# cannot seem to meet my husband's demands.



## lolma (Apr 14, 2011)

We've been married for three years, we have two children - both under 2. Needless to say I feel tired almost all the time from taking care of the kids. I get an hour or two at night to wind down on my own (husband is usually still working), and when I'm ready for bed that's when he usually wants to have sex with me.

Lately our arguments have seem to be all about me not satisfying him enough, not being able to "self sacrifice" to meet his sexual demands. (frequency)

He said he wants it everyday. but he is already trying to hold back by not asking me for it everyday. and I think we have it often enough - about 3 times a week. I feel like I'm already trying to do what I can to meet his needs (BJs, sex, when I don't really feel like doing it), and I'd hate it for me to start feeling resentful if I'm constantly forcing myself doing it.

Also he said he feels hurt because I just don't seem interested in it as much. I don't know if it's normal as a mom of two young children to not be interested in sex so much. I enjoy having sex with him most of the time, but I just really hate it when he always wants to initiate something when I'm trying to sleep or when I'm asleep!!

He's making me feel like there's something wrong with me. at times I feel like that and other times I'm almost angry for him to think that.

any thoughts?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It's not unusual for new moms to be less interested in sex. Depending on the age of your youngest, it may be hormonal. But it sounds like you're just tired.

I think you both have reasonable positions. If your husband wants daily sex, and you used to have daily sex, then he's already accepted half as much sex as he wants and is used to.

On the other hand, circumstances change. You're no longer getting 8 hours of sleep a night, so sex might suffer.

I think you both just need to be honest with each other. If you honestly tell your husband the reasons why you're less interested, he will be motivated to address those reasons. If he thinks that the low frequency is temporary and will get back to a frequency that is acceptable to both of you, he'll be less resentful than if he thinks this is the new reality that he has to accept.

On the other hand, you need to recognize that sex is a primary need for your husband. It's hard for him to rationalize that you can be resentful toward the act and not towards him. It's a powerful and fundamental rejection. Men express love for women through sex. When those women reject the sex, they wonder whether the women are feeling less love for them.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm the one who always wanted sex everyday so I get the frustration on that one. I've always "settled" for 2-3 times a week and it sucks sometimes. Being horny all the time without a willing partner isn't fun for us either.

Things changed a bit though when we had little ones because I was tired. I had to get creative. I'd arrange to go to bed earlier on nights we were going to have sex. We'd have sex on the weekends while the kids were napping. I got good at "quickies". 

What both you and your husband need to realize is that this too shall pass. My kids are now 10, 8 and 5 and we've got all the time, energy and sleep we need to get it on every night if we so chose too. There is no point to be resentful those years with little ones passes so very very quickly but your husband will be there forever. I suggest you work on communicating how great you've been trying to meet his needs and ask for what you want in return (something other than LESS sex). 

It's got to be tough on your husband to miss the honeymoon phase of marriage since you guys started your family so soon. 2 children in 3 years of marriage is a lot.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Your situation is difficult and I understand it very well as I was in the same situation as your husband for many, many years. To us the most difficult part of all was the lack of communication and trust around our physical intimacy....it wasn't until our lives were financially stable and turned 40 that I really started to have a problem with my needs and desires not been satisfied.

We have 3 children and both work full time so we get tired....now a lot of people are gonna tell you that sex is important and that you need to meet the needs of your husband and that is true, but before you do, you MUST talk to him and let him know how you feel...he should tell you the same....now, if you both still feel in love for each other, you need to educate yourselves about how many people go through the same thing...so nothing is wrong with you or with him, what you need is to talk, develop a trust in your intimacy that allows you to talk about all aspect of it.....

As you become more informed about men and women sexual behavior species you will come to understand your husband better....think about this, why prostitution is the oldest job in history?, why the adult industry makes billions every year....why sex sell so much?....now, how many wars have men fought....all these will tell you something about men as specie....we can't help it to feel this way...without having the love of our lives making us feel desire and wanted, we just don't feel the love as strong as we could...and this could end a relationship....man dream of having a goddess in their wives who at least once a week show him (us) how much they love us by making sure they do their best in making us feel wanted, sexy, and desired...if not, we'll go to porn, masturbation, and others...the man sexual power is just more powerful then sticking with the wife just for the kids....and imagine when these leave home...no reason to stay with wife if this one don't want to show love to the men the way the feel it the most.....good luck


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## MissingIt (Apr 14, 2011)

lolma, your husband is a VERY lucky man to have you and he does not even realize it. When my boys were the age of your children I was lucky if my wife expressed an interest every other weekend.

Now that my guys are older, 15 and 12, things have gotten to be pretty much non-existent. I have not had more than 10 intimate encounters with my wife in a given year since 2005. We have discussed this on numerous occasions, there might be a pity party encounter then back to nothing. When I express an interest I usually get, "so now you are another person who wants something from me".

I am at the point of giving up altogether, however she is a great mother to our children, and most other aspects of the relationship are great.

Next time the hubby complains, at least know to yourself that you show him a great deal of intimacy, even though you currently have two young children.

So far 2011 for me has been as follows, hurry up and get this over with I have a lot to do, and one great session of love making, have not had a BJ in 3 1/2 years, nor a HJ in 2 1/2.


