# need help identify my problem



## Geek87 (Apr 5, 2015)

I'm very sorry if this is too long, but please spare time, and give comments. 

Hi i'm 28 and my wife is 33.
I'm asian, and english is not my mother language.
We have been married for 7.5 years, from august 2008.
My first child, a daughter, born in nov 2008.
The pre marital sex is mostly her initiation, although i know the phrase, it takes 2 to tango.
We've just met less than a year before the marriage.

She is working as a salesgirl before, and shortly after the marriage. Then she quits her job around a year afterwards. 
I worked part time as a music teacher, mostly at afternoons. So we share the babysitting accordingly.
Money is very tight.

I have some complaints like:
-She didn't have any job after she quit.
-She can be late for an hour or more.
-She can't keep a budget (buying unnecessary things or groceries without discussion)
-I have asked her to discuss everything before buying, but most of the time she just said yes, and ended not doing it.
-I can push her to do that, but if i loosened up the grip, she will do it again.
-I have asked her to make a cashflow book, she didn't do it happily, and 'any' reason can come up not to fill the cashflow book.

Lately i've been working on a full shift, quite far from our home.
I can only come home once a week, on the weekend. Because the gasoline price is ridiculous for daily usage.

-She cooks and sells for profit, but only less than 10 portion per day.
-She did do the laundry for 3 of us (i only have 4 tops and 2 bottoms per week)
-She cooks mostly instant foods for us.
-She only cleans up our room, 8m x 4m.
-She always ask for a ride when it's time for grocery shopping (60% would be snacks, 38% instant foods, 2% fresh meats / vegetables). 
I have to force her to go to market at least twice a week to get fresh foods, but i don't want to force.

Many complaints is similar to those.
I think she either don't like being told what to do, or just a slacker.

My question is, what am i dealing with here?
A slacker, a rebel, an old child?
Any comments would be very appreciated. 

Just for information, according to online mbti tests, i'm an intj, and she is an estj. I'm only saying this, wondering if these have any relation to my problem.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

It sounds like it is personality differences. I am sure it is very frustrating to you. But I am sure she has her own frustrations about you as well.

How is the communication with her. Do you have open talks? Do you share your concerns without whining? Do you listen to her too?


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## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

Geek87 said:


> I'm very sorry if this is too long, but please spare time, and give comments.
> 
> Hi i'm 28 and my wife is 33.
> I'm asian, and english is not my mother language.
> ...


Just for clarifications sake, I have some questions:

1) what exactly are you saying about pre-martial sex? Your upset that the two of you engaged in it..?

2) Regarding her quoting her job, given there should have been a discussion about it, but most women want to stay home with their first baby for at least the first couple of years (and most American husbands support this); if she was a Salesgirl, was she making enough money to pay for child care, or is it more financially logical for her to have quit bc she didn't make enough to pay child care and work?

3) Am I correct that, from what you wrote, that until just recently you only worked part-time as a music instructor? If that is the case, then I can certainly see why money would be tight. Did you not know that she was pregnant? Why didn't you have a full-time job already? Why didn't you find one after she became pregnant?

4) Just to play Devil's advocate: Regarding budgeting and staying on budget, both can be virtually impossible if you are starting with virtually no money to begin with (I mean, come on, did you REALLY think you,could raise a child on your pay as a part-time music teacher?).

5) You say that she only cleans the room the two of you share. Are you saying that you are living with others? Family?

6) Why shouldn't she ask for a ride to and from the grocery store..? I know (at least where we live) that walkimg to the grocery and then walking back carrying purchases would be an absolutely MISERABLE experience. I wouldn't do it unless I was literally starving, and I would still try to find a ride even so....

Finally, and this might change depending on how you answer the above questions, you said towards the end of your original post, "My question is, what am I dealing with here?"

Well, from the scant information you have provided, all I can come up with as a *possible* answer, is that you are dealing with trying to raise a child and support a family on an insufficient salary and your wife is spending on things that she believes that she, your child, and yourself need wether you currently have the money to purchase it or not.

I am not saying it is all one person's fault (her's or your's), I am just saying that you both don't seem to have been in a position financially to support a growing family when she had the baby and that you are both doing the best you can on limited finances to support the child.

