# Found out dad is seeing prostitutes :(



## taylor series

I recently found out my dad has been seeing prostitutes. I was not snooping when I discovered this; he asked me to fix a problem on his cell phone, and the evidence (with pictures) came up on screen in the course of investigating the problem.

My parents have been married almost 30 years. I never, ever would have guessed my dad would do something like this; he's always been the family's straight shooting, ethics-by-the-book guy, sometimes almost to a fault. I wouldn't believe it except for the evidence I saw.

I have indisputable evidence (photos) that he was seeing an "escort" (don't you love the euphemism?) within the past two weeks, and strong circumstantial evidence (web history of viewing listings on "escort" sites, phone calls to the numbers on those listings matching up to when he's out of town on business, or when he's been at home alone) that this has been going on consistently, for quite a while. At least a dozen different "escorts" within the last 6 months. I stopped checking after that many because I felt sick.

My initial discovery was pure chance. After that, in anger, I did look at his web history. I value privacy and I hate the idea of snooping, but I almost was hoping to find that it was a one-time thing. Instead, I found this long history of looking at all these "escort" listings. So that is when I checked his phone calls, and all the numbers matched up. I feel really bad about snooping on him, but I also feel angry.

My dad doesn't know that I know. I haven't talked to anyone about it. I can't talk to any of my close friends about it, or to my significant other, because they are close to my parents and see them all the time. It would be too weird to have them know. So basically I have nobody to talk to, and no idea what to do.

My first impulse was to not say anything, like maybe it's not my business. I kind of felt it would be betraying my dad to tell. I look(ed?) up to my dad a lot. But then I also feel like I'm betraying my mom by not telling her. Then, when I found out it was lots of different "escorts", I thought: what about STDs? Do I have a responsibility to tell?

The other thing is that my dad does nothing to hide his tracks. He doesn't clear his browsing history; just typing a few letters in the address bar makes the escort sites come up on autocomplete. It would be so easy for my mom to discover this by accident. He even has one of the escorts in his cell phone contacts, listed as the trashy fake name she uses (seems like he's seen her multiple times). The only reason my mom hasn't found out about this is she trusts him completely and would never think to check his history or calls and such.

If she eventually finds out, and finds out that I knew, I think she would feel foolish and maybe resent that I didn't tell her when I found out.

I think finding this out would destroy my mom. She's so sweet and caring, she gives so much to the family and doesn't get that much in return from my dad. I think it would destroy my family. Also, my dad has a high-profile, respected job and if this gets out he could conceivably lose it. I really don't know what to do.

Thanks so much for reading, and letting me get this off my chest. I've felt sick since this happened, and just typing it all out helps a little.


----------



## tacoma

That`s very heavy Taylor, I really have no advice.

The most I would do personally was speak with my dad..maybe.

Does the evidence you`ve seen confirm an actual transaction and liaison with an escort/s?
Maybe he was just fishing, maybe it`s his version of porn.

You have indisputable evidence he did this?


----------



## taylor series

tacoma said:


> Maybe he was just fishing, maybe it`s his version of porn.
> 
> You have indisputable evidence he did this?


I wish that was it. It definitely happened. Indisputable evidence of the most recent one; pictures (wish I could erase that from my mind). As I said, strong circumstantial evidence of all the rest. Multiple phone calls, at the appropriate dates and times. And sometimes he will come back really late from a business trip that should have concluded hours quicker.

Also, I have heard my parents talking about cash withdrawals not adding up. No-one considered it suspicious. Never clicked before.


----------



## ing

You may have stumbled on a "relationship agreement" between your mom and Dad. She may already know. So be a little bit careful. It is a very,very hard place for you to be!
I think I would have a quiet word with my Dad. "Does mom know about this?" You may find the answer is "yes" VERY embarrassing for both of you!


----------



## taylor series

ing said:


> You may have stumbled on a "relationship agreement" between your mom and Dad. She may already know. So be a little bit careful. It is a very,very hard place for you to be!
> I think I would have a quiet word with my Dad. "Does mom know about this?" You may find the answer is "yes" VERY embarrassing for both of you!


This didn't occur to me. I would be shocked if this was the case, knowing my mom. I could maybe picture an agreement about secretly dating on the side or something, if they were having trouble and wanted to hide it from the kids. But I just can't see her being OK with anything this seedy (paying for sex, etc). I really can't.

Also, my dad has an anger problem and is sometimes really mean to my mom and the kids. Never physical abuse, but says really gut-wrenchingly mean things when he's angry. And whenever I try to confront him or protect my mom, she always defends him and says that's just how he is, he doesn't mean it, he's a good man at heart, etc. I don't know how to reconcile that with her being aware of this...

But I guess if I'm learning anything, it's that people can really surprise you, so I can't rule it out.

Is that kind of thing common?


----------



## morituri

ing said:


> You may have stumbled on a "relationship agreement" between your mom and Dad. She may already know. So be a little bit careful. It is a very,very hard place for you to be!
> I think I would have a quiet word with my Dad. "Does mom know about this?" You may find the answer is "yes" VERY embarrassing for both of you!


Agreed.

'Open marriages' are very much still around and many are from traditional and conservative folks who would be the last people on Earth that you would suspect, considering that they are viewed as traditionalist.

Of course its all speculation but it is a possibility nonetheless.


----------



## ing

taylor series said:


> Is that kind of thing common?


Well. If you think about it.. Prostitution has zero emotional investment 
It isn't even really an open relationship. 
There is no chance of anyone falling in love with the other person so it isn't really dating. 

As much as I hate to go there, perhaps the physical side of the relationship is over and they just love each other .. This of course is all speculation. But do consider that is may be a solution to a very private problem.


----------



## 52flower

It's only my experience and may be a rare exception but my exH "fell in love" with his "paid service provider", moved out, and has been with her for 2 years. I did not know about her background until long after he moved out. If your mom does not know, it is the same potential health risk I was subjected to and very unfair for you mother. I know I am feel strongly about this issue but I felt so violated & helpless, finding out after the fact. I'm sorry you are caught in the middle of an uncomfortable situation.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best

i know i felt bad when at least 2 of my daughters knew my ex was seeing someone else and chose not to tell me at the time and felt some resentment towards them and was very pissed of at them for not telling me although i did already know. it was just the fact it was like them choosing her with her cheating over me. but i did realize later they did not really choose sides, they just didnt want to get involved in what could have become a lot more messy than it did. i still do wish they had chosen to tell me though.

also it could be as others had mentioned, an arrangement between your parents to relieve a non sexual marriage, especially if it was your mother that chose to stop the sex. still doesnt make it right at all.


----------



## taylor series

Thinking back, I remember about a week and a half ago (before I found out) my dad went on a business trip an hour away. It was supposed to be over at 9 but he didn't get back til after midnight; 2 hours unaccounted for. I stayed up with my mom and she said, "hmm, Dad's thing is running late, huh? I hope he's OK". She was genuinely concerned.

And there have been previous situations like that within the last couple years, where my dad has been out way later than makes sense. I remember one time last year, she asked if I thought we should call the cops in case something happened; she was beside herself 'cause she thought he got in a car accident or something. I told her I'm sure he's fine, probably just running late (just wanted to comfort her, but now I'm kicking myself). He got in at 1am and said sorry, it ran late. And he was angry and defensive when she told him how worried she had been.

Wow. Yup, I just checked the dates, and the date of that work event where he came back at 1am lines up with calls to an "escort" styling herself "sTaCeY" he made that day (2 calls in the afternoon, then 1 call shortly after the event would have ended). And the city listed on her sketchy escort page with barely censored naked pictures matches the city my dad was going to for work.

Stuff like that makes me think my mom isn't in on it. Otherwise why would she have been worried and said those things to me?

Also, looking at these escorts' website listings, most are saying they're 21/22 years old. Some of them are clearly lying, but the others definitely look that young. That's younger than me. Ugh. I doubt my mom would be OK with that.



Thanks everyone for your input. I am having a very tough time trying to decide what to do, and in the meantime it's terrible spending time with my mom and having to pretend like everything's normal.


