# my story, am i the only one?



## confusedmom (Feb 12, 2011)

i've been going through the posts and i'm wondering if i'm the only one on here that has initiated a separation as i noticed most posters are on the opposite end. here is my story. 

DH has bipolar disorder. he also has a dependent personality which is what his p-doc says. i have 1 child from a previous and 1 child with him. we have been together for 8.5 years and married for 3.5yrs. he was diagnosed after our youngest was born so back in 2006. there have been handfuls of times i have talked to him to try to get him to see what's going on and that i need help. i thought things would be okay once we got married. things have been going in a downward spiral since then. he currently is in the hospital because of suicidal thoughts. i don't want our girls to grow up thinking that this is how a marriage should be. i think marriages should be 50/50 and that if you are having problems u need to communicate. u need to support your partner and children and spend time with them, not just at dinner time when we eat at the table. he plays video games all day long. he only cleans up because he thinks i will be mad at him. he is constantly asking me if i am mad at him. i have no support financially from him and i'm the one that basically holds the boat. i realized that i have been alone for a very long time even though we have been living together. many times i have told him that he needs counselling. i have given him numbers, i have encouraged him to do something and i have let it go to let him make that choice. he does nothing. it got to the point where it's screwing with my head and i'm so mentally drained. i worry that i will end up having a breakdown and i need to be strong for my children. i started wondering if it will always be like this? can u have bipolar and live a normal life? i do feel a tremendous amount of relief now that he is out of the house. then i feel guilty because i don't understand what that means to our relationship.

i have gone to a counsellor who validated how i feel and basically said that although he has his 'issues' it's how he deals with them that matters. this pattern of making excuses and using his illness as a reason to not do anything or not take responsibility is something she referred to as a cycle. it's nothing new. i had hoped for change but i'm at the point that i really don't want to do it anymore, i've lost hope. his family said they won't take sides and that i should do what's best for me and the kids. they don't know what it's like for me, they don't live with him. i am thinking about the kids. he is always so grumpy and the kids know that. 
i told him i want to separate and that's as much as i know now. i would ask his psychiatrist if the things he does is his bipolar and she always said it's his personality. does this mean it's just who he is? i can't fix him, i realize that. now i'm focusing on me and my kids. all my energy can go into them and i think they have been lacking because it's always been about him and his needs. 

anyhow, i hope i'm not alone in this. i just want to feel like i'm making the right decision. i know no one can tell me that but at least i hope to not feel so alone in this.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I have lived a lot of this, too. I just don't "get" the total dependency--is it a form of mental illness? A type of manipulation? An "act?" It does not really matter in the long run, however, b/c the bottom line is that you (and I) cannot be responsible for the life and happiness of another adult. Especially when you get nothing for your efforts--no acknowledgment, no thanks, no assistance, not even the simplest recognition or support as you do *everything* and are expected to. Let's not even go to the way it is such an incredible turn-off, having to do everything except wipe his dam& ass for him. Sorry, but your post brought up unpleasant memories!

I do not know how to advise you; I'm working my way through this one day at a time. We have children together, and if we didn't, I'd probably just sever all ties. I know it sounds cruel and cold, but it is pretty much the *only* think I haven't tried in the course of our marriage or divorce. 

Right now we share the house still and the kids are always in it. We were supposed to have a separate place for each adult to go when it was the other's turn with the kids, but he couldn't handle that. I was doing it for my 3.5 days/week (going to another place), but he has fallen apart so entirely in the past 2 months that the kids were suffering and I felt I had to move back in to be there for them. It's only been a few weeks like this, so I can't say how it is really working except the kids seem relaxed and happy, enjoying school and their friends. He wasn't all that involved in their lives to begin with, so I guess they don't notice much of a difference.

I think I will be going back to counseling b/c I need more support and guidance in dealing with this. Ultimately, I came to realize, as you did, that I cannot fix him and I cannot sacrifice my life to his--my kids need at least one of us to be happy and functional. I'd be perfectly happy taking care of him IF certain conditions were met--we aren't married, he cannot be in certain rooms/making messes, etc. I could readily treat him like a patient, I guess, is what I mean--like the invalid he is. I haven't suggested that b/c I'm hoping that with time and therapy, he'll improve. If he does, great; if he doesn't, maybe I'll go with the "fall back" plan.


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