# I think my wife is addicted to erotic books.



## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Been married 18 or so years. Sex life is better than I ever imagined it would be at 50 years old. 
Problem is my SO is getting way too demanding in the bedroom. It all started with the 50 SoG series. Now she actively seeks out new erotic literature. 
This leads to some interesting bedroom adventures. But I do get the district feeling that I falling behind. Almost feel that I am not living up to her sexual ideals. I want her to slow down a little but feel like it would hurt her feelings.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

If she is in her 50's she has probably hit her sexual peak....women hit this usually starting in their later 40's. Those erotic books can definately fuel it....kinda like porn does for men. I kinda went there...:-/ ... Big guy decided I was getting a little carried away to. Decided to if I was so interested maybe we should try out some....one night when we got to bed he whipped out one of my books and proceeded to start reading the erotic sex scene to me...it was a.spank me bondage scene :-/ .... well it was an interesting evening we'll just say it that way. Your not a character in a book no more that she is a pin up girl ....I would just have an honest conversation with her about fantacy and reality......or you could do it my hubby's way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Lol thanks for the reply. 
We have acted out a few scenes. Just like your husband I gave it a try. 
Who would have thought she liked her butt being spanked. 
It's funny I did tell her the other night that I was not one of the fantasy men in her books. She has to take me as I come. But, I am spreading out and trying new things. Just don't want to disappoint her.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

20 hours after the OP asks the question. 

No army of angry men complaining that erotic literature has no place in a marriage. No claims of Kindle Infidelity. No questions on whether or not Excessive Erotica Ingestion belongs in the DSM V as a full blown diagnosis or an appendix entry.

What is alive and well apparently is a well formed double standard.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

I would only call porn/erotica a problem if it becomes a replacement for actual sex in the relationship. This goes for both genders for me. In this case, it seems she wants more and more variation, and he seems quite willing although perhaps a little intimidated. 

Personally, the bondage stuff does nothing for me. I didn't read 50 SoG, but I read the synopsis and found out it originated as Twilight fanfic (which was even more of a turn-off). But, if it turns on a woman to wanting more passion with her husband, that seems like it could be a good thing since women on this board are often stereotyped as the problem gender in most sexless relationships.

Oldmate, you've already started the communication process. That's good! If you are uncomfortable with anything, just tell her you love her, but that whatever she's wanting to try just doesn't make you feel comfortable. Say it kindly and suggest trying something else. Perhaps you could find out what her favorite scenes are and surprise her sometime by incorporating an element of it into your daily routine (for example, when you come home from work, don't just peck her on the cheek, pin her up against the wall and plant a nice deep kiss on her, or something like that).


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Oldmatelot said:


> Lol thanks for the reply.
> We have acted out a few scenes. Just like your husband I gave it a try.
> Who would have thought she liked her butt being spanked. I
> It's funny I did tell her the other night that I was not one of the fantasy men in her books. She has to take me as I come. But, I am spreading out and trying new things. Just don't want to disappoint her.


The fact that you are willing to try out some of the scenes is GREAT! Don't worry about disappointing her I am sure she is thrilled that your willing to explore this new stage of her sexual awareness with her. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Cletus said:


> 20 hours after the OP asks the question.
> 
> No army of angry men complaining that erotic literature has no place in a marriage. No claims of Kindle Infidelity. Ingetustion belongs in the DSM V as a full blown diagnosis or an appendix entry.
> 
> What is alive and well apparently is a well formed double standard.


Actually Cletus..just like porn erotic novels can become just as addictive. I don't think men in general realize how many women are heavily into them. Just like women don't understand men's use of porn....men don't understand women use of erotic novels. It's one our best kept secrets.....their just romance novels...right?....shhhh!!!! Sorry I am being sarcastic..but I actually agree. You should never bring anything into your marriage that will take away from that relationship and these novels just like porn can do that in my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

You poor guy...

Do you feel threatened and degraded.....

Do the buff guys on the covers damage your already delicate ego, and body image?.....

Do you have nightmares about your wife and Fabio?...

Does your wife ever stop to think about how fictional characters are degraded and dehumanized just so she can satisfy her sex book addiction?...

Oh the HUMANITY!!!!!! :rofl:


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Woodchuck...Fabio??? .....I am much more of a Duke, Buck, Big Jake, Jed....definately a Harley kinda gal....but Fabio...eww. Sorry I just had to have some fun!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm wondering if the "double standard" is not one of those Mars-Venus things. I mean for me...if my partner gets turned on reading an erotic novel, imagines I'm the hero in the story and F's my brains out I could care less she was thinking about someone else. She on the other hand is probably more concerned if she perceives me to be turned on by anyone but her. The end result is she's going to have more concerns about my porn use than I would have about hers. 

