# How to not give AF what your EX thinks of you?



## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

How can I not give AF about what my EX thinks about my dating life? 

Quick backstory:
I ended 3yr relationship 6 months ago after catching my exgf on Tinder & other dating sites.

I was the dumper and had other valid reasons to do so. Yet, I still went thru the cycles of grief of the breakup months after. 

Started dating a month later being newly single. I thought a month was good enough time to heal. 

Took a break from dating 2-3 months in as I realized I needed to work on myself and wasn't completely over my former LTR.

6 months since the breakup, I've come a long way. And I def feel fine going back out into the dating world. However, I am confronted with an ISSUE that is self-inflicted.

1. My fear that my EX's belief that I am a commitment-phobe and unrealistic partner will be confirmed once I hop back on to Tinder.

If 6 months later I am out dating again, it will confirm that since I'm still searching for a relationship, that I was the problem and not her. Quite honestly, I would say "WE" contributed to our problems, but that's a whole other discussion.

Anyways, I don't want my exgf and her friends (my former friends) to believe/perceive that I am a failure at relationships and have a good laugh at my expense. It's the whole grass isn't always greener on the other side bit. 

Apparently, I still CARE that I want them to think that I must be happily in a relationship since I haven't been on Tinder for the last 3-4 months. I want her to realize that I wasn't a commitment-phobe. 

You see, when we were together, she made comments about me being a commitment phobe and insinuated that I am the problem after she kept tabs on my last two girlfriends who happened to get married not long after me. I strongly believed at the time it wasn't me. Things just didn't work out between my EXs. I knew if I found the right girl, I would make that commitment to Marry. My EXGF thought I was being unrealistic about waiting to improve our relationship before marriage. She thought I was making excuses. Said I'll never find anyone I am describing as an ideal partner.

So she would bring this up from time to time which started to made me feel more guilty and my self-esteem continued to fall. 

I know I can't control what others think, but I can control allowing them to see or not see me on Tinder or other dating sites. By not being on dating sites, she would think I would likely be in a relationship which proves I'm not a commitment phobe. However, in reality this only keeps me from finding someone. Self-sabotaging? Crazy.

A friend said I can just go on a different dating site and avoid her all together. And that's true. But I don't want to run away from my FEARS. I want to conquer them. And on a logical level, I get it. I can't control what others think. They may even likely think that I am a toxic commitment phobe no matter what. 

I just don't want to GIVE A F! 

But this FEAR is still preventing me from having the life I want to have and on my terms.

This is an isolated issue about what others think, because I can definitely say that generally I have never really cared what others think. I did what I thought was best for me and would do it. Their criticisms may bug me a little at first, but I felt secure in what I was doing and did it anyways. 

But with my exgf, I still GAF. Ugh. Maybe it's my EGO I am protecting. But of ALL the people in my life, why in the hell am I giving HER the POWER over me 6 months later??

And lastly, how do I even know she's currently on Tinder and would see me on there?

Well, here's the IRONY ( I think it's irony??).

I learned thru a friend (and I did not ask about my ex at all) that last week my exgf had to be rescued from a bad Tinder date and that she was seriously F'd up. 

So apparently, she doesn't GAF being seen on Tinder. 

Hell, she didn't care enough since she was on Tinder when we were TOGETHER (it's why I broke up with her).

Any suggestions how to work past this kind of fear? Or is Tinder just not worth it??
Should I just avoid Tinder all together for now and try another platform? Or should I face my FEARS head on? Is it changing my MINDSET and if so, HOW?

Feel free to bust my chops, but just keep it clean. But seriously,Thanks


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Just stay totally off of Tinder, @MikeinTexas ~ "180 her," and try to put her completely out of your mind! As is, she's having way too much of an effect on your life, which she shouldn't remotely have!

And it might actually help to get yourself a little intensive IC counseling!*


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

OP, its rare on here that I go the route of telling someone to grow a pair. But in your case thats exactly what you need to do. Who gives a crap what your ex thinks? With the attitude you have I am actually concerned that you might commit to the next person just because you're worried about what others think. The relationship with your ex is over. Live your life looking forward, not backwards. Basically what I am telling you to do is grow a pair. Also...block your ex-girlfriend and her friends on your phone and social media. I am still friends with most of my exes, but...if its effecting you like this you need to block them.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Most of us are failures at relationships so don't take it so hard, it takes a lot of hard work to build one, like building a house.

