# Who am I as a person?



## 6kids&donecounting (Mar 22, 2012)

I married at 19, moved out of my parents house directly into his, we immediatly started a family. It felt right at the time but now I feel like I don't know who I am as a person besides a wife and mother. This among other issues is causing problems in my marriage.

Has anyone else gone through this? If so what did you do to help yourself. Any resources I could use to help find myself.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

6kids&donecounting said:


> I married at 19, moved out of my parents house directly into his, we immediatly started a family. It felt right at the time but now I feel like I don't know who I am as a person besides a wife and mother. This among other issues is causing problems in my marriage.
> 
> Has anyone else gone through this? If so what did you do to help yourself. Any resources I could use to help find myself.


I went through it but as the husband that had to watch it evolve and wonder day to day how it would turn out, would I lose her, would she find herself and still think I was the one? It is probably the most heartbreaking sad time of my life and there was nothing i could do other than bite my tongue. She is a very strong willed woman who has to make her own decisions. She cannot be driven to anything so I just had to try and make the right moves on my part to provide an environment for her to make the right decision. 

She said she loved me but didn't know what she wanted. I didn't understand. I was a good husband but maybe not good enough. I never figured out what it was she wasn't getting from me that she needed. I just knew she was cheating or was about to and all I could do was hope for the best. It got very dicey for a while but in the end she didn't sleep with anyone else and just suddenly woke up one day and thought "what the hell am I doing?

In short my advice is be very careful what you do at this point. You are in a vulnerable position that can go either way. I hope the best for you and your spouse.


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## 6kids&donecounting (Mar 22, 2012)

michellesears said:


> That's a very good question to ask yourself and it's worth all the effort it takes to find out. You need to know who you are, what you like, what you don't like, what inspires you, and lots of other things.
> 
> It makes you an all-around better person when you truly know yourself. I have a self esteem building website, not saying you need a self esteem boost or anything, but I do have this worksheet on there entitled Who Am I?
> 
> ...



Thank you for the info I will definately check that out. That's exactly what I want to get ou tof this journey not just for me, because I have girls and they're getting older and I want them to have a good female support system starting with me and right now I don't think I am that because I don't know these things about myself.


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## 6kids&donecounting (Mar 22, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> She said she loved me but didn't know what she wanted. I didn't understand. I was a good husband but maybe not good enough. I never figured out what it was she wasn't getting from me that she needed. I just knew she was cheating or was about to and all I could do was hope for the best. It got very dicey for a while but in the end she didn't sleep with anyone else and just suddenly woke up one day and thought "what the hell am I doing?
> 
> In short my advice is be very careful what you do at this point. You are in a vulnerable position that can go either way. I hope the best for you and your spouse.


I don't want to be with another person at all I love my husband so much but since I don't know about me he dosen't either. We took a test to see what we knew about eachother and I could answer just about all the questions about him but he could barely answer the ones about me..........neither could I. I don't know what I want to do with my life, don't know what really makes me happy besides my family. That is not the journey I want to take at all (exploring other people) I just want to find me.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Your story is the reason I am so against marriage before 25. Even 25 is too young. People need time to form their own identities outside of marriage. At least you are taking the time to try to define yourself outside of being a mom and wife. Is it possible for you to obtain some hobbies or perhaps return to school?

I knew a woman who had her first child at 17 and became pregnant at 19 so that her husband would marry her. Now she is 30 with four children and not even a high school diploma. 

This would not be such a waste if this woman was not uncommonly bright-she threw away a lot of potential. She talks about getting satisfaction from the achievements of her husband and kids, but I can't help but wonder if someone so smart wouldn't want more to her *own *life.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Stonewall said:


> I went through it but as the husband that had to watch it evolve and wonder day to day how it would turn out, would I lose her, would she find herself and still think I was the one? It is probably the most heartbreaking sad time of my life and there was nothing i could do other than bite my tongue. She is a very strong willed woman who has to make her own decisions. She cannot be driven to anything so I just had to try and make the right moves on my part to provide an environment for her to make the right decision.
> 
> She said she loved me but didn't know what she wanted. I didn't understand. I was a good husband but maybe not good enough. I never figured out what it was she wasn't getting from me that she needed. I just knew she was cheating or was about to and all I could do was hope for the best. It got very dicey for a while but in the end she didn't sleep with anyone else and just suddenly woke up one day and thought "what the hell am I doing?


 Wow Stonewall, didn't know you went through anything like that. I take it this was your early marraige, I know you married so very young!! Like your wife again, I am Mrs Strong willed too...I kinda went through that as well...but only while dating...It was very hard for him when I gave his ring back, what was really awkward was..I was living with his wonderful family , had a room upstairs ! I had a job & could have left on my own...I came to my senses fairly quickly , nothing really fell apart for us. He too ...just waited, gave me that time... ...I never cheated on him -I was honest the whole time ....where my head was at. 

