# Separation it is..



## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

Hey guys....things have been rough and hard and not exactly what I was hoping for.

We went to see the counselor Tuesday night and its didnt help much but it definately cleared the sky and made it very clear for us to see that a separation is the best thing to do right now. Either way, wheather its the first step toward divorce or towards working things out, we have to do it. Its been extremely hard but at the same time I have mixed feelings about it, in the way that maybe this is a time for me to open my eyes and see that there is life without him, I can live without him and possibly be happy without him. I am trying to be positive and not loose it and stay strong for our son.

He is currently looking for a place to live and we are working on the financials, which he agreed to help me with. Last night we spoke and we both agreed that the longer he stays the more hope it gives me that things will work out and its not healthy, we also think that the longer he's there the worse things get because I constantly want to talk about things and he just gets more and more fed up. I cry every night becase I cant picture him not being there, not being next to me in the bed, not seeing him get ready for work in the am or getting home from work. I don't know how to deal with it all especially once he is gone, I am trying to hold on to every second that he's still in the house...

He kept telling me last night that maybe this will be the best thing that can happen to us and that not to look at it that its a 100% that its the begining for divorce but that there is a 50/50 chance. When he says those things I always take it as 2 good of a sign, I always think that he is already changing his mind...I wish I wouldnt but I cant help it...I dont want to be without him.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

????
who made the decision to separate? you? him? the therapist?

things sounded awfully hopeful last time you posted.


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

voivod said:


> ????
> who made the decision to separate? you? him? the therapist?
> 
> things sounded awfully hopeful last time you posted.


well the therapist did not tell its what we should do but he spoke more about a separation/divorce then working things out, I guess the decision was made by both of us. I dont want a separation or any of it but I know that we cant live the way we are. He does not want to continue hurting me and by him being there knowing he doesnt want to is torture and will only make things worse in the longrun. He said last night that this is almost like a prevention for things not to get so bad that we hate eachother and constantly fight and just want out. I dont know if that means that he wants to work things out or just wants to make sure that we have at least our friendship left eventually. He said he wants us to be able to work and talk about things as civil people. He does not want a divorce, he does not want to go to court or fight over stuff. He wants a separation because he feels that with time it would give him the answer if he wanst to stay in the marriage or not.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

kuki said:


> well the therapist did not tell its what we should do but he spoke more about a separation/divorce then working things out, I guess the decision was made by both of us. I dont want a separation or any of it but I know that we cant live the way we are. He does not want to continue hurting me and by him being there knowing he doesnt want to is torture and will only make things worse in the longrun. He said last night that this is almost like a prevention for things not to get so bad that we hate eachother and constantly fight and just want out. I dont know if that means that he wants to work things out or just wants to make sure that we have at least our friendship left eventually. He said he wants us to be able to work and talk about things as civil people. He does not want a divorce, he does not want to go to court or fight over stuff. He wants a separation because he feels that with time it would give him the answer if he wanst to stay in the marriage or not.


sit down and set some parameters. how long the separation is for; dating others, yes or no; contact with each other, when & why.

hopefully this will not spin out of control. personally i don't think separation should be for giving you a chance to see other people. this should be a time for you both to be working on the "you" side of the issues you've had.

i'm no expert, but those are my opinions. good luck, sincerely.


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it. Its great to hear someone else's outlook or opinion on it.

We did talk about some things. We spoke about the dating thing, he said definately not at first but if theres someone I want to date dont hold back. We have worked most of the financials out and we want to give it some time to see which direction its going before we make a decision on when is the time that we say, OK, we are getting a divorce or that we are getting back together. I asked about seeing eachother beside the times he is picking or dropping off our son and he said he doesnt know, he wants to see how he feels about things first, I guess he wants to see if he's gonna want to c me as a date. 

