# Newly Separated... Again!



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

On December 6th. of 2009, my wife moved out. She had only told me that this was going to move out about four days earlier. This is the second time that she has moved out in two years. I've tried to be understanding and just roll with the punches, but it's always easier said than done.

Although she lives about 5 minutes up the road, it's like we are miles if not towns apart. She had mentioned to me that she does not want a divorce and that she only needs time so that she can "find herself." So here we are, amid this time of economic uncertainty, living in two separate homes. 

She has asked me if she could spend the night with me once and that was it. She treats me as if we had only come into each other's lives about a week ago. I live in our home with my children from a previous marriage. 

It gets more and more lonely everyday. I have no clue as to if she will return or not. She doesn't give me any answers to any of the questions that I've asked. She either shrugs her shoulders or just says that she doesn't know. I've asked her if she felt that moving out was the right thing to do, and her reply was, "I don't know." I'm lost, confused, and lonely. I have no idea where this so-called "relationship" is going... or if it is going anywhere. I'm afraid that by the time that I figure it out, time and opportunities for me to move on will have passed.

I know that no one here knows me, and only one side of the story is presented. I have spent time reading so many posts by others and I don't feel so alone anymore when it comes to my issues. In fact, there are so many who are going through almost an identical situation as I am.

One of the things that really get to me... is when a woman just wants to get up and leave, it's always justified. When a man does it, then more than likely, there must be another woman involved somewhere. It's my belief that it doesn't matter which sex just decides one day to just up and leave. If you don't see the downfall of your relationship on the horizon and "D" Day hits... the pain is still the same.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

No...MANY women who get up a leave are NOT justified! Many women are JUST like the men who do the same. 

Watch out for another man. He may be lurking.

If she would do this twice then I would have a hard time "waiting."

Work on some positive things for yourself. I would not contact her for any reason other than mutual business.

Not sure how long I would wait but it wouldn't be 6 months!


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

I sincerely appreciate your words. My wife has a problem in listening to her mother. Her mother was never pleased with us getting married. We've dated for 8 years and then we have/had been married for 8 years. She and her mother are very close. Her mother calls her everyday between 7:30 - 8:00 am. My mother-in-law has been able to get in the middle of my marriage and she is finally happy that she has been successful.

No matter how hard I have tired to have my wife turn towards me and stop glancing at her mother, her love for me was never going to allow me to have the type of relationship that we could have had.

Her mother has been married and divorced 7 times. In her current marriage, she has a man who has a lot of money. So she is taken care of and she has no shame in her game in putting a bug in my wife's ear to have her walk away from our marriage. It was my mother-in-law who opened up her check book to finance my wife's departure.

Some days, I'm lost... and other days, I am just existing. She left right after Thanksgiving, so the holidays were really tough on the kids. Every year for 16 years... my wife and I would welcome in the new year. That didn't happen for 2010. The changes are too much too fast.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's so difficult when things happen out of the blue and so fast...especially during the holidays.

You wife sounds like she is an immature woman. Listening to her mother is fine as long as it's solid, healthy advice. It doesn't sound like it.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

What your wife is doing - it isn't justified - 
it is hurtful and yes I agree with CW - immature 
I think it is time for you to start setting the agenda -
I have come to despise it when spouses leave and then say to their left spouse that they are confused -
they have not been so confused that they haevn't been able to organise themselves to find somewhere to live and move on with their life...
I let my H tell me he was confused for 6 months - it was torture -
try and start living your life as though she isn't coming back and you are single 
it hurts like hell but nothing you can say will bring her back - 
she has to become unconfused ....


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Dreaded_Soulja said:


> I sincerely appreciate your words. My wife has a problem in listening to her mother. Her mother was never pleased with us getting married. We've dated for 8 years and then we have/had been married for 8 years. She and her mother are very close. Her mother calls her everyday between 7:30 - 8:00 am. My mother-in-law has been able to get in the middle of my marriage and she is finally happy that she has been successful.
> 
> No matter how hard I have tired to have my wife turn towards me and stop glancing at her mother, her love for me was never going to allow me to have the type of relationship that we could have had.
> 
> ...


Hi There,

My wife is very close to her mom and also does what her mom says. When we moved to the North West from California my wife asked to move back within three months which we could not do and she turned on me. Her mother also paid for her to get a divorce attorney while the whole time telling me that she was going to help fix things. My wifes mother has been married and divorced four times now, the current husband she found in bed with another women and still did not divorce him because he has money. Your wife is acting just like mine and I have no reason for it except she is selfish and listens to her mom. Even though it ruined a beautiful family and hurt me and the kids. She is responsible for tearing us up and I think she actually enjoys the sense of power of doing it. No remorse, no care, no trying to work it out. Even though my son barely speaks to her she does not care. I feel for you and I am sorry you are going through this. I wish I knew how people can break up after 8,15 ,30 years and act like its no big deal. I am completely mentally drained with it.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

I have read over a good amount of postings here on this forum and it just seems that everyone is experiencing some of the exact issues just under slightly different circumstances and environments. Nevertheless, the results are the same. I find great comfort in knowing that my issue is not unique. Thank you to everyone who have read my plight and even more to those who have commented back. Your words have given me strength and have also restored just a tiny bit of my sanity.

