# My wife says she wants a divorce. Any help appreciated?



## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

So I'm new here and have read a lot but I don't understand some of the abbreviations etc. I'm sure my situation is not new but I feel it will help to start my own tread.

I'll start at the beginning and work thru. (may jump around but I'll try my best)

Found nude pics in the recycle bin on our laptop we share. Pics that look like what you would post online, no face etc. Looked at browser history and found Craigslist surfing, personals section. I asked my wife about it and she said she had lost weight and the pics were for herself. As for the surfing she was curious is all. I am feeling insecure and I say that to her and move on. So I start looking at the laptop more to "see" what is going on. a few days go by and I find she has posted an ad! Looking for a hookup! I don't call her out on it specifically but ask her about it and she drops the bomb. She says she wants a divorce! I can't remember what all we talked about but needless to say I didn't feel good.
We talked again and I told her I was willing to do what ever to make her feel good etc. She said she wants to take the kids and move to TX from IA! I tried to be calm and said we could sell everything and go if that is what she wanted. She thought that would be good so I can be by the kids but we still wouldn't be together. She wanted to rush thru the divorce and move before school starts this fall! My son just turned 3 and my daughter will be 5 next month so I am falling apart thinking about how this will hurt them. I love my kids soo much! So I still thought we could meet in the middle and she could do what she wanted, basically I wanted the easiest solution to make the impact to the kids the easiest. A week went by with this mind set and she went out with her friend (that is what she told me anyway) got home around 4:30! So I snooped around while she was out. I found condoms in her old purse and we don't use those so who are they for? I couldn't believe it! She divorced her first husband because he cheated! and now this? So I snooped more and found she has a new cell phone. Found a dildo in plain sight! I took pictures of everything I found, it may help in court? So at this point I need a lawyer but it is the weekend. Monday I call and go see a lawyer. My wife was going to file Tuesday so I have to tell her the fight is on Monday night.
I told her I want the kids and she said the gloves are off! She also said that I am f'ing her and I told her that I wasn't trying to mess with her I was looking out for what is best for me and the kids. I don't want to be a weekend Dad!

She keeps talking to who knows who on her phone and posted more ads etc. I should say I have not told her that I snooped and found stuff. I figure I'll let her keep doing whatever and I'll keep documenting it for court. Being the Dad I will need all the help I can to keep the kids.

I have read so much online I'm surprised my boss hasn't called me into his office yet. I am currently doing the "love Dare" book but doubt it will help and at this point I don't know if I want her back? My biggest concern is our little kids! I feel it is harder and harder to be strong but I have to be for my kids!

Time line: 
March 15th she took a vacation with another couple for a few days. He is a trucker and they could ride up to the mall of america with him etc. Sounded iffy but I trusted my wife. She called and said the plan of his route changed and they were renting a car. Fine, whatever. She came back with presents etc for the kids. To be clear on the story, I had never met these people. I did ask for the gals name and number incase I needed to call. She thought I was being her father (which she hates) I tried to tell her I wasn't but I was being her husband. This should have been a big red flag but I didn't see it at the time.
March 20something, I found the nude pics etc.
March 29th I asked again and she said she wanted a divorce.
April 9th I meet lawyer.
April 10th she files.
April 12th she signs whatever at her lawyers.
April 12th I finally get to talk to my Stepson about how I still care etc about him. (met when he was 6, he is now 20)
April 14th she went out again until 4:30!

Well this is pretty long I'm sorry but I want to get this out.

Please help anyway you can. I got to keep my kids!


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## LostButReadyToBeFound (Apr 16, 2012)

Sorry you're going through that... Definitely fight for your kids. As a mom, I just don't understand why you wouldn't want your children to have a "full time" dad rather than a "weekend" dad. As much as it hurts my heart, I let my soon to be ex husband have them for almost half the week. It's what is best for the kids. Keep documenting everything as well. Craigslist hook-ups are gross. Yuck. Stay strong! These forums have helped me a lot so far.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I worry about her well being. She doesn't really know these guys she is doing whatever with and she might get hurt or a STD or ???


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Hate to say this but you should have your children DNA checked.


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## LostButReadyToBeFound (Apr 16, 2012)

I would mostly be concerned about STD's... I actually am in the HIV/STD field and know that is where a lot of people hook up and do not disclose their HIV or STD info. Hopefully she is using the protection every time. It is risky to meet people online not knowing if they are crazy or not. She is definitely putting herself at risk...


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

The kids are mine for sure they look just like me. It is almost like something snapped in her mind. We had ups and downs sure everyone does but to throw our 14 year relationship away? Our 7th year of marrige was / is next month too. I don't get it. Some of the stuff she has said in posts and e-mails makes me scared for her. If she just needed to get freaky, I could have done that. We had a wild sex life when we first got together.

So confused...


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Thought I would get more hits than this.

Going to the lawyer tomorrow to sign the petition thingy.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Going by your name, this is a site you need to check out, pronto:

Divorce Advice for Men and Fathers | Men and Divorce | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com

It's geared towards getting and keeping fair custody.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I want the kids! said:


> *The kids are mine for sure they look just like me*. It is almost like something snapped in her mind. We had ups and downs sure everyone does but to throw our 14 year relationship away? Our 7th year of marrige was / is next month too. I don't get it. Some of the stuff she has said in posts and e-mails makes me scared for her. If she just needed to get freaky, I could have done that. We had a wild sex life when we first got together.
> 
> So confused...


You CANT be sure until you get a DNA test.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

The kids look just like me. I mean my son could be me in my baby pics. I don't care if they aren't mine I have raised them from birth. 
I do know they are mine though.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When you see the lawyer make sure you talk to him about a moral clause that will prevent WW (wayward wife) hook up's/OM (other men) from being around the kids.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Thanks for the tip.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

After the lawyer....turn off the cable/internet, and her cell phone.

Protect your self finacially by stopping all credit cards and but a hold on any banking accounts.

Your WW will get pissed. but sometimes you have to push them away and make them face the reality and consequences for her unhealthy choices.

Have you made copies of her ad's?
This is very important, it shows a very unstable mother that has a very unhealthy life style.

Continue to document her coming and going, aspecially the amount of time she is gone.

Start the 180 and ask her to leave. She may refuse but the statement alone will tell her how confident you are in letting her go. AND DO NOT LET HER TAKE THE KIDS, call the cops if you have to!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

All this crap will be hard on the kids, but for now making her life style choices as difficult and inconveinent as possible to continue.

And nevr ever beg or cry for you marriage, it unattractive, right now you need to be as attractive as possible so go and get a hair cut, buy some new cloths and take care of your health, your kids are depending on to fight for the family and you can't do that when your not sleeping or eating.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

We don't have cable, the internet I use, Her phone is a secret that I'm not to know about. Basically I can't mess with that stuff.

She uses the credit card to buy groceries etc for the family. Also it is in her name. Bank acct are seperate. We never did the joint thing.

I have save copies of the ads I know about.

How can I ask her to leave when I want the kids to stay. Also I don't know that she has anywhere to go really. I guess she could crash on a couch someplace. I'm not ready for my kids to deal with that yet. I rather stay and help. We are working as a team still but it is weird.

I have done some of the 180 already but am reading "the love dare" and is says to give love to her but not expect anything back. Not sure which way is right really. I guess the love dare book is to help get her back but I thought the 180 is to do that too?

Keep posting I need the help.