----------



## Saffron

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, it's such a horrible situation in more ways than one.

First off, I'd make hard copies and doubles of everything you've discovered. If you decide to confront your Dad and he chooses not to tell your Mom, he may cover his tracks. 

Now, who to confront first.... at first I thought your Dad, but now I'm thinking your Mom. It really is an impossible choice.

My main concern is that you don't get caught in the middle, but sadly your Dad has made that almost impossible. He never should've let you take his phone knowing all his liasons were on there... with pictures no less! Even if it's an agreement with your mother, he was being careless and thoughtless to save such documentation.

If it's not an arrangement and you confront your Dad, he may deny the extent of his liasons and tell your Mom a watered down version. He may continue his behavior, but be more careful to hide it.

So, I'm acutally leaning towards telling your Mom first. Let her see the mildest of the evidence and tell her there's more, but worse. Ask if she already knows or wants to know. Then, she can decide if she wants to confront him, she may want your support and do it together. If it's an arrangement, then make sure your Dad is still within the boundaries of that agreement.

Your Dad may be angry with you for going to her first, but why should he be angry when the end result would and should be the same.... your Mom knowing the truth. She deserves full disclosure, then she can make an informed decision.

Good luck, it's awful what your Dad is doing to your Mom (if she doesn't know), but just as bad that he's put you in this situation. Do what's best for your Mom and if he doesn't like it, too bad.


----------



## Wrench

Protect your mom, but give him the chance to come clean with her first. Save your evidence, she'll need it. Sorry to hear about it


----------



## taylor series

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i know i felt bad when at least 2 of my daughters knew my ex was seeing someone else and chose not to tell me at the time and felt some resentment towards them and was very pissed of at them for not telling me although i did already know. it was just the fact it was like them choosing her with her cheating over me. but i did realize later they did not really choose sides, they just didnt want to get involved in what could have become a lot more messy than it did. i still do wish they had chosen to tell me though.


Thanks for sharing this. I don't know if this will give any insight into you daughters' choice, but being in this position is terrifying. Part of the reason I haven't said anything is that I don't know if I can summon the courage to talk to her, when I feel that the revelation could devastate my mom, my family, and our lives as we know them.

So it's not just about not wanting to get involved; it's also scary and miserable as hell, and maybe I'm not brave enough at this moment to make a move that would set big changes in motion. If your daughters are anything like me, they never meant to hurt or betray you, but felt paralyzed by the situation. And if they're like me, they sure felt guilty about it.



Saffron said:


> First off, I'd make hard copies and doubles of everything you've discovered. If you decide to confront your Dad and he chooses not to tell your Mom, he may cover his tracks.


Done. That was the first thing I did.



Saffron said:


> Now, who to confront first.... at first I thought your Dad, but now I'm thinking your Mom. It really is an impossible choice.
> 
> My main concern is that you don't get caught in the middle, but sadly your Dad has made that almost impossible. He never should've let you take his phone knowing all his liasons were on there... with pictures no less! Even if it's an agreement with your mother, he was being careless and thoughtless to save such documentation.
> 
> If it's not an arrangement and you confront your Dad, he may deny the extent of his liasons and tell your Mom a watered down version. He may continue his behavior, but be more careful to hide it.
> 
> So, I'm acutally leaning towards telling your Mom first. Let her see the mildest of the evidence and tell her there's more, but worse. Ask if she already knows or wants to know. Then, she can decide if she wants to confront him, she may want your support and do it together. If it's an arrangement, then make sure your Dad is still within the boundaries of that agreement.
> 
> Your Dad may be angry with you for going to her first, but why should he be angry when the end result would and should be the same.... your Mom knowing the truth. She deserves full disclosure, then she can make an informed decision.


It does feel like an impossible choice. The thought of talking to either of my parents about it makes me physically sick.

I think it would be easier for me to talk to my dad than my mom, but that doesn't mean it's the right way to go. If he tells me that my mom knows about it and is OK with it, I don't know if I would believe him. (Funny; before this whole thing, my dad's word was gold to me, and I would never have doubted anything he said.)

My mom has a rewarding but very stressful job (that she loves), and she is in the middle of a project that she's working on 24x7 and which will take her out of the country within the next month. She's battled depression in the past. I have a feeling that if I told her now (assuming it's not some arrangement they have and she didn't know) it would totally kill her ability to function, and she wouldn't be able to continue with her job for some time.

It's happened on a smaller scale before. Once she nearly got sued for breach of contract when she was simply unable to complete a job commitment due to depression. That was years ago and she's doing so much better in every way now, but I'm afraid this could bring it all back, and much worse.

So I am seriously afraid of talking to her about it. And same goes for talking to my dad, because that would lead to her finding out (you guys have suggested I ask him to come clean to her). I have no goddamn clue what to do. I feel paralyzed.


----------



## Mom6547

taylor_series

Lest you think to do nothing, I have something to say. A. Saying nothing is not good for YOU. You will have to carry around this secret in your heart, and it will eat you alive.

Your Mom is at risk. Not only is it wildly unfair for her to suffer the worry, as she has been doing, he is putting her at risk for STDs. He cannot have protected sex with Mom without tipping his hand. So he likely continues to have sex with your mother without protection, thus exposing her to risk she never signed up for.

I hope you chose to speak to him. Do not tattle to Mom. That would be hard for her to deal with as well.


----------



## Saffron

You're right to worry about your Mom's frame of mind after finding out, it is emotionally incapacitating.

From what you've revealed, it sounds like it would be better to confront your Dad first. However read up on the threads about typical reactions from disloyals when they're outed. I'm guessing he'll deny, lie, or gaslight around the truth. However, one can hope that when his own child confronts him, he'll come clean.

There will never be a good time to tell your Mom. When she does find out, it's possible she'll feel foolish for being in the dark for so long. She's not foolish, she's just trusting. No matter when, it will hurt.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach

time for staged conversations with mom... Best you get a better picture of what is happening, best way to do that is get a read on mom...

"Mom, I need your advice on something... I have a good friend I work with (or whatever)... she asked me what I thought... Her husband is _________________________. What do you think?"

or simple make up any scenario that broaches "open marriage, cheating, prositutes, strip bars, affairs, etc.." see if u can get a read on her... See if she squirms.

If it was me in this situation, I need more information before I can decide what to do...


----------



## PBear

If it was me, I'd go to your dad and tell him what you found. Let it be HIS responsibility to deal with your mom about it. He can take responsibility to tell her at the right time, as well. But he has to tell her, or you will. And if you tell her, she'll also know that you told your dad to own up to it first and he refused to do that. He owes it to both of you to deal with it himself.

After he tells your mom, confirm with her that he's told everything that you're aware of (so he doesn't just tell you that he's talked to her, or told her some made up story). Then leave it alone for the two of them to work out. 

And never offer to look at someone else's phone ever again!  I had to help my dad clean out his browser history one time, and I learned way to much about him that day. But they (my parents) shared the computer, so she would have seen all the same stuff anyway. Still... Some things kids aren't meant to know about their parents, right? 

BTW, how old are you? Do you have someone you can talk to about this, in real life?

C


----------



## taylor series

PBear said:


> BTW, how old are you? Do you have someone you can talk to about this, in real life?


I'm 23. In general I have a good support network, but (I mentioned this in my original post) my close friends and significant other are all close to my parents as well. My best friend and I have known each other since we were 2 years old. Our families are good friends, and she often calls my mom or dad just to say hi. The families eat dinner at each others' houses regularly. Same story, more or less, with my significant other.

So I feel like I can't confide in them about this. It would be such a burden for them to have to act normal around my parents, especially my mom. I feel like it would just slip out, or my mom would notice my friends acting weird or upset.

It's already causing friction between my significant other and me; they can tell something is wrong and I'm terribly upset, but I can't tell them why. I haven't been able to be physically intimate with them (I just feel a knot in my stomach all the time), have a hard time even kissing them, though I try. None of this is at all their fault, obviously. It's normally so easy for me to show my love and exuberance in our relationship, but right now I just can't even fake it.

