# My good bye letter to my ex-wife



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

I just felt like posting this, no reason in particular.

Dear A,

This has to be the hardest thing I've done in my life- writing this letter to you. I wanted to let you know I have never in my life loved someone as I have loved you. I doubt that I ever will again. But I suppose that is the thing about love. There are many different forms of it. It was pure, A. Pure and unconditional love. I would have died for you. A part of me already has. I could say I won't miss us, but I would be lying. I have poured out my heart and laid it right here for you. That’s all that I can do.

I have done so much soul seeking this past year and I realize now that your love for me was broken and deceptive. I know that you know I could never have hurt you as you have hurt me. I still couldn't hurt you, not like that. What makes me so sad is that you hurt me, and lacked any respect for me as a person or a best friend, let alone a life partner. You did become my best friend, and that I miss terribly. I also miss the woman I thought I had married. 

While I know we had problems, it always serves well to discuss these things, and that's one thing neither one of us did - and we should both be ashamed of that. I am guilty of being blinded by the bright side, and you of not being open with your feelings, and wandering onto greener grass. However, despite our problems, my love for you remained. 

I finally had to realize that my love that wasn't enough for you. That is what I am so truly sad about. Perhaps my love was too innocent, or that I basically didn't do it right. That's what makes this whole affair so much more tragic: A spouse, husband or wife, will cheat if they don't get what they need from from the other. You would never allow me to give you want you needed, you wouldn't let me in, so it only makes sense that I couldn't provide. That's why there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. I will spend my days feeling like an option that didn’t work out for you, and now you’ve moved onto another option.

I will never be able to love like that again. Not to say that I won't be able to love another - but not ever with that exuberance and devotion, as I will forever be cautious with my love and the love I receive. 

I so desperately wanted our marriage to work. It will always break my heart that it didn't. I never knowingly did anything to hurt you or to us. I want you to know that I do forgive you. I’ve put behind me my share of the blame, and this is the only way. 

I only hope that you can forgive yourself, although in my heart I believe you already have as you have moved on so quickly. Considering how easily it seems you moved on, it makes me wonder if you ever loved me at all. It's as if you aren't aware you even had an affair, or were even married for that matter. 

Maybe that’s for the best. There's nothing left for us to save.
It's time to let us go, it's what we have to do. It's time to give this up. I think we both knew this was coming a long time ago. 


I know that people say that you never truly get over your first love, and the others that come tend to melt into the framework of time. However, I actually don't think you ever truly get over someone you made the first commitment to love till death either. I suppose you always continue to love those people and care deeply about. Those who we love, we never truly leave behind.

I have only hope that you enter into a new relationship that does not include any baggage of past infidelity and lies and that I too enter into a new relationship where I won't be afraid to love someone again for fear of being hurt. I hope we are both able to go into this new life, equipped with the lessons we have learned from each other. One that is open, honest and above all else, healthy. One that allows for us to be the people we deserve to be, and the parents the kids deserve to have.

While it is always easy to go back to past loves, it is not always wise. This will be a difficult challenge for both of us I think, as it is easy to seek comfort in the arms of those who still love us. I wrote you before, but now I understand that you have started a new chapter in your life. While I often look back on my life and maintain a connection of sorts, outside of the kids, I will always move forward. But as you and me go, we have nothing left to weather. 



You used to be all that I had, now you’re just not what I need. It's time to turn and walk away from what's left of me and you. I've got to get over you, then I can get back to me.
The only way to get on with my life is to say goodbye.
So goodbye.

Take care of yourself A. You were the best thing I'll ever give up.

Love,
R


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Did you send it?

Don't you think it's too long (and needy) sounding?

You refer to children. How many do you have? How old are they?

Your ex cheated on you? How did you catch her? Or did you only discover this post divorce?

Are you too old to meet someone new? 

Are you in therapy?


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Oh man, that was sad . So sorry. I can relate to every word .


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

painful to read but I get it


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Now put it in an envelope. Place a stamp. Then burn it. You wrote your feelings down. you got what you needed. I doubt your X will care.


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Did you send it?
> 
> Don't you think it's too long (and needy) sounding?
> 
> ...


