# Wife's insecurities eating me alive.



## NotStrongEnough (Jul 1, 2012)

I guess I should open this up in saying I met my wife while I was doing a play in college. She'd been dating an aquiantence of mine and had just got out of the relationship when she first met me after seeing the play. Fast forward about a week or so later, we began dating. We were dating for four months when we found out we were expecting. On last July 4th I asked her to be my wife. We had our daughter on December 29th of last year. Well trouble had found us shortly after her birth.

The day after Valentines Day, she happened upon a site I had been visiting. It was an adult roleplaying website and she flipped out on me. I never participated in any of it, I only read a couple of stories and that's it. She acted as if I had physically cheated on her or something. She always had a problem with jealousy, but this incident in her finding this, she snapped. She's gone as far as to say that I can't watch anything with other women in it. Example, she gave me grief for wanting to watch Iron Man as well as The Dark Knight. Also because of this every woman in the world is either a b***h or a sl*t. She always thinks I'm looking at other women whe I'm not. It only gets worse from here.

She always brings this incident up, even close to 5 months after the fact. She makes claims that I gave up on her for going to this site. Her insecurities even go as deep as saying that the game Batman: Arkham City was full of ****ty women. They even go as deep as her lying to me about selling my PS3 that I bought before we were married with my hard earned money. But back to the whole site thing, she intentionally brings it up just to start an argument and make me feel guilty months later when I'm trying to forget and move on, like she should. She keeps giving me guilt trip after guilt trip, to the point she yells at me in front of our daughter over it. She's also got some other issues.

Every since this happened, she thinks that I don't love her and everything I have to say just belittles her. Every time she brings up the incident, she makes me feel even guiltier and I keep constantly saying sorry for it but yet it's as if she doesn't want to forgive me. She's constantly doing stuff to make me think she either doesn't love me or respect me.

When my parents would come over to visit our baby, there were times where she'd lock herself in our room because I have a 5 year old adoptive little brother who's rowdy and she doesn't want to visit with my family because of him. She also has a fuse about as short as an eyelash. I could say one little thing to her and she goes off and starts yelling. It's lkike I have to walk on eggshells with her. The time I just mentioned, I stood up to her and told her that I felt like she didn't respect me, which sparked an argument that spanned almost my entire shift at work that day.

She also thinks I'm pressuring her to get a job. I never once told her to get a job, I'm perfectly fine with her staying home and being a full-time mom. Anytime I took our daughter out and told her that she got lots of compliments, she has this paranoia that the women were flirting with me and I flirted back, when no such thing happened. She's also got this bad tendancy that when someone says something she doesn't agree with, this includes me, she gets mad and walks away. She also demands things done at a certain speed and done a certain way. Like for example, she goes ballistic if I don't change our daughter's diaper the right way or if I don't hand her something quick enough. I also suffer from adult ADHD as well as depression and I've been off my medicine for quite some time because she doesn't believe in taking any sort of medicine. She won't even take any Advil for a headache.

I'm honestly at the end of my rope. There are times that when I'm alone out of the house that I just cry. I love my wife with everything that's within me and it kills me inside that she became this whole other and different person. When we met she was the sweetest person you could meet and over the time I've been with her, she's driven friends away from me. I love her but I don't know if I can stay with her. She's overbearing and difficult to deal with in so many different ways. I've tried to get her to agree to counceling, but she is against it for the reason that she thinks if we get a woman counceler, I'd end up having an affair with that woman, which is also why I can go to therapy for my depression and anxiety problems. I love this woman with every breath I take and every beat of my heart and it hurts that she's become this mean awful person. What should I do?
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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Has she considered counseling? From what I am reading here, she sounds very manipulative, self-absorbed and childish. While I do get the "role play" issue (as my H ended up having EAs with OW on internet sites), the rest of her tantrums are a bit over the top. I don't think you can through to her by yourself. You can't continually allow her to manipulate you with her mood swings. Something has to give.

If you want your marriage to work, she needs counseling. If need be, you can set an example by going first to your own counselor, but the point is to get her to seek professional help. As much as you would like to help her yourself, you don't have the basics to getting to the root of the problem.


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## NotStrongEnough (Jul 1, 2012)

She went tio counceling once before when she was a little kid. She's had a very traumatic childhood, being taken away from her birth mother at a young age and after her mom got back her two oldest and the baby of their family, she felt rejected for so many years. She's also had lots of bad relationships in the past, where guys would just use her and leave. But anyways, I've tried so many times suggesting it and she turns it down every time, even for me to get help for my conditions.
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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

NotStrongEnough said:


> She went tio counceling once before when she was a little kid. She's had a very traumatic childhood, being taken away from her birth mother at a young age and after her mom got back her two oldest and the baby of their family, she felt rejected for so many years. She's also had lots of bad relationships in the past, where guys would just use her and leave. But anyways, I've tried so many times suggesting it and she turns it down every time, even for me to get help for my conditions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My ex-husband was a lot like that. I waited to long myself and I will always regret it....sometimes you have to just make an ultimatum (out of love). 

