# Unequal Energy Levels Exasperating Burnout



## EmcBoc

I am newly married (within a year), I work a full time job and have two teenage boys at home. I am a very laid back person of low energy. My husband is retired with no children and has energy to spare - Hyper. I enjoy his energy and it is one of the things that attracts me to him. However, this means he does not understand my lack of energy. I am in the midst of being diagnosed with some sort of autoimmune disorder that had me in a wheelchair a few weeks back as well as having sleep apnea and a job that honestly doesn't suit me. Honestly, by 5pm I am intellectually drained, go home and make dinner and by 7pm ready to crash in front of the couch. Only to get up at 7:30am to be at work at 8am the next day and do it all over again. My husband is up at 6am and ready to go with whatever project he has going, comes home at 1pm for lunch and a nap, 3pm out the door again till 8pm, watches some TV with me and then catches about an hour of sleep then up till 3am doing laundry or something in the house or paperwork. He gets frustrated that I don't have the energy or the wherewith all to do more than I do. He will ask me to things that will make me have a meltdown. Before we were married I refused to do anything on Saturdays that was not restorative in nature just so I could get through the week. Now he has me working projects all weekend that continue to drain me. In fact Monday I took a sick day because I was too drained to leave the bedroom. I'm in the process of addressing my health, a big factor I am sure, but that takes time and adds to the stress levels as I am learning my new issues and how it affects me and treatment has yet to be ascertained. I am also in the process of working towards new employment that is better suited to my personality and talents. Again, takes time, I cannot quit my job today. Here I am feeling like a heel that he outperforms me in tasks and silently resenting that he asks for my help in most things. I have explained my burnout and fatigue to him and he says very understanding and supportive things but then his actions seem to not understand the depth of my fatigue, physically and mentally. I want to help him but it only makes me more burned out.

I'm not sure how to keep up with him without having a complete nervous breakdown but then again not feel lazy/guilty that I can't help more. I want to have an equal marriage where neither feels neglected or resentful. I would be grateful for any advice on what I can do.


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## MattMatt

@EmcBoc, welcome tp TAM.

You are not actually laid back and low energy, you are, in fact, quite seriously ill.

You are also impeded by a spouse who is, to be honest, less than understanding of your health issues.

How old are you both?


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## Betrayedone

Perhaps he has ADHD? For him to be understanding about what's going on verbally but then to not act in that manner makes me think adhd. Somehow he needs to get the message that what you are experiencing is serious.


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## Girl_power

I think the least you should do is be firm about having one day a week to recharge your batteries. 

Health should be the #1 priority. And not only does that me figuring out what autoimmune disease you have, but also making sure you de stress, get enough sleep, eat healthy, get your exercise in etc. just reading your post stressed me out. You need to speak up to your husband and advocate for yourself. On Saturday’s when he asks you to do a project just say... I’m sorry honey, Saturday’s are my new dedicated me days. I love you, and I can help you tomorrow, but today is my me day.


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## Mr.Married

EmcBoc said:


> . I am in the midst of being diagnosed with some sort of autoimmune disorder that had me in a wheelchair a few weeks back .


Do your joints hurt and feel like they are swollen ? Do you have IBS or symptoms of ? Do you find that you like eating ice ?


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## She'sStillGotIt

So *you* work all day - and he's retired with all this energy "to spare" - yet he's incapable of having dinner ready for you when you get home from work? Let me guess - he can't make toast or boil water therefore, it's just 'best' that YOU do it, is that it? 

So Peter Pan has all day to play at all his little hobbies, yet he can't even take the damned initiative to do anything to make YOUR life a little better? I guess it never occurred to this selfish little man that you're not his mommy and that he should be contributing *productively* to his own household with just a little effort on his part? For instance, maybe he could drop his ice sculpting class or his origami lessons and take a cooking course instead, and learn how to cook basic meals. Then, he could actually do something of VALUE at home, rather than doing nothing and spending all his time demanding all your attention like an 8 year old child.

Is Mr. Wonderful THAT incredibly busy at his coin-collecting meetings or his geology digs to actually do his *share* at HOME? It sounds to me like all he does all day - and all weekend for that matter - is PLAY.

