# Please Explain Lazy Housewives?



## FirstYearDown

I have the utmost respect for *busy *SAHM's. Parenting can often be thankless and society does not give enough credit to women that run the home. These domestic goddesses are equally as capable and intelligent as any career woman. It takes much work and dedication to keep a house clean, raise children and still have dinner on the table every night. :smthumbup:

I have recently read some very sad posts from men, who have lazy housewives. Whether the SAH partner is male or female, marriage is about give and take. If the one spouse is earning enough income to keep the other at home, I believe the other spouse should take care of housework and day time child rearing. It is only fair, right? 

Please educate me on why so many women are content to lie about the house all day and do nothing?:scratchhead: Don't they feel bad about taking money, but not giving an incentive for the provider to give? When I am home, my husband comes home to dinner, a clean home and a smiling wife. It is his reward for slaving for us all day. I only skimp on housework if I am ill. No wonder my husband will do anything for me.


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## pidge70

I don't understand those woman either. I work full time and still come home and do all the "wifely" duties. My SO helps too but, if I get home first I generally have it done. Then again, I have OCD...lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trenton

Have you ever been a SAHM? It's very repetitive, boring and unappreciated job. You can say you appreciate it but society in general doesn't appreciate it and everyone has no problem telling you exactly what you're doing wrong without ever commenting on what you're doing right. You say she should feel bad about taking money but I bet you'd never say she deserves a major raise and the husband should set aside extra funds just for her. There's an imbalance in our thinking about the role itself. The payoff of doing a wonderful job doesn't come for years afterwards so it's easy to lose sight of and there are many hiccups that worry you that you've done something wrong. It also depends very much on the ages of the children, the attitude of the husband and the support system the SAHM has.

I was a SAHM for 8 years and five of those years ran a non-profit from my home with the help of my 3 kids which was very fulfilling and helped us stay close and appreciative of one another and the world around us -but- when I chose to end that because of our family situation- I truly struggled with the shear boredom of being on call 24/7 without any real tasks besides laundry, meals, cleaning and being a taxi cab driver. My kids were older and more self sufficient and I had a lot of time to fill.

Now I work full time since all three are finally in school (Kindergarten, 5th grade and freshman in hs) and find I am taking on all the previous tasks along with 40 hours of work at my job (which I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE). I get praised at my work for almost everything I do and this is a very good feeling especially since I feel my work is meaningful. I come home and face three kids who struggle with their own problems and although I know they overall appreciate me, they are still kids. I love them too and so enjoy having them around and helping/listening/solving/guiding but it's not the same.

I think the best way to get an apathetic SAHM to feel more motivated and invested in her job is to help her see its importance and help find time for her to work on her own likes/passions but men rarely do this. They complain that she's home all day and lazy but won't notice a good job she's done until she stops doing it. I think it's more to do with a slight depression and lack of feeling important in the role than anything else or a feeling that she is undervalued and not worth much. 

More support, more programs, activities and networks and overall recognition of the importance of a SAHM, a complete change in the attitude that a man's (or woman's) work outside the home is worth more or harder than a woman's (or man's) inside of the home is necessary.

It's easy to judge, it really is. Even a great SAHM who has support/finances and a personality that makes her a good fit for being a SAHM will be the first to snap at another's performance in the same role. It's really sad because the only group that loses are our children.


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## Trenton




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## that_girl

I have children-less friends who are lazy housewives.

One friend said, "I didn't get married to work."

LOLLL Must be nice to be a princess.


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## Trenton

Without children I can't relate. Didn't even cross my mind. I'd go insane sitting at home all day. I can't imagine wanting to do it but I guess if they want to and the man is willing, each to his own.


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## that_girl

Trenton said:


> Without children I can't relate. Didn't even cross my mind. I'd go insane sitting at home all day. I can't imagine wanting to do it but I guess if they want to and the man is willing, each to his own.


Yea, even with children, I've not stayed home past their first year.

Oh, with one friend, her husband isn't willing. She's just a big betch and complains until she gets her way. lol.


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## chattycathy

Cleaning is a habit people either have or don't.
The habit can be learned but something has to inspire a person to learn it.
Children in the mix complicate it. They are messy and demand attention.

No children in the mix and a stay at home person still needs to be inspired to create the habit.

Not all people are cooks or cleaners. Some are. Obviously you are. 

I cook and clean but don't enjoy it. I would prefer another person do both.

I feed my family and keep our junk in order. I don't tend to do floors or windows.

I tidy, dust, do laundry (hate it), cook healthy meals.


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## that_girl

chattycathy said:


> Cleaning is a habit people either have or don't.
> The habit can be learned but something has to inspire a person to learn it.
> Children in the mix complicate it. They are messy and demand attention.
> 
> No children in the mix and a stay at home person still needs to be inspired to create the habit.
> 
> Not all people are cooks or cleaners. Some are. Obviously you are.
> 
> I cook and clean but don't enjoy it. I would prefer another person do both.
> 
> I feed my family and keep our junk in order. I don't tend to do floors or windows.
> 
> I tidy, dust, do laundry (hate it), cook healthy meals.


Very true. However, these are things that should be discussed before marriage. Many people don't talk about this and are frustrated and irritated after the honeymoon is over.

And anything can become a habit after 30 days


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## Trenton

chattycathy said:


> Cleaning is a habit people either have or don't.
> The habit can be learned but something has to inspire a person to learn it.
> Children in the mix complicate it. They are messy and demand attention.
> 
> No children in the mix and a stay at home person still needs to be inspired to create the habit.
> 
> Not all people are cooks or cleaners. Some are. Obviously you are.
> 
> I cook and clean but don't enjoy it. I would prefer another person do both.
> 
> I feed my family and keep our junk in order. I don't tend to do floors or windows.
> 
> I tidy, dust, do laundry (hate it), cook healthy meals.


Does anyone love laundry? My 14 year old had a habit of cleaning her room ='s tossing the clean clothes I put folded on her bed back into the dirty laundry. AHHHHH

I ended that by having her do her own laundry for a few weeks and standing on top of her, which was actually harder for me with my laundry schedule, but then lectured her on the choices she has and haven't had a problem with that since. I hate laundry!

The fact that you fit in healthy meals is great and not an easy feat in and of itself.


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## Trenton

And a tip I'll add for Mom's who work or Mom's who stay home but have little ones and don't have the time (especially newborns) is to hire someone to clean your house once every two weeks. My Mom is giving this as a gift to me for my birthday and I can't wait. They do a thorough cleaning including tubs/toilets/dusting/even ovens and I think she said it was $60 a visit. Even if you just get it done before holidays or whatnot.


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## pidge70

A common misconception about me and my OCD is people think I LOVE to clean. I in fact hate it! Just a coping mechanism I developed to deal with stress and a traumatic childhood.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov

I agree, it can be a thankless job. To those spouses who come home to a messy house... go way overboard thanking the "cleaner" and let them know how appreciated it is to come home to a clean house. 
It's also not very challenging to the brain. SAH parents need a break. A couple of hours a week where the kids go to a sitter, and the parent gets to do things with other adults. 
Some parents love it, those that don't need a break.
And those parents that forego cleaning in order to play with the kids? 
the house will get cleaned eventually. 
When I was a kid, my mom stayed home. Our house was spotless. But that's my only memories of my mom. Her getting mad about stuff laying around and always cleaning. I have ZERO memories of her playing with us. Ever.


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## that_girl

Trenton said:


> And a tip I'll add for Mom's who work or Mom's who stay home but have little ones and don't have the time (especially newborns) is to hire someone to clean your house once every two weeks. My Mom is giving this as a gift to me for my birthday and I can't wait. They do a thorough cleaning including tubs/toilets/dusting/even ovens and I think she said it was $60 a visit. Even if you just get it done before holidays or whatnot.


I do this!  I love it. Sometimes I call on a Friday when I know we're too busy that weekend and they come and do the big stuff.

My goal is in 9 months, when my car is paid off, to have a service come in and clean 2 times a month. Just the big stuff. I can do the little things. Our house is large and I work full time...so...why not?

I do like cleaning though. Pinesol is my best friend. I clean usually at night. It's not rare to find me scrubbing toilets at midnight. lol. At least then I know a child won't come behind me and mess everything up right away!


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## that_girl

deejov said:


> I agree, it can be a thankless job. To those spouses who come home to a messy house... go way overboard thanking the "cleaner" and let them know how appreciated it is to come home to a clean house.
> It's also not very challenging to the brain. SAH parents need a break. A couple of hours a week where the kids go to a sitter, and the parent gets to do things with other adults.
> Some parents love it, those that don't need a break.
> And those parents that forego cleaning in order to play with the kids?
> the house will get cleaned eventually.
> When I was a kid, my mom stayed home. Our house was spotless. But that's my only memories of my mom. Her getting mad about stuff laying around and always cleaning. I have ZERO memories of her playing with us. Ever.


I'm home every summer. By the end of August, I want to kill myself. lol Ok so that's a little dramatic, but yea...I was not meant to be a SAHM. Oddly enough, I work with 30 children daily.


