# Dating, age differences, changes....



## badcompany

I'm still separated but nearing the light at the end of the tunnel as far as that is concerned.
Last time I dated before I was married was 14 years ago! Things have changed.....online dating and "multi-dating", plus our area has doubled in population. A 1st date is no longer "oh your so and so's son", it's a week of emails and text followed by most of the women appearing like they are wondering if they are going to wind up buried in my backyard after a first date
Also, a trend I've noticed, I'm 38, and I'm either finding single/divorced women in their mid to late 20's that oddly seem to be the most "real" so far, and a bunch of messed up women in their 30's-40's that have major baggage, unrealistic expectations, or just never grew up. 
I'm a bit lost with the whole thing honestly. I'm confident and kick @ss in my work and hobbies, but this whole dating thing has me 2nd guessing myself. I see a lot of the same gals still online that were there from the beginning when I started "window shopping" over a year ago. I realize there is more to it than the "she's a healthy female of breeding age" (Terminator 3 lol), but to get shot down because your off on a couple types of music has me scratching my head.


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## Rowan

As a 38 year old woman, let me assure you that there are more than a mere few really messed up guys 'in their 30's-40's that have major baggage, unrealistic expectations, or just never grew up' as well. Plenty of crazy and messed up to go around for everybody! 

In my own case, I'm just much more choosy than I was when I was younger. I have a child to consider. I have a life that I find fulfilling as it is. I now have enough awareness of myself and others that I'm just not willing to put up with many things that my younger self would have compromised on. I'm in no hurry. I'm not trying to beat my biological clock. I have no feeling of urgency to find and land a man. In fact, if I never have another long-term relationship - hell, even another second date - I know it would be okay. Because while I'd like a man in my life, I don't need one and would actually be sufficiently happy with myself and my life as it is to be okay without one. 

I'm sure that makes me sound flighty and gun-shy, and perhaps I'm both. When I date or write a profile, I indicate that I'm looking for a LTR. Because I'm not interested in casual sex. But I'm also not pursuing finding a LTR like it's a job. If it happens, awesome! If it doesn't, I'm still good.


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## Fenix

Rowan said:


> As a 38 year old woman, let me assure you that there are more than a mere few really messed up guys 'in their 30's-40's that have major baggage, unrealistic expectations, or just never grew up' as well. Plenty of crazy and messed up to go around for everybody!
> 
> In my own case, I'm just much more choosy than I was when I was younger. I have a child to consider. I have a life that I find fulfilling as it is. I now have enough awareness of myself and others that I'm just not willing to put up with many things that my younger self would have compromised on. I'm in no hurry. I'm not trying to beat my biological clock. I have no feeling of urgency to find and land a man. In fact, if I never have another long-term relationship - hell, even another second date - I know it would be okay. Because while I'd like a man in my life, I don't need one and would actually be sufficiently happy with myself and my life as it is to be okay without one.
> 
> I'm sure that makes me sound flighty and gun-shy, and perhaps I'm both. When I date or write a profile, I indicate that I'm looking for a LTR. Because I'm not interested in casual sex. But I'm also not pursuing finding a LTR like it's a job. If it happens, awesome! If it doesn't, I'm still good.


It's all good, as long as you have toys.


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## badcompany

Rowan,

Much of what you write is reasonable. I am being far more picky as I learned a lot about myself and have a better idea what kind of person has the potential to work out for me. I grew up with a family that did a lot together, and I think "the family that plays together stays together" is a very real statement. I still get out and do these things on my own or with my friends and kids, but there is still a partner missing there. For this reason I look for several common interests...other things aside...which I don't come across all that often. When I do, I tend to really go after these women only to get "Lumbergh'd".....see movie "Office space"....."Hmmmm.....yeah....I'm just not sure about that right now......"
Or, I've ran across a couple gals that the mutual interest was there but they were far more religious than I am and it was a deal breaker for them.


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## Scannerguard

What's the old saying?

This club must not be good enough if they would let me in.

I read an amusing online dating profile from a woman the other day.

It read:

_"I have a 15 year old daughter who lives with me and I am a widow so I am not available every weekend. She needs me more than I'll ever need you. If you can't handle that, buzz off."_

and then at the end, the usual closer:

_"I am only looking for a guy interested in a relationship."
_

LOL! LOL! LOL!!!! :lol:

Honey, you may want a relationship (and yeah, who doesn't) but it sounds like it's the last thing you can handle. Have yourself a fling, a friends with benefits, a casual encounter. . .whatever.

