# Seriously considering separation - am I being reasonable?



## Sad lonely girl (Sep 2, 2020)

Hello all,


I have been married to my husband for 8 years. We have 2 kids (5 and 7). I am looking for some advice. Maybe experiences from anyone who has been in my situation.

Our marriage is sexless (2-5 times per year or less) and has been since the beginning, it started that way because he never initiated which led me to feel undesirable, and now I am not attracted to him anymore. He still never initiates. He is happy to go along believing that this is ok and never discuss it. He has also had hygiene issues

He has a short temper and is often very rude and cold to me. I got to a point where I just closed myself off and stopped interacting with him much because it made me so unhappy and stressed.

He’s been emotionally unavailable since I can remember and he claims that’s just who he is


we have been to marriage counseling twice and no changes every come from it
there is so much more that I’m not even adding to this post but I am full of resentment from being hurt and I have a wall up.

I am emotionally exhausted from this marriage and I recently had to go on antidepressants to cope. I cannot put anymore energy into this for the same outcome over and over again. I don’t want to hurt my kids. It’s heartbreaking to me.

I told him if I stay, it’s very important to me that he tries individual counseling to work on his own issues. I’m in IC as well. He outright refuses to go. He said he knows it’s important to me, but he just doesn’t want to go. 

Are these reasons to separate or am I being unreasonable?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Sounds like a sad situation, it’s hard if one person wants to stay in the marriage and the other doesn’t


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You are not being unreasonable, @Sad lonely girl. You have plenty of reasons to leave your husband, based on this thread and your other ones. You need your husband to change, and he has told you that he won't. So, now the rest is up to you. 

If you stay, nothing will change. Your kids are young and they will adjust.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Sad lonely girl said:


> Hello all,
> 
> 
> I have been married to my husband for 8 years. We have 2 kids (5 and 7). I am looking for some advice. Maybe experiences from anyone who has been in my situation.
> ...


Not unreasonable , you can’t fix things alone — both of you need to want to fix things together to be able to move forward
Ask him if he in fact wants to still fix the relationship, you will find your final answer with the response he gives you there
Sometimes we try to keep wanting to fix people who dont find the need robbed fixed . We cannot function that way forever , you have to make a decision to move on WITH or WITHOUT him — and he has to let you know
There’s a lot involved her especially with kids but if it isn’t working , you don’t want your kids to see an unhealthy relationship as they grow up .
You have to make a conscious decision for you and for your kids and for the relationship… end it amicably and realize it’s just no longer working , that way you can still maintain a decent co parenting situation regardless
But if he does want work it out then go for it and continue counseling , find ways to re connect with each other even if it’s not about sex at first .. you have to start being friends first before anything else


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You knew this from the beginnings and you accepted it. Now, it has become an impossibility to you. If you didn't have the fortitude to end it in the beginning I wonder if you would now have the fortitude to end it, because that's the solution to your sad life. END IT. DIVORCE. MOVE ON.


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## MumbleBoy (Nov 6, 2021)

Some men truly do have low sex drive. However in your case it isn't just not enough sex it's a bit of everything else: rude, arrogant, unwilling, complacent, cold, emotional unavailable ... do I need to go on?

LET HIM GO! Your kids will do just fine without him and you will do even better, even though you are feeling scared and uncertain right now; which is understandable.


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## njdad83 (9 mo ago)

Ask him to give you an honest answer as to what he wants. Is he really happy like this? What is he wiling to do with you to fix it? (Or is he willing to do anything?) Is he depressed, does he feel overwhelmed and has checked out? There are a lot of factors involved. You loved each other once enough to get married and start a family. If there is anything left that you both are willing to work on, that would be a start. If he cant give you a straight answer or wont, it may be time to leave. Separation is just divorce with training wheels.


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