# Don't Know What Else To Do - advice, please



## readytoquit (Dec 30, 2013)

New here - and currently crushed. Have been married (2nd time) for 18years. Here's the problem: My husband's sister has caused quite the rift in my husband's and my marriage. She has made it crystal clear that she does not wish for me to be in the picture. Some examples are: inviting his ex-wife to her daughter's wedding and having the ex sit at the "immediate family" table while placing the two of us at a cousins table; never attending any bridal/baby showers I've had for my step-children, but rather attending events hosted by my husband's ex (meanwhile, I've bothered to travel and attend her children's showers, etc.); inviting the ex to holiday gatherings and telling my husband and I we could stay at a hotel if we wish to be there; not even picking-up the phone to extend a word of sympathy to me on the loss of my mother. I could go on and on here. Anyway, my mother-in-law (whom I love and get along with very well) is now in a nursing home. Her apartment is directly across the 2ft wide hall from my sister-in-law. We were recently goung down to visit my MIL at the nursing home, which would require an overnight stay. Given very recent latest slap in the puss from the SIL, I very nicely told my H that I'd appreciate staying at local hotel when visiting MIL rather than having to run into his sister at the apt. He said that would be a "terrible waste of money.". I assure you, there is no $ problem and he seems to spend plenty of $ on the things he deems important in life. Anyway, his reaction was to then give me the silent treatment for ensuing two days until we left and during the entire 4hr ride to see his mother. Back at the apt after visiting w/his mother, he continued lack of discussion and I just blew up out of complete frustration. The next morning, I asked him to drive me to the train station to take the train home as I couldn't bear another silent 4hr ride home, avoiding the problem. This is not new for him. In 18yrs, he's never once apologized after an argument as he sees that as a sign of weakness. Instead, he prefers to go days, weeks, once even a month, being silent until I finally can't take it any more and cave. I'm so hurt by a) his unwillingness to stand-up for me with his sister, and b) allowing me to take a train home instead of actually dealing with the problem. He doesn't seem to have much respect for me and I'm quickly losing any I may have for him. I'm crushed and heartbroken. Any advice would be most welcome. Thank you.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

What broke up your h & ex-w's marriage? 

Were you in the picture when his first marriage blew up? [not trying to be offensive, just trying to understand *why* SIL hates YOU and loves ex-w. Why can't she love BOTH of you? If you were involved with h, I can see why she might feel she had to 'choose sides'.]

Have you and SIL EVER gotten along? Does she play 'favourites' among other relatives as well?

Not much you can do about him seeing admitting fault as a 'weakness' instead of a 'strength' of character.


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## readytoquit (Dec 30, 2013)

Nope, not involved w/H during his 1st marriage. His SIL and I got along fine until 10ys ago at H's daughter's wedding. She then "reunited" with his Ex and they've benn BFFs since. His 1st marriage was troubled by Ex seeing a therapist for years, years and he didn't believe in therapy. Didn't work out. His sister is quite the controlling, manipulative #%^* and I think because both she and his Ex are single, they're both very bitter women (SIL actually far worse than the Ex). She likes to control everyone in her life as they were puppets. And I played along for many years, in an effort to have my H's family like me, but a person can only take so much #%^* before it comes to an end. I don't want to even see her as I'm afraid of what would come out of my mouth. Which is why I thought my request to stay at a hotel was a fairly reasonable one. I'm deeply hurt by what I see as a total lack of standing up for me - again, both in allowing his S to be so nasty and by avoiding resolution to our problem and allowing me to just get out of the car and take a train home. Am I the one with the problem??


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your husband is very much in the wrong for not having your back and standing up for you. Your spouse is supposed to be your biggest supporter in life. I could understand a little bit if there was some real issue where you had done something nasty to the sister, but I am not reading that anything like that happened. And giving you the silent treatment for so long is a form of abuse! Stop caving to him, or he will continue, I mean its been like this for 18 years, obviously HE wont change, so it needs to start with you. When he gives the silent treatment, just go about your life like he isnt even there. You need to decide if you can continue to live the rest of your life with a man who does not respect or support you.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yep, you've got to stop caving in to him. He'll just keep doing it as long as he thinks he is going to "win" eventually. And yes he needs to back you up at times as well.

Some parts of your story I can understand from his angle. The hotel for example. If my wife were saying the same things you did to him about wanting the hotel, I'm sure my initial response would be that it's a waste of money because we men process everything differently than you ladies do. From my perspective, logically speaking, the "problem" is that we need a place to stay while visiting mom. The solutions available are stay at her apartment for free, or pay $100 (for example) for a hotel. Both solve the "problem" so the $100 hotel is a waste of money. So obviously the next question is tougher because you add the input of "staying at the apartment makes me uncomfortable because of your sister's proximity to it." So now the question is whether that very short term discomfort, that might not materialize at all if she avoids coming to the apartment, especially if your husband pre-emptively asks her to, is worth the $100 expense to avoid? Again, I could see him preferring alternative solutions first. If my wife weren't really willing to even discuss the matter with me, it was hotel or angrily leaving early on a train, I'd absolutely let her take the train, I wouldn't reward that treatment.

