# Two years out and still just coping...whats wrong with me?



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Nearly 2 years since 1st Dday(for second A) and 10 wks since 2nd Dday(1st affair 20 years ago that I never knew about). In between lots of great reconciliation and rebuilding and falling in love again. Husband remorseful, understanding the depths of hurt he caused, grateful for a second and third chance and the depths of love I have for him. However...while most of my days are good, optimistic, living for the love we create day by day, there are still times when I feel this huge pool of anger, resentment and sense of loss overwhelm me, causing me to look at him with (lets be honest) distaste and disrespect. I dwell on the negative characteristics of his personality and values that led him to choose the selfish and cowardly alternative to simply approaching me and communicating his unhappiness and needs. I wonder over and over again how much of my life was a waste while I lived under false impressions of who my husband was and what my marriage was in truth. I resent that my husband could have worked with me to improve our marriage and allow me to grow into the better person, a more loving wife by being honest but choose deception and lies, thus thwarting any improvement for either of us. I still grieve for the loss of my dream to be his "beloved". At times, I feel valueless and unprotected because of his choices that affected my life so greatly. He is trying, but finds it hard to be there when I need to talk or question...possibly because of the feelings they generate in himself when forced to face my hurt. I want, deserve the passion and excitement he took from me and gave to another...so much so that sometimes I even wonder how it would be to have an affair myself! While I would never do it because I know first hand how destructive it would be, I still fantasize about it...
So, how do I move on...how do I take all the lessons learned and the pain felt and transform it forever into a doubtfree and loving marriage, full of respect and trust? All I want is for the bitterness and sadness to disappear once and for all.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I wish I knew the answer to this, but I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. Two years into this hell, many years I was in the dark. It's this incredible feeling of loss. I still can't look at pics around the house, it's like a life wasted. A false life and now I've lost desire for the future. It's like a light in me has burned out. It's very sad indeed. I feel lost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

allwillbewell said:


> Nearly 2 years since 1st Dday(for second A) and 10 wks since 2nd Dday(1st affair 20 years ago that I never knew about). In between lots of great reconciliation and rebuilding and falling in love again. Husband remorseful, understanding the depths of hurt he caused, grateful for a second and third chance and the depths of love I have for him. However...while most of my days are good, optimistic, living for the love we create day by day, there are still times when I feel this huge pool of anger, resentment and sense of loss overwhelm me, causing me to look at him with (lets be honest) distaste and disrespect. I dwell on the negative characteristics of his personality and values that led him to choose the selfish and cowardly alternative to simply approaching me and communicating his unhappiness and needs. I wonder over and over again how much of my life was a waste while I lived under false impressions of who my husband was and what my marriage was in truth. I resent that my husband could have worked with me to improve our marriage and allow me to grow into the better person, a more loving wife by being honest but choose deception and lies, thus thwarting any improvement for either of us. I still grieve for the loss of my dream to be his "beloved". At times, I feel valueless and unprotected because of his choices that affected my life so greatly. He is trying, but finds it hard to be there when I need to talk or question...possibly because of the feelings they generate in himself when forced to face my hurt. I want, deserve the passion and excitement he took from me and gave to another...so much so that sometimes I even wonder how it would be to have an affair myself! While I would never do it because I know first hand how destructive it would be, I still fantasize about it...
> *So, how do I move on...how do I take all the lessons learned and the pain felt and transform it forever into a doubtfree and loving marriage, full of respect and trust? All I want is for the bitterness and sadness to disappear once and for all.*


1) First affair 20 years ago, then 18 years later you find out about another. Chances these are the only 2 ? Slim to none.

2)Your last paragraph is very telling of where you are emotionally. You just want it all to magically go away. It won't and can't because you now know the type of person you are really married to. A SERIAL CHEATER !

3) So what you do now is up to you. Continue to live in misery and fear, always on edge that he is going to cheat again, OR, kick his sorry cheating butt to the curb, and live the rest of your life on YOUR TERMS !!!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

No disrespect intended but I think part of the problem is that you gave him too many chances. With each new betrayal whatever layer of trust and faith built up is torn down again. The hurt goes deeper. 

