# the issue of weight gain



## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

I have read several posts in which couples are dealing with one or both have gained weight and how it is impacting the relationship and their sex lives, attraction to your partner and such. I found this video and I love the message contained in it. "I've gained weight since I got married." (E-Male) - YouTube

How do you approach the subject of weight gain and is the topic of what is lacking (causing the need to fill with other things like food) being brought up?

Did the sex stop before the weight gain, or the other way around?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I didn't watch the video so I'm not sure what it contains.

I love the Marriage Builders program for this issue, because in their literature they consider the "need for an attractive spouse" to be a valid emotional need. If you use this program, then you both agree to fulfil each other's needs in the way your spouse wants them met. You fill out lists for each other so your spouse knows how you place priority on your own needs.

If having an attractive spouse is a high need for you, then your spouse needs to fulfill this need by staying in a healthy weight range, as well as other ways of staying attractive. This is what their site says about this particular need:

_For many, physical attractiveness can be one of the greatest sources of love units. If you have this need, an attractive person will not only get your attention, but may distract you from whatever it was you were doing. In fact, that's what may have first drawn you to your spouse -- his or her physical attractiveness. 
There are some who consider this need to be temporary and important only in the beginning of a relationship. Some feel that after a couple get to know each other better, physical attractiveness should take a back seat to deeper and more intimate needs. And I've even heard some suggest that those with a need for physical attractiveness are immature or spiritually weak -- even subhuman! 

But I don't judge important emotional needs, and I don't think you should either. The question you should ask is, what need when met deposits the most love units? If it's physical attractiveness, it should not be ignored. For many, the need for physical attractiveness not only helps create a relationship, but it continues on throughout marriage, and love units are deposited whenever the spouse is seen -- if he or she is physically attractive. 
Learn how to be an attractive spouse 

Among the various aspects of physical attractiveness, weight generally gets the most attention. Almost all of the complaints I hear regarding a spouse's loss of physical attractiveness are about being overweight. And when diet and exercise bring the spouse back to a healthy size, physical attractiveness almost always returns. However, choice of clothing, hair style, makeup, and personal hygiene also come together to make a person attractive. Since attractiveness is usually in the eyes of the beholder, you are the ultimate judge of what is attractive to you._

Here is a link to the aritcle I quoted from:

Physical Attractiveness


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Makes good sense to me.

I was very skinny and now I'm big from weight training.

My wifee was as bigger girl and now she is a much bigger girl.


I am not shy or insecure and love sex often, adventurous, etc.

My wifee is insecure, shy, only has sex when our marriage is going in the dumps, 1x month and only vanilla sex.


If you're in great shape, you are healthy, stronger, more endurance, feel better, etc.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

About a minute in on that video Brad talks about causes behind weight gain and such. I love his method to approach the subject. Getting to the root rather than addressing just the symptom.

Cuddlebug, I am thinking that as you improved yourself, your W let herself go more. Am I correct?

I bet this has to do with her increased insecurities. When you were skinny and she was bigger, you both were not where you probably wanted to be and there was comfort for her knowing that you were with her in that situation. 

As you improved, she may have felt you left her in that uncomfortable situation, making her even more uncomfortable and food is an easy way to try to compensate for her lack of self confidence. It can be a vicious cycle and a hard one to change. 

For me, it took a lot of effort to change my focus from hating the imperfections to embracing them and learning to focus on my positive features. As I do though, my confidence grows and I do more things to improve myself rather than sabotage myself.



Edited to add: I am not saying that your self improvement is bad, because it is a wonderful thing. I am just noting that her insecurity may have increased because you are now improved and she didn't transition with you.


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