# Marriage Being Destroyed By Mental Health Issues



## AR26A (May 4, 2013)

Not sure where I should start. I am an outgoing person and absolute doer. I run several businesses, do art, go hiking, and do social events. I am the sole earner for the family through my businesses. The income I take home is very modest, under 60K.

My wife is the polar opposite. She prefers to stay home and do crafts, and art, and she takes care of the home and our son. We have always gotten along well and almost never, if ever fight, even after 15 years. I feel that she loves me more than any other person in the world and I can trust her completely.

The trouble started in 2015 when we had a child. The pregnancy did not go as planned and he ended up being born 2 months early. Our son recovered, but was eventually diagnosed with autism. His form of autism was not severe, but ever since my wife has retreated into her own world. She no longer likes to go out with me or spend time with me. She doesn't do her crafts or art anymore. She doesn't want to go out with friends anymore. I understand that this is due to the depression and embarrassment she is suffering from over having an autistic child. I know because I feel it too. All of my friends who had kids abandoned the playdates and outings as a result, even old friends that I've had since childhood.

COVID-19 was where it became very serious. My businesses all went under except for one. I tried to rebound by using my medical engineering skills to help hospitals produce replacement parts for ICUs, but I underestimated the politics with supply providers and ended up getting stiffed by the hospitals for 16K which I unfortunately still hold in the form of debt. We lost access to schools meaning our son was now with us 24/7 with no reprieve. My father also had a surgery that failed, meaning I had to travel 30 minutes daily to help him too. My wife developed a fear of going outside due to the virus meaning I was also responsible for the grocery shopping and errands. She has also lost the will to keep the house clean. She nor my son have left the house in almost a year now. Perhaps the worst part of all is that I lost access to my ADHD and depression medications due to the doctors being unable to give me prescriptions due to the crisis.

Needless to say this has taken a pretty heavy toll on my physical and mental wellbeing. I feel alone and isolated, even though I have family by my side. I feel like a complete failure and I have a lot of trouble even keeping up with basic tasks. Now when I go to my art studio for reprieve, I find it nearly impossible to get motivated, even if I have ideas.

To try and fix things I have reached out to friends again, but most have given me the cold shoulder. I have one glimmer of hope with a friend who reached out and invited me to teach art with him this summer. I think about that every day now in anticipation. I have also tried speaking with my wife to try and fix some of the above issues, but she is still hurting and suffering from depression herself. I have been unsuccessful in motivating her. We both understand the issues and the downward spiral, but I feel like life is totally wrecked since 2015.

I'm not sure what I am asking for here other than perhaps some clarity on what I can do to turn the marriage around without risking destroying it. My wife and son depend on me completely. If it fell apart they would be screwed, so I cannot let that happen. But I also have to look after my own health or it will be the same fate unless I died and just allowed them to collect insurance. I want to live, but I also want to be happy and productive. I feel trapped.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

She needs to get help for her depression. Probably including meds.

Has she ever had any sort of treatment for depression? Is she resistant to getting help? Have you encouraged her to do so in any way? Of course, there are limits to what we can do to get our loved one’s help they need. Just trying to understand the history so far.


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## AR26A (May 4, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> She needs to get help for her depression. Probably including meds.
> 
> Has she ever had any sort of treatment for depression? Is she resistant to getting help? Have you encouraged her to do so in any way? Of course, there are limits to what we can do to get our loved one’s help they need. Just trying to understand the history so far.


Yes. She definitely has depression and anxiety, just like I do. She has never gotten treatment. I've discussed getting help many times over the years, but it has never resulted in action on her part. I don't want to push her too hard or be obnoxious by trying to set her up with a doctor.

One thing I've considered is getting her a BetterHelp subscription, but it doesn't feel right for me to do that, and I don"t think she would do it if she didn't agree to it first.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AR26A said:


> Yes. She definitely has depression and anxiety, just like I do. She has never gotten treatment. I've discussed getting help many times over the years, but it has never resulted in action on her part. I don't want to push her too hard or be obnoxious by trying to set her up with a doctor.
> 
> One thing I've considered is getting her a BetterHelp subscription, but it doesn't feel right for me to do that, and I don"t think she would do it if she didn't agree to it first.


