# Can't seem to make up my mind...?



## jeffreygropp

I could type for years and go through every situation and reason why I am at this point, but I don't see the sense in that so I am going to point out the main things:

I want to split with my wife of 3 years but I can't abandon her.

When we first met, my wife was motivated, excitable, energetic and one of those people you just can't get enough of. I knew after one date that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. There is something special about her and anyone who meets her knows it.

I proposed early on and we got married after 8 months. 

Problems with her started early on which at the time everyone attributed to us being a new couple and being young (married at 21). 

Some of the problems included:
- Rapid weight gain
- Extreme depression and anger
- Inability to hold a job
- Barely passing classes in university
- Extreme attachment to me

A lot of it I brushed off because when we met she was the opposite so I assumed it was a phase or it was just due to the change of relationship status. I really couldn't figure it out so I "ignored it" for lack of a better term.

As time went on things got worse. She kept quitting jobs, citing her coworkers as a major problem, as she just couldn't get along with anyone (but they were the problem of course). She soon started alienating her friends and stopped going out with them. Her OCD started to develop into a crippling disease, as she is a severe germaphobe and can hardly go outside due to fear of germs or diseases (especially herpes, she fixates on herpes)

Over the next 2-2.5 years she slipped into a massive depression that consumed her. She nearly quit university and bailed on her degree, she was rude and mean to me, and her entire personality changed from everything I loved in a person to everything I hated. I started to resent her and spent more and more time doing things on my own, or with her 20 year old sister (her family and I really get along well).

The details of this period are hazy, all I know is that by nature I am a very happy and peaceful guy and all I want to do is enjoy my life. She made it certain that I would be unable to do that. 

In December of 2009 my best friend and his fiance suggested we go on a cruise to Mexico for Christmas. I agreed very happily. My wife was excited and I wanted to use this as an opportunity to bond because it was 9 days at sea in an amazing tropical place.

It didn't take long for her to start complaining about everything. The food was bad, the boat was dirty, the room was small, I was spending too much time relaxing in the sun and not enough time in the room with her (she sometimes can't leave a room due to OCD)

The icing on the cake was we all went to a "Swimming with Dolphins" tour on CHRISTMAS DAY. What is cooler and more exciting than that? We all had a blast, except for my wife who complained about it non stop (to be honest I don't remember what she complained about, I tuned her out). When we got back to the harbor to board to cruise ship we argued for a good 2 hours about how miserable she was and a killjoy, and ruined everything nice I tried to do for her. I can't comprehend how someone could ruin Christmas day like that.

When we got back to the boat my best friend and I who are also business partners wanted to sit down and discuss 2010, so I told my wife I would be doing this. She went ballistic and refused to let me leave the room (no idea why), blockading the door. It was the weirdest behavior I have ever seen in a human. When I finally left and went upstairs to talk to my friend, we spent hours discussing life, our future business plans and the trip (yum I love tacos!)

I went down to the room after about 3 hours, and found my wife staring at me in the dark. She went off claiming that I don't do anything for her, don't care about her and am ruining her vacation. At that point I got into bed, ignored everything she said and fell asleep. The rest of the trip was unbearable and we hardly spoke. I have omitted at least 10 other instances where something innocent made her fuming mad, but I can't type everything out it would take hours.

In January 2010 I told my wife I wanted a divorce. Her negativity, inability to work and pulling me down was finally too much for me to bear. I just couldn't take it anymore. After a week of a trial separation she came back and said she knew exactly what was wrong and knew she was completely 100% at fault for the problems in our marriage and was committed to making it work. I accepted this with an open mind and heart.

Things were going well this year for the most part. We rarely argued, she has gotten a handle on her negativity, and her OCD is something we can now deal with. That was until this weekend.

