# Husband cheated with prostitute - possibly gave pregnant wife an STD



## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

Hi all, I’ve been reading this forum for a little while now and, unfortunately, have to come here for some support. 

I’ve been married to my husband for 4 years, together for almost 8, and there have been a lot of trust issues throughout our marriage. Basically, my husband has lied from day 1. Literally. We have a 2 year-old daughter and I am 3 months pregnant with number 2. Two months ago, after I stumbled upon incriminating evidence, he confessed to a few betrayals from the time we were dating. He never came completely clean and claims to have “forgotten” what happened since it wasn’t important and he was drunk. He remembered a lot of irrelevant details, though, like who was there, what they said, drank and the setting, just not much about the women and what happened. Selective amnesia? His stories also changed a lot, and the more I pressed, the more he would confess, contradicting his initial story. It was like pulling teeth. He even pulled out a piece of paper to draw the whole thing out since he couldn’t keep the story straight. It was ridiculous. I never felt he came completely clean. But he reassured me over and over - while looking me straight in the eye - that he never cheated on me after we got married. I thought that was weird... so he respected a piece of paper but not me? 

Our marriage is not a very healthy one, we went to counseling but that didnt work. He is an extremely passive-agressive nice guy who constantly acted out little revenges on me, agreed to do something and then would break his word, constantly threw me under the bus with his parents and friends, never talked to me about whatever issues he had with me, etc etc. Too much stuff to list here. I did my best these last 8 years, trying as hard as I could to rebuild trust and have a real marriage. I am not perfect and am aware of my contributions to this mess.
We went for a 2-year dry spell starting when I was 4 or 5 months pregnant with our first, initiated by him. I always tried to talk about it and ask him to work with me to re-establish our sex life. He would blame for not wanting sex and that was the end of it. He never did anything about it. Just recently he confessed it wasn’t my fault, and that he would just resort to porn and masturbation to “relieve himself” because he didn’t feel like doing “all the work” to have sex with me, which I guess meant my requests for foreplay and romance so we could re-establish our connection. 

Yesterday I had to see my OB because of strange symptoms. Chlamydia was brought up as a possibility, but I am only getting tested tomorrow. On the car drive back home he mentioned using public toilets and how sometimes his penis would touch the toilet bowl. He was already trying to excuse himself. I have suspected my husband of cheating with prostitutes but he has always denied it. I told him if I tested positive for an STD, I would know he had cheated. He looked me straight in the eye and again said he never did, that I knew all there was to know. He looked guilty though and started researching chlamydia, saying that maybe he got something from his ex 10 years ago. He was trying hard to prove this was not something recent. I tested twice for chlamydia during my last pregnancy and both were negative, so there was no way he could’ve had it for 10 years and not given it to me. Plus, if he caught chlamydia, it's possible the whole family is HIV+ now. I will find out soon. I cannot believe this. 

After putting my daughter down for her afternoon nap, he sat next to me on the couch and had the saddest look on his face. I braced myself. My heart was pounding and I thought I was not going to make it through whatever he had to say. For a second there I think I had an out of body experience just looking at his face. But confess he did. He saw a prostitute after one of our fights. At first he didn’t remember when, but later confessed it had been when I was pregnant. He said it was only once, the sex was horrible and the whole thing disgusting. He has said this before about prostitutes. I don’t believe that for a second. He’s lied so many times, I’m jaded. I think it was way more than once. And I think he also had a thing with a former co-worker, which he denies as well. He’s only confessed to dirty deeds after I shoved evidence in his face, and would only come clean as far as the evidence. Never did tell me the whole story about anything, or volunteer information. I shudder to imagine how many things I’ll never find evidence for and that I’ll never know.

A strange calm came over me. I guess I was in shock. He started bawling and threw up. I never involve other people in our issues, I respected him too much and felt too shamed, but this time I called my family and told them everything. I didn’t want to go through this alone. They were, of course, disgusted.
All he could say was “I’m sorry” in a really monotone voice. He asked me to forgive him, he asked me to try again. He said he was happier with me now (WTF??). He said we were making progress and getting to a better place. 

