# Need a man's perspective



## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

So my husband is really a 'hands-on', do it yourself kind of guy.

This is a great benefit, because we never have to hire anyone to anything unless it's too big of a job.

But my husband resents when he's doing a task that only he can do, but he isn't kept company or helped.

For example: he was putting a new fan in our desktop computer and taking the whole thing apart etc. I was doing laundry, sweeping etc and he would occasionally call out with a frustrated tone of voice, I need some help over here. I stop what I'm doing and go help. One time it was to shine a flashlight, one time he needed to hand me a tool (of course that was funny because I was like 'this one?' 'no' 'this one?' 'no!' this one?' 'YES').

He is frustrated that I don't keep him company during this entire process (which was an hour+) and be able to assist him the moment he says it. (and it could be other tasks too, fixing the lawn mower, rewiring a light)

I am not lying on a sofa watching tv while he is working, I'm doing my own tasks + when he asks for help I respond either right away or acknowledge and say 'let me dry my hands and I'll be over'.

Should I just suck it up and sit next to him with a book while he works on stuff? I, of course, want to do my own jobs and I don't expect to be kept company while I do the laundry, cook dinner and so forth.

Thoughts from men, please.

(btw- he is the 'nice guy' through and through)


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Sorry, not a guy here, but I'm married to an engineer 

I hover -- not constantly, but I'm around, and I frequently comment on what he's doing. If he wants attention, then he wants attention.

As women, you and I know that our self-worth is not tied up in dong laundry, but I think for some men, self-worth is enhanced by being able to fix things. Why not just go with it?

Now, if he wants you there constantly, in a "nurse! Scalpel!" kind of way, that's a whole different thing, and I wouldn't like that either.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Is he 5 years old? I'm an engineer and I love fixing stuff in/out of the house. I don't need or want company while I'm working on the computer, mower, etc. If my W wants to hover, I'm okay with that, but I sure as shyte don't need her asking "this one, this one, this one?" in the toolbox for me.

Hand him the _Nice Guy _ book, tell him to read it, and then maybe you can get back to your own tasks.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It seems like a strange quirk that he has.
But what could possibly be the harm of making your husband feel good? In fact, why would laundry be more important than making your husband feel good? A great marital partner would think "if it's important to him, it's important to me" (and vice versa).


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

Thunderstruck- if I could MAKE him read it, I would. I have it open right now, perusing it, and I'm like, yes, yes, yes!

He literally wants me sitting right by him, waiting 20min for the 1min he needs help. I call BS. Especially when I can come help him (and NOT complain about it) with a minute or two of him asking- despite his pissy tone when he does ask for help.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

ItMatters said:


> Thunderstruck- if I could MAKE him read it, I would. I have it open right now, perusing it, and I'm like, yes, yes, yes!
> 
> He literally wants me sitting right by him, waiting 20min for the 1min he needs help. I call BS. Especially when I can come help him (and NOT complain about it) with a minute or two of him asking- despite his pssy tone when he does ask for help.


Has he at least read the 1st chapter? From what I've read most guys either say "BS" or "THAT'S ME!" after the first few pages. I saw myself right away, and then read the rest of it with my jaw on the ground. From the little you say, he sounds very "Nice Guy." 

I don't know, bring a book or a basket of clothes and sit next to him while he works?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

ItMatters, is he at least consistant in his desire for you to sit and watch him? 

My husband often also wants me to sit there, admiring and attentive, while I wait for him to need me to hand him something. His feelings are hurt if I don't hover, doing nothing but watching him, while he does stuff he's adamantly insisted he doesn't need help with. I try to be a good partner and don't like to hurt his feelings, so I will sit and watch as he likes. 

Of course, he also gets pissy if the laundry isn't finished, or the house isn't vacuumed, or a dozen other chores aren't done that I could have been doing instead of sitting there watching him. I've lost count of the number of times I've heard "What did you _do_ all day?!?!" when he knows very well I've been sitting and watching him and that when I tried to run go do something else for a few minutes, he called me back as if I were an ill-behaved child who'd wandered off. 

Then again, there are some times when, expecting that he'll want me to sit and watch him as he usually does, I get flamed for just sitting there watching him when I could be doing something useful like washing dishes or something. 

It's kinda like trying shoot a target that starts moving after you've pulled the trigger - sometimes you guess right and hit it, other times you miss completely. Sometimes he resents me not sitting and watching, sometimes he resents me not getting all my chores done while I was sitting and watching, sometimes he resents me even attempting to sit and watch. And it's always 100% on me to figure out which kind of mood he's in for any particular chore. Asking him if he'd like me to watch or if he minds if I do something else while he works has about a 50/50 chance of getting me snarled at - because, of course, I should _already know _the answer to that. The damned target just won't stay still!


