# So, I Believe I Have Anxiety About Marriage...



## lerapp (Dec 29, 2013)

So, here's everything in a nutshell: I've been dating my boyfriend for four and a half years and we're talking marriage (eventually...engagement in at least a year). The problem is, marriage freaks me out. My parents have a horrible relationship (and are somehow still married...is it sad that oftentimes I wish they weren't because it would make them both happier?) and it probably has ingrained some anxiety about the subject. 

I find little things to worry about and, when I'm in a hole, I convince myself that I will eventually grow angry and bitter towards my boyfriend/husband. I get very nitpicky and blow things out of proportion and I get upset about things that are stupid. I know I do it too, but when I get in that mindset I just HAVE to address the "problem", often several times. 

So, some details would probably be nice...first, a little about us. We're both 21 and we go to school in different states...I'm a senior and he's a junior in college. I'm going on to grad school and we don't exactly know when we'll be able to get married and live in the same place. We are each others' first "official" boyfriend/girlfriend. And hey, we're still together and happy. We love each other, life is good.

And my parents. My mother is so sweet and I love her very much. She also has severe depression and is a (recovering this time, hopefully, after spending a month in inpatient detox/rehab) alcoholic. This gives her no motivation to do anything...exercise/take care of herself, discipline my 16 year old brother, take care of the house, or really get out and do much of anything. My dad is nice sometimes...but he's EXTREMELY self-centered and controlling. He gets angry easily, especially about Mom not doing this or that...their fights have gotten pretty bad...nothing super physically abusive, mainly grabbing and pushing. No punching, hitting, or anything like that. But he's put dents in doors and walls. Even when they're not fighting, I can tell my mom resents my dad. Everything is always tense, like walking on eggshells. I have VERY RARELY seen them happy spending time together. Its weird when it happens. 

Obviously, I don't have much of a concept of what a "normal" marriage is supposed to be....I've seen my parents and I've seen the "picturesque" movie versions of marriage. I know it falls somewhere in the middle...but I can't shake this nasty habit of worrying about failure, even if there's nothing to worry about. But I can't get rid of the anxious feeling sometimes. 

And I pick the stupidest things to get irritated about...a funny face he does in a picture with friends (even though I do it), goofy voices (even though I do it), getting super excited about something and acting kind of silly (even though I do it). Normal people things. I don't know why these things bother me so intensely sometimes. And I find things to nag about, like how something he texted me sounded to me and bothered me. And I need to make sure he understands why it bothers me and I need to get a specific response out of him even though its obvious he knows (and he knows that I'm being crazy and overreacting). And after its all said and done, I feel HORRIBLE. I feel ashamed for my behavior and how I made him feel and what I put him through. When all is said and done and I'm reduced to tears, a good hour is wasted. It's probably good to note that this mainly happens late at night when we're Skyping. So I'm probably cranky. But the irritations can happen any time of day and just stew until these breakdowns happen. I don't yell or anything. But there are tears and multiple repetitions of the same thing, just said in different ways. Gosh, I sound nutty.

The more important problem, I suppose, is my worrying about being happy...I've heard all the "there's no sense worrying about the future!" and "just take the plunge!" and "worrying only makes it worse!" and blah blah blah...that doesn't help. It's still all "what if this?" and "what if that?", all of it leading to failure. All last (school) year (2012-2013), I never talked to him about it. I realized last (last?) December that I didn't feel like I loved him anymore. The worrying was eating my feelings for him away. We broke up in April. And I opened up about what I was going through to him. We took it slow and got back together in late August. 

And God, he's so supportive and patient. Every time I worry about something stupid (When we have kids, will I still have alone time? You'll respect my opinions right? You'll take me seriously, right? 25 years in the future, on a Tuesday, will you make me a pasta dinner? The last one was a joke, har har), he talks me back down to earth. He already respects my opinions and take me seriously for the most part. We had a talk during our time apart that just because it's a joke to him doesn't mean its a joke to me. He can be goofy sometimes, which can bother me, but in reality he's strong and mature and serious when I NEED him to be. He's so patient and answers my questions and reassures me until I feel better. We communicate so much more this time; he knows I'm anxious about this...marriage is a HUGE DEAL. A weight on my chest will develop when I'm feeling anxious and sometimes it doesn't even do it when I'm consciously thinking about my relationship or marriage. But when I do start thinking about it, the cyclical thoughts are exhausting. Sometimes I feel like not talking to him when it happens (our main forms of communication are Skype and texting) but it always helps when I do, even if we're talking about normal things.

