# Normal to talk about ex?



## Owl1970

Hi, I've been dating a man for almost a year. He's been divorced 5 years. The relationship is wonderful except for one thing: he talks often about his ex wife. I'm not referring to the co parenting conversations- I know those are necessary and don't have anything to do with me- no problem there. What is beginning to make me uneasy are the references to past vacations, comments on how they lived day to day, and even sexual experiences. Usually none of these comments are positive but still I'm finding it odd and a bit of a red flag. He even showed me their wedding picture which he still had framed (in a drawer) at work! She's engaged at the moment to the man she had the affair that ended the marriage with. But she sometimes talks negatively to my BF about her current fiancé! I find this odd and have asked him about perhaps establishing some boundaries with her if he's bothered by those conversations, but I fear he likes the attention which worries me even more. Anyway... I'm concerned his past marriage is taking up space that could otherwise be used for his current relationship. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!


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## Lostinthought61

Good for you to see these as red flags, its clear is not over her, and even negatives comments are references to feelings....he is not ready, and you need to move on....he may tell you he is but his actions demonstrate otherwise. This does not make him a bad person just one who is not ready to move on yet. Sorry


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## Cooper

Maybe his past marriage is the major point of reference in his life. If he was married for a significant time all those life events...vacations, kids, homes, maybe even loss of virginity...etc., happened while married to the ex. My point being he may not be hung up on his ex, he may simply not have much other life experiences outside of that marriage to reference.

Or yes he could still be hung up on the ex secretly hoping her present relationship blows up and he can pull that wedding picture back out of the drawer and put on his desk.

Bottom line is if you feel you are living in her shadow it is not a healthy relationship for you, he needs to fix that or you will forever feel insecure. If he doesn't understand this you need to reconsider how "wonderful" the relationship truly is.


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## arbitrator

Owl1970 said:


> Hi, I've been dating a man for almost a year. He's been divorced 5 years. The relationship is wonderful except for one thing: he talks often about his ex wife. I'm not referring to the co parenting conversations- I know those are necessary and don't have anything to do with me- no problem there. What is beginning to make me uneasy are the references to past vacations, comments on how they lived day to day, and even sexual experiences. Usually none of these comments are positive but still I'm finding it odd and a bit of a red flag. He even showed me their wedding picture which he still had framed (in a drawer) at work! She's engaged at the moment to the man she had the affair that ended the marriage with. But she sometimes talks negatively to my BF about her current fiancé! I find this odd and have asked him about perhaps establishing some boundaries with her if he's bothered by those conversations, but I fear he likes the attention which worries me even more. Anyway... I'm concerned his past marriage is taking up space that could otherwise be used for his current relationship. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!


*He's probably not a bad guy, but he's clearly not ready for any kind of a new loving relationship!

That, in and of itself, truly takes time and forgiveness!*


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## Ynot

I agree with Cooper, if he had been married to her for a major part of his life, it may just be a major part of who he is. I was married for 24 years. Hardly a day goes by or some event happens that does not some how relate back to that part of my life. Almost every memory and experience I have was formed by my marriage. I have no desire to recreate that part of my life, but it is part of who I am. OTOH, I do not know what your experience is or was. If you married before, married for a short time, married multiple times etc, etc? But I would think this would be something you would expect from someone coming from any type of experience. If it bothers you that much, maybe you need to look within. Perhaps it is you who has buried something unresolved about your past and it makes you uncomfortable?


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## MJJEAN

Is it normal to talk about an ex? Sure. Maybe even healthy. Is it normal to talk about an ex daily 5 years after the divorce was finalized? I'd say no. This is a problem he needs to address. Even if your relationship doesn't work out I'm pretty sure the next gal wouldn't be thrilled to hear about his ex all the time, either.


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## Satya

My husband and I sometimes talk about our ex spouses, but it's a mutual, two-way conversation that usually has some relevance to what we're discussing. 

But we both have no effects from our previous lives (pictures, etc) other than pictures of his children, which I'd expect him to want to have around the house!