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## OhGeesh

Can't relate at all!! My wife and I share everything we both work, both raise the kids, both cook, both clean, we have joked if anything I would be a SAHD not her a SAHM. I'm just better with the kids she says. I love kids......I don't like adults very much though  I'm sure there is a disorder there somewhere.

Homework, soccer, volleyball, baseball, study, house cleaning, yard, cooking, that's me I just need to win the lottery first.


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## deejov

That is awesome!


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## FirstYearDown

Trenton said:


> Have you ever been a SAHM? It's very repetitive, boring and unappreciated job. You can say you appreciate it but society in general doesn't appreciate it and everyone has no problem telling you exactly what you're doing wrong without ever commenting on what you're doing right. You say she should feel bad about taking money but I bet you'd never say she deserves a major raise and the husband should set aside extra funds just for her. There's an imbalance in our thinking about the role itself. The payoff of doing a wonderful job doesn't come for years afterwards so it's easy to lose sight of and there are many hiccups that worry you that you've done something wrong. It also depends very much on the ages of the children, the attitude of the husband and the support system the SAHM has. If you read my first paragraph, you will see that I admire SAHM's that actually work.  I said that a SAHM *who does nothing *should feel bad about taking money. You are responding as though I wrote that all SAHM's are lazy. Please throughly read my post before you get angry.
> 
> I was a SAHM for 8 years and five of those years ran a non-profit from my home with the help of my 3 kids which was very fulfilling and helped us stay close and appreciative of one another and the world around us -but- when I chose to end that because of our family situation- I truly struggled with the shear boredom of being on call 24/7 without any real tasks besides laundry, meals, cleaning and being a taxi cab driver. My kids were older and more self sufficient and I had a lot of time to fill. I consider everything that you did to be "real tasks", just like I wrote. Did you choose to be a SAHM or was it forced on you?
> 
> Now I work full time since all three are finally in school (Kindergarten, 5th grade and freshman in hs) and find I am taking on all the previous tasks along with 40 hours of work at my job (which I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE). I get praised at my work for almost everything I do and this is a very good feeling especially since I feel my work is meaningful. I come home and face three kids who struggle with their own problems and although I know they overall appreciate me, they are still kids. I love them too and so enjoy having them around and helping/listening/solving/guiding but it's not the same.
> 
> I think the best way to get an apathetic SAHM to feel more motivated and invested in her job is to help her see its importance and help find time for her to work on her own likes/passions but men rarely do this. They complain that she's home all day and lazy but won't notice a good job she's done until she stops doing it. I think it's more to do with a slight depression and lack of feeling important in the role than anything else or a feeling that she is undervalued and not worth much.
> 
> More support, more programs, activities and networks and overall recognition of the importance of a SAHM, a complete change in the attitude that a man's (or woman's) work outside the home is worth more or harder than a woman's (or man's) inside of the home is necessary.Can't argue with this!
> 
> It's easy to judge, it really is. It is easy for me to judge LAZY stay at home mothers. I have respect for the ones that actually work in the home. Even a great SAHM who has support/finances and a personality that makes her a good fit for being a SAHM will be the first to snap at another's performance in the same role. It's really sad because the only group that loses are our children.


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## Crystal22

What is a lazy housewife?

There are plenty of lazy men who leave it to the women when they both work

Housework is boring


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## FirstYearDown

*Wish that...*

I wish that people would read my posts before they respond. I have already been attacked as though I said that all SAHM's are apathetic, when I have clearly written quite the opposite. My thread starter states that I wish society respected SAHM's (or dads) that actually contribute to a marriage, by other means than bringing in some household income.

I also used gender non specific terms and specified that any spouse who is not working, should contribute with housework.

Housework is boring, but do you think the main breadwinner goes to work because it is _fun_? :rofl: Of course not, but he or she works because they have a family to support. Life is full of tasks that we may not like and as adults, we have to accept that.


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## RoseRed

FirstYearDown said:


> I have the utmost respect for *busy *SAHM's. Parenting can often be thankless and society does not give enough credit to women that run the home. These domestic goddesses are equally as capable and intelligent as any career woman. It takes much work and dedication to keep a house clean, raise children and still have dinner on the table every night. :smthumbup:
> 
> I have recently read some very sad posts from men, who have lazy housewives. Whether the SAH partner is male or female, marriage is about give and take. If the one spouse is earning enough income to keep the other at home, I believe the other spouse should take care of housework and day time child rearing. It is only fair, right?
> 
> Please educate me on why so many women are content to lie about the house all day and do nothing?:scratchhead: Don't they feel bad about taking money, but not giving an incentive for the provider to give? When I am home, my husband comes home to dinner, a clean home and a smiling wife. It is his reward for slaving for us all day. I only skimp on housework if I am ill. No wonder my husband will do anything for me.


It all depends on each individuals definition of 'lazy'. 

Interesting though... what makes you think when a man goes to work that he is 'slaving' for the family?? Have you ever considered that he loves his job and finds it intensely fulfilling and its a requirement in his life... the paycheck being a super benefit for doing what he loves?? 

I hope your context of 'slaving' doesn't means that all men hate their jobs.

I don't go to work to 'slave' away just for that paycheck so my family can survive. 

It would be interesting from the working parents.. how many find their careers/jobs a fulfilling requirement of their life.


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## FirstYearDown

My thread was not about job fulfillment. I do like that topic though. 

I don't think that all providers hate their jobs. I just believe that they do not have the option of staying home, because they *have to* make money for their families. 

Some people are blessed enough to love what they do. Many of are not and even those that love their careers, have days when they wish they did not have to be at work. Loving what you do cannot pay the bills.

If your spouse works all day, so that you can stay at home he or she deserves to return to a clean home and a meal. If your spouse is at home and contributes by doing household chores, they deserve to be financially supported. It goes both ways and judging by some of the posts I have read, many wives do not realize that. 

If both spouses work, I think housework/childrearing should be shared according to whatever each spouse is best at. It should never be one person doing all the work, if both are employed outside the home.


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## Trenton

*Re: Wish that...*



FirstYearDown said:


> I wish that people would read my posts before they respond. I have already been attacked as though I said that all SAHM's are apathetic, when I have clearly written quite the opposite. My thread starter states that I wish society respected SAHM's (or dads) that actually contribute to a marriage, by other means than bringing in some household income.
> 
> I also used gender non specific terms and specified that any spouse who is not working, should contribute with housework.
> 
> Housework is boring, but do you think the main breadwinner goes to work because it is _fun_? :rofl: Of course not, but he or she works because they have a family to support. Life is full of tasks that we may not like and as adults, we have to accept that.


I think you don't quite have a grasp on the perspective hence my long post in response. I did read your initial post I think it is really presumptuous and broad in its topic to really hold any validity. 

You basically said, I admire SAHM's and housewives/husbands who do what I think they should but think those that don't do what I think they should really suck so can someone explain this to me?

I'm saying, there are many reasons why a SAHM might appear apathetic but if we want to change this, since being a SAHM is very stressful, unappreciated and thankless, we need to work on providing support to SAHM's and their spouses need to have a better perspective on what the job entails. I sited slight depression as a reason for their apathetic behavior because, in my experience, SAHM's tend to lose themselves to the job because it is 24/7 and they really need to be able to still have interests/hobbies/time of their own.

Also, I highly doubt that any SAHM's do nothing as you suggested. In the least, they are providing costly daycare services for their children so that the husband can work.

Since this is such an important role in their family I really think (and I don't care if it's the wife or husband staying home) that they deserve support to do this job well. I don't see criticism/lack of understanding as supportive.

When you're talking about a wife who stays home and the husband works and they don't have kids...I can't imagine that being something that would happen. It's a lack of perspective on my part. Why wouldn't the woman or man staying home want more for themselves besides caring for a home all day? I would think overall they'd want to contribute more than house services to their union. Having said that, if it works for the couple then I think there's nothing to be fixed there.

Also, I love my work so I don't consider it slaving away all day and my husband also loves his work. I just asked him if he feels he slaves away all day for a paycheck and he admits flat out that I've had to sacrifice more overall to our family and he doesn't feel he's ever been forced to slave away all day or sacrifice what he wants to do. It's why the resentment is mostly on my end in our relationship right now. That's *exactly *what we're working on in our marriage. I want things to be more equal but he doesn't want to have to give more. He'd prefer I stay home forever and do the bulk of the work so that he can work whenever and however he likes.


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## RoseRed

FirstYearDown said:


> My thread was not about job fulfillment. I do like that topic though.
> 
> I don't think that all providers hate their jobs. I just believe that they do not have the option of staying home, because they *have to* make money for their families.
> 
> Some people are blessed enough to love what they do. Many of are not and even those that love their careers, have days when they wish they did not have to be at work. Loving what you do cannot pay the bills.
> 
> If your spouse works all day, so that you can stay at home he or she deserves to return to a clean home and a meal. If your spouse is at home and contributes by doing household chores, they deserve to be financially supported. It goes both ways and judging by some of the posts I have read, many wives do not realize that.
> 
> If both spouses work, I think housework/childrearing should be shared according to whatever each spouse is best at. It should never be one person doing all the work, if both are employed outside the home.


