# Separation/Not separation...Ups and Downs



## WhoDat83

Good Day All,
very new to the group and trying to get a suggestion on both sides, men and women on my situation.
Been with my wife for 10 yrs and married 6. Our relationship has always been great in every aspect of life.
in the past 2 years we have had an argument every 3 months because of various issues. too long to write and i dont want to annoy you with particulars.
We started to go to counseling and it was helping a little to see each others point of view but my major concern was that she does not respect me anymore like it was in the past. she asks me opinions but when i tell her i dont agree and explain her why she may not like it. so, you asking me just for an approval or my opinion counts?
Her concern was that she feels like every decision of her should pass by me first which i see it as natural. I dont take a decision and never did, especially important, without asking her if she agrees. and it is not because i m unsecure or i dont know what to do. i m absolutely capable to take decisions myself...I just i see marriage this way. you do stuff for the family together and i ask my wife cause i respect her and our love. On her side, she sees it as a weight.
On top of that..3 yrs ago she started to text with a guy (a parent of a kid that went to school with our daughter). normal texts at the beginning so i was like..ok she has a new friend. but her questions to him were getting a little deeper like interested more in who he was. So we had a conversation about it and she stopped talking to him because it was bothering me. 
Mix of factors brought me to have a convo with her about having doubts on our relationship and my intention was to talk about it. On her point of view i was giving up on our partnership and no matter what she was doing she felt it was not enough for me or "my standards". which it was not true..my thoughts were still on the losing respect. i was hoping her to ask me..hey you want to talk about it..what you having doubts on? how can we solve it?..No. after that her decision was that she wanted to separate for a little time because she wanted to focus on her own expectations more than the family ones.
So she moved to our rental property, right around the corner to our house, almost a month ago. i helped her out. not thrilled about it (maybe stupid) but i did.
from that day, we have been practically doing same things with the only difference of sleeping in different houses. and not even cause we basically have sex every 2 days and is still great on both sides. yesterday last..we had sex at lunch and she slept over to "my" house.
so basically not much has changed cause we are always together. 
Despite that...i m focusing on what i could have done better in some situation we had and hope she is doing the same. i think that this situation is both our fault, not hers, not mine. 
Before she moved, she got back in contact with that person we argued about. she had conversation about there is still love but she does not know if we can be partners anymore and one day she sent you a flirtatious pic to him. Saw it on her phone and we had a conversation. she admitted it was a flirtatious pic but she doesn't want anybody else in her life that is not me. questionable..words vs facts. 
We both are willing to work this out and get back together but her actions are different than her words. sometimes she shows me she is going towards it, sometimes not.
i actually checked her phone few days ago and no contact (text etc) with this person which it is either she is really focusing on our relationship while she works on insecurities (i assume) or she deletes the texts so i cant see it.
i also told her...hey, if he is just a friend.. invite him over so i finally meet him and his kid can play with our daughter. her reaction was..i wanted to but you are not giving me the time. Obv..as you may think..it s BS. had enough time to do that.
Now...just to conclude....I need your suggestions or thoughts but here is where i am now............ she keeps saying we are soulmates and dont see anybody who can give her what i do.
I think she became insecure on herself and what she wants and been a kid that wants to hide in front of issues instead of staying home and solve them finding compromises (cause that is what marriage is for me..you grow together and you keep find compromises to the obstacles life brings you as individual as well as a couple).
not sure where the insecurity comes from cause one of the things i ve done almost every single day (genuinely) is to tell my wife how beautiful she is.
on my side...i m going throu a rollercoaster of emotions...some days i m happy and some days i just want to tell her..listen..i m almost 40yrs old..dont have time for this teenager BS ..take a decision..whatever it is at least i know, i grieve and move on with my life if you dont want to be with me.
i love her a lot and i m sure she does too but it feels she wants to keep her foot in 2 boots at the same time..Like i ll stay with him but at the same time i want my freedom (not talking about men, just in general). Which she could have had been together.
Not sure what i m gonna do but in the past few days i m leaning more towards "putting her back to the wall" and ask her to make a decision.
what you guys think?
please feel free to ask questions


----------



## oldshirt

You’re being played and you are the star player in your own destruction game. 

Unless you are abusing her or cheating on her or are a falling-down alcoholic or drug addict or chronically unemployed, women with young children do not separate from the fathers of their children unless it is to get with another man (or woman in some cases) 

She is test driving this other dude to see if he will take her full time or not. 

If he decides to take her, she will monkey swing to him. 

She is keeping you around in reserve in the likely event he is just banging her for awhile and then moving on. 

You are being weak, naive and gullible to the point of negligence here. 

Are you actually wanting her to leave??


----------



## Marc878

WhoDat83 said:


