# Men, what's more important... quantity or quality?



## Red_Riding_Hood (Apr 28, 2010)

To be perfectly honest, I have a low sex drive. So I want to know, is it more important to let my husband have sex with me as much as he wants and not really be into it? Or do guys prefer that women put forth more effort even if it means less sex?


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

For me if the wifes not into it(and she never is) I'd rather just masturbate and fantasize about her. If the woman is not into it it feels to much like rape and I just feel dirty after. I wish Eve had left that fu**ing apple in the tree.


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## Millania007 (Nov 16, 2009)

come on men! where are you today? I like your question Red Riding Hood, I am interested in hearing what the men have to say. I would "think" that men would prefer us to be "into it" more than just "giving it up" all the time. Quality seems more important to men but I could be wrong..


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If I was with a woman who could not/would not teach me HOW to slowly get her into the mood - that would be the end. 

And for me - if this all had to start with a long slow non sexual massage that slowly/gradually got more sexual - no problem. 

But if getting someone relaxed/with massage and then slowly doing things that turn a person on - gently caressing inside of thighs - if that would not work with a woman - I would be out. 

And - oh - I AM married to someone who has a MUCH lower drive than me. She has simply taught me how to turn her on in a way that feels nice to her. Because if she tried to limit me to her frequency - we wouldn't be on year 21. 

Just like she would tell you that if my idea of foreplay was 2 minutes of kissing before intercourse - she would never have married me.




Red_Riding_Hood said:


> To be perfectly honest, I have a low sex drive. So I want to know, is it more important to let my husband have sex with me as much as he wants and not really be into it? Or do guys prefer that women put forth more effort even if it means less sex?


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Man here. Yes quality trumps quantity.

The trick is to discover what "quality" means to each of you, then do that. (Sizzle)


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Yes, if you are going to force me to choose. . .I would say quantity.

I can remember thinking too when I was younger that not only was it quantity, but I wanted every lovemaking session to be explosive, mind-blowing, earth-shattering connecting sex.

I have "matured" a bit and it's okay if my future partner just takes one for the team 1x/week or something.

I think it's okay for a man to just enjoy his woman's body and say thanks once in awhile.

Remember. . .sex is how men love so when your mate is asking to have sex with you. . .he is trying to arrive at love. I know that's a difficult concept for women to wrap their heads around sometimes but it's true.

PS: Dr. Ruth recommends when there is a mismatch of libido to do the following:

The high libido person gets to choose to when to have sex.

The lower libido person gets to choose the position so there's more enjoyment on his/her part.

Seems like a good compromise.


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## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> If I was with a woman who could not/would not teach me HOW to slowly get her into the mood - that would be the end.
> 
> And for me - if this all had to start with a long slow non sexual massage that slowly/gradually got more sexual - no problem.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

And to the OP, I would say that I always have to laugh just a little at your point of view. One of the ways I've gotten my wife to "get it" a little more when it comes to my need for sex is by simply making her understand that her telling me that she loves me just doesn't mean all that much to me if I'm not getting laid on a pretty regular basis. This is an eye opener for her because "words of affirmation" is her #1 "language". So I usually can drive my point home better by simply asking her how she would feel if I were to ONLY tell her that I love & appreciate her once per week.....and ONLY if she started the conversation by first telling ME that she loves me & appreciates me. :scratchhead:

But to answer the original quality/quantity question.....(as MEM sort of points out) if my wife isn't making a pretty decent effort in ONE of the two areas, no amount of the other is going to make me feel anything besides a little dissatisfied and resentful. But that's just me.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Definitely quality over quantity (although both would be the best option). I would much rather have my wife have sex with me just once or twice a month if both times would be "quality" times. My wife will have sex with me about 30-40% of the time I ask her, so if I ask her enough times, I can actually have sex several times a month. The problem is, it has to be dark, she usually just drops her panties, and turns her head, laying there motionless until I am done (no kissing, foreplay, etc). It feels like "chore or obligation" sex. Its not good. I would much rather have some quality sex less often. Then just take care of myself in between those times. I think its terrible to have sex with someone who obviously doesn't really care if there having sex or not.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Both are very important, period. Quality means nothing if you have great, hot steamy sex but it only happens once a month or two (or less). And quantity might be equally unsatisfying if she lays there like a dead fish every other day. 

