# Had the talk, wife finally taking our sex life serious!!!



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Yesterday, I was getting my blue balls from lack of sex. So when I came to bed, I started initiating and my wife tells me NO, I'm tired, yet she gets the next two day off work. I felt rejected and angry and told her the #1 reason our marriage sucks is because of your LD!!! Next day, I get back from work and my wife is actually upset because of what I said. Good I tell her. That evening we finally had "the talk" and chatted for a long time about everything. I told her about my sexual fantasies I want to do with her, everything I've talked about on this forum, she's still won't consider anal but everything else is fine and that I've masturbated thousands of times since I was about 13 years old. She asked me, but you are God fearing?! I told her, we are married, so anything you want us to do is game, just not a 3 some. So now she understands pretty much anything goes. She told me she is going to make an appointment, to get a shot in her vagina. This will reset her hormones and sex drive, etc. She is also taking some sexual / physical counseling to get through this "wall" of her not wanting to let herself go with me. She knows this and has told her therapist its a major issue in our marriage. This is great news!!! Then she ordered a sexual eastern book for him and her for us, great. Now she is actually looking at going back to a gym. Awesome. That night, I started kissing her neck passionately (she hates that) and she let me and enjoyed it. I took her upstairs and she tells me, this night is for you. Great BJ, missionary and her playing with my balls, doggie and she arced her back butt up into me, it was all great. I told her I want to cuddle with you naked all night. She tells me no, and puts on sweaty pants, shirt, etc. gross. She finally took everything off and cuddled up to me naked, all night for the first time. This morning, she was cuddled up to me, warm, happy and loved it.

I also had mentioned that I'd like it if she initiated more, 50 / 50 and not always me. And when I initiate, its not planned, day or time, its spontaneous and fun, otherwise, there's no point and its more like a task. And whenever I initiate, she usually always says no so I feel rejected and why even bother? That sunk in for her. I also told her I will never say no to you or your ideas but its fine for you to do this to me? It sunk in. I also told her I want to buy her toys, watch adult movies with her, talk dirty, I like her feet, just try anal once and see, everything on the table, so now she knows. I told her I want to sneak in the shower with you but why do you always lock the doors?! If I did surprise her in the shower, you would freak, right? Everything is out and I told her the main reason I don't go to the beach, mall, have her cut my hair, no facebook, no chatting like before, no going out with the guys to bars, pubs, etc. is because I'm sexually starved and weak and don't want to set myself up for a hottie to just want sex with me for an evening. She also knows when she's never in the mood for long periods of time, I relieve myself instead of doing nothing.

My wife also mentioned to me that many clients wife's who had this vaginal shot, made a huge difference in their sex lives. The husbands actually thanked the therapist!!!

I think if this vaginal shot does the trick, our books we will be reading soon and her counseling sessions getting rid of her wall to pleasure and going to the gym, our marriage will be fantastic!!!! I will keep everyone posted about the vaginal shot because it might make a huge difference and save a lot of marriages here as well.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

Sure that vaginal shot does good work, but the psychology behind it is actually the one boosting the sex drive.

According to my experience the sexdrive will diminish within 2 or 3 months to lower levels. It is a placebo effect. While the vaginal shot lets your wives arousual balance up again, it is imposible for her to always be aroused by you forever UNLESS you are acting like a real man. And that is what actually made her get that shot in the first place, remember:


> Yesterday, I was getting my blue balls from lack of sex. So when I came to bed, I started initiating and my wife tells me NO, I'm tired, yet she gets the next two day off work. *I felt rejected and angry and told her the #1 reason our marriage sucks is because of your LD!!!* Next day, I get back from work and my wife is actually upset because of what I said. Good I tell her. That evening we finally had "the talk" and chatted for a long time about everything. *I told her about my sexual fantasies I want to do with her*


*These two* thing were fairly dominant gestures which turn women on a lot when not overdone! You were angry and you stated our what you want without any sign of shame. I dont know why, but women are turned on to such traits, they see you as a real man suddenly, not the whimpy husband who is going to try everything just in order to ejacualte in her. No, a real man.
Meaning, you will have to consider not always beieng too soft in your relationship, but you will also have to have a bit of tolerance.
The fact that your wife was so sexualy open proves her loving you taking what you want. Missionary sex, doggy style, Bjs anf Hj are normal sexual poses. So NEVER make a big deal out of them (= do not behave as if you want to thank her for them (=do not only cuddle with her when sex is great, but also do not always cuddle with her when sex is great) = NEVER do things that state THANK YOU FOR SEX!!! This is cute inititally, but will bring sex downwards sonner as you want..).
When it comes to anal sex, you cant just play out your dominant card, especially when your wife has never taken it back-door. U ll have to introduce it slowly. The best approach is to tell her that you are going to do something EVIL to her for a minute (make sure she is aroused before saying this!!!), then you lube your finger with saliva and just softly rab her anus with it (do not penetrate unless her arousal is constant!). You will have to continue talking about how doing something evil within your private 4 walls turns both of you on while playing her. In case she gets angry or calls you on it, stop BUT ignoe her comments. Just tell her that it aint a big deal and do not get into a discussion (often just beieng a hard head who wont discuss certain matters solves the problem because then the topic become YOU BEIENG A HARD HEAD! Relax and enjoy)
Repeat this once in a while during coitous. This will make her to start to love anticipating anal fingering etc.. For more information check out other threads here or online material..

