# He keeps changing the rules...



## JGIRL (May 10, 2010)

My husband & I have been married almost a year now, and together for almost 3 years. Unfortunately, our relationship began as an affair. I had just separated from a horrible marriage of verbal and emotional abuse. He was planning to leave his wife in the following six months after several years of unhappiness. We both know that we should have waited until we were both free and available but the ugly truth is that we didn't. When we decided to get married we had many long discussions about how to handle the "past" because no matter what you think the insecurities and worry about trust will come into play when you get together this way. We had very frank discussions about what each of us would feel comfortable with. We each had friends that had been unfaithful in their marriages and we often traveled with them before our relationship. One of the things we agreed upon was that we would not travel with those friends alone any more and would not put ourselves in "bad" situations or circumstances, such as hanging out in bars or clubs without each other. 
Now, my husband tells me that we've been together long enough that we should trust each other and he wants to go on beach trip week-end with 5 other guys (3 of which, I have seen behave in manners that while they haven't really been unfaithful would make their wives cringe). I do not believe that my husband would cheat, we have a good marriage and an awesome sex life! I am realistic here though and know that if the other guys are "misbehaving" then it can often spill over to the other guys. I feel like the rules have been changed on me and the guidelines that we set early on because of the manner that we came together are just being thrown out the door. I have not so much as had lunch with my past friend that had been unfaithful and she was one of my best friends. I do not feel comfortable with this trip or the way things are changing, what do I do?


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

If you marriage is going that good, you should be able to talk to him and discuss your concerns.

On the 3 guys, if they are doing something that would make their wives cringe, I would not consider them being exactly faithful.


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## chuckles (May 2, 2010)

alcoholics can be sober for 20 years - put 'em in a bar and offer to buy and you will awaken a monster. if it's a habit and one that everyone else is participating in and even encouraging... he will forget why those rules were in place and break your heart. Ditto to what 'losinglove' said. If marriage is really that good, talk to him or he'll never know.


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## Misswhonew32 (Apr 27, 2010)

All marriage's have there times of test this is yours if every thing is good between you both then trust him and hope for the best, let him know how you feel but your willing to understand he wants to hang out with the guys, I wish you two well, you know the old saying what comes around goes around and cheating is very ugly.good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You are right. He is changing the rules. The issue of trust and talking to him and all that other crap is just that.....crap. You and he had an understanding. You made promises to each other. He is breaking his promise once again. What I would do is walk out the door, if only temporarily, to let him know he does not get to walk all over me when he feels like it. He feels like throwing his promise out the door, then his promise would be leading my way to someplace else to stay. I wouldn't even waste time discussing this with him.

It's bad enough people don't take their marriage vows seriously, but he (and you) freely added to that with additional promises. He is showing you that all he did was yet again SAY something because it fit the moment. What he said didn't matter. Keeping his promises do not matter. The trust and security of your marriage (none of his marriages apparently) do not matter. The only thing that matters is what he wants to do, whenever he wants to do it. He is easing his way back into his old habits and he's making sure he does it with your blessing by telling you that lame crap about you "should trust each other." That is only so you WILL trust him and stop giving him flack about going. Soon enough, he'll be telling the next one all about how he is "planning to leave his wife in the following six months after several years of unhappiness." Leopards do not change their stripes. I hope you see this for yourself.

A promise is a promise, but do what you want about this situation. Sit there and take it or leave. Afterall, you married a cheater. While you thought you were securing your future and your marriage with all the "very frank discussions" and placed all of your trust in him, you married a cheater. Neither of you had a problem with that. You know you should have waited, but the fact is he didn't wait. He had no problem cheating on his wife. Did you catch that??? Okay, I'll say it again......He had no problem cheating on his wife.

In case you misconstrued, I am not saying you deserve this, but you did ask for it. I am saying very simply he is a cheater. Whatever the lies he told you about being unhappy in his marriage, all you know is what he told you. No one ever tells the truth about that, and the cheating man always blames his wife or cries he isn't happy. I would walk right out the door because now you see beyond a shadow of a doubt that his promises mean nothing.....his wedding vows were promises to her.....his wedding vows were promises to you.....his agreements as result of the "very frank discussions" were promises to you as well. None of them mean a bit more than the air he breathed the words into. He is a cheater and that is all there is to it.