But poor ladies, they do get hit with a lot of scammers, players, young guys who want a MILF, etc. . .I am hard on women a lot, but in reality, I do feel sorry for them. It's hard for them. They do deserve better and remember that at times. Just be a gentleman and offer to have them background check you, frisk you and text a friend when you meet for lunch to know you aren't a deranged sex maniac.

And remember, you're in the divorced club too.

Someone must have divorced *you *for some reason so there has to be something wrong with you, right? Right?


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## Scannerguard

Also BTW. . .I am not surprised you feel yourself matching with women in their mid to late 20's. You're 38. 

It seems to be a biological fact/match. . .I find myself matching with women 35-40. 

It's normal - we are less mature than women and I think women understand this and often prefer to "date up." I had a 46 year old female reach out to me yesterday and I just didnt' know where she was coming from.

She lived in FL but worked here at times I guess and would be willing to relocate. . .uggg. No. Too much pressure. I date people in my head as much as the next person and I couldn't make it past Date 2 with her.

She's better off with a 50 some year old man.

So, don't try to force the issue with dating someone your own age if it doesn't work b/c of baggage or whatever.


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## badcompany

I see a fair amount of that too. In fact, the de-evolution of a woman's profile can be almost humorous as some obviously learn the lessons of dating the players and chasing men out of their league. I do feel sorry for them, some of them anyway. 

I'm far from perfect like many, but I found out in counseling I'm just different. While not an end-all-be-all, counseling revealed I'm an ENFJ/INFJ personality type and it's not a match for most people. I list the 2 types because my extroversion/introversion is, on average, neutral. In real life, I'm very introverted around strangers but very extraverted around friends and family.
My ex is an INTP and we had major compatibility issues all summed up in the test results, plus I'm pretty sure she's a BPD'er. 
The FEW women I have clicked with have been INFJ's, so there is something so it as much as I used to think it was a bunch of BS.


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## whitehawk

BC , l have never read or got down my own thoughts and the way l found the whole crazy online thing , described to that kind of a T , fkg amazing.
l did try a few times but you nailed it :rofl:

l actually met my ex in a singles club , a newspaper version of the online stuff now. Things were soooo much simpler.There was no internet paranoia , none of the prickles and insanely fickleness that l found recently with my online dabble , it was a different world.
The girls were sooooo different too. But eh they were 20yrs younger as well so l'm not sure if it was that as they def' get fkd u with age , or if it was just the times as compared to now to . Bit of both l think.
Mind you , l did meet some great ladies to, in the online stuff l mean . But for crying out loud , the bizarroness of it all over all , was just , l do not know but l also come across the weirdest things as well . Just bizarre - weird - [email protected] !
And all that emailing stuff , holy hell. In the one l was in back when , we just got little lists of new people sent out to us once a wk and you rang each other up , who ever you liked or they liked. No bs , no paranoia , they rang me , l rang them , you'd meet whoever you wanted , it was very very simple and a lot of fun and , l met my ex.

But , there are some people here that have done really well with online stuff so , who knows l guess.
Me , l've met 2 or 3 possibles in the last 6mths plus one much earlier on , seeing someone now but they've all been just RL mostly accidental old school meets , just like it use to be.
And the difference in meeting someone the old fashion way , is still totally just blowing me away. Just soooo simple , real , reality, natural , after that online dabble , it's been pretty damn refreshing let me tell ya. 

But eh , as l was saying , there's some people here that have met their new bf's and gf's online so , anything can happen l spose.
And your so right , it is such a different world out there now.


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## whitehawk

l will say one thing about online though. At times earlier , l had no way of meeting anyone and at those times , l was meeting people online. lf not for that l wouldn't have been l guess so , that's a pretty big plus l spose.


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## whitehawk

Scannerguard said:


> What's the old saying?
> 
> This club must not be good enough if they would let me in.
> 
> I read an amusing online dating profile from a woman the other day.
> 
> It read:
> 
> _"I have a 15 year old daughter who lives with me and I am a widow so I am not available every weekend. She needs me more than I'll ever need you. If you can't handle that, buzz off."_
> 
> and then at the end, the usual closer:
> 
> _"I am only looking for a guy interested in a relationship."
> _
> 
> LOL! LOL! LOL!!!! :lol:
> 
> Honey, you may want a relationship (and yeah, who doesn't) but it sounds like it's the last thing you can handle. Have yourself a fling, a friends with benefits, a casual encounter. . .whatever.
> 
> But poor ladies, they do get hit with a lot of scammers, players, young guys who want a MILF, etc. . .I am hard on women a lot, but in reality, I do feel sorry for them. It's hard for them. They do deserve better and remember that at times. Just be a gentleman and offer to have them background check you, frisk you and text a friend when you meet for lunch to know you aren't a deranged sex maniac.
> 
> And remember, you're in the divorced club too.
> 
> Someone must have divorced *you *for some reason so there has to be something wrong with you, right? Right?



