# Jumping In Too



## cobalt27 (Sep 3, 2015)

Hey All.

Just came across this site and thought I would post/rant/confess.

I'm a bloke from Sydney and been married 25 years. Last 15 of which have been sexless......yep less than 10 times a year. Heck 10 times would be great.

Now if this sounds like a pity party its not.


Basically let me confess:

1. I'm screwed in the head, by that I mean I feel lonely, unwanted and down, not depressed but down and often sarcastic and angry.

2. I'm jealous. I go out past shops like the ones that sell female underwear and think, thats so nice, must be some lucky fellas out there. Yep I feel jealous....wtf wrong with me ?

3. I now drink more than before.

4. I have taken to going to clubs here (not night clubs) but clubs to play the pokies (slots). I waste hours and hate myself for it.

I go after work or after dinner. I go to get some fun, escape the crap that is my life....but then feel even worse after.

I still hold down a full time job but I'm the sad clown. I've lost a lot of social contact and only friends these days are work pals.

And before anybody tells me:

A) Talk to your wife....forget it she doesnt want to know. Sex is too messy....dont even know what that means. She doesnt give a damn how I feel or how its affected me (selfish me ???)

B) Divorce.....no I've read too much on how it stuffs up kids. No way am I doing that to them.

C) Therapy.....kidding right. No nothing wrong with her, I'm oversexed......frickin joke that one. Apparently your not normal if after 2 years of nothing you raise the issue.

Thanks for reading.

PS I think (tin foil hat) this marriage was a trap. Before marriage she was all over me sexually. Honeymoon....nothing. For the first couple of years it was OK. Who knows.

Thanks for reading.


----------



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Would you say your relationship with your wife is positive in every other way besides the sex? If no, then the two of you are probably showing your kids a bad example of what a relationship should/can be and it's just as damaging as if you divorced.....


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

When you're faced with two options - stick it out and be miserable, or divorce and potentially (probably) be happy, which do you think is better for the kids in the long run?

Which father do you think your kids would rather see?


----------



## LostinNE (Aug 31, 2015)

cobalt27 said:


> A) '........She doesnt give a damn how I feel or how its affected me (selfish me ???)


Is that really true? If so, what has she said or done to make you think that?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You're under a huge amount of stress, and go out to the clubs to help relieve it, which makes you feel guilty. So, despite staying for the kids, you're not there for them anyway. I think you'd spend more time and more quality time with them if you divorced, and that would also teach them that a bad relationship is better than no relationship. You are screwing up your kid's ideas about relationships by staying, and predisposing them to miserable relationships. Better to leave, and hopefully find yourself a good relationship so they will have a good example of that - and a decisive man who acts in his own and their best interests.


----------



## cobalt27 (Sep 3, 2015)

Personal said:


> Hello cobalt27,
> 
> Am I right in presuming that you are simply seeking some people to commiserate with, rather than some support and encouragement to see an end to your sexless marriage?


Put it like this. A person is banged up in prison, they can complain all they like but they aint going nowhere. They're in jail.

I'm telling you stuff I've told not another person. Its a therapy for me even to let this out. The egg is scrambled and cant be unscrambled. I accept my situation, I dont like it but its how it is.

I wonder though if others, have sought comfort in other things, gambling and drinking like me......these are escapes. And unlike the fella in jail I have some escape.

But I'm also emotionally buggered, I have no more fight. I will though leave this planet with one thing and that is a little SELF RESPECT. I will not beg, and I dont want sympathy sex. 

My guilt, I did too much. I wash up, cook (90%), took time off to pick up the kids when she was working, buy the groceries. I did that out of my belief as being a good husband (in my mind).


----------



## cobalt27 (Sep 3, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> You are screwing up your kid's ideas about relationships by staying, and predisposing them to miserable relationships. Better to leave.


I understand this but my kids are early 20's so it doesnt matter and one doesnt live at home. But divorce was on the menu absolutely.

