# Expecting too much? Online dating. He hasn't spoken in a week



## rocknrolla (Jun 14, 2015)

I belong to a paid dating site and got talking to this one guy a few weeks ago. Conversation has been going great and last Sunday we decided to skype. It went really well and we both seemed to find each other attractive from what we saw.

After we got off skype he messaged me saying he hasn’t felt this mentally and physically attracted to a girl in a long time (from what he knows about me), and he couldn’t wait to talk again. I said I was going to sleep but we would speak the next day. He said this sounded great.

We haven’t yet exchanged numbers, I guess he wanted to just get to know each other more, so the only form of contact I have had is via Skype chat and the dating site. I sent him a message on the dating site to which I got no reply (although he hasn’t been online since the last day we spoke).

So I guess my question is is this normal? I know we are just talking but i found it weird he said he felt a real connection and has not been in contact for a week. Also, if he messages me at the weekend would you act normal? I know I can be impatient sometimes, but if I’m getting to know someone i would like to talk more than just once a week.

Before Skype date he had done this before also. He only seems to message through the site at weekends. Thoughts?


----------



## AACoupledUp (Feb 3, 2016)

This can mean a multitude of things.
He could be married, he may not have much money - meaning he can't afford a phone. Or a personal computer of his own with his own wifi connection. He could be using a public computer. ETC a list of things.

The only thing you can do is ASK him about it the next time he actually responds. Don't act like it doesn't bother you. Be honest and address the issue. Otherwise this pattern will continue and lead to a dead road. Best Wishes!


----------



## rocknrolla (Jun 14, 2015)

From what i know he has a phone and a very good job. The married thing crossed my mind, but according to him he is divorced and has been for a while and he lives alone. Last time he said he had just had a busy week. It just seems kind of strange you know?


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Anything goes with online dating and trying to figure out a stranger's motives and meanings is somewhat pointless. You haven't invested that much in this yet, so just look for other guys who might also be a potential match.

I tried online dating when it first started. After doing it for several months, I came to the conclusion that lots of guys do what I call "romancing the screen." I had several guys who started sounding genuinely interested in me, but they'd suddenly go dark. I think they built up in their minds what they expected me to be. When I suddenly didn't meet those expectations, for whatever reason, they moved on to another fantasy.

Actually, who cares what someone tells you in their texts, emails, tweets, or whatever. Watch their actions. Heck, with his lack of availability, he could be married for all you know.


----------



## AACoupledUp (Feb 3, 2016)

Hmmm, " he hasn’t felt this mentally and physically attracted to a girl in a long time " but yet he's too busy?! 
Seems weird, and not in a good way, lol. Keep your options open, find someone who is clear in what he wants. Don't waste valuable time.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You are not dating, you are chatting to a random just as we all are here on TAM.

My suggestion FWIW is to meet after a couple of chats, not weeks of chatting then meet. Meeting IRL is the only way to gauge if it is worth investing more of your time.


----------



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Through my experience, lots of people on dating websites are doing just that: dating LOTS of people. I wouldn't worry too much IF you hear from him soon. If you don't, move on and find someone else who is a better match. 

Maybe he's freaking out that YOU aren't interested, so he's backed off? Just a thought. 

Is there a reason why you haven't met in person yet?


----------



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

If he DOES contact you, I'd bring up the possibility of at least exchanging numbers so you guys can see where this goes. If he isn't up for that, maybe it's time to find a better match.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He is either busy with work, or busy chatting up the other ten ladies that he is "mentally and physically attracted to." Don't be fooled so easily. The online dating thing is pretty crazy. I'm glad I'm out of it. But I did meet my current lady like that, so it does work.... Just gotta be cool about it and realize you're not the only lady he's interested in, most likely. Especially if you have t met IRL.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I chat with at least 3 women at any given time, it gets crazy after 3… hard to maintain conversations...

Most I have dated was three at a time and then they start dropping you.

Sometimes I lose interest and give up old altogether for a month or so, even when conversations are going for weeks I will just drop them.

If someone isn't making an effort to actually meet after a week I don't put to much effort into holding a conversation, I will continue them but hell if I'm going to keep dead ends alive.

"Giggity Giggity!"


----------



## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

OP , yes you are expecting too much this soon. Have patience , try to be yourself and try not to come off as desperate. 
Like any dating process, one step at a time is best . If he has a real interest , he will be in touch . If not think of it as his loss ...


----------



## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

rocknrolla said:


> From what i know he has a phone and a very good job. The married thing crossed my mind, but according to him he is divorced and has been for a while and he lives alone. Last time he said he had just had a busy week. It just seems kind of strange you know?


Don't confuse what you've heard with what you know. If and when you meet him in person you can begin to put more weight in what he tells you but even then keep one eye open. 

Actions speak louder than words. Much louder.


