# Wife has "Fallen out of love"



## GuyInPitt (Mar 30, 2020)

Okay, I can't believe I'm posting here, but I need some advice. My wife and I have been married for 19 years (We've been together for 32 years in total!), and she recently told me she has fallen out of love with me. I was FLOORED! I was completely devastated. 

Our marriage has been pretty good with the usual ups and downs. But mostly great times. As a matter of fact, our sex lives have been great the last 9 months... I know what you're thinking. Is there someone else? I thought that, but she swears there isn't even we had a completely honest conversation on numerous occasions. 

Some back story... Back in October of 2019, I lost my job. My job(s) have always been a hot button because it has forced me to move us around a few times. We finally landed back in our hometown with our friends and family and don't want to leave. We also have a 10 year-old child that has friends and live in a great town. Me losing my job has caused me to be insecure and caused major frustration on my part... sometimes causing me to lash out or make accusions toward my wife. Just being difficult to live with at times.

Back in February, her and I got in to a text conversation about the state of our marriage, life jobs... These are some of the things she was saying to me...

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“I’m scared we are going to have to leave here and it’s been on my mind a lot.”

“When I get stressed… I pull away”

“Other than just wanting to crawl in a hole and avoid everything. Because that’s how I’ve been feeling.”

“I feel stressed all the time. Every day all day and I just want to go away. Is that what you want to hear”

“… I try to be smiling and laughing and joking but really I’ve just been sad. And sometimes for me, I need to have space.”

“I feel like I’m constantly going in circles, anxious, sad, feel like I can never do anything right, that I’m pulled in a 1000 different directions and trying to be a thousand different things for everyone. Trying to keep up and remember everything for everyone. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost me… There is never enough time. I feel like I try to make everyone happy but never can. Constant tension…”

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My responses to her saying this was self-centered. More about how frustated I was and how I was lonely and sad. I WASN'T LISTENING. I wasn't listening to her vent about what was going on with her. I realize that now... but not at the time. 

The big blow-up came the day before she was leaving for a week-long business trip. I got mad at her because of her leaving and how lonely it is without her here (needy), especially now that I'm not working. That night while she slept, I texted her and said "are you falling out of love with me? Have you?" The next morning she left the house around 6. She gave me a kiss and I told her to read her text. I called her on the way to the airport and she confirmed that she had fallen out of love with me. 

There's more to type, but I wanted to get this out there...


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## GuyInPitt (Mar 30, 2020)

When we talked, she felt like we had become "roommates" (kiss of death) and that we had just our connection (I don't disagree). But I was confused how this seem to happen so quickly. End of the week, we talked in person and we were open and honest. There were no promises that things would get better or that we'd even work on it. 

I knew that I would do what I could to make this work. Which meant working on myself and my issues. All the while showing my wife how much I missed her. For a few weeks, things were ok... seemingly normal, however, I pressed her for more conversations about us (3 total). Each one seemed to push her further away. BUT, in between we've doing very civil (eating lunch and dinner together, watching shows together at night, etc.)

I guess I'm here to ask if you think there's any chance of things working (I know you can't know for sure). I just wonder if all stress, work, job loss, anxiety has caused her to pull away and "fall out of love with me." I've done a lot of research about how to "win her back" and it all starts with me. NOT trying to please her, but being pleasant to be around, be positive and continue to show her how much I love her in subtle ways in order to build the attraction back up. 

Has anyone been able to repair their once hopeless marriage or one that they thought was doomed?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

So you pushed and pushed, and now you don't like the answer. From what I read you were seeing flags already. But since I don't know the time/date stamps. But you have a chance to fix this what are you willing to do for her? You have to stand on you own and quit being needy or acting like a boy instead of the man she married.

Text her because your "weak nature "and cannot face her like a man, is one of the first things I would change. Let her see a positive, and optimistic man, who is looking to overcome the odds dealt.


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## GuyInPitt (Mar 30, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> So you pushed and pushed, and now you don't like the answer. From what I read you were seeing flags already. But since I don't know the time/date stamps. But you have a chance to fix this what are you willing to do for her? You have to stand on you own and quit being needy or acting like a boy instead of the man she married.
> 
> Text her because your "weak nature "and cannot face her like a man, is one of the first things I would change. Let her see a positive, and optimistic man, who is looking to overcome the odds dealt.


I don't disagree with you at all. I have been pretty needy the past few months. I've been working on myself and projecting a more positive, fun attitude. I've also heard that being unpredictable helps to bring back the mystery. "Heading out" for a bit. Not replying to her text right away, etc.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Look, don't try to play games with her -- work on yourself. DON'T play the "pick me" dance. Work on your communication skills with her (esp LISTENING without interrupting), but DON'T push having these talks with her all the time -- as you've seen it pushes her away.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Why did you lose your job?? Several times? How old are y'all? She sounds depressed. She needs you to be stronger for her job or not.  Have you asked her what she needs from you? Sounds like she has been there for everyone else and needs a rock in her life.

