# Wife has depression and not in love



## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

Recently my wife had a ea with a coworker and says she does not have the same feelings for me as she did before. She was diagnosed with depression and am wondering how much this may have an affect on her ability to retun to her normal self. She seems very confused as to what she wants out of life. 

It has been an emotional rollercoaster for me having good days and bad. I have been getting help for myself but would like to keep our marriage together. I have been doing everything possible to help her through her tough times. Could her depression affect her rational thinking? I am very concerned she could make a decision that is detrimental to our marriage, children and life.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Yes it could. Has she seen an MD to get meds?

The best thing to do is the hardest, tell her you want her to be happy and if she wants a separation then you will agree. By clinging and begging you will turn her off and make her feel suffocated. 

When my h went through this I told him that I would not force him to stay with me if he was not happy. It's a hard but it needs to be said.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

+1 on the clinging and begging. I failed at this miserably, these guys pounded this into my head until I got it right. As it stands, I pushed my wife to the point of no return. We're getting a D. She even mentioned many times had I just given her the time / space she needed we probably wouldn't be here. No, I don't think there's an OM at this time. 

Try to give her time and space. I've talked to too many women that have admitted to needing just that, and there wasn't an OM. 

Good luck.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

I am very confused. Some tell me that we should be spending no less than 15 hours per week together. Others tell me time and space. I was very clinging at first after finding out about the A, I couldn't keep my eyes off her and questioned every move she made. I seem to be better now but am still very gun shy.

We have made progress and feel we are mending. I however still have much uncertaintanty about our future and if she will ever see the big picture. She has everything she needs in life but when our relationship got rocky due to lifes stresses, she seemed as though she threw in the towel. 

I try my best to make things easy for everyone in my immediate family, most times doing without myself so my family is not compomised. I was always this way and is my nature. I find this entire situation very demoralizing to me and a very selfish act on my wifes part. I do know I have neglected her not to the extent of abuse or anything but I put my daughters before her, taking care of their needs before hers. 

I have adjusted and now prioritize my time and efforts in the correct order of importance. I have lightened my work load and priorities so that I have more time for just the two of us. I had forgotten how much I truely love and care for my wife. Life sure is a challange.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Yes it could. Has she seen an MD to get meds?
> 
> The best thing to do is the hardest, tell her you want her to be happy and if she wants a separation then you will agree. By clinging and begging you will turn her off and make her feel suffocated.
> 
> When my h went through this I told him that I would not force him to stay with me if he was not happy. It's a hard but it needs to be said.


Yes she has seen a MD and is on meds. She is going to individual counciling but never discusses anything with me that is mentioned or discussed at her sessions. I tried to ask her about it before and she became very irritated with me I do want her to be happy but the happiness I want is for her to be with me and our family.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> +1 on the clinging and begging. I failed at this miserably, these guys pounded this into my head until I got it right. As it stands, I pushed my wife to the point of no return. We're getting a D. She even mentioned many times had I just given her the time / space she needed we probably wouldn't be here. No, I don't think there's an OM at this time.
> 
> Try to give her time and space. I've talked to too many women that have admitted to needing just that, and there wasn't an OM.
> 
> Good luck.


I am very confused. Some tell me that we should be spending no less than 15 hours per week together. Others tell me time and space. I was very clinging at first after finding out about the A, I couldn't keep my eyes off her and questioned every move she made. I seem to be better now but am still very gun shy.

We have made progress and feel we are mending. I however still have much uncertaintanty about our future and if she will ever see the big picture. She has everything she needs in life but when our relationship got rocky due to lifes stresses, she seemed as though she threw in the towel. 

I try my best to make things easy for everyone in my immediate family, most times doing without myself so my family is not compomised. I was always this way and is my nature. I find this entire situation very demoralizing to me and a very selfish act on my wifes part. I do know I have neglected her not to the extent of abuse or anything but I put my daughters before her, taking care of their needs before hers. 

I have adjusted and now prioritize my time and efforts in the correct order of importance. I have lightened my work load and priorities so that I have more time for just the two of us. I had forgotten how much I truely love and care for my wife. Life sure is a challange.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Depression overall is a selfish disorder. Depressed people are so focused on their own unhappiness that they fail to see how their actions affect others. However I think it's an excuse to blame an affair on depression. No free passes on cheating.

Head on over to the infidelity section and learn how to handle this properly. Take the depression factor out of it. The fact is she cheated on you. Period end of story.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

scoot162 said:


> I am very confused. Some tell me that we should be spending no less than 15 hours per week together.


