# How do you handle disagreements in parenting style?



## onthefence31

One of the many things that my husband of 6 years and I have not seen eye to eye on is when it comes to our now 4 year old daughter. When she was a baby, he didn't want to pick her up when she cried, thought that it would make her only cry more. I am more into attachment style parenting, picked her up so she would be comforted. He was not concerned about baby-proofing (just lazy I think), said that she should just not touch certain things, thought we would have to just make sure she didn't fall down the stairs instead of installing a good baby gate, and didn't want to secure anything to the wall, didn't want to damage furniture like bookcases. I had to go out and buy everything, and install it myself with his drill when he wasn't there. He is also very impatient with her. When we were driving back from seeing our in-laws at Thanksgiving who live 2 1/2 hours away, he got upset because our daughter said that she had to go potty. He was angry because this happened a few minutes after we had stopped to get gas and at that point she said that she did not have to potty. I told him that he should be glad that she can tell us, better that he pull over instead of her going in her carseat. Recently he has been very angry when she will not stay in her bed, yells at her. I have to get up very early for work, so I usually get her ready for bed and then he helps if she gets up because he doesn't have to work until noon. I have to get up and tell him to knock off the yelling, it definately does not help her to relax or feel comfortable going to sleep. Sometimes I don't know why I'm even staying with him. I think because it would be hard on our daughter for me to leave because of financial reasons. But then again if I don't leave, I don't want her to be emotionally hurt because of how he treats her. Anyone ever been in this situation?


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## Blanca

onthefence31 said:


> Sometimes I don't know why I'm even staying with him. I think because it would be hard on our daughter for me to leave because of financial reasons. But then again if I don't leave, I don't want her to be emotionally hurt because of how he treats her.


I dont have kids, so im not entirely sure, but it sounds like he is really frustrated and he's taking it out on his daughter. What is going on between you two that you dont want to be with him anymore? I think the stress from your relationship is coming out in the parenting aspect of your child. You two need to reconnect.


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## draconis

Some people make better parents than others, but some men don't like the fact that they have to share attention with a wife and child.

draconis


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## swedish

Parenting requires a lot of patience, which your husband seems to lack. I would recommend finding some good parenting books and discussing what you find with him...not when he's in the midst of doing something you don't agree with, but in general conversation. Maybe if he hears it from a professional standpoint he will be more inclined to listen. If you continue on this way (been there done that) you will likely take on more and more of the parenting role so he doesn't get upset with your daughter and you may build resentment towards your husband and it can be difficult to want to stay together if you are too far down that road.


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## Amplexor

swedish said:


> Parenting requires a lot of patience, which your husband seems to lack. I would recommend finding some good parenting books and discussing what you find with him...not when he's in the midst of doing something you don't agree with, but in general conversation. Maybe if he hears it from a professional standpoint he will be more inclined to listen. If you continue on this way (been there done that) you will likely take on more and more of the parenting role so he doesn't get upset with your daughter and you may build resentment towards your husband and it can be difficult to want to stay together if you are too far down that road.


:iagree:


…..and with Drac

Some are better then others but shrieking at a child in this manner is damaging to the child. The books are a great idea but you need to both have an understanding of what is positive for your daughter and what is not. My wife and I have different styles of parenting but we look at those as complements to each other. When one of us gets frustrated with a situation or behavior we ask the other to try. Have a conversation with your husband about the flash point with her settling in to bed. Discuss it from the health of the child’s perspective, not in an accusatory way. Point out to him the things he does well as a parent to help the conversation stay positive. Just because he lacks some skills now doesn’t mean he won’t improve. Parenting is an educational process for us all and few end up parenting the way they started. In most cases we get better.


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## justean

im afraid im stil the protector of my children over my H. but that just comes from being a mum.
you wil always have disagreements and you wil always protect her.
just try and get him to talk to his daughter rather than shouting.
we all lose our temper at the smallest of things. 
im guilty of that.
sometimes and this might help.
look at your own actions - i bet sometimes you shout and there wil be more moments in the future. 
but the fact that your H does it and yes i do agree through my own H, that my H has a totally different manner and his temper with the boys came down to lack of patience and understanding. hes better now, but he points out how bad i can get at times.
i suppose he is right and sometimes i can be just as nasty.
so what im trying to say. you should both look at eachother and try to communicate to reduce the lack of yelling.
when i was 4 my father according to mum, smacked the crap out of me for wetting the bed.
im not innocent for my own actions at times. 
but i see this as frustration and children growing up and being that your children and you doing your best for them. 
like today my son went missing after school.
i tell you its scary. parenting is learning all the time and its scary .
just ask H to talk rather than shout and explain. 
but at some point you wil both shout again. because another issue will rear its head.
took my H 13 yrs to talk better and communicate with our sons and be a better father.


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## tinkerbell

Hi,
My Husband and I disagree alot over parenting as Justean said she is guilty of shouting too and i admit i am too. However, my daughter is 2yrs 3 months and i know that when the potty training happens and she says in car he will also be like your husband. I am in the process of leaving my husband due to many problems, i am scared, for financial reasons (but have since realised that i cant stay for this reason), having a broken home and possibly divorce behind me and of course putting my child through this but in the long run i believe its going to be worthwhile. My husband works away alot but when he is home he cant be bothered with her, have a park opposite our house but has taken her only handful of times, he has tried a bit but not enough unfortunately and not consistently and what i find really hard is that he swears in front of her and she has picked this up and using these words, i know she will learn them but at 2 when she doesnt realise they are naughty words is just out of order.
I hope you have the courage to do what you think is right - whether that be staying in relationship and sitting down and talking in the hope that these problems will improve (and i hope this option works for you)? Or leave, just try to stay strong and positive x


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## GAsoccerman

raising kids is a tough job and it isa a 24 hr a day job.

we have three kids, and we both have yelled at them, sometimes for stupid things. But mainly we are good parents and our kids are spoiled.

Have a talk with your husband, ask him why did he yell at her? get mad to when I just start a long drive and we just ot in the car from a break and a mile down the road my son says he has to go potty. The old rule of thumb is you tell them to go potty before you leave on your trip. My youngest always says, "I don't have to go potty" I'll reply back, "ok, well how about we just try and see if anything comes out." he always ends up going. I high five him and wash our hands together.

you have to think about that it is a little person, you need to let them make decisions, but steer them into making a right decision.

I am sure your father was yelled at allot as a child, I do yell at my children when I am tired and cranky, they come to realize this and I will warn them that I am tired and cranky, so they behave and sometimes they don't.

Maybe sometime you should Record your husband, then play it back for him when he is in a better mood....let him see what he is doing, he may not realize it. 

as for the "child safety stuff" first kid our house was "child proof" by the third kid we were at...."they'll survive!" 

I think you are being over sensitive, he does need to chill a bit, but talk to him and show him... Some yelling is good, even a spanking. But it has to be for something serious like "crayon drawing on the ceiling!" or "throwing daddy's expensive CD collection all around the living room and stomping on them!"

rule of thumb, when you are going on trips, make your kid go to bathroom a minute before you leave and stop every hour maybe hour and a half, their bladders are smaller.


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