# I did something super Dumb.



## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Well, to begin with I went out to dinner with my brother and my aunt. She asked me if I thought my wife was remorseful for what she did, or that she got caught. No one really asked me this, and I really could not answer, which scared and worried me.

Fast forward to 1st quarter of the super bowl, watching it at home with the wife. I asked her what she would like to do on Valentines day being my parents are taking the kids over night, and she is most likely having the next day off. She said "I don't know it depends how I feel. If I feel "blah" I don't really want to do anything". Now, this got my blood boiling considering that I have been fighting threw all the emotions most of you on here are aware of just to be staying at home right now, and V-day is the one day in the past she has always been able to (sick or not) have a good time.

Well instead of fighting in front of the kids, or me blowing up I got my jacket on and she asked what I was doing. I told her I will talk to her when I get back I need some time alone. Which would have been a good idea IF it was only going to be 5-10 minutes or so....

I ended up walking well over 30 blocks (we live in the middle of the city, in northern MN right next to big old lake superior...its was F-ing cold) ended up hitting up a local bar (I hate bars) and having a few drinks, and having a few of the girls that work there buy me some as well. They were just listening to my rant about what was going on, and thought I could use a few on the house.

Then on the way home, I got stemmed up again thinking, "who the hell is she to say, "if I am felling alright"" I got to my house, sat on my porch for at least another 30 minutes, and walked inside and walked to my bed. I was gone well over 3 hours....

Once home, I DID talk to her about everything on my mind. By this point she was crying, mostly about the remorse thing. I felt like a jack ass of course and ended up cuddling and apologizing all night. When we went back to bed (we watched Glee after the superbowl and after talking) I got the cold shoulder like never before, which after she noticed me staring at the ceiling finally came over to my side and cuddled. I hope this did not take us back another step....I just figured it was better for me to get out at first then to blow up in front of the kids, and instead of getting angry just walk out and blow off the stem. I just did not think it would take that long.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Bigwayneo said:


> I just figured it was better for me to get out at first then to blow up in front of the kids, and instead of getting angry just walk out and blow off the stem. I just did not think it would take that long.


Sh*t Wayne, I thought you were going to say you hit her or you sodomised the OM with a garden gnome or something.

To get upset is normal. You didn't fight in front of the kids and you didn't do anything majorly stupid. Give yourself a break, this is perfectly understandable. I certainly wouldn't have apologised.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

HAHA, hitting her or sodomizing the OM ( I am pretty sure there is a large line for that one) would be beyond dumb...I don't know what that would be but dumb is an understatement. 

I did not apologize for why I left, or that I left in the first place. It was the length of time, and not bringing my phone with me. If it was 10-15 min. then it would have been no thing. But over 3 hours, me laving the car, she was worried I was not coming home, or worse. That is why I apologized. The only issue now is that the walk is taking its tole on my body. I am not in good shape one bit.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

you did nothing wrong. In my opinion your actions were far from dumb, actually I think you did the smartest thing that you could have done given the circumstances.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You are almost perfect expect with a problem- you don't understand women's language.
No= Yes
Yes=No
When she show herself cold, she's actually hot inside but use "cold" to cover the fact that she's hot.
When she said depended on how I feel, it means, c'mom baby, show me what you've got! So pay attention to her language style.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Thanks, I guess like J said, I am being to hard on my self. I just know my dad did that kind of **** and I told my wife when we she first moved in with me (5 or 6 years ago?) that I would not do that to her. But then again, things are different right now of course.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

When she's showing a terribly cold looks, you know, she actually wants you to rip off her panties(show her lots of love) and show her what you have got!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

MsLonely said:


> You are almost perfect expect with a problem- you don't understand women's language.
> No= Yes
> Yes=No
> When she show herself cold, she's actually hot inside but use "cold" to cover the fact that she's hot.
> ...