Knortoh, I have said the very same thing that you have stated, in where our spouses or significant others mention that they are confused, and yet, they can find the energy and can be lucid enough in their minds to find another place to live and prepare to move out. That is one thing that was also a huge smack in the face. It's all premeditated! How can you tell someone that you love them and sleep beside them, and then tell them, "I'm leaving in three days."? 

Sportsman, you and I are obviously encountering the same type of affliction. I feel your pain most since it is most in common to my own. My mother-in-law knew that her husband was cheating on her as well, and yet... continued to stay with her husband. She was aware of his activities because he uses Viagra. She would pick up his prescription for him and count the pills. Whenever she was feeling in the mood she would get his pill for him and she knew that he was missing some even though they weren't intimate during that time. And still, she remains with this individual. My mother-in-law claims to be a spiritual woman... always attending church and claiming to do God's will as well as being a righteous Christian. I'm not too deeply religious of a man, but I have my faith as well. My question was, that if she is such a servant of God and is always the first to bring up what is right and wrong... then explain to me in where the Bible states that no man shall separate what God has brought together? The levels and amount of hypocrisy run deep.

Yes, my wife does seem to be extremely immature at this point. Her actions have clearly set my mind on a different path as in how I feel about marriage. From what I have noticed in with everyone here who is suffering this knife stabbing pain in the chest, is that the other party has not been communicating in the relationship. Communication is a vital part of everyday life and even more so when two people are supposed to be united in marriage. Usually, they want to communicate as they are walking out the door, have already filed the divorce papers, just pick up and leave with a note expressing their thoughts, or tell you that they have found a place and they are moving out within a certain time frame.

How do you know if there is a problem if nothing is talked about? If the communication was there and my wife still wanted to leave, then I could deal with that better because there wouldn't be any confusion and I would have a better idea as to what is going on to cause the separation. I understand that we are all human and mistakes are made. I can live with that. But to be so covert in their feelings and actions is what causes the distrust and pain. 

Forgetting would be much easier and so less painful. I choose not to forget, because if I forget the pain, then I am doomed to repeat whatever it was that put me in this situation in the first place.


----------



## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

If you have a few days see my thread. My wife like yours was lost and still is. She tried to run and find herself. Blamed me for not allowing her. It was all bs. There was no other man so don't think always there must be. The best thing you can do is give her space age will realize her errors. If she goes down the road with another man then it was all bs
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

LH, oh I am going to giver her the time that she needs in order to find herself. Although I do wish that she did this before she had said "I do." But hey... what can any of us do? I'm just trying to cope with this situation as best I can.

For the time being, we are amicable towards each other. It's just really strange in that she acts like we've met about a year ago. She has known me since I was 15 years old (I'm 40 at the time of this posting). I am a little older than she is. It's just really weird. Kinda like I'm living an episode of the Twilight Zone.

Since this is the second time that she has left, all I can do is wonder if things improve and she comes back home will she leave again? This time she was more comfortable than the first. So I am only guessing that it is getting easier for her as time goes on.

I'm not getting any younger, and everyday it is getting just a little easier for me to go on without her. I love her so very much, but that is not something that she is able to understand right now. I do miss her more than I can say, but I will not tell her that. I am done expressing myself to her because I have no clue as to where it is going to lead me. It is clear to me that my love for her wasn't strong enough to stop her from walking out of the door. So in my honest opinion, it just doesn't make sense to keep harping on my feelings towards her.

I'm making adjustments and I am taking it one day at a time. The year is fresh and new. I have to start the same.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

DS - when someone decides to withdraw their communication until they leave it is so hurtful....this is so common - one partner wanting and willing to communicate the other literally closing down all lines of communcation - it is a very powerful position they take - 

My H left and came back and left again - but for me it was worse the 2nd time - not better -
( I mean I fell apart worse)

I love your logic -
it doesn't make any sense to keep on harping about your feelings toward her -

logic is good in these situations -

stay clear - even with your broken heart


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

knortoh, thank you. I'm just trying to keep my head above water like the rest of us. After awhile, trying to make sense out of this is just too time consuming. I actually believe that they already know what it is that they want. When the smoke clears, we will have moved forward and they will be standing right where we've left them.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

DA, You know I agree about that - we are forced to move on - 
on better days I feel my life expanding out around me like a fan - I find that I can think about exciting possibilities for the future - and this entertains my brain far more than thinking about him 

and i look at him and I sense that he is narrowing his life and his options.....


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Today is the four week mark for me since my wife had moved out. The house is quiet, the kids are still resting in their beds. My dog is laying in the doorway of my room, and I am going over in my mind as to how I am going to work to make this year a better year.

Life goes on. It has to... I don't have much of a choice. Sometimes, I get the urge to call her up and just talk with her on the phone, and then something tells me not to. It's a tricky situation. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If I call and get all chatty with her, then it can come back as me not giving her the time that she needs. If I don't, then it could been taken as I really don't care and that I have moved on. 

Well, in a number of ways, I had to move on. Life is dynamic... not static. She has placed me in a situation in where I've had to move on. I don't see why that should be a concern to her... she's moved on. She's moved on and out. Her mother made sure that this situation was going to happen.

