# Just not able to let go and move on



## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Hi I am new on here and keen for some advice. 

i am 31 and a doctor. I have been with my husband for 14 years. We have been married for 2. I do an incredibly stressful job in a very competitive area of medicine. 

We both come from the same area of the country and we had a lovely life with all our family around us until we married. @ weeks after we married i took up my new job 220 miles away from our home. I had to live in hospital accommodation for 8 months apart from my hubbie until he was able to find a new job. 
I have had depression before when i live away from home during medical school. So i was very worried about living on my own again. So i worked really hard and started to take on too much work. 

My husband moved up in april2010. I thought we were going to have a wonderful new life together. His new job was 45 mins commute away. But unfortunately i started to work excessively and became a workaholic and very stressed. I did not feel able to tell him that i was not coping/did not like this new job that i had made him move for. 
I was working >100 hours a week and when i came home i was stressed and grumpy and had to do work at home. 

He, on reflection did fire warning shots like 'why are you working so hard, why don't you say no to your boss, we never got to the cinema etc.' But he never once sat me down and said he was unhappy. His warning shots were not landing on target. 
I kept saying at working 'if i keep working these hours my husband will leave me' but because we were married i never thought it would actually happen. 

well it did 8 weeks ago. He said he had been unhappy for 6 months and felt we had grown apart. He cited reasons such as i was boring, i never went out, i was too intelligent for him, he could not relate to my friends, he was holding me back in my career, he felt he did not love me enough like a wife etc. 
He told me he had been having a emotional affair with an ex work colleague for 3 months and had 'really strong feelings for her'

So he left and went to stay at his brother's. I wrote him a letter about how i had realised that i was a workaholic and that i hated my job and was going to change. I told him how much i loved him etc. So he came back but he never really tried. He was still thinking about this other woman. 
In the end i told him to make a decision and he said it was over. I then left and came back home to my parents. 

In the first few weeks i would ring him and beg and cry. I stalked his family and friends trying to get them to change his mind. I wrote letters, sent him books everything i could. 

I then backed off and he rang me and we had a lovely conversation. I then went back to leicester cos i had work stuff and counselling to sort out for a week (he remains in our house to look after our cat). So that we he was being lovely and friendly, we went on walks, i gave him a massage for his bad back. I then spoke to him about reconciliation and he said he had made his decision. 

I came home to my parents again and have been off sick. I am very depressed and have been suicidal. I am trying the 180 approach but it is very hard. 
I text him yesterday and he said he had not slept with her yet, but refused to tell me if he had seen her or kissed her (she is 2 hours away from him). He said it was definitely over between us. 

He said he really loved me when we married and when he moved up. In his 1st anniversary card last june he wrote about loving me forever. I cannot understand how it has disintegrated so quickly. how he did not fight for us, how he can walk away and move on so quickly.

I have to go back to leicester in 3 weeks and face living in that house on my own. He will move to his brothers. I have no friends or family up there. I will be all alone. I cannot get a job back home for 6-12months. 
I desperately want to come back home but he loves his new job and living in leicester. he has said he does not want to come home. 


I want him back so much, i just don't know what to do. People say i have to let go and move on. He has made his decision. 
But i know he made his decision when he was confused and hurting. This woman is an infatuation, there is no way he can make that long distance relationship work. 
I don't know if i can have him back if he sleeps with her. 
I don't know how to get him back. 

I know i should move on, that i deserve better, that i can find another man, that my new life might be happier and i will be stronger. But i simply want him back right now. 

I am worried if i move home he will be lost for ever. Part of me thinks he is so proud that even if he realises his mistake he will never say. 


any advice will be much welcomed

(sorry for long post)


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Are there any members of your family who are available to go to this house with you so that you do not have to go alone? I think it is usual to do this, in my extended family when I was much much younger we had some older but not aged aunties who would travel around to whomever in the family needed them for assistance at home or in life. Some people will say it is a cop-out that you need to learn to live on your own and be independent. Personally, unless your family is unhealthy, I think that such independent, grow a stiff lip thinking is BS. If you have family available to go with you as you have a need to go, then that is my suggestion.

Your family that goes with you can make sure that you maintain a balance of home and work life. You changed when you put yourself in an environment where you could not cope, without providing the necessary supports that you needed in order to cope, which you clearly identified as your family. You cannot go back and change history now, but you can avoid making the same mistake twice. This falls under the category of taking care of yourself so that you might seem capable of doing the things you need to do to be available for your husband, should he choose to come back. He was in love with you the way you are when you are coping. I would go with that. If he does not change his mind, you are still doing the right thing because you know you function best when you have your family around. There's certainly no shame or weakness in that!