Affairs are like a bulldozer to your work, no amount of effort stands up to it.

Did you expose your EX?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This is the ex girlfriend who was on dating sites “Just in case” you and her didn’t work out?
You broke up many times,she would be on dating sites immediately and you crawled back to her and apologized every time.Now you are worried what this lying,cheating,scheming,manipulative excuse for a human being thinks about you.
Stop dating,just stop.
Get counseling or at least organize a search party to find out where you left your testicles and your self esteem.
If you were a friend of mine I would kick you in the ass every time you came out with this self pitying,delusional bs.
Wise ****ing up!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So you ex was on tinder and you are worried that she said you were not a good partner? Dude think about this rationally. Maybe in your gut you knew she sucked. Besides that a constant truth is that your life is much better when you start to not care what unreasonable people feel about you, or at least you don't base your actions on that. 

Strive to do the right thing and have honor. Care that you do that, be down on yourself if you don't, and do better. If you do that, the RIGHT people will care about you and see you as a good man. It's really THAT easy.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

This is easy. FILL YOUR SCHEDULE! Fill that sucker full with stuff that you like to do. Run yourself into the ground. I wouldn't even worry about dating at all. You clearly aren't ready yet baesd on your post. Get your career goals set. Find stuff you like to do that is taxing on your mind and body. 

Backpacking is great! I would be happy to teach you via PM if you have any questions. You CAN fit it in to your schedule. At least once a month if not more. Off Saturday and Sunday for example, you leave Friday after work and drive straight to the trail-head (TH). Sleep in your car, get an early start Saturday. Camp. Then hike back to your car Sunday and make the drive. You will spend your off time looking at trail maps, planning routes, reading about areas within driving distance, reading trip reports, searching online for gear, watching gear list videos and product reviews, and watching others backpacking trips to find some tips and tricks. Honing your own style and skills 

Rowing is another one. Find a club. It will take up your off time at the lake with new friends. Practicing, getting in sync. Planning outings together throughout the week. Spending time at the gym to build up your stamina. 

Find other things. You become so busy with yourself, things that you love, all the social media crap falls into nothingness as you slowly realize its all a bunch of BS on there anyway and you dont miss it. Even better, you realize you are happy with yourself. Happy setting these goals and achieving them. If you notice, the two examples I gave you are goal oriented. "I need to hike 12 miles the first day to camp, and another 8 back to the car" "I need to be able to row strenuously for 20 minutes without getting fatigued" make sure it is an activity that is taxing you both mentally and physically. You wont have time to think about the other crap going on. 

Finally, commit 100% to what you do. Work, hobbies, religion, physical fitness... Whatever it is, go at it 100%. When you do this, you don't have time to spare to think about the noise outside of your passions. You live and breathe your goals. Your achievements are celebrated, but shortly. You order a beer to celebrate your successes, but before you have finished it, you are already setting a new goal for yourself. Thinking about how you can push yourself further. How you can become better. 

Through all of this, you will find yourself. It just happens. Through achieving these goals, you realize your own limitations and strengths. You become a better man, simply through the journey. Not really your achievements. Those aren't the fruits of your labor. Your labor IS the fruit! Don't ever get that part twisted. Too many people do, then they become stuck again. Swirling around in a whirlpool of their own creation. Which is what you are doing right now!

Forget dating, you aren't ready. Fill your schedule. Do things for yourself. Set strenuous goals. Work hard to achieve them. When you are truly ready, you will know it. Now isn't the time. You aren't over your past relationship yet. You are swirling around the whirlpool trying to convince yourself you are headed downstream away from it all. Forget downstream! Bust your ass and go upstream away from it all.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

https://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Dev...00&gclid=CIDu_97P1twCFYGYxQIdGdcIZg&gclsrc=ds

"The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****" - Mark Manson

I highly recommend this read.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

I can take a tongue lashing or ass-whupping, but it's not gonna give me the answer to no longer giving a F. I heard of the book and I think it's a good suggestion so I'll check it out.