Oh - I read the part in your post where you say he does "tasks" but makes sure to always ask for YOUR help doing them. So not only is he *not* willing to pull his weight, but he's manipulative to boot. This is one of the oldest tricks in the book - if he consistently sucks at every task he does and 'needs' your help to do them right, then that insures you'll never make him completely responsible for doing anything on his own and that you won't expect anything from him. See how that works? He's basically *useless*.

*You're *part of the problem if you're spending your entire weekend indulging him in playtime to the detriment of your own health. What is *so* wonderful about him that you've made it your life's goal to constantly please him every single minute of the day, no matter how sick you are? 



> I want to have an equal marriage where neither feels neglected or resentful.


The ONLY one being neglected is you!! You're a giver and he's a *taker*. He's like a parasite, only too happy to suck you dry while he takes, takes, takes and gives ZERO in return. And you're so busy catering to him 24/7 that you don't even REALIZE how imbalanced the scales actually are.

For the life of me, I can't figure out *what* this man-child actually contributes to your marriage and your life - other than a whole lot of work, frustration, headaches, and MORE work for you. If I'm being brutally honest, it really just sounds like he got married to have someone take care of him - a lot of older men do that. They need a mommy and BOY does this one need a mommy.

This post was intentionally harsh to wake you up! You need to start catering to yourself and stop pandering to this fool who just continually sucks you dry. Make yourself #1 for a HUGE change!!!


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## Livvie

Yeah, it's hard when the man is retired and the woman is not, and working full time. I've seen it work when the man steps up and assumes the role of the stay at home person and takes care of most of the home stuff so when his wife comes home from work dinner is ready... the shopping is done during the day while she is at work....etc. So on the evenings and weekends the couple can relax and have fun together. 

Your situation needs some serious changes. Your husband may or may not be someone who will work together with you on your life schedule.


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## Tilted 1

I agree with SSG,
QUOTE: You're part of the problem if you're spending your entire weekend indulging him in playtime to the detriment of your own health. What is so wonderful about him that you've made it your life's goal to constantly please him every single minute of the day, no matter how sick you are. End quote.

You must be strong enough to lay some boundaries in place. But l also agree with SSG, and don't think you got enough mental strength. To stop you H to tell him anything. You must be the one unless you only came here to vent. Are you going to be a person of action or a floor mat?


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## Marduk

All I'm hearing is that you're ill enough to be confined to a wheelchair and exhausted, and your husband is mad about that.

Sounds like he needs therapy to deal with his frustration, and my advice to you would be to tell him to do so if he needs, but in no uncertain terms he is to back the hell off.


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## Affaircare

EmcBoc said:


> I am newly married (within a year), I work a full time job and have two teenage boys at home. I am a very laid back person of low energy. My husband is retired with no children and has energy to spare - Hyper. I enjoy his energy and it is one of the things that attracts me to him. However, this means he does not understand my lack of energy.


 @EmcBoc,

I am newly married (within the year) too, and we both work full time but are coming up on that age where we are considering when and how to retire...so not 'youngsters' but maybe a few years behind you and your new hubby. Being newly married definitely is a time of adjustment and learning each other. Thankfully my Beloved and I are extremely compatible, but even if two people are a bit different, they can still learn about the other and learn preferences, and they can still CHOOSE to stay on the same team and be respectful to one another. 



> I am in the midst of being diagnosed with some sort of autoimmune disorder that had me in a wheelchair a few weeks back as well as having sleep apnea and a job that honestly doesn't suit me. Honestly, by 5pm I am intellectually drained, go home and make dinner and by 7pm ready to crash in front of the couch. Only to get up at 7:30am to be at work at 8am the next day and do it all over again. My husband is up at 6am and ready to go with whatever project he has going, comes home at 1pm for lunch and a nap, 3pm out the door again till 8pm, watches some TV with me and then catches about an hour of sleep then up till 3am doing laundry or something in the house or paperwork. He gets frustrated that I don't have the energy or the wherewith all to do more than I do. He will ask me to things that will *make me have a meltdown.*


See the part I underlined? That is going to be significant both in you understanding yourself and your hubby understanding his wife. Right now you may not "have a name for it" but once you are diagnosed, it may be helpful if the both of you research together and learn together exactly what your autoimmune disorder entails. I also have an autoimmune disorder--Rheumatoid Arthritis--which results in fatigue, fever, and inflammation, painful joints, Sjogren's syndrome (dry eyes and mouth), hypothyroidism, low heart rate and low blood pressure (adrenal fatigue). Long story short, I also feel like I am not "highly energetic" throughout the whole day, but rather "humming along happily at a low rate for most of the day."

