# am at a loss



## isitlost (Sep 1, 2014)

Ok here goes, I found out last week that my wife of 12 yrs (we've been together 22) has been having an affair with a casual friend we both new he has 3 kids we have no kids. the affair has been going on for a couple of months, I cant believe I didn't read the signs, she would make excuses to go out withdrew both emotionally and sexually, always on face book put a code on her phone (saying in case it got stolen) when she told me (because the so called friends wife found out) she said she wasn't in love with me any more. I flew of the handle I said she should go, she packed left and went to a hotel to be with him, for the next 3 days she stayed there, till he left to go back to his wife to see his kids there all in early teens his wife wants to try again but he said he was just going back to see the kids ( stringing his wife along). I still love her and think its worth trying to save our marriage, but I am so hurt and wounded, I cant get the images of them together out my head, all the lies, my whole world is in turmoil. she came back at the weekend to look after the cats as I was going to stay with a friend for the night we talked, went for a meal, and she now says she's staying with a friend till she decides what to do. We've cut all contact and she said the same to him two. I keep vacillating between wanting her back and thinking maybe it best to end it know. am at a loss.


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

I am really sorry you are here,

IMO you should do this.

1.	Expose to everybody (family and friends, if OM is not a coworker then no expose to her job it could affect alimony if any), of course she will be mad, but it is very important so she not get sympathies for the affair.

2.	Get her serve, notice that it doesn't mean that is already Divorce, you can stop the process after serve her. This is important so she gets a bit of reality because now she is in the “fog” where the power of love for OMPOS (other men piece of ****) lives freely among rainbows and unicorns. When she gets a bit of consequences for her actions she may be slap out the fog.

3.	Do 180 hard, this is technic is for detaching from her, it is about you but sometimes makes cheaters get out the fog (dont count on it)

4.	Try to move on, this is the best way even if R or D in the future.

Notice that R is not for everybody, even if she does all the right things, so be prepared.

Keep reading (other cases to learn) venting and updating for advise, you are in the right place.

Good luck


----------



## isitlost (Sep 1, 2014)

I have told most of friends etc. am getting fed up of endlessly repeating myself. I do worry I will never trust her again, she had an infatuation with a work colleague much younger than her before we got married, said they did no more than kiss. I wonder now. its all the images of the love of my life giving herself to another man just cuts me up.


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

isitlost said:


> I have told most of friends etc. am getting fed up of endlessly repeating myself. I do worry I will never trust her again,* she had an infatuation with a work colleague much younger than her before we got married, said they did no more than kiss*. I wonder now. its all the images of the love of my life giving herself to another man just cuts me up.


Make a letter and sent it to FB friends hers, yours and common, her family, yours, etc.
Well she seems to be a serial cheater! cheaters lie so...

At this point you need to improve yourself PRONTO, that's why you should do 180. besides go to gym, eat well, try to sleep.

You should get some IC help.

And you really need to serve her for divorce ASAP. this will bring reality to her head.
Anyhow you should really avoid talking to her at all.

_Q: What is 180 and how does it work? Submitted by Making It 
A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it) 

So here's the list: 

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 
No frequent phone calls. 
Don't point out "good points" in marriage. 
Don't follow her/him around the house. 
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. 
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. 
Don't ask for reassurances. 
Don't buy or give gifts. 
Don't schedule dates together. 
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. 
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! 
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. 
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! 
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! 
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. 
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! 
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. 
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. 
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! 
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! 
Don't be overly enthusiastic. 
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! 
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! 
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. 
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. 
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. 
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. 
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. 
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! 
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. 
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" 
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. 
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa) _


----------



## isitlost (Sep 1, 2014)

your advise is great. she's gone of to decide what to do, go with him or come back to me and we start major MC or thearapy together. I just worry I wont be able to trust her if she does come back.


