# Suspicions about wife and male coworker.



## Cwbishop82

I realize this could all just be in my head and I'm simply being jealous, but I feel like it's something I need to bring up. Before I start let me say that my wife and I have a pretty good marriage, we have our arguments and petty issues just like any other, but nothing earth shattering. My wife started a new job about four months ago, her and a guy she works with were in the same group of new hires together and are now the only two from that group that are still working there. The problem I'm having is that she talks about this guy A LOT! I recently mentioned taking an interest in blacksmithing and she responded with "oh Steve used to be a blacksmith." I applied for a job at a local foundry and I get "oh Steve used to work there!" Every day I hear this guy's mentioned at least once or twice, and I know for a fact that they often share dirty jokes and make sexual innuendos with each other all the time. Now this may not seem like much, but one day she came home from work and said that Steve bought her lunch that day. I thought nothing of it at the time and said "cool" and she got upset with me. She was upset that I didn't question it or act jelous. Is this normal? Am I just being paranoid or should I actually be concerned? 

P.S. If it makes any difference we've been married for 8 years.

EDIT: I wanted to point this one particular instance out real quick. The other day when I picked her up from work, she told me this Steve guy told her "you're my favorite peanut!" Her response? "Awwwww!" Again maybe I'm just being paranoid but who talks like that with a co-worker?


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## ButtPunch

Cwbishop82 said:


> I realize this could all just be in my head and I'm simply being jealous, but I feel like it's something I need to bring up. Before I start let me say that my wife and I have a pretty good marriage, we have our arguments and petty issues just like any other, but nothing earth shattering. My wife started a new job about four months ago, her and a guy she works with were in the same group of new hires together and are now the only two from that group that are still working there. The problem I'm having is that she talks about this guy A LOT! I recently mentioned taking an interest in blacksmithing and she responded with "oh Steve used to be a blacksmith." I applied for a job at a local foundry and I get "oh Steve used to work there!" Every day I hear this guy's mentioned at least once or twice, and I know for a fact that they often share dirty jokes and make sexual innuendos with each other all the time. Now this may not seem like much, but one day she came home from work and said that Steve bought her lunch that day. I thought nothing of it at the time and said "cool" and she got upset with me. She was upset that I didn't question it or act jelous. Is this normal? Am I just being paranoid or should I actually be concerned?
> 
> P.S. If it makes any difference we've been married for 8 years.


No you definitely have reason to be concerned. I would first get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and read it and then have her read it.

Check that.....I would verify that this is just a friendship first. I think you have a enough cause to check your phone records to see if she is texting/calling him constantly. 

How's your sex life?


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## Yeswecan

Your W is at the very least working towards an EA. Your W appeared to have done the sh!t test with advising Steve has purchased lunch for her. You might question the W why she appears to be starting crap with you, her and Steve concerning the lunch purchasing comment and subsequent fallout from it.


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## Cwbishop82

Our sex life is almost nonexistent, maybe once or twice a month. But this is an issue that's been ongoing for a couple of years now, so I don't think it has anything to do with this.


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## Cwbishop82

Yeswecan said:


> Your W is at the very least working towards an EA. Your W appeared to have done the sh!t test with advising Steve has purchased lunch for her. You might question the W why she appears to be starting crap with you, her and Steve concerning the lunch purchasing comment and subsequent fallout from it.


Her response to the lunch question was "you know most guys would be upset that some dude bought their wife lunch." It was a ****ing roast beef sandwich from arbys, not like he took her to a fancy restaurant.


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## ne9907

This is exactly how everything starts. 
Why were you not jealous they had lunch together?


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## Cwbishop82

blueinbr said:


> CW, all that you described your wife doing, I did with my coworker. It lead to an EA on my part. There is a risk, or it might just be that your wife has a new friend, nothing more.
> 
> Regardless, the sexual innuendos need to stop immediately - friend or EA.
> 
> I agree with the other poster. Get a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Order a copy TODAY and overnight it or download it now to Kindle or Nook. It is a MUST READ for you. MUST READ NOW.
> 
> ETA: I was in a non existent sex life and that contributed to my EA.


I hesitated to bring it up on the forum but there was one specific instance that caught my attention. She works in a food production plant and operates a large grimder that grinds raw chicken. One day she said she nearly got sprayed with the white goo that raw chicken often has on it and Steve commented with a joke about her nearly getting jizzed on. Maybe just a harmless joke, but it still stuck out in my mind.


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## ButtPunch

Cwbishop82 said:


> Her response to the lunch question was "you know most guys would be upset that some dude bought their wife lunch." It was a ****ing roast beef sandwich from arbys, not like he took her to a fancy restaurant.


It was a fu**ing date! That's what it was.

Look at the phone records pronto!


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## Cwbishop82

ne9907 said:


> This is exactly how everything starts.
> Why were you not jealous they had lunch together?


I'm not usually the jealous type, and normally my wife is a brutally honest woman so cheating doesn't normally come to mind because she's almost incapable of lying.


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## naiveonedave

Cwbishop82 said:


> Her response to the lunch question was "you know most guys would be upset that some dude bought their wife lunch." It was a ****ing roast beef sandwich from arbys, not like he took her to a fancy restaurant.


It was a date, even if just a cheap one. Word of advise, don't let your W go on dates with other men. Never will be good.


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## jerry123

Cwbishop82 said:


> Our sex life is almost nonexistent, maybe once or twice a month. But this is an issue that's been ongoing for a couple of years now, so I don't think it has anything to do with this.


It has 100% to do with that. 

See, your gut is telling you something. That's good. 

Sh!t don't seem right because, it's not. 

Like the poster said, she's showing you signs. Talking about the guy gets her dopamine up. Hence mentioning him, when he's not around. She gets more dopamine around him. 

Right now you need to keep your eyes open and mouth shut if she STOPS talking about him. That may mean she's in a PA with the guy and won't want to draw suspicion. 

Although, if you have a solid marriage and you feel comfortable talking to her about then do it. But your sex life is on the edge of sexless. You ever hear of the book MMSLP?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ButtPunch

Cwbishop82 said:


> I hesitated to bring it up on the forum but there was one specific instance that caught my attention. She works in a food production plant and operates a large grimder that grinds raw chicken. One day she said she nearly got sprayed with the white goo that raw chicken often has on it and Steve commented with a joke about her nearly getting jizzed on. Maybe just a harmless joke, but it still stuck out in my mind.


Not a harmless joke...Well played by Steve. He could see if she would shut it down or not. If she did, all he says is i'm sorry it was just a joke. If she laughs, he now knows he can go there with her.


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## Lostme

I'm not sure why she would be upset that you weren't jealous, if she was having a secret affair or she was just rubbing it in your face that some guy got her a roast beef sounds childish on her part. 

The sexuel inuendos do need to end, I would not put up with that. has she ever tried to get you jealous before? could she be seeking some attention from you?


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## Cwbishop82

ButtPunch said:


> Cwbishop82 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I hesitated to bring it up on the forum but there was one specific instance that caught my attention. She works in a food production plant and operates a large grimder that grinds raw chicken. One day she said she nearly got sprayed with the white goo that raw chicken often has on it and Steve commented with a joke about her nearly getting jizzed on. Maybe just a harmless joke, but it still stuck out in my mind.
> 
> 
> 
> Not a harmless joke...Well played by Steve. He could see if she would shut it down or not. If she did, all he says is i'm sorry it was just a joke. If she laughs, he now knows he can go there with her.
Click to expand...

Yeah she said she thought it was funny. Although to be fair my wife has a pretty dirty mind and tends to take even mundane remarks and put a sexual spin on them.


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## jerry123

Cwbishop82 said:


> I'm not usually the jealous type, and normally my wife is a brutally honest woman so cheating doesn't normally come to mind because she's almost incapable of lying.


Well you do know your wife better than us. 


Does she do certain things when she tries to lie or do you just think in your mind that she never lies. Even little white lies?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TX-SC

Cwbishop82 said:


> Her response to the lunch question was "you know most guys would be upset that some dude bought their wife lunch." It was a ****ing roast beef sandwich from arbys, not like he took her to a fancy restaurant.


But the fact is that it DID bother you or you wouldn't be here. You and your wife need to improve your communication ASAP. This may not be an affair, but it is heading down a bad path. If I were you, I would sit down with her and have a long talk. Maybe do so over a nice dinner. Explain to her your concerns and tell her to read up on emotional affairs and how they often start in just this way. Tell her you trust her but she is worrying you by being this close to a male coworker. Then make sure she understands that cheating means divorce. There will be no second chance.


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## Cwbishop82

Lostme said:


> I'm not sure why she would be upset that you weren't jealous, if she was having a secret affair or she was just rubbing it in your face that some guy got her a roast beef sounds childish on her part.
> 
> The sexuel inuendos do need to end, I would not put up with that. has she ever tried to get you jealous before? could she be seeking some attention from you?


She's told me before that it bothers her that I don't get jealous. I would think most women would like that quality in a man.


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## ButtPunch

Cwbishop82 said:


> She's told me before that it bothers her that I don't get jealous. I would think most women would like that quality in a man.


They say they do but they really don't.


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## ButtPunch

Did I mention to check the phone records like yesterday.


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## Yeswecan

Cwbishop82 said:


> She's told me before that it bothers her that I don't get jealous. I would think most women would like that quality in a man.


Kind of a two way street. The reaction or lack there of shows to them if you care or not. Sometimes coworkers simply get others working with them something to eat at the fast food joint. It means nothing other than being friendly and simply going that way. "So ya want something?"

It appears your W was doing a test. In her eyes you failed the test.

Tomorrow show up to your W work with lunch. See the reaction.


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## jerry123

ButtPunch said:


> They say they do but they really don't.



We say women are complex and they say us men are. Go figure, we are different. 

That's why there are so many books out there. 


Women like strong, confident, mate guarding guys. 
If you suspect a dude is moving in on her, you act. You don't get jealous. You let her and the dude that she's married. 
Listen wife, "I understand it's just Arby's. But your a married woman. Stop talking about this guy and stop going on dates."
Oh...."And stop sending sexual Indu, or even talking about sex. Again, your a married women and it bothers me"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy

Cwbishop82 said:


> Our sex life is almost nonexistent, maybe once or twice a month. But this is an issue that's been ongoing for a couple of years now, so I don't think it has anything to do with this.


 The lack of sex means that she no longer sees you that way anymore. The other man may not be the cause of this, but he is the beneficiary of it because it means that your wife is more open to feeling that way about him.



Cwbishop82 said:


> Her response to the lunch question was "you know most guys would be upset that some dude bought their wife lunch." It was a ****ing roast beef sandwich from arbys, not like he took her to a fancy restaurant.


 Your wife expected you to react, because what she just told you is that she is starting to date this other man that she has so much fun with, shares dirty jokes with, and that has a pet name for her.


