# Geography & Demographics: Women's Perspective



## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

When you were growing up, attending college, and beyond, did you dream of launching a life in a particular region or city, where you could not just realize your professional/artistic potential, but also have the best chance of meeting a future husband worthy of you? If so, where did you aspire to be and why? NYC, London, LA, San Francisco, Milan, Paris?.. Did it work out?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I grew up in a small town, couldn't wait to get away...the nearest big city was 80 miles away and that is where I went directly after graduating high school. Been here ever since. Yes, it worked out, I love where I am and have no plans to leave....although I plan to retire in Hawaii one day.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I have never in my life made a move based on a man, or the potential of a man. I picked the places I've lived based mainly on job offers. I work in a somewhat specialized field, so my priorities have been more focused on opportunities for career advancement and general climate than if there were boys there or not. That said, as it turns out, before I was married and since my divorce, I've never wanted for dating opportunities, so I guess it worked out without my specifically incorporating sex ratios into the decisions.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I moved to a large metro area to get away from my family, put myself through college, and had absolutely no intention of ever marrying. Fell in love at college, been married over twenty years, couldn't have worked out better even if I did not plan it this way.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Grew up in complete BOONIES and wanted to get to nearest city. Went to nearest city for college then back home for a year where I broke it off w/ small town boyfriend and then back to city. Been here for 25 years now. 

I always wanted to live in a city and dreamed of NYC after watching too many episodes of FAME but the reality was I am only a mediocre pianist so I ditched that idea. 

For a family I wanted to live in a neighborhood as I craved other kids to ride bikes with, walk over and do homework with, etc. So I live in one now because I want my daughter to have that. 

Now I could do without the neighborhood but am torn between city and country. I love going to visit my parents and not hear another car or see another light but having to drive 30 minutes to the grocery store? Not so much. Best of both worlds for me would be lots of vacations/long weekends to the mountains but live in the city where I'm close to cultural venues, night life and great dining.

ETA - Life could get very interesting in a few years when kiddo goes to college. I've had a job offer in south FL and it's a standing offer - I can move after she finishes school.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Well, I didn't imagine getting married in the first place so meeting a man didn't factor into my wanderlust. I wouldn't consider a husband being "worthy of me" either. I'd need to feel safe, trust and loved, just as he would. 

I had saved money for airfares when I was 18. On reflection, not sure how I thought I was going to wing that type of trip alone at that age but that seems to be a pattern that's stuck. Instead ...I ended up meeting a guy and we quickly became inseparable. He had the option to go back to his home country shortly after we'd met, but he chose to stay as he didn't want to risk losing what was developing between us. He ended up being my husband.

The money I'd saved for traveling came in useful for down-payment to secure the lease when we moved in together. We ended up traveling together and moved overseas for a time too. He knew of my loose travel plans when we met and was encouraging that we still follow that desire. I'm grateful that I got to experience it with him. I like cities but I don't aspire to a certain place in the way you ask. I guess my "home town" will always feel like home deep down though, as it's tied to my formative years.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Faithful Wife said:


> *I grew up in a small town, couldn't wait to get away*...the nearest big city was 80 miles away and that is where I went directly after graduating high school. Been here ever since. Yes, it worked out, I love where I am and have no plans to leave....although I plan to retire in Hawaii one day.


I am and was the complete and utter opposite of Faithful Wife, no desire in this world to run away from my small town... I LOVE the country, the green grass, the open fields and small town Romance was my allure... Since I met him at 15, I probably don't belong on this thread...but every dream *we *ever had was related to "the simple life" ...creating a family, working together hand in hand to realize our dreams, making memories we'd cherish a lifetime....

I never cared to live the high life or felt better men would be found in bigger cities ....entertainment on every street corner does nothing for me personally... just give me  and put us out in the back woods somewhere, and I couldn't be happier.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

moco82 said:


> When you were growing up, attending college, and beyond, did you dream of launching a life in a particular region or city, where you could not just realize your professional/artistic potential, but also have the best chance of meeting a future husband worthy of you? If so, where did you aspire to be and why? NYC, London, LA, San Francisco, Milan, Paris?.. Did it work out?


No. Or rather, no to the latter part of what you are saying.

Did I have certain places I wanted to live in to realize my "creativity and life" in? Yes, absolutely. But never because I thought they'd be the places with the "best chances" of meeting a future husband.

