# Our struggle. Wife moved away, advice?



## JonDoe (Feb 6, 2014)

Hello,

My wife and have been married for roughly 8 months now. We met and quickly became best friends, and got married shortly thereafter.

She is and always has been devoted to God, and as thus he always comes first. I, on the other hand, have an agnostic view on the whole god thing. If he exists, so be it, if not, so be it. I never tried to pull her away from her beliefs or said a single negative thing about god or religion. I attended church with her whenever she did, and came to her sunday school class when she was teaching and she invited me. 

Throughout our dating, she broke up with me after some time because I did not know god, and it hurt her. At this point, I had a decision to either let my best friend leave forever, or learn what god was. I picked up the bible she bought for me awhile back and started reading. To be honest, (and no offense to the followers of god) I did not believe the happenings in the bible to make scene, or be any type of believable. Constant contradictions, mass murder, resurrection, ect. On the other hand, I have seen many good things people have done "in the name of god", and the general morals the bible teaches I agree with. Don't murder, don't steal, be nice, give and receive, and so on. 

I decide to tell her that I will follow god, and we re-unite, eventually marrying. We decide to take time off work together as newly weds and simply spend time with one another for awhile. 

Fast forward 6 months

We constantly argue throughout our marriage. One of our main issues is money. I pay rent on our apartment, pay bills excluding her phone bill, and buy groceries with the money I earned. She uses her funds to constantly purchase clothing, shoes, ect. Occasionally she will purchase some groceries, as long as it has the addition of several unhealthy treats and snacks. She pushes very hard for us to get joint bank accounts, but I am very apprehensive about it because I simply don't trust her spending decisions. I have brought this up with her on many occasions, but am quickly dismissed. She will tell me that she earned this money, she gets to spend it. After which she will tell me that my money is her money, because we are married. 

She will complain about her gaining weight recently, but continue to eat ice cream for breakfast. I tell her that we are both out of shape, and should exercise together. This works a few times, and quickly stops. She will argue with me when I suggest exercising that night, but if we actually get to doing it, she thanks me for pushing and encouraging her to be more healthy. 

This goes for meals as well. I cook, and cook well. When I do, I will make a healthy balanced meal. Occasionally when she cooks, she will make something from a box, and usually only a portion for herself. She is very capable of cooking, and quite well, but chooses to take the easy (and unhealthy) way out. I am by no means a health nut, but I can make the connection between eating better and losing weight taking some effort. 

We had an explosive argument around Christmas. I tell her that I don't believe in God. I honestly tried, and put much effort into learning about faith and God. I've read the bible cover to cover, went to church, and read other books/literature arguing gods case. This argument has her shoving religion down my throat. She forces me to read the bible, is extremely angry with me (and rightly so, to an extent), and shows no affection. I sleep on the couch for two weeks while this keeps up. She leaves to visit her family across Canada for christmas. We had decided to drive there together, saving roughly $1900 by driving alone. Instead, she purchases a plane ticket for herself, for roughly $1300. 

She phones me every day she is there in tears, essentially begging me to fly out. I, too, at this point, and displeased with the situation, and resist initially, but then tell her that I too will come. I fly out, we spend Christmas with her family, and have a good time together as if nothing had happened.

We return home, and two days later, it all comes back. We argue and degrade each other, and I ask her to leave. The only way I can see at this point to fix our problem is to separate. She packs her car, and drives back to her parents house (30h drive).

She reaches her destination. I dreadfully regret my decision, as I am sure most husbands would. She suggests counseling, and I ask her to return. At first I am against counseling, but agreed to it upon her return. She tells me that she doesn't trust me, and is listening to god now, like she should of been the whole time. God will tell her what to do.

A month passes. I ask her repetitively to come home and we can figure this all out. She, in this time, has found herself employment, got her own apartment, and states that if I want to make it work, I have to move over there.

I think this is very unreasonable. She has always been one to always get her way, but this is too far.. Additionally, she tells me that all her purchases have been on her credit card, and she has maxed it out. On top of her student loans that she can no longer pay, she now has $10000 credit card debt, on top of car insurance, food, ect. 

She asks me to send her $4000 so she can pay bills and rent. I refuse. 

I'm at a loss. She will not return home. I will not uproot the home we built together to move out yonder. We both have messed up huge. Give me your two cents.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... You got married to someone you really didn't know, you lied to her about something that you knew was important to you, and the two of you can't maturely deal with your issues. 

I'd go silent on her. She knows where you live if she wants to come back and try again. I'd ignore any demands/requests for money.

C


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Do the 180. Go silent. Do not send her a dime. Let God take care of her.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

God just gave you the perfect opportunity to walk away from your marriage.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Honestly, you shouldn't have married her in the first place. 

If you don't believe, then that's your perogative and she shouldn't be shoveling her beliefs down your throat. 

One other thing. You should have let her know a while ago that your money is her money but HER MONEY IS YOUR MONEY TOO and for her to be spending all her money on herself while you pick up the tab for everything else, then guess whose fault is that?

If it was me, I would tell her to stay where she is and get on with her life because friend, this ain't gonna work.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Do you honestly want to support her delusions? 
Sure she wants you to move where she is, so that she can have your input into her "stable" life. 
You don't say how old she is but it sounds like she is at the age where a lot of people have psychotic breaks and other major mental health issues. If you go out there you'll only be prolonging the inevitable. She doesn't sound healthy. Initially she might have talked a good story, it sounds like you really went the distance to try to meet her more than halfway. Now you will be 100% consumed with not only her, but making good on her finances, and you'll be totally dependent on fitting yourself into all the decisions she's already made in the new location.

I think you should file for divorce, and hope that you can get one while she's in another location (another state?) Since you haven't been married all that long, chances are the court will assign her debts to her, and yours to you and not award her alimony or anything like that. 

One other reason for staying away - babies. That would give her the ultimate excuse for not being able to manage her finances and for keeping you on the hook one way or the other. Just stay away. 

If it's meant to be, let HER come back to YOU when she has her life in order and is ready for a relationship that doesn't involve her invoking God, etc. as a way of bringing you down. I'm not religious, but that sounds really underhanded. You were honest about it, and honestly, if someone really thinks that their spouse needs to be a believer as much as they do, they haven't read the gospel of Paul. Which even as a nonreligious person, I studied in college (as a literary/historical work.) 

Honestly, she could have stayed somewhere close, she created some kind of strange situation where if was either with you or with her family. Her family has probably had enough of her, so now she is turning to you? Let her family deal with her.

If you're smart, you'll lock up your credit. Get a credit monitoring service and put a hold on any new credit. Also make sure that she doesn't file a tax return without you and grab any return that's due (but pretty much you can kiss your tax return goodbye...because she will and there's not much you'll be able to do about it without tons of paperwork, etc.)


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## JonDoe (Feb 6, 2014)

I appreciate the varied comments from other angles. I would love to make this marriage work.. I still love the woman, , , but it's pretty clear that the only way to salvage this is to move to her.. which isn't going to happen. 

She tells me she doesn't want a divorce. When is it time to get a divorce lawyer?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Now.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Yes, it is time... sorry. 
And do not bail her out; save your $4k for your retainer.


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## JonDoe (Feb 6, 2014)

Thank you all for your input. Massive learning experience I suppose.(costly too). Love made me pretty stupid I suppose. Good luck to all those going through similar scenarios.


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