# I have Big Issues: Cheating, Transexuals, Religion, Porn + much more!



## IHaveAProblem (May 1, 2013)

I feel like I have done too much. Gone too far. I am 26 and she is 23. We both want to get married when she finished university next year. We both want children. But since losing my virginity when I was 16 I have become more of a devil every year.
I have been with my current girl for just over two years. I feel I am unable to love or commit even though I want to. I have many problems. I have come here for answers, for some help.
Let me tell you my story...


I grew up in the church. Both my parents have always been strong christians in the protestant church. I always tried to be godly and read the bible. I was very innocent and naive.
I was taught to save my virginity till marriage and I very much intended to do so.
But when I got to secondary school, in my early teenage years friends thought I was gay for refraning from opportunities for sex.
In the end my first love stole my virginity from me at the age of 16.
My friends were all cheaters and players and they incouraged me to get with more girls. 
By the time I was 18 I had stopped going to church and I had slept with and cheated on a few different girls.
Anytime I got a good girl I would end up going out of my way to cheat on her or she would cheat on me first.
I confessed to some but always lost them after the trust was broken.
When I was at university I fell in love with one girl who I knew for a while since she went to my college. I really loved her though we both cheated on each other. We broke up for a year and then we decided to get back together. I had plans to marry this woman as she was perfect in all ways.
One fateful day she forgot her mobile in my car and for some reason I had a look at her notes, contacts and messages. I found out that she had more than 15 different guys she was sleeping with. When I confronted her she called the police and told them that I stole her phone!
I was never so hurt as this my whole life!
Three years later I am 22 and thats when I got with my current girlfriend. I decided I would not cheat on her but I couldn't allow myself to fall in love with her either.
I was going to be joining the military and I didn't think she would stick around when I am miles away from her. Doubt and mistrust grew in my mind and I didn't talk things over with her. Instead I slipped into my old habits, only worse than ever now. i didn't cheat on her with girls as I did with the others. i began to cheat on her with transsexuals!

I began watching porn a little after losing my virginity. it started out as dvds I would get from a chinese woman at the barber shop and I only wanted straight porn of my own race. Once I was bored of seeing the same names and faces I started looking at other types of porn. I got very much into interracial and milf.
Then once I was bored of that I got worse and got turned on by nun porn and incest.
I have never felt any sexual attraction to any female in my family or any religious woman, but for some reason I was very turned on watching these types of porn movies.
Then one day I discovered shemale (transsexual) porn, and I have been watching that religiously for the last 8 years or so.
I was aroused by the fact that I could see the girl climaxing and see that she was excited because she had a penis just like I did. It has become the biggest fetish in my life, though it was only a fantasy at the time.

Then, one day, two years ago when I was only some 6 months into my relationship with my current girlfriend I noticed an advert about dating transsexuals on a shemale porn video I was watching.
Since I was already doubtful about my girlfriend staying with me and entering a service for my country where I will be risking my life I decided to give it a try and my excuse to myself was 'well you only live once, might die tomorrow'.
I was shocked to find there are thousands of transgender women around all over the world in almost every city.
Being young and athletic, the tgirls were loving pictures of me and very eager to meet. 
I didn't mention at first that I had a girlfriend and some wanted a relationship with me but of course, there is no way that would work because my parents would condemn them and me aswell since they are strong christians, as I once was...

After cheating with about 4 of them and joining a second website for transsexuals and people who like to date them.
One day in the autumn 2011 my girlfriend was at my place and I had forgotten that I was logged onto one of these sites and I had a page minimised that I had forgotten about.
My girlfriend got on my computer to show me something and she opened the web browser and the minimised page opened up. it was my profile, with my half naked pictures and pictures of the people who were into me at the bottom of the page.
I don't think she read any of the text, she was just shocked to see what looked like, and actually was a profile of me on a dating site with half naked pictures up.
She got up to leave and I immediately closed down the browser.
I lied about alot of things, I told her it was only a forum not a dating site and that I have a friend who was thinking about transitioning to a female. She remembers it till this day though she has forgiven it, she has no idea that she only saw the tip of the iceburg.
I admitted to the trans girls on the site that I had a girlfriend and felt bad for cheating and like anybody would they all expressed their hate for people who cheat and are dishonest.
I ended up breaking down and I deleted all of the porn I had of all genders and I deleted all my pics and profiles form these sites.
I found a new church to go to and I told them everything, they told me to truly repent I had to let go of everything, including the current girlfriend who I had already been having sex with.
I was so caught up with this new church even my own parents were convinced this was a cult, and my girlfriend was very upset that I was breaking up with her because people from a church said to do it.
in the end I stayed with her and stopped going to that church. I haven't been to a church since.

I stayed faithful to her for nearly a whole year from then. By this time its October 2012 and my girl is abroad for 4 months doing an internship and I am in the military.
I got really lonely and started watching porn again. I started watching shemale porn again. I started thinking about if there were any transgender girls in my new location. Before that week was done, I was back on the same sites as before, with fresh photos.
This time I was more experienced and even more sneaky. I wasn't going to give them anything this time, I was never going to tell anybody I had a girlfriend. I was just going to use them as sex objects, as they use my race as a sex fetish.
So the cheating began again, but there were not so many girls around now that I wasn't in a city. I then dabbled with some transsexual escorts, paying three of them over 2 months.
Then for some reason I have been thinking about how I am getting older and how so many guys in the military are happily married.
My girl wants to marry and she is really good to me from what I know. I am really good to her from what she knows apart from that one time she saw my profile.
When I am with her everything is really great, but when I am not around her I find her a nuisance, always complaining about missing me and not being able to see me. Truth is, I miss her too these times but I am afraid to commit and afraid to get hurt, so I see other people to cover that up and get my sexual release without having to yearn for her.

