# I'm back....



## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

Hello,

Does anyone remember me and my issue with my wife from last year?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I do. What's new?


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

Well I never got divorce. Things have been up and down. Recently more down.

Again she has moved out on Monday.


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

So her 17 year old son who lives in CA arrived at our home for his grad party. This has been boiling up for months. My wife quit her job in Dec 2012 and is still unemployed except for babysitting for about 100.00 a week.

I have been very stressed over money supporting 5 kids. 3 hers and 2 mine.

We have spent over $4500 (that I really didn’t have) including airfare, food, grad party etc…I’m officially broke.

So Saturday night the party was going great. At approx. 1:30 AM I was in my driveway talking to friends and I heard a crash in my garage. Now mind you, my garage is like a showroom. 

Among the cleanliness, I have my antique car that is fully restored that I have had for 26 years and a restored set of stadium seats from a ballpark that is no longer. 

Upon my shock, her drunken nephews were all sitting in all 4 seats and they collapsed into my old car. I was in total shock. I stood up after looking at my car and not so nicely directed everyone out of the garage.

I yelled FOR my wife, not AT my wife to come here. When she arrived in garage I knelt down to show her what happened. I then looked up and saw her 17 year old son smiling at the situation. I found out later that he was drunk as well.

I excused myself and went up to my bedroom to calm down. 20 min later I came back and went into back yard to talk to wife. I asked her, what the hell am I going to do. I don’t even have insurance as I can’t afford it right now. While I was venting to my wife for some sort of compassion her son came over to me and said, don’t talk to my mom that way.

I lost it. I stood up and went to charge after him. I was restrained and he was as well. 

Everyone was pissed at me. It was now all my fault. I went upstairs to bed.

Then at 6AM Sunday I woke up to check on my 15 year old sons. They were gone. I later found out that my 20 year old step daughter took it upon herself to tell them it’s best for them to stay somewhere else. This was wrong. I had my boys this week and they should not have been removed. One was in a deep sleep. Not to mention, whoever drove them was drunk.
It gets worse.

My son texted his mom (My X) at 2:30AM telling her what happened. Now she is involved. I am being threatened with Friend of Court etc….Not a good week.

So Monday my wife stayed at her girlfriend’s house, Tuesday and probably today.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Looks to me like you have two choices here.

(1). Accept that this is "your lot in life", accept your losses, complain and "hope" that everything changes (which it probably won't) and "assume" that your wife and step-son will somehow make things right (which they won't) and expect the same behavior in the future since they have no reason to change.

(2.) Do not accept this behavior. Demand that your step-son and/or wife pay you for the damages (require her to get a real job to help with expenses), stop supporting the step-children since you can't afford it, reclaim your rightful position in the household, explain to the Ex what happened and why, and if all else fails, put a "divorce" on the table, cut your losses, and move on.

In short, you either take control of the situation and demand that those responsible for the damage pay for it, or you accept this behavior from your wife and step-son as "normal" and anticipate more disrespect in the future.


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

So my questions are:

1. Do I text/call wife and ask her if she intends on coming home?

2. I have 30.00 in my checking. She keep using it for fuel, etc..I don't get paid until Monday. What to do.....I assume I tell her to stop.

3. I have an appt at 3:30 with lawyer. I assume I keep it.

4. She is driving my 2011 car. It's in my name. We have only been married 16 months. I drive a 20 year old truck to a corporate job. I want my car back....


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If I am remembering correctly, wasn't it suggested that things were not likely to get better for you in that situation?

You can't change her or her children and it doesn't appear she or her children are interested in change. So the options are the same as they were before -- you stay in that situation as you've been doing or you remove yourself.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Isitmeoramicrazy said:


> So my questions are:
> 
> 1. Do I text/call wife and ask her if she intends on coming home?
> 
> ...


1. No. Don't text or email her. Assume for the moment the marriage is over. Definitely keep the lawyer appt. Let him/her handle communications, which will include a demand to get your vehicle back. She doesn't get to keep it if it is in your name only.

2. You may have to borrow funds from family members and/or friends for the time being. $30 won't get you far, *but do get her name off the account immediately, or open a new account immediately in your own name and put your money there, where she can't touch it*.

Stand firm and focus. Best of luck to you.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Isitmeoramicrazy said:


> So my questions are:
> 
> 1. Do I text/call wife and ask her if she intends on coming home?
> 
> ...


Isit, these are all really good questions to be asking yourself, and strangers on the internet. If you get the answers you are seeking, and have the strength of character to implement those answers, well, you'll still be in the same spot, because none of those questions involve significant change.

Maybe they're not really good questions after all.

So perhaps you should ask different questions.

Why are you married to a woman who doesn't respect you?

Why do you feel that you are such a bad person that you deserve no better than a woman who lets her children destroy your property?

