# Child poisoning



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

A recent thread made me think on this... on how so many people can justify poisoning their child against their partner. Admittedly, I faced the same temptation too when dealing with my ex, however we've both agreed that we would have none of that - and our daughter is still being raised to respect both her parents.

So thankfully, we've avoided the problem that so many ex-partners seem to have. I confronted my ex in regards to this during seperation, due to past experience having my mother poisoned me against my father in my youth. The result can have long-lasting negative effects on the child's development.

Children need both a mother and father figure IMO. As a child I had no father figure due to the poisoning and eventual hatred of my father. It colored my youth until my teens - and it only stopped because I was forced to live independently which got me out of the mess via the virtue of childhood independence.

Am I the only parent who takes this seriously?
Hell I'm so thankful that my ex has been civil and very mature when it comes to co-parenting. How can other parents justify poisoning their child against their father/mother?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

People get so hurt, so angry and become so bitter that sometimes they act selfishly. My former SIL was in that situation. Her ex H tried everything possible to turn the kids against her but it did not work. He was completely gutted by her leaving -- to such an extent that he lost himself, lost sight of his role as a father, etc. I believe that he has almost no more contact with his children (they are all young adults now). Very sad.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/

I guess it's something I hope never to understand, personally I can't see any hatred strong enough to forsake the love and promise I have for my daughter

Despite having broken the promise somewhat by putting her through parental seperation (I promised her that her childhood would be different to mine) - I ain't no saint... I just find child poisoning so despical but maybe that's because of my own experience

So far our daughter is coping very well with co-parenting and we're still raising her as a team


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Good grief, I thought this thread was about actually poisoning a child, as in trying to kill them. Whew, thank goodness I was wrong.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Almost as bad in my book! But tis just me!

I can't stand it when I read about people who poisoned their children against their ex-SO, not only robbing them of their child but robbing the child of their parent too!


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## Rockyroad (May 21, 2014)

Some people have suggested that as you said I am poisoning my kids against my STBX. However, would you consider poisoning, protecting your child from and abusive men? I think if your husband was a responsible man and father while you were married there is no reason for not having their father involved in their lives.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm the one that cheated on my spouse. If my wife would have found out and "poisoned" my children against me, it would have been a consequence of my actions. In an ideal world, yes, parents would take into account what was best for the kids, swallowed their venom, and taken the high road. But having read the stories here in the CWI forum specifically, I can't say that I blame them for not being able to hold that in. We're all only human. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

no need to poison a kid against a parent

they will figure it all out on their own in due time.

PROTECTING a kid is incredibly important. Helping them have realistic expectations is really useful. Shielding them from major disappointment, broken promises etc. It is really sad. They begin to expect so much less than they deserve. 

You and your x work together to co-parent. That isn't the case with everyone. Frankly it isn't even usual and customary. So count your blessings.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I tell my kids the truth, at their developmental level.

My ex told the kids it was my fault that ___ happened (just insert anything he didn't like that was going on his life here). He also told them that "people who (are liberal/use public schools/aren't in his religion) are what's wrong with the world." For a while the kids thought I and they were 'wrong'. As he visited them less and less often, they saw him for who he is and how he is and formed their own opinions of him. He didn't and doesn't visit regularly or on schedule, still tries to blame me and child support for his lack of communication, and they see through it. They're sad and angry with him, too.

Parental alienation can get bad, and it's usually a sign of abuse in the relationship, from what I've seen and read.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Rockyroad said:


> However, would you consider poisoning, protecting your child from and abusive men? I think if your husband was a responsible man and father while you were married there is no reason for not having their father involved in their lives.


I haven't read your threads but to answer this from my perspective, I think it depends on *what you say*, *how you say it*, *when you say it*, and *what your intentions are*.

My biological father was an imperfect man. He drank too much, did drugs, was a womanizer, fathered a lot of other children before, during and after their marriage and physically aggressed against my mother. 

Still, she NEVER poisoned him in my mind. She explained things about him in age-appropriate ways and was careful to not over-share. She didn't use me as her therapist. She didn't attack him as a person but did have negative things to say about his actions in a very matter-of-fact way and only when the subject came up or I or my sister asked. There is a way one can be honest with their children WITHOUT poisoning their children, without crossing boundaries. 

I think even if the other parent is a sh!tty person, vilifying them CAN and DOES damage children so be careful. Whether in their lives or not, parents are a big part of their identity. So if you put down their parent all of the time "Your father was a no-good, cheating drunk and a wife beater!" and then intermittently say neutral or positive things about them, such as "you look so much like your father." That's going to fvck them up.

The thing is, I came to the conclusion about who he was in my opinion, on my own terms - he was an oft absentee dad who made a lot of broken promises to me as a child and I don't care to know him as an adult and so I don't. 

I don't hate him, hold anger about the past and honestly, what he may have done or not done to my mother when I was a child and before I was born has ZERO bearing on what I feel about him. That's not to say I wasn't ever angry, of course I was as a kid. I wish him well in life but he's a person non en grata to me and I am okay with that.

Even with my step-dad (another abuser as my mom's picker was broken) my mother didn't vilify him... he did that to himself. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for, they do come to their own conclusions.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

As to the original question,

I can understand how it can be tempting to vilify the other parent when you are hurting inside. However, it doesn't justify it.

Shortly after my Dday with my spouse, my friend and I were talking about how hot Chris Evans looked when he took his shirt off in Captain America. My son overheard me and later told me, "You shouldn't say stuff like that mom. It might hurt dad's feelings."

Suffice it to say, I'm shocked that there are no bite marks in my tongue from having to bite it that day. He meant well but had NO idea and still doesn't and never will, know how much it hurt me at the time to think of protecting dad's feelings at that time. Still, I did it. I could have easily lashed out and said, "Ha! Hurt dad's feelings! Do you know what that bastard did to me? He was cheating on me, that's why he doesn't live here right now!" But I didn't. My kid deserves more. He deserves to still look at his dad as a hero even if he wasn't behaving like one.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Miss Taken, you have a very admirable attitude. I wish more parents would be like this, as even though child poisoning is common / even considered 'normal' - IMO it shouldn't be!

I understand if it can be difficult, I guess I should indeed count my blessings. Still this issue is very sensitive for me. Ex knows this too probably why she bites her tongue as well


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I appreciate your position - to me this is just common sense. People get so wrapped up in their own pain and disappointment that they forget how damaging it can be. Koodos to you!


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## Rockyroad (May 21, 2014)

Miss Taken said:


> I haven't read your threads but to answer this from my perspective, I think it depends on *what you say*, *how you say it*, *when you say it*, and *what your intentions are*.
> 
> My biological father was an imperfect man. He drank too much, did drugs, was a womanizer, fathered a lot of other children before, during and after their marriage and physically aggressed against my mother.
> 
> ...


I am sorry to hear that you had to deal with so much pain.mBelieve me I have also dealt with plenty myself, however, never from my father.

Parents are there for children to make a difference in their lives and to be positive influence, and if they can't, they are better off staying away.

I made the mistake of keeping my kids' father in their lives for 29years overlooking much abusive, including inappropiate behaviors towards our children. (especially my youngest daughter). All because he always denied and because he asked for the benefit of doubt. Yes, we are talking about the biggest liar and manipulator that ever walk the earth. 

He took our money, doesn't give us a dime and lies to our children constantly, making up stories to cover up all his lies.

Not one day day during our relationship was he honest to me or our kids. He married in deceit, knowing full well he had issues.

My kids are not my therapist, I simply tell them the things I should have told them many years ago. I call that protecting them. Not poisoning them! so... I think each case is unique.


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