# Anyone have a problem being the focus of a joke of "just" teasing?



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Yesterday, I triggered again. Why....because I found a mouse in my apartment, I put down some sticky paper and within the hour the mouse was....well...history.

I triggered because I had mentioned this mouse problem before; I use regulalry electromagentic devices.....which, obviously are not enough. I do not want to use poison as I don't want mice dying within the walls. so that leaves mouse traps and sticky paper.


and my fiancé wants to "joke" that I am a sadistic woman. 

We were going to a performance yesterday but I just had to mention how upset the memory made me since I had to take care of it.

Anyone else having to deal with remarks made in gest that seemed more a like a set up.......ie, she can be sadistic person, therefore, what does it matter what I do.....


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Pest control isn't sadistic. I guess if I found any truth to the joke it may bother me, but I mostly think in linear terms. Sadism and pest control just don't jibe to be.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

This is inappropriate (however understandable) humor, especially if it bother you


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I think it was just that, a"joke" when your b/f made that comment.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I was a poor "joker" early in our marriage. Wife had to, repeatedly, let me know where the line was. Yes, I think part was to I was young but also we had different line placements. How did he react when you told him? Was the first time?

As to mice, and this comes from guy who has more than one occasion shrieked at the sight of a mouse, one word, cat.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I have a serious problem with "jokes" that reveal the speaker's thoughts but are used to deliver a hurtful message without taking responsibility. 

For instance, if your guy really does think you're mean and uses the mouse thing to "joke" that you're sadistic, then I'd see it as him trying to hurt you and make himself look innocent in the process. Yes, I'd be furious about it if it was me and wouldn't take much of that at all.

But if I knew he thinks I'm a kind person and I know that there's not a grain of truth about him thinking I'm sadistic, it wouldn't bother me at all.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I have a serious problem with "jokes" that reveal the speaker's thoughts but are used to deliver a hurtful message without taking responsibility.


I don't like this either. 

It's like the I was drunk excuse.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Get a cat. Works better than every mouse trapping device and it doubles as pet.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Cats are great if a) you aren't allergic, or b) you happen to like them or c) both.

As low maintenance as cats can be lots of people don't care for them as pets. 

Sticky paper is a good way to dispose of mice. At least it gets them OUT of the walls. The thought of dead mice in the walls gives me the heebie jeebies.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

my ex used to say there's a lot of truth in jest. 

i happen to agree and I find it extremely annoying when people use funny hahas as a way to vent their thoughts instead of speaking their mind outright.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

You can't have comedy without tragedy. Someone always suffers from humor.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Could you tell his intent? I mean, was there a hint of "admiration" that you did this? When you first started telling your story I assumed you were a man who's wife was emasculating him for not killing the mouse properly. So when I realized you are a woman, I tried to put myself in your husband's shoes. I've often joked about our cat being a little killer, always with a bit of admiration that she still has that killer instinct. Do you feel guilty about killing a mouse?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Two words: "Live Traps". 

Then you are not "sadistic" you are humane and lovely for the kindness you show to sentient beings.

Cats, by comparison to other animals, suck as mousers. While I wouldn't recommend letting a snake hunt them out, I have seen cats A: leave live/dying mice as little "gifts" for you. B: kill and dismember mice, leaving behind pieces of the mouse that weren't delectable enough to eat. C: absolutely nothing. LoL!! Growing up, I had a cat named Misty who would bring me mice and lizards. To my room. Once leaving a lizard head on my bed.

I do not like cats. LoL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> I have a serious problem with "jokes" that reveal the speaker's thoughts but are used to deliver a hurtful message without taking responsibility.


I agree completely. The follow-up responses can also be very telling... Especially if they include, "you're too sensitive", "I can't even joke with you", "you have to get a sense of humor". To me, if these things followed, I would feel "secondarily" put-down... As if the first "jokes" weren't enough.

OP, hopefully your hubby didn't react that way...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I took alot of jokes from my stbxh...and his friends.

I had to repeatedly tell him that(although I usually could take a joke, that sometimes it got old) Especially when I became pregnant( Hed always joke about other women being prettier than me...and usually I wouldve just played along and say "Yeah shes pretty hot" or whatever, but at that point in time, I felt vulnerable and insecure about my looks and he'd always cross the line.


