# Tell me what I already know.



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

So even those of us who are usually level headed need confirmation they are on the right track.

I'm struggling with what I think is right and second guessing myself. I know this is a repeat for some of you - maybe I need the 2x4!

Met guy on match 9 years ago, two good dates but no chemistry so I broke it off. He saw me on match a year or two later and called. Said he hadn't had so much fun as our last date and what about going bowling. We had a blast and were friends for years during which time I was probably 45 pounds overweight. Giving advice on dating, hanging out, even spent the night at his place after a late night of scrabble. Eventually we go on a long weekend trip together. One thing led to another and we had sex. At this point I'm about 90 pounds over weight.

To him sex = commitment. He assumes he is now 'boyfriend' and it's comfortable for me so I'm giving this budding romance with my OSF a shot. Suddenly he breaks it off (in email nonetheless) saying it's awful of him, he feels he took advantage of the situation, he doesn't really have *those* feelings for me. 

So I went NC for a while - told him I couldn't go back to just friends YET, I was hurt by his sudden change of heart but OK, moving on. 

So we dated other people and gradually got back to friend status and after a couple years hung out and it wasn't awkward - just comfortable. No sparks (just like before) but a close companionable friendship. We have an honest talk and he said he didn't want to hurt my feelings but my weight was a problem for him attraction-wise. Ouch but OK, that's honest. I ask I've been here long enough to get it. He gets into a relationship that he feels really good about - really clicks. Less contact because he has good boundaries and I get it. We keep in touch every few months but that's it. He moves in with her and puts his house on the market. He starts calling with relationship trouble for advice (she's nuts y'all - likely bipolar, has drinking problem and can't keep a job he has discovered). Meanwhile during those four years or so, the last one I spent improving me - my health was the reason; there were a few issues. I dropped 56 pounds and got healthy - still not thin but much happier with myself. 

His house sells and he breaks up with the girl. Around this time my Dad dies and exercise and eating have taken a back seat with long hours at the hospital for a month, helping Mom, stress about managing everything I have to now. Gain about 40 back - back to about the weight I was when we first met. I help him move, help with his new house DIY stuff. He helps fix my daughter's car - it's all great and happy. We can spend all day together working on stuff happily. He's amazingly handy and knowledgeable and is also writing a whodunit - so he's handy AND super literate.

After a day of work and happy banter, he asks if I think we are compatible. (Where is this going?) Eventually he says his prior relationship he realized was like a high school romance - spark and drama then fizzled. I said I thought he wasn't attracted to me? He said things change and shrugged. He said he'd like to introduce me as his girlfriend at the superbowl party we were going ot attend. I felt put on the spot and confused and I said OK, he gave me a quick kiss and hug and I went home.

Our main differences: he's a non-drinker because he just doesn't like it but doesn't mind my having one. He likes superhero movies, I don't but he has a male buddy he sees that stuff with. He has a dorky sense of humor but I don't laugh at the stupid stuff. He's jovial and I'm more stoic. I prefer witty humor but his sense of humor usually doesn't bother me. He's more conservative than I am but he's also very easy going - doesn't press his views on anyone. He made it clear up front no oral - give or receive. His loss. I can live without it as long as sex is good in general. I'm not sure it will be/is/can be. I'm not sure it matters to me anymore. On the other hand, maybe it does. He's pretty tame/mild. 

So that's the backstory - he's what I'm struggling with. I know he wants more than I can give right now but he has been very patient. I'm not needy. He called every day and frankly, I don't have time for that. I got to where I was annoyed and wouldn't answer. And call him back the next day with my reason "sorry, weeding/mowing/dinner" or whatever. Really, I have stuff to DO. My teen is going through a MAJOR transition - NC with her narc father so she's with me 100% now, she's struggling at school, smoking... and my Dad died less than a year ago and I still need to visit mom at least once a month and help with her repairs, etc. - she makes me a list.  

He knew I had a big day of yard stuff to do Saturday and suggested he could come over (he lives 45 minutes away) and frankly I didn't want to. I wanted to shower and take ibuprofen and curl up in my robe and watch TV. ALONE. I didn't want to snuggle, didn't want conversation, didn't want to have to take his TV/movie preferences into consideration.

I know I'm doing this push/pull thing with him and he has been very patient. He doesn't press me for anything. I did sit him down and asked him directly about the weight. Was he settling? Did he just get tired of the dating game and here I was? And that I would wonder any time he couldn't "perform" I'd wonder if he was turned off. He just said "wow." During our few times he did have ED and he just said "hey, sometimes it happens" and I totally get it. It might NOT have been his reaction to me physically. Or maybe it was since two years later he said weight was an issue. Now it's not? I'm not sure I buy it. I already worry that what I've put on is an issue. I want to loose it but I don't want to loose it for him. 