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

sadly there is not family that are able to do that. I will be a case of going there and getting on with it alone and hoping that a job will come up at home asap. I think realistically it will be 6-8 months before a slot is free. I am not sure if it is worth the hassle and cost of moving for 6 months out of that house. 
In a sick way i keep him tethered too, he wants to get his own flat and 'move on' but as long as i stay in that house (we rent it) he has agreed to keep paying his share so i stop him moving on. 
Just like now me being at home stops him moving in with his brother. this sounds cruel but it is the only power/control i have over him.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

:-(
Have sympathy for yourself. 
It is okay to do that.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Your husband, likely justifiably, feels that you have chosen your job over him, likely time and time again. Talk is not going to cut it, but action.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Killing yourself is never an option. You have so much to live for, and you might as well start living it;o) Speaking from experience all of the emotional happenings now do get better. Be careful with yourself and your heart. Hard to believe a man who disrupt everything in his life for someone he has not connected with.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

I do feel very guilty about the way i gave myself to work. It was my dream job. I had worked 12 years to get there. I made my husband leave his family and move half way across the country to be with me. When i got there the job was not what i thought, it was really tough and as the main provider i felt that i could not just turn round and say i did not like it or that i was not coping. I was firing my own warning shots. My behaviour over the past 6-8 months has been bordering on manic and totally stressed. I just could not face to myself that i was not coping that i was depressed. I thought if i worked harder it would get better. 

This has been such a wake up call for me. All i want is to be a good doctor, work 9-5ish, be a wife, have a family and be near my family. I do not want to be on call 24hours a day doing a very traumatic and stressful job that i feel crap at. 
I never really imagined he would leave me. 


everyone says it is a big step for such a laid back man to make out of the blue and be so decisive. He promises nothing happened before we split. (there is no way he could have seen her as i have know his whereabouts and she is over 1 hour away). I have know him 14 years so i know when he is lying. he guilt shows on his face. There were signs but due to my depression and burnout i just ignored them. 

he seems so very sure of his decision. He said to me he 'just wants a simple life, to go to work and come home and not be stressed'. Me being stressed and unhappy made him stressed. 
He thought that working like that was what i wanted. If only we had talked. I was never going to be a stay at home mum and cook his dinner every night but he knew that when he married me. 

do people think if i get my depression under control, go back up there, be brave and strong, change job that he will come back. 
should i just give up and move on. put it down to a big mistake and take the wake up call and leave him to be with this woman. 

Will he see that the grass is not greener and come back. Can i ever trust him. Will any man ever take on a depressive workaholic control freak like me. 

I have royally screwed up my marriage, my career and my health. it's a total disaster.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

You need to make up your mind as to what you are willing to do to save your marriage. 

Once you have done this, then share it with him and see what he says. You are a DR, I would hope that there are a range of jobs that you could move into. 

I think you want to save your marriage. I hope you do save it!


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

You would think being a dr there would be loads of jobs but i am a forensic pathologist, so options are limited. 
I have decided that that career has to go. It is not a nice career for a young woman and will never give me a good lifestyle and will always be stressful. 

i have told him/ he has seen the career crisis i am going through. I don't think he expected me to say it. i think he thought i would say 'yeah you have been holding me back, i want my career more than you, ****** off'. But it was quite the opposite. He knows this but he is adamant about his decision and feels this will be the best for us both in the end. 


I may add this is not the first time. When i was at medical school we lived 200 miles apart for 4 years. During my second year he said he could not cope with the long distance relationship and dumped me (before my exams). I got depressed because of this. we had been together 4 years then. We were apart 5-6 months and then he started to sniff around. we got back together and then he told me he had slept with someone 3 weeks after we split (he had only slept with me at this point). I kissed someone else during this time but nothing else. We got back together and worked on it and i learnt to trust him again. I remained depressed until i came home from medical school to start work as a doctor. we were really happy until i move to this new job. 

He seems to just do a runner when things get a bit tough. He seems to take the cowards way out.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

do people think a 180 will work, or should i just let go?

how do you let go, its so painful. 
will the hope of reconciliation ever go?


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Text him today to say I have formally abandoned the textbook i was writing and have dropped by PHD. I am trying to show him that i want to change my life and can be how i was 2 years ago when he loved me a married me. 

I really am not the career ***** i seem. I just want my husband back and to try again to show him how much i love him and how important he is. 

How do i do this. Please people any advice no matter how harsh would be appreciated. 

Is HE worth the risk of taking back? Could he do a runner next time things get tough e.g. babies.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I work with forensic pathologists, and I imagine you get called at all hours, like I do. On the bright site your patients wont miss you. 

