# How to make my Husband understand



## LaBella (Mar 9, 2009)

I had posted my main problem on the parenting forum, but this issue I am going to put it here, see if I can get advice, don't know what else to do.

I little background, my D10, has been sexual abuse by her school teacher, she did not say anything until last week (this happen last month), and it came about for a total different investigation been done at the school; when the investigators and social worker ask about the other issue she spoke up and told them about this issue as well, to my total shock and heartache and total pain. 

My problem is that my H, has been to passive about the issue, he wants to shove the issue under the rug and forget about it, I believe that he hasn't come out of the shock yet. When the shock finally settled for me I broke down and cried for hours, and he got upset at me because I broke down and I should be strong for my D and not let her see me this way, even though I was in the shower late at night and she was in bed. He does not think that my D need to go to the therapist and open the wounds, even thought she ask to go, she seems to be holding up very good, but I know it has to be hurting inside. She shows a very brave face for the world, but it is not talking about it and she needs to do that to starting healing. Specially since they already told us that she has to go to court and might have to testify on the preliminary, I wish I could spare her this pain, I would give her my life for her, and I know he would be too. He told me that he does not care what they do to the man as long as our D, could be spare the pain of testifying and seeing him again.

But he thinks that ignoring the issue is the best therapy and is reluctant to go see the therapist that has been recommended to us for her problem. What can I do to get my H, to understand that this is not an issue that can be ignore or lock in a drawer with a forget label? She needs the help to heal, the teacher was somebody she cared for very much and she is upset because she knows that when she spoke his life and career got destroyed, even when she did nothing wrong and that man is at fault, she still feels that she let the class down and hurt her friends by having spoken up.

Any advice on how to take him out of the shock and to understand that therapy is the best for her?


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Your daughter ABSOLUTELY needs to spend some time in therapy.

If she doesn't, it will go 1 of 2 ways.

Either she will be looking for that kind of "attention" from boys way too early (aka having a ton of sex in junior high and high school) or...

She will never be able to trust a man and when she is an adult and looking to get married, she will be very reserved, unwilling to fully open herself emotionally to her husband. I know this version very well since my wife was raped as a teenager and never had counseling, we were married for 5+ years before she fully opened up to me sexually and was able to have her first orgasm ever...after 5 years of marriage.

Obviously neither of these situations is healthy for your daughter, the overly sexual or the 100% reserved to the point of not having a healthy marriage in the future.

She needs therapy, someone who is trained to handle these cases.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

LaBella said:


> When the shock finally settled for me I broke down and cried for hours, and he got upset at me because I broke down and I should be strong for my D and not let her see me this way, even though I was in the shower late at night and she was in bed.


Well, next time this happens just tell your H that its ok to cry. He's angry at you because he's projecting his own vulnerability on you. he doesnt want to be vulnerable. so he gets angry when anyone else is. i hope that makes sense. next time though just know that its himself that he is angry at, not you. 

Honestly i can understand both sides of the story. i can understand your H just wanted to move forward and not make a big deal about it. There is some credence to this approach. Make sure you dont shut him out. His opinion is important and together you can come to a compromise. The most important thing now is that your daughter feels she has both of you, and that you two are not fighting. 

I can also understand you wanting to pursue this. you want your daughter to get help, and to let her know you care and not to teach her to shut her feelings out. however, I am against therapy for children so young, because they have the potential to be institutionalized and exposed to ideas that they never would have had before. Its also a high risk that they will be put on drugs, which is always a bad idea. Take it from someone who has been in and out of therapy my whole life; shrinks dont know much. my sister was taken to therapy when she was really young too and it didnt help her. im not saying you shouldnt go, but dont shut your H out. you two need to talk. its more important that you two get along right now so your daughter feels she has a safe place to go. that will help her more then any shrink ever can.


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## FromNeptune (Apr 22, 2008)

To "ditto" the other reply, YOUR DAUGHTER DOES NEED THERAPY! I am a grandfather who has watched or observed my own grandaughter go through this and without the therapy, and I must say therapy by a professionally trained person in this area, she would not have made it. I want to address your husband direct.

Sir, I certainly can't look into your heart and know your motives, but as a grandfather going into my 3rd year (going to trial soon) observing and providing support from the sidelines, but please understand that you cannot push this under the rug and forget about it. It will not go away. The reply by REVITALIZEDHUSBAND is exactly correct-please read his reply again and again. Also, how in the world can you get upset at your wife for breaking down? When I was told what had happened to my granddaughter, I wept from the deepest parts of my soul and if I think about it too long today, I will weep again. We men, unless molested ourselves, cannot come within a million miles of understanding how a young girl feels when this happens. Sir, you need to have patience and understanding, even if you don't understand, with your daughter and wife during this time. She does need to talk about this matter, about her feelings but in a SAFE setting with the best professional therapist in this area of counseling. You sir, if are taking the position that this situation can be ignored, you are so wrong. If you don't do everything you can to get your daughter the best professional counseling in this area, then sir I am saying to you, you are extending the hurt and pain your daughter has already experienced and you are contributing to her hurt and pain for life. Why don't you go to the nearest Child Protection Services center, CPS. I know in some places CPS has a bad name. But because of my involvement with my granddaughter's case, I have found those people very supportive and extremely knowledgable about this matter. Let them tell you by the years of experience about kids who don't get therapy. Sir, if you have even the smallest amount of love for your daughter, you will TODAY do everything you can to get her to the best professional therapist for her situation.

