# Just some random thoughts



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

My step-son and my daughter are both getting married later this year. I know I will see my ex at both of their weddings. I haven't seen or spoken to her for over a year. I have no desire to ever see her again at this point. 
I am over the end of my marriage. I do not begrudge the fact that she had every right to end our marriage. She came into of her own free will and she had every right to end it. I can understand there were many unresolved issues. I know I was unhappy in my marriage. I know I am free to find my own happiness now. I am no longer hindered by consideration for her. I am finding out who I am, what I want, and where I want to go with my life. None of these things are what bothers me any longer.
The main thing that bothers me is my own unresolved anger at how I was treated prior to, during and after my marriage ended. I still feel this rage at being used and then discarded once her needs were met. While we were married, I feel as though I sacrificed for a lie. I supported her based on promises that she had made but never intended to keep. I sacrificed so that she could gain her own financial independence at my expense. She paid off her car because I did without. She started a retirement plan because I went without. I funded her life, paid all of the bills, did most of the housework and tried to make life pleasant for her because she promised that I would eventually get a new car, that we would have a retirement account, that she would take on some of the bills once her car was paid off, etc etc.
During our dissolution process, the only time she ever got emotional was when I asked about her equity in her car and her retirement account. She screamed that "THERE WOULD BE NOTHING! NOTHING! BETWEEN US IF I DID THIS TO HER!" knowing full well that I still wanted to salvage our marriage while she had already made up our mind there wouldn't be anything anyways between us. In the meantime she had squandered our daughter's wedding fund on frivolous things and to pay for her girls weekend and then asked for money from me to pay for her apartment on the basis that she "had talked to her friend and if we were able to get back together after six months, she would be able to get out of the lease" again knowing that she had no intention of ever getting back together with me.
After everything was final, she more or less cut off all communication other than when she needed something, like our tax returns. In the meantime I begged her to explain herself to me, so that I could understand what happened. 
I went thru hell trying to figure out why this happened. I blamed her. I blamed myself. I came to conclusions, only to see them evaporate as some new thought came into my mind. 
I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to kill her. I wanted to kill her and the kill myself. I fell into the abyss of depression. 
My children saw all of this happen, they didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve it. All I wanted was a reason. All I ever got was excuses such as "we talked about it until we were blue in the face" but never a "I just needed to find myself" or even a "I found someone new". Nope I was blamed. 
So I still have this rage at being lied to, manipulated and stolen from. I tell myself, that she is basically stupid (which she is) shallow, selfish and/or narcissistic and that she was only acting in her own best interests and that I have no right to expect anything more from her. I tell myself that she probably isn't even aware of the pain and suffering she has caused me, my children or my family and friends because she lacks any ability to see anything other than what she wants.
Anyways, that is where I am at. Any suggestions on resolving the rage and anger would be appreciated.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I, too wrestle with this as there is the real possibility that my RSXW will presumably be present for my youngest son's college graduation in May!

And while I cannot suppress her attendance, she is certainly not welcomed to be sitting with me or my entourage for it as a 12,000+ capacity venue should have quite a few more seats other than where I choose to view it from!

I'd much rather have hemorrhoids pulled out through my oral cavity than to have to sit anywhere close to a skanky, unrepentant liar and cheater that she has so aptly proven herself to be!

And you can bet your sweet a$$ that neither she or her new squeeze is invited to the post- graduation festivities at a local restaurant! If she wants something to eat, she can have hubby haul her bones somewhere else, as there's plenty of hotels that she's, no doubt, already familiar with from prior experience!

To answer your question, @Ynot, I'd steer clear of your cheating ex, and definitely avoid all of the photo ops with her being in there with you!

