# Am I missing something here..?



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

So, I'm watching Walking Dead tonight in the family room. My wife is in my bedroom on Pinterest. The show is over and I go to the room and get ready for bed. She looks at me and says "Do you want a BJ?." I say sure. I lay down and she gives me this awesome bj.

Five minutes after she's done I collect my thoughts and say to her " I love you, that was awesome. I wish I could do something for you that would make you feel like that." Well she's comes back with.." When you hold me it makes me feel like that." Am I missing something?

Wtf? I've been married 20 years and the last 10 have been a one way road. All about her getting me off and me never getting her off. I used to think that it was my one way road...but looking back I'm more inclined to think its been her way or the highway with our sex life. 

We sleep in different rooms. I'm a light sleeper and she has a BAD snoring problem.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

eh, if you're satisfied, then why fix something that ain't broke?

She is still attending to your needs, isn't that a lovely thing to have?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> So, I'm watching Walking Dead tonight in the family room. My wife is in my bedroom on Pinterest. The show is over and I go to the room and get ready for bed. She looks at me and says "Do you want a BJ?." I say sure. I lay down and she gives me this awesome bj.
> 
> Five minutes after she's done I collect my thoughts and say to her " I love you, that was awesome. I wish I could do something for you that would make you feel like that." Well she's comes back with.." When you hold me it makes me feel like that." Am I missing something?
> 
> ...


Huh ... got me stumped. I'm just jealous you have a wife who will offer to do that every once in a while


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

john_lord_b3 said:


> eh, if you're satisfied, then why fix something that ain't broke?
> 
> She is still attending to your needs, isn't that a lovely thing to have?


True but in my case I actually enjoy tending to her needs. That is a turn-on for me. If she wasn't interested in that, it would bother me too.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> True but in my case I actually enjoy tending to her needs. That is a turn-on for me. If she wasn't interested in that, it would bother me too.


You never know how much it means to you as a man until you don't ever get to do it again. Yea it's great to get those things, but part of my needs is to know I can please her like I used to. Every man needs to feel wanted sexually sometime.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Well right now your wife are not yet in the need of your services, but she still recognizes that you needs her services. It's a hormonal thing, sometimes women experiencing a lowering of libido. But she is still caring for you, so it means she has not become selfish about it. Consider yourself lucky. Many men here in TAM in sexless marriages are not so lucky.

Maybe one day when she stops giving even the BJs, without giving any logical reasoning why she stopped caring for your needs, then it's time to go back to TAM and see what responses are here for people in that situation. 

I hope you never get into that stage... so keep praying..

Perhaps if the stars align in the right constellation, maybe you could one day persuade her to to go (together with you) to go to a doctor specializing in sexual problems. Maybe a bit of hormonal treatment will bring back her spark.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Isolating this one event from your completely legitimate concerns outside of this event.

That is awesome.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

YupItsMe said:


> Isolating this one event from your completely legitimate concerns outside of this event.
> 
> That is awesome.


One event? This has been going on 10 years...


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Well right now your wife are not yet in the need of your services, but she still recognizes that you needs her services. It's a hormonal thing, sometimes women experiencing a lowering of libido. But she is still caring for you, so it means she has not become selfish about it. Consider yourself lucky. Many men here in TAM in sexless marriages are not so lucky.


So let me get this right. As long as I'm getting BJs I need to sit down and shut up because there are guys here who don't get sex at all. BS! First my issues are legitimate. Second if I were not having sex at all I would be long gone.
I guess a need to look up your past posts. I'm baffled by your logic.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

Do you have sex ever? This sounds like a woman who is avoiding having sex by getting you off. How is your relationship otherwise? Romance, quality time alone with just each other? You said she feels "like that when you hold her", do you do that often?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

humanbecoming said:


> Do you have sex ever? This sounds like a woman who is avoiding having sex by getting you off. How is your relationship otherwise? Romance, quality time alone with just each other? You said she feels "like that when you hold her", do you do that often?


