# My situation



## wilco (Mar 5, 2012)

I should have searched this forum out and shared my story long ago. Maybe I wouldn't be in the mess I am in now. Let's cut to it shall we? (I'll include some details that might not make sense at first, but it will all come together)

I am a 35 year-old male who has been married for 4 years to my 39 year-old wife. We have a beautiful 2 year-old son, he is absolutely amazing ad the happiest kid I've ever seen (ya, I'm biased, so what?). 

For the past 2+ years, our marriage has been heading downhill. I have tried a couple of times to address my unhappiness, but it wasn't received well. 

Shortly after marriage, we started trying to have children. We suffered some minor setbacks with miscarriages, and in 2008 we lost a child at 21 weeks, she was stillborn. Not surprisingly, this was a difficult time for both of us. Getting back on the horse took some time...

While my wife was pregnant with our son (2009), we didn't have a lot of sex. She was high risk for a couple of reasons, so we didn't push it. I believe I was understanding and patient. Also, my wife started going to bed early, around 9pm, regularly, and this was completely understandable too. She was tired and pregnant, no issues there. Baby comes and we have a bit of a scare in the delivery room, but all is well. It should be noted that she had an episiotomy during childbirth.

Shortly healing and recovering from this, she finds a lump in hear breast. She is already high risk for breast cancer because her mother died from it, so she gets it thoroughly checked out and the lump is removed and found to be benign. So no problems, she gets closer attention from the doctors with regular check-ups, etc... 

There's the medical history, here's ours...we dated for 2 years before getting married. It was fun and the sex was good but not great. We would stay up late, go out together, stay in together, etc... We traveled a lot, so that kept things interesting. I proposed at the tail-end of a trip through SE Asia. We had talked about having kids and she wanted to be married for that to happen. I have never really felt that I *needed* to be married. I could be happy without signing the docs. Anyhow, we get married 3 months later (Oct 2007), and soon get to baby-making. (see above)

Cut to 2009 after our son is born, we are both tired, but neither of us have had sex in months. So we start back at it slowly. It happens very infrequently, and she continues (to this day) to go to bed between 9:00 and 9:30 every night. Well, the sex never recovered. I don't think she's ever been comfortable with anything except missionary position in the bed since. Oh, did I mention that I sleep in a bedroom across the hall because suddenly my snoring is intolerable? (also, the sound of chewing gum is intolerable to her.) So I try to be patient and hope things get better. I should also note that I am a giver. I will do anything for my woman, but she doesn't want any of it. She doesn't want me to go down on her, have sex, nothing at this point. I am the type who wants the woman to come first, hopefully multiple times, before I do. I love sex, always have. I told my wife this when she and I were dating. I have a high libido. So, we aren't having regular or passionate sex. I am trying to be supportive and patient. I will buy flowers out of the blue for no occasion, treat her nicely, compliment her, etc... I am already feeling low by this point and it's late 2010. She decides to go back to get her Executive MBA in August 2010 and I fully support her, hoping that this support will show her that I care and love her still. What a mistake. Nothing gets better, it only gets worse. This schooling takes her away traveling for her studies in 2-3 week sprints. During these times I am home getting surprises ready for her (installed a pantry in the kitchen, bought a new dishwasher, painted the spare bedroom, had the hardwood floors redone & stained), hoping this will help to wake her up. Anyhow, nothings changes, in fact I am told not to make any sexual advancements in Feb/Mar 2011. Not to bother. 
We go to couples therapy but it's not really doing it for us. A few more of her trips later and I'm not getting surprises ready for her return. More therapy, not seeing results. Now I'm at the point where all the things I wanted so many months ago, I don't want from her any more. Sex, intimacy, conversation, sleeping in the same bed (haven't slept together at home in over a year). November 2011 I tell her I can't do it anymore. I want a separation. FINALLY she wakes up and wants to try to make things work! But WTF!? I'm spent, defeated and tired of being treated like crap. I now hold a ton of resentment and negative emotion towards her, I don't even know how to get back to a friendly relationship. She begs me to reconsider and try more therapy with a different counselor. We do, this counselor is better, but I can't bring myself to want to try any longer. I went to this last counselor for my son. I love him dearly and don't want to be a disappointment to him. I am doing it wrong. I should be in this for me, but I'm not now. Last session with the counselor (last week) we said that we'd give some hard thought for a week on what we want to do. I'm supposed to have an answer tomorrow. I think I need to talk to my wife tonight. I can't see recovering from this. She cites the still birth, our son's birth and the cancer threat as the reasons she withdrew and pushed me away. ...but during this time where I was struggling, I had to break down in tears and plead for her to address my unhappiness. She never tried to fix it, and I was always supportive and present for her cancer tests. But even when I tried to comfort her, I was met with dismissal. (i.e. I would say "It's going to be fine, the tests were clear." to which she would always respond, "You don't know everything is going to be fine!")