Is he really into me and realizes I was right there all along? Or is he just tired of looking and knows we'll make great front porch rocking-chair buddies?

Will I be able to get over his weight comment? Every instance of ED will make me wonder. Before that I never worried. It DOES just randomly happen and with other partners I've understood and it's no big deal. But with him, I will wonder.

Am I the one settling? I'm 48 this month. He's reliable, honest, handy, kind, nice to my daughter (but doesn't know how to relate), doesn't yell, curse, drink or have temper issues. He's hard working and smart with money. We'd never argue about money, vacations, religion. I've met his parents (nice couple) he met my mom/sis. He's willing to come help them any time. He's a take charge guy without being an azz about it. He's a leader in a calm, logical way.

The fact my daughter is suddenly with me all of the time does cause a bit of an issue. I don't want to stay at his house nor do I want him staying there. No sex yet at all. A brief kissing session but the rest of the time it's hugs and quick pecks hello and goodbye. He and my Dad were a lot alike. Because I'm still grieving, I'm afraid I'm looking for a replacement. On the other hand, I do get so weary of doing everything. Being with him would be so easy and nice. We complement each other so well.

It's kind of like when you read a resume and the person is PERFECT. But then you do the interview and while everything on the resume is accurate, you are still left not 100% sure you want to hire them.

I feel like I need to tell him that I can't really be a girlfriend right now or that our relationship needs to be on the back burner. My daughter is home 100% of the time (friends stay over but overnights at other friends homes are rare - usually my house is the teen gathering spot) and will be a senior next year - it's not going to change for another 18 months. He has a year of renovations to his fixer upper. I love my house in the suburbs - he likes a little more space but he's asking my advice on everything. I've picked out furniture, flooring, tile, etc. I could be happy there. I feel a little numb and confused. Timing is off - this is a big transitional period for me with new role at work, my daughter needs my attention more than him and Mom is still adjusting to being a widow.

So just back-burner this relationship with these valid reasons and just keep it easy in the early stages or should I make a clean break and stick to frienship? Either way I just don't have the time for a relationship right now.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

I think you have too many reservations and concerns to go forward into a romantic relationship with him. There appear to be no sparks - don't you want sparks? I'd worry that after a time one of you would find someone that you'd have sparks with and then your relationship would be in trouble.

I think you want to have no doubts that your partner is attracted to you, can't keep his hands off you, needs to be with you all the time, and you want to feel the same about him. Without that, what's the point? Why not just be friends?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I would keep this one in the friend zone. After everything you went thru you deserve some spark and a relationship where you are not second guessing yourself.

I would concentrate on my daughter right now, because soon she will be leaving the house. You are still grieving your dad, so that will take time to move on from and the pain will lessen with time. Take some time to be with you and enjoy the new you for a while. In the mean time try just dating and enjoying that. 

You need sparks...live is so boring without it.

http://images.forwallpaper.com/files/images/a/a062/a0623842/241532/fairydust.jpg


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Yeah, seems like you both are settling. The physical attraction should be off the charts, for both of you. I don't get the impression you are totally into this guy either?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think what is making you feel conflicted is his sudden push to ramp up the relationship, especially since he has been hot and cold in the past.

As friends you are happy and content with him and with yourself, now he wants more and more. You start questioning yourself; "why am I not falling in love with this great guy? Why would I rather sit home alone and relax than get together with him?" 

The reason is the spark just isn't there for you, it doesn't have to be right or wrong, it's just the way things have panned out with the guy. 

Personally I don't think settling for a ho hum relationship is the wrong thing to do, I would rather be alone and happy doing what I want when I want. At our ages we only have so much energy to use every day, why waste any of it on something you're not passionate about? Like him.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I agree with the rest. You just are not into this guy.

I fail to see how you do not have time for him as a lover, but still have time for him as a friend? Make sure that you are absolutely 100% clear to him that this will be a friendship only and nothing more. Guys do not drive 45 minutes to help a friend with yard work. Yes, he might not be expecting sex for that, but he was emotionally attached or getting attached.

IMO, the weight and ED may be somewhat related, but it is not weight alone that is causing his ED. 

