# Divorce is Inevitable - How should I act?



## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

My wife of 4 years and I have our second group counseling appointment tomorrow. We have no kids. I am 39, her 36.

We had our initial one, and then our 1 on 1s.

I know that in her 1 and 1 with the counselor, she said that she is ready to move on.

I doubt we will hit a major breakthrough tomorrow. I am guessing that it is just wrapping things up.

Having said that, my wife said that she wants to work together to finalize things, without lawyers. We own a house that I cannot afford on my own, and she needs to look for a place, so we may be together for a month or two. Hopefully not too long.

I would still like to try and work this out (she gave me the 'i love you, but not in love with you')

Given these things, how should I act while we are essentially roommates? I assume at least polite so that she doesn't change her mind about lawyers. But what about wooing her back?

Thank you


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

She's already checked out. I would be more concerned with working on yourself at this point. 

What are the reasons she said she doesn't love you? Do you have an anger issue, are you verbally abusive?

Whatever the reasons, get help to fix them so when you get involved with someone else down the road, you'll be a better person and have a better chance at a happy marriage

For now, be as pleasant as possible with your soon to be ex. If you can do this without lawyers you'll save a ton of money


----------



## hubbyfetish (Oct 2, 2012)

I agree to being as pleasant as possible and do everything possible to make this easy on both of you. Work though the issues that you have, continue 1 on 1 cousling to help you cope through the process.

As far as doing it without lawyers....yes it will save you money, but depending on your situation it might be good to have one. As you work through the process....you might want to talk to one. Most give free consult. I am not just saying this guy to guy.....if she was on here asking, I would say the same thing to her.


----------



## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

Toffer said:


> She's already checked out. I would be more concerned with working on yourself at this point.
> 
> What are the reasons she said she doesn't love you? Do you have an anger issue, are you verbally abusive?
> 
> ...


I'm not verbally abusive. We have our occasional yelling fights, but nothing like that. We haven't had intimacy in about 6-9 months and have had a lot of stress in our marriage from changing jobs and moving a lot.

I am trying to be pleasant. She is being cold but polite. But she does things that I just don't get. Like I grilled, and she wouldn't eat it -- and then made pasta 30 minutes later.

Little stuff like that. 

Another weird thing is that she has not talked to any of her friends about it. The only sounding board she's using, according to her, is a divorced coworker. Not even talking to her friend of 15 years, who was her 'best man' at the wedding. And he's a psychologist.

It feels like 3 weeks ago I was asking her to talk to jumpstart working on our marriage. Now all of a sudden she's on a bullettrain out.


----------



## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

Toffer said:


> She's already checked out. I would be more concerned with working on yourself at this point.
> 
> What are the reasons she said she doesn't love you? Do you have an anger issue, are you verbally abusive?
> 
> ...


To answer your question directly, by the way (because I rambled) 

Reasons Why:

- She has changed as a person
- We would be better with other people
- I feel alone


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Is the "divorced co-worker" male?


----------



## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Is the "divorced co-worker" male?


No, she's female. I know who she is.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

CaConfused said:


> No, she's female. I know who she is.


Okay although this divorced co-worker could be putting ideas in her head. I don't think discussing marital problems with co-workers if ever a good idea.


----------



## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

I agree with both points.

This is why I feel so 'cheated'. She is not listening or talking to anyone that could help her pause, take a breath, and think about this. She's been solitary and traveling (for work) since we had the talk.

Our group counseling meeting is today. I think it will just be a formality at this point. I can't believe how she's acting. It's like a switch flipped the minute I began the conversation 3 weeks ago by saying "It seems like we're separate islands lately, can we talk?"


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Yes, odd that she is not talking with trusted family or friends almost like she's hiding something she doesn't want them to know.

Her reasons for wanting out ring a bit hollow after only 4 yrs. How long did you date? What is the real reason of no sex for 6-9 mos.? Moving, job changes & stress do not cut it.

I apologize for being suspicious. I have been married for 4 yrs. now. If my husband was acting like your wife is I would go all Magnum PI over the situation.

Oh, I hate the line "We would be better with other people" so patronizing.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Could it be her divorced co-worker is looking for a wingman? Do they socialize after work and go out at all?


