# Surprise separation



## justalittlelost (Aug 5, 2015)

My husband and I have been together for five years, married for three and a half. Out of the blue a couple of weeks ago, he came downstairs and told me he wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore. He loves me, finds me attractive, but isn't sure he wants to be married. His heart is telling him it's time to move on. We just bought a house, and I'm five months pregnant. He's living with a friend of ours and asked for three months of separation to decide whether or not he wants to be married. We're seeing a counselor, but she won't offer any advice right now - she's just asking questions. He's not cheating - he's not that kind of guy. But it feels like he's emotionally really separated himself from me. I'm not sure whether we should keep in contact, go on a date once a week or so so that we can be together in a low-pressure kind of way, whether I should stop talking to him altogether, or what. I love him and miss him desperately but don't want him to feel like I'm chasing him, since he asked me for space. How do I handle this? I've got a sinking fear that he's just looking for a way out, that he's not seeing this as a way to repair our marriage, which is what I'm trying fervently to do.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Let him go. Begging is unattractive, and while you don't think he's cheating there's actually a good chance he is. That's why he wants three months, so can see if there's anything there with his gf and he can still keep you as plan b.

I know it's counterintuitive but taking a hard line is the best way to save a marriage if it can be saved. Letting him dither and make all the decisions makes you look weak and like you're not something to be valued.

File for divorce NOW and if he tries to come back put your own stipulations on it. It's a special kind of scumbag that walks out on a pregnant wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
He dates you for 1 1/2 years, marries you for and additional 3 1/2 years, impregnates you and NOW says he wants to move on and isn't sure he wants to be married? How old is this gentleman? He could not decide in 4 years and 7 months that he did not want to be married? He had to involve and innocent child first, make that two children counting him.

You should not have to beg or chase or any such thing. You simply tell him that he made a commitment, he planted his seed and now he has to face the responsibility, that's what men do. He either will step up like a man and become one or he will run like a child. If he runs be sure he supports his child, don't let him skate on that as well, then you find a real man to be husband and father. I rarely advocate D but he does not seem much like husband/father material. Good fortune to you.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Please take lifeistooshort's advice to heart. I wish I'd done what she said when my husband of 25 years seemingly out of nowhere announced he wanted to separate last October but didn't want to rush in to a divorce, swearing there was no one else - he just wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted to move on with his life. I didn't think he was that kind of guy, either. 9 months later, our divorce was final on July 29, and he's planning to spend the rest of his life with the other woman I found out about in February. He started seeing her last September.

And yes, it is a special kind of scumbag who leaves a pregnant wife. Allow yourself to be furious about that - you really should be.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

When I read posts like this I always think the issue is one of two things. Either the sex is crappy or non-existent, or he's cheating. Or both. From what I can tell it's fairly rare for a man who is getting his needs met to leave without someone else waiting in the wings.


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## justalittlelost (Aug 5, 2015)

Good but rare, which is an issue - and which I know. I've been making more of an effort recently. But that actually doesn't help me in the sense that at this point, I don't know what I need to do. I'm willing to fix the issues and do what it takes to support him, but I'm not sure what the best course of action - literally - is right now. When he drops by the house to pick up the vacuum or whatever, how do I interact with him? When we're not together, do I keep in anything resembling contact and try to work out what's going on? Do we see each other for dates ever? What's the best option here? He's not a bad guy - he really isn't. He's my best friend. I just...didn't know anything was wrong.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Please read lifeistooshort's and NoChoice's posts again. It's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth and exactly what you should do.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

He should have been mature enough to talk to you about the sex issue but for him to separate so swiftly it sounds like there is another woman.
I hope not.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Here is a link that might help you on the 180:

The 180 | AFFAIRCARE

Sorry this has happened, you have been given some good advice already. Do you have family close by to support you?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

tom67 said:


> He should have been mature enough to talk to you about the sex issue but for him to separate so swiftly it sounds like there is another woman.
> I hope not.


Except she says she knew it was an issue, so maybe he did talk with her about it. I wish more guys would just bolt when the sex drops off....I wish I had all those years ago.

As to what to do now, I guess it depends on if that's the real issue or if it's something (or someone) else. A real heart to heart talk and some contrition would be a step in the right direction.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Justalittle So sorry this is happening now it really sucks. I must say either he is cheating (even if he's not the type) or the pressure of being a father has gotten to him. But I agree if he ever is going to come back act like you dont need him and go on with ur life even if you break down after he leaves. Men dont like needy women and they tend to raise the stakes just to see how far they will go. I wish you the best.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Except she says she knew it was an issue, so maybe he did talk with her about it. I wish more guys would just bolt when the sex drops off....I wish I had all those years ago.
> 
> As to what to do now, I guess it depends on if that's the real issue or if it's something (or someone) else. A real heart to heart talk and some contrition would be a step in the right direction.


:iagree:
We shall see.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

justalittlelost said:


> Good but rare, which is an issue - and which I know. I've been making more of an effort recently. But that actually doesn't help me in the sense that at this point, I don't know what I need to do. I'm willing to fix the issues and do what it takes to support him, but I'm not sure what the best course of action - literally - is right now. When he drops by the house to pick up the vacuum or whatever, how do I interact with him? When we're not together, do I keep in anything resembling contact and try to work out what's going on? Do we see each other for dates ever? What's the best option here? He's not a bad guy - he really isn't. He's my best friend. I just...didn't know anything was wrong.


