# Question for you....



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

I have a close friend who is currently mad at me because of a discussion we had at our Christmas party. He was telling me that his wife has friend a work (male) that she works with who she jokingly calls her "work husband". Anyway, they apparently bring things in for each other (cookies, pie, etc) and things like that. I told him that he needs to be very careful and pay attention to what's going on because of course that is somewhat how it started with my XW and her affair.
He got very upset and said that I was just projecting. I told him that I didn't say that his wife WAS cheating just that he should keep an eye on it.
AITA for mentioning it?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

No


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The fact that he would mention this in conversation tells me that it’s praying on his mind. He was looking for reassurance from you but he picked the wrong man to confide in.
You’ve told him what you think, now it’s up to him.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> The fact that he would mention this in conversation tells me that it’s praying on his mind. He was looking for reassurance from you but he picked the wrong man to confide in.
> You’ve told him what you think, now it’s up to him.


I think you are right. My thinking is he had that reaction because he has already thought that it could be possible.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

No, not the AH. And it sounds to me like you put it exactly right...”eyes open”.

The good thing is that now he _is_ watching, whether he’s mad at you or not.

If he’s a good friend, he will calm down.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> No, not the AH. And it sounds to me like you put it exactly right...”eyes open”.
> 
> The good thing is that now he _is_ watching, whether he’s mad at you or not.
> 
> If he’s a good friend, he will calm down.


Real friends tell you the uncomfortable truth. I hope he comes to realize that.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> AITA for mentioning it?


No. You are advising him from your own personal experience. His wife referring to the guy as her “work husband” is already over the line IMO. She already cultivating an emotional relationship with another male. Bringing and receiving gifts. Your friend needs to be having a frank discussion with her about boundaries.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

He should be grateful to have you as a friend. True friends try to look out for their friends not just tell them what they want to hear. The “work wife/husband” thing to me is so cringe. 🤦‍♀️


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> No. You are advising him from your own personal experience. His wife referring to the guy as her “work husband” is already over the line IMO. She already cultivating an emotional relationship with another male. Bringing and receiving gifts. Your friend needs to be having a frank discussion with her about boundaries.


That is what I told him but he took it as though I was accusing her of having an affair.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

*Deidre* said:


> He should be grateful to have you as a friend. True friends try to look out for their friends not just tell them what they want to hear. The “work wife/husband” thing to me is so cringe. 🤦‍♀️


I never understood it either.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is popularly said, that the 'Truth hurts'.

And it often does, maybe.. should hurt. We learn from pain, that touching the flame 🔥 that flickers out the truth.

It is also, often said, 'That the truth shall set you free'.

And it does.

Not without that pain of knowing, maybe, the pound of flesh that is torn from your guts.

You did the proper thing in giving him your opinion. Anything less, would be remiss.

His missus, likely smitten with that COW.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

I worked one on one with a guy for the past month. My hubby would refer to him as "my boyfriend". I had to ask him to stop because to me it's disrespectful to him as my hubby to even joke like that. I could never, even jokingly, share my husbands title with another man. No, you weren't wrong.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Numb26 said:


> I have a close friend who is currently mad at me because of a discussion we had at our Christmas party. He was telling me that his wife has friend a work (male) that she works with who she jokingly calls her "work husband". Anyway, they apparently bring things in for each other (cookies, pie, etc) and things like that. I told him that he needs to be very careful and pay attention to what's going on because of course that is somewhat how it started with my XW and her affair.
> He got very upset and said that I was just projecting. I told him that I didn't say that his wife WAS cheating just that he should keep an eye on it.
> AITA for mentioning it?


You advised appropriately.

Accusing you of ''projecting'' is just a defence mechanism your friend has for protecting himself from that gnarling gut feeling deep in his belly.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

OnTheFly said:


> You advised appropriately.
> 
> Accusing you of ''projecting'' is just a defence mechanism your friend has for protecting himself from that gnarling gut feeling deep in his belly.