The thing about 180 is it puts you in a place to cope no matter what the outcome. 

You are making some very tough decissions and steps, hopefully he will see this. You will be OK! Best wishes.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Not contacted him for a 5days now. Not spoke to him on phone for 2 weeks. 
Still feeling in total denial and totally confused. I have heard he has still not been to see this other woman- i have know his whereabouts since i came home. I wonder why he has not been to see her. What is holding him back. Could this be a good sign. 

I go back in 2 weeks. He does not know this. I am waiting for him to ask he when i am coming back. waiting for him to contact me. 
Need to text him to tell him i am coming back. Need him to move out but don;t want to put that in the text. Assuming he will know that i mean that. But of course i don;t want him to move out. I want him to be there asking for another chance when i get home. Hoping for reconciliation. Hoping for my husband back. 

just keep sitting hoping he will come back to me. How do i get him back. How long do i wait for him to come to his senses and see that the grass is not greener with her or on his own. 6months????

do most men in our situation come back???? could we ever sort it out?

i feel so low and upset today. i want to reach out to him, but know it would push him away. desperately trying the 180.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

drsparkle said:


> do people think a 180 will work, or should i just let go?
> 
> how do you let go, its so painful.
> will the hope of reconciliation ever go?


The 180 degrees rules are not meant to manipulate your husband to end his affair but to help you become emotionally stronger so that you can move on with your life with or without him.

You may not have been the perfect spouse, but who among us is? *He is solely responsible for choosing to have an affair. There is no excuse for his infidelity, none.* 

Long distance relationships are hard, just look at military couples, but many make them work because they are not afraid to seek help from others. But as you yourself said, your husband chose the cowardly way out.

For what it's worth, you are not alone.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

drsparkle said:


> just keep sitting hoping he will come back to me. How do i get him back. How long do i wait for him to come to his senses and see that the grass is not greener with her or on his own. 6months????
> 
> desperately trying the 180.


Hoping for him to come to his senses will drive you off the deep end. I did it for months. I am off the deep end and struggling right now to find my way back.

The 180 strengthens you. You are the only one you can control. Work on improving yourself for you, not in order to try to win him back.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Hey, what is this 180 thing? Can i have a link? Im not divorcing but i am going thru a very hard breakup. Thank you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

1-12-t1 said:


> Hey, what is this 180 thing? Can i have a link? Im not divorcing but i am going thru a very hard breakup. Thank you.


*The 180 degree rules*


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Hells bells i broke the no contact rule and had to ring him over the house stuff. Probelms with names on policies etc. But also because we need to discuss him moving out and what he will take. And also about me buying him out and starting divorce proceedings. 

he was very evasive about making decision, then after a few mins i started asking him to come back for another try, to see if he can regain his love. etc. 

He is standing my his decision. He is now seeing this woman and has kissed her. the pain of this is immense. After 14 years he can move on so quickly to kiss another woman with 10 weeks.
I went through every single emotion with him on the phone anger, swearing, crying begging etc. 


How can he not see that by leaving me and living on his own in a tiny flat with his no friends to have a relationship with a girl 2 hours away is going to last. He is going to see that the grass was not greener and realise i was the best thing he ever gave up. I loved him unconditionally. If only he had given me chance to try again with the changes in place. 

i cannot see why that this is simple infatuation. Nothing will come out of it. He is throwing away his marriage for nothing. 
running away from a hard patch in a marriage. deceitful spineless coward!!

ahh why do i want a many who let be get over worked and burn out, and then left me. WHy did he not help me and tell me i was working too much. Why did he not tell me he was unhappy. 

why is he just walking away, taking the easy route. 
i need to let go i need to move on. but i just can't.
I am so very scared to be on my own when i got back, scare of the long dark lonely evenings. scared that he will never come back. 

how will i ever find a man at 32 who will take me on with past history of depression and anxiety and now a failed marriage. Basically no man will ever look at me again. i am now not going to have a family. my life,marriage and career are in a real mess. 

please help guys


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

drsparkle said:


> Hells bells i broke the no contact rule and had to ring him over the house stuff. Probelms with names on policies etc. But also because we need to discuss him moving out and what he will take. And also about me buying him out and starting divorce proceedings.
> 
> he was very evasive about making decision, then after a few mins i started asking him to come back for another try, to see if he can regain his love. etc.
> 
> ...


