# Did my wife cheat?



## Alan1975 (Mar 25, 2015)

My wife went to a class reunion. The 40th reunion. She is a natural beauty queen, even at 58 years old she looks like 35 and a perfect body. I am doctor and I have to work so I did not go with. She comes home and tells me she met her old friend (Gary), they never dated but she remember having feelings for him. So the reunion went well and then they started drinking. She needed a ride home. Gary ends up giving her ride home. They held hands and she kissed him on the cheek. So that is what she told me. So my radar goes up and I am usually not the jealous type, but I knew something was up. How much really happened? Is she honest or minimizing the truth? So I am good at computers, and she is not. I was able to get into her face book. She has been face booking him privately and made up a story, that she was available so she could hook up with him is what It looked like. She told him her marriage was bad for the last 10 years and we were just roommates. She told him we were legally separated. Later she told him she was considering selling her part of my practice for 1.5 million and moving. Later she told him she was going to be in Baltimore (where he lives) on a sunday afternoon. She was going there for my daughter's friends wedding. So now I start really monitoring her compeer. Turns out Gary declined and did not meet with her and told her he was in a committed relationship and was confused. During this time she was discussing her relationship with Gary with another old classmate by the name of Roger. She gave him the same history regarding our marriage as with Gary. Roger seemed to be giving her advice, but I think my wife wanted to get information from Roger regarding Gary’s feelings for her. This all went on from October through November, but nothing since. So looked like everything was quiet then one day my wife says look our old neighbor Karl was arrested for DUI. So I told her he was divorced form Debbie, and she did not know that. Next couple days she is searching him on Face book, and makes contact. They go back and forth, and once again she tells him how bad her marriage has been and we are just room mates. She tells him that she is going to move out, and wants to by a house in his neighborhood and needs his advice on property. So they make a lunch date on March 4th at Montagues at 1 pm. At 12 noon I call her on her cell phone and she does not answer. I called 3 times and texted 3 times. So called the house and she answered the phone said she was in the bathroom and did not hear the phone. At 1:32 March 4th there is face book message to Karl asking him if he is still in town, told him she was at the dentist and got out later then planned. He neve answered her and no face book contact since that time.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry that you are here.

If your wife hasn't cheated yet, it sure looks like she is trying to.

With what you know now....what do you want to do?

You have enough information (did you save a copy of the FB messages) to shut it all down now and find out what can be done to save the marriage if that is what you want.

It may be wise to see a lawyer and look at protecting yourself, just in case.

Good luck.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

The answer to your question, from the background you gave about how your wife dished you "Do Bears S**t in the woods?"

You know she did Emotionally.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since Karl is not replying to her, I don't think they cheated. She is being very forward and it seems with guys are not taking her up on her attempts to get involved with them.

You need to confront her let her know what you know. Make a plan, don't just go off the handle.

What is your marriage like? Do the two of you do things together? Do you fight a lot? Or are you two just sort of living like roommates for a while now?

How are you getting into her FB account? Did she give you the password? Or are you monitoring her computer use?

Have you checked the cell phone bills to see if she is calling and/or texting someone a lot?

Even though I don't think she has had an affair, I think she is looking for something. She is not happy in the marriage. My suggestion is that you get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a quick read. Once you read it you will know what to do.

What do you want to do? Do you want to save your marriage? or do you want a divorce? Or do you know?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Doesn't matter if she did or didn't, she is sure trying to cheat.

And she has emotionally.

So save your evidence. Be sure and expose her actions.

Send the information to the families where she kissed the guy(at least).

When you have saved your information at your office, when are you going to confront her?

Have you thought about a PI? And ask her if the marriage is so bad, why didn't she tell you? Do you want to stay and keep on eye on her at all times?

Why does she not respect you? I would think that was her last reunion.

Sorry for your troubles, but if you want, will she go to marriage counseling, if you want to fix this?

You may think she is pretty outside, but she is ugly inside.

Kick her off her high horse, and see your attorney so you can protect yourself.

Ask her to get tested for stds. 

Start the 180 and do some things for yourself.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Why have you not confronted her about any of these conversations?

If she is painting her M in this light to these men, but acting like she is happy in the M to you, she is definitely shopping for attention and a possible A even if she has not had one yet.

IF you have managed to catch all of her communications, it sounds as if you may have caught her before she has actually had a PA....though you cannot be sure it did not happen at the reunion or whether she eventually met your POS ex-neighbor.

But it also sounds as if the only reason you are not facing an active PA is because of Gary....NOT your WW.

Why are you sitting by watching it happen?

Confront her and tell her either to come completely clean on what has actually been going on and end these interactions with these guys completely.....or to leave and prepare to be divorced ASAP.

Confront and put a stop to this crap...one way or the other.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

Yes.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You should talk to a lawyer to see about protecting your assets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> You should talk to a lawyer to see about protecting your assets.


:iagree: And you should do this before you confront her. You have read what her plans are. They might be just hot air. But the plans might not be hot air.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

"So, wife, how many other men are you going to hit on trying to get one of them to have sex with you?"

"Oh, and btw, I have records of all your attempts to cheat on me, and I'll have my lawyer see what he can do with that to keep you from getting anything in the divorce."


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Who cares if she physically cheated? She is a pathetic loser for posting what she already has. You cool with it or does another man have to out his Oscar in your wife to piss you off enough to do something?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Just because they stopped exchanging facebook messages doesn't mean they stopped communicating. Check her phone bills. Check apps on the phone. Email.

