# X dating again, it's normal but it hurts.



## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Hello, 

After 3 months and being in the middle of a divorce, I was it was meant to happen. I believe my soon to be X has started to date again.  We prepare for this, we know it will happen but it has affected me greatly. I didn't think that it was going to affect me that bad, I mean our relationship is over but actually knowing that she has already moved on within 3 months is hurting me so much.

I cannot even get myself wrapped around the idea of dating again, I am still too tired, not a lot of interest on looking for somebody now. 

Any words of support would be great, I guess it's the whole process, and this was supposed to happen sooner or later.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

stbxmaybe,

It sucks, it hurts and it is what it is. Life throws up curve balls, I'm just hoping its a hangin curve and you hit it out of the park!!!

Stay strong Stbx, you can get through this. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you don't have kids -- at least you "don't have to deal with her" for the rest of your life if you don't want to. At least that is a positive.

Go at your own pace. Learn more about who you want to be. Remember answer the question "where am I going first" before getting to the "who will go with me". 

You can do this.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Thanks Feelingalone, 

I felt so at peace, I haven't been here in a while because I have been picking up my life. I have been hanging out with friends, picking up the pieces that this separation/divorce left. But the news floored me, it literally floored me. I felt like it had stopped my coping process, and I felt like a car had just hit me. Yes I don't have any kids, thank god we didn't. Everybody tells me that, yes I guess was a good decision and the reason why we never did is because we were not sure it was going to last. 

I know I will be able to overcome this, I have overcome other things. Right now it just hurts so bad


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I know Stbx, it cuts to the quick doesn't it. Just be glad you don't have to deal with it forever -- I do. So, if I can make it, you can too.

Just make this a brief interlude of continuing your growth. Feel sad -- you have feelings too. Just don't let it stop you.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I will no doubt about this. It's just amazing how people can move on in such a short period of time. Believe me, I wish her all the best, and I wish she finds a great guy because she is a great girl. It's just too soon, but the sooner the better I guess, the sooner I know the fastest I'll have to accept it. 

Life is not perfect, that's the extra spice. I have grown as a person in a matter of months, the man I used to be don't know if it would've reacted the same way. I am just happy of the man I have become.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

I THINK it is always easier for the one who wants to leave the relationship than it is for the one who gets left.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Brewster 59 said:


> I THINK it is always easier for the one who wants to leave the relationship than it is for the one who gets left.


Do I ever agree with you. My H seems almost happy he is getting a divorce. I never thought he would turn into this heartless monster aka the evil twin.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I am so sorry to hear she's moved on so quickly. My guess is that she hasn't really--but rather than facing her issues she's looking for "someone" who will fill the holes she needs to fill herself and won't. 

I know it hurts and you feel just awful and honestly? I suggest you embrace it. Don't deny that you are really upset, depressed, sad, bummed and hurt. I personally suggest that you throw a Pity Party here in the "Going Through Divorce" forum and that we all jump in and wallow with you. I mean seriously? We ALL feel this sadness and loss at times, and sometimes the best way to deal with the feeling is to GO THROUGH IT. 

The honor of your presence is hereby requested: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...ng-through-divorce-pity-party.html#post164401


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Thank you affaircare, 

You always have wise advice, and yeah I am willing to throw a Pity Party here, I guess everything happened really fast, I forgot to mention that I am moving out of the house where we lived for 3 years today. She no longer lives there, I invited my closest friends to help me out with the moving and after we are going to have a get together.

Today I feel better, I have accepted that yeah I feel bad, I felt jealous, and let down in a way. I spoke with my counselor and he said the same thing, that it worries him if she is moving that fast. The divorce isn't even finalized yet, and I agree. That's exactly the same reason why I am not looking for a relationship right now, I have to make sure that I want to be in because I like the girl, not only because I want her to keep me company, and fill the hole I feel. 

I am not ready yet. Anyway, every time life throws me a curve ball, I fall but I get up again and continue. Life's problems after this don't seem that difficult anymore. I am just at peace, and you know at the end I love her for all the happy moments we shared. I am NOT in love with her let's make that clear, and this means that I want her to find happiness and love. 

That thought makes the others go away.


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## Hurtin' unit (Apr 13, 2010)

Well, almost 3 months for me. I can tell you this, I am alot happier now than I used to be. I was the one asked to leave, but have come to realize that she left me a long time ago. So at this point, even though it is officially only 3 months, it is really almost one year. So yes, I am definitely ready to see other people. I am rediscovering myself, am going tomorrow to see some old friends where I used to live, and just enjoy life. She on the other hand, from what I see and hear, isn't so happy. The time I spend with my kids now is way better, just the three of us with nobody else messing things up. So even though at the beginning I was devastated and would have given anything to get back together, there is no way I would do it now. Life goes on and it better watch out, cause here I come! Yee Haw.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Stbx, you will get over this latest SNAFU quicker than the last one, you have already gone through so much, you have built up a sort of tolerance, 3 mos seems to be the norm for those who wanted out or those who were left behind, but during that time came to realize it was for the better IMO, just last night I went on a second date with the same lady to an amusement park, it was great and took her home we held and kissed (no sex) but I gotta admit, it felt pretty good to have a woman feeling on me, also though I couldn't help thinking about my 2 girls or my wife:scratchhead:, guess I'm no really ready but I will still be going out, anyhow, I believe you will feel 'crappy' but for not as long, best of luck!!


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Hey, I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. It does sound early for her, but personal timelines can be so very different... 

