# Need advice from men I am so confused



## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Hello. I have been seeing a man since October and here's the short version. He is not married but is going through a custody battle for his 18 month old. To keep this short there were some other things going on and, since we met, he found out he may be going to rehab for a year. 

So I am usually cool as a cucumber but I start pouring out my feelings. So I think he's gone and he texts me one night asking why I went from being crazy about seeing him to nothing and I was like..., "oh, you are home!? I thought you were gone!" So we hang out again a couple of times. He says now it is just going to be 10 months and he's leaving in a week. 

So when it has almost been a week he texts me, "take care," and, "bye," and I'm like, "can I see you one more time before you go?" and he says, "no." So again...I think he's gone and start dealing with missing him and keeping myself busy. 

Then last night I get a text from him that says, "I should know later in the week." and that is all he says. I respond back...., "okay, it feels so good to hear from you " and he says nothing. I have been listening to this relationship advice stuff and it says for women to use feeling words when talking to men so I was trying it out and feel stupid now like that was a dumb response. Like I should have said, "know what? where you are going?" 

So it has been a day now...and he still hasn't responded. Now this guy is very busy and has told me he blocks everyone out...his mom...me...etc...and early on when we met he told me that he was glad when I kept texting and calling and calling him out on how he blocks me out. He says he is insecure. 

But I'm confused about that last text. I guess I have been so spoiled by my last boyfriend who pretty much held a constant conversation with me ALL day though texts (compared to this). So sure maybe this guy is more distant. But do you have any idea if that last text he sent me might be followed up by something in the next day or so or do you think it sounds like he sent that text to me by accident? I asked if it was meant for me and that I felt silly for asking that but still no reply.

Wouldn't you at least respond and say, "sorry that text was meant for someone else." ? Because...if he really didn't want to hear from me would he have bothered to say, "take care," and, "bye," when he thought he was leaving?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Wow that confused me too, are you sure he really isn't married? Why is he going to rehab for 1 year and then 10 months all why trying to get custody of his kid ? 

Seems shady to me, do you know where he lives? have you met any family members? If so have you gone by his place to see if he is still there, does he have a FB page or something like that?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

His last text was meant for someone else, not you. It sounds like an answer to a question from his mom or perhaps a friend--maybe a question about rehab. It makes no sense as a "stand alone" comment.

Either way, this sounds like a very unhealthy relationship sense he keeps cutting you off and blocking you. Plus he will be gone for the next 10 months.

Time to let this one go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

As sure as I can be. They had a domestic issue when she was pregnant and she left physical marks around his neck and he just lifted her back and plopped her on the couch but she was the one to call the police so he was going through that case and was on probation for it. So then I think he may have broken a rule while on probation (apparently even little things can damage the leniency they give you on probation) and is facing either jail or maybe rehab? I think he may be struggling with alcohol. 

The reason there are so many maybes here is I was married once and although I am a pretty dainty girl I exuded a lot of masculine energy (I think with my head not my heart A LOT and tried to manage/run things) and I think that was part of what destroyed my marriage. 

So I'm trying to do things differently now and so I didn't want this man to have to think about the hard things and things he's ashamed about so I try not to ask him too many questions. I try to just enjoy the time we have together. But now I feel like I've come across as an indifferent dumb head who doesn't care.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> His last text was meant for someone else, not you. It sounds like an answer to a question from his mom or perhaps a friend--maybe a question about rehab. It makes no sense as a "stand alone" comment.
> 
> Either way, this sounds like a very unhealthy relationship sense he keeps cutting you off and blocking you. Plus he will be gone for the next 10 months.
> 
> ...


Okay, I guess the only reason I doubted that was he has sent sort of random stuff before. Like if I turned down his invitations to hang out he would call and say bye or we should just be friends or he was going to come and get his stuff but as soon as he realized I was still interested he was back and involved again. 

He expressed that he liked me a lot and he couldn't figure out why I liked him and said that there was nothing to love. He always apologized and said he's not good at this (relationship). I really fell for him hard and really wanted to meet his little girl and I see that he had a good upbringing and the man is is (making mistakes) is not the man he really is inside.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

laroo said:


> As sure as I can be. They had a domestic issue when she was pregnant and she left physical marks around his neck and he just lifted her back and plopped her on the couch but she was the one to call the police so he was going through that case and was on probation for it. So then I think he may have broken a rule while on probation (apparently even little things can damage the leniency they give you on probation) and is facing either jail or maybe rehab? I think he may be struggling with alcohol.
> 
> The reason there are so many maybes here is I was married once and although I am a pretty dainty girl I exuded a lot of masculine energy (I think with my head not my heart A LOT and tried to manage/run things) and I think that was part of what destroyed my marriage.
> 
> So I'm trying to do things differently now and so I didn't want this man to have to think about the hard things and things he's ashamed about so I try not to ask him too many questions. I try to just enjoy the time we have together. But now I feel like I've come across as an indifferent dumb head who doesn't care.


be careful with that. I'm not saying he definately is, but many abusers will lie and switch places with the victim when retelling to get sympathy.

so it'll go like: He's choking her, she gets her hands up and scratches his neck, he throws her on the sofa. She calls cops.

