# Are you glad you stayed?



## username999 (Feb 8, 2018)

With an incompatibility in desire, are you glad you stayed? Or if you had it to do over, would you go earlier?


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## username999 (Feb 8, 2018)

I would welcome a simple yes or no. It would be helpful to someone looking ahead, facing years of this situation and wondering whether the plentiful good can possibly overcome this.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I would have been more assertive and not allowed my needs to be invalidated as "stupid". Whether that would have ended it earlier or not will never be known. But either way I would have saved myself about 10 years of unhappiness and resentment in a largely sexless marriage plus another 3 years of being devastated afterwards trying to figure out why.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

I know you want a simple yes or no, but it's never that simple. In my case, in spite of some minor differences between us, my wife's character more than compensates for that in our marriage. If you're thinking of divorcing, just remember that no one is perfect, differences exist within every couple, and differences can change over time. If you have compatible characters though (or at least if you can develop your characters to become compatible with one another), then you should be able to work out your differences.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

This is a complex question and I doubt if a simple yes/no will do. Here's an earlier thread started by a witty and handsome member asking a similar question:

 Do you regret getting divorced from your amicable but passionless marriage?

Looking back, I think it would have been better to divorce early on when the relationship was just a few years old. But now that it's been decades (and kids added), I'm not sure it would make sense to divorce. 

The truth is, incompatibility can happen in any relationship. But next time you might be better prepared for it and be able to fix it earlier. When it happens the first time, you often wait too long before trying to address it and it's very difficult to turn around.

One critical indicator is how willing your spouse is to address the issue. If they say the problem is all your fault and it's up to you to fix, then it's pretty much over. But if they genuinely want to work to make it better, then it can be worth trying.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

username999 said:


> With an incompatibility in desire, are you glad you stayed? Or if you had it to do over, would you go earlier?


I'd leave much, much earlier if I could do it over. I wasted too many good years. I was VERY glad when I finally did leave, and my life has been immensely better ever since.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I’m glad I left!


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

No.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

wilson said:


> One critical indicator is how willing your spouse is to address the issue. If they say the problem is all your fault and it's up to you to fix, then it's pretty much over. But if they genuinely want to work to make it better, then it can be worth trying.


Well, if we get to change history, I'd never have married him.

He was not willing to address the issues, and he wasn't willing to work together to make it better.

I don't regret leaving.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

I stayed and am glad. I am 40 years old, been married for nearly 18 years, right out of college, so we got married young. At about age thirty with three small children at home I was really hitting my stride in my career and making a name for myself in my field and everyone was taking notice. I was very tempted, I was young and upcoming and making good money. At home my wife was a stay at home mom, had gained baby weight, did not take care of herself very well, was never in the mood, and only wanted a quickie once a week.
It didn’t start like that, we met at 20 and were very passionate and physically compatible and had a great varied sex life which lasted until we had our first child. It went downhill pretty quickly, and I was bored with her and I’m sure she was bored with me.
After a good talk, I told her that I was unhappy sexually, I reminded her of all the things we used to do, I told her I still want to do those things. She reminded me that we stopped doing those things because it was no longer fun for her when I asked for those things and pressured her into things she didn’t want to do right then. We agreed to change. She needed help at home, something I detest, I do not like doing housework at all, I do all the outside work, I like woodworking, I maintain the household appliances and functions and the cars but I do not do dishes or laundry or sweep or dust or any of that. I like to cook once a week though. I got her a maid to come in and deep clean to help her every other week.
She didn’t feel pretty. She gained some baby weight, she hadn’t done her hair or nails in a long time, she hadn’t bought new clothes to fit her mommy body, she hadn’t the discipline to work out, she felt less attractive because she had neglected her looks and I told her I had noticed but still loved her and found her attractive, but she should work on it. I started paying for everything, I literally started giving her my card or buying gift certificates to salons and handing it over and saying schedule an appointment for your hair, I check her nails and say schedule and appointment for your nails, I say let’s go out Saturday here’s my card go buy your self a blouse and jeans and high heels or a dress or whatever I want to see her in (I tell her what I want for her to wear and she does it which is awesome), I got us a gym membership and we work out together, I compliment her everyday, I compliment the work she does in the Home everyday, I sit and talk with her every evening, I plan and take her on dates at least twice per month (new restaurants, new lounges, whatever the coolest newest places are openned), I changed the way I treated her and she changed completely.

