# Why now?????



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I was doing good....really good....I finished my externs ALONE....was planning on moving ALONE to be near family....feeling stronger every day....feeling disconnected from all his craziness and comfortable being without him. Ready for a change....ready to move on....
Then he calls today....just seeing his number on my caller ID and blam...my heart stops....I'm shaky and teary instantly....
He wants to see Dylan...said he sent me an email. I forgot I blocked him because of the nasty things he was sending. He said he'd resend them. I told him he could see Dylan tmw....I didn't want to....the selfish part of me didnt want to at all....why now....why when I had decided to move us far away...

Damn him for this...for all of this...for the tears rolling down my face...for making me realize I'm so not over him....just a minute of his voice and I'm a mess...the stupid whys are back....why did he do this....why did he ruin everything...why why why....I dont even know if I can face him tmw....I wont cry...not in front of him...never again


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

be strong melissa, dont show him your vulnerable side anymore- you do not deserve to be hurt anymore- put that wall up, go cry yourself out before you see him but dont let him see he is still hurting you , it gives him the power. you are a wonderful person and mother and should be treated as such. just remember how he treated you and what hes been doing since he left too keep you strong. he has a right to see his child but dosent mean he still has to hurt you. are you meeting him in a neutral location, i personally recommend not letting in the house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

unsure78 said:


> be strong melissa, dont show him your vulnerable side anymore- you do not deserve to be hurt anymore- put that wall up, go cry yourself out before you see him but dont let him see he is still hurting you , it gives him the power. you are a wonderful person and mother and should be treated as such. just remember how he treated you and what hes been doing since he left too keep you strong. he has a right to see his child but dosent mean he still has to hurt you. are you meeting him in a neutral location, i personally recommend not letting in the house.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It just caught me so off guard and I didn't know how to respond...my first instinct was no! but then quickly I knew that Dylan has a right to see him....wants to. I'm pissed that he never even mentioned my older sons...his step children who he raised for almost nine years....I know it hurts my older son so much to be just ignored by both his dad and step dad...I dont know how to make it better for him and I'm so mad at myself for having such a strong reaction to just hearing his voice. Gawd what an idiot I am...why couldnt he just stay away...


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

did he say anything about you moving? its hard when you are caught off gaurd, but next time you will be prepared for it. he really doesnt want to see the older kids?thats so hurtful poor guy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

The fact that he just said Dylan would tick me off too, but remember he hasn't had a relationship w/ other bio kids either (right?). Maybe he is doing this to continue to toy with you since you told him you were moving. You aren't going to just hand him over are you? Are you staying while he is visiting w/ him?


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

mama has a good point about the supervision. is there a possibility that he would try to take dylan since you are going to move away. dont know if thats even a possibility that he would try something like that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I called back and asked first if we could change the time he wanted to see Dylan. He said no...he had to work until 3pm. I said Oh where are you working now? He said "Around"....doesnt want me to know because he's afraid I'll come for child support. Nice...I then asked what his feelings were about us moving...since I didnt get the email. I said are you going to have a problem with that...he said "I dont know yet" I said well I think we should talk about all of this and settle some things before you see Dylan as its been nearly three months since you've seen him and he's just barely getting over it and I dont want you to visit him once and then disappear again. He said and I quote "screw it..whatever" and hung up.

So now I had to go untell my son that his dad was coming to see him....selfish immature idiot. I hate him so much right now...why couldnt he just stay gone. 

I dont know what to do now...should I file before I try and leave?


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I would also look up info to help kids get over the resentment that has to be building up in the boys. Maybe even the older boys resenting Dylan a little... I am just thinking about the kids I have known and their situations.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Melissa, what I found out when my oldest moved out...
Never tell the littles that they are going to see someone until the last minute to be sure that they are following through and the kids won't be disappointed. She would plan and then cancel. It's gotten better and I am more prepared for them to be sad/disappointed.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Was I wrong to say we needed to settle things before he saw Dylan? Am I just worrying about myself? I know Dylan misses his daddy so much...but I know that his dad is a runner and may see him once like he did two months ago and then nothing again...


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

really? i cant believe that- what a friekin bastard! oh melissa im so sorry, he dosent deserve to even see his son. i dont know what else to tell you, im just so sorry you are dealing with such a selfish immature ass,, nothing you said to him should have caused that response. i dont know what to tell you about filing maybe consult a lawyer see what would be best. i will be thinking of you tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I feel like his hurt is my fault this time...should I of just shut up and let my stbx see him? I told Dylan that I called daddy back and wanted to be sure if daddy was going to see him that he was going to keep seeing him and that daddy got upset and probably wouldnt be coming tmw. Dylan said "well why did he say he would if hes not going to???" Damn him for everything....for walking out for leaving us...for not seeing the kids for months....damn him for acting like a selfish brat and leaving me to try and explain things as usual....god forbid he talk like a grown up instead of just hanging up when I dont agree to his every wish


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I'm so damn mad right now and I can't stop crying and my son is smart enough to know its because his daddy called so now theres double hurt for him and I can't make the stupid tears stop.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Unsure and Mama I just wanted to say thank you for being such good support and offering your friendship to me like you do. I don't even know your names and I feel close to you both....thank you for that. I really needed it today and you were both right there...thank you so much. I hate how he makes me second guess myself...like I'm the rotten selfish one...makes me wonder if I'm the one causing all this..he's always done that to me...I guess old habits die hard....I'm still doing it...


