# Difficult days



## 2luvagain (Nov 4, 2017)

Hello

First time posting. I really feel reading your posts will help me a lot. I am 41 with 2 kids, 10 and 8. I have been separated for almost a year. Divorce will be final January. I was married for 15 years. I do not want this divorce. I have begged him for reconciliation and he will not. I am devastated and feel I can't go on some days. My whole life was planned with him and our children. 

Starting over at 41 was not in the plan. I don't think I will ever find love again. No one wants to be involved with someone my age with two small kids. I have come to the conclusion that being alone may be my fate. I have dated a few men. Players and liers are all I have encountered. It is very scary. I will not bring those type men around my children ever. I know I sound very negative, but I am not in a good place at the moment. I am hoping to find some support here. Thank you


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What led to the separation/divorce?

Begging rarely works. It is like pushing a rope. Then you feel shameful for begging. It is a vicious cycle.

As for the men you are encountering, you should really delve into you. Often times we pursue a certain type than exhibits certain traits...only to be disappointed again...with the common denominator being you.

As for whether or not there are any decent men who would date someone like you, do some reading. There are plenty of good men who have left their marriages due to infidelity or other reasons. They are out there. You just have to weed through some trash to find them.

Stick around. There will be some wise female posters along shortly who will be very helpful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My 25 year marriage suddenly ended when I was slightly older than you. I was a single mum for 4 years after that before I felt ready to even think about another man, and it was 2 more years before I met my now husband of 12 years. 
I met him on a Christian internet dating site. My advise is to wait for some time before you think of dating, you don't sound as if you are anywhere near ready emotionally yet, and you are still actually married. 

Be careful where you meet men, you wont meet a good man in a bar or night club for example.

There will be many divorced men who also have children, so that isn't an issue. 

There are some good dating sites if you go that route, don't go on free ones or international ones, far too many scammers.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@turnera @Satya @CynthiaDe @EleGirl


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2luvagain said:


> Hello
> 
> First time posting. I really feel reading your posts will help me a lot. I am 41 with 2 kids, 10 and 8. I have been separated for almost a year. Divorce will be final January. I was married for 15 years. I do not want this divorce. I have begged him for reconciliation and he will not. I am devastated and feel I can't go on some days. My whole life was planned with him and our children.
> 
> Starting over at 41 was not in the plan. I don't think I will ever find love again. No one wants to be involved with someone my age with two small kids. I have come to the conclusion that being alone may be my fate. I have dated a few men. Players and liers are all I have encountered. It is very scary. I will not bring those type men around my children ever. I know I sound very negative, but I am not in a good place at the moment. I am hoping to find some support here. Thank you


2luvagain, Could you share a bit more about your situation. What were the circumstances of your husband filing for divorce?

I ended up divorced at 47 with a 7 year old son. It's not easy. But it gets easier with time. You will change and grow stronger. Take it one day at a time.

You are wrong that you will not be able to find a new love at your age and with you having young children. 

There are plenty of good men in your same shoes, divorced with children who are looking just like you are. There are also men who have no children who marry women with children all the time. 

I now a lot of people who were divorced with children who have since remarried and are in good relationships now.

You say that you are finding a lot of the wrong kind of men. Part of the problem might be that you are looking for a guy way too early. Your divorce is not even final. Most men who have their heads screwed on the right way would never date a woman who is in the middle of a divorce, especially not one with young children. Why? Not because of your age and not because of the children. It's because you are still married and your life is still in turmoil. Most good men don't want to be involved in the turmoil of divorce.

It usually takes a year or two after a divorce is final before a person has healed sufficiently to start a new relationship. 

You say that you want your husband back, but you are dating other men. How does that work? What kind of man would be involved in this kind of situation? Well, the kind you are finding. Settle one relationship before you start another.

