# Christmas/Inlaws - Am I Being Unreasonable?



## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

been with fiance for about 6 years, so we have been through many "family functions" and christmas's together,

on christmas morning we are home alone (we dont have any kids), 

on christmas afternoon we go to my parents to exchange gifts and have dinner, fiance is fine with this, my parents live about 1.5 hours away, so by the end of the night when we get home i am very exhausted,

because of certain other family issues my fiances family celebrates christmas on boxing day, so its us, her parents, neices and nephews, etc

the problem is, her family has a tradition that they spend the entire day and night together, i mean literally 7am till night time/after dinner,

last year we were not there till 8:00am and they were literally phoning us to find out how much longer we would be, because the kids want to open their gifts, and they feel like they should wait till we arrive,

first of all, i am EXHAUSTED from the previous day already, secondly, i DO NOT want to spend the entire day and night there, ITS TOO DAMN LONG!

i have reluctantly done this in previous years, but this year i feel like saying no, i will come over in the afternoon for dinner, just like my family does,

am i being unreasonable? or should i just stick it out to keep the peace in the family?

i try to put on a happy face all day, but in reality im wishing i was at home laying in bed or on the sofa,


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Yes you are being unreasonable. This is a family tradition on her side of the family and as such you are part of it. If you refuse to go you will do damage to your relationship with them and your fiance my resent you for it. My in-laws live 600 miles away. Each Christmas season we go back as a family or just as a couple. A day for travel, 2 or 3 days with family and a day to travel back. 25+ years. I do it because it is important to my wife. If it wasn't I could care less if we went. This is part of extending your family ties, go with the flow.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Holidays are such a sticky topic.There has to be compromise and things have to be made as fair as possible.
How far away does her family live? 
If they live close by,why can't you sleep in a bit while your fiance goes and appeases her family?You can arrive after you've had a chance to rest and decompress from spending the afternoon/evening with your family.

OR they can simply accept that you guys won't be there til later in the morning or early afternoon.

I'm not big on family gatherings during the holidays because I think it's bullsh*t.If you can't make time to see your family any other time except holidays then you shouldn't stress out your entire household bending over backward to adhere to the Christmas traditions of your parents.You're adults now,time to make your own traditions outside of what the 'rents are doing.

Traditions are great until they begin making people unhappy and stressed.Some families have such ridiculous traditions,such as "arrive at the crack of dawn and stay til the night" that it makes people dread what's supposed to be a happy time.It isn't right!

I think you and your fiance need to have a discussion about your options.

My view might be skewed since I'm not really into the whole family thing. Maybe someone who is more family oriented will have better ideas for you. Good luck!


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## CO_MOM (Sep 14, 2012)

I agree with Amplexor. It is one day out of the year. You stick the your family tradition, so why should hers be any different? I think it would be disrespectful to refuse to do it. My parents used to live about 2 hours away. We would drive over on Christmas Eve, spend the night and whole day on Christmas day, spend the night again and come home early the next morning. I know that my husband didn't always look forward to it since he's a home body, but he did it for me, and I appreciate that.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Holidays are such a sticky topic.There has to be compromise and things have to be made as fair as possible.
> How far away does her family live?
> 
> I'm not big on family gatherings during the holidays because I think it's bullsh*t.
> ...


God I love you Scarlet!


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> How far away does her family live?


her family lives 10 mins away



> If they live close by,why can't you sleep in a bit while your fiance goes and appeases her family?You can arrive after you've had a chance to rest and decompress from spending the afternoon/evening with your family.


that is my thinking too, just dont know how well it would go over


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## CO_MOM (Sep 14, 2012)

If they only live 10 mins away, then that is a different.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I believe in compromise in situations like this, and believe it works both ways. Every generation has the right, IMO, to start their own traditions and I don't believe we should rigidly expect our adult children to continue to fit into ours - particularly when they have partners / families of their own.

Perhaps you and your GF could suggest that you both arrive at her parents' home in time for lunch?


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Perhaps you and your GF could suggest that you both arrive at her parents' home in time for lunch?


my fiance will want to go early, mostly to please her parents i think


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I think Christmas frequently present problems like this to people. The only solution that worked for me was to start a family. Then you can start arguing that things should be done to suit your/ the childrens' timetable. Bit drastic though and I only recommend it if you were going to start a family anyway.

Otherwise I think you are going to have to go with the flow and think to yourself that (presumably?) it is only going to be this way for a few years.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

justanaveragejoe said:


> my fiance will want to go early, mostly to please her parents i think


If you're not on the same page with this, then I'm afraid I have to agree with others. It looks like you might simply have to go with the flow.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm also in the "it's one day a year" camp. 

If it's really *that* big of a problem, you could ask her family to shift their tradition to one that opens presents at a pre-set time, although it makes the event more about you than family. You could maybe even get success with that if you agreed to dress up as Santa and make a special appearance each year. 

Alternately, you could let your lady drive home from your family's home so you could nap a while in the car.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

aaaaahhhhh another thorny problem I never have to deal with again :smthumbup:

personally I think you just suck it up - it's just one day, it's important to them and to her and your reasons for not going aren't really that valid. If you're tired then start drinking early and fall asleep on the couch until dinner time, who knows you may not get invited back next year


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> If it's really *that* big of a problem, you could ask her family to shift their tradition to one that opens presents at a pre-set time,


there *IS* a preset time, its 7am!

we were "late" last year


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm in the suck it up it's just one day camp and I'd probably take a nap while there to cope.

However know that once you have kids this won't work anymore.

I'm grateful I only have one family to deal with (his). So much easier.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Suck it up dude. This is a part of marriage. My H celebrates Christmas with my family, and its not even a holiday he celebrates. In his words, "who puts a dead tree in the middle of the living room." 

