# At a loss on what to do.. Please help !



## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

Hey everyone I am new to this site and needed some advice. This is going to be a long story so please just read thoroughly. I have been with my husband for 7 years , married 1. We have two beautiful children together but seem to be fighting more so lately than we have ever done in the past. We have tons of trust issues with each other and we are both at a loss on what to do. I wanted to explain from the very beginning so the entire story makes sense.We have both been debating separation or divorce due to all of the discrepancies we have put each other through.

My husband and met through mutual friends at a friend’s house in 2009. We started talking and eventually dating. Weeks into us dating he had me believe that although this was casually dating and getting to know each other, he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, that I was the only one. In turn, I was exclusive with him. By the end of the summer I had some major life issues that had happened causing me to get a job as a ****tail waitress at an establishment he wasn’t entirely okay with. I was upfront and never hid that from him as I needed the money ASAP to put a roof over my head and purchase a car seeing that I no longer had one. My boyfriend (now husband) was always informed and I was always an open book regarding anything and everything I did whether he asked or not. Eventually he broke up with me due to the matter and we did not talk very often unless he felt his “needs” needed to be taken care of. I would get the occasionally late night message from him and of course Id cave and let him come over. From the beginning this man knew I had fallen hard for him. Even when we chose to separate, I still always had him in the back of my mind. I went on a few date with others, but never slept with anyone except him and always made sure he knew that. He said the same to me. 

Overtime we decided to start dating again and move forward. A few years into in I had found out he was consistently texting some of his ex-girlfriends, had been sleeping with others (in the beginning) even though he had always reassured me he hadn’t. He would still tell me he was going “hunting” and be caught at the strip club or going out for “guys night” and be caught at his buddies apartment with other girls. He was always good at hiding things. From the beginning the times we were together I was not talking to anyone else. As I said before when we broke up I did go on dates. Later on I found out he had done a lot more than that. Even with him doing all of this I still to that day remained faithful to him. We moved in together at some point in Sept 2010. I still had not met a lot of his friends or even his family. His excuse I find out later on was BC he was embarrassed of me , where I had worked in the past, and because I had tattoos. That I wasn’t the most upstanding person due to those reasons…. However he didn’t introduce me because he knew it would shed light on all of the things he had been doing wrong. Along the way I chose to stay with him despite what he had done. Yes I know, sounds crazy but this was the first man I had said I love you too and despite all of the things he did wrong or the ways he had treated me, I believed somewhere in there he cared about me too.

Eventually he started working off shore, things were fine so I assumed. This mas was telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me and that there was no one else in the world he chose to be with. Boy was I wrong. I found out he had subscribed to a dating site where his profile was active for 11 days. He posted an actual picture of himself stating he lived in NOLA and was looking to just have fun.. ya know, nothing “serious”. I felt like my world had ended. I immediately called him and accused him of doing this.. All he could do was deny it and say I was crazy.. Eventually he admitted it and said it was for “fun” . when asked what that meant, he said he and a buddy were screwing around with girl to see what kind of crazy things they would do and if they could get naked pics. He says was this was purely for fun and not cheating but to me it seems to be the other way. He even emailed a friend saying oh sit I got caught by this girl you know , I am ****ed, I need to delete the evidence. He openly admits later he would have hid this from me forever if I did not catch him. So with everything he had done to me at this point I had emailed him stating I think we should separate and time apart seems to be needed. I felt betrayed by him and his actions weren’t okay. 