As I sit at my desk and in front of my computer reading over the many posts by so many others, I feel a kinship with people here. I have read posts of people who are married and still working through their issues together as husband and wife. I ask myself how they do it. How do they find that middle ground to keep those lines of communication open... how do they look into each other's eyes and say, "I love you" and actually mean it? How is it that they find the strength to weather the storms and sail their ship to calmer seas? I admire these couples. I hope and pray that they continue to prosper and that they don't have to feel the pain that those of us who aren't so fortunate.

Years ago, when couples got married... they were together until death. Marriage actually meant something. Now, it seems that marriage has been cheapened and that the meaning has been lost. It's become way to easy to back out of a commitment with little care or thought. One can have a bad day, and decide, "Okay, I'm outta here!" There is no more fight or struggle to make such relationships work. Everything is disposable... including marriage.

I... like so many others here, fight and struggle to keep my head high. There is a constant pain where my heart used to be, but I find strength in the words of my newfound friends here on this board. Thank you all for your wonderful words of support and hope.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

What a beautiful post DS 
don't call her 
post here instead

only when she is ready to meet you - to look you in the eyes will the lines of communication be open

until then it is widely agreed on this forum that reaching out to them only pretty much leads to more hurt and disapointment.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thats so true DS, marriage is disposable nowdays and the attorneys and courts want it that way. Really sad situation , stay strong. I am sorry your heart is so broken. Would you take her back after the second time ?


----------



## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Dreaded_Soulja said:


> Years ago, when couples got married... they were together until death. Marriage actually meant something. Now, it seems that marriage has been cheapened and that the meaning has been lost. It's become way to easy to back out of a commitment with little care or thought. One can have a bad day, and decide, "Okay, I'm outta here!" There is no more fight or struggle to make such relationships work. Everything is disposable... including marriage.


Sad isn't it? But true. I never dreamed I would be in the position I am in now, never thought it would happen to me, but life happened and everything just got in the way and people are so ready to throw in the towel so quickly and where does the leave us? We're the people that want to pick up the pieces that want it to work b/c some people actually believe in marriage, yet know it's almost a game. Do this don't do this. Say that maybe they will come back. etc, etc. 

Somedays it feels like their are very few options for such a hard time as this.

Keep your head up. Maybe that's really the only option.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Thats so true DS, marriage is disposable nowdays and the attorneys and courts want it that way. Really sad situation , stay strong. I am sorry your heart is so broken. Would you take her back after the second time ?


Notaclue, that is a great question, but I have to say honestly... I do not know. While she's off "finding herself", this has given me a lot of time to think. I have been pondering that if we do get to share a home again... there has to be some counseling. She needs to work out some issues within herself for when it comes to relationships. 

I have to consider all options, after all, there are kids involved. That's not to say that I would throw myself into the fire just because of my kids and go through this a third time... but there would be a lot of things to discuss.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

I had a thought a few years back while watching the NFL on ESPN. I came up with the idea that marriage should be like a sports contract. You can sign up for 3-5 years and at the end of three years, you can have an out clause if certain standards haven't been met. If you chose not to opt out, you can chose to go the rest of the contract but it's going to be loaded with incentives.

Just before the five years are up, you can either resign under a new contract or you can go into free agency. Lawyers will really try to get marriages to stay together then... especially if the marriage contract is loaded with incentives.

This way, we all know what we're getting into and there will be contractual obligations. Lawyers have made marriages a business, we might as well have them earn their keep!


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

After reading so many posts and replies the last few days, I thought that I would try something bold and daring. It would be against all the rules, but a huge gamble.

I called my wife this morning, and told her that I had a question for her. She had just got out of bed, so I said to her that when she was awake, we could talk about it then. She called me back and she had asked me what the question was. So now, my heart begins to race, and I had almost forgot what the question was that I was going to ask. Finally, I was able to get out the question. I had asked her if she loved me, but not in love with me. She thought about it for a quick second, but it seemed like ten minutes on my end.

She had told me that she loves me and that she is still in love with me. This was one of her deepest questions and she needed time away to find the answer for herself without me being in her "everyday" life. 

I did tell her that I am not asking for her to come home anytime soon and that she needs to take all the time that she needs. I even told her that I am not sure if she would even come back home, and if not, then that is okay also. 

I've come to terms with all of this. I'm not going to shed another tear over my situation. There are other victims besides myself. I love my wife deeply, but I am also aware of the fact that I am not the one who left and who did not communicate. I didn't leave her... she left me. And she left me over insecurities that she had in her head and failed to communicate them to me, but gladly shared them with her mother. 

This is 2010. It's time for me to play hard ball and move on with... or without her. Either way, I plan to survive.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well DS,that sounds to me like there is some hope down the road for you and your wife. I guess you need to get to the bottom of why she leaves you and try to deal with those issues. You cetrtainly don't want to get back together and have her walk out in another 6 or 9 months..... At any rate I know from reading your well reasoned posts that you will make the right decision. Good Luck !


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

DS

Glad to hear you have came to terms with this... I hope to be there soon. 

