# Should your spouse’s happiness come before the happiness of others?



## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Here’s a little background information. My husband and I have been married for 8 years. He is 38 and I’ll be turning 28 this month. We have a 3 year old son and 3 month old twin boys. 

I just posted on here about a week ago about an issue that my husband and I were having about our three cats. See the “disagreement about cats” thread in general discussion to read the story on that. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about that thread for the past several days and I’ve also been talking to my mom, who has expressed some concerns about the way my husband treats me. I think the disagreement about the cats may be part of an even bigger issue. 

Basically, my mom said it seems like my husband is not ever willing to make a sacrifice in order for me to be happy. Instead, he always tries to talk me into doing what he wants, or he wants to compromise. I will admit, for a long time I have felt like my husband has a hard time placing me and my happiness above others. He seems to have an especially hard time putting me before his family. 

I will give some examples. His dad and teenaged brother moved up here from another state a few years ago to be closer to my husband. The live in a camper trailer on a campground. Apparently they have no physical address at this campground and no mailbox. So, for the last few years, they’ve been having their mail sent to our mailbox. His brother even put our address on his drivers license. I asked why they can’t just get a P.O. box but my husband said that in our state, a “physical address” is required to get a drivers license. His dad also has a bag of medication sent to him every few months, and according to my husband, he doesn’t think they would deliver them to a P.O. box. I expressed to my husband numerous times that I didn’t like getting their mail and his only solution was “I’ll check the mail so you don’t have to sort through it”. But it’s not just that. It’s the principal of it. I feel like we are being used, and I also just don’t think it’s a good idea to say you live somewhere when you really don’t, especially on government documents such as a driver’s license. I doubt it’s even legal. He just doesn’t understand why it’s a big deal to me. All he cares about is how his dad is going to get his medication. So I finally had enough and decided to go online and it took me literally 5 minutes to find a solution. If you go to the UPS store, they can give you something called a private mailbox, which will allow you to receive packages AND they will provide you with a physical address. I told my husband this, and he let his dad know about it, and supposedly told him that I didn’t want him using our address anymore. Yet still, my husband brought it up yesterday and says he just doesn’t get why it’s a big deal to me. It bugs me that I had to go online and find a solution to his dad’s mail issue in order for my husband to bring it up to his dad and put an end to it. The fact that I said I wasn’t happy about it and wanted it to stop apparently wasn’t enough. 

Another example. When I first met my husband, his dad was actually living with him. His dad had recently divorced, and was paying so much in child support and had so much debt, he couldn’t afford to support himself. So my husband let him stay with him, rent free. His utilities were also free. When I met my husband, we had agreed that by the time we got married, his dad would have to make other arrangements and find someone else to stay with, because it was important that we spend that alone time together as a newly married couple. As the wedding date got closer and closer, I kept asking him if he had talked to his dad about the whole situation, and he just kept putting it off. He would say “I don’t have to talk to him. He will leave on his own”. It drove me nuts. Days before our wedding, his dad was still there and he hadn’t talked to him yet. I decided to marry him anyway. He waits until we get back from our honeymoon a week later to finally pull his dad aside and tell him that he’s going to have to go somewhere else. A few weeks after that, his dad left. So he really didn’t do what we agreed to. We agreed his dad would be gone by our wedding date, but he actually wasn’t gone until weeks after our wedding. I felt like he was putting his dad’s happiness before mine, and I still feel that way. He was so scared to risk offending his dad that he strung me along, assuring me that his dad would “leave on his own”. But I think he knew his dad wasn’t going to leave on his own. I think he was just trying to put off having that conversation with him for as long as possible. Meanwhile, everyday that he put it off, I was stressing myself out about it and going crazy. 

Another example. His mom is an alcoholic and she’s came close to losing her house because she chooses to not work, and she seems to make poor decisions with the money she does have. Years ago (I think it was right after we had gotten married) she called my husband and said she was 2 months behind on her mortgage and she needed $1000 or she was going to lose her house. I expressed to my husband that I didn’t think it was a good idea. It would knock out a huge chunk of our savings account and I worried that she would get herself into the same situation later and would ask us for money again. I felt that throwing money at her was just enabling her and not really helping her solve her problems. He completely disregarded my feelings on this and gave his mom the money. 