----------



## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

As a man who does OLD sometimes, the long periods of email/chatting without meeting in person does lead to unrealistic expectations. You like what you hear/see but since you havent met, your imagination fills in the blanks with all positives. And then, after a while the "person" gets a bit stale and you find someone new to chat with. That is why you need to meet him, or anyone, for coffee or a drink, like 30-45 minutes, within a couple weeks. 

I have found many people enjoy the attention of getting the nice messages, but are not ready to deal with an actual relationship. 

Also, it is very likely he is dating others. 

I have learned to expect NOTHING from OLD until you have met and then date. It is much less stressful if you really do not expect anything out of it then if something fun does come you just enjoy it. After that if it is a good match it should just evolve naturally. Two people who want to see each other WILL make it a priority. You are nowhere near that point with this guy yet. Keep your options open.


----------



## rocknrolla (Jun 14, 2015)

He came back yesterday saying he had had kidney stones and had to go to the hospital to get them surgically removed.

He chatted for a good hour or so saying he really missed talking to me, really like me and blah blah blah, and he was going to get something to eat and then we would talk again….and he never contacted me the rest of the night.

I guess my question is if you are getting to know someone, how long would you leave it before thinking this behavior may be a pattern? I don’t want to jump to conclusions but it seems he says things and then doesn’t follow through. I am wondering if he contacts again if i should just ignore him.


----------



## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

rocknrolla said:


> I guess my question is if you are getting to know someone, how long would you leave it before thinking this behavior may be a pattern? I don’t want to jump to conclusions but it seems he says things and then doesn’t follow through. I am wondering if he contacts again if i should just ignore him.


Pattern established. Throw this one back in the pond.


----------



## rocknrolla (Jun 14, 2015)

I think i agree. I will never understand why men do this.


----------



## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

rocknrolla said:


> I think i agree. I will never understand why men do this.


He's selfish, inconsiderate, you are low on his list of priorities. 

Could he act differently if you became an important person in his life? Maybe, but he's still selfish, probably dishonest, and unreliable and those sorts of things don't go away.


----------



## rocknrolla (Jun 14, 2015)

Yeah. If you could see some of the stuff he said. I was stupid enough to believe it. I feel like if someone was that interested we would have dates set and be talking lots more.


----------



## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

rocknrolla said:


> Yeah. If you could see some of the stuff he said. I was stupid enough to believe it. I feel like if someone was that interested we would have dates set and be talking lots more.


It's more than just being interested. He blew you off for a week and comes back with a lame excuse about kidney stones. He says he'll call you later and you don't hear from him.

That says plenty about his character.


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

OLD sounds exhausting.

I have been tempted to sign on...but I know I am not ready. It sounds like this guy isn't ready either...but signed on anyway probably to deal with loneliness. He's probably not capable of taking much on.


----------



## AACoupledUp (Feb 3, 2016)

rocknrolla said:


> He came back yesterday saying he had had kidney stones and had to go to the hospital to get them surgically removed.
> 
> He chatted for a good hour or so saying he really missed talking to me, really like me and blah blah blah, and he was going to get something to eat and then we would talk again….and he never contacted me the rest of the night.
> 
> I guess my question is if you are getting to know someone, how long would you leave it before thinking this behavior may be a pattern? I don’t want to jump to conclusions but it seems he says things and then doesn’t follow through. I am wondering if he contacts again if i should just ignore him.


Please value yourself more. RUN! Unless this is what you think you deserve.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

The problem with online chatting and not meeting yet is that your not a real person yet. Your just words on a screen. Those words will still be there next time he logs on. 

Regardless of what you chat about, there's no true physical connection yet. Well, some people get into some deep emotional interactions just by chatting, but he's not there yet it seems. 

On the other hand, he could be playing you. And he knows you'll always be on the other side of the screen at his choosing. And as long as you continue doing the "pick me!" Dance for him, he has no reason to make himself more available to you. Your doing that for him already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

All this IMing and Skyping and WEEKS of vetting is ridiculous too me.

You have no idea who this person is behind the computer screen regardless of what they say. 

After 2-3 interactions, ask them out for a cup of coffee and 30 mins of their time in a public place.

That will tell you EVERYTHING you need to know as to whether they are worth your time and effort.

Eyes don't lie, body language doesn't lie and you can tell in 30 seconds whether there is chemistry.

OLD is just a foot in the door. Stop hanging out in the hallway and come inside once in a while.


----------



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Dating is supposed to be your best side forward. Assume that the actual is actually worse than what you see. If he disappears after a skype chat, then you don't want him. 

Move on.


----------



## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

lexis said:


> He's selfish, inconsiderate, you are low on his list of priorities.
> 
> Could he act differently if you became an important person in his life? Maybe, but he's still selfish, probably dishonest, and unreliable and those sorts of things don't go away.


This says more about you than it does about the person OP has not even met yet and quite possibly had kidney stones.


----------

