# Requesting for Insights (Divorce)



## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

I met my husband five years ago through a mutual friend. After two years of dating, we tied the knot in the Catholic church. Had a son who is now 27 months.

Before we even celebrated our first year wedding anniversary and on my sixth month of pregnancy, I decided to go back to my home country. This decision of course was in consultation with my husband. The primary reason I went is that my mother will be there to help me when I give birth and the second reason is a good job opportunity that rarely comes. So, in 2008, I went and had an early labor three weeks before the expected date. Hence, my husband missed the birth of our son by two days as he was not scheduled to fly in yet at that time.

Our initial agreement was that after the first birthday of our son, we will move back to the US. When that time came, recession was hitting the US pretty bad and the job prospects are not good. So, I asked my husband if I can stay for one more year. He agreed as he knows that his income alone cannot support the family in the US. As you can probably tell, I earn more than him. For the past 27 months, my husband did not provide any child support to our son. On my income alone, I am maintaining the whole household. Please note that I am fine with this and I never made the child support an issue because I know how much he only gets.

So, another year has passed. But instead of going back, I extended my contract for another 6 months. Again, this is in consultation with my husband. Every time it happens, he would agree and would not say anything. So, I thought everything is okay. Until July 2010 on his last visit to us to celebrate our son's 2nd birthday. On his way to the US (with ticket I bought for him), he made a stop over in one of the Asian cities and there he met a 21-year old student who attends the same university I attended for my graduate degree. The day he left me from where I am stationed, he also started a relationship with this student. They hit it off instantly and from that time forward my husband stopped emailing me, calling me, or texting me. He said because of his military training, he cannot call or text or email me. I was fine with that.

Until 17 September when a voice inside my head was telling me to check my husband's email. I did check. And I got the shocked of my life. He has been in close communication with this 21-year old girl for the past three months and they are talking about getting married and my husband even told her that he sees her as his wife and the mother of his kids and that they should not care what people say. Of course there are lusty part of the emails about things they did together, which I would not go into details. They are exchanging "I love you's."

I was in an emotional roller coaster ride since 17 September 2010. At first, I want to save the marriage. Then I want to end it. Until on 21 September through God's guidance, I decided to go to the US to talk to my husband to salvage our marriage. No matter how expensive the airfare was and how far I have to travel, I went. To give you an idea, I traveled a total of 30,000 miles to literally beg my husband on bended knees to take me back and my son and give our family a chance. The entire week I was there begging and making up for my shortcomings, my husband was not able to make a decision. He said he does not want to get hurt and he cannot decide on whether to choose me+my son or the the student. My spirit was crushed. But I agreed to give him a week to give me a decision.

When I arrived on where I am currently based in Asia, just an hour when I got back, another voice was telling me to check my husband's bank account. So, I did, Again, I got the shock of my life. While I was in the US begging for my husband to take me back and my son he has been sending the student flowers and gifts. Immediately, at that point, I have realized that our marriage is over. So, I called him and told him it is over. Of course, he was furious and got back to me with an email saying that:

"_I was trying not to hurt anybody more than the other. I sent her flowers with a card saying, thank for being my friend and I hope we can still be friends in the future. I was going to choose you. But your over reaction to everything is what pissed me off. You don't have to call so many times or voice messages text email what ever it may be. Your OCD gets the better of you. Your trip here was changing my mind, but you changed everything. I think you know what my decision is now for sure. I don't care at this point if I go home to nobody. Just to have some peace and relaxation when I get home is what I need. I alienated someone else in my life to make you happy and now I will go home to no one. Don't respond with the thought of trying to change my mind. I've made a decision and I am sticking with it. Nobody wins. At this point I just want to make things right for our son._"

I did not buy it. If he is going to choose me, shouldn't I be the one receiving flowers? I know it is silly, it is just flowers. But for me, his actions speak volumes.

So, right now, I am in a cross road and I would like to request each and everyone of you to please pray for me for more strength to overcome this trials and more love to share to my son. Please especially pray for my son that I will be able to raise him with so much love that he would not feel he is missing a father.

