# I want some answers from some REAL men, please.



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

Hello fellas!

I'm newly married and very concerned. This is not written in anger either, so please don't read it that way. My husband has never really been one to want to have sex very often. I am 27 and he just turned 40. Now, I don't see age as an issue. What I am thinking is either he's very insecure or he has intimacy issues. I'm not sure which.

I recently found out he was looking at personal ads on Craigslist in our area... This crushed me. He also looks at porn on a regular basis. Mind you, the porn wouldn't bother me if it weren't for the fact that he straight out lies when confronted about it, and if I were more sexually satisfied. When I asked him about Craigslist, he said he was just curious... But this is not his first offense. 

I know this man loves me, but why the lack of intimacy. I feel rejected on a regular basis, and I really just need some advice. I'm starting to wonder if marriage was a good idea or not. I don't know if he has cheated on me, and he works out of town, so he could definitely get away with it if he really wanted to. 

I'm not an unattractive woman. I'm by no means Miss America, but all his friends a co-workers say he's one lucky man. Any advice you have for me would be greatly appreciated. Please keep an open mind and open heart when responding. I'm not bitter and angry. More hurt and concerned.

Thanks men!


----------



## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

The looking at porn and surfing CL or backpage is not uncommon. Avoiding sex with wife is not a good sign. Since he is 40, he is likely set in his ways regarding porn and sex. Maybe he does not want sex as often as you.

You must realize things are unlikely to get better once they are settled, so shake things up now! Tell him what you want, what you expect.


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

So you are the HD partner. 

Did you ever think, he may actually be cheating?
I hate to say it, but he is exhibiting the signs of it.


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

I would think he would want to have sex because he is always looking at porn. And I'm not one of those girls who says it's totally forbidden, but I need and want it too... I'm not satisfied with playing with myself.

And I don't know if he's cheating or not, to be honest.... I know all the signs are kind of there, because my ex cheated on me, and I've seen some similar things... And it worries me.... But, honestly, who's going to come right out and say, "Hey, I'm cheating on you..."? Ya know. I do also know that he had a fling with an ex via Skype, and I found out by accident. Had I not found out, I would have never known.

He's also been married 3 times prior to me. And "claims" all his exes cheated on him... I'm just not sure who's to blame at this point. He does have some issues and some baggage, but who doesn't. I also don't think all men are cheaters and horrible people, I just want to put that out there. I just want this solved so I can have my husband, and have the love and affection I give him given back to me.

I also recently dropped my entire life to move away from everything to move in with his terminally ill father. Things have been rocky off and on prior to the move. If you have any questions, please feel free to post them here or PM me. Thank you.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, he is exhibiting signs of cheating. Guys don't cruise ads in craigslist for sex unless there's more than just curiosity, especially when they turn their wife down on a regular basis.

Read the story I have linked in my sig about my own experience. My husband progressed from 'just porn' to full blown cheating, almost entirely via the internet.

The big question is, do you want to be married to him, cheating aside? It doesn't sound like you do.

Wait - you are his FOURTH wife?!


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

I really do want to be married to him... I just don't understand why he's doing what he's doing... And I've tried to fix it on numerous occassions, but truth is, I can't do it by myself. I will read your story. Thank you. I just don't fully know what he does when I'm not around or while he's out of town. He has lost my trust and that's not good for any marriage. And when I told him I wanted to wait for awhile to try to a baby because I didn't feel 100% safe with him, all he had to say was he was just hurt... Why would someone want a child with you, if they don't really "want" you...? There's so much going on and I just don't know how to process it all....


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

REAL men? Hmm...

Personally, I think that three prior marriages by age 40 has to mean that he has relationship issues. How long were you together before getting married?


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

fallen_angel said:


> I'm newly married and very concerned. This is not written in anger either, so please don't read it that way. My husband has never really been one to want to have sx very often. I am 27 and he just turned 40. Now, I don't see age as an issue. What I am thinking is either he's very insecure or he has intimacy issues. I'm not sure which.


