# I don't want my parents to ruin my marriage. What can I do?



## Marriedgirl27

Dear readers:

My husband and I have been together for 7 years, 5 out 7 years married. We are a young couple (27) and we have a 3 year old daughter. We purchased a home a year ago and started this amazing relationship with our neighbors (for some reason, the whole family is jealous about our relationship with them). We see our neighbors as family, because they are the type of people that are always there when you need them.

This family consists of two sisters (around 50 years old) their husbands, and the sisters elderly parents who are 80 years old. One of the sisters have 2 sons that are our age and they have a young cousin (girl) who is 20 something years old, she doesn't live next door, she lives with her boyfriend like 40 minutes away.

In one occasion, my uncle said to my husband "Don't have a relationship with you neighbors, you have a young, good looking wife, you never know what could happen" My husband didn't pay much attention because he trusts me the same way i trust him.

I can live with my family gossiping, but now my own parents are telling me, to control and watch my husband closely, to never leave him alone, that she is going to cheat on me with this girl. And they tell him too, they insinuate that he is going to cheat on me.

We are getting tired of this, my husband is affraid that this gossip is going to affect our marriage, in the 7 years that we've been together i have never been worried about him cheating, he has always respected me, he would never go out without me, even though we are young he has never looked at any other girl that way. He doesn't even care about this girl, they dont really talk other than "Hello". My husband is very upset because he sees my parents as his parents, and he says he cannot believe that at this point in our marriage, 7 years later my parents are pulling this and don't trust him.

What do i do in a situation like this?

Thank you.


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## Yeswecan

If I was the H I would gather all together or at the next gather of the family and advise the gossip needs to stop. Unless of their gut feeling is telling something.


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## threelittlestars

Hey, I want to caution you it is rather risky to get TOO entangled with neighbors. Although it is wonderful to have friends and neighbors who you can count on I just want to say that first,

1) Should anything bad happen you are stuck living next to someone you have strong/negative feelings for. 
2) It does open a door for affairs. Hell, my mother married the Neighbor (my father) neither at first would have considered it but after time... (dot dot dot) 

3) your parents may see the potential and make outlandish assumptions but they (ARE) being friends of the marriage. 

I was getting married about 13 years ago and I had an old friend who was stopping by a lot and chatting, he wanted to watch movies with me, etc. I was just friends with him, Innocent on my side. my mom saw this as I lived in an apt on the property. She warned me that I was getting awful close considering I was getting married. I blew it off and thought my mom was crazy. 6 years later the old friend admitted deep deep long standing suffering love for me and i called him out and asked why he had not made it clear before. Why now when i was married (not that it would have made a difference) he claimed that he tried by spending all that time with me to show me that he wanted to stop my marriage. 

My mom saw what i could not see.... 

Good luck,


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## Akfranklin2014

I agree with Yeswecan. Get them all together and let them know you won't tolerate the gossip. And it needs to be both of you together. Your family needs to know the two of you are a united front and on the same page. Unless there is truth to their words and they have some kind of proof that he might do something (which I doubt they do) then they need to stop. If they decide not to, let them know the next step is no contact. A lot of time if you confront people they will either feel embarrassed about the talk or they will decide it's not worth losing you for. 


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## Marriedgirl27

I think that if my husband was going to cheat on me, he would cheat on me with some other girl in some other place, not with someone next door.


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## Cletus

Tell your parents to piss up a rope.

If they want to continue to see you and their grandchildren, they will have to be more respectful of your life choices. 

The only control you have over your parents is your presence in their lives.


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## FalCod

I'd toss a dung bomb into the room to reset the conversation. Burst out with something like "Just because you each cheated on each other, it doesn't mean that H and I will."


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## NextTimeAround

I have similar problems with my parents.

the only solution that I could find was to give them less and less info about my life and my relationships with other people.

I also decided that if I ever found out that a friend was in contact with my parents that I would drop them.