That was a classic. l only wish l had a few days and patience to put in some of the stuff l've read , or l think l've read:rofl: . Sometimes l think nahh , l couldn't have just read that.

The funny thing about that last bit though is- someone must have divorced them , or screwed around on them , or got bored with them, for a reason to right .
But with the double standards alive and kicking , l'm not sure if it works that way. They all seem to be perfect , just victims.


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## Married but Happy

OLD can work very well, but you must be realistic and patient. A lot depends on your competitiveness (appearance, personality, productive member of society) AND on presenting that information appealingly online. No matter what, don't try to be or pretend that you are anything but who and what you truly are.

I found that out of 20 contacts with at least a few email exchanges, only 1 (on average) met my criteria and were worth meeting. Of those, maybe 1 in 5 was dateable. Depending on what you want and offer, you may have much better - or worse - results. No matter what, compromise as needed, but do NOT settle for anyone who does not meet your core wants.


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## EnjoliWoman

badcompany said:


> I see a lot of the same gals still online that were there from the beginning when I started "window shopping" over a year ago. I realize there is more to it than the "she's a healthy female of breeding age" (Terminator 3 lol), but to get shot down because your off on a couple types of music has me scratching my head.


I finally completely deleted my profiles and if I sign up again I'll probably use a different user name now that I've read that. I wouldn't want anyone automatically dismissing me because my profile had been up too long. Only a year? It takes longer than that to find a good match for most people I think. I have had a lot of emails, a lot of first dates, a few weird ones and two "relationships" from on-line dating and one I met in person at a bar (He's a non drinker who loves to dance.)

Single 10 years - that doesn't mean I'm broken or so picky I'm unrealistic. I'd date for a while, meet someone, date them for nearly a year, take a nice chunk of me time after the breakup and then start again. I wasn't always active. AND as a mother who has primary custody, most of that time I couldn't date except alternating weekends so only 2 weekends a month and that really limits the guys who are patient enough for that AND how many men you can weed through.


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## PAgirl

EnjoliWoman said:


> I finally completely deleted my profiles and if I sign up again I'll probably use a different user name now that I've read that. I wouldn't want anyone automatically dismissing me because my profile had been up too long. Only a year? It takes longer than that to find a good match for most people I think. I have had a lot of emails, a lot of first dates, a few weird ones and two "relationships" from on-line dating and one I met in person at a bar (He's a non drinker who loves to dance.)
> 
> Single 10 years - that doesn't mean I'm broken or so picky I'm unrealistic. I'd date for a while, meet someone, date them for nearly a year, take a nice chunk of me time after the breakup and then start again. I wasn't always active. AND as a mother who has primary custody, most of that time I couldn't date except alternating weekends so only 2 weekends a month and that really limits the guys who are patient enough for that AND how many men you can weed through.


I can relate a lot to this post! I was on a dating website a year ago. After finding that chemistry with someone after only a few weeks after signing up (very lucky), I had a 9 month long relationship. Now that ended a month ago so Im back on that same site. But I deleted and created a whole new profile. But I recognized many men I saw on there a year ago and at least one recognized me and said something. It felt a little embarrassing but hey what can you do? Doesn't mean Im messed up, just didn't work out long term with the guy I chose! But I haven't been active for 9 months or so. 

Now being on this site again, I am REALLY picky. More so than before. If any guy gives me ANY hint that he is looking for a fling or casual sex like calling me "sexy" or "bella" or baby before we even meet, they get immediately deleted! lol! Oh and I skip right thru profiles with pics of bare chests! No not looking to date your body. As far as the every other weekend dates because of alternating kid schedules with ex, yes I am doing this too. I am finding it to be a bit limiting especially when other people you might date also has children and the same alternating schedule. So I have recently hired a babysitter for that Friday or Saturday night that I have the kids but would like to go on a date


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## whitehawk

Haha , l was treating women the same. Some of them disgusted me with that [email protected] or some kind of sexual suggestiveness when they didn't even know who the hell they were even talking to . It made me sick tbh.