Another thing, YOU go to a counselor and discuss it and at the VERY minimum you will have a better idea how to deal and help her deal with her insecurities.


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## NotStrongEnough (Jul 1, 2012)

Anytime I suggest counseling she gets all bent out of shape and keeps saying that if it's a woman counselor for me or if we were to actually go together, she things that I'd have an affair on her.
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## TeR (Jun 28, 2012)

Take your medicine...that's first and foremost!

Her opinions/abeliefs are her own and should not be forced on you. It's already been concluded that you suffer from depression...take your medicine. She is clearly having issues of her own and _at least one _of you needs to be sane for your daughter's sake.

Secondly, she needs to seek help for her mental instabilities. Either counseling (as suggested by others) for her insecurities and/or childhood trauma or for a possible hormonal imbalance. If I understood correctly, she's six months out of child-birth (?). She may be going through some serious hormonal changes (including post-partum). I personally went through this...I would not conceed at the time and would have chewed my husband's head off for mentioning it; but I can look back & admit it now.

Let her know it's not acusatory, you feel she's changed a bit from the woman you fell in love with and for the family's sake she should see someone.

Lastly, all of the above mentioned will not resolve the 'porn' issue. It may however show her how ridiculous of a reaction she's had and maybe she'll be able to 'deal' with it differently. Either with her new anti-depressants or with counseling and maturity.

You are in a bad place right now...if you truly want to hold on to her, it will be a long hard road. I wish you the best.


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## NotStrongEnough (Jul 1, 2012)

Well the main problem she has is the fact that she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her. Although a couple months back, she admitted that she thought she had post-partum, but she'd refuse to seek help or take medicine for it for the reason that she wants to have another child right after our daughter, which is why she won't budge on me taking my medicine. She's also had a sickness (which I think is either in her head or brought on by stress or depression) for the past couple of months. She won't eat unless I'm here because she devotes ALL her time while I'm working or at school to our daughter and only her. She doesn't do anything for herself, even eat, even when there's food here to eat. I know we're not in any place to bring another life into this world and I've tried telling her that we should wait to have another child when our daughter is at least 2 or 3, but she's so obseessed with having another baby there's no getting through to her on anything. She's convinced that all people are evil and that she's the only good person left.
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## NotStrongEnough (Jul 1, 2012)

And to answer your question, yes she's 6 months out of child-birth.
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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

NSE, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm so sorry to hear that you and your W are suffering so badly. Like the other posters, I strongly recommend that you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you two are dealing with. I am not a psychologist. But, if I had to guess, I would agree with TER that the most likely causes are postpartum depression or a mental instability. If it is the latter, the most likely cause is BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has.


NotStrongEnough said:


> Well trouble had found us shortly after her birth.


By itself, this statement strongly suggests the problem is postpartum depression because you describe most of the strange and abusive behavior starting then. As I discuss below, however, you describe other problems that seem to have been present from the beginning -- which indicates that BPD cannot be ruled out at this point.


> She always had a problem with jealousy, ...She always thinks I'm looking at other women when I'm not. It only gets worse from here.


My BPDer exW was the same way. If your W has strong BPD traits, she has an enormous fear of abandonment and an inability to trust others (likely stemming from her being removed from her mother in early childhood). Because that fear is so great, BPDers have a distorted view of their spouses' intentions and motivations.

Indeed, most of the behaviors you describe -- the temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, irrational jealousy, irrational anger, verbal abuse, and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD. Significantly, these traits can be exhibited temporarily when caused by postpartum depression and the attendant hormone imbalance. To be indicative of the BPD disorder itself, these traits must be persistent -- usually starting by the mid-teens. 

Hence, if your W has strong BPD traits, the only time that they should completely disappear is during the courtship period. They would disappear then because her infatuation over you would hold her great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. Typically, that infatuation period only lasts up to six months before the traits start showing again. It nonetheless is possible for them to be suspended for a year. This is why I am particularly interested in hearing whether you spotted any red flags occurring in your marriage before your daughter was born.


> She also has a fuse about as short as an eyelash. ... It's like I have to *walk on eggshells* with her.


If she has strong BPD traits, she has an enormous amount of anger that she's been carrying since early childhood. You don't have to do anything to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that TRIGGERS the anger that is already there. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the spouses) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._


> She went to counceling once before when she was a little kid. She's had a very traumatic childhood, being taken away from her birth mother at a young age


Most abused children do not develop BPD. Such abuse and abandonment, however, GREATLY raises the risk of doing so. Indeed, a recent study (pub. 2008) found that 70% of the BPD sufferers report having been abused or abandoned in childhood.


