# Help Need advice from Married women!



## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

Hi there I am getting married this summer and need some sound advice from people who have been in my shoes. I have been dating my boyfriend now for 3 years and I am 23. We knew eachother in HS somewhat and started dating LD in college. Right after college I moved in with him in another state where his job was and started working retail.
Two years later we have a house here but I'm still at my minimum wage job and we've yet to make real friends. 

He has friends here, and he is a sports nut so he is gone alot of the weekend at various games with his buddies. When he is here he is constantly watching or playing fantasy games. At his job he tweets at least 80 times a day about sports. that's how serious he is.

I was an art major at college and like to use some of that time to do my projects but mostly I just havent felt inspired to do art in a really long time.

I feel happy with him and love him but I'm just not in the same groove he is here. He's here for a high paying job, he has all his college friends nearby, and I am so far removed from my college friends that my bridal party will only have 1 person. 

Right now i am throwing all my creative energy into the wedding.

I happen to think we are compatible, but my friends and family think we are oddly matched, since I could care less about sports and he doesnt have a creative bone in his body. It doesnt help that during big family events whenever i do get him to show up, he will usually leave right after lunch to go play a local game with friends in the area and my family doesnt see much of him to prove them wrong.

Does this compatibility really matter? Will his sports become better when we get married? He's told me more than once that sports come first for him, and that since i "refuse" to attend some games, he goes on weekend road trips w/o me. He is even using vacation time to go houston and vegas for sports trips meanwhile I am working doubles trying to earn vacation time for our honeymoon. He just gets so cute and excited I dont have the heart to argue with him about it.

Let me know happy couples who could make this work! Thanks

My family and friends kind of think we are n


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I wish my husband would do more sport more regularly or everyday sink himself in the gym or swimming pool.
You have a healthy & happy man with a good pay job to love you. As long as you love each other, what can you wish for more?
If you need more attention, just ask, he would give. It's not about his sport. It's about you need more attention from him because you don't have college friends near you, so you wish him to cut off some sport for you.
Why? You can just ask him for more time and attention.
I believe he's a happy guy and willing to give his future wife lots of loving attention..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lunalady (Aug 11, 2010)

I don't think it should be a problem that you like art and he likes sports. There are many other things you can do together. My husband and I are quite the same actually; he loves sports and I don't, but I go to some matches with him to share a bit of his enthusiasm; and he's also started to show interest in what I do, although I know there are things we will never share. However, don't think that things will "improve" with marriage, usually they don't. 
I think it's more of a problem that you live somewhere where he has a circle of friends, and you don't. That can be a problem because with time, you wil probably get bored. Try to find some new friends, if possible through your interests (join an art class or something). I know how difficult it can be if you have nobody but your husband around.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

What ways are you compatible? What things do you have in common? 

I will say that things won't change once you get married. People always seem to think that getting married will make a person change, but it won't. You have to accept the person exactly as they are, and if you can't, then you shouldn't marry them. 

It's hard to tell from your post if the way things are bothers you or not. So, I will just say that if it bothers you, you should think long and hard about whether or not you want to marry him. And if it doesn't bother you, and you think things are fine the way they are, then don't worry about what your family or friends think. 

Look into groups in your area that facilitate your interests; that's a great way to make new friends. Although I've never had luck with it (I live in too small a town with too long a drive to any town), I hear meetup.com is really good for finding groups that revolve around various interests.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> What ways are you compatible? What things do you have in common?
> 
> I will say that things won't change once you get married. People always seem to think that getting married will make a person change, but it won't. You have to accept the person exactly as they are, and if you can't, then you shouldn't marry them.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
It's not going to change. He simply is what he is. They call women who are abandoned by their men "sports widows" around here, lol. Then you have your "hunting widows" and "fishing widows". He's not going to change. 
If you're fine with this, then good. But understand that even if/when you have children, he's not likely to change then either. He might forego a game or two occasionally, but he's not going to just drop everything in favor of family life. There's something else to think about. What's nice about that is when the kids get old enough, they usually start dragging them to games with them!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I totally agree with the 2 lasts posts. If these things bother you NOW -him using vacation time for sports, his leaving family gatherings to be with his sports buddies, take it from others who married and had a few lagging issues, this will be 10 times worse when married. DO NOT EXPECT HIM TO CHANGE, or you will be a very very frustrated wife. 

