# Why are a Husband's Feelings and Stress So Unimportant



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

My wife scheduled a dinner with another couple. I learned we had a sports championship in town. I mentioned it to my wife who said we already had plans and I then called the husband of the other couple to ask we could go as couples and they said they would rather not go. 

Coming back home after the call, my wife now went absolutely ballistic in the midst of an already bad week for me. Generally, I am very flexible and have gone on three vactions amidst some financial issues, and various dinners, etc. (while she has a job that someone else does while away, as a self-employed person, calls, letters, problems, clients accumulate while I am gone, and I still have to make money). This is the first time I mentioned a preference on something this year. Questions. 

1. Why was my stress and problems so unimportant, and the happiness of the friends so critical. She understood how angry I was and we had a big fight during which I lobbed about 40 f bombs (which I very rarely do). There was no apology or effort at conciliation, just silence. But it was still like, why are you bothering me with unimportant crap, your stress and feelings, with something extremely important, our relationship with this other couple. 

2. Why are wives so attentive and cognizant of the feelings of their girlfriends etc, but they apparently can't figure out the stress of their husband which was completely obvious. My secretary was comforting.


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## Carisma (Aug 24, 2012)

Sometimes, I think that husbands don't really share their feelings...they just wait until they are mad and then expect their wives to understand why they are mad. 

I am not saying that is the case here, just saying maybe it is a possibility. I know that frequently my husband will get very upset because I am not considering him etc...when he never told me he needed anything and he never wants me to fix stuff so I just try to be supportive, interested etc, and all the sudden he is mad over something I didn't even know was an issue. At that point, I tend to get a little defensive and probably do act like his feelings don't matter because it seems so selfish for him to essentially shut me out until he is mad about some blunder I made because he didn't communicate his wishes.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

As a wife, I am flexible with things like this. Hubz is often stressed or tired from work and we have to change plans about. He is also flexible and quite easygoing and I know from experience that it is easy to think he is okay with things when that is not necessarily the case.

I am wondering if maybe you are similar, and haven't actually explained explicitly what you said you worry about in your post. Yes, it is easy to assume she knows, or expect her to know, but in fact she may not comprehend some or all of it. Maybe an acknowledgement of her feelings followed by a brief but to-the-point explanation of what you said. And then how you want things to go in the future. And stop committing to things that are making your life more stressful.

Also that last bit about your secretary being comforting... Anything you need to check yourself with there?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Could the dinner with friends be rescheduled if this is a one-time sporting event? 

The sporting event would seem to trump a casual dinner with friends (assuming that's what it is).

As to why men's feelings are "so unimportant" that could be because men are not usually as demonstrative about their feelings. Women usually throw it all out there. Men usually don't. So men get the reputation, 24/7, of the "strong, silent type." Unfair, I know.


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## mildlyperplexed (Feb 3, 2013)

It usually takes two people to have a big argument. Did you go behind her back to make this phone call? Was this something planned for a long time and you just suddenly demanded she change her plans last second? 

PS. Of course your secretary was sympathetic; its the polite response and its hardly in her interests to antagonize you.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Good comments people. Appreciate it. 

1. Could the dinner with friends be rescheduled if this is a one-time sporting event? Hope so and my wife will be checking. If not, this will be hell. 

The sporting event would seem to trump a casual dinner with friends. Absolutely not in her view, this is not even a contest. When I said I didn't want to spend 125 on a dinner thinking why wasn't I at the event that I think a lot of friends will be talking about in the future, she looked at me like I lost my mind. I should add that our friends had been mad at us about two years ago for something that seemed unimportant to both of us, and I guess she feels we should both be on our best behavior to prevent this happening again. 

2. Bottling up feeling, that is true and she mentioned that. Wives sometimes don't understand how their husbands are feeling- true here to. 

But having said that I am very stressed, angry, and anxious, she still looked at me like- why are you both0ering me with these trivial matters when my friends may be angry about this getting re-scheduled which is an extreme High-Priority Item.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Let me add Moderately Perplexed, your comments are right. This had been planned for two weeks, having been changed once before because of a serious family illness. I did call on my own and didn't ask her first, because I felt she would just say, forget about the sporting event, it's not important. I was hoping that the other couple would want to go, and just before my wife had said, we don't know what we are going to do on Saturday, have any ideas.
Let me add we have been married for 25 years and rarely argue, but interestingly the last big argument involved about the same thing. 

