# Restraining order, Boyfriend moves in



## AKBob (Dec 27, 2016)

Howdy All. 
I have a question for the group.
My wife goes ballistic and we get into a fight on a Friday. Myself give her a couple days to cool down only to be served with a restraining order on Monday. She made up quite a few bad things to get the order.
So that Monday I see she has a Man friend who she claims to have had a close sexual encounter with and he says they had sex in the past.
During this restraining order which I am prohibited from calling or being within 500 feet of her, I join a dating site to chat with other women.
Now we are back together and am continually condemned for getting on a dating site and talking with others.
She on the other hand takes no responsibility for having what she calls a friend staying overnight for a couple weeks.
The blame is continually put on me. 
There is a bit more, however, My wife continues to condemn me for only talking with women. Never an in person meeting and was immediately stopped when we got back together I try to forgive her for her actions and only bring it up when she starts in on me about the dating sites, but insists that I have the problem. She continues to see this man and hiding the fact or just not mentioning it saying that I did not ask who she was with and he is a friend like a brother.
How should I deal with this? FYI We are seeing a counselor. But I would really like to know how others feel. I never would have went to a dating site had she not had another man start staying overnight at the house


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She lied to obtain a TRO against you?

You need to divorce, and ASAP.

Seriously, WTF else is there to even talk about? The rest, relatively speaking, is little more than noise.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> She lied to obtain a TRO against you?
> 
> You need to divorce, and ASAP.
> 
> Seriously, WTF else is there to even talk about? The rest, relatively speaking, is little more than noise.


 ^This^
How do you restore trust after that, and then she moves a guy in. You must enjoy abuse.
"How should you deal with this?" Send her packing.


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Yeah ok.


----------



## rockon (May 18, 2016)

How old are the both of you?


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

AKBob said:


> Howdy All.
> I have a question for the group.
> My wife goes ballistic and we get into a fight on a Friday. Myself give her a couple days to cool down only to be served with a restraining order on Monday. She made up quite a few bad things to get the order.
> 
> ...


RUN.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

rockon said:


> How old are the both of you?


Way to old for this


----------



## AKBob (Dec 27, 2016)

A lot more to this story, however I wanted to be fair and unbiased.
We are in our 50s. My wife has emotional issues from being abused Badly as a child.
She also has cancer as well as a heart problems. We live off in a rural cabin in Alaska. She is both Verbal and physically abusive.
She is seeking counseling as well as myself to try to deal with all this
I truly believe she had no sex with this individual and just needed security. He chooses not to work, is an alcoholic and has one foot in the grave. Don't think he could have sex if he wanted to. 
However, my point to her was with the restraining order ( Which see says was to get my attention) YOU initiated this whole thing with the restraining order.
She claimed I got violent striking her which the troopers found to be false. Posted on Social media that I was abusive and later apologized that it was false to friends and family.
The point I continue to try to make to her is the fact that getting a restraining order and having some guy move in, How can she keep condemning me for seeking just to chat with other women. YES that was all I did. I told her as well as showed her the sites I went to.
At the time as far as I knew we were done. She has done this twice with the restraining order and having this guy come stay with her. 
Yes it is dysfunctional, I will agree. However due to her illness I am trying to make this work. She is a good woman just very messed up. 
I just want to move on and start with other issues she has, however she can not get past my going on dating sites.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is difficult.

If anyone doesn't believe childhood abuse can still impact women in their 50s, well I know different. 

Stick with the counselling if you can.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

AKBob said:


> A lot more to this story, however I wanted to be fair and unbiased.
> We are in our 50s. My wife has emotional issues from being abused Badly as a child.
> She also has cancer as well as a heart problems. We live off in a rural cabin in Alaska. She is both Verbal and physically abusive.
> She is seeking counseling as well as myself to try to deal with all this
> ...


Child Abuse is a horrible thing...with far reaching implications...sometimes..lifelong implications. 

HOWEVER...This does not, nor should it ever, give her a pass for Deceit, Neglect, Abuse, etc:

1. Manipulating the Legal System, by making false statements about your character/actions, to her benefit...
2. Doing Item # 1.....TWICE.
3. Attempted to publicly SHAME you using social media.....I would wager that she didn't use social media to tell the truth did she? Did that happen, face to face -or via telephone. If that is the case...there was neither an apology nor a public retraction of her false claims. 
4. Manipulating you by attempting to focus the attention on YOUR action, not hers. 

We all get to be responsible for our own actions. The means don't always justify the ends...Hell, they rarely do. They especially don't when the End is a Harmful one. 

The Means appear to be clear. You spelled them out. Those are the things she does to achieve her goal. I believe her goal is control...But I don't know her or you. What do you believe her goal is? 

It is clear that you love this woman. I get that. You desire to make this relationship work...in spite of her actions. You excuse her behavior, mildly, by talking about her victim status. By leaving out vital information, you are protecting her -even from us...the nameless faceless people of the interwebs...You do this because you love her. You told us she is a "good woman"...consider this...why did you type those words? "Good woman"...because you believe it to be true....or really really want it to be true?

Do you have any Children? If you have/had a son...he came to you and described....everything you just described to us...as happening to him. What would you tell him? What's the first thought? Don't think on it long enough to rationalize anything...Just First thought. 

You deserve to be happy. You don't deserve to be hit. You don't deserve to be shamed. You don't deserve to be screamed at. You teach people how to treat you everyday. Everyday it is reinforced by action or absence of action. If you are determined to stay -you must Re-Teach her how to treat you.


----------



## AKBob (Dec 27, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> Child Abuse is a horrible thing...with far reaching implications...sometimes..lifelong implications.
> 
> HOWEVER...This does not, nor should it ever, give her a pass for Deceit, Neglect, Abuse, etc:
> 
> ...


