# Not Trigger During Sex w new partner/old partner how do you cope



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Hey everyone,

This question is geared toward those that were cheated on and left their SO's and are either dating or in another relationship. What did you do to reopen yourself sexually without it triggering? Or do you avoid certain sexually acts because it is a soar spot? The one hurdle that I have not gotten over since my last relationship and I'm trying to work on is letting go. I have a lingering issue with just letting go sexually with my husband I tend to hold back and I'm trying not to do that.

My ex was my first love so I did the hole nine yards and beyond, I was more open and experimental then, and after we broke up I have never been quite the same in the bedroom since then, my husband does not know the difference but I do. I don't nearly do half the things I use to and I think because subconsciously I'm afraid to open myself up again and get hurt.
I'm ready, I want to open that door again I'm a little scared but I need to get over it any suggestions and advice would be great I hope I'm not alone in this. I need to get my mojo back.


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

New husband? So you're remarried, been having sex a while now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Thanks for reading been hurt, I was not married in my previous relationship we were together for 7 years thought. Been with my husband for four years married for two next week. Sex has been infrequent because he has/had many health issues but not starting to get back in the swing of things.


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

Letting yourself go sexually should be a breeze. 
Disassociate your ex with sex completely. Sex is wayyy more than different acts and positions. Walking down the road with him, drinking a coffee together doesn't remind you of him. Think of it like sex is going to a watch movie, you do lots of things some similar, like make up first, buying the tickets - Sex is no different, you do some things similar, but those things aren't the memory you have of the visit. 
You don't have to buy tickets, you could sneak in, go in track pants, mix it up, do the things you learnt with an ex, explore much much more with your husband of 4 years. Only a few people on earth have sex with just one person, we all learn from our experiences.,


If you haven't already got one, I'd highly recommend a er..helping hand..let your sexuality soar, do it with him...
And if he complains, or has issues, get him the little blue pill, there's no shame in that.


Sex is no different from any other experience in life, it's meant to be enjoyed, be with your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I believe it is because you still can't get over the betrayal. Did your husband has a physical affair ? 
Did you talk with your husband about what happened with your ex?

On another side. It can be because your husband isn't making you as aroused as your ex did. It's not about love or faithfulness, but maybe your husband isn't giving you the envy to do the whole nine yards.

In either cases, be sure not to let the confusion turn into guilt or worse an issue in your marriage. If your husband is fine with the sex you're having, you can give yourself some more time to get your sex drive back. If you believe that it's been too long, you should talk with a therapist.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Its a difficult one to call for you. Things that were intimate for you and your previous husband were "special", they were very private and were, as far as your concerned between you two only and these "special intermate things" were not for others toshare. Now of course you feel that when you want or should be doing thing as they were intermate things you prbobley enjoyed and of course when you do them you are really (as with any loving partnership) at your most vulnerable. Now you think of doing these and natuarally your previous hasband was the only one you did these with. It is a natural thing for you to think of what happened at that point in your previous relationship, The brain is inclinde to rerun the snippits of film of a special moment, or a moment of anguish. That is the brains job. You can get past this. Consider at times your on your own with your loved one, when sitting watching a movie or just relating what its like to do that one thing with them and them only. At first you will drift to what was, but persist and youll soon see your self and your husband there. Its hard but it does work. You would be told by a councillor that you must let go of the past to be able to move forward - Its very true. The past is actually holding you back. Your present H may not even realise that you have these thoughts and what barriers they present. He may and seems to be xhappy with your love life.... You however, do not as you express a wish to want to try "new thiings" with your H. Them its time to do so.

Have you tried to tell your H about this? How do you think he will react? Are you worried that he will become annoyed that your ex is someway getting between you even now...

Youve started the repair process by posting here. The next is to start to find the tools to move forward. Even if you do not try these special things with your H, its clearly important to you to not have to see these in your minds eye with your ex. We have (in your position) all been there and it does work out but it requires you to keep up the positive effort


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I don't have any advice for you , as I have had no problems in the beroom. I don't even connect my current love life with the shanningans of the WW. They are not the same at all. Maybe you need more time and to open up to your husband about your issues. Does he know about your EX?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I know where you're coming from. I used to pleasure my ex fiance in most every way excluding the really dirty stuff, but afterwords my current SO would be hard pressed to get more than missionary from me.

She helped me get through it usually by dirty talking me through it and I began to open up again. Let me know exactly what she wanted which helped me overcome that trepidation at opening myself up. I think I may even have passed my past self sex wise.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Wow thanks for the replies it helps put things in perspective I really really appreciate it. To answer your questions, to be clear I was not married in previous relationship just in a long term relationship for 7 years. My husband knows a lot I told him as much as I could everything, I thought I got it out my system with the ex but I guess there are some things I need to iron out. I can tell my husband anything he has been my rock, he has not cheated and has no desire too especially knowing what I have been through already. 

As for telling my husband I'm not afraid to tell him because of his reaction is is a weakness on my part I'm not good on expressing m feelings and I'm working on that he has been very understanding and supportive. I know I have insecurities and self esteem that is still being built. I think I was mad at myself because I do not want my ex back I do not miss him at all and I pissed that this thing has/had is bothering me a little. I think I will talk to my husband this week about it. Thanks everyone for all your responses.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Well, this might not help you b/c a) I'm a guy and b) my xWF wasn't my first. But I was worried about this and it may help others.

If you have a "type," don't. My new GF would never be mistaken for my xWF... hell, they're not even the same race! She also responds differently and likes different things than my xWF.

So my advice, is to find someone who is as different from your xWS as you can. They are lots of non-sexual clues that can help with this like appearance, disposition, age, interests, dress etc.


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