# my kids, their future marriage and indifelity



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

too late for me, but one of the fundamental problems I see about infidelity is that, for those that are married, are living in this "fantasy" mode thinking an affair will never happen to them. There are way too many couples out there thinking they are not that "type", and that their spouse could never do that to them, they are too religious, etc, etc.....well we all here know very well that --> *"oh yes they can!!!!"*.
I see so many failed attempts to get a recently betrayed spouse to take action for themselves (self included to some extent back then) , and I think they are in such shock they can hardly listen to anything...the right way to do this is to teach the knowledge for "prevention", not after the fact, then is too late.

so the question is, how much to teach my kids about infidelity, given it happened in my marriage (W affair)?? what do people opinions are about this and I was thinking, as much as possible, influence them to make sure they have a pre-nup in place when they do marry (if they do at all, which is also ok)....I want to make sure they do not become vulnerable not only to infidelity , but abuse and all sorts of things that can tear appart a marriage.....I think this is the right thing to do and how to use our bad experiences to pass on to our children but would like to find out how others think or things I havent thought of.....

How about you personally, as a BS, did you also really believe that you could have never cheated, before it happened to you?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I've been thinking about this too, as one of my kids in engaged and all 3 are in committed relationships.

I was quite open with them when it happened, about WHAT happened, and they all NEVER in a million years figured he could do what he did. So I know that did open their eyes, and hopefully they'll learn from my experience. But it's hard to find a chance to really talk with them about stuff. There always seems to be someone else around, or they're in the wrong mood, or don't have the time, or whatever.

I was thinking about buying them Not Just Friends, or something similar, and just giving it to them.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

This is exactly why, IMO, parents whose marriages and relationships that have been through the Hell of infidelity _should be_ discussing it w/ their kids.

And not just the couples that divorce, but also (and ESPECIALLY) those that a) choose to reconcile AND b) manage to successfully do so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

My Dad cheated and eventually I figured it out. They had been divorced a long time. None of that has kept me from cheating though, I would never do it. Didn't stop me from getting cheated on either. 

I would say teach your kids to have self worth. Teach them to have boundaries about what to expect in a relationship and to speak up if those boundaries are being crossed. Teach them to expect to be treated with respect at all times and to bail the first time someone doesn't. This should be a deal breaker period. These thing will weed out lots of people who would be looking for an easy target, and not just in marriage. 

Next teach them that marriage is not Disney, it doesn't solve all your problems and it won't give you ultimate fulfillment, they should not go into a marriage looking for that. In fact they should pretty much have gotten to that point (maybe not ultimate, but normal adult fulfillment that comes from within) before they get married. That if you have issues many times you bring that into the relationship and it only magnifies them, it doesn't solve them (it doesn't complete anyone).

Finally teach them to marry someone because they want to give themselves to a person not for what they get from that person. Commitment is a gift that you give to someone as long as they want it. They show that by their actions. All of this will make it easier to move on if such person turns into a cheater.

The bottom line it you can't protect your children from others but you can give them the skills to have the strength to survive what others do to them. 

Finally teach them to get there self worth from their own character and nothing else because that is the only thing the have complete control over.


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Next teach them that marriage is not Disney


very well put....

we are catholic and I recall before we married we had to go to this weekend thing, was mandatory before marriage was permitted by the church, forgot the actual name of it, some pre-marriage counseling or whatever...but never did they say anything about infidelity!! is like a forbidden topic to even be brought up....you go figure, as if it were something rare.

I was thinking, for my kids, setup a small bank account for each one of them that they can only use for legal fees towards a pre-nup agreement....sort of like a gift card for pre-nup only....incentive I guess, so they dont have excuses for not doing it.


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> This is exactly why, IMO, parents whose marriages and relationships that have been through the Hell of infidelity _should be_ discussing it w/ their kids.
> 
> And not just the couples that divorce, but also (and ESPECIALLY) those that a) choose to reconcile AND b) manage to successfully do so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


agree Gus, but discussions are just that, discussions, doesnt mean anyone will listen or follow your advice, specially during the early love phases people are naive.

marriage continues to amaze me.....we buy insurance for almost everything, house, cars, health, life, even for funeral costs....such things that we hardly think of happening...but we still insure them. 