Not surprisingly, much of my limbo and giving a **** what my exgf thinks just might be that I've not fully moved on. Am I going back to her? 110% Hell No.

I may be stuck on giving AF what she thinks about me, but it certainly has nothing to do with me wanting her back, etc. But it looks like I still care about something in some capacity because I am caring what she thinks and I know that needs to stop.

As for my friends who still have connections with her....yeah, I do need to cut them off or flat out tell them I don't want to hear anything about her if I stick with their friendship.

The two times she's been brought up by my friend in conversation, it brought back thoughts and feelings about the relationship for the next few days and I'd rather forget all together. I'm sure one day her name will be brought up and she'll just be somebody that I used to know. Nothing more.

So I guess I'm not 100% through it. Damn.

I like the suggestions of staying busy, making goals and enjoying the journey. I have added new things in my life such as dance & bass guitar lessons. Would like to do volunteering, but haven't found the time for it. And making friends has been HARD. I've lost most of my friends in my breakup and others have moved away. So I end up being alone at times and that's when it seems I get like this and end up back on TAM. I haven't put more effort in this but now I'm starting to feel fed up with me dragging my feet.

As for dating, I really didn't want anything serious, hence the Tinder site as it's usually a hook-up site. But I have no problem going back to placing all the focus back on me.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

Idyit said:


> https://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Dev...00&gclid=CIDu_97P1twCFYGYxQIdGdcIZg&gclsrc=ds
> 
> "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****" - Mark Manson
> 
> I highly recommend this read.


Hey, they have a free 30 day trial and it's audio. Thanks Idyit. I'm listening to it now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Use a decent dating site and not tinder.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

MikeinTexas said:


> I like the suggestions of staying busy, making goals and enjoying the journey. I have added new things in my life such as dance & bass guitar lessons. Would like to do volunteering, but haven't found the time for it.


You don't "find" time, you make it! If its something you want to do, go do it. No excuses! I imagine you can make some great friends doing volunteer work.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Use a decent dating site and not tinder.


Is Tinder not the ideal place to look for a relationship? Is it still mainly a hookup site still? My friend suggested some other sites, so when the time comes that I'm ready, I'll look into it.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> You don't "find" time, you make it! If its something you want to do, go do it. No excuses! I imagine you can make some great friends doing volunteer work.


Thanks for the encouragement Dude. Sometimes, it has sadly taken others to light a fire under my a$$ to motivate me. Other times, I'm self motivated. 

I knew posting my fears was likely going to get me raked across the coals a bit, but I realize now I really needed to hear it.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

My take:

You seem to keep comparing your 'life after relationship' to hers. DON"T do this--always a no-win situation. Don't second-guess past decisions. She/they was/were not as invested as you were. Don't let her live rent-free in your head. Had you made a more permanent commitment, where would you be now?

You've received excellent suggestions for changing your thought patterns--never easy, but mandatory. 

Don't depend on a relationship to complete who you are! Be a whole person who offers substance to your relationship partner. You can do this and will be far happier.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Counseling. Now.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

You shouldn't care if she or her friends think any of that stuff about you, but if you think any of it's true, then look into it. That can be self-help books, talking to friends, or IC. 

It's normal to "grieve" over the end of a relationship. But like grieving over someone who died, if after several months you feel like you're not making any progress, look for some help. Sort of like if a cold doesn't get better after a week, go to the doctor.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MikeinTexas said:


> Is Tinder not the ideal place to look for a relationship? Is it still mainly a hookup site still? My friend suggested some other sites, so when the time comes that I'm ready, I'll look into it.


Yes try some others. My advise is to find one that isn't international and that isn't free.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

sunsetmist said:


> My take:
> 
> You seem to keep comparing your 'life after relationship' to hers. DON"T do this--always a no-win situation. Don't second-guess past decisions. She/they was/were not as invested as you were. Don't let her live rent-free in your head. Had you made a more permanent commitment, where would you be now?
> 
> ...





> You seem to keep comparing your 'life after relationship' to hers.


Yes. Yes I have. 

