# Guys, Please Dont Do This



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

If you're going to attempt to have a conversation with your wife about your bedroom skills or lack thereof, if you're concerned that you're not pleasing her, please don't act like her not being satisfied by you is her fault. Don't keep bringing up the fact that you know she enjoys certain sexual positions, and don't act hurt because she shys away from those positions with you. Don't claim that you want her to tell you the truth about your sexual prowess and then get upset when she admits that "your technique could be improved upon).

My husband and I had sex tonight and afterwards he wanted to talk about why I kept trying to get him to stop giving me oral sex. I won't call it a conversation because it wasn't, it went more like this:

H: do you think I'm bad at oral?

Me: no.....why do you ask?

H: you kept pushing my head away and closing your legs

Me: its hard to keep your legs open when someone's between your legs

H: oh..... I see

Me: well I mean, your technique could be improved upon

H: yeah, I thought so. Seems like you love it with everyboy else, just not with me

Me: I don't love it with everybody else... I enjoy it with you I just prefer the other things we do more

H: so its just me then, you are pretty keen on gettng oral from other people, but with me you just prefer other stuff

Me: like I said, there could be so improvement in technique, but I'm ok with everything

H: if I'm bad you can just tell me, my feelings won't get hurt

Me: you're not bad.... I'm sorry if I made you feel like that

H: well clearly you don't like it from me

Me: how can I make you feel like I enjoy it?

H: its not you that's the problem, its me clearly

Me: you're not a problem

H: ok, I'm gonna go downstairsto sleep

Me: ..........k ......good night

Don't do this, all this accomplomished was making me feel like I can not tell him that his technique is bad. His felings got hurt and I ended up apologizng. He didn't even asked what he could have done to improve, I wsh he would've , maybe I could've attempted to give some tips. When he refers to "everyone else" he's talking about my past lovers, he knows that receving oral was very important to me in past sexual relationships, we talked a lot our past sexual experiences when we first got together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Floxie.... I really don't see him doing anything wrong. You should have been open and honest right there about it when he asked instead of lying to him. If your determined to keep having sex with him.. then I suggest you actually be honest and stop stringing him along. Don't lie, be blunt and open.. that way he can improve and make it more enjoyable while it lasts.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Aren't you getting ready to divorce him because, I don't know... He's a doofus and you can't stand him? Why do you care how he feels? You're about ready to drop the mother of all nuclear bombs on him and you're worried about hurting his feelings?

Are you for real? 

Give me an effing break.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Floxie.... I really don't see him doing anything wrong. You should have been open and honest right there about it when he asked instead of lying to him. If your determined to keep having sex with him.. then I suggest you actually be honest and stop stringing him along. Don't lie, be blunt and open.. that way he can improve and make it more enjoyable while it lasts.


Well I was honest, eventually anyway.... I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I tried to say it gently, but his feelings still got hurt. If he'd just sat me down and confidently said something like "I can tell that you're not being satisfied in bed, but I know I an please you I just need a bit ofyour input" then I think I would have felt more confident in trying to give some tips.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Aren't you getting ready to divorce him because, I don't know... He's a doofus and you can't stand him? Why do you care how he feels? You're about ready to drop the mother of all nuclear bombs on him and you're worried about hurting his feelings?
> 
> Are you for real?
> 
> ...


Bandit, I usualy try not to respond to clearly bitter people as their advice is typically tainted but I'll say this. My husband is not a doofus, nor can I "not stand him". I care how he feels because I've been with him since I was a teenager. My love for my husband didn't end when he began attcking me, but my "like" for him did. I do plan to divore him, and I'll still love him even as I do that. I'll just love him from afar because he can't cope with me being ill and I can't cope with the put downs
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well clearly he is lacking in confidence as well... those sort of conversations are never easy.. especially for a man. You can't expect him to take initiative all the time... sometimes the woman needs to take charge.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

How is he attacking you? Just curious...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Unhappy2011 said:


> lol...spoken like a true woman.


Hey!!  :rofl:


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Unhappy2011 said:


> This has bad communication written all over it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I'll definitely admit that I could have been honest in the first place, its just the way he asked, like he alread felt bad about not satisfying me and I just didnt want to confirm that he had every right to feel bad because I was inded not satisfied. I should've been honest initially though, that's true. We talked a lot about our past sexual relationships when we got together, no real why lol, we just did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm curious... if your emotionally disconnected from him.. like you stated in a previous thread. Why would you worry about hurting his feelings? Furthmore... why continue to have sex?


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Gaia said:


> How is he attacking you? Just curious...


Gaia, its a long story.... but the short of it is that I got very ill and my husband "coped/copes" by putting me down anytime I show signs of being ill
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm sure this has already been asked... but.. have you both considered counseling? Would you even be interested in going?


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Gaia said:


> I'm curious... if your emotionally disconnected from him.. like you stated in a previous thread. Why would you worry about hurting his feelings? Furthmore... why continue to have sex?


I worry about hurting his feelings because I love him even though I don't feel "in love" with him. I've been with him for a long time and I don't hate him, I just don't lik him very much. We continue to have sex because he pouts and acts like a jerk when we don't, so its easier to just "do it" for me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Unhappy2011 said:


> So you expect him to be more confident talking to you while you're beating around the bush...pun intended....and making excuses for your own lack of confidence in being direct?
> 
> *He is just supposed to read your mind and say the right thing, so you don't have to?
> 
> lol...spoken like a true woman*.


Hey, that's not cool, don't lump all of us together because SOME women won't clearly speak their minds.
That's like saying all men are pigs, or some other stupid stereotype/generalization.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

You should really stop taking the easy route floxie. Clearly there is alot needing to be fixed and if your unwilling to put the effort into fixing the relationship and are determined to end it... then stop stringing your husband along. Stop the duty sex and stop lying to him to "spare" his feelings. As far as him putting you down when your ill.. well stand up for yourself and outright tell him how that makes you feel. If he doesn't seem to give a damn.. then you really shouldn't give a damn when it comes to his "performance" in bed. Of course... I really don't think you should be even having sex if all it is for you is a chore... but that's just my opinion.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Well clearly he is lacking in confidence as well... those sort of conversations are never easy.. especially for a man. You can't expect him to take initiative all the time... sometimes the woman needs to take charge.


Yup, take charge a little, and don't be afraid to tell him what you like...in subtle ways. It's all in how it's done.

My W is an example. Early on in her previous marriage, she would give the hubby oral. She enjoys doing it. But, she was not good. He, at some point told her she "sucked at that". That was the last bj he ever got from her. What an idiot.

Now, I'll say, when we met, it is true, she was not very good at it. BUT, she was enthusiastic and it seemed she enjoyed what she was trying to do. I told her from the start she was good at it (her technique was not good, but her desire and enthusiasm made this a true enough statement). From there, when she was doing something really good, I'd moan, grab her hair, and say "oh..my...god...that's incredible baby! Don't stop!" Or (I like it slow), when she'd slow down a bit from getting tired, she'd get some very encouraging signals from me. She wasn't stupid. She was fully aware of the signals I was sending and read them, and responded to them.

I cannot fathom that anyone would tell this woman she "sucked" at that with her enthusiasm. She wanted and needed a little direction and encouragement. Nobody wants to think they suck at oral. She did not, she just needed some, dare I say "fine tuning" to get me "just right". If the enthusiasm and desire is there, yet the person still "sucks" at it, that is the fault of the receiver...not the giver.

She now goes down as the best bj of my life. And I get them often from her. And I never have to ask. She is extremely talented at it. Because I gave her some sense of "direction" in something she could not know anything about and nobody had ever cared to (or knew hot to) do. Sucks for them (no pun intended), because this woman can give mind blowing bj's. She had the enthusiasm and desire, all she needed was some subtle direction and cues. Too bad for them they did not know how to do so.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Gaia said:


> You should really stop taking the easy route floxie. Clearly there is alot needing to be fixed and if your unwilling to put the effort into fixing the relationship and are determined to end it... then stop stringing your husband along. Stop the duty sex and stop lying to him to "spare" his feelings. As far as him putting you down when your ill.. well stand up for yourself and outright tell him how that makes you feel. If he doesn't seem to give a damn.. then you really shouldn't give a damn when it comes to his "performance" in bed. Of course... I really don't think you should be even having sex if all it is for you is a chore... but that's just my opinion.


I agree with you gaia, I do need to stop taking the easy route, I guess I do it because its, well, easiest. My relationship with my husband is pretty much done, he's aware of that so I dont realy feel like I'm stringing along. I can see that he is trying to fix it, but he's going about it in all the wrong ways. He's tryin to fix it through sex, by pleasing me and all that, but that won't fix it and it actually just agitates me and turns me off more from him. If I felt that he would at least attempt to fix it MY WAY, then we could maybe get somewhere, but alas, no luck there. I don't think I should be having chore sex with him either, it physicaly and emotionaly exhausts and I gain nothing from it. But its easier to deal with that, than the alternative
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Part of fixing a relationship and making it work.. is effort from both sides... not just one floxie. He is trying the only way he knows how... but if your refusing to communicate anything with him to move things in the right direction.. then of course it will never get fixed... or go your way. Both sides do need to make compromises and sacrifices for one another.... as well as working together to achieve the same goals. If your not willing to put forth the effort one way or the other... I doubt any future relationship you have will last.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Unhappy2011 said:


> lol.....come on......


Hey, people get called out all the time for making sweeping generalizations, especially sexist leaning comments. 
It's stupid when women or men do it. 
Just sayin', don't lump us all tgether. 

Now, back to our regular scheduled programming.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Part of fixing a relationship and making it work.. is effort from both sides... not just one floxie. He is trying the only way he knows how... but if your refusing to communicate anything with him to move things in the right direction.. then of course it will never get fixed... or go your way. Both sides do need to make compromises and sacrifices for one another.... as well as working together to achieve the same goals. If your not willing to put forth the effort one way or the other... I doubt any future relationship you have will last.


You know gaia, I don't want this marriage to work, I just can't see myself living happily ever after with my husband after the way I was treated in my most vunerable state. And honestly, he needs to be with someone who is healthy in order to be happy, so this marriage endng is a win/win for both of us.

I have talked to my husband a million times about what I need, I talked to hospital therpaist as well. He can't seem to do those things (or doesn't want to). I think that for many reasons, he can't cope well being in a relationship with someone who is ill, it makes him angry so he lashes out. My husband loves through sex, so he is trying to get me to love him with sex, but he can't (won't) seem to acknowlede that that's not what I'm asking for. I don't need an awesome sex life, I need a husband that cares about my health.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

floxie said:


> I agree with you gaia, I do need to stop taking the easy route, I guess I do it because its, well, easiest. My relationship with my husband is pretty much done, he's aware of that so I dont realy feel like I'm stringing along. I can see that he is trying to fix it, but he's going about it in all the wrong ways. *He's tryin to fix it through sex, by pleasing me and all that, but that won't fix it and it actually just agitates me and turns me off more from him. If I felt that he would at least attempt to fix it MY WAY, then we could maybe get somewhere, but alas, no luck there.* I don't think I should be having chore sex with him either, it physicaly and emotionaly exhausts and I gain nothing from it. But its easier to deal with that, than the alternative
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe that's the problem, neither of you is going to "fix" your marriage YOUR or HIS way, that's when a MC could help the situation to show you other ways to heal. 
It's obvious you love him, it's obivious he's making an effort, maybe you both need a little push to an impartial, neutral 3rd person who can give you both constructive input to working to save the marriage.
(Yes, I read your previous post regarding why you're on TAM.)


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

floxie said:


> You know gaia, I don't want this marriage to work, I just can't see myself living happily ever after with my husband after the way I was treated in my most vunerable state. And honestly, he needs to be with someone who is healthy in order to be happy, so this marriage endng is a win/win for both of us.
> 
> I have talked to my husband a million times about what I need, I talked to hospital therpaist as well. He can't seem to do those things (or doesn't want to). I think that for many reasons, he can't cope well being in a relationship with someone who is ill, it makes him angry so he lashes out. My husband loves through sex, so he is trying to get me to love him with sex, but he can't (won't) seem to acknowlede that that's not what I'm asking for. I don't need an awesome sex life, I need a husband that cares about my health.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you don't want it to work... then just completely disconnected. Stop making any effort all together. No relationship that I know of has that... "Happily ever after" going for it. You know.. my own spouse was quite insensitive to my needs in the past before as well. He's left me in a vulnerable state many times, lashed out, went off and got drunk instead of coming home. There had been quite a few times I'd been left sitting at home crying while he had stormed out.. but you know.. since i chose to stay.. i put forth more of an effort to express to him how his behavior effected me. I sure as heck didn't do it in the right way to begin with.. but after alot of fricken hard work, going through numerous arguments and fights, dealing with alot of pain... we are now in a better place then where we were. There had been several times I had felt like i didn't want it to work either... several times where i wanted to just quit.... but since i stayed.. i put in the effort to find ways to improve our relationship. This here forum has been a big help in that as well.. there are plenty of informative threads here, books, links, ect and if your willing... it can work.. if not.. then .. like i said.. just quit all together. My H and I can't and couldn't afford counseling but there have been suggestions on how to get it at little to no cost and we plan to do just that when we have the time to do so. Perhaps you could give it a shot... if you truly love your H like you say you do.. if not.. well.. like i said... just stop.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I wonder if you were able to get to the root of why your husband seems so oblivious regarding your sickness, if it would make a difference.
I ask that because this thread just reminded me of something that happened to me last Dec.

