# Please Help, Need Advice, New Marriage



## swiftwind21 (Aug 23, 2013)

Hey there everyone, thanks for taking the time to read this.

A little background, me and my wife are both college students, she is older than me. She is 44, where as I am 30. I really love her, but we often struggle a lot. School, Family and finances make things hard on us. We have split up and gotten back together 3 times in the last year. Always as a result of her breaking up with me, one time as her taking her son and actually moving out. Most of our problems seem to stim from alcohol, control or insecurities.

It seems we always survive the quarter and break up on finals week. Last time we got back together on the 4th of july, and decided to make it permanent to give my stepson and my family security that this is for real this time. That their is no backing out. Also because I believe in my heart that we both love each other. Sometimes I guess I feel that she just doesn't love me enough.

She really is not all that considerate to how I feel about things. I try to be everything I can for her, a good loyal husband. A provider, a friend and companion, and Sometimes I do get a little clingy. As an older woman she says, she doesn't like the clinginess and all the affection, but I am still young and enjoy it. This is the first month of our marriage, and we are already struggling. We have been fighting about drinking, she promised that their would be no more drinking this time, that she understood that drinking was a big problem of our relationship and this time would be different. Last week however she hounded me for alcohol until I broke down and bought her some. Then it is like she expected every day again. So I told her to remember the promise she made me and asked her to stop again, and she told me that I love controlling her life.... so frustrated we fought all night long... she finally gave in but still makes me feel bad about it.

Lately she has been acting like she did priorly before she moved out distant, disconnected, preoccupied and very moody. We do spend a lot of time together during the quarter, because of homework it keeps us from getting out much, but I do try to give her, her space throughout the day, and then bid for some of her attention at night, such as making love or watching a movie. She does often give it but isn't always happy about it.

Current events

She called me on the phone yesterday when I got out of class and asked me to hurry up, her mother had a stroke, and she might be going to Montana with her sister. So I told her I would pick up Zach, our Son and hurry home. I told her that I would like to go with her, and she said alright ill let me sister know when she calls back. I arrived home within the hour, and she still hadn't notified her sister that I would be coming. Her sister does not approve of our union because of our age difference, and when she finally texted her that I would be coming, only because I was concerned as to why she hasn't yet. Her sister immeditaly replied please don't bring him, and then called her and harped out her until she agreed not to bring me, which only took like 45 seconds. She knew that I wanted to go and be there for her, but really didn't care. I feel like she allowed her sister to come between me and her, for it wasn't her sisters place to decide with I go. So I told her to call her sister back and tell her, that we could just travel to the hospital together (2 States Away) or we could all three go to together. She took no effort, not even a word to defend my position or feelings to her sister, and just let her walk all over her. She didn't even say I would like him to be there he is my husband. So I ended up taking her up there and dropping her off, as well as giving her most of our money, so they could take the 16 hour drive together (W/o Me).

I feel like my wife kinda dropped the ball when it came to loyalty here, for her sister placed herself between me and her and she choice her sisters position without even taking a stance on mine, knowing her sister doesn't already like me. I have not met any of her family besides her son Zach, and this would have been a good chance for me to make a good supportive presence to her and her family, since her sister has worked hard to slander our union through gossip. I cant really help but feeling really betrayed by my wife here. I love her and want to support her through this, but alls I can do is say I love you through an occasional call and text, when I want to be there beside her through this...

This is the first stress free period we had a chance to spend together, and now its gone and she is two states away, im feeling really excluded from my wife and new family which I haven't even got a chance to meet yet. I want to support her, I just don't know if I want to be here when she gets back.


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## swiftwind21 (Aug 23, 2013)

Also since this, she has arrived in Montana, her mother has improven slightly and is stable. I am doing my best to be supportive of her when I talk or text her, but when I get off the phone with her, I just want to beat my head against the wall. Its so hard to bite my toung when im so upset.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you've been married a month? How long were you dating?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## swiftwind21 (Aug 23, 2013)

we were together about a month prior to getting married this last time.


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## swiftwind21 (Aug 23, 2013)

we were friends for about a year before we began dating the first time.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you were friends for a year, dated for a whole month, then got married? And in the time you were friends, she "broke up" with you 3 times?

Just trying to understand the timeline...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## swiftwind21 (Aug 23, 2013)

I really do love her, and I am trying my best to be supportive, I guess are my feelings misguided? Am I wrong to feel hurt and excluded?


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## swiftwind21 (Aug 23, 2013)

No we were friends for a year, dated for a quarted broke up on finals week, got back together at the beginning of the quarter broke up on finals week. rinse repeat 3 times now. Always on finals week... sometimes I just feel like she keeps me around to do her homework...


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## swiftwind21 (Aug 23, 2013)

Generally also it was always me pleading with her and trying to get her back, this last time she practically had to drop on her knees and beg me. I was convienced that this last time I was done with her, but I ended up trying again. I don't want my marriage to fail, but right now im questioning if I was ever really apart of it to began with.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'd say that she'd had shown you repeatedly where you fit in her priorities, and you chose to ignore it. At the same time, when she was in crisis mode and needed someone she could depend on, she counted on her sisters and family more than you. Given the fragmentation in your relationship history, that doesn't really seem surprising. But now may not be the time to press for changes. It's something that needs to be worked on over time. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She may have set it up before hand for her sister to tell her not to let you come. At least that's the first thing I thought of.

How much does she drink if she get all she wants?


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## swiftwind21 (Aug 23, 2013)

she drinks until she goes to bed or until the alcohol is gone... Can this situation be fixed? should I just give up? I want to be on the top of her priorities, not her second choice.


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## swiftwind21 (Aug 23, 2013)

but she hasn't drank in a week now


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

from the information provided, she sounds like a person with a serious alcohol problem. can that be fixed? that is largely up to her. a week sober is a start but I'd say, again based on the information provided, she needs to stay off any alcohol permanently.

But beyond the drinking, you are 30 and she is 44 and you sound like full time college students with these fights that occur around finals time, and that, frankly, sounds like the behavior of immature 20 year olds. It is never too late to go to school and learn and strive to improve your life but quick acting like kids half your respective ages.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Swift, I agree with Chap that there is a good chance your W is simply using her sister's negative attitude toward you as an excuse for leaving the alcohol police (i.e., YOU) behind -- so she is free to binge drink as much as she wants. You seem to be describing an emotionally unstable W who self medicates with alcohol.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Uptown said:


> Swift, I agree with Chap that there is a good chance your W is simply using her sister's negative attitude toward you as an excuse for leaving the alcohol police (i.e., YOU) behind -- so she is free to binge drink as much as she wants. You seem to be describing an emotionally unstable W who self medicates with alcohol.


:iagree:

I will add: you don't have a healthy relationship - and you know this. It is what it is and it will more than likely not change. So now you have to ask yourself:

Can I live with an alcoholic?
Can I live with constant stress, conflict and fighting?
Can I live with a wife that puts me down and puts me second to everything and everyone else?

If you can answer yes to those, then stay. If your answer is no, then you must change the situation.

P.S. I am truly sorry for you and your situation.


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