# Don't know if I can go back to H?



## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

I am hoping to make some sense of the following situation in that I think my estranged H is playing games. Your thoughts would be appreciated.

I left my H back in september 2011 after suffering domestic abuse from him, verbal and emotional. When we first met he was lovely and kind but not over the top and we seemed to get on great or so i thought.

We married after nearly 2years and within less than a month he began the whole, love hate thing, silent treatment, violent out bursts over the slightest thing. He also lied about a number of things.... which really did get to me a lot.
He had passwords on all his emails, mobile phone, computer. Kept his mobile very close to him, would leave the room to take a call....of course I was the one who had the problem with this and secrecy. I believe he did all this to try and invalidate and attack my self esteem.
He constantly criticised my every move. The slightest thing set him into a rage. His anger was always just below the surface.
Then in between these crazy times he was loving and caring so I was completely confused with the wierd behaviour. Of course it was all my fault and everybody else's....never his. Denied the verbal assaults and the punching and kicking whilst he was supposedly asleep. 
Things got so bad and I mean really bad that he scared the life out of me. I had never seen a man scream like that ever when he was angry.
So after 2years of it I left and had no intention of going back.
To cut a long story short he wants me to go back to him, I told him that I would not even consider it unless he got help for his BPD traits(doctor daughter told me about this last year). Also his dependence on alcohol.... He was always in a very bad mood the morning after drinking. Of course, again, it was me who was in the bad mood....every single thing he twisted around so that I was to blame.
He can be overly nice, manipulative, nasty, sarcastic, all in the space of 10minutes.
He has very recently had 3 weekly counselling sessions and has now stopped. Meanwhile I have had 6months marriage counselling on my own to cope with the abuse I suffered. He refused to go.

Eventually we had agreed to have private marriage counselling together but at the last minute(last week) he pulled out saying it would do neither of us any good because he did not want to talk about our marriage and it would do neither of us any good.
He has controlled everything financial, no joint account, lied about important stuff to do with the business.

3weeks ago I looked after the business for 10days(did a great job) until the day before he came home one of his ex's he befriended on facebook(I was not accepted as a friend on facebook by him)... sent him some text msgs on the business mobile.... Of course it was not his fault she contacted him, and I must understand he was not responsible.... yeah right!! He refused to tell this woman that we were married.
But I checked back through the phone records and found that he had called her.... He had got rid of the phone records for the months of september to December. He called her New Years Eve. We had been talking about reconciliation since mid november. Christmas Eve we went out for a meal and then went to Midnight Mass, he stayed at my house and left Christmas morning. He was supposed to pick me up Boxing Day afternoon but called me minutes before he was due to arrive to say he had made other plans with his family. When I told him that he was being a bit selfish he then gave me a load of verbal abuse swearing and cursing down the phone. He did not speak to me for another week, ignored my calls and basically ruined my Christmas and New Year.

He told people that I am mentally ill and made sure all his friends think I am some sort of nut job!

He wants me to move back in because he loves me and thinks I am the most kindest loving person and wonderful wife... yet last week he was telling me that I hate everybody.... projecting his hatred of people on to me.
My gut feeling is that he cannot be honest with me and certainly cannot be trusted.
I am sorry if this story is mixed up but so am I...!!
Thanks for listening.


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

The sad reality is your story sounds very similiar to many other sad tales...including my own. I was faced with a similiar choice about 6 weeks ago. I won't go into details, my ex is not your ex, but on an emotional level they are in the same place with the verbal abuse and shifts between "I love you and can't live without you" and "you're a horrible person and the cause of all my misery" (oh and btw, mine also claimed I "hate everybody" and that he's "never known anyone to be so hateful" as I am...maybe we did marry the same guy?  ) etc etc. And he came to me with a great song and dance about how he was willing to do almost anything I asked to work things out, and he would wait for me if I asked or anything. He even sort of half heartedly acknowledged that maybe he had a hand in all this falling apart.

But while I wanted to believe him very badly, I knew in my gut and my heart and my head that he was just manipulating me. I think that probably this is what your guy is doing to you, but of course I cannot know for certain. You really have to ask yourself if you honestly, in your gut, believe what he is telling you. Do you really think if he and you get back together, things will be different? Do you think he has accepted the blame for this, and will seriously get help for himself? Do you think he selflessly loves you, and thinks you are wonderful? 

If you are answering yes to these questions, you should ask yourself if that is reality, or what you want to believe. Because this guy doesn't sound like he has changed, or recognized that he needs to change. This guy sounds like he will only hurt you.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

i agree with silver he will just hurt you again- people can change but only if they want to and sounds like hes not willing to put in the effort.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

Hi SilverPanther
Thankyou for writing back... You are absolutely correct in everything you say.... My gut feeling is that is he has not finished punishing me yet... He is extremely selfish and I don't think he is capable of loving in a selfless way. I know he hasn't changed or recognises that he needs to change. I am keeping my distance from him. Thank you again for your response. Take care and hope things improve for you too.


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## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

Thank you Unsure78. That's about it. He does not want to put in the effort. He wants me to do all the work as usual.
I started the business for him, fixed up his house he had lived in for 40years, so I could sell it to get a bungalow.... He was very happy then when it all worked out for him. Now he has what he wants with his new lovely home, he justs wants the housekeeper back to keep it ship shape!! 
Thanks for your reply, it is much appreciated.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

he's abusive and you managed to get away - please don't go back, you deserve better! x


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## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

Hi Dollystanford... thank you for your reply...you are absolutely right and I have had moments of weakness where I have thought of going back but his actions over the past couple of weeks have proved to me that I am right to stay away.... Been NC for a week... I refuse to answer his calls and switched off my mobile... I think I've gone deaf..LOL Peace at last!!


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If he's been spinning tales about what a crazy person you are, then he is NOT owning up to his own actions. He is hiding the not-so-ex gf from you and has recently verbally abused you to cover up for his secrets. Do not reconcile until he shows you change, even if you want to do so. He isn't treating you with respect. If you accept him back now you are sending the message that it's okay with you if he disrespects you. I'm not saying you should run from him just because he has BPD traits, but people that have them will exploit every weakness and so if you stay with him, you must show none....meaning zero tolerance for deceit and disrespect.


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