# need help



## smalldreams01 (Oct 1, 2009)

Hello
my husband of 16 years tells me I do not preform well enough for him. he stated I do not touch him enough while making love yet when I remind him of what I do he said well that was two weeks ago. He makes me feel like I do not do enough for him in our marriage with the children or sexually. He works hard I have a home based business three children. Am I doing something wrong?? He acts like he wants out of our marriage saying we are drifting apart. He is now looking at porn online and then wanting to wake me up at 3:00am to make love but when I don't wake up he gets upset and mad. I don't know what to do any help?????


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

At least you are talking and he is somewhat saying what he wants/needs, that is a start. Keep talking about your feelings and what you both want sexually. Marriages can wane a bit but you have to get through the tough times. My wife loves for me to tell her exactly what to do during sex (which I don't do well) as she says it is important to her to please me. Keep talking!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

So, he's dissatisfied because he's talked himself into it. He's looking at porn and has decided that all other guys are getting this stuff and he's making himself feel that he's the only one who isn't.

The porn needs to go. His behavior is awful. He's being disrespectful and mean. 

Does he tell you what he wants? 

He really sounds like a jerk. I'm sorry he's making you feel so inadequate. 

How old is he? How old are you?


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## smalldreams01 (Oct 1, 2009)

Hello dobo
Iam 37 and he is 39 no he doesnt tell me what he wants.. I found out about the porn because I installed keyylogger (teenage daughter) thank you for the reply


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

IMO, he's making himself unhappy and he's projecting it on you because he wants something else... maybe someone else. I'd be very careful here because he's scapegoating you.

Does he know you know about the porn? Is he going to any pick-up sites? Craig's list?

Anyway, next time he says something like that, ask him what he wants, to tell you how he wants you to touch him. If he doesn't tell you, ask him if he expects you to just know or does he want to share with you exactly where all of this sudden unhappiness really comes from. Of course you know. But you need to open a dialog. OTOH, I'm not sure how helpful it will be because he's hostile already. 

Guys? This woman needs some help. We need some male input.


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## sjm1983 (Sep 18, 2009)

Its kinda funny that men always joke about not being mind readers and that we don't understand our wives but often we expect the same from them. I know I always want my wife to just "know" when she doesn't I get angry and frustrated. I have had a real hard time with being selfish so its hard for me to just come out and tell her want I would like her to do.

Being afraid of turning her off, or upsetting her, or the idea that I spoke it and she just won't do it anyways. 

There is also that little part of me that holds on to the idea that if she really "wanted" to do it then she would and I wouldn't need to ask. I don't want to feel like I'm begging her and she is just giving in because I asked.

I think it might be helpful if you opened up some of your fantasy's to him, then have him tell you his. I would recommend that you don't just turn around and do it because he would see right through that. Jot it down in your mind and then maybe in a week surprise the heck out of him by doing it. He might feel more open to share with you in the future.

Just remember to not cross your own boundaries, or you might feel resentment about it. 

Just my 2 cents.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

Dobo, you are really being tough on men lately, take it easy! We are not all bad guys! That being said, I think you make a great point about asking him what he wants exactly. Do it during sex, while making love ask him how he wants to be touched, how he wants you to move. I say this in almost all my posts, communication is the key!


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## The Space Cowboy (Sep 30, 2009)

smalldreams01 said:


> Hello
> my husband of 16 years tells me I do not preform well enough for him. he stated I do not touch him enough while making love yet when I remind him of what I do he said well that was two weeks ago. He makes me feel like I do not do enough for him in our marriage with the children or sexually. He works hard I have a home based business three children. Am I doing something wrong?? He acts like he wants out of our marriage saying we are drifting apart. He is now looking at porn online and then wanting to wake me up at 3:00am to make love but when I don't wake up he gets upset and mad. I don't know what to do any help?????


Smalldreams, the problem here is simple. Your husband is a class 'A' ****. What a selfish jerk. It's not the porn that makes him a jerk, it's the "Hey baby, why don't you ride my pony!" at three in the morning and then pulls the old "Our marriage is drifting apart" crap! This dude is trolling for tail and you deserve better than this pile. Tell this jerk to take a hike and get a man who appreciates you. Make no mistake; they exist.


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## Riddler (Oct 1, 2009)

I'm going to offer a slightly dissenting opinion here; not necessarily because I disagree with what is being said, but because there are at least two sides to every story and we have so little information to go on. 

I agree that if he is going to any sites that would suggest he is trying to meet someone there is a very serious issue. However, I disagree that his looking at porn is necessarily part of the problem. In fact, it might simply be a symptom of a larger ailment. It very likely isn't helping matters, but if you are having difficulties with your sex life _and_ you then deny him the ability to gratify himself... that's a recipe for disaster. I say with confidence that the situation will degrade. The only way I'd advocate removing the porn would be if the other problem(s) were simultaneously addressed.

Did your husband's complaints about your sex life just strike like a bolt of lightning out of the blue? Or has this been an ongoing issue? How would you have qualified your sex life before these issues arose? 

I also agree that his looking at porn and then trying to pounce on you at 3 AM shows a profound lack of judgment and consideration; however, that too may be a symptom of a larger problem. Again, how was your sex life prior to these issues?


