# Just as my name says



## TiredAndBroken (Oct 21, 2012)

Hello,
So the past 5 years of my marraige have been good sometimes and horrible at others. I'm not perfect and I don't want to come as I am. A little about me. I'm a recovering alcoholic, from an alcoholic household. Didn't have many friends growing 3-4 at the most. Don't like crowds. I do many things like paying the bills, setting up appointments (because my wife didn't like doing it). 
About 5 years I got I was paying my cellphone bill and I notice we had data charges. We didn't have a data plan on our cell phone package. So, I looked an notice pictures being sent back and forth a one phone number. So, I confronted my wife and she stated it was from a fellow co-worker who happened to be her boss. I had met him and knew him pretty well, or so I thought. I'm in the military, and at that time I was gone for a few day at a time. I also began to be depressed, I didn't like my work situation, and I turned to my old friend. Alcohol. I was also doing a lot of gaming during this time. My wife would try to get me to do things, I just didn't want to. So, I know my actions pushed her away. My wife was talking to this man, behind closed doors, and texting him all day everyday. There was about 6,000 text messages back and forth. I called our phone company and they stated the pictures were saved online. They gave me the account information and logged in... I was torn apart. My wife and this man had sent nude photos back and forth. So, I packed all her stuff up set it by the door, and said get out, and find a new place to live. 
So, she cried and begged and pleaded to stay. Things were ok for about 2 weeks. I came home walked in the door and she said she wanted a divorce. So, I left. One night, she had been out partying and called me and told me to come home. So, I did. We started marraige counseling for the next 6 months without one fight or problem. I didn't drink during this whole period. I was proud of myself. Then the reality of my profession came swooping in with different ideas. I would be deployed, for time in excess of 5-6 month. We decide she would stay with her family that way she would be by herself. After, I left the first time, she had contacted the man before. I was mad. I'd had enough and she cried and showed me everything. I left for 3 months, she send me emails and tell me she loved me and how important I was. Things were good for about a year and half. She currently goes to college. So, before I got back she told me she had been talking to a person who was helping her "wake up". Being I'm not in the situation, not at home, I'm thinking the worse. I could hear it in her voice. You know when you know, and I knew. But, the funny thing is, it wasnt this person at all. He's actually helping her. He actually on my team, I was suprised. A little after I left, she had started playing a game on the computer, and men started messaging her. So, she would have internet sex with about 5-6 people during the month before I got home. Pictures, messages, and all that. There's nothing worse than hearing you wife, tell another man she wishes it was them. She even did it the night before I got home. I was floored. I also found that one of her professors had been texting and calling her. I dusted my self off, got ready to go the airport. She stopped me. I asked her why she did this, she said loneliness, and then said she doesn't know. Then she told me she had been molested, and pictures were taken of her at a young age by another man. This struck me. I've been seeing a counselor myself for anxiety attacks, and just to have a place to go to talk. I explained this to my counselor, and she said it makes sense. She goes from one side (loving me), to (sending nude photos) the other side. I've been with here for 11 years. I don't want to give up, but, the molesting and pictures of her, was the first I've heard of it. I said, "I'm getting professional help and heres the number, you can try it" She give me a bunch of reason why she shouldn't. She just wants to talk to the one person. I also asked her if she's ever had any physical contact with another man or woman. She says no, I'm not buying it. I'm I wrong for that? I'll appreciate and helpful insight.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She is broken and needs help to fix herself.

Sad to say, she needs to realise this herself.

BTW that professor? Out him to the college. He should NOT have done what he did.

If she is still at the college, Student Services might be worth contacting to see if they can help your wife.


----------



## TiredAndBroken (Oct 21, 2012)

She would want me to sit with her and watch TV or simple stuff like that. 

She has never once, sent me a nude picture, or been that forward with me as what I've read and seen, and that just hurts. 

I want to give her all the help I can without being pushy. But, I can't keep living this way in fear, of what's next.


----------



## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

TiredAndBroken said:


> She would want me to sit with her and watch TV or simple stuff like that.
> 
> She has never once, sent me a nude picture, or been that forward with me as what I've read and seen, and that just hurts.
> 
> I want to give her all the help I can without being pushy. But, I can't keep living this way in fear, of what's next.


If you don't mind my asking, what rank do you hold in the military?


----------



## TiredAndBroken (Oct 21, 2012)

I'd rather not, give that out.


----------



## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

TiredAndBroken said:


> I'd rather not, give that out.


Yes, well I understand. But how is it that a man who keeps a cool head under fire scared of upsetting the balance of a relationship?

From your post above I get that you are a 'fixer'. Also that you'd rather avoid conflict with your wife. Now, the only way that the people on here can help you is if you are willing to take all the options into consideration. By that I mean divorce if its necessary. Stop taking care of her problems for her.

