# greatguy ugly depression



## crazyinlove (Nov 20, 2010)

Hi, My lovely husband has long term debilitating bouts of depression.
I, on the other hand am a very cheery and sociable woman of 52.
On October 9th my dear man , who has been tired, withdrawn and socially and physically unable to function, tried to take his life.

we had had a fight, as I was at the end of my tether, hoping and waiting for him to come back to me in spirit.

He had spent yet another weekend just sleeping and not washing or taking care . Usually he is a smart and beautifullly groomed gentleman.

He is now 5 weeks into a help programme with meds and talking therapy etc.

However, I am still shocked and feel helpless , lonely and uncertain about what to do to help my husband.

Sometimes i feel angry and just want to walk away from alll of this and get back out into the world.

We have good friends who keep inviting us both out to dinner etc.
but he wont or cant attend, and at the momeny, I dont feel able to leave him to cope on his own.

When well, he is quiet and not a big social fellow, but is gentle, intelligent, kind generous and funny, 

I still lov e this man so much, but his lack of interest in anything to do with me or my life and his loss of libido means that I feel so very lonely and rejected.

I have told him all of this and he feels even worse!

Can anyone offer me some helpplease, I dont want to leave him , but feel like I am in some way causing his depression , Thank you.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Has he been this way his entire life? If he has always been this way then he is not going to change. 

the best way to help a depressed person is to let them experience the consequences of their actions. He is hurting you. You are lonely and getting depressed yourself. You must take care of yourself. If that means leaving then you must do that. A depressed person cannot understand how to heal until they see how they are really affecting people. If you try to pretend to be happy around him, and try to make him happy, then he cannot learn how he is truly affecting people. He also cannot learn to make himself happy. he will keep thinking it is other's responsibility to make him happy. As you are learning that doesnt work. he must learn how to make himself happy. He must give himself a reason to stay. the sooner he learns that the better off he will be. Most people think that by trying to make a depressed person happy that they are helping, but that is not the case. by withholding natural consequences and taking away his accountability to himself you are hindering him from learning how to heal. As hard as it is you cannot give him a reason to stay alive. He has to find that for himself.


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## crazyinlove (Nov 20, 2010)

HI bianca,
Thanks for your sweet and sober message.

It had in no way occured to me that I was important too in all this, Yes, he has been this way since adolescence, when the mood swings and dark thoughts first began,

We have been together 15 years, and Have brought up my two children from a previous marriage with so many happy times, but yes so many lonely ones too.

I am so focused on waiting, supporting and hoping for , in the words of Jeff Buckley, " His sweet return ". that I have almost lost sight of myself, and fel actual guilt if I go ouyt etc,

You are very perceptive to think that I am also becoming depressed.

Depression is an unseen menace to the sanity of all it touches, so destructive!





" Wedlock's The Devil " also by Lord Byron


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

CIL, how do the "moods" manifest themselves? That is, how long do they take to start and how long do they last? I ask because people often confuse event-triggered rages with depression. An event-triggered rage typically starts in ten seconds and lasts about five hours (rarely as long as 36 hours). In contrast, a depressed mood may take two weeks to develop and will last for weeks.


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## crazyinlove (Nov 20, 2010)

Hi Uptown.

Thanks for replying.

Well he has the latter, that is long periods of despair and crying that appear to come out of the blue.

They typicallly last 2 months or so at that level, then get a little better .


He seems to have a kind of low grade "sadness" about him most of the time, we did go out for a beautiful walk today and did some real talking, which he said made him feel less anxious.

It was strange, we have lived here for 15 years and today , in our pre occupation with each other we came across two young carmelite monks out for a walk, they smiled and blessed us, I am not a religious person , but the timimg was so lovely and the vibe was too.


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