We see each other about once every month or month and a half. When we're physically together, this anxiety is significantly lessened, to the point where I don't even have it most of the time, unless I'm actively thinking about it and I can choose to not think about it instead of it being invading. I also don't have my "temper tantrums".

Ah, another thing: the dynamic between my dad and my boyfriend are weird...up until kind of recently, my time was VERY much controlled by my dad and when I wanted to, say, spend Dec 27th with my boyfriend's side of the family for a late Christmas, my dad would throw a fit about how I'm "always spending time with his family" even though my family never does anything and, when we try, there's generally fighting involved. He thinks I should date other people because he thinks I should test the waters and not be committed to my first real relationship...even though I see no problem in it. And he takes it out by making snide "jokes" about my boyfriend, calling him "the boy" and "Leighty" (a shortened version of his full name that sounds like Lady), and has never really had a nice, normal conversation with my boyfriend. He doesn't really interact with my boyfriend when they're together and doesn't really act like any of my friends' parents act towards their boyfriends. He's not friendly. He's not outright mean...I don't really know how to explain it. He doesn't say much to him, unless it's something kind of sarcastic and jerkish. I really don't know what his problem is. My boyfriend doesn't like my dad because 1, he's never treated him respectfully at all and 2, of how he treats my mom, brother, and me. Both my brother and my mom love my boyfriend. Mom attributes Dad's behavior to being what dad's do when they have a daughter, but I think it's much more.

So I'm writing all of this for two reasons. The foremost is that I want to know how I can reduce the amount of anxiety I have about marriage.* I love him and I do want to marry and be with him, but I know I need to get this in check first.* If there's anything that would ruin our relationship, it's this, because it almost did before. I think the nitpicking and irritation is just manifestations of the marriage anxiety (but I'm no psychologist). I haven't been diagnosed with anxiety or depression...but I know the symptoms and they run in my family so I am susceptible. I need advice on that...

And the second one is that I'd like to know, from y'alls experiences, how a normal marriage is and how y'all deal with conflicts...because it's obvious that they're not handled properly in my household. 

Bonus points if people can tell me what's going on with my dad and if there's anything I can do about that.

Thank you for the advice in advance...if there's any questions or need for additional detail, I'd be happy to answer.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I can sort of empathise with how you're feeling. I grew up in a family with a verbally abusive father. He still is. My mother was depressed and even cracked her teeth from clenching her jaws so much. He's still abusive, and she's still unhappy. I don't ever see this changing unfortunately. I'm living with them right now and I've resorted to telling him to knock it off when he's starting one of his tirades. It just really pisses me off. It probably only works because he doesn't want to get into a screaming match with me. Mum just gets initially defensive but then silent. My entire teenage years saw me defending my mother and locking horns with my father.

Take that crap into my first relationship and I look back and see I was emotionally immature, unable to control my anger in a disagreement and fairly insecure. I was self assured enough to recognise that it wasn't a strong enough partnership to go through to marriage however, thank goodness, because I went on to find the right person for me, who I married.

Initially it was rocky with my DH. We went through some tough times, but if you just remain honest with yourself, you will be able to grow and learn from your mistakes. I knew I had anger issues, so I researched a lot of stuff about marriage and communication. Whenever we had an issue that kept popping up, I'd go back to researching. I read books about marriage like 'Getting the love you want' and 'His needs her needs' and others I can't remember the titles of and I joined forums and asked other people. I talked to a female confidante who could sympathise but still tell me I was being an idiot. So I've been married 9yrs, have two kids, and we're happy. We've worked through some major issues and we didn't give up. There were times when I was so angry and depressed I couldn't imagine how we'd stay together, but you just take each day as it comes, and remember those extreme emotions never last.

You are off to a good start. You already recognise your own faults. You're already looking for ways to improve. Add in now reading and implementing some new techniques you find that apply to your situation and you're on the road to sure success.

I think you've already sensed much of your anxiety comes from dealing with a long distance relationship, so don't beat yourself up about it. Maybe look for positive ways to deal with that anxiety, such as doing something physical if you feel you're nitpicking him.

