# Is This Real?



## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Hello,

I am new here and have read several other posts and found great support here so I am hoping a few of you could lend me some advice.

My husband and I have been married for three years and we have a beautiful two year old daughter. On December 8th, my world changed....my husband told me he wanted a divorce.

Granted we had problems, I can't say they were one sided as it "takes two". My problems with him were he was very unemotional. He treated me as a roommate and I was always second best to something, whether it be his job or his mother(his adoptive mom, who adopted him when he was 13). His mom would say spiteful things and try to stir up problems between he and I. I was raised to never disrespect my elders so when she would say hurtful things I just sat there and at least expected my husband to say "ok mom let's change the subject". He never did, I was just supposed to take it. Or, for my birthday he gave me a card which he signed in front of me after pulling it out of the bag and handing me the card and asking if I wanted it signed or just handed to me. 

Anyway, his issues with me were he thought I was controlling and too jealous. I admitted I do have jealousy issues therefore we both were in marriage counseling since the end of August to address our issues. Everything seemed to be going pretty well. He had started doing little things for me and treating me like a wife instead of roommate. Then we get into a heated argument and he says he wants it over.

At first I figured he was just mad. Then he wanted to sit down and draw up some sort of agreement on how the bills will be split. He got his own bank account and started looking up apartments. 

Here is where I get confused. We had initially agreed to wait until after our daughters birthday to tell anybody in the family(January 7th). We both do our own thing and try to stay happy for our daughter. At first of course I did the whole crying and begging him to work things out.....gah why did I do that? Anyway, so at first he acted pretty deadset on wanting it over. So two days ago I spend all night crying to myself and then realize. Well heck I was pretty unhappy in the marriage too, so if he wants to leave.....I am not going to settle for someone who doesn't love me like I deserve. 

I quit asking where he is going or who he has talked to. Then all of a sudden he is asking me where I am going and who I am talking to. This morning for example I get up and he gets mad because I get ready to go out for the day. He wants to know why I always leave and why I can't stay at home for one day. He then asks where I am going and when I tell him, "I don't know yet", he gets angry and stops talking to me. As I am out shopping he calls me three times and when I finally answer the fourth time he tells me he is taking our daughter to meet up with some of his friends and he wanted to know if I wanted to go. I did go with them and he still hasn't told his friends we have split up. We took separate cars and I had to stop for gas, so I was quite a ways behind him. He calls me before I make it back wanting to know where I am. Then when we get home I just go on and stay away from him not really saying two words. 

He then says, "well I think I will get on the Internet to look up some apartments". I mean WTF! I try to act like it doesn't bother me and go about my business but that hurt soooo bad. Then he starts texting someone and asks me how to spell some word and I ask why and he says "well since you don't want to answer my questions, I'm not answering yours". I am just so lost because it is like he is playing some game.......You would think a grown man who has a child wouldn't play these kind of games!

Sorry this is so long, I just want an outsiders opinion. 

Thanks guys!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

opinion?
he is acting like a petulant confused little boy 
ignore him for now 

you have to work out what you want -
if you want to save the marriage or at the very least be able to tell your daughter when she is old enough that you gave it your very best shot -

you are correct if you do want to save it begging is not going to work.

I'd advise you to take things slow and suggest marriage counselling.


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## Just_Venting (Jan 12, 2010)

It is Reverse psychology. As soon as you act like you don't care or can live without him he wants to know why?

He is playing games. What you should do if he does not want to work things out with counseling is kick him out or you leave.

You can't "break up" with someone while living together. Either it is over or it is not.

If it is "over" then tell him not to call you, not to ask you what you are doing, you are not going to meet him anywhere. It is over.

If it is not over then there are some rules that we both need to follow in order to make the relationship work.

Relationships are a give an take.

I am a male so I know he is using you when it is convenient to him. He is not into you the way he should be. Only when you don't show interest does he want you. It is a game.

Sounds like he is 12. Since he is the one that said that he wants it over then I would ask him to leave...


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## lovinghimforever (Dec 14, 2009)

Yes, games.

He doesn't want you to move on but feels intimidated when you start acting like you don't care and tries to get back at you by making it seem like he's leaving you.

Have a serious talk with him. You know if you wanna work it out or not. Be firm and let him know what's on your mind. Have a game plan if you plan on leaving to show him how serious you are. And tell him to shape up or be a man and really man up to his option of leaving. 