We have to look out for ourselves, as now there is no one there to look out for us.... which may be a blessing in disguise..


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> DS
> 
> Glad to hear you have came to terms with this... I hope to be there soon.
> 
> We have to look out for ourselves, as now there is no one there to look out for us.... which may be a blessing in disguise..


Thank you Notaclue and c_c... I didn't have much of choice but to come to terms with my situation. I could either be the victim or be the victor. I choose the latter.

There are so many stories here and the pain is deep and real. What we are going through is clearly beyond words, but the feelings are more than serious. There is so much advice by so many people here. Everyone here is qualified to share and to advise someone else about these situations.

Everyone on this board and within this group care enough about the other person... a complete stranger, enough to offer some positive words and to offer a welcoming hand. Like I've said before, I have found some strength in the words that were given to me and from what I have read that was meant for others. I'm finding some peace and it has to start with me.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

How was your day DS ? Hope things are getting better for you.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

DS: You are a smart man. Giving her space and realizing that her conclusion may not be what you want.

It's a positive sign that she still has feelings for you.

The fact that you are reevaluating how you want the relationship to be treated...if she comes back is also smart.

No need in repeating the same behavior, as anothe poster said, down the line. MC is a must. Also she must be willing to commit to working on the relationship 100%.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> How was your day DS ? Hope things are getting better for you.


Hey there Notaclue, I'm doing okay. It's just another day in paradise. I still have my good days and my bad days, but all in all, I am taking the steps needed to feel good about myself look forward to better things. 

I was hit with some horrible news the other day and it had me thinking. I am a professional gourmet chef. I went to culinary school and met a wonderful friend. She and I were like peas and carrots (Forrest Gump terminology). She was always like a baby sister to me. She is much younger than I am, but she was a good driving force to help push me through school. She was always a great friend. Well... during out externships, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's been a strong fighter and she has flat lined on the table during two separate occasions. Nevertheless, after all these years we have kept in touch. She knows me so well that at times it is almost uncanny.

Well, she moved away from Florida and settled with her family in South Carolina. She wrote me a good bye letter the other day. You see... she was about to undergo surgery. They were going to put her in a coma and do whatever it is that they were going to do. So, before she she had to leave to get rest for this procedure, she and I talked about the good times that we had in culinary school. She laughed and I felt better knowing that there is some healing power in laughter. When she said that she had to go, I didn't want to let her leave, but I knew that I had to.

Her mother has been in contact with me, letting me know how she is doing... and the news isn't so good. These next 24 hours are most critical. There was some internal bleeding and they were able to catch it. So, now she is in the ICU. My friends and I pray alongside her family.

I was thinking... here it is... this 25 year old woman filled with life and so many gifts gave everything she had. Not once did she give up. God knows that she has had every reason to... and there wouldn't be a jury who could convict her if she did. She stayed a true friend to me always honoring our friendship.

When my wife left me, it's almost like she knew... and she called me to see how I was doing. She knows my wife and she was also an associate of my wife. When I've told her that my wife left me, she still found a way to give me encouragement. I didn't know that she was as sick as she was at the time. Again, she found a way to pick me up, dust me off, and set me on the path again. Now, I kinda wish that I didn't do that. I would have liked for her to have had the memory of my wife and I together enjoying the holidays as a family. Instead, she knows that I was hurting and alone.

I try to make her strength my strength. Her pain is surely greater than mine. When I think back on so many of the posts that I have read, I think to myself how selfish these spouses are... and as to how easily they gave up. There are so many others out there making the most out of everyday that they have with their families. They share, cry, and love as one. And yet, here we are able minded with our futures ahead of us, and we do this alone.

I think that everyone should be thankful for the many blessings that we have... for the family that we have left. We have to seek out the positive and the good and build off of that. We have to make the most out of everyday that we have. Time is a commodity that we don't have a lot of. Life is too short to spend it miserable and sad.

Here it is, that I was without my wife during the holidays, and here my friend is possibly celebrating her last with her family. It makes a person think... about the here and the now.

So when I am asked as to how I am doing... my reply is, I'm doing just fine... thank you.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Corpuswife said:


> DS: You are a smart man. Giving her space and realizing that her conclusion may not be what you want.
> 
> It's a positive sign that she still has feelings for you.
> 
> ...


Thank you once again CW for your warm words and compliments. I have to say that after becoming a part of this community, it has greatly helped me. I have learned to come to terms with a lot of things. It just took some group discussion to help push me over the hill. Now that I see that so many have been told the same thing as I have, and have felt the same type of pain that I have... it just made it a little easier for me to see the pattern and the actions that changes that I've needed to make.

She didn't leave me much of a choice, and I certainly wasn't going to just crawl into a ditch and die. I didn't want to make a bad situation worse, so I just thought that it would be good to give her what it is that she wanted. It just didn't make sense to fight it any longer. She wasn't going to stay, so what else could I have done?