I feel that I have done too much to marry this girl, perhaps it will all come out somehow even if I did marry her.
I also don't want to get married and ever break my vows. But if I can't be faithful now, how can a marriage certificate stop me in future?
I want to be able to be a good person again but I feel like I am lost and there is no way to recover.
I want to stop cheating but at the same time I feel like I can't. I am addicted to sex with transsexuals, I am addicted to the porn. All that was once pure and honest has been melted away by the years of pain I have both suffered and inflicted on others.

I have never really been able to stay single. I always have to have that one girl by my side. The only times I have been single are when the girl breaks up with me before I have another ready to replace her with.


I want to be a good husband to a good wife. A good father my future children.
What can I do now in my situation? Have you guys ever heard of somebody going through this sort of inner turmoil? To want to do one thing but then always do another due to addiction and fear of loss?

I need to turn my life around. I need to get settled. 

Any comments, thoughts, experiences or references will be greatly appreciated.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

One Word - Counseling.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

IHaveAProblem said:


> Anytime I got a good girl I would end up going out of my way to cheat on her or she would cheat on me first.


good girls don't cheat.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

IHaveAProblem said:


> I have been with my current girl for just over two years.





IHaveAProblem said:


> Three years later I am 22 and thats when I got with my current girlfriend.



Didn't you say you are currently 26 years old? 

Have you been with her for 2 years or 4 years? Story doesn't seem to match up here


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> In before the big DELETE happens...


they only delete my threads about big vaginas


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

somethingelse said:


> Didn't you say you are currently 26 years old?
> 
> Have you been with her for 2 years or 4 years? Story doesn't seem to match up here


good catch.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> Didn't you say you are currently 26 years old?
> 
> Have you been with her for 2 years or 4 years? Story doesn't seem to match up here


Said he was 22 when he met his girlfriend about 3 years ago.

The age isn't a discrepancy, doesn't mean the whole story isn't made up but not on that one point.

Wait never mind you're right he'd be 24 and he said he's 26.

BIG plot hole.

Gotta love sloppy story tellers.

That's the way most movies are nowadays or so it seems.

At almost $20 a ticket, so not worth it!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

northland said:


> Said he was 22 when he met his girlfriend about 3 years ago.
> 
> The age isn't a discrepancy, doesn't mean the whole story isn't made up but not on that one point.


He said he was 22 when he met her, now he is 26. Then he said he has been with her for 2 years only. But I'm adding up 4 years based on the ages he gave us. 

I was just wondering if he could enlighten me. Maybe he made a mistake. 

But he hasn't responded yet


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> He said he was 22 when he met her, now he is 26. Then he said he has been with her for 2 years only. But I'm adding up 4 years based on the ages he gave us.
> 
> I was just wondering if he could enlighten me. Maybe he made a mistake.
> 
> But he hasn't responded yet


I edited my post, you are in fact correct about the age discrepancy.

How's he (or she) going to respond?

_"In between screwing all the transexual escorts I forgot how old I was"_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Poster.... any responses? 

You know, he kind of sounds like my H, except the transexual stuff
Odd


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> Poster.... any responses?
> 
> You know, he kind of sounds like my H, except the transexual stuff
> Odd


If your husband was doing transexual escorts, do you think he'd tell you about it?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

You have a sexual addiction. You mentioned you were not even into transgender until you go bored with normal stuff. look up porn creep. You have every single symptom of sex addiction and the church didn't tell you to dump the girl they told you to come clean or let her go. You are living a double life. One that makes you happy and one that is addictive in nature. You need to seek counciling because you are not being good to the woman you want to marry. You are betrayed her every single time you cheated, flirted, got emotionally attached, to someone other than her. regardless of how good you treat her outside of sleeping with other people you are being cruel to this woman. Honestly with your level of addiction I would recommend a 30 day rehab facility.

It could be a story. But if it isn't pay attention to the above.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

northland said:


> If your husband was doing transexual escorts, do you think he'd tell you about it?


Well. He does get into a lot of nitty gritty with me. But I guess there's no telling in all reality


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Wow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ihaveaproblem, you could always try praying, getting back to the whole church thing? Re-dedicating your life and so forth?


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## IHaveAProblem (May 1, 2013)

Yeah you guys are right, I have been with other girls aswell between the current one and the one who's phone I looked through. I finished uni in 2008 at age 21. I am 26 now and she is 23 now as of this post. I met her 2010 just before new years day. We officially got together valentines day 2011.
My story is true, and to be honest I did write this all a little hastily because it is a story that stems from my childhood. I know I have problems, I just want to be able to deal with them and get ready for marriage and raise children.


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## All of a sudden (Jan 24, 2013)

You are nowhere near marriage and children. You cant even not cheat on your girlfriend. What are you going to do about your transexual fetish? Woman should run fast from you, in your present state you would ruin lives( wife and kids) 

The poster who suggested a rehab facility is pretty bang on. You need to learn how to relive, with no cheating, games or your transgender websites. You really need a lot of help. I hope you get it and have a happier life!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Well...first off, you need to come clean with your GF. Let her decide whether she wants to be with you.

Secondly, you need to get some counselling. Either from a good church, or whatever. Just counselling. 

Personally, I would not stay with you if I was your GF. I am with a serial cheater, I can handle that much (not so much anymore). But I would not tolerate my H if he was "in the closet". That's dangerous territory right there.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Your friends in high school were correct; you're gay. Not because you were following bogus churchian sex traditions, but because you are in fact gay. Don't marry this girl. Don't marry any girl. But if you do, at least don't have kids with her. I've seen this happen a couple of times IRL where the guy finally realizes he's gay, leaves his wife and kids, and moves into an apartment in the gay part of town, after he has a about 4 teenage kids. Said kids, especially the boys are seriously screwed up by this. Do everyone a favor and relocate to San Francisco as soon as possible.


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## IHaveAProblem (May 1, 2013)

All of a sudden said:


> You are nowhere near marriage and children. You cant even not cheat on your girlfriend. What are you going to do about your transexual fetish? Woman should run fast from you, in your present state you would ruin lives( wife and kids)
> 
> The poster who suggested a rehab facility is pretty bang on. You need to learn how to relive, with no cheating, games or your transgender websites. You really need a lot of help. I hope you get it and have a happier life!