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Wow, Melissa. What a poop-hole! That is unreal! How can someone do that?!

Have you consulted a lawyer yet? I would think that going 3 months without seeing your son and not paying child support would count as abandonment. I wonder if a lawyer for advise you to not allow your husband to see your son without a written agreement?

Do you have a legal consult that you can call tomorrow to get advice about this? I would be weary of allowing my child to spend time with someone like this. Your husband seems either really unstable or just a real,big d*$%-head.

You have every right to be mad...it is a maddening situation. But, you need to look out for your child too. If I would you, I would call up my lawyer and see what he/she would recommend.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

dont feel that way melissa, you havent done anything wrong you are just trying to make the situation as best as you can for yourself and your children. dont let him turn it around on you ,my stbxh does the same thing and its crap. you have worked hard to do right for your family going back to school and finishing your externs even with all this bull going on. be proud of yourself cause you have done the right things while he walked away for selfish reasons and cant even be bothered to see his kid. its crap. you and mama always help me when im feeling down, we can all get thru it together
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

My hand is itching to email him right now...but for what? I'm sure he's crying to his mommy and daddy that mean old Melissa wont let him see his son and its all my fault...he's such a good father after all...note the dripping sarcasm....


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

dont do it right now you are to upset- it will just make it worse- maybe text or email him tommrow and ask if he is still planning on seeing dylan. but only ask that and nothing else. business kid only.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Melissa, don't bother.

You have the facts on your side.

Facts:
1. He has emailed you horrible things
2. He hasn't bothered to see his own son in 3 months
3. He doesn't pay child support.

Don't get emotional with him. It will do no good. ...and it will make matters worse.

Everyone with half a brain is going to see right through him. He can lie and pretend all he wants to his family--but,the truth is going to come out eventually. He is a sack of poo. 

Just WRITE DOWN and document EVERYTHING that he does. Write it down in case you have to use it in court later on. Try to be calm if you ever have to communicate with him, and choose your words carefully.

I am so so so sorry, Melissa. *hug*


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

jpr said:


> Wow, Melissa. What a poop-hole! That is unreal! How can someone do that?!
> 
> Have you consulted a lawyer yet? I would think that going 3 months without seeing your son and not paying child support would count as abandonment. I wonder if a lawyer for advise you to not allow your husband to see your son without a written agreement?


The definition of abandonment for your state maybe able to be found online. In TX it's one year.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Thank you JPR....I know you're right...it would mean nothing to him to try and reason or explain why I might possibly feel a need to protect my children from him. He sees no wrong in anything he does...never has. I think I must be the crazy one for forever trying to give him emotions and feelings that he just doesnt have. I'm not going to email or call or any other thing. It's a really good thing that he's lost his cell phone and only has his parent house phone as I hate calling there....his family is more crazy than him if possible. I'm not going to respond this time....not going to be suckered in. 

Mama....I think in Arizona it's 6 mths...but also its a no fault state so I don't know that it matters. I think if I filed tmw I have enough to prove he is unstable and abusive and I would think any judge would question his parenting ability. It's always a scary proposition though.... I do need to file for support at the very least....to have him blantantly tell me he's working but refusing to tell me where....so nice...might as well of just said "I dont want to pay support"


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Melissa,

how are you doing this morning? I hope you are feeling better-


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Hi unsure, I am doing better this morning. You know what the first thought I had when I woke up was? That anytime things aren't just handed to him he just walks away. When his first three kids didnt just pour on love for him when he saw them and instead had questions for him/anger at what he did, he pushed them away and never saw them again. During our marriage if we had an argument or he lost control and I dared to get upset over it, he left until I begged him back...So many more examples but now he wants to see Dylan after 2 1/2 mths of cruelty and of not seeing his son and I didn't just jump for him and say oh yes! please! So he said forget it and hung up....have a feeling he wont try again because now he can say "I didnt let him" its my fault as always. 

I dont know if its immaturity or just plain uncaring for anyone but himself but I dont care anymore. Yesterday was the first day in a long time I sat in tears for the night and I don't want that back in my life....onward and upward with my plans. I will contact an atty today just for a consult AND to see how to start child support


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Good for you Melissa, my stbxh has turned into a runner now too anytime things haven't gone his way, jobs, me, hes not even talking to most of his family anymore since they were all giving him crap about what he did. Go see an attorney and get some money from him - hey are you on facebook?


