# Hey you...Yeah YOU...



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

So, you got cheated on. Doesn't that f'ng suck moose balls? Seriously. This crap hurts to the core and no one who's never experienced it will understand what you're feeling right now. It's not to say they can't offer you a shoulder to cry on or words of comfort, but they just don't know how badly you really hurt.

Well, you're here now aren't ya? So, while you're here why don't ya grab a soda or wine or bourbon (that's my personal fave) and read for a minute.

First ~ you are gonna be pissed!! Yeah, man. Pissed. As in what in the hell is going on and why did my spouse/partner do this? I've given so much and they took everything I gave for granted and sh-t all over it. If I were less civilized I would lash out with a fist to their face! Yeah...even as the man I honestly thought about punching my wife in the f'ng face once. I didn't though, because violence ain't cool. It won't solve a damn thing. Even if you're the woman and you wanna slap him so damn hard...it ain't worth it in the end. Even if you decide to divorce, it ain't worth it. Spend that energy on yourself and get into the gym or go walk/jog/run a few miles. I promise you'll feel oodles better.

Next ~ what do ya do with ALL of this agony?! Good God you don't know where your brain and heart are cuz they seem to be miles apart in one tiny, barely functioning body. Well my brothers and sisters...again, you ain't alone. What you do with the agony is totally up to you. I can tell you what I did with mine and other people will tell you what they did with theirs. Mine...I spent $75 on a 100 pound heavy bag and another $20 on a good pair of gel knuckled gloves like they use in MMA. I beat the ever living sh-t outta that bag every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. Something had to take my agony in a positive way. It wore me out. I screamed, cried and even kicked at the f'ng thing. I elbowed it and made it my goal to break it and watch the sand pour out onto my garage floor. It never happened, but I sure enjoyed trying. It was constructive.

Mind movies. The very first post I ever made on a forum was over at Loveshack about mind movies. Yeah, don't go there. They ban betrayed spouses too quickly for the pain they're in. They cater more to the wayward spouses. Anywho, mind movies suck ass. Seriously. I would be driving in my car or riding on my motorcycle and all of a sudden a vision of my wife and the xOM would flip on in my grey matter and they are doing all kinds of crazy sh-t. How I never got into a wreck is beyond me. So, what can ya do about the mind movies. Well, ya can't really do anything about them. What you do when they happen...ohhh, yeah ~ you CAN control that. I did two things. First, I had a rubber band around my wrist that I would snap...kinda like when trying to quit tobacco. I'd get a mind movie and SNAP. I'd do it hard, too. No pansy or candy ass effort here. Make it hurt. Snap yourself back cuz your imagination is probably a whole helluva lot worse than the reality. The other thing I would do, is simply let the movie play out. It wasn't a feature flick or an Lord of the Rings trilogy epic. It would last maybe 10 seconds. Then, I'd take a deep breath and center myself. Yeah...Zen sh-t. It works. I'd talk myself down from there and move on with my life whatever I was doing.

Divorce. Yep. Sometimes that is the ONLY way that you are going to free yourself from the pain and agony of infidelity. It's just that simple. If an affair is a deal breaker for you, then that is that. Feel free to file and move on with improving your life from someone's selfish ego feed! Just remember, in everything that you do, don't ever make a rash decision on a life changing deal.

Reconciliation. Sometimes people want to reconcile. They want to try to repair the marriage. If that is you, just know one thing: It is harder than you f'ng think. If you rug sweep this sh-t, you will only come back to TAM inside of a year and post how you were in false reconciliation. The wayward spouse has EVERYTHING on their shoulders at this point. I'm not saying you get to treat them like a sack of sh-t. What I'm saying is that they need to understand the gift that has been given to them and act accordingly. Trust me. When it comes to an affair, and I don't care if it's an EA, PA, ONS, LTA or whatever cool initials there are - you WILL know if reconciliation is gonna work within a day or two...maybe even an hour or two! You will sense it. Use your gut. It is almost NEVER wrong.

Above all...post your story here in ONE thread. Don't create multiple threads cuz that just dilutes your story. READ everyone's comments and don't get scared or pissed off if you don't agree 100% with a poster. A lot of newbs here claim that betrayed spouses are bitter toward them and throw out their anger in projection. It happens. But it happens a lot less than is believed. If you see it, use the REPORT button if it's that bad. Otherwise, just ignore the comment and move on. Flame wars are always a lose/lose situation.

Whether you choose to Divorce or Reconcile, understand that you will probably need at least 2 years to heal. Yeah, that's right - even with divorce and cutting the tumor from your life, you will endure the pain of betrayal. Don't kid yourself. You will still hurt and if you get into a relationship too quickly, you're only gonna sabotage it. Same with reconciliation. Don't think cuz you're hyper-bonding and banging like bunnies that everything is a-okay. Triggers will hit you whether you're alone, with your spouse or having sex with your spouse. That brings me to my final point...

Communication. You didn't have it before or during the affair otherwise your sorry butt wouldn't be here reading this thread. BOTH of you need to have 100% OPEN & HONEST communication. That means you talk about everything. EVER-Y-THING in an adult, open way. Divorce or Reconciliation it doesn't matter. You need to be honest with each other. You will never heal without it.

Again, it sucks that you're here. I'm sorry you're here. I'm sorry I'M here. I hate this place. It gives me comfort.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

:allhail:


Excellent post! There's only one thing that I would add (IF I was as eloquent as you...)

I've seen so much good advice on TAM about what to do in the wake of discovery of the affair, IF THE WS WANTS TO CONTINUE THE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE BS. But sometimes the WS leaves the BS for the OM/OW. If that happens, what is the BS supposed to do? 

I understand that they can't do anything to 'force' the hand of the WS. What I'm asking is, what can the BS do for his/herself? 

I've read about how the BS should go NC (...or at least LC, if the couple has children together) , which is fine and dandy. But the BS won't be able to get closure from the WS, and is left to draw his or her own conclusions...some of which may be wrong. 

Would love to see what the BS can do in that case...

Vega


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

SD, your post is just so full of WIN!!! Please add it to the newbie thread.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Thanks for the cute smiley thing, Vega. I've been through the wringer and don't deserve "praise" or "hails"  I just want to pass on what I've learned over the past 15 months.

It's my opinion that if the wayward decides to "move on" with the AP, the betrayed has only one choice: Let it happen. I can _almost_ promise that in the end that "relationship" will not last because it's foundation is on dishonesty and deceit. The betrayed spouse needs to know without a doubt that it is NOT their fault. No matter what. Ever.

That's not to say they won't hurt. As with divorce, the wayward moving on with their AP means that the marriage has ended. It is painful no matter what, but it will be especially painful for the betrayed to feel a TON worse because their ego will take such a bruising, it is unimaginable. 

