# love must be tough



## mom1230 (Dec 5, 2012)

Hello - 
I won't go deeply into my situation; I will try to give you the readers digest.
Basically, my husband kind of snapped mid - july. He came out and said that he doesn't know if he can be in the marriage anymore, that I have abandoned him emotionally, etc. Since then, he cheated on me, came back, wanted to fix things, then didn't, then did, then didn't. Its been up and down this entire time until November when he decided when he is was in Europe for work that he did not want to try anymore. When he came home he came and got his car and left. He apparently is getting an apartment soon near by. 
I haven't mentioned that I am 9 months pregnant with our first baby.
We have been together 11 years, married 8. This is all so completely out of character and the last thing i would ever expect from this man.
Anyway, I just finished reading Dr Dobson's book "Love must be tough" - I understand his point of view and I have stopped groveling and begging this man to come back. In fact, I am barely showing any emotion at all when we speak. I just can't figure out what Dr Dobson is telling the reader to do - I see what he is telling the reader what NOT to do; but can't seem to find any practical advice in the book on how to act...
has anyone read the book - any help on my confusion?


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## DrDavidCOlsen (Oct 7, 2012)

In situations like this, tough love means "never pursuing or begging the distanced to return. It means not bargaining, or pleading.
It means taking a firm stance and emotionally detaching.
If there is ever going to one change - the distancer must make the first move. The "dance" must change which usually means spending minimal time together, and building up one's support network.
It can sometimes be helpful to have a time limited amount of couple sessions to see if together you can clarify what went wrong.
Individual therapy can also be very helpful.

David Olsen, PHD, LMFT - The Couple's Survival Workbook


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Mom, to expand on Dr. Colsen's analogy, it sounds like you've been doing the dance whenever your distancer makes that first move - for the third, fourth, fifth, or fiftieth time. 

I'd encourage you to follow the 180 written by Michelle Weiner Davis and posted in Elegirl's signature.

Focus on your life now, and the life of your child. Do whatever is in your baby's best interests - not his. 

If you are wanting to get back together ultimately, the best way to do it is to become the person who is having such an enviable life that she no longer worries about getting back together. That means finding celebration and joy in your life despite the pain that you feel. It means finding meaning and purpose in your activities, whether you're taking care of your daughter or taking care of yourself by doing something you enjoy. (How many of us have given up hobbies we once loved because we got deeply involved in our relationships?)

Best wishes to you and your new little one!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

mom1230 said:


> he decided when he is was in Europe for work that he did not want to try anymore. When he came home he came and got his car and left. He apparently is getting an apartment soon near by.
> I haven't mentioned that I am 9 months pregnant with our first baby.
> I just can't figure out what Dr Dobson is telling the reader to do
> but can't seem to find any practical advice in the book on how to act...


First you need to tell your husband in certain terms that his behavior is harming you and your unborn child. Don't assume he understands the obvious, tell him you expect him to honor his marriage commitment and be responsible for you and your child and cut out all this coming and going and cheating and whatever.

Set a timetable for him to make good and if he doesn't find his way, reach out to relatives, friends anyone you know who might have traction with him and ask them to intervene on your behalf and try to lead your husband back into your marriage.

If this doesn't work or is just not feasible, file for divorce on grounds of desertion, file for child support and set your sites on finding someone who will keep his promises.

Not to put words into Dr Dobson's mouth, but tough means tough. Be loving but be tough in your words and your actions.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

Hi mom1230,
My heart goes out to you---to be 9 months pregnant and dealing with this is ALOT.  My thought about the practical application of that book you are reading is, by knowing what NOT to do...you are in essence then doing what you need to be doing. Hope that makes sense. Anyway, I am praying for you just now. I hope you have support from your family and that they are nearby to help you. Please keep us updated on your situation. Hugs!


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