# Young married couple, when do you stop trying?



## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

Hello all, I have been on this site before but it's been some time and I am seeking further advice and/or comments on some of my relationship issues.

I am in a very confusing spot in my marriage. I will try to keep short but sweet so you do not have to read a novel so apologies if it seems choppy because I will have to paraphrase things to keep it from turning into one.

My husband and I married young. We had an unplanned pregnancy together and married 6 months after his birth.

When I met him on a blind date I was 20 (he was 22) and single with no children, by 24 I was married, gave birth to two children within 2 1/2 years, and purchased a home if that gives you an idea of what a whirlwind of a relationship we have had. 

Along the way we had layoffs (husband is a mechanic so 2008-2010 were not so great years for his trade), I had trouble finding a job as an entry level nurse, and we were just constantly transient. For so long we were just trying to make it that we never really paid much attention to our relationship. Opposite shifts, long days, and two small kids took all of our energy. 

In 2011 we were able to buy our home which provided the permanent home and security we needed to decompress. We also had our second child the same year. I ended up having to quit a job I very much wanted because my husband's shift constantly change at work which makes daycare a pickle. He carries insurance so it only made sense for me to quit.

After years of go, go, go I finally had time to think about the state of our relationship. What I found was that there was no relationship. 

Of course we had our fights along the way untill this point. We both have resentments that would take too long to explain and most likely do not always make sense. Mine are essentially that I always give up what I want for him to be happy and he never seems he is and his is that I am so independent that he doesn't feel needed, etc. 

We are exact opposite in every sense. I think the glass is half full, his is perpetually empty. I love the Rolling Stones and he loves Hank Williams Jr. I love a good beer and an outdoor concert, he is content with the golf channel and mountain dew.

He is truly a wonderful father, I couldnt ask for more of a better father to my kids. I always tell him if he put half the effort he put into our relationships that he put into his with the kids that we would be doing all right! Our children adore him and he they. So however this works out I always, always be thankful for this.

He is very laid back and does not show affection. He tells me that he loves me but that's the extent of it. He is not the best at intitiating romance and most of the time I feel like he forgets that I am actually his wife and not his roommate. Forgets anniversaries, Valentine's Day, I have not recieved a Christmas gift in years. I do not like to spend a lot of money on things like that, just a nice plant or candle would tickle me pink, but he cannot even manage that.

I am not un realistic. I do realize its normal to feel like your in and out of love with your spouse. I know that butterfly feeling is not constant. But I did not know that it would never be there. 

I feel bitter because I try really hard to take care of myself. I am not the hottest lady to exist but I try my best to walk every day to keep in shape, do my hair, and wear nice clothes...and I swear he wouldn't care if I were wearing a paper bag and smelled like onions all day. He on the other hand is not the best about grooming which also pisses me off because really you can't clean up for me just to go to dinner? He smells like BP most of the time and he doesn't care. I do not care what you look like, really, but I do care that you take pride in yourself, know what I mean? None of my boyfriends have ever been what society would call a hottie but it is personality and self confidence that attracts me to a person not that they look like Brad Pitt.

I trust him 100%. I know neither of us would cheat, hell we don't have time even if we wanted too, and we are not abusive towards eachother at all. We do not have any of the major relationship issues that you see people divorce over other than we married too young and were so, so naive. 

I keep trying to say lets have this romantic date or hey maybe you could try this. He will be really attentive and make an effort for, oh I dont know, 24 hours and then its back to basically making me feel like I am his friend.

I have done A LOT for this man. I moved to where he wanted to move, I gave up my job so he could keep his dream job, I do everything around the house including managing our finances, without asking much in return. I am not hard to please, I love small little cheesy gifts. Hell I get excited about getting teddy bears. So its not like I am saying hey live beyond our means and buy me a diamond ring. I am tight wad, I just want him to realize that we could have a wonderful marriage but he is throwing it away.