Frankly, whether she cheated or not, intent was there. Utter disrespect she showed you and your marriage.

Not that it's an excuse, is there any truth to what she is saying in regards to your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alan1975 (Mar 25, 2015)

Thanks for your answer tonight. I have had this rolling around in my head. She tells me she loves me. But I know the passion is not in the kiss. This what I wanted to know; should I confront her and stop her or get legal advice? I have decided to get legal advice, and proceed with divorce. I have never cheated on her. I love my life, my family my career and thought all was perfect. I am a professional and knew what this meant. I guess I could save my marriage, but I have to many assets to lose, so I need to cover my assets first. As far as love goes here how I feel, I want someone to want me as much as I want them. Yes I have copies of everything on her facebook. I have her car bugged, so I know everywhere she goes. I have her i phone in I cloud and have find my iphone hooked up so I know everywhere she is. So she is not doing anything. but the realty is she quit and stayed. 
She told me woman dont leave until they have some place to go, looks she is looking for someplace to go. You know older men want younger woman, so at 58 the picking are better for me than her. I am still good looking and I dont need to hang onto this disrespecting peice of ****. I will put her in her place, but will it come to her such as such big surprise. I am going to let my attorney do the entire thing. He is good friend of mine. We exchange favors.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Alan1975 said:


> Thanks for your answer tonight. I have had this rolling around in my head. She tells me she loves me. But I know the passion is not in the kiss. This what I wanted to know; should I confront her and stop her or get legal advice? I have decided to get legal advice, and proceed with divorce. I have never cheated on her. I love my life, my family my career and thought all was perfect. I am a professional and knew what this meant. I guess I could save my marriage, but I have to many assets to lose, so I need to cover my assets first. As far as love goes here how I feel, I want someone to want me as much as I want them. Yes I have copies of everything on her facebook. I have her car bugged, so I know everywhere she goes. I have her i phone in I cloud and have find my iphone hooked up so I know everywhere she is. So she is not doing anything. but the realty is she quit and stayed.
> She told me woman dont leave until they have some place to go, looks she is looking for someplace to go. You know older men want younger woman, so at 58 the picking are better for me than her. I am still good looking and I dont need to hang onto this disrespecting peice of ****. I will put her in her place, but will it come to her such as such big surprise. I am going to let my attorney do the entire thing. He is good friend of mine. We exchange favors.


You knew what she was doing months ago. Why didn't you confront her then?

There is a very good chance that you could fix your marriage if you want to. Do you want to?

Or do you just want a divorce? This is what it sounds like.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read Married Man Sex Life Primer? I suggest you read it before you do ANYTHING. What you're missing is being the alpha man who makes her wet her pants. That's what she's searching for.


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## Alan1975 (Mar 25, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> You knew what she was doing months ago. Why didn't you confront her then?
> 
> There is a very good chance that you could fix your marriage if you want to. Do you want to?
> 
> Or do you just want a divorce? This is what it sounds like.


Why have not done anything, I did not find the face book until March. I didn't know face book was so easy to get into. I am very busy and I really don't have time for this crap in my life. Also if you know me I am very confident in myself. I have always felt that if she does want me then fine leave get the **** out. I do not need anybody. I am fine alone. Good bad or indifferent I have always had girls hanging all over me. So maybe its my fault for taking her for granted. We have been married 28 years. At my age I have learned the first instinct to run and scream bloody murder is the wrong thing to do. So I want to think this through. Mostly, what do I want? I don't know what I want. 
So I will take my time, but I know how I am I will likely just divorce her because I know she does not love me. The interesting thing is how jealous she is when other woman talk to me. I think she is depressed, and weak minded with very low self esteem. I will read the Married Man Sex Life Primer.


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## Alan1975 (Mar 25, 2015)

turnera said:


> Have you read Married Man Sex Life Primer? I suggest you read it before you do ANYTHING. What you're missing is being the alpha man who makes her wet her pants. That's what she's searching for.


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## Alan1975 (Mar 25, 2015)

where can I get this book?


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## Alan1975 (Mar 25, 2015)

where can I get this book?


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

turnera said:


> Have you read Married Man Sex Life Primer? I suggest you read it before you do ANYTHING. *What you're missing is being the alpha man who makes her wet her pants.* That's what she's searching for.



Seriously? I'm sorry but this is simply laughable.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

Alen1975, you are doing everything right. My advice is to ignore this omnipresent on this forum _"alpha, alpha, more alpha"_ childlish obsession.

Good luck!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

adriana said:


> Seriously? I'm sorry but this is simply laughable.


Maybe it's true.

I can't say it for certain in this situation but many men need to "man" up in relation to their women.

I've actually seen you give similar advice. Maybe it is just the term "alpha". LOL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

OP doesn't appear to be needy or emotionally connected to his WW's hip so the man-up books may not be needed for dealing with his wife's affair. Nevertheless, they are great books for self improvement and can serve him well in a future relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Alan1975 said:


> Why have not done anything, I did not find the face book until March. I didn't know face book was so easy to get into. I am very busy and I really don't have time for this crap in my life. Also if you know me I am very confident in myself. I have always felt that if she does want me then fine leave get the **** out. I do not need anybody. I am fine alone. *Good bad or indifferent I have always had girls hanging all over me.* So maybe its my fault for taking her for granted. We have been married 28 years. At my age I have learned the first instinct to run and scream bloody murder is the wrong thing to do. So I want to think this through. Mostly, what do I want? I don't know what I want.
> 
> So I will take my time, but I know how I am I will likely just divorce her because I know she does not love me. The interesting thing is how jealous she is when other woman talk to me. I think she is depressed, and weak minded with very low self esteem. I will read the Married Man Sex Life Primer.


