# Is he Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde?



## StrongandYoung (Dec 8, 2011)

I am a brand new member to this and any online forum so...forgive me if I step over any unknown boundaries.
I am looking for input on my relationship that I just ended but am considering giving a second chance. Background: Met May 2010. Separated November 2011. I am 35, he is 48. I have three kids (13, 11, and 2), he has two (14 and 18, live with their mother). I have a good career, main earner, disciplined, hard-working. He does drywall work and other repairs, hard-working. He was married 20 years, divorced in 07. I was married 12 years, divorced in 07, one other serious relationship that I finally ended in March 2010. We met in a bar (I know, I know).
Okay, I'm struggling a little figuring out even where to start. When we met, neither of us was doing that great. I was unemployed at the time, he was disgruntled with his life. When I first met him, I wasn't sure where I was going with my life. I don't believe I was ready for another serious relationship but recognized he had qualities that I was drawn to. He has always known he was looking for a wife; not a serial dater, only dates to marry. Wow, this is actually a little painful to think about everything that happened forward from there.
Almost instantly I had issues trying to talk to him. I was afraid to bring things up to him; talk about things. He would immediately say that I was "starting a fight" I always thought, ??? what? I'm just trying to talk to you. My friends and family asked me: "Why does he talk to you that way?" "I thought he would hurt you", etc. Well....I had responsibility in allowing him to treat me disrespectfully at times. He is insecure, jealous, controlling, very angry. 
These are some of the things that happened in our relationship:
-He suggested to me early on to lose "about 10 lbs". I'm thin and very fit. He liked "counting ribs".
-He is insensitive with his comments and actions at times.
-His ex-wife called me names and my kids' names! He didn't think it was a big deal.
-He "suggested" a change in clothes...sexier...heels and a change in hair.
-Aggressive and controlling: turned off air conditioning in house to kids rooms because they refused to leave their doors open. Has jumped out of cars because he overreacts to things to the extreme, leaving me and the kids dumb-founded. Now...I will own that I have accused him of looking at other women...but his reaction is, for example: to walk out and sit in the car for an hour, not tell me what he's doing and be angry for the entire evening about it.
-I know there are going to be strong feelings on this one: Has been physical: grabbed me by the throat and pinned me to the floor, restrained me on the bed and other such incidents. He says I'm at fault basically, because I'm not behaving right. I don't know what he means by that. I go to work, take care of my family, work hard every day.
-One incident: We went to the Zoo. I was trying to take a picture of my little daughter and it wasn't working. He took it out of my hands. I said:"I can't do anything right. I can't hold the camera right, I can't..." I said this out of utter frustration at always feeling like I couldn't satisfy him. He LEFT and we spent our time wondering and worrying about where he was. At the end of the day he was at the exit. Just crazy.
- Another incident: We were heading to my son's baseball party. He was driving a little erratically and I said something about it. I couldn't even finish my sentence when he whipped into a gas station and jumped out and made me move over to the driver's side. He then angrily got in the passenger side. In the end, I didn't take him with us. I then never heard the end when I got back about how I should have picked him up and came back for him.
-Incident 3: I have to invite him to every work function or else he is upset. I was returning from a work luncheon with my coworker and I called him and I texted him I was on my way back. He got so angry later that I didn't call him on my way back that I heard about that incident for months.
-He had a couple of women he texted and one he talked to while he was with me. His explanation to me was, well it's not sex, it's not that big of a deal, you were giving me a hard time so what would you do? 
He has videotaped me leaving my work, called me on my way home from work and asked me where I was, then said he was right next to me on the highway (which he was)! When I met him I found a videotape of a woman walking from behind on his phone. I asked him about it and he said she permitted him to do that....it was clear that was not the case from the video. 
-He took photos of my social security cards and my bank card at one time. Says he wants them as memories...
-He took my phone (on several occasions), and drained my account when I asked him to leave "to teach me a lesson".
-He records me talking and then replays it for me later. REcords things without me knowing about it.
-I used to get so frustrated trying to talk to him! He is a very poor communicator and I was always left feeling confused and brainwashed when I was done talking to him.
-I was in another state for a month for training for my job. It was not enough to call him morning, noon, and evening. I had to call him during the time I was EATING! I refused to do this. He said he wanted me to do that so that the other people knew I was with him. I never did that.
-His last girlfriend was with him three months. He moved her into his grandmother's basement where he lived. She got pregnant, they moved out and then one day he came home and she was gone, left a note. I've seen the note and it rings the same as some of my issues with him! He tried and still does, to track and trace her and she has disappeared. She threatened him with a Protective Order initially.

A little more: He left his job in another state to move with me halfway across the country for my job about a year ago. It is my lease, my car, my job, my kids....etc. He would hold that above my head too: I gave this up for you. I actually married him in September of this year. Mainly because I felt I owed it to him...he would say it like that. Health insurance benefits....etc.
-The last incident was real bad. I'm running out of time and will have to continue later: Basically, I was trapped in the back of the car while being screamed at. He slammed on the brakes twice, I hit the back of his seat. He punched my knees twice. I tried to escape the car and in doing so, scraped up my knees real bad. That was it for me. I filed a protective order and sent him away. He has complied. 