As a child, growing up, I never even thought I would get married. It's not something that I ever dreamed of (beyond saying "maybe one day I'll get married--it'd be neat to try). I wasn't one of those girls who lived and died for boyfriends/crushes, etc. I will say though that there were times where I was at college (out of state from my hometown) and would say "I just know my husband isn't here, he's not from here." I was very sure of this. And it's true. I met my husband in another state. Then we divorced. Funny. But my assumption was spot on. I just felt in my bones he was not from there.

I am a city girl at heart.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> I have never in my life made a move based on a man, or the potential of a man. I picked the places I've lived based mainly on job offers. I work in a somewhat specialized field, so my priorities have been more focused on opportunities for career advancement and general climate than if there were boys there or not. That said, as it turns out, before I was married and since my divorce, I've never wanted for dating opportunities, so I guess it worked out without my specifically incorporating sex ratios into the decisions.


Me, too. In fact, I would freak myself out if I moved anywhere for the "potential of a mate." It seems ridiculous to me.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Me, too. In fact, I would freak myself out if I moved anywhere for the "potential of a mate." It seems ridiculous to me.


Makes me think of the girls that went to college for the MRS degree. Like a lot of the posters, I never really thought about getting married. I've always thought more about my career and lifestyle than finding a man. I'm all about male companionship, but it's more like the whipped cream on my mocha latte--a nice treat


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> Makes me think of the girls that went to college for the MRS degree. Like a lot of the posters, I never really thought about getting married. I've always thought more about my career and lifestyle than finding a man. I'm all about male companionship, but it's more like the whipped cream on my mocha latte--a nice treat


Omg I feel like an idiot! I first read that as "M-R-S" degree (like the letters) and was like "What is an M-R-S degree?" HAHA. 

I hear ya and I feel the same way.

One of my sorority sisters was the classic candidate for the MRS degree. She was so sweet, a real darling, and would tell me how her parents had already told her before she moved to college how they already had her "wedding fund" started and ready to go. I thought she was kidding when she told me this but then I noticed she wasn't laughing. Lol. She used to knit blankets and had the best little trinkets and scones and everything to eat, would teach me about jarring some jam and other crafty things. She did meet her husband at college and her entire Facebook now is pictures of their son/family, every 5 seconds. She posts things about how she went tot he mall & doesn't understand how some women are in the shopping malls, or why it's so busy because it's a "weekday" and those women "should be working" (the professional women who are probably on their lunch break).

She turned out to be exactly as I thought she would be.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

"I have to get married because my parents made me a wedding fund!"


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Omg I feel like an idiot! I first read that as "M-R-S" degree (like the letters) and was like "What is an M-R-S degree?" HAHA.
> 
> I hear ya and I feel the same way.
> 
> ...


Yeah. I went to a state university in Texas. There were a LOT of those girls around! And good for them. We should all do what makes us happy. I just don't understand that being a path to happiness. SOOO grateful for options!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> As a child, growing up, I never even thought I would get married. It's not something that I ever dreamed of (beyond saying "maybe one day I'll get married--it'd be neat to try).
> *I wasn't one of those girls who lived and died for boyfriends/crushes, etc.*


This was ALL ME...with every BF.... in my head was dancing >>"*Is he THE ONE?*"... I realize how Pathetic this may sound to some....but it all worked out.. that's all that matters, I guess.

That we realize our dreams , whatever they may be....and have as little regret as possible as the years catch up with us...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This was ALL ME...


I know. Lol.



SimplyAmorous said:


> This was ALL ME...with every BF.... in my head was dancing >>"*Is he THE ONE?*"...


I would personally feel freaked out if I thought every guy I dated was "The One." My feeling is, what's the point of The One if you think everyone is The One? It's supposed to "feel" different right? He is. Lol.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> Yeah. I went to a state university in Texas. There were a LOT of those girls around! And good for them. We should all do what makes us happy. I just don't understand that being a path to happiness. SOOO grateful for options!


:iagree:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> *I would personally feel freaked out if I thought every guy I dated was "The One*." *My feeling is, what's the point of The One if you think everyone is the one?* It's supposed to "feel" different right? He is. Lol.


 But I didn't think everyone was "the One"... I was just Open to see how things progress... I believe in taking it very slow in dating...being friends 1st and all that ...if the guy had issues with that, I knew he wasn't my type...

Yes, it most definitely feels DIFFERENT -when it is RIGHT. Oh goodness yes!

But yet...I specifically wanted YOUNG LOVE, I had no desire for careers, traveling or any of these things at all...I wanted to have "my guy" by my side for all of those adventures..so we could experience them hand in hand. It is just another perspective... I don't think there is anything wrong with me....though if our kids talked like this today...we'd tie them up and tell them they are unrealistic...don't fall in love while you are young.... you'll ruin your life...