Here’s another. I’m a pretty introverted person, and so is my family. I didn’t grow up having a lot of house guests, let alone house guests that stay for days at a time. I do not like staying overnight at other people’s houses, and I don’t like having overnight house guests at my house. It makes me very uncomfortable and gives me great anxiety. I can handle socializing for a bit but at the end of the day, I need my space to go to so I can be alone and recharge. On MANY occassions, my husband has coerced me into either staying at his friends/family members houses, or letting his family/friends sleep at our house. One time when he was working night shift, his cousin stayed overnight at our house while he was at work. It was just me and his cousin alone, so it was really awkward and uncomfortable for me. I think I reluctantly agreed at first, because it was only going to be for one night, but when I realized I was going to be here with him alone, I expressed that I didn’t like the idea. My husband had a total temper tantrum, stormed out of the room and slammed the door. I’ve told him I don’t mind paying for his family to get a hotel room when they visit. He can spend all day long with them, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask that at night time, I get to have some space. I think that since we both live here, we should both be in agreement about this type of thing when it comes to who stays in our house. I guess he’s more worried about offending someone than making me extremely uncomfortable and anxious for days. 

Last example. When he and I met, he had recently gotten a divorce. Him and his ex were married for 4 years, no kids. He told me when we got together that she was living in another state and that he stopped talking to her, and had no clue about what was going on in her life since they divorced. I just kept feeling like he wasn’t being completely honest with me about that. So, I decided to log into his email account and I found a lot of lengthy emails that they’d had been sending back and forth. She was telling him all about her life and her new husband, and he was telling her all about me. There was nothing sexual in the emails but they were talking like they were best friends. This shocked me, seeing as how my husband has always talked to negatively to me about his ex, and seeing as how he claimed to have stop communicating with her. I felt like I had been deceived. I confronted him about it and all he could do was turn it around on me and ask me why I was looking in his email. Yes, I get that it was probably an invasion of his privacy to do that but I did it because I felt he was hiding something, and my suspicions were right. They had no kids together, so I felt they had no reason to talk anymore. She was married again, I felt she needed to move on with her life and let him move on with his. I asked him to tell her that he wasn’t interested in socializing with her anymore, but yet it still didn’t immediately stop. Again, I felt he was putting someone else’s feelings (his EX of all people) before mine. 

I think that whenever a compromise can be made, it’s ideal. That way, both people can be happy. But sometimes, if it’s a really important issue to one person, the other person has to be willing to sacrifice in order to make the other happy. Do you think it sounds like he doesn’t put me first? How can I have a conversation with him about this without him feeling like I’m attacking him?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I don't see any compromise in your descriptions. I only see you wanting him to sacrifice. 

I get that you feel as if you don't come first. You feel what you feel. 

But why did you marry him? It seems like neither of you appreciate the others' lifestyle. Pets, family, entertaining, issues.... ya'll seem like opposites on everything. 

2 things that I see from your post.
1....you put your foot down AT him and tell him what he needs to do, whether he likes that idea or not, and you get upset about the timetable of it. I just think that that is not conducive to either of ya'lls contentment, or a couple building practice. I'm not a guy, but I'd think that he'd just drag his feet more every time you tell him what he must do. Ever hear of the Love Busters? 

2. I can't remember what the other thing was. But I pretty much am on his side with everything except the email. That is crappy. I really think that all the other things are just "different raisin' ". 

Not sure what you can do about being opposites. Go to counseling? Seems like you both need a neutral party to intervene and help you each see the other side. Compromise WOULD be a good thing, but nobody is. Maybe a marriage counselor can teach ya'll to compromise?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

*Re: Should your spouse’s happiness come before the happiness of others?*



SunnyT said:


> I don't see any compromise in your descriptions. I only see you wanting him to sacrifice.
> 
> I get that you feel as if you don't come first. You feel what you feel.
> 
> ...


I pretty much agree with this analysis.