> Good Day All,
> very new to the group and trying to get a suggestion on both sides, men and women on my situation.
> Been with my wife for 10 yrs and married 6. Our relationship has always been great in every aspect of life.
> in the past 2 years we have had an argument every 3 months because of various issues. too long to write and i dont want to annoy you with particulars.
> We started to go to counseling and it was helping a little to see each others point of view but my major concern was that she does not respect me anymore like it was in the past. she asks me opinions but when i tell her i dont agree and explain her why she may not like it. so, you asking me just for an approval or my opinion counts?
> Her concern was that she feels like every decision of her should pass by me first which i see it as natural. I dont take a decision and never did, especially important, without asking her if she agrees. and it is not because i m unsecure or i dont know what to do. i m absolutely capable to take decisions myself...I just i see marriage this way. you do stuff for the family together and i ask my wife cause i respect her and our love. On her side, she sees it as a weight.
> On top of that..3 yrs ago she started to text with a guy (a parent of a kid that went to school with our daughter). normal texts at the beginning so i was like..ok she has a new friend. but her questions to him were getting a little deeper like interested more in who he was. So we had a conversation about it and she stopped talking to him because it was bothering me.
> Mix of factors brought me to have a convo with her about having doubts on our relationship and my intention was to talk about it. On her point of view i was giving up on our partnership and no matter what she was doing she felt it was not enough for me or "my standards". which it was not true..my thoughts were still on the losing respect. i was hoping her to ask me..hey you want to talk about it..what you having doubts on? how can we solve it?..No. after that her decision was that she wanted to separate for a little time because she wanted to focus on her own expectations more than the family ones.
> So she moved to our rental property, right around the corner to our house, almost a month ago. i helped her out. not thrilled about it (maybe stupid) but i did.
> *Read up on blame shifting and go online and check your phone bill.*
> from that day, we have been practically doing same things with the only difference of sleeping in different houses. and not even cause we basically have sex every 2 days and is still great on both sides. yesterday last..we had sex at lunch and she slept over to "my" house.
> so basically not much has changed cause we are always together.
> *Not much has changed? You are in deep denial. Not uncommon.*
> Despite that...i m focusing on what i could have done better in some situation we had and hope she is doing the same. i think that this situation is both our fault, not hers, not mine.
> Before she moved, she got back in contact with that person we argued about. she had conversation about there is still love but she does not know if we can be partners anymore and one day she sent you a flirtatious pic to him. Saw it on her phone and we had a conversation. she admitted it was a flirtatious pic but she doesn't want anybody else in her life that is not me. questionable..words vs facts.
> We both are willing to work this out and get back together but her actions are different than her words. sometimes she shows me she is going towards it, sometimes not.
> i actually checked her phone few days ago and no contact (text etc) with this person which it is either she is really focusing on our relationship while she works on insecurities (i assume) or she deletes the texts so i cant see it.
> *Separation is a prelude to divorce. She’s reconnected with you conveniently out of the way so she can focus on her old boyfriend. She’s wanting to make sure her boyfriend works out so she’ll keep you on the back burner in case she needs a z plan B backup.*
> i also told her...hey, if he is just a friend.. invite him over so i finally meet him and his kid can play with our daughter. her reaction was..i wanted to but you are not giving me the time. Obv..as you may think..it s BS. had enough time to do that.
> Now...just to conclude....I need your suggestions or thoughts but here is where i am now............ she keeps saying we are soulmates and dont see anybody who can give her what i do.
> I think she became insecure on herself and what she wants and been a kid that wants to hide in front of issues instead of staying home and solve them finding compromises (cause that is what marriage is for me..you grow together and you keep find compromises to the obstacles life brings you as individual as well as a couple).
> *Her words are meaningless. Actions tell you everything you need to know. *
> not sure where the insecurity comes from cause one of the things i ve done almost every single day (genuinely) is to tell my wife how beautiful she is.
> on my side...i m going throu a rollercoaster of emotions...some days i m happy and some days i just want to tell her..listen..i m almost 40yrs old..dont have time for this teenager BS ..take a decision..whatever it is at least i know, i grieve and move on with my life if you dont want to be with me.
> i love her a lot and i m sure she does too but it feels she wants to keep her foot in 2 boots at the same time..Like i ll stay with him but at the same time i want my freedom (not talking about men, just in general). Which she could have had been together.
> *You love her so she must love you to syndrome. Nope her actions show she doesn’t.*
> Not sure what i m gonna do but in the past few days i m leaning more towards "putting her back to the wall" and ask her to make a decision.
> what you guys think?
> please feel free to ask questions


I think you are in deep denial (a temporary comfort zone).
You can only be a chump if you allow it.
Like most you want absolute proof but won’t take the steps necessary to figure it out so you will keep yourself in limbo.
*Blame-shifting* is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.


----------



## Marc878

Talk = nothing. It’s all about actions.


----------



## WhoDat83

oldshirt said:


> You’re being played and you are the star player in your own destruction game.
> 
> Unless you are abusing her or cheating on her or are a falling-down alcoholic or drug addict or chronically unemployed, women with young children do not separate from the fathers of their children unless it is to get with another man (or woman in some cases)
> 
> She is test driving this other dude to see if he will take her full time or not.
> 
> If he decides to take her, she will monkey swing to him.
> 
> She is keeping you around in reserve in the likely event he is just banging her for awhile and then moving on.
> 
> You are being weak, naive and gullible to the point of negligence here.
> 
> Are you actually wanting her to leave??


Marc,
nothing of all that..never abused or raised my hands on her. not alcoholic or into drugs, i fortunately work with a decent salary.
no i dont want her to leave. I know that there is still something there otherwise she would not spend almost every day together and if she is riding him why she comes to ride me often? those are the questions i ask myself. if i want to separate from my partner and be doubtful if it is the right or wrong decision..i would prob keep having sex but not so often as we do..especially if i m seeing somebody else? no?
At the same time i m getting tired... because you are right..i m starting to feel manipulated and like kept as a reserve. As a respect for myself i cannot allow that. it will suck but i need to confront her whatever the outcome will be.


----------



## WhoDat83

Marc878 said:


> I think you are in deep denial (a temporary comfort zone).
> You can only be a chump if you allow it.
> Like most you want absolute proof but won’t take the steps necessary to figure it out so you will keep yourself in limbo.
> *Blame-shifting* is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.


Marc,
i think you are right about everything. Had this conversation with my friends about it. As much as she had recriminated something to me, i feel she is the one doing it (not talking just about sex) and blame me for it. She is blame shifting me and again.. you are right..i m finding myself in a limbo that i dont like. the good thing is that i didnt lose who i am and how much i m worthy.
i m just devastated cause we have a 6 yrs old daughter and she is and will go throu this just because of her emotionally instable mom. it really irritates me. 
One time she was like.. Let s give each other 6 months, 1 year and lets work on a fresh start between us. I told her..one year? 6 months? i dont think it will take that long to understand if you want to keep been with your partner or not.


----------



## WhoDat83

WhoDat83 said:


> Marc,
> nothing of all that..never abused or raised my hands on her. not alcoholic or into drugs, i fortunately work with a decent salary.
> no i dont want her to leave. I know that there is still something there otherwise she would not spend almost every day together and if she is riding him why she comes to ride me often? those are the questions i ask myself. if i want to separate from my partner and be doubtful if it is the right or wrong decision..i would prob keep having sex but not so often as we do..especially if i m seeing somebody else? no?
> At the same time i m getting tired... because you are right..i m starting to feel manipulated and like kept as a reserve. As a respect for myself i cannot allow that. it will suck but i need to confront her whatever the outcome will be.


sorry i meant oldshirt LOL


----------



## WhoDat83

Marc878 said:


> Talk = nothing. It’s all about actions.


unfortunately i agree. i m the same. words are meaningless if not followed by actions.


----------



## Marc878

WhoDat83 said:


> Marc,
> nothing of all that..never abused or raised my hands on her. not alcoholic or into drugs, i fortunately work with a decent salary.
> no i dont want her to leave. I know that there is still something there otherwise she would not spend almost every day together and if she is riding him why she comes to ride me often? those are the questions i ask myself. if i want to separate from my partner and be doubtful if it is the right or wrong decision..i would prob keep having sex but not so often as we do..especially if i m seeing somebody else? no?
> At the same time i m getting tired... because you are right..i m starting to feel manipulated and like kept as a reserve. As a respect for myself i cannot allow that. it will suck but i need to confront her whatever the outcome will be.


Why confront? She knows what she’s doing. You don’t have to tell her. You only need enough information for yourself.


