# He isn't backing me up. Fundamental shift in my feelings for him.



## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

I was married for 25 years with 2 grown children, he was married for 15, one teenager. We have been together for 3 years. Living together for 1. His teen daughter comes over every other weekend and the occasional week day. 

We have one issue we can not get past. I believe my home is my sanctuary, and my bedroom and bath off limits to anyone but me and my partner. My children were not allowed in my room or bathroom without asking first. No one thought it odd. I never went in my parents bedroom without permission. 

He on the other hand can not understand why I do not want his daughter in my bedroom or bathroom. I've told him over and over it's not HER, its anyone. This is my private space. If she were to ask me to use my bathroom, I would have absolutely no issue with it. But she feels free to walk in and out my bedroom and bathroom anytime she likes. I've even shut the door, but that doesn't stop her (she does not come in when I am in the bedroom). 

Once again, we've had this argument about this topic. He simply can not see why I find this important. I am a giving person, I will give even if I do without. I have no selfishness in me (which is NOT a good thing sometimes). I firmly believe that as the adult in the home, I have certain perks. My own private bathroom, parking spot in the drive way, etc. Maybe it boils down to respect, I don't know. I can not further explain why this is important to me. It just is. But really that's not the reason for my post.

The point of my post - Have you ever had such a disagreement over a relatively small issue with your lover/spouse that you look at them differently afterwards? As if there was a fundamental shift in the relationship (on your part) and you just knew your feelings may never be the same again?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Not really. I can't say I have felt that over something that does seem rather trivial.

I think you are taking this perceived lack of respect too far. I think, in your stance on getting the respect for your personal space, you haven't tried to understand what message this sends to your H's daughter, because that is HIS space too. 

You are seeking to be understood without seeking to understand. And that is the problem. You expect them to understand your need without understanding their need. 

In most families, the kids enter the bedroom and bathroom at will and feel cut off when that is denied them. Shut doors must be respected but if the room is not in use it is open. Yes it's part of your space but it is also part of their space and denying them entrance is cutting them off from you. Asking you H to get his daughter to stay out of his bedroom and bathroom is asking your H to deny his daughter access to a part of him.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

I know I'm not answering your specific question, but....several things strike me:
1) You say in the end it is a "relatively small issue", but obviously from your own description it is anything but small.
2) Have you had a direct conversation with your SD about your private space?
3) Although I agree to a certain extent with Anon above, I also think your spouse doesn't need to understand your reasons and you don't need to justify them. They just are and he should respect that. That isn't universal, but for the issue you are describing, I think they (H & SD) should just accept it.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Not really. I can't say I have felt that over something that does seem rather trivial.
> 
> I think you are taking this perceived lack of respect too far. I think, in your stance on getting the respect for your personal space, you haven't tried to understand what message this sends to your H's daughter, because that is HIS space too.
> 
> ...


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

pb76no said:


> I know I'm not answering your specific question, but....several things strike me:
> 1) You say in the end it is a "relatively small issue", but obviously from your own description it is anything but small.
> 2) Have you had a direct conversation with your SD about your private space?
> 3) Although I agree to a certain extent with Anon above, I also think your spouse doesn't need to understand your reasons and you don't need to justify them. They just are and he should respect that. That isn't universal, but for the issue you are describing, I think they (H & SD) should just accept it.


Yes I have had multiple conversations about my private space. He feels that since he does not have primary custody, he will not put any rules on her. She has run of the house when she is here. 

Probably my biggest mistake was moving in to his house he shared with his exwife. His daughter is used to doing things "the way they always have" and I am the bad guy. We should have just bought a new house together.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

I think you are exactly right - if this was "their" house, it makes it much harder to establish "new" rules. I think it also helps explain why your "space" is so important to you - if I am reading between the lines correctly.


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## notsocool (Jul 4, 2010)

My Husband feels exactly as you do regarding bedroom/bath access and my two teenage sons.
Before our relationship my boys used to knock and come in, or wander in if I wasn't there.
I realised very early on it was an issue for my husband and respected it was important to him.
Without making a big deal of it I told the boys that things had changed (stating the obvious as now sharing bedroom with H)
And the rooms were our private area.
I do miss them having that access, but things do change and I see them everywhere else in the house.
Bottom line was it mattered a lot to my H
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I think it's very odd. There, I said it. This is a house, not some defense department facility to which access to certain rooms is given via security badge and background check by the FBI. I think the fact it's such an odd request, even though you dismiss what other families do, is part of the reason you're not getting compliance as you wish. I think it's perceived as a whim, something weird that can be indulged, but not taken seriously. 

I could see if the child, yes, she is a child of his, came in when you two were intimate or at odd hours, but you didn't say that. It seems that this girl can't ever step foot in the adult bedroom or adult bathroom. Ever. For whatever reason. THAT is odd. I don't know anyone else that does that, so I'm sure it's perceived as odd by her as well despite whatever others may tell you and they may tell you what you want to hear. Perhaps their true feelings about this are kept to themselves. 

I don't think her room should be off limits to you either. That is just as odd to me. Yes, she's entitled to a certain amount of privacy given that she's a teenager, but if she had a teen of the opposite sex, or if you or your husband suspected she might be drinking/doing drugs/something else illegal/doing something else against the family rules, you'd be perfectly within your rights to inspect it. Even without those things, it's fine to go in to talk to her, help clean it up, whatever. The whole concept of entire rooms in the house being completely off limits at all times is strange. I can see that happening for toddlers who might break things, but at a certain age unless there's something in the room itself that had to be kept away from others, why deny access at all times to that room?

Your post doesn't make it clear how often she comes into the private bedroom/private bathroom. How often does she come? Or as I suspect, does that not even matter. Even one time during one of her stays is bad, right? 

If you look at the entirety of your relationship with him, is this issue the only problem you have with him. It comes down to picking your battles. Is this really worth getting upset about? Clearly for me, no, but you have a different take on it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IDK. We've never had any 'off limits' places in our house, unless a door is locked (and we all know what's going on then...)

DD22 uses my makeup, my shower, my bathtub...cos they're all better than hers. 

This doesn't seem to be about the girl so much as your H not accepting your needs.

