# Best custodial arrangements?



## LonelyHiker (Dec 15, 2020)

Starting the D process; wife and I have been discussing what custody will look like. We both agree 50/50 is best. Question is does alternating weeks work better than every few days? W thinks it will be easier on kids the fewer days in between seeing either of us, she thinks a whole week in between will be too much? What has worked for others and what should we be watching out for or considering?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It depends on your kids ages, their needs, and how far apart you will be living. At 15, 13, 11, and 8, you may need to be more flexible and have different arrangements for the older kids and youngest. You may also need to give the teens more freedom so they feel like they have some control. 

My daughter is 10. The schedule with her sperm donor changes constantly but when we had 50/50 it looked like this (works out with holiday time) and she HATED the back and forth every few days. She choose to spend all of July with him and all of August with us, and that worked for her. She wanted to spend 1-2 weeks at a time with each parent during the school year but that wasn't possible. 









Whatever you end up choosing, keep in mind plans may change as you all settle into living apart and figure out what the kids need.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

LonelyHiker said:


> Starting the D process; wife and I have been discussing what custody will look like. We both agree 50/50 is best. Question is does alternating weeks work better than every few days? W thinks it will be easier on kids the fewer days in between seeing either of us, she thinks a whole week in between will be too much? What has worked for others and what should we be watching out for or considering?


Your kids will be better off week on, week off. Having a very set schedule is best. Otherwise whichever parent is the disciplinarian and actually tries to train them to be good, hard working people— they will constantly come up with reasons not to see that latent so much. They also won’t be able to keep up with school books, backpacks, etc. They need to KNOW that they will be sticking to the schedule or you will be driven batshit crazy by all their demands to do this and that, switch this day or that. I left this at mom’s house. When are we going back to mom’s? When are we going back to dad’s? They need to know, and you need to stick to it. If you are lucky, your ex will want time to spend with her new man and ask you to take them more. Whichever parent they spend the most time with, that will be the one they subconsciously think is home. Everyone wants to be HOME. Try to make your place home. When you get a new woman, and I predict that will be very soon, you’d better think twice about giving your wife extra time while you chase women, or they’ll stop wanting to be with you.

I don’t have a set time, and didn’t fit very long. It was awful. Now, I get my kids whenever I can and my eldest is in college. My middle child I don’t get often because she goes to school closer to her moms place and because I bore her.
My youngest I get about half the time or more. But I don’t have a set schedule and it gets annoying.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Children are obviously different and what works for one won’t necessarily work for the others. My grandchildren originally spent a week with each parent. They never adjusted to that schedule. They felt their parents both had a home but they didn’t have one that was 100% theirs and that they were constantly going back and forth, etc. For them, shared custody didn’t work and when each child reached the age of choice (around 14 in my state) they were allowed to live with one parent full-time. Some children need the stability of one home and some don’t. You’ll have to see how yours do with their new normal.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Having observed years of shared custody with my grandchildren, and all that goes with it, I would strongly stress flexibility in coparenting. It helps greatly if the parents can cooperate and keep the best interests of the children in mind. My grandchildren have one cooperative parent and one uncooperative parent. That made for some difficult years until they reached the age where they could choose to live with one parent full-time. Yes, the parent they didn’t choose to live with resented their choice — and made sure they knew it — but they were much better off with one parent full-time. Of course, not all situations are the same, just as not all children are the same, but in general the more flexible you can be the happier your children will be.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

LonelyHiker said:


> Starting the D process; wife and I have been discussing what custody will look like. We both agree 50/50 is best. Question is does alternating weeks work better than every few days? W thinks it will be easier on kids the fewer days in between seeing either of us, she thinks a whole week in between will be too much? What has worked for others and what should we be watching out for or considering?


Go for as much custody as you can get. Your wife will probably be more flexible now because the more you have the kids the more freedom for the boyfriend to come visit while the kids are gone. Might as well use that to your advantage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LonelyHiker said:


> Starting the D process; wife and I have been discussing what custody will look like. We both agree 50/50 is best. Question is does alternating weeks work better than every few days? W thinks it will be easier on kids the fewer days in between seeing either of us, she thinks a whole week in between will be too much? What has worked for others and what should we be watching out for or considering?