Your "compromises" really aren't honest compromises. They come off to me as unwilling concessions because you couldn't get your way totally; and you harbor resentment that you don't get your way totally.

It's like any other deal made between two parties. If you want to sell your car for $10,000 and the buyer only thinks it's worth $5000, you might compromise and seal a deal at $7,500. But if that's the compromise, then it does no good for you to nurse the belief that the buyer is a thief that cheated you out of $2,500. If this is someone with whom you will do future business, you will approach the next deal with the mindset that this "thief" is going to try to cheat you in the next deal as well. It just doesn't lead to a mutually respectful business relationship.

I don't know why you continue to live like this. I don't think you really understand how to compromise with others and never learned to live with others in a nonconflicted way. In the whole scheme of things, these are really petty issues you are focusing on. It looks to me that you don't do well when you don't get your way. I think you are going to have a lot of problems in this marriage...and your next one.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

*Re: Should your spouse’s happiness come before the happiness of others?*

And, by the way, I wouldn't put too much stock in the fact that your mom "expressed concerns about the way he treats me." If, as it looks to me, you do indeed have a problem with compromise and not getting your way, then typically the parent (i.e. your mom) is the chief architect of this.  So, of course she would think that you should always get your way.


Here's an extreme example:


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Since the beginning of July you have had several threads--complaining about in-laws dogs, am I being unreasonable? about the trailer/mail situation you mention in this post, and now this one. Strangers aren't the best way to smooth your marriage unless you are looking for a place to vent.

You are banking up resentments, not letting go of past perceived wrongs. I'm thinking marriage counseling would be helpful in many areas of your lives.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You were approximately 20 and he 30 when you married. Sounds like a big disparity in level of maturity.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

OP, I'm sorry, but all your examples seem like nitpicking and looking for reasons to be upset to me.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

*Re: Should your spouse’s happiness come before the happiness of others?*

The way to a happy marriage is not being right all the time. It's learning how to make the other person happy and the other person making you happy. Compromise. 

You can be right or you can be happy. You have control over this.

I understand that you want the new house to be perfect and for it to stay clean and sparkling forever. The reality is you have young kids. Kids don't care for neat and tidy and sparkling clean. They are going to run, make a mess and create havoc. That's the nature of children. So you need to get that perfect image out of your head and create a fun, loving and peaceful home.

Stop thinking of your husband as being wrong and nitpick on everything he does, you are creating a very bad atmosphere of negative thinking. Which will only begin to flow in a loop and lead to a bad outcome. Like you husband not wanting to come home and staying away from home. You think negative thoughts constantly and you end up with negative results. 

Make a nice animal house in the backyard for the pets. You can go so far as to enclose some space in the backyard with chicken wires so the pets don't run off. Create a climbing wall for the cats around the space and put a bird feeder outside so that can have natural entertainment. Do the same for the dogs with a house and let them play and stay outside in a nice shed. You can do so many things to have pets that are not kept indoors. By the way pets in garage is a bad idea unless it has been converted to have ac and with windows or door that they can see out of.

The postbox idea was great. Don't let other people mail come to your house.

How bad is it to put up with company for a day or two? You have kids, let them get to know their family. Family is important to children's development and growth. It let them know that they have people to love and support them incase mummy and daddy can't be there. I remember when my kids were small and someone died, my kids wanted to know what will happen to them if we died. So, we asked them who would they like to live with if we died. They choose their dad's cousin wife and one of their dad's cousin. It was their choice because they knew they had people to support them. And that's how we drew up the guardianship with the consent of the adults involved. This gave our kids a lot of peace of mind.

You have to get used to having a full house. YOur kids will grow up and have friends. And if you have a warm and inviting home, you get lucky and they all will want to come to your house.>

How you treat people when they come to your house says alot about you. Your husband will have more respect and love for you if you treat his family with kindness and respect. Of course you have your limits but you can be firm and have boundaries, while showing kindness and respect.

BeCareful. Stop telling your mum all of your martial businesses. Because she would come to dislike your husband and create more animosity than is needed. 