----------



## Marc878

WhoDat83 said:


> Marc,
> i think you are right about everything. Had this conversation with my friends about it. As much as she had recriminated something to me, i feel she is the one doing it (not talking just about sex) and blame me for it. She is blame shifting me and again.. you are right..i m finding myself in a limbo that i dont like. the good thing is that i didnt lose who i am and how much i m worthy.
> i m just devastated cause we have a 6 yrs old daughter and she is and will go throu this just because of her emotionally instable mom. it really irritates me.
> One time she was like.. Let s give each other 6 months, 1 year and lets work on a fresh start between us. I told her..one year? 6 months? i dont think it will take that long to understand if you want to keep been with your partner or not.


It’s up to you to get yourself out of limbo. She doesn’t care. She playing you and you are allowing it.


----------



## oldshirt

WhoDat83 said:


> I know that there is still something there otherwise she would not spend almost every day together and if she is riding him why she comes to ride me often? those are the questions i ask myself. if i want to separate from my partner and be doubtful if it is the right or wrong decision..i would prob keep having sex but not so often as we do..especially if i m seeing somebody else? no?


You are simply mistaken there. 

Women use sex to manipulate men all the time… it’s just so easy for them to do. 

I’ve had prior GFs screw me like porn stars literally days before dumping me cold for other guys and then find out they had been seeing them for weeks while feathering their nests with the other guys to make the jump.

There are people on this board that had sex the very night before getting dumped. 

There are people here that have found out their partner was involved with someone(s) else for YEARS and still maintained an active sex life right up to DDAY. 

This is not unusual at all. It’s actually very common. 

It may be sick and twisted and gross,, but it is very common.


----------



## Kaliber

WhoDat83 said:


> on my side...i m going throu a rollercoaster of emotions...some days i m happy and some days i just want to tell her..listen..i m almost 40yrs old..dont have time for this teenager BS ..take a decision..whatever it is at least i know, i grieve and move on with my life if you dont want to be with me.


@WhoDat83 what @oldshirt said about infidelity and sex with there partner is true, his experience and many stories here (and other websites) confirms it.

One thing I learned from experience is that men who are not decisive and do not take leadership in their household are not attractive to women and usually end up paying the price, you don't need to wait or ask her to decide, you make the decision and inform her about it. Example: Honey, do you want this relationship to work? (wait for her answer) if she says "Yes" then tell her, I expect you to move back in by (Tomorrow/end of week) or else I will consider you don't want to work on us and I will be filing for divorce (Not separation), this is not negotiable!



WhoDat83 said:


> I dont take a decision and never did, especially important, without asking her if she agrees. and it is not because i m unsecure or i dont know what to do. i m absolutely capable to take decisions myself...I just i see marriage this way. you do stuff for the family together and i ask my wife cause i respect her and our love. On her side, she sees it as a weight.


Many women expect their men to take leadership in the relationship, your wife maybe one of those many, burden her with every decision (small or big) makes her feel insecure in the relationship!



WhoDat83 said:


> i actually checked her phone few days ago and no contact (text etc) with this person which it is either she is really focusing on our relationship while she works on insecurities (i assume) or she deletes the texts so i cant see it.


You can check you phone bell to see any SMS text are going out, however, if she is using Apps such as WhatsApp then you will not find any thing in your phone bell, maybe some data usage and it could range from browsing youtube to messages!

You said:


WhoDat83 said:


> On top of that..3 yrs ago she started to text with a guy (a parent of a kid that went to school with our daughter). normal texts at the beginning so i was like..ok she has a new friend. but her questions to him were getting a little deeper like interested more in who he was. So we had a conversation about it and she stopped talking to him because it was bothering me.


And then:


WhoDat83 said:


> Before she moved, she got back in contact with that person we argued about. she had conversation about there is still love but she does not know if we can be partners anymore and one day she sent you a flirtatious pic to him. Saw it on her phone and we had a conversation. she admitted it was a flirtatious pic but she doesn't want anybody else in her life that is not me. questionable..words vs facts.


This is the biggest RED FLAG you have now, she is definitely trying to find a replacement (Or already in progress but you don't know about it yet).
You have no idea what your wife is doing all alone at night, she could be using messaging Apps or video chats such as FaceTime!
Basically you have no idea what she is doing on her free time!
Your wife is viewing this relationship with a GF/BF attitude, it's not, this is a marriage and a family unit, I don't think she sees any weight in that!
I'm also struggling to understand how a wife and a mother moves out of the household away from her child, usually they will ask the man to move out!
You need to KNOW what she is doing on her free time so you don't get caught off guard! 



WhoDat83 said:


> We started to go to counseling and it was helping a little to see each others point of view but my major concern was that she does not respect me anymore like it was in the past. she asks me opinions but when i tell her i dont agree and explain her why she may not like it. so, you asking me just for an approval or my opinion counts?


@WhoDat83, know this, once a women loses respect for her man it rarely comes back, very rarely, unless the man is strong, don't do the "Pick Me Dance", take full leadership and kicks them to the curb, then maybe the respect is somehow restored, because there was retaliation and consequences served, if you don't do anything about it you will be treated the same way and even worse, and the respect will never return, that's why you see men coming back with new infidelity stories years down the road, devastated thinking they were successfully reconciled, if your wife lost respect for you.. it's over unless you do a 180 on your relationship!

It's a s*** show, the only way to go forward is to be strong and decisive!


----------



## Diceplayer

She wanted to move out so she could do what she wants with the OM without you interfering/knowing. If it was me, I'd pay this guy a visit and let him know that there will be consequences if he continues to talk to your wife. Then I would find his wife and make sure that she knew what was going on.


----------



## lifeistooshort

As a woman I'm inclined to agree about women wirh young children not leaving the father unless there's some kind of bad behavior. I left my kids father when they were 5 and 2 but he was a nasty, misogynist drunk who treated me like ****. In fact, I made the decision to leave when he came home one day and started screaming at me because I'd left a sponge in the dishwater.

So unless you're leaving something out your wife is sniffing around other men while keeping you as a backup. A woman with her "soul mate " (that's such a teenage phrase....puke) doesn't need men "friends".

Also keep in mind that it's highly unlikely the other dude actually wants her and her kids full time...she's likely a cheap thrill for him. Keep this in mind when he drops her and she decides she "made a mistake" and really wants you.