Have you two read His Needs Her Needs together?


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

Coffee - I actually said if she asked she would be allowed to use my room and/or bathroom. I've often walked into my bedroom to change clothes, read, take a bath, pee, find a moments peace (you get the picture) and find her in my bathroom doing her makeup or showering (or whatever). I should not have to wait on her to do the things I need to do. She has her very own bathroom. It's fully stocked. THere is no one else that uses her bathroom. 

And here, let me say this. I find it so very odd that YOU have no problem with others using your private space as they see fit. I simply can not see how that works. But, I certainly respect that is how you feel. I find it disconcerting that others would view my private space as if it weren't private at all. See how that works?


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

turnera said:


> IDK. We've never had any 'off limits' places in our house, unless a door is locked (and we all know what's going on then...)
> 
> DD22 uses my makeup, my shower, my bathtub...cos they're all better than hers.
> 
> ...


No I have not read that book. My dd25 would never use my bathroom without asking me first. 

Yes, thank you! It's not so much his daughter, it is exactly that he is not accepting what I need. I worry I am beginning to resent all the times I've backed him up (even if I didn't 100% agree with him). I do not want to start resenting giving into his way on so many things simply because he felt more passionate. That sounds cryptic. Let me give an example. Meal times for my household were spent at the dinner table, no tvs, no phones, no books. We talked to one another. We laughed, we sat in silence. We might flick peas at one another. :rofl: That was important to my family. But now, at his house, he likes to sit in front of the tv and eat every meal. UGH. But, Ok, he sure loves his TV. Guess where most of our meals are spent? And please everyone, don't jump down my throat on that example.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I do understand the importance of Family Dinner. I agree it should be required. You should put your foot down about it. In private. Or in front of a counselor.

That said, I think that you have bigger issues than private things. For example, in a blended family, I would REQUIRE that we have a state of the family discussion once a week where we talk about how things are going, who's upset with what - a SAFE environment where no one is allowed to jump to defend themselves but rather is required to listen to the other people and then go away and think about it.

But you seem to have trouble requiring anything. Is that your SOP? You back down when people push? That's something that YOU will have to address in your own therapy, maybe.

Gosh, so many problems in such a short number of posts.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

MissMe....I think having a blended family is just difficult. These kinds of issues are to be expected.

That said, when you are saying "meal times in my household were..." you may not realize it, but you are projecting that "the way you used to do it" was the *RIGHT* way.

And of course, there is no *RIGHT* way.

But as long as you secretly do believe that your old way was the *RIGHT* way and your husband's way is the *WRONG* way, then you can't really find any middle ground.

How about you come up with *YOUR NEW WAY*, as a couple, which may be completely different than either of your ways were before?

I also recommend His Needs Her Needs, and the great emotional needs and love busters questionaries from the Marriage Builders site.

The thing about his daugther and your private space...I can understand where you are coming from, it makes sense to me. Not because I felt that way with my own kids and my space, but because when I got remarried and my 2nd husband became my kids' step-father (after he had been a batchelor for many years), he required a level of privacy and "his space" that I had to come to respect (and make my kids follow the new expectations). It wasn't easy, but it worked out eventually.

But here's the thing: kids grow up and move away! So these types of issues always eventually work themselves out.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

turnera said:


> I do understand the importance of Family Dinner. I agree it should be required. You should put your foot down about it. In private. Or in front of a counselor.
> 
> That said, I think that you have bigger issues than private things. For example, in a blended family, I would REQUIRE that we have a state of the family discussion once a week where we talk about how things are going, who's upset with what - a SAFE environment where no one is allowed to jump to defend themselves but rather is required to listen to the other people and then go away and think about it.
> 
> ...


Oh thank you for the laughter! I have no clue what "Is that your SOP?" means. Not sure where you get that I back down when people push? I am capable of backing down or not, depends on the situation. I've never been called a doormat, but I probably won't steam roll over you, either.

Was that a back handed compliment on being succinct? :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Uh, no.

SOP = standard operating procedure.

Let's see, you want Family Dinner but you didn't get it.

You want DSD out of your room but you didn't get it.

You wanted attention from your husband but you got him in front of a tv instead.

Where are you not backing down?


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> MissMe....I think having a blended family is just difficult. These kinds of issues are to be expected.
> 
> That said, when you are saying "meal times in my household were..." you may not realize it, but you are projecting that "the way you used to do it" was the *RIGHT* way.
> 
> ...


I was actually not saying that is the RIGHT way, I realize it's actually the ODD way to do meal time. Kinda leave it to beaverish, huh?  I do love a sit down family dinner though, even if it's not the way of the world these days.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Actually, it's commonly believed among professionals that Family Dinner - or rather the demise of it - is one of the leading causes of the destruction of family values today. It's the ONE time each day that parents can discuss issues and TEACH kids the values they hold, where you aren't inundated and preoccupied with TV, computer, games, texting, and whatnot.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

ah, we've found a common ground


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sure. But you still aren't standing up for what you want. No wonder your feelings have shifted. You're on that passive aggressive track, where your resentment will grow because you didn't stand up for what you want, and you expect him to read your mind, and then it's all his fault.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

turnera said:


> Sure. But you still aren't standing up for what you want. No wonder your feelings have shifted. You're on that passive aggressive track, where your resentment will grow because you didn't stand up for what you want, and you expect him to read your mind, and then it's all his fault.


You've based your opinion on 2 scenarios. We've found common ground on (listen to this part) 99% of the rest of our relationship. If either of us cared only about having things our individual ways, we'd have both stayed single. 

Passive aggressive is such a fun theory to bandy with, but not applicable in this case. I am worried about resentment, but not for the reasons you think. He knows exactly how I feel, and god knows I don't expect him to read my mind. We have had discussion after discussion after discussion, we can not agree on this one issue (bedroom/bathroom). I take full responsibility for every single feeling and act I have ever done. The only fault I'm having with him is he isn't backing me up on this issue. I don't understand why not, but it's not from lack of discussion.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok. So what happens now?


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

turnera said:


> Ok. So what happens now?


Exactly.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

So you've talked about it, he knows how you feel, he feels equally strongly that his daughter be able to use his bedroom and bathroom.

