# Devasting Decision



## SkyRider (Aug 6, 2013)

I have been married for a little more than 4 years and now I am considering leaving my wife. I need help and advice about this, please!!! I realize turning to this is a step to leaving...

My story - Met in college, was the first person she ever dated and had a serious relationship with. She was the most innocent girl ever, while I had many before and I was already corrupted. We dated for about 1.5 years, were engaged for 1 year, now married for 4. I suffer from what I call the "Train-wreck" syndrome, which is ever relationship ends the same way, by me derailing it with fear, doubt, anxiety, and paranoia. I have broken off every relationship because I get these feelings of "no connection", paranoia about cheating, etc....Even before we were about to be married I had these feelings the strongest and if I was a stronger person then I would have spoke up, now I feel like I will just hurt her more if I leave. 

We have no kids, the relationship in my mind has been dying for the past two years. I just feel no love and attractiveness to her anymore, even though she would be considered decently attractive. I have found myself seeking out CL ads and wanting to have an affair, looking at porn *and I just hate myself for this*. I have done several things borderline if not unfaithful, no outside sex, but feels damning in my mind. 

She knows none of this, nor how I feel. I am afraid to tell her I don't love her because of her reaction and her emotional response. Every time I even hinted at it, she broke down in tears and I just can't stand to see her cry in front of me. So I had to make something up to calm her fears. I think she is afraid of losing me like any happy married couple would be, but I am not happy and have not been for a long time. I am all she has ever known and has probably become co-dependent on me. I am sure she loves me more than anything. She scrap books us and everything a happy married couple would do, except I do not feel this way anymore. I mask my feelings to not hurt her more, but feel I am hurting her more by continuing the relationship, when I feel it is over.

I feel like I would devastate her if I leave and dishonor both our families; however, I would be unhappy if I don't leave, as well as feeling guilt about the other things I have done. I feel like I am stuck in a looping circle with no end. 

I am prepared to leave, but I am concerned about how she is going to take it after I do, I don't want to destroy her, she has been nice and would be a great friend, but I just don't feel attracted to her anymore. I feel like she will have lost everything and might consider suicide, but I feel like if I don't leave I might. 

I am ready to just walk away and never return, just pick up my few belongings and hit the road. My thinking is that I will not have to deal with the emotions then nor any of the divorce proceedings....please help!!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You can't just run away.

Man-up and be honest with her. Don't waste any more years of her life. She deserves real love in her life, so don't steal that from her by staying and cheating.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You have given NO reasons for the way you are feeling, except that you have done this to every relationship before this. I would suggest you get yourself into counseling to find out why you sabotage yourself. And yes, at some point you need to be up front with her, it doesnt sound like she has done anything wrong, so that is going to be a really difficult discussion.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Sounds exactly like my ex H. Sabotaged every single relationship he has ever had in his life, in the same way.

Emotional unavailability, commitment phobic. All stemming from his childhood and family.

Suggest reading "Men who can't love". OP may find his life story in every page. Helps to start to understand who one does these things.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you wanted to fix this you could... the problem in in you. 

A relationship dies like this because it's not nurtured. If you have a garden and you do not water is and feed it, it dies. The same goes for love and relationships.

It's not hard to learn how to nurture a relationship. If you don't fix yourself you are doomed to a sad and empty life.


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## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

Did you get hurt before? It just sounded to me you are commitment phobia, those are classic symptoms. What made you finally proposed and gotten married in the first place? I agreed with all the comments... Good thing is that you know it is your problem and that actually makes it easier because you can find ways to fix yourself if your goal is not to suffer your own emotional issues. It is hard I know, but you know you can fix yourself because you have control over yourself by going to counseling and such, but you can't fix others? You can't stop her from not loving you. Or you can give yourself and this marriage another chance, and go through counceling, maybe with her also, also at least she knows what is going on, and if still you can stay with her at least she will be able to move on easier knowing the truth. 

I agree with 3Xnocharm, if you dragged on it will eventually hurt her even more... remember this... women has a biological clock that men don't need to worry about nor think about. The more you drag, more of her time / life wasted for you. You would rather hurt her now and let her move on, she will be able to get over you and find someone else to build a family with.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Before you end this relationship and start another one that you are doomed to sabotage, get yourself into counseling and figure out why you are so emotionally unavailable.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You have serious childhood damages that need to be identified and addressed.

The fear of abandonment is your most obvious symptom. There are most likely others. You may suffer from a personality disorder. I do not understand why you haven't sought professional help yet. It's much more important than leaving your wife.


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