# My husband thinks I don't do enough work during sex so he'd rather masturbate instead



## cheerfulholic (Nov 28, 2012)

Hi! I've been married with him for almost 3months, been together for almost 7years and been living together for more than 1.5 years. Our sex life had always been really great until few months after we moved in together. We used to have sex often even multiple times a day but recently though, our sex life has gone to worst. We only have sex maybe once in 2 weeks and even in that one time, it was not good, probably last only 10 minutes because he was tired already.

I always have a high sex drive but I've only been with my husband, so I have limited experience whatsoever. So many times I would initiate ssex but my husband would just refuse because he was tired. Even when we were having sex, he will not cum, let alone make me finish, because he's either (1) has so many things in his head and (2) tired. This happens quite often now and always hurt me and makes me feel lonely so most of the time I will just masturbate on my own...and this means masturbating everyday!! This also makes me shut down and stop initiating sex as I am afraid to be rejected or feel emptiness again during sex. BUT FYI, he has continental shift work so I don't know how much impact this has on him.

One night this happen again, when we had sex but because he was tired he stopped and just lie down then after maybe less than 5 minutes went downstairs to watch TV instead of finishing the business. I was so upset. The next day, I saw him in the bath tub and watching probably porn (he didnt admit it but I saw him got startled and changed his window screen right away). We then had a conversation about it and he told me that its easier for him to masturbate than do the actual sex because I don't do any work.

Now, I am aware that whenever I am on top of him I can only do work for maybe 5 minutes more or less because my legs hurt a lot. BUT i tried to compensate my lack of physical strength by giving him blowjobs. I do like giving him blowjobs and love for him to cum everytime we have sex. But i also like to receive something in return once in awhile. We don't even have sex that often but during the times we do, I would expect him to go down on me when I give him blowjob BUT he doesnt. So I feel that he basically want me to do more physical work, on top of the blowjobs, without getting anything in return. Which I feel is not fair at all..

Here are the other things that give me confusion as well..

1) If he said he feels tired performing sex then where does he get the energy to exercise everyday and even last for hours doing the same exercise?

2) If he cannot cum during sex because he has so many things in his head then how can he put aside time to look at other naked women on porn sites to cum?

I had conversation with him a number of time about our sexlife but nothing is improving. I watch porn but I dont see women doing anything either other than blowjob. I never had any experience with any other men, which I regretted! so I cannot compare anything. I want to improve whatever Iam lacking but if he continues to do this way, then I feel like this marriage won't last..

Do all men feel the same way about sex? It's tiring so you would rather masturbate watching porn than cum while having sex with your wife?

I would appreciate any useful suggestions and answers.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

No, not all men feel that way. To me, only porn addicts would say that. One thing porn does do though is let's you have a fantasy closer to fulfillment if there's something your wife won't do. Does he have any fantasies to which you have told him no way? Maybe he'd rather not have sex since that's what's in his mind and he can't get that from you?

I don't personally think that is the reason, but it's worth considering.

My main concern is an affair. Yes, you've only been married a few months, but the sex has started to dull for a while now and you have been together seven years. To go from frequent sex to bi-weekly sex is odd, and then to expect that you do all the work as well with zero reciprication is additionally weird. It's almost as if he's saying that sex with you isn't really important to him so he'll only accept it on his own terms. That makes me wonder if he's getting it someplace else. Additionally, he can't cum often now? I could understand here and there, but to often be unable to cum would imply he's likely had an orgasm already recently. That may come from masturbation, but could also come from an affair. Have you ruled out a possible affair?

Also, did you acttually check to see if he was looking at porn? Could have been an e-mail or something from a mistress.

I don't mean to hammer on about an affair but it is something to consider.

Another thing to consider is scaling back on what you are giving him since it not only is not working, it's also not being recipricated.

Why did you not address this issue before marriage anyways?


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## cheerfulholic (Nov 28, 2012)

Hi Kingsfan thanks for your input! and to answer your question

_Does he have any fantasies to which you have told him no way? _

NO! I have never refuse or say no exactly to any of his initiative and even if I did say no for whatever reason, I would go back to him the same or next day. I am very open and I love doing wild things with him even role playing. I like to experiment but he is more of a conservative guy in bed even though he's always interested looking at other woman and make comment about them in front of me when we go to places, which always upset me.

