# First Time Here



## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Hello... I am posting for the first time. I spent virtually all day reading posts and threads. It seems to be very helpful. I am on day 4 of a separation from my H. We have been married just over a year and that seems pathetic. We are both on our second marriage after being single for 7 and 10 years. I waited for the 'right guy' saying many times during that 10 years that it is better to delay than divorce. Now I am sitting here separated. This is basically a mutual decision but I am the one who really took the step to leave. We fought so much our first year.. in summary, alchohol was a major issue for most of our marriage and now he is 50 days sober so I am proud of him. H is passive aggressive and has said that he has a very hard time connecting and doesn't know HOW to love somebody. I am a woman who desires a deep connection and I am very sexual. Something we talked about in dating and he said that he was too. We have not had sex or any meaningful intimacy for going on 9 months now. He says it is because of his weight, and the fact that we fight so much his head can't get into it. It seems to be a myth that men can have sex no matter what. In our case it is the man who avoids sex while I crave that connection and physical connection. He is about 80 pounds heavier than he should be and it definately impacts his stamina, desire and ability to perform. I am 43 and he is 44. I am an attractive and healthy woman. It seems like every man I meet is trying to sleep with me or flirt ... I am only interested in my own husband but he avoids sex with me.. its too ironic! I would love even cuddling or holding each other... nope. It reminds me of when I was pregnant during my first marriage and I would do anything to avoid touch or contact because I was scared it would lead to sex. The roles are reversed now. It has become a major issue now because he is not attending Dr. appointments or sleep studys .. all things that could impact his health and help get to the bottom of why he is so disinterested in sex. I am certain that its physical, its mental, its passive aggressive, it's his fear of rejection, intimacy... the list is so long. All I know is that I am now feeling insecure , lonely, rejected, angry, sad. Not at all how I EVER was before we got married. I love him and I am sure he loves me too. We only dated 6 months before getting married because we were so sure that God orchestrated our meeting and although there were some "signs" I believed that they were just normal getting to know each other stuff. We both were very independent and strong willed and spent so many years single I expected some growing pains. But THIS is sooo hard. For much of our marriage I realize he pulls the 180 on me! He will go silent on the phone, not call me when I am out of town. Use brief, cool texts to communicate. He KNOWS this is one thing that will drive me crazy and hurts me. It's his way of controlling things. I just want my husband to LOVE me and to be each others best friend. Why these games and such resistance and withdrawing behavior. He basically raised himself and wasn't shown much love or affection. SO what!! I am sympathetic to that but feel adults can choose to do differently for themselves and their own family. Read, study go to counseling, join forums. Figure it out or lose your wife.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Is he losing his erection?


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

No... we aren't even trying anything. its not porn or an affair.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Conrad I read a very long thread yesterday about sadwithtwolittlegirls. You had a lot of good advice.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ToothFairy said:


> Conrad I read a very long thread yesterday about sadwithtwolittlegirls. You had a lot of good advice.


You do realize you are subordinating your happiness to how he responds to you.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Dang you can come over to my place.

Just Kidding. or was I?

Sad's thread just do the opposite of what he does. 

Listen to Conrad that's what I did.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Conrad.. can you explain? I think I know where you are going. But I guess I am angry that I have to employ these tactics after 1 year of marriage - after being what I thought was selective and marrying someone ""normal. What I think I know about my H is that if I do the 180 - I do this sometimes already.. but if I really go for it. My H is more stubborn and proud then me and he will probable outlast me and not make any effort to fight for me. I can't help but feel unhappy that I cant just be in a normal, good, healthy and sexually free relationship with the man i married!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ToothFairy said:


> Conrad.. can you explain? I think I know where you are going. But I guess I am angry that I have to employ these tactics after 1 year of marriage - after being what I thought was selective and marrying someone ""normal. What I think I know about my H is that if I do the 180 - I do this sometimes already.. but if I really go for it. My H is more stubborn and proud then me and he will probable outlast me and not make any effort to fight for me. I can't help but feel unhappy that I cant just be in a normal, good, healthy and sexually free relationship with the man i married!


Imagine employing them after 11... or 15... or 20?

Smile girl.

We can help you.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

ToothFairy said:


> . What I think I know about my H is that if I do the 180 - I do this sometimes already.. but if I really go for it. My H is more stubborn and proud then me and he will probable outlast me and not make any effort to fight for me. I can't help but feel unhappy that I cant just be in a normal, good, healthy and sexually free relationship with the man i married!


