# Heartbroken or codependent?



## Colorblind (Apr 14, 2014)

I have been married for 35 years. I do love my husband. Still married but separated for about a year and a half. My husband said he didn't want to be married anymore - to anyone. Doesn't want to answer to anyone. Went out and bought a truck and a motorcycle - wants to be single - so he says but I know he's talking and seeing a few women. 

I am having the hardest time understanding how someone can be together for 35 years and then suddenly be out of your life like you never existed. Well and that's not 100% true because he wants to keep a friendship - says we have too many years together (and three kids - all grown) and says that we'll be in each other's lives forever to some degree. I'm afraid to push him away by saying "forget it." But my anger and hurt are consuming me and I don't know how to step out of it. Any advice?


I tried therapy but it was soooo expensive I couldn't afford it. I need to talk to someone who understands that "feeling like they are nothing" feeling. I feel like nobody without him. I feel like nobody because he makes me feel like nobody.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Would you try to be friends with a boss who fired you?

We teach people how to treat us. You feel like "nothing" because you allow it.

Cut all contact with him, except for email contact regarding business issues (e.g. logistics of separation or divorce).

And yes. You are codependent. What do you plan to do about that?


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## Colorblind (Apr 14, 2014)

I don't know what to do about the codependent stuff. I have always been a strong confident woman but now I have such deep self esteem issues. I am overweight, which makes my husband not attracted to me and I know just that makes him a shallow person but yet I still look at myself the same way in the mirror! I have spent so many years letting my husband make me feel that I was less because of what he thought that I started believing it. 

This is the first week since our separation that I have not responded to his texts. It's killing me but something told me to not respond anymore. I want so badly to respond with how I feel about my hurt and anger but thinking he doesn't really care so why waste my efforts and emotions. And again yet, I am terrified of pushing him away. He's cheated on me our entire marriage - I was never good enough - why can't I be strong enough now to push hard?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

He did not do anything to you that you did not allow.

Boundaries, for yourself, and for your relationships. Learn what yours are and how to enforce them. 

You would benefit from joining a support group.

You should look into (CODA) codependents anonymous in your area.


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## Colorblind (Apr 14, 2014)

Thank you Spun - I will do that. I've never heard of that group before. I've looked a bit for some other types of divorce and/or separation group meeting but have been unable to find any that don't require a lot of money! 

He's cheated on me our entire marriage. I was just reading how someone else was talking about how his wife had cheated on him and just told him little truths - my husband NEVER admitted until I tricked him into it. I am certain there are many more that I just don't know about. I wish I didn't feel so inadequate. 

We had a great sex life - It was always exciting. He would tell me how great it was and how sexy I was. We were creative - it didn't seem boring at all. But then, why was I never enough? We laughed a lot together, enjoyed a lot of the same things, i.e. movies, theater,, music, watching our children in sports - I miss all those good times so much it hurts. I guess what I was experiencing was companionship and he didn't love me at all. 35 years and now I'm a shell. 

Well I will definitely go search for CODA on the net right now!


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

He may very well have loved you, to the extent he was capable of. 

He can't miss you if you stay in contact with him. Cut him off. He deserves to be totally cut off. 

He cheated throughout the marriage? Well that says a lot about him. 

Like it or not, this is a new chapter of your life. And you don't want him keeping you dangling.


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## hitbyabrick (Nov 14, 2013)

I'm not going to say whether you're codependent or not, but there's a lot of folks here that can recognize that better than I can.

I'd never heard about codependency until I started reading here. Thought it might apply to me, so I picked up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Started reading, and it was scary how much it applied to me.

Book gets a lot of recommendations here, and it helped me out a lot. If you think you're codependent, it's worth reading.


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## Colorblind (Apr 14, 2014)

Thank you indiecat - you are right he is leaving me dangling and it's been like living with a dying loved one - the grief is endless and there's no relief. I don't really want a divorce - terrifies me - so final but at the same time how can I get closure if closure never happens? I, unfortunately, look at it as hope but deep down I just think he wants his cake .... 

