# How to react when your spouse makes you the enemy



## anacata (Feb 13, 2011)

I'v been married 7 years. I notice there is a pattern in our marriage where about once every 2 months my husband will become very stressed and angry and frustrated with either his career or with our housing situation. 

During the few days where he goes through this stage he seems to want to blame me and argue with me about it. Even though I know this happens I always seem to get caught in it, because I get angry that he blames me for something I'm not doing. 

For example when his boss asks him to work long hours, he will come home and tell me that I better not NAG him because he has to work long hours for a while. I NEVER nag him because to be truthful, I like having him out of the house at these times so I can have some time to myself. I have given him the freedom to work as much as he wants because I know his career is important to him. 

Another time his boss asked him to relocate. He was excited about it while I was a bit nervous (but still willing to do it). He told me that I was holding him back in his career, and slowing down his progress by putting barriers up. He couldn't explain how I was doing this when asked. Suffice it to say we fought so much about it-him blaming me for supposedly not wanting us to move and me being angry with him because he was blaming me even though I was willing to move, so we stayed put and I bet he thinks it's my fault to this day.

As for our housing situation, we're looking for a new house and we agree on what we want, but every few weeks he will change his mind about what he wants and then somehow twist it around to make it seem like "I" am changing my mind. I don't know how he does it but I'm so angry that he can't admit he does it. Right now he's mad at me because last night I lost my temper after 3 days of being accused of changing my mind about what kind of house we want. Even though I have told him, "I never changed my mind, it was YOU who changed your mind TWICE in the last 3 days". It's almost like he's insane sometimes. Illogical and demented. I'm just so angry, and I know he's going to want to make up by tomorrow and I will just make up to keep the peace but still be so angry inside. This affects my love for him and my sexual desire for him. 

How can I somehow let his blame bounce off me?


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Is he transferring his feelings onto you? Maybe he doesn't want to work the long hours but is passive-aggressively making out that you are the problem because he won't speak up at work?

Likewise the relocation, could it have been that HE was nervous underneath but made you the outlet for his feelings?

Again with the house hunting, he's not certain what he wants but in order to feel in control, he's passing the buck onto you- admittedly in a very obvious way?

I'd state in a very clear and concise way, like with the house hunting, "I have not changed my mind. I suggest you take a look at the different things YOU have put forward and think about how you have contributed to your angry feelings." Then leave him to it for a bit. Walk away and leave him to cool off. Don't make up for an easy life because it will lead to simmering resentment- he needs to see his part in it.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Wow. You are describing my wife. She's a great person, but this one just gets under the skin. And because you don't tend to let things ruffle your feathers, its even more hurtful to be accused unfairly. Sadly, in my case, logic didn't work. What I found more helpful was to bring up the topic very carefully when she was in a much better mindset. And, creating a very similar example, but not her's so she could distance herself from the emotion. Say things like, "When something like this happens, it makes me feel like ..." Sometimes, she laughs about it now when she is caught, but its still there. 

To me, its not quite as hurtful as when she's mad at me for what she thinks I'm thinking. She'll later ask what I think about something else, and I'll say, "You tell me. Seems I can never figure out what I'm really thinking." This earns me a nasty bruise on the shoulder (just kidding).


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Yeah I think tobio nailed it. 
You need to present facts just like tobio said and then walk away.

Sometimes women need to help men feel their "feelings".

You need to break this pattern that he is using a fight with you to help him relieve stress. Research different ways to relieve stress. It just so happens my husband and I both use sex for stress relief but I know that doesn't work for everyone

If you haven't told him yet. Tell him how this cycle is making you feel like his enemy and not his partner.


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