One thing I would strongly suggest though is to live together for at least 6 months before getting married.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Thank you for the post - I want you to know up front that I work for a Marriage & Family Ministry and understand why you feel anxious. I want to deal with the 1st obvious issue - your father. I came from a very dysfunctional family and always felt that I would rise above it and that it wouldn't impact my marriage - wrong answer! There are things going on that seem normal to you that are not normal. For instance, you mentioned there's nothing "super" physically abusive going on, only pushing, grabbing, etc. That kind of behavior is highly inappropriate and has no place in a marriage! Your father has issues that have impacted you in ways you are not aware of. 

Have you ever gone to counseling to talk about these things? In all honesty, there is nothing more important in preparing for marriage than good pre-marital counseling. Preferably with someone who views marriage as a life-long commitment (a Minister or Christian counselor). The anxiety you feel is understandable and can be worked through. Your boyfriend sounds like a keeper and the issues you are having will remain with you even if this relationship were to end. 

If you would like help finding a counselor I can send you a link but it will have to be requested by a private message. Anyway, a normal marriage is two imperfect people living together with love and respect committed to each other no matter what comes. Constant anger, absolute lack of any joy, and physical contact should not be a part of such a marriage. May not sound like a Hollywood novel but it's pretty awesome when it's your daily reality. Blessings on you!


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## lerapp (Dec 29, 2013)

It feels nice to find others who know exactly what I'm talking about and share experiences, so thank you both! 

breeze: Oh, the long distance definitely does not make it better! I'm just glad he's so patient with me and he understands. I think that even pouring my heart out to anonymous people is a step in the right direction and I think it'd help...it also has helped looking at the other posts on this site.  As for the relieving stress/anxiety other ways, I really need to get back into doing stuff for me: working out and more art (I like to draw and I do tattoo designs...such as my avatar!). Luckily I'll have a lot more time this semester. Your comment that the strong emotions never last really stood out, I'll need to keep that in mind whenever I feel overwhelmed!

WolverineFan: I definitely know it's not proper, but I also have a tendency to not see how severe things are...my boyfriend has gotten me (for the most part) out of the habit of justifying and brushing off my dad's overbearing, controlling behavior. I have been thinking about seeing a school counselor about the things on my mind and I hope they can help...they've helped me be more assertive against my dad in the past. I can't say they'll be secular, and I don't know my pastor well enough to confide in him, but it'll be a good step!  Its interesting that you're in ministry; my boyfriend and I are both Christian and are going against the "trend" by waiting till marriage. And I also don't want a divorce, that's why I'm trying to get most of the major kinks out before diving in.  He definitely is a keeper.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Your self awareness has put you on the right track, that's half the battle already. You ask what a normal marriage is like, but I think that's the wrong question (semantics!). Your family is normal to you. What is healthy? That's a better question. What should I strive for?

I think you can answer some of that on your own, what would be your ideal? Likely safe, loving, supportive, and secure would be high on your list. You can reach for that in your own life. You won't always succeed, but you can always keep trying. You can try to continue to get a handle on your 'issues', and use your brain to keep some perspective and balance in your actions and behaviour. You can continue to find and develop skills and strategies for coping. Counselling is good, forums and books are good. An open mind, a sense of yourself is awesome! Marriage is hard work. Constant negotiation, communication, and compromise. It takes real effort not to fall victim to the pitfalls of life. It's easy to let things start to slide, to take your partner for granted, to get swept up in all the stuff we need to do, and to let the things we need to do to nurture our relationships fall by the wayside. Try to develop habits now that will serve you later, when life starts throwing more at you. The Gottman Institute can provide a wealth of ideas in that regard, for one. Not Just Friends would be great to get a sense of the sort of personal boundaries one ought to have. His Needs, Her Needs gets a lot of mentions on TAM too, I haven't read it myself though. Brene Brown's books are great, lots of gold in them!

I'll sum it up now though, communication is critical. Real, open, honest communication. You need to speak and be heard by each other, and sometimes that isn't easy. Patience, empathy, putting your ego in check, sometimes these are all required. It isn't always easy, but you have to put in the effort to get to the good stuff, right?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Oh, one other piece of advice - if you've got a problem with some one or something, look at yourself. You can't change or control anyone else, so what can you do? Your father, for example, you can't control him, but you can control your reaction to him. Do not negate or excuse his bad behaviour anymore. Call him out on it. If he is violent, he can face legal consequences. The choice is his, the consequences fall on him, not on the intended victim who asks for help or protection. Do not allow yourself to be treated poorly or manipulated, because you can choose other options. You can reach out for help.