His friends would insult my intelligence because I was a woman and always said things like "Get back in the kitchen" or "Dont you have to clean something?" or they all would joke, telling my him that he better "keep me in line" (usually insinuating that he should beat me)


It just gets hurtful after awhile.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

abandonmentissues said:


> I took alot of jokes from my stbxh...and his friends.
> 
> I had to repeatedly tell him that(although I usually could take a joke, that sometimes it got old) Especially when I became pregnant( Hed always joke about other women being prettier than me...and usually I wouldve just played along and say "Yeah shes pretty hot" or whatever, but at that point in time, I felt vulnerable and insecure about my looks and he'd always cross the line.
> 
> ...


Ugg. I'm guilty of this. I've said before 'honey the men are talking now, why don't you refill our beers'. But it truly was just a joke. I said the same thing to my mother. And we weren't even drinking beer.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Could you tell his intent? I mean, was there a hint of "admiration" that you did this? When you first started telling your story I assumed you were a man who's wife was emasculating him for not killing the mouse properly. So when I realized you are a woman, I tried to put myself in your husband's shoes. I've often joked about our cat being a little killer, always with a bit of admiration that she still has that killer instinct. Do you feel guilty about killing a mouse?


I don't feel guilty about killing a mouse. I use sticky paper and when I see them stuck to the paper I throw them in the trash and put it outside in the trash bin. My fiance tried to promote the idea of using the spring traps as they don't live as long after getting caught and therefore more humane.

But I think and I have been caught with this before in other situations that this is more of a set up to demonise me. 

We had this discussion about mice earlier in our relationship when he was still in contact with his just a friend ex. And I recall, it was one of things he brought last year, the night his just a friend ex had a St. Pat's day pub crawl to which he was not invited. It was interestingly, the first time we had spent a Sunday together as our rhythm up to then was Friday to Sunday morning. 

I called him on it later on also adding the fact that I knew that that weekend was particularly in his relationship with his EA (just a friend ex).

Just interested in other people's experiences when situation is used to demonise you to justify your partner's (or anyone else's for that) choice of actions.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Ugg. I'm guilty of this. I've said before 'honey the men are talking now, why don't you refill our beers'. But it truly was just a joke. I said the same thing to my mother. And we weren't even drinking beer.


Dont feel bad. I could usually take jokes.

But they went on and on and on.

And I just wished that once, he would've just been like "Okay guys, knock it off"

But instead he used my insecurities against me.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

abandonmentissues said:


> Dont feel bad. I could usually take jokes.
> 
> But they went on and on and on.
> 
> ...


Some remarks can be funny or charming, once or twice but they can get old fast.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Some remarks can be funny or charming, once or twice but they can get old fast.


Ugg, why didn't anyone tell me this sooner, oh wait W did. Why didn't I listen sooner. I became happier when I stop with some of my fav "jokes".


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I was teased A LOT by my dad and his 6 brothers. I was painfully shy so I made a good target. They had all kinds of laughs at my expense.

As a result I do not like to be the focus of a joke and I especially wouldn't appreciate being called "sadistic" not matter what the source.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Ugg. I'm guilty of this. I've said before 'honey the men are talking now, why don't you refill our beers'. But it truly was just a joke. I said the same thing to my mother. And we weren't even drinking beer.


My husband and his friends say stuff like this to me and it doesn't phase me at all. I dish it back at them. But then, they also admit I'm a better "guy" to have along on a fishing trip than some of the guys who go. That kind of inclusion is exactly what makes it funny to me when one of them says something like this.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

When I say this kind of thing, the irony is what is supposed to make it funny. You know, it's because my wife has never gotten me a beer that telling her to 'beer me wench' cracks me up.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Exactly. I'll get my guy a beer anytime he wants one, but he knows the surest way to kill that benefit would be to try demanding of me.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

My teasing was always the type that was mentioned above i.e. sexist. She would always just grin and roll her eyes. That was early in our marriage. I am not sure when it stopped but I do remember what curtailed teasing ( and actually I cannot remember the last time I teased her).