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Sounds like you are going to have a better day. 

pm'd you


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

ok so I decided to reach out and see if his agenda is to really just see Dylan. I sent this email:

Danny,
I would like to invite you to come and see Dylan at the house. I think for now that would be the best solution and I know Dylan would love it and it would go a long way to giving him some security for now. I think it would be best if you want to start seeing him to have some sort of routine...maybe a day you spend with him each week that he can count on? I think seeing him where he is comfortable is important. He has a new mouse...well two actually...as pets and I think he would love showing off how good he takes care of them to you...doing things he's missed....playing video games, wrestling...the things that are familiar to him. 
I can go in the room and read or busy myself with something...no worries. 

Let me know,
Melissa

I have a feeling he'll take it that I'm trying to control him and probably I'll get back the usual " screw it Melissa lets just let the courts handle it blah blah" but I can feel good that I tried and even offered to be out of the equation.... I just don't feel comfortable after all he's done to just hand Dylan over to him.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

sorry didnt respond earlier but got caught up at work. did he respond? if not at least you know that you did all you can and thats all you can do. that always helps me feel bettet knowing i did all i could and that i was the adult in the situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I dont expect a response until later today...he said he works until 3pm...at "around doing "something"...gawd lol
But yes....I feel better having tried to be the bigger person. I truly expect his response will be "you're not going to tell me how and when I can see my son Melissa...we'll just let the courts handle this" It seems to be his go to when I don't just automatically agree with him and act grateful for his small gestures. I hope he proves me wrong for Dylans sake...


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I wonder if he has actually seen a lawyer yet...because everything he is doing goes against the advice of every lawyer. He is nuts if he thinks he has any power over you.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Oh I'm pretty sure he has not. A. He has zero money and even though mommy is apt to give him anything he wants I dont think they have it to give him either. B. He's a procrastinator....loves to threaten but never follows through....pushes until other people respond then he blames them...see? she wanted this or that.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Melissa you did the right thing... i will be thinking of you tonight. i hope he responds nicely for dylans sake
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

No response so far...I hope he does too but I'm not hopeful. He has never for as long as I've known him purposefully put himself in a position that woud make him uncomfortable...such as being back in the home he walked away from and dealing with that scenario. 
I stupidly can't stop thinking of what it would be like if he were to accept...the dogs going crazy because they missed him, Dylan being so excited and showing off for him...just the feel of having 'the family' all home. I'm not sure how I would handle it without getting emotional....maybe I should print out all the emails he's sent in the last few months and re-read those....that would do it


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Can he spend time with Dylan outside the family house?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

ok so I took a major step back yesterday. I didn't get his emails because I had him on block after the last row of threats and crud he was sending me. A friend said that blocked emails go in to the delete file so I looked and there was the email from him. After the way he talked on the phone I stupidly thought it might be at the very least somewhat kind but no...it was his usual...demands telling me how things were with his signature "we are over Melissa...I'm NOT coming back" like I don't know this??? I should of just put it in my file of emails from him and left it alone but I didn't. I responded and let all my anger fly out....something I haven't done until now to him. I know I shouldn't of.....I know I just played right in to his hand....I KNOW he will never care that he hurt me or anything I said but it felt good. It felt really really good to finally say something besides why why why or how how how did you do this. Finally I told him what an arrogant selfish prick I thought he was for everything....how dare he not see the kids for nearly 3 mths and then send me an email demanding I have him ready for him at a certain time and day...just out of the blue. He doesnt call the shots anymore....he isn't going to bully me or hurt me anymore...and the best thing he did for me is to stay gone as I was getting stronger every day and realizing that being abused and treated like he did me wasen't better than being alone. Told him to screw off and not to bother me again unless it was to do with divorce issues.

I know it was wrong but each step back helps to move me forward in a way.....even though I was doing things to move forward a part of still clung to him 'seeing the light' When my emotions broke loose last night I realized screw him and screw what he did to me and the boys....I would NEVER put us through that again no matter what he said or did...there is no making up for it. It was cleansing.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Melissa,

Have you watched the movie "Good Will Hunting?"


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Melissa,
> 
> Have you watched the movie "Good Will Hunting?"


Hi Conrad,
No I haven't...why?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

melissa68 said:


> Hi Conrad,
> No I haven't...why?


I recommend you do it.

I want you to pay special attention to how it pleases Matt Damon to get other people angry.

A twisted smile comes over his face when he pushes others into losing it.

Your husband is broken - just like "Will Hunting"

He's doing the same thing to you.

If you watch it on film, it will help you stop him.


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## Phoenixrfa (Mar 31, 2012)

Hi.

Be strong. 

It sounds like your stbxh is manipulating you and doing this to cause you pain. Don't buy into his BS.