I don't know if Im doing the right thing by being so flexible with things but I feel if Im to firm or set ultimatums its only going to make things worse. He did say to give it some time and see how we feel and then we will talk about it or it might just so very obvious which way are things going. I hope I am not making a mistake by agreeing with him.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

kuki said:


> Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it. Its great to hear someone else's outlook or opinion on it.
> 
> We did talk about some things. We spoke about the dating thing, he said definately not at first but if theres someone I want to date dont hold back. We have worked most of the financials out and we want to give it some time to see which direction its going before we make a decision on when is the time that we say, OK, we are getting a divorce or that we are getting back together. I asked about seeing eachother beside the times he is picking or dropping off our son and he said he doesnt know, he wants to see how he feels about things first, I guess he wants to see if he's gonna want to c me as a date.
> 
> I don't know if Im doing the right thing by being so flexible with things but I feel if Im to firm or set ultimatums its only going to make things worse. He did say to give it some time and see how we feel and then we will talk about it or it might just so very obvious which way are things going. I hope I am not making a mistake by agreeing with him.


well, look at it this way: he can't fault you down the road for "controlling" him. i mean, he's gonna do what he's gonna do.
i sincerely hope this works out for you. don't be afraid to work with another counselor if you aren't comfortable with this one.

and while you're at it, ask your counselor this question: "i want this therapy to succeed. i assume you do too. what do you consider success?" if you aren't comfortable with the answer, maybe another therapist is in order.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Will a therapist actually advise for or against a seperation or divorce? I didn't think that was part of their job..but then again I have never seen one in action.

Anyways Kuki, I am so sorry to hear it came to this. It can't be easy ecspecially with a young child involved. I really do hope things work out for the best as I am sure they will.


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

Sprite said:


> Will a therapist actually advise for or against a seperation or divorce? I didn't think that was part of their job..but then again I have never seen one in action.
> 
> Anyways Kuki, I am so sorry to hear it came to this. It can't be easy ecspecially with a young child involved. I really do hope things work out for the best as I am sure they will.


Thank you. The therapist didnt exactly say we should separte but it made it very clear that it was the right thing to do. In a way I would be stupid to want to stay in this relationship knowing he wants out.

Last night was the first night with him sleeping on the couch, it was starting to feel way to akward to sleep in the same bed with him, even though ever since all this started we had more sex then all thru the yr put together. We kinda tease eachother when we fight and when I break down crying its almost guaranteed it ends up with us having sex. Strange, not even sure how to take that. He just says he cant see me upset like that so he starts hugging me and kissing me and calming me down and there u go. During sex he always says he knows once he's gone I'm still gonna have sex with him and I keep telling him it wont happen.

Anyhow, I am starting to really believe that a separation is best for both of us. I dont want to deny it, I think it can do some good either way. I also saw a text message of his to one of our friends whom he asked if he knows a cheap rental and our friend asked him if he's getting kicked out. His response was , No, we will just try and separate for a while and see what happens. I am starting to trust and believe that some time and space is really what he needs. There are lot of things going on with the house and things and he might need to get aways from it all but then again, do not want to have my hopes up because he did make it very clear he's been feeling this way for a long time and I dont want to make the same mistakes as I've been for yrs and seeing things how I want to see them not for what they really are.

I am actually going back to the therapist alone tomorrow night in the hopes it will make it easier for me to deal with all this.

Thanks for all advide and support.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

kuki said:


> We kinda tease eachother when we fight and when I break down crying its almost guaranteed it ends up with us having sex. Strange, not even sure how to take that. He just says he cant see me upset like that so he starts hugging me and kissing me and calming me down and there u go. During sex he always says he knows once he's gone I'm still gonna have sex with him and I keep telling him it wont happen.
> 
> I am actually going back to the therapist alone tomorrow night in the hopes it will make it easier for me to deal with all this.


pavlovian, the crying leads to sex thing "and there you go." i'd be interested to find out what your therapist would say about that. not really, because he/she would find a way to really complicate your feelings. gotta get paid y'know.


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

voivod said:


> pavlovian, the crying leads to sex thing "and there you go." i'd be interested to find out what your therapist would say about that. not really, because he/she would find a way to really complicate your feelings. gotta get paid y'know.