We had just moved into our new home, so I was still getting used to the our bedroom set up.
Well one morning at 6am I tripped coming back to bed from the bathroom, I fell & hit my head on my solid wood nightstand.
I thought I had gone blind, I screamed my H's name, he flew out of bed & ran to my side on the floor, where I had fallen.
He was very terse with me, demanding to see my face, being very brusque with me as I laid there crying & freaking out.
My eyelid was flayed open, I had a gash across my nose & already was starting to form black eyes. 
He managed to calm me down long enought to help me get dressed & to load me into the car.
He was so mean to me as we drove to the hospital, I physically shrank away from him into the side panel of the car door.
It took him about another 20 mins to calm the f'k down enough to finally stop, look at me & apologize.
You see my H, the big, strong, Alpha male solider, was scared sh*tless when I got hurt, he didn't know what to do.
When it came to his wife being hurt, he was completely at a loss & as pissed off as I've ever seen him because of how helpless he felt. 

I'm sharing this story with you because maybe your husband is lost too, maybe he never could fully express how scared, hopeless & helpless he felt when you got sick.
Instead of reacting in a way to make you feel loved, he lashed out because of his own fear.
Fear is usually the motivation behind anger.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop having sex with the man. Love him or not, it's wrong to let him think he's "fixing" something when you're already done.

Just stop.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sometimes people can't handle illness of a loved one because it's scary and they can't help it. It's something they can't control or make better. Not saying it's right to be dismissive or cruel about an illness, not at all...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

floxie said:


> I'll definitely admit that I could have been honest in the first place, its just the way he asked, like he alread felt bad about not satisfying me and I just didnt want to confirm that he had every right to feel bad because I was inded not satisfied. I should've been honest initially though, that's true. We talked a lot about our past sexual relationships when we got together, no real why lol, we just did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with the others that you beat around the bush.

There is no need to tell him that he's bad at things. Just say something like, "Would you like me to show you some things next time? We could have fun with some show and tell."

It's like you are not going to tell him unless he guesses the exact perfect question that you want him to say.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Unhappy - you are aware that sexist and disrespectful comments are against Forum rules, right??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I guess it depends on whether you want to help him change his technique to help him and/or your relationship, or if you just want to build up more resentment towards him, so you can leave more easily.

That conversation you posted didn't sound like anything except one person trying to find out how to do things better, while the other person lied about how they felt and what they wanted. Really passive aggressive stuff. You obviously really want to punish him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Phenix70 said:


> I wonder if you were able to get to the root of why your husband seems so oblivious regarding your sickness, if it would make a difference.
> I ask that because this thread just reminded me of something that happened to me last Dec.
> 
> We had just moved into our new home, so I was still getting used to the our bedroom set up.
> ...


:iagree:

All anger is based on some type of fear.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Gaia said:


> If you don't want it to work... then just completely disconnected. Stop making any effort all together. No relationship that I know of has that... "Happily ever after" going for it. You know.. my own spouse was quite insensitive to my needs in the past before as well. He's left me in a vulnerable state many times, lashed out, went off and got drunk instead of coming home. There had been quite a few times I'd been left sitting at home crying while he had stormed out.. but you know.. since i chose to stay.. i put forth more of an effort to express to him how his behavior effected me. I sure as heck didn't do it in the right way to begin with.. but after alot of fricken hard work, going through numerous arguments and fights, dealing with alot of pain... we are now in a better place then where we were. There had been several times I had felt like i didn't want it to work either... several times where i wanted to just quit.... but since i stayed.. i put in the effort to find ways to improve our relationship. This here forum has been a big help in that as well.. there are plenty of informative threads here, books, links, ect and if your willing... it can work.. if not.. then .. like i said.. just quit all together. My H and I can't and couldn't afford counseling but there have been suggestions on how to get it at little to no cost and we plan to do just that when we have the time to do so. Perhaps you could give it a shot... if you truly love your H like you say you do.. if not.. well.. like i said... just stop.


Its hard to just stop when you're living with someone. I see him everyday, we sleep in the same bed, we comminuciate talk/laugh. I don't want it work, and I've expressed that to my husband. I'm going to continue bing cordial with/to my husband because like I said, I don't hate him, I just need to be with someone who has better coping skills in order for me to happy and feel safe. And he needs to be with someone healthy so that he is happy and feels safe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

floxie said:


> I agree with you gaia, I do need to stop taking the easy route, I guess I do it because its, well, easiest. My relationship with my husband is pretty much done, he's aware of that so I dont realy feel like I'm stringing along. I can see that he is trying to fix it, but he's going about it in all the wrong ways. He's tryin to fix it through sex, by pleasing me and all that, but that won't fix it and it actually just agitates me and turns me off more from him. If I felt that he would at least attempt to fix it MY WAY, then we could maybe get somewhere, but alas, no luck there. I don't think I should be having chore sex with him either, it physicaly and emotionaly exhausts and I gain nothing from it. But its easier to deal with that, than the alternative
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's probably trying to fix it through sex because sex is how guys feel closer to their spouses. So he figures that if he feels close to you after sex than you must too. When that doesn't happen he figures, "Maybe it's because I can't give her oral "right" and she's bitter about it. If I can just make her like oral then she will feel closer to me." 

You're the one causing the problems here. He asked you a question then you flat-out lied and then evaded. He got frustrated that he couldn't get the truth out of you and left. Seems normal to me. What's not normal is your passive-aggressive attempts at supposedly sparing his feelings. Obviously you're not doing a good job at that because he still walks away feeling hurt and rejected. If you just told him what he could do to fix it in the first place and then offered to let him practice next time then he probably would have cuddled up to you. 

If you were inclined to let him fix it then all you had to do is let him go down there and say in throaty voice, "Oh yeah baby, suck my clit." or something to that effect. Then when he does it give him further direction. Make one correction each session. Next time he'll automatically go to doing the thing you said last time so you can fix something new. The men you have been with that have been good at oral have all been trained by some woman. They have the skills you lacked. So this is in effect, your problem.

I know this guy has other issues. I'm just taking this conversation at face value.


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

floxie said:


> Its hard to just stop when you're living with someone. I see him everyday, we sleep in the same bed, we comminuciate talk/laugh. I don't want it work, and I've expressed that to my husband. I'm going to continue bing cordial with/to my husband because like I said, I don't hate him, I just need to be with someone who has better coping skills in order for me to happy and feel safe. And he needs to be with someone healthy so that he is happy and feels safe.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just admit that you're stringing him along because you need something from him. You need his help and support while you're sick. Once you got your crap together, you're going to drop him like a hot-potato. Let's just call a spade a spade.

I'm really sorry for your health problems. Truly! But the way you're behaving is nuts. Stop sleeping in the same bed and stop having sex with him if you don't want to.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> I wonder if you were able to get to the root of why your husband seems so oblivious regarding your sickness, if it would make a difference.
> I ask that because this thread just reminded me of something that happened to me last Dec.
> 
> We had just moved into our new home, so I was still getting used to the our bedroom set up.
> ...


I do belive this phenix actually. I could see that he would only lash out when I showed signs of being ill, but when I seemed healthy, we were great and he was happy. So it was defnitely fear, anger at my illnes not necesarily me, it was most definitely helplessness and probably a feeling that if I would just "get up and do something" everything would go back to normal. The thing though is that that's not ok. Even if does all stem frm anger/fear. I needed my husband to be there for me because my being sick wasn't about him, it was about me. And I deserved to have my husband support me when I was in the hospital, not bully and brow beat me.I do hope one day he can learn to cope with being ill, his health is fading as well, diabetes/acid reflux/high bp, so he needs to know how to deal with illness. I just can't be the one to teach him, because by the time he "gets it", i'd be so bitter and angry, that i'd be no good for anyone else
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> I wonder if you were able to get to the root of why your husband seems so oblivious regarding your sickness, if it would make a difference.
> I ask that because this thread just reminded me of something that happened to me last Dec.
> 
> We had just moved into our new home, so I was still getting used to the our bedroom set up.
> ...


:iagree:

My husband is always harsh and forceful when I'm hurt. Like if I'm crying and he doesn't know what's wrong (got glass stuck in my hand and it was in the bone and I was just horrified and screaming) and will say, "Name, What IS IT? TELL ME WHAT IT IS! TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW!!!!" He won't even think to comfort me, he just wants to know what's wrong so he can fix it.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

happylovingwife said:


> Just admit that you're stringing him along because you need something from him. You need his help and support while you're sick. Once you got your crap together, you're going to drop him like a hot-potato. Let's just call a spade a spade.
> 
> I'm really sorry for your health problems. Truly! But the way you're behaving is nuts. Stop sleeping in the same bed and stop having sex with him if you don't want to.


I'm not stringing him along, he's my husband.... I'm not even sure how I could string him along lol, we're already married. I do need his help, of course I do, and he needs mine. Married people depend on one another, ya know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It might have been better for you to communicate to him at the time that you wanted him to, rather, do something else... I think his reaction (although unhelpful) was probably borne of frustration at not pleasing you.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

floxie said:


> Bandit, I usualy try not to respond to clearly bitter people as their advice is typically tainted but I'll say this. My husband is not a doofus, nor can I "not stand him". I care how he feels because I've been with him since I was a teenager. My love for my husband didn't end when he began attcking me, but my "like" for him did. I do plan to divore him, and I'll still love him even as I do that. I'll just love him from afar because he can't cope with me being ill and I can't cope with the put downs
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Plus you need time for your new boyfriend.

Just be honest with him. For what ever reason you refuse to do that. You lead him on, give him pitty sex, disparage and mock him, yet claim you love him. Just divorce him.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Floxie, please read a few of the posts here on how a few other men have handled situations like this.

One of the biggest problems I had was exactly this; whenever my wife was physically hurt or sick, I actually get angry and distance myself from her. I could not explain it at all, and felt totally guilty about my behavior. I actually rationalized it that it was because I did not love her enough for some reason. I literally would get outwardly angry and pissy at her and was utterly confused by my behaviors on the inside.

Like other have said, It was a total fear that this was one problem of hers that I COULD NOT FIX. I had zero control over helping her and I was paralyzed. For some reason my coping mechanism was to get mad at everything.

I now know why this happens and acknowledged it when I fell it so that I make sure I behave the way my wife needs me too.

It is very comforting to now know that I was not alone in this type of reaction.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

floxie said:


> Its hard to just stop when you're living with someone. I see him everyday, we sleep in the same bed, we comminuciate talk/laugh. I don't want it work, and I've expressed that to my husband. I'm going to continue bing cordial with/to my husband because like I said, I don't hate him, I just need to be with someone who has better coping skills in order for me to happy and feel safe. And he needs to be with someone healthy so that he is happy and feels safe.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When I knew my marriage wasn't worth the effort with my first marriage, I packed my child, clothes and left. I was very firm on my decision and wasn't wasting a single moment I didn't have to with that fool. Best thing I ever done! I'm now remarried and happier then ever. My ex is beyond a jerk. There was no being "friends" with him. He ruined that long before I left with his abuse and unfaithfulness.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Plus you need time for your new boyfriend.
> 
> Just be honest with him. For what ever reason you refuse to do that. You lead him on, give him pitty sex, disparage and mock him, yet claim you love him. Just divorce him.


Tall average guy....that's harsh lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

floxie said:


> Bandit, I usualy try not to respond to clearly bitter people as their advice is typically tainted but I'll say this. My husband is not a doofus, nor can I "not stand him". I care how he feels because I've been with him since I was a teenager. My love for my husband didn't end when he began attcking me, but my "like" for him did. I do plan to divore him, and I'll still love him even as I do that. I'll just love him from afar because he can't cope with me being ill and I can't cope with the put downs
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have been with him since you guys were teenagers yet you've had many partners who rocked your world orally? Really. Teenagers with great oral skills? I'm not saying it's not possible but come on. 