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## Cwbishop82

TRy said:


> Cwbishop82 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Our sex life is almost nonexistent, maybe once or twice a month. But this is an issue that's been ongoing for a couple of years now, so I don't think it has anything to do with this.
> 
> 
> 
> The lack of sex means that she no longer sees you that way anymore. The other man may not be the cause of this, but he is the beneficiary of it because it means that your wife is more open to feeling that way about him.
> 
> 
> 
> Cwbishop82 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Her response to the lunch question was "you know most guys would be upset that some dude bought their wife lunch." It was a ****ing roast beef sandwich from arbys, not like he took her to a fancy restaurant.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Your wife expected you to react, because what she just told you is that she is starting to date this other man that she has so much fun with, shares dirty jokes with, and that has a pet name for her.
Click to expand...

She has health issues that affect her desire for sex. She's told me before that she wants sex, but is either too tired/sick, or in too much pain to be in the mood


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## jerry123

^^^^^^
That

You need to mate guard. 

Has she ever intomroduced you to him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naiveonedave

Cwbishop82 said:


> Yeah she said she thought it was funny. Although to be fair my wife has a pretty dirty mind and tends to take even mundane remarks and put a sexual spin on them.


no sex life with a wife with a dirty mind is very odd.


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## Cwbishop82

jerry123 said:


> ^^^^^^
> That
> 
> You need to mate guard.
> 
> Has she ever intomroduced you to him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I actually worked there for a few weeks as a temp, so I've met him before. She told me he was a little intimidated by me because I'm a fairly large man. Not sure if that's relevant.


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## Cwbishop82

naiveonedave said:


> Cwbishop82 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah she said she thought it was funny. Although to be fair my wife has a pretty dirty mind and tends to take even mundane remarks and put a sexual spin on them.
> 
> 
> 
> no sex life with a wife with a dirty mind is very odd.
Click to expand...

The little sex we do have doesn't last long either. A little foreplay an then she wants to get right to the main event. She usually goes straight to sleep afterwards.


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## jerry123

naiveonedave said:


> no sex life with a wife with a dirty mind is very odd.


I don't know you or your wife but all these things you say she is saying doing are not what a woman who jokes about sex and turns little things into sex things is....sexual. 

You say she has health issues that prevent her from enjoying sex or its hurts. 

Does she see a dr about this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cwbishop82

jerry123 said:


> naiveonedave said:
> 
> 
> 
> no sex life with a wife with a dirty mind is very odd.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know you or your wife but all these things you say she is saying doing are not what a woman who jokes about sex and turns little things into sex things is....sexual.
> 
> You say she has health issues that prevent her from enjoying sex or its hurts.
> 
> Does she see a dr about this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
Click to expand...

No. She makes excuses or tries to say we can't afford it.


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## jerry123

Ok, Why, no health ins?

And what problems does she have?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy

Cwbishop82 said:


> She has health issues that affect her desire for sex. She's told me before that she wants sex, but is either too tired/sick, or in too much pain to be in the mood


 When doing studies, sex 10 times a year or less is considered a sexless marriage, so you are almost there. False health issues is the number one way that spouses get our of having sex with their spouses when in a sexless marriage where they no longer feel that way about them anymore. It is amazing how these health issues do not prevent them from having sex when should they decide to cheat on their spouse.


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## 225985

OP, One of the signs of an emotional or physical affair is the change in sex habits of the spouse. If your wife starts wanting to have sex MORE, that could be a BAD sign. I doubt she can have less sex, since you basically do not have any.

BTW: Are you big-muscular or big-fat?

Where do you want to go from here? Many of us tell you that you should be concerned? Do you want our list of evidence checks you can do to see if she is cheating? We can provide the list. 

Or do you just want to blow this off?

Or do you want advice on how to improve your relationship and sex life?


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## Cwbishop82

jerry123 said:


> Ok, Why, no health ins?
> 
> And what problems does she have?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She has health insurance, she just won't use it.


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## naiveonedave

Cwbishop82 said:


> No. She makes excuses or tries to say we can't afford it.


that is a red flag


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## Cwbishop82

blueinbr said:


> OP, One of the signs of an emotional or physical affair is the change in sex habits of the spouse. If your wife starts wanting to have sex MORE, that could be a BAD sign. I doubt she can have less sex, since you basically do not have any.
> 
> BTW: Are you big-muscular or big-fat?
> 
> Where do you want to go from here? Many of us tell you that you should be concerned? Do you want our list of evidence checks you can do to see if she is cheating? We can provide the list.
> 
> Or do you just want to blow this off?
> 
> Or do you want advice on how to improve your relationship and sex life?


To be honest I'm not sure. I know she's definitely been acting weird the last couple of weeks but I've not seen any obvious signs outside of the few things I've mentioned that give me any reason to believe their no more than work friends. I'm not a very emotional or romantic person, and this is the first job she's had in almost three years, and she really doesn't have a social life outside of work so maybe this is just her way of socializing. I just know this Steve guys name comes up more than anyone elses when she talks about work so maybe I'm just protecting my own inadequacies on the whole thing?


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## MrsAldi

@Cwbishop82 I used to go to lunch on a regular basis with my co-worker & my husband knew and didn't mind. It was strictly a platonic/work relationship until he broke up with his gf, then he started pointing out my husbands flaws & told me leave him. I left the job & don't contact this guy anymore. You need to find out if this guy is single or in a bad relationship. It may turn into something more. I doubt your wife would cheat on you, but if this guy starts to "brainwash" her, be careful. I now know that there is no such thing as platonic with straight men. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Yeswecan

Cwbishop82 said:


> She has health insurance, she just won't use it.


And that is illogical.


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## Cwbishop82

MrsAldi said:


> @Cwbishop82 I used to go to lunch on a regular basis with my co-worker & my husband knew and didn't mind. It was strictly a platonic/work relationship until he broke up with his gf, then he started pointing out my husbands flaws & told me leave him. I left the job & don't contact this guy anymore. You need to find out if this guy is single or in a bad relationship. It may turn into something more. I doubt your wife would cheat on you, but if this guy starts to "brainwash" her, be careful. I now know that there is no such thing as platonic with straight men.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


He is single. He even told her he was supposed to go on a date one night with someone, but she stood him up. When he mentioned he was going to take her to Galos. (A popular Italian restaurant here) she jokingly told him "I like Galos!"


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## Yeswecan

Cwbishop82 said:


> To be honest I'm not sure. I know she's definitely been acting weird the last couple of weeks but I've not seen any obvious signs outside of the few things I've mentioned that give me any reason to believe their no more than work friends. I'm not a very emotional or romantic person, and this is the first job she's had in almost three years, and she really doesn't have a social life outside of work so maybe this is just her way of socializing. I just know this Steve guys name comes up more than anyone elses when she talks about work so maybe I'm just protecting my own inadequacies on the whole thing?


Well, no on the inadequacies. Steve has your W attention. When I'm home the last thing I want to discuss in my job and co-workers. Neither are no my mind. However, Steve is on your W mind.


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## tech-novelist

Sorry, but your wife is either cheating on you with this guy or getting ready to. 
You need to follow the instructions here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html.
Then you will know exactly where you stand.


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## MrsAldi

@Cwbishop82 yes this guy is an arse! Best thing you can do is be a good husband & be more romantic. The more you moan about this guy to her, the more better he looks. And I guarantee he knows how your marriage is. I was stupid telling stuff about my husband & he tried to use that to get into my pants. Lucky I had the cop on to see through him. I hope your wife is the same. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## MrsAldi

tech-novelist said:


> Sorry, but your wife is either cheating on you with this guy or getting ready to.
> You need to follow the instructions here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html.
> Then you will know exactly where you stand.


 @Cwbishop82 I don't think she is cheating yet. But yeah the co-worker is just a player, charmer etc he has nothing to lose in this situation. All he's thinking about is his d & your wife thinks he's her friend. If she has sense, eventually she'll see him for what he truly is. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## 225985

Cwbishop82 said:


> He is single. He even told her he was supposed to go on a date one night with someone, but she stood him up. When he mentioned he was going to take her to Galos. (A popular Italian restaurant here) she jokingly told him "I like Galos!"


Jeez, CW. The more you post, the more the red flags go up. They are discussing his dating life. Another flag. 

And why is she telling you all this? That is not good either. She is testing you and measuring you against him. Make no mistake.


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## MrsAldi

blueinbr said:


> Jeez, CW. The more you post, the more the red flags go up. They are discussing his dating life. Another flag.
> 
> And why is she telling you all this? That is not good either. She is testing you and measuring you against him. Make no mistake.


 @blueinbr sorry have to disagree with you here, she's telling @Cwbishop82 because she sees this co-worker as a friend, for now. I know this type of guy trust me. I told my husband the same sort of stories when I got home, wasn't because I was measuring etc it was because I thought I made a new friend. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## rzmpf

Cwbishop82 said:


> He is single. He even told her he was supposed to go on a date one night with someone, but she stood him up. When he mentioned he was going to take her to Galos. (A popular Italian restaurant here) she jokingly told him "I like Galos!"


Good move regardless of being true or not. 

He is showing that other women are potentially interested (which raises his value) while getting sympathy for being stood up and he got to know if your W likes the restaurant.


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## Tortdog

Yeswecan said:


> And that is illogical.


I have great health insurance and almost never use it. I just don't like going to doctors. 

You realize that the third highest cause of death are mistakes by our medical providers. Was in the news today. 

And the government hit me with more than $1,000 in federal taxes to pay for the Affordable Care Act. I was waiting for my premium to drop by $2,500, not pay more in premiums and tax to get malpractice from our doctors...


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## JohnA

Hi, I have sent you three length PM on what might occur. An EA/PA in the workplace, what a player is, and one about the concept of DARVO. In the past I have pasted them on a new members thread, but doing so gets old. If you find they resonate with them post them on your thread and comment on them. 

In addition I have one more that I will post at length here: 


What's going on

You are here for a reason. *Something is off and *your gut is telling one thing and your heart another. *You don't want to know, but you are going insane not knowing. * Adultery, it is a cold ugly word. *Perhaps the worst thing to say to a spouse: are you an adulterer after are you a pedophile. Your instinct is to shy away. *

How to begin to find the truth? *How to start. *Start by examining your marriage for toxic elements and red flags. *Start by learning who you are and who your spouse is. *First toxic elements here is a *partial list.*

12 toxic elements*

Lying to or hiding things from your partner
Withholding any kind of affection
Harboring quiet resentment
Lack of communication
Being stubborn about things or getting entrenched in certain positions
Bickering about mundane daily issues and chores
Condescension
Staying in a relationship out of convenience
Manipulation
Jealousy
Presenting a false version of yourself at the beginning.*
Staying together because you've become codependent

Here are some basic red flags*

Red flags*

Sex life dropped off noticeably
Passwords on phone and computer
Much more time on line...fakebook.
More GNOs...staying out later.
Less eye contact and holding hands...much less physical contact.
Less communication.
Staying up late on computer.
Dressing more provocative
More shopping-spending...clothes.
3 hour groceries shopping trips
Gasoline use and mileage went up
Generally disconnected from family.
New friends that I wasn't introduced to
Cell/text usage went up...way up.
New hair style and attention to makeup
Started exercising more.
Secretive about whereabouts during contact
She would become annoyed easily with me.
Household responsibilities dropped way off.
ecame more forgetful in general
A noticable distancing from her family.
Much more waxing...trimming...shaving....not for me.