All the best


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wife was telling me, for some people it may only take one shot and others a few shots. Depends on the woman.

My wife of 13+ years has been like this since we got married. This is due to her larger size, insecurity and her parents being ultra quiet and conservative. And of course her being told she is fat by others before we knew each other didn't help either. I've been through the sex once every 2 - 4 weeks since we were married so I'm sexually starved.

I totally get what you are saying and these traits that turn on women when not overdone, alpha male traits I've learned from this forum, so many thx to everyone.

I cuddle with her regardless if we have sex or not.

Anal would be cool but I'm not pressing for it.

Basically, I'm not a Mr nice guy anymore but not a jerk either.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Vaginal shot? OUCH! 

What will they be injecting, and where exactly?


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

First of all....the way you began this thread...."I had my blue balls from the lack of sex so I went to get some sex..." makes it sound like your wife is nothing more than a method of relief for your blue balls.

Maybe you didn't mean it that way but that's how it sounds.

Second, a VAGINAL SHOT?

You're lucky I'm not your wife, there's no way I'd let a needle near my vagina.

Try to be patient with her...don't push her too far, too fast. Demanding is not a way to fix things. If you aren't careful, you'll end up with her doing all of this just to shut you up and that will build resentment. 

You basically, in so many words, threatened to cheat on her if she didn't open herself up to toys, porn, foot play and anal. It doesn't sound like she's doing these things because SHE wants to, it sounds like she's doing them because you've got her running scared. It's very emotionally unhealthy to set her mentality up this way- be more adventurous with me in the bedroom and do everything I want or I'll cheat on you. Even if you didn't say that it is highly likely she internalized this. 

If your wife stops feeling that you love her through sex and starts to feel like you just want to use her to re-create your porn fantasies or whatever, she is likely to pull away from you, even if she gives you sex. Why don't you try making it less about your desires and more about making her feel like she is cherished through sex?

Good luck.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

> I cuddle with her regardless if we have sex or not.


Check! Good!



> Anal would be cool but I'm not pressing for it.


Check! Good!



> Basically, I'm not a Mr nice guy anymore but not a jerk either.


Check! Good!

These are 3 awesome traits. I am sure there are more which we cant discuss here due to the post-length.


> First of all....the way you began this thread...."I had my blue balls from the lack of sex so I went to get some sex..." makes it sound like your wife is nothing more than a method of relief for your blue balls.
> 
> Maybe you didn't mean it that way but that's how it sounds.


He should go into media marketing. Didnt he get your attention? YES or YES?



> Second, a VAGINAL SHOT?
> 
> You're lucky I'm not your wife, there's no way I'd let a needle near my vagina.


Thats the good thing of humans beieng in different situations: there is no way you can understand enouph unless ever have gone through exactly the same thing.
I bet you d go for exactly that shot when highly turned on and wanting your husband.



> Try to be patient with her...don't push her too far, too fast. Demanding is not a way to fix things. If you aren't careful, you'll end up with her doing all of this just to shut you up and that will build resentment.


I give you right here. 100%!! Thats why we ve mentioned not overdoing certain things ;-). *With great power comes great responsibility.*



> You basically, in so many words, threatened to cheat on her if she didn't open herself up to toys, porn, foot play and anal. It doesn't sound like she's doing these things because SHE wants to, it sounds like she's doing them because you've got her running scared. It's very emotionally unhealthy to set her mentality up this way- be more adventurous with me in the bedroom and do everything I want or I'll cheat on you. Even if you didn't say that it is highly likely she internalized this.


In the end it is results that matter. And as long as he does not over do this, she will even feel more secure with him because he doesnt need to hide his fantasies or lock himself up to do porn while his dear wife could as well open up and enjoy part of these. Sure, she might never want to do all of his fantasies, and that is sure fine, but some fantasies are good for both men and women. Its just who you are ready to do things with. Easy as that.



