# I just can't cum



## Lostandunsure (Jul 1, 2010)

Okay, this feels a little strange to be baring myself so to speak, but I really need some advice.
I can't cum when I'm with a man. I've only been with two men and I married the second one. I felt nothing even mildly exciting with the first guy except for his kisses. Obviously, that wasn't enough for me. Things started looking up when I got with my husband. He actually turned me on with his touches and closeness. However, there was no orgasm. I'm approaching 30 and I've noticed that sex has gotten a little bit more exciting for me. However, I still can't seem to O! My husband has been able to get me off once by oral (took FOREVER...not that I'M complaining! LOL) and only twice with g-spot penetration (Those caught me by surprise!). My clitoris is VERY sensitive. He can't touch it with anything but his tongue and even that's somewhat painful. Yet when we're having sex, I don't feel like I'm getting enough clitoral stimulation. We've tried the vibrating rings, but they affect him too and he doesn't last long enough for me to have my happy ending. We've done TONS of foreplay before penetration. I keep thinking, "This time, I'm going to do it!" But it never happens. He's an excellent lover (In my rather limited experience, although, once again, I am not complaining). He spends time on me and tries, honestly tries to help me. The only thing that has worked is a vibrator pressed on me versus put in me. Penetration just doesn't seem to work like it does for other women. :/ Any advice?


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Hmm. I never had a problem achieving the O, clitoral or vaginal.

Initially I had a "problem" of another nature. My Husband can last for a very long time while penetrating and initially, in a way, this long penetration has been a form of a torture for me. He wouldn't stop till I came whatever amount of times and quite often I had to beg him to finish.

Once, in between orgasms, my mind wandered and I thought "if he can enjoy doing it for that long, why shouldn't I enjoy it too?" I remember this moment very clearly - precisely when I thought that, I came again. So for me, in my way of thinking, ability to achieve an orgasm is a form of a mindset: I will cum because I can/I choose to, not because I have expectation or that certain conditions have to be met for me to be able to cum. Simply, yes I can thus I will.


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## hurtin4certain (Jun 30, 2010)

I'm with Reaching here. It is a mindset. Try to focus on your sexuality and not just the mechanics of sex. Lose your inhibitions (which will in itself drive him insane) and focus on your pleasure. It also helps to "squeeze" during penetration. Since you know there is nothing physically wrong because you have achieved O before, I say quit putting pressure on yourself with your expectations. Just go to the bedroom with having a good time in mind and truly let go. Allow your body to move the way it wants and talk to him, letting him know what feels good. Hopefully he will keep at it and if you concentrate on the pleasure you get from that feeling, that should do the trick. Don't worry about what he thinks about the noises or body movements you make. When you're self-conscious, it'll ruin it for you. When you turn your body over to the moment, he and you will get the most enjoyment from it.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Lostandunsure, you say that you can orgasm with a vibrator. It's very normal for many women to not be able to orgasm with a partner, but a vibrator works because of how it's designed. It offers a certain amount of rpms that give you a type of stimulation that a person just can't give you. It just might be that is how you are "hard wired" - and that is actually a lot more common than you would think. As long as you are having good sex with your partner, and that you can use a vibrator with him and orgasm too, then I'd say that's a good thing.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I like to squeeze him during intercourse. It feels good to me when I do that. He notices that I squeeze and likes it too. But I noticed I cannot cum when I'm squeezing. It detracts from my pleasure. I know that doesn't make sense to say it feels good to squeeze him but detracts from pleasure, but that's my point. So, I wonder if you are doing something to prevent your own orgasm. Even though it feels good, tensing your body, squeezing him, or whatever you do just might add to your pleasure in one way but prevent pleasure in another way. I squeeze to add to his pleasure - to simulate a vibrating sensation or to increase the tightness - but although I like it very much, I get to the point where I can't think of his pleasure in that respect. He's working to make me cum, but I'm working against his effort. So, I had to conclude that when he's working for me, then I'm working for me too until we are both working for him. Does that make sense? Can you think of anything you do or even your concentration that works against his efforts and prevents your own orgasm?

Something else is the way things are done, and you give me two aspects to address. You made both your orgasms sound like happenstance, but there is nothing surprising about it. Or least there doesn't have to be guesswork when proper technique is applied.

The first aspect is oral sex. You mention him using his tongue, but that is annoying for most women, which is the reason it doesn't normally work for you. It's too intense and counters pleasure. It is best to alternate between tongue action and sucking. The way for him to suck is to cup your clitoris in his pierced lips, pierced as if he were going to whistle or drink from a straw, then gently suck for a moment or two. Then, alternate back to gently using his tongue. But the tongue doesn't have to be directly on your clit. Ask him to lick just beneath your clit. You have an extremely sensitive area there that loves to be massaged. Then alternate back to gently sucking. A lot of guys are perfectly willing and enjoy going down on their woman, but not all are familiar with technique. Women don't know it either until someone does it. I don't know how many boyfriends I had, including my first marriage, before I finally came by way of oral sex. It always felt great, but I didn't cum until I met Mr. Technique LOL.

The other aspect is your G-spot orgasm. I take that to mean you had a vaginal orgasm during intercourse. Or, are you saying he massaged your G-spot and made you cum that way? Either way, it again sounds like neither of you are familiar with the techniques since you say your orgasm was a surprise and it never happened again. But it can happen all the time.....and very wonderfully. He just has to know where it is, rather than happening upon it. It is located roughly 1.5 - 2 inches (or slightly farther depending on the woman) along the top of your vaginal wall. Ask him to turn his hand palm side up toward your belly and insert a finger or two. Sliding along the vaginal wall, he will begin to feel a ridged or spongy area. There is no mistaking it because it feels like the roof of the mouth. To massage it, apply pressure and crook his finger back and forth toward your belly as if telling someone to "come here." He will drive you wild, and G-spot orgasms make some women ejaculate.

