# every now and then



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

My relationship is strong. I love my husband very much and he me. I have no doubt that he and I are in for the long haul, and not just staying. We spend every day together, work in the same office (though in different departments), do many of our entertainment and hobby stuff together, though we both also have our own hobbies. After something like 18 years we are not the march along as room mates type marriage.

I have one small thing on the back of my mind. If you have read any of my other posts, you may know that when we first married, things were not so great. There were many things that we both did to solve the problems facing us. One of them, for me, was lightening up. I was very sensitive. Every other thing was "disrespect". I had a short fuse for any kind of ribbing type humor. The advice I got from another group I was in at the time was to lighten up. Only take disrespect when disrespect was meant.

Well in the process, it sometimes seems to me that lightening up pendulum has swung so far that ALL utterances of emotion from me are met with some kind of humor avoidance. 

I guess it seems like I now have painted myself into a corner of having to lighten up/ self soothe EVERYTHING. I still think that the vast majority of stuff I was uptight about was too uptight. But it still is so darned hard to get him to take something I have to say SERIOUSLY. 

When I do finally get to the point that I want him to listen to me, not just throw off some kind of dismissive joke, it winds up in a fight in which he rails against how awful he is and how hard it must be to live with him....

While I am sympathetic to the rightness of his claim to self esteem issues (his parents tended to be hyper critical) I can't help but think sometimes that it is just another tool of avoidance.

Does anyone else run into this? 

On those occasions that it happens, it gets ugly. Overall it is not a huge deal because the practical and larger issues are all dealt with fine. But if I say I want to go to a restaurant, and he uses every vitriol in the book to describe what an awful restaurant it is, and I feel like I was just called a moron for liking such a thing. ... Well how hard is it to say geez hon, sorry I made you feel bad. Instead of you are too sensitive or whatever.

Yah I know it is not a big deal.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mom,
Welcome to my world. What would happen in the "restuarant" scenario if you:
1. Used humor
2. Used a light "edge" in your voice and said "Why don't you suggest an alternative". 

And then we he got defensive - don't soothe him. Not your job. This is your way of letting him know you don't like what he is doing without getting into a place where you are being unfairly called sensitive. And if he presses hard on this it is fine to be straight "I am allowed to be as irritated by your delivery style as you are by my awful judgement in cuisine". And then smile and shrug. 

If my W "went off" on a restaurant suggestion I would likely caricature the situation with "Actually I just remembered a friend told me that the waiters there spit in your food - or "worse" if they think you are uppity. Followed by - "So would you like me to put in a standing reservation each week for Friday 8 PM or would you prefer to do it". 

In fact, when I over react which I sometimes do my W definitely has fun caricaturing the situation, and my behavior. She has gotten very good at that. Works really well. 




Mom6547 said:


> My relationship is strong. I love my husband very much and he me. I have no doubt that he and I are in for the long haul, and not just staying. We spend every day together, work in the same office (though in different departments), do many of our entertainment and hobby stuff together, though we both also have our own hobbies. After something like 18 years we are not the march along as room mates type marriage.
> 
> I have one small thing on the back of my mind. If you have read any of my other posts, you may know that when we first married, things were not so great. There were many things that we both did to solve the problems facing us. One of them, for me, was lightening up. I was very sensitive. Every other thing was "disrespect". I had a short fuse for any kind of ribbing type humor. The advice I got from another group I was in at the time was to lighten up. Only take disrespect when disrespect was meant.
> 
> ...


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

The only thing I can think of is for you to try to remain calm and not exacerbate his defence mechanism. He doesn't want to listen because he's probably afraid it is his fault and he already halfway believes it.

Maybe tell him you want to talk about it later when he can talk without getting so defensive. You want to work with him, not against him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I agree Mom has to stay calm. It all begins and ends there. And sometimes just saying "I understand" when someone is having a melt down is ok. You can always ask them later "I understood you WERE melting down, just not WHY. I would like to know why if you are willing to tell me"



ClipClop said:


> The only thing I can think of is for you to try to remain calm and not exacerbate his defence mechanism. He doesn't want to listen because he's probably afraid it is his fault and he already halfway believes it.
> 
> Maybe tell him you want to talk about it later when he can talk without getting so defensive. You want to work with him, not against him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I run into this a lot with my H. He'll make sarcastic jokes that i feel aren't nice. for example the other day we were picking out flowers and I said, "i hope the ones i planted grow" and he said, "Ya if you don't ruin them by overwatering." its a small retort but it was said sarcastically and it was negative. He also said something at a restaurant that i felt was demeaning. He says he means nothing by it but he says off-handed negative things a lot and it wears on me.

My approach has been to stop him immediately and tell him I feel hurt and that he has to say five nice things about me. 

That has a tendency to change the mood immediately. I don't make a big deal about it at all and i try very hard to remember to phrase it in such a way that is not accusatory by not saying, "You hurt me" or "that was mean" or "why do you always." I try not to label his motivation. The only thing i say is "I feel hurt." 

At first he tried to defend himself and tell me he didn't mean it and he wasn't trying to be mean. I will tell him I completely understand he didn't mean it but Id still like him to say five nice things about me. I never argue but i always insist.

Its worked really well. For about a week I had to do that a lot but lately i haven't had to do that at all. He even used it on me a couple times.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Interesting, my mind was in a similar neighborhood tonight.

I'm practicing so hard at "owning" every damn emotion I have, being unaffected, shrinking my sensitivity zones (thanks for the term, Conrad), but once in awhile, it's OKAY for someone to admit "what I said just now had an effect on your feelings, and I care about that because I care about you."

it was quite possibly the WORST timing imaginable that my H said to me "only you can make yourself feel xyz."
Sometimes it gets old, and at those times, it's nice to know you can lean on someone who can share responsibility for your feelings.

Not sure if it's quite what you were referring to, but it resonated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Nobody got even the slightest bit worked up. It is a minor thing. But every once in a while I would like him to be able to say oh you feel that I was critical of you? Didn't mean it. Sorry. Instead of cracking some deflective joke. 

Blanca, he never ever back handed criticizes me through jokes. At least not for real criticisms. He speaks to me directly and very thoughtfully. If he criticizes me through jokes, it is for some minor failing that we both agree is a little known foible, like losing my keys. We BOTH laugh. If I were to tell him I did not like one of his jokes, he would stop.

As I say, it is a small point. Feeling sensitive this week perhaps. Maybe that is why he never learns it. Likely by next week I won't even notice.


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