I changed when I became a young mother because I had too...I had to grow up and be responsible for a beautiful life coming into this world and I don't think my H was expecting the change in roles. I am now what I would call the head of the household and he comes to me to make sure he can spend money now (not that I keep our money from him, he just wants to make sure we do not go over our budget). 

I gave up my dreams to keep this family together. I want my children to have the life I always prayed for. A whole complete family. But when do you stop trying to get the other person to give? To actually put forth effort? When he thinks I am out the door its like a whole new guy, he will schedule a date, and give me a back rub, etc. But when he knows I am over it, he doesn't do those things.

We have no spark, no special something. I feel like I am drowning. And you know I feel pissed. I feel pissed that I put my whole being into this family and marriage and all he has to do is go to work ( at a job he loves so its not like he dreads it), come home, play with our kiddos, then do whatever when they go to bed. I have tried to do stuff he likes so we can form some intimacy, he never asks what he can do with me. 

I cannot make him want to be married. But I also hate to give up on a marriage that does seem to have any major issues. We are both good people. But are we too different? Can you make it work when two people are opposite? 

I don't understand him..I told him if was not in love with me we would take care of our babies together still but would divorce as nice as possible. I would stay in town and I wouldnt have him pay child support, we could just split the expenses down the middle. He said no and started to cry..which made me have hope that he does want to be married but the next day he back to being the same!

I just want the truth. I don't feel the in love feeling on my part right now. I am just tired of being the giver. I am trying to get back into my career field to do something for ME for once. I refuse to keep giving up my dreams for a man who can't even get me a damn card on my birthday.

Can this be fixed honestly? Or should I say after almost 5 years of marriage that I have given enough and I cant be married by myself anymore? The thing is I dont want to be with anyone else but it hurts too much to keep living in this marriage every day.

I had to leave a lot out like I said before too keep this somewhat readable but hopefully you all get the idea and can help shed some light. I would LOVE to hear a guy's perspective on this. If he isnt in love with me, I have told him before, please just tell me, I can take it. And he says the opposite every time but then puts not effort in our marriage. IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!

thank you all.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

If I understand correctly you got married because you had a child together. If so, it doesn't sound like there was that foundation there and he isn't willing to put forth the effort to make you feel more valued in the marriage. 

Complacency does make sense when you have everything you need. If crying makes your wife stay, cool. That isn't any effort at all. It works for an infant too. Except an infant has an excuse. 

Generally people recommend marriage counseling before just splitting up, and if he is willing to do that then great. But ultimately he is going to have to make the effort, not just go to counseling. Because the counselor is going to tell him he has to make the effort.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Can this be fixed honestly? Or should I say after almost 5 years of marriage that I have given enough and I cant be married by myself anymore? The thing is I dont want to be with anyone else but it hurts too much to keep living in this marriage every day.


I think it can be fixed, but just as you can't be married by yourself, you can't fix it by yourself, either. He has to participate in repairing and rebuilding. 

If talking about divorce hasn't made him realize that your marriage is in deep trouble and requires his attention, I honestly don't know what will.


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

@Wiserforit..I don't know I would say we got married just because we had a baby...Do I think we would be together today if I would have never had our son? No...but I was also very young and would never think of settling down at the age. I WAS in love with him when we got married and he was a different person then because we had not experienced too much stress at that time..it's like the hard times defeated him and changed him. If he would have been this person before we got married, I would not have chose to do so...I get what your saying complacensy makes sense to him becuase has it all..but do I really have to put our kids through a seperation and possible divorce just to nail it into his head that I am not a stepford wife? 

We did do counseling last year. Our Counselor told him what you all have said, that he has to make the effort or it will never work. He did pretty much confirm that I what I had been feeling is correct that I had been doing all the work for two people by myself. We ended up only doing 6 sessions, with our daycare costs $80/pop was a bit much to handle. 