I just knew I had to figure this out before I walked down any aisles. Why we dated so very long (8 yrs)... After I went out with another...it seemed that was the push I needed ... we moved in together, and planned our wedding, I never looked back or had a 2nd thought. 

I do feel young people, if they have only been with one person , should date a little bit outside of that, my experience was terribly small but I know I needed that somehow, or I feel I might have always thought ..."what if "? Somehow. I was never a partying type so I didn't care for that scene, and college was never something I felt I missed. 

Though I see all the FUN my oldest is having right now...he says he wants to be a professional student, I do wonder sometimes thinking...darn that would have been a blast !

6kidsanddonecounting, I could say the same....I have 5 boys. 


Here is the question... WHAT IS YOUR PASSION...what are you good at ? What makes you feel good about yourself ?? What does others praise you for ?? It could be anything? 


What are you feeling you are missing ? 

How old are you, mid life crisis ??


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## 6kids&donecounting (Mar 22, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> 6kidsanddonecounting, I could say the same....I have 5 boys.
> 
> 
> Here is the question... WHAT IS YOUR PASSION...what are you good at ? What makes you feel good about yourself ?? What does others praise you for ?? It could be anything?
> ...


I'm 27 so kind of like pre-mid life crisis. People always tell me I'm good with my hands. I love doing things like that, I do hair (although I've had no training), I make things, I love doing DIY, I love cooking & baking and making new things. I've done stationary for my aunts wedding. Pretty much anything creatively using my hands. I didn't finish high school but I did get my GED and before I left school (I had my first at 17) I wanted to go to school for culinary arts. But as time went on I felt that it was not fair for me to go after those things full time anymore, even part time I felt guilty like my job now was supposed to now just surround my children and husband. Even now when I do something I like something in my household gets neglected (usually because of there not being enough time in the day) and I feel like I get scolded for it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> I am sad about the questions you asked...I don't have a passion, I am really not good at anything, but being a mom. There is nothing I do for myself to feel good about, everything I do, I do for others. Though, I do think I am good at being a mom and at my job, but those are things I have to be good at.
> 
> I have gone so long putting others first I don't know how to be my own person. And, that is the honest truth. I want to find myself, but don't know how or where to begin.


 I've never had trouble telling others No if I felt my boundaries are being pushed...well it helped a little after reading a book I mention below.. 

I have another book on my shelf entitled...."If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". ... So true ... we need to take time for ourselves sometimes, being a mom is a selfless thing, but I have always said it was rather selfish, I just wanted kids !! But still I like to get off with friends sometimes, take a bubble bath alone, go read a book under a shade tree, go out to eat , see a movie with the husband.... we need other enjoyments in our life too. 

It can wear you down if you never get a break, if you feel like you are drowning in pleasing everyone else. There are times I say to my kids... "I am not your Mom today.. get it yourself" ! It is no crime, it helps them gain some independence too. I have learned over the years to be such a multitasker, that I can get alot done in a very short amount of time, this helps keep the stress down too. I am not the type to sit and watch cartoons with my kids though. In this respect, I am "less of a good mom" than others. But they are happy children.

Do you have friends who can swap baby sitting for you... so you can get out of the house, take a class , do you read books .... WHat do you like to read about ? What did you enjoy before you married & had children? This may give you some clue ....to find a twinkling of your inborn interests... that passion. 

Can you join a Mops group, this is a great place for Moms to connect with other Moms who feel just as you may be feeling.... there is a link on this page where you can find a group. MOPS International - Mothers of Preschoolers 

If you feel you are always saying "Yes" to everyone and loosing control of your life, this is a great book for you to read.... It was one of my favorites when I was younger, some of my girlfriends were pushing my boundaries... this helped me alot - to no longer feel guilty for saying "no". Even our kids can push those.. a book for that too !

 Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life 

Boundaries with Kids: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Children


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

6kids&donecounting said:


> I'm 27 so kind of like pre-mid life crisis. People always tell me I'm good with my hands. I love doing things like that, I do hair (although I've had no training), I make things, I love doing DIY, I love cooking & baking and making new things. I've done stationary for my aunts wedding. Pretty much anything creatively using my hands. I didn't finish high school but I did get my GED and before I left school (I had my first at 17) I wanted to go to school for culinary arts. But as time went on I felt that it was not fair for me to go after those things full time anymore, even part time I felt guilty like my job now was supposed to now just surround my children and husband. Even now when I do something I like something in my household gets neglected (usually because of there not being enough time in the day) and I feel like I get scolded for it.