He left last evening. I worry about him and am entertaining calling his parents to come out here to support him during this time. I don’t hate him. I am just really sad he made the choices he did and that he killed our dreams. I am grieving, but I think I’ve already been grieving for a long time. I feel sorry for him because I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes right now. He’ll have to carry this for the rest of his life. I also don’t blame myself for any of this and for not believing my gut. He led me on, he deceived me. He did this, not me. 

I intend to divorce. I am doing ok, but I’m scared this will hit me strong tomorrow or next week. I’m hoping it doesn’t break me. I’ve been entertaining divorce for soooooo long now, but always had so many doubts, always thought maybe it was me and I couldn’t let a marriage end over my own issues. Now it just seems like the right thing to do and, in a way, I’m relieved to have a clean way out.

Right now I do think we’ll be able to forge a semi-decent co-parenting relationship. Despite all he has done, he is an above average father and has pretty good qualities as a human being. Just not as a husband. Or maybe I’m just in a haze and the anger will hit me full-force in a bit. I guess I need some support and to know what to expect, as well as tips to remain strong. 
Thank you all for reading.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

If you knew he lied from the start why on EARTH did you marry him? And have kids?? 

Ask him to take a polygraph test, see his reaction.

Also, I think he is a serial cheater and you'll never be able to trust him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

I only recently found out about these lies. Whenever I suspected something, he was really good about turning it around on me and convincing me I was crazy and jealous. I just recently found out I am none of those things.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

leave him

get tested

see a lawyer


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Not only is he putting you at risk, he's putting your unborn baby at risk as well! Unfrickenbeliebable! He is so freaking disgusting! I can't imagine an unborn baby coming out with a permanent std because of their extremely selfish father.

I'm so very sorry. His excuses are extremely lame to boot. Also, I want to add that he's a serial cheater and will never stop cheating. He will continue to lie to you or any woman he's with.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

His reasoning is that he was angry at me and thus saw a prostitute once, as revenge. He is accepting full blame and seems digusted with himself. It doesn't matter. 

I think I was so mentally abused that I just don't know which way is up anymore. I can't seem to get angry, but maybe this is a defense mechanism. I feel sorry for him. What is wrong with me?


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

Everyone, and I do mean everyone, thinks he's the greatest guy in the world and that I am unstable, thanks to him.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Oh lord.....

I don't think there's anything you can do for this guy again.
The calm you feel is the realization of an impending storm and that its over between both of you.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

That's because he's talking himself up and talking you into the ground. He's doing this as an ego boost.:/

This guy is a creep. Under no circumstance should there ever be an affair. There is nothing that can justify messing around on your spouse.

I'm wondering if your in the beginnings of emotionally detaching yourself from him, which you should. He has zero respect for any women. He's a liar and a cheater that should never be forgiven. His actions are absolutely appalling. He will blame the failing marriage on you I bet. This is what happens most of the time. It looks like it truly is happening by others seeing him as this "great guy". Ugh, I'm so sorry.

My ex h tried running me into the ground like this. He had several partners during our marriage. One woman moved in 3 days after I left. They are together today and he's had several affairs on her these past 19 years. She allows them to happen.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have a reputation of being very pro reconciliation. But I am not sure if reconciliation is either possible or desirable in this case. So sorry you are here.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I have a reputation of being very pro reconciliation. But I am not sure if reconciliation is either possible or desirable in this case. So sorry you are here.


MattMatt, I don't think it's possible or desirable either. I am just scared this will tear me apart in a bit. I am too calm.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

wow, what a scumbag. Don't feel bad about believing him - guys like that are master manipulators

but you don't get chlamydia from your knob touching a toilet seat and you know it

you have to think of yourself and your kids - if you stay with this guy you'll never be able to trust him and you'll look back on your life and wonder why you spent so much of it on a lying cheat who has no respect for you

lawyer up


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

you will be fine.....stay strong......you have been put to test by life.....stay strong...overcome it with patience.....