Maybe a compromise is that you can go home for a nap in the afternoon after the important festivities happen and there is a lull. Then return for dinner.
The bad news is you may not get your way. The good news is you have family to celebrate with. Look on the bright side!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

justanaveragejoe said:


> there *IS* a preset time, its 7am!
> 
> we were "late" last year


They might agree to meet at seven and wait until 8 to open gifts if you asked. It'll build the kids' anticipation anyway!

I like the nap ideas, too.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

This sounds like what we faced.... Her family has all sorts of "traditions" the worst, imo, is getting up at the butt crack of dawn on new years day to watch the parade and have a big family breakfast. I am NOT a morning person, neither is she. She wasn't happy about doing these things, but did it out of obligation, and probably to not hear her mom bych...

So, I told her mom we would not be there. Yep, they were pissed. They got over it. Now, on new years day while the rest of the family is getting up at 4am to make it over in time to get breakfast cooked, we are tucked in bed, and show up late morning, well rested.

Now, if she WANTS to do this, I say suck it up, and get over there. If she doesn't, but is doing it to appease, then be the man and explain nicely to her family that due to your schedules, mornings off together are precious, and you will be enjoying them together, showing up to family functions later in the day. Explain that you totally understand that they are not going to wait on you, and you are ok with that.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Tradition or not..the 7:00 a.m. thing is ridiculous. Especially since they know that the day before you were at your side of the family celebrating. But at the same time in this situation unless your wife is going to take a stand, you are probably out of luck.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

I think this is kind of selfish. So you want her family traditions to be like _your_ family tradition. You are too tired the next day because of spending time with _your_ family. How would you feel if she wanted to alter your family's Christmas traditions? 

You want to sleep in? Really? That's the reason you want to upset her (assuming she enjoys this tradition)? You get to sleep in Christmas morning so is waking up early going to kill you? This just seems like a really silly and selfish problem. If it is important to your fiance I don't know why you wouldn't just suck it up and do it. It's one day a year.

If it is really too much for you the best suggestion I have is splitting years. One year you see your family at Christmas and recover the next day without seeing hers and the next year you don't see your family on Christmas so that you are fully rested and prepared for the full day at her family's home.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Situations like this are what make Christmas so much fun....not!

I think the people that go away at Christmas with just their own immediate family are the smart ones.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

Soifon said:


> I think this is kind of selfish. So you want her family traditions to be like _your_ family tradition. You are too tired the next day because of spending time with _your_ family. How would you feel if she wanted to alter your family's Christmas traditions?
> 
> You want to sleep in? Really? That's the reason you want to upset her (assuming she enjoys this tradition)? You get to sleep in Christmas morning so is waking up early going to kill you? This just seems like a really silly and selfish problem. If it is important to your fiance I don't know why you wouldn't just suck it up and do it. It's one day a year.


no i dont want her family traditions to be like mine, 

we dont really have any tradition, we go to my parents for dinner and to exchange gifts, i wouldnt really consider that a "tradition"

i think its nuts to go over to ANYBODYS house at 7am, im not asking her to do that for me,

sleeping in is not really the issue, i think its too long of a day to spend there sitting around doing nothing,


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

highwood said:


> I think the people that go away at Christmas with just their own immediate family are the smart ones.


yes, maybe i will buy her a trip to jamaica that will conveniently be from dec 23 till the new year :smthumbup:


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Nuts or not.

Suck.it.up. It's only once a year. Do it for HER.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

justanaveragejoe said:


> no i dont want her family traditions to be like mine,
> 
> we dont really have any tradition, we go to my parents for dinner and to exchange gifts, i wouldnt really consider that a "tradition"
> 
> ...


You're not asking her to do that for you because you have never had to do that before. If that is her family tradition she was raised with that as the norm so it isn't "nuts" to her or her family. It's only crazy to you because you weren't exposed to it growing up. Does she want to do/like doing this tradition?


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

I live away from my family. About three years ago I went home for Christmas but my mom was down on her luck so me, my son and my H stayed at my brother's house. My mom came to stay and my younger brother and his wife came to stay at my older brother's home as well. We were all there for a couple of days. My brother's wife most likely _hated_ all of us being there. She doesn't like us too much but she puts on a happy face and I appreciate that from her so we are friendly. My mom died 4 months later. If my brother's wife had refused to let us all stay there and celebrate and do our family traditions I can tell you that my brother would resent her for it today.

Family is important to a lot of people. If it is to your fiance, seriously, suck it up. You never know when you won't have the chance to see those people at 7am again. Maybe it won't be 7am, maybe it will be never next year. Just some food for thought.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Oh please. I had the "everyone gets together" thing when I was growing up too. I love my family, but if my husband wasn't ok with spending literally ALL day with them, we wouldn't. There is absolutely nothing wrong with just letting the rest of them open the gifts that are already there and then you and your fiancee going over later in the day...with MORE gifts for the kids to enjoy. People do it all the time. 

We spend Christmas Eve at my sister's house, and Christmas Day as well. As I said, if my husband was uncomfortable with that, we wouldn't. Case closed. My family understands this. Now, even though we are all there, we don't open gifts THAT early! My sister's mother-in-law lives next door. Guess what? We wait for HER to get up and come over before we open gifts. We have waited til 9 or 10 am sometimes. And when Christmas falls on a Saturday? LOL We wait for the gifts til AFTER CHURCH! People need to learn to be flexible with holiday traditions when it comes to extended family.