After all of that, I then reached out to an old friend, which looking back was not a good idea. I confided in him and told him what happened. I also had told him recently this man (my boyfriend) had also gotten physical with me while drunk one night. We chatted a bit and texted back and forth, all harmless, no intention of starting any sort of relationship. Well since I knew him and he was a friend of the opposite sex I met him for pool one night and he came over for dinner, AS friends and nothing more. A week or two later at some point he felt the need to send me some half nude pics which I did not reciprocate. once that happened, I stopped talking to him as things got awkward. I did however text and talk to an ex. I honestly can’t remember about what or why, but it was just nice to know I wasn’t this horrible person that my current boyfriend made me feel like.( mind you this was 2012). I never met up with my ex , it was purely a casual conversation here and there. At some point in between looking for a new place to live and packing up my stuff, my boyfriend had somehow convinced me we should make this work. I decided it what was best bc I did love him. At that point I decided I was going to focus on my relationship and I did. Things were good for a few months until I decided to go to a Halloween party with 4 of my girlfriends. We were all too drunk to drive, so a female friend offered to let us stay at her place. When I got there I had realized that the house we were at was a guy I knew of and my old roommate. Our driver was his girlfriend. Not sober enough to make a conscious decision to call a cab, I slept on the couch with 2 of my lady friends while both guys slept in the rooms with their girlfriends. I in no way SLEPT AT ANOTHER GUYS HOUSE WITH HIM as my husband’s seem to portray the situation. Yes I lied about where I was to save an argument but figured it was a harmless white lie BC both guys were with their girlfriends in their beds and I was where I belonged on the couch. Well I ended up telling my boyfriend the truth and he was pissed. I can’t remember if we broke up or not. Eventually, again we started “figuring things out”. We came to an agreement that we would no longer have friends of the opposite sex. Over the years I did act controlling of him and wanted to be in his business all of the time bc he constantly lied over and over. He wouldn’t tell me the full truth regarding situations and would delete conversations or messages he felt would start fights. This has been ongoing from him up until recently when he was caught pulling money out of the account and lying about his whereabouts and who was there while at a work training in another city. I decided to leave him at this point. We were still not married but already had one child on the ground and I was pregnant with our son. As soon as I left him he changed all passwords to bank account and left me no access to any money. Mind you we did not share an account and the money I had saved was used to pay off all medical bills from delivery and birth of my daughter. I came back a few days later and he still lied regarding this situation.. After hours of grilling him he finally told the truth. He also admitted that he would have never come clean about this if I hadn’t caught him.

I will be the first to say I never told him about the dates I went on while we weren’t together and lied when he asked to save face. I never came forward with the information of talking to my ex and this “other guy”. I never cheated on him and never had an emotional fair so he claims it to be. My husband has spoken with both my ex and this guy who have confirmed this story. My husband has combed through my emails, Facebook, phone records, and contacts to confirm. He has gone behind my back and messaged and called random people from my past to try to dig up information. I have also voluntarily put him in contact with old bosses and friends to give him clarity on my past and the person I was and he still believes I have somehow have convinced them to lie for me even after all of these years. My husband has always been one to get even. I understand what I did was wrong; I have fully acknowledged it and told him I deserve whatever is coming to me. I hid things in my past from him; I did not come forward with information just as he didn’t. I understand 2 wrongs don’t make a right. In turn I have sought individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. He has only made efforts to attend one session. Instead of trying to leave the past in the past and both own our mistakes, he is choosing to reach out and make our relationship look like a joke to everyone I know. What’s crazy to me is when I have asked to do the same in the past he has gotten irate and defensive regarding me doing this, and all of a sudden he’s okay with me doing it now. Seems fishy to me. I am at a loss on what to do. Is it possible to get over things like this? Am I crazy for wanting to make our relationship work? Time and time again I have asked if we could start over and just try and make things better but that literally will last a week or two. I am at a loss on what to do. I want our marriage to work not only for my kids, but for us. I do love this man more than words can describe, but how do we get over past incidents. We both have a hard time letting things go but he has really taken it too far this time. How do we move forward from here. We have both considered separation or divorce but I don’t want to fully consider it unless we have tried everything possible to make this work.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Yes, I'm sorry to say it but in answer to your question you are crazy to think this relationship could ever work. 

He's lied to you, cheated on you repeatedly and shows absolutely no remorse, it's gotten to the point where all he cares about is trying to find you guilty of some transgression as if that will some how negate all of his. 

You're wasting your time with each passing day you spend with this deceptive, remorseless cheater, who apparently has also been physically abusive to you on more than one occasion.

You don't want to consider divorce or separation until you've tried everything possible to make it work, and that's commendable, however you are only one half of the equation and he's not doing anything possible to make it work other than trying to catch you in a lie of some sort.

When you do file for divorce expect things to get nasty real fast. Given that the first time you left him he cut you off of all funds, expect he'll do that again, and since he's been physical with you in the past don't be surprised if you're on the receiving end of more violent behavior. Get a restraining order based on the history and your fear of him at the same time you file for divorce, along with an order of temporary support so you'll have money for yourself and the kids. Usually you can get assistance from women's rights activists who spend their day at family court who salivate at the chance to knock yet another guy out of the ring the first chance they get.