So now you accept it or you leave.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

MissMe said:


> I was married for 25 years with 2 grown children, he was married for 15, one teenager. We have been together for 3 years. Living together for 1. His teen daughter comes over every other weekend and the occasional week day.
> 
> We have one issue we can not get past. I believe my home is my sanctuary, and my bedroom and bath off limits to anyone but me and my partner. My children were not allowed in my room or bathroom without asking first. No one thought it odd. I never went in my parents bedroom without permission.
> 
> ...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did his daughter live with him or visit him in that home before you moved in with him? So he (and she) were used to the master bedroom and bath being totally "his" bedroom and bath? 

If that's the case, I just don't think you are going to win that argument. Because it's not really "your" bedroom and bath. It's one you share with him and he doesn't have a problem with his daughter going in there.

ETA: I just read he shared that home with his ex-wife so his daughter lived there. And "your" bedroom was the bedroom her parents shared? Yes, that's a minefield. You aren't likely to come out ahead in that argument.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I have the same rules in my house regarding bedrooms but I also respect their space too. It's a mutual respect, I knock first. The only time the rule flies out the window is health and safety.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think the excellent point Turnera was trying to make is that the vision you have of family life, in general, isn't being recognized.

You want family dinners, but they're not happening.
You want quality time with you H, but that's not happening.
You want your space respected, and that's not happening. On this issue, you are taking a stand. Maybe because it is personal space as opposed to altering someone's lifestyle.

I wonder, not that it makes a difference, but if you got your family dinners and if your H made more of an effort for quality time, would the personal space be as defining an issue as it is?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

MissMe said:


> Coffee - I actually said if she asked she would be allowed to use my room and/or bathroom. I've often walked into my bedroom to change clothes, read, take a bath, pee, find a moments peace (you get the picture) and find her in my bathroom doing her makeup or showering (or whatever). I should not have to wait on her to do the things I need to do. She has her very own bathroom. It's fully stocked. THere is no one else that uses her bathroom.


From a purely practical point of view, it doesn't make sense for your SD to use your bathroom for showering and applying makeup, when she has one of her own.

However, she grew up in your home and it's unlikely to have been an issue for her mother, so she is simply doing what she has always done... But as her SM, you don't share that bond or history with your SD, and this is probably one of the reasons why you are uncomfortable with the situation.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask your H to gently ask his DD to use her own bathroom for showering and applying makeup.

Regarding mealtimes, I don't believe it's a good habit to habitually eat meals in front of a TV, as it distracts us from what we're eating and can lead to unhealthy eating habits. Also, mealtimes are the ideal opportunity for families to bond and connect with another in a relaxed atmosphere.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> In most families, the kids enter the bedroom and bathroom at will and feel cut off when that is denied them.


Not in my family. The master suite (bed/bath) is off limits to the kiddos except for urgent need or via invitation. Urgent need means problems in the middle of the night or daytime pee emergencies.

Gotta have one bath in the house where bubble gum toothpaste is off-limits, towel bars are still firmly bolted to the walls and no one takes flying leaps onto the toilet. :rofl:


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

MissMe said:


> Yes I have had multiple conversations about my private space. *He feels that since he does not have primary custody, he will not put any rules on her. She has run of the house when she is here. *


This is the issue...not the bathroom, not the private space, not even the family dinner. THIS one thing will undermine your relationship with your husband to the core. The reason why you titled your thread "He isn't backing me up." is because you feel like your stepdaughter has a separate set of rules from everyone else. And, to top it off, you feel like the SD is some sort of mini-wife, which he is in danger of turning her into. He cannot give into the guilt she throws his way because it elevates her position in the home, and frankly, it's threatening to you as his wife. It is subtle and it is hurtful to you as his wife. You need to be put as #1, and your boundaries need to be respected. 

Read through some of the threads in the forum linked below and tell me some of the feelings expressed don't sound familiar.

Adult Stepchildren Issues | Step Talk

Stories like that are where you are headed if this isn't dealt with early. Your SD will push and push and push until she weasles herself into being some sort of mini-wife. She needs to respect your position in the home as her Dad's wife.

This boundary issue, YOUR boundary issue needs to be addressed with your SD BY your husband. He needs to stand up to her and be clear on what the family expectations are. Period. You are not making unreasonable requests, and your husband DOES need to back you up. He needs to handle his daughters' sh!t tests (you better believe he gets them from her as well) and stand his ground. She doesn't get everything she wants.

Trust me, I have been through this. It took me AGES to finally wrap my head around the problem and in the meantime, it seriously wounded my marriage.


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## elizabethdennis (Jan 16, 2013)

MissMe said:


> The point of my post - Have you ever had such a disagreement over a relatively small issue with your lover/spouse that you look at them differently afterwards? As if there was a fundamental shift in the relationship (on your part) and you just knew your feelings may never be the same again?


Luckily, me and my husband never had an issue that affected our feelings for each other. Well not ate least on my part. But we are only on the 5th year of our marriage. I guess it's too early to tell.


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## deborahdrreamer (Mar 18, 2013)

is this a "spare" or 2nd bathroom?... if yes, then I agree with you, bathrooms are nescessity, but also personal. If she has her needs met with acsess to a bathroom to use,. why does she need to impeed on your personal space? Our homes are our santuaries, and if she has her bathrooms needs met, by acsess to other bathroom facilities at her father's residence; then I would wonder...and ask, why it is such a big deal that you ask a daughter not to insist on sharing facilities as well as control with dad's spouse? I didn't read a lot of the responses, but the few I read were disagreeing with this person's post, saying it wasn't such a big deal...ect. I disagree. I was never welcome in my parents private space/ bathroom and bedroom (for personal use)...we had our own equal toilet/bath ateas and we had shared family space...without writing a novol, am I understansding correctly, that a lot of responses on here are saying It Is Not okay for parents to have any exclusive space of their own? Maybe I'm wrong but this one seemed like a no brainer to me?


