# Husband seems to not want/need sex.



## serenity22 (Apr 25, 2017)

I know that it is quite common for the ladies to experience a lack of interest in sex, but what about the men? I have been married to my husband for 1.5 years (we are both 28 years of age) and we only had sex three times during our marriage. He doesn't seem to care for intimacy. I ask him if he feels attracted to me and he says yes. This whole dynamic is making me lust over other men who I encounter on a daily basis. This is depressing because I do not want to turn into some sex-starved nymphomaniac.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to the forum. I have a few questions so we can try to help you.

Did you have premarital sex with your husband? If you did, was it much more frequent before you got married?

Have you been able to express your feelings to him? Are you able to tell him that even though his needs are ok, yours are not being met? Have you told him you are scared of developing feelings for other men because your sexual needs are not being taken care of?

Open communication is key here. If you haven't had it yet, the time to start is now.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Sadly, according to what I have read and heard, the male having a low interest in sex in a couple is almost as common as marriages were the female is the low sex drive member of the couple. Not as common, but so the stereotype is that females are low drive to the males being disappointed.

There is plenty of discussion on the topic in many places.

None of that will help your particular issue.

The frequency of sex within a couple is only a problem if it is a problem to one of the two people in that couple. Since more sex with your husband would keep you satisfied and out of trouble, it would be good for him to help you out.

Have you discussed this with your husband? The fact you are feeling horny and want more sex? The fact you are feeling horny and beginning to lust after other men because he isn't taking care of you?

Or are you unable to say such a thing to him?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

have you told him that you need more sex than the 3 times you two have had it? Communication is key here. If you two were so mismatched in the sex department, why did you marry him?

I would let him know that you are sex starved and you want to let him know that you plan to get your needs met by another man or men if he doesn't do something about it. 

Wow, woman; your honeymoon stage sucked rocks!! I don't see hope for your marriage, sadly. Cut your losses if the threat of opening the marriage doesn't move his Low sex drive arse! You need a more compatible spouse/partner; this one was a terrible match.


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## serenity22 (Apr 25, 2017)

Spicy said:


> Welcome to the forum. I have a few questions so we can try to help you.
> 
> Did you have premarital sex with your husband? If you did, was it much more frequent before you got married?
> 
> ...



I have had sex only twice with him before marriage. When I bring up the topic, he says that he shows his love through buying me the things that I want (his way of showing affection). I have confided to him about my lust towards other men and how it is getting out of hand. He said its simply my attempt at making him feel jealous and that it is my problem to deal with. Is this a rare occurrence with men???


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

serenity22 said:


> Is this a rare occurrence with men???


It is a rare occurrence period from both husbands or wives! Please leave him. I have a feeling he is not into you or may not be into women period. Maybe he is not into men either, but that is no longer your problem. He has flat out told you to do whatever you want. 

So, by all means set yourself free as of yesterday. File a legal separation or get his consent to open the marriage in writing so he won't divorce you under false pretense and seek a new and much better sexual match. 

Welcome to the single and seeking life!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Surely there is a low drive woman who wants him, and a high drive man who wants you. Time to make the switch!


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

serenity22 said:


> I have had sex only twice with him before marriage. When I bring up the topic, he says that he shows his love through buying me the things that I want (his way of showing affection). I have confided to him about my lust towards other men and how it is getting out of hand. *He said its simply my attempt at making him feel jealous and that it is my problem to deal with. Is this a rare occurrence with men???*


The bolded is pretty alarming IMO- he is minimizing your feelings and showing very little care and concern for your needs. Does he show this little care for you in other areas of your marriage?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> Surely there is a low drive woman who wants him, and a high drive man who wants you. Time to make the switch!


This.

This is so frequent a problem expressed by men, those of us more lusty men who are married to far less lusty ladies (the usual scenario) are always flabbergasted to hear this. Since so many men are HD it's always a shock when that rare gem of an HD woman ends up with a LD husband. Incomprehensible. :slap:

It's almost like you have a duty to rectify this. In the end, it could be a big improvement in the lives of four people. :wink2:

(please don't take this too literally--as though I'm supporting bailing too easily and/or demeaning the sanctity of marriage--just reinforcing that this is something to think about. Just hoping things will get better, you will find the years go by quickly and before you know it, your best years will be behind you and you'll have precious few positive memories to look back on)


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I am sorry your husband has such a calloused disregard for your needs.