Sparkle, I'm a guy. 33 years old. You are NOT too old. Everyone has baggage. Life is hard. You will prosper. Pick yourself up off the mat. Start loving yourself as this is not all your fault. Find your side of things and fix them. Do it for your next relationship because it WILL come.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

I am just so stuck. I simply cannot accept what he is doing. 

he has made it plain and clear, yet i cannot accept it. I am not moving on. It has been 10 weeks now. I am just stuck in limbo waiting for him to come back after he affair burns out. 

what does it take to let go. How do i do it. I need to because i am driving myself crazy thinking about what he is doing with the other woman. Waiting for him to realise his mistake. 

i will only ever be second best now.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

drsparkle said:


> how will i ever find a man at 32 who will take me on with past history of depression and anxiety and now a failed marriage. Basically no man will ever look at me again. i am now not going to have a family. my life,marriage and career are in a real mess.


32? Just here on TAM, I know of several men around 40 (myself included) going through the same garbage. You are by no means too old.



drsparkle said:


> what does it take to let go. How do i do it. I need to because i am driving myself crazy thinking about what he is doing with the other woman. Waiting for him to realise his mistake.
> 
> i will only ever be second best now.


You have to consciously detach from him. Try to drive out all thoughts about him. It sounds much easier than it actually is. It takes time. Yes, you will drive yourself absolutely insane thinking about what they are doing. You are a Dr. You must have a brilliant mind. Use that brilliance to concentrate on something good instead of your stbxh.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Ihave asked him to come to marriage counselling (relate in the uk) we tried one before in the first week we split but counsellor was very harsh on him. 
He has said he would consider it. I have asked for him to come to help me move on not with a view to reconciliation. I will be starting individual counselling soon too.Does anyone know if MC helps separation at all or would just complete cut off help. 
I think i secretly will still be hoping for R for a long time.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

"How will i ever find a man at 32 who will take me on with past history of depression and anxiety and now a failed marriage. Basically no man will ever look at me again. i am now not going to have a family. my life,marriage and career are in a real mess. "

Ok first of all you need to stop sounding like a victim. I don't mean to come off as harsh but with the victim mentality you will never be able to heal.
You were someone before your H and you will be someone without your H. Don't base your self worth and value on whether or not he wants to be with you. You are MORE than that. 
A failed marriage does not make you a failure, it makes you human. But honestly, the last thing you need right now is another relationship. Work on loving you. Be with yourself for now and build yourself up.
I have anxiety/depression also, and are finally on the right combination of meds and have been seeing a therapist for over 7 months now and I am a completely different woman than I was when I started.
Yes I still have bad days and yes at times I still struggle, but I am still here. I am still breathing, I still have wonderful kids, and I still have so much more life to live. With or without my H.

You WILL get through this. I know it seems impossible, but you will. Join a divorce support group, see a therapist, try meditation and yoga. Read self help books on raising your self esteem. You CAN do this. Don't sell yourself short.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

drsparkle said:


> He is standing my his decision. He is now seeing this woman and has kissed her. the pain of this is immense.


 Dumb question is he really seeing another female or is he trying to teach you a lesson ?? If he "really" only kissed her in 10 weeks he is moving slowly with her. 

Any chance to could sit down with him face to face to try one last time to work through it ?? At least you'll feel you tried everything you could.


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## Currant (Mar 18, 2011)

I don't have anything to add that someone else hasn't said already, but *hugs*


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

He is refusing to answer whether he has kissed her. I am assuming his omission to answer if a confirmation. I believe him when he says he has not slept with her yet. But it will only be a matter of time. 
She lives over an hour away so it has been hard for him to see her. I think he is so wracked with guilt seeing her is difficult. But i am sure he will soon get over it. 

He said the other night he wants to get his head straight a bit and make sure its the right thing before he sleeps with her???!!! WTF.
He is still in our house at the moment, cat sitting, until i come back next week when he will be able to move out. He will then live with his brother and be 2 hours away from her. 
What he says and his actions are different and that is why it is confusing me. I know a bit of him is just not sure....

But things do seem to be moving towards him sleeping with her and starting a proper relationship. I should not care really cos we are over but i am wracked with jealousy. 
I just want another try or i want to be over him and not care. 
this limbo is so painful


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

From the way you tell it he isn't totally sure what he wants to do. A heart to heart sit down with hubby might be worth one last shot at it. I seems you two still have strong feelings for each other.

