# Confused and hurt



## yubajailer (Jan 23, 2012)

Hello all,

My wife just recently left me a week ago and says she needs to find herself, and love herself and needs time to do that. I am a hard working jail deputy that works shift work (swing shift) and have a very stressful job to deal with. About a year and 3 months ago we had a mutual seperation to see if there was still love. After 3 weeks we were back together and love was strong. The first seperation my wife was unemployed and trying to find a job which put even more stress on our relationship. My wife is now working full time at her job she quit to pursue a better job which didnt work out. She also has a lot of stress at work and is getting a lot thrown at her because she knows what the job requires. On Jan. 13th 2012, my wife called me from work saying that she was going to stay at her moms for a while to try to work things out. I was in the middle of getting ready for work and couldnt belive what I was hearing. Iy has now been a little over a week and she states she needs to find her self again and says I'm not the same person she fell in love with. She told me she felt sheltered and lonely because I was never home to be with her. We have a 6 year old daughter that is taking the seperation pretty good. I get up every morning and go pick her up for school so I can still see her because of my hours at work, that is the time I get to spend with her. We have been married for 5 years and together for 8 years. I work long hard hours fighting prisoners, drunks and what ever else comes through the door. My hours are 3:30 till 11:30 pm so that puts me at work while they were home eating dinner by themselves and would be in bed by the time I got home. My wife told me she needs to find herself again, to love herself and to be happy. I admit I am not the same person I was 8 years ago when we fell in love, but I do admit my faults in the relationship. I also have the need to find myself too. I accuired a drinking habit that I have quit. 7 days sober now. I also kinda let myself go and got outta shape and just dont feel good anymore. On Jan 21st we had a birthday party to go to that was planned before the seperation. While at dinner with our friends I noticed that her wedding ring was not on her finger. This kinda got me mad, hurt and confused. After the dinner we went to a club and danced all night together and had a good time. Today she came over to get some more of her stuff from the house and let me hang out with my daughter. When she came to pick up our daughter we had a talk. She told me she needs to find herself again and I need to do the same, then we will find each other. Im confused because because the holiday season she was posting on her facebook things that she is greatful for. One post was about me and how I work a risky job only to provide better for my family and also stated that I was her other half that made her a complete whole. Then wrote it's not about finding the person to live the rest of your life with, but finding the person you can't live with out. And told me it was me. I'm so confused, I admit my faults in the marriage (communication,time with family, addiction) and realize that I do need to work on my own self assurance of who I am. Since the seperation I have started a journal to write down my thoughts and my worries about the seperation. I am also 7 days sober today. Is there still hope??? I want to give her space to find herself also and it is helping me find myself too. I am still very much in love with my wife. Our sex life was good, the last time we had sex was 5 days before the seperation and many times before that on a regular basis. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. I have made strides to better myself but want my wife back. I know it has only been a week but how long do I wait???


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## yubajailer (Jan 23, 2012)

I also asked her if she was wanting a divorce and she said I dont know..She tells her friend that she wants her space and time to figure stuff out and see what happens. I'm gonna give her space and see what happens. I know she is not out looking for other men because I asked her and told her if she is to tell me and be honest with me. One of her best friends contacted me and told me that she was not out looking for another man, but just wanted some time to figure it out.


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## testing123 (Jan 9, 2012)

I'm going through a similar situation right now. All I can suggest is as tough as it is you need to leave her alone. Use the time to work on yourself. Read up on the 180, do it for you. It is super hard, to try and get yourself out of this sad and depressed mind set, but you have to do it for you. The only thing you can control right now is yourself.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

I wouldnt doubt that you two are going to get back together again but its gonna require changes for the both of you. Maybe finding a job that wouldnt get you home so late would help. Working out would help too because it takes away a lot of stress (and gets you in shape). Your wife needs to grow up a bit though. Leaving is never the answer imo and if you have problems then why run from them? Confront them head on and deal with them as best as you can.

Best of luck to you.


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