In Arizona, it is 1 year for abandonment to qualify as grounds for divorce and you still have to fill out and file the paperwork. I think that given all the issues you describe, if you file now, it still might take close to a year to complete. Also since there are children involved, the courts will want to review the divorce. Get an attorney asap. If you can't afford one there are groups and agencies to help you. Check online. In your case, save all emails and text messages. record phone calls from him. It doesn't matter if you know where he lives or works, they will find him and serve him with papers. The court can still make him responsible for child support from the time he left you and the kids and possibly attorney fees. You also should not move out of state without. talking to an attorney first. 
Again, be strong.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Sorry for what you are going through. This sounds horrible. 

I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why any man would not jump at the opportunity to spend time with his son. I have my child just shy of half and I can barely stand it. 

I've heard about guys and even some ladies just packing up and leaving their kids and then using the kids as part of their threats during the divorce. Seriously, what is this? I was fighting tooth and nail to get more time with my child. i would take my kid every day if I had a choice. I would have put up with my ex's BS until my child graduated if given the choice. Thankfully she made that decision but I would have stayed just to have an opportunity to raise my child every day.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

paradise you are a good man-

melissa how are you doing better? he never responded back?im sorry have a fun day with the kids you deserve it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Hi unsure....no nothing...it makes me more unsettled actually that he didnt respond...I keep thinking he's going to start a battle before I move or something. I've been trying to avoid it as I don't have the money but I guess on Monday I'll be contacting an atty and get some advice.

On a better note the kids are having a good Easter morning. They got their baskets, we did an egg hunt...Dylan did ask me where his daddy was...it breaks me heart. 

Paradise, I don't understand either how anyone could be without their children or not take every advantage to see them if they are gone.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> Hi unsure....no nothing...it makes me more unsettled actually that he didnt respond...I keep thinking he's going to start a battle before I move or something. I've been trying to avoid it as I don't have the money but I guess on Monday I'll be contacting an atty and get some advice.
> 
> On a better note the kids are having a good Easter morning. They got their baskets, we did an egg hunt...Dylan did ask me where his daddy was...it breaks me heart.
> 
> Paradise, I don't understand either how anyone could be without their children or not take every advantage to see them if they are gone.


Good to hear about the kids having a good Easter. Mine are too and they haven't mentioned the father in two days or more. Sometimes I think out of sight/out of mind might be a good thing, just for their own survival since our H have been disappointing as fathers as of late.

I know it's not healthy for me, but I know I sure hope my husband is miserable, heartbroken, and lonely today.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

I had my kid all morning and all weekend and I am lonely, depressed, miserable, and heartbroken right now. I just want to meet these guys and beat the living crap out of them. Days like this just make me angry when some parents don't want to spend time with their kids. 

Sorry, to hijack your thread. Just giving my two cents.


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> I know it's not healthy for me, but I know I sure hope my husband is miserable, heartbroken, and lonely today.


AMEN sista!! I feel the same way!


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## chocolategeek (Mar 8, 2012)

I'm sorry that you have to deal with such an immature clown. Sigh. Glad the kids had a good Easter, though. Hope you can sort things out with a lawyer and get what's best for Dylan.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I truly need to have NO contact with my stbxh which I know is impossible but every time I do hear from him, I go right back in to needy mode...even when I try so very hard not to. I sent an email as I said above just venting my anger and frustrations out...got one back a few days ago in which he stated I was not going to take Dylan away from him no matter what... Instead of ignoring it, I sent this back:

Time to Decide-
Dylan was sitting here looking so sad just a little bit ago. I asked him what was wrong and he said I wish my daddy was home. I told him I'm sorry you're sad baby....I get sad too. He said...I know mommy...but you didn't leave me huh you're here... I will never be ok with this...with his hurt. 
You think I tell you these things to make you feel guilty or bad....but I don't...that's not why. I tell you because its our life now...mine and the boys. Because of your choices our whole lives have changed without any say in it. You decided for all of us how it was going to be...what our life was going to be now. It will never be the same....we'll move on....things will get easier....might even meet another man and we'll try and form a family together with the kids or maybe I wont and it'll always be me trying to raise boys who just want a father... it will never be good for Dylan or for Kyle. Dylan doesn't want a visiting dad....he doesn't want someone new to come in and say Hey there kiddo....he doesn't want anything but you to be the daddy he had and it sucks Danny....he'll never have it again. It'll be just like with mike....except worse because it's already started....you've gone months without seeing him....sooner than later it will be 1/2 a year....then a year...you'll move....I'll move....then you'll figure well he probably doesn't want to see me now so you'll stop asking....you'll wait for him to contact you and he won't and you wont.... 
I'm sorry for the things I've said in the last few emails but I'm so angry Danny...and so hurt. I try so hard to 'toughen up' to be hateful thinking it will be easier if I hate you. Just turn it off like he does....just be mean and cruel. It's not what I want really. Every time I hear your voice I spend the next few days so hurt again. You just don't get it do you...what you had here. 