Obviously this is a sample size of one but I'm wondering if that doesn't apply to a lot of men and women out there.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I'm all for anything that fuels her imagination.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

mineforever said:


> You should never bring anything into your marriage that will take away from that relationship and these novels just like porn can do that in my opinion.


I agree. It's totally not cool to make one's SO feel like he can't measure up to your fantasy ideals.

And then the main response he gets to his thread is to be mocked for feeling that way. At least some of the responses to this type of concern are consistent, I guess

I wish I had better advice for you, OP. Have you talked to her about this yet? Does she even know how you feel? Maybe she'd be willing to dial it back a bit to give you a chance to catch up?


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> I'm all for anything that fuels her imagination.


Even if she makes you feel inadequate because you aren't measuring up? Maybe she looks mournfully at your member because it isn't quite big enough or your belly doesn't quite have that 6-pack? Calls out someone else's name in the throes of passion? Gives you the brush-off because frankly she has more fun by herself?

Because it is these issues that cause most of the problems. You guys are all assuming that somehow this fantasy life will automatically translate to better sex for you, and this isn't necessarily the case. In fact quite the opposite, as many women who are complaining about porn can likely attest.

I don't know the full story of the OP, but he pretty clearly states that she's making him feel like he's falling behind. That's not good no matter how you paint it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cletus said: *"20 hours after the OP asks the question. 

No army of angry men complaining that erotic literature has no place in a marriage. No claims of Kindle Infidelity. No questions on whether or not Excessive Erotica Ingestion belongs in the DSM V as a full blown diagnosis or an appendix entry.

What is alive and well apparently is a well formed double standard."*


But Cletus....the OP didn't say "she's reading these books and has no sex drive and doesn't seem to be into me at all and when I ask for sex she turns me down and she's is all secretive about it and it really bothers me and I have asked her to stop and she said she would stop but I found her doing it again over and over."

If he DID say those things, do you really think no one would come in and say this was a problem? Really? C'mon now.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Cletus said: *"20 hours after the OP asks the question.
> 
> No army of angry men complaining that erotic literature has no place in a marriage. No claims of Kindle Infidelity. No questions on whether or not Excessive Erotica Ingestion belongs in the DSM V as a full blown diagnosis or an appendix entry.
> 
> ...


My wife's chief complaint about porn was "You get all worked up looking at porn, and then come looking for me".....

Just the exact 100% 180 degree opposite of your scenario.....

In 47 years I have turned her down for sex once, when I was heavily under the influence of prescription painkillers.....I could have performed, but orgasm was out of the question....

But she was just as opposed to it as the other porn haters.......It is ALWAYS women feeling insecure about what turns on their mate....If they say otherwise they are lying to you and themselves....

the woodchuck


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

woodchuck...I don't actually care either way. I was just pointing out that Cletus's point wasn't true because this post was not like the ones he was comparing to.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> But she was just as opposed to it as the other porn haters.......It is ALWAYS women feeling insecure about what turns on their mate....If they say otherwise they are lying to you and themselves....


Umm, she was probably just felt that you were more aroused by them than her. Is it just insecurity if it's the truth?

Men here are saying that they don't care at all who she is dreaming about when she is having sex with them. I'd be more inclined to believe them if there weren't so many TAM threads with men unhappy because they think their wives would prefer to be someone else or that they don't measure up. Is this ALWAYS just men feeling insecure?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> woodchuck...I don't actually care either way. I was just pointing out that Cletus's point wasn't true because this post was not like the ones he was comparing to.


And which posts do you PRESUME I was comparing it to?

Maybe I was referring to this one, where the OP is aghast to find her husband using porn even though her sex life is by her own admission great? The moderator had to step in and delete posts:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/23696-just-found-out-my-husband-has-been-watching-porn.html

Or this one, where there's no mention of any sexual disconnect between the couple, and one of our resident anti-porn crusaders even maintained the distinction that "visual porn=bad" "written porn=ok" 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/66123-fight-over-porn.html

I could go on, of course. The point doesn't apply to every or even most of the contributors to TAM - but while nearly every thread in which a husband is found using porn becomes a target for the crusaders, this one barely rates a blip on the radar. It is less than two pages long a week after its initial posting. 

There is an identifiable double standard in play.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

So you pointed out 2 posts, when there are literally hundred and hundreds of posts where there *IS* a very big sexual problem occuring. 

Are you really saying there are as many "non-problem, the sex is still great" threads as there are "there is a HUGE sexual problem here" of men watching porn threads?

I will just say for the record here that I know many women who ARE addicted to porn and erotica, and it can be a huge problem....the same exact problem as it is when men are addicted to similar substances. This wife might be addicted as well, I don't know.

