# Touching on the Brain?



## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

I'm craving intimate touches from men and it's on my mind constantly. I'm under a lot of stress right now and my company is shuttering, my ex- is suing for more custody. My husband and I hardly spend time together because we've both been working too much. Now I'm busy wrapping business up with the company before it closes.

I have started some physical therapy and it involves so much touching, which is also weird because of how long we've been social distancing. I haven't hugged or shaken hands with anyone besides my husband in over a year. 

I don't want this on my mind all the time. It's really distracting. Is there anything to fix it?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do you mean physical therapy with your husband? He is the only one you should be having intimate touches with.


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

physical therapy for messed up shoulder. it involved really close body contact. felt super close after all this time socially distanced


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

TigerLake said:


> physical therapy for messed up shoulder. it involved really close body contact. felt super close after all this time socially distanced


Was this a male physical therapist and did you feel attracted?

What kind of close physical contact do you share with your husband, aside from hugging and (if I read that correctly) hand-shakes?


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

yes he is male and good looking. but I felt the same when the male doctor evaluated me before sending me to the physical therapist and did similar arm movement tests as the physical therapist. he was less attractive. it's about touching not attraction. 

We don't spend too much time together lately. One of us is either managing kids or we are working or sleeping. I work a lot in particular. My job is extremely stressful and that kind of stress finally took a severe toll on my boss's health to where his doctor told him to stop working immediately. So the company is closing in a month and my work is even more increased. My next job is going to take up just as much time though. 

Before the pandemic my husband and I used to have more time to hang out and have date nights.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

What do you think the answer is?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

It sounds you maybe substituting your husband touch for some one else...look up transference in psychology...


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

I don't know or I wouldn't have asked on here.


Lostinthought61 said:


> It sounds you maybe substituting your husband touch for some one else...look up transference in psychology...


this sounds possible. it seemed liked it was talking about transference with the kind of therapists you talk to but maybe it would be the case here too? but how would it go away?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Not sure...clearly the longer you stay away from your husband the worse it will get....you need to spend time even cuddling or holding hands with your husband...you may need some sessions with a therapist...also try to work with a female pt.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

TigerLake said:


> I don't know or I wouldn't have asked on here.
> 
> this sounds possible. it seemed liked it was talking about transference with the kind of therapists you talk to but maybe it would be the case here too? but how would it go away?


So first, get a female physical therapist -- you should NOT be feeling like this with your PT.
MAKE time to be with your husband and TALK to him about this.
Hey your company is CLOSING -- why are you killing yourself for that? You are loyal but perhaps TOO loyal?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TigerLake said:


> I'm craving intimate touches from men and it's on my mind constantly. I'm under a lot of stress right now and my company is shuttering, my ex- is suing for more custody. My husband and I hardly spend time together because we've both been working too much. Now I'm busy wrapping business up with the company before it closes.
> 
> I have started some physical therapy and it involves so much touching, which is also weird because of how long we've been social distancing. I haven't hugged or shaken hands with anyone besides my husband in over a year.
> 
> I don't want this on my mind all the time. It's really distracting. Is there anything to fix it?


Instead of - I don't want this on my mind why do you seek out the man who it's perfectly reasonable to want to cave intimate touch from. I mean there are men on here who are dying to hear their wife say that to them just once.

Do you not crave it from him?

I am just going to ask this, as is my nature, is your husband and your marriage too much for you to handle, cause it sounds like you are trying really hard to blow your life up? Like lot of people do when they have affairs. Lots of spouses who end up cheating just can't level up to a stable marriage, as soon as they get a good spouse they try to find ways to blow it. Is that you?

I'm warning you the way you are going you are gonna blow your marriage up. Your husband need to be your outlet for these feelings, but more importantly you suppose to direct those feeling to your spouse. That is a good thing. If you are not feeling that you need to figure out why and talk to him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

> MAKE time to be with your husband and TALK to him about this.
> Hey your company is CLOSING -- why are you killing yourself for that? You are loyal but perhaps TOO loyal?


Or how about sending him a faceless naughty picture and saying this is what's waiting for you at home in 1 hour. 

Put some of undies in his glove compartment and then text him to go out to the car that you need to check his glove compartment because you think you left something. Once he finds them tell him you need him bring them back to help you with that right away.

