# Did the right thing? Then why still anxious?



## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

So I am going to try to keep this as short as possible. My girlfriend and I are going through very different situations right now. I live with my parents while going to college and working, and she is living with her grandparents while working and going to college. We spend as much time as possible together, but to her it isn't enough. Anyway, we have been dating a year and she brings up moving in together, kids, marriage and stuff like that a lot. I have told her before my position on these things but she still casually brings it up which makes me feel uncomfortable because I know I am not ready for those things. She has become more depressed as of late because of everything she has to deal with... full time work and school, bankruptcy, deathly ill grandfather, history of no real relationship with her own family, she doesn't really have a relationship with her grandmother who she lives with now, and she doesn't have any real friends to talk to... and because of all that I feel a lot of pressure and weight on my shoulders when she says "You are the only thing good and my life," and "You are the only thing getting me through day to day." At first I thought they were sweet comments but the more I thought about it, the more in concerned me. I mean, we don't see each other very often, but I almost feel like i'm carrying the emotional weight of both of us. She has a past of anxiety, physically abusive relationships, and depression so she gets overwhelmed pretty easily. I try to reassure her, and be positive but it doesn't help. 

Because of the anxiety and depression I have been feeling the last 3 days I decided I had to let her know just how pressured and smothered I felt. She cried a lot when I told her these things, and we were on the verge of breaking up which I thought maybe it would be the best so we can both individually work on our own lives, but we ended up agreeing that perhaps we can salvage this. In all honesty, I am not put at ease. She apologized to me and told me she is sorry of how selfish she was, and she even gave me her most valued possession (a ring her mother gave her (the only nice thing her mom has ever done for her)) and told me that she promises to be better and to go to counseling so she can deal with her past abusive relationship trauma and her lack of relationship with her parents... which I guess might be abandonment issues. The things is, we have been on a rollercoaster of a relationship... on the verge of breaking up, then making up... and after everything that happened last night, I feel like I am hanging on by a thread. I want hope again because I really love her.

Advice?

Thanks.


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX HER, I learned this the hard way. I tried and tried and tried to fix my wife's insecurity issues, but all it got me was frustration and resentment.

She needs counseling, and so do you. All men want to be a hero and save a woman they love from pain of any kind, and I promise it's a long painful road to go down, YOU CANNOT SAVE HER, but you can support her if she REALLY wants to help herself. But you need to get help for your anxiety and depression, even if you 2 decide to call it quits.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Things like this come into marriages too. If you can get past it, it is a huge sign that things can be good.

This one sounds tough, and once you are in a relationship, personal issues are both easier and harder to deal with.


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

How can I get past it? I am the kind of person where I feel if I can't help, then i'm worthless. And I feel with my past, I am just obsessing obsessing obsessing... I can't stop thinking about the relationship, all the specifics, and the anxiety. I don't understand why I can't just let go and see what happens like we have been doing up until now. I've always been the one saying that we need to live for the moment and not worry about the future, and here I am obsessing about whether things will get better... It almost seems like tings have changed overnight, and I can't put into words what I am feeling. I feel all mish mashed up. I was talking to my mom telling her how I love my girlfriend, we've been together for a year, and it just feels wrong to leave. I feel like if I didn't want to be with her, then this wouldn't be so hard. 

But she is telling me that I need to take a day or two and think about whether I really want to be with her. That kind of sucks, because I feel like I want to be with her because she is a genuine person who would do anything for me and is honest and attractive... but if things are so great why can't I stop obsessing about this and nitpicking every little detail about the relationship?


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

psnuser12 said:


> How can I get past it? I am the kind of person where I feel if I can't help, then i'm worthless. And I feel with my past, I am just obsessing obsessing obsessing... I can't stop thinking about the relationship, all the specifics, and the anxiety. I don't understand why I can't just let go and see what happens like we have been doing up until now. I've always been the one saying that we need to live for the moment and not worry about the future, and here I am obsessing about whether things will get better... It almost seems like tings have changed overnight, and I can't put into words what I am feeling. I feel all mish mashed up. I was talking to my mom telling her how I love my girlfriend, we've been together for a year, and it just feels wrong to leave. I feel like if I didn't want to be with her, then this wouldn't be so hard.
> 
> But she is telling me that I need to take a day or two and think about whether I really want to be with her. That kind of sucks, because I feel like I want to be with her because she is a genuine person who would do anything for me and is honest and attractive... but if things are so great why can't I stop obsessing about this and nitpicking every little detail about the relationship?


Because you were blindsided by her feelings, it happened to me too. I can certainly understand what you are going through.


You feel worthless, like you have no value to her, you are putting her up on a pedestal and idolizing all the great things about her. You feel like," why doesn't she love me, why doesn't she understand how much I love her?" 

Start doing some things you used to do before you met her, things that made you feel good. Fun stuff YOU HAVE TO GET HER OFF YOUR MIND, RIGHT NOW!!!!



Don't make the same mistake I did, show her you are strong enough to handle this, That is what she is looking for, A MAN, Not a wussy.


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

wanttobehappy56 said:


> Because you were blindsided by her feelings, it happened to me too. I can certainly understand what you are going through.
> 
> 
> You feel worthless, like you have no value to her, you are putting her up on a pedestal and idolizing all the great things about her. You feel like," why doesn't she love me, why doesn't she understand how much I love her?"
> ...


I know she loves me, but I keep wondering whether I am fooling myself. She has been nothing but great to me. I've never had a girl pay for drinks when we would go out, and she even bought me flowers for our one year anniversary. 

