# Hitting the bottom very hard



## SunnyLeo (Nov 6, 2014)

My husband wants divorce and it's been for 2 months since we started separation -> divorce procedures. 

We are both in mid 40s. We've been married for 8 yrs and dated 8 yrs before that. No kids by mutual preference. We had some ups and downs but I have to say overall our relationships has been going downward little by little and quickly for the last couple of years. 

Having 2 houses was one of the big factors affected us. In addition to the original house we started living together (which he bought before we got married) needed to a lot of work, we purchased a second house so that it was easier for him to commute to his new job. The second house was also unfinished, so we put ourselves into a lot of house remodeling work in front of us and paying 2 mortgages.

Having the 2nd house was convenient for weekdays but we still loved the original house one hour away in country so we basically drove back and forth between two houses with our dogs, foods and laundry (because the 2nd house hadn't been set up properly for laundry). We made little progress in house remodeling, mainly my husband working by himself, but still a lot of work ahead of us. Trying to do house remodeling by ourselves or using contractor at the minimum costs was not very good idea as it ended up a lot of stress on us and see the houses still look like a pit. It didn't help us even though we did not complain about that much and we bear the minimally livable house conditions. 

As he was working busy on weekdays, only thing he wanted to do was relaxing on weekends hanging out his/our friends, or do some recreational stuff. Meanwhile, I did a lot of house keeping chores, cooking, preparing for lunch, cleaning etc, but also I had a challenging full time job myself, I was exhausted and only thing I could do on weekends was just trying to relax and get ready for next week. We still did some things together having fun socializing with our common friends, going out for dinner, walking dogs together, on a weekend trip etc. 

Now here is an issue shadowed over us. As I was very stressed I had a very little interest in sex because to me I needed to feel relax first to fully enjoy sex. It became a concern between us over the time as my husband felt not fulfilled and eventually not be loved. It doesn't mean I didn't want to cuddle him or touch him, but it did not lead me to sex. We have several talks about it and I told him that I wanted to be approached in the way I feel romantic, not like a sex object by grabbing me from behind while I'm working in the kitchen etc. Also I had a very little satisfaction as I rarely reached to an orgasm. Yes I told him not reaching an orgasm was an issue for me and this might have pressured him or made him insecure about his manhood. I probably have physically rejected him many times, but also there were many occasions he was not in the mood when I was in. Eventually I felt like I need to serve for him to satisfy his needs. After our talks the situation improved for a little while but some time later we ended up in the same situation. I think my husband felt neglected and in fact eventually he stopped initiating sex from him. 

Then chaotic event happened to me 3 yrs ago, plus I became more stressed and frustrated with my work circumstances at the same time, now as I reflect what happened, I sank in a depression. I did not look at that way back then, I was functional enough to maintain my daily life but I started to notice I became more and more bitter and easily irritable with a little things, and could not be nice to other people. Then we started to have more heated arguments. Meanwhile, my husband being frustrated with his work situation, unfinished house remodeling projects plus his wife (me) not fulfilling his needs, he became depressed. I could not tell he was depressed because I was dealing with my own depression and only thing I could do was living one day at a time by what I needed to do for the day (work and chores) and he did not show much of his emotion. On the surface we were working as a couple, but underneath I was emotionally driving him away from me. 

In April of this year, he brought up another serious talk saying that he had a divorce in his mind, he had been unhappy for a long time, especially not satisfied intimately. He told me that that was not easy decision for him to make, even he talked to some people who he trusts and all all agreed with him on divorce. And I believed he had had a hard time to come to this decision. Since while back I became exhaust myself with internet searching (more of study purposes) or some other things that I crams into to cope with my stress and often fell in sleep in a couch or came in bed after my husband already in a sac. It really disturbed him. He recognized that I was very good at taking care of him and house for the things need to get done, yes those were things what I was driving myself into to satisfy myself, thinking "I'm taking care of him" but the way HE wanted me to take care of him was different. He rather wanted me to come to bed when he went. He came to the point thinking we are 2 very different individuals. He said the life is too short to be unhappy. He also said he cried. He consider himself non-confrontational and not showing much emotion, so it was a BIG DEAL for him. He even said he though he might be obsessed with sex or a sex addict. I had explanations what was going on at my side but probably they sounded more like excuses to him. And he had to go away for a while, he took a hiking trip on his own for his soul searching I guess. When I was left behind, I cried a lot until I didn't have any tears left, realizing how much I was consumed by the traumatic even happened to me 3 yrs ago and from work situation and how much I love him and I want to keep our marriage.