I don't know, I go over and over this in my head, I think I know what to do, but I am scared. So?


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I understand what you are saying. I know how you feel as I am almost at the same point. I have tried and tried and tried to tell her how I feel. I have done and done and done and she has done nothing.

I am at the point where I am close to asking for a separation. I think I will wait until July, as my daughter is in her final year of high school. 

My wife may at that point wake up or not. I really have no idea. I am feeling like you though in that if she does wake up, it could very well be too late for me.

Wish I had some advice for you. Hoping the best for you.


----------



## wilco (Mar 5, 2012)

Thanks. It still breaks my heart to be at this point, and as much as I get angry with her, I don't think I hate her. I am just so beaten up from the verbal abuse and neglect.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

The only thing I can say in her defense is that when you are a mom you hear every little noise so it's impossible to sleep with someone who snores. My ex ended up sleeping on the couch or I'd sleep in my daughter's room to save my sanity. Between her waking me up and him snoring I couldn't get more than an hour of sleep in a row. That's how they torture people. 
Aside from that....what is this about verbal abuse? 
I know how you feel. I felt the same way about my ex. Once he wanted to reconcile and try harder I was just spent and exhausted. I took him back and we did counseling but he continued to lie to me, to do passive aggressive things and to start fights in front of our daughter. I just had to get out. It was then he chose to tell me about how he saw his dad trying to choke his mom and work on his issues but all the love I'd had was gone. 
If your wife really wants to make things work she is going to have to put a LOT into it. I don't blame you if you're just done. It's just so hard to believe when someone has treated you so poorly for so long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She sounds stressed to me. Grieving a stillborn (so sorry  ), breast lump, 2 year old.

Not saying that excuses sexlessness, but it's hard to be soft when there's stress and other things on your mind. I don't know. Maybe she's scared of getting pregnant again? My sister was TERRIFIED of getting pregannt and wouldn't sleep with my BIL until he got snipped (they have 2 kids). that was about 9 months.


----------



## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

If she wants to make an effort why not give her some more time? Have you guys been having sex since she "woke up?" I'd give it at least a year. You're still young, you have time.


----------



## wilco (Mar 5, 2012)

isla~mama said:


> If she wants to make an effort why not give her some more time? Have you guys been having sex since she "woke up?" I'd give it at least a year. You're still young, you have time.


She is 39. Getting to that not-so-young age, and I want her to have the opportunity to start anew if she wants to. We have been sexless for nearly a year, and in counseling for slightly less than that. I've had to melt into a puddle to even get her attention, and even then, she didn't want to talk about it, or didn't think it was as serious as it is. She sees now that she f'd up and is sorry, but I'm having trouble wanting to go back and give it another go. I am tired. The grass is greener. I'm sure part of it is my defenses kicking in. Why expose myself to that sort of hurt again? 
No, we haven't had sex for ages, I don't see her as attractive anymore. I am damaged.  I know I am not innocent in this, I have no delusions, but I tried to do what I thought was best for us, and all the actions/signs were that she didn't care. Now she says she loves & respsects me. I don't believe her. I am cynical to the whole matter now. I think she just doesn't want to separate and be alone. Argh!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wilco (Mar 5, 2012)

that_girl said:


> She sounds stressed to me. Grieving a stillborn (so sorry  ), breast lump, 2 year old.
> 
> Not saying that excuses sexlessness, but it's hard to be soft when there's stress and other things on your mind. I don't know. Maybe she's scared of getting pregnant again? My sister was TERRIFIED of getting pregannt and wouldn't sleep with my BIL until he got snipped (they have 2 kids). that was about 9 months.


I should mention that when we had sex following the birth of our son, I wore a condom every time. Pretty sure she's not afraid of getting pregnant again. We had planned to have 2 kids, and if that was the answer, it would have come out in counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wilco (Mar 5, 2012)

So, two weeks ago we'd put a deadline on us "trying". That deadline was last Tuesday. I've decided to leave, put some distance between us and see how we feel after a while. I'm trying to be strong, because I know that what we were doing wasn't working. I miss her.


----------



## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Read the "Married Man Sex Life Primer." You can find it here:

Married Man Sex Life

Don't just read the blog. You will not understand the concept if you do that.


----------



## wilco (Mar 5, 2012)

romantic_guy said:


> Read the "Married Man Sex Life Primer." You can find it here:
> 
> Married Man Sex Life
> 
> Don't just read the blog. You will not understand the concept if you do that.


