# Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)



## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi All - 

Is it too early to start dreading Valentine's Day?  Last year at this time, I was still with my H, although things were tense and he was talking of moving out, which had me in a state of anxiety. Even so, he gave me a lovely Valentine's Day card and took me out for a nice dinner. He moved out in early April, and in the beginning, I had more hope that this would be temporary, but he has not made any overtures toward reconciliation.

I've done my best to stick to the 180, so I do not initiate contact with him. However, I get conflicting advice on whether and how to respond when he asks to get together socially -- e.g. a movie, sports event, or dinner -- which he has done occasionally since the separation (more in the early months than the past several months). It is my understanding he does not want to be married any more and that he will be filing for divorce -- we have already divided our assets and have no kids so there is nothing standing the way. I have told him I won't try to prevent it, but I think he will be making a huge mistake if he files, and I am sad that he did not want to try harder to save the marriage. 

I know the best thing would be to just let V. Day pass, and send cards to family and friends. I did make plans to be out of the country, relaxing on a warm beach next week (yippeee!!!!) -- though it will be my first real vacation without my H 

But instead of doing nothing about V. Day (as I probably should have) just for the hell of it, I am having sent to him a collage photograph of images from our life together (made easily in 2 minutes on PicCollage app, and costs $2,00 to have made into a postcard and mailed). The message on the back just says, "Dear ___, I will always cherish all the great memories of the many good times we shared together. XOXO" 

I am prepared to take sh*t for this, but at this point I just feel like I have nothing to lose, and don't feel invested in his reaction, one way or the other. He was an important person in my life -- THE most important for a long time. Yes, my happiness does not depend on him or anything outside myself, but he is the love of my life and for me, being without him has been like learning to live without a limb. 

I would be interested in hearing what folks are doing for Valentine's Day, if you are going through separation or divorce. I know it is not the easiest holiday for the broken hearted, so I hope folks find ways to celebrate love in their lives -- love of family, friends and self, if not of an estranged spouse  

Cheers and best wishes, - A12


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## BRUNIC (Jan 21, 2013)

Well I'm in your shoes being the spouse who is against the separation/ divorce talk. I too have worked hard on the 180 concept, and I would say sending that post card would go against the principals of the program. I just left the home this last Wednesday, and I'm not looking forward to the upcoming holiday either. My plan is to treat is as any other day. If my W decides to make something of it I suppose I will consider what ever that may be. From a mans prospective I would highly suggest *not* sending that card.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Go out with friends...any single friends?

The women from work and myself are going out for drinks. Whatever.


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## MeToo! (Feb 2, 2013)

I agree with Brunic, don't send the card. It's been my experience some men are pretty stubborn once their mind is made up, put up a kind of shell.
My own husband hurts my feelings... I get quiet....then he goes around acting like the victim! He's a real piece of work & I've grown to dislike him immensely. He only thinks of himself, ALWAYS! But I'm stuck, 68y/o, no place to go.
My best to both of you (Brunic & Awakening 2012), start new lives! The best is yet to come!!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'll be at yoga valentines day evening. Not expecting anything from H. Not sure about the card, you know the situation best. Is your h feeling guilty? As this will trigger guilt in him and possible resentment towards ou. Having said that, it might be a nice idea, if sent without expecting anything from him in way of response. You will need to decide.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

So, my STBXW and I are in-house-separated since last May, when she asked to get divorced.

Two things about Valentine's Day for me this year...


I have been waiting for her and her lawyer to review the first draft of a marriage settlement I gave her to look over more than a month ago. If we don't hear from them by next week, my attorney is going to file the papers on Valentine's Day. (It was his idea... I like my lawyer. :smthumbup
My STBXW either has to get better at being sneaky, or she needs to move out. Cleaning house today, I stumbled upon the Valentine's present she bought for her new boyfriend... A T-shirt and a bottle of KY jelly.  Classy.


Pb.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Only gifts I'm buying for anyone are for my kids


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi Guys - 

Thank you for the kind responses. I fully realize sending the card was against the 180 but after 9 months, I have got ZERO results from the 180, so already I could not feel less connected to him. If receiving a card from his wife puts him over the edge to divorce me, so be it. At this point, I sense so little if any chance of R anyway, AND I have been completely respectful of his space all this time -- so I decided "what the hell"? I am not expecting anything from this gesture, but don't think it can hurt my standing with him or push him further away than he already is. 

Happy Valentine's Day! 

Cheers, - A12


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

Awakening2012 said:


> Hi Guys -
> 
> Thank you for the kind responses. I fully realize sending the card was against the 180 but after 9 months, I have got ZERO results from the 180, so already I could not feel less connected to him. If receiving a card from his wife puts him over the edge to divorce me, so be it. At this point, I sense so little if any chance of R anyway, AND I have been completely respectful of his space all this time -- so I decided "what the hell"? I am not expecting anything from this gesture, but don't think it can hurt my standing with him or push him further away than he already is.
> 
> ...


Does he deserve to receive such a thoughtful card from you? Will he even care or appreciate it? I've posted on here as being the one dumped - my husband left me. But lately I've been thinking about another relationship I had before my husband, in which I dumped him. When I was the dumper, no card would have change my mind, in fact it would have just annoyed me because I was already so done... it's just food for thought. But I know you'll do what you think is best. My friends have given me all sorts of great advice that I haven't listened to


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

I am not sure what the purpose of the card is? In my opinion it makes you look weak and that you are still pining for him.....is that really the message you want to send?


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

I hear you guys, and understand the down side of it -- but I don't care anymore if he knows I still care. It is the truth. Not that it makes any difference, but it will be exactly 8 years ago this Valentie's Day that he proposed to me. If it is a turn-off to send him a small tribute to our years together, then so be it. As I've said, the 180 has done nothing to help my situation, and at this point I feel he cannot pull further away than he already is. In any event, I will not be here on Valentine's Day, as I am jetting off (first class!) to an undisclosed beach location for a spa get away  

Cheers, - A12


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Well, last year he said 'oh I wasn't going to bother with Valentine's Day because we don't really believe in it do we' and then left two weeks later.