There are two people in a marriage. *Sounds basic and simple. *It is not. Start by reading this site*Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.. If it resonates buy the book, *find the Briggs Meyers personality type site. *Take the test twice. *First from your point of view, and them what your wife might have answered. *Finally protect your marriage by reading "not just Friends.*

Gather your evidence, while doing so remain calm towards your spouse. Do not give them a heads up at this point. *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html. While work place adultery are difficult to prove it can be done. It may require you to adopt an attitude of not "beyond a reasonable doubt" but rather "balance of evidence" 

Gathering evidence and planning for a possible divorce are next.


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## Yeswecan

> Tortdog;15600602]I have great health insurance and almost never use it. I just don't like going to doctors.


 No body likes to go the doctors. 



> You realize that the third highest cause of death are mistakes by our medical providers. Was in the news today.


 That is why it is still called practicing medicine. How may were saved today by doctors? 



> And the government hit me with more than $1,000 in federal taxes to pay for the Affordable Care Act. I was waiting for my premium to drop by $2,500, not pay more in premiums and tax to get malpractice from our doctors...


 That is something to take up with your congressman. But I agree, healthcare systems sucks.


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## Cwbishop82

MrsAldi said:


> blueinbr said:
> 
> 
> 
> Jeez, CW. The more you post, the more the red flags go up. They are discussing his dating life. Another flag.
> 
> And why is she telling you all this? That is not good either. She is testing you and measuring you against him. Make no mistake.
> 
> 
> 
> @blueinbr sorry have to disagree with you here, she's telling @Cwbishop82 because she sees this co-worker as a friend, for now. I know this type of guy trust me. I told my husband the same sort of stories when I got home, wasn't because I was measuring etc it was because I thought I made a new friend.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

I have to agree with that. Though I'm ashamed to admit it I've looked at her Facebook messages and have found nothing really but work related conversations between them. She's shared a few work related memes with him but that's about it.


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## Cwbishop82

I know I've mentioned this in a previous response, but he has basically told my wife that he's a little intimidated by me because of my size. Again don't know if that's relevant but maybe it'll keep him from trying to put the moves on her?


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## MrsAldi

Cwbishop82 said:


> I know I've mentioned this in a previous response, but he has basically told my wife that he's a little intimidated by me because of my size. Again don't know if that's relevant but maybe it'll keep him from trying to put the moves on her?


It's the same thing with the being stood up on the date thing. He's saying all this stuff so he'll appear vulnerable to her other women. These guys are classic attention seekers/players. I doubt he'll put the moves on her, these guys always try to charm etc so that the woman will respond. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## MrsAldi

Cwbishop82 said:


> I have to agree with that. Though I'm ashamed to admit it I've looked at her Facebook messages and have found nothing really but work related conversations between them. She's shared a few work related memes with him but that's about it.


This guy is almost identical to my former co-worker, personally I think she is/was like me. She just sees him as a platonic friend. I don't think you have anything to worry about. If she's only new in the job, she'll come to see in time what a player he is. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Cwbishop82

MrsAldi said:


> Cwbishop82 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I have to agree with that. Though I'm ashamed to admit it I've looked at her Facebook messages and have found nothing really but work related conversations between them. She's shared a few work related memes with him but that's about it.
> 
> 
> 
> This guy is almost identical to my former co-worker, personally I think she is/was like me. She just sees him as a platonic friend. I don't think you have anything to worry about. If she's only new in the job, she'll come to see in time what a player he is.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

She came home just now and was upset with me over something. God only knows what she must've told him.


----------



## TRy

Cwbishop82 said:


> She came home just now and was upset with me over something. God only knows what she must've told him.


 She is mad at you for spoiling her fun. You have done nothing wrong here, so she just needs to deal with it.


----------



## MrsAldi

Cwbishop82 said:


> She came home just now and was upset with me over something. God only knows what she must've told him.


Be kind. This guy wants your wife. But he wants YOU to destroy the marriage. So he can have her for himself. It works like this, he's the good guy & he'll make you out to be the bad guy. You cannot be the bad guy, if you are he wins. Be the good guy & be kind to your wife. This guy is a manipulate d!ck. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Cwbishop82

TRy said:


> Cwbishop82 said:
> 
> 
> 
> She came home just now and was upset with me over something. God only knows what she must've told him.
> 
> 
> 
> She is mad at you for spoiling her fun. You have done nothing wrong here, so she just needs to deal with it.
Click to expand...

Seems her boss told her I lost my job there because I didn't come in at a certain time. Now she's just staring at her phone instead of taking to me.


----------



## 225985

MrsAldi said:


> @blueinbr sorry have to disagree with you here, she's telling @Cwbishop82 because she sees this co-worker as a friend, for now. I know this type of guy trust me. I told my husband the same sort of stories when I got home, wasn't because I was measuring etc it was because I thought I made a new friend.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


You can be right. I am just going by my personal experience, which ended with an EA. Same discussion of dating. Same discussion with spouse at home etc. This can go either way.


----------



## MrsAldi

Cwbishop82 said:


> Seems her boss told her I lost my job there because I didn't come in at a certain time. Now she's just staring at her phone instead of taking to me.


Be patient. Hang in there. I'm sorry if you lost your job. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## sidney2718

Cwbishop82 said:


> Our sex life is almost nonexistent, maybe once or twice a month. But this is an issue that's been ongoing for a couple of years now, so I don't think it has anything to do with this.


It might. Perhaps you are turning her off in some way and she's gone outside to find out if she's still desirable.


----------



## sidney2718

Cwbishop82 said:


> She's told me before that it bothers her that I don't get jealous. I would think most women would like that quality in a man.


She wants you to CARE. By not caring you are showing her that you really don't care much about her.

Start caring NOW. No need to overdramatize it right off, but be strong and insist.


----------



## sidney2718

rzmpf said:


> Good move regardless of being true or not.
> 
> He is showing that other women are potentially interested (which raises his value) while getting sympathy for being stood up and he got to know if your W likes the restaurant.


I'd say that he got to know that OP's wife would in fact go to that restaurant with him.


----------



## sidney2718

Cwbishop82 said:


> I know I've mentioned this in a previous response, but he has basically told my wife that he's a little intimidated by me because of my size. Again don't know if that's relevant but maybe it'll keep him from trying to put the moves on her?


I have a wilder theory for you. She wants to get you jealous so that you will act more romantically toward her. Make a serious issue about getting your wife to a doctor to see what is wrong.

Your wife may think that you don't care much for her. You don't care about this guy and you don't care about increasing your sex life. She's left confused.

Why do I think this? Because there is no evidence that the OM and your W are doing anything toward having a physical relationship. What you do have is her telling you about stuff you KNOW should have you reacting.


----------



## sidney2718

Cwbishop82 said:


> She came home just now and was upset with me over something. God only knows what she must've told him.


What did she tell you about her being upset? Or didn't you ask her?


----------



## TAMAT

CWBishop,

You wrote, *Steve commented with a joke about her nearly getting jizzed on*

I don't think I would say anything like that to any co-worker under almost any circumstance, unless I was already engaged or married to that person. This would be a guaranteed firing in almost all companies that I know of, Steve must feel VERY comfortable with your W! 

You need to snoop on your W a VAR in the car may turn up some interesting conversations. Your W is married and should not be having facebook exchanges with single men, do not apologize for snooping.

The non-existent sex life you speak of is a real red flag. This might not be her first emotional affair, there is a good chance the sex was turned off due to an earlier affair which died.

Tamat


----------



## Cwbishop82

TAMAT said:


> CWBishop,
> 
> You wrote, *Steve commented with a joke about her nearly getting jizzed on*
> 
> I don't think I would say anything like that to any co-worker under almost any circumstance, unless I was already engaged or married to that person. This would be a guaranteed firing in almost all companies that I know of, Steve must feel VERY comfortable with your W!
> 
> You need to snoop on your W a VAR in the car may turn up some interesting conversations. Your W is married and should not be having facebook exchanges with single men, do not apologize for snooping.
> 
> The non-existent sex life you speak of is a real red flag. This might not be her first emotional affair, there is a good chance the sex was turned off due to an earlier affair which died.
> 
> Tamat


I really hope your wrong about that.


----------



## MattMatt

Cwbishop82 said:


> Our sex life is almost nonexistent, maybe once or twice a month. But this is an issue that's been ongoing for a couple of years now, so I don't think it has anything to do with this.


Oh, I think it might! Very limited sex life and one spouse starts chatting to an attractive coworker.

What on EARTH could go wrong?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## *Deidre*

Maybe you should start mentioning a new girl named...um...Stephania...yes, that sounds good. 'Stephania says that she bets I have a huge ****.'

I have a feeling this crap with 'Steve' will end rather quickly.

Of course, I'm kidding. lol

But, you need to get to the heart of why your wife is so insecure that she feels the need to ''make'' you jealous. That's what it sounds like to me. If she was interested in sleeping with 'Steve' behind your back, she probably wouldn't mention him much, if at all. Either way, I'd express your angst over this to her. There's nothing wrong with going to lunch with opposite sex coworkers...I do. My fiance does. But, we don't really spend a lot of time on it other than 'hey, babe...where'd you go for lunch today?' 'I went with 'x' coworkers to 'x' restaurant.' 'Oh cool...' And we move on after that. 

How do you know she's telling dirty jokes with him?


----------



## IamSomebody

Cwbishop82 said:


> No. She makes excuses or tries to say we can't afford it.


Check out Obamacare. Honestly, it sounds like she is lying.

IamSomebody


----------



## IamSomebody

Cwbishop82 said:


> She has health insurance, she just won't use it.


She is absolutely lying about the sex "problems." Insist she go to the doctor. Go with her, tell her so you can share your observations.

IamSomebody


----------



## IamSomebody

Cwbishop82 said:


> I know I've mentioned this in a previous response, but he has basically told my wife that he's a little intimidated by me because of my size. Again don't know if that's relevant but maybe it'll keep him from trying to put the moves on her?


Go to your W's work at lunchtime and take her out. Let Steve see you taking her out and give him a look that tells him to back the eff off.

Also, find out that company's policy regarding workplace relationships.