I read too much though on the negatives, often lifelong that impacts on the kids. 

Not ruling it out but need to do much more research before I take that step. And the kids know what sort of person she is. They want her nowhere near their friends because she has the habit of upsetting others.....constantly.

I often laugh that I'm the one on the valium because shes not on them.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Hmm. So, your kids are adults, and as such they should understand - and it sounds like they'd support and encourage - a decision to divorce. Even though their attitudes have already been badly influenced by your bad marriage, seeing you make a GOOD decision and finding happiness (or at least peace), will surely be a positive influence.

I think you're rationalizing and making excuses. I think you're afraid of what will happen when you start making your own decisions and have to live your life again.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Married but Happy is right, your attitude as a result of your personal misery is doing more harm to your kids than a divorce would.



cobalt27 said:


> I understand this but my kids are early 20's so it doesnt matter and one doesnt live at home. But divorce was on the menu absolutely.
> 
> I read too much though on the negatives, often lifelong that impacts on the kids.
> 
> ...


You are mistaken about what divorce will do to your GROWN children. Being adults, they have the coping skills to cope.

When I was a young adult my parents relationship became much more obvious. How my mother treated my father and how he treated her in return, disgusted me. He wanted to leave her and told my older sister of his plan to leave her. When I found out my only concern was who the hell was going to control her now?

Then he got sick and died 6 months later, leaving us to deal with her anyway. At his funeral, I got a peak at the woman we thought was his mistress. Shame, he would have been so much happier with her. She really adored him.

You've raised your kids, you've done your job. It's your turn now!


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

cobalt27 said:


> I wonder though if others, have sought comfort in other things, gambling and drinking like me......these are escapes. *And unlike the fella in jail I have some escape.*


True, but drinking and gambling could very well land you in jail -- driving home drunk from the casino really isn't a good idea. Your "escape" plan is flawed.

Why not escape from this miserable marriage and create some happiness for yourself? Your kids are adults. It's true, divorce WILL affect them, but not in the way that you think. Odds are, they already know your marriage is an unhappy one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Cobalt27, 
In my opinion, if your wife will not put in any effort to meet your sexual needs she does not love you at all. In fact, I would say she does not even like you. You have to decide which misery is least miserable. 
1. Stay in this "marriage" as is, drink and gamble yourself to death.
2. Divorce, divide assets and live alone, get your shiit together along with the genuine opportunity to meet someone else.
3. Give ultimatum with time limit and see if she is willing to work on it and get your shiit together.

You are currently on #1.

I would try #3 and if that does not work, go with #2.

#1 is the most miserable, IMO.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I generally put your choices as:
Leave
Cheat
Live like a monk

From my own experience and the experience of man others here, people who don not want sex will not change. So those are your choices. 

There are women out there who really do enjoy sex, the situation you are in is common but far from universal.


----------



## bc3543 (Aug 24, 2015)

cobalt27 said:


> Put it like this. A person is banged up in prison, they can complain all they like but they aint going nowhere. They're in jail.
> 
> I'm telling you stuff I've told not another person. Its a therapy for me even to let this out. The egg is scrambled and cant be unscrambled. I accept my situation, I dont like it but its how it is.
> 
> ...


We were never sexless, but we went thru a dry spell and I turned to escapes/diversions to help me withdraw emotionally from my wife. That made us both miserable and the kids hated all the fighting. It was unsustainable. 

So I got myself fixed up - I learned how to meet my wife's needs, how to communicate - both how to ask for what I need and how to LISTEN, and how to respect her. This has changed everythingl Now we are in counseling which is going rather great and we are getting some of her medical issues fixed. But yeah, everything is looking up and if played right this story will have a very happy ending.

Of course, you don't have my wife. You need to determine if yours is a keeper, mine is. But if yours isn't, and your kids are grown, why are you still there?


