# Torn between soon to be ex husband and boyfriend.



## aopheikens

I can honestly say that Ive never felt more confused in my life. I need some advice. My soon to be ex and I have been separated for almost a year now after being together for 4 years, and having 2 beautiful little boys. We were 18 when we had our first, now were 22. Our relationship had been bad for quite awhile. I was always so depressed, I felt like I was being suffocated and I didn't feel loved at all. Often times it would just be me and my little guys together while my husband was constantly on the computer or on his xbox. I tried many times to get him to spend time with his family and he would get upset. When I finally could get him to, he would act like he didn't want to be there. he had even left me at one point before we married and after our first son was born because he "wanted to know what it was like to be with other girls" but he never ended up doing anything. 

After separating this last time he was supposed to go to therapy with me, but after a month of him not trying again, he told me he didn't want to get back together. At that point I had had enough, I just couldn't go on with the way he made me feel. I wanted a divorce.

5 months later I started dating a guy I had went to school with. We hit it off amazingly. He was great, and honest and liked doing the same things as me and he made me happy and hes great with my boys. Weve been dating 6 months now and he still treats me amazingly, and I honestly do love him.

Lately though I've missed my ex, mostly because he's become a much more responsible and loving father, because hes had to. This is the biggest separation weve ever had and i wonder if maybe he finally did realize what he had...He had tried to get me back when I first started talking to my bf but I had absolutely no desire to be with him. 
He told me he would change and he was sorry and he promised to make me happy but I had heard it all before in the past too and nothing ever changed. I had so much resentment toward him and he had started to cause a lot of drama with my friends and family also. I just couldn't do it, I didn't believe him.
I've seen my boys have a hard time with the separation also and I never imagined that I would ever get a divorce, I just want a happy family and I want what's best for them as well. I also don't know if my new bf is ready for all of this, he says he is but I don't know. 

I just don't know what to do, I don't want to hurt my bf by going back to my ex, especially because I do love him and especially if my ex really hasn't changed. I just want my family back together, but not the way that it had been. and I don't even know if my ex still wants me back either. I've cried so may nights over this. Any advice?


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## Dewayne76

One last try maybe? 

I have a bigger sitch, I mean my wife cheated on me, but after some self reflection, I realized i had neglected my wife, talked bad about her sometimes (Not HORRIBLY but did do it) 

We loved each other, she showed me soooo much more love than I had in the past 2 years. Only because we got on autopilot. 

Now? I've bought every self help book I could afford, seen 2 counselors, watched video after video, taken anger management classes and am changing more and more every day. 

This Divorce I'm going through has flipped my life upside down adn changed my every bad demeanor / trait. 

If he's had this revelation, I'd like to say you should give it another chance, for EVERYONE, yourself included but especially for the boys. I have a 3 yo girl. So this is very important to me to change my old habits and keep up the progress. 

Good luck.


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## Thundarr

I think you're asking to be treated like a doormat if you take him back. If he gets your BF out of the way there's not reason to believe he won't go back to his true nature.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Take your time and leave things the way they are NOW.

1. You don't even know IF your STBXH even WANTS YOU BACK.
2. Your current BF treats you and your sons WELL.
3. You want the fairy-tale life you THINK you COULD/SHOULD have had with STBXH, NOT the cr*ppy REALITY of how your life was (and MAY BE AGAIN).
4. If your STBXH has HONESTLY CHANGED FOR THE BETTER, then he'll STILL BE a better man in the future. If there is anything there IN THE FUTURE, you can always give it another try; maybe even remarry in the future. It's not like you're marrying current BF in the next few months!
5. If your STBXH can't make the changes for the better STICK for the LONG-TERM, then better NOT to put yourself through this cr*ppy relationship AGAIN. Better NOT to get your sons' hopes up for NOTHING.

IF YOU WANT TO GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY WITH YOUR STBXH, then MAKE HIM PROVE HE HAS CHANGED. FOR GOOD. Not for a couple of months, not for the short-term, not to try to win you back, not for any reason OTHER THAN, he needed to be a better man PERIOD. 

He should be a SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER MAN for a YEAR before you EVEN CONSIDER giving him another try. And to throw over a guy who treats you & your sons GREAT because you THINK MAYBE your STBXH is going to be better, and MAYBE he wants you back, and MAYBE if all the stars aligned correctly and the moon turned blue and I won the lotto and he really was better and...and...and...and...

LOOK AT THE REALITY of your situation as it REALLY IS - RIGHT NOW! NOT how you wish it was, or maybe could be, or maybe should have been.


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## RandomDude

I'm not a lady, but I just wanted to say something here... personally I feel that you've given your ex enough chances. He has to realise his mistake, and if he truly wants you back he has to prove himself like others here have mentioned. 

Your new boyfriend however, deserves your full attention, not you thinking about what ifs about your ex. That's just my opinion anyway. Let your ex win your heart if he's truly sincere, but for now, focus on your new boyfriend who has invested in you.