IamSomebody


----------



## Marische

Cwbishop82 said:


> I realize this could all just be in my head and I'm simply being jealous, but I feel like it's something I need to bring up. Before I start let me say that my wife and I have a pretty good marriage, we have our arguments and petty issues just like any other, but nothing earth shattering. My wife started a new job about four months ago, her and a guy she works with were in the same group of new hires together and are now the only two from that group that are still working there. The problem I'm having is that she talks about this guy A LOT! I recently mentioned taking an interest in blacksmithing and she responded with "oh Steve used to be a blacksmith." I applied for a job at a local foundry and I get "oh Steve used to work there!" Every day I hear this guy's mentioned at least once or twice, and I know for a fact that they often share dirty jokes and make sexual innuendos with each other all the time. Now this may not seem like much, but one day she came home from work and said that Steve bought her lunch that day. I thought nothing of it at the time and said "cool" and she got upset with me. She was upset that I didn't question it or act jelous. Is this normal? Am I just being paranoid or should I actually be concerned?
> 
> P.S. If it makes any difference we've been married for 8 years.
> 
> EDIT: I wanted to point this one particular instance out real quick. The other day when I picked her up from work, she told me this Steve guy told her "you're my favorite peanut!" Her response? "Awwwww!" Again maybe I'm just being paranoid but who talks like that with a co-worker?


If she was really betraying you she wouldn't be telling you all these details... She is just trying to make you jealous....


----------



## IamSomebody

Cwbishop82 said:


> Seems her boss told her I lost my job there because I didn't come in at a certain time. Now she's just staring at her phone instead of taking to me.


Did this conversation really happen or is this more sh!t-stirring by Steve?

Was this also your boss? Yes or no, why is this person discussing your employment with her? This is against almost every company's policies.

Is this true? Did you tell W the truth?

Something more is going on. Is this "boss" a friend of Steve's and trying to help him bed your W?

Enough red flags here for them to see from the Space Station.

IamSomebody


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

IamSomebody said:


> Did this conversation really happen or is this more sh!t-stirring by Steve?
> 
> Was this also your boss? Yes or no, why is this person discussing your employment with her? This is against almost every company's policies.
> 
> Is this true? Did you tell W the truth?
> 
> Something more is going on. Is this "boss" a friend of Steve's and trying to help him bed your W?
> 
> Enough red flags here for them to see from the Space Station.
> 
> IamSomebody


I was wondering the same thing myself...


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Cwbishop82 said:


> She's told me before that it bothers her that I don't get jealous. I would think most women would like that quality in a man.


One of the OLDEST sh1t tests in the book dude. It's the no win scenario.. If you act jealous you are controlling; you just failed the test. You don't care about her if you don't act jealous if she throws another dude in your face; you just failed the test.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Cwbishop82 said:


> I know I've mentioned this in a previous response, but he has basically told my wife that he's a little intimidated by me because of my size. Again don't know if that's relevant but maybe it'll keep him from trying to put the moves on her?


Don't be this naive. Yeah, I a was black belt instructor who ran his own school, it doesn't mean anything at all. My wife's "friend" was "scared" of me, but it didn't stop him or my wife from being idiots. Basically, IMO, this is a big red flag. It's his player way of saying "I'm safe, I'D NEVER try anything" and your wife is eating it up.

So, let me get this right. This is YOUR WIFE'S BOSS? Not only is talking about your termination WRONG, are you telling us he was cracking a jizz joke, sharing sexual innuendos and buying lunch with a lower tier employee?


----------



## manfromlamancha

Cwbishop82 said:


> I really hope your wrong about that.


This pretty much sums up your approach to this whole thing!

Stop hoping and start doing. Plant a VAR, show some jealousy, stop making excuses for her - something!


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## Cwbishop82

Just wanted to clear one thing up, Steve is just a co-worker, not the boss. Hee boss is a weaselly little midget she can't stand.


----------



## The Middleman

It's my feeling that you need to take serious steps quickly to put an end to this friendship, before real jizz starts coming home. I'm not sure what method would work for you under your circumstances but I'm a bull in a China Shop when it comes to this thing.

I'd tell her I'm not comfortable with this friendship and you'ld like it to end. I would VAR and GPS the car. I would show up at work unannounced and have a conversation with this guy about his behavior in front of my wife. Time to put this chicken plucker in notice.

That's just me, but I don't know if you can pull that off, a lot of guys can't.


----------



## MachoMcCoy

naiveonedave said:


> no sex life with a wife with a dirty mind is very odd.


No, it is not. Trust me on that.


----------



## MachoMcCoy

TRy said:


> When doing studies, sex 10 times a year or less is considered a sexless marriage, so you are almost there. False health issues is the number one way that spouses get our of having sex with their spouses when in a sexless marriage where they no longer feel that way about them anymore. It is amazing how these health issues do not prevent them from having sex when should they decide to cheat on their spouse.


SPOT ON except for the cheating part. 

She is NOT sleeping with this guy. I can guarantee he is "like a brother" to her and it is LAUGHABLE that you could get jealous. She's not rubbing it in your face, she's joking WITH you about it, not at you. I'm going to find that thread where a chick's work BFF finally hit on her and she was SHOCKED that it happened. I sincerely think that many (most?) chicks have NO CLUE that their (straight) male BFF wants to doodle them. 

YOUR problem is that she doesn't feel "that way" about (you) anymore" as TRy so perfectly understated it. That's where this forum sucks. They are so concentrated on "she's cheating", that you are going to go all weird on her and push her away further. 

Dude: she may like you as a friend. I'm sure she does. But she does not LIKE YOU, like you any more. That should concern you a HELL OF A LOT MORE than a new work BFF. Look up ILYBINILWY. 
Learn it. It's your marriage man. 

Screw the work BFF. Just send him an email saying "I'm a guy too, and we both know you want to diddle my wife. That's fine, just don't REALLY think about it. 

She's going to be SHOCKED when she finds out he wants to **** her. I can guarantee it.

Now get on to fixing your marriage.

One warning. If I could go back to the time when I was blissfully unaware that my wife "loved me but was not IN LOVE with me", I would take it in a heartbeat. No sex, but I could wank and we were in love. Silly me. Now I'll spend the rest of my life with a roomate. A roomate I still like, but a roomate none the less. 

Just be careful.


----------



## MachoMcCoy

MrsAldi said:


> @blueinbr sorry have to disagree with you here, she's telling @Cwbishop82 because she sees this co-worker as a friend, for now. I know this type of guy trust me. I told my husband the same sort of stories when I got home, wasn't because I was measuring etc it was because I thought I made a new friend.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


I SWEAR I didn't read ANY of your posts until after I made mine. 

Men are all "she's cheating", women get it (and, the most macho guy on the forum, oddly).


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## MachoMcCoy

None of you know why she's upset? How funny. Not even you MrsAldi?


----------



## MrsAldi

MachoMcCoy said:


> None of you know why she's upset? How funny. Not even you MrsAldi?


Unfortunately, no I cannot read minds from afar!  

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## jsmart

This guy is probing for weakness in her defenses and she likes the attention but as long as she's telling you about it, he's in the friend zone. When she stops talking about him, that's when he's getting through. If you read many of the threads from WW on LS, you'll see many woman who at first were not into the OM. But persistence on the OM, won her over. 

The fact that you're almost in a sexless marriage, means all it will take is the guy with some game to make your wife feel wanted and boom. She's his. Not in a she'll leave you for him because most men pursuing a married woman have no intention of wanting her permanently but she'll be his in the sense of she'll stay in the marriage but without feelings while pining away for years. Kind of like what you're experiencing now. Another poster wondered if a past affair was the cause for the current state of your sex life. I wonder the same thing.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

MachoMcCoy said:


> (and, the most macho guy on the forum, oddly).


Just55 hasn't posted in this thread.


----------



## 225985

IMO most likely she is not cheating and he is not a player. They are two coworkers that started in a large group at the same time and are the last one's left. They bonded over that and have become friends. It might stop at that - they just are good friends forever. However it is possible over time that one or both develop feelings for the other, especially if her needs are not being met at home.

OP has a difficult task. He cannot tell her she cannot have any male friends. He will appear controlling and rightfully so. If he does nothing, there is a chance (maybe negligible, maybe slim, maybe considerable etc) that his wife could have an EA or more with this guy.

My thoughts on EAs (maybe PA too) are more of the "it just happened" rather than a player going after the wife. OP still needs to read "Not Just Friends" . "His Needs Her Needs" is a good read too that introduces the love bank concept and how that can lead to affairs.

Whatever he does, OP needs to strengthen his marriage.


----------



## ButtPunch

Marische said:


> If she was really betraying you she wouldn't be telling you all these details... She is just trying to make you jealous....


Anyone who has been on TAM for a while knows this simply isn't true.

It's very common to get the details. I'm surprised she hasn't told him much he and Steve are alike and that they would make great friends.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

It just happened is a cop out to me. A drunken ONS is the closest you'll get to a "just happened event." An EA that leads to a PA or not is a long term slide down the slippery slope. The person makes a fully conscious decision to let the OM/OW bad mouth their spouse, talk intimately and not stop the blurring and crossing of lines. Sure, he can tell her no opposite sex friends. He becomes controlling when he tries too force her to follow his boundaries, but he sure can set them.


----------



## ABHale

Cwbishop82 said:


> I know I've mentioned this in a previous response, but he has basically told my wife that he's a little intimidated by me because of my size. Again don't know if that's relevant but maybe it'll keep him from trying to put the moves on her?



No, it will not. He will still try relying on the law to keep you in check.


----------



## ABHale

For some reason she is trying to make you jealous. Who knows why but how far will she go to do it? That is the problem you have figure out, how far are you going to let this go before you put a end to it.


----------



## MachoMcCoy

MachoMcCoy said:


> None of you know why she's upset? How funny.


Nobody's taking my bait? Fine. I'll tel you anyway: her new BFF finally made his move and she can't BELIEVE it. He was like a brother...

Men a slimeball dogs gals. Not just that one you're married to. ALL of us.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

ButtPunch said:


> Anyone who has been on TAM for a while knows this simply isn't true.
> 
> It's very common to get the details. I'm surprised she hasn't told him much he and Steve are alike and that they would make great friends.


It isn't the details they share, it is the ones they omit that are important.


----------



## TRy

Cwbishop82 said:


> Our sex life is almost nonexistent, maybe once or twice a month.





Cwbishop82 said:


> The little sex we do have doesn't last long either. A little foreplay an then she wants to get right to the main event.


 Since you are very nearly in what researchers would call a sexless marriage (defined as sex 10 or less times a year), and your wife has no passion for you on those rare occasions when you do have sex, you are also in a passionless marriage where you have in effect become friend zoned by your own wife. With this other man spending more time with your wife and becoming her BFF, and with your wife's feelings toward you now being platonic, even if you assume that her relationship with the other man is still platonic, you have no advantage over her other man when it comes to who your wife subconsciously ranks higher in her life. 

At this point an emotional affair ("EA") is just as bad in ending your marriage as an ("PA"), since you do not have a romantic advantage over the other man. If it is not too late already, you need to act now before it is too late. Time is not on your side.


----------



## Marische

ButtPunch said:


> Anyone who has been on TAM for a while knows this simply isn't true.
> 
> It's very common to get the details. I'm surprised she hasn't told him much he and Steve are alike and that they would make great friends.


I think she is not betraying because the OP states that she got angry at him for not acting jealous.


----------



## Lostme

Maybe she is cheating, and she is telling you this stuff to see if you suspect anything.

Or it is as simple as trying to make you jealous to see if you still care. 