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Cobalt27

You wrote, *2. I'm jealous. I go out past shops like the ones that sell female underwear and think, thats so nice, must be some lucky fellas out there. Yep I feel jealous....wtf wrong with me ?*

I Completely get that! 

I see a nice looking lady, I wonder... 

does she still kiss her husband?

does she still have orgasms?

can she still get wet?

I can't imagine seducing that woman and having sex with her for a long long list of reasons, but it just kills me all the same.

When I see sexy underwear I think, "if my W had sex with me everyday for half a year they might be needed to spice things up", as things now stand they might not be needed until we are in our 90's.

Tamat


----------



## cobalt27 (Sep 3, 2015)

Thanks for your replies.

I have reread what I wrote and dont like it. I sound bitter and I am. But why over sex ????

So is it sex or that as a human we need to feel wanted ? Sexless makes me feel ......dont know cant express it.

My sister in law is alone and I think there is some sexual chemistry between us (but could be wrong) and have thought about it.....only thought because it could end up a big big disaster. Tempted....absolutely.

Anywway, just got back from work, stopped off at the club had a small $20 bet on the pokies...will limit myself to that.

You know I should have read the signs earlier.

3 weeks together in Europe.....Paris, Rome......zero sex
2 Weeks in NYC and Vegas this year................zero sex.

In fact was thinking last night, I havent kissed my wife on the lips for at least 5 years, in fact cannot even remember when. The signs were there but I was to blind or stupid to see them.

ATM Im reading other threads here and getting a feel of where I stand.


TAMAT....cheers for getting what I said.

But I also feel good getting these secrets off my chest, its been bottled up for a while.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

If you handed her divorce papers would she change? Your need is for emotional connection and you get that through sex, no sex no connection. 
I wonder does your wife really know the damage she is doing to you.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I really doubt things will change. Your situation is worse than mine and I've spent 30 years in frustration. Not all marriages are like this - I suggest you get out while you can before you become old and bitter like me. 

Don't threaten divorce - that will likely just lead to temporary fixes, and you will still be stuck begging / bargaining / threatening for sex. 

I understand how you feel - it sucks.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Cobalt27, you are developing some really bad habits because of your unhappiness. Gambling and drinking, man, you are going to end up being broke and a drunk. That's even more problems than what you have now.

Your kids are adults, they can take care of themselves. They don't need you to sacrifice your happiness for theirs. I am sure they are questioning your sanity at this moment. Asking why is daddy still married to that woman?

The only person who is going to be hurt, is you. If you keep doing what you are doing now.


----------



## cobalt27 (Sep 3, 2015)

Tell you all something and I have told her.

Absolutely I would hand over the following:

The house all to her. and any seavings.....................cheap price imho.

I wont hand over:

My wage, I earn that and you aint getting it.
My 20 year old Shadow cruiser.......my valium.

And btw I dont gamble too much I have limited myself to 20 bucks on the slots, when thats gone I leave. Its a bit of excitement in the dullness that surrounds me.

Btw.....you are all good people and I appreciate your input, but unfortunately at 50 I dont feel like hitting the dating scene so if (likely) when I decide to walk out I guess I have to confront living alone. Not that bad as long as there are distractions, but I dont want to be one of these middle aged fellas on the look out of women or calling escorts or anything like that. 


Aine.......I think she knows what shes doing to me because I've told her in the past. She just dismisses it and really wont talk about it, to the point it always ends in a fight. So no point going there. Shoe on the other foot, I think I would care if I was hurting her, but we're all different I guess.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

cobalt27 said:


> Tell you all something and I have told her.
> 
> Absolutely I would hand over the following:
> 
> ...


Hi Cobalt

as your kids are older you won't have to hand over your wage.

They are young adults now and as a pp said they are [probably wondering why you are staying stuck in this misery, they have probably known for a long time how unhappy their parents marriage is, they know what is going on even if there is no fighting. There is no passion in your marriage and that is what they see and that is the example you have given them which is a great way to set them up for future failure in their own lives.