I have no interest in sports at all, I often thank God my husband is not a Sports fanatic, I know it would drive me personally batty.

You are young, I personally feel you can find a better compatable match in life, look for someone who shares YOUR passions. With all those sport outings , he may also grow discontent that you have no interest and come to meet a few women who share his passions. Wishing his wife did. 

If you are a Home buddy, marry a Home buddy, if you live to be creative , look for someone who shares the same ideas of Fun & entertainment. This will make marraige flow easily and carefree, not like "worK' or in your case "sacrifice" when he is off doing his sporting events or texting X amount of times a day -but not being able to give you the time.


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## SteppingStones (Dec 20, 2010)

> He's told me more than once that sports come first for him


I had one little alarm go off during the whole of your post and it was at this line.

There is nothing wrong with having varying interests. You both don't have to enjoy and be just as passionate as the other about the same activities. 

BUT to what extent do sports come first? First over you? Over family gatherings it seems....over kids when you have them? Over helping to financially support you and/or the family? 

If he refuses to give you a bit of time - such as staying at family gatherings....that's a problem.

HOWEVER, you said you refuse to go to games -- so you are kind of doing the same thing to him.

You BOTH need to make some time sacrifices. If you want him to give you a bit more time and participate in some activities with you instead of running off with his friends -- you need to give HIM some time and suck it up, swallow your dislike of games, and show him that you are interested in spending time with him. That you are taking an interest in HIM -- not necessarily his interests, but by showing "interest" in his sports, that is showing him you care enough about him that even though it's not your cup of tea, you want to be with him so you'll endure a game or two. 

Then you can reasonably ask him to return the favor by giving up a game or two to hang with you and your family or whatever. 

Marriage is ALL about give and take -- and if you can learn that BEFORE you get married, you'll be a step ahead of the crowd.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

For most people, as they age and mature, they become less involved in sports.

My sports involvement dropped a little when I became married. Spending time together took away time from sports. Once we had children, the sports dropped off even further. You become busy with the kids and family and have less time for yourself. 

You need to talk to him about how he sees the future. Sports (or work, or friends, or whatever) should not come first in any relationship. Sure everyone needs time for themselves, but you need to know that you and the family will come first.


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

hi yeah about the sports, he didnt say it to me, but said it in his twitter and i havent confronted him about it. I quoted "refuse" but I do often go with him to sports games. I force myself to go to soccer games, baseball games, frisbee games, wrestling matches, but football Ive only been a couple times. 

I dont go because he likes to taunt people and he gets thrown out of games. not fun for me. 

When we go out to city events its often just for sports, I go alone to all my art events, family events, music events, museum trips, all that. That's sort of what bothers me a little, that I am a season ticket holder to his soccer team and he wont go to a museum with me

For example,
For my bridal shower today i had my sister come into town from across the country and I wanted to spend the time with her but my fiance pouted and wanted me to go to a soccer game with him. Not just the game but the 5 hr pregame tailgate before it. He kept moaning and complaining and I rearranged everything, even getting a family member to pick up my sister from the airport so I could spend the entire day and night at one of the soccer games. 

mind you he wasnt playing, he is jut a fan of a local team.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

artycupid said:


> hi yeah about the sports, he didnt say it to me, but said it in his twitter and i havent confronted him about it. I quoted "refuse" but I do often go with him to sports games. I force myself to go to soccer games, baseball games, frisbee games, wrestling matches, but football Ive only been a couple times.
> 
> I dont go because he likes to taunt people and he gets thrown out of games. not fun for me.
> 
> ...



Bigbigbig RED FLAG here. It's bad enough that he expected you to drop everything that you had PRE planned to go to this game, but to pout and whine and expect you to change your plans? Something really wrong here. I wouldn't step foot down that aisle before I got this worked out.


