# Separated One Year; Frustrated and Confused



## So Frustrated (Jul 1, 2012)

I want to thank everyone for their posts. I am new to this forum and am in a similar situation. I have been separated for 1 year after 30 years of marriage. No affairs on either side. In the past few years I made some bad decisions, had some bad luck and then kept financial matters (including borrowing money from friends and family to survive) from my family trying to protect them. When my wife found out she moved out and said she needed time and space. (Our kids are grown)

3 months ago we went to 2 counseling sessions and she then decided she wanted to concentrate on herself. There is little or no communication. I have bent over backwards to accomodate her and have been giving her money every month.

I am extremely guilt ridden. My psychiatrist, therapist and members of my "separation/divorce therapy group" (all women but me), tell me to stand up for myself and even though I made mistakes I am a good person and to quote them "I am not my mistakes"

I am in limbo, frustrated and sad. I could use some opinions of the best way to move on.

Thank you


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

So Frustrated said:


> I want to thank everyone for their posts. I am new to this forum and am in a similar situation. I have been separated for 1 year after 30 years of marriage. No affairs on either side. In the past few years I made some bad decisions, had some bad luck and then kept financial matters (including borrowing money from friends and family to survive) from my family trying to protect them. When my wife found out she moved out and said she needed time and space. (Our kids are grown)
> 
> 3 months ago we went to 2 counseling sessions and she then decided she wanted to concentrate on herself. There is little or no communication. I have bent over backwards to accomodate her and have been giving her money every month.
> 
> ...


SoFrus: Welcome to TAM! Absolutely hate to see you here, but you couldn't have come to a better place! Not only will all of us try to chip in and extend some heartfelt advice, but I would greatly expect you to jump right in a help someone else seeking answers that you may well know. It's definitely therapeutic on both the giving as well as the receiving side.

Like you, my separation and impending divorce is some 13 months old now. Unlike you, mine does involve adultery that I just found out about. The cone of silence that my STBXW has put up is deafening. She won't talk to me and in like respect, I have done the 180 and won't talk to her.

You can read my lengthy litany when you have time. But for now, look out for yourself because it's doubtful that anyone else will. I as well as the other TAM'ers will be here for you!

God's peace to you, my friend. I know exactly what you're going through!


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## An72 (Jul 1, 2012)

Honestly, there is no possibility of “moving on” when you try to “hang on”. Is not easy to forget 30 years – but no one is ask you that either. Why you are giving her money??? If she wants to move on and concentrate on her self – I suppose she is big girl and could do precisely that – concentrate on her self and move on! The times are financially heavy enough and if you are giving money I presume you should give it to your children – at least they would be grateful from theirs heart for it. I have no idea do you believe in something, but I think you still looking for an answers why something happened… stop doing this for now…try to bring humility in your heart and soul in order to do the right things for your self and the people that respect and love you….what was – was – nothing can change that!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

So Frustrated said:


> I want to thank everyone for their posts. I am new to this forum and am in a similar situation. I have been separated for 1 year after 30 years of marriage. No affairs on either side. In the past few years I made some bad decisions, had some bad luck and then kept financial matters (including borrowing money from friends and family to survive) from my family trying to protect them. When my wife found out she moved out and said she needed time and space. (Our kids are grown)
> 
> 3 months ago we went to 2 counseling sessions and she then decided she wanted to concentrate on herself. There is little or no communication. I have bent over backwards to accomodate her and have been giving her money every month.
> 
> ...


She lost trust in you. I have been w/ my stbx for 27 yrs before he walked out more than 6 mos ago. We have 3 grown children but three 5-8 yrs old. I have given my stbx opportunities to come back. I have since cut them off and filed. You did what you had to do maybe file and push it. Limboland sucks! Can you quit giving her money and providing for her so she can see what it's like when you have bills to be paid and desperate? Does she work? 

