# Advice is So confusing!



## BraveLady (Apr 13, 2013)

My H and I have been separated for four months. His leaving was a shock to me, said it was all my faults, lack of communication, lack of showing him appreciation and respect, lack of sexual initiation, etc. That caused him to feel unwanted in his own home. I really do not feel like there is OW involved, any checking I have done has led to nothing strange going on. So... I have read and read everything I can find on separation and how to communicate better, how to have a better marriage. 
I read that I should do 180, give him space, but then read that too much space will push him into finding someone else. I read that if you love someone set them free, but then read that every marriage is worth fighting for, never let go, never give up. I read that I should sit back and wait for him to come around, but then read that if you want something, ask for it, go for it. If you don't ask, you will never get what you want. I am so confused. I don't know what to do and what will work. My H and I are still spending time together, still having great sex, just not "together" and I know that he misses me, but not ready to get back into the old problems, and he's not sure if he will change anytime soon. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for letting me vent here.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sorry that you find yourself here with us, BraveLady. Have the two of you talked about Marriage Counseling? If so, has he been willing to go? It takes two to make a marriage work. You said that his leaving was a shock to you -- does this mean that he never communicated any of his reasons before walking out? If not, then the lack of communication was not all yours. How long have you been married? Any children?

Are there any other changes in his behavior besides the separation? Things that would seem like mid-life crisis, or changes in mood? Sorry to hit you with a lot of questions, just trying to get a little more specifics on your situation.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

4 months separated is a long time. And still having sex together. Are you absolutely sure there isn't another woman?

There must be more to your story. How long married? Children? Background?


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Sorry about your situation . How long were you together?
So are you saying your still having sex together, must be weird.
Your right , advice is hard , confusing. Add the roller coaster , l'm still as clear as mud myself actually.
He must srill only be 50/50 right now though about splitting though l'd imagine because l would
think personally , if his mind was made up l doubt he'd 
be still sleeping with you but could be wrong.

As you discribe more as you go anyway, answer things ,
people will be able to help better so give it a go.

Just from my point of view , what he's saying is serious,
it is the sort of stuff that starts to make us unhappy
with where we're at but - just to me it doesn't 
sound like that's a done deal though if he's still
sleeping with you. Could be more a do somem
about this or l could be outa here.
But don't quote me on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sleeping together doesn't necessarily mean there's something still there. Depends on what else is going on at the same time -- what else is he saying? How else is he acting? He could also be cake-eating. We need more information before we can advise for sure.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

As counter intuitive as it sounds, the 180 is the only way. Your WS needs to understand that limbo situation you are in is done.

If you go dark, you will know if he really wants to work on your marriage, probably within 90-180 days. Right now he does not have to acknowledge his confused feelings.

I was there, and the 180 along with the most amazing support from family and friends gave me the courage to face whatever my new future hold s for me with confidence.

Work on you, be strong,
Stretch


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Detach. And stop having sex with him. That's not bringing him back. 

Don't focus on him. Concentrate on *you*.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Detach. And stop having sex with him. That's not bringing him back.
> 
> Don't focus on him. Concentrate on *you*.


So true. The sex is keeping you emotionally attached. Whether or not you eventually reconcile, you're not there *now*. The sex is not building intimacy or love. It's very tough to let go of one of the few places where you still feel connected to him, but that doesn't mean it's wise in the long run.

Still, I would feel better if we all knew a little more about your situation before saying any more than that.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

BraveLady said:


> I read that I should do 180, give him space, but then read that too much space will push him into finding someone else. I read that if you love someone set them free, but then read that every marriage is worth fighting for, never let go, never give up. I read that I should sit back and wait for him to come around, but then read that if you want something, ask for it, go for it. If you don't ask, you will never get what you want. I am so confused. I don't know what to do and what will work. My H and I are still spending time together, still having great sex, just not "together" and I know that he misses me, but not ready to get back into the old problems, and he's not sure if he will change anytime soon. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for letting me vent here.


It's confusing because, in a way, all that advice is correct... But only if you can fit it together in the right context.

First, only you and you alone can decide whether or not you marriage is still worth fighting for, or whether it's time to let go. Everyone has their own limits and their own deal-breakers. However, trying to hold on to a marriage -- or any relationship -- that is already effectively over and ended is terrible for your emotional health. Step back, take good, long, hard, objective look at your marriage and your relationship with your husband, and then make your decision.