I'm not really that bothered about it to be honest, a card from a secret admirer might be awesome though


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I'm gonna get laid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm getting divorced in the morning, taking part in a worldwide dance mob protesting domestic violence and sexual assault in the afternoon and evening, taking myself out for a lovely dinner, then going to my striptease fitness class, after which my teacher is taking me out for drinks to celebrate my birthday which is the following Thursday.

Last year, Valentine's Day was the day that NearlyEx chose to tell me he was starting to date again. 

It's certainly not a romantic Valentine's Day. But it is a day I have taken control of, instead of letting it turn into a day that controls me. Even though I was the one who was dumped, I filed for the divorce, I'm doing something that's meaningful to me and honoring people I care about in the dance mob, and also doing something fun (dinner, STFC and drinks later). 

It may actually turn out to be one of the better V Day's I've had in the last several years. 

Maybe next year, I'll be able to say what old_timer said, too.


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> So, my STBXW and I are in-house-separated since last May, when she asked to get divorced.
> 
> Two things about Valentine's Day for me this year...
> 
> ...


I would squirt the KY all over that t_shirt...but thats just me 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Oh, I forgot that Valentine's Day was coming up. I think I'll buy myself a card and treat myself to a movie.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

my stbxh proposed on valentines day 36 years ago. My B-day is the next day. Now he is living with the OW and Im sure they have a romantic night planed. To me its not about the one night but the whole weekend Ill have a hard time with. We always go to eather vegas or atlantic city for the weekend closest to V-day. I could send that first card with his proposal written on it to remind him or pictures. It could make him feal guilty or regreatful but what for. Im pretty sure I could get him back if I wanted him even still. The question is why do you want this connection with someone that doesnt want it with you.... ? How long this time would you get a commitment even if it worked? You are desperate I understand that, I used to be and I sacraficed my self respect and 35 years of my life for a man that doesnt understand what real love is. As a matter of fact Im probably the closest thing he ever came to really loving anyone and thats the reason he stayed with me until I fianlly said enough. Let him go as hard as it is, you deserve someone that really loves you,


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Satya said:


> I'm not sure what I'll do. This will be my second one alone. I like to think of it as any other day, so I may just have some wine and watch a good film.


That'll make two of us, Satya, although my attorney is cautiously projecting finalization sometime near the end of the month.


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## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

See...as a hopeless romantic and someone new to the site..Im a husband who was left and I really dont think the male or female aspect matters as much as your position in the situation. I was planning to send my wife a V-Day card in spite of knowing that it might just end up in the trash or as a coaster, I just feel that I am at least doing my part to show her I still love her in spite of how she is treating me right now and I feel like the small gestures like this are what will one day come back to her. It just seems that you always miss the small things eventually...But, I could be wrong!!


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Awakening2012 said:


> I've done my best to stick to the 180, so I do not initiate contact with him. However, I get conflicting advice on whether and how to respond when he asks to get together socially -- e.g. a movie, sports event, or dinner -- which he has done occasionally since the separation (*more in the early months than the past several months*).


When he moved out, he probably needed to assure himself that he still had control of your heart, so he initiated social activities. Once he had the assurance, and felt confident that you were still on the hook, he began to ease away from the safety of the shoreline (so to speak) and venture out, needing you less and less.

Now, while he's swimming in the deep water, away from you, you still send out an occasional signal, assuring him that it's ok to keep going, you'll be there if he needs you; so he keeps swimming.

This Valentines day, you're manning the lighthouse, you're sending out a beacon of light, just in case he doesn't get your other signals, you're going to be sure he knows how to get home, and because of that, he's sure to swim farther out.

Failing the Valentines Day test is a sure sign that you aren't truly 180 degrees away from where your heart was a year ago.

The collage is nice, and I understand why you feel the need to do it, unfortunately, it's probably working more against you than for you; but I could be wrong about this.


As far as your question, "what folks are doing for Valentine's Day". For me, I first need to remember it's Valentines Day, once that happens, my very next thought is, I'm sure glad I'm not stressing about what to do for Valentines Day. I'm really not kidding about this. But I'm a guy, I know women are a little more emotional about it (I'm sure TAM won't let me forget it this year though).

_Note to men: You know you're over her when you feel relief that you're single on Valentines Day._


T


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## fandot78 (Feb 10, 2013)

Tony55 said:


> When he moved out, he probably needed to assure himself that he still had control of your heart, so he initiated social activities. Once he had the assurance, and felt confident that you were still on the hook, he began to ease away from the safety of the shoreline (so to speak) and venture out, needing you less and less.
> 
> Now, while he's swimming in the deep water, away from you, you still send out an occasional signal, assuring him that it's ok to keep going, you'll be there if he needs you; so he keeps swimming.
> 
> ...


The seashore/lighthouse metaphor is pretty deep


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

I'm going to the One Billion Rising event in our town, celebrating women and advocating for an end to violence against women. ****, though, I just realized my H doesn't work that night like I thought. Sure hope to hell he doesn't show up. The way things are in this town I'll probably see 10 people he knows more than me (we just moved here but he's really branched out, shall we say), and it'll probably pull at the heartstrings, but there's a bar at the even so I'll be fine as long as he's not there. I'll make sure of that.