And the only counsel I would give them again is: It is NOT your fault. YOUR self is not in doubt. The wayward's IS. Draw that distinction first and foremost. That doesn't take the pain away and much like divorce, getting answers is probably the only way that the betrayed is going to heal a little "better".

See, it's always about the puzzle. The wayward holds a 5000 piece puzzle that they have constructed with lie after lie and deception after deception. They have all the pieces put together in their little reconstructed reality.

The betrayed has like 4 f'ng pieces...and they ain't even corner or edge pieces!!

IF the wayward is willing to give honest answers, which I highly doubt - sorry but that is my true assessment, then the betrayed might get more pieces of the puzzle to fill in the gaps.

Again, though, I think with a wayward that far gone, the betrayed can only rely on themselves to heal and that is a large mountain to climb. Yet again...the only thing they can have comfort in is that it is NOT THEIR FAULT. THEY are NOT to blame. 

It is so easy to say, but LET IT GO. 

When we can begin to drop our ego out of the equation, that is when we can listen to reason and see truth as it is. When ego gets in the way, all we can do is ask "Why me?" "Why did you do this to me?" Valid questions that will probably never, ever get answered by a wayward who has decided to leave and be with the AP.

The 180. Quite honestly, that is the ultimate thing ANY betrayed can do for themselves whether divorcing, reconciling or dealing with divorce where the wayward chooses the AP over their spouse.

I don't have all of the answers, though. I have simply tried to look at all of this sh-t from every possibly f'ng angle for over a year. Figuring out which moves to make. What works for me and what didn't. 

It might not work for you.

But if it does and I can help just one person, then for all of the hell that I have endured, it will have been worth it in some small way.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> SD, your post is just so full of WIN!!! Please add it to the newbie thread.


Thanks, man. But I wouldn't know how to add it to anything. If you can do it for me, I'd appreciate it. 

Cheers!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Thanks, man. But I wouldn't know how to add it to anything. If you can do it for me, I'd appreciate it.
> 
> Cheers!


Done


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

SD, where were you man in Dec 2010?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> SD, where were you man in Dec 2010?


Flying my Falcon 20 all over Florida and the Caribbean, totally oblivious to my wife's affair! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Done


I bow to your skills my friend. Lok Tar!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> So, you got cheated on. Doesn't that f'ng suck moose balls? Seriously. This crap hurts to the core and no one who's never experienced it will understand what you're feeling right now. It's not to say they can't offer you a shoulder to cry on or words of comfort, but they just don't know how badly you really hurt.
> 
> Well, you're here now aren't ya? So, while you're here why don't ya grab a soda or wine or bourbon (that's my personal fave) and read for a minute.
> 
> ...


You Rock Dig!!!


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## Welsh TXN (Feb 4, 2012)

Great post SD, another thing I would add to this is the in-laws and their princess or prince is the WS trust that they will not believe you one little bit even with proof be sure to tell them what the WS is doing but don't for one minute think that they will be on your side blood is thicker than marriage vows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

That's a really good point Welsh. It's kind of like I explain to guys wanting to prospect for the Motorcycle Club I'm in. I let them know that when it comes to power clubs, show respect and be friendly. But never for one minute allow yourself to _think_ they're your friend. Different colors...different allegiance.

In laws are no different. They will 99.9% side with their children. Period.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> Again, it sucks that you're here. I'm sorry you're here. I'm sorry I'M here. I hate this place. It gives me comfort.


:smthumbup:


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

SD, a perfect post.


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

Great post, Dig!

I have a question for you...how do you get over the anger? My H and I could be having a great day, and then something pops in my head and I get pissed about the cheating all over again, and vent my anger on him in the form of a snide remark or cutting comment. If we're having a little argument about a completely unrelated issue, I always somehow seem to find some way to throw the cheating in his face too. Totally unhealthy I know, but the anger always seems to be there no matter how much progress we/I make. Any tips you've found that work? Thanks...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Dead on target. I liked what you said about R. having gone through a false one I believe I am now in a real R. At least my wife is doing all the right things. I can tell it (gut). Once the blinders are off it is easier to move forward.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Laila8 said:


> Great post, Dig!
> 
> I have a question for you...how do you get over the anger? My H and I could be having a great day, and then something pops in my head and I get pissed about the cheating all over again, and vent my anger on him in the form of a snide remark or cutting comment. If we're having a little argument about a completely unrelated issue, I always somehow seem to find some way to throw the cheating in his face too. Totally unhealthy I know, but the anger always seems to be there no matter how much progress we/I make. Any tips you've found that work? Thanks...


I know the question is for Dig, but here's my newb take...

So many times a day we are presented with an opportunity to rub their faces in it... say something hurtful, remind them of what they've done.. how much pain they've caused, how thoughtless they were. Do yourself a favor, if you're having a great day... suppress the desire to speak out, take a second before you speak and ask why you are going to say what you are going to say, and if it's just to hurt, all it will do is build up more resentments and things you're trying to remove. You don't want to keep punishing and beating them down.. you need to help build them back up, because in many of these situations you're dealing with someone that has some pretty low self esteem and is probably dealing with deep depression, guilt, shame and self loathing... You want them to feel safe with you, just like you want to feel safe with them. You want them to feel safe telling you truths, not afraid of how your response might be hurtful. When fighting, never hit below the belt.. always try to gauge your response and not be mean or cruel.. infidelity isn't a license to abuse your spouse verbally.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Internet is down at the moment. Sucks cuz I was watching Netflix!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

michzz said:


> One thing about false reconciliation. There are cheaters that are so good at the cake-eating deception that the BS really doesn't see evidence of the continued affair. Not because they are not seeing what they should, but because the deception is so complete!


Some of us (BS's) don't want to see it for what it is, false R. Even with all the signs, not feeling it, etc. We get a false hope. Having gone through a false R and now going through what feels like a real R I can definitely see and feel the difference. And yes they are good at cake-eating.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This auta be a sticky! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Laila8 said:


> Great post, Dig!
> 
> I have a question for you...how do you get over the anger? My H and I could be having a great day, and then something pops in my head and I get pissed about the cheating all over again, and vent my anger on him in the form of a snide remark or cutting comment. If we're having a little argument about a completely unrelated issue, I always somehow seem to find some way to throw the cheating in his face too. Totally unhealthy I know, but the anger always seems to be there no matter how much progress we/I make. Any tips you've found that work? Thanks...


Laila, I don't think we ever truly get "over" the anger. It is usually going to be there whether it is in the forefront of your mind - like when you get triggered - or in your subconcious - like before you get triggered. See what I'm talking about? It is simply something that you AND your husband need to be aware of.

As for always throwing it in his face...well, that's understandable however it's detrimental to YOUR healing. Holding onto it and throwing it out there every time just ain't healthy, IMO.

I'm gonna have dinner now, but I want to write my thoughts more on the hurt that the betrayed's ego takes on and what we can do to ease a bit of it - which may in turn, help ease your anger a little, too.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Dig: No truer words were ever posted! My separation/divorce process has metered better than two years now, and I've learned quite a lot in that span of time.