Well then, where were you about 15+ hours ago? Even if I knew that though, I have no idea if it would have helped my mood. We shall see what happens then. I will make an attempt to have a good V-day, but I hope she understands it will not be easy on my end.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

How many years with your wife. You don't understand women's language typical style so you always made her cry...
You need to read between the lines.
"It depends how I feel..."= I want you to make me feel extremely good.
Remember?
No=Yes
Yes=No
Maybe=No
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

If maybe=no, then No is what I hear 99% for just about everything from sex to what to eat for dinner.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Bigwayneo said:


> Well then, where were you about 15+ hours ago? Even if I knew that though, I have no idea if it would have helped my mood. We shall see what happens then. I will make an attempt to have a good V-day, but I hope she understands it will not be easy on my end.


Take it easy, V day is a good day to get yourself humped silly by your wife. She's been long for it...
Her crying explained everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Bigwayneo said:


> If maybe=no, then No is what I hear 99% for just about everything from sex to what to eat for dinner.


LOL
Now you get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

When women talk they tend to create a distance in hope you would run after her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I think your lady enjoys being wooed. 
That's why she always likes to create distance to show she's cool and pound as a queen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

MsLonely said:


> You are almost perfect expect with a problem- you don't understand women's language.
> No= Yes
> Yes=No
> When she show herself cold, she's actually hot inside but use "cold" to cover the fact that she's hot.
> ...


 I don't know who said this is the "women's language" because I don't use it at all. If I say yes, then I mean yes. If I say no then I mean no. Maybe is just that. This can be very dangerous advice to give without knowing his wife personally.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

DawnD- Though I do not want my wife reading my posts yet, I am linking her this one and asking her thoughts on MsLonelys post. For the most part, I agree with you (DawnD) But at times I wonder if my wife uses what MsL is talking about.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Of course its possible that SOME women do that. But I wouldn't rush to assume whether or not your wife does or doesn't. 

I think that line of thinking can lead to very dangerous outcomes, remember the old "no means no" commercials?? LOL.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Check it out! Women's English Women's English
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mugel7 (Feb 6, 2011)

You did the right thing with the kids around if you though you were going to blow up. My wife just admitted to me last week that she has been having a 6 month affair. I don't drink but I felt like walking out. Didn't have anywhere to go tho. Its tough. Mornings are tough on me. I think about it as soon as I wake up. Did your wife stop her affair?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

That's a joke link. Really?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Yes, as soon as I found out. I am 150% sure of it. And not just because she told me either.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I don't think you did anything wrong, I have found when I get angry to take a walk or something . We tend to say things that we may regret later when we are in the heat of the moment. Maybe next time call her and say I'm okay I just need to be alone I will be home later.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

Ignore Mslonely, she has the most horrible advise for betrayed spouses. That is likely due to the fact that she is also a cheater and blames her H for not catering to her needs.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

bluesky said:


> Ignore Mslonely, she has the most horrible advise for betrayed spouses. That is likely due to the fact that she is also a cheater and blames her H for not catering to her needs.


Yeah, I got that from reading around the site. Though not all of her advise is bad. but the majority.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Jaded Heart said:


> I don't think you did anything wrong, I have found when I get angry to take a walk or something . We tend to say things that we may regret later when we are in the heat of the moment. Maybe next time call her and say I'm okay I just need to be alone I will be home later.


I agree. That is the reason I apologized. I would never want that on my end, so it's only fair.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Bigwayneo, I think that what you did was extremely good. Your wife has done wrong and now when you are trying your best to cater to her, she has the nerve to blow you off and act indifferent.
That would likely piss me off bad enough that on V-Day, I'd ask her how she feels right first thing. If she's really upbeat, tell her to plan your V-Day. If she is still sulky, forget it.

Don't let her turn this whole affair (pun intended) into your fault. She's the one that cheated.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

bluesky said:


> Ignore Mslonely, she has the most horrible advise for betrayed spouses. That is likely due to the fact that she is also a cheater and blames her H for not catering to her needs.


That's a bit rough bluesky. She has a different point of view to the normal, granted, but that is sometimes a good thing. I sometimes try and play devil's advocate to try and balance out the accepted orthodoxy on this site. There is also a culture gap, a different attitude to gender roles etc. Again it that can be refreshing.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I would say this one thing: I would not necessarily look to MsLonely for advice on how to recover after the affair or how to build a healthy, loving, intimate marriage of equals--but what she writes does somewhat fairly accurately display the way that a disloyal spouse thinks. 