We have been talking about buying a house for years now, so we went and on a whim looked at some new condos in the area. We decided to purchase a "dream home" by our standards. We signed the initial documents and went back to our apartment. She kept repeating "Are you sure we can do this" and I kept saying "Yes we can afford it everything will be great you will see"

I didn't do the math correctly and the reality hit after a conversation with my father.... we couldn't afford it. When I told my wife this she went on an old-time tirade and lost it, saying I always disappoint her and she can never count on me to do anything right. It was my fault for leading myself and her on about the house, but I felt her reaction was over the top. She used that as an opportunity to go off on more things:

1. I never do anything with her (her example was I didn't drive her to target last week to buy her body wash)
2. I only want to do what I want to do and ignore her requests (she never suggests anything, and my requests are to go for walks and go to the gym since I live a healthy lifestyle and wish she would do the same to live longer)

...among a host of other insignificant issues. 

After a day of arguing and her raging (I know it is rage as I found the definition on a psychology website) I backed down and said "that was the final straw, I want a divorce." This caused her to back up and really analyze the situation and realize she went too far yet again. She said she was upset with the outcome of the house but I didn't deserve 24 hours of verbal abuse over it and vowed to never do that again.

I no longer trust her and I want to be alone. 

The problem is I still love her. She was supposed to be my soul mate, and my better half and I invested SO much into her. The reality is I have been raising her for 4 years. Her mother abused her physically and mentally for years and still does mentally and I have been working on repairing that and helping with her abandoned father issues. I am just done with being her psychologist. I want an activity and life partner. I want to hike all day and then base-jump from a glacier. I am so full of life I just want to live.

All of this being said I just can't do it anymore. The problem is that she has nowhere to go. She has only earned around $15,000 in 4 years because she has rarely worked. She has a degree but in a field that has no jobs. And I can't afford to pay for her to have an apartment. So she has nowhere to go, nothing to do... not only that but she has a massive Jewish-Italian family that I love to death (I have no family) and I know they will all side with her and that breaks my heart because I am going to have to endure months of BS from her family (angry phone calls, etc). But really the biggest problem is I am going to worry about how she is going to survive and get along in life - I've always done everything and I mean EVERYTHING in the relationship and I worry about her well-being.

So I know I want to have her sign Summary Dissolution forms but I fear the unknown on the other side and I hate to know I will be hurting her.


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## nice777guy

If you think this is a mental illness, do you think she's being properly treated? What can you do to encourage her to get help?

It sounds really lousy, but she's not cheating, and she's not being outright abusive.

Was she like this before you got married?


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## Verity39

Sorry to hear of this distressing situation jeffrygropp. 

I think we all worry about hurting others and fear the unknown. The alternative is more of the same of what is currently going on. People rarely change. 

Do you think you'd maintain a friendly interest in her well- being even if you moved on? You seem like a caring person.


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## jeffreygropp

Thanks for the replies. She has gone to therapy for years, and claims everything is fine. She doesn't think she has a major problem with OCD and thinks it is fine. It's a denial phase that has lasted way too long. Her family sides with me 95% of the time when I say things to them about her also, especially about her psych issues, she just won't listen.

And no, she was not like this before we got married. I honestly feel like sometimes she takes advantage of how supportive I am and how much freedom she has.

I make 100K+ a year so she has not a worry in the world. We belong to an elite sports club, eat well, I cook amazing food (though I am vegan and eat 80% raw these days), go to sporting events... I mean life is GREAT but she never appreciates it or realizes it. I think anyone else would love to be in her position... I just wish she would see that.


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## nice777guy

btw...sounds like you've already made up your mind, but you're just looking for justification; if that's what you really want, you don't need any of us to tell you its OK.


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## jeffreygropp

nice777guy said:


> btw...sounds like you've already made up your mind, but you're just looking for justification; if that's what you really want, you don't need any of us to tell you its OK.


I don't want anyone to say it's okay... I just don't handle emotional distress too well and I am trying to justify everything before I make the move.