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

Wow your husband is extremely lucky to have a woman like you. After hearing some of the stories like MissingIt's on this forum, your husband has nothing to complain about. I've been married 6 months, no kids, both in our twenties, and we haven't had sex in 3 1/2 months. Tell him I'd trade any time. : p
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

Wow! we don't have kids and 3/4 times a week is not bad, around what we do it. Sometimes more and sometimes less.

I think every other day is the best durring the week. I also come home later from work sometimes (10PM) and really don't expect it that night at all! Kinda sucks more time at work and no sex usually come hand and hand. 
Weekend I can see having somethings like 2/3 on Fri/Sat/Sunday and then 2 more times the rest of the week. I think some nights its ok just want to sleep, even thought if it was me more sex> sleep. But women have it the other way usually, but as long as you do it more then once a week on a really bad week your good


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

lolma said:


> We've been married for three years, we have two children - both under 2. Needless to say I feel tired almost all the time from taking care of the kids. I get an hour or two at night to wind down on my own (husband is usually still working), and when I'm ready for bed that's when he usually wants to have sex with me.
> 
> Lately our arguments have seem to be all about me not satisfying him enough, not being able to "self sacrifice" to meet his sexual demands. (frequency)
> 
> ...


Her husband's not lucky he is stupid and self-centered. His gravy train is about to come to a screeching halt because he is greedy and does not appreciate what he has. Any man who ask an exhausted wife to sacrifice to service him is a fool. How long does he think it will take for his exhausted wife and mother to his two small children to wake's up and realizes that she is doing the heavy lifting and she decides to resign as a servant to his penis and just take care of the kids. It happens to many men who make the same mistake in the early years. 

Your husband seems to think that a wife should service her husband sexually, what do you think? I think that a man who has a wife with two very small children should be sacrificing for her by caring for her and helping her take care of her and their children. 

That's what a mature man who can see past him self would do. It sounds like your husband does not appreciate you or what you are doing for him. He takes you for granted because you let him. What is HE doing in the way of sacrifices? Are you the only one doing all of the giving - you gave the two kids, you are mainly responsible for that exhausting task, up at not sleep deprived, is your husband has exhausted as you? You should be sharing the load, with your husband so that you are not so sleep deprived. 

Demands for sex and sacrifice is ridiculous from a wife and the mother of his two kids id disgusting really. He sounds like a selfish teenage boy not a man. Stop acting like a victim and tell your husband he will needs to make sacrifices, too. You made yours by having two kids in short order and you are being a good mother to them. What is he doing besides demanding his wife service him. Tell him that of all of the things you both need to do to keep up with your responsibilities, his penis is not the most important. 

You sound as if you are trying very hard to make everyone happy and running yourself into the ground. You are living through a very difficult period in your married life, having kids changes things drastically for women. Some men don't want to mature and step up to the plate and be a father of two kids and the husband of a very exhausted wife. If this is your husband then you have to tell him what you need for him to do. 

Right now you are doing anything he wants without regard to you justified anger and resentment. Marriage is both tacking care of each other, he takes care of you as best he can and you do the same. Expecting sex everyday and bj is pure selfishness he doing that because you let him.


It is vital that you sit with your husband and decide a frequency that you can manage for now along with every thing else. Many selfish men don't realize that by being selfish and demanding sexually may work for a short time in the honey moon period the first 2 - 4 yrs of marriage. 

You want to please him but if he is taking too much and giving nothing back then you will run out of steam and stop wanting to please him. If he keeps this up you will begin to ignore his needs the way he is ignoring yours. That's why it is vital to stop because when you shut down on a sexually it is hard to start back up. 

It is up to you to set boundaries, you know how you feel and you don't want to get to the point that you avoid having sex with him. that is where you are headed now. You have to set the boundaries or you are going to shut him out sexually if you build up enough anger and resentment.


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

You sound SO angry Cath. : p I guess if a woman wants sex everyday with the man she loves, its because she wants a meaningful intimate connection. Not just to service her vagina.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Her husband's not lucky he is stupid and self-centered. His gravy train is about to come to a screeching halt because he is greedy and does not appreciate what he has. Any man who ask an exhausted wife to sacrifice to service him is a fool. How long does he think it will take for his exhausted wife and mother to his two small children to wake's up and realizes that she is doing the heavy lifting and she decides to resign as a servant to his penis and just take care of the kids. It happens to many men who make the same mistake in the early years. I also don't like the way he asked. However, wanting sex is not selfish.
> 
> Your husband seems to think that a wife should service her husband sexually, what do you think? I think that a man who has a wife with two very small children should be sacrificing for her by caring for her and helping her take care of her and their children. So what should the husband get then? It can't be all about one of them!
> 
> ...


Since I know I could not handle children changing my life, I choose not to have them. Why become parents and then complain about the sacrifices?


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## Red Riding Hood (Apr 14, 2011)

Ah... no, no YoungBuck. I don't think Catherine sounds angry - I agree with her post wholeheartedly. It is a cry from a woman's heart and a woman's position. 

I am saddened when I read posts like the OPs. I have been lurking on this forum for many months and just started to post. Throughout these months, I am always amazed of how inherently selfish we can all be at times and how little both men and women really understand about each other.

Having children changes everything about the dynamic of a marriage, and as a woman who has had two children myself, I can say that it totally changes the dynamic of who you are as a woman, both physically and psychologically.

I believe that when young children are involved and the wife is totally exhausted, that is the time for the husband to step up and try to support his wife in whichever way he can. She in turn needs to be understanding of his needs as well. The only way this can happen is if they both COMMUNICATE and LISTEN to each other. Unfortunately for me, this didn't happen when my kids were little. But I'm a lot smarter now. 