When he came back from his trip he looked a little refreshed and he did not trigger "divorce" yet. I've tried to improve our situation but I was too deep in my depression and could not respond very well. Further, in May, I had a serious even at my family side, and my husband quit his job in June as he did not see his frustrated situation at his company would not get any better. I was thinking quitting my job also to make my circumstances better but now he quit first I thought I needed to stick to my job to support us financially. Then in July because of the even happened in my family in May, I went out of the county to see my family for about 10 days. After coming back home, I suffered sleep deprivation due to jet lag for about a month, and I had a gastrointestrinal infection and some other health issues, and again our sex life paused for over 2 months. 

Finally, my husband dropped the final bomb in September asking for a divorce. It hit me very hard because he was not acting like it was going to happen since our serious talk in April, still saying he loved me and in fact picking up more house chores so that I could relax, and trying to set up doing some things I would like to do, but I could not give him what he wanted for return, simply giving him intimacy! HOW FOOL I WAS! He said he still loved me and I am a person with a good heart, a good quality woman, and physically attractive, being loved by his family and our group of friends but he had fell out of love and could not continue being unhappy. He even said it was not me but it was him. It sounded like he is in a mid-life crisis a little bit. Also he wants to do whatever he wants to do without someone else saying anything about it. He himself has changed over the course of our marriage in a better way. He was more insecure at early stage of our relationship but he became more confident with himself mainly from his successful performance at his work. So now he believes in more what he is capable of and he realized that the confidence he displays attracts women also. He wants freedom. I, or me under the condition of serious depression, became a source of his depression and an obstacle preventing him from living happy, loved, fulfilled and free. He wants to move on to new chapter of his life leaving his unhappy marriage life behind. He is making himself busy with a big to do list of his: making some money working with his friend, helping his parents who just bought a house (another remodeling project), and trying to move forward in divorce from me by completing remodeling our 2nd house so that I can comfortably live there until we sell this house and we will be debt free as a couple. 

He is a good person at his heart, very nice to our friends and his and my families, though in some cases I felt he prioritized them over me (he admitted at our later conversaion), which made me frustrated. Though he also has very particular, and peculiar, characteristics and not perfect in every way, I dearly love him who he is and we have a lot in common in our lifestyles, interests and what we like. I made the commitment to him because I thought we could age together. Yes, lifetime commitment. I'm really struggling now, on one hand I'm trying to respect his decision because ultimately I think our marriage is going towards a divorce is mostly as a result of my failure to respond to his needs. He did not actively try to help with getting me out from depression directly, but I saw he made some changes in his behavior for something I complained in the past. I have to give him a credit for it. It was me who could not make changes in my behavior. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID ME!!! But on the other hand, without the depression we have been both in, the things could have been different. I know I'm in "what if's" phase but we are recognizing our good traits of each other knowing we are both good people. I think people can work on their differences when they are in a healthy mental state. How can we achieve in a healthy mental state? Remove stress source or learn how to handle them. I feel I'm being selfish still deeply emotionally attached to him. I'm hitting the bottom very hard, already had several melt down moments, heart broken, biting myself with sense of guilt, regrets, loss, failure and anger to myself. I'm crying for HELP!!!