And instead of tellig yourself that you will break as you are calm;tell yourself that you will overcome this situation happy and peaceful in thenend;;;;;;positive affirmations;;;;

You are in my prayers;;;;take care;;


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The calm you feel now is probably resolution, and, yes, you will likely experience something of a roller coaster of emotions as you detach further from your H. I hope you won't let that dissuade you. Your H has lied and lied and lied again. He will lie to you with the last words he speaks to you, either in divorce court or on his deathbed, whichever comes first.

Deceitful people really wear you out. After a while, their antics stop twisting your life around. You just want them to leave you alone, to go sell their wares somewhere else.

As for his convincing others that he is a great guy - he'll get his. Most people eventually see through this. I hope it won't stop you from acting in your own best interests.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

It's just insane to believe this is who he is. He had me and everyone else completely fooled. I remember him saying to me: "I would never lay a hand on another woman, no matter how gorgeous or if she really came on to me. I'm not like other men, I'm totally trustworthy". Even his friends would come reassure me of his trustworthiness after he complained to them of my jealousy. I was jealous for a reason, obviously. But he made me believe it was my issue and had nothing to do with him.

Major cognitive dissonance here.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This kind of very convincing lying is common apparently. Just keep reading here & you will see how sadly typical your H's behavior is for someone who wants his cake and eat it, too.

I bet if he were to be honest for a change and try to explain why he wants you and his family, but at the same time is betraying you with other women, he would be struck dumb. I'll bet the farm that he has no rational idea why he wants you in his life when he is clearly so interested in cheating. They want what they want & that's the only answer there is. And he will lie forever in order to get what he wants.

Again, I hope you won't feel pressure to stay because he's managed to hoodwink everyone else about his cr*ppy character.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> This kind of very convincing lying is common apparently. Just keep reading here & you will see how sadly typical your H's behavior is for someone who wants his cake and eat it, too.
> 
> I bet if he were to be honest for a change and try to explain why he wants you and his family, but at the same time is betraying you with other women, he would be struck dumb. I'll bet the farm that he has no rational idea why he wants you in his life when he is clearly so interested in cheating. They want what they want & that's the only answer there is. And he will lie forever in order to get what he wants.
> 
> Again, I hope you won't feel pressure to stay because he's managed to hoodwink everyone else about his cr*ppy character.


I always asked him why he wanted to be with me. He says cause he loves me. I ask him what he loves about me, and he really squirms in his seat with that question. The best he can come up with is "you're authentic". Our therapist asked him the same question and he couldn't answer either. Now, if I ask him to list the things he DOESN'T like about me, he could write a book on the spot. Easily. 

This is all so strange to me. I can't relate at all. I can't believe someone can be like this. If he was unhappy or unsure... then why? Why stay and not actively work to change things? Why do this? Why lie and betray and then blame me and try to make me work harder to be worthy of his love? Why badmouth me to friends and family but not once try to solve things WITH ME? Why did he need so many allies against me? Is he a psychopath? Why in the world do I feel sorry for him and still empathize with his pain despite everything he did? Am I insane?

God, I was always SO transparent. I had this immense need to share everything with him. 

I made an appointment with our former marriage therapist. Hopefully she can help me screw my head back right.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

From your original post, it sounds like he's been acting out passive aggressively throughout your relationship. People like this will always badmouth you, subvert you, and self-justify. It just kind of is what it is.

If I were you, I would cut my losses now. If you don't, you will have a lifetime of pain and betrayal. And who wants to always be portrayed as the bad guy in the drama? Life is too short to spend it that way.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

Yes, he is passive-agressive. I asked him to see a therapist a couple of months ago so he could work on his issues, which he agreed to do. He did admit to having strong passive-agressive tendencies. Long story short, after a couple of sessions, his therapist told him I was abusive and urged him to divorce me. His issues were never even broached. I can only imagine how monstrous he makes me sound to people.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

SandyD said:


> Yes, he is passive-agressive. I asked him to see a therapist a couple of months ago so he could work on his issues, which he agreed to do. He did admit to having strong passive-agressive tendencies. Long story short, after a couple of sessions, his therapist told him I was abusive and urged him to divorce me. His issues were never even broached. I can only imagine how monstrous he makes me sound to people.