I'm giving it to her next week, when I move out. Yes we still live together.

This isn't long for me at all, but I was worried about sounding needy. I did take a lot out.

I have three. Two girls and a boy, 3,5 and 7.

Yes, she is still having the afffair. Basically, I threated to take the kids if she didn't confess. I already knew, I just wanted confirmation. 

No, I'm only 28. I have a bright future. No worries there, and I've been seeing a counselor for awhile now.


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

toonaive said:


> Now put it in an envelope. Place a stamp. Then burn it. You wrote your feelings down. you got what you needed. I doubt your X will care.


I've thought about that, but giving it to her is more about clouser for me.


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Oh man, that was sad . So sorry. I can relate to every word .


Thanks, it's been a long time coming.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Perhaps you should reconsider sending it.

She is remorseless and you will serve her a letter that in many respects will fuel her ego.

Just do the 180. Stand tall. Presumably you hardly talk anymore, except about the children and divorce.

You face major challenges being a single parent. Hope you are not surrendering custody to her. Keep your kids as much as you can. Don't give some nice financial deal in the hopes being friends.

What were her excuses for indulging her carnal appetites? You were an emotional dry well or something?


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Perhaps you should reconsider sending it.
> 
> She is remorseless and you will serve her a letter that in many respects will fuel her ego.
> 
> ...


The things is, she's not remorseless. She is in a lot of pain for everything she's done. I told her I could have forgiven everything, but she won't allow herself to be forgiven. We are actually pretty friendly, but I do plan on having as little as possible to do with her after.

It's joint custody, 50/50. A week on, a week off. 

It's funny you ask, I'm actually far from a dry well. I'm the open, emotional (not in a bad manner), compassionate, romantic, huggy-feely type. She's actually the dry well, belive it or not. Basically, she was mad at me and she had developed strong feelings for this other guy. They hooked up on Valentines day, and that was that.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I fear your opinion of her will change after the divorce/separation. She maybe the emotionally dry well with you, but that will-sadly-change as well.
Good luck moving on.


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I'm the open, emotional (not in a bad manner), compassionate, romantic, huggy-feely type. She's actually the dry well, belive it or not.


The letter is nothing but you putting a guilt trip on her. You should burn it. And, then as you walk out, look at her and say, "You will regret this for the rest of your life."

THAT, will sit with her for a very long time.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You are still wishing she would spin round and work to save your marriage but all she wants to do is spin on OM's magic wand.

Read about the 180. Disconnect from her to save your sanity. A mother of three children is in love with OM. In fact she is following the biological script of seeking new DNA after making an investment with you. You cannot sit on the bough of a tree and shoot OM with an arrow as he comes down the path. Those days are over.

To get her to see reality you need to cut off all the plan B feeling. Remember women want security and excitement. The two don't always go together at all. You are security. He is exciting. Take away the security and things will be different. Divorced but friends is okay and may be in your future, but not while the wound and insult are so rude.

When did she cut you off sexually? That is when the affair started probably. Valentines Day? Sounds like a romance fiction fantasy.


> I love my husband but on Valentine's Day Mr Wonderful and I stumbled and fell into a heap. We kissed and could not stop.


She didn't want to stop.


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> I fear your opinion of her will change after the divorce/separation. She maybe the emotionally dry well with you, but that will-sadly-change as well.
> Good luck moving on.


I've given that some thought. I may, one way or another, but at the end of the day, it won't matter. I have to move on. She's like that with everyone, in her own way. Even with her affair, from what I hear. O well.


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

Dedicated2Her said:


> The letter is nothing but you putting a guilt trip on her. You should burn it. And, then as you walk out, look at her and say, "You will regret this for the rest of your life."
> 
> THAT, will sit with her for a very long time.


Probably not a bad idea. There are parts that are a little guilt-tripping. I should probably take those out and just stick to the goodbye theme. I've said that to her before, and she went white after some explanation.


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> You are still wishing she would spin round and work to save your marriage but all she wants to do is spin on OM's magic wand.
> 
> Read about the 180. Disconnect from her to save your sanity. A mother of three children is in love with OM. In fact she is following the biological script of seeking new DNA after making an investment with you. You cannot sit on the bough of a tree and shoot OM with an arrow as he comes down the path. Those days are over.
> 
> ...