----------



## thissucks7788

Hi! I have to agree with the above. I'm a woman and I think she wants to see what would happen with this other guy but is keeping you "warm" in case things don't work out. I am so sorry to say, but I think it is time to stop being wishy washy and decide_ what you want and move forward. I know this is hard and I hope it works out for you. _


----------



## WhoDat83

Diceplayer said:


> She wanted to move out so she could do what she wants with the OM without you interfering/knowing. If it was me, I'd pay this guy a visit and let him know that there will be consequences if he continues to talk to your wife. Then I would find his wife and make sure that she knew what was going on.


diceplayer. i thought about it but i think it s a childish thing to do. at the end of the day she is my wife, not him.
He is divorced.


----------



## WhoDat83

lifeistooshort said:


> As a woman I'm inclined to agree about women wirh young children not leaving the father unless there's some kind of bad behavior. I left my kids father when they were 5 and 2 but he was a nasty, misogynist drunk who treated me like ****. In fact, I made the decision to leave when he came home one day and started screaming at me because I'd left a sponge in the dishwater.
> 
> So unless you're leaving something out your wife is sniffing around other men while keeping you as a backup. A woman with her "soul mate " (that's such a teenage phrase....puke) doesn't need men "friends".
> 
> Also keep in mind that it's highly unlikely the other dude actually wants her and her kids full time...she's likely a cheap thrill for him. Keep this in mind when he drops her and she decides she "made a mistake" and really wants you.


lifeistooshort and others...she did not leave our daughter at my place and go. we talked to our daughter together and every day we make her decide where she wants to sleep. lately has been at her house. thanks god she is still a good mom. my note was more like..how can you do that to your child..like separating. but it happens i guess.
PS. i agree that if there is anything going on with this dude is a rebound and i will not ****ing get her back if she choose another route..with or without realizing she made a mistake.


----------



## Kaliber

WhoDat83 said:


> lifeistooshort and others...she did not leave our daughter at my place and go. we talked to our daughter together and every day we make her decide where she wants to sleep. lately has been at her house. thanks god she is still a good mom. my note was more like..how can you do that to your child..like separating. but it happens i guess.
> PS. i agree that if there is anything going on with this dude is a rebound and i will not ****ing get her back if she choose another route..with or without realizing she made a mistake.


Please understand *you don't need to wait or ask her to decide, you make the decision and inform her about it; get back as a family or I will move on!*


----------



## Rob_1

Kaliber said:


> Please understand *you don't need to wait or ask her to decide, you make the decision and inform her about it; get back as a family or I will move on!*


This is the part that it seems he's not willing to do (afraid, I guess). Unfortunately, in the end if he doesn't do it we all know where it all will end up.


----------



## WhoDat83

Kaliber said:


> Please understand *you don't need to wait or ask her to decide, you make the decision and inform her about it; get back as a family or I will move on!*


kaliber, completely agree and that s what i will do.


----------



## WhoDat83

Rob_1 said:


> This is the part that it seems he's not willing to do (afraid, I guess). Unfortunately, in the end if he doesn't do it we all know where it all will end up.


Rob... easy tiger..was not kidding when i said that i know myself and i have a good self-esteem of myself. Fortunately I still have my brain on top of my head. i m planning to do it cause y alls comments confirm what i was already thinking. 
The fact that i waited now 3 weeks/1 month after she moves is just because i wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt given that marriage, by Catholicism, is "in good or bad". This is the bad and i needed to see if it was a real down time for her cause by incomprehensions or down time cause she may look for something else. 
As husbands i need to help her out as much as I can, as well as a wife she should do the same if i have a down period.
However, i understood in this time that she is the insecure one and as much as i can help her, she has to help herself first. 
Sure it sucks but i need to have a conversation with her, tell her what it should happen in one way or another and wait her answer, whatever it is. i m not ready to move on yet (10 years is a lot of time to forget in a blink of an eye) but at the same time i m tired of this teenager bs approach. 
will keep you guys posted. thank you for helping


----------



## WhoDat83

WhoDat83 said:


> Rob... easy tiger..was not kidding when i said that i know myself and i have a good self-esteem of myself. Fortunately I still have my brain on top of my head. i m planning to do it cause y alls comments confirm what i was already thinking.
> The fact that i waited now 3 weeks/1 month after she moves is just because i wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt given that marriage, by Catholicism, is "in good or bad". This is the bad and i needed to see if it was a real down time for her cause by incomprehensions or down time cause she may look for something else.
> As husbands i need to help her out as much as I can, as well as a wife she should do the same if i have a down period.
> However, i understood in this time that she is the insecure one and as much as i can help her, she has to help herself first.
> Sure it sucks but i need to have a conversation with her, tell her what it should happen in one way or another and wait her answer, whatever it is. i m not ready to move on yet (10 years is a lot of time to forget in a blink of an eye) but at the same time i m tired of this teenager bs approach.
> will keep you guys posted. thank you for helping



Rob and all...just had a talk with her. told her i was leaving work for a lunch break going to my house to jump naked in my pool and i told her i ll see her there. she said ok.
got home she was already naked in the pool LOL. obv you understand how it went.
After....i started the convo and told her i waited 1 month just as respect for our 10 years together but 1 month was my expiration date to decide what to do. told her that even if i love her and the time we have together now.. i love myself too and dont want this situation because i feel in a limbo and this situation is not good for anybody beside her. Asked her if she feels that she can be back living together right now and after a pause she said.. yes but can i counterpropose? she said yes..i am but what you think if you move to my house (our rental property) and we refinance the house and make it as we like. she explained her view of us living there
told her...we ll figure the logistics out but my question was if you are ready now otherwise i need to keep going with my life with or without you. she said yes.
then we switched the conversation to the guy. Did not mention that days ago she sent a flirtatious pic to him, i caught it and she said "he is just a friend, i know that the pic is flirtatious but it was just a text after i drank".
yesterday he went to her house to check some pots and pans that she wanted to get rid of (she previously told me he would and also my friend and her son who live there were there too when he went over). She told yesterday night he went over which i appreciate but i pointed out that if she would have told me earlier when he was there so it would have been more honest and less shady. she mentioned again that he is just a friend and would like me to meet him if ok with me. didnt answer.
today we talked about a text that she received yesterday night from him and i asked her to share. she was like..it is something that i dont know if i m ready yet to tell you. BS..but i was like..oh ok.
so today i asked her what it was and she told me it was about sunday and meeting him for a drink to thank him for fixing an issue she had with a gas line.
i told her..well..i don't like the idea and you say you want to get back together..I think going to have a drink is shady as well even if you a re telling me ..so what will you do?
long story short i told her that she has to close the friendship with him because it s the only way i can pass over this shadiness around the friendship. she said i have a lot of friends and she never had many, he is only a friend and she wants to invite him over for me to meet. told her i dont have any issue with you having male friends and never had as long as there is clear communication and not shadiness like in this case.
i told her..listen..i m frankly tired of telling you yes for things i dont like and this is one of it. i m sure he is a nice guy but you made a mistake to dont mention him or make it clear about his existance and this is what brought us her now. So my answer is no. i told you what i think about the drink and the situation so it s up to you what you r going to do. what importance this friendship has compared to our marriage. just let me know so i know if i have to move forward with or without you
then i left the house.
so...let s see what she does but beside that..if in 2 days she does not mention anything i ll bring it back for the last time and close it once and for all

thoughts?


