# How do you know you are an emotional abuser?



## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

I am still grasping with this new term of emotional abuse and it seems like the definitions can be very broad and used in different ways?

How can you know yourself if you are an emotional abuser? How can you be labeled as one?

What if you are categoriezed as one but you feel like you are the victim?

It seems like the accuser and the accused can go both ways with their ideas on the situation.

Other than therapy are there any other ways to come to grips with the possibility of being one.

I seem so confused in comparison to my relationships? Please help provide some insight ?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

njpca said:


> I am still grasping with this new term of emotional abuse and it seems like the definitions can be very broad and used in different ways?


I really don't understand several of your questions but generally, the definitions I found were much the same. I would link you to a site that defines it, but I think if you google the term you will get a lot of sites to help with your confusion.



njpca said:


> How can you know yourself if you are an emotional abuser? How can you be labeled as one?


I expect you know if you are deliberately being mean to someone or putting them down, calling them names, and so on (included in the description you will find when looking up the term). I don't imagine anyone will call themselves an emotional abuser, but they do recognize what they are doing and saying.



njpca said:


> What if you are categoriezed as one but you feel like you are the victim?


The two terms, emotional abuser and victim, are mutually exclusive. You can be an abuser and also be abused. In fact, most people who are/were abused do themselves become abusive. It is very often a never-ending and vicious cycle.



njpca said:


> It seems like the accuser and the accused can go both ways with their ideas on the situation.


I don't know what you mean by this. Please explain.



njpca said:


> Other than therapy are there any other ways to come to grips with the possibility of being one.


Yes, you can look it up and do some research on the subject and examine yourself and your behaviors. Weigh those against the information you learned, and then stop being abusive. Mostly, people need therapy to understand why they abuse and to learn the tools and skills it takes to stop abusing.



njpca said:


> I seem so confused in comparison to my relationships? Please help provide some insight ?


I don't understand this statement either. Please explain.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree with River that emotional abusers (and all abusers) know exactly what they are doing. They are very aware and in fact, what they dole out is very calculated.



njpca said:


> Other than therapy are there any other ways to come to grips with the possibility of being one.


The only way an abuser can change is owning, in fact, that he/she is an abuser. And therein lies the problem...because most of them don't think what they are doing is wrong and hardly ever own what they do. They deflect the blame everywhere but on themselves. They feel totally entitled to act the way that they do.


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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

But what about who use that term to their advantage? How can you know come to terms with being the abuser if you actually feel like the abused?

Rivers, I think what I am trying to say is that it seems like this term is really to throw around as an easy excuse to the more complicated things that could be occurring in a situation.

It just seems like there can be a lot of confusion in how that term can be used. It's like there's certain parties that can agree with definition while others will disagree

I could be just as confused about it in general, so I'm sorry if none of this really makes sense.

Does anyone have good resources on the internet to learn more?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

When you don't care enough to ask this question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

Look up the term "Emotional Bully." It will help you a lot. There was a man who posted 2 articles about this months ago on this site and they were great. It was in the "Men's Clubhouse" section. Good luck!


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

I mean you can "google this term as well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NJ...did someone say you are emotionally abusive?

_*Emotional abuse: It’s a bigger problem than you think*When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.

*Understanding emotional abuse*

The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want. 

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so. 

*
Violent and abusive behavior is the abuser’s choice*

Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you. 

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:
Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession. 
Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless. 
Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. 
Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services. 
Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences. 
Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault. _Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

njpca said:


> But what about who use that term to their advantage? How can you know come to terms with being the abuser if you actually feel like the abused?
> 
> Rivers, I think what I am trying to say is that it seems like this term is really to throw around as an easy excuse to the more complicated things that could be occurring in a situation.
> 
> ...


This post and your first post both sound to me that someone calls you emotionally abusive, but you refuse to believe them. Actually, that is typical of abusers, just like Jellybeans told you. You keep deflecting blame and claiming to be the victim, despite what they say that you are abusive. 

So, according to you....

a. They are abusive and you are the one who is abused. 
Very typical of abusers.

b. You keep reducing and minimizing the term as something rhetorical and misused.
Very typical of abusers.

c. You deflect blame away from yourself and claim to you don't understand.
Very typical of abusers.

d. You pretend to genuinely want to understand, yet you have not yet looked up the term, which you could have done before coming here, could have done again when I suggested you should, and you could have done it again when you asked for a reference site.
Very typical of abusers.

e. You don't offer any examples and, in fact, you are completely removed from the whole situation by presenting yourself as a curious but uninvolved bystander. You're curious about emotional abuse, the proper way to eat asparagus, and who slew Auntie Roo.

What is the real deal with you?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

River1977 said:


> This post and your first post both sound to me that someone calls you emotionally abusive, but you refuse to believe them. Actually, that is typical of abusers, just like Jellybeans told you. You keep deflecting blame and claiming to be the victim, despite what they say that you are abusive.
> 
> So, according to you....
> 
> ...


You and others need to read OP other thread, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/25882-end.html. You guys need to see the full picture before going any further.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Okay, I read that other post (but not the whole 3 pages of responses). I agree the guy has problems with his wife but still, I addressed THIS post and still see it the way I said. The other post tells me his wife is fickle, complains a lot, and expects too much of him (to fix all their problems when it takes two). But it doesn't tell me anything about abuse, as this one does. 

