# Hanging out with other people without spouse



## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

So lately I have started running with a group of people from work. Pretty much everyone at my work is male. We run at a place that has a bunch of people running. Sometimes I run in a group and sometimes its just one other guy. I usually go home after the run but the past few times I would grab dinner and have a beer with them. Its always been a group when I have dinner and women are also there. (I wouldn't have dinner with them if it wasn't a group). I invite my husband to come but he hates running, but I still tell him to come afterwards and grab food, but so far he hasn't joined me. 

I also on occasion go out with a group after work and have a few drinks at a bar or restaurant. 

My husband makes comments often when I go out like "Let me guess? It's you and guys?". I understand his comments but I invite him to come with me and he never does. I also always ask him if he is okay with it and I tell him if he isn't that I wont go. He always says its fine. 

Sometimes I feel like he says its fine just because he doesn't want to seem like the jealous type. I don't want him to be concerned or it affect our relationship in anyway. Would this affect your relationship and does this seem like a problem?


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Honestly, I wouldn't like my spouse spending that much time going to dinner and for drinks without me. I probably would not want to tell him he couldn't go but i would hope that he didn't want to go out that often without me. Even though I trust my husband 100%, I would just hope he would want to come home and spend a lot of that time with me rather than work friends. But really it would depend on how often. Once every couple weeks would seem perfectly fine, but several times a week would bother me and would seem to indicate something lacking in the relationship.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

He should be more assertive with his boundaries. He should be able to say, yes this bothers him ... because it looks like it does.

I get you asking him to come along but I would suggest he is not crazy about you doing a lot of this period. With or without him. I am thinking this is not his lifestyle. Is he shy? When he is around you and your friends does he get along or is he the outsider? 

How do you act around these guys? He may not want to watch. We cannot tell without more information. He may feel dominated. But I am totally guessing here.

Whay does he do? How often do you do this? How much time do you spend together sans others. One on one time. Do you have children?

When he says fine, he really wants you to come to the realization this is not so fine. Again a guess. But I would advise him to discuss boundaries with you and for him to assert what is ok and what is not ok.

What work do you do? I mean you work with guys. What is your role in that work?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Okay ...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/179858-want-feel-sexy-again.html#post7921314

This speaks volumes about the whole thing. 

It explains why he is not assertive.

It explains why he is concerened.

It explains why you seek these guys out.

So, he needs to get to the doctor ASAP. Get his T-levels checked. Then if his level are below say 500 he needs to get busy with a prescription and / or lifitng heavy and doing all those things that will invigorate him.

I am not saying you will cheat on him. But you are very vulnerable. He evidently does not feel he can compete with these other guys. This IS a major problem.

Also be honest with yourself while you enjoy being around these guys for all sorts of positive reasons you also feel the sexual tension. Realize you have not yet hit your sexual peak.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you spend a lot of time doing things with everyone but your husband.

How many hours a week to do you spend one-on-one with your husband doing things that you both enjoy.. together?


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## musashi (Apr 10, 2014)

I registered so I could comment on your post. I am speaking from experience and my situation is on going. You are playing with fire. My career and now my current situation have made one thing very clear to me, either I never knew it or had forgotten. Feelings and emotions are unpredictable and we don't have as much control over them as we think. Be careful.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

This is how Petraeus got caught up in an affair with another woman......


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I don't think anything is intrinsically wrong with hanging out with other people per se.

However , like Elegirl said , quality time need to be spent with ones spouse in order to invest emotionally in the relationship and build it.

If the time spent with friends is more and of a better quality , that is , you benefit more emotionally from spending time with your friends , then problems could arise in your relationship.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Caribbean Man said:


> I don't anything is intrinsically wrong with hanging out with other people per se.
> 
> However , like Elegirl said , quality time needs to be spent with ones spouse in order to invest emotionally in the relationship and build it.
> 
> If the time spent with friends is more and of a better quality , that is , you benefit more emotionally from spending time with your friends , then problems could arise in your relationship.


:iagree:

Nothing wrong with the fact that OP has a life. People should be able to do their own thing, even when in a relationship. It is, in fact, often recommended to keep a good balance in order to avoid the codependency trap...

So why doesn't OP's husband come along? Nothing to do with low T if you ask me. Maybe he just doesn't like running and talking about a business he doesn't know about during diner. 
If his boundaries -that word is used a lot on TAM- imply OP needs to stay at home with him all the time because of his own insecurities... well those don't seem like healthy boundaries to me.

If, on the other hand, the relationship is fragile in the first place, that would be a whole different ballgame... are husband's emotional needs met? (I spontaniously think of affirmation, quality time, touch, healthy sex life,...) 

And also, are OP's?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I know of 4 marriages that ended in D because the W started running with a bunch of dudes that weren't her husband. In each case, the hubby joined the club, but wasn't as in to it and quit. Then she ended up having an affair with one (in 2 cases multiple guys) from the running club.

I think he is very nervous about this and rightly so. He needs to man up, enforce boundaries and you need to not be so naive. This is the worst kind of fire to play with.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The vicious cycle.
You don't get your sexual needs met. So you start hanging out with other men. So your husband feels less like meeting your needs. And thus it all degenerates into something terrible.

You have sexual needs. Your husband has other emotional needs. THe cycle has to be one of both of you meeting each other's needs. What are your husband's emotional needs that you have to meet?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Although there isn't much wrong with what you are doing (to an extent).....what you are doing is just inappropriate and disrespectful towards your husband.

Put yourself in his shoes, would you let him play sport (let's say beach volleyball for ****s and giggles) with bunch of women? And then go out to the bar/dinner with them?

:scratchhead:

You see part of being in a relationship and keeping it healthy is not putting yourself in the situations where one might get in trouble easily. NOBODY is perfect and being around bunch of guys consistently (or women from his standpoint) is just asking for trouble.

Sorry, inappropriate/disrespectful.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Entropy3000 said:


> Okay ...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/179858-want-feel-sexy-again.html#post7921314
> 
> ...


I just read this thread...I sympathize with what she is dealing with at home, her husband has lost his sex drive admitting to her he doesn't know why he is like this...she has been struggling for 4 yrs...



> *tinybuddha58 said*: I do talk to him about it. I tell him that because he doesn't touch me that it makes me feel like he thinks im gross or unattractive. I tell him that I feel like i initiate everything and I tell him that I wish he would do more with me. I really miss the kissing, caressing, rubbing .... so frustrated!! I do all that for him! I know he likes it when I pay attention to him in such detail but why cant i get that back in return? Need help!!


She is stepping into a cesspool of temptation running & hanging with these men...when this is her reality at home.. Her husband needs to step up & they figure this out...or he is going to loose his wife...all women have an *emotional NEED* to feel desired by their husbands...HIGH DRIVE women like Tinybuddha .....even more so!


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Op, allow me to direct you to the CWI section. You, or your husband, will end up there shortly.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

> I am in my 20's, I'm a runner and I know that men find me sexy.


This quote is taken directly from your other thread. If you are running with men, and you know men find you sexy, it seems all this hanging out with them (running, drinking, hanging out at bars) is not as innocent as you want to make it seem.

You are craving male attention because you are sexually unsatisfied at home. You have said your sex life is extremely lacking.

At some point you are going to develop feelings for one of these guys if your needs aren't being met. It will start with a text or a joke, then progress from there. Couple that with alcohol, which ALWAYS impairs judgment, and you are facing an oncoming train.

You are married to a passive man. He is passive in bed (you say you want to be dominated and thrown in bed) and he doesn't float your boat. Even if you start having more sex with him, is it going to be fulfilling for you given that he isn't the dominant type? You seem to be a sexual mismatch. One of these male runners is going to turn on his Alpha charm for you, and that will be all she wrote.

Skip the running and drinking with men who are not your husband, and get yourselves into marriage counseling. And ask yourself honestly if your husband can ever "be" the kind of male you crave. If not, I think you know where this is heading.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

naiveonedave said:


> I know of 4 marriages that ended in D because the W started running with a bunch of dudes that weren't her husband. In each case, the hubby joined the club, but wasn't as in to it and quit. Then she ended up having an affair with one (in 2 cases multiple guys) from the running club.
> 
> I think he is very nervous about this and rightly so. He needs to man up, enforce boundaries and you need to not be so naive. This is the worst kind of fire to play with.


It's only natural to become closer to people you are around. This is basic human nature.

That's why I said it's up to individual to NOT put themselves into these situations and be respectful towards their SO.

I don't care how much trust/self control etc person might have. If you are around someone/environment long enough you WILL become like it/fall into it naturally.

OP also has to realize/accept that # of these guys would probably love to be with her. Most man will not even hang out with you if there is 0 attraction. Chances are MOST of them (if not all) wouldn't mind being with her.

Fact that there is # of them and only one women....that's extremely vulnerable IMO. OP, you are asking for trouble and playing with fire.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> This quote is taken directly from your other thread. If you are running with men, and you know men find you sexy, it seems all this hanging out with them (running, drinking, hanging out at bars) is not as innocent as you want to make it seem.
> 
> You are craving male attention because you are sexually unsatisfied at home. You have said your sex life is extremely lacking.
> 
> ...



I agree. This doesn't seem like something that is going to end well. Everyone has the right to explore their hobbies but you are spending a lot of time with those people (men). Your husband either isn't into it or is uncomfortable and being polite....if the later is the case he needs to stand up for himself more. If you suggested running but with just your husband would he do that with you?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> This quote is taken directly from your other thread. If you are running with men, and you know men find you sexy, it seems all this hanging out with them (running, drinking, hanging out at bars) is not as innocent as you want to make it seem.
> 
> You are craving male attention because you are sexually unsatisfied at home. You have said your sex life is extremely lacking.
> 
> ...


100% agree

And apologize to your husband for doing this. Make sure he knows it was a wrong move and very inappropriate and disrespectful.

Again, I doubt you would want him to run around with bunch of women/hanging out at bars etc.

As for "coming with you". No I would not want to go run/hang out with bunch of guys that most likely want to bang my wife. I would expect my wife to be mature/smart enough NOT to put herself into those situations.

And if she didn't, I would probably reconsider my relationship all together.

I will say it again, NO MAN will hang out with you if they have 0 sexual desire/attraction towards you. EVERY woman should know and accept that (and yes there are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule).


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like you spend a lot of time doing things with everyone but your husband.
> 
> How many hours a week to do you spend one-on-one with your husband doing things that you both enjoy.. together?