I don't know what to do about the cheating and the fetish. I thought you guys would have a few ideas here 
I don't ruin other's lives. I have always valued marriage and so when people ask me to cuckold their wife or do a threesome I always say no.
Having a girlfriend always felt like whatever. They just come and go. But a fiancee onwards feels much more serious and I wouldn't want to do something I will end up regretting.
This is why I need you guys help and guidance.



somethingelse said:


> Well...first off, you need to come clean with your GF. Let her decide whether she wants to be with you.
> 
> Secondly, you need to get some counselling. Either from a good church, or whatever. Just counselling.
> 
> Personally, I would not stay with you if I was your GF. I am with a serial cheater, I can handle that much (not so much anymore). But I would not tolerate my H if he was "in the closet". That's dangerous territory right there.


She knows about my porn addiction but she doesn't know the types of porn. I really wouldn't know how to approach it. How do I ease her into knowing what types of porn I've been into without freaking her out?
I know its some weird stuff but then there are people who like things that I consider to be strange such as bdsm and cuckolding.



Machiavelli said:


> Your friends in high school were correct; you're gay. Not because you were following bogus churchian sex traditions, but because you are in fact gay. Don't marry this girl. Don't marry any girl. But if you do, at least don't have kids with her. I've seen this happen a couple of times IRL where the guy finally realizes he's gay, leaves his wife and kids, and moves into an apartment in the gay part of town, after he has a about 4 teenage kids. Said kids, especially the boys are seriously screwed up by this. Do everyone a favor and relocate to San Francisco as soon as possible.


Bisexual at most not full blown gay. A gay man is only interested in men as men. Gay men are never into transsexuals.
I don't want to have a discussion about sexuality anyway, I want to talk about dealing with cheating and marriage.
I want to marry a woman and have children but I don't want to cheat on her once I am engaged. How do I get from where I am now to that point?
I once asked for some counseling at a local sexual health clinic but I only got two sessions out of it before my 25th birthday. It was only free counseling for 18 - 25 year olds.
The discussion I was having with her was about sexuality and all that I got out of it was that sexuality was fluid and not black and white. Especially when dealing with transsexuals who look and act he same as other women except for the fact that they have a man part, things can get pretty confusing. For me it was a turn on because its something unique, but its also an abomination in the eyes of God and I am always aware of that.
I wouldn't want to marry on of these transsexuals because I wouldn't be able to reproduce and have a real marriage.
I wouldn't leave my wife in future for a man because I am not a gay man. I tried watching gay porn and it did nothing at all for me. I was grossed out.
Even with shemale porn I don't like the obvious cross dressers. Only the most feminine ones that can pull off the illusion that they were born as women.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Transexuals are guys with breast implants, very gay


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

IHaveAProblem said:


> I don't know what to do about the cheating and the fetish. I thought you guys would have a few ideas here
> I don't ruin other's lives. I have always valued marriage and so when people ask me to cuckold their wife or do a threesome I always say no.
> Having a girlfriend always felt like whatever. They just come and go. But a fiancee onwards feels much more serious and I wouldn't want to do something I will end up regretting.
> This is why I need you guys help and guidance.


You have to stop cheating. Go to a good church if that is the road you want to take, and get some counselling. Enough is enough. You know it's wrong. Just gather yourself together now and stop this where it's at. No more trannies. 




IHaveAProblem said:


> She knows about my porn addiction but she doesn't know the types of porn. I really wouldn't know how to approach it. How do I ease her into knowing what types of porn I've been into without freaking her out?
> I know its some weird stuff but then there are people who like things that I consider to be strange such as bdsm and cuckolding.


I don't think you are seeing the Big picture here. You have cheated, and not only with women, with transvestites. The porn is just the "tip of the iceburg" as you have mentioned. You have to tell your fiancee that you have actually had sex with transvestites. Give her that at least. Seriously, that is a big issue. 

How are you going to feel 10 years from now knowing that if you told your W at any moment that you had sex with these men dressed as women...she would not be with you? Is that comforting? I say now is the time to admit to what you are doing, and see the truth of what this is.



IHaveAProblem said:


> Bisexual at most not full blown gay. A gay man is only interested in men as men. Gay men are never into transsexuals.
> I don't want to have a discussion about sexuality anyway, I want to talk about dealing with cheating and marriage.
> I want to marry a woman and have children but I don't want to cheat on her once I am engaged. How do I get from where I am now to that point?


If you want to marry a woman, it might not be your current fiancee. Maybe not even the next woman. This is something that is really mind blowing for marriage material types. Like Machiavelli said, you might have to move to San Francisco. There might be women there who will be more accepting of your fascination with transvestites. I'm telling you this because I want to prepare you for the worst so that you don't think this is going to be a normal cheating situation. 

My only advice is to come clean with your fiancee, stop looking at these men online, go to church (not a crazy one), focus your eyes on God again, take up a hobby that will help you ease yourself out of this. Check out sandc's thread called prayer and encouragement if you want. 




IHaveAProblem said:


> I once asked for some counseling at a local sexual health clinic but I only got two sessions out of it before my 25th birthday. It was only free counseling for 18 - 25 year olds.
> The discussion I was having with her was about sexuality and all that I got out of it was that sexuality was fluid and not black and white. Especially when dealing with transsexuals who look and act he same as other women except for the fact that they have a man part, things can get pretty confusing. For me it was a turn on because its something unique, but its also an abomination in the eyes of God and I am always aware of that.
> I wouldn't want to marry on of these transsexuals because I wouldn't be able to reproduce and have a real marriage.
> I wouldn't leave my wife in future for a man because I am not a gay man. I tried watching gay porn and it did nothing at all for me. I was grossed out.
> Even with shemale porn I don't like the obvious cross dressers. Only the most feminine ones that can pull off the illusion that they were born as women.


Reality check. These are men dressed as women. Born men, have penises, balls, and testosterone. Might be taking estrogen pills to get some breasts. Please do not insult my womanhood. 