Thanks,


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I am past the not sleeping and eating deal. I think I actually lost a little weight that first week. HAHA

I almost worked out last night before bed and then surfed on here instead. I plan on getting in better shape though.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The 180 has nothing to do with her, the 180 are the steps you need to take to emotionally protect your self, a way to detach and build up your emotional strength. She has beat you down so low, that when the 180 if done hard enough will help you, not her.

You can't control her, so don't try but you can control how you want to behave and the actions you take in not tolorating her unhealthy choices.


I get you love your wife, but are going to profess your love for her while she hooks up with strange man, or would you rather profess your love when she has made the healthy choices to change?

Also my point with asking her to leave and not allowing her to take the kids is just a statement that informs her the you are confident in moving on with out her if she continues.

She also uses the credit card to get accross town to be with her strange. Star doing the shopping. 

Again do the things nessary to make her life style as inconvienent and as unconfortable as possible....even if it inconvienent you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I though you guys were married, and you aren't supposed to know about her phone or mess with this stuff?????????

Please explain this to me


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

She got a new fancy phone to chat online etc. in her name only. The only way I know about it is from snooping. She is keeping it from me. So basically if I stop the net she still has it on her new phone. I would just be hurting myself. She hasn't used the laptop since she got her phone. At least I don't think so.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

So my thoughts are to keep her thinking I'm in the dark so she keeps messing up and I can document this to use in court. Or should I admit I snooped and call her out about the phone and the craigs list posts? I don't think anything is going to work out so I have been focusing on court and the "end game". Am I thinking right or wrong on this?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IMO, you have a plan so work the plan.

Gather your date, but do so under the supervision of your lawyer. Sometime there might be something very spacific that will help, other times it really doesn't matter...depends on the state.

From a laymans thinking, any thing that can prove abandonment and unsafe behavior that endangers the kids is a plus.

At the end of the day your WW can be a paid wh0re and as long as shes a responseable mother she has rights. Most courts look at the wellfar and what best for the kids, no matter how much strange your wife gets. But in the same breath abandonment issues may come into play so keep track and document her comings and goings and write down the day and amount of time she is gone.

So in short stay dark and keep quit....gather and then confront with divorce papers.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I don't know that I have a plan but I am doing something. Hopefully it will work and I get the kids they are all I care about right now. Of course I don't hate my wife, she will always be their mother. How good is up to her. I know I'll be the best I can for them since she is tossing this marriage away.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Mornig, keep it coming please.
Yesterday I get home and no one is there? I look around and see everything looks the same. I fear she has taken off or something. But that is just my insecurity. There is a snack in the living room like she left quickly? I planned on mowing the grass so I changed and went outside. She called about 5:30 to say she was on her way home. NO supper plan in place though? She got mcD's for the kids? Looking around I don't know if she was home all day? couldn't tell if she had made lunch or not. I wish I knew what she was doing. Thoughts of getting a GPS and voice recorder pop in my head all the time but i'm a cheap azz also I don't want to get caught. Maybe I'm not thinking clear?

Also on yahoo does anyone know how to make it so when I'm online I can tell if my contacts are online? That way I could maybe track how much logged in time she is using while I'm at work.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Does it matter at this point if she is online or not? She wants a divorce, she is cheating on you, sounds like a done deal.

Copy the ads on craigs list, document her staying out all night, lawyer up. I know the instinct is telling you to "worry about her", but you seem to be snooping for no reason. You already know what she is doing?


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I'm snooping to gain more proof for court. I want everything I can get to help win coustody of the kids.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

From your post earlier you pretty much said you were snooping because you wanted to know what she was doing.

"I wish I knew what she was doing."

I am just saying, what other proof do you need? You have the craiglists account, the pictures, the condoms. The last step is to literally just get her to admit it and record it. 

I am not sure where you live, but recording people without there knowledge is illegal in some areas, along with if you live in a no-fault state. Which totally throws infidelity out of the window. The pictures on craiglists might just workout for you though. That is a bit wacko


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

"i wish I knew what she was doing" I meant during the day. 
I want to be sure she is still taking good care of our kids. Seems like dishes pile up and laundry and not having supper ready for the kids etc. Stay at home mom means do this stuff right? I don't mind doing some of the work around but not to have supper ready for the kids really pisses me off. They need to eat well to grow and be healthy. I don't care if she doesn't make any for me but take care of the kids!

Yes I'm in a no fault state but I'm hoping some of the stuff I bring to court will make me look better to earn custody. The fact that she is cheating just hurts me but doesn't really help me. If you know what I mean.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Discrete infidelity rarely impacts child custody issues. But blatant infidelity, particularly if the children are aware, directly impacts a courts determination of fitness to have primary custody. Then you can always hope that a contested case goes before a prude of a judge (which happens). I don't know what your attorney has advised, but why don't YOU file for divorce, seek temporary custody pending a final determination and cite her mis-deeds as a basis for obtaining custody. That forces her to defend herself which I doubt she can do, continues to give you time to prepare your case, and makes sure the children are properly cared for.
I understand your reluctance to kick her out, which was the primary reason I waited so long to do anything. My STBXH hasn't worked in three years. Now, he is going to go scam his family members to support him while his child support accrues. It seems while I could never convince him to help his family, the courts have no problem imputing income on his sorry butt and rejecting all his lame excuses.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

She filed already and I like the idea of her leaving me. I guess in my mind that will look good to everyone else. Getting them on my side so to speak. 
I meet with my lawyer today to sign the petition.

Not having my kids everyday will hurt soo bad. Today leaving for work my daughter got up and followed me to the door. She asked if I would get her up every day and be sure to give her a hug before I left. (she doesn't have school on Wed.) I told her she needed her sleep too but she wanted me to get her up anyway. Tears my heart out thinking in the future I won't be able to get her up because she won't be here. This divorce is so stupid. I don't think I did anything wrong to justify my wife leaving etc. Why did it get to this point? Desperation pouring out again...
I love my family so much!!


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Anything more to add Ladies and Gentlemen?


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## AllieM (Apr 16, 2012)

Stop obsessing. You already know enough. You are only going to get hurt more and there is no need to add extra hurt. Trust me, I know it's hard because you want to know everything. I've obsessed far too much and found nothing. My mind and gut say one thing but I don't have solid proof. You do and it's enough. I know that feeling of having a pit in your stomach or the adrenaline rush to find out more and more info. We shouldn't have to deal with this crap!


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Sorry, I am just trying to cope. This is an outlet for me. I want to feel as if others give a crap is all. Also maybe someone will have more pointers for me. Seems like there is a lot of guys in the same boat as me. Blindsided after years of marrige, with or without kids.

It is so important for me to keep my kids I feel I have to keep pushing.


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## AllieM (Apr 16, 2012)

Noooo, I think you misunderstood! I meant stop obsessing over ways to find out what you already know. GPS, recorders, etc. It will only hurt your feelings more than it already has. Concentrate on your kids and YOU. Do not give one ounce of your time to trying to find out who she is talking to and what she is saying, etc.

So sorry my other post came across wrong.


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

I want the kids! said:


> Sorry, I am just trying to cope. This is an outlet for me. I want to feel as if others give a crap is all. Also maybe someone will have more pointers for me. Seems like there is a lot of guys in the same boat as me. Blindsided after years of marrige, with or without kids.
> 
> It is so important for me to keep my kids I feel I have to keep pushing.


I know how you feel. Coming on here is my way of trying to cope also. I have been obsessing with looking at the verizon usage and just saw an incoming call last night with all 9's. It was a 56 minute call. My son was with him at that time! 
I am making it worse for myself, but I feel I need closure to this whole messed up mystery. 
We all care and we are here for each other.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

AllieM said:


> So sorry my other post came across wrong.