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## lerapp (Dec 29, 2013)

Thank you for your post, SadandAngry, that helps a bunch too...I'm happy that I'm at least a little bit ahead in terms of knowing I'm overreacting sometimes. We have a healthy relationship I believe...but its like you said, its hard work sometimes! I'm so thankful my boyfriend is definitely patient with me; one of my friends is getting engaged soon and, while she was all ecstatic about it, all I feel is anxiety and almost dread when I think of getting engaged sometimes. I told this to him and he told me to look at her family dynamic versus mine. And also that they're probably still in the "lovey dovey" stage, for the lack of a better term, since they've been dating for about a year, while we have been together for 4 and a half years.

With my dad, the problem is is that he blames other people, or just straight up denies stuff. My mom and I had a talk when I was visiting...turns out he's cheated on her countless times and she's dealt with it through alcohol...but now that she's recovering, I really hope that she'll stand up to him more or just leave him. I really do.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lerapp said:


> *I find little things to worry about and, when I'm in a hole, I convince myself that I will eventually grow angry and bitter towards my boyfriend/husband. I get very nitpicky and blow things out of proportion and I get upset about things that are stupid. I know I do it too, but when I get in that mindset I just HAVE to address the "problem", often several times.*


1st ..excuse me for all the links..it's Great reading material ...to help you ....You are allowing a run away anxiety train overtake your head -due to your experience growing up in a very dysfunctional UNHAPPY unfulfilling emotionally abusing household. 

a little about me... I didn't have the best growing up yrs, it's one of those cases, you learn from your parents MISTAKES how NOT to live...My mother & dad were the most incompatible match, married too young, she wasn't in love, they fought over sex- thankfully they divorced when I was 9 ! BLESSING !.....I did have a decent example with my Dad & Step Mom even though I didn't get along with her , or even like her.. 

I read books... I had friends, went to Youth Group, My Grandmother next door, we talked alot about life , love, marriage... I took much of this to heart, she had a wonderful marriage with my Grandfather.... 

I always had hope for that.. like you, met my husband young.. I was 15 / he 18... we never had any hesitations about getting married.. He was a Great guy, patient , loving, he'd make a great Father...he's never changed -it's 31 yrs later .. I've always loved being married, he is my best friend. 

From your story...you RARELY see your BF... you say in Colleges in different states, what about BEFORE COLLEGE...did you live in the same town, spend MUCH time & enjoyment together ? Long distance relationships...sometimes people who haven't spent THAT TIME in person...they can assume things that aren't about the other... until you interact with each other on a regular daily basis...working through conflicts together... I'd not jump into a full blown marriage ...so just asking.. wasn't clear on that. 

Here is a thread I did for couples to assess compatibility..on things that can hurt you down the line -if not dealt / those differences....understanding each other ...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html



> Obviously, I don't have much of a concept of what a "normal" marriage is supposed to be....I've seen my parents and I've seen the "picturesque" movie versions of marriage. I know it falls somewhere in the middle...but I can't shake this nasty habit of worrying about failure, even if there's nothing to worry about. But I can't get rid of the anxious feeling sometimes.


 I'd suggest you both buy this book...and read it from cover to cover before you marry....

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  goes onto detail about the importance of 10 emotional needs we have in marriage, healthy relationships.



> And I pick the stupidest things to get irritated about...a funny face he does in a picture with friends (*even though I do it*), goofy voices (*even though I do it*), getting super excited about something and acting kind of silly (*even though I do it*). Normal people things. *I don't know why these things bother me so intensely sometimes. And I find things to nag about, like how something he texted me sounded to me and bothered me. And I need to make sure he understands why it bothers me and I need to get a specific response out of him even though its obvious he knows (and he knows that I'm being crazy and overreacting). *


 You spoke in your parents marriage how it is like "walking on egg shells"... what you described right here WILL PUT YOUR HUSBAND ON THEM .... you do not want this... you need to unearth WHY you are feeling so angry...and want to take this out on the man who has been good to you- for his normal behavior.. it is good you recognize these things.. but this is INNER healing you need within yourself.. .. so you can give him, share with him, the HAPPY you... the YOU at your BEST , so your future marriage with flow... and you'll both be a JOY & a helpmate to each other.... 