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

ManUp said:


> This is the issue...not the bathroom, not the private space, not even the family dinner. THIS one thing will undermine your relationship with your husband to the core. The reason why you titled your thread "He isn't backing me up." is because you feel like your stepdaughter has a separate set of rules from everyone else. And, to top it off, you feel like the SD is some sort of mini-wife, which he is in danger of turning her into. He cannot give into the guilt she throws his way because it elevates her position in the home, and frankly, it's threatening to you as his wife. It is subtle and it is hurtful to you as his wife. You need to be put as #1, and your boundaries need to be respected.
> 
> Read through some of the threads in the forum linked below and tell me some of the feelings expressed don't sound familiar.
> 
> ...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

MissMe said:


> Coffee - I actually said if she asked she would be allowed to use my room and/or bathroom. I've often walked into my bedroom to change clothes, read, take a bath, pee, find a moments peace (you get the picture) and find her in my bathroom doing her makeup or showering (or whatever). I should not have to wait on her to do the things I need to do. She has her very own bathroom. It's fully stocked. THere is no one else that uses her bathroom.


I went through a similar issue with my SD, I moved into their family home too. She had a seperate bathroom but always used the master bath for some reason. I would not have minded sharing except for the fact that she was an absolute PIG..she never picked up ANYTHING after herself, there was mess from one end of the bathroom to the other when she finished. So once she started using the other bathroom I never crabbed about her mess! 

My stepkids (and my kid) always knocked if we were in our bedroom.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

Thank you for the steptalk.org information. Good stuff over there.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

deborahdrreamer said:


> is this a "spare" or 2nd bathroom?... if yes, then I agree with you, bathrooms are nescessity, but also personal. If she has her needs met with acsess to a bathroom to use,. why does she need to impeed on your personal space? Our homes are our santuaries, and if she has her bathrooms needs met, by acsess to other bathroom facilities at her father's residence; then I would wonder...and ask, why it is such a big deal that you ask a daughter not to insist on sharing facilities as well as control with dad's spouse? I didn't read a lot of the responses, but the few I read were disagreeing with this person's post, saying it wasn't such a big deal...ect. I disagree. I was never welcome in my parents private space/ bathroom and bedroom (for personal use)...we had our own equal toilet/bath ateas and we had shared family space...without writing a novol, am I understansding correctly, that a lot of responses on here are saying It Is Not okay for parents to have any exclusive space of their own? Maybe I'm wrong but this one seemed like a no brainer to me?


Thank you for your post. We have two bathrooms. One is hers and one is ours (off the master). And yes, I thought it was a no brainer too. :scratchhead:


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

elizabethdennis said:


> Luckily, me and my husband never had an issue that affected our feelings for each other. Well not ate least on my part. But we are only on the 5th year of our marriage. I guess it's too early to tell.


Ah...thank you. That was the actual question I had, but I apparently gave way too much background and my question was lost.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your home, your rules. The same rules apply in our home as well and for very good reason. Curious children snoop. There are plenty of things in my room that I do not want my children seeing or getting into. My oldest child is an adult. She helps herself in my room to my things when she is over. It infuriates me to no end. She has no respect or boundaries when it comes to other people's possessions.

Your husband should be backing you up and supporting you.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

I grew up knowing my parents room was their private sanctuary. My cousins and quite a few friends grew up this way too. I always assumed it was the norm until now.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I don't see anything wrong with you wanting your bedroom and bathroom to be respected as your personal space. That was sort of an unspoken rule in my house growing up. We kids didn't go into our parents' bedroom or bath unless we had permission. It wasn't a big deal, we had another shared bathroom (3 kids), and we each had our own bedroom. We weren't allowed into each others bedrooms either without permission. It's just a matter of respect for other people's privacy, to which everyone is entitled. 

Your SO (you're not married, correct?) should respect your reasonable request for privacy. His D is NOT being hurt or deprived by not being allowed in your bedroom or bathroom. She has no good reason to be in there. I'd suggest you sit down with both of them and calmly explain that you'd like her to respect your personal space just like you respect hers. Don't let either of them leave the conversation until it's resolved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

The poster who said you are seeking understanding from others whilst not understanding those others is BANG ON


Some Questions:


Is this house that you're living in "his" house (meaning the house where his daughter grew up/spent time)...because if so, you moving in isn't going to suddenly make her routine behavior of many years disappear. 

_We have one issue we can not get past. I believe my home is my sanctuary, and my bedroom and bath off limits to anyone but me and my partner. My children were not allowed in my room or bathroom without asking first. No one thought it odd. I never went in my parents bedroom without permission. _

Umm...good for you. Growing up, my house was NOT AT ALL like that. And while you find the 'open-door' policy disconcerting and inappropriate. Frankly, I find this just has bothersome. And rather cold.

So I can see where your partner and his daughter would have issues honoring a rule which, to them, seems bizarre and off-putting.

Moreover, she comes to the house EVERY OTHER weekend...so 12 out of 14 days you get your little sanctuary...

(hmmm....something about mountains and molehills is coming to mind...)

Also, considering this issue when juxtaposed with your user name...makes the whole thing a little more troubling (or telling)


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

MissMe said:


> The point of my post - Have you ever had such a disagreement over a relatively small issue with your lover/spouse that you look at them differently afterwards? As if there was a fundamental shift in the relationship (on your part) and you just knew your feelings may never be the same again?


Oh.

Also, this bit...

You're feeling that 'major shift' in sentiment over a small issue because you see him as 'picking another woman' over you.

This is very common with the step-mother/step-daughter type relationship

In fact, I tend to think the women who can have 'maternal' feelings toward their husband/partner's daughter(especially when the girl is older are probably the rarer breed. 

And frequently, she's just viewed as a rival


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

IndiaInk said:


> The poster who said you are seeking understanding from others whilst not understanding those others is BANG ON
> 
> 
> Some Questions:
> ...



I fail to understand why a 15 year old needs to have 2 bathrooms at her disposal, whilst the OP should be deemed unreasonable because she would like to keep 1 for her own personal use and that of her H...

Some things might look like molehills but, like a dripping tap, need to be addressed so that they don't become bigger.


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## MandyPoo (Mar 19, 2013)

MissMe said:


> I've told him over and over it's not HER, its anyone. This is my private space.
> 
> He simply can not see why I find this important.


