# wanting to get past it..



## 50shades (Jun 12, 2012)

I am new here...coming was actually my husbands suggestion. Just over a year ago I found out about my husbands affair. I caught him during a skype conversation with her while I was away training for a new job. I think I died that day..and so did he. The things I read in their conversation keep replaying over and over in my head. We have 3 children and I always thought we were happy...but he turned to a 22 year old employee of his. They looked at apartments and discussed family and how to sever both of their marriages to run off together. I read skype sex..heard about pictures, repeatedly read them confessing their love. I read about how "she" blows me away..and is so much better than me. I know the songs they called theirs..and now when they come on the radio I get heartsick all over again. When caught..he said he was sorry and would do anything to keep me and our family together. We tried counseling a couple of times..but it seemed to make things worse. I caught him many times in lies after being caught..and found that things were still not over. This went on for a few months. About a week prior to me catching them my husband convinced me to spend our anniversary with her and her husband. I had become suspicious of the relationship I saw going on thru texting (on our phone bill) and he claimed she was like his little sister. He swore that if I spent some time with her we would become friends and that I would know there was nothing going on. I agreed to this and went to dinner with them. It was a disaster...she got so drunk that we had to give both her and her husband a ride home. She began crying in the backseat and wouldnt get out of the car..even with her husbands help. My husband told me I should help her out and try to make her feel better! I did this too...remember..I didnt KNOW yet. Who does that??? I thought about leaving him after I found out..and for many months after. I am glad that I didnt. Her husband left her..I forced her to tell him. She never did tell him who the person was..just that it happened. He moved to another state and left her behind. She spent months trying to get my husband to leave me for her (of course I wasnt aware at the time) and I think he really debated it. He kept telling me that I would never get past it. How could I when he was still talking to her? Finally about 5 months after finding out..and him finally telling her he wasnt leaving me...she moved to try to get her husband back. As far as I know they have not spoken since. AS FAR AS I KNOW. There were hidden phones he would call her from before..email account etc. How am I ever to really know? 
Since that time we do pretty well most of the time. He seems to be a devoted husband and father again. I have realized just how much I love him. I just no longer have confidence that he really is in love with me. He took away everything I thought to be real and true. I feel ugly and old. She was over 15 years younger than me! I hate him for taking my confidence and self esteem..and for me allowing it. I want all the things that were taken from me back! I guess to cut to the chase..usually I am ok..but sometimes it all comes back and I am really angry and hurt again. He never wants to talk about it, and complains that I have made no progress and I bring it up all the time. This is simply not true. He shuts me down and gets angry when I try to talk to him about it. I dont know how to get past this..I dont want it to always be there. He finally has agreed to talk to me about it..tonight. Now I am scared and not sure what to say. I dont want to cause him more hurt..but I want him to know my pain and own it. He created it. Any advice?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

First off, stop worrying about causing him pain. This conversation tonight is about you, and yes, you have every right to explain your pain to him.

Secondly, and regardless of what happens tonight, please know that your life will go on. This is a chapter in your life, and you don't know how it will end yet. It's damned painful right now. But you did NOT die that day. And you are not ugly and old. And he cannot take your confidence and self-esteem away...only you can do that.

You have to be on your own team. No one else is going to do it for you.

Good luck tonight!


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Forgiveness, communication, relationship building, forward progress, and overall healing, are all complex topics. You mention that MC made things worse, i really encourage you to go back and try again. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find a good counselor that you can connect with and relate to.

I would highly recommend individual counseling for you, and for him as well. You may also find CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) useful in helping you heal.

Establishing strong lines of communication will be vital for you to have a chance at rebuilding. Not communicating your feelings will only lead to resentment, and resentment is poison to a soul and a relationship. 

When you begin individual counseling, you may have an easier time identifying what you need to heal and move forward. Without really knowing what your needs are, and how to communicate them to your partner in a way he can understand, I doubt you will have much success in rebuilding your relationship.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

You found out a year ago and you are just now agreeing to talk about it without fighting? Wow.

My heart goes out to you. I would be devastated. Just be prepared, if he has been hesitant up til now, tonight may be no better. I am not sure you have had a chance to heal from this at all. I just can't stand to see the betrayed spouse internalize their wayward's failings as self-hatred.

You need to take care of yourself and heal up. What he did was unforgivable, in my opinion. The fact that you have given him a second chance is a gift that he has been given. But do not take any responsibility for his affair tonight.

You own 50% of the marital problems. But the cheating, he owns 100%. He could have divorced you but chose to go behind your back. That's on him. Never put yourself down for believing in him or your marriage. Never regret taking your vows seriously. That is what loyal people do. Good luck tonight.


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## fearsnotk (Jun 11, 2012)

A read a really good book the first time he cheated on me.... After the Affair. It is good for BOTH of you to read. It helped me, but 6 years later I'm going through it again and this time worse! Be careful! Be sure of what you want! Be sure of what you see and feel... listen to your inner soul!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> This went on for a few months. About a week prior to me catching them my husband convinced me to spend our anniversary with her and her husband.


