# Going to give an ultimatum. Anyone else tried?



## ConfusedInMichigan (Oct 27, 2012)

I posted my story in an earlier thread, but the essentials are that my wife left about 6 months ago and is living with her mom. I take about 60% of the blame. I was drinking too much, at the same time she was spending too much time with her depressed mother. 

I did the 180, loved it. Im in way better shape. Was relatively happy. I did NC for about a month and the next thing I know my wife was showing up at the house, taking me out to dinner, buying me presents, etc.

Now, its been a week since the last time I've seen her. She told me that she moved out of her mom's and is in an apt. She had to move out of her mom's because its a seasonal home that the parents shut during the winter and move south. The wife is going out with girls from work a lot and texting me pictures of them out having fun. She is also getting some counseling, as am I.

While I realize that I caused the ultimate fight that caused her to leave, I think that I am at my breaking point with this. Over the past week she has taken long periods of time to respond to my texts, but then complains that I don't understand that she is working long hours now in order to pay for the apt. I texting her about getting marriage counseling and she said "i dont know"

We are supposed to go out tomorrow night. I am thinking about giving her an ultimatum: either we go to marriage counseling or we are to cease communication. I thought about doing NC again, but honestly at this point I don't even want to deal with her if she is not willing to get help with me. Has anyone tried this??


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Alot of folks have done this...its a most.

many get tired of the emotional torture that this kind of limbo causes. If she can't commit, then its best to detach for you own emotional health.

You have been half @ss attached to her for the last 6 month and it appears you haven't gotten anywere with her, hence the reason she keeps going out while you wait for her.....I think it time to go NC...but hey give it one more shot, expect the same crap from her, but at least you can walk away saying you tried.

Be prepared to hear the some old thing...you know the crap you want to hear ...the crap that keeps you around as plan B. After this little chat you have with her, be prepared for her give you an hour of her time, then go out and meet up with her friends for her GNO.

My point is be prepared for the lip service she will give you, and the actions she has shown you for the last 6 months.

Who knows I could be wrong and she desides to give you more then a few hours of her time.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

It won't work for sure and will make her more distant then she is right now. When I left my first wife she gave me an ultimatum like this and I was laughing about it , my though was - I don't want to even see her but she is giving me ultimatums .


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## ConfusedInMichigan (Oct 27, 2012)

i guess im at the point where i really don't care anymore. if she says yes, great. if she says no, ok.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My point is she won't give you an answer either way...heaven forbid she loses her plan B.

Right now you are competing with the fun your wife is having. BigMac has a point. In fact don't give her an option. Tell her what your plan is " I'm going to marriage counseling, with or with out you, if you show great, if not then I no longer want you in my life".

This kind of statement makes it her choice. In fact make an appointment today and tomorrow give her the date and time. After that, its her move that will confirm your next step.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

the guy said:


> My point is she won't give you an answer either way...heaven forbid she loses her plan B.
> 
> Right now you are competing with the fun your wife is having. BigMac has a point. In fact don't give her an option. Tell her what your plan is " I'm going to marriage counseling, with or with out you, if you show great, if not then I no longer want you in my life".
> 
> This kind of statement makes it her choice. In fact make an appointment today and tomorrow give her the date and time. After that, its her move that will confirm your next step.


:iagree:








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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

the guy said:


> My point is she won't give you an answer either way...heaven forbid she loses her plan B.
> 
> Right now you are competing with the fun your wife is having. BigMac has a point. In fact don't give her an option. Tell her what your plan is " I'm going to marriage counseling, with or with out you, if you show great, if not then I no longer want you in my life".
> 
> This kind of statement makes it her choice. In fact make an appointment today and tomorrow give her the date and time. After that, its her move that will confirm your next step.


I totally agree.

Much stronger.

The other method is clingy.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

the guy said:


> My point is she won't give you an answer either way...heaven forbid she loses her plan B.
> 
> .


Well in my opinion not giving an answer is an answer....NO!! at that point time to move on


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## ConfusedInMichigan (Oct 27, 2012)

thanks for the insight. i think im just going to check out of the relationship.


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## thelostman (Oct 24, 2012)

I agree with theguy, but don't tell her you don't want her in your life if she doesn't show. That will push her further away as well. Just tell her you going to MC, and she welcome to join if she wants. Then your not negative get luck bro.....
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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ConfusedInMichigan said:


> thanks for the insight. i think im just going to check out of the relationship.