That was my thinking too


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Jimmysgirl said:


> I worked one on one with a guy for the past month. My hubby would refer to him as "my boyfriend". I had to ask him to stop because to me it's disrespectful to him as my hubby to even joke like that. I could never, even jokingly, share my husbands title with another man. No, you weren't wrong.


Makes no sense to me why people do this.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You did the right thing. It was just painful for him to hear.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Not the asshole.

Just remember that on average most people in this world do not like to be told the truth. This is one of the reasons politicians master the arts of deceit to tell the people what they want to hear.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jimmysgirl said:


> I worked one on one with a guy for the past month. My hubby would refer to him as "my boyfriend". I had to ask him to stop because to me it's disrespectful to him as my hubby to even joke like that. I could never, even jokingly, share my husbands title with another man. No, you weren't wrong.


He subconsciously said this because, it is what he feared, and a 'heads up' to what he feared, might occur.

Again:
A (not so) subliminal warning, said in jest, meant as a warning.

Note:
Your response to him saying this, was intently heard and worriedly interpreted.

Um, yes.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I love to bake. Often too many cookies. So if I brought them to a male coworker it would be because they’re extra and zero intent behind it. If cookies is all there is I wouldn’t freak out. If there’s more to it that’s a different situation.


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## heather42 (1 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> He should be grateful to have you as a friend. True friends try to look out for their friends not just tell them what they want to hear. The “work wife/husband” thing to me is so cringe. 🤦‍♀️


I have a theory about this. Women who call office friends "work husbands" are somewhat angry that their spouse cannot financially provide for them and since they must go out into the work force they feel entitled to a 2nd husband.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My exH’s affairs (at least the ones I know about) were with women who reported to him. They started out as professional relationships but changed over time to friendship and then beyond. So, no, you weren’t wrong. He should be glad he has a friend like you. He’s mad because of the light that’s now shining on his darkest fears.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

My theory is they think the term allows them to legitimize questionable behavior and try to normalize a second relationship. Bad idea.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

snowbum said:


> I love to bake. Often too many cookies. So if I brought them to a male coworker it would be because they’re extra and zero intent behind it. If cookies is all there is I wouldn’t freak out. If there’s more to it that’s a different situation.


I think this would be acceptable behavior. But not if it was for a guy you've been referring to as your work husband. That whole dynamic is wrong IMO and it was right for @Numb26 to say what he said.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

Youre saying that my response to my hubby was wrong? I genuinely want to know as i am not always the best communicator. I have absolutely no interest in the guy I worked with and take my husband's role in my life very seriously. I am now finished working with that guy but will have the option of doing so again next year so I'm very curious to know your thoughts. 



SunCMars said:


> He subconsciously said this because, it is what he feared, and a 'heads up' to what he feared, might occur.
> 
> Again:
> A (not so) subliminal warning, said in jest, meant as a warning.
> ...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

snowbum said:


> I love to bake. Often too many cookies. So if I brought them to a male coworker it would be because they’re extra and zero intent behind it. If cookies is all there is I wouldn’t freak out. If there’s more to it that’s a different situation.


Your intentions would be well intentioned. 

The coworker would enjoy the thought, the cookies, maybe, dreaming of your cookie. 

Men do this.

Give the cookies to a group, never to just one, Peter.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jimmysgirl said:


> Youre saying that my response to my hubby was wrong? I genuinely want to know as i am not always the best communicator. I have absolutely no interest in the guy I worked with and take my husband's role in my life very seriously. I am now finished working with that guy but will have the option of doing so again next year so I'm very curious to know your thoughts.


Know, your husband cares and worries. 

He loves you.

Give him no reason to doubt. 

If he does, this irrational doubting, hold and kiss him. Soothe away his fears.

I doubt he will show his weak side.
Most men are loathe to do that.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

heather42 said:


> I have a theory about this. Women who call office friends "work husbands" are somewhat angry that their spouse cannot financially provide for them and since they must go out into the work force they feel entitled to a 2nd husband.