You are 27 with 6 kids !! Are you sure you are done, I have a friend who has 13 ! She started out like you. Ha ha 

Sounds like you are crafty and very domestic.. these are gifts - use them! My MIL was a craft person, she used to make things all year round, then sell them at the local Arts & Crafts festival, she also painted...her favorite shopping stop is Micheals. It gave her great joy. Doing stationary for someone's wedding ...very nice, very personal. 

Sounds like you have a passion for cooking.... I bet your husband & kids are blessed there.  I am not the best cook around, for me, that is just something that needs to be done ... but I love to hostesss parties... People who are good cooks can really bless others with gifts like that also... having friends over . I know a lady, I swear she lives to cook, and her friends jump at her parties cause they eat so well. This gives her purpose. I know it does. 

I friend I graduated with sells cookies on the side, she has built a name for herself in our area. 

It does sound with as many kids at your young age, taking on even something part time could be stressful, if it is outside of the home... how would you have any time for your husband [email protected]#$

But in the meantime... you could surround yourself with books, learning more about where your heart is leading and when the youngest is in 1st grade (if you are not having anymore)... then it should be easier to set your mind to something... maybe starting out part time....you are still so young!! 

You should like you have ALOT of passions to me !


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You can start by accepting that THIS is the life you chose for yourself and quit blaming this on your husband. Take ownership of your own dissatisfaction. 

If you do this and look inward instead of seeking validation from outside you will find your meaning.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

If you ladies can do so, it might help to take a class. I don't mean obtain a diploma or degree if you don't want to, I am speaking of community classes like yoga or any other interest. It might help.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> You can start by accepting that THIS is the life you chose for yourself and quit blaming this on your husband. Take ownership of your own dissatisfaction.
> 
> If you do this and look inward instead of seeking validation from outside you will find your meaning.


No need to be so harsh. 

I don't see her blaming anyone at all.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> Who said anything about blaming the husband??


Nobody did, hence my post about being harsh for no reason.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> No need to be so harsh.
> 
> I don't see her blaming anyone at all.


She said THIS (among other things) is causing problems in her marriage so absolutely she is blaming him for this. If she weren't she'd know he had nothing to do with this particular problem and she wouldn't have added it to her list of complaints.

I get unhappy from time to time but it does not affect my marriage as I know it's not my husbands fault. I own it.


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## 6kids&donecounting (Mar 22, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> You are 27 with 6 kids !! Are you sure you are done, I have a friend who has 13 ! She started out like you. Ha ha
> 
> Sounds like you are crafty and very domestic.. these are gifts - use them! My MIL was a craft person, she used to make things all year round, then sell them at the local Arts & Crafts festival, she also painted...her favorite shopping stop is Micheals. It gave her great joy. Doing stationary for someone's wedding ...very nice, very personal.
> 
> ...


I could def pitch a tent and live in Michaels :smthumbup: But I am done having babies, I'm getting "fixed" on 4/13 and I actually just had a baby in January so I have like 6-7 years till I have the freedom of him being in school all day. I've never really been a reader (except for Harry Potter ) but I'm getting into it now since I need the help so I will be doing alot of that the next few years. Time is my biggest issue when it come sto doing things for myself so I tend to end up doing things late at night after everyone has gone to bed, which is also an issue because when it comes to most things late at night dosen't work because like my family the world has also gone to bed so if I do do something It's like going out partying which dosen't help me find me. Vicious circle..............

I guess I've put up these barriers between me and myself and I have to take them down the hardest part is figuring out how.:scratchhead:


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## 6kids&donecounting (Mar 22, 2012)

I'm not blaming my Hub for anything. He married a "woman" I just need to figure out who she is and he has virutally nothing to do with that.


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## 6kids&donecounting (Mar 22, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> She said THIS (among other things) is causing problems in her marriage so absolutely she is blaming him for this. If she weren't she'd know he had nothing to do with this particular problem and she wouldn't have added it to her list of complaints.
> 
> I get unhappy from time to time but it does not affect my marriage as I know it's not my husbands fault. I own it.


I added the "among other things" because there are other things that I have posted about and I didn't want to fool ppl into thinking my marriage is without any other problems so I could hopefully get a better range of responses to assist me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

6kids&donecounting said:


> I'm not blaming my Hub for anything. He married a "woman" I just need to figure out who she is and he has virutally nothing to do with that.


Fair enough.

I can tell you who you are but you won't believe me.

You can take all the college classes you want, take up a hobby but it will only give you more labels to add to your resume it won't define you. 