How much more time should I give I guess is what I am looking for...I wish I had sudden clarity on this...


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

Sorry for typos, I do not spell well when I am a bit anxious.


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

And the kicker of it is that when I have had enough of the non involvement in our marriage and I am just like whatever, live your life, I won't bother you, he gets salty! When I approach our marriage like he does he actual has the nerve to be sad or upset about it...he won't say it because he avoids confrontation like the clap but he will mope around untill I approach him. I swear it's like he knows what he is doing.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Would he be willing to do anything, even the smallest thing, to try and improve things?

If not, then it's not going to get better no matter how much time you give it.

Would he read a book? A lot of people speak highly of "The Five Love Languages" to help in understanding each other's needs and priorities. Would he be willing to read that with you?


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

I actually had a friend suggest that to me : ) so regardless I am going to read it since you brought it up...would he read it? I think he would try for one day and then never get around to reading it again. He hates to read apparently. He will try small things to improve untill I do not saying anything but the minute he notices I am over it, it's back to the same. It's just an odd relationship. Very nice to me as a friend! Will run to the store to get me things, rubbed my feet every day I was pregnant, would come get me at a bar at 3 am after a fun night with my friends and would laugh right along with me instead of being irritated he had to be out that late.
...but when it comes to doing something like scheduling a date, it's like he has dementia.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Marriages take a lot of work from both parties. Not just one. If he's willing to work on yours, it absolutely can be saved. Without that, well that's another story.

Not to even imply that he's cheating but never feel that someone doesn't have time. If they are motivated, they can find the time.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you.


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

No I know what you mean...the thing is if I thought he was cheating, I would actually be relieved! Because I would have a yes or no answer to my questions, a clear cut reason to leave. But he never likes to go out with friends but encourages me all the time to get out and have alone time since I home with the kids all the time. He barely knows how to use his cell phone so I know he is not doing internet crap. If he is not at work then he is at home tinkering in his garage or playing with our kiddos. So he just isnt making the time. For some unknown reason that apprently I have no insight to what it is.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like for some reason he's checked out. Do you think he would agree to counseling?


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

He did before and we went..honestly we cant afford it right now. With going back to work our daycare costs are pretty high, we will be able to in a few months but I don't know if we can make it that long..our last guy was $80/pop with insurance. And he wanted us to come every week...yeah, right. So maybe I can find a discounted service, not sure if this exists outside of a church and we are not religous.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Is there anyone impartial the two of you would feel comfortable talking to? I didn't do counseling 30 years ago when my husband cheated and should have. Instead, I did a lot of rug sweeping. I am only now, after 45 years of marriage, getting out. I definitely wouldn't want to see you deal with a not great marriage for as long as I have (not for the same reasons, of course). It's no way to live.


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

I know what you mean, I appreciate you sharing you perpective on this and your own experience...I think sure I could find an impartial person but you know when we had the therapist he told him the things I told him and he just went back to the same old same old. If I thought it would help I would find a way to pay for the sessions. Because I want it to work that bad. I just have never heard of this happening I guess. When my mom would get divorced (multiple times) it was a damnb omb going off every time. There is no bomb type things going on here that I know off...help maybe he is a super stealthy cheater and is one of those guys that has an entirely different family 5 states away that he only sees 3 times year because he "travels for work." I have no other explanation for it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You say that you were in love at one time. Did he plan dates then? Did he show affection then?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The one thing I learned during my marriage is that you never really and truly knows what is going on in someone else's head. I think most of us here who have been cheated on have been shocked that our spouse would betray us. I absolutely was. And did everything wrong and contributed to the rug sweeping.

It's easy to back slide when working on marriage. Because it's work and not fun. It's tiresome and you have to be really motivated. That's why there are so many unhappy marriages out there.

I'm cynical at this point but I point out to people questioning why at this stage of my life I'm getting a divorce that just because a marriage is very long doesn't mean it's happy.

Will he discuss anything with you?