_Have you ruled out a possible affair?_

Hmmmm....that makes me think BUT as of now I don't think he is having an affair. If ever, I am the one who thought about doing it as I am not satisfied at all and he is not doing anything about it despite the fact that I communicated this issue with him multiple times. I always hear stories about husband complaining about not getting enough at home but not the other way around so I dont know what to do  

_Why did you not address this issue before marriage anyways?_ 

I always thought it will go back the way it used to be. Our sex life is up and down and not consistent. There will be times when its really good but it happens very occasionally now and most of the times it is not good!

Also, do you expect your woman to do the work for you???

Once again, I appreciate your response!


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

how sad. so early into a marriage and such discontent. do not get pregnant! if everything else in your relationship is awesome, then keep talking and suggesting ideas, maybe suggest things you can do for him to make sex better for him, and tell him things you'd like to make sex better/more interesting for you. if he's your soulmate and love of your life and dearest friend and great partner, then you need to work it out. If he is failing in all of the above, then you need to reconsider this marriage.


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

He sounds like the typical lazy lover.

I would spin the table on his a$$ tell him it looks like if he wants equal work then when he starts giving oral you will return the same effort he puts in! 

sounds like hes watching too much porn or something else?

you know this is my personal thought on this type of situation. if you have to ask repeatedly then when they finaly come around its tainted.you shouldn't have to ask .if you ask and they reluctlantly give you some oral its usually not really worth it. because the whole time your thinking I hope they don't stop and you just start getting into it and they.....STOP!

very seldom dose someone who dosn't like giving change their mind and start loving giving oral.

if a satisfying sex life is a priorty to you then most likley this is not the man for you.sounds like you fell into the I setteled or was to scared to look for someone else so because we were together so long might as well get married. and even though once we are married it will be different.

sorry nope never works out that way.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

cheerfulholic said:


> Hi Kingsfan thanks for your input! and to answer your question
> 
> _Does he have any fantasies to which you have told him no way? _
> 
> NO! I have never refuse or say no exactly to any of his initiative and even if I did say no for whatever reason, I would go back to him the same or next day. I am very open and I love doing wild things with him even role playing. I like to experiment but he is more of a conservative guy in bed even though he's always interested looking at other woman and make comment about them in front of me when we go to places, which always upset me.


Good for you on your openmindedness. Does he know it bothers you when he comments on other women? Have you actually told him? I have the same issue with my fiancee and other men. Not mind you she usually only says it about movie stars or guys that she'd likely never see in real life, but it does bug me and she won't stop doing it either so I do know how you feel.



cheerfulholic said:


> _Have you ruled out a possible affair?_
> 
> Hmmmm....that makes me think BUT as of now I don't think he is having an affair. If ever, I am the one who thought about doing it as I am not satisfied at all and he is not doing anything about it despite the fact that I communicated this issue with him multiple times. I always hear stories about husband complaining about not getting enough at home but not the other way around so I dont know what to do


First, rule out an affair. Even if you don't think he's having one, it's not impossible he is. His lack of interest could be a cover in all honesty. I'm not saying he's having one, but it's always good to rule it out and really after a few weeks of snooping you should know one way or the other if you are able to get access to his e-mails, text messages, cell phone records, etc.

Second, that's not good that you have considered an affair. Have you acted on it all, even by means of flirting, e-mailing someone else, etc.? If so, any chance your husband came across knowledge of this?



cheerfulholic said:


> Also, do you expect your woman to do the work for you???


What do you mean? Do I expect my fiancee to pursue me, or to do all the work in the bedroom?

No to both accounts. I do expect that my fiancee will pursue me sometimes and to do more of the work in the bedroom sometimes, but not all the time. Sometimes is important, as it shows that they actually want you or desire you. Nothing sucks more than being the one who is doing all the pursuing or all the work in bed because you start to wonder if they actually even want you at all.

But I am the HD person in our relationship. I initiate more, I do more of the work, I suggest more things to spice up our sex life, etc. 



IslandGirl3 said:


> do not get pregnant!


100% this. If your sex life is an issue now (especially if you are considering an affair at all) bringing in a baby won't do any good and will make things worse. Plus, is it fair to bring a child into a marriage which has possible holes in it and could fail? Don't condemn a child to grow up in a split home.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Your H sounds like a lazy slob to me. Any guy that leaves his wife hanging when she wants to get laid or cum from doing so is giving her an opportunity and a reason to cheat. 

I have no problem jerking off when it is appropriate but I woud much rather be with my wife, who isn't exactly a porn star in bed but gets me crazy every time.


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