When he retells it, She scratched his neck for no reason, he throws her on the sofa in self defense, it's all a big misunderstanding/her fault

The way you are so vague about it reads like he was vague about it. Red flag.

even if she is a rare female physical abuser, and it's all true. 10 months is a long time to wait for a 1-2 month old relationship that doesn't seem like either of you are very invested.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> His last text was meant for someone else, not you. It sounds like an answer to a question from his mom or perhaps a friend--maybe a question about rehab. It makes no sense as a "stand alone" comment.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


so...if this last text was for someone else...and he already said bye to me. did I sound like a complete lunatic to assume he was just suddenly talking to me again and to just act like everything was good? I said...okay...it's so nice to hear from you.

That sounds so weird to me now...like I should have just said...okay? I have never felt more crazy and not like myself in my life. It started when I found out this guy would be gone for a long time. 

I have been doing everything I can to not mess things up and make sure he knows I care and I feel like such an idiot like I'm not even being myself and this man that I care about a lot is seeing the most ridiculous version of me that has ever existed. 

Should I write him to clear this up and apologize or just leave it out there all weird? Maybe I could say something funny? I feel so disconnected from him it is so strange.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

sixty-eight said:


> be careful with that. I'm not saying he definately is, but many abusers will lie and switch places with the victim when retelling to get sympathy.
> 
> so it'll go like: He's choking her, she gets her hands up and scratches his neck, he throws her on the sofa. She calls cops.
> 
> ...


I feel really invested but I understand that from his perspective he feels like he needs to get his life on track and he would feel like less of a man to expect me to wait around. 

He said the court recognized that she strangled him and he had bruises/marks that lasted from her hands around his neck. I hear what you are saying. He described it more but being a court case I didn't want to say so much but basically he said he didn't know what to do with a pregnant woman so he showed me how he picked her up and plopped her back. I trust him but I hear you.

I think the judges here favor women a lot (and that seems to make sense for most of the time) but I can also say that I have witnessed just how crazy an angry pregnant woman can be (my former spouse got our employee pregnant before our divorce was finalized and I felt like I was on the Jerry Springer show when I went back to the house to get my things and move out).


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How do you know he is not married? Have you seen a judge's signature and a court clerk's stamp on some divorce papers? How do you know she was the aggressor in the domestic violence episode? Did you read the police report or the court judgment? People lie. Even apparently great people lie. Generally, if a guy is not free to receive communication from a woman and he must be apart from her for long periods of time, but pops back up unexpectedly and briefly, there's another woman and it's probably a wife. If he's divorced there should be a divorce judgment on file with the court. There is a police report related to the Domestic violence and an affidavit that supports the arrest warrant. If he didn't assault the woman, why is he on probation? Nobody is forced to plead guilty. If there were only two people involved and he had offensive marks on his neck, the odds of a jury finding him guilty would be pretty low. If he's married or if he beats on women or violates orders of protection issued by a court, all that would be handy bits of information to know.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Lostme said:


> Wow that confused me too, are you sure he really isn't married? Why is he going to rehab for 1 year and then 10 months all why trying to get custody of his kid ?
> 
> Seems shady to me, do you know where he lives? have you met any family members? If so have you gone by his place to see if he is still there, does he have a FB page or something like that?


Oh yes I have been to his house multiple times. I regret that one of the nights his daughter was there and he invited me over I turned down the invitation. It was really late though and it was early on in our relationship so I was being cautious. I haven't driven by his place lately but I'd feel sort of like a creep doing that uninvited. 

He has shown me his facebook page and I see it still and I see his family and their pages. I'm not friends though so I haven't seen any updates.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ugh, I'm a man and my advice to you.

Run!!!!! As fast as you can in the other direction and never look back.

Too many red flags around this one. There are much better out there without all the baggage.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

laroo said:


> so...if this last text was for someone else...and he already said bye to me. did I sound like a complete lunatic to assume he was just suddenly talking to me again and to just act like everything was good? I said...okay...it's so nice to hear from you.
> 
> That sounds so weird to me now...like I should have just said...okay? I have never felt more crazy and not like myself in my life. It started when I found out this guy would be gone for a long time.
> 
> ...


I have to agree with you, he could have text back and at least say it was meant for someone else.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> How do you know he is not married? Have you seen a judge's signature and a court clerk's stamp on some divorce papers? How do you know she was the aggressor in the domestic violence episode? Did you read the police report or the court judgment? People lie. Even apparently great people lie. Generally, if a guy is not free to receive communication from a woman and he must be apart from her for long periods of time, but pops back up unexpectedly and briefly, there's another woman and it's probably a wife. If he's divorced there should be a divorce judgment on file with the court. There is a police report related to the Domestic violence and an affidavit that supports the arrest warrant. If he didn't assault the woman, why is he on probation? Nobody is forced to plead guilty. If there were only two people involved and he had offensive marks on his neck, the odds of a jury finding him guilty would be pretty low. If he's married or if he beats on women or violates orders of protection issued by a court, all that would be handy bits of information to know.