Second, you can't make your husband do anything. You can't change what he thinks. You can't make his decisions for him. You are not responsible for his mistakes, don't take the blame for them. He is in charge of himself. Let him be. And understand that if he decides (or already has decided) that the marriage is over, then it is almost certainly is over, because only he, not you, can change his opinion on it.

By the same respect, stop basing your happiness on his happiness. The only person who can make him happy is him. So, let him worry about his own happiness, and don't let him blame you for his bad moods.

Next, _cura te ipsum_... "Cure yourself." The only person who can make you happy is yourself. Examine yourself. Figure out what it would take for you to be happy with yourself again. Then, go do it. It is important that you do this _for yourself_, and that you do it _on your own, without him_.

Finally, set clear boundaries for what you expect from him when he does interact with you. Enforce them simply and firmly, so there is no doubt where you've drawn the line.

So, to sum up:


*Reconciliation vs. Giving Up:* You decide. He decides. If you both want R, it could work. If one of you doesn't, it won't. Either of you can change your mind, but you can't change his mind for him.
*Sir Back and Wait:* You and he both need the distance from each other to understand and take ownership of your own problems and mistakes, to do what needs to be done to fix those problems and mistakes, to learn how to be happy with yourselves, and to make your own decisions about what needs to be done. You also need the space to stop placing blame on each other and accepting blame from each other, and to stop trying fix each other's mistakes.
*Ask For What You Want:* Set boundaries and enforce them. He needs to know what he should and should not be doing when he's around you, and he needs to know that you will not tolerate breaking those rules.

Does that make sense?

Right now, he has all the benefits of being single (ie personal independence, fewer responsibilities, avoiding marital problems, etc..), while still keeping many of the benefits of being married (ie guaranteed sex, regular female company, emotional strings to pull, the surety that you will always be there for him, etc...)


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Excellent post, PB!


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## BraveLady (Apr 13, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Sorry that you find yourself here with us, BraveLady. Have the two of you talked about Marriage Counseling? If so, has he been willing to go? It takes two to make a marriage work. You said that his leaving was a shock to you -- does this mean that he never communicated any of his reasons before walking out? If not, then the lack of communication was not all yours. How long have you been married? Any children?
> 
> Are there any other changes in his behavior besides the separation? Things that would seem like mid-life crisis, or changes in mood? Sorry to hit you with a lot of questions, just trying to get a little more specifics on your situation.



Thanks for your replies. Our background is together almost 20 years, with a child. I knew he was frustrated, and had been trying to work on things, communicate better, take a weekend away for us, etc. But he said we should have been working on those things all along, not wait til things got bad and then rush to put a band aid on. So that all made him shut down, and said no to MC for same reason. While I understand what he's saying, how do you move forward?


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## BraveLady (Apr 13, 2013)

Tron said:


> 4 months separated is a long time. And still having sex together. Are you absolutely sure there isn't another woman?
> 
> There must be more to your story. How long married? Children? Background?


I've checked phone bill, bank accounts, nothing seems out of place. Doesn't make me positive that there is not OW, but he spends every weekend with us. (together almost 20 years, one child) I wanted to think it was a stupid, quick decision tat he made, and didnt think through. But like you said, it's been a long separation, so I just don't know.


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## BraveLady (Apr 13, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> Just from my point of view , what he's saying is serious,
> it is the sort of stuff that starts to make us unhappy
> with where we're at but - just to me it doesn't
> sound like that's a done deal though if he's still
> ...


thank you! I hope you are right and it's not a done deal!


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## BraveLady (Apr 13, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Sleeping together doesn't necessarily mean there's something still there. Depends on what else is going on at the same time -- what else is he saying? How else is he acting? He could also be cake-eating. We need more information before we can advise for sure.


He may be cake-eating... No responsibility at home, no worrying about bills or kids or homework. I've definitely thought that. But that brings me back to the flip flop of what I feel I should do. If sex and time together stops, them I feel like I'm giving up and not fighting for my marriage. If I continue to spend time with him, then I feel like at least hes with me, not someone else, and I am putting effort in and trying. It's so confusing.


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## BraveLady (Apr 13, 2013)

Stretch said:


> As counter intuitive as it sounds, the 180 is the only way. Your WS needs to understand that limbo situation you are in is done.
> 
> If you go dark, you will know if he really wants to work on your marriage, probably within 90-180 days. Right now he does not have to acknowledge his confused feelings.
> 
> ...



Good points! Thank you!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The 180 means no sex. 

You are separated for a reason. And sex with you during separation isn't a guarantee that's going to keep him from "wandering".