It usually takes two people to have a big argument. Did you go behind her back to make this phone call? Was this something planned for a long time and you just suddenly demanded she change her plans last second? 

PS. Of course your secretary was sympathetic; its the polite response and its hardly in her interests to antagonize you.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

It's kind of hard to make comments based on a single conversation/argument.

1 -If my husband had called my friends behind my back to try and "gang up on me" - I think I'd be slightly irked. Does your wife normally like to go to these sporting events with you? If not - wouldn't she be in the same situation you are in now - sitting there, wondering why she wasn't doing something else - which might "turn the tables" but won't fix the issue. 

2 - If your wife also works doesn't her income contribute to the money for this dinner? And were you offering to pay for the dinner for the friends? If so if they'd agreed and wanted to come - how much was four tickets to the sporting event going to be? Is that more budget rectifiable because it's something you enjoy? 

3 -You and your wife should think about finding some new friends, those people sound needy. When you have to walk on eggshells to not insult friends who you are supposed to enjoy your time with, something should change.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Maybe she just thinks it's rude to change plans you've made with other people simply because suddenly something "better" has come along?

It sort of sounds like you're p!ssed at her for thinking dinner with friends is more important that what you want to do. But at the same time, you're telling her your sporting event is more important than what she wants to do. You're angry with her for being selfish. She's baffled and offended that you don't see that you are being selfish _in the exact same way_. 

By the way, how much time are you spending talking over your marital woes with your secretary? Is she soooo much easier to talk to than your difficult and obstinate wife? Does she understand you better? 

Just curious.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Openminded said:


> As to why men's feelings are "so unimportant" that could be because men are not usually as demonstrative about their feelings. Women usually throw it all out there. Men usually don't. So men get the reputation, 24/7, of the "strong, silent type." Unfair, I know.


I have / do struggle with showing my emotions. My father is a public school educated ex-army officer so we boys had to "keep a stiff upper lip" from an early age, "no blubbing" that’s for babies and women, Smile / be polite even when you are angry (that was always the hardest for me as I had a short fuse as a youngster), Do not let your weekness show infront of others (I stick to this).

For me I have found that writing myself a note about how I feel helps me to get things into perspective and somehow that allows me to tell people how I really feel (not much good in the middle of an argument I know).


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

We train people how to treat us. 

My guess is you're probably one of those guys who rarely speaks up and when you do you're floored at the fact that it's not received with kindness and love. But it doesn't work this way. Sadly if you're TOO flexible you've now trained your wife that her feelings are more important than yours.

She agreed with that and is now mad because you deviated from the original plan that YOU laid out. 

The cure is to stop being so flexible, speak up, and learn how to say the word "no". That one little word will set you free.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

You seem to generalize women as being uncaring. Your wife may or may not be that way. But my guess is if she is that way it is a reaction to the conditioning you have allowed. 

My wife is 180 degrees from that generalization and I am sure many of the ladies here are as well. 

The moral of this story is if you want good advice from the ladies here; don't paint them all as uncaring monsters.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

The timing of events in this particular argument are important. 

Before she scheduled this dinner, did she ask you if you would be able/willing to go and you said yes?

-or-

Did she schedule it without asking you first, but then told you and you agreed to go because at that time you didn't know of the sporting event?

-or-

Did she schedule it without asking, then tell you, only to find out that you had your eye on this sporting event because you didn't know your wife had already made other plans?

I personally would never schedule something that included my H without asking him first. I wouldn't want him to do that to me either. It's rude and presumptuous. HOWEVER...If I asked him if he'd go to dinner with our friends and he said yes, but then tried to back out of it because something else came up that was more interesting to him, I'd be miffed too. So it all depends on how the plan-making went down.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Bobby5000 said:


> Good comments people. Appreciate it.
> 
> 1. Could the dinner with friends be rescheduled if this is a one-time sporting event? Hope so and my wife will be checking. If not, this will be hell.
> 
> ...


The friends sound ultra-important to her. Unless these people are only on Planet Earth to attend this particular dinner then I see no reason they shouldn't be rescheduled. 

They sound like prima donnas and I don't think I would be too terribly interested in paying for dinner.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I agree with Waking Up To life and others too.But on the point that you committed to going to dinner in advance.Also sounds like it had to be cancelled once already?Maybe it would cause your wife stress and anxiety or embarrassment to have to call and cancel again and at the last minute.It may not be that she cares "more" about their happiness but it is pretty rude to cancel like that unless its more of an emergency.

