# need help/guidence/impartial advice.



## up in the air

my husband has a fetish that i have recently discovered the full extent of, despite some aspects being introduced into our relationship (at particularly vunerable times for me, for example when i was post partum after the birth of our first child) that i wasn't told about at the begining of our relationship and to some degree i now feel that our whole relationship and now marriage which i thought was happy, has been based on a lie. 

the fetish that my husband has is for being a diaper lover and he has been wearing nappies and urinating in them, and leaving the used nappies in our marital bedroom without my knowladge as they were hidden underneath his computer desk. his computer had to go upstairs when we moved into our new house last year and so over that time period he has been spending increasingly amounts of time up there engaging in his fetish of which i had little or no knowladge of.
this is information that has only come to light in the last week.

He raised the idea of me wearing a nappies for him in the first month of our marriage five years ago and it was also the last month of my pregnancy. i participated after some convincing as sometimes in a marriage i felt at the time that you try something once even if you feel it wont be for you. he seemed fine that i'd tried it and didn't enjoy it and it wasn't raised agaiin untill after our child was born and i was post partum and we were looking to re start our sex life again after that break. i felt pressured but wore one again thinking that my hormones at the tail end of pregnancy had stoped me forming a proper opinion as to wether i liked it really or not. but after trying again i really did feel it wasn't my cup of tea and he seemed completley okay with that and the matter wasn't raised again and i felt happy with the sex life we went on to have despite the fact that my libido wasn't at the same level it was before the last month of pregnancy and after giving birth.(i feel understandably gien hormone changes my body was experiencing!!!)

i wasn't judgemental or even questioning as i though it was something that he had stumbled across and wanted to try a few times and i feel that i'm an understanding and open minded person. although i was relieved that he didn't want to force the issue anymore.

we went on and had a healthy sex life without this being raised again untill nearly 9 month later were at another period or vunerability for me personally after illness of a beloved family member that i again tried it a few times after pressure to do so and again felt that it wasn't for me. i felt guilty for that and did it once more but couldn't do what he wanted by urinating into the nappy for him and so i said it really wasn't for me. again he seemed okay with that and we moved on to having a sex life with the normal ebs and flows within a marriage and having a toddler in the house!!

we had a healthy sex life and tried and concieved a second child and this wasn't raised again and i felt that it was just "something" that he had wanted to re try. i had our second child and felt closer to my husband than ever as he was supportive through out a difficalt 3 day labour and i feel that he was a good husband and a fantastic father to our two children.

we then moved into a new home to have more space for the growing family and through a lack of reall space for his large computer desk his comouter has to go into the bedroom. over time this meant that we started spening more and more time away from each other in the evenings and this led to me discovering 6 weeks ago that he was on a chat site with the topic of nappy wearing being one of the main focuses. i felt hurt until he said that he wanted to not want it again as he knew i didn't like doing it when we tried it before and he didn't want to want it. i was supportive of him and gave him the space to explore but said i didn't want it to become a main drive for him sexually and not to form sexual attatchments to some one. to some degree i felt hurt and betrayed and buried my head in the sand regarding his desires as i was feerfull he would want to include me in them again.

during the next few weeks he appeared to be getting more distant with me which i put down to him trying to move past his desires and i decided to let him do that with as much space a she needed. never dreaming of what he was doing himself as him wearing them and urinating into them was never introduced to me in the past. he seemed to be also pulling back as a father and i was getting concerned.

however my focus was taken away as both children contracted a childhood illness and i was focussing on their health and medical needs. last week i entered our bedroom and found him pm a woman fromt the site something he knew i didn't want him to do. i was angry and upset but quickly calmed down and raised the issue as to why. he told me that he didn't want me doing anything sexually with regards to his disire for this and that he wanted to live a single life and later meet someone that could meet his needs, and that he didn't love me in the same way anymore. i was hurt and confussed and felt betrayed. but asked him to explain why and that if he felt that way he should leave.

he later withdrew that statement and offered councilling which i was prepared to accept. the next day before him going to work i asked him to write me something if he couldn't speak to me directly which would explain what was gooing on. he did and he read it to me on his return from work, in it he described that he felt it was a part of him that he wasn't able to control and he didn't want to. i felt that if that were the case he should leave and we set about organising how that should happen, acess to the children ect and at that time i felt that there was no issues regarding him having them every weekend.

he left the family home a day later and seemed desprate to take his computer and he them rang me and told me not to go under the desk in the bedroom as it wasn't pleasent and ghe would remove what was there.

having been smelling urine for weeks and assuming that the smell had come from the childrens bedroom despite me having cleaned them from top to bottom things clicked a little into place and i went up and discovered used condoms and used nappies. which he had left behind despite having left to go and live at his parents under his own steam as he was refussing at this point to even consider marriage councilling.

from searches myself and information that he later disclosed i became fearfull for the saftey of the children with regards to what they might be exposed to where they to go to him every weekend as i thought initially would be possible. everything seemed to point to the fact that they might come across his used nappies as he had even left the liying about in a home i lived in with him despite him saying that he had control over his fetish i felt he didn't and wanted to protect the children from fear that if i wasn't being seen to that they would be removed from my care. he later told me that he was had been doing this since he was a child himself and that feed into my dears even more that it was an addiction he wouldn't be able to control. 

i have started divorce proccedings and have insisted on supervised visits initially at least so that i can have peace of mind about the childrens immidiate saftey. but now i don't know if i have over analysed the information based on my own fears, as i would never hold the children as a tool for revenge which he accepts and he now says that he can understand my fears and wants councilling. 

i would like to be able to move passed this if it was possible and now that i have protected the children whether they need it or not i feel that i could move passed this with councilling nad him not doing anything ever again in relation to this activity. i could accept it in himm as a friend but not as a husband and i have said that to him and he seemed to accept this. he isn't willing though to stop talking to the friend he's made on the site but says he wants to move forward with me. i don't know if this is even possible or even if i would want to but i feel that it would be worth a try as i made vows to stand by him through better or worse and i don't want the children to suffer and not see their father as often as the always have in the past.

im so very very confussed and any advice or opinion would be greatly appriciated. appologies for this being so long. thank you.


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## Wisp

All I can say is, if divorce is the only option let it be. You need to let his parents know as he is moved in with them – this is out of respect for them. 

In the child custody clauses have the lawyer insert words to protect your kids as he will have access to them, did you take photos, you may need some evidence. 

Best wishes and be strong.


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## up in the air

thanks for the reply....
yeah im thinking that it may just end up in divorce and that is certainly what i have directed my lawyer to begin. i did take photos and my lawyer now has copies. 

his parents have found out and are being supportive of him as he is their son, but can also see why i am insisting on supervised visits at there house untill the contact centre has places. i believe that despite him saying that he wants conselling with me for our other relationship issues and sex therapy for himself that he is just saying that to get me to back down over the supervised visits, as i am sure he is still visiting the websites and chat sites.

thank you for your kind words, i am hoping to stay strong for the children if nothing else.


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## Chris Taylor

You certainly sound like someone who tried to understand his fetish, participated and was somewhat supportive of him. But now it's all about the kids.

You also don't sound like you want to hurt him.

Keep pushing him to counseling... not to "correct" or "fix" him, but so you can have peace of mind that the kids will be OK with him.


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