# guilt over leaving?



## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

I hear alot of people say if youre not happy in your marriage, you should do the right thing and leave. Then I read other stories about how heartbroken people are after their SO dumps them. It seems like such a selfish and cruel thing to do to someone you once loved enough to marry. how does one get over the guilt of walking away from a 5,10,20, year relationship?:scratchhead: seems kinda heartless. I dont know if I can ever do it, but I sure do think about it alot. I just dont know what would be harder, to stay unhappy, or to live with the guilt of abandoning a person Ive shared a 3rd of my life with


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

OK, if it was selfish of me to leave, but I wasn't happy in that relationship anymore, wasn't it selfish of him for wanting me to stay? 

When a marriage breaks up, there are usually a lot of reasons. 

We made wrong decisions at a young age. We didn't know well enough about ourselves, we didn't know what really we wanted, we rushed into a marriage, and then we realized we married the wrong person for the wrong reason. 

Sometimes two people just don't click, they have different ideas about life, they constantly fight, it might be a good idea for them to live without each other. 

Some people are just plain selfish and self centered, they only focus on their needs and wants, they don't care what the other person wants and needs, I think it is better to be away from a person like this.

I left my ex, I didn't feel guilty of leaving him. I didn't want him to touch me anymore, how could I live my life forever with a man who I didn't even want any intimacy anymore. 

But I did make him feel better by leaving him all the wealth we had at that time, I didn't go to court to fight with him for anything. He got the apartment and the savings. I just left with a suitcase.


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

franklinfx said:


> I hear alot of people say if youre not happy in your marriage, you should do the right thing and leave. Then I read other stories about how heartbroken people are after their SO dumps them. It seems like such a selfish and cruel thing to do to someone you once loved enough to marry. how does one get over the guilt of walking away from a 5,10,20, year relationship?:scratchhead: seems kinda heartless. I dont know if I can ever do it, but I sure do think about it alot. I just dont know what would be harder, to stay unhappy, or to live with the guilt of abandoning a person Ive shared a 3rd of my life with


Hi Franklin,

I think both options would be very hard and I wouldn't recommend either. My advice would be to try a 3rd option: Try to reconnect with your spouse. That may sound impossible (I know, my marriage was at the point of collapse as well) but it can be done. In my opinion, if you a) stick with your current situation & be unhappy then that could have an affect on your health (mental & physical - as stress is a well known cause of numerous conditions) or b) go the divorce route then given the cycles of relationships your next relationship may go down the exact same path over time.

A life-changing piece of advice for me was from Mort Fertel and he suggested putting our marital problems aside temporarily and focus on reconnecting. This was very hard as the emotions and problems were deep but it helped. It got me focused on what I could change to positively affect my marriage.

Anyway, my 2 cents. I welcome other opinions 

Take care.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

(to greenpearl)I guess so, but if that person is still in love with you, isnt it kinda heartless to abandon them? Its almost like saying "hey I know you invested over a decade of your life in me but sorry I decide its over now, better luck next time" 

I would let my wife have whatever she wants too, if I left, but that just seems like a pay off. I dont think it would make me feel any less guilty about leaving.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Franklin, I don't have the answer for you, but I wish more people would even consider the other person. My sister's husband *coughcough* of 9 years literally dumped her on our parents and said he was done. Then served her with papers saying he gets all the money, she can have the car. ??? 

My husband of nearly 12 years and I haven't even separated yet (next month) and I feel so horribly guilty. Although he is the one who doesn't seem to want the marriage.... So I'm really no help....


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

franklinfx said:


> (to greenpearl)I guess so, but if that person is still in love with you, isnt it kinda heartless to abandon them? Its almost like saying "hey I know you invested over a decade of your life in me but sorry I decide its over now, better luck next time"
> 
> I would let my wife have whatever she wants too, if I left, but that just seems like a pay off. I dont think it would make me feel any less guilty about leaving.




In love has to be both ways. She is in love, but you are not in love! 

Then I am curious with the reasons why you are not in love anymore. How come her love doesn't make you feel want to stay? 

If you have already wanted a divorce, it means your heart is not there anymore. I can't live with a person who doesn't love me. If she thinks it is better to keep you around, if she thinks that one day you might wake up from your dream and have the spark with her again, it is only a wish might never come true. 