> If your wife stops feeling that you love her through sex and starts to feel like you just want to use her to re-create your porn fantasies or whatever, she is likely to pull away from you, even if she gives you sex.


Right. That is what made him get less sex in the first place + he never made a clear move of what he wants. NOW he has been honest, he will have to make sure he balances well.



> Why don't you try making it less about your desires and more about making her feel like she is cherished through sex?


This is rather a problem wives have to get over in a marriage. Any man who does this frequently is lying and a hypocrit. Dont fool yourselves. Most women recent these even more than a husband who nags around. Never felt it? Be happy.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Psy.D. C. Maso said:


> Check! Good!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Lying? What? I've heard MANY men on here say that it is less about the physical release and more about being close their wives. 

Otherwise, she is going to feel like a sperm receptacle.

And I can tell you if this happens, he will most likely never get her to so much as look at his **** without cringing.

Women should NOT have to "get over this."

If a woman doesn't feel love through sex, there is something wrong with the way he is approaching it.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I get blue balls really bad if I don't get relief (sex) more than once every 2 weeks. It gets so bad, I have to use my stainless steel water bottle on my balls!!! When it gets that bad, she knows, and yes, I need sex at that point but no, I don't just use her for sex relief. We've had one of those LD marriages for 13+ years so we don't have much sex to begin with and that has nothing to do with me.

Vaginal shot was my wife's idea and doing. I didn't know about it until "our talk" and she was going to get this done, don't tell me and see what would happen as a surprise. From what she's told me, it's not as bad as it sounds.

She's had 13+ years to get her issues resolved. 13+ YEARS!!! That tells me she wasn't doing anything and sand bagging it for 13+ years. Not cool for our marriage.

See, when I don't push for sex, she never initiates and lets it slide for weeks / month, etc. Not acceptable in any marriage.

If I don't honestly tell her what I'd like to do with her and only her, she'll never know and thus, trying new things will never occur. 

I have never said to her, do this or that with me or I'm having sex with hotties. Never. But you try being married with someone who has a LD and you have a HD for 13+ years and see how you'd deal with it?!

I told her, if you have any fantasies, fetishes, anything you've never told anyone, including myself, I'm game.

Men are built on testosterone and you can't expect us to have a LD just because many women do. If certain women don't want sex much LD, then don't get married or make sure your man also has a LD. Common sense.

If I always demanded sex of my wife 1x every day, then yes, a sex receptacle and that's wrong but 1x every 2+ weeks? Are you kidding???

For me, having sex with my wife is the physical and emotional all in one. If all I got was emotional / closeness but basically no sex, we are good friends and nothing more and why get married? To me celebit? Really.....?!


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

CuddleBug

hope this works out for you I've been in the same situation as you for about the same time and its miserable. It eventually will end my marriage I'm pretty sure, one day I'll just decide I've had enough. Don't let people judge on here its like I always say " you can't judge me because you've never walked a day in my shoes"


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> I've heard MANY men on here say that it is less about the physical release and more about being close their wives.



Under normal circumstances it is much more about closeness. 

You do understand the medical condition the 'blue balls' colloquialism describes?


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> Under normal circumstances it is much more about closeness.
> 
> You do understand the medical condition the 'blue balls' colloquialism describes?


Last I checked 13 year old boys have been relieving blue balls since the dawn of time without the aid of a woman.



I'm not saying the OP is wrong for wanting to have sex with his wife, I'm just making an observation about his choice of words.

It makes it sound less about sex with HER and more about sex PERIOD. 

Which it well may be but if she picks up on that, I'm just saying it might not bode well.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> Last I checked 13 year old boys have been relieving blue balls since the dawn of time without the aid of a woman.



Thirteen year old boys don't get congestive prostatitis. 


The situation is a different for an adult married male when his wife considers masturbation, especially when done with pornographical aid to be a form of infidelity. 

When a man is denied all sexual outlet for a long enough period of time, semen will congeal into a semi solid, resulting in congestion. This invites secondary bacterial infection and symptoms include sharp pain in the testicles, perinium and rectum sometimes accompanied by discharge of blood from the penis. It feels like urinating broken glass. --Very unpleasant.

I understand why a woman wouldn't want to be simply a "sperm receptacle" but that's not an excuse for cruelty either. A woman can't have it both ways.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

> Lying? What? I've heard MANY men on here say that it is less about the physical release and more about being close their wives.
> 
> Otherwise, she is going to feel like a sperm receptacle.
> 
> ...


Well. Fairly.. You know why you see yourself as a sperm receptacle sometimes? Its because you are the one who has the choice either to give or not to give sex.. Psychology. 