Let's just say that I wouldn't give her the frost on my scrotum if I were literally chained to a block of ice!
*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Arb, to be honest I have no idea whether or not she cheated on me. I doubt it, but I really wouldn't be surprised at this point. I never would have thought she was that shallow or willing to put style over substance though, so who knows. I know I am not owed anything from anybody, but I guess I am having trouble getting past the feeling that I at least deserved (my children, family and friends deserved) some consideration and not the lying, manipulation and theft I was subjected to at the end. I would wager that she isn't even cognizant of her actions. Looking back I realize now how everything was always all about her, what she wanted, how she wanted it, when she wanted it. From vacations, to sex to everything in between.
I just want to get to a point where I can just put the anger away and feel indifference towards her.
I realize that I allowed everything that happened to me happen to me. I could have chosen to enforce a boundary at any time and I should have. It probably wouldn't have mattered either way. Had I forced an issue earlier, all of this would have come to a head earlier. I only made it worse by my own inactions and compliance. This is one of the lessons learned.
I keep telling myself, the only thing I was guilty of is was trying to be the best I knew how to be. I accept that my best wasn't good enough for her. I also accept that her best wasn't good enough for me (hence my own unhappiness). But I just get hung up on the anger over being abused and discarded at the end of it all. As I said nobody deserves to be treated like that. But then again abuse is all she ever knew. She didn't have a dad growing up. Her mom married and divorced three times. Her aunts and uncles have all been divorced at least once. It was how she was raised. 
I accept all of that, but it doesn't assuage my anger.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I've thought many times of what it will be like when my ex is walking our daughter down the aisle. Among many things I feel like our family unit has been robbed of is that feeling of love and pride many mothers have at seeing their daughter's father give her away. She's only 15, so maybe by then I'll have developed a shred of respect for him so I don't throw up.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I've thought many times of what it will be like when my ex is walking our daughter down the aisle. Among many things I feel like our family unit has been robbed of is that feeling of love and pride many mothers have at seeing their daughter's father give her away. She's only 15, so maybe by then I'll have developed a shred of respect for him so I don't throw up.


I won't even get to do that. My daughter is going to Scotland to get married. Nobody will be there. She is going to have a reception when she gets back, that is where I will see my ex (hopefully for the last time ever).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ynot, seeing her will put you in a bad place.

The only thing that helps me is that I have such a wonderful woman now, that I almost feel she did me a favor. However, I still have to deal with all her crap with my kids and see them getting more and more like her. She's making my daughter just as materialistic and snobby as she is. 

I suggest, if you haven't already, looking for a special person that occupies your thoughts completely. 
That person is out there, and I think you have to look for them. It's not always "they'll just show up one day" like people say.

This ex of yours will never be happy. Take solace in that. She may look happy, but people that do what you describe, seldom are. 

I would sit as far from her as possible, and just steel yourself to the fact that she's going to purposefully steal the show with your kids and occupy all their time, just to act like this doding mother, and to leave you little time to spend with them.

I saw my friend's wife do the kind of stuff your wife did. She had him consign for a house in the city, just to use his credit and force him to make payments. He never spent the night in the house he was paying notes on. And she did this KNOWING she was divorcing him.
Now she's abandoned her three girls while she attends law school, supposedly.

You will get through it. It probably will be no fun thanks to her.
But there's a small possibility it may not bother you much at all. You may just have a totally great time with your kids, and forget all about her on e you're there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ynot said:


> I won't even get to do that. My daughter is going to Scotland to get married. Nobody will be there. She is going to have a reception when she gets back, that is where I will see my ex *(hopefully for the last time ever).*


Or until your first grandchild's first birthday.......


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Since I have to see and talk to my ex fairly regularly in order to co-parent our son, I don't have that dread of seeing him again after a long period of no contact. I dread it just a little bit every day.

Believe me, I know how strong that desire to finally let go of the rage can be. Some days, I think I'm almost there, and then I have a setback like yesterday, and it comes screaming back.