Yes we have intercourse..but it's a one way deal. Just to please me. ONLY. She does not have or want an orgasm.
Relationship is better now. She had 2 PAs and 2 EAs 10 years ago.
Quality time alone. Never
I hold her in the morning about 3 times a month for about 15mins each time.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> So let me get this right. As long as I'm getting BJs I need to sit down and shut up because there are guys here who don't get sex at all. BS! First my issues are legitimate. Second if I were not having sex at all I would be long gone.
> I guess a need to look up your past posts. I'm baffled by your logic.
> 
> ...Yes we have intercourse..but it's a one way deal. Just to please me. ONLY. She does not have or want an orgasm.
> ...


Sorry if my previous post makes you feels like I am not taking you seriously. My sincerest apology.

Ah, now we get more information. How do you feel about her affairs? Have you really get past that and forgiven her?

Does she still feels guilt? It is possible that her guilt makes her feels like she has to serve you, and not getting pleasure herself, to make up for past wrongdoings. This, off course, resulting in her creating a mental block from deriving pleasure from sex with you.

Anyway, if you have forgiven her, but she still has this mental block which prevents her from enjoying sex with you, then it's better to get professional help.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Sounds like she is not comfortable receiving but still is attentive and loving towards you and your needs.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm wondering if this is her way of maintaining control. In order to orgasm she would have to let go. It appears she is not prepared to do this.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

MrBrains said:


> Yes we have intercourse..but it's a one way deal. Just to please me. ONLY. She does not have or want an orgasm.
> Relationship is better now. She had 2 PAs and 2 EAs 10 years ago.
> Quality time alone. Never
> I hold her in the morning about 3 times a month for about 15mins each time.


JMHO

she was never really into you. she likes the life style she has for you but is not interested in you romanticaly or sexually.

and she probably has someone on the side who she is very attracted to but don't want to change the status quo. 

she knows she has to do something for you sexually and feels giving you oral will keep you satisifyed. and she saving her sexuallity for her lover. she dosn't want to cheat on her lover so she offers a bj.


she had two physical affairs and an emotional affiar!!!!!

so she obiviously has desire just not with you.

do some snooping.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

I'll try a slightly different approach then chillmorn. From your original posts I would have said maybe there is a medical issue preventing her from O or causing her to have LD. Once you mentioned the different affairs that raises a red flag. It sounds like she has built a wall around herself and is not letting you in. This could be because she doesn't want to open herself up to be hurt or vulnerable. She had a lot of offairs sound like she was looking for something and couldn't find it. I would say you need to delve into what happened 10 yrs ago and how thst is affecting her behavior. MC would be a good place to start. Also if she didn't care for you at all, I don't believe she would try to continue to meet your needs. Best of luck to you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I'm sure most of stems from her childhood. It was very bad. I was hoping to hear something new but you guys have confirmed most of my thoughts about her. Not sure I'm staying after the last child leaves the house. Three more years of putting up with passionless sex is not to bad. Most guys here have it a lot worse.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Sorry if my previous post makes you feels like I am not taking you seriously. My sincerest apology.
> 
> Ah, now we get more information. How do you feel about her affairs? Have you really get past that and forgiven her?
> 
> ...


Yes I have gotten past the affairs. I think your dead on with this. Tried MC many times. They have been a waste of money IMO. The last one said she didn't have an affair if your not sure that they had sex. She met the guy on Facebook and was meeting him out during the day while I was working.
Over the years we've been to 5. I can't say I would recommend any of the MC we went to. All but one was a woman. All had a very pro-female lean.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> JMHO
> 
> she was never really into you. she likes the life style she has for you but is not interested in you romanticaly or sexually.
> 
> ...


Oh boy, check phone records keylogger on the computer look around in her car/purse for a burner phone.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> Yes I have gotten past the affairs. I think your dead on with this. Tried MC many times. They have been a waste of money IMO. The last one said she didn't have an affair if your not sure that they had sex. She met the guy on Facebook and was meeting him out during the day while I was working.
> Over the years we've been to 5. I can't say I would recommend any of the MC we went to. All but one was a woman. All had a very pro-female lean.