I'm not saying that you weren't willing to discuss of course, just an "if" thing.

I can also understand your SIL's position. She was probably good friends with the EW (or just good SIL relationship) but sided with her brother during the divorce and had good reason to. Years later the EW reappears and somewhat misses SIL and they rekindle their good relationship, and have a lot in common so it makes sense for them. EW also probably has some lingering frustration/pain/questions from the marriage that inevitably gets discussed with SIL, issues SIL can probably relate to or makes sense to her. She has more in common with EW, a much longer history with EW, probably a lot more contact with EW, and suddenly she pretty much prefers EW over you. She invites EW along to events, gatherings, trips, etc., including those that you and your H are present for.

I don't think there is anything really wrong about any of that so far, but here's the line. This is where your husband should step in to talk to the SIL and ask him to please respect you, his wife, in situations where it is called for. If she just really loves EW as a great friend, then that's her business now and she can hang out with whomever she wants. Even inviting her to family events is ok, as long as she is doing it purely because she wants her friend there, not because she's trying to deliver a message or "right a wrong" or something like that. But that should be made clear to her, and you should be afforded just as much respect or more as his wife and her current SIL. Of course you also have to understand that he can't make her do anything, he has no right to restrict who she invites to events, where they sit, who she is friends with, etc. He can ask respectfully, but she doesn't have to accept.

So yes, your husband should step in if he hasn't yet and have a serious talk with his sister. If he asked her to be more considerate, maybe rethink seating arrangements or what kind of events she invites EW to and she outright refuses to consider any of these requests, then that is where I would go a different route if I were your husband. That's where I'd probably just politely inform her that if she refuses to compromise or respect my position or my wife, then she can plan future events without either of us. I wouldn't be cutting her off altogether of course, but I wouldn't be able to ask my wife to subject herself to undeserved poor treatment like that either.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

cdbaker said:


> I can also understand your SIL's position. She was probably good friends with the EW (or just good SIL relationship) but sided with her brother during the divorce and had good reason to. Years later the EW reappears and somewhat misses SIL and they rekindle their good relationship, and have a lot in common so it makes sense for them. EW also probably has some lingering frustration/pain/questions from the marriage that inevitably gets discussed with SIL, issues SIL can probably relate to or makes sense to her. She has more in common with EW, a much longer history with EW, probably a lot more contact with EW, and suddenly she pretty much prefers EW over you. She invites EW along to events, gatherings, trips, etc., including those that you and your H are present for.
> 
> I don't think there is anything really wrong about any of that so far, but here's the line. This is where your husband should step in to talk to the SIL and ask him to please respect you, his wife, in situations where it is called for. If she just really loves EW as a great friend, then that's her business now and she can hang out with whomever she wants. *Even inviting her to family events is ok, as long as she is doing it purely because she wants her friend there, not because she's trying to deliver a message or "right a wrong" or something like that. *But that should be made clear to her, and you should be afforded just as much respect or more as his wife and her current SIL. Of course you also have to understand that he can't make her do anything, he has no right to restrict who she invites to events, where they sit, who she is friends with, etc. He can ask respectfully, but she doesn't have to accept.
> 
> So yes, your husband should step in if he hasn't yet and have a serious talk with his sister. If he asked her to be more considerate, maybe rethink seating arrangements or what kind of events she invites EW to and she outright refuses to consider any of these requests, then that is where I would go a different route if I were your husband. *That's where I'd probably just politely inform her that if she refuses to compromise or respect my position or my wife, then she can plan future events without either of us. I wouldn't be cutting her off altogether of course, but I wouldn't be able to ask my wife to subject herself to undeserved poor treatment like that either*.


I disagree with this. The SIL should not be inviting the ex wife to family events any more. It is disrespectful to you and your husband, and the ex wife should have more class than to accept the invite in the first place. There is no issue with the two of them being friends, but she has no place at family functions any more since your husband has remarried. SIL sounds like a real b!tch. 

I do agree with this last part I bolded.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I agree that the SIL probably shouldn't invite the EW to family events unless she or her immediate family are responsible for the event. For example, if EW is one of SIL's very best friends now and has a 40th birthday party, I can understand why she would want to invite the EW and her brother and his wife (OP). Her party, her choice. 