My guess is that most loyal spouses would find disloyal thinking hard to take and somewhat "beyond reason" but I for one am grateful to have someone who demonstrates it so plainly because here is the truth. In many ways that is the mindset and style of thinking that we are working with. Unfortunately, when a disloyal comes on this site completely fogged in, rather than letting them speak what seems like the real truth to them, our forum tends to just shoot it down, be disrespectful, and ignore it. And unfortunately that kind of treatment (shot down, disrespected and ignored) is very likely what made the marriage vulnerable in the first place. 

Sooooo...I have to admit, I am NOT the kind of woman who says "Yes=No" and all that. When I say "yes" I mean yes and when I say "no" I actually mean no. I just am NOT into making Valentines Day a big production--too much of an introvert. I like small, meaningful, private ways of expressing love much better--so when I say "Please let's not make a big deal out of V-Day" that doesn't mean "I don't love you" it means "I do not personally enjoy a big deal on V-Day" and nothing more or less. 

For your wife, BigWayneo, I would venture a guess what she means is "Please do not sent long-stemmed roses to work or hire a mariachi band to serenade me. We are not at that point romantically yet. Let's do something lower key but maybe meaningful." Thus I would suggest a promise ring. Remember those? In high school or college we would give someone we loved a promise ring with a little stone in it, and that would signify a commitment to a monogamous relationship. Maybe one with a little heart stone and it can fit any finger...like this:










...and instead of taking her out to dinner, what if you two looked at new recipes and you cooked for her? Try Mediterranean or Greek recipes for something different--or a recipe from her heritage (like I'm German...so German recipes). Go shopping for the fresh ingredients together and cook for her like a chef! 

See what I mean? Meaningful but not a "production"


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

That could work as well. Maybe I will try some of that. I don't know if I myself am ready to buy her a promise ring yet. But the rest sounds good. Just shows how messed up things get with affairs. She loves big productions and going out, but you are probably right on what she wants this time around. I will talk to her tonight, and hopefully not freak out.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Just as FYI--I suggested a promise ring because they are not really all that "expensive" (so it's not like you're handing out jewels after infidelity) and yet they do represent a commitment to keep working on it. It's the idea of communicating that stability and that promise "I'm going to keep trying even when it's hard" that I thought was kind of cool--and appropriate to where you two are at. 

My hope is that as you learn to identify the ways you contributed to the marriage's issues...and as she takes ownership of what she's done and works to learn more about marriage and herself and you...that you two will recover. Are you there yet? Nope not yet--but you are at least walking on the right path and that's encouraging.


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

Bigwayneo said:


> That could work as well. Maybe I will try some of that. I don't know if I myself am ready to buy her a promise ring yet. But the rest sounds good. Just shows how messed up things get with affairs. She loves big productions and going out, but you are probably right on what she wants this time around. I will talk to her tonight, and hopefully not freak out.


I'm going to say something about the promise ring based on some of the things I've seen AffairCare say previously, and it makes sense. As far as "being ready" to give a promise ring, don't necessarily NOT do it because you don't "feel" it. Now, you may have a different idea that's just as effective, and that's something you will be able to decide.

Now, I would say, if you're committed to the marriage, and rebuilding the marriage, to do something like the regardless of how you "feel". The thing is, something like that may make a love bank deposit and make her feel good. Your love for your wife is a deliberate choice, while the feelings are somewhat of a reaction or consequence of that choice. When you put effort into it and get shut down, you feel bad, when it works, you feel good.

Where both your wife and you find yourselves is a point in which there are a lot of mixed feelings, hurt feelings, and emotions. At some point, to restore THAT to a positive level, one of you will have to make the **choice** to promote caring and loving actions. Why not be the one to take that first step? If you both continue to wait on the other, you might think, "Well, I'm tired of trying because she doesn't." At the same time, she might think, "Well, he stopped trying, so why should I?" Does that make sense.

This is just from my perspective, but figured I'd throw it out there. I've found that knee-jerk reactions and reacting from feelings and emotions is rarely the best way to handle things at any point in life. I've had many people question me for the tactic, saying I'm too passive, but at the same time, I've had many say that it's nice to see me take things as they come and react based on what I believe in and know to be right.