Ask yourself....What do you want? A happy home? A loving home? Or A clean, sparking home with no love and peace? Which will lead to your husband becoming so unhappy that he leaves....

Happiness is a choice.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I agree with pretty much all the responses so far, I think your situation would lend itself well to some marriage counseling. I think there are some issues you just need to suck up and be more generous, your husband appears to be a pleaser and doesn't like to say no to people. You are a strong introvert so I can totally understand you being uncomfortable with people staying at your house, maybe the deal to be struck is they can stay with you but the rule is your husband has to be there to entertain the guest so you can go to a quite room and recharge. 

A good counselor could help you both negotiate these types of issues.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: Should your spouse’s happiness come before the happiness of others?*

*The secret of a great marriage is "loving compromise" and "absence of resentment!"

Without it, you're absolutely doomed!*


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The difference of 20 and 30yrs age difference is, at those stages, a different level of maturity.

It's not a bad thing but adds context to ways each may look at things.

At 30 it's likely one has more reality in their world view and more real life things mixed in their life such as adult relationships with parents and siblings and looking to just find answers to issues and move in.

Like the medicine/mailbox issue. He helped father, solution was working, one more challenge solved.

Mom needed 1000.00 dollars to keep her house? No brainer. Money well spent. Where was Mom to go? Another problem solved.
Mom wasn't perfect in helping create the problem but at times in life, we're all not aways perfect. Real life here.

If the Mom thing happened 6 times in a row, that would be different. 

Like folks have been mentioning it does seem like a list of ultimatums rather than compromise. 

That said, it sounds like you're interested in finding the best way to to improve your M and that's great. In all good Ms each spouse improves as time goes on. 

I believe you, and he, will. 

Help him find solutions to any problems, be open to there may be more than one way to skin the cat, and the path may smooth out.

You can do it


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Ive read each of your replies and I get where you’re all coming from. Honestly, I don’t think anyone that I got with would match up to my parent’s standards. My husband does a lot for our family and he has a lot of good qualities. My mom looks at it like he’s just so lucky to have me that he should worship the ground I walk on and I guess that he should just do whatever I ask of him without any question. I don’t really see things that way though. I think I’m lucky to have him too. He works a lot of hours, which allows me to be a stay at home mom, and he misses out on spending time with me and the kids so we can have everything we want and need. 

I talked to my husband last night about the things I posted here and he actually apologized for some of that stuff that he had done in the past. I do feel like the email thing with his ex made me lose some trust in him, and I don’t know if I’ve ever fully trusted him after that, even though he’s never done anything other than that to make me not trust him. That was the beginning of our relationship though, so it was a crucial time. Thats something that I think would be beneficial to talk to a marriage therapist about. 

I agree that it is more important to have a happy, loving home and to compromise when possible so that both people can be satisfied, rather than to be “right” or to win all the time. Thank you for helping put things into perspective. I think my husband and I have started to drift apart since having twins and a 3 year old, and with him working so much. I do want to improve though, so I think we should take the advice about getting some counseling and I plan on having my parents babysit soon so we can go on a movie date. We haven’t went on a date since before the twins.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

When asked such a loaded question as yours, I usually find that both parties are both right and wrong and that the party asking the question has reasonable and absurd reasons for asking. As such, I approached your post fully expecting to find that principle applies and didn't have to read very far. Therefore, I stopped reading after the story about the mail and mailbox because it's a non-issue that you are making a big deal about. It also doesn't involve you and doesn't, and really shouldn't, concern you.

The real problem is caring for small children is a big job especially 3 of them. Motherhood has never been fun or easy. We were just fooled into thinking it was. But it's hard as heck and can be very frustrating, not to mention lonely. You need an outlet for other ways to express yourself and other avenues to channel your adult energy. Gaga-ing and googoo-ing all day makes you NEED adult interaction and conversation. So find yourself an outlet. 

Also, you and your husband talked once. You had conversations you both enjoyed that didn't involve complaining or the subjects of kids and cats and mailboxes. Start doing that again. If the kids don't have a bed time, they should, so start one. 8 or 9 o'clock for kids that young. After their bedtime is the time for you and hubby to reconnect. And don't just watch TV or sit next to each other on your individual devices. And don't complain about anything either. Talk. Laugh. Make love. Have fun. Enjoy each other's company.