BTW the "valid reasons" are excuses you are coming up with because you are not into this guy.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

For the right man, your weight would not be an issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

My advice is the same as the others. Keep this man in the friend zone. You are obviously not into him, because if you were, you wouldn't be able to stand being apart, nor would you be doing all of this questioning. To be with him would mean you are "settling", and I get the feeling he would be doing the same thing in "his" mind. He said something, and did something, years ago that hurt you to the core, and for that I think your reservations are very well founded.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I think if any guy mentioned something about my weight he would be friend-zoned forever. Once hubby mentioned something a few months after I had twins (I weighed more nursing them than pregnant with them) and he almost got friend-zoned forever.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

This is not the guy for you. Friendzone. 
Do not be afraid because you are 48 years old. Are you a sexual person? No oral? No sex yet?

Nope.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I know. I don't know why someone needed to tell me. I always give people a second chance but he already got his. I knew there wasn't chemistry when we first met. I gave him another shot and he blew it. I don't think I'll loose his friendship over this. But he IS the guy who will drive 45 minutes to help a friend move, work in the yard, etc. He's "a nice guy" but without being able to walk all over him. I have helped him with his remodeling and yard work - sometimes if I don't have anything to do but sit at home and no money to go out, hanging with a friend doing something, even WORK, is fun.

I guess I'm afraid I won't ever find anyone. On the other hand if I hook up with him I'm afraid that's when I'll find someone. Maybe just being OK being single the rest of my life is enough (and I'm 99% there). And if someone comes along that's great. @blueinbr the way I have time as a friend and not a lover is I don't want to have sex and leave. If our relationship gets physical/serious, I would have to devote more time and that means sacrificing time with a teen that needs supervision or having him at my house which is awkward.

So I've been helping out at his house, saying I need to get home and going. He did put his arms around me once when I was cold and said he could fix that and I said we weren't picking right back up where we left off. 

I'm missing the meetup stuff I was doing before Dad got sick. And then so much was up in the air (was mom selling house, etc.?) that I focused on other things. I'd like to get back to that. I guess I really knew when I was invited to a friend's birthday dinner at a restaurant and the 'right' thing to do would be to ask him to join. I ended up cancelling anyway due to kid issues but I should have wanted to take him with me.

Now how/when to tell him. We are going to my mom's and helping with some heavier work and in exchange I'm helping him Sunday at his house. I wish I hadn't. But there are a few things I need him for there.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

And no, I'm not totally into him. I'm trying to talk myself into it because it's sensible and safe. But there are things that i know would drive me nuts. I even asked my mother how important is chemistry and she said "very!" - that's coming from a 76y/o widow!

I have been in relationships where I wanted to kiss and touch and with him, not so much. I like his company and I like him as a help-mate but I'm not DRAWN to him. As I recall, years ago (haha sigh) I enjoyed giving and receiving oral, spooning in bed, nuzzling, randomly touching while walking past, etc. I do not feel the urge to do these things with him and on occasion feel myself pulling away when he tries to get close/hold hand/hug/kiss. 

Unfortunately between TAM and life experiences I find very few men who have the skills for a happy, lasting relationship. I'm starting to think the best relationship at this point is someone I see a couple times a week for sex and dates, a few weekend trips and a few vacations. Have our own places, our own lives and careers. I'm not jaded, just really comfortable with being alone! (Too comfortable?)


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

At our age, if the chemistry is not there don't force it. Because if you do then, you know what will happen. You have been here to see the devastation this can create for people. 

I keep telling my DD to wait for that chemistry. So, I will give you the same advice. Don't pressure yourself into a relationship. You are only in your 40's, you have a lot of living to do. When you least expect it someone will knock you off your feet. Until then, enjoy life.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> And no, I'm not totally into him. I'm trying to talk myself into it because it's sensible and safe. But there are things that i know would drive me nuts. I even asked my mother how important is chemistry and she said "very!" - that's coming from a 76y/o widow!
> 
> *I have been in relationships where I wanted to kiss and touch and with him, not so much. I like his company and I like him as a help-mate but I'm not DRAWN to him. As I recall, years ago (haha sigh) I enjoyed giving and receiving oral, spooning in bed, nuzzling, randomly touching while walking past, etc. I do not feel the urge to do these things with him and on occasion feel myself pulling away when he tries to get close/hold hand/hug/kiss. *
> 
> Unfortunately between TAM and life experiences I find very few men who have the skills for a happy, lasting relationship. I'm starting to think the best relationship at this point is someone I see a couple times a week for sex and dates, a few weekend trips and a few vacations. Have our own places, our own lives and careers. I'm not jaded, just really comfortable with being alone! (Too comfortable?)


