# At my wits end.



## xxrockmexx92 (Nov 1, 2015)

Imagine if you were in a relationship with someone for 4 years. You have been living together for 3.5 of those 4 years. 

You have cheated on this girl twice and have not done anything to allow her to have closure. In the mean time you have been showing less and less affection. You know that she has anxiety and worries a lot. She is doing her part to keep it under control and yet you do nothing to help her along. 

You lose your temper quickly when she starts getting upset to the point that she starts yelling and crying. You roll your eyes, don't hug her, don't reassure her or make her feel like you are sorry for hurting her. 

She keeps telling you that she needs to see a change in your behavior when she needs you. You continue to have the same crappy attitude when she gets to her breaking point. 

What would you suggest for her to do?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Leave him. What is the point of staying? You can't change him, and I can't imagine this is how you'd like to keep living.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Seeing that he does not seem remorseful at all or wanting to help her get past it, I would move on and not waste anymore of my life. 

And that is exactly what I did in my situation!


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You were cheated on twice in four years, dump this loser. Take time to work on yourself and figure out why you would tolerate this sort of treatment before you start to date again.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Hey Rockme,

Before I get started, I was just going to mention that it's a tiny bit confusing when you try to put US into his shoes through a third party viewpoint. I would just describe if from your point of view. So, instead of saying "You cheated on her/you lose your temper" say "He cheated on me, etc" or even "Imagine if he cheated on you". I think it's better if you phrase it in a way we can understand how YOU feel about it. (or maybe it's just me...but the switched perspective seems a bit confusing to me)

I would like to ask;
-Are there any positive aspects in your relationship? 
-What is he giving you that you like and makes you want to stay?
-Do you feel like you couldn't find someone that would show you the love you deserve and NOT cheat on you?

Also, any background info or details you can offer would be helpful. The more we know, the better we can advise you, but I will tell you this; I don't know why you would want to stay with someone who cheated on them twice and doesn't seem to care about how they feel. Did he even show any remorse for his actions? Has he ever apologized outside of "I'm sorry I got caught"?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Cheated twice in the first four years? He isn't committed to her. She's just Miss Right Now. It's comfortable and convenient but as soon as something "better" comes along...

I'd say they both have communication issues and boundary issues and why bother. It shouldn't be this hard this soon with so many different issues.


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## xxrockmexx92 (Nov 1, 2015)

JukeboxHero said:


> Hey Rockme,
> 
> Before I get started, I was just going to mention that it's a tiny bit confusing when you try to put US into his shoes through a third party viewpoint. I would just describe if from your point of view. So, instead of saying "You cheated on her/you lose your temper" say "He cheated on me, etc" or even "Imagine if he cheated on you". I think it's better if you phrase it in a way we can understand how YOU feel about it. (or maybe it's just me...but the switched perspective seems a bit confusing to me)
> 
> ...


There are many positive aspects in our relationship. There are just a lot of weird and annoying quirks that he has that trigger me into almost immediate anger. I do suffer from general anxiety disorder (which I am actively working on). I take anxiety medication, I have been seeing either a counselor or social worker to help with my coping skills, and I am starting to see another counselor almost weekly strictly about what causes my anxiety. I have put a lot of work into myself and how I can cope with different situations. It is a constant struggle but I have made enormous strides.

He gives me a lot of new things to learn. I meet all kinds of interesting people and learn different skills and got to so many interesting places. For example, I started learning how to do some black smithing this evening. I have learned a lot about cars because of his mechanic, welding, and teaching skills. I love to learn so all of these things are important to me. Of course, the sex life is awesome (when it happens). He decided that he wanted to be celibate until marriage, this would be his third marriage if we can even get there. 

I know that I could find someone else, but that takes time, I have to learn how to trust this new person, what if they don't have some of the qualities that I want? There are more questions and concerns to come. I have tried to leave but something keeps pulling me back. My gut is telling me to be patient and to keep learning, but of course, my heart is angry and upset and wanting someone who is as caring and loving as I am. 