Marriage? nothing, we take our word for it and do "vows", ok thats very nice and faithful but we all know what can happen....I mean is sort of laughable if you think about it isnt it? why would anyone sign up for a life long commitment w/o some sort of insurance (pre-nup)? We insure things to protect from our own mistakes, but for some reason, not marriage whom depends on two people? 

Now top it off with this....I hear a lot of people saying they will never tolerate infidelity or a PA or what have you, fair enough.....but your life will be impacted regardless, you dont have a choice, you have no protection from the actions of your spouse. As a matter of fact, there is absolutely nothing that you can do if your spouse were to walk up to you and tell you they are going to have sex with someone else...what can you do to stop them? absolutely nothing, they dont even have to cheat and lie. There is no law or anything that I am aware of that you can leverage to stop their actions, none. Yes you can divorce and never have them in your life again or whatever, fine...but you are affected tremendously and in essence am trying to say is that you are mostly helpless to their decisions and actions, you cant do a darn thing from a legal standpoint and your life will change w/o your say on it. You cant physically stop them or if you physically intervene or hurt them, then you can end up in jail. 

Does this make any sense? am I getting something wrong here or are there legal avenues that I just dont know about? I just have never really realized how crazy marriage is, it sounds like something no one would ever sign up for.....so it must be love then for sure.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

A subject near to my heart. My x wife cheated and left us but my kids, as of now, don't know the reason we are divorced. If they were the ages they are now, 11 and 7 I would have told them but at the time they were 5 and 1 and couldn't have comprehended it.

I know what I will tell them. I will try to not be biased about their relationships and probable marriages but I do need them to have the information I didn't have to avoid picking a partner of low character. Some of the lessons I want them to know and will discuss

You need a prenup...period. It's like insurance and no one ever thinks they need it but when you do you're glad to have it

You need to pick someone who has good character. One that doesn't cheat, lie, steal. Someone who comes from a family where character and commitment was taught.

You need to hold people accountable. I think many people give up on marriage early but any form of abuse should not be tolerated. And yes cheating is abuse.

You need premarital counseling. Yes I had it, no it didn't help me per say, but with the exception of the infidelity we always had good and open communication and a good relationship. I attribute almost all of that to the communication skills we learned in premarital counseling.

The deal is if they want me to help with the financials of the wedding then they have to have the 3 months of premarital counseling and the prenup. I will pay for both of those and the wedding or none of it. Other than that I will be hopeful things turn out better for them then it did for me


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Now top it off with this....I hear a lot of people saying they will never tolerate infidelity or a PA or what have you, fair enough.....but your life will be impacted regardless, you dont have a choice, you have no protection from the actions of your spouse. As a matter of fact, there is absolutely nothing that you can do if your spouse were to walk up to you and tell you they are going to have sex with someone else...what can you do to stop them? absolutely nothing, they dont even have to cheat and lie. There is no law or anything that I am aware of that you can leverage to stop their actions, none.


This is why I say get your self worth from your own character. Money, security, health, yes even relationships may all go away. What you said was always true, better to know that going in. Love, It's a gift you give, it really should not be about what you receive.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> A subject near to my heart. My x wife cheated and left us but my kids, as of now, don't know the reason we are divorced. If they were the ages they are now, 11 and 7 I would have told them but at the time they were 5 and 1 and couldn't have comprehended it.
> 
> I know what I will tell them. I will try to not be biased about their relationships and probable marriages but I do need them to have the information I didn't have to avoid picking a partner of low character. Some of the lessons I want them to know and will discuss
> 
> ...


I like all of this.

Also I think it is important to teach them the nature of the opposite sex and what there spouse will understand as bonding. Meaning if they are Boy's they need to learn to communicate emotionally, with their wives. This was always taught to me and it has served me very well in my marriage. 