Dylan tells me all the time to call you and tell you to come home....and when you say no...I have to say bummer and you'll come home.... So I am... come home Danny....and Bummer if you don't want to...come home where you belong.
I'm not so blind that I think you can really just come home. I don't think I could do that even but you could open yourself up to us again and try....spend time with us....come with me to start seeing Lisa...she was good for us...for you...invite us over to spend time with your family. Call me and just ask how I am...talk to me like we used to. Date... If there is any part of you that questions if this was the wrong thing then fix it Danny....before it's too late. Isn't it better than spending the next 15 yrs passing Dylan back and forth and him never knowing what having a real family is like. Don't make him go through that and don't make me have to do that with another one of my children....please. You know how awful it is...you lived it with Kyle and Brandon. Why would you want that for Dylan? 

If you can't....you can't. But if you can't then let us go. I'm not trying to take Dylan away from you by moving. I'm just trying to make a life out of what is left. I just need to do this. You are what I had here....nothing else. Without 'us' here...I don't want to be in this town. I need family....I need people who will make me feel wanted and safe too...so do the boys. They're excited at the idea....if things are going to change permanently then at least a change like this will give them something to be excited about. I wasen't trying to do anything by msging your kids...nothing but give Dylan some more family to know. I think about how things were in regards to your family....your kids...how something as simple as talking/communication gave us both such different feelings about things... They are one of the reasons I chose Carson rather than by my sister Pat in Cali...

There is nothing I wouldn't do for my family....including trying to build something from this...something stronger and better. It won't be easy and it won't be fast but is the alternative so much easier...so much better? I don't even know honestly if I can work through all of this and regain the trust and feelings but I know for my family I'm willing to try if you are. 

If you can't Danny then please...just let us move on. We can work everything else out after...but please don't start the divorce here just to stop us from trying to restart our lives with family who want us there. 


What is wrong with me? First of all I do NOT want him back nor do I think I could ever even look at him without thinking of all the things he did to me not only this time but all the times before...second I know him well enough to know that this will just boost his ego and give him yet another opportunity to 'remind' me that we are over...he left me. 
I honestly dont even know why I wrote that and I so wish I could take it back before he reads it. I just want my child to feel good and maybe I'm scared to truly move so far away from everything I've known for 20 plus years. Maybe I do have some feelings that I'm taking Dylan away from him though I shouldnt...I'm just so used to feeling guilty I guess. Ugh.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

I know you going to ignore my post but I'm going to tell you my honest thought:

You remind me of my ex in the begin, you think it's a package deal. Let spend "family time". Your son may do better if he could spend time with his father alone without you.

Can he go to his father home for a day?


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> If you can't Danny then please...just let us move on. We can work everything else out after...but please don't start the divorce here just to stop us from trying to restart our lives with family who want us there.
> 
> 
> What is wrong with me? First of all I do NOT want him back nor do I think I could ever even look at him without thinking of all the things he did to me not only this time but all the times before...second I know him well enough to know that this will just boost his ego and give him yet another opportunity to 'remind' me that we are over...he left me.
> I honestly dont even know why I wrote that and I so wish I could take it back before he reads it. I just want my child to feel good and maybe I'm scared to truly move so far away from everything I've known for 20 plus years. Maybe I do have some feelings that I'm taking Dylan away from him though I shouldnt...I'm just so used to feeling guilty I guess. Ugh.


Wow! I actually liked it (don't throw stones at me). You gave him an insight to what's going on there and your reasons for moving and many choices. My IC says I protect my stbxh too much by not telling him the stuff you told your H. 
Since you expect him to taunt you w/ the power he still has over you don't let it hurt you. Just think "I was right. Buh-bye" Have you looked into what your state says about moving the kids while separated? Don't feel guilty. You look like you are willing to work things out and it will only help you if you need it to with the lawyers/judge. Just be sure to keep all of his communications. 

Now no more emails to him. You said what you needed to and you said it well. Don't beat yourself up over it.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

justwhy said:


> I know you going to ignore my post but I'm going to tell you my honest thought:
> 
> You remind me of my ex in the begin, you think it's a package deal. Let spend "family time". Your son may do better if he could spend time with his father alone without you.
> 
> Can he go to his father home for a day?


I think the reason she wanted him at her house is because she is nervous about him 'taking' Dylan. He hasn't tried to see him until she mentioned moving them out of state. It's not that she wants to see him. 

Heck, I wonder why it's not the 'boys' or at least the two youngest boys. His stepsons saw him as dad too.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> Wow! I actually liked it (don't throw stones at me). You gave him an insight to what's going on there and your reasons for moving and many choices. My IC says I protect my stbxh too much by not telling him the stuff you told your H.
> Since you expect him to taunt you w/ the power he still has over you don't let it hurt you. Just think "I was right. Buh-bye" Have you looked into what your state says about moving the kids while separated? Don't feel guilty. You look like you are willing to work things out and it will only help you if you need it to with the lawyers/judge. Just be sure to keep all of his communications.
> 
> Now no more emails to him. You said what you needed to and you said it well. Don't beat yourself up over it.



