# Please help...... AGAIN



## eagleben (Jul 29, 2012)

OK, So I posted the post about white wife cheating. IM NOT TRYING TO OFFEND ANYONE ON HERE!!!!
I would not want my wife to cheat on me with any Race! The reason I even included the part about race is that it has been the common denominator! She is the one that said when I asked her out the first time that she didnt date white boys. I came here because I cant talk to anyone. I came here to vent and to seek counsel. Someone keeps killing the thread. Can you please read my original post and try to help me? If you dont like me or the post please just leave it up so others maybe can comment! Ive had a bomb dropped on me and I would really appreciate advise. Thank you!


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Stop stressing the race difference and they might not LOCK them!


----------



## iJordan (May 8, 2012)

If people weren't so hypersensitive and terrified to be perceived as racist, maybe they wouldn't feel the need to lock them.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

As I said in the original thread the race of the men is irrelevant to actually dealing with the cheating. Just like if he said she went for nascar guys, or sailors, or guys are tall/short/red haired.

The ONLY relevant info is:

1. She was married
2. She sought out contact with the OM
3. She lied about the reasons for her trip to see the OM
4. she met up with the OM on a number times during the trip.
5. She fooled around on the trip and claims it wasn't full on sex - which honestly I doubt since she went to all the trouble to go down there and meet up repeatedly. No way she just kissed.

see nothing but a standard story about a cheating wife - sadly it all too common.

Now, the standard things can be done:

1. Find the OM and see if he has a wife - and expose the meetup to her.
2. demand a polygraph from the wife
3. check phone records and email and FB to see if there is any ongoing contact.


----------



## eagleben (Jul 29, 2012)

Ok, agreed. 
Do you think that there is any validity to my thought process? If she has a thing for other types. And, that has been the common issue. Are my feelings valid?


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Are you saying your wife has cheated on you multiple times and the common denominator is that the other men have all have been the same race, which is a different race than you?


----------



## eagleben (Jul 29, 2012)

No, she hasn't cheated multiple times. She has cheated once. If I mention race. someone keeps locking the forum. I am not trying to be racist even slightly. But, before we were married she only dated black guys. Then when we were married and she would be cold to me. I would hurt and wonder. If I was as black man would she treat me different. Then after we were married for three years she began a relationship with a guy who happened to be black. 
I have a complet post its my original post that was locked.


----------



## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

I had a lengthy post explaining what you should to in the original topic, but the thread was locked before I could post it. Bah.

Eagleben, the reason we believe she has been cheating on you repeatedly is because she is emotionally distant and unaffectionate. I read your original thread. You state that explicitly. You also state she often turns you down sexually, and that you've been going to counseling for help with your marital problems on and off for _years_.

She isn't attracted to you. That is why she is distant sexually and emotionally. The reason for this could be your race. It could also be that she is emotionally invested in another man (or men). Since she already cheated once and lied to you for _ten years_ about it, I suspect that the latter is the case - she doesn't have sex with you or show affection because she is giving her affection and sex to another man. 

Sorry to tell you this.

I know what you're thinking. "No way, my wife is not like that. She made one mistake, ten years ago. She's not capable of doing something like that to me."

Let me offer some perspective - your wife went to Louisville to have a physical fling with another man. She lied to you about the reason for her trip. She lied to you about how intimate they were together. She lied to you about this for _ten years_. Nearly your _entire_ _marriage_. What makes you think she isn't capable of hiding any other affairs behind your back? She clearly _can_. She clearly _has_.

My advice to you? Just leave. Really. Find yourself a lawyer, and file for divorce. The fact that she lied to you for ten years is reason enough to divorce her, never-mind the fact that she is emotionally and sexually distant, and she had at least one affair.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Obviously you can't see the racism in this thread. Perhaps you could if you substituted "Redhead" for "black". If you did , would you even mention it? Would you preface your remarks with "redheaded guy" or "my wife only likes redheads, and would the inference be the same? No it would not. Your wife's cheating is bad, but with a black man it is sooooo much worse. That is why it is racist, because the point of the thread is not to find answers to an affair, but to see if any woman who likes blacks is even worth the trouble.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I have an idea. If you want to find answers to her cheating, why not start a thread, AND NOT MENTION RACE, AT ALL?


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Don't know whether it is because in my country we don't have racial isssues but I don't find racism here. Maybe I'm very naive with this. I don't see any remack about black people at all.