In my opinion you are suffering from severe emotional trauma caused by your betraying husband. It's clear he is an addict and this will be a continuing problem.

So it's natural for you to balance the hurt with the feelings you have.

I applaud you for working so hard on reconciliation but I think this will only get worse unless you cut him free and build a happier life for yourself. You need the security he will never give you from this type of betraying pain.


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

Hello Mrs.

I have a question for you. Cheating is soul murder. Cheating is murder of the spirit. Why do you tolerate to live in this prison. Do you not know there are men out there who are honest and loyal and who cherish these things?

What binds you? You are a woman so you can take all this mans money. Do it. What are you so afraid of? Are you afraid to be alone? Are you afraid about what people will say? Are any of these affairs public in your family?

I mean come on you are living in some quiet desperation and are not respecting yourself. 20 years is one long time, but let me share something with you. Nelson Mandela was locked in prison for around the same time period...beaten and whipped daily...when he got out...his wife was waiting...they lasted only a couple years.....I mean prison can be harder than marriage....and I think Mr. Mandela can attest to this.

But my point here is this. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. This man willfully murdered your spirit and soul.....cheating is not such innocent behavior.....

What would life be like with a man who was true and honest...who you didn't have to live in fear that he may take the knife from the drawer and stab your soul once more....

My ex cheated....she knew that was game over...she cried and wept and did all of the hoopla...but guess what....you murdered my soul...you broke my spirit....and that's it....

If you can regain this...ok...god bless you...but to me....it seems like you are living in a prison...and you are fearful of the unknown......like 'better the devil i know..then the devil i don't know'.....

well....there are good non murderous people in this world....most likely he cheated more than 2x (and its more for sure).....he knows he gets a pass....and if he has not done intensive therapy....and I MEAN INTENSIVE THERAPY...on himself....(watching 4 episodes of oprah doesn't count).......you are in for it again....

so....what i leave you with is this....IF HE HAS NOT DONE INTENSIVE THERAPY.....then you are in for another pounding...

i don't mean to project negative...but 2x....maybe once i can understand...but 2x...forget it....i wouldn't believe 1 word from his mouth....EVER...

unless i got some disertation from a PHD in mental health about his condition.....i wouldn't trust it....its like a disease this thing...a drug....he's dormant....where is his paperwork?


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> In my opinion you are suffering from severe emotional trauma caused by your betraying husband. It's clear he is an addict and this will be a continuing problem.


ok....this person has it right.....CHEATING is soul murder....trauma....

where is his paperwork lady? i'm not joking.....

(ps....my father got honorary degree at harvard medical...ran large mental health center outside of ivy league town....his collegues are in wikipedia for their work)....

don't torture yourself....what personal growth things has he accomplished? like i'm talking about seminars, retreats, spiritually, professionally, etc.....

i mean if he had any idea what this was like (cheaters don't...because they are heartless people who are selfish)....then he wouldn't do it again...

let me tell you a story....i once shot a bird with a bb gun when i was 6...i wasn't going to eat it...but i killed it...i watched it squirm and die for no reason....i ran home...and cried for like 2 weeks......

now.....do i shoot birds anymore for fun? no....he murders your soul....to make his man parts tingle.....come on...and you live in the prison of 'is he going to do this again'.....

he killed the bird 2x lady...some people kill the bird and don't cry...aren't remoresful.....you can't cry for him...and make him sorry he killed the bird....that is what he's most likely doing.....taking on your emotion to get himself out of the situation...but in his sick head...he's probably like 'god is this over yet so we can just get on'

think about it...


