# What is my responsabilities?



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Hello all. Been on here since 2011. Think this may be the first time posting in this forum. Here goes:

Married 1 and a half years, after dating 5, divorced in 2011. from a 30 year marriage. When I met my now wife she was divorced 5 years. She Has a son (now 25) that during our dating moved to Florida, lived there the last two years of our courtship.About 8 months ago, he moved back to Indiana, and you guess it, in with us! Not a bad person, in fact have gotten to like/know him more this last year.. After he lived with us about 3 months(which was driving me a bit crazy, I know my issue), I decided to remodel the apartment above my office, and moved him in. He got a job, not a great job, but a job and I told him I would rent the apartment to him for $250 a month, which includes his water/sewage, and gave him access to my high speed internet and cable tv from my office below. I think a pretty sweet deal. He has not paid his rent for August, mainly I think because he has never worried about anything like that before (n Florida lived with a cousin) his utilities are past due and I am thinking this is going to be a teachable momemt when he comes home and no electricity. I own a car and a truck, my wife has her car. Well she did have her car, but son uses it to go to work (6 blocks away) and to have to drive around. In the mean time, my wife is driving my car, and I get my truck. So, I am basically providing him a place to live, pay for the insurance on the car he drives, and my system of swithching my car to my truck for winter and b ack again in Spring (keeping my mileage low on each) in the trash can. I dont mind him joining us for dinner when we go out, but guess who pays the check...me I am beginning to wonder if she married me for me, or my paycheck. What are my obligations to HIM? I realize that he is her son, I get that completely, and I am willing to help. But I of course am old school, a man sees about himself. I know that she is getting tired of me saying, "When I was 25 I was married, with a child working a job, paying all of our bills........" I struggle with just letting it go, cant help but feel like I am being taken advantage of. but part of me says "you signed up for it buddy, get use to it" What are my obligations? Thanks in advance.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Yuck! should be "What ARE my respon......" Sorry.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

nothing breaks up a relationship faster than money and blood. Have you had the talk with your wife first, because if she is not on board with your thinking than you are basically screwed.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You said he’s an okay guy so why not have a chat with him before doing anything drastic like cutting off his electricity. 
Do not get into a situation where he tries to play you off against his Mom, just make it clear that you expect him to pay his way and if he can’t or won’t then he needs to seek alternative accommodation.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> You said he’s an okay guy so why not have a chat with him before doing anything drastic like cutting off his electricity.
> Do not get into a situation where he tries to play you off against his Mom, just make it clear that you expect him to pay his way and if he can’t or won’t then he needs to seek alternative accommodation.


I am not cutting off his electricity! He has his own billing for gas and electricity.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I agree with above. He's a man, speak to him directly. Remind him that his rent is overdue and that you expect him to pay it. Also tell him the free car goes away when it's time for you to do your usual switch off routine. 

But also, does your wife work? If so, then some of the money maintaining the house that he now lives in comes from his mother. So she does have a say in how it is spent also. 

This is a difficult situation. I'd be upset to have a grown child sponging off of me too. He's never going to learn responsibility if he isn't thrown into it...sink or swim time for him!!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hi @Hoosier

Another "oldie" here--I remember "back in the day" when you were here, and it's good to hear from you again. Let's get right down to it, shall we?

I have literally been in your shoes: Dear Hubby passed away in 2017, and I met and married Beloved Hubby (@Emerging Buddhist) a year and a half later. His 25 yo daughter needed to move in with us, and she was with us for about 2 years to re-establish herself from a big-city to a smaller-town (moving her doctors, getting a job, saving for her own place, etc.). We chose to NOT have her pay rent because we wanted her to understand she was a guest and not a co-contributer who has a voice in decisions about our home. In addition, as long as she was making progress toward moving out, and as long as she put the amount of rent into a savings account, we preferred to help her save to become self-sufficient. However, similar to your situation, we found that she occasionally would fall into a habit where she took advantage of the situation rather than working toward CHANGING to self-responsibility. And like you, at 25 yo, I was already married, had my first child, and had started a business--and Beloved Buddhist was a Staff Sargeant in the army and had a successful military career!