If he wasn't happy with your long hours work schedule and complained he didn't see you enough. Why would he be trying to connect with a female 2 hours away from him. Seems like he is setting himself up for the same prblems all over again.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

The problem is i am 220 miles away at home. I am trying no contact as much as possible. When i have cracked and rang him ie to discuss house issues and finances, i just start crying and begging him, telling him i love him and to come back. I think start getting angry and its like he is talking to different people. I just reinforce that i am mentally unstable ( well i am i have depression) and make him realise why he has left. 

i know he loves me, but he is infatuated with this woman. Its not going to be long before he sleeps with her. Long bank holiday weekend coming up.
But verbally and in his actions towards me he is giving me no indication of wanting to try again. 

he deeply cares for me but we have been together all our lives, we are best friends. But we have grown apart. 
I am changing jobs now and getting help re depression. The woman he loved and married 2 years ago is still in here and wants a chance to shown him i love him and try again in light of my recent epiphany re work/life balance. 

I am moving back to the marital home at the end of next week and he is moving out. Gonna be so hard to be on my own. 
I have to just stop contacting him and acting like a needy nutter.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Doc I can't add much to the excellent guidance that the other posters have given you. I just wanted to share something with you for your consideration. 

I think i detected a bit of mothering your husband. Read over your post again. You seemed to be talking about a child and not a man with autonomy and mastery of his universe. Could this be the problem? He may very well love you but he does not feel like a man with you. Perhaps he does not feel as if be is in charge but he has to give way to you. Maybe he feels that you do not trust his leadership. 

Does that ring true. Read a bit about what men need to feel respected and valued in a relationships. Love is not enough he has to feel good about himself when he is with you. I think you may need to work on that. If you don't trust his leadership and believe in his dreams then a relationship will not work. 

I think the councilor did you both a diservece by coming down hard on him. The problems are 50:50. I think you should think about that and if you feel comfortable let him know that it was wrong. Keep a united front with him never let anyone give him hell about the relationship problems it is unfair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Thank you catherine. You have made a really good point. I think you have hit the nail on the head. 
I am outwardly a very dominant female (you have to be to have got to where i am in my career as a young working class woman)
I think that yes i mother him. I have to do everything. I cannot trust him to complete delegated task. I have over the years just stopped asking him to help with anything and as a result i do everything relating to our life myself e.g. shopping, insurance, booking holiday, sending birthday cards etc. 

I am actually very underconfident and have low self esteem and would really value him being a bit more of a man and taking care of me. 

I think he has low self esteem and feels i deserve better than him and that he does not make me happy. 
I wish he could realise i do need him.

Do you have any suggestions where i can read up on what men need to feel respected and valued in a relationships for the benefits of my next realtionship


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Think i am now in a place where i realise that there is nothing i can say in anyway or get anyone else to say that will make him change his mind. He has to do what he has to do and reach a point himself. 

He has to get this woman out of his system and he has to want to come back and try again. Nothing else will work. 
The more i ring and hassle and cry and beg the harder he digs his heals in and the more it pushes him towards her. 
i keep reinforcing what a crazy woman i am and exactly why he las left. 

I need to back off now and concentrate on myself. No contact unless necessary for finance reasons. I feel it in my gut that he will come back eventually, but the thing is will i want him back? 

But then a part of my brain is paralysed by fear that he will start a full relationship with her and it work and they stay together. That is the ultimate salt in the wound. I keep telling him 'it will never work out between you two' that will just make him say right i'll show you. 

Everything i have been doing and saying is the exact opposite of what i need to do. I have given him the impression that he can behave in any way and i will take him back. I have plan B stamped on my head. 

The sad thing is i am so destroyed by this that plan B would be ok cos he came back. 

I am moving back up to leicester next weekend, in to our house. He will have moved out. It is going to be so very hard. It will knock me for six i am sure.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

I have just rung our house, not really expecting him to be there, but he answered. We had a nice chat for an hour. We talked about his work, his football, what he will do when he moves, my job, life in general, big brother. I did not mention us, or her or getting back together. I did not cry or beg or reason (like i did for 1hours on tuesday on the phone- i begged horrifically and showed how desperate i was). Tonight i was calm, nice and chatty. I think it was a positive conversation . Maybe he will feel able to ring me in the future without me crying. 

I know i should not have contacted him, but the urge was so strong. 
He said he had no plans for tomorrow- do i believe him... well not sure. Maybe he will see her. But then why is he not seeing her tonight???. His actions just don't make sense. 
I asked him what his plans were for the bank holiday and he said none. It sounded quite genuine reaction. He is a **** liar, there was no hesitation. Why why why is he not actively pursuing her!!! surely the fog of the affair means he wants to be with her more. ahhhhhhhh

However in the conversation he was talking about what he will do when he moves in with his brother, that he will play football more and cycle to work, cos he does not have to commute. 
It sounds as though he has really moved on in his head. 
it is so hard to here. Why does he not miss me and want to talk to me. Why does he not want to know what i am doing?