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

allwillbewell said:


> Nearly 2 years since 1st Dday(for second A) and 10 wks since 2nd Dday(1st affair 20 years ago that I never knew about). In between lots of great reconciliation and rebuilding and falling in love again. Husband remorseful, understanding the depths of hurt he caused, grateful for a second and third chance and the depths of love I have for him. However...while most of my days are good, optimistic, living for the love we create day by day, there are still times when I feel this huge pool of anger, resentment and sense of loss overwhelm me, causing me to look at him with (lets be honest) distaste and disrespect. I dwell on the negative characteristics of his personality and values that led him to choose the selfish and cowardly alternative to simply approaching me and communicating his unhappiness and needs. I wonder over and over again how much of my life was a waste while I lived under false impressions of who my husband was and what my marriage was in truth. I resent that my husband could have worked with me to improve our marriage and allow me to grow into the better person, a more loving wife by being honest but choose deception and lies, thus thwarting any improvement for either of us. I still grieve for the loss of my dream to be his "beloved". At times, I feel valueless and unprotected because of his choices that affected my life so greatly. He is trying, but finds it hard to be there when I need to talk or question...possibly because of the feelings they generate in himself when forced to face my hurt. I want, deserve the passion and excitement he took from me and gave to another...so much so that sometimes I even wonder how it would be to have an affair myself! While I would never do it because I know first hand how destructive it would be, I still fantasize about it...
> So, how do I move on...how do I take all the lessons learned and the pain felt and transform it forever into a doubtfree and loving marriage, full of respect and trust? All I want is for the bitterness and sadness to disappear once and for all.



I'm going to be honest here, but hopefully respectfully 
......all the above replies, excluding hurting badly...are possibly not the best way to help you right now. But we don't have the fullest of pictures....so we need a little more from you. A bit more back ground? How did you find out about the more recent affair dd1? Has H been transparent in all ways since dd1?

When I read your post I get the impression that your H had both these A's before he saw your pain. 

So, to your knowledge he hasn't cheated since you found out about either? He hasn't cheated since he promised to never cheat again. He hasn't cheated since he saw the pain in your eyes and started to R?

Cheating is always the worst choice to make, what ever the situation, so I will never make an excuse or excuse a cheater....and he made the very worst choice in not coming clean with everything on DD1 

My H did the same....he attempted to have 3 ONS....ended up being drunken fumbling's....but either way he cheated on me and the intent to have sexual intercourse was there with at least two of these women...he was there, he was present and he was willing...he was just too drunk to complete the task!

I found out about one of these incidents....and a full year later, and much like you, into what I believed was a great and truthful, happy R he confessed to two more incidents on DD2. If my heart wasn't already shattered, and it was, then it was now cast to the wind.

The pain of that false R is the worst, worse than the unfaithfulness.

They _might_ have been serial cheaters...but hopefully not since they saw the pain they have caused us. This has to make some difference and doesn't mean it's worth throwing your marriage away if he is now doing everything he can to make things as right as possible for you.

I do know some of what you are going through, as we share similar stories....and I can totally relate to why you are feeling so disappointed after the past two good years where you believed you were making a fresh start.

It's the hardest thing in the world to believe there isn't more that we still don't know. They do so much damage to themselves as well as BS as we just don't know what to believe any more.

*Also, and very importantly...you are not still struggling after 2 years, you are rightly struggling after just 10 weeks. *