Also, as far as how you reacted, it was probably a good step to get out instead of lashing out. Was it the best idea to go to a bar or stay gone without your phone for hours? Probably not, but overall, I wouldn't beat yourself up much about it. You gave yourself time to cool before reacting out of anger or impulse.


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## Candystripes (Feb 7, 2011)

MsLonely said:


> How many years with your wife. You don't understand women's language typical style so you always made her cry...
> You need to read between the lines.
> "It depends how I feel..."= I want you to make me feel extremely good.
> Remember?
> ...


Totally wish my husband knew this better. Duh! 

"It Depends how I feel" means *exactly* "I want you to make me feel extremely good!!!" Duh!!! 

Why do men always forget women need to be convinced you still like them everyday??? This is not rocket science. If you men think you are the dominant sex, then why wouldn't you assume the weaker sex needs more encouragement and love than you????? Huh???? 

Sorry, I am not at all knocking your response to your wife. I don't think you did anything wrong 

I am just constantly dealing with this issue myself. What woman wants to come out and say "I know exactly what I want to do on Valentines Day.... you to plan sitters for the kids and tell me a month in advance you have an awesome plan in mind... don't ask me what 'i want', then, take me on a bunch of adventures and when i feel like you have showed yourself off enough, doing a, b and then c, i will feel like a prized woman and make love to you for a week". instead, we just say "i don't know". we don't want to tell you how to surprise us. brother!!! 

Recently, I have taken to not expecting my husband to do things for me so I bought myself the flowers I want (while i watched other men buying crappy arrangements for their women), and told my husband what to get me for valentines day (though i have been hinting for months i wanted a certain ring i love, had taken to the jewelers to copy because it's amazing, to turn it into a silver creation), finally i had to say "I want you to get me that ring from the jeweler's for valentines day." today i will probably have to call them to see if he put through the order or not because he will feel bad he didn't get anything, i won't have the ring (which I am substituting for my wedding ring because i am too fat for my real one.. either i get it resized or buy a new ring for the same price). Normally, i would never do this. i will probably get pissed at him after v-day for me having to pave the way for him. unless he's smart enough to do his own thing no matter what I say. to show his love... but does he care for me? i guess we will find out won't we? or do i have to once again tell him how to like me? having to do it myself is rather sad and depressing. that is why as women, we say things like: "i don't know what i want to do for v-day, i feel kind of blah" 

Do men want their wives to tell them what to get them for a surprise? i need and answer for this one. Like honestly, my heart is sad about this. I married my husband because I actually wanted to marry me! that makes total sense! Duh! 

Sorry, touchy subject. brother!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: with what Land wrote!

#1--if you wait for "feelings" they may or may not come around naturally, but if you act out of determination and decision, then the feelings will come. Lots of times people get that a bit backwards thinking "Oh I'll wait until I have the feelings and THEN I'll act in a loving way" but in reality if you act in a loving way, making the conscious decision to behave in a way that communicates love to her in a way she "understands" it...guess what? Loving "feelings" follow! So :smthumbup: :smthumbup: bravo, Land--well said!

#2--don't beat yourself up too badly. You didn't yell and scream, you walked away. Now it probably wasn't the wisest idea to go to a bar...and it probably wasn't smart to forget your phone...but they are mistakes. Here's the truth: people make mistakes (all the time), but the wise ones admit it, apologize where they take personal responsibility, and learn to do better. That's the difference! 

So if you want to apologize for forgetting your phone, take personal responsibility for being more thoughtful next time, and empathize with how that may have made her feel (worried, scared, mad) I would say that might be appropriate and then it's over with. What could you have done better? How will you do that next time?


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

You both make great points. I will attempt and find a nice (cheap though) ring. and hopefully get the right words to go with it. My parents are taking the kids. (I had that planned a while ago), I asked her to take the next day off as well so we can either spend it with the kids, or just the two of us.


I guess the next question is what to talk about, but that is something we need to discover our selfs I guess.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I think you did the right thing by going for a walk, albeit, a long one. Though I will admit that the girls buying you drinks sounds SLIGHTLY inappropriate, considering what started this.
As far as V-day, just take her out and do something-think of the consequences if you do nothing!


