# Another bombshell



## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

He just announced on FB that we are separated. I figured if he were ashamed or embarrased, that he would keep it to himself. I am calling lawyers and working on odds and ends to day anyway, but should I just assume this is done? It has been just under a week since I confronted and he admitted. How long do I wait to see if he's going to become human again? Is there any point in thinking such a thing would happen?

I really want to post something snarky in the comments under his FB post, but I don't want this to get any more contentious and expensive than it already is if we are heading towards a D. Should I just post something on my wall, block it from him and express the reason we are separated? Or continue to be the bigger person and just let it go?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Expose or you take the risk of being painted as the bad guy for the break up.


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Expose or you take the risk of being painted as the bad guy for the break up.


I told both sides of the family a few days ago. I am not sure I care what his couple of FB friends think. I don't know who else I would expose to at this point. His friends are enabling him, so I won't be able to break through that anyway.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

There is no need to do facebook. Just block him. The post is for you anyway. 
Do expose to all your joint friends. No need to do a blanket exposure. Just as they ask. Tell them the truth.


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear that he's taking that approach. Sounds exactly like something my H would do. I have no doubt that he will absolutely make me out to be the bad guy. He's 100% unwilling to own up to anything he did. I've been trying to deal with this since the end of July. I'll have to find your original post. Wishing you the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Block him on FB, did you expose to the OW husband, BF, Family. You need to take that step. Not sure what happended in your case was it a PA? Get yourself checked for STD's, Call the Attorney and get yourself into IC right away


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

Anything you post online he will be able to use against you, if the need arises. Keep control of your temper. Don't send any bad emails or post anything bad. You don't have to read his fb stuff. You can totally delete him and you should.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

DO NOT respond to any FB postings he makes. My ex never shut up about the divorce despite him being the one to cheat and leave. I have maintained a dignified silence throughout and have now defriended him. I can't tell you the number of people who have told me that it makes *him* look like a d*ck

the people who matter to you won't be impressed, anyone who's posting positive messages to him? Defriend them too


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Sorry that you are here. Go dark on him. Leave word to talk to your lawyer from now on. You deserve better than this.


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

mahike said:


> Block him on FB, did you expose to the OW husband, BF, Family. You need to take that step. Not sure what happended in your case was it a PA? Get yourself checked for STD's, Call the Attorney and get yourself into IC right away


If you read other posts, there are updates. I don't know who OW is, or how many. I suspect he used a dating service, so it could be one or many. Dr said to wait 3 months before STD testing since it takes that long to get a full read on many things & it is cheaper to do it all at once. Not sure if I'll still have health insurance then. Counseling appt. was on the books before I found out, but now will change focus. Talking to lawyers, but wondering how long to black him out & see if he breaks the silence, versus filing. I feel like it should be more than a week, but I also don't want to take on liability by waiting too long.

ETA: I exposed to his family & my family, as well as the one friend he didn't tell me already knew anyway. I don't think it is making a lick of difference. Since I don't know OW(s) I don't have any way to bust him there. My other threads deal with the fact that vengeance is just not part of my life style as a pacifist, so I don't really have any desire to spend money or jump through a bunch of hoops to try & track down who she is & what's going on, when it won't change the fact that he disrespects me. It might stop the affair & it might make him come back, but I'm not sure that's the reason I want him coming back. I'd rather it be because he just had a change of heart. If it doesn't, then I know what type of person he's really become.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Just as an aside, it makes it easier to keep track of your story if you stick with one thread.

So to recap, you found out he has been cheating on you for months. He is as of yet totally unrepentant. You both live in a house that was yours prior to the marriage. You've taken steps to secure your half of available funds. You went to visit family over the weekend, giving him a deadline of Sunday to vacate if he chose to continue the affair. While you were gone, he took out his half of the joint savings. 

Is that about right? Is he still in your house?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Just as an aside, it makes it easier to keep track of your story if you stick with one thread.
> 
> So to recap, you found out he has been cheating on you for months. He is as of yet totally unrepentant. You both live in a house that was yours prior to the marriage. You've taken steps to secure your half of available funds. You went to visit family over the weekend, giving him a deadline of Sunday to vacate if he chose to continue the affair. While you were gone, he took out his half of the joint savings.
> 
> Is that about right? Is he still in your house?


Agreed. Stick to one thread.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

So, did he leave over the weekend? Or is he still in YOUR house?


