# How do I handle being excluded in in-law family photos?



## sherryberry (Feb 16, 2015)

Hello, everyone I am new here. I have been with my husband for 6 years but recently and finally married for about 1 year. I have awesome in-laws whom are very close to eachother and treat me well but to be honest I've always felt a bit excluded which hurts my feelings a bit because I see them every week, the sisters and I triple date often, we hang out together, etc. We're pretty close so it's not like we're practically strangers.

The other night all the women in the family: aunts, sisters, mother, grandmother, nieces, etc. went out to dinner somewhere and I found out through instagram. I wondered why I wasn't invited, wasn't I a part of the family? 

Also, family pictures. Christmas and MIL's birthday...she asked for a family photo and asked the sister's long term bf to take the photo while the rest of the "Blood" relatives get together to take a picture and the rest of us "non blood relatives" watched in awkwardness. I figured it'd be fine, okay she wants the children she raised in the photo but she didn't even ask us to JOIN in the photo after!

This has happened several times. I've been included in "family" photos but only the ones where like every single relative you can ever think of is involved. I have always thought if you were serious in a relationship/married then you would be included in the familiy pictures, at least it always had been with my family. My brother in law is ALWAYS in our family photos and I find it awkward if he wouldn't be! Especially since his children (my niece/nephews) are in our family pics.

I have a strong feeling that I won't be in family photos until maybe I birth her a grandkid one day..but even then, I can easily see her asking for kids/grandkids (blood relatives) and not me be in the family photo.

I haven't expressed concerned to the husband yet because I don't want to offend him or for it to come off wrong. How do I deal with this when I want so badly to be considered a part of the family? I've always thought we were family and felt like it, I thought being married would change but it didn't. What would you do? Just suck it up?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bring along your own camera. Once they have taking the blood-line photos, you pipe up and say that you want to take some photos. Then you get photos of everyone .. well someone will need to take the photo but you can swap out photographers.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I would be ok with being excluded up until the point we had kids. At that point, the price of getting my kid in the bloodline photo is you get me too.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

This is your husbands family so yes you need to speak with him about why this is happening. This is very bizarre to me as you are now family. I do understand having a picture with just mom dad and kids perhaps but a family picture should be with everyone. I think something strange is going on an you need to find out what.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There are some people who feel only blood relatives should be in pictures. It's totally ridiculous, IMO, but that's their thinking. Blood _really_ matters to them and although you marry into the family they don't consider that even close to the same. Shaking my head. That's presumably why you weren't invited to dinner with the other females. Maybe having a child will change their mind and maybe it won't. Narrow-minded people don't see -- or maybe don't care very much about -- the problems they create.


----------



## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

*YOU* are your husband's family now. The rest of these people are just extended relatives.

Talk to your husband how it hurts you to be excluded since you and he are family now. Ask him how he would feel being left out of your FOO's photos. Your husband should be the one to speak to them. He needs to let them know you are his family and if they continue to exclude you, they will be excluding him. He should then refuse any photos where you are excluded. You guys are a package deal. Ask him if he thinks you will be okay having your kids in these photos while you are made to step out of them. Ask him how does he think this will make your kids feel when mommy isn't good enough for grandma's photos. They will think something is wrong with them, too. 

The irony is your MIL married into FIL's family and FIL married into MIL's family. Their "thinking" is quite skewed.

If your husband refuses to back you up, tells you that you are "taking it the wrong way" or that "is just the way she (his mother) is" you have bigger problems than just an exclusive MIL.

IamSomebody


----------



## Honda750 (Feb 12, 2015)

You have every expectation to feel this way ........ I believe those kinds of things exhibit the rudeness and unkind actions of supposed Family. 
I would be aghast to stand there and watch this happen. Rude people are basically ignorant people, it goes hand in hand. I feel bad for you and anyone else that has to stand by and endure this kind of exclusivity. Total hogwash ......... Take care and don't let these uncultured individuals pull you down.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

IamSomebody said:


> *YOU* are your husband's family now. The rest of these people are just extended relatives.
> 
> The irony is your MIL married into FIL's family and FIL married into MIL's family. Their "thinking" is quite skewed.
> /FONT]




This is so true. Going by your MIL and FIL's thinking...their own spouse shouldn't be in the "blood" pictures either!!

How bizarre...


