# I am still hurting



## BrokenNEmpty (Dec 21, 2010)

Hey all, 
My ex husband and I have been divorced since march 2010 and I am still hurting. Not as the very first days but still significantly. 
Before we got married, I have known him for 5 years, then we dated for 1 and half and got married for 1 year. During the first 5 years, we were very close friend, nothing never happened as us being more than friends. Just friends and the type of friend we know will be there for each other. I thought I knew everything from his life since I was very franc to him. Even some personal stuff I didn't told him while we were friend, I immediatly told him when I felt our relationship was becoming more than a simple friendship. We spent the 1 and half year together and when we got married, everything just went down hill. I came back from our wedding with malaria and I remember me having to cook for us to eat. I know i could have refuse to do it but that was the very first days we were married and that was my fault trying to please him... but anyway. I did a lot I think for him but never had much of recognition for that. Something about him is that he says he was joking about everything hurtful he would say. I have heard sentences like "i didn't get married to cook" to" you're just lazy, we just 2 of us now, what if we start having kids? how are you going to deal with it?" Nevertheless I was still with him, divorce was not an option. I loved him, still love him I guess. 
I became a ball of nerves, losing it over minor things,even hitting him during arguments, started thinking about death, started physicly hurting myself to cope with him hurting me so much. But the thing that hurt me most was to find out he was cheater, he cheated on all his exs (except me from what he said) with this same girl and he is still friend with her and still talk to her even though we were married and even though he told me he has been cheating on over 4 of his exs with the exact same girl. I was devastated but he was not even able to see that talking with her was disrespectful toward me. 
I was wrong hitting him, I was wrong on not seing this in him, I was wrong on a lot of thing but he has never acknowledge that what he was doing was wrong and i seem to not being able to move on until he sees it. We have lots of friends in common and so far no one is able to tell me what was wrong or what was not. I have this feeling that I was not their friend, he was their friend. Do not get me wrong, they have tried to talk to us while the divorce was going on, but no one have ever told him, what you're doing is wrong. So I am the only one who actually lived through it, but now i keep thinking everything was my fault... should i cut myself from friends? please help me i am empty and broken, i am such a mess right know...


----------



## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

I am sorry you are feeling so much pain. I, like so many here know how you feel. Love can blind people to many things that may not show up for a while. It sounds like you were the recipient of verbal abuse and he may be a bit controlling.

I guess I don't really think that you should wait on anything from him.
Your statement, "he has never acknowledge that what he was doing was wrong and i seem to not being able to move on until he sees it."
After this long, it would seem that he will never say that. I am sure the mutual friends hurts because there is probably always the question of were they my friend, do they side with him?, etc.
I don't see anything wrong with making a new friend group that you can spend time with and feel comfortable with, it may be the best thing for you. It may lead to a way to help your heart mend.
It sounds like you are still close enough to many things that do not allow you to move on.

All of this is coming from someone who is just getting ready to enter into the same realm you are in now. I personally don't know how I will respond to everything.

These are just my suggestions from the outside looking in


----------