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

isitlost said:


> your advise is great. *she's gone of to decide what to do,* go with him or come back to me and we start major MC or thearapy together. I just worry I wont be able to trust her if she does come back.


Sorry but NO!!

She walked away, she is not allowed to decide to R, NO, NO and NO.

There is a simple explanation why the last call is yours.

As you see now, she has already look out the relation, this is because she is looking for another mate. Every time she comes back to you is because she has taken you for granted, you are the secure net, so if things dont go well she can always come back to you....you are PLAN B!!!

The thing is if you are Plan B, there is alway a Plan A out there, this will happened again and again.

So, you are the one that decide if R or not, it should be decided upon she willing to do all the right things to gain his Hubby back. Not just wauitting if OM is going back to his wife!!!!

R is not a must, every day in R is a gift you give to her. and there are not warranties you can ever trust her again.

Another thing, if she is the one that decides to R, she will never do the work needed to heal you.


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

I am pretty sure that if you go dark and start 180 (it must be done properly, this is the only way it works), and let her know that your already have a lawyer appointment (dont lie get one PRONTO) for D, she will breakdown and will try to go home in a blink.

You may think that doing as I say you will be pushing her to OM but consider that if she runs at the minimum sign that you are mad or hurt how the f*ck is she going to rebuilt your trust in R.

Another thing, keep contact with ONE (other man's wife) to see if your wife is deciding to come home because OM is deciding to go home with her wife. This is totally a deal breaker!!

So do 180, tell her that you are not sure you want her back, that what she has done is a deal breaker. Then look for legal advice.

The leading hand in this mess is yours not hers.

When you get control back you will see things very different.

Another thing, she must probe to you far beyond any doubt that she is willing to do everything to get you back, if not you will be in a fake R and everything will be worse.

She broke it, she fix it. It is the only way


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

There is a lot of good people that will help you here at TAM, most of them are in american time so wait a bit and you will get much more feedback and other opinions.

You are not alone


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Suspecting 2014 is right. You are now in the drivers seat 100 percent. She gets to make no decisions on what you want to do.

My advice? I usually suggest divorce, to those couples that do not have kids. Why go through all the work, all the hassle, all the heartache and tears over a lousy piece of a$$? There are many other fish in the sea, the majority of which will not cheat on you.

How do you want to spend the next 22 years? Wondering if she is out boinking another dude when she is 5 minutes late to work? Or worse yet another of your friends? PS They cheat once? More likely to cheat again.

No kids? Move on. Sorry she did this to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

isitlost said:


> I have told most of friends etc. am getting fed up of endlessly repeating myself. I do worry I will never trust her again, she had an infatuation with a work colleague much younger than her before we got married, said they did no more than kiss. I wonder now. its all the images of the love of my life giving herself to another man just cuts me up.


Annnnddddd now I just read this. So this wasn't a one-off. She has a history and track record of cheating on you. 

I now double down on the above advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Seems to me that when your wife tires of you she seeks her comfort in other mens arms. As such, you are correct that trust is lost forever. Without trust there can be no genuine love or respect. That's no way to live. I mean, you can reconcile but based on your posts it's nearly impossible to think you two will ever find happiness together.

A sad situation.


----------



## isitlost (Sep 1, 2014)

thanks for all your advise its a god send, things are happening fast. when I saw her yesterday she said she wouldn't contact me or him, guess what she phoned him 6 times today already, the reason I know is her phone contract is with me so I've found the guys number on the online bill, I spoke to her and she said she's made her decision and she's not coming back. she's coming round tonight to talk. its over and part of me is relieved any advise re tonight?.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Sorry man.

You don't need to even talk to her if you don't want to. What's there to talk about? How she is deceitful? You already know this. She probably wants to give you a laundry list of the things you have done wrong. You didn't give her enough attention. You worked too much. You leave dirty dishes in the sink. And on and on.

Keep her visit short and to the point. Make sure she doesn't grab anything of value. She can get her clothes, etc.

