# Needing space



## thelongoria5 (Oct 31, 2008)

Hello, I new here need much advice...
I have been married to my husband for 6 years; we have known each other for about 12 years. We have 2 children together (2 and 5) and he has a daughter (13).
My husband is an alcoholic, always has been and when we were dating and first married it didn't bother me too much b/c we were young and having fun. Now that we have little children and we got his daughter full custody it is no longer fun and now we have responsibilities. I have never been a drinker (my father is an alcoholic) so I know what it is like to be around alcohol for many years.
This past summer, my husband and I have been having major problems; his daughter and her mom having no respect for me and he just lets it happen with no consequences, his drinking, had gotten really bad where it wasn't just a 24 pack it was liquor too, I felt that he put the kids and I on the back burner for a while.
We moved into a beautiful rent house in the city (where I wanted) and seemed to get better. Well after a week, things went downhill. He came home one night after telling me that he was working (I knew he wasn't) he was drunk...I tried to bite my tounge and not start a fight with him, I called himout on his lie and he got angry, his mother called while we were fighting and I told her what was going on and he was still talking trash to me..I hung up the phone with my mother in law and got up to take a bath to get away from him, as I was walking away, he grabbed my hair threw me to the ground...I got up and went to my room he followed pined me in the closet and back handed me (didn't leave any marks) and It wasn't that hard but it was the point that he could do something to me like that...I told him to leave and he did.
I let him back in 3 days later and told him that the drinking was to stop and he agreed...Everything seemed so great. I felt that we just got married again and we were so happy. He went 6 weeks with no drinking. 2 weeks ago he was harassing me about drinking and I finally said you are a grown man and you know what I feel about it. Well he ended up drinking many beers that day and was drunk...I got over it and thought that was a mistake and I can forgive then the next weekend rolled around and he got drunk every day Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I just kicked him out of the house on Monday and he keeps coming back saying that he would drink again and he has changed. 
I am not sure what to do. I tell him that if he can change without me being with him then I know that he will stay sober when I want him back in the house.
I don't want to be with him right now, I love him...Part of me is wanting to be separated and part of me says just get a divorce I have tried to help and nothing works.
Oh and on top of all of that, I was a stay at home mom for 6 years and I watched his brother’s children (2 and 4) for free. I had to get a job. SO I did and live it, but I had to put my children in day care. I can't have friends and if I do and want to go do something then we get in huge fights b/c he thinks that I am going to look for someone else.
He has a great heart and he is a great man, but he lets alcohol control him and I don't know if that will ever change.
Help I am not sure what to do.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

thelongoria5 said:


> Hello, I new here need much advice...
> I have been married to my husband for 6 years; we have known each other for about 12 years. We have 2 children together (2 and 5) and he has a daughter (13).
> My husband is an alcoholic, always has been and when we were dating and first married it didn't bother me too much b/c we were young and having fun. Now that we have little children and we got his daughter full custody it is no longer fun and now we have responsibilities. I have never been a drinker (my father is an alcoholic) so I know what it is like to be around alcohol for many years.
> This past summer, my husband and I have been having major problems; his daughter and her mom having no respect for me and he just lets it happen with no consequences, his drinking, had gotten really bad where it wasn't just a 24 pack it was liquor too, I felt that he put the kids and I on the back burner for a while.
> ...


hey longoria5,

the drinking you're talking about is a significant amount! tell him you know a guy who worked and drank and ignored his family and guess what. he almost DIED january 25th, one day after my wife's 38th birthday. YEAH, i almost left a young widow and 4 precious babies. and guess what else. i am paying the price with a crappy a$$ separation and i'm doing EVERYTHING right to try to win her back. and it's HELL...i cry some days, i fall into desparation some days...i give up some days...my life sucks and there isn't enough "hobby, friend, gym time" to make up for my feelings. i now grasp at straws cuz she hasn't filed for divorce and is gracious enough to spend quite a bit of time with me, but we still are living apart since june 20th. if that's what he wants tell him to keep it up...you know, something like that...

the violence is unacceptable.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

He has to make a committment....AA.
Change isn't easy and he can't do it alone.


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## thelongoria5 (Oct 31, 2008)

voivod said:


> hey longoria5,
> 
> the drinking you're talking about is a significant amount! tell him you know a guy who worked and drank and ignored his family and guess what. he almost DIED january 25th, one day after my wife's 38th birthday. YEAH, i almost left a young widow and 4 precious babies. and guess what else. i am paying the price with a crappy a$$ separation and i'm doing EVERYTHING right to try to win her back. and it's HELL...i cry some days, i fall into desparation some days...i give up some days...my life sucks and there isn't enough "hobby, friend, gym time" to make up for my feelings. i now grasp at straws cuz she hasn't filed for divorce and is gracious enough to spend quite a bit of time with me, but we still are living apart since june 20th. if that's what he wants tell him to keep it up...you know, something like that...
> 
> the violence is unacceptable.


Thanks for the advice. I have given him another chance AGAIN. We will see how long this last. I talked with my Uncle that had a drinking problem in the past and he told me that my husband needed to hit a rock bottom in order for him to change. So I am thinking that maybe me telling my husband that I am done with the drinking; will make him realize. It has been a couple of weeks and he hasn't drank (that I know of). My question is how many times do I have to give another chance. I think that he has had about 5 in the last year. I feel like when I forgive him and let him back in the house I get taken advantage of meaning "She won't really leave, I will be good for a few weeks and then go back to drinking again and play it over and over again"
I am ready to be happy with or without him!


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## thelongoria5 (Oct 31, 2008)

TGolbus said:


> He has to make a committment....AA.
> Change isn't easy and he can't do it alone.