----------



## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

Yes, they do. They now go out every Friday.

Your suggestion is entirely possible.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I agree with Emerald, your story sounds very suspicious. What event happened at the time intimacy stopped? Have you done any investigating to see if she is having any contact with another male? Checked her phone records or computer history?


----------



## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Yes, odd that she is not talking with trusted family or friends almost like she's hiding something she doesn't want them to know.
> 
> Her reasons for wanting out ring a bit hollow after only 4 yrs. How long did you date? What is the real reason of no sex for 6-9 mos.? Moving, job changes & stress do not cut it.
> 
> ...


You articulated the way I feel.

I went Magnum PI and couldn't find any evidence. One thing that could be happening is that she has her sights on someone, but hasn't acted on it yet. I am not sure. 

We went to counseling and the counseler pointed out the stress, etc, that I mentioned. I don't think it cuts it either. She never sat down with me to have a conversation about it anytime recently. It was me that tried.


----------



## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> I agree with Emerald, your story sounds very suspicious. What event happened at the time intimacy stopped? Have you done any investigating to see if she is having any contact with another male? Checked her phone records or computer history?


Yes, there's nothing. Much of it is on my end. I stopped trying for a variety of reasons. Resentment, being sad, her and I not being on the same page as to when we 'wanted it.', her feeling self conscious because of weight gain.

By the way, shes lost 15 lbs in the last 2 months. She looks amazing. Never did that during our marriage. Probably prepping for being single.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

CaConfused said:


> Yes, there's nothing. Much of it is on my end. I stopped trying for a variety of reasons. Resentment, being sad, her and I not being on the same page as to when we 'wanted it.', her feeling self conscious because of weight gain.
> 
> By the way, shes lost 15 lbs in the last 2 months. She looks amazing. Never did that during our marriage. Probably prepping for being single.


Then would you say; You both built up resentment that each of you were not getting your needs meet and you both gave up trying? Now that she decided to move on, you are motivated to try again?


----------



## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Then would you say; You both built up resentment that each of you were not getting your needs meet and you both gave up trying? Now that she decided to move on, you are motivated to try again?


Not neccessarily.

During the summer, maybe 6 weeks the above was true.

But then I realized my priorities and woke up. For about a month I began trying to re-engage.

I tried to plan a vacation.

I tried to talk to her about it.

She pushed me off for about 3 weeks and right after, the talk finally happened that triggered it all.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

OK, then you didn't know she gave up and she decided to move on and you were still trying to reengage her. 

I agree that if there isn't someone else, she is actively testing the waters and out looking for someone to replace you. Still, stay alert there may be someone in the picture and you've been in the dark about it. 

In the absence of an OM, I believe you only have one way to react at this time. You need to work on you and prepare to be a better man with whatever the future brings. Are you familiar with 180 List This will help you deal with your emotions and she will see that you are disengaging. This will have a side effect that she will no longer see you as clingy and may turn her head, but that should not be your goal. Your goal should be to learn that you can be happy with yourself and you don't need her or anyone else to make you a whole person. You may wan to read and familiarize yourself with some of the divorce books by Michele Weiner-Davis. Divorce Busting®


----------



## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Okay although this divorced co-worker could be putting ideas in her head. I don't think discussing marital problems with co-workers if ever a good idea.


When it came to arguments at home, one of the biggest obstacles I've had in over 20 years married to resolving marital conflicts has been the lousy advice of her girl friends. I personally never ask work friends for martial advice because I think it's not only bad form but a source of bad advice. I'll ask my parents or someone close enough that actually loves and cares about both of us. If none are available, I'll rely on an expert.

Ladies please take note - your gossipy neurotic female friends at work are just as bad at giving advice as our male dimwitted beer swilling football friends are.