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## FCHAVEZ (Jan 20, 2011)

My husband loves football and baseball. I hate baseball and I have grown to like football. I love to travel...my husband hates to travel, but for me he will go on a trip or two during the year. When you are opposites that is what it is all about is doing things the other person loves even if you don't. It sounds like you have that down, but your fiance needs some help in that department. If he is not willing to do things that make you happy that is something you need to consider. Also you need to somehow make friends. Do his friends have wives? Even if you just connect with a couple people at your job and plan a evening out to a nice restaurant...whatever. Having girls that support you is a major plus. Just know that marriage does NOT mean things are going to be better!


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i think you have all you need to know in your pot just above....you do thing with him, and he doe nothing with you...
SPORTS COME FIRST
that will never change..EVER

my husband loves video games, he dosent go to tournaments or spend our last dime on a game..but this hubby takes up his time.

he does not choose it over me, and he will limit his time to allow me tv time or us movie time. he dosent call off work to stay home and play, or play all nite and miss work.

i knew and understand that games will always be a part of his life, but if he didnt make room for me, and understand im a person in need of his time and attention.

if he wanted to spend all his energy on games and everything that revolved around video games...I WOULD HAVE LEFT HIM....

in a live standing right next to you. wanting to live life with you. if you are into sports just as much as he is...great..you will have a fab life...

if he ever changes to make you #1 it may be to late for you to care. but right now sports is #1..and maybe you are a distant 
3rd.

good luck...i hope he changes his mind about what is important, and the two of you have a happy life..


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

what do you think is wrong what should we work out? 

Here is his twitter post about my bridal shower "Hahaha just totally got XXXXXX to change like 8 things around so she can come to the soccer game with me. Score!"


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What types of situations do you two have where your desires and his desires conflict, and he puts your needs first and does what you want? 

This could be as simple as watching the tv show/movie that is your first choice. The restaurant you prefer, etc. It could be in how he treats you in bed. Or how you decorate your home. 

I find the twitter post below VERY disturbing. It almost seems as if he views your relationship as a competitive "sport" in which he gets more "points" when you are willing to put aside even your important needs like spending time with an out of town family member, in order to do what "he" wants.

BTW - there is a spectrum here. At one end:
1. He ignores the game to get to spend time with you and your sister since she will soon be "family" to him. 
2. In the middle of the spectrum he spends time with the two of you - skips the tailgate and then goes to the game.
3. Still in the middle he goes to the tailgate and the game himself and hooks up with you and the sister after the game.
4. At the unhealthy extreme he insists that you come to the tail gate and the game with him and ignore your sister

I am guessing this is not just a "sports" thing. 

I will also tell you how this typically plays out. Young W impressed by smart, hardworking husband who makes a lot of money. She ignores his selfish, sometimes rude behavior because she is so "impressed" by the overall package he brings to the table. 

Fast forward 20 years. Mature, confident woman has grown increasingly tired and her H's selfish, immature behavior. She wakes up one day and says "enough" and the marriage is over. 

He is shocked - crushed and has no idea how this happened. 

As a man - I will straight up say that I like sports but have never had "the fever". That said there is nothing that would cause me to treat immediate family (sister in law) so disrespectfully. 




artycupid said:


> what do you think is wrong what should we work out?
> 
> Here is his twitter post about my bridal shower "Hahaha just totally got XXXXXX to change like 8 things around so she can come to the soccer game with me. Score!"


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## SteppingStones (Dec 20, 2010)

artycupid said:


> what do you think is wrong what should we work out?
> 
> Here is his twitter post about my bridal shower "Hahaha just totally got XXXXXX to change like 8 things around so she can come to the soccer game with me. Score!"


WOW -- that is blatant, purposeful, intentional disrespect. He doesn't respect your needs. He doesn't respect your family. And that tweet shows he doesn't even really respect you.

Do some soul searching. It's obvious that he KNOWS he's putting you out - so it's not like he is completely oblivious to the fact that he is being a total jerk. He just doesn't care - and by the "hahahaha" even thinks it's funny.