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

yes! Before we had kids. We were together exactly one year when I found out I was pregnant. And during that year he did the nicest things anyone has ever did for me. I was a broke college student and he would literally go buy me groceries, would drop them off in my fridge, and I would come home to it. Our first valentine's day he noticed I loved a certain show and he bought me the entire DVD collection. And it wasnt all money either..when my sister was mentally ill (long story! thankfully she is ok now) and I was terrified, the night I drove home from her house 6 hours away he had left me a note on my door step telling me he loved me and supported me. He lived an hour away too so he drove just to put that at my door. 

He also would take interest in my things too, would go hiking with me, see movies, and I love fairs so he would find them for us all the time so we could go. I


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

@openminded..I guess i dont see how he could cheat and me not know? I control all of our money because I am good at stuff like that. He doesnt even have our bank password just because he has never needed it. His checks come directly to our bank account and I check our stuff every day ( our CC was stolen not so long ago so I am paranoid!). I also just ran credit checks on us since you get a free one and didnt see any odd credit cards...are there some other signs I could check for? I dont want to be naive, if he is cheating, my ass is out the door faster than he can see divorce.

and what do you mean discuss anything with me? like life in general?


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

I should also mention since it kind of pertains to this conversation that he has had problems down there if you know what I mean. I was his first everything! And had problems when we first go ttogether. Turned out it was a medical issue, his testerone levels were bottomed out. So he is fine now after rectifying the issue but that kinda messed with his head. So i guess i dont see him having the confidence to jump in the sack with someone? but maybe i am wrong!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not all unhappy spouses cheat. We are just used to seeing so many of them here.

Yes, did the two of you discuss feelings, hopes, dreams, etc. Children change the dynamics of a relationship. They demand a lot of time and energy. Sometimes the marriage slides because of that.


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

yes we do talk like that. we actually talk about things we want to do when the kids are grown, he tells me about work stuff, I tell him about my work stuff. We talk about buying a house in the country when we have the money so I can have all the farm animals I have always wanted and he can have a million cars to tinker on. He tells when his pissed off about something..but when it comes to our relationship problems...its silence.


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

And I believe part of his problem is that he never goes out of the house by himself to hang out with his friends. I tell him to go be free for awhile, go to the bar, have some beers, laugh with friends...but he is the only middle 20 something man who does not want to do that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Most men aren't that great when it comes to discussing relationship issues. It usually takes a huge crisis before they realize that all is not well in that area. Women are more comfortable discussing their feelings so we are ready to fix the problem. Most men would rather pretend the problem doesn't exist.


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

You are so right...I cannot hold stuff in for the life of me, if I am pissed I have to say it, I am blunt to the point it has gotten me in trouble in the past so now I try to reign it in a bit more...I guess what you all have said before is I can't force him to do this. His parents have been married for years...I think the love eachother but they do not show affection or rarely fight at all..they just like to sit on the couch together all evening and watch TV...i cant live like that and sometimes I think thats what he wants.


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

I also wonder is it just me? Am I expecting too much? Recently I have had a mini mid life crisis thinking holy crap I am 25, married, I have two kids, and I have no idea what I like anymore. I have changed greatly since we first met because well I had to grow up and be responsible for the kids. He has told me before that he just feels like he is around to pay bills...but I have never told him that so I am unsure why he would feel like that. He thinks I dont need him but why I should I have to fill his 1950's expectations of a needy wife who relies on her husband for everything. I am just never going to be like that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's totally possible he wants a marriage exactly like his parents have. But he has to understand that you aren't a carbon copy of his mom.

I also married very young. And changed along the way. Sometimes I felt my husband and I were on the same page and sometimes not.

But the one thing I learned during my 45 year marriage is that communication is key. Mine didn't have that. Make sure yours does.