Do you guys own or rent a house? Do both of you work? Is there a big income disparity? These are the issues that need to be addressed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## isitlost (Sep 1, 2014)

I feel a slight sense of relief in the mix of s*** emotions that are swirling round my head. a week ago my life felt normal now I am facing coming home to an empty house night after night I do feel so sad.


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

isitlost said:


> thanks for all your advise its a god send, things are happening fast. when I saw her yesterday she said she wouldn't contact me or him, guess what she phoned him 6 times today already, the reason I know is her phone contract is with me so I've found the guys number on the online bill, I spoke to her and she said she's made her decision and she's not coming back. she's coming round tonight to talk. its over and part of me is relieved any advise re tonight?.


Talk about what??

She is going to see you so she make sure you are plan B.

Tell her that thanks but there is no need to come to talk, that she should talk to your lawyer. If she needs something she must send and email to you, not calling.

Follow this steps:
1.- Change lock
2.- Split any current bank account.
3 .- Cancel credit cards that you are paying.
4.- Go dark
5.- Talk to a lawyer

Get this all done for yesterday.

And please dont talk to her there is nothing to talk about.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

isitlost said:


> I feel a slight sense of relief in the mix of s*** emotions that are swirling round my head. a week ago my life felt normal now I am facing coming home to an empty house night after night I do feel so sad.


All that a Normal and will continue for a while . Lean on friends and family for support. Do you have any pets? 

There are MANY guys on here that contribute to this site regularly. Very similar situation as you. Once through the process they have never been happier. You will find yourself regularly "dating" and you can leave a stack of dishes in the sink if you want to 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Trust us, at this point you have nothing to lose!


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Great point. Get your money out of that account NOW. 50 percent of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

What kind of a woman would treat a husband this way? Not the kind you'd want around, probably.

Similarly, those are tons of women out there that have had it with childish and stupid men, and are likely dying to find a man with some integrity.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Suspecting2014 said:


> Sorry but NO!!
> 
> She walked away, she is not allowed to decide to R, NO, NO and NO.
> 
> ...


OP, 

This is what happened to me... It wasnt me that decided... I was too emotionally a basket case to make any decisions, and it became hub, the one cheated, that lead the way... it all flipped and my life has been a mess since. The guilt was placed on me eventually that I was the unforgivable one. The cruel one, the one who couldn't forgive. I'm 3 years out and it is still a mess. I still loved and still do love my husband, but R is almost impossible because I still cant take control of my own life or make the R be in my own hands instead of his... dont let this happen to you. 

~sammy


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Isitlost

You have gotten some solid advice so far.

At this time your wayward wife has chosen to leave you.

Know this. A year from now your life will be so much better.

Your wife is a liar and a cheater. She has obviously continued to make bad decisions.

So at this time save yourself the heart ache and just go dark on her.

Tell her you have nothing to talk about at this time and she can deal with your attorney to finalize the divorce.

Secure all your assets and finances.

Do it tomorrow right after the holiday.

Because you do not need a woman like this trying to be your friend or ending the marriage amicably.

That ship has sailed.

Keep posting. keep cool. There are much better women, more stable women out there.

Go find one!

HM


----------



## isitlost (Sep 1, 2014)

I'm in process as we speak of getting a lawyer, how long should I give her to get her stuff out.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I'd give her a week (full weekend). She can rent a storage unit if need be.

What you don't want/need is her coming by here and there, grab a bag, come back tomorrow.... She should get it all out at once.

Do you own your own house or rent?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## isitlost (Sep 1, 2014)

we own our own house which we've paid for evenly, but it complicated because we have loans with both parents. I will see a lawyer later this week. F***ing mess


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

How old are you and your wife?

How old is the OM?

Do both of your parents know about her Affair, that she moved out and has chosen to divorce you?


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

isitlost said:


> I'm in process as we speak of getting a lawyer, how long should I give her to get her stuff out.