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## JGIRL (May 10, 2010)

Well, we talked last night and his reply is "You just don't trust me". He also says that yes he agreed to avoid traveling with this group of guys and I would avoid traveling with certain friends from the past. But that it wasn't practical to think neither one of us would want to get away occasionally. That we've gotten past the trust issues with each other and that he isn't going to misbehave no matter what his friends might do. I haven't budged on my position but I think he will probably go on this trip anyway. I usually cave to keep the peace, but this time I can't. I still believe that you shouldn't hang out with friends who have questionable behavior. I know he believes that too, he just wants to go with his friends and have a good time. But we both agreed these were sacrifices that we were willing to make because we loved each other and did not want to live the way we did in the past. We wanted to have a successful, loving marriage and because of the past we agreed that in order to build trust and make each other comfortable that we would have to be very careful about the situations that we put ourselves into.

For those of you that obviously feel that I asked for this, I am not going to disput that. However, people do make mistakes and truly want a different life. It has taken me quite a while to forgive myself and move on. We both made mistakes but wanted this to be a fresh start where we both were totally honest and faithful. I'm afraid it's a short step to a slippery slide and I'm scared that he will slide if he doesn't stay true to his agreement. After all, 68% cheaters never dreamed they would be unfaithful and regretted it afterward. But the damage was done. It is too easy to fall into old habits.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

I completely agree with susan on this one. The ONLY way for your marriage to work is to keep those extra promises. He is trying to weasle out of them. I would walk out the door so you do not condone this activity. Having your talk only made it more clear that he is trying to weasle out and play the "trust" card that you cant play in your marriage because it was started on an untrustworthy beginning. Regular rules of trusting your spouse do not apply to your marriage.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

I dont think you asked for it. Dont be so hard on yourself. You and he began the way you began and in order to make something work between you, you both came up with the rules that you need to have. He doesnt want them anymore, so you shouldnt want him anymore... walk away... he will eventually cheat if he is already trying to talk his way out of your agreement. Sorry it had to end up this way, you 2 seemed to really try to put rules in place, but they only work if you both continue to work them.


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## JGIRL (May 10, 2010)

It sounds so simple to just leave him. But it's not that easy. We have a 6 month old, that was planned and adored. We also have 3 other children at home with us. All have had the upheaval of divorce once. There is so much at stake here. I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow. Hoping she can give me a fresh perspective. We have truly worked hard to get a good basis to build on because of our start. We both wish we had waited but you can't change the past. We couldn't change how we started but we both wanted to change the way we progressed. I feel so disappointed that he just does not understand what this means. We both used to travel alot with our friends, before we became a couple. I know how he feels about wanting to get away and have some fun with his friends. I sometimes long for that also, but have committed to him and to myself that I can't hang out dancing and such with my friends without him, especially those that are flirtacious with other men. I thought we were on the same page, I've just been blindsided with this.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

If he insists on going, tell him you are going to go with him per your agreement. 

Honestly, and this goes for both of you, if you have friends that are doing these sorts of things, and your activities with them dishonor your spouse, then you need a new group of friends. Anything you do that can destroy the love between you is dishonoring them.

I know someone is going to say something like "what drop all my friends that I have known for years?" Yep that is exactly what I am saying. I had to do that with my best friend that I knew for over 25 years and we were in a war together. It's not easy, but can be done.


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## JGIRL (May 10, 2010)

I agree. And I have dropped those "partying" friends. I left that time of my life behind and honestly, at times, I'm lonely. It's so hard to develop new friendships with work and children, etc. I left behind 75% of my circle of close friends. He hasn't, but he has only had lunch or dinner with them with me along. We have traveled a few times with some of them which has been fine and they have never been out of line. I have felt very comfortable with arrangement. It was just easier for me to cut ties rather than constantly have to explain why I was not willing to take off on another week-end trip. It wasn't easy but it was the right thing to do for our relationship and our marriage. I'm afraid he is so bent on going now to prove a point that I don't know what to do. He will not be receptive to me going along as he is replacing someone that has cancelled and would be rooming with another guy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Great time to drop the kids off at grandma's and pay for an extra ticket. Get your own hotel room. Have a great time, with or without him. At the same hotel.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

This isn't just an issue of as he said "you not trusting him". It is an issue of him not respecting your feelings about the situation.