I hope that the OP decides to discuss this with her husband today and they can come up with a compromise.

~ Red


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I think that a man who has a wife with two very small children should be sacrificing for her by caring for her and helping her take care of her and their children.
> 
> *You want to please him but if he is taking too much and giving nothing back then you will run out of steam and stop wanting to please him. *If he keeps this up you will begin to ignore his needs the way he is ignoring yours. That's why it is vital to stop because when you shut down on a sexually it is hard to start back up.
> 
> You have to set the boundaries or* you are going to shut him out sexually if you build up enough anger and resentment.*


I agree with Catherine. You need to find a middle ground, soon. Resentment starts out as frustration, which is where you're at right now. He needs to understand how exhausted you are and step up and help out. It appears the give and take balance isn't quite equal.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

YoungBuck said:


> You sound SO angry Cath. : p I guess if a woman wants sex everyday with the man she loves, its because she wants a meaningful intimate connection. Not just to service her vagina.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do I sound angry. 

Her husband wants sex every day with a woman who is exhausted because she has two babies in rapid succession and now are under the age of two. He knows how exhausted she is but tells her she must sacrifice. 

Can you tell me what this has to do with a loving connection? He husband sounds like an insensitive ass, I doubt if he is getting any emotions out of getting sacrificial bj from an exhausted wife. 

I have a hard time imagining how any man could get pleasure out of having sex with a woman who he know is too exhausted to enjoy the experience. If she not enjoying it and he knows she is not then she is servicing him. It is not mutual because she is be coerced into to having sex by demands for sacrifice. 

Yea that makes me angry. Angry because she does it like many woman do because they want to please. But they don't get the same desire to please from men who are selfish. 

A meaningful intimate connection takes into account the feelings of the both people involved. Who is getting the meaningful connection in these encounters? It does not seem as if she is getting any emotional sustenance out of the sex, if she was, she would not have posted. 

Is he getting a meaningful connection, who knows, he getting orgasms maybe that all he wants. I don't see how he could get anything emotional out of demanding more sacrifices from the mother of his two kids who is already over extended. This is wrong. He will not die of emotional loneliness if he were sensitive enough to have loving sex with his wife one time a week and be affectionate and loving with her the rest of the time. 

If he loved her enough and could see past himself he would not demand that a wife have sex with him as a sacrifice I don't see how he could even say that let alone think it and this poor exhausted woman is going along with him.


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## grainybrainy (Apr 14, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> Since I know I could not handle children changing my life, I choose not to have them. Why become parents and then complain about the sacrifices?


Obviously, Catharine602 is speaking from experience, and you are a man!  and for already repeated reasons I feel this husband in discussion is being a little bit self centered. Raising two small kids is not a joke. Let him try pushing two footballs out of his Penis and then raise them to adulthood while giving Bjs to his wife everyday of the week. APart from cooking, cleaning, working a full time job etc.

The sad part about marriage is women do mature fast and step up to their responsibilities, but not always so in the case of men. Some are lucky to find those gems. I'll know what mine turns out like when I have kids


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Missingit,
MOST men would not have tolerated what you did early on. And either the issue would have been solved or the marriage dissolved. You did yourself no favor by tolerating such a lame sex life when the kids were young. Look how things have evolved, your needs have simply gotten further deprioritized. 

Better than what you got does not necessarily mean "good or great". It just means better. 




MissingIt said:


> lolma, your husband is a VERY lucky man to have you and he does not even realize it. When my boys were the age of your children I was lucky if my wife expressed an interest every other weekend.
> 
> Now that my guys are older, 15 and 12, things have gotten to be pretty much non-existent. I have not had more than 10 intimate encounters with my wife in a given year since 2005. We have discussed this on numerous occasions, there might be a pity party encounter then back to nothing. When I express an interest I usually get, "so now you are another person who wants something from me".
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LOLMA,
If I were him - THIS would work with me:


Wife: Husband, it is not healthy for our marriage to fight about sex. I want to work towards a compromise that we can both feel ok about. 

First let me start with the most important stuff. 
- We both know I want sex less often than you do. This is normal in most marriages and is amplified by the ages of our children and the demands they place on me. 
- The good news: I love you enough to be willing to have sex with you, even when I am not in the mood.
- The bad news: I am beginning to resent the fact that you don't realize how much effort it takes to have sex when you really don't want to. Trust me, I feel as bad when you insist, as you do when I reject. 

I want us to agree on a schedule that we both promise to stick to as a show of love and commitment for each other. Before we do that I need to know something. Are you willing to make the effort to do some things that will give me more sleep AND more "down time" while I am awake? 

Husband: Like what
Wife: X nights a week I want you to take care of the kids for Y hours when you get home. On weekend nights - if they cry I want you to get them. On at least one weekend morning I want you to get up with them. 
Husband: .....

If that is agreeable I am totally on board with having sex M nights a week. You get to pick 2 of them and I get to pick M-2 of them. 

With that said - BE FAIR. What I mean by that is simple. Kids nap. Front packs allow you to clean up the house with a baby safely in your pouch. Don't start piling house work on a man who is already working a long day job. I have worked a hard job and I have done the house husband thing. If you treat the housework like a job and are clever about how you manage the kids and the house, you can create a situation where when he gets home he can focus on the kids, and you can have a real break. 