They got pregnant out of wedlock. He hasn't been married. I trust that. I have seen her facebook page, as well. Her first child was taken from her and is in custody of the first guy she was with. So this is her second child and the guy I have been dating is trying to get custody of his child he had with her. I have also seen the facebook of the other family who has custody of the first child. 

I don't know if I can see police records but I guess what I am saying when I say I trust him is that I trust who he is today and that whatever happened in his past I trust him today. My former spouse broke glass and threw things at me and almost grabbed my neck but I know I pushed his buttons and that didn't make it okay but he's a good man and I don't think he would have ever really hurt me. We just had some major communication issues.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> There is a police report related to the Domestic violence and an affidavit that supports the arrest warrant. *If he didn't assault the woman, why is he on probation?* Nobody is forced to plead guilty. If there were only two people involved and he had offensive marks on his neck, the odds of a jury finding him guilty would be pretty low. If he's married or if he beats on women or violates orders of protection issued by a court, all that would be handy bits of information to know.


The way you responded was fine. The text may have been meant for someone else, but he sent it to you. you casually acknowledged it, no need to double up on that. 

You owe it to yourself if you are planning on waiting 10 months for him to do your research. Vet him sooner, rather than later.

But what is it about him that has you so flustered and second guessing yourself?
From the details you've given us: he has a baby, he is involved in a domestic dispute with his baby mama, he is going to rehab for maybe alcohol but you're not sure.

Hopefully, he has other more appealing characteristics....


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

laroo said:


> Okay, I guess the only reason I doubted that was he has sent sort of random stuff before. Like if I turned down his invitations to hang out he would call and say bye or we should just be friends or he was going to come and get his stuff but as soon as he realized I was still interested he was back and involved again.
> 
> He expressed that he liked me a lot and he couldn't figure out why I liked him and said that there was nothing to love. He always apologized and said he's not good at this (relationship). I really fell for him hard and really wanted to meet his little girl and I see that he had a good upbringing and the man is is (making mistakes) is not the man he really is inside.


You seem to really care for this guy, and I hate to say this but he seems unstable, and sounds like he could be one of those type that give the big guilt trips and grief. I think I would move on instead of waiting around for him.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> Ugh, I'm a man and my advice to you.
> 
> Run!!!!! As fast as you can in the other direction and never look back.
> 
> Too many red flags around this one. There are much better out there without all the baggage.


 aw, well you see what I hadn't mentioned on here is all of the fun and how me cracks me up and makes me have a permanent smile. It only went downhill when he got pulled over for apparently going over a line and not using his turn signal (all hearsay from another driver who called the police which is weird in and of itself). He was just singing and dancing and being silly in the car with me but that opened a can of worms when he got pulled over and I guess I feel sort of guilty for being a part of what got him in trouble while on probation.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

sixty-eight said:


> The way you responded was fine. The text may have been meant for someone else, but he sent it to you. you casually acknowledged it, no need to double up on that.
> 
> You owe it to yourself if you are planning on waiting 10 months for him to do your research. Vet him sooner, rather than later.
> 
> ...





Lostme said:


> You seem to really care for this guy, and I hate to say this but he seems unstable, and sounds like he could be one of those type that give the big guilt trips and grief. I think I would move on instead of waiting around for him.


Can I do research? I don't know if I can get records or if I should just grill him. I don't feel like I'm in a place to do that now. He does have appealing characteristics and I mentioned some of them in the note above. I just love being in his arms and I love his personality. 

And yes early on when I was still cool as a cucumber I was totally saying in my head, "dang this guy is totally trying to manipulate me!" and I was cool and not letting it bother me but as soon as I felt like I was part of him getting in trouble (I was with him when he got pulled over which made his probation anulled or something) and then hearing he'd be gone a while well I just totally lost my cool. My heart just went nuts. 

And do I want someone who treats me like that? I guess I liked the attention and I see past the flaws. We all have flaws and I truly believe he could gain confidence in us. I think the legal stuff has just been a wrench thrown into all of it. 

So I was taking it as a sign from God that I need to take care of ME. So I fall like crazy for a guy and he doesn't break up with me so it's not like I want to move on. He is just taken away from me for 10 months. So I could chose to move on or chose to wait. And in that waiting time I can totally use that to focus on me and my parents and siblings...people I neglect when I'm in a relationship. 

So I'm ready to see what I'm going to do during this time but I keep thinking he's left to heal and grow, himself...hopefully overcoming an addiction...but he sort of keeps popping up and my heart gets all crazy again.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

I guess thinking about it now...I have figured out my main problem. If a guy doesn't want to be with me it is easy for me to walk away. But when I'm not sure if it is the guy's own insecurity holding him back...and if I feel so much love for him and desire to be with him...I guess that is where I feel so confused about how much I need to reassure him. 