I only want to be single again, free from rich STBXW's self-obliging money-clutch, and then to legitimately "out her" before her family and friends all about her sordid little adventures in infidelity!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> Laila, I don't think we ever truly get "over" the anger. It is usually going to be there whether it is in the forefront of your mind - like when you get triggered - or in your subconcious - like before you get triggered. See what I'm talking about? It is simply something that you AND your husband need to be aware of.
> 
> As for always throwing it in his face...well, that's understandable however it's detrimental to YOUR healing. Holding onto it and throwing it out there every time just ain't healthy, IMO.


Yep. It's all part of R. The trick is what you do with the anger. I'm past the point of always, or even usually, telling hubby when something makes me a bit angry. I can handle that on my own. When something really triggers me, though, we still need to discuss it, and he needs to know what to do about it. And do it.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Dinner finished. Yummy chicken with rice...lightly spiced with salt and pepper. So simple. So good.

I think our brains should be like that. Simple. Good. Lightly spiced 

Unfortunately, that is not the reality for most of us. Maybe it is for Buddhist monks and long time practitioners of Zen. That's what they're talking about when they use the term "enlightenment".

Our ego...that somewhat bewildering thing that each of us possesses just gets in the way far too often. Now, the ego isn't a bad thing really. It's not bad. It's just a little bit misguided. The ego is what allows us to get judgmental and feel jealousy. It's the part of us that gets angry when someone betrays us beyond belief...like, ummm...cheating!!

Our egos basically confuse the desire to be loved and the need to love with actually just being loved. In essence, it's about controlling the situation instead of just letting life happen.

If we can let that ego go - just a little bit - we will be surprised by what happens. We feel lighter in our being. Our everyday self.

Dday and the initial weeks that followed were hell for me. I'm betting that for most of us betrayed it's the same thing. I remember sitting on my couch with Regret talking about the affair. I had been asking for details and she was giving them to me. I was angry. I was outraged! But then, it hit me...

I was personalizing every single thing she told me as if it were a direct attack against me. I told her to wait a minute, and I took a deep, cleansing breath. I told myself to settle my brain - my ego. I literally remember removing that part of me that was taking every word as an attack ON me and saw it for what it was - she was opening up about what SHE had done. It had *nothing* to do with me. It was her SH-T...not mine!

And - I let it go.

And I was able to really hear her from that point on during our 3 hour talk. I was finally able to *gasp* empathize with how broken she was that she did what she did.

I am NOT saying that this works for everyone. I am NOT saying to blindly accept an affair as - "Oh, well!". No, what I'm saying is that when you let that ego part of your _self_ go just a bit, your anger will subside a bunch and you will be able to be in control of your self.

You are not at the mercy of your anger. You are not at the mercy of your ego.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I got a PM from a poster here that said he enjoyed the thread. He asked some questions regarding anger that I thought would be good to post here.



"I appreciate the advice about letting go of anger.

How much satisfaction did you get by destroying that POS that inserted himself in your marriage?

Do you think that had any impact on the anger you feel today?

Do you think knowing the karma bus stopped at his place and wouldn't leave has helped you to keep moving forward?"

*My response*

Oh, you can ask this in the thread if you'd like and I will give the same response. I think it is a valid question and probably would help others to read. If you'd like to ask it there, I will answer it again. I'll just copy/paste this

1. I got a lot of satisfaction out of destroying that POS. I got satisfaction when I finally got an email to his wife instead of him intercepting them, and she subsequently booted his ass out! I got satisfaction hearing from our former friends that he was beside himself with sadness cuz he couldn't be home with his family. Trust me...I am a nice guy until you f-ck with me, then I'm a nightmare. I never say this stuff as a keyboard commando or internet Rambo. I say it cuz it's the truth and is how things happened.

2. I think it impacted the anger I felt toward him cuz I got my justice as pertained to his part in the affair. I still had a lot of anger toward Regret, though. That I destroyed part of his life didn't help my anger for her.

3. No. That was just a bonus. I was only able to move forward with Regret doing things properly and showing remorse. She was NOT perfect. She held back some details of the affair, trickle truth and I literally was on the verge of walking on 8/30/2012 when the last of the TT came out. It actually happened in "real time" on the Reconciliation thread. I gave her my attorney's number and said he is who she could talk to from now on and then I left. Obviously, I came back. I was able to continue moving forward from that day for one silly kind of reason: I no longer had the Spidey sense tingling. It was gone. And I knew why. That was the day I was able to truly begin healing. It took almost 6 months to get there, though. It should NOT have taken that long, but I'm not perfect and neither was she.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Have a question for you dig. I had an EA and my H never showed any anger towards me at all. He never asked for any details of the EA. He told me that if it had gone to a PA he would have still wanted to work it out with me. It did not go to a PA because of distance. AP was 5 hours away. We have been in MC for 9 months and I brought this up. He just isnt angry. He doesnt view an EA as that big of a deal. After reading these threads for months now, it is strange. It is almost like my H is rug sweeping which is why I brought it up in couselling. I dont want it to be swept under the rug. I want him to be angry about it, angry at me but he just isnt. I was very remorseful and the guilt was really eating me. He knew this. 

What do you make of this?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

He's rugsweeping because he's in DENIAL. He thinks its no big deal because he thinks its his fault you had an EA. This is very, very common among BS's who come here.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> He's rugsweeping because he's in DENIAL. He thinks its no big deal because he thinks its his fault you had an EA. This is very, very common among BS's who come here.


I never thought of it that way. A little back story on us. Married 22 years. Last 5 years of marriage was sexless, we were roommates. We were in a horrible place. But I never blamed that on him, clearly it takes two. We definitely were not meeting each others needs. With many months of MC and IC I know why it happened, doesnt excuse it from happening. He NEVER brings it up. We are in an amazing place right now, everything is great. Maybe thats why he doesnt want to think about it, maybe just leave it in the past? It is just strange.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

A small thought on anger...

The anger never really fully goes away.

They are not "affairs" or "mistakes" or "indiscretions"... those are terms dreamed up to make it all seem chic or palatable. So when someone says "How can you be so angry over my affair?", it's easy to see why those terms are used.

It's a betrayal.

A betrayal of one human to another. Against the person (or people if kids are involved) who trusts you, has faith in you and believes you are good enough to not stick a knife through the back into the heart. 

And they had to find out you are not the trusting person they held you out to be.

And open wounds to the heart fester for eternity. The psychological wounds are equally very real and are even more damaging. 

Then eventually the perpetrater of the crime shrugs their shoulders and simply moves on. But the victims are left behind with all the hurt and anger. Betrayers never understand that- and that makes the anger rise up again.

