# Just Gave no Contact Letter (Plan B)...But???



## hurting1296 (Dec 13, 2011)

Found out she had been lying to me and still seeing her lover. Kicked her out last night, she packed today. When I came home she was still here, followed me upstairs and asked if we could talk. I told her not right now.

How can w do "no contact" when we have 2 small children and both work crazy shiftwork??

In my letter I put "Contact only regarding separation arrangements and to discuss children," but how is this "no contact" ?

I don't know what to do? I want to make sure she sees kids, she is there mom, but I don't want her here when I'm here, becasue otherwise it's not plan b.

Any suggestions?????? Aaarrrggggggggg 

See earlier: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/36415-lost-second-guessing-everything.html


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

To properly plan b, you will need an intermediary through whom you will communicate. The IM should understand that you don't want anything but essential details when passing them to you. None of the wayward blame or gaslighting or anything negative should make it to you. Only info about children or finances, etc does

You will also need a designated pickup/dropoff point in order to prevent contact with your wife. Those are the essentials to a proper plan b.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

How about sending emotionless direct text messages when there is something that need to be said absolutely?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Suemolly said:


> How about sending emotionless direct text messages when there is something that need to be said absolutely?


What sort of things that need to be said?


I used email, it was the only way that I would communicate. That way I had time to diget. If anything emotional was said I ignored it and only answered things like when to pickup/drop off our son. Email was a very good buffer.


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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

Hi, Suemolly
No contact means no contact.
If you choose it then you have to stick to it.

Use email and text to communicate. 
Stick to it and don't reply to emotional message.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You will get better responses be staying on one thread. That way people do not have to look up previous threads. Also your new thread will not show up on members subscribed threads.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html Start reading these threads. You have made a lot of mistakes the way you have handled this so far.
Sorry you are here, good luck.


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## hurting1296 (Dec 13, 2011)

I sent this email yesterday after I discovered I could not handle seeing her in our home even to visit our girls (6,3):

"My Dearest ___,
I believed, that you coming into the family home to visit the girls would be something that I could endure. I was wrong. I cannot welcome you into the family home that your choices have hurt.
I do want you to see our girls regularly. You are an amazing mother, but I cannot cope with the pain that seeing you inside the family home creates.
I propose that after your Mom picks them up from school Tues-Thurs, she brings the girls to her house in the van to spend time with you. I will drive your mom's truck back to her and pick up the girls at 630. This way you get to have dinner with them and do homework with ___ and ___.
Think about this weekend and let me know what times/days you would like to make arrangements for me to meet you at your mom's so you can spend time with them.
Love,
___"

I got this email from her last night:
"Dear ___,

I understand your position and the pain I have caused to you and the family. We both need to sit with girls and help them understand what is going and I think it needs to be done sooner rather than later. I would like to keep their world as stable and consistent as possible. Regardless of the hurt we feel we need to suck it up a bit and help them get through this. If you are talking to a counselor maybe could provide some insight and healthier ways to help them cope.
I understand the need to push me away because of the choices I have made and the destruction they have cause. I just have a hard time understanding the benefit of disrupting the girls world any more than it has been because of the of the pain we feel. I am in no way asking to pretend things are ok. I just think me being able to drop them off or do normal little things around the house is being unreasonable. If you are there or not its your choice. But seeing eachother in passing is something I hope you could cope with if it makes things easier on the girls.
Whether or not it makes any difference to you or if you will even believe I am telling the truth I have a need to clarify a few things. Yes I have been talking to ___ (AP) on the phone and at work. I meet him at BJ's on Monday to talk. Since you found out about the affair I have not been intimate with him.
I am not staying out of the house to because I am choosing to be with him. I am staying out of the house because I dont think I should be there and I have caused you and our family to much hurt and pain. I can not forgive my self for the damage I have caused. 
I stand by my choice to fix me and figure out what it is I need in life. I would also strongly caution you when talking to ___(AP) wife. Regardless of what has transpired in the past few weeks. She is a very manipulative self serving person. I m not worried about her telling you what she thinks him or I are doing or have done. I am concerned you will underestimate her or let her know too much about you and the girls. Please be cautious when sharing personal info with her.
Im sorry for the hurt I have caused you. You do not deserve what I have done to you. You have always been a kind, loving, honest and dedicated husband. I only wish I could have been the same for you.

Love
___"

This was my reply email last night:
"Dear ___,
I have some good printouts on talking with kids about separation.
As far as the idea you have about coming over to the house, it is not ok. I understand what you are believing regarding the girls, but it will only cause more confusion. ("Yay, Mommy is back home....Why is Mommy not here again...etc") And, part of your choices (Continued contact with Will and a desire to separate from the family) do not warrant contact in the family home.
For the girls fragileness, any more confusion, would be worse. ___ is well aware that you have left because "we broke up." I have reassured ___ that we both love her, we are just going to be living in different places, and she and ___ will be spending time with both of us. ___ is "going with the flow" as usual.
Let me know what time tomorrow you wanted to get the rest of your things and I will make sure I am not here. And, let me know when you wanted to see the girls this weekend.
I love you when we married, and I still love you to this day.
___"

Thoughts, Ideas, Help??????
Tired of crying.....
Thank you!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

edit your name out at the end for starters


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## hurting1296 (Dec 13, 2011)

Update: Friday she asked to come back home. She said she wanted her family back and thanked me for waiting for her. That day we held hands, talked, and she said she wanted to take a leave of absence from work so she doesnt see him and she wanted to make this a "home". She told our 6 yera old daughter "we are back together." It was a great day!
But.....last night she pulled away again. this morning she gave me the "I love you, but I'm not in Love with you"
I am continuously using patience and trying to talk with her about the love busters and his needs, her needs, as well as 'the 5 languages of love' (Chapman)
She seems to pull away.....So now back on plan A.....how do I talk with her about the books without coming acroos like "selfish demands"??
Helllllppppp!!!!!!!!!!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

My friend , she pushes your buttons and you jump .

Give her an ultimatum tonight , she commits to the marriage , to you and all the boundaries you will set . If she argues pack her bags, call her folks to pick her up.

Read the thread below

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

You tell your children why mommy left and name the OM
Call her parents and yours and expose her adultery
Have you tracked the OM's wife and exposed to her , if he is single call his parents and expose to them .

The only way your marriage will recover is if you stand up for it . Run the 180 in the newby thread.

No more Plan A you are not emotionally strong enough to take her abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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