# How do you move forward with gained suspicion after being lied to ?



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

This is an off shoot to my other post about my husbands online following and liking scantily clad women’s post in secret on Instagram and FB

So now what ? I know it isn’t a huge deal to most but to me that is a breach of trust when he can validate a total strangers Instagram post online by liking and even trying to message in their DMs??

So now what ? I am now left being someone I was never in the past , a suspicious wife !
To date I don’t know what else is happening , whether there’s real cheating or emotional or flirting , I have no clue and he would not tell me the truth if I asked .
He’s very guarded and defensive because he got caught .

I guess my question is how do you move on when you have doubt and distrust ? HE TELLS ME THAT MEANT NOTHING , yet he’s not officially really apologized .. In the 26 years of marriage , I suddenly don’t trust anything he says

I feel broken


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Then to be blunt, you don’t really have a marriage that can be saved at the moment. You move on by detaching and making plans for a possible life without him.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Demand access to everything (phone passwords etc) and demand marriage counseling. If he refuses either, tell him its not going to work.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If they meant nothing then why did he do it?
Not surprising your trust is broken. It's whether you think he will stop and if he does if the trust can be rebuilt.
Unless he is 100% honest about all of it then how can it work.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Savannah01 said:


> So now what ? I know it isn’t a huge deal to most but to me that is a breach of trust when he can validate a total strangers Instagram post online by liking and even trying to message in their DMs??


Liking and message attempts are to get a foot in the door for either sexting or a physical meet up.

No wonder you don't trust him. He isn't trustworthy.

Unless he shows true remorse, accepts his actions were wrong, accepts that he hurt you and broke trust, accepts full personal responsibility, is willing to cease all such activity and allow you to check whenever you want, no questions asked, I don't see how this could work or why you'd want to even try.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

I totally get where you are right now as I have had a similar situation. I have never been a jealous person.. never looked at his phone bill, never questioned his FB/Intsta, never checked where he went, never looked at his messages... never until Oct of last year. Covid times hit him hard as well as some health issues. He told me of his that he was not happy in our marriage. We are trying to make things work. He had changed his passwords to his phone and computer which I had always had access too previously. I did eventually get access to them after he had deleted everything that he was "embarrassed' about. But now I too am questioning everything.

Bottom line is that he needs to give you access to everything. Mine did but now he is guarded, so? I am not sure when the thoughts will stop and the questioning will cease. I suspect it will with time.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Savannah01 said:


> This is an off shoot to my other post about my husbands online following and liking scantily clad women’s post in secret on Instagram and FB
> 
> So now what ? I know it isn’t a huge deal to most but to me that is a breach of trust when he can validate a total strangers Instagram post online by liking and even trying to message in their DMs??
> 
> ...


All of them are real cheating, usually the only difference is proximity.
The not apologizing is a HUGE deal. Without thinking he has done anything wrong what stops this behavior in the future.
As for your question, there is no magic wand to make you get through this quickly. It is a long road of mistrust and watching his actions. If those actually hold true then maybe someday in the future you will be able to feel the trust you have lost.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Only advice I have is to not expect him to ever come clean or apologize the way you would like. That's just not what cheaters (or wannabe cheaters) do. You have to let go of that idea otherwise it will eat you alive.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> Only advice I have is to not expect him to ever come clean or apologize the way you would like. That's just not what cheaters (or wannabe cheaters) do. You have to let go of that idea otherwise it will eat you alive.


No I absolutely don’t expect him to come clean if he never even opened up about everything why would he admit to the faults even when I caught him red-handed he was giving me stupid reasons as if he didn’t know why he did it like he fell unconscious and didn’t know it was really weird and I know there’s more to it and it pains me to think what more I don’t know


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> All of them are real cheating, usually the only difference is proximity.
> The not apologizing is a HUGE deal. Without thinking he has done anything wrong what stops this behavior in the future.
> As for your question, there is no magic wand to make you get through this quickly. It is a long road of mistrust and watching his actions. If those actually hold true then maybe someday in the future you will be able to feel the trust you have lost.


Yes he has never apologize even when I caught him red-handed and asked him questions why he even did it he just couldn’t give me an answer and said it just happened that way but no remorse or no real answer except telling me that it meant nothing but that was it and then he really gaslighting me after that and kind of blamed me for it to shift things that it was my fault so it’s a big mess and I don’t know I still do care about him so I’m trying to hold on to maybe some thing that is now forever on a different level it won’t be the same


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Pip’sJourney said:


> I totally get where you are right now as I have had a similar situation. I have never been a jealous person.. never looked at his phone bill, never questioned his FB/Intsta, never checked where he went, never looked at his messages... never until Oct of last year. Covid times hit him hard as well as some health issues. He told me of his that he was not happy in our marriage. We are trying to make things work. He had changed his passwords to his phone and computer which I had always had access too previously. I did eventually get access to them after he had deleted everything that he was "embarrassed' about. But now I too am questioning everything.
> 
> Bottom line is that he needs to give you access to everything. Mine did but now he is guarded, so? I am not sure when the thoughts will stop and the questioning will cease. I suspect it will with time.


