# Should I trust wife



## Chris0987

Hi long story short when me and wife met she had a guy friend. She told me they have never had sex or even touched and she would like to continue to hang out with him. So I end up finding out they have had sex and she told friend how good it was. She doesn?t know I know and yes I have proof it has happened. It was before we got married but should I tell her I know and she don?t need to talk to him anymore?


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## TJW

No sir, you cannot trust your wife. 

Personally, I recommend you just end the marriage. She is holding on to an old flame and lying to you. Whether or not they are having sex at this time is irrelevant, this is adultery, plain and simple. If she had "let go" of this man, like her wedding vows included as her promise to you, then she would have no reason to lie to you about their relationship. 

If you are going to try to make a go of it, and there may be good reasons for you to choose this path, then for her to have zero contact to him forever is an absolute no-compromise requirement.

In order to rebuild trust, your wife will have to admit her lies and repent of this modality of dealing with her husband and her past.


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## Mindy123

Chris0987 said:


> Hi long story short when me and wife met she had a guy friend. She told me they have never had sex or even touched and she would like to continue to hang out with him. So I end up finding out they have had sex and she told friend how good it was. She doesn?t know I know and yes I have proof it has happened. It was before we got married but should I tell her I know and she don?t need to talk to him anymore?



I would have an open and honest discussion with her. Find out why she feels the need to lie about this, and help her understand why hanging out ex-lover would hurt you. Lying and disregarding your feelings is the real problem here, but is one that can be fixed.


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## SunCMars

The sex with this Dude was fantastic.
Her toes curled.
Her heart pounded wildly in her chest.

It did.

But, she dumped him and married You.
..............................................................................................

More information from you may change my mind here.

Let it go, unless she is 'still' talking about this, maybe reminiscing about this. 
She is married now, and the past and exes should not be discussed.

Did he dump her?

Does she still have feelings for him?
If not, as mentioned, let it go.

We need more information to better discern your situation. When did she tell this to her girlfriend?


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## TAM2013

Ask her in a joking manner what her history is with this fella. When she deflects, say in a more sarcastic manner "yeah but seriously, what's the history?". Step it up and be a bit more serious but still calm. If she still denies, you walk and never look back.

SHE WILL NOT CHANGE. SHE DOES NOT HAVE YOUR BACK. SHE HAS NO RESPECT FOR YOU.

You already know she is deceitful and she is a liar but give her enough rope to hang herself for your own piece of mind.


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## Chris0987

Thank you very much for all the reply?s. To the questions.. they went to high school together and have know each other since then. This sounds bad but I found all this out by reading her diary. Yea I know shouldn?t have done that but just had bad feeling about this ?we are just friends? thing. They never dated and yes she told him about me. I think in most part he uses her cause he has no license from all the DUI?s. That?s what I don?t get I have great job and yes my license. Lol he lives in a dumpy apartment I own my own house. And no nothing wrong with apartments btw. It just seems she needs a bad boy in her life I guess. I?m going tell her I know after she gets home tonight and say it needs to end. I can already see the outcome she will say ok no problem I?m sorry and start sneaking around. And once I find that out it?s definetly over. Her dad can?t even stand this guy. Like I said it?s almost like I?m the hardworking husband and she needs the drunk no life guy as her bad boy on the side.


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## Chris0987

Btw have no clue why my computer keeps putting the ? marks. Sorry


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## David51

Chris0987 said:


> Hi long story short when me and wife met she had a guy friend. She told me they have never had sex or even touched and she would like to continue to hang out with him. So I end up finding out they have had sex and she told friend how good it was. She doesn?t know I know and yes I have proof it has happened. It was before we got married but should I tell her I know and she don?t need to talk to him anymore?




My guess (not knowing you) is that the friend is not capable of giving her the luxuries that you can. So she marries you to be taken care of by you and keeps the Playmate on the side. If this is the case dump her and find an honest woman. Women like her are a dime a dozen!


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## TAM2013

Chris, do not tell her you know. You need to get a firm measure of her dishonesty first. Thank me later.


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## TAM2013

Oh, and ask to see her phone. If she refuses, your marriage is over.


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## Chris0987

Ok thank you I will hold off and not say anything. I?ve kept quiet for moat part except one time he called her while we was out to dinner and she just kept talking. Finally I said can you get off the damn phone and she did and apologized. I?d really like to get off work early one day when she is off and see if she is home. Wish he had a car cause me and our neighbor our close and I?m sure if I asked her would tell me about a strange car in our driveway.


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## SunCMars

I missed the mark...

A terrible thing for an Archer to admit.

She still wants to be friends with him...
Oh, boy..no.

No friggin' way!

Watch this one.
The one who snuggles close to your chest.

The one who chatters "he was good" behind your' back.

Go to Ace Hardware...
Obtain a 'live' mouse trap..the non-kill type.

Go to the garage or shed. 
Catch a fat mouse with a nice long strong tail.

When the house is quiet and very dark...wait.
When the clock strikes Three, pull 'out' the mouse by it's tail.

Go to your' bed where your half-clad wife sleeps.
Dangle the mouse about two inches from her nose. Squeeze the little feller's nuts. Let it squeak!

If her tongue comes out and it is forked you know your answer.

................................................................................................................

Seriously, you have a problem. I would not say a word. I would monitor her like a hawk. 

Of course, If she asks if she can meet or talk to her EX, say No. That, that is not proper. 
You want her to stay away from this guy. That is her warning and your' shot over her bow..over her butt.
She will now have no excuse. Now, wait and see if she complies.
..................................................................................................................

In the meantime you have to monitor all her communications and applications.
You may end up using a voice activated recorder on her. In her car or where she sits and gabs on her phone in the house.