Most men bond with sex, it's not wrong to tell your daughter under the right circumstance this is major part of a healthy marriage for men, it's not just him getting his rocks off. Generally woman don't have the same drive, and don't get the emotional closeness it creates for most good men. 

Also teach them how to fight to resolve issues, arguing is not about winning. Empathy. That is another great skill to have an a relationship.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

sokillme said:


> I like all of this.
> 
> Also I think it is important to teach them the nature of the opposite sex and what there spouse will understand as bonding. Meaning if they are Boy's they need to learn to communicate emotionally, with their wives. This was always taught to me and it has served me very well in my marriage.
> 
> ...


Yeah I'll be honest my communication with my daughters on sex will be limited lol. However all these topics were covered in premarital counseling. It somehow seemed less dimissive coming from someone in the environment. I agree these things all merit discussion


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

CantBelieveThis said:


> agree Gus, but discussions are just that, discussions, doesnt mean anyone will listen or follow your advice, specially during the early love phases people are naive.
> 
> marriage continues to amaze me.....we buy insurance for almost everything, house, cars, health, life, even for funeral costs....such things that we hardly think of happening...but we still insure them.
> 
> ...


You're rambling a bit, but I get what you're saying.

The point of these conversations, by the way, shouldn't be to admonish, bash, or demonize a wayward -- or, hopefully, _formerly_ wayward -- spouse/parent, but rather to educate w/ respect to one of THE stark realities of committed relationships; that infidelity can befall _any_ relationship, and that the odds of it happening are only increased when one or both spouses takes his/her hand off the wheel, doesn't guard his or her heart against temptation, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Archangel2 (Sep 25, 2014)

CantBelieveThis said:


> very well put....
> 
> we are catholic and I recall before we married we had to go to this weekend thing, was mandatory before marriage was permitted by the church, forgot the actual name of it, some pre-marriage counseling or whatever...


CBT - I believe you are talking about Pre-Cana. You're right. They never talked about infidelity, but my session (a long, long time ago!) did talk about partners seeing the same situation but having different opinions. Nowadays, I think they should send all prospective couples to Retrouvaille. At least they would get a better dose of reality.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> Yeah I'll be honest my communication with my daughters on sex will be limited lol. However all these topics were covered in premarital counseling. It somehow seemed less dimissive coming from someone in the environment. I agree these things all merit discussion


Dude who do you want to be the first to talk to them about it their father or some horny teenager who just wants to use them? It's your job to protect them. Better to teach them when they are young.

Also you don't talk to them and they think it is something they should keep hidden from you. Better to know what is going on so you can have some say right?


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Dude who do you want to be the first to talk to them about it their father or some horny teenager who just wants to use them? It's your job to protect them. Better to teach them when they are young.
> 
> Also you don't talk to them and they think it is something they should keep hidden from you. Better to know what is going on so you can have some say right?


Dude I said I would talk to them about the basics. Just not going to have long and indepth convos on sexual expectations of men and women in marriage. If you choose to do that with your own kids gravely for you. I'll decide what's in the best interest for mine thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

What I learned from my parents/my/ my H's suspected infidelity- 

1. try not to burden your children with it if you can- if you cant make sure they know your problems are not their fault- Parents are not saints. They are human and have fatal flaws and weaknesses just like anyone. See them in totality. 

2. have a job that you can support yourself with so that you are never staying with a partner out of necessity but out of choice- 

3.There is no shame in seeking counselling MC or IC. Its silly to think we can be in a relationship for 30-50 years without needing guidance along the way. Seek help sooner than later. Don't let the cracks get big enough for someone else to put a wedge in them. 

4. Be aware of the chemicals that make up infatuation and its blinding properties with respect to both a marriage partner and a potential EA/PA. Recognize intellectually that nothing is real about a relationship until those chemicals have largely depleted (2 years max I think with ordinary exposure) and you see what you are left with.

5.No one is immune to the possibility of an A. Given the right circumstances, vulnerabilities and opportunities it is possible that the last one you would suspect (including yourself!) could have one.

