# My wife proposed divorce



## DomML (Feb 5, 2013)

A few weeks ago my wife of only fourteen months proposed divorce following an argument. 

Back Story:

We met four years ago on a dating site. Both of us have our past shady relationships. Relatively shortly after we started dating we began to argue about small things. The arguments were also small; lasting less than a day total and wrapping up with affection and promises. I think along the way I got very scared that she was going to turn into the girlfriend/wife that I would be unhappy with (that's my baggage) so I started shutting off on minor things like playing a video game instead of going to bed (actual sleep) with her. She threw me a few curve balls like not allowing me to play a certain game because her ex was addicted to it, or not letting me go out with a guy friend for drinks because "single guys do that, not guys in a relationship."
So it's fair to say we were both unfair to each other because we were afraid that new would turn into old.

We settled into our groove, a fight every once in a while (to be fair, it was usually about something that I was doing wrong) with a long stretch of comfortable cohabitation in between. We enjoy some of the same things and have taken many pleasurable vacations. We share responsibilities and I don't let her down on that but she has been trying to shape and mold me like I have been trying to mold her and she's now fed up with trying...

The Main Problems:

She was always on me to quit smoking, and I gave it a fair chance on several occasions, but have yet to quit indefinitely. That, above all things has been the offense that she sights whenever we talk about individual happiness and the merger that is our marriage. 

Suddenly a few months ago, after dealing with a lot of tension, she started seeing a therapist. I thought it would be a good idea and I started seeing one as well. Within the first few appointments she was coming home in an argumentative mood and refusing to see any side of me that wasn't doing something wrong. We did a joint therapy session and she berated me for an hour then apologized then retracted her apology. She has accused me of not wanting to change and uses any and all previous incidents on my part as ammunition when we argue (which is 90% something that she starts now)

Ok so that's the basic story. We are a young couple, full of fear and uncertainty. I don't want to lose her but she doesn't see anything that I have tried to change. I try to treat her with respect but she says I'm verbally abusive ( I have called her names during intense fights and she has called me names too). 

I'm sorry for the incomplete story but it's hard to put a lot of this into a story because it's all happening sort of out of blue and I don't have anywhere or anyone to turn to but her and she refuses to talk to me. She only wants to talk to her therapist.

Does this sound like anyone else's story?

Quick note: never ever on the life of her parents would she cheat. There has been no infidelity.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

DomML said:


> Quick note: never ever on the life of her parents would she cheat. There has been no infidelity.


So, you confronted her about the possibility of adultery and she swore on the life of her parents that she had not done so. Did you suggest this oath form, i.e. "the life of her parents" or did she?


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## DomML (Feb 5, 2013)

No, I mean to say only that on the topic of adultery, I'm not concerned.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

DomML said:


> No, I mean to say only that on the topic of adultery, I'm not concerned.


So, she never actually used the phrase "on the life of my parents?"


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

This is a toxic relationship. She sounds immature and controlling. Get out before you have kids. And stop spending inordinate amounts of time playing video games, it's very unattractive to women.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Dom, it sounds like you two have some seriously mistaken ideas about what it's ok to ask of a partner or change for your partner. 

It's absolutely not ok to call her names. Yes, this is verbal abuse. You're supposed to love and treasure this woman, so act like you do. Ignoring your marriage for video games falls into this category, too.

It's also not good for her to try to change you. If she loves and accepts you as you are, then she should also act like a loving wife and not like a nag. 

If you two cannot accept each other for the rest of your lives, then therapy will just prolong your agony.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Out of the blue after one of your admittedly many arguments she proposes divorce? Check her phone records put a voice activated recorder(VAR) in her car and home, spyware on the smartphone I think there may be a third party in the mix.


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## DomML (Feb 5, 2013)

OnTheRocks said:


> This is a toxic relationship. She sounds immature and controlling. Get out before you have kids. And stop spending inordinate amounts of time playing video games, it's very unattractive to women.



I think you misunderstand. I play video games less than an hour a week. She told me not to play WoW because her EX was addicted, not me. I used the video game reference because it was literally an argument that spawned from the left over baggage of our previous relationship.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

DomML said:


> There has been no infidelity.


How many times has a first time poster said this?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

DomML said:


> I think you misunderstand. I play video games less than an hour a week. She told me not to play WoW because her EX was addicted, not me. I used the video game reference because it was literally an argument that spawned from the left over baggage of our previous relationship.