> Would you preface your remarks with "redheaded guy" or "my wife only likes redheads, and would the inference be the same? *No it would not*. Your wife's cheating is bad, *but with a black man it is sooooo much worse*.


I'm dealing with infidelity boards for almost 3 years already. "My wife is into body builders", into wealthy guys, my husband is into broken damsells in distress, into thin young girls ..." all kind of specific choices for APs wich BS can't measure up for thee simple reason the are not body builders, rich, young or thin. It matters. It messes up with BSs selfsteem. It make them hopeless. The bolded bits are no more than assumptions. I really can't see where you come from. There's nothing in his threads abut it. You don't know him at all. 
I fail to see where OP put it was worse because OM is black except for the fact OM appears to be of his wife long term preference which is simply different from him.
Race matter here. Simply avoiding the questions robs OP of an very important aspect of his healing.


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Run, Run, Run!


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Perhaps , you are right. Being from Spain you might not be familiar with overt racism, but we in the US are. The MAIN point to this thread, isn't the wife's cheating, it is the color of the OM , she is cheating with. If Race were not the main consideration then why has he consistantly brought it up, and used Race as a qualifier? In order for him to deaL with infidelity, why is race even an issue? I am sure that many of the other posters who have experienced cheating, have had the AP (affair partner) be of a different race, but they refrained from using race as a denominator. It does not matter the race of the AP, what matters is the cheating.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if OP stated in his thread that his wife is more sexually attracted to black men as part of the back story I don't think BB or me or others would have a problem with it. But OP in the original thread must have mentioned race in every sentence as if that was main problem.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I think the OP is correct to factor race into his decision on whether to divorce or not. If he were willing to work on his marriage, and he were willing to risk raising another man's child, he would probably want to be able to pass the child off as his own.

His wife becoming pregnant from a black man would make that impossible. So it does add to the risk of false reconciliation.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Obviously you can't see the racism in this thread. Perhaps you could if you substituted "Redhead" for "black". If you did , would you even mention it? Would you preface your remarks with "redheaded guy" or "my wife only likes redheads, and would the inference be the same? No it would not. Your wife's cheating is bad, but with a black man it is sooooo much worse. That is why it is racist, because the point of the thread is not to find answers to an affair, but to see if any woman who likes blacks is even worth the trouble.


I politely disagree with the premise that mentioning the race in the OP makes this thread about racism. I think accusations or racism are thrown about way to freely and way to easily. In some cases, it becomes the easy way out to avoid discussing the deeper meanings of things. I didn't see the OP make any derogatory remarks against African Americans in any way - only stating that his wife told him that this was the only type of person she chose to date prior to him.

I think the fact about his wife's preferences is important. Considering her past dating history and considering who she cheated with, it gives us an insight into his wife's mind. The way I interpret this is that his wife considered him an oddity and for some reason married him for who knows why. She appears to be fixated on a certain type of man to make her happy. I don't race has anything to do with it aside from what his wife likes. We could insert any other specific trait and it his story would be the same. I think it means that the chance for an R for this marriage is much lower because his wife is fixated on specific traits in a man. Is this circumstantial? Sure it is; however if it makes everyone feel better I'll use the red hair analogy. 

If his wife dated 15 guys prior to the OP and all of them had red hair and were over 6' 5", then married the OP who was 5'5" with brown hair and then cheated on him with a 6'5" guy with red hair, wouldn't that lead you to conclude that the wife of the OP more than likely lost her desire for him on purely physical traits alone? When you factor in the idea that the wife would state "I never considered dating men who were under 6'5" and had a hair color other than red", would that not mean something different to you than if the wife cheated on her spouse with someone that did not fit her historical dating pattern? IMO, if the latter was the case, then there would be a chance that her lack of physical attraction to the OP may be just as likely mental as physical. However, knowing what we know, the OP's wife probably lost physical attraction to the OP and has checked out of this marriage completely.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

If his wife has an aesthetic preference for black men is that racist? If not, then the OP would not be racist by merely pointing it out. It does make a difference to his story. It is no different than if she said I only date bad boys who ride Harleys and then marries the OP who is a bookish accountant. She liked a certain type for whatever reason, but married another type for whatever reason. 

