# Should I just call it quits?



## Cocoama (Mar 23, 2015)

I have been with my husband for 14 years in May and married for 12 in June. We have two children, 9 and 6 years old. I am longer in love with husband.

Ever since we married I have constantly found online accounts on our computer were he has been chatting with women and sending pictures of himself. I stayed in the marriage because I didn't want my family to be embarrassed about paying for such an elaborate wedding to have it fail in less than two years. I have proof of him doing the same thing up the middle of last year. He has now changed all of his passwords. I no longer trust him at all.

Not to mention that he feels that since he has married me, he doesn't see the need to date me anymore. He already has me. (His words.) I told him that since he felt that way, that I should start seeing someone who wants to date me. He has said many other cruel things that you should never say to someone you claim to love.

Now that I am COMPLETELY turned off from him, he wants to be loving. I cringe every time he kisses me. I am more excited to pleasure myself than be with him. I don't even want a hug from him.

I want a complete home for kids but I don't think I can wait until my children are older. I am losing myself. 

PLEASE HELP ME!!!


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

Affairs are deal breakers. Leave now.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Leave. You've already stayed too long.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you ever confronted him about his online affairs?

What is holding you back from divorcing now? 

Do you have a job? 

Do you have people in your life who will be supportive of you?


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Sounds like my boss. Your husband sounds like the type that should not marry.

I would start an exit plan. Wish you luck and the sooner the divorce the sooner you will have your self-esteem and self-respect back.

Sorry to hear about your troubles but brighter days are ahead.


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## Cocoama (Mar 23, 2015)

EleGirl, I confront him every time I see something. He denies it and once I quote part of a conversation, he apologizes and says it was nothing and he won't do it again. He talks about how much he loves me and how I am his best friend. I don't fall for any of it.

I have a good job and I have a supportive family but they are all in another state. The only string that is holding me here is the fact that he is an excellent father. My children will be shattered. Especially my oldest. He is very attached to him.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Cocoama said:


> EleGirl, I confront him every time I see something. He denies it and once I quote part of a conversation, he apologizes and says it was nothing and he won't do it again. He talks about how much he loves me and how I am his best friend. I don't fall for any of it.
> 
> I have a good job and I have a supportive family but they are all in another state. The only string that is holding me here is the fact that he is an excellent father. My children will be shattered. Especially my oldest. He is very attached to him.


Tell him you are convinced he's seeing and interacting with other women. Tell him you want on the spot access to all his accounts, not 5 minutes later but right now.

Tell him the game is up and this is the end of the line.

You will have to be harsh or he will gaslight you big time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cocoama said:


> EleGirl, I confront him every time I see something. He denies it and once I quote part of a conversation, he apologizes and says it was nothing and he won't do it again. He talks about how much he loves me and how I am his best friend. I don't fall for any of it.
> 
> I have a good job and I have a supportive family but they are all in another state. The only string that is holding me here is the fact that he is an excellent father. My children will be shattered. Especially my oldest. He is very attached to him.


Could you put a key logger on his computer and find out exactly what he is doing now? That would give you a much better idea of what he's up to now.

You son will not lose his father is you divorce. The two of you will split custody.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

Cocoama said:


> The only string that is holding me here is the fact that he is an excellent father.


If he was such an excellent father he wouldn't have done what he did, knowing the effects it could have on your family.

Get outta there.


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## AriYarjan (Mar 21, 2015)

Your husband is a liar and a cheater. You should not allow him to continue to abuse you just because he feels he can get away with it. Your kids will eventually pick up on your misery and that is not good for them.

Dump him.


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## Cocoama (Mar 23, 2015)

Thank you everyone. I have decided to put an exit plan together and end this mess of a marriage by the end of the year. I know it is months away, but I need to be sure everything is in order.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> Cocoama said:
> 
> 
> > EleGirl, I confront him every time I see something. He denies it and once I quote part of a conversation, he apologizes and says it was nothing and he won't do it again. He talks about how much he loves me and how I am his best friend. I don't fall for any of it.
> ...


Imo a liar or cheat with no real remorse will find another way to lie or cheat. He will give u one account m start another. My ex did that. U keep checking n unearthed new things. Do u want that?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

batsociety said:


> Cocoama said:
> 
> 
> > The only string that is holding me here is the fact that he is an excellent father.
> ...