----------



## Kaliber

WhoDat83 said:


> yesterday he went to her house to check some pots and pans that she wanted to get rid of (she previously told me he would and also my friend and her son who live there were there too when he went over). She told yesterday night he went over which i appreciate but i pointed out that if she would have told me earlier when he was there so it would have been more honest and less shady. she mentioned again that he is just a friend and would like me to meet him if ok with me. didnt answer.
> today we talked about a text that she received yesterday night from him and i asked her to share. she was like..it is something that i dont know if i m ready yet to tell you. BS..but i was like..oh ok.
> so today i asked her what it was and she told me it was about sunday and meeting him for a drink to thank him for fixing an issue she had with a gas line.


Yup, as we said, the move to another place was for her to have some freedom to explore!
I think you made a couple of mistakes, but going from a YES man to:


WhoDat83 said:


> i told her..listen..i m frankly tired of telling you yes for things i dont like and this is one of it. i m sure he is a nice guy but you made a mistake to dont mention him or make it clear about his existance and this is what brought us her now. So my answer is no. i told you what i think about the drink and the situation so it s up to you what you r going to do. what importance this friendship has compared to our marriage. just let me know so i know if i have to move forward with or without you


Is a pretty damn good progress to set the tone and frame for you marriage!
If something is shady, or something you don't like or approve then speak up and never bend backwords!

Here is the issue now, you need to keep your eyes more open now, she might escalate the "friendship" before returning home, and then takes it underground!

This part didn't sit well with me:


WhoDat83 said:


> today we talked about a text that she received yesterday night from him and i asked her to share. she was like..*it is something that i dont know if i m ready yet to tell you.*


If it's normal friendship as she claims, she would have opened her phone and handed it to you!
Not ready means, I need to clean up the chat history!
And a man inviting a married women for drinks is not shady... this is an outright dating and SHE knows it, that's why she was not ready to share anything about it with you, and to soften things with you she brought up this:


WhoDat83 said:


> he is only a friend and she wants to invite him over for me to meet.


Do you know how many stories here in this forum where wives brought their affair partner to meet their husbands while they are banging and joking behind his back and calling him a cuckold?!

Check her phone to see what she told him when you told her to cut him off!
I hope I'm wrong, but I have a feeling that you might post soon in the "Coping with Infidelity" section of this forum!


----------



## WhoDat83

Kaliber said:


> Yup, as we said, the move to another place was for her to have some freedom to explore!
> I think you made a couple of mistakes, but going from a YES man to:
> 
> Is a pretty damn good progress to set the tone and frame for you marriage!
> If something is shady, or something you don't like or approve then speak up and never bend backwords!
> 
> Here is the issue now, you need to keep your eyes more open now, she might escalate the "friendship" before returning home, and then takes it underground!
> 
> That part didn't sit well with me:
> 
> If it's normal friendship as she claims, she would have open her phone and handed it to you!
> Not ready means, I need to clean up the chat history!
> And a man inviting a married women for drinks is not shady... this is an outright dating and SHE knows it, that's why she ready to share anything about it with you, and to make soften things with you she brought up the this:
> 
> Do you know how many stories here in this forum where wives brought their affair partner to meet their husbands while they are banging and joking behind his back and calling him a cuckold?!
> 
> Check her phone to see what she told him when you told her to cut him off!
> I hope I'm wrong, but I have a feeling that you might post soon in the "Coping with Infidelity" section of this forum!


Kaliber,
thank you for your thoughts. That phrase didnt sit well with me last night and dont sit well with me today after she told me what it was. Not sure it makes sense for her to tell me "cannot show cause i m not ready yet" when the matter was only a drink out. so i guess it s like you said..she needed to clean up a little bit.
yeah bro.. like she says...i have a lot of good friends in my life and i kept all friendship alive cause i didnt do or start anything shady with them.
we have a lot of friends in our group so she could have potentially talked about us and the situation with our friends.. not sure the need of reopen a "friendship" that made us argue.
Anyway.. now that i know i ll ask her to see her phone..so i can see if she cancelled the texts about it or not. also maybe to check how is she handling the ultimatum.
Nah..not going to be in that group LOL. i know how to cope with it. i move forward and keep my life going. But hey, you may find me in "wtf happened to my wife to decide to move out" group LOL


----------



## uwe.blab

WhoDat83 said:


> Rob and all...just had a talk with her. told her i was leaving work for a lunch break going to my house to jump naked in my pool and i told her i ll see her there. she said ok.
> got home she was already naked in the pool LOL. obv you understand how it went.
> After....i started the convo and told her i waited 1 month just as respect for our 10 years together but 1 month was my expiration date to decide what to do. told her that even if i love her and the time we have together now.. i love myself too and dont want this situation because i feel in a limbo and this situation is not good for anybody beside her. Asked her if she feels that she can be back living together right now and after a pause she said.. yes but can i counterpropose? she said yes..i am but what you think if you move to my house (our rental property) and we refinance the house and make it as we like. she explained her view of us living there
> told her...we ll figure the logistics out but my question was if you are ready now otherwise i need to keep going with my life with or without you. she said yes.
> then we switched the conversation to the guy. Did not mention that days ago she sent a flirtatious pic to him, i caught it and she said "he is just a friend, i know that the pic is flirtatious but it was just a text after i drank".
> yesterday he went to her house to check some pots and pans that she wanted to get rid of (she previously told me he would and also my friend and her son who live there were there too when he went over). She told yesterday night he went over which i appreciate but i pointed out that if she would have told me earlier when he was there so it would have been more honest and less shady. she mentioned again that he is just a friend and would like me to meet him if ok with me. didnt answer.
> today we talked about a text that she received yesterday night from him and i asked her to share. she was like..it is something that i dont know if i m ready yet to tell you. BS..but i was like..oh ok.
> so today i asked her what it was and she told me it was about sunday and meeting him for a drink to thank him for fixing an issue she had with a gas line.
> i told her..well..i don't like the idea and you say you want to get back together..I think going to have a drink is shady as well even if you a re telling me ..so what will you do?
> long story short i told her that she has to close the friendship with him because it s the only way i can pass over this shadiness around the friendship. she said i have a lot of friends and she never had many, he is only a friend and she wants to invite him over for me to meet. told her i dont have any issue with you having male friends and never had as long as there is clear communication and not shadiness like in this case.
> i told her..listen..i m frankly tired of telling you yes for things i dont like and this is one of it. i m sure he is a nice guy but you made a mistake to dont mention him or make it clear about his existance and this is what brought us her now. So my answer is no. i told you what i think about the drink and the situation so it s up to you what you r going to do. what importance this friendship has compared to our marriage. just let me know so i know if i have to move forward with or without you
> then i left the house.
> so...let s see what she does but beside that..if in 2 days she does not mention anything i ll bring it back for the last time and close it once and for all
> 
> thoughts?