Oy, so sorry to hear that you have bad experiences with MCs. I assure you, not all counsellors take sides. 

Other distinguished TAM Members, do you guys have any recommendations? A good MC who happen to be located near Mr. Brains's home?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

So my wife tells me tonight. "I am not having sex with you again until you tell me you like it the way it is." She left. Hope she comes back. But she's done a lot of damage to my self esteem over the past 10 years. Never moved to touch me until I touch her first. She says "I don't dote on any man".....bummed.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

How many times a month she pleases you?You say you hold her 3 times a month,do you only get sex/bj 3 times a month too?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I get BJs quit a bit 3 times a week or so. But it her way or the highway I guess.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

So she gives you what you want 3 times a week yet you only give her what she wants 3 times a month.
You asked her what you could do to make her feel good like you feel when she gives you a bj and she told you what you should do yet you still don't do it.

Start doing what she wants and maybe she will want to have sex with you,why would she want to have sex with someone who only cares about his needs?Yeah you asked her what you could do but you don't do what she tells you.

Seems more like your way or the highway.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Years ago in college I had a female friend [only a friend,whichwas to bad]but her thing was if she ddid not really like a guy she would give him a BJ because she could get through that.

I think what one of the earlier poster said is trure,she is just giving you BJs to keep you happy and she knows that is all she needs to do since she is not into you.

She could also be waiting for the kids to leave also,which happened to one of my friends.I don't believe in that waiting thing because there are no Guarantees you will be on this earth then so get to living.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> I'm sure most of stems from her childhood. It was very bad.


Yup. Guaranteed.

You can do a lot of reading on your own regarding people who have been through whatever it was she had. In my case a girl who had been sexually abused by her father for many years, with a mother who looked the other way.

I did a LOT of reading and although it did help me understand better, it was not worth living with her. Sex was awful, but that was only one aspect of how abusive she was, and I'm betting it isn't just sex that you have problems with.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Last night, my wife gave me a killer BJ.

Tonight, she let me give her oral and almost orgasmed and I finished with her sucking on my finger and me doing her doggie, laying down flat on the bed. Very nice.

My wife also breaths loudly and snors, so I have a fan on while we sleep that creates some noise, which is known as white noise. You get used to it fast and any small sounds are drowned out, including my wife's loud breathing. I've almost forbidden her to sleep on her back or facing me because I wake up from snorring or loud breathing.

My wife also loves cuddling and can't get enough. She has to compete with our female cat. Both want me for cuddling, it's actually funny.

I couldn't sleep in another room. Maybe one night alone but after that, I need my wifee.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, I think your situation is a little messed up. There's no intimacy with sex - only when you two sit together and you hold her. How many times per month do you get to have intercourse? If it's once/month or less, then you are being short changed. When you say 2 EAs and 2 PAs, were these with 4 separate men or were these EAs that turned into PAs with the same guys or some other combination? My guess is that there are more men that you don't know about, and I strongly suspect that she's been seeing other men on the side in EAs and/or PAs during the past 10 years. You really need to find out what's going on here. She is not into you sexually, but she is a sexual person. It does not compute unless she's getting it somewhere else.

You may need to get this thread moved to CWI.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I think there's just no way to make up and have a normal marriage with someone who has been sexually abused. She looks at sex as how to communicate with men. There will never be any true sexual desire for me from her. To bad I didn't find out about this massive baggage until after she was pregnant. All I want is a normal relationship. Is that to much to ask?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Should I tell her yes i accept our sex life the way it is? Emotionless but she gives me sex when I want it.
Or should I just get out and find someone who will want to have sex with me?
Her needs are met. 
I don't believe she is having an affair. 
I just think she's broken and does not what to be fixed.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

I don't get it,why won't you hold her more often if that is what she wants?Maybe she will want to have more sex then.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You've put up with too much from her for too long and even worse you're letting HER give YOU ultimatums. Who wears the pants in this marriage exactly?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

NewM said:


> I don't get it,why won't you hold her more often if that is what she wants?Maybe she will want to have more sex then.