Apparently, she says he is emotionally abusive, and he claims he is the one being emotionally abused. I don't see any of that in the other post. That means the other post does not define this one and doesn't mean there is no abuse going on. We have no idea why she feels that way or why he feels that way. We have no idea how he responds to her, or if he curses her, or if he belittles her. We don't know if she does those things. We can see that he acquiesces, is willing to compromise in the marriage, and that he carries more than his share of the responsibility for its success but know nothing of their interpersonal communication. How does he TREAT her? That is the question of emotional abuse. And how does she treat him? Those are the questions that determine the answers to this thread. The other thread doesn't answer this one.

He's trying really hard and has a lot on his hands. I have to give him that.


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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

Rivers, I appreciate you doing the best you can to dissect the situation and to answer my questions. I don't think there is any easy way to fully explain every facet of our relationship and it is only one side that is being told anyway.

I was trying to engage conversation further from people's personal perspective rather than just going to a site that lists basic terms and definitions. The term and it's use to me at least seems much more complex than what I have run across.

My best assessment is that I made poor decisions that ultimately have led me to be unhappy. Because of this, I am sure that I vent my frustrations toward her or have created a negative attitude toward her because of that. I am really trying to convince her that I would prefer to go to IC rather our current therapy together to help that.

I really do appreciate everyone's advice and time and apologize again for any confusion that I may have caused.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Do you ever call your partner names when you have a disagreement? 

Do you ever give the silent treatment when things don't go your way?

Do you ever pretend to go along with your partner while all the while plotting in your head how you will manipulate them into doing things your way?

When you feel you are losing an argument do you resort to insults or digging up things from the past to 'throw at' your partner? 

Do you feel like you must 'win' or always be right, even if obtaining that goal requires making your partner or family unhappy because your have resorted to yelling, name calling or bullying? 

Do you care more about being right and being in charge than you do about your partner's feelings? Are you willing risk resentment on your partner's part as long as you can keep them in their place or remind them who is boss? 

Do you feel everything in the relationship should go your way? 

Do you feel threatened and become irate if your partner expresses an opinion that is different from yours? 

If you answered yes to any of these questions you could be an emotional abuser.


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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

Sadie,

This is exactly why I keep questioning where somebody can fall in this category and how I get confused over the whole thing

Yes, some of the questions you raise I believe I can be guilty of before, but I also can look at those think the same exact thing my wife has done in the past.

So it seems like this is like a power struggle that both parties want to reach. When each one can't, they look to this term as their means of appropriating their feelings.

Not trying to downplay that is not something that should not be taken seriously, but it seems this can still be misconstrued in certain situations.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You chose a nutcase for a partner.

It's that simple.

She needs medical help and intervention.

YOU can't provide that.

Move out. Let her deal with her own issues. If she becomes stable in the next 2 or 3 years, THEN you can consider getting back together.

Any other choice, and you're setting your life up for failure.


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## lindabehonest (Jan 18, 2014)

I don,t know what to do,my hubby does every thing listed I finally left two weeks ago and still gone,and then I told he,s on a dating site under diff name place and even put pics I took of him ,oh and I am his 4th wife he did the same to the others,if I had only knew.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

njpca said:


> I am still grasping with this new term of emotional abuse and it seems like the definitions can be very broad and used in different ways?
> 
> How can you know yourself if you are an emotional abuser? How can you be labeled as one?
> 
> ...


I believe today that I was emotionally abusive in past relationships, but I did not know it at the time. I'm sure that SOME people know, but as this post says, I believed I was the victim, not an aggressor. 

Today, I think it pretty much always takes two. Both people contribute to abusive situations in an extremely percentage of cases. In my experiences, my partners and I were both abusive. Which came first? Who knows... doesn't even matter.

For instance, I'd threaten to leave the relationship over ... whatever. In doing so, I was pressuring my partner to do what I wanted - "or else." Sometimes it was justified, but often was not. If you'd asked me, I'd have said I was right to stand up for what I wanted. I had no concept of shared power or cooperation, really. It became so automatic that I still have to fight that response and hold my tongue. 

I had an attitude of "my way or the highway" and I justified this by saying that we all have a right to think for ourselves and uphold our values - something I completely believe even today. However, I did not recognize that being that self-centered all the time was effectively communicating, "Your desires don't count" to my partner. 

I was a yeller. I was very good at arguing circles around someone, going on and on until they'd get tired and give in. Often, this wasn't enough to satisfy me either, and I'd criticize long afterward. I would storm off - (abandon) my partner. I would refuse to go to a planned event, which of course was embarrassing to him when he had to explain my absence to the people expecting me. 

And all the while I felt pretty righteous about it, with no real thought to what it was like to be on the receiving end of me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lindabehonest said:


> I don,t know what to do,my hubby does every thing listed I finally left two weeks ago and still gone,and then I told he,s on a dating site under diff name place and even put pics I took of him ,oh and I am his 4th wife he did the same to the others,if I had only knew.


Which is why I would never even date, let alone marry, anyone who's been married and divorced twice, let alone 3 times.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Abusers like to paint themselves as the victim, no matter how far they have to stretch it, even to the point of absurdity. 

There the obvious abusers, who hit and use degrading names. Then there are the subtle manipulators, they are even worse because we stick around a lot longer with the latter!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It is a bit of a Catch-22 isn't it?


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