----------



## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> OK, then you didn't know she gave up and she decided to move on and you were still trying to reengage her.
> 
> I agree that if there isn't someone else, she is actively testing the waters and out looking for someone to replace you. Still, stay alert there may be someone in the picture and you've been in the dark about it.
> 
> In the absence of an OM, I believe you only have one way to react at this time. You need to work on you and prepare to be a better man with whatever the future brings. Are you familiar with 180 List This will help you deal with your emotions and she will see that you are disengaging. This will have a side effect that she will no longer see you as clingy and may turn her head, but that should not be your goal. Your goal should be to learn that you can be happy with yourself and you don't need her or anyone else to make you a whole person. You may wan to read and familiarize yourself with some of the divorce books by Michele Weiner-Davis. Divorce Busting®


Thank you so much for your advice and understanding. The 180 list seems informative for moving on. In this case, however, it does not seem like it would have a chance of changing her mind in this situation. Do you agree?


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Are you invited on these "Friday nights GNO's?"


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

CaConfused said:


> Thank you so much for your advice and understanding. The 180 list seems informative for moving on. In this case, however, it does not seem like it would have a chance of changing her mind in this situation. Do you agree?


Yes I agree, the 180 is for you not the marriage. If divorce is inevitable and you're resigned to that, use it for yourself. 

I also give you the link for the books "Divorce Remedy" and "Divorce Busters" if it is your wish to continue to try to R, use them as a guide.


----------



## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Are you invited on these "Friday nights GNO's?"


No, they are with her work friends. They always go to Karoake.

She used to invite me to them. But certainly not now. Also, she used to not even go because she wanted to spend time with me.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

CaConfused said:


> No, they are with her work friends. They always go to Karoake.
> 
> She used to invite me to them. But certainly not now. Also, she used to not even go because she wanted to spend time with me.


Ouch. Sorry......


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

i would have a friend who she don't know follow her on gno.


----------



## Gunthar (Sep 2, 2012)

CaConfused said:


> Yes, there's nothing. Much of it is on my end. I stopped trying for a variety of reasons. Resentment, being sad, her and I not being on the same page as to when we 'wanted it.', her feeling self conscious because of weight gain.
> 
> By the way, shes lost 15 lbs in the last 2 months. She looks amazing. Never did that during our marriage. Probably prepping for being single.


Well.....in my case my wife started going out, lost 30lbs, got a new hairstyle, dressed up.........and began having EAs while thinking of life being better without me and the kids (snooping provided that info).

Big RED FLAG when she starts focusing on herself and changing her look....for who? You or someone else?

If you want to make it work let me suggest reading MMSL as well as do a 180 as others suggested. Focus on yourself, up your sex rank, up your alpha and get her to notice you again.

Then again if you know the towel has been thrown in by you or her.....


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Stay strong and don't be afraid to lose your wife. Mine was just like yours she is getting better WE are getting better.

You have to operate from a position of strength always... my wife did not "like" discussing our marriage but she NEEDED IT..... again. This time I did not let her wiggle out of it. WE discussed our marriage for well over an hour pretty much re-counting all previous communication and getting her to state a few obvious items so she can be held accountable. She chose again a marriage path vs divorce path. Checkpoint in January.

NO ONE likes to be told they flat out aren't meeting YOUR NEEDS. She thought she was... she was WRONG. How can she be meeting MY NEEDS when she withholds my #1 need of her? A: SHE CAN'T.


NO one... but if your wife has childhood emotional trauma and refuses to seek any help "I don't want to be educated" then YOU as her husband have to EDUCATE HER whether she wants it or not. When she is wrong..she's wrong! I put a stop to 100'2 of texts to a guy I DO NOT KNOW. Talked to him, talked to her.... don't accept bad behaviors.

My wife is re-living her teenage years at late-40's because hers were messed up. I have to treat her like my daughter when we talk. She buries her head in the sand and is unwilling to do what needs done without consequences.

Daughters need consequences to THEIR bad behaviors.

Do not be afraid of your wife...fix her. Tough love.
REMEMBER...you have the inside track.
You are not necessary dealing with undamaged mental goods.
I love my wife but she is a numero uno GRUDGE HOLDER... that does not fly with me.
There is no room for grudges or cruel punishment (withholding sex) in a marriage.
She picked the wrong person to say ILYNILWY (I use that against her) all that did was wake me up to an opportunity to fix my marriage permanently. She loves me but holds a grudge still because I stood up to her and called out all of her bad behaviors. She usually just writes you off...being her spouse she HAS to deal with me. She started it I finish it. Full circle.