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

Thank god I am not a copy of his mom lol! Love the lady but sheesh. Thanks for your advice openminded...I guess the only one who can decide if this is working or worth it is me...I just wish I could see into the future is all, dont we all though. I want to work through our hard times and rough patches but cant do that with a silent partner...I just wish he would get it but if he hasnt yet he most likely never will...For now I will just concentrate on my job hunt and trying to get back to work and focusing on my kids...I am sure the answer will drop into my lap along the way. This marriage crap is the most confusing thing I have ever been through. Best of luck to you friend...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is some reading that might help you a lot. If you read them, do it in this order:

"Divorce Busting"
"His Needs, Her Needs"
"Love Busters"


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

NurseDippy said:


> We did do counseling last year. Our Counselor told him what you all have said, that he has to make the effort or it will never work. He did pretty much confirm that I what I had been feeling is correct that I had been doing all the work for two people by myself.
> 
> How much more time should I give I guess is what I am looking for...I wish I had sudden clarity on this...


Right. 

Then looks like you are going to need choosing between separation and filing for divorce.


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

I think your correct wiseforit...it's just hard to feel like your letting your kids down you know? They mean the world to me and as a child of divorce I know it will hurt...Seperation will be the best thing for me for now..not ready to head into D world yet but maybe we do need to live our lifes seperate for some time. I just dont my babies to blame me later on..the thought of that kills me.


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## missmim (Dec 29, 2012)

Nursedippy, I just wanted to say I feel for you. My relationship has/had a very similar dinamic. Kids early on before marriage, I'm the social one, he is introverted and a homebody who loves tinkering, I handled all finances, kids activities, daycare, household duties and a job (sometimes two if money was tight). He will pick me up late from wherever with no complaints.

It took years of being miserable, trying everything I could think of to get my husband to show appreciation in a way I understood. We are not where I would like us to be now, but it is a bit better. We have now been married 10 years together 15 and only in the last couple months have I seen an improvement. I felt and still feel (although to a slightly lesser degree lately) so lonely as a women and wife. I have friends, I want a husband.

We too talked about it, it was the same conversation over and over, with some change for a little time. It felt like he was putting in the least amount of energy he thought he could get away with to pacify me. He admittedly took me for granted, said he would try harder, with little results. 

I finally realized his word meant nothing to me anymore, and I was starting to go numb. I wrote him a letter explaining as much. I decided we needed to seperate and I meant it. I was near empty and had nothing left to give.

My husband has always loved me, but couldn't show it. 

Instead of telling him what I needed from him, over and over, and hoping he would see the light, I took control. I said I was leaving, that i would move away from him. I told him things would be amicable and there was no need to fight. I started looking for apartments and only talked to him about the logistics (I guess it was the 180). 

That is when I started seeing the changes. He understood how serious my pain was and it was now up to him to prove to me, by actions alone, that he was worth my time. 

I'm not sure if this will help, but if there is love and effort by both, I think it can be saved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If you think you will always have that spark in a marriage then you're in for a big disappointment. You should have stayed single and jumped from one couch to another when that spark faded.

You have made sacrifices but that's what a marriage is. You said he was a mechanic, I'm guessing an auto mechanic? I'm sure you can guess how physically hard that is on him and not only that but mentally as well since now the support of the family rests solely on his shoulders. That amount of stress has to take its toll on him.

What you're doing right now and with your last thread, last year is making the foundation of the affair you're thinking about having. You're bringing up issue's in your marriage(I honestly don't see anything that is more then any other marriage out there, in fact much less then others) and magnifying them. Those will be the validation you'll need to stray out of your marriage. In your head anything and everything you'll do is justified because your husband was such a "bad" one.

I suggest you first start by educating yourself on what a real marriage is, not the ones you see on movies or other fantasies. Then read books(such as the one's EleGirl suggested) on how to open up your husband and have him get more interested in you and vice versa. Take some lead and plan some things you'll do with your husband. Don't ask him what he wants or if he'll come, just plan it ahead of time and once he's home, out of the shower take him there. Good luck.