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

Doing specialized tasks that save the family money trumps basic household chores. Suck it up, be happy, read a book or do a household task that isnt gonna be a big deal to walk away from if he asks you to be there for him.

Seriously..THIS is a complaint?

*Looks at my Avatar and am happy once again


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Don't know if my husband will get back on here anytime soon....so I will answer for him....

He is also the Nice Guy type.... He has told me many times he enjoys when I am out there keeping him company....yes, even when he is working... I'v had a book in my hands many a times & sat on the cement near him while he is under a vehicle, while I handed him tools & we shot the breeze. 

I don't do this all the time... He doesn't get mad at me if I don't by any means... or whine about it.....But he would prefer to not be alone.... if given a choice....if he knows I am just sitting in here on this computer, for instance. 

Accually - He tends to not want to bother me even when he needs help - if he thinks I am genuinely busy...... then later he might be a little agitated & go on about only being "one man" and how he had to do this with one hand, while he couldn't get something, or it took an hour, sharing a little of his frustration. This is his pent up steam I guess. Then I'll tell him he should have asked....yelled for me, yelled for one of the boys- damn it! ...

He might make a comment how he could have DIED out there and noone would notice, we'd find him the next morning. Sometimes he likes to work it up. Pretty much his way of telling us we are lazy - without being insulting. 

I think if a little help could save your husband in a pinch...He is better off asking....than have the job take twice as long -with the man feeling frustrated later on....depending on the job of course. 

I wouldn't dare compare the type of projects my husband does (taking out engines / Gas tanks, on the roof, who knows... with cooking, laundry and the stuff I do within the house, I don't need a finger of help.... but he does.


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## SA's husband (Apr 9, 2012)

I love her company even if she doesn't help, just like someone to talk to while I am working, she summed it up pretty well.


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## SA's husband (Apr 9, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> He might make a comment how he could have DIED out there and noone would notice, we'd find him the next morning.


I do this because years ago I was working on my truck, it backfired and blew the muffler in half, sounded like a gun shot and she didn't even come to check on me. She told me later she thought it was a hunter on our hill shooting a groundhog.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I can relate to this. I am an engineer. Sometimes I want to just focus on things myself. Other times I really like when she works with me.

There are times when having an extra pair of hands or another set of eyes can make a tedious task less tedious. There is something to be said for doing this stuff together. I suppose there are times a wife may want her hubby to just fix it for her. Maybe that meets some need in her. I get that she may feel that two people doing things in parallel is more efficient.

I do think much of this depends on other dynamics in the marriage at the time. So context may matter.

Still other men have a seemingly endless honey do list. So it is not too much of a stretch for a husband to want some companionship during this and not be relegated to the fixer drone status.

There are times I aks my wife to do things for me as well. I usually ask her if there is some way I can help. Offering to help goes a long way.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I've never had anyone to stand and help/cheer while I rebuilt computers, lawnmowers, truck engines... I've just found a way to do it myself. It's typically not rocket science. If you ask me, your husband is seeking attention, acknowledgement, or approval for "doing stuff". Like a little kid saying "lookit me!” as they ride their bike, even though they've been riding their bike by themselves for years and just don't want you paying attention to the cute dog or something.

Just my $0.02 worth...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Okay, in a situation like last night, where I was rushed and just wanted to get the water solenoid replaced in the new refrigerator that seems to break all the time, it would've been nice to have my wife handy when I pulled the water tube out, forgetting to go downstairs and turn off the water shut-off first. 

But, outside of these catastrophes that I tend to invite, I really couldn't imagine expecting my wife to hover.

You mention that he is a nice guy - this is the key, in my opinion. Sounds like he really wants validation for what he considers to be a "manly" task. You can't really fill that role for him. I would lean towards asking if he needs you to do anything to help, and if he says no, then go about your business. Like on the other side of the house. Later, a meaningful thanks that tells him how much you appreciate him doing those kinds of things would be great for most guys.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

PBear said:


> I've never had anyone to stand and help/cheer while I rebuilt computers, lawnmowers, truck engines... I've just found a way to do it myself. It's typically not rocket science. If you ask me, your husband is seeking attention, acknowledgement, or approval for "doing stuff". Like a little kid saying "lookit me!” as they ride their bike, even though they've been riding their bike by themselves for years and just don't want you paying attention to the cute dog or something.
> 
> Just my $0.02 worth...