Right after the breakup I missed the relationship, the friends connections, active lifestyle, etc. with her. Then as time went on, I compared mine to hers. Assumed she found a partner already, going out partying,etc. while I remained single (intentionally) leading a quieter life. 
I know it's wrong to think like this. Recently I found out she was on Tinder and getting intoxicated while on a bad date. So it then hit me I've been going about this wrong in more than one way.



> Had you made a more permanent commitment, where would you be now?


 Permanent commitment to stay with her? Or permanent commitment to not live in the past, etc.?



> Don't depend on a relationship to complete who you are! Be a whole person who offers substance to your relationship partner. You can do this and will be far happier.


I completely agree. I was like this before I met my exGF. I was independent and completely secure with it. Then I met her and over the years, we became co-dependent. She had me spend more time at her place and doing things with her friends. If things fell apart (which they did), I was going to fall hard because of it. And I did. I don't know why I became co-dependent, but it's something I need to figure out so it doesn't repeat itself.

The last several months I've been avoiding dating because I want to build new and worthy friends, continue doing more hobbies and start volunteering. I've read my share about this and talked to a few TAM friends about it. I don't want to fill an empty void with someone else. I need to fill it with myself and my life. And being happy and loving myself. 

But it has been harder than I thought. 

Like I've mentioned before, I am already doing some hobbies.I have been out at night doing dance lessons 3x a week for example. 
But it's not enough. It's when I am home and alone is when I am most vulnerable. This is where not having friends is making things F'd for me. 
I still manage to do things, but it's not very social since it's mostly at home or with family. I think I'm equating some of this as my void and emptiness. So for the last few weeks, this has taken a toll on me.

My co-worker's girlfriend asked why didn't I have a girlfriend. I got a bit defensive and told them I don't need anyone in my life right now. It would be a want, not a need for me to be in a relationship. They replied that we need to have someone in our lives because we need companionship and it struck a nerve in me. So at my moment of weakness, I was considering going back to the dating sites. But I had doubts. That's why I came on here. Despite wanting to meet someone other than my ex, I now realize I am not ready for a meaningful relationship yet.

I joined a meetup group a few weeks ago. They go out and do things in my town. But they are super spontaneous and I miss out on some of the get togethers. So I am going to start initiating some so it's impossible for me to miss. 

I know many of you are suggesting I go to IC and I plan to. But sharing part of my life on this message board only tells part of my story. I get vulnerable at times, I think and sometimes do stupid ****e, and I come here to vent my frustrations because keeping it in will only fester and rot inside. My posts only show part of who I am, but I'm a hell of a lot better person than I'm leading some of you to believe.

I'm just someone who needs to get off his a$$ and start initiating their life with everyone else because they sure as hell haven't nor plan to come knocking on my door.

Taking an extended "Time Out" from Dating isn't bad. 

Finding more meaning in the things I like to do and having friends to spend time with is my goal. I just BETTER EFFORT on my part. I believe this will not only help me with the missing void, it can help me close the door ALL the WAY with my EXGF.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I suggested counseling because you can spill your guts, particularly if you find a good counselor. Yes, you can only give bits and pieces here and vent. If it helps, then good. But the help you get here won't replace solid IC. Seriously.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> I suggested counseling because you can spill your guts, particularly if you find a good counselor. Yes, you can only give bits and pieces here and vent. If it helps, then good. But the help you get here won't replace solid IC. Seriously.


I agree IC is better than coming on here and venting/ seeking advice. There's still certain things I want to get to the root of the matter, my FOO in particular. So it's all good Prodigal. I admit I can get a little defensive at times, but I need to hear others blunt responses too.

It's been a little over a month since my last IC. Time to go again.

Really like your tag lines. I can definitely relate with those right now.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Is she the best woman you've dated in some way? Usually, if you feel like your other prospects are a step down you'll be more obsessed with an ex. Likewise, the best way to get over an ex is to date someone better so you can logically understand that you traded up. If you aren't sure where to meet people you need to expand your social circle. That can be done by either hanging out with people that know a lot of people and are good at introductions or finding a hobby that you'll meet people at. There are running and biking groups, or other sports groups, that generally tend to have large memberships. I'm a member of a kayaking group and a running group, and am investigating a beginner sailing group for next spring.


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