I agree with a poster above -- these things might seem "cute" or "trivial" now - but putting a ring on his finger and changing your name does NOT mean he's going to suddenly turn from a wild roaming dog to a tame puppy. Tread carefully if you are seriously considering continuing this path towards marriage.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

if you love him and he loves you, and you want to marry him for better or worse...til death do us part...

then your life will revolve around play-offs, world cup series, tennis tournaments, world series, it goes on and on....

if you can live with that, and you dont feel like its a big deal.....then carry on.....

but think 10, 20 even 30 years down the road...you will have kids, jobs will come and go...adderssess will change...and at some point you will want his undivided attention. would you be ok if that never happened??

i am in no way being mean about this...i can understand where you are comming from...as i said my husband is into video games, but he makes time for me, and my life does not revlolve around games.

try couples counceling, or reading books on compromises. like he can follow soccer and basketball only on tv, tail gate only the 2 or 3 big games.

like i said, im not trying to be consending or unundrestanding of you situation. just putting some thoughts out there i had. i am only stateing an opinion.


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

I posted before, i am getting married, and not sure about some aspects of my fiance. He's normally fine, but his twitter always sends me all kinds of red flags. here are some just from this last month. Tell me what you guys think, most of it is about sports, some is about my father. My dad tried to add 40 people to the wedding which i didnt really care, my dad is paying 10k for the wedding and those people are my family, but well read on. 


My God, @SeppBlatter, get ****ed you corrupt, bigoted *******
Legends and Leaders? Are you ****ing ****ting me? #BigTenFail

I generally like @SI_JonHeyman, but come on man...you're making a fool of yourself

Now that I'm home, and I can tweet properly: ****. I mean, just...****. ****. #****

Getting off twitter before I say things I'll regret. Need time to drink heavily before I sleep. Hopefully enough to forget what baseball is.

No, seriously, **** you. @NFL

I kinda wanna get thrown out of another Phillies games this year, honestly.

I got kicked out of a Phillies game 2 years ago for being, drunk, belligerent, and rooting for the Blue Jays though.

'm off twitter for the night. Anniversary dinner with (me). Hoping to get my mind off sports.

Oh the things I'd be buying right now if I didn't have to save for the wedding...

Alex Beam, get ****ed.

That Werth deal is hilarious. Oh man. The Nationals are just comically stupid at this point.

I hope you corrupt mother ****ers are ready for the hell you just unleashed.

Figured. FIFA, **** you.

t wasn't that many years ago that I was extremely excited to go back upstate for/after Thanksgiving. (this is about his ex GF)

Whoever that chick was doing color on the Knicks game: My God she was awful. Please never talk about my team again.

agreed. My girlfriend would refuse to go Football comes 1st for me anyway. I'd just get indiv. tix for big games

Our wedding guest list was at 92. XXXX's dad wants to add another 49 people I don't know. #furious

know myself well enough to know I'm not going to feel nearly as comfortable being as open if there's such a large number of people I don't know.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

From the sounds of both your posts, I would say that if you're going to marry this guy, I would hope that you are one dang strong, confident woman. Because you will be going to every social event alone, since he's going to have some where else to be with some other people who are expecting him to be there so the "team" doesn't lose. If you don't want to go alone, you'll probably have to have a knock-down drag out fight to get him places that you want him to go. Be prepared to be the one raising your kids because he's already shown you that family isn't a priority and that in fact, he gets a kick out of being able to "make" you do things other than what you had planned or wanted to do.

So let's see, his sense of humour is clearly on the mean side, he's more than a bit of a bully, he's made no effort to help you make life and friends in a new town that he brought you to and public disrespects you on twitter all the time....what were the positives here again? What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? The privilege of a wedding ring and saying you're married now?

Look, being the married lady who goes everywhere alone sucks even when it's not because your husband doesn't want to be with you. I know. My husband worked nights for three years, I could either do stuff on my own or stare at the wall, you know? But it was his job, what could we do? I can't imagine the tension it would have added if it had been his choice.... And of course it all went on so long that now we don't know how to do anything together and it's caused a whole other set of problems.