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Just as an aside, it makes it easier to keep track of your story if you stick with one thread.
> 
> So to recap, you found out he has been cheating on you for months. He is as of yet totally unrepentant. You both live in a house that was yours prior to the marriage. You've taken steps to secure your half of available funds. You went to visit family over the weekend, giving him a deadline of Sunday to vacate if he chose to continue the affair. While you were gone, he took out his half of the joint savings.
> 
> Is that about right? Is he still in your house?


Yes, that is pretty much it & he is gone. Thankfully he left in peace and didn't screw the house up or take more than was his. I'm quite sure he's still cheating and I think he's living with a friend, even though they can't possibly have room for him (just more taking advantage of people--this is the friend who knew and didn't tell me, apparently). 

Today he made first contact & sent an email saying he has CCs and keys to give me and wants to know whether to pay his half of car insurance or whether I kicked him off of the policy. His car is in my name so I didn't want it to go uninsured, so he's paid for another month. But I just don't know what to do with this info. I have to go back to work today. I can't afford not to, but I just want to puke.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Tell him to pay his half, and bring the car back, so you can sell it. Have you found a lawyer? I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but look on the bright side, he has made the hard choice, making your choice pretty simple for the time being.


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Tell him to pay his half, and bring the car back, so you can sell it. Have you found a lawyer? I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but look on the bright side, he has made the hard choice, making your choice pretty simple for the time being.


I've talked with two. Haven't made a decision yet. Both suggest just signing it over since it isn't worth much of anything & sorting it out during proceedings, rather than taking the chance of him getting mad & making the negotiations difficult when/if they happen.


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

I signed the car over but made him sign something saying he owed me the value if assets were further divided. Now he has liquidated our final acct, but I will get the check for now. He wants to meet to divide it. I don't know if this is a good idea so we can be pretty much separate but cordial or if I need to get a lawyer involved so nothing comes back to bite me. I still don't understand how all of this works.

I did cave, as I felt I needed to be true to myself once the numbness wore off and wrote him a note to tell him that I had been reacting in crisis mode when I kicked him out, but still wanted to be married and work on the marriage if he cut things off with OW and was willing to work hard. I just had to put the words out there to know I had tried, even though it probably wasn't a good idea. I haven't heard back, of course, but also haven't been told by him that he wants to initiate a final split either. 

It has only been a couple of weeks since dday, though, and a couple of days post letter. How long do I wait around, trying to recommit to the 180, to see if he also changes? How long can I hold onto that check made out to both of us? Should I freeze him out on that? The big reason I consider waiting is because he is my access to health insurance. I figure I might as well maintain that as long as I can if he is going to screw me over otherwise. It is going to be very difficult for me to find and afford insurance otherwise, so it is a significant concern.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You need to talk to a lawyer again asap. The health insurance is something he could be forced to maintain for some time I would think.


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

Today is his birthday. I hate not seeing him or celebrating. I feel like it is mean to not email a happy birthday to him. I know that wouldn't be part of the 180, but I'm just so sad. I will probably take myself out to dinner for his birthday rather than sit home. I don't think he misses me at all. I hate the idea in my head that he'll be out celebrating with someone else. I miss being his wife.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

It's going to take time, but you'll get through this. It sounds cliche, but it wasn't you, it is him. He's the one who is messed up. Have you seen a councellor? Are you taking care of yourself? Eating properly and exercising? Are you a reader?


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

I had counseling scheduled as soon as I suspected something was going on, but before actual Dday. I'm working on trying to take care of myself. I've been really busy, so the hard work will start next week when things calm down & I have more idle time. I know that will be hard. I'm looking at options to fill my schedule and nurture hobbies. I am concerned about finances, so it is hard to find a balance between adding classes & such that will nourish me, but without making it so I can't pay bills.

I managed not to contact him or even email a happy birthday today, but it makes me feel like a scrooge. I took myself out to dinner "for his birthday" with a coupon we had. Since he called me mean & controlling, I feel like ignoring him just plays into his perception of me, so that's frustrating & hard to navigate. Today was a very hard day.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I think you're doing pretty good, I'm glad you took yourself out. Please try not to worry about what he said, or what he thinks. He has shown he is a liar, he is manipulative, and he just isn't worth any more of your time.

