# In need of some advice



## Clubman91 (Jun 1, 2017)

Hi all I'm hoping some of you maybe able to help or advice me in the situation I'm currently in with my wife, a bit of background to begin with, I'm 25 and my wife is 22 weve been together for nearly 6 years and married for 6 months, about 6 weeks ago now I think, my wife turned to me and asked me what I thought about having an open marriage as she had been unhappy with our sex life for a while and admitted she had been faking it for a couple of months, with some ground rules and that we always come home at night, not wanting to lose her I thought long and hard about her proposition and agreed to it with the rules we set in place, we agreed to be open about it and tell each other when we were going out, she's told me she's slept with 3 blokes that she's met but I know from going through her phone a couple of times that there is definitely more, she is forever on her phone talking to other blokes even when we are together, the other night she was even on a live video chat with one of them when I was sat next to her on the sofa, its really starting to piss me off we are constantly arguing about it and I'm scared that I'm going to lose her completely, and I've tried to talk to other women online but don't get any replies which isn't helping my state of mind, when I know she's got a queue of men wanting to sleep with her longer than my arm, every time we try and talk about it it ends in a slagging match saying nasty things neither of us mean and one of us walks out, I want to say to her that its either me or them and that's it if she keeps going then I'm going to leave, I'm torturing myself Im barely sleeping ive started drinking regularly and smoking a lot heavier than usual, and when I try to do something nice or spontaneous she doesn't appreciate it anymore


----------



## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

You're scared that you're going to lose her completely? Sorry to fill you in but you've already lost her. Open marriage, following the rules, whatever....if she's sitting next to you on the couch in your home texting, talking to and video chatting with other men, she's gone.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The only thing I can envision as being worse than losing my wife is sharing her.

Let her go.


----------



## Clubman91 (Jun 1, 2017)

That's what I'm thinking, it seems that even having sex together is a chore for her now she barely talks to me during the day and I know her work is hectic but it only takes a second to send a text, and for when we are at home together we barely talk to each other, we have tea sit and watch tv and go to bed same thing everynight, I'm always the one to put the effort into our relationship and it feels like she can't be bothered anymore, going to try talking to her tonight but it'll probably end with me walking out and sleeping in my car near work again  cheers guys like you say might be time to call it quits


----------



## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

@Clubman91 My ex and I made some of the very same mistakes you and your wife have made/are making. I had lost sexual interest in him very early on and we agreed to an open relationship with rules and all. It went downhill real quick and ultimately led to the demise of our relationship. 

Now it's pretty obvious to me how ridiculous it was to expect that we could fix our sexual issues by going outside the marriage. All it did was solidify my aversion to sex with him. The truth was I lost interest because he was too much of a nice guy and subconsciously, him agreeing to an open relationship made him appear even weaker in my mind. Every time he let me get away with bs most men (and women, including myself!) would have zero tolerance for, I lost a little bit more respect for him. It is very difficult to maintain respect for a person who does not respect themselves or demand respect from others. He allowed me to walk all over him because he was overly concerned with being a nice guy and pleasing me. Although I could not realize it at the time, deep down I was desperate for a man who would refuse to accept bs, a man with character, a man who would not bend his boundaries just to please me. That is so much more attractive than a nice guy. 

I immediately started a relationship after things fizzled with my ex. Within months, I was a very different person because I knew I couldn't bull**** my new partner. My ex was shocked. I wasn't. It's very simple, you teach people how to treat you.


----------



## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Clubman91 said:


> That's what I'm thinking, it seems that even having sex together is a chore for her now she barely talks to me during the day and I know her work is hectic but it only takes a second to send a text, and for when we are at home together we barely talk to each other, we have tea sit and watch tv and go to bed same thing everynight, I'm always the one to put the effort into our relationship and it feels like she can't be bothered anymore, going to try talking to her tonight but it'll probably end with me walking out and sleeping in my car near work again  cheers guys like you say might be time to call it quits


Why would you sleep in your car? Get in your own damn bed and tell her she can have the couch. And yeah - she's already checked out. The good news is that you're young and there are plenty of healthy women out there. I'd say get this over with while your wife is in the fog and don't look back.


----------



## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Clubman91 said:


> That's what I'm thinking, it seems that even having sex together is a chore for her now she barely talks to me during the day and I know her work is hectic but it only takes a second to send a text, and for when we are at home together we barely talk to each other, we have tea sit and watch tv and go to bed same thing everynight, I'm always the one to put the effort into our relationship and it feels like she can't be bothered anymore, going to try talking to her tonight but it'll probably end with me walking out and sleeping in my car near work again  cheers guys like you say might be time to call it quits



Do not waste your time going to try to talk to her tonight. It's going to go exactly how you've imagined. Don't do this sleeping in your car bs. Sleep in your own damn bed man. Stop doing exactly what you've been doing for years, it hasn't been working, it's not going to work now. She's only going to lose even more respect for you and think you're incredibly lame. Please, please do yourself a favour and read the links here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-better-man-better-partner.html


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So you gave your wife permission to cuckold you. How's that working out for you?