I am also starting to realize that his angry outbursts (not necessarily at me) trigger me. I initially try to calm him down but it only makes things worse, which will set me off because I tried to help and instead of telling me what is wrong, he is lashing out. Keep in mind, he is 40 years old. This is not the kind of behavior that I expect from someone his age.

He did seem remorseful (sort of) when I confronted him. He tried to lie about it at first and then he tried to delete the evidence thinking that it would make me feel better that he immediately got rid of the person. That only made me more angry of course. It took a few days for him to finally show me his facebook, emails, etc. (that was the first girl).

The second one happened around the same time but I did not find out about her until about a year later. I was very angry yet again and upset and confronted him again. This time he came clean but I told him it was too late for apologies. She actually tried to tell me via facebook but he got onto my pc and blocked her from my fb before I saw it. I talked to her for a while about what happened because I knew he wasn't going to tell me the whole truth. 

Why did I stay? I don't know..but he was somehow able to woo me back into liking him again.


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## xxrockmexx92 (Nov 1, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Cheated twice in the first four years? He isn't committed to her. She's just Miss Right Now. It's comfortable and convenient but as soon as something "better" comes along...
> 
> I'd say they both have communication issues and boundary issues and why bother. It shouldn't be this hard this soon with so many different issues.


He cheated twice within the first year of the relationship.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Something I find interesting here as well.

So, he's had sex with you before. He's had sex in previous marriages, and he's had sex with the women with whom he had an affair. Why would he decide he doesn't want to have sex now? Does he seem really into you otherwise? Does he show lots of affection?


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## xxrockmexx92 (Nov 1, 2015)

JukeboxHero said:


> Something I find interesting here as well.
> 
> So, he's had sex with you before. He's had sex in previous marriages, and he's had sex with the women with whom he had an affair. Why would he decide he doesn't want to have sex now? Does he seem really into you otherwise? Does he show lots of affection?


He didn't have sex when he cheated, thankfully. It was more emotional. One was more physical but not actually sex.

He suddenly wanted to be celibate after we moved in together. It took me about a year to drag the answer out of him for his strange behavior. He wants to be more Godly and not sin as much, I guess that's his reasoning. 

He is still attracted to me. He shows me tons of affection in his own weird way, he's always touching my butt and my other lady parts. So the chemistry is still there, I think he is just trying to show more restraint.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

DUMP HIM. Find someone worthy of you.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

You have just described my STBX husband. Walk away while you still have an ounce of integrity left.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you considered that the source of your anxiety is your boyfriend? If he wants to be celibate, tell him to join a monastery - what a fruitcake! And then grabbing your lady parts - what is that all about? If he isn't going to put out, then he can keep his hands to himself because you are not an object.

At this point, you two are roommates - not even friends with benefits. You don't describe him as your fiance so it appears that marriage is not in the works. Why are you hanging on to nothing?


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

xxrockmexx92 said:


> He suddenly wanted to be celibate after we moved in together. It took me about a year to drag the answer out of him for his strange behavior. He wants to be more Godly and not sin as much, I guess that's his reasoning.
> 
> He is still attracted to me. He shows me tons of affection in his own weird way, he's always touching my butt and my other lady parts. So the chemistry is still there, I think he is just trying to show more restraint.


He's saving himself for his affair partner. He's knotted up about cheating on HER by being with you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Six months after meeting him, you move in. Abracadabra = his zipper gets locked. He has two affairs within the first year of your relationship. Sounds like he just isn't into you. 

Since you moved in with him under false pretenses, feel free to withhold your part of any rent so you can save up to get your own place. He doesn't actually deserve consideration.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

The positive aspects of your relationship don't matter because he isn't interested in fixing the negative. He's showing you what type of person he'll be in marriage. He's not interested in your feelings, or working things out in a mutually beneficial way. He's selfish, and not interested in altering that. Get rid of him.


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

RUN!!!!

seriously. sounds exactly like my husband now and i'm pretty sure I could have written your same story at 4 years in... already had been cheated on, constantly lies, and then makes me feel super sick with all the anxiety. 
My husband does the same- he knows what he does stresses me out so bad. 