I think it’s just a way to hide that they’re attracted to their coworker. Men call women this (“work wives”) too so it goes both ways. Whatever the reasons, it’s cringe.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

I don't think the definition of business wife/husband is a compliment or a joke

it feels like mocking and humiliating your partner

your friend needs to research before telling his wife


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

No, you were right to show concern. His wife is probably innocent in all this. Yet it can go south quickly. In my purview, anything that removes from a primary relationship is wrong. So attention given in choosing gifts or home made cookies for work mates, takes attention from the family. We should never divide our lives like this. Always focus effort on home. Work is work. A means to an end. We should not emotionally invest with others at work beyond simple work friendships. I've worked beside and continously with men or women for years, never occurred to me to have a "work" wife. Im not there to be friends and lovers, im there to do a job. If we get on well, more the better, but I'm not loosing sleep over my work mates.
Your friend is fortunate to have a friend helping look out for his life and giving the right answers, not what he wants to hear.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

heather42 said:


> I have a theory about this. Women who call office friends "work husbands" are somewhat angry that their spouse cannot financially provide for them and since they must go out into the work force they feel entitled to a 2nd husband.


You have an interesting theory, but I don't think that is why they do it. If this were true, how do you explain the other side of the equation, the guy calling her his work wife? I think it is simply a case of liking the coworker as a friend and colleague, then becoming too friendly. They have an emotional attachment of some sort. No one other than your spouse should have the title husband or wife, regardless of what word you preface it with. But honestly, I think using that term is a sign that the work relationship has been carried way to far into personal territory. It is only a matter of time before things turn romantic.

Throwing the term around freely in front of other including your real spouse is just an attempt a deflecting the inappropriateness of the relationship.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

heather42 said:


> I have a theory about this. Women who call office friends "work husbands" are somewhat angry that their spouse cannot financially provide for them and since they must go out into the work force they feel entitled to a 2nd husband.


Here's a theory, maybe as a couple they should base their living expenses on one income? The more one makes the more gets spent. Lotta people want it all now. Not willing to wait it out.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think this would be acceptable behavior. But not if it was for a guy you've been referring to as your work husband. That whole dynamic is wrong IMO and it was right for @Numb26 to say what he said.


I don't know -- I think if you brought them in for A male coworker, it's not great. You should bring them in for ALL of your coworkers...


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Numb26 said:


> I never understood it either.


Has he met this other "work" husband? Maybe I'm an ahole, but this wouldn't work for me. I'd drop by the job casually and straighten old boy out real quick like. Regardless of what my wifes actions might be towards you, you're gonna deal with some real consequences from me, capiche
If my wife doesn't like what I did, then she should consider him to be her husband now. Only one rooster in the hen yard!


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

TinyTbone said:


> Has he met this other "work" husband? Maybe I'm an ahole, but this wouldn't work for me. I'd drop by the job casually and straighten old boy out real quick like. Regardless of what my wifes actions might be towards you, you're gonna deal with some real consequences from.me, capiche


I didn't think to ask but that is a good question!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TinyTbone said:


> Has he met this other "work" husband? Maybe I'm an ahole, but this wouldn't work for me. I'd drop by the job casually and straighten old boy out real quick like. Regardless of what my wifes actions might be towards you, you're gonna deal with some real consequences from.me, capiche


You aren't an ahole. I would expect any man that value their marriage would be highly concerned with another man holding the title of husband. That mean's them and others around them see that they have formed a very close bond, one that I feel should be reserved for your real husband, not a potential AP.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Numb26 said:


> That is what I told him but he took it as though I was accusing her of having an affair.


You might as well accuse her, she is. She’s clearly got an emotional connection to the guy and of theyre bringing gifts for one another, that’s wayyyyyyyy inappropriate.

