# I don't know what to do...



## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Where to begin.. My husband and I got married young, at 18 yrs. old. We had been seeing each other for 2 years previous to that, and have now been married for nearly 11 years, and together for nearly 13 years. Our marriage hasn't been perfect all these years, we had a lot of growing up, had children young, and had many hardships to overcome. The past year, things have been wonderful on all fronts, we have a nice home, both of us have jobs we enjoy, our kids are older and more independent, we have cultivated hobbies in our lives... However, I have struggled with anxiety for quiet sometime, and it had put a damper on my overall happiness, ability to do things, and be the best version of myself. 2 months ago, My husband came home from a night out drinking and said he wanted a divorce. I was it total shock. Turns out he has developed an emotional affair over the summer and thinks that there is no fixing our relationship, and that he's been happier without me. I am totally lost because my entire life has revolved around him and our children. I had to leave our home (his family owns it) and I am not as financially sound as he is. I want our marriage to work, but he refuses, is still talking to the other woman, and has absolutely no care or worry about anyone but himself. I have done what I think I should do to repair and reconcile...but nothing I do is right. If I do right, it's wrong, if I do wrong, I am the worst human on the planet. My whole life has been with him, and it has been ripped apart. I have nothing left. Our kids are struggling with this as much as I am, and he has no care for their feelings either... I need some advice. Everyone says to leave him alone and get a divorce, but the cons outweigh the pros in that senario. Help. ?


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar boat this exact time last year but my wife was the one who told me that she wanted to separate. Without going too much into my own story what I can tell you is to let him go. Start to live your own life and be strong. Go out with your friends. Take up a new hobby. Go to therapy and work on you. Don't pressure him or get jealous. No matter how much it hurts just let him be. Also be respectful and don't react or cry any tears when dealing with him. He may or may not turn it around and be with you, if that is what you want. If not, then you are a better you for after the divorce. Good luck.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Thank you, I am sorry you have went through this too. Did your wife turn it around? I think it's too late for him to want me ever again. This girl has a lot of influence over him, he has freedom to do as he wishes, he's basically living the good life while I have nothing. This hurts on every level, and he had not a single drop of compassion. He blames me for everything wrong in our relationship, I take blame where it's due, but he has done some awful things too... I just want to let go of the past and move forward in a positive way, but this girl is keeping us from doing so. She is bad news, he doesn't see it, everyone else does....


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

I wish I could understand where he's coming from. To me, things are worth fixing, worth working on.. but he just wants to throw it away. All the things that he claims he wants a divorce for is nothing but superficial. When I try to reason with him, he just gets angry. He has some emotional issues that keep him from fully processing the reality of things and make rash decisions. On top of that, my behavior hasn't been wonderful during this seperation...so I have surely made things worse. ? Add this girl constantly in his ear, and I am done for. 
He has cut off all contact with me except to get visitation with our kids, but he is still talking to the girl. Uhg.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

One minute he says he has a lawyer, and is working towards divorce, the next he says that it's going to take a while and he had to get a different lawyer, then he says he wishes we could do this without a lawyer... I don't know what's true anymore, it seems everything he says is a lie.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Similar on my end. My wife rewrote history and blamed me for every problem ever. You really should get counseling. On your own at first and if he wants to join so be it. Don't call or contact him unless it is needed. Be respectful and stong when communicating. Act like you don't care and are unphased. Seriously take up hobbies, go out with friends. If you show that you are unphased and moving on he may come back. My wife sadly did not but my situation is different as substance issues and potentially mental issues are involved. But others have had success with this formula. Best wishes...


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

The lawyer thing means he is unsure and breaking. Similar here as well. Lots of lies and dragging feet although they adamantly want it. Hmmmm...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ixy87 said:


> One minute he says he has a lawyer, and is working towards divorce, the next he says that it's going to take a while and he had to get a different lawyer, then he says he wishes we could do this without a lawyer... I don't know what's true anymore, it seems everything he says is a lie.


That won't stop you grin getting your own.