That was such a cruel, ugly thing for them to do to the two faithful spouses. Horrible, horrible.

Has he apologised to you and her husband? I think he should.


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## rollerskatevixen (Jun 9, 2012)

I am in the same boat. I separated from my H in December after catching him for the 5th time speaking to a woman from his past. I too found love cards from his "stalkers" (i call them that because he attracts women who are desperate) and have been lied to repeatedly about stuff. 
Personally, I do not feel like I am going to be able to move forward with my H until HE figures out why he has a need for external marital validation. I know he has expressed a great need for attention and that is what it basically comes down to in connection with low self esteem/confidence. As a wife, we think, well, you have me so why the hell arent you happy and confident in life? well, it's not as much that as the fact he lacks the ability to be his own cheerleader. He needs to find a way to fulfill the need from within or he will continue to look for it on the outside at the expense of the marriage. 
Tell him by focusing his attention outside of the home, he is going to end up neglecting whats inside the home and wasting attention where it is not needed. When he looks for other women like this, it leaves you feeling unloved, hurts YOUR self esteem and makes it harder for you to feel sexy which will in turn fuel the fire for him to stray!!!!!! BAD cycle! 
Heres the rule: 
If you wouldn't do it with your spouse sitting right next to you, it's probably not good for your marriage. If you're contacting someone who isn't your spouse, you're watering the wrong lawn because the grass can always be greener in your OWN YARD!!!! 
PLEASE don't enable him to feel better about what he has done by offering apologies of your own. There is NO excuse for his behavior and he owes you more respect. If you're like me, you are a pleaser and hate seeing someone sad or upset, but that's the only way you will feel any sense of emotional acknowledgement from him and sincerity. Keep your voice low and don't yell - men tune out then. Instead, show him your emotions with words and tears!!!! thats my advice. Dont be scared, set the rules for what will happen if he does it again and be FIRM!!!!


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## rollerskatevixen (Jun 9, 2012)

My favorite quote: "Real men stay faithful... They dont have time to look for another 
Woman because theyre too busy looking for new ways to love their own."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 50shades (Jun 12, 2012)

Thank you for all of the advice. I was really concerned that coming into a site like this would make things harder for me to stay with him. You all seem to have really good insight. Our talk went well, but there are many more talks to be had. I think he finally understands the pain that he caused...and that is a big part of what I need from him right now.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Our emotional state is controlled by the thoughts that take root in our mind, the next time you catch yourself thinking about the betrayal STOP and think something else, it helps get your emotions under control over time and then the thoughts start receding.

lamaga offers good advice, let your husband know how much you're hurt and disappointed in him, this will help you as your husband seems to be remorseful and can sympathize with your pain


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Your WH shows absolutely no true remorse and wants you to sweep this under the rug. This is why you're not healing at all.










He gets angry when you bring it up. If he was truly remorseful he would be compassionate toward your feelings and consoling you, being transparent (he still gets angry if you check his phone). 

I'm sorry, but you're in False R if he's not totally in the left column here and the affair is possibly underground.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> That was such a cruel, ugly thing for them to do to the two faithful spouses. Horrible, horrible.
> 
> Has he apologised to you and her husband? I think he should.



This happened to me to. Even after DD1, they concocted this plan whereby I was to pretend all was well with my friend, the OW, so that OWH, my H's BFF wouldn't know. It's sickening, the things our cheating spouses will KNOWINGLY subject us to. I would NEVER put my H in a position to look like such a DAMN FOOL.

I'm sorry, OP. I'm a year out too and experiencing similar behavior from my H as you are getting. Something 'broke' in me about a week or so ago after that one more lie to my face - but I'm feeling so much better! It's like I've given up on him and I don't love him the same anymore. But it doesn't hurt...it's more matter-of-fact. I can't even say the words 'i love you'. I haven't worn my wedding ring. But yet we are getting along great, he is being loving, we had a fun family weekend with lots of fun activities including movies and boating. I still enjoy his company and care for him. But I think that he's lost me...I think D is in our future. But I'm not rushing things.


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## 50shades (Jun 12, 2012)

Things seem to be doing better. When I check up on him..i dont find anything! This makes me so happy, and really makes me want to start trusting again. But something still holds me back..maybe just time? We had a great talk last night that did not include arguing. I found a couple of text messages at 2 in the morning on our phone bill..when I know he was asleep next to me. I didnt know the phone number..so I was concerned. I straight up asked him for his phone (and told him why) when he got home. With no concern at all he handed me his phone. The texts were nothing. I get a little closer to being ok each and every time that I find nothing. Thank you for all of the support..and listening to my rambling.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

The more you find 'nothing' the less you will feel the need to check over time...eventually, you will probably tire of checking up on him at all as long as you keep finding nothing.

My advice for him would be to plan a really awesome anniversary next time to make up for that horrendous one he put you through!

Glad to hear you are able to talk about it...I get that he just wants to move on but the sooner he gives you the closure you need the sooner you will no longer need to talk about it.


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