A good article on this here >>



> Boundaries in Marriage: A brief review of Cloud... | Gather
> 
> One of the biggest barriers to having good boundaries in marriage is not having two complete people joining to form one complete couple. Cloud and Townsend explain:
> 
> ...





> And after its all said and done, I feel HORRIBLE. I feel ashamed for my behavior and how I made him feel and what I put him through. When all is said and done and I'm reduced to tears, a good hour is wasted. It's probably good to note that this mainly happens late at night when we're Skyping. So I'm probably cranky. But the irritations can happen any time of day and just stew until these breakdowns happen. I don't yell or anything. *But there are tears and multiple repetitions of the same thing*,


 What are you getting all upset about - are these differences you can't resolve? 



> We had a talk during our time apart that just because it's a joke to him doesn't mean its a joke to me. *He can be goofy sometimes, which can bother me,* but in reality he's strong and mature and serious when I NEED him to be. He's so patient and answers my questions and reassures me until I feel better.


 It sounds you don't ENJOY his sense of humor.. does this bother him at all...

You respect He is responsible /mature where he needs to be... but yet, his funny side.... it irritates you... this is a vital part of who he is....I've seen threads here where this caused some hurt down the road...it's a way of connecting to each other even.... Just something to think about there. 



> *We see each other about once every month or month and a half. *When we're physically together, this anxiety is significantly lessened, to the point where I don't even have it most of the time, unless I'm actively thinking about it and I can choose to not think about it instead of it being invading. I also don't have my "temper tantrums".


 Is this for a day, a week- this every month to a month and a half?



> *My boyfriend doesn't like my dad because 1, he's never treated him respectfully at all and 2, of how he treats my mom, brother, and me. Both my brother and my mom love my boyfriend. Mom attributes Dad's behavior to being what dad's do when they have a daughter, but I think it's much more*.


 If your boyfriend has treated you with kindness, like a Gentleman...as you have described him to have done...this speaks so much more about your Father to his rotten treatment of him... but you already know that, sounds your dad is a full blown Adult bully, and takes joy in putting others down ...why to raise himself up ?? It's very juvenile. 



> So I'm writing all of this for two reasons. The foremost is that I want to know how I can reduce the amount of anxiety I have about marriage.* I love him and I do want to marry and be with him, but I know I need to get this in check first.* If there's anything that would ruin our relationship, it's this, because it almost did before. *I think the nitpicking and irritation is just manifestations of the marriage anxiety (but I'm no psychologist).* I haven't been diagnosed with anxiety or depression...but I know the symptoms and they run in my family so I am susceptible. I need advice on that...


 I think its more than this, you are unsettled inside over many things...and you need to work on yourself ..understand what you want for your future, what type of man fits for you... why him... Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Besides he is patient , mature and responsible & he's been your BF for 4 yrs? 



> *And the second one is that I'd like to know, from y'alls experiences, how a normal marriage is and how y'all deal with conflicts...because it's obvious that they're not handled properly in my household.*


 Excellent rundown on healthy communication here  PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE in communication









Someone mentioned *Self Awareness*... when this is put into practice with each other.. listening carefully to one another, caring to meet each other half way...owning our own hand in our conflicts.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...transforming-our-marriages-relationships.html



> *Bonus points if people can tell me what's going on with my dad and if there's anything I can do about that.*


If your dad continues to be disrespectful and rude...especially after you have moved out, you are joined with your husband...if It was me...I'd put up a boundary to what you will tolerate in your life.. no one has ever challenged him, obviously ..and always let him get his own way... can you reason with someone like this.. after all of these years... only if he wants to help himself.. otherwise , your hands are tied. It's very  though.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

lerapp said:


> So I'm writing all of this for two reasons. The foremost is that I want to know how I can reduce the amount of anxiety I have about marriage.* I love him and I do want to marry and be with him, but I know I need to get this in check first.* If there's anything that would ruin our relationship, it's this, because it almost did before. I think the nitpicking and irritation is just manifestations of the marriage anxiety (but I'm no psychologist). I haven't been diagnosed with anxiety or depression...but I know the symptoms and they run in my family so I am susceptible. I need advice on that...
> 
> And the second one is that I'd like to know, from y'alls experiences, how a normal marriage is and how y'all deal with conflicts...because it's obvious that they're not handled properly in my household.
> 
> ...


You are a wise woman to ask these questions now instead of ignoring your anxiety and later feeling like you made a mistake - something that is more common than not (even in great relationships, it happens, and about half the time it's significant enough to lead to divorce and/or cheating.)

