# Starting over, and honestly I'm horrified.



## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

If you check out my other thread, I got my closure last week confirming what my gut had been telling me all along about my wife's A. It's been hard and depressing, the only light I really see is hope in finding someone else, someone normal.
I've been checked out for awhile and am past the pain for the most part. I know we're supposed to be confident moving forward but I am honestly horrified to be looking at the dating scene again....looking forward I know I am not ready yet....thinking 2014......we still have a house to sell and paperwork to finalize.
I've got a good job making about 20% more than average family income in our area on my own, but live in a town that is a college and retiree town with a lot of out of state implants. At 37 years old it's a single dad's nightmare as its slim pickings out there. I can't believe I'm here with 10 years of my life gone.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Try being 53 and on your own! 
37 is not old, take it one day at a time. 
Be happy you see your kids, many of us don't.
You don't need a lot of women, just one good one, and you are wise to wait until you get the paperwork done first.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

badcompany said:


> I am honestly horrified to be looking at the dating scene again....


Normal. One cannot even begin to fathom dating again after getting sucker punched int he throat/stomach by a pendin divorce/betrayal. It is THE WORST feeling ever. So it's quite all right and par for the course to feel how you are feeling right now (and will keep feeling this way for some time).

You do not have to date. Feel your feelings. Grieve. Wrap up what you need to as far as the divorce and paperwork goes. Take time to live life as a single, a new identity (sans marriage) Slowly but surely you will get there...

And congrats on the new job, Mr. 20% more. That is awesome! Don't focus on "slim pickin's" right now. Focus on YOU and how to start feeling better. 

I personally would love to live in a retiree town but it's because I love old people and think they make the best neighbors. It would be my dream come true.

Hang in there, buddy. You're gonna be fine!


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Lol thanks, but it's not a new job it's the same one I've been at for almost 6 years. I was just pointing out I'm not a financial deadbeat.
I agree with living life as a single for a bit, part of me wants to just do what I do and if someone comes along great.....but I could easily do this and realize another 5 years has passed.
I'm not so much for the retiree thing, they drive terrible and like getting up at 7am on Saturdays to mow the lawn. Our neighborhood is full of working class and no one stirs on a Saturday until 9am at least
My neighbor also mows my lawn with his rider for a 12pk of IPA each month....can't beat that.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

BC, I live in a college town, too, and it does have its difficulties with a 'transient' population. I was talking about this with a friend a few weeks ago, in fact. You might find that you make friends (same- or opposite-sex) who are just for the present time. For us, it meant a change in how we 'do' friendships. You learn to live more for the moment, and not put off opportunities. In a way, that's not a bad thing, when you're just starting over. It's easy to be stuck in that fear and let yourself become isolated. For me, it wasn't even dating, but just socializing on my own. 

But on the other hand, being in a college town can be great for finding things to do. Don't worry about dating right now. Look at getting yourself out there and just meeting people. Get involved in your kids' school activities. Try maybe taking a class at the college or taking advantage of going to performances or games on campus. 37 isn't that old, BC. Heck, my ex met his posOW-now-fiancee while they were in grad school together, and he's only 2 years younger than you are.  

Work on your confidence in non-dating settings, first. Become OK with yourself before you look for someone new. When you are whole and healthy and happy, you will just naturally be attractive.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

badcompany said:


> the retiree thing, they drive terrible and like getting up at 7am on Saturdays to mow the lawn. Our neighborhood is full of working class and no one stirs on a Saturday until 9am at least
> My neighbor also mows my lawn with his rider for a 12pk of IPA each month....can't beat that.


Sounds like perfection. I think I am an old woman trapped in my body. I am up at the crack of dawn even on the days I don't work. When I hit the gym on the weekend, the only people in there with me are the old retirees. We're friends! Hahahaha.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> When you are whole and healthy and happy, you will just naturally be attractive.


:iagree:


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I felt the same way when I separated from STBXH BUT since I've put myself out there it's been awesome. 

I'm not looking for anything serious so I think that's made it easier. When you are ready, you just know. Start working on yourself - working out, new clothes, hair, etc. You'll feel like a million bucks and people will notice. 

I heard so many horror stories about first dates/sexual experiences post-D and have not personally found that to be the case.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I am up at the crack of dawn even on the days I don't work.