But it is about job fulfillment... The support and fulfillment of the SAH (M/D) ...not just who brings home the bacon. 

I have to concer with Trenton, your premise is so unspecific, broad, lacks perspective and condemning.


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## FirstYearDown

I live in a very affluent area and I see women with no kids, who are at home all the time. Just because you don't see something, it doesn't mean it never happens. I have no children and I am at home, but this is only temporary due to a lack of mobility in my left hand. 

I asked a question and people are free to respond how they like, with whatever their perspectives are. A different opinion is not invalid, just because it is not shared.

I think it is great that you and your husband both love your work. In my world, despite the fact that people in my life chose their careers, they have come to dislike their jobs after years of doing the same thing.

I thought that my admiration for stay at home mothers was supportive, but perhaps you do not see it that way.

Who supports and fulfulls the person who brings home the bacon? A job is only one way that people can gain happiness. I was being very specific when I talked about SAHM's (or dads) who laze about the house all day. I did not write that all stay at home parents are the same.


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## that_girl

I don't find housework boring  I loooove the satisfaction of sitting in a clean house that I cleaned.  Right now my house smells like Pinesol and I love it!


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## Runs like Dog

I slack off. I know I do. But since The Duchess has never held a job and the kids are grown I figure if that's how she wants to spend her life, so be it. I've suggested cleaning ladies for decades - always rejected. Ok, enjoy your scullery maid life then.


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## Trenton

FirstYearDown said:


> I live in a very affluent area and I see women with no kids, who are at home all the time. Just because you don't see something, it doesn't mean it never happens. I have no children and I am at home, but this is only temporary due to a lack of mobility in my left hand.
> 
> I asked a question and people are free to respond how they like, with whatever their perspectives are. A different opinion is not invalid, just because it is not shared.
> 
> I think it is great that you and your husband both love your work. In my world, despite the fact that people in my life chose their careers, they have come to dislike their jobs after years of doing the same thing.
> 
> I thought that my admiration for stay at home mothers was supportive, but perhaps you do not see it that way.
> 
> Who supports and fulfulls the person who brings home the bacon? A job is only one way that people can gain happiness. I was being very specific when I talked about SAHM's (or dads) who laze about the house all day. I did not write that all stay at home parents are the same.


You know the expression...opinions are like buttholes, everyone has one. Yeah, it's pretty much true but I think we agree here more than you think. I do believe relationships should be equal and both partners should feel valued and appreciated for their roles and carry equal shares unless one or the other doesn't mind carrying a heavier load.

You do seem supportive of SAHM's and I understand what you're saying, what I'm saying is society is more appreciative of the person with a paycheck because our society most values the dollar.

So society values the paycheck more than the SAHM. This is what I'm saying. A person who works and gets paid a descent sum can feel naturally appreciated in society. Do you see what I'm saying?

I am fairly blunt so I think you're misinterpreting my text to be an attack on your personal beliefs but I'm actually just trying to give you a different perspective on how a SAHM can come to feel depressed or feel she/he has little value and appear apathetic. This was in answer to your original question posed in this thread.

Like I said, if a woman is staying at home and has a husband who does everything but does nothing herself and the husband is unhappy then the relationship is unfair. We agree on this. If the husband is OK with it then that relationship works so I don't see anything wrong with it.


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## Trenton

that_girl said:


> I don't find housework boring  I loooove the satisfaction of sitting in a clean house that I cleaned.  Right now my house smells like Pinesol and I love it!


Until the kids come home and tromp all over the floor seconds later with muddy feet. 

Ah but they're so darn cute carrying a cricket in a cup I just washed five minutes before. :rofl:


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## Trenton

Runs like Dog said:


> I slack off. I know I do. But since The Duchess has never held a job and the kids are grown I figure if that's how she wants to spend her life, so be it. I've suggested cleaning ladies for decades - always rejected. Ok, enjoy your scullery maid life then.


A case of the chronic martyr? To the plank with her then!


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## joe kidd

I try to help. She has her method, yes a method. She has OCD and my helping just gets in her way. It stresses her more than me just sitting and watching. So I just ask what she needs, if she wants help I give it, if not I do my own thing.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Worst job I ever had was being a SAHM. It sucked, it was thankless and it drove me insane.
Yes, there are plenty of lazy women out there. Women who take for granted their position in the marriage. I do however find that to be rare, rather than the norm. 
You also have to take each post with a grain of salt. I mean, if I were to believe every post then it would go something like this: my wife is fat and lazy, plays on facebook all day long, doesn't do the dishes/laundry/bathe herself. The kids fend for themselves. She is a ball busting shrew. Me? I'm 6'2", work out 15 hours a week, work 18 hour days and cook/clean/take care of my kids. She does nothing, I do everything. Do you REALLY think that is the case? If it is, then why is somebody so adept at multitasking/working/handling everything be with someone so enept? 

I suppose my husband could come here and say "back when our first child was born, I worked 9 hour days and then went to grad school at night. My wife didn't work, only stayed home taking care of a kid. There were dishes in the sink and my favorite meal wasn't ready for me when I got home. She is clearly lazy and doesn't care about me". OR he could come here and say "I worked 9 hour days and went to grad school because I wanted to further my earning potential and she used her inheritance to pay for it, she stayed home taking care of our infant son because daycare would have cost $1400 a month after taxes and she wouldn't have earned much more to make it worth it (ss, gas, clothing). There were dishes in the sink because the dishwasher broke and she was soaking the pans. She didn't make my favorite meal because it is beef tenderloin and we couldn't afford that expense. She showed her love because of the sacrifices she made, allowing me to pursue my dreams".
See the difference? It's all in how you spin it and yes, my husband would pick the later, non lazy wife approach.


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## FirstYearDown

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Worst job I ever had was being a SAHM. It sucked, it was thankless and it drove me insane.This why I respect the ones that aren't out at the spa all day and leave their families with dirty clothes and no dinner.
> Yes, there are plenty of lazy women out there. Women who take for granted their position in the marriage. I do however find that to be rare, rather than the norm. I find the lazy ones to be more frequent.
> You also have to take each post with a grain of salt. I mean, if I were to believe every post then it would go something like this: my wife is fat and lazy, plays on facebook all day long, doesn't do the dishes/laundry/bathe herself. The kids fend for themselves. She is a ball busting shrew. Me? I'm 6'2", work out 15 hours a week, work 18 hour days and cook/clean/take care of my kids. She does nothing, I do everything. Do you REALLY think that is the case? There are two posts that I came across that stand out in my mind. I don't believe the posts where the men take no responsibility for the marriage problems. What you are describing is clearly impossible.If it is, then why is somebody so adept at multitasking/working/handling everything be with someone so enept?
> 
> I suppose my husband could come here and say "back when our first child was born, I worked 9 hour days and then went to grad school at night. My wife didn't work, only stayed home taking care of a kid. There were dishes in the sink and my favorite meal wasn't ready for me when I got home. She is clearly lazy and doesn't care about me". OR he could come here and say "I worked 9 hour days and went to grad school because I wanted to further my earning potential and she used her inheritance to pay for it, she stayed home taking care of our infant son because daycare would have cost $1400 a month after taxes and she wouldn't have earned much more to make it worth it (ss, gas, clothing). There were dishes in the sink because the dishwasher broke and she was soaking the pans. She didn't make my favorite meal because it is beef tenderloin and we couldn't afford that expense. She showed her love because of the sacrifices she made, allowing me to pursue my dreams".The point is, you GAVE your inheritance money, looked after your son and soaked the pans. You did not just watch TV and eat candy all day, you contributed. My post was directed at women who contribute precious little, while not working outside the home. You and Trenton are not the kind of SAHM's I was referring to.
> See the difference? It's all in how you spin it and yes, my husband would pick the later, non lazy wife approach.


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## that_girl

When I taught preschool, I'd have children in there from 7am to 6pm and their moms would pick them up at the last minute and talk to me about their days of lunches, shopping and other such nonsense. Once in a while, those days are awesome. But every day? lol Must be nice.


----------



## FirstYearDown

Trenton said:


> You know the expression...opinions are like buttholes, everyone has one. Yeah, it's pretty much true but I think we agree here more than you think. I do believe relationships should be equal and both partners should feel valued and appreciated for their roles and carry equal shares unless one or the other doesn't mind carrying a heavier load.:iagree::iagree:
> 
> You do seem supportive of SAHM's and I understand what you're saying, what I'm saying is society is more appreciative of the person with a paycheck because our society most values the dollar. I said that too. It's awful, isn't it?
> 
> So society values the paycheck more than the SAHM. This is what I'm saying. A person who works and gets paid a descent sum can feel naturally appreciated in society. Do you see what I'm saying? I see what you are saying and it disgusts me. I think that a husband should make it a point, to show appreciation if they have a great SAHM.
> 
> I am fairly blunt so I think you're misinterpreting my text to be an attack on your personal beliefs but I'm actually just trying to give you a different perspective on how a SAHM can come to feel depressed or feel she/he has little value and appear apathetic. This was in answer to your original question posed in this thread.If I was made to feel less valuable because I cannot work right now, I would certainly feel depressed. Do you find that your husband did not appreciate you when you were home?
> 
> Like I said, if a woman is staying at home and has a husband who does everything but does nothing herself and the husband is unhappy then the relationship is unfair. We agree on this. If the husband is OK with it then that relationship works so I don't see anything wrong with it.I just don't think it's fair at all and most husbands would not be okay with such an arrangement. I am very glad that you understand that I don't hate SAHM's. My mother wanted to be one, but our family needed the income. Now she is home with her grandchildren and she is beyond bored.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

I love being a SAHM ! Though I would royally suck at being a "Home Schooling Mom", that is not something I could do. I thank God for Teachers & our school system. 

