# Should I make a big deal out of this lie?



## Zoey2 (7 mo ago)

Hello everyone, I feel like I am at a huge loss about next steps after catching my husband in what might have been a small lie but might have been a big deal. 

A little context: My husband and I have twin 9 year olds. When they were 1.5 I thought our marriage looked like a fairy tale and was so happy. Unfortunately, one night I kissed my husband on his way out the door for a basketball game and he didn't come home. I found his wedding ring and a note on my bedside table. He didn't pick up calls or texts until I annoyed his best friend so much that he forced him to call me. I was honestly worried that he must be super secretly depressed and in danger. The only warning I may have had prior was that for two weeks, it felt as though we were so busy that we didn't get much time together. Our sex life got off and so did everything else but we were still kind and it felt like we were still very happy. 

We went through rigorous counseling and established what has felt like an even stronger relationship. I have to mention that before we became strong again, it took repeated and aggressive attempts to get him to go to counseling. He left our house more times than I remember during the first several months. 

I read everything I could get my hands on about spousal abandonment and my world was turned upside down with how common this is. Everything I have read states that the one who abandons the other usually is cheating and usually states that they don't know why they did it. My husband swears up and down that he did not have an affair, even an emotional one, nor did he have the desire to. He states he doesn't know why he did it. I am fully aware that he had to have at least flirted with the idea of what an affair would look like during this process, I have no idea if one actually happened. I chose to try to rebuild a life with him knowing this. 

Since that happened, most of the time I feel like I'm walking around on cloud nine with how happy our family has been. However, occasionally I have wondered if he only decided to try because I make significantly more than him and was very vulnerably open with how much I love him and our family. 

To the current question: Over the last week, the atmosphere in our house has reminded me of the atmosphere that was in our house over 8 years ago. We aren't fighting, but things are quieter. Our sex life has suddenly dropped off, he used to text me memes throughout the day and hasn't. We used to hang out in the evenings but lately he has been working out (he is an avid exerciser) and doing his side gig during the evenings (DoorDash). Last night he told me he was going out for a 6.5 mile walk/run. He was gone for four hours and did not pick up numerous phone calls nor respond to numerous texts. After asking him what was up, he reports that he was on the phone with his best friend and was enjoying the conversation so much that he ended up walking over 12 miles. During the phone call he was unable to hear beeps suggesting incoming calls or texts. He also stated that the atmosphere has felt weird over the last week. 

Since I still felt uneasy with his answer, I checked our phone bill today....no calls to or from his best friend during this 4 hour stretch. I asked him about this and he turned white and said, "well, I was facetiming." I told him facetiming appears in call logs and he said nothing. He then said he just got distracted while walking and his phone was on silent (valid excuse, his phone is always on silent, not even vibrate). I asked to see his pedometer....he walked for 1 hour 45 minutes and completed a little over 5 miles. To compensate for the time he said that he ran into one of the kids' teachers and talked for about 30 minutes. I asked about the rest and he said he kept walking but it must have gotten disconnected from the tracker. He didn't have a good answer for why he lied about the phone call or the distance. We have/had such trust in our relationship that I never worry when he is out and about with his DoorDash (I see the income so I know it is happening) or exercise (I also see the results of this). If he had just said he wanted to go sit in a park alone and his phone was on silent I would have dropped it and been happy for him...why lie?

Am I overly worried about this? I just don't know why he would have lied in the first place. 

If I should worry...what now? Do I keep asking questions or wait for him to come to me to talk about this?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Zoey2 said:


> Hello everyone, I feel like I am at a huge loss about next steps after catching my husband in what might have been a small lie but might have been a big deal.
> 
> A little context: My husband and I have twin 9 year olds. When they were 1.5 I thought our marriage looked like a fairy tale and was so happy. Unfortunately, one night I kissed my husband on his way out the door for a basketball game and he didn't come home. I found his wedding ring and a note on my bedside table. He didn't pick up calls or texts until I annoyed his best friend so much that he forced him to call me. I was honestly worried that he must be super secretly depressed and in danger. The only warning I may have had prior was that for two weeks, it felt as though we were so busy that we didn't get much time together. Our sex life got off and so did everything else but we were still kind and it felt like we were still very happy.
> 
> ...