Some people don't want to divorce because they don't want to admit the failure, not because they are really in love.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

franklinfx said:


> I hear alot of people say if youre not happy in your marriage, you should do the right thing and leave. Then I read other stories about how heartbroken people are after their SO dumps them. It seems like such a selfish and cruel thing to do to someone you once loved enough to marry. how does one get over the guilt of walking away from a 5,10,20, year relationship?:scratchhead: seems kinda heartless. I dont know if I can ever do it, but I sure do think about it alot. I just dont know what would be harder, to stay unhappy, or to live with the guilt of abandoning a person Ive shared a 3rd of my life with


I think staying unhappy would be MUCH worse. If the differences are TOO much, if you struggle literally hours of every day feeling like you are missing something, sacrificing your own desires & happiness. That would be miserable, like a ball & chain. 

We need to ask WHY - what happened to come to this place ? Is it that one spouse has become lazy, taking advantage, spoiled, while the other does all the work, always catering, always sacificing while the other SUCKS IT UP like a sponge -giving little in return (knowing what makes the other happy but full of excuses somehow). In this type of situation, I would wonder why the GIVING spouse would feel guilty at all -if they decided to leave -after many years of trying, coaxing, throw in some marrage counseling on top of that -to no avail. 

But then there are the situations where - the personality differences are just too much, and really noone is at fault , we simply want DIFFERENT THINGS in life. We can TRY to change who are are to please the other but still it is not enough, because it is like going against our nature. So we "go along" to please the other but start silently resenting it . Is this good? I say NO! 

It should not even be a matter of "pointing fingers" at this point, just realizing neither is a bad person, but it is no longer working, Wish each other the best and split, find someone who shares the same interests, goals, passions in life. 

If Marraige counseling has been tried, giving it "years" to reconnect and still cant' bring back the Love, the connection that once was -that brought you both together. If your heart is somewhere else, you've become numb with trying, I see zero reasons for people to stay together -other than the entanglements of financial issues & children, which ARE TOUGH, never easy. 

I recall my Mother & Father fighting constantly when I was a child, best thing they ever did was divorce. He went on to marry the true love of his life, been together over 30yrs now. To even fathom my Mom & Dad staying together (for me) -what a waste of happiness it would have been!! They amaze me sometimes, still very much in love after all these years. He has some unrelenting health issues, she is the most faithful loving woman to him. NOt always the nicest TO me growing up, but I love her for HOW she has loved my dad. 

My mother never did find love again, but she never spoke ill of my dad, just that they did not have enough in common. Neither were bad people, just sometimes it doesn't work, or people change from what they were. It happens unfortunetly.
Sometimes it works in the beginning, only to fall apart badly -beyond repair. 

Why fight against the wind?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My situation is f-cked because I am the one who physically left but emotionally I felt like he checked out long before. He wanted the divorce ultimately, not me, I just wante da separation. 
Looking back though I was very unhappy. As much as I loved him he were not getting along and I got very tired of him ignoring me all the time, on purpose. It was like a sick environment. So I am still licking my wounds but in the end it's probably for the best this happened this way. I still love him ==I'm just not sure how much longer it would have lasted with the dynamic that started and seemed unending. So yes, I will always regret the way that I left but I don't regret that I never gave up/was willing to reconcile. He wasn't. Too bad so sad.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think staying unhappy would be MUCH worse. If the differences are TOO much, if you struggle literally hours of every day feeling like you are missing something, sacrificing your own desires & happiness. That would be miserable, like a ball & chain.
> 
> We need to ask WHY - what happened to come to this place ? Is it that one spouse has become lazy, taking advantage, spoiled, while the other does all the work, always catering, always sacificing while the other SUCKS IT UP like a sponge -giving little in return (knowing what makes the other happy but full of excuses somehow). In this type of situation, I would wonder why the GIVING spouse would feel guilty at all -if they decided to leave -after many years of trying, coaxing, throw in some marrage counseling on top of that -to no avail.
> 
> ...


 Its probably fear, maybe Im just a coward. The truth is, the easy thing is to stay, the hard decion is to leave, which is probably why it seems to be the right one. I wish my feelings werent constantly in a tug o war with each other. If I could hold on to an emotion, for longer than a day or so, it would make it alot easier. I feel like 2 different people sometimes.

Thanks for the thoughtful response SA


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Answerman said:


> My opinion, most marriges can be saved as long as both people are commited to change.


Agreed. *BOTH* have to be willing to work on it. If the willingness to work on it is one-sided, you've got nothing.


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