# my sad story



## Parkz (Nov 15, 2013)

Hello all , I'm going to give a quick rundown of my situation.

I'm a 40 yr old man married to my 35 yr old wife. We have been together for 15 years , married for 6. We have 2 children 10 yr and a 6 yr old. We own a house together ( both names are on mortgage ) Still anther 5 years or so to pay it off . Cars are both paid for. 

We have had no real financial issues during our time together , we both work and make good money. We make about the same money actually. There has been no abuse of our children or each other , we are not drinkers , no drugs. I guess we live a pretty clean lifestyle....but as it turns out it didnt' matter in the end.

My wife has complained over the years about spending time together. I will concur that I did not spend enough quality time together with her over the years...and I know now that was the beginning of where I find myself today. I am guilty of this.

8 years go we were having some issues , things didnt' seem right. She kicked me out of the bedroom and i lived in the spare room for a couple months .she had a " friend " that seemed to text her alot. I couldnt' take it anymore...so I checked her phone. After reading a few messages...I found some things that would indicate a affair. I confronted her. 2 awkward weeks later she asked me if I would prefer if she didnt' see him anymore . I agree'd and we carried on with our lives. 

Fast forward to now to about 6 months ago. She confronted me one day and said she is not going to work on our relationship anymore. Once again I was kicked out of the room and now I live in the basement. Having gone through this before I suspected foul play. I went out and purchased a audio recorder and put it in her car. I caught her with another guy on a nite she was supposed to be with her girlfriend at a dinner / dance. 
The man in the car confessed his love to her verbally and they kissed etc when the car parked. They left the event at 1030 pm that nite...and she came home at 215 am. ( i know the time they left because they stated it ..just by chance )

I have also caught her another nite staying at his place....when she was supposed to be at her friends ( girlfriend ) birthday hosue party.

She sleeps with her phone under her pillow now as well. I asked about this and she said shrugged it off. 

We had a massive discussion about this situation 2 months ago and I asked her if she wanted me to leave , she said no....She suggested that we try again. So I agree'd....but things didnt' change.
I tried everything , made a huge dinner from scratch on our anniversary / babysitting for the kids...etc. I've spent good time with her watching our fav shows together , massaged her sore feet at the end of the day. I link up with her at the gym so we can work out together and chat. I thought I was really making a difference....but alas , I had become the outsider in the relationship.

Personallly I have enough info to confidently say there is a affair. I have a lawyers number that I am going to call in the next day or so to set up a meeting. 

Honestly at this point , as hurt as I am , I do not really want to leave the house , as it would just destroy my children , especially the younger one. I think I could learn to live in the basement and be ok with it, but I am going to talk to that lawyer to make sure I know my rights.

So other than that sad story...why am I here? 

I was told by a good personal friend to come here and post. Perhaps even seek out the advice from a member named Weightlifter. My friend said he might have some advice on how to get proof of the cheating....beyond my recording. Would that be benificial to me ? i don't know 

also , IF and When i'm ready to confront her , what are some good things to mention or ways to talk to her.....I am affraid that I will get to emmotional and not really get accross what I need to.

I'm sorry to trouble you all with this , I know its my problem to solve.

thanks


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

First off, why do you keep moving out of the master bedroom when she gets her panties in a bunch?

Second, why are you willing to put up with living in the basement? 

No matter where things end up going, I'd start by recommending the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Mans Sex Life Primer". 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

Sorry you're here. First of all, you don't have to leave the house. You were the faithful spouse, you did nothing wrong. No matter what was happening in your marriage, your wife chose to cheat. I'm sure you weren't fulfilled all the time and you chose not to betray her. It's all on her.

The first affair was rugswept by both of you so nothing was solved at that time. That left you vulnerable to being betrayed again. Although who's to say it wouldn't have happened again anyway. You'll never know, unfortunately. All you can do is move forward.

Weightlifter is the expert around here on gathering info. Hopefully he'll be around soon!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Parkz said:


> (1) My wife has complained over the years about spending time together. I will concur that I did not spend enough quality time together with her over the years...and I know now that was the beginning of where I find myself today. I am guilty of this.
> 
> (2) 8 years go we were having some issues , things didnt' seem right. She kicked me out of the bedroom and i lived in the spare room for a couple months .she had a " friend " that seemed to text her alot. I couldnt' take it anymore...so I checked her phone. After reading a few messages...I found some things that would indicate a affair. I confronted her. 2 awkward weeks later she asked me if I would prefer if she didnt' see him anymore . I agree'd and we carried on with our lives.
> 
> ...