And the cycle repeats itself...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

SomedayDig said:


> And I was able to really hear her from that point on during our 3 hour talk. I was finally able to *gasp* empathize with how broken she was that she did what she did.
> 
> I am NOT saying that this works for everyone. I am NOT saying to blindly accept an affair as - "Oh, well!". No, what I'm saying is that when you let that ego part of your _self_ go just a bit, your anger will subside a bunch and you will be able to be in control of your self.
> 
> You are not at the mercy of your anger. You are not at the mercy of your ego.


A good point Dig and one that is commonly misunderstood. An important part of a successful reconciliation is empathy. But empathy should not lead to blind acceptance of what has taken place. The WS must be held accountable for their actions and they must understand how damaging they were to the BS. Once those things happen true forgiveness can take hold and both can move on. While I made plenty of mistakes during the weeks and months following D-Day the one thing I did completely right was to go through a process of self reflection and understand how my actions or lack of, contributed to the state of the marriage and their impact on my wife. While my wife made her poor choices, I understood my culpability in making her vulnerable to the affair. With that, the anger ebbed and I could focus more clearly on the process of R. As the healing process continued she went through her own process of self reflection, guilt and remorse. Like I said this is commonly misunderstood but in many cases of infidelity, there were factors on both sides that lead to the affair. Unfortunately also, many WS use that information to justify their actions and minimize the BS's emotional hurt and validity as a spouse.


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## laya (Jun 4, 2013)

Hey Dig! This is great advice that can be applied to other situations not dealing necessarily with infidelity. As I was reading, I was applying and thinking of how to apply your points. It does seem, though, that I'm always preparing myself for the situation of infidelity. Not sure why. Maybe b/c so many marriages are faced with this issue and while I want to believe my marriage is different, I know that I could be faced with this tomorrow or 20 years from now. So, I guess I'm gathering advice before it actually happens or before I actually learn about it.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I promise to write back to ya's, but my daughter has her class picnic today. It's a bit more important


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

LoriC said:


> Have a question for you dig. I had an EA and my H never showed any anger towards me at all. He never asked for any details of the EA. He told me that if it had gone to a PA he would have still wanted to work it out with me. It did not go to a PA because of distance. AP was 5 hours away. We have been in MC for 9 months and I brought this up. He just isnt angry. He doesnt view an EA as that big of a deal. After reading these threads for months now, it is strange. It is almost like my H is rug sweeping which is why I brought it up in couselling. I dont want it to be swept under the rug. I want him to be angry about it, angry at me but he just isnt. I was very remorseful and the guilt was really eating me. He knew this.
> 
> What do you make of this?


I think Lordmayhem answered this well. I will add one thing to it and you might want to prepare the whipping post and have everyone get ready to lash me.

He rug swept, yes...but maybe it really _wasn't_ that big of an issue to him to get angry over. During Regret's affair, she had a facebook chat with a guy who had hung out with her and our former friends at a beer fest. I really didn't care about her facebook chat to be honest. I was pissed off that I had met up with everyone after I had a motorcycle event to go to and apparently, he was standing behind me trying to make eyes at her. She said she looked at him once but knew that I would catch on quickly. I was more pissed about that than the facebook chat...which I actually read. Again, I only found out about this after Dday and the fact that she'd been sleeping with the xOM, so maybe the chat thing wasn't a "big deal" to me at that point. I just wanted to know what was said in the chat which she pulled up for me.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

I have no direct experience with infidelity, never cheated myself, never been cheated on (there is some in my immediate family --son's first marriage). Married 30 years. I came to TAM to read and reflect on other problems I have that affect my marriage - but I find the stories and issues on this "coping with infidelity" board so compelling that I end up spending most of my time right here! 

After having read so many of these threads over the past couple months, there's no way I can put all my thoughts into one post, so I won't try. For this one I'll just observe that, though my head tells me there would have to be times that Reconciliation is the right thing to do......the 'other' part of my head, and my heart, is with the divorcing BS. I'll just say that - my belief- maintaing any relationship, including a marriage, can NEVER be a person's first priority. Most important factor always needs to be preserving self-respect, self-image, dignity. To me that means a 'low tolerance' policy shown for acts of disprespect, and a zero tolerance policy for acts that humiliate. This makes me look upon divorce as the best option in most cases -- keeping in mind that full forgiveness of the WS is not only possible in the aftermath of divorce but is often easier to accomlpish.

Not meaning to be judgemental of anyone in particular on TAM, please realize. Given my lack of experience with the subject, my view must seem reactionary. I think to some extent it is. But it has formed to a large part from reading the threads and personal stories on this website.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Amplexor said:


> The WS must be held accountable for their actions and they must understand how damaging they were to the BS. Once those things happen true forgiveness can take hold and both can move on.


This is why I'm 'stuck'. Since my exb/f and I broke up, we never had "the talk". He didn't even offer an apology (because he wasn't sorry, I gather...). He said so many things that contradicted other things he said and did that I never really got an explanation. In HIS mind, he was 'done', and there was no reason to explain anything. 

Ironically, I know him. I know him well enough that even though he never told ME what the 'problems' were, he will tell OTHER PEOPLE. I can't tell you how many complaints he had about his g/f before me, and how many times I asked him, "Did you tell HER this?" for him to give me he deer-caught-in-the-headlights look. 

I DO hold him accountable, but I can't TELL him that I'm holding him accountable. He'll never get how damaging his actions were, so he'll keep on doing what he' been doing. I keep feeling like I would be able to forgive him, IF he 'got it'. I also know that if he KNEW I forgave him, he would see me as 'weak'. 

Kind of a sticky wicket, if you ask me!

Vega


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> I'll just say that - my belief- *maintaing any relationship*, including a marriage, *can NEVER be a person's first priority*.


Unfortunately, this is exactly why I believe that people have affairs. They have them because their marriage/ relationship *isn't* their first priority. 

The cheater ALWAYS puts themselves FIRST. 

I'm not saying that our partner should always put us FIRST ahead of THEMSELVES, ALL the time, but we should at least be EQUAL to them. They should see OUR needs/wants as JUST AS IMPORTANT as their own.

Vega


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Vega said:


> Unfortunately, this is exactly why I believe that people have affairs. They have them because their marriage/ relationship *isn't* their first priority.
> 
> The cheater ALWAYS puts themselves FIRST.
> 
> ...


what I meant though is not that one must put all their needs, desires etc. ahead of their partner's or ahead of the relationship. Just that the individual must insist on a certain amount of respect from their partner, both in word and in deed -- a 'threshold' below which their partner cannot go. Cheating and crossing all the boundaries leading up to it are examples of the kind of disrespect I'm referring to here.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I wrote this in another thread. I figured it'd be a good idea to put it in this one, too.



My name is Dig. I'm actively in reconciliation with my wife, Regret214 since our Dday 3/6/12. The last almost year has been difficult, but not that bad compared to the first 5 months. Even though we had agreed to try to reconcile, I always had a nagging voice in the back of my head after she initially came clean. Well...I kinda forced her hand in coming clean by catching her that night I found the hotel receipt in her email. I never suspected anything.