I didn't see the OP's original post. He should be more concerned with the fact that his wife had a EA/PA than what race he is. He should find out why she married him if his type isn't really her preference.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I politely disagree with the premise that mentioning the race in the OP makes this thread about racism. I think accusations or racism are thrown about way to freely and way to easily. In some cases, it becomes the easy way out to avoid discussing the deeper meanings of things. I didn't see the OP make any derogatory remarks against African Americans in any way - only stating that his wife told him that this was the only type of person she chose to date prior to him.
> 
> I think the fact about his wife's preferences is important. Considering her past dating history and considering who she cheated with, it gives us an insight into his wife's mind. The way I interpret this is that his wife considered him an oddity and for some reason married him for who knows why. She appears to be fixated on a certain type of man to make her happy. I don't race has anything to do with it aside from what his wife likes. We could insert any other specific trait and it his story would be the same. I think it means that the chance for an R for this marriage is much lower because his wife is fixated on specific traits in a man. Is this circumstantial? Sure it is; however if it makes everyone feel better I'll use the red hair analogy.
> 
> If his wife dated 15 guys prior to the OP and all of them had red hair and were over 6' 5", then married the OP who was 5'5" with brown hair and then cheated on him with a 6'5" guy with red hair, wouldn't that lead you to conclude that the wife of the OP more than likely lost her desire for him on purely physical traits alone? When you factor in the idea that the wife would state "I never considered dating men who were under 6'5" and had a hair color other than red", would that not mean something different to you than if the wife cheated on her spouse with someone that did not fit her historical dating pattern? IMO, if the latter was the case, then there would be a chance that her lack of physical attraction to the OP may be just as likely mental as physical. However, knowing what we know, the OP's wife probably lost physical attraction to the OP and has checked out of this marriage completely.


Spoken like a white guy.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Geez!!!!!!!!!

Your wife is cheating. It sound like she has made an emotional and physical atrraction to OM (other man). 

I suggest you stop begging for your marrriage and sho the confidence that you will let her go if she continues the affair. I think she has your number and believes you aren't going any were so she continues. But once you show her how confident you are and will no longer tolorate her behavior she will start to think twice about what she is about to lose.


Folks this is a forum about coping with infidelity....lets keep it to the point so we can prevent this poor guy from apoligizing for his wifes cheating.....period!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

VermisciousKnid said:


> If his wife has an aesthetic preference for black men is that racist? If not, then the OP would not be racist by merely pointing it out. It does make a difference to his story. It is no different than if she said I only date bad boys who ride Harleys and then marries the OP who is a bookish accountant. She liked a certain type for whatever reason, but married another type for whatever reason.
> 
> I didn't see the OP's original post. He should be more concerned with the fact that his wife had a EA/PA than what race he is. He should find out why she married him if his type isn't really her preference.


Yes, and he pointed it out in almost every sentence. The point of his thread isn't cheating, it's race, that makes it racist.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> I think the OP is correct to factor race into his decision on whether to divorce or not. If he were willing to work on his marriage, and he were willing to risk raising another man's child, he would probably want to be able to pass the child off as his own.
> 
> His wife becoming pregnant from a black man would make that impossible. So it does add to the risk of false reconciliation.


 If race isn't an issue, then what matters the race of the child? Would her child be less deserving of his love because it's half black? Are you saying that?


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Bigotry seems to be alive and well on TAM.


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

i won't be banned, i won't get banned!!


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

the guy said:


> Geez!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Your wife is cheating. It sound like she has made an emotional and physical atrraction to OM (other man).
> 
> ...


It would be nice if this Op would start a new thread and focus on the infidelity, instead of the skin color.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Listen everyone has a stigma, whether it be with race/sex. To be honest I am not racist. I work with innercity schools and help out. Volunteering to help these teens that are primarily a different ethnicity from my own. When I started all of this my wife joked that I fell in love with 100 kids of a different ethnicity. I have plenty of friends that are of a different ethnicity from my own.
Now I was raised in the south, around Memphis, TN. If you are from where I live race is a major issue that lies just below the surface of everything from politics to daily life. 
There is a lot of muckraking on both sides. In all fairness where I was raised, who i was raised with , and my experiences have made certain stigmas that just won't go away. 
IMO you can't help how you were raised, where you were raised. I think it is perfectly fine if someone is unable to get over being cheated on and the OM/W being another race. Simply because I get it.
Not because the person is racist and thinks that all people of another race are inferior. I could be that stigma someone was raised with or developed over time through experience. I could just be that he feels like she should have seen this coming. 
It is easy to not have any stigmas if you have never dealt with a lot of people that are of a different ethnicity of your own.
If you have never met someone from a different race from your own, or never really gotten to know a member of another race and judge them. That to me is the epitome of ignorance. That's where most racism stems from is ignorance.
In my experience racism is dieing out each generation that passes on. 
It is only a small fraction of people that are true racists. Most true racists were raised by racists, were likely victims of a member of another race, or have noticed trends that that they don't like in another race and have taken an extreme stance. 
I am not saying racism is good, or okay, or what have you. I am saying that people are the way they are. I didn't read one thing in his post that was really racist. It was more shock than anything else.