It just depends...


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This was ALL ME...with every BF.... in my head was dancing >>"*Is he THE ONE?*"... I realize how Pathetic this may sound to some....but it all worked out.. that's all that matters, I guess.
> 
> That we realize our dreams , whatever they may be....and have as little regret as possible as the years catch up with us...


I'm sure that it sounds just as pathetic to you to hear about how highly some of us value our careers and independence. We're all just wired differently. I am just eternally grateful that I live in a time where I have more than just a few cookie cutter options to choose my life from. I'm equally grateful that the traditional options are still there for the people that want that as well. I know I'd be miserable as a mother, nurse or teacher. I wouldn't wish that kind of dissatisfaction on someone who wanted those things as strongly as I personally do not.

We only have one shot at life--I wouldn't want any of us to waste the opportunities we have being stuck in a role we're not suited for just because of the biological bits we were born with!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Preach, CO!

I will say though, I think it would be fun to be a kindergarten teacher. It has nothing to do with my field/background and I don't have children but I loove loove love kids when they are that small. They are so funny! And while I give a good lecture to adults/classes, it'd be funny to teach the tiny ones. 

Hm...maybe if I ever swap careers. Lol.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

A lifetime ago I worked with at-risk kids. I hated the groups with little ones. They're so LOUD and they want to touch you ALL the time. I liked teenagers better. I thought for a long time that I'd be good at therapeutic foster care, as long as it wasn't a little kid I got.

Now that I'm all old and crotchety, I'm not sure I'd be great at even that!

I'll stick with helping people smarter and more creative than me change the world instead, lol.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> A lifetime ago I worked with at-risk kids. I hated the groups with little ones. *They're so LOUD and they want to touch you ALL the time.*


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Funny! 

Idk what it is but little people (children) are really drawn to me. They will just randomly start talking to me if I am out somewhere and want to be my friend. I always engage them but they are like little comedians and drunk people -- stumbling, not really able to say what they mean, live in a fantasy world and are honest to a fault.

Teenagers too dramatic for me. Especially the middle-school aged/junior high ones. I have seen my nieces and nephews go through that and told them they should all be the the Presidents/Head Committee members of their Drama Clubs. Because...duh.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Idk what it is but little people (children) are really drawn to me.


Kind of like cats are to the people that are allergic to them, huh?

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

moco82 said:


> When you were growing up, attending college, and beyond, did you dream of launching a life in a particular region or city, where you could not just realize your professional/artistic potential, but also have the best chance of meeting a future husband worthy of you? If so, where did you aspire to be and why? NYC, London, LA, San Francisco, Milan, Paris?.. Did it work out?


I have a favorite city to live, and it's not where I live now. My husband and I have lived there for a spell and I would love to move back there even though it's much colder than where we are now. I had a job opportunity a few years ago to move there. I turned it down. Every now and then I have regrets about it, but it's a large enough city that I think in time, when we're ready to go, I can find another job there. 

Finding a husband wasn't important to me. I grew up with women who had careers. I dreamed of going to college, grad school. I figured I'd meet someone who would be my husband. I'm not someone who turns heads, but I had enough male interest in me from the time I was a teenager to know there would be someone who would want to marry me!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> Kind of like cats are to the people that are allergic to them, huh?
> 
> :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Lol. Except fore I actually do like children. So it's all good. 

CoffeeAmore--I hope you get to back to your city one day... even if it's just for some visits. It is really awesome to find a place you LOVE to live at.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am and was the complete and utter opposite of Faithful Wife, no desire in this world to run away from my small town... I LOVE the country, the green grass, the open fields and small town Romance was my allure... Since I met him at 15, I probably don't belong on this thread...but every dream *we *ever had was related to "the simple life" ...creating a family, working together hand in hand to realize our dreams, making memories we'd cherish a lifetime....
> 
> I never cared to live the high life or felt better men would be found in bigger cities ....entertainment on every street corner does nothing for me personally... just give me  and put us out in the back woods somewhere, and I couldn't be happier.


Lots of advantages to the simple, country life. Country folk are nicer to each other than city folk. So many people in the city don't even know their next door neighbors.

Just a lot more "connections" between country folks. They are more humble on the whole. Not as competitive. When you see them, you stop and chat. Because everybody knows everybody, there is a lot of social pressure to not steal... to be nice. etc. 

IMO, the quality of life is better in the country.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

hambone said:


> Lots of advantages to the simple, country life. Country folk are nicer to each other than city folk. So many people in the city don't even know their next door neighbors.
> 
> Just a lot more "connections" between country folks. They are more humble on the whole. Not as competitive. When you see them, you stop and chat. Because everybody knows everybody, there is a lot of social pressure to not steal... to be nice. etc.
> 
> IMO, the quality of life is better in the country.