Now at 40 she is way hotter than she was at 30 and we have way more varied frequent sex than ever. She respects me and I love her. She comes to me for advice, she asks me for permission to do things (even though she doesn’t have to) just out of respect, she relies on me to take care of her completely without questioning any of my decisions, she serves me completely, she’s affectionate and loving and adoring. She seeks my love and attention and even correction, it’s weird she will confess things she messed up and ask me to tell her what to do to fix it. When she feels she has done wrong she apologizes quickly to me. Example, she knows I do not like for her to use curse words, we went to eat with some friends and after some wine she said the S word at the table, we are all adults and it was not shocking to anyone else but when she said it she looked at me and tilted her head and mouthed “I’m sorry” and later as we walked out she again said “I’m sorry I cursed earlier, please forgive me” I kissed her and said it’s alright and she turned and stuck her butt out and I spanked her, she thanked me for the spanking and kissed me. I realized that things had changed in her and in me. 
Now, everyone who knows her knows she is well educated and hardworking great carreer and a good mother and a good wife, very fun and polite and great to be around, but in private with me I treat her like a mistress. Slowly she has really opened up and become sexually free and enjoys some really wild things that no one would ever suspect from this well to do church going wife and Mom. I learned how to take charge and dominate her, with all love and attention and care, she feels safe and loved and able to freely surrender herself and be free to be a really wild woman to me. The things she enjoys having me do with her and to her now, I never would have imagined ten or twenty years ago. I won’t say specifics but figure we do everything that a man and woman can do together, every possible sex act that I can think of I have tried and she has performed with enthusiasm and repeatedly. We even looked up sex acts to get ideas and tried some things which was fun. I’ll think there’s no way she would do this and she will. I push her limits, too, and she will go with it happily and enjoy it. Sex on a plane, in my office, strip tease in my office, on the beach, in hotel stairs, pools, in car, against wall in a dark club, oral under table at a restaurant, in a theater, in a bathroom at a fancy hotel lobby, a bathroom at a beach bar, etc literally every wild request. 
The wilder the better in the moment, but afterward she will deny deny deny, she will say “you made me do really dirty things honey” she blames me and takes no responsibility which is fine by me, she surrenders herself and I am in control. 

It might not work that way for everyone but if you can get to a good point in the relationship where she feels loved and safe enough to surrender to you she might be able to fully let herself go with you.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You can't ever know what would have been on the other road.

If I imagine someone like my wife but with my level of passion - then I wish I had left long ago. But that isn't fair - to ask if you want to change only the bad things and not the good.

Overall, I would say that if there is a mismatch, its better to leave unless you are honestly convinced that you are uniquely well suited to each other in other ways. 

For most people leaving early is the right answer.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Very glad I moved on. Should have done it sooner except I may not have met my Mr Amazing then.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Ynot said:


> I would have been more assertive and not allowed my needs to be invalidated as "stupid". Whether that would have ended it earlier or not will never be known. But either way I would have saved myself about 10 years of unhappiness and resentment in a largely sexless marriage plus another 3 years of being devastated afterwards trying to figure out why.


This is spot on. Whether you're glad you stayed has to do with how much damage was done to you, and whether the remedy has been adequate. What Ynot is saying is that you need to bring things to a head right now. Don't sit around hoping things will get better or doubting whether your desires are valid or not. Force the issue right now. Based on her response, you'll have some idea about whether it's worth staying or not. 