What we did, and what I suggest you and your wife consider, is that no matter what, we presented a united front. That is to say, we didn't fall into the trap of pitting mommy against daddy. The two of us would discuss "what the issue was" and identify "what we agreed to do about the issue"...and then we would have a family meeting with our dear daughter, Beloved Buddhist and I all present. This way, all three of us were there, heard what was said, and were included in the process. In addition, the actual discussion came from Dad to his Daughter (not step-parent to step-child). It's important to have the actual parent be the one to have and lead the family meeting...and the step-parent is the one BACKING THE PARENT!! So see how it's a united front? Also, if DD did try to get me to do something her dad had said she couldn't, my reply wasn't "Yes" or "No"... it was "What did your dad say?" I strongly encourage the family meeting, so that the whole family is present and has a chance to talk and a family agreement is reached.

In your specific instance, one pretty big unknown here is where your DW stands. Is she backing you and holding DS accountable? Or is she being a little wishy-washy and letting him skate? It seems understandable that she's a mom and might feel a little less strict--I mean I can see how that would happen. As regards the specifics of your step-son and your responsibilities, here's my two cents and at first they may sound contradictory: 1) He is an adult and responsible for himself (period). From a purely "legal" standpoint, you do not have any responsibility to him. 2) You married his mother, and your dear wife loves her child, so from the standpoint of commitment, you committed to that woman and her extended family. From this more loving standpoint, I would think that unless there are mental health issues or disabilities that prevent him from maturing, that your responsibility would be to help your wife help her son become personally responsible. Does that make sense? She is the parent who has known him and raised him--she is the one who should take the lead parenting. But you are HER committed partner, and as such, you have made a commitment to give her the assistance she needs to teach him how to grow up! 

I personally would recommend not reminding him of the bills and if they are shut off a couple times, he'll learn! It may cost to have them re-established, but again...he'll learn and it won't hurt him too much. Likewise, if he doesn't pay rent, I'd say have a policy: it's due as of the 1st, payable by the 5th (or whatever day you pick), it's late by the 10th, 14-day Notice to Quit Due to Non-payment on the 15th... Finally, there's the car. I'm going to say this as politely as possible: when it's time, in Spring, to switch back from truck to your car, you make that move. That gives him from now until Spring to come up with his own mode of transportation. Yes, it is reasonable to give him a little bit of leniency regarding rent or borrowing a car--it is also reasonable for him to understand that there is a DEADLINE to the leniency...that the borrowing will expire, etc.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Hoosier said:


> "you signed up for it buddy, get use to it"


No, you didn't "sign up" to mollycoddle and change his diapers. Not at 25 years old. 



Affaircare said:


> there is a DEADLINE to the leniency..





Hoosier said:


> I think a pretty sweet deal.


Yep. Exactly. Tell him, that 3 months from now, his rent is going to $750, or whatever the going rate in your area for comparable living space. He will also be expected to share in the utilities, internet, etc. If he wants to drive a car, he will buy one. He will buy the gas, insurance, wires, tires, antifreeze, accessories, also.

25 is 7 years over the "grow up" deadline already.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

As a bit of clarity. 1. I pay all the housing costs. I pay everything. 2. My wife basically supports me when it comes to her son, but does have a lot of guilt about her divorce and feels that her D caused her son to have issues. Because of this, she can be very enabling of him.
Thanks for all input. Trying to get it straight in my mind, like the multiple points of view.

Hoosier


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

This is why apartment buildings nearly always make the lessee put the electricity in their own names. That's what needs to happen. If he doesn't pay it, he doesn't have electricity. I'm worried your wife didn't teach him any adulting. But it's better to just leave it where it's his choice and not have to get into a big lecture. I wouldn't even say anything to the wife about that at all. I'd just put it in his name and let him not have electricity or have to come up with the money. And if he goes running to her for money, which he will, then you say, I'm giving him a sweet deal. I don't care how he pays the utilities, but if he doesn't pay them, he won't have them. And then do something in writing with him about the rent. Use the local renter's agreements that are legal and just get him on it where you can legally evict if you need to. Look, it's not you who didn't raise the kid to be responsible and stand on his own two feet, so be ready to terminate if needed.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Yeah, let his utilities get shut off (as long as it doesn't affect you!). He will have to learn the hard way that there is no "Easy" button in life. If he comes in and asks what happened, I would say "No idea? Did you pay your electric bill?" Not YOUR job to be his accountant.