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

He has only physically put his hands on me that one time. We were both past the point of "drunk". This was 5 years ago.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

JaSim340 said:


> He has only physically put his hands on me that one time. We were both past the point of "drunk". This was 5 years ago.


He just rested his hands on you?


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

JaSim340 said:


> Hey everyone I am new to this site and needed some advice. This is going to be a long story so please just read thoroughly. I have been with my husband for 7 years , married 1. We have two beautiful children together but seem to be fighting more so lately than we have ever done in the past. We have tons of trust issues with each other and we are both at a loss on what to do. I wanted to explain from the very beginning so the entire story makes sense. We have both been debating separation or divorce due to all of the discrepancies we have put each other through. My husband and met through mutual friends at a friend’s house in 2009. We started talking and eventually dating. Weeks into us dating he had me believe that although this was casually dating and getting to know each other, he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, that I was the only one. In turn, I was exclusive with him. By the end of the summer I had some major life issues that had happened causing me to get a job as a ****tail waitress at an establishment he wasn’t entirely okay with. I was upfront and never hid that from him as I needed the money ASAP to put a roof over my head and purchase a car seeing that I no longer had one. My boyfriend (now husband) was always informed and I was always an open book regarding anything and everything I did whether he asked or not. Eventually he broke up with me due to the matter and we did not talk very often unless he felt his “needs” needed to be taken care of. I would get the occasionally late night message from him and of course Id cave and let him come over. From the beginning this man knew I had fallen hard for him. Even when we chose to separate, I still always had him in the back of my mind. I went on a few date with others, but never slept with anyone except him and always made sure he knew that. He said the same to me. Overtime we decided to start dating again and move forward. A few years into in I had found out he was consistently texting some of his ex-girlfriends, had been sleeping with others (in the beginning) even though he had always reassured me he hadn’t. He would still tell me he was going “hunting” and be caught at the strip club or going out for “guys night” and be caught at his buddies apartment with other girls. He was always good at hiding things. From the beginning the times we were together I was not talking to anyone else. As I said before when we broke up I did go on dates. Later on I found out he had done a lot more than that. Even with him doing all of this I still to that day remained faithful to him. We moved in together at some point in Sept 2010. I still had not met a lot of his friends or even his family. His excuse I find out later on was BC he was embarrassed of me , where I had worked in the past, and because I had tattoos. That I wasn’t the most upstanding person due to those reasons…. However he didn’t introduce me because he knew it would shed light on all of the things he had been doing wrong. Along the way I chose to stay with him despite what he had done. Yes I know, sounds crazy but this was the first man I had said I love you too and despite all of the things he did wrong or the ways he had treated me, I believed somewhere in there he cared about me too. Well Eventually he started working off shore, things were fine so I assumed. This mas was telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me and that there was no one else in the world he chose to be with. Boy was I wrong. I found out he had subscribed to a dating site where his profile was active for 11 days. He posted an actual picture of himself stating he lived in NOLA and was looking to just have fun.. ya know, nothing “serious”. I felt like my world had ended. I immediately called him and accused him of doing this.. All he could do was deny it and say I was crazy.. Eventually he admitted it and said it was for “fun” . when asked what that meant, he said he and a buddy were screwing around with girl to see what kind of crazy things they would do and if they could get naked pics. He says was this was purely for fun and not cheating but to me it seems to be the other way. He even emailed a friend saying oh sit I got caught by this girl you know , I am ****ed, I need to delete the evidence. He openly admits later he would have hid this from me forever if I did not catch him. So with everything he had done to me at this point I had emailed him stating I think we should separate and time apart seems to be needed. I felt betrayed by him and his actions weren’t okay. I eventually reached out to an old friend, which looking back was not a good idea. I confided in him and told him what happened. I also had told him recently this man (my boyfriend) had also gotten physical with me while drunk one night. We chatted a bit and texted back and forth, all harmless, no intention of starting any sort of relationship. Well since I knew him and he was a friend of the opposite sex I met him for pool one night and he came over for dinner, AS friends and nothing more. A week or two later at some point he felt the need to send me some half nude pics which I did not reciprocate. After that happened, I stopped talking to him as things got awkward. I did however text and talk to an ex. I honestly can’t remember about what or why, but it was just nice to know I wasn’t this horrible person that my current boyfriend made me feel like.