You can't nice or beg him back.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

What does it mean? Are they just screwing with us about the lawyer stuff... I hate this unsure feeling about everything. He says he wants me to go out with friends, that he wants me to find someone new and move on... I don't know if he means that, but he doesn't seem to care one way or another. So that route won't make him come back...


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

I almost feel he wants me to do something really messed up so that he has an actual reason to divorce me instead of all these little things.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ixy87 said:


> Where to begin.. My husband and I got married young, at 18 yrs. old. We had been seeing each other for 2 years previous to that, and have now been married for nearly 11 years, and together for nearly 13 years. Our marriage hasn't been perfect all these years, we had a lot of growing up, had children young, and had many hardships to overcome. The past year, things have been wonderful on all fronts, we have a nice home, both of us have jobs we enjoy, our kids are older and more independent, we have cultivated hobbies in our lives... However, I have struggled with anxiety for quiet sometime, and it had put a damper on my overall happiness, ability to do things, and be the best version of myself. 2 months ago, My husband came home from a night out drinking and said he wanted a divorce. I was it total shock. Turns out he has developed an emotional affair over the summer and thinks that there is no fixing our relationship, and that he's been happier without me. I am totally lost because my entire life has revolved around him and our children. I had to leave our home (his family owns it) and I am not as financially sound as he is. I want our marriage to work, but he refuses, is still talking to the other woman, and has absolutely no care or worry about anyone but himself. I have done what I think I should do to repair and reconcile...but nothing I do is right. If I do right, it's wrong, if I do wrong, I am the worst human on the planet. My whole life has been with him, and it has been ripped apart. I have nothing left. Our kids are struggling with this as much as I am, and he has no care for their feelings either... I need some advice. Everyone says to leave him alone and get a divorce, but the cons outweigh the pros in that senario. Help. ?



Ixy, no doubt this is painful and very tough on your and your kids.

How old are your kids? Your WH may or may not be in a fog with this OW, he has you running after him now and he has her too, he has his cake and is eating it. You have to be willing to lose this marriage to maybe save it or at least save yourself and the kids. Begging, pleading, pandering to him will not work, follow the advise on this site.

1. Start doing the 180 (I know it will be tough) but you have to start emotionally detaching from him and becoming stronger. Agree to the divorce

2. Get a lawyer asap, so that you are ahead of him in the process, ensure that you and the kids are financially supported. Check out the divorce laws in your state/country

3. Advise all family and friends what is happening, including his family, expose what he is doing, do not cover for him, do not hide this, affairs only survive when in darkness

4. Ensure that you contact the OW's husband/GF and tell them so that they are exposed on that side too, and busy doing damage control

5. Get STD tested and ask you WH to pay for the bill

6. Join a counselling service to help you get through this

7. Rely on your close friends or close sibling to give you the support you need

8. Stop doing anything for your WH, cooking, shopping, laundry, etc.

9. Through your actions, show your WH you are more than willing to lose him.

BTW how old are you both? Are you facing menopause by any chance, it can play havoc with your emotions and health. Lack of proper hormone levels could be the cause or your 'unhappiness' it also plays havoc with marriages, particularly when you have a less than sympathetic husband.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ixy87 said:


> What does it mean? Are they just screwing with us about the lawyer stuff... I hate this unsure feeling about everything. He says he wants me to go out with friends, that he wants me to find someone new and move on... I don't know if he means that, but he doesn't seem to care one way or another. So that route won't make him come back...


IXY you have to take the focus of him, and stop wanting him back, work on the assumption he will be out of your life for good, (maybe not a bad thing). You work on yourself, be there for your kids, move on with your life, get counselling, support, get a lawyer. Do not listen to a word your WH tells you, he is a liar and a cheat, he is not the man you married, he will not take care of your needs or your kids needs, he is all for himself now because he is in the affair fog. Let him go, let him know you are letting him go, No Contact, only via lawyer or email. Tell your kids you do not want to hear anything about him and they do not tell him anything about you. Act as if all is well with you, you are happily moving on.