I selected 5 quotes from your post. 

(1) It seems that she's been finding "quality time" with other people all along - so don't blame yourself for any of this. 

(2) Unless you a) were/are alcoholic (b) having an affair (c) using drugs (d) refuse to go to marriage counseling - she had no right to ask you to leave the bedroom - and she had no right to contact another guy. Did she seek counseling of any sort?

(3) As I said - it looks like she's happy to have you in the closet (or basement) as the handy baby-sitter and financial supporter while she does as she pleases. Have you checked her computer - get a keylogger on her computer and check the phone logs - you can discover WHO and how many other guys she's been getting 'quality time' with. 

(4) you have enough evidence - 

(5) how long during your marriage has she been 'going out with her girlfriends' to dances and bars? 


What made you think she ever loved you? Why did it take years during your relationship to marry? Are the kids yours? Are you sure?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here! First thing first move back into the bedroom, You have enough info to know that she is having a BA expose the A and do it now.

Yep call a lawyer and get the D started. You do not have to complete but your WW needs to know that you are serious. OK This is the hard part tell her to get out. You will not let her disrespect you and if she is going to F other men she has left you and the family and show her the door.

You need to be strong and be an alpha. Read up on the 180 and start it now


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Parkz said:


> *Hello all , I'm going to give a quick rundown of my situation.
> 
> I'm a 40 yr old man married to my 35 yr old wife. We have been together for 15 years , married for 6. We have 2 children 10 yr and a 6 yr old. We own a house together ( both names are on mortgage ) Still anther 5 years or so to pay it off . Cars are both paid for.
> 
> ...





I have a few suggestions for you:

1. First for god's sake move back into the bedroom. If she wants to move out of there fine. You are showing that you are pathetically weak and you have to stop this immediately.

2. Start the 180.

3. You can't please, beg, apologize, say this is your fault, or any other weak kneed reaction. You have to maintain emotional stability. Practise it. Stay on script when you confront.

4. Stop with pampering her. She does not deserve it. She is cake eating big time. Do the 180.

5. File for D. Don't tell her. Lawyer up and spring it on her.

6. Again, move out of the freaken basement and back into the bedroom. Let her leave. If she gets mad or whatever, ignore her. Don't get confrontational, go silent on her.

7. Expose the Affair. Put his cheating behind on cheaterville.com. If he is married tell his family. And don't tell your wife what the heck you are doing.

8. Many of us here on TAM know why you did what you did as far as moving to the basement, etc. STOP. Don't allow your kids to see a weak man. A push over. DON'T. 


9. Get tested for STD's.

10. Learn all you can about divorce in your state.


Go cold on this cheater by using the 180. And stop allowing her to push you around. It is time to become the person that you are destined to become.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> (2) Unless you a) were/are alcoholic (b) having an affair (c) using drugs (d) refuse to go to marriage counseling - she had no right to do this.


I would have to disagree with my esteemed colleague regarding reasons to cheat; with the exception of you having an affair, she has no excuse to cheat. She could have talked or walked.

But I do agree that you playing nice is the wrong approach. Until she gets an understanding what it's like to lose her husband for cheating, I doubt anything will change - if even then.

You have to be willing to end your marriage to have a small chance of saving it. 

- Get back in your bedroom and tell her she's the one that needs to sleep somewhere else.

- Expose her affair to her AP's wife or SO, your family and her family.

- Implement the 180 on her to detach from her. This is very important. (find the link)

- Talk to an attorney and start divorce proceedings. Keep going until the D is final; or unless she makes a remarkable turn around. That turn around would include her demonstrating unconditional remorse, complete transparency, and complete honesty about how and when she cheated.

- Expect that she won't accept these consequences and demonstrate remorse. Expect to divorce her. 

If she comes to her senses, post back here for more advice on where to go from there. That would be just the first step for her if you want to consider R.