It really comes off as you just wanted to "put down" your husband and post about it. You may have been extra sensitive in that region and pushed him away at the moment (during oral), but I think instead of you saying, "I was sensitive", you decided to let his mind get the best of him. I assume since you are tired of being put down, you like to put him down too. Him being worried about teenage lovers oral skills is absolutely stupid, but I think it amuses you, so you run with it.

I assume you push him away because you refuse to enjoy it. You both know you'll enjoy it, but misery loves company. Instead of giving him the real reasons (sensitive, refuse to enjoy it) you hurt his feelings.


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

floxie said:


> I'm not stringing him along, he's my husband.... I'm not even sure how I could string him along lol, we're already married. I do need his help, of course I do, and he needs mine. Married people depend on one another, ya know
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sure you can string him along. You say he "knows" it's over, but how do you know? Does he come out and say it? How do you know what goes on in his head? The fact that he's still trying to please you in bed makes me think that he's not giving up on this marriage yet. You, on the other hand, are supposedly completely checked out. In another thread you said you were just waiting to get your stuff together so that you can move on. That's more than depending on someone, that's using him. Tell him that it's over and you're moving out on DATE XX and move to another bedroom of the house. Let him process that. Then you won't be using him anymore. 

I depend on my spouse and he depends on me, but guess what, I'm not planning on divorcing him anytime. I'm not keeping him around until I milk the last drop of usefulness out of him. 

Instead of fleeing when he acts like a jerk, go to a therapist with him and find out why he's acting like a jerk. Let the therapist help him. If still nothing changes then leave. At least then you've given your all. If you don't want to do that then just leave already.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

happylovingwife said:


> He's probably trying to fix it through sex because sex is how guys feel closer to their spouses. So he figures that if he feels close to you after sex than you must too. When that doesn't happen he figures, "Maybe it's because I can't give her oral "right" and she's bitter about it. If I can just make her like oral then she will feel closer to me."
> 
> You're the one causing the problems here. He asked you a question then you flat-out lied and then evaded. He got frustrated that he couldn't get the truth out of you and left. Seems normal to me. What's not normal is your passive-aggressive attempts at supposedly sparing his feelings. Obviously you're not doing a good job at that because he still walks away feeling hurt and rejected. If you just told him what he could do to fix it in the first place and then offered to let him practice next time then he probably would have cuddled up to you.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I know he's trying to fix it through sex, I actually said that a few posts back somewhere.... but I've laid it out for him as to how he could actually fix it (be there, listen to me, don't put me down) and he refuses. Its like he's gonna either fix it through having lots of awesome sex with me, because he can't be bothered with fixing it in some womanly emotional way. 

I probably was being passive/aggresive last night, I genuinely didn't want to hurt his feelings and felt bad when he left sulking. Maybe I'll try and talk with him this morning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

floxie said:


> I'm not stringing him along, he's my husband.... I'm not even sure how I could string him along lol, we're already married. I do need his help, of course I do, and he needs mine. Married people depend on one another, ya know
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


why or how could you have sex/make love to someone who repulsed you.

you are giving him the false hope that maybe just maybe things are improving. and he is noticing that your not sexually mentaly there when you have sex.

you need to fess up and tell him how hurt you are because of his less than desirable handeling of your unsually illness. and that you are repulsed by him sexually now and that as soon as you can leave you will.


or fight for your marriage by trying what you can.

sounds like you are done with your marriage and you should be truthfull instead of devious.

I sure as h*ll would not want to make love with someone who was repulsed by me or my actions.

what a mess!!!!!!


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Aristotle said:


> You have been with him since you guys were teenagers yet you've had many partners who rocked your world orally? Really. Teenagers with great oral skills? I'm not saying it's not possible but come on.
> 
> It really comes off as you just wanted to "put down" your husband and post about it. You may have been extra sensitive in that region and pushed him away at the moment (during oral), but I think instead of you saying, "I was sensitive", you decided to let his mind get the best of him. I assume since you are tired of being put down, you like to put him down too. Him being worried about teenage lovers oral skills is absolutely stupid, but I think it amuses you, so you run with it.
> 
> I assume you push him away because you refuse to enjoy it. You both know you'll enjoy it, but misery loves company. Instead of giving him the real reasons (sensitive, refuse to enjoy it) you hurt his feelings.


You seem angry, its like there's another "tall average guy" lol. I kid, I kid
No but seriously, I have been with him since I was a teenager, me 19 and him 24.... 

My husband isn't good at oral, that's the reality as he's only gone down on two women in his life and has slept with a lot of escorts who couldn't have cared less about his oral skills. I wasn't sensitive, and I wouldn't have enjoyed it because he's no good at it BUT I could've expressed that in a better way an been more honest
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

floxie said:


> Tall average guy....that's harsh lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sometimes the truth is.

Even assuming that your husband is as awful as you portray him, you seem hell bent on getting to his level as soon as possible. 

For your own health and well being, stop the cycle, get off the ride, whatever metaphor works for you. Separate, detach, start the process of healing and moving on.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

floxie said:


> Yeah, I know he's trying to fix it through sex, I actually said that a few posts back somewhere.... but I've laid it out for him as to how he could actually fix it (be there, listen to me, don't put me down) and he refuses. Its like he's gonna either fix it through having lots of awesome sex with me, because he can't be bothered with fixing it in some womanly emotional way.
> 
> *I probably was being passive/aggresive last night*, I genuinely didn't want to hurt his feelings and felt bad when he left sulking. Maybe I'll try and talk with him this morning.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Floxie, there is no "probably" involved. You tried to completely avoid it. I did the same thing when my husband and I were disconnected. A couple times, he asked me "are we ok?" and, instead of telling him "no, and I am not sure how to fix it"... I said "yea, we're fine". Wrong move. He sensed there was something amiss, but I lied to him...and my resentment grew. Fortunately, for us, we were able to reconnect.

The only thing I am going to suggest is sitting him down, look him in the eye, and TELL him the TRUTH... "We're not working here. I've told you what *I* need, but you brush it all off. Sex *IS NOT* going to fix things for me." reiterate what you need from him.

But, to answer your question as to whether or not you can string him along? You absolutely can. By giving in to what HE wants from YOU, you give the illusion that all is well (even if he knows on some level that everything is not well), when you really have made up your mind that you are divorcing him when you are feeling better. And, what happens if you never feel better? Are you going to stay married to him, miserable?

If you want to divorce him, divorce him. Tell him you have made the decision. Don't keep stringing him along like this.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

hubby said:


> Floxie, please read a few of the posts here on how a few other men have handled situations like this.
> 
> One of the biggest problems I had was exactly this; whenever my wife was physically hurt or sick, I actually get angry and distance myself from her. I could not explain it at all, and felt totally guilty about my behavior. I actually rationalized it that it was because I did not love her enough for some reason. I literally would get outwardly angry and pissy at her and was utterly confused by my behaviors on the inside.
> 
> ...


hubby, your situation sounds so much like mine and my husbads that its creepy

Well I'll tell you this, you wife likely has a lot of resentment towards you. And it probably has a lot to do with why your sex life is not where you'd like it to be.

I do know how long ago or how often she is ill, but it really does a number on a womans psyche/safety and security when the man that promised to protect her, bullies her when she's weak. I get why some guys may do that, but it doesn't make it alright, know what I mean?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Does not make it right at all. It took me a long time to figure this out. I never really told my wife as I thought we moved past it but maybe I should bring it up sometime.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

hubby said:


> Does not make it right at all. It took me a long time to figure this out. I never really told my wife as I thought we moved past it but maybe I should bring it up sometime.


Yeah, maybeyou should bring it up, and apologize if you never have. Hopefully you've rectified that behavior now. I know if my husband did that, and genuinely apologized, i'd feel so happy inside.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

floxie said:


> Yeah, maybeyou should bring it up, and apologize if you never have. Hopefully you've rectified that behavior now. I know if my husband did that, and genuinely apologized, i'd feel so happy inside.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am going to talk to her about it tonight.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

floxie said:


> I do belive this phenix actually. I could see that he would only lash out when I showed signs of being ill, but when I seemed healthy, we were great and he was happy. So it was defnitely fear, anger at my illnes not necesarily me, it was most definitely helplessness and probably a feeling that if I would just "get up and do something" everything would go back to normal. The thing though is that that's not ok. Even if does all stem frm anger/fear. I needed my husband to be there for me because my being sick wasn't about him, it was about me. And I deserved to have my husband support me when I was in the hospital, not bully and brow beat me.I do hope one day he can learn to cope with being ill, his health is fading as well, diabetes/acid reflux/high bp, so he needs to know how to deal with illness. I just can't be the one to teach him, because by the time he "gets it", i'd be so bitter and angry, that i'd be no good for anyone else
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have some experience with this myself. I get "sick" quite often. Have bad days. Sometimes, very rarely, I need emergency help, right now, minutes matter or I will need 911. He has freaked more than once. Gotten angry.

Mine isn't temporary. It's not a matter of getting over an injury. This is the rest of my life. H hasn't been very good at handling it in the past. I got over it. He's not perfect. No one is. You never know how someone will react when in a situation that is an emergency. Unless trained... very FEW people know how to stay calm. It's just as scary to them as it is to you.

Yeah, I've had the same thoughts. He should be supportive of him, he should be someone I can count on. But... it's not HIS problem. It's mine. And I get awesome support from a group of people who also have the same issues, waaaay better than he could ever provide, what does he know about it anyways? Not much. 

Feel free to read some of my threads. I don't want to make light of this too much... it bothers you so much personally that you would like to leave. 


Yeah, if he is lacking some coping skills, he could learn. Part of marriage. to teach each other. Or maybe it was you that was supposed to learn? How to cope with an inuury. How to figure out what you can do, and cannot do, and juggle things. How to ask for help when you need it. How to organize what needs to be done, cuz life doesn't stand still when you cannot move. How to speak up and ask for what you want. How to calm HIM down if he is upset so he is better able to respond to you. 

If he also has health issues, he might be scared stiff right now. If you are having difficulty managing... what would happen if something happened to him? 

I'm VERY sorry that you were injured. I truly am. I hope things get better soon, and you are able to prove to yourself that you can get over the challenges. Best wishes


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

You come on here, make a post about how terrible your husband is in bed, emphasizing the oral component and asking for advice how to improve your sex life as well as how to get him to be better at oral, then you start your conversation like this:



floxie said:


> H: do you think I'm bad at oral?
> 
> Me: no.....why do you ask?


You say it's impossible to teahc someone how to be better at oral, then start a conversation on oral sex like this? Wow. From the quoted part, two things are very obvious:

A) You haven't talked to him at all about oral, or he wouldn't be asking if you think he's bad or not

B) You flat out lied to him.

A student can't learn if he's got a terrible teacher.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> Wow.....are you really gonna LIE and say that my comment was sexist and disrespectful?
> 
> This is really hilarious.


Actually it's not.

How are you qualified to tell me or anyone else that their own feelings are "lies" anyhow? You don't get to decide someone else's reality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Hmm am I the only one that thinks attacking her is a little harsh. If she wants to do things over that what is the big problem and if he even cared to really satisfy her he should have asked what he could do. Bringing past lovers into the conversation was a huge BLOW and a NO GO


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

happylovingwife said:


> Sure you can string him along. You say he "knows" it's over, but how do you know? Does he come out and say it? How do you know what goes on in his head? The fact that he's still trying to please you in bed makes me think that he's not giving up on this marriage yet. You, on the other hand, are supposedly completely checked out. In another thread you said you were just waiting to get your stuff together so that you can move on. That's more than depending on someone, that's using him. Tell him that it's over and you're moving out on DATE XX and move to another bedroom of the house. Let him process that. Then you won't be using him anymore.
> 
> I depend on my spouse and he depends on me, but guess what, I'm not planning on divorcing him anytime. I'm not keeping him around until I milk the last drop of usefulness out of him.
> 
> Instead of fleeing when he acts like a jerk, go to a therapist with him and find out why he's acting like a jerk. Let the therapist help him. If still nothing changes then leave. At least then you've given your all. If you don't want to do that then just leave already.


I really don't think I can use my own husband? Use him for what? His money is mine, our house is mine, our bed is mine. It' all his as well. So if I'm using him I suppose I'm also using myself? Yes, I plan to stay in my own home until I am ready and capable of leaving, that's much more pracical and makes more sense to me than making mysef homeless while I'm sick, which seems silly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

floxie said:


> I really don't think I can use my own husband? Use him for what? His money is mine, our house is mine, our bed is mine. It' all his as well. So if I'm using him I suppose I'm also using myself? Yes, I plan to stay in my own home until I am ready and capable of leaving, that's much more pracical and makes more sense to me than making mysef homeless while I'm sick, which seems silly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, what's his is yours under the terms of a marriage.

That said, if you are planning on leaving, are you really operating under the terms of the marriage yourself?