Tell her a week, but ask your lawyer. 
Do not talk to her, every communications must be written.
She was calling om while she was making you wait... Keep this in mind and go dark. Do not talk to her tonight.
As she chose om than you for second time don't talk to her about divorse, just don't talk to her. Time is an advantage. Let her know about the affair when she get serve
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

isitlost said:


> I'm in process as we speak of getting a lawyer, how long should I give her to get her stuff out.


Tell her a week, but ask your lawyer. 
Do not talk to her, every communications must be written.
She was calling om while she was making you wait... Keep this in mind and go dark. Do not talk to her tonight.
As she chose om than you for second time don't talk to her about divorse, just don't talk to her. Time is an advantage. Let her know about the divorse when she get serve
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Talk to the lawyer about the house, if u want to stay can you afford to stay? I assume the loans with the parents aren't directly/legally tied to the house? If so that complicates matters. But speak to your attorney.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

isitlost said:


> we own our own house which we've paid for evenly, but it complicated because we have loans with both parents. I will see a lawyer later this week. F***ing mess


Also make a bill list for her to pay, her phone, her car, etc. Bills to split, etc. 
Send it by email and make the arragements
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

isitlost said:


> I'm in process as we speak of getting a lawyer, how long should I give her to get her stuff out.


 How long? If I were you, I would give her a first class example of how life will be and I would go to a big box store, buy boxes and and have some of her stuff packed up already and sitting in the garage or driveway when she comes over.

She screwed up once before and you forgave her and she did it again so you don't need to handle her with kid gloves care because she handling you with clenched fists. 

Tell her to have her stuff out of the house in a week and say nothing more to her. 

She started this mess and you don't owe her any explanation. Just get a good lawyer and let him do your talking. That's why they get the big bucks. 

All in all, she told you how she feels so any further discussions would be a waste of time. There's no kids involved so listen to your lawyer and get her out of your life and move on. You have support here so don't be bashful so if you need advice or support you know where to go. Good luck to you.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

No kids?

RUN!!! GTFO!!!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Having been thru this crap my self...let me tell you...when you meet to night do not cry or beg for this marriage, you will feel like crap.

No matter how hard she cries if you can't hold it together walk away.

Nothing is going to get settled tonite any way so don't think you have to "work this out"

Trust me when I say this "just let her go" it just might save your marriage...chicks dig confident guys, so smile wish her the best and make it very clear that you will no longer share your wife!

Stay calm, be pleasent and again wish her the best and inform her that you will not toloerate the emotional torture by trying to win her back.

Again trust me in order to get her to think twice about what she is losing she has to *believe* you can let her go. If you want to get her to second guess her self you have to make her think you are stong enough to let her go.

IMHO any other tactic will push her away, validate her choices and leaving you feeling like sh1t.

Ya I know your hurting so was I but I'll be dambed if I was going to let my wife's bull crap define me. Her adultery is all on her and I was history...it was up to my wife to either keep up or phuck off.

Just a reminder..."chicks dig confident men" no begging or crying tonite...no matter what!

Promise?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Also there is a cheater script.

Chapter one is all the same crap I/we here have heard time again, "working late", "out with the girls", "just friends", and so on and so on.

Chapter two is all the blameshifting I/we here have heard from our wayward spouse, "you neglected me", not enough attention", you aren't there for me", and so on and so on.

So be prepared to hear all this crap...but at the end of the day your old lady made a choice in how to hand *her* troubled marriage....instead of divorcing she choose to lie, deceive and betrayal....all that crap is on her.


BTW. she doing damage control by staying with a friend. This affair is still going strong. Affairs are addicting so don't fall into the limbo trap until you can confirm OM is out of the picture completely.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I predict it won't be long until she realizes how badly she has messed up! Sounds like the boyfriend is still working things out with his wife. This being the case, why is she leaving you. She's gotta know that he's most probably a lost cause. She very well may try and work her way back into your life. Just understand, you'll always be second choice, nothing more than a back-up plan. Don't fall for it. Just walk away and find someone better for you. You sound very young. This is NOT the end of your life. Good luck to you. :toast:


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

As for the trust, on here they say it takes yrs !!!