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## JGIRL (May 10, 2010)

I don't think the issue is me not trusting him at all. THE issue is that he is not respecting my feelings or our agreement. I don't believe he is going to go off and have a one night stand, I really don't. But I do know that things can get out of hand when you have a group of friends, drinking and having a good time and one or two of them are single or married and acting single. We agreed that it was best for neither of us to be put in that position. The agreement was his idea!! Now, he just wants what he wants. If he insists on going, I believe that I may just drop the kids off with grandma and go on a stress relieving week-end myself either alone or with a friend. Not anyone that I agreed to avoid but one of the friends that I have that is married. Maybe he needs the shoe to be on the other foot? I believe he thinks I'm stuck because I have the kids this week-end, so maybe I should unstick myself!


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

I agree with you. In your post above you wrote.



> we talked last night and his reply is "You just don't trust me".


He is trying to make you feel guilty for your feelings. I like Turnera's idea. Grab one of your friends (don't know if you are friends with any of the other guys wives, heck, invite them all  ) and "go with" him.


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## JGIRL (May 10, 2010)

As an update.... we have not discussed the impending week-end trip again since Monday evening. However, I spent an hour yesterday, ranting to my therapist! She helped me tremendously and asked me to consider what I would do if he insists on going on this trip. She asked if this was a deal-breaker. I believe that it may be. She suggested that I try not to make it a deal breaker but to try to use this "realignment of our agreement" as a springboard to get my husband to attend counseling. I do not believe that will work. I have tried to act normal as possible and most of the time he does too. However, there is an underlying hostility. Not sure if it is me or that he is extremely tired (he gets irritable when he is tired!) Right now, I am just waiting to see what the next 24 hours brings. I'm sick to my stomach though with worry and trying to stay busy. I am so angry and hurt! I feel as though I've been misled with him changing the rules at this point!


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

My God, JGirl, you sound like me worrying about my husband when I found out he was having an affair with another married woman.....
The trust in a relationship is so important when you already know that he will make decisions that will hurt others then where do you go with that....
It's the same for me, talk means nothing now only actions, that is what my therapist said to me.....anyone can say the right things, he takes someone who respects your feelings to show you the right things.....
If you had an agreement and he won't honor it what does that tell you....he doesn't care how you feel or what it does to your trust issues.
Why is it so important to go, more important than you. Is that not how all the decisions to be unfaithful in the first place happened.....
Maybe it should be a deal breaker and see how serious he really is, if he can bail so easily maybe it will never work between the two of you....
Relationships are hard enough, but when you start knowing there have been infedelity issues and respect issues, that is why only 5% of marriage that start from affairs actually work....
I don't think you deserve this but the stats are there for a reason. 
If he is committed to you he won't go if you ask him not to.
Tell him it's just that important to you to feel secure......


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## JGIRL (May 10, 2010)

I do plan to tell him just that, if and when the subject is brought back up or if he tells me that he is leaving tomorrow morning. Until then, I am not addressing it with him. Then I plan to very directly tell him that I have told him that I do not feel comfortable with this trip, I've told him that I do not want him to go and that I feel that he has changed the agreement without any discussion or agreement from me. And that if this trip is worth the damage he is going to do then I suppose he will go. And at that point I will have to decide what that is going to mean for me and our marriage. 

I love him and our life together so much 95% of the time. What I have discovered since getting married is that he is extremely selfish in wanting to have his way all the time. And that if something is difficult he would rather not put too much effort into it. He is extremely successful professionally and has worked hard his entire career. Unfortunately that tenacity apparently does not spill over into his personal life. It is sad to say that I almost wish I had stayed his girlfriend, that lived in a separate residence!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

JGIRL said:


> And that if this trip is worth the damage he is going to do then I suppose he will go. And at that point I will have to decide what that is going to mean for me and our marriage.


You're kidding, right?