Best of luck, I wish I had your strength. Stay strong.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

UGH! Sounds like my H. Have you read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. 
I highly suggest you do. Counseling would be great too but make sure the therapist is pro marriage.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Keep staying strong. The fact that you (at least to him) are appearing that you are moving on is catching his attention. But I agree with the above posts. He said he wanted out so let it him out and you continue to move your life forward.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Thank you all for the replies!

I should have added that we had been going to marriage counseling since around the end of August. We had been going every week then went to every 2-3 weeks when we couldn't afford weekly visits. He of course thought everything should be fixed after 3 months....both the counselor and I tried to tell him it takes time but he doesn't agree.

I have told him to leave several times but he says he will leave when he's ready since he helps pay the bills. He told me today when I told him once again that I would prefer him gone that he will be out at the end of the month. He then proceeded to say he is just going to do a 6 month lease in case we get back together. What is strange is that he hasn't been back on the computer to look up apartments or try to find one, except when I am there.

I had to stay after work this morning and so instead of letting him know I was going to be late as I always do, I didn't this time. Of course he starts texting and calling wanting to know where I am. Then he leaves for a while after I get home and comes home with a big bag of new clothes he bought himself. My H works outside and stays dirty....he never wears "dress clothes" but I guess decided he needed all these dress shirts....He made sure to show me all his new clothes he got like he was showing off or something. 

Then he gets of Facebook and adds all these new pictures of our daughter and surprisingly added some of me too. 

I just can't handle these games....and I do agree with y'all who said he is playing games. What makes me sad is seeing all these men on here who are trying so hard to please there women....where are these men at? I mean really, what I wouldn't give to have a man who gave a crap about me and my needs.......GAH!

Believe-Sorry your H acts like mine does...hard as heck to deal with! Our marriage counselor highly recommended that book right before we quit going...wish I would have bought it! 

lovinghimforever-Thank you so much for saying I am strong. It is weird but that made me feel so good to hear that. I feel so weak right now since every thought is consumed by thoughts of our marriage.

just_venting-You hit the nail on the head when you said relationships are give and take....in my case he does all the taking, i do all the giving. Also, when I read what you wrote, it hit me that he is using me when it's convenient for him. Hurts like heck!

You know, I am not a very strong person emotionally....I can never make my mind up on anything. But, when I sit and really think about our marriage and how lonely I was IN our marriage...I don't want it anymore either. Then, the panic sets in when I realize I will be alone and my thoughts become clouded again. 

Will I really be the single mom I said I would never be? It just doesn't seem real yet.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Well, I really feel for you in this whole mess. It does seem like he's acting very childish and playing confusing, hurtful games.

Have you considered counseling for yourself? It seems that it may help you to be stronger emotionally. Although I have to say that you sound very strong and together with the mature, right things to do. 

Does he know that you feel like a roommate to him? Do you have your jealousy tendencies in check? If you're afraid to be alone he may sense that. Handling life on your own could possibly give him a heads up... but be sure not to play similar games. Always be up front and open with him.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Its not too late to go out and buy that book. Check it out.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Well I made an appointment for Monday to start individual counseling. I have needed individual counseling for years but I guess pride got in the way. I take blame for my part in the demise of our marriage but he is adament it was all my fault...naturally. 

From what I am reading on here it seems a lot of times when situations like this occur there is usually someone else but I have done the digging and searched phone records....nothing. I am not one who lives in denial and I would really rather just know instead of pretending so it won't hurt. The only thing I could find was that he did call about an apartment the other day....so maybe he really was planning on leaving not just apartment search when I am there to throw it in my face.

I have been very proud of myself these past few days. I have "stuck to my guns" and did the NC thing(as best as possible with having a child). What is funny is that it really does work. But, the more I think about it, the more I realize I don't want to play these games. I shouldn't have to pretend like I don't care and I shouldn't have to feel like this has been all my fault. I have been a caring and devoted wife. After not asking him where he is going, he asks me where I am going repeatedly. After not speaking to him he is now going out of his way to talk to me and ask me questions and bring up small talk. Although, he is still acting childish by trying to make me jealous...well I guess what I would call trying to make me jealous. Like, this morning when I got out of the shower and walked into the living room he had his email pulled up and when I walked by he said, "well I guess I will have to delete that". I just laughed to myself and walked on, and when I turned my head he was watching what I was doing. Then as he was leaving for work he picked up his coat and told me he would need that for all the "women he would be chasing". I just turned my head and laughed again. He really is an immature little boy! 