I think a lot of people would not be able to answer your question with yes or no. The honest answer is "I don't know." Most of us wish we'd gotten closure earlier. It's like the parent of an MIA soldier, who just wants to know one way or another whether their son is dead or not. The parents would be somehow relieved to find out he's dead, and they could move out of limbo. So the same is true with marriage. Tell me right now, whether this marriage is dead or not. 

So staying X years ago might have been the right decision, or leaving X years ago might have. But you needed to know what her level of commitment was or whether she was willing to put in the work to fix it. At this point, X years after identifying the problem and doing nothing about it, the answer is just "I don't know." Get your answer sooner.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Sholud I stay or should I do now..?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

username999 said:


> I would welcome a simple yes or no. It would be helpful to someone looking ahead, facing years of this situation and wondering whether the plentiful good can possibly overcome this.


Glad I stayed and worked with my wife of 40+ years to reconcile our sex starved marriage.

Had it remained sex starved, I would have divorced her.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

No, I'm not glad I stayed. Should have put a nail in the coffin and walked away. Adding kids to the situation just made things as mess. The thing is, kids were added before it was a mess. Unfortunately, that's the way it usually works.

If I had the chance to do it over again, there's no way in hell I would. Not a chance!


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

wilson said:


> This is a complex question and I doubt if a simple yes/no will do. Here's an earlier thread started by a *witty and handsome member* asking a similar question:
> 
> Do you regret getting divorced from your amicable but passionless marriage?
> 
> ...


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

manwithnoname said:


> I had to click on the link, because I had no recollection of it.


LOL! Yeah, we have so many handsome and witty members, it's hard to keep track of them all.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

If I had left early on she still would have gotten sick and I would have had terrible guilt at not being there for her. 

Not loving her was never the issue, not loving me more was.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Wish I had learned of the first affair she had, or at least she had taken the time to make her first affair the reason to leave the marriage. So glad now that she left.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

After 30 years, I have concluded that sexual incompatibility is a symptom of larger incompatibility issues. I am sorry I stayed. When we were young, the sexual incompatibility was masked by my strong desire and my ability to orgasm easily. As the years went by, I needed more stimulation and time. He has complied 2 times that I can remember in the 10 years since we reconcileld from our separation Before he had ED issues due to surgery, he could hold out for a long time, so I guess that gave me time to "catch up", but now...heaven help me the sex is awful. 

It mirrors our life. I take more time and pay more attention to how things are done. He is a "get it done and onto the next thing" type of person. I like to make things just so. If I were not around he would live like a college frat boy in squalor.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Lots of threads on this subject. My husband is very conservative and religous (i'm religious too but I guess you could say that there is another side of me too). 

Am I going to leave my husband because of sex. No way.

Yes, sometimes i wish he was more taking charge and more "dirty" (i guess the easiest way to say it). I've had all of this before my husband. What we have in our relationship is far better overall and you can't just look at sex alone.


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## cknpro (Aug 6, 2016)

This is a very personal, individually subjective question. No one else's answer will fit you or anyone else but them. And the answer can change over time. If I had to answer this a few years ago, I may have said no. I was unhappy and could see no light in the tunnel. Now I not only see light but have seen the beautiful scene outside the tunnel and can feel the train moving that direction. The answer ultimately lies in ourselves. We are as happy as we make our minds up to be. The only thing we can control in this life is our attitude. Period. 
Each one here could tell you their story and offer compelling evidence that convinces them they have the right answer. Maybe they do. Maybe they haven't ridden the train long enough. Maybe they haven't done the work and got control of their attitude. Maybe they are letting someone else control them. Maybe they are totally selfish and have unreal expectations which NOBODY will ever meet. Maybe they married someone like that. Maybe they are immature. Maybe they married someone who refuses to grow up themselves. Every situation is different. 