I think that people should be able to discuss race in a civil manner. I laugh when someone is labeled a racist when they say that guy is a (insert a race here) moron. I think that is an overreaction.
I have actually been dealt with racists, and they come in black,white, latino, and asian. 
It just irks me how easily the name racist gets tossed around.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Bigotry seems to be alive and well on TAM.


Stop stirring crap up!!!!!!!!!! Jeez people like you are the biggest issue when race comes up. Quit purposely trying to start crap and move on.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

badbane said:


> Listen everyone has a stigma, whether it be with race/sex. To be honest I am not racist. I work with innercity schools and help out. Volunteering to help these teens that are primarily a different ethnicity from my own. When I started all of this my wife joked that I fell in love with 100 kids of a different ethnicity. I have plenty of friends that are of a different ethnicity from my own.
> Now I was raised in the south, around Memphis, TN. If you are from where I live race is a major issue that lies just below the surface of everything from politics to daily life.
> There is a lot of muckraking on both sides. In all fairness where I was raised, who i was raised with , and my experiences have made certain stigmas that just won't go away.
> IMO you can't help how you were raised, where you were raised. I think it is perfectly fine if someone is unable to get over being cheated on and the OM/W being another race. Simply because I get it.
> ...


You don't get it, do you? This is an infidelity forum, not a racial forum. If you want to discus race, there are many forums that deal with racial problems. This poster came to TAM and began a racially focused thread, which was locked. He has tried to do the same thing , here. If he would just stick to the subject of infidelity, there would be no problem. But he repeatedly made race the focus, which is not the province of TAM.


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

The OP's wife is the one who is obsessed with race, not the OP. She's the one who stated that "she only dates black guys." Of course then she changed her mind and married the OP, a white guy. Now she's back to dating a black guy. She's not attracted to OP now. The race angle is pertinent to the story, since she told the OP "she only dates black guys." The OP did not say anything derogatory about any race. He's merely reporting his wife's actions to give us a fuller, more descriptive illustration of his marriage troubles. 

Charges of racism should be reserved for instances where there is truly racism. The word is flung around far too recklessly and is in danger of losing its meaning.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

badbane said:


> Stop stirring crap up!!!!!!!!!! Jeez people like you are the biggest issue when race comes up. Quit purposely trying to start crap and move on.


 Yep, black people are the problem, all right. You will be reported.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

This thread and all threads that focus on race should be locked. this is NOT a racial forum.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Spoken like a white guy.


So how does this help move from race to infidelity? Just quit you were antagonizing the situation. In the OP thread is a specific issue that involves a man of another ethnicity. just because he may describe the issues does not make him racist. I mean his wife slept with a man of another race and it he probably wasn't prepared for it. He came on here to vent and got carried away. I get it if this were to happen to me I'd be as surprised and upset and want to get mad. I am not gonna hold something like this against the dude because he is in a emotionally compromised situation and isn't thinking straight.
Stop stirring the pot.

OP I am sorry badblood has hijacked you thread. please give us an update to your situation as best you can.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Badblood said:


> If race isn't an issue, then what matters the race of the child? Would her child be less deserving of his love because it's half black? Are you saying that?


What you talkin' about Willis? 

I'm saying that if a white couple has a biracial child, then the white husband obviously isn't the father. Everyone will know that his wife cheated on him with a black man.

How you get racism from that is beyond me. I think most accusations of racist say more about the accuser than the accused. And I think this thread is a perfect illustration of that.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Look, I'm Black, and I'm not offended at all. I know what he's saying. BUT Dude, you should cut your loses. A poster said what was most relevant. SHE TOLD YOU who she dated. Now you know that is still what gets her going. So either live with it or go. It DON'T MATTER, who, what, where, how or why. She CHEATED and will do it again.
Are you moving to where there are no guys she likes??? Well there you go.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Yep, black people are the problem, all right. You will be reported.