How many more parties do you think you will be able to host with underage drinking before the police come and arrest you, and REALLY screw your life up long-term?

Since, as a parent, you now tolerate having your teenage children removed from your house and supervision by drunk-driving teenagers. and since this strongly suggests that you're not all that great of a parent, don't you think that maybe they would be better off with their mother?

Yeah, that last one should sting a little.

The problem isn't your wife, although she seems to have lots of problems. The problem is you.

Change.


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

NotLikeYou said:


> Isit, these are all really good questions to be asking yourself, and strangers on the internet. If you get the answers you are seeking, and have the strength of character to implement those answers, well, you'll still be in the same spot, because none of those questions involve significant change.
> 
> Maybe they're not really good questions after all.
> 
> ...


So let me be brutally honest...I'm scared as hell!

I know I am a good Dad. I was sleeping when they were removed.

I agree this whole issue goes deeper than a drunken brawl Saturday night.

Change is good...I'm scared as hell.....


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Isitmeoramicrazy said:


> So let me be brutally honest...I'm scared as hell!
> 
> I know I am a good Dad. I was sleeping when they were removed.
> 
> ...


Don't be scared. Think of it as a new adventure. 

I ended a marriage of 30 years mainly because he cheated, but in reviewing the past there were other issues as well that I swept under the rug in order to have harmony in the household. No more. It's a little scary at first, but once you have spoken to a lawyer and know your rights, you can finally look forward to being free again. That isn't scary at all. And I could not be happier with my new found freedom.

You can do this. You can even enjoy it. Trust yourself.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Change can be scary.

Don't let it be so frightening that it paralyzes you into inaction.

Based on what you have written, you're in a really bad situation, and you may lose a chunk of your a$$ getting out of it. 

But if you're going to be the best version of YOU that you can, you need to take a hard look at things and make some changes.

No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you are never going to be more important to your wife than her children are. So if they break your antique seats, or if their cousins damage your classic car, she isn't going to care. 

To have custody of your own kids, you have to have some really good qualities. I say this because our wonderful family court system almost always hands kids to the ex-wife, with little regard to the details of who is actually a better parent. 

So, again, you have to be a pretty good guy, left to your own devices. You're in the process of bankrupting yourself to pay for a woman who doesn't respect you, and has NO boundaries in the relationship that protect or honor you.

And its going to end up costing you your kids.

I hope that you take steps to save yourself and your kids and have a better life. This woman you married? She's not part of your happiness.

Face your fear and overcome it. You can make it through this difficult part of life and get to a much better place!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Stop supporting her kids? She should be covering 50% of family expenses. If she can't, you guys simply cannot afford ANY party.

Also, if you are hurting for money, sell your antique cars/toys....

But first I would suggest working on ending Financial Negligence that your wife is doing......

How do you just quit a job without having another one? How convenient of her......I have a feeling she knew you would support her and said "**** it"

I agree with others, YOU need to change OP. Sorry but I wouldn't put up with any of that crap, that is some DEEP disrespect.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Isitmeoramicrazy said:


> So my questions are:
> 
> 1. Do I text/call wife and ask her if she intends on coming home?
> 
> ...


First, to the question in your name....it's you. You've brought this on yourself and you keep doing the wrong things. You need to get your head on straight.

1. Don't text or call.

2. Withdraw the money from the checking account. Open a new account with only your name on it.

3. Keep it. But I have to ask, how do you intend to pay for it?

4. Get a ride, or take a cab or whatever, to where the car is and drive it home. It's your car.

Is the house also yours? You've only been married 16 months? Sounds like she's just using you. How's the sex life?

Remember, no matter how bad it is, you're the one who is allowing yourself to be treated this way. If you're not willing to stand up for yourself and set boundaries, then ya, it's you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Isitmeoramicrazy said:


> So let me be brutally honest...I'm scared as hell!
> 
> I know I am a good Dad. I was sleeping when they were removed.
> 
> ...


You didn't really read the post did you?


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

So my house is in my name. I called lawyer and he said I can pay initial fee Monday when I get paid. The sex was great and over 6 months had declined. Embarrassed to admit but I'm on cialis. Too much stress and it ain't working. 

You advice is very good. I should have listened to you last year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Better late than never. You'd be amazed at the number of people who are afraid of change. But you can do it!


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

Sometimes I wish I could talk to you guys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Isitmeoramicrazy said:


> Sometimes I wish I could talk to you guys.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You wouldn't want to talk to me. I'd be beating you upside the head with a 2x4. 