You should be worried about it because for whatever reason he feels like he needs to lie to you. It could be something more innocent, like just needing time to himself, or it could be something like an affair. 

It's not necessarily an affair though. There are probably many possible reasons why he did what he did. He isn't going to admit to an affair though, if he is having one. You may want to drop it and investigate that, because probing him too much may just make him hide things further. If nothing turns up, nothing turns up. 

Also, his story about not knowing why he left 7.5 years ago is a load of horse poo. He knows what he was thinking at the time. It might not make sense now and it might be stupid AF, but he knows. You went through rigorous counseling and that was never addressed properly?


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

It really sounds like he might just be trying to get away from time to time to have some time for himself. After reading your post, it sounds like you are constantly on his case and rarely allow him any alone time. Or if you do, you are constantly calling and texting.

I have a friend who is married to a lady who doesn't give him any alone time. I imagine the poor guy probably can't even spend ten minutes on the toilet without her knocking on the door and yelling his name..... I took him fishing on the boat once at 7 in the morning. By 10am, she starts texting to find out when he will be home 😂. By 11am, she is calling! He then looks at me with a pitiful look and says, don't you hate it when she does this? I say, my wife doesn't do that 😁. He responds in disbelief and says, so you are telling me you could come home at dark and she wouldn't be mad??? I said nope 😂


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## Zoey2 (7 mo ago)

bobert said:


> You should be worried about it because for whatever reason he feels like he needs to lie to you. It could be something more innocent, like just needing time to himself, or it could be something like an affair.
> 
> It's not necessarily an affair though. There are probably many possible reasons why he did what he did. He isn't going to admit to an affair though, if he is having one. You may want to drop it and investigate that, because probing him too much may just make him hide things further. If nothing turns up, nothing turns up.
> 
> Also, his story about not knowing why he left 7.5 years ago is a load of horse poo. He knows what he was thinking at the time. It might not make sense now and it might be stupid AF, but he knows. You went through rigorous counseling and that was never addressed properly?


Thank you so much! I know his excuse was BS, I just chose to try anyway for our kiddos. I will drop it and wait for more signs or home to talk. I really appreciate your response!


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## Zoey2 (7 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> It really sounds like he might just be trying to get away from time to time to have some time for himself. After reading your post, it sounds like you are constantly on his case and rarely allow him any alone time. Or if you do, you are constantly calling and texting.
> 
> I have a friend who is married to a lady who doesn't give him any alone time. I imagine the poor guy probably can't even spend ten minutes on the toilet without her knocking on the door and yelling his name..... I took him fishing on the boat once at 7 in the morning. By 10am, she starts texting to find out when he will be home 😂. By 11am, she is calling! He then looks at me with a pitiful look and says, don't you hate it when she does this? I say, my wife doesn't do that 😁. He responds in disbelief and says, so you are telling me you could come home at dark and she wouldn't be mad??? I said nope 😂


Thank you for the reply. Ironically, it’s the opposite, I work more and come home to make dinner/clean while he goes out for at least an hour every night. I don’t ever say anything and usually don’t call. I haven’t seen my best friend in over two months because he always, “needs,” me at home. I called because I had been missing him and intentionally stayed awake to hang out. It was after midnight before he got home. I got worried after he didn’t respond for another hour and then called repeatedly. I dropped it and sent a few texts.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Zoey2 said:


> Thank you so much! I know his excuse was BS, I just chose to try anyway for our kiddos. I will drop it and wait for more signs or home to talk. I really appreciate your response!


