# Should I stay or should I go



## trexy66

I have been with my partner for a total of 5 yrs we have been married for 1 and a half of those yrs.I have 4 children he has none.I have a 10 yr old daughter still living at home.For the most part my husband and daughter get along well,she call's him dad and has for about 4 and a half yrs,her bio dad is not allowed near her as there is a no contact order.Last week my husband and I had a big fight because out of anger he called my daughter a brat and told me she was childish we did not talk for 4 day's.when he did decide to talk to me he told me that my daughter would have to grow up and quit being so childish he did not know if he could continue staying in the marriage if my daughter continued her way's.He mentioned 2 things that really bothers him 1 he does not like me tucking her in bed at night he thinks that she is too old for that and 2 when I leave the house she will wave to me until she can no longer see me in sight,a few times my husband has dragged her away from the window and has left her very upset.There is alot of resentment and I am getting very stressed.I don't think my daughter and I should change our rituals to make our mariage harmonious expeccially when it is so petty.I am starting to wonder if I should even stay in the marriage or walk away.I can't even talk to him about it because he sticks to what he feels.Any suggestions or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated


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## draconis

my daughter is eight and I tuck her in and run to her if she has a bad dream, I will do this until she doesn't ask for it anymore. He is being childish and frankly seems jealous of the bond the two of you share. That bond should be fostered, not torn apart.

draconis


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## GAsoccerman

how does he treat your other three? Youor daughter is going through a rough time and I guess he does not know how to handle the situation.

I ahve a 10 year old daughter, I do not tuck her in and she could care less when we leave, but that is just her, she is a very weet little girl and everyone loves her. But If I were to yell at my children for making my house a mess she would end up balling, I always feel bad but part of life.

She still believes in Santa and the easter bunny, still believe the world is a nice place....I want her to hold onto that as long as possible.

Once they are not a kid, then it's lost forever, kids mature at their own pace. He should let her be tucked in and wave at the window as long as she wants.

I just don't get why people want their kids to grow up faster then their own mature rate, let them be kids.


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## Green-Moo

I can't for the life of me think why a grown adult should feel threatened by a little girl getting tucked in or waving. Something must be bugging your husband for him to be reacting so strangely to something that's innocent. If you intend the marriage to survive, I think you need to find out what that issue really is.


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## Amplexor

Absolutely Green-Moo. I find the behavior bizarre also. Something else must be afoot. 

Love your child and as long as they will let you tuck them in, do it. Those times are precious and should be savored. It won’t be long until she is a teen and would rather be texting on the phone instead of talking to you. Your husband committed to you and your kids years ago and your daughter has been molded by the influences of both of you. You need to, as a couple, discuss what it appropriate behavior for your daughter. Dragging her away from the window when you leave is not appropriate for your husband. You are in the right here not him. This is obviously a big issue for you as a couple and family. I would suggest family counseling. Good luck.


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## swedish

My daughter is 12 and she goes to bed on her own but still every night asks me to stop in her room before I go to bed. I will do that until she asks me not to because I know how fast they grow up. His behavior sounds bizarre to me also. If he had just come into the picture recently I'd say maybe it's because he's not experienced with kids, but he's been there long enough to get a sense for what it's like to raise kids.


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## Liza

Does she wave to him when he leaves the house? Does you ask him to do little specials things for her? Perhaps he's just jealous of the relationship you guys have.


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## carmaenforcer

I'm a Dad of a 16 month old baby boy and I am still aloud to tuck him into his crib, lay him down whatever, he also does that waving at me from the widow till we can't see each other anymore. 
I think I'll be crushed when I can't do that anymore. Your husband is tripping and you just need to set him straight. I don't think it should come to breaking up/divorce but I don't know it's your battle if you want it or not.


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## trexy66

I want to thank those of you that replied to my post.I sat down with my husband on the weekend and had a conversation it was not pleasent and left me feeling very angry and hurt.We were in the process of the legalities of adoption so he could adopt my daughter and he told me to call the lawyer and put that on hold,I cried so hard it was like a big blow.I have made an appointment for us to see a marriage counseller he said he is willing to go but to tell you the truth I don't know if I can get back the feelings that I had for him.I feel like taking my daughter and running away.


