# I'm too blame, but i can't give up



## SorryHusband (Oct 21, 2011)

I'm looking for some advice. 

I'm an addict. I'm not a daily addict, but im a binge addict andevery couple months i disappear for a night and do what it is i do. I've caused alot of pain to my wife and son. She's stood by me but this last time she left me. I deserve this and have entered into treatment and rejoined my NA group. I realize that in the past my efforts at recovery had "slowed" my use, but never ceased it. I'm absolutely donewith using and am going to every length possible to make sure it never happens again. Im taking responsibility for my disease and my recovery. 

My wife loves me very much i know this, but i've caused alot of damage and pain. I don't want to call her because i love and need her so much that i would do or say anything to try and get her to come back immediately. This time i know i need time to deal with this, because if i don't, i won't change. I email her every night, i text her to give my son a hug and kiss every day when he wakes and goes to bed. But i think that's all the contact i deserve and probably should have for the moment. 

I'm not abusive, we generally have a good life, but my actions are getting close to costingme everything. 

I need help understanding how i should proceed with this. I'm being as honest as i can in my emails, telling her how i'm feeling, what i'm doing, and how much i miss and love her. I'm not asking her to come back today or next week, but i'm makingit clear that my family is my only priority and that we will be together again. 

I know there's alot of love in our marriage and while i dont want to pressure her through this, i want her to be able to feel her emotions and angers while i deal with mine. But i also dont want our contact and communication to dwindle. I need her to want to hold onto what we do have, and have faith that if i do what i know i need to do, we can be happy and healthy again. 

The balls in my court and any and all advice would be appreciated.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Is your wife in counseling of any sort? Do you have a sponsor? I know plenty of A's (alcoholics), and the ones I've hung out with always put their program first at the beginning. I also know plenty of Al-Anon spouses who have a hard time adjusting to their partners being in meetings or hanging out for coffee with other recovering addicts more time than they spend at home.

I know you want to make amends for all the wrongs you have done to your wife, but maybe you should work your fourth step before going the amends route. It takes a long time for a relationship to recover from the pain addiction causes.

My husband and I are still living apart after more than two years. However, he got sober just eight months ago. We can email and talk on the phone now as friends, but that was a long time coming. I don't know if we'll get back together or not. I take it one day at a time. He is living his life by putting it back together, and I'm staying out of the way so he can do what he feels he needs to do. I still love him, but for now it's better that we remain apart.

Of course you shouldn't give up, but maybe you should give your wife a little space for now. I really hope your marriage works out and you are reunited with your family. In the meantime, maybe you should be a little more selfish and just focus on recovery for yourself. I've known of marriages where the addict got clean, stayed clean, and the couple ended up divorced anyway. Not saying it would be this way in your case, but it DOES happen ...


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Keep on doing what you need to do to stay clean. She may be reluctant to come back until you have some time under your belt. She may have had enough and will never come back. Either way, you need to stay clean for your own benefit and that of your son.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

First off, you have been abusive in that you have frequently chosen drugs over your marriage, proving that you love the drug more than your family. You convinced yourself that you could have the drugs and your wife but you can't. Maybe she'll give you another chance and maybe she won't. She's given plenty and if she doesn't have anything left, you have no reason to fault her. 
I do hope you conquer this problem for good. With or without her, you'll emerge as a stronger, better man. Meantime, I suggest you stop deceiving yourself. Doesn't matter if you're a daily addict or a binge addict or a ballet-dancing, pie baking addict. Your marriage is on life-support because of your drug use. You're in this fix because you've minimized your drug problem and begged out or half-assed rehabbed her into taking you back over and over. Proof is the only thing that's going to work. She's heard the lies, seen the tears, read the syrupy words all before.


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## fallen5340 (Oct 21, 2011)

You're situation sounds almost identical to mine, and I feel for you. I have no real advice to offer, as I'm currently going through a very similar ordeal. Just letting you know you're not alone, and, like you, I too am hoping that my wife will one day return to try and make it work


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Please learn how to become stronger. Resist the addiction. Try to figure out why you are choosing it over your marriage. Getting over an addiction is hard work, but worth the reward. Don't give up. Clean yourself up so that you can be the kind of person your wife deserves. She stayed by you through a lot. Don't put her through any more pain; be what she deserves, or learn how to walk away and spare her any more heartache by your weaknesses.


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