The same occures to men sometimes, they start to feel missused for sex and not really loved when there wives always want sex but rarely do non-sexual stuff for them (some start asuming their wives are just dirty nymphos). But I believe in the case of men, it is their fault when they believe this, because most women love to do non-sexual things for their men, it is a matter of asking.
In the case of women, I can asure you that most men who see you as a sperm bag, wont go along with NO for sex and would go for another woman (afair) behind your back. Its often that way, but the truth is often hard to believe.

The paradox is that the men who really love their women are often the ones who get turned down. The problem is that they lack knowledge in knowing how to express this. So they often do wrong moves or start to play at the wrong times. Some men overdo foreplay or overdo giving just because of trying to get sex, the truth is that women love a bit of chalenge and variation for both sides before intercourse. *And with chalenge I mean calibrating when to tease, when to just go for it OR when to do nothing.*

@cuddlebag

Do not overdo the talking about sex. This will increase the presure and diminish the pleasure. It is ok now and all that will make it better is your personality, which I hope is on a good way.

Now that you have been having sex, I advise you to initiate once a week (NOW MORE). Dont worry if she turns you down. The thing here is that she will be more comfortable. This move conveys that you dont get angry and therefore takes away presure. This lets initiating become interesting for her (women love a bit of chalenge!). Believe me, she will start initiating more often when you take away the sex issue from the table!!! This also means that you should not always buy into talking about sex when she starts with it (My female clients have mentioned that beieng turned down for talking about sex once in a while is a turn on.. Dont ask me why).

You ll make it.:smthumbup:


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> Thirteen year old boys don't get congestive prostatitis.
> 
> 
> The situation is a different for an adult married male when his wife considers masturbation, especially when done with pornographical aid to be a form of infidelity.
> ...


And no one is saying it is.

And EWWWWWWWWWW.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

See, I don't pressure my wife for sex all the time. Maybe 3x to 4x a week. And if she'd let me, I would give her an oral orgasm every time before we got going, if she'd let me that is. She loves it but fights it at the same time......makes something beautiful and simple complicated. I enjoy giving her oral and would love to do it every time.

I don't talk to my wife about sex every day either. We haven't had "the talk" in many years and in general I don't bring it up too much.

I've felt the pain of swollen testicles, very painful and it hurts to urinate at times. It is that bad when there is no sex for 2+ weeks and sometimes only after 1+ week.

I'd rather have sex with my wife and not porn in extreme circumstances but it is what it is.

I have a theory. Many (not all) women like to be chased, persued, romanced but fight the having sex part, even though they want it. It's the conflict and fighting they like, something like that. Want what you don't have and don't want what you do have.....


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> Lying? What? I've heard MANY men on here say that it is less about the physical release and more about being close their wives.
> 
> Otherwise, she is going to feel like a sperm receptacle.
> 
> ...


You are SOOO wrong Littlebird.

Guys go to their wives for sex because they are horny. But, they are horny for their wives. IOW, it is not just lust, and not just loving the wife. It's both at the same time.

That is how the woman feels love through sex. Not because the husband is not horny, because he is. The love comes through the realization that your husband has entrusted you, and you alone, to meet that need.

Don't forget that if a guy just wanted to get his rocks off, he would just stay single and not bother getting married. Or, he could just screw around on the side. If he is a decent guy and reasonably successful, he should not have too much trouble finding someone to meet his needs.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

DTO said:


> You are SOOO wrong Littlebird.
> 
> Guys go to their wives for sex because they are horny. But, they are horny for their wives. IOW, it is not just lust, and not just loving the wife. It's both at the same time.
> 
> ...


I'm not wrong because we're saying much the same thing.

That response wasn't directed at you. 

Also, sex for the sake of having sex is a hobby...not a need. 

Sex in the context of a relationship is a lot different.

My point was if the OP's wife starts to feel like she is just a tool her husband is using to recreate his fantasies, the love will not translate through to her and she will withdraw.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I'm using my wife to re-create my fantasies am I? What fantasies? I have never done any of them with her for 13 years, and I only recently told her about them. And now we'll see.

But it's a two way street. Like I said, I would love to give her oral orgasm every time before we got intimate and do any of her fantasies as well.

If you don't tell your other half about your fantasies, how will they know? Do they read minds now too?

Sex about once every 2+ weeks isn't a lot, in fact that's quite low for a married couple with no kids yet. If that's fine with you, great but not for the majority of men.

For us men, we need the physicality because we are built on testosterone!!!! Can't change that and if you do eliminate the sex, men are miserable, and eventually will wander because their wives aren't taking care of their needs.


"Guys go to their wives for sex because they are horny. But, they are horny for their wives. IOW, it is not just lust, and not just loving the wife. It's both at the same time.

