# I almost lost the love of my life and I need help to make the changes needed to save



## wanderingwheat

My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We pretty much knew we were meant to be together from our first date. I have a son from a previous relationship, which he accepted and has always tried to be the best parent he can be to him. (In this post I will refer to him as my son just for the sake of clarity, since he is not the biological son of my husband.)


As I had been a single mother for about 11 years, when my husband came into the picture there was, not unexpectedly, a lot of turmoil. My son had been through a traumatic incident involving an accident where he was burned and had his hearing damaged, leading to him developing PTSD. My husband came into the picture about a year after this incident, and my son did a lot of acting out. He refused to go to school, and had tantrums. I had not done a good job of maintaining discipline due to illness and depression. However, my husband did what he could, and he turned the situation around dramatically.


While our love has always been there for each other, we have had some bumps on the road: I was diagnosed with an illness shortly after we met, and he has dealt with (and overcome) a video game addiction. We both have a lot of cards stacked against us struggling with tendencies towards depression and anxiety, but are both good at getting help when we need it from a doctor or therapist, and are both taking prescribed medication that has helped us a great deal.


We have always felt like a team, but as my son has grown older, the challenges have grown. He is now almost 17 years old. Unfortunately he has been diagnosed with a number of conditions, including Tourette's, ADD and Aspergers. While he is a sweet, quiet, and generally happy boy, he is also used to getting his way and has a number of bad habits because of my lax nature of enforcing rules and regulations in the house-he has more or less gotten his way and done whatever he wanted to do. My husband is the disciplinarian, and I have tried but struggled to put my foot down when I should because I've seen my son as disadvantaged and felt sorry for him-as if enforcing rules would make his life even harder.


Eventually my husband gave up because of my unwillingness to follow through. This meant that more or less no rules were being followed. My son developed a computer addiction, and didn't care about anything else. He gave up on homework, and all other activities. We knew that we needed to do something but felt helpless and did not know where to start. Usually discussions we had about how to fix the problems ended up with me losing my temper or us stonewalling and not being able to work past it, and thus leaving the cycle to continue.


We have also dealt with long periods of a "dead bedroom" (several months) but this summer had made great strides and it was gratifying to see how much of an improvement was possible-we really felt like newlyweds again and it was wonderful to have that intimacy again.


Obviously over time, the pressure of raising a child with so many problems has left us feeling helpless and stressed. It has affected our sex life, as well as pretty much every other area. We grew into a endless circle of him disciplining and trying to bring structure and me sabotaging his efforts (unconsciously) by giving in to the manipulation. The last few months the sex has dwindled from a few times a week, to twice a month, and now it's been a month, due to both of us feeling so depressed about the situation with my son.


What this has resulted in is that, besides the intimacy issue, my husband no longer felt I was backing him up when we try to enforce rules. I also felt helpless because I wanted to make him happy but I also wanted to keep my son happy. Very bad cycle to be in.


Finally this weekend the **** hit the fan. I knew he was at his wits end. We had a long discussion, and I finally realized that I had to change, drastically. I finally understood the gravity of what was happening, in a way I never had before. I gave him my word that from that point on I would back him 100% and not back down. That we were going to practice the "tough love" concept on my son and do what we had to do to give him a chance at an independent life, instead of just doing what we had to keep him content and happy, which was not serving any purpose but to keep him from achieving that independence. I felt good about the talk, and ready to change my ways, and was feeling strong in my resolve, after understanding the mistakes of my ways.


The next morning I could see he was not doing well. I sat down and asked him what he was feeling. He started to cry and told me he had spent most of the night sitting up and thinking about our relationship and the situation with my son, and while he loved me, he felt that he could not go on and finally told me that this was the end of our relationship. He explained how unhappy he felt because I sabotaged his attempts to parent my son. He felt alone, and was exhausted over the on-off nature of our sex life. He felt exasperated with the way we both would withdraw with our depressive episodes.


I was in complete shock at first, and my initial reaction was that he could not do this. I told him that, and said that I would not let him do this. That he could not leave. When I saw that he would not respond I felt so terrified and shocked and devastated that I went to him, holding him and begging him not to do this. We both were sobbing while I pleaded with him, telling him how much I loved him, and how much I needed him. I couldn't let go of him and repeatedly tried to make eye contact and tried to clearly demonstrate how dedicated I was to us and what we had built over these 8 years. I told him that he was the only one for me, that there was no one else for me, and even if there was it didn't matter, because I wanted and needed him. I wasn't hysterical, but I was tearful while I told him that I thought we would grow old together, that we had so many dreams and hopes for the future together, and that we couldn't throw it away. I didn't beg on my knees, but I needed him to understand the depth of my love and commitment to him, and that no sacrifice was too great for me to make to save our marriage.


