# Need Advice-Moving, Military Transition and Unsupportive Husband



## need2ventnow (Mar 24, 2012)

I can't begin to describe how I feel. There have been so many relocations due to my life as a spouse of active duty. He gets out in a month and were moving again. We are not moving home- We are moving to a big city. I was very excited until I found out he'll have to leave to a city thats plane rides away for three months AS SOON AS we get there. So I am expected to drive across the country, unpack, and say bye to my husband while being surrounded by everything unfamilar, with no support from anyone I know. This is not new for me. But its tiring, and everytime he leaves I tend to have bad **** happen to me. Men harass me, my car has been stolen, I've been robbed, etc. This is the biggest city Atlanta, GA. I am not so much as fearful as I am angry and a mix of both. I thought the point of being married was to be together, I knew what I was getting into with a Marine but when he gets out this was supposed to stop. It might sound selfish but I have a BA in Psychology, plan to continue Graduate School, and am working on making a future for us. But everytime I talk to him about money and how am i going to pay the bills, theres no emergency fund or anyone to call (he tells me 911), and he is arguing with me about a joint account. He says i might spend it "shopping" cuz there are so many malls were we are going. I have NEVER gave him reason to think I don't handle money well. I have always paid the bills on time. He is just very concerned about his own personal welfare it seems. He doesn't seem to take into consideration that I am going to be alone all summer and I am not going to know anyone. It's just like always- He leaves me behind- and I am supposed to fend for myself. I am tired of feeling ALONE and MISUNDERSTOOD. I am tired of trying to tell him how I feel and what my needs are when he disregards everything and shows no empathy or concern. We have not so much as seen our neighborhood, and he's not the slighest bit concerned about my welfare. To me, I feel that is a sign of a man who really doesn't give a **** about me. So I am wondering what you all think from what I've told you? Comments are appreciated and I am willing to explain ALOT MORE. For example, he seems to be in a depression/refuses to get help cause it will hold him back from getting out of the military on time. I don't know what to do anymore...


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

need2ventnow said:


> I am tired of feeling ALONE and MISUNDERSTOOD. I am tired of trying to tell him how I feel and what my needs are when he disregards everything and shows no empathy or concern.
> 
> I can see what you are tired of. Now, what do you want? How do you want to feel? You said you don't know how you feel, don't know where to start. Well let's take time to answer that. How do you Feel? How would you like to feel?
> It's important to listen to what happening in you, very important! You cannot just forget your feelings, forget what you want from a situation.
> Let's say you took the time for yourself tonight to figure out those questions. How would you feel the next day knowing what is going on in you? I bet better!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I was so glad when my husband got out of the Navy--the moving was indeed exhausting.

Many military men have to put up with a lot at work, so they think that their wives should suck up problems at home. They are trained to be team players without thinking of their personal problems. Do you think that deep down he really does not care about your feelings, or is he just the stoic type?

When he finishes his 3 month training, will he finally be home all the time? Can you keep in touch with Skype? Will you look for a job there? If not, find a group to volunteer with--animal shelter, medical center, school. Are there hobby groups that you could join?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He does not have control over where he has to go, and he may consider the attack unfair b/c he has no control or power to change it.

BUT--why not just move in with family or something for 3 months, and come together again in Atlanta when he's done with the 3 months away? A storage unit for your stuff is a lot cheaper than 3 months of rent, right? 

Use the time apart to talk to him over email and skype and whatever about how you are really starting to feel. He needs to know that you are getting to the end of your rope and most importantly, he needs to understand that if he continues to react--rather than listening and hearing--is just going to do more damage. But you need to express yourself in "I think. . . so I feel. . ." Connect your feelings to your thoughts about his actions so that he can see if you are drawing conclusions he didn't anticipate. Get some counseling individually to help you articulate your thoughts and feelings in a more positive way. 

Good luck.


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## need2ventnow (Mar 24, 2012)

