# Another Blow



## Broken inside (Apr 28, 2020)

So 3 years ago my husband comes home and we are talking about his day. He mentions something about how a woman he works with handles visitation with her children and their dad. My first response was wait, I've never even heard of this woman, why does she feel so comfy to talk to you about this. He blew it off. As time progressed, more and more red flags, to make a long story short I later found messages between them with nudes, and very intimate conversations. We worked through it, I love this man, so I forgave. I still hurt, and trust is hard. 4 months ago I found a secret email address with messages from other women from a dating site. Again, we moved on him promising it would never happen again. Tonight I pick up his phone and while there are no messages I could find, he has posted 3 videos of himself, on a porn dating site. I'm at a loss. He tells me I'm insecure and flips it to me being wrong for going through his phone. I do t know how to feel. I've been in abusive relationships my entire life, and over all he is good to me. But this is a hard pill to swallow. I dont know what to do.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

So far you’ve caught him three times and that’s only the times you have caught him. It’s time to talk to a lawyer I’m afraid. And by the way he is not “good to you “.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Broken inside said:


> So 3 years ago my husband comes home and we are talking about his day. He mentions something about how a woman he works with handles visitation with her children and their dad. My first response was wait, I've never even heard of this woman, why does she feel so comfy to talk to you about this. He blew it off. As time progressed, more and more red flags, to make a long story short I later found messages between them with nudes, and very intimate conversations. We worked through it, I love this man, so I forgave. I still hurt, and trust is hard. 4 months ago I found a secret email address with messages from other women from a dating site. Again, we moved on him promising it would never happen again. Tonight I pick up his phone and while there are no messages I could find, he has posted 3 videos of himself, on a porn dating site. I'm at a loss. He tells me I'm insecure and flips it to me being wrong for going through his phone. I do t know how to feel. I've been in abusive relationships my entire life, and over all he is good to me. But this is a hard pill to swallow. I dont know what to do.


When i found out that my husband was cheating, I collected a lot of evidence before confronting him. He tried to make me feel quality for doing that. He even told me that he was shocked that i would snoop and he would never trust me again. My reply to him was that he could always trust me. He can trust that I will always do what I have to do to protect myself and my son. He never tried a lay that guilt trip on me again. Do not let your husband play that game.

You don't know how to feel? I think that anger and hurt is a good place to start.

He's cheating and thinks he can just blow you off by trying to make you feel insecure.

How long have you been married to him? Do you have children?

You have no reason for felling bad about doing things like checking on him. I posted some links here for you about the "Privacy Policy" and the "Policy of Radical Honesty". These are policies for a healthy marriage.

Privacy in marriage is closing the bathroom door when you use the toilet. Everything else in marriage should to open to each other. You have every right to check thinks like his cell phone, computer, etc. This is especially true since he has a history of infidelity and lying. He has proven himself to be not trustworthy.






Privacy Policy : Marriage Builders, Inc.


Marriage Builders®, Inc. does not and will not use information about where you go on our web site, nor give that data out to third parties. We may collect traffic patterns in order to improve the...




www.marriagebuilders.com





The policy of Radical Honesty means basically what it says. A couple needs to be radically honest with each other to maintain a healthy marriage.. He's not doing that and you have every right to upset about it.






The Policy of Radical Honesty : Marriage Builders, Inc.


Honesty and Openness is one of the ten most important emotional needs identified in marriage, which means that when it's met, it can trigger the feeling of love. But it's counterpart, dishonesty,...




www.marriagebuilders.com





So now what do you do? Do you want to try to save this marriage? Or do you think you want to end it?

I do agree with Andy... your husband is a serial cheater. He's most likely not going to stop but instead will just get better at hiding it.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> ... your husband is a serial cheater. He's most likely not going to stop


Start with the link "180 for Betrayed Spouses" that @EleGirl gave you in her signature. This will help you to put your feelings into perspective. It's normal for us to be hurt and angry, but long term, these feelings bring no kind of solution to the problem. Only a change in YOU will do that.

The 180 will do absolutely nothing to change your husband, but will help you to ameliorate the awful stress you're living in.

_*The 180 from another source*_


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Wo there, this is not on you or about his privacy. He is a selfish pig. 
Please get tested for STDs, seek legal advice, you need to know your rights as well as his responsibilities. If or when you can IC fir you.
Eat healthy, exercise even if it is walking the family pet. Start doing the hard 180 on him now. 
Take your time in making long term decisions pertaining to your marriage and life in general. 
It is never ok to put up with physical, psychological, emotional, financial, verbal or sexual abuse. No matter who it is from. 
Expose his ways to all family and friends. He is not a person who you trust. 
You are a beautiful woman who deserves more than this. 
one day at a time.
buffer


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divorce. Sorry, but that's the only advice I have for you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, other than what folks have mentioned, I wanted to comment on this specifically:


Broken inside said:


> Tonight I pick up his phone and while there are no messages I could find, he has posted 3 videos of himself, on a porn dating site. I'm at a loss. He tells me I'm insecure and flips it to me being wrong for going through his phone. I do t know how to feel. I've been in abusive relationships my entire life, and over all he is good to me.


So, this is a continual thing he is doing -- he gets caught, pleads sorrow and will stop, but he hasn't.
He flips the whole thing on YOU (so not HIS fault -- its YOURS that he does this). This is flat-out manipulation.
What he is doing IS abuse -- this is emotional abuse for sure.

You DO know how to feel and you ARE feeling that -- awful.
You should (in addition to the other suggestions about lawyers, etc.) look into getting counseling for yourself. You should explore why you fall for these types of men and how you can identify them and protect yourself from them. 
What he did is NOT YOUR FAULT! Cheating is on HIM, not you, OK? You need to know that.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

He has made it clear that he is going to do what he wants.
He wants to chase tail, just not yours.
You know what you need to do.
Take a minute and line your ducks up, form......
Then storm. Divorce. His. Ass.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married to a serial cheater for decades. They’ll promise you the moon but they rarely stop cheating. Why should they when there are no consequences? They don’t want to give up that rush of excitement so they're always chasing the shiny new toy. They want to stay married for the comfort and convenience but they want that other life as well. And so it goes, decade after decade. I wish I could get those decades back but I can’t. You won’t either.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Broken inside said:


> , on a porn dating site. I'm at a loss. He tells me I'm insecure and flips it to me being wrong for going through his phone. I do t know how to feel. I've been in abusive relationships my entire life, and over all he is good to me. But this is a hard pill to swallow. I dont know what to do.


There were no consequences the first time you caught him. He knows you will get angry then let it go. This time show him that you will not be walked over anymore. He doesn't sound like a great catch anyway.


Kick him out of the bedroom
do the 180 on him immediately
If you are in lockdown due to Covid, avoid him, don't do anything for him, no cooking, ironing, nothing. If he complains, tell him to get his lady friends to take care of his needs, it's obvious he has more time for them
Act like you don't care what he is doing
Then start taking some online classes to build up your self confidence to start planning a life without this loser
Do some research on the divorce regulations in your state, no harm in leaving them on the browser either


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## Broken inside (Apr 28, 2020)

Thanks yall. Il keep ya posted


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Broken inside said:


> Thanks yall. Il keep ya posted


Hope you are doing ok. We're here if you need the support.


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