If he’s wanting to ignore this, it’s on him. You were correct in letting him know your thoughts, and if he was defensive and doesn’t have enough brains to see that you were only looking out for him by telling him what you thought, then he’s not that good of a friend.
My best friend tells me crap I do t like to hear all the time, and I tell him when warranted too.
That’s how friends do things.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

How close is the close friend? Very close? In that case I would mention it. Otherwise, none of my business, really.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> You might as well accuse her, she is. She’s clearly got an emotional connection to the guy and of theyre bringing gifts for one another, that’s wayyyyyyyy inappropriate.
> 
> If he’s wanting to ignore this, it’s on him. You were correct in letting him know your thoughts, and if he was defensive and doesn’t have enough brains to see that you were only looking out for him by telling him what you thought, then he’s not that good of a friend.
> My best friend tells me crap I do t like to hear all the time, and I tell him when warranted too.
> That’s how friends do things.


That's how you can tell who you true friends are, they are brutally honest.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> How close is the close friend? Very close? In that case I would mention it. Otherwise, none of my business, really.


Known each other since college. About 25 years.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> Known each other since college. About 25 years.


You definitely did the right thing and it sounds like you put it the right way too. I think your job is done at this point unless he opens the topic back up. Otherwise, I wouldn't mention it again.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You definitely did the right thing and it sounds like you put it the right way too. I think your job is done at this point unless he opens the topic back up. Otherwise, I wouldn't mention it again.


No going too. Not my circus, already lived through mine.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

snowbum said:


> I love to bake. Often too many cookies. So if I brought them to a male coworker it would be because they’re extra and zero intent behind it. If cookies is all there is I wouldn’t freak out. If there’s more to it that’s a different situation.


The correct transfer procedure is give cookies to your husband to take to work.

I bring in cookies and say, “MY WIFE MADE THESE” and they’re good so they get eaten. But let’s say they’re not. They get eaten anyway because if not I would ask people individually if they tried them and then if not they need to try in front of me and tell me how good they are.

The cookie power play. (Was only half joking).


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BTW if my wife ever used the phrase “work husband” I would tell her to stop because she has a real one she doesn’t need a fake one. So your advice is on point and your friend sounds kind of sensitive.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> BTW if my wife ever used the phrase “work husband” I would tell her to stop because she has a real one she doesn’t need a fake one. So your advice is on point and your friend sounds kind of sensitive.


I think he knows deep down that the situation is questionable and was expecting me to reassure him that is wasn't.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> I think he knows deep down that the situation is questionable and was expecting me to reassure him that is wasn't.


Haha he should experience how that kind of talk goes down in the gym. Your version was probably very nice and sanitized.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> Haha he should experience how that kind of talk goes down in the gym. Your version was probably very nice and sanitized.


Very sanitized because the old anger about what happened to me flaired up. I really had to reign myself in. If we hadn't been in a house with a lot of people things might have gone different.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Some men look for allies or reassurance that it’s nothing. I would never disrespect my spouse by referring to another man as a ‘work’ husband. You’re not wrong in the least and should there be any riff in their marriage it would be so easy for his wife to run to a man like that which is exactly the opposite of what she should do. (Unfortunately from experience)

But he also need to just keep his eyes open and as a man be grateful for having the type of man you are as a friend. Friends say the hard and uncomfortable things.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

One spouse is more than enough, anybody wanting more than that is nucking futs, even if it is just a fake one.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Numb26 said:


> Real friends tell you the uncomfortable truth. I hope he comes to realize that.


Yep, you did what you can, and now it's up to him to decide what to do moving forward. It it was me I wouldn't mention it again, but will be there for him if he comes to me with more questions, to vent, or to ask for help in the future. You did a good thing.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> You might as well accuse her, she is. She’s clearly got an emotional connection to the guy and of theyre bringing gifts for one another, that’s wayyyyyyyy inappropriate.
> 
> If he’s wanting to ignore this, it’s on him. You were correct in letting him know your thoughts, and if he was defensive and doesn’t have enough brains to see that you were only looking out for him by telling him what you thought, then he’s not that good of a friend.
> My best friend tells me crap I do t like to hear all the time, and I tell him when warranted too.
> That’s how friends do things.