Talk and read here, listen to what helps and discount what doesn't ring true for your own situation.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Thank you for your replies and advice but have to admit I was quite surprised by the vehemence some posters expressed! Please reread my opening post again: we are successfully rebuilding our marriage: I am satisfied and content in the change in my husband, the progress we have made and am optimistic for our future. My discontent comes from within me for the most part.
To answer LRGirl's questions: I did not have a clue about the first A 20 years ago until the 2nd AP revealed it to me in an email for her own satisfaction when she was unsuccessful in enticing WH back...apparently he admitted it to her at some point during their relationship. As to transparency since DD1, he did not admit the first A until 10 weeks ago when recent AP revealed it...I pressed him for the truth and he came clean. I even met with 1st AP myself and got her side of the story. You can imagine her shock and dismay when I pop up out of her long forgotten past! 
I am very aware of the possibility of my husband having had more affairs between the two I know of. I am aware he may stray again: I don't believe a reconciled relationship after infidelity will ever be fully trusting again. That's where a lot of the anger and resentment come from. In any event, how many times does a BS ask the same question over and over again, hearing the same answer before just letting it go and move on?
The conditions of our relationship have changed drastically since MC and open communication is a #1 priority between us. I am confident that the dysfunction in our marriage has been identified by both of us and remedied. We are both very sensitive to falling back into those destructive patterns but it is a day to day process which we can never take for granted: lessons learned. Is he fully transparent? Who will ever know but him! 
But LRgirl is right: he never realized the depths of destruction and pain his choice would have caused me if I had learned of the first A...so he easily slid into a second 13 years later. He got away with it with me being none the wiser...unhurt and unbroken for at least that amount of time from his point of view but also with no change for the better in respect to our relationship...does that make him a serial cheater? With no hope? 
But now he does know how deeply he broke my spirit and heart and is trying hard to make amends. He has stated it is a shame and regret he knows he can never remove and will have to live with until the day he dies. He expressed this to his AP in a NC letter and to her H in an apology letter, also. So would he stray again? He has stated that he would not cheat again, but rather come to me like he should have in the beginning to express his dissatisfaction and if worse came to worse, end our relationship. For my part, he knows with full certainty that I will end our marriage if he ever betrays me again. Do I dwell on the lies for the rest of my life or try to rebuild with hope the love we once shared and have experienced again in R? 
In choosing between my rational mind's conclusions and the intuition of my heart, I will always choose my heart's lead. What will be, will be, what was meant to be, will be...only time will tell. It's getting through those dark nights of the soul that is the problem.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Allwillbewell, I applaud you for your resolve to make things work. 

I would make only one humble suggestion. 

Following the heart's intuition is what leads to affairs. When people cheat on their spouses it is almost invariably because they have followed their feelings. But that is not love. 

Love is doing the right thing regardless of how we feel. If our actions are to be guided by how we feel, we'll be changing our course every few seconds.

I did not reconcile so I don't know exactly what it's like. I imagine it must be difficult to heal when the person who betrayed you is there constantly, and trying to be the one who helps you. I don't know what that is like. But I would ask you to simply determine if you're doing any better at all. If you are improving, even a little, that's progress. If you're completely stagnated in your mending process then you might need to talk to someone.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

I feel strongly that you must give yourself more time. It has only been 10 weeks since finding out your H had a previous A. It might as well have happened just 10 weeks ago!

The pain is new to you, it isn't 20 years old.......

Give yourself time and patience and make it clear to your H that even the smallest of lies or omissions and you are both over......that way he will know up front how serious you are About R, but also that you will kick him to the curb if necessary......

I personally am not sure who I'm reconciling with somedays.....I love my H......I think.....and then I think....who's my husband?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

There is nothing 'wrong' with you. Nothing at all. You were betrayed by the one person you want to be closest to in your life.

Think of DDay1 as a knife wound and Dday 2 as peeling back the scab and reopening the wound. Even once you are 'fully healed' (whatever that is), there will be a large scar. 

As far as the pain, I'm 1 year out from Dday and still struggling with that myself. I'm starting to see now that only I can control my happiness. I need to stop worrying about my wife betraying me again and focus on what I want. What do I want in our relationship? What do I want in life? I need to focus on making those wants come true. 

I can't control her. If she is going to stray she is going to. I'm better equipped to notice it now and If she does betray me she is out of the house and out of my life. She knows this as well and completely understands. She hurt me a lot. Healing has been painful too. I will not go through that again with her. If it happens again, I will go through pain. But it will be on my own and she can go to hell.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Acoa said:


> There is nothing 'wrong' with you. Nothing at all. You were betrayed by the one person you want to be closest to in your life.
> 
> Think of DDay1 as a knife wound and Dday 2 as peeling back the scab and reopening the wound. Even once you are 'fully healed' (whatever that is), there will be a large scar.
> 
> ...



:iagree: 100%


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