Obviously, that's a choice you can make.

Yet, I believe people are sent to us for a reason.

There are things we should learn before we let them go.

Have you learned it?

If you haven't, this will be a lather, rinse, repeat scenario with the next one.


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## ConfusedInMichigan (Oct 27, 2012)

update: she ended up calling me to talk about our plans to go out. I just went ahead and dropped the ultimatum, i just wanted to get done with this. She said she didn't want to go to counseling. but, wants to come over anyway and hang out. Said she doesn't think we can fix the problems, but hasnt made her final decision yet. Said she has realized that she wasn't a good enough wife. Weird stuff. Sounds like a load of crap to me. Maybe she is really confused, she sounds really depressed.

I have learned a lot from this. I made a lot of mistakes. I think I am a better, stronger person and could make my next relationship work a lot better.


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## ConfusedInMichigan (Oct 27, 2012)

update #2: We talked and agreed to go out on a few dates before making any major decisions in regards to counseling, etc. I figure I can give it a few weeks before I make a final decision on this. Thoughts? PS: I spoke earlier about pictures she had sent me when she was out with her girlfriends. She actually brought them up and asked me why I didn't show up to where she was at. I was confused at first, but then went back through my old text messages and sure enough there was a text from her that invited me out that night. I somehow missed it. I think that gives me a bit of a different opinion on why those pics were sent.


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## ConfusedInMichigan (Oct 27, 2012)

I guess im confused because I have this natural urge to go NC, but how do we know when we are reconciling and when we are a plan b?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> but how do we know when we are reconciling and when we are a plan b?


You know you're reconciling when the 'lip service' ends, and the 'doing' begins.

When you see REAL, HONEST, SUBSTANTIVE changes in behavior taking place for weeks (not just days). When you see honest effort made to improve communication. 

When you feel some level of discomfort because you are REQUIRING YOURSELF to make changes in the way you usually act/react.


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## ConfusedInMichigan (Oct 27, 2012)

After talking to her again last night here is my plan. It is designed to keep me sane and to maybe get my wife back. She is all over the place: says never getting back together then five minutes later saying dont expect me to fall right back into your arms right away. She even accused me of being a flip flopper when i told her i would want to get divorced quickly if we dont get back together.??
We are supposed to get together this weekend. When we hang out from now on im going to act like we are dating for the first time. After the phone calls last night we both have aired our grievances. In addition i plan on initiating little of the contact over the next two weeks. Im giving this 2 weeks. If i see some change from her i will continue. If not im going NC and moving on with life. Not an announced NC but just fading away. Thoughts?
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## ConfusedInMichigan (Oct 27, 2012)

Its hard to get advice from people i know who arent going through this. All they say is file for divorce now. Teach her a lesson, etc.
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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

ConfusedInMichigan said:


> I guess im confused because I have this natural urge to go NC, but how do we know when we are reconciling and when we are a plan b?


+ this 




> She said she didn't want to go to counseling. but, wants to come over anyway and hang out. Said she doesn't think we can fix the problems, *but hasnt made her final decision yet*.



= Plan B to me.
I feel for you . I wish my W told me ths, then it would be done very quickly !


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## ConfusedInMichigan (Oct 27, 2012)

maybe im in denial, but i did say in my earlier post that i take 60% of the blame. I was pretty drunk the night she moved out when we argued. I know there is the fear of being a plan b, but i think since I am giving this a 2 week time frame I should know a lot in a short amount of time. I am not initiating contact and I plan on giving her a fun time when we go out this weekend. After that I have to be at peace with whatever she does next.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

I JUST gave my wife the ulimatum on Monday after 3 months of "i dont know" when asked about our relationship. I told her to work on marriage or work on divorce. She chose divorce...and though its early, shows no signs of working on marriage. I had an OM in the picture...how long? she wont say. Obviously he is more in her heart than i was (which she does not deny). At least now i know the path forward....you cant live in limbo waiting for her to decide what to do with you.

There are lots of fish in the sea.....find one that actually wants you...thats my plan.


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## ConfusedInMichigan (Oct 27, 2012)

Thanks for the insights Garry. I know how you feel, you get to a point where internally you just have to move on. I am pretty sure there isnt OM in the picture (the W has been living with her mom...but you never know.) Regardless, this will be an interesting 2 weeks after which I may be, like you, looking for another fish in the sea


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

believe me, i was POSITIVE there was not OM. That is not my wife, she would NEVER do that. First day i caught her on a VAR with OM...and she is actually happy to be divorcing i think.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Garry2012 said:


> believe me, i was POSITIVE there was not OM. That is not my wife, she would NEVER do that. First day i caught her on a VAR with OM...and she is actually happy to be divorcing i think.


