# Wife "Fell Outta Love"



## Serge (Dec 21, 2011)

Hi all, 

I am going through a very hard time in my life right now. Before I begin, I would just like to apologize in advance for such a long post. I just want to be as clear as possible. Now without further ado, here's my story:

I am 51 years old, been married to my wife for 20 years, and have one daughter who is now 19.
Things between my wife and I were always great, until about last year, 2 years ago at most... I noticed that my wife, who was always so happy and enthusiastic, began to change. She suddenly seemed to not like being around me anymore, and seemed as though she was disgusted with me. Of course, it was very gradual, and worsened over the months. When I would ask her what was the matter, she would reply by saying she was pre menopausal and she just wanted space - So that is exactly what I gave her, space. I figured that I would give her space for as long as she needed it, and soon enough it would pass and things would get back to normal, but boy was I wrong. Things between us only got worse. Also note that while all this, I was the only person who her attitude towards changed. She was perfectly fine with our daughter, as well as both my parents and her parents, and all of our brothers/sisters brother-in-laws/sister-in-laws. She only changed with me.

Anyway, things between us only worsened over the years. We decided to see a counselor mid-2010, however that did not help us. He stated that my wife was perhaps going through some sort of slight depression, because my daughter was very ill back in 2009, and it may have been linked to that. She was given medications and she was said to "get better in a few months". Yeah right...

Back in June of this year, things at home became so tense between my wife and I. We stopped communnicating with eachother completely. She would often ask me to leave the house and give her a break. Give her time alone. After refusing several times, mainly because I did not want to leave my daughter, I finally gave in. I told her if that is what would make her happy, then I'd do it. I was absent from our home for 5 weeks. I still called her here and there to see how she was doing and apparently, she was doing "great" without me. After 5 weeks had past, I thought enough was enough. I told her that I was returning home, and we could work on making things better. This really angered her. After 2 nights of my return, an argument commenced between the 2 of us, and my wife then decided to leave the house and go to her mothers, because she "just could not live with me anymore". She's been away from the home ever since then. She still often visits the house during the day, however, while I'm at work. She comes over and does some laundry, clean, etc...Which I find all so strange. why do that if you no longer love me? She says she does it for our daughter but I wonder...

I've called her on many occasions, asking her if she wanted to meet up for coffee, etc, and she always refused. She did not want to have anything to do with me anymore. She flat out told me that she does not love me anymore and she does not want to continue her life with me. I cannot accept this, however. Not until I have a reason. I keep on telling her that I want her to give me a legitimate reason for wanting to end 20 years of marriage, and break up what once was such a beautiful family. We have a beautiful house together and wonderful friends, and it's such a shame to me. I cannot understand in my head how one can just "fall out of love" with their spouse, and end it there. I've begged her to come back home and give it a second chance, but she says she's been trying since 2009, and it's just hopeless right now. Please note that I do not gamble, I do not drink, I do not smoke, I do not treat her badly, etc etc... I am not a bad guy. Sure, I might not have helped out very much around the house, but I am more than willing to change this, however according to her it's too late.

Now, with all this going on, I begin to ask myself, could it be that she has another man? After so much thinking, I've realized that back in 2009, when all this started, she had attended her high school reunion, where, naturally, she caught up with many of her old friends, male and female. After this, she soon created a facebook account - something that she was so against for so long. While we were still together, she would spend many nights on the internet, while I would be watching TV, "giving her her space". Not realizing that I was possibly making one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

Anyway, back on topic, although I just cannot see myself accepting this, it just seems so likely that she has another man, however, after confronting her about this SO many times, all she's done is deny deny deny. She says there is nobody else. she just "fell outta love" with me. She said over the years she never really felt appreciated and so after so much build up, she just could not handle it any longer. But, if this was the case, why not tell me about it sooner, rather than push me away and distance herself from me.

Just some side notes here:
-Everybody in both her family and my family do not agree with what she is doing, and cannot understand her reasoning on the whole thing. This upsets her so much.
-Our daughter also is very upset with her mother for obvious reasons, and again, this upsets her very much.
-She says that she cannot understand why everybody is making a big deal out of this, when so many people get divorced. The thing that she does not understand is that many other couples have REASONS to separate. She does not have very much reason or justification behind why she wants this. It is not a relationship of 2 months, it's 20 damn years of our lives.