*Your personal space is important to you. It doesn't really matter why. Who cares if your request is trivial? For example, I don't care at all WHY a dog owner may say "don't pet my dog." Who cares if its a work dog, guard dog, hunting dog, aggressive, fearful or a perfectly loving pet. The very fact that I've been instructed not to pet it AND it's not mine is more than enough reason for me keep my hands to my self. Besides, you're not disallowing the girl use of EVERY room in your house just the master suite*.



MissMe said:


> Maybe it boils down to respect, I don't know. I can not further explain why this is important to me. It just is.


*The real problem is that you've made a specific request of your partner and his child regarding how she should behave in YOUR house and were ignored by the both of them. Not to mention, you gave his teenaged CHILD specific instructions and she displays repeated defiance with HIS blessing. It completely boils down to respect. Their lack of desire to honor your request is disrespectful. The why is unimportant. The defiance and disrespect is very important. *



MissMe said:


> The point of my post - Have you ever had such a disagreement over a relatively small issue with your lover/spouse that you look at them differently afterwards? As if there was a fundamental shift in the relationship (on your part) and you just knew your feelings may never be the same again?


*A disrespectful partner who ignores my requests would absolutely alter my view of him thereby shifting my feelings for him. You're not wrong. My fiancé and I have specific requirements upon which one of us will NOT bend. Fortunately, in all cases, the other does bend. For example, I WON'T live in an apartment. I hate them. I won't bend. He honestly doesn't care where we live. So we got a house. He WON'T shop for groceries. He has no patience for the task. He won't bend. I truly don't mind it. So, I do all the grocery shopping or he takes us out to eat. Both are extremely "trivial" requests but if we both refused to do the same thing I can imagine that it make one of us resentful and the relationship would eventually fail.*

FYI: You're far nicer than I. Upon finding the daughter in the master suite when I expected to bathe, nap, relax, change, or whatever, I'd immediately tell her to leave. I wouldn't even wait for her to finish whatever she's doing. I'd hop in the shower while she's doing her makeup, use the commode while she's in the shower, tell her to get off my bed so I can nap. She'll eventually realize how much more convenient it is to use her own bedroom and bathroom. 

As a child, I never entered ANYONE'S master suite without an express invitation. Even now, as an adult, I still wait to be invited in. I never knew my behavior to be uncommon.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I fail to understand why a 15 year old needs to have 2 bathrooms at her disposal, whilst the OP should be deemed unreasonable because she would like to keep 1 for her own personal use and that of her H...
> 
> Some things might look like molehills but, like a dripping tap, need to be addressed so that they don't become bigger.


Certainly no one needs two bathrooms at their disposal. And if I thought this issue reduced down to a question of sheer logic or pragmatism...of course I would agree with you.

But--at least to me, this is a matter of context which hinges upon the answer to the question:

* Did the OP move into her partner's home? One he PREVIOUSLY occupied with said daughter..*

(if the answer to this is "No"...if her guy moved into her home...or they now live in a "new to both of them" house...my thoughts on this subject change...and I side the OP)

However, I'm assuming *based upon the fact that this issue has arisen at all*...that the answer is "Yes". It was his home. And it was his daughter's home. And then what I see is:

This daughter feels/sees this home as hers... understandably so...most children will feel this way, especially if they're not steeped in some rhetoric to the contrary (forbidden rooms, parental sanctuaries...etc)

She'll also feel that she has more of a claim to it than the woman who just moved in. And then you have a combination of (from her perspective): 

Having to fight against a norm she's used to..

probably a sense of 
justice': _why shouldn't the previous house-rules hold sway when "someone new" enters the home_? 

And indignation: Who are you (the "upstart" who just moved in) _to make a room that I've been allowed in for years suddenly "forbidden to me"?_


And sure, this all boils down to both women:_ "marking their territory"_..and _"staking their claim"_...

both on the house, and on the male figure in the middle (We (humans) are JUST FANCY ANIMALS)

No doubt there's likely a tension between them both that transcends this issue.

I don't know. Guess I just tend to take the side of the teenager with divorced parents who sees her dad every other weekend over the MissMe "step-mother" figure...

Who has already massively insinuated herself into this girl's life...and changed it markedly (again I'm looking at this from the daughter's view; she was just a kid living her life, walking into all the rooms of her house...and now suddenly this woman has 'invaded' and is trying to assert herself)

In any event, suffice it to say,(that for me) this bathroom conundrum is a little more complicated than a question of *necessity* of access


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

IndiaInk said:


> Certainly no one needs two bathrooms at their disposal. And if I thought this issue reduced down to a question of sheer logic or pragmatism...of course I would agree with you.
> 
> The OP did tell us that there have been occasions when she was unable to access her own bathroom because her step-daughter was showering and putting her make-up on in there. For purely practical reasons, therefore, it would be an easy solution for the step-daughter to rather use her own bathroom.
> 
> ...


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

If I understand correctly, the OP never said they were married. She said they have lived together for one year. Not that this matters, IMO, because her SO and his daughter are still disrespecting the OPs reasonable request for privacy. But perhaps some might feel the non marriage thing complicates the issue a bit(?)


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> If I understand correctly, the OP never said they were married. She said they have lived together for one year. Not that this matters, IMO, because her SO and his daughter are still disrespecting the OPs reasonable request for privacy. But perhaps some might feel the non marriage thing complicates the issue a bit(?)


Sorry, I missed that. Perhaps it does complicate things in the eyes of the step-daughter, because she may not see the OP as a permanent fixture in her father's life... Having said that, I see that the OP did say that they've been together for 3 years and living together for 1...

Whatever the case, though, as you said, the OP's request can hardly be seen as unreasonable.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Okay. I missed these bits of information...guessing they're from followups or posts on other threads. They don't change anything for me though.


The OP did tell us that there have been occasions when she was unable to access her own bathroom because her step-daughter was showering and putting her make-up on in there. For purely practical reasons, therefore, it would be an easy solution for the step-daughter to rather use her own bathroom.