Mama you made me feel better. I'm sitting here biting my nails down to nubs thinkings Ugh what did I do now? It just spilled out of me last night...at least now I can honestly say I opened the door for him so if he chooses to slam it closed again I shouldn't feel bad about doing what I need to do to move on right?


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> I think the reason she wanted him at her house is because she is nervous about him 'taking' Dylan. He hasn't tried to see him until she mentioned moving them out of state. It's not that she wants to see him.
> 
> Heck, I wonder why it's not the 'boys' or at least the two youngest boys. His stepsons saw him as dad too.


I understand, but you have to start small with people like us. When my ex would try to make it a package deal, it turned me off even more..


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

justwhy said:


> I know you going to ignore my post but I'm going to tell you my honest thought:
> 
> You remind me of my ex in the begin, you think it's a package deal. Let spend "family time". Your son may do better if he could spend time with his father alone without you.
> 
> Can he go to his father home for a day?


Hi Justwhy,
I really don't think its a package deal or no deal. My stbxh hasen't tried to see our son in 3 mths and is only now making noise because I am making plans to move. I am worried about his motives and also that he lives at home with his parents and sister...there is a history there that would take a long time to explain but we didn't have contact with his family for 2 yrs because his father thought it was ok to hit my son and then tell me that "someone needed to do it because he was a brat"...this was when he was 2. He then told my stbxh that his "fat ***** of a wife' was overreacting to what he did. So no I'm not thrilled with the idea of my son being over there alone.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> Mama you made me feel better. I'm sitting here biting my nails down to nubs thinkings Ugh what did I do now? It just spilled out of me last night...at least now I can honestly say I opened the door for him so if he chooses to slam it closed again I shouldn't feel bad about doing what I need to do to move on right?


Yes, and see a lawyer about whether you can actually move. Be sure to have emails to show the lawyer that he has pretty much abandoned you and you'd like family help. 

You look like the dignified spouse that has all the responsibility and he is dodging his including $$$. Please seek some legal advice.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

I would suggest to stop inviting him over to your house and suggest that he take Dylan to the movies, park or some kind of day trip. Please don't take my term "package deal" personal. That is how it feels when you don't want to be bother the person trying to make the deal. It drove me crazy to now I don't want to see my ex. he picks my son up from school.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I was thinking about why I feel so crazed emotionally and pushed in to making decisions so rapidly and before I'm ready and I think it has so much to do with the fact that I AM being pushed in to making decisions before I'm ready...I wasent even ready for him to leave 2 1/2 mths ago...thats all its been...hardly time to even digest that he walked out...but now I feel like I have to make these life altering decisions...too fast. I've sat here all day beating myself up for putting myself out there with him again but no more. I'm doing my best at dealing with everything...processing it. I'm not going to feel bad anymore. My resolve for the night. I have an appt to talk to legal aid tmw...going to keep it and keep moving forward...two steps backward, one forward...I'll get there eventually


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Reverse it... two steps forward starting tomorrow!


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

you're right mama
I heard back from him and instead of the predictable anger and mean words, maybe it was worse. He said he wasen't going to be mean and hateful anymore. That he knew he messed up his relationship with Dylan....that things would never be the same between us...that I should go and move and we'll settle everything once I get there...he won't file for a divorce here. 
I wrote back that he was right...things could never be the same but wouldnt that be the point? To make them better....fix what had got us here. Yes he messed up with the boys but it had only been months....it was fixable...not to give up on him...fix it. I begged him....said the door had always been open....I never closed it but I coudlnt make him walk through...he had to do that. But we wanted him....we loved him. He answered back with one word...."go"

I haven't stopped crying since....I haven't felt like this since the first few days...maybe not even then because I know its really truly over...forever. I wanted so badly to be strong and not want him...why does this hurt me so badly? It's what I wanted right? to feel like I could move and not worry about what he would do....he gave me that....so why do I feel like I just got stabbed once again. He said me of all people know how much he loved Dylan...how much it hurts him not to see him every day and yet he doesnt do it...am I so horrible that he'd give up seeing his son to forego dealing with me? How can I be so willing to try and him not be when he caused all this pain? At least I know now....really truly know...no what if's, or maybes ....He doesnt love me....he doesnt want this family...


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## chocolategeek (Mar 8, 2012)

Melissa, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My H too, told me he was not the man for me and that there must be someone out there who could love me the way I wanted to be loved (he had PA's on and off and could not stay faithful).