I am happy that we are talking and being civil. That is a load off of my shoulders because the situation is difficult enough. My kids are making the most out of it and we both spend one afternoon out of the week as a family watching a movie. So this is good for everyone and helps to re-establish the lines of communication. I don't know what the future holds, but I am focused right now on what it is that I need to do.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Dreaded_Soulja said:


> Hey there Notaclue, I'm doing okay. It's just another day in paradise. I still have my good days and my bad days, but all in all, I am taking the steps needed to feel good about myself look forward to better things.
> 
> I was hit with some horrible news the other day and it had me thinking. I am a professional gourmet chef. I went to culinary school and met a wonderful friend. She and I were like peas and carrots (Forrest Gump terminology). She was always like a baby sister to me. She is much younger than I am, but she was a good driving force to help push me through school. She was always a great friend. Well... during out externships, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's been a strong fighter and she has flat lined on the table during two separate occasions. Nevertheless, after all these years we have kept in touch. She knows me so well that at times it is almost uncanny.
> 
> ...


Powerful stuff.. I am not a religious man (but i am spiritual)...your friend will be in my thoughts...and I truly hope for the best...


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

DS I love reading your posts 
thanks for sharing so many of your thoughts and reflections 
K


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

knortoh said:


> DS I love reading your posts
> thanks for sharing so many of your thoughts and reflections
> K


knortoh... Thank you very much for the warm compliments. I try to mix my words and emotions when I make my replies. I put it all out on the line. Everyone else has been so gracious in baring their souls... I feel that I am no different. It does please me that others can feel my words.

cpt_confused... I am not a religious man either, but yes, I do believe. Thank you for including her in your prayers. I will be providing an update soon. We all just need to be thankful for what we have, and make the very best out of what our situations may be. I too appreciate your words.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Hey DS, sorry to hear about your dear friend. I'm sure it's tough during a time like this. Life is too short and it's meant to be lived with love and wonder. I do believe there is something for us after we leave this earth and there is a plan. Reading your words have surely helped me in my struggles.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Hey DS, sorry to hear about your dear friend. I'm sure it's tough during a time like this. Life is too short and it's meant to be lived with love and wonder. I do believe there is something for us after we leave this earth and there is a plan. Reading your words have surely helped me in my struggles.


Notaclue... I'm always happy that I can help someone see things from a different perspective. I think that we all need to do that from time to time. 

Sometimes we are so blinded that we forget to look at the things that really are important and matter the most. In my book, those are the small things. There are so many things that we take for granted everyday. We really need to consider just how blessed we really are with what we have.

No matter what... the sun always will rise in the east. A new day is always on the horizon.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm sorry for your friends condition and hope she recovers soon.

She is quite a fighter and wish that more had it in them to fight for life and the lives of their families (marriage).

It does remind you that "life is too short." If someone doesn't want you then why would you want them to be with you?? That is something that I had to constantly remind myself...after I begged, pleaded or convinced. Gradually, I quit doing those things.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Corpuswife said:


> I'm sorry for your friends condition and hope she recovers soon.
> 
> She is quite a fighter and wish that more had it in them to fight for life and the lives of their families (marriage).
> 
> It does remind you that "life is too short." If someone doesn't want you then why would you want them to be with you?? That is something that I had to constantly remind myself...after I begged, pleaded or convinced. Gradually, I quit doing those things.


Thank you CW and others for your concerns over my friend. I had a surprise first thing on Friday morning... she called me from the ICU. She woke up from her coma and one of the first things that she did was to call me.

I swear, I wish that I had her strength. She's a fighter. She has been suffering with breast cancer for 5 years now and this was the most serious operation to date. I am most thankful that she made it through. I talk to her everyday online and by our conversation, I can tell that she is getting stronger. So everyone, once again, thank you so much.

I couldn't agree with you more CW... why beg, plead, and wear yourself out over someone who doesn't want to be with you? It only breaks you down faster when they constantly reject and turn on you. There's only so much that you can do, and you can only do as much as you can do for so long.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

DS - prayers for your friend and hope this surgery was successful.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> DS - prayers for your friend and hope this surgery was successful.


Thank you so very much Notaclue! I really hope that this surgery was what she needed to send this into remission. Thank you for all of your prayers and positive words.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I do to DS. Certainly puts things in perspective doesn't it. Your friend is fighting for her life and our spouses are acting like children and don't see the bigger picture in life.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> I do to DS. Certainly puts things in perspective doesn't it. Your friend is fighting for her life and our spouses are acting like children and don't see the bigger picture in life.


I completely agree. Sad, but very true. Small petty things seem to take over and fill the spaces where common sense and love should be. I don't need to drink poison to know that I am going to die... so why give something up only to realize that I am going to miss it?


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Wife has been sending me e-mails telling me that she is thinking about me and that she misses me. Again, the confusion continues with me when she says these things being that she is the one who has left.

Well, we were talking, or... rather chatting on Yahoo! Messenger online, and she was telling me that she needs to see a counselor to talk things out to. I've offered my assistance in helping her in her search. She accepted. So, things were okay and she apologized for hurting me and making me feel so bad. I've told her that I'm learning to live through it and I am just trying to make the most out of everyday that I have. She mentioned to me that she has to work out "her demons" but didn't know what those demons were. Okay... this adds even more to my confusion, but okay, I'll roll with this.