He won't go to AA he says he needs me to help him. I don't want to be the person that is his sholder to lean on. I know that sounds bad. But I want him to do this on his own with some other help b/c if he does this without me than I know that he can keep up the not drinking with me. Do you see what I am saying?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

thelongoria5 said:


> He won't go to AA he says he needs me to help him. I don't want to be the person that is his sholder to lean on. I know that sounds bad. But I want him to do this on his own with some other help b/c if he does this without me than I know that he can keep up the not drinking with me. Do you see what I am saying?


NOOOOO!!!! it doesn't sound bad. the last thing he needs is help from YOU. and i don't mean that disrespectfully. i'm speaking from experience. i'm sober since may 19th. and when i say "i can do this forever" it's because i have received the strength to know that i have it beat. AA, a strong motivation (my family), and lots of resources make me believe i can do this. but i had to come to that conclusion BY MYSELF.

this is the answer for me. i cannot have both my family and drinking. my choice is my family. 

i'm involved in trust-rebuilding right now because of a relapse on maY 18th. if my family survives this separation, it will be due to (i believe) my wife applying "tough love" when it was needed. she's alway been there for me, now she's letting me find myself. she is not giving me any more help. i also think that she recognizes that her actions made it easier for me to be disfunctional within our marriage, and she resents that. it's only been very recently that she can poke fun at herself for that. you don't want to carry any added resentment forward in you relationship. so your decision to make him "do this on his own" is the right decision.





thelongoria5 said:


> My question is how many times do I have to give another chance. I think that he has had about 5 in the last year. I feel like when I forgive him and let him back in the house I get taken advantage of meaning "She won't really leave, I will be good for a few weeks and then go back to drinking again and play it over and over again"
> I am ready to be happy with or without him!?


give him a set of consequences. you've given him a chance before. it didn't work out for you. so now, if he goes back, it's over. no "third chances." and stick to your guns. have a financial parachute available to you (money in a separate account for rental deposits, etc.) that'll tell him you're dead serious.

thing that gets me is that, after 6 months of not drinking, i can't think of one good reason to go back to it. ain't that something?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

You really should go to some alanon meetings Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

You've probably heard of it but its really a wonderful support group. you'll learn how to take your life back and be happy despite what he does.


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## thelongoria5 (Oct 31, 2008)

voivod said:


> NOOOOO!!!! it doesn't sound bad. the last thing he needs is help from YOU. and i don't mean that disrespectfully. i'm speaking from experience. i'm sober since may 19th. and when i say "i can do this forever" it's because i have received the strength to know that i have it beat. AA, a strong motivation (my family), and lots of resources make me believe i can do this. but i had to come to that conclusion BY MYSELF.
> 
> this is the answer for me. i cannot have both my family and drinking. my choice is my family.
> 
> ...


This is his last chance. We went to dinner last Friday again. And I wanted to show him that he can have fun with me without drinking. So had a great dinner and then we met his Aunt and her children at a bowling alley. Long story short...I turned my back from him for like 5 minutes and found him at the bar with the same guy that bought him drinks last time my husband and I went out. I turned to his Aunt and said you better go save him because I am about to walk out of his lifeforever. So his aunt goes to the bar and tells him that isnt a good idea (crown and 7up), so she picks up the glass and chugs it (she isn't a drinkier at all). My husband somes to me with the guythat bought his drink and aploigized and I told him that he needed to stay far away from me and my husband. With that being said we went home and talked about what had or could have happened...
How long will the temptation last for him? I feel like I can't go anywhere without having to babysit...
I am 27 years old and what my husband and I do every night now is go get in bed and watch tv at 8:00. All he wants to do is lay in bed to try to fall asleep. My life is so boring I feel like I am 60 years old and boring!


So it took 6 months for you not to go back... Congratulations! But that seems so long to wait for a happy marriage again.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

thelongoria5 said:


> This is his last chance.


is it REALLY???....


thelongoria5 said:


> I turned my back from him for like 5 minutes and found him at the bar with the same guy that bought him drinks last time my husband and I went out. I turned to his Aunt and said you better go save him because I am about to walk out of his lifeforever. So his aunt goes to the bar and tells him that isnt a good idea (crown and 7up), so she picks up the glass and chugs it (she isn't a drinkier at all). My husband somes to me with the guythat bought his drink and aplogized and I told him that he needed to stay far away from me and my husband. With that being said we went home and talked about what had or could have happened...


and the you packed his bag and sent him on his way, or you left???


thelongoria5 said:


> How long will the temptation last for him? I feel like I can't go anywhere without having to babysit...


he will give in to temptation for the last time when you really mean "this is his last chance." until then...hell...he just "got away with it" again.


thelongoria5 said:


> I am 27 years old and what my husband and I do every night now is go get in bed and watch tv at 8:00. All he wants to do is lay in bed to try to fall asleep. My life is so boring I feel like I am 60 years old and boring!


okay, not to be dramatic...but you're not visiting in a convalescence hospital ever day, hoping like hell he will wake up and not die. my wife had to endure that. i'm sure it sucked.

have him check with your family doc about insomnia due to alcoholism/depression. i suspect he may get prescribed trazadone. it is a mild anti depressant and helps the sleep pattern.

as for not wanting to feel boring...find something to replace the fun you guys used to have. he'll wake up soon and want to join in the fun.


thelongoria5 said:


> So it took 6 months for you not to go back... Congratulations! But that seems so long to wait for a happy marriage again.


understand 6 month i haven't "gone back." i stopped 6 months ago. when my wife "lowrered the boom" and there were NO MORE CHANCES to be had. it worked!!!but her scars have not healed. it will be awhile before we are back living under the same roof.


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