That is how the woman feels love through sex. Not because the husband is not horny, because he is. The love comes through the realization that your husband has entrusted you, and you alone, to meet that need.

Don't forget that if a guy just wanted to get his rocks off, he would just stay single and not bother getting married. Or, he could just screw around on the side. If he is a decent guy and reasonably successful, he should not have too much trouble finding someone to meet his needs."

So true. :iagree:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> When a man is denied all sexual outlet for a long enough period of time, semen will congeal into a semi solid, resulting in congestion. This invites secondary bacterial infection and symptoms include sharp pain in the testicles, perinium and rectum sometimes accompanied by discharge of blood from the penis. It feels like urinating broken glass. --Very unpleasant.



Ouch!

So... My high school boy friend really was telling the truth? I'll be damned!


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Ouch!
> 
> So... My high school boy friend really was telling the truth?


Maybe. Boyfriends aren't usually under the same pressure not to relieve themselves in other ways that husbands of an idealistic, naive wife are though.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Before my wifee left for work, she came to me, gave me a nice hug, put her hands down my pants and massaged / groped my bum and licked my neck / kissing. I didn't ask her and she just took the initiative and did both. We'll, I fell into her, basically purring, telling her that was sooooooooo nice and she smiles and left for work. She NEVER does that on her own!!! The positive changes are starting.


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## 2ofus (Dec 25, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Before my wifee left for work, she came to me, gave me a nice hug, put her hands down my pants and massaged / groped my bum and licked my neck / kissing. I didn't ask her and she just took the initiative and did both. We'll, I fell into her, basically purring, telling her that was sooooooooo nice and she smiles and left for work. She NEVER does that on her own!!! *The positive changes are starting.*


I hope for you they are :smthumbup:


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## marriedmanhere (Aug 2, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Before my wifee left for work, she came to me, gave me a nice hug, put her hands down my pants and massaged / groped my bum and licked my neck / kissing. I didn't ask her and she just took the initiative and did both. We'll, I fell into her, basically purring, telling her that was sooooooooo nice and she smiles and left for work. She NEVER does that on her own!!! The positive changes are starting.


I hope the changes continue. I have had a similar talk with the wife before. She changes for a few weeks and then falls back into the same pattern. I hope it keeps up for you.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

marriedmanhere said:


> I hope the changes continue. I have had a similar talk with the wife before. She changes for a few weeks and then falls back into the same pattern. I hope it keeps up for you.


Me too marriedman!


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> I'm not wrong because we're saying much the same thing.
> 
> That response wasn't directed at you.
> 
> ...


LB, there are many different reasons for a husband and wife to come together to have sex. It's not always only _about_ intimacy, and it's not always only _about_ physical gratification, and it's not always only _about_ having sex to have sex. Yet, at DTO said, the love and intimacy is there by default because the husband and wife chose the other person to be the only person to meet that need. 

The reason behind having sex doesn't take it from a need to a hobby. Having sex to have sex absolutely, yes, can be a need. Same as having sex for intimacy. Or having sex for fun. Or having sex after making out because they're now horny. Or having sex because they missed each other. The reason behind the sexual act doesn't change the sex from need to hobby.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

It is interesting how so many of you keep fooling yourselves by trying to find reasons why sex isnt working. Even worse you start argueing about the meaning of sex, one says it is about intimacy, one says it should rather be more of a routine or a hobby etc etc.. 

YOU ARE TRYING TO TALK YOUR WIVES INTO SEX!.. BETTER PLAY THEM INTO IT, but I guess none of you has gutts and patience to create tension and stand straight.

Depending on your psychological point of view, now, you can believe sex is everything but what it actually is (an act performed by two beiengs who are attracted to each other... and not one beieng who is trying to justify why it should take place).


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Update:

Sunday evening I was on the computer doing a backup, movie trailer, etc. and my wife came home from work. I went downstairs. gave her a hug and back rub. She feel into me and I asked her about her day/ Then I gave her space to unwind and watch tv while I went on the computer. She likes her space at times. A short time later. she came into our computer room and suddenly grabbed my hand and pulled me to the bedroom!!! She wants a quickie, but it turned out to be 30 minutes later.......WOW. Sex 2x in 3 days, never has happened before. Then I decided to treat her by going out for Chinese food and we talked and watch the documentary on giant squids. I put her cold feet on my abs and she loved it, then cuddled up to me and feel asleep. So far so good........


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

> Then I decided to treat her by going out for Chinese food and we talked and watch the documentary on giant squids.


Do not get used to do this, you will regret this on the long run. No treating for sex. The only powerful longterm treat is cuddling once in a while after sex. That was a nice guy move of yours..