Does he make more than you? Do you really bring things in on a 50/50 basis? If he's earning more than you, I'd argue that, given your current mental state towards the marriage, you are using him, freely spending the money he makes all the while readying yourself to end the marriage on your terms.

Now, if you make the money, that's different, but if not, you are using him. Not yourself, him. You are freely taking what you are "owed" from the marriage, but not contributing back what you owe (as in an honest effort right o the very end). 

If you don't to be there, fine, leave, but don't try and make it out to be his fault but still take from him all the benefits you can get.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Floxie, there is no "probably" involved. You tried to completely avoid it. I did the same thing when my husband and I were disconnected. A couple times, he asked me "are we ok?" and, instead of telling him "no, and I am not sure how to fix it"... I said "yea, we're fine". Wrong move. He sensed there was something amiss, but I lied to him...and my resentment grew. Fortunately, for us, we were able to reconnect.
> 
> The only thing I am going to suggest is sitting him down, look him in the eye, and TELL him the TRUTH... "We're not working here. I've told you what *I* need, but you brush it all off. Sex *IS NOT* going to fix things for me." reiterate what you need from him.
> 
> ...


Ha ha Maricha, you know, you're absolutey right. I was trying to avoid it, and it made me really uncomfortable when he brought it up. I don't really want to talk about our awful sex life when we have a much larger issue problem, namely a crumbling marriage and a wall of resentment that's sky high. It like he just wants to focus on the sex life because it's easy and he doesn't have to address HIS problem. If I never feel any better, well, I don't know what I'm gonna do. But I do know that I'm not staying in this marriage for another two years
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. Not really tongue in cheek on the reception. It's spoken like a true HUMAN who doesn't want to feel uncomfortable. Humans don't like feeling uncomfortable, so they don't communicate directly a lot of the time.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

i couldn't get very far into this thread, I read up to where you admitted to Gaia that you didn't want the marriage to work, because it comfirmed what I saw right in your conversation. The whole indirect truth you were going for, what you wanted to tell him was that he sucked. You wanted to hurt him, not make your sex life better. In a properly functioning relationship your goal would be to tell him what you liked in order to please both of you. But your relationship does not function because you are blameshifting and trying to ruin it.


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

floxie said:


> I really don't think I can use my own husband? Use him for what? His money is mine, our house is mine, our bed is mine. It' all his as well. So if I'm using him I suppose I'm also using myself? Yes, I plan to stay in my own home until I am ready and capable of leaving, that's much more pracical and makes more sense to me than making mysef homeless while I'm sick, which seems silly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So the ONLY thing you're getting out of this quasi-marriage is the house? Don't buy it! If that were true, you'd sleep on the couch and file the divorce papers and let the lawyers settle who's keeping the house. You certainly wouldn't be having sex with him. Sorry but I know there's something you're holding onto that you can't have without him believing everything's ok. He must be giving you something (whether it's money or help or emotional support). He's giving you something under false pretenses and if you take those pretenses away you know it will all crumble down. So, yes, you're using him.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I "told" you what your intentions were?? :scratchhead:

I'm not a "liar" either, just because I, and others, found your sense of "humor" disrespectful and especially unnecessary/unhelpful to the OP. We are all here to receive *constructive* criticism and help, and really I think your statement was inappropriate.

OP is here and opening herself up to criticism and trying to learn from and understand her situation. She is NOT here for your "humor". There are more tactful ways to help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

floxie said:


> But I do know that I'm not staying in this marriage for another two years_Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi floxie ~

If you already know this to be true, then why not just be honest with him about? Instead of going about things in a round-about way, just be honest and honourable.

You can invite him to join you in the marriage by requiring that both of you work on it together, and if he declines to do the work too, then you will have been honest and forthright about where it will end up.

"_A lie will easily get you out of a scrape,
and yet, strangely and beautifully,
rapture possesses you when you have taken
the scrape and left out the lie_. " ~C E Montague

Best wishes.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> When is the last time you heard a man say, "I really wish my wife would know the right thing to say, because I should not have to be so direct."
> 
> And how would you feel about a man who said that?
> 
> ...


Blame-shifting?

Anyhow, in response, sometimes people DO need things pointed out to them. Even things that are obvious to the rest of us. I personally have learned a lot about myself here - about things that weren't so obvious, particularly from TG. We can't fix what we don't "know". That's no reason to be condescending at all.

I don't expect you to agree with me; that is not my intention. Only suggesting that a little tact may be needed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

happylovingwife said:


> So the ONLY thing you're getting out of this quasi-marriage is the house? Don't buy it! If that were true, you'd sleep on the couch and file the divorce papers and let the lawyers settle who's keeping the house. You certainly wouldn't be having sex with him. Sorry but I know there's something you're holding onto that you can't have without him believing everything's ok. He must be giving you something (whether it's money or help or emotional support). He's giving you something under false pretenses and if you take those pretenses away you know it will all crumble down. So, yes, you're using him.


My husband surely doesn't think everything's ok, not after the talks we've had lol

I just don't think how I'll ever get how i can use someone by using what already belongs to me lol. But we can agree to disagree happylovingwife, no harm in that


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

floxie said:


> My husband surely doesn't think everything's ok, not after the talks we've had lol
> 
> I just don't think how I'll ever get how i can use someone by using what already belongs to me lol. But we can agree to disagree happylovingwife, no harm in that


Of course. 

Just keep in mind. HALF of everything belongs to you....not all of it.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

floxie said:


> Ha ha Maricha, you know, you're absolutey right. I was trying to avoid it, and it made me really uncomfortable when he brought it up. I don't really want to talk about our awful sex life when we have a much larger issue problem, namely a crumbling marriage and a wall of resentment that's sky high. It like he just wants to focus on the sex life because it's easy and he doesn't have to address HIS problem. If I never feel any better, well, I don't know what I'm gonna do. But I do know that I'm not staying in this marriage for another two years
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



It takes two to make a marriage work, so HIS problems are just as valid as YOURS.
Your posts seem very self centered, that only your wants & needs in this marriage are important, that your H is just there, almost like a minion. 
You have stated that you've told him that you wanted him to be more sympathetic to your health, BUT considering how you avoided the oral sex conversation, I wonder exactly how specific you were in telling him your needs.
It really seems as if you're pissed off & resentful that your H wasn't your savior, that he turned out to be human after all when you got sick.
It's almost as if you're holding his emotional limitations against him without specifically telling him you need him to react differently. 
Your H isn't a mind reader, if you want something, you have to say "I want XYZ", not just talk about your feelings.
For the most part, men tend to respnd better when you give them action explanations.
Tell him what you need him to do, don't just tell him he makes you feel a certain way.
Ask yourself, do you really want to divorce over this situation without seeking out counseling for the both of you?


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> It takes two to make a marriage work, so HIS problems are just as valid as YOURS.
> Your posts seem very self centered, that only your wants & needs in this marriage are important, that your H is just there, almost like a minion.
> You have stated that you've told him that you wanted him to be more sympathetic to your health, BUT considering how you avoided the oral sex conversation, I wonder exactly how specific you were in telling him your needs.
> It really seems as if you're pissed off & resentful that your H wasn't your savior, that he turned out to be human after all when you got sick.
> ...


I am pissed off and resentful, quite pissed and resentful actually. i thought i'd made that clear lol. I found his behavior to be abnormal, and totally unacceptable. And I surely am holding his emotional limitations against him, his inability to cope with my illness and his subsequent bullying is not alright with me just because it's an "emotional limitation". Never will be alright in my book.

I have told him all i could tell him, he wants to focus on the sex, his choice.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

floxie said:


> My husband surely doesn't think everything's ok, not after the talks we've had lol
> 
> I just don't think how I'll ever get how i can use someone by using what already belongs to me lol. But we can agree to disagree happylovingwife, no harm in that


That next paycheque he earns is only half yours if you carry the marriage through until it arrives. Same goes for the next one and the next one. By carying on a shame marriage, you are using him for what he brings in, whether it's money, emotional support, whatever as that wouldn't be offered after you told him the marriage is done.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

floxie said:


> I am pissed off and resentful, quite pissed and resentful actually. i thought i'd made that clear lol. I found his behavior to be abnormal, and totally unacceptable. And I surely am holding his emotional limitations against him, his inability to cope with my illness and his subsequent bullying is not alright with me just because it's an "emotional limitation". Never will be alright in my book.
> 
> I have told him all i could tell him, he wants to focus on the sex, his choice.


Totally understandable. What he did hurts. Very much so. I've been there. 

Has he ever had to deal with illness before? Did he purposelly be an azz and is quite capable of being the strong sense of support you need, or did he let his emotions and worry about you turn him sideways?

I ask.. because me personally, I would ask myself... and if it was on purpose, then it's unacceptable. If he didn't know any better, then I would personally say "well, do better next time and here's what I expect next time". Is he sorry? Has he apologized? Has he done the bullying thing in other stressful situations?

Sorry for all the questions. In the end, you need to do what you want with your life and your marriage, but sometimes such a black and white perception causes regret later. 

And many of us on the "resentment train" can tell you that it's not something that goes away when you leave. This comment is meant to be helpful. It's a black cloud that will alter your ENTIRE life. A pleading, if you must, to consider dealing with the anger, letting it go, regardless of whether you stay or not.

That is something YOU own out of all of this. It is not his fault you are bitter and resentful. That was your choice to hang onto it. Even your kids will feel it. And you don't deserve to have that crap around that neck, do you? You are only punishing yourself.

So if you separate being mad about something you CANNOT change... what are you left with? Erase that memory for a minute. Do you love him?


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

deejov said:


> Totally understandable. What he did hurts. Very much so. I've been there.
> 
> Has he ever had to deal with illness before? Did he purposelly be an azz and is quite capable of being the strong sense of support you need, or did he let his emotions and worry about you turn him sideways?
> 
> ...


Well he has his own health problems, but as far as i know he has never been in a relationship with someone who wasn't totally healthy.

I don't think he was purposefully being a jerk. I doubt he was really thinking it through at all. And if it had only happened once or twice, i don't think I'd be so upset. But the fact is that i spent 6 months totally debilitated, couldn't walk, lost 15 lbs (alot for my 110lb frame), had reflux so bad it was in my nose, peripheral neuropathy and tetany, chronic diarhea and dehydration and my husbands response was to bully me and put me down. It really hurt me. I had never been sick, had not a single health issue, and then my world suddenly came crashing down and my husband was helping to tear it down. My crying annoyed him, my needing help agitated him, my inability to have sex and clean irritated him, he thought me talking to my mom was "stupid".

He's apologized, given reasons why he did it, but the second i seem sick, he goes back to his old ways and just ignores me for the most part. And though i am better than i was last year, i still feel sick 4 days out of the week or more. 

I do want to let go of the resentment, i need to for both my health and my sanity. I love my husband very much, i just don't think he is what i need for a long term partner. He works well with a healthy floxie, but not with a sick one


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

And all of that is valid reason to leave. Completely valid.

To hang around, have sex with him and only mentally leave, doesn't.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

It doesn't seem like you are on tam to help your marriage. It seems you have signed up to let us witness you purposely sabotage your marriage and argue with us about why your husband deserves it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

floxie said:


> I worry about hurting his feelings because I love him even though I don't feel "in love" with him. I've been with him for a long time and I don't hate him, I just don't lik him very much. We continue to have sex because he pouts and acts like a jerk when we don't, so its easier to just "do it" for me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is extra sensitive because he can feel the lack of love and is desperate. You clearly aren't into him... Does he know of the divorce plan? Can you show him your posts on TAM?

Just making an observation. Your resentment issue is just as worse as his lashing out and putting down issues. You put him down a lot on here too. See, you are not perfect either. (I don't mean you need to stay in the marriage either )


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

floxie said:


> Well he has his own health problems, but as far as i know he has never been in a relationship with someone who wasn't totally healthy.
> 
> I don't think he was purposefully being a jerk. I doubt he was really thinking it through at all. And if it had only happened once or twice, i don't think I'd be so upset. But the fact is that i spent 6 months totally debilitated, couldn't walk, lost 15 lbs (alot for my 110lb frame), had reflux so bad it was in my nose, peripheral neuropathy and tetany, chronic diarhea and dehydration and my husbands response was to bully me and put me down. It really hurt me. I had never been sick, had not a single health issue, and then my world suddenly came crashing down and my husband was helping to tear it down. My crying annoyed him, my needing help agitated him, my inability to have sex and clean irritated him, he thought me talking to my mom was "stupid".
> 
> ...


Thanks for explaining. 
There is a flip side to chronic illness. 
Your H didn't sign up for this. He didn't sign up for a wife that is ill 4 days out of the week, more than a year later. Life didn't turn out the way he thought it would either. 