Too many men come here to save their marriages(however bad it is) rather than looking for help to overcome infidelity. I hope you're here for the latter.


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

myself,i would be gone way to much drama for me..have you hit the 10 year rule yet?


----------



## TiredAndBroken (Oct 21, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Yes, well I understand. But how is it that a man who keeps a cool head under fire scared of upsetting the balance of a relationship?
> 
> From your post above I get that you are a 'fixer'. Also that you'd rather avoid conflict with your wife. Now, the only way that the people on here can help you is if you are willing to take all the options into consideration. By that I mean divorce if its necessary. Stop taking care of her problems for her.
> 
> Too many men come here to save their marriages(however bad it is) rather than looking for help to overcome infidelity. I hope you're here for the latter.


Sir,
I understand what you are getting at. I've confronted her everytime the pictures and whatever else has came up. Yes, I've tried to help her. That's is 100% correct. Now, I want to overcome the infidelity, so that I don't resent her for what she's done. This time feels very different, in that she is working on her problems/issues, just not in the professional since, if that make sense.


----------



## TiredAndBroken (Oct 21, 2012)

67flh said:


> myself,i would be gone way to much drama for me..have you hit the 10 year rule yet?


If you mean 10 year rule. That we've been together for 10 years. I guess yes. I've never heard of it.


----------



## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

TiredAndBroken said:


> Sir,
> I understand what you are getting at. I've confronted her everytime the pictures and whatever else has came up. Yes, I've tried to help her. That's is 100% correct. Now, I want to overcome the infidelity, so that I don't resent her for what she's done. This time feels very different, in that she is working on her problems/issues, just not in the professional since, if that make sense.


Are you willing to draw the line and say to her that if she doesn't adhere to your terms of reconciliation, you will file.And are you willing to follow through?


----------



## TiredAndBroken (Oct 21, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Are you willing to draw the line and say to her that if she doesn't adhere to your terms of reconciliation, you will file.And are you willing to follow through?


Yes, I have. This is exactly what my counselor and I have discussed in the past few sessions. I did told my wife that she needed to see a professional with this and not some random person she met over the internet. She asked, if my counselor put me up too it. I told her that we've discussed it, but it's my decision, ultimately my decision. She said she will see a counselor when she's ready.


----------



## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

When people say that they'll do things when they're ready, they're never going to be ready. Its the same as people saying that they need time to change, they're never going to change. 

You need to set her straight. She needs to see a counselor by xx date or you're cleaning her junk out. Get the picture?


----------



## TiredAndBroken (Oct 21, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> When people say that they'll do things when they're ready, they're never going to be ready. Its the same as people saying that they need time to change, they're never going to change.
> 
> You need to set her straight. She needs to see a counselor by xx date or you're cleaning her junk out. Get the picture?


What you are saying I fully understand. I'm not going to do anything for her anymore. It's frustrating. She needs get the help for herself, not just our marraige. Thanks for the help.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

No no no, you are NOT seeing what everyone is saying. 
We mean filing until she fights for the marriage.

The friend she's talking to is just another form of her addiction.
She told you she would do anything to save the marriage, but the one thing you do ask, is rejected.
So how sincere is she really.
You keep rug sweeping and she expect it now. FILE !!!

In fact, she should have no more talks with anyone but you and IC.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

No more on the computer for her.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It's heartbreaking for you when you discover she speaks to others with passion and sends pictures she's never thought of sending you. 

But keep this in mind: she's acting immaturely. She doesn't have a REAL LIVE IN PERSON relationship with these people. In a REAL relationship (you) she's reserved and would be so with ANY other real relationship. So don't take it personally. 

Instead of finding a fulfilling IN PERSON relationship she wanders off into a fantasy land. This would be troubling in any relationship.

The fact that you are in the service (_*Thank you by the way!*_) makes it much more difficult to deal with because of the deployments and TDYs. 

I could be mistaken, but when I was in the service I seem to recall that there were counseling sessions that could be made mandatory - but don't recall if it was only for active duty personnel or if it included spouses. 

At any rate there must be support groups on base that can be counted on. 

Oh, and I'll quit smoking "when I'm ready" (get diagnosed with cancer). She's in trouble and so are you get her to a counselor ASAP - kicking and screaming if you want to save this union.


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Thank you for your service and your time in theater, I know it sucks with a WW. You know the answer to this problem, you just do not want to yell"Fire in the hole" and end the problem that way. It will get better after you end this. I know and have been there. IED's are a snap compaired to a wife in the States that is pulling this crap. Good luck and there is a wonderful life out there for you if you will just end it. David


----------



## TiredAndBroken (Oct 21, 2012)

Update. She just told me she slept with 3 people. I knew it. I just wanted her to tell me. This all happened three years ago.


----------