Come 3 time zones west and we'll see how you do haha
We're almost ready to list the house. If it goes great if not I may occupy it while she gets another place. It's more than I want to spend monthly on my own but it won't break me. 
Heck I'll have 2 rooms I could rent out to some female college girls:awink:


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

badcompany said:


> If you check out my other thread, I got my closure last week confirming what my gut had been telling me all along about my wife's A. It's been hard and depressing, the only light I really see is hope in finding someone else, someone normal.
> I've been checked out for awhile and am past the pain for the most part. I know we're supposed to be confident moving forward but I am honestly horrified to be looking at the dating scene again....looking forward I know I am not ready yet....thinking 2014......we still have a house to sell and paperwork to finalize.
> I've got a good job making about 20% more than average family income in our area on my own, but live in a town that is a college and retiree town with a lot of out of state implants. At 37 years old it's a single dad's nightmare as its slim pickings out there. I can't believe I'm here with 10 years of my life gone.


I'm here too, at 46 yo and 13 years of my life gone.

It gets better...


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

Be careful when looking for another woman to help solve your problems. After being in a difficult relationship, with someone who may have a personality disorder, a person's self-esteem and abilities to make sound decisions and choices when it comes to people are greatly altered and not for the better.

Until you take time to heal and look at your own choice making skills, you may find yourself continuing the pattern.

37 is YOUNG!


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

badcompany said:


> At 37 years old it's a single dad's nightmare as its slim pickings out there.


This statement is so, so wrong. 

Don't worry, you're going to be fine.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I'd love to be 37 years again. I'm 50 and wasted half my life in a bad marriage but I try not think about it. In a few years I will be in a position to change my life substantially and that's what I plan to do. You can only make the best of the time that's left for you. Regretting the past is pointless and will just waste more time. 

Onward and upward! Don't rush to get into a new relationship. I don't know why people do that.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

I think there is a tendency with many women to believe that a "man" will solve their problems, the knight in shining armor syndrome. It would now appear that many men also have similar thoughts and think another woman will solve their problems.

What about bringing you MORE problems like the current or soon to be former female did? 

I advise getting stronger and more independent before trying to get another person to solve your dilemma.

That said, my friend had a man who came in, took care of her and her kids, helped her legally get rid of herself of the deadbeat. They got married and lived more or less happily ever after and when her kids were adults they had the man "adopt" them symbolically. So who knows.


You can't push or rush it however, you have to relax and see where the universe takes you badcompany. If you rush it, you are prone to being back to square A.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

2galsmom said:


> I think there is a tendency with many women to believe that a "man" will solve their problems, the knight in shining armor syndrome. It would now appear that many men also have similar thoughts and think another woman will solve their problems.
> 
> What about bringing you MORE problems like the current or soon to be former female did?
> 
> I advise getting stronger and more independent before trying to get another person to solve your dilemma.


I see it all the time on both sides of the aisle. The ink is barely dry on the divorce settlement and they are off to the races again, signing up for dating sites, looking for that next "fix" and hoping and praying that the next person will be "the one". Out of the frying pan into the fire in most cases. 

I have a friend who came off a horrible marriage where she was abused physically and emotionally and she said to me "I want a man to take care of me". My reply was : "How about taking care of yourself?" IMO there's no greater freedom or accomplishment than being able to do just that. 

Meanwhile everyone who gets divorced say how great is to be single again and how much fun they are having. Then they get that relationship and moan and groan about the ball and chain. So why not be content to remain single? :scratchhead:

For me, the state of being married was the problem. I hated it. I hated being tied down and nagged at. I hated having to answer to someone else, to worry about them and worry about how my actions affected them. It's a huge weight to no longer have that. 

Yes, I get lonely and horny at times, and occasionally would enjoy someone else's company. But I'd also love to not have to worry about paying my rent or my bills and you don't see me signing up to be someone's slave.  For everything you do in life, there is a price to pay.


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## death and taxes (Jul 6, 2012)

Go enjoy a rebound or three. I'm a year post-separation, ten months post-divorce. I've had my share of rebounds and fun. I'm 35, you're not much older. Age is just a number. Find some friends. Hang out. Date. Whatever.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

badcompany said:


> Come 3 time zones west and we'll see how you do haha
> We're almost ready to list the house. If it goes great if not I may occupy it while she gets another place. It's more than I want to spend monthly on my own but it won't break me.
> Heck I'll have 2 rooms I could rent out to some female college girls:awink:



l could rent out some rooms , wish l bloody could though. l'd like some company and sure need the money.
Problem is l want the house free for me and my d on holidays and wk ends. lt's already hard enough for her living like this hell l don't want us crowded or uncomfortable too.
Besides we often stay up all or most of the night , she has heaps of friends over staying to in spats v, l tell her all the time this is her home.
So l just can't figure a way of sharing to work with that.
l mean whos gonna need a wk day only share house ?
And then what about all the long wk ends , holidays , she stays on her sick days too because l work from home , just can't think of a way round all that.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Rebound....I don't think so that's not for me. 
I've wrote this before, but with the EA's and the "lets separate and stay for the kids" I got in February, I'm looking forward to moving on. The amount of crap I've put up with and how much I bring to the table that was taken for granted amazes me.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Dude 37 is great age.. 