Stop being her doormat and use your anger to do what you need to do.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

badmemory said:


> I would have to disagree with my esteemed colleague regarding reasons to cheat;


I agree. I edited my post to reflect what I meant:

(2) Unless you a) were/are alcoholic (b) having an affair (c) using drugs (d) refuse to go to marriage counseling - *she had no right to ask you to leave the bedroom* - 

and of course contacting other guys was the likely reason she asked him to move out.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> *You might want to consider carrying a VAR while in your home. * She might falsely claim abuse or threatening behavior to get you kicked out of the marital home.
> 
> If you suddenly emerge from this "doormat" state and start skaking her up. My bet is she's not above false accusations. She's already a liar and a cheat. She won't grow a conscience out of the blue. I'd hate to see her able to do more damage. Be careful. Anticipate her possible next moves. Don't shake things up until you are ready for the fallout. Just my .02


No might about it. Do not have any interaction with her at all without a var on you. You need to move back into the bedroom but if you do it without a var you stand a good chance of ending up in jail for domestic violence. She has proven that she doesn't love or respect you and is happy to lie to you so what's to stop her from lying about you? Protect yourself.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

And yes get a VAR and carry it on you at all times. Don't tell her about it.

There are many here on TAM that have taken your approach, so we do understand why you did what you did.

Some will say "man up", "grow a pair", "go alpha", etc. And man you have to do this. She is using you like yesterday's doormat and you playing nice will not work. 

We are here for you. Many of us have been there. 

Be smart about all this. 

And again I will say, don't plead with her.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Parkz. Dude you don't need weightlifters talents so much as you need to have your cajones returned to you. The rugsweeping of affair number one set the 'norm' for your household. It's not a surprise that you are here.

Follow the advice given about 180, man up, No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man's Sex Life Primer. None are the answer alone but combined you will see how disastrously Beta you are. This and all the advice to follow may not be enough save your marriage. (Then again it may help you see that you don't really want it)

BUT to move forward in your life, be a better man and stronger father you will need to change something. I truly wish you well and will pray for you.

~Passio


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*this is not your fault*


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Thanks for eliminating the might! She is sitting in the Master suite wearing his ummm jewels as earrings. She is shameless. 

He needs a solid plan in place before he puts her on blast. 

OP please proceed with caution and keep all your plans and actions covered. Let her feel comfortable in the meantime. Keep us posted.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Yes, carry a Var on you.

And then go back to your bedroom, and say this aloud: "I'm here to reclaim what's rightfully mine. If you don't want my presence, leave this instant."

Then listen to this recording whenever you feel like it. Some alpha act might do you good.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Unless you live in a fault state file already. Jeez this even makes my stringent level of take action. You have enough for a hard crushing confront. If you want more, it should take you less than a week to get enough for a nuclear destroy her mission.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Unless you live in a fault state file already. Jeez this even makes my stringent level of take action. You have enough for a hard crushing confront. If you want more, it should take you less than a week to get enough for a nuclear destroy her mission.


Unfortunately I suggest you get paternity tests for your kids in case of a future medical emergency, just sayin.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You need to raise self esteem. Do you smoke? Quit. Are you in good shape? You need hit the gym and train hard. This will help you gain balance and confidence.

Don't chat with your wife about your marriage. Smile be happy. Fake it till you make it. She needs to know that your life will go without her. 

Does she make more money than you?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So this is at least her second affair.

She is the one leaving the marriage. Do the 180 and go NC on her.

Also file for divorce and see if she wakes up from the affair fog.

But do not do the nice stuff. She has no respect for you.

Respect yourself and file for divorce. Be a man.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Parkz said:


> We had a massive discussion about this situation 2 months ago and *I asked her if she wanted me to leave* , she said no....She suggested that we try again. So I agree'd....but things didnt' change.


Of course they didn't change. You are a beta male who asks if YOU should leave because SHE cheats?! What the hell, man?

Do you understand the thing about alpha/beta males? And no, I'm not talking about beating your chest and being aggressive or mean. I'm talking about KNOWING your worth and being CONFIDENT that you are a catch and REFUSING to stand by while your wife hunts down other men. Read No More Mr Nice Guy and you'll start to understand. Being beta doesn't make you responsible for her cheating, but it prepares a fertile ground for it.

Women HAVE to respect their men. They just HAVE to; it's ingrained in us since caveman days, protection and all. If you aren't going to be strong and command her respect, she'll have no problem continuing to cheat on you. After all, YOU aren't being man enough to tell her to stop or get the hell out of your home. Oh, and the kids stay HERE. 

THAT is what she's waiting to see and hear from you.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP
Start the confrontation this way.
go to her and say "I am sorry"

Her: "Sorry for what?"

You: "sorry I married such a [email protected]"

Then tell her she's welcome to stay in the master bedroom, but that every piece of clothing she owns is about to take up residence on the front lawn.


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