# Regrettable Behaviour



## tonynkim (Feb 2, 2009)

I have been in a relationship with my wife now for 20 years. For 13 of the years we have been married. We are both 36 years old and we meet at school. My wife and I have 3 children. 9, 7 and 3. For the past 5 years I have treated my wife badly. I have on 3 occasions acted inappropriately with 3 separate ladies. The first occasion I meet a lady at work. We formed a bond and became real close. My wife found a text message on my phone saying ‘I Love you too’. After this I moved away from the marital home. We sought counselling and through time we managed to reconcile things and we moved forward. The lady has since left my current place of employment. One the second occasion I was seen with a lady who my wife disliked. My wife had a gut feeling about this lady. This lady was involved with my son’s soccer team. I was the coach. We were seen together alone. As innocent as it was I except that I shouldn’t have been alone with this lady. We were awaiting the arrival of a third person when we were seen. My wife took this hard as her trust was already very fragile. But to her credit she tried to move forward. I didn’t have any feelings towards this lady. It was more the fact I lied as to my whereabouts. Which I did to protect my wife’s feelings. I should have been honest from the start and I except that. I have since changes soccer teams. On the third and most recent occasion I acted inappropriately with a lady I meet in a club. I was there with a group of friends as it was a going away party. My behaviour was regrettable and I demonstrated bad judgement. As I sat talking to this lady (we were sat with a large group of people) we talked about everything from years married, births of our children (she had three children as well) we spoke about all honest and open family topics. But during the course of the night this lady became very touch feely and for whatever reason I didn’t stop it or her. I am again away from the marital home. With all these 3 women I have never ever sought anything sexual from them. After the first incident I sought help from a psychologist. She help both myself and my wife deal with issues and was a major influence on us surviving. After the second incident I was seeing a doctor or my own and she helped me deal with the lying and I was able to move forward. I only saw this counsellor a few times, on my own. My wife didn’t come and possibly didn’t know I was seeking professional help. After this most recent incident I have returned to my original psychologist and have gone on a mental health plan. I have also been diagnosed as suffering depression. My psychologist has diagnosed me with a form of Attachment Disorder. She can trace this to my childhood up bring where I was raise solely by females. i.e. my mum, nana, aunts ect. I had no solid male influence in my life growing up. So now she feels I can’t connect with males and this is the root of my problem. My Doctor has been in discussion with my psychologist and he is also agrees with her diagnose. She feels as a man all Im seeking is approval from these ladies. Hence me not being interest in sexual pleasure ect. My question to you is do you believe that after reading my brief history do you firstly believe that my mental heath can be responsible for my actions and secondly and most importantly. Do you think there is any way possible I can make my relationship work with my wife? I want to make it work. I fell I have learnt everything about myself now and I can’t possibly hurt her or my family anymore. My wife is adamant were finished. Which I find really sad as I feel my heath issues do play a part and Im working as hard as possible to fix them. My psychologist is confident I can over come them. I am not taking any medication for the depression. I want to feel the pain I caused my family. I don’t want it masked by medication. Am I living in a fairytale world of make believe. Am I ever going to work this out and more importantly am I ever going to gain my wife’s forgiveness and trust. Im willing to work as hard as possible to make it all right. I don't want to lose my wife.


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## broken (Feb 2, 2009)

Once you lose trust, its hard to get it back. You may not even ever have her full trust again. What I believe is your therapists are maybe right, but do you want to be with your wife? Are you tired of the relationship? Are you letting these other women into your life because you want to feel something different and exciting? Its like the verge of going much farther than you already are. When was the last time you felt that same spark as when you had first met your wife? When was the last time you took her out and made her feel special? When was the last time she did something for you? When was the last time you felt like she was all there for you?


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## tonynkim (Feb 2, 2009)

broken said:


> Once you lose trust, its hard to get it back. You may not even ever have her full trust again. What I believe is your therapists are maybe right, but do you want to be with your wife? Are you tired of the relationship? Are you letting these other women into your life because you want to feel something different and exciting? Its like the verge of going much farther than you already are. When was the last time you felt that same spark as when you had first met your wife? When was the last time you took her out and made her feel special? When was the last time she did something for you? When was the last time you felt like she was all there for you?


I do want to be with my wife yes. I never ever imagine her not being there. We have had problems, all my doing and because of that there is a small wall between us. Nothing that couldn't be climbed though. Im positive in my thoughts that I want to be with her. We like a lot of couples didn't always make time for each other or do things together. We should have been more strict and made more 'couple' time away from our children. The spark was there and we were doing so well as husband and wife. Every setback in our relationship has been my doing. Im working my arse off to make my life better. Not just for me. But for my wife and our children. These are things I will take back to the relationship and will work on. Im positive that I can be a better person and husband. Im standing up and facing my past and Im feeling better for it. I have learnt the hard way, that's for sure.


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

I am sorry but I am not one of the FEW people that feel a mental disorder excuses bad decisions. Everyone has problems, everyone had a troubled childhood, everyone makes mistakes. Part of the process of repairing any relationship is by taking responsibility for those mistakes, not blaming them on a mental disorder. When it comes down to it, everyone on earth has some sort of mental disorder. The largest being selfishness! That does not give you the right to treat people, especially women that way. This is coming from my husband who has been told something similar about HIS life by a psych.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I believe you suffer from poor judgment, nothing more. The first indiscretion was probably the most damaging as you were likely involved in an emotional affair and it hurt her deeply. The second incident was compounded by lying to your wife, but in general was not inappropriate. The third poor circumstances and you didn’t set your boundaries with the lady. Likely alcohol was involved further impairing your judgment. You take blame for all the set backs in your marriage and I admire your candor but my experience show in general both parties have made mistakes. If anti depressant s have be prescribed get on them and get that issue under control. As said above, trust is hard to regain but can be done. Commit to your changes and behave has you should as a husband. She can come back but it will likely take time. Good luck.


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## tonynkim (Feb 2, 2009)

I agree and Im not trying to blame mental heath issues. Im trying to seek answers. I don't ever set out with the intention of hurting my wife. I have take responsibility for my actions. Now I need to learn from my mistakes and improve as a person and hopefully my wife will be there at the end.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think its great you are learning about your behavior and taking steps to improve it. I also have a mental issue and have done a lot of things that i didnt even realize what i was doing until someone freaked out. sometimes its hard to realize one is doing something 'wrong,' or even the nature of that wrong, until one's actions are bounced off another. 

Just keep up fixing yourself. One way or another you will be happy for it.


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## tonynkim (Feb 2, 2009)

I'm confident I can get this right. I feel really good about the steps Im taking. I have no more chances. Its now or never. At the end of the day though I don't want it to be all about me. I want it to be all for my wife. She's the one who didn't deserve this. I owe her the world. I want to be 100% for not only me, but for my wife. She said to me she doesn't want perfection. Just honesty and trust. That's all I want. I have an aim and a purpose and I won't rest until I have it.


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