We don't have very much in common. On weekdays we normally have a few hours which consists of dinner. We typically do our own thing after that. Most things he enjoys are "one person" things like being on his computer. Weekends we get every other weekend together and we both do pretty good at not making other plans.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

musashi said:


> I registered so I could comment on your post. I am speaking from experience and my situation is on going. You are playing with fire. My career and now my current situation have made one thing very clear to me, either I never knew it or had forgotten. Feelings and emotions are unpredictable and we don't have as much control over them as we think. Be careful.


Thank you for this comment. I have to agree with you. My emotions have been a roller coaster lately and it makes me mad because I keep telling myself to not feel a certain way but I can't help it! No matter how much I tell myself how irrational my feelings are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

TinyBuddha,

Just reading your last post about the time you and your husband spend together, which really sounds like time together but apart, are you happy in this marriage?

You're young. Do you really want to spend many more years with someone who you don't have very much in common with, who wants to be doing "alone" activities, and doesn't want to have sex with you? Your feelings are not "irrational." You are caught in a situation that is unfulfilling and making you unhappy.

I feel qualified to speak on this subject. I spent 20 years in a very lonely marriage with a very LD partner. I finally got out.

I'm not advocating divorce; just suggesting you do some deep soul searching to find where your happiness lies.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

tinybuddha58 said:


> We don't have very much in common. On weekdays we normally have a few hours which consists of dinner. We typically do our own thing after that. Most things he enjoys are "one person" things like being on his computer. Weekends we get every other weekend together and we both do pretty good at not making other plans.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like you need to get creative.

Go for a walk/hike. How about a picnic? 

Biking?

Movie?

Maybe a nice drive in the countryside?

It's something that HE should be doing to but for now, focus on yourself.

You need to find a way to spend time together (whatever that might be). Without companionship/friendship....marriages fall apart.

It's HARD work.....


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> TinyBuddha,
> 
> Just reading your last post about the time you and your husband spend together, which really sounds like time together but apart, are you happy in this marriage?
> 
> ...


I agree, it seems like her husband is not even CLOSE to doing his 50%.

And it's CLEARLY pushing her/driving her away.

It's up to OP to continue and do her 50% and see if it makes her husband do the same.

if that doesn't work, time for serious conversation and bringing out the big guns. 

Current situation simply doesn't sound healthy or happy. 

Fix yourself FIRST OP and start working HARD on your 50%, FAST. Recognise that what you have been doing/are doing is WRONG and make sure you state that to your husband and cut it out now.

He needs to know and be assured that you know that your actions were completely inappropriate/disrespectful.

If what you have been doing has been going on for years (maybe in other forms) then you have your answer WHY he is the way he is.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I agree. This doesn't seem like something that is going to end well. Everyone has the right to explore their hobbies but you are spending a lot of time with those people (men). Your husband either isn't into it or is uncomfortable and being polite....if the later is the case he needs to stand up for himself more. If you suggested running but with just your husband would he do that with you?


I always try to get him to run with me and most of the time I run alone. He ran with me once after a "fall out" because I was upset he never did anything with me. I still bring it up, he always agrees and even gives me a day yet never follows through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Basically, it wouldn't bother me unless it happened more than once or twice a week, or was at the expense of things we'd normally do together. I would also come along afterwards for dinner and/or drinks occasionally, to get to know your friends and perhaps make new ones as well.

However, you and your husband don't have a lot in common, so it may be good for you both to work on developing some mutual interests and activities that will increase your intimacy and options for conversation, too. My wife and I have a great deal in common and spend a lot of time together on mutual interests and activities. We have a few disparate interests we pursue, and are usually apart during those - most involve going out with other people.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I see a wicked feedback loop here. Your husband feels less desire than he used to. You suffered thru it and are frustrated. You spend more time with the guys. That tanks his libido even further because he knows 1) you are in great shape, 2) other guys find you hot and 3) you enjoy spending time with the guys. Finding your husband with an even lower libido, you push for more time away. Do you see where you are going?

I'm not blaming you for everything here because your husband SHOULD be on top of himself and taking the responsibility to tend his health and marriage. But now, you are getting more resentment and want him to come to you more and more on YOUR terms. If your husband is not a runner, why try to force him to be one???

Also, I think these invites are designed for your husband to feel awkward enough to NOT want to attend. IMHO, you DO NOT WANT him to be with you and the guys. JMHO.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

tinybuddha58 said:


> I always try to get him to run with me and most of the time I run alone. He ran with me once after a "fall out" because I was upset he never did anything with me. I still bring it up, he always agrees and even gives me a day yet never follows through.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Take him out to dinner and have a heart to heart talk with him don't ask him tell him to be ready when you get home.
You have to express how serious you are but that you love him and want to make this work.
Take the bull by the horns.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Meetup.com and find a group of women to run with.
Problem solved.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Meetup.com and find a group of women to run with.
> Problem solved.


Weightlifter... you really know how to cut to the chase!

:smthumbup::iagree::smthumbup::iagree:


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Weightlifter... you really know how to cut to the chase!
> 
> :smthumbup::iagree::smthumbup::iagree:


Current title: Captain Obvious
Can i have a promotion to Major Obvious?

Be careful OP. All the men want in your pants. Some know very well how to slowly push boundaries and use your obvious love of the attention against you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Agree with one thing. At your ages, he should be all over you to the point you are annoyed by it.


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## Pufferfish (Sep 25, 2013)

Dear tinbuddha,

Might have missed it, but I don't think you said how often you do this. What's the draw? Is it the running or the socializing? Does it make any difference to run alone or is it really "meh" without the guys? 

As a guy, I think it would be great to run with a fit young woman. I can stare at her behind and literally chase her. The fact that she don't think much of her husband is a bonus. Her having drinks and food with me regular is opportunity for me to chip away at her boundaries without her even noticing. Get what I'm driving at?

Come on, you KNOW this bothers your husband. You are choosing to do this. Put yourself in his shoes. 

You guys are already on the rocks. If you care like you said, stop bonding with other guys and repair your bond with your husband. Get him to step up to the plate. If he won't or can't then leave. What you are doing now is messed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your husband is lazy. Lazy in love, lazy in bed and lazy in your relationship. 

You need to lay it on the line with him. Either he steps up and the two of you work on your relationship together or you are going to see a lawyer.

Period.

It really is that simple. 

And when you say it, you better mean it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Oh, and cut it out with the running and hanging out with the boys. Not cool. Act like a wife.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Hit the target twice in a row bandit. Yer scarin me.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Hit the target twice in a row bandit. Yer scarin me.


I am in a foul mood today.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don't see a problem with what you're doing as you're open and transparent with your H.

The fact that you keep inviting him with you yet he keeps turning you down and implying you're being inappropriate is very telling about his insecurities.
It's also seriously passive aggressive and if I were you I wouldn't allow it, I'd put my foot down about it and demand to know why he's playing this game.

Is it a problem?

Most definitely but it doesn't seem you are the one with the problem.

Talk to him.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

Pufferfish said:


> Dear tinbuddha,
> 
> Might have missed it, but I don't think you said how often you do this. What's the draw? Is it the running or the socializing? Does it make any difference to run alone or is it really "meh" without the guys?
> 
> ...


I'm not regular with running with the group. They run together once a week and sometimes I join, but lately (past three weeks) I decided to be consistent with it for 1) I run faster b/c I'm keeping up with them 2) Its just simply motivating and 3) yes for the companionship. The times I end up not going are because It can be time consuming to drive out of the way to run when I can simply do that at home. I'm definitely not driven to run with these people and I can easily give it up. Only twice have I stayed around afterwards and ONLY b/c I knew my husband wasn't home anyway. I don't ever go out when I know he is just sitting at home.

I know the people I hang out with from work. I socialize every day with these people. I feel that if i was to "fall" for one of them then it would happen regardless at work. I am not naive. The moment I meet a guy I can tell if he is interested. Are some of the runners? well yes. But they are respectful and have never pushed their boundaries. But I do understand how this could upset my husband. I love my husband and I do not want a divorce. We dont have much in common but everyday I find myself just wanting to be with him. I desire him all of the time. Is he lazy? YES. but he is a good person and means well. Some people asked what his needs are: I dont think he has much needs honestly. He always seems happy. I feel like I'm the one who always has to have the "emotions". I often feel like his caretaker but still even that said I am in love with him. 

I dont feel that this issue has anything to do with his low sex drive. These are two different situations. My entire life with him, he has dealt with me hanging out with men. Maybe I have been selfish to not consider his feelings about it. I understand them, but not enough to stop. The reasoning is #1) Im just constantly surrounded by men so they become my only friends. College was worse for my hubby b/c I dont feel like its fair that just because I am a girl means that I cant do anything. College and work is 95% men. The other reason is that If i didnt hang out with them , then I wouldn't hang out with anyone! MOST things I do though, I do them alone. and for the most part I am good with that.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Your husband is lazy. Lazy in love, lazy in bed and lazy in your relationship.
> 
> You need to lay it on the line with him. Either he steps up and the two of you work on your relationship together or you are going to see a lawyer.
> 
> ...


I want him to change but I don't even want to think about divorce! I don't think I could ever threaten with it. I don't want him even imagining that I could leave him any day.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

Entropy3000 said:


> Okay ...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/179858-want-feel-sexy-again.html#post7921314
> 
> ...


I have asked my husband to get his T levels checked and he agreed. He has cancelled the appt twice though and is now scheduled to go next week instead of 2 days ago. He thinks he is doing so much better and that he doesnt need to go. We have had sex twice in 14 days. An improvement? yes, Where I want to be? No. And he doesn't get it that its not just about sex, its the passion and flirting and such. Oh, and does work out almost daily all ready.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

DoF said:


> Sounds like you need to get creative.
> 
> Go for a walk/hike. How about a picnic?
> 
> ...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

DoF said:


> 100% agree
> 
> And apologize to your husband for doing this. Make sure he knows it was a wrong move and very inappropriate and disrespectful.
> 
> ...


The red above is what I was trying to get at earlier. He does not want to be the guy that is around these others that he knows are competeting for his wife. So any attention she throws them just makes him look vulnerable. If he was more agressive ( higher T ) he might run them off but he would not have to. She would be seeking time with him. But she is pulling him into her Alpha party. This is just one side of this of course, but no he does not want to be part of this.

But yes, this is heading in a very bad direction. He needs to step up.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tinybuddha58 said:


> I always try to get him to run with me and most of the time I run alone. He ran with me once after a "fall out" because I was upset he never did anything with me. I still bring it up, he always agrees and even gives me a day yet never follows through.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hmmm. Running again. I understand you like to run. But what can you two do that you both want to do?