( mind you this was 2012) I never met up with my ex , it was purely a casual conversation here and there. At some point in between looking for a new place to live and packing up my stuff, my boyfriend had somehow convinced me we should make this work. I decided it what was best bc I did love him. At that point I decided I was going to focus on my relationship and I did. Things were good for a few months until I decided to go to a Halloween party with 4 of my girlfriends. We were all too drunk to drive, so a female friend offered to let us stay at her place. When I got there I had realized that the house we were at was a guy I knew of and my old roommate. Our driver was his girlfriend. Not sober enough to make a conscious decision to call a cab, I slept on the couch with 2 of my lady friends while both guys slept in the rooms with their girlfriends. I in no way SLEPT AT ANOTHER GUYS HOUSE WITH HIM as my husband’s seem to portray the situation. Yes I lied about where I was to save an argument but figured it was a harmless white lie BC both guys were with their girlfriends in their beds and I was where I belonged on the couch. Well I eventually told my boyfriend the truth and he was pissed. I can’t remember if we broke up or not. Eventually, again we started “figuring things out”. We came to an agreement that we would no longer have friends of the opposite sex. Over the years I did act controlling of him and wanted to be in his business all of the time bc he constantly lied over and over. He wouldn’t tell me the full truth regarding situations and would delete conversations or messages he felt would start fights. This has been ongoing from him up until recently when he was caught pulling money out of the account and lying about his whereabouts and who was there while at a work training in another city. I decided to leave him at this point. We were still not married but already had one child on the ground and I was pregnant with our son. As soon as I left him he changed all passwords to bank account and left me no access to any money. Mind you we did not share an account and the money I had saved was used to pay off all medical bills from delivery and birth of my daughter. I came back a few days later and he still lied regarding this situation.. After hours of grilling him he finally told the truth. He also admitted that he would have never come clean about this if I hadn’t caught him. I will be the first to say I never told him about the dates I went on while we weren’t together and lied when he asked to save face. I never came forward with the information of talking to my ex and this “other guy”. I never cheated on him and never had an emotional fair so he claims it to be. My husband has spoken with both my ex and this guy who have confirmed this story. My husband has combed through my emails, Facebook, phone records, and contacts to confirm. He has gone behind my back and messaged and called random people from my past to try to dig up information. I have also voluntarily put him in contact with old bosses and friends to give him clarity on my past and the person I was and he still believes I have somehow have convinced them to lie for me even after all of these years. My husband has always been one to get even. I understand what I did was wrong; I have fully acknowledged it and told him I deserve whatever is coming to me. I hid things in my past from him; I did not come forward with information just as he didn’t. I understand 2 wrongs don’t make a right. In turn I have sought individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. He has only made efforts to attend one session. Instead of trying to leave the past in the past and both own our mistakes, he is choosing to reach out and make our relationship look like a joke to everyone I know. What’s crazy to me is when I have asked to do the same in the past he has gotten irate and defensive regarding me doing this, and all of a sudden he’s okay with me doing it now. Seems fishy to me. I am at a loss on what to do. Is it possible to get over things like this? Am I crazy for wanting to make our relationship work? Time and time again I have asked if we could start over and just try and make things better but that literally will last a week or two. I am at a loss on what to do. I want our marriage to work not only for my kids, but for us. I do love this man more than words can describe, but how do we get over past incidents. We both have a hard time letting things go but he has really taken it too far this time. How do we move forward from here. We have both considered separation or divorce but I don’t want to fully consider it unless we have tried everything possible to make this work.