Think about this for a second. Suppose I want to do something fabulous like do my nails and go shopping, but you and I have not seen each other much this week. You insist on tagging along because that would bring it up to the required 15 hours. Does that make me hate you more or hate you less?



> Yes she has seen a MD and is on meds.


The drugs are not working. Get more drugs. I say this because I recently had a drug switch to include an MAOI. The difference is unbelievable. It's like flicking on a light switch and suddenly everything works again. Drugs with adrenergic effects seem to work the best for getting me excited about things.
Don't be scared to take a wide combination of drugs. For example, studies show that bupropion and citalopram taken together is more effective than taking just one or the other.



> I tried to ask her about it before and she became very irritated with me I do want her to be happy but the happiness I want is for her to be with me and our family.


Try not to be a **** about it. Don't say "meds" and don't ask if they have been taken or refilled. Doing that is pretty much as the same as asking if she wants a bib when she eats.



> The fact is she cheated on you. Period end of story.


Agreed; you should kill this woman immediately.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> Think about this for a second. Suppose I want to do something fabulous like do my nails and go shopping, but you and I have not seen each other much this week. You insist on tagging along because that would bring it up to the required 15 hours. Does that make me hate you more or hate you less?
> 
> 
> The drugs are not working. Get more drugs. I say this because I recently had a drug switch to include an MAOI. The difference is unbelievable. It's like flicking on a light switch and suddenly everything works again. Drugs with adrenergic effects seem to work the best for getting me excited about things.
> ...


Thank you for the sound advice. This is a very difficult situation like no other I have been faced with my entire life. I want her back so bad but understand it is all up to her. I cannot chage her she must do it herself. 
I don't like to talk to her about her meds as I am uncomfortable doing so. 
I believe she is doing better but I still have many doubts in my mind. Time will tell!!!


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Depression overall is a selfish disorder. Depressed people are so focused on their own unhappiness that they fail to see how their actions affect others. However I think it's an excuse to blame an affair on depression. No free passes on cheating.
> 
> Head on over to the infidelity section and learn how to handle this properly. Take the depression factor out of it. The fact is she cheated on you. Period end of story.


Thank you for your post. I have read many post and have gotten much advice. I am starting to realize more and more, I may have had my faults,as all of us do, but I did not make her cheat!

This is definitely, by far, the lowest point of my entire life


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

How bad is her depression? Is she able to get out of bed & get things done? Does she work outside of the home?

Do tell her not to make any important decisions (divorce) while she is depressed because her mind is not right. She may be playing "geographics" thinking she will be happy away from you in another home, place, etc.

Nothing could be further from the truth for a clinically depressed person. The depression just follows them around like a black cloud.

I'm sorry; it's a waiting game. You waiting for her to get better.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> +1 on the clinging and begging. I failed at this miserably, these guys pounded this into my head until I got it right. As it stands, I pushed my wife to the point of no return. We're getting a D. She even mentioned many times had I just given her the time / space she needed we probably wouldn't be here. No, I don't think there's an OM at this time.
> 
> Try to give her time and space. I've talked to too many women that have admitted to needing just that, and there wasn't an OM.
> 
> Good luck.


Is there a way to separate without disrupting the home for the children? Maybe sleep in separate rooms or come and go at different times. Trying to think out of the box, while making it as easy on the children as possible.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

Emerald said:


> How bad is her depression? Is she able to get out of bed & get things done? Does she work outside of the home?
> 
> Do tell her not to make any important decisions (divorce) while she is depressed because her mind is not right. She may be playing "geographics" thinking she will be happy away from you in another home, place, etc.
> 
> ...


She is on meds now and seem to be helping take the edge off. She has her ups and downs but just recently had brought up separation. She seems to be thinking just that, she would be happy in another place. Feels she has lost the spark with me.


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## Laurelindoren (Dec 3, 2012)

I think the first thing that has to be addressed is the fact that she cheated on you. In my opinion, having found out about my husbands affair 4 months ago, if the person who had the affair is not willing to work on the relationship at least a moderate amount the relationship is not worth saving. If the person is not committed to healing the relationship it's not going to work. 

Just as a fore warning her friends, if they are like my husbands, will excuse the cheaters actions. One of his friends, whom I thought was mine as well, told me that my husband just had a slip of the mind and it wasn't his fault. For four months, I think not. 

People also expect you to get over it fast. People gave me about a month and they expected me to be over it. Well, four months later and I'm not completely over it. I still can't get over the fact that he promised her and her kid their own place for them to all live together when he still hasn't provided that for me. But according to the books I read that's fairly normal. I guess people just don't have much sympathy. 

