# what to do....



## LEFTUNKNOWING (Nov 27, 2012)

i don't know what to do i'm at a loss...my husband and i were having some very serious problems and i never could talk to my husband about anything. my ex text me one day and for some reason i started talking with him about the problems i was having with my relationship with my husband (my ex and i also have a child together).
Before i knew it we started sexting and that led to the real thing. it all felt unreal and i felt wanted again. when reality set in about what i was actually doing i felt sick to my stomach i had cheated on my husband the person i was truly in-love with and had betrayed in the worst way..
i had feelings for my ex but not love, and i didn't want to do it any more i wanted to fix my troubled marriage but i had just made things worse. i wasn't sure how things were going to turn out but i ended the affair and i told my husband (in detail) of what i had done... of course for months i was called everything under the sun and i took it because i felt like i deserved it all!!
then i find out that my husband was seeing a woman he works with our marriage almost ended but hasn't. he was meeting her after work and talking and texting her on his work cell. after we decided that we wanted to make our marriage work we went to a marriage counselor but she didn't help she talked mostly about our personality animals and of herself never getting to the problem at hand so we quit going.
in august we decided to work on our marriage and we wanted to stay together because we still love and care for each other! then in the middle of september something told me to look at his phone he was still talking to the woman he works with even outside of work (its bad enough he works with her) i talked to him about it and he got angry and threw up in my face about what i done then he said he would quit talking to her....
well here it is the end of november and i find out he is still doing it. she post some things on facebook with a few of her friends that were uncalled for i find out that she has been messing with him for over a year and a half!
i looked on his work phone just a few days ago and i see her number again... i talked to him about it asked him why because we were doing so well i thought he said i can't be mean and not talk to her he's not ended it yet been 9 months.. i asked him why i ended mine cut all ties dont even meet him to get our son broke everything off completely! of course he started throwing what i done then back up to get the attention off of what he is doing.. i don't know i just do not know what to do about the whole situation. I love my husband with all my heart and i want my marriage to work we also have a daughter together but what do i do if he won't end his so that we can truly work on our marriage and move forward???


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Your husband must come to the realisation that his friendship with this female work mate is at a detriment to the marriage. But this cannot be achieved by your insistence or badgering. Unless he's convicted of the need to avoid this friend it will never occur to him to put the marriage first and it will happen again even if he says he will break ties with this friend. Both of you clearly have issues to work out and it won't be sorted out in a rush. But the friendship with this woman is one thing that can be sorted out quickly (by him, not you). You need more communication for trust to be built up again. It must start now, with dealing with the tough issues in a calm and non-confronting manner. All the best for that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there,

sorry for what you are going through, you are enabling your husband to continue his affair by doing nothing.
you need to sit him down and tell him you want to save the marriage and that you love him but not with 3 people in the marriage.
he will have to totally give up the ow for life neve seeing her again, he will have to leave the job.
he will have to be totally transparent and you will be aware of his whereabouts at all times.
you also need to expose the affair to everyon that is important to him, kids, family and friends.
the work place expose will need to happen as well.
also expose the ow's side her family as well.
the harder it is to continue the affair the better, get in their way.
your husband will be angry, so what, your marriage can survive exposure not te affair.
your husband needs to know you are serious in spite of your mistake, you just repeating to him you will do what you have to to save your marriage.
tell him if he wont stop contact he needs to move out and you will contact a lawyer and file for divorce.
appear strong and firm.
come here and vent.
your husband will soon learn that his fantasy life isnt so special when he doesnt also have you and his family.
the ow will put demands on him, you sit back and watch it all demo right in his face.
let him feel all the embarrassment the financial difficulies the guilt of leaving his daughter, let it all weigh heavily on him.
if he moves out then use someone else to relay messages and do the transfer of your daughter when he sees her.
when you completely stop filling all the needs you are for him right now and the ow had to he will see the ow is not an option and he is blowing his family for nothing.
this may take weeks or months and there is no guarantee but right now you dont have a marriage you want anyway.
in the meantime and during the time you do have together always look good smell good and be that woman he fell in love with, work on what you dont like about yourself, be a great mother, daughter, sister friend.
make him see life for you will go on without him.
this is one day at a time, moving only in the right direction.
come here when you need someone to talk to and give you support 
i know its difficult to live but you can start driving the bus yourself to this recovery, dont accept the redirection of your mistake so he can continue, thats over he will understand you have moved to a better place since your mistake and intend to never look back.
your husband has to chose one life or the other, dont just sit there and let him slip further and further from your marriage, take a stand. of course its scary but you have to mean business or he wont take you seriously, get separate bank accounts, tell him you can be in such a dangerous position that you need to protect yourself and your daughter.
good luck


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

It's very clear that he is having the realtionship with this woman as a revenge for your physical affair. I have a feeling that he might not end it until he feels he gotten even for your affair. As far as you know, has his relationship with this woman gone physical yet? I think you need to find a real councillor that can do you both some good. You are not going to be able to repair this on your own.

Normally I would tell you to tell him either it ends or you are going to leave him but because of the damage you already inflicted on your marriage by your physical affair, I think you rendered that tactic ineffective. Don't minimize the damage your affair did to him and to your marriage.


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