I know this is hard... but consider putting yourself in his position. People who care for \ love people with a chronic condition often need support themselves. MANY people simply cannot handle it, and they lash out, turn to addictions, or leave. 

It's not an excuse for behaving poorly. But it is a HUGE sign that they need help with coping. There are many websites out there. Places he can vent his frustrations, learn ways to cope, etc. It does sound to me like he is having issues with the sick part. And it's normal. It REALLY is. 

Help them to help you. I have used this phrase before "take care of ME when I need it, so I can take care of you the rest of the time". 

Have you ever told him specifically -- when you are not well, it is helpful if you say "I hope you are better soon", take it easy, etc. 

When you are not well, do you still want the house in ship shape, or are you willing to let it go for a time when you are better? Lower your standards a bit, maybe. Let a bit of stuff go. cook and freeze meals. if you have kids, do they help out at home? 

Do you have a support system \ online you can talk to? Lots of tips for dealing with the frustration of being sick for a long time. Take care of you too.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Aristotle said:


> It doesn't seem like you are on tam to help your marriage. It seems you have signed up to let us witness you purposely sabotage your marriage and argue with us about why your husband deserves it.


Personally, I think she's quite enjoying it too.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Aristotle said:


> It doesn't seem like you are on tam to help your marriage. It seems you have signed up to let us witness you purposely sabotage your marriage and argue with us about why your husband deserves it.


..... you're ever so helpful


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Floxie, your resentment is showing 
That's how you feel right now.

so do take it personally. And learn from it, if you want to. Or not. 

"tell the real floxie to come out and play"


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

floxie said:


> ..... you're ever so helpful


...... to save an argument, I decided I wouldn't try to give helpful advice like everyone else did. Unfortunately, I didn't realize this would leave me in the sarcastic response grey area your husband is currently in 



Prilosec. You owe me one now.


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

"H: ok, I'm gonna go downstairsto sleep

Me: ..........k ......good night" 

*Ouch!*


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Aristotle said:


> ...... to save an argument, I decided I wouldn't try to give helpful advice like everyone else did. Unfortunately, I didn't realize this would leave me in the sarcastic response grey area your husband is currently in
> 
> 
> 
> Prilosec. You owe me one now.


 well, you're there.... so, yeah, thanks, you're awesome :smthumbup:


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Santa said:


> "H: ok, I'm gonna go downstairsto sleep
> 
> Me: ..........k ......good night"
> 
> *Ouch!*


i know right, i really didn't know what to say at that point, i suppose he didn't either. really bad communication there and neither of us got what we wanted out of that conversation


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

floxie said:


> i know right, i really didn't know what to say at that point, i suppose he didn't either. really bad communication there and neither of us got what we wanted out of that conversation


Oh good lord!

He did not get what he wanted out of the conversation. You, however, did because you have been lying to him. This is not miscommunciation, this is you not telling him things intentionally. 

Own you decisions. Put on your big girl panties and be a grown up about this whole thing.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

daffodilly said:


> You still have not given a reason as to why you can't,....I don't know....be HONEST with your husband. You skirt around the question and say you don't want to hurt him because you love him.
> 
> How is lying to him every.single.day. show you love him? Or that you don't want to hurt him? You are putting off the inevitable by not telling him the marriage is over and giving him false hope, which is cruel. You do him no favors by continuing to have sex with him when really you're plotting to leave.
> 
> I've read your backstory and understand why you've checked out of your marriage. But remember you have *checked out of your marriage*. In your eyes it's over. Tell him it's over. Don't assume he knows, or figure he has to know. TELL HIM. Because complaining about a sex life with someone you are leaving and can't be honest with makes no sense. He's not a mind reader, and yes, you can string a husband along. Having bad sex and then not telling him it's bad sex, or that you are leaving him, IS stringing someone along. Be direct and HONEST.


Ive told him everything i could think to tell him, i've told him that we no longer have a marriage, that i want a divorce, that i don't want to have sex because i'm emotionally uncomfortable, that i feel like i became his enemy because i had the audacity to get sick. He already knows i am planning to leave. Its not as if I'm around the kissing and loving on him as i seethe inside. My husband and i argue about this at least twice a week. I actually don't remember the last time i initiated any affection towards him. My husband doesnt want a divorce, i do, and as soon as i feel that i am able to go through one, i will file, if he files sooner, that would be ok too.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Oh good lord!
> 
> He did not get what he wanted out of the conversation. You, however, did because you have been lying to him. This is not miscommunciation, this is you not telling him things intentionally.
> 
> Own you decisions. Put on your big girl panties and be a grown up about this whole thing.


tall average guy.... i just put them on, thanks


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

floxie said:


> Ive told him everything i could think to tell him, i've told him that we no longer have a marriage, that i want a divorce, that i don't want to have sex because i'm emotionally uncomfortable, that i feel like i became his enemy because i had the audacity to get sick. He already knows i am planning to leave. Its not as if I'm around the kissing and loving on him as i seethe inside. My husband and i argue about this at least twice a week. I actually don't remember the last time i initiated any affection towards him. My husband doesnt want a divorce, i do, and as soon as i feel that i am able to go through one, i will file, if he files sooner, that would be ok too.


And yet you still have sex with him to avoid hearing him whine. Your actions don't match your words, yet you wonder why he does not understand.

And with that, I will stop. You want others to validate your decisions and cheer you on in your choices. You don't want input, you want affirmation. Some people, you just can't reach.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Floxie,
You are killing him. Seriously - killing him. 

Here's how this goes:
You: (in the past) I love oral sex - its one of my favorite things
You: (in the present) Pushing him away (non verbal - strong message: I dislike how YOU are doing it to me)

There is no way to untangle those two messages. When you push him away (which is ok - I do NOT fault you for pushing him away) you are saying: You suck at this compared to my former lovers. 

And THAT part is ok. The rest of it isn't. 
Him: (I am hurt that I suck compared to your former lovers) honest statement of how he feels
Him: (sucking up his male pride) I suck compared to your former lovers
You: (really you are fine) Deflecting/deflecting/deflecting

Why not do this:
(You) Do you want me to show you what I like? 
(Him) Being a bit childish
(You) I would like to show you, but I need you to not be mean to me because I am trying to teach you what my body likes.
(Him) Fine

Use one of his nipples for a proxy and SHOW him. 





floxie said:


> If you're going to attempt to have a conversation with your wife about your bedroom skills or lack thereof, if you're concerned that you're not pleasing her, please don't act like her not being satisfied by you is her fault. Don't keep bringing up the fact that you know she enjoys certain sexual positions, and don't act hurt because she shys away from those positions with you. Don't claim that you want her to tell you the truth about your sexual prowess and then get upset when she admits that "your technique could be improved upon).
> 
> My husband and I had sex tonight and afterwards he wanted to talk about why I kept trying to get him to stop giving me oral sex. I won't call it a conversation because it wasn't, it went more like this:
> 
> ...


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> And yet you still have sex with him to avoid hearing him whine. Your actions don't match your words, yet you wonder why he does not understand.
> 
> And with that, I will stop. You want others to validate your decisions and cheer you on in your choices. You don't want input, you want affirmation. Some people, you just can't reach.


tall average guy.... gotcha, enjoy your day


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Floxie,
> You are killing him. Seriously - killing him.
> 
> Here's how this goes:
> ...


you know MEM11363, i didn't really think of it as him pushing aside his pride before, i just saw of it as insecure to bring up my past partners, and I'll admit that the insecurity turned me a bit off in that moment. But it makes sense, i suppose its difficult for a man to think that his wife enjoys oral with everybody BUT him.

And i was deflecting, i can't deny it. I really didn't want to talk about it. 

I talked to him a little this morning, he still seemed upset, (maybe hurt?) and we still didnt get much accomplished. But i think that showing him how to do it using his nipples is really a great idea, i had never thought of that before. I could show him how to suckle, lick softly and then just ask him to try to recreate that on my clitoris, i wonder how it will go....


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

floxie said:


> If you're going to attempt to have a conversation with your wife about your bedroom skills or lack thereof, if you're concerned that you're not pleasing her, please don't act like her not being satisfied by you is her fault. Don't keep bringing up the fact that you know she enjoys certain sexual positions, and don't act hurt because she shys away from those positions with you. Don't claim that you want her to tell you the truth about your sexual prowess and then get upset when she admits that "your technique could be improved upon).
> 
> My husband and I had sex tonight and afterwards he wanted to talk about why I kept trying to get him to stop giving me oral sex. I won't call it a conversation because it wasn't, it went more like this:
> 
> ...



This is amazing. You did a $hit job of communicating, skirted the issue when he asked you for a direct answer (multiple times) and then blamed him.

"Me: its hard to keep your legs open when someone's between your legs"

REALLY? Holy $hit that is lame.

Please.. if there is anything to be learned from this post for all who read it... communicate clearly and honestly. Acting like this will cause nothing but confusion and anger in the short and long term.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

floxie said:


> *Ive told him everything i could think to tell him, i've told him that we no longer have a marriage, that i want a divorce, that i don't want to have sex* because i'm emotionally uncomfortable, that i feel like i became his enemy because i had the audacity to get sick. *He already knows i am planning to leave*. Its not as if I'm around the kissing and loving on him as i seethe inside. My husband and i argue about this at least twice a week. *I actually don't remember the last time i initiated any affection towards him. My husband doesnt want a divorce, i do*, and as soon as i feel that i am able to go through one, i will file, if he files sooner, that would be ok too.


If you want a divorce and to stop having sex with him, then divorce him and move out or at the very least stop having sex with him.

You wan't nothing to do with him yet expect him to do everything to get what you want (ie to file the divorce and stop pursuing sex with you??!?). Take some personal accountability already!


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Alright guys, I think she gets the point. She is only 24 and only been married 3 years. I am sure she appreciates the feedback but let's give her some time to figure this out.

I hope she gives this guy another chance.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Speed said:


> This is amazing. You did a $hit job of communicating, skirted the issue when he asked you for a direct answer (multiple times) and then blamed him.
> 
> "Me: its hard to keep your legs open when someone's between your legs"
> 
> ...


Lol, that does sound lame, but it was actually true. it really is difficult to keep your legs open when someone is down their tickling you with his mouth (i'm sure the tickling was unintentional)

the communication was bad though, definitely


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Lon said:


> If you want a divorce and to stop having sex with him, then divorce him and move out or at the very least stop having sex with him.
> 
> You wan't nothing to do with him yet expect him to do everything to get what you want (ie to file the divorce and stop pursuing sex with you??!?). Take some personal accountability already!


I do want a divorce, and when i am mentally/physically/emotionally capable of going through one, the i'll file and that'll be that.

I also want to stop having sex with him and when i am mentally/physically/emotionally capable of dealing with his pouting and anger, then i will put an active stop to the sex, instead of an (easier) passive stop.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

floxie said:


> I do want a divorce, and when i am mentally/physically/emotionally capable of going through one, the i'll file and that'll be that.
> 
> I also want to stop having sex with him and when i am mentally/physically/emotionally capable of dealing with his pouting and anger, then i will put an active stop to the sex, instead of an (easier) passive stop.


you are mentally/physically/emotionally capable enough to write this all out here, just go do the same in a lawyers office, its easy.

Otherwise you are just making excuses and stringing him along which plainly is a mean and cruel thing to do and is harming both of you more and more with each passing day.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

floxie said:


> If you're going to attempt to have a conversation with your wife about your bedroom skills or lack thereof, if you're concerned that you're not pleasing her, please don't act like her not being satisfied by you is her fault. Don't keep bringing up the fact that you know she enjoys certain sexual positions, and don't act hurt because she shys away from those positions with you. Don't claim that you want her to tell you the truth about your sexual prowess and then get upset when she admits that "your technique could be improved upon).
> 
> My husband and I had sex tonight and afterwards he wanted to talk about why I kept trying to get him to stop giving me oral sex. I won't call it a conversation because it wasn't, it went more like this:
> 
> ...




I made some comments within the dialogue. Take note that i find this fixation of your husband on "other people" weird. You have cheated on him or he thinks you did? Or is this one of those open marriages where only one part likes the arrangement?

The problem wasn't the oral. The problem is that your husband has a very low self esteem. He is feeling inferior to these "other people". 

And, it seems this marriage is dead anyway. I honestly don't know why he gives a crap whether you like it or not. He seems like a total beta pleaser guy. 

You clearly don't respect this guy and don't want to be with him. Can't see why you're letting this drag along.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

floxie said:


> I can see that he is trying to fix it, but he's going about it in all the wrong ways. He's tryin to fix it through sex, by pleasing me and all that, but that won't fix it and it actually just agitates me and turns me off more from him. If I felt that he would at least attempt to fix it MY WAY, then we could maybe get somewhere, but alas, no luck there.


if you communicated this to him as well as you did about the oral sex, then no wonder.

have you actually told him what the problem is and how you require for it to be fixed?
or just beat around that bush too in order not to hurt his feelings?
you need to be direct in things for things to have a chance to change.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Stop stalling and making excuses so you can continue emotionally abusing your husband. 