I really never thought there'd be a new chapter in my life that wouldn't include my husband. I thought once the kids were all out of the house we could once again concentrate on each other but he didn't seem to want to wait that long. I know I need to heal and move on - it's just so difficult.


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## Colorblind (Apr 14, 2014)

Hitbyabrick (<- like that seems appropriate), I had gone to a therapist a few times before I got the bill and it was $350 a session - even with insurance! Anyway, can't afford it but she suggested that book too and I just haven't gotten around to picking it up - guess it's time eh? 

So the book did help you out - that's good to hear. Thanks.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Last summer I ended a 45 year marriage after DD2. I have a much happier life now. If I can do it, you can too.


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## Colorblind (Apr 14, 2014)

Wow Openminded - 45 years is a long time. Good for you! DD2?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

DD = Discovery day of my husband's affair. DD2 occurred 30 years after DD1 -- with the same affair partner. I have no idea if he continued to see her off and on during those 30 years or not. It didn't matter. I was done once I discovered she was still, or back, in his life.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Colorblind said:


> I don't know what to do about the codependent stuff. I have always been a strong confident woman but now I have such deep self esteem issues. I am overweight, which makes my husband not attracted to me and I know just that makes him a shallow person but yet I still look at myself the same way in the mirror! I have spent so many years letting my husband make me feel that I was less because of what he thought that I started believing it.
> 
> This is the first week since our separation that I have not responded to his texts. It's killing me but something told me to not respond anymore. I want so badly to respond with how I feel about my hurt and anger but thinking he doesn't really care so why waste my efforts and emotions. And again yet, I am terrified of pushing him away. He's cheated on me our entire marriage - I was never good enough - why can't I be strong enough now to push hard?


I was married to a cheater and divorced him after almost 30 years together. From your story, it appears that he has damaged your self esteem, and yet you can be a "strong confident woman". Well, my friend, it's time to claim that all back. For yourself.

Start with the little things. Change your hair style. Polish your nails. Dress up a bit. Smile more often. Be proud of who you are and who you have become. Think of any hobbies that interest you and pursue those interests. Take walks and enjoy being alone with yourself. Make plans for a future without him to bring you down. Contact old friends and chat. There are many ways to help you "out of your shell" where you can visualize new potential for yourself. Life ain't over. 

And not answering his texts is a good thing, unless as someone else pointed out, it's about the children or about the pending divorce. He had your attention all those years and he blew it with you. Now it's your turn to enjoy life - and you will.


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## Colorblind (Apr 14, 2014)

Openminded said:


> DD = Discovery day of my husband's affair. DD2 occurred 30 years after DD1 -- with the same affair partner. I have no idea if he continued to see her off and on during those 30 years or not. It didn't matter. I was done once I discovered she was still, or back, in his life.


Thank you Openminded... Discovery Day eh? I have too many of those to remember.


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## Colorblind (Apr 14, 2014)

survivorwife said:


> I was married to a cheater and divorced him after almost 30 years together. From your story, it appears that he has damaged your self esteem, and yet you can be a "strong confident woman". Well, my friend, it's time to claim that all back. For yourself.
> 
> Start with the little things. Change your hair style. Polish your nails. Dress up a bit. Smile more often. Be proud of who you are and who you have become. Think of any hobbies that interest you and pursue those interests. Take walks and enjoy being alone with yourself. Make plans for a future without him to bring you down. Contact old friends and chat. There are many ways to help you "out of your shell" where you can visualize new potential for yourself. Life ain't over.
> 
> And not answering his texts is a good thing, unless as someone else pointed out, it's about the children or about the pending divorce. He had your attention all those years and he blew it with you. Now it's your turn to enjoy life - and you will.



I actually wonder if my husband cheated on me with my best friend more than once in the last 30 years. I think so but I don't have proof. I had given him the benefit of the doubt and since his Dad is a cheater I just thought it was in his nature - so I would forgive. Now I wish I had not forgiven the first time he had done it but then I may not have my three girls - which were obviously meant to be!  

You are right I need to work towards claiming myself back! 

Thank you for your encouraging note.


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