Hambone, you are going to get WHIPPED for these comments on here...

To be honest, we don't even know most of our neighbors, only the ones immediately around us... a lot of country people are Introverts and this is WHY we like the country..to get away from the hustle & bustle of busyness & too many people... this is what I would say about us.. more so... 
I HATE the city, I've had bad dreams where my house would be in the middle of the town... then I'd wake up and think " am so happy that was just a dream!"... 

But I am very very thankful that others LIKE it...cause if not, we would have never been able to get our house...our hilly, bendy wicked driveway -people didn't want anything to do with -in the winter...for us, that was a small price- to get a house away from it all... even if we had to park at the top and sled ride down the hill. Thank God for 4x4's!


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Hambone, you are going to get WHIPPED for these comments on here...
> 
> To be honest, we don't even know most of our neighbors, only the ones immediately around us... a lot of country people are Introverts and this is WHY we like the country..to get away from the hustle & bustle of busyness & too many people... this is what I would say about us.. more so...
> I HATE the city, I've had bad dreams where my house would be in the middle of the town... then I'd wake up and think " am so happy that was just a dream!"...
> ...


Maybe the country has changed... When I was a kid, I spent summers with my grand parents. They lived in rural Arkansas. Spent days riding around with my grandfather in his pickup. We stopped and talked to just about everybody. And if we didn't stop... we waved to them as we passed.

And, when we went to church, it was like one big family get together. We spent more time visiting after church than we spent actually in church. 

Those days that I spent with my grandmother... We ALWAYS went to visit someone.

Maybe they were just showing me off and that wasn't their normal routine.

My grandfather was a successful rancher. My grandmother was a elementary/middle school principle.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Omg I feel like an idiot! I first read that as "M-R-S" degree (like the letters) and was like "What is an M-R-S degree?" HAHA.


Ha! I also read this as "M-R-S" degree... and didn't know what it was. Classic. I didn't realize this was a thing - the "MRS" degree that's being referred to.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I could be drawn to the country. Sometimes I day-dream of that. But then I'm not sure if it just means I need a vacation, because we go to the country to relax. My friend runs accommodation in the country and I've helped him out from time to time. His days with the business are long and busy, and he doesn't get much time (or have interest really) in meeting the locals. He comes to the city every few months to relax haha.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

hambone said:


> Maybe the country has changed... When I was a kid, I spent summers with my grand parents. They lived in rural Arkansas. Spent days riding around with my grandfather in his pickup. We stopped and talked to just about everybody. And if we didn't stop... we waved to them as we passed.
> And, when we went to church, it was like one big family get together. We spent more time visiting after church than we spent actually in church.
> Those days that I spent with my grandmother... We ALWAYS went to visit someone.
> Maybe they were just showing me off and that wasn't their normal routine.
> My grandfather was a successful rancher. My grandmother was a elementary/middle school principle.


Sounds lovely Hambone .. it seems most people aren't outside as much anymore...but then again, I can't see my neighbors at all -so what would I know..... 

I met more neighbors in my area over a community fight to keep a very large "Halfway house" out of our little town...I made an anonymous website to help keep the community informed...When I heard about this, I was LIVED....Call me judgemental ..I did not want that THING anywhere near where my children walk the streets of our small town... these people would have been child molesters from all over the state - big city crime areas flooding our little town... 
I have never had a  under my a$$ to fight a cause greater than this... .. When I get MAD, I have to do something constructive or I might explode.. 

But anyway...back to neighbors...I met many under those circumstances ...very concerned, angry....but yet decent people fighting a cause... so now every year we throw a community picnic still thankful we won that fight ....bringing our casseroles & baked goods to share at the local Rod & Gun Club, was there just weeks ago.. had it not been for this, I'd know a lot less in my little township area. 

But yeah, knowing thy neighbors is an enjoyable thing...when they are good people anyway.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Sounds lovely Hambone .. it seems most people aren't outside as much anymore...but then again, I can't see my neighbors at all -so what would I know.....
> 
> I met more neighbors in my area over a community fight to keep a very large "Halfway house" out of our little town...I made an anonymous website to help keep the community informed...When I heard about this, I was LIVED....Call me judgemental ..I did not want that THING anywhere near where my children walk the streets of our small town... these people would have been child molesters from all over the state - big city crime areas flooding our little town...
> I have never had a  under my a$$ to fight a cause greater than this... .. When I get MAD, I have to do something constructive or I might explode..
> ...