I WOULD LIKE TO DRAW INSIGHTS FROM BOTH MEN AND WOMEN:

FROM MEN: What do you think of my husband's actions? Can you really love someone in three months time of texting, emails, and phone calls? Can you really say you want to build a family with her? Can you just easily forget about your wife and son just like that? What about the flowers? Is it really justified? By the way, my husband never said sorry for being unfaithful. When I asked him why, he said, he felt what he did was justified because he thought I was never coming back. The entire three months he stopped communicating with me, I have made up my mind to go back to the US on January 2011 but was not able to tell him because he said he cannot be contacted because of military restrictions. Do you think my actions justified what he did? I feel it is all my fault.

FOR WOMEN: Would you have done the same thing I did? Would you react the same way I did about the flowers?

BOTH: I am confused whether I am making the right decision about ending our marriage. Everybody around me thinks this is the best for me and my son. But deep inside me I am unsure. I still very much love my husband despite the infidelity. I love him. For those of you who have gone through this phase, when will the love stop. I am having difficulty of letting go because I am afraid of losing him and I really do love him. I have never loved any other man in my life the way I have loved him.

Thank you very much in anticipation to your reply and apologies for the long post.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If he really, REALLY wanted to stay with you, he would have tried. I think he is using you calling him out on the spending money on the student as an excuse to shift the blame for the end of the marriage to you.


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

Thanks, Chris! I really appreciate your sharing your two cents!


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## Braelynn21203 (Oct 4, 2010)

I'm sorry, but I agree with Chris. I don't think he was ever going to take you back. I think the best thing for you to do now is to just focus on your son and raising him. It's prolly a good thing that he's not in your life anymore.

Chin up sweetie, things suck right now but it wont last forever.


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

Thanks, Braelynn!

I believe my son and I deserve a better man than that!

He does not even know how to be grateful for all the good things I have done but focused only on my shortcomings.

Also, if he is a decisive person, he would have decided with his head and not only with his heart and his physical needs.

Apparently, he is slow in processing things and it was very evident on how he handled our situation.

Thank you all for all the insights. I really appreciate it.


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## TN Twist (Oct 26, 2010)

You're a strong woman and I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself and your son. You're doing it on your own already. Your son will be fine. Really... do you want a man like that teaching your son how to be a man?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

So you've had a 2.5 year long distance relationship with your husband after being married less than a year? Why on earth would either of you want to stay in a marriage like that? 

Basically, you choose to take away the experience of being a father from him for financial reasons, repeatedly stayed away when it was supposed to be a 1 year thing.

If you want insight on infidelity and how to handle this, I'd repost to that forum. Normally I'm against any cheating. But for god sakes, what did you expect?


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## JustaDad (Oct 25, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> So you've had a 2.5 year long distance relationship with your husband after being married less than a year? Why on earth would either of you want to stay in a marriage like that?
> 
> Basically, you choose to take away the experience of being a father from him for financial reasons, repeatedly stayed away when it was supposed to be a 1 year thing.
> 
> If you want insight on infidelity and how to handle this, I'd repost to that forum. Normally I'm against any cheating. But for god sakes, what did you expect?


I agree with SS...
I'm 31, and my personal "Guy" insight is that he's been lonely for a long time. He's practically been by himself while you've been away; not just away for a few months but really away in another country for years. He's missed out in helping you raise his son, he's missed out on being close to his wife. 

I'm going through some issues of my own right now with my wife. However, I can at least say we did have some good years together and I've enjoyed every single day raising our son.

I feel you might have put more of a priority on income than on your marriage. If I had to work at a shoe factory or any other job I'd might not enjoy making minimum wage to be near my family I'd do it. As long as I could still be able to provide all the necessities in life for my family.

Now being away from your husband for all this time makes me wonder. Have you been with anyone else. Women have needs just as men do. I know most women have no issue in handling their sexual needs themselves with no problem. But I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about your emotional needs. The need to be held, to feel special, to feel wanted.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

How did he feel about you always re-extending your stays away? I cannot imagine how any relationship can survive so much time apart, especially at such an early stage. I think if I were him I would already feel like I was single again if my spouse was gone that much. I would also be very resentful that my spouse chose to keep extending the time away. He is probably very hurt.


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

Dear Everyone,

Thank you for your posts and I really appreciate the insights from the men in this forum.

First off, there was a question on whether I had any affair of my own -- emotional or physical. The answer is NONE. I was focused on my work and on my son. 