As for the "nuclear option" which is getting angry and shutting sex down. Some guys will quietly tolerate it. Others will have an affair. And others will check out emotionally and then end the marriage. 

In addition to the stuff above - and in a separate conversation - you will help the marriage by having an honest conversation with him about what he does that turns you on, and turns you off. And that needs to be stuff that happens inside and outside the bedroom. Whatever it is, be tactful but honest about it. 

For example: Darling, it really doesn't help our sex life when you fart at the dinner table. Or, I love you touching me when your finger nails are short and your hands are clean. Or - when you come home in a bad mood - or don't act happy to see me when you walk in the door it does not set a good tone for a romantic night. Or - when you get angry at a 2 year old for normal 2 year old behavior - I resent you - and resentment spills onto the mattress.....




Catherine602 said:


> Her husband's not lucky he is stupid and self-centered. His gravy train is about to come to a screeching halt because he is greedy and does not appreciate what he has. Any man who ask an exhausted wife to sacrifice to service him is a fool. How long does he think it will take for his exhausted wife and mother to his two small children to wake's up and realizes that she is doing the heavy lifting and she decides to resign as a servant to his penis and just take care of the kids. It happens to many men who make the same mistake in the early years.
> 
> Your husband seems to think that a wife should service her husband sexually, what do you think? I think that a man who has a wife with two very small children should be sacrificing for her by caring for her and helping her take care of her and their children.
> 
> ...


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Excellent compromise, MEM


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

grainybrainy said:


> Obviously, Catharine602 is speaking from experience, and you are a man!  and for already repeated reasons I feel this husband in discussion is being a little bit self centered. Raising two small kids is not a joke. Let him try pushing two footballs out of his Penis and then raise them to adulthood while giving Bjs to his wife everyday of the week. APart from cooking, cleaning, working a full time job etc.
> 
> The sad part about marriage is women do mature fast and step up to their responsibilities, but not always so in the case of men. Some are lucky to find those gems. I'll know what mine turns out like when I have kids


I'm pretty sure Mrs.G is not a man.

And I don't know that the husband is being selfish. He's not happy about getting half as much sex as he's used to getting. That's understandable. I disagree with Catharine that there is a universal standard of once a week and we can all agree that anyone who wants more than that is a selfish jerk.

The OP did not say she is working a full time job. The post stated that the husband worked late, so it's possible the OP is a stay-at-home mom and the husband is supporting the family. I won't assume either case.

I only hope the OP will take the reasonable advice of talking to her husband honestly and respectfully and ignore the advice to turn into a screeching banshee insisting that his needs are her lowest priority.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> I only hope the OP will take the reasonable advice of talking to her husband honestly and respectfully and ignore the advice to turn into a screeching banshee insisting that his needs are her lowest priority.


I don't believe that was the advice given. She is getting burnt out meeting his needs because her own needs are not being met. That is the concern.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

PHTlump said:


> I'm pretty sure Mrs.G is not a man.
> 
> And I don't know that the husband is being selfish. He's not happy about getting half as much sex as he's used to getting. That's understandable. I disagree with Catharine that there is a universal standard of once a week and we can all agree that anyone who wants more than that is a selfish jerk.
> 
> ...


Pardon me but it said she has two kids under two years of age. She is working a full time job regardless if it is inside or outside the home. Husband supporting the family? She is supporting it just as much. 
It's also pretty jerky the way he approaches it. Granted we are only hearing her side of things. I can tell you that him putting the moves on her when she is sleeping leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. His needs above all.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Pardon me but it said she has two kids under two years of age. She is working a full time job regardless if it is inside or outside the home. Husband supporting the family? She is supporting it just as much.


Pedantry aside, keeping house without an outside job is much easier than keeping house after getting home at 6pm. The OP never said which situation she had.


Brennan said:


> It's also pretty jerky the way he approaches it. Granted we are only hearing her side of things. I can tell you that him putting the moves on her when she is sleeping leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. His needs above all.


The OP stated that her husband works late most nights. So, if he's getting home when she's going to sleep, you believe that he should spend all his time at work or asleep and very little with his wife? She also said that he's trying to back off not requesting daily sex, even though he has a high drive. Yeah, sounds like a real jerk to me.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Brennan said:


> I can tell you that him putting the moves on her when she is sleeping leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. His needs above all.


That really bothered me too. Sleep is *essential* when you have children that age. Waking up an exhausted mom for sex is, IMO, the equivalent of asking her to skip dinner and have sex instead. Seriously? Who needs food or sleep anyway, right? That's not at all selfish...

But, as you said, we've only heard one side of the story.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

MEM you are so mature, I'm not obviously. Where were you when I needed this advice. 

This touched a nerve I was where this lady is when I had babies and it was the worst years of my life. I can't remember much except that no one was happy with anything I did because it never seemed to be enough. The sleep deprivation made me feel like I was underwater all the time. My husband did not help. We had sex as often as he wanted, it never occurred to me to deny him sex even while he did not help me. This went on until I hit a wall and one day suddenly did not want him to touch me. That was the beginning of the almost end. We have recovered thank goodness. But I don't like to think of those yrs. They were hellish for me. 