The only thing I can suggest as that you just keep your eyes and ears open.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Marische said:


> I think she is not betraying because the OP states that she got angry at him for not acting jealous.


Yes, the poster understood what you were saying. This sh!t test happens all over TAM, other websites as well, as a precursor to or someone already committing betrayal. It's one of those games where a spouse needs to set strong boundaries. Jizz jokes, lunch buying and flirting are rarely, if ever, safe for a marriage.


His marriage is in trouble regardless of whether she is cheating or not. He needs to get these issues addressed before there is real marriage breaking trouble.


----------



## TRy

Marische said:


> I think she is not betraying because the OP states that she got angry at him for not acting jealous.


 Many spouse in an emotional affair ("EA") feel that since there is no sex, they are not cheating, when in fact an emotional betrayal can be just as damaging to a marriage as a physical betrayal.


----------



## plomito

Bro I'm sorry if I'm late with the reply but trust me from a person that is dealing with it. Be concerned, ask questions do not for the love of God. Trust this guy.. My wife had this guy that she couldn't stop talking about and always so nice of her and all of this and that, and now we are at the stage of divorce because she is messing with he after I went through hell to prove to her that she is messing with him.. Just saying.. 

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk


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## jdawg2015

Please tell me precisely how the government "hit you with a 1000 dollars in Federal Taxes to pay for the affordable care act"

No such tax liability exists. Try again.



Tortdog said:


> Yeswecan said:
> 
> 
> 
> And that is illogical.
> 
> 
> 
> I have great health insurance and almost never use it. I just don't like going to doctors.
> 
> You realize that the third highest cause of death are mistakes by our medical providers. Was in the news today.
> 
> And the government hit me with more than $1,000 in federal taxes to pay for the Affordable Care Act. I was waiting for my premium to drop by $2,500, not pay more in premiums and tax to get malpractice from our doctors...
Click to expand...


----------



## alexm

MachoMcCoy said:


> Nobody's taking my bait? Fine. I'll tel you anyway: her new BFF finally made his move and she can't BELIEVE it. He was like a brother...
> 
> Men a slimeball dogs gals. Not just that one you're married to. ALL of us.


Speaking as a man, I reluctantly agree with this. We're not all exactly the same, but there's almost always something else going on behind the scenes even when you don't think so.

Most accurate way to tell if a guy thinks of you in a way that you may not like is if he makes any sort of sexual reference, jokes, or uses innuendo. Even that one time. It's straight up fishing to gauge your reaction.

My wife works in an extremely male dominated field, and the shop she used to work in was particularly bad. To her, she was just fitting in (a necessity sometimes, when you're as much in the minority as she is at work). She thought she knew who the gross guys were, and that some of the others were just joking around, or fitting in like she was. She could handle herself, and especially while she was single, it was no big deal.

Long story short, I wasn't comfortable with that dynamic once I started dating her, but I didn't give her an ultimatum or anything. I did, however, tell her the big "man secret" (as per above), and that even though she thinks she can separate the pigs from the guys who are "just joking", that she's very wrong.

It took one of those supposed "nice guys" (attached, with a newborn at home) to "accidentally" send a picture of his junk to her through Facebook. Another guy outright told her what he wanted to do to her after a couple of drinks at a retirement party for a co-worker.

Going on 20 years in that industry, and all it took was me to tell her the obvious, which is not really a secret at all.

There's a real catch-22 involved in this whole thing, though, as it can have the inadvertent effect of making women not trust ANY man, should they be nice to her. There's a fair bit of truth to that, unfortunately, but women should also be more aware of the "tip-offs" when a man isn't just being nice. As I said, any sort of sexual talk whatsoever is a sure-fire sign.

The other catch-22 is that all too often, women rather enjoy this sort of attention (we men do, too). Everybody likes to be flirted with by the guy or girl who we think aren't pigs. We figure we know who the pigs are and who the harmless ones are fairly quickly, then we separate them into those two categories. We judge a book by its cover, in other words.

So one group of people are gross, and we don't take their flirting and innuendo nicely, and we shut them down or ignore them. They may be greasy looking, or just naturally creepy. Not people we'd date if we were single.

The ones we put into the "good" category, we allow it to continue. They're decent looking, clean cut, well-spoken, etc. We decide they're no threat whatsoever.

But as my wife found out, people can be mis-categorized rather easily, and before you know it, the "nice guy" with the 4 month old baby at home, who has a picture of his wife on his desk has "accidentally" sent you a picture of his ****, and the guy you've worked with for 8 years is suddenly telling you he wants to do all kinds of things to you while he's drunk at a work function. The former is no accident. Sure, people can text or call or message the wrong person, but when it comes to sending a nudie of yourself to somebody, you don't just flippantly do it without making sure it's going to the right person before you hit "send". Not that I've ever sent somebody a picture like that, but if I were to, I'd make 1000% certain it wasn't going to my mom, or that guy I haven't seen since grade school. For those of us who use Facebook, we also know that you have click on a persons name to send them a message. Then you write the message (or attach a picture). Right above this message is a PICTURE of the person you're sending the message to, as well as their name. Then you have to actually send the message. It's a multi-step process, incredibly difficult to screw up, even when one is rushed and quickly replying to somebody.

Those two incidents in particular came as a surprise to my wife. I've only ever said "I told you so" once to her, and that was then. Because I did tell her so, and she didn't believe me.


----------



## Cwbishop82

I want to add that as of Wednesday night she's barely spoken to me at all since our argument. I tried to have a discussion with her this morning before she left for work and must have said something that upset her because she glared at me and said "you are on a VERY fast track to being single!" Trying to talk to her about changes in her behavior only seems to be making her defensive and angry.


----------



## alexm

My first thought with the OP was that she was giving him a **** test.

Her reaction to him not being jealous at the guy buying her lunch speaks volumes, IMO.

Why the **** test? Perhaps because she feels ignored or under-appreciated at home, and wants to see if OP gives a crap.

The funny thing about people is they don't want a jealous partner, but they DO want a jealous partner at the same time. There's obviously a fine line between mate-guarding and severely jealous behaviour, and we all have to find it.

In this case, I honestly think OP's wife was hoping he'd have a mate-guarding reaction to this. So when he replied with "cool", she got po'd.


----------



## alexm

Cwbishop82 said:


> I want to add that as of Wednesday night she's barely spoken to me at all since our argument. I tried to have a discussion with her this morning before she left for work and must have said something that upset her because she glared at me and said "you are on a VERY fast track to being single!" Trying to talk to her about changes in her behavior only seems to be making her defensive and angry.


IMO, the time for talk is over, and now it's time for action. She doesn't want to discuss this with you, she wants you to SHOW her how you feel about her, and the marriage.

I think she gave you ample time to discuss things, find solutions, work on whatever needs to be worked on, but that ship eventually sails, and it sounds like it has.

With the benefit of hindsight, I made the same mistake years ago with my ex wife. I didn't see the warning signs at the time, and I didn't mate-guard AT ALL. Similar to your situation, my ex wife started to tell me about every time some guy hit on her, and even how. That was not something she ever did before. My responses were along the lines of "Cool" or "Well, you're a beautiful woman!", both of which made her feel I was okay with it and it didn't bother me. Of course, she wanted it to bother me, and to take action, or show some signs of jealousy and mate-guarding. Fact was, I wasn't threatened by it. I was comfortable and confident and trusted her.

Guess what happened? She kept pushing the envelope, I kept missing the signs. In retrospect, what happened was so plain for me to see, even at the time, but I didn't. When the **** hit the fan, I immediately started to think about all the instances where it was so plain and obvious. Every little thing came back to me at once, like "how did I not see that???"


----------



## farsidejunky

Cwbishop82 said:


> I want to add that as of Wednesday night she's barely spoken to me at all since our argument. I tried to have a discussion with her this morning before she left for work and must have said something that upset her because she glared at me and said "you are on a VERY fast track to being single!" Trying to talk to her about changes in her behavior only seems to be making her defensive and angry.


"I will miss you, and probably wont find someone I love as much as you. But I will settle for someone who does not carry on inappropriate relationships with other men while they are married."


----------



## MrsAldi

@Cwbishop82 did you confront her on Wednesday night regarding this co-worker? 
Also if you could provide more context on the discussion you tried to have with her this morning?
I would like to help you. 
Wondering why she would say you're the "fast track to single" comment. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## Tortdog

jdawg2015 said:


> Please tell me precisely how the government "hit you with a 1000 dollars in Federal Taxes to pay for the affordable care act"
> 
> No such tax liability exists. Try again.


ACA increased the Medicare Part A tax by 0.9 percent. The projection is that this increase will raise about $35 billion. About $1,000 was my contribution this year. I am trying to figure out why my premiums went up and I get taxed more.


----------



## john117

To be subject to the tax you need to be earning some serious money... To pay $1k extra because of ACA means $100k over the threshold of $250k, or $350k income.

Considering the Bush era tax cuts we received at those income levels I would count my blessings.


----------



## 225985

Taxes are a good topic for another thread.

OP, did you tell us your and your wife's approximate age / decade of life?


----------



## The Middleman

Cwbishop82 said:


> ... before she left for work and must have said something that upset her because she glared at me and said "you are on a VERY fast track to being single!"


Perhaps you should consider taking her up on her offer ...



farsidejunky said:


> "I will miss you, and probably wont find someone I love as much as you. But I will settle for someone who does not carry on inappropriate relationships with other men while they are married."


...and this is how you would go about it.

As I said in my earlier post. I would make an unannounced visit to her workplace and put this other guy on notice. if wifey doesn't like it .. oh well ...


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

I agree, but don't say "settle" and what you "won't find." There is NEVER an excuse for **** tests.


> "I will miss you, I do love you, but I will not settle for someone who will carry on inappropriate relationships with other men while they are married."


----------



## Cwbishop82

blueinbr said:


> Taxes are a good topic for another thread.
> 
> OP, did you tell us your and your wife's approximate age / decade of life?


I'm 33 and she is 36


----------



## Cwbishop82

MrsAldi said:


> @Cwbishop82 did you confront her on Wednesday night regarding this co-worker?
> Also if you could provide more context on the discussion you tried to have with her this morning?
> I would like to help you.
> Wondering why she would say you're the "fast track to single" comment.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


No the argument on Wednesday was about how I lost my job. I found out yesterday that I was just laid off because they were overstaffed. When I told her that either she was bull****ting me or her boss was bull****ting her about it she said "yeah cause I'm a liar. **** you." The discussion this morning was about how we would get the kids to daycare if I get a second shift job. My vehicle doesn't run very well and she doesn't want the kids riding in it.


----------



## MrsAldi

@Cwbishop82 I'm sorry about your job situation. 
You both worked for same employer? 
And this boss knows you both? 
Is this boss is he a friend of this "Steve"? 
The kids in the car thing is understandable, but why would she threaten you about ending the relationship over something trivial? 




Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## phillybeffandswiss

Wow, she is piling on and it has nothing to do with a discussion about the guy? If this is the case, you need to shut this down immediately.