But also what does your generalized stress from work and what not have to do with you going to a sporting event rather than out to dinner with this couple?Do you not enjoy their company?Do you see being available to attend as "for your wife" more like something you do out of duty rather than as mutual enjoyment?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> I personally would never schedule something that included my H without asking him first. I wouldn't want him to do that to me either.


This made me laugh, in our house we have an A1 wipe down wall planner for the current months events with an A4 page per day diary hanging next to it for longer term planning yet we (my wife and I) still get calls to do last second pickup / drop offs for the kids.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> 1. Could the dinner with friends be rescheduled if this is a one-time sporting event? Hope so and my wife will be checking. If not, this will be hell.


Wow..that sounds pretty dramatic.Explain how for you anyway it will be "hell" if you can't reschedule ? 

And the fact your wife is checking to me indicates she does care about your feelings.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Would you call up the other husband and try to reschedule and mention that my wife is mad at me for changing plans. 

I like the other couple. That said, I really wanted to go to this one-time particular sporting event (which would not have been expensive) and would not have not enjoyed the evening thinking I could have been there. The week before the team had gotten into the semi-finals and because my wife had scheduled dinner with family members, I didn't mention it. Agreed that there is a question of selfishness and doing what which person wants. I thought if the other couple went to the sporting event, it would be fun and my wife was right in saying they would not be interested. 

I did wake her up at 6:00 A.M. saying that I really appreciated her dumping more stress on me at a time that I was already having a lot of stress and my skin actually got red and a friend said I didn't look good. Obviously she could have tried to work things out. I rarely yell and did lose my temper For various reasons, we are going on several vacations this year, and working around that scheduling has added to my stress and I told her that. 

Again, that seemed to be an unimportant issue as my wife gave me the silent treatment. I thought about just leaving the house and getting a hotel room. 

My secretary is a pleasant, middle aged woman and there is nothing there. My secretary does believe I am somewhat disorganized and did once say I don't know how your wife puts up with you.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> This made me laugh, in our house we have an A1 wipe down wall planner for the current months events with an A4 page per day diary hanging next to it for longer term planning yet we (my wife and I) still get calls to do last second pickup / drop offs for the kids.


Scheduling things like picking up the kids, errands, things like that, of course there has to be some willingness to be scheduled in for things without being asked first. And for last minute changes because of circumstances beyond our control. I wouldn't have made it through 19 years of marriage if I was so rigid. 

I'm talking about social plans...scheduling things for US to do together during our personal time without consulting each other first. I wouldn't like it dumped on me that my H agreed that WE would go to dinner with his friends when he didn't ask me first. Maybe I had something I was wanting to do. Maybe I was just hoping to spend some time with him alone. I would just appreciate being asked first. It's common courtesy, which shouldn't disappear just because you're married.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I'm talking about social plans...scheduling things for US to do together during our personal time without consulting each other first. I wouldn't like it dumped on me that my H agreed that WE would go to dinner with his friends when he didn't ask me first. Maybe I had something I was wanting to do. Maybe I was just hoping to spend some time with him alone. I would just appreciate being asked first. It's common courtesy, which shouldn't disappear just because you're married.


I agree I wouldn't commit my husband to a social event without asking him if he was interested.However if he committed in advance(especially if other people were involved) then close to the event something came up he would rather do and sprung it on me I wouldn't expect him to say I didn't care about his feelings or his "stress" if that pissed me off and get angry at me for being non plussed with him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Rowan said:


> Maybe she just thinks it's rude to change plans you've made with other people simply because suddenly something "better" has come along?
> 
> It sort of sounds like you're p!ssed at her for thinking dinner with friends is more important that what you want to do. But at the same time, you're telling her your sporting event is more important than what she wants to do. You're angry with her for being selfish. She's baffled and offended that you don't see that you are being selfish _in the exact same way_.
> 
> ...


I tend to agree here.

Maybe she thought you were being rude by calling and changing plans that were already made and rescheduled once before for something better.

And maybe she (and possibly the other couple) doesn't like sports which made this decision even worse. Only you would have enjoyed the sporting event out of the 4 of you.

As far as her not noticing you being stressed... well we all don't have magic 8 balls. Just like you. It wouldn't hurt to open your mouth and tell your wife when you're feeling stressed. Giving a heads up is actually very courteous.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> As far as her not noticing you being stressed... well we all don't have magic 8 balls. Just like you. It wouldn't hurt to open your mouth and tell your wife when you're feeling stressed. Giving a heads up is actually very courteous.