Sounds like she is already sleeping with this guy. And you have no way of knowing.


----------



## Rob_1

Big mistake you did there dude. You should had demanded the phone right there and then. No handing over the phone?, it would have been good-bye and have a nice life.

Something does not jive quite right though. You need to up your game as far as finding what's she doing when you're not watching.


----------



## Marc878

WhoDat83 said:


> lifeistooshort and others...she did not leave our daughter at my place and go. we talked to our daughter together and every day we make her decide where she wants to sleep. lately has been at her house. thanks god she is still a good mom. my note was more like..how can you do that to your child..like separating. but it happens i guess.
> PS. i agree that if there is anything going on with this dude is a rebound and i will not ****ing get her back if she choose another route..with or without realizing she made a mistake.


Sorry man but good moms don’t destroy their families.


----------



## Beach123

Don’t stay with her unless she takes a polygraph test. I’d bet money your wife has been sleeping with him.

the sex with you is to keep you quiet and compliant.
She plans to stay with you while she cheats because you provide her many things she wants. Except she also wants another man too.

I notice your wife is the one who is shady. She doesn’t offer the full truth until she has to. She is a sneaky one - the worst kind.

polygraph immediately. You need to know what’s real. The main question to ask “did you have any physical contact with ____ (OM).

Don’t be so nice to her - she’s test driving another potential husband. And don’t move for her - stay in your own place - she thinks she is calling the shots now.


----------



## Marc878

We’re just friends is the biggest lie told here. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Indecision is a cheaters best friend and your worst enemy.
Only you can put yourself in limbo.


----------



## Beach123

Put some cameras in her place. See when he’s really coming and going.
Since she’s so honest - it won’t bother her a bit.


----------



## WhoDat83

Rob_1 said:


> Big mistake you did there dude. You should had demanded the phone right there and them. No handing over thephone?, it would have been good-bye and have a nice life.
> 
> Something does not jive quite right though. You need to up your game as far as finding what's she doing when you're not watching.


how? private investigator?


----------



## WhoDat83

Beach123 said:


> Don’t stay with her unless she takes a polygraph test. I’d bet money your wife has been sleeping with him.
> 
> the sex with you is to keep you quiet and compliant.
> She plans to stay with you while she cheats because you provide her many things she wants. Except she also wants another man too.
> 
> I notice your wife is the one who is shady. She doesn’t offer the full truth until she has to. She is a sneaky one - the worst kind.
> 
> polygraph immediately. You need to know what’s real. The main question to ask “did you have any physical contact with ____ (OM).
> 
> Don’t be so nice to her - she’s test driving another potential husband. And don’t move for her - stay in your own place - she thinks she is calling the shots now.


will not move from my house.
also..polygraph test? like i tell her to get the test? idk about that..what do i accomplish? i prefer if it comes from her. it will suck but i would appreciate more because it dictates the "civil part" of been parents for our daughter.
have you guys made your partner doing the test? how did you even propose? and did they accept?


----------



## WhoDat83

Rob_1 said:


> Big mistake you did there dude. You should had demanded the phone right there and them. No handing over thephone?, it would have been good-bye and have a nice life.
> 
> Something does not jive quite right though. You need to up your game as far as finding what's she doing when you're not watching.


just bought a car tracker on amazon. i will put it under her car and see where she goes when i m not around.


----------



## Rob_1

WhoDat83 said:


> just let me know so i know if i have to move forward with or without you
> then i left the house.





WhoDat83 said:


> Not sure it makes sense for her to tell me "cannot show cause i m not ready yet" when the matter was only a drink out





WhoDat83 said:


> The fact that i waited now 3 weeks/1 month after she moves is just because i wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt


@WhoDat83, just to give you a few lines written by you to show you how you have been letting her carry the narrative. What you need to understand is that in situations like your, you do not let the other person controlled the narrative to the outcome that they are seeking. YOU DO, you control the narrative per what you are willing to put up with (you shouldn't have to put up with anything, though).

You are getting there, slowly but you're getting there. The main thing to understand in this types of situations is to just convey clearly and precisely what is it that you want, not with all the going arounds from you and her. All you are doing is stretching the situation unnecessarily. The "I'm not ready yet", "let me Know", "I'm waiting", is a direct acceptance of letting her have your future in her hands. You are letting her determine it. Love and relationship shouldn't be that hard. It should be and easy peaceful slow rolling motion with little friction. When a relationship is forced, then you get what you're getting because is not supposed to be. We hear it all the time, "But I love her", like if loving her has anything to do with it. You can love a person all you want, but if that person is not giving back the same, then it will never work. Better to part ways and seek a new partner if that's still what one's want.

That's why when you things get to the point where you have to ask, demand, coerce, cajole, then what for to continue? My first wife after 7 years together all of the sudden she didn't want sex. I let it slide without pushing at all, because she say it was her, not me. After three months I spoke once, and that was it, I left. Best decision I ever did. No, crying, begging, demanding, forcing. We can all get out of a bad relationship, all you :must" be ready to do is to have the courage, the self respect and dignity to walk away. 




WhoDat83 said:


> how? private investigator?


No necessarily, but that's the easiest, results guaranteed, but expensive way. If I were to make sure that there's not someone else before I proceed to trying to fix a relationship, I would do just what you did: a tracker to check where's she's going. Barrow a car on a Friday/Saturday to stake her out to check who's coming and going. But in truth, if I were to get to the point of needing to do that, then, what for? it's over. Why go through all that bother.