My sister-in-law (I guess she is my ex-SIL now) is getting married later this year. She has been like the sister I never had and we remain very close. She has told me she very much wants for me and my son, her only nephew, to be there, and that she is willing to not invite her brother if that will make things more comfortable for me. I told her that I very much appreciate that, but that if she wants him to be there, too, she doesn't have to do that - I can handle it. But I dread it (if he does come). He may bring the POSOW, even - yes, he would be that selfish if she made a big stink about being left out. But I think it will be awkward, either way. His family knows what he did and that he lied to them initially about her - they are not on his side.

Then there will be my son's Moving On ceremony (from 8th grade to high school) next year, and Graduation, and someday, maybe a wedding and grandkids. As STR said, he and she have robbed my son and me of being able to enjoy those milestones together as a family. When I get thinking about that too much, I can almost feel my blood boil, and I can get to thinking some very terrible thoughts if I let myself.

What helps me when I have these setbacks is to stop and consider how far I've come in one year's time. How I started out feeling like I couldn't breathe, and like I was lost at sea in a tiny boat, battling epic waves and storms. I neither slept nor ate, really, for weeks. Time went on, and I was able to get to sleep again without ZzzQuil, then, stay asleep for more than a few hours. Then, my appetite slowly started coming back and people stopped telling me they were worried about me because I looked so "gaunt." (Now, it's back in such full force that I'm having to watch what I eat, so I don't gain 30 of the 35 pounds I lost back again.) Finally - and here's one I thought I'd never get back - I can enjoy listening to music - even my favorite old love songs - again. I realize now that the love songs were never about the man he really is - they were about the man I hoped he was.

You've said you've grown and changed a lot in the last year and are finding out who you are now - focus on that. You can't make that anger go away - only time can do that. But you can keep it at bay by focusing on the progress you've made and realizing that she can't hurt you any more than she already has - you have already survived the worst of it, so she has no power to be able to hurt you any further.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

IMO you go looking your best and stay clear of her as much as possible.

Accept you will never get any clear answers. Many do not. Look forward to the rest of your life and not backwards. 

In the future take care of yourself. You bare the responsibility of taking care of yourself not everyone else. In the end as you've found out no one cares. 

A good life lesson here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Great post beans
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Ynot you are trying to understand someone who lives life on another frequency than you, your expectation of answers come from your perspective of what's right or wrong, hers is different. You will only continue to wallow in misery if you keep expecting anything from the ex. The person you fell in love with is long gone, maybe never truly existed as you thought, the woman who has taken her place is no one you like or respect.

That's how I got over my ex, I stopped thinking of what if or what happened or what now, I look at my ex as the person she is today and think, yuk, nobody I would want in my life.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

It's like anything else you dread. The fear and anticipation is worse than the actual event.

I still harbour intense anger at my ex for how I was used throughout the whole marriage and especially at the breakup. I act civil whenever we exchange the kids.

You could look into some counselling too, get some anger management tips. Do you have trouble dealing with anger in other aspects of your life? Road rage? Annoying customers/clients? What do you do to handle those?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

My kids are old enough to arrange their own visitations with my ex. So, I don't have to talk to her very often. Still, I empathize with your anger. I also don't like the fact I supported my ex catered to her needs at the expense of my own. 

I don't need or expect any resolution from her. I divorced her, and those problems are of the past. I can look back and say that although I wan't perfect. I was a pretty damn good husband. She took advantage of that. And now I'm in a new chapter of my life.

That new chapter is looking pretty good. I've lost weight, I'm more active. I've regained my confidence. And, I have resolved one thing. I'll never get back together with her. It would be a huge setback for me. In many ways I now pity her. She gave up a pretty good life to go chase butterflies. 

I don't dread seeing her anymore. I've set good boundaries. If she tries steering the conversation into anything other than polite formalities, or our children I firmly tell her those topics are off limits. The past is the past, it can stay there. My finances, love life and feelings are my own business and I'll only talk about those things with close friends and family, which she is neither. I don't shake her hand, we don't hug and we don't sit together. 

Good boundaries will get you far. Figure out what your's need to be and start enforcing them. You don't need to announce them. Just be mindful of conversations, and deliberate in your words and actions.


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