# I



## alandala (Mar 11, 2010)

Hello everyone.

I have to admit that I'm not the type to go out and talk about my feelings but this time I think I hit a wall. 

I did something very stupid and now I'm just aching about this situation. I married very young and I've been married throughout all my younger years. Sometimes I felt like I'm missing on life by not experiencing the sceneries but I cannot say that I wasn't happy with my marriage. I'm married to a wonderful woman and we were lucky enough to be a good fit and have a great life. The problem is that from time to time I miss being a single guy and experience dating other women. This gap got me into trouble in the last couple of weeks. I have a co-worker that is very attractive and she kept flirting with me for a long time. I responded to the flirt and things got a little more serious. She did not accept the fact that I could end my marriage so we stopped basically talking to each other. I don't want to end my marriage; this is out of the question. What I'm worried about is the fact that I can't control my feelings towards my co-worker. It's driving me insane and the fact that I see her every day makes things worse. Nothing physically happened between us but we got some steamy emails, talking about our feelings towards each other. 
At this point I feel like I woke up from a bad dream but the emotions are still very strong. I'm worried that I'm not doing the right thing by hanging on to my marriage. I want so bad to get back to where I was a couple of weeks ago but I can't stop thinking about this woman. I know it is not fair to my wife and the guilt is killing me slowly. I’m thinking of telling her but that would hurt her so much. I would rather take this to the grave than making my wife suffer.
I’m thinking of getting some therapy but I’m not sure if this would help me in any way.
Thank you for reading my post.


----------



## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

You know you can't have it both ways. When you get married, you give all of your love, devotion and trust to your spouse. Anything less is disrespectful.
You can't have a happy marriage while you're having an EA with your coworker. And, speakling from personal experience, an EA is devastating. Or your can leave your wife and see what life is like with your co worker. It's your choice.


----------



## alandala (Mar 11, 2010)

Thanks for your response. 

I know I can't have it both ways. That's way I'm so torn apart. I wish I don't have these feelings towards my coworker because I want to be with my wife so much. It is very frustrating that I can't control these feelings and I feel very guilty for doing this to my wife. What is worrying me is that I might be channeling my frustration to this coworker and actually I cannot see the bigger picture. How can I be sure this doesn't happen again? Maybe this coworker got nothing to do with it. She just happen to be here and now and the problem is actually my thoughts of being "out there."


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

alandala said:


> . How can I be sure this doesn't happen again?


Pretty simple really, don't put your self in a position in the first place. If you are in an emotionally vulnerable position you should have backed away as soon as the flirting started. Keep in mind that this woman had an active part in pursuing you, a married man. She could have ruined your marriage, your family, financially crippled you, risked your livelihood with an in office affair. But that didn't stop her, not relationship stock in my opinion. You need to accept the blame for your part in this also make sure you take the step necessary to see it doesn't happen again. Your feelings of distance from your wife are likely a result of your feelings for TOW. Work on your marriage, date your wife, spend time and rediscover the reasons you fell in love with her in the first place. As you lose your feelings for TOW your feelings for your wife will increase. Or visa versa. With effort it will get better.


----------



## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Even though you said you were married at a young age, you are very fortunate to have found someone as wonderful as your wife.
What if you found out that she was having an EA with a coworker? I'm sure you would be devastated. I know when I found out that my H was having an EA, it just about killed my soul. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
These EA's seem to happen when there is some kind of disconnect going on in the marriage, and people seem to turn to somebody else who they feel is their soul mate. But, ultimately, these don't work for so many reasons.
I know you want your marriage to work, so the only thing to do is to break off the EA with the OW. Otherwise, you will be channeling all of your energy into your EA and your marriage won't survive.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

HappyAtLast said:


> These EA's seem to happen when there is some kind of disconnect going on in the marriage, and people seem to turn to somebody else who they feel is their soul mate. But, ultimately, these don't work for so many reasons.


:iagree:
Exactly the case in my wife's EA.


----------



## localhost (Mar 9, 2010)

You're feeling the same as many men do every day. You are _so lucky_ that you have not acted on it, though. You still have a chance to save your sanity. You have not gone all the way down the road of no return.

As an aside, I really would like to see some numbers correlating marriage age, divorce rate, and the extremeness of partying in the young adult American over the last 50 years. I would put money on it that this would reveal a rather straight line side by side.

I am 27, and we got married later in life, so these same issues don't effect us quite the same. Neither of us were angels before we got married, and it could be said that we "got the partying out" before then. We both knew we were ready to settle it down.