Not a lot of info to go by, but I'll take a shot. You said he's never wanted s*x often, so I guess that goes back to your dating days? If so, no suprise that he doesn't want it a lot now. Age is not an issue, unless he has low T levels, or other health issues. At 45, I still want to go at it like a teen.

I'm guessing intimacy issues, and he'd simply prefer p*rn and cruising clist (maybe not actully following through) vs. touching a real woman. I don't know...maybe therapy could help?

With 3 divorces already, maybe he assumes this one is doomed to fail as well, so he's protecting himself by keeping his distance?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If he isn't willing to do everything he can to earn your trust back, what are you doing about it?

YOU have to make some clear boundaries and make it crystal clear to him what will happen if your boundaries are crossed. Take the power back from him. Right now you're pining after him and trying to fix things and he's sitting back and just letting you do it, and maybe even cheating. Give him some consequences.


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

@VermisciousKnid - We were only together for almost 2 years when we got married. We pushed up the date simply because I have some health issues we wanted to take care of. I'm WELL aware this is really no reason to get married, but at the time it seemed right and we seemed okay.

@Thunderstruck - I do agree with what you're saying. I do think he is protecting himself, and he has agreed to go to counseling with me. So, that's good. Also, he had his testosterone checked and it came back okay...

I really want to fix things and work things out. But he doesn't seem to want to take ownership in many of the things he's doing wrong. He has called me out on a few of my problems, and I have started to fix them. But then he got mad one day and started yelling at me saying that I have all these problems and need to be on all these pills and go to counseling. When in fact the reason I go to counseling and have tried medication is because I'm trying to fix my problems because 1, they need to be fixed, and 2, it would help us. 

I have some issues myself with 3 miscarriages under my belt with my current husband, and being cheated on by my ex of 7 years. It was my first and only real serious relationship. He keeps pushing wanting to try again for a child, but I don't want to because I don't see why he wants to...

I also went to visit him at work today and when I bent over to get something out of my car, he comes behind me and says something foul to his co-workers and just starts acting like he's f***ing me... I don't want to blame that on a guy thing... But I don't like that he portrays that we are having sex all the time and that it's great... I feel like a "trophy" at times, and not as a wife... 

Sex has become a VERY sensitive subject with me. In my previous relationship, my ex was older and wanted sex ALL THE TIME!!! And I did not... And it led him to cheat on me because I eventually just shut down. And I DO take some blame in that. And now, the tables have turned and I know how my ex feels... and it's hard.... Really hard... I feel loved every once and awhile, but not all the time. I've heard from people that he speaks the world of me, but he doesn't seem that way at home.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Watching porn is not a sign of high sex drive at all. Preferring porn over sex is a hallmark trait of low self-confidence(deep insecurities) and personality disorders.

Visiting ads on Craigslist is not a sign of cheating. It's a sign of longing for options which again is a hallmark of low self-confidence (deep insecurities)

Your husband most likely had a dysfunctional relationship with his mother.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

synthetic said:


> Your husband most likely had a dysfunctional relationship with his mother.


C'mon, Sigmund, leave his mother out of this.


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

@Synthetic - He was adopted, so that is possible. She is passed, but he made it sound like she was pretty strict. I do agree with you though. I think it's deeper than "He's cheating". I just want to know why, and if it's fixable. He's really messed me up... I feel completely lost and extremely confused.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It's always deeper than 'he's cheating' but it is VERY rare that the BS knows why. The only way to find out why is for the WS to do some serious psychoanalyzing. Preferrably NOT on the internet either.


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

You wanted to marry him?
What did he have that attracted you? (and I am guessing what he has/doesn't have)
Was it his body? Was it that he earned a 6-figure salary? Was it because he was an alpha-male? Was he muscular? Did he provide you emotional support? Did he give you butterflies in your stomach? Did he know exactly how to handle you in bed? Did he listen and love talking with you? Did he impress you because he was sensitive, or could cook? Was it because he was well established financially, with a house and big 401(k)?