Maybe he still loves you. Love doesn't just disappear especially if it once was strong. But he has decided not to be together anymore, for whatever reason. And it sounds like it is final. Accept it, cry it out, and when you can't cry anymore, take a deep breath and get a drink of water. And then start on the plans of building your own life without him. Be strong. You can do this. Do it for yourself and for your children.

You may not believe it right now, but one day you will look back on this and say it was all for the best. There is someone out there for you who will appreciate you for the beautiful person that you are.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

melissa it hurts cause its final, u still had some hope even if it wasnt hope for you and him it was hope that he could be the father you knew for dylan. what you need to focus on now is that you did everything in your power to make it work and give him the opportunity to make it right. and he choose not to. but you know you did everything you could, no regrets. im sorry he did this to you- be thinking of you today
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

It does hurt, but he is giving you permission to go and be closer to family and start over again. Do it. Stop asking him to return. You left the door open. If he changes his mind he will know where you are and can go there and maybe you will still be willing to take him back or maybe you will have moved on. (He'd be farther from his parents!) 

Yesterday my oldest told me that she was sure things were over between her father and me and I needed to move on... that hurt. I wasn't liking her much last night for that but I guess I still had just a wee bit of hope. I don't know why, I don't like him much anymore, I guess I just know that the MLC aliens have him and it hurts.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

i think mama is right, go-
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chocolategeek (Mar 8, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> It does hurt, but he is giving you permission to go and be closer to family and start over again. Do it. Stop asking him to return. You left the door open. If he changes his mind he will know where you are and can go there and maybe you will still be willing to take him back or maybe you will have moved on. (He'd be farther from his parents!)
> 
> Yesterday my oldest told me that she was sure things were over between her father and me and I needed to move on... that hurt. I wasn't liking her much last night for that but I guess I still had just a wee bit of hope. I don't know why, I don't like him much anymore, I guess I just know that the MLC aliens have him and it hurts.


Sorry to hear that, mama. I found that even after I kicked my H out of the house and got my strength, that sometimes I would still feel that tiny flicker of hope for R in my heart. I don't have any helpful advice for you except to say I know it hurts.

Will be thinking and praying for you.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

chocolategeek said:


> Sorry to hear that, mama. I found that even after I kicked my H out of the house and got my strength, that sometimes *I would still feel that tiny flicker of hope for R in my heart.* I don't have any helpful advice for you except to say I know it hurts.
> 
> Will be thinking and praying for you.


Exactly. I am looking forward to meeting a nice man (like many on this board) that wants to have an adventurous full life with me and my kids. I would consider an R, not a guarantee but I have to move on because he doesn't want one and I am too young to be myself (and sexless). I am looking forward to someone taking my breath away.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I know its the right thing to do....to move and get the support of my family...and maybe when I was giving him the choice, it was so I could have that finality...so I could feel ok about leaving. I just didn't expect that my heart would feel ripped about again when he said to go....I guess I didn't realize how much of me wanted to hear him say stay. I honestly didnt even consciously have those thoughts until I started sending the emails...but it doesnt matter now....I got my answer....I got my promise he would let us go without issue....so we're going. Maybe up there I'll heal and meet a man like mama said "who will take my breath away" and will make me forget there was ever anyone else... or maybe I'll become the old cat lady on the block....who knows lol


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## chocolategeek (Mar 8, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> I know its the right thing to do....to move and get the support of my family...and maybe when I was giving him the choice, it was so I could have that finality...so I could feel ok about leaving. I just didn't expect that my heart would feel ripped about again when he said to go....I guess I didn't realize how much of me wanted to hear him say stay. I honestly didnt even consciously have those thoughts until I started sending the emails...but it doesnt matter now....I got my answer....I got my promise he would let us go without issue....so we're going. Maybe up there I'll heal and meet a man like mama said "who will take my breath away" and will make me forget there was ever anyone else... or maybe I'll become the old cat lady on the block....who knows lol


I'm glad you can joke about it a little and smile now, Melissa. I'm hoping for the best for you and your boys.


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## chocolategeek (Mar 8, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> Exactly. I am looking forward to meeting a nice man (like many on this board) that wants to have an adventurous full life with me and my kids. I would consider an R, not a guarantee but I have to move on because he doesn't want one and I am too young to be myself (and sexless). I am looking forward to someone taking my breath away.


I believe that you will someday meet someone who will.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

chocolategeek said:


> I'm glad you can joke about it a little and smile now, Melissa. I'm hoping for the best for you and your boys.



Thank you chocolate. I tend to fall into these holes whenever I have contact with my stbxh but luckily the smarter part of my brain kicks in after a few days and I remember all the horrible things he's done and continues to do. 

The boys and I have been getting ready for a moving sale this weekend and would you guess? It's raining....yesterday it was hot enough to sweat and today its pouring.ugh hope it stops by tmw!
But I have sold a few things online and we're having fun putting it in a special 'fund' for all the new things we're going to buy when we move. Our fresh start fund. 