I agree as well as how often does he blow and say how stressed he is?If one of the only communicating of "moods" you express is how stressed and anxiety ridden you are and that is frequent after a while its more like "just the way you are"..and what is she supposed do about that?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Bobby5000 said:


> Would you call up the other husband and try to reschedule and mention that my wife is mad at me for changing plans.
> 
> I like the other couple. That said, I really wanted to go to this one-time particular sporting event (which would not have been expensive) and would not have not enjoyed the evening thinking I could have been there. The week before the team had gotten into the semi-finals and because my wife had scheduled dinner with family members, I didn't mention it. Agreed that there is a question of selfishness and doing what which person wants. I thought if the other couple went to the sporting event, it would be fun and my wife was right in saying they would not be interested.
> 
> ...


No, I wouldn't mention to them that she is mad at you. That will likely get back to her and she will feel you are going behind her back.

When my husband and I entertained joinly (we don't now since we are getting divorced) I never felt that dinners, etc. were so sacred that they couldn't be changed. We never did it on a whim but if we did have to change plans our friends understood and we understood if they had to. So I see no reason the plans can't be changed to accommodate your one-time sporting event.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I am not trying to hijack the thread, but had somewhat similar issue with my first wife.

We would always go to her parent's every Sunday. Generally, we would stay until around 9:30 pm.

I am not at all in to sports, but this one Sunday was when Whitney Huston was to do the National Anthum to start off a ball game. I told my wife that I really wanted to leave their house no later than (I think) 7:00. So, 7:00 came and I mentioned to her we needed to leave....

Her response was, Can't leave now, I want to help with dishes. (Let me say here, she came from a large famile and there were at least 3 of here sisters there too)

Of course, it wasn't everything, but was definitely a piece of the puzzle that caused the demise of our marriage.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

So it sounds like some of your stress is self-imposed due to your lack of organization? 

However that is neither here nor there. But resolving that might help your stress level in the future.

Personally I'm big on manners. You do not cancel previous plans because something better comes along. Ever. This is like accepting the prom invite from the nerd but when the captain of the football team asks, you dump the nerd and go with the captain. It's rude and wrong.

However - did she plan this without consulting you? Is she normally in charge of your social life as a couple? Often the woman is and this is a silent understanding but perhaps this should be addressed. 

Maybe it's the female in me, BUT - you really cannot enjoy an evening and not dwell on other fun you COULD have had? Live in the moment! Enjoy your wife, your friends, the food, the conversation... At least you will have had an OK evening vs. a miserable one by comparing what could have been.

I also think it was wrong to go behind your wife's back - you really just wanted the guy to agree so he could talk his wife into the event and then you could guilt your wife into going to that instead of dinner.

I'm curious as to what happened with this couple that she feels like she has to be so careful as to not offend. 

Anyway - I suggest once this dinner is over (and be a good sport or you'll ruin it for everyone - attitude is everything), that you sit down for a genuine, heartfelt, calm discussion with your wife. Express how stressed out you feel and to please not schedule anything for a bit. Tell her you feel overwhelmed both with time and finances. Tell her you really care about how she feels, the things she wants to do with friends and vacation-wise but you REALLY need a little down time. You may want to have some concrete boundaries like to check with you first on social engagements or that you'll work with your secretary, a counselor or a professional advisor/life mentor to learn how to become better organized and gain the skills to find more work/life balance. And tell her if you want to do some things that YOU like to do, preferably WITH her vs. without or with the guys... maybe plan for this event next year or some other sporting events if you are able. You sound like you need some outlets, too, but trying to circumvent your wife was probably not the most courteous idea.

Just some ideas. Good luck.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Such a small thing to have a fight over. Dinner with friends ...ughh. Not my thing. Throw in a sporting event and being stressed from work and I double don't want to go.

You've been married 25 years and your wife doesn't understand that a man would rather watch a sporting event than have a REPLACEABLE dinner date with another couple?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Good comments. EnjoliWoman the dinner got cancelled. Once my wife saw I was upset and having a tough day, why couldn't she just be nice, work things out and call it a day. That gets back to the original post, why are wives so concerned about casual acquaintances, but have no problem letting loose on their spouses.

