# Separation in-house, not looking to divorce



## anonymous0108 (Jul 6, 2012)

I'm new (obviously) and I found this site while I was searching the internet for...well, anything.

My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years. We lived together for 2.5 years prior to marriage. I have a 10-year-old son with autism from a previous relationship (no contact with 10yo who assumes husband is his father). We have a 6-month old son together. I'm a SAHM. He doesn't make a lot of money but I lost my job in January 2011, was unable to find another job, and when I got pregnant with #2 (we had been unable to conceive for 5 years) we mutually decided I would stay at home. I manage money extremely well so we have enough to pay the bills every month and put a little away in savings. 

I was on complete bedrest with #2 (due to complications) from July-November 2011. Within a couple of days of being on bedrest, I found out that my husband had been spending much more time than I am comfortable with on adult websites. Long story short, I found out what a severe problem it was. He was not only chatting with, camming with, talking to, texting random women. He was also sending women *my* personal pictures and pretending to be me to get them to send him pictures in return. We've talked and I've yelled and I've pleaded and I've begged and I've snooped. I've contacted the women myself. I've made ultimatums. I've done everything I can to keep my marriage together. Therapist diagnosed him as having a porn addiction. He's made promises to see a counselor (only went thrice in the past year-when I nagged him about it), he's made promises to clean the pc, stop talking to the girls, etc. And I think I've dealt with it better than anyone else would have over the past year. I honestly thought it was getting better. 

Yesterday I booted up the pc to let the 10yo watch a dvd. As soon as it booted up, Yahoo Messenger popped up and I was bombarded by all these messages to and from random women. What he wanted to do with them, what they'd do to him. 20 conversations yesterday alone-before I met him for lunch (at work), after I left lunch early because 10yo was sick, before work ended. I wanted to vomit. 

I spent the last 2 hours before he got home cleaning every bit of him out of my bedroom and the downstairs. All of his stuff is upstairs. He has his own bedroom and shares a bathroom with our 10yo. I don't know how to progress. I don't want a divorce. I don't think, despite his behavior, that husband wants a divorce. But as far as I'm concerned, we're separated. The only topics I plan to discuss with him are the children and finances. I honestly think if we could afford it, he wouldn't be living here. However, that is not an option. I love my husband. So much. But there is only so much I can take. 

I could really use some advice on how to proceed. We haven't told the 10yo anything. I've only told my parents. Husband and I haven't even really talked much. He asked if I would go to couple's counseling and I told him I had to see he was willing to work on himself first. I can't spend more time being the only person working on the marriage. I'm dealing with so many other things outside of the marital problems that I'm really stressed out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

If you want to live separately, why don't you want a divorce?


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## anonymous0108 (Jul 6, 2012)

I want to fix my marriage, not end it. But I need a break from having constant heartache. And he needs to prove he wants to fix the marriage.
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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

You were right to demand he get help for himself first. There are deeper problems that are causing him to display this behavior.
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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Im sorry you are here, 

Emotionally, it's tough. And it's hard to see logic.
But logically.... what can you do now?
Draw up a plan. Write it down. 
What does he need to do? Right now. And how can that be accomplished?
Same goes for you. What do you need to do?
Take that to counselling.

You break that plan down into smaller plans. Step A, step B.
You get help with 'how' to do those steps if you don't know how.
You work on appreciating and acknowledging the smaller steps, while also working on forgiving the past.

You agree to either stay in separate bedrooms or not. You save the relationship discussions for counselling, or not. But lots of things you can think about, work on, decide, etc. 

It can take a long time. And might not be overcome. And, after months of sleeping in separate rooms and not talking to each other there might be zero emotion left in it to save.


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## anonymous0108 (Jul 6, 2012)

Thanks for the responses. I understand that it's possible that this won't work. And from reading the threads here, I get the feeling that it's quite likely this will remove all emotion from the marriage. But I can't survive the way I was living before. And honestly, once he moves out and I have to get a job, find childcare, etc. the marriage is over.

The hardest part is finding boundaries. We don't have the funds to run two separate households so we'll be sharing groceries, etc. And likely, he'll be eating the leftovers of whatever I cook (as he did tonight). Either way, after 24 hours I realize exactly how extremely heartwrenching this situation is. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I don't have anyone to share with-the cute little things my kids do, the funny things that happen at the store. I have nothing to look forward to in the evenings after the kids are in bed. The only affection I get is from my kids. No one to go to bed with or wake up with.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Yes, it's hard. Separating and divorcing isn't easy. Neither is working on what is wrong, it's personal which way you go. 

Detaching somewhat emotionally has a benefit. It allows you to do the hard things, like planning for separation \ moving out, and being able to objectively look at what is wrong and how it can be changed, or if at all. 

If he's been diagnosed with an addiction, is there anyhere you can seek help as well as you are married to him? A support group of any kind that can provide you with guidelines on how to help him with this?


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## anonymous0108 (Jul 6, 2012)

Until he's willing to help himself, there's nothing else I can do. I've tried everything. Up to this point, he has been very inactive in battling the addiction. For example, he's gone to therapy 3 times in a year, and only makes appointments after I nag him to death. I was putting everything into my marriage. And I'm burned out.
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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Many of us are in the same position...spouse needed help and wouldn't get it, spouse wouldn't put effort into the relationship, spouse wouldnt give up affair partner, etc. Amicable divorce his hard enough, this is the pits. In the end, most of us have realized that we have to walk away in order to keep ourselves and our children healthy, safe and sane. I hope that whatever he does, you will do what is best for you and recognize that you did your very best. Often it just isn't up to us.
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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Has he said anything to you about his stuff being moved, or initiated any conversation on what the next steps should be?


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## anonymous0108 (Jul 6, 2012)

Thanks. My main goal is the health and happiness of my kids; close second is my sanity. 

I let him talk last night since every other time I've initiated the conversation and explained my feelings, etc. He went to a few mutual friends and talked to them. Talked to his dad. Short of talking about the kids( what to feed the youngest, etc) we haven't really talked at all since last night. I planned to discuss it tonight after the kids we're in bed, but he went out.
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