People who do not have an appreciation for boundaries are not going to honor any request that you make.


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## Yeswecan

threelittlestars said:


> 3) your parents may see the potential and make outlandish assumptions but they (ARE) being friends of the marriage.
> 
> I was getting married about 13 years ago and I had an old friend who was stopping by a lot and chatting, he wanted to watch movies with me, etc. I was just friends with him, Innocent on my side. my mom saw this as I lived in an apt on the property. She warned me that I was getting awful close considering I was getting married. I blew it off and thought my mom was crazy. 6 years later the old friend admitted deep deep long standing suffering love for me and i called him out and asked why he had not made it clear before. Why now when i was married (not that it would have made a difference) he claimed that he tried by spending all that time with me to show me that he wanted to stop my marriage.
> 
> My mom saw what i could not see....


Your folks maybe seeing something you are not. Gut feeling.


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## Marriedgirl27

Thank you, someone else at work told me to draw a line between my parents and my family now which is my husband and daughter, and to not give them any information and to not talk about our neighbors with them. It is going to be hard because i am very close to my parents, but they are getting too involved in my marriage.


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## Yeswecan

Marriedgirl27 said:


> I think that if my husband was going to cheat on me, he would cheat on me with some other girl in some other place, not with someone next door.


One would think. Others will tell you some outlandish stories(true) with their marriage and infidelity. I never put anything past anyone.


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## Yeswecan

Marriedgirl27 said:


> Thank you, someone else at work told me to draw a line between my parents and my family now which is my husband and daughter, and to not give them any information and to not talk about our neighbors with them. It is going to be hard because i am very close to my parents, but they are getting too involved in my marriage.


Don't stop communicating. Start communicating!! Tell them the gossip needs to stop!


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## NextTimeAround

Marriedgirl27 said:


> Thank you, someone else at work told me to draw a line between my parents and my family now which is my husband and daughter, and to not give them any information and to not talk about our neighbors with them. It is going to be hard because i am very close to my parents, but they are getting too involved in my marriage.


It was hard for me too. But this problem is very common. I remember a friend telling me that she would drop anyone if she found out that they were contacting her parents. At the time she said, I wasn't ready for it. You do need to be confident and not so desperate for friends that you let people walk over you.

People will tell you that you can't control who other people are friends with, this is true. But being friends with your parents is not oxygen. People will have to learn that they cannot be friends both with you and your parents.

I bet with these same people if you started getting chummy with their parents, you will most definitely see some change in the way handle things with you.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

threelittlestars said:


> Hey, I want to caution you it is rather risky to get TOO entangled with neighbors. Although it is wonderful to have friends and neighbors who you can count on I just want to say that first,
> 
> 1) Should anything bad happen you are stuck living next to someone you have strong/negative feelings for.
> 2) It does open a door for affairs. Hell, my mother married the Neighbor (my father) neither at first would have considered it but after time... (dot dot dot)
> 
> 3) your parents may see the potential and make outlandish assumptions but they (ARE) being friends of the marriage.
> 
> I was getting married about 13 years ago and I had an old friend who was stopping by a lot and chatting, he wanted to watch movies with me, etc. I was just friends with him, Innocent on my side. my mom saw this as I lived in an apt on the property. She warned me that I was getting awful close considering I was getting married. I blew it off and thought my mom was crazy. 6 years later the old friend admitted deep deep long standing suffering love for me and i called him out and asked why he had not made it clear before. Why now when i was married (not that it would have made a difference) he claimed that he tried by spending all that time with me to show me that he wanted to stop my marriage.
> 
> My mom saw what i could not see....
> 
> Good luck,


While I understand this may be more parental concern and laced with nothing but good intentions, personally, I would't see it as being a friend to the marriage.

If my inlaws were to imply that I was somehow not capable of managing my relationships, and far worse, insinuate that I could somehow be drawn into an adulterous relationship, I would tell them to take their insinuation and instruct them exactly where they could shove it. End of discussion. 