This is understandably upsetting my significant other, and we've had some pointless arguments that are just really due to the stress. So this thing is starting to affect my relationship too. I feel like I can't tell anyone. This forum, so far, is my only outlet. And it is a relief to be able to share with you all, and to know that I'm not alone.

But while I'm gathering more information, and trying to make the decision what to do, what should I tell the people around me? They can tell something's wrong. It's increasingly impossible for me to hide it.


----------



## PBear

Well, depending on how your relationship is with your SO, that's where I'd start (in terms of telling someone). I probably would stop there, though, and ask them to keep it between the two of you. And typically, if they're your SO, they can be trusted to keep things between the two of you. And, obviously, they're the ones paying the biggest price for you keeping this secret. If you don't explain why, they may start to think something else is wrong, like you're seeing someone else on the side or whatever.

C


----------



## Chrome

I am sorry about this situation, it is deplorable and selfish, but human as well. 
A lot of times when a person does the things that your father has done, they have formed an addiction and it is sad. 
My father also crushed my image of him and my mother left him due to his actions (they as well were of sexual nature). He got help and gained hers and our trust back, because in his words "his family was worth the fight" he endured shame and his pride was destroyed. But in the end (he died last year from cancer) he was loved by all. 
If I was one to give any advice worth my salt it would be first find a spot very quiet and ask the question out loud that is in your heart. Second when the answer comes you will feel it in your gut, it may make you sick but it is the rite thing to do. 

But for sure give him a chance to man up to his mistakes if you still respect him even a little, give him this chance.
Also give your mother a chance to deal with this in her way, and when it comes out..stand strong and be there for support even if support comes from holding your tongue (trust me it is very hard to do).

In the end things may pan out the way you imagine them to..but once in a while people will surprise you, But you must give them that chance. I hope this helps


----------



## taylor series

mommy22 said:


> This may sound underhanded but I'm not sure what I'd do in the situation either--- but... before confronting him, could you take the SIM card out of his phone as proof?


As luck would have it, my current job involves writing apps for smartphones of the very sort my dad has. I know the system inside and out, so it was very easy for me to grab the call logs and data for safekeeping, without leaving any trace that I was there.



Chrome said:


> My father also crushed my image of him and my mother left him due to his actions (they as well were of sexual nature). He got help and gained hers and our trust back, because in his words "his family was worth the fight" he endured shame and his pride was destroyed. But in the end (he died last year from cancer) he was loved by all.
> If I was one to give any advice worth my salt it would be first find a spot very quiet and ask the question out loud that is in your heart. Second when the answer comes you will feel it in your gut, it may make you sick but it is the rite thing to do.
> 
> But for sure give him a chance to man up to his mistakes if you still respect him even a little, give him this chance.
> Also give your mother a chance to deal with this in her way, and when it comes out..stand strong and be there for support even if support comes from holding your tongue (trust me it is very hard to do).


So sorry to hear about your loss. I do still respect and love my dad. It's hard to respect him quite as much as I did. I guess I should remind myself that he had a traumatic childhood, he has otherwise shown good character many times in his life, and he's just human. I still feel really angry though.

Driving to work today I tried to rehearse out loud having a conversation with my dad. I couldn't even say the words alone in the car without feeling like I was going to vomit. Is this an overreaction?

I thought about the possibility of confronting my dad, and telling him he has to put a stop to the cheating, or I tell mom. Is that an option? Maybe I could get him to correct his behavior without having to drag my mom through this heartbreak. Does that make sense? Or does she have a right to know even if he's stopped?

Of course all this is assuming she's not already aware and tolerating it, as others have suggested. I appreciate the suggestion to use the "my friend has this problem..." approach to feel her out, but I know my mom would see through that in a second, and ask me what's really going on. She's very perceptive, at least with me. We usually talk about everything. I'm closer to her than to my dad. Is there any other way I could tell if there's some "arrangement" here?


----------



## WhereAmI

taylor series said:


> I thought about the possibility of confronting my dad, and telling him he has to put a stop to the cheating, or I tell mom. Is that an option? Maybe I could get him to correct his behavior without having to drag my mom through this heartbreak. Does that make sense? Or does she have a right to know even if he's stopped?


She has a right to know and you'll never know if he's stopped or just figured out a better way to hide it. 

I'm putting myself in your shoes and it would absolutely break my heart to tell my mother, but I would. I would write her a letter and give it to her in person. I would tell her that it says something very difficult and that she needn't talk to me about the contents if it made her uncomfortable. I'd let her know I'd be there for her if she ever wanted to talk. I'd provide her with her favorite chocolate and a card telling her what a fabulous mother she is and how lucky I am to have her, as well. I'd leave so she could read it and breakdown, scream, or throw things without worrying about me seeing. I'm nearly in tears just imagining it. 

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Please tell her, though. You don't want to walk around with this secret forever. If he did it to your mother again and she found out you two had an agreement, it would break her heart into a million more pieces than the infidelity alone.


----------



## KathyGriffinFan

OMGosh, what a terribly difficult situation.

I would also worry about mom catching a STD. Wonder if him sleeping w/paid escorts is a new thing or something continued for many years.


----------



## ing

taylor series said:


> It's already causing friction between my significant other and me; they can tell something is wrong and I'm terribly upset,


Tell your SO. This is important. You are carrying a huge burden. Your SO needs to know what is wrong.


----------



## taylor series

My significant other is terrible at keeping secrets of this nature. They know and would admit this. Their face would betray it the next time they saw my mom.

So, we just had a talk. I told them: "I'm sorry I've been stressed out and distant these last few days. There's a problem between my mom and my dad. I wish I could talk to you about it, but it's a family problem that needs to stay between me and my parents. It's nothing to do with you or us. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about it sooner; I thought I could hide that it was making me upset, but I can't."

The response was, "that's all you needed to say". And a hug.  Didn't press me for details; told me they are there to talk to if I need it. I guess they're kind of used to it, because my dad has emotionally abused my mom and the kids in the past, and it always stressed me out. So they probably think it's just another huge fight. Anyway, it's a huge relief to have that kind of unconditional support.

Now I just have to figure out wtf I am going to do next.


----------



## PBear

Great job in handling that! Good luck with the rest of the mess...

C


----------



## Currant

Your mom seems really devoted to your dad, do you think she would believe you if you said anything?
WhereIAm said the same thing I was thinking- letter to your mom. I was wondering if you could wait until after her trip, but then the secret would just eat you alive.
Sorry you're going through this and I hope you will find peace soon.


----------



## Lazarus

You have been very wise and mature seeking advice to this difficult situation. 

A lot of people have given good advice here. I would like to suggest that you give some consideration to this idea. Take your print out of evidence to your mom's doctor and explain your terrible predicament. Also explain that your mom could be sued if she fails work deadlines. Given her past history of depression, cancer and your father's sexual past, ask your mom's GP how can they best protect your mom and seek counsel on how to decide on the most appropriate timing given the potential for her being sued for failing to meet work deadlines. 

It may be that your mom and dad have the same doctor; this might prove to be an advantage. 

What you can't do is add further stress to your mom during a contract but, you can protect her sexual health by involving her doctor. It also introduces a situation where there is a neutral third party.

Timing is important. It maybe the doctor could come up with an idea to check your mom without necesssarily outing the situation initially until your mom has finished her contract?

As someone else wrote, if friends or family knew about a DS but didn't say, it can cause resentment towards those who made the choice not to tell.

The responsible thing is to make sure your mom is not at risk of a sexually transmitted disease that could kill her. You would never forgive yourself if anything happened to her. 

Your father on the other hand is being totally reckless, especially if there is no agreement for an "open" marriage. I would mention this to the doctor as a potential situation but, one you think might be unlikely. Again, as suggested, you could test the water on mom's views about open marriages. She might say that's what she has, then again she might be appalled at the thought and counsel you against it!!!


----------



## taylor series

KathyGriffinFan said:


> I would also worry about mom catching a STD. Wonder if him sleeping w/paid escorts is a new thing or something continued for many years.


I wondered this too. Maybe his anger and emotional abuse all these years have been his way of dealing with this or covering it up? If I find out he was doing this stuff when I was a little kid... ugh. I love my dad, but I could slap him in the face.