You were together a long time before marriage. Why? Do you have other children? Have y'all ever have marriage counseling? Individual counseling?

Why would you instigate a crisis just before she leaves? She is supporting the family and you are whiny because you are going to be lonely?

Love comes and goes in marriage. Glue holds the weak times together. Glue means appreciation, respect, connection, intimacy, caring, sharing, dating, doing stuff together, gifts just because. Ask her if she had a magic wand what she would wish for. Listen to her answer--with eyes, ears, brain, emotion, and compassion.


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## GuyInPitt (Mar 30, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> Why did you lose your job?? Several times? How old are y'all? She sounds depressed. She needs you to be stronger for her job or not. Have you asked her what she needs from you? Sounds like she has been there for everyone else and needs a rock in her life.
> 
> You were together a long time before marriage. Why? Do you have other children? Have y'all ever have marriage counseling? Individual counseling?
> 
> ...


@sunsetmist Let me try and answer all your questions.

I was laid off. Two times in a year. Very volatile industry. We're in our mid-late 40s. I do think she is depressed and I've been a little needy and insecure since losing my job. She is always trying to please everyone else and let's her self go. 

We met in high school and dated on and off for 8 years before marriage. No other children. We've neve been to marriage counseling, however I started individual counssling. It's been very helping. 

I instigated a conversation because she felt distant. It didn't help that she was heading out of town. 

I like asking her the question "if she had a magic wand what she would wish for."


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Thank you for all your answers--not easy to talk to a stranger about such stuff. Did she ever date someone else seriously? So glad your IC counseling is helpful.

I need to think about y'all. Do you ever take her face in your hands, look her in the eye, and say something like, "You are so special." or "How about a spa day, you work so hard?" 

You have a right to be needy, but maybe your counselor, friends, family can help you bear the load. Do y'all have a religious affiliation? Churches often have support groups that help facilitate marital harmony.


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## GuyInPitt (Mar 30, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> Thank you for all your answers--not easy to talk to a stranger about such stuff. Did she ever date someone else seriously? So glad your IC counseling is helpful.
> 
> I need to think about y'all. Do you ever take her face in your hands, look her in the eye, and say something like, "You are so special." or "How about a spa day, you work so hard?"
> 
> You have a right to be needy, but maybe your counselor, friends, family can help you bear the load. Do y'all have a religious affiliation? Churches often have support groups that help facilitate marital harmony.


I've told her in the past how important ans special she is to me, but it's been awhile. The demands of her job, being a Mom and wife are sometimes too much for her. When I make an effort to be my best self around her, I feel like things MIGHT be able get back to they were... MEANING, even better. This is a huge wake-up call for me and my marriage and I don't want to squander everything we've built. 

After talking to my therapist, she said that I have two options. 1.) do nothing and wait for divorce papers to be delivered, OR 2.) show her how much you care about and love her, and let her know that she doesn't have to handle all the stress alone. Basically let her know that your 100% partners in this marriage. That way regardless of the outcome, I can honestly say that I did what I could to salvage our marriage and continue to grow... with or without her. The worst feeling would be thinking, "I didn't do all I could to save things."


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Read this: *The Dead Bedroom Fix*

Your story is very VERY familiar. A lot of men can trace the time when things "started to break down" to a moment when the wife's sense of security/safety and respect for her husband took a hit. It's not THE thing that brought the marriage down, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Often times this leads to the wife's boundaries coming down and she is more emotionally and physically open to flirting and validation from other men. Then the man hears some variation of "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you"... which is another way of saying, "These feelings I'm getting when I talk to this other guy are beyond amazing and I haven't felt that with you in years. There's no sense in living my life in hell with you when I could live in paradise elsewhere".

I suggest my book because it's not just a "how to get sex within a marriage" kind of book, but rather a "how to get your sh*t together and actually be an attractive man... to your wife and to other women" kind of book. 

You're right in identifying your neediness. You're committing a huge mistake and further pushing her away.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GuyInPitt said:


> The big blow-up came the day before she was leaving for a week-long business trip. I got mad at her because of her leaving and how lonely it is without her here (needy), especially now that I'm not working. That night while she slept, I texted her and said "are you falling out of love with me? Have you?" The next morning she left the house around 6. She gave me a kiss and I told her to read her text. I called her on the way to the airport and she confirmed that she had fallen out of love with me.


Odd how the trip coincided with the short hand version of I love you but not in love with you.


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## GuyInPitt (Mar 30, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> Odd how the trip coincided with the short hand version of I love you but not in love with you.


Well, the day before we got into an arguement about her job. She had been traveling a lot and since I was home, I was getting lonely/needy. I mentioned that her job hadn't bothered me in the 8 previous years, but all of a sudden does now? I told her it was because I missed her and was lonely. 

I realized that this triggered her and caused things to get worse. It didn't help that see what she was feeling and saying to me earlier in the month.


