# feel like I'm dying



## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

we had our preliminary hearing for divorce yesterday. all he wants is his truck and tavel trailer. he's been staying in a hotel for the last couple of days and is pulling out this weekend. I feel like I'm dying I feel like such a failure. we have 3 children together. things will never be the same he's a pipeliner and will be all over the world. we're going to miss him so much. how do you forget the last 17 years of your life. I've been with him longer than I haven't. I don't know how to not have him in my life. I want him in my life I need him in my life. I can't imagine being with anyone else and the thought of him being with anyone else makes me want to vomit. he acts like this is no big deal. I know that men and women handle things differently but I'm a mess I cry all the time I was up all night throwing up last night. I don't know how to get a grip. I even asked him last night if we could consider this a separation and see how things turn out before the divorce is final. all he would tell me is I don't know I'll think about it I don't know why you would think things would end up differently. he says he will always love me and will never be truly over me but we just don't work together anymore because so much damage has been done in the past. I can't force myself to let him go. I know I'm just torturing myself but I want to hold on. I have this constant gut wrenching feeling, I have no desire to do anything my house is filthy, I haven't showered in 2 days, I lost my job. how do you pull yourself up from the bottom and start over after 17 years. all I want to do is try to save things and fix things and all he wants to do is get away. I'm not at peace unless he's here with me and he's not a peace unless he's away from me. I don't think I can survive this its so hard I just am a mess. I don't have anyone here and I'm so alone I feel so abandoned by the one person that said he would never abandon me and would love me forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You need to start to let it go. It's the hardest thing you will have to do but you need to.

Force yourself to read some of these threads on here. You'll quickly see you are not alone. You will also see how many of us have moved on.

You can't hold on to someone who does not want to be held on to. You will only hurt yourself and right now that's the one person you should be taking care of.


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

Ann I am so sorry you are here and I feel your pain in your post.

I did a lot of the same things you have mentioned in your other posts. Cried, begged, pleaded, fought. None of it worked. When they are checked out they are checked out and there is nothing you can do except try to pull yourself together and start thinking about you and your children.

You have to be strong for them. I assume you are getting full custody? Is he going to be supporting you and the kids?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I understand how hard this is. You were with him for so long. I just ended a 28 yr marriage (35 year relationship). The first few months were so difficult. But you get up in the morning, take care of your kids, go to work, see your friends and the pain really does get better. I did all those things in the house he refused to do, rearranged the furniture, painted walls. Its my home, not his. The thing is, until the pain eases with the passage of time you have to force yourself to do some of these things. Can you join a club? Volunteer? Take a class? Try something you never had a chance to do before. You will emerge even stronger and more beautiful than you are today.


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## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

I just have such a hard time forcing myself to believe he's gone . he hates it when I call and cry but i do it anyway. hey says that's one of the things that push him out the door. he says I'll never change. its the same thing everyday me calling him crying. he tells me to focus on something else. how can I focus on anything else when he is my world
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

AnnRains said:


> I just have such a hard time forcing myself to believe he's gone . he hates it when I call and cry but i do it anyway. hey says that's one of the things that push him out the door. he says I'll never change. its the same thing everyday me calling him crying. he tells me to focus on something else. how can I focus on anything else when he is my world
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because you need to stop seeing him as your world. No one should be the center of anyone's world.

You have your own individual identity with qualities of your own.

It's time for you to start to find that person.

Crying, begging and pleading will not work. You have young kids to worry about, focus on them. Do not lower yourself to beg for his attention. It's not good for your kids to see and its not doing you a bit of good. Start to find your inner strength. It may not seem like it but it is in there somewhere. You need to bring it out.

Start to love yourself enough to realize he is not worth it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

AnnRains said:


> he says that's one of the things that push him out the door. he says I'll never change. its the same thing everyday me calling him crying. he tells me to focus on something else. how can I focus on anything else when he is my world
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ann,

Are you in therapy?