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## jeffreygropp

Yesterday we had "the talk". I am a very common sense guy and I don't like to hurt people so I wrote a letter that explained why I felt how I did and where I was at mentally and why I think our marriage is failing. She was very hurt, and ended up in our room crying for over 2 hours. This is a very common side effect of any kind of talk with her. What happened next was unexpected: She came back with her own letter.

Normally she freaks out and has a hissy fit and threatens to pack her bags and leave. I think she knows I am well beyond playing those games. So she wrote her own letter, and it was very down to Earth, and came back to talk on most of the points I made earlier in my own letter.

She explained she was sorry she is so off center, how she has always just wanted to be with me and that she knows she can do much better in the relationship but thought I was content with her mediocrity. She struggles with "doing things" which I pointed out was part of depression.

Our communication is very poor and always has been because she has never been proactive in anything in her life.

I explained I need her to be on board with me and not always working against me. I try to make her healthy for our lives to be better but she rejects it because she thinks I am controlling her. So then the root of the problem is never solved: she is obese and has 0 self confidence. I explained that needs to change because I love myself and she doesn't much care for herself. How can I who am so self confident and happy be with someone who loathes their inner self?

I felt her letter was very emotional but she thought it out and didn't lash out once. She said I deserve better, and said she wants to be given the opportunity to prove that she is the one who can provide that. Honestly after 4 years of struggling and making things work, hearing her say that felt really good and hit my soft spot.

The problem is that I really want to give her a second chance, but I don't know if I have the stomach or heart for it any longer. She REALLY thinks at the core I just over-reacted to her over-reaction this week and that we had a minor disagreement that didn't warrant all of this occuring. Maybe that is the case, but it is how I feel.

So as of right now things are "back to normal" I guess you could say. But it still makes me wonder if I am making the right choice here by letting her have yet another second chance. All I have ever wanted was to make her happy. Can I MAKE someone be happy? Am I just "attached" to her because she has been such a work in progress for so long that I want to see her come to fruition?

She seemed to be SO happy that I was willing to give her another shot. How can I possibly justify saying "Okay that all sounded good 12 hours ago but I changd my mind."? Life is hard.


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## turtle10

jeffreygropp said:


> I don't want anyone to say it's okay... I just don't handle emotional distress too well and I am trying to justify everything before I make the move.


i can relate. and trust me it isnt any easier when everyone and there mother ask whats wrong and its like u have to justify ur choice to others...i am no veteran with divorce...just seperated for 6 weeks so far but I have learned thus far:
1) my 'rock bottom' doesnt have to agree or be anyone elses
2) i dont have to explain myself to anyone
3) being alone and soul searching takes time.
4) ....and I still have pings of guilt for "giving up" but HAVE to believe life is too short to waste unhappy.

i know I have a long ways to go, i wish you luck.


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## iwannadotherightthing

First of all, thank you for putting into so many words what I myself have been experiencing. Only differences is we have almost 20 years together and 4 children ages 16,14,12,and 8. They are now realizing the patterns of depression that my wife demonstrates (which are very similar to the those your wife does) your Christmas trip, is basically EVERY social gathering we have experienced over the last 20 years. We married early, in our late teens. I am now 37 1/2 and the kids see how she is suffercatting me and my will to live a happy and joyful life. Before the kids, her actions only affected me, now they are starting to affect the kids. But she is still their mother. I want to be able for them to enjoy their mother versus constantly worrying about her. 
Like you, my main concern is her well being if I left. I could easily care for myself and the children, but I cannot afford to care for her as well (BTW, the problems with coworker issue, EXACTLY the same over here, I never thought that could even happen in life, much less TWICE to TWO different people).

Anyhow, I have so much to share, but am terrible at putting my thoughts in writing. 

How are things on your end? did you pull the trigger? I am so ready to start a new chapter in life without her, but cannot stop being concerned for her well being. I think this is some sort of relationship issue on our parts as males? I look forward to discussing these issues with someone as yourself who KNOWS exactly what I am going through!

Well, I am off to the gym!

Regards


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