I wonder how they would handle it if, for some reason, your family (OP I mean) had no choice but to celebrate on boxing day? And, if this occurred more than once? Would they expect you to NOT spend time with your family? Discuss it with your fiancee and see if you can compromise. Some people just can't handle sitting around doing nothing all day long. I can understand that.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Oh please. I had the "everyone gets together" thing when I was growing up too. I love my family, but if my husband wasn't ok with spending literally ALL day with them, we wouldn't. There is absolutely nothing wrong with just letting the rest of them open the gifts that are already there and then you and your fiancee going over later in the day...with MORE gifts for the kids to enjoy. People do it all the time.
> 
> We spend Christmas Eve at my sister's house, and Christmas Day as well. As I said, if my husband was uncomfortable with that, we wouldn't. Case closed. My family understands this. Now, even though we are all there, we don't open gifts THAT early! My sister's mother-in-law lives next door. Guess what? We wait for HER to get up and come over before we open gifts. We have waited til 9 or 10 am sometimes. And when Christmas falls on a Saturday? LOL We wait for the gifts til AFTER CHURCH! People need to learn to be flexible with holiday traditions when it comes to extended family.
> 
> I wonder how they would handle it if, for some reason, your family (OP I mean) had no choice but to celebrate on boxing day? And, if this occurred more than once? Would they expect you to NOT spend time with your family? Discuss it with your fiancee and see if you can compromise. Some people just can't handle sitting around doing nothing all day long. I can understand that.


Well he needs to talk to his fiance. Maybe she is like you and doesn't care and that's perfectly fine. We are all assuming that she does care and wants to keep doing it otherwise why would he post here? If he hasn't talked to her he needs to. If he has and it's important to her that he do it, he needs to do it. It isn't that big of a deal that he insists on not going. One day won't kill him if it's important to his future wife.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Soifon said:


> Family is important to a lot of people. If it is to your fiance, seriously, suck it up. You never know when you won't have the chance to see those people at 7am again. Maybe it won't be 7am, maybe it will be never next year. Just some food for thought.


This is why it's important to emphasize family time regularly instead of having the huge deal be made just for Christmas which is already an exhausting overblown time of year.

Seriously,when someone in the family dies do we actually feel good in saying..."Well I got to sit around with them all day for Christmas last year even though I didn't call or see them for 8 months after that,least I did the tradition they wanted!"

I don't know anything about this particular family but too often people stress SO much about Christmas gatherings and basically ignore keeping in touch the rest of the year.
Then if you don't want to ruin your holiday vacation with tons of stress,cleaning,decorating,cooking,and running around,you basically get guilted by people and told you're a selfish person. It's crazy.It's like,ok you forgot I was family the other portion of the year...why do you care so much about holiday tradition?

Again,my view of family is really different based on my experiences over the years.

Not ALL families are like this.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

justanaveragejoe said:


> i think its nuts to go over to ANYBODYS house at 7am, im not asking her to do that for me,
> 
> sleeping in is not really the issue, i think its too long of a day to spend there sitting around doing nothing,


I get it, and I agree with you. However, I suggest sucking it up anyway because that's what people do for family and your fiancee is now your family. 

My partner and I are in our mid-40's, so our parents are getting up there in age. His father has already passed. Having gone through a few medical scares with them in recent years, I realize that we won't have them around forever so, even if it's boring and inconvenient and we'd rather not, we make the time to spend with them on special occasions, large and small. After they're gone, I know I won't regret having spent this time with them; indeed, I'll be grateful that we did. 

Honestly, change your perspective on it and it makes all the difference. If you're tired when you get home the night before, ask your parents to move dinner to a late lunch instead (since it's not a "tradition" for your family). That way you can leave earlier and get more sleep. If you're bored when you are there, DO something! Start up a football game in the back yard with the kids or go out and build snowmen or have snowball fights. Let your prospective father in law show you what he's working on in his basement workshop or whatever, and sneak in a Christmas drink with him. Put the ipod on speakers and dance with your wife. Be creative - these people will be your family so find ways to connect with them to make these events more fun.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

justanaveragejoe said:


> been with fiance for about 6 years, so we have been through many "family functions" and christmas's together,
> 
> on christmas morning we are home alone (we dont have any kids),
> 
> ...


Personally I think it's unreasonable for the in-laws to expect you to spend an entire day from 7 AM til night-time when you have a family yourselves...every year. I can see once in awhile. And even though you don't have kids yet...if you and your soon-to-be-wife are living together then that is your family. 

If you're tired and you find their request unreasonable, then start discussing compromises. You just might have to pull the, "Fine, you go (to your fiance) if you want to be there at 7 AM. I'll be there at [insert time here]."


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Traditions are called traditions for a reason. It's a thing you do at a designated time year after year. If you don't want to live by traditions, then state so and do your own thing. Just don't feel that who you are with HAS to agree with you in order to keep peace. Some people hold traditions very close to their hearts whether their partners understand it or not, I think it should be respected.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> This is why it's important to emphasize family time regularly instead of having the huge deal be made just for Christmas which is already an exhausting overblown time of year.
> 
> Seriously,when someone in the family dies do we actually feel good in saying..."Well I got to sit around with them all day for Christmas last year even though I didn't call or see them for 8 months after that,least I did the tradition they wanted!"


And this is why the family dynamic needs to be taken into account. Are there family members coming from out of town? I live on the opposite side of the country so no I don't see my family for 8 month stretches at times although I speak to them regularly throughout the year. We didn't celebrate on Christmas day, it was earlier in the month because holiday travel was too expensive for me. The actual day doesn't matter. What matters is that she is asking him to do something important to her regardless of how tired, exhausting or boring it is to him. Would you not make that sacrifice for your SO if it was important to them?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Soifon said:


> Well he needs to talk to his fiance. Maybe she is like you and doesn't care and that's perfectly fine. *We are all assuming *that she does care and wants to keep doing it otherwise why would he post here? If he hasn't talked to her he needs to. If he has and it's important to her that he do it, he needs to do it. It isn't that big of a deal that he insists on not going. One day won't kill him if it's important to his future wife.