With that said, any other group family events (like mom's birthday or a family wedding or house warming party or Thanksgiving, etc.) I also agree that it is pretty disrespectful to invite EW if she knows her brother and his wife will be attending. Disrespectful to BOTH of them, not just OP. At the same time, I think it's up to OP's husband to decide how to approach this. (His family issue, he's the one stuck in the middle)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

readytoquit said:


> His sister is quite the controlling, manipulative #%^*


Sounds like your husband isn't far behind.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

readytoquit said:


> New here - and currently crushed. Have been married (2nd time) for 18years. Here's the problem: My husband's sister has caused quite the rift in my husband's and my marriage. She has made it crystal clear that she does not wish for me to be in the picture. Some examples are: inviting his ex-wife to her daughter's wedding and having the ex sit at the "immediate family" table while placing the two of us at a cousins table; never attending any bridal/baby showers I've had for my step-children, but rather attending events hosted by my husband's ex (meanwhile, I've bothered to travel and attend her children's showers, etc.); inviting the ex to holiday gatherings and telling my husband and I we could stay at a hotel if we wish to be there.


Your H's ex is the mother of his children. I think you need to be gracious while she is front and center at events involving her children and nieces, etc. Esp, sounds like the ex-wife is alone, so making her comfortable is kind.

Be thankful your SIL invited you instead of resenting where she had you sit which strikes me as petty on your part. 

My dad was married to OW when I got married. I was pretty embarrassed by his wife attempting to insert herself in and get attention for herself. It was important to me that my MOM have the place of honor at my wedding. The OW did not make it into my wedding album and they have long since divorced. 

Daddy was no prize. Maybe your H isn't either. Don't take that out on his ex or your SIL.


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## readytoquit (Dec 30, 2013)

Wow, number of varying pieces of advice here - thank you. Blonde, it was my H's sister's daughter's wedding at which my H and I got seated at cousins' table and not at immediate family table, where SIL placed H's Ex - not my husband's daughter's wedding. At my H's daughter's wedding, I was asked by step-daughter to take care of having invitations printed and excluded my name altogether in the "daughter of ..." section so as to not in any way insinuate myself in that regard. Don't mean to give you advice, as you asked for none, but sounds like you might need some help dealing with your own feelings on your father's re-marriage?

I texted my H an apology last night and after 2hrs, he texted me back an acceptance of same. He didn't bother to hug me or make any other sign of affection - just simply a text saying "Apology accepted." I texted it instead of face-to-face as this is his preferred method of communication when dealing w/unpleasant disagreements. I have decided in this New Year that in an effort to remain married, it is for the best that I keep any feelings I have under wrap and just agree with whatever he thinks. Not sure if it's the healthiest way to live, but it is what it is. Thanks very much to all for taking the time to respond to me.


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## readytoquit (Dec 30, 2013)

Just one more reply to Blondie. As for my step-daughter's wedding, for which I paid btw, I did not attend any of the food or cake tastings, didn't attend consults with band or florist, had a lovely bridal shower for H's entire side of family. I do believe I am a sensitive enough person who did not want to, in any way, steal any degree of limelight from my step-daughter's mother. Just wanted you to know that.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

readytoquit said:


> Don't mean to give you advice, as you asked for none, but sounds like you might need some help dealing with your own feelings on your father's re-marriage?
> .


LOL! My dad was dumped by his second wife in the mid 1990's and has been married and divorced twice since. Like I said, he's no prize 

He's 83 and has a live-in now. Mystery to me how he keeps recruiting replacements


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

readytoquit said:


> I have decided in this New Year that in an effort to remain married, it is for the best that I keep any feelings I have under wrap and just agree with whatever he thinks. Not sure if it's the healthiest way to live, but it is what it is.


Wow. Talk about selling your soul just to have a man next to you. I hope you will read some other threads and see how what you are suggesting works out (or not).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

readytoquit said:


> Just one more reply to Blondie. As for my step-daughter's wedding, for which I paid btw, I did not attend any of the food or cake tastings, didn't attend consults with band or florist, had a lovely bridal shower for H's entire side of family. I do believe I am a sensitive enough person who did not want to, in any way, steal any degree of limelight from my step-daughter's mother. Just wanted you to know that.


Then why didn't her own mother pay for her wedding?

It sounds like you have some serious codependency issues. Have you done any reading on that?


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## readytoquit (Dec 30, 2013)

Her mother didn't have the $ for a wedding. H still not talking about the issue at hand, that's been at hand for 10years now, but which he never wants to discuss. After spending NY Eve upstairs by myself, watching Hope Springs (ironically about a middle-aged couple unraveling), with him downstairs watching Twilight Zone marathon, I just don't know what to do. Worst NY of my life. He's now spurting out monosyllabic thoughts, like "want pizza?", "watch movie?", etc. I got a list of marriage counsellors in our area from our health ins provider and emailed it to him. Told him to choose whether he wants male or female, as it really doesn't matter to me - people are people. My 22yr old son is moving to HI this week and Im really trying to hold my #%^ together with my H until he leaves. It really scares me to think that it's come to counselling to help solve our communication problems. Right now, I resent him so much - so much hurt. I'm sure he's unhappy, too. Just sad and scared to think of a divorce.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't be surprised if he doesn't go with you. But make sure you go anyway.


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