In my instance, my Beloved is kind of a dynamo. I can sometimes really relate to how you feel, in that I am not a bundle of energy and often worry if my Beloved feels like I hold him back or am not presenting passionately enough because I'm not feeling great. So what I have done, that I also recommend to you is that I do, are two things: a) I challenge myself to push as much as I can to be energetic and even when I don't feel like it, get up and move and do (as much as is reasonable), and b) I share openly and freely how I feel (physically), what symptoms I'm experiencing, how I plan to address them, etc. On the one hand, I make sure he is aware that I will do absolutely EVERYTHING that I possibly can...and on the other hand, I make sure he is aware that when I do feel a symptom, I'm going to do something to improve my health and do what has to be done "to take care of myself" and feel better!

Do you see the part I bolded? What do you mean it "... makes me have a meltdown"? Are you saying that he asks you to do something, you are already tired or unenergetic, and you get upset, have an emotional eruption, and can't control yourself? Do you snap and lash out? Or do you panic and run away and put walls up and pout? What do you mean? 

I ask this because we are adults, and as adults we are personally responsible for the choices we make. I get it--this is frustrating. You constantly feel fatigued and pressed, he constantly feels alone and rejected. But I want to caution you that even if he does become frustrated, that does not MAKE you have a meltdown. You choose to meltdown. You could choose to "see where he's coming from" or have compassion for how he might feel. You could choose to take a deep breath and explain it to him AGAIN...patiently. You could choose a bunch of things! But melting down is a choice YOU make and you are responsible for the damage done if melting down is an emotional eruption. Now, it's "understandable" how you got there!! But be a big girl and take responsibility for the choices you make. 



> Before we were married I refused to do anything on Saturdays that was not restorative in nature just so I could get through the week. Now he has me working projects all weekend that continue to drain me. In fact Monday I took a sick day because I was too drained to leave the bedroom. I'm in the process of addressing my health, a big factor I am sure, but that takes time and adds to the stress levels as I am learning my new issues and how it affects me and treatment has yet to be ascertained. ... Here I am feeling like a heel that he outperforms me in tasks and silently resenting that he asks for my help in most things. I have explained my burnout and fatigue to him and he says very understanding and supportive things but then his actions seem to not understand the depth of my fatigue, physically and mentally. I want to help him but it only makes me more burned out.


So one thing I've learned is that sometimes just "explaining" may be factual and may sound kind of negative, but it doesn't actually lay right out there "Here's what I would like to request that would be OKAY WITH ME." See...right now essentially what you're saying is that all this late night and weekend energetic stuff is "not okay with you." It's harming you, and is not aligned with your internal values. Okay...so don't just explain and complain...actually end with "So here's what I would like to request. Are you willing to _____?" The idea is that you offer up the solution!! 

For me... I love to putter on weekends. But my definition of puttering is work 1 1/2 hours...rest 1/2 hour...work 1 1/2 hours...rest 1/2 hour. Beloved's definition of puttering is "Lift the heavy tool and just push on through until it's done, even if it takes HOURS!" ARGH I just can't do that! So we work out an agreement. He presents the puttering he'd like to do. I present the puttering I'd like to do. We discuss who needs help with their project. Sometimes he just does what he wants and I just do what I want. Sometimes I move slowly at mine, he starts his, I jump in part-way through and help him...then rest while he finishes. Sometimes I start mine, he does his completely, and then he jumps in part-way and helps me! The idea is that we both work at different speeds and in different ways, but we each use our own strengths and help each other freely, but also acknowledge the differences! So come right out and ask for what you need and ask if he'd be willing to do that. It's a request, so he has the right to say "No" (otherwise it's a demand)...and yet if he does say "No" find out what he IS willing to do. 



> I'm not sure how to keep up with him without having a complete nervous breakdown but then again not feel lazy/guilty that I can't help more. I want to have an equal marriage where neither feels neglected or resentful. I would be grateful for any advice on what I can do.