And, as I always tell SAHMs, you should be working or in school. No woman has any business just being home with kids all day. You have to prepare for the future time that you will NEED to have an education and a job. I'm not trying to offend you. For all I know, you might already have an education, in which case you need to be working. You will very likely find later on that re-entering the workforce isn't as easy as you thought it would be when you left it to have children. If you don't have an education, now is the time to do it. Life won't always be like it is right now. Life-changing things happen when least expected and after you've spent many years of your life being committed to what you want your life to be. So prepare for the unexpected so you can take care of yourself and your children without your parents' assistance when the time comes.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I meant to also add that your husband should be helping you with the house, kids, and cats (if they move to the new house with you). Just because you are a SAHM mom doesn't mean you are exhaustingly responsible for everything and everyone just because they dwell inside the house. He should be helping you with washing dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, changing diapers, soothing babies, bathing babies, putting the kids to bed, and reading bedtime stories, etc.

If he doesn't do these things and complains about you asking him to help you, then you will know if you have a selfish husband who doesn't consider you and your feelings. Just because he works outside the home doesn't exempt him from daddy duty or being your husband. He lives there too, so he should be actively participating.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

*Re: Should your spouse’s happiness come before the happiness of others?*



SunnyT said:


> I don't see any compromise in your descriptions. I only see you wanting him to sacrifice.
> 
> I get that you feel as if you don't come first. You feel what you feel.
> 
> ...


I pretty much agree with everything in SunnyT's post. 
@september_sky, are you by chance an only child? Also, you need to stop talking to your Mom about the issues in your marriage. #1, it's none of her business, and #2, it doesn't serve to actually help you, all she does is take your side because you're her child, so of course she's going to take your side. 

As to the issue with your Father in-law's medication, of course your husband was more interested in getting that to his Dad than what you wanted in that situation. 

I'm with all the other who say that you guys should really think about doing marriage counselling. I'm not sure it would save your marriage, but it would at least shed some light on things for each of you.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

StarFires said:


> When asked such a loaded question as yours, I usually find that both parties are both right and wrong and that the party asking the question has reasonable and absurd reasons for asking. As such, I approached your post fully expecting to find that principle applies and didn't have to read very far. Therefore, I stopped reading after the story about the mail and mailbox because it's a non-issue that you are making a big deal about. It also doesn't involve you and doesn't, and really shouldn't, concern you.
> 
> The real problem is caring for small children is a big job especially 3 of them. Motherhood has never been fun or easy. We were just fooled into thinking it was. But it's hard as heck and can be very frustrating, not to mention lonely. You need an outlet for other ways to express yourself and other avenues to channel your adult energy. Gaga-ing and googoo-ing all day makes you NEED adult interaction and conversation. So find yourself an outlet.
> 
> ...


I fully agree with that last paragraph. I actually was working on getting my degree but then I found out I was pregnant with the twins so I decided to take a break from school until they got a little older because it was going to be extremely difficult to take care of twin babies plus a toddler and going to school at the same time. I’m glad I did bechsse I was an emotional wreck after the twins were born and I don’t think I could have handled anything else. I plan on finishing when they are a bit older, probably within the next year or two. I have bad social anxiety, so I put off school for a while but I did finally talk myself into going because like you said, you never know what will happen in the future, and I want to be able to support myself and my kids. 

I do have a question though. You think the mailbox thing is a non issue, and my husband obviously does too. He looks at it like you do. Like why is it a problem for him to use our mailbox? But... I could say the same thing. Why is it a problem for his dad to go to the UPS store and get his own mailbox? Just because it might cost him maybe $30 a month as opposed to using ours for free? That’s the only reason I can think of. And if that’s the case, it makes me feel like we are being used, and I don’t like that. His dad and brother are both working, they don’t have car payments, they don’t have a mortgage, all they have is utilities like their electric/water bill. $30-40 a month shouldn’t make or break them. And if it does, maybe they need to get second jobs if they’re doing that bad. I mean just because he doesn’t feel we are being used and thinks it’s not an issue, if it’s an issue to me, shouldn’t it be important to him too? Or is it required that we have to agree with/understand why our spouse has a problem with something in order to take their side? I’m genuinely curious. I mean I can see if I was asking something totally outrageous why he would be resistant but simply asking to not let his family use our mailbox when they have other options, I don’t think that’s an outlandish request.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I understand the mailbox/mailing address issue. Your address isn't their address. Do they list your address as their official address? What about taxes? What address do they put on those?

