# lost, confused



## losinghope27 (Nov 12, 2011)

Hi everyone I need some help from people like myself going through a tough patch in their marriage. My husband and I have been married for 1year as of 10/23/11. We have been going out for 15 years on and off since childhood. I love him dearly but sometimes feel as though I'm not in love with him physically. We have a 4 yr old daughter together and I am 3months pregnant with our 2nd child. He moved out 2 days ago because of my constant arguing and nagging. He said I am making him miserable and he cant live like this. Over the last 3 months I have been very irritated and argumentative but I really was like that before pregnancy but it has gotten worst since the new pregnancy. I realize I have trust issues and I am constantly accussing him and qestioning his where abouts going through his phone and everything its just driving him nuts. He has stuck by me thru all this and I guess the other day was the last straw! I need him more than ever now I feel alone in my pregnancy. I'm scared I've lost him forever. I called him yesterday afternoon and he really didnt want to talk but I kind of forced him into a conversation. Thats when he let everything out he said I need to move on. He's not happy and our relationship isn't love that I verbally abuse him and I am controlling. He also stated that he doesn't like me because I'm hateful, spiteful, mean, and inconsiderate. He said we need a divorce. I don't know what to do. Should I call or wait for him to call me? Is this the end of our 1 yr marriage? I know the source of the problem and I am working on fixing this but what do I do now?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

LosingHope, welcome to the TAM forum. Trust is the foundation on which all friendships and marriages must be built. I therefore encourage you to see a clinical psychologist to learn what you have to do learn how to trust. It will take enormous commitment and hard work on your part because, of course, you will find it very hard to trust the therapist too. Even so, showing your H that you are working in therapy to correct the problem is your best chance -- if there is any chance left at all -- of winning him back. A therapist also will teach you how to control your fear of abandonment and your inability to control your emotions -- problems you likely have had since early childhood, perhaps due to a trauma occurring then. In any event, you must learn how to trust and regulate your emotions better to sustain a marriage and other LTRs. I wish the best for both of you.


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## losinghope27 (Nov 12, 2011)

tHANK YOU AND YOUR COMMENT WAS VERY HELPFUL. I guess everyone else that read my post must think I deserve to be left alone pregnant. Well I don't blame them and I don't blame him it is my fault. Thank you again.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

losinghope27 said:


> I guess everyone else that read my post must think I deserve to be left alone pregnant. Well I don't blame them and I don't blame him it is my fault.


Hope, it's not your fault that you have difficulty trusting others. It's not your fault you have difficulty controlling your emotions. It's not your fault that you haven't learned to do more self soothing so you can intellectually challenge your intense feelings (instead of accepting them as truths). And it is not your fault that you have a strong fear of abandonment. If you suffer from all of those issues -- as I suspect -- they were imposed on you in early childhood and were not something you asked for.

That said, you are now an adult with a child and therefore have the responsibility to learn to manage and control all those issues. There are excellent treatment programs all over the USA targeted to exactly those issues. 

Significantly, you stand a very good chance of doing very well in such programs because you have an amazing level of self awareness -- a level that I rarely see in folks suffering from your issues. I say this because the vast majority of them would come here complaining about their gawd awful Hs. In contrast, you came here acknowledging that you have serious issues and declaring a willingness to go out and do something to heal yourself.

I nonetheless caution that you are not home free yet because self awareness alone is not sufficient. I've seen many self aware people on the forums acknowledging that they have issues but doing only endless whining -- never being willing to tolerate the pain of actually staying in therapy programs long enough to make a difference. That occurs because these issues are normally accompanied by tremendous self loathing and shame carried from childhood. Hence, the last thing the person wants to do is to confront the issues -- as you have already done -- and work on them (which you have yet to do). That is, the last thing they want is to add one more thing to the long list of things they hate about themselves.

Given that you have the courage to add to that list, what remains to be seen is whether you have the ego strength to do something about it. This means contacting a trusted doctor (or psych dept. at a local hospital or university) to obtain a recommendation for a very good psychologist. As with the members of all professions, psychologists vary greatly in skill sets and you don't want to risk luck-of-the-draw. This also means working hard in therapy and staying with it -- for your sake and for that of your child -- regardless of what your H does or does not do. My heart goes out to you because doing the right thing will be a difficult task. And doing the wrong thing will be more difficult still.


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## losinghope27 (Nov 12, 2011)

Thank you for your advice and you have alot of key points in there. I definetly think my trust issues come from past relationships. I have often seeked professional help and never follow through with it which is my fault. I think I need help in dealing with issues that were here way before my marriage. Alot of times I worry about things I have no power over. Thanks I will take all into consideration.


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