In any cases, I'm moving my stuff from our original house, where he is going to live, into 2nd house, where I'm going to live for a while. This is a very hard task to do, not physically but emotionally, probably many of you have experienced. Some sentimental items I find make me drop on the floor and cry for a while. I'm realizing what I'm going to loose is HUGE and I have to pay for this for not realizing a little mistake in my action resulted in a huge mistake. I regret, regret, regret... I want to rewind our time to do it again without making this mistake. Of course, I know I cannot rewind our time back. We still in contact and have seen each other since his declare of divorce/separation. At first he slept in a separate bed but I think I was the one who first slipped into the other party's bed. We slept in the same bed for a while, even cuddling or kissing. He is still being nice to me even bought me a gift because when he went to a store it reminded me of. I said "you bought me a gift when you are trying to divorce me?" I know I said the wrong thing but his action confused me. He even still referring as "us" when we talk about our future down-the-road house project. So I also did some stupid things to get close to him, stepping inside the boundary of separation, being disrespectful of his decision. Most of time I'm trying to be friendly and treat him nicely but when he feels I got too close to him emotionally, he tries to push me away. I think I'm doing anything but driving him away from me. I cried a lot in front of him many times, showed intimacy to him even in front of other people, asked for reasoning, his whereabout when I could not reach of him, asked for a possibility of separation under the same roof because being alone in an empty feeling house has been unbearable to me especially at night. I feel completely alone, away from him, our friends... I did a lot more stupid things I shouldn't have done. For the next couple of days after he dropped the bomb, I turned into sex craze mood. I guess my mental string snapped. I know he doesn't want any of these my behaviors because I believe he is trying to be strong to follow through his decision even if it will make his stbx (me) --who he knows she genuinely have a good soul, was once in love with and still cares about, lived his life together last 16 yrs --into the saddest turmoil in her life. Seeing me struggling is last thing he wants to see. He refused the under-the-same-roof option, he said because he cannot focus on what he is trying to work on, me being around him is distraction for him. He doesn't want me to do any chores for him. Anything nice I do for him seem irritate him. I can tell when he is not comfortable from his body language, and when he is irritated from the tone of his voice. He wants his PRIVACY. He is trying to make a transition from living with someone to living by himself.

I know I really should focus on not doing anything stimulates him in negative ways. So now I'm trying to focus on our 2nd house remodeling project to sell this house, because in any cases this has to be accomplished for us to be debt free. I'm implementing some strategies to reduce tensions between us since we will still have some contact to work on this project together. Also I started seeing counseling for a severe depression. 

This is a rather long post, but bear with me, it became like a journal entry for me putting things into words, trying to my thoughts clear. I'm still going back and forth between positives and negatives, past-current-future, and ultimately battling to let the person of my love go to be respectful of him and wanting him to be happier while wondering if we could build a healthy relationship when both of us heal. Maybe the latter is my selfish hope. I wish we have had great sex life together. Now in this turmoil, I start trembling for lust when I hold his hands or touch him in any ways. Again, it's not what he wants now at this stage. I don't know what is going on with me. I'm COMPLETELY LOST!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Wow, you spread yourselves too thinly. Good relationships require quality time just communicating, exploring new things, and pretty much quality time. 

He should help out around the house, and help reduce your stress levels. I cook, wash dishes, clean toilets, mop, keep things organized, yard work. He should help out without the ulterior motive for sex either, but because he cares. Second house was pretty much a bad idea. Probably should have gotten an apartment, or something else easy to handle. 

In closing, couples need to do around 10 to 15 hours of bonding time per week to maintain a relationship.


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

Sad story, you need to get some IC work on yourself, the feelings of being lost are very normal. Just keep doing very thing you can at this stage to focus on you. Get professional help, because it will help. It wil get easier slowly, ride the rollercoaster but also reach out to family and friends.


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## SunnyLeo (Nov 6, 2014)

*Re: Hitting the bottom very hard -update*

Thank you for your comments, folks.

I have been reading a lot of postings in this forum and some other marriage/relationship help sites for the last couple of days. There are so many things clicked me, making me feel more stupid not recognizing I was doing so wrong, although I shouldn't be blaming myself 100%, after all both parties have to work to maintain a good happy marriage. I realized that the circumstances surrounding you would change after getting married, and you are living a quite different life from when you just got married, affecting the dynamics of relationship btwn H and W. You need to somehow maneuver through. That's challenging. People, or at least me, focus on how to make living and accept changes or sacrifices in your life as they are necessary. I'm very disciplined in the words my hubby describes me, and I agree. For me the marriage life became a route lead us to the happiness in the future life, and became blind to take care of myself, and my H, being happy in the lives we live now. Oh, well more self-reflection from me.