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

Thank you missmim, this made me tear up because you know what I am going through and at times I think people have a hard time understanding a nice but emotionally stunted husband. I don't get why it takes leaving to get them to wake up and realize marriage takes two but its my only option left. I am starting the numb feeling you described, even to the point I feel he would be better off without me...that's when I knew when we were in trouble, when I stopped feeling hurt when her forgot my birthday again etc. I just expect it now. I have had to shut the love down and it's pretty far down now I have to say...my fear is I will leave and I won't want to come back. Did he ever tell you why he couldn't be more affectionate towards, why he couldn't show he loved you? Our husbands sound very similar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

@keko I believed I specifically stated before that I know marriage isn't always sparks and fireworks but was concerned that isn't there at all and was questioning the normalcy of that. And trust me I know about back breaking jobs. I have been a nurses aide then a nurse for years and I am not on my butt all shift eating Bon bons. I have worked through both of my pregnancies and only quit when his job made it impossible for me to have one and not have our children in a center 14 hours a day. Trust me if it was a me world he would stay home and I would work. He works for the city and is union, his job is exponentially easier than mine, it just pays better. I am not sure where you got the idea I wanted to have an affair other than the fact that I was concerned he was having one. I would not cheat on my husband, if I wanted to go **** around (which I don't, never have) I would just divorce him. I suggest you seek a mental health eval, I have moon lighted in psych can I spot a case of the crazies from a mile away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

Oh and my post from last year which clearly anyone can reference basically said everything I just said here but one year later. You may need to put some glasses on. Are you a web troller lol? I have heard about people like you but I am not on these kinda things enough to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You can't answer my observations properly then insult and call me a troll.

Guess who needs a psychological evaluations?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

You can't read my post correctly dear, sounds to me your just looking to piss someone off because your in a mood and its not happening here so move on with your salty self and troll on friend. Thanks for your ever so informative comments.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

And all of your observations were clearly off base and didn't all refer to the issues I was trying to gain some sense of. If they did I wouldn't have implied you were a troll. Don't expect to take my words completely out of context and spin them into some scorned wife wanting an excuse for an affair and not expect me to think your a crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You still can't respond properly to my observations.

I recommend you read them once again and think about them.

If you're still not satisfied, read a few different stories from various sections of this site and see for yourself of what I'm trying to tell you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

Person your talking in circles, your observations are off kilter and make no sense or relate to this topic. If they did I would gladly respond in kindness like I have done with every other post. Some people actually really are hurting and are trying to find ways to keep their marriage whole not trying to find ways to go cheat. Your very assuming and you know how that saying goes. Thanks to everyone else for their input
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

NurseDippy said:


> He did before and we went..honestly we cant afford it right now. With going back to work our daycare costs are pretty high, we will be able to in a few months but I don't know if we can make it that long..our last guy was $80/pop with insurance. And he wanted us to come every week...yeah, right. So maybe I can find a discounted service, not sure if this exists outside of a church and we are not religous.


Marriage Help Program For Couples

Cost us $65 to attend. We got a scholarship for the other $300 because hubby was unemployed at the time and we were single income.

The Catholics sponsor it but we aren't Catholic and we did not find it heavy handed at all with the religious aspects.

The post sessions are worth their weight in gold (way better than MC), totally free, and are a "peer to peer ministry", run by other couples who have been through the bad days, found Retrouvaille, and come out the other side.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You just proved my point.

You came here for the validation, and got some. But when someone challenged you, you instantly denied and insulted them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

Thank you for the link! Very appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

NurseDippy said:


> I think your correct wiseforit...it's just hard to feel like your letting your kids down you know? They mean the world to me and as a child of divorce I know it will hurt...Seperation will be the best thing for me for now..not ready to head into D world yet but maybe we do need to live our lifes seperate for some time. I just dont my babies to blame me later on..the thought of that kills me.