I don't have a double standard...if it is bad for your marriage, don't do it. Period.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

its a huge double standard!!!!!!!!!!!

JMHO

and I agree that anything that takes special time away from your marital sex life it just not a good idea.

now if your being rejected all the time then your partner may turn to romance novels or porn.or worse cheat.

Its in both the husband and wife's best interest to try their best to keep each other satiated sexually.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> So you pointed out 2 posts, when there are literally hundred and hundreds of posts where there *IS* a very big sexual problem occuring.
> 
> Are you really saying there are as many "non-problem, the sex is still great" threads as there are "there is a HUGE sexual problem here" of men watching porn threads?


I never said any such thing, nor would I imply it because it is easily demonstrated false, at least based on the record written here in TAM. No doubt there's a huge sampling problem here due to the nature of the forum, where in general those in distress are setting the agenda. It could be that 10 men are using porn responsibly in their relationships for every 1 who isn't, but we don't know, do we? 

I would argue, based on gut instinct and life experience, that the number of women who have a problem with their man viewing pornography vastly outnumbers the number of men concerned over their wife's reading habits. No, I have no scientific study to back it up. Knock me over with a sledge hammer if I'm wrong.



> I will just say for the record here that I know many women who ARE addicted to porn and erotica, and it can be a huge problem....the same exact problem as it is when men are addicted to similar substances. This wife might be addicted as well, I don't know.
> 
> I don't have a double standard...if it is bad for your marriage, don't do it. Period.


Which is completely orthogonal to the original point I was making. You don't have a double standard. Lot's of folks around here don't have a double standard about erotica, used appropriately. I certainly don't. So I guess my original response didn't apply to you. 

Out a sense of etiquette, I'm going to refrain from posting the names of those around here to whom it does apply. They, and us, know who they are.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Alright well "they" are wrong and "we" are right, then. Case closed.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Or this one, where there's no mention of any sexual disconnect between the couple, and one of our resident anti-porn crusaders even maintained the distinction that "visual porn=bad" "written porn=ok"
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/66123-fight-over-porn.html
> 
> ...


Heh. I just clicked your link and this thread is 3 weeks old with only 10 posts and nary a comment by anyone suggesting that porn is even slightly troublesome, let alone what you are accusing them of here.

ETA: I just clicked your other link, and while this one did get to 4 pages, same story. Nary an anti-porn crusader in sight. Methinks you might have your own agenda here.

As for the double standard? Maybe not so much.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Heh. I just clicked your link and this thread is 3 weeks old with only 10 posts and nary a comment by anyone suggesting that porn is even slightly troublesome, let alone what you are accusing them of here.


You're doing way, Way, WAY too much reading between the lines. 

I'll restate clearly for the sake of argument: 

1) far, far more women are disturbed by their man's use of pornography than men in the opposite situation, and 
2) women reading erotica are not reprimanded by those who find pornography unacceptable with anything close to the same frequency or vitriol as the men 



> ETA: I just clicked your other link, and while this one did get to 4 pages, same story. Nary an anti-porn crusader in sight. Methinks you might have your own agenda here.
> 
> As for the double standard? Maybe not so much.


From the first link alone, picked specifically because the OP said that pornography was not reducing the quality of her sex life:

Seems sorta anti-porn to me.
Link #1, response #1:


> I think porn is very bad for relationships. For many reasons.


Surprised by the double standard that apparently doesn't actually exist (from a female poster)


> On my feelings my dh and I actually argued about this the other day. He called me out on those trashy romance novels that I recently got. He got quite angry which surprised me because he never gets mad. BTW: I haven't read a trashy romance novel for probably 10 years so this was a "new" thing. And get this my husband is probably the only man on the planet that didn't know exactly what was in those novels (I had to open my big mouth and tell him). With this new knowledge he got angry.
> 
> He accused ME of using porn and he was visibly upset. We argued. Let me tell you being on the receiving end of this was NOT fun. I felt incredibly guilty and awful and I truly felt I'd done nothing wrong. All those novels did was really make me want to have MORE sex with my husband. I didn't dream of some other man. I didn't masterbate to them. I felt they were harmless. But his comments haunted me. So I did what I always did I started researching...


Other posts removed from the discussion entirely by the moderator for arguing the merits of porn. The fact that the moderator felt obligated to even make this statement is a clear indicator of how often this topic gets thrashed out around here.


> All posters, please refrain from turning this thread into another public debate on porn. Please keep your comments directed at the OP's concerns and refrain from arguing the pros and cons of porn.


Another upset by porn use that is apparently not diminishing her sex life.


