# Need Advice - Not very sexually active -20 year marriage suffering



## Stuckinarut44 (Aug 11, 2013)

Hello Everyone,
I am new to this board and am in desperate need of advice. I really didn't know where else to turn. As anyone who has been married for a long length of time - I have much baggage but to sum up my issues now I will condense quite a bit.
My husband and I have been married 20 years and together for 25. He has some physical/mental issues that have kept him a stay home dad. (agoraphobia, PTSD, and back issues) We have always firmly believed that one of us ,needed to be home for our children. That being said our kids are 17 & 19.
When dating we were like rabbits, sex was a 3 to 6 times a day thing. When first married and setting up a household it slowed just a bit to about 2 - 4 times a day, after our first child was born and I started working full time it was once a day or every other day. Now its once every few months. He would still like it several times a day - everyday but I am not interested. I work 50 to 60 hours a week to keep us afloat and am a full time student (working towards my Masters degree). I also am care taker to my in-laws (long story there). Needless to say my husband gets cranky because I don't want sex as much as him. Lately he has been staying up late hours watching porn and masturbating. I am usually a rock hard sleeper but in the last few months I have had trouble staying asleep and wake up to him hounding over me, watching porn, and masturbating. Then he wants me to have sex. I tried to give in to him and hoped that would satisfy him - he is rough and wants to drag it out for hours and my body just cant take it (I am no spring chicken). And when we have sex, it makes him want it more and more. I have so much on me right now it is really pissing me off and I do not want to fight with him (thats why I am here). I have tried to talk to him and explain my feelings and he just gets snarky and says "if I cant have sex with my wife - why are we married"? Its all said in a state of arousal and he will try to wake me so I notice his arousal (several times a night) and get mad if I am tired and dismiss him.

I am really at my wits end. He is home all day, sleeps most of the day and then up running around (kids are self sufficient at this point) and by the time I get home from work, relax, eat a bit, complete studies it is usually about 11 - 12 pm and all I want is sleep (up at 5am for work).

I am getting resentful, angry, hurt and confused. If anyone has any advise or has been through this sort of situation I would be very grateful for your comments. 

(first posted in general forum - moved to appropriate forum)


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Stuckinarut44 said:


> I am getting resentful, angry, hurt and confused. If anyone has any advise or has been through this sort of situation I would be very grateful for your comments.



Let me get this straight. You work 50-60 hours in a week, go to school for your Masters, and take care of your in-laws?

The answer to your problem is staring you right in the face. Do I really need to bother to even suggest it?

And why are you taking care of your in-laws???? That is your husband's job, not yours!!!


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## Stuckinarut44 (Aug 11, 2013)

I see the answer - thats why it throws me for a loop when I get the attitude about not putting out. I love my husband and we are kind of stuck taking care of the inlaws. I don't want to and resent the heck out of it but its that or the streets - there is nobody else to do it and a LONG story behind it. I have been going to school since 99 when I started GED classes, I wanted to eventually be able to have a comfortable job and not have to kill myself to support us. 
I do not mind working - I will work no matter what. What I do mind is the lack of understanding and the way it makes me feel when my husband does his own thing and tries to pull me into it - knowing how I feel about it. Hope that makes sense.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that you see the answer. So what answer do you see?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Stuckinarut44 said:


> we are kind of stuck taking care of the inlaws. I don't want to and resent the heck out of it but its that or the streets - there is nobody else to do it


It looks like you are in the United States, is that correct? I don't know the specifics of your situation, but I'm assuming the in-laws are over 65 and collecting social security. So they can at least support themselves in a small place. If they need occasional care, there are numerous services to help with that. If they need constant care, then they should go to an assisted living facility or nursing home. I don't think they would want to be the cause of your future divorce.

BTW, what is your husband doing? I hope he's at least pulling his weight in this situation.




> What I do mind is the lack of understanding


You said you only have sex once every few months. You have to be realistic. No person with a healthy sex drive is going to be "understanding" of that under any circumstances.


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## Stuckinarut44 (Aug 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You say that you see the answer. So what answer do you see?


Well, its not just one answer. As I said there is a lot of baggage with this relationship. 

Therapy would be a good start, and boundary setting another. And the list goes on. Leaving is not an option at this point because I love him and vowed : thru thick and thin, for better or worse, till death do us part - and believe wholeheartedly in these vows. The good of my husband outweighs the bad, this is just one issue. 

I am not naive, I realize that this is not an uncommon issue and I am a relatively strong woman. I have handled many situations in my life but am having trouble dealing with this. :scratchhead:

I guess that is why I am here, to try to look at other perspective, and advice to see where that will compare with my own. I am a bit insecure, I am not a young woman any longer, grown older, fatter and being exhausted the majority of the time makes me feel totally useless - so I suppose in some ways I look to see if something I am doing is to blame?


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## Stuckinarut44 (Aug 11, 2013)

Theseus said:


> It looks like you are in the United States, is that correct? I don't know the specifics of your situation, but I'm assuming the in-laws are over 65 and collecting social security. So they can at least support themselves in a small place. If they need occasional care, there are numerous services to help with that. If they need constant care, then they should go to an assisted living facility or nursing home. I don't think they would want to be the cause of your future divorce.
> 
> Yes - I am in Washington State. I have my mother in law - who has the mind of a teenager, no concept of money, totally dependent - lost her husband a couple years ago - she gets soc. sec. but not enough to live on her own or be in assisted living. Then my husbands younger brother who is going through a mess of his own & has no where else to go
> 
> ...


I have some health issues, and I feel spent when I finally wind down each evening. I know we need more time to ourselves and that is part of the issue.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It seems that for a long time, you both have sacrificed your marriage and put it on the back burner. Now there's resentments and frustrations, and the intimacy gap is a bigger issue. Is counselling an option? Is your husband doing any counselling for his issues?

C


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## Stuckinarut44 (Aug 11, 2013)

PBear said:


> It seems that for a long time, you both have sacrificed your marriage and put it on the back burner. Now there's resentments and frustrations, and the intimacy gap is a bigger issue. Is counselling an option? Is your husband doing any counselling for his issues?
> 
> C



My husband will not go to counseling -but I may. I think it would help me and hopefully in turn help him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stuckinarut44 said:


> My husband will not go to counseling -but I may. I think it would help me and hopefully in turn help him.


So his reasons for not working is PTSD and agoraphobia, but he won't get counselling to get help? That would be a deal-breaker for me, right off the bat. As is the fact that you're having to take care of his mom, as well as work...

Personally, I'm not seeing what you're getting out of this relationship aside from two more dependants to take care of... Sex issues aside...

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PBear said:


> So his reasons for not working is PTSD and agoraphobia, but he won't get counselling to get help? That would be a deal-breaker for me, right off the bat. As is the fact that you're having to take care of his mom, as well as work...
> 
> Personally, I'm not seeing what you're getting out of this relationship aside from two more dependants to take care of... Sex issues aside...
> 
> C


I agree. A person who has a problem but refuses to seek help to get better is using the problem as an excuse.


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