You are seeking 'who I am' from an outisde source but you are already here. A living, breathing, lovely woman. It's normal for you to feel this way as I was there once at that age. What I implore you to do is to go inward seeking answers not outside. You will never find peace in the world. The world says you need a career, money, status, a label to define you and I'm here to tell you it doesn't work that way.

I had the career, lived on my own, did all that and yet I still struggled with 'who am I as a person'. Can't you see no matter which path you take at some point everyone must answer this question? The answer then MUST come from within.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

6kids&donecounting said:


> I added the "among other things" because there are other things that I have posted about and I didn't want to fool ppl into thinking my marriage is without any other problems so I could hopefully get a better range of responses to assist me.


Marriage problem rarely happen in a vaccum and there are many many layers of them. I've been married 20 years so I'm kind of an expert. You didn't fool me.

I assure you of this. If you become a seeker and fix yourself from the inside out your life and your marriage will be transformed. Almost if by magic.


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## 6kids&donecounting (Mar 22, 2012)

I agree with u that it has to come from within but I have been struggling with for a few years and I'm at a loss at what to do to help streghtnen the relationship I should have with myself. When he asks me question about myself that I don't have the answer to, I feel like who wants to be with someone like that?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I don't know if you are a reader or not but I have the perfect book for you. It's called Awareness by Anthony DeMello. Gave me a headache the first time I read it (it's that blunt) but if you can grasp these concepts your life will be transformed.

I've read over a HUNDRED self help books and hands down this is the best one. It is the one I reach for anytime I feel negative about anything.

I highly recommend it to anyone seeking to answer this question.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I love what Mavash just said !!

Maybe I am odd... but my main passion is being a Mom, mentoring my kids, helping them with thier own WINGS to leave this nest someday...even though I will cry, I will be proud, knowing I had purpose... being the best wife I can be (after all he will always be by my side -I hope!)... reading stuff that interests me, just having good friends to hang with, laugh & cry with, and do fun things with. Concert, plays, bonfires, out dancing, out to eat. 

It really is simple stuff... I am of the belief... no matter what you do..or don't do... it isn't worth anything without emotional connections tied to it. Look at Scrooge, he had a career - He has all that money, but none could stand him. 


I went to a funeral of my Best friends Grandma yrs ago... I sat there watching all of her family & friends get up & talk about her life, the memories she left behind.... her kindness, her generosity, she brought laugher to all who knew her....She even allowed me, her granddaughers best friend to have 0 interest on a house we were buying on Article of Agreement (I was blown away by that)... .it was like the happiest funeral I ever went too.... but she didn't do anything exceptional with her life... she was on the poorer side even, she was just a Mom, a wife, a sister, a friend... but a damn good one..obviously. 

Maybe I am rather simple, but that is really all I think I need...and to enjoy the ride while I am here. 

So mothers don't beat yourself up too bad about where you are right now , maybe you are missing the silver lining somehow.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

6kids&donecounting said:


> I feel like who wants to be with someone like that?


Do you want to be with you?


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## 6kids&donecounting (Mar 22, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Do you want to be with you?


Honestly, I don't think so....


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## 6kids&donecounting (Mar 22, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I love what Mavash just said !!
> 
> Maybe I am odd... but my main passion is being a Mom, mentoring my kids, helping them with thier own WINGS to leave this nest someday...even though I will cry, I will be proud, knowing I had purpose... being the best wife I can be (after all he will always be by my side -I hope!)... reading stuff that interests me, just having good friends to hang with, laugh & cry with, and do fun things with. Concert, plays, bonfires, out dancing, out to eat.
> 
> ...


Sometimes I feel like that sall I should need but then my husband (still not blaming him) says things that make think if I should want more because he does.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

6kids&donecounting said:


> Sometimes I feel like that sall I should need but then my husband (still not blaming him) says things that make think if I should want more because he does.


What do YOU want?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

6kids&donecounting said:


> Honestly, I don't think so....


Do you know why? What was your childhood like?


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## 6kids&donecounting (Mar 22, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Do you know why? What was your childhood like?





Mavash. said:


> What do YOU want?


I'm very indecisive, passive, and often don't have my own opinion. I never have anything to say so conversations with me are like pulling teeth. When he asks me what I want I never have a complete answer. I'm not sure what my childhood has to do with anything because you can only use that as a crutch for so long.

I want to be comfortable with myself and any advice I would have to give my children because they will look to me for this.