Then today he sent me a text wanting to know if I was going to take a nap today(I am on third shift this month) and when I told him no he wanted to know why since I have taken one every other day this week(he works Friday-Sunday).......

Anyway, the more he does things like that, the more I realize maybe I really am better off without him in my life. I know I flip flop back and forth but in moments of true clarity when I am not blindsided by the pain and heart ache I see my H for what he is!

Oh, and I bought "The Five Love Languages" yesterday, can't wait to read it !


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

whattodo,
I am glad that you have decided on some ic. hope that helps you decide what you want. Good to see that you are not buying into his little games.
What is happening with the marriage counselling?
Are you guys working towards a plan?
Stay strong and concentrate on your little girl.
Really hoping that you can work things out.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

He's not going to actually leave you. He's too weak.

You have far more power in this relationship than him. Perhaps you should start looking for apartments...


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

knort-thanks for your reply. We aren't still in marriage counseling, he decided he didn't want to go anymore when he told me it was over. 

atholk-I would leave but the apartment we are living in is only in my name and I really don't care to have it destroyed lol. I would have thought the same thing about him being too weak but for him to call about apartments while he was at work kinda shows me he is serious. 

I hate these wishy washy feelings! Last night was really hard. He works weekends and I am so used to talking to him throughout the day so when he doesn't call or anything I get depressed. I felt so strong because it seemed he was pursuing me but maybe all these signs were nothing and I was reading too much into them. 
Yesterday we barely spoke and when we did he wanted to know if I would bring our daughter to his dads birthday party today, he did ask what I was doing but it was more in conversation I am sure. My daughter stayed at my grandmothers house Friday night since we both worked and when I went to pick her up my grandmother told me he called her wanting to know what time I would be picking up our daughter.
So last night I was having a really hard time and broke down and sent him a text and said I won't ask again but is there anybody else. So stupid of me I know and I am kicking myself in the rear for it ever since! Anyway, he wrote back and said "I am not seeing anybody and you can ask as many times as you want." Then we he got home I didn't speak to him very much but he did make it a point to stay up until I went to bed and then he went to bed. 

Is it normal to feel weak like this? I was doing so well and yesterday just crashed and burned. I have tried to stay busy but there is only so much "busy" to be had! LOL.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

whattodo17... you're going to have your good days and your bad days. After being with someone for so long, our lives come to be set in a groove. When we are out of that groove, that's when we feel out of our element and the confusion, pain, and hurt really set in. Sometimes, it's not all about missing the person... but missing the routine.

Keep posting and keep reading. We're all here for each other.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Ughhhhhh! Today has been pure h*%$! 

I had my counselors appointment that went well I guess. It was my first appointment so we really didn't get into a lot of detail on much but I have high hopes it will help in time. 

H asked if I would go with him and his friends to let our kids play together. I went of course......and then I find out his friends wife was bringing some girl who also had a little girl to play also. Jealousy consumed me and all I could think was that they were bringing that woman to set up with my H. It is so hard to not be sensitive right now. Especially with everyone telling me there is someone else since he has acted the way he has lately. I guess it set me off because this girl lives in the area where my H works and since he works outside and at different jobsites I get a little nervous about things like that. I have really got to learn to control my jealousy, but I just feel like he is on the verge of seeing someone else now. It just kinda threw me off because his friends mom also went and she had mentioned that the girl was married and so when we got in the car we were talking about having a good time and she came up and I mentioned that she was married and my H just said, "who told you that?"....then I got all nervous(of course I didn't let him see).....why do I get like this? I am so angry at myself!

On a side note, we were standing at the merry go round watching our daughter play and I had my hand on this little pole thing and he reached over and put his hand on mine. It was a bittersweet moment because who the heck knows what he's really thinking. Of course I can tell by me not acting like I care and going about my business makes him suspicious. I took our daughter to his dads birthday party yesterday since he had to work and when he asked me about it I didn't answer since I was out to eat with some friends and so he goes over to his moms house(while he was working) to see how things went. 

Anyway, sorry for the rant! It's been a long day!


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