# sexual troubles.... I'm lost please help!!!!!!!



## matristar96 (Sep 18, 2013)

So this is kind of a long thing so i hope i get the main stuff in here to help you all help me. My husband has over the years lied to me on several occassions and the way he does it he it super sneaky and then he says I didn't lie. Ummm yes you did. The big one was we were discussing the possibility of getting a new vehicle I was going to go back to school we were waiting on a few misc. things before deciding what to do not to mention we had just purchased a new vehicle the previous October and it was only May or June. I got my hand smashed at work and needed him to pick up our 1 year old so i could get an x-ray he said that he couldn't because he was working and couldn't get home in time to pick him up and i had to go to the work med place because it was a work injury and they closed. I had to take my 1 year old with me and lock him in the exam room so i could get the x-ray and pray that nothing happened to him while I got the extra. Anyhow come to find out my hubby was off test driving vehicles and came home with an almost 30,000$ truck without my knowledge and then said i didn't lie to you I just didn't tell you i was getting a truck. same thing right? So we have been to counseling because his sex drive is way higher than mine i swear he is obsessed sometimes it is ALL he thinks about he ignores me all the time unless he wants sex he plays on his phone or the internet every chance he gets and only after the kids are in bed does he pay any attention to me and it is just because he wants sex. I almost don't even like cuddling anymore because i know he doesn't want to cuddle with me he just wants to grope me and have sex. He says it is a way for him to get close to me and reconnect if that is the case why did i find the computer with ALL history deleted and a bottle of lube in our basement? Why do i always find the history deleted? Why is he masturbating every day if he says that he likes to have sex to reconnect? I understand men need to masturbate that's not the issue it's that he is constantly doing it and then the other night I woke up in the night to take care of our 6 month old and found him searching anal sex and anal sex toys online and then he says he wants an anal sex toy for stimulation that is fine and dandy but really does he need that to masturbate with and use during sex? And I really don't even care to have sex with him anymore i'm not interested because i know it isn't to be close to me it is just purely for his pleasure and his pleasure alone it's not to connect to me we've been together 10 years and frankly i'm so sad i've cried every night for the last week i dont know what to do. he works nights and i work days mon-fri. so we don't see each other all week i would like a little mental and emotional connection on the weekend is that too much to ask. I love him so much but sometimes i wish I didn't love him because it would make the hurtful lying not so bad. Also we can have sex and the very next day he is masturbating or asking me to help him masturbate but yet he says that sex twice a week is enough for him clearly it isn't. I know that some day he will cheat on me and I just don't know if i can handle that I hope that when it happens my two little boys can hold me together because it's going to break my heart. I hate that he is doing secretive stuff i don't care if you are fascinated by something look it up but don't do things behind my back that makes me so grumpy. Also we've always searched toys, games, and sexual movies together and now he is doing it on his own. We had discussed an anal toy after I found him searching and i said that we could look together this weekend and what does he do he gets online today during the day while watching our two boys and searches for them himself so he clearly doesn't want me to be involved oh and he would like to use it while we have intercourse maybe sometimes is fine but sex is between me and him and again if it is to connect to me than he doesn't need that I'm not comfortable using it everytime we have sex and if he wants to connect with me rather than just getting off then he is going about it all wrong. How about tell me i'm beautiful? make me dinner on the weekends I make it all week he could take the initiative, cuddle without turning it into groping my wife 101, take me to dinner without expecting sex, do things for me because you genuinely care about my feelings not because your trying to get into my pants is any of this too much to ask Am i being completely unreasonable????? I'm just so lost......


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

No, it doesn't sound like you are being unreasonable. From what you describe he sounds quite inconsiderate. 

Is the anal toy for you or him? It honestly makes no difference, I was just curious.

I would feel really angry if my H came home with a 33k car that we had not discussed or agree to. The fact that he did this while you were wrestling a 1 year old with your hand broken is really inexcusable.


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## matristar96 (Sep 18, 2013)

The toy is to stimulate his prostate which we've done externally in the past. I do have some physical things that make sex extremely uncomfortable I have prolapsed uterus, bowel and bladder (don't google it because the pictures are awful mine isn't THAT bad yet) I just had our 2nd son 6 months ago and i'm tired i work full time and am a single parent mon-fri I'm actually losing sleep now posting this but i need help. I know I shouldn't dwell on him buying the vehicle or other things he has done i should try to move on but it seems like there is always something that i am finding out. I'm an honest open person and I just wish he would be that way with me too it just breaks my heart that he isn't honest with me.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm not sure why you feel you need to get over the vehicle or anything else. It sounds like you are exhausted and spread super thin. Is he helping you out at all with the kids, house, etc? 

Honestly I am having trouble thinking of how anyone would NOT feel the way you do under your present circumstance. 

Having very young children like you do is very exhausting. Plus a job and health issues and all the rest. It doesn't seem like anything is wrong with you. Why should a person desire sex with a spouse who is undermining them and behaving in self centered ways? I would be surprised if you DID want sex under the circumstances. And you fearing him cheating on you as well.... that's awful. Its an awful fear for you to have to live under but I can see how him behaving in other matters untrustworthy can cause this.