Are you saying that while you have been married all these years you have had "women hanging all over you"?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Alan1975 said:


> where can I get this book?


The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

turnera said:


> Have you read Married Man Sex Life Primer? I suggest you read it before you do ANYTHING. What you're missing is being the alpha man who makes her wet her pants. That's what she's searching for.


Who gives a crap what she's searching for?!

She cheated.

End of story.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Alan1975,

I am no body to point finger at you , but there are few things that seems not very logical to me :

-You were able to watch your wife ,seeking another man without exploding from anger .
I am Not sure if you are superman ! but having said so it means one thing to me : you don't care about your wife ; I strongly believe you degrade her until she feel worth nothing .

-Her attempt to cheat is because of you ; I can clearly see a faithful woman , who is abused by a famous Dr , who brag all the time about ability to get supermodels on his feet .

When she met the first old guy she told you on purpose about it ; it is a double message :
-Me too I can get another partner .
-Hey , be carefull , I am checking out , don't you want to give another try to fix things between us ?

So what do you want on TAM ?

Help in revenge ?

if you abused her for years , what do you expect now ?

Dr Alan :

no body knows you here ,be frank to yourself only , how many times you cheated on her ?

How many patients went out with a discount for favors they have done ?

Admit it !

I hate myself when I am right !


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Alan1975 said:


> Why have not done anything, I did not find the face book until March. I didn't know face book was so easy to get into. I am very busy and I really don't have time for this crap in my life. Also if you know me I am very confident in myself. I have always felt that if she does want me then fine leave get the **** out. I do not need anybody. *I am fine alone. Good bad or indifferent I have always had girls hanging all over me. So maybe its my fault for taking her for granted. *We have been married 28 years. At my age I have learned the first instinct to run and scream bloody murder is the wrong thing to do. So I want to think this through. Mostly, what do I want? I don't know what I want.
> So I will take my time, but I know how I am I will likely just divorce her because I know she does not love me. *The interesting thing is how jealous she is when other woman talk to me. I think she is depressed, and weak minded with very low self esteem*. I will read the Married Man Sex Life Primer.



You are so cruel, F..king a..hole , You made her feel as if she is something you bought 28 years back .

!
She is Human !

She has feelings !

Not like you obviously ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

synthetic said:


> Who gives a crap what she's searching for?!
> 
> She cheated.
> 
> End of story.


A good number of people recover/rebuild their marriage after infidelity. If the OP wants to recover his marriage, then the needs of both of them matter.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> A good number of people recover/rebuild their marriage after infidelity. If the OP wants to recover his marriage, then the needs of both of them matter.


Why she cheated ?

because she is a serial cheater who waited 28 years then decided to cheat ?

If he really care about her he wouldn't have waited her to try again and again to get laid ; 
he is enjoying watching her doing it , right alan ?!!!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She is probably attempting to cheat---cuz she wants ONE LAST FLING------she knows where she is headed-------and she knows what old age/senior life is all about---and the prospect does not look good to her

It looks like her efforts to cheat have encompassed, some male partners, who are not into straying---so she may not be satisfying what she is looking for----if she is getting some satisfaction and wants more----c'est la vie

As for the OP----he is gonna do what he wants, as he wants----if he isn't willing to put a stop to her attempts---it is his life---his bed to sleep in---let him sleep as he wishes


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I don't know if she's cheated yet, but it sure sounds like she's trying to. Based on your outlook of the whole situation and the lengths you've gone to gather evidence in order to protect your assets for divorce, it doesn't sound to me like you even care all that much if she has cheated. Maybe you even want her to cheat to further your case? Do you live in a fault state?

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm not buying that you've never cheated. You're a successful doctor who admits to having women throwing themselves at you all the time. I'm sure you're aware that there's a common conception/stereotype about doctors and how most of them cheat. The attitude you display here says to me that you're ready to move on to other fish in the sea and if it comes at the fault of your wife, all the better.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

tdwal said:


> If he had women hanging all over him as he says I don't think he has a deficiency in that area.


I certainly considered that. In relation to his wife, he might have been lacking however.

There are men who appear very "alpha" to everyone outside the marriage but are quite passive with their wives.

Can't say for sure here. There is something missing in this dynamic that he has caught so much information on her and she seems so confident in her pursuit of strange Oscar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

She may not have actually cheated, but, boy, it sure sounds like she'd love to. Hope you can put a stop to all this nonsense.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Maybe it's true.
> 
> I can't say it for certain in this situation but many men need to "man" up in relation to their women.
> 
> ...



ConanHub, I'm just trying to be a voice of reason. 

I have a female employee whose husband has been emotionally unavailable for quite awhile and, as a result, their marriage has been suffering greatly. All she wants is a husband and partner she can communicate with like married couple should. He is aware that their marriage is hanging by the last thread and but, instead of addressing his issues in more constructive manner, he, in his unlimited wisdom, decided that if he "alpha up", his wife will fall head over hills for him once again and the marriage will be saved. He started searching internet and ordered a few book on the subject.