I know you did a lot of work on you, did the Love Dare, and waited patiently for your wife to come back to you on her own terms. And it seems really clear that you truly love her and want what is best for her. I read your latest update and shake my head in wonder because it's obviously really hard to know God's plans sometimes, isn't it? Anyhow, I'm glad you have the company of friends and you feel better in your own shoes. I absolutely believe that you need to figure out what you want first, then figure out who to share it with. You seem to be doing things in the right order, so keep up the good work and hang tough!


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Thanks to all of you,

You know what? I feel better, it's hard but at the end she is no longer in my present. She is my past, and it will stay that way. Weird but now, the longer I think about it, the more I understand that it's not that I miss her as a person, I just miss her company, that's the reason why I am not ready to have a stable relationship with somebody. Loneliness shouldn't be the prime reason to find somebody, first I have to get used to be by myself and function at the same time I guess.

It has taken me more than a week now, and although the whole world crashed last friday after the news, I now see it as another test from life to make me stronger. I just came back from a LONG run, but really long and I feel good. I used to run a lot before I met my soon to be ex but I left it just because I guess became comfortable, I even gained a few extra pounds. Not now, I am in the best shape in 4 years, and at least keeps my mind occupied. 

I am also treating me with small pleasures like buying the type of good food I liked. Pampering me and rewarding me in a way for being so patient and working on myself throughout these past months. I feel different, wiser, more patient and some times at peace and forgetting about my situation, having fun with friends. Even if this break up was horrendous, something good came out of it, a new me  The news about my x plus the moving really affected me during this weekend but now I am getting used to the apartment and it seems like I am beginning to feel like home, yesterday was the first night I spent here. 

Anyway, I'll keep u posted, and again thank you all for always being there for me even if we don't know each other face to face.  I wish you the best with your lives and relationships (old or new) if you are still waiting, have hope. Life is life, good or bad but we were born to make a difference in ours, and the only way to learn is by living it.


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## MissingHer (Mar 14, 2010)

The one thing that I thought would be unbearable when I found out my wife was leaving was learning that she was seeing someone else. When I see the kids, I try not to ask them too much about what they did with their mom because I don't want to hear something that would set me back. The small part that makes it easier is that she had an EA (possibly a PA) so I already have pictured her with someone else. It killed me at first but I got over it. 

I've realized that time heals everything in these situations. You will have your moments. I had one yesterday. I was home alone after a night out with friends Saturday and I was just lonely. I could have used the company of someone else to share in my day of just being lazy and relaxing. I thought about my wife...even had a dream about her when I took a nap. But I have to remind myself that she isn't the same person she was when we used to hang out together. So as lonely as I was, I don't think having her there would have helped anything (at this point) so maybe I'm just looking forward to the day when someone is there to share lazy days with me. It will happen. 

You just need to find something to consume your mind so you don't think about her. For me, it was receiving a text from a girl I've been hanging out with. If you're not ready for that, guess you'll have to find a hobby! Best of luck.


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## gally (Jun 28, 2010)

You know what? I feel better, it's hard but at the end she is no longer in my present. She is my past

Thats such a strong thing to say,,, you should be proud..


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

gally said:


> You know what? I feel better, it's hard but at the end she is no longer in my present. She is my past
> 
> Thats such a strong thing to say,,, you should be proud..


Thank you  it all comes from a book called The Power of NOW. The main idea of this book is that our our mind keeps dragging and reliving the past over and over. At the end, IT NO LONGER EXISTS, and will remain that way. What's the point on tormenting ourselves with hurtful thoughts, lets look at the bright side, we will be at peace with or without a significant other. I want to be at peace with myself before I look to find somebody else if not I am 100% sure it will not work out.

I am looking forward to have a new life, a new me and for the day that she will be cleared from the back of my mind. I know that day will come, I have been in this situation already and time heals, time dessolves and time gives you always a new beginning whether we like it or not. Good luck to all of you my friends, take it day by day and don't let life slip through your fingers.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I hear what you're saying 'Stbx', but it's OK to think about the past good times, I'm even at a point where I can look back when I was a whimpering fool over her, I think now about how much stronger it has made me to go through that pain, and even though I am dating and this woman is hounding me night and day, sending gifts to my job, I feel bad because I don't feel the connection, I know it's too soon, I just like going out with someone I guess, my wife seen the woman I dated and started texting me that I have kids who need their father???, that was not nor has ever been an issue, but I guess the fact she seen me still bothered her a little, I just can't get close to anyone yet on an emotional level anyhow..but time, time, time.


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## MissingHer (Mar 14, 2010)

2Daughters said:


> my wife seen the woman I dated and started texting me that I have kids who need their father???, that was not nor has ever been an issue, but I guess the fact she seen me still bothered her a little


I'm sure you're not letting your dating get in the way of being a good father. Hopefully she realizes that eventually your kids will meet the person you are seeing...eventually and when you know it's the right person. 
The way I look at it right now is that I can go out on dates and have fun with friends when the kids are with their mom. When I have the kids, I'm a dad first. It's been pretty easy to balance so far. I'm sure it will get a little more complicated if and when the relationship becomes more serious. We'll cross that bridge when we get there.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I really respect you both for going through and having kids, if it has been pretty hard for me that I don't have kids, I just can imagine what it has been for you. I tip my hat to you.

I have had my ups and downs, I had a meeting with my counselor yesterday and I always leave his office with a feeling of peace. I guess it's because I let everything out, I was already feeling at peace when this piece of news hit me like a rock, but it was supposed to happen I guess and now I am getting up and the point is to smile to every single day that passes by and one has survived. It's been 100 days since this happened, 100 days that have taught me SO MUCH, where I've cried, I've laughed, I have received SO much support from everybody, I have counted my blessings and I am still here...alive.

Right now I am at peace with me, with her, with everything. That feeling I cherish it even more than happiness, peace is easier to attain.


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