So as much as this is partly on your hubby to understand your illness better and work WITH you rather than AGAINST you...there is also a component of this that is partly on you. The fact that you feel lazy and guilty is not his responsibility. He's not accountable for your emotions--you are. So one thing you can do that will help is to get to know yourself and find out why you feel lazy if you have limits due to health. Have you had a relative who used their health as a way to take advantage of family? Have you been called lazy? Is your self-worth low because you are comparing your "energy" to someone else? Or do you feel less "worthy" because you're sick? Have you somehow linked "If I do all the things I'm supposed to...I'll feel loved"--where you link an expectation to a feeling? Are you feeling lower rank because you are competing in the marriage? 

If you answer these questions and discover that "Oh I have been putting an unrealistic expectation on myself" you can relieve some of your own pain by learning what IS and IS NOT a healthy expectation for someone in your physical condition (for example). If you discover your self-worth is low, you can work on reminding yourself that you are a precious treasure, valuable beyond measure, because you are a deep, slow-burning ember rather than a flash-in-the-pan firecracker. See what I mean?


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## EmcBoc

I am 42 and he is 69


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## EmcBoc

Oh yeah, he is completely ADHD. He takes Adderall for it.


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## EmcBoc

Mr.Married said:


> Do your joints hurt and feel like they are swollen ? Do you have IBS or symptoms of ? Do you find that you like eating ice ?


Yes my joints hurt and get hot and swollen. I also get extremely weak and Erythema Nodosum nodules on my legs. It is something that comes and goes. Not an everyday chronic illness. I am okay now, just occasionally feel like I worked out too hard the day before. It's new and still learning what sets it off and what I can do about it. No ice cravings, though. Ice cream cravings while taking the steroids are extremely high


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## EmcBoc

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So *you* work all day - and he's retired with all this energy "to spare" - yet he's incapable of having dinner ready for you when you get home from work? Let me guess - he can't make toast or boil water therefore, it's just 'best' that YOU do it, is that it?
> 
> So Peter Pan has all day to play at all his little hobbies, yet he can't even take the damned initiative to do anything to make YOUR life a little better? I guess it never occurred to this selfish little man that you're not his mommy and that he should be contributing *productively* to his own household with just a little effort on his part? For instance, maybe he could drop his ice sculpting class or his origami lessons and take a cooking course instead, and learn how to cook basic meals. Then, he could actually do something of VALUE at home, rather than doing nothing and spending all his time demanding all your attention like an 8 year old child.
> 
> Is Mr. Wonderful THAT incredibly busy at his coin-collecting meetings or his geology digs to actually do his *share* at HOME? It sounds to me like all he does all day - and all weekend for that matter - is PLAY.
> 
> Oh - I read the part in your post where you say he does "tasks" but makes sure to always ask for YOUR help doing them. So not only is he *not* willing to pull his weight, but he's manipulative to boot. This is one of the oldest tricks in the book - if he consistently sucks at every task he does and 'needs' your help to do them right, then that insures you'll never make him completely responsible for doing anything on his own and that you won't expect anything from him. See how that works? He's basically *useless*.
> 
> *You're *part of the problem if you're spending your entire weekend indulging him in playtime to the detriment of your own health. What is *so* wonderful about him that you've made it your life's goal to constantly please him every single minute of the day, no matter how sick you are?
> 
> The ONLY one being neglected is you!! You're a giver and he's a *taker*. He's like a parasite, only too happy to suck you dry while he takes, takes, takes and gives ZERO in return. And you're so busy catering to him 24/7 that you don't even REALIZE how imbalanced the scales actually are.
> 
> For the life of me, I can't figure out *what* this man-child actually contributes to your marriage and your life - other than a whole lot of work, frustration, headaches, and MORE work for you. If I'm being brutally honest, it really just sounds like he got married to have someone take care of him - a lot of older men do that. They need a mommy and BOY does this one need a mommy.
> 
> This post was intentionally harsh to wake you up! You need to start catering to yourself and stop pandering to this fool who just continually sucks you dry. Make yourself #1 for a HUGE change!!!