Hopefully, she remains faithful. Uh, in the future, faithful. ;-{


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## Evinrude58

You have been lied to. She is asking to hang out with the guy. You know what that really means for sure now because she said they never had sex. She obviously wants more. It's not like a drunk w no license could of be good for much else. You are the meal ticket, he's the guy she wants to have sex with.

You married a lying cheater. If your whole story is true, I really do advise you to divorce her, and I would take every precaution not to get her pregnant. If she got pregnant, there would be a paternity test.

Once a person is a certain age, and she's past it, their basic character is set. Your wife has low character, which is why I say divorce her. This will not be the last time you're lied to about other men.

You have been presented the gift of knowing your wife is a liar early in your marriage. You had reason to snoop. Btw, a woman should never ask her husband if she can "hang out" with a male friend. It's ridiculous. You are supposed to be her make friend she should be wanting to hang out with.

Please consider how your future with this woman will turn out. You can't prevent her from wanting other men. If she's wanting another now, how do you think it will be after 10 or 15 years of marriage. Lying about men= deal breaker. Don't ask me how I know.


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## Chris0987

Thanks again and yes this story is 100 true. She doesn?t know I read her diary so been paying close attention to it. As of now nothing about him. Did not mention her best friend has been giving me info. She told me at first but gave wife benefit of doubt so that?s when I read the diary and yes mentioned sex twice with him in it. Think what makes me maddest is lying saying nothing happened to my face over and over. She pretty much is just a lier. Also read about a one night stand she had. That doesn?t bother me but fact of when we met she said it was 9 months since she had sex and really it was 2 guys with in 2 months of us dating.


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## Evinrude58

I really don't like the readingthediary stuff.

You know what you need to know.

What are you going to do about it?

You can blow up the situation by monitoring. Things might be alright for a while.

But she already wants sex with another man. I think you're sitting on a time bomb. It will hurt much more to lose her whenyou have more years and kids with her. And you'll be financially

Tell her she can hang with her homey, that you trust her.
Schedule a polygraph test. Tell her you're taking her to a movie. When you pull in for the test, ask her if there's anything she wants to tell you about her and DUI's past relationship and if she wants to have sex with him. Parking lot confessions are cool.


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## TAM2013

Evinrude58 said:


> You have been lied to. She is asking to hang out with the guy. You know what that really means for sure now because she said they never had sex. She obviously wants more. It's not like a drunk w no license could of be good for much else. You are the meal ticket, he's the guy she wants to have sex with.
> 
> You married a lying cheater. If your whole story is true, I really do advise you to divorce her, and I would take every precaution not to get her pregnant. If she got pregnant, there would be a paternity test.
> 
> *Once a person is a certain age, and she's past it, their basic character is set.* Your wife has low character, which is why I say divorce her. This will not be the last time you're lied to about other men.
> 
> *You have been presented the gift of knowing your wife is a liar early in your marriage.* You had reason to snoop. Btw, a woman should never ask her husband if she can "hang out" with a male friend. It's ridiculous. You are supposed to be her make friend she should be wanting to hang out with.
> 
> Please consider how your future with this woman will turn out. You can't prevent her from wanting other men. If she's wanting another now, how do you think it will be after 10 or 15 years of marriage. *Lying about men= deal breaker.* Don't ask me how I know.


True. So ****ing true.


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## ConanHub

NOOOOOO!!!!!!

Wait....what was the question???


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## ConanHub

What does she say in her diary about sex with you and her relationship with you? She seems to keep track.

Does she have a scoring system?


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## Chris0987

Funny you ask.. she has nothing about even meeting me when we first met. But talks about the drunk sex they had. She goes in detail of how he stripped her down like she got off writing it. More I read everyone?s post and think I?m about done with this marriage. My wife is cute but not worth always having to wonder if she is lying about working and out with him.


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## Elizabeth001

Wtf does a diary anymore? 


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## Marc878

Nothing worse than living without trust. She lied for a reason to keep him close.

Your situation sucks. Sorry man

Figure out what you want put a plan together and don't wallow around in this for too long.


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## Chris0987

*Is she cheating*

Thanks for all the replys


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## TAM2013

Chris0987 said:


> More I read everyone?s post and think I?m about done with this marriage.


Satisfy yourself by getting her to lie to your face, dude. Ask to see her phone.



Chris0987 said:


> My wife is cute but not worth always having to wonder if she is lying about working and out with him.


Lots of us have fallen for this. It's all she's got.......cute face, nice ass. She'll destroy you.


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## Chris0987

So I asked to see her phone. Told her I wanted to send some pics from her phone to mine that she had. She did no problem. There was no messages at all of them talking but as we all know can be deleted. Checked her Facebook also. Went through her pics and no pics of him. She has a smartphone galaxy s3 and it has a tracker on it. She went to work Wendy?s and home today. I?m going keep eye on the tracker pretty cool feature. I?m so confused


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## SunCMars

Chris0987 said:


> So I asked to see her phone. Told her I wanted to send some pics from her phone to mine that she had. She did no problem. There was no messages at all of them talking but as we all know can be deleted. Checked her Facebook also. Went through her pics and no pics of him. She has a smartphone galaxy s3 and it has a tracker on it. She went to work Wendy?s and home today. I?m going keep eye on the tracker pretty cool feature. I?m so confused


It is plenty early...let it play out.

This whole deal may not amount to anything. That is what you want, right?