There always has been a part that wishes she would snap out of it, up until last night. The conversation we had, which is way too long to explain, just broke me and put me off. It ended with me saying "You're nothing but a nutcase, I was only ever an option for you and I'm done." 

She says it was a one time thing. Pff, yea right.


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

Dedicated2Her said:


> The letter is nothing but you putting a guilt trip on her. You should burn it. And, then as you walk out, look at her and say, "You will regret this for the rest of your life."
> 
> THAT, will sit with her for a very long time.


I was a fool for a long time. I always told her: 

"When you realize what a mistake you've made, come back to me. You'll have a family waiting"

When I redacted that, I finally saw the "O crap" in her face. 

She went white. I told her: 

"We have crossed into the black hole and there is no going back. That there will be a night, in the not too distant future, that you will want me to hold you, and I won't be there. I'll be moved on, and you will be a thought. I could have forgiven you, if you let me. But you had an affair, so...no."


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Please don't send her that letter. 

It's all too much about HER, and what she took from you. That letter was for YOU. Now burn it.

Rewrite it, over and over. Pare it down to one paragraph.

"Dear Wife,

You have treated me shabbily, and thrown away the best things in life, including our marriage and our children. I have never known such deceit and treachery as you have dealt me. I will move on WITHOUT you; when your affair partner finally discards you (as he will) don't come knocking on my door. That door has been permanently closed.

Good bye and good riddance.

Husband"


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Better yet...print it...take it to your fire pit, piss on it then douse it in gas and light that sucker up.

Lather, rinse, repeat...


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Please don't send her that letter.
> 
> It's all too much about HER, and what she took from you. That letter was for YOU. Now burn it.
> 
> ...


Now that is good. I'm not above that at all. 

The only caveat I will give is this: I can't be too mean because we do still have to co-parent, so we have to get along on some level. Other than that, yea screw her.


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Please don't send her that letter.
> 
> It's all too much about HER, and what she took from you. That letter was for YOU. Now burn it.
> 
> ...


Revised:

Dear Amanda,
I realize now that your love for me was broken and deceptive. I know that you know I could never have hurt you as you have hurt me. What makes me so sad is that you hurt me, and lacked any respect for me as a person or a best friend, let alone a life partner. 

I finally had to realize that my love that wasn't enough for you. That is what I am so truly sad about. A spouse, husband or wife, will cheat if they don't get what they need from from the other. You would never allow me to give you want you needed, you wouldn't let me in, so it only makes sense that I couldn't provide. That's why there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.

I hope that you can forgive yourself, although I believe you already have as you have moved on so quickly. Considering how easily it seems you moved on, it makes me wonder if you ever loved me at all. It's as if you aren't aware you even had an affair, or were even married for that matter. 

It's time to let us go, it's what we have to do. It's time to give this up. I think we both knew this was coming a long time ago.

I hope we are both able to go into this new life, equipped with the lessons we have learned from each other. One that is open, honest and above all else, healthy. One that allows for us to be the people we deserve to be, and the parents the kids deserve to have.

You treated me horrible, and thrown away the best things in life: our marriage and our children. I have never known such deceit and treachery as you have dealt me. I will move on WITHOUT you; when your affair partner finally dumps you (and he will) don't come knocking on my door. That door has been permanently closed.
Goodbye,
Randy


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

pylesrm said:


> Now that is good. I'm not above that at all.
> 
> The only caveat I will give is this: *I can't be too mean because we do still have to co-parent,* so we have to get along on some level. Other than that, yea screw her.


Yeah, been there, done that.

I just posted a new thread in the "General Relationships" forum about trying to co-parent with a d*uche bag (we have been divorced for more than 2 years -- he is JUST NOW rearing his ugly claws!!)

Co-parenting with a D*uche bag...

I thought it was all smooth sailing for us as there have been no major bumps along the road.

Now, after all this time, my daughter wants to go to one school for college, he wants her to go to another -- MAJOR fights, manipulation, guilt-trips, passive-aggressive abuse -- in trying to resolve this all. And what I finally realize is -- this is ALL a way to GET BACK AT ME!!! It has absolutely NOTHING to do with my daughter. Yet he uses her like a pawn in his manipulation game...