Right now he presumably thinks he has the best of all worlds. Why would he work on his marriage?

It doesn't help the situation if you are the only one fighting. He has to fight as well. And right now it doesn't look like he is.

Try the 180 and see what happens.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I am with Openminded. You've tried keeping him close to you and keeping things as close to "normal" as you can for 4 months. Nothing has changed. 

Time to establish a new normal. Make him feel what it is like to be divorced. He is on his own. No time wandering around your house on the weekends like he lives there. No sex. Nothing but co-parenting. 

Set some boundaries and keep to them. Set a schedule for him to be with the child as close to what he would get as a divorced dad. Time for him to figure out whether he is in or out.

It will be very tough to do for a little while, but will be good for you in the long run.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I tried to 'keep the home fires burning' when I first got the ILYBINILWY speech. It didn't do anything but make things comfortable for him while he got himself ready to pull away for good. I didn't know about TAM or the 180 or anything like that at the time. All I had were my instincts to fight for my marriage by showing him I wanted to fix things. I had actions to prove that. He said he wasn't sure, we were 'working on it,' but _did_ nothing. And we kept sleeping together for a few months after that. We set aside a night a week minimum to do things just the two of us. But I didn't hold him to any responsibility for his choices. My continued emotional attachment, and holding on to the thread of hope he verbally gave me, just made things _easier_ for him, and _harder_ for me. It didn't change a thing in the long run. 

I don't know if doing the 180 would have made things turn out differently with our marriage, but it would have helped me. I agree with Tron. You've tried it your way. Four months is a pretty long time for things not to change.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> I tried to 'keep the home fires burning' when I first got the ILYBINILWY speech. It didn't do anything but make things comfortable for him while he got himself ready to pull away for good. I didn't know about TAM or the 180 or anything like that at the time. All I had were my instincts to fight for my marriage by showing him I wanted to fix things. I had actions to prove that. He said he wasn't sure, we were 'working on it,' but _did_ nothing. And we kept sleeping together for a few months after that. We set aside a night a week minimum to do things just the two of us. But I didn't hold him to any responsibility for his choices. My continued emotional attachment, and holding on to the thread of hope he verbally gave me, just made things _easier_ for him, and _harder_ for me. It didn't change a thing in the long run.
> 
> I don't know if doing the 180 would have made things turn out differently with our marriage, but it would have helped me. I agree with Thor. You've tried it your way. Four months is a pretty long time for things not to change.


:iagree:

I had pretty much the same experience starting about a year ago.


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## BraveLady (Apr 13, 2013)

Pbartender said:


> *Reconciliation vs. Giving Up:* You decide. He decides. If you both want R, it could work. If one of you doesn't, it won't. Either of you can change your mind, but you can't change his mind for him.
> *Sir Back and Wait:* You and he both need the distance from each other to understand and take ownership of your own problems and mistakes, to do what needs to be done to fix those problems and mistakes, to learn how to be happy with yourselves, and to make your own decisions about what needs to be done. You also need the space to stop placing blame on each other and accepting blame from each other, and to stop trying fix each other's mistakes.
> *Ask For What You Want:* Set boundaries and enforce them. He needs to know what he should and should not be doing when he's around you, and he needs to know that you will not tolerate breaking those rules.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply, it does make sense. I've taken some time to really think about what you have said, and i understand what you mean. I do need to set boundaries and then figure out what I really want and need. My gut feeling is that we made vows to God and each other, and we should do everything possible to make this work. But I dont want to let him run all over me either! Being I'm this situation just sucks!


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## BraveLady (Apr 13, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> But I didn't hold him to any responsibility for his choices. My continued emotional attachment, and holding on to the thread of hope he verbally gave me, just made things _easier_ for him, and _harder_ for me. It didn't change a thing in the long run.
> 
> I don't know if doing the 180 would have made things turn out differently with our marriage, but it would have helped me. I agree with Thor. You've tried it your way. Four months is a pretty long time for things not to change.


You have struck a cord with me, it is making things easier for him! Making him feel less guilty about leaving, hurting me, etc. But its only making my heart break even more after we spend a bit of time together and then he leaves.