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## draconis

Your children should always come first and there isn't anything as grand as the innocence of childhood.

draconis


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## trexy66

I am trying so hard to stop the resentment and to feel the way I used to about my husband,all my thoughts are centered around leaving with my daughter.I don't like these feelings any more and I keep feeling like this is the end.We are going to counselling in a few day's I am really nervous about that I have never been to couples counselling and I am almost scared to be honest because I don't want anymore conflict but I know things have to come out in order to get any help.


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## swedish

I can understand you being nervous, but from what you've shared here, he does seem to be unreasonable when it comes to your daughter. It will do him good to hear a 3rd party perspective on it, rather than mom's. Best of luck. I hope it works out for you.


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## trexy66

This is a never ending battle that I don't know if I can over come and I am scared.I don't know the reasoning maybe it is because he said he did not want to adopt my daughter but now I am picking up on any little thing he saids about her and I am probably being petty and some of the things he said's she laughs at so maybe it is just me.Here are a few examples please give me your opinion as I don't want to seem like an oveer protective mother.

If my daughter is going to put something in the microwave she will ask me how long and he will say to her figure it out for yourself quit asking your mother how to do everything.

He made a comment today saying your daughter did this,I corrected him by saying who's daughter and then he will reply our daughter.

I have saved all of my daughter's teeth that have fallen out and she found them and put them in a nice little container and said I want to keep these forever and he replied like everything else you own.

There are so many other things that I just can't think of right now.Has any one ever been to couples counselling before I am getting worried and I really don't know what to expect.I have become very depressed lately and I find I can't wait until he goes to work in the morning and I enjoy being at work so I don't have to see him.My daughter is spending the day at home with him because I am at work.I went home for lunch and I asked if he was being nice to her and she kind of laughed and said yes which is making me think maybe I am making a mountain out of a mole hill.


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## stav

What about your other kids Trexy? You are talking about leaving with your daughter, but you have four kids?

I think your husband is maybe a little jealous, as all the kids are yours, not his and yours. Have you discussed having a baby together? Your daughter waves you to work, what about him? I know it's childish of him to be jealous of a kid, but men need attention too, and sometimes have feelings that might be considered childish. No different to women really.

Is it only your daughter there is this problem with? You don't say anything about his attitude to the others, or if he is adopting them too..

I also think you need to think carefully about what you are maybe doing yourself that might be making him over react in this way? 

It takes a very brave man these days to take on a woman with 4 children, and he must love you very much.


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## trexy66

I do have 4 kid's but only my daughter is living at home,my oldest works for my husband and he can be very critical of him also.We are a middle aged couple so we have no plans to have kids together,I can't and he never wanted kids and that was one of his comments when we were arguing he told me that he was warned about being with a woman who has kids.My husband and I separated about 4 yrs ago because he was not getting along with my eldest son so that is why it concerns me that we could get to that point again only this time over my daughter.I don't understand why he wants my daughter to grow up so fast she is only 10.He has pushed her away in the last couple of months and I don't understand why.


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## draconis

trexy66 said:


> .. he never wanted kids ... he wants my daughter to grow up so fast


I think you have your answers and already said them, he never wanted kids, he doesn't share you with them well and wants them out of the way.

draconis


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## GAsoccerman

:iagree:
With Dracs last post.

This guy sounds like a Jerk. Why did he marry you if he KNEW you had children, that Children are alot of hard work.


he is just selfish and self centered.

Do you happen to live in the Northeast? Being from NJ originally, reading some of your comments sounds like typical NY Metro Obnoxious sayings, or Boston Area, with the backhanded Comments.

No reason for your daughter to live like this, you either tell him to treat her as a 10 year old, or to get some Counseling.

Sounds like this is how he was treated as a youngster.


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## pigpen

I have a 10 year old myself. There IS a transition period here when the child is struggling to become independant but does not want to let go of babyhood. 
It is NOT a bad thing to encourage independance. Doing for themselves will make them more self confident and self assured. 
However, even the 10 year old needs some coddling now and again.

Of course I do not know the whole story. But when your child is asking for help - do you help or do you just do it for her? 

I agree that your man is a little rough with his comments. But perhaps he sees you are having a hard time letting your girl grow up?

Don't give up the night time tuck-ins and extra hugs. Your daughter will still need those. Yeah - even as an adult it is awfully ncie to be tucked in. 