Currant said:


> Your mom seems really devoted to your dad, do you think she would believe you if you said anything?
> WhereIAm said the same thing I was thinking- letter to your mom. I was wondering if you could wait until after her trip, but then the secret would just eat you alive.
> Sorry you're going through this and I hope you will find peace soon.


She would believe me. She knows I would never make up this kind of thing. She defends my dad a lot, but she's not stupid. Besides, I have proof.



Lazarus said:


> Take your print out of evidence to your mom's doctor and explain your terrible predicament. Also explain that your mom could be sued if she fails work deadlines. Given her past history of depression, cancer and your father's sexual past, ask your mom's GP how can they best protect your mom and seek counsel on how to decide on the most appropriate timing given the potential for her being sued for failing to meet work deadlines.
> 
> It may be that your mom and dad have the same doctor; this might prove to be an advantage.
> 
> What you can't do is add further stress to your mom during a contract but, you can protect her sexual health by involving her doctor. It also introduces a situation where there is a neutral third party.
> 
> Timing is important. It maybe the doctor could come up with an idea to check your mom without necesssarily outing the situation initially until your mom has finished her contract?


I didn't say anything about cancer. 

The whole family goes to the same doctor. She's an OK practitioner, but she's really cold emotionally and kind of mean sometimes (once criticized my mom for letting her depression take over, without lending any comfort). We've been talking about switching to another doctor for that reason. So I don't think I want to talk to her about it. She's the kind of doctor who would shrug off privacy rules. I _definitely_ don't want her to be the one to break the news; my mom kinda hates her.



Lazarus said:


> Again, as suggested, you could test the water on mom's views about open marriages. She might say that's what she has, then again she might be appalled at the thought and counsel you against it!!!


It would be impossible for me to "test the waters" with my mom about this, without her being tipped off that something is going on. We don't talk about that kind of stuff, and if I just asked her out of the blue I think she would get the truth out of me. It's hard enough to hide it now. We went out to lunch yesterday and I did OK, but it was so hard to be normal. I wish there was some other way of finding out if this is an agreement.

I'm beginning to see that I'm going to have to confront someone. Probably my dad. The thought of this terrifies and physically sickens me (almost threw up thinking about it).

I have a problem with avoiding difficult situations that I'm trying to work on. This is triggering my "avoid, run away" instinct like crazy. I just don't want to set things in motion. I love my family, my house, my friends, the status quo (as I knew it). The thought of starting a chain reaction that could tear it all apart... 

I know I have to do it. It will just be very difficult. Maybe I can wait until my mom gets back from her work trip? That way she won't be faced with going on a long stressful trip in the wake of finding out. That would be about 3 weeks from now. I think I could live with the secret if I know there's an expiration date. Is it OK to keep her in the dark that long?


----------



## PHTlump

I think you need to tell your mom.

First, she deserves to know. So, I don't think you and your dad agreeing to keep it from her is fair.

Second, if your dad knows first, he can take steps to hide his activities. Sure, you know about some things. But he may have done more. If your dad sees things going south, he can scrub his computer, shred receipts, talk to other people for alibis, etc. If your mom knows first, she can put a keylogger on his computer. She can put a voice recorder and/or GPS tracker in his car. She can install spy software on his phone. If she decides to head for divorce, she will want all the evidence she can get.


----------



## taylor series

PHTlump said:


> If your mom knows first, she can put a keylogger on his computer. She can put a voice recorder and/or GPS tracker in his car. She can install spy software on his phone. If she decides to head for divorce, she will want all the evidence she can get.


My mom wouldn't go for any of that secret detective stuff. The first thing she would do (after the initial shock) is confront my dad. I know her, and it would all be out in the open.

Today my dad surprised the family with a lavishly prepared home cooked meal, and hot chocolate afterward, and was super nice to my mom and me. What the hell? He does these really nice gestures from time to time. And other times, he can be incredibly mean. I sat awkwardly through the meal, not knowing what to feel. It almost makes me feel sorry for him, like he feels bad and this is what he does to try to make it up to his family in his own mind? I don't know how to react to it. Very confused.


----------



## PHTlump

taylor series said:


> My mom wouldn't go for any of that secret detective stuff. The first thing she would do (after the initial shock) is confront my dad. I know her, and it would all be out in the open.


You really can't predict how someone will react to a betrayal like this. She may want to confront him. She may want to ignore it. She may decide that she wants to delay anything until she considers her options. She may want to know as much as she can (which means investigation).

If she knows first, she has all the options available to her for how she decides to proceed. If you confront your dad first, some of her options (like investigating further) will not be available to her.


----------



## taylor series

PHTlump said:


> You really can't predict how someone will react to a betrayal like this. She may want to confront him. She may want to ignore it. She may decide that she wants to delay anything until she considers her options. She may want to know as much as she can (which means investigation).
> 
> If she knows first, she has all the options available to her for how she decides to proceed. If you confront your dad first, some of her options (like investigating further) will not be available to her.


I hadn't thought of it like that. Of course, this doesn't give my dad the chance to tell her himself, as others have suggested might be best. And I'm afraid she would shoot the messenger, so to speak. Not intentionally, of course, but I would hate for it to harm our relationship because she might associate me with this thing because I was the one to tell her.


----------



## FieryHairedLady

Mom definately deserves to know.


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage

Some random thoughts:
1. If mom and dad are "discussing" where money is missing from the ATM, this is more evidence that doesn't look good for the open marriage theory. 

2. Mom needs to be checked for HIV/other STDs stat, but Dad could still infect her afterwards if he continues his shenanigans. Awkward question: was dad wearing protection in the picture?

3. You are so incredibly mentally present. I just want to say how thoughtful you are of all of this, and how carefully you are considering all the possible implications. I am just in awe. So many people have foot-in-mouth syndrome. A 30 year marriage is nothing to cough at, and exposure of this discovery could very well change or end the marriage. It is very hard for a 50-something or older woman to start her life anew, but if the facts of her life lead her to that choice, it can be done. It must be her choice, and she cannot make a choice (or know she may want to) if she does not have the truth. Suppose she has put up with his verbal/emotional abuse all this time, consoling herself that at least he is faithful to her?

4. If and when you decide to share this with mom or dad, be ready for fallout. What if dad threatens you or her or himself if you tell? What if he decides to up and leave her? Don't know if it's likely or not, but something to think about. I would look into mental health resources in your area, and find your mom a counselor that comes recommended (maybe call the ER and ask their psych social worker to give you a call, so they can give you some referrals?) so that she immediately has support for depression (--not just a psychiatrist, but a counselor as well.) I would actually go to this counselor myself, explain what you are dealing with, get their take on it, and determine for yourself if you feel they are competent to give your mom the support she will need, or if you should keep looking. 

5. You may want to contact a member on here called Affaircare. They are very knowledgeable and will likely give you some good advice.

6. Please remember that if this is what it looks like, Dad has made some choices that were outside your and your mom's control, yet which have profoundly affected your lives. Is there any chance at all, that Dad WANTED you to find any of that stuff? Some people, when they consciously or subconsciously want out, sabotage the marriage by "accidentally" getting caught. It is a coward's way of doing things, especially if he was hoping for you to tell her. You say you are the tech guru--does he often have you work on his phone? Is there anything odd about this to you, or not?


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage

Spousal e-mail hacking case stirs up controversy in county - theoaklandpress.com

Read the above article. Follow the link in the story for the original scenario as well. Dad asked you to go on his computer/phone, correct? Don't know if it would be a problem or not. Wishing you luck and peace.


----------



## taylor series

Update: it's looking bad.

My dad said he had a work event in another city, and was gone for 8 hours. He came back late at night. While he was gone I checked with his employer, and there was definitely no such work event. According to his web browsing history, he was looking up escort listings in two different cities around the state before he left.

When he came home late at night, my mom and I were still up, in different rooms. I heard her ask, "how'd the workshop go?" He replied, "oh, it went alright. ran on too long."  There was no f***ing workshop. So I'm now certain my mom doesn't know what's going on.