I had a lab partner in school once who used to complain her boyfriend wouldn't have sex with her any more. She told me she went home one day and spread a plastic drop cloth on the floor and had ice cream sitting near and was playing with whipped cream and nothing else when he walked in the door, and he yelled at her for bothering him. Yeah, men are the problem sometimes.

There are a lot of theories why. Some articles suggest there might be pornography involved. Some say a physical issue.

But in your case it does sound like your husband just doesn't care. So even if there is some issue which could be solved, it can't be if you can't get him to care. So how do you get him to want to change? The only way is to appeal to him in order to save your marriage, I think. Doesn't he want to save your marriage?

Or will he just say you aren't serious?


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

> When I bring up the topic, he says that he shows his love through buying me the things that I want (his way of showing affection).


Ah, one of those. Okay, so he doesn't know what love is. Take that as a warning.



> I have confided to him about my lust towards other men and how it is getting out of hand.


Points for being upfront about it. I imagine those words bounced right off his forehead.



> He said its simply my attempt at making him feel jealous and that it is my problem to deal with.


Well, not to put _too_ fine a point on it, but he'll have a bigger problem to deal with if he doesn't start taking care of things at home.



> Is this a rare occurrence with men???


I have no idea. All I can tell you is that it goes both ways. For the life of me I can't understand why some men can't take care of their wives properly.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

serenity22 said:


> I know that it is quite common for the ladies to experience a lack of interest in sex, but what about the men? I have been married to my husband for 1.5 years (we are both 28 years of age) and we only had sex three times during our marriage. He doesn't seem to care for intimacy. I ask him if he feels attracted to me and he says yes. This whole dynamic is making me lust over other men who I encounter on a daily basis. This is depressing because I do not want to turn into some sex-starved nymphomaniac.


Get the book by MW Davis, the Sex Starved Wife. She will tell you that you are not alone, that there are things you can do within your control to change the situation for the better. 

I as a man was in a sex starved marriage and M W Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage helped save my marriage and show me how I could move forward into saving and changing my marriage.

Good luck. Work with your husband on rebuilding your marriage, but first figure out what you can do to change your circumstances for the better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

serenity22 said:


> I know that it is quite common for the ladies to experience a lack of interest in sex, but what about the men? I have been married to my husband for 1.5 years (we are both 28 years of age) and we only had sex three times during our marriage. He doesn't seem to care for intimacy. I ask him if he feels attracted to me and he says yes. This whole dynamic is making me lust over other men who I encounter on a daily basis. This is depressing because I do not want to turn into some sex-starved nymphomaniac.


We usually hear that men are ready for sex at a drop of the hat. But the fact is that this is not true for more men than most realize. The fact is that just as many men chose to make their marriage sexless, or near sexless, as women do. 

Here is a link to a thread that talks about this. It as information that might be very help to you. So I suggest that you read at least the first page or two.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

serenity22 said:


> I know that it is quite common for the ladies to experience a lack of interest in sex, but what about the men? I have been married to my husband for 1.5 years (we are both 28 years of age) and we only had sex three times during our marriage. He doesn't seem to care for intimacy. I ask him if he feels attracted to me and he says yes. This whole dynamic is making me lust over other men who I encounter on a daily basis. This is depressing because I do not want to turn into some sex-starved nymphomaniac.


I am going to suggest this but it may be complete rubbish - does he have erectile dysfunction that he is embarrassed to talk about. It only has to happen once or twice and it can be a long term stress issue. Just a thought.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Such things as Erectile Dysfunction, and the myriad of causes for that, are issues which you could work on. 

Somehow you need to get your husband on board with the idea that there is a problem, and then with being willing to work with you towards a solution.

That's the biggest issue, at first. Getting your husband to acknowledge this is a problem which needs to be solved.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

He doesn't desire you. He probably doesn't even love you. Make your exit plan. You will be miserable the rest of your life if you don't divorce. If you stay for years, you will have regret you waited so long and deprived yourself. A sexless marriage is grounds for divorce.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm kind of thinking you may be his 'beard.' It wouldn't be the first time a gay man was desperately trying to avoid facing his orientation and got married to a woman hoping it would all just work out in the end.

It's also possible he has low testosterone.

It's also possible he's asexual.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Unfortunately there are a significant minority of men who rarely want sex, and that can be really miserable for the women who marry them. It isn't talked about much, but its not all that uncommon.

If he has never shown much interest in sex, it may just be that is how he is "wired" and it may never get any better. 