One of the things I always see in situations like this is that the person with the desire doesn't take agency in creating the dynamic. Seems to me the marriage with the really good sex life both partners are not afraid to pursue what they want using what God gave them so to speak. Besides that it will start to focus your sexual energy on your spouse and not anybody else. It will tie that energy to him which is good for your marriage.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

TigerLake said:


> I'm craving intimate touches from men and it's on my mind constantly. I'm under a lot of stress right now......
> 
> I have started some physical therapy and it involves so much touching, which is also weird because of how long we've been social distancing. I haven't hugged or shaken hands with anyone besides my husband in over a year.
> 
> I don't want this on my mind all the time. It's really distracting. Is there anything to fix it?


A comment and a few thoughts. craving "intimate touches" is a slippery slope toward having an affair, depending on how intimate. Some people test themselves by getting in in appropriate situations to see how faithful they will be to their spouse. We have all heard the it was innocent and then one thing lead to another. From what you posted you need to think very clearly about how much you value your marriage.

Now as to some suggestions. Go find a place that does inexpensive massages or foot massages. If you are starved for touch this can be a very legitimate way to get the touch you need. There are lots of name brand massage places and chiropractors that that do massage with no sexual intimacy. 

Alternately, give yourself a massage. Yes, stretching, yoga, massaging legs, feet, can be done. Also there are foam rollers and various massage tools that can assist in self massage. A Thera-Can is one such device to reach those hard to reach places in the back.

There are lots of pre-recorded self help tapes/CD's on stress relief and positive affirmations. You might try that.

Try getting some physical exercise. Go for a walk, especially if you and your H can find time for one. Take up a sport that will allow you to clear your mind, such as bird watching, fishing, etc.

If you really need intimate touch, sign you and your H up for a few sessions with a sex therapist and ask for some help with sensate focus exercises. Alternately, you could read up on it and try doing it your self with you spouse.

Good luck.

P.S. You and your H might get and read Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight. It is all about the importance of touch and intimacy.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Get you one of those "shiatsu massage pillows" and spritz it with a similar male cologne of your PT. Then in the dark use that to overstimulate your need for touch so that afterwards you should be a bit numb/overwhelmed to the sensations. You might even help improve your shoulder in the process. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

You didn’t answer my question but I’ll give some thoughts in case it helps. If you and your husband are both keen to be intimate, I think you need to come together to work out how to make more time for each other again. Your work seems to be taking up a lot of time, stress and energy. Based on what you wrote, it sounds like an unhealthy imbalance - for your health alone, let alone your relationship. That’s where I’d start. And then with the intention to discover together how you can bring intimacy and touch back to your marriage. It could be starting with simple things like going to bed at the same time and just caressing or holding one another, or taking a shower together and taking turns scrubbing each others back / with a bit of shoulder rub included. Basically creating moments to reintroduce intimate touch to your marriage.

I do think switching to a female physical therapist is likely a good idea. It’s not to suggest that anything untoward would happen with the current therapist, especially if he maintains professional conduct, it’s more about you recognize he’s physically attractive and while it’s about touch and not being attracted to him, you may start mentally looking forward to the sessions and shifting potential mental energy his way (even if he's unaware) rather than to your husband. You might still feel that way about touch with a female therapist, however, if you’re hetero it may switch to a more nurturing feeling than potential sexualisation. And really, if you can reintroduce intimate touch with your husband, it’s likely that such appointments will hold less weight for you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

heartsbeating said:


> , it’s more about you recognize he’s physically attractive and while it’s about touch and not being attracted to him, you may start mentally looking forward to the sessions and shifting potential mental energy his way (even if he's unaware) rather than to your husband


Sounds like that train has already left the station....


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

jlg07 said:


> Sounds like that train has already left the station....


Good point. 

She can still turn it around though if she wants.


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

He doesn't respond much to efforts to being physically closer. Even though my work is stressful, my clients are relying on me to keep them out of serious legal trouble. I also don't feel a huge drive to go home sooner rather than later. Going home to feel alone around other people feels depressing compared to working and helping people the best I can.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

TigerLake said:


> He doesn't respond much to efforts to being physically closer. Even though my work is stressful, my clients are relying on me to keep them out of serious legal trouble. I also don't feel a huge drive to go home sooner rather than later. Going home to feel alone around other people feels depressing compared to working and helping people the best I can.