At 50 you would be surprised at what life can have in store for you, the dating scene is thriving in this age group. Plenty of men and women that have lived the hell and know exactly what they want and what they won't put up with.

Mr H and I met when I was mid 40's and he was late 40's. Both from sexless/passionless past marriages and now very happy to have found each other.

Divorce is difficult but it is not the end of the world, in fact it can be the end of misery and the start of a great new life. You are here for a short time, don't waste your life.

And hello from Melbourne


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

cobalt, you have twenty years on me, so maybe my point of view reflects my age. but, there is no way in hell i would decide to be miserable for no good reason. 


the only reason you are lying in your bed is because you havent gotten out of it. 50 is too old to move on?!!

please, somebody put an end to me if i ever start believing that!


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cobalt...I will agree with the others...your kids are adults. What adult wouldn't understand a divorce on the grounds of no sex for years and years, and not even a kiss? Do they know you are sexless already, by the way? They must notice that you and your wife never touch each other.

Are you still in love with your wife?


----------



## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Your story is the story of many of us guys in a long-term relationship. To a lesser or greater extent. Some of us get it less than once a month; in my case, it's a little bit more. But still far from what I would need....

I agree with you: the lack of sex can really make a guy bitter....

But then, long term relationships don't work (specially for guys, when it comes to getting sex). 

At the same time, having a string of short term relationships is too stressful and costly (and I don't mean by way of money alone).

My policy is to just make do with what I can... 





cobalt27 said:


> Hey All.
> 
> Just came across this site and thought I would post/rant/confess.
> 
> ...


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How do you know she hasn't been getting it elsewhere?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Maybe the others can tell us what they feel is the relationship between sex and a long-term relationship/marriage for a male. 

I'm willing to concede that it might be tougher for a man who is not in a relationship to get sex too. But then, it also depends on other factors. How much of an alpha male a guy is. How selfish he is. (Frankly, I think selfishness and a couldn't-care-a-damn-about-the-consequences attitude does help; but not every is able to adopt this.) How much he is willing to sacrifice everything else for sex. And how much access to money and power a man has, so as to attract a woman (or should I say women?) into bed? 

This might sound cynical but it's the way the world works. Read the biography of Pierre Trudeau (whose son is in the news currently) and you'll get an idea....



Personal said:


> You are mistaken.
> 
> For example I've been in a long term 19+ years sexual relationship, inclusive of a 16+ years marriage with two children (15 & 12). Yet last week (Monday morning here) as is the norm, I at 44 had mutually enthusiastic sex with my wife who is 45 on 6 occasions.
> 
> Sex has always remained frequent throughout our long term sexual relationship, which has seen us share sex over 5000 times. In my experience long term sexual relationships are a great way to share lots of sex.


----------



## Daft Jerry (Feb 19, 2012)

Cobalt,

that's a brutally honest assessment of yourself and your marriage. Some thoughts:

1. *"I go out past shops like the ones that sell female underwear and think, thats so nice, must be some lucky fellas out there. Yep I feel jealous....wtf wrong with me?"* Nothing wrong with you. I often walk past a nicely-dressed woman and think "She's taking care of herself, must be nice to come home to a woman like that." You're not alone, mate.

2. You've been taking some heat from posters here for "ranting." I think writing it all down can bring clarity to random thoughts that swirl around your head all day, all night, all week, all... I say, keep doing it, even though the results can be scary.


----------



## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

I guess I'm the only one that ever posts about health issues being a problem. 

Cobalt, has your wife had lab work done by a Dr. to check here hormone levels, thyroid , etc.?
This can have a huge effect on sex drive. It can be cured sometimes with medication. 
IMO it is best to start there and next go to marriage counseling if labs say she is healthy.

I am about your age. I tried everything and put off my divorce until my kids were grown. 
I ruled out health problems and went to counseling and finally decided to divorce the problem and now I'm happier than ever with no regrets. ( because of the steps above )


----------