OK, I know sometimes typing things out it is hard to convey what you really mean or things can be taken wrong.

No problem at all. I figure what ever is typed here is an attempt to help. 

I have posted on a couple different treads that I may or may not of helped but I try. I like to see any post on my tread. I feel it help me heal a little.

Thanks I do appreciate everyones posts and concern for me as I go thru this.


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

going thru the exact same thing. blindsided a month ago, wife making it clear that she does not want to work on it, said i would file D papers and she was okay with that, and now we're working thru D papers (taking a while since we have to get appraisal of the house to determine whether to keep it jointly or sell now).

i just can't believe the person i loved for more than a decade and who i shared so much happiness with (and she in return) could shut this down so easily. 

there seem to be so many textbook WAW cases on this forum that it's staggering. 

waking up everyday alone is so difficult and she just seems so fine with everything, it drives me even more crazy. but i just have to pick myself up and live for ME. the faster that realization comes for all of us, the better off we'll be.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Iwant: You have every fatherly right to be there for those kids, more especially since your STBXW has richly embraced the kink over there on CL. Your kids need you far more than her for nurturing and being raised in a more suitable environment. Sounds a little like my situation after 7+ years and then boom, although mine richly exhibited that she coveted her freedom and her moolah more than wanting a Christian relationship.

Best of luck to you, brother! We'll be here for you! Keep us posted!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Does she work?

Cut of all money and cancel credit cards on her. also no more money for gas etc for the car. She can walk.

Obviously she went on a sex trip back in March , if have had sex with her since you need to have an std test.

You need a lawyer ASAP to file a mention to prevent her from taking the children out of state.

Get a var for the house, and see if you can pop by home to check it out while the kids are at school.

And expose her actions to family a friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

You really think I should talk to her friends?
I've been thinking about that but don't want to piss my wife off and have her go deep cover on me. I like the idea of her screwing up so I can find the evidence.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

So I go to my lawyers yesterday to sign the petition and my name is spelled wrong. My last name that is the same as my wife.
I get home and the house looks the same as the day before. She bought supper and brought it home. Fried chicken, mash potatoes, and BBQ baked beans. Not the best meal but at least she was feeding the kids. I wish I knew what she was wasting her time with. I'd like to just yell at her to look at how she is treating our kids. Make a home cooked meal like you did before. Dang it. Frustrating. Then she worked out after supper instead of spending time with them. She could have waited until they went to bed. They go at 8PM. She finally comes back from downstairs about 7:45 and sits there. I get my sons PJs on. She does come and get his poopy diaper to take out to the trash. I read a book to my son and my daughter doesn't want to for some reason which is OK. Then I put them to bed. My wife watches a bit more TV "with" me and then goes to bed about 9PM. I here her talking on her phone all night to who knows who.

I really hope all this shows how she is moving away from taking care of our kids and I can win! My lawyer say to keep documenting everything I do to show I am the care provider.

I have to win the kids!!!


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

It makes me feel good to read posts to my story So if you have anything to add please do.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Sounds like you've got a firm handle on things, Iwant! Just keep doing what you're doing and continue to document everything. And if you need to, take those kids somewhere away from the house and spend time with them there like a movie, amusement park, et. al. It will do all of you an absolute world of good!


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Anyone want to try and answer this please.

You really think I should talk to her friends?
I've been thinking about that but don't want to piss my wife off and have her go deep cover on me. I like the idea of her screwing up so I can find the evidence.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I want the kids! said:


> Anyone want to try and answer this please.
> 
> You really think I should talk to her friends?
> I've been thinking about that but don't want to piss my wife off and have her go deep cover on me. I like the idea of her screwing up so I can find the evidence.


I think that it would greatly depend upon who the friend was and exactly how attached to your wife that they are. If it's someone who is a mutual friend to both you and her, then I can't really see a problem with that, since they don't really seem to "have a dog in the fight." But if it's one of her friends and conversely not yours, then I'd be just a tad leary of having them "blow your cover" so to speak. In any event, you'll be far better served if you will just continue to employ good old "common sense" in all that you do in talking with people about her!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do not talk to her friends, they will tip her off.

Please please continue to document and gather the evidence. Not only will this answer some questions to see what she is up to , but more importantly how far gone she really is.

IMO this is a safety issue for your kids and you must see exactly what you are dealing with with regards to how unhealthy your WW behavior really is.

This is not about knowing she is cheating this is about the extent of her unhealthy behavior.

Please get the VAR and velccro it under her set and plant one were she takes her call. Get a GPS...heaven for bid she is hanging out in some drug infested part of town.

Her current activity could have a very harmful affect on your kids safety, and with out proof it could continue even after the divorce.


The poeple she is hanging out with could have a very harmful effect on your kids safety.

Trust no one and gather more proof with a VAR and GPS, once you have all you can stand then approch the friends......but right now you don't know for sure which friend will sopport you or enable her to be unsafe.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In may case my fWW had her new friends that effected the dynamics of the marriage in a bad way. Then she had her real friends, friends that didn't have a clue to my fWW 2nd life of ONS and her rotation of hook ups. 

See the real friends are the ones that will help you, the other friends that enable her will continue to give her bad advise with regard to her children.

You need to find your allies and your enemies. You need to find out how bad she realy is with regard to capacity to care for the kids after the divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Others have said this. You need not put pressure on her current lifestyle. 

She is a SAHM. She needs to get a job now to support herself. After all she wants a divorce. If she has to work she will have less time for her shenanigans. 

Since you are fighting to be the 100% custodian of your children now, perhaps you should start practicing this role now. Cut off the credit card and you start doing all of the grocery shopping. After all you will need to do this if you have custody of the children. You prepare all of the meals for your children. Again you will have to do this. Tell her that you are taking the children out to eat a few days a week. Or tell her that you will cook dinner. 

Take the children out and do things with them.. movies, zoo, parks, get involved in their school, etc.

If you do this she will most likely just stay out and do whatever she is doing. All of this will put you more in the position of being the primary care giver. 

Find day care for your children and you take them and drop them off. This will free your wife to become less and less the care giver of the children and it will give her the time to job hunt. Just out an tell her that you are putting them in day care because she needs to find a job to support herself now that she is getting a divorce.

On the topic of you telling her to move out. At some point the two of you will separate. It would be best is you kept the family home and she moved out. She cannot move the children out of the family home without a court order to do so. If she tries, get your attorney to call an emergency court hearing to prevent her from moving them out or to get her to return them to the family home. Keeping your current home as the family home is very important because the courts hate to disrupt the children. They want the children to suffer as little as possible through the family breakup and after. If she even talks about taking them out of state have your attorney file in court to prevent her from taking them out of state. Be proactive, do this NOW.

Is there any chance that your wife has become involved with illegal drugs? Her behavior, quite honestly, does point to a very high probability of this. You can get drug testing kits at drug stores… get a kit that tests hair. You can get some of her hair and send it in for testing. I know a guy who did this when his wife’s behavior took a turn like your wife’s has. It turned out she was using heroin. He then petitioned the court to have her take a drug test before she could have unsupervised visitation with the children. It was 6 months before she would take the drug test. He ended up with 100% legal and physical custody of the children and she got occasional visitation because she refused the drug test for so many months. It’s clear that she refused the drug test because she was on drugs. She wanted to be clean before she took the test.

Have you asked your attorney what data you can gather that will help you get at least 50% custody of the children if not 100% with her only having visitation? Since you live in a no fault state, I believe that the only thing that can help you is data that shows that she is not taking care of the children and/or she is a danger to them.