> My husband and I have been dealing with the same issues. We have been together for 4 years. .married for 1. When I first found out about it. .I freaked out. I know I shouldn't have but I had never really been around porn. . never talked about with parents or anything. My mother was overly protective and didn't ever say much about porn/sex. I also felt hurt, unattractive, lied too and felt I wasn't good enough for him. We have fought on and off about this every since. I tried compromising and watching it together. . it seemed to work. .but find out he was still downloading and watching without me and not saying anything about it. I LOVE sex. . we do a lot of things together and I am very open to doing whatever. We do have a great sex life.


The most strident of the bunch.


> Men can justify it in any way they want to - but it's disgusting. You don't HAVE TO LOOK AT PORN, you will not DIE IF YOU DON'T LOOK AT PORN, you're life will not be worse off if you DON'T LOOK AT PORN.



Another admission of that double standard (by a woman) 


> This is the 1st I've ever heard of the MAN getting upset with his wife over reading a streamy Romance Novel. Interesting indeed. Most men would encourage such a thing if it got their wives hot & ready to jump on them, knowing their mind is enjoying such sexual fantasies


A clear opinion on porn, but no


> lisalovestom - I know how you feel about porn. I am right there with you. In my marriage, it has been a never ending battle with my husband. I think it is nasty and degrading.


You don't see the double standard. At least two other posters, both of them women, mentioned it directly in a 4 page thread. 

Apology accepted.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

cletus quoted:* "Another upset by porn use that is apparently not diminishing her sex life.

Quote:
My husband and I have been dealing with the same issues. We have been together for 4 years. .married for 1. When I first found out about it. .I freaked out. I know I shouldn't have but I had never really been around porn. . never talked about with parents or anything. My mother was overly protective and didn't ever say much about porn/sex. I also felt hurt, unattractive, lied too and felt I wasn't good enough for him. We have fought on and off about this every since. I tried compromising and watching it together. . it seemed to work. .but find out he was still downloading and watching without me and not saying anything about it. I LOVE sex. . we do a lot of things together and I am very open to doing whatever. We do have a great sex life."*



Sorry but, if he is sneaking around and lying about it, it IS causing a problem in their sex life.

Don't care of the one "using" is male or female.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Here we go....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Thankfully Cletus opened a new thread to debate it there.


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

Oldmatelot said:


> Been married 18 or so years. Sex life is better than I ever imagined it would be at 50 years old.
> Problem is my SO is getting way too demanding in the bedroom. It all started with the 50 SoG series. Now she actively seeks out new erotic literature.
> This leads to some interesting bedroom adventures. But I do get the district feeling that I falling behind. Almost feel that I am not living up to her sexual ideals. I want her to slow down a little but feel like it would hurt her feelings.


I'll get your thread back on track. 

I am 49 years old and need to borrow your wife's book for my wife to read. (If she would, that is). :scratchhead:

I would initially say to you, "Enjoy it while it lasts", you wife isn't going to always be revved up like she is now by a book she read. 

However, in taking your problem a bit more seriously, what do you mean by _"I want her to slow down a little"._?

Do you mean your not up to participating in PIV sex on a nightly basis, or you are tired from some sort of frequent marathon sex sessions, or she is introducing some adult sex toys that you are uncomfortable with, or the fantasy aspect of the book has become an obsession she is trying to make real with you. 

Also, you are 50, what age is your wife? Just curious.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

always_alone said:


> Even if she makes you feel inadequate because you aren't measuring up? Maybe she looks mournfully at your member because it isn't quite big enough or your belly doesn't quite have that 6-pack? Calls out someone else's name in the throes of passion? Gives you the brush-off because frankly she has more fun by herself?
> 
> Because it is these issues that cause most of the problems. You guys are all assuming that somehow this fantasy life will automatically translate to better sex for you, and this isn't necessarily the case. In fact quite the opposite, as many women who are complaining about porn can likely attest.
> 
> I don't know the full story of the OP, but he pretty clearly states that she's making him feel like he's falling behind. That's not good no matter how you paint it.



I can't speak to your presumption as I do not have that issue to deal with. My comment is accurate to my experience.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Faithful Wife said:


> Cletus said: *"20 hours after the OP asks the question.
> 
> No army of angry men complaining that erotic literature has no place in a marriage. No claims of Kindle Infidelity. No questions on whether or not Excessive Erotica Ingestion belongs in the DSM V as a full blown diagnosis or an appendix entry.
> 
> ...


But if he says it is a problem, it is a problem, right? Cletus is right, there is a massive double standard at play here. Male sexuality is scorned and female sexuality is celebrated.

To the OP: I have an active imagination and I too read erotic literature and use it to enhance our sex life. My wife felt the same as you, like she would never keep up. We now try and restrict the kinky sex and we make sure that there is lots of loving sex too. 

Don't feel bad, just say you love to be loving too. Develop your own fantasies and play those out. Enjoy the ride.


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