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

The Chinese food wasn't a give me sex and here's supper. It was me deciding to buy supper for my wife and I, not asking, just telling her we're getting something to eat, Chinese okay? But yes, don't be a mr. nice guy, agreed.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Psy.D. C. Maso said:


> Do not get used to do this, you will regret this on the long run. No treating for sex. The only powerful longterm treat is cuddling once in a while after sex. That was a nice guy move of yours..


Do I read this correctly? You are saying to only cuddle occasionally after sex and not most or all the time? A partner is not a puppy to dole out rewards to for a job well done or hold back rewards so as not to spoil them.

If this is what you mean then I would hate that attitude. We have the very best, long, loving cuddles after pretty much all our sex. Not after a quickie but after everything else including a random BJ. I crave the cuddle afterwards, if they were not shared i would start to feel rejected.

We both love to fall asleep in each others arms if it is a night time encounter. That to me is so bonding.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

> Do I read this correctly? You are saying to only cuddle occasionally after sex and not most or all the time? A partner is not a puppy to dole out rewards to for a job well done or hold back rewards so as not to spoil them.


At least who seems to have a relationship where cuddling has HIGH value.

YES! I am saying the OP has to leverege his behaviour after sex till the frequency gets stable. *He should cuddle, but he shouldnt over do it for now.* And before he buys her dinner or gifts after/for sex, HE SHOULD BETTER CUDDLE DOUBLE! He can buy her dinner when he is happy and feels to, but not because he is happy to have gotten sex.

The sex the the OP has described up there, is the sex I regulary get. Meaning, there are times it is far better than that.. And I never "pay" for it. 

_
If any man here does not believe their wives can unfold sexualy, he should please read the threads in which the wives are complaining not getting enough sex. What are the reasons:
a) unavailability
b) busy
c) not always wanting to hook up
etc.._
The problem isnt that much different, it is just that these men wo are wanted so much are overdoing the traits that turn women on to do anything for sex -> which makes these women unhappy. SO if you could manage to not overdo, you would be getting enpugh sex without her beieng unhappy on the long run (she will be unhappy at the beginning, but it will balance soon).

The problem the complainers here have is that, they arent able to have just a bit of those traits. YES they can be busy and unavailable, but then they add beieng ass-kissers, and "I will do everything, just please please be happy" and "I am getting no sex whinners" on top. Ohh.

I your case, Holland, you are fine to do as you feel, cuddling seems to unfold the power is should in your relationship, no need to hold it back.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

OK thanks for explaining further what you meant Psy.D. C. Maso


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Sometimes I tell my wife, come over here and its cuddle time, even though she is somewhat stressed from her day and doesn't want to. So she comes over and we cuddle, nap and every time she loves it and wakes up relaxed. There are days I give her space and we do our own thing, so no cuddling. It's not every day.

There are days we talk about our work and life and there are days we chill and do our own thing, our space.

Since our talk, my wife has been more physical and sexual, on her initiative, instead of always waiting for me to initiate and then get shot down. I'd say its more 50 / 50 now and not always me.

Being more alpha has helped our relationship, not in leaps and bounds but it has helped. Making the decisions, leading,, taking more of the initiative, helping her without asking, random flowers, cards and chocolates to make her day (not because of a fight or sex), random supper ready for her when she gets home from work (I get home before she does), standing up for myself, not being a Mr. Nice guy but not a jerk either, you get the idea. I'm being a man and not a boy.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Sometimes I tell my wife, come over here and its cuddle time, even though she is somewhat stressed from her day and doesn't want to. So she comes over and we cuddle, nap and every time she loves it and wakes up relaxed. There are days I give her space and we do our own thing, so no cuddling. It's not every day.
> 
> There are days we talk about our work and life and there are days we chill and do our own thing, our space.
> 
> ...


Good. Now please add getting her to do things for you. Let her make you coffee ir buy you a bun when you get from work. Women love to be useful.
Just behaving nonneedy wont fullfil the relationship.

The only time she doesnt love cuddling is when she doent beliece it is comforting, because you might have been taking her issues too serious lately. 

You know why girls love to cuddle their daddies? Because when they are there for her, they do not judge or correct her. So jumping in his arms is not crying for help but falking into a safe place to let all thats disturbing out.

Same applies to most wives. Be as strong as a father when she feels weakest.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Psy.D. C. Maso said:


> Good. Now please add getting her to do things for you. Let her make you coffee ir buy you a bun when you get from work. Women love to be useful.
> Just behaving nonneedy wont fullfil the relationship.
> 
> The only time she doesnt love cuddling is when she doent beliece it is comforting, because you might have been taking her issues too serious lately.
> ...