And that's the problem right there... many are ASSUMING the fiancee feels that way because that's how THEY feel. I swear I saw Joe post that they do this because it's her FAMILY'S tradition. And, so far, he has gone along with it because of that. People often do things for family because they don't like to hear the whining and complaining when they don't. And if Joe just "sucks it up", how do you know HE won't start resenting being dragged somewhere ALL DAY LONG? 

Here, they live 10 minutes away? Let her drive over to be there at 7am and you drive over later. I do wonder how you will handle it if/when you have kids... having to get them up at 5-6am, get ready, to BE THERE at 7am. At that point, are you ready to be able to tell them "no, we are not going on your time, we are going on the KIDS' TIME"??


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Well she is part of her family and he has yet to say that she doesn't care for the tradition. So you are also assuming that her family is forcing this and she is only appeasing her family which you don't know that either.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Traditions are called traditions for a reason. It's a thing you do at a designated time year after year. If you don't want to live by traditions, then state so and do your own thing. Just don't feel that who you are with HAS to agree with you in order to keep peace. Some people hold traditions very close to their hearts whether their partners understand it or not, I think it should be respected.


Again, I wonder how this will play out with kids. And, what if, at some point, both sides end up having to make plans on the same day? How will the extended family (yes, I mean the in-laws) handle that? Gotta start the compromises sometime... might as well start now.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Here, they live 10 minutes away? Let her drive over to be there at 7am and you drive over later.


that is exactly my thinking,

kids are not an issue or concern, we are not having any, so no need to even go there


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

How does SHE feel about all of this?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Soifon said:


> Well she is part of her family and he has yet to say that she doesn't care for the tradition. So you are also assuming that her family is forcing this and she is only appeasing her family which you don't know that either.



As I stated, this is what HER FIANCE believes as well. Guess everyone glossed over that part though. 




justanaveragejoe said:


> my fiance will want to go early, *mostly to please her parents* i think


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Soifon said:


> Would you not make that sacrifice for your SO if it was important to them?



Making sacrifices can cause resentment because we're only human and it's natural for us to expect a give and take situation. 

I'll sacrifice for the person I love until I see I'm getting nothing in return.

What is she sacrificing for him exactly in regard to the holidays? 

It isn't that he doesn't want to spend the day with her family and following their traditions.He just doesn't want to spend 7am til nightfall with them. He's trying to compromise so he doesn't end up resenting the holidays year after year. He's trying to establish a way for every one to be ok with the gatherings.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> It isn't that he doesn't want to spend the day with her family and following their traditions.He just doesn't want to spend 7am til nightfall with them.


EXACTLY!!!

you hit the nail on the head!!!


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

He's guessing at how she feels. He has no idea. He said he "thinks" she is doing it to please her parents. He hasn't talked to her about it (or he wouldn't ignore my question and would explain her stance). He is just here to get people to tell him he is right so he has the courage to go tell her he doesn't want to do it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Joe-talk to your fiance and find out where she stands.You'll know what to say and do after you get a feel for what's in her mind about the holidays.
I wouldn't go into with a negative tone about her family's holiday wishes though...she might go into "protect my family" mode if she senses negativity from you and then you'll never get to know how she really feels about the all day request.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I wouldn't want to spend from 7 AM to night-time with MY OWN family...let alone somebody else's. LOL


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

Soifon said:


> He's guessing at how she feels. He has no idea. He said he "thinks" she is doing it to please her parents. He hasn't talked to her about it (or he wouldn't ignore my question and would explain her stance). He is just here to get people to tell him he is right so he has the courage to go tell her he doesn't want to do it.


im not ignoring anything, its hard to keep up here with posts so fast and me "supposed to be" working,

i would say she has mixed feelings, yes she wants to go, and yes she also does it to please her family


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

This is what I'm wondering... if he doesn't like it why go with her? Stand up to her and say I'm only staying for 3 hours or whatever, take seperate cars. 

It's not hard.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Soifon said:


> Well she is part of her family and he has yet to say that she doesn't care for the tradition. So you are also assuming that her family is forcing this and she is only appeasing her family which you don't know that either.


Actually, they _are_ enforcing things. They phoned the OP and his GF at 8am to tell them that they were an hour late.

By any standards, 7am is a ridiculously early hour to expect people to visit.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

justanaveragejoe said:


> no i dont want her family traditions to be like mine,
> 
> we dont really have any tradition, we go to my parents for dinner and to exchange gifts, i wouldnt really consider that a "tradition"
> 
> ...


If there are little kids, there is nothing worse than having them wait around for someone to get there. The most exciting thing about Christmas with little kids is seeing how excited they are when they see the tree in the morning with stacks of gifts under it. It ruins the moment if they have to wait an hour for Uncle Humbug to get there. 

Set your alarm, get up, get over there and have fun. You can sleep when you are dead.

"Sitting around doing nothing" ----- that is your problem.

I wonder if everyone is sitting around doing nothing. My guess is that there are a bunch of people working. Getting the Turkey ready, making salads, deserts. People are picking up wrapping paper. People are taking interest in each other, maybe playing a new game with the kids.

Make the day better. Plan some card games. If there is snow, get a bunch of people to go outside and make snowmen. If there is a hill nearby, go sledding. 

I bet if you organize something for everyone to do, something you like, then everyone will have a better time.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Soifon said:


> He is just here to get people to tell him he is right so he has the courage to go tell her he doesn't want to do it.