> The kids in the car thing is understandable, but why would she threaten you about ending the relationship over something trivial?


One of those two guys, or both, has an ulterior motive. Notice, he is now a lair based on another man's word.


----------



## MrsAldi

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Wow, she is piling on and it has nothing to do with a discussion about the guy? If this is the case, you need to shut this down immediately.
> 
> 
> One of those two guys, or both, has an ulterior motive. Notice, he is now a lair based on another man's word.


I agree with you Philly, but he needs to do this in a "non threatening" way. If he starts an argument, he may push her further away. 
Yes these other guys have some motive. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## phillybeffandswiss

He needs to shut this down immediately. I agree, he needs to approach this in a calm and collected matter.. She is the one leveling threats right now and he needs to shut all of this down. She threatened him with divorce over an alleged lie when he was laid off due to over staffing. Now, while I do not believe in escalation, let's not shift this to him pushing her away. She made a manipulative marriage ending threat, called him a liar and has done repeated sh!t tests. She is distancing herself from him, he is not being threatening nor is his he doing any pushing at this point.


----------



## 225985

MrsAldi said:


> You both worked for same employer?
> And this boss knows you both?
> Is this boss is he a friend of this "Steve"?


CW, can you clarify the working arrangements and timeline? This may be a contributing factor.

Was that a second job for you and do you still have a primary job?
Who started working there first? You or wife?
Did your wife get you the job?
Were many people let go because of staffing or was it just you?
You worked there. Did you ever interact with Steve?
Do wife and Steve work in close proximity? Same shift every time? 
What is Steve's age?

Just exploring some of the interpersonal dynamics of how your wife might be measuring you against Steve.


----------



## TRy

Cwbishop82 said:


> I want to add that as of Wednesday night she's barely spoken to me at all since our argument. I tried to have a discussion with her this morning before she left for work and must have said something that upset her because she glared at me and said "you are on a VERY fast track to being single!" Trying to talk to her about changes in her behavior only seems to be making her defensive and angry.





Cwbishop82 said:


> No the argument on Wednesday was about how I lost my job. I found out yesterday that I was just laid off because they were overstaffed. When I told her that either she was bull****ting me or her boss was bull****ting her about it she said "yeah cause I'm a liar. **** you."


 Sorry but it looks like she has picked the other man over you, and is now looking for reasons to leave you for him. At this point logic or being fair do not apply, as she wants to put the blame on you. The fact that you were let go from the company while the other man and her were kept, makes her see the other man as a winner and you in not so good a light. The other man is making his move on your wife when you are most vulnerable. Blood is in the water.


----------



## Cwbishop82

blueinbr said:


> MrsAldi said:
> 
> 
> 
> You both worked for same employer?
> And this boss knows you both?
> Is this boss is he a friend of this "Steve"?
> 
> 
> 
> CW, can you clarify the working arrangements and timeline? This may be a contributing factor.
> 
> Was that a second job for you and do you still have a primary job?
> Who started working there first? You or wife?
> Did your wife get you the job?
> Were many people let go because of staffing or was it just you?
> You worked there. Did you ever interact with Steve?
> Do wife and Steve work in close proximity? Same shift every time?
> What is Steve's age?
> 
> Just exploring some of the interpersonal dynamics of how your wife might be measuring you against Steve.
Click to expand...

She started there first. She is a full time employee and I came on three months later as a temp. I have no idea how many others were let go. Yes her and Steve work in the same room together everyday. She is 36 and he is 50 or 51.


----------



## MrsAldi

@Cwbishop82 I don't understand stand how your wife (36)could be attracted to a 50 year old charmer/loser, but everybody is different. I still have my doubts that she is physically cheating on you. 
Emotionally she may be attached because he's entertaining & they have the work stuff in common etc. 
Do you have access to her phone? 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Cwbishop82

blueinbr said:


> Cwbishop82 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yes her and Steve work in the same room together everyday. *She is 36 and he is 50* or 51.
> 
> 
> 
> I am 50. My coworker was/is 31. IMO she might see him as a friend only (best case for you) but chance he sees her as more than a friend. Doubt he is player but, jeez, they spend more time together than you and W do. A bonding can/does take place - work wife, work husband etc. Mine called me her work husband. (Disclaimer: I'm projecting my own situation here. Just indicating possibilities, not probabilities)
> 
> Are they just two together or is there a bunch more people with them?
Click to expand...

There are a few others. She's actually the only female in the group.


----------



## Cwbishop82

MrsAldi said:


> @Cwbishop82 I don't understand stand how your wife (36)could be attracted to a 50 year old charmer/loser, but everybody is different. I still have my doubts that she is physically cheating on you.
> Emotionally she may be attached because he's entertaining & they have the work stuff in common etc.
> Do you have access to her phone?
> 
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


I'm not even sure she is. She may just get along better with him than the other people in their group.


----------



## 225985

Any chance you can calmly talk to her tonight about that "you are on a VERY fast track to being single!" comment?


----------



## MachoMcCoy

blueinbr said:


> Any chance you can calmly talk to her tonight about that "you are on a VERY fast track to being single!" comment?


No need. He is being a d1ck to her because you all have him convinced she's in an affair with her friend. Is she? Maybe, but chances are she isn't. 

What's more likely? A MrsAldi's type scenario where she clicked with a 50+ year old guy and has a blast at work with him, unknowingly encouraging him because she's clueless that ALL men are pigs? Or...



Cwbishop82 said:


> Before I start let me say that my wife and I have a pretty good marriage


She stepped out of this pretty good marriage the first time someone with a penis showed her attention. She was so starved for it that she even started a physical affair with an old guy. A bit insulting, huh?. And it makes you look REALLY secure.

But go ahead, be my guest. OP, keep going all James Bond. THAT'S what she meant by fast track to single. So instead of slowing it down like you should, folks tell you to push towards a FASTER divorce than the one you are already pushing for. Nice. 

Go ahead and have that talk. I can't WAIT to see how it goes.

Read some other threads pal. It's ALWAYS cheating with these folks. Sometimes it is, but not always. HARDLY always. Personally, I play the odds. And the odds are VERY good she still think this guy likes her the same way she does him.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

MachoMcCoy said:


> No need. He is being a d1ck to her because you all have him convinced she's in an affair with her friend. Is she? Maybe, but chances are she isn't.
> 
> What's more likely? A MrsAldi's type scenario where she clicked with a 50+ year old guy and has a blast at work with him, unknowingly encouraging him because she's clueless that ALL men are pigs? Or...
> 
> 
> 
> She stepped out of this pretty good marriage the first time someone with a penis showed her attention. She was so starved for it that she even started a physical affair with an old guy. A bit insulting, huh?. And it makes you look REALLY secure.
> 
> But go ahead, be my guest. OP, keep going all James Bond. THAT'S what she meant by fast track to single. So instead of slowing it down like you should, folks tell you to push towards a FASTER divorce than the one you are already pushing for. Nice.
> 
> Go ahead and have that talk. I can't WAIT to see how it goes.
> 
> Read some other threads pal. It's ALWAYS cheating with these folks. Sometimes it is, but not always. HARDLY always. Personally, I play the odds. And the odds are VERY good she still think this guy likes her the same way she does him.


LOL. This is when you know someone is trying to troll instead of being helpful. 

I said she wasn't cheating and didn't know.
Mrs. Aldi said she wasn't cheating.
Blueinbr said she wasn't cheating and you quoted him LOL.
Many others as well, not "all", but keep using that soapbox of all knowing LOL.

Welcome to the other side of TAM C, the person who is so angry and bitter they project it onto "all" other posters.


----------



## 225985

MachoMcCoy said:


> Read some other threads pal. It's ALWAYS cheating with these folks. Sometimes it is, but not always. HARDLY always. Personally,* I play the odds. And the odds are VERY good she still think this guy likes her the same way she does him.*


Huh? What odds? General public odds or TAM odds? Normally people come to TAM for a reason and there is already a problem or potential problem, so by TAM odds, the odds are often not something to risk.

We are presenting OP with possibilities, many of which the posters here have actually experienced. We tell OP's to trust their gut - if they think there is a problem, often there is a PROBLEM - because they know their spouse best.

His wife made a divorce comment. To me, that is something OP should talk to his wife about. That talk might settle this whole issue.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Let it go, this is what MM does now. OP's wife passive aggressively asked him to get jealous, he didn't. Then everything started adding up and now he's the bad guy because his gut is screaming something is wrong. Yet, he should ignore the liar and divorce comment because he's being a "d!ck" for not acting jealous and controlling.

LOL.


----------



## TRy

MachoMcCoy said:


> He is being a d1ck to her because you all have him convinced she's in an affair with her friend. Is she? Maybe, but chances are she isn't.


 First, the OP is not even being close to a "d1ck to her". In fact she has commented that she was surprised that the OP was not bothered that the other man ("OM") bought her lunch. If anything she is the one that is attacking him for no good reason. Second, unlike your false claim, most are not saying that she is "in an affair" with this OM. What many are saying, including myself, is that it looks like she may be moving in that direction. Her recent comment confirm that she is starting the blame shifting of issues in the marriage that is often associated as a prerequisite of an affair; especially for otherwise good people that need such excuses because they think of themselves as a decent person.

As for her being 36 and him being 50 being an impediment to them developing romantic feelings for each other, many of my male friends that remarried in their 50s, married someone that was between 5 to 20 years younger than them. This is actually very common.


----------



## MachoMcCoy

phillybeffandswiss said:


> LOL. This is when you know someone is trying to troll instead of being helpful.
> 
> I said she wasn't cheating and didn't know.
> Mrs. Aldi said she wasn't cheating.
> Blueinbr said she wasn't cheating and you quoted him LOL.
> 
> Welcome to the other side of TAM C, the person who is so angry and bitter they project it onto "all" other posters.





ButtPunch said:


> I think you have a enough cause to check your phone records to see if she is texting/calling him constantly.





Yeswecan said:


> Your W is at the very least working towards an EA.





ne9907 said:


> This is exactly how everything starts.
> Why were you not jealous they had lunch together?





naiveonedave said:


> It was a date, even if just a cheap one.





TRy said:


> It is amazing how these health issues do not prevent them from having sex when should they decide to cheat on their spouse.





tech-novelist said:


> Sorry, but your wife is either cheating on you with this guy or getting ready to.
> You need to follow the instructions here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html.
> Then you will know exactly where you stand.





JohnA said:


> Gather your evidence, while doing so remain calm towards your spouse. Do not give them a heads up at this point. *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html. While work place adultery are difficult to prove it can be done. It may require you to adopt an attitude of not "beyond a reasonable doubt" but rather "balance of evidence"
> 
> Gathering evidence and planning for a possible divorce are next.