Because I have a feeling, he didn't do a lot of those...

Now as for the looking at the Craig'slist ads, maybe it is because he is looking for more porn. But I am willing to bet, he is wanting to cheat. 

Now, he also has been in 3 marriages? And all of his ex's cheated on him? So either:
He has horrible taste in women, and you are the first keeper, 
Or
He cheated on all of them, and he is lying to you. 

But...he is looking at porn, and is exhibiting several signs of a cheater...
So take your pick. 

If he isn't in an affair, you need to get him a lot of counseling. He will either cheat now, or later. 

And if you don't deal with it now, it will be dealt with later. And it will be worse, because it will be in a marriage counselor's office with you two discussing his infidelity.


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

@Juicer - I did want to marry him. But he really didn't possess any of the qualities you've listed.... And I know that's not a great answer.... I feel I have made a horrible mistake... But I appreciate your advice.

Why would he want to cheat...? That's what I don't get. He's got a fairly attractive woman, who's willing to at least try new things and he's really not going to get much better, especially on CL. I just don't understand this at all. And don't know what to do. I also know that getting advice from strangers on the internet may not be the best decision, but there could be people out there who have been through what I have and can offer some helpful advice. I mean all that in the nicest way possible too.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

What sort of porn is he looking at?

This might give you an idea of his problem.


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

All different kinds. Mostly just normal stuff... Nothing really obscene.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

When someone cheats it is hardly EVER about their spouse. It is ALL about them. Them and themselves and only them. No one else. They're looking to scratch some itch or play out some fantasy or gratify themselves - the reasons are endless. But they ALL boil down to the fact that CHEATERS ARE SELFISH. They cheat for selfish reasons and not because of anything their spouse did or didn't do.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I'd say not being able to keep three previous marriages and his intimacy issues are low self confidence problems with a partner. Porn usage, looking over CL personals and avoiding sex...red flags for he's only comfortable with masturbation for sexual relief, not a partner. Tell me, can he have a serious conversation about it or is it all deny, deny, deny?


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Not wanting to give you an eeeeew moment, but to your knowledge does he masturbate during or after the porn? Or show signs of physical arousal?


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

He won't admit to watching porn...he denies it unfortunately... I have no idea if he masturbates or not, to be honest. He's said before when I've asked him about it that he looks because it's funny... really....? No. Porn is not usually funny and not the stuff he is looking at. I'll even admit porn can be arousing.... 

He also says I read into things way to much and that I'm over thinking things... and I could see that at times, but he's the one making me feel this way.....

And it's not an ewwww moment. Almost everyone does it. And if they don't they should..... especially if they're not getting it enough....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

It's possible that he has the sexual attention span of a gnat. Some men just can't stop flipping channels.

I would make contact with an ex-wife and buy her coffee in return for a chat.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I would leave. Seriously, you're young, you don't have kids. He sounds messed up. You're his fourth wife? And he's only 40? 

I don't think you're going to get anywhere. He won't even admit there's a problem with how he's doing things. Maybe he would if you moved out, might shock him enough to address things.

But really, move on. Find someone less damaged.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

fallen_angel said:


> *He won't admit to watching porn...he denies it unfortunately... I have no idea if he masturbates or not, to be honest. He's said before when I've asked him about it that he looks because it's funny... really....? No. Porn is not usually funny and not the stuff he is looking at. I'll even admit porn can be arousing.... *
> 
> He also says I read into things way to much and that I'm over thinking things... and I could see that at times, but he's the one making me feel this way.....
> 
> ...



Normal men want sex on a regular basis. He is not low drive because he is looking at porn and seeking casual sex on Craiglist.
His problem is that he is unable or unwilling to connect with you on an intimate level.
Craiglist is the " no strings attached approach" to sex.
Porn is the same.
Yes he is masturbating to the porn, that is why he is hiding it.
Like another poster said earlier, it may have roots in his dysfunctional relationship with his adopted mother during his youth.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

fallen_angel said:


> He won't admit to watching porn...he denies it unfortunately... I have no idea if he masturbates or not, to be honest. He's said before when I've asked him about it that he looks because it's funny... really....? No. Porn is not usually funny and not the stuff he is looking at. I'll even admit porn can be arousing....
> 
> He also says I read into things way to much and that I'm over thinking things... and I could see that at times, but he's the one making me feel this way.....
> 
> ...


