# College age children at home



## Ittakestwo (Apr 22, 2012)

I have a few college age chldren living at home. they have jobs and are full time students. 

I want to help them as much as I can ... I know that life is tough out there in the real world... I want to do what i can.

Problem: they do NOT clean up after themselves. Not dishes, not in the bathrooms that we share, not there shared bedroom area, you get the picture.

I have never wanted to charge my chldren while they lived with us... I have made empty threats and only followed through on one but didn't last very long. 

Husband does NOT enforce anything with them... he avoids any conflict like the plague... therefore, If I do not enforce any rules they are not followed. i hate being the military mom... feel that this is coming between me and my children... not enjoying them like I would like to....more frustrated and resentful towards them.


Any advice on what I should do... I hate being the parent that always sets the rules!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Do you end up picking up after them to keep peace? Stop doing it. Your kids will get tired of not having clean clothes or dishes. It might gross you out not to do it, but they are adults now. If they are living there rent free, eating y'alls food, using y'alls electricity and water, make them appreciate what they have. _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Being a survivor of a teenage daughter and a now 20 something son, I can share what I did. Stopped cleaning their rooms (my way, thoroughly) before they were 10. Encouraged their attempts at cooking, laundry, housecleaning, etc. Rule for laundry was if it ain't in the hamper, it ain't gettin' washed (that one led to them learning how to do their own laundry 'cause apparently it was easier to do that rather than walk to the hamper and put the dirty item in).

I worked full time outside the home for a long time. They had to learn how to do these things themselves. Now DD is almost 19 and goes on pretty regular cleaning benders. DS, eh, not so much but think that may change as he is now married and a new father. 

Both love to cook and do pretty well at it but dishes, ugh, that's another story.

All I can say is "I tried!"


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## Ittakestwo (Apr 22, 2012)

Thank you all for your input

Here is the situation. I had homeschooled my children (4of them) up to High School. They had weekly chores and were expected to do them (never more than 30-60 min a day... I felt that was not too much.

We went through a tragic issue with a church a few years ago... and it has changed everything in our lives. we got deeply involved and before we knew it we say major red flags... we got out... we were shunned and condemned and brought before the memebers and "handed over to satan"... let me preface.... we have been involved in Christian church for years, serving, loving the connections and being with other believers... we had only been in this church for a little over a year but when this happened... I have carried so much guilt for even having my children there that I have backed off on everything...

My husband does not reinforce any level of responsibility in our children... never has and well that's a whole other story that I am struggling with. 

I hear what you are all saying.. i don't want them to be 'pigs' either. 

I have a small in home daycare and when they leave messes around the house it affects the orderliness of what I am doing during the day so if I don't pick it up it is left for the little ones to get into. Believe me I have orgainized areas for them to drop off their shoes, coats, back packs and yet it does not get put away... 

I need to be direct and follow through... any suggestions on the approach to take at this point. 

It is causing me to resent and be angry with them and I want to love and enjoy them before they all leave .... I always feel like the 'bad guy' parent... always the one that requires something of them...


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

For the inhome daycare, you could throw away anything left laying around. Bet they only do it once 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

My daughter is in her third year of college and my son is a high school senior, both live with me. I let them do how they please in their own rooms but the rest of the house needs to look decent. If (and when) they leave stuff lying around I toss it on their bed in their room, dishes, books, shoes, blankets, clothes, whatever, I don't discriminate. Funny thing is my daughter is ten times worse than my son, overall she is a much more responsible and mature kid, she's just messy.


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## Ittakestwo (Apr 22, 2012)

I felt that I had to be direct and clear with my kids today. So here is what I did...

I called them each to the family room individually. My older two who are adults have now been given an amount of rent that they will pay on May 1st. ( i will tuck it way for them when they move out).. they were given a warning over two months ago that this would happen if they didn't step up and they chose not to step up

I then told them that they would be given a house hold chore each day based on what needed done that day. I will consider their schedules but they will be required to something each day 

I explained to them that that I was beginning to resent them for their 'spirit of entitlement" the fact that they were being disrespectful to our family as a whole for not contributing.

My two High School children were told that they will come home from school each day, be given work to do and then they could do homework... after that they have their free time. They will not be paid at this time for their work, they must contribute because they are part of our family.

The posts helped me to buck up... that may sound silly but I need some moral support to keep me consitant... on the follow through. 

I love my children and have such a close relationship with them up until the last 3 years.. I told them I would love to be close to them but it's up to each of us to work at it and when they constantly take what we offer for granted I begin to resent the situation and them and now i need to work through forgiving them and enjoying them.

I have sent my boundaries... I really want to follow through, not to be the militant mom but to teach them that I'm not messing around and they need to be responsible adults/teens.

I am feeling some 'attitude' from them... they actually have never been kids that would 'mouth back' so that is not happening but feel some anger from my directness about how they are acting... 

I told them that if they are angry they will hopefully work through it and some day understand that i did what was best for them in the long run and it's because I love them and want to seem them be healthy, contributing adults in their lifetime.