His excuses are beyond BS. It is an insult to your intelligence that he even tried them (multiple layers of them!) Sure, there could be other reasons he did this besides cheating, but 99.89% sure none of them are innocent. He sure as hell didn’t leave his wedding ring and abandon his wife and twin babies because he needed some “alone time”. They say to trust your gut, and having gone through the cheating thing twice I can tell you it was never wrong and I kicked myself for ignoring it. I can also tell you that stepping back, stop asking questions and investigating is the way to go. I was never able to control myself long enough to do that. I would hire a PI honestly if you can afford it.

Finding nothing in your investigation doesn’t mean you have no problems. You have a husband that is willing to lie and double down with multiple replacement lies. I can tell from what you have posted that you are going to stay no matter what - so suggestion #2 is to get him into individual therapy, not couples counseling. He is either cheating or conflict avoidant to the point he needs to lie about simple things that a grown man would not.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Zoey2 said:


> I haven’t seen my best friend in over two months because he always, “needs,” me at home.


Could you clarify what he feels he "needs"? I guess I find it confusing that he wants you at home, yet he disappears for hours and his whereabouts is unknown. Granted, he might just need some space, but to lie about it when you ask .... well, all I can say is something doesn't add up to me.


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## Zoey2 (7 mo ago)

Bluesclues said:


> His excuses are beyond BS. It is an insult to your intelligence that he even tried them (multiple layers of them!) Sure, there could be other reasons he did this besides cheating, but 99.89% sure none of them are innocent. He sure as hell didn’t leave his wedding ring and abandon his wife and twin babies because he needed some “alone time”. They say to trust your gut, and having gone through the cheating thing twice I can tell you it was never wrong and I kicked myself for ignoring it. I can also tell you that stepping back, stop asking questions and investigating is the way to go. I was never able to control myself long enough to do that. I would hire a PI honestly if you can afford it.
> 
> Finding nothing in your investigation doesn’t mean you have no problems. You have a husband that is willing to lie and double down with multiple replacement lies. I can tell from what you have posted that you are going to stay no matter what - so suggestion #2 is to get him into individual therapy, not couples counseling. He is either cheating or conflict avoidant to the point he needs to lie about simple things that a grown man would not.


Fair assessments! Lol I swore I would never be a woman that stays with someone that doesn’t treat them right, I hope olive up to that. Truly I hope he just made a stupid mistake and comes to apologize.
I’m definitely going to try to take the wait and see approach. I will look for warnings. I’m nervous about hiring a PI or violating his privacy because I know that could wreck any trust if his mistake was really just a mistake.


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## Zoey2 (7 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> Could you clarify what he feels he "needs"? I guess I find it confusing that he wants you at home, yet he disappears for hours and his whereabouts is unknown. Granted, he might just need some space, but to lie about it when you ask .... well, all I can say is something doesn't add up to me.


I hear ya, reading my posts is making me feel a bit ignorant. When I say he “needs,” me, it is complicated. He will encourage me to make plans when I say that I would like to have some time with friends. However, it never fails that when the day/time arrives he makes a big deal out of how inconvenient it is. If I made plans, I go, I just feel guilty and then get to deal with a sulky husband. When I bring this issue up, he apologizes and is better for a while but then slips back.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Sometimes we jump to conclusions here pretty quickly. However, you have a problem. It may not be an affair, but it sure smells like one. You need to start an investigation. There are many posts here on what you can do.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I smell something more sinister than an average affair.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Zoey2 said:


> I hear ya, reading my posts is making me feel a bit ignorant. When I say he “needs,” me, it is complicated. He will encourage me to make plans when I say that I would like to have some time with friends. However, it never fails that when the day/time arrives he makes a big deal out of how inconvenient it is. If I made plans, I go, I just feel guilty and then get to deal with a sulky husband. When I bring this issue up, he apologizes and is better for a while but then slips back.


your husband is being a spoiled brat! Stop being so understanding!
HE has all of his time to do what he likes to do - why don’t you have time 4-5 days a week when HE takes the burdens at home? Like cooking and cleaning and kids stuff?
Then he disappears for a VERY extended period of time and lies and lies about it?

why aren’t YOU flaming mad? He’s mistreating you! And you earn more money! Kick his behind and tell him to grow the F up!