I think what is happening in this situation is that this lady is trying to meet her husbands sexual demands and meet the demands of a mother of two kids. There is just so much of her to go around, the kids are helpless so both parents need to work together to shoulder the extra burden. Sex generally suffers for both. A high sex drive man an an exhausted wife is a difficult combination and it takes effort and compromise, never sacrifice, of both people to make it work. It is unwise to equate sex with sacrifice that is a set up for deserter. It is loving, fun, tender, raunchy, bawdy, nasty, hot but sacrifice no way. She now associates sex with this man with doing something for his benefit where she not only gets nothing but she suffers in the giving. That what sacrifice means.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

In my opinion, the husband has been inconsiderate of the wife's situation. 

Having sex three or four times a week is already a very healthy number. 

Asking for more and ignoring the wife's physical situation is very unloving! 

A man has to be loving and caring to his wife, then his wife is more willing to meet his needs. If a man doesn't show sympathy and consideration to the wife, stay there pouting and whining, he is no different from a woman who whines that she doesn't get another brand name purse!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

PHTlump said:


> I'm pretty sure Mrs.G is not a man.
> 
> And I don't know that the husband is being selfish. He's not happy about getting half as much sex as he's used to getting. That's understandable. I disagree with Catharine that there is a universal standard of once a week and we can all agree that anyone who wants more than that is a selfish jerk.
> 
> ...


Your post is so telling. Screeching banshee? Who here told her to be this and that his needs are her lowest priority. It sounds to me like her needs are HIS lowest priority.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> In my opinion, the husband has been inconsiderate of the wife's situation.
> 
> Having sex three or four times a week is already a very healthy number.
> 
> ...


Word, GP!!

Actually, he becomes no different than the small children she already has.


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## lolma (Apr 14, 2011)

Thanks for all your responses. MEM - thanks for the detailed example lol! 

My husband is very loving and caring, and he does help when he can (but he is working all the time so I do not expect it).

I'm a SAHM for some of you who are interested to know, although I do not find this information relevant to the situation.

We are very honest with each other, and we have talked about this several times when similar situation occurs (he wants sex, me not so much). We are already both compromising - he's not asking me every time he wants it, and I'm trying to satisfy him every time he asks. Last time we had an argument and he said that if he's already not asking every time he wants it , and I'm only saying yes here and there, that means he's really not getting even half of what he wants. Anyway, I do believe satisfying the husband is a wife's duty. After all, where else is he going to get what he wants? Yes sometimes it's steaming hot sex, but sometimes it's just obligatory.


I guess I'll just make it a rule to not bother me when I'm sleeping....he works late but usually he is at home working at that time. It usually goes like this....he's working, I'm doing whatever and is ready to go to bed and I tell him I'm going to bed, then he comes in and wants something. 

Well I still haven't talked to him all day. I think he's either really busy at work or avoiding me because we had an episode last night.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

lolma said:


> Thanks for all your responses. MEM - thanks for the detailed example lol!
> 
> My husband is very loving and caring, and he does help when he can (but he is working all the time so I do not expect it).
> 
> ...


Lolma,

It is important for us wives to satisfy our husbands' needs. 

You understand it is very important for you to make your husband happy, it is wonderful of you! 

Talk to him about how you feel, next time ask him to have sex with you when you are not tired. We don't have to have sex at a certain time, we can have sex at any time when the situation is good for us!

My husband likes quickies, it only takes me a few minutes to satisfy him, I give it to him at any time he wants, sometimes even during my sleep! After he is relieved, I go back to sleep again. But I don't look after babies, I can understand looking after babies is tiring, and good sleep is important for a mom! Just help your husband understand it! And let him know you are more than willing to make him happy!


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

As far as the confliction with time goes...since he works late, does he also go into work later in the day? Do mornings ever work out for you two to have some together time? Morning cartoons for the kiddos can be a godsend


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

lolma said:


> Thanks for all your responses. MEM - thanks for the detailed example lol!
> 
> My husband is very loving and caring, and he does help when he can (but he is working all the time so I do not expect it).
> 
> ...


Um, when is he satisfying you? I don't see that here at all. He works and comes home. Works more from home. Ignores you and then wants sex. Really? Hasn't talked to you at all today. He doesn't sound very loving and caring to me, not in the least.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Besides all the great points about insensitivity to need (sex, sleep, and so on on both parts) I would like to point out that the sex avoidance reasons can turn into a moving target.

It can go from legit reasons to BS excuses.

A person comfortable with not having sex remains comfortable not having sex, just changes the list to include a lot more reasons to say no.

And while that NO strategy is advancing, the person who wants more finds more and more ways to ask for sex (ranging from romance to brutish passes). And when that doesn't work?

Retreat 100% and disengage destructively.

So if the main problem is the baby chasing activities and lack of sleep/energy it seems to me that hiring help or using daycare or enlisting relatives to help would be a useful strategy.

And I don't mean strictly for 3 hours out on a Friday night.

Kids are the priority to protect and raise, but there is more than one way to skin a cat (so to speak) than declaring with chest thumping the two positions that never resolve or result in true intimate relations that satisfy.

Get creative.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LOLMA,
Your comments below remind me of a hilarious exchance in a Woody Allen movie. More on that in a moment. 
You: I am trying to satisfy him every time he asks
Him: "you are only saying yes here and there"

This is a big disconnect. Don't get me wrong, if he waits until you are literally ready to get in bed and go right to sleep that is not fair to you. But somehow you think you are rarely rejecting him. And he is saying you frequently reject him. THAT is an important disconnect that needs to be resolved. 