We were hosting a New Year's Party at our place and we invited a ton of her friends, siblings and their wives etc. Towards the end of the night we were just sharing humorous stories of our youth and yuking it up at bit. I was telling about something that had happened to me as a teen and one of her brothers friends, who I had never met previously, started to mimic me. At first I thought it was strange, it did not stop and it started to become uncomfortable. Some were laughing uncomfortably but what I will never forget was my wife laughing quite comfortably. When I confronted her after she said I was overreacting. I have never forgiven her for this and for 22 years I have been waiting for the get together when I get to pay it back and I will.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

It depends if it was covert behaviour or if it was truly just to joke around. If it was covert I would take exception as it's a deliberate put down in company. My husband constantly used covert behaviour to make me look foolish whilst in company of others, particularly in the company of his mates, he has since realized it's not healthy for our relationship or friendships to degrade me publicly as many times certain company didn't appreciate it either.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Needpeace said:


> It depends if it was covert behaviour or if it was truly just to joke around. If it was covert I would take exception as it's a deliberate put down in company. My husband constantly used covert behaviour to make me look foolish whilst in company of others, particularly in the company of his mates, he has since realized *it's not healthy for our relationship or friendships to degrade me publicly as many times certain company didn't appreciate it either*.


that, or certain "friends" start to understand that they can degrade the wife (in this situation) because the husband does it already.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> that, or certain "friends" start to understand that they can degrade the wife (in this situation) because the husband does it already.


:iagree: totally, and it really hurts when this domino affect happens.

Not to mention the added empowerment gained by the husband


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## mrsball (Sep 18, 2012)

Sometimes things are said in jest that would never be said seriously, other times they cover a truth.

My H was raised in a family where truth is often delivered in a 'humourous' way, so that if the other party is offended it can be passed of as 'just a joke' - he has brought this behaviour with him to our marriage.

I don't mind a joke at my own expense, but there are issues which H knows I am sensitive about as I do for him, no man likes jokes about balding, ED, etc

If anything said in jest is hurtful, you need to speak up. I have been told plenty of times by H 'I'm only joking, lighten up' but when I explain to him why that particular comment was hurtful, he can usually (not always) see where the misunderstanding lay.

Also, it is hard to take criticisms expressed as 'jokes' when you never hear anything positve or affirming said. If all you hear is critisism, joking or not, it makes it that much more of a sensitive matter.


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## Samayouchan (Jun 1, 2012)

You're not being sadistic because you dont want the mice to snuggle with you. Hell, I went and bought the 99 cents old wooden mouse traps because i WANTED the rodent DEAD! lol. 

But all that aside, it sounds like you're fiance is being a typical guy. He wants to just poke fun and have a great laugh. Just remember that you can play this joke game too! My husband and I banter back and forth all the time and honestly you can't take it personally. It just gives you more ammo to fire back at him! Seems he wants to be your bud to share a joke with as well as your husband and theres nothing wrong with that ^-^ just shows how much you mean to him when he wants to treat you as his best friend =) EDIT : Although no offense to any guys on the forum, they are a bit hard headed and thick some times and may not realize that he may touch on a sensitive subject by mistake. :Let him know what he can and cant joke about with you so hurt feelings can be avoided ^^


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I always tell my wife to get over me taking the p-ss outta her hair because in the end, whatever she does something stupid I'm ALWAYS going to blame it on her hair

Too bad 

LOL I tell her that it's a compliment because she's smart in spite of it and she gets even more p-ssed :rofl: so cute xD


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## Samayouchan (Jun 1, 2012)

[email protected] "I'm ALWAYS going to blame it on her hair'


sounds like me. =p bottled blonde. hell ive been known to blame that on things ive done myself XD


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LOL well at least you're cool with it

My wife aint :rofl: Or perhaps she is but just gives me the reaction anyways, we have our weird dynamics going on lol


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Maybe this is the difference between men and women. I was talking about this with a friend and we were contemplating how we do tease other people.

I think I do play it safe and never do negative teasing. If I tease someone, it's positive, for example, my friend showed me a photo of her husband in the 80s......and yes he had big hair back then. I teased her by asking her what band was he in. I can't imagine asking her why on earth was your husband wearing that ridiculous hairdo.

So with my fiancé.......he is chubby. the only time I have discussed his weight is when he has told me that doctors have suggested that he lose some weight due to issues like high blood pressure......but

in our early days, 2 years ago when he was still the same weight as he is now, he teased me about having a muffin top when I sit down. I really wanted to say "great, coming from someone who dating a woman who is self professed 50 pounds overweight and who himself needs to lose weight to save his life." But I let it go at that time.


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