The 180 isn't for him. It's for *you.*

Him possibly coming around is a perk, but the method is so you can keep your own sanity. 

Regarding his sobriety, I'm nearing a year, and it's a long, hard road. I commend him. But I don't commend him on his actions. Passive-agression and silly mind games have no place in a mature relationship, let alone a marriage.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Just an impression, but it sounds like he has some hangups about manhood...and is possibly having hard time stepping into that role, feeling overweight and nonsexual. It can be quite depressing...not to mention effects of alcohol dependency...which just arrests your emotional development and coping. He is probably feeling a lot of pain now (past and present) that booze had allowed to remain dormant...and now has to still probably work stuff out that he didn't with childhood, father issues, first marriage ending. Sorry to hear about your predicament...for it sounds like you are rearing and ready to go...and the new person who you chose to accompany you is tripping up. Hold your boundaries, be supportive, and realize his behavior is not about you.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Wow..I can see getting on this forum is going to be immensely helpful. Am I making a good decision to leave and give each of us some space. I believe it was getting to the point that my need to confront and solve was driving him further away..and it's been confirmed after reading Ll these posts. So by leaving I thought it would allow us both some room to work our issues out and stop the madness that had become our relationship. I left our home in Portland and moved in with my brother in Seattle. I can work up here. my plan is to stay until he actually wants me to come home ...and if he doesn't then I won't. I left everything my family, sold my house , left my awesome job , GAVE MY DOG AWAY to move there with him. I only resent the sacrifice because of the state of our marriage. I would be glad otherwise. So please ...what is the wise thing to do. Am I only reinforcing the idea in his mind that no relationship is safe , he is abandoned and justifies his self perfection mode. Or, is this his issue to work out and I don't need to stick around for that? I want to be a loving supportive wife but as mentioned above I'm feeling pretty poorly myself as a result of his punishing behavior. Withholding, withdrawing, stonewalling...it's like he can't help himself.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

And I am no doormat. I am just confused now - the lines between unconditional, patient love and my own needs and emotions are blurred.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

And I am no doormat. I am just confused now - 
the lines between unconditional, patient love and my own needs and emotions are blurred.

He just texted me and asked
"Do you think we'll make it"?

What should I say?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ToothFairy said:


> And I am no doormat. I am just confused now -
> the lines between unconditional, patient love and my own needs and emotions are blurred.
> 
> He just texted me and asked
> ...


Send back the following:

We both have work to do


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this, but glad you found TAM (and Conrad).

I have a similar husband. Alcohol, passive aggressive tendencies, unusual childhood ,resulting in a lack of relationship skills. My husband also refuses sex, but does insist on cuddling, hugging. I was HD, I'm no longer.
Mu husband is 10 weeks sober, although today I question whether he lapsed or not. 

Stick around. Glad to hear you have taken some space for yourself.

I think the most important thing you can do is work on yourself, and getting back your self confidence. 

I"m a fixer. I also had all the frustrations of thinking "if he just read this book or do this or that".... but in the end I had to admit that it wasn't my business to do so. He is free to live his life the way he wants to, and who am I to judge that what he is doing is wrong, and my way is right? I had to let all that go. In order to be truly free. 

Would you consider yourself a "fixer"?


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

deeply..thank you for your post. What is HD? I suppose I am a fixer. I'm definately a do-er. I solve problems and create my own life. I'm very close to my family and my two grown sons. I have friends that I have been close too since childhood. I says thought I was decent at relationships. But I find myself in such a crazy situation at only 1 year of marriage! Seems unthinkable.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ToothFairy said:


> deeply..thank you for your post. What is HD? I suppose I am a fixer. I'm definately a do-er. I solve problems and create my own life. I'm very close to my family and my two grown sons. I have friends that I have been close too since childhood. I says thought I was decent at relationships. But I find myself in such a crazy situation at only 1 year of marriage! Seems unthinkable.


I know this won't help you sleep.

I figure that's a good thing.

An Overview of the Drama Triangle


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

HD is high sex drive,
I'm a problem solver too. Makes me excellent at my job. 

The definition of passive aggressive actions is crazy making behavior.

It's not a reflection on you. It really isn't. 

Passive aggressive behavior works best with codependent people (fixers) and less than adequate boundaries. (that is\was me)

There isn't much logic to apply to passive aggressive. Boundaries do work, though. 

Enforcing boundaries takes some self confidence. 
The cycle is that PA wears down your confidence.

One day at a time, best wishes that you are able to find some direction, peace, and comfort.


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