I felt like I'd been going on vacations and other things to satisfy my wife and just wanted one day to do what I wanted. 

And since this other couple had cancelled in the past, why couldn't I change or suggest plans.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> Good comments. EnjoliWoman the dinner got cancelled. Once my wife saw I was upset and having a tough day, why couldn't she just be nice, work things out and call it a day. That gets back to the original post, why are wives so concerned about casual acquaintances, but have no problem letting loose on their spouses.
> 
> I felt like I'd been going on vacations and other things to satisfy my wife and just wanted one day to do what I wanted.
> 
> And since this other couple had cancelled in the past, why couldn't I change or suggest plans.


Same reason you are.Why do you have no problem letting lose on your wife?

NOW tell your wife from now on you want "one day "to do what you want..the rest are "other things to satisfy" your wife..Promise you WILL have problems with that mind frame as you do already..but at least then you will be honest.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bobby5000 said:


> My wife scheduled a dinner with another couple. I learned we had a sports championship in town. I mentioned it to my wife who said we already had plans and I then called the husband of the other couple to ask we could go as couples and they said they would rather not go.


When is the dinner and when did you find out about the championship?
Your wife planned a dinner with the other couple in advance. Then you decide that you want to go to the championship AFTER she already made plans. And then you expect her to uninvited the guests because the guests do not want to go to the championship with you?


Bobby5000 said:


> Coming back home after the call, my wife now went absolutely ballistic in the midst of an already bad week for me. Generally, I am very flexible and have gone on three vactions amidst some financial issues, and various dinners, etc. (while she has a job that someone else does while away, as a self-employed person, calls, letters, problems, clients accumulate while I am gone, and I still have to make money). This is the first time I mentioned a preference on something this year.


You resent your wife and feel over burdened with being the bread winner in your family. What can you do to make this burden not be so heavy for you?


Bobby5000 said:


> 1. Why was my stress and problems so unimportant, and the happiness of the friends so critical. She understood how angry I was and we had a big fight during which I lobbed about 40 f bombs (which I very rarely do). There was no apology or effort at conciliation, just silence. But it was still like, why are you bothering me with unimportant crap, your stress and feelings, with something extremely important, our relationship with this other couple.


I’m sure that the fbombs will make her want to cancel all her plans and do what you want to do. Yea, that works very well.

It sounds like you need to do something to get over the stress. Like maybe you need an exercise routine that you do on a regular basis.


Bobby5000 said:


> 2. Why are wives so attentive and cognizant of the feelings of their girlfriends etc, but they apparently can't figure out the stress of their husband which was completely obvious.


Why are you accusing all wives as being like your wife? You will get nowhere doing that. The only way I can answer that question is that all wives do not do this. 
Your wife probably does it because you have allowed her to do this for a very long time. We teach people how to treat us. You said that you have shown preference only once in the last year. Well so you taught her that you have no preferences and could care less to input your point of view. And now you are upset with her for interacting with you exactly as you taught her to?


Bobby5000 said:


> My secretary was comforting.


Are you having an affair with your secretary?


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> Good comments. EnjoliWoman the dinner got cancelled. Once my wife saw I was upset and having a tough day, why couldn't she just be nice, work things out and call it a day. That gets back to the original post, why are wives so concerned about casual acquaintances, but have no problem letting loose on their spouses.


Maybe her acquaintances didn't decide AFTER plans have been made to go behind her back and try to maneuver things around to get their own way...... just a thought.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Tell her your feelings if she is a loving good wife she will by concerned and sympathetic 

If she does not show concern and feels your feelings are unimportant THEN you have a huge issue. However, i think it may be simply the case of her not knowing your feelings.

Talk to her


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Fortunately thank G-d we worked things out. I guess in a long-term marriage that both want to succeed, you try to go beyond small things. My wife said do you want to make up and I said yes. Our friends were nice enough to re-schedule for the next day. 

I can admit I was probably wrong. I do think she could have just told me what I did wrong and staying mad and nasty just caused things to escalate. While I did want to go to the game, I do realize that the stress isn't worth it, and that being able to compromise and be positive about what you are doing is important. Probably I could have ran this by her and she could have perhaps suggested this. I am happy we are getting along, and we had a nice dinner out. Interestingly her sister was here during the weekend and was neutral and seemed to understand my side which was good.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your problem is that life is in charge of you and you are not in charge of life. It's not your wife,s job to manage your stress. It's yours.


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