If his OW does not work out, he may well want to go back to the marriage, you must think carefully whether you want that without lots of IC for each of you and MC. Reconciliation is much tougher than divorce imo.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He is riding the wave.
His head up high, smelling the fresh air.
And her fresh hair.

Not knowing left nor RIGHT.
And not caring.
Living for the moment.

And the moment feels good.
Why stop and ponder.
When Yonder remains in sight.

When you think hard....
That good feeling is gone.
And thinking with the little head, such a small thought. 

The single, 'off center eye' never stays up, long and in sight.

Just Sayin'


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ixy87 said:


> I almost feel he wants me to do something really messed up so that he has an actual reason to divorce me instead of all these little things.


YOu are acting from a position of weakness, please go NO CONTACT IMMEDIATELY. Get a lawyer to contact him, all correspondence through the lawyer.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ixy87 said:


> I almost feel he wants me to do something really messed up so that he has an actual reason to divorce me instead of all these little things.


And in all honesty, that could be EXACTLY what he is doing.
But... my question would be, why should you care? If anything, it SHOULD motivate you to take action, because he simply doesn't care about saving the relationship.

It's a very hard pill to swallow, I understand, but you can definitely do something sensible and not "messed up," like get a lawyer and have him filed. Last I checked, that's the normal process.

Doing something "messed up" would be like going on a text rant spree or calling his phone every 5 minutes for a day. Going dark is best and don't engage him in any emotional talk. Just keep it to business.

And when he acts like he wants you back, just remember all the times that he DIDN'T.

This kind of behavior he is exhibiting is DESIGNED to keep you in limbo. When in limbo, there is no up, no down, no left, and no right. You're stagnant, and as we all know, stagnancy is anything but progress. So, you'll have to kick yourself a bit to make progress. And, we can help give you a kick here, too, if you'll permit it.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

aine said:


> Ixy87 said:
> 
> 
> > Where to begin.. My husband and I got married young, at 18 yrs. old. We had been seeing each other for 2 years previous to that, and have now been married for nearly 11 years, and together for nearly 13 years. Our marriage hasn't been perfect all these years, we had a lot of growing up, had children young, and had many hardships to overcome. The past year, things have been wonderful on all fronts, we have a nice home, both of us have jobs we enjoy, our kids are older and more independent, we have cultivated hobbies in our lives... However, I have struggled with anxiety for quiet sometime, and it had put a damper on my overall happiness, ability to do things, and be the best version of myself. 2 months ago, My husband came home from a night out drinking and said he wanted a divorce. I was it total shock. Turns out he has developed an emotional affair over the summer and thinks that there is no fixing our relationship, and that he's been happier without me. I am totally lost because my entire life has revolved around him and our children. I had to leave our home (his family owns it) and I am not as financially sound as he is. I want our marriage to work, but he refuses, is still talking to the other woman, and has absolutely no care or worry about anyone but himself. I have done what I think I should do to repair and reconcile...but nothing I do is right. If I do right, it's wrong, if I do wrong, I am the worst human on the planet. My whole life has been with him, and it has been ripped apart. I have nothing left. Our kids are struggling with this as much as I am, and he has no care for their feelings either... I need some advice. Everyone says to leave him alone and get a divorce, but the cons outweigh the pros in that senario. Help. ?
> ...



1. He will barely talk to me unless it's about visitation with kids or divorce. So, I don't have a choice in that matter. 

2. I have spoke with a lawyer, got some advice that I did, but neither him or I can really afford a lawyer at this time. 

3. I have told his family, they all deny it because he says they are just friends and no one has met her. They think I am blowing things out of proportion. I saw the texts between them, and friends do not talk to each other that way. 

4.The girl isn't in any relationship. She is a POS that no one in their right mind would touch with a 10 ft. Pole. She is currently serving a 5 year probation sentence for using and making crystal meth. She used to shoot up, and prostitute. 

5. I was recently tested as part of my regular gyno appointment. 

6. Looking into counselling now. 

7. No one is helping, his family is trying to shut me out because he keeps telling lies. My mom is sad by the hurt this is causing us all and wants it to be over... No one has any sound advice. 