Re: the card, etc, I decided after a month of separation to give my H the gift I've been working on for our whole relationship - I'd decided anyway to give it to him in the summer, for our anniversary in Dec, then when he announced it's over, I thought, I'll give it anyway. It's a deck of handmade tarot cards, it's a thing we shared form the early days and kind of lost a bit near the end. Who knows what could have come if I'd given them to him sooner? But whatever, if tarot cards would have saved the marriage that's saying something, right? But I didn't finish them (there are 72) in time for our anniversary, so I gave him some and said the rest are a work in progress, and I've been mailing him one or two every couple of weeks. SO not 180, I know. But like you, Awakening2012, I don't care. They were always meant for him, and if he burns of chucks them, all the more a reflection on his character of late (but I hope I never know that). It's sort of purging and cathartic to do the art, and send it off without expectation. If he feels guilty, well, he should. 

Happy V-Day. Love up the people you do have in your life. And send out some random-kindness kind of love, too, like some lovely folks did here last year - heart stickers on parking metres in town, which they put $$ into. I strung our red xmas lights up around our door in as close to a heart shape as possible. And my daughter and I are going to make heart shaped cookies. We can't let the exes takeover this one day. They don't deserve our love but there's still love out there (and in us) to be shared!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

lucy mulholland said:


> I'm going to the *One Billion Rising *event in our town, celebrating women and advocating for an end to violence against women. ****, though, I just realized my H doesn't work that night like I thought. Sure hope to hell he doesn't show up. The way things are in this town I'll probably see 10 people he knows more than me (we just moved here but he's really branched out, shall we say), and it'll probably pull at the heartstrings, but there's a bar at the even so I'll be fine as long as he's not there. I'll make sure of that.



Lucy!!! That's what I'm participating in, too!! In fact, I just returned from our first performance. It is an extremely powerful event. Don't let the possibility that your H could be there keep you from doing something you believe in. My STBXH is a photographer, and has done some event work in town. As I was getting ready tonight, I wondered if he'd be there taking photos. For a minute, I was kind of scared -- mainly that he'd laugh at me. Then I thought F*CK HIM. And I went. I'd like to see him get up and dance in front of a lot of people. It's easy to hide behind a camera. I don't know who he knows in town. But I'm not hiding, because I wasn't an abuser. I don't walk around advertising what happened in our marriage, but inside I know, and I hold my head high. You should, too.

What better day to get out there and protest against evil and for love!


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> So, my STBXW and I are in-house-separated since last May, when she asked to get divorced.
> 
> Two things about Valentine's Day for me this year...
> 
> ...


Pour half the ky out....buy odorless Ben Gay and add that...clean up the bottle like it wasn't touched. If it has one of those inner peel off lids just take it off completely...they may think it didn't come with one or may not even think twice about it...but yea...do this. :rofl: :FIREdevil::FIREdevil::FIREdevil:


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> So, my STBXW and I are in-house-separated since last May, when she asked to get divorced.
> 
> Two things about Valentine's Day for me this year...
> 
> ...


Another idea...add some liquid super glue to the ky...be sure NOT to get ANY on the sides or rim of the bottle. Buy the little liquid tubes of super glue and squirt that in the ky...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Satya said:


> My D was final end of last June. I have been at a slow creep to the point where I want to date again. My first will be next week but not on V day. If I have a spectacularly bad experience I don't want any reason to remember it for years to come


*My "forced trial-separation" was May, 2011.

*STBXW filed for "irreconcilable differences" divorce in November, 2011.

*She gave email notification of no reconciliation in March, 2012.

*Between March, 2012 and even until now, I discovered evidence that she was in two out-of-town affairs(EA/PA) as far back as 1 to 1-1/2 years prior to the actual separation. She still continues to have a relationship with one of them, as FB pics/posts shown to me by some of her "friends" indicate that they are together in NOLA celebrating Mardi Gras for the second straight year.

I anxiously await the gavel falling in the courtroom, because I would love to be able to date again. I just refuse to do it until such time that I'm legally single again, greatly out of respect for the institution of the marriage itself.

I feel, however, that my biggest obstacle will now be in learning to trust enough to love again! But maybe an old dog can be taught new tricks, after all!


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

I was the betrayed spouse. Its been one year almost. This valentines day I will be in a mountain cabin with a very fun girl. The ex will be at home, alone. Love it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Tony55, thanks so much for your thoughtful post. Your analogy makes sense and may be true. However, I have kept my distance, and given him all the space in the world, to no avail. I am not going to pretend not to still care for him -- so if sending up one last flare works to my detriment and triggers him to file for divorce 
(which he is probably intending to do anyway as far as I can tell).

doyoureallycare2 - From what I can tell, I think he still does care for me, possibly still loves me even -- but is comfortable staying shut off and shut down and fearful of going out of his comfort zone to try again, afraid of being vulnerable and opening his heart again. I respect his right to feel that way. But even if we are never getting back together, he was the love of my life and our years together meant the world to me. I know everyone thinks they had a special love, a unique love -- but ours was so epic, truly one for the story books for a good long while until everything fell apart. I wanted to pay tribute to that love and the beautiful parts of our story, and will accept the consequences if it only makes matters worse...because they can't be much worse right now, so let him divorce me if he truly thinks he is better off without me. 

I am not counting on any outcome from this -- just sending up a flare to celebrate the flame that was our love, even if it is now irrevocably extinguished.

Cheers, - A12


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Awakening2012 said:


> Tony55, thanks so much for your thoughtful post. Your analogy makes sense and may be true. However, I have kept my distance, and given him all the space in the world, to no avail. I am not going to pretend not to still care for him -- so if sending up one last flare works to my detriment and triggers him to file for divorce
> (which he is probably intending to do anyway as far as I can tell).
> 
> doyoureallycare2 - From what I can tell, I think he still does care for me, possibly still loves me even -- but is comfortable staying shut off and shut down and fearful of going out of his comfort zone to try again, afraid of being vulnerable and opening his heart again. I respect his right to feel that way. But even if we are never getting back together, he was the love of my life and our years together meant the world to me. I know everyone thinks they had a special love, a unique love -- but ours was so epic, truly one for the story books for a good long while until everything fell apart. I wanted to pay tribute to that love and the beautiful parts of our story, and will accept the consequences if it only makes matters worse...because they can't be much worse right now, so let him divorce me if he truly thinks he is better off without me.
> ...