Mira time HE stop being so selfish and self centered!!! And IF he intends to continue acting single instead of BEING YOUR PARTNER - the. Divorce him based on non performance!

stop being so “understanding”! He’s using you because you are allowing it!

start scheduling time every week out - so YOU get a break! 😡


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Zoey2 said:


> Fair assessments! Lol I swore I would never be a woman that stays with someone that doesn’t treat them right, I hope olive up to that. Truly I hope he just made a stupid mistake and comes to apologize.
> I’m definitely going to try to take the wait and see approach. I will look for warnings. I’m nervous about hiring a PI or violating his privacy because I know that could wreck any trust if his mistake was really just a mistake.


Hire the PI!
There is no trust - because he ruined it with lies upon lies! 
and sift through that phone bill! Look at everything! 
he’s lying!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP,
Haven’t you had your head in the sand for long enough? Find out what he’s up to!

Quite clearly he is up to no good.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Not bothering.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I don't know, I'd like to hear the husbands side. OP, you stated that while he was out on his 6.5 mile run/walk he didn't answer numerous calls and texts? Why all the calls and texts? I'm wondering what else you do and if you may be pushing him away and if so, have you always been this way? Sounds a bit smothering. Maybe he was making up stories to cover the fact that he just didn't want to answer you, have some time to himself. How would you have reacted to finding out you were being ignored? I'm guessing badly and he didn't want to argue. Hard to know but would really like to hear his side.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Zoey2 said:


> I dropped it and sent a few texts.


Because one isn't sufficient? Admittedly, I am not a texter and admittedly all of that constant contact would have me driving myself straight to Bellevue to take advantage of their stay-ca plan. People need to get a grip.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

He's definitely a liar. Sounds like he spun several in this one instances. The question is why. It seems some here are trying to shift blame to you. That you are on him too much or something. Well, if my spouse had left their ring and a note on the nightstand then disappeared I would always be wondering about them from that day forward, to eternity. It may be you are overbearing with needing to know where he is, but it doesn't change the fact that he is a liar. I can't believe no one suggested a polygraph yet. At this point you really have no idea what he was doing during those 4 hours since the story has already changed a couple times.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It is obvious she is driving the relationship and he is trying to run away from it. She is obliviously happy and he is lying his ass off to save his sanity.


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## Zoey2 (7 mo ago)

Thank you all so much, I have really appreciated your responses. I think I may have gotten the truth last night.

I have been asking him to step up and help with some of the chores lately. He made dinner for the family two nights ago but it happened to land on a night the kids hd a planned pizza party play date. So we we didn’t eat hos He has been feeling like his efforts aren’t recognized. Everyday after I get off work, the kids/house keep me busy until they are in bed. I typically count our evenings as together time and chill time. So I spend quite a bit of time on my phone in the evenings. It sounds like he has felt like I would rather be on my phone than with him. We also have very different parenting styles and both of us have things we disagree with the other on this issue. He has been feeling like I micromanage his parenting.

He was mad about the dinner/play date and an accumulation of miscommunication errors and was thinking about divorce. He says he saw and ignored my texts.
It does feel like I got the whole truth. Neither one of us knows what will happen from here but I’m glad to have the whole truth.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Zoey2 said:


> Thank you all so much, I have really appreciated your responses. I think I may have gotten the truth last night.
> 
> I have been asking him to step up and help with some of the chores lately. He made dinner for the family two nights ago but it happened to land on a night the kids hd a planned pizza party play date. So we we didn’t eat hos He has been feeling like his efforts aren’t recognized. Everyday after I get off work, the kids/house keep me busy until they are in bed. I typically count our evenings as together time and chill time. So I spend quite a bit of time on my phone in the evenings. It sounds like he has felt like I would rather be on my phone than with him. We also have very different parenting styles and both of us have things we disagree with the other on this issue. He has been feeling like I micromanage his parenting.
> 
> ...


