# Stay or go?



## gottobekiddingme (Feb 16, 2012)

Hello,

My husband and I have been together 6 years - married 3. He is Polish and im Australian. Since the beginning we have had problems, he is very aggressive and controlling and used to be extremely jealous.

He believed I had a very wild past because I had travelled quite a bit, and even asked me on several occasions to take a lie detector test to confirm the amount of lovers I had had previous to him. He said many times it was too hard for him to be with someone from a different country and culture. We still fight about this. We fought a lot mostly over jealousy things he would always call me at work and ask where I was or just show up there. He went through my phone and emails, photos on my computer etc. He was always very suspicious of me which I always found very strange as I had never given him any reason to doubt me.

After 2 years of living together but making up and breaking up I decided we should go to Australia and he could meet my family and put all these irrational things away. we booked the flights, I quit my job and then found out I was pregnant. We went to Oz and he asked me to marry him, I think mainly because I was pregnant, which he has even said to me during arguments. We got married and then came back to London and spent the best couple of months we have ever had together. No fighting, very intimate.. Happy. After that my mum came when I had my son and it all started again. Petty arguments, control issues, resentment towards me that he was the breadwinner. He started going out with old friends and staying out all night at least once a month. After a couple of months of this behaviour and constant screaming matches I decided to take my son back to Australia. I spent many months there. Knowing I made the right decision but being sad and depressed. We fought all the time on skype there was still a lot of love there but so many scars from the pain and mistrust and lack of respect all plastered over and never really fixed. He told me he loved me and he was sorry, that he wanted me back and things would be better. He flew out for our sons first birthday and I flew back to london after that but again fighting made me decide it was too soon and I went back home. Last January he came to Oz for a couple of months and although there were still many issues we decided to give it one last shot and moved back to London permanently in March.

Its now been almost a year and things have not improved. There are good days and bad days. Mostly bad days. He works from home and we see eachother all day everyday and yet never really spend anytime together. I go to bed often with our son and he stays on the computer until 3am or I hear him leave and not come back for hours, when I ask him where he is he says he went to get a beer and was sitting in the park. Then there are the days at least once a month where he starts drinking at home and then calls everyone he can, leaves the house with no goodbye and comes home at 10am the next day. I have asked him so many times to just let me know where he is and that he is ok, so many times that I dont care if he wants to go see his mates but just give me the respect I deserve and let me know. We have huge arguments over this to the point I have even kicked him out a couple of times. I say its so suspicious and have asked him if he is cheating on me. Of course he denies this and say he just got really drunk and fell asleep or some other lame excuse. He is always very sorry and says he wont do it again and admits he cant stop drinking when he starts, and that it is not right. Yet it keeps happening.

And here we are now, left Saturday night, came home Sunday morning at 10am and basically said do you want me to leave, which of course I said yes. Left all day all night, came back Monday morning at 9am. We have done nothing but argue since. This is just not good enough. I dont know how he thinks this is ok, if he is not cheating on me and these nights out are all so innocent why not let me know where he is? Why continue doing something that hurts me and is destroying our marriage only to then say thats not what he wants or means.

I feel so numb to it all now. He always argues that he carries all the stress and I dont do anything basically. I am totally devalued as a stay at home mum and im sick of him thinking because he pays the bills he is entitled to nights out with total disregard to his family. We are both 31 and the people he hangs around are older but childless and wifeless so can do whatever they want and it almost seems like he is just rebelling against me or something.

We have tried counselling, we have tried talking, we have tried seperating. What is left now? Just divorce and move on? He used to be so jealous of any man around me and I never ever gave him any reason to feel betrayed and yet this behaviour is somehow totally fine to him?

I just dont know where to go from here.. You can take all the other nitty fighting and what I assume is incompatability away as things that can be potentially worked through, but you are left with these fundamental things like trust and respect and I just dont think you can ever repair those things once they are broken.

I really thought marriage was forever but I cant live like this forever.

Advice?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I think you know in your heart what you want and need to do.

You are self-aware enough to know that this is not the life you expected or could even have envisioned when you promised to be his forever. And he is not treating you in a way where his actions would show he wants you around forever, either.

Life is too short.


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