The kids learn from what they see either way. 

Separation is kind of what I figured. I have no knowledge of whatever was going on with the last year's post and I am certainly not for divorce/separation over trivial issues (!).

Rather, this looks like one that went through counseling without resolution. Separation doesn't have to mean having relationships with other people. You set conditions on what the separation is about.


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

Ok you caught me. I cheat all day every day, I have every STD in the book, and I just come on here to live a lie and be validated. 

I like that they have time with other couple who have been through a rough time and made it through @blonde. It's helpful to see a living example that it can actually work with therapy and hard work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NurseDippy (May 30, 2012)

Oh Jesus there is nothing about other people. Please reference my old post. It's exactly the same as this one. I have not once made mention that I am going to cheat, simply stated that I was heart broken that I couldn't get my husband to pay attention to me and felt like I would have no other choice but to leave in the future and eventually find a partner who would be interested in me and my interests.
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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

NurseDippy said:


> Hello all, I have been on this site before but it's been some time and I am seeking further advice and/or comments on some of my relationship issues.
> 
> I am in a very confusing spot in my marriage. I will try to keep short but sweet so you do not have to read a novel so apologies if it seems choppy because I will have to paraphrase things to keep it from turning into one.
> 
> ...



Sounds like your love language is receiving gifts and service. May be telling him this is the first step for you to feel loved again. 

Another thing is, i know it is not easy to dedicate your time managing the House and kids when you have spent most of your day working and having a career. I felt the same, resentful that husvand got to go out and work while i slave away doing House chores, somewhat so called traditional housewife job. 
I felt better when i realized the kids get the mum to be around and home cook meals are more meaningful plus working hour is flexible.. More so husband help out, may be a little but it shows that he cares.

But first thing first, communicate to him it makes you happy and loved when he gives little gift. Be it materials or edforts to be presentable. Second step you need to take is to see the good of your job. Good luck.
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## missmim (Dec 29, 2012)

Nurse dippy, 

I asked my husband what would have worked 5 years ago. His answer was somewhat like mine. He had to learn to value himself, and was depressed for a long time. Some of it was the fact that we had children young and while I instantly "grew up" to take care of our children it took him longer. Learning to express emotion was and is a vulnerable position he still struggles with. If they are as similar as they sound, you are your husbands world, but showing that is difficult for him and he underestimates the pain it is causing you. 

My husband would get stuck. It took a long time for it to sink in. 

How was your husbands childhood? 

He may need to see ic, if able and willing. This was a difficult subject in our household because my husband came from a family who rug swept every problem and was against airing your dirty laundry to anybody. Counciling was for "crazy" people.
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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

It seems unfair to be blaming him for YOUR choices? 

First you state that it made sense for you to stop working because of health insurance and work schedule accomodations (decisions of a parent). But now you are blaming him for you giving up your job for him to have his dream job.

You asked "When do you stop trying to 
get the other person to give?"

You're asking the wrong question.

You can only be responsible for what you bring to the table (good and bad).

It sounds like you resent your husband because you failed to establish your own boundaries for what you need in the marriage. 

You're working really hard at trying to be right and show how much of a marytr you've been. That line of communication seems to have been ineffective.

Try being honest with him....Why start with what you don't like about the state of your union? Begin with what you like (even if it is how he is a good father or how he provides). But then be honest (and specific) with what you would like. 

I don't mean to come across as crass or unfeeling...

It can be overwhelming...


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## missmim (Dec 29, 2012)

I don't think deep down she is angry for giving what she gives, she is hurt for not feeling appreciated for the effort and sacrifices she has made and continues to make for her family. 

The pain causes you to tick off all the things you have done, more of a justification to yourself that you are holding up your end of the bargain. 

I would be willing to bet that she would give this and more to her husband if she felt love and appreciation. It's probably how she ended up in the spot she's in now. She was willing to give, in several ways to her husband who shows her love and appreciation, but now she isn't getting her emotional needs met and the giving has drained her.

