# Hard Times.



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

This last weekend was so incredibly hard on me. After finding out that my wife was still lying to me and had done stuff with the OM1, and found out that all 3 OM had pretty much professed their love to her all of which she never told me. Apparently one of them really wanted to destroy our marriage because he told her he didn't want her to be with me and she asked why and he said because he had always really liked her.

Anyways, on Saturday I had a wedding to go to, it was for my really good friend. It was a great wedding but it made me so upset because it reminded me of how my marriage failed. After the wedding was over my brother called me up and asked me to come up to his house the next morning because he wanted me to be there when he purposed to his girl friend.

So Sunday morning I got up at 9am and left my friends house. I went to my brothers and had a really good breakfast with him his girl friend, one of our military buddies, 2 of my aunt and my uncle. Then my brother purposed to his girl friend, it was really sweet. I'm so happy for them but couldn't help but feel extremely bad for myself. They live about an hour away from my house and when I drove home it felt like I was driving forever...

I don't know what to do anymore, I feel so lost and alone. I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with my wife and now my whole world has crumbled right under my feet. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I can't help it. I just can't help but wonder what things would be like had I tried to get help after I came home from Iraq.

I feel so betrayed. I can't believe I was willing to put my life on the line for so many people only to find out that most of them don't give a damn about me. I feel so unappreciated and so disrespected. I still feel like I'm being lied to and I still feel like there's a lot more that happened. No one wants to man up and tell the truth.

2 of the OM are roommates with a friend of mine that I have been friends with since 5th grade. My friend confronted them about it all and they just told her that my W is lying and they have no clue what she is talking about. So I guess I've lost a friend that I thought was my really good friend.

Thanks for taking the time to listen, I just needed to vent a little.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

It's an amazing sting of things to happen to a man. Not only the wife lying to you at every turn but having friends betray you. It doesn't get much worse than that. 

The only thing you can honestly do is try to rebuild from here. That is so much easier to say than to do. But I have been there, I really have. One of my buddies that I had for years was one of the OM's of my wife. 

It sucks on every level. But I can honestly say 7 years later while it still is something that bothers me, it doesn't have that same sting to it any more. It's almost like I can speak of it clinically now. 

As tough as it will be to believe when your in the middle of it, there are a lot of really good women out there that won't betray you.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You uncovered new lies this weekend?? Man I'm sorry - UFB!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I've been trying to catch up on your story by glancing at your previous threads so forgive me if I get anything wrong.


But I think the one thing you need to realize is that your wife (and I hope stbx) is a compulsive liar, serial cheater and master manipulator. I think I even read that she was here posting and even gathering sympathy. (what was her screen name?)

This type of person is one that almost never changes. Unless they get years of intensive IC and fully admit to the lies and destruction you will continually see her spin her story to your friends, her family and anyone who will listen. Thus you need to start fighting back.

1) Realize that the person you fell in love with is not her. It is a front/facade she provided for years to get her way.

2) Mourn that person as false as it was and never blame yourself for her problems.

3) Start doing damage control. Start letting friends and family know what type of person she is and how she continually deceived you and is deceiving them. I'm willing to bet she lies about just anything. Remember that to her- IMAGE IS EVERYTHING, compulsive liars have incredibly low self esteems, need constant validation (even if based on false accomplishments) and desire to be viewed in high esteem, exposing her lies will cause her to start lying more and as they lie more the lies become more apparent to those around her.

4) Move on with your life. It will be extremely hard to trust another romantic relationship again but realize that not everyone is like your wife.


I wish you the best


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

It's hard to put on a happy face for the world to see when you're dying on the inside..that's how I felt when my H had an EA and we were separated for a while. You ask yourself "why me"? 
There's a saying that says..when we long for a life without difficulties, remember that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are formed under pressure. 
I know this is a very hard time for you..it's hard to go on with your life when the one you love has hurt you deeply.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

And it sounded so much like she was really trying to change her stripes. Sorry to hear about your situation Forsaken, and don't sweat it alot of us really appreciate all those that go abroad to do what must be done.