Time to cut your losses.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Perpetual victims need, by default, perpetrators. Many of them, who are always out there to take adventage of their good nature. Of course, those closer to them are the worse.
Living with hard core passive agressive people is no way to live.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

Having him around was seriously warping my reality and clouding my judgement. He would always go to his parents when we fought and they'd basically reassure him that he was an excellent husband and I had mental problems. They always advised him to divorce me, but were always very sweet to my face. I asked him countless times "Well, why don't you?". He would say because he believed in us and was hopeful for the future. After 8 years of living with a monster (that would be me), you would think he would've left a long time go.

I just packed the stuff he left behind. It was weird. Seeing all these old clothes, like the t-shirt he was wearing when I first met him, made me realize I never knew him. I bought into a fantasy. I feel I'm having some clarity for the first time now that he isn't around to feed me his warped version of who I am or who he is. It's pretty disturbing.

I'm having some intrusive thoughts of him lying in bed with a prostitute, and I have to change my thoughts real quick cause my heart seriously hurts. 

As soon as I put my sweet daughter to bed tonight I'll probably fall apart.

He's staying at a friend's and sent me an email with circus tickets we'd bought a while ago. He told me to go and enjoy myself and ended with "sorry for ****ing everything up". 

The depth of his caring is truly astounding.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

SandyD said:


> Hi all, I’ve been reading this forum for a little while now and, unfortunately, have to come here for some support.
> 
> I’ve been married to my husband for 4 years, together for almost 8, and there have been a lot of trust issues throughout our marriage. Basically, my husband has lied from day 1. Literally. We have a 2 year-old daughter and I am 3 months pregnant with number 2. Two months ago, after I stumbled upon incriminating evidence, he confessed to a few betrayals from the time we were dating. He never came completely clean and claims to have “forgotten” what happened since it wasn’t important and he was drunk. He remembered a lot of irrelevant details, though, like who was there, what they said, drank and the setting, just not much about the women and what happened. Selective amnesia? His stories also changed a lot, and the more I pressed, the more he would confess, contradicting his initial story. It was like pulling teeth. He even pulled out a piece of paper to draw the whole thing out since he couldn’t keep the story straight. It was ridiculous. I never felt he came completely clean. But he reassured me over and over - while looking me straight in the eye - that he never cheated on me after we got married. I thought that was weird... so he respected a piece of paper but not me?
> 
> ...


I haven't read the entire post yet, but you CANNOT get an STD from a toilet bowl. The only way to get an STD is by having sex with someone who has it. 

My ex tried to pull that one on me, more then once. The first time I got Chlamydia, i was pregnant and they always test for STD's. It was positive. My ex tried to tell me that he had gotten it from sitting on a public toilet. The second time was when I had gotten crabs (EWWW, just thinking about it makes my skin crawl) He said that he had gotten them the same way..

Ok i am back to reading.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

SandyD said:


> His reasoning is that he was angry at me and thus saw a prostitute once, as revenge. He is accepting full blame and seems digusted with himself. It doesn't matter.
> 
> I think I was so mentally abused that I just don't know which way is up anymore. I can't seem to get angry, but maybe this is a defense mechanism. I feel sorry for him. What is wrong with me?


 I am willing to bet, that him seeing a prostitute happened more then once.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I'm not like other men, I'm totally trustworthy


Whoa! Mr Blowhard, or what! He sure likes blowing his own trumpet. But I am not keen on where he sticks it to get the wind to make his music.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

ladybird said:


> I am willing to bet, that him seeing a prostitute happened more then once.


