# Wife of 23 years wants to leave, how to cope?



## gtsanchez (Sep 26, 2010)

I am hoping that some of you might have been through something similar. I have been married to the love of my life for 23 years. She is the only woman I have ever loved, and she has loved me as well. It sounds like a storybook marriage, but there is one problem. I have never (even as a child) learned to love myself. I am smart, pretty good looking, personable, kind, caring, and am a great father, but I still cannot feel worthy of love! For 23 years, she could never show me enough love to make me feel completely loved. I have continually sabotaged attempts and opportunities for intimacy and continually hurt her in the process. After such a lengthy amount of time, she has decided that she cannot take it any more and may want to leave.

I love this woman with ALL my heart, and have beaten myself up over my inability to feel loved SOOO many times to the point of wanting to die (when I was younger). I started therapy a couple of years ago, and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I have made great strides in coping and can go for periods of time where I am okay, but eventually the same issues come back. I have come to realize that I will never feel completely loved until I can love myself. I am working very hard on this, but it is difficult and takes time. It seems that in the past few years, her tolerence for these breakdowns has become less and less to the point that she may now want to leave.

We are currently living in the same house (I sleep downstairs), and are civil to each other. My big problem right now is how to cope with the anxiety and fear that I may lose her while being strong and working on my own self image? It is so hard to see her, talk to her, and be just casual friends. I just want to get back to the point where I could hold and touch her! I know that I have to be strong, work on myself, and let her make her decision on her own, but it is so tough. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> I have never (even as a child) learned to love myself.... and have beaten myself up over my inability to feel loved SOOO many times to the point of wanting to die (when I was younger).


Sanchez, it sounds like you may have an injury to your emotional core that started in early childhood, perhaps when you were 2 or 3. Do you know if you parents were having an upheaval or problems when you were a young child? If you are unable to feel loved by your W, you also may have trouble trusting her (otherwise, you would believe her when she says she loves you). Is that so?


> I started therapy a couple of years ago, and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.


What kind of therapist? I ask because a life-long problem with extremely low self image sounds like a problem that goes much deeper than depression and anxiety. Therapists, like the members of any other profession, vary GREATLY in their abilities and skill sets. Therapists and counselors have a huge range of credentials and licenses. Indeed, folks calling themselves "therapists" can have any one of more than 50 different degrees or credentials, as shown at Therapy Center | Credentials.


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## gtsanchez (Sep 26, 2010)

Hi and thank you for your post!



> Sanchez, it sounds like you may have an injury to your emotional core that started in early childhood, perhaps when you were 2 or 3. Do you know if you parents were having an upheaval or problems when you were a young child? If you are unable to feel loved by your W, you also may have trouble trusting her (otherwise, you would believe her when she says she loves you). Is that so?


I don't remember anything traumatic from my early childhood. My parents seemed happy when I was younger. When I was 9 or 10, I can remember fighting, and they divorced when I was 14. I cannot recall anything other than I had a father that was never satisfied with anything I did. He also moved every year until the divorce (he could not stay in one spot), so I never developed friends growing up. I think that is the main reason I felt so alone always. I was a bit of an awkward kid growing up, and never felt comfortable with myself.



> What kind of therapist? I ask because a life-long problem with extremely low self image sounds like a problem that goes much deeper than depression and anxiety. Therapists, like the members of any other profession, vary GREATLY in their abilities and skill sets. Therapists and counselors have a huge range of credentials and licenses. Indeed, folks calling themselves "therapists" can have any one of more than 50 different degrees or credentials, as shown at Therapy Center | Credentials.


My therapist is actually quite good and credentialed. She is an LICSW and PHD. I have been seeing her for about 2 years and trust her very much.

I have actually gotten much better at seeing my good qualities, and am MUCH more comfortable with myself. I have finally learned to accept that my wife may not want to stay with me, and it is not under MY control. The hardest part is the anxiety of not wanting that to happen. I dearly love this woman, and I do not want to be without her! As far as problems go, ours seem very minute (to me that is). I am hopeful that she can forgive the past and look at me in the present, but that may not happen (there lies the tragedy). I am just having a really hard time dealing with that prospect.

Thanks again for the reply!


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## gfl (Aug 16, 2010)

Anxiety and depression are very closely related more the often one accompanies the other. I have been dealing with mostly anxiety for some time now ,(30 years),and have always felt I needed more intimate time with my significant other. That has always been a serious concern of mine. I have limited our family vacations because I don’t care to fly but have on rare occasions. I have had numerous anxiety/SVT attacks that where helped when the sleep apnea was treated as well as the ant-anxiety meds when needed, There is certainly a hole in you’re heart that needs to be filled. You’re wife is certainly you’re “Safety Net” and to lose that is scary for you . For me it wasn’t till I started seeking God did I get better .It is when you feel that you have nothing to lose because you know deep down that God will provide and is always looking out for you does the anxiety subside…you start to fear less , be dependent less on others for you’re emotional needs, it is then you will start to live and love yourself and others more…even at the point where death doesn’t scare you as much because God is there for you ….now I still have my issues when I sleep in a different place and/or on vacation I am just naturally an anxious person that’s when I take the xanax…but only on occasion when trying to sleep… You are still guided to use you’re common sense/tools/doctors needed don’t throw caution to the wind…When big life changing events happen you don’t you don’t have to face them alone …cry out to God for help…sit on God’s couch and pour you’re soul out to him. He is the great physician and will guide you... I still have my issues but even close to what they where and this always helps me …


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Sanchez, are you finding it difficult to trust your W in general, e.g., do you become jealous? Do you find it especially hard to feel she is still emotionally connected to you when she is out of sight, as when she goes out of town?


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## gtsanchez (Sep 26, 2010)

qfl,

I thank you for the advice. Being an athiest, I can't really take much comfort in that. I can see where giving control to something external is comforting, even if I view it as self delusion. The 12 step program for alcoholics is big on that. I still have major anxiety issues, but have made good progress on the depression issues. It is certainly tougher for someone like me to dissipate the anxiety when I can only internalize it.


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## gtsanchez (Sep 26, 2010)

Thanks Uptown,

I actually trust my wife implicitly. She is not someone that I have ever had to be jealous of or distrust. I used to feel disconnected when we had been apart when I was younger. I don't feel that way any more, though. That is part of the progress I have made, but the thought of losing her is still a huge anxiety issue.

She has stayed with me so far, and I think things will work out eventually. We still are not intimate, but we are gradually working our way back to "normal". I have been working very hard lately to be much more self-reliant and confortable with myself. I feel stronger now (most of the time anyway) than I ever have. Most of the time lately, I feel I have made peace with living life and being happy without her if she ever does leave. But then there are times that I am back into panic mode at the thought of her leaving. I will keep plugging along and just let what happens happen.


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## gfl (Aug 16, 2010)

gtsanchez said:


> qfl,
> 
> I thank you for the advice. Being an athiest, I can't really take much comfort in that. I can see where giving control to something external is comforting, even if I view it as self delusion. The 12 step program for alcoholics is big on that. I still have major anxiety issues, but have made good progress on the depression issues. It is certainly tougher for someone like me to dissipate the anxiety when I can only internalize it.


Oh wow i couldnt even imagine life without my creator espically facing what you have going on ...This very well may be youre wake up call...I would recommend a great movie /book called a Case for Christ upon a chicago juornelst who set out to prove that God was only self delusion Lee Strobal i beleive thats a pretty good one ... not to be pias but only out of love Ill pray for you and wish you nothing but the best ...

GFL
(God-For-Life)


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