But you both might benefit from playing games to encourage her independance and begin to take the first steps away from you. Its ok to help when she needs it. It is also OK to suggest she does read instructions for her self. 

When my son is asking me how to do something - I say "hmm...that is usually on the box. Why dont you see if you can find it. If you can't let me know and we can read the instructions together."

In this way he has direction about what to do - but he also can take a step towards self sufficiency. That IS the goal of parenthood after all.

Why not compromize? You still tuck her in AND encourage her to do more for herself. I bet your man will lighten up when he sees you and your daugher are making a transition into her teenhood together.


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## GAsoccerman

what does your son say about this guy?? what about your other 2 children, are they out of the house as well?

I still think he is a jerk.


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## confusedinTX

You are not being hard on yourself and in my opinion he should be glad that your daughter has that love for you and still needs and wants you in your life and is not out there plotting to kill her teacher like those 3rd graders or out having sex. You are so lucky to have a strong connection with her and that will pay off as she gets older. A trust now might help her come to you when times are hard as a teen so she doesn't find herself in trouble. That was the case with me and my mom. I don't get his reaction but please don't think you are overreacting to it. I hope things get better with professional help and he moves forward with the adoption. I think you should be proud of yourself for having a child who is that connected to you and I can only hope I can say the same when I daughter is that age.


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## confusedinTX

I think a professional will help you even if it doesn't help him so try not to worry too much about it and good luck,


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## stav

Well i think your comments regarding him never wanting kids is the heart of the problem. As they grow up and change, develop their own personalities, he is having trouble dealing with it. There is definitely jealousy there too. 

I think some professional advice might help.


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## trexy66

We went to marriage counselling together a couple of weeks ago,it went quite well and saturday I caught him watching porn which he knows bother's me and we have not spoken since,we were supposed to have gone to marriage counselling yesterday but he refusd to go.It is difficult being at home as we are not talking I am sleeping in my daughter's room.I don't know where to go from here.


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## swedish

It sounds as though marriage counseling is a good path for you both right now. I'm sorry to hear he refused to go & I hope that is temporary due to you not speaking. 

I married my husband 7 years ago & have 3 children from a previous marriage. He was never married and had no children. There is a part of me that would love to fall right into a traditional family but my reality is not that. A simple example is a family portrait or Christmas card. I will only have them done of the children because my husband is not comfortable in being part of that. 

One of the biggest struggles for me has been that since I have had these kids from day one we have that unconditional love for one another. I can only imagine how difficult it is to walk into my situation. My husband felt more like an intruder than a welcome addition to our family & he's jumping in when they are at all different ages without any parenting experience & dealing with teenage attitudes/disrespect, etc. 

We could have easily gone down the path of me feeling alone in raising the kids and feeling that he didn't agree with my parenting, etc. or him feeling unwanted and unneeded in our lives. We were as close as a couple could get to being at that point. 

The key for us was (as said over and over on here) to talk to each other about how this or that made us feel. The more we talked, the better able we were to understand where the other was coming from. I hope you are able to continue counseling. If he can open up to why he is irritable you can begin to work on things together so you both feel supported by each other. It's worth a try if it means the guy you fell in love with resurfaces.


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## trexy66

Well after about 1 week of the silent treatment my husband said to me that it would be a good idea if we split up.I asked why and he said there were a few reasons lack of kinky sex,a daughter who is too childish and I am too sensitive.Some of you have followed my threads and I appreciate the advice and words of wisdom that you have given me I just wanted to update you and let you know what has happend


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## draconis

I wish you the best of luck.

draconis


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## swedish

I'm sorry to hear that trexy. If he is not willing to put in the effort, you should not have to go from day to day torn between doing what you believe is right as a mother and pleasing him. 

I'm sure there is an abundance of kinky, insensitive ho's out there for the taking if that's truly what he's looking for?!? 

Stay strong in your convictions and best of luck to you and your children.


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## stav

That is such a shame Trexy, that he is not prepared to join you in making an effort to save your marriage. 

Perhaps it's time to start looking at your options and get some professional advice about your rights.

Good luck.


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## Green-Moo

I'm sorry to hear that Trexy, but unfortunately it does take two people to make the effort so if he isn't willing to try then perhaps it's better to quit now than beat your head against a wall.