I did misunderstand. 

That is extremely controlling behavior on her part to demand you stop something inane like that for her own petty reasons.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I'm sorry for the incomplete story but it's hard to put a lot of this into a story because it's all happening sort of out of blue and I don't have anywhere or anyone to turn to but her and she refuses to talk to me. She only wants to talk to her therapist.


From the snippet of story you give, this behavior doesn't seem out of the blue. If you think about it, she's been fault finding with you from day 1.



> Relatively shortly after we started dating we began to argue about small things





> We settled into our groove, a fight every once in a while (to be fair, it was usually about something that I was doing wrong)





> she has been trying to shape and mold me


I think maybe the therapist has helped her to see that the two of you are incompatible and have always been. Some things you cannot force, and she can't change who you are. She can only change herself. Maybe leaving you is the change she needs to make to be totally happy.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

_*We are a young couple, full of fear and uncertainty. I don't want to lose her but she doesn't see anything that I have tried to change. I try to treat her with respect but she says I'm verbally abusive ( I have called her names during intense fights and she has called me names too). *_

You both sound like you have.... uhm.. challenges.

You say you 'try' to treat her with respect. Does that take effort.. how so? 

Yoiu are trying to change... what? 'she doesnt see it'?

You are both 'molding' each other? 

And smoking is the big deal breaker it seems? Had you promised that you would quit?

....


so 'shortly after' you started dating you were arguing about 'little things'. Like what?

Im curious... so why did you get married, again? Im not being a prick, Im honestly just curious. Your post begs more questions than it answers.


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## DomML (Feb 5, 2013)

I completely understand, and am remorseful that I have called her a name. Believe me, I don't suffer form the delusion that our relationship was ever rosy and perfect. What I can't understand is why she might not be willing to see any of the changes I have made. Also, the video game thing... like I said to another post, less than an hour a week. I have always been more willing to do something with her than play video games.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I try to treat her with respect but she says I'm verbally abusive ( I have called her names during intense fights and she has called me names too).


Also, one doesn't TRY to treat others with respect, you just DO.

Name calling is definitely abusive and disrespectful and it shouldn't be happening.


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## DomML (Feb 5, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> From the snippet of story you give, this behavior doesn't seem out of the blue. If you think about it, she's been fault finding with you from day 1.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yea, that's the fear. On the other hand, I don't think slight incompatibilities like struggling with cigarette addiction and occasional name calling (which I understand is wrong) out weight the bond of friendship. Where has the love gone that used to be there?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

OnTheRocks said:


> How many times has a first time poster said this?


They have been married 14 months. I think we dont need to jump onto the infidelity bandwagon quite yet.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

DomML said:


> ...On the other hand, I don't think slight incompatibilities like struggling with cigarette addiction and occasional name calling (which I understand is wrong) out weight the bond of friendship. Where has the love gone that used to be there?


well.. name calling for one, isnt going to help. Its more damaging than one might guess.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

DomML said:


> ...What I can't understand is why she might not be willing to see any of the changes I have made....


why.. I ask again... are you having to change?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

DomML said:


> Yea, that's the fear. On the other hand, I don't think slight incompatibilities like struggling with cigarette addiction and occasional name calling (which I understand is wrong) out weight the bond of friendship. Where has the love gone that used to be there?


Maybe that's a core issue too. Your definition of slight versus major may be way off from hers. Perception is everything here. You think fighting and making up is cool and you can move on from it, but maybe she has been keeping a tally and each fight diminishes her positive feelings for you.

This is especially true if the issues you fight about don't get resolved. Rugsweeping causes resentment.


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## DomML (Feb 5, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> _*We are a young couple, full of fear and uncertainty. I don't want to lose her but she doesn't see anything that I have tried to change. I try to treat her with respect but she says I'm verbally abusive ( I have called her names during intense fights and she has called me names too). *_
> 
> You both sound like you have.... uhm.. challenges.
> 
> ...


When I say "try" I mean I think about how she feels when I get consumed in reading and don't hear her when she asks me a question. Now I try to keep an ear open so that she doesn't repeat herself

She's asked me to be less take her feelings into consideration (I know it's sort of the same as the above statement) so I have tried to just assume she's in need or want of affection and to talk to her less than take her at her word that she's always tired and doesn't want to talk. To clarify, I try to ask her questions about what she wants or needs from me instead of letting it rest with her saying "I'm tired, I don't want to talk about it."