This right here tells you what you need to know. As others have mentioned, if you were really into him, you would be sure to make time for him and not like being away from him. If you are spending so much of your time on your daughter, maybe you need to just back burner the idea of a boyfriend altogether for right now. It wouldn't be fair for the "right guy" to always feel pushed aside, even if it is needed for good reason. 

But for this guy...back to the friend zone! :wink2:


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

jld said:


> For the right man, your weight would not be an issue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't fully agree. It is more nuanced, especially for men.
When you have a wife or girlfriend, you want her to look good. You want her to be slim, in shape, dress well. Now sometimes due to age, health conditions and other reasons, this may not be possible. For the right man, he will understand this.
If the woman cannot control herself at the buffet table and lets herself go, I will not hold it against the man if he gets pissed off. Especially if he takes care of himself. I have seen a few women in this category in my circle.


I agree with other posters that it is best that he is in a friend zone. Wait till you feel ready.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Friend only.

My mom did this, she was single for a long time. Met this great guy who she really liked, but she didn't love him. They decided to get married, and I told her, "but you don't love him". She said yeah, but she really liked him and she knew he would always take care of her and she was tired of being alone. She divorced him a year later because everything he did annoyed her. Those little things you can overlook because you love someone, became huge annoyances to her she couldn't overlook. He hadn't changed one bit, still was a great guy. I felt really bad for him, but I wasn't surprised.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> And no, I'm not totally into him. I'm trying to talk myself into it because it's sensible and safe. But there are things that i know would drive me nuts. I even asked my mother how important is chemistry and she said "very!" - that's coming from a 76y/o widow!
> 
> I have been in relationships where I wanted to kiss and touch and with him, not so much. I like his company and I like him as a help-mate but I'm not DRAWN to him. As I recall, years ago (haha sigh) I enjoyed giving and receiving oral, spooning in bed, nuzzling, randomly touching while walking past, etc. I do not feel the urge to do these things with him and on occasion feel myself pulling away when he tries to get close/hold hand/hug/kiss.
> 
> Unfortunately between TAM and life experiences I find very few men who have the skills for a happy, lasting relationship. I'm starting to think the best relationship at this point is someone I see a couple times a week for sex and dates, a few weekend trips and a few vacations. Have our own places, our own lives and careers. I'm not jaded, just really comfortable with being alone! (Too comfortable?)


Being comfortable with yourself is a good sign. Be honest with this guy. Tell him that you accepted his advances because you are 'comfortable' with him. But you don't see him as a life long mate. You can stay friends or not, but be clear you are not his girlfriend. 

When you find the right one, you'll know. No doubts. You are smart enough to know what infatuation is, and see through it to see if the guy has his head and arse wired straight. That magical combo of the feels and logic. 

Baggage becomes wisdom once you've unpacked it, tossed the garbage and cleaned the good stuff and put it away.

It's okay to be heavy as long as you feel good. If it's affecting your health, then by all means focus on lifestyle changes to improve your health. I'm currently losing weight, not be 'hot', but to support being more active. I want to sail, dive and hike. 

My current GF is from a clinical standpoint obese. She is still absolutely beautiful. She carries her weight well, dresses sharp and knows how to please. She is a good person who has a beauty that shines out from inside. She is showing me how much fun life can be when I take a step back from being responsible for everyone around me and focus a bit on myself.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Enjoli, my advice is really brief. If there's ever push/pull in a relationship, I always say to cut the string and let it go. I've rarely ever, ever seen push/pull history lead to something healthy. It usually leads to an endless break up/make up cycle until someone gets fed up.

I think you deserve someone crazy about you, that is attracted to you completely, and isn't/ hasn't ever been in a "buddy" phase with you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The situation with him works as a friend but not as a boyfriend. If you try to make it something it's not, you'll end up regretting it. And it will be much more painful (for him) when you end it in the future than it is now. 

Listen to your mom. She hasn't forgotten the importance of chemistry and you shouldn't either.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Tell me what I already know.


Lose ALL the extra weight and find another guy. You're settling cause your afraid you're going to miss the last train out of town.

But you already know this. There's your requested 2 x 4.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

To be honest, Friendzone svcks. Been there, done that. We use "friendzone" to mean one person wants the relationship to be romantic and the other just wants to be friends.

If you are friendzoned, you are miserable. You either look for any sign that the relationship is changing towards romance or you scheme to get out of the friendzone. A person cannot be happy in the friend zone. They either work to get out or pretend that they can be just friends. But they are just kidding themselves if they think they can be just friends. They cannot. 

