# Lost, Confused, Bored, Lonely...



## vodkaplease (Jun 21, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for about 5 years. We got married very young (I was in my late teens, he very early 20s). I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing when we got married. In fact, I kind of felt disassociated, like I was outside looking in on what was happening.

Over the years I've been faithful, but I have had a few minor flirtations with men and a few women outside of my marriage. I feel really lonely lately, and I'm not sure what to do. I've tried to gently explain to my husband that I want some romance, but he feels like he was never the "romantic" before we were married and I knew that, so why should he have to change himself now? He does say "I love you," and tell me "you're beautiful" frequently, which I feel is him trying.

However, I just don't feel truly loved. I feel like he doesn't really love me sometimes. He's a pessimist, and sometimes I feel like he just married me because he didn't think anyone better would come along. Another common problem-the excitement just isn't there. I like going out to the bars and joining clubs and just meeting new people. He would usually rather hang out at home and play video games. Sometimes I feel really awkward trying to explain to other people why he doesn't come out with me. They like him, but he's just very uninterested in meeting new people. He's friends with the guys he went to high school with and plays video games online with them, but that's pretty much his only interest in social interaction. 

Also, I've always been pretty goal-oriented, and I like to have things planned out. He would rather work towards the end of the day, not 5 years from now. He doesn't have any long-term goals and isn't interested in making any. I have long-term goals, but they tend to be fickle.

Usually, I have to initiate sex. He rarely complains, but I feel like it would be cool if he initiated it sometimes. It makes me feel like he's not really even attracted to me. 

We had a bit of a row the other day because this dude had a really sweet ride and I like rad cars, and I was drinking and I let my excitement over the car cloud my thinking. I went for a ride with the guy, but nothing happened. When I got home, my husband accused me of "going on a date" with the dude. The thing is, I was kind of attracted to him, which made me feel really guilty even though I made it clear to him that I was married and nothing happened. But, it did feel really good to have someone stare at my legs and be super nervous around me. I guess I sort of miss dating.

Also, my husband and I are having financial problems lately, and while I've reeled in my spending, I don't feel like my husband has. He does make more money than me, and I feel like he feels a bit entitled to spend more than I do, which is fair, but I worry so much about how we're going to "get by" from month-to-month. He'll get panicked about some bill or other sometimes and seem very angry with me, but I feel like I would live on so much less if I were on my own. He needs to have the newest video game stuff and would never think of shutting off our internet and doesn't want to think of switching to a different cell phone, but I feel like cutting back on these things is the best way to save money. I tried to talk him into moving to a studio apartment to save money (we live in a spacious 2-bedroom) but he refused.

For awhile, I took a corporate job that I hated to try to increase our income, but we just ended up spending more! Eventually I got frustrated and ended up walking out on the job and going back to my old job that pays less, but I'm so much happier there! So, now he's gotten a 2nd job, but he seems very resentful about it. I've compromised by taking over all of the housework, but I still feel like he blames me for him having to work for a 2nd job. Again, I feel that I would live off very little happily if I were own. 

I can't figure out if we're just incompatible or if I'm being fickle or what the hell should I do? Do I try to get out or do I just stick it out and hope things will get better? He doesn't seem enthused about the idea of marriage counseling. I worry that if I wait much longer, we still might divorce but we'll just be that much older and there will be that much less of a chance of either of us finding someone compatible. What do I do? I so very much don't want to hurt him.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think incompatibility is a huge part of this, yes. (If you're interested, please check out my article about the five pillars of compatibility at The Five Pillars of Compatibility .)

I also think there's a lot more going on here. It sounds like you drink more and spend more than you should be, which will affect your relationship, your happiness, and your state of mind. 

Do you divorce? Stay? Well, the answer to that lies in you. If nothing changes and the next ten years will be the same, what decision would you make? He is who he is and he's reluctant to see a counselor, so you can expect that things aren't going to magically become something you wish to see.


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## LillyoftheValley (May 18, 2012)

If it makes you feel any better, your marriage sounds a lot like mine, with detail differences. I am outgoing and he's home-bound, etc.

I like Kathy's advice. If the next ten years are going to look the same, what would you do now? 

I have had similar talks with my girlfriends about their husbands (mostly the same as my husband) and they are feeling just the same, lost confused, bored lonely.

Heck I am starting to feel that way too, after 12 years marriage and a 5 year old kid.

Take a break when life is difficult like that. Go to a spa, go on a short trip, be on your own for a while. I do sense that you are committed to this man, but no longer feel there is enough in the marriage to keep you going on much longer. Whether you decide to stay or go...that's up to you. But I have been learning the hard way to see things as they are, as an outside observer, just like you commented in the beginning (seeing things happen as they happen).

For all my marriage life, I was either too busy to see my husband the way he is, or I was in denial. However, when I had my first kid, boy o boy, he just kept unfolding into the real him. Not a bad person, but completely incompatible with me. Hrrmph


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

When you get married the partying days should end. People will disagree with me on that, but I believe it to be true. Nothing good comes from being in a bar where 95% of the people their are only their to get laid and 4% are their because they are working.

If you're the 1% that's left, you should have your fun around people who aren't looking to hook up with you.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. So, you are right! If you keep on like you are, the future will be more of the same.

So, what to do? What Kathy said is true. Only you will know what is right. It might be a good time to sit down and have a real talk with your husband. Find out what he is willing to do to keep things together. 