6. Make sure you both know what each others needs are and make an effort to meet them before someone else does. Men really do bond through sex. Admiration is important and its value overlooked as a marriage goes on.

7. If you find yourself in a position where your pain feels intolerable and unbearable it helps to go on anonymous websites to get advice and community!!!!


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

How many 20 somethings (in deep love) entering into marriage even consider an affair in their future? Not enough.

How many 20 somethings (in deep love) entering into marriage even consider a pre-nup? Not enough.

Can you affair proof a marriage? As the Chinese philosopher said... "We shall see."


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

CantBelieveThis

This is something I have thought of very much, as I will be having a talk with my boys regarding infidelity. I can tell you now I get butterflies about how I'm going to tell them, educate them, and support their decision. I'm in a bit of a difficult situation, not only infidelity but who their biological father is. I plan to write this out, think without any anger, and then support them as much as I humanly can. 

First I have to wait for them to get a little older, they just turned five last month. I will educate them to the horrors of infidelity. Hopefully by example, I will teach them that you can reconcile. The correct conditions to reconcile will have to be met, and tell them what their mother did for our marriage. There is no easy way, there is no short cut, there is no guarantee. 

Yes, the boys will know their mother cheated, but I will also tell them the effort she has put in. They will know what she did for them to have the life they do, they will know she is a great mother to them. I can't fault her one bit for how she loves and raises these boys. I can't say she was a bad mother, she has done everything possible for these boys. As a mother, I am truly amazed at just how good she is, the love she has for these boys. As a wife, well she wasn't so perfect in that regard, but being a mother and wife are two separate issues. She didn't take time from the boys with her affair, she didn't blow up their lives as they weren't even conceived, she wasn't even a mother at the time of her affair. 

My wife knows that the boys will know of her infidelity, it's the only way to tell them of their family history. I won't be able to tell the boys not to talk to their biological father. That is their choice, and if they choose to seek and meet him I will help in any way possible. It's not about me, it's their history, and it's their choice fully. I can't promise I won't be hurt, I can't promise that OM will even meet with them, but I will support them if it's their wish. Of course this is going to be extremely difficult for me, and hopefully the boys see this for THEIR future relationships, and that they fully understand the hell of infidelity. I don't look forward to this time, in fact I'm honestly in a bit of turmoil over just how to have this conversation. But this can't be shied away from, it must be discussed.

I think back now when my niece was cheated on, she was living with us at the time, and I told her to never disrespect herself. My belief was that cheating meant the relationship ended. Yet I am reconciling, I went against what I thought I would do, and I can't help but fear the boys see this as weakness. I will explain to them why I stayed, why I chose to better myself personally, and what that has meant to me. I know and understand some see me as weak, that I am the last person to reconcile given my situation. I will explain to the boys why I have chosen as I have. They will know all, and hopefully they become better men themselves. 

Parents want the best for their children, they want them to be more successful then we are. Parents feel the pain of their children, they feel pain when their children feel pain, and we want to protect them at all costs. This is why it is up to the parents to educate about infidelity, nobody else has their well being at heart as a parent does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

It was odd that my WW didn't understand or believe me when I told her that our son will know that she cheated when he gets older. But it would be better to tell him we tried rather than go the easy route to separate.

She said "why tell him, he wouldn't know" I said "if we're coparenting, he is going to ask what happened and I'm not going to lie". At least she finally understood.

With that said. I recommend every couple read "not just friends" as a way to help prevent infidelity.


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

I totally agree both new and existing couples should be more informed and well aware of the risks and high potential of infidelity in a lifelong commitment. Such as what signs to watch for, how to let total honesty be the number 1 importance rather than vague statements such as "I could never do that to us!!). 
There are a lot of things that can be done like these, but ultimately I see no real protection for BSs at all from being betrayed, other than a pre-nup agreement, otherwise is just romance and honesty based upon common understanding and assuming your spouse will act like they say. 
I would go on to say that perhaps prenups should be legally mandatory given the dismal divorce rates these days, after all is there any harm in having them? 

Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I totally agree both new and existing couples should be more informed and well aware of the risks and high potential of infidelity in a lifelong commitment. Such as what signs to watch for, how to let total honesty be the number 1 importance rather than vague statements such as "I could never do that to us!!).
> There are a lot of things that can be done like these, but ultimately I see no real protection for BSs at all from being betrayed, other than a pre-nup agreement, otherwise is just romance and honesty based upon common understanding and assuming your spouse will act like they say.
> I would go on to say that perhaps prenups should be legally mandatory given the dismal divorce rates these days, after all is there any harm in having them?


Building off of something that @MJJEAN said the other day, I'd suggest a simpler solution --

No marriage prior to age 25 / without certified pre-marital counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Building off of something that @MJJEAN said the other day, I'd suggest a simpler solution --
> 
> No marriage prior to age 25 / without certified pre-marital counseling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ah, that must have been about the human brain not fully developing until about age 25. Personally, I don't think young folks should marry before that age. Get engaged, sure. Marry? Not until 25+. Depending on which stats you believe, allegedly marriages between people under 25 have either a 50% or 70% higher rate of divorce than the average.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi @Can'tBeliveThis,

I attended pre-Cana as well. Like you my wife involved herself in adultery. I also do not recall them discussing infidelity. 

Yet I got a lot out of pre-Cana It was well worth it and many of the principles taught there are so ingrained 20 years later I have trouble remenbering from where they came. The problem is that pre-Cana did not last long enough and should have evolved into a continuing post marriage program.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> *Ah, that must have been about the human brain not fully developing until about age 25.* Personally, I don't think young folks should marry before that age. Get engaged, sure. Marry? Not until 25+. Depending on which stats you believe, allegedly marriages between people under 25 have either a 50% or 70% higher rate of divorce than the average.


Yep. I cite that nifty little factoid from time to time, mostly in discussions involving promiscuity and drug use in teenagers and young adults.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> Ah, that must have been about the human brain not fully developing until about age 25. Personally, I don't think young folks should marry before that age. Get engaged, sure. Marry? Not until 25+. Depending on which stats you believe, allegedly marriages between people under 25 have either a 50% or 70% higher rate of divorce than the average.


I personally think that the brain finishes its development closer to 30 (maybe 28-29) and that a contributing factor is the existence of more hover parents that influence decision making. Young people can't form a sense of identity and responsibility. I consider marriage to be a kind of "ultimate" responsibility, along with parenthood, that calls upon your sense of self for a lot of decisions.

I'd love to back up my thoughts with fact and studies, but for now, I'll just stress that they're just my thoughts mixed in with some first hand experience and observations.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

CantBelieveThis said:


> too late for me, but one of the fundamental problems I see about infidelity is that, for those that are married, are living in this "fantasy" mode thinking an affair will never happen to them. There are way too many couples out there thinking they are not that "type", and that their spouse could never do that to them, they are too religious, etc, etc.....well we all here know very well that --> *"oh yes they can!!!!"*.
> I see so many failed attempts to get a recently betrayed spouse to take action for themselves (self included to some extent back then) , and I think they are in such shock they can hardly listen to anything...the right way to do this is to teach the knowledge for "prevention", not after the fact, then is too late.
> 
> so the question is, how much to teach my kids about infidelity, given it happened in my marriage (W affair)?? what do people opinions are about this and I was thinking, as much as possible, influence them to make sure they have a pre-nup in place when they do marry (if they do at all, which is also ok)....I want to make sure they do not become vulneable not only to infidelity , but abuse and all sorts of things that can tear appart a marriage.....I think this is the right thing to do and how to use our bad experiences to pass on to our children but would like to find out how others think or things I havent thought of.....
> ...


My only nephew got married last night. Devout Catholics, both of them. I gave then a cross for a present, but I also included a copy of His Needs Her Needs in the box. The title, of course, is "How to Affair Proof a Married.


----------