Anyway, this is what happened this week.
My hubby and me got together with our common married couple friends. This was the first time for some of people there saw us together after we separated. I tried to be as cheerful and pleasant as I could be, not overcasting any negative vibe for this occasion, positively engaging in conversations, laughing etc. Hubby looked a little nervous and reserved at first, but after a couple of drinks, he seemed more relax, laughing loud etc. He was even saying that he saw a very attractive lady "totally checking her out". I stayed calm. Our friends even started talking about divorces occurred to some people we all know. I still remained calm state of mind. I guess the topic came out not considering my H and I are going through separation as we looked same as we used to be. Nonetheless, I had a good time getting together with our friends we know for a long time.

It was getting quite late so I was ready to go for a while. We drove separate so I didn't have to wait for him, but I was concerned of my H because I could tell he was rather drunk at that point. I asked him if he needed a ride (I was staying at "his" house that night because "my" house is more than 1 hr away.) He said he would stay a little longer and OK to drive. I hugged my friends (by this point I was the only woman left in the room) and waved at my H from the other side of a table (because I thought it would be respectful to him not showing any intimate behaviors in front of our friends), but he tried to reach me by extending his arm, so I went to him and gave him a light hug. And when I tried to move away from him he kept holding my hand as if he was reluctant letting me go. I left friend's house leaving my H with a couple of his buddies. I got "his" house and went to "my" bed. He came home 30min or so later. Then he came to my bed first and said "Sweetie, I drove home safe. Good night." I saw a smile in his face. I knew after some drinks he was more relaxed and had nothing holding him back. After he declared a divorce, he consciously stopped calling me Sweetie. 

He had a hangover next morning, and I did not say anything what he did when he was drunk previous night. He asked me if I enjoyed hanging out our friends and I said yes. I had an appointment so tried to make our conversation brief. He concerned my health because I had had frequent "office visits" lately. I told him I had an annual check up a couple days ago and I was going to my counseling that morning. We also talked about our schedule for the next couple of days as we need to proceed with our "joint" house remodeling project. 

Earlier this week I hit the bottom quite hard, but the last couple of days I'm doing better. I'm trying to focus more on the future rather than regretting what I did in the past. Although I wrote my reflection above, but this is my learning process. I took him, and love from him, for granted. Yes I made a big mistake. Now I want to look into my sexuality as well, because I have a desire to be sexually satisfied and I just don't want to drain my time with dissatisfaction. I have a naughty self hidden inside of me. I read some lines from "Sex Starved Marriage" Our marriage was the mirror image. Is my H still in the picture? It's up in the air. I'm trying to understand his true self/feeling from the words coming out from his mouth, the looks he gives me, his body language etc. Yes, I'm still very attached to him, and I still want him back, but I need to work on myself any way. I need to feel good about myself mentally. Physically I know I'm catching eyes from some guys, but I just ignore them because I have been already "taken." My H even said a couple weeks ago, I'm in good shape for my age and he thought I would make good money at a strip club and he would be my pimp. He meant as a joke or a compliment. I gave him "what?!" but obviously he was saying I'm physically desirable. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm going to move on looking for a date or anything. I'm just saying I want to explore more about myself and be ready whatever the future holds.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

The best way to introduce new things sexually is through slow introduction and work your way up. It is a gradual process, but you can't go past his comfort zones either.

It doesn't mean he can't expand, he has to get used to it and then push his boundaries further.

Communicate that he is crass when he is drunk. You should tell him in a calm manner that you don't like the way he treats you, and you wish he were more thoughtful. This is a boundary issue. 

Ask him to cut back on the alcohol, as it makes you uncomfortable.


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## SunnyLeo (Nov 6, 2014)

Thank you for your advice, Mr.F.
I'm not saying I'm uncomfortable with his behavior when he is drunk, but rather it seems to me he is off-guarded and showing himself when he is drunk. I'm getting mixed messages from him when he is stern and trying to hold his stand with regard to our marriage, and when he is more relaxed and exhibiting that he still has his feelings for me. Am I a fool?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Try finding a mc that would do what is best for the two of you, and ic for the each of you. 