If your wife is taking on the phone at home while you are not there or all night, put a VAR in the room where she is doing the talking. You will find out a lot about what is going on by doing this. I have a bit of a different opinion on this than others do. Knowledge is power. The more information you can gather about what she is up to, the more you will be able to either get her back into the marriage or fight a good fight to win the major custody of your children. Just find a place in the room to put the VAR… like Velcro it to the bottom of a couch, a bed, under a dresser, etc.
Since you use the home computer, put a key logger on it. You think that she is not using it. But she might be when you are not there. While there are a lot of nice fancy phones out there, they are cumbersome on the internet compared to using a computer. 
Whatever you do, do not move out of the family home and leave the children with her. I know that you have not mentioned this, but I have seen people here leave the family home their spouse demands it. She cannot kick you out of the family home without a court order. The court will not order either spouse out unless there is domestic violence or once the divorce if final and it is decided which spouse will stay in the family home.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I may have typed this already but...
Friday I asked my wife is she had been looking for a job or if she expected me to keep paying for everything. That didn't go over so well as you can guess. Then Sat she said something about talking to her lawyer and moving out with the kids. She thinks she can but I'm not so sure but believe me I am writing an e-mail to my lawyer before I go to bed tonight.

Later Sat we took the kids to the traveling circus. It was nice we laughed and smiled etc. But as soon as we got home she started to get ready to go out. Left at 6:45 and didn't get home until 4:30 ish.
I got supper for the kids and played and put them to bed etc.
while she was out all night again. In the morning she was hungover with a puke pail. I asked if she could watch the kids and I left for the day to go work on my van at my sisters. Her husband has a lift I can use.

It is so hard to believe my wife has fallen so far.

I think she has had some sort of mental break. I found letters dated a year ago that lead me to think she wouldn't be around. Maybe suicidal? I feel sorry for her and really care for her well being but I'm e-mailing my lawyer tonight to call asap in the morning. I pushed her friday about work and paying for things and she said she could move and take the kids. Not leave town but out of our house. I can not let that happen!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

With no employment or even prospects of such, your wife is going to be rather hard-pressed to take the kids as she's aptly demonstrated that she can not financially support them.

Get in touch with your legal counsel, pronto!


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I found some letters adressed to the family, one for each of us that my wife wrote Feb 2011. I really wanted to know what was in them because they say not to be opened until she was gone and in my case until she was off the planet! So I steamed them open and read away. The way they read she was or is suicidal! I felt so sick after reading them. I was torn between fessing up and trying to get her help or just keeping copies for court if it comes to that. I know it was over a year ago but it still bothers me a lot. I read them again today and broke down in tears. To think my wife was/is hurting so bad and all the things she is doing now with the fast and loose free sex etc to anyone that posts on craig's. I don't know what to do. I am very scared for her. I don't think the marriage is fixable but I would still like to think the kids will be able to have a good mom. The way she is acting now I worry about the kids a little during the day.

Anyone else out there willing to share such a sad hurtful story please give me some sort of support. If not here directly in a PM. Anything would help. I'm at work and starting to cry again. This is so hard...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Is she doing this partying etc. on your dime?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm not trying pike it on, but cheaters can't be good moms they simply can't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I want the kids! said:


> I found some letters adressed to the family, one for each of us that my wife wrote Feb 2011. I really wanted to know what was in them because they say not to be opened until she was gone and in my case until she was off the planet! So I steamed them open and read away. The way they read she was or is suicidal! I felt so sick after reading them. I was torn between fessing up and trying to get her help or just keeping copies for court if it comes to that. I know it was over a year ago but it still bothers me a lot. I read them again today and broke down in tears. To think my wife was/is hurting so bad and all the things she is doing now with the fast and loose free sex etc to anyone that posts on craig's. I don't know what to do. I am very scared for her. I don't think the marriage is fixable but I would still like to think the kids will be able to have a good mom. The way she is acting now I worry about the kids a little during the day.
> 
> Anyone else out there willing to share such a sad hurtful story please give me some sort of support. If not here directly in a PM. Anything would help. I'm at work and starting to cry again. This is so hard...


On the way to your lawyers office, make an IC counseling session for yourself and bring those letters along. After all, the life that you save may very well be hers, one of your kids, or quite possibly your very own!


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Is she doing this partying etc. on your dime?


Yes. I have not given her any more money since she told me she wanted a divorce but our tax return just got put into her acct so she is liquid. Thinking back I wonder if she was waiting for that to come in so she had money to file etc.??
This whole thing is sad. My poor kids...


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> On the way to your lawyers office, make an IC counseling session for yourself and bring those letters along. After all, the life that you save may very well be hers, one of your kids, or quite possibly your very own!


Do you have any suggestion on how to find a good IC? Also money is tight. I actually don't know how I will pay for daycare in the future but try not to think about it too much. I'll do what I have to one way or another. Hate to cash in my 401K but my kids are worth more than my future.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I want the kids! said:


> Do you have any suggestion on how to find a good IC? Also money is tight. I actually don't know how I will pay for daycare in the future but try not to think about it too much. I'll do what I have to one way or another. Hate to cash in my 401K but my kids are worth more than my future.


Just go online and do a search for "family counselors" in your city or county. The going rate here in Texas seems to be about $70-75/hr. and you may actually be able to find some who will work with you because of the lack of available funds on your part. Given your situation, I just think that seeing one will do you and your kids an absolute world of good!

P.S. I take it that you filed a joint tax return with STBXW? If so, how did she get that refund check into her bank account without your signature on it?


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Direct deposit / e-file, is how she got the money.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

So I recorded the living room yesterday and found she basically let my son sit in the room with the TV on while she got ready to go who knows where. She left at 10am and didn't get back until 3 something I think. This is my first recording so I may have the hours wrong? Really pisses me of how she is treating the kids. I can understand if she treats me bad she is leaving me but the kids? If she really wants them I would think she would try to show better care unstead of worse.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I want the kids! said:


> So I recorded the living room yesterday and found she basically let my son sit in the room with the TV on while she got ready to go who knows where. She left at 10am and didn't get back until 3 something I think. This is my first recording so I may have the hours wrong? Really pisses me of how she is treating the kids. I can understand if she treats me bad she is leaving me but the kids? If she really wants them I would think she would try to show better care unstead of worse.


Keep recording these, they'll come in handy when you push for child custody.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Get yourself some IC so that you do not freak out and instead find the strength to be the stable father your kids need. You job will be harder since, when with the kids, you will be entirely responsible for meeting their needs. Then, if your stbx is the way you say she is, she won't be prioritizing your kids and giving them the attention they need, which will add to your responsibility even more.

Get your lawyer and get thyself to court to request custody of your kids. How can she parent effectively if she's drinking until she's so hung over she cannot function? The kids are in danger of neglect if she moves out of state with them as she would like.