That's an unfair statement.I think he's looking for honest perspective while trying to get people to understand where he's coming from at the same time.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> If there are little kids, there is nothing worse than having them wait around for someone to get there. The most exciting thing about Christmas with little kids is seeing how excited they are when they see the tree in the morning with stacks of gifts under it. * It ruins the moment if they have to wait an hour for Uncle Humbug to get there.*


Kids are just as excited to open the gifts an hour or even three hours after they wake up. It doesn't ruin anything for them to wait. As another poster stated, it builds the excitement.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Actually, they _are_ enforcing things. They phoned the OP and his GF at 8am to tell them that they were an hour late.
> 
> By any standards, 7am is a ridiculously early hour to expect people to visit.


OP if you haven't talked to her, how she reacted that day would be a good indicator on how willing she would be to let this tradition start to slide. If she was upset that you guys were late than there is your answer that it means a lot to her. If she was upset they were on her about being late she probably will be perfectly fine with you making the suggestion that you both tell her family that you will be arriving at 10am or whatever time so they know when to expect you and it isn't just some random, we'll show up when we show up. Just come up with something BOTH OF YOU are ok with and do it. Her family will accept it eventually but you have to be in agreement with her otherwise the two of you will just but heads every year.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Again, I wonder how this will play out with kids. And, what if, at some point, both sides end up having to make plans on the same day? How will the extended family (yes, I mean the in-laws) handle that? Gotta start the compromises sometime... might as well start now.


I'm sure the kids will be up and raring to go at the crack of dawn if they know present-opening awaits them at grandma's house.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> Kids are just as excited to open the gifts an hour or even three hours after they wake up. It doesn't ruin anything for them to wait. As another poster stated, it builds the excitement.


I don't agree. I have been there as a kid (40 years ago) and as a father (10 years ago). 

10 minutes builds excitement .... 1 hour builds resentment

Being late for opening gifts is rude.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> "Sitting around doing nothing" ----- that is your problem.


maybe that comment came out wrong, i try to keep busy,

i DO help out preparing dinner, in fact i help out more than anybody else there, i also play games with the kids, not because i want to but i do it for them,

HOWEVER

a large majority of the day is spent watching movies or TV, im not a big TV person and i find it extremely boring, even if im drinking its boring, lol

i literally look at the clock ever 10 mins, hoping another hour has ticked by


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Soifon said:


> OP if you haven't talked to her, how she reacted that day would be a good indicator on how willing she would be to let this tradition start to slide. If she was upset that you guys were late than there is your answer that it means a lot to her. If she was upset they were on her about being late she probably will be perfectly fine with you making the suggestion that you both tell her family that you will be arriving at 10am or whatever time so they know when to expect you and it isn't just some random, we'll show up when we show up. Just come up with something BOTH OF YOU are ok with and do it. Her family will accept it eventually but you have to be in agreement with her otherwise the two of you will just but heads every year.


This won't work. The rest of the family will have been up and open presents. They will have cleaned up the mess of the presents and will have moved on to something else. Then this other family is going to show up and do their presents? 

This kind of thing has to happen when people are hours apart. Not when they are 10 minutes apart and someone is too lazy to get there on time.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> If there are little kids, there is nothing worse than having them wait around for someone to get there. The most exciting thing about Christmas with little kids is seeing how excited they are when they see the tree in the morning with stacks of gifts under it. It ruins the moment if they have to wait an hour for Uncle Humbug to get there.


For parents, yes, this is exciting. But not necessarily for other adult family members... The parents could compromise by letting the kids open their presents when it suits them, and allow the OP and his GF to put in their appearance at a more reasonable hour.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

justanaveragejoe said:


> maybe that comment came out wrong, i try to keep busy,
> 
> i DO help out preparing dinner, in fact i help out more than anybody else there, i also play games with the kids, not because i want to but i do it for them,
> 
> ...


One day a year man! 

What would you do at home other than watch TV? 

If there are kids there and snow, take everyone outside and build a fort or snowman. If there is no snow, plan a family ball game or something. Sure you can think of something.

The next year the kids will be waiting and excited to see what Uncle Scrooge has planned.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

justanaveragejoe said:


> maybe that comment came out wrong, i try to keep busy,
> 
> i DO help out preparing dinner, in fact i help out more than anybody else there, i also play games with the kids, not because i want to but i do it for them,
> 
> ...


And again... why not go home and return later to get your fiance or have dinner? What's wrong with that?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't agree. I have been there as a kid (40 years ago) and as a father (10 years ago).
> 
> 10 minutes builds excitement .... 1 hour builds resentment
> 
> Being late for opening gifts is rude.


And, I am there now, with two little ones of my own, as well as one who is 11. We have opened right away at times and we have waited hours, after church. It is ALL the same for them. They are JUST as excited to open the gifts in the morning as they are when we get home from church. My sisters and I were the same way when we were kids. 

Expecting people to be up at the crack of dawn is rude.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> One day a year man!


you are correct when u say this, and this is exactly what i have said to myself in the past years, i guess it just bothers me that im expected to be there at 7am when i dont want to be there at that time, phoning us before 8am last year to ask where we were, and why we were not there yet i though was very rude and i guess it put me over the edge


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> This won't work. The rest of the family will have been up and open presents. They will have cleaned up the mess of the presents and will have moved on to something else. Then this other family is going to show up and do their presents?
> 
> This kind of thing has to happen when people are hours apart. Not when they are 10 minutes apart and someone is too lazy to get there on time.


Are you kidding me? People come over all day long at my sister's house, bringing gifts. It is just as fun, just as exciting when they show up as it is when the earlier presents are opened... and these people live in the same town and do things with their families as well.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> For parents, yes, this is exciting. But not necessarily for other adult family members... The parents could compromise by letting the kids open their presents when it suits them, and allow the OP and his GF to put in their appearance at a more reasonable hour.