My grand parents lived in the middle of no place. They had one neighbor about a mile away and after that... it was maybe 5 miles to the next nearest house.


One difference between you and them is that they didn't move there... they had lived in the same place for 50 years.

The nearest town had a population of 68. Nearest town of any size was probably 20 miles away. 

When you are that far from civilization... you have depend on your neighbors more.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> I have a favorite city to live, and it's not where I live now. My husband and I have lived there for a spell and I would love to move back there even though it's much colder than where we are now.


Can you share which city this is?


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

So it seem like there is the ever-present split between people who like urban/suburban/country settings, but there is no preferences for regions?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

moco82 said:


> Can you share which city this is?


It is located in the west coast of the United States.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> It is located in the west coast of the United States.


Wow, that narrows it  SEA?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I talk incessantly about this place, so my real life friends will be able to identify me if I say anything more. We've lived there and been there twelve times. Some day I will be there again.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

moco82 said:


> So it seem like there is the ever-present split between people who like urban/suburban/country settings, *but there is no preferences for regions?*


 I wouldn't care where I lived so long as it was country... we live in an area that Amish Dutch reside... We've had them do our roof... the Mennonites built the shed we bought... we've bought furniture off of them, see them in the stores, their buggies on the roads..... not that I'd want to be one or anything (NOT AT ALL!)... 

Yet, it's kinda neat driving past their farms, you see all their clothes hung out on the lines... and all... Growing up, our neighbors who owned a horse farm - one lived with them for years as he left the Amish...he was a very quiet man.. not sure what happened to him...but that's how he got his start in the outside world...


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## justdance4me (Jul 12, 2013)

moco82 said:


> When you were growing up, attending college, and beyond, did you dream of launching a life in a particular region or city, where you could not just realize your professional/artistic potential, but also have the best chance of meeting a future husband worthy of you? If so, where did you aspire to be and why? NYC, London, LA, San Francisco, Milan, Paris?.. Did it work out?


I grew up in Montreal, Canada and moved to Toronto for my undergrad. During my final year of undergrad my 4th year adviser asked me about grad school in NYC. I spoke to my parents about it and the deal was if I graduated the top of my class, they would pay for my education in the USA. I moved to NYC in 2003 and have been here ever since. My dream since I was little was to be a dancer and that is what I was. I now just focus on teaching, I retired from performing this past june. 

I thought I would have ended up with an artist like me, but i'm with a lawyer. I knew 100% certain I would have wanted to marry a French Canadian or Italian man, I got the Italian one. I became a naturalized citizen of the USA in 2011, however I will always be Canadian and would prefer to move back some day.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

COGypsy said:


> ...Like a lot of the posters, I never really thought about getting married. I've always thought more about my career and lifestyle than finding a man.


Well this is certainly a popular choice. And if it's working, and they're happy, I guess it's a good choice. But geographically, this is probably the norm in cities like Washington, DC. I've always suspected that women like this had mothers who conveyed their frustration at having had only a "few cookie cutter options" in their generation and felt motivated to redeem this by eschewing the traditional feminine role. (Positively boasting about not cooking, etc.) Comments?

I'd doubt if many women who came from a family where their mothers were living the kind of marriage SimplyAmorous describes made those choices. But unfortunately too few marriages are that good.

Seeing the dysfunctional direction of the parallel men's thread of this topic, I'm not going to post there. I felt DC was at least as horrible as described there, but not for the snide superficial reasons. It's that bad, because of so many people (both men and women!) putting career so very far ahead of other life values, particularly family. (Seems like the people who most strongly disagree with this have never lived anywhere else, or at least never anywhere very different....)


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Grew up on Air force bases, then between a City and the Country.
Wanted to stay in the city (London) then maybe move around to other Cities or Suburbs. Marriage never really crossed my mind.
Yep it worked out I got to where I wanted to be sooner than expected career wise.


Oh I almost forgot I did want to move to Russia when I was 15 because there seems to be a lot of attractive Russian men.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

bestyet2be said:


> I'd doubt if many women who came from a family where their *mothers* were living the kind of marriage SimplyAmorous describes made those choices. But unfortunately too few marriages are that good.


Speaking of Mothers here... mine was nothing like the Traditional role I am living.....She wanted that career but instead married young at 18 - pretty much doing what others wanted her to do...(MY dad wanting to get married...Her mother pressuring her cause they were having sex)....not following her own dreams & passions...that didn't fare well being "tied down", she was not happy...but restless....she spoke about how NAIVE she was......which toppled the marriage, I remember the fights, talk about incompatibility [email protected]#$% 

Then after the divorce she made many bad choices with men....... At least I was born I guess.. but she is the poster child for screwing one's life up.