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## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

no and I probably should be, I wish I could be
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

AnnRains said:


> no and I probably should be, I wish I could be
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Financial issues?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Right now he has no need to think any other way about the relationship. You call, you profess you want him back. He knows where you are and he knows if he feels like it he can walk right back into your life. He has not had a reason to not do what he feels like. 

If/when you talk to him, only do so regarding the kids or finances try to keep conversations business like for lack of a better way to put it. You will look for any reason to call him, to keep in contact, I was guilty of that. Limit your contact to only necessary. 

The hurt takes a long time and everyone says it will get easier, it will pass. You may find it eases up for you quickly once you force yourself to start pulling away from him. Maybe the hurt and feelings wont. Everyone is different. When you are hurting dont just focus on all the great times you had, honestly look at the relationship and allow yourself to see the problems. Love is a funny thing and makes you forget a great many painful things that occurred especially during times of stress like you are in now.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

I can tell you from my own experience that the thing you have to do is stop hoping or trying. I know saying that sounds foreign and impossible but you know what I am that person who spent his days with his head in his hands, crying, in a daze like this can't be real and to be honest I still love my wife. BUT what I did was to occupy myself and stop looking at her like she's going to be part of my life. I have made up my mind that I will be happy and my future will be great. I'd be lying if I said I don't get sad and even cry once in a while but I can honestly say it's rare and only for moments. 

When you have been with someone for 17 years like you have or 20 years like I have, have kids and love them it's just not possible to shut down automatically, it takes time. The emotions you are feeling are natural but calling, crying and spending your days in despair will do nothing for you. 

I have a blog where I write down my feeling daily, sometimes more than once and there I listed my good attributes, things that make me happy and even things that make me sad. But I choose to focus on my kids, my good traits and the knowledge that I will make it. You will make it too.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I was married almost 25 years and I shut down immediately. I confided in my friends and family. I fell apart with them and only them. He never saw a tear fall out of my eye or a word begging him to come back slip from my mouth.

It is the best way because it has given me time to heal. I protected myself.

It's what you need to do Ann.


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## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

I cannot thank you all enough for your help. this is all so new to me and having a place where people are going through the same thing helps so much. I'm really not crazy even though I sound like it at times I promise I'm notLol. just broken hearted scared and confused
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

AnnRains said:


> I cannot thank you all enough for your help. this is all so new to me and having a place where people are going through the same thing helps so much. I'm really not crazy even though I sound like it at times I promise I'm notLol. just broken hearted scared and confused
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The beginning of this journey is the worst. It turns us into people we don't recognize or know. 

We need to try to do our best to not let it destroy us. To come out of it better, stronger more educated people.

Keep posting. Listen to what people are telling you, they have great advice. Take one step at a time. Be kind to yourself.


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## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

so soon to be ex and I just got into it on the phone, we are meeting at the high school for our daughters play tonight and then taking our little girls trick or treating. then he's leaving town tomorrow. my concern is that he's going back to Oklahoma which is where the ow is. he gets angry and see you'll never change you'll never get over it you'll never put the past in the past, this is why I file for divorce we just got into a huge fight. he just can't stand talking to me because I can't leave well enough alone. I admit that my hope is after some time apart and I do to change some that we can reconcile in the future and I know deep down he does too because some of the comments that he maKes but this just isn't right
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Ann listen to me, stop engaging him. No mention of wanting him to come home or you being miserable. Enjoy your evening and say as little as possible. You are not doing yourself any favors.

Stop looking at a reconciliation. At this point you don't know what will happen. All you know is its time to enjoy your children and make yourself stronger. 

Who cares where he's going tomorrow. Mines off on a cruise with the ow tomorrow. Honestly at this point I don't care. I'm bothered by other stuff he's doing but the issue of him and her barely registers anymore.

Time is a great healer.


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## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

how long have you been divorced
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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Ann, as said already this is the hardest part. Someone that has cheated on you doesn't deserve you, let him go.