If she's still lying then it's time to just cut off the cord and move on.

BTW if you're in the marines then Semper Fi, if you're in the army then "This we'll defend"


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

First of all I want to thanking for your service to our great country, and I truely respect you for this.

As hard as it is you need to just let them go. In doing this you will find life will get better. This drama can be all consuming and by letting it all go you can move on with time.

Distancing your self will be hard as hell at first, but you will see with time that new oppertunities will arise and the old drama will fade.

Thats why the 180 is so helpfull, it takes the focus off the pain and it directs your life towards your self and new possibilities.

As hard as it all seems redirect your focus, force your self out of this drama and look for positive things that you can enjoy. Things that will indroduce you to new friendships, and new experience that can develope into better relationships with new people.

Get away from all these old friends and look at going back to school, or voulenteer work, even look into a new gun clubs, car club, fishing club.....some kind of hobby that you can met new folks. 

Once you take these steps I bet you will find it easier to distance your self from the "friends" that are just out for themselves.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Forsaken--I am sorry you are feeling so down. You will feel better over time, promise. Just take it day by day. You may have to resign yourself to the fact that you may never truly know what happened because there has been so much lying going on. Nobody is perfect, you aren't and neither is your wife. The here is now is what you have to work with. It is hard to hear about people getting married and feel excited for marriage in general after you've been through a betrayal and everything that stems from it but just focus on healing yourself right now. It's not an easy thing to do. Every day, do one nice thing for yourself. It could be something small such as listening to your favorite CD, eating an ice cream, watching your favorite tv show, going for a walk, getting some sunlight. etc. Be good to yourself. Infidelity is a very hard thing to get through. The scars will always be there but each day does get a little better.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

@Almost - Her screen name is Wingsoflove, I highly doubt she will come back. I hope she does and I hope she comes back ready to be completely honest because she needs help and a lot of people on here have tried to help her and are still willing to. No matter what happens I want her to fix herself, I don't want her to ever do this to anyone else ever again.

Thank you all for your encouraging words. It's just so hard to find the light in all this darkness. There were a couple of people at the wedding that had asked me where my W was and that really made the heart drop a little more each time.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> I don't know what to do anymore, I feel so lost and alone. I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with my wife and now my whole world has crumbled right under my feet. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I can't help it. I just can't help but wonder what things would be like had I tried to get help after I came home from Iraq.


I understand that completely. Looking back and saying, "If I had done this or that, my marriage would still be intact and better than ever." Hindsight it 20/20, so the saying goes. I wonder. Who knows what the outcome would have been if we could actually go back and change the things we think we want to change. There was a movie out a few years ago that had something to do with that. "Butterfly Effect" , I believe was the name of it. He was able to go back and change things in his past. However, each change had lots of unintended consequences. Perhaps, however ****ty it is, this is the best of the possible outcomes at this point in time. Besides, we can't go back and change the past anyway. It will drive you absolutely bonkers thinking , "What if I had done this or that?" Believe me, I think about that often. I am pretty bonkers.



Forsaken said:


> I feel so betrayed. I can't believe I was willing to put my life on the line for so many people only to find out that most of them don't give a damn about me. I feel so unappreciated and so disrespected.


Well, I also understand that. Veterans' Day is less than 2 months ago. Last year, I saw where Applebee's was giving free meals to veterans. I took them up on their offer. I actually cried (and that was before I knew about the affair and tears just naturally roll). It was the first time in a long time I felt appreciated for my service to our country. I highly suggest you take advantage of some free offer when it rolls around. The commaraderie was great.

Another thing on that note, just like no one that has been through this infidelity hell can truly understand it, no one that has not been in combat can truly understand it. It's one of those things you have to experience personally to have even a slight understanding of all that it entails. That, I believe, is one reason lots of civilians don't seem to appreciate your sacrifice enough. It's not so much a lack of caring, it's that it is impossible for them to truly understand what you have been through. 