That's like saying, 'oh please don't run over me with that car, I really wish you'd reconsider it, it *may* make me not like you any more, really, I mean it...AKKKKK'

Either stand up for yourself or just accept the fact that you married a cheater, by cheating yourself, and you get what you paid for.


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## JGIRL (May 10, 2010)

I don't suppose that there is any room for mistakes or forgiveness in life! Apparently those of us that crossed a line once and regret it must be d***ed forever! 

Having said that... my gut reaction is to scream and tell him that if he goes, I will not be in our home when he returns! However, I am trying to take the sound advice from a therapist that has truly helped me during the past year and not react rashly. Yes, it may be over but throwing that at him and throwing our children into chaos is not a very thoughtful option either.

I do not intend to be a doormat, we entered this marriage knowing that the relationship was going to be difficult at times due to the circumstances. At the time, we were BOTH committed to not repeating the same behavior, being open and honest and having good communication throughout.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That wasn't a criticism of you for cheating (although there's that...).

It was an observation that you married someone who CHEATS.

It amazes me that people who marry cheaters end up surprised when that person starts showing their true colors.

You've only been married a year, right? If he already doeesn't care if you're happy or not - due to his selfishness or self-centeredness, or whatever it is - what kind of marriage do you think you'll have in 5 years? Twenty years?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm sorry - feel like I'm missing something.

You said his friends have done things that would make their wives "cringe", but they haven’t been unfaithful. What kind of behavior and how long ago? If they haven’t partied together for 3 years, and these are guys who might be a little wild but are still holding their marriages together, is it possible that they’ve grown up a little bit?

You said that you don't think that your husband would cheat. What are you afraid he will do?

Does this have more to do with the way you met your H – who you obviously feel is a good person, otherwise why marry him – or is this more about the aftershocks of your previous abusive marriage? Is your current H paying for your ex’s sins?

I “kind of” get the agreement part, but it also seems unrealistic in the long term. Its like you guys said “I’ll never trust you – here’s the list of stuff you can NEVER do.” If you are that nervous about your H, then you know he doesn’t need a weekend away to misbehave and maybe you shouldn’t be together anyway.

I guess the big question for me is “Do you trust him?” If you don’t, you probably shouldn’t be together.


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## JGIRL (May 10, 2010)

You could say that he married someone who CHEATS also. But I have no intention of EVER doing so again. I made a commitment to him and to myself. I regret that we did not wait until we were both divorced before getting to know each other, I regret it every day! I know all the statistics, I knew them before we married. He did too! We wanted to be together and to make this marriage work. Funny, a week ago, I felt like we were the best we'd ever been! We've blended two families, have a beautiful new baby and felt like we were in this together. When you have trust issues this fragile it only takes a moment for the whole thing to crumble!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Do you trust him?

Forget how you met. How has he behaved towards you during your time together. Has he given YOU any reason to think that he would be unfaithful to YOU?

Do you trust him?


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## JGIRL (May 10, 2010)

In every day situations, YES, I trust him. I believe that he loves me, and our family and that he wouldn't do anything to destroy that! 

However, until this year, I have gone with him on these trips. I know the type behavior that goes on, the flirtations, etc. I believe that when you combine peer pressure (from those participating), alcohol (which they will consume), and bike week at the beach (lots of partying people, I know, I've been there, both with him and as a single person) you are going to lessen inhibitions and lines that you wouldn't normally cross may get blurry. After all, 68% of those that are unfaithful never intended to be unfaithful and regret it immediately. You should not put yourself in that position!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have to agree that when I read that you agreed to NEVER go out with these guys, it seemed pretty unrealistic. 

I've always found that setting unreasonable goals only means you're setting yourself up for failure.

That said, the real issue at stake is that he is consciously denying your feelings, or perhaps saying he doesn't CARE what your feelings are, because he wants to do what he wants to do.

These are character issues, IMO.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

ok - bike week at the beach paints a clearer picture.

If they were just renting a condo at the beach to "get away" or go play golf I would think you should at least consider letting him go.

Just remember that if you decide that this is truly a deal breaker, don't make any threats that you are not fully prepared to follow through on.

Tough situation - no easy answers...