Yep, deny it all, red flag. IMO he has self esteem problems in the bed room. On top of that excessive porn usage has its negative affects too. Don't know how you could get him to address it. He is forty, pretty set in his ways. A good sex/marital counselor would help. If he won't go and I suspect he won't, take a read at Dr. Schnarch's site and book Passionate Marriage yourself. But remember you can't change him, only he can change him.


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

Thank you all so much. Please keep the advice coming. I've been dealing with this for months and some of you are shedding some light on some things I didn't see. I appreciate it. Even if it's not what I want to hear....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How long have you been married? How long did you date? Was,sex a problem with him before? Has he ever said a kind word about his ex-wives? Have you met any of his exes?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

We've been married since the end of may. We dated for almost 2 years before we got married. He never has anything nice to say about any of his exes. I ran into one of his ex wives at a Walmart, she was insanely rude. And the sex has always been a once a week or once every other week kind of thing.... granted I'm not sex starved, but I thought at the beginning of a relationship there was that newness and excitement..... I'm just confused all around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Porn is no big deal, but CL usually means that there is one thing being looked for that he's not getting at home. Or else why wouldn't he want to have sex with a younger woman? Maybe he has some weird fetishes that he is embarrassed to bring into the marriage. 

What kind of porn does he look at (if you know or can look up in his history on the computer)? If you guys are kind of vanilla in bed and he's jerking off to something like pegging, then I may be on to something. It may not be an affair on his part, just curiosity.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Three times married before you married him? A three times married woman wouldn’t have a chance with me no matter what her age.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I dated at man who was 41 when I was 28...we were engaged after 3 years, but sex was a problem with us. He just didn't want it as much AND he was into porn.

I didn't marry him, but he told me that I wanted sex too much and he was just used to his porn/masturbation. There was a reason why he had been single for 41 years when I met him. But that wasn't his only issue...intimacy between us didn't exist. We had fun, had good conversation, but no real connection. I thought I could help it/fix it, but that just isn't possible unless the person sees the problem--- which he didn't.

Have you talked to your husband?


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Being married three times before age forty it’s exceedingly clear the guy doesn’t value women, they are something to be used and abused and to him they’re so very obviously dispensable. So he wont value you and without value he wont respect you.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Let me start by asking how much more sex would you like per week than you are currently enjoying?


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

Another thing is, since we've moved up to his home town I've met some of his friends and we've talked. Lots of lies are surfacing.... The best analogy I have come up with is that our marriage is like a litter box. The more I scoop to just find out who he was growing up as a way to get to know him, I just keep getting s***. I love my husband, don't get me wrong.... But I have been lied to. And I'm not really happy about it.

That_Girl: I've tried talking to him on NUMEROUS occasion, and it's either going in one ear and out the other, he doesn't care, or he just doesn't get it. He's not a dumb person either... Now, I don't agree with some of his choices. 

What he's done in the past doesn't matter to me 100%. It's what he's done while he's been with me. I mean, he lied about having a brother, which his father told me is NOT true. It's one of those "little white" lies... But it's a lie regardless.... He also claimed all his exes cheated on him, yet his father said he doesn't believe that to be true... His father is a very sweet and incredibly genuine, honest man.

I want to have sex any where from 2x a week or more. I'd be satisfied with that. His excuses are he's tried, or we live with his dad, etc. I know sex isn't all a marriage can be based on, but it IS part of it... I'm looking into saving money and getting out at this point... I don't know that he will change. And that's in my best interest...