You are very appreciated for your service. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but Thank you for your sacrifice. Thank you for knowingly and willingly getting on that plane flying across the ocean knowing full well it may be the last time you ever put foot on American ground. Thank you for being willing to sacrifice your very life to fight for our freedoms.

By the way, just in case you buy into the political BS about the war not being justified because WMD's weren't found, take my word for it. THEY WERE THERE!!!!!! Saddam was firing scuds at us almost on a nightly basis. I don't think he just ran out or got rid of them.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Brother..I know just how you feel. I had to go to my sisters wedding like 3 months after my d-day, we were separated by this time. It was one of the hardest days of my life. I was in the wedding which made matters worse.


What branch where you in? I was in the Army, a 12B. I never saw combat. God Bless you for your service.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

@AlmostR – Her screen name is Wingsoflove. I don’t think she will come back, but I hope she does and I hope she comes back being honest with everyone because she needs help. I don’t know what’s going to happen, all I know is that I don’t ever want her to do this to anyone ever again, regardless if it’s me or some other guy.

@Geo – Army NG, 13D.

Thank you all for the kind words. This just really sucks. I’ve had nothing but terrible days lately. All I’ve ever wanted was the truth. I think the thing that hurts the most is that she said she broke NC with the guy for about 3 months after she agreed to it and said that she really liked him and shortly after she agreed to NC she had told me that she wasn’t in love with me anymore.

I’m losing my mind. I feel like I’m still not being told everything. I’ve either had to find everything out all on my own or pry information out of her.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

The one thing you will have to come to terms with is the fact that there is a really good chance you never will know everything. 

There is so much drama attached to relationships with people like this. It's draining. You do sort of have to let go a little bit, even though it feels impossible.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

forsaken,

The only thing you can do for now is try and take care of yourself. Eat, exercise, read, sleep...rinse & repeat. take it one day at a time, each small victory gets you closer to having peace.


I wouldn't communicate with your WW at all, the chances of getting any truth from her is slim to none anyways. She will just try and drag you into her drama and send you spinning out of control.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I understand that I will never know everything that has been said or done, but I need to know in order to heal. My W broke NC by going up to her mothers house to use her land line to call the OM, she also used her old work phone. I know I can't get the records from her old work and Comcast isn't working with my W, she has called a couple of times and requested to get the phone records from her moms house but they said they can only go back 3 months and I want everything from October 2010 to the current date.

I can't imagine "letting go" when I've been hanging on for so long.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I need to see how many times she went up to her moms house to call all of the OM, I need to see how many minutes she used talking to them there.

I feel so terrible. I know I shouldn't beat myself up but I can't help it. I hate myself and I hate my life. I don't understand how she expected me to heal by having me go to MC and IC when she was just lying to me and them so they were trying to fix things that didn't actually pertain to the situation. I don't get it, all I can assume is that she wanted them to get me to forget about it all or something.

I can't believe she didn't give a damn about my mental health, she only cared about herself. People thought I was literally crazy, like I was a psychopath or something and they all thought I was making a mountain out of a mole hill but I knew that I was still being lied to and I knew she wasn't being honest with me so I kept digging and I kept bringing it up.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> I need to see how many times she went up to her moms house to call all of the OM, I need to see how many minutes she used talking to them there.
> 
> I feel so terrible. I know I shouldn't beat myself up but I can't help it. I hate myself and I hate my life. I don't understand how she expected me to heal by having me go to MC and IC when she was just lying to me and them so they were trying to fix things that didn't actually pertain to the situation. I don't get it, all I can assume is that she wanted them to get me to forget about it all or something.
> 
> I can't believe she didn't give a damn about my mental health, *she only cared about herself*. People thought I was literally crazy, like I was a psychopath or something and they all thought I was making a mountain out of a mole hill but I knew that I was still being lied to and I knew she wasn't being honest with me so I kept digging and I kept bringing it up.


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