What did I learn from her...don't listen to others around you...be careful with the influence... seek your own  ...know it well...and go for what you truly desire in life....otherwise you might take a horrendous detour and never realize your original dreams... 

Even though my wants and desires were in complete contrast to hers...What didn't work for her...worker for ME....

She would always tell me I am just like my Father....and his Mother...this was very true. 

I fully expect our daughter will go off to college someday/ may choose a rewarding career...I don't know....(right now she hates school)...I will support her in whatever her deepest dreams may be- so long as she shows responsibility in pursuing them.....as I want her happiness overall.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

bestyet2be said:


> Well this is certainly a popular choice. And if it's working, and they're happy, I guess it's a good choice. But geographically, this is probably the norm in cities like Washington, DC. * I've always suspected that women like this had mothers who conveyed their frustration at having had only a "few cookie cutter options" in their generation and felt motivated to redeem this by eschewing the traditional feminine role.* (Positively boasting about not cooking, etc.) Comments?


I personally don't think so, not every one is cut out to be or want's to be a surgeon/teacher/builder/fashion designer ect, I think the same goes for traditional marriage/ family life.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Even though my wants and desires were in complete contrast to hers...What didn't work for her...worked for ME....


In a way, this supports my theory. Whereas many young women seem determined to fulfill the thwarted and failed dreams of their mothers and grandmothers to have a high powered career, you could be seen as fulfilling your mother's failed marriage. But I probably waste too much effort looking patterns in things that are really quite random.

I suppose "the grass is always greener on the other side" factor makes some people who married young glamorize dating. I on the other hand, think about the disappointments, blows to the ego, being stood up, learning to doubt one's self. I sometimes regard those such as yourself, who married young as the "Paris Hiltons" of marriage. Just as an heiress never knows worry of lack of money or work, those married young never know the lack of companionship, feelings of undesirability, suggestions of being gay.

I was always amazed how early many people found their mates. As a young adult looking for ideas about where and how to meet quality women, I'd sometimes ask apparently happily married men, "So where did you meet your wife?" Quite often the answer was something like, "In seventh grade."

It was lucky that my wife had some self-image problems, too, or someone would probably have snapped her up before I did when she was 26 and I 32. So many single people past seventh grade, certainly past school age, are great people in all kinds of ways, maybe have great careers, but have year by year demonstrated themselves as not ready, willing, and able to enter into a healthy relationship and marriage. But there I go again looking to find patterns in what may be more random.

Even though the referenced link in the men's section that induced an annoying argument, and it was obviously terribly flawed, it was affirming to read that anyone thought dating in DC was anything but favorable to men! (Of course there's a lot wrong with DC, hated living there.) I always thought the "problem" of the young women being fixated on their careers dwarfed the slight numerical advantage that men supposedly enjoyed, but I thought I was the only one observing this. Then too, being a young adult male born at the very end of the baby boom / very beginning of Gen-X meant that there were lots of men my age and older competing for relatively few women my age and younger, which should be obvious, but this basic demographic fact has always apparently been incomprehensible to most people.

Oh well, I'm just rambling about ancient history now. It's going to be a cold night. Soon time to join my already sleeping wife. I'll include a gentle kiss or two, without waking her.









Excellent Statement:



SimplyAmorous said:


> I fully expect our daughter will go off to college someday/ may choose a rewarding career...I don't know....(right now she hates school)...I will support her in whatever her deepest dreams may be- so long as she shows responsibility in pursuing them.....as I want her happiness overall.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

bestyet2be said:


> In a way, this supports my theory. Whereas many young women seem determined to fulfill the thwarted and failed dreams of their mothers and grandmothers to have a high powered career, you could be seen as fulfilling your mother's failed marriage. But I probably waste too much effort looking patterns in things that are really quite random.


 I see what you are saying... *for me*, I feel it was more of what I felt *I missed in life*..but was seeing all around me.... I was Envious of my friends who had large families and that close knit Bond going on, without any sisters or brothers myself.... knowing I'd never have biological nieces/ nephews plus my mother ran off and left me around age 10...I felt kinda ALONE...

Something deep inside me wanted to create the life I had dancing in my head....what those other families had.. shared.. enjoyed.... I wanted THAT FAMILY, I wanted THAT experience... it was very strong in me. When we 1st got married, I even bought a Bunk bed (how silly is that) because I looked so forward to seeing children fill it. 