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## trexy66

Update hope this all makes sense as it has been ongoing for awhile and it seems things have changed,I have also written posts in the separation and divorce section.I believed that my husband had major issues with my daughter and that was the reason we separated.
I received an email last night that really shocked me and I will share it with you,I have deleted names.I am very confused and I need some help trying to figure out what happened.I have now moved on dating a wonderful man,but I am scared of making the same mistakes as my husband said.Here is the email Dear T Just would like to tell ya you that I have had a lot of time now to kind of understand what happened between us and it’s just my thought.
The first problem started with you not trusting me and almost kicking me out before we got started. It was over expecting me to do everyone’s laundry? *when he moved in he would do very small loads of laundry never put my clothes or my kids in to be washed and I believed he was being inconsiderate this was also a test, back them we were newly together I had been in an abusive relationship prior to this and I wanted to see if he could get angry not the right thing to do but I guess he never got over it I got upset with him. *You went really heavy on me and guess I should have never came back then. The next shot I got was of course with your son and this one was damaging to me, never got over it and neither did my folks. *He wanted my son out of the house and I chose my son instead of him and kicked him out, we got back together he moved back in and we married 4 yrs later.* But I loved you and let that go again. In my book you were very wrong in both these situations. And after that you seemed to get better about things and seemed like maybe we were on the right track. But it just hit me tonight what was wrong, you were on the right track and I wasn’t  I had fallen out of love with you and was looking at other women but would have never ever cheated on you but actually I was in my mind. And im so sorry for that and im having a hard time dealing with it. If I truly loved you I would only have eyes for you! And yes im crying right now.
But guess what! We can learn from this and move on, we have to let our past go and start fresh. I truly hope you can find a guy that felt about you the way I did when I first met, and you can learn to give back emotionally as well, you need to start hugging and touching more. And main thing is trusting.
This is closure for me because I have suffered so much over this year mentally and physically and its time to forgive you and myself for what happened.
By the way your daughter and I are getting along great and I want to stay in her life if she wants to stay in mine, just remember life is busy so I need to start calling her more often and see how she is doing.
one last thing what opened my eyes was a song and that song was "lady" by Kenny Rogers the words just age so true and make sure if any guy wants to date you make him listen to this and tell him he better go by this or move on!! Ok by for now T take care and I hope you find happiness.


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## Honey

Your children should always come first. I know a girl that was married, but was having troubles in her marriage. She left her husband (didn't divorce and got back together) and told the new guy (that she ran around with) that her son wasn't hers. 
I could never tell someone that.


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## 2bmeagain

The pull you have between you husband and your daughter is strong I am sure...but keep in mind your daughter is your flesh and blood, your husband will be there for you after your children are gone and you will grow old together. BUT a man that feels that a little girl is being childish because you tuck her in at night and waves goodbye to you; I'm sorry is NO man in my book. I am 39 years old and I still wave to my mom at the window until she is gone and my daughter is 9 years old and I tuck her in at night and we have a ritual of our goodnight saying that we say every night and I wouldnt be able to sleep nor would she if we didn't. I feel strongly that there is something else bothering your husband other than this; talk to him openly and see what happens...


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## zwilson50

Do you think it is smart jumping right back into a relationship? i'm not sure of the timeline of all this but already jumping back into the game isn't that smart in my opinion. Love yourself before you love someone else and I think that you need to do you for a while before relying on someone else.


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## Awilkerson

I think he is having an issue with parenting. I think what is bothering him is that he believes you may cater too much to your daughter. I am not saying that this is possible but what I am saying is that he may feel there is a parenting issue that isnt being addressed. It seems to me that him pulling her from the window is his way of reacting to what he feels may be considered as inappropriate or childish behavior for a girl her age. I imagine there are other suggestion he may make about how you should parent your child but they probably arent considered. His frustration lies in the fact that his suggestions, not so much arent being done, but i think he may feel they arent even considered, and are in fact disregarded as not a possibility of ever happening. To answer your question directly I think you need to focus on a parenting plan for the both of you together with the daughter instead of possibly viewing your husband as a step-father and not necessary to the parenting of "your" child. as you said in the begining " I have 4 kids...he has none."


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