I've said this before, but you may want to go full bore and get a custody evaluation. The point is to have a psychologist dig into the family situation and assess dynamics, parenting issues, and personality issues in order to make recommendation in the best interest of the children. If you can get an expert to say (at a minimum) that the kids are best served by you having regular physical contact, you are in a good position to stay involved and make sure they are well cared-for.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

So I get home last night after work about 5:20 or so. Go see my kids in the living room and sit and hold them. Wife comes in and says she was thinking about going to the store. She didn't go during the day because my son is a little sick etc. That is fine. I ask what she had in mind for supper? Nothing was her reply. Then she asked the kids if they would like soup. So she goes to get ready and leaves about 5:45. I check around the house to try to see what she did all day. Dishes were done, half a load of laundry and that was it. Oh she did change the sheets like I asked too. So I get supper and feed the kids, also do the rest of the laundry she had started. After supper we get cleaned up and go play a little then PJ's for bed. I read a couple books and put the kids to bed at 8:00 as I am tucking my daughter in my wife comes in with the groceries. IT IS 8:15 BY THIS TIME. Makes me wonder what all she did because 2-1/2 hours seems like a long time to go to the store. Maybe I'm just letting my mind play games with myself? 

I planted a voice recorder and listened to some of that. She was on her secret phone for about an hour and a half with her whatever guy. She would have stayed on longer but my son was crying. He couldn't breath very well with his stuffy nose. He was yelling for me so I got up but my wife said she got it as I walked down the hall. And she said it again but I said he was calling me so I came. In the end I let her handle it, told my son night again and went back to bed. 

All this spying and sceeming against my wife really sucks. It pains my heart that we are in this mess but I have to do it to win my kids.

This process is so long, I wish we could just fast forward to her moving out and me having the kids. I hope I can win the kids. There is nothing more important!


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Will you please get a lawyer already.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

We both have lawyers. She filed April 10th. I had talked to my lawyer April 9th.

Am I missing something? I don't know anything about this process and worry I picked the wrong lawyer. Any pointers will be welcomed.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

So today my wife was going to Sam's club grocery store (they have an open house this weekend so you don't need to be a member to shop) I asked if she was going to take our daughter. I wanted to see if she would make a fuss. She took her. As she was leaving she aske if it would be alright to go out to lunch with our daughter. I said "i guess so" she took that to mean no. I then had to smooth that over. I told her I didn't say no, it is up to you I just needed to know if I was feeding the family or just me and my son. She calmed down and left at 10:45. Got back at 2:30. Didn't get luch because they had snacks at Sam's club (samples) then my daughter told me they stopped at a park but she didn't get to play. The slide was wet and other kids were on the swings. Mom sat and talked to a guy on a bench she told me!! I felt sick. I asked if mom introduced her, no. I probed a bit more but my daughter is only 4 (5 next month) so she isn't a good source, doesn't knowwhat to keep track of etc or a good judge of time. But I tried to give the benefit of doubt but the more I think of it, since my daughter didn't play why did they stay? It had to be a meeting or something. Really hurts that my wife is doing this in front of my daughter. Now I have been thinking of ways to catch her in the act but have not come up with anything. I want to get more specific dirt on my wife so I can have it in court.

She is out again tonight to see our son perform at a local bar. He is part of a "dance" show. She left at 5:45 and the show doesn't start until 10:30. She used the same tired line "her friend Deb" is going too. Actually my Bro is going so I called him and he said he was going around 8 or 8:30 and my wife was meeting him there. I asked he keep notes and report back. I'm sure she will be on her best behavor in front of him. I don't think my wife knows that he knows we are splitting.

I am getting more insecure everyday. I can't trust anything my wife says or does for that matter.

Any pointers to add are welcomed.

Should I try to get a GPS unit for her car? I am on a pretty tight budget.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Definitely a GPS. You can find plenty of decent priced ones on the Internet with fast shipping. Make sure to buy one with real time tracking.

Which phone she has?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Any suggestion on the GPS?

I'm not sure what phone she has it is a secret. She doesn't know that I know she has it. I have seen it but only for a slit second here and there. HJC or something like that thru US Cellular. She guards that hink like crazy. I don't know where she hides it sometimes. But it can't be far from her.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Real Time GPS Car Tracker - 1st 3 Months Free - BrickHouse Exclusive Deal

Other then her phone is she using computer a lot? Emailing and such?

Did you place a VAR in her car? You can even find tiny ones to place it in her purse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Her phone has the net on it so she never uses the computer anymore. I wish she would because I could get a lot from that but owell.
I have a var in the house so I can see how she is during the day with the kids.

I was going to try it in her car too but only have the one.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If you can buy another VAR for the car. If GPS is too expensive, have a friend/family follow her when she's out one night.

Who's paying for her phone bill?

For just incase, install a free key logger in the computer. She might just end up using it one day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

The bills are all paid by me sort of. She just got our tax return back so she is using that for everything. It is a bad deal. My lawyer says I'm sorta stuck because if she would leave she could take the kids and file for support until she got work etc. so I am stuck just doing the satis quo My lawyer said it will come out in the wash so to speak later. I'm not so sure but if it keeps my kids happy and at home with me it is a small price to pay.

I may take a day off work and follow her during the day? I don't know. It really doesn't matter but I would like the evidence to use in court.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

For following, ask a friend to do the initial following. If both of you leave at the same time it'll be suspicious. Once your friend tells you were she is at you can go and check her out, maybe even take pictures.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

So she met a guy at the park yesterday and today. Both times with my daugther in tow. I grilled my daughter a little but didn't want to push too hard because she has no idea what anything really means.

Then my daughter brought it up at supper and told my wife to tell me what happened at the park. My wife played it off like he was some husband she knows that just happened to be at the park with his kids. What a bunch of crap. two days in a row?

Also she didn't get home until 6:40 this morning from going out last night. She told me that one of the performers moms was in town for the show and she got too drunk so my wife took her to her hotel and stay with her until the morning. I don't know if I buy that either. Sounds like crap.

I know it makes me feel like crap even if it isn't true but the fact my wife didn't tell me and my daughter did makes me think it has to be planned. Stinkin cheater.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Why are you letting her into the house when she is screwing other man till morning?


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I don't know how to get rid of her and keep the kids at the same time.

My lawyer seems to think there isn't a good answer to this issue.

I live in a no fault state so she can pretty much do what she wants and take the kids and make me pay her to do it.

Sucks big time!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Do you know if she is going out anytime soon?

Ask your lawyer if you can get exclusive use of the marital home and temporary child custody.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hire a PI to get photos and details about the OM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I want the kids! said:


> I don't know how to get rid of her and keep the kids at the same time.
> 
> My lawyer seems to think there isn't a good answer to this issue.
> 
> ...



If that's the story your lawyer is handing you, then that is truly the biggest cop-out that I've ever heard from a member of the legal community. Regardless of no-fault divorces, the court's primary interest is always going to be the welfare of the children.

To that end, keep on documenting her absences from them, presumably with the OM; and document their presence with you, and you will squarely place her between the proverbial "rock and a hard place" when it comes time to award either temporary of full custody rights to either of you. 

I absolutely can't believe that your attorney would even consider giving you that kind of advice!


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I talked to another person today that went down this road and he said I'll be lucky to get 50/50 custody. I told him not to tell me that and he told me he was just being honest. I really hope the evidence I get before trial does the trick. My wife has started to turn around a bit but I think it is just a show to look better.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Keep making a journal of each and every activity you do with the kids and how your wife leaves them alone/neglected. 

I also suggest you change your lawyer to a more agressive one.

If you haven't already read this. 
Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum • View topic - THE LIST (Print It)


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Also find a better attorney. They are just people and some are ok at their job and some are great at it. Shop around don't just settle for the first
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Thanks!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

IWTK

If you want your kids fight for your kids.

Stop being cheap. Ask your wife for your 1/2 of the tax return.

Use it for a PI or a better attorney.

And keep documenting everything.

Have you ever asked your wife to just walk away.

Sign the D papers, and walk away for you and the kids.

She can live her life of CraigsList hookups and and she no longer has to sneak meeting up with her new boyfriend.