I also have had trouble with his friends calling me abusive when I tell him that memories about his affair still haunt me. I personally think it's a good thing for the partner to know that you are still suffering from their actions, and I know it's not good to hold such things inside. 

As far as the depression part goes I think I can speak to this as well. One of my diagnoses is Bipolar. Though I do have manic episodes I spend most of my time in deep depression. They have yet to keep me from having some sort of episode all the time, and I doubt they ever will. 

I would suggest researching the mental illness or illnesses she is diagnosed with. Not much is known about mental illness, and you'll usually find things that aren't useful but ever once in a while I have run across something that has helped me. 

A lot of people suggest time and space, which is a good thing, but a lot of the time I've noticed that I've wanted someone to stand by my side. Of course you will have to communicate to find out what she wants. Also, time and space doesn't mean ignoring her. With the time and space thing there usually needs to be a time where you can talk to each other about what happened so you both are on the same page. 

It's also important to find out what type of depression she has so you can know what to expect. 

Depression just like other illnesses has symptoms. There are going to be times when she's moody. If she crosses the line of course she should apologize. Depression of course is not an excuse to have an affair.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's been diagnosed with a mental illness. Of course it effects her rational thinking. It also heavily influences her decisions, actions, behaviors, and relationships. Right now, she is crippled. You'll have to do the heavy lifting for a while. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if her affair was a symptom of the depression. In any case, you have to figure out a way to keep yourself on an even keel and not let the emotions and whims of a mentally ill person dictate your emotional well-being. You have children and they need at least one stable parent. Your wife might be doing well just to eat, breath, and maybe eat one more day. The good news is that Depression isn't at all uncommon and most people are able to emerge from these dark places and have decent lives. Don't panic. Don't give up. Don't put the burden of your own mental and emotional health on her shoulders. She can't even take care of herself right now. This isn't her choice. It's a medical issue and I'm sure she doesn't enjoy it any more than you do. Next year, you could be the one with the loose screw and you'll need her to step up for the marriage and the kids.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

Laurelindoren said:


> I think the first thing that has to be addressed is the fact that she cheated on you. In my opinion, having found out about my husbands affair 4 months ago, if the person who had the affair is not willing to work on the relationship at least a moderate amount the relationship is not worth saving. If the person is not committed to healing the relationship it's not going to work.
> 
> Just as a fore warning her friends, if they are like my husbands, will excuse the cheaters actions. One of his friends, whom I thought was mine as well, told me that my husband just had a slip of the mind and it wasn't his fault. For four months, I think not.
> 
> ...


Is your husband remorseful? I am not getting any sympathy from my spouse. None. 
I am the person who drove her to this point. I failed to listen, and provide her the emotional needs she required. Even after she tried to tell me something was changing in her, I chose to ignore and not listen to her. 
I put my children first and our relationship last. I honestly believed it went hand in hand. Raising a family was a stage in your life that required complete commitment but I learned now, not a the expense of your marriage. 
It has been 5 months since the A and I am not over it. I still have flashbacks, still question where she is going or who she is with and have had breakdowns where I could not stop crying. 
I was very clinging at first but now I am starting to harden. I still love her but cant understand why she will not forgive me for what mistakes I have done. I am willing to forgive her for her actions. 
Maybe it was not meant to be. It would be ashame to throw 25years away.

I am sorry for your troubles, I know how you feel. I appreciate your words of advice and I will research the illness as you suggested, in hopes I can understand.


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## Laurelindoren (Dec 3, 2012)

scoot162 said:


> Is your husband remorseful? I am not getting any sympathy from my spouse. None.
> I am the person who drove her to this point. I failed to listen, and provide her the emotional needs she required. Even after she tried to tell me something was changing in her, I chose to ignore and not listen to her.
> I put my children first and our relationship last. I honestly believed it went hand in hand. Raising a family was a stage in your life that required complete commitment but I learned now, not a the expense of your marriage.
> It has been 5 months since the A and I am not over it. I still have flashbacks, still question where she is going or who she is with and have had breakdowns where I could not stop crying.
> ...


He seemed remorseful at first, but sometimes I think it was just so he didn't look bad. Now he does nothing for our relationship, not that he ever stopped putting himself before anything else, even money. For him the only thing that matters, it seems, is that he feels good.

Soon after we got back together he went to boy scout summer camp (he is a leader) for around 105$ and lost about 300$ from not working that week. We couldn't pay our bills, he didn't seem to care. All his friends could say was he needed some relaxation time because you finding out he had an affair was very stressful on him. 