As the wife who is wanted to be there, I don't in any way shape or form see it -as Pbear is expressing... such thoughts would have never entered my mind. I suppose this could be true in some cases though. 

Mine doesn't complain or ever get mad if I ain't helping or out there with him...many times I am doing my own thing. It's fine. 

Sure he might do a little light joking after the fact, but he is never demanding...he needs to be more so! Oh the times I have told him to speak up! He is a do it yourselfer through & through...he is one of those men who says......"if you want something done right, do it yourself". He doesn't NEED me, he just likes me to be around ....and accually I am very happy he feels this way.... 

Better than.... "Oh good, time to get away from the witch, some peace & quiet or ...looking forward to his "cave" in the garage ... I am sure some men feel like this... "Give me my beer, pump up the music, time to tear apart the motor... Solitude" --enjoy shutting the wife out, could be this extreme as well. 

Mine doesn't need a validating cheerleader, he just enjoys my compainionship... I wouldn't want it any other way.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Halien said:


> I would lean towards asking if he needs you to do anything to help, and if he says no, then go about your business. Like on the other side of the house. Later, a meaningful thanks that tells him how much you appreciate him doing those kinds of things would be great for most guys.


Booyah!

I like this advice and feel similarly to PBear's view about it too. The thing that struck me the most was the mention of his tone. 

I feel like Conrad.... "What was his childhood like?"


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Batman just fixes stuff, just gets on and does it. (okay we all know Alfred really runs the batcave but just go with it...) If he needs help, he'll just ask in a normal tone "babe, can you help me with this?" or "Can you get me [some tool that he describes]". Sometimes I'll hang out with him, sometimes I'll go do something else. 

We're both big on saying thanks. I guess we both feel validated and appreciated in the chores and tasks we do. OP I'm not suggesting you don't already though. Sure, what does it matter if he likes you being there? It's just the snippy tone that got me ...and wondering what this was really about.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How does he behave when he's not fixing things and you are busy? Does he want you around and bug you to stop what you are doing and come join him? 

Do you work outside the home? Or are you a SAHM/W? I ask as I'm wondering if the times he is doing his mr fixit things is the same time that you are trying to do chores because you work all week.

Your husband's actions remind me of my 25 hr old step-son. When he has a chore to do, he expects his sister to stop whatever she is doing and 'help him'. Why? Because he feels put upon to do chores. 

And example is that last weekend he was washing the dishes. She was helping me go through boxes that we never unpacked when we moved. I had her put some things away as she had to walk through the kitche. 

He ordered her to start scraping off the dishes. She said no in the way only sisters do to their brothers. Then I heard the following coming out of his mouth "What am I, f***ing Cinderella?"

She was busy. Had been working w/me for hours. He only had to do the dishes. But he felt like Cinderella? 

The fact that you say your husband gets all snippy makes me think his attitude is that whatever he's doing is more important than what you are doing and that he is being somehow put upon by having to do whatever he's doing. 

It's one thing for him to want company or a helping hand when it's actually needed. But this sounds like more than that.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ItMatters said:


> He literally wants me sitting right by him, waiting 20min for the 1min he needs help. I call BS. Especially when I can come help him (and NOT complain about it) with a minute or two of him asking- despite his pissy tone when he does ask for help.


 Nodody wants to be around someone with a BAD pi**y attitude...I would imagine this puts you in a similar mood ! So the whole time you are there -it is drudgery -for you both and "draining" even....no wonder you want to get away! 










I would talk to him about his attitude and let him know you don't mind helping when he genuinely needs a hand to save himself time to make the job easier....then go into managing you & his *TIME* more effectively... 

IN this way....If you are doing something while he is doing HIS THING - and can manage just fine on his own (sounds like 95% of the time he can)... then you will both have MORE TIME to spend together when the project is finished .....for some FUN ....family time, alone time, more sex, watching a movie together, even going for ice cream! 

Can there be anything more reasonable than that ? This is pretty much how we manage our time & projects at home. Multi-task multi-task multi-task.... Whichever / whatever is going to rally up more Free time --for us to just kick back & relax ... is the ticket.


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

I appreciate the comments, guys! I especially like Halien's thread and will try to use that in the future on occasions.

So some other points:

I work F/T. When I am doing 'my chores' say cooking dinner, he will be doing his own thing, he never asks to help (but I don't ask him to help either and that's not an issue). What I DO get annoyed with is that when I cook dinner, I then get kids into bath/bed etc and I will come downstairs and the dishes are still on the stove, the plates are in the sink all dirty (vs the dishwasher that is RIGHT there) and he's either on the computer, watching TV or maybe working with some project. And that does ticks me off...