Second, I guess I missed out providing a few more details on my original post. MY H AND I SEE EACH OTHER EVERY 3 MONTHS SINCE I LEFT THE US. I BUY HIM THE TICKET TO FLY TO SEE US FOR 2-6 WEEKS EVERY THREE MONTH. ONCE A YEAR MY SON AND I FLY OUT TO THE US TO BE WITH HIM AND MY IN-LAWS.

Third, when my H engaged in his extra-marital affair, he met the girl on the plane coming from his visit to us to celebrate his son's second birthday. So, let us say today was his flight, we were intimate. Twenty four hours later, he was with the other girl and doing it with her. CARE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO ME, PLEASE? 

I do understand and respect *Trooper, JustaDad, and seeking sanity's* point of views. I believe that was what my husband felt and I was willing to mend our marriage that is why I went to MO to beg him to give me and our son another chance. I asked him again two weeks ago if he can take me back and my son together as we are a package deal. Again his answer was NO. He said he does not think it is a good idea for us to live as a family even though I give up my career and be with him in his home state.

So, what could I do now? I do love him. I actually feel I love him more than I love my son, which is actually wrong. But, I do love this guy more than all of you can imagine. I just did what I did because I thought that was best for the three of us.

I am so sorry if you think I am heartless for doing what I did. I thought that was the best option at that time. 

WOULD IT HELP FOR SOME TO UNDERSTAND IF I SAY THAT PRIOR TO BEING MARRIED TO ME, MY HUSBAND OR SOON TO BE EX-HUSBAND WAS PREVIOUSLY MARRIED. I AM HIS SECOND WIFE. TO THINK THAT HE AND HIS EX-WIFE WERE TOGETHER IN ONE PLACE UNDER ONE ROOF AND THEY ONLY LASTED FOR 1.5 YEARS. I WAS JUST HOPING IT WILL TELL YOU MORE ABOUT MY H.

Thank you again for your insights. I really appreciate it.


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## JustaDad (Oct 25, 2010)

I think the time spent apart even though you would see each other every few months is what eventually led to the fact that your relationship itself grew apart. However, after seeing that you did see him every three months for weeks at a time my opinion of him has shifted a bit. 

I would never cheat on my wife. The opportunity for me to cheat has been there before and I would probably never get caught if I tried, but that goes against the very promise I made in the presence of God. If he felt the relationship was drifting he should have talked with you. Maybe even make his own suggestion as to how to try to work things out. 

The love for your child should be the most important thing in your life before any man. I love my wife with all my heart and soul but I realize that my relationship with her could end one day. On the other hand, the relationship and bond with my son is eternal. I will forever be his father no matter what happens until my last day here on earth.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

dantanph - I understand you are in pain about this, and I'm empathetic. The challenge you have is that he's already used to you being outside his normal life, and he doesn't really have a huge bond with your child because he's spend so little time with him. (Men don't have an immediate biological bond to their children, it's developed over time.)

Affairs follow the same pattern: You could read Not Just Friends, After The Affair, and other books on infidelity. When partners are separated all you can really do is work on yourself and your own happiness, and he'll see it over time, possibly coming back to the relationship. But since you live in different countries, there isn't really the opportunity to do that. 

If he's determined to leave, to me it doesn't sound like there is enough of a marriage bond or family bond to give you much leverage. 

It's hard to know his role in this. On the one hand, he agreed to the arrangement, which could speak to his own desire to avoid intimacy, or perhaps he's a chronic cheater. On the other, the affair could just be a misguided way to feel important, as he hasn't felt important to you.

Even the language you use: "I bought him a ticket" speaks to a very separate view of your lives. 

I'd get divorced and find a man in your home country you can truly have a marriage with. This hardly seems worth saving.


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

*seeking sanity* and *JustaDad*, thank you once again for taking the time to reply.

I ADMIT THAT I HAVE SHORTCOMINGS AS A WIFE. I AM NOT PERFECT AND HAVE ASKED MY HUSBAND TO FORGIVE ME. I ALSO ASKED GOD TO FORGIVE ME. MY HUSBAND SAID HE CANNOT FORGIVE ME. I FELT LIKE I DID SOMETHING CRIMINAL. HE DID NOT EVEN WANT US TO TRY AGAIN EVEN THOUGH I AM SO WILLING TO.