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Yeah, I left it out from her, They where employees who just wanted to chat. Bored because it is the one place the super bowl was not a big thing.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Bigwayneo said:


> You both make great points. I will attempt and find a nice (cheap though) ring. and hopefully get the right words to go with it. My parents are taking the kids. (I had that planned a while ago), I asked her to take the next day off as well so we can either spend it with the kids, or just the two of us.
> 
> I guess the next question is what to talk about, but that is something we need to discover our selfs I guess.


Oh this is easy. This V-day is not about big relationship talks. This V-day is about reconnecting as friends and having fun with each other. Remember back in the day when you two were dating and you could not WAIT to spend time with her? And she could not WAIT to spend time with you? Part of it was that you had crushes on each other and stuff, but part of it was that you were her BEST FRIEND and just liked hanging out with her. Being with her was just FUN! 

Right now, being with her is a little weird because you think of "the affair" and she knows you think about "the affair" so it's maybe not "bad" but the association would probably not be "good" or "fun"--yet that's the guy you want to be to her right now, right? So this V-day, you have just you and her--do FUN stuff. What have you two always wanted to do that you never got around to, or you thought "one day I'd like to XYZ if I get around to it" and you never did because of work, kids, schedules, etc. Well you got a Round Tuit! Do that fun thing on V-day. Want to go to the coast and enjoy the ocean? Just go have a picnic and fly a kite! Want to go see waterfalls? Want to go to an amusement park? What has she always said: "(sigh) I wish we could go there some day..." Well go! Go to the mall and mall krawl like kids all day. Go to the wineries like your yuppies. Go to a rave! LOL Go paintballing together (nothing bonds a couple like being able to paint-shoot each other ). 

Do the thing that you will REALLY enjoy, enthusiastically, and she will REALLY enjoy doing with you...and at the end of the day you'll look at each other and say "That was so much FUN!" 

Trust me, no big relationship stuff is necessary on V-day. Restore that connection of being best friends and remind her that she can "have fun" with you, and you'll be half way to feelings of love.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Thanks for the help Affaircare! I will use the advice well! I will also let you all know afterward how it went!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Candystripes said:


> Totally wish my husband knew this better. Duh!
> 
> "It Depends how I feel" means *exactly* "I want you to make me feel extremely good!!!" Duh!!!
> Is it really worth your time to play word games with him on it instead of just SAY what you want. Whats wrong with, yeah, I want us to do something really special like _____?
> ...


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Well, I got a promise ring for her and a card. But I have a small deli-ma I was hoping to get some feed back with. Now I won't use anyones exact wording, but I need some help with what to write on the card, as well as maybe writing a note as to the point of the promise ring. If any one (looking at you AC) had any good points I should try to get threw that would be great. I think I have the basics in my mind as what to right, but of course as the saying goes "might be easier with a fresh pair of eyes" Or in this case brain.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Well first I'm going to assume you have something "fun" planned for the two days--not romantic or something that'll feel like it's pushing sex, but for example, "Honey, you know how you've always said you wish we'd go to that Blues Club on X and Y street? Well I got us tickets to the house band tonight and I'm making Cajun food so you don't have to cook!" Or "Honey, you know how you and I have always wished we could go to a dog show in peace? Well while mom and dad have the kids, I found a dog show in The City and I thought it would be fun to go and just eat at the dog show." 

Next, have a few cute little things to give her all day. A cappuccino in the morning. A couple dark chocolate Hershey kisses throughout the day. MAYBE a little (little) teddy bear if she's that "cute stuffed animal" type (not sure). Then after a good day together, don't wreck it by trying to be all romantic. Smile at her and give her the box with the ring and say, "It's a promise ring honey. That means I promise you I'm going to look at the things I was doing to hurt our marriage and work hard to stop it. That means I promise to remember you in things when I'm making decisions. It means I promise to do my best while we work on this and I wanted you to have a thing to remind you of the promise I'm making for both of us." 

Then that's it. No more pushing for anything she doesn't want to do. No more relationship talk at all if she's not pushing the conversation there. Just say, "I had a great day and really had fun with you. I forgot how much fun we could have together, you and I. Let's do things like this more often." 

Okay? Get the general idea? She's not only your kids' mom and your lover--she's also your best friend and I bet that's the guy she's been missing a lot.


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