# What do I do? Confused.



## London_Blues (Sep 11, 2011)

Hi all.

I don't quite know where to start but it's been a long couple of years. 

I'm a 32 year old male, I have a 25 year old wife, we have just passed our 4 year anniversary and have been together for 5 years in total.

We ran in to some trouble after about a year of marriage, we have not been living together now for the past 18 months - effectively separated but still spend time together on weekends.

When she walked out on me for the first time, it was after 18 months of marriage, I was shell shocked and it hit me hard, I didn't really see that I had done anything wrong - sure we had our arguments like normal couples but I really gave everything that I had at that time. 

Then, after 4 months apart we got back together, until she walked out again 8 months later - after she had driven a wedge between my friends and family of whom, at this point, I now rarely speak to. 
I have loved her, taken care of her and tried to give her all I could in this time, but always felt like everything was never enough.

When we got back together the first time, it felt different, I was distant and I questioned if it would ever be the same, until this day I think that I was hurt so badly I don't think I can ever trust or feel the same way I used to, it was a difficult time and a lot of hurtful things were said between us. I spent over a year in counseling as she blamed the breakup almost outright on me, from that I discovered that it was not my fault, not all my fault anyway.

After the second time we separated, we agreed to seeing other people.
So as agreed I did start seeing someone else, it seemed to be going well and then my wife decided she didn't like it because she hadn't found someone so she got involved and broke us up - that was November last year. 

I am becoming frustrated, I don't want to divorce but I feel it is becoming my only option. 

One problem I have which is a real issue for me is that she is always running to her Mum. 
She will not listen to anything I tell her, yet her Mum is 'never wrong' and what she tells her is always right in her eyes. 
Her Mum is always first, I always come second, at times I've not even been second with her friends often being given precedence over me.
On my birthday a couple of months ago, had arranged to go out for a nice evening, I had paid for everything then her Mum called because she had an argument with her Step Dad and my wife ditched me to go and spend time with her Mother.
I said to her that I want to be first to my Wife - as I always put her first, this is normal right? 

Yet she told me that her Mum will always be first, and I will have to divorce her and remarry if I want my wife to be first, she says she realizes it's wrong but she will not change it. 
She has told me on multiple occasions that she wouldn't have anything to live for if her Mum died, also that she is reluctant to have kids with me because she doesn't want her kids to look like my family because they are not 'beautiful' enough for her. 

We spoke a couple of nights ago and she said that she is aware of the fact that we love each other but she says she is not in love with me, I do love her and I think that I am to an extent still in love with her, but I am beginning to have feelings of resentment. But she also says that I can't be what she wants me to be, which she explained was a 6'2", blonde, businessman, often saying that she wishes I was rich.

In recent months and weeks I have become detached from the situation because of incidents like this, and about a month ago, I met a woman that, I have so much in common with, who genuinely cares and has made me smile for the first time in years - but I stress nothing has happened between her and myself at this point other than talking on the phone and we've met for dinner a couple of times.

I guess I'm looking for justification to file for Divorce, I know I've tried and I keep on trying, my friends that I have left, tell me that she is using me, maybe she is, but when you're in so deep you don't always see what other see from afar, they tell me to stop wasting my time.

I've just sold the house, we were planning to move and start over somewhere new but then she dropped it on me a couple of days ago (as mentioned above) that she was not in love with me and that she is bored, yet she still wants to give up work and maybe just work part time when we move.

I'm having serious reservations about this. 

I feel like I am at a huge crossroad at this point.

Am I selfish for wanting to walk away from the marriage and try to be happy with somebody else?
I feel like I could give and do all she asks, but there will always be something else that she is not happy with.
I am not happy, I am on the verge of slipping into depression and I just don't know what to do.

Sorry for rambling a bit, but anyone that can offer advice or who has been in a similar situation, please feel free to speak up 

Thanks for listening.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Please dont be mad at me, but your wife sounds like a nut case or a drama queen. You will never be #1 in her life. I would divorce hed and find a real wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

London_Blues said:


> I feel like I could give and do all she asks, but there will always be something else that she is not happy with.


This is truth, right here. You married someone who has told you repeatedly, in different ways, that she really doesn't love you or want to be married to you.

Move on.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

BTW it's because of her that she doesn't love you, not because of you. She's very damaged.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Thound said:


> Please dont be mad at me, but your wife sounds like a nut case or a drama queen. You will never be #1 in her life. I would divorce hed and find a real wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed, but I would also add very immature, selfish, inconsiderate, etc.. She is definitely not marriage material. Divorce and get on with your life.


----------



## London_Blues (Sep 11, 2011)

Thound said:


> Please dont be mad at me, but your wife sounds like a nut case or a drama queen. You will never be #1 in her life. I would divorce hed and find a real wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for your honesty, I can't be mad at an opinion, or some advice.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's told you who she is. Believe her. And move on so you can find someone who will put you first. Because for sure it's not her.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

A few things in your story caught my eye.



London_Blues said:


> Then, after 4 months apart we got back together, until she walked out again 8 months later - after she had driven a wedge between my friends and family of whom, at this point, I now rarely speak to.


How did SHE drive a wedge between your family, your friends and you? I mean, she's got that much power and control that they just turn their backs on you because that's what she wanted?



London_Blues said:


> So as agreed I did start seeing someone else, it seemed to be going well and then my wife decided she didn't like it because she hadn't found someone so she got involved and broke us up


You got involved with another woman until your wife decided she didn't like it, so she broke the two of you up? How is she able to wield such powers?


----------