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Don't take it personally. It's obviously a "quirk" they have about family photos. It's not a sign of how they feel about you, especially since, as you say, you're close with his family. Don't let this ruin your relationship with them. Accept the goodness that is there, and don't let this kind of stuff take up space in your head.


----------



## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

IMHO - if they are taking "family" photos, and you aren't in them, it sort of tells you that they don't consider you "family".

Speak up and tell him how you feel. He really should understand.

If he doesn't understand (and act), that gives you a real clue....


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Here's what you do: Frame some group photos of your family with significant others included and place them in a prominent place in your home (one where all your in-laws can't miss them). Should an in-law inquire as to why you don't have any of their photos on display, simply tell them that you aren't in any of their photos.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

sherryberry said:


> Hello, everyone I am new here. I have been with my husband for 6 years but recently and finally married for about 1 year. I have awesome in-laws whom are very close to eachother and treat me well but to be honest I've always felt a bit excluded which hurts my feelings a bit because I see them every week, the sisters and I triple date often, we hang out together, etc. We're pretty close so it's not like we're practically strangers.
> 
> The other night all the women in the family: aunts, sisters, mother, grandmother, nieces, etc. went out to dinner somewhere and I found out through instagram. I wondered why I wasn't invited, wasn't I a part of the family?
> 
> ...


Nope, don't just "suck it up". These small things can (and do) add up to become big things. That's not a road you want to travel down.

Speak with your in laws. Casually bring it up. Say something like, "I love that everyone is so close and wants to be in family photos. Sometimes though, I feel left out because you don't ask me to join, too." 

Sometimes, we do hurtful things without EVEN KNOWING that they are hurtful. Don't keep it inside, if it's hurting you. Tell them respectfully, kindly, gently.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

As to not being invited to go out to dinner with the 'girls', remember you are an in-law. They most likely assume that you have activities with your own family wherein they are not invited. This isn't a hill you want to die on.

You seem to want to be fully enmeshed with these people and your feelings are hurt. It would be a good idea to consider that a little distance with your in-laws is a good thing.


----------



## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

I can't say that this is all that unusual. In my own family, it actually seems like all the actually "related" people will take pics with each other... my own side of the family, the in-laws, and even the sides on the other.

It's your job to step up and mention that you want a pic - if you honestly like these other people, or really want to get a pic with them.... THIS is the "tiring part" of family pictures time.

Yes, it's true... "we create our own memories". You see the old lady and old man together with all their kids, grandkids, whatever. 

It's all more of a mom and pop display of their X and Y chromosomes, and a family celebration of random assortment.

I'd suggest a photo session with your parents and his, and even with your kids in the future, if that could happen.

Also, don't think that they wouldn't want their own grandkids in future photos... such writing is actually quite detailing of your own thoughts. Stop being pessimistic.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I'd talk firmly to your husband so he can make sure he includes you when you are both there. If he says Sherry, come on be in the photo, that will probably be sufficient.


----------



## sherryberry (Feb 16, 2015)

Thanks for all the supportive responses everyone. Just a few more questions.
1. Is it okay to only have photos with her children? I can see from time to time if she wants them but every single time and then have a "separate" one for the spouses would make me feel like a "just in case we divorce" type photo...like if every single time she needs to have her blood nuclear family and then a separate one would be messed up. What are your thoughts?

2. How about grandchildren? If let's say I have a child. I could imagine her wanting the child in the photo and perhaps including me. Anyone else think it would suck to only be allowed in the "Blood" nuclear family until I birth a kin?

3. Also, I don't think the men spouses care lol so I'll look like the bad guy.

Just curious here. I can't imagine a grandmother wanting to take a "family" photo without her grandchild!


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

sherryberry said:


> Thanks for all the supportive responses everyone. Just a few more questions.
> 1. Is it okay to only have photos with her children? I can see from time to time if she wants them but every single time and then have a "separate" one for the spouses would make me feel like a "just in case we divorce" type photo...like if every single time she needs to have her blood nuclear family and then a separate one would be messed up. What are your thoughts?
> 
> I think it's okay. My in-laws do that, with pictures of my MIL or FIL and just their kids(my husband and his siblings). I don't have an issue with it. There are times when I am in the pictures and times when I'm not.
> ...


I think if you have an issue with this, bring it up with your husband. Tell him that you feel hurt and left out. Then he can bring it up with his family.


----------

