# Tips on getting him back



## funfun (Oct 27, 2010)

Hi there,
I'm pretty new to this forum. I'll try to make this as short as possible. I was with Joe for 8 years. We never discussed marriage, we had communication issues, but a very lovin happy relationship. He broke up with me 2 years ago. before getting over him i met ray (6 months later). ray and i got along super well and many things i didn't have with joe i had with ray. but after almost 2 years with ray and realizing that he was about to propose, i just broke up with him. i realized i had never really dealt with joe and our breakup and started seeing ray and i's problems as dealbreakers. ray and i didn't have this crazy soulful connection that i had with joe. we had less passion. but we had soooo many other, more important things. i realized after leaving him that it was actually him that i wanted. i went and got closure with joe. and after two months of soul searching told ray i really knew what i wanted and that it was to be together with him forever. 

he says that he's not saying no, but that i broke his heart and it's going to take time. he wants to keep our relationship open. which with us now seeing each other and sleeping together again is really hard for me to deal with. i try not to feel jealous, but i loved our sex life and thinking of him with someone else is just killing me.

I'm just wondering if anyone out there has some ideas on how to play this the right way. i don't want to play games, but i'm sure there's some tactics that will help him come around. i know we both love each other sooo much.... i know time will be a big factor, but are there any ideas on how to help convince him that i'm genuine? and that we don't need to take an excessive amount of time to become exclusive again. even if we take more time to test the waters before moving in etc...


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You dumped him for someone else. You can't expect him to instantly forgive or forget that. You need to accept that it's going to take him time. If you're not happy about sleeping with him while the relationship isn't exclusive...stop sleeping with him. 

You might be sure of what you want now, but you have to remember that you essentially told him you loved someone else more than him and then came back and wanted to play backsies. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but you do have to realize that you do have to prove yourself to him now. 

If you don't give him the time he says he needs, he's likely to decide it's not worth trying and he'll just end things. If you give him the time, show him that you're there to stay and that he can trust what you say/do, then eventually he may come back around to wanting what you had before. But you can't rush it or force it.


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## funfun (Oct 27, 2010)

yeah, I agree. i didn't really dump him for someone else though. i dumped him because i didn't want to commit to us. he doesn't think, nor is it true, that i loved someone more than him. i just wasn't sure about us until i had some space to realize that. and i had to realize that things with my ex were never ever going to happen again. and i had to make that choice being allowed for it to be a choice and not just how things were.

thanks for the advice though. i know it's true. it's just difficult to know what you want and be told to wait. but i can do it.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I disagree completely. You should have told him to give you a call when/if he is ever ready to commit again. By being with him now, you sold yourself short and cheap out of desperation of wanting him back. If commitment is what you wanted, commitment is what you should have held out for. "You broke my heart" is asinine reason not to be with a person if you really want to be with her. He sold you a bill of goods and you bought them hook line and sinker. He is enjoying himself in the great big sea, and now you are no different from all the other fish. You're just the one (or one of the ones) tickling his gills. You should have valued yourself more than this. Instead you valued him more and ended up in a semi relationship you don't like.


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## funfun (Oct 27, 2010)

Wow. really? We have friends in common and go to parties in common. So do you think we shouldn't spend time together dating again and seeing how things go? Like I should just tell him to let me know if he changes his mind? He's let me know that it's going to take some time for him to forgive me. So should we not have much contact in this time? I thought i was doing the right thing by hanging out with him and reminding him of what we had together.... 
wow river, you're throwing some new thoughts at me!
Thanks.


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## funfun (Oct 27, 2010)

One thing in favor of River's thoughts is that he's away fishing this week. Then I'm away this weekend. Then he's away next week. ... so some time will pass without seeing eachother no matter what. I could try my hardest not to text/email during this time.... that's really giving him space and it shows i'm not just pathetically waiting.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

That's the question. What is there to forgive? That you broke up with him? Who the heck needs to be forgiven for that? Had you messed around on him, or had you told him you hate him, or had you called him awful names, or had you done anything offensive, then that would be understandable. But breaking up with someone is something that needs to be forgiven? That is the bag of bull crap he sold you. 

No, I am not saying you shouldn't date him or break off all contact. Do you sleep with everyone you date? Somewhere in your relationships you have to draw a line that defines what the relationship is. To me, dating is dating. Sleeping together without commitment is casual. Going together means there is commitment. What you agreed to is a casual relationship - no commitment, no expectations, just fun for the moment whenever. He might have been hurt when you broke up with him, but that doesn't require forgiveness. Perhaps he would need time to trust that you are certain this time, but that's not forgiveness either. I don't think he wants to commit. I think he just wants to have fun. If fun is what you want, that's up to you, but you shouldn't settle for fun and casual out of desperation of wanting him to commit.