> She always brings this incident up, even close to 5 months after the fact.


If she has strong BPD traits, she will be bringing this incident up 30 years from now if you two are married that long. My exW was that way. BPDers are convinced that they must be VICTIMS and they continually look for validation of that false self image. Once they obtain "evidence" of an infraction, they add that misdeed of yours to a long list that never goes away. 

The list will be pulled out nearly every time you have a disagreement, no matter how minor. This is why it is impossible to have a rational, calm discussion with a BPDer over any sensitive issues (and nearly all issues are sensitive). Instead of discussing the issue at hand, the BPDer will launch into a diatribe about everything she imagines that you ever did wrong. This process is called "kitchen sinking" because -- when you are trying to resolve a single issue -- a BPDer brings up everything, including the kitchen sink.


> She also thinks I'm pressuring her to get a job. I never once told her to get a job.


If she has strong BPD traits, she is unable to regulate her emotions. The result is that she frequently experiences such intense feelings that she is convinced they MUST be true. You therefore cannot reason with her. Her "reality" is whatever intense feeling is flooding her mind at the moment.


> She's also got this bad tendancy that when someone says something she doesn't agree with, this includes me, she gets mad and walks away. She also demands things done at a certain speed and done a certain way.


BPDers are extremely uncomfortable with ambiguities and uncertainties when dealing with other people. Hence, if your W has strong BPD traits, she usually will do black-white thinking, wherein she will categorize everyone as "all good" (i.e., "with me") or as "all bad" (i.e., "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one extreme to its polar opposite -- in just ten seconds -- based on some minor infraction or idle comment. This all-or-nothing thinking also will be apparent in her frequent use of extreme expressions such as "you always..." and "you never...."


> She wants to have another child right after our daughter, which is why she won't budge on me taking my medicine.


As TER wisely suggests, you should get back on your medicine so you don't have to battle ADHD and depression while also having to deal with your sick wife. Importantly, you must remain strong and clear headed so as to protect your daughter. You therefore should not be taking instructions from a sick, unstable W whose behavior is abusive and childish, if not delusional.


> I've tried to get her to agree to counceling, but she is against it.... she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her.


If she has postpartum depression, therapy can work wonders. If she has strong BPD traits, however, it is extremely unlikely she will agree to therapy or -- even if she does -- will stay in therapy long enough to make a difference. Like the other PDs, BPD is "egosyntonic," i.e., is such a natural part of the distorted way she's been thinking since childhood that it is invisible to the person suffering from it. Hence, although excellent treatment programs are available, it is rare for a BPDer to take advantage of them.


> What should I do?


As I said earlier, I join the other posters in recommending that you see a clinical psychologist _on your own_. Indeed, it is better that your W is not along because, as I've explained in other threads, therapists are loath to tell a BPDer the name of her disorder (for her own protection). Hence, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion -- when BPD is a possibility -- is to see your own therapist. 

I also suggest that, while you are waiting for an appointment, you read about BPD traits to see if there were any red flags occurring earlier in your marriage. Of course, you won't be able to diagnose BPD. Only professionals can determine whether the traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full blown BPD. There is a world of difference, however, between making a diagnosis and spotting strong BPD traits. There is nothing subtle about traits like verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and irrational jealousy.

If you would like to read more about BPD traits, I suggest you pick up the book I mentioned above. And, for a quick overview of those traits, you may want to take a look at my description of them in Maybe's thread. My posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, NSE.


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## NotStrongEnough (Jul 1, 2012)

I've already PMed you Uptown but thanks for your wonderful posts. I'll also use this thread to update everyone of more of her rediculous behavoir. Like for example, anytime I try to fall asleep while she feeds our daughter, after I had a long day at wor, even if I had my eyes closed my eyes for a moment, she gripes me out. But I do believe that all of what was described is what she suffers from, she fits that description so very well!
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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

NotStrongEnough said:


> I do believe that all of what was described is what she suffers from, she fits that description so very well!


As an initial matter, NSE, if you suspect your W has strong BPD traits, I recommend that you NOT tell her. If she is a BPDer (i.e., has moderate to strong traits), she almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage her to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell her.

Second, if you think you may stay married to her, I suggest you get _Stop Walking on Eggshells_, the best-selling BPD book targeted to spouses like you. Or, if you decide to get a divorce instead, get _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist._ Both books are written by the same author.

Third, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The ones that likely will be most helpful to you are the "Staying" board, "Leaving" board, and "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD."

Fourth, while you are at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York.

Fifth, I again suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with -- and how likely it is she may have passed it on to your daughter. As I've explained in many other threads, your best chance of getting a candid opinion regarding a possible BPD diagnosis is to NOT have the BPDer along. Therapists are loath to tell high functioning BPDers the name of the disorder.