Normally I would think he would be embarrassed to especially with me catching him about all those likes and posts and everything but he hasn’t officially given a true I am sorry speech so I don’t know if there’s any real remorse or he’s too embarrassed or proud to admit that he got caught in stupid enough to do all that, I am not sure where to go from here because I’m kind of trapped between yes I know it’s a terrible situation I shouldn’t stay in but at the same time you’re still hopeful that things will turn around I don’t know what I’m holding onto maybe Holding onto the 26 years it’s not the same I know, but somehow that’s what’s keeping me here and it makes me mad


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes he has never apologize even when I caught him red-handed and asked him questions why he even did it he just couldn’t give me an answer and said it just happened that way but no remorse or no real answer except telling me that it meant nothing but that was it and then he really gaslighting me after that and kind of blamed me for it to shift things that it was my fault so it’s a big mess and I don’t know I still do care about him so I’m trying to hold on to maybe some thing that is now forever on a different level it won’t be the same


I couldn't wrap my head around staying in a relationship with someone I don't trust.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> Liking and message attempts are to get a foot in the door for either sexting or a physical meet up.
> 
> No wonder you don't trust him. He isn't trustworthy.
> 
> Unless he shows true remorse, accepts his actions were wrong, accepts that he hurt you and broke trust, accepts full personal responsibility, is willing to cease all such activity and allow you to check whenever you want, no questions asked, I don't see how this could work or why you'd want to even try.


Oh I absolutely think that that’s what his intention was to get that woman’s attention and if she happens to give him a reason to interact further I don’t doubt he would’ve taken it may be years ago I would doubt he would be that kind of person but now I don’t even know him anymore and I don’t doubt that he would under the right circumstances follow through with someone that would give him that validation it kind of is very sad because this is not the person I married I don’t know who this person is and I don’t know what to do I’m trapped between The 26 years that we’ve had even though by all accounts none of this is really good or acceptable I feel so down, defeated, confused all rolled into one


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Savannah01 said:


> Oh I absolutely think that that’s what his intention was to get that woman’s attention and if she happens to give him a reason to interact further I don’t doubt he would’ve taken it may be years ago I would doubt he would be that kind of person but now I don’t even know him anymore and I don’t doubt that he would under the right circumstances follow through with someone that would give him that validation it kind of is very sad because this is not the person I married I don’t know who this person is and I don’t know what to do I’m trapped between The 26 years that we’ve had even though by all accounts none of this is really good or acceptable I feel so down, defeated, confused all rolled into one


What you’re holding onto is an ideal. He’s changing himself to appeal to this woman while detaching from you. Whether he does or doesn’t feel remorse/apologize, be prepared to wait a long time with the way he acts. Because staying with him like you are just reinforces that he doesn’t have to feel bad about what he’s doing since you won’t leave anyway. There’s no consequences, so why be sorry?

Sorry if it sounds like I’m dumping on you, OP. You really deserve better than this.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Recent update, we talked more about my current state of suspicion and of course what is he going to say but reassure me that it meant nothing. But even though he says this I just still feel hurt he makes it sound like he is devaluing my hurt feelings by telling me I should just get over it. I told him you can’t just get over some thing even though this isn’t a physical affair it’s still a breach of trust and I still really didn’t not get any form of apology.
He quickly made a fast apology as in I’m sorry I didn’t know how it made you feel but it was fast and kind of insincere sounding or maybe he just doesn’t like the fact that he had to make an apology. I want to believe that he’s sorry or that he meant nothing but it’s really such a chop down on my self-esteem when he did this it’s like I don’t know what to think anymore about how he feels about me. It’s such a shallow Physical thing I know looking at someone’s photo and liking it. He makes it sound this way too but I just don’t really except how it makes me feel I even feel horrible Not further discussing it and holding back my feelings but I’m doing so because I don’t want things to be any worse than it is when we’re in the midst of trying to figure ourselves out to fix things


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> I don’t want things to be any worse than it is when we’re in the midst of trying to figure ourselves out to fix things


I would like to suggest not worrying about trivial things.
Men like to view attractive women, on the beach, in the mall, on pop videos, etc ...... it not something to worry about.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> I would like to suggest not worrying about trivial things.
> Men like to view attractive women, on the beach, in the mall, on pop videos, etc ...... it not something to worry about.


Yes it seems trivial, true but the point is the trust was broken regardless of it being harmless . 
and what does that “ looking “ really say to me … doesn’t make me feel any better about the situation, unfortunately


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes it seems trivial, true but the point is the trust was broken regardless of it being harmless .
> and what does that “ looking “ really say to me … doesn’t make me feel any better about the situation, unfortunately


I do not really feel it is trivial. When someone is with you and they gawk and someone else, that is hurtful. If they are truly happy with you then there is no need to stare(a glance is ok.. I get it.. you are alive). This is also true for over liking posts on social media and PMing people. I think also it is disrespectful to her.

If he is shopping for the next hot thing online.. that is hurtful.. because he has her.. and she needs to be the most beautiful thing to him. He is gaslighting you by saying it meant "nothing" If it hurt you, then it did mean something. How do you know that when he gets mad at you or is dissatisfied he is not going to just go looking for his next sexual partner online?

There really is no way you are going to know everything that he does. I have come to this conclusion.. unless you install spyware, which involves using passwords and then he would know. I do not want to be the police, that is not the way to live. I want to trust my h as I am sure you want to trust yours. I am getting there slowly but there have been many tearfilled conversations.


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