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## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

Sigh..i know
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## AnnRains (Oct 16, 2013)

we both made some major mistakes in our marriage
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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

AnnRains said:


> how long have you been divorced
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not. I'm separated since January 2nd. He just up and left and moved in with the ow.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> I'm not. I'm separated since January 2nd. He just up and left and moved in with the ow.


posOW


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Read the book "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing." It's helping a lot. My husband just left 2 weeks ago. I have two children. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. Just take it one second at a time. Get the book I feel a lot of the things you feel. I just want to heal.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Look at it as him doing you a favor moving to a different state. You can use the distance as a security blanket so to speak. He wont be involved with the children so you wont be asking them about him after visits, you wont accidently run into him anywhere or accidently run into each other on purpose checking on each other. 
Your friends and family wont see him out with ow so they wont be telling you they saw him etc. All reminders of what is going on. You can focus on your family and yourself much easier I think. It isnt easy and it sucks and at least for me it doesnt go away fast. I believe someone else posted here that you need to release the hope and that is hard but they are correct I think. 
Something that helped me in the beginning a little, he most likely still has stuff in your house. Start packing it, get it ready to leave and you wont have to look at it and be constantly reminded. It wasnt a pleasant task for me but at least I felt that I had some control as to what I wanted and what she can have. It also does serve as a wake-up call to the other person when they call and ask for something out of house and all you say to them is everything is packed ready to go.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How long did he cheat?

It is not uncommon for cheaters to run their spouses down to justify in their own minds why they have a right to cheat. They may even lie to themselves about the past to have a history that make them look like the OK spouse who had to cope with the crap spouse. Sadly, if someone is told they are crap long enough, they may believe it.

But already in just a few posts I don't get that feeling at all. You sound like a warm and loving person who got kicked in the teeth by someone whom you thought you could trust.

Now is the time to send him an unambiguous signal that you are not plan B. He has been dumping you. But now at the end you are going to give him the old heave ho in the form of the 180. Turn your back on him. No begging, no pleading. Let him have Christmas with OW and her crazy family.

What kind of work do you want to do?


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

You sound like me a year ago. You need to quit worrying about him and start taking care of you and making decisions for the rest of YOUR life. Alot that helped me pull through has been mentioned here already. Pack up his stuff. Rearrange the furniture. Paint. Start making it YOUR home. Exercise. Don't forget to eat. Sleep. What really helped me there was buying new sheets, comforter and pillows. I know it sounds cliché but time does heal wounds. My ex left Sept 2012 and divorce was final in Feb, so it's been 8 months now. We were married 13 yrs and I finally know that things will be ok. It's his loss. I refuse to give him any power over me. 

Hang in there and take one day at a time. Don't know look too far down the road at this point.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> posOW


I stand corrected. posOW.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

A lot of us have been there. And the journey is fluid. You will begin to rebuild and something will set you back. It is normal. You WILL pull through each dark spot one step at a time. 

Mine asked out in Jan as well, and I still have my moments, but each day I like to THINK I'm getting stronger. Each day the idea of doing this alone is not as foreign as the day before. 

Do not engage him. He left you. He did what he needed to justify cheating. They all do. Mine claimed I was the reason we never did anything when I BEGGED for years to go out, and he refused. That I never wanted talk to him after work, when he would sit and watch his shows and move away from me if I tried to sit near. 

Don't allow him to blame shift. Don't allow his lack of a conscience push you down. And relax, knowing he won't be around non stop to destroy what image of normalcy you are building for your children.

You can do this. He is not worth your tears. You are worth much more than that and have children who need to see the strength you have within. Don't let him rob you of that. 

And get out and start applying for jobs! The job market may be tough, but it's a numbers game, and the more your apply the higher your chances of getting hired are. 

Good luck!


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

AnnRains said:


> I cannot thank you all enough for your help. this is all so new to me and having a place where people are going through the same thing helps so much. I'm really not crazy even though I sound like it at times I promise I'm notLol. just broken hearted scared and confused
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The way you're acting is completely normal I'd say. It's the denial stage of the grieving process. I went through it, I'm sure we all went through it. You need to keep it hidden though. 