Usually, it's difficult to have a G-spot orgasm during intercourse unless specific attention is paid to the G-spot. Just like massaging it with his fingers, his thrusts during sex have to be aimed at the G-spot. Penetrating you past the G-spot as far inside as he can go does not allow for G-spot orgasm (unless his girth helps in that area, which usually it doesn't). You think penetration works for other women, but it doesn't because just like your guy, their men also penetrate past the G-spot. And this is where the problem comes in for most couples. Men think sex should feel good to her since it feels good to him. And women are wondering why it doesn't feel so good. Like you and your guy, most people have not yet learned how to make it feel good to her. For some women, intercourse does feel good, quite good in fact, but for the same reason she still doesn't orgasm vaginally. So, just make sure your guy does not penetrate past the G-spot and is able to concentrate his efforts on the G-spot. There are websites that teach various positions to increase access to the G-spot during intercourse. One position I like best is when he puts my legs on his shoulders and leans in a little to push my knees toward my chest. He goes to town on my G-spot, and I darned near lose consciousness - wink wink.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Hey just a note to say I know how you feel. Ive never had an orgasm with another person in my life (but I can do it in like 5 minutes by myself). It really sucks. And people wonder why we aren't so into sex  At least you say it feels nice for you - you are one up on me!


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## Lostandunsure (Jul 1, 2010)

Thanks, everyone for your responses. I have to say that both my husband and I have done a LOT of research into this problem. We know where my G-spot is, but no matter how many times he does the "come hither" movement with his fingers, very little happens, which is the cause for my surprise when I came from his penis hitting my G-spot. It literally didn't feel like anything was 'building.' It just took me. We have tried MANY different positions, but we have to resort to toys. As far as mindset, I think that might be an issue. I go into bed thinking, "Tonight's the night!" And why shouldn't I? I'm reaching my 'sexual prime' at almost 30 and, as I mentioned before, sex has become a LOT better. It's physically more enjoyable. It's strange, but, it feels like an the best deep tissue massage.
The fact that I can't O with him makes him feel that he is failing me and, in return, I feel like I'm failing him. The pressure is on, just not on the right spot! I think that MAY be what's holding me back, but looking back to my first partner, I didn't really have that pressure. We just played with toys until I came. My hubby will play with toys on me, but he doesn't like the idea that a piece of "plastic" as he calls it can do what he can't. I don't know. It IS pleasurable, just not in the way we both want.

Thanks again, everyone!


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## dsfg_lover_001 (Jul 4, 2010)

Well I understand how you feel.May be you have too much stress and worry too much.You should relax more when you have sex,if you still cant cum,maybe you should go to see a doctor.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Don't stress so much, try to relax and you have to realize that a lot, most women actually can't orgasm through penetration alone. My wife can most of the time but plenty of occasions (especially if she's drank too much alcohol) she requires a vibrator used on her clit while we have sex to orgasm.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Lostandunsure said:


> Penetration just doesn't seem to work like it does for other women. :/ Any advice?


MANY women don't orgasm with penetration! The one concern I would have is if it made your DH feel unmanly. Otherwise that he is open to other things is great!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I wonder if you concentrate too much on having an orgasm. I know when I feel it coming, if I start thinking about that it's coming, or if I kind of expect it ("Oh, I'm about to have an orgasm! Oh, here it comes!"), it tends to stop. As long as I don't think about it and just enjoy the sensation of whatever we happen to be doing at that moment, then it happens, and it's usually pretty intense. There's a few different things that you say that make me think it might be (at least partially) that you're just thinking too much. For example, the response where you say that you've researched and that "no matter how much he does the come hither" movement, you don't orgasm. That sounds like you expect it to happen, and that could cause you not to. I'm not saying you're wrong to expect one, but it's just...kind of like when you see an actor on TV and you know you've seen them somewhere before but you just can't think of where. The more you try to remember where you've seen them, the harder it is to remember. But if you just watch the show, get into the plot and don't think about it, all of a sudden, it hits you and you go "oh, yeah, that's so and so from such and such!" Same thing here. The more you think about and strive for that orgasm, the more it will elude you. But if you just enjoy the fun, next thing you know, you're staring at the ceiling going "Oh, wow!"


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## fairy godmother (Jun 10, 2010)

I sometimes have the same issue...I need more clitoris stimulation. My favorite position is on top so I can press down more and move at an angle that stimulated it more. Or, missionary position pulling my knees towards me causing more pressure down there too. When I masturbate it's easier to get off with my hand stimulating my folds and a slight brush of the clit than actual penetration... I've been concerned about it before as well...but you got to do what works best for you. Don't worry so much, relax and imagine how much love,effort and passion your DH is giving it and just be laid back and maybe then you'll have the best orgasm ever. Sometimes fantasizing helps me while in the act escalate my sexual desire. Oh, and I believe there are different levels of orgasm too and it's not such a mysterious thing. Good luck!


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

This is really common with women. For many there needs to be a certain amount of intimate harmony in the relationship before she can relax enough to let herself go.

Or yes it may simply be a matter of needing more clitorial stimulation. A vibe used during intercourse, preferably a heavy duty one that plugs into the wall, should help.

This is an annoying problem for a woman. For a man not being able to cum during intercourse can be devastating for him, and his partner.


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