# Need Advice about Mother In Law - causing serious friction between me and my husband!



## Lilie_kat (Oct 3, 2012)

My husband just informed me that my MIL is coming to visit. We just recently moved (to another city than her, driving distance) and I am glad that she is visiting. However, there are a few things that I am concerned about regarding her visit. 1)She is a hypochondriac and she is constantly complaining about some sort of "ailment", she has unnecessary surgeries to receive sympathy and lets not to forget to mention she constantly is on a sleuth of medication (she carries a bag with her prescriptions). 2) She is bringing her TWO 150lbs. Labador Retrievers to stay in my box filled garage. We are not "pet people" and live in a tight community; she does not clean up after them and I refuse to let them in our home. I feel bad, but our backyard is small and our kids play back there constantly. Since we just moved here, we had to lease a property and NO PETS are allowed! 3) She is not a "cleansy" person. I have 4 children and a husband that I constantly pick up after... vision: walking into her home is like an epidsode of "Hoarders". I am not kidding! And 4) Last week she was unable to pay her electric bill and asked us for money. How is she affording to come here?!?

I do care for her, she is a kind hearted person. I was glad that she was coming to see us, but, my Husband dropped the news that she is staying for 2 WEEKS. I have so much going on, and my Husband tends to think that I can handle everything on my schedule, my childrens schedule AND take care/spend adequate time with her. He does not have to deal with it in full capacity because he goes to work (not a typical desk job btw). I know that she is going to thrive on his attention as well - (i.e. I was hospitalized during my last pregnancy and low and behold, all of the sudden, she was in the ER at THE SAME HOSPITAL! 4 floors down).

The pressure is on, and I honestly do not know how to survive 2 WEEKS. I usually am the type to "grin and bare it", but I am sincerely overwhelmed and do not want to say something that I will later regret. How should I handle this?? I have already sat down with my husband and told him my concerns (he is not overly close with her, but we/he is the only sibling that speaks to her.) He told me to call her and tell her not to come!! Really?!? I have been under A LOT of stress and my blood pressure is above hypertension - I was lucky enough to find out that I need to start seeing a Cardiologist last week, and I AM ONLY 36!!! How can I be kind, yet stand my ground? This is just the bottom of the barrell on and I am starting to seriously DROWN!!! HELPPPPPP


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Your husband needs to man up and tell his mother its not a good time. He needs to put you before her. Thats the bottom line.

This isn't your place, it's HIS mother so he should handle it. Putting it off on you is a cop out.



> I have already sat down with my husband and told him my concerns (he is not overly close with her, but we/he is the only sibling that speaks to her.) He told me to call her and tell her not to come!!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Your husband needs to man up and tell his mother its not a good time. He needs to put you before her. Thats the bottom line.
> 
> This isn't your place, it's HIS mother so he should handle it. Putting it off on you is a cop out.


I agree with this 100%. Come on dude, be a man. Oh, and if she still comes, I would have no problem saying to her that you signed a no pet agreement and that the dogs can't come. It's one thing for them to camp out in the garage during Thanksgiving dinner, but for 2 weeks? NFW.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I have experience with MILs! lol

Good advice as far as your husband goes, he needs to be the one to deal with it. But we wives know the likelihood of that happening is nil especially since he never has in the past. Work on that for the future but you have her arriving soon so you need to deal with that now.

A few things....

1. Dog poop where kids play is unsafe. (Yes, I know that millions of us survived childhood playing in the same yard as our dogs. I also know that antibiotic immunity wasn't around then either. I also know wiping poop up from shoes with little holes in the bottom is one of the worst things a poor mom has to do!)

2. You signed a lease that said no pets. Focus here! The dogs are not allowed and will have to be put in a kennel at her expense. Let her know you called your landlord to let him know that you would have dogs for two weeks and he said absolutely not! I know it is a lie and that isn't good but this is your easiest way of dealing with this with no long term resentment on her part.

3. Her meds. Her constant medical issues. Her drama. Her everything....nothing you can do about that. She is who she is. You also love her. Smile and try to see the humor in it all. Be glad she isn't your mom.