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## funfun (Oct 27, 2010)

Thanks River. I think he needs time to trust me again. I like sleeping together (A LOT) and that makes it hard to hang out together without that happening. I do agree with you that he's not ready to commit again to us cause he feels so burnt by what I did AND that he's enjoying being single and hooking up. I think he feels he has the best of everything right now. he's in the power position and he gets to do whatever he wants. i don't really know how to change that and all it seems i can do is not give him my body. is that really that important to him figuring out if he wants to commit to us again?

Do you think he will be able to trust me again if we're just dating with no sex? Like will that help convince him? With things being casual I felt that he would learn to trust me again. Fun is not all I want. How can I make him want to commit to me again when he was so ready to before? I guess that's just time??? Will holding sex away help that case?


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## funfun (Oct 27, 2010)

Ok. Point taken. i do respect and value myself. That's how I figured this out. I love myself more than i love him. And I will likely make some changes in the ways we interact. I guess it just takes some will power. but thanks a lot river. I think it'll work out with him in the end, it's just gonna take some time for him to trust me again and likely also get some single time in before a life commitment together. i'll just go about my business as well and just enjoy our time together without giving into sex. Cause it isn't a casual relationship that I want...
thanks.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

funfun said:


> How can I make him want to commit to me again when he was so ready to before?
> 
> Will holding sex away help that case?


Turn your question around. Will having sex with him help that case? No, it won't, and neither will withholding sex. 

You wanting this guy back is not what I am talking about. You want someone to offer you some tricks or some wisdom to get him to commit. But I'm not talking about that either. I'm not interested in telling you how to get this guy back.

I am talking about you and the value you should place on yourself. If you wanted a casual relationship, then you got what you wanted. But if you wanted commitment, then you were supposed to decide what it takes for YOU to commit and not try to figure how many different ways you can offer yourself up to him in order to get him to commit. The very simple fact is you cannot get him to commit without drugs, or hypnosis, or witchcraft or something. Only he can decide for him. So do you see how you sold yourself to him? Like you said, he has all the power. Why? Why is that okay with you? And why did you give him your power?

If you have any dignity and value yourself at all, you will not live for men. You will live for yourself, and the rest will follow. At the rate you are going, you are just like abused women who get beaten up every day. Have you ever wondered why they stay in abusive relationships? They stay because they are just like you - desperate for their man to love them instead of loving themselves more. So they settle for whatever they can get, rather than determining for themselves what they want, what they will and will not do, and what they will and will not tolerate. Do you see the similarities? You weren't supposed to settle for anything less than what you wanted. Or, you weren't supposed to settle because you thought it would get what you wanted. 

If you want commitment, you were supposed to tell him "Okay, I understand how you feel, so I am willing to give you time. Just let me know when you're ready." Dating and spending time together would have given him plenty opportunity to determine if he wants to commit again. But sleeping with him and the relationship being in every way the same as a committed one gives him nothing to commit to. Back in the day, people used to say "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" That was during a time women were encouraged not to sleep with a guy until after they were married. Even though everyone has sex before marriage these days, there still exists the necessity for women to exercise values and standards in dating and being together. That means you have to decide for your own sake, not for his sake.

A question to reiterate my point:
If he told you that in order to prove your love and prove you are sure you want to be with him, then you have to sleep with his friend, what would you do? Would think it okay because it will get him back? Or would you decide for your own sake and based on your own scruples that is not something you are willing to do? If you get my message, this is the same thing you've done. You decided for him, not for you.

Now, you are dissatisfied with the relationship because you want commitment. Get out of it if you don't want to be in it the way that it is. Sit him down and talk to him to let him know you don't want to be in a casual relationship. Tell him you are certain you want to be with him but because he isn't certain, then you are still willing to wait around, but the way things are going is just too hurtful for you and goes against what you believe in. You don't like sleeping together without commitment, but you still love him and want to just date and enjoy each other's company until he decides if he wants to commit or not. You'll see what lame excuse he comes up with this time, and you'll see if he begins to back away.


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## funfun (Oct 27, 2010)

Ok. Point taken. i do respect and value myself. That's how I figured this out. I love myself more than i love him. And I will likely make some changes in the ways we interact. I guess it just takes some will power. but thanks a lot river. I think it'll work out with him in the end, it's just gonna take some time for him to trust me again and likely also get some single time in before a life commitment together. i'll just go about my business as well and just enjoy our time together without giving into sex. Cause it isn't a casual relationship that I want...
thanks.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Just for the record, I'm not talking about playing games. I realize you want to find a way to make him commit and the relationship the way it is was not a concern that you are compromising your beliefs. So don't try to use my suggestion as a ploy to make him commit to you. If you really don't mind being with him casually, then keep things the way they are and keep on hoping he will again commit to you. But acting and playing games are childish and will backfire on you anyway. The point of my post was to encourage you to place more value on yourself and to determine for yourself what your relationships will be and why.


