# Alcoholic Husband: Need help making amends



## stupad

I've been working on my drinking issues for several months now. I think of it as a wild monster that used to take up the entire room I've tamed to be just in the corner. So, I still need to work on this but have made progress (Well, according to me).

That said, my wife is pretty fed up. She's been 'harping' on me to goto AA for months. Which I have resented in the past, but now accept that she 'nagged' me out of love (and not out of controlling - which is a whole diffferent thread). I'm going to a meeting tomorrow to get this started.

I know she needs time since only my future actions (no drinking) will help her/me/us to heal. But, does anyone have any advice as to what else I can be doing? I shared with her some of the topics discussed in my IC session, but I think that backfired. We have a MC session tonight (and I'm feeling like I will be stepping into the lion's den - she's had IC with this guy and I think I'm marked as a target). Any thoughts would be appreciated. She has put the anger aside (for now). 

I pray for patience in everything in my life.


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## Prodigal

Is your wife in Al-Anon? Sounds to me that she's trying to control your recovery, or as we say in the rooms, "work your side of the street."

AA is a place where you can take what you need and leave the rest. And you may find that you need to hear a lot of stuff from recovering A's and start working the steps. When an A stops drinking, it doesn't mean that everything gets better. The problems masked by the drinking, the problem(s) that underlie the drinking, still remain.

Thus, the steps, a sponsor, and working a program to maintain recovery and get a real life.

Your wife should give Al-Anon a try. Sure, she's angry about your drinking. But truth be told, she has issues of her own, and they can be understood and addressed in a room full of folks who have had similar life situations.

JMO.

P.S. - Making amends takes time. Just be prepared that not everyone to whom you make amends will accept it. Making amends is for you, not them.


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## stupad

Prodigal. . . thanks for your post. I've been hearing more and more that AA is 'take what you need and leave the rest' which is contrary to what I originally thought.

Yes, my wife has very much wanted to control my recovery (and everything else in my life/my family). She has said in the past couple of days that it is something that I have to do. She even said, "I don't mean to throw it (recovery) back in your lap" - which sounds like she thought she was controlling it at some point.

She is doing Al-Anon. Which, as my therapist pointed out, is why any progress I have made is not acknowledged by her - it's all or nothing (which i get).

And I know this will take time. I'm just feeling desperate for a short cut and get this behind me. (and I know it's not all that simple)


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## stupad

And she told me that there's nothing else in our marriage that we can work on until the drinking stops. Which i kinda get - but then again, I am not drunk 24/7. But as the sick one in this, I don't really have a voice until I'm all better. I guess this is the bed that I made.


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## trey69

Its good if she is attending Alanon meetings, those meetings will probably be very helpful and benefit her greatly. She also might want to check out the book, Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. It can be a real eye opener.


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## ItHappenedToMe

Stu, the biggest things will be a) occupying your time in new ways and b) relearning a lot of words/phrases to replace the ones indicating drinking. 

For instance, 1 fl oz is not a shot. It's an ounce. 

There's tons of stuff to relearn, to re-associate with non-drinking behaviors. 

There will be activities, too. How will you handle all the thing you used to do while drinking. Like clubbing? Will it tempt you to drink? Probably. Nice restaurants - how will you go replace the mixed drinks or wine you are accustomed to having? Ball games/sports on TV - what changes will you make to go without a brew? (same with hot summer days). 

A large part of our society is geared to drinking, and you have to find ways to avoid the temptation. And that usually means your spouse/friends not drinking either.

On our 20th anniv my H told me to feel free to have a drink if I wished, that I did not need to abstain for him. Every time previous he has jonesed for a drink 'but this is a nice place! but it's our anniversary!' I was delighted he reached this point. 

It's easy to make excuses, there are a lot of lies in your head to unlearn. 

Keep us posted!


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## stupad

ItHappened... thanks for your post. It's always good to hear advice from those that have gone through it. It's been over 2 weeks for me now and a lot of what you said makes perfect sense. I find myself really thinking about what I'll do when I get home (or - if there's another meeting I'll go to), activites to get involved in etc. I do find that I have been really tired (in a good way tired - like a healthy tired) and I've read that this is part of the healing process. My biggest obstacle has been staying 'on my side of the street' (as they say) and not getting sucked into my wife's process for dealing with this. I hate to say it and I know it sounds selfish, but I have to take care of myself first (or else all else is for naught, right??).

I honestly feel so little desire to drink - it feels a bit miraculous - yet, I remain very cautiously optimistic . . . I anticipate that there will be many difficult tests in the future (hopefully I'm wrong).

Thanks again . . . glad to hear about your husband!


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