# Nice Guy or a Guy that is Nice?



## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

This is what NMMNG is about.

dating-donts-the-difference-between-nice-guys-and-guys-who-are-nice

If you see yourself in her words, you might be a "Nice Guy", but not a guy who is nice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, that says it.

Once huge clue for determining if he's a "Nice Guy" is that he's passive aggressive. This comes out over time when he does things as a covert contract.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

The "Nice Guy" phenomenon is most definitely a personality flaw, but a lot of the blog style criticism on the internet comes from entirely the wrong people.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

This whole "nice guy" thing seems to be getting blown out of proportion, twisted, and labeled into something that is akin to other types of stereotyping that society condemns. 

How will it end up? 

Hey, that guy has this color skin, he must be: ( Fill in the blank-- arrogant, lazy, oppressive, entitled, stupid, dangerous)

Hey, that guy is nice. He must be: (a loser, bad husband, insecure, selfish, poorly endowed)


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Forest said:


> Hey, that guy is nice. He must be: (a loser, bad husband, insecure, selfish, poorly endowed)


The term is probably poorly coined. Like EleGirl said, it revolves around a "Covert contract" which are unstated expectations in exchange for good deeds.

When my daughters were small, they each went through a phase right around the age of three where the word, “Sharing” meant that you had something they wanted. They understood the altruism inherent in the concept of sharing, but only in the singular sense. They did not grasp its mutuality. 

If we were to place the entitlement mentality of a three year old on one end of the spectrum, the, “Covert giver” would be at the extreme opposite end. Covert givers understand the mutuality of personal relationships well enough, but they deliberately use it as a tool to create indebtedness and obligation. You're maneuvered into a situation where it's very uncomfortable to say, "No."

Entitled takers and Covert givers can cast stones at each other until hell freezes over, but in the end, they are both equally wrong. And that is my objection to a lot of the criticism I've read on the internet. You do a little digging and read what else the author has written and it becomes apparent what part of the spectrum they're coming from.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Yep, that says it.
> 
> Once huge clue for determining if he's a "Nice Guy" is that he's passive aggressive. This comes out over time when he does things as a covert contract.


As a former "Nice Guy" I have to agree with you. I always tried to do things that I thought a good husband should do. However, I also did things that would fall under as a "covert contract". I was passive aggressive at times too.

Nothing like adultery to give you a reality check. I will never be that guy again.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> As a former "Nice Guy" I have to agree with you. I always tried to do things that I thought a good husband should do. However, I also did things that would fall under as a "covert contract". I was passive aggressive at times too.
> 
> Nothing like adultery to give you a reality check. I will never be that guy again.


Not to mention when you're doing everything to please them and your happiness is gauged on theirs. 

I got taken advantage of in every way. It's made me more cynical, more of a realist, less forgiving, and more upfront. As a small example, I bought FWW birthday presents, she bought me none. She went out and did things while I watched the kids. I asked her to do things with me, while she spent time with OM(Of course I didn't know it at the time). I would have done anything for her. Even after I found out about her cheating I tried to reason and "nice" her into R. That was when I caught on to the game.

I did what movies and pop culture said I should do. 

Classic door mat nice guy. But when a nice guy gets burned so bad, just like a little kid they learn. 

It's a fine line to walk between not being a jerk, but not getting taken advantage of. I'm not perfect, but I strive for balance. I will not live like that again.


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