Is there some reason you wouldn't kick her ass out of the house?


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> The only thing I can envision as being worse than losing my wife is sharing her.
> 
> Let her go.


Agreed 100%

She is gone and on a sex binge from the looks of it. Time to cut and run.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Clubman91 said:


> That's what I'm thinking, it seems that even having sex together is a chore for her now she barely talks to me during the day and I know her work is hectic but it only takes a second to send a text, and for when we are at home together we barely talk to each other, we have tea sit and watch tv and go to bed same thing everynight, I'm always the one to put the effort into our relationship and it feels like she can't be bothered anymore, going to try talking to her tonight but it'll probably end with me walking out and sleeping in my car near work again  cheers guys like you say might be time to call it quits


Sir, get a set and cut this relationship. Why are you sleeping in the car? Weak move. Perform a in house separation as you work towards full separation.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sadly, I don't think you can recover from this, unless she agrees to close the marriage and work on it - you probably need marriage counseling as well.

You agreed to an open marriage without having the correct underlying conditions to make it work. Almost always, the relationship has to be rock solid in every way, because opening it will quickly reveal any issues - as you've found. One problem is that she was too young when you married, and never got to date and explore like most young people do. She's making up for that now, obviously, and to your detriment.

In addition to requiring a rock solid relationship to begin with, there is usually going to be a huge disparity in opportunities to meet and have sex with others. This does not bother some couples, but for most it can be an issue, as the man is often left out completely or has very little success. If you both agree to manage this so that she limits her opportunities to balance with your successes, then it can work. IMO, if you both want sexual variety, it is usually better to pursue swinging together rather than seeing others separately - there is no imbalance created.

Anyway, the issues that have arisen highlight some serious problems with your marriage, and it will be extremely difficult to repair even if you are both completely willing to try. If you don't have kids, it may be easier and smarter to split up and move on.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Open marriages can only work for a small percentage of people. 

Tell her it doesn't work for you. You can either try to fix your sex life, of you can divorce.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Find that scrap of dignity you have left hiding somewhere and use it to arrange for a divorce. You guys got married too young. Learn to be ok single and alone for a year or two, while you go out and just date FOR FUN. No serious relationships.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*She's denegrated to the level of total trash! Let go of her like a hot rock!

You'll remain disease-free that way!*


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Kick her to the curb before you find yourself a) riddled with STDs, b) raising some other dudes' kids, or c) both.


----------



## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

Clubman91 said:


> Hi all I'm hoping some of you maybe able to help or advice me in the situation I'm currently in with my wife, a bit of background to begin with, I'm 25 and my wife is 22 weve been together for nearly 6 years and married for 6 months, about 6 weeks ago now I think, my wife turned to me and asked me what I thought about having an open marriage as she had been unhappy with our sex life for a while and admitted she had been faking it for a couple of months, with some ground rules and that we always come home at night, not wanting to lose her I thought long and hard about her proposition and agreed to it with the rules we set in place, we agreed to be open about it and tell each other when we were going out, she's told me she's slept with 3 blokes that she's met but I know from going through her phone a couple of times that there is definitely more, she is forever on her phone talking to other blokes even when we are together, the other night she was even on a live video chat with one of them when I was sat next to her on the sofa, its really starting to piss me off we are constantly arguing about it and I'm scared that I'm going to lose her completely, and I've tried to talk to other women online but don't get any replies which isn't helping my state of mind, when I know she's got a queue of men wanting to sleep with her longer than my arm, every time we try and talk about it it ends in a slagging match saying nasty things neither of us mean and one of us walks out, I want to say to her that its either me or them and that's it if she keeps going then I'm going to leave, I'm torturing myself Im barely sleeping ive started drinking regularly and smoking a lot heavier than usual, and when I try to do something nice or spontaneous she doesn't appreciate it anymore


Dude, I'm so sorry. It's way over. Agree 100% with the far side guy who said sharing her is only thing worse than losing. 

Maybe you think you won't replace her and you're right--you can find a much better person. If I were in your position I would feel emotionally ripped open and lost. Do you have a few good friends? You'll need them. 

You're so young, man. You'll be much better off getting out of this. You can't undo this/put the geni back in the bottle. It seems that you want monogamy--that's the only way to go for me too. 

Don't worry about how much attention she's getting vs chicks that respond to you online. If she's puting out a **** me vibethan she will never run out of ****s to screw. This is poison and you will only get more and more hurt. 

An open marriage is not a marriage--it's room mates


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Make sure you get tested for STD's and frequently.