Moulding... in the sense that I don't like the sound of her or anyone chewing... thats petty but I don't blow up over it, in fact that has never been an argument. She doesn't like that I smoke so she gives me dirty looks when I go outside to smoke. And it had to be said, I brush my teeth and wash my hands and face every time I come inside. She says that she wants me to do that so that we can kiss, then she doesn't kiss me.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

you both have some work to do. You both sound largely incompatible.

what did you talk about at your joint session? Was that the only time you both went together?


hey - here is a word for you:
Misophonia - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## DomML (Feb 5, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Maybe that's a core issue too. Your definition of slight versus major may be way off from hers. Perception is everything here. You think fighting and making up is cool and you can move on from it, but maybe she has been keeping a tally and each fight diminishes her positive feelings for you.
> 
> This is especially true if the issues you fight about don't get resolved. Rugsweeping causes resentment.


Yes, when you say 'Perception' I completely hear you on that. Her ideals and mine are different but as far as life goals, we are a match. We love our family and had planned to start a family. You know what... now that I think about it, I asked her to think about taking out her I.U.D a few days after my last birthday in January. She really got scared about that and it started an argument which led to this fast downward spiral. 

Over the last year or two she has talked to me about critical things like addiction (cigarettes only) and I have agreed to cut back and take breaks when I can. Like I told her, quitting it a serious destabilization for me. I have no other crutch to fall back on for stress relief right now and when the relationship is total crap, I can't do both. That's probably a cop out but no one is perfect... I need some semblance of stability from her before I start giving up the things I enjoy to make her happy.


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## DomML (Feb 5, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> you both have some work to do. You both sound largely incompatible.
> 
> what did you talk about at your joint session? Was that the only time you both went together?
> 
> ...



That link is interesting. The fact that some people mimic the behavior sounds like tourette syndrome


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

IDK. I'm more or less of the thinking that she signed up for the cigarette addiction when she met you and invested in this relationship. It's one of those things she needs to accept about you. She can gently present an argument for quitting (which is compelling, because it is harmful to your health) but to demand you quit is over the top.

As far as the starting a family thing goes... well honestly if she sees your relationship on shaky ground I can see her reluctance in taking the IUD out. Again this is about perception. She sees your relationship as unstable, and you seem to think you only have a few minor rough patches to sort out. Obviously you've missed some things along the way here.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

10% of the experiences we've had cause 90% of our problems. Each of you needs to get a handle on your OWN baggage and not expect each other to cope with it.


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## DomML (Feb 5, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> IDK. I'm more or less of the thinking that she signed up for the cigarette addiction when she met you and invested in this relationship. It's one of those things she needs to accept about you. She can gently present an argument for quitting (which is compelling, because it is harmful to your health) but to demand you quit is over the top.
> 
> As far as the starting a family thing goes... well honestly if she sees your relationship on shaky ground I can see her reluctance in taking the IUD out. Again this is about perception. She sees your relationship as unstable, and you seem to think you only have a few minor rough patches to sort out. Obviously you've missed some things along the way here.


You're right. I have missed some things. I don't know what things because I can't get her to tell me specifics that don't revolve around things that happened years ago that have no bearing on what's happening now. Someone, maybe you, said that the resentment builds up. Doesn't that ever get offset? I take care of her unbelievable well minus my flaws which I am seeing my own therapist to address. 

It seems like I can't get a break long enough to show her that I have really changed. The argument that prompted the whole divorce discussion took place a month ago and I've been showing her more praise and affection and not getting snippy with her. I offered to have pay for her to go to a work conference because we thought they weren't going to cover it, I have a list of things to change in the house to make it a better home (paint, replace things, etc) but none of that is enough. I feel like she's got this holier than thou perspective and I can't overcome it. 

Anyways, I appreciate the help and the talk... I guess time will tell. I pray daily for guidance. 

Thanks


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## DomML (Feb 5, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> 10% of the experiences we've had cause 90% of our problems. Each of you needs to get a handle on your OWN baggage and not expect each other to cope with it.