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER make the mistake of thinking your spouse will "play nice." Even after years of playing nice, their claws still come out...


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

pylesrm said:


> I've thought about that, but giving it to her is more about clouser for me.


As long as it is for you. :smthumbup:


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Yeah, been there, done that.
> 
> I just posted a new thread in the "General Relationships" forum about trying to co-parent with a d*uche bag (we have been divorced for more than 2 years -- he is JUST NOW rearing his ugly claws!!)
> 
> ...


Nice, I'll read it. We'll see how all that goes. My oldest is only 7, so hopefully by that time we will be alright. We have talked about college, and we both agree as long as they do go, it's fine. But again, we'll see. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. 

Time will tell how things go.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Still too long.



pylesrm said:


> Revised:
> 
> Dear Amanda,
> I realize now that your love for me was broken and deceptive. I know that you know I could never have hurt you as you have hurt me. What makes me so sad is that you hurt me, and lacked any respect for me as a person or a best friend, let alone a life partner.
> ...


Edited:



> Dear Amanda,
> 
> Sorry I let you down so badly that you had to go and fall on another guy's d!ck. Oh, well, shxte happens.
> 
> ...


Don't send it either. Stop all relationship discussion. Just talk about what is necessary with regards to the kids. Don't pout or be p!ssy. Act like you know that you are going to survive. Fake it till you make it.

The suffering is not over yet. But keep venting. One guy, WantWifeBack, really couldn't stand the idea of his cheating wife dumping him. In the end she wanted to try again. He was the best in bed, according to her. But by then he did not need her anymore. Granted they had no children.


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

The problem with writing any type of letter or having to "explain" anything is you remove your mysteriousness. Now you are about to be single. What better opportunity to practice being mysterious than with your STBX? Less is more. 

Actions are impactful. They speak to the persona of a man. Be a man of few words. When you speak them to her, they are powerful.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

pylesrm said:


> Revised:
> 
> Dear Amanda,
> I realize now that your love for me was broken and deceptive. I know that you know I could never have hurt you as you have hurt me. What makes me so sad is that you hurt me, and lacked any respect for me as a person or a best friend, let alone a life partner.
> ...


MUCH better OP!!! Let her feel ALL of the pain she has caused.

*I would still think twice about actually SENDING it. These letters are more for YOUR healing, than for her hearing how P*SSED you are.*

It's all on her. When you're ready to heal -- TRULY HEAL yourself -- check back in with us and we will tell you how. It truly IS a step-by-step process.

You CAN be happy again, without her. 

You deserve far better.


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> MUCH better OP!!! Let her feel ALL of the pain she has caused.
> 
> *I would still think twice about actually SENDING it. These letters are more for YOUR healing, than for her hearing how P*SSED you are.*
> 
> ...


That has been my point the whole time: I want her to feel what she has done, not just know it. 

Thank you, I'm getting there. When I move out next week, it'll be night and day.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why are you moving out?


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Why are you moving out?


Do you mean the difference between why am I, and not her?


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> That has been my point the whole time: I want her to feel what she has done, not just know it.


I can tell you from experience......Nothing makes her feel it like you going out and kicking @ss in life. Every single time they see you in a kid exchange, you get to witness the regret in their face. It's beautiful. Get fit, become a confident man, win at work, and be an amazing dad. Oh, and don't talk to her. It works. 

I was 255 when all of my marriage problems came to light. (almost 5 years ago) Now I'm 215 (up from 185 since I started crossfit), competitive crossfitting, promoted twice at work, kids want to live with me, and I have a good looking, smart, successful fiance. :smthumbup:


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Yes


----------



## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

I wouldn't give it to her. Putting things in writing can come back to haunt you, if only by embarrassment if she shows it to others, or hurtful, if your children come across it at some point. 

I know it can be tempting to write out your feelings in this way, but the thing is, you won't get the satisfaction you crave. She won't care, or won't respond, or worse, may not even read it. You need to examine your motives and expectations in giving her such a letter. It may be just to make yourself feel better, which is fine, but there are better ways. Being a great father and having a great post-divorce life might be far more gratifying in the long run. She may come to wish she had behaved differently.