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## Cynthia

Chris0987 said:


> So I asked to see her phone. Told her I wanted to send some pics from her phone to mine that she had. She did no problem. There was no messages at all of them talking but as we all know can be deleted. Checked her Facebook also. Went through her pics and no pics of him. She has a smartphone galaxy s3 and it has a tracker on it. She went to work Wendy?s and home today. I?m going keep eye on the tracker pretty cool feature. I?m so confused


It's entirely possible that she is not having sex with the guy, but if her relationship makes you uncomfortable it is perfectly reasonable for you to ask her to end her relationship with the man. Tell you you are uncomfortable with him and you want her to end it. See what happens. Even if she isn't having sex with him, she may get upset at you asking her to end her friendship. I would be upset if my husband asked me to end a friendship. In our 33 years of marriage I cannot recall that ever happening. However, I have no relationships similar to what you are describing.

Is your wife having sex with this man? We do not know. Many here think that of course she is. Some of us, like me, really have no idea. But I do know that in marriage you cannot have a healthy marriage if you don't both feel safe and honored.

It seems to me that you must have thought your wife was hiding something from you or you wouldn't have read her journal. Did you have a feel that she had sex with him in the past or do you have a gut feeling that she is having sex with him now?

If your wife is having sex with the man, that would mean that she's been hiding it all along and has no intention of telling you about it. The only way to know for sure would be if you caught them at it, but it can be impossible to prove that someone isn't doing something.

Did you read her entire diary or only part of it? Does she still keep a diary?


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## hylton7

put your foot down bro tell her to stop lying


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## sokillme

Just end it. Don't even tell her why. Just tell her you made a mistake and are not really feeling it anymore. You don't need the drama and frankly she dosn't even deserve to know. You owe her nothing. You can be the one who got away.


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## LaReine

I'm still friends with an ex but I was honest with my husband about our past.

Lying about it isn't ok but that doesn't make her a cheat 


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## MattMatt

@Chris0987 before you go all nuclear on her, you need to establish what really happened.

Is her diary a true record or a girl's fantasy about what she imagined happening but never actually took place?

Why did you feel it necessary to read her diary? This is a serious question. Did you have bad vibes about her and this friend of hers? And did you feel a compulsion to check the truth for yourself?

Were you expecting to learn she had had sex with this friend?

Did you not trust her? If so, why?

Of course, reading her private diary just because you could is not (as you are aware) a particularly noble thing to do, however, it has got you information that she could have lied to you.

And this, combined with the fact that she is still having some sort of relationship with a man who she lied to you about never having sex with, might give you grounds for reevaluating your marriage.

Is it fixable? Possibly. But it will take work, by the both of you.


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## uhtred

Do I understand correctly, that she had sex with some other guy before you were married. Had she told you she was a virgin? I understand that she said she didn't have sex with this particular guy, but a lot of people are shy talking about their previous sexual activities.

Is there any evidence that she has cheated after you were married, or is this all about things that happened earlier?


It sounds like she had great sex with some guy, but didn't want to spend her life with him. Its a hard thing to hear, but its also very common - i have to assume that a lot of people at some point in their past had great sex but where other things weren't right in the long term.


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## Tatsuhiko

I don't understand why everyone is implying she's a cheater. Yes, she lied about sex that she had before she was with Chris0987. She probably did so because she didn't want Chris to disrespect her or break up with her. Yes, it was wrong to lie, but we don't know if she's actively cheating.

If I were Chris, I would not confront again. If she is cheating, then the confrontations only serve to make her hide it better. He needs to do his detective work to find out if she is actively cheating. That means putting a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in the car, especially when his wife is hanging out with the other guy.

FYI, I think your wife sees a "bad boy" in this other guy, which some women find very appealing. You don't have these characteristics because you are stable and kind.


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## JayDee7

She is lying to you that nothing happened with this loser guy so she can still be in contact with him. She had sex with him twice that you know of. Why would she want to remain friends with him if it means she has to lie to you about their friendship? When you leave her, who do you think will be there for her? Drunk loser is sticking around for a reason and she keeps him around for a reason. I'd be cautious.


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## SunCMars

Elizabeth001 said:


> Wtf does a diary anymore?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Oh, my Dear...

It is called 'Journaling' by this generation.

A lot of TAMMERs do this.

You and I are doing it now by commenting here....

Uh, huh..

Just Sayin'


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## Evinrude58

Tatsuhiko said:


> I don't understand why everyone is implying she's a cheater. Yes, she lied about sex that she had before she was with Chris0987. She probably did so because she didn't want Chris to disrespect her or break up with her. Yes, it was wrong to lie, but we don't know if she's actively cheating.
> 
> If I were Chris, I would not confront again. If she is cheating, then the confrontations only serve to make her hide it better. He needs to do his detective work to find out if she is actively cheating. That means putting a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in the car, especially when his wife is hanging out with the other guy.
> 
> FYI, I think your wife sees a "bad boy" in this other guy, which some women find very appealing. You don't have these characteristics because you are stable and kind.


My thoughts:

I am not implying she is a cheater. I'm SAYING that I think she is possibly cheating, but almost positively wanting to cheat.
Why? Because I disagree with your conclusion about why she lied about the sex with the drunk. 
I think she lied because she wanted to "hang out" with the drunk again, and have sex with him with no suspicions from her husband.

She has lied and said she didn't have sex with the guy. OP said she had quite a write-up about sex with the drunk, and basically nothing about sex with OP. Sounds to me like she's not only lying about the sex, but wanting more. Why, because not only did she have sex with him, apparently it was the best sex she ever had.

I think OP has found out that his WIFE is willing to lie about sex with other men. She is asking if she can hang out with her male "friend" that she has no sexual attraction for. And now OP KNOWS that is not the case. Why does she need to "hang out" with another man? 

I have an idea: She can get a JOB and contribute to the family while OP is working. And she should get a good JOB because OP is going to need her to be employed when she cheats with the drunk and OP has to divorce her.

I'm not implying she's a cheater. I'm saying she is wanting to become a cheater. Same thing? Yeah, probably so.

