# What sort of MIL are you/will you be?



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I saw an insanely stupid post on facebook today titled "Rules for Dating My Son" from a woman with a young son saying stuff like: 

"He's a Mama's boy. Unless you have a ring on your finger, your opinion of that does not matter" and 
"Understand that if I don't like you, I will make you go away"

I'm not sure if it's just me, but I don't want to be the sort of mother who would treat her child like he/she has no say in their own life, and that's how that came across to me.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I would ignore most of those Facebook posts - for the most part they're just images with words that are designed to get attention for a particular page or group and people tend to share them quite a lot.

As for type of mother in law - I have two girls, both adults and the eldest got married four years ago after spending several years living with her partner. I first met my son in law when he was about 16 and they were just friends - after the first meeting I really couldn't understand why the two of them didn't start dating, I thought he was really cool. They actually got together in their early twenties and I immediately started treating him the same as I treat my daughters - as one of mine. We've developed a brilliant relationship right from the start and get on really well all the time. He and my daughter blessed me with a granddaughter nearly three years ago - he phoned as soon as she went into labour and I rushed to the hospital. When I arrived in the delivery room, he was looking a little concerned as to how he would handle it all but everything went fine. He told me afterwards that when I walked through the door he'd never been so relieved to see anybody in his life. 

I live overseas and go and stay with my daughter and son in law whenever I'm in the UK, sometimes for several weeks at a time, they both always say how great it is to have me there, loads of fun and I love spending so much time playing with my granddaughter - I used to teach under fives for several years and I find little ones delightful, even when they're having screaming tantrums, etc. My son in law's parents recently moved to the same town as them, living within walking distance and he's not overjoyed by having his mum so close. When I point out that I often spend weeks living in their house, he just say, "Yeah, but you're so cool it's always better when you're here". He's the same with my Mum, she stayed with them for three months last year while her house had some renovations done. He practically begged her not to go back home, saying he'd never eaten so well in his life. 

He always describes me as the coolest mother in law on the planet and I can say, hand on heart, he's the best husband and father I've ever come across - I really couldn't wish any better for my daughter and granddaughter. All those old mother in law jokes are a load of crap.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I hate that FB post, breeze! I have a couple of FB friends that have posted it. I think it's horrible. It's very confrontational. Why would you want to call your son a "mama's boy"? I so wanted to comment to my FB friends, "So I guess you don't ever want to see your grandchildren?"

My view is that I'm going to be nice, loving and NO meddling. At the end of day, my sons are going to go home to their wives. If my sons marry women I don't like, what can I do about it? Nothing. I can do my best in a bad situation. That's it.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

This mad Facebook stuff can be really sly too. I'm in the middle of splitting up with my H, but I'm stuck living with him until I find an apartment so I can leave. I've been looking around at stuff I can afford and expect to be out within the next few weeks. He's totally not happy with the situation, one minute begging me to stay (we've just had a confrontation about that) and the next calling me all sorts of names and accusing me of all sorts of things I'm not doing. In a fit of pique yesterday, he posted one of these mad posts on my FB timeline. At first glance, it seemed to be bigging me up for being an interesting grandmother with piercings and tattoos (I have one tattoo and have my ears pierced, though I must admit, I have green and pink streaks in my hair). However, when you look at the page he shared it from it's called "Bitter Heartless *****". I knew immediately that this was a dig at me but left it there (don't want him to start posting on any of my relatives' timelines instead) and pressed the Like button as he freaks out if I don't like everything he posts. However, when I went out with friends last night, they were all asking "Why is he calling you a heartless ***** on Facebook?". Not only do you have to be careful of the text that come with the images on FB, you also need to be aware of which page the posting was shared from. I'm keeping our private business off Facebook - it's for lighthearted communication and using it to score points and be nasty in this way is ridiculous, especially when you consider we're not a couple of teenagers, we're in our fifties.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I've not come across that Facebook meme. I'd probably comment something like, "Incoming Helicopter! Look out!"

I've seen this with my mother's family, my sister, my friends with sons, and my SIL's with sons....these mothers are VERY territorial about their sons and girls. They never like the girlfriends, ever! My mother's sisters hated every single sister in law. I just don't get it. What the hell is with mothers of sons?

I have no problems with my MIL, but I'm sure she's rolled her eyes at me several times over the years. 

I am a MIL and Im a damned cool MIL! My DIL loves me, I usually take the DIL's side because I know my daughter can be...exacting.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I've seen this one and the rules for dating my daughter ones as well, there are even T shirts with this drivel on them, ugh.

