# Not a good situation - Please Advise



## Just Not Goood (Oct 24, 2011)

OK Facts:

Wife of 14 years throws a divorce at me while involved in an EM with a married man. Affair was secret (or at least she thought) until I approached her on it, and got her to admit.

Affair not only physical but deeply emotional, where wife is pushing hard for a future and vice-versa with each other. She has attempted to seemlesly transition from a 16 year relationship to another without missing a beat, and seems to be just replacing me with him, but wants support, the house, etc.

The spouse of the OM is livid, and so am I about all the shenanigans that occured under much deceipt and lying by both parties over the course of several months.

My WS gets me removed from our house on a completely bogus PFA (Protection from abuse) charge, and believe me folks, this was something that was completely provoked, and un called for. No abuse here, by any stretch of the imagination.

In court we "negotiated" and the PFA was removed in exchange for her to have sole and exclusive possession of our house.

I've been out of the house since summer and got myself a new place.

During summer spouse and I split 50:50 custody of our 2 children.

At start of the beginning of the school year, spouse tried to manipulate scedules to make it look like she's the "primary care giver" right before our first custody hearing.

The court master indicated that 50:50 makes sense, but spouse may still try to push for primary custody. We continue 50:50 for now.

The OM (also adulterous) had been kicked out of his house due to his involvement with my wife. He has been sleeping at a friends apartment, but for all intents and purposes lives at my house with my wife when I have the kids. It is possible my wife sneaks him in when my kids are there, but no proof, just anecdotal observations. Signs suggest an iminent move in, which is completely denied by my separated spouse.

My kids have said some things about the OM as my wife has shown them pictures to tell them about her new friend, but it appears she has yet to introduce them. However, the OM has attempted to introduce his kids to my WS, with negative results. One of his kids has even already slept at my house.

My WS and me started to go to counselling per suggestion by the court master to learn how to communicate effectively when it comes to the kids. However, this will be difficult as my WS is deep in "the fog" mindset, unfairly demonsizes me, re-write our marital history, and has turned into a pathological liar. She also manipulates custody schedules based on her own interests.

In counselling she indciated that the OM wants to meet my kids, and she wants that to happen too. However, we are only 8 months into our divorce, and much is still needed to be worked out including what happens with our house (which there appears to be a possible iminent move in). On the other side there is even more to be worked out because the OM's spouse has only just recently filed divorce papers.

When is the appopriate time for my WS to introduce my kids (10 and 6) to the OM. Should I stipulate within court documents when that should occur, which includes no move ins to my house until all is finalized (on both ends), Or should I just accept the "future" (I do accept the inevitable, but I just think it is too soon).

Thanks for advice.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She is a real piece of work.
1. Get tested for STD's immediately.
2. Get a top notch divorce attorney immediately.
3. Tell your children the truth immediately.
4. After discussing this with your attorney you may wish to expose this to friends and her family.
5. There really no such thing as a friendly divorce. Her successful attempt to kick you our of your own home shows she enjoys playing hardball and so should you. If you are timid you will be destroyed. Be proactive with your attorney now and do not allow her to tie up your assets.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you might have some luck in divorce forum, but my understanding that unless there was some sort of pre-divorce agreement (morals clause) you cant prevent it


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

My first reaction is that you do not have a good lawyer.

You should not have had to leave your home.


----------



## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Make sure the kids are informed what this OM truly is!!! He is not uncle OM but the guy trying to take your place.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> My first reaction is that you do not have a good lawyer.
> 
> You should not have had to leave your home.


:iagree: 

And why hasn't he suggested the morality clause? Where she cannot have anyone of the opposite sex spend the night while she has the kids.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Wow. First off I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Your WS sounds like a very selfish woman.

To answer your question about the kids? Well I hate to break it to you, but you can't prevent her from introducing the OM to them. What you CAN do is damage control when you have them... be their dad and answer their questions as honestly and gently as you possibly can. No doubt they're confused enough about what's happened to your family and they will have their own opinions about what's going on with their mom and all these shenannigans. 

Be the rock they need right now. Kids aren't stupid, they KNOW what's going on without you having to explain every little detail.


----------



## Just Not Goood (Oct 24, 2011)

I find it interesting people telling me to "tell the kids", the details. i.e. who this guy is, what happened, how mommy betrayed her family, etc.

Believe me, I have thought about doing so and have wanted to. However, I'm not convinced that would do anything productive. 

Although we have 50:50 custody now, my WS still insists she should have "primary custody". We all know that has nothing to do with what is best for the kids, or that she really wants anything more than half the time with them, it has to do with support and $$. Regardless, I may have a custody battle on our hands. My understanding is the courts do not care if mom and dad necessarily get along, but it is how interactions pertain to the kids. The courts DO NOT want one spouse pitting against the other. If I took the kids off to the side and told them, "Look, you are going to meet a new boyfriend of mommy's real soon". Mommy has been with this guy for months now, and actually cheated on daddy etc etc etc, I think I risk losing my current 50:50 custody as that would p*ss off the courts. Also, is it REALLY good for the kids? That could devastate them to a point where they'd develop issues that would just have to be dealt with.

There are numerous people suggesting to me "you should tell them". Then again, I often read the opposite. I am torn on that but lean toward not telling them.

The main question though is: Can I legally stipulate when introductions (or even a move in) should occur based on literature (Therapist experiences), common sense, moral clauses or whatever. Our divorce won't be final for some months now, and the OM's even later. The introduction is inevitable, and even a move in...to my freaking house! I understand and need to accept, but can it be mandated say that not until our divorce is complete, assets are divided, and the divorce on the other side is complete?


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You can put it in there all you want, but that doesn't mean she'll comply. People ignore court orders all the time. Then you have to take the time to file for contempt, and hope that it doesn't take 3 or 4 court dates to remedy the contempt (which is only likely to be some sort of fine, you're not going to get her locked up for something like this).

I guess my point is... is it worth it? Dragging things on and on, spending more money in court, only so that she gets her way anyway? All you'd be doing is delaying the inevitable, and at the expense of your time and sanity.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You really need to hire a much better lawyer and tell him what you want done and for him to do what it requires to happen!

She cheated and got you out of your own house. You really needs bull dog lawyer not the passive one you are with now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Just Not Goood said:


> The main question though is: Can I legally stipulate when introductions (or even a move in) should occur based on literature (Therapist experiences), common sense, moral clauses or whatever. Our divorce won't be final for some months now, and the OM's even later. The introduction is inevitable, and even a move in...to my freaking house! I understand and need to accept, but can it be mandated say that not until our divorce is complete, assets are divided, and the divorce on the other side is complete?


This can only be answered by competent legal counsel.

You may want to go to *DAD's divorce* and read what is there as well as post your questions on their forums.

Good luck.


----------