If he is unwilling to try to improve things, you are really stuck. You can live like this, or you can divorce. Both are terrible options. Personally though I'd recommend divorce - living in a near sexless marriage is really miserable.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

serenity22 said:


> I have had sex only twice with him before marriage. When I bring up the topic, he says that he shows his love through buying me the things that I want (his way of showing affection). I have confided to him about my lust towards other men and how it is getting out of hand. *He said its simply my attempt at making him feel jealous and that it is my problem to deal with.* Is this a rare occurrence with men???


I find this to be more worrisome than the lack of sex. There could be a number of reasons, physical or psychological, for a lack of sex in a marriage--and it can often be fixed, if both partners love one another and are on board to fix the problem.

The bolded statement above concerns me because:

1) *It shows that he refuses to take your concerns seriously. * In a healthy relationship, partners listen to one another's concerns and takes them seriously, _even if these concerns seem irrational_. Even if my concern seems irrational to my partner, he still takes it seriously because it is very real to me, and if it is real to me, it has an impact on our relationship.

2) *He is trying to invalidate your feelings.* This is related to item number one. He is basically telling you that your feelings don't matter, that your feelings are irrelevant to him. In a healthy relationship, we care about how our partner is feeling. Because we care about our partner. Whenever I see my partner, we ask one another how our day was. Not because it's really interesting subject matter, but because that conversation tells us how on another is doing: happy? sad? frustrated? Because we care.

3) *He is refusing to take ownership of his role in this problem. * He is refusing to acknowledge that him not sexing up a wife is creating a problem in his marriage, when he CLEARLY is failing in his role as husband. Look, even if you guys are super religious, even the Bible says it's his job to sex up his wife on a regular basis. Either he is an idiot, or he's trying to manipulate you by refusing to recognize that at least 50% of the fault in this situation lies with him. And I will bet a lot of money that he's not an idiot. In a healthy relationship, partners are getting up in each other and sexing one another up on the regular (health issues aside). But more importantly, healthy adults accept responsibility for the role they play in creating problems in their relationship(s).

4) *He refuses to be an active participant in fixing the problem.* If there is a problem in a relationship, it takes both partners working together to fix it. Even if the problem is legitimately only one partner's problem/fault/whatever, in a healthy relationship, partners work together to come to a solution and solve the problem. When you're a team, that is what you do: you work as a team to solve problems. When you're a team, there is no such thing as "her problems" and "his problems", because you are supposed to be in it TOGETHER.

He is showing you who he really is, and he is NOT a good partner for you, or for anybody, really. You are stuck in a sexless marriage with a man who is insensitive to your needs and feelings in the relationship, who abandons you to fend for yourself when your needs are unmet and you are justifiable upset. You can try to drag his butt to marriage counseling and see if you guys can fix this marriage, but he is going to have to make a lot of changes for that to happen, and I don't think he will be willing to do that, because he's made it clear that he thinks that you're the problem. And if that what you really want to live with? You deserve better than that.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

serenity22 said:


> I know that it is quite common for the ladies to experience a lack of interest in sex, but what about the men? I have been married to my husband for 1.5 years (we are both 28 years of age) and we only had sex three times during our marriage. He doesn't seem to care for intimacy. I ask him if he feels attracted to me and he says yes. This whole dynamic is making me lust over other men who I encounter on a daily basis. This is depressing because I do not want to turn into some sex-starved nymphomaniac.


28 and sex 3 times in 1.5years? At 27, I typically have sex with my partner 3 times in 1-2 days. I couldn't even live with sex 1/week much less a few times per year. Were those 3 times even enjoyable? Are you certain he may not be gay or do you think he's just asexual? 

If he has zero interest in attempting to fix this, what exactly do you plan to do? It's not realistic to think you can have a healthy marriage without sex for the next 5, 10, 20 years...


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> I find this to be more worrisome than the lack of sex. There could be a number of reasons, physical or psychological, for a lack of sex in a marriage--and it can often be fixed, if both partners love one another and are on board to fix the problem.
> 
> The bolded statement above concerns me because:
> 
> ...


Wow. What a comprehensive yet concise, and very well thought out and informative post. It's so easy to fixate on a symptom, but this goes more direct to the actual sickness and explains it along with the ramifications. Well done!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

serenity22 said:


> I have had sex only twice with him before marriage. When I bring up the topic, he says that he shows his love through buying me the things that I want (his way of showing affection). I have confided to him about my lust towards other men and how it is getting out of hand. He said its simply my attempt at making him feel jealous and that it is my problem to deal with. Is this a rare occurrence with men???


It is not common, but it is abusive.