She does not want me touching her that much.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Jasel said:


> You've put up with too much from her for too long and even worse you're letting HER give YOU ultimatums. Who wears the pants in this marriage exactly?


Your right.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Did your wife ever get any counselling or therapy for what happened in her childhood? Was it sexual abuse?

My thoughts... Your wife is broken, as you said. She needs to understand that unless she seeks the help she needs, her comfy marriage and family life is in jeopardy. Yes, a BJ 3x a week might seem like heaven to some guys, but it's not meeting your needs, and it's not "normal". I would say you have a right to expect more than that. 

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

But what I wonder is that you've been married for 20 years, and you say this problem has been occurring for 10. And her abuse (if that's what happened) obviously happened long before that. 

So what was your sex life like at the beginning of your marriage? What happened 10 years ago? When did the affairs occur, and how were they handled?

C


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

MrBrains, your wife is not interested in sex. The blowjobs are just a quickie to get you off her back. Other women just play corpse and let the man do his thing, or give handjobs but she has probably figured that it is a lot quicker and effortless with a BJ.

You are right to feel disappointed. You get sex but you are disconnected from your wife.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> Should I tell her yes i accept our sex life the way it is? Emotionless but she gives me sex when I want it.
> Or should I just get out and find someone who will want to have sex with me?
> Her needs are met.
> *I don't believe she is having an affair. *
> I just think she's broken and does not what to be fixed.


You better verify the veracity of that assumption.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

The closest I have come to this was a few months back. For no particular reason I walked into the bedroom where the wife was warching TV and without a word, pulled down her pants and gave her oral till she orgasmed.....Not expecting anything in return. After she caught her breath, she said "would you like me to do you now"....Well HELL YAA.....It was great......

Currently she is on medication that makes it impossible for her to get off.........I really miss it.....


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

RFguy said:


> MrBrains, your wife is not interested in sex. The blowjobs are just a quickie to get you off her back. Other women just play corpse and let the man do his thing, or give handjobs but she has probably figured that it is a lot quicker and effortless with a BJ.
> 
> You are right to feel disappointed. You get sex but you are disconnected from your wife.


My wife plays corpse when we make love or what ever you want to call what she's doing. Yes for those that asked she was sexually abused from age 8-12 and was raped in college at 18. Never went to a professional to help her with it. She says she doesn't need to.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

MrBrains said:


> My wife plays corpse when we make love or what ever you want to call what she's doing. Yes for those that asked she was sexually abused from age 8-12 and was raped in college at 18. Never went to a professional to help her with it. She says she doesn't need to.


I would respectfully disagree with your wife. For the sake of your marriage (or any future intimate relationship of hers) she DOES need to deal with what happened to her. Or she needs to find someone who is willing to accept a non-intimate relationship. Your issue is deciding on whether you're willing to be that person. Because she's telling you clearly that this is who she is, and she's not going to change.

C


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Lord please give me the strength to hold firm when my wife comes home to berate me and make me feel this is all my fault. She is still in a hotel somewhere.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

> She looks at sex as how to communicate with men. There will never be any true sexual desire for me from her.


This is very telling and your answer for what to do about it.

Are you happy with this? You basically said that she doesn't want to communicate with you.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> Yes for those that asked she was sexually abused from age 8-12 and was raped in college at 18. Never went to a professional to help her with it. She says she doesn't need to.


It seems to me she does need to if she has any hope of being able to connect with you the way you want to connect. 

I realize it's easy for me to say being on the outside looking in but I'd really like to believe there is help available for someone who has gone through this.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> Years ago in college I had a female friend [only a friend,whichwas to bad]but her thing was if she ddid not really like a guy she would give him a BJ because she could get through that.


Gee...I wish all the women who didn't really like me felt the same way.


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