I seen this on a friend's FB the other day


> Do I work? Yes I'm a Mom!
> 
> That makes me an alarm clock, cook, maid, doctor, fashion adviser & stylist, waitress, teacher, nanny, nurse, handyman, security, photographer, counselor, chauffeur, lifelong student, event planner, personal assistant, friend, ATM & comforter.
> 
> I don't get holidays, sick pay or day off.I work thru DAY & NITE. I'm on call every hour for the rest of my life.


Sometimes I feel I missed the College Experience, my son is having the time of his Life, and his stories make me feel I missed out somehow, but back then -the drive for staying by my boyfriend's side & thoughts of an Old Fashioned Life was stronger than getting a degree when I was nearing Graduation . When I grew up I loved watching the Waltons & Little House on the Prairie ... for me , that was "*the life *" ... barefoot & pregnant living on a Farm. I know this is odd. I am very old fashioned at heart. 

I never get bored at home. I always have SOMETHING to occupy MY MIND while I am doing all of those mundane repetitious tasks......I listen to music & sing, listen to "talk radio", the news on in the background, post on TAM inbetween tasks, talking on the phone to friends (speakerphone is a must), my mind is never bored. I sometimes sit down & play with my only little guy left at home, watch a movie with him. I SHOULD take more time, this I am guilty of. In the summer, I swing him in the hammock, we take walks with the dog. In my lazy time, I love to get a good book and lay under a shade tree with a blanket. 

I am the type that, if my house is not in order, I can NOT rest, I have to have clean floors, my dishes done & things put away or I am not very happy, even irritated . There is always a drive to "get this done" before I can "enjoy that"- which motivates me. Growing up, my best GF was a Messy, every time I spent the night, I was compelled to organize her room -as we talked & laughed, it just kinda bugged me, of coarse she didn't mind it either. 

I do think you either have a clean gene or you don't. 

My husband's Mom is a Hoarder (extreme example here), It does appear to run in the family (she is SO bad, she could be on "Hoarders") -she had a brother like that and 2 of the kids (out of 4). My husband is not one of them- thank God he seems to have taken after his dad. Funny, how his dad's side was the complete & utter opposite... his family members were the immaculate Sparkly clean type -so clean you could eat off their floors, never clutter & you'd never dare enter with shoes. He was so embarrassed of his own house, it caused such a DIVIDE in their marraige -he never wanted to be home. I felt bad for his dad. When she would leave, he would start burning stuff. She would throw a fit, then she would never go anywhere so he could not clean it out. 



Trenton said:


> You say she should feel bad about taking money but I bet you'd never say she deserves a major raise and the husband should set aside extra funds just for her.


My husband lets me handle all the $$ -it is one thing I do as a SAHM, all the checkbooks, bills, shopping, credit cards, I call for the best cd rates, etc, whatever we buy, he allows me full reign to his earnings. I research online-reading reviews & finding the best prices to be had. Coupons, rebates, I used to belong to a frugal forum. 




> They complain that she's home all day and lazy but won't notice a good job she's done until she stops doing it. I think it's more to do with a slight depression and lack of feeling important in the role than anything else or a feeling that she is undervalued and not worth much


 *I do think this would cause many women to get depressed...if truly they are doing a DECENT to honorable Job and never getting a word of praise or a word of appreciation for it. It shouldn't be*. 

*BUT*.... going back to my father in law, who worked every day, 2 jobs at one time in their earlier marriage, while he always came home to a good cooked meal, and she was a loving faithful woman with a pleasant laid back personality....still the JUNK accumulated out of thin air, he built a 3 stall garage from his own hands..... she filled 2 stalls to the ceiling. He never denied her $$ - but she only turned around and bought more JUNK! 

Shortly After his death -the 3rd is filled to the ceiling! We weren't surprised. She used to complain about him and I sat there thinking "Woman, LOOK at this house!" - I kept my mouth shut but he deserved better. She was NOT holding up her womanly end at all . She was never depressed -she had friends, she did painting, into her kids , stable ..but still -the hoarding continued. He was embarrased to have this own family come to his house. 

I don't know if it is a sickness or what, but she does NOT want to get better. Family members have offered to pay for a dumpster, help her, she just gets offended & quits talking to them. This is extreme I realize. I think she would have been better off working -since staying home caused JUNK to grow to the point of filling rooms. At least when he was alive, it was kept at some sort of bay. 



> It's easy to judge, it really is. Even a great SAHM who has support/finances and a personality that makes her a good fit for being a SAHM will be the first to snap at another's performance in the same role. It's really sad because the only group that loses are our children.



I will admit--I DO judge on this. Situations like my MIL, even one of my friends, who doesn't always cook for her husband, I've been to her house, where he comes in & has to raid the fridge himself. It is typical. These women are able bodied, MIL thinks nothing of going to garage sale after garage sale but her house is a disgrace. My friend eats out with her dad a few times a week , she watches TV all day & he has to help himself when he gets home searching the fridge. I don't think he accually complains about it, he is just USED to it. 

I have much more sympathy for the WORKING MOM who is behind, that makes sense to me! My hats are off to them. I personally would not want to walk in their shoes. 

True, I get on this computer and waste alot of my time - I could be doing something MORE Productive. This is my free time. I make sure to get all of my work done before he walks through that door. I would be upset with myself otherwise. There are days I get lazy or was doing alot of running, maybe we'll eat pancakes or scrambled eggs or something. If I was downright lazy (I know when I am) -I will outright tell him I was a complete BUM all day. He just smiles, cause he knows it is rare. 

 I can easily get my entire day done from starting at 6am till about 10- 11am . Sometimes I cook for 3 days -all at one time -just to get it over with-- If I have other plans for the next day or something. With a big family, I cook mostly from scratch (boxed is way too pricey- that is not allowed).... and I even have a few small side jobs in addition to being a SAHM. 

I enjoy it all so It doesn't seem like "work" to me, I see it more as a Privilege- in this day and age. THat we can survive on what he makes, and make it work well....still having some left over for family vacations , new roofs, whatever comes.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

First year,
We don't disagree. Plenty of lazy to go around. My point in posting here was that there are always two sides to every story. What you are hearing is only one side. My example was case in point. Depending on how you spin it, you garner the most sympathy. That was all.


That girl, yes, I have seen that as well. I live in an affluent neighborhood and there are women like that. Show up in their tennis outfits and BMW's and moan about their tough day. I know many who had nannies when the kids were younger and the mothers still considered themselves SAHM's. On the flip side I have known men who through kissing butt garnered a very nice position at a company, an expense account, corporate Amex and do little to nothing work wise, unless you consider having your female assistant handle nearly everything while you are out wining and dining with "clients". Hardly "slaving away" like they are pouring metal in Detroit. Those two examples tend to marry each other, so yeah, water reaches its own level.
I highly doubt that is the case with most who post here though. I think most of what this is about is perceived value, as Trenton mentioned. A SAHM is viewed negatively in that she doesn't "contribute". It is easy to get stuck in that mentality. How many times have you heard "she is spending MY money". Really? Your money? Or rather in the case of marital strife "cut off YOUR money from her". Again, your money? T made an excellent point when she said that the person who doesn't contribute financially is often times seen as lazy but is that the case?
Again, I go back to the early days of my marriage and how it could be spun.


----------



## that_girl

No one is saying SAHMs dont' work.

The OP talked about lazy ones and I do know some! They don't play with their kids, they don't clean, cook, laundry...nothing.

Then they complain that their husband doesn't want to sleep with them or find them attractive. 

SAHMotherhood is a good thing. Do what you do. I get home by 3:30 everyday so I have basically the same hours as my kids and it is a long afternoon until hubs gets home around 8pm. 

But I'm not longer lazy. I was!! But I was working fulltime too (6 hour days compared to hubs' 12 hour days).

I dunno. I was just talking about my friends who say they don't cook, clean, do laundry, etc...but they won't work (with kids in school or without kids). Makes no sense to me. Their husbands aren't happy either...


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## that_girl

For the record, I am a SAHM and I have a job. Ok, so I don't stay home but I do all the cleaning, cooking, etc (ok well 90%). Hubs does our yard (which suuuucks and is HUGE and I won't touch it except my garden) and works twice as many hours as I do.

It's hard work. It's thankless and boring at times....


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## FirstYearDown

Simply Amorous, there is nothing odd about being old fashioned. It is what you and your husband are happy with.