For now she is.

Confused in Michigan,

Get a VAR

Get cell phone records

Review text logs

Keylog her computer

How you proceed depends on the presence of posOM.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

ConfusedInMichigan said:


> maybe im in denial, but i did say in my earlier post that i take 60% of the blame. I was pretty drunk the night she moved out when we argued. I know there is the fear of being a plan b, but i think since I am giving this a 2 week time frame I should know a lot in a short amount of time. I am not initiating contact and I plan on giving her a fun time when we go out this weekend. After that I have to be at peace with whatever she does next.



even if you take 120% of the blame, being Plan B is the worst 
I'm for 99% sure I'm her plan B and later will test it , as soon as I'm 100% sure , I'll be very happy because I won't have the pain anymore and will be glad to get rid of her ASAP


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

YES bigmac, though i am sad she mad the choice to divorce, not being plan b, and knowing your future path is MUCH better. 

I would have continued being plan b for at least two more months...

Funny, after 5 hours of arguing (yes i took monday off to do this), we sat down and talked...she laughed with me for the first time in months. It cleared the air....air that was SO full of stress and hatred. She was afraid to tell me she doesnt love me, well, i could have figured she didnt. Once we got all that out, we actually made dinner together. She still wants out...dont get me wrong...and we will have some rough days, but she somewhat understands why im upset (who wouldnt be), and i can somewhat relate to her stress level. 

If anything, it cleared the air. You can only ignore the elephant in the room so long, it drives you crazy.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

ConfusedInMichigan said:


> I was drinking too much, at the same time she was spending too much time with her depressed mother.


Who says she was spending "too much time" with her depressed mother? Besides you that is.

Obviously she didn't think it was too much time, and perhaps that isn't your call to make. Sometimes you just gotta let them go and do what they feel is important even if that means they aren't given you the needed attention.

She probably resents you for making a big deal about the time spent with her mom, or she was using mom as an excuse not to spend time with you, which of course is a sign of bigger issues here.



ConfusedInMichigan said:


> I did NC for about a month and the next thing I know my wife was showing up at the house, taking me out to dinner, buying me presents, etc.


Well that sounds rather promising. 



ConfusedInMichigan said:


> Now, its been a week since the last time I've seen her. She told me that she moved out of her mom's and is in an apt.


She moved out of mom's.. and not back with you. It appears that she's no longer spending all that time with mom and she has chosen not to spend it with you, therefore my second theory appears correct, she doesn't want to be around you all that much. Back to the deeper issues that you don't address anywhere in this thread.



ConfusedInMichigan said:


> While I realize that I caused the ultimate fight that caused her to leave


There's a lot more to this than just one bad fight. You need to deal with.. once again.. the deeper issues, not these superficial things like a sick mom or a drinking problem on your part. Otherwise nothing will ever change. 



ConfusedInMichigan said:


> , I think that I am at my breaking point with this. Over the past week she has taken long periods of time to respond to my texts, but then complains that I don't understand that she is working long hours now in order to pay for the apt. I texting her about getting marriage counseling and she said "i dont know"


She's not responsive to your text, she's not interested in marriage counseling, she's got her own apartment, the writing is on the wall. 



ConfusedInMichigan said:


> We are supposed to go out tomorrow night. I am thinking about giving her an ultimatum: either we go to marriage counseling or we are to cease communication. I thought about doing NC again, but honestly at this point I don't even want to deal with her if she is not willing to get help with me. Has anyone tried this??


Ultimatums never work. You can't force someone to want to be with you, she'll resent you more and she'll almost definitely leave even if it works for a brief time.

Sounds like you broke NC too quickly. She started to miss you, to gain respect for the "new, independent" you, and then you buckled and here you are chasing her and asking her those weak questions about marriage counseling and why isn't she responding to your texts.

Stop contacting her and let her come to you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

My wife resisted until I made an appointment. Then she showed up to conttrol and monitor what went on. Turrns out she fears therapy and she has stuff she wanted to hide.

Figure out what you want and what your line in the sand is. Sometimrs you have to push her past her ccomfort zone.
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