Go and file for divorce. Move in with a friend or your family. 

I'm sorry you're sick. It sucks. I'm sorry your husband wasn't supportive. But that doesn't mean you get carte blanche to be abusive in return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

floxie said:


> I do want a divorce, and when i am mentally/physically/emotionally capable of going through one, the i'll file and that'll be that.
> 
> I also want to stop having sex with him and when i am mentally/physically/emotionally capable of dealing with his pouting and anger, then i will put an active stop to the sex, instead of an (easier) passive stop.


Sounds like you're making excuses.....I don't know you're full story, and I'm big on making excuses myself, do yourself a favor, ill or not, divorce him.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

costa200 said:


> I made some comments within the dialogue. Take note that i find this fixation of your husband on "other people" weird. You have cheated on him or he thinks you did? Or is this one of those open marriages where only one part likes the arrangement?
> 
> The problem wasn't the oral. The problem is that your husband has a very low self esteem. He is feeling inferior to these "other people".
> 
> ...


The "other people" he's referring to are past lovers of mine, mostly the women that I've been intimate with. 
His self esteem is very low, and his anxiety levels are sky high, that's true. His anxiety is mosly social, feelings that people don't really like him or are nice in his face but gossip about him, or they he isnot interesting enough for people to genuinely like him. My husband is definitely a people pleaser, especially a woman pleaser, that has gotten him in some trouble....

The respect, you are right about that in some ways. I don't really respect my husband as a husband, and to be honest, I feel that unless I can let the resentment go, I never will. I love him, but you know, I feel so let down. I had all these ideals about a "husband", and my husband just let me down so bad. Really, I'm bitter, and that's no good
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> if you communicated this to him as well as you did about the oral sex, then no wonder.
> 
> have you actually told him what the problem is and how you require for it to be fixed?
> or just beat around that bush too in order not to hurt his feelings?
> you need to be direct in things for things to have a chance to change.


I have told him,been as clear as I THINK I could, but beyond that, I've actually shown him. Sometimes, as my husband is in the car talking about something that's important to him, I'll turn up the radio louder and sing along. That really upsets him so he'll pout until we get home and ask "what's my problem" and then I tell him that that is exactly what he does to me, that if I'm talking about my health/not felling well, he'll turn the radio up louder and hum. Then of course he'll say, "oh you're right, I'm sorry, next time I'll blah blah blah" and then of corse he does it again.

I just feel like he wants all of his attention and all of my attention to be on him. His anxiety, his weight, hiscareer, his health. Because if I ignore him, like he ignores me, I get the pouting and sadness
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Unhappy2011 said:


> ^^You have every right to be annoyed by that.
> 
> I had a similiar problem with my ex. She was nice, but she seemed to have no sense of empathy. Not in a bad way, she was a good person but just way too reserved when it came to things like that.
> 
> ...


Unhappy2011 yeah, its really annoying to be ignored, especially when you're talking about something that you think is important. My husband will just stare off into the distance, i don't even think it's intentional. I think he just doesn't think to himself, "hey, my wife's talking about something important, she may want a small shred of my attention". I know if its because he's only child or what but he can't seem to grasp it. But he understands when i am doing it to him though.

And you know. I didn't sign up to have a sick husband either. When i got with him he wasn't 60lbs overweight, he wasn't diabetic, was on no high bp meds. But I've stuck by him and never made him feel bad about any of it. I've paid for his medications, spent the night sleeping in a chair beside his hospital bed, get him anything he needed. But me, i received no empathy and sympathy for incurring an illness that i couldn't have possibly prevented or saw coming.

My husband is almost 30 years old, at what point does the empathy gene kick in?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

floxie said:


> The "other people" he's referring to are past lovers of mine, mostly the women that I've been intimate with.


Hmm. That might be a problem, right there. IF he is fearful of you taking lovers, then he might feel he has to fear both male and female acquaintances, not just male? 



floxie said:


> His self esteem is very low, and his anxiety levels are sky high, that's true. His anxiety is mosly social, feelings that people don't really like him or are nice in his face but gossip about him _Posted via Mobile Device_


Like when you tell strangers he is crap at oral sex? Gossip like that, you mean?


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## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

floxie said:


> If you're going to attempt to have a conversation with your wife about your bedroom skills or lack thereof, if you're concerned that you're not pleasing her, please don't act like her not being satisfied by you is her fault. Don't keep bringing up the fact that you know she enjoys certain sexual positions, and don't act hurt because she shys away from those positions with you. Don't claim that you want her to tell you the truth about your sexual prowess and then get upset when she admits that "your technique could be improved upon).
> 
> Don't do this, all this accomplomished was making me feel like I can not tell him that his technique is bad. His felings got hurt and I ended up apologizng. He didn't even asked what he could have done to improve, I wsh he would've , maybe I could've attempted to give some tips.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I removed the parts of the quote that I'm not going to directly reference. 

I've gone ahead and taken your original post and modified it to fit women. So... 
Girls, Please Don't Do This

If you're going to attempt to have a conversation with your husband about his bedroom skills or lack thereof, if he isn't pleasing you, please don't act like your not being satisfied by him is his fault. Don't keep bringing up the fact that you know he enjoys performing certain sexual positions and/or acts, and don't act hurt because he shies away from those positions with you. Don't claim that you want to tell him about his lack of sexual prowess when you don't and won't do it, and don't then get upset about it when he doesn't change. Don't complain that the sex is horrible if you won't guide him to make it an enjoyable experience.

Don't do this, all this accomplished was making him feel like his technique isn't bad because you won't tell him otherwise. You're left unsatisfied and he doesn't know. You didn't even say what he could have done to improve, don't wait for the "right" question, "do you think I'm bad at oral" is good enough to tell him how to make it more enjoyable. 

I know this is really a non-issue since you plan on leaving the marriage anyway, but it really bothers me to see women (and men) complain that the sex is lousy but they don't do anything to change it. It's not their responsibility to magically know what you do and do not like, you're responsible for your OWN dissatisfaction if you don't tell them. 

Your not being satisfied IS your fault because instead of helping him learn what you like, you instead choose to lie and say he's not bad at it. :soapbox:

Just sayin'.

Oh and before you fire back with a post about how I'm just bitter and angry, I'm very happily married and have no reason to be either of those things. I've noticed though that your default response to something you don't like or don't want to hear is that the poster is just bitter.


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## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

floxie said:


> Ive told him everything i could think to tell him, i've told him that we no longer have a marriage, that i want a divorce, *that i don't want to have sex because i'm emotionally uncomfortable*, that i feel like i became his enemy because i had the audacity to get sick. He already knows i am planning to leave. Its not as if I'm around the kissing and loving on him as i seethe inside. My husband and i argue about this at least twice a week. I actually don't r*emember the last time i initiated any affection towards him. My husband doesnt want a divorce, i do, *and as soon as i feel that i am able to go through one, i will file, if he files sooner, that would be ok too.


This RIGHT HERE is how you are stringing him along dear. You know for a fact, without a doubt that he is trying to fix the marriage through sex and that sex makes him feel closer to you. By continuing to have sex with him you are stringing him along, making him think that you're doing it to try and save the marriage when you're not. You are stringing him along by taking part in HIS way of trying to save the marriage when you have no intention of doing so.

You can't tell a person you don't have ANY desire to have sex with them and then turn around and do it because you don't want to deal with his "pouting" what you're doing is akin to him acting more empathetic toward you and your illness, taking care of you ETC. while he's drafting his exit strategy. That would be him stringing you along. Doing all of that would give you the impression he was genuinely sorry and trying to make it work right? 

You need to stop playing these games with him and grow up. Ignore him when he pouts about not getting his way. All you're doing is showing him that you don't mean a single thing that you say and making what's left of the relationship worse. I'm sorry but I agree with the PPs in the fact that you are using him and stringing him along. I read in one of your posts, that you've never had to work and have always been the homemaker. If that's the case the money isn't yours and frankly you are just giving the impression that you are going to stick around until you find another guy who is going to pay your way. If things were as bad as you've said they are you wouldn't stick around, you would go live with your mother regardless of the other family member staying with her. You want out of the relationship but not bad enough to leave until you find another free ride

I also agree with a PP who said that you didn't join to get advice or save your marriage. You joined to have an audience for your rants and so you could show the world how horrible you are treating him in retaliation.

I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh but I've read through all your posts and this is the conclusion I've come to.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Hmm. That might be a problem, right there. IF he is fearful of you taking lovers, then he might feel he has to fear both male and female acquaintances, not just male?
> 
> 
> 
> Like when you tell strangers he is crap at oral sex? Gossip like that, you mean?


Hmmm, that would be understandable, him fearing me taking lovers I mean. But I actually don't have even female friends, not one. I actually don't have any friends at the moment, except one I suppose.

I don't think I'm here gossiping. Unless everyone is...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Hellioness said:


> I removed the parts of the quote that I'm not going to directly reference.
> 
> I've gone ahead and taken your original post and modified it to fit women. So...
> Girls, Please Don't Do This
> ...


Hellioness, I thought your recreation was pretty funny . And probably accurate also. I can admit that I was beating around the bush and should have been more straight forward. I didn't want to hurt his feelings but I did, clearly. And nothing was accomplished. But someone gave me advice about trying to show him how i'd like it by demonsrating it on his nipple, I think that's going to be a lot easier than telling him. 

I have called a few of the men bitter huh? lol, well, you know, its true. A lot of the guys are bitter, I'm assuming its bcause their wives left, cheated, ran away with the kids etc. I don't know. But I do know that it's made them bitter, so their advice is really just a thinly veiled attack. Like "tall average guy", he is testy... and bitter lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

floxie said:


> Hellioness, I thought your recreation was pretty funny . And probably accurate also. I can admit that I was beating around the bush and should have been more straight forward. I didn't want to hurt his feelings but I did, clearly. And nothing was accomplished. But someone gave me advice about trying to show him how i'd like it by demonsrating it on his nipple, I think that's going to be a lot easier than telling him.
> 
> I have called a few of the men bitter huh? lol, well, you know, its true. A lot of the guys are bitter, I'm assuming its bcause their wives left, cheated, ran away with the kids etc. I don't know. But I do know that it's made them bitter, so their advice is really just a thinly veiled attack. Like "tall average guy", he is testy... and bitter lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's kind of a sexist generalization. You've called more than a few people bitter, some of which have been women. A person is not bitter simply because he or she doesn't agree with you, or tells you something that you don't like/don't want to hear. 

It's actually pretty difficult to be bitter regarding someone else's problems. They can be biased based on their own experiences, but not bitter towards your particular situation. As I stated in another reply, I've read through all your threads, and have yet to see anyone being bitter towards you or your situation in their responses. Maybe you are taking it the wrong way, maybe you are overly sensitive I don't know.

However you do seem to be bitter towards men in general. I've noticed that you will call a man bitter for a reply (most responses from a male typically get the "you're bitter" response from you), but if a woman offers the same advice you reply to them and more often than not agree with their viewpoint. 

I'm sure you have a reason for this hatred you seem to convey, however your personal experiences are not a valid reason to project your view/feelings on to others.

Though I do have to beg the question, if you have decided you want out of the marriage, and are essentially already done and have already withdrawn emotionally from your husband, why are you bothering to make the sex better, or to have sex with him at all?


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Hellioness said:


> This RIGHT HERE is how you are stringing him along dear. You know for a fact, without a doubt that he is trying to fix the marriage through sex and that sex makes him feel closer to you. By continuing to have sex with him you are stringing him along, making him think that you're doing it to try and save the marriage when you're not. You are stringing him along by taking part in HIS way of trying to save the marriage when you have no intention of doing so.
> 
> You can't tell a person you don't have ANY desire to have sex with them and then turn around and do it because you don't want to deal with his "pouting" what you're doing is akin to him acting more empathetic toward you and your illness, taking care of you ETC. while he's drafting his exit strategy. That would be him stringing you along. Doing all of that would give you the impression he was genuinely sorry and trying to make it work right?
> 
> ...


That was harsh actually, and unnecesarily so....

I've said I've mostly been a homemaker, mostly. As in, you know, I'm mostly the one taking care of home stuff. I also said however, that when I worked, I modeled and that I made more money than my husband when I did, which upset him. My husband's income alone is not enough to support the both of us, its just not. so if I did want a free ride, this would be a really bad place to get one lol.