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## sharkeey

aopheikens said:


> Lately though I've missed my ex, mostly because he's become a much more responsible and loving father, because hes had to.


Wrong reason to go back to him. 

He'll be a fine noncustodial parent. 

That's about all he's good for.


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## Anonymous07

aopheikens said:


> I can honestly say that Ive never felt more confused in my life. I need some advice. My soon to be ex and I have been separated for almost a year now after being together for 4 years, and having 2 beautiful little boys. We were 18 when we had our first, now were 22. Our relationship had been bad for quite awhile. I was always so depressed, I felt like I was being suffocated and I didn't feel loved at all. Often times it would just be me and my little guys together while my husband was constantly on the computer or on his xbox. I tried many times to get him to spend time with his family and he would get upset. When I finally could get him to, he would act like he didn't want to be there. he had even left me at one point before we married and after our first son was born because he "wanted to know what it was like to be with other girls" but he never ended up doing anything.
> 
> After separating this last time he was supposed to go to therapy with me, but after a month of him not trying again, he told me he didn't want to get back together. At that point I had had enough, I just couldn't go on with the way he made me feel. I wanted a divorce.
> 
> 5 months later I started dating a guy I had went to school with. We hit it off amazingly. He was great, and honest and liked doing the same things as me and he made me happy and hes great with my boys. Weve been dating 6 months now and he still treats me amazingly, and I honestly do love him.
> 
> Lately though I've missed my ex, mostly because he's become a much more responsible and loving father, because hes had to. This is the biggest separation weve ever had and i wonder if maybe he finally did realize what he had...He had tried to get me back when I first started talking to my bf but I had absolutely no desire to be with him.
> He told me he would change and he was sorry and he promised to make me happy but I had heard it all before in the past too and nothing ever changed. I had so much resentment toward him and he had started to cause a lot of drama with my friends and family also. I just couldn't do it, I didn't believe him.
> I've seen my boys have a hard time with the separation also and I never imagined that I would ever get a divorce, I just want a happy family and I want what's best for them as well. I also don't know if my new bf is ready for all of this, he says he is but I don't know.
> 
> I just don't know what to do, I don't want to hurt my bf by going back to my ex, especially because I do love him and especially if my ex really hasn't changed. I just want my family back together, but not the way that it had been. and I don't even know if my ex still wants me back either. I've cried so may nights over this. Any advice?


Personally, I think you both have made mistakes. You are breaking your vows by dating a guy while still married and hurting your husband with your actions. He has also been an absentee father and husband. In my opinion, I don't think it is ever okay to date someone else while still married(even if you are planning to divorce), as you should have waited until after the divorce was finalized before looking for a new partner. Now you have made this a bigger mess than it needed to be, as you don't know if you are leaving your husband because he isn't good for you or because you just want to be with the new guy, in which you are still in the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship(it's new and exciting). 

My advice: Break up with your boyfriend and focus on your children. Your family comes first, not this new guy. It's never healthy to jump from one relationship to another anyways, so you need to take some time off if you are not going to give your husband another chance. Continue to be separated from your husband and see if he has made any changes to his life. If he has and truly wants to and is working at being a better husband and dad, then I would give him another chance. If things are continuing as they have been, then go through with the divorce and don't date anyone for a while until you are truly ready for a new relationship(when you know exactly what you want and it's not a rebound).


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## RandomDude

^ Interesting, for me I consider when both partners agreed to move on - that equals a split already, regardless of the "official relationship status"; aka not the piece of paper and legal jargon.

For example over here in Australia seperated couples have to wait it out for a year before a divorce can be signed. That's pretty painful when the couple already decided there's nothing that can be changed/fixed.


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## heavensangel

What's the saying? Leopard's don't change their spots? Sorry, I'm bad with cliche's. 

The proof of your stbxh's changing would have to definitely be in the pudding! I, too, believe you've given him enough chances. I wonder if the reason he wants you back is he sees what he had being enjoyed by someone else and he doesn't like it. Once you dump bf and return to him, he'll have accomplished his goal and go right back to his normal shenanigans. 

It really makes no sense that you'd go back to someone who mistreats/doesn't appreciate you when you have one that treats you and your boys well. You need to remember why you left to begin with......


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## Emerald

Your new b/f is a rebound.

When you first started dating it was fun & exciting & you were able to forget about your ex.....but now 6 months later, you realize you are not over your ex & your new rebound b/f is not as "exciting" as such you are ruminating on all of the "good times" with your ex, not the "bad times."

I think you need to be single for awhile. Focus your energies on yourself & your children. Time is on your side. If your ex has changed & you both still love each other, then it is a possiblity that you can be a family again.


