# Swinging, Cuckold, Group sex,etc...



## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

I am wondering.
For those who are divorced and into their second or third or what have you relationship.
How many of you have become more open to the alternative sex lifestyle.

I am finding myself more interested in this possibility.

Now I know the majority of people have never and will never want to try this sexual lifestyle, and I absolutely understand that.

But it seems that as we get older, we become more open to these ideas?
Maybe it is because we feel more secure?
Maybe it is because we feel more bored?
I dunno, Has anyone successfully adopted this lifestyle?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

A few percent of the population tries these things. From what I've seen, roughly half have success with it, and half fail (mildly to spectacularly).

We are very happily married, polyamorous by nature (and had a lengthy poly relationship), and have explored swinging and open relationship successfully for 14 years. We're presently in a monogamous phase for however long that suits us both.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MBH, just curious... What prompted the reversion to monogamy?

And no, that's not a loaded question at all. I'm genuinely just curious.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Well, Gus, it just feels like the thing to do at the moment. Finding a poly relationship is extraordinarily difficult if you want a long-term commited scenario - which is our preference - so we don't really look. If it happens, it will be serendipity. Swinging is fun, and the variety is great, but lately we're a little bored as it's so difficult to find quality partners who are both intellectually and physically stimulating. We want both or it's not really worth it. We're each other's best and favorite, so all we're missing is occasional novelty. The same is true of potential partners for an open relationship.

Anyway, there's nothing wrong with monogamy if you both want it, and right now we're just in that mindset. Maybe that will change again. It's all good - for us.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Well, Gus, it just feels like the thing to do at the moment. Finding a poly relationship is extraordinarily difficult if you want a long-term commited scenario - which is our preference - so we don't really look. If it happens, it will be serendipity. Swinging is fun, and the variety is great, but lately we're a little bored as it's so difficult to find quality partners who are both intellectually and physically stimulating. We want both or it's not really worth it. We're each other's best and favorite, so all we're missing is occasional novelty. The same is true of potential partners for an open relationship.
> 
> Anyway, there's nothing wrong with monogamy if you both want it, and right now we're just in that mindset. Maybe that will change again. It's all good - for us.


That is awesome! I'm glad you were able to experience what you have and still maintain a healthy marriage.
What made youndexide to do it and how nervous were you?
Also, did it in anyway enhance your relationship with your hubby?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Well, Gus, it just feels like the thing to do at the moment. Finding a poly relationship is extraordinarily difficult if you want a long-term commited scenario - which is our preference - so we don't really look. If it happens, it will be serendipity. Swinging is fun, and the variety is great, but lately we're a little bored as it's so difficult to find quality partners who are both intellectually and physically stimulating. We want both or it's not really worth it. We're each other's best and favorite, so all we're missing is occasional novelty. The same is true of potential partners for an open relationship.
> 
> Anyway, there's nothing wrong with monogamy if you both want it, and right now we're just in that mindset. Maybe that will change again. It's all good - for us.


Understood. And insightful. Thanks for sharing.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> That is awesome! I'm glad you were able to experience what you have and still maintain a healthy marriage.
> What made youndexide to do it and how nervous were you?
> Also, did it in anyway enhance your relationship with your hubby?


I believe, by the way, that MBH _is_ the hubby.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

My ex and I had a multi partner(sex wise) relationship and it worked well for us. Our relationship ended, but not because of our sex life.

I say go for it if you are interested in exploring that lifestyle. However, honesty about what you want is important with your future partner/s.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> What made youndexide to do it and how nervous were you?
> Also, did it in anyway enhance your relationship with your hubby?


When we first started dating, before we decided to be exclusive, we both met other people we wanted to continue seeing. (I'm the hubby BTW.) We were pretty sure we wanted to be primary with each other, and the people we'd met weren't looking for anything serious or permanent. It was originally her suggestion, and it sounded fine to me - remember, we both had poly inclinations all our lives that we'd never pursued, so it wasn't a big leap. It just took a little reflection to realize that here was an opportunity to see how it could work, if at all. It was a serendipitous situation that might never repeat.

So, all four of us got together and talked about having a poly relationship, decided how we'd arrange it, and established some minimal rules and boundaries. That arrangement continued nicely for about a year, around which time our secondaries met other people. Nearly 14 years later, they are still among our best friends. None of us have any regrets, and actually look at that period in our lives as one of the most satisfying.

It wasn't a big leap a few years later to talk about swinging, and that has worked well for us, too. We both like sexual variety and novelty, and this was a way to achieve that since it's so much harder to find a poly relationship. At first there was some nervousness, unlike the poly situation which felt very natural. She has no jealousy to speak of, while I had a mental adjustment to make to enjoy recreational sex without necessarily much emotional connection. It took some effort to readjust my thinking, but it was well worth it. I had some minor jealousy - not based in any fact or reality - that I was able to get over.