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## 6kids&donecounting (Mar 22, 2012)

Yes, it does. I've tried not to use it as an excuse but I guess it does have an effect on adulthood. I do have counseling starting soon so I guess thats something I'll have to explore. Thanks.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

6kids&donecounting said:


> I'm 27 so kind of like pre-mid life crisis. People always tell me I'm good with my hands. I love doing things like that, I do hair (although I've had no training), I make things, I love doing DIY, I love cooking & baking and making new things. I've done stationary for my aunts wedding. Pretty much anything creatively using my hands. I didn't finish high school but I did get my GED and before I left school (I had my first at 17) I wanted to go to school for culinary arts. But as time went on I felt that it was not fair for me to go after those things full time anymore, even part time I felt guilty like my job now was supposed to now just surround my children and husband. Even now when I do something I like something in my household gets neglected (usually because of there not being enough time in the day) and I feel like I get scolded for it.


As your kids get older you will be able to free up more time to explore career and personal interests. But the reality is that you have 6 kids and your family needs you. You are the only one that can be their mom.

I gotta tell you. I know SO SO many men and women who have fancy careers and big houses. They look like the picture of success on the outside. But you know what they want more than anything? They want to be what you are. They would love to chuck all that stuff and be with their kids full time. You are not missing out on anything. 

Try to appreciate all that you have. Being a SAHM is great for the kids and is such a lucky thing to be able to do. Being a mom to 1 kid is tough. 6? OMG. you ARE good at something. You really are supermom. Embrace it.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Wow Stonewall, didn't know you went through anything like that. I take it this was your early marraige, I know you married so very young!! Like your wife again, I am Mrs Strong willed too...I kinda went through that as well...but only while dating...It was very hard for him when I gave his ring back, what was really awkward was..I was living with his wonderful family , had a room upstairs ! I had a job & could have left on my own...I came to my senses fairly quickly , nothing really fell apart for us. He too ...just waited, gave me that time... ...I never cheated on him -I was honest the whole time ....where my head was at.
> 
> I just knew I had to figure this out before I walked down any aisles. Why we dated so very long (8 yrs)... After I went out with another...it seemed that was the push I needed ... we moved in together, and planned our wedding, I never looked back or had a 2nd thought.
> 
> ...


Yeah it was a helluva rocky time for me. She never cheated but I just knew in my mind that she did or would if it continued long enough. I never accused her (that I remember) of cheating. But I had to decide if it was worth salvaging if she was. 

I decided I wasn't going to let go without giving it everything I had so I made the decision to forgive her of what I had come to believe she was up to. That was difficult as hell! I didn't say it to her as we weren't in a place in our relationship to talk about it; but I did it in my heart and mind. 

It is much easier to redirect force than to stop it head on and believe you me she is a force to be reckoned with. I let it evolve by adding indirect pressure here and there. and one day she just came to herself if you will.

Yes it was about 7 - 8 years into our marriage. Very long time ago. About 27 years ago now.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

6kids&donecounting said:


> Yes, it does. I've tried not to use it as an excuse but I guess it does have an effect on adulthood. I do have counseling starting soon so I guess thats something I'll have to explore. Thanks.


It took therapy for me to learn how to be happy and content in my own skin. It didn't come easily or quickly but I wanted it bad enough seek it.

I had a sucky childhood that I had to undo. I had no self esteem or self worth. I didn't like myself either.

All in the past now.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

While I concur that therapy is helpful (I have had a total of four years.) I think that people view it as a panacea or the answer to all of life's problems. The person seeking counseling has to be willing to listen and implement changes, or else all that talking is useless.

I don't believe in spending decades in therapy-at some point, we have to stop going over our past and use the concepts we have learned independently. Running to a therapist for every problem just creates unhealthy dependency. 

I find that timelines work for me because it gives me a goal to focus on. I told myself I wanted to be out of therapy by age 30 and I managed to do so. This new decade will be about applying all that I have learned in counseling. I refuse to be 40 years old and still talking about my abusive mother. She is not going to steal any more of my life.

Everyone is different; this is just my view and what has worked for me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

And I think therapy takes as much time as it takes and you can't put a timeline on healing.

I was very abused as a child and therefore there is no way I could have healed from this by the age of 30. No way. I had to grow myself up again and that took time. 13 years to be exact. I'm so glad I didn't just quit. I would have sold myself very very short. 

No I didn't go to therapy the whole 13 years. I've had 3 rounds in that time each one a year each. In between rounds I focused on implementing what I'd learned in therapy going back when I got stuck or life hit me with things I couldn't handle.


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## 6kids&donecounting (Mar 22, 2012)

I've never been to therapy before this will be my first time. I've been avoiding it because I thought it was kind of a joke or for crazy people. My family is very disconnected when it comes to emotions and life issues so I never had any guidence growing up they are pretty much all about "find a good man that will take care of u" no real way of showing how to be anything but a wife and mother. Also my dad wasn't around and none of the other women in my family (well thats pretty much all of them) had a man in their life then or now. So there was also a void on how to keep a marriage in tact. Lots of things from my childhood could be causeing the issues I'm having.