can 14 years and a marriage mean nothing to him. 
Gonna leave him now with no contact until i text him to say i am coming up next weekend. 
Maybe a month or so at his brothers will clear the fog a bit. 

god will this hope ever go. When will the acceptance come.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I don't know when acceptance comes, but I suppose eventually we stop hoping and get on with it, you know? Life is too short to wait for a waffling wishy-washy guy to make up his mind. It sounds like you're in much the same place I am, DrSparkle. They're 'conflicted' trying to choose between us and the OW. I did tell my ex to go and be with her as all I want is his happiness. (which is true, I do wish him well). You have to let them go. Moving on is another story.....not there yet.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

WomanScorned said:


> You have to let them go. Moving on is another story.....not there yet.


This is currently my problem. I have let her go (we've been separated for 10+ months after the infamous ilynilwy speech and infidelity). But I have not moved on. I'm not gonna date because I'm still married. I do try to stay busy but days like yesterday (our anniversary) can affect a person. It did me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

But i don't understand why he does not miss me, why is he not hurting. Do he not sit and think of me and how we were, that we loved each other once. 
Does he not wonder whether it could be fixed. whether it could be good again. 

He must think of me ever day, he must feel sad. How can he have moved on so quickly. Part of his will still love me, so why doesn't that part come back and try again. 

why would he let 14 years go to waste. why would he discard me so easily.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

I rang him last night and i was shocked he was in for one ( thought he would be with her). We spoke for an hour about his work and football, i was attentive and listened. I did not talk about us or her, i did not beg or cry or try to make him feel guilty. 
I wanted to show his a better side of me that the crying woman how begged him on tuesday. 

He was speaking of his new life and that he was going to play football more and cycle to work. He is talking as though he has fully checked out. But he also sounded interested in talking to me. 

should i keep having this 'good' contact to show him how i am getting better and changing for the best, or no contact.

advice kindly requested


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## LawAttractionRelationship (Aug 21, 2011)

NEVER GIVE UP ON WHAT YOU WANT. IF YOU LOVE HIM THAN MAKE IT WORK REGARDLESS OF ANYTHING. LOVE CONQUERS ALL NEVER GIVE UP ON LOVE. LOVE WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU.



Let me Help you Help yourself


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

But never giving up means you never move on. You sit waiting and it destroys you. 

Eternal hope sometimes is delusional


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Oh i just want to ring him now and speak to him. But what would i say. I spoke to him for an hour last night. I want him to come back to me. 

I have to stay strong. NO contact. He has to come to me. He has to want me. I cannot be second best. I cannot be the back up plan.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

agree with that, it's good that you can say that you are no back up plan - shows your gaining confidence

stay strong, you can do it


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

drsparkle said:


> But i don't understand why he does not miss me, why is he not hurting. Do he not sit and think of me and how we were, that we loved each other once.
> Does he not wonder whether it could be fixed. whether it could be good again.
> 
> He must think of me ever day, he must feel sad. How can he have moved on so quickly. Part of his will still love me, so why doesn't that part come back and try again.
> ...


We will never know what they are thinking or understand it. It makes sense to them, for whatever reason. And for whatever reason they don't want to try to fix it. Really it's their loss. The OW probably will not last. Then they might see what they've lost.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Right something significant has occurred. 
I spoke to him today, one last heart to heart. He said there is not chance of us getting back together. He has no feelings of regret, no second thoughts, no doubts at all. 
He want to be with this woman. 
I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said not right now but yes i will want one in the future. 
No movement no reasoning possible. nothing.

Well that is it for me, that is my end point. It is done. 

I am not going back to leicester next week and my aim is to never go back if possible. 

I am going to take another months sick at least. 
I am going to ring letting agents in the morning and pull out of my tenancy before the tenants move in next week. I am going to live there myself. 

I am going to put the notice in on my leicester house (2 months) and i am going to get a removal company asap to go up and clear out the house. 
I will leave him what he has requested ( tv, surround sound, futon and bed) and take all the rest. 

I will move into my old house (which i love). I will concentrate on writing up my thesis. 
Re my job i will just wait and see how i feel in a few weeks. I may be lucky and secure a post down her. 

If i have to go back up there for a few months then i will go into hospital accommodation and grin and bear it. 

I am seeing a solicitor on weds to enquire about buying him out and divorcing. 

That is it for me. I am really done. Really done.
He can go off and have his affair , he can live in a tiny flat in notts, eating pasta bake and playing call of duty all evening and get pissed with his mates at the weekend. 
if that is what makes him happy, well he now has it. 