I am guessing that the answer is going to be that I need to treat him like a man and not nurture him or reassure him. That if he doesn't feel ready for me, I cannot force it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

laroo said:


> They got pregnant out of wedlock. He hasn't been married. I trust that. I have seen her facebook page, as well. Her first child was taken from her and is in custody of the first guy she was with. So this is her second child and the guy I have been dating is trying to get custody of his child he had with her. I have also seen the facebook of the other family who has custody of the first child.
> 
> I don't know if I can see police records but I guess what I am saying when I say I trust him is that I trust who he is today and that whatever happened in his past I trust him today. My former spouse broke glass and threw things at me and almost grabbed my neck but I know I pushed his buttons and that didn't make it okay but he's a good man and I don't think he would have ever really hurt me. We just had some major communication issues.


I hope you will forgive me for saying so, but you are a domestic violence victim waiting to happen. You not only excused a man's violent outburst but personally took the primary blame for it. None of us know with certainty that someone else will never hurt us and people are responsible for their own actions regardless of how many buttons we push. 

Police records and court records are public records. If the dude is still in probation or some other form of court supervision, the assault didn't happen all that long ago. Spouse abusers tend to gravitate toward a specific kind of partner. I do hope you will be very careful.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Have not read all the responses but do people really go to rehab for a whole year? And then have that downgraded to 10 months? Sounds more likely he's going to jail.....


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I hope you will forgive me for saying so, but you are a domestic violence victim waiting to happen. You not only excused a man's violent outburst but personally took the primary blame for it. None of us know with certainty that someone else will never hurt us and people are responsible for their own actions regardless of how many buttons we push.
> 
> Police records and court records are public records. If the dude is still in probation or some other form of court supervision, the assault didn't happen all that long ago. Spouse abusers tend to gravitate toward a specific kind of partner. I do hope you will be very careful.


Can I get those online or do I have to go to the courthouse or something?


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Have not read all the responses but do people really go to rehab for a whole year? And then have that downgraded to 10 months? Sounds more likely he's going to jail.....


He could be going to jail. It was jail or rehab. I was guessing rehab because it was downgraded and the projected date kept changing but that was me assuming and I really have no idea. I was hoping rehab so he could actually get treated but...then again...some people go in and out of rehabs seemingly forever without healing. 

He hasn't told me the details and I am the kind of person who wants to know everything but after my marriage where I was a know it all I was trying to let this man be a man and I was trying to just be happy with what time we had left so I wasn't asking him questions and bringing up what I knew would make him feel sad. 

But now I feel like I came across as indifferent and inconsiderate for not asking him questions.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

So he's going to be gone for 10 months and you don't know for certain if it's jail or rehab? Any normal guy would have communicated this to you. Time to let this one go and figure out why you were attracted to him in the first place.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Spitfire said:


> So he's going to be gone for 10 months and you don't know for certain if it's jail or rehab? Any normal guy would have communicated this to you. Time to let this one go and figure out why you were attracted to him in the first place.


I guess I was worried that I have not been normal with him. Since my divorce I have been reading SO MUCH relationship advice and I'm afraid I'm applying the wrong rules at the wrong times. 

Like I'm sitting here thinking if I reach out to him I will be giving off masculine energy and that he needs to reach out to me but he could think that I don't care and have been totally inconsiderate that I have not even asked where he is going. 

Do you think it is okay if I ask?


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

Good relationships shouldn't be this much work. You're dating and already have to do public record searches to verify he's not an abuser. You're spending a lot of time "crafting" a text. In good relationships communication just flows in a way that's comfortable to both. There are just too many downsides to continuing to try to force this relationship to work.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

laroo said:


> Can I get those online or do I have to go to the courthouse or something?


Depends on your county. I'd google the county government and follow the links. Criminal court and civil court records are searchable online in my county. You may have to type out a freedom of information act request and actually hand it to a clerk in your county. Either way, the information is available to you. 

There are a number of pay websites that allow you to conduct a criminal history check on folks. It might cost you $40 but if it saves you from marrying or making a kid with the wrong person or it saves you a beating or a homicide, it'd be money well spent.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It looks like you are trying to apply this new relationship information/suggestions to the wrong guy. He is not interested in being open and honest, he is not seeking communication with you. "He's not that into you." 

And this time...it's not you....it's him. 

This relationship is also too new to even have to have these considerations. IF this were a serious life-changing event for him, you'd think he'd sit down with his new girlfriend and explain everything, including the short-term and long-term plans. He'd provide you an address of where he will be and tell you that he hopes you will write or visit. IF it is rehab, he'd share that plan...because it's supposed to be a healing time, making his life better, making him a better man, helping him to get custody of his child. He is communicating NONE of this, which leads one to think that he is going back to jail for violating his probation. 