I am a woman. Yes, me (and your fiancee). You can't say that these guys are even close to being women. 

Wake up my friend. Open your eyes.


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## IHaveAProblem (May 1, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> You have to stop cheating. Go to a good church if that is the road you want to take, and get some counselling. Enough is enough. You know it's wrong. Just gather yourself together now and stop this where it's at. No more trannies.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She isn't my fiancee. But we have been thinking of getting engaged when she finishes uni next year. Even then it'll probably be at least two years before the actual wedding. I am just trying to prepare myself from today so that I will have dealt with my issues by that time. I want to marry this girl
Can I recover in time? Will I need more time? Will I never be able to recover?
How do I approach her with this subject?
Should I just lay everything bare all at once like I did in this thread? Or tell her a bit at a time and see how she adjusts to it?
Where is this thread by sandc that can help me?
Also I am going to see a military padre tomorrow to ask his advice on counselling for my infidelity and sex addiction. I don't know if I can trust him with information about the transsexuals. He may not understand and just give me a label as most of you have here already. You guys only know gay and straight. A professional in sexuality will know there is alot more than that so obviously this forum is not the place for me to discuss my sexuality. All I can get from you guys is help on stopping cheating and getting ready for marriage, not advice on my fetish.



Machiavelli said:


> You are.


Okay I am going to agree that I am gay just so we can move past the sexuality bit and focus on the rest. 
I am a gay man who has done many terrible things but wants to change and wants to get married and have kids with the current girlfriend in the next 3 years or so. Please help me out with good info, links and whatever you can so I can be faithful for once in my life. Please


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Please have a look at the links in my signature for sex addicts. Find a certified sex addictions counselor and be COMPLETELY HONEST with them. You need specialized help.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

> I started watching shemale porn again. I started thinking about if there were any transgender girls in my new location.





> I then dabbled with some transsexual escorts, paying three of them over 2 months.





> I am addicted to sex with transsexuals





> I want to be a good husband to a good wife. A good father my future children


Okay...so...you're saying you're NOT gay. Hmm. Alright.

Then you say you want to be a "good husband and father", yet you are addicted to transsexuals.

Yeah. I don't know...


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

IHaveAProblem said:


> She isn't my fiancee. But we have been thinking of getting engaged when she finishes uni next year. Even then it'll probably be at least two years before the actual wedding. I am just trying to prepare myself from today so that I will have dealt with my issues by that time. I want to marry this girl
> Can I recover in time? Will I need more time? Will I never be able to recover?
> How do I approach her with this subject?
> Should I just lay everything bare all at once like I did in this thread? Or tell her a bit at a time and see how she adjusts to it?
> ...


You have to tell your GF everything. Do not trickle truth. I know you want to but don't. She will leave you no doubt, so prepare yourself for that. Your GF cannot compete with a penis. She does not have one and never will. Also, there is the HIV issue. Easily transmitted through anal sex. I would be scared off. I'm sorry to be so frank, but I'm just being honest. You have to start realizing this is not a typical case here. This is different. 

Here's the link to sandc's thread. It's mostly for prayer and encouragement, you can talk about your issues. It's on God's turf if that's how you want to take it. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/politics-religion/71734-prayer-encouragement.html


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## IHaveAProblem (May 1, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> How are you going to feel 10 years from now knowing that if you told your W at any moment that you had sex with these men dressed as women...she would not be with you? Is that comforting? I say now is the time to admit to what you are doing, and see the truth of what this is.


I wouldn't feel good about that 10 years from now you are right. But though all my years of cheating and relationships I have come to find out that women NEVER want to know about ANYTHING that happened with an ex girlfriend or partner. Especially any sexual details. Any time I have brought up stuff like that in the past the girl has been terribly offended. Women always seem to want to be made to feel as though they are the only woman in the world or at least the most beautiful of them all. So I always have to be very careful what I say and I learned to confess nothing. If I confess I might as well just be wanting to break up, otherwise if I slip I've found its best to just leave it buried in the past, just how the girls like it. They don't want to know about it at all.
With something like this, me getting into the transsexuals, I can tell her how I got into the porn and that I enjoy it but there is no way I can tell her I have been with one during our relationship. I wouldn't even tell her I had been with one before I met her if I had.
I just want to be able to step away from all of that now and more forward, but move forward WITH her.



SomedayDig said:


> Okay...so...you're saying you're NOT gay. Hmm. Alright.
> 
> Then you say you want to be a "good husband and father", yet you are addicted to transsexuals.
> 
> Yeah. I don't know...


I wanted to be a husband and a father even before I got into this. Even before I met any of those transgirls. 
I didn't stop being attracted to women just because I discovered transsexuals, I just became fascinated with a brand new gender. A man made, unnatural gender but a gender all the same.
Point is, if I wasn't cheating on her with transsexuals I would have been cheating on her with women all the same!
I just happened to be with my current girl the time when I clicked on that advert to a tranny dating site.
It could have happened years earlier or years ahead from now if I didn't do that on that fateful day.
I hope you guys can understand this, I am a serial cheater who wants to stop and get married. Forget about who I cheated with, I cheated, thats what matters.



somethingelse said:


> You have to tell your GF everything. Do not trickle truth. I know you want to but don't. She will leave you no doubt, so prepare yourself for that. Your GF cannot compete with a penis. She does not have one and never will. Also, there is the HIV issue. Easily transmitted through anal sex. I would be scared off. I'm sorry to be so frank, but I'm just being honest. You have to start realizing this is not a typical case here. This is different.
> 
> Here's the link to sandc's thread. It's mostly for prayer and encouragement, you can talk about your issues. It's on God's turf if that's how you want to take it.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/politics-religion/71734-prayer-encouragement.html


Thanks for the links I will read them after posting this.
I cannot tell her the whole truth because it will be too much for her, we both know that. Confessions in the past have told me that and they were nowhere near this bad. I have cheated on this girl more than anybody else, like I said I grow worse as I get older. This whole thing has become like a cancer, I need to know how to cut it out once and for all so that I can live a healthy life with her without fear of anybody being hurt.
I have regular check ups at the clinic. Since I lost my virginity I go 2-3 times a year just to be sure I am clean.
My girlfriend and I always have sex bareback as she is on the pill.
I wear condoms with the transsexuals, except for when they give me oral. its still a risk I know but I have been getting the checks. In any case, I want to stop this.

