# Looking for advice



## Ash91 (Jun 25, 2018)

Hi, I’m new here and I’m desperately seeking someone’s advice. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this so I’m hoping someone can tell me something..okay so here goes..

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years now, married for 5 of those ten years.. 2 years ago me and my husband were having problems for about a year, we hardly talked, we argued non stop about almost everything and we just couldn’t get along, but we kept trying for our daughter who was 2 at the time. 

Well at that time I found out he had called an old friend of his, we’ll call her Betty, they never dated (so he says) and when we first started dating I knew about her being his “friend” but couldn’t help but ask if they ever dated or had sex, and he told me no, and of course I brushed it off because we just started dating and I trusted him, I mean he told me about other woman but he swore he never did anything with her, okay so back to the story.. 

so I found out he had called this woman 2 times in that past 3 months and What made me mad is that he did it behind my back, if she was just a “friend” from way back when, then why hide it from me? So I asked him about it and he told me he just wanted to see how things were going with her, and I’m thinking okay?? Why do you care? So we get in an argument about it because thats what we would do at the time, is argue about everything, and during the argument he admitted to me that they did in fact have sex before me and that she was his first, so that changes things, idk about y’all but I am NOT okay with my husband remaining friends with woman he had sex with, so I was mad! Not only did he lie to me about never having sex with her before but now he’s telling me that she was his first. Why would he lie about that? Like I said he told me about other woman he was with why hide the fact that you were with her? Does she mean that much to him that he hide that from me? So I was hurt and confused about why he felt the need to hide this from me. I told him everything about me, everything! Things I’ve never shared with anyone and he couldn’t even tell me honestly that he had sex with her? What was the big deal? Why hide her? You know? It made me feel like he actually cared more about this woman then me, it made me feel like what else Is he capable of hiding and lying to me about?

So we took a brake from one another, but when we finally sat down and laid all of our problems out there and talked everything threw we made a promise to one another that we wouldn’t keep anything from each other Again! And that we’d try harder to work out our marriage, which we did! I hadn’t been so happy since the day I married him, we hardly ever argued, we laughed all the time and it felt like the honeymoon stage all over agin! So I felt like I was happy all of this happened, because I felt it made us stronger! 

Well, fast forward to the present Time, we were still happy, still strong, still being open with one another...so I thought... one night we got into an argument, the first serious argument in years and he stormed out and went to drink with my cousin, so I waited all night till he got home at 3 in the morning. And I was mad but he was drunk and there is no way of arguing with someone who was drunk so I just wen to bed. Well I woke up and I felt uneasy, I felt like something wasn’t right, so my intuition told me to look at his phone call log, and I did, and there it was... Betty’s number.. we’ll it wasn’t exactly her number, only the last 4 digits were correct, the first three weren’t, so it was as if he attempted to call her, but not remembering or maybe to drunk to Remember her correct number, but point is he tried calling her, behind my back, AGAIN! So when he woke up I confronted him about it, I said why are you trying to call Betty? Why didn’t you call me instead to see if I was okay? You called her?! And of course he’s apologizing left and right saying he was drunk, he didn’t mean to, how huge of a mistake he made. 

But all I can think about is, why does he CARE To call another woman? Why?? What is it with her? I feel as if the first time he called her (2 years ago) he was having an emotional affair with her. And maybe because we argued again he felt like calling her for some reason. Idk. I feel hurt, I feel like maybe he wants to be with her instead. I feel that maybe way back then, he did want to be with her, he wanted to be more then just friends but maybe she didn’t see him like that, I feel like maybe he settled for me, but he always wonders what if, about her. I asked him these things and he says that I’m the only woman for him, that he loves me more then life and that he made a mistake. Idk what to believe, it’s like they say, the truth comes out when you’re drunk, and when he was drunk he didn’t think to call me, he thought to call her. Idk how to feel. 

Before that night I thought we were completely happy, now i think maybe he’d rather be with her and he just settling for me. Please someone give me some sort of advice or something. Like I said I don’t have anyone to talk to, and sometimes the best advice comes from people you don’t know...am I crazy? Am I overthinking this? Should I just let it go?


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

If you want help you really need to structure your post. There is not a single line break or paragraph. Please edit the post so that people can breathe while they read it because right now its a monumental task to read it.

All I can say is... Your husband might be calling a friends with benefits because its easy sex and release vs. dealing with you.
If you guys always fight and argue i am sure the sex volume is low and instead of trying to fix it (which might take a lifetime) he is just making a simple call and getting his needs met.

Im not saying its right... Im just saying its an option


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## Ash91 (Jun 25, 2018)

Sorry, this is my first post, I’ll edit it in a bit... but I should add that this Betty woman lives pretty far away, about a 7 hour drive, so I don’t think they are having a sexual affair being that my husband is either at work or with us, he hardly ever goes out. And we haven’t been arguing much at all since 2 years ago.


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## Ash91 (Jun 25, 2018)

Steve2.0 said:


> If you want help you really need to structure your post. There is not a single line break or paragraph. Please edit the post so that people can breathe while they read it because right now its a monumental task to read it.
> 
> All I can say is... Your husband might be calling a friends with benefits because its easy sex and release vs. dealing with you.
> If you guys always fight and argue i am sure the sex volume is low and instead of trying to fix it (which might take a lifetime) he is just making a simple call and getting his needs met.
> ...