You can do a google search.... but really, you need to cut and run. This seems to be one of those people who have sooooooooooo much drama and none of it is their fault, and you never get a straight story or a whole story.... just an all-around weirdo. And no, they don't grow out of that. 

Walk away. You haven't invested enough time into this relationship for it to be too serious. Let it go, and move on.

Edited to add: Keep dating....the whole idea of dating is to find someone you are compatible with. Someone who "gets" you and loves you for who you are. BE YOURSELF. If you have a strong personality, there a tons of guys who love that trait. You don't have to tone yourself down for some guy. Be strong, be independent.... and look for a mate who can appreciate that.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

This sounds way too complicated for a two month relationship. It's like you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You're way over thinking. Just move on. It's not like you have years invested or anything.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

This sounds way too complicated for a two month relationship. It's like you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You're way over thinking. Just move on. It's not like you have years invested or anything. Or are you attracted to men with drama?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

HOLY CRAP, WAKE UP!!! Everyone keeps telling you that this is no good and to let it go, and you just keep on and on about how you should have done something different! The only thing you SHOULD do is to GET THIS MAN OUT OF YOUR LIFE!! He is worthless!!


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> This sounds way too complicated for a two month relationship. It's like you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You're way over thinking. Just move on. It's not like you have years invested or anything. Or are you attracted to men with drama?


Well I was attracted to him before the chaos ensued. But the drama has somehow drawn me closer in. And I feel like I have fallen in love with his daughter who he has just shown me pictures of. I guess I have some of my own issues. 

Before I was divorced I was pregnant but it turned out to not be alive (if you've seen the movie Marley and Me it was that kind of moment when you don't see the heartbeat after you were told you were pregnant). So the baby would have been about the same age as his little girl is now. I guess I'm at a point where I don't know if I will be having a kid myself (I just turned 35) and in a way I have decided I'd prefer not to go through that with my body and I just wanted to be his girl and be his little girl's mommy so much!

He initially invited me to church and to meet his daughter and I was holding back but then all of a sudden I just had that feeling like I knew it was right and I decided that this was what I wanted. His insecurity gave me even more desire to show him he is worthy of love he seemed so pleased with me and that felt good. He made me laugh so much and he sings and dances like I only do when nobody is watching. But he often said sorry for no reason and asked if I was mad at him when I wasn't like he was re-living trauma from the past. 

But anyway...right after I was ready to jump in this chaos ensued and here I am.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> HOLY CRAP, WAKE UP!!! Everyone keeps telling you that this is no good and to let it go, and you just keep on and on about how you should have done something different! The only thing you SHOULD do is to GET THIS MAN OUT OF YOUR LIFE!! He is worthless!!


He basically told me he is worthless by saying there is nothing to love about him. 

Where does that leave the girl who feels love for him and wants to love him? When he says there is nothing about him to love is he really just telling me nicely to go away? 

This is the second insecure guy I've been with in a row who tells me that I deserve this and that...that I deserve a guy who gives me flowers every day and a guy who is jacked and stacked...whatever that means. Apparently I give off a lot of sexual energy and guys don't think they satisfy me when really I just want to be plain and simple and have a good man! 

I married someone who was jacked and stacked and egotistical and took pictures of himself in the mirror and we are divorced now and he treated me like crap. I know what I want so how come the past two NORMAL guys I have dated have told me they think they know what I need and they don't feel good enough?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

laroo said:


> Hello. I have been seeing a man since October and here's the short version. He is not married but is going through a custody battle for his 18 month old. To keep this short there were some other things going on and, since we met, he found out he may be going to rehab for a year.
> 
> So I am usually cool as a cucumber but I start pouring out my feelings. So I think he's gone and he texts me one night asking why I went from being crazy about seeing him to nothing and I was like..., "oh, you are home!? I thought you were gone!" So we hang out again a couple of times. He says now it is just going to be 10 months and he's leaving in a week.
> 
> ...





laroo said:


> aw, well you see what I hadn't mentioned on here is all of the fun and how me cracks me up and makes me have a permanent smile. It only went downhill when he got pulled over for apparently going over a line and not using his turn signal (all hearsay from another driver who called the police which is weird in and of itself). He was just singing and dancing and being silly in the car with me but that opened a can of worms when he got pulled over and I guess I feel sort of guilty for being a part of what got him in trouble while on probation.


laroo, you asked for manly advice.

Here is some.

1) Guys who are going into rehab are poor choices for having a healthy relationship with. They are low quality men. You know who date low quality men? Low quality women.

Don't be a woman of low quality.

2) Guys who are going to jail are poor choices for having a healthy relationship with. They are low quality men. You know who date low quality men? Low quality women.

Don't be a woman of low quality.

3) Guys who are either going to jail or rehab, but won't tell you which one, are also dishonest and manipulative, in addition to being low quality men. You know who date low quality, lying, manipulative men? Low quality women who have low self esteem and make bad choices in life.