Gotta go with hbm though . A lot of people here use to say to me oh just get on that date , forget the emailing or phone stuff.
But l found the opposite and after a few totally dud and very disappointing dates , l thought no way l'm rushing of to meet just someone anymore . When it usually all just came out in a few calls anyway and l often found myself thinking thank God l didn't just rush of to meet her .
Tbh , l found about the same odds as hbm to . lf you were lucky , lucky , maybe one in 10 or 20 you meet on the site , might , only might , be actually worth even bothering to actually meet once you've talked a bit.

ps , although , as l reminded myself a few times once again, some people here have done really well straight outa the box through date sites so , never do know l guess


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## EnjoliWoman

Yeah I agree on the overly sexual ones - whether it's too many shirtless pics or a reference in teh profile "I have more [or 'private'] pics, just ask" and I hate the ones that just say "hi sexy" - they can't even be bothered to comment on my profile, etc. - do they think I'm actually going to reply? Does that WORK? Heck I've even gotten a couple tacky come-ons here.


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## badcompany

I have to agree with you there EW...I skip over the bikini top big cleavage sexy posers and go straight for the gal wearing glasses, hair up, and casual dress.


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## lifeistooshort

The biggest problem with online dating as I see it is that it can turn into a shopping experience if you're not careful. When you meet someone you form a human connection and even though they're not prefect the package might work for you, but online line you're always wondering if you can order something better.

As for 30 and 40 somethings with baggage, that's gender neutral. I'm a 40 year old woman and I've noticed that many people near my age don't realize it and still think they're 25, and you'll get a lot of "but I look younger". No you don't, you might look good for your age but I promise if I put you next to someone that actually is years younger you'll look older (unless they're really tore up).

Do the best you can with what you have, be reasonable about what you bring to the table, and realize that life really is too short to walk around with grudges and baggage.


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## whitehawk

Dating sites seemed to be full of women shooting way out of their league thinking they can just order better .
l could never believe grown women that had lived a life and been through the wars could still be so lala land naive . Not to mention l'm sure at least 50% of them must have forgotten to look in the mirror for 10 or 15yrs.
Truly , it just flabbergasted me . And even with 5 or 6yrs on the dating scene they'd curse and becoming 5 or 6yrs older to while they did it, still didn't seem to make any difference what so ever to the attitude at all .


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## badcompany

EnjoliWoman said:


> Single 10 years - that doesn't mean I'm broken or so picky I'm unrealistic. I'd date for a while, meet someone, date them for nearly a year, take a nice chunk of me time after the breakup and then start again. I wasn't always active. AND as a mother who has primary custody, most of that time I couldn't date except alternating weekends so only 2 weekends a month and that really limits the guys who are patient enough for that AND how many men you can weed through.


10 years? That is a long time. You might be needing a crazy cat lady starter kit soon :rofl:


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## Jellybeans

lifeistooshort said:


> The biggest problem with online dating as I see it is that it can turn into a shopping experience if you're not careful. When you meet someone you form a human connection and even though they're not prefect the package might work for you, but online line you're always wondering if you can order something better.


I agree. Too many options!!!


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## EnjoliWoman

badcompany said:


> 10 years? That is a long time. You might be needing a crazy cat lady starter kit soon :rofl:


Nah. I joke that 1 is my lucky number. 1 cat, 1 dog, 1 kid - I'm destined to be '1'.


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## Wolf1974

I was much like you wading back into dating after about 11 years total off the market. The online dating world is a bit frustrating. My suggestion is to go slow, enjoy dating with no expectations,and guard yourself. It's easy to get wrapped up in the "this feels good and I havenet felt this good in so long". Both men and women players out there and they are hard to spot at first but that does get easier with time. Relax and enjoy it. Dating and running your own life can be a wonderful experience.


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## Dread Pirate Roberts

OP, I know where you're coming from. Bush I was still President the last time I had dated! (OK, it was after Clinton had won but before he was sworn in, but still)

I signed up on a few dating sites. Didn't take it very seriously, though, so only a few dates. One bunny boiler, one pretty cool girl that I still talk to. I met my current girlfriend the old fashioned way - setup by a friend. She's 5 years younger than me - I'm almost 45 - and it's kind of cool because it's close enough to have common experiences/interests/etc. but also differences as well.

DPR


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