I think one major problem is this idea that each one of us has this elusive "soul mate" out there who will fulfill our every need and desire fully with a smile. It's a myth, propagated by movies and porn. Love is an action that takes effort and sacrifice of self to make it grow and prosper. People that only seek for themselves will always find a reason to be unhappy with anybody they are with because no one is just like us - and if we did magically find that person that was our mirror image, that person would REALLY PISS US OFF! 
Sure, there are some basic incompatibilities that are foundational and complete obstacles to any relationship and certainly a friendship - and if you can't be friends with your spouse, you are in a dark place. But I suspect that unless you are in an arranged marriage, you didn't feel that way at one time. There was a time when you liked this person for a variety of reasons. Odds are most of those foundational reasons have not changed. But we get caught up in the peripheral stuff that irritates our peripheral stuff. And if we bail on this marriage because of that, the next one will eventually work out the same way. It's no wonder why second marriages have such a low success rate below first marriages. 

In this effort, I have had to change myself - more than once. Because the simple fact is I can never change her and she can never change me. But we can both choose to change ourselves for the benefit of the relationship - which means changing something in me to benefit her and vice-versa. If you are with someone who absolutely refuses to consider such, or if your are that person, then the chances of happiness in the relationship are near zero for both parties. I have seen where both she and I have been THAT person in the past, but we were both able to work ourselves out of that selfishness. But it was only possible because we both based our commitment on something outside of ourselves - our commitment and covenant to God. 

So to answer your question with a yes or no - for me, YES!Absolutely, no question, no second thoughts. In fact I never really allowed myself to entertain any other option as possible. Neither has my wife. In fact that is one of her foundational traits that drew me to her that has never changed - her unquestionable loyalty and faithfulness - to me and to God. From that base, we have rebuilt and will continue rebuild and maintain the places that failed. 
I am SO glad I stayed with my angel. I will be so glad to be sitting in the rocking chair beside her on the porch when we are both too old to do much more. When I look over at her I will remember all the good and some of the bad, but just enough of the rough places to make me thankful for the good and the good memories will be more meaningful. 

Contentment is a choice. And marriage was never meant to be the source of our happiness or contentment. I once thought it was. But I figured out that I was truly the source of my own unhappiness.


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## bilbag (Aug 3, 2016)

username999 said:


> With an incompatibility in desire, are you glad you stayed? Or if you had it to do over, would you go earlier?
> I would welcome a simple yes or no. It would be helpful to someone looking ahead, facing years of this situation and wondering whether the plentiful good can possibly overcome this.


Yes I'm glad I stayed. (been with her for 23 yrs)
(I recommend plenty of prayers.)
There was an article (in CNN?) asking people who are happy what makes them happy. Answer was that it wasn't what they accomplished. Rather it was the challenge and the response to the challenge, the journey, that made them find happiness.

So having a wife who simply gives you all you want is not going to make you happy. 

However if marriage blows up along the way, then it's probably not meant to be.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I'm glad I left. 

After three months of letting it slide by without sex, I left her and we divorce. Best decision ever for me. She's still no having sex after all these many years. 

I do not have the weekness of offering myself as a sacrificial lamb for a lifetime of just companionship; no way. I have been practically all of my life secure enough in myself, to not bend over just because of fear of finding myself alone or not finding love again or freezing in fear of letting go. Non moi mon cheri.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

username999 said:


> I would welcome a simple yes or no. It would be helpful to someone looking ahead, facing years of this situation and wondering whether the plentiful good can possibly overcome this.


What day is it? 

One day I revel in all the wonderful, rock solid perfect other aspects of our life together. All the great adventures we have shared. The awesome children we raised. The travel, the talking, the shared enjoyment of a great movie, the love of the simple act of cuddling, the similar morals and outlook on life, etc.

Another day, all I can think about is all I've missed out on in the bedroom.

This is not a question that lends itself to a simple yes or no, and at changes from day to day, nay, from minute to minute sometimes, as to which way the answer may lean.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

What about us BFF’s. Bald,fat and fuguly guy’s?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Uselessmale: well, you become recipients of Darwin's awards.


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