If you're seeing red flags, then there ARE red flags. People don't really change after marriage. If the man you're with today. Right now. This minute. If he's the one you choose to be with for the rest of your life, to have kids with and grow old with, then that's great. But if your life with him right now leaves you wishing he'd only....or waiting for when he....that day probably won't ever come.

There's a famous quote that I'm probably slaughtering, but it's so true: When a person shows you who they are, believe them. He has and you should.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

It's possible he likes to come of a certain way to friends but will behave differently around you. I wouldn't be comfortable with what he's saying on Twitter. Even if he's exaggerating, it's hurtful.

Planning a wedding is stressful, considering canceling a wedding is stressful. You most likely need your art and creativity now more than ever to help balance the stress. I have music and writing and I have learned to use them constantly as a relief from stress.

I would have a one one one talk with him about your fears and find out from him what is up with the lack of consideration for your priorities.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> There's a famous quote that I'm probably slaughtering, but it's so true: When a person shows you who they are, believe them. He has and you should.


The brilliant poet Maya Angelou...I love her. "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them".


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## Venica (Jan 23, 2011)

I'm no professional adviser but I'll share what works for me. Differences are what prevents boredom in a relationship. My husband and I have been married 17 years now this January. He loves sport; I don't. He loves to party; I don't.

I use the time he engages in what he loves to do the same. I also learned how to compromise over the years. Because you don't like something does not mean you can't enjoy it. Occasionally indulge in what he likes and he'll reciprocate. Girl if you both really love each other in time these obsessions fade in comparison to spending time with each other. 

Absence does make the heart fonder. If you crowd each other too much either of you will feel controlled. So all the best to you.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

As someone else mentioned above, the thing that would bother me most is that he is simply not meeting you halfway.

The weekend of YOUR bridal shower, he made you ditch your sister and tailgate with him all day???
---It's not even that he wants you to come second in his life; he wants you to come second in YOUR OWN life. 

You are YOUNG!!!
Don't marry this guy just because it worked for 3 years. 

What would happen if you let him know he might lose you if he doesn't show that you are important in his life?
Would he wake up?


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

It's your relationship. If the circumstances you are in don't bother you, then tell everyone else to F off  My H and I are perfectly compatible but we have our own issues. You have to decide for yourself what's important to you. What can you live with? Is there something you can't live without? 

I do think there are some red flags though. It appears that you are willing to do anything for him, and he wont' do a thing for you. That's not a balance I would like to have going into a marriage. You need to have mutual respect for one another's needs. But like I first said, only you know what you're happy with. I was 21 when I was married. I love my husband but looking back, I should have waited to marry him. I also know had we waited, we wouldn't have gotten married. Scary thoughts that you don't want to have going through your head a few years down the road. Especially when you've got kids. 

Good luck and I really hope you can search your heart for what you NEED. If he can help provide that and you're content, then go for it. just don't settle.


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

artycupid said:


> I posted before, i am getting married, and not sure about some aspects of my fiance. He's normally fine, but his twitter always sends me all kinds of red flags. here are some just from this last month. Tell me what you guys think, most of it is about sports, some is about my father. My dad tried to add 40 people to the wedding which i didnt really care, my dad is paying 10k for the wedding and those people are my family, but well read on.
> 
> 
> My God, @SeppBlatter, get ****ed you corrupt, bigoted *******
> ...




I kind of want you to forget what I just said. He's BEYOND immature!!!! MY TWO YEAR OLD BEHAVES BETTER. Are you kidding me?! He deliberately talks **** about you on TWITTER?! He said SPORTS COME FIRST FOR ME ANYWAY and he'd just buy one ticket to games. BULL**** BULL**** BULL****

dump his ass girl. don't put up with that. I don't care what you love about him, no one deserves to be put second to anything else by their spouse and subjected to that crap. Maybe he'll grow a pair in a few years and learn to treat you with some respect. I'm not even sure that his balls have dropped at the moment. Good lord....he needs to grow up. I'm sorry if I upset you with this, but never in my life have I seen something like that happen to someone who obviously has given up everything for them. I am so sorry.


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