The other family members (like the OP and his GF) will be there themselves someday. It will be their kids all excited about opening gifts. They will want their family there sharing in the celebration.

To me, this all depends on the age of the kids that are there. When our kids were say < 10 years old, Christmas morning was a very important time (and fun with the right attitude). As they got older, not so much. The parents end up having to wake up the teenagers to get them to open presents.

Christmas was a huge celebration when all my siblings had little kids. We are past that now. Most of my siblings have grandchildren and they spend their Christmas' with their own families. My kids are older teenagers so the excitement of Christmas morning has died down. We typically go away somewhere and spend quality family time. This year we are going to the Mountains for a ski holiday.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> And again... why not go home and return later to get your fiance or have dinner? What's wrong with that?


nothing wrong with that as far as i can see, but im expected to stay


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

justanaveragejoe said:


> nothing wrong with that as far as i can see, but im expected to stay


So what if you're expected. You don't want to. If your fiance is cool with you taking off, that's all that matters. Take seperate cars and do what YOU want to do too. Again, it's not hard.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> So what if you're expected. You don't want to. If your fiance is cool with you taking off, that's all that matters. Take seperate cars and do what YOU want to do too. Again, it's not hard.


my fiance would not be "cool" with it, however she would let me go if i wanted, but her family would probably be a bit offended and pee'd off


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

justanaveragejoe said:


> my fiance would not be "cool" with it, however she would let me go if i wanted, but her family would probably be a bit offended and pee'd off


Even though this was one of my suggestions,I have to be honest and say I don't think I'd be ok with that either.I would prefer something we do as a united front...together and previously agreed upon.Once one person leaves,even if it's ok with the other person,it separates you in the eyes of the family and that isn't ok.It creates a weakness.

Go together,stay together,leave together.But do it at a time that you are BOTH comfortable with .


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> And, I am there now, with two little ones of my own, as well as one who is 11. We have opened right away at times and we have waited hours, after church. It is ALL the same for them. They are JUST as excited to open the gifts in the morning as they are when we get home from church. My sisters and I were the same way when we were kids.
> 
> Expecting people to be up at the crack of dawn is rude.


I agree that it could be at 7am or it could be at 11am (after church). 

The problem is when you tell them it is at 11am (after church) or 7am, and then a couple of people are late and it ends up being noon. The kids will be excited for 'the time' and then they have to wait for someone to get there.

The family has decided they do this at 7am. It isn't up to the OP to change that time because the day is too long.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> my fiance would not be "cool" with it


And this is the crux of the issue. You're doing this FOR YOUR FIANCE. 

Lame as it is. Boring as it is. It's for HER. It's for one time a year... FOR HER.

You're getting married man. This is what comes with it. Pleasing your wife should be your number 1 priority. The sooner you learn the happy wife happy life rule, the better you'll be.

Take your iPad or Kindle and get into a book while you prop yourself up on the sofa. Help with the meal, take a nap. This is what it's all about.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Camarillo Brillo said:


> Shortly after my wife and I were married we let all the in-laws know that we were starting our own holiday traditions and they should not automatically assume we would continue spending all our holidays with them. I suppose that was a bit of a shock at the time but it has worked out very nicely over the years, particularly once we had our own kids.
> 
> I always feel a bit sorry hearing about all the people that feel stressed out during the holidays because they spend most of their time running around just to please others.


I think doing your own thing is a mistake. You do your own thing all year long.

One of my wife's sisters chose to do the same thing and not be a part of the family during Christmas. We would all be together opening gifts and playing games and getting Christmas dinner together and they would show up at 5pm. 

Now they wonder why the great grandparents and uncles are closer to the other families than they are to them. Why I am the favorite 'son-in-law'! You can't just say family is important and then do your own thing. You have to do it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> I agree that it could be at 7am or it could be at 11am (after church).
> 
> The problem is when you tell them it is at 11am (after church) or 7am, and then a couple of people are late and it ends up being noon. The kids will be excited for 'the time' and then they have to wait for someone to get there.
> 
> The family has decided they do this at 7am. It isn't up to the OP to change that time because the day is too long.


LOL I guess my little ones (mine are 11, 4 and 6, one sister's is 4, the other sister's are 14 and 11) are more laid back then. They get antsy, yes. Resentful? No way.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

once again,

its not the fact that i dont want to be there at 7am.....its the fact that i dont want to be there FROM 7am TILL 10 or 11pm

its not really the time of day that bothers me, its the DURATION OF TIME spent there,

if it was 7am till 3pm, id be cool with that, or 2pm till 11pm, or whatever


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> LOL I guess my little ones (mine are 11, 4 and 6, one sister's is 4, the other sister's are 14 and 11) are more laid back then. They get antsy, yes. Resentful? No way.


exactly.People put WAY too much emphasis on making the schedule and lives all about the kiddos so when they don't get their way they don't know how to handle it and become resentful. It's nuts.I can remember having to load our presents into the car on Christmas day and drive HOURS to get to my grandparents house in VA (coming from PA) then waiting til the grownups did their greetings,hugs n kisses,got drinks,ate some snacks,etc before we could even TALK about opening presents. No resentment here


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> Are you kidding me? People come over all day long at my sister's house, bringing gifts. It is just as fun, just as exciting when they show up as it is when the earlier presents are opened... and these people live in the same town and do things with their families as well.


I see a huge difference between a neighbor dropping by with a gift than a family member being late for the gift opening.

My guess is the OP (and his girlfriend) will have giving gifts to most everyone in the house and will have received the same number. 

It isn't like thanking the neighbor for a bottle of wine.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

justanaveragejoe said:


> once again,
> 
> its not the fact that i dont want to be there at 7am.....its the fact that i dont want to be there FROM 7am TILL 10 or 11pm
> 
> ...


