# Guys, I Need Your Help



## Toni Toni (Mar 26, 2012)

Guys, I need your help. It's my understanding when a man is dog tired from working, he doesn't want to hear negativity (anything about bills) or complex questions right when he comes in the door. So, as a wife of a man who's been working like crazy to get our family up from under a ton of debt, plus has health issues, and some emotional issues from stress, it never seems to be a good time to bring up household or family issues that only he, as my husband and head of the house, can answer. If he's not tired, he's working. If he's not working, he's tired. He doesn't really sleep. Even when he does close his eyes and doses off, he keeps the TV on as a diversion for his mind. He's made some big financial mistakes and some marriage mistakes that has put our family in a tailspin, and he recognizes that. He always saying that he's so tired. Sometimes I feel like he's not going to make it and it scares me. I don't want to treat him like I'm his mother and I don't want to bring up the mistakes. (I've done all of that enough already and I realize that a person can only take so much) But the fact remains, I still need to ask him about stuff. I don't want to add burden. How should I best communicate to him?


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

I have a decent commute (30 min) that lets me decompress everyday, so I think I could handle questions right out. But if I didn't have that time I would want at least a few minutes. 

Does he have a "get home" routine? Change clothes, get a drink, shower, anything? If he doesn't, you should encourage him to do so to setup a different dynamic, allow for a change of mood, so he can let go of work stress and BE home. 

Being positive always helps. When he first gets home, have him do as recommended above, then talk about GOOD things for a bit. Cute things the kids did. Something that reminded you of him in some way that day, that made you miss him/want him/whatever. 
Then you let him know, after a bit of time, that there is some business stuff you need to talk to him about. 

If he isn't receptive then, there's probably a deeper issue (depression, etc). 

Whether or not you can get him to talk about negative stuff everyday, make sure he gets REAL sleep. 6 hours minimum. Hot bath, sleep aid, or you can relax him yourself to put him down. 

There may be some guilt/pressure he's feeling due to the perception that all of the "tailspin" is his fault, and whether or not that is true adding to the burden doesn't help anyone. Let him know how you are feeling, and that you worry about him. That you want to help him get the family through this, and that his past mistakes can stay there. It just might be the pick me up he needs to stay on track.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You may not "need" his input as much as you think you do. If it is something that you can handle without his input, then do it. 

Otherwise, make a little list of household things that NEED to be discussed, make his favorite dessert....and just talk while he's eating. It doesn't have to be all emotional, just say that you need his input on a few things and go from there.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I can relate to the feeling of not wanting to be bombarded as I walk in the door.

Start with a pleasant brief greeting as he comes in. Reward him for coming in, so that he doesn't learn to hate the idea of coming home.

Let him have his time and routine when he gets home. Just don't let it become an endless time period. That is, he should have 15 or 30 minutes to do whatever he needs to do. Shower, check email, etc.

But I would say try to limit the lazy nonproductive activities that last longer than 30 minutes. TV is a good example. I am not in favor of watching the news because it is always sensationalized traumatic stuff which is not uplifting. So try to get the noise and distractions turned off asap.

I think you might try approaching your situation in steps rather than in one big leap. First the reward for coming home. Next try to encourage healthy activities when he is home. Take the dogs for a walk before dinner, or after dinner. Engage him in light conversation without the tv on. Try to have some positive conversations with him about what is going on. For example, tell him you appreciate all of his efforts. It can be as simple as that one sentence, no big convo needed. Prime the pump for future conversations by telling him that you've got some things which you would like to have his input on (make his input valued rather than making his participation a chore) and that you'd like to set up a time when you can get together for a few minutes. Make it short and sweet when you do discuss the issues.

I think he needs some changes in his lifestyle. Better food, more exercise, less tv. Maybe regular vitamins every morning.


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## Toni Toni (Mar 26, 2012)

Thank you all. This helps a lot


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

Hey Toni,
before u even do anything, may I ask if ur hubby is a person whom you or his friends can easily strike a conversation? does he has maybe a hobby or a favourite place to eat or hang out? it would be easier for us to give you a possible solution if we are able to "know" him better


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## Toni Toni (Mar 26, 2012)

My husband spent his life giving to others, financially and of his labor. Many times, with me giving right beside him. He doesn't have an outlet. He started getting into motorcycles a few years ago, talking to the "old guys" and listening to stories of them cruising across country. My husband had a cruiser, but had to sell it for financial reasons. We poured most of our efforts during our almost 30 years of married life into a charity. It ended badly, with most of our money gone and my husband's immense time and labor ridiculed. He was shattered by that experience and had an overwhelming need to prove to people that he was indeed a "hero." That took a toll on our marriage. His efforts were not focused inside of our home, but outside of it. When we got into financial struggle, he began to work anywhere and everywhere he could get an honest dollar, and still make it appear to others that he could help them too and be their hero. When that finally caught up to him, of course he feels bad that he's seen as letting others down. He has no time, energy, or extra cash to pursue interests just for fun, so he's down about that too. He doesn't want me to know how bad it really is so he doesn't talk much. He says he wishes this didn't happen like it did, and he wishes he didn't "bring down" the atmosphere at our home, and he wishes the plight of others didn't grab him the way it does, but feels that's the way God made him. These days, he can't seem to make it out of his slump, but he tries everyday. He's very tired. He says if he had a motorcycle (three wheel kind) he would be able to ride and feel better.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

A couple of book suggestions for him:

The Mood Cure. It is a nutrition based approach to improving mood. Very conservative and common sense, not one of those out there "only eat raw squid and seaweed" diets.

No More Mr. Nice Guy.


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## Toni Toni (Mar 26, 2012)

Thanks so much for the book suggestion, Thor! And yes, he's learned a few lessons along the way about over-extending himself to people who are more then willing to "take."


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

It may help if you had a time each week that you sat down as a couple and had a "family business" conference. List the things you need to work on or discuss, give each other the list the day before, then talk to each other about those items. As a guy who has been in some pretty up and down financial stations, I can say that it was always better after my wife and I talked about things, and were on the same page.


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## Toni Toni (Mar 26, 2012)

That's a great idea, soulsearch! Thank you for taking time to reply. Much appreciated


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Toni Toni - my hubby and I have bill night on a Monday night. Other than that I leave him alone regarding financial issues, unless something is urgent and can't wait until Monday. Hubby seems to like this arrangement and I know that I can bring up any worries or questions I have on bill night. It works for us. 

I also agree with Thor above. Make coming home a treat for him. I learnt what a huge impact this can make to a man many year ago. So no matter what I'm doing when I hear his truck come up the driveway I go and meet and greet him with a hug and kiss and I let him know how pleased I am to see him home.

My hubby also had some major financial issues with his business and as a family we have struggled at times because of it... having a supportive loving wife at home eases that stress/shame/guilt somewhat I believe. I want my hubby to know i love and cherish him...no matter what.

Are any of the stresses that you want to talk about things that you can discuss with a friend or relative? 

I have found that most men don't like to talk as much as most women. I try to not do too much of my venting at my hubby. Although don't get me wrong if i need to discuss something with him that i feel IS important i don't hesitate.

I may be way off base here... just my thoughts as a woman that some have described as "chatty"


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