I am also a realist... I know that as a woman ages, the chances of her having a down syndrome baby or health risks GO UP.. .I wanted NO Part of this.. so being young, getting married, enjoying our children hand in hand - as they grow, and we grow together.. was my dream... I was very lucky to find a man who wanted the same things at such a young age...we were amazingly compatible from the get go .... not the common story.... We were never the adventure seeking type...but very responsible, had our feet on the ground, our dreams more simple....reachable. 



> I suppose "the grass is always greener on the other side" factor makes some people who married young glamorize dating.


 I never did this, I never felt I missed out being swooped up at age 15... I did break up with him a short time and dated another... thinking of my Grandmother 's words ... "you should play the field, don't marry the 1st guy"......I don't regret that experience, it gave me the CLARITY I needed....I missed my BEST FRIEND... HE was my forever.. ..we moved in together and planned our big wedding...never looked back. 



> I on the other hand, think about the disappointments, blows to the ego, being stood up, learning to doubt one's self. I sometimes regard those such as yourself, who married young as the "Paris Hiltons" of marriage. Just as an heiress never knows worry of lack of money or work, those married young never know the lack of companionship, feelings of undesirability, suggestions of being gay.


This is true, we didn't have these experiences.. I also feel us finding each other young like we did...we helped each other, our confidences grew...

We have 2 teens sons... one is just 16 ...just gave his GF a ring with both their birthstones & name engravings for their 2nd anniversary (their relationship started at 14!!)...they are in Band, Cross country , Track & go to youth group together sometimes... Will they last.. I don't know.. some may say this is unhealthy.. but how can I do that..with our story... 

Then the next son got dumped by his wish washy cheerleader GF..he is terribly Jaded by women now...thinks they all SUCK...I have seen his struggle ..he is shy & introverted, this is not at all helping him. I know he wants nothing more than to find a nice girl and ride off into the sunset, though now he has an attitude instead..... it doesn't help seeing his brothers fantastic relationship flowing with ease right before him.... It just seems the girls always go for the Jerks in high school... passing up the nice boys (like this son)... it is what it is. He will make a wonderful husband and father someday, I think he is most like my husband... but it will take a special girl to recognize what she has.... 
But what you say.... Bestyet2be...it is TOUGH wading through all these emotions, questioning yourself, getting your hopes up, unrequited love.. it's a 



> I was always amazed how early many people found their mates. As a young adult looking for ideas about where and how to meet quality women, I'd sometimes ask apparently happily married men, "So where did you meet your wife?" Quite often the answer was something like, "In seventh grade."


 The true Romantic types will be open to Love at younger ages... But we should all be careful and realistic to not ignore waving red flags ...finding the right person is far more important than settling... those who do - will surely regret... 



> It was lucky that my wife had some self-image problems, too, or someone would probably have snapped her up before I did when she was 26 and I 32. So many single people past seventh grade, certainly past school age, are great people in all kinds of ways, maybe have great careers, but have year by year demonstrated themselves as not ready, willing, and able to enter into a healthy relationship and marriage. But there I go again looking to find patterns in what may be more random.


 Wonderful you found each other!!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

moco82 said:


> When you were growing up, attending college, and beyond, did you dream of launching a life in a particular region or city, where you could not just realize your professional/artistic potential, but also have the best chance of meeting a future husband worthy of you? If so, where did you aspire to be and why? NYC, London, LA, San Francisco, Milan, Paris?.. Did it work out?


I lived in a smaller town and spent a lot of time in the country doing as the country folk do.I enjoy a bit of both places...city and country.
The dream was always to live in Manhattan with a summer place in the country somewhere.Then I grew up and realized that lifestyle is beyond my wallet LOL

Moving somewhere to find a better mate has never been in my head. I moved bc I wanted to move or bc I could no longer afford the area I had chosen originally.

The home we recently purchased is just outside the city so I get to experience both lifestyles.I couldn't live happily without equal exposure to the city and the country.

moving somewhere to find a husband seems silly to me.But I guess if you live in a town of population 100,you'd kind of have to broaden your scope.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

TiggyBlue said:


> I personally don't think so, not every one is cut out to be or want's to be a surgeon/teacher/builder/fashion designer ect, I think the same goes for traditional marriage/ family life.


Exactly! I wasn't ever a kid that played house or had dolls. I played "court" and "school" and had chemistry sets. One year my dad dug out a garden for me because I was going to be a botanist. Once my black thumb became evident, the garden became my archeology dig. (P.S. mothers get extraordinarily upset when you bury fried chicken in the back yard so that you can dig up the bones later!) My sister was much more into pink ruffles and baby dolls. When I had to take a turn playing "house" with her, my babies went to boarding school and I went to work.