She's a liar. She is wanting to hang out with an ex bf while her husband is working. That's not a wife I'd want.
JMO


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## Evinrude58

OP, how long have you been married? How long has she been hanging out with the drunk since you've been married?

Last of all, why doesn't she have a job. Idle hands are the devil's workshop. You should know that these days, if you have a stay at home wife and ever have to get divorced, you're going to pay to maintain her lifestyle for the rest of your life. I would demand your wife get a job, at the very least, along with no more drunk friend. period.

And you might really consider a VAR in her car so you get the truth about what HAS been going on with drunk friend.


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## Elizabeth001

SunCMars said:


> Oh, my Dear...
> 
> It is called 'Journaling' by this generation.
> 
> A lot of TAMMERs do this.
> 
> You and I are doing it now by commenting here....
> 
> Uh, huh..
> 
> Just Sayin'




Yes...like blogging. But paper and pen? Still? 


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## Yeswecan

Chris0987 said:


> Hi long story short when me and wife met she had a guy friend. She told me they have never had sex or even touched and she would like to continue to hang out with him. So I end up finding out they have had sex and she told friend how good it was. She doesn?t know I know and yes I have proof it has happened. It was before we got married but should I tell her I know and she don?t need to talk to him anymore?


More so the issue is your W lied. No, you can not trust your W.


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## Vinnydee

I lost my first fiancé and an ex girlfriend to a guy friend. I learned my lesson. When it comes to men and women, trust no one. Many guys will have sex with any women who even hints that she is interested. Men and women are hard wired to seek out the best mates, not just one mate. Most species are non monogamous. Society imposed monogamy as a means to bring order to the world. It is not our natural genetic programming.

I can tell you how it goes based on my two experiences. What starts out as friends turns into a shoulder to cry on. The first time your partner has a fight with you, she goes to her male friend for consolation. He will take her side every time and thus a bond starts to form. She may even like him as a friend due to a subconscious sexual attraction. Both men and women are genetically designed to seek out the most and best mates to pass along their genes. So there can be a sexual attraction below the surface.

That is what happened to my two exes. They were into the same music or whatever and every time they felt down or we had an argument, they had a friend to go to who would say they are right and I was wrong. Soon they got closer, smoked a joint or two and next thing you know, with lowered inhibitions, they did what they both knew that they wanted to do in the first place. 

I am married 45 years and there was never a need for my wife to have a male friend. Listen to this. We played cards with a married couple who were our best friends for 3 years. The husband was my wife's card playing partner and they got pretty close during the card games. Then one night he asks us to wife swap and my wife says yes. She was pretty stoned and her inhibitions were down but she did want to have sex with him. I really did not care for his wife sexually. She was older and had 2 kids that destroyed her body. I gave her a quick oral orgasm and then watched my wife. My wife just laid there until the guy was done and then we went home. On the ride home my wife said that she hated it and wished it never happened. She made me swear to never do a wife swap again. He got what he wanted and after he learned that my wife was not interested in a repeat performance, he never called us again. 

I have learned the hard way to never trust anyone when it comes to sex. My best man at my wedding let his wife hang with her old group of males and females after he married. Sure enough she had sex with one of the guys and divorced my friend. If you let her continue to see her male friend, you will have only yourself to blame. Your decision to make, not ours. I have know enough men to know how they think.


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## Yeswecan

Chris0987 said:


> Funny you ask.. she has nothing about even meeting me when we first met. But talks about the drunk sex they had. She goes in detail of how he stripped her down like she got off writing it. More I read everyone?s post and think I?m about done with this marriage. My wife is cute but not worth always having to wonder if she is lying about working and out with him.


Now you are getting it. Lies that come easy for your W to say with a straight face. That will be problematic in the future as at this juncture as your W has lost any credibility.


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## Yeswecan

Tatsuhiko said:


> I don't understand why everyone is implying she's a cheater. Yes, she lied about sex that she had before she was with Chris0987. She probably did so because she didn't want Chris to disrespect her or break up with her. Yes, it was wrong to lie, but we don't know if she's actively cheating.
> 
> If I were Chris, I would not confront again. If she is cheating, then the confrontations only serve to make her hide it better. He needs to do his detective work to find out if she is actively cheating. That means putting a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in the car, especially when his wife is hanging out with the other guy.
> 
> FYI, I think your wife sees a "bad boy" in this other guy, which some women find very appealing. You don't have these characteristics because you are stable and kind.


The W is still hanging around with the OM she had sex with, lied to Chris0987 about it and carries on like nothing happened. 

It is the lie and continued contact with OM.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Keeping him in the back pocket for a rainy day...

Were you exclusive with your wife when she hooked up with him and the other guy? Slightly mitigating but does not excuse the fact that she has lied to you with a straight face AND maintained contact with him. That he feels it is ok to call her "whenever" is a red flag. 

Copy diary entries and confront. Tell her you would never have violated her diary privacy but for the fact your found out through a third party that she was lying to your face. Ask her point blank, why would she lie about sex with a man AND maintain communications with a ex ? Might be worth lying to her and say this all started because someone seen them together acting and noticed they were a little touchy feely for her being married to you..


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## Evinrude58

Under no circumstances do you EVER give up your source of information. Carry that info to your grave.


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## harrybrown

just tell her since she wants her friendship more than her marriage, three does not work in any marriage.

have her sign a post nup, file for D and have her walk over to the OM's apartment.


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## LaReine

Photocopy the journal entries about him and put them somewhere safe

Confront her about it, say you have hard proof but do not say what. If she insists on seeing it, tell her you will show her when she is fully honest with you.
Chances are she will maintain the lie and get rid of the diary (she will rightly suspect this is your source). 
You then tell her that you cannot be ok with her maintaining a friendship with this man. That she has a choice- her former lover or her husband. 
Tell her that her lying about her former relationship has called everything into question and her continuing to lie about it (if she does) make you question your future.
Then refuse to discuss it for a few days.