What we figure out would be only conjecture and you shouldn't make any huge decision on that. 

In the mean time, keep focus on you. 

When your thoughts are not going in a million directions, you can see things more clearly. It is a marathon, not a sprint. 

Have you ever tried expressing your emotions and needs. Do it in a way that doesn't attack him. 

Try meeting in a neutral setting. 

Things may get heated, but when your emotions level off analyze. See if there is any validation. Hopefeully he does the same thing in return. 

Best if done with an mc. Things may be sour, since your going to bring up grievances. Holding things in will only breed resentment, which over the long run is more damaging.


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## SunnyLeo (Nov 6, 2014)

*Re: Hitting the bottom very hard -URGENT HELP!*

My H just called me saying he would come to see me tonight and want to take me out for a dinner. He wants to talk some serious stuff. But he would not stay at *my* house over night but go to see OW after our dinner. I knew about her for a while, he already told me about her. She sounded like she has a common sense though. When they first met less than year but more than 6 month ago, my H did not tell her he was married, and when he told her he was married she did not try to make any contacts with him from her side (GOOD GIRL!) It was him who made a contact with her again telling that he had separated from me and was going to divorce (BAD BOY!). She seemed be OK start seeing him, but still holding her back because he technically is still a married man, not even legally separated. He said his emotion towards her is stronger than her towards him because of his marital status. He said I can ask questions I might have. He said he really likes her. To my surprise I reacted very calm during this whole conversation with him on the phone. But I don't know what to expect what he would like talk with me at the dinner tonight and in which direction I should try to lead it to. Should I imply "that's OK, I don't care even if you should pursue her and more involved" or "you should not do anything you would be shamed of telling your family and friends." Although I am not having another "melt-down" moment but I'm very confused. Indeed, I told him I'm very confused on the phone. Well....


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

You're not a fool, but you need to turn your attention back to you as much as possible and your needs. It's tough to do, trust me I battle it all the time. Quite often it's the quiet times that are hard, listen to Mr Fisty, he has some great insight, take tiny steps, one at a time. We always want finality but the road needs to be driven. Watching your posts, stay strong and focus on you.


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## SunnyLeo (Nov 6, 2014)

I just got back from the dinner with my H. Surprisingly we had a really good time together, no nervousness so ever. We enjoyed our conversation and food, honestly I enjoyed his company and I could tell he did the same. Before being H and W, I have no doubt we are genuinely good friends of each other. He still talks to me what he is up to, especially some obstacles he encountered. I feel his trust in me as I listen to him. I don't know what made him change but today I did not see any uncomfortableness with him being around me like before. 

We started talking about more general stuff and how we are doing lately. Then asked me if I was OK and said he would be very supportive of me in any possible ways as much as he could. I believed that was his sincere attitude, he was not trying to manipulate me. I asked him some questions that I wanted him to be honest and I believed he was. I could tell his heart was still open to me. I also told him that I don't have any harsh feelings towards OW, I really don't. I don't know why but I feel like the fogs cleared up from my mind. Should he be the one to blame? I can't say so, I really feel I'm very responsible that I put us into the position where we are right now. He looked happier today and I was glad to see that. I know he has been through a really rough time for the last 2 yrs and he said he understood what I'm going through right now because he already had. Also he noticed I'm much more relaxed now taking some time off from my work and started seeing counseling.

One thing, sadly, I have to say that he consistently sounded that he already put our history behind and closed a chapter of his life. He is not committed to OW at this point yet since it has just started only having seen each other handful of times but he said he is crazy about her and, according to him, so is she about him. Also sounded like they are trying to keep some distance btwn them until our divorce finalizes, she is willing to wait for him until then. He knows, of course, it may not be the case. She is working a lot of overtime and lives 2 hrs away from him. Good luck. 

Some people may think I'm a fool being so nice to him for what he is doing and even jealous of him how lucky he is btwn such generous two nice women. But I'm OK with it right now. Strangely I'm feeling some confidence with myself on something I don't know what.