Detailed sexual discussions? I'd be a bit perturbed. 

Have you told him point blank that you find it unsettling? He may just be very comfortable discussing and reminiscing but he needs to know that you don't want to hear it. 

And yes, I think these are giant red flags.

What was he doing in the 5 years after divorce and before meeting you? This is important.


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## jetzon

time to move on !!!!


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## FeministInPink

Satya said:


> My husband and I sometimes talk about our ex spouses, but it's a mutual, two-way conversation that usually has some relevance to what we're discussing.
> 
> But we both have no effects from our previous lives (pictures, etc) other than pictures of his children, which I'd expect him to want to have around the house!
> 
> Detailed sexual discussions? I'd be a bit perturbed.
> 
> Have you told him point blank that you find it unsettling? He may just be very comfortable discussing and reminiscing but he needs to know that you don't want to hear it.
> 
> And yes, I think these are giant red flags.
> 
> What was he doing in the 5 years after divorce and before meeting you? This is important.


I agree with Satya, there are healthy ways in which people talk about their exes, and then there are unhealthy ways. 

When my guy and I first got together (we've now been together about 15 months), our exes came up more frequently than they do now. Most of it was him marveling at how different I was from his ex (in a good way), and vice versa, but we also talked about the problems in our past marriages and what we learned from them. This was partly a way for us to learn how the other person thought and how their brain worked. But those conversations waned over time, and now our exes are hardly ever mentioned.

I initially thought he was hung up on his ex, but I later realized that I'm his first relationship since his divorce (6 yrs ago), and me being in his life was forcing him to finally process some of his feelings, and recognize that, while he didn't want the divorce and he didn't want that relationship to end, his marriage was unhealthy and that he is better off not being in it. While it's possible your BF might be going through the same thing, I don't think he is. He's still very attached to her. It's unhealthy that she is complaining about her fiance to her ex, and that he keeps a framed pic of her in the drawer at work.

It appears to me that he is still clinging to hope that she will dump the fiance and they will get back together. I think you're his plan B. If I were you, I would break up with him. He's not ready to have a real relationship with a woman who isn't his ex-wife.


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## BetrayedDad

Lostinthought61 said:


> even negatives comments are references to feelings....


Meh, not always. I mock people I see at Walmart or the convenience store all the time. Why should an ex get a free pass?

I'd be way more concerned about him playing the role of emotion tampon while his ex vents about the bf. He's cucking himself.

The picture in his draw at work is REALLY disturbing too. First thing, I did was throw all of her pictures in the garbage can.


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## TheLyonKyng

Things in life that you cannot recover... the stone after the throw, the word after it is said, the occasion after it is missed, and the time after it is gone. He seems to be ruminating too much on his past and not looking forward to what his presence or future is. I believe that he needs to speak to a therapist about these unsettled and unresolved feelings or thoughts that he is having. He doesn't seem ready for a relationship, and he is clearly not moving forward... although it appears that his ex has surely done so.

I could agree more about the setting of boundaries. He seems all over the place. For him to even recall sexual experiences and freely talk about them to you almost sounds like he is making comparisons. Either way, he really needs to move on with his life. The other ship has clearly sailed.


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## Tillaan

How old is he? How long was he married? How many other significant long term relationships has he had? What happened relationship wise for him between the ex and you? You need to take those 4 answers into consideration when thinking about this. I believe it is clear he is not over his ex but the extent of the issue depends a lot on those answers. If he is younger, inexperienced, or that relationship was the vast majority of his life above the age of say 25 then there's good reason he looks back at it so much. 

However the picture of the ex in his drawer and the fact he engages in the conversations with the ex when she is complaining about her fiance flat out say he is still hung up on her. You need to sit down with him, voice your concerns, and set boundaries at a minimum. If the above questions lead you to think he's had plenty experience outside his relationship with his ex you should just let this one go and move on. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm

Cooper said:


> Maybe his past marriage is the major point of reference in his life. If he was married for a significant time all those life events...vacations, kids, homes, maybe even loss of virginity...etc., happened while married to the ex.