From a grandfather who has been through the hurt and pain.


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## FromNeptune (Apr 22, 2008)

One more comment or two that I want to mention to my last post. I hope that the school, school board, you and especially the local legal authorities are pursuing the prosecution of the molester. It is hard to go through and often the child does not have to face the molester in court. But the molester needs to be prosecuted.


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## LaBella (Mar 9, 2009)

FromNeptune, thank you. 

To answer some of the comments: I did not write the whole story here, but there is more to it than that. About 3 years ago a pervert came around the neighborhood and started exposing himself to girls, my D and 2 of her friends were some of those girls, the guy is in jail now, but my D got affect some last time while he was out on bail. My D, grades fail down, she was very upset. I did not got her into therapy then, because once he went to jail everything she had went away.

This particular teacher, helped her get her grades up, and gain her trust and her love, which it was hard to do at the time. He fooled all of us, the school, the parents, the other teachers and the students, whom are suffering now, because he moved up with them from 4th grade to 5the grade at their request with the parents support. My family and me are the bigger fools, since we trusted him and made some friendship with him. The CPS and the Victim Unit Services are working with us. He has been charged with aggravated sexual battery and it is out on bail until the court. CPS and VUS has already warned us that my D might have to go to court, since she is so far the only victim that has actually spoken.

We are very proud that she told the investigators everything, there was no rape, thank God, but the touching is as much as a violation as anything else. I have always been close to my girls, and they come to me with about anything, I listen and help them with their problems, but she did not come to me with this, she told them after they ask, even told them I had asked her and she could not tell me.:scratchhead:

Right now, she seems to be holding good, at least putting a face for the world, I know she is thinking hard about it and has some worries, just little things she has said to me, but it is not talking to me or her sister, she says she will when she is ready to tell me. But she told one of her friends that she felt she wanted to kill herself for speaking and making the whole class so sad and deppressed. That is the main reason that I want her to go to the therapist to help her open up about it and for what revatilzaedhusband said not to happen. I have convince my H to go along with the therapy for now, I will let the evalution to go, I checked and made sure that she is the best on her field, she is the trainer for some of the other ones around this area and is very well respected. My D has the best therapist we could find, so I will seat and wait. 

Blanca thank you for the warning, I will keep it in mind, I wil not let them put her on any type of medication that I will not feel sure of and for now they will give her 12 sessions, I will reconsider after those. I will make sure her DAD has his opinions well known, even when he does not want to understand, all he wants is to stop everything and not make her suffer anymore. But this is life and we most go on.

Thank you


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## FromNeptune (Apr 22, 2008)

You and your daughter are going through some tough times and I feel deeply for you. I remember the night I was told about my granddaughter's situation. I was told to me the private investigator at a Denny's restaurant and that my daughter, my granddaughter's mother, would not be present. We sat for a while and then he told me. The emotions I experienced can't be described. I will never forget his words after he had told me what had happened, he said you and your family are in for a roller coaster ride for the next x years like you have never known before. How true those words were. It is better today but we are not off the roller coaster yet. And for you and your daughter to experience the lowest form of humanity, I mean this teacher who has the gaul to deliberately cover up his depravity so he could harm a child again-I have no mercy on him-I hope your daughter can gain the strength if she has to testify. There are ways that she would not have to face the defendant, i.e. partitions can be put up where only the jury, judge, etc can she her. Tell her there are lots of people supporting her and nothing she has done was wrong, it is not her fault, that she is loved by her parents and people who want only the good for her. My daughter, mother of my granddaughter, did not have the money to pay the lawyer fees. I had retired and used all of my 401k to pay the legal fees. But I was glad to do so and I would do it again with no hesitation. Money means nothing when it comes to protecting our children and their welfare and safety. Please tell your daughter not to feel bad about talking and speaking from her heart-again, she has done nothing wrong, she is ok and pure. I would add some caution that she talks freely only around individuals such as you, CPS professionals and anyone else who has been vetted to be safe. These low life creatures pick up on what kids say and target them as prey. Hang in there. Mr. Husband and Father, I really hope you are giving all your support to your wife and daughter UNCONDITIONALLY. They need you now more than ever. God give you peace and safety.


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