The crying leading to sex thing was one of the reasons why I said no more sleeping in the same bed. Sunday night it ended up with sex and i wasnt even crying but when it happened, he said he already knew it would. That kind of pissed me off and decided he has enough control over my feelings and I dont want to feel like he can control every decision I make because he knows me so well.

I am definately looking forward to seeing the therapist tomorrow night.


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

hey everyone...how are you all doing?

I need some opinions, Im more confused then ever. Is he changing his mind? Last night we were talking, I emailed him a few apartments within his budget that he could rent. When I got home, he was already home and he was looking at them then he said to me, I think Im just gonna go to my brothers (which I suggested to begin with but wasnt to sure it was a good idea to involve them,etc). Anyway, I asked him why, then he said because he doesnt want to rent an apartment on his own unless we know for sure we arent getting back together and that we dont really know how long this separation could take, he could change his mind 3 days later or a week later and he doesnt want to get into a lease or anything and not be able to leave.

On one hand I got happy and told him, even if you would tell me now that u want to work things out, I still want u to move out and told him that his confidence that he thinks that I would take him back pretty much at any time because of our son, is not true and that I won't be to quick to be jumping back into things. I also told him that I've been starting to feel more like Im not gonna want to have much to do with him except about our son and if I reach that point I know that I wont want him back. I said its not a threat but I know how I am and if I get to the point to where I dont care for him, I wont wan thim back. So he said he knows and that he doesnt want to put a time limit on the separation, he just wants to take some time apart and see how he feels.

Again, I am more confused then ever because Im starting to feel like he's already changing his mind. Am I wrong for thinking that?Is that what u would take out of it ?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

sounds like he doesn't want to commit to a life without you. is that a good thing?


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

voivod said:


> sounds like he doesn't want to commit to a life without you. is that a good thing?


If that's the case its a good thing but I am not sure it is. I guess this is one of those things that only time will tell.


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

Today is going to be the second day he's gone. He packed most of his stuff Sunday and Monday he left for work from home but did not come home anymore. I managed not to contact him all day yesterday and then last night I cracked. I sent him a pic of our son, an hour later when I got no response I text him saying, nice to see you care how your son's day was and from then one I kept going on. He kept saying, calm down, stop looking at this as its the end and that if I keep looking at it that way then it will be the end. I kept going on, how I dont even know who he is anymore, I feel like I dont even know him and that we are supposed to work through our tough times together as a family not separated. I am upset with myself for contacting him at all, I should've let him be. He said this is only the first day, give it a few days and calm down.

He wants to come see our son tonight, I dont know what to do, I want to tell him not to come and wait until Thursday because he's coming over Thursday for Thanksgiving. I know he's going to say, he cant wait that long but I think it would be best.

I dont know how to stay away from contacting him, evey minute I look at my phone and want to text him. I hate this feeling, I am so strong at times and then other times I cant help it.


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## Melancholy (Nov 15, 2008)

If it makes you feel any better I have been out of my wife's house ( I even call it "her house" now) since 10-28-08. I practically sleep with my cell phone in my hand and pray constantly all day long that she will text me something like "I love you so much, come home and let's make up for some lost time".... but it hasn't happened.

I think you need to switch up your communication style you use with your husband. My wife uses the same with me and it has really caused me a lot of resentment issues. You use what I call negative reinforcement to get results from your husband. When you do this, he has already been tried and convicted of doing the wrong thing and the only thing you have left him with is carrying out the sentence. Try being more encouraging and positive with him. A guy will work harder to get more compliments from a woman he loves compared to doing chores and fulfilling obligations to a nag who has repeatedly told him he is a terrible person. Doing things just to prevent yourself form being yelled at can only carry you for so long.