Well, this farce has been going on for about three months now and my employee says that if it weren't so pathetic it would be even funny. All she sees is a clown who is pretending to be someone else than he really is and, if he doesn't snap out of his juvenal fantasy any time soon, their marriage will be heading to a divorce court. So much for "alpha-ing up" in the real world.

On the comical side.... I haven't read MMSLP but a few months ago I clicked on the link to the author's site provided is some post only to discover that Athol was trying to use his influence to encourage the visitors to purchase his wife's cookies. Now.... this is an example of "alpha-ing up" to square power.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Zouz said:


> You are so cruel, F..king a..hole , You made her feel as if she is something you bought 28 years back .
> 
> !
> She is Human !
> ...


Really dude?!!:scratchhead:


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

jnj express said:


> She is probably attempting to cheat---cuz she wants ONE LAST FLING------she knows where she is headed-------and she knows what old age/senior life is all about---and the prospect does not look good to her
> 
> It looks like her efforts to cheat have encompassed, some male partners, who are not into straying---so she may not be satisfying what she is looking for----if she is getting some satisfaction and wants more----c'est la vie
> 
> As for the OP----he is gonna do what he wants, as he wants----if he isn't willing to put a stop to her attempts---it is his life---his bed to sleep in---let him sleep as he wishes


My wife read this thread and the first words out of her mouth were "that's so sad." Her take on why Alan's wife is acting as she is "she's now at the age when women become invisible. She wants to feel desired and wanted but she comes off as so tragically desperate. I've felt this way at times and I feel so sorry for her. She has this intense need but she doesn't know how to get it met in an honorable way."

My wife also wants to know if Alan is paying her any attention our if she has just become part of the furniture. She said to tell Alan that women, especially at this time in their lives, need to be reassured that they still have value. She wants to know if Alan's wife has been crying out for help and if Alan has been paying attention to her pleas.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

bfree said:


> My wife read this thread and the first words out of her mouth were "that's so sad." Her take on why Alan's wife is acting as she is "she's now at the age when women become invisible. She wants to feel desired and wanted but she comes off as so tragically desperate. I've felt this way at times and I feel so sorry for her. She has this intense need but she doesn't know how to get it met in an honorable way."
> 
> My wife also wants to know if Alan is paying her any attention our if she has just become part of the furniture. She said to tell Alan that women, especially at this time in their lives, need to be reassured that they still have value. She wants to know if Alan's wife has been crying out for help and if Alan has been paying attention to her pleas.


bfree, this is an excellent post and I totally agree with your wife. I think a good book for the OP to read is His Needs, Her Needs.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

alot of people here are making assumptions about Alan that may not be true. 

I feel if he didn't care, he wouldn't be here.

The point is that his wife is trying to destroy her own life by playing Mrs. 58 year old hook up queen and that's unacceptable. 

I have been reading more and more about people destroying their marriages at this late stage of their lives and I feel it's unfortunate but her actions are not Alan's doing


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> bfree, this is an excellent post and I totally agree with your wife. I think a good book for the OP to read is His Needs, Her Needs.


Agree , But I bet OP will never come back ....
if he does he will try to use his talent to change the words ; but what he presented till date proove that he made her feel as a part of furniture ...

being a successfull DR who can have 100 supermodel !

That's what he said .

And Bfree , I admire you and your wife , you share a lot ...


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Alan1975 said:


> *I have decided to get legal advice, and proceed with divorce.* I have never cheated on her. I love my life, my family my career and thought all was perfect. I am a professional and knew what this meant. I guess I could save my marriage, but I have to many assets to lose, so I need to cover my assets first. As far as love goes here how I feel, I want someone to want me as much as I want them. Yes I have copies of everything on her facebook. I have her car bugged, so I know everywhere she goes. I have her i phone in I cloud and have find my iphone hooked up so I know everywhere she is. So she is not doing anything. but the realty is she quit and stayed.
> *She told me woman don't leave until they have some place to go, looks she is looking for someplace to go.* You know older men want younger woman, so at 58 the picking are better for me than her. I am still good looking and *I dont need to hang onto this disrespecting peice of ****.* I will put her in her place, but will it come to her such as such big surprise. I am going to let my attorney do the entire thing. He is good friend of mine. We exchange favors.


I think this pretty much sums up what OP wants.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

adriana said:


> Seriously? I'm sorry but this is simply laughable.


Not really. Psychologically and sociologically, women desire strong men. Goes back to caveman days, it's in our DNA. Women lose respect for weak men, take them for granted, fall out of love with them, and sometimes even cheat. You'll find tons of research on it if you look.

Although after reading more of Alan's posts, it's quite possible she's looking for an exit affair. You know, since he's 'all that.' Maybe she's just tired of being thought of as weak minded and tired of watching him fight off the 'droves' of women who fling themselves at him.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Why is a simple acknowledgement of his attractiveness to other women should illicit snickering comments implying he is conceited or vain?

Why don't we treat female members in the same fashion when they acknowledge their own attractiveness to other men?


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## NosborCrop (Feb 25, 2015)

sounds like she's trying to cheat.Run


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you should tell her you've heard she's telling other people you're separated, things have been bad a long time and she's hitting on other men. See how she reacts. This may not be her first rodeo either.

Read MMSLP first and also check with your attorney first to protect yourself.