You all make good points. Basically, he is not going to be in the military any more. I actually wanted him to stay in as I have gotten accustomed to living this way, with the security of knowing that base would be nearby had I ever needed anything. But now its different, were moving, he will be a civilian, there will be no support for me if something happens. I had thought of going home to family, but in order for him to have his job, he must have an address and relocate, so either way we have to pay rent whether I am there or not. I have a job here, which I am really good at, and finally progressing in too which sucks bcuz it may not pay what he's getting paid but it has possibility. I have applied to Grad School where we are going, and I am looking for a job. I didn't want to stay w. my family bcuz I have put my goals on hold to be with him for so long and I don't want to rely on my family. I'm beginning to feel like this is "my move" "my transition" and that he is having is own. I don't feel "together" on this. I feel completely alone. He says he plans to work a lot of overtime once he gets back. Its not that I am not happy he found a good job, its just that I feel like I should be more appreciated for all the I have done and am still willing to do for him. I feel that using my paycheck to spend a couple hundred on my female wants like makeup (while i still have my awesome associate discount), an outfit that I wore for OUR five year anniversary, isn't excessive self-indulgence. However, he seems to think that it is. He seems to think that I should be content watching television all night. We live in a studio apartment that I moved us into 2 yrs ago. I moved from FL-all the way to the west coast alone, and did everything alone. The only thing he did was give me money. He was deployed and couldn't even use the phone. He was on a MEU (ship) so all we had was e-mail. If I ask myself how I feel, I guess I would say I feel resentful because the entire time he's been in the military I was working on my Bachelor's Degree. I got it and I asked him to come to my commencement ceremony which is June 15th and he said he doubts he will have time or won't be in the city. That really hurt me. If he would have offered an ulterior idea like- We will plan you a party for such and such a date - I would have been happy- but that he doesn't even recognize my hard work- pisses me off. And I also have worked while in school and contributed to our income as much as possible while being in this city YUMA, AZ which has the highest unemployment in the nation, and you pretty much have to be bilingual to get a job with my BA degree. So I work in retail, I couldn't find a job here as a CNA when I got here, thats why I went back to school FT and now my CNA lapsed. I still hold it in FL and I can make pretty decent money doing that. I have also become a Certified Personal Trainer, but were I am at, the economy is the worst so I haven't been able to use it for much. I guess I am just babbling on...but its all these issues that come crashing down at me when I feel like he doesn't realize what I have sacrificed to be with him. It almost makes me think that I would be better off alone. He calls me "dependent" on him bcuz I don't not want to be in an unknown city alone and I asked him to ask his mom to come visit and stay with me, and he is also mad that I am asking my friends to come stay with me. So its like he wants me to sit alone all summer long and not have socialization. I don't know if he feels jealous that I am not the one with the big money or what his deal is. I cannot figure out why he seems to want to make things harder on me, and I feel like he is only thinking about himself and "we" doesn't exist. In fact, I feel like I am single half of the time bcuz of his lack of interest in my life. The only time he seems interested is if I am doing something he does not like- other than that- he shows no signs of "trying" to make our marriage work. We talk about it all the time, but there are never any improvements. I asked him to go to marriage counseling, but like I said he worries about what the military will do if he goes. He's got so much pride that I don't even know whats going on in his head, and if he tells me anything-its always a personal attack on me- and something I don't do right. When I compare myself to most women who are married to marines, I think I have accomplished a lot. I live in a ghetto apartment that my car was stolen from, were guys sexually harass me, I work, I went to college, and I exercise religiously. I make sure that I look good for him, and he doesn't even compliment me anymore. I seriously feel like shutting myself out from him, and hiding everything I do. I'm beginning to feel like my honesty with him gets me absolutely NO WHERE...and in reality these issues all began when he deployed and now two years later, nothing has really changed. And I didn't want to get to personal- but while he was gone for his deployment-well he was actually still a plane ride away- my roomate brought some strangers in my home (she lied telling me they were good friends) and I was attacked by two men- So I have been undergoing treatment for PTSD for two years. My fears of being ALONE in a crime filled city really relate to that, and I know that I am easy prey when I'm alone. I asked him for a gun, I asked him for a pitbull, but nothing...I don't feel safe. But I don't want to give up on my life bcuz of what happened two years ago- I don't want my marriage ruined bcuz of it- and I;ve been fighting hard to overcome this fear. But to me, its fear that makes since and without it, I could end up in that position again...I don't think I'm paranoid. I think I'm a realist...I need to have a comfort net when he's not there- I think of it like this- if i was single- I would be within an hr or two of my family- my security zone...I bet this is a lot to take in...so imma shut up now...jus venting and getting this off my chest...

I am pretty sure that he's not the stoic type- but more like the clueless type- he seems to be unaffected by everything- but how could he NOT BE affected...I analyzed that its bcuz he GOT OVER IT the attacks were not made on him-car, assault...so its easier for him to not worry about that ****. But for me...I have to worry cuz I am being put in that vulnerable position again. I AM smarter now, but how is that gonna help me when I take my chihuahua's outside at night? 

All I want is to have some sort of way to protect myself while he is gone again...and I don't have that...and I don't know what to expect in Atlanta...and I don't know how to make him understand that my two major concerns are 1.) Safety and 2.) Creating my career and starting Grad School. 

Is there anyway that I can have both of those? I guess I do sound dependent, but not in the manner that I want him for money, more like that I feel safe when he's there. How would you describe me? Selfish, Scared, Honest, Normal? I mean...I have been good bcuz I am in a place were I have developed friendships, I have a support network from my co-workers and bosses, and base is always there if I need anything...but now in a month from now- its back to nothing and the unknown city...


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Please put in more paragraphs--hard to read one big block of text.