We talked for a little while and I was not emotional nor was I doing the Teddy Pendergrass "Baby, Baby, Please... I need your love" routine. I just let things be. We talked about the kids for a minute and I could tell that she wanted to talk further, but I cut the conversation. I kindly told her that there were a number of things that I had to do, and I also knew that we were coming up on the time for her to get ready for work and to hit the road.

Sometimes I see myself as talking to a blind person as to what the color blue looks like. It's an impossible task. She needs to find her answers on her own. Either way, I am moving forward. I cannot afford to sit motionless until she figures out what she wants. Her mother was a huge influence in getting her to move out. She never wanted to share her feelings, thoughts, or vent her frustrations to or with me. Moving out was a huge step. I guess that things may not have been as bad as her mother was directing her to think. Maybe, just maybe, if she trusted and confided in me... her husband, then we would have been able to work through these issues as husband and wife.

I'm not angry. In fact, I am not angry in the least bit. I'm many other things, but angry is not one of them. I have come to the conclusion that I will not make myself so available to her. She did that to me when we were living under the same roof and she was comfortable with it. With our current living arrangements, this should be a piece of cake.

The point that I am trying to make is that actions have consequences. I will help out when and where I can... but I'm not going to do that while on my knees either.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Awesome post! You come across as a very strong person! That is way more attractive....

You can't fix her and you realized this sooner than most.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I think the colour metaphor is a good one.
They can't see things - and we see them differently anyway.
I am too am drawing strength from your posts...
I feel like I am learning from everyone here.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Thank you very much CW and knortoh. I have just come to the conclusion that I am not going to live my life as a victim. I cannot say this enough, but time is way too short. I need to worry about the things that I can change... not about the things that I cannot change. If there is anything that I have learned over the years and from reading everyone's posts... you cannot change the other person. No matter how many tears you cry, feelings you share, or acts of love that you give... there is no changing the other person. They can only change themselves, and they are the ones who have to want it just as bad.

We are all hear because we are victims. Victims of circumstance and broken hearts. Our relationships torn, tattered, and even shredded. At some point in time, we have to pull out the sewing kit and begin the mending process. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm sure as hell not going to live like I did.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Dreaded_Soulja said:


> Thank you very much CW and knortoh. I have just come to the conclusion that I am not going to live my life as a victim. I cannot say this enough, but time is way too short. I need to worry about the things that I can change... not about the things that I cannot change. If there is anything that I have learned over the years and from reading everyone's posts... you cannot change the other person. No matter how many tears you cry, feelings you share, or acts of love that you give... there is no changing the other person. They can only change themselves, and they are the ones who have to want it just as bad.
> 
> We are all hear because we are victims. Victims of circumstance and broken hearts. Our relationships torn, tattered, and even shredded. At some point in time, we have to pull out the sewing kit and begin the mending process. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm sure as hell not going to live like I did.



Awesome post... I needed to hear that today...


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

And we move forward with honesty and conviction and no regrets....we have this on our side


----------



## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Dreaded_Soulja said:


> I didn't do anything wrong. I'm sure as hell not going to live like I did.


Right on Dreadloc soulja! Perfectly stated. 
(yes I changed your name on purpose. Drealoc Soulja from Bob himself)


----------



## lovinghimforever (Dec 14, 2009)

DS, this thread has given me such a sense of strength and I've learned so much.

I've decided to move on too and you're such an inspiration.

Thank you.

And good for you for holding your head high and weathering the storm.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Believe said:


> Right on Dreadloc soulja! Perfectly stated.
> (yes I changed your name on purpose. Drealoc Soulja from Bob himself)


Well, if it's from Bob, then who am I to disagree! LOL... thank you!!


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

lovinghimforever said:


> DS, this thread has given me such a sense of strength and I've learned so much.
> 
> I've decided to move on too and you're such an inspiration.
> 
> ...



Thank you so much for the compliment LHF. I am really happy that the words that I offer can give thought and strength. I too have learned so much from reading the posts of others. Surely, I value everyone who is within this community and their experiences.

I hold my head high and weather to storm because I wasn't given much of a choice and I am surely not going to show any signs of weakness. Thank you again.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

That's all we have DS, is our integrity and values. If our spouses don't see it or care than there is nothing we can do. I will weather this storm with grace, humility and a sense of honor. 

I will show my daughter what it is to be a good person and a better father. That's all I can do.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Notaclue said:


> That's all we have DS, is our integrity and values. If our spouses don't see it or care than there is nothing we can do. I will weather this storm with grace, humility and a sense of honor.
> 
> I will show my daughter what it is to be a good person and a better father. That's all I can do.


I am not a religious man (but I am spiritual)... but AMEN on your post!!!


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

When you really think about, what else can we do? What other road do we have to travel on? If we are to press onward, be a positive role model for our children, find a way to live everyday the best that we can, and become an example for others... then this is the only path that we can take.

We all carry the pain of a broken marriage and family, but that doesn't mean that the sun will not shine for us ever again. Sometimes in life... a little rain must fall. There are so many others who depend on us, care about us, and love us. Losing the love of one should not be the reason to turn away the love of so many others.

My kids write me letters telling me how much they love me and how we will get through this together. How can I not listen to what they are telling me and want to keep moving forward? Why would I let them down? They are victims also.