I can't go live with my mother because there's no room for me there... and since I'm comfortable in my home, its much more practical to stay until I feel I am capable.

If I am using my husband for anything, its his ability to act mildly sympathetic to me after he "get's some". Beyond that, I really don't have anything to use him for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

floxie said:


> That was harsh actually, and unnecesarily so....
> 
> I've said I've mostly been a homemaker, mostly. As in, you know, I'm mostly the one taking care of home stuff. I also said however, that when I worked, I modeled and that I made more money than my husband when I did, which upset him. My husband's income alone is not enough to support the both of us, its just not. so if I did want a free ride, this would be a really bad place to get one lol.
> 
> ...


It seems the only way to get an actual reply from you is to be "unnecessarily harsh". 

No, you are using him for the roof over you head because you have nowhere else to go at the moment that you deem suitable, if your mother has a couch there is room for you there. You are using him for the money he is bringing is as you're not working right now, maybe not in the running out and spending it aspect but you are using him for the money that's paying the bills and putting food on your table. You are making excuses to not leave him because you are thoroughly enjoying what you're putting him through, what he did to you was horrible but that doesn't mean you should turn around and treat him horribly in return. You enjoy playing these little games, turning the radio up when he's trying to talk to you (well he did it to me!!!!), with holding affection, not telling him how to help with something he is obviously self conscious about, etc.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Hellioness said:


> That's kind of a sexist generalization. You've called more than a few people bitter, some of which have been women. A person is not bitter simply because he or she doesn't agree with you, or tells you something that you don't like/don't want to hear.
> 
> It's actually pretty difficult to be bitter regarding someone else's problems. They can be biased based on their own experiences, but not bitter towards your particular situation. As I stated in another reply, I've read through all your threads, and have yet to see anyone being bitter towards you or your situation in their responses. Maybe you are taking it the wrong way, maybe you are overly sensitive I don't know.
> 
> ...


Hellioness, I'm really not sure how you came to that conclusion lol. I actually can't tell who's a guy or not in most of the replys. Other than "tall average guy", most of the user names are pretty ambiguous, including mine and yours too actually.

Biased may be a better word to use, I can agree with that. A lot of them do seem angry though (we can agree to disagree about that) lol. But it probably is wrong of me to assume that the angry one's are all men. That's probably my bias huh, ha!

I don't mind people giving advice that I don't want to hurt, its the internet you know, people are usually a bit more brutal (or brutally honest) than they probably would be in person. I expect that, and acept. Besides, when you spend 6 months sick as a dog, you learn not to let the little things bother you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Hellioness said:


> It seems the only way to get an actual reply from you is to be "unnecessarily harsh".
> 
> No, you are using him for the roof over you head because you have nowhere else to go at the moment that you deem suitable, if your mother has a couch there is room for you there. You are using him for the money he is bringing is as you're not working right now, maybe not in the running out and spending it aspect but you are using him for the money that's paying the bills and putting food on your table. You are making excuses to not leave him because you are thoroughly enjoying what you're putting him through, what he did to you was horrible but that doesn't mean you should turn around and treat him horribly in return. You enjoy playing these little games, turning the radio up when he's trying to talk to you (well he did it to me!!!!), with holding affection, not telling him how to help with something he is obviously self conscious about, etc.


So your tactic to get answers is to be harsh towards people? That's interesting....

None the less, however

I'm still putting food on our table, that's what I'm saying lol. And paying some bills. My husband's income is not enough to support us both, that means that my husband's income is not enough to support us both. So we are still using my money to help with bills. Or else, we couldn't pay our bills because my husband can't support us on his own. I hope I've clarified that.

Goodness, you seem bitt.. I mean, biased. I'm joking. I'm joking, lol, really

If I wanted to treat my husband horribly, I would. 

But reacting negatively to being bullied by my husband is not treating him horribly. Its being human. And I won't aoplogize for that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Wait... huh? you are being bullied? How, seems laughable, you are the one doing the bullying, that has all the power in your relationship and is exploiting it. You obviously don't care at all about the guy, so really if you are the main provider like you say you are you absolutely have no excuse to say that you can't afford to support yourself... what is so hard about this divorce for you? You say you have already decided so just get on with it, that is what everyone is trying to tell you.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Lon said:


> Wait... huh? you are being bullied? How, seems laughable, you are the one doing the bullying, that has all the power in your relationship and is exploiting it. You obviously don't care at all about the guy, so really if you are the main provider like you say you are you absolutely have no excuse to say that you can't afford to support yourself... what is so hard about this divorce for you? You say you have already decided so just get on with it, that is what everyone is trying to tell you.


Lon, you're a guy right? You're probably just saying all of that because you're bitter.

(Hellioness, I'm only joking, don't stab me):rofl:

Lon, I'm not the main provider. Really neither of us are. My husband couldn't afford our place without my help and vice versa. If you feel i don't care about my husband, i can respect that opinion.


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## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

floxie said:


> Hellioness, I'm really not sure how you came to that conclusion lol. I actually can't tell who's a guy or not in most of the replys. Other than "tall average guy", most of the user names are pretty ambiguous, including mine and yours too actually.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you can't tell who is a male and who is female why is it you say you insulted a few men? For not being able to tell you sure take a lot of shots in dark.



floxie said:


> So your tactic to get answers is to be harsh towards people? That's interesting....
> 
> None the less, however
> 
> ...


Thanks for clarifying that part I bolded, never would have gotten it without your help. 

No, my "tactic" to get answers from people is to ask, however that doesn't seem to work with you as I've seen MANY ask you and you don't answer the question. You may reply to other things in the response but won't actually answer the question (you've done it to me in this thread), seems like you just don't like answering questions at all, either from your H or posters online.

You *are* treating him horribly, since you apparently can't see that here's a list on how you're doing it.
*You are having an emotional affair with an ex and you continue contact with said OM after your H told you he's uncomfortable and asked you to stop (you even admitted that that was partially because you wanted to p!ss him off)
*Purposely with holding affection
*Leading him on
*Sending mixed signals
*Turning up the radio and humming when he is trying to talk to you, because he's done it to you
*Bad mouthing him online when he was trying to figure out how to make something sexual more enjoyable for you (it's hard for a guy to do that, every guy is pressured to perform like a pornstar in the bedroom and make sure his woman is always satisfied and left breathless by society, he swallowed his pride by admitting he is not doing that and you lie to him) bit because he didn't ask the RIGHT question you refused to answer and would rather complain the sex is lousy
*You get upset because he and a PP pointed out that using the muscles will help them heal faster (it is a medically proven fact that you need to be up and moving ASAP in order to heal, why do you think they want you up and walking around so soon after surgery? and you lash out because you don't see it that way, you refuse to see it as an honest effort to help you get better and instead view it (and most other thing) as a personal attack), 
if you are well enough to work and bring in money (I don't care how you're doing it), then you are well enough to go back to doing some of the things you did before your illness, I remember a post where you stated when you first got together you were the homemaker, always cooking & cleaning and you were always up for sex, but now you're upset because that's what he wants? Have you considered he's "upset" and "bullying" you about it because he was used to that and now that it's gone? 

Rather or not you accept that you are treating him badly and rather or not you admit to yourself or anyone else this is just your way of bullying him is up to you.

That is not being human, that is being a bitter, spiteful person who is getting a rise out of treating another human being you supposedly love worse than a stranger on the street.

I'm not asking you to apologize for the way he treated you over your illness, no one is, I'm saying that his actions do not give you a free pass to treat him like a piece of dirt either.
I am not bitter, and I am not biased, I am rather upset by this whole situation, by your flip flopping of emotions, your hypocrisy, and your refusal to acknowledge that your actions are not those of a loving wife wanting to make the relationship work.


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## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

Lon said:


> Wait... huh? you are being bullied? How, seems laughable, you are the one doing the bullying, that has all the power in your relationship and is exploiting it. You obviously don't care at all about the guy, so really if you are the main provider like you say you are you absolutely have no excuse to say that you can't afford to support yourself... what is so hard about this divorce for you? You say you have already decided so just get on with it, that is what everyone is trying to tell you.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: 
I love and agree with everything you've said Lon, I was going to bold the parts I agree with, but that would have been the entire post.



floxie said:


> Lon, you're a guy right? You're probably just saying all of that because you're bitter.
> 
> (Hellioness, I'm only joking, don't stab me):rofl:
> 
> Lon, I'm not the main provider. Really neither of us are. My husband couldn't afford our place without my help and vice versa. If you feel i don't care about my husband, i can respect that opinion.


Floxie, you give everyone here the impression that you don't care about your husband. You've even said in another thread that you think he's a jerk. If you do care about your husband maybe you should act like it?:scratchhead: Just a thought


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Hellioness said:


> If you can't tell who is a male and who is female why is it you say you insulted a few men? For not being able to tell you sure take a lot of shots in dark.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Helliones, that genuinely hurt my feelings. So your tactic, it's effective

Not even my husband has been able to put me down about being ill that much in an instant, he spreads it out over the day. But you, you were able to make me feel completely worthless in just one short post.

You're a class act, really, a class act.

Edited to say: neither my husband or I really "signed up" for a sick spouse. But when you marry someone, you support them through illnesses, you help them, you give them someone to lean on. That's what you do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Unhappy2011 said:


> Wait a sec, are you a lesbian?
> 
> No reason to hide it here.


No, I'm not a lesbian...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

floxie said:


> Helliones, that genuinely hurt my feelings. So your tactic, it's effective
> 
> Not even my husband has been able to put me down about being ill that much in an instant, he spreads it out over the day. But you, you were able to make me feel completely worthless in just one short post.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry if my post hurt your feelings, I honestly am that was not my intention. I have been more told many times a bit too honest. You may not believe me, and that's fine, however I honestly did not set out to hurt you in anyway. However I don't think the words of a random stranger on the internet should have a greater effect on you than your spouses words. 

Unless you're sick before marriage no one signs up for a sick spouse, or being broke, or deaths in the family, or car accidents, it's just a part of life that will more than likely come along. I'm not saying that how he treated you was right, it isn't, he should have been there to support and take care of you and it's messed up that he's not. All I'm saying is that he treated you horribly, you're doing the same in return and you really just need to leave the marriage.

When he figures out that you are acting this was to purposely hurt him do you think he'll just let it slide and be the bigger person? He's going to start acting worse, and you'll start acting worse and eventually someone is going to get physically hurt. Do you see the vicious cycle this is going to become?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

floxie said:


> Helliones, that genuinely hurt my feelings. So your tactic, it's effective
> 
> Not even my husband has been able to put me down about being ill that much in an instant, he spreads it out over the day. But you, you were able to make me feel completely worthless in just one short post.
> 
> ...


People are on here for lots of reasons but I don't think it was Helliones intention to hurt you or make you feel worthless, I genuinely think people are commenting on your thread because it is a call for help, and some of us are hoping for you to be able to see your situation from an outsiders perspective.

As to feeling worthless, if a stranger on the internet replying to your words can make you feel like that its no wonder you feel bullied - you must feel that way a lot and not just from your H? You need to work on yourself a little before you can place all the blame for your disfunctional marriage on your H - that is all we are trying to suggest here, that you pick up your socks in the marriage because all the while you are struggling your H has unmet needs too and you show very little sympathy.

The only reason I am even continuing to follow this thread is that even though you say you are checked out, you seem to show a lot of interest still, which is why I say get off the fence about it choose right now whether you are going to divorce today or not, and if you choose divorce there is no point even going on with this thread because divorce means you are firing your spouse as a person that is there to meet your needs - right now you have stopped his paycheck but haven't told him he's actually out of a job so that he can go prepare himself for the rest of his relationship career. It is unethical to treat him that way which is why you are feeling attacked here.

Or if you decide you still want to try to make things work then instantly drop any notions of divorce and put the energy into fixing things and making your life better within the marital bounds.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Hellioness said:


> I'm sorry if my post hurt your feelings, I honestly am that was not my intention. I have been more told many times a bit too honest. You may not believe me, and that's fine, however I honestly did not set out to hurt you in anyway. However I don't think the words of a random stranger on the internet should have a greater effect on you than your spouses words.
> 
> Unless you're sick before marriage no one signs up for a sick spouse, or being broke, or deaths in the family, or car accidents, it's just a part of life that will more than likely come along. I'm not saying that how he treated you was right, it isn't, he should have been there to support and take care of you and it's messed up that he's not. All I'm saying is that he treated you horribly, you're doing the same in return and you really just need to leave the marriage.
> 
> When he figures out that you are acting this was to purposely hurt him do you think he'll just let it slide and be the bigger person? He's going to start acting worse, and you'll start acting worse and eventually someone is going to get physically hurt. Do you see the vicious cycle this is going to become?