I also don't want to end up kicking my fetish but then just going back to cheating with other women. I need to work out how to stop the cheating FIRST then deal with the fetish later if not at the same time.

Thanks so far for all the help and advice given. But there are some courses of action that I do not feel I can make right now, perhaps later on further reflection.
Still looking for more ideas.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You need to tell your girlfriend what you have been doing she needs to get checked for STDs. It's only fair to give her the choice to stay or leave. All truths come out eventually and you don't even know if you can trust yourself. You will ruin her life there is nothing worse for you to do to her than to hide this. Lying/concealing is worst than the cheating.

Being someone one who grew up in a church where being gay was prayed away. It never worked, sorry if you are a man and like penis tranny or not you are gay. The only reason you don't marry one is because you are embarrass to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

IHaveAProblem said:


> I wouldn't feel good about that 10 years from now you are right. But though all my years of cheating and relationships I have come to find out that women NEVER want to know about ANYTHING that happened with an ex girlfriend or partner. Especially any sexual details. Any time I have brought up stuff like that in the past the girl has been terribly offended. Women always seem to want to be made to feel as though they are the only woman in the world or at least the most beautiful of them all. So I always have to be very careful what I say and I learned to confess nothing. If I confess I might as well just be wanting to break up, otherwise if I slip I've found its best to just leave it buried in the past, just how the girls like it. They don't want to know about it at all.
> With something like this, me getting into the transsexuals, I can tell her how I got into the porn and that I enjoy it but there is no way I can tell her I have been with one during our relationship. I wouldn't even tell her I had been with one before I met her if I had.
> I just want to be able to step away from all of that now and more forward, but move forward WITH her.
> 
> ...


The reason women get offended if a man brings up past GF's is because unless we ask, don't say anything. It is offensive because it makes it look like you are bragging about it, or happy to tell about it. 

Also, you sound like my H when you say you don't want to tell your GF, you just want to move on and forget about it all. I get that you want it that way, but it's not sustainable. Like I said earlier, how will you live married to your GF knowing that this has gone on secretly? Knowing that she would leave you in the blink of an eye if you only told her the truth? Wouldn't that kill you inside?

I think you should give her the chance to decide what she wants to do about this. If she is willing to stay with you, great. If not, then thank goodness you both are not married yet or have children. 

I get what serial cheaters think like. I live with one. He's cheated on me with 14 women so far in 8 years I've been with him. I get that you are in turmoil with these thoughts going on in your head. But you still have to realize that no matter the outcome, you must come clean with this. The truth shall set you free more than anyone else.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

IHaveAProblem said:


> Forget about who I cheated with, I cheated, thats what matters.


Yes...that you are a serial cheater is no doubt. However, it is extremely important your sexual choice/preference. You obviously preferred the tranny cuz it's the best of both worlds. If you engaged in oral/anal sex with a tranny, but have not admitted that to the woman in your life, then you're living in the closet and she has no idea WHO you are and who you've been cheating with.

And that...is what matters most.

You can't just pick and choose. That'd be like someone who's addicted to crack but only seeks treatment for alcohol abuse.


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## IHaveAProblem (May 1, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> The reason women get offended if a man brings up past GF's is because unless we ask, don't say anything. It is offensive because it makes it look like you are bragging about it, or happy to tell about it.
> 
> Also, you sound like my H when you say you don't want to tell your GF, you just want to move on and forget about it all. I get that you want it that way, but it's not sustainable. Like I said earlier, how will you live married to your GF knowing that this has gone on secretly? Knowing that she would leave you in the blink of an eye if you only told her the truth? Wouldn't that kill you inside?
> 
> ...


God sees everything. He knows and he is the only one who needs to know. I used to talk with God all the time but as you know, sin drives a wedge between man and God and I have not been able to speak with him in a long time, which is why I come looking for help from man in places like this.
Just remember a few things here you guys.

1. Nobody sent me here, I sought this place out for myself because I know what I want is ultimately to be happily married with children. The way God intended it to be.
2. I'm not married or engaged right now but I want to be in some years from now.
3. I know what I have been doing is wrong. 
4. I know I wasn't born gay or anything like that. 
5. I know my fetish and porn addiction spiraled out of control
6. I know my early sexual experiences and peer pressure have had an adverse effect on the way I have developed into adulthood.
7. I know that having christian parents and a christian upbringing is what stops me from fully being able to live this lifestyle without feeling any guilt.
8. I WANT to change, BEFORE I get married and make the mistakes I've been making now in marriage. Just look at all the threads in this section. How many are like mine? (pre-marriage, wanting to stop it getting to that point during marriage).

Obviously I am a bad person who isn't deservng of a wife as things are right now.
But people can and do change during relationships, some change for the better and some change for the worse.
Sure I've hidden my bad changes from her best I can but if I can deal with this without her seeing and become the good guy why can't I just be the good guy from that point on? Why say to her, "By the way for a spell of time I went over to the darkside but don't worry I'm back now and its not going to happen again."

This is a need to know sort of thing. She hasn't caught me, except that one time when I left some evidence out.
I don't need to wait for her to catch me before I try to change, as many others do.
Why don't you guys help me to change in the ways you helped the WS/WHs before me? I'm not married so stop trying to push me to divorce my girlfriend.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

Good lord you are whiney.

Look no one made you bump uglies with a tranny. If you think you are a sex addict go get treated, it's almost needed if you plan on being in a long term relationship with someone without cheating.