I think quantity can edge over quality generally speaking though. From personal experience it's frustrating that my wife can't be intimate more often even though her sex drive is lower then mine. (Sounds like this is your situation red_riding_hood).

I do a lot of loving acts for my wife and show enthusiasm when doing a lot of things I would rather not do because I love her and it's important for me to show her that. It's important for me to do things that make her happy because I want her to be happy. Make sense? So like I said it frankly pisses me off that it seems like sex can be such a 'chore' for her even though I spend a much greater percentage of our time doing things for her. I can't speak for your husband but I know for me it can get to feel like I am not a priority for her when she neglects me sexually. Another poster here said it well that saying I love you doesn't mean a lot when there isn't sex involved on a regular basis. 

I have never been able to understand why sex has to be such a big deal and a chore to some women (mine included). Take 10-15 minutes a few times a week to take care of your husband's sexual needs. If you're anything like my wife you spend more time then that daily chatting on the phone, updating your facebook profile or catching up on a soap opera (fill in your own activities here).

It really isn't fair IMO for the lower sex drive spouse to dictate how often sex is going to happen. I mean what if you decide you're only into it once every 8 weeks? Is that okay? I think a lot of it has to be decided, you can decide to act loving and just because you're not hot and bothered it doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't enjoy being sexual with your husband.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

I have to say Quality beats Quantity any day..but is there a way I can have both?:lol:
Honestly, there's been many times that I have had sex with my wife and afterwards feel frustrated because I have often felt the sex has been very one sided, and that can leave me feeling like I just took advantage of my wife...it just feels awkward..left feeling unfulfilled..
There are times though where the "animal in me" just takes over..where I just wanna rip my wife's pants of and start humping her like a dog in heat..and it's kinda funny because when that happens(I dont actually rip her pants off) it seems like she enjoys it the most...
but back to the question...and I guess quality can mean many different things for different people, what I find high quality sex may not be the same thing my wife finds high quality sex...

But..when we actually do end up having hardcore quality sex and it's both of our versions of high quality, I have to say that is the best sex there is...often I think back of my first sexual encounter with my wife and I still feel to this day that was the best sex I ever had...with the passion at such a high level, hearts beating fast..both of us sweating and not giving a crap about the surroundings..but only about each other..just being totally in the moment and enjoying it and not worrying about technique or worrying about "am I pleasing her?" or "is she ok if I touch her..here?" Damn...that's the kind of sex I'm after...


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Unfortunately, we are humans,(yes, ladies even the men ) and as humans we tend to be more aware of when have not then what we have.

So in the end whichever one you are short on will be the one drawing your attention at the time. 

I suppose if given the choice I would definitely pick quality, but would always be hoping the great quality would lead to greater quantity AS WELL.  As in she's really enjoying us together, surely she will want to enjoy this more often 

I suppose it may be a matter of balance as well...One really great time per year may not really do the trick


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Definitely..you would think that great Quality should lead to Great Quantity...however the reality is more like Great Quality=less sex because it can lead to one of you being exhausted and leaving the other frustrated because they want to experience it again but cant because their partner has no desire at that moment or any moment soon in the near future as they are too damn tired.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HOLD THE PRESSES

No way would I EVER have sex if my wife turned her head, wouldn't kiss me, didn't want any foreplay. WTF?