And if my parents were to insinuate this about my wife, that would be the end of visits/time with grandkids until they proved they could be more respectful of her. End of discussion. 

Of course, with regard to the OP, this assumes there are no other negative indicators present. If not, I would be totally hard line about this. @Cletus said it most succinctly: "Tell your parents to piss up a rope."


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## GusPolinski

Marriedgirl27 said:


> Dear readers:
> 
> My husband and I have been together for 7 years, 5 out 7 years married. We are a young couple (27) and we have a 3 year old daughter. We purchased a home a year ago and started this amazing relationship with our neighbors (for some reason, the whole family is jealous about our relationship with them). We see our neighbors as family, because they are the type of people that are always there when you need them.
> 
> This family consists of two sisters (around 50 years old) their husbands, and the sisters elderly parents who are 80 years old. One of the sisters have 2 sons that are our age and they have a young cousin (girl) who is 20 something years old, she doesn't live next door, she lives with her boyfriend like 40 minutes away.
> 
> In one occasion, my uncle said to my husband "Don't have a relationship with you neighbors, you have a young, good looking wife, you never know what could happen" My husband didn't pay much attention because he trusts me the same way i trust him.
> 
> I can live with my family gossiping, but now my own parents are telling me, to control and watch my husband closely, to never leave him alone, that she is going to cheat on me with this girl. And they tell him too, they insinuate that he is going to cheat on me.
> 
> We are getting tired of this, my husband is affraid that this gossip is going to affect our marriage, in the 7 years that we've been together i have never been worried about him cheating, he has always respected me, he would never go out without me, even though we are young he has never looked at any other girl that way. He doesn't even care about this girl, they dont really talk other than "Hello". My husband is very upset because he sees my parents as his parents, and he says he cannot believe that at this point in our marriage, 7 years later my parents are pulling this and don't trust him.
> 
> *What do i do in a situation like this?*
> 
> Thank you.


Listen to your families, and understand that they’re telling you what they’re telling you out of their collective experience.

In short, you can be friendly while having and keeping good boundaries and maintaining a healthy level of vigilance.

Simultaneously, ensure your families that everything is good and, while you appreciate their concerns, everything is above board and nothing inappropriate is going on.

So do that.


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## Diana7

How is it that your family know so much about what is going on in your life? Is it because you see them so much or tell them everything? If so then maybe don't share all the details with them.


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## BioFury

Marriedgirl27 said:


> Dear readers:
> 
> My husband and I have been together for 7 years, 5 out 7 years married. We are a young couple (27) and we have a 3 year old daughter. We purchased a home a year ago and started this amazing relationship with our neighbors (for some reason, the whole family is jealous about our relationship with them). We see our neighbors as family, because they are the type of people that are always there when you need them.
> 
> This family consists of two sisters (around 50 years old) their husbands, and the sisters elderly parents who are 80 years old. One of the sisters have 2 sons that are our age and they have a young cousin (girl) who is 20 something years old, she doesn't live next door, she lives with her boyfriend like 40 minutes away.
> 
> In one occasion, my uncle said to my husband "Don't have a relationship with you neighbors, you have a young, good looking wife, you never know what could happen" My husband didn't pay much attention because he trusts me the same way i trust him.
> 
> I can live with my family gossiping, but now my own parents are telling me, to control and watch my husband closely, to never leave him alone, that she is going to cheat on me with this girl. And they tell him too, they insinuate that he is going to cheat on me.
> 
> We are getting tired of this, my husband is affraid that this gossip is going to affect our marriage, in the 7 years that we've been together i have never been worried about him cheating, he has always respected me, he would never go out without me, even though we are young he has never looked at any other girl that way. He doesn't even care about this girl, they dont really talk other than "Hello". My husband is very upset because he sees my parents as his parents, and he says he cannot believe that at this point in our marriage, 7 years later my parents are pulling this and don't trust him.
> 
> What do i do in a situation like this?
> 
> Thank you.