It's just really no surprise to anyone that I have the life I've made for myself.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

COGypsy said:


> Exactly! I wasn't ever a kid that played house or had dolls. I played "court" and "school" and had chemistry sets. One year my dad dug out a garden for me because I was going to be a botanist. Once my black thumb became evident, the garden became my archeology dig. (P.S. mothers get extraordinarily upset when you bury fried chicken in the back yard so that you can dig up the bones later!) My sister was much more into pink ruffles and baby dolls. When I had to take a turn playing "house" with her, my babies went to boarding school and I went to work.
> 
> It's just really no surprise to anyone that I have the life I've made for myself.


:rofl::rofl: "my babies went to boarding school and I went to work"

Laughing so hard bc it sounds just like me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> My sister was much more into pink ruffles and baby dolls.


Hehe. I was your sister. My sis was always the big tomboy and I was always playing with my dolls and barbies and playing dress up with fun shoes. SUCH a girly-girl.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Hehe. I was your sister. My sis was always the big tomboy and I was always playing with my dolls and barbies and playing dress up with fun shoes. SUCH a girly-girl.


I'm seriously surprised my sister and I survived our young childhood and have needed only minimal therapy as adults. I'm guessing you have no idea the things you can squish My Pretty Pony and Barbie dolls into given an afternoon of bright sunshine and a good-sized magnifying glass?

Okay, correction. I'm surprised that *I* survived to adulthood and that *my sister* has only needed minimal therapy for the FOO issues I've probably inflicted upon her :rofl:


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It just seems the girls always go for the Jerks in high school... passing up the nice boys


Not just in high school.

But to be fair, males have been known to be foolish, too.









Here's the way I look at big problem situations that are going badly...and not just in dealing with teenage girls. All situations that involve other people and having limited control: teachers, bosses, customers, etc.

Always decide that the problem is 50% your own fault and 50% the situation you've been put in with the other people.

You might be tempted to blame the other people for most or all of the problem: teenage girls are all rotten; my employers are all terrible; I've had the worst run of luck in the world. Some people may tell you this. But only blame others 50% because you can fight to make the future better.

But don't blame yourself for 100% either, even if people are telling you that. You may well have had a bad run of luck that is substantially beyond your control, but more importantly, beating yourself up beyond a certain point is very counterproductive.

Maybe some day, looking back you'll think the true situation was 90-10, or 10-90, but in the present, always treat the hard problems as though it's 50% bad stuff dumped on you and 50% your own fault.

I wonder if I'd had a few positive dating experiences early on if it would have made a lot of things in my life smoother. You may have thought it would have been better if the troubles with your mother hadn't happened. Then again, we might as well embrace these things, not only because they can't be changed, but because learning to survive our difficulties made us the better, stronger people we are today.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

bestyet2be said:


> I wonder if I'd had a few positive dating experiences early on if it would have made a lot of things in my life smoother. You may have thought it would have been better if the troubles with your mother hadn't happened. *Then again, we might as well embrace these things, not only because they can't be changed, but because learning to survive our difficulties made us the better, stronger people we are today.*


 I so agree with you...I have embraced... looking back, I am VERY THANKFUL for the lessons I learned in my teen years, even if I hated living it at the time.... I said this on our story thread....



> *SimplyAmorous said*: "Looking back, I can see HOW these *harsher experiences* helped groom me, prepare me, awaken me to not be naive like my Mother, to take LIFE a little more serious over the average teen....also *to be receptive* to GOODNESS when it walks into my life..."





> *bestyet2be said*: But to be fair, males have been known to be foolish, too.


 Can I say...tremendously...when all they see is Hot Looks and somehow become blinded to all the waving 's....it's not going to fair well for them. 



> You might be tempted to blame the other people for most or all of the problem: teenage girls are all rotten; my employers are all terrible; I've had the worst run of luck in the world. Some people may tell you this. But only blame others 50% because you can fight to make the future better.


 I always say...if someone can't show some humility or speak a little DIRT on themselves...yet is miserable & blaming the rest of the world for their ills... you pretty much know they they refuse to look at their own hand in situations...but enjoy playing ..."blame shifter"... 



> But don't blame yourself for 100% either, even if people are telling you that. You may well have had a bad run of luck that is substantially beyond your control, but more importantly, beating yourself up beyond a certain point is very counterproductive.


 We all need some healthy "*Self Compassion"* to manage in this life ... 
Definition of self-compassion

 bestyet2be


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