A12--- I can appreciate your sentiments. Do what you need to do, but keep it. It's yours. It means more to you than him. Nothing good will come of you giving this to him, just more resentment, unforgiveness....but from you. You are only hurting yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

A12 -

I think I understand how you feel. 

My wife is out of the country on business. She has done pretty much everything a woman could possibly do to tell me it's over, I won't bore you with details. 

Yet today I had lunch with her mother and I actually asked her, what is the appropriate way to acknowledge Valentines Day with someone who told you they hated you and wanted a divorce?

Later when I was alone in the car, I hated myself so much for asking that question that I wanted to swallow a bath towel.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

OMG, Taylor Swift just killed it opening the Grammy's with a rousing rendition of "We Are Never (Ever) Getting Back Together" -- maybe I should listen to her


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Bullwinkle - I can totally relate, though I know my possibly soon to be ex (PSTBX) does not hate me. Interesting that you had lunch with your wife's Mum. What was her take on the situation? When is your wife coming back from travel, and what makes you think she "hates" you"?

I am watching the Grammys and Taylor Swift's "We Are Never (Ever) Getting Back Together" was shortly followed by the awesome band Fun.'s "Carry On" -- great messaging for me, as I depart on a much needed beach spa vacay tomorrow...

Cheers, - A12


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

I've got the Grammys on too. WS always watched it (boo hoo, woe is me....)

W is out of the country on business. She asked her mother to come stay at our house (I'm in awful apt) to watch our two year old daughter while she is traveling. Bizarre arrangement. So today I offered to take the two of them to Nordies and then to lunch.

MIL nice enough but her perspective is marriage is probably over because I didn't "trust" my wife throughout. I am old school insofar as I am uncomfortable with W having cozy relationships with male co workers and especially her boss. Long calls to boss on Sundays, of course when D and I are at the park. MIL says, they are colleagues! They need to get caught up because their schedules were too busy during week. I say, B.S., it's not about trust, I find some guy calling my house every Sunday for weeks and chatting for an hour, invasive, insulting, disrespectful. I told MIL what I should have done was drive downtown, knocked this doofus' teeth out, then call HIS wife, see how he likes it. One example. I also don't like guys calling my W up and asking her out for drinks after work. What a Philisine I am.

W told me she hated me before she left on trip. That I was never moving back home. She needs time to "find herself". 

Sorry for long response. Venting.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi Bullwinkle - 

Sounds to me like you did not want to be stomped on and tried your best to make healthy boundaris. Imagine how much worse you would feel letting her walk all over you! I hope it will all sort out to your favor, and good on you keeping the focus on the kids and being the great Dad they need and deserve. 

Figures, the next Grammys song up was the fantastic Mumford and Sons "I will Wait for You": Mumford & Sons - I Will Wait on Vimeo

Arggghhh!

I am in DC if you should wish to get togetehr fro coffee and commiserating when I'm back from the Carribbean next week!

Cheers, - A12


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

A12 -

Thanks for your take on it. I find your posts very thoughtful. Goota love Mumford. 

Seems to me most of the posts I read here are from men whose wives have left for the Fancy Man, leaving devastated husband home with kids. My view of that is, hey, at least you're home. At least you have your children. I'm gonna start a blog for poor saps living alone in awful studio apts, eating Chinese food off paper plates. 

Send the damned Valentine. Have fun in the sun, remember, SPF 50. And sure to coffee when you get back. 

BW


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

So for those that are separated - with no official word of divorce or reconciliation - doing for their spouses? 

I do not know if my husband is doing/getting me anything...he will be here Wed and Fri but not Thu.....and i do not not want to have SOMETHING for him just in case he does get me something....

But clearly I do not want to get anything "too" romantic or lovey dovey....

What to do what to do?!?!?!?!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

We didn't do anything for each other when we were still living together during our separation and 'working on it.' Our wedding anniversary is(was) in January, and rather than celebrate it like a regular anniversary (it was our 10th), we just went to lunch together and took a class together at our local arts center. Spent time, but not romantic. That was rather tense and awkward, as it turned out, so we didn't do anything for V Day. We still helped our son put together Valentine's from him to each of us, but that was it. It was very sad for me, as I realized that the Valentine's Day the previous year could very well be the last one ever. But in the end, I'm glad I didn't do something for him. I'd done many, many things to show him how I felt every other day. And he was already showing me that he wasn't reaching back in the other direction. It would have just been another in a long line of rejections. If you want to have something in the wings just in case, I suppose that's OK. But I wouldn't offer it first, and I'd keep the receipt so that you can take it back and use the money to get yourself something if it doesn't work out.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Unless one of the females I speak with brings something up. I'll be spending it at home, with my son, happy as a clam.


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

Thanks Angel! That is kind of what I was thinking I will NOT give him anything first...I have been doing a lot of giving emotionally as it is at this time....so I cannot handle any more rejection than I am already getting! 

I will probably just get his favorite candy -- that way I can just drown myself in them when he gets me nothing.......


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

Not sure you should take advice from me. But I like your idea. If nothing else it might act as loving closure for yourself. You loved him. There may always be a part of you that does. I don't think people who have loved each other but decided to part have to stop expressing love.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Bullwinkle said:


> A12 -
> 
> Thanks for your take on it. I find your posts very thoughtful. Goota love Mumford.
> 
> ...