Are you in counseling? I think it would really help you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

2luvagain said:


> Hello
> 
> First time posting. I really feel reading your posts will help me a lot. I am 41 with 2 kids, 10 and 8. I have been separated for almost a year. Divorce will be final January. I was married for 15 years. I do not want this divorce. I have begged him for reconciliation and he will not. I am devastated and feel I can't go on some days. My whole life was planned with him and our children.
> 
> Starting over at 41 was not in the plan. I don't think I will ever find love again. No one wants to be involved with someone my age with two small kids. I have come to the conclusion that being alone may be my fate. I have dated a few men. Players and liers are all I have encountered. It is very scary. I will not bring those type men around my children ever. I know I sound very negative, but I am not in a good place at the moment. I am hoping to find some support here. Thank you


 @2luvagain,

Without some more details, my advice is going to sound pretty general.

I divorced at 30, did not have kids, so my experience was markedly different, however I remarried at 35 and kids may or may not be in our future...

I'd agree with advice telling you not to beg, plead, or promise anything. Divorce is not an idle threat or something that rolls off the tongue. It's serious, so your attitude has to be more logical and prepared, which is easy for me to say but harder to do when you're under emotional strain.

Looking forward to more details.


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## 2luvagain (Nov 4, 2017)

Hi Elegirl wow that was some great advice!! I am seeing things very clearly now. You're right what good man would even talk to a married woman? Even though I am separated, but still my emotions are in turmoil and the upcoming divorce will cause even more turmoil. I have stopped dating a month ago, because I finally realized how wrong it was in so many ways. I do need time to heal. I had been searching for a replacement. Scared to be alone. Not thinking clearly. Looking for the love and attention I craved for so many years from my husband.

My story is this I was married for 15 years, but lived in a very neglected marriage. No affection or intimacy. I had approached him many times. Let's get counseling and he wouldn't even consider it. I did everything took care of the kids, cooked, cleaned etc. He worked and took care of the bills. He is an excellent Father and provider, but I feel he never loved me. So we are here because of a loveless marriage.


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## 2luvagain (Nov 4, 2017)

Hi Diana 7

Thank you for your great advice. I am happy to hear you have remarried and found love again. I plan to be very selective. I too am going to try Christian mingles once the divorce is final and I am ready. The whole dating process is scary and not where I want to be. But I do want to remarry again. I love the family dynamic. I was meant to be a Mom and wife. You gave me hope from your reply


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## 2luvagain (Nov 4, 2017)

Hi Satya

I have good days and bad. Sometimes a memory is triggered and the tears come. Next thing I am texting him and begging. I am scared of the future. He was the bread winner and the family needed him. I didn't plan on being alone at my age. As far as my story....he wasn't affectionate. I was denied any kind of intimacy. I lived in a loveless marriage. Hence the ending of it. I wanted counseling but he didn't. I gave up. Thank you for your advice


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## 2luvagain (Nov 4, 2017)

Farsidejunky

My mariage was non affectionate. It lacked intimacy of any kind. We were best friends at the most. He told me this is marriage and that I needed to stop looking for the school girl crush. 

I wanted love, intimacy, to be held, kissed and adored. But none of that. Basically we feel out of love. I tried to repair it. He saw nothing wrong. So here we are. I am in the healing process and I have chosen to do this the right way. Wait til the divorce and try a Christian site for dating. You all are giving me hope that I won't be alone forever.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Thank you for filling in the backstory.

This makes it even more clear that you have a long way to go before you're ready to try and find Mr Right.

You have begged someone, who clearly didn't meet your needs, to return to a state of misery in order to prevent you from being alone.

You need to take some time to focus on yourself. I am sure there is plenty to love about you. Your trick right now is not to find somebody else to do that, but rather to learn to love yourself.

Until you love yourself, it is nearly impossible to find the right man to love you, and likely had a lot to do with how you ended up in a passionless marriage.

I hope this isn't coming off as too harsh. 

You have some very bright ladies posting in your thread. I am sure they will steer you well as long as you are willing to listen and be open.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So the marriage was bad but what ended it. You say it was loveless and YOU were unhappy but he ended it why? You begged for reconciliation, what are we missing here? Did he leave, did you cheat?