By the way I went and read half of your other thread. Your wife is a cheater. No question about it. And you have severe doormatitis! This is your third marriage. First wife cheated. Second wife abusive. Third wife cheats with multiple guys in bars. Makes me wonder if you have some kind of mental deficiency or something?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You wouldn't want to talk to me. I'd be beating you upside the head with a 2x4.
> 
> By the way I went and read half of your other thread. Your wife is a cheater. No question about it. And you have severe doormatitis! This is your third marriage. First wife cheated. Second wife abusive. Third wife cheats with multiple guys in bars. Makes me wonder if you have some kind of mental deficiency or something?


I yield to no poster on TAM in ladling out "tough love advice," but I realize that you can make the advice so tough that people stop reading it, which does nobody any good.

Isit, based on what WorkingOnMe states above, I want to re-emphasize some of the advice you are getting, and leave out all the snark and sarcasm and B.S.

Your life is way out of whack. I'm not tossing stones at you, here. With the marital problems you describe, the problems you have had in previous marriages, and the fact that you are on cialis and it isn't working, your life really truly is unbalanced.

You can fix this, or at least make things a lot better and more bearable.

Given the troubles in your first 2 marriages and the ones you describe in this third one, there are some things in YOU that need to be discovered and dealt with.

So you ought to look into some personal therapy and counseling. Off the top of my head, you need help with self esteem, setting boundaries, healthy relationship habits (don't we ALL need help with this?) and what traits you find attractive in women.

You probably have a fear of being alone- if I had had the kind of problems you have had with your first 2 marriages, I don't think I'd be married a third time. I'd be scared of finding myself in the kind of situation you're in now! So that is another topic for counseling.

Based on what you have written, your current wife is not making you a better person. She isn't "lifting you up." She is actually reducing you, financially, emotionally, and materially (your "stuff" is getting trashed). If you had kids with her, that would be a serious reason for staying with her.

You don't have kids with her.

So get squared with the lawyer, and do the 180 for yourself. Get some outside help and work on being the best version of YOU that you can. And then see what kind of women present themselves for companionship.

If you do these hard things now, you will find the rewards to be well worth the effort.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Actually I take it back. I'd love to meet with you in person. Once you dump the wife, come to my town. I'll buy you a beer and introduce you to some really cool women. After all you've been through, you deserve someone who won't treat you like crap. You need to convince yourself, because it's true, that you deserve nothing less.


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Actually I take it back. I'd love to meet with you in person. Once you dump the wife, come to my town. I'll buy you a beer and introduce you to some really cool women. After all you've been through, you deserve someone who won't treat you like crap. You need to convince yourself, because it's true, that you deserve nothing less.


Thank you would like to take your offer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

Went to lawyer....said there may be alimony due to fact that she does not work. He said make it sooner than later.

Day 4 and still no communication from wife...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

End that before you are deeper into it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

D-Vorce!


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> D-Vorce!


 I have another thread that I was commenting on, however in case some of you didn't see my other posts I finally told her I want out.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Isitmeoramicrazy said:


> So my questions are:
> 
> 1. Do I text/call wife and ask her if she intends on coming home? I'm not sure about this one; I guess if you're curious, text her, but she may or may not respond
> 
> ...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Have you retained an attorney?

Have you established your own checking/savings accounts?

Are you in counseling?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Isitmeoramicrazy said:


> I have another thread that I was commenting on, however in case some of you didn't see my other posts I finally told her I want out.


Honestly I cant understand why or how you have been there this long. She is the epitome of toxic. Glad you are standing your ground about not leaving your house.


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Have you retained an attorney?
> 
> Have you established your own checking/savings accounts?
> 
> Are you in counseling?


Yes...Yes...Yes


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sounds good. You mentioned in your other thread that the house is in your name, but you also mentioned it's in both your names.

So, is the mortgage and title in both names, or is she just on the title?


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

The mortgage is in my name, both our names are on the title.

I remember the credit union telling me due to her bad credit, I should not put her name on the mortgage.

Pros?

Cons?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ok, your story does not tell the whole context. BUT just from what you wrote, you started yelling at your wife. Short of a nice monologue about how you are venting, how they hell would she know you were not yellign AT her. You proceeded to attempt to physically assault a minor. Time to look at yourself at least partly here.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

What you are facing needs to be addressed by an attorney, because there are many variables, depending on the state. 

For example, if you purchased a home in PA after the marriage but prior to the split, it would still be considered joint property. That means, in this example, one spouse would have to buy out the other or split the equity in the event of a sale.

I live in a community property state. I wasn't on the mortgage, but we had JTWRS (joint tenancy with right to survivorship). That meant if my husband died, the home automatically transferred to me. 

So you can see there are a lot of different scenarios. This is where a good attorney comes in handy.

ETA: You may end up having to pay her half of the equity, but like I said this is dependent on the state in which you reside. See your attorney ASAP if you want to get her out of the house sooner rather than later.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I want to add something here. You started posting almost six years ago. The marriage, although new at the time, was already in the crapper.

