# Marriage is suffering - need help please



## feelingempty (Dec 13, 2012)

I don't know how this works, I am new to this. I will try to be brief and I hope someone will respond with advice. Between both of us working full time jobs, 2 elementary aged kids - my marriage has turned into just taking care of the home/family. He travels quite a bit, so I spend a lot of my time taking care of the kids, shuttling them around, doing homework, laundry etc etc after coming home from work. We are both guilty of putting everything else before our relationship. We don't go out alone, we prefer to be with our kids. We have so many "chores" and other house stuff to do when he is in town, that we focus on that instead of investing in our relationship. Here's the part that scares me. We've been married for 13 years. 4 years ago, I had an affair. I told him everything. Never spoke to that guy again - but it scares me. I did it because I was lacking something in my marriage and I don't want to repeat that. His way of dealing with it was to ignore it. I went to counseling - alone. He and I both want things to work for our kids sake so we moved on. Things have been fine since then. Fast forward to today. He's travelling more again. I still feel like we need to invest in our relationship. I am not satisfied. We don't connect...this is exactly how it started 4 years ago. Affairs happen when there is a hole in the marriage and someone else can easily slide in and begin to fill it - leaving no need to repair the issues at home. I don't want that. I want to connect with him, not with anyone else. I want to feel valued, not taken for granted that I am capable of running the home while he is away. I want to feel like I matter as a wife, not just as a mom. And I certainly don't want to connect emotionally to anyone else - that won't get my marriage anywhere. And yes, I have tried telling him but it's not working. Please, any advice you can offer...thank you.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I know this seems silly but how is your sex life?

Men tend to feel loved when you have sex with them. Don't downplay this

Also, I am willing to bet he's still reeling from your affair 4 years ago. That betrayl cut deep and holding it together for the kids is not the answer. He has to decide if he still wantsst to be married to you FOR YOU, not the kids.

He is in desperate need of counseling and you should continue yours.

Perhaps a conversation along the lines of "Honey, you know that I love you and I made a horrible mistake years ago and I feel as though you've never gotten past it or forgiven me. While I know you can't forget this ultimate betrayl of your trust, I want you to know that i have been trying to earn back some of your trust these past 4 years."

"I know that I want to spend the rest of my life loving you and being your wife and the mom to our kids but I need to know that you feel the same way. I feel as though we don't spend enough time connecting as a husband and wife should and I miss that and I need that. I want to make our marriage as good as possible but I can't do it without your help. I am hoping that you will find it in your heart to find time in your busy schedule for the two of us to attend counseling together so we can try and make a new and better marriage. I know I made a horrible mistake by discarding our marriage 4 years ago and I know I hurt you deeply and if you'll go to counseling with me I promise to do everything I can to make that up to you and be the best wife I possibly can be. Please say you'll try. For us."


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## feelingempty (Dec 13, 2012)

Thank you so much for responding. Its decent. It's semi-frequent but we try to make time. The frequency suffers a bit due to his travel schedule and to be perfectly honest, I am often exhausted, tired and sometimes prefer to have alone time..
What you wrote is very helpful, I will ask him to try counseling. But here's my dilemma, I think I am the problem and not him. Maybe I don't deserve his time and attention anymore. Maybe I am expecting too much. But I hate co-existing. I don't like living like teammates. I want to feel something more. I realize marriage isn't always going to be hot, passionate and magical but all it is right now is one family task after another.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Remember that the only one you can change is you.

What can you do to make the marriage more hot and passionate? Maybe arrange for the kids to be gone one evening when he's at home and spice things up a bit?

Your kids are still young and while they do require alot of attention from both of you, it's important to put your relationship with your husband first. Many pareants make the mistake of considering the kids their first priority. What can happen then is that as the kids get older and the spouses drift apart, it becomes painfully obvious that what they had in common was the kids.

You deserve his time. He deserves your time. You guys need counseling and you need to talk to each other.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think you need to be a little more aggressive in managing the family's time. You have to MAKE time for one on one. Whether he wants it or not. Line up a babysitter at least once a month and TAKE him on that date. Don't take no for an answer. Men often expect their women to tell them what to do...so do it! 