For much of my life, I was a relationship disaster. Like you, I came from a dysfunctional background where I never really learned how good marriages worked. I had other issues, too, stemming mostly from extensive sexual abuse. 

It let me to having a knack for choosing the "wrong" man for me and ended up leaving again, and again, and again. (In your case, you might benefit from learning about ACOA -adult child of alcoholic - behaviors. 

Anyway, I studied myself, them, what went wrong, went to counseling, became a counselor, you name it. I've now been married for just a couple of years in a relationship that's very different from my prior relationships, although we have our challenges at times, too. Will we make it for the next thirty years? I believe we will, yes. 

One of the big differences for me was learning what compatibility is...and isn't. Being able to objectively look at the five pillars that can make or break a couple. I now believe even ONE area where there is little or no compatibility can predict major problems that won't be overcome. 

I also found a wealth of knowledge in John Gottman's books. Gottman has spent a couple of decades studying and following couples. He is said to be able to predict with a high certainty whether a couple will divorce or not. He does this by bringing couples into a room and asking them to talk about one of their ongoing disagreements. (Other experts say even the best couples have 5-7 permanent conflicts.) 

Anyway, Gottman analyzed how these couples communicated and tracked them for over 15 years. Those whose marriages (and happiness) endured had a ratio of 5 positive interactions for every negative one they had. A "positive interaction" might be a compliment, but it wasn't always that obvious. Sometimes a "positive" interaction was something he calls a repair bid, which means a person tries getting on the same page again. This could be a "You're not listening to me," which doesn't sound positive, but Gottman's explanations of it are quite sensible. 

He also identified certain relationship styles. There's avoidant, engaged, and I think the third one was called cooperative. Both avoidant and engaged couples can be detached OR hostile. Your parents sound highly engaged AND hostile, for example. Although we all like to think we want a cooperative relationship, in reality, some people are more rewarded by these other styles and would not be able to achieve a cooperative style. *Based on what you said about getting nitpicky and critical, I think you have good reason to have some anxiety.* Even though your guy's good at calming you, he might later detach from this, which could lead to one of the other relationship styles. 

For these reasons, I'd encourage you to evaluate how the two of you match up on those five pillars of compatibility I linked to, and also to check out the Gottman Institute's pre-marital material available at Premarital Preparation | The Gottman InstituteThe Gottman Institute . 

What does a "normal" marriage look like? Sort of like your relationship with your other family members. It's not a constant high, but it shouldn't be mostly negative, either. It's mostly neutral, with highs and lows that come and go. Big ones on occasion, but mostly little ones, like "I saw something cool on my way to work." 

As far as your dad and your boyfriend... Your dad is probably pretty codependent (controlling behavior is a notable element of this). So he's at his best when he's rescuing someone or persecuting them. He doesn't have many levels to connect on if your guy's an even-tempered, responsible person. As crazy as it sounds, your dad would probably like your guy better if your guy was a loser! (You'll understand this better, too, if you start learning about ACOA and codependency.)


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

My father verbally abused me to the max when I was small. It scarred me for life and made me dysfunctional. I ended up divorced. It did not have to be that way. If I had gone into therapy earlier, I think I could have licked it. Someone on TAM told me that you need to get control of these things in your early 30s by the latest. You are young enough.

Tell your fiancee about your thoughts. You are conscious of the problems. You can share with him. If he has any POS tendencies, he can start working on them, too.


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## lerapp (Dec 29, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> From your story...you RARELY see your BF... you say in Colleges in different states, what about BEFORE COLLEGE...did you live in the same town, spend MUCH time & enjoyment together ? Long distance relationships...sometimes people who haven't spent THAT TIME in person...they can assume things that aren't about the other... until you interact with each other on a regular daily basis...working through conflicts together... I'd not jump into a full blown marriage ...so just asking.. wasn't clear on that.


Before, we spent a year together when I was a Senior in high school and he was a Junior (though we're only 3 months apart). And we had a great time. All this anxiety started about a year ago and it's changed slightly; I used to bottle it up until we broke up (out of the blue for him, I feel bad about it now). But now that we talk it's almost like I need to address EVERYTHING that even slightly bothers me. As he put it, most people have things that are a little annoying (1) to so annoying that you want to explode (10). I seem to make everything an 8 or 9, no matter how stupid or little it really is. But when we do spend time together, and when we lived in the same town, it was fine for the most part. I don't know what changed...the only thing I can think of that was different is that my family moved from Minnesota (where my boyfriend is and where I graduated high school) to Texas (where I originally grew up). 