Hi, 

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this and I'm pretty sure I've read your husband side of the story and gave him a bit of a hard time because I believe what he did with the dating site provoked you to acting the way you did. That said two wrongs don't make a right.

The only way it will ever work is if you are both an open book with each other, come clean about everything and then go to marriage counselling together, it's no use you going alone, he needs help too.


I can relate to your story as my husband (soon to be ex) works offshore, so your husbands post hit a nerve with me.


If you both don't get help fast I would advise you to run as fast as your legs can carry you, I did and I feel like a weights been lifted off my shoulders, such a relief.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Can you use paragraphs will make it easier to read, also forum rules is one thread on the same thing and you have 2 going on right now.


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

tackled me, held me down, put me on the ground.. Cops were called.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I guess I was moderated, but there is no happy ending here.


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

Yes I can, Should I go back and edit / delete? Sorry new to group.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JaSim340 said:


> tackled me, held me down, put me on the ground.. Cops were called.


And you are staying with him ... WHY???? I don't get it; I just don't. There is not a thing that would cause me to be "at a loss" if a man EVER did this to me.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You know he is posting on a forum, right.


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

Yes I do know. We are both trying to gain advice for these obstacles within our marriage. Thank you for the heads up. I told him I would be posting so he did not think I was hiding this account in any way shape or form.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Your accounts of what happened are similar but differ from one an other. The two of you seeing it from your own perspective. 

The two of you should read each other's view point. It might help.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I expect people to mess up. None of us is perfect. What I use to make judgments is what you do AFTER you mess up. You have apparently learned the ways in which you screwed up the marriage and you seem to be avoiding such ways now. Your H is just freaking out because he expected you to just sit at home and wait by the phone for him while he went out and screwed whomever he could. Now that he knows you've been around other men, it's driving him crazy. And he is NOT recognizing or acknowledging how he has harmed you and the relationship. Erego, he's not learning. Just trying to win.

Not a great reason to stay with him. He believes it's his right to cheat, lie, and hide from you. Is that all you deserve in a marriage?


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

He left out some major details that could easily make the story go from okay I could see that and that's not terrible, to OMG she did what?! He know what has happened as he has been in contact with everyone in all of these situations, I.e those guys, their girlfriends, the guy I "talked" to, my ex, my friends, hell everyone from my past and entire call log for the past 5 years! I have put him in touch with old bosses, roommates etc. I have done what I can do reassure him in any way possible and he is still looking to "get even". Bottom like is we both screwed up. I openly admit it, I take responsibility for what is to come. I want our marriage to work but when he's threatening to blast me in social media, has contacted handfuls of people I know and made our relationship look like a joke, told guys he works with, it seems to me he's looking for an out instead of trying to work on our marriage as he proclaims. He says let's move on, let's leave whatever happened prior to marriage alone. Let's move forward.. yet, two hours after every time he says that he's blowing up my phone, trying to corner me and making threats to leave if I don't fess up right this minute. When I tell him the truth, he does not accept it as the truth. Since it is not what he wants to hear it must be a lie.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Again, why are you so committed to this guy?


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@JaSim340 he did leave out some major details, I knew by reading it there was more to it. He has said the dating site was a joke but the fact is a married guy should never sign up to one whether it's a joke or not, so it's hypocritical of him to act the way he is with you, I feel he's getting a taste of his own medicine. 

But to work on your marriage you both have to be willing to be honest, move forward and get some counselling, it isn't easy but it is doable.

In regards to the domestic violence, you say it was only once and he was drunk, it's still no excuse. If that ever happens again you really shouldn't stay with him.

I hope you both can work it as right now youse seem to me desperate for help and advise, so you must love each other.


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

We weren't married at the time when the POF account happened but he was telling me he wanted to marry me, there was no one else etc. hence why I pulled away after light shed on his ways. Yes there is absolutely no excuse for putting his hands on me, I totally agree. I think it was a really bad night for us both and we both regret things that were done and said. We haven chosen to move forward despite that incident so long ago. 

I am desperate and at a loss on what to do and how to do it. I want our marriage to work. I want to be happy with this man but it seems he has to challenge every single thing. He can't just close the chapter and start a new one. Sounds hypocritical BC I treated him similar ways. However, I would never take things to the extent as he has for I have more respect for him.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So, your husband must be poster JJKKDM on here.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@JaSim340 oh that's right, he did say you weren't married at that point, my mistake. You were in a committed relationship so he was very wrong to set up a POF.

I do believe people can change, if he's only ever done that once maybe he was disgusted with himself and hasn't assaulted you from it. 

I feel for you, I know what it's like to be in this situation. You can tell you want to resolve this, to do that he really needs to agree to some counselling with you, talking it over with a trained professional who can advise you both how to communicate with each other about it all without fighting and can give you coping mechanisms for triggers and so on, it will really benefit you both.