Also, YES talk with your wife about the car and the rent.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like nothing’s changed (I remember your other threads about the situation).

How did your wife support herself — and her son — before you came along?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

IIRC, your wife was the one who pushed to get married when the two of you did? Maybe she was just tired of dating or maybe she wanted financial help?

I think you need to lay it out for the two of them. She’s an enabler. He takes advantage of your resources. That will continue as long as you let it.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Hoosier said:


> Hello all. Been on here since 2011. Think this may be the first time posting in this forum. Here goes:
> 
> Married 1 and a half years, after dating 5, divorced in 2011. from a 30 year marriage. When I met my now wife she was divorced 5 years. She Has a son (now 25) that during our dating moved to Florida, lived there the last two years of our courtship.About 8 months ago, he moved back to Indiana, and you guess it, in with us! Not a bad person, in fact have gotten to like/know him more this last year.. After he lived with us about 3 months(which was driving me a bit crazy, I know my issue), I decided to remodel the apartment above my office, and moved him in. He got a job, not a great job, but a job and I told him I would rent the apartment to him for $250 a month, which includes his water/sewage, and gave him access to my high speed internet and cable tv from my office below. I think a pretty sweet deal. He has not paid his rent for August, mainly I think because he has never worried about anything like that before (n Florida lived with a cousin) his utilities are past due and I am thinking this is going to be a teachable momemt when he comes home and no electricity. I own a car and a truck, my wife has her car. Well she did have her car, but son uses it to go to work (6 blocks away) and to have to drive around. In the mean time, my wife is driving my car, and I get my truck. So, I am basically providing him a place to live, pay for the insurance on the car he drives, and my system of swithching my car to my truck for winter and b ack again in Spring (keeping my mileage low on each) in the trash can. I dont mind him joining us for dinner when we go out, but guess who pays the check...me I am beginning to wonder if she married me for me, or my paycheck. What are my obligations to HIM? I realize that he is her son, I get that completely, and I am willing to help. But I of course am old school, a man sees about himself. I know that she is getting tired of me saying, "When I was 25 I was married, with a child working a job, paying all of our bills........" I struggle with just letting it go, cant help but feel like I am being taken advantage of. but part of me says "you signed up for it buddy, get use to it" What are my obligations? Thanks in advance.


Treat him like an adult. 
Pay the rent you are due or leave. 
If you are going to take advantage of me then you need to go. 
Treat him like a man...not a child. 
He is living in YOUR home. 
His mom isn't single and he isn't living in her home. He is now living in your home. She isn't a single mom anymore and he isn't 17. 
You owe him nothing. If he is making a burden of himself and mooching off you then treat him like an adult and give him a man to man talk and apply appropriate consequences if he cheats you. 
Treat your wife with empathy but he is an adult. You agreed to marry her, not take on some parent/child provider role for someone else's kids. 
If it isn't a big deal to you and she pushes hard to baby him you can be lax. If it is a big deal to you then treat her like an adult too. You married her, you didn't agree to take other adults living with you as grounds for marriage and refuse to be forced into this. 
Let her do whatever she is going to do.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

There is support for a grown child and then there is taking advantage. If your W D affected her son then IC for the son should be scheduled. Supporting the son indefinitely is not only not helpful for the son to get back on his feet and grow up, it is creating an issue in your marriage. Your W should be supporting your decision to work towards her son's independence. Not be his caretaker.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Hoosier said:


> I pay all the housing costs. I pay everything.


So, maybe she needs a deadline, too.



Hoosier said:


> have a lot of guilt about her divorce and feels that her D caused her son to have issues.


