# Going through counseling....during the divorce process.



## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

Have any of you experienced couples counseling while going through a divorce? If so, what was the outcome?

As many of you who have read my previous posts are aware, my wife filed for the divorce a month ago. I was on the verge of filing (we've been separated 18 months and had gone through extensive counseling prior to the separation), but my wife beat me to filing...which was fine with me, because of the unresolved issues. 

However, our church recently got a new pastor and even though he knows 1) we've been through extensive counseling before 2) Been separated for 18 months now. and 3) The divorce was filed a month ago; he still wants my wife and I to give him a chance to counsel us for (24) 1-hour sessions. He met with me and I explained MANY of the unresolved issues that the last counseling sessions couldn't resolve and I didn't want to bring everything up and start the whole process over again in couples counseling. He explained we wouldn't bring up the past, he would only coach us, whether we got back together in this relationship OR help us resolve our individual issues, to assist in making any future relationships with someone else successful. I told him I was very apprehensive, but said I would at least come to the first session to see what it was like. If at any point I felt it was rehashing our issues and/or making things bad again, then I would cease coming.

My wife met with him for over 3 hours and basically had reservations about attending as well, but agreed too. Our 16 yr old son and 18 yr old daughter weren't happy about the sessions and refused to meet with the pastor one on one themselves, because they're sick of hearing about the issues/ divorce and want it over with. They're concerned the counseling will only stir everything up again.

I prefer to accept things as they are with the divorce and move forward to it's finalization and begin a new life. I'll go, even though I told the pastor I didn't know if my heart would be in it...but I'll go to at least learn to better myself, if nothing else...because as far as I'm concerned our 22 year marriage is OVER and I don't think (because of past history and issues), that any counseling tools used will be lasting...to make our relationship work. We'll see.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I've heard of counseling during a divorce. 

However, this kind of counseling is different I assume. I woud give it a try...although you both sound as if your marriage is dead. Maybe it will help shed some light. Give it 4 sessions, and if you feel like it's not useful information or rehashing old lessons than bail. You've made is clear to the pastor prior. 

I have to commend your pastor....he's very persuasive and gutsy.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I agree with Corpus and I wish I could find a pastor as positive as he is. I see your member name is Malibu is this pastor anywhere near Malibu California?


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

Believe,

Sorry, but my member name comes from the Malibu boat that I own. I'm in Tennessee.

I wish you the best in finding a pastor/counselor that can help you in whatever you're going through.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Let us know how the counseling goes. I am expecting that he will be a TAD bit resistant! ha


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

Today was our first session. My W and I met with the pastor today. He said over the next 24 sessions he would cover the Spiritual, Emotional, Physical and Sexual attributes/needs of a marriage relationship. He began with the Spiritual today, which included the Love chapter in 1 Corinthians.

He gave us a couple of assignments to complete, before the next session and explained that some assignments may be very difficult to do, but encouraged us to stay with the process.

We'll see...it's a long road ahead of us and neither of us are ready/willing to stop the divorce process...yet. 

I'm still skeptical, because of the many past counseling sessions that didn't work out or stick.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My pseudo-wife (separated for a year, have gone through mediation) and I attended 'pre-divorce' counseling. We did so with our marriage counselor for roughly 3 sessions. This was back in February. The goal was making sure that each of us understood the expectations and had a dynamic for interaction once our marriage was being dissolved.

I will also stress that our marriage counselor has a very long history with us, in both individual and marriage counseling. 

I don't think there is anything wrong with attending. But ... I would also pull the plug when it became apparent that what was going on was a pedestrian effort to not let the marriage fail, as opposed to the pastor being invested in what is actually best for each of you.

It's up to you to decide if you are better served with having support in how you will interact as a divorced couple, or putting in more effort to prevent becoming a divorced couple in the first place.

One of our primary reasons for considering 'not' moving ahead is financial.
However, it also seems the longer we have waited, the relationship has slipped into a bizarre part-time marriage. Consequently, nobody actually moves on.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

That is a great approach.. I like the sound of this pastor. I wish I had one like that. It's almost like the love dare..


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You never know what happens when you get GOD involved!

I could have used a pastor like yours!!!


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

I agree, that miracles can happen in a marriage, when God is given a chance. Our marriage has been virtually destroyed by MANY issues and we are both over it....but reluctantly agreed to give our new pastor a try, at his request.