Finally, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful.


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

She has no right to deprive you of your mental health. I'm not exactly a proponent for long-term medication for ADHD or depression, but I do see therapy as important to most people's well-being. Just go. If her behavior is as bad as it is with just mentioning a therapist, I don't know that it would be much worse that if you just go ahead and go.


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## NotStrongEnough (Jul 1, 2012)

I've decided that even though I'll have to figure out a way to be quiet and discrete about it, I'm going to try to go to therapy on my own once my college classes are in session. I may have to ditch a class or two but it's for the best. Last night she was worried about our daughter not eating all that well and I asked if she was depressed all around and she said she was. So I asked her if she'd think it'd help to see a therapist and she blatantly refused to. So this pretty much tells me any ultimatium I may throw at her will just end in us divorcing. Because she isn't willing to help fix our marriage and her problems, so why should I stay in an abusive marriage? I love her, but I don't think I can be with her anymore.
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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

NotStrongEnough said:


> Anytime I suggest counseling she gets all bent out of shape and keeps saying that if it's a woman counselor for me or if we were to actually go together, she things that I'd have an affair on her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then go to a male counselor.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

NotStrongEnough said:


> I've decided that even though I'll have to figure out a way to be quiet and discrete about it, I'm going to try to go to therapy on my own once my college classes are in session. I may have to ditch a class or two but it's for the best. Last night she was worried about our daughter not eating all that well and I asked if she was depressed all around and she said she was. *So I asked her if she'd think it'd help to see a therapist and she blatantly refused to.* So this pretty much tells me any ultimatium I may throw at her will just end in us divorcing. Because she isn't willing to help fix our marriage and her problems, so why should I stay in an abusive marriage? I love her, but I don't think I can be with her anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One person cannot fix a marriage. She has to want to fix it.


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## NotStrongEnough (Jul 1, 2012)

Just thought I'd post this other little nugget of info. Last night, she found me on the couch listening to some heavy metal before I was going to bed. I sometimes sleep in the living room to sleep with our daughter who's attached to sleeping in her swing but that's beside the point. This, among other times, she's given me grief about my musical tastes, calling heavy metal and hardcore, two genres I adore, nothing more than devil worship. Now, she's a devout Cathloic and I'm a non-denominational Christian. She claims the reason I don't want to go to church (her church that is) is because I listen to that type of music. I've had a close relationship with God on top of listening to that type of music, and I've listened to that type of music long before I met her. So back to the church thing, she refuses to go to any church I'd be comfortable at, claiming that all I'll do is just stare at other women while there. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like she's been trying to change the person I am into her idealized version of her perfect man. A little bit about me, I like comic books and superheroes and anytime I want to watch a movie with them, she goes on her whole broken record speech. That being all those movies are trashy and have nothing but women with their boobs hanging out all throughout the movie. I feel like the person I am deep down is being suffocated because I can't be myself anymore because of the things I enjoy. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage anymore because of all of this on top of our current problems, which she's brought up that website business all this week, there are even times that I question if I love her anymore because these arguments have broken my heart so many times. I don't know if I can ask this, but would it be possible if this thread could be moved to the undecided section. Because at this point, I don't know what to do anymore.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

NSE, thanks for the update.


> I like comic books and superheroes


Me too. I grew up reading lots of comic books. I still love any movie based on a comic book. One of my favorites is Barb Wire. And, of course, I like all the Batman and Xmen movies too.


> she's given me grief about my musical tastes


Your W's extreme views toward religion and music -- i.e., both being the work of God or the devil -- are examples of the black-white thinking I discussed above. Namely, BPDers are so uncomfortable with ambiguities and uncertainty that they shoe-horn other peoples' behaviors (and music) into an "all good" or "all bad" dichotomy. It therefore is common for BPDers to be strongly attracted to simple solutions, as occurs in cults and extreme religious views where a few folks "go to heaven" (i.e., are split white) and everybody else "goes to hell" (are split black).

If you would like to read more about the way BPDers latch onto religion, you may want to take a look at the forum discussion at BPD and religion. There is also an interesting discussion of the relationship between BPDer splitting and religion at PTypes - Splitting and projective identification.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

hmm.
i dont take any meds if i can help it. My wife tends to be on the submissive side so i cant relate to alot of it. Though she has tried to pull a card once in a while but she didnt get far with it.
walk on eggshells around your wife? My man, what is up with that? 
I have nothing against the religion, but then again i am so.....

If i was into comic books and superheros i guarantee even my wife who is submissive would give me a ration of crap.

Everyone is different though...

Arent you suppose to be leading her if she is in trouble some how? Why you walking on eggshells and all this other stuff?
Do you know HOW to lead her?
My guess is she is looking for it but sees you looking at comic books and flips out on you. 

i hate to say it this way, but she may be outgrowing you.


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