This is interesting but instead of derailing here I will post in general relationships, please answer if you are so inclined.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

When my wife asks me, should I get us something for supper and what do you want? Being more alpha, I tell her, I want a wrap and thai titanic because we got subs last time. Off she goes and gets us wraps. I don't do what I always did in the past with the response, I don't know, what do you want and buy me whatever. That has completely stopped!!!!!

Like today, I was napping on the couch. My wife got home and asked me were the storage key was. I told her, its on my key chain, hanging upstairs. Instead of me running upstairs to get them for her, I didn't and she got them. She wasn't happy but did it. Then I said to her, put the windshield wiper fluid in the trunk of your car so you'll never need the storage key. Her response, it might spill............but maybe she did put it in her car, don't know.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

Easy rules cuddlebug:

If she can do sth by herself, dont do it.

If it is a task that takes longer than 5 min AND you arent busy, offer your assistance or just standv up and assist. Dont make a big deal of your help.

When she does 2 things for you, make sure to do 1 for her. Do not state is a reward, just do it as if it were the most natural thing.

She threatens you if dont do X, do not do X!

Just because you helped or did sth last time, doesnt obligue you to do it again today.

Sure you will have to differenciate times of real emergency where your help is needed.

Last: When u have already done a task u didnt want to, dont bring it up again or call her on it. Shut up and be assertive next time.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

I forgot one situation.

Sometimes she will say she doesnt need help. Please evaluate the situation by yourself and then assist without any further talk.

This can be when its really late or you physical power could come (but dont jump everytime just because you want to show muscles).


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Psy.D. C. Maso said:


> Easy rules cuddlebug:
> 
> If she can do sth by herself, dont do it.
> 
> ...


Agree completely (I learned the hard way).

One note: I've found that you can tell how she feels about you depending on how she responds to you behaving in this way. She could respond to your leadership and prioritizing yourself, or she could get pissy that you are not at her beck and call.

Either response, though, is a good reason to do as noted above.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

> Agree completely (I learned the hard way).
> 
> One note: I've found that you can tell how she feels about you depending on how she responds to you behaving in this way. She could respond to your leadership and prioritizing yourself, or she could get pissy that you are not at her beck and call.
> 
> Either response, though, is a good reason to do as noted above.


I believe that inspite of emancipation, evolution still has the higher power in the mating game. It has created women to crave strong men.
This means that you are only playing the game right, when YOU decide how to deal with her. Sure there are times when taking her serious or giving her the lead is needed.
I, for my experience never take what my wife says by heart when the situation is emotional + I let her help me and do things for me, without me returning more than a "thanks", a kiss or a hug, becuase I know that it is one of the best feelings in a relationship when one can please the other an the other appreciates it. So I let her please me and appreciate most of the times.

Since I do this, I never worry to give her a good treat once in a while. I never expect anything in return, her beieng so happy about my treats is the biggest payment for me. I love it.

My wife has often mentioned that my treats are so much more adorable than those of her ex (though he took her on more luxurious journeys and bought her tons of jewelary), but she cannot figure out why, she asumes its because of my personality.
It never use to be like this in my prior relationship, I started recenting giving my ex a treat because she never appreciated.. It wasnt only her fault, but rather mine! It changed when I noticed that giving less makes what you give more valuable.. But not only that, when you can give without expecting in return, what you have given is priceless.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Today, my wife decided to surprise me with a sub when she got home from work. Nice. 

But before we ate, I cuddled with her on the couch, arm around her, feet on my feet, her arm under my shirt and her hand starts twitching as she falls asleep. She liked that. Then we both woke up, I told her she is so soft and we watched NHL and ate our subs and talked a bit about our day.

I noticed she is wearing a nice top, almost looks like glittery rubber, so I told her, nice and sexy. She says whatever and smiles......

So far so good. I can even live with sex 3x to 4x a week, if everything else is good in our marriage and it looks that way.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> So far so good. I can even live with sex 3x to 4x a week, if everything else is good in our marriage and it looks that way.


Good for you to be able to get 3x /4x a week. I can get only 1x or 2x a week, due to distance (My wife and I lives in different cities), and we're not young anymore. Consider yourself blessed


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Good for you to be able to get 3x /4x a week. I can get only 1x or 2x a week, due to distance (My wife and I lives in different cities), and we're not young anymore. Consider yourself blessed


I think it all came down to "the talk" that started to change everything for the better. She got too comfy and set in her ways. This was a wake up call for her.

I still apply the alpha traits and today, she was doing the laundry and I just helped her and didn't ask if she needed help. She was done but that fact is I helped her without asking.