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

Dedicated2Her said:


> I can tell you from experience......Nothing makes her feel it like you going out and kicking @ss in life. Every single time they see you in a kid exchange, you get to witness the regret in their face. It's beautiful. Get fit, become a confident man, win at work, and be an amazing dad. Oh, and don't talk to her. It works.
> 
> I was 255 when all of my marriage problems came to light. (almost 5 years ago) Now I'm 215 (up from 185 since I started crossfit), competitive crossfitting, promoted twice at work, kids want to live with me, and I have a good looking, smart, successful fiance. :smthumbup:


Yea, i'm fairly certain that is every ex-husbands dream. It also just happens to be exactly what i plan on. I'm already on my way.


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Yes


We rented a house together, and I just don't want it. She can keep it, I've been wanting to get out of this area for awhile.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There you go. Stop talking to her. Do CrossFit.

Don't write her any soppy letters.

Treat her like a business relationship that has gone bad but cannot be ended.

For the sake of your kids let us hope that POSOM is not a POS who magnifies your stbx's failings and weaknesses.


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> There you go. Stop talking to her. Do CrossFit.
> 
> Don't write her any soppy letters.
> 
> ...


Haha. Well, I have no clue what CrossFit it, but I'll do it. Here's what I think I'll do:

(A little back story)

We have talked about the parallels between our marriage, and my grandparents. My grandmother went through a very similiar thing. She said to me last night she wanted to live on her own when her and grandpa were together. After awhile, she didn't liek it, and they got back together. 

I'll tell her that whole story, then tell her us getting back together won't happen because of the affair. It doesn't sounds like a big deal, but it is to her.


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I'll tell her that whole story, then tell her us getting back together won't happen because of the affair. It doesn't sounds like a big deal, but it is to her.


Sounds like you would be coming from a position of hurt or spite. Don't say anything. Just do it.

I'm telling you. I don't respond to my ex even on kid issues, immediately. I give it some time, think about it, and give clear, short answers. When she sends me something and I don't respond for an hour or two, she will follow it up with stuff like, "I want you to know I wasn't trying to be rude. I reread it and it sounded harsh." LOL

You have to stop talking and explaining and warning. It makes you appear manipulative and weak.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Don't say anything. Just do it...
> 
> *You have to stop talking and explaining and warning. *It makes you appear manipulative and weak.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

OP, I understand where you're coming from, wanting to tell her what you WANT her to hear. You seem to want her to have some sort of "Aha!" moment; you're hoping that telling her the story about the grandparents will make her feel bad, cause her to have remorse, feel guilty for her choices, etc.

If she's deep in the affair fog, it won't work. She won't really even listen to half of what you're saying and it certainly won't produce the desired effect you're going for.

Stop talking! Start doing! Become unavailable to her, like yesterday.


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

OK, you guys are right. I thought I had a lot left to say, but I really don't. I'm done. I'm done to the point it doesn't even hurt anymore. I don't listen to the "moving on" songs anymore. I'm just ready to move on. The other night was the first night I could really see her as an ex. When I leave next week, I'll shake her hand, tell her it was nice to meet her, and let that be that.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

pylesrm said:


> OK, you guys are right. I thought I had a lot left to say, but I really don't. I'm done.


Atta boy!!!

Anything you want to say to her, come here and tell us instead, just to get it off your chest . The less you say to her, the more she will start to wonder. How did you just let her go? How could you just move on? Why doesn't he care at all anymore?

And trust me, she will ask those questions one day when the finality of her situation is apparent to her.

And you will be... zoom zoom... gone!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

pylesrm said:


> OK, you guys are right. I thought I had a lot left to say, but I really don't. I'm done. I'm done to the point it doesn't even hurt anymore. I don't listen to the "moving on" songs anymore. I'm just ready to move on. The other night was the first night I could really see her as an ex. When I leave next week,* I'll shake her hand, tell her it was nice to meet her, and let that be that*.


I think that is even to much.. Just a nice good by.... and GO!!!!