Agreed 

Coco 

dont be surprised if u find out this as I did realise aft my Divorce. 

I realised my ex was good father in so far as it's necessary to keep u in family n not leave. He's probably needing your financial input n he's probably not able to get a woman from the chat yet. But when he does, he may leave you. 

The moment D is out, he may show the true colours that he don't really have much feelings to kids or you. a good person would not jeopardise the family over silly affairs N chats with women. 

U may realise aft D he wasn't such a good father after all. Yes your kids may realise that too.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cocoama said:


> EleGirl, I confront him every time I see something. He denies it and once I quote part of a conversation, he apologizes ...


Don't confront him any longer. I'm sure you realize that when you do, you end up with the same old song and dance. Not only is your husband a cheater, but a manipulator and a liar.

As far as your kids go, they are intuitive. In time, they will realize who their father truly is. 



Cocoama said:


> I have a good job and I have a supportive family but they are all in another state.


Surely you have supportive friends where you currently live. Also you have a good job. My own piece of advice, for what it's worth, would be to get your money out of his money. No more joint accounts, joint credit cards - ASAP. 



Cocoama said:


> The only string that is holding me here is the fact that he is an excellent father. My children will be shattered. Especially my oldest. He is very attached to him.


I commend you for wanting to hold this together for your children, but like I said, they will pick up on who dad really is. Either that, or he is so good an actor, he has his children convinced he is a great guy. 

It's a difficult situation in which you find yourself. But I am kinda scratching my head and wondering how much he really loves his kids. Or could they possibly be what he considers allies when, and if, you make your move to leave? Just something that gave me pause ...


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

When I was a teenager, I heard my aunt say something that stuck with me throughout my life. I don't know what the conversation was between her and my mother, but I couldn't help overhearing her state, "I always made sure not to do anything my boys would have to be ashamed of later." Those were powerful words because they showed me the depth of responsibility we SHOULD have to our family, our children especially.

I see that kind of commitment to your family in not wanting to bring shame to them after your wedding. I also see it in your hesitance to divorce your husband. It isn't as though your kids would be ashamed of your divorce, but that you would prefer to fulfill the unspoken commitment to provide the intact family they deserve from you by bringing them into this world.

That is commendable of you, but your marriage is not just you alone, and your husband clearly does not subscribe to the same commitment to the marriage, his wife, and his children that you do. So, there's really no point in you suffering through it after he alone has broken the marriage and brought shame on you. I'm hoping to help you relieve yourself of the guilt.

A woman can grow so sick of the way a man treats her that she is repulsed by even the thought of him touching her. And that's where you are now, which means you are as done as done can get. You are the walk-away-wife at this point. It makes no sense to me how some, if not many, men think they walk all over their wife and treat her like crap and then be shocked when she's finally done putting up with him. That's what your husband is going to be when you announce the marriage is over. The first thing he will say is "I didn't know you were unhappy" and "I didn't know it was that bad" or something equally neglectful. You could have told him a million times, but he will be surprised because he actually thought the whole while that he didn't have to respect you. He has thought, as is obvious by his repeated actions, that he could do as he pleases. It actually never occurred to him that he has to act like a married man, that he has to have any kind of respect for his wife, or that he had to consider his children's well being. All of that is lost on him completely.

With all that said, I have another concern. I am a stepmother and I've been kind of studying step families for 5 or 6 years, and I have to tell you it's not something you want to have to do, nor is it something you want to put your children though. The vast majority of step families are really awful. While most of society feels that children of divorce get used to it and become well-adjust and the vast majority of step mothers are beyond miserable. You are unhappy right now and you want out, but you don't know unhappy and being disrespected by your husband until you become a step mother. I, personally, don't suffer like the majority. I don't have the usual and common problems that most step mothers have to endure. And, you will more than likely end up divorced again because the divorce rate in step families is 72%.

While I don't think you should HAVE to remain married to your husband, I also don't think you know what it really does to kids deep down because it's not just a matter of breaking that unspoken commitment. There's so much to it that I really can't explain and hope you will take my word for it.

So what I'm asking is that you consider something different before walking out the door.....

First work on your exit strategy and get all your duckets in a row. Be prepared to leave and not look back.