What you should be doing is getting ready to be a hot bachlor for those pretty young things that want a sugar daddy; LOL. I know I know, but a lil humor helps.


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I am sorry that you are in this situation, but everything from this point forward is a business transaction. Sell the house, split the proceeds, you have your profits, she has hers. As of the day she fessed up is the day that your debts should be your debts and her debts become yours. She is no longer your wife, friend, buddy or pal. She is a business partner with whom you own joint property. Spit it and get her out of your life. 

The fact is there is no relationship to recover unless she confesses everything, surrenders media, devices and passwords and is remorseful of the things she has done. Don't waste your time trying to talk her back, it only makes you look weak and never works. It's messed up, but the best revenge you can take is to go live a great life without her.


----------



## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

OP: You've gotten all the good advice you need. 

She says she's made up her mind? You tell her goodbye and good luck. Exactly what you said: you'll not go through the emotional torture of wanting her back when she's so obviously f**king another man. 

Don't listen to her blame-shifting or any hesitations on her part. You didn't cheat, she did. It was her choice no matter what she says about her reasons (or why you made her do it). She's out. Set a firm date, tell her to have her stuff moved out by then, and protect your assets ASAP.

If he' so much better for her than you, than let her go live with him while he's busy cleaning up the mess he just made in his own family.

Chin up bro.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

See your doctor for STD tests and also to arrange for therapy.

Also, tell his wife.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

isitlost said:


> I spoke to her and she said she's made her decision and she's not coming back. she's coming round tonight to talk. its over and part of me is relieved any advise re tonight?.


isitlost,

She has made this decision and you are going along with it, if she changes her mind in 2 weeks I suspect you will go along with that as well.

My advice is do not entrust your future to someone who considers you an "option"? Make this your decision to finally be done with her.

She has cheated on you twice, have some personal resolve this time and don't be so self-sacrificing.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Decorum is dead on.......you get to sit there upset while she gets to decide if she wants to stay married to you...that is a powerful statement of a truly narcissistic individual...you get to sit there and hope she picks you...would you want to stay in a relationship with someone like that.....walk away hurt but walk away with your dignity while she walks away in shame.....but do not let her back in your life or you will always be in doubt and always be plan B.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Tell her there is absolutely nothing you wish to talk with her about....not now, not ever...you just want her out of your life forever ASAP.

Expose the A to both your families. inform OMW that her POS WH is stringing her along and the A is continuing, and then file for D.

After that go dark on her...only ever talk to her when it is absolutely necessary for the D proceedings.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> Expose the A to both your families. inform OMW that her POS WH is stringing her along and the A is continuing, and then file for D.


This is very important to do.

Do not let the OMW know how you know this, just that you do.

No begging. No crying.

Good Luck.


----------



## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

*Re: Re: am at a loss*



6301 said:


> How long? If I were you, I would give her a first class example of how life will be and I would go to a big box store, buy boxes and and have some of her stuff packed up already and sitting in the garage or driveway when she comes over.
> 
> She screwed up once before and you forgave her and she did it again so you don't need to handle her with kid gloves care because she handling you with clenched fists.
> 
> ...


This


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

You’re obviously plan B. She didn’t want to cut you loose until she had the OM nailed down. 

She had the time of her life in the hotel room for three days with the OM and it wasn’t just the sex. She was shopping. Which man did she want? What could each man offer her? If you’ve ever seen the TV show “House Hunters” it was like that. One house in the perfect location while the other house has an attached garage. Women love shopping.

You should use the fact the she wants to begin her life with the OM as soon as possible to your advantage. Maybe she will give you better terms for a quick divorce. 