I have been trying all day to get my mind off her just even for 5 minutes and its seemingly impossible. I just can't stop thinking about her or this relationship for a second. Just the sound of getting a text message on my phone is enough to send a anxious flutter through my body. Idk what's happening and its driving me nuts. I am terrified that I may be just fooling myself by staying in the relationship where in context, nothing is going on that is abnormal. I've been trying to find comfort in this relationship for 4 days, but my anxiety is very high and idk how to address it. Trying to be a man about it, and I feel like leaving her would be a mistake but idk what to do or what not to do. No matter what I occupy myself with I have no peace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

psnuser12 said:


> I know she loves me, but I keep wondering whether I am fooling myself. She has been nothing but great to me. I've never had a girl pay for drinks when we would go out, and she even bought me flowers for our one year anniversary.
> 
> I have been trying all day to get my mind off her just even for 5 minutes and its seemingly impossible. I just can't stop thinking about her or this relationship for a second. Just the sound of getting a text message on my phone is enough to send a anxious flutter through my body. Idk what's happening and its driving me nuts. I am terrified that I may be just fooling myself by staying in the relationship where in context, nothing is going on that is abnormal. I've been trying to find comfort in this relationship for 4 days, but my anxiety is very high and idk how to address it. Trying to be a man about it, and I feel like leaving her would be a mistake but idk what to do or what not to do. No matter what I occupy myself with I have no peace.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you slept? You need to sleep, take some benadryl, an ambian, something. Get some sleep man.


Trust me, I've been through all of this, recently. Just let her initiate contact, I promise you will thank me later.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

listen to wanttobehappy if you follow the road you are going down things are going to get very very painful. Either A) she is playing games and testing you B) she has serious issues and is testing you without realizing she is testing you thereby putting you in a no win situation as there is no set parameters for you to pass the test its all on her whim.

It really sounds like its a case of B


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

Niceguy13 said:


> listen to wanttobehappy if you follow the road you are going down things are going to get very very painful. Either A) she is playing games and testing you B) she has serious issues and is testing you without realizing she is testing you thereby putting you in a no win situation as there is no set parameters for you to pass the test its all on her whim.
> 
> It really sounds like its a case of B


One thing that will shock the bejesus out of her, and you, is when you talk to her again and DON'T SOUND EMOTIONAL. Trust me, when she loses control of the situation, it'll show. 

She may say some hurtful, disrespectful things, just remember that she is angry and she wants you to validate her feelings *DON'T DO IT.* Act as if this isn't bothering you (even though you are dying inside) don't let her see it. You will have everything you want, as long as you keep your cool.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

I am in the case B boat mostly. Wife has had an EA the guy she had EA with if it would of turned PA would of bragged. EA is still ongoing but I have my "feelers" out for more then an EA. She honestly sees nothing wrong with the EA. She doesn't even accept its an EA.Then again she has lost all respect for me and my boundries. Mainly because for years she has been throwing emotional temper tantrums and I have always either A) responded supportingly or B) backed down and said sorry.

Some of the games shes not even aware she plays and those are the ones that really irk me. Tobe short though she is so emotionaly "damaged" she only knows how to take joy in herself and not to take joy in other people. I.E. I took the kids out today because We had promised to take them tot he cherry blossom festival. Wife canceled and I didn't feel like going but I couldn't let the kids down. So despite not wanting to go I rounded them up took them and took joy in them just enjoying themselfs (while I was bored off my arse and going crazy handling two rugrats by myself in a foriegn country.) wife would of b****ed the whole time that she wasn't personaly being "stimulated." Do to her "damage" I am in a no-win situation either I cater to her and become a doormat or I am an uncaring insensitive prick because she is unhappy and I am ignoring her,or I am being a [email protected]$$ for making a quip back about how its fine the kids are enjoying themselfs lets just relax and watch them.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I can give you hope. I was like your girlfriend. Unfortunately my husband married me anyway with absolutely no clue what he was in for. Almost from day 1 of being married I treated him horribly because I assumed that would solve all my depression/anxiety/abandonment issues but it only made them worse. The first 7 years of our marriage were pure hell because of me. We almost ended up divorced but we sought counseling which quickly turned to individual counseling for me. It's been a long rough road but I'm on the other side of it and we will celebrate 20 years of marriage this year.

So there is always hope. But listen to these guys. You can't fix her, you can't be the end all everything to her, she needs her own life, her own friends, etc. She's messed up and you have no idea how bad this will get if you aren't careful. My sister is like this too (we came from the same abusive childhood) and she's twice divorced and is still messed up. I love her dearly but she's a disaster. Men should run from her until she gets some serious serious help. She won't even listen to me and I've been there.

oh and all those nice things that she's doing now....trust me when I say this they WILL end if you marry or move in with her. She can't maintain it on a day to day basis. I couldn't, my sister couldn't we can't give away what we don't possess. It's easier from a distance.

You both need counseling and lots of it before you proceed any further. And even then no matter how well she seems it takes YEARS to recover from abuse. Then if you have kids like I did they trigger even more emotional crap that has to be dealt with. For me it seems like a neverending battle but one I'm willing to fight. But is your girlfriend willing to do the same?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your girlfriend cares for you and you care for her. However, she is wrapped up in this rescue fantasy more than anything else.

If you go down that road when you are not ready for jumping in with both feet you and she will suffer for it.

If the two of you are ready to be a team, then be one. If not?

Stand your ground.

If she can't handle that, then you part.

You don't have to be a total jerk about it either (and I don't think you have been).

She has a sad life, truly. I hope it improves.


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