Secondly, think of keeping the family intact for the kids' sakes but in a rather non-traditional way. As much as you have agonized over divorcing, agonize now over staying with him so the kids have both their parents together, but you don't actually have to be with him. You will be technically together but actually separated and both free to see other people - both free to live your lives essentially as single. You don't care about what he does, and he doesn't concern himself with what you do. You are only remaining together for the kids. Once they reach 18 and graduate from high school, then you physically go your separate ways.

Spend a few months thinking if you can accept living this way and if you decide you would like to try it then when the times comes for you to execute your exit plan, tell your husband you are leaving and divorcing him because you don't want to be with him anymore, but that you'd rather the kids still have both parents in the same home to raise them.

He won't like the idea at first because nobody wants to be left and dispensed of. And everybody wants a second chance to fool their spouse into giving them a second a chance. So, he will cry and beg and profess how much he loves you, and all that jazz. If you are still steadfast in your decision, then express to him that the marriage is over. But you can possibly get him to warm up to this alternative idea by pointing how much he can benefit from it. Since he so enjoys being the playboy and womanizer, he can do whatever he wants with whomever he wants without retribution because he no longer has a wife in the true sense of the marriage. It may also be of some encouragement to show him how much this domestic arrangement will save him in having to pay you child support (and possibly alimony). Each state has a online calculator and the criteria that does into computing. He may possibly be convinced after a time.

If, like you, he decides to try it, there are some things he has to understand. One is that he is no longer your husband, so he can't act as if he is. He cannot question you or argue with you or think he has any say in your life. Secondly, he has to be as much a father, available to, and involved with his children as he has ever been. Thirdly, he is still responsible to the home and his share of the household finances and the kids' expenses.

Please don't pay attention to my typos because I'm sleepy and don't want to have to proof. But also please don't pay attention to the people who will follow my post to tell me how wonderful and well adjusted they are (or their kids) despite growing up as children of divorce. The truth is, we don't know these people or anything about how they are. What is more important, we don't know if they were monsters as children of divorce, which is one very big and major problem that plagues step families because parents become way too guilty about the divorce to properly parent their kids anymore. So even though you have children and may continue (if you already do) teaching and training them properly, you will re-partner, and him and his kids will drive you crazy. I'm not saying you're better off staying in the marriage with your husband. I know how you feel, as I have felt the same way before. I'm asking you to consider this alternative because it is in your children's best interest until they become young adults. Adult kids of divorce can take it hard and be disruptive also, but at least you will have fulfilled your unspoken commitment to them to provide a good home life during their developing years. There is no reason you have to remain in an unhappy marriage after they grow up and fly the coup just because they don't want you to get divorced. People are selfish that way, so do what you can without sacrificing your entire life to them.

And, well, everyone thinks great of themselves and that they are good people. It's just not true of everybody and not true of all who profess it. So, please don't let anyone convince you I am wrong because I'm not. I have nothing to gain by telling these truths, and I have no complaints about my step life because it isn't awful for me like most other stepmoms. It isn't terrible for all, but it is for most. If you don't believe me, read the book "Stepmonster" (no, not the movie). It's the one and only real depiction of step family life that anyone has ever told. The book also contains research and statistical data, along with observations, facts, case studies, and commentaries by professionals.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

CarlaRose said:


> When I was a teenager, I heard my aunt say something that stuck with me throughout my life. I don't know what the conversation was between her and my mother, but I couldn't help overhearing her state, "I always made sure not to do anything my boys would have to be ashamed of later." Those were powerful words because they showed me the depth of responsibility we SHOULD have to our family, our children especially.
> 
> I see that kind of commitment to your family in not wanting to bring shame to them after your wedding. I also see it in your hesitance to divorce your husband. It isn't as though your kids would be ashamed of your divorce, but that you would prefer to fulfill the unspoken commitment to provide the intact family they deserve from you by bringing them into this world.
> 
> ...



Thats quite a post CR.

I dont think his male ego (i.e. possessiveness) will make it possible but I like the element of detachment in it, I might suggest it just to make a point that I am so done with him and ready for someone else.
(If I were his wife that is)

It will cut deep but no deeper then the rejection she has felt from his philandering all these years.

The information about being a step mom is insightful, I would not even know where someone could look to find it out. I am sure there must be some good books out there. Thank you for sharing it.

It's such a hard place to be for Cocoama.

Cocoama at least you are thinking it through and not rushing into something.

I hope for the best for your family.