For her sake and your sons sake she must get help. Even a mild anti depressant may well change her life.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

AR26A said:


> Yes. She definitely has depression and anxiety, just like I do. She has never gotten treatment. I've discussed getting help many times over the years, but it has never resulted in action on her part. I don't want to push her too hard or be obnoxious by trying to set her up with a doctor.
> 
> One thing I've considered is getting her a BetterHelp subscription, but it doesn't feel right for me to do that, and I don"t think she would do it if she didn't agree to it first.


Sometimes you need to push. You at least need to have a serious conversation with your wife. Your son hasn't even left the house in a year? Autism or not and virus or not, that is not healthy for him. It's not healthy for your wife either but your child deserves better. I wouldn't bother wasting your money on BetterHelp or anything like that. Encourage her to find a therapist (they can do online and sliding scales) or use free online resources. 

I understand what it's like to have a child with extra needs but it's not a reason to be a depressed shut in for 5-6 years. She needs to get help and you need to be more pushy about it. If anything, do it for your son. In my experience, friends stop with playdates because they are uncomfortable and don't understand the child, how to interact with them, what to expect, etc. You can try talking to them and sorting that out, or join local groups to find parents dealing with the same/similar things. Autism is common enough that it should be no problem to find local support. 

For groceries, can you do grocery delivery, pickup, or Instacart? Your wife can place the order and have it delivered or one of you can pick it up. That would take one thing off your plate. 



AR26A said:


> I lost access to my ADHD and depression medications due to the doctors being unable to give me prescriptions due to the crisis.


Your doctor wouldn't refill your prescription, or they were giving you free meds/sample handouts and no longer can? Either way, you need to get back on those meds just like your wife needs to find meds for herself.


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## AR26A (May 4, 2013)

bobert said:


> Sometimes you need to push. You at least need to have a serious conversation with your wife. Your son hasn't even left the house in a year? Autism or not and virus or not, that is not healthy for him. It's not healthy for your wife either but your child deserves better. I wouldn't bother wasting your money on BetterHelp or anything like that. Encourage her to find a therapist (they can do online and sliding scales) or use free online resources.
> 
> I understand what it's like to have a child with extra needs but it's not a reason to be a depressed shut in for 5-6 years. She needs to get help and you need to be more pushy about it. If anything, do it for your son. In my experience, friends stop with playdates because they are uncomfortable and don't understand the child, how to interact with them, what to expect, etc. You can try talking to them and sorting that out, or join local groups to find parents dealing with the same/similar things. Autism is common enough that it should be no problem to find local support.
> 
> ...


I am in the process of getting myself back on meds. I switched insurers at the start of this year to one that allows paper scrips. As soon as I am reevaluated, I will be able to get meds again in March or April.

I am on a waitlist for an ABA program. My son should be able to get some help as soon as a space opens up. not really many options until then. I think if he gets some therapy he will be able to play with other kids better. I used to take him out to group play zones which was great for casual interaction. but those are closed. Parent groups, are probably not something my wife would allow until COVID is over.

You make it sound easy to get my wife help. I have been pushy about it, but she tells me to stop asking after a while. It's not like with my son where I can just make the appointment for her. She needs to go and do it. I'm open to suggestions for how I can approach her more effectively.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

AR26A said:


> I am in the process of getting myself back on meds. I switched insurers at the start of this year to one that allows paper scrips. As soon as I am reevaluated, I will be able to get meds again in March or April.
> 
> I am on a waitlist for an ABA program. My son should be able to get some help as soon as a space opens up. not really many options until then. I think if he gets some therapy he will be able to play with other kids better. I used to take him out to group play zones which was great for casual interaction. but those are closed. Parent groups, are probably not something my wife would allow until COVID is over.
> 
> You make it sound easy to get my wife help. I have been pushy about it, but she tells me to stop asking after a while. It's not like with my son where I can just make the appointment for her. She needs to go and do it. I'm open to suggestions for how I can approach her more effectively.