If you feel the marriage is worth fighting for then do your best to save it, it will be a tough road but it is doable, so many people can eventually move on from things like this.

From your husbands posts he comments on how good the relationship was prior to any of this and how good you were as a partner, so that can happen again, it will take some time. 


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

Yes you are correct


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

Thankyou LoveOntheRocks, I really needed to hear this today. I appreciate the honest advice.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

The thing from your husbands point of view I agree with. Halloween party, drinking, then lying about where you stayed. He said he didn't trust the guy you stayed with and that you knew this ahead of time. Then you take a cab home the next morning. 

Why not take a cab home that night?

Why stay at a guys place your husband doesn't trust?

Your husband said you told him that you slept on the couch with the other two girls. But I think you said above that the other girls where sleeping with the guys. Which is the case?

Also why even put yourself in a situation that you would have to lie about and defend?

Just to be fair. If my wife ever did this. Proof or not, I would file for divorce. I would never sleep at another woman's house and I would expect the same from her.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

I just want to say to you...Life is so much better than this. This years-long struggle to keep something together that clearly needs to fall apart sounds exhausting. I dealt with a two-month separation that was not nearly as turmoil-filled as your situation and I was over it. I'd just urge you to think of the quality of life you want for your children and yourself. What would you tell one of your children to do if it were them? 

Again, life is a beautiful thing to be enjoyed. It is finite. Take all the energy you are focusing on a cheater and move it forward to your children. Good luck to you.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

JaSim340 said:


> Thankyou LoveOntheRocks, I really needed to hear this today. I appreciate the honest advice.




You're welcome  only you know what's best for you, mistakes have been made but that doesn't mean you both can't rectify them. Have you tried speaking some more to your husband about marriage counselling? I really hope you manage to get through to him and you both get the help you need.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> So, your husband must be poster JJKKDM on here.


While entertaining to have both partners posting on here at the same time, it's counterproductive.

It's like both partners seeking independent counseling from the same therapist.

Just wrong on so many levels.


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

My friends and I slept on the couches while those guys and THEIR girlfriends were in their room. These are OTHER girls besides my friends. My husband knew this as I sent him pictures of us all on the couches. My husband had no reason prior to not like this guy. He and this have hung out long ago and in no way was their ever ill feelings towards each other. This specific reason is why my husband doesn't like him now. Even though my husband has spoken with him and everything has been clarified. My husband has even spoken with the guys girlfriend who was in bed with him.


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

We got home from the bar/ eating around 330 am. I had asked numerous times to be dropped off but it was out of the way. I was in no way going to be that drunk stranded girl. When I got to the house I went outside, walked around and tried to find a street name. Like I said this was prior to us being married so please read thouroughly. I talk to my husband about it that following morning. I in no way hid this from him or tried to deny it .


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

Yes I have and I am trying to set up regular appointments for when he is home. I have been seeing one individually for personal reasons from past childhood events. Holding we can merge everything and make this work. We have been in less heated communication today. finger shots crossed we get through this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He just has the old double standard. He can do it cuz he's a guy, but you'd better not even appear improper, let alone do anything improper. You deserve better.


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

@browser 

I'm sorry that you feel its "wrong" for us both to be posting. We both want clarity and needed to get things off of our chest just like everyone else on this forum. I do not feel this has been counterproductive. If anything we have learned from this and can now see how the other feels. We have decided to seek marriage counseling and put anything that happened prior to marriage in the past. In order to move forward we BOTH need to do that. We have children depending on us and despite our mistakes and flaws we do love each other. We just need guidance on how to trust again and move on without resentment. We both know it wont be easy but in the end of the day it is what is best for our family.


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

@turnera

Despite everything we have gone through I do love him very much..he has also been there for me during some trying times. I had a rough childhood and he has helped me deal with it along the way. We have always had this chemistry I cant explain and for the most part our sex life has been on point.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

"Let me clarify the "sleeping at another mans house comment". This happened about 11 months after the photo exchange incident. I was again offshore and she told me she was going to a Halloween party with all her friends. This particular group of friends had a guy in it that she text and called fairly frequently (some type of communication 3 to 4 days a week, I checked the phone records). I told her more than once that I felt he wanted more from here than just friendship and she always assured me he did not.