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## funfun (Oct 27, 2010)

Well I think I'm going to try to avoid those situations - and for the next three weeks that should be pretty easy. It doesn't really make me feel bad about myself when something happens sexually because I also enjoy it. But I don't think it's productive towards our getting back together and that's the reason why. I don't think I'll feel any less jealous if we're not sleeping together about who he is sleeping with.... if that makes sense. I'll still feel jealous - maybe even more so. but i do think it shows something to him and to me about how serious i am and that that's maybe more improtant than sexual gratification.


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## savevsdeath (Nov 9, 2010)

River is giving you some incredibly bad advice here. If you stop sleeping with him suddenly, even if you tell him why, he will almost certainly see it as trying to pull a reversal again. Remember, you broke up with him. You're the one that hurt him and bruised his ego, and thinking that he's just using you for a piece of a** is not the way to build the kind of trust and affection that might eventually lead to a renewed relationship. 

And cram that self-respect BS. One of the best ways to show a guy with a broken heart and a bruised ego that you screwed up and want to fix it is by doing precisely what you're doing; it _is_ a game, albeit one thats very important to you and hopefully him. Play to win.


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## funfun (Oct 27, 2010)

He's been extremely honest/open/loving/sincere with me. I know how very much he loves me and how much I broke his heart. But I dumped him and I think he eventually got excited to have the change to meet girls and flirt. I know it's me who he really wants. but, now i have to get/WIN him back. I'm playing things pretty well but I think it'll be pretty easy to take sex off the table for the next few weeks anyways without addressing it (which i don't want to do). So that's what I'll do. I'm probably not gonna make lots of rules for us. Cause we both love sex. 

I CERTAINLY don't think he's using me for a piece of ass. we were almost engaged. He misses our intimacy and I do too. It's only happened three times in two months. And I know that he's been with other girls. I also know he's all I want and that I'm all he wants too. I want our commitment back but he's not ready to do that. ... I should be able to understand that. but i think he's not ready to commit back to us, especially knowing that I am there, waiting for him. I'm in no place to give ultimatums or make demands and I think only time will tell.... so... I'll be spending time picking out outfits before we get together and being as loving as I am towards him. I know it'll work. I also have without words told him that if this is how it is then that's ok. and that I trust BOTH of us to act responsibly outside of our relationship so that our intimacy together can be safe. His eyes widened at that right before he agreed that we certainly love eachother enough to not make mistakes like that. That's not really a game to me, because it's true. One of the only ways I can even handle this is if I also am flirting and kissing. I know who I want.... that's 100% sure. but if this period is this then I'm not goin to just sit around and take it in the a$$ ;-) i'll get too depressed thinking of who he's out with.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Yes, funfun, let someone convince you to live your life proving yourself to men. You have no idea how deeply regretful you will find yourself to the point of hating yourself in the long run.

I will concede that suddenly backing off sex is not the best idea. My preference is that you didn't start having sex and settled for this relationship. But since I can't have my druthers, then don't do it suddenly. But two things: One is to still talk with him and tell him you find this hurtful (because it really is as if he requires you to be in this relationship the way it is in order for him to make up his mind, which is bull) that he seems to want to make you compromise yourself. And 2) make up your mind you are not going to do this forever. Give him a mental deadline. You don't have to tell him, but how long does he think this should go on? Honestly, how long do YOU think it should take him to be able to decide? He is having big fun at your expense. His ego might be bruised, but you did not hurt him. People break up every day. He needs to grow up talking about it breaking his heart. You didn't do anything to break his heart. Don't commit yourself to waiting until whenever and doing flip flops for his commitment.


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## funfun (Oct 27, 2010)

Well to be fair he's not really requiring me to do anything. He didn't tell me we have to have sex. I did that on my own volition. I can also just pull back a bit without making a big deal out of it. He's pretty perceptive and I think would just realize that I started to find it too painful. He's led me to believe that this is going to take a few months for him to trust me again. He doesn't want me to compromise myself and if i told him that this was hurtful for me, he would simply say then we should stop it. he would NOT say then I'll stop what I'm doing. I know that much. so bottom line is that i'm gonna feel jealous no matter what i say/do! haha. 

His ego is seriously bruised. I know I hurt his pride and his ego. But I've also been in contact with him during our breakup and he also knows i never stopped loving him but that i was taking time to figure things out and that i always hoped we would get back together. so it wasn't the worst breakup ever  he knows how much i love him. 

and i think i did hurt him by not being committed to him when he was so committed to me. and by not talking about our problems. this was because I wanted out. and i wasn't sure. now i'm so ready.... i am not really flip flopping. it's just hard to imagine the one you love with someone else. that's kinda just the bottom line. i'm happy to wait for him. i will love him till the end so we'll have plenty of committed times together 

thanks guys!!


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