# How to deal with a wife who is sharing private details



## 22emre (Apr 13, 2013)

Hi all,

We are both 34 years old and married for 13 years. I am trying to deal with a problem which is started more than 1 month ago. I won't go into too much details now. 


She is a childminder and too close to one of the parents. We are trying to sort it out. I lost all my trust so I am spying on her. I am a computer programmer and i made an app and installed on her phone. It is recording everything using the mic. She doesn't know anything about it.


My problem is since this problem started over a month ago, I told her not to share our private details with her friends. We had this discussion about 5-6 times and every time she promises and swears that she won't do but she never ever keeps her promise.

I am keep telling her that i heard her conversation. I can`t tell her that i am spying on her.

She keeps telling her friends everything about our private life. Every discussion we have especially about this parent. She told 4-5 different friends at different time in last 20 days.

I even told her if she doesn`t stop this i will leave her but it does not work. She is keep doing it.

She is only telling the parts she things she is right. She is not telling the whole story, not from my point of view anyway.

I need some suggestions. How can I deal with this situation?

Thanks all.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How about stop putting down boundaries and then not enforcing them? All that's doing is teaching her that you can safely be ignored, as well as draining away any respect she has for you.

C


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You started bugging your wife due to her over familiarity with one of the fathers of the children she minds.

You then discovered she has a big mouth.

You can't tell her she's bugged and I'm assuming nothing has come up in your search about her interest in the father.

Stop bugging her as now you're just being creepy.
Disable the app if you haven't found anything wrong about the interest in the father.

You're going to have to decide if you can live with a woman who blabs your life from a skewed perspective to everyone she meets.

She won't change and you drew the boundary.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Exactly, if your gonna threaten leaving, then don't, its not much of a threat.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Maybe you only discovered this unflattering trait but you've been married to her for 13 years, so, for 13 years she has been sharing details of your conversations with her. She didn't adopt a new character in the last month. 
This is who you married and she's been good enough to keep for 13 years. I doubt you will find many women who won't share most details of any heavy conversations you have with them. I'd just be more careful about what I said in her presence. My wife never heard anything that she hasn't repeated within the hour. It's like living with a CNN reporter.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Agree with others that there must be some type of consequences if she keeps violating boundaries she's agreed to.

Also, I think you need to temper this a bit depending on the type of information she's disclosing to others.

My wife at times has a way of leaving out small bits of information from stories that sometimes put others in a slightly bad light when there are pieces missing or misquoted but I know she doesn't do this on purpose


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

If YOUR married life and YOUR private matters are important to you, (dumb statement, but go with me here) then your W needs to know this. What's that? You've told her this?? Then it's time to evaluate if what is private to you is more important then your M. It's pretty apparent that your W refuses to listen to your concerns and continues to disrespect you. 

Three choices:

1) Real consequences for her disrespect of her M to you.

2) Just deal with it.

3) D and keep your private details to yourself.

Tough call here guy, but the choice is yours. Remember, if she won't start respecting you, something that may embarrass you (or your M) will be divulged to someone with whom you don't want your private details shared with. Bounce a check? = friends know... Can't get it up one night? = friends know... Get a ticket/fine? = friends know... you see my point, now imagine if something really major gets out with your W's 'slant' on things? = friends know!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I find it very creepy that you are recording your wife without her knowing about it. Only on TAM is it acceptable to suddenly start recording your spouse that way. What made you decide that it was ok to record her secretly?

If she's talking to someone and she's giving her side of it, guess what..that's what people do. People generally tell things from their point of view. What exactly is she telling people that you object to? It's hard to know what to tell you because you are so vague in what you have said. You say you've lost trust in her. Ok, but why did you lose trust? You say she gives private details to others. Ok, but what private details? Is she talking about your sex life? Your financial life? Conversations you've had with her? What? Some things you might consider private may in her mind be harmless details ,but without knowing what she's saying it's hard to know if you're overreacting or if she's truly got a big mouth as you say she does.

If you want people to really help you, please expand on your original post so that we have some understanding of the situation.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

22emre said:


> She is a childminder and too close to one of the parents. We are trying to sort it out.