That_girl, thank you for clarifying my thread.:smthumbup: I WAS only talking about the airheads you mentioned, along with the so called SAHM's who have nannies. 

I have the clean gene, because I my mother had undiagnosed OCD. Our house was so sparkling that people felt uncomfortable soiling a dish. Now that she is home again, she mops the floor at least twice a day. She constantly asks my husband if I am keeping our place clean enough. If he ever said no, my mother would think that she did not "train" her daughter well. 

Trenton, I appreciate the different perspective.  I'm on your side.


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## Therealbrighteyes

SA,
What would you say if one day your husband came home and claimed it was "his money"? How many times have you heard this here? Me, plenty. I admire you for at that you do and the love between you guys. Hopefully you understand that you ARE unique in this situation and that most men do not see being a SAHM as valuable for what they do.


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## that_girl

Thank god my husband could NEVER say it's his money. I was with someone who pulled that garbage. Never again.

I just mowed the lawn. I never do yard work but Hubs is moving furniture and he did the dishes last night AND he's fixing our washing machine lolll.


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## joe kidd

Therealbrighteyes said:


> SA,
> What would you say if one day your husband came home and claimed it was "his money"? How many times have you heard this here? Me, plenty. I admire you for at that you do and the love between you guys. Hopefully you understand that you ARE unique in this situation and that most men do not see being a SAHM as valuable for what they do.


"My Money" was never a concept that crossed my mind. I earn 3 times what she does but it's our money. Why make her feel like she doesn't contribute because of wages. She keeps the house running. I know full well a magic elf doesn't keep food here, laundry clean, kids fed. Thankless job she has.


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## that_girl

joe kidd said:


> "My Money" was never a concept that crossed my mind. I earn 3 times what she does but it's our money. Why make her feel like she doesn't contribute because of wages. She keeps the house running. I know full well a magic elf doesn't keep food here, laundry clean, kids fed. Thankless job she has.


I would love a magic elf. lol.

Oh wait, I have kids. :smthumbup:


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## joe kidd

that_girl said:


> I would love a magic elf. lol.
> 
> Oh wait, I have kids. :smthumbup:


Oh believe me a magic elf would be great. I would so put his ass to work. LOL


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## Therealbrighteyes

joe kidd said:


> "My Money" was never a concept that crossed my mind. I earn 3 times what she does but it's our money. Why make her feel like she doesn't contribute because of wages. She keeps the house running. I know full well a magic elf doesn't keep food here, laundry clean, kids fed. Thankless job she has.


Exactly. My husband earns 5 times what I do and if he ever pulled that crap, that would be the last thing he ever did in our marriage.
Read here though and the meme goes like this 'cut off her discretionary spending", "don't deposit YOUR paycheck anymore", "take away access to YOUR money" as a punishment to her. I've never heard take HALF your money and deposit it in to another account as she owns the other half......not in the case of a SAHM. Not once. My point again being, SAHM's ARE viewed as contributing less.


----------



## Trenton

FYD, we're all different. A husband might enjoy feeling that they provide the life the woman they love deserves and a wife might feel comfortable being taken care of. I don't know, it takes all kinds.

To answer your question, my husband appreciated(es) it as in he recognized(es) how much work I did(do) and he definitely told me that regularly along with telling me I was a great wife/lover/woman/mother but he's unable to contribute more than he has in the past. He also defines himself by his job and works relentlessly often unable to fill me in on what's going on which has always infuriated me. 

It's always been between us and may eventually separate us but it's odd, we are so enmeshed in one another's lives that it is near impossible for me to begin to truly imagine my life without him. I have to learn to accept that this is what it will most likely always be or put my foot down and be willing to leave. The problem being I only have one foot down and can't seem to commit to putting the other one down. We mostly have very, very good days but as soon as he has a pitch at work or something at work requires him to work 24/7 we regress backwards. Sigh. There are worse hurdles to have to jump over, I know.


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## joe kidd

FWIW I would rather work 80 hrs a week then be a SAHD. I believe that would be a much harder job then the one I currently have.


----------



## Trenton

SimplyAmorous said:


> I love being a SAHM ! Though I would royally suck at being a "Home Schooling Mom", that is not something I could do. I thank God for Teachers & our school system.
> 
> I seen this on a friend's FB the other day
> 
> Sometimes I feel I missed the College Experience, my son is having the time of his Life, and his stories make me feel I missed out somehow, but back then -the drive for staying by my boyfriend's side & thoughts of an Old Fashioned Life was stronger than getting a degree when I was nearing Graduation . When I grew up I loved watching the Waltons & Little House on the Prairie ... for me , that was "*the life *" ... barefoot & pregnant living on a Farm. I know this is odd. I am very old fashioned at heart.
> 
> I never get bored at home. I always have SOMETHING to occupy MY MIND while I am doing all of those mundane repetitious tasks......I listen to music & sing, listen to "talk radio", the news on in the background, post on TAM inbetween tasks, talking on the phone to friends (speakerphone is a must), my mind is never bored. I sometimes sit down & play with my only little guy left at home, watch a movie with him. I SHOULD take more time, this I am guilty of. In the summer, I swing him in the hammock, we take walks with the dog. In my lazy time, I love to get a good book and lay under a shade tree with a blanket.
> 
> I am the type that, if my house is not in order, I can NOT rest, I have to have clean floors, my dishes done & things put away or I am not very happy, even irritated . There is always a drive to "get this done" before I can "enjoy that"- which motivates me. Growing up, my best GF was a Messy, every time I spent the night, I was compelled to organize her room -as we talked & laughed, it just kinda bugged me, of coarse she didn't mind it either.
> 
> I do think you either have a clean gene or you don't.
> 
> My husband's Mom is a Hoarder (extreme example here), It does appear to run in the family (she is SO bad, she could be on "Hoarders") -she had a brother like that and 2 of the kids (out of 4). My husband is not one of them- thank God he seems to have taken after his dad. Funny, how his dad's side was the complete & utter opposite... his family members were the immaculate Sparkly clean type -so clean you could eat off their floors, never clutter & you'd never dare enter with shoes. He was so embarrassed of his own house, it caused such a DIVIDE in their marraige -he never wanted to be home. I felt bad for his dad. When she would leave, he would start burning stuff. She would throw a fit, then she would never go anywhere so he could not clean it out.
> 
> 
> My husband lets me handle all the $$ -it is one thing I do as a SAHM, all the checkbooks, bills, shopping, credit cards, I call for the best cd rates, etc, whatever we buy, he allows me full reign to his earnings. I research online-reading reviews & finding the best prices to be had. Coupons, rebates, I used to belong to a frugal forum.
> 
> 
> *I do think this would cause many women to get depressed...if truly they are doing a DECENT to honorable Job and never getting a word of praise or a word of appreciation for it. It shouldn't be*.
> 
> *BUT*.... going back to my father in law, who worked every day, 2 jobs at one time in their earlier marriage, while he always came home to a good cooked meal, and she was a loving faithful woman with a pleasant laid back personality....still the JUNK accumulated out of thin air, he built a 3 stall garage from his own hands..... she filled 2 stalls to the ceiling. He never denied her $$ - but she only turned around and bought more JUNK!
> 
> Shortly After his death -the 3rd is filled to the ceiling! We weren't surprised. She used to complain about him and I sat there thinking "Woman, LOOK at this house!" - I kept my mouth shut but he deserved better. She was NOT holding up her womanly end at all . She was never depressed -she had friends, she did painting, into her kids , stable ..but still -the hoarding continued. He was embarrased to have this own family come to his house.
> 
> I don't know if it is a sickness or what, but she does NOT want to get better. Family members have offered to pay for a dumpster, help her, she just gets offended & quits talking to them. This is extreme I realize. I think she would have been better off working -since staying home caused JUNK to grow to the point of filling rooms. At least when he was alive, it was kept at some sort of bay.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I will admit--I DO judge on this. Situations like my MIL, even one of my friends, who doesn't always cook for her husband, I've been to her house, where he comes in & has to raid the fridge himself. It is typical. These women are able bodied, MIL thinks nothing of going to garage sale after garage sale but her house is a disgrace. My friend eats out with her dad a few times a week , she watches TV all day & he has to help himself when he gets home searching the fridge. I don't think he accually complains about it, he is just USED to it.
> 
> I have much more sympathy for the WORKING MOM who is behind, that makes sense to me! My hats are off to them. I personally would not want to walk in their shoes.
> 
> True, I get on this computer and waste alot of my time - I could be doing something MORE Productive. This is my free time. I make sure to get all of my work done before he walks through that door. I would be upset with myself otherwise. There are days I get lazy or was doing alot of running, maybe we'll eat pancakes or scrambled eggs or something. If I was downright lazy (I know when I am) -I will outright tell him I was a complete BUM all day. He just smiles, cause he knows it is rare.
> 
> I can easily get my entire day done from starting at 6am till about 10- 11am . Sometimes I cook for 3 days -all at one time -just to get it over with-- If I have other plans for the next day or something. With a big family, I cook mostly from scratch (boxed is way too pricey- that is not allowed).... and I even have a few small side jobs in addition to being a SAHM.
> 
> I enjoy it all so It doesn't seem like "work" to me, I see it more as a Privilege- in this day and age. THat we can survive on what he makes, and make it work well....still having some left over for family vacations , new roofs, whatever comes.