Don't be one of those women.

4) Guys who are going through custody battles for their 18-month old babies with the baby-mommas that they didn't actually marry in the first place are..... Hmmmm.

Let's see. He lacks the self control to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. He lacks the strength of character to marry the woman he is willing to get pregnant. He lacks the stability to maintain the relationship after birth, such that 18 months later, he is in a custody battle for the child. He lacks the intelligence to know that the legal system is not going to give him custody of the child over the mother. He lacks the foresight to take all the steps necessary to avoid being accused of domestic violence and hauled off to jail. Or, even worse, he actually DID assault his baby momma, and is being punished appropriately.

That you apparently can't be in the middle of all this and make these observations yourself should scare the sh!t out of you.

I think it's really nice that ya'll have a fun time when you're together. It's great that he can sing and dance and almost drive straight all at the same time. 

People don't get arrested for driving sober and swerving across a traffic line. He got pulled over because he was drunk and acting stupid and it showed in his driving.

All of this, taken together, "confuses" you.

There's a very simple reason that all of this is confusing you.

I actually covered it back up in point 3 above. You really don't want to be the kind of woman that you're on track to become.

Get some counseling and some education. Find a better man to have a relationship with. It's harder work than dating drunken violent criminals, but you will have a better life for it, in the long term.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

NotLikeYou said:


> laroo, you asked for manly advice.
> 
> Here is some.
> 
> ...


Wow. Thank you. That all made me laugh and then almost cry from the beginning to the end. In his defense his daughter's mom already lost custody of her first child with someone else and she has a drug problem so I don't think he was nuts trying to rescue his daughter. 

Your advice has struck a chord with me. And yes I have felt like a lunatic and totally out of my head ever since he got arrested that night. When I want something I am used to getting it (and that is awful but I have been learning that about myself...and I'm not pleased realizing it) but I guess part of my struggle is having to let go when I thought this was going to be my next stage in life. I'm a control freak.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> I hope you will forgive me for saying so, but you are a domestic violence victim waiting to happen. You not only excused a man's violent outburst but personally took the primary blame for it. None of us know with certainty that someone else will never hurt us and people are responsible for their own actions regardless of how many buttons we push.


There is no waiting, she was already a domestic violence victim with her exh. I think she got out of that relationship easily on a fluke when her Ex got someone else pregnant. Usually it's hard to get away from men like that.



laroo said:


> I guess I was worried that I have not been normal with him. Since my divorce I have been reading SO MUCH relationship advice and I'm afraid I'm applying the wrong rules at the wrong times.
> 
> Like I'm sitting here thinking if I reach out to him I will be giving off masculine energy and that he needs to reach out to me but he could think that I don't care and have been totally inconsiderate that I have not even asked where he is going.


This whole uncertainty bit? Speaks strongly to the fact that you are a prior victim of spousal abuse that hasn't addressed all her issues yet.



laroo said:


> The reason there are so many maybes here is I was married once and although I am a pretty dainty girl I exuded a lot of masculine energy (I think with my head not my heart A LOT and tried to manage/run things) and I think that was part of what destroyed my marriage.


It was not part of destroying your marriage. Your entitled, selfish exh slept with your employee and knocked her up and chose her. If you had mismatched "energies" then you go to counseling or separate amicably. Not sleep around. That you dealt with domestic violence, manipulation and control is evident in your other threads. Have you been in any IC since then?



laroo said:


> My former spouse broke glass and threw things at me and almost grabbed my neck but I know I pushed his buttons and that didn't make it okay but he's a good man and I don't think he would have ever really hurt me. We just had some major communication issues.


 False false false. Why would him losing his sh!t regularly have anything to do with you? When he has communication issues with other people, does he throw things and lash out? or was it just you. Abusers make you think it's about you. it's not.



laroo said:


> But the drama has somehow drawn me closer in. And I feel like I have fallen in love with his daughter who he has just shown me pictures of. I guess I have some of my own issues.
> 
> Before I was divorced I was pregnant but it turned out to not be alive So the baby would have been about the same age as his little girl is now. I guess I'm at a point where I don't know if I will be having a kid myself (I just turned 35) and in a way I have decided I'd prefer not to go through that with my body and I just wanted to be his girl and be his little girl's mommy so much!
> 
> His insecurity gave me even more desire to show him he is worthy of love he seemed so pleased with me and that felt good. He made me laugh so much and he sings and dances like I only do when nobody is watching. But he often said sorry for no reason and asked if I was mad at him when I wasn't like he was re-living trauma from the past.


You clearly have some leftover issues from your marriage. Get into counseling, do full disclosure to your counselor and hold NOTHING back.