So, she came clean and told me of her 5 year long affair. She assured me "I knew everything". Until 4/22. Then, "I knew everything". Until 5/5. "Then I knew everything". Well, until 6/24. That's when I got the truth and "knew everything".

Until finally on 8/30 when I walked out because it was the last and final trickle truth. See, the trickle truth wasn't about other guys or anything like that. It was simply questions that I had asked that she tried desperately NOT to tell me. Why? Because she didn't want to hurt me.

Did you hear that?!!

She LIED to me because she didn't want to HURT me.

Guess what waywards?! You've already hurt us e-f'ng-nuff by having an affair with someone!! Jesus H. Christ (my apologies everyone but it bears righteous fury)!!! Do you NOT understand the basic idiocy of what you're doing to us when you trickle truth stupid sh-t?!!

STOP!! Stop it right the f-ck now!

You are killing ~ and I mean absolutely KILLING any chance of reconciliation with someone who was good enough to give you another go at your marriage. The absolute MINIMUM that you owe is the truth.

Every single time you allow this cycle to continue you force the betrayed spouse back to DAY F'NG ONE!

Quit being selfish. Quit letting YOUR ego control these stupid things and LET IT GO! Give your spouse the respect that you failed to give them with your idiocy in your affair. I think they've f'ng earned it by keeping your ass around.


Make sure if you allow your wayward to read TAM, that you show this to them.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Hey Dig,

You are by far one of, if not the most, eloquent posters on this board. I have been (like many others I'm sure) impressed with you understanding of infidelity and its consequences. Your insight into what is necessary for R has been gold !

So what I am about to say to you hurts for me to say it, but I believe YOU are in a false R. Not Regret, but you. The tone of your posts gives you away my friend. You are still pissed (rightfully so, of course) and I just hate to see such a thoughtful person as your self be in such pain.

Five years was too long, and I think you know this. I admire you trying to make it work, even moving. I wish you only the best, because you deserve it !


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> ........Guess what waywards?! You've already hurt us e-f'ng-nuff by having an affair with someone!! Jesus H. Christ (my apologies everyone but it bears righteous fury)!!! Do you NOT understand the basic idiocy of what you're doing to us when you trickle truth stupid sh-t?!!
> 
> STOP!! Stop it right the f-ck now!
> 
> ...


Well quite Dig

The most staggering thing about your point is that it is SO fking obvious - you'd have to have the brain of a neanderthal to not get it!

We know they show nil respect by actually lying deceiving skulking around during the adultery but this bit, the aftermath, 
is if anything worse. It's the one part where having perpetrated the initial infidelity they actually have a glimmer of redemption right from the start and do they take it ?

Do they fk

They then choose - actually choose to make it worse to hurt you even more and STILL think they can reconcile with a smile on their face .....Uuuuuurgh!

:scratchhead:


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

barbados said:


> Hey Dig,
> 
> You are by far one of, if not the most, eloquent posters on this board. I have been (like many others I'm sure) impressed with you understanding of infidelity and its consequences. Your insight into what is necessary for R has been gold !
> 
> ...


I appreciate you saying that, man. I hope that you can read anger in some of my posts, as they are certainly meant that way, but often times I _write_ in anger more as a style of writing. I want you to know that yes, I am still hurt/angry over her affair - however it is nowhere near what it was last year. And while it is still there, Regret has found her groove in recognizing when I get more into my dark place (as I call it) and does what she can to help me work through it. I think that is a key. She has never stifled my feelings and works hard to help me.

Am I, personally in false R?

I don't feel that way, but I appreciate you commenting and giving me something to ponder.

PS...thanks for the compliment, too. That gave me a nice little boost this morning.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Headspin...I know, right?! I mean, when something so obvious has to be stated, it's pretty bad. Yet again and again, how often do we see it's portrayal played out here?


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

barbados said:


> Hey Dig,
> 
> You are by far one of, if not the most, eloquent posters on this board. I have been (like many others I'm sure) impressed with you understanding of infidelity and its consequences. Your insight into what is necessary for R has been gold !
> 
> ...


I think most of the anger in that post was about his frustration hearing my wife (who had been doing great on all fronts) started to TT me... he knew it was coming, he was waiting for it.. and he pounced on her when she did. It worked, I read her his post, and I believe it wouldn't have packed the same punch without the angry tone. She was literally on the floor purple, shaking and unable to breath.. I was close to calling 911... after she read it, and read the post from Regret where she stated how difficult it was to come clean because you don't want your partner to know to what extent you gave yourself to the OP. She filled in all my blanks after that, even stuff she had previously told me didn't happen, she changed her story because she understood that this is going to set us back repeatedly. It wasn't easy for her, I could see that, and in my heart I felt close to her for finally sharing those intimate details with me. 

When I posted, I could have posted a private message to Dig.. he was the guy I was hoping would respond, because he not only has a similar situation with the LTA, but he also makes me feel better. He was TT'd to death... He understands the pain, and relives it through us at times, and I think it helps him heal. Group therapy, it's not always fun and laughs.. 

Thanks again Dig for all your advice and for being there for me when I hit low points.. You are more than an anonymous forum poster to me, you are an inspiration and a huge help.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Said this before, worth saying again...

Dig you are person someone would be proud to call friend.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Russell...the anger I expressed in that post _was_ intended for your wife's benefit. It was meant to push and incite. There's a part of me that didn't want to do it, but the majority of my feeling was that I was "sticking up" for you, in a way.

Struggling...brother, you said that 7/17/2012 in my first ever thread. I appreciated it then and appreciate it today.

Okay...you guys are making me get all gushy and sh-t. So, stop it. You'll wreck my hardcore alpha image


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

What do three alphas do when it's time for a group hug... slight pats on the backside, then go for beers?


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

russell28 said:


> What do three alphas do when it's time for a group hug... slight pats on the backside, then go for beers?


I smell bromance brewing. 

BROMANCE BEER it's not just for breakfast anymore, drink a sixer and unleash your alpha-ness :beer:


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

LMFAO!! Both of ya's.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Bump


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Loving this thread ;-)


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

bump


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

How is Dig doing ?


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Dig is doing pretty good. He's got a new job and it seems our moving out of that house and over a thousand miles away has been terrific for his spirit. He still triggers on occasion, but nothing remotely close to when we lived in that house or that area.

BUMP!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Thanks for the update Regret you are both missed.
Glad to hear things are getting better.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Bump
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

You're bumping without an update?


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Regret & Dig:

hope the new place, new job and new life are treating you (and the children) fairly.

my best wishes.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> You're bumping without an update?