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## GuyInPitt (Mar 30, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> Odd how the trip coincided with the short hand version of I love you but not in love with you.


Also, the thing I can't get my head around is that if there is someone else the logic doesn't seem to be there. Let me explain.

We live in PA. When I lost my job, I wanted to move back to Chicago because there are more job possibilities for me there (we lived there for a few years before moving to PA). Her company is based there, so so travels to and from home to Chicago. When I suggested moving back to Chicago she DID NOT want to do it. Because family and friends are here. Plus, our son is in school and she didn't want to move him... which I agree with. So, if there is someone else in Chicago wouldn't she WANT to move back? AND, Since we can't move our son, how would this entire thing work out with him? I know... i'm thinking rationally.

I know you don't know this, but I'm just getting it out there.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GuyInPitt said:


> Well, the day before we got into an arguement about her job. She had been traveling a lot and since I was home, I was getting lonely/needy. I mentioned that her job hadn't bothered me in the 8 previous years, but all of a sudden does now? I told her it was because I missed her and was lonely.
> 
> I realized that this triggered her and caused things to get worse. It didn't help that see what she was feeling and saying to me earlier in the month.


Trigger what? You stated your issue you are having with your W traveling all the time. You are lonely. What does she do with your honesty? She tells she does not love you. Personally, I think there is more to the story your W is not telling.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GuyInPitt said:


> Also, the thing I can't get my head around is that if there is someone else the logic doesn't seem to be there. Let me explain.
> 
> We live in PA. When I lost my job, I wanted to move back to Chicago because there are more job possibilities for me there (we lived there for a few years before moving to PA). Her company is based there, so so travels to and from home to Chicago. When I suggested moving back to Chicago she DID NOT want to do it. Because family and friends are here. Plus, our son is in school and she didn't want to move him... which I agree with. So, if there is someone else in Chicago wouldn't she WANT to move back? AND, Since we can't move our son, how would this entire thing work out with him? I know... i'm thinking rationally.
> 
> I know you don't know this, but I'm just getting it out there.


No, the side fun stays in Chicago where a meeting can happen if and when she is in Chicago. Infidelity comes in all sorts of forms, miles and spaces. No, it would not be odd to have a coworker in another state where meeting for company functions and business trips with extra curricular activity can take place.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Maybe, just maybe she hasn't had anyone on the side....But, If it has been going on this long, seriously doubt it. But, she finally admitted to you that you are furniture or roomate at best. You need to work on you and be the best version of yourself. As for the job thing, EVERYBODY is going to be feeling it sooner than later. Your not alone. Just keep plugging away. And find someone to build your circle with. A buddy to get some wings and watch stupid TV with. OR go hiking, exploring...Whatever. Just get out of your routine and funk. This will show you that you don't need others for validation, and your presence in a relationship is a gift...Not a gag. Best of luck.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

How old are the kids?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Everything that she has texted you... is her asking you for help. Its her opening up to you emotionally, telling you how she feels and basically begging you to help. Instead you make everything about yourself and shut her down emotionally. Your basically telling her, forget about you, what about me!?!

So yes I can understand how she has felt alone in this marriage, and after reaching out to you, you shut her down, I understand why she feels she doesn’t have a partner and she fell out of love with you. 

What people don’t understand is that when someone reaches out to them and expresses their emotions and stress they want your help. And a good partner should recognize this! Not just think they are complaining and being negative. When we keep shutting down our partners emotional needs, eventually we stop going to you for emotional help and that’s when problems happen. We either agree and resent you, or we find someone who gives us the emotional support we need.


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## GuyInPitt (Mar 30, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Everything that she has texted you... is her asking you for help. Its her opening up to you emotionally, telling you how she feels and basically begging you to help. Instead you make everything about yourself and shut her down emotionally. Your basically telling her, forget about you, what about me!?!
> 
> So yes I can understand how she has felt alone in this marriage, and after reaching out to you, you shut her down, I understand why she feels she doesn’t have a partner and she fell out of love with you.
> 
> What people don’t understand is that when someone reaches out to them and expresses their emotions and stress they want your help. And a good partner should recognize this! Not just think they are complaining and being negative. When we keep shutting down our partners emotional needs, eventually we stop going to you for emotional help and that’s when problems happen. We either agree and resent you, or we find someone who gives us the emotional support we need.


Our son is 10. 

Yes, I COMPLETELY agree with you about her asking/begging for help... and I wasn't listening to her. After re-reading our conversation, I completely and utterly sick about not dropping my insecurities and asking how she was doing? Ask her if there was anything I could do to help the situation. Bascially, I dropped the ball and I know this. 

I plan on having a conversation with her about this and take accountability for my actions. Any suggestions?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

The OP stated it was only a month, that's not overboard. But think this way she doesn't want to leave your current location....... Because her BF lives there and just because she travels for work means little at this point.

Sorry not anyone if few will give you advice on how to grovel. To play the pick me game. I'm sure Girl power, just means for you to own your share of the marriage, I could be wrong though.


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