He told me that I was the best woman he ever met, in fact he said that several time in the past when we were going through rough times. He claimed that I influenced him to be a better quality person much more than he did to me. He learned a lot from me, he said. And I have to admit he was an above average husband in my opinion. He did not help me much with house chores on weekdays after coming back from work -he admitted that- but he often made breakfast for us on weekends. He is a better baker than I am. Anyway, we shared our feelings of appreciation of each other tonight.

I don't think I would do "the 180", really I'm not angry at him or blocking him from my life, because now I know I will be able to interact with him without thinking about potential damages to our relationship, or playing the game. I'm just accepting what is going on right now. I just need to focus on my self, which he thinks totally I should. I clearly stated though that right now I can't think of signing the [divorce] paper. (We haven't started legal process yet.) He understood and said take my time. We think we both hit the bottom and I'm aware of how we are looking at our future are different, but well, you never know what the future holds on us. Anything is possible, right? Maybe we can be platonic like he said. 

Surprisingly,I'm in piece. Probably you can tell that there are no hostilities or tension btwn us. We will still keep contact and see each other relatively frequently, but I won't be nervous what to say, what not to say. I can be myself and not walking on egg shells..... at least until he crosses the line in his relationship with OW....
BTW, he said he would hook me up with a nice guy he thinks be more suitable for me.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Right now, you need to detach. 

The tricky things about affairs is that it is an infatuation stage. 

In this stage, the brain is on a high, and it has the same affect as heroin.

Depending on what you want, you can use the afair to detach further and move on, or you can break the affair.

You probably should gather evidence just in case he spews venom your way. It is a defense mechanism to protect his own psyche. 

Seeing an ic may help you figure out on what you want. 

Detachment also breaks the hold that he has on you. He may be acting nice, keeping you around just in case things don't work out. 

I would definitely do a legal separation. It would protect you and your interests. 

Detachment will have another side benefit, it will make us more truthful with ourself. Just reading your thread, from an objective perspective, the marriage wasn't all that great. You can see that the overall marriage was going downhill.

Even without the ow, take a look at it critically and ask yourself, is that the type of marriage I want to be in.

If he breaks off his affair, and is willing to put in the hard work to make the marriage work, you can have the marriage you want. Except you will have lots of anger and resentment issues for years. Only you can figure out if it is worth it.

People shouldn't tell you what to do, but offer clarity and advice.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Oh, if you do want a divorce, this is probably a good time to do it. 

With the ow, heis thinking and judgement will be skewed. 

This is where deception comes in. Tell him that you are happy for him, and you want him to be happy. His guilt may give you an upper edge. 

Play smart is my motto, and play to win.


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## SunnyLeo (Nov 6, 2014)

Thank you for your insight, Mr. Fisty. I know you are saying from an objective point of view and I also goes back and forth btwn looking at me/us from outside, trying to figure out what's going on, and feeling my inner emotion. Thinking back about our dinner the other day, I felt he was more opened up and comfortable being with me than our previous encounters, I think he decided to be honest with me about his feelings. Me being cool about the OW (I didn't say "go ahead" or anything, but he probably interpreted that I'm acknowledging it and not to try to stop him.oh, I told him to use his "conscience" though), he seemed some of his clouds in his mind lifted. He told me about this OW really like talking to your good trusted friends, or maybe total strangers who you would not worry about what to talk about. I asked him some questions about her and he was OK with it. I understand he is in the initial "flame" stage and infatuated. But listening to the circumstances he and OW are in (jobs, housing/distance etc.), I don't think it is a realistic relationship, even putting our separation/divorce on side. To my eyes, "yeah, do you really think it is gonna go somewhere after the initial excitement?" They may establish a long term relationship but I don't think they would settle in a common ground of what they want from each other. She is a LOT younger than he is, though he said she is mature for her age, but if she becomes serious eventually she wants to settle and start a "family". I know my H cannot commit to that. I may be wrong. Anyway, I try to keep contact with him minimum, but I have to admit I miss him very much. We have another get-together occasion with our friends tomorrow night, as far as I know. Let see how it goes. But after that, back to business.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Chances of it working are close to nil.