Still...based on the OP alone...where NONE of THIS was mentioned...while the fact that the daughter DOES NOT enter the room whilst the OP is occupying was expressly acknowledged 


AND considering that THE BULK of MISS ME's ado was made about:

_ "I NEVER went into *MY* parents room"

"*MY *CHILDREN never went into* MY* bedroom... 

"*MY* SANCTUARY"

"*MY* Private Space"_


It's simply disingenuous to cite this as a causative element in this particular friction.

No...

This has: power-struggle, fight over "THE GUY"...and sure, like the OP said, lack of perceived RESPECT (btw...I'm morally certain that the step-daughter feels THE SAME WAY regarding respect)

Written ALL. OVER. IT.




Yes, the OP did move into her H's home, but upon her marriage it became HER home, too. As his W, the OP should have some say in the running of their home and, IMO, is entitled to some small space of her own.

Cool. Frankly, I'm glad I called it right.

It became her home sure....BUT it didn't stop being his daughter's home. And from her vantage point she's the incumbent.

I'm not actually imagining the step-mother as a big bad monster.

I'm just imagining that she's A TYPICAL step-mother. Feeling and reacting in typical ways as she makes the home "HER" home...especially over any other *perceived female interloper *(which her guy's daughter will almost INVARIABLY be...

Because this is typical behavior (from both parties)...(that's why I knew she'd moved into his home before you confirmed it)

AND Overall, I think new wives tend to look at the daughter as a RIVAL (and MORE SO than the daughter looks upon the step-mother as a rival). Simply because, the daughter's got 'blood on her side'...she knows she'll _always be_ his daughter......the wife's position is objectively more tenuous...

Anyway...

I've seen this stuff.

I know this stuff. 

Further, I don't think there is an ABSOLUTE, Objective Fairness to be found for this issue.


It's simply a matter of whose perspective you're viewing the issue from

I imagine any other woman in a similar predicament as the OP would side with her...

Perfectly Understandable.

I side very much side with the daughter.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Okay. I missed these bits of information...guessing they're from followups or posts on other threads. They don't change anything for me though.


The OP did tell us that there have been occasions when she was unable to access her own bathroom because her step-daughter was showering and putting her make-up on in there. For purely practical reasons, therefore, it would be an easy solution for the step-daughter to rather use her own bathroom.


Still...based on the OP alone...where NONE of THIS was mentioned...while the fact that the daughter DOES NOT enter the room whilst the OP is occupying was expressly acknowledged 


AND considering that THE BULK of MISS ME's ado was made about:

_ "I NEVER went into *MY* parents room"

"*MY *CHILDREN never went into* MY* bedroom... 

"*MY* SANCTUARY"

"*MY* Private Space"_


It's simply disingenuous to cite this as a causative element in this particular friction.

No...

This has: power-struggle, fight over "THE GUY"...and sure, like the OP said, lack of perceived RESPECT (btw...I'm morally certain that the step-daughter feels THE SAME WAY regarding respect)

Written ALL. OVER. IT.




Yes, the OP did move into her H's home, but upon her marriage it became HER home, too. As his W, the OP should have some say in the running of their home and, IMO, is entitled to some small space of her own.

Cool. Frankly, I'm glad I called it right.

It became her home sure....BUT it didn't stop being his daughter's home. And from her vantage point she's the incumbent.

I'm not actually imagining the step-mother as a big bad monster.

I'm just imagining that she's A TYPICAL step-mother. Feeling and reacting in typical ways as she makes the home "HER" home...especially over any other *perceived female interloper *(which her guy's daughter will almost INVARIABLY be...

Because this is typical behavior (from both parties)...(that's why I knew she'd moved into his home before you confirmed it)

AND Overall, I think new wives tend to look at the daughter as a RIVAL (and MORE SO than the daughter looks upon the step-mother as a rival). Simply because, the daughter's got 'blood on her side'...she knows she'll _always be_ his daughter......the wife's position is objectively more tenuous...

Anyway...

I've seen this stuff.

I know this stuff. 

Further, I don't think there is an ABSOLUTE, Objective Fairness to be found for this issue.


It's simply a matter of whose perspective you're viewing the issue from

I imagine any other woman in a similar predicament as the OP would side with her...

Perfectly Understandable.

I side very much with the daughter.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Indiaink: Further, I don't think there is an ABSOLUTE, Objective Fairness to be found for this issue.
> 
> 
> It's simply a matter of whose perspective you're viewing the issue from
> ...



OK, let's flip this around... 


Say the OP chose to use take a shower, fix her make-up and get dressed in the daughter's en suite, even though she had one of her own. 

The daughter felt like some alone time, but when she went to her en suite it was occupied by the OP... 

The daughter then (quite reasonably, IMO) requests her father to ask the OP if she could please use her own en suite, because there are times when she likes some alone time... 

The father refuses to say anything to the OP, even though his daughter feels that the OP is invading her own private space.

What then? 

Is the daughter being unreasonable? 

Is the father ignoring the girl's need for privacy?

Should the father ask the OP to use her own bathroom?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

See, when I was a child with a step-parent (father not mother) and I was the oldest (a teenager) - I didn't have the advantage of having my own bathroom, there was only one shower/tub in the house, for 5 people, so we had a bathroom schedule. 

I would have been overjoyed not to have to walk through my parents bedroom to take a shower, as frankly, as a teenager it was kind of awkward during moments like - seeing my stepdad's jock spray under the sink near my shampoo. 

As much as the OP is being accused of "territory marking" - I think the step-daughter might be doing exactly that. She has her own bathroom, that she is free to use for her own purposes, and yet chooses not to. What's there to side with the daughter about? What reason does she have for using the other bathroom - just because she can?

I mean -as she's a teenager, is she planning on going to college or moving out of home at some point? Learning to respect other people's boundaries and rules is really something she should accept now and start working on. Or she's going to have a serious problem with dorm mates/roommates in the future if she has no respect for other people's boundaries or rules. 