I do agree with this part. 

HOWEVER...

Her confiding in him about her fiance.... BIG red flag. After FIVE years, this should not be going on, and you should not tolerate this. If this is how they are, you probably should just kick him to the curb. Men who cannot fully let go of their ex's arent worth a damn as romantic partners. I swear, there is no one I hate more than EX's!!


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## Wolf1974

I think it depends on context. My x wife and I knew each other since I was 14 years old. You really can't have a conversation without the knowledge she was in the background somewhere because she was. I have been divorced 7 years and as time passes some of my more recent life experiences didn't involve her but could have involved an x girlfriend now.

Talking about and dwelling on the the past are two very different things in my opinion.


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## FeministInPink

Wolf1974 said:


> I think it depends on context. My x wife and I knew each other since I was 14 years old. You really can't have a conversation without the knowledge she was in the background somewhere because she was. I have been divorced 7 years and as time passes some of my more recent life experiences didn't involve her but could have involved an x girlfriend now.
> 
> Talking about and dwelling on the the past are two very different things in my opinion.


I find that the longer Real Estate and I are together, the more memories he and I create together. The more memories he and I create, the more often we talk about "remember when we did X?" when a related topic comes up, and less often one of us will mention "this one time, the ex and I did Y." When you're with someone for such a long time, they are part of the memories that you have and the stories that you share, because they were your PERSON at that point in time.

For example, while on my honeymoon, my XH and I went to Prince Edward Island so I could see the Green Gables house (from Anne of Green Gables) and the surrounding places where the books were set. I'd always wanted to go, and we were so close (we took our honeymoon in Nova Scotia) that it seemed silly not to take advantage and go there, since it was only a few hours away. I really enjoyed the trip, and of it comes up in conversation, I'm going to want to talk about it. And I can't talk about it without mentioning my XH. He's not the focal point of the story that I would tell, but he was THERE... I can't just redact him from my memories. I would have to wipe out an entire 10 years.

But as I have created new memories and experienced new things, I have a larger well of stories to draw from, and so he will come up less and less. But I'll never be able to completely erase him from my life. To imagine that I could do so would be foolish.


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## bkyln309

My current BF and I talk about our exes. Neither of us want to go back to them. No amount of money on the planet for either of us to go back.We are just comfortable that both of them were part of our lives for so long. I was married 16 and him 26. We mention memories that include the ex if we are somewhere significant. Its part of learning who we each are as people and how experiences shaped us.

I still have small kids so my ex is part of my weekly/daily life with kid stuff. Its no big deal to either of us. Our exes are part of our story and our kids stories.

I wouldnt say its a red flag necessarily. You have to look in the context the ex is mentioned. 

I will say talking in depth about sexual experiences is abit off.


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## chillymorn69

how about Just bringing it up to him. something like You know you mention your ex a lot. I mean a lot. and its starting to get frustrating for me as I would like to get past her and concentrate on Us.

I;m not saying you have to forget her But always mentioning the past hinders us from have the best future we could have.

disregard if you have already had this conversation.


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## jb02157

BetrayedDad said:


> Meh, not always. I mock people I see at Walmart or the convenience store all the time. Why should an ex get a free pass?
> 
> I'd be way more concerned about him playing the role of emotion tampon while his ex vents about the bf. He's cucking himself.
> 
> The picture in his draw at work is REALLY disturbing too. First thing, I did was throw all of her pictures in the garbage can.


The wedding picture HAS to go! It almost seems that he wants the relationship he has with you to be similar her relationship with BF so he can relate to her. You need to sit him down and have a talk about this. Where exactly does he see his ex in the future and how much more are you going to have to put up with constant references to her. If he can't do that I would tell him that you would consider leaving.


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## Jessica38

I'd simply let him know that it bothers you and you'd like him to stop doing it. He really may not realize that it bothers you. He could have a million reasons why he does it that don't include still pining for his ex (inexperience with women's feelings, immaturity, cluelessness), and that could be somewhat innocent. Personally, I would not like that so he should know it bothers you so he can be more considerate in the future. But if you don't tell him, he won't know.