Actually, he is spending 6-8 hours a day remodeling my old home to put on the market. Trust me it's a huge and exhausting job. Talking re-wiring, plumbing, new drywall, tiling - the works - so no he is not coin collecting or some other busy hobby. When he is not doing that he is taking me to Europe while he is head coach of a Men's lacrosse team. On days that I work from home, he is cooking me breakfast and lunch. He also does ALL the household chores including scrubbing the toilets. I think I can manage dinner.  If this wasn't the case the and he was just coin collecting I would not feel like there was such an inequality with what gets accomplished at home and who does what.


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## Mr.Married

EmcBoc said:


> Mr.Married said:
> 
> 
> 
> Do your joints hurt and feel like they are swollen ? Do you have IBS or symptoms of ? Do you find that you like eating ice ?
> 
> 
> 
> Yes my joints hurt and get hot and swollen. I also get extremely weak and Erythema Nodosum nodules on my legs. It is something that comes and goes. Not an everyday chronic illness. I am okay now, just occasionally feel like I worked out too hard the day before. It's new and still learning what sets it off and what I can do about it. No ice cravings, though. Ice cream cravings while taking the steroids are extremely high <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>
Click to expand...

My wife was having a bunch of joint pain and swelling. The doctors were slowing killing her with all the steroids. She decided one day to go see a functional medicine doctor..... she has not been on a single steroid since.

Just a thought. She was your age when she went....changed her world


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## Girl_power

EmcBoc said:


> Oh yeah, he is completely ADHD. He takes Adderall for it.




The adderal is giving him that extra energy. It’s an unfair advantage. Don’t feel guilty for not being able to keep up with him.


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## EmcBoc

Affaircare said:


> @EmcBoc,
> 
> 
> 
> Do you see the part I bolded? What do you mean it "... makes me have a meltdown"? Are you saying that he asks you to do something, you are already tired or unenergetic, and you get upset, have an emotional eruption, and can't control yourself? Do you snap and lash out? Or do you panic and run away and put walls up and pout? What do you mean?
> 
> .....
> 
> 
> So as much as this is partly on your hubby to understand your illness better and work WITH you rather than AGAINST you...there is also a component of this that is partly on you. The fact that you feel lazy and guilty is not his responsibility. He's not accountable for your emotions--you are. So one thing you can do that will help is to get to know yourself and find out why you feel lazy if you have limits due to health. Have you had a relative who used their health as a way to take advantage of family? Have you been called lazy? Is your self-worth low because you are comparing your "energy" to someone else? Or do you feel less "worthy" because you're sick? Have you somehow linked "If I do all the things I'm supposed to...I'll feel loved"--where you link an expectation to a feeling? Are you feeling lower rank because you are competing in the marriage?


By meltdown I mean beyond my normal exhaustion. I will shut down and stop talking and just go to bed or veg in front of TV. He then notices and leaves me alone. He will come up later and apologize for pushing me to that end. A lot of this is learning how to deal with each other. 

As far as how I feel about laziness and guilt - I have never been a person, even as a child, that I could sit while someone else is working. I cannot relax in a chair if you are up and vacuuming the carpets and washing dishes. Even if you tell me too. I find it uncomfortable. Even when I make my kids mow the lawn or do chores I need to be doing something. I would much rather get up and help you finish so we can sit together and talk or watch TV. For me to be comfortable and relax he would have to be working outside the house completely. I don't think it is a place of low self-esteem, just think I can hear my mother, "Don't just sit there, help your brother out". It was the way I was trained as a child. 

I appreciate your advice on how to discuss what to expect of each other. I will have to implement that. I think being new in this marriage and dealing with a new and unknown health issue, I can't spend the honeymoon portion bending over backwards to try and please him like when I got married at 20 and perfectly healthy. He is trying to please me too with all that he is doing in our new home and my old home. I wish it weren't such necessary projects that needed to be completed otherwise, I wouldn't be as concerned


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## EmcBoc

Affaircare said:


> @EmcBoc,
> 
> I am newly married (within the year) too, and we both work full time but are coming up on that age where we are considering when and how to retire...so not 'youngsters' but maybe a few years behind you and your new hubby. Being newly married definitely is a time of adjustment and learning each other. Thankfully my Beloved and I are extremely compatible, but even if two people are a bit different, they can still learn about the other and learn preferences, and they can still CHOOSE to stay on the same team and be respectful to one another.
> 
> 
> 
> See the part I underlined? That is going to be significant both in you understanding yourself and your hubby understanding his wife. Right now you may not "have a name for it" but once you are diagnosed, it may be helpful if the both of you research together and learn together exactly what your autoimmune disorder entails. I also have an autoimmune disorder--Rheumatoid Arthritis--which results in fatigue, fever, and inflammation, painful joints, Sjogren's syndrome (dry eyes and mouth), hypothyroidism, low heart rate and low blood pressure (adrenal fatigue). Long story short, I also feel like I am not "highly energetic" throughout the whole day, but rather "humming along happily at a low rate for most of the day."
> 
> In my instance, my Beloved is kind of a dynamo. I can sometimes really relate to how you feel, in that I am not a bundle of energy and often worry if my Beloved feels like I hold him back or am not presenting passionately enough because I'm not feeling great. So what I have done, that I also recommend to you is that I do, are two things: a) I challenge myself to push as much as I can to be energetic and even when I don't feel like it, get up and move and do (as much as is reasonable), and b) I share openly and freely how I feel (physically), what symptoms I'm experiencing, how I plan to address them, etc. On the one hand, I make sure he is aware that I will do absolutely EVERYTHING that I possibly can...and on the other hand, I make sure he is aware that when I do feel a symptom, I'm going to do something to improve my health and do what has to be done "to take care of myself" and feel better!
> 
> Do you see the part I bolded? What do you mean it "... makes me have a meltdown"? Are you saying that he asks you to do something, you are already tired or unenergetic, and you get upset, have an emotional eruption, and can't control yourself? Do you snap and lash out? Or do you panic and run away and put walls up and pout? What do you mean?
> 
> I ask this because we are adults, and as adults we are personally responsible for the choices we make. I get it--this is frustrating. You constantly feel fatigued and pressed, he constantly feels alone and rejected. But I want to caution you that even if he does become frustrated, that does not MAKE you have a meltdown. You choose to meltdown. You could choose to "see where he's coming from" or have compassion for how he might feel. You could choose to take a deep breath and explain it to him AGAIN...patiently. You could choose a bunch of things! But melting down is a choice YOU make and you are responsible for the damage done if melting down is an emotional eruption. Now, it's "understandable" how you got there!! But be a big girl and take responsibility for the choices you make.
> 
> 
> 
> So one thing I've learned is that sometimes just "explaining" may be factual and may sound kind of negative, but it doesn't actually lay right out there "Here's what I would like to request that would be OKAY WITH ME." See...right now essentially what you're saying is that all this late night and weekend energetic stuff is "not okay with you." It's harming you, and is not aligned with your internal values. Okay...so don't just explain and complain...actually end with "So here's what I would like to request. Are you willing to _____?" The idea is that you offer up the solution!!
> 
> For me... I love to putter on weekends. But my definition of puttering is work 1 1/2 hours...rest 1/2 hour...work 1 1/2 hours...rest 1/2 hour. Beloved's definition of puttering is "Lift the heavy tool and just push on through until it's done, even if it takes HOURS!" ARGH I just can't do that! So we work out an agreement. He presents the puttering he'd like to do. I present the puttering I'd like to do. We discuss who needs help with their project. Sometimes he just does what he wants and I just do what I want. Sometimes I move slowly at mine, he starts his, I jump in part-way through and help him...then rest while he finishes. Sometimes I start mine, he does his completely, and then he jumps in part-way and helps me! The idea is that we both work at different speeds and in different ways, but we each use our own strengths and help each other freely, but also acknowledge the differences! So come right out and ask for what you need and ask if he'd be willing to do that. It's a request, so he has the right to say "No" (otherwise it's a demand)...and yet if he does say "No" find out what he IS willing to do.
> 
> 
> 
> So as much as this is partly on your hubby to understand your illness better and work WITH you rather than AGAINST you...there is also a component of this that is partly on you. The fact that you feel lazy and guilty is not his responsibility. He's not accountable for your emotions--you are. So one thing you can do that will help is to get to know yourself and find out why you feel lazy if you have limits due to health. Have you had a relative who used their health as a way to take advantage of family? Have you been called lazy? Is your self-worth low because you are comparing your "energy" to someone else? Or do you feel less "worthy" because you're sick? Have you somehow linked "If I do all the things I'm supposed to...I'll feel loved"--where you link an expectation to a feeling? Are you feeling lower rank because you are competing in the marriage?
> 
> If you answer these questions and discover that "Oh I have been putting an unrealistic expectation on myself" you can relieve some of your own pain by learning what IS and IS NOT a healthy expectation for someone in your physical condition (for example). If you discover your self-worth is low, you can work on reminding yourself that you are a precious treasure, valuable beyond measure, because you are a deep, slow-burning ember rather than a flash-in-the-pan firecracker. See what I mean?