I was the opposite, I was set on not getting back together and then I softened. I've heard that you have to be tough after an affair because you can't let the offending spouse walk all over you. Perhaps I should have stayed harden because my husband is walking all over me now.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

Laurelindoren said:


> He seemed remorseful at first, but sometimes I think it was just so he didn't look bad. Now he does nothing for our relationship, not that he ever stopped putting himself before anything else, even money. For him the only thing that matters, it seems, is that he feels good.
> 
> Soon after we got back together he went to boy scout summer camp (he is a leader) for around 105$ and lost about 300$ from not working that week. We couldn't pay our bills, he didn't seem to care. All his friends could say was he needed some relaxation time because you finding out he had an affair was very stressful on him.
> 
> I was the opposite, I was set on not getting back together and then I softened. I've heard that you have to be tough after an affair because you can't let the offending spouse walk all over you. Perhaps I should have stayed harden because my husband is walking all over me now.


It is so difficult understanding all the emotions you go through. We know it is fifty, fifty in a marriage but still cant understand the whirlwind you end up in. We never had issues in our marriage besides little stuff not even worth mentioning. Never had money problems, but we lived within our means. Always loved each other, respected each other. It is difficult because an A is a very selfish act and if the person is already in that state of mind, maybe they just accept it. I know my spouse said she did it for herself. 

I am a person who enjoys making others happy and I will do without to make that happen. I coach all my daughters sports teams. Pretty much that was the major contributer to the slide in our relationship. Not because she did not want me to coach but because there was little time for us. I guess maybe I was selfish for not taking her or our relationship in our marriage into consideration with all that I was doing for everyone else. 

I do still love my wife very much. She says she still loves me or cares for me and it seems the only hang up she has is that she said she lost the in love feeling she has for me. This feeling I understand is masked by the A and until complete 100 percent disconnect with the OM happens, full recovery and reconcile is unattainable.

It is very difficult for both of us to be in this situation. We are torn by what the best thing to do is. I know I want to save our marriage and family. I know deep down she does to. I believe the difference in her and I is that I do not want another option, and she is doubting or wondering what else is out there. 

Sad but true, all the wonderful things I have done in the past for her, for my family, dont seem to be taken into consideration. I failed to spend enough time with my spouse and keep our marriage healthy because I was spending it with my children. 

I sincerely hope you can find happiness in your life. It is a struggle and the uncertainty drives you insane. Time is the best healer.


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## lost in pa (Dec 8, 2012)

your situation sounds way to familiar, what advice would you give me 
do's and don'ts?


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## Laurelindoren (Dec 3, 2012)

scoot162 said:


> It is so difficult understanding all the emotions you go through. We know it is fifty, fifty in a marriage but still cant understand the whirlwind you end up in. We never had issues in our marriage besides little stuff not even worth mentioning. Never had money problems, but we lived within our means. Always loved each other, respected each other. It is difficult because an A is a very selfish act and if the person is already in that state of mind, maybe they just accept it. I know my spouse said she did it for herself.
> 
> I am a person who enjoys making others happy and I will do without to make that happen. I coach all my daughters sports teams. Pretty much that was the major contributer to the slide in our relationship. Not because she did not want me to coach but because there was little time for us. I guess maybe I was selfish for not taking her or our relationship in our marriage into consideration with all that I was doing for everyone else.
> 
> ...


Having children makes marriage much harder, especially with finding time for everyone. 

I'm really glad you brought that up, my husband has a hard enough time finding time for me in his schedule as is, with how much time he spends with his friends and video games. My husband wants to have a child, but you reminded me how horrible it would be if we did have a child. 

I feel that my husband has forgotten all the things that I've done for him. Sometimes I think only a mad woman would have but up with the things he's had me put up with, and that with what that man has put me though why would I expect him to be grateful. 

I don't know about your wife, but what I've noticed with my husband is that if it's not fun for him he's probably not going to do it and if it is fun he will sacrifice everything to do it. I believe he has some sort of addiction to things that make him feel good about himself. Of course we all like to feel good about ourselves. In my husbands case he seems to react outrageously to anything that doesn't make him feel good, and he doesn't care if doing the thing he views as unpleasant will help him in the long run. 

He also surrounds himself with friends who enable him to stay in this harmful state. People who tell him that when I have the slightest problem with his behavior that I'm being abusive. Even though these people have said horrible things about me and told my husband to divorce me my husband refuses to admit their behavior is in appropriate, stand up for me, let alone get them out of our lives. The main offender is a diagnosed Sociopath. 

I think that people with some sort of addiction to what makes them happy even when in the long run it harms them tend to have friends that enable them. 