She underestimated how I operate. She thought she could 'control" me she can't.
I don't like to lose. I'm a pretty darn good Chess player. I never once wavered from loving my wife.

I won't go back to the old one in which my needs (or her needs) weren't met.
Its a game.... short term pain for lifetime gain.
Mine has four years to fix this on her end. Time is ticking.
All marital conflicts need FULLY resolved in a "reasonable time frame"
State your reasonable position and don't back down... wait for her to accept the new terms.

Ever gone fishing?... No slack in the line. You be in control not her (she's lousy at it)

Simple formula...

Fix yourself over time (commitment) ...state needs (repeatedly don't waiver)... hold spouse accountable for inaction (Choose a path) in time this will work.

She may not like it... because YOU seize the power back from her. In the end she'll love it.
Redefine roles. Look at every challenge as an OPPORTUNITY. Have a PLAN.

OP have you looked DEEP in the mirror? Have you fixed yourself?
Do that THEN fix your wife. No quick fix. LEAD your wife to a better marriage with a better man.

Also... ditch the counseling sessions! You take control. This is between you and your wife!
Divorce can be avoided. IF you lead her .


----------



## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Stay strong and don't be afraid to lose your wife. Mine was just like yours she is getting better WE are getting better.
> 
> You have to operate from a position of strength always... my wife did not "like" discussing our marriage but she NEEDED IT..... again. This time I did not let her wiggle out of it. WE discussed our marriage for well over an hour pretty much re-counting all previous communication and getting her to state a few obvious items so she can be held accountable. She chose again a marriage path vs divorce path. Checkpoint in January.
> 
> ...


Yesterday in counseling she told me it is over. Her tank is "empty". There is no more rope. 90% of the session was her telling me what I did wrong. I just said I agreed with everything politely. I cried a few times. So did she.

Couples counseling is over. She didn't want to continue because she doesn't "want to give me false hope".

Yesterday, after counseling, I just went out with friends. Didn't tell her where I went - came in at 1am.

Today and Thursday I am also going out. 

I am in great shape now.

I am trying to process your advice, but beyond being polite, going out a lot.. how else do i take control with someone who is checked out?

If it is easier to describe over the phone, I would be happy to Skype you!

Thanks so much


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She's probably checked out a long time ago and this is the culmination of everything.

How to act? Practically. Treat her cordially, as you would a co-worker--polite but not over the top. You don't have to discuss anything with her other than legalities related to the divorce.

Keep your emotions out of it.


----------



## CaConfused (Sep 10, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> She's probably checked out a long time ago and this is the culmination of everything.
> 
> How to act? Practically. Treat her cordially, as you would a co-worker--polite but not over the top. You don't have to discuss anything with her other than legalities related to the divorce.
> 
> Keep your emotions out of it.


She definitely has. In this case, is there anything that can make her think twice?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No. If she is done, then she's done. You can't "make" her do or think anything.

I can tell you what isn't attractive & will push he farther away: begging, crying, pleading w/ her to stay with you, moping, etc. Find your confidence, get out there, buy a new shirt, call up old friends. You must convey tat you have accepted it but that you aren't going to stand in front of the door if she wants to leave. 

Some times when you give them a little wiggle room and they don't feel trappd to leave, they actually end up thinking, Hey wait--maybe I am not really sure I want to go. 

Sometimes.

BUT I can assure you that pressuring her or acting all doormat-ish is NOT going to attract her to you. It has the opposite effect.

What things did you contribute to this? Think about it and work to improve those things so you do not repeat them in a new relationship. Also find out what things she did that were dealbreakers/incompatible things with you and vow to not go after that in a new relationship.


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Have you two already agreed on a divorce?


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

OP, if you haven't already done so, I suggest you try to find an attorney who can steer you through this situation.
I think she has been gone from the marriage since before the two of you were last intimate and the Friday Night entertainment has included your replacement.
It would be nice to not feel the need to involve legal help, but I doubt that you are seeing the complete picture as it really is.


----------