If he continues doing it after you've told him it bothers you, I'd be tempted to bring up your Ex often and see how he likes it.


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## Bananapeel

Having a picture of his ex might not be a big deal depending on why it's there. I have pictures and wedding stuff from my ex in a box in storage for my kids to have when they grow up because I think it will be important to them. As long as he's just holding it there why does it matter? I also have a few family pictures up from back when I was married because it conveys a positive image to my kids and it's their house too. The pictures with my ex are small in comparison to the family pics I have without her and they aren't as prominently displayed. 

His relationship with his ex is his to choose and whether you like it or not, it's not a good idea to have an ultimatum or get upset about it. Instead either decide you are compatible with the man and want a future with him or you don't, then accept him as he is. Trying to change someone rarely works and is bound to build resentment.


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## SunCMars

FeministInPink said:


> I agree with Satya, there are healthy ways in which people talk about their exes, and then there are unhealthy ways.
> 
> When my guy and I first got together (we've now been together about 15 months), our exes came up more frequently than they do now. Most of it was him marveling at how different I was from his ex (in a good way), and vice versa, but we also talked about the problems in our past marriages and what we learned from them. This was partly a way for us to learn how the other person thought and how their brain worked. But those conversations waned over time, and now our exes are hardly ever mentioned.
> 
> I initially thought he was hung up on his ex, but I later realized that I'm his first relationship since his divorce (6 yrs ago), and me being in his life was forcing him to finally process some of his feelings, and recognize that, while he didn't want the divorce and he didn't want that relationship to end, his marriage was unhealthy and that he is better off not being in it. While it's possible your BF might be going through the same thing, I don't think he is. He's still very attached to her. It's unhealthy that she is complaining about her fiance to her ex, and that he keeps a framed pic of her in the drawer at work.
> 
> It appears to me that he is still clinging to hope that she will dump the fiance and they will get back together. I think you're his plan B. If I were you, I would break up with him. He's not ready to have a real relationship with a woman who isn't his ex-wife.


Nice Quip, FIP! :smile2:


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## SunCMars

Next time you get him in bed naked, wait until he is sleeping.

Pull the covers off his body and expose his torso fully.

With a flashlight held closely to his skin look for bumps that move along from under his skin. These bumps will look like welts. A little reddish brown in color.

Most people will have one or two that creep around under the skin. These types move around randomly. They are past memorial bug-a-boos. 

If you see a school of them that run from his groin, just above his penis, and then quickly move to his skull....back and forth all night long.....you have a problem.

She has gotten under his skin. He has not excised them. He never reached down into his trousers and crushed them as they traveled upwards.

Please tell him of your concerns before you pull the plug on him.... Pull the plug, watching him go round and round in the whirlpool....down the drain.

Those little blips of painful nostalgia are treasured by him. They give him comfort. 

Comfort from pain? Sure, even pain can be a good thing to a numb, dying man. Reminds him of his past life. His pride was wounded. He cannot get over sleights...especially those to his Ego.


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## Hope1964

I agree with those who said, TALK to him. Tell him how you feel and ask him if he knows why he does this. Don't just break up with the poor guy without at LEAST telling him WHY.


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## JRegan

I found it impossible not to talk about my ex with friends and family. I'm sure after a year of it, I was annoying everyone around me. Thankfully soon after, I was able to close the door and move on with my life.


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## Rick Blaine

He needs to 86 the picture. Yes, it's a red flag. More importantly, he needs to end intimate conversations with his ex-wife. That kind of talk becomes a gaping portal to a renewed relationship with her.

Talk to your boyfriend about boundaries that both of you abide by. These are non-negotiable. Every relationship depends on solid boundaries. No intimate conversation with the Ex and get rid of her pictures, especially wedding pictures for Pete's sake.


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## Adelais

Lots of red flags. He isn't dating material, as he is pining over his wife still. The wedding picture in the drawer is just one indication.


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