Good Luck,

HM64


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> IWTK
> 
> If you want your kids fight for your kids.
> 
> ...



Provided that you can support the kids on your own income without any mandated scheduled child support on her part, I would feel that that definitely could be something that you lay out on the table for her to look at when there's a better than real possibility that she's just simply thinking of taking the kids solely from the selfish standpoint of just trying to milk income out of you in their name.

Tell her that if she agrees to walk away free and clear, then she can make unscheduled monetary contributions to the kids of her own accord and can have liberal visitation rights. In that respect, you'll have the kids physically and be in a much better position to manage their upbringing and their general welfare.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Going to Divorce Care meeting tonight to see if it would help. Maybe I can meet someone that has additional pointers.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Cool. I hear that a lot of people get a lot of comfort and information out of it. I hope you find what you are looking for there.


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## AllieM (Apr 16, 2012)

Definitely get a better attorney. Don't settle for anything less. The first one I talked to was ho hum about things and kind of meek and didn't seem all that interested in anything I had to say and just told me what is typical but not all of it applied to me. I went to a different one yesterday and what a difference. While it's going to seriously set me back it is going to be worth every penny. I trust him and know he has my son's best interest like I do. I am the wife though so it's pretty automatic that I get custody. That's not to say you as the husband/father won't. My boss got custody of his kids when they were babies and that was years ago. They are still with him. It's possible. Get a better attorney tell him/her exactly what you want and tell him everything she's done/is doing and have proof. Good luck!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm just the_guy but what makes you think she would really take the kids? I personaly think its a tactic she is ussing to keep you in line.
I mean were is she going to go? The OM house, her friends? With kids in tow that is a lot a baggage to handle for even the best of friends. How is she going to couch hop with the kids.

I think backing her own crap will be a pain, she'll have to back the kids stuff too. Even if she did bail with the kids, I would imagine it wouldn't last long, at least with the kids. I see her coming back with in a few days and dropping off the kids.

Please stop getting blackmailed by the kids, her action will be on her if she choose to drag them around from couch to couch.

I hope you get some tool tonight that will help and the strength.


I would call her bluff and and ask her to leave. But thats just me, you have some unfinished business with regards to finding out who OM is, but I can see you getting weaker and your WW getting bolder with her A. The pain is getting worse and I see this thing blowing up sooner then latter.

Stay in control brother, flying of the handle with anger will get you kicked out of the home by the cops. IMHO she is f6cking with you big time and it concerns me that she will push you to your limits.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If I were you I would take my time, make her affair as convinient as possible while keeping a journal of how she spends the nights outside of home, neglects the kids, does no activity with kids, etc. After about a month of this I would seek primary custody for the kids. Yes its less likely for you to get primary but if you ask high from the beginning you'll have a higher chance of getting a 50/50 or even more.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Check out *Dads divorce*


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I do have thoughts of smacking the sh!t out of her but more to bring her to her senses not to hurt her.

I did have a bad thought the last time she went out. I hoped she would get hurt or killed and this may be over but it looks like she has calmed down on the craig's list stuff a bit and is focused on one guy. They talk all night and meet up during the day. Makes me sick but I don't think I will fly off the handle. I want / need my kids too much to go crazy and do something wrong.

I have made mistakes in this fight but I am trying to stay cool and gather all the evidence I can. Just the way Iowa is, it will be hard to prove I am the best option for the kids. I think I have a lot of good evidence but maybe not.

I figure the fact that she is already using a babysitter shows she can't care for the kids. then staying out all night doesn't look good. All the craigs list e-mails I have printed can only help too right?

This is going to be so hard when the kids loose one of their parents. Either me or her. I wish there was another way but she is F'ed up and I have to get the kids.

My stinking recorder ran out of batteries last night and I didn't realise. New ones in this morning again but she probably was gone all day to meet her OM.

Thanks for listening and adding to this. I always get excited when I see someone has posted. Even if it is to tell me I'm screwing up and need to change my thought process.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Went to Divorce Care group yesterday. It was OK but I had to start where they were in the program. I listened and took their info in. The one lady running the thing is on her 3rd marriage and she disagreed with the video we watched. I wanted to tell her she wasn't doing what the bible said but I kept my mouth shut. She was very chatty. I will most likely go again but it does take time away from my kids so it is hard to do. I feel I need to do as much as I can with the kids right now. Not only to look good in court but because I want to and they need me.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hows the journel going? You are writing down her comings and goings right?

It sound like she is settling for one guy so give it some time and get some info on this guy, if she starts a relationship and this guy and he is a convict, then you have a better chance to keep the kids.

If you can get his number, then thats a start, you can then get a name and do a back round check on him.

If your WW if associated with alot of rifraf then it will be better for you in court.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I write something down every day. Not sure it is the right stuff but basically everything that goes on that day that I know of. then I review the recordings too. I think this guy is a massage therapist but can't be sure. She talks to him all the time and ignores the kids. I don't know if all this will help me but it can't hurt me.

I want to get pictures of her with him but have no idea how to sneak around that much. I may have a line on a GPS unit my boss is willing to loan me. He had drill this week and said he would try to capture his route with it as that is what I will need to do.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't forget to writen the amount of time she is away form the kids.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I want the kids! said:


> I may have a line on a GPS unit my boss is willing to loan me. He had drill this week and said he would try to capture his route with it as that is what I will need to do.


Take his offer as soon as you can. Do you have any close family or friends nearby? Have them follow her and take pictures.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I have a brother but he isn't very stealth. What I may do is take a day off work and borrow a friends car. ?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

That's kind of tricky. Who are you going to leave the kids to? How are you going to leave the house right after your wife leaves?


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

My wife is a stay at home mom so I'll just go to work as normal, switch cars with someone there and then go back and wait for her to leave etc. The trick is since she is a stay at home mom I have no idea if she will go anyplace. I'll have to capture her meet up schedule from a recording or something maybe? Seems like she goes someplace everyday though. She has said on one recording that she typically drops my son off at the sitter on Tues and Thurs.

Stay at home mom with a sitter. yep, makes no sence to me.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Try the GPS on her car, if she doesnt leave the house that day you'll just be wasting hours.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

In any shape, form, or fashion, do not even begin to entertain any act of violence against anyone, no matter how much you want to. It will do them absolutely no good, and it most assuredly will do nothing to positively posture yourself with your family, friends, or the legal community!


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I'm cool as a cucumber my friend. Keep all the guns locked up tight too. Also the ammo is locked in a second location.

I'm not real angry about any of this, I just have to keep my kids.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Drop a gos onto the car she drives. Get one that logs where it is even if you aren't watching it at the time. Earn her pattern land then show up mid moment and spoil the fun.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Hoping to do just that. Seems she likes the park thing hopefully it won't get too hot too soon so she keeps doing that. I really need to scope the park out and see where I can get photos from.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

From the VAR recordings, can you guess a time she leaves? If you can't get the GPS right away you might try going to the park at that certain time.

In the mean time keep the journal going as how she is neglecting the kids and you are the primary care giver.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I am still recording and trying to figure out how to catch her red handed.

But have a question, Why would my WW lie about what goes on at home to the OM? She told him that she bathed our kids together and I got upset and then confronted her about it later in the evening. She didn't bath them together last night? and she doesn't know that I know she did it the other day. She also talked about sunbathing nude and letting my son run around naked outside. Seems like the OM is a nudest or something and she is feeding him what he wants to hear. Seems odd.

Any input here?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First cheaters lie. To everyone including themselves and OM.