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## JGIRL (May 10, 2010)

Our agreement wasn't that he could NEVER go with these friends or that I could NEVER go with specific friends. The agreement was that we would not TRAVEL overnight with specific friends, both his and mine, that had been or showed signs of being unfaithful in the past. He has lunch, drinks and dinner with these guys occasionally. He has gone on week-ends with other friends that I have no problem with. He plays golf with some of these guys too. He isn't a prisoner but we set specific boundaries and I believe that is doable. THIS AGREEMENT WAS HIS IDEA!!!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

JGIRL said:


> THIS AGREEMENT WAS HIS IDEA!!!


You can scream that at him until you are blue in the face. He's changed his mind, so you have to deal with how he is thinking right now.

Did you discuss going with him? Is there a reason you've gone in the past but weren't invited this time?


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## JGIRL (May 10, 2010)

Our children are with us this week-end. In the past, we have gone when they are with the other parent. He, on the other hand, will get his ex to keep his son or her mother will do it if he is going. "Our" daughter, obviously, it is expected that he can go and I will stay home with her.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

_he is replacing someone that has cancelled and would be rooming with another guy._

How are you certain of that?

_I don't suppose that there is any room for mistakes or forgiveness in life! Apparently those of us that crossed a line once and regret it must be d***ed forever!_

hhhmmmm I actually don't feel that way. Why? Because I was you once, so I know why you did what you did. But I'm not so understanding or forgiving of him, and apparently I have good reason. Anyone can call it a double standard if they want, but he's showing his true self....again. So, read the thread again in case you missed something. Not much of a double standard on my part at all.

I wish people would quit making this about trust issues. This has nothing to do with whether she trusts him or not. It has everything to do with the weight and worth of his promises, as well as how much respect and consideration he has for his wife, her wishes, and her feelings. It's almost 2:15am here in the pre-dawn hours of Friday morning. I am so darned curious of what he will do. I hope he shines through and stays home. I really, really do. I can't bear to know what JGIRL's reaction will be if he goes. I try so hard to help empower women to know they don't have to be their man's child or his doormat. But I know when it comes to taking action, most women can't force themselves to stand up. So they sit down and take it. It's extremely disappointing because it gives him the green light to walk over her again, and again, which they so often do. At the same time, I know the heart is weak and emotions rule. It's usually too difficult to cut through the pain to come out on the right side of principle. So I don't want to sit in the jury chair or the judge's bench. I also don't want JGIRL to despair of any kind or end up feeling she failed herself either. For her sake, I hope he comes through. For her sake, I hope he stays home. We all need to know we mean at least as much to them as their own words told us.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

Very complicated, very.

1. he may be tellling u the truth. may want u two both to "grow" in trust as it were. so he shouldnt care if u go
off on holiday, minus butt massage n all.:lol:

2. he may be reverting back to old man he was as others
here have posted. u'll know by selfish requests
and no leeway, or concern for you, should u likewise counter
w/ selfishness.

3. he may be feeling "suffocated" in yer relations, justly or
not, this needs to be out in the open in yer talks.

4. he may sh*tting all over u or your agreement as he is 
headed back down the same tabacco rd once more.

YOUR response(s):

u can take the high rd, and philosophize that if he's gonna
cheat, he's gonna cheat.........sooner or later. can't stop
him in this. he's the one who's ultimately going to suffer
as we all have to live w/ our conscience, as a toll will be
collected someday 4 sure. no need to copy or spitefully
retaliate, but dont be a doormat either. counseling will
help u steer a way here, n keep u grounded.

u can take the low rd, and repay him any evil w/ evil.
instant gratification may be yours, but u 2 will realize
and pay for your new sins on top of yer old one(s).
really, u'll be no better than he is. better for u to just
walk away, as some have posted here for u to do. 
or fight him all the way down/out.

or.....u can develop a plan of action w/ what u can & cant
tolerate and what the penalties/ramifications are if he
crosses those lines in the sand. key is.....u gotta follow
thru w/ em, if he crosses. u must appear to be *STRONG*
thats what H and W's, and USA and China delegates/pols
respect. speak to a counselor about this, for specifics,
after speaking to H of course 1st.