He needs to nip it now, not when he's sat passively by.letting another fill his role.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

heather42 said:


> I have a theory about this. Women who call office friends "work husbands" are somewhat angry that their spouse cannot financially provide for them and since they must go out into the work force they feel entitled to a 2nd husband.


I don't think this is always true. Many years ago worked in a call center where this whole "office spouse" thing happened with one group of coworkers who were friends... Of course I'll never know for sure, but I do believe this was innocent and nothing more was going on than them calling each other this when the other would do something that reminded them of their spouse (like nagging them, or helping move something heavy, whatever).


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

You da man! Did what anyfriend would and should do. Nope not an ahole at all.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Exit37 said:


> I don't think this is always true. Many years ago worked in a call center where this whole "office spouse" thing happened with one group of coworkers who were friends... Of course I'll never know for sure, but I do believe this was innocent and nothing more was going on than them calling each other this when the other would do something that reminded them of their spouse (like nagging them, or helping move something heavy, whatever).


Yes, but did you knowingly talk to your wife saying work spouse?


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

TinyTbone said:


> Yes, but did you knowingly talk to your wife saying work spouse?


Nope, but I was there to work, not participate in what I considered to be childish behavior.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Only time you need to say anything else is.if you see her out socially with another man, especially acting inappropriately for a married woman.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> I have a close friend who is currently mad at me because of a discussion we had at our Christmas party. He was telling me that his wife has friend a work (male) that she works with who she jokingly calls her "work husband". Anyway, they apparently bring things in for each other (cookies, pie, etc) and things like that. I told him that he needs to be very careful and pay attention to what's going on because of course that is somewhat how it started with my XW and her affair.
> He got very upset and said that I was just projecting. I told him that I didn't say that his wife WAS cheating just that he should keep an eye on it.
> AITA for mentioning it?


It sounds like your advice was coming from a place of experience and also wasn't alarmist or accusatory. I think what you said was fine.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Openminded said:


> My exH’s affairs (at least the ones I know about) were with women who reported to him.


That was the case with several managers were I worked. The "new hires"were "broken in" soon after they started. Often in the managers office with the door locked. I have personally heard what was going on while walking down the hallway. There was one female manager who was breaking in the new young males as well. Of course that was decades ago, before that sort of thing was banned by the company because they got tired of dealing with harassment lawsuits The female manager mentioned was fired shortly before I retired after 22 years service.

Your ExH today would have lost his job very quickly in today's companies.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I don't know -- I think if you brought them in for A male coworker, it's not great. You should bring them in for ALL of your coworkers...


Goodies brought from home, left at the coffee center for all of the coworkers is great. Giving to One coworker is a gift.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> I think he knows deep down that the situation is questionable and was expecting me to reassure him that is wasn't.


He will be back seeking assurance and sympathy when things go south


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> He will be back seeking assurance and sympathy when things go south


I've been there, done that haven't I?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Numb26 said:


> I have a close friend who is currently mad at me because of a discussion we had at our Christmas party. He was telling me that his wife has friend a work (male) that she works with who she jokingly calls her "work husband". Anyway, they apparently bring things in for each other (cookies, pie, etc) and things like that. I told him that he needs to be very careful and pay attention to what's going on because of course that is somewhat how it started with my XW and her affair.
> He got very upset and said that I was just projecting. I told him that I didn't say that his wife WAS cheating just that he should keep an eye on it.
> AITA for mentioning it?


Nope truth is difficult at times.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Numb26 said:


> Very sanitized because the old anger about what happened to me flaired up. I really had to reign myself in. If we hadn't been in a house with a lot of people things might have gone different.





Numb26 said:


> I've been there, done that haven't I?


You did the right thing for your friend. You spoke from personal experience and pointed that out.

The think that no one has discussed is that in Chapman's 5 Languages of Love, the "giving of presents" is a significant Love Language. At the appropriate time, you might want to point that out to your friend that and that the giving of any present to an individual could have much deeper meaning than just cookies.

