# coping with slow down in sex drive of his



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Trying to keep this PG but when we were first together it was absolutely amazing, we would go and then think we were done for the day, end up going back in and it would last a long time. He wanted to try all kinds of different things.
He also told me at the beginning that he really liked orally pleasing a woman. That is something that is really important to me and I feel like something is missing if I don't have it on a regular basis. 
Two years later and we have fought a lot about the fact that we've been married over six months and he hasn't done it once. Finally he did it a few weeks back and it was nice but I feel like I'm forcing him to do it. I have asked him over and over why on earth he would say that he loved doing something that he didn't. Honestly that would have been a deal breaker for me. 

So we usually have sex two to three times a week and of course the excitement has died down, he doesn't seem to want to try new things, it's pretty much the same thing every time. I feel like he doesn't have the same passion or drive he used to. We've fought about the fact that he gets mad when I want to have sex and he doesn't. We got over that and he is able to say no without getting upset now.

The problem is for the past month it has been even worse. He is tired all the time, he's been having bad headaches and he just isn't in the mood. That's another story but he is trying to figure out what is wrong medically. We're now maybe once a week if that and I feel like he just does it because I come on to him. He says that it isn't true. 

I don't know what to do because I have no privacy or time to take matters into my own hands. I'm not the type of person to be able to do it in five minutes in the shower, and I don't feel like I should have to hide it from him but I know he would be uncomfortable. I can't exactly say "Ok since you don't want to do it I'm going in the bedroom, leave me alone for a half an hour while I take care of business." I don't know what to do. I'm 42 and in my sexual prime, life is so short and I find myself feeling really on edge and crabby because I can't do what I would like to do and he won't do it. 

So what do I do? He is always here in the evening, and we have kids. After they go to bed I don't have much time before bedtime. Sometimes I think about just renting a studio apartment or a hotel room. This really sucks! 
I don't want to resent him because I know what it feels like to be on the other side of the situation. It feels like crap to be constantly hounded or feel like you're not good enough and I don't want him to feel like that or have it turn into a power struggle. 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Ever just said the heck with it and "relaxed" while he is next to you in bed? It may take care of two issues at once.

*I can't exactly say "Ok since you don't want to do it I'm going in the bedroom, leave me alone for a half an hour while I take care of business." *

Yes you can. You can say exactly that, then go ahead. Don't believe me? Try it. Don't make it about him or make it nasty, just take care of business.

How old is he? Maybe there is a medical reason. Pursue that avenue with a doctor, be completely involved in his care.

Sex can ebb and flow. Life has a way of distracting people from getting together time. Then the switch is flipped to the other side and your like a couple of rabbits for a few months.

Have you asked him about the oral? It's a fair question. There may be a minor issue that he doesn't feel comfortable bringing up. Either with him or his interaction with you. 

As an advocate of "thumbs up for going down" society, I feel like *I'm* missing something if we aren't doing that. If my wife looked at me and said "Hey, how about......" I would be there before the next heartbeat.


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## conciousness (Feb 17, 2012)

my situation sounds nearly identical to yours, and I'm the man, searching for some ways to help my wife in her distress.

I often wish my wife _would_ take matters into her own hands. It doesn't solve my lack of drive, but maybe it would give her the release she needs at the time she needs it. But she is too modest herself, and frankly, sexually naive. My personal opinion is it may help her and ultimately help us. we'll never know. It may help me see her more as a sexual creature, rather than someone for which sex would be disrespectful. ??? I should have made my screen name "overthinker"


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## conciousness (Feb 17, 2012)

There are times I do have some interest, but the feeling is obviously fragile. When she responds with something sarcastic, like, "oh, what changed? Why do you want something tonight?" I pull back and she stays resentful.
In an instant like that, I would suggest taking advantage of the moment and embrace his initiation. Potentially reminding him of any feelings of inadequacy definitely does not help.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

conciousness said:


> There are times I do have some interest, but the feeling is obviously fragile. When she responds with something sarcastic, like, "oh, what changed? Why do you want something tonight?" .