Why don't you give this young lady the chance to make an informed decision? If she digs you and cope with it she has a right to know. The type of behaviour you engaged in, has a strong likelyhood of re-emerging at some time in the future, and don't you believe she has the right to make an informed decision if she wants to be in a relationship with you - given your givens?


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## IHaveAProblem (May 1, 2013)

carolinadreams said:


> Good lord you are whiney.
> 
> Look no one made you bump uglies with a tranny. If you think you are a sex addict go get treated, it's almost needed if you plan on being in a long term relationship with someone without cheating.
> 
> Why don't you give this young lady the chance to make an informed decision? If she digs you and cope with it she has a right to know. The type of behaviour you engaged in, has a strong likelyhood of re-emerging at some time in the future, and don't you believe she has the right to make an informed decision if she wants to be in a relationship with you - given your givens?


I am here looking for counseling. I am meeting a padre today. So far not one of you has offered me any website links or numbers or anywhere I can find a counselor. You just say get counseling. 
I really don't want this behaviour to re-emerge again, as you can see it always re-emerges worse than before. I get a newer more twisted fantasy from porn and you see what happens if I actually end up acting it out in real life.

I don't agree on her needing to be told what has happened. You just made me remember this scripture here:



John 8:1-11

New International Version (NIV)

8 1 but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.

2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, *“Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” *6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, *“Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”* 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, *“Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”*

11 *“No one, sir,”* she said.

*“Then neither do I condemn you,”* Jesus declared. *“Go now and leave your life of sin.”*



See what happened here?
Jesus never said, "Go and tell your spouse about all the times you cheated on him and whatever sexuality you and they other person are." 
He said go on, back to your husband but stop the evil deeds you have been doing thus far.

Once a sin has been forgiven it is forgotten. If I tell my girlfriend she may forgive but surely she will never forget, since we are human. Why even put her through that?
I am speaking from experience here. I am not a first time one accident cheater, I have done this alot throughout my life and always felt like confessing. Anytime I do nothing good comes of it and the cycle continues and grows worse.
I need to do it differently this time. I need to stop the cycle and work on myself so I can be a faithful partner.
If I deal with the porn I can deal with the fetishes that CAME from the porn. i.e. Sleeping with transsexuals.

Apologies if you think I am whiney, but that is the very least of my concerns right now. Being whiney in your opinion vs me trying to deal with all of this. Come on, be serious.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

But you haven't repented to her.

Cars have lemon laws.

Houses and property transactions have disclosure rules.

Dude if you think it's a good idea not to give a person to make up their own mind about your past, you are deceiving yourself and her, and no scripture justifies deception.

You can google up a sexual addiction counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist in your area in less than 5 minutes. You are in a form of denial, and the shame of this owns you, until you break past the shame, and get some professional targeted help, your addictions will resurface.
Until you own it will continue to own you and you will rationalize a 1,000 more bad decisions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IHaveAProblem said:


> I am here looking for counseling. I am meeting a padre today. So far not one of you has offered me any website links or numbers or anywhere I can find a counselor. You just say get counseling.


No one here is a counselor. We are people who are here to get help and to give some help. What you need to get through these issues is far more than anyone can give you on this forum.
How can we give you info on how to find a counselor? We don’t even know where you live. Do a web search for the town/city you live in and “sexual addiction counselor”.
What we can do for you here is to talk with you and be some backup support for yo.



IHaveAProblem said:


> I really don't want this behaviour to re-emerge again, as you can see it always re-emerges worse than before. I get a newer more twisted fantasy from porn and you see what happens if I actually end up acting it out in real life.


Have you considered stopping your viewing of porn? If you are keep acting out the twisted stuff you see, then quit looking at the twisted stuff. One of the signs of a sexual addiction is the escalation of behavior. Once you have tried something you need to go try something even more twisted.


IHaveAProblem said:


> I don't agree on her needing to be told what has happened.
> ……
> Once a sin has been forgiven it is forgotten. If I tell my girlfriend she may forgive but surely she will never forget, since we are human. Why even put her through that?
> I am speaking from experience here. I am not a first time one accident cheater, I have done this alot throughout my life and always felt like confessing. Anytime I do nothing good comes of it and the cycle continues and grows worse.
> ...


You can try to not tell her. But just keep in mind that she will very likely find out at some point. And when she does it’s going to be devastating. Suppose you go on for a few more years and have children . Then she finds out. She divorces you. Now not only are the two of you hurt.. but your children are permanently hurt by this.

Your behavior is high risk sexual behavior. You are very likely to get a serious STD from it. You will need to tell your gf/wife about it. And then your life goes to hell in a hand basket.
How often do you get tested for STD’s? When was the last time?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Elegirl is right, the counseling you need is beyond a forum like this.
I am not sure a Padre has enough training for this either.

If you are sexually identifying with a female/ submissive role and you are not gay, or just seeking different stimulation, then you may have some identity issues to sort out.

That is nothing to be ashamed of, so get some help. You are still developing, and its not uncommon for that to go into your 20's and its more common in conservative societies.

If you are desiring to be dominated and possessed in a feminine way and still have a desire as a male for something like the softness of a females chest and to connect with the femnine, you should explore through counseling what your needs truly are, dont run from them.

It sounds like your are ojectifying yourself and your partners in your sexual roles. This is one of the effects of early porn use.

I commend you for wanting to be a better person for yourself ,and your future wife and family. Lying and cheating are things that you should run from.

You have time to work this out and I'm sure that God will walk with you as you do, but being honest and respecting yourself and others is what being human is all about, we are not dog and cats, dont be selfish and use others in a way that hurts them.

I wish you well,
Take care!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

IHaveAProblem said:


> So far not one of you has offered me any website links or numbers or anywhere I can find a counselor.


Scuse me?? What am I, fried chicken??




Hope1964 said:


> Please have a look at the links in my signature for sex addicts. Find a certified sex addictions counselor and be COMPLETELY HONEST with them. You need specialized help.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

IHaveAProblem said:


> God sees everything. He knows and he is the only one who needs to know. I used to talk with God all the time but as you know, sin drives a wedge between man and God and I have not been able to speak with him in a long time, which is why I come looking for help from man in places like this.
> Just remember a few things here you guys.
> 
> 1. Nobody sent me here, I sought this place out for myself because I know what I want is ultimately to be happily married with children. The way God intended it to be.
> ...