Hugs


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

A fresh start sounds so wonderful, Melissa. I sometimes secretly wish my stbxh would allow us to move back to my family. 

Good for you! Keep moving forward...there are much happier and much more fullfilling times for you ahead. I can tell that you have so much love in your soul and so much love to give the world.


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## LexusNexus (Aug 19, 2011)

melissa68 
My advice is not the best but I folowed your posts from February. Guess what, he is the one who is going to suffer. He will not be able to see his kids. He will be alone, broke and full of regrets. To start life over again is not that easy even for men.
You will be the winner, you have your boys, your family. Soon as you move join the gym, start to go out, find new hobby, new interests, start to listen book on tapes, go to the movie theater, start new career, and think this way: Everything happens for the reason.


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## Terri Bodell (Apr 16, 2012)

Hi there Melissa. I've been reading all the posts along this painful journey of yours. You will have up days and down days - how could you not? You were with a man that you thought would be a lifetime commitment and now you find that your dreams and plans for that relationship have turned to dust. It's no wonder that you are on the emotional roller coaster at the moment. Please be patient with yourself and allow yourself the time to grieve for what is lost. Go be with your family - people who will support you, hug you and hold you when you need to cry, allow you to scream and be angry when you need to vent. You will come through this and you will be able to laugh and have joy in your life again. Just give yourself the time and space (and the support network) to be able to get there - it is one step at a time. One day you will turn around and be amazed at just how many steps you have taken towards your own wonderful future.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

LexusNexus said:


> melissa68
> My advice is not the best but I folowed your posts from February. Guess what, he is the one who is going to suffer. He will not be able to see his kids. He will be alone, broke and full of regrets. To start life over again is not that easy even for men.
> You will be the winner, you have your boys, your family. Soon as you move join the gym, start to go out, find new hobby, new interests, start to listen book on tapes, go to the movie theater, start new career, and think this way: Everything happens for the reason.


Lexus, I know you're right and I am following through with my plan to move. I've got to stop trying to understand what he did/how he could....his motives period...the one thing I do know is his motives and reasonings were purely selfish and he didn't care what he did to me or his children to reach them and that is NOT a man I want in my life.
Funny how out of everything he said...that one word email "go" stabbed the deepest. But we will go...and I can not wait to have someone to put their arms around me and make me feel loved...thank God for family.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Melissa I think you will be in a much better place once you have moved, i know it. Its hard not to think of the why/how could he, but you are right its 100% selfish- just remind yourself of that i do everyday.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I'm counting on it...putting everything we have left in to the move and hoping its the right thing.
You know what got me today? Besides too much alone time lol I decided to look on match.com Partially I think to see if he might have a profile there and partially to see what my reaction was. Well it wasent good...I ended up in tears at the thought of it all. I'm honestly not sure I will ever want to do that again...put myself out there...trust someone when I'm two for two on the loser track. Then I cried more thinking of all my stbx and I had been through...and that even with all the bad I still trusted him...really trusted him. Really cuts to the core to know that while you can't even fathom being with someone else, they already have been...the entire time. Yep I'm pretty much thinking I'm going to end up the cat lady on the block....except I dont like cats...so maybe the dog lady haha


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

nothing wrong with having a few dogs  i have a couple myself. give yourself some time melissa, no need to rush and date or even look if you are not ready yet and thats ok. better not to rush and get in some rebound relationship anyway. take your time and find out what you like to do and what you are really looking for in a partner (not like i should be giving you guidance in this dept since im in the same place you are right now 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I do too...two male pomeranians....I always said if they were frogs I'd kiss em and see if I could turn them into princes because they are about as faithful as it gets and they love me the most when I'm all messy and crazed haha
I know I'm sooooooooooooo not ready to date...I just thought I'd take a look and see how it felt to even do that and well....you read my reaction. 
Today was a hard day....I had to go get some blood work done as I requested a complete STD panel get done since my stbx was seeing someone and I can't trust it was the first time. Then after getting that done I had to go to the college and pick up my cap and gown and invitations for the ceremony. On one hand I want to go and scream at my stbx for making me even have a reason to have to do the blood work and on the other hand I'm so sad because while we were married he was my biggest supporter for going back to school and encouraging me and acted so proud with every step I took. It makes me so sad that he won't be there to 'cheer' me on at the ceremony like he always said he would be "I'll be the loudest Melissa...letting everyone know how proud I am of my wife" Ya...guess thats not happening now...

Nope no where near ready to even think about doing this again...


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## chocolategeek (Mar 8, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> It makes me so sad that he won't be there to 'cheer' me on at the ceremony like he always said he would be "I'll be the loudest Melissa...letting everyone know how proud I am of my wife" Ya...guess thats not happening now...
> 
> Nope no where near ready to even think about doing this again...


At this point, Melissa, everything is still so fresh. The good and bad memories, everything. Go out and pamper yourself and do all the little stuff that make you happy. Men can come later.


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