In other news, I've found hard evidence (written communication with an escort agency) that this was going on at least as far back as 1997. I don't know if it has been continuous, or if he stopped since the 90s and started again sometime since. No idea if she ever found out that it was happening back then. My hunch is no.

I was 10 years old in 1997. 



uhaul4mybaggage said:


> 2. Mom needs to be checked for HIV/other STDs stat, but Dad could still infect her afterwards if he continues his shenanigans. Awkward question: was dad wearing protection in the picture?


Can't really tell due to the nature of the picture.



uhaul4mybaggage said:


> 5. You may want to contact a member on here called Affaircare. They are very knowledgeable and will likely give you some good advice.


Thanks for the tip. How do I contact this person?



uhaul4mybaggage said:


> 6. Please remember that if this is what it looks like, Dad has made some choices that were outside your and your mom's control, yet which have profoundly affected your lives. Is there any chance at all, that Dad WANTED you to find any of that stuff? Some people, when they consciously or subconsciously want out, sabotage the marriage by "accidentally" getting caught. It is a coward's way of doing things, especially if he was hoping for you to tell her. You say you are the tech guru--does he often have you work on his phone? Is there anything odd about this to you, or not?


Honestly, I think he just sucks at covering his tracks. He asks me to fix his computer/phone/whatever all the time.



uhaul4mybaggage said:


> Spousal e-mail hacking case stirs up controversy in county - theoaklandpress.com
> 
> Read the above article. Follow the link in the story for the original scenario as well. Dad asked you to go on his computer/phone, correct? Don't know if it would be a problem or not. Wishing you luck and peace.


He asks me to do tech stuff all the time, and asked me to back up his whole laptop, so he did give me access to all the data in question. I don't know the finer points of the law, though.

The pit in my stomach continues to grow.


----------



## KathyGriffinFan

OMGosh Taylor, back to '97?!?!?!

Are you leaning in a certain direction about what to do?


----------



## Eli-Zor

This is going to eat you alive it is not for you to keep your dads bad behaviour a secret , sit with your mother now and tell her , yes she will be shocked the best you can do as her son is be there let her know you will support her. She may initially say she does not believe you, take some of the hard evidence to show her, ensure she knows there is much more. Your father is endangering her life, all you can to is be truthful and supportive. You may chose to print out the thread as an introduction though remove the site link. Be prepared for a mixed reaction non of us know how this will pan out what you do know is this cannot continue.

Time for you to be the man of the family , do not doubt yourself , use the fear to do what you know is right , being honest and there for your mother is the right choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## taylor series

KathyGriffinFan said:


> OMGosh Taylor, back to '97?!?!?!
> 
> Are you leaning in a certain direction about what to do?


At _least_ 1997. That's the earliest evidence I found... so far. These emails from 14 years ago are written in a way that makes it clear he knows how the whole process works, and has been through it before. He also includes info about other escorts he had seen before at some unspecified time, as "references". :wtf:

The earliest one I've found is him setting up payment for "an hour at the hotel" with two girls (at the same time), while he was away on a work trip. Wish there was a :barf: emoticon on this forum.

The mid/late 90s was a rough time for my family. My mom had serious health problems, and I happen to know we were strapped for cash. I was 10 at the time, and they hid the worries from me pretty well, but my mom has since told me that they had trouble making ends meet. And now I find out that my dad was treating himself to $900/hour 3-ways.

My dad has a history of being emotionally abusive, and one of the things he does is make people feel bad about spending money on themselves. Recently he got angry at me and my mom when we went out to lunch at a nice restaurant to celebrate a milestone in her work. What a f**king hypocrite. I can't believe I let him make me feel guilty about that. So many things are starting to make sense for the first time.

Oh yeah, and I discovered he has a secret hotmail address (I know the address, but not the password). Probably why the evidence stops showing up at a certain point in the email I do have access to.



Eli-Zor said:


> This is going to eat you alive it is not for you to keep your dads bad behaviour a secret , sit with your mother now and tell her , yes she will be shocked the best you can do as her son is be there let her know you will support her. She may initially say she does not believe you, take some of the hard evidence to show her, ensure she knows there is much more. Your father is endangering her life, all you can to is be truthful and supportive. You may chose to print out the thread as an introduction though remove the site link. Be prepared for a mixed reaction non of us know how this will pan out what you do know is this cannot continue.
> 
> Time for you to be the man of the family , do not doubt yourself , use the fear to do what you know is right , being honest and there for your mother is the right choice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I couldn't take it anymore, so I talked to my best friend about it, for over 3 hours last night. They agreed to keep it secret. Now we're trying to figure out the best way to move forward. I can't tell my mom now without completely derailing the big project she's working on, including international travel plans already paid for, so I think we're going to wait until that's done in a few weeks and in the meantime plan out how the f**k I'm going to break this to her.

I need all the advice I can get about doing this, guys. I'm so scared. And so angry at my dad.

Thanks, everyone, for keeping up with my story and for your support.


----------



## Eli-Zor

There is no right way to tell her. Collect the evidence in paper and electronic copies, if you do this at home your father must not be around , your mother needs a safe place to retreat to if this is not her home then it may be a sister or parents home, be ready to help her travel there. Any approach is going to be difficult it is wise to prepare your mother with a few sentences mentioning you have come across something unpleasant , that you cannot keep this to yourself and you will be there to support her. 

Use a few short sentences to describe what you have found and give her a some of the copies as backup to your statement. She may be quiet or her emotions may get the better of her , have tissues handy , do not sit opposite her sit alongside her when you talk. After you have spoken to her offer to make coffee so as to give her some space and answer her questions, do not add your view keep to the the facts , do not slag your father, stay focused. 

Much depends on how she reacts you will have to adapt in the moment , she may choose to totally not accept the truth, either way you must have a plan as to do when your father comes home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WhereAmI

taylor series said:


> I couldn't take it anymore, so I talked to my best friend about it, for over 3 hours last night. They agreed to keep it secret. Now we're trying to figure out the best way to move forward. I can't tell my mom now without completely derailing the big project she's working on, including international travel plans already paid for, so I think we're going to wait until that's done in a few weeks and in the meantime plan out how the f**k I'm going to break this to her.


I think you should tell her now. What if this last trip is the one where he contracted something? A broke mother is better than a sick mother. Please stop delaying. No time will be perfect. It will be devastating no matter when she hears.


----------



## FieryHairedLady

This is such an awful situation.


----------



## confused55

Taylor,

I found out my husband had been going to Erotic Massage (twice, while out of town), on one of his emails and have known about it for 2 months now.

I cannot get past this and am thinking I won't be able to live with him anymore. 
I'm going to counselling, so his he, but I'm losing love and attachment to him everyday.

The betrayal, deceit and total lack of thought for our marriage, I cannot get over.

Everything has changed.

I too have been married for 30 years and have 2 daughters in their twenties.

As a young person, you must also see the expolitation in this situation to young women.

I would insist your dad tell your mom, but I'll tell you, be prepared, because I feel like I'm going nuts and I don't want a husband who would do this to me.

It's different than an affair, maybe worse.

Good luck to you.


----------



## Brewster 59

taylor series said:


> I hadn't thought of it like that. Of course, this doesn't give my dad the chance to tell her himself, as others have suggested might be best. And I'm afraid she would shoot the messenger, so to speak. Not intentionally, of course, but I would hate for it to harm our relationship because she might associate me with this thing because I was the one to tell her.


Wow what a pile of crap to be dropped on you. One question If your mom knew your SO was cheating on you, how would you feel if she didnt tell you? I definetly think not telling her until she finishes her contract would be prudent.

I wonder why your Dad would let you look at his phone knowing you know that phone inside and out, wonder if he wants to get caught....just a thought. 

I feel so bad for you as this is a horrible burden to be put on your plate, One thing is for sure your Mom has to be made aware of this situation cuz if she is still intimate with him it could kill her and then how would you feel? 

I think your Dad is a real jerk for putting you in this situation.


----------



## ShootMePlz!

Just make sure you tell your mother and not confront your father and hope he tells her or stops the cheating. It won't happen. Don't give him chance to water this down. Your mom needs to know....no matter the damage/hurt.