I have tried to end this many times and asked him to leave.

I'm sure you're wondering at this point what the question is :scratchhead:

I will continue this later as there are some good points and I will explain why I am considering trying to make this work.


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## StrongandYoung (Dec 8, 2011)

oh my god that got long! Sorry!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Well from what I've read so far, I'm trying to figure out why you would want to hang onto such a toxic relationship?

What do you need that you believe you get from being with him?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm not sure what your question is but why are you deailng with him at all? Tell him to get the f-ck out of your house.

He grabbed you by the throat and hit you?? Um, why are you with him?? You can see now why his wife divorced him.

_
-Aggressive and controlling: 

Has jumped out of cars because he overreacts to things to the extreme, leaving me and the kids dumb-founded. 

-I know there are going to be strong feelings on this one: Has been physical: *grabbed me by the throat and pinned me to the floor, restrained me on the bed and other such incidents. He says I'm at fault basically, because I'm not behaving right*. I don't know what he means by that. I go to work, take care of my family, work hard every day._

Sounds like a real gem


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

StrongandYoung said:


> ... but recognized *he had qualities that I was drawn to.*
> 
> Almost instantly I had issues trying to talk to him. I was afraid to bring things up to him; talk about things. He would immediately say that I was "starting a fight"
> 
> ...


While this man may have good points, as you put it, I think the bad exceeds the good.

Initially, you were drawn to qualities in him, but almost immediately, you had issues when trying to discuss anything with him.

It's fine if you want to list his good points and reasons as to why you want to make this relationship work. You're free to post whatever you wish.

Actually, I'd be interested to know what "good points" this man has that would redeem him after he verbally, emotionally, and physically abused you numerous times. I'd also like to know why you feel this relationship may be worth salvaging. Seriously.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh wow. I missed the part about him trapping her in the car and punching her in the knees. WTF???


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I'm sure you're wondering at this point what the question is


I'm wondering what he has to do to you to stay away from him. What are your dealbreakers, or do you even have any?


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## StrongandYoung (Dec 8, 2011)

Continuation:
Here are the good parts: He is a very good step-father to my little 2-year-old - something I cherish very much and is hard to let go of. He can be verryyyy loving...cuddling, hugging, sitting close, hand holding all the time. He worships me....I am his prize basically and I have to admit that I thrive on that as much as it restricts me at times. We have incredible conversations. We enjoy the same music and activities; he will do and go along with whatever I want to do. He fulfills my emotional needs mostly.

He is very needy. We both struggle with abandonment issues from the past. Either way, I have a tendency to have high emotional needs too and he fulfills them. 

He has begged to go to counseling. He wants to make this work very badly. He is very willing to work on it. I have denied this repeatedly because I felt the issues were too immense to be addressed with counseling.

He is currently away; I sent him back to the state he came from and he's complying. I had no contact but then I broke it last night and called him. I made no promises and we had a nice, easy conversation (3 hours!) I miss him.
It was beautiful and that is why I am thinking that maybe he deserves another chance.

What are your thoughts/feelings?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

OMG! You need to RUN as fast as you can, far away from this demon of a man. No real man does this to a woman. This is abuse on ALL levels, and in front of your children? Oh HELL NO!!! 

Please find your self-respect and leave this man QUICKLY! Your life may very well depend on it one day, along with your childrens!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> He is a very good step-father to my little 2-year-old
> 
> He worships me....I am his prize basically
> 
> ...


1) A man that has tantrums the way he does, shouldn't be around your child.

2) If he really worshipped you like you think he does, he wouldn't be so abusive. And YES he is abusive.

3) If he wants to go to counseling, then he should go on his own. You should too. You both are in a bad place emotionally.

4) With the 'missing' him? You're missing the dysfunction. The drama of him. You don't know how to be alone. He's a better option than no one.

You need to be honest with yourself. You've said nothing here to redeem his qualities whatsoever. He's a very toxic and unhealthy, abusive individual with severe control issues. You on the other hand are needy and co-dependant. You're completely willing to overlook his obviously negative and damaging behavior (never mind subjecting your precious child to it) to be with him. It's like a sickness.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

StrongandYoung said:


> He worships me....I am his prize basically and I have to admit that I thrive on that as much as it restricts me at times.


This really stood out to me. Yes, he may consider you a trophy girl friend. He is also needy and has abandonment issues.

So, if you two get back together and he thinks you are eyeing some guy in a bar too much, then what? Chances are good he'll punch your lights out. After all, you are "his prize." He won you. Now he can probably do as he so desires. It sounds like, from past history, he is perfectly capable of beating the crap out of you if you get out of line. 

I don't understand your mindset that the problems are "too immense" to handle in counseling, particularly after you said you wanted to consider making this relationship work out. Both of you have serious issues. Who better to help you work them out than a licensed professional therapist?

