# Hurt,confused, what to do?



## skmix (Jun 13, 2011)

First off, hello all! First time poster. So glad I ran across this website looking for marriage advice.

Id also like to apologize if this is at all hard to follow. My mind is everywhere.

Some background on my relationship. We have been together 4years, married a little over a year now.

Two weeks before our 1year wedding anniversary my husband told me he thought we needed time apart and asked me to move out. I was completly caught off guard. I was so floored I did as he asked the very next day wile he was working. I quit my job put at much stuff of mine into the car as possible and left. Since we are a military couple I had no where to go but home 3hours north. He called me after work crying saying how sorry he was and that he never wanted it to come to this. Said all he needs is some time to get himself together and figure out who he is, and that we would work this all out when he figured himself out. He also enrolled into anger managment (as it was one of my conditions).

I was hurt and just wnated to work things out as fast as possible. I begged and pleaded, called him texted him. Made myself look completly rediulous, this of course made nothing better. He was mad and said he couldnt even miss me because i cant leave him alone for any amont of time. It pushed him further and further away and still I continued. Maybe 2 weeks after I left he made some new friends. Thats when he decided he was no longer sure he wanted to work things out. He got that taste of freedom, doing what he wanted whenever he wanted to do it. He started going out all the time, spending all the money we had in savings, all his paychecks, and the entire tax return! He had to eventually ask me for the money I had left in my account to pay the rent and other bills. 

He started distancing himself even more from me. He quit anger managment after 1 month. I found out the end of february I was pregnant with our 1st child. When i told him the news he flipped out. He refused to take any responsibility. He said he wasnt ready to be a father and didnt want the baby. he has sence come around to the idea and is very excited about it.

Fastforward...its now been 4months sence we seperated. He has no interest in working things out. Says he was not happy with me, and is no longer in love with me. He has said that after the birth of our son he would like to get a divorce. He has been unbelieveably hurtful. Says things that I cant believe come out of his mouth. Yet he calls all the time, gives me money 2times a month. He texts quite often as well. I have no seen him sence I went down and picked up the rest of my stuff(almost 3months), he has sence moved out of our house and into a 1bedroom apartment. 

Im so hurt and confused. I want nothing more then to work things out. He says he as no intentions of working anything out with me. He says that we have given it to many chances. He also says im his best friend and he want me to continue to be so. how can I be best friends with someone I want to be more with? Im confused because he calls all the time, somtimes is super nice. Does nice things for me and then it puts these thoughts that he wants to work things out in my mind. 

Ive been drowning myself in self help books, on how to save your marriage. Website after website of advice. Yesterday had been 1week since i had heared anything from him. I realized that the past week has been so relaxing im not stressing or anxious. I told him last night when he contacted me that I need some space and time to work on me. I said id update him on the baby every so often but please dont call or text me. 

I feel like he has not had to deal with any of the feelings of being alone and the pain. He is always out with his new friends, getting smashed, spending money, going out to dinner and movies. So Ive made myself unavailable, I want to show him in not always available when he wants to talk. My question is, it there any hope? Can I fix my marriage? Am I going about this in the right ways?


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## not surprised (Jun 14, 2011)

I'm so sorry! I think you are doing what is right by distancing yourself. Hopefully he will come around but who knows. Its like they will give us a little hope then pull the rug out from under us once again. Now you have a baby on the way and you probably always invisioned things being so different - like you and him together and happy and looking forward to having the baby. Its like he has taken this dream away from you too. I wish I could give you some wonderful words of wisdom on this that would just fix everything but I can't. My husband don't want me no more either and I wish I knew how to fix it too. I'm very sad too so your not alone.


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## nutmeg4189 (Jun 15, 2011)

I think you should definitely distance yourself from him and make sure that you are not always sitting around waiting for him.

My husband and I have been separated for three days, and likely will be for several months if not divorced, and I'm staying at my parents with my 19 month old daughter. My mom mentioned to me how much I've been texting with my husband and I realized that she is right, even though we are texting about things like our daughter, money, etc ... I'm making myself always available to him, so I stopped. If he wants to have a grown up conversation he can call or come see us. 

You need to make your husband realize that you have a life too. I know that you want to make things work (as do I), but if he really doesn't care about your marriage there is no point in you engaging with him and if he doesn't really want to end the marriage/relationship perhaps not speaking to you as much and feeling like you are moving on and making a life for yourself that doesn't include him, will make him realize this and he will be motivated to actually make an effort. You should update him on the status of your pregnancy but I would keep the conversation exclusively about that.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

nutmeg4189 said:


> I think you should definitely distance yourself from him and make sure that you are not always sitting around waiting for him.
> 
> My husband and I have been separated for three days, and likely will be for several months if not divorced, and I'm staying at my parents with my 19 month old daughter. My mom mentioned to me how much I've been texting with my husband and I realized that she is right, even though we are texting about things like our daughter, money, etc ... I'm making myself always available to him, so I stopped. If he wants to have a grown up conversation he can call or come see us.
> 
> You need to make your husband realize that you have a life too. I know that you want to make things work (as do I), but if he really doesn't care about your marriage there is no point in you engaging with him and if he doesn't really want to end the marriage/relationship perhaps not speaking to you as much and feeling like you are moving on and making a life for yourself that doesn't include him, will make him realize this and he will be motivated to actually make an effort. You should update him on the status of your pregnancy but I would keep the conversation exclusively about that.


I agree with this 100%. Keep distancing yourself and continue to work on yourself. I know it's hard, but it will get easier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. To me, it sounds like he's already made his decision-he wants out. I had the hardest time with that one. I felt "how can you say that? You clearly don't mean that. You told me you loved me TWO DAYS AGO!"

Oh he meant it all right.

LIke others have said, you're doing the right thing. Go about your business. It's all you can do. We call that "the 180" around here in case you see that term. It's really your best bet in this case.

I am worried about all his spending, though. It's not fair to you or the baby. Is there any talking about that only, without any emotional/marriage type stuff?


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