Back to Woody. 
He and his girl friend are talking to a therapist. 

Therapist: So how are things in the bedroom?
Woody: We never have sex
Girlfriend: We constantly have sex
Therapist: How often do you actually have sex
Woody and his girl friend in unison: Three times a week

Sounds like you have a bit of that going on. 

As for my context on this. During the first decade of our marriage we had sexual tension for most of it. I was aggressive and demanding. She complied almost daily but did so in a way that inflicted some real pain back on me. We deadlocked in a high frequency routine that caused BOTH of us distress. She took her pound of flesh by coming to bed late MANY nights giving me a choice of sex or some level of sleep deprivation. I offered her a schedule - less sex but stick to the schedule including bed time. She didn't like that. So she would keep me waiting I would get angry - she would apologize (it seemed sincere but nothing changed) and then bang my brains out. Ugh.... As for the "sex" itself it was fantastic. As for feeling loved - it was a bust. Finally we found a rhythm at a mutually agreeable frequency and she stopped punishing me for pressuring her. Great sex and feeling very desired. Killer combo. Great Wife.



lolma said:


> Thanks for all your responses. MEM - thanks for the detailed example lol!
> 
> My husband is very loving and caring, and he does help when he can (but he is working all the time so I do not expect it).
> 
> ...


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## lolma (Apr 14, 2011)

Ha what movie is that? We should probably watch it together...

And I do agree there is a big disconnect. I guess we will just have to battle it out! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Annie Hall



lolma said:


> Ha what movie is that? We should probably watch it together...
> 
> And I do agree there is a big disconnect. I guess we will just have to battle it out!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

lolma said:


> Ha what movie is that? We should probably watch it together...
> 
> And I do agree there is a big disconnect. I guess we will just have to battle it out!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


it sounds like he is a good man and you guys are trying to work it out and communicating. 

It is very important that you set reasonable boundaries about what you can accomplish and what he needs to do to make certain that you are getting the rest you need to care for the children. 

That may mean that he will have to sacrifice so that you can be there for the children that you both brought into the world. This difficult period will not last forever and if he stresses you by demanding more than you are able o give it may affect your future desire to meet his needs. So be careful.

You feel it is your duty to take care of him, he has duties towards you as his wife and mother of his two kids. You are stretched very thin and it is his duty to be compassionate and understanding and not add to your stress. 

Place as high value on what you are doing and your needs as you place on your husband. You are both equally important.


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

Very true words cath. Very constructive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

MGirl said:


> That really bothered me too. Sleep is *essential* when you have children that age. Waking up an exhausted mom for sex is, IMO, the equivalent of asking her to skip dinner and have sex instead. Seriously? Who needs food or sleep anyway, right? That's not at all selfish...
> 
> But, as you said, we've only heard one side of the story.


Actually I disagree with this.

My SO actually is more "good to go" when I "fiddle about with her" whilst she is asleep. She wakes up very horny and very wet. I don't do this often mind, but she shows more "rough and ready" when I do that.

But she also gets plenty of help these days too.

Obvioulsy every woman is different....


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Neil said:


> Actually I disagree with this.
> 
> My SO actually is more "good to go" when I "fiddle about with her" whilst she is asleep. She wakes up very horny and very wet. I don't do this often mind, but she shows more "rough and ready" when I do that.
> 
> ...


Yes, very true. Every woman is different. All I remember is being so sleep-deprived I walked around nearly unconscious most of the time and was exhausted at all hours. I'm sure that clouds my opinion. 

I just got the feeling from the OP that she _didn't _enjoy being woken up for sex, that's why I said what I did


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

MGirl said:


> Yes, very true. Every woman is different. All I remember is being so sleep-deprived I walked around nearly unconscious most of the time and was exhausted at all hours. I'm sure that clouds my opinion.
> 
> I just got the feeling from the OP that she _didn't _enjoy being woken up for sex, that's why I said what I did


Nothing surprises me any more about how people are on this site.

If I had said that anywhere else, I should have wore a tin hat ready for all the shoes and heals being thrown.

Just goes to show what great understanding folk are around here.

But serioulsy, waking a woman up for sex in that situation is pretty damn rude. I have learned over a long time when I am going to get away with doing that. Its blatently obvious when I should avoid doing so


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Sex in a marriage is a journey...it has its ups and downs, the important thing it to talk about it...is the healthy thing to do...sometimes if the husbands needs it more, the wife could do a hand job for him...anyways, I think nobody has said here that if the situation is not such that the wife and the husband can have sex everyday and the wife is becoming overwelm with it, then if good communication, she could understand that if she were to show him that once a week she will make an effort to show him that she desires him, I think he would appriciate her efforts considering this time or their lives...is not only about respect is also about showing the other that he /she is the most important person in the world to them....and in the case of woman, their emotional needs are different as the man...so it is important to admit that and not forgetting that althought the wife may have reasonable excuses for not wanting sex, it is also important for her to realize that if she doesn't show any desire towards her husband, she is not meeting his emotional needs....


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Um, when is he satisfying you? I don't see that here at all.


Since the OP didn't say whether she was satisfied or dissatisfied, does that mean we should assume she's dissatisfied?


Brennan said:


> He works and comes home. Works more from home. Ignores you and then wants sex. Really? Hasn't talked to you at all today. He doesn't sound very loving and caring to me, not in the least.


