# What Do You Think?



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I just wanted to put out something that happened last night and get some input on "how" I did. How you would accept what I did and if you think I did more harm than good. I need some feedback.

As you well know, I'm having extreme issues with my sex life with my husband. Lots of factors involved - including medical/medicaton issues, physical issues and resentment.

I've been extremely patient, more so in the last two months. I've completely flipped my behavior - I haven't been critical, emasculating, grumpy, *****y, nothing. I've been pleasant, supportive, complimentary and tried to be the woman he wants. 

As a result, we have had no arguments or fights, disagreements, yelling, name calling, nothing in the last two months. Things have been quite peaceful - but yet - no sexual overtures from him at all - but he's still giving his time and attention to porn, instead of me.

I was frustrated and feeling extremely lonely and neglected last night and I guess it showed. My husband asked what was wrong with me, so I decided it was time to tell him "everything" that was on my mind - even things I haven't expressed to him before - I've always held some things back because I didn't want to make him feel bad or cause additional problems.

I told him I was lonely and feeling neglected. I told him that I couldn't live without sex and that he was forcing me to because he had shut me out.

I went on further to explain that I knew there were issues beyond his control, that I knew things had changed and that I could accept those changes - but what I couldn't accept was that he wouldn't try. That I didn't consider not coming near me sexually in two months trying. That I didn't think that once a week, to start, was too much effort on his part.

I also told him that while I understood there were times when he didn't feel good, was tired, had a long day at the hospital, etc., that he continued to reject me for various reasons and that all the excuses, valid or not, were beginning to sound just like that - excuses.

I told him it hurt me that he was willing to take care of himself through porn but was ignoring the woman who was willing and wanted him and that I didn't understand why.

I then went on further to tell him that his resentment was what I felt another excuse to avoid contact with me. That he needed to get past what the issues are or there was no future for us.

I told him that rejecting me sexually, regardless of the reason, had hurt me to the core of who I was as a woman - forget that I'm his wife, the person he professes to love. I told him that I was losing the emotional bond I felt with him due to lack of sexual intimacy. Whether it be right or wrong, I felt loved when I was desired and since I wasn't desired, the emotional bond I used to feel was being chipped away.

I also told him that since he wouldn't talk to me about what all the real issues were, that I was moving forward with no information and misinformation. I also told him that if the problem was that he wasn't attracted to me - then why was I still around? I told him I was starting to feel used - more like a roommate than a wife and I didn't want him as a roommate, I wanted him as my husband.

I told him I understood that our sex life will never be what it was due to all the issues, but that there were other things we could do that did not involve certain body parts but that he wasn't trying anything and that was unacceptable - he could at least try.

I told him that if it wasn't me (my attractiveness), then if he loved me, why would he continue to let me believe it is - why couldn't he tell me the real reason so I could deal with it or so I could make decisions. Why would he continue to let me hurt and feel undesirable if it "wasn't me" as far as him being attracted to me.

Now, maybe this wasn't the right thing to say, but to make my final point - I told him, hey - you know that lonelywives.com website - well, dear you're living with one. Now I know why they are out there, they're in the same boat as me.

He never said a word during this entire conversation - but he did listen (the way he does).

He did come to bed later and kiss me goodnight and things were normal - in other words - no shut out - acting like I didn't exist - no getting drunk, etc.

Things are normal (conversation-wise) between us this morning.

So what do you think?

Did this sound overly-critical?

Emasculating?

Since he didn't react negatively or get defensive, etc., do you think he was really listening and processing?

I'm going to let it sink in - again - and not bring it back up.

Do you think I should remain off-limits also (not approach him for sex) and let him come to me?

Thanks in advance.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

You are a saint

That's a lot to say in one sitting but if he doesn't start communicating with you today or tommorow I think you should say it again. It sounds like he's comfortable shutting you out so don't let him.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Wrench said:


> You are a saint
> 
> That's a lot to say in one sitting but if he doesn't start communicating with you today or tommorow I think you should say it again. It sounds like he's comfortable shutting you out so don't let him.


Thanks - I'll give it a few days and see if he comes to me.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I think that you did great.

Maybe wait a day or two and then approach him with, "Have you thought about what I told you the other day?"


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

I'm sure you know that porn can become an addiction. 

www.no-porn.com


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## regularguy (Apr 29, 2011)

I think you did very well. I wish my wife would talk to me that way. I wish she would say things like, "I feel this way" instead of the "your being irritating" that i tend to get. Good job.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

DanF said:


> I think that you did great.
> 
> Maybe wait a day or two and then approach him with, "Have you thought about what I told you the other day?"


:iagree:


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## Sennik (Feb 15, 2011)

DanF said:


> I think that you did great.
> 
> Maybe wait a day or two and then approach him with, "Have you thought about what I told you the other day?"


Agreed. Give him a bit of time to process and follow-up.