Sleep well knowing you did the right thing.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Numb26 said:


> _*He got very upset and said that I was just projecting. I told him that I didn't say that his wife WAS cheating just that he should keep an eye on it.*_
> *AITA for mentioning it?*



I don't think so at all. This is how they all start, isn't it? They get a little close, a little too familiar, they start bringing things in for each other and doing little favors for each other, etc. etc.

Isn't this how most workplace affairs start?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I don't think so at all. This is how they all start, isn't it? They get a little close, a little too familiar, they start bringing things in for each other and doing little favors for each other, etc. etc.
> 
> Isn't this how most workplace affairs start?


It's how my XW's started.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

I think you did the right thing, Numb. Friends that care enough to be brutally honest when it’s not easy, are the very best kind. It takes no effort to nod your head and agree with someone even when you know they’re heading for disaster. It takes a lot of effort and care to be real talk with someone whose first thought might be to kill the messenger.

He’ll thank you later.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

C.C. says ... said:


> I think you did the right thing, Numb. Friends that care enough to be brutally honest when it’s not easy, are the very best kind. It takes no effort to nod your head and agree with someone even when you know they’re heading for disaster. It takes a lot of effort and care to be real talk with someone whose first thought might be to kill the messenger.
> 
> He’ll thank you later.


I hope he doesn't have to thank me and that I'm wrong but probably not.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> I hope he doesn't have to thank me and that I'm wrong but probably not.


You’re probably not wrong. 😔


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Late to the party but I don't think you were wrong and agree you hit a nerve that's already aggravated.

I never liked this "work spouse" ********.....poor boundaries. I like baking and am really good at it and when I went into the office I'd bake for my coworkers...not one dude.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> Late to the party but I don't think you were wrong and agree you hit a nerve that's already aggravated.
> 
> I never liked this "work spouse" ******.....poor boundaries. I like baking and am really good at it and when I went into the office I'd bake for my coworkers...not one dude.


That was what I said!


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## Griswold (1 mo ago)

Numb - No you were not wrong. You were not sharing idle speculation; you were sharing hard earned personal experience. Your friend will get over this. As a counterpoint though, I've spent decades being either the lone male or one of a handful of males at jobs overwhelmingly filled and managed by women. I've been baked for, cookied, candied and gifted stuff a ton of times by my various work wives over the years. I have a current work wife, who my real wife follows on Instagram!  She brings me stuff she makes. My wife and I go on dates with her and her companion. You'll have to take my word that I've always behaved. No boundaries were ever crossed on either side. Miracles happen I guess.


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## heather42 (1 mo ago)

Exit37 said:


> I don't think this is always true. Many years ago worked in a call center where this whole "office spouse" thing happened with one group of coworkers who were friends... Of course I'll never know for sure, but I do believe this was innocent and nothing more was going on than them calling each other this when the other would do something that reminded them of their spouse (like nagging them, or helping move something heavy, whatever).


It depends I suppose. A group in a call center yelling funny stuff out so anyone can hear sounds harmless. But I'm skeptical about that stuff. I mean how much interaction does one need to have to qualify as "Work Spouse." Do they spend a lot of time together alone, talking? And she's bringing him food. I can't help but think of "The Office." When Jim met Pam she was engaged.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I think for people like your friend, advice is a waste of time. Their head is so buried in the sand, they refuse to ever think cheating is a possibility. Although there was nothing wrong with what you did, I wouldn’t waste one more second on this guy.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> I think for people like your friend, advice is a waste of time. Their head is so buried in the sand, they refuse to ever think cheating is a possibility. Although there was nothing wrong with what you did, I wouldn’t waste one more second on this guy.