Absolutely. He's probably working long hours in and out of the house for fun. He's probably doing it for free. He certainly can't be doing it to provide money for his wife and children so that his wife can spend her days raising their children. There's nothing more selfish than some guy working 15 hour days for his family. What a jackass.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

PHTlump said:


> Since the OP didn't say whether she was satisfied or dissatisfied, does that mean we should assume she's dissatisfied?
> 
> Absolutely. He's probably working long hours in and out of the house for fun. He's probably doing it for free. He certainly can't be doing it to provide money for his wife and children so that his wife can spend her days raising their children. There's nothing more selfish than some guy working 15 hour days for his family. What a jackass.


She wrote that she has sex when she doesn't want to, it is leading to resentful feelings, he wakes her up for sex, she self sacrifices and her last post she said he hadn't spoken to her all day and ignored her. 
He is a jackass and all you want to do is argue and project.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

These are two completely separate issues. 

If I come home and play WoW until bedtime and my W says I am ignoring her I would agree with that statement. 

If however as the sole breadwinner in the worst recession since the Great Depression, I come home and work until bedtime and my W says I am "ignoring her" my response would be:
"I am sorry we aren't spending more time together, I far prefer to talk to you than work, right now I need to make sure we have financial stability. Over time I will work towards working less. For now we both dislike it and it is a necessary evil".

And I want to compare two things that should be compared:
- The need for adult conversation with a close friend 
- The need for sex

Asking my W to substitute some amount of time with me, by spending more time with a good friend.

My W asking me to masturbate instead of having sex. 

The former while not ideal, is a good "second choice"

The latter for a young, high drive male is a train wreck. 




Brennan said:


> She wrote that she has sex when she doesn't want to, it is leading to resentful feelings, he wakes her up for sex, she self sacrifices and her last post she said he hadn't spoken to her all day and ignored her.
> He is a jackass and all you want to do is argue and project.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Brennan said:


> She wrote that she has sex when she doesn't want to, it is leading to resentful feelings, he wakes her up for sex, she self sacrifices and her last post she said he hadn't spoken to her all day and ignored her.
> He is a jackass and all you want to do is argue and project.


If you believe that marriage means never having to something you don't want to do, then you're wrong. Marriage means sacrifice. Both spouses should sacrifice. Perhaps the husband isn't sacrificing enough and the wife is sacrificing too much. Perhaps not.

Perhaps he is a jackass for not talking to her. Perhaps, as the OP suggested, he is busy at work and unavailable due to his providing for his family. You seem to discount a man working long hours at a job in order to provide for his family as a valid contribution to a marriage, but you're wrong. It's important. It's just as important as a wife caring for children at home.

I really take no pleasure in arguing. But when I see women on this forum take the position that a wife who is unhappy should simply discuss with her husband how he can better serve her and then wait until he is dutifully subservient before she provide any sex over and above what she naturally desires, I feel compelled to disagree. Marriage shouldn't be about one person dominating another to that person's detriment. It should be a partnership where both spouses do their best, which is sometimes unpleasant, to provide for the other.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

PHTlump said:


> If you believe that marriage means never having to something you don't want to do, then you're wrong. Marriage means sacrifice. Both spouses should sacrifice. Perhaps the husband isn't sacrificing enough and the wife is sacrificing too much. Perhaps not.
> 
> Perhaps he is a jackass for not talking to her. Perhaps, as the OP suggested, he is busy at work and unavailable due to his providing for his family. You seem to discount a man working long hours at a job in order to provide for his family as a valid contribution to a marriage, but you're wrong. It's important. It's just as important as a wife caring for children at home.
> 
> I really take no pleasure in arguing. But when I see women on this forum take the position that a wife who is unhappy should simply discuss with her husband how he can better serve her and then wait until he is dutifully subservient before she provide any sex over and above what she naturally desires, I feel compelled to disagree. Marriage shouldn't be about one person dominating another to that person's detriment. It should be a partnership where both spouses do their best, which is sometimes unpleasant, to provide for the other.


I did not in any way mean to imply that her needs were more important than his. I also do not discount a person who works hard. From what it sounded like from her was that she little to no energy whatsoever and has very young children, is exhausted and overwhelmed. She also mentioned that he is now avoiding her. Him waking her up for sex is going to lead to resentment and another chore on her list. Surely there are times when she is able to and more than likely if he approached with more tact, she would be happy to oblige. Poking her in the back with a hard on or whatever approach he is currently using is not working.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Obviously I can not speak to the pressures young men feel when they first marry and have children. The men on this forum can speak better to that. Tge changes in their lives seem to come as a surprise to some men. It is just as surprising for women. 

Pregnancy and childbirth brings many life changes that effect the mother directly and the father indirectly. Young may expect their wives to revert back to pre pregnancy sexual activity in a short time since she may be too uncomfortable to have sex soon after birth. 

The question is, should the husband be expected to endure the changes in the frequency or even the ability of his wife to have sex. I say yes, having a child is a joint decision and the changes in the mother of his children is nature and require the man to mature and develop a sense of compassion and sensitivity to the changes in his wife. Both parents go through a period of adjustment and development of maturity that needs to develop. . Some men find it more difficult than others to transition. 

If a man is not able to make the transition, and expects his sex life with his wife to continue as before at six week after birth, what should be done. I don't know, it seems in former days, an older more mature man in a man's life, may encourage him to forget himself for the time being and concentrate on the new life that he decided to bring into the world and to take care of his wife. What about his needs, I don't know there are competing needs here, - a new life, his wife who is primarily responsibility for the baby. As an adults, it seems to both parents need to make the transition that responsible parenthood requires. . 