TAMAT said:


> The non-existent sex life you speak of is a real red flag. This might not be her first emotional affair, there is a good chance the sex was turned off due to an earlier affair which died.
> Tamat





IamSomebody said:


> Enough red flags here for them to see from the Space Station.





manfromlamancha said:


> Stop hoping and start doing. Plant a VAR, show some jealousy, stop making excuses for her - something!





plomito said:


> Bro I'm sorry if I'm late with the reply but trust me from a person that is dealing with it. Be concerned, ask questions do not for the love of God. Trust this guy.. My wife had this guy that she couldn't stop talking about and always so nice of her and all of this and that, and now we are at the stage of divorce because she is messing with he after I went through hell to prove to her that she is messing with him.. Just saying..





farsidejunky said:


> "I will miss you, and probably wont find someone I love as much as you. But I will settle for someone who does not carry on inappropriate relationships with other men while they are married."





blueinbr said:


> Jeez, CW. The more you post, the more the red flags go up. They are discussing his dating life. Another flag.
> 
> And why is she telling you all this? That is not good either. *She is testing you and measuring you against him. Make no mistake.*


Sorry, I'm taking Blue back to my side, leavingyou with two against my formidable list. He never said "she's cheating", but if THAT isn't alarmist, what is?

If you wanted to waste the time I just did, you will see that I took my own part out each post to make MY point (and not take up space). And I will admit that every original full post leaves open the door that it may NOT be cheating. But just like BinBr, they only leave the door open a little while sounding the alarm. Each of those poster's main point was, and I'm paraphrasing "75% or better she's cheating with him, dude".

When the alternative makes SO much more sense. 

Yeah, I'll stick with my assessment that this forum has a HEAVY tendency to revert to infidelity WAY too much. Making EVERY "she's cheating" claim moot.

Do you REALLY not see it or are you arguing the way a liberal defends Obama's legacy? Facts be damned.


----------



## MrsAldi

@MachoMcCoy I agree, I've never been cheated on or been unfaithful.
But I've been "hit on" many times (husband gets hit on to BTW)
The wife here is being hit on but in an "indirect" way. 
E.g. he charming/supportive/friends 
rather than can I have sex with you. (Direct way) 





Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Cwbishop82

So we just had a little chat. Apparently I was way off base as to why she's been acting the way she has. All of these behavioral changes are because her work is putting so much pressure on her she's close to a nervous breakdown. Also explains why she comes home so exhausted every night she can barely function.


----------



## MachoMcCoy

OP. One more suggestion then I'll leave you alone. The next time you talk to her, make it useful. And for GOD'S sake, do NOT shine a light in her face when doing it

Look her in the eye and say to her, point blank: "You do understand that this man would boink you in a heartbeat if he had the chance, and has probably masturbated thinking about how it is all going to go down when it does". 

WHEN she accuses you of being disgusting and crazy, you do two things:

1 - Hand her whatever documentation you can on this type of thing. Start with MrsAldi's posts. Add mine. Add other men's. Start a thread of your own and invite her to read it (on a different forum, surely). I'm guessing that Shirley Glass book everyone recommends has somethig on this dynamic (that was a joke, nobody talks about it).
2 - While it is still going bad, just tell her to prepare for that VERY awkward moment when he will make that move/ask you on a date/shove his tongue down your throat, and have her response (and nerve) ready. She'll thank you later.

She's probably not having an affair with him. Probably the opposite. Read other threads in "General" let alone "Coping". It's ALWAYS cheating to these people. If nothing else, listen to the women. That's who you're trying to understand, right? Not other men who have no clue. 

But it's YOUR life.


----------



## MrsAldi

@Cwbishop82 good news! But always keep up the romance & dates with your wife, because you never know who might try steal her! 
Best of luck to you both. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Tortdog

MrsAldi said:


> @Cwbishop82 I'm sorry about your job situation.
> You both worked for same employer?
> And this boss knows you both?
> Is this boss is he a friend of this "Steve"?
> The kids in the car thing is understandable, but why would she threaten you about ending the relationship over something trivial?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


I'm not getting how an employer tells an employee about terminating another employee. 

#letsgotocourt


----------



## MachoMcCoy

MrsAldi said:


> @Cwbishop82 good news!


It WOULD be good news if it wasn't vague bullsh1t to divert attention away from whatever the frig actually HAPPENED at work.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Like I said not "all.


----------



## MachoMcCoy

Tortdog said:


> I'm not getting how an employer tells an employee about terminating another employee.
> #letsgotocourt


Whatever ELSE may or may not go on in this office, inappropriate discussions are surely A-OK..


----------



## MachoMcCoy

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Like I said not "all.


And like I said, "75% or better".


----------



## MrsAldi

@MachoMcCoy possibly but whatever happened, she sounds like an OK wife to me. Maybe some will call me naive but not everyone on this planet cheats. I live in hope!!! 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## MachoMcCoy

MrsAldi said:


> @MachoMcCoy I agree, I've never been cheated on or been unfaithful.
> But I've been "hit on" many times (husband gets hit on to BTW)
> The wife here is being hit on but in an "indirect" way.
> E.g. he charming/supportive/friends
> rather than can I have sex with you. (Direct way)


I fully understood that from the very beginning. I am comparing her situation to when the guy you discussed who you DIDN'T expect to hit on you did. That's what WILL happen here. Sorry if I misunderstood your story and used you as an example incorrectly.


----------



## MachoMcCoy

MrsAldi said:


> @MachoMcCoy possibly but whatever happened, she sounds like an OK wife to me. Maybe some will call me naive but not everyone on this planet cheats. I live in hope!!!
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


We're missing that click here MrsA. I agree with you. There was never a time I didn't say she was a good person. I just said SOMETHING happened and she's not saying what it was. Maybe it really WAS that her boss told her about the firing. I will admit to having read THAT incorrectly at first. Who would have expected her boss to actually DO something like that? 

But I guess he did. It got stressful. She got even MORE pissed when he accused her of having an affair with her "brother". 

So it's either my pretty articulate, believable spin on EVERYTHING that went on, including her behaving EXACTLY like a good wife would who just happens to get caught up in the work culture a little too much, or...

Or she's having an affair with the first penis-wearing person she meets, who happens to be 50 years old. Add no hard evidence. 

We agree, I think, MrsAldi.


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## plomito

All I can say is when you have a weird feeling about something, act on it before is too late. 

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk


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## Blossom Leigh

He has no proof she is. He has no proof she isn't. 

He needs to trust but verify.


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## 225985

We all know that as any OP provides more information in a thread, positions and theorizes can change. OP himself indicated his wife reacted odd when he did not appear jealous about the lunch. How is that not a test?

I still clearly stand in my position that conditions are suitable for an EA to potentially develop. Their sex life is way off. Stress of jobs, money, cars etc. Wife has a close op sex friend at work to which she can talk for 8 hours a day. Heck, they have talked about jizzing in faces. In my 30 years of experience, I have worked with many women. I talked about jizz with exactly ONE coworker. 

OP, as the lady from Ireland suggests, keep up the romance & dates with your wife. And fix the sex life or you will be back here in 1-2 years with another thread much more serious. TAMers often suggest reading "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley

BTW: If you wife starts telling you she has to work overtime shifts because of the extra work, come back here.


----------



## TRy

MachoMcCoy said:


> Sorry, I'm taking Blue back to my side, leavingyou with two against my formidable list. He never said "she's cheating", but if THAT isn't alarmist, what is?


 In your false list of quotes that supposedly put me on the list of alarmists saying that she is probably cheating, you quoted me as saying "It is amazing how these health issues do not prevent them from having sex when should they decide to cheat on their spouse". Notice that I said "when should they decide to cheat", with the the actual decision to cheat still to be made? This clearly does not say that she is cheating or that she is probably already cheating, as it only indicates that her health issues would not prevent her from cheating should she decide to do so. Please read what I actually said and stop projecting your distorted interpretation on me and every one else, just to make a false holier than everyone else statement.

As a side note. Cheating is an issue that destroys many people's lives. Because of this, cheating must be viewed very carefully when conditions arise where is is a real although unlikely possibility. Similar to playing Russian Roulette, where the odds of there being a round in the chamber are only 1 in 6, the consequences are so serious that you cannot ignore the risk.


----------



## sidney2718

alexm said:


> My first thought with the OP was that she was giving him a **** test.
> 
> Her reaction to him not being jealous at the guy buying her lunch speaks volumes, IMO.
> 
> Why the **** test? Perhaps because she feels ignored or under-appreciated at home, and wants to see if OP gives a crap.
> 
> The funny thing about people is they don't want a jealous partner, but they DO want a jealous partner at the same time. There's obviously a fine line between mate-guarding and severely jealous behaviour, and we all have to find it.
> 
> In this case, I honestly think OP's wife was hoping he'd have a mate-guarding reaction to this. So when he replied with "cool", she got po'd.


We are overworking the word "jealous". In my opinion (worth what you paid for it) she does not want a jealous husband, but she does want one that cares.


----------



## sidney2718

Cwbishop82 said:


> No the argument on Wednesday was about how I lost my job. I found out yesterday that I was just laid off because they were overstaffed. When I told her that either she was bull****ting me or her boss was bull****ting her about it she said "yeah cause I'm a liar. **** you." The discussion this morning was about how we would get the kids to daycare if I get a second shift job. My vehicle doesn't run very well and she doesn't want the kids riding in it.


Did you read the post about her boss saying anything about why you were let go is a serious no-no. It could cost him his job.

By the way, you report conversations and events with a sense of removal. For example, you told us about the discussion this morning but I have no sense of what happened at all. The car issue. Are you so strapped for money that you can't afford a used car in reasonable shape? In a posting above you were complaining about having an extra $1000 in taxes because of medicaid. Someone pointed out to you that you'd have to be making north of $350,000 per year to be hit that hard. Surely you could afford a used car that is safe enough to satisfy your wife?

Or am I just imagining the $1000 extra tax?


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## sidney2718

phillybeffandswiss said:


> LOL. This is when you know someone is trying to troll instead of being helpful.
> 
> I said she wasn't cheating and didn't know.
> Mrs. Aldi said she wasn't cheating.
> Blueinbr said she wasn't cheating and you quoted him LOL.
> Many others as well, not "all", but keep using that soapbox of all knowing LOL.
> 
> Welcome to the other side of TAM C, the person who is so angry and bitter they project it onto "all" other posters.


I never said she was cheating either. But you are right to an extent There is a bit of troll smell here. I keep having the feeling that we are getting newspaper headlines about what is going on, but we aren't getting any feel for the details.


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## JohnA

@MachoMcCoy, really? 

My great grandfather was a volunteer fireman in Boston. He saw first hand the result of locked exits. I am always aware of fire exits and if they are blocked. If they are blocked I leave. Does that mean I am "oh god the building is going to burn with it"?

In the future please address me directly if you need clarification of my thoughts. 
@Cwbishop82: your wife's answer is reasonable, but so is your uneasy. You do need to find a way to lighten her burden. How is a lot harder then just saying I am here for you. My experience is to often men will try to solve problems when all there wife wants is to vent. Let her vent, ask a lot of open ended questions and do not offer suggestions. 

Off hand start by reading the 5 love languages. I spent decades in sales. It taught me to always be aware of the other persons reality. At the very least this book will help you understand your wife better.