Why did you get married? You need to think about that. What is it that made you feel you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tinybuddha58 said:


> I have asked my husband to get his T levels checked and he agreed. He has cancelled the appt twice though and is now scheduled to go next week instead of 2 days ago. He thinks he is doing so much better and that he doesnt need to go. We have had sex twice in 14 days. An improvement? yes, Where I want to be? No. And he doesn't get it that its not just about sex, its the passion and flirting and such. Oh, and does work out almost daily all ready.


How much does he Deadlift and or Squat? Does he do heavy Power Cleans? Works out every day? Hmmm. That can be counter productive.

So I guess this is great as long as he is lifting heavy and in between days he is running hills and matbe pulling a sled. Somehow I do not think this is what you mean.

BTW, he has needs you are tuned into. You know he does not want you doing what you are doing but you are going to do them anyway. Hmmm. Does not bide well. Soon enough you will begin to resent him for not taking a stand and for not meeting your needs.

But I am wondering why you two are together. It sounds like he has always been this way. Passive while his GF and now wife hang out with other men. Wow.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

Entropy3000 said:


> How much does he Deadlift and or Squat? Does he do heavy Power Cleans? Works out every day? Hmmm. That can be counter productive.
> 
> So I guess this is great as long as he is lifting heavy and in between days he is running hills and matbe pulling a sled. Somehow I do not think this is what you mean.
> 
> ...


What does deadlifting and squatting have anything to do with it? I was just saying he works out b/c someone mentioned that working out raises T levels. And i guess its more like 5 times a week with one of those days being boxing day. No cardio. 

I suppose I have made him insecure about our relationship by my actions. this makes me sad. I will definately be better. Its odd though, because in other situations he is the confident guy. He is the class clown with lots of friends and EVERYONE likes him. I'm the shy one, not him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tinybuddha58 said:


> What does deadlifting and squatting have anything to do with it? I was just saying he works out b/c someone mentioned that working out raises T levels. And i guess its more like 5 times a week with one of those days being boxing day. No cardio.


Where does he work out? Could you join him on some of his work outs?

What kinds of things does he like?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tinybuddha58 said:


> What does deadlifting and squatting have anything to do with it?
> 
> Testosterone.
> 
> ...


Where is he when you are out doing your thing? We ae trying to understand him and are looking for things you could do together.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So how would you feel if your H spent time after work in a yoga class with all the ladies at his office and then went to the bar with them. 

He would invite you along from time to time, but they would have their "inside" the circle jokes and chatter.

And your H declines to come with you? I not surprised and he makes comments about you doing this with all these wonderful men from your office. How would you like it? 

Think about it. Have you considered getting a new job and putting the effort into your marriage rather than going out of your way to run with the future OMs?


Wishing you the best marriage for you and your H.


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## Pufferfish (Sep 25, 2013)

tinybuddha58 said:


> I suppose I have made him insecure about our relationship by my actions. this makes me sad. I will definately be better. Its odd though, because in other situations he is the confident guy. He is the class clown with lots of friends and EVERYONE likes him. I'm the shy one, not him.


The problem your husband has with this situation is that he feels that he should not need to compete with other men for you. Was there anything you did to indicate to him that he has to? 

From my point of view, running with the guys once per week is reasonable. But from personal experience, the drinks afterwards are a bit iffy. Especially when there's is a problem at home. I'm assuming that you don't drink to excess. Maybe you should stop that part while you deal with your husband's insecurities. 

There's usually nothing wrong with socializing with people of the opposite sex but not when there is a problem in your marriage. Sort out you husband first because he clearly has the problems pointed out by the others here. Do you see your husband as a clown?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

tinybuddha58 said:


> I dont feel that this issue has anything to do with his low sex drive. These are two different situations. My entire life with him, he has dealt with me hanging out with men. Maybe I have been selfish to not consider his feelings about it. I understand them, but not enough to stop.


Can this be the reason why your husband is not too into it?

I would focus on this.

Once you fix yourself you still have a lot of work to do, figuring out why he is not making sure his wife is satisfied......and why he doesn't want you to rock his world.

Both are huge issues, but fix your end first and give it few months to see if it was just consequences of your actions. There might be HUGE resentment from him on this end (I have a feeling). Again, put yourself in his shoes, how would you like if he was always hanging out with women?

As for friends etc, find some women to hang out with. Better yet, start doing random things with him to see if you can spark interest.

If you guys can't find some common ground and spending more time together doing things, in time/in the end it will take toll on your marriage.

Good luck


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

tinybuddha58 said:


> I'm not regular with running with the group. Yes you are. See next sentence. They run together once a week and sometimes I join, but lately (past three weeks) I decided to be consistent with it for 1) I run faster b/c I'm keeping up with them 2) Its just simply motivating and 3) yes for the companionship. 1 2 and 3. For the attention. At least admit it. The times I end up not going are because It can be time consuming to drive out of the way to run when I can simply do that at home. So you spend extra extra time to do it. See above. I'm definitely not driven to run with these people and I can easily give it up. Cmon admit it. No you cant. Only twice have I stayed around afterwards Oh a bonus and ONLY b/c I knew my husband wasn't home anyway. I don't ever go out when I know he is just sitting at home.
> 
> I know the people I hang out with from work. I socialize every day with these people. I feel that if i was to "fall" for one of them then it would happen regardless at work. I am not naive. The moment I meet a guy I can tell if he is interested. Are some of the runners? well yes. So you hang with guys you KNOW want to bang you and are obvious enough about it. BTW if the number you see is less than half your radar is off. But they are respectful and have never pushed their boundaries. But I do understand how this could upset my husband. I love my husband and I do not want a divorce. YET, he has some pretty severe issues too. We dont have much in common but everyday I find myself just wanting to be with him. I desire him all of the time. Is he lazy? YES. but he is a good person and means well. Guess we will see him in CWI. How many times have we heard that one in the confession? Some people asked what his needs are: I dont think he has much needs honestly. He always seems happy. I feel like I'm the one who always has to have the "emotions". I often feel like his caretaker but still even that said I am in love with him. Your attraction is clearly dropping while you hang around men who want to bang you. niiiice.
> 
> I dont feel that this issue has anything to do with his low sex drive. Oh come on. These are two different situations. My entire life with him, he has dealt with me hanging out with men. Warning flag numero uno for future risk of affair. Women that almost only hang around men. Maybe I have been selfish to not consider his feelings about it. I understand them, but not enough to stop. Warning sign numero dos that even you know you are addicted to the attention another HUGE warning flag of a future affair. The reasoning is #1) Im just constantly surrounded by men so they become my only friends. GIANT WARNING FLAG NUMBER THREE of a future affair. College was worse for my hubby b/c I dont feel like its fair that just because I am a girl means that I cant do anything. Maybe he needs to hang around a bunch of bored housewives. Fair is fair. College and work is 95% men. Female engineer or programmer? The other reason is that If i didnt hang out with them , then I wouldn't hang out with anyone! Wrong. At least admit it to yourself. MOST things I do though, I do them alone. and for the most part I am good with that.


 No you are arent. At least admit it. You are doing something that annoys the crap out of him.

Facepalm
Sad
See you in considering separation section as your resentment grows and attraction wanes in a couple years
or 
him in CWI in the same time frame.

Hoping the first one so he at least does not have to deal with mind movies.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I see a wicked feedback loop here. Your husband feels less desire than he used to. You suffered thru it and are frustrated. You spend more time with the guys. That tanks his libido even further because he knows 1) you are in great shape, 2) other guys find you hot and 3) you enjoy spending time with the guys. Finding your husband with an even lower libido, you push for more time away. Do you see where you are going?
> 
> I'm not blaming you for everything here because your husband SHOULD be on top of himself and taking the responsibility to tend his health and marriage. But now, you are getting more resentment and want him to come to you more and more on YOUR terms. If your husband is not a runner, why try to force him to be one???
> 
> Also, I think these invites are designed for your husband to feel awkward enough to NOT want to attend. IMHO, you DO NOT WANT him to be with you and the guys. JMHO.


I agree with this. In addition there is another loop. The more she is hanging out with other men the less love and attraction her husband feels for her. No doubt he has been trained to not be needy and controling and cannot tell her how he really feels.

I don't think he can be the one to take the initiave to save this. As a matter of fact it would not surprise me if he asked for a divorce soon. He may even suspect you are already cheating.

A very small percentag of people run. I hate it. I played sports and take care of myself but I hate running. I expect your husband does too.

Btw, haven't read your other thread but by how you describe running, dining and drinking with other men, I would have dumped you long ago. I can't imagine what your husband is waiting on.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP. My wife is a Marathon class runner and in such excellent shape she is working on becoming a personal trainer. Her body is simply dynamite and she gets admiration and envy in equal doses.

She also gets along better with men than women.

She would never behave the way you do. For one I wouldn't have tolerated it and she wouldn't have had a shot at me. Your husband sounds like his self image is not very good. He probably thought getting you was worth putting up with your unwise behavior. So he is passive aggressive. 

You have told yourself at some point in your life that consistently hanging out with men that want to have sex with a married woman, is just fine and not damaging to your marriage at all.

You are gravely mistaken.

My wife runs with mostly women and if men are there, it is always in coed groups. She would not ever go out for drinks and dinner with a man only group. She does this because she values her relationship with me and loves me with her actions as well as words.

You are hugely disrespectful of your marriage and the idiots that want to bang you know it!

If you really love your husband, you need to love yourself a little less.

You need to change your behavior and invest in your marriage. Your H seems half checked out already.
Your constant insistence to hang out with men who want to get in your pants has very probably lessened your husband's attraction for you.

Step back and take a good look at yourself. Would you be attractive to any man for marriage? Any man who values respect and trust?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> I agree with this. In addition there is another loop. The more she is hanging out with other men the less love and attraction her husband feels for her. No doubt he has been trained to not be needy and controling and cannot tell her how he really feels.
> 
> I don't think he can be the one to take the initiave to save this. As a matter of fact it would not surprise me if he asked for a divorce soon. He may even suspect you are already cheating.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

Entropy3000 said:


> Where is he when you are out doing your thing? We ae trying to understand him and are looking for things you could do together.


He doesn't sleep well and always says he is tired yet being tired is never an excuse to not go to the gym just an excuse to do anything else (including me). I told him low T could be the cause for fatigue. He lifts weights at the gym. He is usually there for over an hour. I'm not sure exactly the amount of weights but he signed up for some program that tells him what to do. He weighs around 160 and is always trying to gain weight.
I'm an engineer. good job to "weightlifter" on the guess.
When I'm out with other people he is at work or the gym. I considered going with him but I work out at the house and I like to get my workout done as soon as I get home. He gets home too late.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

tinybuddha58 said:


> I'm an engineer. good job to "weightlifter" on the guess.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was not a guess. You write like a female engineer or programmer combined with your 95% male statement which led to a high probability of one of those two career choices.