This may sound harsh, but bear with me, I don't mean it to.

Your H left because you stopped being the person he fell for, in some way. I don't know what that way is, but that is almost always a factor. I know that was a factor for me. 

Calling up, crying, begging, pleading, even trying to rationalise or negotiate your relationship, shows a lack of self respect and self-esteem. This isn't attractive to anyone. I know I certainly acted out of desparation when my STBXW left.

If you hope to R, the only way that can happen is after you have healed. Focus on yourself and your children, do things you enjoy doing. Take your life back, because he isn't your world, YOU are your world. The sooner you learn this, the quicker the healing process begins.

You can't change other people, it's not possible. But - If you have any hopes of reconciling, the first thing you need to do is let go. Sounds counter intuitive right? The person who cares the most about the relationship holds the least power. Take your power back and focus on you, learn to be yourself and be happy by yourself again. 

He *will* notice this, and it may bring him back, if it does, great.

It may not though, and if it doesn't, great because you've learned to be happy by yourself, and you've got yourself back. I know you feel like you'll never love anyone like you love him again, because I was the same, but that isn't true. When the time is right you'll find love again, and it will be better and stronger, because you will have learned from your mistakes, and his.

Think back to a time when you were happy before you even met your H, a time when you were just happy being yourself. Hold on to that thought.

Nothing in life is positive or negative, it's all subjective. So look at it like this:

So, your H left, and now you're alone, and you've lost your job. Pretty hard times.

But opportunities are born from hard times. You now have a chance to find yourself again, to learn and become stronger, to learn how to put yourself first again. Regarding the job - you now have the opportunity to find something you truly love doing.

Keep occupied, stay strong, smile when you feel like crying. Laugh when you feel like screaming, and remember that TAM has your back.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Also, back to opportunities - in time you'll begin to see your entire relationship differently, once you begin detaching. 

At this point, you have the opportunity to evaluate if a relationship with your H is what you truly want, or whether you're in love with a memory of what you had, and whether you would settle for H or put the work on improving yourself in, and then find someone who truly deserves you. This is a big step in the process of letting go, and I guarantee you it won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile in life is.

And remember, you can detach naturally over time, but you can do a lot of things to speed the process up if you work at it. The 180 works wonders. Focusing on yourself works wonders. Making new happy memories that don't include your H, will work wonders.

Keep your chin up, and remember that you've been given a gift, you've been given your life back. It is what you make it.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Anner,

What are you doing for yourself?

Do you exercise? Do you go to church? Do you volunteer? Have you reached out to old friends?

How about a hot new nail color? Or hair color?

It's time for you to start to blossom. 

Stretch


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Have you read about the 180? 
I agree with the others, begging and crying just make a woman look desperate, if he cheated why are you begging him? He's got the upper hand and devalues you because of this. WHEN you talk to him tell him about All the interesting things you and the kids are doing. Don't let on that you miss him. He needs to see that you can handle life, you are a grown up, and the kids are your priority now.


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## kimh (Oct 27, 2013)

My heart breaks for you. I do know how you feel - my husband of 17 years left me and my 2 children only 2 months ago. I was/am devastated. But, even after only 2 months, it is better. And it will continue to be. 

I have read LOTS of books, articles, etc about reconciling/winning back your ex. The common theme throughout all of the books considered to be truly helpful is the idea of cutting ties and working on yourself. The most comprehensive list is the list of 180s by Michelle Weiner Davis from her book "Divorce Busting". These DO work. Read the posts here on TAM. Following the 180s allows your husband to see you as a strong woman, who is capable of taking care of herself and her family, and moving forward. More importantly, following them gives you guidelines for moving on and healing. You WILL get through this - for this too shall pass (I tell myself this about 200 times a day!) I also bought myself a necklace with a charm that says "I refuse to sink". Whenever I start to sink, I try to remember that nothing lasts forever - not even a broken heart.

If you are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life - because you ARE moving on!
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse about their whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.

Hugs to you. Keep posting - I will want to know how you are doing.
Kim


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