He is right about one thing though. It is your problem to deal with. Deal with it by serving him papers.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

get out now before you waste 20yrs trying to figure it out only to realize you wasted 20yrs.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

Excellent chance he's gay.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's likely either gay or has a 'condition' of some sort. The best thing you can do at this point is find a therapist, and go - by yourself. The therapist will help you with specific examples of what's going on and lead you to better understand what it really is. She can then help you take steps to either deal with it or find another solution.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Just in case it hasn't been suggested, divorce. This man will never be the kind of lover you want, need, desire, deserve. Never ever ever. And life is way too short to be stuck with a dud.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Wow. What a comprehensive yet concise, and very well thought out and informative post. It's so easy to fixate on a symptom, but this goes more direct to the actual sickness and explains it along with the ramifications. Well done!


Thanks. Much of what we see as problems in relationships are not really the problems, but rather symptoms of the actual problems. The actual problems are not always readily apparent, and are not always easily solved.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I know this very well.. We dated for 2 years-- sex was fine-- I was happy. Then after we got married things changed. He didn't desire it as much.. I thought it was me or he was gay.. Then porn every now and then popped up. Even on our honeymoon it was odd BUT just thought ok, weddings are stressful just rest for now. We have been married almost 20 years and 2 kids later. There isn't a sex life at all!!! None!! I thought it would get better but it didn't. Now I believe he just got too comfortable in the marriage to work at our sex life AND he has also been recently diagnosed with anxiety which may have a part in it too.

If you are questioning this now please talk with him about this or even a therapist.. Especially before you start having kids. Once kids and more responsibilities come, it will seem impossible for him.


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## bullyisback (May 23, 2017)

U may have his testosterone checked. Believe it or not I had low test at 28 and they gave me cream. I think its just lazy not to touch ur spouse. After my text was figured out... I started wearing her lil thing out. We have agreed that sex is important. We both have accts on chat rooms to talk naughty to others to get out of our system. Lets face it the people u will meet on sites like this u won't ever see. Misrep themselves they are on the other side of the country so its fun to have her talk to someone get dripping wet and wake me up with a blow job. I would rather that happen then us cheat. We did have discussions sharing each other in a threesome. Have not gotten to that yet but if it happens ill be ok with it because I agreed to it. There has to be a sexual fulfillment. I want to encourage my wife to be happy and look at me with desire. So I let her have her fun. She has private chsts about eating out females while guys screw her brains out. And I will do the same with a female I meet online. Its hot to me to look over n see her with one hand in her pants no-one in the other and later tell me to lose the pants. So u being horny and needing that is normal. Im not telling u to cheat(some consider we cheat by talking) just her a mutual agreement or let him know u need this not want but need this from him. Hopefully things will work out. Sex is important 

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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Anon Pink said:


> Just in case it hasn't been suggested, divorce. This man will never be the kind of lover you want, need, desire, deserve. Never ever ever. And life is way too short to be stuck with a dud.


This ^^^^

I am also going to assume that the few times you have had sex, it was with the lights off, under the blankets, minimal if any foreplay, missionary position and last maybe 2 minutes. 

There is no hope here of him becoming a good lover even if therapy and counseling etc can improve your statistics by 100% and bumps you up to half a dozen times over an 18 month period. 

There is just too much of a spread between him and a normal, healthy, heterosexual male with an intact sex drive. I'm 53 and I'd be good for hot porn sex a few times a week,,,,,, not a few times in a year and a half. To be this way as a 28 year old man, I doubt if there is anything you can do that will make him become a man of passion. 

If you want to live a sexless and passionless existence with no romantic/sexual intimacy, then keep doing what you're doing. 

If you want to have an active and robust sex life, you are going to have to find someone else. He is likely a lost cause. I am sorry.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

serenity22 said:


> I know that it is quite common for the ladies to experience a lack of interest in sex, but what about the men? I have been married to my husband for 1.5 years (we are both 28 years of age) and we only had sex three times during our marriage. He doesn't seem to care for intimacy. I ask him if he feels attracted to me and he says yes. This whole dynamic is making me lust over other men who I encounter on a daily basis. This is depressing because I do not want to turn into some sex-starved nymphomaniac.




He may be depressed. When my husband went through a really hard and stressful time at work we didn't have sex for two months and we r very active sexually. He was never remotely interested in it at all, never even got erections. I got him to talk to me, vent, and it got a bit better, the stress lowered and he is back to being him. If it's chronic long term depression meds can help him feel better and his sex drive should return. 


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