Single woman in their 30s are at that point where they are now looking to make that serious long term commitment. 

So at 37 you can go 28 and up without any crazy issues.. 

At 46 I wish I could accept a long term relationship with a 30 year old woman.. Just not gonna happen no matter how sexy I might be.. 

I've dated a few.. All I can tell you it is EASY.. The first one was hard and nerve wracking.. But after 20 minutes it was cruise control. Again take it from a guy who pretty much was set up with every woman he has been with all his life.. I was either setup or woman had to ask me out.. I was that slow on the uptake. 

Today I am with a wonderful woman who is CRAZY over me.. Trust me I love the attention. She loves me and I can see it in her face when we are together.. 

She was afraid of smothering me with attention and wanted to back off. I told her no, its what I exactly need right now.. 

Its a great feeling to have someone love you again and be happy with you. She knows my situation and knows I am gun shy.. But I love her and appreciate her more because of how she feels and open she is with me. Its awe inspiring to feel wanted like this.. 

Trust me you will bring so much to the next relationship you will be surprised.. Just understanding what it is to be a parent will open up more dating doors for you.. 

The current GF always commends me on being a full time dad and any woman I met or spoke with in the past ( I don't multidate ) always was shocked I was a full time dad.. It was instant brownie points.. 

Dude, 11 months ago I wanted to die, and I mean fvcking die.. 
Today I have to beat woman with a stick to get them away from me. 

All I can tell you I come at them straight and serious as a heart attack. I don't think women today are used to that. They are so used to and are expecting some line of sh1t, that when I tell them straight out it tosses them for a loop.

I can't wait when your 10 months go by and you are back here posting again.. You will be laughing your a$$ off.

How I wish I was 37 and in my position today.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Well we are listing the house this week. I've gotta pitch some fresh beauty bark into the flower beds and we are ready.
I've been trying to figure out the best route to go getting my own place. I've got a lot of "toys" and I think renting a shop and then getting a minimal place close to work is going to be the best option. Houses with shops rent for far more than our house payment is.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

2galsmom said:


> Well no one likes being taken for granted, but just know this recovery from just a divorce let alone from someone with a PD takes a much longer time than you might expect. Be patient and gentle with yourself.


I understand, there's not a lot to look forward to in the short term.
Putting the house up for sale, how things are going to pan out with our mutual friends, co-parenting the kids..... Probably going to be a sh*ty new years eve (which is also my B-day) this year.
I'm not going to get into the taken for granted part again, it kills me how much I brought to the table with my sweat equity and it was never appreciated.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

badcompany said:


> I understand, there's not a lot to look forward to in the short term.
> Putting the house up for sale, how things are going to pan out with our mutual friends, co-parenting the kids..... Probably going to be a sh*ty new years eve (which is also my B-day) this year.
> I'm not going to get into the taken for granted part again, it kills me how much I brought to the table with my sweat equity and it was never appreciated.


Don't let your NYE be sh!tty -- make plans, have a party, invite people over, heck, invite yourself over to somebody else's house! You are in control of your own experience, and no one else.

Make your own awesome.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

FeministInPink said:


> Don't let your NYE be sh!tty -- make plans, have a party, invite people over, heck, invite yourself over to somebody else's house! You are in control of your own experience, and no one else.
> 
> Make your own awesome.


That's right....I've got a big box of 40mm mortars left over from the 4th


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

2gals, that is one thing that has been working out ok and helps me a lot, I just avoid her. She works evenings 4 on 2 off, and I am M-F 8-5. On the days she is home I find myself "things to do", take kids to visit grandma or my dad, and I have also been busy helping family with my grandfathers stuff after his passing.
I don't feel terribly mentally impacted because I didn't buy into her BS, much thanks to help from TAM here. I wrote it off as PPD x 2 kids but it never ended and just got worse.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hardtohandle said:


> At 46 I wish I could accept a long term relationship with a 30 year old woman.. *Just not gonna happen no matter how sexy I might be.. *


Awesome


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Omg !!! You should be 60!!! I look around to be 40 at the most, and the men my age, they go invisible!!! Sorry ! They do !:-( 
And the men who hit on me, freak when they find out my age and call cougar material. :-( Not meaning this in anyway) , it's just really hard to meet people ... 

~sammy


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