Good luck.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm also thinking that if these guys are indeed turning her down they're either of pretty good character or she's not really as hot as you think. Love goggles can do that.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I don’t know if your wife has cheated, but it certainly is not for lack of effort, she just has not found an accommodating chap yet. To be honest I am more concerned with her remarks of harming your business and characterization of your relationship. I therefore recommend the following.

1.	Print all the damning messages and put them in a safe place outside the house.
2.	Consult with an attorney, you don’t have to file, but you need to know your legal and financial position.
3.	Have a serious conversation with your wife. I believe that I would start out by asking her opinion of your relationship. When she gives you the stock answers, then ask her why she disparaged you to Mr Whomever? Don’t show her the messages or even state how you know, only that you do and that is the important part.

I get the impression that she is bored, you are busy and she is looking for a little adventure. I doubt these are her true feelings, she has merely lost her compass. However, you can’t nice her back in the relationship, she has to know what she has to lose by pursuing this path. I recommend counseling to put the relationship back on course.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Dogbert said:


> Why is a simple acknowledgement of his attractiveness to other women should illicit snickering comments implying he is conceited or vain?


Because he prefaced it around also believing that SHE is dumb, weak, and lacking self esteem.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> Because he prefaced it around also believing that SHE is dumb, weak, and lacking self esteem.


Is the post below the one you are referring to?



Alan1975 said:


> Why have not done anything, I did not find the face book until March. I didn't know face book was so easy to get into. I am very busy and I really don't have time for this crap in my life. Also if you know me I am very confident in myself. I have always felt that if she does want me then fine leave get the **** out. I do not need anybody. I am fine alone. Good bad or indifferent *I have always had girls hanging all over me.* So maybe its my fault for taking her for granted. We have been married 28 years. At my age I have learned the first instinct to run and scream bloody murder is the wrong thing to do. So I want to think this through. Mostly, what do I want? I don't know what I want.
> So I will take my time, but I know how I am I will likely just divorce her because I know she does not love me. *The interesting thing is how jealous she is when other woman talk to me. I think she is depressed, and weak minded with very low self esteem*. I will read the Married Man Sex Life Primer.


Now if the genders had be reversed, would you still have judged "her" to be vain and conceited? Or would you have said that her WH was an insecure POS?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why would I think her spouse was an insecure POS? ANY person who calls his/her spouse weak minded needs a wakeup call. That person doesn't love his/her spouse. You don't love someone and describe them that way.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Dogbert said:


> Why is a simple acknowledgement of his attractiveness to other women should illicit snickering comments implying he is conceited or vain?
> 
> Why don't we treat female members in the same fashion when they acknowledge their own attractiveness to other men?


I agree Dogbert


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If it's me, I get a lawyer, secure the assets, get new bank accounts and hand her the divorce papers and when she asks why, hand her the copies of the conversations she had with these men and tell her that she's free to pursue any one or all three of them and point to the door. 

Nothing like getting the heave ho when there's no safety net to catch you. 

Then when she tries to explain to you why, you can just nod your head and let her know that rather than living like brother and sister with you, she can shack up with the entire NFL if she wants but not in the marital home. Wish her luck and send her on her way.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> Why would I think her spouse was an insecure POS? ANY person who calls his/her spouse weak minded needs a wakeup call. That person doesn't love his/her spouse. You don't love someone and describe them that way.


In the aftermath of her multiple attempts to betray him, I would say he is right on the money with his assessment that she is weak minded. And it is not him but she who does not love him.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Dogbert said:


> Is the post below the one you are referring to?
> 
> 
> 
> Now if the genders had be reversed, would you still have judged "her" to be vain and conceited? Or would you have said that her WH was an insecure POS?


:iagree:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm not excusing what she's doing. Merely commenting that the more he speaks, the more I understand.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Yes so do I. About double standards.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If a woman was on here trashing her husband, being condescending, I'd be giving her crap, too.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

OP, is the State where you reside an at fault State where infidelity could be used in a divorce?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dogbert said:


> OP, is the State where you reside an at fault State where infidelity could be used in a divorce?


He has no evidence of infidelity so it does not matter.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

adriana said:


> ConanHub, I'm just trying to be a voice of reason.
> 
> I have a female employee whose husband has been emotionally unavailable for quite awhile and, as a result, their marriage has been suffering greatly. All she wants is a husband and partner she can communicate with like married couple should. He is aware that their marriage is hanging by the last thread and but, instead of addressing his issues in more constructive manner, he, in his unlimited wisdom, decided that if he "alpha up", his wife will fall head over hills for him once again and the marriage will be saved. He started searching internet and ordered a few book on the subject.
> 
> ...


I'm with you. The opposite to an alpha (or neanderthal as I term them) seems to be "doormat". If this is true, why do women get married?

More seriously, I understand that many women want a man who can be strong, who can be decisive, while at the same time being open and not dictatorial. Sadly, many men are not brought up that way.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> alot of people here are making assumptions about Alan that may not be true.
> 
> I feel if he didn't care, he wouldn't be here.
> 
> ...


But they may, in part, be caused by Alan. It is the choice to actually commit infidelity that our communal wisdom blames 100% on the cheater. As far as we know, she's not actually cheated yet.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

turnera said:


> Not really. Psychologically and sociologically, women desire strong men. Goes back to caveman days, it's in our DNA. Women lose respect for weak men, take them for granted, fall out of love with them, and sometimes even cheat. You'll find tons of research on it if you look.
> 
> Although after reading more of Alan's posts, it's quite possible she's looking for an exit affair. You know, since he's 'all that.' Maybe she's just tired of being thought of as weak minded and tired of watching him fight off the 'droves' of women who fling themselves at him.


