# Date or Not?



## Frosty (Aug 23, 2011)

If a man, who is engaged, goes to a bar alone with the best friend(attractive woman, but not as much as the bride to be) of the bride-to-be after everyone has gone home, is it a date? What if the man and the best friend have been friends for a long time?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

If they are both men I would say no.

Otherwise it is at least two opposite sex friends going out to a bar alone after everyone else is gone. hmmmmm. 

Maybe a date, but I would say very possibly an ill advised rendezovous.

I usually call, this dating if it is a regular thing.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Entropy3000 said:


> Maybe a date, but I would say very possibly an ill advised rendezovous.


:iagree: Not a good situation to be in. Most people lose sense of their boundaries when given a little alcohol.


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## Frosty (Aug 23, 2011)

I think it is a date. My wife disagrees with me which kind of irks me. Makes me wonder why she holds this view. She says "it is not a date but a view you hold that is super conservative." Whatever.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

Is he or she gay and the other not? In a perfect world a man and a woman should be able to go out and it mean nothing. This is not a perfect world. More precisely, we're not perfect people.


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## Frosty (Aug 23, 2011)

Sprinter,

No, no neither are gay. I think even the best can sometimes screwup if alcohol is involved. I say don't put yourself in a situation that might tempt you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In the straight male mind, there are three varieties of women. A. women they would like to nail. B. women they find sexually unappealing. C. blood relatives. There are no provisions for attractive "best friend" females, no provisions for "love her like a sister". If "over-conservative" means you expect your man to behave as if he is in a committed relationship, then I expect most women are over-conservative. Would he be ok with you spending copious hours at a bar with a straight attractive male "best friend"? I think his behavior shows a troubling lack of respect for you. You voiced your (reasonable) concern and he not only poo poos your concern but attacks your values. I suggest y'all very carefully figure out each others' values before getting married. Values clashes tend to be deal breakers.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Frosty said:


> Sprinter,
> 
> No, no neither are gay. I think even the best can sometimes screwup if alcohol is involved. I say don't put yourself in a situation that might tempt you.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Frosty said:


> I think it is a date. My wife disagrees with me which kind of irks me. Makes me wonder why she holds this view. She says "it is not a date but a view you hold that is super conservative." Whatever.


It would irk me too .... and would make me wonder as well.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Whether or not it’s a date, depends upon the intent of the two. If they are meeting to see if they are compatible for a romance it is certainly a date. Only they will know what it is and they might not even agree themselves. Knowing the history and context of each person can give you a clue to the real intent. 

Unbelievable’s argument is that any straight male has the goal to nail a woman who is not a relative that they think is attractive. If this is the personality of the guy involved then yes, it’s a date. But there are plenty of guys who don’t have this as a goal so the presupposition that it is a date for them is false. These are the kind of guys that relate well with women and tend to have woman friends. So if the fellow is this type of guy and there was a party going on in the first place and the two of them are not ready for the end of the night yet and so change the venue it’s not a date. It’s just good company and fun.

But the real issue here is that you have learned that you and your wife draw the line differently on this particular boundary. Your wife’s position of dismissing your view as conservative is not helpful because that indicates that her disposition for action would be to join someone at a bar in similar circumstances. You need to convince her that while it may not be a date in many circumstances as she understands it but it is risky behavior that you would prefer that she avoid. Set the boundary.

It is a very real possibility that what is not a date sets the scene for a real date later. It may happen that two people don’t have any intentions until the attraction bit flips, the dopamine rush hits and the context changes from safe to dangerous.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

Frosty said:


> If a man, who is engaged, goes to a bar alone with the best friend(attractive woman, but not as much as the bride to be) of the bride-to-be after everyone has gone home, is it a date? What if the man and the best friend have been friends for a long time?


Sorry, need more information. 

After everyone went home from doing what where? 

Was the bride to be there with them and went away as well? 

Did she leave on her own or was she not invited to join them? 

What where they doing together toward the end? In other words ,did everyone leave and they spent time cleaning up an area and decided to hit the bar next door to unwind?

This friend who is a girl, Is she the brides friend, the mans friend, or both? 

How long till the wedding? How long till the bachelor /bacheloret party?


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