Usually what makes the home is the family and if you lost a vital part of that it doesnt feel like a home anymore, however you do paint a grim picture with the eating chinese food off of paper plates. I read somewhere of a group of divorced people helping each other out in their community, people pooling their abilitys together. I wish I could find something like that around me. I would be glad to cook some meals for some one that was good with finances and could help me draw up a budget. That type of thing.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

That's a terrific idea
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

A12 -

I hope you're on the beach with a drink with a little parasol.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

The new Die Hard movie is coming out on Vday. I might go watch that, after filing my final divorce papers and dropping off D6 at her mom's. 

I'm not getting her anything, but I will get something for my daughter. 

I wonder if the cute sandwich maker at Subway likes Die Hard? Hmm. Would like to take her out but don't want to do too much as it'd be a first date.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Think I'll order takeout and watch a great movie. Good enough for me! I know I will not spend the day pining away for my cheating, lying STBXH to contact me or give me something for V day. 

No way!


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

So... It looks like I could have a date, if I wanted to. I'm honestly not really sure if I want to.

She billed it as hanging out with friends to support a friend who just broke up with her boyfriend, but STBXW will be going out with her new boyfriend that night and will probably be out late.

Though they're certainly old enough to take care of themselves, I'm not terribly keen on leaving the kids home alone all night on a school night. Maybe I'll take them out to see a movie or something.


Pb.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> So... It looks like I could have a date, if I wanted to. I'm honestly not really sure if I want to.
> 
> She billed it as hanging out with friends to support a friend who just broke up with her boyfriend, but STBXW will be going out with her new boyfriend that night and will probably be out late.
> 
> ...



Just my opinion but I think you should do it, as long as it’s a group of people. I know I wouldn’t want to go on a "date" but if you can say it’s like a "support" group going out to have some fun on V day, than why not right?


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

doureallycare2 said:


> Just my opinion but I think you should do it, as long as it’s a group of people.


It's not a group of people. It's one woman.


Pb.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Oh I thought the "hanging out with friends" meant you were going someplace as a group. I've been invited to a Blues club, and I have a feeling this type of Blues isnt my thing (I prefer Joe ****er type of Blues) But Ill go and enjoy the company and try and enjoy the music.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

doureallycare2 said:


> Oh I thought the "hanging out with friends" meant you were going someplace as a group.


Oh! that was referring to the date my STBXW had lined up... She's calling it "hanging out with friends", but she's really just going to go hook up with her new boyfriend.



doureallycare2 said:


> I've been invited to a Blues club, and I have a feeling this type of Blues isnt my thing (I prefer Joe ****er type of Blues) But Ill go and enjoy the company and try and enjoy the music.


Nice. I love the blues. There's a couple of good blues clubs around here, but I haven't been to any of them in a long time.


Pb.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

I used to spend a couple of hundred dollars every valentine's-to hell with it more money to spend on me.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Looks like Valentine's is going to be a night of rollerskating, mini-putt-putt and pizza for me and my daughter.

:smthumbup:


Pb.


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## heartbrokephobia (Jan 8, 2013)

I want so badly to send her flowers but I can't predict if it will do more harm than good. The way I see it, I have filed for D and I have tried to lovingly let go of her. So if I don't send her flowers will it make things worse between us? In the past it was our day that we celebrated our love together. She has already told me that the love that is required for her to stay my wife is not there and she feels that we are doing the right thing with going through the D. 

If I do send her flowers then maybe she will see that I do still care about our marriage and she will reach out to her "needy" STBXH. Since I sent the email (a little over a week ago) I have not heard anything from her. Do I want to? Yes I do! Right now I don't see any hope for R but I really would like to. I think I destroyed my chances of R with the D, I just keep second guessing my actions. I did stand up for myself but I think I have made the situation worse!?


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

heartbrokephobia said:


> I want so badly to send her flowers but I can't predict if it will do more harm than good. The way I see it, I have filed for D and I have tried to lovingly let go of her. So if I don't send her flowers will it make things worse between us? In the past it was our day that we celebrated our love together. She has already told me that the love that is required for her to stay my wife is not there and she feels that we are doing the right thing with going through the D.
> 
> If I do send her flowers then maybe she will see that I do still care about our marriage and she will reach out to her "needy" STBXH. Since I sent the email (a little over a week ago) I have not heard anything from her. Do I want to? Yes I do! Right now I don't see any hope for R but I really would like to. I think I destroyed my chances of R with the D, I just keep second guessing my actions. I did stand up for myself but I think I have made the situation worse!?


Divorce is forever only to those who make it so. I am sorry you are going what you are going through. My advice? Do what you feel is right. Just dont do it because you are a wimp. 

Do it because on paper like it or not she is your wife. Love has nothing to do with that legal attachment. If you have feeling for it, admit it, but be firm in saying that you can't tolerate someone who mistreats your love, with no love at all.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

I'm taking my chubby, bald, 7-month old Valentine to Build-a-Bear, so we can get him a new crib mate. Then, we're going home. I'll have pasta and Riesling and he'll have squash and bananas.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> I'm taking my chubby, bald, 7-month old Valentine to Build-a-Bear, so we can get him a new crib mate. Then, we're going home. I'll have pasta and Riesling and he'll have squash and bananas.


Sounds like a perfect date to me!


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Grilling steaks for a friend...

and getting laid. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Picking my kids up some Valentines Day sweets for tomorrow and just enjoy the evening with them.

Last night both kids filled out there own cards for school and daycare it was rather impressive. My S4 was able to copy what I wrote... at the age of 4! Mastered his own name. My D6 did it all without help, very proud.

I also helped them pick out a card for mom, they will see her tonight.

This evening I will be baking a massive amount of heart cookies for D6 classroom and S4 daycare.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

I don't know what to do to be honest. I was never into V-day to begin with. But "H" and I are talking and he wants to work on marriage. I'm not sure if therapy will save our marriage, but I don't want look back and say "I should have tried harder." So it's complicated. 