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling on an on here. I don't exactly know what I'm hoping to get out of this thread, but hopefully you'll post your opinions on this whole mess and some ideas/suggestions on it. I know how long this post is and I apologize again for that, but I greatly greatly appreciate anyone who took the time to read it and help me out.
Thanks!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I`d give her what she wants.

Sucks she can`t be decent enough to at least tell you why.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Let her go. It does sound like there is another man she is seeing since the reunion.

Don't chase her or bet, let her go , while you find out who he is. If he is married then tell his wife about the affair. Until the affair is done there is no hope for you reconnecting wth her. So find the affair partner and expose the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imjustlost (Dec 11, 2011)

It does sound like she has found someone else, and your intuition sounds spot on. If you can check her facebook account somehow to confirm, is maybe one way to confirm. 

I'm sorry you have to go through this.


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## Serge (Dec 21, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I`d give her what she wants.
> 
> Sucks she can`t be decent enough to at least tell you why.


I know... This is what really upsets me. If she would just tell me the reason behind why she wants this, it would make things alot easier (although still very difficult) for me to accept.


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## Serge (Dec 21, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Let her go. It does sound like there is another man she is seeing since the reunion.
> 
> Don't chase her or bet, let her go , while you find out who he is. If he is married then tell his wife about the affair. Until the affair is done there is no hope for you reconnecting wth her. So find the affair partner and expose the affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is what I intend on doing. It seems like I have no other options. I'm going to make the holidays pass and once they're over, that's my next step.


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## Serge (Dec 21, 2011)

imjustlost said:


> It does sound like she has found someone else, and your intuition sounds spot on. If you can check her facebook account somehow to confirm, is maybe one way to confirm.
> 
> I'm sorry you have to go through this.


I do in fact have some family members who still have her as a friend, and I've checked with them to see if she was up to anything, however because of the fact that she knows everyone can see what she is doing, I don't think she'd post it publicly. There are a few men who I have seen leaving messages to her, however. Men she went to school with, but according to her they're "just friends".


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Serge said:


> I do in fact have some family members who still have her as a friend, and I've checked with them to see if she was up to anything, however because of the fact that she knows everyone can see what she is doing, I don't think she'd post it publicly. *There are a few men who I have seen leaving messages to her, however. Men she went to school with, but according to her they're "just friends"*.


Theres the "smoking gun". 

Well - since she comes over to your house while you are gone to do things, I think an appropriate amount of spying can be undertaken to verify her activities while she is there (BEWARE - you may not find anything), but if there's a snowball's chance in hell, it's the only chance you've got.

The room's she spends the most time in when she makes/receives phone calls - put a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) - you can get these cheap at Staples or Walmart. If there is a computer that she uses to Facebook, etc, get a keylogger installed. Do you have a cell phone plan? Is she on it? Then pull your billing records and look for unrecognizable numbers and start tracing back from there. Absolutely do not let her know about this. Once you have your proof, do not reveal your sources.

As someone here has already said, if she is having an affair, the best way to approach it is to expose the affair - if the OM (Other Man) is married, make sure the OM's Wife is notified. Her parents, your parents, and even your adult children. 

And even with all this, Let Her Go. Its the best way for her to come back, on her own terms, if she realizes the error of her ways and wants to seek reconciliation with you. If not, you will be all the better for a new relationship with someone else.

PS. I forgot to add this: If she has a smart phone, find a way to put a key logger on it too, or get a backup of her log files. If its possible put a VAR in her car too secured with industrial strength velcro. You might catch a conversation there too.


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## Serge (Dec 21, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> Theres the "smoking gun".
> 
> Well - since she comes over to your house while you are gone to do things, I think an appropriate amount of spying can be undertaken to verify her activities while she is there (BEWARE - you may not find anything), but if there's a snowball's chance in hell, it's the only chance you've got.
> 
> ...