----------



## WhoDat83

Rob_1 said:


> @WhoDat83, just to give you a few lines written by you to show you how you have been letting her carry the narrative. What you need to understand is that in situations like your, you do not let the other person controlled the narrative to the outcome that they are seeking. YOU DO, you control the narrative per what you are willing to put up with (you shouldn't have to put up with anything, though).
> 
> You are getting there, slowly but you're getting there. The main thing to understand in this types of situations is to just convey clearly and precisely what is it that you want, not with all the going arounds from you and her. All you are doing is stretching the situation unnecessarily. The "I'm not ready yet", "let me Know", "I'm waiting", is a direct acceptance of letting her have your future in her hands. You are letting her determine it. Love and relationship shouldn't be that hard. It should be and easy peaceful slow rolling motion with little friction. When a relationship is forced, then you get what you're getting because is not supposed to be. We hear it all the time, "But I love her", like if loving her has anything to do with it. You can love a person all you want, but if that person is not giving back the same, then it will never work. Better to part ways and seek a new partner if that's still what one's want.
> 
> That's why when you things get to the point where you have to ask, demand, coerce, cajole, then what for to continue? My first wife after 7 years together all of the sudden she didn't want sex. I let it slide without pushing at all, because she say it was her, not me. After three months I spoke once, and that was it, I left. Best decision I ever did. No, crying, begging, demanding, forcing. We can all get out of a bad relationship, all you :must" be ready to do is to have the courage, the self respect and dignity to walk away.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> No necessarily, but that's the easiest, results guaranteed, but expensive way. If I were to make sure that there's not someone else before I proceed to trying to fix a relationship, I would do just what you did: a tracker to check where's she's going. Barrow a car on a Friday/Saturday to stake her out to check who's coming and going. But in truth, if I were to get to the point of needing to do that, then, what for? it's over. Why go through all that bother.


Rob,
same question i m asking myself. if i m at the point i need to check her phone or buying a tracker or hiring a PI (which i m not too be honest, too expensive)..then why..for what??
i will never accept to move to her house (our rental property) cause she will completely feel the control of everything or everybody including myself and i will not allow it. also if i move there and rent my first house and something happens again..i will be the one that has to move out. and i worked hard and smart in order to own two houses. i will not see myself out of both because of her.


----------



## Rob_1

WhoDat83 said:


> Rob,
> same question i m asking myself. if i m at the point i need to check her phone or buying a tracker or hiring a PI (which i m not too be honest, too expensive)..then why..for what??
> i will never accept to move to her house (our rental property) cause she will completely feel the control of everything or everybody including myself and i will not allow it. also if i move there and rent my first house and something happens again..i will be the one that has to move out. and i worked hard and smart in order to own two houses. i will not see myself out of both because of her.


Just a reminder: It's not just how and when you see yourself moving forward, but what are you doing to move forward. We can see ourselves in various types of scenarios moving forward, but as long as you don't do anything, then it's all academics.


----------



## jlg07

WhoDat83 said:


> I know that there is still something there otherwise she would not spend almost every day together and if she is riding him why she comes to ride me often? those are the questions i ask myself.


Because she is making sure you stick around as plan B in case this new guy doesn't work out. Her contacting him again tells you what you need to know. She wants to act single and bang other guys, and still have YOU sitting around waiting for her in case she needs a soft place to land.


----------



## SunCMars

You mentioned that she is unstable.

That is the crux of the problem, no other descriptive words need to be attached.

She is going through a phase, the seven year itch, mid-life crisis, something.......and she has lost control of her thoughts and actions.

She is having sex with you on a regular basis to keep you sated. So that you do not go out and find her replacement.

She wants to leave, but the circumstances have not been favorable to her, at this juncture.

She has a plan, one that is either foggy, or is still developing.

She may be shopping online for a new partner


----------



## WhoDat83

Rob_1 said:


> Just a reminder: It's not just how and when you see yourself moving forward, but what are you doing to move forward. We can see ourselves in various types of scenarios moving forward, but as long as you don't do anything, then it's all academics.


Rob,
may i ask you to explain better the dont do anything its all academics?


----------



## WhoDat83

SunCMars said:


> You mentioned that she is unstable.
> 
> That is the crux of the problem, no other descriptive words need to be attached.
> 
> She is going through a phase, the seven year itch, mid-life crisis, something.......and she has lost control of her thoughts and actions.
> 
> She is having sex with you on a regular basis to keep you sated. So that you do not go out and find her replacement.
> 
> She wants to leave, but the circumstances have not been favorable to her, at this juncture.
> 
> She has a plan, one that is either foggy, or is still developing.
> 
> She may be shopping online for a new partner


SunCMars,
it is very sad and true indeed. so what s your suggestion? what would you do in my shoes?


----------



## Livvie

WhoDat83 said:


> SunCMars,
> it is very sad and true indeed. so what s your suggestion? what would you do in my shoes?


I'm not Sun, but honestly I'd GTFO.

You can't trust this woman and she's not a good partner. 

She has revealed her true character.


----------



## Rob_1

WhoDat83 said:


> Rob,
> may i ask you to explain better the dont do anything its all academics?


It's all academics means that you can have all the theories, and formulas worked out, but as long as you don't put them in practice, then it's all academics.
Same in life, you can can have all your boundaries and consequences of those boundaries being broken in your head, but as long as they get not enforced, then, it's all semantics, academics, wishful thinking, whatever you'd want to call it.

I'm old, but I know what I know not because I'm smart or anything, but because I'm old enough to have experienced what works, and what doesn’t work in life. If I would had been borne knowing it all, then, I would have achieved everything in my life very early on.
One thing I learned though, when it comes to relationships, YOU GOT TO BE THE PRIZE. When you're not the prize then, you're the one looking for the prize. Right there you're at a disadvantage my friend, because the other person would have power over you.

Fact is as long as I have been with my wife (almost 30 years), as much as I love her, if she were to come up with the shenanigans that your wife is putting you through, I would tell her the day she leaves, "here this is a copy of the divorce papers. You will be served as soon as they are ready". 

That's how you do it, no back and forth. No living in fear and "hopium ", because as much as it would hurt me, my pride and dignity wouldn't allow me to beg. I'm the prize. If she doesn't want it, hey, someone else would. Of that I'm absolutely certain. So I don't play the "pick me" dance, or the back and forth in hope twisting her arms to be with me. That's pathetic.


----------



## SunCMars

WhoDat83 said:


> SunCMars,
> it is very sad and true indeed. so what s your suggestion? what would you do in my shoes?


I read your most recent posts.

Don't bother checking up on her, she is obviously a cheater.

File for divorce, immediately!

Then ghost her, as much as possible.
.....................................................................

One, related question: Is there a waiting period in your state where you must be separated for some period, prior to divorce?


----------



## WhoDat83

SunCMars said:


> I read your most recent posts. Don't bother checking up on her, she is obviously a cheater. File for divorce, immediately! Then ghost her, as much as possible. ..................................................................... One, related question: Is there a waiting period in your state where you must be separated for some period, prior to divorce?


 Yes. 1 year. I can't ghost her too much. We have a 6 yrs old daughter :-/


----------



## Beach123

She’s a cheater.
You can’t believe a word she says.

there is NOTHING to “work on”.

file for divorce knowing you can’t make her change/be a faithful wife!