SimplyAmorous said:


> You spoke in your parents marriage how it is like "walking on egg shells"... what you described right here WILL PUT YOUR HUSBAND ON THEM .... you do not want this... you need to unearth WHY you are feeling so angry...and want to take this out on the man who has been good to you- for his normal behavior.. it is good you recognize these things.. but this is INNER healing you need within yourself.. .. so you can give him, share with him, the HAPPY you... the YOU at your BEST , so your future marriage with flow... and you'll both be a JOY & a helpmate to each other....


That really hit me hard, but its really true...and I do want to be the happy me, because its what he deserves. For some reason its just hard.



SimplyAmorous said:


> What are you getting all upset about - are these differences you can't resolve?


Little dumb things that annoy me just the slightest I blow out of proportion...I'm aware enough that its stupid and I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but its hard for me not to react...and if I keep it in, I stew on it. I also worry about being unhappy and bitter and hostile once I'm married. As to what I'd be unhappy about, I don't know. Maybe some of the silly things he says...which, my logical self tells me, is definitely not enough to ruin a relationship. When I address things, he tells me to calm down and that I'm overreacting...but he also asks me to explain what I'm upset about. So at least he listens. I also get really defensive too...which I definitely get from my mom. I take everything he says the worst way possible...which doesn't help when we spend a lot of time texting.



SimplyAmorous said:


> It sounds you don't ENJOY his sense of humor.. does this bother him at all...
> 
> You respect He is responsible /mature where he needs to be... but yet, his funny side.... it irritates you... this is a vital part of who he is....I've seen threads here where this caused some hurt down the road...it's a way of connecting to each other even.... Just something to think about there.


We get along great most of the time and a lot of stuff he says is really funny and we share a lot of good laughs. But sometimes his jokes are immature and, in my opinion, not funny. I suppose that's the case with everyone but, when I get in these moody funks, I only see the stupid stuff he says, I can never think of the fun/funny times we have.



SimplyAmorous said:


> Is this for a day, a week- this every month to a month and a half?


Most of the time, it's just a weekend. But we spent a week for Thanksgiving together and I spent half of my Winter break with him (~10 days), which was nice. But its not usually like that.



SimplyAmorous said:


> I think its more than this, you are unsettled inside over many things...and you need to work on yourself ..understand what you want for your future, what type of man fits for you... why him... Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Besides he is patient , mature and responsible & he's been your BF for 4 yrs?


When I'm not being my crazy, overreacting, worrying, anxious self, I thoroughly enjoy spending time with him. And I can just...see us together. I love him. He would do anything for me. He strives to build me up instead of break me down. He's honest (sometimes brutally so, when I need it). And, I don't know...he's just an overall great guy. He's helped me grow as a person and in my faith. He treats me like I should be treated. And I sure hope I make him feel the same way too, despite everything. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> I'd put up a boundary to what you will tolerate in your life.. no one has ever challenged him, obviously ..and always let him get his own way... can you reason with someone like this...


My boyfriend has said several times that when we get married, if my dad does not respect me or us, he would definitely step in and say what he's been wanting to say for years. Which I find is great, but at the same time I don't want to be estranged from my family (a few years back my Uncle and Grandfather got in a huge tiff and there's still a huge rift between my Uncle/Aunt and the rest of the family). 
I don't think he holds himself accountable...he always seems to justify his actions. Apparently, when my mom confronted him for cheating, his words were, "Well, if a man doesn't get what he needs at home, he'll go somewhere else to get it." Um, what?


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## lerapp (Dec 29, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> You are a wise woman to ask these questions now instead of ignoring your anxiety and later feeling like you made a mistake - something that is more common than not (even in great relationships, it happens, and about half the time it's significant enough to lead to divorce and/or cheating.)


Well, thank you! I've been doing a LOT of thinking and I'm trying to figure this out before we get married, so I don't have to deal with it after. I don't want a divorce. But it's good to know that even "normal" couples have anxiety about some things.



KathyBatesel said:


> (In your case, you might benefit from learning about ACOA -adult child of alcoholic - behaviors.


Oh wow, I didn't even know this was a thing! I am definitely going to look into this.