That is a huge slap in the face. 




russ101 said:


> Definitely quality over quantity (although both would be the best option). I would much rather have my wife have sex with me just once or twice a month if both times would be "quality" times. My wife will have sex with me about 30-40% of the time I ask her, so if I ask her enough times, I can actually have sex several times a month. The problem is, it has to be dark, she usually just drops her panties, and turns her head, laying there motionless until I am done (no kissing, foreplay, etc). It feels like "chore or obligation" sex. Its not good. I would much rather have some quality sex less often. Then just take care of myself in between those times. I think its terrible to have sex with someone who obviously doesn't really care if there having sex or not.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

http://static.oprah.com/download/pdfs/health/oz/oz_antiaging_checklist.pdf

This is what Dr. Oz recommends - 2-3X/week.

Sex is anti-aging.

It's how I bedded my last girlfriend. I told her that I was only thinking of her health and wellness and wasn't I such a peach of a guy for thinking only of her?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

I think maybe try and figure out why you have a low sex drive might be the first thing to do Red. Is it physical (low progesterone, etc)? Or is it emotional (Not enough emotional contact with hubby, etc)? Sex is just as a vital portion of marriage as all of the other tenets (Trust, emotional love, etc).

I know I'm not a Dr. or anything but to me if someone doesn't want physical intimacy with their spouse at LEAST once per week, something is wrong (emotionally, physically, etc). I always like to say if your not physically intimate with your spouse then they aren't really your spouse, but a friend. A spouse has a duty to provide both emotional and physical love to their other-half. If both needs are not fulfilled, both spouses should work together to figure out where they are falling short and what to do to fix it.


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## Red_Riding_Hood (Apr 28, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> I think maybe try and figure out why you have a low sex drive might be the first thing to do Red. Is it physical (low progesterone, etc)? Or is it emotional (Not enough emotional contact with hubby, etc)? Sex is just as a vital portion of marriage as all of the other tenets (Trust, emotional love, etc).
> 
> I know I'm not a Dr. or anything but to me if someone doesn't want physical intimacy with their spouse at LEAST once per week, something is wrong (emotionally, physically, etc). I always like to say if your not physically intimate with your spouse then they aren't really your spouse, but a friend. A spouse has a duty to provide both emotional and physical love to their other-half. If both needs are not fulfilled, both spouses should work together to figure out where they are falling short and what to do to fix it.



Thank you all for replies... I think my low sex drive is a result of physical and emotional problems. We do have sex at least once a week and I'm definatly willing to do it more, but it's SO hard to engage in something like sex when you don't want to and I get the feeling (like many of the people on here have confirmed) that my husband would prefer me to actually be into it then to just give it up all the time. I guess I'm going to have to work on some issues physically/emotionally so hopefully I can WANT sex more and make my husband happier with me.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

I think you have some good suggestions here. All I have to add is congratulations! It is wonderful of you to actually try to find a way to make it improve rather than just saying. "this is tha way it is, too bad for hubby"


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## Red_Riding_Hood (Apr 28, 2010)

OneMarriedGuy said:


> I think you have some good suggestions here. All I have to add is congratulations! It is wonderful of you to actually try to find a way to make it improve rather than just saying. "this is tha way it is, too bad for hubby"


thanks so much, its really nice to be acknowledged for effort... 

on a side note.. this morning it was like my husband read my mind about this and he really made an effort to turn me on nice and slow and we had great sex. I think that I finally have a way to talk to husband about this without worrying about hurting his feelings/ego/manhood. I'm just going to be like, I really liked the way you touched me and turned me on this morning, maybe if we could have more encounters like that then I would be more into it and want to do it more.

Do you guys think that sounds ok?
Thanks


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

RRH,
That is beautiful - and as a man I will tell you that if he doesn't fully get it the first time you tell him - tell him again. Part of having a strong marriage is the higher drive spouse learning how to help the lower drive spouse enjoy sex even when they don't start out in the mood. 