These tasks are in the evenings or on the weekends so yes, we both have things to do and limited times in which to do them.

When he asks for help, he is pissed at that point because he's needed help for the past 5min but no one came to help because he didn't ask.

One of my biggest complaints about 'keeping him company' (and I've voiced this to him) is that he doesn't (and honestly CAN'T)carry on a conversation while working except to what he's working on. And then it's grumping, swearing, complaining, "c'mon [email protected], get in there already" and "for god's sake, where did I lay that tool" and other similar complaints ranging from a 2-6 in pissed-offedness at the task. It is NOT pleasant to sit there and listen to it and one of the reasons I actively avoid 'keeping him company'.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Do you ask him for help with the dishes? Is that one of the tasks that you've both agreed as being his, seeing as you cooked dinner? 

We have a "whoever didn't cook has to clean" rule in our home. Sometimes we end up helping one another anyway, but for the most part, we stick to it.

Why I'm asking this is - I'm wondering if your annoyance is actually similar to his own. Maybe you get pissy that the dishes aren't done (has that expectation been set/has he been asked?), perhaps just as he gets pissy because he wants/expects help but also hasn't asked until his frustration has already escalated. 

I don't blame you for not wanting to be sitting there with him acting that way. I'm too immature though and upon hearing "Get in there already.." I'd be saying "That's what she said!" and laughing. Then it'd turn into silly time. If he couldn't laugh, I'd be saying "I'll leave you to it - come get me if you need anything else" and getting other stuff done.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Well, my wife is extremely independant and would love to do stuff on her own. But I personally like taking on the challenge even though I'm learning as I go (I'm more of a techy than mechanic).

He's being unreasonable. Some jobs are just not a 2 person job. I've upgraded my processor/fan twice now and both times my wife did nothing to help. She was busy doing laundry. He seems to need validation.


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

I really appreciate everyone's advice. Of course there are other issues and our marriage is in a tough spot right now.

I will take the advice of asking if he needs help and making sure to thank him afterwards.

If he is working at the kitchen table or similar, I will also make an effort to work in the kitchen so he will feel I am nearby.

(Gotta laugh- my dh has said the same thing about "I could have died and you wouldn't have noticed")

And he is equally cranky if our son is asked to help him etc. 

Anyway, thank you all for the advice. I continue to check up on this thread!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I think it's kind of cool that he want's to feel like you guys are doing it together. Lot's of women on TAM would be happy to trade hushands :smthumbup:

Maybe you can get him to be a little better about it but if he didn't want you around when he was working on stuff you may not like that either.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Lately my hubby comes to find me if I am not in the office with him. I understand that at the moment he likes to know I am near & wants to know I want to be with him.
It is a security & validation thing. However, if I am busy cleaning etc, he does not get cranky. I will tell him I will be however long, then come to sit with him for a while.
Men are funny creatures, they really are.


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## Greg40 (Aug 11, 2012)

ItMatters said:


> I appreciate the comments, guys! I especially like Halien's thread and will try to use that in the future on occasions.
> 
> So some other points:
> 
> ...


I've always viewed the cooks job as cooking, she cooks and I'll clean it up. It's the least I could do after she spent and hour making home cooked food. It takes 10 mins to clean it.

I guess I also don't get spousal support for DIY and household fix-its. I did exactly the same job last week for example (PC fan replacement) didn't take long and It wouldn't have gone any quicker if she sat there for 30 mins boredly staring at me while I was doing it. She was grateful afterwards, she doesn't need to be a cheerleader during.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

I fix a lot of stuff around the house - computers, plumbing, wiring, sticky drawers (not those kind of drawers, the ones with utensils in them) - and I don't find someone hovering to be helpful. In fact it is distracting. The one thing that I do find annoying is if my W doesn't understand the effort or skill that went in to the repair and the value it represents. We aren't rich, so the fact that I can fix something and save the $100 or $200 that it would cost to have a pro come in and fix it is significant. I think my skill is taken for granted.

The other issue is her perception of the time and effort it takes to do some of these things. It's as if every repair takes 15 minutes in her mind. So when I spend two hours on a repair and she reappears from errands and her comment is "Why didn't you get this other stuff done", then I know she doesn't appreciate the effort that goes in to the work.

Does your husband want you there to witness the time, effort and skill it takes?


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