Thanks, I'll try and do that


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

There is work to be done on both sides for sure. Resentment can be mended, but only if the problem get resolved and both of you are happy with the compromise. Then on top of that, true forgiveness has to be in play. Bringing up past hurts over and over again don't make room for a clean fresh start. You're essentially opening wounds and they will never heal that way.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

DomML said:


> Quick note: never ever on the life of her parents would she cheat. There has been no infidelity.


Most betrayed spouses and partners say that.

They don't usually throw it into their posts as a separate note and dramatically add the part about the life of their parents hanging in the balance of a sordid affair but it's still the same general idea.

You believing she would never cheat does not in any way shape or form mean that she has not or will not cheat on you.


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## DomML (Feb 5, 2013)

kindi said:


> Most betrayed spouses and partners say that.
> 
> They don't usually throw it into their posts as a separate note and dramatically add the part about the life of their parents hanging in the balance of a sordid affair but it's still the same general idea.
> 
> You believing she would never cheat does not in any way shape or form mean that she has not or will not cheat on you.


I added it because some people on this board are sure without question that the spouse it cheating. Notable by the first or second reply to this thread. I wanted to take that assumption off of the table so that we could get down to brass tacks and I could get some advice unrelated to tapping her phone or breaking into her e-mail. Those, above most other courses of action seemed likely to be destructive to the already eroded trust issues that my wife and I share with one another. 

That's why I placed it in the OP so emphatically.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

(There are alot of damaged relationships here. It is what it is. Firefighters see piles of kindling and gasoline everywhere. Then again, perhaps I am insufferably naive. Your phrasing set off one of their trip-wires.)


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## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

One of the biggest red flags I see in your relationship is you're both trying to change each other. This is actually pretty normal for couples who have only been together as long as you have. The problem is it may be "normal", like I said, but it will also destroy a relationship.

My wife and I fought constantly during the early years of our relationship, and trying to change each other was one of our core problems, although neither of us was consciously aware at the time that that's what we were doing.

When we finally stopped trying to change each other the most amazing thing happened ... we changed! (both of us). Go figure 

Anyway, you might try paying attention to the things you fight about. If you notice it's over things like disagreeing over how the other wants to do things ( you know - how to celebrate holidays, which way the toilet paper goes, where to squeeze the toothpaste tube, etc), the things you each enjoy doing or not doing (e.g. one wants to socialize the other wants to stay home), etc. - those are areas where you're arguing over personal preferences and those are the kinds of areas you need to give each other space on.

If it's over the use of money, how to raise the kids, how honest you are with each other, etc. - those need communication and compromise.

Just some general guidelines but a good start. BTW, we made our way through some very difficult times early on and are now close to our 32nd anniv. We could have missed out on a beautiful relationship together if we hadn't have learned to accept each other - differences and all - plus communicate our way through the tough issues.

Good luck in your marriage, I hope it works out for you.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

DomML said:


> That link is interesting. The fact that some people mimic the behavior sounds like tourette syndrome


I suffer from Misophonia. It's pretty intense. People use mimicking to reduce the severity of the reactions (don't ask my why it works. The whole disorder is horrible and makes little sense).

To OP: To me you do _not_ sound incompatible. You both sound like you simply haven't learned how to communicate with each other yet, and have started the cycle of resentment, reacting to resentment, causing more resentment, etc. etc. and it will keep getting worse and not end until one of you takes the first step to calm down, STAY calm, and listen to the others true feelings and try to find your reconciling ground on each issue that's bothering the other. you know you've found the correct solutions when each person is enthusiastic and happy with how things should go from now on.

This is meant to give you hope, because it's entirely fixable!


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

DomML said:


> I added it because some people on this board are sure without question that the spouse it cheating. Notable by the first or second reply to this thread. I wanted to take that assumption off of the table so that we could get down to brass tacks and I could get some advice unrelated to tapping her phone or breaking into her e-mail. Those, above most other courses of action seemed likely to be destructive to the already eroded trust issues that my wife and I share with one another.
> 
> That's why I placed it in the OP so emphatically.


Except that you can't just remove a strong possibility from the equation because you "want to".

I only wish life was that easy.

By the way most of the spy tactics recommended on this site won't erode trust any further, in fact if you do it right, and you don't get caught, and you don't find anything, well then you just might find reason to trust her more than you already do.


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