Some here may attest to my scary abilities with technology and the ability to see the most likely outcomes before they happen. Its all in the patterns.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

tinybuddha58 said:


> He doesn't sleep well and always says he is tired yet being tired is never an excuse to not go to the gym just an excuse to do anything else (including me). I told him low T could be the cause for fatigue. He lifts weights at the gym. He is usually there for over an hour. I'm not sure exactly the amount of weights but he signed up for some program that tells him what to do. He weighs around 160 and is always trying to gain weight.
> I'm an engineer. good job to "weightlifter" on the guess.
> *When I'm out with other people he is at work or the gym.* I considered going with him but I work out at the house and I like to get my workout done as soon as I get home. *He gets home too late.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Add to the mix that you two have schedule issues. Why does he get home to late? Is it a long commute or is he working afternoons?


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Add to the mix that you two have schedule issues. Why does he get home to late? Is it a long commute or is he working afternoons?


His job is 5 minutes from the house. He works long days but gets more off days. So once he gets home he eats and then goes to the gym. I'm in bed when he gets home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

I just ran a half marathon 3 weeks ago. 56% of the half marathon finishers were women. OP's career may be 95% men, but her hobby (running) is not.
I think OP isn't getting enough attention at home and is looking for it outside her marriage. = > Playing with fire
Sorry OP


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Tiny,

Here's what I've gleaned from all of your posts (in this thread and others):

Your husband and you are not very compatible in the bedroom. You both prefer solitary activities and don't really have much in common. You've been running and hanging out with other men after work, presumably to get some of your needs met for attention that you're not getting from your husband.

*BUT...*

You are still in love with your husband, have no desire to divorce him, and can't imagine a life without him.

*SO....*

I'm not really sure what you're asking from us. Most of the posters here have asked you WHY you want to stay in a relationship where most of your needs are not being met.

You can keep asking the SAME question over in over in many different ways, but you are going to keep getting the SAME answer over and over.

If you're just here to vent and not looking for a real solution, nothing wrong with that. But understand that with each new clarification you present, we, on the outside as neutral observers, just keep seeing more and more red flags.

Unless you can offer some compelling new insight as to how this marriage will ultimately work, I just don't get it.

Don't mean to be harsh, just my 2 cents...


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## cjl (Jan 24, 2014)

Wow. This sounds too familiar to me. 

Tiny, your husband sounds a lot like I was just a few months ago. I will tell you how I felt.

I allowed my W to do things that I wasn't 100% on her doing. Having alone time with a male friend, going out with a female friend to bars and the odd dance with a stranger there, (maybe this happened 1 or 2 times a year), etc. Now I always trusted her but things like these gave me a uncomfortable feeling. I bet your H has these feelings when you go running and the after run gatherings. I didn't want to take things that made her happy away from her but she was crossing boundaries, but innocently. We didn't have concrete boundaries because I never really explained how I felt about these issues. Her boundaries in her mind was the extreme kind. Like no touching another man, (unless having to dance), no kissing, no sex, no putting our marriage down to other men, no talk of sex to another man. You know just the common boundaries we all might have. But there are things that she didn't know that bothered me. The result of these built up this wall where I didn't want to touch her much and low sex drive. I had been hurt so much over the years I allowed this wall to develop without her knowing. It was my fault. 
How would you try to see if your H is doing the same thing? Well obviously a heart to heart talk should do the trick. You could use my example if it would help. 
I have a feeling if he can knock that wall down all the attention you are not getting will change. He will then want to do what you want to do. You will also do things with him once you see his change. It works like a circle and just keeps going like that. He has to open up though. You have to make him feel like what he feels is very important even though he may feel stupid for feeling like that, like I did and still do sometimes.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

happy as a clam
I'm not really sure what you're asking from us. Most of the posters here have asked you WHY you want to stay in a relationship where most of your needs are not being met.
You can keep asking the SAME question over in over in many different ways said:


> My question for this thread was simply asking an opinion about hanging out with men. I got my answer and I appreciate it. Y'all are the ones who are turning it into something else so I just go with it. I do recognize that there are issues and hearing others opinions is helpful. Why are we a couple? He is the only guy I dated that has not driven me crazy. Why? Once men start giving me too much attention I push away. I hate it! My husband is happy with or without me but he chooses to be with me. Yes he would be devastated if i left him but he would move on. We have some things in common just not a lot. We have so few days where is just us together. Those are the days I am going to work on. I can't get him to do pretty much anything I want but I don't want our relationship to be like that. He wants to make me happy but he doesn't want to do things he doesn't like doing whereas I enjoy doing things he likes just because I know or makes him happy. I just want to open his eyes so he can understand that it's affecting me that I'm always the one doing what he wants.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

tinybuddha58 said:


> My question for this thread was simply asking an opinion about hanging out with men.


No man is going to be happy about his wife constantly hanging out with other men. 

I imagine you would feel the same if your husband were constantly hanging out with women.

With that said, if there are other issues in your marriage, where you are dissatisfied, then talk to your husband. But to think that hanging out with other dudes all the time is the way to resolve those issues or that your husband will be fine with it, when he's clearly not, is not the answer.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

tinybuddha58 said:


> He is the only guy I dated that has not driven me crazy. Why? Once men start giving me too much attention I push away. I hate it!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Define "to much attention"?

Would you push away your husband if he gave you "to much attention"?


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> No man is going to be happy about his wife constantly hanging out with other men.
> 
> I imagine you would feel the same if your husband were constantly hanging out with women.
> 
> With that said, if there are other issues in your marriage, where you are dissatisfied, then talk to your husband. But to think that hanging out with other dudes all the time is the way to resolve those issues or that your husband will be fine with it, when he's clearly not, is not the answer.


I just started the running group! Its no way "constantly" I think I've run a total of 7 times but I was planning on running weekly. Other than that I only hang out with these people at work conferences and twice this year I went to a restaurant/bar environment. Only twice. That isn't constant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

tinybuddha58 said:


> My question for this thread was simply asking an opinion about hanging out with men. I got my answer and I appreciate it. Y'all are the ones who are turning it into something else so I just go with it. I do recognize that there are issues and hearing others opinions is helpful. Why are we a couple? He is the only guy I dated that has not driven me crazy. Why? Once men start giving me too much attention I push away. I hate it!


In that case, you shouldn't be married or in a relationship. As those usually = a lot of attention from your mate.

Or find someone that likes little attention as well?



tinybuddha58 said:


> My husband is happy with or without me but he chooses to be with me. Yes he would be devastated if i left him but he would move on. We have some things in common just not a lot. We have so few days where is just us together. Those are the days I am going to work on. I can't get him to do pretty much anything I want but I don't want our relationship to be like that. He wants to make me happy but he doesn't want to do things he doesn't like doing whereas I enjoy doing things he likes just because I know or makes him happy. I just want to open his eyes so he can understand that it's affecting me that I'm always the one doing what he wants.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like he is not willing to compromise. Has it always been this way or just started recently?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My hb and I are both very active in the running community. I run in my sports bra with men all the time, without my husband. However, I seldom go out after that; we chat on the run and then go home. The other important detail is that my needs are met at home; I'm looking for training partners and that's it. I want to go home for my more intimate needs.

If there's food or drink involved we go together. I have seen many affairs start like this and know of a number of divorces.

If you're not getting your needs met at home it's only a matter of time until one of these guys steps in. Deal with the marriage or get out; I've seen this happen too many times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

Tobyboy said:


> Define "to much attention"?
> 
> When everything they do resolves around them wanting to be around me I go crazy. I want them to get a life. I'm glad my husband can do things without me. I couldn't imagine him ever giving me too much attention though. I suppose it's possible if he turned into a different person!
> 
> Would you push away your husband if he gave you "to much attention"?


_Posted via Mobile Device_

My response is in the middle of the quote. Posting with my phone sucks!


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

DoF said:


> In that case, you shouldn't be married or in a relationship. As those usually = a lot of attention from your mate.
> 
> Or find someone that likes little attention as well?
> 
> ...


Its always been this way. I guess it's me that's the idiot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

You sound like my wife and are already doing a lot of the same stuff. She was fiercely defending her love for me. Like your husband, I wasn’t into this stuff she was into with her co-worker buds. She wanted to be ‘social’. I’m not that guy; Introvert. And these were her friends… I was the outsider left guarding the table as her and her friends did their thing like play foosball, pool, etc. and chatted. Never part of the conversation, it was work; her work and their shared interest, not my interest. Basically, not fun for me. 

And there was the early demonizing and mind-reading. She believed she knew how I felt, what I thought, and how I’d react to things. So she’d convince herself that I’d be ok if the marriage failed, that I only valued her for certain things, and on and on. Over time, who I was in her head was a completely fictitious person. Why? Because she never talked to me; too busy talking to her new friends which also included their take about me. No one even really knew me.

Then, that first kiss in a drunken moment. Ashamed, excited… and none of these new friends cared or seemed concerned. More of a ‘we figured that’d happen eventually’ attitude. It went farther and was casual because she was married and they couldn’t be together; just friends…. FWB. She didn’t get caught because essentially, she’d already isolated ‘home & marriage’ as another life. The two worlds were kept separated. That right there should seem somewhat “odd”. I’m guessing you feel at this point and already identify that there is a split; You are ‘this’ when at home (“Our Life”), and ‘that’ when you are not (“My Life”).

Just a matter of time before you start believing one does not affect the other because you are well on your way to isolate them into two fully separate things. Does that sound like a ‘whole person’ to you? 

In time, there will be a kiss. You’ll freak and be excited all the same. And because it’s separated and your husband won’t have a clue, you’ll (based on most) act like a teenage girl rebelling against her parents: What they don’t know won’t hurt how they look at you right?

That’s how my wife became a serial adulterer with a series of quasi-boyfriends she’d mess around with and then come home to be someone else. My foggy wife’s confession…“I felt alive, desired, and wanted. They all knew it couldn’t be serious. It meant nothing and I was just having fun. Don’t ruin this for me; they are happy memories.”

It destroyed me, the marriage, our family. She’s suicidal now because everything she built with me, is no longer secure. I no longer love her like that. Family, friendships, etc. are all tainted because they see her different.

So, just be forewarned about the dangerous path you chosen to go. My wife also told herself she’d never cheat and loved me. You need to refocus so it’s all “Our life” instead of having a separate life outside your home.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

DoF said:


> In that case, you shouldn't be married or in a relationship. As those usually = a lot of attention from your mate.
> 
> Or find someone that likes little attention as well?