There's a book that really helped me, you might want to check it out. Until you get some help, i'd stop dating. Unbelievable said: "Spouse abusers tend to gravitate toward a specific kind of partner." It's kind of true. Victims of abuse tend to gravitate towards a certain kind of partner too. Get help or you'll just repeat history.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

sixty-eight said:


> Have you been in any IC since then?
> 
> You clearly have some leftover issues from your marriage. Get into counseling, do full disclosure to your counselor and hold NOTHING back.
> 
> Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft


Okay, and thank you for the book recommendation. I went to counseling shortly after I got divorced and had been in counseling before the divorce but I can't afford it at the moment. I did buy the entire collection on having the relationship you want by Rori Raye and listening to her audio feels like listening to a counselor. I guess maybe I need to quit listening to the reconnect your relationship part and start listening to the toxic men part or something though.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

laroo said:


> He basically told me he is worthless by saying there is nothing to love about him.


BELIEVE HIM! 



laroo said:


> Where does that leave the girl who feels love for him and wants to love him? When he says there is nothing about him to love is he really just telling me nicely to go away?


It leaves her with the opportunity to find someone worthwhile! He isn't telling you to go away, he is giving you ample warning that if you stick around, you are going to be used and sh!t on. 



laroo said:


> This is the second insecure guy I've been with in a row who tells me that I deserve this and that...that I deserve a guy who gives me flowers every day and a guy who is jacked and stacked...whatever that means. Apparently I give off a lot of sexual energy and guys don't think they satisfy me when really I just want to be plain and simple and have a good man!


This is NOT a good man. I have had worthless men tell me the same same damn line too. He is NOT a good man. Good men do not do the things this man has done. 




laroo said:


> I married someone who was jacked and stacked and egotistical and took pictures of himself in the mirror and we are divorced now and he treated me like crap. I know what I want so how come the past two NORMAL guys I have dated have told me they think they know what I need and they don't feel good enough?


Believe people when they tell you who they are. Let this man go. Work on yourself so that you can attract the kind of man who is right for you!


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> BELIEVE HIM!
> 
> It leaves her with the opportunity to find someone worthwhile! He isn't telling you to go away, he is giving you ample warning that if you stick around, you are going to be used and sh!t on.
> 
> ...


Phew! Thank you. That felt pretty empowering reading that. I have a track record actually of not believing people when they tell me who they are. I shove it under the rug and want to love and accept them as they are for who they are. And I am capable of doing that. 

But last time I did that with a guy it didn't end up good. He told me he was an alcoholic and I was like..., "pshhh...my granddad was an alcoholic you don't even know what that means!" But boy did I learn that he wasn't kidding. I was cleaning up after him more than my dog (he'd wake up and just pee in the middle of the room) and he would pass out with the oven on or I'd wake up and not be able to find him and he'd be outside laying on the ground. I was engaged to him but it was so much stress that I left before we were married. 

Would you believe that I was raised Southern Baptist and that my parents do not drink or smoke and have never had alcohol in the house? My mom was abused by her alcoholic father though and I do wonder if perhaps I was emotionally abused/manipulated growing up. Clearly it would hurt my parents to hear that but nobody is perfect. I'm just amazed at my track record with these guys I find.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

laroo said:


> Okay, and thank you for the book recommendation. I went to counseling shortly after I got divorced and had been in counseling before the divorce but I can't afford it at the moment. I did buy the entire collection on having the relationship you want by Rori Raye and listening to her audio feels like listening to a counselor. I guess maybe I need to quit listening to the reconnect your relationship part and start listening to the toxic men part or something though.


I'm coming at you from a non judgmental place. I have some experience with domestic violence, and it makes me worry for you because the way you speak of your ex is the same delusional bs that i used to spout.

The common thread in both men seems to be entitled and selfish, which is the root of spousal abuse, whether it is emotional, verbal, physical, sexual.

your first h manipulated and physically hurt/intimidated you. It's evident in your current thought processes, the excuses you make for him, and your old threads.

This new guy only gives out selective information. A guy who really wanted a strong relationship with you would be at full disclosure if he was going away for 10 months and wanted you to be around after. In a committed relationship this is extremely selfish. Either that's the case, or he sees your relationship as more casual. I think you may be having such strong attachments with him bc of your early stillbirth and his daughter and your internal clock, not him specifically. (I'm sorry you had to go through that  )



3Xnocharm said:


> BELIEVE HIM!
> Work on yourself so that you can attract the kind of man who is right for you!


:iagree:

your "picker" has been damaged by prior experience. If you know what is wrong, and can't afford therapy, there are lots of self help resources out there. Read less about relationships and more about yourself  If you go on a know thyself journey, when you can afford IC again your therapy will be more productive.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

laroo said:


> Phew! Thank you. That felt pretty empowering reading that.* I have a track record actually of not believing people when they tell me who they are. I shove it under the rug and want to love and accept them as they are for who they are. And I am capable of doing that.
> *


I will admit that I have done this more times than I care to think of, too. But sometimes things are way more obvious than others, so take this situation as one of those and move on.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Run, run away!

And get some counseling to figure out why you get involved with such losers.

You can do a lot better than him or your ex, but first you have to understand why you have had so much trouble....