What is to sort out? Get rid of the guy. Call him up and tell him to take his business elsewhere. If your wife won't do it, do it for her. Problem solved.



> She keeps telling her friends everything about our private life. Every discussion we have especially about this parent. She told 4-5 different friends at different time in last 20 days.


As others have said, this isn't new. And it isn't particular to your wife. Your situation is called "being married to a woman." Women like to talk about their private lives.

I have two possible suggestions. First, you could fight fire with fire. Tell your wife's friends about all her embarrassing secrets. Tell them about the last time you had Indian food and her gas was so bad you had to go sleep in your car. I don't suggest that tactic. She probably already tells her friends much of that. Also, it looks weak. You're obviously doing it because she has hurt your feelings.

Your second option is to simply live your life around your wife like it's on the record. Don't tell her secrets. Period. If she asks why you're not as intimate with her as you used to be, tell her the truth. Tell her that you've accepted that she is going to share every secret you tell her with all her friends, so you've decided to stop sharing secrets with her. And then just go about your day as if it's not a big deal.

Don't admit to her that you are recording her.

Good luck.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Coffee Amore said:


> I find it very creepy that you are recording your wife without her knowing about it. Only on TAM is it acceptable to suddenly start recording your spouse that way. What made you decide that it was ok to record her secretly?


You missed the part where his wife is behaving inappropriately with another man. Recording your spouse is absolutely a valid tactic to prevent him or her from blowing up your marriage.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Your second option is to simply live your life around your wife like it's on the record. Don't tell her secrets. Period. If she asks why you're not as intimate with her as you used to be, tell her the truth. Tell her that you've accepted that she is going to share every secret you tell her with all her friends, so you've decided to stop sharing secrets with her. And then just go about your day as if it's not a big deal.


One change to this advice I would make is to tell her up front about your plan. Since you accept that everything you tell her will go to others, you will only tell her things that you don't mind her telling. That is the consequence of her lack of discretion.


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## twin (Feb 24, 2013)

My wife never heard anything that she hasn't repeated within the hour. It's like living with a CNN reporter.[/QUOTE]
Hahaha. Too funny. I'm a woman, and I vent to my girlfriends all the time, and they get my side of the story. My husband doesn't care because they are my friends. My husband also talks to the guys, and they get his version. I don't care what he tells his male friends about me. Friends know they are only getting one side of the story, they are there for support. 3 sides to every story, his, hers, and the truth. I would be more worried about the OM. My husband has a female friend that is an issue in our marriage, if all I found spying was him talking about me to his guy friends, I would be grateful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Ok so basically this is a repost of this thread :

http://images.mylot.com/userImages/images/postphotos/2401089.jpg

Basically she is binding with this guy way more than a professional relationship. So the OP speaks to her about it and wants her to stop having ling conversations with him and so on.

His wife says the guy is just a friend. His wife tells others about her husbands jealousy. Her friends make fun of her husband. He has asked his wife to cut down on her interacting with this guy but again goes out of her way to rub it in his face. 

So the wife seems to have an arguably growing inappropriate relationship with this guy. So he had every reason to investigate.

I think what he needs to do is to insist his wife break the services she provides in child care with this guy. Moreover that she go NC with the guy period.

How inappropriate her relationship is hard to tell. However she is rubbing it in her husbands face and offering him up for ridicule to others. Extremely disrespectful in multiple ways.

I think if she does not comply he needs to man up and follow through on his threats.

This seems less about her sharing too much information and more about the wife manipulating her husband via ridicule. But really this is just a variation on the jealous, insecure and controlling that some women use on their husbands who feel their wives are crossing boundaries.

If she complies and wishes to stop this possibly developing EA then I suggest you both do His Needs Her Needs together. For sure set some better boundaries.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> You missed the part where his wife is behaving inappropriately with another man. Recording your spouse is absolutely a valid tactic to prevent him or her from blowing up your marriage.


Agreed but he started recording to see if there was anything going on with that man weeks ago.

By now he knows there isn't and should uninstall the app as he's now just obsessing over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Idunno, it sounds like he has plebty of info to ask her to sever the relationship. Just my opinion. I would based on what he says. But then again my wife would not do that stuff to me in the first place.


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