My husband does require little attention which is why it works. I dated men that should be perfect for me. Everything in common. They completely get me. Yet after a while they would drive me crazy! I don't know my issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> No man is going to be happy about his wife constantly hanging out with other men.
> 
> I imagine you would feel the same if your husband were constantly hanging out with women.
> 
> With that said, if there are other issues in your marriage, where you are dissatisfied, then talk to your husband. But to think that hanging out with other dudes all the time is the way to resolve those issues or that your husband will be fine with it, when he's clearly not, is not the answer.


Yep

Hanging out with men = adding fuel to the fire doing further damage to marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Thanks, DoF. That was the point I was trying to make.

Ultimately, no man wants his lady hanging out with all guys many times.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

So one of my coworkers is trying to set up a "pool night". Probably will be other women. So once I invite my husband and if he declines. That automatically puts me out? That sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tinybuddha58 said:


> He doesn't sleep well
> 
> *That in itself lowers T levels.*
> 
> ...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

tinybuddha58 said:


> So once I invite my husband and if he declines. That automatically puts me out? That sucks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This thread is really starting to exasperate me. If your husband declines (again, for the umpteenth time) why the h*ll are you even married?!

If he doesn't want to be with you and do what spouses do, what's the point? One of the reasons you get married is to _be together._

:banghead:

(Is it 5:00 yet anywhere on these boards?! I need to go make myself a stiff martini.)


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

tinybuddha58 said:


> So one of my coworkers is trying to set up a "pool night". Probably will be other women. So once I invite my husband and if he declines. That automatically puts me out? That sucks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you have any female friends? 

Why do you feel you have to participate in all of your co-workers extracurricular activities?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Just a few clarifications needed...

When you say *pool night*... are you talking about running around a swimming pool, scantily clad in your bikini, with a bunch of men?

*OR*

Do you mean hanging out at a bar drinking with a bunch of men so they can all look down your shirt and check out your a$$ while you bend over to shoot a game of pool?

Either of these is about as far removed from running as it gets (which your husband does not like to participate in) so _why in the world would he not want to go with you?_

And finally, some advice (although you didn't ask)... Mixing so much business with pleasure is never a good idea. Coworkers are not your "friends"... they are, well, _coworkers._ Frequent alcohol-fueled get-togethers never leads to more professionalism in an office setting.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> This thread is really starting to exasperate me. If your husband declines (again, for the umpteenth time) why the h*ll are you even married?!
> 
> If he doesn't want to be with you and do what spouses do, what's the point? One of the reasons you get married is to _be together._
> 
> ...


This thread is wearing me out too!! He doesn't relate with the same people I relate with. He only likes spending time with his friends. I guess he is out of his element with mine. I hang out with intellectual/nerdy/out of the box people. He likes normal/preppy type.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

tinybuddha58 said:


> This thread is wearing me out too!! He doesn't relate with the same people I relate with. He only likes spending time with his friends. I guess he is out of his element with mine. I hang out with intellectual/nerdy/out of the box people. He likes normal/preppy type.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Somehow, some way you need to get it to be something he wants too. I’d love it if there was just some way you could get across this ‘not doing stuff together’ is going to end badly. But I have no idea how you’d do that without it sounding like a threat. Maybe marriage counceling or some book (which would all recommend you do stuff together)?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Most of my close friends are women so I can't even imagine hanging out with all dudes all the time. And I am single.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

Racer said:


> Somehow, some way you need to get it to be something he wants too. I’d love it if there was just some way you could get across this ‘not doing stuff together’ is going to end badly. But I have no idea how you’d do that without it sounding like a threat. Maybe marriage counceling or some book (which would all recommend you do stuff together)?


10-4. Thanks men and women. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, you are going down a dangerous path. I have no idea what your hangup is with getting attention from a spouse or BF is. Maybe you had a helicopter mom or dad and you feel smothered the moment someone tries to show that they care for you. Who knows at this point. 

One engineer to another: Whether you like it or not, you have been assigned a project to Improve/Optimize/Save a Marriage. Your KPOV's are happiness/love/long marriage. You need to figure out what your KPIVs are to measure success. Also, you will need to apply Poka Yoke and do some Kaizen blitzes in order to find those special cause issues that directly affect the marriage. 

Your current scope is way to narrow to provide tangible results. That's one bit of advice to give you right from the start.

Good luck. If you are serious about the project, we're here to help.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Btw; This thread does bother me because I was somewhat like your husband and stuck in my ways. I have severely beaten myself up over it. At the time the attitude was more like the “I bought the cow.” By that I meant we took vows, which I took seriously (as did she at first). But I relied on them entirely. She should love me, she should want me, she won’t cheat, etc. I never really contemplated or looked very hard at what I was doing to warrant that kind of perception. I stopped dating her and just did the household stuff I thought a ‘husband’ should be doing. 

And I have no idea what might have changed my mind back then. I was really stubborn with ideas about how marriage and all this works. I didn’t value that it’s hard f’n work to remain an attractive option my wife would continue to choose regardless of vows.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

tinybuddha58 said:


> Its always been this way. I guess it's me that's the idiot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, I wouldn't say idiot. Don't be too hard on yourself.

But you made a mistake that MANY people make and it's one of the reasons for such a high marriage failure.

You assumed that your husband would change when you got married and become a different person than he was prior.

HUGE mistake

Regardless, what's done is done. You still love him and want to fix the marriage correct?

I already stated this but let me give you step by step again:

Step 1
completely stop ANY male relationships. Acknowledge to your husband that it was wrong for you to do that and apologize to him. Tell him you will do your best to be with him more and you simply don't know what you were thinking running etc with these guys.

Step 2
Redefine the boundaries to make sure you guys are on the same page. Make sure one of the boundaries is what you were doing wrong. Make sure that he knows/realizes that you accept responsibility for your wrong actions!!!!!

Step 3
Start taking steps to cover 50% of your responsibility as a partner (some of the things you said you were doing). Come up with ideas, pull him off the couch if you have to......get him to do things TOGETHER (whatever that might be)....even if BOTH of you have no interest. Take a walk few times a week, go hiking.....go do WHATEVER. On the intimacy end, make sure you keep him happy/satisfied. Go up to him, wip it out and show him how important it is to you that he is satisfied. Make sure you have sex with him 2-3 times a week AT LEAST. FORCE HIM if you have to (sometimes us men need a little domination too....)

Again, these are all examples/suggestions.....YOU have to be creative and come up with things on your own. 

Step 4
During Step 4 you need to gauge/notice HIS 50%. See if he is willing to compromise and cover his end. See if he takes the initiative to do things and spend more time together etc. Same on intimacy end. If a man loves you he will want to spend every min of the day with you and be with you sexually as much as possible. HIS ACTION = indicator of his love/involvement and seriousness of this relationship (NOT WORDS)
*
Step 3 and 4 should be given at least 3-6 months IMO (but that's up to you). Give him time and just cover your own end!!!
*

Step 5 ( only under the assumptions that he is still a lazy bum and doesn't want to do anything and has 0 desire to be intimate and doesn't even care that you are satisfied)

You sit down with him and tell him that you have been doing EVERYTHING in your power to be the best wife that you can be and to get you guys together etc and you feel that he is completely dis attached/doesn't want to spend time with your or be intimate etc (whatever is important to you). At this point you need to tell him that all of these things are important to you and you will have to ask him for separation and divorce if it doesn't change.

Make sure you give it AT LEAST 3-6 months for the entire "male relationship" thing to blow over and cover your 50% before this conversation takes place.

Think of this as "fair warning to him". If he loves you and is serious, he WILL take this seriously!

Step 6, you should already know what that is assuming he doesn't change. 

Unless of course you are willing to accept this sort of relationship (personally I wouldn't but that's your call/your life/your future)

Good luck, hope that helps


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Racer said:


> Btw; This thread does bother me because I was somewhat like your husband and stuck in my ways. I have severely beaten myself up over it. At the time the attitude was more like the “I bought the cow.” By that I meant we took vows, which I took seriously (as did she at first). But I relied on them entirely. She should love me, she should want me, she won’t cheat, etc. I never really contemplated or looked very hard at what I was doing to warrant that kind of perception. I stopped dating her and just did the household stuff I thought a ‘husband’ should be doing.
> 
> And I have no idea what might have changed my mind back then. I was really stubborn with ideas about how marriage and all this works. I didn’t value that it’s hard f’n work to remain an attractive option my wife would continue to choose regardless of vows.


This is gold! 

I was in a similar position to the OP when I was married. My ex would make little side comments about how I was always ignoring him, but from my perspective he never DID anything to pay attention to. He would dink around with his cars and watch old movies and surf the web. If I didn't want to do one of those things, then I was ignoring him. I suggested dinners out, going to modern-era movies, volunteering, joining clubs, reading books together....all kinds of stuff. He didn't want to do any of those things and if I could coax him out, it was absolutely miserable. He in fact told me he didn't have to do things like that because "we were married now". 

In his favor though, he didn't seem terribly surprised when I told him I was moving out. Or maybe he just didn't care. Same difference now, I guess.

In my situation, I gave up and just went and did the things I wanted to do. Usually told him where I was going and let him know he was welcome, but rarely got even a grunt in response. To me, if you make a good faith effort to include him and he consistently declines to participate in activities you're interested in, then you really have no obligation to spend your life watching him type on his computer because he doesn't want to do anything other than that. If he doesn't like what you're doing or where you're going, a big part of it is on him to offer a mutually acceptable alternative.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I can summarize above with few simple words

Marriage = companionship. what you described above is NO companionship AT ALL (read: not a marriage or relationship)


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## cjl (Jan 24, 2014)

COGypsy said:


> This is gold!
> 
> I was in a similar position to the OP when I was married. My ex would make little side comments about how I was always ignoring him, but from my perspective he never DID anything to pay attention to. He would dink around with his cars and watch old movies and surf the web. If I didn't want to do one of those things, then I was ignoring him. I suggested dinners out, going to modern-era movies, volunteering, joining clubs, reading books together....all kinds of stuff. He didn't want to do any of those things and if I could coax him out, it was absolutely miserable. He in fact told me he didn't have to do things like that because "we were married now".
> 
> ...


I totally agree. 

I now like going anywhere with my W. Doesn't matter what. I no longer sit in front of a game all weekend. We go out on Friday after work and usually spend all weekend together. I love being with her. Everything about our relationship has improved because of it. Important part was setting solid boundaries that are comfortable for both of us.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

cjl said:


> I totally agree.
> 
> I now like going anywhere with my W. Doesn't matter what. I no longer sit in front of a game all weekend. We go out on Friday after work and usually spend all weekend together. I love being with her. Everything about our relationship has improved because of it. Important part was setting solid boundaries that are comfortable for both of us.