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## cam44

aopheikens said:


> I can honestly say that Ive never felt more confused in my life. I need some advice. My soon to be ex and I have been separated for almost a year now after being together for 4 years, and having 2 beautiful little boys. We were 18 when we had our first, now were 22. Our relationship had been bad for quite awhile. I was always so depressed, I felt like I was being suffocated and I didn't feel loved at all. Often times it would just be me and my little guys together while my husband was constantly on the computer or on his xbox. I tried many times to get him to spend time with his family and he would get upset. When I finally could get him to, he would act like he didn't want to be there. he had even left me at one point before we married and after our first son was born because he "wanted to know what it was like to be with other girls" but he never ended up doing anything.
> 
> After separating this last time he was supposed to go to therapy with me, but after a month of him not trying again, he told me he didn't want to get back together. At that point I had had enough, I just couldn't go on with the way he made me feel. I wanted a divorce.
> 
> 5 months later I started dating a guy I had went to school with. We hit it off amazingly. He was great, and honest and liked doing the same things as me and he made me happy and hes great with my boys. Weve been dating 6 months now and he still treats me amazingly, and I honestly do love him.
> 
> Lately though I've missed my ex, mostly because he's become a much more responsible and loving father, because hes had to. This is the biggest separation weve ever had and i wonder if maybe he finally did realize what he had...He had tried to get me back when I first started talking to my bf but I had absolutely no desire to be with him.
> He told me he would change and he was sorry and he promised to make me happy but I had heard it all before in the past too and nothing ever changed. I had so much resentment toward him and he had started to cause a lot of drama with my friends and family also. I just couldn't do it, I didn't believe him.
> I've seen my boys have a hard time with the separation also and I never imagined that I would ever get a divorce, I just want a happy family and I want what's best for them as well. I also don't know if my new bf is ready for all of this, he says he is but I don't know.
> 
> I just don't know what to do, I don't want to hurt my bf by going back to my ex, especially because I do love him and especially if my ex really hasn't changed. I just want my family back together, but not the way that it had been. and I don't even know if my ex still wants me back either. I've cried so may nights over this. Any advice?


EVERY marriage especially with children can have HUGE ups and downs ... expect this -- it isn't a fairy tale forever but it should not always be tought times either.
However - unless you actually had the conviction and were decisive enough to finalize the divorce you had no business 'dating' and finding another boyfriend in the first place - hence you find yourself in the situation you are in right now.
You owe it to your children and your marriage if you think it is at all possible to make it successful to give it another try -- but also ensure he knows what it at stake and that he is 100% committed ... the kids need 2 parents ... thats why God required input from the both of you ...


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## Hicks

Think about your children. What's best for them? Not to have a childhood that revolves around your love life.

They don't need you dating... becuase they will get attached to someone and you end up breaking up with them.

My view is you should give every opportunity to your husband and provide your children an intact family.


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## Longtime married

If you really think he has changed as it seems. Stop seeing the bf and "date" your husband, don't move back in with each other. Give it some time that way you can see if the change is real or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mel123

Anonymous07 said:


> Personally, I think you both have made mistakes. You are breaking your vows by dating a guy while still married and hurting your husband with your actions. He has also been an absentee father and husband. In my opinion, I don't think it is ever okay to date someone else while still married(even if you are planning to divorce), as you should have waited until after the divorce was finalized before looking for a new partner. Now you have made this a bigger mess than it needed to be, as you don't know if you are leaving your husband because he isn't good for you or because you just want to be with the new guy, in which you are still in the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship(it's new and exciting).
> 
> My advice: Break up with your boyfriend and focus on your children. Your family comes first, not this new guy. It's never healthy to jump from one relationship to another anyways, so you need to take some time off if you are not going to give your husband another chance. Continue to be separated from your husband and see if he has made any changes to his life. If he has and truly wants to and is working at being a better husband and dad, then I would give him another chance. If things are continuing as they have been, then go through with the divorce and don't date anyone for a while until you are truly ready for a new relationship(when you know exactly what you want and it's not a rebound).


:iagree:

No wonder you are confused , you hadn't divorced your H or cut your emotional ties with him......

He didn't cheat on you or abuse you. Sounds like he ignored you and your needs ,but that was out of immaturity and ignorance.He just needed to mature and grow up.

Instead of facing these problems and doing a 180 , you ran into the arms of OM. What was your H response when he found about the OM.

Had you been having any contact with the other OM in the early stages of your problems with you H ?

Are you divorced? you called him your H in one sentence and your Ex in another.


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## mel123

RandomDude said:


> Your new boyfriend however, deserves your full attention, not you thinking about what ifs about your ex. That's just my opinion anyway. Let your ex win your heart if he's truly sincere, but for now, focus on your new boyfriend who has invested in you.


What does the (boyfriend) OM have invested ? He does not have the responsibilities of being a father and H and providing for the family. He is banging the wife of the H. All the happy "in Love" feelings are going on, that wont last. OP will really regret this, when this new guys negative traits start coming out.


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## bandj2010mo

personly. i would just stay where your happy. alll the drama will pass.


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