I don't want anyone else's mail to come to my address, long term, unless I live with them!


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

*Re: Should your spouse’s happiness come before the happiness of others?*

So, I went back and finished reading your post, and while I think my first response still applies, I also think - and hopefully without you taking offense - that you seem incredibly selfish. You make mountains of anthills, and you stated:

_"I think that whenever a compromise can be made, it’s ideal. That way, both people can be happy. *But sometimes, if it’s a really important issue to one person, the other person has to be willing to sacrifice in order to make the other happy. Do you think it sounds like he doesn’t put me first?.

But your sense of compromise and thinking/wondering that he doesn't place you first are only skewed in your own direction. You don't want to compromise, you don't sacrifice for what's important to him, and you don't put him first. You just want him to do those things for you.

Really, September-Sky, complaining and not wanting him to help his family out, even for just the first time, makes you look pretty bad as a human being. Neither of those issues were anything to complain about, but you complained about them, which means you didn't care if his father had to become homeless and his mother lost her house and would also have to live on the street. But that HE cared about his PARENTS, of all people, meant nothing to you.

"How can I have a conversation with him about this without him feeling like I’m attacking him?"

You don't have a conversation with him about this. Not about any of this. The first thing you have to do is commit to becoming the spouse for him that you expect him to be for you. Compromise with him. Place his needs and desires before your own. And make the same sacrifices for him.

The way to do that is by adopting and religiously following the Policy of Joint Agreement. The Policy of Joint Agreement means neither you nor he are allowed to think of yourselves and what you individually want. You can only consider what HE wants because his happiness is all that is important to you, and he only considers what YOU want because your happiness is all that is important to him. When you are committed to each other in this way, then matters are easily settled because compromise is easily achieved.

In the case of him loaning his mother money to prevent foreclosure, your reasoning was wrong and unfounded. That she might constantly return to bleed the well dry was no reason to help her out in the first place. Instead of saying no to her request, your job was to consider his feelings and his desire to help out his mom. A better suggestion might have been to agree to giving her the money out of the goodness of your heart to prevent foreclosure on that occasion with the stipulation that you guys wouldn't be able to accommodate future requests. It was wrong to make him feel like he was being unreasonable for wanting to help his mom as an affront to you. It's what people do when they grow up, help out their parents instead of expecting their parents to continue helping them.

His father's financial situation hadn't changed, but you insisted he had to go. Where did you expect him to go? Did you want him to go live with someone else? But how would that have been any different or any better for his dad? To pawn him off on someone else or send him to live under a bridge or homeless shelter was not a solution. Since you didn't want him there, you may have helped find a way for him to get housing assistance (many people don't know about senior citizen subsidized housing or something like that) or for your husband to help him out with his debts to relieve some of his financial obligations in order to afford a place of his own.

You and he agree that you will think of him first and he will think of you first. Discuss issues and devise solutions. Don't complain and insist he does everything you want done your way. You want to feel he loves you, and he needs to feel loved too.*_


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

*Re: Should your spouse’s happiness come before the happiness of others?*



september_sky said:


> I do have a question though. You think the mailbox thing is a non issue, and my husband obviously does too. He looks at it like you do. Like why is it a problem for him to use our mailbox? But... I could say the same thing. Why is it a problem for his dad to go to the UPS store and get his own mailbox? Just because it might cost him maybe $30 a month as opposed to using ours for free? That’s the only reason I can think of. And if that’s the case, it makes me feel like we are being used, and I don’t like that. His dad and brother are both working, they don’t have car payments, they don’t have a mortgage, all they have is utilities like their electric/water bill. $30-40 a month shouldn’t make or break them. And if it does, maybe they need to get second jobs if they’re doing that bad. I mean just because he doesn’t feel we are being used and thinks it’s not an issue, if it’s an issue to me, shouldn’t it be important to him too? Or is it required that we have to agree with/understand why our spouse has a problem with something in order to take their side? I’m genuinely curious. I mean I can see if I was asking something totally outrageous why he would be resistant but simply asking to not let his family use our mailbox when they have other options, I don’t think that’s an outlandish request.