He wouldn't come to your commencement after all your hard work to get your degree? He is indeed disconnected from you. You said talking to him doesn't work. I would take action. Are there things you now do for him that you can withdraw? Something that will make him realize the value of your contribution to your marriage. A soft 180 withdrawing love language actions? 

It does sound serious enough that you should consider divorce if he continues to ignore your needs.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello 
We can see how you feel, and they are not exciting feelings. How would you like to feel instead? To be happy, loved, desired, exited about life, what do you need to do?
It looks like it the main thing over here: being happy.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

need2ventnow said:


> he doesn't even recognize my hard work- pisses me off. And I also have worked while in school and contributed to our income as much as possible while being in this city YUMA, AZ which has the highest unemployment in the nation, and you pretty much have to be bilingual to get a job with my BA degree. So I work in retail


I don't know if you've posted and gone off somewhere else forever, but figured I'd respond. My husband (former Army) dragged me out to Yuma - kicking and screaming, I might add - where he took a job first at YPG, then at MCAS (where your husband has been stationed). 

To begin with, you married into the military. Semper Fi. This is the reality of what it is. I KNOW. My husband put in 20 and retired an O-5. Guess what? He was just like your husband once he went civilian. "Suck it up." It was his way or the highway.

You are venting. Okay. But coming on here and posting a litany of complaints doesn't change what it is. I left my husband over two years ago, because I could not live with the military mentality any longer. I was far down the list of important things in my husband's life too.

Heck, who the he!! would ever choose to live in a dump like Yuma? I had a college degree and could only find crummy retail jobs. To this day, my husband is just fine and dandy without me. 

You either get with the program - as in HIS program - or you go on your way alone. This doesn't happen in all military marriages, but I've seen a lot of them in my life, and it generally happens just the way you are describing it.

Hope you come back here again. At least I can tell you I really understand what you're going through.

P.S. - Take heart; Atlanta is a sprawling metro area, but at least there's more to do than in a sh!th0le like Yuma!


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## need2ventnow (Mar 24, 2012)

I am still here and yes Yuma is awful and Atlanta will be a hell of a lot better! So, I guess that's the bright side. After a long weekend- I think we got everything off our chests...And he finally seems to be understanding. He actually told me he would be super depressed w.o me so and he's willing to pay for self defense classes, a NEW gps, and a gun for the apt. b4 we get there...so maybe i got thro to him... hope it lasts...thanks for all ur support


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

I'm happy for you !


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Great! Keep letting him know how you feel. Resentment is a sure way to destroy love.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Glad to see things are working out.

Here's some perspective from "both" sides of the coin.

I myself am retired Air Force. My husband is also retired Air Force. So I not only know how it is from being the military member but I was married to a military member so I got a double dose--I know how it is to be the spouse of a military member too.

Out of the 14 years that we were in the military together, after marrying, before he retired first, we were separated a total of 6 years (not all at once). He was overseas, I joined a year later, he went TDY, I stayed, I went TDY, he stayed. Sometimes the kids went with us both, other times we took one each - lots of sacrifice and lots of separation.

BUT...this is what I/we signed up for. We knew it would be this way when we got married so we dealt with it. No complaining, no feeling sorry for ourselves. It was a conscious choice that I made, he made.

If it's that difficult...you have the choice to walk away. If not, then it's what you signed up for and you owe it to your husband to be supportive. 

And as far as the military mentality - it is what it is and it's not going to change just because he's leaving the military. Deal with it or get out...don't mean to sound harsh but no one is holding a gun to your head to get you to stay.

I spent 25 years in the Air Force and moved 8 times, twice overseas, with pets and two kids and a husband. AND, I was active duty military also.

You've gained a whole lot more than you've lost. You got relatively cheap medical benefits, Base Exchange with no tax, commissary privileges, the chance to meet new people and see other places that you might not have - look at it that way. A lot of people would love those types of opportunities.

I've been retired 8 years and still have that military mentality. The military is a way of life just like any other career where you serve. Military people have a sense of duty and loyalty that is unsurpassed in the civilian sector. 

Military, past and present fought for you to have the right to come on here and vent and have the freedom of choice, religion, speech, etc. We fight for other nations to experience the freedoms that we, as Americans, take for granted each and every day.

I'm glad your husband understands your fears, but I think you need to be supportive also. Of course he knows what you have sacrificed - but do you know what he sacrified by serving his country? He had to move too, he had to leave friends behind, he had to live somewhere where he didn't know anybody at first either. YOU were not the only one sacrificing...think about that.

And, I guarantee you, from personal experience, that he is scared about how things are going to be once he becomes a "civilian" again. It's quite different and a lot of prior military members have difficulty transitioning. He's going to need your support more now than ever as he tries to assimilate his life back to being a civilian after being in the military regiment for so long--I know...it is not easy.

I hope things continue to improve and that your move to GA is a successful one, keep your chin up and head high, you'll be okay.


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