I didn't say it was easy to make your wife get help. I'm pretty darn familiar with mental illness in marriage. I know that it's not easy. 

Have you told her that her mental health is destroying your marriage? If not, you haven't had a serious enough talk about it. You need to make sure she knows how serious it is. Then you can offer to help her find a therapist or offer to join her for a doctor phone call/appointment if it seems too overwhelming for her. Sometimes they eventually need an "I can't keep living like this" wake-up call, but you have to mean it. 

Something else you can try is proposing marriage counseling. It can be done through video calls. Don't propose the idea by saying something is wrong with her, she probably feels bad enough. Ask her to do it for/with you, that you need help learning to best support her, etc. Sometimes that's enough to get her through the door and will push her to get individual help. 

For the parenting groups, they would be virtual right now and that support for you or your wife could be great. It most likely wouldn't help your son much, though some kids do benefit from virtual socializing if they are able to handle it.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

AR26A said:


> Not sure where I should start. I am an outgoing person and absolute doer. I run several businesses, do art, go hiking, and do social events. I am the sole earner for the family through my businesses. The income I take home is very modest, under 60K.
> 
> My wife is the polar opposite. She prefers to stay home and do crafts, and art, and she takes care of the home and our son. We have always gotten along well and almost never, if ever fight, even after 15 years. I feel that she loves me more than any other person in the world and I can trust her completely.
> 
> ...


I'm sad to read this, life has thrown a lot at you. My prayers are with you. First, push for payment on the bills. Call regularly, send emails, letters, etc. Be attentive to opportunities. Not everyone is an ahole, there are people who try to help those with disabilities. We have a best friend who suffered a disabling illness and we included him in all activities though he has difficulty speaking and walking. I coached special olympics and remember one kid coming up to me and saying thank you for coaching us, having coached regular kids, none of them said that. 

Having lived about 6 decades, I can say for many people, you get a certain amount of luck and challenges and many times it evens out. I was a pleasant kid but frequently bullied but had a son who had a great and easy childhood. My experiences being bullied made me a more sensitive person, and I think I've helped people partially because I had a sense of empathy. When I saw a father yelling at his daughter in a sporting match, I intervened though my wife would say its none of your business. Because I thought teachers should have helped when they saw I had challenges (basically no teacher ever gave a **** about what happened but had no problem speaking out loudly on salary and benefits) I felt people should help if they see something they believe is wrong. I am financially secure, had good health and things worked out, and I think only at the end of your life can you judge your luck.

In the interim, you try to do as good a job as you can. Perhaps your wife is depressed, and try to speak with her.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

AR26A said:


> You make it sound easy to get my wife help. I have been pushy about it, but she tells me to stop asking after a while. It's not like with my son where I can just make the appointment for her. She needs to go and do it. I'm open to suggestions for how I can approach her more effectively.


You can't approach her more effectively. She has to make the decision. Unfortunately, this might call for some tough love once the pandemic runs its course. You might just have to tell your wife that if she can't take good care of your son, you'll have to find a better situation for the two of you and she will have to find her own way.

You aren't responsible for her health and well-being. You can encourage it, but that's all. The unfortunate truth is that some folks are more willing to dig deep and grind through a tough situation, and some are not. You need to shift your mindset from being responsible for her health to not coddling her if she can't bother to make the effort herself.

I was in a similar boat. My ex started shutting down when our son had cancer and picked where and how she contributed to the family. At a time when a medical issue requires that the parents step up, she generally regressed. She refuses therapy and isn't fond of doctors. She's an essential oils and naturopathy kind of person - nothing wrong with that per se but it's not when you have issues and ignore proven treatments. Sound familiar?

ETA: are you sure that your autistic child is the reason your friends don't come around? It could be they're tired of your wife not pulling her weight in the home. She never did a whole lot like you do (arts and crafts while you're hustling out a living? seriously?). She can't even manage to get herself healthy to treat and your son better. That is seriously offputting to someone looking at this from the outside.


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## doella1965 (May 1, 2021)

Medication is not always the answer.


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