It will be interesting when she goes from no kids to a step mom of three teenagers. I bet she’ll end up contacting you someday to take her back. 

As plan B you will be a good roommate for her to grow old with. You need to think about if you will take her back someday or not.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

see a lawyer and file- you may get a good settlement while she is high on her new love- that worked for me- she may also get her head out of her arse when she sees the sh!t is real. 

Protect your assetts
Do a hard 180 and do it for yourself
Go see a doctor and get checked for STDs.
Post both on cheaterville
If POSOM has a wife/SO tell her now
Stop by the store and buy some large black trash bags- you can use these to help her pack.


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

workindad said:


> see a lawyer and file- you may get a good settlement while she is high on her new love- that worked for me- she may also get her head out of her arse when she sees the sh!t is real.
> 
> Protect your assetts
> Do a hard 180 and do it for yourself
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## isitlost (Sep 1, 2014)

Well you were all right I let her back in for four days on the promise she would never contact him again, well guess what happened, I was supposed to be having a physio session last night I got a gut felling she was with him I phoned her all calls went to a/m so I txt her and she pretended she had just got in from a run I shot straight home to find no car. she was of with him. I slung her out last night and have had the locks changed this morning. she led me to believe there was hope, but her lies are so many i cant trust a word that comes out of her mouth. I am so gutted


----------



## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

So sorry to hear that OP.
Stay strong.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Congratulations man! The best of the rest of your life starts here
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Isitlost

A lot has happened since you first posted.

Stick to your guns. If she says she no longer loves then let her go.

Sure it hurts.

But in the long run you will realize you are better off without her. Because she is only using you as her Plan B.

You deserve better so go find better.

HM


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

isitlost said:


> Well you were all right I let her back in for four days on the promise she would never contact him again, well guess what happened, I was supposed to be having a physio session last night I got a gut felling she was with him I phoned her all calls went to a/m so I txt her and she pretended she had just got in from a run I shot straight home to find no car. she was of with him. I slung her out last night and have had the locks changed this morning. she led me to believe there was hope, but her lies are so many i cant trust a word that comes out of her mouth. I am so gutted


Don't let her back into your world anymore.

She can't be trusted.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Suspecting2014 said:


> Sorry but NO!!
> 
> She walked away, she is not allowed to decide to R, NO, NO and NO.
> 
> ...


Just quoting this for SO MUCH TRUTH!!

I hate reading a BS talk about their WS is off trying to decide what they want to do.....SAY WHAT????

The BS needs to decide on this. If the WS is off trying to decide..you know what that means. They are trying to figure out if it will work with their affair partner. If it does...guess what their decision is...the BS is left out in the cold.

NEVER EVER accept "I need space to figure things out" from a WS. That should ALWAYS be grounds for the BS ending things.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This isn't base ball, you gave her a second chance and she blow it....when it come to cheating 2 stricks and you out.

I commend you, a lot of folk don't even give their cheating spouses a second chance but you and I did.

Whens your appointment with the lawyer?


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I have to agree here you were the plan B and he was plan A. You need to file for D and make sure all of your family and friends know what has happened.

Does this POS OM have a wife or gf. Make sure they know as well.

I am jumping into this late have you been to the Dr wet? STD checks and you may need something so you can sleep.


----------



## isitlost (Sep 1, 2014)

Thanks or all your support, I really am glad I came across this forum, it helps to share, 
I am feeling down yet strung out all at once, I've got 3 days supply of diazepam.
I plan to see a lawyer early next week and doctor for std tests. just feeling shattered and lonely at the moment .


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

remember TAM is a good place to come to vent and for support. Good luck.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't see where you told her parents and siblings that she's cheating. Why not?