In my situation, I am friendzoned and while I try to believe (and want to believe) I can be a friend, I doubt I can pull it off. Therefore my "friendship" with the other person is basically over. Better for me to go NC than to suffer through the friendship. 

OP, keep this in mind how you handle your friend. If he wants more and you want to be just friends, that will lead to an unequal relationship and it will not work for one of you.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I guess I'm afraid I won't ever find anyone.


This really resonates with me. I realize I married my ex in the first place because I was afraid I wouldn't find anyone. It wasn't worth it. 

Is being with this guy really better than being single? Is being single really so bad? 

At least for me, I'm realizing, I might be single forever because the kind of man I could be happy with is a rarity, and those few out there are not in the same places I am. And I will never ever settle for a lesser man again. My 20's were wasted on trying to find someone. My 30's were wasted on a man who wasn't for me. I will not waste my 40's. 

Don't you do it either. You are doing important valuable stuff, and you are just fine single. So any man that wants to change your status better knock your socks off. 

This guy is not it.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

You clearly only want him as a friend. A close confidant, maybe, but not as a lover.

And he's wishy washy. He seemed happier in the friendzone too, but just as you are, he's probably thinking 'what if no one better comes along?' and tempted to give up on ever feeling proper attraction.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

He's not "the one" Enj... Listen to your mom .

Pass on by...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It seems that you need to think too hard about letting him into your life. If you had a strong attraction, none of the talking points would matter, you would want to see him. 

Sounds like you should keep him as a friend. There are a few things to consider. He is still in a relationship with the gf? At any rate they recently parted so do you think he really knows what he wants? The way he broke up with you by email was cowardly and no way to treat a friend. I hope he knows that if he treats you with disregard, he will lose your friendship forever. 

I think you should have someone who puts you first, loves you just the way you are and will move haven and earth to be with you. You are lukewarm about him. In that state, if you get into a relationship and see him everyday, he may sooner than later, get on your nerves.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

So I'm not proud. I temporarily ghosted him. I'm a coward, yeah. Hate confrontation even if it doesn't involve anger or yelling.

He was supposed to help with some stuff at my Mom's. I never sent him the address. He'd been once before so I said I thought he had it and if he showed, fine. If not, fine. He didn't show and he called. I did not return his call. Then Sunday I did my own thing instead of going to his house. Planted 3 trees and two bushes, watered everything, mowed the yard because I had to empty the gas - changed the oil, cutting blade, air filter and spark plug on it. 

He texted this morning asking how my weekend was and saying he called and never heard from me. I told him I saw what mom needed to do and really didn't need help and told him what I got done and he replied with is progress (he is basically gutting a house and fully remodeling). I will need to call him tonight I guess. Or can I be a chicken like he was and text him?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Give him the "it's not you it's me" speech. lol

The two of you have a long history so I would think a phone call is best. There's dozens of ways to word it, bottom line is just be honest that you're happy with the relationship as it is and aren't willing to call yourselves a couple.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Or can I be a chicken like he was and text him?


I thought he called first, then texted. So how was he chicken?

You need to talk to him. I won't be easy. At least you are not alone. I will be having a similar talk with someone in about 4 hours, and I will be told the same thing that your guy will be hearing. 

Be kind but clear.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

BlueWoman said:


> This really resonates with me. I realize I married my ex in the first place because I was afraid I wouldn't find anyone. It wasn't worth it.
> 
> Is being with this guy really better than being single? Is being single really so bad?
> 
> ...


This was me, exactly, BlueWoman, in my 20s. I married because I was sure I'd be alone otherwise. No one else seemed to want me. I divorced at 30 and wizened up. 

Great advice and I do feel for you. You've got a great attitude. 

Enjoli, I know you're afraid. Being in fear is no way to live. There is a great man out there for you. I bet you anything he will appear when you are absolutely not looking. It happened to me, it happened to many of my friends throughout my life, when they decided to focus inward. I was 100% ready to get more cats and live alone forever in an abandoned missile silo on the side of a mountain.

I'm very realistic about life, but I'm ever the optimist about certain things. One of them is companionship. I believe the right person enters precisely when the moment is right. It just might not meet with our desired timetable.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

@blueinbr he was chicken when he broke up with me via email years ago after our weekend 'fling' which he assumed meant we were officially dating because otherwise he'd be an ass for a one-night stand. Instead he was an ass for trying to be a boyfriend for 2 weeks and then breaking it off in email.