Honey you're not listening. We all get it's tedious. We do.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

justanaveragejoe said:


> once again,
> 
> its not the fact that i dont want to be there at 7am.....its the fact that i dont want to be there FROM 7am TILL 10 or 11pm
> 
> ...


Consider yourself lucky.

My family is 7 hours away. As is my wife's (another direction). When we went for Christmas, we probably spent 3 DAYS there.

Did you ever see the Everybody Loves Raymond episode where they were first getting married and Raymond had a map showing where they should live? He had a radius drawn around his parents house. Not too close or they could drop by too often. Not too far as that would force 'over night' visits. I think he decided an hour or two away was perfect. They ended up living next door :smthumbup:

Seriously, take advantage of being together for these holidays. Before you know it your parents will have 'passed on' and your own children will be where you are now. That is where I am at. So glad we have such happy memories. Time goes by too fast.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> I think doing your own thing is a mistake. You do your own thing all year long.
> 
> One of my wife's sisters chose to do the same thing and not be a part of the family during Christmas. We would all be together opening gifts and playing games and getting Christmas dinner together and they would show up at 5pm.
> 
> Now they wonder why the great grandparents and uncles are closer to the other families than they are to them. Why I am the favorite 'son-in-law'! You can't just say family is important and then do your own thing. You have to do it.


So how did you address celebrating with both sides of the family? Did one side have to "break tradition" to accommodate? I know that's not what Joe is dealing with since his family celebrates on Christmas and her's doesn't. But how did it work for your family?

BTW, my husband was Jewish. We still celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah. When we lived 1000 miles away from my parents, we didn't see them at all. Not for that entire time we lived away. And now, we don't see his mom. It's life. But, when we lived with his mom, we *gasp* had our own traditions... Guess what? They work just fine. We still have some semblance of our own traditions. We open gifts with the kids at home, after all the festivities with my family. Holiday traditions need to be flexible.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> LOL I guess my little ones (mine are 11, 4 and 6, one sister's is 4, the other sister's are 14 and 11) are more laid back then. They get antsy, yes. Resentful? No way.


Resentful was the wrong word. 

Just that the excitement of the moment fades. Isn't gone, but just isn't the same.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> Resentful was the wrong word.
> 
> Just that the excitement of the moment fades. Isn't gone, but just isn't the same.


I can understand that


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> So how did you address celebrating with both sides of the family? Did one side have to "break tradition" to accommodate? I know that's not what Joe is dealing with since his family celebrates on Christmas and her's doesn't. But how did it work for your family?
> 
> BTW, my husband was Jewish. We still celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah. When we lived 1000 miles away from my parents, we didn't see them at all. Not for that entire time we lived away. And now, we don't see his mom. It's life. But, when we lived with his mom, we *gasp* had our own traditions... Guess what? They work just fine. We still have some semblance of our own traditions. We open gifts with the kids at home, after all the festivities with my family. Holiday traditions need to be flexible.


The families were too far apart. We did one year with my family and the next year with my wife's. The traditions were only slightly different. 

I found this much easier as the decision (where to go) was already made and everyone understood. 

We have friends where both parents are in the same town with them and they are always conflicted around how many hours they need to spend at each house.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> Resentful was the wrong word.
> 
> Just that the excitement of the moment fades. Isn't gone, but just isn't the same.


LOL Like I said, our kids must be really laid back then.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> The families were too far apart. We did one year with my family and the next year with my wife's. The traditions were only slightly different.
> 
> I found this much easier as the decision (where to go) was already made and everyone understood.
> 
> We have friends where both parents are in the same town with them and they are always conflicted around how many hours they need to spend at each house.


See, that's the thing. Whether in the same town or not, there should be something set by the couple/parents regarding this. Whether it's spending Christmas Eve with one side and Christmas Day with the other side and then switching from year to year...or setting up something entirely different. The point is that they are the new family...and they make up their own NEW traditions. Otherwise, how do you figure it out for grandparents and great-grandparents, etc? You end up running from home to home to home, trying to please everyone...which is ridiculous. And THAT is what makes everything so stressful.... trying to please everyone else and not taking time for themselves/their family.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> See, that's the thing. Whether in the same town or not, there should be something set by the couple/parents regarding this. Whether it's spending Christmas Eve with one side and Christmas Day with the other side and then switching from year to year...or setting up something entirely different. The point is that they are the new family...and they make up their own NEW traditions. Otherwise, how do you figure it out for grandparents and great-grandparents, etc? You end up running from home to home to home, trying to please everyone...which is ridiculous. And THAT is what makes everything so stressful.... trying to please everyone else and not taking time for themselves/their family.


I agree, to a point. 

Your traditions may change somewhat, but they come from your parents. And you should respect their traditions. 

So when I went to my wife's families, I didn't tell them what time to get up. I didn't tell them they have to wrap the 'Santa Gifts' like my family does. I didn't tell them to hide all the gifts until Christmas morning like my family does. I didn't tell them to chop up the bread crumbs finer so the dressing was more like my mom made (even though I wanted to). I respected their traditions.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Once my son and his GF moved in together, I made it clear to him that they needed to set boundaries. There was my ex, my ex-inlaws and GF's family all vying for visits at Christmas time. I told him I wanted them to spend Christmas their way, and that I didn't want to have a happy Christmas at the expense of them getting stressed out by driving all over the country to please others.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Hey Joe,

At the end of the day, as I tell my kids all the time, "it's all about attitude."

If you look at this Boxing Day tradition as something you "have to do," you will not have fun and you will resent it. If you look at it as something you "get to do," you will be much better off. This is an opportunity to hear stories about your fiance, learn about what makes her tick and share some time creating new memories with her family.