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Suspecting 2014 is right. You are now in the drivers seat 100 percent. She gets to make no decisions on what you want to do.
> 
> My advice? I usually suggest divorce, to those couples that do not have kids. Why go through all the work, all the hassle, all the heartache and tears over a lousy piece of a$$? There are many other fish in the sea, the majority of which will not cheat on you.
> 
> ...


I agree with Phillyguy. It's tough and I am sorry this happened to you. You are in the drivers seat. It leads to a lifetime of work for you and there are other fish. I understand your conflict though


----------



## isitlost (Sep 1, 2014)

its early days, at the moment its so raw, all parents and most of our friends know. what a mess.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have a decent chance at getting her back, if that's what you choose. But you have to be methodical about your actions. Sure, swift actions to show her you WILL move on without her (which you've done) and then staying strong on what you'll tolerate moving forward. Not giving me your passwords? Ok, see you in court. That kind of thing.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

isitlost said:


> Well you were all right I let her back in for four days on the promise she would never contact him again, well guess what happened, I was supposed to be having a physio session last night I got a gut felling she was with him I phoned her all calls went to a/m so I txt her and she pretended she had just got in from a run I shot straight home to find no car. she was of with him. I slung her out last night and have had the locks changed this morning. she led me to believe there was hope, but her lies are so many i cant trust a word that comes out of her mouth. I am so gutted


Does the OM's wife know about the affair? Have you told her?

She came back to you because OM has no intent to leave his wife. 

I don't know if you know this, but you have no legal right to kick her out and change the locks. It's her legal residence. So if she pushes back on this you will need to let her back into the house. She if you deny her access, she can call the police and have you thrown out. I hope she stays away, but you need to realize what that you are on shaky legal ground.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

isitlost said:


> I cant get the images of them together out my head, all the lies, my whole world is in turmoil.



You'll never get the images out of your head. You could, however, come to a point in the future, I believe, where you don't think about it on a day to day basis. But you WILL envision her fing the other man and you WILL trigger.

And if she decides to come back, it will be because her OM is no longer an option. If she left OM because she wanted to work on the marriage, that might be a different story.

I know you say you love her, but she flat out said she isn't in love with you anymore, then went on a 3 day bender of sex with this other man in a hotel.

Can you live with all of that and what I just said? If so, then the ball is in her court and I wish you well.

However, my advice is to forget about her and move on to greener pastures. Because like I said, she said she no longer loves you and went off to screw the other man. If you want her to come back, she will be thinking its on her terms.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Does the OM's wife know about the affair? Have you told her?
> 
> She came back to you because OM has no intent to leave his wife.
> 
> I don't know if you know this, but you have no legal right to kick her out and change the locks. It's her legal residence. So if she pushes back on this you will need to let her back into the house. She if you deny her access, she can call the police and have you thrown out. I hope she stays away, but you need to realize what that you are on shaky legal ground.


Tell the other mans wife asap!


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

isitlost said:


> Thanks or all your support, I really am glad I came across this forum, it helps to share,
> I am feeling down yet strung out all at once, I've got 3 days supply of diazepam.
> I plan to see a lawyer early next week and doctor for std tests. just feeling shattered and lonely at the moment .


Taking steps and checking things off is a good way to move forward. I want to encourage you to tell the OM's wife what you know.

The mind movies are a tough one and was a big problem for me. I had some pictures I found which made it worse. it is all about time and focus.

When I would get dark and my mind was racing I turned my thoughts to my kids and granddaughter. It is all about coping. See an IC as well it will really help


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

A lot of folks have encouraged you to tell his wife. 

Maybe that's scary for you so let me tell you how it went for me. 

She thanked me and wished we had spoken sooner. 

It's been 8 months now since we first talked. We have both filled in some holes for each other and it's helped to make sense of things. 

We are now friends of sorts. POSOM's wife is a good woman. She didn't deserve this and neither did I. Our only regret is we didn't communicate sooner.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know you are in deep pain. But look at it as the pain of having a useless appendage amputated. You will be so much better off without her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

