# Sexless and Intimacy less marriage



## NotSoSure_Chicago (Jul 7, 2010)

I am new to this forum. My husband and I have been together for 12 years.. I am not even sure where to start. We have a sexless and intimacy less marriage, its like we are co habiting in the same house. We don't and haven't slept in the same bed for years.. he has every excuse in the book. We have two children. I recently left him which I have been saying for sometime. Its been well over 4 years since we had sex. He blames it on stress, over worked, money problems, but I got tired of waiting. He said he'd get help but never followed thru with the call. I can't do it all for him. I just don't want our children to grow up thinking that life is suppose to be that way. I need / want to be loved and appreciated... He didn't even ask me to stay, everytime I asked did you think about it, he'd say he didn't know how to fix it but knew it had to change (arguing, stress, financial but never once said us) He said that we need to be a family like we were, well that was not a good situation. I believe he was just afraid of not having the kids and I explained I would never take them. Long story short, this is my second week gone and he hasn't asked to talk or say he wants me to come home for ME and HIM...I really don't miss him but I do miss my children when they aren't with me....what do you think


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

My wife finally left after a few years of a basically sexless, intimacy void marriage, I was just not physically attracted to her but didn't want separate due to our 2 daughters, but 3 1/2 mos. later and looking back, it was the right decision, of course the only draw back is not seeing the kids all the time, but I am happier, she is happier, and the kids (I think) are adjusting, obviously he can take it or leave it, he probably won't ask you to come back and why would you, you both were in a miserable situation but sometimes one partner doesn't want to leave and will ride it out being unhappy, thinking it is easier than starting over, it is harder but happier, and one spouse desperately wants out, you made the right decision if the reasons you stated are valid in your mind...the kids will be happier but more importantly, you will be...and who knows, maybe after a few years apart anything can happen... I was married 17 yrs.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Long story short, this is my second week gone and he hasn't asked to talk or say he wants me to come home for ME and HIM...I really don't miss him but I do miss my children when they aren't with me....what do you think[/QUOTE]

If this is correct and accurate then it sounds like you both would love to stay together for the kids. 

If neither of you are motivated to try to work out your problems you should stay apart. In the long run this will be best for all of you (especially your children)


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

There was no point in leaving if you were not committed to the decision. If you thought it was going to make him ask you back and change all of a sudden, then you left for the wrong reason. I think it a good idea in some cases to leave with the hope that it make the spouse change. Usually, it wakes a person up, but there always has to be the commitment to being gone. And, I don't think this is a situation that he CAN change. It's not an attitude thing or an issue of disrespect. There is a problem that neither of you bothered to find. You left it up to him and for four years you knew he was not going to do anything about it. If you wanted it done, oh yes you were supposed to do it for him. You were supposed to make the call. You were supposed to drag him by the ear to the appointment if need be. Instead, you tried to MAKE him take care of it just like you're doing now. I understand wanting to feel important to him, wanting to feel you meant enough to him that he would make the effort. And even now, you wanted to feel important to him to ask you to come home. But look what doing nothing got you. Look at where you are by trying to force him. You made the whole situation all about you and not about the marriage.....for four long years. Is what you are doing to your children really worth it?

Either move on with your life, or take your arse back home and start making some phone calls. Begin with a marriage counselor and then his doctor. This could be as simple a matter as needing viagra or as complicated as needing surgery......or chemotherapy. Get the message? There could be something seriously wrong with him that he is ignoring. A lot of men hate going to doctors, so not making the phone call probably has nothing to do with you not being important to him. Pull your head out of your own butt and see about your husband. When all the tests come back negative, then you'll have good reason to feel unloved and unappreciated. But if something comes back positive, boy are you going to feel awful.

Counseling is to help bring to the surface the issue of the dysfunction if it is not a medical problem. The excuses he has given you are just that - excuses. He may not know what is causing his lack of desire, and he might be well aware but unable to relate that to you. Either way, he would still offer whatever excuses he can contrive. But the truth has to be discovered and brought to the surface. If you have the nerve to face the truth, then recovery and healing is in your future. It might even lead to restoring your marriage.


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