But it's your overall interest in each other that makes it work, in my opinion. If the ex had tried to "set solid boundaries" with me when he couldn't be bothered to ask me how my day was or go to dinner on my birthday....it would not have ended well. 

Not. Well. At. All.


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## ericthesane (May 10, 2013)

There are many things that goes beyond the bit about running with a group of men and your original question.

However, my take on this is:


You like to run, and you like to run in a group.

I am the same, even though my choice is bicycling. (Roadbike).

Biking in a group push you, makes you go faster and longer than you do on your own. I am part of a group of about 8 guys that get together 1-2 times a week for a 30-50 mile run (I live in the south so I can pretty much bike any day outside the rainy season).

My wife has no intrerest in biking, or the physical stamina too keep up. I am in the same situation as you in that my wife has little or no interest in a physical relationship with me, and it is part of my 180 to pursue hobbies on my own; if she will not take part in it; it is her loss.

However; I get together with these guys because we have biking in common. We dont work together. Generally speaking the adage 'dont mix business and pleasure' is a good principle to live by.

This is an all guy group and we do go for a beer and something to eat after evening runs (the apetite you build up after 50 miles on a bike is urgent . And, guess what we talk about ? good trails, best cranksets, what shoes are good, the wind... there is no shop talk becaus we dont work together.

However, I also know there are all women groups that bikes as well. 

This is where meetup.com is such a great invention.

Unless you live in a very unusual place, there ARE women that want to run with others, push each other, and want to go out for a drink afterwards to get away from the everyday.

Is that not an option for you. You get to run with others, without any sort of sexual tension or getting into anything with people from the place you work ?

Please consider this.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

COGypsy said:


> He in fact told me he didn't have to do things like that because "we were married now"..


Ugh... Painful. I've said those words. And it only got worse when kids came along making it even harder not to use them as an excuse to go out with her for some "us" time.

Also remember though, it's a two-way street. My wife should also be working on making sure she's still the attractive option I want to be with. That means balancing out the normal nagging with compliments and attention. 

None of it is easy. Best advice is to never stop dating each other and continue to try and put as much energy into it as you did when you were dating even if that means blowing off something else. Start making excuses why to go out with your spouse rather than ones for why you should do this without him.


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## cjl (Jan 24, 2014)

COGypsy said:


> But it's your overall interest in each other that makes it work, in my opinion. If the ex had tried to "set solid boundaries" with me when he couldn't be bothered to ask me how my day was or go to dinner on my birthday....it would not have ended well.
> 
> Not. Well. At. All.



interest=love

For sure. I now listen to every part of her day and ask for more sometimes. Always ask questions too. She does the same. TV off, computer off no distractions. Maybe this is missing from Tiny's marriage.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

tinybuddha58 said:


> This thread is wearing me out too!! He doesn't relate with the same people I relate with. He only likes spending time with his friends. I guess he is out of his element with mine. I hang out with intellectual/nerdy/out of the box people. He likes normal/preppy type.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


List for us the reasons you agreed to marry him. 1-10.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tinybuddha58 said:


> My question for this thread was simply asking an opinion about hanging out with men. I got my answer and I appreciate it. Y'all are the ones who are turning it into something else so I just go with it. I do recognize that there are issues and hearing others opinions is helpful. Why are we a couple? He is the only guy I dated that has not driven me crazy. Why? Once men start giving me too much attention I push away. I hate it! My husband is happy with or without me but he chooses to be with me. Yes he would be devastated if i left him but he would move on. We have some things in common just not a lot. We have so few days where is just us together. Those are the days I am going to work on. I can't get him to do pretty much anything I want but I don't want our relationship to be like that. He wants to make me happy but he doesn't want to do things he doesn't like doing whereas I enjoy doing things he likes just because I know or makes him happy. I just want to open his eyes so he can understand that it's affecting me that I'm always the one doing what he wants.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would not be okay with my wife doing what you are doing. I think it is risky behavior and it is especially bad under your circumstances.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tinybuddha58 said:


> So one of my coworkers is trying to set up a "pool night". Probably will be other women. So once I invite my husband and if he declines. That automatically puts me out? That sucks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Pool as in swimming pool? Or as in the game of?

Some people love swimming pool ativities as they can be fun. No way would I think this is a good idea without your partner. Now we add skimpy clothing and pool play and so on. It also moves this to a private residence.

Just an escalation of things. With your hubby. Great. Without .. OMG.

This is when folks start spending the night because they had too much to drink.

Playing pool? I also think that would be better as a couple.

I am seeing this :

1) Instigation -- running group, pool parties.

2) Isolation -- You and your hubby are isolated during these activities. It leaves room for others to move in on you. You are vulnerable. This isoaltion is fixin to ( Texas term ), escalate to wearing less clothing at someone's home. Someone could run a Kino escalation here. They just eed to wait until you are emotioanlly at your end, upset with your hubby, you drink too much and the opportunity presents itself. There is no spouse around to be concerned about.

3) Escalation -- One instigation leads to another. Either way, the pool party sounds like fun. But it is an escalation and lends itself to serious escalation. Oh darn. Only a couple of women showed up without their hubbies but all the guys did. The opportunities boggle.

But I feel you are leading us down this road of escalated questions about what is ok for a person to do without their spouse.

Maybe you want to find out when he will object. A "test". Maybe not consciously even.

Maybe he is getting his needs met somewhere else as well.

I have always loved to play pool with goodlooking women. It is a fun game and we all get to stare at them as has been suggested. 

But now what you wear is added to the variables. Skimpy bikini? Playing pool with a peekaboo blouse? I am not saying you would do either, but you get more attention that way. More invites too. So you would be sending a subtle message. If your hubby was there, then these are less of an issue. Otherwise some guy is going to notice your mate is not with you. They will deduce you are having a problem.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

I just got caught up on this one and I see trouble on the horizon. 

You're way too young for your husband to be uninterested in sex and you're obviously craving attention, and I don't blame you.

I'm a runner and I really like women who are runners. By the way, my wife is also a runner, so I'm good there. But most of the male runners also really like women runners, so you're really appealing to them. 

As they realize your husband isn't into the running scene, they'll be emboldened to push, crossing boundaries. It's going to be easy for you to rationalize being receptive to the attention from the male runners, since your husband doesn't seem to be that interested in you sexually, or in a lot of other ways. 

What happens when one of these runners is really attractive to you and you love being with him? It's going to take a lot of resolve to keep your boundaries intact as you also think about how your husband won't jump on you when you dress sexy for him.

I hate to say it, and I wish you the best, but I don't see a lot of hope here long term. You two really need to find things you both like and can both do together. You're really young and this is way too early to have these kinds of problems.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

DoF said:


> Well, I wouldn't say idiot. Don't be too hard on yourself.
> 
> But you made a mistake that MANY people make and it's one of the reasons for such a high marriage failure.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your time in reading my posts and caring enough about a complete stranger to comment.


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## Pufferfish (Sep 25, 2013)

tinybuddha58 said:


> I'm not regular with running with the group. They run together once a week and sometimes I join, but lately (past three weeks) I decided to be consistent with it for 1) I run faster b/c I'm keeping up with them 2) Its just simply motivating and 3) yes for the companionship.


After having a think about your answer at 3). and reading your subsequent posts I have to say that I am more than a little dismayed. 

3). says you are basically seeking the company of other men and the running is a mere pretence. 

I notice that 1-2) is also to do with "the guys". Freudian slip maybe? Maybe I'm reading too much into it. 

Your husband is further up Sh*t creek than he knows and you care to admit. I don't think he has his paddle either. 

Now you are concerned about your husband not wanting to go to your "Pool night" and you not being able to go as a result. Lady, you are an affair waiting to happen.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> List for us the reasons you agreed to marry him. 1-10.


I'm in trouble...

This week I asked him why does he love me. He said because I'm his and I'm sweet.... LAME but I don't have much better!!

A few days before that I asked him if he thought we had anything in common. He said "no". I said "Is that okay?" and he said " I guess since we are never mad at each other". :/

But let me try... 
1) His sensitivity towards animals
2) His loyalty 
3) His humor (he makes everyone laugh)
4) His looks 
...okay this is bad...


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

Pufferfish said:


> After having a think about your answer at 3). and reading your subsequent posts I have to say that I am more than a little dismayed.
> 
> 3). says you are basically seeking the company of other men and the running is a mere pretence.
> 
> ...


I think you are reading too much into it. I honestly don't care about running with these people. I dont dwell on it and get excited about or anything. I actually dont usually want to go but I know when I go that I run better due to the competition. When I said companionship, I just mean that I am admitting to enjoying company of people that I relate to. I have no emotional connection to these ppl.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I have been following your thread and thought I'd offer my observations if they may be of help:

I find it interesting that in your case opposites attract (well not exact opposites but you get what I mean) - this is exactly the case with my wife and I and it took me a few years to understand that although she and I were different (just like you and your husband) she truly loved and desired me but also that I needed to do more.

She literally had to drag me screaming and fighting out to social events with her friends and insisted on going out with me and my friends as couples too. She did a lot of the hard work and I adore her for that. She loves the gym and running - I love music and theatre. We have interests in different sports and even types of movies but accompany each other as much as possible while allowing space too when we need it.

She is very attractive and I know men hit on her all the time - and I never expressed any concern although I sometimes felt it - she on the other hand must have sensed this and always shut these guys down so hard that I completely lost previous concerns.

This is not to say we did not have our own problems and had a bit of a rocky start but have been married now for 30 years!

Please continue with what you are doing - talking to him, reassuring him with your actions, not just words etc. The best advice I can give you is to drag his arse out to social events with you - don't ask him just take him by force! Kind of ...

You are a strong and good person and wife who is fighting for her marriage - well done. Don't stray from this path - but I think you already know that. You married your husband for good reasons.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> I have been following your thread and thought I'd offer my observations if they may be of help:
> 
> I find it interesting that in your case opposites attract (well not exact opposites but you get what I mean) - this is exactly the case with my wife and I and it took me a few years to understand that although she and I were different (just like you and your husband) she truly loved and desired me but also that I needed to do more.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. It actually brought me to tears. I want to be the best person I can be for him. This gives me more hope.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

tinybuddha58 said:


> So one of my coworkers is trying to set up a "pool night". Probably will be other women. So once I invite my husband and if he declines. That automatically puts me out? That sucks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol, what sucks is that you would want to go without your husband.

You two need MC. There doesn't seem to be a real mariage going on here. You both need IC to see what's going on there.