That is quite likely true. "Caused"...... is in the PAST tense. Whatever "issues" he has are, not now, the fault of anyone but himself.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Hoosier said:


> Hello all. Been on here since 2011. Think this may be the first time posting in this forum. Here goes:
> 
> Married 1 and a half years, after dating 5, divorced in 2011. from a 30 year marriage. When I met my now wife she was divorced 5 years. She Has a son (now 25) that during our dating moved to Florida, lived there the last two years of our courtship.About 8 months ago, he moved back to Indiana, and you guess it, in with us! Not a bad person, in fact have gotten to like/know him more this last year.. After he lived with us about 3 months(which was driving me a bit crazy, I know my issue), I decided to remodel the apartment above my office, and moved him in. He got a job, not a great job, but a job and I told him I would rent the apartment to him for $250 a month, which includes his water/sewage, and gave him access to my high speed internet and cable tv from my office below. I think a pretty sweet deal. He has not paid his rent for August, mainly I think because he has never worried about anything like that before (n Florida lived with a cousin) his utilities are past due and I am thinking this is going to be a teachable momemt when he comes home and no electricity. I own a car and a truck, my wife has her car. Well she did have her car, but son uses it to go to work (6 blocks away) and to have to drive around. In the mean time, my wife is driving my car, and I get my truck. So, I am basically providing him a place to live, pay for the insurance on the car he drives, and my system of swithching my car to my truck for winter and b ack again in Spring (keeping my mileage low on each) in the trash can. I dont mind him joining us for dinner when we go out, but guess who pays the check...me I am beginning to wonder if she married me for me, or my paycheck. What are my obligations to HIM? I realize that he is her son, I get that completely, and I am willing to help. But I of course am old school, a man sees about himself. I know that she is getting tired of me saying, "When I was 25 I was married, with a child working a job, paying all of our bills........" I struggle with just letting it go, cant help but feel like I am being taken advantage of. but part of me says "you signed up for it buddy, get use to it" What are my obligations? Thanks in advance.


You are 100% right, but it may end your marriage. 

You can go to him directly but just be careful. Ughh. Not a fun situation.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Hoosier said:


> I am not cutting off his electricity! He has his own billing for gas and electricity.


So if/when his electricity gets shut off due to nonpayment, just be sure that your wife (which is really you, let's be real), doesn't pay it for him.

The real issue is your wife. You need to talk to her first and get her on your page. Because if she has access to your money, you can talk to her son until you're blue in the face. It won't matter because Mom will come up right behind you and take care of it $$$.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Update: Discussed situation with my wife, and she and I agree just she is I believe easily swayed sometimes. She did let him know that the car needs to be returned and it is to be today. Tough talk with her, as I dont do talking well, Told her I was proud of her as she was the one who really pushed the need to talk about it. I am waiting to see how it goes a bit. I did not tell her about his late utility bill. He is 25. Living on his own. His responsibility. Hopefully he pays. Interesting to see.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

lucy999 said:


> So if/when his electricity gets shut off due to nonpayment, just be sure that your wife (which is really you, let's be real), doesn't pay it for him.
> 
> The real issue is your wife. You need to talk to her first and get her on your page. Because if she has access to your money, you can talk to her son until you're blue in the face. It won't matter because Mom will come up right behind you and take care of it $$$.


Right! I will know when it happens before she does. I think she will see this as a teachable moment. Time will tell.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Hoosier said:


> .... but part of me says "you signed up for it buddy, get use to it" ...


*Really? * 

You "signed up" to take on your wife's loser 25 year old kid who's couch-surfed his whole life because your wife failed to raise him properly? What a load of **** *that* is.

You don't "owe" this kid squat, and you don't owe him squat just because you married his mother. I'm guessing your deadbeat wife just expects* you* to continue footing the bill for her failure in raising this kid properly. She's had 25 years and by the looks of things, she's just enabled him to be a loser his whole life and now YOU'RE her accomplice.

I'm guessing Mother of the Year doesn't work. Unreal.

You've been HAD.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I see you're way too passive and that's your biggest problem. 

Your wife is too busy chewing her 25 year old 'baby's' food for him to realize the LIABILITY she's dumped on your head. She'd BETTER get that car back today because this kid is one big risk to you, out driving a car titled in yours or your wife's name, insured to you. What do you think will happen if Mr. Ambition causes an accident that maims someone for life or worse yet, kills them? 

Who do you THINK is going to be sued for that? Who do you THINK the insurance company is likely to refuse to pay out for because this kid driving your car is a huge grey area? That would be YOU.

It's bad enough your wife is taking advantage of you (and that is so obvious). But when she starts having her parasite son ALSO start feeding off of you as well - and you're too afraid to open your mouth and stand up for yourself - then you're going to pay dearly for it.

Get that car back and ban him from driving it!