If you are going for 50% custody, I think for the ages your children are one week with each would be better but being that the older ones are the age they are, cant you talk to them all about what they would prefer? Better to get them involved as you dont know what they think would be best for them.
To be honest if I was in their position and you lived near each other I would prefer to be based in one home with all my stuff, but free to pop over to go see the other parent when I wanted to.


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## CrazyCatz (Jan 19, 2021)

LonelyHiker said:


> Starting the D process; wife and I have been discussing what custody will look like. We both agree 50/50 is best. Question is does alternating weeks work better than every few days? W thinks it will be easier on kids the fewer days in between seeing either of us, she thinks a whole week in between will be too much? What has worked for others and what should we be watching out for or considering?


I basically have the same question. My kids are both teens. My ex and I have been separated for a year now. Kids have been moving back and forth once a week. Those transition days are stressful for everyone. Initially, one kid moved without complaint and the other was extremely flustered. Then over the course of this past year they have switched. Now the one who was flustered moves with ease, and the one who moved with ease is seeming more and more depressed about the whole experience (although once he moves, he seems to settle in quickly, it's just the moving itself that he seems to really dislike).

I have no idea what's best. It probably depends on the parents, the kids, and a host of other factors. How old are your kids? With younger kids, every few days might work better. For teens, maybe longer rotations would work better. Again, that depends a lot on all the people involved. From what I've experienced thus far, it's been very difficult to find a schedule that suits everyone well. Sigh.


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## LonelyHiker (Dec 15, 2020)

CrazyCatz said:


> I basically have the same question. My kids are both teens. My ex and I have been separated for a year now. Kids have been moving back and forth once a week. Those transition days are stressful for everyone. Initially, one kid moved without complaint and the other was extremely flustered. Then over the course of this past year they have switched. Now the one who was flustered moves with ease, and the one who moved with ease is seeming more and more depressed about the whole experience (although once he moves, he seems to settle in quickly, it's just the moving itself that he seems to really dislike).
> 
> I have no idea what's best. It probably depends on the parents, the kids, and a host of other factors. How old are your kids? With younger kids, every few days might work better. For teens, maybe longer rotations would work better. Again, that depends a lot on all the people involved. From what I've experienced thus far, it's been very difficult to find a schedule that suits everyone well. Sigh.


kids are 15, 13, 11, and 8. 

In Michigan, when they are 17, they can decide who to live with. After doing some reading, the judge can interview the kids and take their interest to heart in determining which one they stay with. As of now, we are both agreeing that 50/50 is best, and that shorter durations between is better.

Because she has always been the stay at home mom, i think the shorter durations will be better in the beginning for me as well. She has always taken care of the dinner-time routine and been home when they get out of school. I get home later and either just catch up on dishes/laundry or whatever else is needed that night. It will take me some time to get a meal plan set-up and get my routine down by myself, let alone having kids in the mix. She has always gotten groceries and planned the week ect. Getting thrown into a week at a time in the beginning would be a bigger learning curve for me. Not that I can't do it.. I can cook and manage things... but for 20 years, that has always been her domain. Similarly, her getting a full time job is scaring her because I have always been that to her. She is worried that she can't work full time and maintain a household with the kids. I reminded her that you'll only have the kids 1/2 the time.. so the days they are not there are the days you get to catch up.

Either way, it will suck for them regardless.... either they will be switching too much or going too long between seeing each of us. No win-win situation here for anyone involved.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Fifty/fifty custody sounds good on paper but it requires a lot of cooperation and compromise to work well. Many divorced parents can’t or won’t do that and the children pay the price. I didn’t divorce until my child was well into adulthood but I watched my grandchildren go through years of it. They unfortunately just never adjusted to fifty/fifty (it didn’t help that they had one very uncooperative parent). Hopefully, your children will have a much different situation.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What you also have to prepare for is the possibility that they won’t all stay together the entire time they are going through this. My grandchildren all started out together but that changed as each got old enough to choose although eventually they were all back together again.


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