool.
> 
> Does she understand how close it came to going the other way? Was she blindsided about what your daughters said?




I really don't think she was blindsided per se. But a little surprised
of the "harsh" D word.
As far as it going the other way.......I don't think that would have happened. We were brought up in a different time, marriage is a contract, we took vows. And really only a small portion of that contract was breached. I think we would have just been REALLY distant from each other the rest of our lives.........like the majority of her family is. That's the part I told her didn't want to be like, and she agreed.:smile2:
'D" was really never an option. We're both spoiled with what we have, and can do. We NEVER argue or fight over money or bills. We live in a nice home, that we built. We both have fairly expensive hobbies and do them at will. We both love to travel in the motorhome and on the motorcycle (Goldwing). D would pretty much put an end to all that.....and we know that.

I can honestly say, without a doubt, we're on the upswing.:smile2:


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

flyer said:


> To answer the questions thus far.
> I think if I'd found this site earlier, yes, I'd have done the 180 long ago.
> I have told the girls how much I appreciated their "idea". I do know they've asked their mom if she enjoyed the trip. It was a definate YES from mom.
> And lastly, we haven't talked about past problems. But I feel safe in saying it was probably a lot of miscommunitation/missed cues. I try to focus on a positive future rather than a negative past. So that's what I'm working on. So far, she's enjoying it too.
> ...


Lesson time for younger people visiting this forum who are living in a sexless marriage: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER,NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, *EVER* let your kids define your marriage or take priority within your marriage. At the end of the day, the family is only as strong as the foundation upon which it is built. Marriage is your foundation, because when the marriage crumbles the rest of the family crumbles.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

Thought I ought to check in.:smile2:

Coming up on two months now and all is still good. Actually, still getting better.

We were on vacation last week, she got a little upset with me at one point. We talked about it a bit. She brought up some issues from the past that were bothering her, and asked me about them. I told her the biggest problem we had was poor communication. She agreed, came over, sat on my lap, gave me a big hug & a kiss, and all's been good.:wink2:


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

flyer said:


> We NEVER argue or fight ... we're on the upswing.:smile2:


ummmm, I'd pick a fight with you about something about how one should NEVER say Newww... Nehhh... Neeffur... ...something or I don't know anymore.

Can I pick a fight with you? I here you have a good upswing and I really need that in a sparring partner!










Regards, 
Badsanta


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Weird.

But nice ending?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

Another "check-in".:smile2:
We bought a hot tub at the state fair a couple weeks ago. I final got it all hooked up & filled with water.
It's been 18 years since we had sex in a hot tub/spa, then, it was only one time.
Wife ask which swimming suit I wanted? I told her we didn't need them. She says, "ooooohhhh". (we don't have kids at home anymore):laugh:
She had a gushing orgasm from oral.:grin2: Life really is good.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Lesson time for younger people visiting this forum who are living in a sexless marriage: *NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER,NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER let your kids define your marriage or take priority within your marriage.* At the end of the day, the family is only as strong as the foundation upon which it is built. Marriage is your foundation, because when the marriage crumbles the rest of the family crumbles.


I like this a thousand times.

I would only add the obvious that i think couples that get too engrossed in child rearing at the expense of their mates forget that you raise kids for 18+ years and then they're gone.

you are with your mate for life (unless things go bad, and that's the whole lesson in summation!).


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Kids are gone at 18? I need to get out more.

Kids can't defend themselves when they're being marginalized or ignored. And if a parent marginalizes their kids at a young age it gives little confidence that they won't marginalize their spouse once the kids are gone.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Lesson time for younger people visiting this forum who are living in a sexless marriage: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER,NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, *EVER* let your kids define your marriage or take priority within your marriage. At the end of the day, the family is only as strong as the foundation upon which it is built. Marriage is your foundation, because when the marriage crumbles the rest of the family crumbles.


I can fully attest to this. My wife's daughter, who we both raised since she was 6, always came first and now she is 25, with a 4 year old granddaughter and they both come first.

No surprise that things went south for me and that stepfamilies are disasters, most Mom's will always put their children first, at least the ones that I know. I thought things would improve when she hit 18-20, and she did move out, but got pregnant and we became a nearly full time evening/weekend babysitter, which my wife was ecstatic, because our granddaughter has become her whole world.
This pretty much stuck a fork in "us". We're just grandparents now.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

flyer said:


> Another "check-in".:smile2:
> We bought a hot tub at the state fair a couple weeks ago. I final got it all hooked up & filled with water.
> It's been 18 years since we had sex in a hot tub/spa, then, it was only one time.
> Wife ask which swimming suit I wanted? I told her we didn't need them. She says, "ooooohhhh". (we don't have kids at home anymore):laugh:
> She had a gushing orgasm from oral.:grin2: Life really is good.


You rock, Flyer!! Congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

flyer said:


> :smile2:
> I've posted several times, in other's threads, but never started my own.
> 
> So, here it is. BUT, I'll condense things a bit.
> ...


Wait a month and PM me....


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

While I'm on the bragging wagon.:grin2:

We've owned an RV of some sort since 1997, (3-5th wheels, 2-motorhomes), we've NEVER had sex in one of them. Kid(s) were always along.
This past Labor Day weekend, we left home Thursday, one of the daughters and son in law joined us on Friday evening. Wifey could hardly wait to get he motorhome parked!!:grin2::grin2:


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

I'm new here. where is " the 180 " thread ?


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

2ndchanceGuy said:


> I'm new here. where is " the 180 " thread ?



Not sure what "180 thread" you're referring to.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

2ndchanceGuy said:


> I'm new here. where is " the 180 " thread ?



Not sure what "180 thread" you're referring to. 
There's lots of references to the 180 here on TAM.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

flyer said:


> Not sure what "180 thread" you're referring to.
> There's lots of references to the 180 here on TAM.


I suppose I wrongly assumed there may be a specific thread talking about it
Is it just treating your partner the exact opposite of how you normally treat them jut to get their attention ?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Here 'ya go @2ndchanceGuy...

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Here 'ya go @2ndchanceGuy...
> 
> https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
> 
> ...


thanks !


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