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## BraveLady (Apr 13, 2013)

Well some of you were right. It appears there is OW. D Day was Saturday. Found completely on accident. I had quit looking at phone bills etc. Because for months there was nothing unusual, and I decided to have complete faith in him and our marriage. Ha! I was dumb. Saturday was a rough day, feeling sorry for myself kind of day. Lots of tears. Go on FB to occupy my mind, and boom. Pic of him and someone else. That night I was so shocked, I didn't cry, I just thought of every detail of every conversation I could remember. Trying to figure it all out. No sleep. Next day started digging for info and evidence. Today the tears have flowed. I have not spoken to him so he doesn't know that I know. Not sure how to bring up, what to do. I am done. Went through this once before and it's worst feeling in the world.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BraveLady said:


> Well some of you were right. It appears there is OW. D Day was Saturday. Found completely on accident. I had quit looking at phone bills etc. Because for months there was nothing unusual, and I decided to have complete faith in him and our marriage. Ha! I was dumb. Saturday was a rough day, feeling sorry for myself kind of day. Lots of tears. Go on FB to occupy my mind, and boom. Pic of him and someone else. That night I was so shocked, I didn't cry, I just thought of every detail of every conversation I could remember. Trying to figure it all out. No sleep. Next day started digging for info and evidence. Today the tears have flowed. I have not spoken to him so he doesn't know that I know. Not sure how to bring up, what to do. I am done. Went through this once before and it's worst feeling in the world.


9 times out of 10 there is someone else.

Very painful situation to discover.

Do the hard 180 and - for God's sake quit sleeping with him.

Are you in therapy?


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## BraveLady (Apr 13, 2013)

Conrad said:


> 9 times out of 10 there is someone else.
> 
> Very painful situation to discover.
> 
> ...


No, not in therapy. Have no one really to talk to. I am totally on my own.... Have had no contact with him for several days now.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Do the hard 180 and - for God's sake quit sleeping with him.
> 
> Are you in therapy?


There is your plan of action. 

Sorry BraveLady, but you will find some kindred spirits on here that will help you immensely. You might want to start reading some threads on the Coping With Infidelity forum...or start your own.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm so sorry that this turned out to be the case, BLady. I hate to bring this up, but please get an STD test. That's the last thing you need to be dealing with right now, on top of everything else. 

Start making moves to protect yourself. He has shown that he does not care about you, and if the sh!t hits the fan, as it soon will, he may also start getting nasty with things like financials. Are you working? Can you support yourself financially? If you have joint accounts, you might want to take action so that he can't empty them. Speak to a lawyer before you talk to him and tell him you know. Keep copies and screen shots of evidence. 

Again, I'm so sorry. Please keep posting here. You're not alone. There are an awful lot of us here who are familiar with this, and we can help. ((hugs)), Brave Lady.


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## BraveLady (Apr 13, 2013)

I do work, but definitely will need assistance from him. Started working on financial accounts today. My head is reeling though and I am not quite sure what I am doing. Still in shock. Thanks for help and hugs!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Hang in there, sweetie!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BraveLady said:


> No, not in therapy. Have no one really to talk to. I am totally on my own.... Have had no contact with him for several days now.


Find a good counselor.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

How are you doing today, BLady?


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## BraveLady (Apr 13, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> How are you doing today, BLady?


Hi there, thanks for checking on me, I am trying really hard to keep busy and keep my tears in. So hard to do and I don't want people at work in my personal business. I started a list of things I didn't like about him to make me feel better. The "ha ha, you can have him!!" list. I know that I will be ok, I know that I will be better off, but I am scared to death. I am so alone and feel so betrayed and left behind. How is it fair that he can dump all responsibility and start over? Fresh start for him, no baggage, no wife, no kids, no home chores, no debt. Just so unfair. I hope karma takes care of him!!


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

BraveLady said:


> Hi there, thanks for checking on me, I am trying really hard to keep busy and keep my tears in. So hard to do and I don't want people at work in my personal business. I started a list of things I didn't like about him to make me feel better. The "ha ha, you can have him!!" list. I know that I will be ok, I know that I will be better off, but I am scared to death. I am so alone and feel so betrayed and left behind. How is it fair that he can dump all responsibility and start over? Fresh start for him, no baggage, no wife, no kids, no home chores, no debt. Just so unfair. I hope karma takes care of him!!