The challenge will be for my W to overcome her anger and bad attitude that has driven me (and on the verge of driving our son) away. She denies she has it and/or won't change...so unless that one issue (among a few others) is resolved, the marriage won't survive...

I care for her and love her, but I cannot continue to tolerate living with her under these conditions. Hopefully, a miracle will occur for both of us.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Anger is a tough issue to overcome. It is probably good that you don't have to live with her that way. 

Anger is her way of expressing pain. Not a productive way, but it's the same way that my husband has expressed his pain. 

Forgiveness will need to take place at some point. I am praying for a miracle!!


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

Thank you Corpuswife.

Most of my W anger comes from her tragic childhood. She was molested for several years by a father figure and raised in a very mentally/verbally abusive home. Her real dad committed suicide. Through the years we were married, she went through a lot of counseling for all this, but the anger (she denies), still sadly remains. She says she has forgiven the ones who have hurt her, but still seems to hang onto the wrongs...

Thanks for the prayers. We'll see.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I don't think she has let the pain go and the anger is a product of it.. I hope you guys take this challenge seriously. It's going to help you look at everything differently. It has for me with the love dare. I'm almost done and my pastor on Monday told me there are other ones if I want to continue and I found a 50 day one... I need a lot of help


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

Thanks Loving Husband. I agree she hasn't let the pain go and it's adversely affecting the relationship with her family, especially hers and mine (and my health)...and has ever since we got married 22 years ago. I had enough. 

I wish this were the ONLY issue, unfortunately, there are others, that have/are destroying our relationship. A few months after we separated, I took her (on a date night), to see the Love Dare in theaters. We both enjoyed it and even bought the book. However, it didn't go much farther. Much of the reason is because of the deep issues, I didn't want to go back to counseling and start the process (that didn't work before), all over again. Since her past has played a role in affecting our relationship, the counselor would dredge it up again and make her/us relive it...and it didn't resolve anything, but just make things worse to some degree.

I was reluctantly willing to give the new pastor a try, only if none of the past was brought up. Unfortunately, I have also played a role in destroying our marriage, so I can't place all the blame on her. 

It's a long road ahead and we may/may not have a successful reconciliation from this. We're taking it one day at a time.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Progress will only happen if "BOTH" of you guys let the past be the past and stop effecting the future. I know its hard but the only way to move forward is that way. Whether its together or apart. Unresolved issues will plague future relationships. That's why people who been married before and now struggle in a current marriage have issues. People don't make the changes on their side to improve and the patterns repeat. You know that if you loved your wife before you can love her and her vise versa. It will take a lot of compassion and forgiveness on both sides. Somebody has to do it.. Why don't you start and see how she responds. Yes it isn't easy but nothing worth fighting for is...


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

I agree with you Loving Husband, unless we resolve our own issues we'll only carry them into the next relationship (as baggage), and start the whole process over again...to contribute to another failed relationship. I'm certainly working on myself and moving forward.

I'm working on following through on the exercises the pastor gives me...and it's NOT easy, because of the damage, pain and resentment.

Btw. How are things progressing on your end?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I think in time you will see that once the issues fall by the wayside the feelings you had will come back.. The "in love" feeling only happens when you nurture it.. It can return.. It's not going to be asy.. The damage and resentment can be replaced "IF" you allow it..

As for me.. Well I think my wife is slowly coming around. my goal is to be consistant with loving her. I am close to the end of the love dare and near then end it has helped me.. Either way I am getting stronger. The fact she has now come back to sleeping in our bed and I am touching her in loving ways and she is looking for it is very positive. I think if I don't get a response soon I will pull back and make her wonder why I stopped.. I will only enble her if I continue to give only.. Still this weekend alone without me will be a test if we can go to the next level. I like the fact she put our wedding sone as my personal ringtone.. Positive steps..


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

Unfortunately, we haven't had much of a loving relationship in our 22 yrs together, so it will be very difficult to get something back, that we never had. Not only do we need to let the past die, but there are relationship/love killers (she denies), that continue to plaque our relationship going forward. Because of this, it's hard for love to grow and nurture. It's very frustrating...

I'm glad to hear things are looking up in your relationship and hope they continue to do so. Sounds like your wife is responding well. I wish you the best.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Well the pastor might help with the loving aspect. You might be surprised how with a little guidance can help look at things differently.. Something you never had you might find. Trust the process and let everything go and see what happens. What is the worst that can happen?? you fail and your marriage ends?? Sounds like your there now..


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