# Advice is appreciated!



## reallyunsure (Jul 7, 2011)

Your advice is very much appreciated. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 7 years, and we've been together for 10 years. He was the best guy ever...great looking, smart, hilarious, honest, and career driven. His only downfall when we married was he was slightly overprotective/smothering...he just wanted my attention constantly. I thought this would resolve after we married and he knew I was his forever...and it did resolve...for a little while. As the marriage progressed...so did the arguing. It's like the more we got used to each other...the more hateful the words became. Sadly, sometimes the arguing turned slightly physical. We'd always feel bad afterward and make up instantly. I went to school and pursued a challenging degree...my attention was solely focused on school...I quit my job and he supported me. The stress of school and him being the sole financial supporter added fuel to the fire. The fighting became more physical...I'd throw something out of anger and he'd push and pull me around. He would often put me down in front of our friends and family...he thought it was hilarious...everyone else thought it was rude and I was always humiliated. He'd get jealous if I did something as small as go to lunch with my mom. Our relationship got bad enough and I became so closed off that we even had sex with someone else...we drank too much one night with some close married friends of ours and things got out of control. Needless to say...I moved back home for 2 months. He totally lost it...he was a wreck. We started talking and going to marriage counseling and he'd swear he'd change. I've been back home for a year now...and guess what...things have been great for the last year! He really did change...and so did I. The only problem is...I just don't feel the same anymore...as much as I try. I still love him, but somewhere I feel things will go back to the way they were before. The passion is gone. The desire for sex with him is gone. I've developed a crush on someone and feel like I think about them more than my husband... I would never cheat and I just don't know what to do anymore. My husband is ready for a baby and I want a baby badly too, as we're both getting older. I just can't shake this gut feeling that I'm denying myself true happiness if I stay married to him. What do you think?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

reallyunsure said:


> I just can't shake this gut feeling that I'm denying myself true happiness if I stay married to him. What do you think?


I can only address your question from my own personal experience - TRUST YOUR GUT. Those instincts that feel like tiny pokes at your consiousness are much bigger than you suspect. I think a lot of folks would be far better off if they just listened to those small doubts instead of brushing them away.

I'm glad your husband changed for the better. However, after going through years of having it bad - and "getting physical" IS BAD - feelings can die. I know there are people who will see this from another perspective and advise you to try MC and/or IC again, try to rekindle the feelings you lost, don't react based solely on your feelings, etc.

I don't presume to know how other peoples' minds work, but I know myself. When I realized the pain of staying exceeded the pain of leaving, I got my ducks in a row and separated all funds, got my name off the title of his car, got his name off the title of my car, and started tying up lose ends. 

It's ultimately up to you to decide what is best. I knew my marriage had turned into a bad joke, but I was married to an alcoholic who was getting progressively worse and he was verbally abusive and got physical with my twice. That was it for me.


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## reallyunsure (Jul 7, 2011)

Thank you so much for your advice...I am just so confused. One minute my gut tells me to work on us...the next I feel like it's time for me to start over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Since you still don't know what you want to do, I'd suggest you get into therapy ASAP. Find a good MC and go by yourself so you can sort out your own issues and get clarity on your feelings. Being conflicted can wind up giving you an ulcer! Posting on a forum is okay, but most of us can only give our unprofessional opinions or share similar experiences. Talking to someone who has training in this area would be the best route to go, JMO.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

You aren't putting 100% into your marriage so how can you know for sure if it's your husband, or you, causing the feelings you are having. Get rid of the fantasy man you have a crush on and then put 100% into your marriage. If you still want out afterwards, it is always open to you.


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