I don't fully agree. Yes, many women want that. But they also want to be consulted, treated as an equal, and want a man who needs them.

And yes, there are men who can do all of this and I'd bet that they are highly prized.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Dogbert said:


> Why is a simple acknowledgement of his attractiveness to other women should illicit snickering comments implying he is conceited or vain?
> 
> Why don't we treat female members in the same fashion when they acknowledge their own attractiveness to other men?


Because we are trying to figure out what is going on. The OM's wife is at an age where she's either been through menopause or soon will be. I think that it is well known to men that the hormonal changes often cause the woman to lose a sense of self-worth, of being desired, and being needed.

We don't know what is going on in her mind. We don't know what is going on in the OP's mind. All we have are the OP's words, and word choice can be very revealing.

The OP made a very good point when he said that she will have difficulty finding a new man (read what I wrote above) but that he wouldn't have any trouble finding another woman. I read it as a statement that divorce would hurt his wife more than him and I think that's probably right. But I also made some inferences about his feelings about his wife from it.

The result is that my advice to the OP would be to divorce. I think that he does not want to be with his wife any more and I think that she knows it.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> I think you should tell her you've heard she's telling other people you're separated, things have been bad a long time and she's hitting on other men. See how she reacts. This may not be her first rodeo either.
> 
> Read MMSLP first and also check with your attorney first to protect yourself.
> 
> Good luck.


:iagree:

Simple, dosn't reveal anything, to the point, it would start a needed conversation without blowing it up. I like it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

turnera said:


> Why would I think her spouse was an insecure POS? ANY person who calls his/her spouse weak minded needs a wakeup call. That person doesn't love his/her spouse. You don't love someone and describe them that way.


I thought what he said was rather mild considering her actions AND words. I think she earned everything he can say.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

sidney2718 said:


> Because we are trying to figure out what is going on. The OM's wife is at an age where she's either been through menopause or soon will be. I think that it is well known to men that the hormonal changes often cause the woman to lose a sense of self-worth, of being desired, and being needed.
> 
> We don't know what is going on in her mind. We don't know what is going on in the OP's mind. All we have are the OP's words, and word choice can be very revealing.
> 
> ...


Would these points even be brought if the genders were reversed? I dare say not. Don't believe me? Go to any thread started by a BW and find at least one post where the same treatment is given to her as is given to the BH like Alan.

The OP came here for support and instead got veiled "you're a lousy husband" replies (Zouz even called him an @$$hole) for posting a few lines that if he were a woman, they would not even have raised an eyebrow. It's one more example of the built in bias in team TAM.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dogbert said:


> Would these points even be brought if the genders were reversed? I dare say not. Don't believe me? Go to any thread started by a BW and find at least one post where the same treatment is given to her as is given to the BH like Alan.
> 
> The OP came here for support and instead got veiled "you're a lousy husband" replies (Zouz even called him an @$$hole) for posting a few lines that if he were a woman, they would not even have raised an eyebrow. It's one more example of the built in bias in team TAM.


If a married women were to post "Good bad or indifferent I have always had men hanging all over me." She would catch hell for it. What is a married women doing have men hanging all over her? What are the circumstances that this is happening?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> If a married women were to post "Good bad or indifferent I have always had men hanging all over me." She would catch hell for it. What is a married women doing have men hanging all over her? What are the circumstances that this is happening?


I've read a few posts where a BW has stated that she is very attractive and that she has men approach her all the time but has been faithful to her husband, and not one TAM member called her out for it. I for one would never call her for it either because it is a non issue, especially in the face of evidence that her husband has been secretly e-mailing female friends telling them that his marriage is on the rocks and implying he is available to have an affair with one of them.

If the OP and his wife were seeking R, then addressing his (and her) shortcomings would be essential to healing their marriage. But that is not the case here because the OP has made it clear that he is going to divorce his wife. His perceived "vanity" is a non-issue.

ETA: There is a female TAM member who has boasted that she is so attractive that she could sleep with a different man every night. She caught no hell for it.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

turnera said:


> Not really. Psychologically and sociologically, women desire strong men. Goes back to caveman days, it's in our DNA. Women lose respect for weak men, take them for granted, fall out of love with them, and sometimes even cheat.



Turnera, the OP appears to be an individual with rather firm grip on reality when it comes to his marriage. But you, like often the case, couldn't help yourself and hit him with your usual alpha/MMSLP combination. What you seem to fail to understand is that when a woman is done, she is done. 

The OP's wife, for whatever reason, is clearly done with him and reading MMSLP, or any other similar book, isn't going to change it. She remains married to him for convenience only. She has no romantic interest in him.

And finally.... for most part I agree with what you said above but it doesn't mean that alpha men are immune to being cheated on or getting dumped. I have seen it happening quite often in real life. And anyone who claims that alpha men don't take their cheating wives or girlfriends back.... clearly doesn't know what she/he is talking about.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> But they may, in part, be caused by Alan. It is the choice to actually commit infidelity that our communal wisdom blames 100% on the cheater. As far as we know, she's not actually cheated yet.