----------



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Atta boy!!!
> 
> Anything you want to say to her, come here and tell us instead, just to get it off your chest . The less you say to her, the more she will start to wonder. How did you just let her go? How could you just move on? Why doesn't he care at all anymore?
> 
> ...


That's a good idea! I am so liberated right now, it's amazing. I'm so free, it's awesome. This is what's it's like to live for me. I'm just so good right now.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

pylesrm said:


> OK, you guys are right. I thought I had a lot left to say, but I really don't. I'm done. I'm done to the point it doesn't even hurt anymore. I don't listen to the "moving on" songs anymore. I'm just ready to move on. The other night was the first night I could really see her as an ex. When I leave next week, I'll shake her hand, tell her it was nice to meet her, and let that be that.


And next week your emotions will change. Its part of the rollercoaster so don't be surprised when the feelings change. 

Back when my mess first started I wrote many such "drafts" of letters. I never sent them, I tweaked and fiddled with them always wanting it to be perfect in my head. What you fill find is what you want to say to her today will be very different than in a couple of weeks and will again be completely different in a couple of months. 

Come back in a few weeks and reread the letter and you will understand, your really writing it for yourself much more than for her benefit. Don't bother sending or giving them to her.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Stillkindofhopefull wrote a letter to his wife that ended up being a catalyst for her returning to him. It was a different kind of letter than you wrote, though.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Never underrate the power of the written word. A letter can do great things, but when POSOM literally writes rap lyrics on her inner walls she sees nothing in BH's sad country nostalgia.

There was a guy on TAM whose wife's family was wealthy. They financed a rock climbing center business that he ran. She was into some green land management business. They had two young daughters and life was stable. 

He wasn't entrepreneurial and had interests like playing in a rock and roll band. She lost respect for him as man because he coasted.

Her solution was to fall in love with a divorced dad and seal it with extra marital sex.

The BH could not shake her off him with words. He had to move on.

Some months later he shared IRL photos of himself climbing some rock face. You know, tents on the face of a sheer wall of stone. Most people just dream about such adventures. He had a new girlfriend.

The hurt he experienced was a permanent scar but he no longer suffered it cutting new fresh wounds.

When couples have built a family together their dreams are dissected by splitting up.

You have the power to hurt your wife with words, but she will not fall in love with you because of hurt and guilt. Remember OM is pleasuring her. 

The thing about humans is they have discontent wired into them. Six months from now when you have flown away and are not the sucky plan B, she may discover fungus on POSOM's left big toe nail and the sight of the uncapped fungicidal cream tube in the bathroom may make her think of you and how you used to hold her.


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I agree, the best "message" you can ever send is moving onto a fulfilling life.

Too often we try to send out a sonar ping to get a desired response, yet they rarely yield anything productive...it is just rather a sign that there isn't closure.

Drafting letters and recording in a journal can be a very healthy way to get our head around what has taken place, but throwing your heart and your feelings toward a wayward spouse, even if it is a half-attempt to say goodbye, is casting pearls before swine.

Communication, at this stage, should be restricted to business, boundary setting, or any need-to-know information...and should be devoid of neither emotion, nor hurt feelings, nor disappointment.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

The best message you can send her is no message. Just a "see ya bye" and that's it. You can talk to her until your blue in the face or write her until your arm falls off and you'll still have the same problem. 

I doubt if the problem you have with her can be fixed because it takes two to work on a marriage and right now it's just you but what can be fixed is your self esteem and your dignity.

Work on yourself and you be the better person. No matter how long both of you live, every time you see her, you can at least look her straight in the eye without guilt but she can't. She can put up a false front but it's like putting lipstick on a pig. Be the better person and by doing that you can also be the better parent.


----------



## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

pylesrm said:


> ...When I leave next week, I'll shake her hand, tell her it was nice to meet her, and let that be that.


Nah. Say nothing. Nothing has the impact you're looking for. No shaking of hands either. That's contrived.

Pay attention to your kids if they are there. Then leave and let them know when they are seeing you again.


----------



## ShouldIbehere (Mar 24, 2015)

I have been reading this post, I am going through something similar. Life throws some twists right. Dont sent the letter. If you have to send something send something less personal, something short to the point. 

I commend you for your strength.


----------