Good for you for going back to school. I'm excited that we agree on that point, but I hope you won't leave it as an uncertainty. Make a definite plan for when you will resume classes and stick to that time frame. Hopefully sooner than later because it's never actually going to be a good time to do. The universe won't send an ideal time, so you have to commit to it for yourself and your kids. Maybe start with taking one or two online classes before delving into a full schedule.

I'm afraid we aren't going to agree on the mailbox issue but to answer your questions: 

1. I don't see it as them using you guys. I see it as them saving the money they likely don't have to spend, and a second job might not be so convenient, particularly with you saying they don't have transportation. Living in a trailer puts in mind of them living in a rural area, which usually don't have reliable public transportation. Being a woman up in age as I am (58), you have no right to suggest a second job. His father might not be physically able to handle it despite outward appearances. To say they are using you sounds like a convenient grasp at reasoning, but it's unreasonable. No one is using you. They are using your address, which doesn't affect you in the least. If it comes down to a matter of insurance, your husband should never allow them to drive his car.

2. You can't keep expecting that what's important to you to be the only important thing to him since you don't do the same.

I wonder where is your sense of family. Does it only mean your own family? Does it mean family helps you out, but they are not family if you have to help them out?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

*Re: Should your spouse’s happiness come before the happiness of others?*



september_sky said:


> Ive read each of your replies and I get where you’re all coming from. Honestly, I don’t think anyone that I got with would match up to my parent’s standards. My husband does a lot for our family and he has a lot of good qualities. *My mom looks at it like he’s just so lucky to have me that he should worship the ground I walk on and I guess that he should just do whatever I ask of him without any question.*


This is a red flag. 

Your mother in the long term will not be a good support for your marriage because she doesn't see him as an equal to you. Over time, her comments will erode your marriage bit by bit, like water wearing away at a foundation.

You may think you're immune to her comments because you CURRENTLY don't agree, but believe me, when difficult times come in your marriage--which it always does for everyone--the seeds of her comments will land on more fertile ground and reinforce any negatively you may have. 

KEEP YOUR MOTHER OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE. You can only lose. DO NOT TALK TO HER AT ALL ABOUT ANY DIFFICULTIES YOU HAVE IN YOUR MARRIAGE. Find a different sounding board, one that will support your MARRIAGE, not just support you alone.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

*Re: Should your spouse’s happiness come before the happiness of others?*



september_sky said:


> II do have a question though. You think the mailbox thing is a non issue, and my husband obviously does too. He looks at it like you do. Like why is it a problem for him to use our mailbox? But... I could say the same thing. Why is it a problem for his dad to go to the UPS store and get his own mailbox? ... I mean just because he doesn’t feel we are being used and thinks it’s not an issue, if it’s an issue to me, shouldn’t it be important to him too?


You make a salient argument for why your FIL and BIL should get their own mailbox. The thing is, it's YOUR argument. Yeah, it makes sense to you. But it doesn't jibe with your husband's POV. Basically, you want the in-laws to get their own mailbox. Your husband doesn't see it the way you do. It's as simple as that. Granted, if you want to die on this hill, fine. 