Getting a free pass for having a step-parent isn't going to do her future living arrangements any favors.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> See, when I was a child with a step-parent (father not mother) and I was the oldest (a teenager) - I didn't have the advantage of having my own bathroom, there was only one shower/tub in the house, for 5 people, so we had a bathroom schedule.
> 
> I would have been overjoyed not to have to walk through my parents bedroom to take a shower, as frankly, as a teenager it was kind of awkward during moments like - seeing my stepdad's jock spray under the sink near my shampoo.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

And it isn't even as though the step-daughter lives with the OP and her SO (not that that is particularly relevant, IMO); she spends every other weekend with them.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> OK, let's flip this around...
> 
> 
> Say the OP chose to use take a shower, fix her make-up and get dressed in the daughter's en suite, even though she had one of her own.
> ...


Dude Cosmos...you're killing me 

You see, you keep on trying to "flip" this to something that would INDEED be a more understandable argument for the OP...and something that would make her *plight* look more REASONABLE and sympathetic 

The problem is...it's NOT the argument that sparked her thread


The room/s are UNOCCUPIED when the daughter goes into them them....and the OP is NOT upset because she is unable to use them because of the daughter

No, it's just that by her very act of trespass step-daughter is violating Step-mommy's newly declared 'sacrosanct' space 


"Direct Quotes" from her post :

_*MY* bedroom and bath are off limits to anyone but *ME* and *MY* partner. 



He on the other hand can not understand why I do not want *HIS* daughter in *MY* bedroom or bathroom.



she feels free to walk in and out *MY* bedroom and bathroom anytime she likes. I've even shut the door, but that doesn't stop her (she does not come in when I am in the bedroom). 


as the adult in the home, I have certain perks. *MY* own private bathroom, parking spot in the drive way, etc

I can not further explain why this is important to ME. It just is. ._


Oh, and this little gem isn't really relevant to my argument...but it's *SO PATENTLY ABSURD* I couldn't resist


"I have no selfishness in me" (umm...self-deluded much??...maybe you should tally up the number of _*'me's' and my's*_ you used when crafting this exposition...the words we use to express ourselves are highly indicative of our inner-workings...there are studies on this stuff)



To reiterate, the grievance here IS *NOT about the step--daughter occupying the bathroom when the OP wants to use it*....the irritation in this case is being provoked by the fact that she GOES IN THERE PERIOD...

That's why the father's scratching his head...and not coming to the lady's rescue...

to his mind...an empty bathroom in the house is an empty bathroom in the house...who cares if the daughter wants to use it??


that's also why the crux of the self-proclaimed "SELF-LESS" MISS Me's argument as to why this is important to her boils down to:

*IT JUST IS*

What charming sentiment.


You can still argue MissMe's case Cosmos......I mean, "it just is" (important to me)...is *not* an *invalid* argument

It's just not a noble one. 

And it certainly isn't indicative of someone* without a trace* of selfishness within them

Truly, the more I read that OP, the more REPUGNANT the whole drama becomes to me

Clearly you feel differently...


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Indiaink: You can still argue MissMe's case Cosmos......I mean, "it just is" (important to me)...is not an invalid argument
> 
> It's just not a noble one.
> 
> ...




I do. I think we're just viewing this differently so had better just agree to disagree.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

The bedroom and bathroom are not the OPs. These rooms are shared with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend apparently doesn't have a problem with his daughter coming into HIS room.

She needs to respect the boyfriend and not enforce her rules on him and his daughter.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> The bedroom and bathroom are not the OPs. These rooms are shared with her boyfriend.
> 
> The boyfriend apparently doesn't have a problem with his daughter coming into HIS room.
> 
> She needs to respect the boyfriend and not enforce her rules on him and his daughter.


I agree. This is the boyfriend's house, she's been living there for a year, and he has no problem with his daughter using what was a bedroom/bathroom he shared with her mother. At least that's what I got from all of this.

That throws a slightly different light on things, to me, than if the house belonged to the OP or they bought it together or something other than what the situation actually is. *HIS *house. *HIS *rules.

If I'm understanding this correctly.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Openminded said:


> I agree. This is the boyfriend's house, she's been living there for a year, and he has no problem with his daughter using what was a bedroom/bathroom he shared with her mother. At least that's what I got from all of this.
> 
> That throws a slightly different light on things, to me, than if the house belonged to the OP or they bought it together or something other than what the situation actually is. *HIS *house. *HIS *rules.
> 
> If I'm understanding this correctly.


I don't really care who owns the house or what the rules were before with his wife. I just think the OP is talking about her bathroom and her bedroom, when it should be their rooms.

I don't see any compromise in the OP. She wants it her way. The daughter is only there part time, so I just think she should allow her boyfriend's rules while his daughter is there and her rules when the daughter is away. 

Seems like such a little thing to have a power struggle over. I could maybe understand her issue if the daughter was doing something like taking things out of the room and not putting them back, or making a mess and not cleaning up, or interrupting them inappropriately. All she is doing is entering the room and using the bathroom.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

So - if a man or woman owns a home before they meet their partner, the partner never gets any say about the rules of the house, no matter the length of their relationship? Ouch. 

Also, that's still not detracting from my thought, that the daughter here still needs to learn to come to terms with other people's desires. "Repugnant" or not - future people in the daughter's life - roommates, co-workers, even a future partner will have expectations and rules. And telling her that she only has to respect people's boundaries if they make sense -to her- or they aren't "absurd" isn't doing her any favors. 

This is how people justify breaking other people's boundaries all the time as it "isn't that big a deal" and "it's all I'm doing."


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> So - if a man or woman owns a home before they meet their partner, the partner never gets any say about the rules of the house, no matter the length of their relationship? Ouch.
> 
> Also, that's still not detracting from my thought, that the daughter here still needs to learn to come to terms with other people's desires. "Repugnant" or not - future people in the daughter's life - roommates, co-workers, even a future partner will have expectations and rules. And telling her that she only has to respect people's boundaries if they make sense -to her- or they aren't "absurd" isn't doing her any favors.
> 
> This is how people justify breaking other people's boundaries all the time as it "isn't that big a deal" and "it's all I'm doing."


Being forced to obey unkind, SELFISH and irrational rules doesn't do anyone anyone any favors either, least of all the person who felt compelled to enact them.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> So - if a man or woman owns a home before they meet their partner, the partner never gets any say about the rules of the house, no matter the length of their relationship? Ouch.