peace-----------------------------------------------------cb45


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## JGIRL (May 10, 2010)

Thank you, the last 2 posts are very thoughtful this morning. Well, not sure where he is going this morning but he is going somewhere. A brief synopsis of last night ... i put the baby down early and went to watch tv in our room, shortly he joined me, watched a little tv and then asked about my counseling session the day before. He always wants to know how it goes but refuses to go along! I didn't give him alot of information, because honestly those sessions are private and if wants to know, he can go. Anyway, i (calmly and quietly) explained that she felt I was justified in my feeling because he had changed the rules without any discussion or agreement on my part. I had every right to be upset. And that if he wanted to renegotiate this agreement it should be done when there isn't an impending carrot (or trip) dangling out in front of him. He rolled over and said he disagreed and would never be going to counseling because she would only side with me. And that he had talked to numerous people about the situation and they all agreed with him. I asked if those same people knew the whole story (the infidelity) and he said, "no that wasn't their business" and well, you can't really make a fair judgement then can you, without all the facts?

At any rate, he said he felt trapped, like he could never go anywhere. That I wanted him to have all new friends and clear his agenda with me, to make sure I felt comfortable with it. 

To make this clear, we have been very focused on each other since we started seeing each other. He didn't want me going out and going off on trips either. We were very much playmates and since the baby arrived, our "playing days" are much more limited. I don't mean sexually, because our sex life if awesome. So, this isn't just me keeping him "trapped", because at times early on in our relationship, I felt trapped. I also felt like I would adjust and that it was the price that I paid for the infidelity. 

I told him that I would be willing to work on that and we could work out something that would work for both of us. I don't think he needs new friends, but I believe that some degree of accountability for who and where he is going should be run by me, just as I would expect him to want. 

He told me he had make arrangements for his son over the week-end and that if he wasn't going to the beach, he was going somewhere alone at least. He needed to get away.

Oh, and he throws in several times that this relationship is never going to work if...... and he won't stay in it if.......

This is his mantra when he doesn't get his way, I've heard over and over. I'm sick of it. It's like the boy crying wolf. And it works, because emotionally it has thrown me into a tailspin and panic, in the past. Only now, I'm sick of it and he's going to say it one time too many and I'm going to look at him and say "You're right" and walk away. 

We decided that we weren't going to make alot of progress last night and should save this "renegotiation" until a better time. He did tell me that if I wanted to get away, to go...he'd take care of the baby. So, that is what I am going to do. Not tit for tat, because then I would go this week-end. But next week-end is my week-end. I'm going either alone or with a friend. I'm looking forward to it. I believe though, he may feel differently when he is the one at home, unable to go and taking care of a 7 month old. (He's only kept her for couple hours at a stretch!! This will be interesting!) He fell asleep holding my hand.

He woke up this morning and cuddled up to me for a few minutes. I let him, I needed it but didn't let on that I did. I got up, got ready for work, got the baby ready while he packed. We spoke very little. I willed myself not to cry and to be strong, stand on my principle. He kissed by bye and looked at me so longingly for approval and he didn't get it! I told him I loved him and to be careful. He says he'll call. He'll have to... I will not be calling him.

I believe he will end up at the beach. But we shall see. I'm not sure how I feel, a little relieved that I anxiety of what if's is over. Is this a deal breaker? I still don't know... I love him tremendously, more that I ever imagined I could love a person. He's stubborn and difficult at times but extremely loving and giving MOST of the time. But I'm finished bending and being a doormat! I would say our relationship has just shifted today, just not sure what that shift is going to mean. I'll keep you posted. Any thoughts you have would be appreciated. No one knows about our "beginning" so it is nice to have some support and advice from those that I can be totally honest with.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Sometimes I took inventory and determined that what I wanted and what I had were not even remotely similar. For me, this would have been a deal breaker. I broke up, tore myself away several times because I was determined I wouldn't be trampled, I wouldn't be lied to, I wouldn't be made a fool. There are commitments to live up to when you make a commitment, and I was determined my guy understood that. I was never really demanding or domineering, but I did learn to look out for myself and be true to me.

