# A horrible thing...



## HopingtoStartOver (Dec 29, 2009)

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years and have two children together. We started very young and have grown a lot together as well as our children......

Over a year ago I found his internet history showing many dating sites, explicit youtube videos ect.- I was extremely hurt asked him if he could stop- he said yes... but he didn't. he was out alot when he wasnt working he was mostly out with friends, I always felt he put his friends above me but still loved him... all the while loosing love for myself and struggling to raise our children..

One night we went online together to a webcam chat room and saw all kinds of naked ppl & couples having "cam sex" ... the idea intrigued me and I became addicted to going onto webcam chat- finding friends at first to fill my emptiness but becoming intimate with some of these "friends" He didn't know what i was doing while he was gone ... I am a needy person the compliments these guys have me made me feel good at the time.

There is absoulutely no excuse for what I did and I know that. I dont want him to blame himself.

The horrible thing I did was I began flirting around with his sisters husband who ive always caught checking me out and making jokes... we started texting dirty messages- just like the ones I would write on internet...except during this time my bf was truly trying to connect with me- staying home all the time ect but I pushed him away telling my self I didnt love him....

I wish that was it - I wish I wouldve came clean , came to my senses before I had actual intercourse with my bf's sisters husband- who ended up telling her everything and leaving the city. It wasn't real until it came out of my mouth and now that it's real - Ive been hating myself tremendously begging God for forgiveness everyday - trying to forgive myself- I want so badly to be good person, a good mother, a good wife  He says he loves me deeply and cannot loose me hes so hurt that I havent been here (mentally, emotionally) for a year and he hasnt noticed- I hurt a lot of ppl in what I've done and I'm so scared to see what my future holds

All I want is to take it back and start over with him because I DO love him.. I just don't know if he will ever be happy with me now that I've ruined his life


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Have you investigated going to a marriage/relationship councilor, were you hooking up with the men/women you met on line?


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## HopingtoStartOver (Dec 29, 2009)

WE are definitely going to see councilor both individually and together after new year. I did not meet up in person with anyone online- but when I was with bf's brother in law was like imagining he was one of the webcam guys... pathetic, I know. But I want / need help and I am never going to hurt him again. I will not go on chat at all no matter what. It isn't worth it. I'm overwhelmed with regret and remorse everytime I look at him . I feel a lot of pressure to prove I can be good to him. I've been cleaning and cooking and washing head to toe in shower at least once a day -making sure my makeup and hair is done- I feel like if I dont do absolutely EVERYTHING I CAN that I'm not trying hard enough. He got a little upset last night and said he doesn't want me to be his "slave" , he just wants me to feel loved and to never cheat..I felt and still feel ashamed. I want to work hard to prove I'll never make a mistake like this again..


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

This is totally off base, and I am sorry to ask you this, but you said it was with his sisters husband?? How are you two going to be together with that hanging over your head constantly? Has his sister forgiven you for your role in it all? 

Best of luck honey and I truly hope that it can be worked out. Good luck with the couselor and remember to be HONEST or it won't do any good!


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

First forgive yourself and keep this as a lesson and reminder to be stronger and more aware of things in the future then id say you got to let it go and for yourself , you feel guilty cause it was wrong you felt guilty cause you do love your BF and that shows you do love him but you got to let him no what is going to turn your lights on and what you need so he can make you more interested in him and most importantly you got to remember the past is the past 

DawnD has a good point but if you love him and realize your mistakes only thing you can do is ask for forgiveness and if you get it then great if not oh well you tried and go from there time will heal them cuts but it does take time and you got to be honest with him and your self and most importantly you need to stay totally open with him as well and if he is having trust issues now you should make yourself transparent for him to build that trust for you again

but remember the lesson learned and let it make you stronger and better prepared for the future so when the next man walks buy and says WOW you look great you take it as a compliment but with no thoughts behind it other then you no you look good ..


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

HopingtoStartOver said:


> He got a little upset last night and said he doesn't want me to be his "slave" , he just wants me to feel loved and to never cheat..I felt and still feel ashamed.





beninneedofhelp said:


> First forgive yourself and keep this as a lesson and reminder to be stronger and more aware of things in the future then id say you got to let it go and for yourself , you feel guilty cause it was wrong you felt guilty cause you do love your BF and that shows you do love him but you got to let him no what is going to turn your lights on and what you need so he can make you more interested in him and most importantly you got to remember the past is the past


:iagree:

Both your husband and Ben are saying the same thing...you need to forgive yourself so you can move forward. If your husband has forgiven you and wants to move on, that is a real gift that many who've been betrayed find impossible to do...be grateful and forgive yourself.

The best way to show your husband of your remorse is to stay close to him and talk to him when you are feeling bad about the marriage rather than turning outside to fix how you feel.


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