@Satya I don't believe in fate. Nor do I really think there is a person for everyone or that when I least expect it the right person will come along. Meeting people involves numbers and odds. Some people win the lottery the first time they play; others play their whole lives and never win a thing.

I'm quite optimistic about life in general while also being practical/objective. I'm pretty darn happy by myself and with my daughter living with me full time now, I REALLY appreciate my alone time! There are things I don't like to do alone (movies, go out to eat) but they can be done with friends, too. I'm not lonely very often. Very seldom, actually. Usually the normal times - holidays, valentines, when someone I know gets married.

This weekend I was reflecting on when I was happiest post divorce and it was when I was losing weight, being active every day and doing stuff with meetup groups on a regular basis. This past year has sucked and I think due to depression over Dad's passing I felt overwhelmed and like I needed help shouldering everything and he was there so when kiddo was gone, I'd spend days helping him at his new place.

I don't think he feels super attracted to me. He's been out of his relationship for almost a year so I don't think it's rebound but rather logical - I think I just passed the check list and the only shortcoming was weight so he's probably thinking everything else is good he can grow to love me and stick to sex with lights off - haha - or assumes that nothing better will come along. And our kissing styles do NOT match; with him it's SO AWKWARD. 

I think without chemistry one or the other will be very unhappy. And if he really is serious that he has changed his mind on how attracted to me he is, he'll be the one to get hurt. I don't want to do that to him. Nor do I want either of us to settle. I'll be talking to him tonight.

BTW, it's my birthday and he has texted photos of the work he did this weekend but has no idea it's my birthday even though we've known each other for 8+ years. I was in a marriage like that. I don't want one again. So while he tried with Valentine's Day, He's sort of blowing it on my birthday. I had even told him that we'd be celebrating my birthday at Mom's if he came to help. I'm really not that high on his priority list. He'd drop everything to come help but he'd do that for a male friend, too.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

It doesn't sound like this relationship will ever be what you want it to be and the same for him, you are just settling for now. That's fine but I wonder whether years down the road you'll wonder why you spent so much time on a ho hum relationship like this instead of searching for what you really wanted. I should talk, I'm probably doing the same thing, but I'm where I am because of finances so I can't get out.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I know. I don't know why someone needed to tell me. I always give people a second chance but he already got his. I knew there wasn't chemistry when we first met. I gave him another shot and he blew it. I don't think I'll loose his friendship over this. But he IS the guy who will drive 45 minutes to help a friend move, work in the yard, etc. He's "a nice guy" but without being able to walk all over him. I have helped him with his remodeling and yard work - sometimes if I don't have anything to do but sit at home and no money to go out, hanging with a friend doing something, even WORK, is fun.
> 
> *I guess I'm afraid I won't ever find anyone. On the other hand if I hook up with him I'm afraid that's when I'll find someone. Maybe just being OK being single the rest of my life is enough (and I'm 99% there). And if someone comes along that's great. *@blueinbr the way I have time as a friend and not a lover is I don't want to have sex and leave. If our relationship gets physical/serious, I would have to devote more time and that means sacrificing time with a teen that needs supervision or having him at my house which is awkward.
> 
> ...


You're acting like there are 2 choices - be with him, or be single for the rest of your life. There are a LOT of guys out there. Many of them will find you attractive, not hurt you, and not say nasty things about your weight. Some will have something in common with you. And a few will probably be people you could see yourself being with long-term. Yes, ideally, you're happy single before you meet someone. But PLEASE don't think a guy who makes comments about your weight is your only choice.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> BTW, it's my birthday


Well, I am a little late, but :birthday:


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

joannacroc said:


> You're acting like there are 2 choices - be with him, or be single for the rest of your life. There are a LOT of guys out there. Many of them will find you attractive, not hurt you, and not say nasty things about your weight. Some will have something in common with you. And a few will probably be people you could see yourself being with long-term. Yes, ideally, you're happy single before you meet someone. But PLEASE don't think a guy who makes comments about your weight is your only choice.


I left my ex in October of 2003. After 13 years of singledom and just turned 48, I did give pause to the possibility that noone else will want me. But I don't really believe it. I didn't call him last night to break it off because I went out with my daughter for dinner and didn't want to end my day like that, but I'm sure he knows I've been avoiding his calls.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I did give pause to the possibility that noone else will want me.


Never ever think that. :wink2:

BTW, unless your picture is at least 10 years old, you certainly do not look 48. 

Have a good day EW.


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