----------



## Lazarus

If you don't want to seek advice from a medical specialist consider speaking to your dad first. Have it out with him. 

Tell him it would be better if mom hears about his serial infidelity with prostitues from him and not from you. Tell him you know everything so you will know if he tells mom the whole truth, or if it is just more lies. 

By telling mom yourself, you may be taking away from your dad the need for him to face up to his abominable treatment of your mom.

I think he is testing you. He can't be that daft. He knows you know from the computer records. He's pitting you against your loyalty for mom or dad.

Tell him what it's done to you and what it could do to mom and how you want to protect her because he certaintly hasn't; that you want it to be outted the best way possible to make this a soft landing for your mom. He may say it's none of your business.

Mom will have to go through a series of tests some of them may end up becoming invasive tests where her internals may need to be frozen in order to stop her crying out in pain. Some of these humiliating, invasive tests are essential and your mom may inevitably feel terrified and angry along with a sense of humiliation since she may have to speak to numerous professionals about her personal life. 

She may feel ashamed and embarassed too because medical people will be able to look at her file and know all about her, who she is and where she lives and what her husband is involved in ...seeing prostitutes in different States. Her private sexual life is no longer private. 

Even although she is the innocent party in this, your mom may feel terribly bad about what tests she has had to endure, particularly if scans show the need for further internal investigations.

Your mom is going to go through a lot on the medical side here and then she will have to deal with all the lies, the betrayal of her husband with countless prostitutes. She will be experiencing the same painful feelings of treachery that many people here probably feel when faced with the one person they loved who utterly betrays and disrespects them and puts their life at risk, a high risk of contracting aids or other diseases. 

When you love someone you look out for them, help and PROTECT them. In a word 'Cherish' the person. Your father has shown your mom's health doesn't matter. He's shown that he isn't interested in protecting her, her health and that's what so hard and hurtful for any loyal spouse facing infidelity, or serial encounters with the opposite or same sex.

You've told a friend. The clock is ticking now because the friend may tell their family and it could blow up sooner rather than later.

Take the responsibility off your shoulders today. Tell your father and let him shoulder this responsibility. Once you let him know you know, it will be up to him to decide when to tell your mom before the end of your mom's contract. If he is a real ********* he won't say, that may make you feel less burdened in case something did happen to your mom's sexual health between now and the end of her contract.

But one thing is clear. Your mom needs to be told and certainly no later than on the day the contract ends. I'd still speak to a medical specialist for advice meantime to see how your mom could be protected until then. If she is away, that is good because she won't be having sex with your dad. However, it only takes one encounter with your dad and then you would never forgive yourself if anything happened to your mom. 

You've told a friend so why not approach a medical specialist who can make contact with mom to get her screened as part of a "programme" or whatever. You take the risk out of everything by alerting and seeking counsel from a sexual health adviser. 

The secret is out now, a friend knows. The risk of someone else telling her has been increased considerably. 

If your mom was to learn from someone else that would be even worse because she may also be angry with you for not telling her before telling a friend. On here you were free from that possiblity, but not now. Your friend may swear not to tell but you have probably unknowingly placed a burden, secret on her or him and that may result in that burden being shared by telling someone else a "secret" and the situation becomes one of a risk, a risk of finding out from someone else.


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage

Taylor,
Sorry I didn't write back right away. I think you can just go to the light blue bar at the top of the page and click on search, then put in "Affaircare" and their page should come up . I would just message them a link to this thread and ask them if they would take a look. 

There is a lot of thoughtful advice here. Some of it is conflicting (as in, tell Dad first and make him tell her, or tell Mom first.) Most everyone agrees she needs to be told. 

My concern is that if you try to "make" Dad tell her, even though you are trying to "do the right thing" by letting him be accountable for his own actions, and take the "high road" by letting them handle this between themselves, it will backfire terribly.

The reason I say this is that I have read a large number of threads on here about philandering spouses. I gotta tell you, from my own experience, and from what I've read, they just don't rise to the occasion. They get better at hiding things. They manipulate to try to make EVERYONE else wrong but themselves. They continue to lie. You will not believe your dad has the capacity for the lies he will tell. But you have to recognize, if he has been doing this since pre-'97, and he can just off-the-cuff "the workshop (or whatever) ran too long," you can see that deciet and disregard for your mom are already a way of life for him. DO NOT expect him to be the man you were hoping he would be. HE WILL NOT BE. 

Your mom has been victimized by him for a very long time. Aside from the emotional/verbal abuse (that she may have put up with because she valued her vows...) now there is THIS devastation. If you give him any tipoff that you know, you are going to immediately put her at a disadvantage. 

Expect him not to tell her anything at all until he has "thought out his story." Because that is exactly what it will be-- a story concocted to minimize his responsibility, his actions, read: damage control. She will get his spin, but not anything like the truth. Of course, it will still be enough to rock her world. 

Then, while she is reeling from her world as she knew it being torn wide open to expose it for what it really is, what it really has been for the last who knows how long, he will be showing her all the reasons it's her fault. All the things she did or didn't do through the years that "made him do it." I am not making this $*** up. Ask anyone on here--this is what the Wayward Spouse (what we call "WS") does. Bet money on it.

No. Please think hard before doing that. I was the betrayed spouse at 14 years, and I'd give my... anyway, I reallllly wish I had a do-over.


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage

Consider this instead:

In a family with an alcoholic, the family and friends sometimes do an intervention (google it if you don't know what that is.) Your folks' problem is very private, so I wouldn't do it quite like that. But I think that when your mom gets this info, she needs some things in place, mainly because of her history of depression.

She needs, as someone wise above said, a safe place with people who are going to support her emotionally. I would be calling the local hospital ER, and asking to speak to their psych social worker. You ask that person for a referral to the best counselor and psychiatrist they know to deal with the problem mom is going to be facing. Then you go see those 2 referred professionals yourself, and bring your "proof." You decide if you feel comfortable with these people being competent to help mom. If not, get other referrals if you need to. These people are key and need to be good at what they do. There may be online referrals for DRs. in your area, too. 

If you do like these doctors, you let them know that she has a history of depression and this contract coming up. Explain the situation, ask their opinion about when to break it to her. Ask if you can/should do it in a 3 way meeting with you, counselor, and mom. 

Ask if there are any resources available for women as far as legal aid if mom doesn't have her own money (even if she decides not to separate from him or divorce him, she should still talk to a lawyer. He may decide to leave her, and trust me when I tell you the leaver always finishes a mile ahead of the leave-ee.) Think of one of your friends or friends' parents who made out well in their divorce. You pretty much want a shark. He (men seem to be more aggressive lawyers, but she may not want to trust another man. Understandable. But male or female, get the best you can find..that she can afford) has to be on HER side. 

_You_ already are (she is so lucky to have you,) but she will need you to do some thinking for her because she won't be able to at times. If she is left to her own devices, she may be very vulnerable to his manipulation and once again find herself getting the short end of the stick. She is actually in a place of power right now, if people can help her to recognize it. She can get a FAULT divorce, and he may very well have to pay alimony, and half his retirement, etc. She deserves not be SCREWED any more (sorry, little personal for me,) than she already has been. You can defend her from that, but only if you expose dad for what he is. The more publicly outed Dad is (ie, the more people who find out, and have access to the facts) the less likely she will be to feel she has to aid him in his cover-up out of loyalty. Folks will rally around her, and she will see, despite his efforts, that his choices were his own. Don't feel obligated to protect him from his actions. Oh, he will definately want to be protected. But has she been?

Be her advocate and get the strongest, best professionals on her side as you can, just as she would for you if you were 10 and had leukemia. 

I would share this site (TALKABOUTMARRIAGE.COM) with her and also explore it more yourself. Also, I just joined a 13 week program through a church called DivorceCare (go to DivorceCare.com) and she may find this helpful, too. It's $15. 