What does your husband say when you tell him he is not fullfilling your sexual needs?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tinybuddha58 said:


> I'm in trouble...
> 
> This week I asked him why does he love me. He said because I'm his and I'm sweet.... LAME but I don't have much better!!
> 
> ...


Yup, 
It is bad.


Are you willing to try MC?

And do you think he would be willing to try?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

tinybuddha58 said:


> I'm in trouble...
> 
> This week I asked him why does he love me. He said because I'm his and I'm sweet.... LAME but I don't have much better!!
> 
> ...


Yeah...

I wish states would require a minimum three year dating period prior to granting marriage licenses. 

Just for this reason. 

You married a guy who was not compatible. You don't list one aspect of his personality that would make a woman lust after a man. Everything you listed was practical. As for tjhe looks, love goggles are responsible for alot of that.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah...
> 
> I wish states would require a minimum three year dating period prior to granting marriage licenses.
> 
> ...


Oh come on bandit... loyal, humorous, good looking,.... should count for something. And kind to animals as well :rofl:

Anyway, I sense we're going to another alpha crap discussion with this...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Chaparral said:


> Lol, what sucks is that you would want to go without your husband.
> 
> You two need MC. There doesn't seem to be a real mariage going on here. You both need IC to see what's going on there.
> 
> What does your husband say when you tell him he is not fullfilling your sexual needs?


She doesn't want to go without her spouse. She wants to go. She wants to do things with him, as far as I can tell. But they can't find things to do together, unfortunately.

C


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

TinyBuddha needs to learn an art that many wives have mastered very successfully: the art of dragging one's husband's arse to social events. Very effective!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> TinyBuddha needs to learn an art that many wives have mastered very successfully: the art of dragging one's husband's arse to social events. Very effective!


She has to really want it. She has to tell him that it is important to her that he goes. Again, neither of them understand and truly care about the needs of the other.

But it is VERY hard to separate this issue from the marital intimacy issues period.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

IMHO, Tiny Buddha does not want to be tied down period. She thought his reasons for loving her were LAME. They weren't the most well thought out list, but neither were they so shallow like telling her he loves her because she's great in bed or a great cook either. She already admitted that it's very easy for a guy to "smother her", where as soon as the guy expresses an interest in wanting to spend time with her, she wants to push him away. 

Who in their right mind wants to marry someone because they only express the bare minimum of interest in her? Sure as hell sounds like she wanted a roommate more than a husband. She likes her independence and wants to preserve as much of it as possible. JMHO.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> IMHO, Tiny Buddha does not want to be tied down period. She thought his reasons for loving her were LAME. They weren't the most well thought out list, but neither were they so shallow like telling her he loves her because she's great in bed or a great cook either. She already admitted that it's very easy for a guy to "smother her", where as soon as the guy expresses an interest in wanting to spend time with her, she wants to push him away.
> 
> Who in their right mind wants to marry someone because they only express the bare minimum of interest in her? Sure as hell sounds like she wanted a roommate more than a husband. She likes her independence and wants to preserve as much of it as possible. JMHO.


Yes I need my independence. I like to be alone and I like to think. I get annoyed very easily by people that pester me. All they want is for me to make them happy and without me their life is pointless. I think its when men try to hard and stop being themselves. They want to feel loved so badly that they forget who they are. Does this make any sense?

My husband is a completely different type of person. He was the first guy that I dated that was okay with being without me. That in itself has always made me want him more. I don't think he could ever actually annoy me because of the person he is. We are so opposite, that a lot of times its like a breath of fresh air. I'm surrounded by people like me all day at work. When I'm with my husband, I just feel at ease. Sometimes, I wish he was more like me. Such as being more logical and able to have deep discussions such as religion, politics,etc.. But if he was, then he wouldn't be the person he is. He doesn't think like me, and because of that he is always mysterious to me. I cant figure him out. I cant understand how someone can be so simple minded. Often I'm envious of that! But the fact that he is so simple minded, makes me feel that he can never fully understand me either. 

What I want is for him to truly understand my needs. I feel like if he understood then he would make the changes. I know he want s to make me happy. The two things that I need MOST are #1)My love language is affection and I need that so badly from him. #2) To actually understand me as a person and appreciate it.

When he changes music on the radio to songs he knows that I like and then talks about how stupid they are...that hurts my feelings.
When he tells me my friends are weird...that hurts my feelings
When he makes fun of me because I like to climb trees, sit outside in the woods and take hikes ... that hurts my feelings.
When I tell him how imp. soccer is to me and how since I dont play I feel like a part of me is missing and he says "you are an adult, you shouldve outgrown that"... that hurts my feelings

I have never expected him to like the things I like, I just want him to love me for who I am and not because "I am with him". I want him every now and then to do the things I like just because I like them. I want him to see me in my element and see him smile because of it. 

I'm truly happy with my life and the amount of time we get together. I really don't feel like the problem is that we don't have much in common. I just want to feel appreciated for who I am. He has really strange hobbies and I've never told him they are stupid. In fact I help him with them and I participate. 

Wow, I've really turned this thread into something else but I needed to vent.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

tinybuddha58 said:


> *Yes I need my independence. I like to be alone and I like to think.* I get annoyed very easily by people that pester me. All they want is for me to make them happy and without me their life is pointless. I think its when men try to hard and stop being themselves. They want to feel loved so badly that they forget who they are. Does this make any sense?
> 
> My husband is a completely different type of person. He was the first guy that I dated that was okay with being without me. That in itself has always made me want him more. I don't think he could ever actually annoy me because of the person he is. We are so opposite, that a lot of times its like a breath of fresh air. I'm surrounded by people like me all day at work. When I'm with my husband, I just feel at ease. *Sometimes, I wish he was more like me. Such as being more logical and able to have deep discussions such as religion, politics,etc..* But if he was, then he wouldn't be the person he is. He doesn't think like me, and because of that he is always mysterious to me. I cant figure him out. I cant understand how someone can be so simple minded. Often I'm envious of that! But the fact that he is so simple minded, makes me feel that he can never fully understand me either.
> 
> ...


Perfect, Tiny Buddha!! Now you're making some REAL progress. You are articulating YOUR needs (very well, I might add) and once you identify your needs, you can work towards achieving them.

I would suggest you print out your last post, show it to your husband and tell him you are visiting a marriage forum because you want MORE THAN ANYTHING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE TO SUCCEED. Pay particular to the parts I've bolded because some of them are red flags and areas where you are crying out for help and validation. Help him understand what your love language is, then make him take the test and figure out what HIS language is.

With all of this information and open communication, you two should be able to work towards satisfying BOTH your needs.

You have done a great job expressing what you love about him and why your relationship works.

I am rooting for you...


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

tinybuddha, after reading your most recent post, #111, the thought jumped out at me that you can be very attracted to someone, yet that doesn't always mean you can live with that person and share your life together long-term.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

tinybuddha58 said:


> So lately I have started running with a group of people from work. Pretty much everyone at my work is male. We run at a place that has a bunch of people running. Sometimes I run in a group and sometimes its just one other guy. I usually go home after the run but the past few times I would grab dinner and have a beer with them. Its always been a group when I have dinner and women are also there. (I wouldn't have dinner with them if it wasn't a group). I invite my husband to come but he hates running, but I still tell him to come afterwards and grab food, but so far he hasn't joined me.
> 
> I also on occasion go out with a group after work and have a few drinks at a bar or restaurant.
> 
> ...




Its great you're into running.:smthumbup:

But you are married and you are now to take your hubbs needs as your own, instead of being single and its all about you. 

It obviously bothers him, so enjoy the running, but minimize the going out, beers and dinners and mainly with guys. Few ladies?

Your hubbs may say its fine, but what that really means, it isn't fine. 

- Would I have an issue if Mrs.CuddleBug started going to a gym daily after work, and then go out with some new lady friends for chatting and bite to eat? Not at all.

- But if it was mainly with guys, almost no ladies, and all the time, not cool in my books.

- If I went out for a bite to eat after the gym, all the time, usually with ladies, would my wifee be cool with that? NO.


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## cjl (Jan 24, 2014)

tinybuddha58 said:


> Yes I need my independence. I like to be alone and I like to think. I get annoyed very easily by people that pester me. All they want is for me to make them happy and without me their life is pointless. I think its when men try to hard and stop being themselves. They want to feel loved so badly that they forget who they are. Does this make any sense?
> 
> My husband is a completely different type of person. He was the first guy that I dated that was okay with being without me. That in itself has always made me want him more. I don't think he could ever actually annoy me because of the person he is. We are so opposite, that a lot of times its like a breath of fresh air. I'm surrounded by people like me all day at work. When I'm with my husband, I just feel at ease. Sometimes, I wish he was more like me. Such as being more logical and able to have deep discussions such as religion, politics,etc.. But if he was, then he wouldn't be the person he is. He doesn't think like me, and because of that he is always mysterious to me. I cant figure him out. I cant understand how someone can be so simple minded. Often I'm envious of that! But the fact that he is so simple minded, makes me feel that he can never fully understand me either.
> 
> ...


If you are not printing it at least write it down. What you said is very important communication for him. If he doesn't take it serious then MC is a must.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

tinybuddha58 said:


> Yes I need my independence. I like to be alone and I like to think. I get annoyed very easily by people that pester me. All they want is for me to make them happy and without me their life is pointless. I think its when men try to hard and stop being themselves. They want to feel loved so badly that they forget who they are. Does this make any sense?
> 
> My husband is a completely different type of person. He was the first guy that I dated that was okay with being without me. That in itself has always made me want him more. I don't think he could ever actually annoy me because of the person he is. We are so opposite, that a lot of times its like a breath of fresh air. I'm surrounded by people like me all day at work. When I'm with my husband, I just feel at ease. Sometimes, I wish he was more like me. Such as being more logical and able to have deep discussions such as religion, politics,etc.. But if he was, then he wouldn't be the person he is. He doesn't think like me, and because of that he is always mysterious to me. I cant figure him out. I cant understand how someone can be so simple minded. Often I'm envious of that! But the fact that he is so simple minded, makes me feel that he can never fully understand me either.


In one sentence you say he is great the way he is, and then go on to say how you want him to be the opposite.


I'm sorry, but you can't have perfection/everything.

It seems like you are looking for impossible? Reasons to maybe end the marriage?



tinybuddha58 said:


> What I want is for him to truly understand my needs. I feel like if he understood then he would make the changes. I know he want s to make me happy. The two things that I need MOST are #1)My love language is affection and I need that so badly from him. #2) To actually understand me as a person and appreciate it.


You wanted and choose a person that's distant. And you end up with one.