As for the question well I hope I will be a decent MIL, I had great In Laws (both passed away now) even after their son and I divorced. My kids are all well balanced, sensible, intelligent humans so I can only hope they end up with decent partners. Was never a helicopter parent, have a good relationship with them all, open honest communication. I guess the hard part is what to do if you saw your child with a complete moron it would be hard to do much about. I have a friend who's daughter keeps getting into relationships with absolute losers, my friend is at a loss as to what to do. 
So I guess as long as my future DIL/SIL's are good people it will be easy to be a good MIL, as a parent I can only hope they make good choices.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Other posts that regularly do the rounds of FB are the images featuring a cute little kid with a phone in their hand calling Grandma to come and sort out a parent who is denying them something - usually chocolate, tv time, etc. As a grandmother, I would never undermine the way in which my daughter and son in law are bringing up my granddaughter. They are both brilliant parents and I always support them in any way I can. When I look after my granddaughter, I do so using their parenting style (gentle parents) which means they are always totally happy leaving her with me. My son in law's mum has a totally different parenting style and is constantly interfering which can cause problems. However, I do my best to mediate so that they have good relationships with all members of their family. Although I don't agree with his mum's attitude at times, my son in law's parents are both very nice people, I have developed a good relationship with all of his family (including his brother, sister, nieces and nephews) as being at loggerheads with in laws is only going to result in stress for my daughter and son in law. I want the very best for my kids - I want them to be happy and both families (and extended families) get on really well which allows them to raise my granddaughter in a supported atmosphere.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

My MiL is a cliche. Total bag.

Sum her up? On our wedding day my wife said she told her mom she was nervous. As most people are. You know regular type excited nervous. MiL's response? "Well if you're not sure you know we can call it off. Never too late" Something to that effect. >

Never understood that facebook picture and "funny" wanna be wisdom crap. So you dont want to trust your child or be close with your extended family?

Oh wait people like that dont want to be close to family further out than their own blood. Because they secretly hope it will fail and they can have jr or daughter back home like a child. 

If my wife ever shows signs of acting like that I can just ask her if she wants to be thought of like her mom (or my lovely mother ). That should be all thats needed. :grin2:


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't have great experiences to draw on either. My MIL became insanely jealous when my SIL (DH's sister) lived with my family for a time instead of her (she's a hoarder so no one in their right mind would want to live with her). Of course, I copped the brunt of her anger. DH heard all about how he didn't see me for who I really was and all the nasty fb messages complaining about how I'm such a bad person. So when I see a post saying crap like, "I can make you go away" from a MIL to a DIL, well, my MIL tried and now she's no longer a part of our lives.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

My ds is really angry at my stbxh and has vowed to take his future wife's last name to shed the disgrace his father has left for him to carry with our last name. Have to lol a little about that. He is 11 going on 40.
My dd is also angry at her dad and has already said all guys are the same after she was dumped,by her boyfriend. I am worried she will become bitter towards all men BUT I plan on being a loving, honest and friendly MIL. I know it's the woman's family that is usually closer so I expect to lose my son a bit when he gets married and has kids but thankfully I've got a while yet to wait.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

There have been so many problems with my inlaws, too many to go into here but they all stem from my MIL's insecurity and jealousy. She thinks she's going to be cheated out of something. After we got married, being cheated out of time with me and my husband and after the kids came, it's being cheated out of time with the grandchildren. She's always worried that my parents are going to be more involved with the kids than they are. We thought we were very fair trying to have all grandparents involved in the lives of their grandchildren but maybe we went wrong somewhere. THEN, my BIL and SIL had kids and seeing what we went through, they tried even harder to make things fair between the grandparents, (SILs parents live 4 hours away, btw). MIL STILL has problems with insecurity and jealousy. Her attitudes has actually backfired on her and has push her sons away where they do not even want to deal with her and that means reduced time with the grandchildren. She's shot herself in her own foot.

She also expected me to have the same relationship with her that I have with my own mother. That's not going to happen. The connection is just not the same. The whole thing is really bizarre. I grew up witnessing my mother's great relationship with her MIL (my grandma), and both my grandma's got along great. This what I expected and what my mother expected but unfortunately it's not the case. So, I'm pretty much going to do the opposite of my MIL when my kids get married, lol.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

breeze said:


> I saw an insanely stupid post on facebook today titled "Rules for Dating My Son" from a woman with a young son saying stuff like:
> 
> "He's a Mama's boy. Unless you have a ring on your finger, your opinion of that does not matter" and
> "Understand that if I don't like you, I will make you go away"
> ...


I am a mother who raises kids to think for themselves. Therefore s/he will choose their own mate. And I will keep my mouth shut unless it is to say something nice.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

honeysuckle04 said:


> My ds is really angry at my stbxh and has vowed to take his future wife's last name to shed the disgrace his father has left for him to carry with our last name. Have to lol a little about that. He is 11 going on 40.
> My dd is also angry at her dad and has already said all guys are the same after she was dumped,by her boyfriend. I am worried she will become bitter towards all men BUT I plan on being a loving, honest and friendly MIL. I know it's the woman's family that is usually closer so I expect to lose my son a bit when he gets married and has kids but thankfully I've got a while yet to wait.


It seems that way. I'm enjoying the affectionate little boy phase while I can, lol. There are some exceptions I've seen which give me hope. My sister is close to her DH's family, and her own still. I see it's possible because her DH's MIL especially is so lovely. Truly kind and thoughtful, and interesting. Never intrusive.


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