When I feel loved and appreciated, I want to give to my husband. Take that feeling away and it becomes to feel that my duties and responsibilities are expected (which many are, i know) right or wrong, things start piling on and the weight and hurt become criping to the point of having to shut yourself down to get away from the pain. 

Nobody likes to feel used, taken for granted and unloved. This may not be reality but she ISFeeling these types of feelings. 

Are there things she can do, yes, but they are tough decisions that effect her family. If he is not giving what she needs to feel loved, the love will slowly die.
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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I've been with my H for app. 35 years now and there have been great ups and serious downs. We have two children who changed the marriage calculus in ways that I thought would be the death of our relationship.

What happened is that the work of having kids and jobs and the pressures of everyday life made us insensitive to one another. The only way I can describe it is that we became two-dimensional targets to each other, building resentments and complete pictures in our heads about the other's motivations, feelings, ideas, and desires. I think we both felt hopeless at times.

At one point though, I started to try very hard to listen to my H. I sat back and really listened. I could hear that he was trying and that he was as frustrated with me as I was with him. I realized that I had stopped treating him with real compassion a long time before and was too aggravated and aggrieved to give him credit for the work he did, for the years that he stayed, for all the time that he was equally irritated, unfulfilled, and ultimately resigned to our fate.

All I can say is that I made a very strong effort to get past the resentment and to try to understand that my analysis of him was very possibly not at all reflective of his reality. I started to accept that he needed explicit instructions from me because, as he said, he 'wasn't a mind-reader.' I told him, for example, that Christmas was important to me , and that bringing me flowers would get a very grateful, loving reaction. (Now I get flowers every week & if I say anything critical, he points out that he shows his love with flowers - now I know that this is true.)

Anyway, I just decided to try to accept that his love and understanding were different from mine and that he could be just as hurt and frustrated as I, that he was working just as hard, but in his own way.

For me, the elemental word was 'compassion,' something that I had lacked in my own self-righteousness about the drudgery that my life had become with the rat race of raising kids and keeping the career and house going. When I offered my H some real compassion and gratitude for his own commitment, he gave it back to me. His own defenses and admitted cluelessness about what I wanted wouldn't have made it easy for him to do this on his own.

FWIW, it sounds like your H is trying hard to be a good provider and father, so his heart appears to be in the right place.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I haven't read all the post yet..But about halfway through.My feeling from my perspective is that your husband IS loving and attentive to you and your children.In his way.But its not in the way you want.Or you want what he already does and then on top of that other specific things hes just not a natural at.

Like you can count on him if you need something (more practical) sounds like you ask then your wish is granted..He's devoted and faithful..

You say he wont PLAN a date night..If YOU plan a date night will he go?You say he doesn't give you b-day or Christmas gift now that I would think he could manage..Do you a) remind him yor B-day is coming up and give him some ideas..Like I would love a new house plant or any kind of scented candle etc? Again at Christmas maybe he draws a blank ?IOW make it "easy for him" like a list of ideas that HE can choose from?

Some of the other stuff not being your ideal of "hygenic"..That is so personal in the sense its his routine /preference..But what about taking a shower togheher? LOL!!

Even though hes not prince charming (for you ) he really seems like such a sweet hard working devoted husband and father..who obviously loves you ..(he cried when you suggested you might leave)....he works hard...and sounds like he is there for you when you ask for something.To pick you up late without complaint at 3 am?...He will run to the grocery store..He sounds "engaged" as well as far as talking about things..Just not the relationship ..but about your day ..his day...etc...

Think about him not being there..and not having him around ..would you miss him? Would you maybe think you might have taken him for granted?His love?The way HE loves you ?


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## reubsky (Mar 21, 2013)

i hope you will learn slowly how to be a couple by putting more patience to know each other


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