Do what you need to do to keep sane, you have your husband's permission right? So do it!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm not lying to my MIL. The hell with that. I'm not putting her up either if I had all this going on. She's not getting me put out with her dogs, and she really has some cahones to even be talking about bringing them. 

The answer is NO, and I would raise holy hell in that house until my husband did what he should do. If I have to call her myself and put everybody on speaker... she would hear me say it right in front of him. I'm sorry but we can't put you up. You're welcome to visit, but only if you make other arrangements for your pets, and/or stay in a hotel.


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## Lilie_kat (Oct 3, 2012)

I am very appreciative of all of the posts! Each of you have validated my thoughts and feelings about this situation... I just don't want to get so overwhelmed and repress. I feel like a soda bottle that has been shaken up and about to "explode" and I am trying to make sure that does not happen. I don't like conflict and that is why I have put up with so much in the past, or "swept it under the carpet". I can feel my attitude change around my husband and I don't like the way I feel... then again, I don't like being put in these positions either. In all seriousness, thank you very much for taking the time to post a response!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ya it takes a lot of stones to put your son and his family's living home at risk because you couldn't bear to be without your dogs for 2 weeks. How would she feel if her grandchildren were suddenly homeless / had to move because of this?


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## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

She's his mother, he needs to deal with her. You should not have to spend any time with her without him present, so if he isn't planning on taking time off to spend with her, she shouldn't be visiting. Does she know you live in a place that does not allow pets? Because that's some major boundary stomping, to bring large dogs to visit people who are not pet people and who have a no pets clause. 
The issue of my in-laws visiting has caused SEVERE strain on my marriage. They would visit for two and three weeks at a time, while my husband worked ten hour days. This forced closeness quite literally ruined my relationship with them.
I don't know if I'm allowed to reccommend another site but you should check out the DWIL (dealing with the in-laws) section of BabyCenter.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Lilie_kat said:


> I am very appreciative of all of the posts! Each of you have validated my thoughts and feelings about this situation... I just don't want to get so overwhelmed and repress. I feel like a soda bottle that has been shaken up and about to "explode" and I am trying to make sure that does not happen. I don't like conflict and that is why I have put up with so much in the past, or "swept it under the carpet". I can feel my attitude change around my husband and I don't like the way I feel... then again, I don't like being put in these positions either. In all seriousness, thank you very much for taking the time to post a response!


Well look at it this way...

Your conflict avoidance tendencies have caused you to have heart problems. How's that working out for you? Having to see a cardiologist at 36 isn't how you should be living life.

It's time to let it fly. Get mad, and tell him NO I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS. You can keep being the doormat or for a change you can be the foot. It's your choice.


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## Lilie_kat (Oct 3, 2012)

Thank you @agreenbough for the website! I will definitely check it out  
@A Bit Much - Thank you for giving me some extra confidence - TBH I am not usually this unclear on how to handle a situations!!! Hence, my post. I actually needed to make sure that I wasn't being inconsiderate or the one being "unreasonable". I agree with WorkingOnMe... It would be one thing if it was a few days/Thanksgiving dinner!!!! 
And, YES, she does know my feelings about the dogs; I've conveyed this multiple times in the past. Her taking them to be boarded was a great idea and YES it should be at her expense, but we literally just lent her money 2 weeks ago for her electric bill. I am still trying to understand how she has the money to travel here. So her paying for the pooches to go somewhere is most liley out of the question. And since we just moved here, our budget is SUPER SUPER tight!! I don't even know how she is expecting us to feed/buy things for her needs on top of the 6 of us - My husband hasn't thought that through either. I am going to try and talk with him again... there is no way that this visit can possibly happen right now. I know that she is lonely since we left, but I just cannot deal with it - not now. I strongly believe that there is a time and place for everything. Right now is not the time. If he gets mad at me for that then we seriously have some issues to work out!! <crossing fingers>


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She can afford the trip because it's an investment. See, she spends $150 on gas, then she eats your food for 2 weeks, uses your electricity and water. She ends up ahead.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You could remind her about that electric bill by saying, "Since we paid your electric bill last month, we need to tighten our belts this month and can't afford to enjoy a visit from you." 