I do see everyone point on the "grass being greener on the other side" point, and I appreciate every moment with my kids but sometimes I just feel empty.


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## Summer days are gone (Mar 21, 2012)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> I don't want to hijack 6kids thread, but I do feel the same as her.
> 
> I am sad about the questions you asked...I don't have a passion, I am really not good at anything, but being a mom. There is nothing I do for myself to feel good about, everything I do, I do for others. Though, I do think I am good at being a mom and at my job, but those are things I have to be good at.
> 
> I have gone so long putting others first I don't know how to be my own person. And, that is the honest truth. I want to find myself, but don't know how or where to begin.


 Great. Who said that u r not good in anything dear. U r good in serving others. What do u think about serving others. I think by reading all ur posts that, u will do this simply great, as u give others life more important than urs. U can do volunteering were they serve others may be child care organisations, or if u like aminals go for those sort of organisations any thing that serves others. U see the best thing is to start with positive attitude. Once u do this u will know ur passion may be u can be a good Social Worker. I think society requires Good and honest people. Dont be sad. When God has given u Life;He also has a destiny in His mind. U will get it. Give Time some time. Feel good, Love urself is the only solution. Think about it dear.
:smthumbup:


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

6kids&donecounting said:


> I've never been to therapy before this will be my first time. I've been avoiding it because I thought it was kind of a joke or for crazy people. My family is very disconnected when it comes to emotions and life issues so I never had any guidence growing up they are pretty much all about "find a good man that will take care of u" no real way of showing how to be anything but a wife and mother. Also my dad wasn't around and none of the other women in my family (well thats pretty much all of them) had a man in their life then or now. So there was also a void on how to keep a marriage in tact. Lots of things from my childhood could be causeing the issues I'm having.
> 
> I do see everyone point on the "grass being greener on the other side" point, and I appreciate every moment with my kids but sometimes I just feel empty.


My heart goes out to you. I remember that 'empty' feeling well. I tried to fill it with all kinds of things like a college degree, a career, husband, the house, kids, junk food, etc. and none of that worked. That empty feeling in me had a name it was called lack of love for myself. My marriage began falling apart almost from day 1 because I had no idea what a good marriage even looked like. I didn't know how to love myself much less someone else.

On therapy there are some real quacks out there so don't give up if it takes you time to find a good one. I've been to 5 and love the one I have now. She's like a therapist, life coach and the mother I never had all rolled up into one. If you don't click or aren't feeling better in 5 sessions walk away.

Again this was no quick fix but I no longer feel empty. Just takes a willingness to do the work and above all else don't give up. Never ever give up on your dreams of having that fulfilling life. You deserve it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Stonewall said:


> and believe you me she is a force to be reckoned with.


My husband says this about me too. So sorry you went through that Stonewall, that was a # of yrs after you married too, she was in her mid 20's by then... sounds like you handled it in the right way. 

I have been silly enough to tell my husband he should have not just "waited around so lovingly for me" back then..... but told me he was going to go out & date too... I probably wouldn't have liked that, or IF I heard some girl was moving in on him, I just know that would have been the end of my experimenting ... "a little jealously" can put a flame under some women, we'd come to our senses real quick! But he didn't do that, I kinda took advantage of his kind nature... yeah.... I know... bad Me. But I got something out of my system.... so it all worked out.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Summer days are gone said:


> Great. Who said that u r not good in anything dear. U r good in serving others. What do u think about serving others. I think by reading all ur posts that, u will do this simply great, as u give others life more important than urs. U can do volunteering were they serve others may be child care organisations, or if u like aminals go for those sort of organisations any thing that serves others. U see the best thing is to start with positive attitude. Once u do this u will know ur passion may be u can be a good Social Worker. I think society requires Good and honest people. Dont be sad. When God has given u Life;He also has a destiny in His mind. U will get it. Give Time some time. Feel good, Love urself is the only solution. Think about it dear.
> :smthumbup:


I like this post... :iagree: 

The 1st time I read this saying (below)... I loved it so much, I wanted it for on my living room wall.... I wanted to make it personal -put a picture to the words somehow , so I got a Large picture frame , had my husband drill holes so I could dangle 7 hearts underneath with words of this saying written on each...then choose a picture of 2 of my little boys riding horsey on my back while I am on my hands & knees - we are all laughing. Good memories... 

This is the saying:


One hundred years from now
It won't matter
What kind of car I drove
What kind of house I lived in
How much money I had in the bank
Nor what my clothes looked like
But
The world may be a little better
Because, I was important
In the life of a child


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

SA I mean this with all respect. I never had a mom like you. In fact neither of my parents even liked me. (Do you have any idea what that does to a child?) How can someone like me be important to a child if I have no idea what that looks like? 

