# Quick Introduction



## P517 (Dec 27, 2020)

Hello everyone - I'm P517. My husband and I are in our early 60s - both retired. Our children are all adults, out of the house, and we're grandparents. I believe we've been very blessed with a strong, happy marriage. My husband is the most wonderful man I know. 

The issue that has emerged is that my mother-in-law has moved in with us. She is in the initial stages of dementia, along with a few other health challenges. My husband is a loving and dutiful son, and I try to do all I can to support him and provide a welcoming atmosphere for his mom (laundry, meals, companionship, etc.). She can be difficult at times (this was even before the demential began to manifest itself), and of course now the outbursts are even more unsettling. But that's really not the main challenge. 

What I'm concerned about is how to keep the foundation of our marriage strong as we focus on caring for my mother-in-law. It's only been a few months, so I may be overreacting at this stage, but I'm feeling very disconnected from my husband. He has remained very kind towards me, but I feel unmoored - if that makes sense. I feel so selfish and guilty even raising this as an issue, but I just feel a little lost. I know that I need to just talk to him and let him know how I'm feeling, but he has so much on his plate right now, I was trying to wait until things are a little more settled, and our new routine is more firmly established. 

I'm here to learn from everyone, especially those who are facing a similar situation. Very happy to have found this forum.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hi and welcome to TAM. I would suggest marital counselling and check out the availability of support groups for families of dementia sufferers.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Welcome!
One thing I know from personal experience is it's very stressful and overwhelming to care for elderly parents and especially ones with dementia. My dad would lash out so we had to put him in a home because he couldn't even get along with the home care, threw his walker at one of them. And his dementia started way before his body was about to give out so it was very difficult and that was even without me being the one to live with him. 

I think sometimes people have to compartmentalize these things because it's just too overwhelming so they kind of shut down a lot of the everyday things they're usually concerned about so they can concentrate and just deal with mentally the big overwhelming problem. 

One thing I would suggest is at least run by your husband the possibility of giving you both a break a couple of days a week by having Home Care come in. You can either use that time to just relax or go do something together but the whole point is to just get it off your plate for a break just like you would if you were working a difficult job and you needed a day off. 

This is just taking up a lot of his mind set. It may even be so stressful on them that he feels like if he even starts talking about it that he'll lose it or something. I remember during all that type of stress what a strain it was when other family came to me trying to expect me to handle one other thing. I was already depressed before any of that even happened and then all that load. I was lucky in a lot of ways. But I lived out of state and I was lucky that one of my parents at least had siblings up around where she lived. 

So talk to him about giving yourselves a little break by getting a little help if you can afford it. Medicare pays for a certain amount if you can get a doctor to order it. 

Just try to maintain your equilibrium and your husbandal come back to himself one of these days.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

P517 said:


> Hello everyone - I'm P517. My husband and I are in our early 60s - both retired. Our children are all adults, out of the house, and we're grandparents. I believe we've been very blessed with a strong, happy marriage. My husband is the most wonderful man I know.
> 
> The issue that has emerged is that my mother-in-law has moved in with us. She is in the initial stages of dementia, along with a few other health challenges. My husband is a loving and dutiful son, and I try to do all I can to support him and provide a welcoming atmosphere for his mom (laundry, meals, companionship, etc.). She can be difficult at times (this was even before the demential began to manifest itself), and of course now the outbursts are even more unsettling. But that's really not the main challenge.
> 
> ...


Hi, this is a very hard situation and you are a very loving wife to do this for your husband. Sadly as her disease progresses it will probably get easier as normally the personality tends to fade into the background, as sad as that is.

You need to talk to your husband about this. I think one of the things you can do is to give him some time to talk to you about what he is going through. It's very hard to see your parent go through this. I watched a close family member take care of their elderly mother who had Alzheimer's and it was brutal.

I also don't think it is wrong to get an adult babysitter at times and try to go out. It's OK to tell your husband that you think you both need a brake and you want to spend time with him.


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## P517 (Dec 27, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> Hi and welcome to TAM. I would suggest marital counselling and check out the availability of support groups for families of dementia sufferers.


Thank you very much, Matt. Those are good suggestions.


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## P517 (Dec 27, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Welcome!
> One thing I know from personal experience is it's very stressful and overwhelming to care for elderly parents and especially ones with dementia. My dad would lash out so we had to put him in a home because he couldn't even get along with the home care, threw his walker at one of them. And his dementia started way before his body was about to give out so it was very difficult and that was even without me being the one to live with him.
> 
> I think sometimes people have to compartmentalize these things because it's just too overwhelming so they kind of shut down a lot of the everyday things they're usually concerned about so they can concentrate and just deal with mentally the big overwhelming problem.
> ...


I appreciate this perspective so much. Very grateful to you for outlining it all so clearly. We do have in home care that comes in 5 days a week for a few hours in the morning, and that has been incredibly helpful. It just seems like we both need those few hours every day to do some other chores! But I do understanding what you're saying. I know that it's so difficult for my husband.


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## P517 (Dec 27, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Hi, this is a very hard station and you are a very loving wife to do this for your husband. Sadly as her disease progresses it will probably get easier as normally the personality tends to fade into the background, as sad as that is.
> 
> You need to talk to your husband about this. I think one of the things you can do is to give him some time to talk to you about what he is going through. It's very hard to see your parent go through this. I watched a close family member take care of their elderly mother who had Alzheimer's and it was brutal.
> 
> I also don't think it is wrong to get an adult babysitter at times and try to go out. It's OK to tell your husband that you think you both need a brake and you want to spend time with him.


Thank you so much for this advice. I think I'm a little scared to talk to my husband, which feels so strange because normally we can talk about anything. I'm really thinking very hard about what you've offered - very good counsel. Thank you again.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

P517 said:


> Thank you so much for this advice. I think I'm a little scared to talk to my husband, which feels so strange because normally we can talk about anything. I'm really thinking very hard about what you've offered - very good counsel. Thank you again.


Don't ask him just talk to him about the situation. Such as - "I know this is very hard for me to watch what your mom is going though, I am sure it's hard for you, how are you? I am here for you if you want to talk about it." Stuff like that. So you are not pressuring him but making it general and how you are feeling. "Maybe we can go out and get your mind off it for a while. I am always going to be here for you." So it's not you saying I need this, but instead I am here for you. 

Again this is very hard I think.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

P517 said:


> I appreciate this perspective so much. Very grateful to you for outlining it all so clearly. We do have in home care that comes in 5 days a week for a few hours in the morning, and that has been incredibly helpful. It just seems like we both need those few hours every day to do some other chores! But I do understanding what you're saying. I know that it's so difficult for my husband.


Good! And I do think men compartmentalize more than women. I had a man explain it to me once. We were long distance and it all came to a halt and turns out he had a good journalism job lined up that fell through, so then he had to just concentrate on getting his life back together and surviving. Then he'd reappear months later. I think I tend to do that some too and am not even aware of it. 

Making all those decisions is so stressful and it's all just sad and overwhelming. Just try to be there for him and try to be sure you go do something once in awhile to clear out your heads, a day of fishing or go to the zoo, a casino, whatever, a nice change of pace that gets you out of your environment. You have to do things to create balance so it's not all heavy all the time. Good luck!


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## P517 (Dec 27, 2020)

I just wanted to thank all of you for so kindly offering such sound advice. My apologies for not coming back quickly to respond. It's been a little crazy the last week or so. I'm heeding all the good counsel everyone gave me. My husband and I did have a little talk on New Year's Eve, and we'll be talking more. It was a really good initial conversation, and we'll be continuing to work through things in the coming months. Thank you again, everyone.


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