We were talking about how far we've come and how exciting things are getting and Dig thought about how he felt bad getting banned when he felt he had a lot to offer people dealing with infidelity. The ban reasoning was kind of silly IMO, but it is what it is. He remembered this post because it was one of his last and because he said he put his all into it to try to benefit others. That's Dig. That's the man who gave me another chance and I won't ever forget it. I'm doing well in my new school. The kids love that they can wear shorts every day, and Dig, well you wouldn't believe the kind of man he is. He works in the worst part of the city protecting people in their community, and giving positive messaging to children, teens and adults alike. Just as he was on this forum, he continues his goodness in real life in some of the worse areas you can imagine.

I was such a fool and I am thankful for him and our reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Oh yea...............

The mind movies.....

I remember them. All summer I would wake up in a cold sweat thinking about them making out. It wasn't the sex that came into my brain so much, it was the making out.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> We were talking about how far we've come and how exciting things are getting and Dig thought about how he felt bad getting banned when he felt he had a lot to offer people dealing with infidelity. The ban reasoning was kind of silly IMO, but it is what it is. He remembered this post because it was one of his last and because he said he put his all into it to try to benefit others. That's Dig. That's the man who gave me another chance and I won't ever forget it. I'm doing well in my new school. The kids love that they can wear shorts every day, and Dig, well you wouldn't believe the kind of man he is. He works in the worst part of the city protecting people in their community, and giving positive messaging to children, teens and adults alike. Just as he was on this forum, he continues his goodness in real life in some of the worse areas you can imagine.
> 
> I was such a fool and I am thankful for him and our reconciliation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dig is a good man.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Bump for the newly betrayed on TAM.

Also good for wayward spouses to read.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> Bump for the newly betrayed on TAM.
> 
> Also good for wayward spouses to read.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What are the chances of getting Dig reinstated? I like the guy and think that he would be a valuable poster.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> What are the chances of getting Dig reinstated? I like the guy and think that he would be a valuable poster.


I would support this wholeheartedly - Dig is a good man and a kindred spirit - I travelled from east to west in search of the same truths (tell him that).


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Rookie4 said:


> What are the chances of getting Dig reinstated? I like the guy and think that he would be a valuable poster.


pretty poor after he came back with a new account to rip CharlieParker a new one for a cheap shot he made on his wife


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> pretty poor after he came back with a new account to rip CharlieParker a new one for a cheap shot he made on his wife


Yes, when he posted that response to someone who said something so terrible to me, I'd say that solidified him not being allowed back. Even if it was warranted. He did state in that post though that he wished he could come back to help others deal with infidelity, but that his desire to protect me was more important.

Just know that he wishes he could help people who find themselves in this horrible place. It just won't happen here at TAM. Which is sad because for his last two bannings, the first was to protect his friends here, while the second was to protect me. That's Dig.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Regret214

I am a BS and currently reading someday digs postings. It is clear to me through his writings that he is a man of respect and honor. Your story has also inspired me to reconcile with my wife. I was unsure whether or not I could reconcile but reading stories here provides valuable insight on how to do it correctly. Digs writings have provided me with hope and inspiration at times when I felt neither. To have Dig return to TAM would be a valuable asset. I wish you both peace and happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Regret214 said:


> Yes, when he posted that response to someone who said something so terrible to me, I'd say that solidified him not being allowed back. Even if it was warranted. He did state in that post though that he wished he could come back to help others deal with infidelity, but that his desire to protect me was more important.
> 
> Just know that he wishes he could help people who find themselves in this horrible place. It just won't happen here at TAM. Which is sad because for his last two bannings, the first was to protect his friends here, while the second was to protect me. That's Dig.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, you guys have it going back on, bigtime, which is great news....sooooo, why would a) Dig want to come back and b) why you are still here?

Forget this place and move on? :scratchhead:


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

drifting on said:


> Regret214
> 
> I am a BS and currently reading someday digs postings. It is clear to me through his writings that he is a man of respect and honor. Your story has also inspired me to reconcile with my wife. I was unsure whether or not I could reconcile but reading stories here provides valuable insight on how to do it correctly. Digs writings have provided me with hope and inspiration at times when I felt neither. To have Dig return to TAM would be a valuable asset. I wish you both peace and happiness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I/We wish you all of the luck in the world. I will say, just as Dig would, reconciliation isn't easy and it is a long haul marathon. BOTH parties must know that with absolute certainty that reconciliation is what you desire.

Again, thank you and good luck to you both!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

davecarter said:


> So, you guys have it going back on, bigtime, which is great news....sooooo, why would a) Dig want to come back and b) why you are still here?
> 
> Forget this place and move on? :scratchhead:


Very good questions! First, yes, we're both very happy where we are now. I'm grateful every day. To answer as easily as possible a) Dig would only come back to help those in need. That said, with him defending me in the Social forum a couple weeks ago, he kind of messed that up. He has always had a strong desire to help people which is why he's currently working in law enforcement and preparing to become a deputy sheriff.
B) I came here a few weeks ago because Dig works night shift. I had initially logged in to chat with people in Social and didn't really post much here in CWI. Until, someone made an offhand comment in an extremely mean way to me in Social. I'm not saying it set me back, but it did trigger me back into wanting to help others, too. Again, though, you're right. Maybe it's time for me to truly move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> I would support this wholeheartedly - Dig is a good man and a kindred spirit - I travelled from east to west in search of the same truths (tell him that).


In my part of the country, we do not discuss such things in public.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Regret214
> 
> I am a BS and currently reading someday digs postings. It is clear to me through his writings that he is a man of respect and honor. Your story has also inspired me to reconcile with my wife. I was unsure whether or not I could reconcile but reading stories here provides valuable insight on how to do it correctly. Digs writings have provided me with hope and inspiration at times when I felt neither. To have Dig return to TAM would be a valuable asset. I wish you both peace and happiness.


Congrats! 



Regret214 said:


> I/We wish you all of the luck in the world. I will say, just as Dig would, *reconciliation isn't easy and it is a long haul marathon. BOTH parties must know that with absolute certainty that reconciliation is what you desire.*
> 
> Again, thank you and good luck to you both!!


Please remember ^this, DO. Just as with marriage, neither spouse can make reconciliation work all on his or her own. Your wife has to want it -- _and work for it_ -- just as much as you do, and vice versa.


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## CrazyForHer (Aug 28, 2014)

Dig rocks! Thanks for your candor and your insight, sir.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

GusPolinski

If my WW didn't put the effort that she has I would have been gone. From what I have learned in MC, IC, and TAM she "gets it". I offered one chance at reconciliation and she has busted her a$$ to do everything right. Never blame shifted to me and owned it from the start. Yes I've been destroyed but being only seven months from d-day I need time now. Both therapists are happy with my progress. One day at a time for the moment. Thanks for the kind words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

That's great to hear, DO. We could use a few more successful reconciliation stories around here. Best of luck to you and your wife, sir.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

GusPolinski

Thank you Gus! We are moving forward in reconciliation even though I'm struggling on self reflection in IC. I think I'm starting to hate mirrors! I was told by my IC that many of my thoughts are negative! Hmm, I think I need a moment to think of why that could be. 