From that discussion, you should have the information you need to set a game plan and if your husband will be a part of it.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Do him a favor and leave him. Leaving for incompatability will be bad. WHEN the infidelity hits, it will be A LOT worse for him. To stay is selfish. If you care for him at all, leave him. 

If a "rad ride" gets your juices flowing...


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Vodka,

what strikes me most from your post is the fact that you seem to have some issues with yourself that you've never addressed:

"had a few minor flirtations with men and a few women outside of my marriage" - Are you possibly Bi? Does your husband know about this and did you ever hook up with a woman previously?

"I have long-term goals, but they tend to be fickle" - Not too sure exactly what you mean but I'd guess that your goals are somewhat subject to change. If so, then they aren't really long term goals

"I was drinking and I let my excitement over the car cloud my thinking. I went for a ride with the guy" - Shows a complete lack of marital boundaries

"I guess I sort of miss dating" - Sorry but you gave up dating (to a degree, unless it's your hubby) when you accepted his proposal. 

Do you work full time at the job you have now?

All that being said, it does seem that you two may be somewhat incompatible. I think the main issue her is do you love him and does he love you? You need to answer that question before you can go any further

I also think your ideas about marriage need to mature a bit too. I'm not saying that what he does is right but he's not the one here asking for advice.

Also, did you ever think that maybe he likes to stay at home because he's TIRED from working 2 jobs? I know that I leave my house at 6 AM 5 days a week and get home around 7 PM every night. The only time I feel up to really going out are Fridays and Saturdays when I know I don't have to get up for work the next day!


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## vodkaplease (Jun 21, 2012)

Thanks for all the advice guys!

Yes, I obviously have some issues. Some of you seem kind of judgy though. Especially Toffer. 

A. Yes I've hooked up with women and of course my husband knows. We might have our issues, but I'm a bad liar so honesty isn't one of them. I don't identify as bisexual, rather I believe sexual orientation is fluid throughout one's lifetime, particularly for women.
B. I really don't think a going for a car ride shows a "complete lack of marital boundaries." One of his best friends is a girl. I have no problem with this fact. I trust his judgment. Again, I've never actually been unfaithful to him, and I don't think cheating on him is an inevitability Mr. K. I might have some issues but I also respect myself and my husband enough not to actually cheat. My vagina is not an autonomous being. 
C. I should have phrased "I guess I kind of miss dating." differently. I kind of miss all of the attention I used to get and feeling pretty. Yet, your judgment and apparent assumptions about me remind me why I never want to have to date again. Lots of men in this world are A-holes, and my husband isn't. His non-a-holeness is part of why I fell in love with him in the first place.
D. Of course I work full time, it's 2012, and I also do all of the housework, so overall we contribute equally to our household. 
E. Yes, he's tired. I often am too. However, I still go out because I refuse to socially isolate myself. He also doesn't like going out on Fridays or Saturdays, or any day really. Unless it's with a buddy, he doesn't like to go out with me very much.

Lilly of the Valley-I think your advice is the most helpful for me  Thankyou.

Kathy-Yes, I drink more than I should and he spends more than he should. 

I definitely love him, I just question if we're still in love. Sometimes I feel like we are and sometimes I feel like we aren't.

I'm joining a support group for problem drinkers, and I've convinced my husband we need counseling. We have our first session later this week.  Hopefully everything will turn out ok. Thanks for all your input (even Toffer).


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hi vodka,
I love the question that someone asked you up in the post about if your relationship was going to be like today for the next 10 years, what would you do now knowing that.....
What would you answer?
When you look at this situation, what do you want to do? What would be the ideal relationship for you? How can you get there?


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## vodkaplease (Jun 21, 2012)

Well, after reading some posts about other peoples' issues, I know our issues really aren't that bad. 

This forum is awesome, like a reality slap in the face to put my life back into perspective!

In ten years, I think we will be doing better. We'll hopefully have less financial stress because we'll get our "stupid debt" paid off and buy the little house we'll live in for the rest of our life.

I think marriage counseling will really help us. When it comes down to it, our only real problem is communicating our needs to each other!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

A friend of mine, long ago, asked me what I saw my life as being in 10 years from then. it was a mess at the time... I thought wow, what a great question. Then I went ahead and lived life the same way, and nothing got better. I just thought things would change themselves, or...? And yeah I had affairs. 

So great advice you're getting here for free. Maybe you could talk your H into at least one night out, with him, a month. Doesn't have to cost a lot, or involve a bar or even drinking, just going out, going for a walk, a drive, a picnic somewhere. If the picnic is somewhere isolated enough, sex each other up, too. It's all good, all in the name of making new memories and learning to have fun with each other again. Something that doesn't involve computers or electronic gadgets (they have to be OFF and in the car or otherwise away from the two of you).


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

vodkaplease said:


> *Well, after reading some posts about other peoples' issues, I know our issues really aren't that bad. *
> 
> This forum is awesome, like a reality slap in the face to put my life back into perspective!
> 
> ...


First, welcome to the forums. Second, don't get complacent. Just because you think your issues aren't so bad anymore right now, it doesn't mean that they won't become bigger issues down the road. 

IMHO, if things don't change now, and your husband does not listen to what you have been telling him that is making you unhappy, you are either going to divorce him to find someone else or you will cheat on him because he sounds like he's a pretty self-centered guy who wants to sit around your home playing video games. If I was a woman, I'd never date a guy that loves video games. IMHO, a guy like that would be a loser. I'd prefer a man that wants to be out and about with ME.


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