These are all great ideas however many of them are pretty impossible in my situation.
When she does come home, often times our daughter is there, so if she is having any form of conversations, it would not be done at our home.
The computer she uses for Facebook is the computer at her work, which I have no access to.
For the cell phones, we used to be on the same plan, however after we separated she switched to her own plan and bought herself a Facebook-friendly phone (surprise, surprise). While we were on the same plan, I did in fact find an unknown number in which she spent a lot of time talking to. I called this number without her knowing and, to my surprise, a man answered. However after speaking to my wife (and others) about it, it turns out this man is a distant relative, so there shouldn't be anything going on between them. I called the man a second time to hear what he had to say, and he said that my wife began calling him to talk and let her feelings out, and for advice, because he too went through a separation and divorce many years ago. This really upsets me however, because I don't see why she would seek help and advice from someone who she was not close to, when she could have spoken to some of her sister-in-laws or friends who she *used to* be close to. Or better yet, she should have spoken to ME about how she was feeling, rather than some distant relative who she hasn't seen in years. This is the only thing she ever admits to being wrong about.
As far as hiding recorders in rooms that she is often in, which would be at her mothers house, I think this is very risky.
Probably the best idea would be as you mentioned, to hide one in her car, however this too is very risky, and on top of it, I don't have access to her car. I could maybe get my daughter to do it but I do not want to get her mixed up in our ****. She is already suffering enough as it is.
So that's it, it just seems so likely to me that there is an affair going on here, whether emotional or physical, but boy, she sure is hiding it well.
I feel like I'm out of options. I don't know what to do anymore.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Serge said:


> I do in fact have some family members who still have her as a friend, and I've checked with them to see if she was up to anything, however because of the fact that she knows everyone can see what she is doing, I don't think she'd post it publicly. There are a few men who I have seen leaving messages to her, however. Men she went to school with, but according to her they're "just friends".


Unfortunately, it looks like she has someone else, either in fact or in mind, to replace you. I am sorry to hear that.

You need to prepare yourself emotionally, physically and mentally. If you are serious about letting her go:

1. Go see a lawyer to find out your options. Knowledge is power, and will help you navigate this regardless of what you end up doing.
2. Starting working on you emotionally. You need to detach from her. Look up the idea of a 180 (it is mentioned in many places on this forum). Remember, the 180 is not about getting her back, it is about getting you emotionally strong so that you can handle what ever happens. 
3. Get exercise. It is good for you, reduces stress, helps you sleep and makes your more attractive, whether for her or the next lady in your life.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Yeah man, It looks like youre going to have to put on the armor for a while. My ex began the same way. Increased distance, constant facebook, messages from old "just friends". 120+ calls/texts to one particular number. Then the cell phone plan was split to 2 seperate accounts. (gee wonder why?)
The first area I started thinking was if worse comes to worse, what was I going to do for myself in terms of where to live, and how would I get to see my daughter. Your daughter is old enough to do whatever she wants, so its a bit easier there than a nine year old.
You got to start thinking of worst case scenario and cover your bases. Roof over your head, financial, division of marital assets..
Ive been moved into my place for about 2 months now, and a routine is getting established. The heartache is still there. But good days do come too. I really hope it doesnt come to that for you, but preparation lessens the impact of the event.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Serge:



> I did in fact find an unknown number in which she spent a lot of time talking to. I called this number without her knowing and, to my surprise, a man answered. However after speaking to my wife (and others) about it, it turns out this man is a distant relative, so there shouldn't be anything going on between them. I called the man a second time to hear what he had to say, and he said that my wife began calling him to talk and let her feelings out, and for advice, because he too went through a separation and divorce many years ago. This really upsets me however, because I don't see why she would seek help and advice from someone who she was not close to


How distant is this "relative" - and how would you be able to confirm such "distance"? 

This is the man - and she is having an emotional affair (EA). 

My wife had an aunt who divorced her husband (much of the same as you). Guess who her boyfriend turned out to be? A "distant" first cousin. 

Yea - this stuff happens. My mom has two first cousins on her side of the family that married. Distant relations, while theoretically taboo - aren't. 

You've found the OM (other man). Expose, expose, expose!


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