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I see you're way too passive and that's your biggest problem.
> 
> Your wife is too busy chewing her 25 year old 'baby's' food for him to realize the LIABILITY she's dumped on your head. She'd BETTER get that car back today because this kid is one big risk to you, out driving a car titled in yours or your wife's name, insured to you. What do you think will happen if Mr. Ambition causes an accident that maims someone for life or worse yet, kills them?
> 
> ...



Thanks for your advice. As for the car usage, you are spot on! I know because I am and have been an insurance agent with my own agency for 31 years.

For clarification. She is agreeing with me. We are going to provide a united front. oh,,,,, and she works.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, considering that it’s at least fleetingly crossed your mind if she married you for your paycheck (whether it was a serious thought or not), maybe she doesn’t make enough to support herself and her son? If that’s true, I would say it benefits her to agree with you about this. Whether she can truly stop enabling him remains to be seen.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Hoosier said:


> ,,,,, and she works.





Hoosier said:


> I am beginning to wonder if she married me for me, or my paycheck
> I pay all the housing costs. I pay everything


You may "wonder"..... but I don't..... that may be a personal bias because of my past experiences.... but sounds like @Openminded nailed it.....

My guess is that she will placate you by "united front" until d-day comes..... her son had a good teacher on how to conduct his life....


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Hoosier said:


> Thanks for your advice. As for the car usage, you are spot on! I know because I am and have been an insurance agent with my own agency for 31 years.
> 
> For clarification. She is agreeing with me. We are going to provide a united front. oh,,,,, and she works.


From my understanding the insurance follows the car. Not the driver. Daughters BF had an accident in my D car. Our insurance covered repairs of both vehicle. But never the less, the car belongs to you. It is something to lend every now and then. It is not there for the son to take as his own. Specifically when it breaks down and the son is standing there asking when YOU will get it repaired.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I opened my first checking/savings account when I was 20. I was in school, working, and living back home (with a kid and divorcing already) with my mom at the time. When I brought the checkbook and paperwork home, she saw them on the diningroom table. She sat me down and showed me how to balance my checkbook and lectured me in being careful and conscious of my spending. But I didn't listen. I wasn't careful and conscious and I didn't maintain my checkbook either, so you can imagine what happened. It was a hard lesson to learn and I had no one to blame but myself.

So I didn't even try to blame my mom for not informing me of the consequences of my capricious spending.She just didn't think to say that part. She expected I would have sense enough to listen and do as she told me. However, I did feel it would have been nice if I had known, if I had expectations that there would be consequences. Sounds dumb, I know, but I was a dumb kid with a job, a baby, and a divorce in the works, none of which automatically made me a mature adult. I was learning, and I was paying the price for those lessons.

You don't like the situation, and I don't blame you. He's not your kid, and this whole ugly scene is a normal aspect of an unnatural familial condition called stepfamily. It's so common that I could scream from being sick of hearing and reading about all the stepfamily problems and maladies. So it's easy for you to say.....



Hoosier said:


> I did not tell her about his late utility bill. He is 25. Living on his own. His responsibility. Hopefully he pays. Interesting to see.


.....but wouldn't it be nice if you just told him what to expect? Would it cost you anything to let him know his utilities will be shut off if he doesn't pay the bill? If he still doesn't pay it, then he can learn the price of adulting. I can't say I know the pleasure you're getting out of knowing he will come home to that kind of surprise.

You don't have any responsibilities where he is concerned. You've done more than is expected of you, which was nice of you if you did it out of genuine generosity, which your quote above brings into question. It almost seems like you're taking pleasure from it.

Just gvie him a heads up for pete's sake. That's what a nice guy would do.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Hoosier said:


> She did let him know that the car needs to be returned and it is to be today.


Did you get your car back?


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

What about his late rent? What are his late fees? You have to be his landlord and have him sign a lease. Treat him like any other 25 year old adult having to make it in this world. Otherwise he has some very tough times ahead if or when mommy finally cuts the apron strings. Do it now or he’ll be there at age 40 sponging off of you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Make sure you relay to her that she will be HELPING her son by enacting rules about such things. He clearly missed that part about self-reliability growing up, now she has the chance to teach him. No emotions, just helping him learn to stand on his own. Do you have a rule in place for what happens when he's 2 months late on rent?


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