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## sidney2718

Tortdog said:


> I'm not getting how an employer tells an employee about terminating another employee.
> 
> #letsgotocourt


Add me to your list.


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## phillybeffandswiss

sidney2718 said:


> I never said she was cheating either.


You were one of the many others. 
So, it boils down to OP figuring out why she is so mad he isn't mate-guarding and what is going on to make her threaten divorce over an argument about being laid off or fired.


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## MachoMcCoy

JohnA said:


> @MachoMcCoy, really?
> 
> My great grandfather was a volunteer fireman in Boston. He saw first hand the result of locked exits. I am always aware of fire exits and if they are blocked. If they are blocked I leave. Does that mean I am "oh god the building is going to burn with it"?
> 
> *In the future please address me directly* if you need clarification of my thoughts.


Fair enough.

If you were the fire inspector, you would get fired if the only thing you EVER did was go straight to proving "smoking in bed" and stay that course REGARDLESS of conflicting evidence.

You were the most alarmist of the bunch. That's it, Mr. Fire Inspector? She's either "smoking in bed" with this guy (get it? "smoking"?) and we've got to turn her into a criminal and prepare to hurt a LOT of lives, or it's...nothing?

This site has very much become a "SHE'S CHEATING...now WHAT'S the evidence again?" type forum. And to say otherwise is lie. 

OF COURSE cheating is always a possibility. If I were to post on a forum, ANY forum, 6 years ago describing my marriage, I'm GUESSING "she's cheating" would have been the LAST thing you would say. Well, guess what?

"prepare for divorce" (your words) before even TALKING to her about it? Please!

There, I addressed you directly. Anybody else?


Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnA
Gather your evidence, while doing so remain calm towards your spouse. Do not give them a heads up at this point. *Standard Evidence Post. While work place adultery are difficult to prove it can be done. It may require you to adopt an attitude of not "beyond a reasonable doubt" but rather "balance of evidence"

Gathering evidence and planning for a possible divorce are next.



THIS IS NOT A THREADJACK!!!!!

OP: if you go all james bond and accusing her of infidelity, you will push her away further. Marriage 101 dude. And these alarmists are pushing you right there.


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## JohnA

@MachoMcCoy, 

First, thank you for responding directly to me and providing a concrete example. Frankly the example of being aware of possible fire dangers is a good one. So is wearing seat belts. In high school a friend rode with a volunteer ambulance. The accidents he saw caused him to develop a life long habits. Especially towards wearing seat belts and the use of alcohol and driving. 

My advice to know his options is not alarmist, it is rooted in the paractical. Perhaps an interview I saw of an Isarali when asked how she could not help living in fear. Her response "I live aware not in fear". Living aware is acknowledging dangers in life, accepting them, taking sensible precautions, being prepared forth worst, and embracing life. It is being aware of the dangers of fire and having an exit plan, and it is knowing a spouse may die and having life insurance, it is knowing the other driver may hit you and wearing seat belts, it is knowing you can lose a job and keeping your job skills and work network intact. 

To be clear in my advise to OP

There is a problem and it could be him. Read His Need - Her Needs, 5 love langages, etc, 
Remain calm and positive with his spouse - assume this is a bump and work towards building a better marriage.
Be aware of red flags but understand red flags are not proof of adultery, treat them as indications of possible issues to be resolved. 
Take sensible steps at times to verify phone numbers called and text usage 
Have a course of action if it is adultery and the marriage will end in divorce. 

Thank again for the direct message to me and the opportunity to clarify my thoughts.


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## 225985

Cwbishop82 said:


> So we just had a little chat. Apparently I was way off base as to why she's been acting the way she has. All of these behavioral changes are because her work is putting so much pressure on her she's close to a nervous breakdown. Also explains why she comes home so exhausted every night she can barely function.


[This section was deleted for privacy]

A good analogy of this situation is a forest that has not been cared for in years. Lots of dead brush and trees (ie lack of sex in the marriage). It only takes a spark, a lightning strike, an unattended campfire to cause a major forest fire. The rangers and fire jumpers do not live in fear of this situation but they are ever vigilant. If a fire starts, the quicker the response and heavier the response can contain the fire before it burns out of control.

Good luck OP. I hope this is just as your wife says. But you still have work to do on the marriage. Make that your top priority.


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## KJ_Simmons

Early stage EA. I'm convinced that 99% of AP's will have been mentioned to the BS at some point in time prior to the A starting.


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## Cwbishop82

UPDATE: OK I thought things were getting better between us over the weekend (though she still doesn't really reciprocate any affection I show to her.) But I hugged her this morning when she was leaving for work, and she was crying. When I asked her what was wrong she just shook her head and rushed out the door. Why the hell would me hugging her goodbye make her cry?! I'm gonna try to talk to her tonight.


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## bandit.45

Cwbishop82 said:


> UPDATE: OK I thought things were getting better between us over the weekend (though she still doesn't really reciprocate any affection I show to her.) But I hugged her this morning when she was leaving for work, and she was crying. When I asked her what was wrong she just shook her head and rushed out the door. *Why the hell would me hugging her goodbye make her cry?*! I'm gonna try to talk to her tonight.


She doesn't love you. 

Sorry man.


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## Slow Hand

bandit.45 said:


> She doesn't love you.
> 
> Sorry man.


Yup. It may be true. 

When this all started with my wife, she couldn't look me in the eyes and tell me "I love you". Never did get the speech, but those actions were quite clear, she was already in a PA that started as an EA with a coworker.

It's funny how all these stories are so similar. Who would've thunk it, the more things change, the more they stay the same.


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## 225985

Cwbishop82 said:


> UPDATE: OK I thought things were getting *better between us over the weekend *(though she still doesn't really reciprocate any affection I show to her.) But I hugged her this morning when she was leaving for work, and she was crying. When I asked her what was wrong she just shook her head and rushed out the door. Why the hell would me hugging her goodbye make her cry?! I'm gonna try to talk to her tonight.


(Measure improvement over weeks and months, not weekends.) 

Try to calmly talk to her (no yelling or threats) no matter what she says and REALLY LISTEN. Hear her emotions as much as the words she will say. 

Have you found a job?

Stay strong friend.


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## wmn1

sidney2718 said:


> I have a wilder theory for you. She wants to get you jealous so that you will act more romantically toward her. Make a serious issue about getting your wife to a doctor to see what is wrong.
> 
> Your wife may think that you don't care much for her. You don't care about this guy and you don't care about increasing your sex life. She's left confused.
> 
> Why do I think this? Because there is no evidence that the OM and your W are doing anything toward having a physical relationship. What you do have is her telling you about stuff you KNOW should have you reacting.


Yes but there are more mature ways of handling it rather than flaunting another guy in front of her husband's face. This behavior is not on the OP, Sidney


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## wmn1

phillybeffandswiss said:


> LOL. This is when you know someone is trying to troll instead of being helpful.
> 
> I said she wasn't cheating and didn't know.
> Mrs. Aldi said she wasn't cheating.
> Blueinbr said she wasn't cheating and you quoted him LOL.
> Many others as well, not "all", but keep using that soapbox of all knowing LOL.
> 
> Welcome to the other side of TAM C, the person who is so angry and bitter they project it onto "all" other posters.


agreed


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## wmn1

Cwbishop82 said:


> UPDATE: OK I thought things were getting better between us over the weekend (though she still doesn't really reciprocate any affection I show to her.) But I hugged her this morning when she was leaving for work, and she was crying. When I asked her what was wrong she just shook her head and rushed out the door. Why the hell would me hugging her goodbye make her cry?! I'm gonna try to talk to her tonight.


keep us updated


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## jerry123

Well, if I were or were not in your situation and my wife cried like that and ran off I would have followed and demanded to know what the he!! Was going on that made her cry. 

Sounds like guilt or like the poster said. ILYBNILWY.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi

Cwbishop82 said:


> UPDATE: OK I thought things were getting better between us over the weekend (though she still doesn't really reciprocate any affection I show to her.) But I hugged her this morning when she was leaving for work, and she was crying. When I asked her what was wrong she just shook her head and rushed out the door. Why the hell would me hugging her goodbye make her cry?! I'm gonna try to talk to her tonight.


Hi, 
There is something amiss here, 
what happened over the weekend? (did you discuss "Steve")
Is she normally affectionate? 
Was there any other conversation before you hugged her? 

Her crying indicates something is seriously wrong, and the head shaking, its like she's in denial or disbelief or something?
but other information is needed to find out what she's crying about. 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars

Cwbishop82 said:


> Our sex life is almost nonexistent, maybe once or twice a month. But this is an issue that's been ongoing for a couple of years now, so I don't think it has anything to do with this.


Without going into detail this quote of yours triggered something that I witnessed at work.....no overheard at work. A prim and proper women was sitting with another [male]co-worker. He was grooming her about how sexy she looked. She whispered, "Thanks, I have not heard that from anyone in a long time. The guy said, "How about when you and your husband make love?". She said: "He isn't interested in that, anymore".

As foreign as it sounds, your wife may want to have sex, but not with you. It is always possible. 

If she is direct and straight forward in her behavior then she is capable, not of being manipulated but doing the lead in the dance. 

Being low drive LD is sometimes a feint to keep sexual relations to a minimum. Anyone is capable of lying, if the reward is worthy of the risk. 

Some people show you the face that gives them the most advantage and edge in a relationship, personal or business. This faux-face can be a mask to hide their true image and feelings.


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## sidney2718

wmn1 said:


> Yes but there are more mature ways of handling it rather than flaunting another guy in front of her husband's face. This behavior is not on the OP, Sidney


If most people were mature, TAM would go out of business...


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## sidney2718

SunCMars said:


> Without going into detail this quote of yours triggered something that I witnessed at work.....no overheard at work. A prim and proper women was sitting with another [male]co-worker. He was grooming her about how sexy she looked. She whispered, "Thanks, I have not heard that from anyone in a long time. The guy said, "How about when you and your husband make love?". She said: "He isn't interested in that, anymore".


Let this be entered into evidence about how affairs start. There would be no intention for the WS to leave the BS and the intention would be to keep it secret forever. 

If it was discovered and the wife asked "why", she'd be horribly attacked if she told the truth. The answer to "why" is not an excuse. It is simply an answer to "why".


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## Chaparral

Have you checked her phone records especially before she went to work?


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## TRy

Cwbishop82 said:


> UPDATE: OK I thought things were getting better between us over the weekend (though she still doesn't really reciprocate any affection I show to her.) But I hugged her this morning when she was leaving for work, and she was crying. When I asked her what was wrong she just shook her head and rushed out the door. Why the hell would me hugging her goodbye make her cry?! I'm gonna try to talk to her tonight.


 So what happened when you spoke to her last night? I am concerned that the update is so bad, and the $hit that you are dealing with so intense, that you have been unable to post. If that is the case, do what you need to do and I wish you well.


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## wmn1

sidney2718 said:


> If most people were mature, TAM would go out of business...


agreed Sidney. Agreed


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## Blossom Leigh

CW? What happened?


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