8. Already moved out. It's been 1 month. 

9. I don't know if he would even care if he "lost" me. 

We both just turned 29. I had my hormones tested during my gyno appointment, everything is fine in that department.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Our kids are 8 and 10.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Any advice is better than what I am getting from friends and family. Kick me into action because I do not have the emotional energy to do it myself.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

My behavior during this hasn't been ideal. When he first brought it up, I tried to do everything perfect in order to attempt to change his mind. Then I found the texts between them and I decided to leave. I stayed with family for a couple of weeks, and during that time I called and texted both him and the girl numerous times....daily, over and over... I kept showing up at his house randomly, and would argue with him every time we saw each other. However, all of that has since stopped. I am regaining control over my emotions. I am embarrassed by my behavior, but we all know that tremendous hurt can cause us to do things we wouldn't normally do.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

It will work out for him and the other woman. She has no prospects of any other men. He has everything a girl like her would like, he has a nice home, job, car, he has a large property with a farm, he's handsome, charming and has a good personality and is easy going for the most part...


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

It does hurt. A lot. You just sadly need to accept that he may not come back. It may be over. Hence, you need to move on and heal. You shold really go for therapy and go out. Have as much fun as you can. Seriously. It is hard but you have to for your own sanity. It also seems illogical but you being fine and moving on makes your spouse very confused. They want control. Sometimes they want you to hurt. They want to have other people, not you. When you do it though it stuns them. That is when they maybe come back. Or not. But would you really want him back? Think about how you would second guess his actions forever? Think about the pain that someone who said they loved you us causing? Think of the selfishness on his end? Tough to overlook it all.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

We all do "crazy" or "certifiable" things when we're hurt.
I screamed at the top of my lungs at my ex-H after having come back from a drink fest with work mates after we'd all been made redundant at work. Losing my job was the icing on the cake as my ex-H and I were already on the path to separation and eventual divorce.

I'm sure our neighbors were close to calling the police. I literally screamed bloody murder at him, called him every foul name in the book, and I think I kept saying over and over again, "what do I do now???!!!" or something like that. I passed out and found myself in PJs on the spare bed the next day.

Yeah, I was not proud of myself... but I came to terms with it afterwards and realized that I NEEDED to be angry. I'd held it in for a long time... and just couldn't hold it in any longer. That morning after was the first day of my true indifference and when I pulled my bootstraps up and made a plan for my future.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

He says he wants me to meet someone new, do you thinking means that? I think it's a tactic to give him fuel for divorce. I think he is holding on to resentment from past issues and is trying to hurt me like he feels hurt..


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

I live in a crappy small town where there isn't much to do in the way of having fun... My friends and I are slightly distance because I have always put my family first...I am working on building those relationships back up, and have made plans with a few girlfriends in the next couple of weeks.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

So, I should just give him what he wants and make it easy on him? Just leave him alone and get divorced? ?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ixy87 said:


> So, I should just give him what he wants and make it easy on him? Just leave him alone and get divorced? ?


Well, the alternative hasn't been going too well, has it?

And you're not (just) making it "easy" on him, you're making it easier on you as well. Might not feel like it now, but no one ever did well staying stuck in limbo. You're just running yourself ragged playing the "pick me" dance.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

You are 100% right. I have exhausted myself in everyway, emotionally, physically, mentally...and where has it got me? Nowhere. I don't know how to stop though. These emotions are just so deep. I feel torn in many different directions.. I want to move on and be the bigger person, be the best version of myself and create a life I will be proud of, but, I want to keep my family together, and then I feel like causing him the same grief he's caused me. None of it seems within my reach, and instead I act out in ways that are unbecoming. I can't focus on anything....


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Nothing seems productive.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ixy87 said:


> You are 100% right. I have exhausted myself in everyway, emotionally, physically, mentally...and where has it got me? Nowhere. I don't know how to stop though. These emotions are just so deep. I feel torn in many different directions.. I want to move on and be the bigger person, be the best version of myself and create a life I will be proud of, but, I want to keep my family together, and then I feel like causing him the same grief he's caused me. None of it seems within my reach, and instead I act out in ways that are unbecoming. I can't focus on anything....