LOL you never mentioned your race genius.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

badbane said:


> Stop stirring crap up!!!!!!!!!! Jeez people like you are the biggest issue when race comes up. Quit purposely trying to start crap and move on.


If any of you read this posters original thread, he used Racial identification in virtually every sentence. I have every right to question the validity of such threads. My point is that if he had come here asking for help with his unfaithful wife, without using race as a descriptor, there would be no problem. Or if he used it ONCE, to describe his wife's AP and sexual preference, and then proceeded to asking his questions, even then it would have been fine. BUT, to make it the basis of his thread is racist.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

badbane said:


> LOL you never mentioned your race genius.


I did on the original post, and on many of my own threads.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Badblood said:


> If any of you read this posters original thread, he used Racial identification in virtually every sentence. I have every right to question the validity of such threads. My point is that if he had come here asking for help with his unfaithful wife, without using race as a descriptor, there would be no problem. Or if he used it ONCE, to describe his wife's AP and sexual preference, and then proceeded to asking his questions, even then it would have been fine. BUT, to make it the basis of his thread is racist.


Sp you have jumped every single thread he has hijacked it reported it as racial and had it locked. My friend you need to quit.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

If you guy remember, we had another BS who found out his wife was sleeping with some blk guy while traveling. She had a breakdown later on. In fact he never made a big issue of the R thing, just that she was a cheater.
This guy knew an still stepped into this mess. Now he wants to know if it wass only about that. WHYYYYYYY. The woman is a CHEATER no matter race.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Badblood said:


> I did on the original post, and on many of my own threads.


I never knew you were black I never read it in you Op and I could care less if you were. You people is referring to people that flame situations and not the fact that you are black. IMO we all have 23 chromosomes, and have a brain. I think it is how you use it that causes problems. I know that you will not stop so this is the last post I will make on the issue this thread isn't about you so stop.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

PHT, there are MANY white couples who adopt biracial kids. But I think most ppl auto assume they adopted, not the wife cheated.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

OldWolf57 said:


> Look, I'm Black, and I'm not offended at all. I know what he's saying. BUT Dude, you should cut your loses. A poster said what was most relevant. SHE TOLD YOU who she dated. Now you know that is still what gets her going. So either live with it or go. It DON'T MATTER, who, what, where, how or why. She CHEATED and will do it again.
> Are you moving to where there are no guys she likes??? Well there you go.


I agree with this. what is germaine to the cheating is what actions he takes, not how her having a black lover should affect their R.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

you people ????? DNA proved we all came from a woman in Africa. It also proved the Ethopians Jews was direct descents of the tribe of Levi. The Priesthood tribe.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

OldWolf57 said:


> PHT, there are MANY white couples who adopt biracial kids. But I think most ppl auto assume they adopted, not the wife cheated.


This is most likely the case.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

OldWolf57 said:


> If you guy remember, we had another BS who found out his wife was sleeping with some blk guy while traveling. She had a breakdown later on. In fact he never made a big issue of the R thing, just that she was a cheater.
> This guy knew an still stepped into this mess. Now he wants to know if it wass only about that. WHYYYYYYY. The woman is a CHEATER no matter race.


I believe that the BS you are talking about was me.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

My wife had an affair with an older man, who happened to be Black.  I never made it an issue because I'm black, myself, and only mentioned it a few times. My wife then had a breakdown and attempted suicide. We are since Divorced, and now I'm dating a new GF.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I mentioned that BB, I was so proud of you making sure she had the help she needed. GOOD LUCK going forward BB


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I am closing this thread ... again.

To the Original Poster, You have made it clear at this point, that your spouse had preferred to date black men.
You are white. 
She married you. 
She cheated on you.

Lets be clear so that you can start a thread and get some feedback supporting you based on your spouses infidelity rather than making the skin color of her affair partner part of the discussion ... because it shouldn't be.

More plainly, it can't be. Because then that is the focus of the discussion rather than the infidelity.

Should you choose to start another thread, please decide what it is that you are looking for help with OUTSIDE of the context of her affair partner's race ... 

I hope this helps you decide how you want to approach discussing the infidelity in your marriage and getting some feedback that can help you.


----------