Sorry, this is my first post, I’ll edit it in a bit... but I should add that this Betty woman lives pretty far away, about a 7 hour drive, so I don’t think they are having a sexual affair being that my husband is either at work or with us, he hardly ever goes out. And we haven’t been arguing much at all since 2 years ago.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Honestly, there isn't a big red-flag smoking gun here for the last instance. I mean we can speculate but it seems like if he were trying to call her, he would have attempted more than once to get a hold of her. Were the first three numbers even close to Betty's? what about the area code?


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## Ash91 (Jun 25, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Honestly, there isn't a big red-flag smoking gun here for the last instance. I mean we can speculate but it seems like if he were trying to call her, he would have attempted more than once to get a hold of her. Were the first three numbers even close to Betty's? what about the area code?


He attempted three times that night to call her. Area code was correct, it was 2 of the middle 3 numbers he got wrong, last four were right. Idk what his intentions were when he attempted to call her. I asked him and all he said was “I was drunk.” As if that’s a good excuse.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Ash91 said:


> Hi, I’m new here and I’m desperately seeking someone’s advice. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this so I’m hoping someone can tell me something..okay so here goes..
> 
> I’ve been with my husband for 10 years now, married for 5 of those ten years.. 2 years ago me and my husband were having problems for about a year, we hardly talked, we argued non stop about almost everything and we just couldn’t get along, but we kept trying for our daughter who was 2 at the time.
> 
> ...


You're freaking because he broke his promise to be open and honest. But this is fixable.

You guys do need to have another sit down and spill it to each other. He needs to completely understand and agree to the terms of openness and honesty...whatever terms and degree of honesty you both agree on.

For my husband and I? We are as 100% as I think any couple can get. If he masturbates specifically at or about another woman, he tells me. He tells me why he chose masturbation over having sex with me (sometimes it's things like that he's tired and it helps him sleep...sometimes it's that some other woman he saw pictures or met turned him on...whatever it is and I do the same.)

Other couples may wish to keep stuff like that to themselves.

But when there is something going on like what your husband did - that reminds me totally of my own husband. He can justify keeping stuff like that to himself but in the open/honest conversations, my response is "Thoughts are precursor to actions" - and if a guy gets to daydreaming about another woman that he has contact with, well, that's treading on thin ice. My husband didn't see that until we had MANY conversations about it. 

Also, out of these conversations is the opportunity for us, as a couple, to discuss what are the triggers that cause a person to look to another party for relief? 

It's called, in some circles, "triangulation" - where the two married people have conflict and one or both of the spouses instead of hanging in there and cooling off maturely and revisiting the conversation calmly AND engaged with each other - instead, they will reach for a third party to relieve the tension in the relationship. 

Triangulation doesn't solve conflict but it's alluring because it sometimes temporarily relieves conflict. It's like going out and getting drunk. Totally useless for solving problems.

Anyway, now that you have freaked out (I totally have done this), time to get back to the conversations. Open yourself up to calmly hearing what his fantasies are about what he feels like this woman has to offer him. Stay calm. Listen. Let him talk. Encourage him to talk. You know you understand. You aren't exactly sexually dead yourself. You can also share stuff so he doesn't have to feel like he's the only one with reservations. You hurt right now - so don't cover that hurt with anger...feel it. Admit it. What's under that hurt is the fear that your husband will detach from you and you'll experience a loss of his love with you. You'll be alone. Talk to him. Tell him what you need from him. Listen to him. Let him tell you what he needs from you. This is a tough conversation. 

My husband hid all kinds of stuff for years - it was a crazy mess. What it came down to was a whole lot of epiphanies about how each of us thinks, feels, fears and reacts. He likes a lot of women and, although he hasn't acted on any of those, he came dang close a few times. The conversations helped him open up about why cruising for another prospect was something he needed. It helped me realize and recognize my husband's sexuality. And I was able to ask him to recognize my sexuality and the ways that we are the same and different in that regard. 

You can be hurt about this - the deception - but please and I'm speaking as a woman with the same outrage response as you are having - please recognize that self-righteous indignation is only an initial response and not a longterm solution. The longterm solution is for you to express what you fear will happen as a result of his deception and actions. Then listen openly and not angrily for his thoughts and feelings about this. 

Be prepared for this to be several conversations. 

To your husband: My husband has been where you are at. It was many conversations between us before he could drop the excuses and shifting responsibility for his actions to other people and circumstances before he finally embraced openness and honesty. It has been totally worth it. 

My husband and I went from arguing over sex to having sex at least once a day, sometimes sessions that last hours. We are so into each other because we have talked through the shame, the fear, the embarrassment, our desires, our disappointments to the point where we both had the same information in front of us and could make decisions based on truth that we both openly shared. 

There is nothing in the world like having a relationship with somebody who totally loves you and gets you. The enlightening thing for my husband was that that relationship wasn't "out there somewhere" - it was right in front of him. He just had to pick it up and polish it so he could see himself in its reflection.


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