Anyway I wouldn't be surprised if your wife had a similar problem. I would imagine most people do to some point, but most people don't hurt other people that bad.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

lost in pa said:


> your situation sounds way to familiar, what advice would you give me
> do's and don'ts?


I am not in a position to give advice, I am on an emotional rollercoaster myself. All I can tell you is when you love someone and in my case have children at home, i must do everything in my power to try to make things work.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

Laurelindoren said:


> Having children makes marriage much harder, especially with finding time for everyone.
> 
> I'm really glad you brought that up, my husband has a hard enough time finding time for me in his schedule as is, with how much time he spends with his friends and video games. My husband wants to have a child, but you reminded me how horrible it would be if we did have a child.
> 
> ...


I have admitted my failures, why is it so hard for her to admit hers? I do believe when spouses hang with toxic friends it is detrimental to the marriage and healing process. This is the most difficult situation I have ever encountered. I still blame myself for much that has happened. This has been an emotional rollercoaster for me and I am sure for you as well. I pray daily for us, our children and for our lives to return to normal.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> She's been diagnosed with a mental illness. Of course it effects her rational thinking. It also heavily influences her decisions, actions, behaviors, and relationships. Right now, she is crippled. You'll have to do the heavy lifting for a while. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if her affair was a symptom of the depression. In any case, you have to figure out a way to keep yourself on an even keel and not let the emotions and whims of a mentally ill person dictate your emotional well-being. You have children and they need at least one stable parent. Your wife might be doing well just to eat, breath, and maybe eat one more day. The good news is that Depression isn't at all uncommon and most people are able to emerge from these dark places and have decent lives. Don't panic. Don't give up. Don't put the burden of your own mental and emotional health on her shoulders. She can't even take care of herself right now. This isn't her choice. It's a medical issue and I'm sure she doesn't enjoy it any more than you do. Next year, you could be the one with the loose screw and you'll need her to step up for the marriage and the kids.


She indicated she would rather just live the rest of her life alone. Is this common thinking when depressed? This is so hard dealing with the emotional rollercoaster!


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> She's been diagnosed with a mental illness. Of course it effects her rational thinking. It also heavily influences her decisions, actions, behaviors, and relationships. Right now, she is crippled. You'll have to do the heavy lifting for a while. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if her affair was a symptom of the depression. In any case, you have to figure out a way to keep yourself on an even keel and not let the emotions and whims of a mentally ill person dictate your emotional well-being. You have children and they need at least one stable parent. Your wife might be doing well just to eat, breath, and maybe eat one more day. The good news is that Depression isn't at all uncommon and most people are able to emerge from these dark places and have decent lives. Don't panic. Don't give up. Don't put the burden of your own mental and emotional health on her shoulders. She can't even take care of herself right now. This isn't her choice. It's a medical issue and I'm sure she doesn't enjoy it any more than you do. Next year, you could be the one with the loose screw and you'll need her to step up for the marriage and the kids.


I will hang in there. It is very frustrating and when we have discussions, my frustration takes over. She only sees things her way since she was the victim. If I would have been more nurturing in our marriage, she would not have had the EA.
She blames me and until she can forgive and let go, well do we have a chance to reconcile?
I do not want to talk about this with her no longer. It doesn't get me or us anywhere. 
She has good days and bad as I do. Some days she is the fun, loving person of old, other days just sleeps.


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## scoot162 (Aug 15, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> She's been diagnosed with a mental illness. Of course it effects her rational thinking. It also heavily influences her decisions, actions, behaviors, and relationships. Right now, she is crippled. You'll have to do the heavy lifting for a while. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if her affair was a symptom of the depression. In any case, you have to figure out a way to keep yourself on an even keel and not let the emotions and whims of a mentally ill person dictate your emotional well-being. You have children and they need at least one stable parent. Your wife might be doing well just to eat, breath, and maybe eat one more day. The good news is that Depression isn't at all uncommon and most people are able to emerge from these dark places and have decent lives. Don't panic. Don't give up. Don't put the burden of your own mental and emotional health on her shoulders. She can't even take care of herself right now. This isn't her choice. It's a medical issue and I'm sure she doesn't enjoy it any more than you do. Next year, you could be the one with the loose screw and you'll need her to step up for the marriage and the kids.


I will hang in there. Good days and bad as I do as well. Someday she is fun loving of old, some days she sleeps. She hates me and blames me for everything. She wants out but hangs in there for our girls. It is difficult being supportive when she tells you she is not in love with you anymore. 
I have been over to the infidelity forum and they tel, me I am doing everything wrong. Don't be nice be tough. I feel helpless at times.


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