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

fallen_angel said:


> Another thing is, since we've moved up to his home town I've met some of his friends and we've talked. Lots of lies are surfacing.... The best analogy I have come up with is that our marriage is like a litter box. The more I scoop to just find out who he was growing up as a way to get to know him, I just keep getting s***. I love my husband, don't get me wrong.... But I have been lied to. And I'm not really happy about it.
> 
> That_Girl: I've tried talking to him on NUMEROUS occasion, and it's either going in one ear and out the other, he doesn't care, or he just doesn't get it. He's not a dumb person either... Now, I don't agree with some of his choices.
> 
> ...


Sorry you had to go into it this far, before you found out. But you don't need that type of toxic person in your life. Move on and be happy.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why would he lie about having a brother?

I DESPISE stupid lies. I mean, I don't like any lies, but STUPID lies really irk me


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

You're telling me..... a lot of little lies like that have been surfacing.... I don't even think I know who I married
.... I'm really sorry to bother you all with this.... but I'm at the end of my rope....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

It seems that things have really hit an all time low... I'm being blamed for EVERYTHING that is going wrong, and I don't know how to deal with it... I'm really trying my best to fix things, but apparently my constant whining, complaining and insecurities are bugging the f*** out of him... All I wanted was to fix my marriage. He says he just talks and talks and talks and I don't listen. I feel like we are both just talking and neither one of us is getting our point across... I just don't know what to do any more... Thanks for listening....


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

It's difficult to advise really, I know it sounds awful but you might have to suggest counselling or divorce to him. Otherwise unless you can find a mental or physical reason for his lack of interest then this will be the pattern for the rest of your life.

You ask for answers from REAL men. Do you mean 'as opposed to my husband'? If thats the way you think of him, deservedly or not then you and he need to do a lot of work.

Also what is a real man to you? Do you mean someone that has a 'normal' amount of sex with his partner.

To gain an understanding of your husband you would probably be better of asking someone who has LD for their insights.


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

he could be addicted to the drama and since their is no drama going on in your life except him then he feels he needs to create some ie craigslist or he feels he has just were he wants you and he can do anything he wants like have affairs etc


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

Sorry. The "real" man thing is that I wanted men to answer. You know...? I just wanted to try to save this..... but I'm losing hope. My husband is a real man. But he expressed last night that he is done talking about things because I'm just not listening... that's why I came here. I understand advice from complete strangers may not be the best thing..... but I've talked to my family and friends already and I wanted an outsiders perspective.... I love my husband.... but this is becoming painful any more.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

I agree with your drama comment.... I really do. Every time it seems like things are going smoothly, bam!!!!! Drama. I just want to be happy.... even if that means leaving... :-/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

fallen_angel said:


> Sorry. The "real" man thing is that I wanted men to answer. You know...? I just wanted to try to save this..... but I'm losing hope. *My husband is a real man.* But he expressed last night that he is done talking about things because I'm just not listening... that's why I came here. I understand advice from complete strangers may not be the best thing..... but I've talked to my family and friends already and I wanted an outsiders perspective.... I love my husband.... but this is becoming painful any more.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


FA, It seems like you either don't get out much or have not been exposed to many good men. Let me break it to you, your husband is not a REAL MAN. Real men don't treat women the way he's treating to you. If I was his father he'd get a good lesson on how to treat women. Three times married, meh. 

I consider myself very pro-marriage. Here is some advice, from a man who would never do the things you describe he has done. Get our of this marriage as fast as and as soon as you can! Learn that you don't need someone like that in your life. Learn how to take care of yourself and don't look back,


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

Thanks anchor..... unfortunately, that's what I'm currently working on. I just started a new job and am currently saving.... it us what it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

And his dad is wonderful..... however, my husband is adopted.... that in and of itself comes with it's issues.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

fallen_angel said:


> Thanks anchor..... unfortunately, that's what I'm currently working on. I just started a new job and am currently saving.... it us what it is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good news, FA. Put a little away each week. Don't let him get his hands on it. Hang in there and bide your time quietly. You have a plan and you can make it work. Remember, you don't need him or anyone else to make you happy. You only need you to make you happy. Come here or the Ladies Lounge any time you need to vent.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Talk to him! 

