# Sex in marriage when a parent is dying



## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

What do you consider a reasonable amount of sex when a spouses morher is dying of stage 4 cancer, and your spice is the primary caregiver? Would twice a month be okay. Once a Several times on a good weekend?
After death would it be okay to wait 6-8 Weeks?

Side now: spouse had had a complete hysterectomy, and passion from adhesions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that the answer to this is a very personal one. Some people want a lot of sex during times of grief because it makes them feel better. Others don't.

Also, could you please edit your post and edit it as some of it is not very clear. For example "passion from adhesions"? What does that mean?


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## jane jasmine (Dec 29, 2019)

Must be very different from person to person. I guess there's no right answer or "formula" for this. Just go with the spouses feelings and emotions and see what happens and how often


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

If you’re asking because you’re unsure of how often to ask for it I’d recommend talking with your wife. The last thing you want is her feeling like she’s losing you as well as her mother so I’d be careful about stopping initiating cold turkey because you think that helps her.


If you’re asking because she’s the one not interested there is no real answer here. She’s the one who knows what she can and can’t handle. It’s impossible to describe what it like to care for your dying mother. I recommend you be as helpful and supportive as possible...pick up extra tasks around the house to lighten her load...dinner, dishes, laundry, etc. Does she have any siblings who give her a night off here and there for you two to spend some alone time together?

So sorry you're all going through this...it is not easy. *hugs*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Ed3n said:


> What do you consider a reasonable amount of sex when a spouses morher is dying of stage 4 cancer, and your spice is the primary caregiver? Would twice a month be okay. Once a Several times on a good weekend?
> After death would it be okay to wait 6-8 Weeks?
> 
> Side now: spouse had had a complete hysterectomy, and passion from adhesions.


*My heart goes out to you both!

This is a personal decision whose dictates are going to be determined by a sheer plethora of factors.

Firstly, your spouses state of mind. Just as there is going to be good days, there will also be the not so good days, with the good days being steadily outnumbered! 

The emotional communication between the two of you is foremost, but you need to be there for her, just as the if the shoe were on the other foot, she should be there for you!

Find quiet time to talk, communicate, rationalize, empathize, and more importantly to show love! That is what's paramount in getting there! *


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dynamics vary. Mine would be to make love to her even more often than usual. Sex comforts us both.


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## hilariouslaughter (Jan 15, 2020)

There are no hard and fast rules for during tragedy...

Other than the rules of empathy, compassion, and unselfishness.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Even the best intentions can go badly due to misinterpretation of motive. Go cautiously and look for ways to share in your wife's grief. Nobody mentioned one of the toughest issues with this journey. You know how it ends, but you don't know how long it will take to get there. You will have moments of false hope that nobody can tell you if your wife is better off having that brief respite from reality or if her hopes needs to be tempered.

When it's clear that things are close to the end, this may sound very strange, but have your wife ask her mom about her dreams. I have no idea why I did this with my Grandmother. It was as if God called upon me to do so. It came out of nowhere. But, at 102 years old, my Grandmother became very alive and happy to talk about her wildly-vivid dreams, all of which were about happy times growing up on the farm. I'd say she was looking back to when she was maybe 15-25 or so. Talking about her dreams was life a gift to her. I have no idea if this is unusual or the norm. But if your wife's mom opens up like my Grandmother did, it would be a wonderful experience.

My very best to all of you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The OP is a woman and her mom has passed on. May she rest in peace.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The answer is to talk to that spouse from a point of empathy and have it be real. Do not be accusatory be sympathetic. The tact would be. 

I would first ask you is this about sex or is this about seeing your spouse get caught in their grief and feeling powerless to help. It may feel like you are losing connection. So if it is then you would be much better off saying so and asking to be allowed to be a part of that. For many people physical intimacy is a part of that connection so it makes sense if your partner is pulling away that there is even more desire for that. But a better tact might be to talk about that and see if that talking and trying to draw close will lead to intimacy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When my mum died very suddenly and very traumatically in her 50's, I had no interest in sex. I was emotionally and physically exhausted and barely coping with it all, as well as trying to care for three small children and support my dad, and sex was the totally last thing on my mind for some time.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> When my mum died very suddenly and very traumatically in her 50's, I had no interest in sex. I was emotionally and physically exhausted and barely coping with it all, as well as trying to care for three small children and support my dad, and sex was the totally last thing on my mind for some time.


"Some time" can mean very different things to different people. I don't think I'm invading privacy by asking a bit more specifically what you mean by "some time?" TAM has greatly broadened by ideas of how long some things can carry on before resolution. Thanks-


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ed3n said:


> What do you consider a reasonable amount of sex when a spouses morher is dying of stage 4 cancer, and your spice is the primary caregiver? Would twice a month be okay. Once a Several times on a good weekend?
> After death would it be okay to wait 6-8 Weeks?
> 
> Side now: spouse had had a complete hysterectomy, and passion from adhesions.


Presumably she has had adhesions which can be debilitating in their pain?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Ed3n said:


> What do you consider a reasonable amount of sex when a spouses morher is dying of stage 4 cancer, and your spice is the primary caregiver? Would twice a month be okay. Once a Several times on a good weekend?
> After death would it be okay to wait 6-8 Weeks?
> 
> Side now: spouse had had a complete hysterectomy, and passion from adhesions.


Honestly, while she’s in crisis, I’d be expecting zero sex and I wouldn’t worry about that at all. My focus would be on supporting her through this time.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> The OP is a woman and her mom has passed on. May she rest in peace.


Condolences OP. All the best to you during this difficult time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> "Some time" can mean very different things to different people. I don't think I'm invading privacy by asking a bit more specifically what you mean by "some time?" TAM has greatly broadened by ideas of how long some things can carry on before resolution. Thanks-


To be honest I cant remember in detail as it was 34 years ago. Certainly many weeks. I was with my first husband then.


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