As the party at the bar ends, her and a few girls go back to his house. She states that their designated driver had left them stranded so she had to take the ride going to his house. That night she told me that she was at her friend Heather's apartment going to bed. Upon checking the call/text logs I see she contacted a cab company early in the morning (she wouldn't have had to do this because her car was at Heather's apartment). I confront her about it and she admits to lying about where she stayed. She assures me she slept on the couch with two other girls."

So you are saying that all of this is a lie.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@JaSim340 don't worry about you both posting, there's nowhere it states the same couple aren't allowed to post and I think it's actually very good you both post because then we aren't hearing a one sided story and giving one sided advice, we have better knowledge so can offer more advice.

Sorry to hear you had some childhood problems, I hope your counsellor is helping you through that. And it's good to know you have both agreed to try and put the past behind you and get some counselling together, I really hope you get your marriage back on track. You love each other and have children, so your family is worth fighting for. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Yes I understand the two of you were not married yet. 

But if I am not mistaken, the two of you were in a exclusive relationship at the time.

There are quite a few stories on TAM about spouses or SO that go out partying like you have. The entire time saying nothing is going on when in fact they were cheating. Not saying you did, but many others has in your place. It's when they lie about where they are, as your husband claims you said you were at Heathers apt, not the guy he is talking about. That is where the mistrust begins. 

Your husbands scenario of events is a huge red flag. If you read the responses on his thread you will see.


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

@ABHale 

lets break this down.. Yes i did sleep at his house, on the couch with my girlfriends. My husband new I was going to this party with this particular crowd. This specific man was with our group and his girlfriend at the party. Yes i did text him frequently and my husband knew this as well. He was always the one who rented the party buses, coordinated where we were all going, purchased tickets.. Every one always went through him. He would pay upfront for everyone, and by everyone i believe there about were about 12-15 PPL in our crowd. When my husband said I consistently texted this guy 3/4 days a week I believe that to not be true. There were times I texted him regarding events and upcoming things we ALL did. but it wasn't daily like its made to sound. Id go a month or so without talking to him and then when I knew everyone was getting together Id coordinate with my girls and was always informed to get in touch with Aaron. Yes we casually talked here and there but my group of friends have always been just that, friends. He had a serious girlfriend of 3 years who I know and am still currently friends with. Mind you I had been friends with this particular crowd years before I knew my husband.

This particular quote my husband may have thought, but NEVER said to me, not at this particular time period. It wasn't until after this happened that my husband felt the need to say this.
***"I told her more than once that I felt he wanted more from here than just friendship and she always assured me he did not."****


[As the party at the bar ends, her and a few girls go back to his house. She states that their designated driver had left them stranded so she had to take the ride going to his house.]

This comment above I'm going to explain; My DD (Heather)got wasted , she did not leave us stranded she was with us the entire time but unable to drive. Britt who was one of the guys girlfriends offered her place to us. I didn't think twice about it since she was a girl and a friend. When we got to the house I didn't even know it was this particulars guys house until I saw him there. He and his girlfriend left prior to us. Britt had been living with her boyfriend and I had no idea. Her boy friend was "this guys" roommate. Instead of trying to explain all of this to my current boyfriend at the time it was easier to lie. I fully knew this was wrong but I was drunk and tired. I didnt want to spend the rest of the night/morning arguing. I just wanted to sleep it off so I could get home sooner.

[That night she told me that she was at her friend Heather's apartment going to bed. Upon checking the call/text logs I see she contacted a cab company early in the morning (she wouldn't have had to do this because her car was at Heather's apartment). ] 

knowing that I felt guilty after lying I called a cab service to come get me. I didn't want to stay any longer, I knew I had done wrong and I know looking in from an outside perspective it looked like this whole story was a lie but its not. I went outside to find an address but I was in an unfamiliar neighborhood way out of my neck of the woods. I walked a block down both ways and realized I was drunk and was having a hard time remembering which house was which. I didn't want to end up locked out or walking into the wrong house so I hung up with the cab service and went back inside. I tried waking up the girls on the couch but they were way past drunk. I knocked on Britts door but there was no answer, I tried opening it but it was locked. I was stuck until I sobered p enough to locate where I was or someone woke up to take me to my car.