Sometimes, we cannot see the bigger picture. Sometimes we are drowning in our sorrows so much that we forget how others are also feeling. The choice to move forward is not a choice that we've freely made. It was a choice that was made for us... handed to us by the ones who we loved most... our spouse.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Dreaded_Soulja said:


> Sometimes, we cannot see the bigger picture. Sometimes we are drowning in our sorrows so much that we forget how others are also feeling. The choice to move forward is not a choice that we've freely made. It was a choice that was made for us... handed to us by the ones who we loved most... our spouse.


I agree and I'm really having a hard time seeing the bigger picture DS. Hopefully I too will be able to quit drowning in sorrow and move forward. 

It just feels like it will never happen at this point. Today I feel kind of like a car that is stuck in the mud and just spinning it's wheels.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

The weather is warmer and you can surely get out now Notaclue. This is something that you are going to have to do. Being chained to her leg isn't going to do you much good right now. Whatever it is that she is going through... you have no other choice than to let her go through it.

It's a sad thing to have happen to any family, but you can't beat yourself up all day over it. You can't let it destroy you.


----------



## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Dreaded_Soulja said:


> When you really think about, what else can we do? What other road do we have to travel on? If we are to press onward, be a positive role model for our children, find a way to live everyday the best that we can, and become an example for others... then this is the only path that we can take.
> 
> We all carry the pain of a broken marriage and family, but that doesn't mean that the sun will not shine for us ever again. Sometimes in life... a little rain must fall. There are so many others who depend on us, care about us, and love us. Losing the love of one should not be the reason to turn away the love of so many others.
> 
> ...




I have to say this is probably one of the most motivational posts I have seen on here! Thanks! It's so hard to think not all men/women are going to walk out and leave.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Thank you. Sometimes, you just have to really look deep and see a situation for what it really is and be honest with yourself about it.


----------



## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Hey DS-

I know others have said this quite a few times, but I wanted to say also that your words give hope and show that we can achieve life after this.

I have been separated for almost a year now and regardless of everything that has happened, that did happen in the marriage I was still holding out hope. For what? Is it even really something that I want? Or was it simply b/c I was scared that that relationship was all I would ever have? 

Your words are so spot on when you say we can't always see the bigger picture. We can't, your right. Because maybe if I could/did see the bigger picture, maybe if you could or others on here, we would be very thankful for the pain we are going through now rather than an even worse disaster later, who's to know?

Thanks again for your words. And while it is still tough, there is always hope.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Ash22 said:


> Hey DS-
> 
> I know others have said this quite a few times, but I wanted to say also that your words give hope and show that we can achieve life after this.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much Ash. I can't thank you and everyone else enough. I am truly humbled.

When my wife left me the first time, for whatever reason... it was like someone yanked my spine right out of my back. When she came back, we never really discussed things. I thought that we could move forward by moving from where we lived to a nicer neighborhood and home. All that did was mask the root of the problem (and I still do not even know what that is).

This last time my wife left, I was hurt and numb at the same time. After about two weeks of feeling like total crap and useless, I started seeing things in a different light. I haven't looked back since. So I am really happy when I can offer a perspective or viewpoint that can help others.

After all... that's what we are all here for isn't it? To find others who can relate and to share a word of encouragement. Hopefully make a friend or two along the way.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

DS - how are things? Haven't heard from you in a while....


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> DS - how are things? Haven't heard from you in a while....


Things are okay... thank you. There are a large number of Haitians arriving here in my area, and I have been helping out with the evacuees. I'm telling you... the devastation is clearly on their faces. Makes you really think about how fortunate we have it and how we need to make the most out of everyday. 

I will be making a trip to Haiti for about 2 days soon. Things are about to get interesting.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Good luck DS, hope everything is OK with you and your trip to Haiti. The devastation is just horrible and the suffering is beyond description. I'll be praying for you.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

DS - Be careful when you go to haiti - you will be in my thoughts...
Bure sure to drop a line to let us know you made it back safe..


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

ds we'll be thinking of you


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Thank you all for keeping me in your prayers. I'm going to need them. The good people of Haiti need them more. So, I am sincerely thankful for your positive energy and taking my safety into consideration.

As I go from day to day, seeing things in a different light... I thought that I would share these things with my wife. I sat down one night and put together a rather lengthy email for her. I let her know that although I love her very much, I am okay with the choice if she doesn't decide to ever come back home. I no longer have the strength to sit here and feel sorry for myself and worry about whether or not she will ever love me like she did in years past. It just takes too much of my energy. I want for her to find the therapy that she needs and I do assist her in locating a counselor.

Make no mistake about it, I love my wife very much. I love my wife as much as anyone else here in this community loves their spouse. It's just that I cannot let anymore of my life be placed on hold. Maybe it's because of my friend surviving her operation with breast cancer, maybe it's due to the horrific images that we have all seen from the recent events in Haiti... all I know is that if I'm not living, then I'm dying. There's still a lot of life left to live. 