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## gofish (Mar 16, 2012)

I just read an article on this issue this morning! With so many adult children living with their parents these days, you see this problem all the time. It's not just you. Oh, if you're interested, the article I read is found here. It's through Focus on the Family, where I work. There's also a series they offer on parenting adult children, which you can check out.

Hope these help. If it makes any difference, I think it is good that you are having your kids do their part. Humans of all ages find value in being contributing members to their community. Even my 4-year-old empties garbage cans and helps clear the table, and he knows that we value his help! :smthumbup:


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Let them know that you'll assume anything not put in it's place is not important to them, so you'll donate it for them. Follow through. When they complain (and they will) simply say, "I'm sure it's hard, but I'm not responsible for your things. If you want to keep things, put them away." My children are 4, 5, and 9. They know if they don't pick up when told I'll keep their things until they earn it back by showing me they can be responsible with their possessions. Your children should be beyond that stage.

My oldest kept leaving things in his pockets, so I kept checking them and removing items before doing laundry. I'd talk to him about it, but sure enough we'd have the same problem the next time. Finally I told him I was wasting too much of my time digging through his pockets and I would no longer be doing so. It took me washing two decks of pokemon cards and one DS game before it clicked, but he now understands he has to protect the items he'd like to keep. 

You should have a talk with your H, but even if he continues to slack, you still need to step up and show them real consequences. Instead of preparing your children for the real world, you're shielding them from it. You need to fit a lot of lesson learning into a very short amount of time. It will be a very difficult time for your entire family. Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I have nightmares over my kids staying past age 20


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My kids are 18, 20 and 22 and thankfully none are living at home right now. But they've all moved out in the past year.

They all know how to clean, but living at home they all just chose not to. I would wake up in the morning and my kitchen would be a DISASTER from someone having a late night snack, food would just disappear, they seemed incapable of putting dishes in the dishwasher. I used to freak on them then clean it all up. Did nothing. Then I tried leaving it alone till they got the hint. Nope - their mess tolerance level is much higher than mine. 

The boys (the two oldest) both lived in the basement so I finally just started moving all their mess down there. Dishes, clothes, garbage, whatever. I just put it down there and closed the door and never went down there. Literally. That seemed to work - every once in a while they'd have a girl coming over and they'd do a flurry of cleaning. Or they'd need money and take their empties back. 

Thankfully my daughter has never been bad - she's a tad OCD and actually cleaned the kitchen more thoroughly than me for the last couple of years.

Anyway, I feel your pain. Just know that they DO move out eventually. 

Oh and as for rent - mine didn't have to pay if they were in school. If they were not in school they had to pay.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

When we were a co-joined family, my STBXW absolutely refused to make her kids do a damned thing and always resented me ever saying anything to them about it. She also resented my picking up after them; my rationale was that I did not want to live in a pig stye nor did I want our friends and neighbors coming into our home seeing it in that sad of a shape. STBXW's reply was that my cleaning up after her kids was simply "enabling them!; that they must learn to do it on their own." Fact of the matter was that they were never going to do a thing to clean up. Their job description was pretty much to drink alcohol, smoke(legal & illegal), eat and throw food around, totally mess up the house, unapologetically tear up furniture, and stay out all night pretty much on "Mama's dime!"

Now during the separation, I have my own kids with me and they seem to have a keen sense of pride about their home and willingly want to help keep it cleaned up. I thank God for them everyday!

I guess that the only viable explanation that I can offer up is that having a clean house that we can all be so very proud of is just a fringe benefit of the separation!


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## Ittakestwo (Apr 22, 2012)

Thanks everyone... all your posts are helpful and insightful and some very made me smile. 

I have been very clear with each of the girls and when they got home today they were not allowed to do anything until the chores I assigned them for today were done. they did it! 

The older two (college) also have assigned jobs that need to be done.

I have told them that if they leave things lying around that i will go ahead and assume that I can sell it on CL... 

I love them all and want to have healthy mother/daughter relationships with them.. told them that it starts with their respect of our household and family members.


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## girl friday (Jan 14, 2012)

Just thought I'd share something my eldest said to me a couple of weeks ago that made me smile.

He is almost 20 and has moved in with his father in a flatting situation and its him that is complaining about his father not pulling his weight and not cleaning up his mess.

Who would have thought it would be the son complaining about the father .... not me. There is hope. Stay strong and things will work out in the end.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Do you end up picking up after them to keep peace? Stop doing it. Your kids will get tired of not having clean clothes or dishes. It might gross you out not to do it, but they are adults now. If they are living there rent free, eating y'alls food, using y'alls electricity and water, make them appreciate what they have. _Posted via Mobile Device_


This seems like it would be a no brainer.

Stop cleaning up after them and sooner or later they`ll notice the mess and do something about it.

In reality it`s often scary.

I tried using this tactic and all it got me after a couple of weeks is a truly disgusting living situation and I`m the only one it seemed to bother.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I have nightmares over my kids staying past age 20


Be afraid, be very afraid.


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