# Dealing with family members



## thesky1291

How do you deal with family members who turned against you when you first left your spouse?
I left mine for drug use and his anger. He has been working on it. We are considering reconciling and I am giving him time to get sober (6 months). 
I have had my MIL send rude messages in which I was very frank with her and my sister in law who was just down right nasty to me and I ended up blocking her from all contact. 
both of these family members I was very close with and they were my favorites. In fact, the sister in law that was so nasty to me was my favorite SIL.
Anyway, how do I deal with them during reconciliation? I have yet to speak with them since the awful conversations. But I know soon, I’m sure I’ll run into them-
Or we may get invited to a family gathering or something. Do me and the kids just avoid family get together for now? What do you suggest? Wait til they apologize? Make my husband handle it?


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## Marduk

thesky1291 said:


> How do you deal with family members who turned against you when you first left your spouse?
> I left mine for drug use and his anger. He has been working on it. We are considering reconciling and I am giving him time to get sober (6 months).
> I have had my MIL send rude messages in which I was very frank with her and my sister in law who was just down right nasty to me and I ended up blocking her from all contact.
> both of these family members I was very close with and they were my favorites. In fact, the sister in law that was so nasty to me was my favorite SIL.
> Anyway, how do I deal with them during reconciliation? I have yet to speak with them since the awful conversations. But I know soon, I’m sure I’ll run into them-
> Or we may get invited to a family gathering or something. Do me and the kids just avoid family get together for now? What do you suggest? Wait til they apologize? Make my husband handle it?


I've had to deal with a number of in-laws and my own family members that have betrayed many people, including my wife and I over the years.

The process we've landed on is what I call 'containment.' We'll allow ourselves to be around them for only limited amounts of time, and in limited ways. Usually only when necessary. And only we deal with our own family members as a general rule.

When one of my family members acts out, it's my job to sort it out. And vice versa. And we go into every interaction with our shields up, but are open to being pleasantly surprised. But we don't also allow the interactions to escalate or broaden. Meaning, when a problematic person wants to spend more time with us, we try to politely redirect this away. 

In this way, his mother would be his problem, and he needs to know that he needs to support and defend you with his mom. His problem. And if you're never close with her again, he needs to be OK with that.


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## Anastasia6

I would have to know more about the rude messages before responding on how to handle it.

Were they personal attacks? or just like how could you leave my son?


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## bobert

There's a good chance they will never apologize, so don't sit around waiting for one. Those relationships may never go back to what they were. That's something that you and your husband have to be prepared for and accepting of. You need to set boundaries and not be a ***** yourself, but your husband has to have your back and handle any nonsense the in-laws throw your way. If things get really bad, you need to be prepared to leave and he should be the one initiating that. If they can't put aside their differences for the sake of family and the children, then that's their problem.

With family gatherings, it really depends on what your in-laws are doing and saying.

If it's just awkward and uncomfortable to be around the in-laws, then avoiding them for now is just postponing the inevitable. It would get harder as time goes on, not easier. So if you plan to be around them and it's safe to be around them, then you might as well rip off the bandaid. If his family are rude or mean to you, you need to tell your husband immediately so it can be dealt with immediately rather than after the fact.

My family absolutely hates my wife. They have never liked her but were civil to her until we decided to attempt reconciliation. Then it got progressively worse. Last Christmas they were absolutely horrible to her and I had to make the call that we're not going to see family until they can get their **** together, stop being vile, and act like rational people.

So depending on your situation you might be best going to family gatherings, it might be best to send your husband and the kids while you stay home, or it might be best to totally cut them off for now or forever.


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## Openminded

With rare exceptions, families side with their own. You aren’t the problem but I can tell you from experience that, in general, family members really dislike the one who’s the problem (in your case that would be your family disliking him although you haven’t mentioned that being the case). That’s why it’s better not to involve them in the problem because although you may forgive they likely never will. Your situation is different than the norm, since he’s the problem and not you, but the resentment your MIL and SIL feel that you dared to consider divorcing their baby boy is the same.

You are “other” to them and it will take a very long for that to change — if it ever does. So you’ll have to decide what you can tolerate and stick to that even if your husband pressures you to “just get along” with them. He needs to understand that’s your choice to make and not his.

Part of the fallout of family getting involved in your business is that relationships with in-laws are often fractured and they sometimes don’t heal. He needs to completely take the responsibility, with you and with his family, for putting you where you are.


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## UndecidedinNY

thesky1291 said:


> I left mine for drug use and his anger. He has been working on it. We are considering reconciling and I am giving him time to get sober (6 months).
> I have had my MIL send rude messages in which I was very frank with her and my sister in law who was just down right nasty to me and I ended up blocking her from all contact.


If they didn't care enough about you to understand your need to protect yourself and kids, I really, really would NOT care about them at all. They put him first, despite the fact his choices were harming you, and didn't care about you at all. If you reconcile with him, I would still keep a distance from them. If you don't reconcile with him, I would stop considering them family and keep them blocked.


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## christine29

I'm lucky enough I never did experience the awkward stage with my partner's family. They treated me as one of them immediately. This really helped me a lot when I had my baby because I never really did have a hard time with them, my heart is at peace when I am with them.


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## MattMatt

Zombie Cat has sniffed out another Zombie thread. In the spirit of goodwill to all at this time of year (including dogs), he has invited Cedric the Dancing Chihuahua to join him this evening as they declare this thread to be closed.


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