IHAP. No one is telling you to leave your GF. I was saying that it would be decent of you to tell her what she doesn't know. I would be very angry if my H hid that from me before we got married. In fact, here's an example for you:

My H slept with his ExGF for a full week before our wedding and right after our wedding again. I was pregnant and I had went to go get my own wedding gown by myself, I had none of my family at our wedding because he wanted his grandmother to witness our marriage, so my family could not come it was too far away. 

My point here is, I would have LOVED to know what his plans were on our way to our wedding. I would have LOVED to know that he didn't truly give a hoot that we were getting married. I would have loved to know what his mind was REALLY on. Did my H want to marry me? YES. HE DID. He cannot see himself without me. 

BUT, that's SELFISH of him. That was a very selfish, underminded thing he did. He left me for the dogs, married me, and I had no clue all of this was going on. Now that I look back, I wish I could have known the truth, and made a decision for MYSELF whether I wanted to marry him still or not. 

If your GF marries you, and one day the guilt inside you eats you away....you will most likely end up telling her everything. And she will NOT be happy. It will then eat her up inside and she may even divorce you for lying to her for that long, for luring her into marriage through lies, for being with trannies, for serial cheating. 

Please do not think I want you and your GF to be separated. I simply ask that you tell her, so she can make an informed decision for herself. You may lose her, but you will have been honest and given her a chance to love you for who you are and not what you have been. If not, then you have to move on, and learn from this


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

IHaveAProblem said:


> God sees everything. He knows and he is the only one who needs to know. I used to talk with God all the time but as you know, sin drives a wedge between man and God and I have not been able to speak with him in a long time, which is why I come looking for help from man in places like this.
> Just remember a few things here you guys.
> 
> 1. Nobody sent me here, I sought this place out for myself because I know what I want is ultimately to be happily married with children. The way God intended it to be.
> ...


My friend this will haunt you will the end of your days. Especially if you don't tell her. This will sit in the back of your mind. You will always be waiting for the shoe to drop and she find out the truth. Redemption is earned my friend it is swept under a rug. It may hurt you and her like hell for her to know the truth. But if you come clean that truth won't be there and you can have a marriage.

Any and all programs to get you over this sexual addiction have a part that pretty much tell you to go to the people you have wronged and apologize. You even know are living more in fear of her knowing the truth than you getting better. 
If you want to be married you have to get yourself in to the right place in order to make the marriage work. You are an addict right now. You know you can't get over it alone and your fear of being alone is holding you back from progress. You have two choices. Come clean and get help and let your demons go. If she stays great if she doesn't then you can get your act together and find someone else. Or you can hold on to this be in a relation ship base don lies. Never be emotionally close to your wife because you will always be preparing for her to leave you. And continue with your current behavior. I believe in God my friend and god will meet you halfway here. but you have to be willing to write the wrongs you have done. REpenting to God is not always enough especially when your wrongs are and will be affecting the person that has 100% trust in you. So make your choice i hope you choose the path that lets you live free from you addiction.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sorry you don't feel like anyone is helping you, but no one can tell you want you want to hear because you are in denial.
You want to hear us say, it's ok don't tell your girlfriend she''ll never know. 

But you have put her in high risks for StDs which will also affect your childen if she is positive for anything. Some STds give female cancer do you think that fair to put her at this risk?
You don't want to tell her because she may not want of stay with you and for good reason, but not telling her you are tricking her and if she finds out the damage will be much worse. Plus, it's not fair for her to be wasting her time with you living in a lie. If you have childen, the damage you will cause her will pass on to the kids, they will find out too. 


You want to hear that you can change, yes you can but you have to start changing by cleaning out all your behavior. All addicts are told to ask for forgiveness to the people they have hurt. This means confreffesing. You can't change if you continue to lie because you are not getting rid
of the habbit if betraying someone's trust. 

You cannot change your sexual peferenses, there is no pill, or magic the can do that.

You can't compare your self the bible passage "Jesus never said, "Go and tell your spouse about all the times you cheated on him and whatever sexuality you and they other person are." 
He said go on, back to your husband but stop the evil deeds you have been doing thus far."
Every one knew her lifestyle, it nowhere says that her husband did not know her sins. Jesus never told her to not tell him."

You cannot change by continuing to lie. You are being selfish by not letting your GF know the truth, and personally I think that's your worst sin of all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

It's good that you are getting religious counseling but, you need to see a medical professional as well. A priest can give you spiritual advice but, you need an expert to treat you for your addictions. You don't go to the Dr and ask for spiritual advice do you?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist


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## IHaveAProblem (May 1, 2013)

Thank you all for these great responses. You have really given me alot to think about and consider. I guess the writing is on the wall. I did do too much and now I'm doomed no matter which way I go about it. In the end I lose her, but in losing her I get a chance to start over.
And only counselling will be able to keep me in check.
If I am going to tell her I might as well keep it brief, why cause extra pain? I mean if just telling her I was thinking about cheating while she was away will be enough to break her heart and make her leave why bother telling her the rest?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

IHaveAProblem said:


> Thank you all for these great responses. You have really given me alot to think about and consider. I guess the writing is on the wall. I did do too much and now I'm doomed no matter which way I go about it. In the end I lose her, but in losing her I get a chance to start over.
> And only counselling will be able to keep me in check.
> If I am going to tell her I might as well keep it brief, why cause extra pain? I mean if just telling her I was thinking about cheating while she was away will be enough to break her heart and make her leave why bother telling her the rest?


Because she may not leave you if you just tell her that. And then you are bound in lies for so long as you can bear it


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

So you will continue to lie, wow. What about the STD exposure? Don't you understand you have put her at high risk?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Look....there's the 3 billy goats gruff..