You give great advice Gus, and you are a great asset to TAM. Nothing but respect from my end for you sir.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Thanks for the kind words, DO.

That you're struggling from time-to-time is pretty normal at this point. It probably took a year or so for me to sort of "normalize", and I had some MAJOR triggers at about 18 months out. It's a slog, but you have to keep moving forward. Every once in a while, though, you'll get knocked down, and you'll wind up covered in mud, so to speak. It's the forward movement -- the progress -- that is key.

It's also important to talk w/ your wife when you experience setbacks. Keep the talks civil, and _try_ to frame them in such a way that they're productive. Share what you're feeling, but apply filters as appropriate (or necessary). And try not to blindside her w/ discussions about the affair, your marriage, etc. Keep a certain phrase handy for when you want to discuss things. I typically use something along the lines of... "Sweetie, I'd like to talk w/ you about some things." This sort of helps my wife to get into the frame of mind to _calmly_ discuss things. She'll drop what she's doing, turn to face me (I normally wait until we're seated next to each other on the couch to initiate the talk), and we talk.

At any rate, keep at it!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Thanks for the kind words, DO.
> 
> That you're struggling from time-to-time is pretty normal at this point. It probably took a year or so for me to sort of "normalize", and I had some MAJOR triggers at about 18 months out. It's a slog, but you have to keep moving forward. Every once in a while, though, you'll get knocked down, and you'll wind up covered in mud, so to speak. It's the forward movement -- the progress -- that is key.
> 
> ...


GusPolinski

Always try to move forward, but I admit, I have gotten stuck and then my MC would come along and out her foot in my a55. WW and I speak twice a week about our progress. One is a set day where we talk about the easier things. The other time is for when I get triggered or for some unknown reason I get all anxious. WW is very supportive and sees me trigger almost instantly. This has helped me a great deal. Anything we think may lead to an argument is discussed in MC. In IC I pay this woman to kick my a55 for an hour. She is tough but I've made some good headway on being a better person overall. Confidence and self esteem were killed with WW's affair but coming back nicely with IC. More or less I feel that I'm more sarcastic now, that's not bad is it? Thanks for your advice Gus!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I think this is the right place to post this.

I see Regret got banned, and I'm sorry because now she AND Dig aren't around, and that's really a shame. 

They made this a better place. When people like Regret and Dig aren't here, that means more bitter people are left. That means even more vitriol to drown out the people who try to keep things civil.

I'd just like to say that I'm very happy for Dig and Regret that they're doing so well; and that I'm appreciative for the help that Dig gave to me when I first showed up here not long after D-Day; and that I think it's great that both of them have helped so many people see what's possible with love, time, and sincere effort. And hope. (I'm biased, but I think we shouldn't forget that ingredient.) I'd have more of it for CWI, though, if people like Regret and Dig were still posting here!! 

Some other really nice folks who generally contribute positivity have been banned too - it seems like people who are in the R camp tend to be "targets" - some of the meanness is so over the top, it's jaw-dropping.... It's really too bad that the good folks get cut out like this.

Dig and Regret, you are missed.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hmmmph, no one ever targets me


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> I think this is the right place to post this.
> 
> I see Regret got banned, and I'm sorry because now she AND Dig aren't around, and that's really a shame.
> 
> ...


You know, I understand why people get upset when a "beloved" poster gets banned. What I'll NEVER understand, is why people must passively insult other posters to get the point across. 

In before the logical fallacy flies.


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## Nostromo (Feb 8, 2014)

Vivid said:


> I would like to meet the person who says that they have lost a child and experienced infidelity and that the pain from the infidelity is worse.
> 
> And then I would like to punch that person in the face.


So this imaginary person in your head has lost their child and been betrayed by their 'soul mate' and your go to thought is punching said person in the face?:scratchhead: Okay then.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

hopefulgirl said:


> I think this is the right place to post this.
> 
> I see Regret got banned, and I'm sorry because now she AND Dig aren't around, and that's really a shame.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. The thing that bothers me is Regret was baited with low and uncaring comments I have ever seen.

What is worse if anyone fights back they face a ban.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nostromo said:


> So this imaginary person in your head has lost their child and been betrayed by their 'soul mate' and your go to thought is punching said person in the face?:scratchhead: Okay then.


I had (kind of) the same thought.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jim123 said:


> I agree with you. The thing that bothers me is Regret was baited with low and uncaring comments I have ever seen.
> 
> What is worse if anyone fights back they face a ban.


While DF's comment was (_WAAAAAAAAAAY_) over the top, the mods tend to oversee the site w/ "playground" rules; it doesn't matter that the other kid hit you first, it only matters that you were fighting.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

JustGrinding said:


> Regret got banned because she’s unable to control her emotions. Probably one of the same personality characteristics that led to her being a wayward wife in the first place.
> 
> Dr. Willard Harley, a clinical psychologist specializing in marital infidelity, whose works are often cited and recommended on this site, writes that , in his professional practice over the last 40+ years, his patients reported that the emotional trauma associated with marital infidelity exceeds the emotional trauma associated with both rape and the loss of a child. Like it, or don’t like it. Believe it or not, it’s your choice. These are patient reports recorded in a clinical setting.
> 
> ...


Harley also says 80 percent of those marriages with an A recover too.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Nostromo said:


> So this imaginary person in your head has lost their child and been betrayed by their 'soul mate' and your go to thought is punching said person in the face?:scratchhead: Okay then.


The point is this is an imaginary person in Harley Bull shi2 to sell his services.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> While DF's comment was (_WAAAAAAAAAAY_) over the top, the mods tend to oversee the site w/ "playground" rules; it doesn't matter that the other kid hit you first, it only matters that you were fighting.


What thread did this happen on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> While DF's comment was (_WAAAAAAAAAAY_) over the top, the mods tend to oversee the site w/ "playground" rules; it doesn't matter that the other kid hit you first, it only matters that you were fighting.


Does not make it right nor do I feel like putting up with it.

People who come looking for help and compassion should also give some.

I am tired of having to give respect to people who will not respect others.

What was said to Regret is cowardly and appalling.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

pidge70 said:


> What thread did this happen on?


Read backward from this post...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/215074-revenge-ideas-anyone-10.html#post10311778


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jim123 said:


> Does not make it right nor do I feel like putting up with it.


Didn't say that it did.



jim123 said:


> People who come looking for help and compassion should also give some.
> 
> I am tired of having to give respect to people who will not respect others.
> 
> What was said to Regret is cowardly and appalling.


Make no mistake, I agree.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I began reading on this site the end of 2012. Joined in November of 2013. When my world exploded in January 2014 some notable posters helped me tremendously. Two of those posters were dig and regret. Dig for his strong character, honor, and intelligence. Regret for her fiery personality, strong character, and caring disposition. Not to say she wasn't intelligent! They are a couple who care for humanity and selflessly attempted to help others. A couple many of us here looked up to because of their actions.