Getting married young, though, is not really a viable excuse. It is considered to be an excuse because it puts you in a bad light for not maintaining your responsibilities correctly. I am not saying you are a bad person, I am saying that getting married too young is not a valid reason for wanting to divorce. You can have just as fun and rewarding of a life with your wife - sexually, romantically, and emotionally - than with any other woman who might come along.

The above posters have some good information on how this "homewrecker" is willing to risk everything - with a married man - just for pleasure and self-satisfaction.

You are experiencing what I and some friends of mine like to call "lust". You want to have sex with the other woman because it would be exciting, new, and adventurous. Just be warned that the negative effects of an affair always outweigh any positives.

Just remember a couple of things:

If you leave your wife for this other woman, you could never trust the other woman; after all, she doesn't put any value in relationships or marriages, so why should she care about a new relationship with you? When she becomes bored, she'll leave and be off to the next "project".

If you end up having an affair with her, you transfer all power to the other woman. She now has the power to tell your wife if she wants to, if you don't do what she wants, and the ability to tell your employer everything, which could cost you your job or make you look "untrustworthy of responsibility".

You had to believe at some point that your wife was attractive, sexy, and held all of your personal desire. What has made that change all of a sudden? Sex with her will always be more special and more rewarding than anyone else, especially as you get more mature and older.

Like someone said above, you can't have it both ways. I'm for the wife, though; she deserves your undivided attention and unconditional love. She will reward you with so many blessings over her life that you may cry when you are alone just thinking how lucky you are to be loved by her.

Love is stronger than lust, and is certainly more permanent. I would be truthful with her about everything that has happened, tell her that you don't want this other woman, and that you may need help. Tell her you treasure her, and you were stupid for pursuing this line of thinking. If your wife truly loves you, and you haven't crossed the line of getting physical, she will help you with any problems that you may have.

You may also want to find a way to limit your contact with this other woman however you can. And tell her that you're not interested in anything. Tell her you will be her friend (if you even want that much out of her), but it must never cross the lines in your marriage.


----------



## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

alandala - I see nothing in your posts that suggests anything more substantial than infatuation in your feelings towards your co-worker. It seems regressive and i haven't read anything that remotely warrants ending your marriage. 

Infatuation is a powerful and toxic drug. Take action, do something to regain control of your feelings, values and sense of centre. If it happens again - and it can - you'll spot the warning signs more quickly and deal with it more skilfully. 

Can you get help and support - a pastor, a counselor - face-to-face talking with a real person will bring some reality back into your feelings, whereas confronting this problem in isolation will be corrosive. Good luck!


----------



## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

How is sex with your wife? Are you satisfied in bed?


----------



## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Wait til you do wake up from that dream and realize "oh [email protected], what have I done to what matters most"

Be careful, you might regret so much. No judging, just being clear headed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alandala (Mar 11, 2010)

Thank you all for your words. The fact that I’m able to talk with somebody about this, makes me feel better. 
My wife already sees some changes in me. She keeps asking me where am I when she sees me lost in my thoughts. She’s not very invasive for now but I know it is just a matter of time until she’ll confront me about this…and I’m pretty sure I’m going to tell her. 
Now about this other woman; it is not fair to her to leave this discussion like that. I don’t think I was clear enough. She flirted with me when she didn’t know I was married. It is a big company; you don’t know everybody’s status. When she find out I’m married she stopped flirting. She assured me that she is VERY interested in me but she’s not going to destroy a marriage. At this point it is only my fault. I keep thinking of her and how would my life be with her. She’s an incredible woman; smart, funny, coming from a powerful family and she’s insanely hot….basically she has no reason to be with me. Probably that’s what’s driving me insane. I’m intrigued by her interest in me and I just can’t control it.
Don’t get me wrong, my wife is an amazing woman too. I know some guys that hated me for marrying her. That’s why I detest myself right now. Here I am having a beautiful marriage and still thinking of other women. I guess I don’t deserve it.


----------



## Doc Savage (Mar 16, 2010)

No matter what the mistake, we are allowed to correct it and move on. It's how we go about the correction that makes a difference in the QoL (Quality of Life).

If it doesn't work, move on. Fixing marriages never really work. People are too complex of a device to ever be repaired properly. And some of us continue to live life broken for fear of change.

Don't spend 23 years miserable because you thought you were doing the right thing. You got one shot before you become worm food, do it the best you can.


----------

