# I Think I Done Good Tonight



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

So a couple of things happened tonight. First we were out at a kid's function and my wife commented that this woman that was there was a nutritionist who was speaking to #1 daughter's brownie troop about eating right. Well the woman looks like Skeletor to me. Like "eat a sammich!" skinny. So I said so, and stated that she did not look like someone who ate a healthy diet to me.

My wife got all bent out of shape and told me the woman could "kick my ass!" The nutritionist is very tall, well over 6', which I am not.

I calmly said, no she couldn't and I don't appreciate her making emasculating remarks to win what she saw as an argument. She started arguing some more and I calmly told her I was going for a walk.

She got very resentful and angry about it.

Later she ran home for some things with our daughter, then came back and called me from the parking lot, asking me to come park the car. It was a huge event and there was no parking nearby. I made the mistake of saying yes, without thinking first. But when I got outside the facility to the car, I calmly told her I didn't like her asking me to do things she could just as easily do herself. She again got angry, saying I knew should can't parallel park and that was the only reason she asked. 

Tonight she brought up the issues again with resentment. I asked her why she was angry. I said I wasn't angry, and wasn't holding a grudge about this. I told her in both cases I was simply stating my feelings rather than bottling it up and resenting her for it. 

She tried to accuse me of making a scene about it in public, and she couldn't trust me when I did that. I said I didn't make a scene in either case. I stated my feelings and let it go. In both cases she was the one who wanted to argue about it. I told her by simply telling her how I felt about it and letting it go, I was doing the exact opposite of causing a scene. There was no resentment, no storming off or yelling (which I may have done in the past). 

She did admit she expected me to argue with her in both cases and that's why she started pushing back at me out of habitual reflex.

I said this is a healthier way for us to deal with things and she knows that. I won't resent things for months afterward anymore and neither should she. The interesting thing was she really couldn't argue with what I was telling her, but she was still angry about it. She just left for a walk with her girlfriend all in a twist about this. I'm not really sure why, except that she's so resistant to change and it's making her uncomfortable?


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## Tigerman (Apr 5, 2012)

Drover said:


> She did admit she expected me to argue with her in both cases and that's why she started pushing back at me out of habitual reflex.
> 
> I said this is a healthier way for us to deal with things and she knows that. I won't resent things for months afterward anymore and neither should she. The interesting thing was she really couldn't argue with what I was telling her, but she was still angry about it.


Sounds like you played things pretty well. It also sounds like she has some old habits to unlearn. You might have to be a bit patient with her and repeatedly remind her that you're not looking to argue with her, before she really gets the message. A lot of built-in defenses can get developed over time. And she's almost certainly disoriented by your different approach, which will make her anxious and more easily angered. She probably can't just shut those reflexes off, but hopefully she puts in the effort to get past them and engage with you more productively.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Drover, you wont know it as such but you are on the path of what Jung calls individuation. Research Jung and Individuation. Do that and you’ll get the really big picture of what it is that’s going on inside of you.

In essence you are progressing through your life to be the person you want to be and so you are changing and evolving. Lets say your end game is character “Z”, the man you are the minute before you pass away and you’ve already been through characters A through N. Right now you are a changed and changing man.

But what happens with those around us as we are changing? Who do those people see? Who do they respond to and interact with? Let’s say as a thirteen year old you were character F and then left your home town. Twenty years later you meet up with an old school buddy. Who will that school buddy interact with? The person you were as a thirteen year old or the person you are now?

It’s the same with your wife and other loved ones. In your head you’re already a changed man and your changes are coming out via your actions. But your wife has not as yet caught up with your changes. By the way she sounds like a smart woman. In that she knows and she’s aware of the fact that she was responding to the OLD YOU! That’s really quite magical.

When we change as a person the whole dynamics around us change. That is after all the whole point of the exercise. But a few things happen. First off in general many people fear change. Why is he changing (this is a really big fear!). Who on earth is he going to be when he’s finished (you never finish!).

The really sad part sometimes is the fact that they will not recognise your changes and will hold you to the person you were instead of the person you have become and are becoming. That is, they are never able to change the “image” of you they have in their head into the image of the man you have become. When that happens they either force us to stay as we were or we leave them. There is no in between in these things, no treading water. If we really do want to change it is one or the other as we quite simply cannot be two people and be authentically who we are at the same time.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Individuation it is. 

Well done Drover






AFEH said:


> Drover, you wont know it as such but you are on the path of what Jung calls individuation. Research Jung and Individuation. Do that and you’ll get the really big picture of what it is that’s going on inside of you.
> 
> In essence you are progressing through your life to be the person you want to be and so you are changing and evolving. Lets say your end game is character “Z”, the man you are the minute before you pass away and you’ve already been through characters A through N. Right now you are a changed and changing man.
> 
> ...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Good job.

Keep it up.

She'll come around and she'll start to trust this "new" you.

Bravo.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You're her favoirte sparring partner and you won't throw punches. She's not used to it yet.

Good job sticking to it and staying calm.

I fully admit I would have blown a gasket if she asked me to park the car.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

sinnister said:


> I fully admit I would have blown a gasket if she asked me to park the car.


I wish I had thought to just tell her no when she first asked. But once I had said I'd do it, I had to do it. I thought calmly telling her how I felt about it without arguing was a good out.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Individuation......hmmmm, i like that


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