It will catch up with him, give it time. Yes, it is totally unfair, I have been there as well. Try to take care of yourself as best as you can. Get in therapy if you can afford it. Go No Contact. Have you found a lawyer yet? Its ok to cry, it hurts, you move forward...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostwithouthim (Apr 15, 2013)

Hi, I've been on here but stuck on one thread as I've met some really friendly people on there who do not judge me. After reading this thread, you all seem like a nice bunch so I thought I'd come to join you 
Bravelady, your story is very similar to mine apart from I've had no sex with him since he left and there's no OW as far as I know. My H moved out 2 months ago and after a little while we had more and more contact. I was so happy when he got in touch or came round for a chat. I did give him a massage when he said he has a bad back, he had a soak in our bath last week because he's not go a bath at his flat/apt and I've been cooking him meals. 
The reason I was doing this was because I'd read about love bank deposits and it said that the more loving things you do for them, the more the love deposits will go into the bank.
I felt happy and hopeful that it was going the right way and after a few more months he'll be ready to R.
However, last monday he said that He'll pick me up from town after I'd been to college and run me home. I didn't think anything of this as he's done this loads of times before. He made us a coffee and we went to sit down in the living room. I thought oh this is positive, but how wrong I was! He told me he was going to see a solicitor and he was going to file for divorce! Just like that! no hint of doing that before, apart from the leaving of course!
He's done this before for an OW about 12 years ago, only this time he keeps saying that there isn't an OW. I wish there was as this would help him to R. I know that doesn't make sense so let me explain.
12 years ago, he left me and moved in with her. My parents were outraged and my dad was down here within 2 days, changing the locks on the door and dragging me to the solicitors. I had very little communication during this time with my H. After 8 months, the D still wasn't finalised as my H was delaying it. He started ringing me up every day, asking how I was and what I was doing. By that time I'd moved on and was getting fed up with this. One day he rang up and he was crying. He said he was sorry for everything and can he come home. I said I'd have to think about it because there was a lot of water gone under the bridge during that time. The next day he rang again, I went upstairs and ignored the phone. The phone rang off and then he rang again. I answered it and eventually agreed that he could come home. Give it time, lots of time, he'll eventually get fed up of this OW and want to come home again. you MUST let him go though and do the 180 on him. It's the only thing that works!
I wish now that when he left 2 months ago that I hadn't been suckered into his cake eating and started doing 180 on him right from the start.
A good book that I've been reading is called divorce busters. It describes doing 180 very well. One thing it says is to start making small changes into your daily routine. When my H first left me, I started making tea for both me and my son and sitting at the table to eat it together. All of that stopped when my H came back. My son would have his tea early so we can be alone to have some together time when my son was in bed. We'd always eat in front of the TV, this totally kills any conversation imo. I've only really thought about this since he's left, I thought about a lot of stuff I can improve on if we had a chance at R, which at the mo is probably about 1%. I've started cooking me and my son meals again and we've started eating meals at the table now.
I've not spoken to my H since Sunday. He's supposed to be looking after my son tomorrow whilst I'm at college but I'm going to let my son text him. He's been to see his solicitor today, so I doubt he's ging to be in contact with me. I am praying for him, he's depressed and lost his faith. I feel that he needs help for his depression, but he's never sought help.
The day he told me he was filing for D, he offered to mow the grass. He's done half of the back garden, but hasn't come back to do the front. What a surprise he'll have when he comes and sees the front garden neatly manicured, lol. A kind neighbour came to do it when I was at college and was still hard at work doing it when I got home. He's even got rid of all the weeds around the edge.
The way he's done this to me, right in the middle of my college course, is self centred and downright out of order! I did not expect this after 2 months, but I now know the real reason for wanting to get the D out of the way quickly. He wants the money from the house so he can buy himself an apt instead of renting. He hasn't actually told me this though, but it's obvious! he wants to get his hands on half the house, he's told me that. He said the reason he's filing so quickly is because he wants to get it over and done with sooner rather than letting it drag on! Has he got a shock coming to him when I get myself a solicitor 
This time round I didn't tell my parents in case he wanted to R. The first time round, it took them a long time to forgive H for what he had done to me. 
My H says that if I don't sign the D papers, he'll phone my parents up and tell them himself. I'm going to write them a letter and post it to them this week after my IC has read through them. I'm sure my dad will be coming straight down to make sure he doesn't get half the house! My parents have put a lot of money into this house and my stepdad paid off the mortgage. 
Anyway I think I've rambled on too long now. Bravelady, go and do the 180 on him, he'll soon get curious as to what you are doing and make contact with you 
I'm like you Bravelady, as a Christian I feel marriage is for life and if my H ever changes his mind, then the door will always be left ajar for him! After all D doesn't just affect you, it affects the whole family including the children!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

There are few - if any - happy endings for Plan B.


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## lostwithouthim (Apr 15, 2013)

Conrad said:


> There are few - if any - happy endings for Plan B.