:iagree:

SandyD,

You are in a state of shock. The roller coaster of emotions will come. Please surround yourself with a great support group. Now is the time to let everyone know he gave you (while pregnant) an SDT while he was being unfaithful and sleeping with prostitutes. 
He should hang his head in shame and his peers should judge him for who he really is.... A cheating B*stard!!!!

My gut is telling me this is not an isolated incident. I'm afraid your husband may have a long history of this. He's been giving you trickle truths. This is just the tip of the iceberg!


Stay strong....


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

SandyD said:


> I always asked him why he wanted to be with me. He says cause he loves me. I ask him what he loves about me, and he really squirms in his seat with that question. The best he can come up with is "you're authentic". Our therapist asked him the same question and he couldn't answer either. Now, if I ask him to list the things he DOESN'T like about me, he could write a book on the spot. Easily.
> 
> This is all so strange to me. I can't relate at all. I can't believe someone can be like this. If he was unhappy or unsure... then why? Why stay and not actively work to change things? Why do this? Why lie and betray and then blame me and try to make me work harder to be worthy of his love? Why badmouth me to friends and family but not once try to solve things WITH ME? Why did he need so many allies against me? Is he a psychopath? Why in the world do I feel sorry for him and still empathize with his pain despite everything he did? Am I insane?
> 
> ...


 This is what they do. They take the blame off of themselves and blame other people for their mistakes. Everything is always your fault no matter what you do. 

Don't feel sorry for him, this is what he wants you to do, he also wants to make you think that it is your fault.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

To be honest, I found this site today. The more I read, the more I am reminded of how stupid I've been. This is the third story I have read that reminds me of my 'life'. Can it even be called that? I mean, I have let another adult destroy my life for the last several years. It didn't matter whether I was pregnant or had just lost a pregnancy, which happened twice. It's almost as if our husbands were relatives or something. I do not have an STD. But all the lying, the hotel room receipts, the pc history full of escort sites he was only curious about, everything. For 19 months we went to marital counseling until this month, I just stopped. They are wasting my time. Not once has the therapist said he is a sex addict or even alcoholic, and I know he is both. I just cant do this anymore. You know how my times Ive been told, 'sorry', 'i dont remember', 'i was drunk', 'i love you.' A few weeks after I lost pregnancy he went out and called a prostitute, he spent 6k at a strip club, he was taken to the hospital by the police that were called from the club. And you know what? I can't say this hadnt started years later, with going to local clubs and only spending $1k a pop and me then finding escort services on the call log or a hotel receipt on his cc bill. So as you can see, it wont get better, it will only escalate. I regret waiting another yr and a half to try useless therapy.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

Silverlining said:


> :iagree:
> 
> SandyD,
> 
> ...


It dawned on me last night just how much lying went on. I read about serial cheaters and, yes, he is one. How did he pull that one over me? I guess it's really hard to believe in what you know when everyone around you buys into his mask.

I also think he saw a prostitute more than once. I really don't want to hear anymore stories though. I know the truth is much uglier than I can bear right now.

It scares me that he is going to turn this around with his friends and family and have me blamed. He'll mention the sexless period in our marriage (which he inititated and, despite my trying to resolve things, never did anything to change) and how he only saw a prostitute once. It seems almost forgivable. Of course, he also cheated when we were dating, at least 3 times that I know of, so...

What should I do? Should I facebook his friends and let them know?


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

ItsGonnabeAlright said:


> For 19 months we went to marital counseling until this month, I just stopped. They are wasting my time. Not once has the therapist said he is a sex addict or even alcoholic, and I know he is both. I just cant do this anymore. You know how my times Ive been told, 'sorry', 'i dont remember', 'i was drunk', 'i love you.'


Oh my god, my husband had our therapist fooled too. I do remember, however, the possibility of narcissistic personality disorder being brought up. He's too shy and quiet, though, so I never thought that could be him. He almost seems psychopathic because of his lack of empathy. I mean, the things he's done to me and said about me to others... seriously, I could not ever do that to him, and he probably would have deserved it. I just couldn't though, because I loved him and would never want to hurt him. This is something that really messed me up too because my thinking was, if I would never do these things to him and he did it to me, it must mean I really am horrible and I do deserve it. I should be so lucky to have someone who will still want me despite all my flaws, which he made sure i knew. 