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Rehab my ass, he's going to the pokey for 10 months. He thought it was for a year (probably what his lawyer told him) then he actually got sentenced to 10 months. 

PLEASE. Let this one go. I was in a physically abusive relationship with a man who told me the same things your man told you. I wanted to help him. Boy, was that ever to my own detriment. I left him 4 years ago and im still asking myself why I stayed so long. Because I wanted to help him. Im telling you, it's NOT worth it. I know you're thinking, "but the love of a good woman . . ." DON'T believe the hype! 

I say this with not a harsh tone but with respect, but what makes you think you're qualified to help him? His problems are far bigger than you. It'll be a soul suck like you've never lived. He will bring you to a low level of living. You'll end up asking yourself, how the fvck did I get here?! Trust me on this.

Sweetheart, let someone else fix him. Find someone else with waaaay less baggage.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> Rehab my ass, he's going to the pokey for 10 months. He thought it was for a year (probably what his lawyer told him) then he actually got sentenced to 10 months.


Ahh yeah haha the pokey. He said it could be one or the other but hadn't said if he knew yet. I think he's leaving me alone. He's not the kind who wants to keep me waiting around. He's a good guy at heart...has great parents/family/upbringing and he knows better...he's just struggling/broken with alcohol mainly I think. I really hope if he does have to go away that he'll get through this and come out on top, stronger, a better man and back on track. 

I followed some advice on here and looked up the court cases. I never doubted him but everything he said is legit. It looks like he has another trial this Friday and may be trying to dismiss the charges against him so I'll be thinking about him but...like I said...I am figuring our relationship is over. He has not reached out to me in almost a week and that message seemed to be an accidental text to me anyway. 

Thank you so much for the encouragement and the advice. I really would jump right in and be that woman full of heart and love but you are so right...I'm not qualified to fix anyone so I need to at least take a step back and have some expectations of my own.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> be careful with that. I'm not saying he definately is, but many abusers will lie and switch places with the victim when retelling to get sympathy.
> 
> so it'll go like: He's choking her, she gets her hands up and scratches his neck, he throws her on the sofa. She calls cops.
> 
> ...


You may want to retract that narrative. It's not true, and hasn't been so for a very long time. If ever.

That said, OP, I'd recommend leaving him. Sixty-eight was right, doesn't sound like you have much invested in this relationship. Move on. If he comes back around in 10 months as a better man, and you're still single, maybe see how things go. I wouldn't fret over it though.

On second thought, even if he did come back a better guy, don't take him back.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Let this guy go and move on.

You can do better than a guy who's possibly married, getting custody issues sorted out and going to rehab.

Find a man who has none of this going on. Like a guy who's single, works, on his own (rents or owns), and takes care of himself.

Many out there you know. Why settle for this headache?


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Let this guy go and move on.
> 
> You can do better than a guy who's possibly married, getting custody issues sorted out and going to rehab.
> 
> ...


I can't even explain it myself. I've walked away from men multiple times before. Something in my heart just hooked on to this one and I went nuts. Maybe the divorce and then a fairly recent breakup from my first real post-divorce relationship might have me misjudging things and not trusting my own instincts (or pushing them down and wanting love to conquer everything). 

I think what got me super clingy was that he said he blocks people out and he told me to push him and call him and text him but I took it way too far thinking that every time he was quiet I needed to approach him and message him and call him and I went way overboard and...naturally...probably freaked even him (the insecure dude) out. 

When it was getting close to the day he was going to leave for 10 months I asked if we could see each other one more time before he left. He said no. I wish I had just been silent after he said no. Instead I was like, "why..?" It was a text conversation. Have I ever mentioned how much I CAN'T STAND TEXTING when it is about feelings and relationship things that really need the sound of a voice or looking into someone's eyes to really understand? 

So today I wrote him an email just to sort of finalize it. Not that I wouldn't welcome him back if he reached out but I just probably wanted to clear my conscience over how I was acting like a needy child and wish him well. I am going to guess that this email to him wasn't necessary and probably lame of me to even bother writing but I can honestly say I wasn't sending it to try to get a response or to get him back into my life so I think it was okay that I sent it. Do you think this sounds okay and considerate? 

It might seem weird that I ask if it sounds considerate but as I said earlier in this thread...I have been reading so much relationship advice that I feel like my behavior with this guy has been so weird and almost fake and sheltered because I was too worried about doing everything right that I probably came off as indifferent about him as a person. I guess I don't even trust my own words. 

Here is what I wrote. Do I totally come across as a crazy girl? I've never been that girl before but I transformed and turned into a lunatic with this guy! 

Dear (man),

I feel disconnected and want to send my thoughts your way. I am sorry that when you said, "bye," that I didn't listen and kept pressing on when you said, "no."

It felt so good getting to know you. I think of you a lot and smile. I hope you do amazing in everything you are facing. All you do is win!

Duh...

xo


(me)


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