My gut tells me i am doing the right thing. Going back up there would have been bad for my health. I am just holding on for a good outcome for my transfer. fingers crossed everone.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

*crosses fingers* for you

Have to commend you on making the decision that YOU know you want and need. That takes strength.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree. Is it possible that he is on the Asperger spectrum? That might explain his sudden change of heart and inability to take responsibility.

My suggestion os to get some IC to work out what happened in this relationship so that you avoid a repeat of the same. Work on making time for your personal life and less on work life.

What ever you do make it a surgical cut only contact him for business. You control when to get the divorce don't let him drag his feet and make it convenient for him.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

OMG things are in progress. My plan has come together. 

I am having 3 more weeks of work sick to get my head a bit clear and then i am doing 13 weeks at a local hospital in a different speciality to see if i like it more than forensic pathology. Its 9-5, and in the department doing the job i did 2 years ago before i moved. This job will take me up until xmas.

So bearing that in mind i am going to put the notice on our rented house in leicester and get a removal van and go up in two weeks to get my stuff (and the cat). My parents are coming up to help me pack up. 
I am then going to move into my old house- redecorate, buy some new soft furnishing etc. My old furniture will fit. The cat will be ok. It will be familiar to me. I will have my family 10mins away, all my old friends and back to my old work (albeit temporary)..
what the future holds in term of my job is out of my control and i just hope a vacancy comes up soon. 
If not i may have to go back to leicester after xmas and grin and bear it 

I rang my stbxh tonight to ask him if it was ok to put notice in on the house. He said that was fine. He did not see to register the fact that i am going totally clear him out of the house. He said that he would continue to stay there until the lease ran out. In an empty house?????

random. Well its his problem now.


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

Great news....good for you !!!


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Just seen the solicitor. He advises to act quickly and start divorce proceedings before he gets his head straight and whilst he still feels guilt. He said in his experience that a deal can be struck better in the first 6 months. In my case i have a lot more to lose. 

He said if agreeable it can be sorted in 4 months. Its so scary. I don't want a divorce. i just don't want this.


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

drsparkle said:


> I don't want a divorce. i just don't want this.



That are the exact words I told my wife. It is hard when it is something you are forced to do and don't want to. Be strong you will pick up the pieces and recover.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Sent the OW a message on face book . 

"I know you are now having an affair with my husband. 
He has made it very clear to me that he does not want anything to do with me. He sees a bright and shiny future with you. Cos you offer him 'an easy life and he does not have to try with you'

You need to be aware that we have had a tough 18months due to many external factors such as moving, no family or friends, extremely tough jobs, and yes i have become depressed and unwell. External factors nothing more. 

But he left me without on word of warning. He did not sit me down at any point and tell me he was unhappy or that things were not right. We were married, a life long commitment, 14 years together and as soon as things got a bit tough he walked out like a coward. No warning at all. He left me when i was ill. For someone who had shown him a bit of attention. Just threw away a marriage like that. over an emotional affair. His has an inability to express his emotion and how he really feels. 

No opportunity for a second chance, no second try. Nothing just bailed like a coward. Despite going against the wishes of me, his family and most of his friends, he thinks he is better off with you.

This is not the first time he has done this to me. He did it 10 years ago too. He could not cope with a long distance relationship when i was a medical school so he dumped me before a massive exam. 
He then went off a slept with some one at work after 3 weeks apart. 5 months later he came back. I forgave him and we got over it. I thought i could trust him.
He just likes the easy option. Takes the cowards way out.
You would not believe how deceitful and untrustworthy he has been these past few months. Carrying on like he loved me and care and he was all the time having an emotional affair with you. 

Well if you think you can tame him and trust him, then you are perhaps a bigger fool than me. 
All i want in the world is for him to be happy. And if that means with you then so be it. I love him deeply and always will. There will always be a bit of him that belongs to me. He cannot forget and move on from 14 years and marriage so quick as he is. 
You are a fool for getting involved. You should learn to keep away from married men. Yes happy married men do not have affairs, but had he been a real man our marriage could have been salvaged.

The sad thing is i am such a sad weak woman that i still love him and would still take him back right now. 
Don't let this be you."


initially it felt really good to tell her how it really was, but surely she is not so stupid that she thinks he is trust worthy. 
I just wanted to plant the seed of doubt in her head. I want her to reject him. 

On reflection a few days later, i now feel stupid. This had probably made her want him more and confirmed the fact that i am a raving loony. I am sure she will tell my husband what i have done. But what does it matter. 