I'm glad I can start using my own eyes to look at things without him telling me that I always assume the worst in people, and that I have issues. Maybe I do have issues. Maybe I have HUUUUGE issues... still, I'd rather live with peace and dignity. I don't need to sleep with the enemy every night.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

The kind of clarity I'm starting to have now would've never been possible with him around to mess with my thoughts or with my hoping to save our marriage. In a way, I'm glad this happened. Someone was listening to my prayers.


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## InAi (Jul 15, 2012)

I went through similar. I was devastated when I found out he had been with prostitutes. I had known nothing. He was also highly manipulative and a very convincing liar. He then went around bad-mouthing me to family and friends.

It's been nearly two years. I'm now divorced. The betrayal and the lies were so hard to come to terms with. I couldn't believe a person could be so non-empathetic.

I still go for counseling. That has really helped.

Wishing you strength to get over this.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

InAi said:


> I went through similar. I was devastated when I found out he had been with prostitutes. I had known nothing. He was also highly manipulative and a very convincing liar. He then went around bad-mouthing me to family and friends.
> 
> It's been nearly two years. I'm now divorced. The betrayal and the lies were so hard to come to terms with. I couldn't believe a person could be so non-empathetic.
> 
> ...



Do you think there was anything you could've done differently to preserve yourself and your image during the divorce?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

You're on the right path to leave and start a new life. I highly recommend a therapist to help since he'll continue to get nasty throughout the divorce.

Keep in mind that this man knowingly endangered the life of his unborn child. That is NOT a good father. What other types of risks will he take with them? 

Get a really good attorney and do NOT cut him any slack. What he has done to you and your family is heinous.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

SandyD said:


> Do you think there was anything you could've done differently to preserve yourself and your image during the divorce?


You could always put him on cheaterville.com. I'm almost 100% sure from what you've written here that you will not have the stomach or heart for this, but it would definitely take the wind out of his sails when it came to refashioning history to his own liking & then convincing everyone and his brother that he's the victim.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

SandyD said:


> Hi all, I’ve been reading this forum for a little while now and, unfortunately, have to come here for some support.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Don't allow him to lie to you and himself. He enjoyed the prostitute, when they had sex. He may feel ashamed afterwards, but while they are engaged in the sex he loved it. Perhaps because it was something strange and new or perhaps because he feels it's dirty and disgusting and that enthralls him. 

He needs to face this part of himself.

For me the prostitutes and the affair was about the strange and new. Both the prostitute and my affair partner really liked down and dirty sex. The type my wife did not like. My wife wanted romance. The prostitutes would just present their rear and let me put in anywhere I wanted. The affair partner was the same way. Surprisingly, she constantly seemed to be ready for sex anytime anywhere. She needed no foreplay to let me go at her, and she seemed to love it, no matter what type of sex it was or which orifice I chose. She was a lot less work than my wife and it was a different type of sex. I am still a pig, and now my wife has left me.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> You could always put him on cheaterville.com. I'm almost 100% sure from what you've written here that you will not have the stomach or heart for this, but it would definitely take the wind out of his sails when it came to refashioning history to his own liking & then convincing everyone and his brother that he's the victim.


I'm in Brazil, I don't think that would work. Family and friends are where it's at, but I've already been so mentally abused that I almost want to make a quiet escape without much of a fuss. He might retaliate pretty badly.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

SandyD said:


> I'm in Brazil, I don't think that would work. Family and friends are where it's at, but I've already been so mentally abused that I almost want to make a quiet escape without much of a fuss. He might retaliate pretty badly.


Definitely expose his behavior to both sides of the family and to your friends. He seems like the type to become even more abusive and manipulative so that will help you gain their support. 

