# When to confront



## Penique (Sep 19, 2011)

I've been married to my wife for 20 years. While we have made it this far, it's not always been smooth sailing. She has had two previous affairs with coworkers. One was 13 years ago, an EA which eventually became physical but us moving away stopped the relationship. We did go to counseling and work through the issues. Everything seemed to be back on track.

Fast forward to 5 years ago, when my wife again hooked up with another coworker at a new job. A whole another round of counseling and working through the issues. Somehow we stayed together when I think most couples would not have survived going through it again. 

With that history behind us, it still makes it difficult to completely trust her even though I have forgiven her for the past mistakes. I often find myself suspicious at times, not to the point of needing to ask her if anything is going on but just wondering the back of my mind if something could happen yet again. 

I try not to smother or invade privacy, so she has plenty of privacy. I don't read her emails or have her Facebook password. 

Recently I came upon texts she has been exchanging with another coworker. She had asked me to help troubleshoot an issue on her phone, otherwise I'm sure I would not have had a clue to be worried. The texts were not blatantly sexual, nor considered "sexting" in my book. But, they were definitely suggestive and flirtatious. 

So I am again at the point of being concerned and wondering what is going on with her. Being someone who has faced this in the past, I do know all of the normal reactions and the need to confront her. But, I fully know I cannot face another round of counseling and promises if she again is having some kind of inappropriate relationship with another man. It would be time for her to leave. 

I'm struggling with whether I should drop the news that I saw the texts and confront it all now or keep my radar focused on her and check emails/facebook for more signs before that.

It's all just a depressing spiral to go through.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry you are here.You might ask a moderator to move this to the Coping With Infidelity forum.You shouldn't feel bad about checking up on your wife as you'll find that transparency is a key must have in reconciliation.The posters in CWI offer some excellent advice.


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## Penique (Sep 19, 2011)

Thanks for the forum suggestion. You are right, it's more line with coping and yet again wondering about faithfulness after affairs of the past.


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Pretty sure after two affairs, she's given up the right to "flirt" with anyone except you. I would say that's definitely something you should approach her about.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

I don't know if I could have forgiven once, let alone twice... I would recommend going 007 and finding out if this is really happening. If so, I say three strikes and you're out.

I would second TBT's suggestion and move this to CWI.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

When? Now. As soon as you see it. However, if she's veering that way, she's not likely to admit it. So you have to weigh your response to that possibility. If you're certain you will end it if there's an affair, gather more evidence.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. She's shown you what she's capable of not once, but twice, and you are still there.

This is your call. How bad do you feel about what you found? If it's bad enough to blow up the bridge then do it.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Really now. Two affairs with what is clearly a budding third one, and you're wondering about what to do? Hell, are you sure there weren't more than 2 previous affairs? And after two affairs you think it's acceptable to keep privacy in your marriage? 

If I were you, I'd bug out on this marriage. Things aren't going to change. The question is do you need to know any more than you already do? FYI, it's bad.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

She is, at the very very least, on a very slippery slope! 

And you give her too much privacy. You should have access to whatever your heart desires -- facebook, email accounts, etc. She lost her right to privacy the first time she decided to f**k around on you. 

I'm sorry you are here again. This isn't the life you should be living. Nothing is more soul sucking than being cheated on.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Wasn't the subject of her boundaries with OSF ever discussed in counselling? Does she have a problem with impulse control?

With one affair in a marriage, she should have no personal interaction with the opposite sex. It's astonishing she has had two affairs and is still allowed to have OSF. 

I couldn't handle waiting to confront her and him. Then again I would just give her the divorce papers. JMO

Good luck.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

How did you find out about the first 2 affairs? There could be more then just those 2. 

I wouldn't even confront her. Just file for divorce and have her served, possibly at work to expose her too. She is a serial cheater. And no amount of counseling seems to work.


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## Dayhiker (Mar 5, 2011)

Personally at this point I'd be tired of mate guarding and file for divorce. No further evidence would be needed for me with that kind of history.

She is a serial cheater so if you choose to stay you should actually be OK with it and it sounds like you aren't. You would be better off finding a loyal woman.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

You needed the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley after the first affair and the odds would of been in your favor that there would of been no 2nd and no 3rd affair.

Recovery is more then your WW saying sorry and you forgiving her.