Bring it up again and ask her outright if she ever had sex with this man. Her answer will determine your path.


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## ButtPunch

She's gonna say that she wrote that about OM to test you to see if you would read her diary or not.

Never ever ever give up your source ever.


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## Chris0987

Thanks so much for all the replys. Here is other thing my wife does work and his home is on her way home from work so I have no clue if she is stopping by his home on her way home. I believe it has finally came down to me or him. This has bothered me all day so today I called her friend that I got the info from and asked if she has heard anything new. She didn?t want to say at first but in short he told her he could have her ***** anytime he wanted. So I think it?s finally time to draw the line but would like to hear some opinions first. Im thinking sit her down tell her cut it off now and first time I hear of you even saying a word to him I?m done. I spoke to her father today. And he about lost it to. Asked why she was still talking to that piece of **** and he is about to tell her off hisself. I asked him to stay quiet till I decided what to do. He agreed.


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## sokillme

I think trying to make someone be into you who is not, at least not as much as she is into him is a fool's errand. I think your wife is what I call a silly person. If you just end it and brake up with her then you will instantly jump into the role that this guy has, which is pathetic. But then you will be the object of desperation and desire. The truth is it not about him or you it's about her brokenness, she is one of these people who has wanderlust and chronic insecurity. You are still young you can have a very good life without all the drama. I have read this thread too many times before, they never really get better. Face it your wife is just not marriage material. Don't settle on being plan b.


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## LaReine

Chris0987 said:


> Thanks so much for all the replys. Here is other thing my wife does work and his home is on her way home from work so I have no clue if she is stopping by his home on her way home. I believe it has finally came down to me or him. This has bothered me all day so today I called her friend that I got the info from and asked if she has heard anything new. She didn?t want to say at first but in short he told her he could have her ***** anytime he wanted. So I think it?s finally time to draw the line but would like to hear some opinions first. Im thinking sit her down tell her cut it off now and first time I hear of you even saying a word to him I?m done. I spoke to her father today. And he about lost it to. Asked why she was still talking to that piece of **** and he is about to tell her off hisself. I asked him to stay quiet till I decided what to do. He agreed.




No don't leave ambiguity. There is no "first time I hear of you and him". There is only "him or me". 

Make sure you continue to refer to him as her former lover, not her friend. There must be no doubt that you are aware of their past.


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## Sports Fan

You need to take a firm stand. Sit her down and make it crystal clear to her that her friendship with him has come to an end. Tell her if she fails to end contact with him you are done and will file for Divorce. (However do not let this be an empty threat. You must be prepared to follow through cause if you dont you will lose all credibility and you will be her laughing stock).

If she asks why the sudden change of heart from you let her know that you do not accept her hanging out with former lovers. Dont confess to reading the diary just tell her you know she is a liar and leave it at that.

We have all been through this kind of stuff in one way or another so take the advice of the people on here.


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## Chris0987

Sports fan... I totally agree. More think about it he is telling people like I heard today he can have her anytime he wants. Knowing her being married he is basically saying I?m a joke he don?t care we are married and she is his when he wants. I?m really curious what her reaction will be. Hell she might say fine I?m leaving. If so that seals the deal for sure.


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## Chris0987

So update I just told her she needs cut it out I don?t like it at all. Told her I trust her but not him. She acted surprised but said ok but I feel sorry for him. He has no car and I take him to the store. Lol I had no idea she did that new news to me. Told her that?s his problem shouldnt have drank drive over and over. She agreed said she would tell him. So just now he messages me on Facebook saying he is sorry I dont trust him. Told him yea I dont so find someone else dude. So he changes his attitude and says ask your wife where she was Saturday night. I told him have good night and showed her the message. She got pissed and messaged him in front of me saying wow trying ruin my marriage by lying. He said lol ok play dumb in front of him. So now I?m at the point of is he lying or is she.


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## manwithnoname

Chris0987 said:


> So update I just told her she needs cut it out I don?t like it at all. Told her I trust her but not him. She acted surprised but said ok but I feel sorry for him. He has no car and I take him to the store. Lol I had no idea she did that new news to me. Told her that?s his problem shouldnt have drank drive over and over. She agreed said she would tell him. So just now he messages me on Facebook saying he is sorry I dont trust him. Told him yea I dont so find someone else dude. So he changes his attitude and says ask your wife where she was Saturday night. I told him have good night and showed her the message. She got pissed and messaged him in front of me saying wow trying ruin my marriage by lying. He said lol ok play dumb in front of him. So now I?m at the point of is he lying or is she.



If she was not with him on Saturday, he was just trying to **** with your mind, hoping you didn't know where she was. 

If she wasn't with you, she likely was with him.


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## Chris0987

I just now blocked him he said just saying she had pink bra and yes she has a pink bra. I told her what he said she said ok he asked me often what I was wearing and sometimes I told him but that night he asked and I said pink bra and not answering the panty part. I asked point blank did you have sex cause I will find out. She swore she hasn?t with him since we have been married but did say he has asked few times and she said no stop asking. What mess. Do not know what to believe.


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## Chris0987

She worked Saturday I know for sure cause she called me several times from hospital saying it was a slow night. But again his house is on her way home.


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## sokillme

Chris0987 said:


> So update I just told her she needs cut it out I don?t like it at all. Told her I trust her but not him. She acted surprised but said ok but I feel sorry for him. He has no car and I take him to the store. Lol I had no idea she did that new news to me. Told her that?s his problem shouldnt have drank drive over and over. She agreed said she would tell him. So just now he messages me on Facebook saying he is sorry I dont trust him. Told him yea I dont so find someone else dude. So he changes his attitude and says ask your wife where she was Saturday night. I told him have good night and showed her the message. She got pissed and messaged him in front of me saying wow trying ruin my marriage by lying. He said lol ok play dumb in front of him. So now I?m at the point of is he lying or is she.