Think long term - 'not much of a fuss' doesn't help you with supporting your children. I cannot say it enough, get a really good attorney.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> Don't allow him to lie to you and himself. He enjoyed the prostitute, when they had sex. He may feel ashamed afterwards, but while they are engaged in the sex he loved it. Perhaps because it was something strange and new or perhaps because he feels it's dirty and disgusting and that enthralls him.
> 
> He needs to face this part of himself.
> 
> For me the prostitutes and the affair was about the strange and new. Both the prostitute and my affair partner really liked down and dirty sex. The type my wife did not like. My wife wanted romance. The prostitutes would just present their rear and let me put in anywhere I wanted. The affair partner was the same way. Surprisingly, she constantly seemed to be ready for sex anytime anywhere. She needed no foreplay to let me go at her, and she seemed to love it, no matter what type of sex it was or which orifice I chose. She was a lot less work than my wife and it was a different type of sex. I am still a pig, and now my wife has left me.


You know... I think the betrayals were a blessing in disguise. I am just glad to be able to free myself from mental/emotional abuse. There was much more going on, obviously, and I was in pain for much of our relationship without realizing wher eit had been coming from. But cheating is tangible, so there's no second guessing myself there as there was in the rest of the relationship. 

I totally get it about the rough sex, but with his premature ejaculation there wasn't much enjoyment to be had. "I'm sorry, honey" was an integral part of our sex life. 

The other strange thing is that, according to him, he never masturbated. I wonder if that was a lie or if he just saw prostitutes when he was single or wasn't gettng enough from a girlfriend to "relieve himself".

Forgot to add: I'm sorry your wife left. Well, not really... but I understand how devastating this must be to you, and I do empathize.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

SandyD said:


> You know... I think the betrayals were a blessing in disguise. I am just glad to be able to free myself from mental/emotional abuse. There was much more going on, obviously, and I was in pain for much of our relationship without realizing wher eit had been coming from. But cheating is tangible, so there's no second guessing myself there as there was in the rest of the relationship.
> 
> I totally get it about the rough sex, but with his premature ejaculation there wasn't much enjoyment to be had. "I'm sorry, honey" was an integral part of our sex life.
> 
> ...


I don't expect you to feel sorry for me but thanks for the empathy. It is beyond kind. 

If there was other abuse going on and your sex life was crummy, I do not blame you for leaving. I don't blame my wife for leaving me either. I was acting like a jerk. My wife did nothing wrong and was and is a good person.

It's possible your husband strayed because of his premature ejaculation. It's common for a guy having sexual difficulties to want to test himself with someone new. The sad part is that the newness might override his problems, at least in the beginning until the newness wears off. Sorry you had to deal with that.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

Husband just sent me a txt:

"please forgive me. I feel like garbage. It's only been a day but it feels like a month. I can't stop crying and beating myself for what I've done. I dont want to lose my family and the womn I love... so sorry."

Am I the only one who gets the impression that he just doesn't get it? Why so much focus on him and what he wants? Does he really expect me to snap a finger and be fine with it so he can feel better? He never even came totally clean with his past betrayals, he just coveniently forgot everything...

I shot his family, including brother and sister-in-law, an email detailing extactly what had happened and asked them to support him during this difficult time. I feel bad for it, like I'm opening a can of really ugly worms and humiliating my husband, but I didn't do anything wrong and he has badmouthed me for sooooo much less and never flinched. Still, I flinch. Ugh. Sucks having empathy.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

I need anti-empathy counseling. Please someone beat this into my head. I am the queen of taking blame so other people don't hurt. I never get it in return though.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Every time you feel guilty about something, ask yourself, 'Did I cause this?'. 

When he says things like that to you, don't reply or get sucked in to it. Just tell him that you're working on forgiving him but that you have to do what is right for you and your happiness now. If he persists, I would tell him that HE made the choices to betray your marriage. 

Forgiving him will come in time for your own healing but forgetting, well, that's another story.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> It's common for a guy having sexual difficulties to want to test himself with someone new. The sad part is that the newness might override his problems, at least in the beginning until the newness wears off. Sorry you had to deal with that.


