# Husband has PTSD



## Crimsonshield (Jul 2, 2014)

My husband had a rough childhood; a bipolar mother and a father who was more like a buddy. Then his first wife cheated on him, left, and shortly after that his mother died suddenly. He actually has days where he will wake up thinking it is the day of her death where he is reduced to a gibbering wreck. 

On top of that he was an alcoholic- a severe injury from when he was three damaged his esophagus and vagus nerve and caused fibromyalgia. So basically he drank to numb that physical pain and when his wife left and he lost his mother he drank away the emotional pain, never feeling the loss until now (some ten years later). 

We met online almost five years ago and have been married two years. I wasn't aware the full extent of his problems. Shortly after we got married he had to quit his job because his pain and anger issues were getting out of hand- the tiniest thing, like, say, a cup being knocked over is enough to send him flying into a fit of rage. One instance he got so angry over his own problems that he punched himself repeatedly in the eye. Over the course of one year he fought to get social security disability. He's worked since he was fourteen, and REALLY doesn't like being accused of being 'capable' and 'getting free money'. I worked all this time and we scraped by...just *barely*.

For my part, I'm used to "crazy" people. My own mother is..something...bipolar? Anyway, she's emotionally abusive and two-faced and my brother...well, forgive my language but he's an *******. And my father may or may not have molested me; he died in February (don't be sorry, barely knew the guy) and the way my mother acts lately I wonder if she made it up to get back at him? So...my entire life might be a lie and I alienated my father for no reason? Anyway, so by some shade of awesome I have managed to *not* deteriorate into some self-destructive shadow of a human being. Not to say I haven't had my moments- I used to cut, but now I bottle everything up, like a big girl.

So like an idiot I tell my worries to Mommy Dearest and Brother Dearest. 

Who promptly hit the roof and say I should leave/want to beat the stuffing out of Husband, respectively.

Okay, lesson learned; don't talk to anyone about anything even though they said you always could. Gods above, what other advice that I was given in youth is BS? Probably all of it.

So since Father Person kicked the bucket, he was nice enough to remember me in his insurance policy and left me a nice sum. I bought our house (an RV) and our car and took care of some other crap. So Mommy Dearest is convinced that I made out like a bandit and am rich. She continues to pester me at work even though I've asked her repeatedly not to come there...or to my house because her two-facedness makes Husband hate her with the fiery rage of a thousand suns. ("I love you, new son!" to his face; to me; "LEAVE HIM BECAUSE HE'S NOT GIVIN' YOU THE D"...I'll get to..*that*...in a sec.)

Sorry Mom, men are not just for the D and the $$$.


I tell Brother Dearest I'm sorry for being a spaz and making him worry. He calls me a f*cking [not-nice word for the mentally handicapped] and gets angry that I left our exchange where he basically spat in my face when I said I was sorry and our friends want to gather an angry mob to lynch Brother for being a [insert your own insult here]. 

Brother Dear is one of those lovely people who don't believe someone who isn't missing a limb or paralyzed shouldn't be getting SSD so obviously he's not happy about me "getting mooched off of".

So I don't get to see my newborn nephew. Ever. 

Youth life lesson number two debunked; Stand your ground. 
Go ahead and stand your ground! It doesn't make a single iota of difference.

On this whole thing Mommy Dearest says "Well you gotta remember you're his baby sister and your dad did [insert graphic description here] to him."

HOW IS THAT MY FAULT?!?!?

And-...and-....he acts like he hates me, not the 'lol my sister is annoying'. WE ARE BOTH PUSHING 30. IDGAFF. I don't need you to protect me. I MISS YOUR DISDAIN, acting like I talk too much, saying "you're just like Mom" like it's the insult to end all insults. Yeah, be mad at me for whatever but leave her out of this. He treats her like garbage and Husband gives me hell for trying to be nice to Mom. I only get one Mom! Yeah she's cuckoo for Coco Puffs but SHE'S ALL I HAVE besides what's his name over there with that ring just like mine....


So I cry, cry about Brother hates me, Mom is cuckoo banana crackers, Father Person is dead and beyond redemption...and Husband...curls up inside himself and mopes about stuff. 
I have to help him AND keep my problems to myself so I DON'T HURT HIS DINKY LITTLE FEELINGS WHEN I AM DEAD INSIDE.

And not to get gross but since we've had all this personal drama we do not have sex. We have NOT had sex since November of last year. SEVEN. FREAKING. MONTHS. Sometimes I look at him and want to scream.


We talk, talk talk talktalktalktalk AND TALK about STUFF and THINGS and FEELINGS but NOTHING. HELPS. WE ARE DEAD.

I want a kid but you have to have SEX for that and since Husband can't get out of BED half the time and I have to WORK I can't just pop the kid out and leave it at home, it would starve. ARRRGH. And I can't quit my job because kids are expensive. Double ARRRGH.

If you read this bit of looney to its completion, thank you.

And...any tips on how to help it?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Deeply sorry for the chaos that leaves you in an emotional prison in an effort to protect yourself. Been there.. very difficult road. Any numbness felt in this situation would be the normal amazing response of your body helping you cope by shutting off too much stimulation. You need to create emotional safety for yourself, but in a way that leaves you engaged with safe people. That safe space will allow time and space for you to heal from this chaos. I have books that will help you. Would you like to have the titles?


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## Crimsonshield (Jul 2, 2014)

Sure, tell me the titles.

But what about my husband? I can't be at home all the time to make sure nothing/no one triggers him. He is already heavily medicated and sleeps most of the time when he's not sitting there crawled up inside himself.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Crimsonshield said:


> But what about my husband? I can't be at home all the time to make sure nothing/no one triggers him.


Crimson, the self harms you describe (i.e., his eye punching and your cutting) are strongly associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) -- which my exW has. Indeed, a 2004 study of hospital admissions concluded that most of those who self-multilate (e.g., cutting) have BPD. See J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv.

Similarly, there is a strong link between the fibromyalgia you mention and BPD. See Fibromyalgia-- Heller. Also see AAPEL's view on this fibro/BPD connection at Fibromyalgia -- AAPEL View. Anecdotally, I can report that my BPDer exW suffered from fibro.

Likewise, there is a strong connection between PTSD (which your H has) and BPD. A large-scale study (pub. 2008 ) found that 28% of males suffering from PTSD also suffer from full-blown BPD. See Table 3 in the 2008 Study in JCP.

Importantly, these strong associations do not necessarily imply that your H has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can make that determination. It nonetheless does suggest that you are seeing several warning signs for BPD. I therefore suggest you see your own psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion about your H's issues and about the likely implications of your own cutting.

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you take a look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them in Maybe's Thread. If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Crimson.


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