Could she be trying to make herself more attactive to the OM by feeding him things that get him going.? How sick is the guy I wonder?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I wonder too. I have to get more detail on him but how?


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Any cops on here want to run a name?


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Talked to a couple PI's, they are too expensive. I tried to get a GPS at bestbuy but they said they didn't have anything that tracks Like I want.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Real Time GPS Car Tracker - 1st 3 Months Free - BrickHouse Exclusive Deal

Buy it with fast shipping so nothing more happens to your kids till it comes.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

So I met with my lawyer Fri to give him all the evidence I have to date and he e-mailed later saying that all my recordings are illegal to the point of being a class D felony. He said I should stop too. I can record if I am in the same room as the recorder but WW is alway nice around me and keeps her secrets. This stinks. Those were a lot of my case.

I did get some pictures at home after the meeting. I staked out the back yard to see if WW was going nudist again and she did. With the kids!

Any more advise that is legal for me? I don't think my case is looking so good anymore.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

COVERTLY RECORDING TELEPHONE CONVERSATIONS

If your state is one-party then you can use the recordings if you are in the same area. If you're not, you can still record it(illegally) but you can't use it in court.

Keep recording to her to listen if she has any plans to screw you over. She might be getting advices from her OM and toxic friends.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I plan to keep recording but it is risky. Class D felony is no joke.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

is your lawyer trying to help you or is he just telling you to roll over and be passive?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I don't know. This is the only lawyer I have ever dealt with. I hope I don't get screwed too badly.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I want the kids! said:


> I don't know. This is the only lawyer I have ever dealt with. I hope I don't get screwed too badly.


Get a second opinion.

You only have one chance to get this right.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

I haven't read all of your postings as I am a newbie, but I also reside in Iowa and I can tell you from the divorce proceedings of some of my friends - Iowa is a no-fault state. You may be able to prove infidelity, but that doesn't prove she is an unfit parent. And in Iowa, infidelity has no bearing on child custody. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I would urge you to stop what you are doing. Your efforts in this State will get you no where, even if you had footage of her and the OM having sex. She may be a horrible wife, but that doesn't reflect on her parenting skills. At least not to the judicial system here. Spend your time and energy on your kids. If your kids are in her care and have consistent physical injuries, photograph and document them. If they are displaying signs of emotional struggles, take them to a counselor. If they admit to a third party they are afraid of or don't want to be with their mother, try to get documentation of those conversations from the counselor. Otherwise there's not much you can do, and in Iowa getting full custody of the kids from the mother is extremely difficult to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

All the work I am putting in is to prove I am more fit to care for the kids than she is. I know the OM doesn't matter but if she does something in front of the kids that looks bad it may help me. I don't have much evidence yet but will keep trying. Every little bit may help. I write down everything. Like tonight after supper she went down stairs and left me to play and take care of the kids. She popped up from the basement just to say goodnight and back downstairs. I continued to play and read books until I put the kids to bed. She came back up a little while ago and said she was going out with her friend "Deb". I simply said "have a good time" and wrote it down.

Another thing that is in my book is the fact WW uses a sitter and is a stay at home mom. Why does she need help caring for our kids now and how will she be better in the future? Maybe this doesn't really matter but I hope so.

Any other pointers you may have are welcomed.
Thanks,


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Keep a record of that as well and I hope it's not with your money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stop giving her money for going out and fir paying babysitters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

I understand, respect, and admire your intentions. It is refreshing to see a man so willing to be a father to the lives he helped create. She certainly doesn't know what she has.

I also realize that your documentation may be a source of empowerment for you. I know firsthand in my own experience the feeling of helplessness and the sense of the loss of control over the future. Think of it this way though...let's say your wife has been recording everything she has been doing, but as if she were you? "Played with the kids tonight, read them books, H said he was going out with Dave." It becomes two conflicting ledgers with no factual proof that either side of the story is true. That's all she would have to do to discount and discredit you. I just want you to be prepared that your efforts may be for not. 

If you strongly feel what you are doing will aid you in your plight, and if doing so helps you cope, by all means I encourage you to do so. Just stay away from doing the things that will leave you with a rap sheet. Your kids need their father now more than ever. Don't do anything to jeopardize that.

Our situations are a bit different, but we both have spouses who have all but checked out of our child(den)'s lives. Take solace in knowing that even if you end up with joint, 50/50 custody, the likelihood of her being involved that much in their lives with the way she is carrying on now is likely minuscule.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I feel right now that I must keep doing what I have been so I can get enough evidence to gain custody. In Iowa the books are stacked against fathers. All this may be for nothing in the end but I will know I tried my best. Also I think the kids will find all this out in time and I want them to know I did all I could to be their father.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

My WW took the kids to another park with lakes and they went swimming. OM was there too my daughter told me.

Letting another person so close to my kids really bothers me. I know in the future after we are divorced it will happen but sneaking around while I am at work trying to support my family is just wrong.

I feel helpless, I got to go to work but I want to catch her doing "bad" things so I can get custody. 

Also since WW doesn't tell me anything my mind always thinks the worst. I worry for my kids.

Son was at the sitter the other day and at supper he ate more than me. Does the sitter take good care of my son? I have never met her. My WW never gave me her number. WW never tells me she takes my kids there.

All the lies and secrets really hurt.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I want the kids! said:


> My WW took the kids to another park with lakes and they went swimming. OM was there too my daughter told me.
> 
> Letting another person so close to my kids really bothers me. I know in the future after we are divorced it will happen but sneaking around while I am at work trying to support my family is just wrong.
> 
> ...


I,

Do not let her actions get you down.

Do not let her actions define you as a man!!

You are so much better than her and your kids will appreciate all your actions so far when they are older and realize what you did for them.

Your wayward wife is so disrespectful towards you, your marriage and yes, even your children. The OM is a loser to even stick his nose into your family at this point.

But my friend, that is what cheaters are, Big Losers.

*Do not stop fighting for your children. They are worth it and so is your happiness.
*
HM64


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Thanks for that. I am really down now from posting my feelings etc but I won't give up on my kids ever. No matter how this turns out I will be there as much as I can for my kids. They are my reason for getting up in the morning, they are my all.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Find the name/phone number and the address of the sitter. That's not something to overlook.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I have it, at least I think I do. I have no proof that is where my kids are dropped off.

I'm stuck at work all day and WW does whatever.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Did you had GPS in her car or no?


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

No GPS. Best buy didn't have any in the store. I go back and forth if I need it or not. My emotions are shot. I struggle day to day with what I am doing vs. what I should do. I second guess everything.

I guess I should get one still.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

So WW asked if I would sign something letting her take the kids on vacation to see her folks. In Texas! I let her believe I was going to talk to my lawyer about it but the answer is NO WAY!!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I want the kids! said:


> I plan to keep recording but it is risky. Class D felony is no joke.


Iwant: If you don't mind sharing with us, exactly what state are we dealing with here?


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

So I get home tonight after Divorce Care meeting and the house is dark. I figure everyone is asleep, it was 9:20. Kids bed time is 8.

So I am very quiet, go in the hall and my daughters door is open. She isn't in bed? Check around and no one is home!

WW and the kids get home about 9:45. They were at OM's. My daughter told me they painted WW arms a little but everyone had their clothes on.

Put kids to bed and had a long talk with WW. She thinks I should trust her. I try to make her understand that she broke my trust by saying she wants a divorce. She said I should still trust her as far as the kids are concerned. 

We went round and round. She is now on her secret phone talking to, I assume, OM.

