# I was the one that told him to leave...



## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

I never in a million, billion years thought I would be posting on a marriage forum, yet here I am. You can read my story in the Coping with Infidelity section. 

My H moved out today. He had an A, both EA and PA. i never knew he was unhappy. He never talked to me about it, he never made an effort to fix it either. I am almost convinced that he has depression, he is never happy with anything. Not just us, but almost anything. Nothing is ever good enough. The roller coaster got to be too much for me. I would be thinking that we are having a good day, he wasn't. I told him that he needed to go until he figures himself out. As much as it hurts to have him gone, it hurts more to have him here, but not really be here.

Our kids (5 and 4) don't know yet. What am I supposed to say? How am i supposed to tell them? They ask for him all of the time. My heart is breaking for them. They don't understand, I don't understand. 

I know this post makes no sense, I apologize. I can't concentrate on anything, my mind won't stop. I am so sad. I am so sad that this has/is happening to us, our family. I guess I just need some support right now. Nobody really knows what is happening, except my sister, but she lives in FL.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

We are here for you. I feel my stbx wife has some serious issues she needs help for and I have even mentioned/offer to set up. At times she could be great but honestly most of the time she could of careless. I had thoughts about having an affair because I felt so neglected by her. But I couldn't do it. I confessed about my thoughts and she crucified me. Had I never been neglected to the point of looking at myself in such a horrible way , this wouldn't of happened. 
Pray and take a deep breath. Maybe go see a pastor for advice.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Just tell your kids that mommy and daddy are not getting along right now and daddy is living somewhere else for a while. Be sure to emphasize three things: It is not their fault; they will be safe; you and their daddy will always love them and be their mom and dad, not matter what. At their ages, they won't be able to process much more, and they will keep asking about when they can see him, because that's what matters to them. Make sure they see their dad at least one long afternoon/evening a week--at the very least. Short meetings won't be as satisfying, so "just for dinner" should only supplement, not replace, a longer time they have alone together. Ideally, the kids stay in the house, you go somewhere, and dad comes in by mid-day (on a Sat, perhaps), feeds them, plays, hangs out, puts them to bed--and makes sure they know he'll be gone in the morning but back again next week. 

It's hard to be with someone who is always negative and refuses to get help for it. If he won't get help, there is not much more you can do. Your children need you to stay positive and happy, and maybe that can happen if you live separate from their dad; otherwise, the negative person tends to bring down the positive person. I think you must be pretty sensitive and wise to notice the impact he's had on you and your family; lots of people get sucked into it and can't seem to escape. Support him if he chooses to get help, but don't make any promises one way or another. You need time to see how you feel being a single mom, and you won't be able to tell until the initial guilt and sadness wears off. Good luck.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

Thanks Sisters...I have no intention of keeping them from him. I would never do that. He will be here as much as possible, when he is here with them, I will not be. I love him with everything that I am, it's just not enough, or too much. Hell...I don't know. What I do know is, he is not the same man I married, he is not the same man from 2 years ago for that matter. I will support him if wants to get help, I however cannot do it for him. I have gone above and beyond, but I just can't anymore. At this point he needs to want it more than I do. Oh, and I forgot to mention that we are in marriage councelling.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Can't: i understand where you are at. My wife is the one with the depression but I was the one who left. It is horrible to think what the outcome of this will be. Has the counciler told your H to got to the dr. for a full check up. Ours did but she never went. She went to the counciler once thats it. A couple months after that a friends wife thought my wife might have a thyroid problem. Wow she was right and it was proven with a blood test. That was in november. I have a dr. to treat my wife but she has yet to go. She says she does not want me to have hope. I don't have hope anymore. But she needs to be healthy. She tells her mom she hates feeling the way she does but does nothing about it. Depression is horrible for the partner because we feel it more i think. They live in there own world. What I would suggest is read Depression Fallout by Anne Sheffield you may see somethings that may help you cope. go to the website too depressionfallout.com
Good Luck


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

Thanks, Tryingtocope. I will look into the book and website.

So, lastnight he called to say goodnight to me around 10:30, he was a mess. I suprisingly held it together. I don't want him calling me unless it is about the kids and he knows this. WTF? Then at 12:30 I heard our front door opening and in H comes!!! Again, WTF??? He told me that he couldn't "handle it", he was at a hotel and he told me that he was a mess for 2 hours and he hoped that I would let him come home. What am I supposed to say/do? This is his house too. I told him that it is not helping either one of us. He told me that he won't do that again. You see, him doing that gave me a glimmer of hope. It made me think he missed me, but I think he just missed what he is used to. What a sh!tty morning. Well, at least I didn't have to explain to the kids where daddy was.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

We are telling the kids tonight. I am so scared. I'm scared that I'll lose it, I don't want to confuse them with my tears. UGH! We agreed to keep it simple. After, I plan on taking them for some pizza and bowling. 

Wish me luck!!!


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Sounds like you are doing the best you can with the hand you are dealt. Hang in there. I know what it is like to shift from hope to anger to hope then anger. It is a roller coaster rider forsure. My w has told me many times it is over but tells the kids we are just taking a break from each other. She has told the same to all our friends but added it was 100% her idea. Who is she lieing to me or everyone else. If we only has a crystal ball and could see the future we would know what to expect it would make it much easier.
Depression is a horrible thing and I think it is worse on the spouse than the sufferer.
Good Luck and enjoy the kids


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