You've been married THREE TIMES to the same woman, just different names. The constant in all three of these toxic relationships is YOU.

Just file for the divorce, quit equivocating about who owes what, pay her off to get her out of your life for good, and don't go anywhere near another woman. You have serious issues. Work on you. Take responsibility for your own behavior and actions.

And dedicate yourself to counseling for a long time. You are repeating the same dance with the devil. Time to figure out WHY.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

IS old bean, you are still with this woman and her toxic kids? You know what to do, now do it!


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

What is "friend of court"


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

I finally told her I want a divorce.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Isitmeoramicrazy said:


> I finally told her I want a divorce.


 But do you mean it and will you follow through?
What spurred this on now?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

You started this thread 4 years ago....what was the final straw ?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Isitmeoramicrazy said:


> I finally told her I want a divorce......


Geez, it took you 4 long years to finally decide to rid yourself of your parasite wife who doesn't respect you and the 3 devil spawn kids of hers you've been foolish enough to be supporting along with her?

I guess 4 years is better than 5 years.


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

I woke up an realized i pissed away 8 years not being a part of my sons lives. As well as my moms (shes 80) because my wife did not like her.

I read these posts, along with another one I have on here called. "Travel is an issue" and saw the toxic crap relationship. 

I guess I got mad/wise for once.

Also, I lost my job last week, so I am REALLY scared now. I pray I can get back into the job market soon. 

I heard her and her daughter saying that I has something called Ambivalent Reactive Attachment Disorder.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Isitmeoramicrazy said:


> I heard her and her daughter saying that I has something called Ambivalent Reactive Attachment Disorder.


Of course the toxic, bat crap crazy have to come up with whatever is wrong with YOU. Don't even pay attention to this drivel. 

I am really sorry about your job, what sucky timing.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Your wife and stepdaughter have no idea what they're talking about. Attachment styles are not disorders and the research done on them involve infants. They're about as useful as a personality test or horoscope. There may be some truth to them but overall they aren't very accurate or revealing when applied to adults. Even if any issues you had could be traced back to your relationship with your mother as an infant, your wife and stepdaughter are woefully unqualified to determine that.

You know who is likely to be diagnosed with some form of disorder? Your wife who is grasping at straws trying to point out mental deficiencies in you because her inflated entitlement won't allow her to entertain the idea that she has ever acted in a way that would merit a divorce.


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

Thank you for the clarification. 

I have an appointment today with my lawyer.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Isitmeoramicrazy said:


> Thank you for the clarification.
> 
> I have an appointment today with my lawyer.


Good idea. Hope it goes well for you.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Don't back down!


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

I'll stay strong!!


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

Hello friends,

After many years, I finally filed for divorce on 12 -28.

I’m sure many of you are asking why it took so long. Well, I was still emotionally attached and thought I loved her, however thinking back and reading all my old posts, its clearly evident that it was toxic and dysfunctional from day 1. 

I can even remember being on the phone with my priest on my honeymoon asking for an annulment because we were in such a HUGE fight.

Anyway, I really need support right now as its HELL at home with her. I’m in my own room and shes in ours. I also had the police over Saturday (actually 2:30AM Sunday) because she kicked me. I wont tolerate physical abuse, no matter how small it may seem. 

Another issue, she told me, as she’s serious, that I need to check myself into a hospital because I have mental issues. My councilor says it’s a form of gas lighting…


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Better late than never but you really should have gotten that annulment when you called the priest on your honeymoon. Hopefully, you've learned from this. 

As for now, stay strong and keep reminding yourself that it will eventually be over and you can move on.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Isitmeoramicrazy said:


> Another issue, she told me, as she’s serious, that I need to check myself into a hospital because I have mental issues. My councilor says it’s a form of gas lighting…


As I recall, she has accused you regarding mental issues before. Ignore her. You know she's full of crap.

Do you have friends/family who you can hang out with and/or call for support?

Who is going to move out of the marital home? I got the heck outta Dodge when I filed for divorce from my first husband. I couldn't tolerate his outbursts when we were married, so I sure as hell didn't want to be around for the nuclear attack when he was served.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Isit, some drunks crash into your garage, wreck your custom car, and you go to bed? Mistake #1.


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## Isitmeoramicrazy (Oct 5, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> As I recall, she has accused you regarding mental issues before. Ignore her. You know she's full of crap.
> 
> Do you have friends/family who you can hang out with and/or call for support?
> 
> Who is going to move out of the marital home? I got the heck outta Dodge when I filed for divorce from my first husband. I couldn't tolerate his outbursts when we were married, so I sure as hell didn't want to be around for the nuclear attack when he was served.


Thank God I have a few friends and a couple family members who have been helping through this. I call them at random times of anxiety attacks.


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