Here is something personal about myself.

My world view. 

Everything is temporary. Life is, happiness is, sadness is, relationships are too.

Everything is in constant flux. 

The stronger we ar attach to something, the more power it has over us.

I am sure if you are a lot more detach, you wold not put up with this behavior. 

But since you are at the moment, the situation has more power to hurt.

You desire a good marriage and for everything to be okay, and that is making you suffer. 

If you let him go, you would have power over yourself and the relationship.

Funny thing is that he may be afraid to lose you.

He knows the chances of this working out is slim, and you are the safer choice.

Letting go gives us freedom, and it has to be something we experience and learn from.


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## SunnyLeo (Nov 6, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Chances of it working are close to nil.
> 
> Here is something personal about myself.
> 
> ...


Mr. Fisty, you sounds very Zen. Believe or not I'm not attached to the life I'm given on this planet, I'm not taking to live till average life expectancy age for granted. Yes, life is temporary. My cousin passed at his age of 20 y.o. due to the terminal cancer when I was 22 y.o. I learned a lesson that time, you never know when you would die, don't wait to do what you want to do. That's why here in the States, away from my home country. Ironically, I forgot my lesson after I got married. My focus shifted towards working hard for future (pay off debts, save for retirement etc.) than valuing and looking at what's going on now. Of course, that's not all that ruined our marriage but it's surely affected our relationship.

Anyway, I started feeling of acceptance and you may disagree but I honestly feel my H and I still can be trusted life time friends of each other whichever our lives are going head to. I think I will be able to be at his side when he needs me to be with, it doesn't necessary mean as a relationship of H and W. That kind of bond I have for him. And shouldn't be the way before being H and W, leaving romantic vibe btwn them on side? I know some people would not be so optimistic and say wait till seeing what is really going to happen through the legal part of divorce process.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I have no qualms about your decision. The nature of the relationship simply change, as I see it if you became friends. 

My father passed away when I was 15, and I had to take a lot more responsibility. 

One moment they are in your life and then they are gone, and life didn't stop for me to adjust. 

Rather I had to adjust to life.

Is your relationship going into the friend zone?


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## SunnyLeo (Nov 6, 2014)

Trying to relax and falling in sleep, not sleeping much lately for weeks. Turned on an online radio, selecting "easy listening" station. It was a baaaad idea... the first song "Lost" by Michael Buble, then "Somewhere over the rainbow" (little better), then "I won't give up" by Jason Mratz. I'm in tears... Breathe... breathe.... Turn off the music.

Earlier tonight I called my H about tomorrow night hang out with a group of our friends. He said "I forgot to tell you but we are hanging out right now, may be nothing tomorrow." "Oh..." I said. I could hear people talking having fun in the background. I felt excluded... S_ck living hour away.... The plan has changed not long time ago I guess. Still I need to drive there tomorrow for my own business and hang out with a friend of mine, who is there with the group right now. I need to get some sleep...


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sorry, I wish the hurt would go away for you.

I usually work out till I get exhausted.

Strech and shower then I knock out pretty fast.


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## SleeplessInTO (Nov 10, 2014)

I am sorry. I wish I could help in person. I found an old favorite today, maybe you can give it a try? It is a trilogy by Gerald Durrell and it is called the Corfu trilogy. The first book is called My Family and Other Animals. It is set in 1920s Corfu and is a very funny memoir of a young boy (the author), his family, and their (mis)adventures. It is a bit heavy on animals but then the author grew up to be a naturist and started the Jersey Zoo and animal husbandry. 

That trilogy never fails to absorb me. And time works its magic, blunts the edge of the raw pain for a little while. Enough to get some rest.

If you have Internet, I also watch the Piano Guys, their Charlie Brown Medley. Or maybe Rockelbel's Canon but the others won't work as well.

I hope you get some rest.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

If you have the the energy, do some research on guided imagery. You can get them for free on the internet and they can help you relax and sleep.

There is also a supplement called Solus that is a natural sleep aid.

Be strong,
Stretch


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