Get the book ASAP. There is so much you need to learn, and learn fast so you can save your marriage.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

If you don't have any kids, it's time to move on. It's clear she has a deep problem with this type of behavior. Just be upfront and say she should be with someone who is okay with that type of behavior. For you it is a deal breaker.


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## Haru2013 (Oct 23, 2013)

Does your wife make more money than you do? The reason why I ask you is sounds like she KNOWS you do not want to destroy the marriage because you love extra money to accomodate your habits, such as expensive car, nice house, expensive clothes, trips and so on. 

In the meantime, she feels it's OK to have another man/men in her life because she gets stressed-out because of her heavy work duty to accomodate your expensive habit. 

To me, .... it all depens on situation you have. Through the experience, some of women who are bread-winner(make more money than their husbands) domineering, demanding and more physical stamina(sex), even not engage affairs. 

Then, you need to think about this area, whether you get financial rewards from her. Simply, if you enjoy life with more money than you can afford, then might not put all blames on her behaviour. In that case, she might say, .... making a good money is NOT easy, then I need some enjoyment in her life,... sex with other men. Doing affairs with other men is also 'thrill,' if not adventure. Before marriage to you, she had several boyfriends except you? Or, she was faithful to you prior to make a commitment? 

Since there is only one-side story, that's you, .... it's hard to make a fair judgment. All depends, ....


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Sorry but if after you forgave her ONCE, she did it again, she would have not deserved a third chance. Much less the fourth !
She's doing it again, or she's on the process of doing it again. It's on her mind anyway. You can confront her, but she'll deny. Nothing you can do, just divorce her. She's a serial cheater and will not change.
However is too late to get your pair back now. Why on earth do you not have all her passwords and complete transparency from her? You should have demanded it the first time, no negotiations. That's why she did it again. And if you stay with her, she'll do it again, and again. Cut her loose. She's not even worth it.
Find a decent woman and live well, this is the best revenge.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry, you are here.

Understand that I am not blaming you for her affairs. 

She had an affair, she didn't lose you, she didn't lose her life style and her punishment was a move plus you BOTH went to counseling. 

She had another affair she he didn't lose you, she didn't lose her life style and her punishment was you BOTH went to counseling. 

Why not try a third? 

Look things happen and I know most marriage problems are normally equal. Yet, you worked on them and she still did it again. 

I agree with H, with two rounds of counseling and a double dose of failure your wife appears to be a serial cheater.



> Does your wife make more money than you do? The reason why I ask you is sounds like she KNOWS you do not want to destroy the marriage because you love extra money to accomodate your habits, such as expensive car, nice house, expensive clothes, trips and so on.


How did you get this from his two posts?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Penique said:


> I try not to smother or invade privacy, so she has plenty of privacy. I don't read her emails or have her Facebook password.
> 
> Recently I came upon texts she has been exchanging with another coworker. She had asked me to help troubleshoot an issue on her phone, otherwise I'm sure I would not have had a clue to be worried. The texts were not blatantly sexual, nor considered "sexting" in my book. But, they were definitely suggestive and flirtatious.


 First of all, the first affair you could consider a "mistake", the second isn't. After the second affair, you had the choice of either giving her the bums rush out of the house along with her hat and coat or correcting her behavior and by correcting, I mean that she should have been put on notice that her passwords on her phone and computer are now your passwords and you will check them at your choosing and if she deletes any of them, she's gone. 

What you don't seem to understand is after her second affair, she should have lost all of her privacy. Hell, in my book she would have been gone but in your case the only privacy she should have had was going to the bathroom and I would have installed saloon doors where the bathroom door was. Your fault.

Friend. The problem you have right now is you are your own worst enemy. Your asking for it. You can only pull up stakes and move so many times but by being Mister Nice Guy and respecting her privacy, you may as well give her the green light to pull a train because as long as she knows your going to only go through the motions and to her is Mickey Mouse, she's going to keep it up at your expense. Wake up and either lay out boundaries that she going to follow to the letter or boot her ass out. My boundaries would be at the edge of the property which she wouldn't be allowed to be near except to be looking at her old house from the street.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

If the texts were from her, that should be enough. If the incriminating texts were only received by her, she will likely minimize and say they were unsolicited. 

Play your cards carefully and decide if you want to gather more evidence before confronting as advised above. The texts, let alone prior affairs give you justification to look further.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hey man, I can't type and I sure as hell can't spell, but 3 years ago I signed up to my 1st and only forum cuz my old lady phucked around on me for 13 years.