But Sindney, we can't always sit back and wait for it to happen before reacting. We know what she's up to. It's evident. he's not trying to get together with these guys to drink tea and play badmitton


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Dogbert said:


> I've read a few posts where a BW has stated that she is very attractive and that she has men approach her all the time but has been faithful to her husband, and not one TAM member called her out for it. I for one would never call her for it either because it is a non issue, especially in the face of evidence that her husband has been secretly e-mailing female friends telling them that his marriage is on the rocks and implying he is available to have an affair with one of them.
> 
> If the OP and his wife were seeking R, then addressing his (and her) shortcomings would be essential to healing their marriage. But that is not the case here because the OP has made it clear that he is going to divorce his wife. His perceived "vanity" is a non-issue.
> 
> ETA: There is a female TAM member who has boasted that she is so attractive that she could sleep with a different man every night. She caught no hell for it.



well put, Dogbert


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> He has no evidence of infidelity *yet* so it does not matter *yet*.


Fify. At the rate she's trying to get laid he'll have his evidence soon. The only question is will it matter?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

adriana said:


> Turnera, the OP appears to be an individual with rather firm grip on reality when it comes to his marriage. But you, like often the case, couldn't help yourself and hit him with your usual alpha/MMSLP combination. What you seem to fail to understand is that when a woman is done, she is done.
> 
> The OP's wife, for whatever reason, is clearly done with him and reading MMSLP, or any other similar book, isn't going to change it. She remains married to him for convenience only. She has no romantic interest in him.
> 
> And finally.... for most part I agree with what you said above but it doesn't mean that alpha men are immune to being cheated on or getting dumped. I have seen it happening quite often in real life. And anyone who claims that alpha men don't take their cheating wives or girlfriends back.... clearly doesn't know what she/he is talking about.


I disagree that when a woman is done she is done. I've seen a lot of marriages in which the woman gets to this point. When the husband realizes that she's about to walk he does things that bring her back into the relationship. 

There is a fallacy that persists here on TAM that a person's feelings operate on a light switch type on/off. It's not the case. The OP has a chance to fix his marriage. But I don't think he wants to. He been just watching her since last year waiting for her to cheat. He has done noting (from what he has said) to address the issues that would bring her back into the marriage.

To me it looks like he's just waiting for evidence so that he can used it in a divorce. But we do not know because he's long gone from this thread. It's all speculation now.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I disagree that when a woman is done she is done. I've seen a lot of marriages in which the woman gets to this point. When the husband realizes that she's about to walk he does things that bring her back into the relationship.
> 
> There is a fallacy that persists here on TAM that a person's feelings operate on a light switch type on/off. It's not the case. The OP has a chance to fix his marriage. But I don't think he wants to. He been just watching her since last year waiting for her to cheat. He has done noting (from what he has said) to address the issues that would bring her back into the marriage.
> 
> To me it looks like he's just waiting for evidence so that he can used it in a divorce. But we do not know because he's long gone from this thread. It's all speculation now.


Sadly, I agree.


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## NosborCrop (Feb 25, 2015)

Come back OP


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

The OP seems to fall into the camp of folks like myself that consider infidelity a deal breaker. His decision is also re-enforced by her comment to him that a woman leaves a man only when she has another man waiting for her. And add her multiple attempts to secure another man, it doesn't take a genius to see that he is through with her.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> More seriously, I understand that many women want a man who can be strong, who can be decisive, while at the same time being open and not dictatorial. Sadly, many men are not brought up that way.





sidney2718 said:


> But they may, in part, be caused by Alan. It is the choice to actually commit infidelity that our communal wisdom blames 100% on the cheater. As far as we know, she's not actually cheated yet.


The more I read these post the more I realize that most men have no clue about how women think. I try to help the best I can. 
You've got to consider that deep down, old Doc Alan may be intentionally driving his old lady away. He sees the hot nurses giving him the eye and he sees this woman to whom he's married so many years getting a little long in the tooth. These girls are probably married to some slug they've lost interest in and they want to upgrade. I mean what attractive nurse with dollar signs in her eye, wouldn't like to nab a doctor and Doc Alan may be considering what he's going to be waking up next to five or ten years down the road. Think about it. What woman with any sense at all is going to tell her husband that woman don't leave without somewhere else to go? They think exactly that, but they know it is fool hardy to say it until after they line something up. 
The thing is many doctors are good with a scalpel but they ain't board certified when it come to judging and handling these hot, shapely women. I've seen this type thing often. Beside, the women married to professionals generally know the score and if they want something on the side, they do it discreetly, often through a go-between. The husband never has a clue


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

alan1975

I'm a little surprised you never sat your wife down, opened her facebook page in front of her and asked her why she is rewriting the marriage?

After 28 years you desire no reason from her? No explanation?

It is ok to divorce if you feel that is the direction you want to head in.

You can always hand her the divorce papers when she looks at you like a deer caught in the headlights......

Who knows; she might even say Thank you.

HM


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## Alan1975 (Mar 25, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Are you saying that while you have been married all these years you have had "women hanging all over you"?


Yes, but I have learned to ignore them. I am a physician I have woman hit or make inappropriate remarks all the time. I do not respond and I pretend like I didn't even know.


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## Alan1975 (Mar 25, 2015)

adriana said:


> ConanHub, I'm just trying to be a voice of reason.
> 
> I have a female employee whose husband has been emotionally unavailable for quite awhile and, as a result, their marriage has been suffering greatly. All she wants is a husband and partner she can communicate with like married couple should. He is aware that their marriage is hanging by the last thread and but, instead of addressing his issues in more constructive manner, he, in his unlimited wisdom, decided that if he "alpha up", his wife will fall head over hills for him once again and the marriage will be saved. He started searching internet and ordered a few book on the subject.
> 
> ...