He probably feels a little insecure about being a "man". Do you have a better job than him? Do you make more money?

This insecurity will lead to depression, which will lead to even less sex. He may not even realize what is going on inside of himself. 

He also could have low T. I've read articles about the numbers. Quit a few doctors seem to think the number from the blood test should be lower than what it needs to be.

Also, he may feel very comfortable about his relationship with you. He probably feels you know he would never cheat.

Hey, these are just guesses on my part from experience. I know what I've been through. You don't want that for him if you love him. 

Although looking at porn, in my mind, is a form of cheating, he probably is not seriously going out there looking. On the other hand, keep your eyes wide open. 

Just work on it with him and a counselor, doctor, if needed before you give up. Communication is the key.


----------



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

He won't talk any more.... so communication is not an option.... he gets mad... and I'm not just making this stuff up.... I don't make more than him. And I probably never will. I feel like he just thinks he has me and in going to stick around and put up with it.... I can't do it any more. I'll try to talk to him again..... but honestly, I've already checked out....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Lots of dogs chase cars but that doesn't mean they can drive.


----------



## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

fallen_angel said:


> Hello fellas!
> 
> I'm newly married and very concerned. This is not written in anger either, so please don't read it that way. My husband has never really been one to want to have sex very often. I am 27 and he just turned 40. Now, I don't see age as an issue. What I am thinking is either he's very insecure or he has intimacy issues. I'm not sure which.
> 
> ...


I can't tell you if he's cheating on you or not. You're the one that can figure that out. Keep in mind while you are on this forum that there are a lot of people hurt by infidelity on here, so you might get a larger ratio of people claiming that he is without-a-doubt cheating on you. You should try not to let those comments get you all worked up and too frightened about your marriage. 

If he's lying about looking at porn, at least you know that he is somewhat ashamed of it. One thing you could do is literally print out proof that he is looking at porn. Don't ask him, let him lie, and then show it to him (will just put him into fight-or-flight mode). Just show it to him and ask him why, if he is feeling the urge to be sexual, he isn't coming to you about it. Once you can get him to admit that he is, just try to peaceably keep the communication going.

You also want to make sure that you are meeting his needs. Many people will just say that men only really need sex and compliments, but we are more complex creatures than that. I would really recommend you read "The 5 Love Languages". Many times in marriage, people mistakenly believe they know exactly what their spouse wants. That book will help you pinpoint what makes you and your husband both happy.

It is a Christian author, but not a "I'm going to punch you in the face with Jesus" type book. If you're not Christian don't let it put you off. A lot of Christian concepts are sound advice.


----------



## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

fallen_angel said:


> Hello fellas!
> 
> I'm newly married and very concerned. This is not written in anger either, so please don't read it that way. My husband has never really been one to want to have sex very often. I am 27 and he just turned 40. Now, I don't see age as an issue. What I am thinking is either he's very insecure or he has intimacy issues. I'm not sure which.
> 
> ...


By many's definitions, I'm not a "real man", so take whatever I say with a grain of salt. 

The "getting" you was more exciting than the "having". 

And the rest could have a gazillion reasons. He could feel rejected, perhaps because he just imagines it. It could be that he only cares for the chase, not the prize. 

It could be that he's really does have a very difficult time with intimacy. Maybe it's learned. Maybe it's in his personality. Maybe the craigslist is just entertainment. Maybe he's discovered that pursuing romance and intimacy to find it results in the same prize he finds boring, because it's not what he thought at all on his way there. 

I'm just guessing at a lot of this, but this I'm sure about, you both need to learn to communicate. No, not hear the words the other says, but to honestly communicate - so that he understands what you're trying to convey, and you understand what he's thinking. 

^^^^ If he's not willing to do that, and then address whatever is problematic between you, this isn't going to be anything better than a managed frustration and managed conflict.


----------