I'm out of the country visiting my dad who isn't well due to worry and stress (for me). So I don't necessarily HAVE to worry about V-day. But in the interest of us "working things out," I feel some pressure to try and be thoughtful about the day. 

Or I'm just overthinking the process.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Fix myself something rather nice to eat, crack open a bottle of







*Messina Hof White Zinfindel*, and hopefully not be subjected to see any recent online pics of STBXW and her lardass BF fastly snuggled up to each other!

The good news is that my attorney is all but projecting finalization of our D by February 28th, which coincidently happens to be STBXW's B-Day!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I just got an email that Redbox sent out with a code for a free movie rental, good thru 11:59 PM CST, 2/14/13. Code is SWEET. In case anyone needs a movie tomorrow.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

My cousin just called and invited me out to dinner with her and her family; they want to treat me because my B-day is the next day. I said don’t you and your husband want to do something alone and she said they were going to over the weekend but she has another friend also that just broke up and they just kind of wanted to make a lite-hearted party with the kids and some friends that mean a lot to them. I think it was really touching...


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)




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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Yes, I am -- thank you! It is just what the doctor ordered -- perfection in paradise! Wish I could beam everyone needing a luxe escape to this gorgeous place! Cheers, A12


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

there's something at the house he wants back...I'm going to take it out to the fire pit...and start it on fire for Valentines Day tomorrow...

after court.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

does this place upload videos or just pics?


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

I hope it's grand, A12. Cabana boys fluffing your pillow, the pool where you swim up to the bar.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> My STBXW either has to get better at being sneaky, or she needs to move out. Cleaning house today, I stumbled upon the Valentine's present she bought for her new boyfriend... A T-shirt and a bottle of KY jelly.  Classy.


Oh boy. I just found out that the T-shirt and lube are only half the present she got for him...

She also got an IUD. :redcard:


Pb.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> Oh boy. I just found out that the T-shirt and lube are only half the present she got for him...
> 
> She also got an IUD. :redcard:
> 
> ...


OMG ...I got ideas for that one... grab a rubber band...a paper clip and use it for a mini sling shot!


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> OMG ...I got ideas for that one... grab a rubber band...a paper clip and use it for a mini sling shot!


I'd have to get it out of her first... :moon:  :bringiton:


Pb.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

ahahaha


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> does this place upload videos or just pics?


Why? You gonna do a little dance by the fire and film it for us lonely boys?


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> Oh boy. I just found out that the T-shirt and lube are only half the present she got for him...
> 
> She also got an IUD. :redcard:
> 
> ...


Was she kind enough to use your insurance to have it "installed"?


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Was she kind enough to use your insurance to have it "installed"?


Hah! I guess you didn't hear that one... The family is on her company's life insurance (cheaper premiums than mine). Last fall she removed me from her medical benefits plan and then didn't tell me until after open enrollment was already over. I was lucky and got to sign up late, but I didn't have health insurance for the whole month of January.

She didn't even tell me. Said she was going to the doctor for a physical and a tetanus booster. I figured she was probably going for some sort of birth control... She hasn't been to the doctor for anything in nearly 10 years.


Pb.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Ahh it's installed. Thought of that after I wrote my idea...dam. Does make it more difficult...but not impossible...


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> Hah! I guess you didn't hear that one... The family is on her company's life insurance (cheaper premiums than mine). Last fall she removed me from her medical benefits plan and then didn't tell me until after open enrollment was already over. I was lucky and got to sign up late, but I didn't have health insurance for the whole month of January.
> 
> She didn't even tell me. Said she was going to the doctor for a physical and a tetanus booster. I figured she was probably going for some sort of birth control... She hasn't been to the doctor for anything in nearly 10 years.
> 
> ...


Quite the princess you have, there.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Maybe she'll get VD on VD -- the gift that keeps on giving.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Maybe she'll get VD on VD -- the gift that keeps on giving.


Lmao. I'm trying to eat dinner and you got me almost choking over here. Too funny!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SpunkySpunky (Dec 17, 2012)

I'll probably be on here tomorrow, but I am taking myself out on a date first 

Ima get all dolled up, just for me, and take me out for a drink and maybe see the new Die Hard movie.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

SpunkySpunky said:


> I'll probably be on here tomorrow, but I am taking myself out on a date first
> 
> Ima get all dolled up, just for me, and take me out for a drink and maybe see the new Die Hard movie.


Copycat! That's what I'm doing (well, minus getting dolled up). 

Too bad you're way over there... I'd treat ya.


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## SpunkySpunky (Dec 17, 2012)

zillard said:


> Copycat! That's what I'm doing (well, minus getting dolled up).
> 
> Too bad you're way over there... I'd treat ya.


Well that would be mighty nice of ya


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## Finding Nemo (Oct 30, 2012)

I am probably going to get a lecture and a half once my husband stops being shocked...possibly embarrassed if he opens the email I sent to him in front of people. For those that have read my story, you know there is restraining order that means I have limited contact with my husband till my husband decides if he wants to come home or not. Then we can ask the judge to allow him to come home while we work on things. We get to talk on the phone and email and see each other we he visits our daughter. We just cant live in the same house for a while. My husband says he still loves me. He hasnt said he wants a divorce yet so I hope thats a good sign? I got to see my husband this afternoon when he dropped off our daughter. So I asked him if it would be okay if I gave him a Valentine. He said it would be kind of weird under our circumstances but he would accept it if I gave him one. Well, he got one alright. Let's see how much he still loves me when he gets over the shock. I had written up a steamy poem and took some photos of me in lingerie he bought but never saw worn. I had that and a generic I love you kind of thing I was debating. I had decided to go with the generic, but fate played its hand and sent the steamy email instead. I can only imagine the shock on his face when he sees it. I know I am in shock I even considering it as an option. I wont be getting anything else other than the lecture sad to say.  Holidays sure suck when you are questioning what your future is going to hold.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Finding Nemo said:


> I am probably going to get a lecture and a half once my husband stops being shocked...possibly embarrassed if he opens the email I sent to him in front of people. For those that have read my story, you know there is restraining order that means I have limited contact with my husband till my husband decides if he wants to come home or not. Then we can ask the judge to allow him to come home while we work on things. We get to talk on the phone and email and see each other we he visits our daughter. We just cant live in the same house for a while. My husband says he still loves me. He hasnt said he wants a divorce yet so I hope thats a good sign? I got to see my husband this afternoon when he dropped off our daughter. So I asked him if it would be okay if I gave him a Valentine. He said it would be kind of weird under our circumstances but he would accept it if I gave him one. Well, he got one alright. Let's see how much he still loves me when he gets over the shock. I had written up a steamy poem and took some photos of me in lingerie he bought but never saw worn. I had that and a generic I love you kind of thing I was debating. I had decided to go with the generic, but fate played its hand and sent the steamy email instead. I can only imagine the shock on his face when he sees it. I know I am in shock I even considering it as an option. I wont be getting anything else other than the lecture sad to say.  Holidays sure suck when you are questioning what your future is going to hold.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Aww.. I don’t even know what to say... My reaction is that I feel really sorry for your desperation and grief, maybe that will be his reaction also.


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

Finding Nemo that was pretty ballsy...what do you hope to achieve with that? And why is there a restraining order if you are trying to fix things?!?! 

Question...my husband was here last night...he did bring a box of candy and a generic happy vday card...we have beent separated about 3.5 weeks...he is not reaching out to me too much..but when he is here visiting our D we have had some great interaction (not talking about us - but just fun together)...I have no clue if he wants a D or a R...he asked to give him 30 days to see how things go....

I said I was going to do a soft no contact...no texting calling etc...but feel like I should send a quick Happy Vday text...no I love yous or anything...just a hey have a great vday...or something like that...

What do you think...bad idea? I do not want to look like I am chasing or anything, but want him to know he is thought of....

I guess i was hoping I would get a text.....but I guess that is not happening.... :-(


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

stella moon said:


> ahh it's installed. Thought of that after i wrote my idea...dam. Does make it more difficult...but not impossible...


lmao>>>>>


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Maybe she'll get VD on VD -- the gift that keeps on giving.


I don't about VD, but she was complaining about catching a cold this morning... That'll be romantic. 

But now that you mention it, it might not be a bad idea to schedule my own physical and get STD tested while I'm at it... Just to be certain.


Pb.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

I don't plan on this day being any different than yesterday for me. I'm going to go to work, come home and fix dinner, work out, and probably watch a sports game. I'll probably start packing for my upcoming vacation. I'm heading to Hawaii in 2 days which is bitter sweet for me. It's a work sales trip reward my company offers every year for hitting a certain quota. The only other trip to Hawaii I've been on was 2 years ago for this reward with my ex wife (you can bring a guest). This year I'm bringing a friend of mine, although I'll probably be one of the only ppl there without a sig other with me.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Happy V-day TAM. It's great to be part of such a caring community. It's too bad we couldn't meet each other under better circumstances. It's been uplifting to find people here going through exactly the same situation.


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## Jack spade (Dec 29, 2012)

Finding Nemo said:


> I am probably going to get a lecture and a half once my husband stops being shocked...possibly embarrassed if he opens the email I sent to him in front of people. For those that have read my story, you know there is restraining order that means I have limited contact with my husband till my husband decides if he wants to come home or not. Then we can ask the judge to allow him to come home while we work on things. We get to talk on the phone and email and see each other we he visits our daughter. We just cant live in the same house for a while. My husband says he still loves me. He hasnt said he wants a divorce yet so I hope thats a good sign? I got to see my husband this afternoon when he dropped off our daughter. So I asked him if it would be okay if I gave him a Valentine. He said it would be kind of weird under our circumstances but he would accept it if I gave him one. Well, he got one alright. Let's see how much he still loves me when he gets over the shock. I had written up a steamy poem and took some photos of me in lingerie he bought but never saw worn. I had that and a generic I love you kind of thing I was debating. I had decided to go with the generic, but fate played its hand and sent the steamy email instead. I can only imagine the shock on his face when he sees it. I know I am in shock I even considering it as an option. I wont be getting anything else other than the lecture sad to say.  Holidays sure suck when you are questioning what your future is going to hold.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nemo - I can understand your dilemma. You want to let him know that you still care without seeming to chase or appear needy. I struggle with that too.

My wife (STBXW) is a control freak and I have realized that I have allowed my decision making process to be guided by what her reaction would be to the outcome probably because of my nice guy, people pleaser tendencies. I am trying to break free of that as part of my 180. Don't know if my advice is any good but I think you have to do what you want to do without fear of his reaction. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Ugh... Trying not to let my thoughts get away from me... I think I said previously how we always went away for the weekend of valentines because my b-day is the 15th. Well my stbxh texted me yesterday about his paying my car payment on Friday and I thought that was odd why tell me on Wednesday about Friday.. is it because he doesn’t want to contact me on my birthday...? doesn’t sound like him, he bothers me all the other time... anyways I rec'd a faxed copy of our tax return this morning that we both have to approve so I sent him a text reply about the payment and added that the tax return looked good and I haven’t gotten a response back... Now I’m jumping all over the place... Thinking "THEY" went away on OUR weekend... first of all why would they... its not her b-day tomorrow? If they were going away I’m sure they would leave tomorrow....He could just be in a meeting or something...Its not "our" anything anymore... but my heart and depression are telling me he took her away and thats my spot..... see how easy it is to go down the dark path... ugh..