I have taken the advice from many members, and I have really thought it through. So lets look at the facts. 
1. I love the sex with my wife. 
2. She is beautiful and still makes me want her.
3. I can't see me with anyone else.
4. She is great cook.
5. She keeps the house very clean.
6. She does not blow my money.
7. I am married to my profession, and I have neglected my wife. 
8. I have the read the book, and think the Alpha male is great, I am doing that and it worked. 
9. I took advice and confronted her, she denied everything and accused me of cheating and thought I was cheating. Well now we know who the cheater because I have not cheated and she has nothing on me. Lets just say I have set her straight. Now she knows she may lose everything, this a fault state. 
10. I am the solid one emotionally, she suffers from depression and low self esteem. 
11. I love her and really can not see me with any other woman. I am going to man up and pay attention to my wife, what she needs is attention. 
12. Marriage is work, and it needs to be done or it will not prosper. I have been married for 28 years and I will die married to this woman, for better or for worse is what signed up for. I will honor that. She is still the most wonderful woman I have ever known.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Alan1975 said:


> I have taken the advice from many members, and I have really thought it through. So lets look at the facts.
> 1. I love the sex with my wife.
> 2. She is beautiful and still makes me want her.
> 3. I can't see me with anyone else.
> ...


and thus one has no need to post in a forum.

Enjoy!


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Good for you, doc. Shower her with affection and watch her blossom.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why not hand her the divorce papers and when she asks why just reply: "Don't know, why don't you tell me."

It is possible that she loves you. However, that means she was willing to lie about your marriage to entice her intended AP into having sex. Duplicity within duplicity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> She is still the most wonderful woman I have ever known.


I'm sure her boyfriends say the same thing.

I always say Alan1975 that there is nothing wrong with loving a cheater.

But why don't you take her off that pedestal you have her on and get into her head.

Figure out why she lies and cheats on you.

Just don't go down with the ship.

HM


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Has anyone else considered that she might be seeking out a co-partner for an exit affair?:scratchhead:

Alan. This is important. Get your accountant to check your finances and protect your assets by seeking legal advice first thing Monday morning.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Prolly the post that got him banned






synthetic said:


> Really dude?!!:scratchhead:



55


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Alan1975 said:


> 9. *I took advice and confronted her, she denied everything and accused me of cheating and thought I was cheating. Well now we know who the cheater because I have not cheated and she has nothing on me. Lets just say I have set her straight. Now she knows she may lose everything, this a fault state. *


*She is projecting. * 

I would imagine that 1st person from the reunion might have tapped it once and figured she wasn't worth the risk of wrecking his life. You obviously have your wife goggles on. So you see her as very attractive. But a late 50s woman is not going to have many takers.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jsmart said:


> *She is projecting. *
> 
> I would imagine that 1st person from the reunion might have tapped it once and figured she wasn't worth the risk of wrecking his life. You obviously have your wife goggles on. So you see her as very attractive. But a late 50s woman is not going to have many takers.


More than you'd think.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Forget what I posted earlier. 

Do this.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

Alan1975 said:


> I have taken the advice from many members, and I have really thought it through. So lets look at the facts.
> 1. I love the sex with my wife.
> 2. She is beautiful and still makes me want her.
> 3. I can't see me with anyone else.
> ...



This is quite drastic change in your attitude toward her compared to what you posted about her 48 hours earlier. But it is your life and I wish you all the best.... you are going to need it!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I missed your last post on the decision to reconcile before I suggested filing for divorce. Sorry about that.

Did your wife's accusation that you were just roommates sting? Are you guilty of ignoring her sexually.

Are you reconnecting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Alan1975 said:


> I have taken the advice from many members, and I have really thought it through. So lets look at the facts.
> 1. I love the sex with my wife.
> 2. She is beautiful and still makes me want her.
> 3. I can't see me with anyone else.
> ...


Now there are some more books that will help you and your wife. I hope you get them and work through them with her.

"His Needs, Her Needs" 

"Love Busters"


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> 12. Marriage is work, and it needs to be done or it will not prosper. I have been married for 28 years and I will die married to this woman, for better or for worse is what signed up for. I will honor that. She is still the most wonderful woman I have ever known.


Marriage is hard work Alan.

And I agree with "For Better or For Worse".

But marriage takes commitment by both spouses.

And both spouses need to respect each other as well as love each other.

Cheating is not a sign of respect. It is a complete lack of respect.

If your wife felt you were disrespecting her she had choices she could have communicated to you:

A. Marriage Counseling
B. Separation
C. Divorce
D. Open Marriage

The key is communication Alan.

I hope your wife stops lying to you, comes clean 100% and then discusses the options available to both of you.

I think you made yourself clear about your desire to reconcile.

Did she make herself clear to you about what direction she wants the marriage to head towards?

HM


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Now there are some more books that will help you and your wife. I hope you get them and work through them with her.
> 
> "His Needs, Her Needs"
> 
> "Love Busters"


Alan75, sure hope that it all works out for you. The neglecting your wife part is a big problem and probably got your wife to the stage she was at looking for action elsewhere. You have been so wrapped up in your profession you let the glass ball drop, it will be difficult to put it back together but not impossible. Good luck!


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