Look I think I see IHaveAProblem under the bridge.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

IHaveAProblem said:


> I am here looking for counseling. I am meeting a padre today. So far not one of you has offered me any website links or numbers or anywhere I can find a counselor. You just say get counseling.
> I really don't want this behaviour to re-emerge again, as you can see it always re-emerges worse than before. I get a newer more twisted fantasy from porn and you see what happens if I actually end up acting it out in real life.


If you're here looking for counseling, I'd also point out that there are links to counselors at the top of each page, on the right of each page and at the bottom of each post.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

IHaveAProblem said:


> Thank you all for these great responses. You have really given me alot to think about and consider. I guess the writing is on the wall. I did do too much and now I'm doomed no matter which way I go about it. In the end I lose her, but in losing her I get a chance to start over.
> And only counselling will be able to keep me in check.
> If I am going to tell her I might as well keep it brief, why cause extra pain? I mean if just telling her I was thinking about cheating while she was away will be enough to break her heart and make her leave why bother telling her the rest?


No, no, no, You simply tell her the truth, "I am not in control of my own sexuality, I do not deserve you and I dont think I am fit to have a relationship with anyone right now. I am getting help for myself to become a better man. You need to know that I have cheated on you with ....men and woman, etc...I am so sorry you deserve so much better. I will always regret the pain I have cause you, and I want it to end today. I do care for you as a person and I am deeply sorry for treating you and our relationship this way".


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Decorum said:


> No, no, no, You simply tell her the truth, "I am not in control of my own sexuality, I do not deserve you and I dont think I am fit to have a relationship with anyone right now. I am getting help for myself to become a better man. You need to know that I have cheated on you with ....men and woman, etc...I am so sorry you deserve so much better. I will always regret the pain I have cause you, and I want it to end today. I do care for you as a person and I am deeply sorry for treating you and our relationship this way".


:iagree: Really good way to approach this


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

> I did do too much and now I'm doomed no matter which way I go about it.


Translation: I don't have control of my actions, I am a person that stuff happens to.



> In the end I lose her, but in losing her I get a chance to start over.


Translation: I should be able to control people, and their reactions to my actions.

Go get counseling. Leave the porn alone. Assume responsibility for your own actions. Develop an ear for when you are rationalizing.


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## IHaveAProblem (May 1, 2013)

Decorum said:


> No, no, no, You simply tell her the truth, "I am not in control of my own sexuality, I do not deserve you and I dont think I am fit to have a relationship with anyone right now. I am getting help for myself to become a better man. You need to know that I have cheated on you with ....men and woman, etc...I am so sorry you deserve so much better. I will always regret the pain I have cause you, and I want it to end today. I do care for you as a person and I am deeply sorry for treating you and our relationship this way".


Well I told her that I am bisexual. I tried to end it. She said she already knew from that time she saw my profile on that site. She said she looked up the site later to see what sort of place it was and she knew it was about transgender people and she had already discussed it with friends, one which who is gay and figured Iwould just go further underground with it (as I did).
She said she was angry with me for so long for not telling her the truth. I still can't tell her about the cheating though.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Yeah crush her one lie at a time so she can be fully traumatized over and over.

Do you realize how bad you are treating her?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Yeah crush her one lie at a time so she can be fully traumatized over and over.
> 
> Do you realize how bad you are treating her?


THIS.

And don't forget when it all comes out to blame _her _for not understanding *you*.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

OP, do you know that when you care about someone you put them first. All you have been doing is thinking about yourself and thats very selfish. You are putting her in a high health and mental risk. A person can only handle so much, by throwing her all these things one at a time you are deepening the trauma one blow at a time.


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## IHaveAProblem (May 1, 2013)

Well she already said she considered me being on there and messaging people as cheating. I think on here you guys call it an 'EA'.
So I admitted to her that yes I did cheat in that manner and I did see myself wanting to be with those people.
Now I'm trying to cut her off but she really wants me to come and see her. I keep making excuses not to come but the truth is that as soon as I told her this I took on one of these transsexuals as a new girlfriend. Like I said before, I am not in the habit of being single.
So I have decided to fight the cheating problem and the porn problem but have a trans girlfriend for once and be faithful to that one.
But my new ex is messaging me saying she accepts me for who I am and that she feels I am now just using my sexual orientation as an excuse to break up and shut her out because she doesn't want to break up with me even though I have hurt her and lied to her and the trust is broken.
What am I to do now?
There is a new twist with each new day it seems.
I also started telling friends at work about my dual sexuality and so far they don't seem bothered at all.
Though they all agreed it was for the best that I broke up with the girlfriend.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Okay. There ya go. The closet door is wide open. Now you can be out there and llloooove every minute of it!


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

You pick the wrong quote for sin. Pleaes read

Other sayings of Jesus teach us regarding the nature of sin itself. Sin is a master to whom we become enslaved (John 8:34). Only the truth will set us free (John 8:32). 


You have become enslaved and speaking the "whole truth" to your partner will set you free. I am sure Jesus would have had the woman also tell here husband this also.


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## IHaveAProblem (May 1, 2013)

sirdano said:


> You pick the wrong quote for sin. Pleaes read
> 
> Other sayings of Jesus teach us regarding the nature of sin itself. Sin is a master to whom we become enslaved (John 8:34). Only the truth will set us free (John 8:32).
> 
> ...


Good passages, you are right but I have set her free in a less painful way. I heard someone say once that the truth is always either really boring or really terrible. It might have been from some film I heard this but in any case, my full truth is really terrible.
She may be able to recover and live her life to the fullest just knowing that my bi side was what ruined things for our future wedding plans. Rather than have her mistrust all men and tar them all with the serial cheater porn addict brush.
I let her go, so I am not trying to be the one in control anymore. its done with now and I am not letting her come back because that will just be a fresh can of worms (cheating and possibly more hurt, discovery/truths etc.)

Thanks everybody for trying to help me out here. Got some results in the end even though nothng went the way any of us; including me, expected.
This thread is done with. Might as well close it now.


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