I would say that in our case, it has definitely enhanced our relationship. We had to communicate extensively and clearly to understand each other, deal with minor issues, and be sure we continued to want the same things. This brought us even closer together, and we really gave some thought to our relationship and priorities. Our own fantastic sex life also improved several-fold because we learned a lot of new things from different partners that we put to good use.


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## Finder (Aug 12, 2014)

So, how do you tell your kids about your swinging?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Finder said:


> So, how do you tell your kids about your swinging?


Why would you?

Look, swinging's not for everybody. Everybody has a different idea of what they want in a relationship, as well as sexually. What's good for them isn't necessarily good for you.

I'd be all for swinging with a girlfriend, however I know that that's not something I'd be interested in in marriage. *I* don't believe spouses are to be shared, but that's MY opinion. It doesn't mean that someone else's is wrong.

If you're a swinger and you have kids, there's no reason to tell them about what daddy and mommy do with their private time. Did your parents talk to you about their sex life?

Does it make somebody less of a parent if they're swingers? Do they love their kids any less? I don't get it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Thirty years ago I was on business trip and among the group there was young couple from NY. The wife had a crush on me and she came into my hotel room with obvious intent. I kissed her. She said stop and told me that she was going to ask her husband for permission. Shortly, she returned and we had pretty intense night. She and her husband had an open relationship because the married young.

A couple of years ago she popped up on Facebook. She wanted to feed a nostalgia hunger. This summer when I was in NY with my daughters, the youngest and I met her and her husband for dinner. Afterwards the husband got out his telescope and we observed Saturn in the summer sky. ONS lover and husband stayed together and raised two sons. I think he is doctor and she is a social worker. Clearly open marriages are possible. That was my only experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Yes - split up with ex-h for good this January and I decided to try things sexually I hadn't before including group situations, which has led me to make friends with swingers and poly-amorous folks and learn a lot about "the lifestyle." 

Currently I've got a handful of FWB situations and I am learning so much about myself: my boundaries, what I want, what I don't want, and how to express all that. I'm exploring tantra. I get to struggle with feelings that I am doing something wrong, that I'm being ****ty, feelings of jealousy about the idea that my FWB are seeing other people, etc and work through all that with compassion for myself. 

I am realizing how much I need emotional and mental connection, as well as sexual, and how vital communication is. I'm not done exploring yet - not ready to be exclusive with anyone yet, but in the end I would value a primary relationship with a man that includes all those things and I would be okay with him being the only one I share these things with on that level. But I would also be inclined, when we decided to be a primary couple, to keep open the possibility that at some point we may want to try any number of unconventional sexual things including bringing in other people. I don't think I would feel the NEED to do that or resent not having done it, but people being what they are, I would want to be open to the possibility. 

As Dan Savage says, marriage shouldn't be the end of your adventurous sexual life. Your spouse should be your partner in crime, sharing the adventure together.


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## Finder (Aug 12, 2014)

alexm said:


> Why would you?
> 
> Look, swinging's not for everybody. Everybody has a different idea of what they want in a relationship, as well as sexually. What's good for them isn't necessarily good for you.
> 
> ...


I guess by that logic infidelity shouldn't hurt kids and is none of their business, this is infidelity after all.
Having relationships with people other than your spouse means your energy and focus will be somewhere else while your kids are at home. Don't act like you can have a full relationship with some random person outside and still be completely attentive to your family. It's a ridiculous concept and doesn't make any sense for someone who has a family.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

The only thing I don't understand, and never will (and it's not a negative thing, it's just something I don't "get") is the need to have sex with other people, especially if the sex life with your spouse is good.

As said above in one of the replies, hubby is "the best" and the person who does the most for her sexually.

So why get it elsewhere?

Is it just the reliving, over and over, of the excitement of being seduced/doing the seducing? I know, and remember, that feeling (lol!) and it IS intoxicating. But I don't know, I'd feel as though I'm giving a part of myself to someone else, and not 100% to my partner.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Finder said:


> I guess by that logic infidelity shouldn't hurt kids and is none of their business, this is infidelity after all.
> Having relationships with people other than your spouse means your energy and focus will be somewhere else while your kids are at home. Don't act like you can have a full relationship with some random person outside and still be completely attentive to your family. It's a ridiculous concept and doesn't make any sense for someone who has a family.


It's been my observation that swingers mostly play together, not separately (i.e. they are all in the same room). But if they play separately, in successful situations, it's only with the full blessing of the partner at home and they aren't taking away anymore time or attention than they would if they had any other outside interests.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Finder said:


> I guess by that logic infidelity shouldn't hurt kids and is none of their business, this is infidelity after all.
> Having relationships with people other than your spouse means your energy and focus will be somewhere else while your kids are at home. Don't act like you can have a full relationship with some random person outside and still be completely attentive to your family. It's a ridiculous concept and doesn't make any sense for someone who has a family.