Evie

P.S. Although fresh fruits and vegetables ARE preferable to pre-prepared packaged foods, they tend to be much more expensive. Maybe she is just doing her best to fill everyone's stomachs on the money she has to spend..? 

ALSO, I think it is quite commendable that she is cooking 10 meals a day and selling them for extra income! That is quite innovative in my opinion and I think she should be lauded for her effort!


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## Geek87 (Apr 5, 2015)

Duguesclin said:


> It sounds like it is personality differences. I am sure it is very frustrating to you. But I am sure she has her own frustrations about you as well.
> 
> How is the communication with her. Do you have open talks? Do you share your concerns without whining? Do you listen to her too?


We have talks, but it's not an ideal talks. 
I would sound like i'm defending my position here, but, she would get on her self defense on sensitive talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Sounds like you "married in haste, and repent in leisure." Join the millions of other couples who have done the same.

You do not explain how her purchases affect you. Does this mean you are running into debt, or does it mean you cannot save as much as you would like to save? 

You are upset b/c you asked her to do things a certain way, and she didn't. Why would you expect her to do things your way? 

It is very difficult to know if your expectations are unrealistic, or if perhaps you "command" where you need to compromise. Right now it doesn't like you are "dealing with" a slacker or child or a rebel, but rather with a communication problem. 

Are you actually talking, or are you telling her what to do? Is she always defensive, or do you attack and she becomes defensive? Either way, it sounds like you two need some help learning how to communicate and develop shared systems and shared goals. Good luck.


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## Geek87 (Apr 5, 2015)

Eyvonne said:


> Just for clarifications sake, I have some questions:
> 
> 1) what exactly are you saying about pre-martial sex? Your upset that the two of you engaged in it..?
> 
> ...


1.It's a background story. Honestly it makes me feel trapped at the end. 

2. I'm undergraduated, i'm 21 when i have to marry her and leave college. 
We live in south east asia, where marry is the 'right' thing to do if the girlfriend got pregnant.
She said she would care for the child by herself (which makes my heart melt at the moment, but clearly didn't have that much commitment judging from her condition now.
Our daughter is wonderfull, she is not throwing tantrums, and quite responsible on every year of her life.
But i have to take the credit here, because i'm the one set our parenting philosophy, and remind my wife if she crosses it.

3.Yes you are correct.
my part time earnings is higher than regular / common full time job. I actually open to full time teaching, but the student is so few, it would only counts as part time.

4.Yes the budget is always tight, but it is somewhat enough, my parent's helped big time. (5. Yes we're living on my parent's home, and wonderfully they have never meddle in our small family)
I would question it back to her, why won't she look for a job, rather than stay at home mom, when the budget is clearly tight, and we're staying on parent's house (they can help with the baby. 
The salary would be equal to child care with some extras.
But I hoped she would helped with the whole house chores if she chooses to be stay at home.

6.There is several dept store around, the closest would be less than 15 minutes by public transport (including the waiting time), the cab price is just twice the gasoline price. The market is closer, 10 minutes walking, and we do have a bike.
And she did buy 60% snacks, 60% counting from the price.
The vegetables is almost equal to the fast food here (instant noodles and the others), meat is equal with the fast food meats (frozen packed)

7.The 10 portion cooking is my idea, it's innovative, thank you. 
She quit the cooking several times and have excuses.

She would say that our daughter should get extra lesson, because everyone in her school is getting it, and it's mandatory, then i set the homeworks according to her learning curve and it turns out to be not mandatory.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Geek87 (Apr 5, 2015)

sisters359 said:


> Sounds like you "married in haste, and repent in leisure." Join the millions of other couples who have done the same.
> 
> You do not explain how her purchases affect you. Does this mean you are running into debt, or does it mean you cannot save as much as you would like to save?
> 
> ...


the purchase just makes us not saving as i expected.
her 'way' is doing almost nothing, so 'my way' would be better than nothing.
It's not about whose way, but the basic thing is there should be a food ready, house clean and tidy, laundry done, if there's a stay at home mom.

I only say what's need to be done.
Is it about the fresh food?
Fresh food is clearly the smarter choice if someone cares for the family right?

I do have open mind to whether my expectations is ridiculous.
What can be too high in your opinion?