Guess you like the drama. I tried to warn you but seems you want the long drawn out process. All you have to do is read these boards for and realize it's a pattern. Being married to women like your wife always follows a pattern. You are getting a taste of what it will now be like. This can go on for days or for years your choice. At least tell her that you know they had sex (BUT DON'T TELL HER HOW YOU KNOW). See how she reacts.


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## manwithnoname

Is it a regular shift? Did she get home in a timely manner? If so, can you find out if she left work early?


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## manwithnoname

It seems to me he's telling the truth, to try and break you up because he can't have her anymore. She's lying to try to keep the wool over your eyes.


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## sokillme

Chris0987 said:


> She worked Saturday I know for sure cause she called me several times from hospital saying it was a slow night. But again his house is on her way home.


Call her work and ask if she worked Saturday. You know for sure because she called you from the hospital? And you know it was the hospital because SHE told you that was were she was? Was it the land line from the hospital that said hospital on you cell? Come on dude you know the truth. Face it.


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## sokillme

I like to use this thread to point out how pathetic affair partners are. This loser can't get a decent women to like him so he has to go messing and trying to brake up someone else marriage. What a joke he is. Not a real man. OP let her have him.


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## Chris0987

she got home same time as always. I think her friend knows more than she is telling me. Going call her tomorrow and see if I can get more info. And no don?t like drama but this is my wife and hate to throw her out if she hasnt done anything. Wouldnt want that done to me if it was other way around. She is being very apologetic. Told her you started the mess.


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## Chris0987

Yes its same 2 numbers she has used for last 5 years she has worked there. So definitely was hospital


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## sokillme

See if you can get her cellphone. If she makes backups of it on your computer you can use that. Put a Voice Activated recorder in her car. Just telling you this follows the same pattern as all the other ones. You have more red flags then a junior soccer match right now.


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## Chris0987

I?ve called it back before and it is hospital


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## Evinrude58

A man asks you where your wife was Saturday night, and tells you what color bra she was wearing?

Facts, according to you:

She asked you to hang out with him.
She lied and says they've never had sex.
She now says he has asked her for sex more than once.
Her friend is giving you all kinds of negative info about her friend, your wife, pertaining to another man.
She was not with YOU Saturday night.
She wrote down how great sex was with him.

I don't know if your wife is cheating. But the guy she asked you to hang out with, she has admitted asks her for sex regularly.
Do you want a wife who WANTS to hang out with a man who asks her for sex?

What do you expect of her friend? She's told you all you can expect a friend of HERS that do. I'm surprised she's told you what she has. Do you expect her friend that provide you with pictures of your wife having sex with the guy? Hasn't the fact that she's telling you anything told you that there's probably lots she is not willing to tell, that she wants you to discover yourself?

I don't know your wife has cheated. It doesn't look good. What is certain is that your wife has admitted to wanting to hang out with a past lover she thought was great in bed and is still asking her for sex. Just the fact that she wants to hang out with him is pretty damning to me.

VAR. VAR. VAR.

You need one badly.

and if you divorced her just over what you KNOW, I would say you did the smart thing.

Your wife is a proven liar. You should trust nothing she says.


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## SunCMars

I cannot get away from that Saturday night.

She met up with him, drove him somewhere, or back from somewhere, maybe before or after work. Or she left early.

She had contact with him on Saturday. 

At minimum, he opened her blouse, had his way with her boobs. Some heavy petting.
Maybe sex in her car. A quickee.

And she let him.

She let him and kept quiet about it until you brought it to light.

She is trickle truthing you.

Talk to the girlfriend, tell her the OM has admitted to sex with her on Saturday. Tell her to please be honest, you will not reveal your source [her].


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## LaReine

Chris0987 said:


> So update I just told her she needs cut it out I don?t like it at all. Told her I trust her but not him. She acted surprised but said ok but I feel sorry for him. He has no car and I take him to the store. Lol I had no idea she did that new news to me. Told her that?s his problem shouldnt have drank drive over and over. She agreed said she would tell him. So just now he messages me on Facebook saying he is sorry I dont trust him. Told him yea I dont so find someone else dude. So he changes his attitude and says ask your wife where she was Saturday night. I told him have good night and showed her the message. She got pissed and messaged him in front of me saying wow trying ruin my marriage by lying. He said lol ok play dumb in front of him. So now I?m at the point of is he lying or is she.




You said this previously so not sure why taking him to the store is news to you? 



Chris0987 said:


> I think in most part he uses her cause he has no license from all the DUI?s.




Anyway I can't be sure, obviously, but he could be lying. Some men do not handle rejection well (if at all) and lash out.


Please stop asking her friend for info as it is putting the friend in a horrible position. The friend will face serious backlash.

I could reason away the bra thing by saying he guessed a colour and she owns one that colour (omg a girl has pink!) but for her to say that she sometimes tells him the colour of her intimate wear??? That's ****ed up


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## LaReine

Chris0987 said:


> So update I just told her she needs cut it out I don?t like it at all. Told her I trust her but not him. She acted surprised but said ok but I feel sorry for him. He has no car and I take him to the store. Lol I had no idea she did that new news to me. Told her that?s his problem shouldnt have drank drive over and over. She agreed said she would tell him. So just now he messages me on Facebook saying he is sorry I dont trust him. Told him yea I dont so find someone else dude. So he changes his attitude and says ask your wife where she was Saturday night. I told him have good night and showed her the message. She got pissed and messaged him in front of me saying wow trying ruin my marriage by lying. He said lol ok play dumb in front of him. So now I?m at the point of is he lying or is she.