Stand up to her is right. She may respect you more if you do. She lost respect for you when you lied to her / didn't treat her like a partner when you hid financial difficulties from her. My stbx has done that to me numerous times and it really hurt our marriage. 

Look into the 180, pick what you need to do to heal yourself. You are hurt by her decisions. Don't be a victim.


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## So Frustrated (Jul 1, 2012)

She does work, part time. I cannot get over she is an innocent victim of my bad judgment and that eats at me.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

So Frustrated said:


> She does work, part time. I cannot get over she is an innocent victim of my bad judgment and that eats at me.


In your state, do you think you'd have to pay spousal support?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

So Frustrated said:


> She does work, part time. I cannot get over she is an innocent victim of my bad judgment and that eats at me.


SF,

Innocent victim or not the vows state "for better or for worse".

If she wants to be on her own and not married to you then after that many years she owes you the truth. 

And yes, lying to her was wrong but 2 wrongs do not make it right.

Time for you to show her that you are moving on with her or without her.

Stop financing her. If she left because of lying about the finances then do not lie to her when she asks you why you are not sending her money anymore.

Tell her the money went to the lawyer to file for the divorce.

I promise she will get the message.

Get your balls back, stop feeling guilty and start being the guy you were all those years ago. 

HM64


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## So Frustrated (Jul 1, 2012)

HM64,

Thanks for your response. I know you are right but it's so hard for me to abandon her after 30 years.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SF,

You got it wrong buddy.

*She abandoned you.*

I know you love her. I know you miss her.

And I know how guilty you feel but if there is no communication and she is still busy working on herself then there is no marriage.

That is my .02 cents.

HM64


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

All you are doing by dwelling in the past, is ruining today and tomorrow...learn from it and forget it, be the best person you can be today, and even better tomorrow...be the best dad you can be today, and even better tomorrow...but let go of the past, including your wife...she is part of the past, no matter what happens you can never go back to what was, so work on yourself, heal yourself...

Stop sending her money--as long as she accepts it, she too is living in the past and can't heal herself...you both need to let go...who knows what can or will happen in the future, maybe you will go your separate ways for good, or maybe your paths will twine together again...but if it does, it won't be because of what happened in the past, it will because both of you are working for a better future...better than anything you've every experienced before...

I've been there, had to let my wife go so I could heal myself...been separated 19 months...woke up next to my beautiful wife this morning, and if all goes to plan, she will be home for good later this fall!


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## So Frustrated (Jul 1, 2012)

I appreciate everyone's support and thoughts. Has anyone been through arbitration without attorneys?
SF


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## So Frustrated (Jul 1, 2012)

I meant to write arbitration or mediation


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Stop paying her to leave you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

So Frustrated said:


> I meant to write arbitration or mediation


Mediation worked very well in my first divorce. In my current situation, however, I would fully expect STBXW to go to the mat and actually go to trial(greatly provided it's a "no-fault" divorce) because she absolutely refuses to lose. If it get's to a "at-fault" hearing, however, there are things about her infidelity that she might not want coming out, more especially to her family. And when it's all said and done though, I would expect my attorney to tell STBXW's counsel that we'll walk away with no future claim on her wealth provided that they will agree to pay all of the legal fees on both sides!

But to answer your original question, if you're both somewhat open-minded, then definitely try the mediation process!


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## So Frustrated (Jul 1, 2012)

*Bills I Pay...Continue?*

Do I continue to pay for her health insurance, cell phone, auto insurance, etc...?


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

No ..

I paid the first month car insurance for her, after that I told her to get it off my account. Her cell phone as well, I paid the first month and that was it.

Nothing I can do about health insurance .. she keeps using it to buy her fvck pills, but we have to be divorced before then.

Plus, it may look 'decent' of me to keep her on it for now. She will buy the pills regardless and it doesn't cost me a thing.


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## So Frustrated (Jul 1, 2012)

What concerns me the most is how will our kids, although grown, handle the fact that I am cutting her off. I don't want to lose them too.


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