Hellioness said:


> I'm sorry if my post hurt your feelings, I honestly am that was not my intention. I have been more told many times a bit too honest. You may not believe me, and that's fine, however I honestly did not set out to hurt you in anyway. However I don't think the words of a random stranger on the internet should have a greater effect on you than your spouses words.
> 
> Unless you're sick before marriage no one signs up for a sick spouse, or being broke, or deaths in the family, or car accidents, it's just a part of life that will more than likely come along. I'm not saying that how he treated you was right, it isn't, he should have been there to support and take care of you and it's messed up that he's not. All I'm saying is that he treated you horribly, you're doing the same in return and you really just need to leave the marriage.
> 
> When he figures out that you are acting this was to purposely hurt him do you think he'll just let it slide and be the bigger person? He's going to start acting worse, and you'll start acting worse and eventually someone is going to get physically hurt. Do you see the vicious cycle this is going to become?


Helioness, you weren't just being honest. You were being mean and you didn't have to be.

You spent five paragraphs degrading me for being ill and not walking around cleaning and having sex with atrophied muscles. Do you know how horribly panful it is to walk around with no muscle in your leg? Our muscles are the core of our bodies and give us strength. I had none and was wheelchair bound. 

I really don't know what to say, but you didn't have to say all of those deragatory things about me. I'm a person, just like you. I may not be perfect in my marriage, or towards my husband, but I didn't deserve you degrading me like that. I'm not even sure what you got out of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

If you don't like what Helliones says then ignore her.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Lon said:


> People are on here for lots of reasons but I don't think it was Helliones intention to hurt you or make you feel worthless, I genuinely think people are commenting on your thread because it is a call for help, and some of us are hoping for you to be able to see your situation from an outsiders perspective.
> 
> As to feeling worthless, if a stranger on the internet replying to your words can make you feel like that its no wonder you feel bullied - you must feel that way a lot and not just from your H? You need to work on yourself a little before you can place all the blame for your disfunctional marriage on your H - that is all we are trying to suggest here, that you pick up your socks in the marriage because all the while you are struggling your H has unmet needs too and you show very little sympathy.
> 
> ...


Lon, I was being degraded just now by Hellioness and at times by my husband. Her intent was not help, or advise me, it was to put me down. Her intent was not to give an outside perspect, there was nothing helpful in that post, just a slew of insults. She even made a list, which was nice.

I do love my husband very much, of course it's difficult for me to just walk way, even despite our problems. I'd think people here would understand that. Especially people who have been with their spouses as long, or longer, than I've been with mine
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

Lon said:


> People are on here for lots of reasons but I don't think it was Helliones intention to hurt you or make you feel worthless, I genuinely think people are commenting on your thread because it is a call for help, and some of us are hoping for you to be able to see your situation from an outsiders perspective.
> 
> As to feeling worthless, if a stranger on the internet replying to your words can make you feel like that its no wonder you feel bullied - you must feel that way a lot and not just from your H? You need to work on yourself a little before you can place all the blame for your disfunctional marriage on your H - that is all we are trying to suggest here, that you pick up your socks in the marriage because all the while you are struggling your H has unmet needs too and you show very little sympathy.
> 
> ...


:iagree:Thank you Lon for seeing that it wasn't my intention.
Floxie, Lon is saying what I was trying to say but in a much better way than I conveyed it. You have every right to leave the marriage, however you need to make a decision and stick to it. I understand you can't physically leave right now, however if you are going to divorce him tell him so and act like it, stop having sex with him, have him sleep on the couch, pretend you are just roommates instead of sending mixed signals, confusing him, and giving him false hope. When I left my first husband, even though I still loved him, it was hard, and it was hard not to give him what he wanted just to keep the peace and because I still loved him, but it wouldn't have been fair for me to continue acting like everything was fine when it wasn't. If I was going to try and work things out with him then I would try to act normal, and cut off ties with the person he didn't want me speaking with.

*How would you feel if you were in his position? If he was planning to leave you, told you so multiple times, but continued to sleep in the same bed with you, and continued to have sex with you while not showing any other kind of affection and bringing up again that he wants a divorce? Wouldn't you be confused on his true intentions?

*


floxie said:


> Helioness, you weren't just being honest. You were being mean and you didn't have to be.
> 
> You spent five paragraphs degrading me for being ill and not walking around cleaning and having sex with atrophied muscles. Do you know how horribly panful it is to walk around with no muscle in your leg? Our muscles are the core of our bodies and give us strength. I had none and was wheelchair bound.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you see it that way but I was just being honest. I didn't spend five paragraphs degrading you for being ill, I never once degraded you for being ill. I did say that using those atrophied muscles will help heal them and I did say that if you are well enough to work there is no reason to feel attacked when your H expects you to be able to clean the house. I do know how painful that is, I am in no way trivializing the fact that it's going to hurt to get those muscles back, but the only way to get them back is to use them. I also know how hard it is to walk around and go back to life after in amputation (my mother who has been disabled my entire life and lives with me recently had her leg amputated), however it still has to be done if you want to heal and go back to at least a small feeling of normalcy.
I didn't degrade you for not having sex either, if anything I did the exact opposite by saying you SHOULDN'T be having sex with him if you have no intention of staying in the marriage, that is just sending the wrong message to your husband and that is part of the reason he doesn't honestly believe you want a divorce. 

I didn't get anything out of it, and again I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt by my post, that wasn't my intention, I simply wanted to point out the ways that you were in fact bullying your husband. I will apologize one last time for hurting your feelings, it wasn't my intention. Many of the posters here are simply trying to get you to see the way your actions reflect to outsiders and most likely to your husband, I'm sorry if you don't want us to do that but posting for advice online invites people to point out the things you don't want to see. 

I'm sorry you saw my post as being mean, however your comment about my being mean when I didn't have to be could also be said for you. You are being mean to your husband when you don't have to be, this is just making things worse.



> Edited to say: neither my husband or I really "signed up" for a sick spouse. But when you marry someone, you support them through illnesses, you help them, you give them someone to lean on. That's what you do.


You also support, and help them when they are going through things of their own, even if they aren't treating you in the greatest way they could be. While you were physically ill and in a great deal of physical pain, he was scared and unsure how to help you, he still is, so while it affected you, your illness also affected your H, just in a different way.
In sickness and health (where he failed) and for better or worse (where you're failing). I'm not saying you need to forgive and forget the way he is treating you or the way he has treated you through the whole thing, but this is just creating a vicious cycle. 

I will try not to come off so harshly in my replies to you in the future. I have apologized more than once, and rather or not you believe it they were sincere, I won't be doing it again though.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Floxie, you have 10 pages and several different people telling you the same thing in different ways.

What is your course of action now?

You can:

A.) Work on your marriage with your husband.

B.) Pursue Divorce.

It's not fair to you or him to send mixed messages, and causes a lot of heartache for you BOTH. 

Set a deadline for yourself to decide what you want to do, then take the steps towards achieving that deadline. If it's divorce talk to him about it and make it happen. Being in limbo like this is just a waste of everyone's time, including yours!

Best of luck...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Floxie, you have 10 pages and several different people telling you the same thing in different ways.
> 
> What is your course of action now?
> 
> ...


Hi YinPrincess, i like your username :smthumbup:

right now, as in at this moment, i am feeling that i want to do choice "a". I'm thinking it's because a moment ago my husband gave me the best oral sex. Really, first i showed him on his nipple. Then he recreated it on my clitoris. It was awesome. And he picked it up so quickly. Whoever suggested that i do that, great idea :smthumbup:. Really relaxed me as today has been pretty stressful for me. I have a test for school... ugh. 

Anyway, this morning he and i had (another) argument. But we both got some things off our chest. And he seemed genuine (though honestly, he has "seemed" genuine in the past). So we'll see. Today is a "good day" for me health wise thus far and I'm grateful for it. And he's being sweet, which is typical for him on my good days. 

I really don't know what i want in the long term, you know? I've been with him for such a long time. And honestly, i am still in shock of what happened to me. It was so life changing and i am still grieving my old healthy self, and my normal life.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

so now divorce is almost off the table because you got an orgasm from his tongue.:banghead:


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Lon said:


> so now divorce is almost off the table because you got an orgasm from his tongue.:banghead:


I don't know if divorce was ever really "on the table". I havent even talked to a lawyer yet, or filed anything. I'm not even sure where i'd start lol.

A divorce was more like a prevailing thought in my mind. A strong urge that I felt. Mostly because of the resenmtent I have towards my husband. But the orgasm I had today, and the talk we had, and the fact that I'm having a good day, brought my resentment down a bit, or it least, it feels lessened. Tomorrow may be different, and the strong urge will be there again. Who knows? All I know is that right now I'm going to enjo basking in the afterglow of my husband's newly developed skill 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

from earlier:



floxie said:


> I agree with you gaia, I do need to stop taking the easy route, I guess I do it because its, well, easiest. *My relationship with my husband is pretty much done, he's aware of that so I dont realy feel like I'm stringing along. I can see that he is trying to fix it, but he's going about it in all the wrong ways. He's tryin to fix it through sex, by pleasing me and all that, but that won't fix it and it actually just agitates me and turns me off more from him*. If I felt that he would at least attempt to fix it MY WAY, then we could maybe get somewhere, but alas, no luck there. I don't think I should be having chore sex with him either, it physicaly and emotionaly exhausts and I gain nothing from it. But its easier to deal with that, than the alternative
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


so first you have completely contradicted yourself and second you have hinged the whole foundation of your marriage and your lifelong committment to this man on your ability to get an orgasm today (just like you said was all the wrong way just the other day). You need to take a larger view of your marriage.


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Lon, I'm gonna guess you didn't read the part where we talked and got some things off of our chest...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

You know the best thing both of you can do is communicate each others needs. I know a lot of men tend to lick the clitoris too hard and and are shocked when their partners tell them they've been doing it wrong lately. If you want him to improve his oral skills then take time to communicate and test different things out. 

The clitoris roots off into the labia minora and onto each side of the urethral sponge aka G-spot. Once you're properly stimulated he could rub a knuckle against your anus with one hand and either rub your G-spot with a finger or tongue. Have him do whatever you like but keep communicating. "Does this feel good?", "Right there" "How about this.... nom nom nomnomnom", OH YES!!!!".

You both could learn to improve your sex lives with books or instructional DVDs. *BUT more importantly it seems you may be using sex as a substitution for communication.* Take some time today for both of you to discuss what you can do to improve your marriage without blaming of criticizing each other. If you need help you have the internet and I'm sure you can find countless advice online or in books, ebooks, DVDs, etc.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

I think its odd how a lot of people keep telling her she should have been straight up. I do not know how many times I get my butt chewed or handed to me because I am straight up and dont just keep assumptions to myself.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

floxie said:


> Lon, you're a guy right? You're probably just saying all of that because you're bitter.
> 
> (Hellioness, I'm only joking, don't stab me):rofl:
> 
> Lon, I'm not the main provider. Really neither of us are. My husband couldn't afford our place without my help and vice versa. If you feel i don't care about my husband, i can respect that opinion.


Is this a case where your husband pays 90% of the bills etc. around the house, but you are a little short each month so you kick in 10% and thus feel like you are an equal provider? From your posts, I bet your husband could do just fine on his own but you couldn't.



floxie said:


> I do love my husband very much...


If you go back and read all of your posts, but pretended that your husband was saying them about you, would you honestly come to the conclusion that he loves you?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Personally, I'm not willing to pin Floxie on the cross just yet.

Anyone at the age of 24 dealing with an unexpected chronic illness, and only married for 3 years has been given a big hill to climb up.

Both of them, actually, are gonna grow up really fast over all of this, or end up not married anymore and maybe bitter about it all. 

Floxie, your comments about waiting until you are healthy to really do something about this is common. Being ill takes all your energy and it's mentally draining long term.

So yeah, don't do anything rash for awhile. Accept the good times when they happen, and forge those into your memory. Hopefully they will overcome the bad memories. (they are just memories, after all) and the better you two get along, the more encouraged he will be. Meaning the stronger you are during illness, the more he may step up. Good luck to you both,


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## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

deejov said:


> Personally, I'm not willing to pin Floxie on the cross just yet.
> 
> Anyone at the age of 24 dealing with an unexpected chronic illness, and only married for 3 years has been given a big hill to climb up.
> 
> ...


Deejov, I really appreciate your input.

For a moment I was feeling like I was in the lions den with everyone's responses lol. Seems everyone here is so.... perfect, perfect marriages. I definitely feel like an outsider, but I suppose you've gotta take the good with the bad 

Being ill, especially long term is so draining you know. Mentally and emotionally. Some days I wake up and I just feel "spent" before the day has even started. My husband and I are on a really rocky path. My illnesses and his, its tough. And we both have to learn to cope, whether we're together or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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