After I had expressed myself, and we talked a bit more, I was able to get him to reconsider his wish to end the relationship. He was willing to try but he said that he had to have hope. Without hope, he said that he could not continue. I understood and vowed then and there to do whatever it took.


Sadly, it took us hitting rock bottom to be able to understand the seriousness of our troubles. I always knew that I loved this man-in fact, adored this man-but I did not understand just how badly I had been in caring for our marriage, and myself, and respecting his attempts at parenting my son. I had a total revelation about the mistakes of my ways.


Thankfully, he was able to find it in him to give us another chance, and not leave the relationship. However, I am in a terrified state. I want to take care of him, and give him what he needs. All he has ever done is give completely of himself to me and my son. He is the most kind, and caring, thoughtful man, a wonderful listener and funny as hell. He did not deserve this, and I want to change, I want to make up for all the mistakes I have made and the fact I took our relationship for granted-took him for granted.


I am sorry this post is so long, but the bottom line is-can you please help me, and tell me about how I can go about in the every day making him feel appreciated, and loved? I don't want to smother him, but I never want him to feel that unhappy and alone ever again. I am hoping some of the husbands (men) out there could help me out in understand what it is like to feel isolated in a marriage and what us wives can do when we are committed to making a change and re-devoting ourselves to our marriage. I am not saying I want to be his robot slave here, but I see that I have neglected his needs in a huge way and I never want to make that mistake again.


I am also wondering about others who have been through a similar crisis-hearing my husband say that this is the end of our relationship has haunted me. Will that pain fade? I just want to hold him and be together physically, but I know he is feeling a bit bruised and needs some time (although we did hug and he held my hand over breakfast) so at least we're not completely far gone. We were able to laugh again together today, it's not like its awkward, but I just wonder if it is just going to take some time to heal from such a traumatic, devastating discussion where I almost thought we were through.


Thank you for any words of advice or thoughts you may have, and thank you for reading this wall of text


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## anchorwatch

Sorry about your situation. Many times we don't reach out for help until it's too late. You may have bought some time. Don't be too clingy. You apologized, now go about working on yourself. Actions counts, not words. Continue to use this place and the general area for your questions...

Download these books today and read them from front to back. 

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage eBook: Willard F. Jr. Harley: 

Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love eBook: Willard F. Jr. Harley

Call an MC (Marriage and Family Therapist) Monday morning and make an appointment ASAP. 

Your husband is right about your son. You can not enable his bad or inappropriate behavior. He must experience real world boundaries or he will never be able to transition to the outside world. What ever his past or disability is "Do not parent by guilt". It doesn't allow them to grow up.

 Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No : John Townsend

Support for parents 

Good luck


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## hawx20

Parts of your story were similar to mine. I just found out my wife cheated on me and even though I have always said I would never stay if she cheated, I am staying. I'm not ready to have my kids world torn apart. 

My wife, like you, was a single mother. The "father", for lack of a better word, is the person she had an affair with. He is an absentee father in every sense of the word. A real loser.

Anyways, I felt like your husband did. Totally unappreciated, my wife never backed me up, in fact, she always played the "good" parent when it came time to discipline. When it came to my stepson, she never backed me up. All he had to do was look at her with sad eyes and I was done. I too ended up giving up disciplining him because it just led to fights between her and I.

I told my wife last night that I no longer love her and I was done with the marriage. I just dont know if I can get over her affair, and even if I could, the woman she had become was not someone worth fighting for. I deserve to be loved, appreciated, and desired. She hadnt been any of those to me in years. She is being all those since finding out about her affair, and she says thats the woman she wants to be. Time will tell.

Maybe your husband wants what I want. I want a woman by my side who sees us as one. Its us against the world. We provide a unified front to everything, including discipline of the kids. I want a woman who truly be there through thick and thin, not a woman who is bored with me or needs excitement all the time. You know how you read stories about a person being in an accident and losing their legs....and the spouse is there with them every step of the way? I want someone who would do that. Someone who loves me no matter what and understands that vows are just not words you say in a ceremony.

Bottom line, your husband wants to feel loved, respected, and appreciated. Always let him know you love him, always tell him how good he makes you feel. Let him know how lucky you are to have him in your life. Thank him for taking your child as his own. Dont do what my wife did....she expects me to accept him as my own, but only on her conditions.


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