 @Ixy87, this is very classic guilt that you feel. You feel responsible for more than is your due, but that's not realistic. You are responsible for 50% of the health of the marriage. He is responsible for 50% of the health of the marriage. He is 100% responsible for his actions that contribute to its destruction. 

You cannot possibly take on 2x people's portion of the responsibility in keeping a relationship thriving. It's just not realistic. He has shown you that he doesn't care about maintaining his 50%, so your only option (for your sanity) is to drop your now 100% of the responsibility. This is why you feel exhausted in every way. He's not exactly saying thanks for you attempting to hold everything together desperately, is he?

I know it sucks. I really do.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Satya said:


> Ixy87 said:
> 
> 
> > You are 100% right. I have exhausted myself in everyway, emotionally, physically, mentally...and where has it got me? Nowhere. I don't know how to stop though. These emotions are just so deep. I feel torn in many different directions.. I want to move on and be the bigger person, be the best version of myself and create a life I will be proud of, but, I want to keep my family together, and then I feel like causing him the same grief he's caused me. None of it seems within my reach, and instead I act out in ways that are unbecoming. I can't focus on anything....
> ...


Ok, I understand and appreciate your points. Now what? How do I treat someone I love with total disregard? How to turn off the care?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your miserable man has two lovers and many hates.

He loves the juice in the bottle.

He loves the women he sees through the bottle.
Her image blurred. Her figure perfect, her words sweet. She has no hanging baggage that he need carry. No, that is all at home with Thee.

On hates-

He hates his place in life.
He hates his failures. They lay at his door. He tries to push them out...and onto you.

He is an Escape Artist. He cannot even do that feat.
His sins done in broad daylight. 
In the dark of the night under some patched, unclean, 49-count sheet.

Let him go. 
Use your foot to assist, the forward, head over heels roll....down the drive.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ixy87 said:


> Ok, I understand and appreciate your points. Now what? How do I treat someone I love with total disregard? How to turn off the care?


You implement The 180.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Your miserable man has two lovers and many hates.
> 
> He loves the juice in the bottle.
> 
> ...



Couldn't be more accurate, and nicely worded even though it hurts. 
I tried to reason with him in that sense, that everything seems perfect when it's new, and that when reality sets in, all the new and excitement will fade away... He has no desire to listen to reason or logic.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Satya said:


> Ixy87 said:
> 
> 
> > Ok, I understand and appreciate your points. Now what? How do I treat someone I love with total disregard? How to turn off the care?
> ...




How do I go about doing that when he's already pushed me as far out of his life as possible? I don't think he's even notice?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ixy87 said:


> How do I go about doing that when he's already pushed me as far out of his life as possible? I don't think he's even notice?


The 180 is not about getting him to notice you.
It's about healing yourself and moving on. Getting stronger and finding things in your life that bring you satisfaction.
Basically, it's about learning to live without him and learning that you can be more than FINE if you do so.

ETA: The reason this is important to do is that your life goes on, with or without him. It's better that you become a stronger person for the future, whether you plan on being in a relationship again or even if you just plan on being alone.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Satya said:


> Ixy87 said:
> 
> 
> > How do I go about doing that when he's already pushed me as far out of his life as possible? I don't think he's even notice?
> ...



I can't disagree with you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*"180 him" and go see a good family attorney to help you fully assess all of your property and child custody rights!

And don't even dream of sleeping with the SOB! Get yourself a good thorough medical checkup for the presence of any possible STD's!*


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *"180 him" and go see a good family attorney to help you fully assess all of your property and child custody rights!
> 
> And don't even dream of sleeping with the SOB! Get yourself a good thorough medical checkup for the presence of any possible STD's!*


There isn't anything to settle between us besides child custody and child support. Honestly, niethet of us can afford a lawyer. I was recently checked for everything due to a regular gyno appointment. I honestly don't think he's crossed that line yet, but I don't think he's far from it.


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