----------



## Rod1987 (Sep 5, 2017)

Clubman91 said:


> Hi all I'm hoping some of you maybe able to help or advice me in the situation I'm currently in with my wife, a bit of background to begin with, I'm 25 and my wife is 22 weve been together for nearly 6 years and married for 6 months, about 6 weeks ago now I think, my wife turned to me and asked me what I thought about having an open marriage as she had been unhappy with our sex life for a while and admitted she had been faking it for a couple of months, with some ground rules and that we always come home at night, not wanting to lose her I thought long and hard about her proposition and agreed to it with the rules we set in place, we agreed to be open about it and tell each other when we were going out, she's told me she's slept with 3 blokes that she's met but I know from going through her phone a couple of times that there is definitely more, she is forever on her phone talking to other blokes even when we are together, the other night she was even on a live video chat with one of them when I was sat next to her on the sofa, its really starting to piss me off we are constantly arguing about it and I'm scared that I'm going to lose her completely, and I've tried to talk to other women online but don't get any replies which isn't helping my state of mind, when I know she's got a queue of men wanting to sleep with her longer than my arm, every time we try and talk about it it ends in a slagging match saying nasty things neither of us mean and one of us walks out, I want to say to her that its either me or them and that's it if she keeps going then I'm going to leave, I'm torturing myself Im barely sleeping ive started drinking regularly and smoking a lot heavier than usual, and when I try to do something nice or spontaneous she doesn't appreciate it anymore


Every psychological article I've read about open marriage is that the only way it's likely to work is when both partners are in an otherwise solid marriage, that a perceived view of a lack of sexual fulfillment is essentially the only problem. It seems that when a marriage is already rocky, open marriages or cuckolding isn't the answer. Practicing either without trust and love would more likely ultimately wreck the marital relationship.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You lost her before she asked for the open marriage.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sadly you married a serial cheat with no moral values at all. Is this the women you want to be a mother your children?
She only asked for an open marriage because she had already cheated with at least 3 men, she should have told you before you married, she clearly had no intention of ever being faithful or keeping the promises she made.
Sadly there is only one way out.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Clubman91 said:


> Hi all I'm hoping some of you maybe able to help or advice me in the situation I'm currently in with my wife, a bit of background to begin with, I'm 25 and my wife is 22 weve been together for nearly 6 years and married for 6 months, about 6 weeks ago now I think, *my wife turned to me and asked me what I thought about having an open marriage as she had been unhappy with our sex life* for a while and admitted she had been faking it for a couple of months, with some ground rules and that we always come home at night, *not wanting to lose her I thought long and hard about her proposition and agreed to it *with the rules we set in place, we agreed to be open about it and tell each other when we were going out, she's told me she's slept with 3 blokes that she's met but I know from going through her phone a couple of times that there is definitely more, she is forever on her phone talking to other blokes even when we are together, the other night she was even on a live video chat with one of them when I was sat next to her on the sofa, its really starting to piss me off we are *constantly arguing about it and I'm scared that I'm going to lose her completely*, .......





Clubman91 said:


> That's what I'm thinking, it seems that even having sex together is a chore for her now she barely talks to me during the day and I know her work is hectic but it only takes a second to send a text, and for when we are at home together we barely talk to each other, we have tea sit and watch tv and go to bed same thing everynight, I'm always the one to put the effort into our relationship and it feels like she can't be bothered anymore, going to try talking to her tonight but it'll probably end with me walking out and sleeping in my car near work again  cheers guys like you say might be time to call it quits


Dear Clubman91; Enough time has passed since you first posted, that you should be able to tell us how it went.

Personally, I think that ending a marriage should be a group decision (involving the two of you talking it out). If you were a relative or friend, I would advice you and your wife to visit with a sex therapist to talk about if your marriage has any kind of future. I think it would be hard to save your marriage, but depending on what the both of you want, it just might be worth a try. 

When my wife and I were in sex therapy our marriage counselor asked us what we envisioned a good marriage to look like. Then she helped up plan how to relate to each other in a way that was consistent with what we thought a good and happy marriage would look like.

Good luck to you and let us know how you are doing.


----------



## Silver Traveler (Aug 11, 2017)

Hello, @Clubman91.

One of the words that nobody here has mentioned yet is "boundaries." Healthy people have boundaries. "You may treat me like this, there will be consequences if treat me like that." It is part of having a self. It is part of being in a healthy relationship.

@Keke24 put it well when she said, 


Keke24 said:


> .... It's very simple, you teach people how to treat you.


We all want our relationships to be happy. The ultimate trump in any relationship is, "I'm leaving." Healthy people respect and honor themselves enough to be able to say, "I have limits. I want to be in relationship with you, but if you cross these lines, I owe it to myself to do something different, if for no other reason, staying will cause me to be diminished as a person. And that's not okay."

And so we start looking for extremes. Would you tolerate her trying to murder you in your sleep? Absolutely not! Would you tolerate getting beaten up? Hopefully not. And so you try to figure out where you hard boundaries ought to be and to own them.

I had very few boundaries with my first wife. She threatened to divorce me at least 100 times. She never did and I just took it. When she died, I was so broken down and diminished I couldn't have even told you my favorite color. There was very little of Silver Traveler left. I found time in Codependents Anonymous to be huge in finding my "self" and learning how to live in healthy, loving relationships.


----------