The fact that niether husband or wife is prepared for the magnitude of the changes, does not negate the need to make them, in my opinion. His wife has no choice, it happens no matter what she wants. He has a choice to mature or not. Who shoud adjust when the man will not make the transition? In my opinion, he should because there are more important needs to attend other than his own. 

I have a problem understanding why some men seem to feel that his wife and child should adjust to them. I am certain that most men have periods of time when men have no partner when are single that may last many months or even yrs. I assume many have no partnered sex and they manage somehow. It seems they can call on the same reserves to get through this temporary period with equanimity. 

It seems that the notion that men should make this transition as part of being a man and a father is not a popular. I sense that from some ofthe answers from men when this problem comes up on this forum. 

That is why I react strongly to what I see as an unfair burden placed on women to adjust to a man who seems to shuck his duties as a mannand father. It seems childlike that he places his needs above those of a helpless child. This along with the demands placed on the wife may be the begining of the resentment that some women develop towards their husband. A resentment that builds and affect their ability to maintain the sexual attraction she had prior to having a child.

If indeed this is the case , is it fair? I don't know. The answer seems to differ based on gender. Women live through it, men do as well but, their experience is colored by their view of thier priorities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*gender roles and burdens*

Catherine,
I understand your post in concept. This is what "I" hear when I listen to the messages given to young married men:
1. If you have a stay at home mom HER job is harder than yours. This is true whether she is caring for one child or five. Whether they are all healthy or some of them are special needs.
2. Therefore, since her job is harder than yours you need to suck it up and do a LOT around the house when you get home whether you work an 8 hour day or a 12 hour day.
3. And since her job is so hard, you need to minimize your sexual expectations until she says otherwise. 

I can only speak to my personal experience here. My W was adamant about being a SAHM. That said, she treated it like a job - all of it. And in return for working my a$$ off and providing well for her, she viewed part of her job as being keeping me happy. Simplistic - sure. Difficult for her when the kids were young - YOU BET. But she saw me making a lot of sacrifices as well. You really think in todays money culture a guy who does what he likes best regardless of income gets taken seriously by a majority of the female population? I don't. 

When I look at my wife and think of all those nights she loved me enough to make love to me even though she was tired, or stressed or just plain not in the mood I see tremendous commitment. To me, our marriage and yes ultimately our children who benefited from a stable happy house. And I am sure when she looks at me she sees someone who got up early, worked late, flew a million actual miles for various employers so she wouldn't have to worry about paying the bills or having kids in day care. 

I have no interest in todays "modern woman". She wants what she "had" in terms of old world female privilege, AND she wants what she was "promised" in terms of a level playing field everywhere else. As for what that leaves her husband - it seems like very little to me. 

Nor do I have much time for todays "modern man". He expects that one day - somehow - he will end up an executive even though at 5 PM he rolls out the door to meet his buddys for expensive drinks or a few hours of WoW. As for females and sex, well it seems like a whole lot of effort when he can simply enter Laptopistan and enjoy world class porn. As for how he functions in a marriage - I don't know. I imagine not so well as his expectations for others are far greater than they are of himself. 




Catherine602 said:


> Obviously I can not speak to the pressures young men feel when they first marry and have children. The men on this forum can speak better to that. Tge changes in their lives seem to come as a surprise to some men. It is just as surprising for women.
> 
> Pregnancy and childbirth brings many life changes that effect the mother directly and the father indirectly. Young may expect their wives to revert back to pre pregnancy sexual activity in a short time since she may be too uncomfortable to have sex soon after birth.
> 
> ...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

As for this couple, I think that they are doing wonderfully, the wife came here for help because she did not want to get angry with the man she loves. She is lovingly solving a real problem with an apparently good man who may not fully understand what she is dealing with. Would that more women would seek help instead of retreating mutely. 

I alway think from two sides of an issue so i can say that many of the problems women have are created by us. We don't know how to communicate with men, we don't bother to learn, we have no understanding of men and men are treated very badly both in image and reallity. I don't like to be critical of women but but since I was one of those clueless women I think I am allowed to speak. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> As for my context on this. During the first decade of our marriage we had sexual tension for most of it. I was aggressive and demanding. She complied almost daily but did so in a way that inflicted some real pain back on me. We deadlocked in a high frequency routine that caused BOTH of us distress. She took her pound of flesh by coming to bed late MANY nights giving me a choice of sex or some level of sleep deprivation. _ I offered her a schedule - less sex but stick to the schedule including bed time. She didn't like that. So she would keep me waiting I would get angry -_ she would apologize (it seemed sincere but nothing changed) and then bang my brains out. Ugh.... As for the "sex" itself it was fantastic. _As for feeling loved - it was a bust._ Finally we found a rhythm at a mutually agreeable frequency and she stopped punishing me for pressuring her. Great sex and feeling very desired. Killer combo. Great Wife.


Change sex with making time for affection, and I know those words well. I tried the 'logic' solution of different scheduling (and so did she to a point) ...and it wasn't going to happen. The only thing that made a dent there was a realigning of priorities closer to what they should be, and friendship first type approach. It was the issue I believed least likely to ever lead to the brink of separation on day 1, and the one that almost did.


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