# How do I deal with seperation and possible divorce!! Help please!



## Hoping2 (Oct 29, 2009)

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for the last 3 years, throughout this marriage his family has put a constant strain on our marriage, him being a complete mama's boy.
3 weeks back we had a fight which got so bad that I asked him to leave as he always wants to spend time with his family and friends and meanwhile I am left alone at home waiting for him day after day, he moved out that day to his moms house.

His family called me the next day and when I went there 5 of them sat there and humiliated me while my husband sat and watched and blamed and accused me of all sorts of things. They had already decided that we should not be together anymore and should get a divorce as soon as possible, I tried my best to convince my husband but he is adamant.
I have been living alone in the apartment for 3 weeks now, he came twice only to pick up his belongings and has given up on all financial responsiblities, I have tried calling him so many times and before he kep ignoring my calls now he picks up or calls back and keeps insisting that he wants a divorce and that he does not want to work on this marriage anymore, his family is very important to him mainly his mother and he cannot abandon her.
I feel so lost and lonely, each day is more and more diffcult to cope with please help me. 
I still love my husband no matter we have our share of problems but am deeply hurt by his lack of concern for my well being and our marriage. What should I do??


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Could you give us more details of exactly what his complaints are and where/what makes him believe what these complaints are stemmed from? Personally, I don't know exactly what to suggest as there is a lot of relationship data missing, or at least seems to be. What are his complaints, what are your complaints, and what exactly has his families role in the marriage been?

On a side note, whatever has built up this desire or urge to divorce you must have had something building up in him over time. Unfortunately family is bias and can adversely influence us or our spouses in a way that is undisirable. I made the mistake of involving my own family in my past relationship and it didn't do me any good. They didn't influence me like what your husband obviously is but family seems to me to create more barriers between a couple from their input. Add to that a disgruntled spouse who doesn't see as clearly due to emotions and I think it causes negative influence/opinions when truly the only people who know the situations are the couple themselves.

So please give us more details and also keep your head up. Your going to go thru a cycle of feelings that will put you on an emotional roller coaster. Recognize those emotions as just that, emotions. Emotions that are passing thru your mind, accept them as that and allow them to pass thru your train of thought. Probably sounds weird but it helps to cope with hurt feelings. Also remember no matter what happens there WILL be better days ahead. You have to believe that because it is positively true. So smile and focus on having a good day.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Gee that's tough - I have never heard of a family doing that before - that must have been horrible - sounds like you don't respect him for having this sort of relationship with his family....and respect is a big part of love - what do you think went wrong in your relationship?


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## Hoping2 (Oct 29, 2009)

Well our relationship is not a balanced one, my husband does not want to be responsible and accept his share of responsiblities and chores, I handle almost everything from paying the bills, cooking, cleaning etc he helps when he feels like but only for a few days. 
Everytime he tries to change for the better his family intervenes tellin him that he cannot do better than he is doing now and how hard he is working etc, the biggest problem is the relationship that he has with his mother who has been seperated from her husband for 15 years now and is constantly expecting my H to spend all his free time with her and the extended family, I have tried everything from setting boundaries, going to visit her, not going to visit her but nothing works, anytime mommy calls he cancels all plans and runs to her.
Everytime I tried to communicate with him regarding these 2 issues he would just be silent and say that nothing is wrong with the marriage and keep defending his mom.
Our fights had escalated over the last few months and the final straw was when my husband would spend almost 16 hours with his family without any concern for where I was.
I feel totally isolated, but still dont want to give up on my husband I believe that he is a good person but too immature to see the damage he is causing our marriage.All his life his mom has conditioned him to believe that he cannot survive without her and should never think of abandoning her, I dont want to be his mother I want to be his wife...
Dont know what to do...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

family counselling?


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## Hoping2 (Oct 29, 2009)

Well the story continues, my husband keeps giving mixed signals, I saw him a few times. Sometimes he says that we cant be together because we fight a lot and sometimes he calls acting all concerned about my health and me.. I have tried speaking to him about counselling but everytime we get in a conversation he has to hang up the phone or leave because him mom is waiting for him. I feel so frustrated right now, it really feels like I am not his wife but a girlfriend that he broke up with..
Not once has he asked about the rent, utility bills etc as to how I am managing paying everything all by myself.
I am so confused, I dont know how to behave to keep trying or give up on this marriage...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's seems that he never was fully invested in the marriage. 

This seems like a minor inconvenience for him to leave.

You shouldn't have any guilt..if you do it's misplaced. 

You should be angry. You may be in time. 

Write yourself a list of pros and cons if you stay married?

He needs to make the decision to separate emotionally from his family and cleave (Bible) to his wife. Not that he can't be close to them but you should be the priority.

Frankly, if this basic thing (you being a priority) doesn't occur...your chances are slim to none.

Sorry to be blunt. I hope I am wrong.


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## Hoping2 (Oct 29, 2009)

Thanks for your post Corpuswife, you are right that the basic issue we have is that I am not his priority. I feel like I am trying my best to make this marriage work, I have tried to reach out to him several times, each time I see a change in him but its only temporary. 

He is very focused on his families wishes and yes the anger is finally setting in because I feel betrayed. He keeps talking about respect, but its a two way street, what about the way I feel and my wants and needs. 
I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life and move on, its hard its been more than 4 weeks we have been seperated now and my whole life revolved around him. I feel lost and lonely and depressed..


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You have every reason to those feelings. It's completely normal and difficult. 

He just isn't willing to do the work. Let him go. Build your life.

You can't convince him to come back in your life as a marriage man. He either wants it or not.


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## Hoping2 (Oct 29, 2009)

Well here I am again, its going to be almost 2 months since we seperated, and the anger is building up inside me, my husband calls once a week for 2 min and the moment there is any chance of a real conversation says that he has to hang up..
I can't live my life in limbo like this and want to take a stand regarding where I am heading in life, I havent seen him in more than a month and everytime I ask him to come and see me he makes some excuse and hangs up. 
Do I just file for divorce, apparently he is not ready at all to make any effort to save the marriage.. I have already lost respect for this man who seems to be going on with his life like nothing is wrong and happily staying at his moms not even a little bit concerned how I am managing all by myself...


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