Remember to stay healthy and excersise. Even walking. As far as mental health, I read The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm at a time when I was down, when I was doubting myself, and it really helped me get back on my feet. It's old, and has a section on religion that doesn't apply to my world view, but it really helped me see that I was and still am a good person. It might help you too. Try and keep your chin up.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sounds like you're on the right path here. Don't contact him. Don't meet with him. Tell him to communicate through the attorney. He needs to understand what his actions have cost-You.


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

I really don't think he cares. He is spending money on OW on things he told me he didn't even like (lingerie to be exact). I feel like he's just trying to erase in his mind that we ever happened. 

I still am not ready to file papers, but I saw he had a DIY divorce book in his car the one time I saw him recently for business stuff. I need to get through to Jan before doing anything, but do I need to just file? I'd rather wait until I'm really ready, but is him filing first really going to be a problem when I'm already keeping the house (my name) and our finances are all split, except for the small 401K I'm not sure it is even worth going after. I was told I wouldn't get spousal support, so what does it matter? If I wait, I have health insurance longer.

I really just want him to wake up & come to his senses. I just can't get past wanting to give some time for that.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

It doesn't really matter. The divorce goes through as a no fault type thing. Given the amount of time that has passed it's not likely he has any desire to 'come to his senses'. So why not enjoy the health care benefits while they're there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Move the money from the joint account into one in your name only. That way he has no more access.

Talk to your attorney about the health insurance. In some states the spouse with the insurance has to carry the other until the divorce is final. And in some states divorces can take months..even a couple of years.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I disagree about STDs, I think you should get tested ASAP. you can always go back in three months to a county clinic that has free STD testing. I used to work at one s d had people coming in explaining they were getting tested because of cheating spouses. I'd tell them I was sorry but it really didn't matter to any of us. We didn't judge. 
I'm sorry you are going through this. If you have something like chlamydia it's better to treat before you start seeing symptoms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

I already was tested, but haven't received results. All the financials are split. Uncontested divorce can take as little as 60 days. Lawyers haven't been very useful. They only offer me the option to file, and I am not there yet. They say it is very unlikely I will get spousal support. I should have insurance until the end of the divorce, which is part of why I drag my heals.

Our health dept is judgy and condescending. I went through my doc this time, and even that was humiliating.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

Pointegirl said:


> He just announced on FB that we are separated. I figured if he were ashamed or embarrased, that he would keep it to himself. I am calling lawyers and working on odds and ends to day anyway, but should I just assume this is done? It has been just under a week since I confronted and he admitted. How long do I wait to see if he's going to become human again? Is there any point in thinking such a thing would happen?
> 
> I really want to post something snarky in the comments under his FB post, but I don't want this to get any more contentious and expensive than it already is if we are heading towards a D. Should I just post something on my wall, block it from him and express the reason we are separated? Or continue to be the bigger person and just let it go?


 Have you exposed the affair yet? You're behind at this point - he's pre-empting any attempts you may be making regarding your marriage.
Do you want to remain married or not? Not a snarky question - I haven't read your sitch.


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## Pointegirl (Nov 21, 2012)

committedwife said:


> Have you exposed the affair yet?
> You're behind at this point - he's pre-empting any attempts you may be making regarding your marriage.
> Do you want to remain married or not? Not a snarky question - I haven't read your sitch.


This post is old now. That was back right after dday.

I outed to his family and mine, as well as the one guy friend who didn't already know. (His other "friend" is enabling the whole thing, I am quite sure.). He wouldn't tell me who OW is, how they met, etc., so I can't tell her sig. other (although I think he said she had a boyfriend rather than spouse). I couldn't stomach the spying longer to find out more before I confronted him, as I was getting physically ill. I told the HR person at his job, but she could be the OW for all I know. I kicked him out before I had a chance to learn anything more. He is being evasive with his family and completely cut out mine right after he moved out. He is still seeing OW as far as I know and no amount of outing seems to make a difference. He didn't want to stop seeing her which is why I drew a hard line & told him he couldn't live with me then.

A month later and no change. I don't want a divorce until I feel ready. I would prefer reconciliation, but he has to come groveling back. So, in either situation, it will take time to get there. If he files first, then I just have to decide if it is worth the cost to contest or try to ask for money to cover health ins. since I am not eligible through my employer. The lawyers I talked to so far weren't very encouraging about that since we've only been together less than 10 years.


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