Mr.Married said:


> My wife was having a bunch of joint pain and swelling. The doctors were slowing killing her with all the steroids. She decided one day to go see a functional medicine doctor..... she has not been on a single steroid since.
> 
> Just a thought. She was your age when she went....changed her world


I am heading to that route. It's just trying to figure what is going on first. I have been on one round of steroids just to get back on my feet. I just ordered blood tests and paid out of pocket testing for things that my doctor thought I was silly to ask for. I ordered on my own. I'm a middle of the road person in the field of health care, wetern dr's are too western and homeopathic is too snake oil for me. What I want is a functional dr that understands that Meds are sometimes necessary but that exercise and food play a role as well. To this point I have been healthy so a western dr can do my annual physical so I get my discount on my health insurance. I'm still in research phase of this while health mess. It's just a lot of new in a short period of time, new house, new husband, new illness, a little overwhelming at times. How did your wife find her functional Dr? How much can he do for her? Can he prescribe medication if necessary? Cleveland clinic is starting to get into it but the appointments are highly restricted to location and times. It's unreasonable. Unfortunate since my insurance would actually cover Cleveland Clinic.


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## Mr.Married

Your hitting the nail right on the head. The functional medicine doctor is a middle road doctor. She did the blood test you did but it covered a lot more than the usual. She also did food testing in reaction to the blood samples. Yes she can prescribe medicine but they will more likely try to give your body the nutrition it needs or is missing that gives your body the ability to fix those problems on its own ...... and that is the key to functional medicine.


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## Mr.Married

Get an ablation. Just the difference in iron levels will give you more energy.


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## Girl_power

Do you have any other medical conditions? Are you overweight? Do you eat well? Exercise? Sleep well?


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## Ursula

How many hours of sleep do you each get per day? Some people need more than others, and some people can run on bare minimum. My guess is that you’re not getting enough, and compound that with the fact that you’re not well, isn’t a good combination. To me, it sounds like even though you’re lower on energy, you still push yourself past the limits of what you can do. That’s admirable in a way, but not a healthy way to live.

My first thought is this: could your H possibly be on the spectrum? It’s hard to get your point across to someone who either doesn’t or isn’t willing to try to understand (my former H was like this too). Also bear in mind that YOU’RE the one who works, while he has all day to putz around doing what he wants to do, including taking an afternoon nap. If he’s the one at home, I would think it would be prudent of him to do things like cooking, cleaning, any household projects. Why does he wait for you to help him with these things when you’re the one working all day, everyday?

If I were you, I would sit him down and explain to him kindly but firmly that you and he are different people with different energy levels that allow you to each do different amounts of activities. Tell him that in order to recharge to be able to function during the week, you need a day on the weekend to just relax. Ask him to please respect that. It sounds like he’s trying to run you into the ground, and if you keep up this pace, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Health is really important; take care of you. If he’s not willing to at least try to understand and give you what you need to function, then you may want to think twice about being married to him.

As I read further into your posts, i see that there’s a 27 year different between you guys. I’m 41; my Dad is 71, so that’s similar. Have you also considered the fact that he may see you as more of a “child” of his than an equal partner, and he’s trying to push you to obey him?


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## MattMatt

Girl_power said:


> Do you have any other medical conditions? Are you overweight? Do you eat well? Exercise? Sleep well?


Nearly everyone on steroids long term is overweight.

Doctors insist on stuffing people full of steroids, even though as long ago as 1964 the BPC (British Pharmaceutical Codex) was warning Doctors *not* to prescribe steroids on a long term basis.

55 years ago the BPC (which is the official book all British doctors use for drug information, prescription guidance, drug toxicity, warnings, etc) warned doctors about over prescription of steroids. But they still ignore this.


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