I agree with the others that your husband should be the one to speak on it. I'm not uncomfortable with conflict, so if he didn't want to, I would speak up myself. I know you don't want to do this, but I can tell you that if I spoke up, it would cause her to think twice before pulling these kinds of shenannigans again. The question is how your husband would respond when she complains to him about you!


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## Lilie_kat (Oct 3, 2012)

OMG WorkingOnMe!!! Very true... so very, very true. :nono:


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Oh mark my words when I say MY husband wouldn't want me talking to his mom about something like this. He would take care of it in his own way. I'm not as nice as he is... not that I'm a raving beotch either, but if I had these circumstances going on and my MIL was like this one, OH yes. It would be on like popcorn, and I wouldn't care one bit how she thought about me after. OR him for that matter. I'd make it clear that he should know better and stand up to his mother.


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## Lilie_kat (Oct 3, 2012)

Definitely helpful to post on here! This was my first time posting and I've received some really good advice and VALID points!! :smthumbup:


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Lilie_kat said:


> How can I be kind, yet stand my ground? This is just the bottom of the barrell on and I am starting to seriously DROWN!!! HELPPPPPP


Tell your husband (kindly) that if his mom wants to visit she will have to stay in a motel. She can put her dogs in a kennel. You will be happy to find the hotel and kennel and make arrangements for them.

Tell him also (kindly again) that if she shows up intending to stay with you, that you will not lift one finger, open one drawer, set out one dish, make one trip to the store, or do one load of wash for her if he and his mom cannot respect your wishes as the lady of your house. Additionally, depending on how this is received, if she doesn't stay in her motel, you will go stay in the motel and let him and his mom take care of themselves and the kids.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Tell your husband (kindly) that if his mom wants to visit she will have to stay in a motel. She can put her dogs in a kennel. You will be happy to find the hotel and kennel and make arrangements for them.
> 
> Tell him also (kindly again) that if she shows up intending to stay with you, that you will not lift one finger, open one drawer, set out one dish, make one trip to the store, or do one load of wash for her if he and his mom cannot respect your wishes as the lady of your house. Additionally, depending on how this is received, if she doesn't stay in her motel, you will go stay in the motel and let him and his mom take care of themselves and the kids.


I thought about saying something similar - that you'd offer to find a hotel. "So glad you recovered from your financial problems, mom!" and then decided not to because it probably isn't something the OP's husband would agree to, but I do think this is a great approach for getting the point across.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If your husband can't handle it, you better do it and here's why...

If you let her set the terms of a visit now, you will be setting the precedent for all future visits and the problem you have now will be revisited time and time again.

Stand firm now. As I said, if hubby won't/can't do it, you need to.

Also, as part of this, the terms of future visits need to be defined... hubby home, no dogs, x days maximum, etc...


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## Lilie_kat (Oct 3, 2012)

@ten_year_hubby - Good advice and I did think of the hotel/motel situation, but we have no extra $$ to flip the bill for this and definitely she doesn't. If I was able to go myself, I would, but I cannot leave my children under some of the concerns/conditions I already mentioned (her meds and dogs). 
@Chris_Taylor I have already tried to have this conversation with my husband and told him that if he wasn't going to discuss these matters with her, then I was. We'll see as this story unfolds... It's going to be a loooooong night!


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## Lilie_kat (Oct 3, 2012)

So ummmmm.... WWIII just about hit my house 30min ago. My husband came home 4 hours earlier than expected to tell me that she is *ON HER WAY HERE*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
:cussing::BoomSmilie_anim::FIREdevil:
Sorry guys, but looks like I won't be on here for awhile!!!


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Lilie_kat said:


> I cannot leave my children under some of the concerns/conditions I already mentioned (her meds and dogs).


She gives her own prescription drugs to your children?

At the very least, stand firm on the no pets rule. She brings her dogs, you say they can't stay anywhere on the property then suggest she tie them to the nearest street pole or the neighbor's fence. If she does so, secretly call Animal Control or police then invite her inside for drinks and a movie. Assuming the animals have tags, they'll be traced back to her and she'll be in a world of trouble. Problem solved


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