I finaly confronted her and there are no second chance were to damn old for that sh1t...its now or never.

Anyway back to point.

I would think that your words are done, lets put a fork in them cuz your old lady is back to some bad behavior *again*...OK she may not be banging another coworker but WTF ...she sure as hell ain't affair proofing the marriage with this bull crap...

I mean its behavioral science 101...bad behavior continues with out consequences!!!!

IDK what you did the last 2X as far as consequences go but all the counseling and other bull crap appears not to have taken hold in affair proofing your old ladies marriage.

damn it man I could go on with all the crap i have read here and what I have experience, but at the end of the day I'm thinking its time for action not words...let your chick figure out why she is losing her husband...

Whats crazy, is she won't have a clue and will rewrite the marriage.


So ya go James Bond on he @ss and expose this crap before confronting her and then just walk away. Granted she will be pissed off to see *her* man standing up for him self but at the end of the day no matter how much she hates it she has to respect it!

She would do the same damn thing to you if the shoe was on the other foot!


Have you exposed this behavior before? If so then get the hell out with out a word. If not, then again, go dig up the dirt and finish this once and for all.


I mean really who has the balls to screw around, get caught ...TWICE...and then go at it again...so for the sake of arguement flirtatius text to some other swinging penis???? no other crap (ya right) but for the sake of arguement!

Dude your old lady has a behavioral issue!

Let some other swing penis deal with her validation, commitment, entitlement, date rape, or uncle joe touched her issue.

I mean come its round 3 and your questioning your gut??

Dude don't be like me and bury your head in the sand only to wake up in the middle of the night to find your wife gone, waking up the next morning next to her like nothing happened.

This sh1t can go on and on enless you have the strenght to stop tolorating it, just like some poeple can go on and on with this temptation, even at the cost of their family.

So ya gather more proof, but don't expect a good out come.

at the end of the day what is the goal here in finding out something you already know?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

what privacy is it that your wife needs? What needs to be kept private from her husband?
I am curious what level of doormat is it that rationalizes this? after 2 affairs. 
You ask when to confront..? I would say after the first affair would have been a great time to have my guard up, if I decided to reconcile, after the second affair, I would have certainly realized my first mistake and gone, at minimum, a different direction then the obviously poor first route taken.
Now you find flirty texts? I would not waste my time confronting her. You need to confront yourself and fast. Forget her, leave her like a deuce in the toilet. Dump, flush, repeat.
Seriously man? WTF are you doing? You need to become a man again. She is trash. Who ever you think she is, is not who she is... You are pretending to yourself she is an ideal of her that does not exist..She is not to be trusted with your emotions. She is not to be trusted as faithful ever again. She is incapable. 
Or just confront her whenever you wish and allow her to do whatever she does that causes you to kneel to her.

Sorry about the harsh words, but you need some tough love IMO.
Wake up call needs to happen for you, she is a lost cause.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@ngng, it makes sence, when two become one, you would figure that privacy is something the both spouse share in and can connect with...I mean after all their best friends, and sharingsecrets is half the fun.

But when a spouse can't behave like their SO is always next to them even when they are not, then I guess that whole best friend idea goes down the toilet.

I think she may not be a lost cause, but that OP needs to go stealth and throw her consistant behavior in his wifes face.

A statement that tells Mrs. Penique that there is a new sheriff and he ain't gona control his wife, and in the same breath he ain't going to share his wife.


Poor guy was so worried about being labeled controling he forgot to protect his marriage, and got screwed again.


Let me say, its time to confront when no matter what happens or how it turns out you are confident enough to move on with or with out them.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

the guy said:


> @ngng, it makes sence, when two become one, you would figure that privacy is something the both spouse share in and can connect with...I mean after all their best friends, and sharingsecrets is half the fun.
> 
> But when a spouse can't behave like their SO is always next to them even when they are not, then I guess that whole best friend idea goes down the toilet.
> 
> ...


she may not be a lost cause in the game of life. I agree. The damage to him, the utter disrespect for him, the ability to do this over and over. IMO is a lost cause. Serial cheaters are a disaster unlike any other. They are the most repulsive of people, they do not deserve friends and certainly do not deserve spouses. With any relationship, be it friendship or more being based on trust, how do you trust her again with out being a schmuck? Not that he is, and the amount of times he is willing to allow this is up to him, but new sheriff in town...Nope, she is too selfish for this to be a lasting effect type of thing, but it may get him to the next town and her next job.


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