Sounds like my wife\marriage.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

TigerLake said:


> He doesn't respond much to efforts to being physically closer. Even though my work is stressful, my clients are relying on me to keep them out of serious legal trouble. I also don't feel a huge drive to go home sooner rather than later. *Going home to feel alone around other people feels depressing compared to working and helping people the best I can*.


Okay, so you're checking-out (or as @jlg07 pointed out, are already there) and distancing yourself from your husband (and possibly, him with you but who knows).

Sounds like you could both use a serious discussion of where you're each at.

The yearning for any kind of male touch (and without needing to be attracted) could risk any boundaries with others that you might normally keep. Figure it out before you create more stress for yourself and/or your marriage. I'm not suggesting a specific outcome as that's for you to work out yourself and between you and your husband. But do face what is happening head-on.


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## TigerLake (Jul 28, 2019)

We've discussed it and had marital counseling until insurance ended a few months ago. The therapist also seemed checked out of his job. I don't know if I'd call it being checked out or keeping status quo. 

It's just suddenly come on my mind so strongly lately and it's very annoying. Status quo is not better or worse.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

TigerLake said:


> We've discussed it and had marital counseling until insurance ended a few months ago. The therapist also seemed checked out of his job. I don't know if I'd call it being checked out or keeping status quo.
> 
> It's just suddenly come on my mind so strongly lately and it's very annoying. Status quo is not better or worse.


So what do you think you can do for yourself? 

There has been some input and suggestions - anything providing clarity or helping perspective that could help this 'annoyance'?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> You didn’t answer my question but I’ll give some thoughts in case it helps. If you and your husband are both keen to be intimate, I think you need to come together to work out how to make more time for each other again. Your work seems to be taking up a lot of time, stress and energy. Based on what you wrote, it sounds like an unhealthy imbalance - for your health alone, let alone your relationship. That’s where I’d start. And then with the intention to discover together how you can bring intimacy and touch back to your marriage. It could be starting with simple things like going to bed at the same time and just caressing or holding one another, or taking a shower together and taking turns scrubbing each others back / with a bit of shoulder rub included. Basically creating moments to reintroduce intimate touch to your marriage.
> 
> I do think switching to a female physical therapist is likely a good idea. It’s not to suggest that anything untoward would happen with the current therapist, especially if he maintains professional conduct, it’s more about you recognize he’s physically attractive and while it’s about touch and not being attracted to him, you may start mentally looking forward to the sessions and shifting potential mental energy his way (even if he's unaware) rather than to your husband. You might still feel that way about touch with a female therapist, however, if you’re hetero it may switch to a more nurturing feeling than potential sexualisation. And really, if you can reintroduce intimate touch with your husband, it’s likely that such appointments will hold less weight for you.


This is why I am a great believer in same sex physical therapists.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TigerLake said:


> He doesn't respond much to efforts to being physically closer. Even though my work is stressful, my clients are relying on me to keep them out of serious legal trouble. I also don't feel a huge drive to go home sooner rather than later. Going home to feel alone around other people feels depressing compared to working and helping people the best I can.


Why you're not getting this from your H seems like your choice, you list all excuses to not have sex with him. Why is that?

You're touchless really by your own choice. Your own priority setting.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

TigerLake said:


> I'm under a lot of stress right now and my company is shuttering, my ex- is suing for more custody. My husband and I hardly spend time together because we've both been working too much. Now I'm busy wrapping business up with the company before it closes.


NEITHER of you seems to be prioritizing each other. Look, your MARRIAGE is your primary relationship. Your kids are important, but you and your husband NEED to make time.
In 20 years, is this job that is closing going to be that important? Is the short-term stress going to be important in 20 years?
If you don't prioritize the marriage, it won't BE THERE in 20 years. If you continue the current PT and desires for ANYONE to touch you, that is going to destroy any boundaries you have (if you in fact have them) surrounding your marriage, and you will cheat. Is that what you want?
FOCUS on your H and your marriage. TALK WITH HIM -- get HIM to focus on it as well.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

TigerLake said:


> We've discussed it and had marital counseling until insurance ended a few months ago. ....


The cost of either one marriage counselor or one sex therapist is a lot cheaper the cost of two divorce attorneys even if marriage counselor costs are not covered by health insurance.

Good luck.


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