Remorseful... I don't think my husband has ever not had P.E. with anyone, not with a new partner and not with an established one. If anything, he said that doing it more often would help. Trust me, it does not. I can only imagine how much bang he got for his buck with the prostitutes.... easy money for them.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Could it be that he cheated with a "non-professional" woman rather than a prostitute? I say that because if you have an STD, that would imply unprotected sex. I would assume he would not be so stupid as to have unprotected sex with a prostitute (or, alternatively, a prostitute would demand some protection from her clients). However, we have seen countless threads where cheaters engage in unprotected sex during the affair.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Every time you feel guilty about something, ask yourself, 'Did I cause this?'.


Thank you for this. It's just that I put myself in other people's shoes and think I would want compassion if I had done something horrible... or maybe I wouldn't, I don't know. I just don't have it in me to hurt someone who's already down.


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## SandyD (Nov 18, 2012)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Could it be that he cheated with a "non-professional" woman rather than a prostitute? I say that because if you have an STD, that would imply unprotected sex. I would assume he would not be so stupid as to have unprotected sex with a prostitute (or, alternatively, a prostitute would demand some protection from her clients). However, we have seen countless threads where cheaters engage in unprotected sex during the affair.


Yes, it could be. But he's prtty good about wearing condoms and I don't think he's had an actual affair. But... what do I know? This is, like someone else mentioned, probably just the tip of the iceberg.

I find it hilarious that he has always said that sleeping with hookers is disgusting and weird. Yet he still did it, all th while claiming how disgusting the whole thing was. You know what would've been disgusting? If instead of a woman it was some guy. Doubt that would've repeated itself.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

SandyD said:


> Thank you for this. It's just that I put myself in other people's shoes and think I would want compassion if I had done something horrible... or maybe I wouldn't, I don't know. I just don't have it in me to hurt someone who's already down.


YOU are not hurting him. HE chose to do this. Keep reminding yourself of that - take back control of YOUR life and YOUR decisions and let go of his. 

Consider for a few moments how we teach our children about actions and consequences. For instance, IF you touch a hot stove, you WILL get burned. IF you hit your sister, you WILL get a punishment. 

So, in this situation IF you cheat on your wife with a hooker and endanger her health and the health of your unborn child, you WILL get .... ?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You don't have to deny your empathetic self in order to handle him. You just don't have to take the extra step to try to help him.

So, when he says, "I'm so sorry," you simply say, "I am, too." All this means is that you are sorry for the whole thing, for what he's made of your lives. Feel empathetic for that, for that waste, but you don't have to feel his pain.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

SandyD said:


> It dawned on me last night just how much lying went on. I read about serial cheaters and, yes, he is one. How did he pull that one over me? I guess it's really hard to believe in what you know when everyone around you buys into his mask.
> 
> I also think he saw a prostitute more than once. I really don't want to hear anymore stories though. I know the truth is much uglier than I can bear right now.
> 
> ...


 People like your husband use trust against you. You trust them and don't question them, because of trust. I am not saying that you should never trust any man again, but trust has to be earned and not just given out.

I am sorry that you are here, but I am happy that you found TAM. Stay Strong. My favorite saying is "what ever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" It is the truth.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

SandyD said:


> Yes, it could be. But he's prtty good about wearing condoms and I don't think he's had an actual affair. But... what do I know? This is, like someone else mentioned, probably just the tip of the iceberg.
> 
> I find it hilarious that he has always said that sleeping with hookers is disgusting and weird. Yet he still did it, all th while claiming how disgusting the whole thing was. You know what would've been disgusting? If instead of a woman it was some guy. Doubt that would've repeated itself.


 He did have unprotected sex..

I think that there is more then what he is telling you. He is only telling you what you already know. It is just the tip of the ice burg. 

I would get out before he gives you something that you can't get rid of. He has already shown you that he doesn't care about your health, by giving you an STD.


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