There is no evidence that people in open relationships are worse parents. Your visceral reaction is more about prejudice than fact. Produce some facts to back up your assertion. 

Being into golf or hunting also takes 'energy and focus' away while your kids are at home.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> I am wondering.
> For those who are divorced and into their second or third or what have you relationship.
> How many of you have become more open to the alternative sex lifestyle.
> 
> ...


There is a line in the John Updike book, Couples, which is about swinging couples. A woman says to her husband about another couple: 'Do you think they are the same stage as we are?' 

I think that it is relatively common for secure couples, with open communication to discuss this and think about it when they hit their late thirties and forties.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Interesting you bring this up, as me and the BF had this discussion the other night.

My sister is in a poly relationship with a married couple with one teenage child. She doens't technically live with them, but close enough, as she's ALWAYS at their house. The child knows about the relationship, and they introduce my sister as thier girlfriend to others (both the H and the W.) Personally I don't think I could go full poly, because I can barely keep up with the emotions surrounding one significant other, LOL!

But I would consider swinging. Haven't made my mind up yet. Not exactly sure where the BF is on it either, I think he is kinda on the same page as me......doesn't really know. Ultimately I doubt it will happen. But I can definitely see where having been married before (in a not so great marriage) has opened my mind up to the possibilities. I never would have considered it before.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Finder said:


> I guess by that logic infidelity shouldn't hurt kids and is none of their business, this is infidelity after all.
> Having relationships with people other than your spouse means your energy and focus will be somewhere else while your kids are at home. Don't act like you can have a full relationship with some random person outside and still be completely attentive to your family. It's a ridiculous concept and doesn't make any sense for someone who has a family.


By this "logic", any activity, hobby, or sport engaged in by yourself and/or your spouse without your kids or spouse means your energy and focus is somewhere else, infidelity or not. A couple can't go on a date or a vacation together either, in your view. That would be ridiculous and dysfunctional.

No-one is saying a full relationship is involved here (sometimes poly relationships may be an exception to this). You're assuming, but I don't know what.

Whether or not you agree with the above, many people no longer have kids at home, so that concern is irrelevant.


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## Finder (Aug 12, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> By this "logic", any activity, hobby, or sport engaged in by yourself and/or your spouse without your kids or spouse means your energy and focus is somewhere else, infidelity or not. A couple can't go on a date or a vacation together either, in your view. That would be ridiculous and dysfunctional.
> 
> No-one is saying a full relationship is involved here (sometimes poly relationships may be an exception to this). You're assuming, but I don't know what.
> 
> Whether or not you agree with the above, many people no longer have kids at home, so that concern is irrelevant.


There's a very big difference between normal activities and having another lover/relationship on the side.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Finder said:


> There's a very big difference between normal activities and having another lover/relationship on the side.


Who gets to decide what is 'normal'?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Finder said:


> There's a very big difference between normal activities and having another lover/relationship on the side.


It would be disingenuous to say that it isn't...but infidelity is called that in part because people do it in secret. If your partner is fully aware and has your blessing, it isn't cheating. 

And...emotions do have to be managed. Like I said, I have a few FWB situations going on and damn it if I don't like every single one of them. But it takes a lot of self-awareness to be able to distinguish between liking someone as a friend and being in love and a LOT of communication with your partner to manage your relationship around that. 

I'm like GA - I couldn't be polyamorous cuz one primary relationship would take a lot of my energy - but I think in a case like that, if I were to feel like I was falling in love with the person I was having recreational sex with, I would end it and focus all my energies on my primary partner.


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## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

Finder said:


> There's a very big difference between normal activities and having another lover/relationship on the side.


Me and the wife have never discussed this kind of stuff, and I really don't think either of us is interested, but...

I'll say that two couples in a LTR is a lot different than the oft-imagined cuckold thing (a wife with an affair the the husband tolerates, literally), going to clubs, or having a "girlfriend" to use, especially since it's done with care and concern. 

Actually, this kind of stuff goes on alot, and is actually more of a normal or healthy activity than many church groups, especially these days.

Some people will NEVER understand why healthy people are able to grasp the "It's just like shaking hands" analogy.


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## NorCalMan (Dec 14, 2011)

I know of several married folks that have a FWB with their spouses consent. It does not seem to take anything away from their marriage but rather enhances it. A friend of my wife said that her finding a FWB actually saved her marriage and they have never been happier.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

We don't share. But even if we were to, risk of STD is high and it probably automatically puts it into "not worth it" category.

I also think that it's hard enough maintaining/working on one relationship with one person. To add to that would simply be overwhelming (to say the least).

My take on it all is "less is more"

But that's just me


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