It saddens me that both have been banned and are now unable to assist others. Regret was attacked and did what I think anyone would do, stand up for yourself. When someone quite rudely disrespected digs wife he did what every husband would do, swing back. I can't fault either for what actions they took as I would do the same. It's a complete shame that you are not allowed to defend your beliefs or your own person. 

To dig I raise my beer to you and say salute', I have the utmost respect for you. To regret I raise my beer and say cheers, I have the utmost respect for you also. Two posters who I enjoyed reading what they had to say each and every day. You will be missed. I wish you health, happiness, and luck. Salute'.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

See, I knew to avoid that thread the title was ripe for bans. I just had a look and it's interesting to see how everyone took those ban worthy posts differently. Now, I'm going to avoid this one as well considering the bickering is carrying over to this one.


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## Vivid (Aug 28, 2014)

Yes I absolutely would punch a bereaved parent/betrayed spouse in the face *roll eyes until they show only white*.

Of course that wasn't an exaggerated position designed to communicate my feelings more effectively or anything. 

In all seriousness however, I a) don't believe any actual bereaved parent said infidelity is worse, and I challenge Dr Harley or whoever to provide evidence to the contrary; and 2) if I'm wrong, and there is such a person, I have zero respect for them or their opinions, as clearly their emotional priorities are terminally screwed


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Way to disgrace Dig's thread with your insipid squabbling


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: Hey you...Yeah YOU...*



Vivid said:


> Yes I absolutely would punch a bereaved parent/betrayed spouse in the face *roll eyes until they show only white*.
> 
> Of course that wasn't an exaggerated position designed to communicate my feelings more effectively or anything.
> 
> In all seriousness however, I a) don't believe any actual bereaved parent said infidelity is worse, and I challenge Dr Harley or whoever to provide evidence to the contrary; and 2) if I'm wrong, and there is such a person, I have zero respect for them or their opinions, as clearly their emotional priorities are terminally screwed


Honestly, Vivid, I would even expand that to one who is grieving any close loved one... mother, father, sister, brother, etc. Losing a loved one due to death is much worse. There is always that possibility of forgiving and reconciling with the wayward. You cannot do that when someone dies. There is no further interaction, period. Death is final. Infidelity still carries a small amount of hope, even when adamantly stating "I will never!"

So, I fully support your position of punching someone who says infidelity is worse than losing his/her child/loved one by death. Death is worse. Much worse.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Just had a look at and commented on the "Revenge" thread - I also avoided it because revenge is not a good thing - even though I must admit I have done stuff I shouldn't have.

However, DF's comments make me worry at where some of the readers here heads are at.

I felt really sorry for Regret and hope that she understands that there are all kinds of people here and DF seems to be in a distinct minority in thinking.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'll be honest... to read someone do little more than minimize the absolute soul-crushing devastation that I felt in the days and weeks following the discovery of wife's infidelities by essentially saying, "Meh, it could've been worse..." angers and infuriates me.

Each type of trauma carries with it a unique pain "fingerprint" based on the subtle (or overt) nuances inherent to it, and bickering over which is worse is pretty pointless.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> Just had a look at and commented on the "Revenge" thread - I also avoided it because revenge is not a good thing - even though I must admit I have done stuff I shouldn't have.
> 
> However, DF's comments make me worry at where some of the readers here heads are at.
> 
> I felt really sorry for Regret and hope that she understands that there are all kinds of people here and DF seems to be in a distinct minority in thinking.


My only real issue w/ what DF was trying to say is the way in which he/she said it. The personal attack against Regret was *EXTREMELY* inappropriate.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Way to disgrace Dig's thread with your insipid squabbling


I was dead serious when I posted this btw


This was an inspiring thread designed to HELP people
CWI used to be filled with threads like this
instead we're met with thread after thread of petty fighting over whether to bash WS's, if BS's are now all weenies, if today's women are all slvtty wh0res that will cheat on their GNO due to feminism, thirst for revenge and just a whole lotta vitriol and posturing

Regardless of what Dig and Regret did to get themselves banned (yes I will state that getting caught up in the fights themselves was an error), this thread has an important message and it's a shame when a newbie comes along and then hits the wall of stupid on page 6.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

It's times like these that really make me miss Mori and 8years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> When people like Regret and Dig aren't here, that means more bitter people are left. That means even more vitriol to drown out the people who try to keep things civil.


You can't even say a fond farewell around here without people following up to tap dance on their grave. Do you have to make sure the last word about someone - on the couple's own thread - is unkind? 

Sigh.

I rest my case.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I was dead serious when I posted this btw
> 
> 
> 
> ...



It's why I rarely post in CWI although I read it a lot for its jerryspringeresqueness (and compare situations to my own).

The debating all threads are reduced to around here...smh. 

This isn't to offend anyone, there are many, many great people here that are experienced and willing to help. Too many, however, are sucked into this ongoing struggle to sway the "other side". 

It's not going to happen, you're not changing any minds - and that's ok. 

Help OP's with strategy. Let them make up their own minds and move on to help another.


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I began reading on this site the end of 2012. Joined in November of 2013. When my world exploded in January 2014 some notable posters helped me tremendously. Two of those posters were dig and regret. Dig for his strong character, honor, and intelligence. Regret for her fiery personality, strong character, and caring disposition. Not to say she wasn't intelligent! They are a couple who care for humanity and selflessly attempted to help others. A couple many of us here looked up to because of their actions.
> 
> It saddens me that both have been banned and are now unable to assist others. Regret was attacked and did what I think anyone would do, stand up for yourself. When someone quite rudely disrespected digs wife he did what every husband would do, swing back. I can't fault either for what actions they took as I would do the same. It's a complete shame that you are not allowed to defend your beliefs or your own person.
> 
> To dig I raise my beer to you and say salute', I have the utmost respect for you. To regret I raise my beer and say cheers, I have the utmost respect for you also. Two posters who I enjoyed reading what they had to say each and every day. You will be missed. I wish you health, happiness, and luck. Salute'.


:iagree: I have only recently read the complete story of Dig and Regret and wish to thank them both as they have helped both my wife and myself on our reconciliation journey. We are one-year out from D-day and I only found this site 6 months ago. I have never posted my story to CWI, but both my wife and I found inspiration from their willingness to share their themselves on their Q&A thread. I too wish to see them once again and reinstated soon. Cheers and best of luck Dig and Regret!


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

To Regret

"It is easier to believe the bad stuff." Pretty Woman/

A lot of people have gone through more than you. However few have gone through trauma and have your compassion and empathy.

That is what makes you special.

In the movie she wants the fairy tale. You have your Knight to save you. You need to save him right back.

You deserve the fairy tale. A very special person on TAM taught me that fairy tales are real. They are just made you people like you and Dig.


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