 I saw it as a privilege too and one I will never regret. 

I now see working at a job I love as another privilege. I am very grateful for my life. I do wish Moms were more easy on one another. No doubt that once you have children you're walking around with their hearts on the outside of your chest always trying to protect them and do well by them and at the same time still make room for yourself. It's far more rough than most will admit but it's also extremely rewarding.


----------



## that_girl

joe kidd said:


> FWIW I would rather work 80 hrs a week then be a SAHD. I believe that would be a much harder job then the one I currently have.


Work is my escape LOLLL

My kids are awesome but I do like getting out and talking to adults.


----------



## Trenton

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Exactly. My husband earns 5 times what I do and if he ever pulled that crap, that would be the last thing he ever did in our marriage.
> Read here though and the meme goes like this 'cut off her discretionary spending", "don't deposit YOUR paycheck anymore", "take away access to YOUR money" as a punishment to her. I've never heard take HALF your money and deposit it in to another account as she owns the other half......not in the case of a SAHM. Not once. My point again being, SAHM's ARE viewed as contributing less.


Yes, exactly my point as well. I can't stand it when I read this. I feel like saying...where are the posts that say, "Reward her by setting up a savings fund worth $200/wk as a bonus for her amazing job", "Give her vacation and sick time to make sure you recognize that she deserves time to care for herself too and doesn't feel taken advantage of or as if she wants to quit". 

I mean, do we really believe that it's equal in regards to perception of roles in relation to the dollar? We don't and it seems we're far more likely as a society to punish rather than reward in regards to homemakers and stay at home mothers.


----------



## southbound

I'm sure it depends on one's personality. I'm a guy, and did more than my share of housework when I was married. Due to a lot of vacation time connected with my job, I would often take full control of it for weeks. Honestly, I never understood what the big deal was. I've worked various jobs in my life; everything from hard manual labor to jobs that required a lot more mental labor. To be honest, housework is the easiest job I've had, but I'm sure it depends on the person.

Some say it's boring, mundane, and repetitive, and that they would go crazy staying at home all day; it is repetitive, but that didn't bother me. I enjoy being at home. I'm not looking for action and a crowd of people all the time. Did i enjoy it? Well, not particularly, but it was satisfying to see freshly vacuumed carpets and a closet hanging full of clean clothes. I'm sure, however, it could drive a person crazy who has a personality to want to be involved in something all the time.

On the other hand, I don't understand people who just want to sit on the couch and eat chetoos and watch tv 24/7 while the house turns into a disaster zone and nobody even has a pair of clean underwear available.


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## Runs like Dog

Some people are just lazy and useless and want to be taken care of like little kids. "I do" to them means "Not ever again and not for you"


----------



## FirstYearDown

Trenton said:


> FYD, we're all different. A husband might enjoy feeling that they provide the life the woman they love deserves and a wife might feel comfortable being taken care of. I don't know, it takes all kinds. I have learned to allow and enjoy my husband looking after me. I look after him too.
> 
> To answer your question, my husband appreciated(es) it as in he recognized(es) how much work I did(do) and he definitely told me that regularly along with telling me I was a great wife/lover/woman/mother but he's unable to contribute more than he has in the past. He also defines himself by his job and works relentlessly often unable to fill me in on what's going on which has always infuriated me.
> I often hear of men who define themselves by work. Have you ever asked him why he cannot contribute more?
> It's always been between us and may eventually separate us but it's odd, we are so enmeshed in one another's lives that it is near impossible for me to begin to truly imagine my life without him. I have to learn to accept that this is what it will most likely always be or put my foot down and be willing to leave. The problem being I only have one foot down and can't seem to commit to putting the other one down. When you share history and children, it is hard to walk away. We mostly have very, very good days but as soon as he has a pitch at work or something at work requires him to work 24/7 we regress backwards. Sigh. There are worse hurdles to have to jump over, I know.


I hope that you and he can someday jump over this hurdle. I think the good days give you hope, which is good.


----------



## FirstYearDown

Runs like Dog said:


> Some people are just lazy and useless and want to be taken care of like little kids. "I do" to them means "Not ever again and not for you"


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## Runs like Dog

It's not complicated. People aren't that inscrutable. 


"Why do you act like you hate me?"

"Because I sort of do"


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

Trenton said:


> I mean, do we really believe that it's equal in regards to perception of roles in relation to the dollar? We don't and it seems we're far more likely as a society to punish rather than reward in regards to homemakers and stay at home mothers.


I will never forget when my mother had a mental breakdown due to family dying all around her and she begged my father to take 2 days off to take care of us so she could get away just to be alone. We were 6. His response? Isn't this what I pay you to do? All you have to do is take care of two kids, it's not that hard. I have real work to do.
In open court after 38 years of marriage he said and I quote "She never worked a day in her life and doesn't deserve MY money". Thankfully the court disagreed. 
Read some of what is posted here and I swear, it is the ghost of my father.


----------



## chillymorn

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Exactly. My husband earns 5 times what I do and if he ever pulled that crap, that would be the last thing he ever did in our marriage.
> Read here though and the meme goes like this 'cut off her discretionary spending", "don't deposit YOUR paycheck anymore", "take away access to YOUR money" as a punishment to her. I've never heard take HALF your money and deposit it in to another account as she owns the other half......not in the case of a SAHM. Not once. My point again being, SAHM's ARE viewed as contributing less.


they contribute less finacialy, and thats all the husband has to bargin with.


just like a woman who shuts off sex for whaterevr reason because her precieved needs are not being met. and most time won't even comunicate about it because it would sound very bad.


my needs are not being met so no sex for you. what needs baby ,well if you don't know I'm not telling get old real fast.


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## Therealbrighteyes

chillymorn said:


> they contribute less finacialy, and thats all the husband has to bargin with.
> 
> 
> .


Then pay for childcare on your own. It was $1400 per kid back in CA in 1993. So how exactly are they contributing less?


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Therealbrighteyes said:


> SA,
> What would you say if one day your husband came home and claimed it was "his money"? How many times have you heard this here? Me, plenty. I admire you for at that you do and the love between you guys. Hopefully you understand that you ARE unique in this situation and that most men do not see being a SAHM as valuable for what they do.


You are right, we hear that plenty here...and automatically 2 things comes to my mind....

*1) *Either the husband is unappreciative & controlling , could be a massive JERK who has no compassion and rules with an iron fist , add that he may look down upon women , some even use the Bible to do it...I have a girlfriend in this situation, he gives her just about nothing , they have 2 kids, I have helped her with groceries, gas money-I don't allow her to repay me cause she will never have it anyway. She is always hanging from a shoe string not knowing how she is going to pay for something & she is not a big waster either. 

Even at her house, when she speaks to him, I've witnessed he will not even look up at her, no respect, I see it as abusive. BUt she chooses to stay , some friends have cut her off because she chooses to stay with this man. I won't do that. 

She keeps a good house, she is a wonderful woman who goes around singing & writing the praises of Jesus cause I think it HELPS HER remain in her hellish marriage. Her Church family is a bigger influence in her life than her husband. Now that is a situation where the HUSBAND is clearly doing wrong, is unappreciative, using his authority to prove he is worth more (Anyone could tell he has anger issues to some degree)-also he must not keep Jobs long, always inbetween them, He will not even share with her what he makes. Some men , yeah, are clearly in the wrong, A-hole attitude, controlling , abusive in this issue. 

but then.... we have this also.... 

*2) *WIFE is pampered, used to getting what she wants, or feels she DESERVES whatever she wants, maybe her parents gave her too much, she never learned the value of a dallor, or had to work for it. Maybe she got carried away using her husbands $$ (if she had full access), to the point of not being able to pay their bills, starts hiding her spending, putting them in debt (where otherwise it might not have been so- had she been more careful, used some restraint). 

Or if they had a goal to save for the future, maybe for a down payment on their dream house - and she was consistently going over their budget for this. I mean, we are all weak in some area, don't tell me women are all "above reproach" in spending, this I will not believe in the majority of cases. 

....In this scenerio, I think the husband may need to put his foot down if she insists on remaining a SAHM, she may need to take a job to help with the bill paying. I would give the HUSBAND more credit if he was responsible with this money. Now if he is as BIG of a waster as her, then maybe he has no right to judge her or take it all away--as they are both contributing to the problem. 

I had a friend in the opposite situation, she was the careful saver, the SAHM, he was the worker, and waster, it used to drive her crazy, he was constantly buying new electronics, they couldn't afford their heating billls, I would go over there & they would heat their whole house with 4 kerosene heaters cause of HIS spending habits. But what could she do. It was one of many of thier issues. 

Agreeing on $$ is damn important in marraige. 

So what about #2, should the sole breadwinner just turn a blind eye to keep peace??