Being friends with a member of the opposite sex who is around your age +/- 15 years is not a good idea. Most affairs occur with a friend, so not having friends of the age and sex already mentioned will almost entirely remove the opportunity for said friendship to become something more. You and your husband sound like you have a perfectly healthy relationship. But that's no reason to put both of you into circumstances that may prove dangerous at some point in the future.

Living in a safe neighborhood doesn't mean you leave your doors unlocked.


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## chillymorn69

I would caution that you could trust to blindly.

Most people that are victims of infidelity would also say they can't believe that their spouce cgeated on them.

Just sayin.


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## NextTimeAround

I have read stories of the neighbor having an affair with one's spouse in other places than TAM.


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## Marriedgirl27

Thank you everyone for your answers. I would like to add that we dont see this girl often, she lives with her boyfriend 40 mins away from us. We are not friends with her, and my husband doesn't talk to her, only like "hello, goodbye" we have met her boyfriend before who is a nice guy, i have her on Facebook, my husband does not.

I spoke to him today, he said that he would never risk our wonderful marriage and he would never risk our daughter, that he does not only love me, but he is very attracted to me. Honestly, our relationship and sexual life hasn't changed at all, i can see he is still crazy about me in every way.

We had a conversation and we believe all this rumors, gossip and fear from my parents might be because my cousin cheated on his wife after 25 years of marriage 3 weeks ago.

A person asked why my parents know so much about our neighbors, my parents are very much involved in my life and marriage, i tell my mom everything, but i think I am finally realizing that i need to set some boundaries and not give them so much information about my life and the people that i socialize with.


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## Akfranklin2014

Marriedgirl27 said:


> I think that if my husband was going to cheat on me, he would cheat on me with some other girl in some other place, not with someone next door.




This is the biggest wrong assumption you could ever make. Never assume something like this. I thought this same thing but my ex chose my best friend.


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## Cletus

By all means, take your family off to live in a cave somewhere, cut off all contact with humanity, and thereby insulate yourself against even the remotest possibility of impropriety. 

It's the only way to be safe.


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## threelittlestars

Cletus said:


> By all means, take your family off to live in a cave somewhere, cut off all contact with humanity, and thereby insulate yourself against even the remotest possibility of impropriety.
> 
> It's the only way to be safe.


Nah, none of us are saying that. Just dont want her to be Naive. Many of us here were at some point. 

And cheating with the good friend neighbor is COMMON...like SUPER common. My mother and father were both married to different people and were neighbors.... And well... Look how that turned out. 

It's a matter of DONT THINK IT CANT HAPPEN TO YOU. Don't also live in fear. Husband has likely NOT cheated. But who is to say that he wouldn't have later, or down the line. Many, myself included just want to make sure she is not in la la land where her husband could never.... (etc)


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## Openminded

Marriedgirl27 said:


> I think that if my husband was going to cheat on me, he would cheat on me with some other girl in some other place, not with someone next door.


That would be a very wrong assumption. Opportunity is everything. When I was your age I believed there was no possible way my husband would ever cheat on me. I learned differently. 

Never think you know for sure what someone else will do.


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## NextTimeAround

threelittlestars said:


> Nah, none of us are saying that. Just dont want her to be Naive. Many of us here were at some point.
> 
> And cheating with the good friend neighbor is COMMON...like SUPER common. My mother and father were both married to different people and were neighbors.... And well... Look how that turned out.
> 
> It's a matter of DONT THINK IT CANT HAPPEN TO YOU. Don't also live in fear. Husband has likely NOT cheated. But who is to say that he wouldn't have later, or down the line. Many, myself included just want to make sure she is not in la la land where her husband could never.... (etc)


Let's put it this way, if
1. I saw my husband getting too chummy with the neighbor
2. I felt that things were adding up

and so on, my opinion would run to affair. I don't have time anymore for a "3 strikes you're out" mentality.