I believe that to some extent you are both correct with your assessments. I honestly believe that my soon to be ex-H does not have that bonding with our son. Even when we are together, instead of playing with him, he would tinker on his play station, iPhone, or laptop. He told me he does not know how to play with him. Not sure if that is true.

The last time I spoke with my soon to be ex-H, he said that he does not think our family is giving a try even though I told him I will forgive and would try my hardest.

Can you please enlighten me that this statement is true: IF A MAN WANTS TO BE A PART OF YOUR LIFE, HE WILL DO WHATEVER HE CAN TO BE A PART OF IT. IF HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE IN YOUR LIFE, HE WILL MAKE ALL THE EXCUSES HE CAN TO LEAVE YOU.

Is that statement correct? If so, does it mean that he does not want to associate himself with me and my son.

He keeps telling me that I deprived him of our son in last 2.5 years. I told him that because of what he did, he deprived himself of the next 5, 10, 15, 20, and so years of my son's life.

When I asked my husband if he thought about hurting his son when he engaged in the affair, he said YES. From a guy's point of view, is that correct? If you are really thinking of your son, why would you engage in an affair? Don't you think you will be hurting him? Don't you think he might develop some hatred and resentment towards you for hurting his mom? Don't you think about the possible implications of your actions -- that you will get a divorce and probably you will see less and less of your son?

I AM SO SORRY BUT MY HUSBAND NEVER TALKED TO ME ABOUT US RESOLVING OUR ISSUES. THAT IS WHY I ASSUMED WE DID NOT HAVE ANY ISSUES BECAUSE HE DID NOT BRING ANYTHING TO MY ATTENTION. I WOULD HAVE LISTENED AND WORKED THINGS OUT WITH HIM. HE JUST DECIDED TO SHUT ME OFF AND MY SON FROM HIS LIFE SINCE JULY 15, 2010, THE LAST TIME HE CALLED AND CHECKED ON US.

BY THE WAY, ANOTHER QUESTION FOR YOU GUYS: IF YOUR CHILD IS AWAY FROM YOU, DOES IT MEAN YOU WILL ALSO NOT PROVIDE CHILD SUPPORT? My husband from day one my son was born did not provide any financial child support to our son. He would buy him toys occasionally. Up to know, he does not want to send child support. I asked and he would not give. What should I do with a guy like that and now he wants full custody of our son.

I am so sorry if I sound emotional, which I am. I hope in the next few weeks, I would be able to slowly move on and accept that I no longer have a husband and from this point forward it will just be me and my son.

Thank you all. I really appreciate it!


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

You need a good family law attorney right away, if you do not already have one. You are most likely entitled to child support, it is not up to him to decide if he wants to pay or not. You also state he now wants full custody, but didn't seem to want to have anything to do with your son previously. Does he just want to avoid paying child support? He could also just be trying to get back at you, but he would probably not be the best parent since he has had so little contact with your son and doesn't even know how to interact with him, according to his own statement. 

I do think the long times spent apart had a huge impact on your marriage. I am sure you did what you thought was best at the time and unfortunately, he did not speak up and tell you how upsetting it was for him. Instead, it sounds like he just got madder and more upset and found someone else to fulfill his needs or possibly just to try to hurt you as he probably felt hurt. If he refuses to reconcile then there is not much you can do, but learn from the experience and do everything possible to protect your son. You did not really say whether he was also working or if you were the primary financial provider, but if he was making a good living he probably felt you did not really have to stay away to work. If he was not able to provide for you financially, that may also have led to his behavior. He may have felt inadequate on top of being away from you and had the affair to get back at you. 

It sounds like you really tried to do what you thought was right, I wish you the best.


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

Thanks, Trooper.

My husband stays with his parents as his income is only enough for him and his hobbies -- cars and race cars.

He spends more than he earns.

When we were still together in the US as a married couple, he lived in my place and I was the only one paying for the rent and bills. He shares with some food. But that was it.

I also sought help from the military as he just enlisted this year. They would not help me with adultery case since I am not in the US. They will only help me with child support and debts.

Thanks again for all your insights and for taking the time to hear me out.


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