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## matristar96 (Sep 18, 2013)

To give him a bit of credit I've always had a lower sex drive but honestly if he TRIES to romance me and we cuddle etc. i do get in the mood but I don't initiate it as much as he would like I guess. I try to initiate it even if i'm not actually in the mood because i know that i will get there with enough fourplay but again I still have my needs that aren't getting addressed. 

As far as him helping it goes in spurts I have to THROW a blood fit and have an out of body experience for him to help and tell him i'm too tired and feeling abused to be interested then of course he helps a little for a few days and then stops again. right now we are just starting the whole "oh hey i gave the kids baths today and did a batch of laundry. and oh we should go to dinner phase" meaning he knows i'm upset and he isn't getting anything this weekend if he doesn't try but as soon as we have sex it starts all over again. 


oh another tid bit after our argument about me finding him searching the anal toys in the "incognito browser mode" I told him that it would be nice if he could stay off his phone playing games and pay attention to me and the boys on the weekends since i don't see him all week. he agreed but then this last weekend he was on his phone when i asked him for help he ignored me i asked again then realized he was on his phone i mentioned the deal we had about him not playing on it on the weekends and he said that we only agreed to him playing games not to him searching things and looking up things. He likes to flip the words and play dumb like he didnt think he was doing anything wrong or that it is my fault because i wasn't specific when i said "hey i feel like the phone is a big wedge between us your always on it and we don't see each other can you stay off of it on the weekends.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

My husband deleted his history for years and he was cheating on me for years. He would ignore me or pick a fight with me and then watch porn. The fact you found the lube and the Internet history deleted is super concerning.

What I found out is that my husband has a threesome fetish and he is messing around with men. I want enough for him I guess. Get an std check and maybe get a key logger. I hope I am wrong but your situation is similar to mine, down to the lying etch.
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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Maybe post this in coping with infidelity section too
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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You say you have been to counselling, what did they say to all this. I suppose you really have to change your counsellor and good ones hardly exist. There is not much help that can be given on here unless you get your husband to come on.

Have you really tried talking to him. Or perhaps sending him a letter. The real question is if he enjoys what he is doing without you or is their a way he can do it with you if you were to change something. You dont mention that he has ever criticised you for anything. You should think hard, remember your only hope is to change yourself not him. 

He buys a new vehicle without you because its easier than having the hassle with buying it with you. That maybe the pointer for everything else. 

Again its not a matter of right or wrong. So far you dont claim he is cheating on you which is a good sign. He just finds the way he is living easier than sharing it with you.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

I feel so much sadness in what you shared  i'm so sorry you are going through this.

I can certainly relate to aspects of your experience. It seems to me your husband is in the mindset of an addict. To put it nicely. Actually, I would say he is an addict. Not just his obsession with porn etc that makes him absent from your family time and true intimacy, but the narcissism, lying and then insulting your intelligence with cover ups and blame on you for misunderstanding, and appeasing you with a bit of effort around the house with the motivation to achieve sex.

Have you gotten much help from your counsellor with this? Have they been helpful and insightful and called him out on some hard truths? Do y think he would be open to getting help?

My husband has been in 12 step fellowships for 18 years. The addiction isn't just the resulting behaviour, but all of those things - the lying, narcissism, selfishness, blame and hiding the extent of the problems, often to avoid getting in trouble, but sometimes even just compulsively when there is no need.

with us, it helped to meet occasionally with an older four friend or our pastor to talk about stuff. My pastor is a lovely man, but a straight shooter, and my husband needed to hear that honesty from a man he respects. It's so frustrating as a woman and as a wife when your husband wakes up from hearing it from another man, when it's what you've.been telling him fir months, often with tears and frustration! We went through our ups and downs, with the lying and cover ups that just became more and more bold. I began praying for God to wake him up because it seemed he was at the point of no return, and our marriage was struggling. Even our counsellor who was just amazing got to the point where she couldn't help us. What woke him up was when I found out he had been smoking when he lie to me for weeks, and that.was a breaking point for me. I thought he could be lying about anything and I thought he cheated and I just lost it at him. I was ready to pack a bag. When he encountered that, he broke down and ut seems to.have sobered him up permanently. I hate that it had to take months of hello and for him to see me livid like that, like it should have mattered to him before then.

I don't know what it will take for your husband to come to the realisation that he is hurting you and your kids and that he has a problem. I hope that your counseling will help move things in the right direction. If you have someone else you can speak to that you both respect, or an older couple you know who can listen and respond with understanding. Keep reaching out and getting support for yourself. And if you are open to it, prayer cm be really helpful. It really was for me and my situation. Your husband is deceived and he needs insight, but an addict won't easily accept the truth that's staring them in the face
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## matristar96 (Sep 18, 2013)

Well after posting i decided to just talk with my hubby and told him how i'm feeling i cried a lot but never raised my voice and for the 1st tuime in 10 years he agreed that he needed to try more this is epic it has never happened i think deep down he does love me but i've been a fixture in his life for so long that he kind of forgot about me. I'm hoping he will stick to what we talked about because it will help me be a better spouse I hate being grumpy, sad, and feeling defeated all the time i know i need to change too but it truly takes two to make it work. thank you all for your support i got on here for an outsiders view didnt want to talk to people that know us because my hubby is a great man and i dont want people thinking poor of him i just think he didnt have the best role models and a few other things. i appreciate all the continued feed back.


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