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

Melancholy said:


> If it makes you feel any better I have been out of my wife's house ( I even call it "her house" now) since 10-28-08. I practically sleep with my cell phone in my hand and pray constantly all day long that she will text me something like "I love you so much, come home and let's make up for some lost time".... but it hasn't happened.
> 
> I think you need to switch up your communication style you use with your husband. My wife uses the same with me and it has really caused me a lot of resentment issues. You use what I call negative reinforcement to get results from your husband. When you do this, he has already been tried and convicted of doing the wrong thing and the only thing you have left him with is carrying out the sentence. Try being more encouraging and positive with him. A guy will work harder to get more compliments from a woman he loves compared to doing chores and fulfilling obligations to a nag who has repeatedly told him he is a terrible person. Doing things just to prevent yourself form being yelled at can only carry you for so long.



Thanks a lot. You have some good points and I undertand that being positive will be better then being negative. I guess its just had to be positive with all the pain.

Today is worse then yesterday, I feel like an addict going thru withdrawl, I miss him so much but promise myself not to contact him because it always turns into an argument because of all the anger I have inside me, its hard to hold back. Yesterday he wanted to come see our son and just the thought of him coming over was killing me and I knew that even if I wouldve left while he was there it still wouldve been bad, so I told him not to come and that we will see him on Thrursday. He was upset I think but he said he will respect my decision. Later on I had to contact him about something else that the contractor doing the work on our apartment needed and then I just said to him to not to take me not wanting him to come see our son last night as that Im trying to keep him away from him and he said he doesnt and I said ok, just want to make that clear and that was it. This was yesterday afternoon. Ive been so tempted to text him or call him but I wont.

Today is just really bad, im at work but all I want to do is cry cry cry..I miss him like crazy but I know he needs this time and I do to. I just never thought the man I spend 8 yrs of my life would just walk out one day.


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## Melancholy (Nov 15, 2008)

Kuki,

You still have some resentment and anger towards your husband. I know how frustrating things can get and how easy it is to retaliate against someone who is hurting you. Unfortunately anger doesn't help resolve any marriage issues. I think you need to find a way to communicate with your husband, more specifically, how to communicate with him the things that are causing you frustration as opposed to just blurting mean things out in an attempt to get back at him.

Next time your husband does something that angers or frustrates you come straight out and tell him very civily how you feel in result of his action. (I learned this from people on this forum ->) Use "I feel" statements as opposed to "you" statements. When you say "I feel frustrated when you do xyz" it is much less confrontational than "You frustrate me when you xyz".

I know what you are going through, I still feel very dependent on my wife for happiness. I finally got a job 2 days ago after 10 months of unemployment and I had no one to share my short lived excitement with but myself. I was hopeful that this was a major part of the reason she booted me, but an invitation back home still hasn't come.


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

Thanks so much. Its great advice and I will try and do that next time I want to say something confrontational.

Right now Im still nervous about seeing him tomorrow becuse the only way I can be around him is either if Im very upset and crying or im angry with him. I dont want to make things worse before they have a chance of getting better, I am just having a really hard time accepting where things are.

Hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving and the text message or phone call you are waiting for from your wife will come sooner then later, also congrats on the job. Wish you all the best.


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

Hello everyone. Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving.

Its been a week today that he moved out and its been an extremely rough one for me. I have flipped on him a couple of times since then because I found out that he went out with his friends. I got upset because I thought he was using the time away so he can think about our situation and eventually figure out if he wants to work things out or not and when I found out that he was going out, I got very upset and started texting him all different mean things to him and about how hurt I am, etc. Last time I spoke to him was Saturday, I stopped by him and he came in the car and we talked, well I talked and cried and screamed and cried and he had no reaction. He said the only thing he thinks about day and night is our son, so I said what about us, what about me, the one u had an 8 yr relationship with, do u feel any different. He said, no he still feels the same as when he left a week ago and that by my flippin out every time he goes out only makes things worse and he does not see how I see him going out as a bad thing. He says Im only upset because I can't control the situation and dont know what else to do so I flip. It is most likely partially true, except I feel like I cant just sit back and wait until he makes up his mind if he wants to work things out, while im going crazy.