Your husband doesn't want to do what you want to do. If the disagreement is driving you up the wall, then go to the in-laws directly and tell them to get their own mailbox at the UPS store or the post office. It's YOUR boundary. You don't want them to cross it. That's fine. Just tell them.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

StarFires said:


> september_sky said:
> 
> 
> > I do have a question though. You think the mailbox thing is a non issue, and my husband obviously does too. He looks at it like you do. Like why is it a problem for him to use our mailbox? But... I could say the same thing. Why is it a problem for his dad to go to the UPS store and get his own mailbox? Just because it might cost him maybe $30 a month as opposed to using ours for free? That’s the only reason I can think of. And if that’s the case, it makes me feel like we are being used, and I don’t like that. His dad and brother are both working, they don’t have car payments, they don’t have a mortgage, all they have is utilities like their electric/water bill. $30-40 a month shouldn’t make or break them. And if it does, maybe they need to get second jobs if they’re doing that bad. I mean just because he doesn’t feel we are being used and thinks it’s not an issue, if it’s an issue to me, shouldn’t it be important to him too? Or is it required that we have to agree with/understand why our spouse has a problem with something in order to take their side? I’m genuinely curious. I mean I can see if I was asking something totally outrageous why he would be resistant but simply asking to not let his family use our mailbox when they have other options, I don’t think that’s an outlandish request.
> ...


They do have transportation, they just don’t have a car payment. They have an older vehicle, and it wasn’t very expensive, so I believe his dad paid cash for it. As far as his dad not being able to handle a second job, that could be possible because he did have a heart attack a few years ago, although he does appear to be pretty healthy now. He goes on hikes, kayaking on the lake, etc. 

I totally get what you are saying about how if I want him to put me first, I have to put him first. This is something that I will admit that I need to work on. And I also get what you are saying about making compromises such as agreeing to let him help his family when they need it because it’s something that’s obviously important to him, therefore it should be important to me. But as you said, I see nothing wrong with setting boundaries or making stipulations to ensure that we don’t get taken advantage of. 

We just come from really different backgrounds. My parents have worked their butts off their whole lives to get to where they are at, and they are very financially stable. They always have been for as long as I’ve known them. My parents have never asked us me or my siblings for anything, and they act like they would rather die than to ever ask one of their kids for help. All they’ve ever done is help my husband and I. My husband’s family, on the other hand, is not this way. As I said, his mom has problems with alcohol which affects the decisions that she makes, and his dad obviously has financial problems too. It just gets a little tiring and frustrating for his family to constantly take. I’m not even suggesting that they have to give us anything or help us like my parents have. I honestly don’t want or need anything from them. I just sometimes wish they could get it together and stand on their own two feet. But, I knew that his family and the way he was raised was very different from how I was raised, and I still married him. I made a commitment to him knowing how it would be with his family, so that was my choice. I married him because I loved him and I actually liked that he was so compassionate and caring toward others. It’s a quality that I wish I personally had more of. And it’s something I need to work on. 

I want you to know that you have no offended me with your post. You’re just being honest, and I appreciate it. Thank you helping me see things through a different perspective.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Wolfman1968 said:


> september_sky said:
> 
> 
> > Ive read each of your replies and I get where you’re all coming from. Honestly, I don’t think anyone that I got with would match up to my parent’s standards. My husband does a lot for our family and he has a lot of good qualities. *My mom looks at it like he’s just so lucky to have me that he should worship the ground I walk on and I guess that he should just do whatever I ask of him without any question.*
> ...


I agree. I rarely ever voluntarily offer information to her about my married life. But if she asks, I do usually clue her in. Part of it is that I don’t have a lot of close friends and I’m looking for someone to vent to. Part of it is I don’t know what to say to her without sounding offensive or making it awkward between us. I guess I could just tell her I don’t think it’s a good idea to talk to her about marriage stuff because since I’m her daughter, she will always have a biased opinion. She shouldn’t get offended by that and if she does, that’s her issue I guess. She doesn’t live here so she doesn’t realize all the things that my husband does for me. She looks at it like it’s one sided, like I do all the sacrificing and he doesn’t. And that I’m just so amazing that he should be bending over backward to keep me. But like I said, I’m not that prideful. I think there are good qualities about myself but there are good qualities about him too. She tells me that she thinks my husband doesn’t view me as equal to him. Yet, she says things to insinuate that he isn’t equal to me, just as you said. I’m finding that it would be better to talk to someone who can give an unbiased opinion if I need advice, and clearly my parents will always be biased because I’m their daughter.


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