KathyBatesel said:


> For these reasons, I'd encourage you to evaluate how the two of you match up on those five pillars of compatibility I linked to, and also to check out the Gottman Institute's pre-marital material available at Premarital Preparation | The Gottman InstituteThe Gottman Institute .


I looked over the five pillars and it seems that we are compatible in all of the major five pillars. I took the test and it came back with 75% complementary. I don't know if that's good or not...it also said I should take it several different times to make sure its accurate. I need to look at them more, as well as the Gottman info...I think that would be an interesting and beneficial read. 



KathyBatesel said:


> It's mostly neutral, with highs and lows that come and go. Big ones on occasion, but mostly little ones, like "I saw something cool on my way to work."
> 
> As crazy as it sounds, your dad would probably like your guy better if your guy was a loser! (You'll understand this better, too, if you start learning about ACOA and codependency.)


The neutrality of normal marriage surprised me at first, but I suppose it makes sense; you can't feel all romanced and lovey all the time! But like you said, as long as its more positives than negatives.

And that's funny that you should say...my dad hit it off well with a guy I had a thing with before I met my boyfriend. Unfortunately, he would often bail on me for other plans, was a really cynical person in general, and even spent 3 months saying nothing but jerkish things to me because "he just got out of a relationship and wasn't sure what he wanted".


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## kotlarbia (Jan 17, 2014)

I think you've already sensed much of your anxiety comes from dealing with a long distance relationship


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Well, you have already received a lot of good advice to which I have little to add. other than to remind you, when you say that sometimes he makes immature jokes, that he is young - recent research suggests men do not reach mental adulthood until 25, as are you for that matter. You will both change. If you love each other you will try to ensure you change in ways that bring you together rather than separate you.

I will add one good book to your reading list - the Five Love Languages. It helps a lot if you learn what they are and use them.

Good luck.


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## lerapp (Dec 29, 2013)

It's good to see so many people have undergone similar experiences in their own childhoods...it's hard sometimes because none of my friends have the problems I do and it makes me worry that they're completely sure about getting married to that one person and they don't worry about their future marriage. It makes me think something's wrong with ours. I just have to keep reminding myself that their upbringing was filled with a lot more love in the home than mine. I only have one friend (that I know of) whose parents were constantly going at each other, but they were divorced, so it was different. 

@LongWalk: POS tendencies? And I hope I can get this in check...and he's also said that pre-marital counseling is factored into getting married at his church, so we'd have that, which may help too. I have a couple years until that happens though. 

@kotlarbia: Oh yes, long distance definitely doesn't help. Sometimes I wonder how we'd be if we lived in the same area. And I don't know how much longer we'll have to go through this, since I still have grad school and he's unsure as to whether he's going to grad school or not.

@tryingtobebetter: Hah, that's a very good point as well. Any ideas as to how we'd be able to grow together despite being physically apart most of the time?


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

lerapp said:


> @tryingtobebetter: Hah, that's a very good point as well. Any ideas as to how we'd be able to grow together despite being physically apart most of the time?


That would be difficult while you are apart though you can always try both to take an active interest in each other's lives and interests.

I would make being in the same place a priority.


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

Its a good thing you recognize your anxiety. It means that you know you are too young and not ready for marriage.Nothing against marrying young (I did) but its not the right choice for everyone. Take your time! Don't advance your relationship (and I refer to all choices you may make, not just engagement or marriage) unless it feels natural.

As for the long distance, our first four years we spent 2 states away while I was in HS/college. (we started out that way) Our 5th year before marrying, we still only saw each other on weekends bc I lived on campus and he lived with my parents across the city.
*Being long-distance was the best thing for our relationship.* We were young, just like you two. At that age, you are just figuring out who you are. A healthy marriage is two people in a union, not a two-headed mass. You have to be your own person before you can truly be together. Living apart gives you the space and time to develop as individuals. If you try too hard to "grow together" at this point, in 15 yrs you will be asking yourself "who am I?" and it'll be hard to figure out because you've spent too much time seeing yourself as part of someone else. So enjoy yourself! If you spend the rest of the day focused on taking care of yourself, you may not be as inclined to have a "tantrum" during that hour while Skyping.

As for your dad, I believe that the emotionally abusive get very angry when normal people step up and take care of the people they have under their feet. Losing access to the person you abuse means losing control. (went through the same with my older brother and my H)


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