# What am i supposed to do



## roro1121 (Feb 19, 2015)

Ever since i was a kid, i always wanted to join the Army(I am a female) my senior year of highschool i started talking to people about joining, and there i started signing paers. Tehn i kind of just lost hope in the idea..I am now engaged, and he is currently active duty in the Army and the itch couldnt be bigger fior me. I want to join so bad. But i dont want to be active, just reserves. So i would only go into work once a month for a weekend. y fiance said absolutly not because he wants nothing to do with the military when he gets out. He also said it's because he doesnt trust the guys that i would have to work with....So NOW. I cannot have male friends( past argument) whatsoever. None. Zip. Ziltch. Nothing. No male friends at all. That means i have to drop all my guy friends which is only a couple. I already had to drop a close family friend whom is a male, whom is in the military. && NOW i cannot even join the reserves. WHat am i supposed to do ? I'm so confused and hurt because i feel like hes trying to control my life and our life together hasnt even started yet . Someone PLEASE give me advise before i just have a huge mental break down. Please


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

You know the answer to this.

You would like to get some validation here - sure, but you really are the only persion who knows (down inside your soul) the answer.

You aren't even married, and the rules are that you can't have ANY male friends?

Good luck - but remember that nobody owns you.

After you're married, he can very well set "his" boundaries, but SO CAN YOU...


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

Time to cut it off.
NO ONE tells you what to do. You're a big girl, make your own decisions. NO ONE owns you!


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

Drop it like it's hot.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

roro1121 said:


> Ever since i was a kid, i always wanted to join the Army(I am a female) my senior year of highschool i started talking to people about joining, and there i started signing paers. Tehn i kind of just lost hope in the idea..I am now engaged, and he is currently active duty in the Army and the itch couldnt be bigger fior me. I want to join so bad. But i dont want to be active, just reserves. So i would only go into work once a month for a weekend. y fiance said absolutly not because he wants nothing to do with the military when he gets out. He also said it's because he doesnt trust the guys that i would have to work with....So NOW. I cannot have male friends( past argument) whatsoever. None. Zip. Ziltch. Nothing. No male friends at all. That means i have to drop all my guy friends which is only a couple. I already had to drop a close family friend whom is a male, whom is in the military. && NOW i cannot even join the reserves. WHat am i supposed to do ? I'm so confused and hurt because i feel like hes trying to control my life and our life together hasnt even started yet . Someone PLEASE give me advise before i just have a huge mental break down. Please



You are your own woman and adult. You can do what you want. 

You said you started signing the papers and then stopped. Why do you want to sign up again? I think you should really think about why you want to join the military and remember it is a legal, binding commitment. 

Edit: On our first day of basic they ask you "Are you ready to die for your country? Because that's why you are here." Sometimes we get blinded by all the razzle dazzle of fitness, travel, steady paycheck that we forget we are suppose to be tools in the machine of war. And the people who wield that machine aren't concerned with your personal health or safety. 

You realize even as reserves you can be called up as active duty? When I was in, due to the state of the war, they couldn't call enough people up to get them to go overseas. People who had been on reserves were getting pulled who had never left the country for vacation, much less a very serious war.

A lot of people get bedazzled at the idea of the Reserves (ooh I get paid and college credit for only once a month). This doesn't include additional training which can increase in frequency during war time (which is time away from home). With the current state of our foreign affairs and policy, I would not be surprised to see us overseas again in the next 5 years.

What about when you want to start a family? Being a mother does not make you ineligible for shipping. Pregnancy is only temporary. You can be separated from your infant, your children, for periods of 1 to 4+ year stretches. Sometimes, if you're lucky, those times are broken up so you get a 6 month time with your family. Then you're gone again.

This means 1 to 4+ away from your husband as well, and he you.

You are young. I joined the National Guard when I was seventeen because I didn't see a future for myself in college. I wanted to be GI Jane. I was a tomboy. I was carrying on a tradition in our family of someone being in the military. I had a million reasons for joining.

Now, over a decade later, I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell her to *wait*. To think about it. I didn't realize how big and wide the world was. How many other things there were for me out there. I didn't have just one or two paths to choose from. I had so many! But I was too young and inexperienced to recognize it.


Another girl started the recruitment process with me when I was seventeen. She stopped herself like you did. And I remember being envious of her because I had doubts, but was too afraid (also prideful) to stop what I was doing. I really wish I had listened and waited.

Additionally, I feel it was a waste of my time and brain to be enlisted. Anyone can be enlisted. I should have been an officer. It has a higher pay grade, respect, and I felt would have challenged me much better than any position I would have had as enlisted.

There were people in my unit who LOST MONEY from doing drills, they had to come, it was part of the contract. They made more money in their civilian life. Keep this in mind. (You do realize it is an *EIGHT year contract* you are signing... right?)

On top of this, there is a high risk of sexual assault for a female in the military. This may be part of the reason your boyfriend doesn't want you to go. He's heard it. Seen it. And maybe even participated in the less than savory activities of our young, male soldiers.

I highly encourage you to read some of the female perspective in this post HERE. It deals with their personal experience in the military. I also posted in that thread, which you can read HERE.


The controlling nature of your fiancé is concerning. The fact you allow it is even more concerning, but also probably speaks to your age. It's okay, we were all young and inexperienced in the ways of love and boundaries. You get to decide how you allow your fiancé to treat you. Him telling you what you can and cannot do with your life is disrespectful. You need to stand up to him.

Being timid and pushed around like you are with your fiancé is a victim attitude that some military men will recognize and prey on. You need to be able to stand your ground and demand respect and not crumble when you meet resistance. *You WILL meet resistance if you choose to go into the military. *

Because you are a woman.


Source: Life experience.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

From what you wrote, I'd suggest moving on as your own person and taking some time to yourself before joining the service and/or marrying anyone. Grow. Experience. Be your own person a while.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

RoRo...I'm just wondering....why a reservist? I don't know about the military reserves in the US but in the UK you CAN - and many are - called up to go on tour to places like Afghanistan. I'm sure its the same in the US. Their civilian jobs are protected etc.
In the British army the reservists (Territorial Army) are referred to by the 'regulars' as STABS - Stupid TA Ba$tards. 
Part time soldiers, airmen, seamen, firefighters, police etc are NEVER seen as equals amongst regulars.

If you want to join, join properly and aim high. If you can, apply to be an officer....join a corps/division where you can learn a 'trade'; an engineer, comms expert, pilot etc. 
What use is knowing how to drive a tank or slog 30kms with 40kg on your back in civilian life?
Learn something so that when you come out you will have a proper qualification.

As a woman yes you will get 'ribbed' just as someone who wears glasses will, or who is bald, or very tall or coloured (how many black soldiers get called 'midnight'?)...but the camaraderie is second to none!

Go for it.....but go for it full time. With or without your BF/Fiances support.
You are YOU...do it for YOU, not him.
Plenty more fish in the sea! 
Good luck!


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