It took professional help to get me to understand everything you are posting on this thread.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> And I think therapy takes as much time as it takes and you can't put a timeline on healing.
> 
> I was very abused as a child and therefore there is no way I could have healed from this by the age of 30. No way. I had to grow myself up again and that took time. 13 years to be exact. I'm so glad I didn't just quit. I would have sold myself very very short.
> 
> No I didn't go to therapy the whole 13 years. I've had 3 rounds in that time each one a year each. In between rounds I focused on implementing what I'd learned in therapy going back when I got stuck or life hit me with things I couldn't handle.


I started therapy at age 17 for one year, another year at age 20and two years at age 28. I still go back for a session if a crisis has occured, but that is very rare. I have not quit, I am come to the end of my healing _with a professional_. Now I work on healing myself independently.

*hug* Not being loved by a parent, especially a mother when you are female, does all sorts of serious psychological damage. It took me many years to learn that the abuse was never my fault and I had to allow myself to be angry with my mom. I feel compassion and pity for her because now La Maman is a lonely old woman, in a sh!tty marriage with adult children who rarely visit or call. She wants to be my best friend, but I cannot bring myself to let her in...my own mother is too emotionally volatile and manipulative. I don't need the drama of a narcissist in my life.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> I started therapy at age 17 for one year, another year at age 20and two years at age 28. I still go back for a session if a crisis has occured, but that is very rare. I have not quit, I am come to the end of my healing _with a professional_. Now I work on healing myself independently.


You got a big jump start ahead of me. I didn't start therapy until I was 33. 

Didn't realize I had a problem before then. Well I did but was convinced those 'other' things in life would make it all better. But then one day as I sat in my corner office, married to the great guy, owned a beautiful house, had plenty of money and was still empty I began to get suspicious that something else was wrong. Ya think? LOL


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> SA I mean this with all respect. I never had a mom like you. In fact neither of my parents even liked me. (Do you have any idea what that does to a child?) How can someone like me be important to a child if I have no idea what that looks like?
> 
> It took professional help to get me to understand everything you are posting on this thread.


I didn't have good role models either, I had a mother who left me, had a nervous breakdown after a couple yrs being single ran off with a severe alcholic to another state - and I got stuck living with a step mom who wanted my dad all to herself , never planned on raising someone else's child -she didn't even want her own 2 (who still do not talk to her to this day- funny how I remained friends with her daughter)..... 

Believe me, I envied "happy families" when I was growing up... why I wanted my own so darn bad to make up for what I feel I personally LOST in my youth. 

ONe either falls into the footsteps of your parents and their mistakes in life... or if you hated what you went through bad enough... you learn from their mistakes how NOT to live..and treat others. 

I did have a wonderful Grandmother next door who favored me and I had the mothers of my friends -these were my examples... I remember writing on my wall some nights " I hate _____ , I hate _____ , I hate ______" .... I could go on & on about some of the ways I was treated, --not really "put down" per say.... but pretty much "ignored" -left on my own, I was a very independent teen who , if I messed up, hell would be the result. My bf/husband felt it was a little like emotional abuse in some ways..... I just bi***ed about her to all my friends while growing up - Sometimes I didn't get lunch money, I always ate in my room alone, there were notes on the fridge door what not to touch, they worked me hard... I was near a model teen though... they couldn't complain. And they know it !

When I was 18, bf brought me back home , they had my whole bedroom on the porch , she even told me when I leave I was not to come back. ...for a time I was living in a camper in someone's back yard, husbands dad told me to come live with them. 

So please don't think It was roses for little ol' me. Not so! Did I take all the BS lying down and internally... NO.. I ranted about it to whomever would listen, once I even tried to run away. My Best friends house was my escape - this was more my family...and my grandma. I never let it all get to me. I had other people who loved me , so this made all the difference in my world.....we all do need some of that. 

MY father was a good man, but he was wrapped up in his wife, we were just not very close. I am accually alot like the man. 

Amazingly, I love my step mom today, she even admits she was very very TOUGH on me and if anyone has a right to be upset, it would be ME. But I am not, it is funny how my husband can remember some of the stuff that happened -that seems to be completely erased from my psyche. Crazy! I have no resentment at all. 

I never had any therapy for anything, I just read alot of books ! And I have never held my anger in, I write it out, talk it out to those who are in my life. I know deep within, we can rise above anything - if we so set our mind to it. 