Youve got a guy that CONSTANTLY considers divorce from you, lies constantly, has almost daily unexplained time—— and you think you have “the whole truth”????????????

Do you see any mental health professionals?
It would seem from what you’ve written of your behavior that there’s something strange going on with you.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Get a polygraph! You have no idea what the truth is at this point. 
he lies way too much to buy ANY story!
Have you two ever done extensive counseling together?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Zoey2 said:


> I think I may have gotten the truth last night.


I don't think so.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Never mind, I wouldn’t bother with a ‘guy’ (child) who avoids conflict and responsibility by running away and hiding - that’s not a partner!

and then he lies and lies about it? No way, no thank you! You aren’t married to an adult!


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s cheating and lying.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The only thing I know for sure, is that the two of you are not compatible.
He does not enjoy your company.

I would love to know what he was doing, and is doing, when separate from you.

He certainly was not _twiddling_ his thumbs.
No.

If he was not with another lady lover, then.....
Could he be _twiddling_ another man's penis?

This is one of those hunches, yes, a WAG.


_Lilith-_


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Not said:


> I don't know, I'd like to hear the husbands side. OP, you stated that while he was out on his 6.5 mile run/walk he didn't answer numerous calls and texts? Why all the calls and texts? I'm wondering what else you do and if you may be pushing him away and if so, have you always been this way? Sounds a bit smothering. Maybe he was making up stories to cover the fact that he just didn't want to answer you, have some time to himself. How would you have reacted to finding out you were being ignored? I'm guessing badly and he didn't want to argue. Hard to know but would really like to hear his side.


That doesn't explain the stories he made up about where he was and what he was doing. He came home after midnight. The responses were non-sensical. Hardly a way to avoid arguing. 

Far more likely he made up those stupid stories because he flat out did not want you to know where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Zoey2 said:


> Thank you all so much, I have really appreciated your responses. I think I may have gotten the truth last night.
> 
> I have been asking him to step up and help with some of the chores lately. He made dinner for the family two nights ago but it happened to land on a night the kids hd a planned pizza party play date. So we we didn’t eat hos He has been feeling like his efforts aren’t recognized. Everyday after I get off work, the kids/house keep me busy until they are in bed. I typically count our evenings as together time and chill time. So I spend quite a bit of time on my phone in the evenings. It sounds like he has felt like I would rather be on my phone than with him. We also have very different parenting styles and both of us have things we disagree with the other on this issue. He has been feeling like I micromanage his parenting.
> 
> ...


you have no idea if you have the truth. the whole truth. part of the truth. any of the truth.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Never believe you really do have the truth when dealing with someone like him.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You seem to make excuses for his bad behavior - or at minimum… justifying his way of not participating with the family and ALL the responsibilities that come with lots of kids/working etc.
I Would simply say to him “IF you don’t intend to be a PART of this family/home life - then get out now!” “Start doing your part!”


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

uwe.blab said:


> That doesn't explain the stories he made up about where he was and what he was doing. He came home after midnight. The responses were non-sensical. Hardly a way to avoid arguing.
> 
> Far more likely he made up those stupid stories because he flat out did not want you to know where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing.


And he may be so far gone from this marriage, so detached, that he just doesn’t care. Lying doesn’t make you a cheater.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Not said:


> And he may be so far gone from this marriage, so detached, that he just doesn’t care. Lying doesn’t make you a cheater.


yeah, but we don't know. And neither does she. Because he chose to tell stories. If he didn't care he would have told the truth.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

When there is nothing to hide - people hide nothing.
Looks like he’s hiding a whole lot!
Heck, you can’t even believe that he does his night time job when he says he needs to be there.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Zoey2 said:


> I found his wedding ring and a note on my bedside table. He didn't pick up calls or texts until I annoyed his best friend so much that he forced him to call me.


