# If you could go back, would you?



## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Curious how many folks knew something wasn't quite right but for whatever reason moved forward in a relationship and ultimately marriage.

The warning signs were there, and I did not heed them, or perhaps I trusted the person I was with? Ugh.

I digress. If I could go back to that point during our engagement where my gut told me something wasn't right, I would have called off the wedding without a doubt. 

It's complicated to even make these scenarios up, and of course I wouldn't have my wonderful kids, but I'm looking at this in a binary 'me and her' way.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Ya know, many of us were either young, inexperienced, or both when we made that plunge. I now realize that there were danger signs all over the place. But I didn't have the understanding to perceive them or to know how to deal with them. If I were 25 again, and in possession of the wisdom(?) that I now have, I think I would proceed, but with the tools necessary to influence the relationship toward a different path.


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## shamarie (Feb 24, 2012)

oh my god! did you read my mind? I ask myself that question ALL the time. I know the answer to mine would be that i would've made a run for the hills...no doubt. But then i feel guilty for thinking that becuz i have 3 wonderful boys. I wish i did not marry this man cuz now i feel stuck in an unhappy marriage for the rest of my life...it feels like a prison sentence.
The night of our rehearsal we had an argument and he blurted out that "i make him sick to his stomach". Of course i cried my eyes out but the only thing i was thinking isn that all our friends and family waiting...so many of them flew out from different countries for the wedding...i felt like i had to go through with it because it would have been too embarassing not to. But those were clear signs that we were not right for each other. There were warning signs before too. I wish i had listened to my gut


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

No, because then I wouldn't have evolved into the person I am today, and I like who I am today. I only got here because of the path I walked, and I wouldn't be willing to trade it in. Of course, I wish I'd slapped my husband hard when he 'forgot' that he was supposed to put the condom on before he did 'that' (per agreement), but that's a singular regret, not wanting to re-do the entire epic. I think it's great I have an epic, some people only have mid-life crises!


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

If I could have a 'do-over' knowing just half of what I know now, limited ONLY to the subject of my ex-... I would have found the strength to say no and walked away from her. I was young, inexperienced, dumb, and lacked a shred of belief in myself to do better.

All that about changing the past not making me who I am today? Some of it would be different, but much of it would still be the same, and I am still me. But the benefits would outweigh the risks. The odds says I could have randomly picked my spouse and done better.. perhaps much better, and I would have gotten all those years back.

All the things that eventually blew my marriage to hell, and made it 16 years of one-sided effort and lack of respect were there in the beginning, before I said 'I do' (and I almost didn't.. wish I hadn't)

I have to take a lot of blame for it, and all the blame for my part in it.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> No, because then I wouldn't have evolved into the person I am today, and I like who I am today. I only got here because of the path I walked, and I wouldn't be willing to trade it in. Of course, I wish I'd slapped my husband hard when he 'forgot' that he was supposed to put the condom on before he did 'that' (per agreement), but that's a singular regret, not wanting to re-do the entire epic. I think it's great I have an epic, some people only have mid-life crises!


Well, my perspective on this is that by perhaps breaking the engagement many moons ago (for a lot of us), I would have started to become the better person I am today almost 10 years earlier. So perhaps this early evolution would have led to positive things in meeting other people back in the day.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

lovestruckout said:


> Well, my perspective on this is that by perhaps breaking the engagement many moons ago (for a lot of us), I would have started to become the better person I am today almost 10 years earlier. So perhaps this early evolution would have led to positive things in meeting other people back in the day.


I learned a lot more about myself in my marriage than I could have learned if I'd have said no. Now I have a LOT of knowledge too about how messed up another human being can go, and I no longer have any doubts at all about if 'sociopath' is just a term. Nope, it's a lifestyle. I am now more or less a**hole-proof. I've actually been able to go head to head with a couple guys in relationship mode (scamming mode for them) and hold my own without even flinching. stbxh's attorney asked me point blank if I had a mental illness, I didn't even get defensive, said nope, it was ruled out. And symptoms disappeared after I left marriage. Another guy, on a date, sat there and went on and on about how women who are brought up in abusive families tend to use promiscuity and manipulation, etc. in relationships to get what they want. I didn't flinch, I was interested. I listened to his sagas with these women. I said nothing about my past, my promiscuity for this reason when I was a lot younger...the therapy I went to, to overcome it, how this fed into my reluctance to leave my relationship with my stbxh...none of this was his business on a first date - a social casual lunch date...I let him pay. There will be no second date. I think he is aware now but I didn't tell him directly. He knows he is a prejudiced jerk for thinking this way, nobody who thinks that way is getting near my 'treasure' :rofl:
If I hadn't gone through what I went through with my marriage, I would be taken in by people like this, or defensive about stuff. Now I don't flinch. I am cool, I can think around triggers and judgements. 