I did buy a couple books on anger when I was in my teens - cause I was struggling with that - towards her big time.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> *hug* Not being loved by a parent, especially a mother when you are female, does all sorts of serious psychological damage. It took me many years to learn that the abuse was never my fault and I had to allow myself to be angry with my mom. I feel compassion and pity for her because now La Maman is a lonely old woman, in a sh!tty marriage with adult children who rarely visit or call. She wants to be my best friend, but I cannot bring myself to let her in...my own mother is too emotionally volatile and manipulative. I don't need the drama of a narcissist in my life.


Thanks. My parents disowned me 13 years ago but I hear more than I care to about them from my sister. My mom is your classic enabler to my narcissistic dad. I was his narcissistic supply and therefore my mother loathed me for it. Yeah like that was my fault. 

I feel pity for both of them now. I 'think' they committed my dad. He became a raging drunk who was threatening everyone including my mother and yet she stayed. I have no sympathy for her. She made that bed and now she must lie in it.

My sister is still caught in the middle and I have to keep reminding her I'm OUT of this family so stop telling me details. I seriously don't care anymore what happens to them.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

SA the one thing I know about you is that you are extroverted. You were likely surrounded by some kind of support that did aid your recovery. I'm impressed that you overcame by just reading books.

I was a shy, introvert who had no one to vent to. I have been on my own since the age of 10. Until therapy I didn't even know books like that even existed. Now of course I've read 100's of them.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> SA the one thing I know about you is that you are extroverted. You were likely surrounded by some kind of support that did aid your recovery. I'm impressed that you overcame by just reading books.
> 
> I was a shy, introvert who had no one to vent to. I have been on my own since the age of 10. Until therapy I didn't even know books like that even existed. Now of course I've read 100's of them.


On your own since the age of 10 [email protected]#$%^.... how did that work ? I am not familiar with your story, who did you live with? Or maybe you meant alone.... emotionally. 

True for me, I had a best best friend, her family, some other friends ..... then I met my husband at age 15.... My relationship with my best best friend was slowly going downhill, she was getting on with a wilder crowd, smoking pot, the partier type & this was not really my thing -plus my step mom would have killed me... 

So the boyfriend kinda took her place... I couldn't ask for any better support than him - he's never let me down....... he was the shy introvert --but he came from a loving family, no issues. We were both very very good for each other.

When I hear so many say.... OH don't get into a relationshiop until all your baggage is gone, you know who you are ... . I just think to myself.. this is not always true, sometimes another can help you get on your feet and help you love yourself , find yourself even. That is what he did for me. And at the same time...I know I boosted his confidence as well. We built each other up. 

Everybody needs somebody. Most of us have some dysfunction, that is pretty normal accually. Even once we find ourselves ... still some dysfunction remains. We're human afterall.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

6kids&donecounting said:


> I've never been to therapy before this will be my first time. I've been avoiding it because I thought it was kind of a joke or for crazy people. My family is very disconnected when it comes to emotions and life issues so I never had any guidence growing up they are pretty much all about "find a good man that will take care of u" no real way of showing how to be anything but a wife and mother. Also my dad wasn't around and none of the other women in my family (well thats pretty much all of them) had a man in their life then or now. So there was also a void on how to keep a marriage in tact. Lots of things from my childhood could be causeing the issues I'm having.
> 
> I do see everyone point on the "grass being greener on the other side" point, and I appreciate every moment with my kids but sometimes I just feel empty.


You need to make time for yourself (away from kids and hubs) and do things that will make you feel good. Join the gym, take up a hobby, take courses, get a job...do something you will enjoy. 
I used to think I was not good at anything or had no talent. Still haven't really figured out what my talent is (maybe I'm too critical) but I've found my passion in life and I'm building my skills. Next step will be getting a job in that field.
I wanted to be more than a mother and I'm working on getting there and I'm sure you will too. It took me a while to figure it out but you know "when where's a will there's a way". 
Do not let anyone stop you from your dreams and for that you need to have self confidence. At this point I get the feeling you don't feel very good about yourself and you're too hard on yourself. Start doing yoga, if you can afford it get a private instructor who will come to your home. You will be amazed on how it works physically and mentally.


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## 6kids&donecounting (Mar 22, 2012)

I had my first session today and alot of things were made obvious to me and now I'll be looking into my childhood alot harder because that was the main thing we talked about today. This will not be a short road but I will get there. I feel alot better about myself now knowing the i'm not just "broken".


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## 6kids&donecounting (Mar 22, 2012)

Yes he is. He's actually been suggesting it for some time I just couldn't bring myself to go I didn't think I needed it.


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## 6kids&donecounting (Mar 22, 2012)

thanks . I know that broken feeling all too well and its not pleasant. I hope you'll find the support you'll need to get where you want to be.


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