ARe you serious, she says that? Is it really a mystery why you have no desire?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

It just drives me crazy because I know so many men would just be so turned on by horniness and my connection with my sexuality. There was a time when I tried to hit on him and he didn't want to, he went into the bathroom and I decided to just go for it and he heard me squirting the lube and making some kind of groan and came in and got really mad at me. I don't get it! I just don't get it. I don't understand why he can't just be happy that I'm so sexually open. His ex was a frigid mess. He seemed to like that I was so open and in touch with myself but now it's like he resents it. 
I asked him why he has such a problem with me pleasing myself and he didn't have an answer. He told me in his previous marriage his ex would go for long periods of time without wanting to have sex and he would end up having wet dreams because he was so sexually deprived. 
I can't be like that. I'm sorry but no. Life is short. It's not like I'm trying to have sex with other people. When I've been alone or away from lovers there have been times when I've gone at it alone every day. Why should I have to give that up just because he isn't into it or doesn't approve? Why should I have to limit myself because he isn't in the mood?
And with previous relationships I've been in if situations arose where we couldn't be together or I couldn't have sex (very pregnant or after childbirth)I was fully accepting of them doing what was necessary.
I just think if you commit to someone for life and you expect monogamy and you're not going to be there you can't ask the other person to be at your level and just give up orgasms. What is really sad to me is that I've never been with someone who I really felt like I missed when I was alone with myself. I want him, I don't want to be by myself but it will do in a pinch.
There was a time when when for whatever reason we hadn't done it in over a week and it was clear he wasn't in the mood and I told him I was going to a hotel to have privacy. He got really upset and I felt really bad and didn't go.
How on earth did I get here? This man is everything I ever wanted, I thought I was everything he ever wanted. What really gets me is, I hope this is still PG but seriously there were times this man was multiple. Like he would climax and then keep going. 
OH MY GOD why on EARTH wouldn't you want to do that again????I just do not get it. I feel like in some ways he's afraid of the power of our sexuality, like he thinks it's all we have. His previous marriage was just him always trying to get her to have a climax or to be into it and now he's with super sexual woman and he has no clue how to handle it. It was all well and good at the beginning but I think he is just threatened now.
Lord everything else in this marriage is stellar. Beyond beyond. I can't even tell you how awesome the rest of our relationship is. Which is why I feel so bad. He's younger than me so I don't think age is the issue.
I do sometimes wonder if he has SAD because it seems like he has a lessor need in the winter. But it seems like it's worse this winter. 
I even brought up bringing other people into the picture and he wanted no part of it.
What are the odds you are going to fall in love with someone who meets all your needs in all areas? And so I can say "well you aren't meeting my needs in the bedroom" and then what? He feels like crap and so what then? I don't want a pity situation. I want him to want me. 
I don't understand these women who think sex is so awful. All I can think is that they have never had an orgasm which is really sad to me. They've probably never seen their parts, they've probably never touched their parts, they don't know what turns them on, and that's just sad. It's just really sad. It seems like if women knew what an orgasm felt like they'd be all over it. 
There are too many women who are just trying to be the nice girl, the one who doesn't do this or that and they end up losing out.


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## conciousness (Feb 17, 2012)

not the age. I'm 30, and it's been our problem all whopping 4.5 years of marriage. My testosterone checked out "lower, but normal range," and a year worth of monthly injections to put me on the high-side didn't improve anything.

I'm convinced it's psyche.  but what's the root issue, and how to overcome it?


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Diwali123, I think I just worked out your problem.

You talk too much.

If you cut down on the quantity of words and work more on the quality, it might simplafy things a bit.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

No my problem is that I 'd rather be doing it than talking about it but I don't have a choice!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

I think you misunderstood.

When I read your post, you appeared to be all over the place and there's a lot in there that really needn't be. It sort of confused and cast shadows of what's happening.

What I'm trying to suggest to you is you take a step back for a bit and settle. Find a time wen you're not so emotional and write things down. Break what you're saying down into small pieces and you may be able to get some clarity.


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