Thanks for your input on communication problem, we do communicate (talking, in my honest opinion), but she ended doing less and less, and goes back to the old ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

Loving your wife is clearly the smarter way, fresh food comes after.

Have you ask her how she feels. Is she bored or depressed? Does she need a change? Being alone all week with a little girl can be difficult.

Telling her what to do is not going to go very far.


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## Geek87 (Apr 5, 2015)

Eyvonne said:


> Just for clarifications sake, I have some questions:
> 
> 1) what exactly are you saying about pre-martial sex? Your upset that the two of you engaged in it..?
> 
> ...


1.We live in south east asia, and it's the right thing to do if the girl get pregnant. I feel trapped later.

2.the paycheck would be equal to the childcare, with a bit extras.
I know that "parent's time" is priceless, so i would opt her to be stay at home. But i expected no slacking in house chores.
We live in my parent's house(5) (they didn't meddle), so i think we have to help a bit here and ther, but she only care for the small room.
We have talked about it, and she agreed, but ended not doing it.

3.i'm undergraduated, 21 and must leave college when we marry.
My paycheck is slightly higher than all common full time job.
I'm actually open to teach full time, but the student is a few, so it only count as part time.

4.the budget is tight yes, but it's somewhat enough, my parents helped here and there.

6.the closest dept store is 15 minutes by public transport, the cab price is only twice the gasoline.
The traditional market is 10 minutes walking, and we do have a bike.
She did buy 60% snacks on grocery shopping, 60% judging from the price.
Fresh meat and veggies is almost equal to the fast foods (frozen packed fried meats or instant noodles)

The 10 portion cooking is my idea, she would quit with some excuses, without discussing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Geek87 (Apr 5, 2015)

Duguesclin said:


> Loving your wife is clearly the smarter way, fresh food comes after.
> 
> Have you ask her how she feels. Is she bored or depressed? Does she need a change? Being alone all week with a little girl can be difficult.
> 
> Telling her what to do is not going to go very far.


I got fed up with her doing (or not doing)
I don't think i have this energy anymore.
Am i the one who is doing wrong here?

I prefer not to talk or complaint if thing is just a slight worse than my expectation.
I talk about it when it a bit too late for my feelings.
Just like how it happens with me and this forum.
I may need some time to recharge to deal with her again.
Is that the only thing to do? Because as far as i remember, i have done things like that in the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Honestly, for me it's so difficult to comment since we're completely different cultures and I don't want to offend you. However, if I was commenting based on my own culture, it sounds to me like you view her more like an under-performing employee than a wife and mother of your children . Perhaps she feels completely invalidated and disrespected.


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## Geek87 (Apr 5, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Honestly, for me it's so difficult to comment since we're completely different cultures and I don't want to offend you. However, if I was commenting based on my own culture, it sounds to me like you view her more like an under-performing employee than a wife and mother of your children . Perhaps she feels completely invalidated and disrespected.


If i can put it myself, i would rather choose underperforming wife.
But i do get your points there.

How should i view her, or expect her to be? 
What would a 'wife' do in my condition?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LastsGal (Jul 18, 2009)

It sounds to me like you have a wife who is depressed. Perhaps she feels trapped by this surprise child and culture-forced marriage, just as you do. 

My advice would be for you both to acknowledge that you feel this way, then use this commonality to form a better marital bond and work together to make a plan for your future together. Sometimes it will help just to know you feel the same way, because she may feel guilty for feeling this way, which would just cause more depression.

My husband and I were each married before and we each have two children from our first marriages. Neither of us really wanted to have children, but our spouses did and we now have four together! We often joke (when the kids can't hear, of course!) that we can't wait to "start *our* lives together," or "why the hell did we have so many kids?!" It gives us a stronger bond and something to laugh about when things get tough - like our four teenagers and money being really (really!) tight.


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## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

Geek87 said:


> I got fed up with her doing (or not doing)
> I don't think i have this energy anymore.
> Am i the one who is doing wrong here?
> 
> ...


I think there is a good chance that you and your wife are not communicating effectively and/or in a timely manner.

Perhaps sometimes she doesn't understand what you are asking of her, and at other times you might not understand why she is doing things and do not ask her until you are already angry.