You also need to spice up the bedroom, so he feels more involved. I recommend this book; if you could line up grandparents to take the kids over night, give him one of the invitations in it, in the morning, and let him think about it all day; that night, do what the instructions that go with the invitation call for, and wait for him. It's worth the investment in the book, I promise.
52 Invitations To Grrreat Sex: It All Begins with a Lick: Laura Corn: 9780974259918: Amazon.com: Books


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

You had an affair. I would have forgiven you but also divorced you. 

If he has given you the gift of forgiveness and has not divorced you you are very very lucky. Divorce would have cost you and your children more than you can imagine. He spared you that in a big way. Be grateful everyday for such a good man. 

Suck it up and be a good wife and know that he loves you through the actions of his mentioned above. If you feel like cheating again at least do him the courtesy of ending the marriage first. 

Having children and raising them is a big responsibility and yes we all get overwhelmed. He works out of town a lot. Would you rather he didn't have a job? 

Your post upsets me and I can no longer write anymore without losing perspective and calling you out on your self centered and selfish behavior.


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## 32888 (Oct 20, 2012)

We went through a lot of the same,short of an affair.My wife was putting so much energy and time into the kids ,I stepped back and didn't put any of my needs forward.Looking back it has been a pretty miserable marriage ,14 yrs.But we had a long very emotional talk and brought out a lot of grievances that built so much resentment between us.this was only about 2 months or so ago but things are SO much better already.Did the counseling ,helped some but the biggest thing was open communication.
Our sex life is off the charts now:smthumbup: vs 1 or 2 time a month before.We learned a lot about each other with the 5 languages of love test. She needed help,I needed touch.We never knew.
You can get through this IF you can get him to open up,may not be pretty but it needs to come out.Don't let it fester.It will cause so much resentment ,like an acid it will eat your marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Aside from learning the Love Languages, it's also very helpful to fill out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires (marriagebuilders.com).


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It's going to sound simple but it isn't. Make time for each other every day - 30 minutes or more to actually sit and talk to each other. No tv, no phones, no computer. Just talk. 

I can tell you from experience, you start to take each other for granted, stop spending one on one time together and before you know it you do drift apart, each one feeling lonely and isolated.

Then, make sure to schedule time to go out and do stuff - 1 a week or so. It doesn't have to be all day or all night, just a few hours. Find something fun. Go ice skating, take a walk around a local touristy place. 

Treat each other like you're dating again. Send little texts during the day saying I love you I'm thinking of you, anything.


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## feelingempty (Dec 13, 2012)

Thank you all so much. Each one of you have given me some much needed strength to take some steps. This website has been very helpful in opening my eyes to how much worse it could be.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You need to find gratitude.

Grateful that you have a husband who works hard for his family. Yes, him traveling is hard on you, but think about having a life working full time with children as a single Mother. You would have to do everything.

You are probably overwhelmed & stressed out. This is not your husband's fault. Working full time with children is HARD for all Mothers.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Make your H a priority. If you are exhausted from working and shuttling the kids to extra-curricular activities, then cut down the extra-curriculars. Your kids do not NEED to be involved in everything that interests them...real life as an adult doesn't work like that! Let them choose ONE activity and they stick with that one for the entire school year. That's it. They won't die because they don't get to do 3-4 things every year.

When your H is HOME, make time with him THE priority! Make an actual ON-A-PIECE-OF-PAPER chart for the weekends when he is home. First box you fill in is Husband/wife time. Then fill in family time. Then fill in bedtimes (to sleep). Then fill in the other cr*p...because that's what it actually is, cr*p! In 10 years will it MATTER that you didn't get the garage painted THIS FALL, or the new plantings done in the front yard, or the basement finished, or anything else? No! It won't.

Treat your time together like the MOST IMPORTANT THING, because IT IS. Read those books others have recommended here. You BOTH will be surprised at the rapid improvement in your relationship.


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