I think you did *very* well MWIL. I can't begin to put myself in your husband's thought processes as I am lucky enough to have a fulfilling sex life with my wife. I can tell you this...if my wife were to approach me with a problem using that kind of candor (frank without being incisive) I would most *definitely* pay heed.

I have been following your threads here and wish you well, you deserve better.

Hopefully this wakes him up.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

luckyman said:


> I'm sure you know that porn can become an addiction.
> 
> Pornography Addiction Recovery and Support


Oh no, I know.

But he has to make the choice to pick it or me.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Sennik said:


> Agreed. Give him a bit of time to process and follow-up.
> 
> I think you did *very* well MWIL. I can't begin to put myself in your husband's thought processes as I am lucky enough to have a fulfilling sex life with my wife. I can tell you this...if my wife were to approach me with a problem using that kind of candor (frank without being incisive) I would most *definitely* pay heed.
> 
> ...


Thanks - he didn't get defensive or start yelling at me or anything of that nature that's happened in the past - so I thought maybe my approach was going well so I continued until I got EVERYTHING out, some I had been holding back and only said here, but not directly to him.

We'll see...if he loves me, he'll pay attention.

If not, well - then after my surgery I have some decisions to make.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

regularguy said:


> I think you did very well. I wish my wife would talk to me that way. I wish she would say things like, "I feel this way" instead of the "your being irritating" that i tend to get. Good job.


It takes time - I used to be more of the YOU talker, I'm trying to be more of the I talker.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

I think you did great. What baffles me is that he said nothing ~ I just can't imagine that!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

But more importantly, you are in a very perilous position of having an affair and if that happens, I can guarantee you that your situation will become a thousand times worse.

You may want to consider filing for divorce if the situation doesn't improve soon.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I just wanted to put out something that happened last night and get some input on "how" I did. How you would accept what I did and if you think I did more harm than good. I need some feedback.
> 
> As you well know, I'm having extreme issues with my sex life with my husband. Lots of factors involved - including medical/medicaton issues, physical issues and resentment.
> 
> ...


“Communication” can be a strange thing. Did you know that while we’re “listening” we take in about 80% visually through our eyes (body language, expressions etc.) and just 20% through our ears.

So your H probably didn’t hear more than 30% of what you said and will more than likely have already forgotten half of that. What he will have taken note of and remembered is the “way you said what you said”.

So why not write it all down and give him the note? That way he will be able to ponder over what you said in his own time and in his own time reply to you.

Bob


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I wonder where she could get a transcript?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Whatshisname said:


> I think you did great. What baffles me is that he said nothing ~ I just can't imagine that!


That's just how he is and always has been.

I actually prefer no response than the usual response I used to get - shut up, get out of my room, I don't want to hear this, etc.

This was the FIRST TIME he didn't follow the predicted script - something has changed, I don't know what - but he did not respond as he usually does.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Update.

Not much changed on Thursday or Friday.

Not really getting the "freeze out" treatment which is his usual response to me talking about my feelings - especially if they have anything to do with him.

But a strange thing happened on Saturday.

I went to town to run errands, he wanted to stay home. I had a brief - you will lose me if this keeps up, you don't think I'll leave, but I will. Things need to change, this isn't fair to me.

He did respond this time saying that he didn't need another "lecture" from me. I told him I wasn't lecturing, but trying to tell him how I feel to which he responded 'I don't care how you feel.'

I then left.

When I got home, he was acting normally, quite pleasant, engaging me, etc.

And, for the FIRST TIME in a very long time...he actually intiated sex Sat night.

I could tell he was nervous and holding back a bit as he didn't know what to expect, what would work, etc., but he did try and we had a good time. 

I told him I appreciated him trying and that I enjoyed myself and hoped we'd get together again soon.

Rest of the weekend was pleasant.

So - your thoughts?

Was this just a one-time thing or is he "thinking" and realizing that things could drastically change for him, and not in a good way?

He was pleasant again this morning and when I touched him in a sexual way yesterday, he didn't pull away - we didn't go there, but he didn't pull away.

When I had the "talk" with him on Wed, I mentioned - once per week, to start wouldn't be too much to ask. 

So do I wait until HE approaches me again - or should I stand by that once per week to start and approach him this weekend and see what happens?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Update.
> 
> Not much changed on Thursday or Friday.
> 
> ...


I am sorry to see that you are hurting. Happy to hear you two connected over the weekend though.

Have you tryed marriage counseling? Will he go?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> I am sorry to see that you are hurting. Happy to hear you two connected over the weekend though.
> 
> Have you tryed marriage counseling? Will he go?


We are in MC and both in IC.

He said his sex drive had dropped.

Okay - I can handle that - but if it's dropped, then it was in body/desire physically only - apparently his MIND is still at it - or what would be the reason for the porn?

Guys - good question.

If his drive has dropped, along with the other physical and med issues - this would affect his desire for it physically - but his mind would still be active (I want it, I want it) - so would that explain the continued porn usage?


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