I agree, how nice it would be if we were proactive before stuff happened, but I think humans learn by experience, the neural networks react to physical stressors, not theoretical avoidances. 
At least, I think I learn better that way. I find that my entire life has improved by going through this and also getting the therapy I did. Plus I am able to take more risks with more confidence, but they are good risks. I am okay with making good decisions that might end badly, I don't need to make bad decisions because someone else frames it in a way that would make me look stupid for disagreeing. I don't need to rely on other people's logic, but my own feelings and intuition. 

I know I can't change literal history. But there are people who can go back in time and erase hurts and rearrange your energy. If you don't believe in this sort of thing, then it's not for you. But for someone like me, it does rewrite emotional history, even though not physical history. It's different. So the damage is much, much, much less. You feel a lot better.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I wasn't young, it was my second marriage at age 38. We had been together for five years before that and I got pregnant which was a huge surprise for both of us. I had no desire to marry him until then but figured since we were pregnant and seem to have every intention of spending the rest of our lives together we might as well get married.

Warning signs were everywhere and they weren't really warning signs as I saw them clearly and dealt with them every day. We got married within one month of me giving birth and I can't say for sure whether it was getting married or having children...things changed dramatically for the worse.

The more time that goes by since DDay, the more I believe I would go back and undo him. I wouldn't undo our children though but I would have never married him that is for sure.

I have learned so much about myself in the last two months and I learn more every day. I am seeing things about myself, issues if you will, that I am not sure I could have seen clearly before all of this.

It is all a doubled edged sword I guess.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Life IS risk and those who don't risk don't get to enjoy its rewards. I would NOT go back.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Scars are beautifully human!


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Interesting topic. I think we all do at times. Every decision we make has an effect on our future.

My first child was out of wedlock. I was so upset that there was a chance that my daughter may grow up without a father I bent over backwards for the relationship. Everyone told be I should move on I could do better. My problem was I could not move on knowing that my kid was out there 400 miles away without me.

At the time the relationship with my now wife was rocky at best. After the baby was born, I found out she was moving on by going on dates. At this point I started dating. Once she found out I was moving on she quickly changed her tune and wanted to reconcile. My attitude was that I had to try for the sake of the baby. Everyone knew that if there was no baby I would have walked away from the relationship.

So 16 years later happily married with 4 children. Life has so many interesting twists and turns. At times I do look back though.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm trying to stay optimistic that in time, things will get better. Fortunately things are stable, and of course with two young kids around I can accept where things are at this point. I did move out for three months and chose to come back, so I can't be unfair and check in and out of the relationship. Really the biggest hurdle I keep dealing with is the fact that my WW was in a legitimate 2nd relationship leading up to, into, and through our engagement and marriage. So the idea of getting back to the golden years of early marriage are totally blown in our situation, it was a disaster from the start. I confronted her countless times about the other guy and perhaps a relatively normal person would have realized it was time to end the other relationship, but not this woman.

My IC an I established that my WW would not have stopped her ways until it came to her knowing I was walking away - as I was always around from way back to our HS days.

On a brighter note, at least I can be there for my kids and in the event they come to me with a similar, poisonous dating situation, I can tell them to run as fast as they can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

There was a time in my 40's when I fantasized about re-living my life with the wisdom I had gained by making mistakes. By the end of that decade I realized that I only gained wisdom through making mistakes. I tried to help my children steer clear of their mistakes, but I finally realized that humans learn from experience, not from good advice. There is just something about us that believes that we are different, that we know how to make good decisions. It is only through the giant slap of reality that we can wake up to the truth.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi

Good question and one that I sometimes beat myself up for.

I knew before I got married to my soon to be ex-husband that he had a bad temper. I didn't know about abuse back then, I just put it down to him having a bad day or whatever. But the signs were there and even a few weeks before my wedding I had a sick feeling in my stomach and knew it wasn't right. It felt too late to change anything then and I kept thinking that I was old at 31 not to get married (I realise this is utter rubbish now lol!). 

But now, I have two beautiful children who I wouldn't have had known if I had changed my mind about getting married. I have also learnt many things about myself. That even though I have some self esteem issues, I have come out of this a stronger woman. I also know that I won't make the mistake of trying to 'fix' the next man who comes along with any serious problems. I will run for the hills!

So yeah, I probably would make the same decision because I didn't have the life experience to do it any differently.

Jen


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

First rule of ZA driving: What's behind you is unimportant. (and often what's in front of or next to you too unless it's a wild animal and it's bigger than your car)


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