I truly love having my wife lie on the bed on her stomach while I slowly and patiently massage and tease her. 
- finger tips
- finger nails
- palms
- knuckles 
- forearm
- lips
- tongue
- teeth

Light pressure, medium pressure, slow or medium speed. That combination of fingers, arms, mouth means that it doesn't get repetitive or boring. And I like taking my time - almost always she is the one saying - stop teasing and start kissing me. 

But in the very beginning - it is purely nice and relaxing and non sexual. AND on many nights when I know she is physically/emotionally wiped I do the full deal in a non sexual way just to be nice. 

Just like some nights she just finds a way to be there for me because she knows I need her. If you both truly put each others needs first you end up having inverted arguments. 

When we argue about sex it sounds like this:
Her: Do you want to connect to night?
Me: You are tired - lets snuggle and watch glee
Her: I am not that tired
Me: Lets connect tomorrow night
Her: I don't want to be one of "those wives"
Me: Laughing "not even close baby"






Red_Riding_Hood said:


> thanks so much, its really nice to be acknowledged for effort...
> 
> on a side note.. this morning it was like my husband read my mind about this and he really made an effort to turn me on nice and slow and we had great sex. I think that I finally have a way to talk to husband about this without worrying about hurting his feelings/ego/manhood. I'm just going to be like, I really liked the way you touched me and turned me on this morning, maybe if we could have more encounters like that then I would be more into it and want to do it more.
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> Part of having a strong marriage is the higher drive spouse learning how to help the lower drive spouse enjoy sex even when they don't start out in the mood.


 Totally and Utterly agree on this statement. I have been the higher drive spouse now for almost 2 years. I have learned ALOT on here to "spice things up" plus reading many books - how to keep him pleasurably happy & satisfied- ultimately get him where I want him - almost nightly. And he gets what he wants too, even if it was not as heavily on his mind -at first. 


Sooooo very important for the lower drive spouse to also enthuastically want/strive for this connection as well -even if your hormones are not as HIGH & Erotic as your spouses, just being willing to be persued, willing to get there when the other "feels" the need. This can really deepen the Intimacy and love between 2 people and open the communication barriers too, if they need opened. 

I applaud your efforts Red Riding Hood --YES! Do tell him when he is turning you on in pleasurable ways, never be silent ! All that encouaging affirmation can go a loooonnnnggg way in him continuing to Do what works FOR YOU, which is helping him out too.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

RRR, let him know you enjoyed it...as a man I really want my wife to tell me what she likes and what she doesn't like..but she's not the type who will be open to talk about sex, if you can be open about it to him it'll make a big difference to him..I'm a guy, and I suck at reading my wife


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

One more thing about the full body massage. 

You can play a "pleasure mapping" game. He does 2 different things to you like
1. a light scratch up and down your spine (and says "better 1?")
2. medium pressure palm up and down your spine ("or better 2")

And you say better 1, and then he does some other pair of touches. You can also say "tied" if you really like both. 

This is a fun game and teaches him in a nice way how you like to be touched. 

The other alternative is YOU give him exactly the massage you want HIM to give YOU. And right after you finish he needs to show he learned the lesson by echoing it back at you. 

FYI: I consider myself very very skilled at this game after playing for 2 decades. Still my wife is the sensei. She is able to massage the very center of my palm with her fingers - and the ball of my foot with her fingers - and by doing EITHER of those things she can make me totally hard. Lots of nerves in your hands/feet so massaging someone elses hands and feet can be very erotic for them. 




Red_Riding_Hood said:


> thanks so much, its really nice to be acknowledged for effort...
> 
> on a side note.. this morning it was like my husband read my mind about this and he really made an effort to turn me on nice and slow and we had great sex. I think that I finally have a way to talk to husband about this without worrying about hurting his feelings/ego/manhood. I'm just going to be like, I really liked the way you touched me and turned me on this morning, maybe if we could have more encounters like that then I would be more into it and want to do it more.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

RRH,
SA has about the best mindset about sex of any woman on the board. She is actually a lot like my wife in the way she thinks. 