I told him that I will not bother him any longer until I hear from him when he makes a decision, unless I made a decision that I do not want to work things out any longer, which is a possibility. The longer it goes on the more Im getting pushed away and the more I think that he will never change and if he comes back it will be for our son not me. He thinks that I would take him back knowing that but that is very untrue. I told him Ive taken enough neglect and rejection from him and I would never want to live the rest of my life like that. Anyway...its Monday now and he will probably be wanting to come see our son tonight or the latest tomorrow, I will try my hardest not to be around and even if I am to just let things be.

Thanks for listening


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Kuki, I know this must be hard on you. But, him going out with his friends does not mean he isnt working on how he feels. Im my opinion you don't really have any reason to get upset about this. I think you are upset because he is spending time with other people and not you. You should do the same thing...get the girls together and go out for a night...it will help you focus on something other than him. If you don't want to go out with your friends..go by yourself..go to a movie or shopping or something.

If you keep getting so emotional when ever you see him, he is going to end up feeling a sense of relief when he is by himself. Find your strength girl..I know you have it! Do you have any hobbies? Or is there anything you always wanted to do or try but felt you could not because you were married and have a child? If so..then by all means go do it!! Find something to occupy your time and your brain so you dont always think about him. 

If you both have personal issues that need some work, you need the time apart to work on it.

My suggestion....and it sounds like this will be really hard for you to do...but try not even mentioning the relationship to him next time you see him. Try to not have any expectations about your next meeting. There are so many things in life we can not control...but only you have the ability to control yourself and your reaction to situations. You are going to keep making yourself crazy if you cant stop thinking only about him and your situation. Try to find something that makes you happy that does not involve him. Even if it is only for a half hour at a time...it will help you...and eventually that half hour will become longer and longer.

You said you have taken enough neglect and rejection from him and you dont want to live the rest of your life like that....is that from the 8 years of marriage or since the seperation?

Now you just have to stick with what you said when you told him you "will not bother him again..." and I know its easier said than done...but stick to it!

Have you set up a schedule when he gets to come visit his son or does he just call and show up when he wants to? I think you need to set up a schedule to give yourself peace of mind and allow you to schedule things to do for YOU!!


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

Thanks so much Sprite.

I have asked him to pick a schedule for when he wants to see his son since before he was even moved out, he doesnt want to. Saturday night when I spoke to him, I said pick 3 days u want to see him out of the week, he looked at me like i lost my mind. I am not going to contact him either, he will have to contact me whenever he wants to see our son. Last night he said if I want, when I get home with our son ( I took him to his first theater play) to let him know so he can come see him but I did no contact him. If he wants to see him, he can contact me, I am not going to make it easier for him.

The neglect and rejection I was talking about is pretty much throught the 8 yrs of us being together, from which 2 are married. He was never an affectionate, emotional person at all and now he's shut down completely on the emotional side except when its about our son. The therapist told me hiself, that I would probably waste my life on him. I am going back to the therapist Wed. so Im hoping that will help some.

Thanks again for listening and for ur advice, I really appreciate it.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

kuki said:


> The therapist told me hiself, that I would probably waste my life on him. I am going back to the therapist Wed. so Im hoping that will help some.


have you told this therapist that your wish is to reconcile this marriage? is this the same one who told you separation was the right thing to do? just wondering.


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

voivod said:


> have you told this therapist that your wish is to reconcile this marriage? is this the same one who told you separation was the right thing to do? just wondering.


Actually yes, its the same one. I did tell him that I want things to be better but that I dont want to deal with this again and if he thinks theres a chance it would happen again. He said almost definately it will unless my H decides to go thru lots of therapy himself. The T also told me that he sees a bright future for me just not with my H.

He has not said much that was positive or what I was hoping to hear from him and my H the one time that we did go was not impressed with him. He said that all he was focused on was for us to separate/divorce and not enough about how we can work on things.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

kuki said:


> Actually yes, its the same one.


i kinda figured. why are you still seeing this therapist?




kuki said:


> He said that all he was focused on was for us to separate/divorce and not enough about how we can work on things.


he SAID he was focused on separation/divorce. that dude would be fired. imagime if he was a plastic surgeon. you were going in to have elective surgery on your nose. that's what you wanted "improved." and he started carving on your nose. how would you feel about that. because therapy is selective/elective. i'm flabbergasted. i'd love for a therapist to ring in on this thread and tell us why they would try to force a resolution that was unwanted by the client.