I hate to question the authenticity of your story, but ^^this^^ makes me wonder. You haven't mentioned what the note said. Also, it strikes me as strange that you would take him back after he left his wedding ring behind and ghosted you. I mean, the guy IS your husband, but this incident alone sounds pretty extreme to me. Yet you have stayed with him.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

uwe.blab said:


> yeah, but we don't know. And neither does she. Because he chose to tell stories. If he didn't care he would have told the truth.


Not necessarily. We know nothing about how these things go between the two of them. He may be worn down and avoiding any confrontation with her at all costs. Of course that’s just me guessing but that’s all all of us are doing here on this thread.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Well someone who avoids conflict sucks to deal with because nothing ever comes to light/much less gets resolved! It makes it frustrating and hopeless!


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Not said:


> Not necessarily. We know nothing about how these things go between the two of them. He may be worn down and avoiding any confrontation with her at all costs. Of course that’s just me guessing but that’s all all of us are doing here on this thread.


What we do know is that he made up some complete lies when she simply asked where he had been-- a legitimate question when your spouse takes of for 7 hours and shows up after midnight.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

uwe.blab said:


> What we do know is that he made up some complete lies when she simply asked where he had been-- a legitimate question when your spouse takes of for 7 hours and shows up after midnight.


and a completely inadequate scenario no matter where he was!
When something like that happens - any spouse is thinking maybe the had an accident/hospitalized etc.
And then more lies after that.
This guy is completely cruel to you!

why aren’t YOU flaming mad at him?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Your husband got so pissed about dinner he considered divorce? Yet he’s gone for hours and you feel that’s justifiable in some way? Something is going on.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your husband is a jackass. File for divorce and take him for everything he has. Why are you tolerating being treated like this??


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Leeame (Apr 13, 2021)

Zoey2 said:


> Thank you all so much, I have really appreciated your responses. I think I may have gotten the truth last night.
> 
> I have been asking him to step up and help with some of the chores lately. He made dinner for the family two nights ago but it happened to land on a night the kids hd a planned pizza party play date. So we we didn’t eat hos He has been feeling like his efforts aren’t recognized. Everyday after I get off work, the kids/house keep me busy until they are in bed. I typically count our evenings as together time and chill time. So I spend quite a bit of time on my phone in the evenings. It sounds like he has felt like I would rather be on my phone than with him. We also have very different parenting styles and both of us have things we disagree with the other on this issue. He has been feeling like I micromanage his parenting.
> 
> ...


You said you didn't feel like you got the whole truth and then you said you were glad you got the whole truth. 
Sounds like you both need to set regular weekly check ins where you discuss together everything the family has going on that week so that time, chores, free time and dinner duty are delegated and everyone knows what to do and expect. Schedule two nights a week for him to go out, two nights a week for you to have some time and one family night and one date night for you guys to focus on each other. 
Healthy happy relationships are not made by going through the motions and waiting for the time to focus on it. They are made by making it a priority and intentionally scheduling quality time to enrich it. 
You both have to feel like you are valued and supported. You both have to want to be together. You both have a responsibility to make moves that create gains. 
A lot of times we behave as if we are victims of our lives and at the mercy of others and setbacks. 
You have a tremendous amount of power and capability to decide what kind of life you want and then take the necessary steps to get there. You can say that you are not going to settle for just getting by. You can say that you are worthy of love and happiness and you alone are responsible for making sure you are getting what you deserve. 

I believe we teach others how to treat us by what we allow. You have helped create this situation and you can definitely help recreate it. 
You have a lot of patience and compassion and that is a beautiful thing. Sit down with your husband and hold hands. Tell him you want your family to be close and happy and you need his help with that. Listen to him and don't interrupt. Help him realize he is safe with you and he can be honest. While his behaviors are not ideal, they do seem to be rooted in an attempt to be safe. 
It sounds like he might have some untreated mental health issues as well that result in him shutting down and avoiding the issue. 

I think you can do this and I think with or without him you are a strong hardworking woman and you will be able to make a great life for yourself and your children. 

Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

As the OP hasn't been back in many months, Zombie Cat hopes all is well with them. But the thread is still being closed.


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