You said this previously so not sure why taking him to the store is news to you? 



Chris0987 said:


> I think in most part he uses her cause he has no license from all the DUI?s.




Anyway I can't be sure, obviously, but he could be lying. Some men do not handle rejection well (if at all) and lash out.


Please stop asking her friend for info as it is putting the friend in a horrible position. The friend will face serious backlash.

I could reason away the bra thing by saying he guessed a colour and she owns one that colour (omg a girl has pink!) but for her to say that she sometimes tells him the colour of her intimate wear??? That's ****ed up


ETA: you need to sit down and write this out.

1. A and B never had sex
2. B's house is on the way home from A's work
3. A drives B around as B has no licence
4. A and B spend a lot of time together 
5. A and B have had sex in the past
6. A attempts to cut contact with B
7. B lashes out 
8. A states that she tells B colours of her intimate wear when asked

Hand it to your wife and ask her what it looks like.

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Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## LaReine

You know what.... if they have been having sex during your relationship, why would he throw that out there?
Because if they are engaged in an affair, it wouldn't end just like that- she'd likely sneak over and he would know that.

So either they were not having an affair and he is pissed that now he has no chance and no driver, or they were and he thinks it's over fully....

He's a drink yes? I doubt he would have the mental faculties to play you, so chances are he lashed out. 
Unfortunately that doesn't make it impossible that they were having sex.


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## Evinrude58

I don't know what the big deal is... all my lady friends tell me the color of their bra and panties regularly. 

Yeah, that's normal. She's not screwing him.
And I also ask my married lady friends for sex, just because I like to be rejected, and because....... well hell, I can't think of a reason... I just do it.

This is all crazy. Throw in the wife's friend that hears the dude say he could have your wife in bed anytime.....,

Makes zero sense.

And we have a handwritten diary that the wife just leaves laying around with intimate details for all to read at their leisure..,,.

Hmmm. Something is fishy


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## ButtPunch

He's telling the truth.

Sorry Bro but she's cheating with him.

Do you have kids? 

I would cut your losses and let him have her.

I know it's hard to do but these situations only get worse.

Do you have children together?

This thread needs to be moved to Coping with Infidelity.


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## JayDee7

Sorry buddy, it is over. What type of wife keeps hanging with a guy used to sleep with but told you she never did. He asks for sex from a married woman and she keeps hanging out with him and does him favors. She admits that she tells him the color of her bra, what type of wife does what she has admitted to? Even if he is lying, what she admits to is bad enough. Move on.
Let her have what she wants, don't hold her back from being with this loser. She made her decisions, not you.


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## MattMatt

How could he find out what bra she was wearing?

Besides seeing it, I mean.

"Arevyou wearing a white bra?"

"No. I am wearing a pink bra, today."


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## Yeswecan

Chris0987 said:


> she got home same time as always. I think her friend knows more than she is telling me. Going call her tomorrow and see if I can get more info. And no don?t like drama but this is my wife and hate to throw her out if she hasnt done anything. Wouldnt want that done to me if it was other way around. She is being very apologetic. Told her you started the mess.


Here is the deal. It is up to your W to set the record straight. This will be difficult as your W is known to lie. I suspect the driving around and helping out is a lie as well. Concerning the pink bra, possible the POSOM simply saw it under her shirt or is taking a wild guess(and a good chance the guess is right) to get your mind going. 

Personally, I think only the tip of the iceberg has been seen. The friend knows more than is letting on. Your W has been lying about other things.


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## Nucking Futs

Just polygraph and be done with it one way or the other.


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## SunCMars

Evinrude58 said:


> I don't know what the big deal is... all my lady friends tell me the color of their bra and panties regularly.
> 
> Yeah, that's normal. She's not screwing him.
> And I also ask my married lady friends for sex, just because I like to be rejected, and because....... well hell, I can't think of a reason... I just do it.
> 
> This is all crazy. Throw in the wife's friend that hears the dude say he could have your wife in bed anytime.....,
> 
> Makes zero sense.
> 
> And we have a handwritten diary that the wife just leaves laying around with intimate details for all to read at their leisure..,,.
> 
> Hmmm. Something is fishy


For it was fishy. Seven perch and one huge drum fish.

Is OP's story fishy?

Maybe, but thin, no fatty tales.


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## SunCMars

There is only thing I am absolutely positive about.

The drunken, lazy, big mouthed EX Bf needs his ass handed to him.


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## Elizabeth001

SunCMars said:


> For it was fishy. Seven perch and one huge drum fish.
> 
> 
> 
> Is OP's story fishy?
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe, but thin, no fatty tales.




I’m not biting. lol


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## Tatsuhiko

Let this thread be a lesson to those who suspect their spouse of cheating. As I warned several pages back, do not confront too early. Sit tight and gather evidence: texts, call records, VAR recordings, physical surveillance. Now OP is in a position where he'll spend the rest of his life wondering what happened on Saturday night.


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## drifting on

Chris

You say when you met she had this guy friend, later you say she says she hasn't ever had sex with him. You know this to be a lie, a friend might possibly have more information. You have spoken to this friend who has told you OM can have your wife whenever he wishes. You want to question this friend more and not just blow up your marriage unless she cheated. So I guess the question is how do you find this out now that you have tipped your hat so to speak about OM. You have told your wife to no longer contact OM, who then says ask her where she was Saturday night. 

OM then says she wore a pink bra, your wife responds, now you're trying to wreck my marriage? How angry was your wife? How much did she deny this? How angry is your wife at OM for saying this? You see, to me she didn't confirm or deny anything. In fact, she set herself up for you to question her hard. The wreck my marriage comment is weak at best. She should have attacked OM like a savage wolf saying OM will never see her bra. That she doesn't own a pink bra, even if she did. How would OM know she owns a pink bra? This could have been him reaching or him knowing the full truth that she does own a pink bra. 