I was considering working up north in the oil industry but that would mean us living apart for weeks at a time. Probably not good for our marriage so I just work here and do my job and she works at her newer job and financially we are blessed. I mean, no mortgage is 6 years time and we're in our 30's. I'm aggressive so all upgrades and appliances will also be done during that 6 year period = 0 debt and semi retired in our 40's.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Yea, good financial planning will always give good rewards. I am happy you're still considering working for the betterment of your relationship with your wife. At this point a divorce will not be advantageous to you, financially speaking.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

As of right now, I can't see a separation or divorce happening. Everything is going pretty good now and we're much happier. Now if I would have a second chance at life, I would of married a woman with a HD that takes care of herself, like me and we'd do all the crazy things most couple have done that we have never done. But I'll do the best I can do with what we've got.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Hey, if you're happy, she's happy, why ruin happiness? God bless you!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thank you and God Bless as well.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

When I went to bed last night, my wife was already pretty much asleep. So I started giving her a foot rub, back massage, cuddled with her for a bit and she actually cuddle to my back, which she never does. She was breathing in my ear, so warm, got me in the mood like BAM!!! I started talking to her and hinted, tonight would really mean a lot to me......Just when I thought she was going to sigh and say its too late, she put her hand in my underwear and started me off. We had a quickie, talked, another long back rub for her and we went to sleep. That's sex 3x in 6 days. WOW. The talk definitely worked......


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> When I went to bed last night, my wife was already pretty much asleep. So I started giving her a foot rub, back massage, cuddled with her for a bit and she actually cuddle to my back, which she never does. She was breathing in my ear, so warm, got me in the mood like BAM!!! I started talking to her and hinted, tonight would really mean a lot to me......Just when I thought she was going to sigh and say its too late, she put her hand in my underwear and started me off. We had a quickie, talked, another long back rub for her and we went to sleep. That's sex 3x in 6 days. WOW. The talk definitely worked......


See, this is what I meant by Teamwork in the other thread. Something is not fulfilling in the marriage, you and your wife communicated about it, she tried to understand, and work with you to remedy the situation. It worked because both of you work together to make it happen.

Other couples are not so lucky.

So, again, congratulations!


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> When I went to bed last night, my wife was already pretty much asleep. So I started giving her a foot rub, back massage, cuddled with her for a bit and she actually cuddle to my back, which she never does. She was breathing in my ear, so warm, got me in the mood like BAM!!! *I started talking to her and hinted, tonight would really mean a lot to me*......Just when I thought she was going to sigh and say its too late, she put her hand in my underwear and started me off. We had a quickie, talked, another long back rub for her and we went to sleep. That's sex 3x in 6 days. WOW. The talk definitely worked......


Good job so far! 

But I already see you getting used to talking. The situation right now wont hold long, i give it maximum 3 weeks and you will be fighting new issues if you dont rather work on the real core of turning a woman on. Talking will be fine once a while, but it isnt enough as a skill to get your healthy sex life.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Update:

I had Sunday off work and decided to surprise my wife, before she got home from work, with food from her fav restuarant. So when she came in the door, I gave her a hug and rubbed her back. She then walked into the living room and bam, there's dinner on our tv trays. She was surprised for sure. I'm getting much better at surprising her now but still have a bit to go before she doesn't guess it at all. I am very close though.

We ate together, talked about her day, cuddled on the couch afterwards with my arm around her under the blanket watching Man Tracker. Then I gave her my left over food so she didn't have to make food for work the next day and we went upstairs. I out streched my arms lying on the bed and she said close the doors, cat is out!!!

She wanted a quickie but it was more like 30 minutes. She started using her hands on me, licking my neck and ears. Then I proceeded to give her oral and she didn't resist, she loved it. But half way through she pulls me up and says I want you in me now. So I had her missionary and then doggie and she sucked my finger until I orgasmed.

Later on, I asked her, did you want me to try and give you an orgasm with penetration? She said, no, she didn't want to have an orgasm that evening because it takes a lot out of her and she has to get up early for work. I told her 99% of women never has orgasms from penetration and only from oral. She knows this. I asked her, I could buy you some toys, so while I penetrate you, you can use them on you at the same time, orgasm while I orgasm in you. She didn't get upset this time, she only said not yet. That's progress isn't it? Then she was watching some tv show and made a great sexual comment that took me by surprise and I told her, good one and she was smiling for quite the while.

I would say, since our talk, she has started to open up to the possibility of toys, dirty sex comment now and then, no pushing me away when I give her oral, and we've had sex 4x in the last 9 days. She has told me her naturopath is on holidays but is back by the end of February and will make the appointment for the vaginal shot and has ordered those books on bettering our sex lives and communication. Things are looking good I'd say.:smthumbup:


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## 2ofus (Dec 25, 2012)

:yay:

I'm happy for you


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