WW is telling OM all sorts of lies about our conversation. Makes me out to be the bad guy. Of course. Said something about when we were talking about trust and him WW said she isn't "doing" him and that I need to go "do" someone. She told OM that when she said that I looked down and swallowed like I was guilty. Give me a break, WW knows she is the only woman I have ever been with. I really hate this WW and OM relationship. Than on the VAR she was talking about doing it to OM and if he could set up a 3way it would be great. etc etc. 
what a piece of work...

Iowa


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I hope the kids wont be with her for the 3some. She's batsh!t crazy my friend.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Where is she getting money for gas etc? Come on already cut her off. You are financing someone who is cheating right in front of you and taking the kids overto the OM, who she is arranging a gang bang with. 

Seriously drop the hammer of her world hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

She has her own bank account. I can't stop her from spending that. She also has credit cards. There is nothing I can do.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

WW was over at OM to watch his dog last night. Right... 
She still wants me to believe nothing is going on. HAHA
Today Stepson and his girlfriend came over for lunch and to play with his little sis and bro. WW would be missing from the table to talk on her secret phone. This really gets to me, her son doesn't come around that much and for her to go check her phone during what I consider quality time with the kids. Makes no sence to me. OM must be superman or something. I don't know, I'm just pissed right now.

I want to spend all my time with the kids. I hold them up as high as I can and it seems like she does just enough to get by.

Still had fun today. Played outside some. Pushed the kids on the swings, rode bikes around, walked around our yard (a little follow the leader and of course my daughter had to lead, she is 5 and in control) 

I also did some chores. Laundry, helped with supper (grilled some dogs)

WW seems nice sometimes and then turns into a big B!tch at others. 

Is there anyone else on here that is living with their WS? I see a lot of the same things as a lot of others but my specific situation seems rare. I ask myself how to get her out of here and then a split second later think about how the kids would miss her so.

My brain is mushy.

Thanks for listening again.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why don't you find the cell phone and help clean it on the washing machine?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

It is a secret phone that she thinks I don't know about. She guards it like it is keeping her alive! Plus that would only make me feel good for a little while. She would just go and get another one, wasting more money.

So I tracked the GPS and it looks like she went to a hotel last night on her "dog sit". The GPS I have is old but that is what it looks like. I drove the same path she took etc. Crazy B!tch!

Still telling OM lies about my actions towards her too. So weird.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I feel I need to type something here as an update but not sure what to spill out.

My daughter graduated from Pre-K yesterday. So now my WW has both kids all day while I am stuck at work worrying what she is doing.

WW posted a craigs list add looking for girls to join her and OM yesterday and early this morning. The second add was so nasty it got flagged already. The add shows WW complete nude body less face! and a pic of OM's private. So gross.

Makes me so sad.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Why not email her and make a schedule(as a girl)?

Seeing her face will give you enough energy to get through D.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I thought about replying but not sure if I could go thru with it. It may be a way to catch her doing something but I don't know.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I want the kids! said:


> I thought about replying but not sure if I could go thru with it. It may be a way to catch her doing something but I don't know.


You should definitely respond with an email like this:

"honey, since you have so much time to f*ck around with your sex friends i thought i would send you an email and schedule an appt. with you like a [email protected] would expect on her calendar.

Let me know if you can fit me in..... As in next to your posom, your craigs list threesome partners or your new dildo."

That is how you do it I Want The Kids.

Stop being a nice guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I want the kids! said:


> It is a secret phone that she thinks I don't know about. She guards it like it is keeping her alive! Plus that would only make me feel good for a little while. She would just go and get another one, wasting more money.
> 
> So I tracked the GPS and it looks like she went to a hotel last night on her "dog sit". The GPS I have is old but that is what it looks like. I drove the same path she took etc. Crazy B!tch!
> 
> Still telling OM lies about my actions towards her too. So weird.


Are you ready to accept what she actually is?

Her message is not the slightest bit inconsistent.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I want the kids! said:


> I feel I need to type something here as an update but not sure what to spill out.
> 
> My daughter graduated from Pre-K yesterday. So now my WW has both kids all day while I am stuck at work worrying what she is doing.
> 
> ...


You are collecting copies of these things, right?


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I am done with her for sure and yes I am collecting everything I can. Even stuff I can't use in court. I'm getting as much as possible to win custody.

She had the kids playing outside nude yesterday with silly string. By the time I got in a good spot to take pictures she had gone back inside. Also since she had clothes on I figured it wouldn't hold as much weight.

My PI skills are getting better, maybe I have found a new career?


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Oh yeah our 7th year anni. was yesterday too.

I told her "I know it doesn't mean anything anymore but happy anni and I didn't get you a gift" I was trying to guilt her. Made me laugh a bit at least even if she didn't really react.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Pretty good weekend overall. Had a lot of fun with the kids. My stepson was over yesterday to move his stuff out to go to his new rental house on campus. Seemed like my WW and step were avoiding me so I talked to my WW and asked why they hadn't asked me for help. You can't fit a dresser in a car but me and my truck are home. She said "I didn't think you would let me use your truck" I told her I wouldn't but I could use it to help. She told me to talk to my stepson about it and I told her I wanted to be sure not to get him in the middle of our situation. She sorta agreed but was still stand-off-ish. I then asked my step if he had a plan to get his dresser and he didn't than I eloded to me helping him. After a bit he came and officially asked me and I told him I thought we had just talked and I was helping? So maybe I don't relay / convay myself right? 

I still feel my stepson is "on his moms side" but I have no real proof. I understand if he is but I just wish my WW and Stepson would admit it if it is so. All these games and secrets are stupid.

I had to laugh again when helping my son move stuff into his house I came out of the back and my wife turned real quick and stuffed her secret phone in her pocket. So funny like she thinks I haven't figured it out yet. Also the clothes my WW is wearing these days are so tight I think I can read the phone model in her pocket.

Oh well enough venting for now I guess.


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## Trojan John (Sep 30, 2011)

I can't be arsed to go back and read, but why have you not exposed her yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I am letting her have as much rope as she wants so I can hang her in court and get custody of the kids. Not sure if it will work or not but I'm trying all I can.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

forward her craiglist ads to the step son, anonymously.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

I have been part of my stepsons life since he was 6 (14 years) I don't think it would be good to show him how his mom is acting. It may come out in the future but I see no need in putting it under his nose. He is a pretty good kid overall. He does some things I just don't understand but didn't we all at age 20.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How old are you and your wife? Just a word of caution. You are so caught up in collecting evidence that you are letting your wife put the kids in dangerous situations. Your wife is going off the rails. Going by the suicide letters, she is having a mental breakdown and is in a self destructive cycle. Sooner or later, she will put herself and the kids in a dangerous position. The OM is likely a predator and he feeding on your wife's metal illness. And who knows what the crowd around him is like, so exposing your kids around him should be unacceptable. 


Try getting your wife into some sort of therapy. offer an incentive in the divorce to go the therapy. She needs it. Tell her that what she is doing is very dangerous to both the kids and her in calm and non-confrontational manner. Imply that you know more that what she assumes you know without revealing anything major.(I know you are cheating but I don't care) The marriage is dead but the kids need a mom, alive and mentally sane.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

My wife turned 40 in March. I'm 41.


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## I want the kids! (Apr 17, 2012)

Why do our "others" keep lying for no reason? Sunday she told me she wanted to take our daughter to a specific event. Find out from my daughter they didn't do that at all but went a few other places. My WW told me they ran out of time but the original event was all day! So silly.


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