This is not something you should be doing for her. It is something you get to do for yourself. It's a golden opportunity for further cementing your relationship with the person who is supposed to be the most important person in the world to you. And you want to give that up so that you can sleep in & hang at home?

Go & have fun. Don't make it a choice. For you or for her. If you pull back, you will make her choose between you and her family. Don't make her make that choice. Find the positives of the day and accentuate them. If they start watching a movie on TV, it's a perfect excuse to go in the back bedroom and take a nap.

Geez, get your head screwed on straight. Quite frankly, your current approach makes you sound like a self-absorbed dude. Sorry her traditions aren't the same as yours. Have you ever thought she thinks your sedate, brief family gatherings are devoid of emotion and offer little opportunity for bonding? How would you feel if she was dragging her feet to your family deals?

Sounds like you're on here looking for permission/validation for skipping out on her family's XMAS tradition. If that's the case, you have my permission to create family tensions that will damage your relations with your in-laws and put your wife in the awkward position of choosing between you and her family. You have my permission to sow the seeds of doubt among her parents and her siblings who may be wondering if you're the right guy for her after all. 

If you go in the right attitude, you can have fun and make yourself into somebody that confirms all the best thoughts your fiance and your in-laws have about you. Don't just show up. Embrace it with a loving and joyous attitude. Trust me, it's the best gift you could ever give your fiance.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Sounds like you're on here looking for permission/validation for skipping out on her family's XMAS tradition. If that's the case, you have my permission to create family tensions that will damage your relations with your in-laws and put your wife in the awkward position of choosing between you and her family. You have my permission to sow the seeds of doubt among her parents and her siblings who may be wondering if you're the right guy for her after all.


The OP hasn't got a problem visiting his GF's family on Boxing Day. He just finds *7am until 10-11pm *too long and, personally, I don't blame him.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

justanaveragejoe said:


> once again,
> 
> its not the fact that i dont want to be there at 7am.....its the fact that i dont want to be there FROM 7am TILL 10 or 11pm
> 
> ...


My wife and I have been married for 25+ years. There are things I do for her that I don't particularly want to do because they are important to her. She does the same for me. Neither of us resent it, it is just part of the package and we appreciate each other for the effort. If you are going to be married successfully this needs to be part of the union. There will always be compromises of some sort.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I think the whole problem is the feeling of the in-laws controlling you too much. I hate that feeling too from my own family every Thanksgiving and Christmas. But I deal with it. But they don't expect me to be there from 7AM and on through the night. Nor would I go either.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

DayDream said:


> I think the whole problem is the feeling of the in-laws controlling you too much. I hate that feeling too from my own family every Thanksgiving and Christmas. But I deal with it. But they don't expect me to be there from 7AM and on through the night. Nor would I go either.


yes i think you are correct, 

that and the day still being far too long to spend with them,

i dont like to be told a specific time to be somewhere, 

when we go to my parents place for christmas day we are told to be there in "the afternoon", so to me that means anywhere from 1-4pm, and we get there when we feel like it,

but when the inlaws are calling us asking why we are not there at 7am, that really bothers me


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

SO.

What are you going to do Joe? How are you going to resolve this problem that you have?


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

Its one day. It is important to your fiance, and they live close by. Not a big deal. Don't make it one.

I have 2 small children and we usually make 2 trips a year to see in-laws. One trip is pushing 500 miles and the other is 250. Neither place is childproof, so I feel like I am chasing my kids from the moment they wake up until they go to sleep. I do it without complaint because it is important to do those special things with family. We are more "selfish" around the holidays given the distance we'd have to travel possibly on bad roads, so we request that they travel if they want to see us on the holidays.

The important thing is to do the small things to make her family traditions seem important to you.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

justanaveragejoe said:


> yes i think you are correct,
> 
> that and the day still being far too long to spend with them,
> 
> ...


And it probably bothers them that you just want to show up whenever you show up. You obviously come from a different kind of family. These people sound like they are organized planners and your family is more relaxed. That doesn't make the way your family does it better, it's just different and you need to get over it and get used to it. If you tell them you will be there at 7am, be there at 7am don't roll in at 8am. They probably had no idea what was going on and were all sitting around waiting on you guys. If they knew exactly when you were going to arrive they most likely would have planned around you. If you don't intend on being there till 10am, tell them that.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> SO.
> 
> What are you going to do Joe? How are you going to resolve this problem that you have?


not really sure yet to be honest, still taking it all in

thanks for your concern


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Joe, I'd have a gentle talk with your GF. Something along the lines of you being more than happy to spend time with her family, but could you agree to leave earlier.


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

The best bit of advice I can get is to get a feeler out as to whether your GF feels somewhat similarly to this as you. If that tradition is important to her than you put on a brave, happy face a go with it.

In the end it is her call, not yours. If she is important to her than you appease her with this tradition as I have read nothing that would suggest that it is inappropriate.


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

What about after lunch you two take a stroll for an hour, weather permitting? Sounds like too much togetherness is half the problem, so, hey, new exercise regime.
Also, last year, I bet they were thinking, hey, did the car break down, their plumbing flood, gee, hope they're okay, we better call and make sure Joe didn't have a heart attack when you guys didn't show up on time and didn't let them know. And be grateful it's as late as 7 am. "No, go back to bed, it's only two. Two is NOT morning."


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## DrDavidCOlsen (Oct 7, 2012)

Holidays and Inlaws can be complicated. Too often they result in exhaustion and frustration, as opposed to relaxation.
On the other hand family traditions are extremely important and need to be respected. My suggestion is that each spouse is responsible for their own family. And then both spouses have to keep compromising so that both families are happy, and you protect time for yourselves.
For most couples this is an ongoing compromise. Good luck,
David Olsen, PHD, LMFT


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