What's plan B?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lostwithouthim said:


> What's plan B?


Trying to nice someone out of abusing your relationship.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Hey, BL, sorry that you are here, but it seems your timing is right, based on what you just found out a few days ago. 

You are NOT alone, and even though we are all anonymous internetters, this is a place where you can find some really good advice (for free), some advice you gotta think about for a while (also for free) and some advice that's just plain silly (based on your personal situation -- oh, and also for free!  ). 

I'm trying to make this a litle bit light but I know your heart is broken and you're flailing around every day trying to make sense of life, and how effed up it got, as careful as you were to get to where you are. 

Remember, there may have been problems in the marriage, but no WAY were there any reasons for him to run off with some s*ank and ruin your life in the meantime. DON'T give him that power. Start taking it back NOW. Start remembering who you are and that your spine is stiff, and that you WILL be OK. 

There are a lot of adjustments coming up. But you can do all of them. Just remember you deserve better in life and that POS can't be part of the good things you represent within yourself. HIS loss, not yours.

God bless you.


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## BraveLady (Apr 13, 2013)

lostwithouthim said:


> Hi!
> 
> The reason I was doing this was because I'd read about love bank deposits and it said that the more loving things you do for them, the more the love deposits will go into the bank.
> I felt happy and hopeful that it was going the right way and after a few more months he'll be ready to R.
> ...


_Our stories sure are very similar! Thanks for sharing with me. I hope and pray that you can stay strong and get through this. It's going to be a long road I'm afraid. Hugs to you._


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## BraveLady (Apr 13, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> Hey, BL, sorry that you are here, but it seems your timing is right, based on what you just found out a few days ago.
> 
> You are NOT alone, and even though we are all anonymous internetters, this is a place where you can find some really good advice (for free), some advice you gotta think about for a while (also for free) and some advice that's just plain silly (based on your personal situation -- oh, and also for free!  ).
> 
> ...


Thank you! I'm so glad I found this site. Trying to go through this and not expose anyone else to it is so tough. But I need my head straight before I tell family. I have started taking steps on financial accounts so I won't be surprised by anything. Its so hard. I feel like it will all be ok, eventually...


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

Hi BL....

Just read your posts. I'm so sorry you are hurting... but look at your name. Hold on to that now.

And get yourself into therapy like Mr Conrad says and protect yourself financially. 

You will be ok. 


love and peace x


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## lostwithouthim (Apr 15, 2013)

BraveLady said:


> _Our stories sure are very similar! Thanks for sharing with me. I hope and pray that you can stay strong and get through this. It's going to be a long road I'm afraid. Hugs to you._


Hi BL
I didn't realise how similar our stories are. I too am putting off telling my parents, I'm so pleased that you are thinking the same as me. The 180 is working already and I've only been at it 2 days! H came round at 7.30 this morning! I was still in bed. My son unlocked the door for him and let him in. I got up and went downstairs. He apologised and said he thought I'd be up by now. I thought oh no now I can't log onto the computer and read the forums. 
He said that he is delaying the solicitor by a month so I can finish my college course without worrying about it. He said that he decided to delay it because I hadn't rung him on Monday to ask how his interview went. In fact I've not spoken him since Sunday and normally we're in touch every day. My suspicions are that the solicitor has told him that he needs to keep on my good side, either that or God has intervened and showed him the error of his ways. I rang up the prayer line last night and wow! The prayer I received was so powerful I felt the Holy Spirit was with me, comforting me 
He asked me what I'd been up to and I said nothing much. I didn't give anything away. I talked about my son and about the girls at college. He said he might have a bath, I said in a joking way "oh will you now!" He said "or maybe not!" I didn't answer him. If he thinks that I'm going to treat him the same as I did before he went to the solicitor, then he's living in a dream world. I didn't talk to him that much as I was getting ready for college. As soon as I was ready, I went off to catch the bus. I was going to catch the earlier one because then I could come on here and talk to you guys. In case you're wondering what he was doing round my house this morning, he looks after our son whilst I go to college. Anyway I missed the bus as he was chatting about when we were younger and recorded the tapes off the radio! He was listening to his old tapes and we were reminiscing about them. I didn't let my guard down but I have to admit it was nice to have him at our house. It was good that he made the first move to contact me, 180 definitely works!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Brave,

Cry your eyes out, it gets rid of toxins in your body. That is why you feel better after a good cry.

I am impressed with the steps you are taking to work on yourself, keep it up.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Good luck. I think it will work out


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