Remember, when one person is yelling, then no one is listening. Perhaps it would be best to wait until you are both in a good, happy mood and then talk about the problems. If you can both remain respectful, then perhaps you can come to a better understanding.

Also, I would like to add, that perhaps she senses that you hold resentment to her for the promiscuousness you shared that lead to your child. You must leave these feelings in the past if you wish for your marriage to be good for you and especially for your child. It may be a good idea to make a point of trying each week to preform some small task that you know will make your wife happy. When she is happy, she will be more likely to try and make you happy as well. With time, when you and she are both feeling better in the marriage, she might feel more comfortable in your family home and take on a larger share of the house work. Which I am sure would lead to your elderly parents feeling that they are given more respect. 

Happy people tend to treat one another with more respect and desire to please.

Best of Wishes,
Evie


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## NineYears (May 19, 2013)

Have you asked her to find a job? Also, have to talked to her about how you feel? How did she react? Your daughter is about the same age as mine. She probably goes to school, right? What does your wife do while your daughter is at school?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your wife is so much older than you are in South Asian standards. She is five years older than you are and should be more educated. It is unusual for South Asian men to marry women who are older than they are. Yes, she needs to work. You need to complete your college degree. Without a degree, you have a slim chance of getting a job that can provide for your family.

Yes, your wife is lazy. Your family is helping with daycare for your child. She should be working so that you can complete your college degree and be employed full-time. You need to have a talk with her. You cannot live on your part-time salary without your parents help. If something happens to your parents, you'll have a very big problem.


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## Geek87 (Apr 5, 2015)

NineYears said:


> Have you asked her to find a job? Also, have to talked to her about how you feel? How did she react? Your daughter is about the same age as mine. She probably goes to school, right? What does your wife do while your daughter is at school?


Hang out with her friends, watching dvd, social media.
She have lot's of facetime with her cellphone.
She is often distracted on our family time outside home.
It's password protected, and always change.
I don't think she is cheating,
But other than cheating, she might talk about me behind my back. I don't know any other reason she is being hideous and occupied by her mobile.
She is using path, i don't.
She is not showing her line update to me (hidden).
I don't know if i still 'want' her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Geek87 (Apr 5, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> Your wife is so much older than you are in South Asian standards. She is five years older than you are and should be more educated. It is unusual for South Asian men to marry women who are older than they are. Yes, she needs to work. You need to complete your college degree. Without a degree, you have a slim chance of getting a job that can provide for your family.
> 
> Yes, your wife is lazy. Your family is helping with daycare for your child. She should be working so that you can complete your college degree and be employed full-time. You need to have a talk with her. You cannot live on your part-time salary without your parents help. If something happens to your parents, you'll have a very big problem.


Now, this is what i really feels..
Thanks a lot, just by posting this.
I have quite a good job at the moment, and will think about my degree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Geek87 (Apr 5, 2015)

foolscotton3 said:


> Are you sure your intj, and not jerk?
> 
> Take her phone away.
> Quit crying to your wife, words don't change people, consequences change people.
> If she doesn't contribute to the family, stop contributing to her bad behaviours, that means, take the phone away, when she starts being a supportive wife and mother, then she can have her leisure.


I have said this to her a month ago,
Now i'm trying to be as objective as possible to measure her progress.
Now you have said this too,
That means my brain is functioning well, and i'm not evil.
Thanks, the slap feels really good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Geek87 (Apr 5, 2015)

foolscotton3 said:


> No your not evil, your afraid.
> 
> Myers Briggs was developed to introduce women into an industrialized economy crippled by war. Not to profile your marital compatibility.
> 
> Use your "mastermind" to find a suitable job for your wife's skill set.



She has too much incompetency, a skill set is what she is lacking.
Quite so-so with cooking, so i set her to the 10 portion thing.
But she is a real slacker and can't / won't climb the next step.
This 'can not' and 'will not' is what i'm trying to read objectively.
I have set a basic step for her, like making a cashflow book, a list of common house chores that she is not doing.
I don't want to give too many hint, because i want to know who she really is, and whether she care about our family or not.
The second step should be all hers.
I have reached a bad conclusion, but still trying to find if there is any 'way' for this to work.
I get pretty tired in the process.

And you know what is inside this head when we are tired.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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