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

In fairness to the therapist, when we went to c him with my H, my H was very negative. He said that this is how who he is and doesnt feel that he will change nor does he want to and that he is a loaner and does not need people in his life. All he cares about is his son and everyone else he does not really care about.

So the therapist at that point didnt think the my H was willing to work on things thats y he figured that it would be a waste of my time to bother I assume. But you could be right . I will see how I feel after Wednesdays session and if I feel its not guiding me the right direction I will most likely go to another one or forget about it all together.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

kuki said:


> In fairness to the therapist, when we went to c him with my H, my H was very negative. He said that this is how who he is and doesnt feel that he will change nor does he want to and that he is a loaner and does not need people in his life. All he cares about is his son and everyone else he does not really care about.
> 
> So the therapist at that point didnt think the my H was willing to work on things thats y he figured that it would be a waste of my time to bother I assume. But you could be right . I will see how I feel after Wednesdays session and if I feel its not guiding me the right direction I will most likely go to another one or forget about it all together.


has this "therapist" suggested that he just see your husband at least a time or two? might be good for the therapist to actually look at his work, dontcha think? because the husband is obviously the one that has to be gotten to. in fact, i don't know how your therapist came to his wonderful conclusions based upon your husband's "negativity" towards the therapist or the process. that is not terribly uncommon.


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

thats true. The T just simply said that if we wish to go back to see him either as a couple or individuals we can. He did not push it at all. He only told me when I went back alone that my H needs to c someone and only that might help him.

He also said that my H was expecting a certain reaction or advice from the therapist but he wasnt giving into it. He said my H kinda was waiting for the therapist to say if u do this that it will work and for then my H to say its not going to work because of this and that. You know what I mean. The T said, if he wouldve been a younger therapist then maybe he wouldve played that game with him but he says he wasnt going to do that.

At this point im really not sure what to do. I am just going to let things be and not contact him at all as hard as it it. He is the one that has to contact me if he wants to see his son. He has not seen him since Friday and thought I would hear from him by now, its almost 5pm and has not heard from him, so I guess he wont be seeing him today either.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

kuki said:


> thats true. The T just simply said that if we wish to go back to see him either as a couple or individuals we can. He did not push it at all. He only told me when I went back alone that my H needs to c someone and only that might help him.


that may be true.


kuki said:


> He also said that my H was expecting a certain reaction or advice from the therapist but he wasnt giving into it. He said my H kinda was waiting for the therapist to say if u do this that it will work and for then my H to say its not going to work because of this and that. You know what I mean. The T said, if he wouldve been a younger therapist then maybe he wouldve played that game with him but he says he wasnt going to do that.


your husband is setting himself up as a self-fulfilling prophet. i think i understand. so what. compared to what the therapist sees all day, every day, i'm surprised he didn't feel "up to the task."


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

Yea Im not sure why he decided to handle things the way he did, like I said before it could be the negativitiy in my H, he said it himself that the only reason he was there is because I told him if he doesnt show, it means he doesnt want to work things out at all and I would file for divorce shortly after, so he wasnt actually there to improve things.

Anyhow, today seems to be a better day for me. I am starting to build up a lot of resentment and anger towards him, I know its not the greatest thing but I at least feel better. I feel that after all, he does not deserve me or his son, we gave him a great life in many aspects and he did not appreciate any of it. He hasnt contacted me about coming to see his son and last time he saw him was Friday. When I spoke to him Saturday night he said his son is the only thing he thinks about 24/7 and misses him every minute of it. Now that its his turn to contact me so he can come see him, I guess its 2 much work on his part. I also know he works long hours, he's a UPS guy and this is the busiest times for them, so I know he must be not getting home until 8-9pm these days but the least he could do is send me a text asking how he's doing or saying, ive been stock at work or can I stop by for 10min on my way home to see him. Oh well. These are the things now that make me say, screw him...