Should he take on a 2nd job so he can afford his wife's spending habits ? Crazier things have happened. 

I think unless we are spending the very $$ we earned by own own hand, we need to have an awesome responsibilty in spending anothers, and if they are good reasonable men, they will see this and not restrict their wives from their paychecks.


I tell my sons now if you meet a woman who thinks she is too "good" to use Ebay or go to an occasional Flea market, turn around and walk the other way, chances are you will never make enough to "keep" her or die trying.


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## joe kidd

chillymorn said:


> they contribute less finacialy, and thats all the husband has to bargin with.
> 
> 
> just like a woman who shuts off sex for whaterevr reason because her precieved needs are not being met. and most time won't even comunicate about it because it would sound very bad.
> 
> 
> my needs are not being met so no sex for you. what needs baby ,well if you don't know I'm not telling get old real fast.


I would argue that she saves me money. Do I clip coupons? No. Do I shop for the best deal? No. Do I wait for a sale to get something I want? No again. If I did the shopping there would be alot more expense. So that in my book is contributing financially.


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## chillymorn

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Then pay for childcare on your own. It was $1400 per kid back in CA in 1993. So how exactly are they contributing less?


depends on how much the husband earns.


I know a fair amount of moms who thought staying at home being a mom was going to be their dream job and then when its much more dificult they cry foul. the wives can look for employment and send the kids to daycare if they can't handle being a stay at home mom.


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## chillymorn

joe kidd said:


> I would argue that she saves me money. Do I clip coupons? No. Do I shop for the best deal? No. Do I wait for a sale to get something I want? No again. If I did the shopping there would be alot more expense. So that in my book is contributing financially.


your missing the point.

women with hold sex and act *****y when they don't get their way and men with hold money.


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## pidge70

chillymorn said:


> your missing the point.
> 
> women with hold sex and act *****y when they don't get their way and men with hold money.



Generalizing based on a situation you may have been in is dangerous territory. Not ALL women act like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes

SimplyAmorous said:


> I tell my sons now if you meet a woman who thinks she is too "good" to use Ebay or go to an occasional Flea market, turn around and walk the other way, chances are you will never make enough to "keep" her or die trying.


Isn't THAT the truth!! I told my sons the same thing. Honestly, only a fool pays retail, regardless if they can afford it. Seriously, how awesome is it to find something at a garage sale that would normally cost $50 and you got for $5 and a little elbow grease to make new?! I love it and my sons do as well and no, they would never be serious about a woman who thought otherwise.


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## FirstYearDown

chillymorn said:


> your missing the point.
> 
> women with hold sex and act *****y when they don't get their way and men with hold money.


That is not true. I do not withhold sex unless I am ill. Being angry with my husband does not change the fact that we are lovers. 

My husband does not withhold money from me at all. He loves good meals and good sex and I provide him with both, so it works well for us. Give and take is the idea.


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## Therealbrighteyes

pidge70 said:


> Generalizing based on a situation you may have been in is dangerous territory. Not ALL women act like that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No sh!t. I read some of the responses and think what decade/century do you live in? There is one guy who repeatedly posts "well you work full time and she is a stay at home mother so you should withhold YOUR money". Nevermind that the poster never mentioned him working full time, having kids, her not working or her being a SAHM. It's like a damn time warp he is in. 
He reminds me of my husband's Uncle. On his 5th marriage and pissed off at women. Pigeon holes them in the same group....all of us based on his experience and yeah, women are the issue. Uh, no. What is the common denominator? You.


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## FirstYearDown

I associate used furniture and clothing with my old single life. I don't mind a great deal from the flea market, as long as the merchandise has not been pre loved. 

Now that I am building a life with my husband, I want everything that we use together to be brand new, just like our married life.

Of course, this doesn't mean that I shop at expensive places. I LOVE factory direct and liquidators, as well as Wal Mart for certain things. :smthumbup: Most of my clothing comes from an Iglooland retailer that rarely has items over $30.


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## FirstYearDown

Therealbrighteyes said:


> No sh!t. I read some of the responses and think what decade/century do you live in? There is one guy who repeatedly posts "well you work full time and she is a stay at home mother so you should withhold YOUR money". Nevermind that the poster never mentioned him working full time, having kids, her not working or her being a SAHM. It's like a damn time warp he is in.
> He reminds me of my husband's Uncle. On his 5th marriage and pissed off at women. Pigeon holes them in the same group....all of us based on his experience and yeah, women are the issue. Uh, no. What is the common denominator? You.


:iagree::iagree:
By the way, what does "finacialy" and "bargin" mean? :rofl::rofl:
Chillymorn is making up his own language.


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## SimplyAmorous

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Isn't THAT the truth!! I told my sons the same thing. Honestly, only a fool pays retail, regardless if they can afford it. Seriously, how awesome is it to find something at a garage sale that would normally cost $50 and you got for $5 and a little elbow grease to make new?! I love it and my sons do as well and no, they would never be serious about a woman who thought otherwise.


 There you go, you are a thrifty woman, that is worth GOLD. Really, it is sooo important, no matter what we make, nothing is written in stone, it could all crash tomorrow, sh* happens ya know. Knowing how to live on LITTLE is a gift your children will carry all of thier lives, it might even save their marraiges. 

Then I think .... I am THANKFUL for all those who aren't thrifty too -cause they enable me the opporunity to go buy thier used cars, and discarded near new clothes, for less than half what they paid . I tend to brag on these things. I was once told by a Professional man I worked for... he noticed when I got compliments, I would lay into how cheap I picked something up , and he outright told me to let them think I paid full price, that I was "demeaning myself". I probably was, but dagone it, I was still proud I picked up a deal ! He wasn't gonna take that away from me- but I listened to him and shut my mouth. 

But those things excite me.


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## SunnyT

SAHM who whine about being a SAHM, or who find themselves unfulfilled, or unappreciated.... are ones who have self-esteem problems, IMO. Other people shouldn't have to provide you with anything... money, praise, whatever. It's pleasent when they do, but not mandatory. Of course it's good to feel appreciated, but if you are doing this "for the children" (...and who else would it be for?) ...then face it, they aren't REALLY going to appreciate it til they have their own kids. 3 of mine who have children have already profusely thanked me, and apologized for being a PITA!!  

Whatever you do in life, you have GOT to be ok with yourself. You have got to know that you are doing what is right for you at this time.... even if you don't especially like it. You've got to know that things change, and you've got to be willing and able to do whatever you need to do.... work or stay home.... or both.... BOTH partners need to give 100%... there is no such thing as 50/50.

If you are confident in yourself, and in your decisions, and smart enough to know that you can always change your mind and take a different route..... then life will be good, and it won't matter what anyone says or thinks.


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## Trenton

chillymorn, not all women do that. I certainly have never done that. You can be sure if I'm not having sex it's because I don't want to for a reason but never because I'm trying to bargain.

BrightEyes & SimplyA, I am soooo thrifty but it's something my husband and I enjoy actually. We do yard sales every Saturday morning together for the past couple of weeks and I enjoy it. We get coffee, breakfast and then take $20 cash and see if we can find any bargains. 

This past Saturday morning I got a toaster, an Ann Taylor purse, a tablecloth I loooove, a motorcycle jacket for my husband, three pairs of jeans and two sweatshirts for my 11 year old (from the GAP), a cameo necklace for my daughter and two flying airplanes for my boys for a total of $13! Then twice a year we hold a benefit yard sale and donate all the funds we make to a charity that we pick as a family.


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## that_girl

Our 99cent store has AMAZING produce.

We shop at the Mexican markets for cheap meat and poultry.

Thrift stores are my friend...my kids get Target or Kohl's.

 I am not a consumer snob.


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## SimplyAmorous

Trenton said:


> Then twice a year we hold a benefit yard sale and donate all the funds we make to a charity that we pick as a family.


See, now there is something I bet YOU have a hard time with, Because I know your husband works REALLY hard, too hard for what you all have, but by no means would you consider yourselves "rich" in the sense society would (but consider yourselves blessed) , but you always take the time & the effort to give something to charity- to help others, even volunteering for such causes. I bet it bugs you when the rest of us may be a little lax--in this area, cause you figure..."*I can do this.....why can't you?". *

I think all of us "speak out of that" to some degree. (I know I do when I hear smaller families who make $100,000 more than us complaining they can't afford to live). 

You have me well beat Trenton, I am not a big giver to charities. I do give to my Church to some degree (never this 10% thing or I would likely starve my children), to help a friend in need.... beyond that I pretty near SUCK. I could probably do a little more. 

All of us can "SAVE" in so many ways in our marraiges -just look at some of your examples. ....except HEALTH CARE & Lawyers.... if you have LOUSY health insurance (I feel bad for the self employeed what they are required to pay is unbelievable) or if you have pre-existing health issues and can't get insurance - and God forbid you get sick, one trip to the Hospital, that might cost the price of your house!! And the cost of some of these perscriptions!!! Or you find yourself facing a court battle & paying these atrocious Lawyer's fees. I can't even imagine!! Having Good Health insurance, I have always felt, is like making thousands more, cause it saves you from catastrophic financial ruin. 