You husband rejects anything and anyone who does not agree with him and does not confirm his opinion that he should be able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. That he rejects the notion of counseling is telling you he doesn't want to change, and he will never change. This is what I meant before when I said you asked for this. I wasn't being judgmental and clearly stated you didn't deserve it, but that you asked for it. Every woman has a tendency to think we are special to our guy; that everything he does is a reflection on us or an assault on us. We tend to think "he won't do that to me" and "he treated her that way but won't treat me that way." In this respect, we fail to see how their actions reflect nothing and no one but themselves. In this instance, you failed to recognize this was him, this was his character. It had nothing to do with his wife and had nothing to do with whether he was happy. Therefore, his cheating, his insincerity, his broken promises are not assaults on you. It is not his INTENTION to hurt you or to be disrespectful and inconsiderate. Those are the by products of his actions and his inability to be respectful and considerate, his inability to be faithful - to his word and to his wife. They are minor nuisances he knows he can take care of with a hug and "I love you."

So although you take this personally, like every woman does, it is not personal. It's just him. This is the man you married. Consider it a mistake if you wish, but the deed is done. Marrying him wasn't necessarily the mistake you made. Your mistake was in failing to recognize him for who he is, in hoping he wasn't the person you knew him to be or that he would be different/better for you, and in thinking you safeguarded your heart, your marriage, and your defenses. There are no safeguards except to change your way of thinking because you surely will not change him. You will be hurt over and again, as this is the first he has shown you how well you've been duped, but it certainly isn't the first time this will happen. So how often do you expect to open yourself up to this kind of heartbreak and much worse? Each every time will come down to the question of "deal breaker or not?" until they add up to realizing this one here, this very first one, was supposed to be the deal breaker because you know right now that there are more to follow.

By "change your way of thinking" I mean to consider another dynamic to your relationship. It is one you will dismiss out of hand and a notion you have probably rejected a thousand times before, but I want you to consider it if only for a time. I am talking about an open marriage. You already know there are no rules with him, so there's no point in re-negotiating the rules. They will only remain in agreement until such time as he wishes to breach and, well, so much for the rules yet again. What I'm suggesting is the rule to have no rules. You both get to see other people and continue loving each other, spending your life together, and raising your baby.......but there's no pain, or at least much less of it because there are no rules, no expectation that you are special, and no surprises. You might fear there is a likelihood you will lose him to another woman, but you run that risk anyway, don't you? 

If he goes for the suggestion, then he confirms where his mind is. If he rejects it, he can't stand the thought of you with another man but still won't be willing to commit to his word or any rules. It will become apparent that he enjoys the by-product results of his actions. As you can see, it matters little to him right now that you are hurt. The only thing that matters is what he wants to do. You can't keep thinking you are special. He has shown you that you're not. He showed his first wife that she wasn't. None of us are. But there's no point to end up divorced down the line when divorce is not what you want and will only be the ultimate decision you make after being hurt again and again. Changing your way of thinking is the only way to safeguard your heart and your marriage. An open marriage is a possible solution. Just think about it. Otherwise, what is there to do right now? Do nothing and let him get away with this major offense of disrespect? Divorce? You know you don't want either of those, but you also know you cannot depend on him to be faithful.


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## JGIRL (May 10, 2010)

That's obviously something to think about... Although the thought makes me sick, I love him so much. My gut feeling is he would be outraged. He spent quite a bit of time being very jealous and insecure in the beginning. I'm 9 years younger than he is and it has worried him in the past. The thought of me with another man will send him over the top. He will say, and did say last night that he is not going to be unfaithful EVER. That he will leave first. He does not want to be in a relationship like that every again. 

He has yet to call, it's been about 8 hours. He is wherever he intended to go and yet I've heard nothing from him. I am strong for a time and then teary eyed.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would walk right up to him and say (your words above, paraphrased):
_You throw in several times that this relationship is never going to work if...... and you won't stay in it if.......I've heard it over and over. I'm sick of it. It's like the boy crying wolf. And it works, because emotionally it has thrown me into a tailspin and panic, in the past. I'm sick of it and you're going to say it one time too many and I'm going to look at you and say "You're right" and walk away. 

Just remember that._


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