 Children No! More of the story. Her son is a Heroin addict. Has stolen from me, Actually hit me and was charged with DV.
I again stepped up as the court had called numerous times asking me what I think should happen (Jail Time) I said Just get the kid (23) help for his addiction. He is in failing health due to the addiction.
In the past she would give him money, help him out of every single problem. No Gas, Car broken, He is hungry, It's cold he has no where to sleep. He is in jail we must care for his pets.
She did apologize on Social Media which she goes onto to tell only her twisted side of the story to get sympathy. I am then told see, all your friends think this or that. 
I can only see counselors on a limited basis due to his availability. Seems everyone has issue these days.
I am just about at my wits end. My whole life centers around her and her actions. Her fear off abandonment, yet she pushes me away.
My life is going nowhere. If I leave, I am sure she wont last long. Counselor says I should not blame myself. I am responsible only for my actions and not those of others. But it is hard not to feel responsible. Will be hard to live with myself in the future knowing had I stayed with her continuing to try to help she might have lived longer. Cancer is also getting worse and will feel I have some how betrayed her.
Anyway................Thanks for the words of encouragement.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

AKBob said:


> A lot more to this story, however I wanted to be fair and unbiased.
> We are in our 50s. My wife has emotional issues from being abused Badly as a child.
> She also has cancer as well as a heart problems. We live off in a rural cabin in Alaska. She is both Verbal and physically abusive.
> She is seeking counseling as well as myself to try to deal with all this
> ...


Blah blah blah.

None of the matters.

That said, I'm going to day this --

Respectfully, if you honestly believe that they didn't have -- _and aren't *still* having_ -- sex, then you're just delusional.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AKBob said:


> Howdy All.
> I have a question for the group.
> My wife goes ballistic and we get into a fight on a Friday. Myself give her a couple days to cool down only to be served with a restraining order on Monday. She made up quite a few bad things to get the order.
> So that Monday I see she has a Man friend who she claims to have had a close sexual encounter with and he says they had sex in the past.
> ...


At this point your problem is not your wife, it's you for staying with a person like her. Seriously why do you except so little for yourself when it comes to a partner. Figure that out and you will begin to solve your problems, everything else is just a waste of time.


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

My question is ... if you thought it was over to the point you started going on dating sites, why did you go back?

Also, as someone with a crap childhood, I sympathize but 50 is way past time to deal with it through counseling or realizing you can't deal with it enough to be around other people. She's abusive and her children are drug addicts who steal from you and beat you up. When she's not abusing you herself.

Is she super hot for 50 or something? Like what can you even be remotely getting out of this?


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I would say that the person with codependency issues is not your wife, but you. No person should live with abuse of this type.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Bobby my man, when you boil it all down, here's what the man in your store has to deal with.

The problem:

- My wife is the problem.

Solution:

- No wife, no problem.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

This is one of the most toxic relationships I've ever read about on here.

Frankly, if you stay with this woman the only person to blame is the man in the mirror.

Drop the knight in shining armor act and get away from this woman. I don't give a damn about her abuse as a child. It doesn't justify abusing you today.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

True. If being abused as a child was a valid defense, most of the hard line criminals would be walking the streets.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

TX-SC said:


> I would say that the person with codependency issues is not your wife, but you. No person should live with abuse of this type.


Exactly what I was thinking. 

YOU got major issues to put up with a bat sh&& crazy wife and her son. Life is way too short to deal with this garbage. 

Find a counseler today. Start the divorce process today. Good grief.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

AKBob said:


> My wife goes ballistic and we get into a fight on a Friday. Myself give her a couple days to cool down only to be served with a restraining order on Monday. She made up quite a few bad things to get the order.


This time she lied to get a restraining order served on you.

Next time, she'll be lying about domestic violence and rape.

Tell bubba to "be gentle" when he has you bent over in a prison cell.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

No offense Bob but your marriage is a train wreck and if you think for one sec that she will suddenly become a great wife and take responsibilities your sadly mistaken...here is a new years resolution...find your own happiness outside your marriage, by divorcing her, she is a lair, she is a cheater, she has no remorse and takes no responsibilities...you could so much better...time to put your big boy pants on.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

AKBob said:


> My wife has emotional issues from being abused Badly as a child.
> She also has cancer as well as a heart problems...She is both Verbal and physically abusive...She is seeking counseling as well as myself to try to deal with all this...She claimed I got violent striking her which the troopers found to be false...posted on Social media that I was abusive and later apologized that it was false to friends and family...getting a restraining order and having some guy move in...she keeps condemning me for seeking just to chat with other women...She has done this twice with the restraining order and having this guy come stay with her...Yes it is dysfunctional, I will agree.


Read this over and over, because this:



AKBob said:


> She is a good woman.


Does not compute!

I agree with you that she is very messed up. 

But what is staring at you in the face that you refuse to acknowledge is that she is NOT a good woman.

I agree with the others, you are codependent. Get a copy of Codependent No More, read it and figure out why you so easily put up with her.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sniff...sniff...

I smell bridge funk.


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Sniff...sniff...
> 
> I smell bridge funk.


Beat you to it in post #4.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I am sorry sir, but any person who attempts to have another imprisoned under false pretenses is in no way spousal material. You should not attempt any relationship with her other than total stranger. You say that she lied on a restraining order. She moved an AP into your home? She allowed her son to assault you? This is a bad human being. Do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and please put some distance between yourself and this toxic person.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Move far away from her.

just go. Have her wonderful AP pay for the D.

Have you had her tested for stds in addition to her medical treatments?

You will wind up in jail if you stay.

Get out of the state. now.


----------