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

doureallycare2 said:


> Ugh... Trying not to let my thoughts get away from me... I think I said previously how we always went away for the weekend of valentines because my b-day is the 15th. Well my stbxh texted me yesterday about his paying my car payment on Friday and I thought that was odd why tell me on Wednesday about Friday.. is it because he doesn’t want to contact me on my birthday...? doesn’t sound like him, he bothers me all the other time... anyways I rec'd a faxed copy of our tax return this morning that we both have to approve so I sent him a text reply about the payment and added that the tax return looked good and I haven’t gotten a response back... Now I’m jumping all over the place... Thinking "THEY" went away on OUR weekend... first of all why would they... its not her b-day tomorrow? If they were going away I’m sure they would leave tomorrow....He could just be in a meeting or something...Its not "our" anything anymore... but my heart and depression are telling me he took her away and thats my spot..... see how easy it is to go down the dark path... ugh..


Hang in there! Stupid Valentine's Day brings up some funky emotions, that's for sure!


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

I'm not sure why I care. For 8 years, neither I or my STBXW (separated 1.5 months) cared about V-Day. We'd usually go carry out from a nice place, come home and watch a movie in. Always wanted to avoid the crowds, and we both treated it like the hallmark holiday it is.

But today she'll be spending it with her OM. He'll send her flowers at work, or show up with them tonight, and she'll talk about how her crappy exH never did that. They'll probably go out to a fancy place, and she'll complain that her ex never took her out on V-Day. Forget that she was always happy not doing this stuff - she's whitewashed me/us so badly that I'll just be the villain. And he'll act sympathetic and talk about how terrible that is, and how I didn't appreciate her, and then he'll go get laid.

...**** this day.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

rsersen said:


> But today she'll be spending it with her OM. He'll send her flowers at work, or show up with them tonight, and she'll talk about how her crappy exH never did that. They'll probably go out to a fancy place, and she'll complain that her ex never took her out on V-Day. Forget that she was always happy not doing this stuff - she's whitewashed me/us so badly that I'll just be the villain. And he'll act sympathetic and talk about how terrible that is, and how I didn't appreciate her, and then he'll go get laid.
> 
> ...**** this day.


 I didn't think it that far through, but basically those are some of the thoughts I was thinking. Just the thought of her giving gifts and being all lovey dovey with this guy who ruined broke up our marriage makes me cringe.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Ya well I have the beginnings of divorce court today...I should just stand up and flash everyone my t*ts and walk out with a Happy Valentines Day fk all of you!...see ya...

I don't want to go...I don't want to be there there...I don't want to see him...I don't want to do this. Just makes me dam sick.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> Ya well I have the beginnings of divorce court today...I should just stand up and flash everyone my t*ts and walk out with a Happy Valentines Day fk all of you!...see ya...
> 
> I don't want to go...I don't want to be there there...I don't want to see him...I don't want to do this. Just makes me dam sick.



You CAN do this Stella. Once its over, its over.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Well hopefully it will come and go quickly for you Stella. Makes it worse its on Valentines. Ughh. I can only try to imagine.

As far as what you might do in the courthouse. What courthouse is that and what time?


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

rsersen said:


> But today she'll be spending it with her OM. He'll send her flowers at work, or show up with them tonight, and she'll talk about how her crappy exH never did that. They'll probably go out to a fancy place, and she'll complain that her ex never took her out on V-Day. Forget that she was always happy not doing this stuff - she's whitewashed me/us so badly that I'll just be the villain. And he'll act sympathetic and talk about how terrible that is, and how I didn't appreciate her, and then he'll go get laid.
> 
> ...**** this day.


OR...... Let’s write it a different way... He forgot to send her flowers and she thought for sure he would because she has been painting such an awful picture of you, but NO he's the moron he is and didn’t take the hint, which made her angry. She therefore took her time getting ready for the night out and he made reservations at a swanky place that he wanted to be prompt for to show her he was better than her stbxh. But because of being over 45 min late the reservation ended up being cancelled by the restaurant. This put the OM is a terrible mood and your stbxw was already being moody so pretty soon an argument started about how each of them are uncaring about the others feelings doors get slammed, breaks get squealed and there is no sex, at least with each other!!


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

doureallycare2 said:


> OR...... Let’s write it a different way... He forgot to send her flowers and she thought for sure he would because she has been painting such an awful picture of you, but NO he's the moron he is and didn’t take the hint, which made her angry. She therefore took her time getting ready for the night out and he made reservations at a swanky place that he wanted to be prompt for to show her he was better than her stbxh. But because of being over 45 min late the reservation ended up being cancelled by the restaurant. This put the OM is a terrible mood and your stbxw was already being moody so pretty soon an argument started about how each of them are uncaring about the others feelings doors get slammed, breaks get squealed and there is no sex, at least with each other!!


I like your ending a lot better! And knowing her, probably more likely :rofl::rofl:


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Ahh me a glass of water and TAM.

I'm having a Rock and roll VDay here.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Just made dinner, bathed the kids, read them a few stories then put them to bed.

Go out and grab myself a few beers then I think I'm going to play all 8 disks of Anthony De Mello while I write more. Been far too long since I listened to his workshop.

My sons daycare director did come give me a big hug and kiss on the cheek for the cookies.

(I never tell them I'm bringing them).

Probably the most legitimate Valentines Day kiss I've had in years. It was great. Lol.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Stella I hope your day went well. 

So, here I am. With my son, a couple of bachelors enjoying an evening in our bachelor pad. 









Currently watching Charlie Brown Valentine. Good times...good times.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

hope4family said:


> Stella I hope your day went well.
> 
> So, here I am. With my son, a couple of bachelors enjoying an evening in our bachelor pad.
> 
> ...


Pretty cool evening, hope
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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