My advice - LEAVE. 

Been with my husband 13 years. trust me, they don't change, it just gets worse, you will lose your sanity slowly over time.. just leave. 

I want to leave SO SO bad and have wanted to leave so so bad over the years. I'm a bit addicted to him obviously so it's been a struggle!!! 

If you think he will change and after so many years it will be just lovely- wrong. I did that, and can you tell you time doesn't not make them less of an ass. It makes YOU more bitter and them more narcissicist as they continue to be *******s.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

xxrockmexx92 said:


> Imagine if you were in a relationship with someone for 4 years. You have been living together for 3.5 of those 4 years.
> 
> You have cheated on this girl twice and have not done anything to allow her to have closure. In the mean time you have been showing less and less affection. You know that she has anxiety and worries a lot. She is doing her part to keep it under control and yet you do nothing to help her along.
> 
> ...


*She should have kicked a mud hole in his a$$, and then dumped him on the street curb a very long time ago! 

No human being ever attempting to foster a loving relationship with another, either honestly or even under false pretenses, has any right to treat any other person that way!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

xxrockmexx92 said:


> There are many positive aspects in our relationship. There are just a lot of weird and annoying quirks that he has that trigger me into almost immediate anger. I do suffer from general anxiety disorder (which I am actively working on). I take anxiety medication, I have been seeing either a counselor or social worker to help with my coping skills, and I am starting to see another counselor almost weekly strictly about what causes my anxiety. I have put a lot of work into myself and how I can cope with different situations. It is a constant struggle but I have made enormous strides.
> 
> He gives me a lot of new things to learn. I meet all kinds of interesting people and learn different skills and got to so many interesting places. For example, I started learning how to do some black somithing this evening. I have learned a lot about cars because of his mechanic, welding, and teaching skills. I love to learn so all of these things are important to me. Of course, the sex life is awesome (when it happens). He decided that he wanted to be celibate until marriage, this would be his third marriage if we can even get there.
> 
> ...


I do not know if telling her to run from him is the answer she is looking for. It does seems that she know what to do, what she looking for is a justification to stay. From the quote above, she lists a benefits she values by been in this relationship. I think it is more of her been afraid to lose these perks by dumping his sorry A**. In this situation, my advise to her is to choose her poison. For a long run it is not sustainable, but in short run she benefits from it. What is more important to her?


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## xxrockmexx92 (Nov 1, 2015)

Threeblessings said:


> You have just described my STBX husband. Walk away while you still have an ounce of integrity left.


What is stbx?


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

She needs to get some balls and leave or shut up and accept the status quo. The status quo being that he does not love her and is keeping her around until something better comes along. She moved in right away and gave away the milk for free, why would he respect her? She demanded zero commitment and that is exactly what she got.


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## xxrockmexx92 (Nov 1, 2015)

Sorry about the delayed responses. I am certainly seeing the advice most of you are giving as sound advice. I am not looking for a justification. My counselor has said some of the things some of you have said, a close friend of mine doesn't really like him but tolerates him because of how close we are. I always respect her opinion and ask for her honesty. 

This is a very hard choice for me, guys. I'm not sure why I completely fell apart after meeting him. I used to be so strict and not take any crap from crappy boyfriends. 

Part of me feels like it's because we spend a lot of time together and he is one of those people thats needs his alone time. Alone time for most people consists of going out with their friends, or going on a camping trip, etc. He wants to work on his car project, things around the house, just watching TV and just generally being alone. Of course, I am more social and of course he is well aware of that. I do agree that he is selfish. I'm not sure why because I have seen him be one of the most compassionate people. He has given money to people in need, he bought shoes for a previous Co workers who, he has gone on mission trips in Romania and in Louisiana. He is always willing to give him time to people but I'm not sure what makes him want to behave like this towards someone who gives as much as he does. 

I'm just confused.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

xxrockmexx92 said:


> What is stbx?



Soon to be ex


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

You're not even married yet and you're having this many problems? RUN, DON'T WALK, RUN AWAY FROM HIM!!!!


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