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## Diana7

Marriedgirl27 said:


> Thank you everyone for your answers. I would like to add that we dont see this girl often, she lives with her boyfriend 40 mins away from us. We are not friends with her, and my husband doesn't talk to her, only like "hello, goodbye" we have met her boyfriend before who is a nice guy, i have her on Facebook, my husband does not.
> 
> I spoke to him today, he said that he would never risk our wonderful marriage and he would never risk our daughter, that he does not only love me, but he is very attracted to me. Honestly, our relationship and sexual life hasn't changed at all, i can see he is still crazy about me in every way.
> 
> We had a conversation and we believe all this rumors, gossip and fear from my parents might be because my cousin cheated on his wife after 25 years of marriage 3 weeks ago.
> 
> A person asked why my parents know so much about our neighbors, my parents are very much involved in my life and marriage, i tell my mom everything, but i think I am finally realizing that i need to set some boundaries and not give them so much information about my life and the people that i socialize with.


yes it maybe time to cut those apron strings.


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## Cletus

threelittlestars said:


> Nah, none of us are saying that. Just dont want her to be Naive. Many of us here were at some point.
> 
> And cheating with the good friend neighbor is COMMON...like SUPER common. My mother and father were both married to different people and were neighbors.... And well... Look how that turned out.


But there will always be Targets of Opportunity. If your spouse either through a flaw of character or an untenable situation is in a position to cheat, then unless he's working on an oil derrick in the Gulf of Mexico there will be opportunities.

Losing the chance for a deep and meaningful relationship with the people next door - and I view that as a good thing, overall - in perennial fear of a possible affair is to cut yourself off from that benefit for very little real gain. 

Affairs happen with the neighbors, at work, at the gym, at the coffee shop...
You can't eliminate them all without doing what I suggested, and eliminating them all makes for a pretty hollow existence.


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## NextTimeAround

Cletus said:


> But there will always be Targets of Opportunity. If your spouse either through a flaw of character or an untenable situation is in a position to cheat, then unless he's working on an oil derrick in the Gulf of Mexico there will be opportunities.
> 
> Losing the chance for a deep and meaningful relationship with the people next door - and I view that as a good thing, overall - in perennial fear of a possible affair is to cut yourself off from that benefit for very little real gain.
> 
> Affairs happen with the neighbors, at work, at the gym, at the coffee shop...
> *You can't eliminate them all without doing what I suggested, and eliminating them all makes for a pretty hollow existence.*


I've learned to trust people less and less. And my life has become easier.


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## Vinnydee

Do what we did. We made our own arrangements with the church, had a house party afterwards and then took off for our honeymoon halfway through the party. Not a traditional Italian Wedding at all. We were getting stressed out by both of our parents about who do invite and not invite. Where to have it to impress others, etc..

We cancelled everything and did it our way. The cheapest wedding in our entire family who each had to outdo each other even if they get a second mortgage. Yet, we are the only ones who never divorced in the family. Guess what? With the money we saved on not having a big expensive wedding and honeymoon we were able to afford a new house the next year. I was 21 when I bought the first of what was to be 9 houses. All of our friends had memories of their wedding, or at least what they could remember since they were so drunk or stoned during it, while living in low rent apartments living paycheck to paycheck. They did not buy homes until their were in their 30's. They all were divorced at least once too.


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## Machjo

My mother in law had assumed that Western men are cheaters and even told me to my face that I should respect her daughter. I just kindly reassured her that I understood what she was saying and all is fine now, though granted we live 12 times zones away from one another half the year and 11 times zones the other half.


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## Blondilocks

Your parents might be jealous of your relationship with the neighbors and are using the possibility of 'cheating' as a cover. Ask them if they feel threatened by your friendships with these older people.


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