Not going to abandon him but at this point he is going to have to go through it before he will understand.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> I have a close friend who is currently mad at me because of a discussion we had at our Christmas party. He was telling me that his wife has friend a work (male) that she works with who she jokingly calls her "work husband". Anyway, they apparently bring things in for each other (cookies, pie, etc) and things like that. I told him that he needs to be very careful and pay attention to what's going on because of course that is somewhat how it started with my XW and her affair.
> He got very upset and said that I was just projecting. I told him that I didn't say that his wife WAS cheating just that he should keep an eye on it.
> AITA for mentioning it?


No your aren't AITA for mentioning it. However, no one wishes to hear the truth.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> Not going to abandon him but at this point he is going to have to go through it before he will understand.


Was this friend there for you when you went through the nightmare your ex's adultery and the divorce?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

marko polo said:


> Was this friend there for you when you went through the nightmare your ex's adultery and the divorce?


Yes, he was the one who help me get my financials in order for the divorce and his wife helped with watching the kids when I was having some dark days. Loyalty is important to me and I want to be there to support him but I understand that something like this he has to come to me for that support.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> Yes, he was the one who help me get my financials in order for the divorce and his wife helped with watching the kids when I was having some dark days. Loyalty is important to me and I want to be there to support him but I understand that something like this he has to come to me for that support.


Glad to hear he wasn't a "fair weather" friend that disappeared as soon as the dark clouds of adultery and divorce appeared over your head.

Loyalty is very important and unfortunately rare. You are correct in choosing to back off. It may not save your friendship if things come to pass as you expect. Messengers usually pays a price for trying to do right and speak the truth. 

Regardless, I hope your friendship survives the disaster likely to unfold.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Numb26 said:


> I have a close friend who is currently mad at me because of a discussion we had at our Christmas party. He was telling me that his wife has friend a work (male) that she works with who she jokingly calls her "work husband". Anyway, they apparently bring things in for each other (cookies, pie, etc) and things like that. I told him that he needs to be very careful and pay attention to what's going on because of course that is somewhat how it started with my XW and her affair.
> He got very upset and said that I was just projecting. I told him that I didn't say that his wife WAS cheating just that he should keep an eye on it.
> AITA for mentioning it?


Sheep shouldn't stray where wild things dwell and moths shouldn't fly near flames.

Maybe he just needs to keep his head in the sand.

You did nothing wrong. He shouldn't pretend to be a man if he can't handle some sharpening.

P.S. I just read where he and his wife did you solid.

He deserves your best, unvarnished advice. I hope he does pay attention.

Unhealthy situations need rectified regardless of the character of those involved.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> Sheep shouldn't stray where wild things dwell and moths shouldn't fly near flames.
> 
> Maybe he just needs to keep his head in the sand.
> 
> ...


I will give it to him if he asks but I'm not going to push it.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Numb26 said:


> I will give it to him if he asks but I'm not going to push it.


Good and smart friend indeed!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

snowbum said:


> I love to bake. Often too many cookies. So if I brought them to a male coworker it would be because they’re extra and zero intent behind it. If cookies is all there is I wouldn’t freak out. If there’s more to it that’s a different situation.


So you would take them to one co-worker? If it was to put on break room table for all, I would not have issue with it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Numb26 said:


> Real friends tell you the uncomfortable truth. I hope he comes to realize that.


Wow, you are nice.

I would have just kept silent and laugh about it on TAM instead on the next opportunity 😅

I just don't want to contribute to the drama I guess 🤷‍♂️


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Numb26 said:


> I think you are right. My thinking is he had that reaction because he has already thought that it could be possible.


Bingo....he just doesn't want to be right....kill the messanger approach to life.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Well here is the other side of this, it is likely that everyone else at work has noticed how close these two are and also likely people think there is already something going on. I don't usually give a crap what other think, but when it comes to work, don't crap where you eat. Rumor mills can be brutal and they shouldn't be surprised if they get called into HR to find out what is going on. 

I've seen it lots of times when two people get to close at work. First its the cookies then they start discussing personal info. then it's how bad they have it at home and their spouse doesn't understand them. Then they are become each others emotional support. Next thing you know they "accidently" kiss and it's game on, full blown affair.


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