While she is grieving (which will take a _long_ time, and have many ups and downs,) keep close tabs on her for her own safety. I am not ashamed to say that my situation made me feel so hopeless (my soon to be ex used my depression against me REALLY well, and now has our 2 sons...I'm fighting an uphill, losing battle and I really got steamrolled) that I was having those dangerous thoughts...my best friend got me help and may have saved my life. I spent 3 nights in the "hospital," but I am alive and stronger for it. She, too, can survive this and be stronger for it, but she's going to need lots of help.

I am sending up a prayer for your whole family. If there's one thing that will make you learn to pray, it's losing (or the fear of losing) family, no matter how it happens. If I can help by sharing any other experiences or helping you find the answers to any questions, I will be glad to do it. Please know people are rooting for your whole family to heal from this terrible wound. Peace.


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage

Sorry, it was under community/members. 

Try them. Read the second link first.

Talk About Marriage - View Profile: Affaircare

http://www.affaircare.com/Articles/7StepstoTake.htm


----------



## Affaircare

Hi taylor ~

I just wanted you to know that I'm reading your thread and trying to get the full picture and then I'll be working on a reply this afternoon/evening. I'm in Pacific Time so often what is "afternoonish" to me is pretty late for others. So just wanted you to know I'm on the job and working on it, okay?


----------



## taylor series

Affaircare: thankyou so much. I always admire those people who are so diligent in volunteering their time to help out strangers


----------



## Affaircare

Taylor~

First...a taylor series huh? I assume you're a bit of a mathematician then?  [A Taylor series is a way of approximating an analytic function araound a single point using only the derivatives of the function at that point. Calculus ] Let's try to calculate all the variables around this single point of truth, shall we? 

As I understand it, your mother and father have been married for 30 years or a little more. Throughout their marriage there has been a dynamic that may not quite be "abusive" but is at the very least domineering/dominated between your father and mother. Namely--he dominates her but as an adult she chooses to accept it. You have an occupation programming apps for cell phones, and one day your father gave you his phone to do something to it...and you accidentally discovered irrefutable evidence that your father visits prostitutes. You have saved and documented this evidence so that he can not "erase" it. At this time, after observing, it appears to you that this is not something your mom of which your mom is not aware and to which she has not agreed. So far you have not told anyone that you know--other than to speak to one friend about it and mention to your SO that you have a "family issue" that isn't him but it does stress you out. Have I basically got the facts straight?

So far in this thread people have said things like "Tell your mom she deserves to know" and "Tell your dad and *make* him tell your mom" or even "Tell the doctor and let the doctor tell your mom..." and each idea has some merit, but Taylor you sound like a fairly wise 23 year old, so I'm going to remind you that there are SEVERAL things to keep in mind and balance all at the same time:

1) Your parents have THEIR relationship. They are adults and they may make choices that you do not think are healthy or even choices with which you strongly disagree! Just remember--they are adults and they are responsible for their choices. 

2) Your father is breaking his vows by being sexually immoral. According to the Bible this is wrong and sexual immorality is the one exception for which a spouse can divorce. Now I'm not being "preachy" here, but just bringing into view that there are moral/spiritual aspects here too.

3) Your father is putting your mother's health at risk by introducing every sexual partner with whom the prostitutes have slept into your mother's bed. 

3) Your mother may know full well that she behaves in a codependent way and choose to continue to do so--accepting "some bad treatment" in exchange for a secure home for her children, a secure future, etc. 

4) If your mother does not know and sleeps with your father, as is her right as a married woman, she may be putting her health at GREAT risk without her own knowledge. 

5) If your mother truly does not know, she may be making decisions and choices about herself and her marriage and her life without all the facts to make a wise choice. 

6) If/when your mother finds out, it will hurt and rock her to the core--assuming this is not an arrangement they have in their marriage. I'm not being glib here but there are some women who just are "not that into" sex who agree to "look the other way" when their spouse goes to an escort discreetly (thus removing the pressure to have to have sex). 

7) You can not "make" anyone do anything. As an adult they are free to do the right thing or choose to do the wrong thing--however if they do choose to do the wrong thing it is reasonable to experience the natural consequences of doing the wrong thing. So you can not "make" your dad tell your mom anymore than he can "make" you do something.

So unfortunately by discovering what you have discovered, you now know things about your parents and their relationship that frankly, no child wants to know about their parents! I'll agree with you in that it doesn't sound like they are in an open marriage or into the swinging lifestyle--so for now I'll proceed based on that assumption. I have two suggestions for you actually. The first is what I think would be the ideal proper way to "do the right thing" and the second is a very good option based on the reality that things are not ideal. 

#1--The ideal way to handle this would be to make copies of your evidence and place the originals in a place outside the house where they can not be found or removed:a place like a locked file drawer at work or school or a locked metal box/safety deposit box. If you choose option #1, make copies of SOME of your most ... ummmm ... irrefutable evidence, and then set a meeting with your father alone--just you and him. Give him the most damning evidence, tell him that you accidentally came across it and how, tell him that you do have more and that you are fully aware of what he's doing when he goes on these "trips," and tell him to his face that what he's doing is wrong. Give him the chance to do the RIGHT thing, stop going to prostitutes ever again, tell your mom, and do his best to save his marriage. Tell him you love him and will help however you can, but that it is adultery and you won't sit back and watch him commit adultery on your mom. Then, let him make the choice to either do the right thing and end it right then and there...or choose to fight ending it and try to deny, blame, etc. 

This is ideally the best way to handle it because it is your dad that has been behaving badly and making the choices that may cost him, and it is up to him to decide to do the right thing or continue to do the wrong thing. The issue with this one is that since he already has a history of being a bit...aggressive shall we say?...that he could use that rage and anger in an attempt to threaten you, make you the bad guy, claim you're making things up and trying to make false claims, etc. When people are committing adultery, they really DO NOT think with their moral minds and are not calmly rational. So although this is probably the best way to address it--face-to-face with the person doing the wrong thing, NAME IT, and then give them the chance to end it and do the right thing--it may not be the safest, most practical way. If you were to take this route, I would *VERY STRONGLY* suggest that you take him to a restaurant, meet him there in separate cars, and sit in a private table/booth so that you can show him the evidence and others won't see it, but he'll also be in public and less likely to rage at you. 

#2--Another very good option, would be make two copies of some of the most damning evidence and tell both of your parents that you need to have a meeting with both of them, privately. (This is not a "family get together" with all the brothers and sisters, but you, him and her--period.) Then give each of them an envelope with the evidence, tell them how you found it, tell them it's been killing you to try to figure out how to tell them, and that you don't want to get in the middle of their relationship but this can not be ignored. Say that you know your dad is committing adultery and that you did not think it was healthy or realistic for your mom to be kept in the dark because her health could be at great risk. Whatever you say after that could be a W-T-F-S (When you... I think... I feel.... So I'm going to request...) and you can let them know that you love them both and hope they can work this out, but that you won't sit idly by while your dad commits adultery. 

This option will NOT be easy because you are going to see your mom's face see ... those pictures. Everything she has as a foundation for her world will crumble at that moment. However, remember that it is not YOU telling her the truth that is crumbling her world--it is your father's ACTIONS doing that. You are the messenger and that is a hard, horrible job, but all you are doing is not hiding it, not pretending it's not happening, not keeping the horrible secret. YOU are telling the truth--and if the truth was that your father was an honorable, faithful man then his actions would merit him love and admiration. Okay? Got that? 

No matter which option you choose--#1 or #2--I can pretty much guarantee you that your father's reaction will be denial. it is very rare that a disloyal spouse will confess and repent right away upon being caught...but a few do. Most will say things like, "It's not what you think!" "It doesn't mean anything." "I don't love you" "How dare you invade my privacy!" "YOU made your mom cry!" "How could you do this to me?" Usually the disloyal spouse will pull every trick they know to deny what is plain to everyone...and to deflect the blame onto someone else. Rather than engaging in that blame game, I would suggest finding a phrase and sort of repeating it over and over such as "I realize you're mad that your adultery was discovered but that is your choice. We CAN work through this, but to move forward it has to end. Are you willing to stop?" If you say that over and over to every trick and remark, it puts him in the position of raging for a bit to get it out of his system and trying to shake you...but then having to choose yes (he'll stop) or no (he won't). From there, it's up to your mom to choose if she's going to live with a man who openly cheats on her or not. 