My wife has been communicating with me a lot more than she has in the past. I think that some of that is because I have given her the space that she needs and I have not been holding onto her shirt tales trying to get her to look my way. Everything happens for a reason, and maybe this is for the best. She's been able to identify some deep down issues that she has with herself (many of them have developed from some events in her childhood), and she has been able to fully address her anger issues. She is getting the help that she needs and she has taken some pretty big steps. If the day comes where she wants to come back home, then that is another conversation that we can discuss. Right now, I want for her to get all the help that she needs to be able to handle herself.

I'll say that things are much better than what they were a month or so ago, but I've had to make changes also. I've had to learn to deal with myself and I've had nothing but time to reflect on issues that we never took the time to discuss. The both of us just took whatever it was that was bothering us and tucked it away somewhere. After awhile, after not addressing our issues, negative thoughts took over and the silence got deeper.

Sometimes, there are things that are beyond us that we may have to consider. We don't always see or remember what remains in the past, but those things surely seem to find a way to resurface years later. Sometimes... there's just nothing that we can do. It doesn't matter how hard we try... sometimes... our best just isn't good enough. The pain is real, and the thoughts of, "what if" will always persist. As much as it doesn't makes sense... sometimes, the answer is... there really isn't an answer.

No matter what, all we can do is just be the best that we can day in and day out and let the dust settle all on its own.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

DS another great post from you -
and we know it's the truth cause it is hitting right home -
I feel happy that the world has you in it !


----------



## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

I agree with knort! What a great post, so much truth!


----------



## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

When people say they want to leave to "find themself" what does that mean exactly? It would seem to me that when you decide to marry somebody, you would want to be WITH them, not away from them for some self discovery issue.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

HappyAtLast said:


> When people say they want to leave to "find themself" what does that mean exactly? It would seem to me that when you decide to marry somebody, you would want to be WITH them, not away from them for some self discovery issue.


I've been asking myself that very same question. The statement is just as confusing to us as it is to them. Although, in some ways, they seems to find that it justifies the reason for them wanting to head out the door.

From what I have seen... that statement is usually tied into some deep personal insecurities that our spouses may have. Everything bothers them, their self esteem is low, they don't have the confidence that they have lead others to believe had existed, and the list goes on. The shut down and blame themselves and those close to them for their lack of personal faith.

I haven't quite put my finger on it, but so far... that's all I was able to come up with. I'm sure if you asked 100 people who have said this, you would get 100 different answers.


----------



## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Wonderful Posts! 
I wish you a safe trip and bless you for what you are doing to help out. Your positive energy alone will make a difference in all of those that you encounter there. Can't wait to hear about the trip when you return.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Bring that positive energy to the Haitian people! I love your confidence and poise. I can see it through your words!

God Bless.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks everyone for your positive thoughts, blessings, and wonderful words. I am here in Haiti and the weather right now is like a spring day back home in Florida. Thank goodness I have a MacBook!! It's hard to find a good WiFi signal anywhere, but I'm crafty, so I was able to find one.

Port-Au-Prince is beyond the imagination. I've been to some war torn nations before, but this is not like what I have experienced. The people have been wonderful for the most part... everyone is hungry and in need of water. I've given away three of my bottled waters to some of the children that I've seen walking around. There are pockets of violence in and around the city, so I am carrying a full 9mm handgun with me for my own personal safety. Actually, there are a lot of us carrying our own weapons! I'm a nice guy and all... but not an idiot.

I should be leaving here tomorrow morning and heading back home to the Orlando area. I am really happy that I am able to do something in helping the crews and teams here on the ground trying to find survivors and to make sure that the residents have food, water, and some type of shelter. There's a lot of work that needs to be done here.

This experience really has me thinking about what is important and just how fortunate we really are. My problems seem so tiny in comparison to what these residents are going through.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Glad to hear you are safe DS. Keep up the good work and let us know when you get back to Orlando safe and sound. God Bless !


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

DS: It puts our lives in perspective doesn't it? You are correct at how insignificant our problems are....

God Bless.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Corpuswife said:


> DS: It puts our lives in perspective doesn't it? You are correct at how insignificant our problems are....
> 
> God Bless.


Thank you very much CW. Sometimes, the images on TV do not do a certain situation justice. Well, what I've just seen and experiences... this is surely one of those times. I'm thankful to be back and if anything, a little wiser.

During my time away, although short, it gave my wife some more time to think. We talked today for 4 hours. We haven't done that in quite awhile. So, although our issues were not resolved in one day, it felt good to be able to get some of the family business, feelings, and other things placed out on the table. Rome wasn't built in a day... but at least there is some communication starting to blossom.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

DS sounds like you are making progress with your wife and you guys are communicating. That's a great sign !!


----------



## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Hey Mr.Dread Locs. 
How is everything going? I see it's been awhile since you last posted. I was off the board for a couple of weeks myself. 
Hope all is well with you.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Hello world... I am back. I needed to take a much needed rest from here and concentrate a little on myself and put some plans and thoughts together for my future.

I needed to focus a little more with the help of some positive thinking and believing in my abilities to carry on without my spouse.

The drama continues, but I am stronger and feeling at ease and have found a peace that has been within me... it's just that I have forgotten on how to call upon it.

I'll be posting again soon. Thanks everyone... and thank you Believe!


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Great to see you back!! Keep in touch...

Capt..


----------