Now, let me be clear: I'm not saying anyone is to blame. I'm simply saying that we don't have enough information to do more than speculate, so we're all (even/especially myself) operating on some assumptions.

It's possible that your husband is not really displeased with your "performance" but instead displeased with the role that sex has been relegated to in your life. If it has been confined to the bedroom that can begin to chafe. I don't mean that entirely literally, though. What I mean is, don't confine sexual behavior to a single room of the house, or a single time of the day, or a single day of the week. He (and you, I assume!) are sexual beings. The more restrictions we place on our sexual lives the more we begin to chafe. 

By 'sexual behavior' I'm not even necessarily speaking about the overt things that come to mind; intercourse, oral sex, etc. Those are included, certainly but there is a _vast_ spectrum of sexual behavior that can be explored, even in the most public of places. Subtle caresses, smoky looks, tender kisses... these things must not be relegated to sexual encounters only. They should be liberally sprinkled throughout your daily life; their absence may not be _noticed_, but I promise you they will be _missed_. The need to be desired is not quite as obvious as some others, but it is present all the same. 

So, there is my advice. I've attempted to provide it while giving both you and your husband the benefit of the doubt. I'm operating on the assumption that you're both good, caring people that love one another and just have a problem that you're trying to work out. It is possible, perhaps even very likely, that I am way off base. Regardless, I wish you well in this.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

My gut tells me that he's setting her up to be the bad guy when he goes out to get what it is that he's already decided he wants.

In this particular case, his behavior is pretty horrid. Not all guys who look at porn are like this. So my comments aren't about porn use, per se. It is about this guy's characteristics.

Chuck, you're failing to see the big picture an awful lot of the time. Step back.


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## Riddler (Oct 1, 2009)

I'm going to have to say that my advice above is, most likely, unequivocally wrong. Not necessarily in spirit, but in the context of this discussion I think it is completely incorrect.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

We don't know, Riddler. She gives the impression that this is out of the blue and that he's changed... at least enough to get her to seek out advice. But you asked good questions. So hopefully she'll come back and answer them.

My gut can be wrong, too. I was hoping a guy would look at the situation and see danger before I pointed it out. I didn't want to be the bearer of bad tidings.


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## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

I'm going to try to post this without passing any judgement or making any assumptions.

How long has this been going on? When did he start making these comments to you? Is there more that you are not sharing that makes you believe he wants out? Have the two ofyou sat down and actually communicated about this?

I noticed that you mentioned the children as well as sex. Are there complaints about how you are doing that as well?

I am just trying to see the bigger picture. Wondering if this is specifically about the sex or if there is a larger communication issue here.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She said "He makes me feel like I do not do enough for him in our marriage with the children or sexually"

That indicates complaints about how she is raising the children. He's got complaints all around.

He also cheated on her (another thread).

No, this guy wants to make it all her fault to excuse what he's doing.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lets take this apart. 
- Waking you up middle of the night to request sex is abusive. No one likes that. No one. 
- Saying you are not making him happy in bed, without being very specific about what he wants is also a mean thing to do. You are not a mind reader. 

Nothing you said makes me think you are part of the problem. A few questions though. 
- Overall how well do you get along - do you have fun together, share what you are really thinking with each other?
- Do you talk openly about sex? Some people in otherwise strong marriages, just do not discuss sex - taboo topic. That can be dangerous when things are off-track. 
- Has he expressed frustrations in the past about sex either in terms of quantity or quality?

I only ask because I do think that in some marriages, the husband complains but in a way that is not clear and the wife doesn't really hear him. And then he starts doing this stuff, which is scary. Because I agree with Dobo he is positioning to have an affair or worse. 

How good is he about responding to specific questions - I liked the suggestion to have him show you exactly what he wants in bed - hopefully he will take that moment to ask you the same thing. 

I also think it is important to ask him overall how happy he is with your marriage. 

My wife and I sometimes ask each other questions like:
- In a perfect world what do you want - financially - sexually - emotionally - physically - whatever 
- In terms of ... topic ... are you happy, unhappy or neutral with how things actually are right now

This is not a daily/weekly/monthly thing. Maybe once a year or two. Still it is a part of why we really know each other well. 










smalldreams01 said:


> Hello
> my husband of 16 years tells me I do not preform well enough for him. he stated I do not touch him enough while making love yet when I remind him of what I do he said well that was two weeks ago. He makes me feel like I do not do enough for him in our marriage with the children or sexually. He works hard I have a home based business three children. Am I doing something wrong?? He acts like he wants out of our marriage saying we are drifting apart. He is now looking at porn online and then wanting to wake me up at 3:00am to make love but when I don't wake up he gets upset and mad. I don't know what to do any help?????


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Since he already had an affair, he wants to blame her for it. And he probably wants to have another one.

I'm really surprised the OP left that little tidbit out of her post.


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## Riddler (Oct 1, 2009)

Yes, that's why I completely retracted what I'd said. I was trying to give them both the benefit of the doubt, when in fact there is no doubt whatsoever; he cheated, recently, and (from what has been stated) finds no end of fault with his wife. Most likely as a way of justifying, even if only in his head, his behavior.


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