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## FUTRISBRITE (Nov 6, 2017)

I wouldn't say that the marriage was loveless, it just wasn't you that he was in love with. It's pretty clear he loves himself, and that he invested his energy in his career which appears to be what he values most. You were just the necessary tool in keeping up the home and raising the children so that he could achieve his own selfish quest. (AKA his response to your pleas that this is just what a marriage is) The fact that you and your children benefited financially was most likely just a byproduct of his main objective, not because he cared for you all. I realize this sounds harsh, but I'm speaking from personal experience. Don't let a self centered person's flaws, make you feel unlovable! I would question what changed to where he felt he would rather remove himself from his family completely. Something pushed him to change the status quo- or someone. Something prompted him to file for divorce.

That said, it's time for you to get rid of the doubt, guilt, shame, and unworthiness that you've clearly felt in this marriage. Focus on the positives that are about to come your way! You now have the opportunity to find someone that truly loves and values you! You won't have to beg ever again! I saw a quote by Robin Williams that said there is something worse than being alone, and that's being with someone that makes you FEEL all alone. It's SO true! Focus on what you want from a future partner, and accept nothing less. Your soon to be ex has done you a favor by setting you free. For now, being alone will be a major improvement over how you've been living. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel now (January)....make your goals for the future and focus on what you need to do in order to make them happen.

I'm just behind you in this process- 39 years old, 16 years of marriage, 2 daughters- 11 & 6 years old, separated since July, and finally feeling free from someone else's selfishness, and self destructive behavior. I never ever thought I'd be a divorce story, and went far beyond what I should have in order to prevent it. I finally saw what it was that I was destroying my soul and self worth in order to hang onto, and couldn't figure out what in the world I was even fighting for! I'm truly looking forward to my future, even if I never find that amazing partner that I was so sure God intended me to have. I now can be proud of myself and love myself once again because I'm the role model I always wanted my children to have. 

Here's to the future, and I wish you all of the strength that you may need to get to a much more positive place!


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

You said you wanted to reconcile and didn't want to be divorced but then you talk about this completely loveless marriage and neglect. What's up with that?


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## 2luvagain (Nov 4, 2017)

toblerone
You are right that sounds so crazy. But I knew nothing different. I figured that was just marriage. You know it moves to different stages. I craved attention so badly. Wondered why he didn't love me or even like me. There is a list of a thousand reasons why. But the reconciliation part is mostly for my kids. I came from a broken home and didn't want them to go through this. We had a lot of good memories as a family. That is very hard for me. I feel very alone and scared of my future. Another big reason.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

It does sound like you had an affair.

But you are unable to come out and admit it.

Now your husband doesn’t trust you and wants a divorce and will not consider reconciliation.

That’s what I see. 

There’s little reason to be coy. Better input would probably result in more useful responses here.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

2luvagain said:


> Hi Diana 7
> 
> Thank you for your great advice. I am happy to hear you have remarried and found love again. I plan to be very selective. I too am going to try Christian mingles once the divorce is final and I am ready. The whole dating process is scary and not where I want to be. But I do want to remarry again. I love the family dynamic. I was meant to be a Mom and wife. You gave me hope from your reply


Are you a Christian?

Did you have an affair?

How did the marriage end? For example, did your husband come home one day and say, "I'm leaving, it's over!" and that was it? Or was it you who decided to leave?

It would be helpful for me to answer you in a helpful manner if I know the answers to these questions.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Ok but let me separate some things that you're saying.

A broken home has all sorts of connotations that you don't have to share with us, but just know that a divorce isn't indicative of a broken home. If you do see patterns of your (ending) relationship following that path: you may be able to recognize it and nip in the bud (or, at the very least, handle it in a more constructive way).

I get that you hold on the the good memories of a family, but over time neglect and resentment will cloud all of that out: essentially wiping out the good times.

Your kids will notice, if they haven't already, that things aren't all that great in your relationship as it is. I think you understand that it isn't going to change for the better.

Moving on is rough and terrible. It will be hard for a while, but I think just about everyone here will agree that it is something you _have_ to do.

An unknown future is really scary, I get it. But is it all that scary to realize that you (at the very least) won't be tied down to someone who made you feel like crap?

edit: the affair question is still up in the air, I guess. Hmm. That wouldn't necessarily change the content of a lot of what I wrote but it would certainly affect the tone.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> Are you a Christian?
> 
> *Did you have an affair?*
> 
> ...


I was wondering the same.

Something seems to be missing from the story.


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