And yep...you can PM me any time you need to talk as we move forward and set up this meeting.


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage

Does dad have a firearm? Just trying to help you cover all the bases.


----------



## ClipClop

Just tell your mother or give her the evidence and stay out of the rest. The confronting your father stuff puts you in the middle way more than necessary. And do it now. She deserves the opportunity to protect her health first. Their marriage is second.

Don't try to mind read about your dad. You can't and anything you think may make you overcomplicate the situation.

It sucks but this is life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## loveless25

im in d same situation idk how to tell my dad my mom is having an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage

How's it going, Taylor?


----------



## KathyGriffinFan

Any updates, Taylor?


----------



## willc

taylor series said:


> I recently found out my dad has been seeing prostitutes. I was not snooping when I discovered this; he asked me to fix a problem on his cell phone, and the evidence (with pictures) came up on screen in the course of investigating the problem.
> 
> My parents have been married almost 30 years. I never, ever would have guessed my dad would do something like this; he's always been the family's straight shooting, ethics-by-the-book guy, sometimes almost to a fault. I wouldn't believe it except for the evidence I saw.
> 
> I have indisputable evidence (photos) that he was seeing an "escort" (don't you love the euphemism?) within the past two weeks, and strong circumstantial evidence (web history of viewing listings on "escort" sites, phone calls to the numbers on those listings matching up to when he's out of town on business, or when he's been at home alone) that this has been going on consistently, for quite a while. At least a dozen different "escorts" within the last 6 months. I stopped checking after that many because I felt sick.
> 
> My initial discovery was pure chance. After that, in anger, I did look at his web history. I value privacy and I hate the idea of snooping, but I almost was hoping to find that it was a one-time thing. Instead, I found this long history of looking at all these "escort" listings. So that is when I checked his phone calls, and all the numbers matched up. I feel really bad about snooping on him, but I also feel angry.
> 
> My dad doesn't know that I know. I haven't talked to anyone about it. I can't talk to any of my close friends about it, or to my significant other, because they are close to my parents and see them all the time. It would be too weird to have them know. So basically I have nobody to talk to, and no idea what to do.
> 
> My first impulse was to not say anything, like maybe it's not my business. I kind of felt it would be betraying my dad to tell. I look(ed?) up to my dad a lot. But then I also feel like I'm betraying my mom by not telling her. Then, when I found out it was lots of different "escorts", I thought: what about STDs? Do I have a responsibility to tell?
> 
> The other thing is that my dad does nothing to hide his tracks. He doesn't clear his browsing history; just typing a few letters in the address bar makes the escort sites come up on autocomplete. It would be so easy for my mom to discover this by accident. He even has one of the escorts in his cell phone contacts, listed as the trashy fake name she uses (seems like he's seen her multiple times). The only reason my mom hasn't found out about this is she trusts him completely and would never think to check his history or calls and such.
> 
> If she eventually finds out, and finds out that I knew, I think she would feel foolish and maybe resent that I didn't tell her when I found out.
> 
> I think finding this out would destroy my mom. She's so sweet and caring, she gives so much to the family and doesn't get that much in return from my dad. I think it would destroy my family. Also, my dad has a high-profile, respected job and if this gets out he could conceivably lose it. I really don't know what to do.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading, and letting me get this off my chest. I've felt sick since this happened, and just typing it all out helps a little.


The exact same thing happened to me two days ago. It has turned my world upside down. My parents have also been together for 20 years and it's killing me. I really want to talk to my brother about it because i feel that he's the only one who can really understand what I'm going thru. But being the older brother, I feel like I have a responsibility to protect him. And I feel like it would be selfish of me to impose that on him, just to dilute my pain...

I dont know what to do. I feel like I have lost my father. He knows that I know and the circumstances in which I found out are just icky... (condom wrapper in the car) ...

I dont want to tell my mother but I feel so hurt for her and I hate to have this little secret.


----------



## ClipClop

Tell her please. Let her know who she is married to. If my kids new something like this and didn't tell I would be angry because instead of protecting me, the innocent one, they protected him, the slimy disgusting cheater. And probably the worst kind at that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor

Tell your mother the truth , she will deal with it, do so now, the longer you wait the more you enable your fathers affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keepitasecret

What if she found out when her father's next "meeting" with the escorts was and called the cops on him? He would get caught and have to explain himself and it might scare him into never doing it again?

It IS illegal right????


----------



## ClipClop

I wish the op would return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PHRoG

Taylor...as many have said. 

You are young and obviously intelligent. One thing you need to realize is that they have their own life they live completely outside how you view them. Perfect example is your evidence of him seeing other women, yet you were not aware of it until now.

Because of this...you simply cannot control how this will play out. 

You're worried about what will happen...but trying to figure out the "best way" to let it out and thus control the outcome. What's going to happen beyond that point completely depends on THEIR choices as a couple. Not yours. You CANNOT control the outcome.

I really wouldn't wait until after the trip. That is just selfish on your part I believe. Not trying to be harsh, but it is. You are harboring this information because YOU are afraid...not them, they are both in the dark still, completely unaware of what YOU know. Sure, mom may know...and if that's the case, both of them are responsible for allowing you to see it. 

Do as others suggested, put your hard evidence in two envelopes and give one to each of them. Explain you love them both dearly and it's tearing you up inside. As parents, they need to deal with this...just because you're past 18, doesn't mean they get to stop being parents. You also need to LET them be parents here. 

This is THEIR responsibility to handle how they feel they need to handle it. Trying to control it either way...angry dad covering up tracks, mom having problems with business...these are THEIR worries, not yours. It's absolutely stressfull for the siblings when parents have problems...but I can tell you one thing, hiding them will not do anyone ANY good. The rabbit hole just gets deeper.

Drop the bomb, let them know you love them both, are there for both of them and then it's all about waiting for the dust to settle. For all you know, it might give mom the courage to open some of those freedom doors on her trip and enjoy herself. Time apart after the exposure I believe would undoubtedly be a good thing anyways.

Wish you the best!

Peace,
Chris

Ooops... Resurrected thread! My bad.


----------



## teaandbiscuits

Hey Taylor.

I came across this thread because I'm in a similar situation.

I first found out my dad was watching porn when I was just 5 years old. as I grew older I discovered more and more things about my dad, like that he was chatting with escort ladies on MSN. I refrained from telling my mother because I feared that when she knew, my parents would divorce.

which is exactly what happened, my mother found out by herself that he was visiting prostitutes and then told me and my sister (she was quite shocked that it wasn't much of a surprise to us -and all this time I thought I was the only one who knew -) so yeah they are in the middle of getting a divorce right now.

my dad told me and my sister that it was because they haven't been having sex since I was born. (which is 21 years). he said my mum didn't want sex and that's why he has sex issues.

so anyway, I just wanted to say, it's a very likely possibility that your parents also haven't been having sex. so in that case she won't be needing all those tests. 

oh I see you haven't posted in a while, please give us some update?


----------



## Coug_Grad

I'm curious how this turned out.


----------



## help93

I'm having an almost identical situation and no clue how to deal with it 

Is there any chance of knowing what actions were taken here?


----------



## NoWayJose

I know it's five years later but your situation couldn't be any more relevant to mine, what do I do? I'm in bits and can't bare to tell anyone. I don't want to tear apart this family


----------



## dignityhonorpride

NoWayJose said:


> I know it's five years later but your situation couldn't be any more relevant to mine, what do I do? I'm in bits and can't bare to tell anyone. I don't want to tear apart this family


NoWay - no one is likely to respond here; try starting your own new thread in Coping With Infidelity  I'm sorry for your dilemma

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


----------



## EleGirl

NoWayJose said:


> I know it's five years later but your situation couldn't be any more relevant to mine, what do I do? I'm in bits and can't bare to tell anyone. I don't want to tear apart this family


Please start a thread of your own and share your situation. You will get a lot of support here.

This is a thread from 2011... a zombie thread.


----------