----------



## SunCMars

WhoDat83 said:


> *Yes. 1 year*. I can't ghost her too much. We have a 6 yrs old daughter :-/


She may know this and is biding her time?

See a lawyer, get the time she moved out to be officially on the divorce clock.

Start the 180 on her.

Only talk about your shared child's issues, nothing else.
Shut down any of her extraneous conversations.
She has earned the silent treatment.

You need a break from her lying and her truth spinning.


----------



## WhoDat83

SunCMars said:


> She may know this and is biding her time?
> 
> See a lawyer, get the time she moved out to be officially on the divorce clock.
> 
> Start the 180 on her.
> 
> Only talk about your shared child's issues, nothing else.
> Shut down any of her extraneous conversations.
> She has earned the silent treatment.
> 
> You need a break from her lying and her truth spinning.


Sun/ALL,
i had a conversation with her yesterday night based on telling her it s better now to officially take a break from each other and go ahead with filing the divorce paper.
told her that i accepted that she is not now the person i fell in love with..That the dude just made the situation worst but the main issue is her general confusion and lost of lucidity in everything she is doing/handling.
During the conversation she pointed out that this should have been our clean slate for a fresh start and that in the past two weeks she has shown me that i m the one she wants to be with, that she has been clear about the other dude been just a friend and that i didnt trust her.
Told her..whatever it is ..you are telling me that this situation that has been shady from the beginning changed to sending the dude pics, talking to him every day and organize a drink out has to be ok with me and i just have to trust you? i m sorry..i can't have you disrespect me,whatever you want with whoever you want and be ok with that because i trust you. this shouldn t even exist nor been an issue.
During the convo she tried to get defensive in a couple of situation but i kept myself composed and told her that i dont want to argue, i just hope she will find her happiness back and she said me too.
So...first part of my intentions is done. follow up is important.
Obviously after 10 years i still want to be with her but only doing this and make everything clear and telling her that now she has to help herself getting out of this cofusion is the only way i can have her back.
Keep been together and do same things but living in a separate house and trust her may have brought her back but i may have not been convinced because of potential resentment on allowing her things that i dont like. so..as of now, i m relatively happy.
Wish me luck guys..whatever happens.


----------



## Rob_1

WhoDat83 said:


> Wish me luck guys..whatever happens.


There you are again..whatever happens?? no dude, you are not listening, you are continuing letting her dictate the outcome of your life. "whatever happens" means that you are still expecting her to tell you: honey, I though better about it, I choose you. What, are you, Pikachu?

You keep having these conversations where you actually say a lot but nothing that would really hit home to her. You keep talking, she keeps stalling you with half meanings.

Dude a man that have pride or self respect meets with her and hand her over either actual divorce papers or a copy and tell her: I have decided that I not longer want you as my wife after all the disrespect you have given me. Have a nice life. Then you walk away, that's all. But not, here you are still wanting her back and letting her do the next move while you passively wait. After all the disrespect, why dude, why you want to be with her? don't you have any pride?

I guess this is one of the reasons why today's women feel so entitled to disrespect their partner: today's dudes have little self-respect and dignity.


----------



## Beach123

Your mistake was having that long winded conversation with her.
You keep trying and she keeps lying.

you want to believe her so badly you accept her lies.

her actions show you she doesn’t respect nor love you anymore. That’s ALL you need to know.

her words are to manipulate you and get MORE out of you.

stop talking to her about anything personal. File for divorce and get a custody order in place.


----------



## WhoDat83

Rob_1 said:


> There you are again..whatever happens?? no dude, you are not listening, you are continuing letting her dictate the outcome of your life. "whatever happens" means that you are still expecting her to tell you: honey, I though better about it, I choose you. What, are you, Pikachu?
> 
> You keep having these conversations where you actually say a lot but nothing that would really hit home to her. You keep talking, she keeps stalling you with half meanings.
> 
> Dude a man that have pride or self respect meets with her and hand her over either actual divorce papers or a copy and tell her: I have decided that I not longer want you as my wife after all the disrespect you have given me. Have a nice life. Then you walk away, that's all. But not, here you are still wanting her back and letting her do the next move while you passively wait. After all the disrespect, why dude, why you want to be with her? don't you have any pride?
> 
> I guess this is one of the reasons why today's women feel so entitled to disrespect their partner: today's dudes have little self-respect and dignity.


Rob,
with all the respect, i hear what you are saying but i would expect more suggestions than judgements. At the end of the day only who is inside the relationship evaluates what s best and whats not, what s right or wrong and what to do or not. And i know i know..who is in the relationship sometimes is blind to the evidence. i m not stupid..i know but i m not. i see clear and i take decisions accordingly. i could have stayed with her and be an idiot but i didnt. There..here is your hit home! 
All relationships are different. not because yours or others went wrong mine have to as well. even if there are similarities.
The good thing in all of this is that i know my wife (at least who used to be) and it s obvious she has not a clear mind right now been in a situation where she only put herself in. if it was only the dude i would say ok..she is just looking for something else. but it s also other things, like spending **** ton of money for things she dont need, buying new things where the ones she moved in with are still all around, focusing on creating her own gym in the laundry room not thinking that maybe is better to move stuff from the inside the house floor so kids and roommate cannot trip on it, not thinking about when our daughter is hungry like she did before etc etc etc. She is not in the right state of mind. not sure what clicked in her mind but something did and the wrong way.
On top of that.. i m catholic and a family oriented person and when there is my daughter in the middle i swallow my pride and think twice. Again..not saying i forgive her.
This decision is the best i could have made cause i told her straight what i think and I told her that only if we take a break we both will find our happiness back. 
If yesterday night she would have told me she wants to come back with me i honestly would have felt that is not the right thing to do now for me because on my side i m still disappointed/pissed on the way she handled the situation with the dude so restarting our life together with resentment is not good for me!
she needs her own space now and i need mine. she needs to find herself back and i need to focus on myself and my daughter. 
Now it can go either way, either we are back together or not but it will be good anyway for me.
After 10 years together and a lot built together i dont feel giving up on us but at the same time i m not ok with the situation.
to be honest in order for us to come back she will have to beg me on her knees and i know that it may sound misogynist but only that will make me really think that she is sorry and she was wrong, which she is. 
Here in Louisiana you can get legally divorced after 1 year so anyway i cannot completely close the bridges with her as well as we have a daughter together and i want a civil relationship for her even if we are not together.
Again...i hear what you say but i m absolutely sure that for myself first, this is the best decision i could have made.


----------



## Kaliber

@WhoDat83 how are things going bro?


----------