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## Cocoama (Mar 23, 2015)

CarlaRose said:


> When I was a teenager, I heard my aunt say something that stuck with me throughout my life. I don't know what the conversation was between her and my mother, but I couldn't help overhearing her state, "I always made sure not to do anything my boys would have to be ashamed of later." Those were powerful words because they showed me the depth of responsibility we SHOULD have to our family, our children especially.
> 
> I see that kind of commitment to your family in not wanting to bring shame to them after your wedding. I also see it in your hesitance to divorce your husband. It isn't as though your kids would be ashamed of your divorce, but that you would prefer to fulfill the unspoken commitment to provide the intact family they deserve from you by bringing them into this world.
> 
> ...


Although I appreciate the idea of keeping my family together by us still living together, I can't stand the sound of him speaking to me. Everything is a long drawn out conversation. Our a "lecture" is more like it. He is the one constantly talking or talking at me. It takes all that I have to keep my temper on the wraps. I DONT LIKE HIM ENOUGH for further cohabitation. 

My father was unfaithful to my mother and she stayed in the marriage for her children. She told me that she sometimes still regrets it although my father gives her the world and still takes her out after over 40 years of marriage. He has turn over a new leaf decades ago. She told me not to live the rest of my life with "shoulda, coulda, woulda's". But that could hit on both ends. I just pray that me children will be able to push through whatever decision I make for us all.

I don't want my two boys growing up thinking that it is alright to say whatever they are thinking to the person they are in a committed relationship with. I want them to know there are serious consequences when you don't show respect to the one you love. My children don't know about the online issues, but they hear the smart and sometimes mean comments my husband makes towards me. He makes it sound like a funny joke. They also hear a lot of fussing between the two of us. I want to be able to try and correct that while they are young.

I believe in positive commitment. I would love to possibly remarry but I don't see it while my children are so young. The grandfather I knew growing up was actually my step grandfather and he raised my mother and her younger siblings as his own. He was committed to his new family. My husband on the other hand, his step father treating him like crap and did everything for his biological kids. I don't want to take that chance with my boys.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If I were you, I'd be telling him that you are leaving him. By the end of the year. And that only Herculean efforts by him would keep you and his kids home with him. That leaves it all on him.


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## Cocoama (Mar 23, 2015)

I have left once before. Due to his online crap. I had already warned him that if I saw it again, I was leaving with the kids. I relocated with the kids to where we are now. I made it as though I was relocating for better career opportunities. Which was true. He stayed behind with the intention to relocate once he found a job opportunity for himself where we were. He moved us. Eventually, he would get upset because I was with my sister and not answer his every phone call.

I told him that I was glad we were apart and why. I told him that we should consider legal separation. He became depressed. To save money, my parents allowed him to stay with them. They would tell me how sad he was. They never knew he was always online telling women that he wasn't married but had a great relationship with the mother of his children.

My oldest began to decline in school and he said that he missed his dad. My parents talked my husband into moving where we were immediately. I was so angry with my family for not talking to me first.

He made promises that he didn't keep. And I am still stuck in a mess. He now sees major change in my attitude. I used to just fuss by know I don't care and he sees it. BIG TIME!! Now all of a sudden he wants send me "sweet" text messages and try to hug and kiss me. It's way to late for that now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Stop putting his needs first. And keeping your kids around him will only teach THEM to do what HE does. Let him prove himself to you from a different house.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cocoama said:


> I told him that I was glad we were apart and why. I told him that we should consider legal separation. He became depressed. To save money, my parents allowed him to stay with them. They would tell me how sad he was. They never knew he was always online telling women that he wasn't married but had a great relationship with the mother of his children.


This is all about boundaries. Tell your parents to butt the heck out of your marriage. Okay, so he's sad. But if he's willing to tell them how "sad" he is, you go back to them with hard core evidence that he is online pulling crap. I'm serious. Don't cover for him. 

YOU make boundaries. YOU enforce consequences. Expose him for who he is to your parents, his parents, and the women he's messing with online.

Again, tell your parents to BUTT OUT. NOW. They had no business getting involved in this mess. So now the mess is in your lap.

Get it out of your lap. Sit down and talk to your kids. Let them know that you and your husband can no longer sustain a marriage. But assure them he loves them and will be there for them as often as possible.

Firm Boundaries + Consequences For His Behavior = Your Future Happiness.


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