Now you want the opposite.......



tinybuddha58 said:


> When he changes music on the radio to songs he knows that I like and then talks about how stupid they are...that hurts my feelings.
> When he tells me my friends are weird...that hurts my feelings
> When he makes fun of me because I like to climb trees, sit outside in the woods and take hikes ... that hurts my feelings.
> When I tell him how imp. soccer is to me and how since I dont play I feel like a part of me is missing and he says "you are an adult, you shouldve outgrown that"... that hurts my feelings


Communicate that to him. Tell him how his words hurt you. See if he gives a crap about your feelings....

PS. If you don't play it, WATCH IT. I watch soccer on weekly basis (English premier league mostly, champions league and of course World cup/Euros).



tinybuddha58 said:


> I have never expected him to like the things I like, I just want him to love me for who I am and not because "I am with him". I want him every now and then to do the things I like just because I like them. I want him to see me in my element and see him smile because of it.
> 
> I'm truly happy with my life and the amount of time we get together. I really don't feel like the problem is that we don't have much in common. I just want to feel appreciated for who I am. He has really strange hobbies and I've never told him they are stupid. In fact I help him with them and I participate.
> 
> Wow, I've really turned this thread into something else but I needed to vent.


I suggest you follow my steps from previous posts (and it seems like you are already taken action).

I still think your husband has HIGH resentment for your past and current actions. He probably feels like you just don't give a **** about him as you are hanging out with random man.......so naturally, he will try to make you feel like **** as well.

Order of steps is important, do NOT address above until you stop with your disrespectful/inappropriate actions for few months and contribute your 50% towards this relationship.

THEN you can worry about above.......but give it TIME (months) first.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

tinybuddha58 said:


> I'm in trouble...
> 
> This week I asked him why does he love me. He said because I'm his and I'm sweet.... LAME but I don't have much better!!
> 
> ...


You are moving too fast OP. It seems like you want instant improvement/reactions and results......when this has been going on for years? 

Sorry but it will take time and you are NOT EVEN CLOSE to being in position to talk about above. 

No matter what your husband might have done (or not done).....it's probably small potatoes compare to what you have been doing. He might simply be laughing at you inside when you talk to him about above. Put yourself in HIS shoes!!! 

All of the above should come once you repair the damage you have done.

I still think he has high level of resentment based on what you did (heck, he might not even know it).

Give it time and meanwhile focus on what YOU can do to make the relationship better.

The things you are dropping on him.....it's WAY too early for that. And I have a feeling you are dealing with someone that is angry about your actions etc so his replies will be in line of "I don't really give a ****" as you are seeing......


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

DoF said:


> You are moving too fast OP. It seems like you want instant improvement/reactions and results......when this has been going on for years?
> 
> Sorry but it will take time and you are NOT EVEN CLOSE to being in position to talk about above.
> 
> ...


Oooookay. Sigh. Im an impatient problem solver. 
Before we were married, yes, I hung out with men a lot during college. Once I graduated and married I didn't hang out with men for a very long time. (First few years) so me waiting doesn't give me any hope. Nothing changed in the first few years. Why would it now?

Also I feel like I need to explain my "independence" needs. First) imagine having hobbies and your spouse doesn't enjoy them at all. Wouldn't you rather do them alone where you can think and not feel rushed? In those cases, I'd rather do them alone. If I was with someone that enjoyed what I was doing then I would love the company. Second) I don't want a "distant" person, I just don't want a clingy person. There is a difference. Apparently I attract very clingy ppl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

On a positive note he is suppose to get his T levels checked today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

tinybuddha58 said:


> On a positive note he is suppose to get his T levels checked today.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If they put him on treatment, don't expect any earthshattering changes right away. It takes time to build T up in the system. It depends on if he is getting the T by shot or patch. The patch takes a little longer but it works well too. 

Expect him to go through some mood swings at first as his body chemistry adjusts. 

Expect him to be more aggressive in bed and in life in general. 

Expect his temper to get worse. 

Expect his energy levels to pick up. 

Expect him to grow hair in weird places. 

You have to take the good with the bad, and not every guy reacts the same way to treatment.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

tinybuddha58 said:


> Also I feel like I need to explain my "independence" needs. First) imagine having hobbies and your spouse doesn't enjoy them at all. Wouldn't you rather *do them alone *where you can think and not feel rushed? In those cases, I'd rather *do them alone*. If I was with someone that enjoyed what I was doing then I would love the company. Second) I don't want a "distant" person, I just don't want a clingy person. There is a difference. Apparently I attract very clingy ppl.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Um.... You aren't doing your thing alone. Your doing it with company. How long before your start feeling love with the company you keep? And it's not your husband.... 

So, fair warning again. You are isolating your home life from your other life. I'm sure you love your husband when at home. I fear you'll learn to love the others when you aren't home. And I fear at some point, you won't think one life affects the other.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

tinybuddha58 said:


> Oooookay. Sigh. Im an impatient problem solver.
> Before we were married, yes, I hung out with men a lot during college. Once I graduated and married I didn't hang out with men for a very long time. (First few years) so me waiting doesn't give me any hope. Nothing changed in the first few years. Why would it now?


Good point



tinybuddha58 said:


> Also I feel like I need to explain my "independence" needs. First) imagine having hobbies and your spouse doesn't enjoy them at all. Wouldn't you rather do them alone where you can think and not feel rushed? In those cases, I'd rather do them alone. If I was with someone that enjoyed what I was doing then I would love the company. Second) I don't want a "distant" person, I just don't want a clingy person. There is a difference. Apparently I attract very clingy ppl.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm still struggling to understand how you 2 got married. If you guys had very little in common from the get go, how did you think marriage aka companionship was going to work?

Or did you make the classic example of "he will change when we get married"? 

I just struggle to accept a partner that I can't do anything with. 

Heck, you don't have to be doing things, just being together in the same room and chatting up/watching TV etc. There has to be certain level of comfort to be around the person I would think.

Very strange


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

TB,

I'm a runner as well. My SO is not. I don't expect her to take up running just to spend time with me. But... We have lots of other interests in common. We enjoy spending time together, even when we're not doing things outside the house. This is what works for us. The fact that you guys really don't have anything to tie the two of you together would really be concerning to me. Personally, I can't imagine marrying someone that I have as little in common with (or mutual desire to be with) as you and your husband seem to have. If I wanted a housemate, I could get one of those pretty easily, and I'd still be free to date and look for my "match". Who would be someone I DID have things in common with...

What is it like when you two go on holidays?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

Racer said:


> Um.... You aren't doing your thing alone. Your doing it with company. How long before your start feeling love with the company you keep? And it's not your husband....
> 
> So, fair warning again. You are isolating your home life from your other life. I'm sure you love your husband when at home. I fear you'll learn to love the others when you aren't home. And I fear at some point, you won't think one life affects the other.


I'm not talking about running. (I don't even like running! I just do it) and besides I run by myself just about every time. I meant my other hobbies. And yes I'm always doing them alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

PBear said:


> TB,
> 
> I'm a runner as well. My SO is not. I don't expect her to take up running just to spend time with me. But... We have lots of other interests in common. We enjoy spending time together, even when we're not doing things outside the house. This is what works for us. The fact that you guys really don't have anything to tie the two of you together would really be concerning to me. Personally, I can't imagine marrying someone that I have as little in common with (or mutual desire to be with) as you and your husband seem to have. If I wanted a housemate, I could get one of those pretty easily, and I'd still be free to date and look for my "match". Who would be someone I DID have things in common with...
> 
> ...


Do u have to have common interests for holidays? Those are easy. You just visit family. We do well with stuff like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

DoF said:


> Good point
> 
> 
> 
> ...


We do have SOME things in common. We go on vacations and always have a good time. And we are good with sitting around being lazy. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

DoF said:


> Good point
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Also, I can have fun doing just about anything. I'm very easy going. So as long as he has plans I'd just go along with them. So we do things together and I always have fun. I just want him to start doing some of my things is all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> If they put him on treatment, don't expect any earthshattering changes right away. It takes time to build T up in the system. It depends on if he is getting the T by shot or patch. The patch takes a little longer but it works well too.
> 
> Expect him to go through some mood swings at first as his body chemistry adjusts.
> 
> ...


Well the doctor didn't draw his blood today :/ because he wants him to come back after he be has been fasting. and he wants to check other things too. Doc also said he doesn't recommend hormone treatment due to other complications it could cause.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

tinybuddha58 said:


> What does deadlifting and squatting have anything to do with it? I was just saying he works out b/c someone mentioned that working out raises T levels. And i guess its more like 5 times a week with one of those days being boxing day. No cardio.
> 
> I suppose I have made him insecure about our relationship by my actions. this makes me sad. I will definately be better. Its odd though, because in other situations he is the confident guy. He is the class clown with lots of friends and EVERYONE likes him. I'm the shy one, not him.


Heavy lifting increases T.



bandit.45 said:


> Yeah...
> 
> I wish states would require a minimum three year dating period prior to granting marriage licenses.
> 
> ...


3 years!?! We would have had to wait 2 years, 8 months more. Going on 18 years. One key thing is knowing who you are before getting married. The pastor who married us gave us a test that dealt with communication and compatability. He never had anyone score higher not even people who had dated 5 or more years. We talked a lot about everything. I know couples who've been married over 40 years who are still clueless about their spouse. Time doesn't mean you'll know anything if you don't communicate, if you don't know who you are.

Not saying time is a bad thing just saying I don't think it will fix everything. I know plenty of people who dated a long time and are unhappy in their marriage.



bandit.45 said:


> If they put him on treatment, don't expect any earthshattering changes right away. It takes time to build T up in the system. It depends on if he is getting the T by shot or patch. The patch takes a little longer but it works well too.
> 
> Expect him to go through some mood swings at first as his body chemistry adjusts.
> 
> ...


Do a lot of guys get a temper? We didn't see that, instead he was far less irritable and now as he is bringing them up naturally he is happy again too. I know there is the stigma of "roid rage" but that doesn't really exist, it was an excuse. Studies show men with higher levels are better able to negotiate.



tinybuddha58 said:


> Well the doctor didn't draw his blood today :/ because he wants him to come back after he be has been fasting. and he wants to check other things too. Doc also said he doesn't recommend hormone treatment due to other complications it could cause.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The doctor is making recommendations without even knowing his levels. Sounds irresponsible to me, unless your husband has some health condition that is contraindicated that you haven't disclosed. There can be serious complications of remaining low as well.

The art of manliness has some great info about low T and naturally bringing up your levels How to Increase Testosterone Naturally | The Art of Manliness

Here is a list of benefits. Testosterone Benefits: Why Testosterone is Important | The Art of Manliness


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