I have read that people have asked, " why didn't I take a cab from there?" well I didnt see a problem going to Brittanies house. We stopped and got food and went to "her house". " The place the party was at was an old warehouse/ abandoned tire shop building.. Why on earth would I want to be hanging out there alone at 3 in the morning drunk... In no way does that sound safe.


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

@ABHale My husband was very upset when he posted this. He has admitted to not thinking straight at the time. I have since talked to him regarding this and told him how all of this looks. He understands that this in fact looks worse than what the situation really was. 

Yes we were in an exclusive relationship at the time, no I did not sleep anywhere near this man as my above comment reads and explains. My husband knows deep down I did not cheat on him. He really does. We have talked about this night many times. He has confirmed the events with numerous people including the guys girlfriend who was in bed with him.

[ your husband claims you said you were at Heather's apt, not the guy he is talking about] 
I did claim to be at Heather's apartment, I openly admitted I lied about that and i told him shortly after that. 

What else are you saying is a red flag and I can totally break it down and explain the situation. Like I said I have admitted my wrong doing, I have taken accountability. In no way in my trying to get one over him or anyone. I have given him any resource he has asked , I told him he can check phone records and reach out to anyone he pleases... which he has and he has found I have been truthful.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Read the way your H wrote it out. Then look up some of the other post on here dealing with this. There are several where the WW has done what you have on that night and cheated. Red flag is anything that puts a spouse in situation where cheating could happen. Why lie about something that is innocent. You lying about where you slept started your H thinking, if nothing happened why lie about it, there fore something must have happened. To be honest, your friends could have covered for you if you did do something. 

It's the chain of events that start as a pebble and turns into a rock slide by the time it's over. And all of it for no reason. This is how trust and relationships are destroyed. If you can not be honest with the one you are with, then why are you with them. 

The biggest thing I try to do is to get people to think, to ask why. Why, if you want to save a relationship, are you destroying the foundation of it. 

I really hope you two work everything out and make it work. But ask yourselves how you allowed yourselves to get to this point. 

Set down and talk it all out. Be completely honest about everything. Grow and learn to trust in one another. Because for the things both of you have posted, neither one of you has ever completely trusted the other. No trust no relationship.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

JaSim340 said:


> @browser
> 
> I'm sorry that you feel its "wrong" for us both to be posting. We both want clarity and needed to get things off of our chest just like everyone else on this forum. I do not feel this has been counterproductive.


It's not wrong for both people to post here and it's not against the rules. It's just not as helpful, at least as far as I've seen in the past. Helpful posters almost can't help but take sides, and may be less likely to give candid advice knowing the other party will be reading it. For example I referred to your husband in..um.. less than stellar terms and I probably wouldn't have been so forthcoming knowing he was on the forum. Some may not be as quick to tell you to leave the person knowing they'll be reading that. But who knows, maybe it will work for you, just not getting why he can't post on one of the other zillion relationship forums out there just like people choose their own therapists to discuss personal matters.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

ABHale said:


> Read the way your H wrote it out. Then look up some of the other post on here dealing with this. There are several where the WW has done what you have on that night and cheated. Red flag is anything that puts a spouse in situation where cheating could happen. Why lie about something that is innocent. You lying about where you slept started your H thinking, if nothing happened why lie about it, there fore something must have happened. To be honest, your friends could have covered for you if you did do something.
> 
> It's the chain of events that start as a pebble and turns into a rock slide by the time it's over. And all of it for no reason. This is how trust and relationships are destroyed. If you can not be honest with the one you are with, then why are you with them.
> 
> ...




Hi, 

As the husband has been violent before perhaps the OP felt frightened to be honest, at this point the husband was displaying acts of jealousy so she probably thought he would blow a gasket knowing she stayed in a guys house, so she tried to cover it up.

We all know that some people who do things like this have in fact been lying to cover up cheating, but that doesn't mean everyone is lying, especially when there's domestic violence involved. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Both seeking advice on the same forum is possibly counter productive (as someone has already mentioned).

This really does sound like a lot of "he said … she said" and misandry and misogyny seems to be rife here!

Just curious - what wrong did you think you did (you said you both did wrong) ?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Well if the two of you are going to continue to post here, please put it on one thread, it's much easier to take sides that way.


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