I've already bought the book (and 2 others), now to make time to read it/them.

Thanks for the advice.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

sounds like you have (1) foot out the door already, and after a years of your needs being ignored or unmet it is understandable. However, before this time when your mind was set on "enough is enough with this marriage" did you voice your concerns before? You mention how much actions you made for her to show her you love her and were supportive, but did you ever have sit down with her?

by all means, she has been through a lot in recent years, probably has taken more of a toll than it has on you (appologies if my assumption are incorrect). Reading all these experiences you both have dealt with together seems reasonable to why sex has been absent. But that does not excuse your feeling and needs being neglected during this period either. 

The resentment you have built up is the focus. How strong is that resentment, is it a wall that can crumble if she were to respond to your needs? Forcus on the building of that wall. Was it built becuase you were openly talking about your needs and she was intentionally ignoring them? Or were you doing your deeds (paint bedroom, hardwood flooring, flower, etc) and expecting action in return. Maybe her actions weren't what you were wanting, more resentment built, and so on. 

It is one thing if If you openly expressed your needs, and she ignored them, but if your wife was in the dark about your needs, and you have been waiting for to respond to you the way you want, that is another.


----------



## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Wilco, that's a horrible place to be. Of course you love your child and want to stay for that reason. But that is not reason alone to stay. I know from personal experience it only prolongs something that should break up (if thats the only bond between you). The child suffers more in the end if mommy and daddy stay together and are unhappy. Having said that, no marriage or relationship is hopeless to save with two people determined to fix it. It is easier to blow up a relationship that went in the toilet than to build a ladder and climb out of the commode. Space is not a bad thing, even a separation. It sounds like you two have been "separated" for awhile but not apart until recently. There isn't a magic pill to fix resentment, anger or hurt. If there was, I would have taken it. There is no shortcut to bliss from devastation. Things never unravel overnight and you can't fix them quickly either. The right therapist can help peel back the layers and be a good neutral party to resolve the he said/she said arguments. I wouldn't give up on therapy. If you love her, care about her, you don't want to lose her and the thought of her with anyone else turns your stomach (in spite of your anger and other feelings), there's still hope. If she feels the same way, you've got a fighting chance. I know that's how I feel about my wife right now. It's a love/hate thing for me, and they say there's a fine line...If you or she didn't care and were completely indifferent, THAT'S a huge red flag that's going to be difficult to deal with. There is a part of me that wants to take revenge on her and make her feel the pain I've felt. It certainly won't make the relationship better and won't take away what I feel, so I'm trying very hard not to go against my better judgement or moral beliefs. The other half of me doesn't want to her to hurt like I do and just wants things to be better. 

By all means read everything you can get your hands on, keep trying, hoping, praying. I had friends of mine who divorced and were completely apart for more than a year, then ended up working through it and have been remarried for 7 years. The fact your here, frustrated and aren't communicating through lawyers only says its not hopeless. Lots of people will give you advice. Only you know your relationship and whats going on with you best. Good luck to you and hoping that you find happiness and its how you wanted it to be as well.


----------



## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

Wilco, sounds like a really tough situation.

I learned a long time in therapy that it takes two to tango, so I usually start from the place of trying to figure out my role in any unhappy situation. Usually, I "clean my side of the street" and miraculously (joking), my wife cleans up hers.

You sound like a nice guy and that may be your problem. I found R. Glover's "No More Mr. Nice Guy" to be a great read and very helpful. I spent a lot of time in my life trying to please other people and then getting angry and resentful when they didn't reciprocate in the way I expected. 

Once I saw the picture clearly and started stating my needs and boundaries, good stuff almost immediately came my way.

I can't profess to understand your situation from one post and afar, but I would urge you to look hard in the mirror and make sure you can give yourself a "clean bill of health" in this relationship before you leave.

1. It may be late, but your wife is willing to work on it and this is a big plus.

2. Between pregnancy and the cancer scare, it was a tough time for your wife to be giving a lot to anyone. Nevertheless, do you think you clearly stated your needs and the consequences of your wife failing to meet them? If yes, did she not believe you? Why?

3. Sounds like your wife has work to do as well. 

4. At this point, sounds like both sides have a bunch of personal work to do. Forget couples therapy, get yourselves in individual and to a place where you can see your respective roles in the dysfunctional relationship the two of you created. 

You will each heal personally and then can make a good decision about whether to stay married and fix the relationship.

Good luck.


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Wil,

You do indeed sound like a nice guy. You sound like someone who was always out there to please your wife.

Well, wives are not pleased with nice guys!

I think you are making a big mistake by leaving her. Buy the book "no more mr. nice guy" and get back to us.


----------