I know you are hurting and every woman wants her husband to be there and supportive especially during pregnancy. Replace him with family and friends, share the process of your pregnancy with a good friend or family memeber who will be there for you.
I agree with someone else who said you must play hardball.

Do the 180 on him and start living your life as if he is not coming back.
File for divorce, do not be his plan B, show him that you are willing to move on past him. If he doesn't come back he was not worth having in the first place. You will meet someone who is worthy of your love.
Get your family, his family, friends and colleagues on board, tell them what he has done, he needs to be exposed (esp if he has someone else). If his behaviour is exposed to others, he will think more deeply about how ****ty he is being.

Take care of your health and unborn child, that is the most important thing right now.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Incidentally, if sex was an issue in the marriage, then he should have had more balls, dealt with it and not walk out while she was pregnant, that says a lot about his character.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

justalittlelost said:


> My husband and I have been together for five years, married for three and a half. Out of the blue a couple of weeks ago, he came downstairs and told me he wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore. He loves me, finds me attractive, but isn't sure he wants to be married. His heart is telling him it's time to move on. We just bought a house, and I'm five months pregnant. He's living with a friend of ours and asked for three months of separation to decide whether or not he wants to be married. We're seeing a counselor, but she won't offer any advice right now - she's just asking questions. *He's not cheating - he's not that kind of guy.* But it feels like he's emotionally really separated himself from me. I'm not sure whether we should keep in contact, go on a date once a week or so so that we can be together in a low-pressure kind of way, whether I should stop talking to him altogether, or what. I love him and miss him desperately but don't want him to feel like I'm chasing him, since he asked me for space. How do I handle this? I've got a sinking fear that he's just looking for a way out, that he's not seeing this as a way to repair our marriage, which is what I'm trying fervently to do.


Your world is about to be rocked.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I can imagine two possibilities. #1. The notion of fatherhood has put the zap on his head. It's dawning on him that his life will be forever changed and he's having trouble adjusting. #2. There's another woman. I'd be much more inclined to go with #2. He might be Clark Kent but he's still human and any human can be tempted. How long ago did you buy the house? Is this his first child? Any other recent major changes in his life? When did you start noticing him emotionally withdrawing? What was his reaction when he learned you were pregnant?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Your "husband" is a wishy-washy, weak, lily-livered [email protected]! A very peculiar breed of [email protected]/ As others have told you he decides this after impregnating you and then walking out !?!?! 

Now the chances are high that he is cheating and looking for his "freedom" again. The number of people who come on this forum and tell us that their other half isn't really a cheating kind of person! Do not fully believe this - you don't really know him (else you would not have married him in the first place).

As others have said issue him with divorce papers, make sure he is not off the hook for alimony but mainly child support. Do not act needy or anything like that - let him go and get on with your life, starting with consulting an attorney to protect yourself, filing for divorce and doing the 180.

I wish you the best and hope you go on to find someone worthy of you.

Take care.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

I know of a guy who just moved on. No other woman, he was just done with the marriage. So it does happen, even if rare. 
In your case OP I would move on. Take him for all that you can and begin a new life.

There are lots of good guys out there who would happily date and marry a single mother. You are actually not in a bad position. Get rid of the POS husband you have now and get a new one.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Maybe he is just trying to run from responsibility. That isn't so rare... Not rare at all...

Now running from responsibilities that took over 7 years of investment... That is rare, only because it requires a level of cowardness that most women wouldn't waste 7 years on.


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## inhope (Nov 17, 2010)

I am in the "other woman" camp too. 
Men straying whilst their wife is pregnant is not uncommon.

New house, new baby, loads of commitment, not feeling particularly into you, LTR gone a bit stale. 
Along comes someone who understands, who is fun, who has no baggage, or he is just dreaming of that woman and so he sees you as a trapper, so he runs from you.
But he is a coward, so he doesn't tell you there is no hope in Hell of coming back, or he is keeping you hanging on in case his escape to freedom doesn't work out quite as well as he hopes.

DO NOT believe he is NOT seeing other people and he is merely working on his marriage, some men see a separation as a means to see and sleep with other women whilst keeping the wife as plan B and a safety net 
Unless you you have both specifically agreed you will NOT see other people and this is merely "space", then do not assume he will remain faithful to you.

A man who leaves his pregnant wife high and dry, is not really a man you need in your life, he is not a man you can rely on. I agree with the others. Get your ducks in a row and File ASAP.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*With extremely rare exception, these "trial separations" do not usually bode well for the passive partner, as more often than not, the wayward partner is most often making use of it as a device "to play the field" without his spouse knowing the first damned thing about it! ~ Out of sight, out of mind ~ And as far as being a victim of that scurrilous ploy? Been there and done that!

Do "the 180" on him immediately; get yourself checked out for the presence of STD's, and get yourself to your lawyer's office immediately to discuss your legal rights!
*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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