SimplyAmorous said:


> Totally and Utterly agree on this statement. I have been the higher drive spouse now for almost 2 years. I have learned ALOT on here to "spice things up" plus reading many books - how to keep him pleasurably happy & satisfied- ultimately get him where I want him - almost nightly. And he gets what he wants too, even if it was not as heavily on his mind -at first.
> 
> 
> Sooooo very important for the lower drive spouse to also enthuastically want/strive for this connection as well -even if your hormones are not as HIGH & Erotic as your spouses, just being willing to be persued, willing to get there when the other "feels" the need. This can really deepen the Intimacy and love between 2 people and open the communication barriers too, if they need opened.
> ...


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## danny (May 2, 2010)

Quantity or quality.....?

Depends on the circumstance.

If it's 6:30am and we both have to be up and out of the house in 45 minutes neither of us are expecting to feel the earth tremble but we are both looking to get some physical intimacy before going out to deal with a pretty awful world.

On the other hand if we have both had really long work weeks with no intimacy and we both feel like maybe the other one wasn't trying hard enough to get nekkid then you can bet the Saturday morning physical reunification is gonna rattle the bedframe and that no one will leave the sheets unsatisfied. That's when the quality is worth so much more than quantity !


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## comtnman (May 11, 2010)

If it means more then once a year, then I guess either would be great in my opinion.

< is it my birthday yet, no that's in July. My bad, we did it for my brithday last year so it's Christmas this year.>

Sorry for the rant to myself.


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## Red_Riding_Hood (Apr 28, 2010)

comtnman said:


> If it means more then once a year, then I guess either would be great in my opinion.
> 
> < is it my birthday yet, no that's in July. My bad, we did it for my brithday last year so it's Christmas this year.>
> 
> Sorry for the rant to myself.


Hey I'd be ranting to myself too if I only had sex once a year


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## sooner2000 (Feb 11, 2010)

Longtime Husband said:


> : So I usually can drive my point home better by simply asking her how she would feel if I were to ONLY tell her that I love & appreciate her once per week.....and ONLY if she started the conversation by first telling ME that she loves me & appreciates me. :scratchhead:


Very good analogy.


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## sooner2000 (Feb 11, 2010)

mike1 said:


> Both are very important, period. Quality means nothing if you have great, hot steamy sex but it only happens once a month or two (or less). And quantity might be equally unsatisfying if she lays there like a dead fish every other day.


:iagree:

I think it's a balancing act. I personally prefer quality over quantity, but only to the extent that I get that every few days. If my wife told me that I got the best mind-blowing sex ever once a week, but that was it, then I don't know if I could do that. Maybe for a while, but my need for physical intimacy from my wife would eventually need more than that. My drive has me craving her about every 2-3 days.


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## spanky57 (May 14, 2010)

Personally, I like both quality and quantity! Unfortunately, for me I didn't marry someone that ever felt either way. I do applaud those of you that even contemplate pleasing your mate to save the marriage. When my wife is in the mood (on avg about once every other month) the sex is very good for her because I have a lot of energy! Dear Red, I think you're on the right track....stay with it or your husband will become what I have and that's not good...apathy in marriage is most certainly doom for both of you. I have been married 28 years and I stay for the kids (got one left) and after that I'll most likely move on...pity because I've always been in love with my wife. And, Married Guy...good for you man...it's inspiring to read your feedback. Best regards to all for a SEX filled future and ultimately a happy life!


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## Red_Riding_Hood (Apr 28, 2010)

Originally Posted by Longtime Husband 
: So I usually can drive my point home better by simply asking her how she would feel if I were to ONLY tell her that I love & appreciate her once per week.....and ONLY if she started the conversation by first telling ME that she loves me & appreciates me



sooner2000 said:


> Very good analogy.


very good point... but my husband never tells me he appreciates me, so I can't really go by that or he'd never get sex lol


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