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

Kuki, I am going through the exact same thing, except my husband had an emotional affair for ove a month and then asked for divorce saying he hasn't been happy for months. We are going to a therapist Thursday and I am still holding out a glimmer of hope that we can make it work. He is looing at apartments and has already made up his mind. Hopefully once were gone he'll see what he's lost.

He's a great guy, but I never thought he would give up with a greater fight. I guess I was wrong.

Good luck and hopefully he'll find his way back to you. If not take this opportunity to find yourself.


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

MOM2BELLA said:


> Kuki, I am going through the exact same thing, except my husband had an emotional affair for ove a month and then asked for divorce saying he hasn't been happy for months. We are going to a therapist Thursday and I am still holding out a glimmer of hope that we can make it work. He is looing at apartments and has already made up his mind. Hopefully once were gone he'll see what he's lost.
> 
> He's a great guy, but I never thought he would give up with a greater fight. I guess I was wrong.
> 
> Good luck and hopefully he'll find his way back to you. If not take this opportunity to find yourself.



Hi there...sorry to hear you're going thru these hard times as well. It's definately not easy and every day I think it's going to be easier and while some days are other days are harder then ever. From your name, i assume you also have a child, how old? Through this whole thing, thats what upsets me the most that he was ok to just leaving knowing his son worships him. I had to change him coming to see our son every other day instead of just 3 days a week because our son was going crazy every time he would come to see him and I felt he needed to see him a little more at least for the time being. I dont want to mess my little one up, if you know what I mean. It also sux that the holidays are around the corner, I dont even know what to do, how to handle it. My H's sister keeps telling me to let him stay over Xmas eve, so Xmas morning he can wake up next to his kid and if that doesnt break him nothing will. I highly doubt anything will break this man, in my eyes he's made up his mind and is pushing me away until I'm the one that does his dirty work and file for divorce, so he doesnt have to do it. After all he is used to me doing everything for him.

How long have u been together, how long married?


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

We've been together for almost 10 years and married for 3 years. We have an 11 month old daughter. He says he has been talking to this other woman for 3 months on the phone. She has already told him she loves him. Christmas was really hard he came over in the morning to open presents and then left in 2 hours. He said that I MADE him feel uncomfortable. I still love him so much and would try to make it work if he wanted, but he clearly doesn't he ha moved on and all his love for me is gone. But, I don't have the strength to move on. Not just yet.


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

MOM2BELLA said:


> We've been together for almost 10 years and married for 3 years. We have an 11 month old daughter. He says he has been talking to this other woman for 3 months on the phone. She has already told him she loves him. Christmas was really hard he came over in the morning to open presents and then left in 2 hours. He said that I MADE him feel uncomfortable. I still love him so much and would try to make it work if he wanted, but he clearly doesn't he ha moved on and all his love for me is gone. But, I don't have the strength to move on. Not just yet.


OMG I am so so sorry you are going thru this. It is definately one of the hardest things Ive ever dealt with myself and the Holidays were extremely hard. I hope you still found a way to enjoy Christmas with your prescious little girl. I also know it must be hard for you to let him go and move on because you still love him. I am in the same situation. As much as I know the right thing to do is let him go and move on, I just simply cant, not yet. I have mentioned divorce to him a few times now out of frustration and anger, last night actually he asked me to do him a favor and not rush into it and give it a little more time. That gave me some comfort but at the same time it annoys me that he thinks I can sit around for months waiting to see if he wants to come back into our lives. 

I am sorry that your H has someone else, its very unfortuate how they can just leave their families behind for a new fling. My H swears there is no one else and I happen to believe him but sometimes I just cant help to wonder and while it would be hurrable if there would be someone else at least I would know the reason why he walked away.

They say time will heal and in my heart I know its true and it does get easier. How long ago did this happen?


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