For anybody in those situations, my heart goes out to them.


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## chillymorn

FirstYearDown said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> By the way, what does "finacialy" and "bargin" mean? :rofl::rofl:
> Chillymorn is making up his own language.


glad I could give you a laugh.

do you pick on bald fat guys and laugh in their face!

so I'm not the best speller you new what I ment.


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## Halien

My wife was a SAHM when the kids were younger. We looked at her job as the most important of the two. It was an investment in the kid's future. Now that she has returned to part time work, her energy is lower, but she loves to cook. She is an incredible cook, preparing gourmet meals based on taste alone. She says that I'm a high energy machine, so when I do floors, they get done!! Even molding and trim. Carry brushes in my pockets and I go after it. Since we have tapered edged wood floors, which I installed, you sometimes have to clean the little cracks with brushes. So I do floors, bathrooms and dusting in just a fraction of the time she can. I love washing dishes, so she leaves these for me. I never even use the dishwasher when she's out of town. She will not let me near the laundry because I'm an engineer ... and color blind. Doggone thing says it holds 6.3 cu ft, so I bet the 3 sigma curve was based on generous standards, and I put in 7.2 cu ft, even if I need a broom handle to get it in (just kidding!). Our partnership works for us.


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## okeydokie

my wife is SAHM. have no clue what she does all day when the 3 kids are in school, dont care really, and i dont pressure her although i could.


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## FirstYearDown

chillymorn said:


> glad I could give you a laugh.
> 
> do you pick on bald fat guys and laugh in their face!
> 
> so I'm not the best speller you new what I ment.


No, I do not pick on those who are kind to me.
You have made some insulting statements about women, so I poked fun at your horrible spelling. Don't dish it if you can't take it.


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## chillymorn

FirstYearDown said:


> No, I do not pick on those who are kind to me.
> You have made some insulting statements about women, so I poked fun at your horrible spelling. Don't dish it if you can't take it.


which insulting statments are you refering to?


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## chillymorn

FirstYearDown said:


> No, I do not pick on those who are kind to me.
> You have made some insulting statements about women, so I poked fun at your horrible spelling. Don't dish it if you can't take it.


your just making a personal attack. I don't I ever personally attacked anyone on this board and If anyone thinks I have its prob because I am not as good at writing my feelings as well as others.

I can take anything you dish out.
that don't mean I will let someone attack me for no reason.or because you can get over my poor spelling and grammer.

because you don't like my veiw point you attacked me presonally.

shows a character flaw at the very least.


have a great day.


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## turnera

chillymorn said:


> your missing the point.
> 
> women with hold sex and act *****y when they don't get their way


 So do men.


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## turnera

that_girl said:


> Our 99cent store has AMAZING produce.


I know, right? I always get my produce there first, and then go to the grocery store for what they don't have, cos theirs is just so darn inexpensive!


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## Trenton

SimplyAmorous said:


> See, now there is something I bet YOU have a hard time with, Because I know your husband works REALLY hard, too hard for what you all have, but by no means would you consider yourselves "rich" in the sense society would (but consider yourselves blessed) , but you always take the time & the effort to give something to charity- to help others, even volunteering for such causes. I bet it bugs you when the rest of us may be a little lax--in this area, cause you figure..."*I can do this.....why can't you?". *
> 
> I think all of us "speak out of that" to some degree. (I know I do when I hear smaller families who make $100,000 more than us complaining they can't afford to live).
> 
> You have me well beat Trenton, I am not a big giver to charities. I do give to my Church to some degree (never this 10% thing or I would likely starve my children), to help a friend in need.... beyond that I pretty near SUCK. I could probably do a little more.
> 
> All of us can "SAVE" in so many ways in our marraiges -just look at some of your examples. ....except HEALTH CARE & Lawyers.... if you have LOUSY health insurance (I feel bad for the self employeed what they are required to pay is unbelievable) or if you have pre-existing health issues and can't get insurance - and God forbid you get sick, one trip to the Hospital, that might cost the price of your house!! And the cost of some of these perscriptions!!! Or you find yourself facing a court battle & paying these atrocious Lawyer's fees. I can't even imagine!! Having Good Health insurance, I have always felt, is like making thousands more, cause it saves you from catastrophic financial ruin.
> 
> For anybody in those situations, my heart goes out to them.


Not really, SA, I understand everyone is not like me and they will have their own passions & goals. It's just that I see such a huge need and can't personally look away. There is so much to get done and if we all stepped up it would get done. The world would be a better place.

Don't think I undervalue your work as a Mom though or men's roles as fathers either. Raising wonderful, adjusted and compassionate kids is really an accomplishment in and of itself and it does make the world a better place.


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## FirstYearDown

chillymorn said:


> your just making a personal attack. I don't I ever personally attacked anyone on this board and If anyone thinks I have its prob because I am not as good at writing my feelings as well as others. You said that women withhold sex when they don't get their way. That is a nasty jab at women in general.
> 
> I can take anything you dish out.
> that don't mean I will let someone attack me for no reason.or because you can get over my poor spelling and grammer. I do not attack others for no reason. See above.
> 
> because you don't like my veiw point you attacked me presonally. What on earth does that mean??:rofl:
> 
> shows a character flaw at the very least.
> Yeah, like painting all women as vindictive does not show any flaws.
> 
> 
> have a great day.


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## chillymorn

a personal attack is when you attack someone personaly


ie. their race,hair or spelling just to name a few.


I made a general comment about a group of people and YOU attacked me personaly.


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## FirstYearDown

Since I am a member of that group, your comment was attacking and offensive. Make sense? Der!

I am so done with this argument. Next time, do not make nasty generalizations unless you can handle the reaction.


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## SimplyAmorous

Oh goodness..... between Chillymorn & 1st year..... He KNOWS not all women are like that, cause he reads all this stuff written by some of us Nymphos on here. He is just speaking out of his own experience---as so many of us do. I do it too sometimes, I have to re-adjust my thinking, I appear to have more of a slant towards men in general and sympathize less with women many times, probably because I am more difficult than my own husband. I know this is why I do this ...and more women (family members & friends) have hurt me in my life over men . But I have to remind myself ......this is NOT everyone else's experience by a long shot. 

Trying to calm the waters here....... just lightly correct when one gets a little carried away "in a moment" -- we ALL do this from time to time, the keyboard gets the best of us. Maybe his wife just gave some attitude moments before that original post that started all of this & he was in a fowl mood when it was written, It happens. Then another feels attacked- we defend & attack, he defends & attacks = snowballing. 

One thing I know is this...Chillymorn & FirstYearDown agree a hell of alot on this same issue - regardless of this little scuffle you got into here. 



Halien said:


> I love washing dishes, so she leaves these for me. I never even use the dishwasher when she's out of town.


 A guy who LOVES doing the dishes, you don't hear this much, or women for that matter. We never had a dishwasher, I never wanted one & we have 8 people. On some weekends, add another couple teens. I don't mind doing them though. I do, however, hate how they leave dishes all over the house though, then I have to crack the whip to get them brought where they belong.


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## SimplyAmorous

Trenton said:


> Not really, SA, I understand everyone is not like me and they will have their own passions & goals. It's just that I see such a huge need and can't personally look away.


 I'll admit I WANT to look away when I see those commercials on tv where animals are abused -with that TEAR JERKING "in the arms of an angel" playing or starving children in Africa, kids eating off of a garbage dump, or kids in the Cancer wing at St Judes Hospital. I can hardly stand looking at that. I want to shut it off, turn the channel. You simply can't help every cause. I guess we all have a heart for something- or should outside of ourselves & our little families. 

I could never work in a school cafeteria seeing all of that food so easily thrown away, it would bother the crap out of me. Not that we can MAKE these kids eat. I just despise waste. That is not allowed at my house. If they don't finish something, they will get it the next day. That is like a grave sin , I want my kids to know others around the world do NOT have this luxery. We have no idea how blessed & abundant things are here-in comparison. 



> Don't think I undervalue your work as a Mom though or men's roles as fathers either. Raising wonderful, adjusted and compassionate kids is really an accomplishment in and of itself and it does make the world a better place.


 I never thought that of any of your words. I also feel strongly about that RAISING as you stated here, I heard this saying once somewhere, loved it so much, I designed my own large picture frame with 7 dangling hearts underneath writing this saying out- with me giving my kids a horsey back ride, all big smiles on our faces... 



> “
> One hundred years from now
> It will not matter
> What kind of house I lived in,
> How much money I had
> nor what my clothes looked like
> But the world may be ...
> a little better because...
> I was important in the life of a child".


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## Trenton

Love that quote!


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## Ten_year_hubby

Trenton said:


> Love that quote!


Same here. That really sums it up.

I do all the shopping, almost all the dishes, more than half the cooking and most of the heavy cleaning. And I work a full time job.

It doesn't matter what the reason, my wife just isn't going to do it. So I do it and I love doing it because I'm able and it's right. I can't think of a better person to have around for the kids than their mom so she's in, no question. And she looks good laying naked across my bed. We fight and holler all the time about a million different things but not about housework.


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