I think your wife is mad in the moment of the bra and Saturday night comment. So since your wife knows you suspect, you are behind the eight ball so to speak. Can you call the hospital and confirm the time she left on Saturday? What does your wife do at the hospital? I ask because sometimes nursing staff is sent home according to census. Other positions don't always send home employees due to census, such as cafeteria workers, security, valet, lab, etc.. Also some hospitals can have the employee print their payroll and time sheets depending on the time and attendance system.

The fact you didn't know she was driving him around says much more. Obviously she has not told you many things she has done for OM. From having sex to driving miss daisy around, this you need to sit your wife down and find out why. Why she has kept this all a secret. Why she has lied to you so easily and willingly. Why she is still in your home and not staying with her father. 

It's been mentioned by @Nucking Futs that you need to polygraph your wife. I'm in complete agreement with the polygraph, start trying to find one now. Do not tell your wife, book it, and then tell her you're going to lunch and drive her there. Once you get there tell your wife the polygraph will decide your marriage. If she refuses, the marriage ends, if she fails the marriage ends, if she confesses to cheating through your marriage and passes you will let her know about the marriage. Find an examiner that works with police departments, the better the examiner the better the results. 

How long have you been married? How long did you date? How long were you engaged? Does she still currently wrote in this diary? 

Best of luck to you.


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## Malaise

drifting on said:


> OM then says she wore a pink bra, your wife responds, now you're trying to wreck my marriage? How angry was your wife? How much did she deny this? How angry is your wife at OM for saying this? You see, to me she didn't confirm or deny anything. In fact, she set herself up for you to question her hard. *The wreck my marriage comment is weak at best*. *She should have attacked OM like a savage wolf saying OM will never see her bra.* That she doesn't own a pink bra, even if she did. How would OM know she owns a pink bra? This could have been him reaching or him knowing the full truth that she does own a pink bra.
> 
> Best of luck to you.


So right. She should have gone all MOAB on his butt.

The poly is a good idea.


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## Sports Fan

Unfortunately she is trickle truthing and gas lighting you BIG TIME.

From an outsiders perspective. And as i stated before most of us here have gone through this shi...t. 

She has lied to you, openly hangs out with a bloke that cracks on to her and asks her for sex. 

She drops by his house and drives him around to run his errands of which you were not told she does this. He knows what bra she wears. 

Im sorry to say he is probably being truthful. He owes you nothing. He has nothing to lose by lying to you. Your wife on the other hand has everything to lose.

Remove yourself from the situation and imagine your best mate was telling you this as part of his problems. What would your response be?

Your wife is lying.


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## drifting on

Sports Fan said:


> Unfortunately she is trickle truthing and gas lighting you BIG TIME.
> 
> From an outsiders perspective. And as i stated before most of us here have gone through this shi...t.
> 
> She has lied to you, openly hangs out with a bloke that cracks on to her and asks her for sex.
> 
> She drops by his house and drives him around to run his errands of which you were not told she does this. He knows what bra she wears.
> 
> Im sorry to say he is probably being truthful. He owes you nothing. He has nothing to lose by lying to you. Your wife on the other hand has everything to lose.
> 
> Remove yourself from the situation and imagine your best mate was telling you this as part of his problems. What would your response be?
> 
> Your wife is lying.




Quoted for truth.

As a betrayed spouse myself, I couldn't wrap my head around things either. But I will say this, TAM without any member ever knowing, showed me how to look at infidelity. I read threads until two and three in the morning and then up at five am for work. I completely submersed myself to learn and learn fast. Finally my gut began to subside, I had my plan of attack to finally get the most important confession of my life. I got it, and it was very difficult. 

I can imagine your wife is starting to say things to you, about OM. Let me know if she has used any of these lines yet. How about you cant trust OM, he's a drunk. Are you going to believe me or OM? How could you trust OM more then me? He's obviously lying, I was at work at all day? He's just causing me trouble with you as he now can't get around town. 

But here is what you need to see, even if she said all of that above, why couldn't she give him up? Why not tell you she drove him around to do his errands? Why would he say, ask her where she was Saturday night? What is it about this guy she can't let go of? The guy has nothing to offer, but your wife hangs on to him, more ferociously then she denied the the Saturday night and pink bra comment. This is what you need to attack, as she didn't attack OM for a reason, she will continue contact. 

OP, you need to ask your wife to go live with her father, because he doesn't like OM either. Either way, your wife needs to be rattled hard right now.


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## Evinrude58

I believe a woman can't love two men at once very often. Most likely, her feelings for you are eroded. Absent, even, as far as romantic feelings. Basically, if she wanting to screw the drunk, she is unlikely very much into screwing you.

You are finding out your wife's tendencies to swing toward romancing other men at an early age, before you even have kids with her.

If you don't let her go to her ne'er-do-well, you are making the second biggest mistake of your life. She's only gonna pick a new one to cheat with in the future while you get second best sex, at best, and likely walking papers when she finds a wealthier one.

Looking at this logically: Why is a decent woman wanting to "hang out" with a drunkard with no job and no car? 
Answer: she is what she is; what she is not, is marriage material.

It will hurt to get rid of her. It will nearly kill you to have kids and a future tied up in her and she rips your heart out with the next guy. I really believe that's what will happen.


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## jlg07

@Chris0987, just checking in to see how things are going? Have you found more information from her friend? Have you VAR'd her car/your house? I hope that she was just not keeping good boundaries, but .....


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## GusPolinski

Should you trust someone that has spent (presumably) years lying to you about the nature of her relationship with a former lover?

Probably not.


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## Slartibartfast

..


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