That's not what's being said here. Of course people can create rules, but those rules need to be reasonable and take into account that it's a shared living situation. Rules that are very arbitrary and selfish (_it's MY room...you can't ever step foot in it for whatever reason even if I'm not there_) are going to be met with resistance and noncompliance.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

IndiaInk said:


> Okay. I missed these bits of information...guessing they're from followups or posts on other threads. They don't change anything for me though.
> 
> 
> The OP did tell us that there have been occasions when she was unable to access her own bathroom because her step-daughter was showering and putting her make-up on in there. For purely practical reasons, therefore, it would be an easy solution for the step-daughter to rather use her own bathroom.
> ...


You are missing the crucial fact that this has nothing to do with his daughter using my room/bathroom. It's about ANYONE else, no exclusions. If it were my son or daughter, I would stop it. It wouldn't be an issue. 

And no my position is not more tenuous as you put it. Are you impling that I (should) feel at a disadvantage in my relationship with him compared to her? Two different types of relationships, not comparable at all. In other words, I do not feel at all threatened by her relationship with her father. Why exactly would I? That's rather bizarre isn't it?

It is all just unfortunate that I moved into his house. I sold mine (had a sell by date due to divorce decree). I should have just bought my own house. Instead, I moved in to his house so that he would not have to foreclose or file bankruptcy. He lost his job, took a lower paying one, and of course his finances are a big hot mess. We wanted to purchase one together, but his credit is a fright now, and he can't sell his because he's underwater. 

Yes, all this would be avoided had I just turned my back on him, let him figure out his financial crap, and bought my own house. Funny thing is, she only has her childhood home to come to on the weekends because of me, yet I am the bad bad stepmom (girlfriend). :smthumbup:


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> That's not what's being said here. Of course people can create rules, but those rules need to be reasonable and take into account that it's a shared living situation. Rules that are very arbitrary and selfish (_it's MY room...you can't ever step foot in it for whatever reason even if I'm not there_) are going to be met with resistance and noncompliance.


Coffee there you go again....I never said this. Please stop.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

IndiaInk said:


> Being forced to obey unkind, SELFISH and irrational rules doesn't do anyone anyone any favors either, least of all the person who felt compelled to enact them.


This is absurd. Requiring permission to enter my private space in my home is not unkind, irrational, or selfish. I respect her space just the same. I do not use her bathroom or bedroom without consulting her first.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Maybe I missed this but have you asked her WHY she uses your bathroom when she has her own?

It seems like the strict "it's my space, you can't ever come in without permission" seems a bit harsh. But on the other hand, I agree with you that I would be annoyed if I went to use my bedroom/bathroom and frequently found a teenager occupying the bathroom, especially when she has her own.

Is there some reason she prefers your bathroom? Is there a way you can make her bathroom more comfortable for her so that she'll use it?


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Maybe I missed this but have you asked her WHY she uses your bathroom when she has her own?
> 
> It seems like the strict "it's my space, you can't ever come in without permission" seems a bit harsh. But on the other hand, I agree with you that I would be annoyed if I went to use my bedroom/bathroom and frequently found a teenager occupying the bathroom, especially when she has her own.
> 
> Is there some reason she prefers your bathroom? Is there a way you can make her bathroom more comfortable for her so that she'll use it?


The reason for this whole thread was not actually about my bathroom/room it was about him not backing me up on this issue and how my feelings shifted due to this. 

To answer your question, it's supposedly to get a qtip, or nail clippers, or a the hair dryer, soap, cotton ball, nail file, or she was looking for his sweatshirt. It's always something. The truth is, her bathroom is fully stocked. There is no reason for her to be in there.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

MissMe: I've said all I can in this thread. You don't come across to me as a selfish, unkind or irrational person. Everyone has a right to some personal space in their own home - "their sanctuary" - be it an office or study area, or their own sleeping space. Your step-daughter has hers (a bedroom of her own and a bathroom), even though she only visits your home every second weekend. It is totally reasonable, IMO, for you to want a special place for you and your husband.

Your SO might own the house but, IMO, when he asked you to live with him it was, presumably, to share what was akin to a marriage-like relationship. Therefore, as his partner you should be entitled to a degree of equality in and around the home, and this personal boundary of yours should be addressed by your SO, rather than simply dismissed in favour of his daughter.

I can quite see how his attitude in this regard has you questioning your relationship with him. The issue might be comparatively small, but I would see it as a lack of sensitivity and respect on his behalf.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

MissMe said:


> .........
> 
> We have one issue we can not get past. I believe my home is my sanctuary, and my bedroom and bath off limits to anyone but me and my partner. My children were not allowed in my room or bathroom without asking first. .......
> 
> ...


This thread was hijacked about the kid/bedroom/bathroom and that is not your problem! Simple humans we are, eh? I do not think this is a small issue if it has shifted your feelings about your husband. That is no small issue sweetheart. He is disrespecting you and your relationship. I do wonder if he is aware of how strongly you feel about this?


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Maybe I missed this but have you asked her WHY she uses your bathroom when she has her own?
> 
> It seems like the strict "it's my space, you can't ever come in without permission" seems a bit harsh. But on the other hand, I agree with you that I would be annoyed if I went to use my bedroom/bathroom and frequently found a teenager occupying the bathroom, especially when she has her own.
> 
> Is there some reason she prefers your bathroom? Is there a way you can make her bathroom more comfortable for her so that she'll use it?


She a typical teenager, right? Everything is about her, her, her. And Daddy doesn't care so she does as she wishes.


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## sweetpea (Jan 30, 2007)

Please stay on topic and no attacks on OP or others. Please review forum guidelines for more information. Thanks


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/2117-forum-rules-please-read-first.html


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> She a typical teenager, right? Everything is about her, her, her. And Daddy doesn't care so she does as she wishes.


Pretty much correct.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Just my two cents - you live there as an adult who contributes to the household. She visits on occasion.

I would have a conversation with her directly - state that this is no longer ok. Explain that you enjoy having her there but that you do live there now and do ask that she respect your wishes. 

Maybe to sweeten the deal, take her shopping for some stuff to dress up 'her' bathroom and make it more personal for her.


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