# What is Love?



## voryn (Jun 13, 2011)

My Story

I feel like if I have to ask then I am not there... I loved my W once when she was a different person. She's changed and I've changed and now I'm left not knowing anymore if I truely Love her. I do not wish her harm or even pain, I just want to be happy and I want her to be happy. She asked me the other day to discribe how i felt about her in one word and I said "worry".

We've been seperated now for just over 2 months and I still don't feel the love i used to for her. I have no desire to date other women, I have no desire to buy a fancy sports car, and I do not wish to abandon my daughter. I still pay all of my W's bills and supply her with money even though she is still unemployed and lives now with her grandmother and my daughter. 

This past weekend in an atempt to mend things I thought perhaps if she moved back in for a while and I tried to feel those feelings again with her here at home it would help. When I posed this solution to her she jumped back and retorted with " I don't want to live somewhere where i'm not loved." again with her Borderline Personality Disorder, splitting (seeing things in black or white only) so she shot my idea down.

How do you know when it's over? I'm in constant anguish and guilt over it all and every day seems to be a bit worse. I have IC set up for the 26th but im going crazy out of my mind. I keep trying to see the good in her but then she has an outburst and cuts me with her words soo savagely that I have to take a double take.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

Love is a verb, first and foremost. If you don't love her, start. A study was done once with troubled couples. They had expressed that they no longer loved each other. They were asked to spend a segment of time pretending that they did. Say the right things, do the right things, touching, affection. Just for a period of time. When they returned most said they loved each other again. Just as the body reacts to thought, the brain reacts to the body. If you have a timid dog, hold his chin up and tail up. He will eventually become confident because his brain knows when my head and tail are up I'm confident.

I realize this sounds simplistic but if you want to save your marriage think about it. Get counseling, though. I can't imagine letting a marriage decay and think you can go without counseling. You think your situation is different than anyone else. It's not. Just different people.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Love...just is...


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

voryn said:


> My Story
> 
> I feel like if I have to ask then I am not there... I loved my W once when she was a different person. She's changed and I've changed and now I'm left not knowing anymore if I truely Love her. I do not wish her harm or even pain, I just want to be happy and I want her to be happy. She asked me the other day to discribe how i felt about her in one word and I said "worry".
> 
> ...





> her Borderline Personality Disorder, splitting (seeing things in black or white only)


 <---- oh boy!

Has she been diagnosed? I've got a great website....you may already know about it, but it helps w/BPD.

Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners
Check it out....message boards have some great info

I can't answer your question about what love is, apparently I don't know either


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## voryn (Jun 13, 2011)

That's what makes this soo hard, she has been diagnosed and knows what she needs to do to get help she is even on that site you listed I don't know her user name but it makes me nervous to post there. She swears she's doing the best she can and trying to keep things in control and for the record she is a higher functioning case and has been improving gradually over the past few years but at a very painstakingly slow pace. Her progress has been peppered with one step forward and two back though.


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## voryn (Jun 13, 2011)

sprinter said:


> I realize this sounds simplistic but if you want to save your marriage think about it. Get counseling, though. I can't imagine letting a marriage decay and think you can go without counseling. You think your situation is different than anyone else. It's not. Just different people.


I repectfully dissagree on that point, I think every situation is different. "Just loving her" is what has brought me to this point in my life. I spent the first 6 years of our marriage loving her unconditionally because I believed it was what I was supposed to do as her husband. I believed to do anything less would make me a horrible man and an inadiquate husband.

I thought if I could just keep shoveling in my love she would eventually fill up with it...well she never did and I became empty inside. The virtual affair and the Lieing has peeled my eyes open and broken my protective shell. perhaps it would not have been so bad if she were working a job or contributing more than the bare minimum to our marriage these past years.

I suppose im answering my own question, maybe i've reached my limit and I just can't go any further. I guess I just need to figure out what I want and pray that maybe the counselor will help me find that. I just have no idea which road to take.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

voryn said:


> I repectfully dissagree on that point, I think every situation is different. "Just loving her" is what has brought me to this point in my life. I spent the first 6 years of our marriage loving her unconditionally because I believed it was what I was supposed to do as her husband. I believed to do anything less would make me a horrible man and an inadiquate husband.
> 
> I thought if I could just keep shoveling in my love she would eventually fill up with it...well she never did and I became empty inside. The virtual affair and the Lieing has peeled my eyes open and broken my protective shell. perhaps it would not have been so bad if she were working a job or contributing more than the bare minimum to our marriage these past years.
> 
> I suppose im answering my own question, maybe i've reached my limit and I just can't go any further. I guess I just need to figure out what I want and pray that maybe the counselor will help me find that. I just have no idea which road to take.


Obviously, loving someone has it's limits. I'm not saying anyone should do all the work. I'm saying it's simplistic to say, "I don't love this person anymore." Barring any other circumstances, thinking you just "fell out of love" is a cop out. OTOH, if you've been the only one pulling the load, you have to start asking yourself to what end.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

voryn said:


> That's what makes this soo hard, she has been diagnosed and knows what she needs to do to get help she is even on that site you listed I don't know her user name but it makes me nervous to post there. She swears she's doing the best she can and trying to keep things in control and for the record she is a higher functioning case and has been improving gradually over the past few years but at a very painstakingly slow pace. Her progress has been peppered with one step forward and two back though.


This is the HARDEST types of relationships!
The black/white
The push/pull
The dynamics
The attraction....
These people are almost an addiction....
Have you looked around on this site?
Atleast do some reading....
I wish you luck


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