If a man like this came into my life, I'd kick him to the curb before he knew what hit him. I'm a former battered spouse. I got the restraining order. I got the ex tossed out of the house by the state police. And I moved, leaving no forwarding address. Oh, yeah, I also divorced him and never looked back.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> -He had a couple of women he texted and one he talked to while he was with me. His explanation to me was, well it's not sex, it's not that big of a deal, you were giving me a hard time so what would you do?
> He has videotaped me leaving my work, called me on my way home from work and asked me where I was, then said he was right next to me on the highway (which he was)! When I met him I found a videotape of a woman walking from behind on his phone. I asked him about it and he said she permitted him to do that....it was clear that was not the case from the video.
> -He took photos of my social security cards and my bank card at one time. Says he wants them as memories...
> -He took my phone (on several occasions), and drained my account when I asked him to leave "to teach me a lesson".
> -He records me talking and then replays it for me later. REcords things without me knowing about it.


I can't believe that hand holding, cuddling and hugging even make up for the foolishness listed here. This is down right frightnening. :scratchhead:


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> -The last incident was real bad. I'm running out of time and will have to continue later: Basically, I was trapped in the back of the car while being screamed at. He slammed on the brakes twice, I hit the back of his seat. He punched my knees twice. I tried to escape the car and in doing so, scraped up my knees real bad. That was it for me. *I filed a protective order and sent him away.* He has complied.


You need therapy. Seriously. You need to talk to a professional about why you would consider staying in a relationship this crazy and toxic.

Why file an order of protection if you're going to go violate it anyway? You wasted the courts time and taxpayers money on that one.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I can't believe that hand holding, cuddling and hugging even make up for the foolishness listed here. This is down right frightnening. :scratchhead:


I personally would not want the man that abuses me, punches me, etc. to touch me AT ALL!


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## StrongandYoung (Dec 8, 2011)

Wow

While it is very hard to swallow....I want to say thank you.

I know I need to help myself rather than stay in toxicity. This is what I really needed.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's no wonder she says he treats her like a prize which she thrives on/feels restricted by.

Typical abuser. She is a thing to him, not a person.



A Bit Much said:


> I'm wondering what he has to do to you to stay away from him. What are your dealbreakers, or do you even have any?


:iagree:

Scary.



StrongandYoung said:


> Here are the good parts: He is a very good step-father to my little 2-year-old.




He is not a good stepfather to your daughter if he is beating up her mommy, hitting her, strangling her throat and punching her in the knees. In fact, he's your child's worst nightmare. And the thing is, you are allowing her to grow up in that environment. To me, that is abusive by default.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> He is not a good stepfather to your daughter if he is beating up her mommy, hitting her, strangling her throat and punching her in the knees. In fact, he's your child's worst nightmare.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: 200% :iagree:


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Strong&Young, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm so sorry you are going through such a painful period with your H.


> Is he Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde?


He likely is both. The behaviors you are describing are those of an emotionally unstable man who, in just 10 seconds, can flip from adoring you to hating you. This process, called "black-white thinking," occurs when a person categorizes everyone (including himself) as "all good" or "all bad." Because he cannot tolerate dealing with the gray areas in between, he will recategorize you instantly from one polar extreme (worshiping you) to the other (devaluing you) based solely on a minor comment or tone of voice. 

The behaviors you describe -- the B-W thinking, temper tantrums, verbal and physical abuse, clinging behavior, controlling nature, and lack of impulse control -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Only a professional can determine whether those traits are so severe that they meet all of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. 

Yet, even when BPD traits fall well below that level, they can make your life miserable and easily destroy a marriage. Moreover, spotting strong occurrences of the traits is not difficult. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, and inability to trust.

I therefore suggest you read my description of such traits in Maybe's thread to see if they sound very familiar. My post is at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that discussion rings a bell, I will be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources about BPD traits. Take care, Strong&Young.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Run, do not walk, away from this man....

Tell him to leave your house. If he does not call the police and have him removed. Get a restraining order against him. Get a divorce.

No cuddling and attention is worth the abuse he is dishing out. Do you really think he's a good father figure while your children see him treating you like this? 

My ex was physcially abusive. I was told by the police that if my child was hurt during one of his rages, I would lose my son.

Do you want to lose your children? Do you want them in foster care?

Protect yourself and your children.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You just dont want to leave him for some reason. You are prepared to accept anything from him. I cant understand if he is prepared to go to counselling why you refuse. Not that it would help much. 
I would advise you though if you must stay by him to at least make up a list of DONTS for him.
You really dont have to ruin yourself or suffer. I am sure he can control himself. You call yourself STRONG not exactly what I would. Sit down and talk to him. Show him what you have written here even if its not on here. I am a great believer in the written word. Hear his reply.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Mine trapped me with marriage before he showed his true self, this guys giving the OP ample warning.... To the OP, please do not marry this guy. And I would certainly not trust him around my kids, especially the young one. You don't have any ties to him. I do think you might need therapy to find out why you would put up with this from a man. I know I do for a number of reasons, but for me I'm married and its more complicated as we have kids together as well. You have nothing with this man to make you stay, get out now, he is too old and set in his destructive ways. Good luck to you and your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

P.S. if your sons dad is a part of his life, personally I would fight you for sole custody if I were the dad. You are putting his flesh and blood in harms way by being with this man. This is the kind of "stepdad" who will hurt a child for spite.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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