It is so hard not to be destructive.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Gosh...well...it's done, nothing you can do about it. Be strong. I completely understand where you're coming from. There are days when I want to post on the local paper every dirty deed my husband has done in his past, just so i could get even with him and to hurt him as much as he is hurting me.
To make you feel a little bit better...when I met my husband and I asked him why he divorced his first wife, he proudly told me that he was the one who walked away, that his ex begged and pleaded with him to save their marriage. At that time, I was so proud and pleased that I caught a winner. I thought if his ex wanted him back, then there must not be anything wrong with him, and all the fault lies at his ex's feet.
Seeing it now...I should have questioned why he did not fight for his first marriage when there was no infidelity, nor any grave problems involved. He walked away from a 10 year marriage with 4 kids, and proud that he did it.
Now he's doing the same thing to me. Giving up when the going gets tough. We're talking about a 46 year old man here.
DrSparkle, the day will come when this woman will search for your email, and believe every word that you wrote to her. You may feel horrible now for writing that message, but believe me, a leopard never changes its spot. He will do to her what he has done to you.
And by that time, you've moved on.
It hurts right now, because you and I are both stupid for still wanting men who clearly is not worthy of the consideration that we are extending to them.
It's weird...I look at my husband's ex, she is remarried now, and hope one day I will recover from this like she did.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ProfJ said:


> Gosh...well...it's done, nothing you can do about it. Be strong. I completely understand where you're coming from. There are days when I want to post on the local paper every dirty deed my husband has done in his past, just so i could get even with him and to hurt him as much as he is hurting me.
> To make you feel a little bit better...when I met my husband and I asked him why he divorced his first wife, he proudly told me that he was the one who walked away, that his ex begged and pleaded with him to save their marriage. At that time, I was so proud and pleased that I caught a winner. I thought if his ex wanted him back, then there must not be anything wrong with him, and all the fault lies at his ex's feet.
> Seeing it now...I should have questioned why he did not fight for his first marriage when there was no infidelity, nor any grave problems involved. He walked away from a 10 year marriage with 4 kids, and proud that he did it.
> Now he's doing the same thing to me. Giving up when the going gets tough. We're talking about a 46 year old man here.
> ...


Your post is a good one, Prof. 

They always say to be wary of any man/woman who talks smack about their ex and when they sound "too proud" for leaving the relationship w/o a fight. Especially in a marriage. That it's a red flag. 

I am curious--did his ex-wife ever say anything to you about him? 

To both of you--you will move on from these men and prevail.

Dr.--I agree with Prof--one day that woman will look at your letter or think back on it and say to herself "She was right."

But don't you worry your pretty little head over that--you are lightyears ahead of both of them in character and as a person.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

thank you Jellybeans...If there is anything that i will gleam from this dark place that I am in right now, is to know that in the event that I am ready to trust again, I will make sure that the man has fought tooth and nail to save his relationship, but failed to save it because the decision wasn't his alone.
I wish that my husband's ex reached out to me, just for the sake of their children. but like any other marriage, both people are responsible for the demise of their marriage. She didn't like me and was bitter until she finally found the man who is her husband today. She turned her children against me, and I guess it's because she still has anger over my husband's decision to dissolve their marriage.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Not seen him now for 8 weeks, i am moving out of our house and 220 miles away next week. Don't know if he will come and say goodbye. Will prob not see him for months, maybe never. 

The thought hurts so much. I just want him to hold me. God this is all so wrong.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Well i have moved. Moved out yesterday and got everything in the house now. Just have to start my new life down here 240 miles away from my ex. 
He was not around this weekend and did not contact be before or during the move. 
He did email yesterday to say he was stress and finding it hard so he was concerned i was stressed too. He said he did not want to contact me over the weekend because it was difficult but he did not want me to think he did not care. He signed off 'speak to you soon...'

Well i read the email and i have yet to reply. I mean what does he expect me to say. 
I am going to strongly try and implement no contact. Last time we spoke he said he would leave it to me to initiate the contact. But i get so upset when i speak to him i think i am better doing the 180 for a while. 
I have this hope that he will come and see me when he is down at xmas and fall back in love with me. he can move down here and we can start again in our old house with our family around. Away from ****ty leicester. 
Will that happen? well its unlikely he will leave the job he loves. 
Re the OW. There is little evidence that he has seen her for a while. He stayed at his brother last weeked, his parents were up the one before and he was at home the one before that as i spoke to him on our home phone. 
Perhaps i am a total mug and he is seeing her in our house but i doubt it. 

Just going to try the 180 and start learning to live on my own and sort out my career. xmas is a long way off. 

Any advice or words of wisdom much appreciated. 
xxxxxx


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Stay strong and focus on what you can control. Its probably freaking him out that you have followed through. Good luck with the new/old house and job and keep your head up


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