# Wife and Her Vibrator 2



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Hello all,

I didn't want to hi-jack the "Wife and Her Vibrator" thread.

I have an issue and it is different than the OP of the other thread in that my wife uses her vibrator and denies me. 

I have posted my story a few times, and every once in a while I want to discuss it here with others. But I know that the answer will be the same (marriage counseling or leave). While I am getting closer to leaving, I just can't get myself to pull the pin.

Anyhow, back to the vibrator.

I have purchased a few different vibrators for my wife over the years. My thoughts were to add some spice, give her more pleasure and to hopefully get her to want to be intimate with me more often. She wasn't too crazy about the 'rabbit' or the 'we vibe'. But she seems to really like the 'magic wand'.

When we first got it, we would use it together and she loved it. We keep it up on a shelf in the bedroom closet. Often, I would look to see if she used it. You might say it is wrong, to snoop, but I am curious. If you know my story, you know my wife isn't the cuddly type. She never initiates any hugs, kisses, etc. Anyhow, when I would notice that she used it during the day, I noticed that she was more accepting of me being affectionate. Most often when she used it during the day, we would make love at night. At the time, my thoughts were that the vibrator was making her feel more sexual towards me. Now I am thinking maybe the sex at night was due to her guilt about her masturbating during the day. I never told her that I new she was using it when I was at work.

This was a few years ago. I would notice her using it maybe a couple of times a month. Didn't have a problem as it did seem to make our love life better.

Lately, we have been not getting along. Same issues as before in regards to her complaining about my communication/listening skills and me complaining about a lack of intimacy. We have been having sex maybe once ever three weeks or so, only after me virtually having to beg for it.

For the last month, I have noticed that she has been using the magic wand every couple of days. On the days she uses it she is cold to me. A couple of days ago we had an argument about a lack of sex/intimacy. She told me that she just doesn't feel like it. I got angry and told her she feels like it fine, just not with me. She told me that she has no sex drive and I then admitted I was aware she had plenty of drive as she was using the wand every couple of days. We haven't spoken since.

Another issue is that it seems to have made her less responsive. Throughout our marriage, the frequency of sex has been the problem. Not the quality. If I could get her started, she would most every time get into it. I admit that sometimes I don't last long enough for her to cum during intercourse, but I always have been willing to give her oral or whatever to ensure she is satisfied. The last couple of times, she hasn't been able to orgasm. 

I was doing some reading and have heard that because the wand is so intense, some women mention that they get numb and have a hard time getting off other ways.

So what do I do? 

Any help would be appreciated in how to move forward from where we are at.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Man that's a tough one sorry you are having to deal with this besides MC or IC for her 
Have you ever heard of Marni ? The wing girl she offers excellent advice on helping men
In the bedroom so to speak you could always accidentlt throw the wand away. Sorry I couldn't resist
Hang in their
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Sad:

If your wife were to start a thread here, what would she say about you? Why do you think that she complains about your communication and listening skills? Does she have any resentment about past incidents?

I think that if you two could be honest with each other and really listen to each other's feelings, you could resolve the blocks to intimacy that are holding up a passionate marriage.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Vibrators are known for being somewhat addictive, in the sense that they are a mostly reliable way of orgasming and may make orgasm without them more difficult. Also, masturbation as been shown to reduce peoples' ability to bond with others. Double whammy. Can you do the man-up stuff and initiate sex with lots of foreplay more? The more she bonds with you in sex, the less she will want the vibe.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

MSP said:


> Vibrators are known for being somewhat addictive, in the sense that they are a mostly reliable way of orgasming and may make orgasm without them more difficult. Also, masturbation as been shown to reduce peoples' ability to bond with others. Double whammy. Can you do the man-up stuff and initiate sex with lots of foreplay more? The more she bonds with you in sex, the less she will want the vibe.


Not addictive, but desensitizing. It takes a while to get your original sensations back after using a vibrator, especially the rabbit ones. I actually got bored with my first one. I picked my second one out. I look on adamandeve.com all the time seeing if there's something new. However, I much prefer my husband over a cold toy anytime. 

If we do use a vibrator, that means I'll be having multipule orgasms that night. We need to recharge the batteries, our new one takes up a lot of juice just to run it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I started typing what she would say and it is a really long and complicated answer.

What would she say or what should she say? Her perception is quite a bit different from reality.

I met my wife 28 years ago at college. We lived in the same dorm. She had moved away from home at 17. I was 19. She moved away from home to get away from her controlling father. He made her feel like a tramp. He didn't trust her. He was an alcoholic. He was mean to her mother. Nobody talked when they were around him, because they were scared of him. I comforted her at college when she was upset after talking to her mom. Her father and mom had gotten into a big fight. She felt guilty for leaving her mom with him. But she told me she had to get away from him. Everything was about him and what he wanted to do. His opinion was the only opinion and anybody that didn't agree with him was an idiot.

A few weeks back I was talking to her mother about how she is. Her mother said, "She is certainly her father's daughter. You have put up with her this long, no use stopping now."

I was talking to my wife's sister and her husband about a fight we had with our daughter. My brother in law couldn't believe the way my wife acted. My sister in law (wife's sister) said that is exactly how dad was. That is what we vowed we would never do to our children.

So without getting into a huge discussion about the type of communication we do have, all I can say is that it is very difficult to communicate with someone like my wife.

I love her and when times are good, they are very good, but lately those good times are farther and farther apart. And a good time can turn into a war zone with the mention of one wrong word.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Not addictive, but desensitizing. It takes a while to get your original sensations back after using a vibrator, especially the rabbit ones.


Yeah, that's why I qualified my use of the word 'addictive' with the rest of the sentence. I didn't mean it literally. Although people seem to be able to get addicted to just about anything!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

That explains a lot. If she is like her alcoholic father, she uses escape as a means to face life's problems.

You need to have a long talk with her, and explain that she is not meeting your needs. I think that the vibrator needs to go, too, because she is concentrating on her own pleasure while ignoring you.

Can you get to the bottom of how she sees your marriage? What resentments does she have? She needs to get over this, and be a full participant in your relationship.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Thanks for understanding 'lovesherman'. Thank god my wife doesn't drink. I think she knows she would have a problem with it if she did. She is just like her father was though. She has gotten worse since he passed away a couple of years ago.

I need to get us into Counseling, but she won't go. She says, how can you talk to a stranger when you can't even talk to me. She is scared to go to a counselor because she knows she wouldn't be able to bully them. She is a totally different person in public than what she is at home with me and the kids.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Sad:

Do you think she would set aside time each week to discuss your relationship honestly? The rules are that each person must say what they feel without interruption, and the other person must listen without becoming defensive.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

She will not agree to anything. She is right and I am wrong. She just walked by and saw I was on this forum. 

She said, "Looks like your marriage therapy site isn't working very well!". 

I said, " It would be nice if you did some reading on relationships."

She said, "I don't have to. You are the one with the problem."

I know that my only options are to put up with it or leave. I have been putting up with it for many years. It seems she has the attitude that she can do whatever she wants and i will just take it. 

If I was to leave she may care and agree to go to counseling. But she may very well just let me walk. I really have no idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Geez....it's worth a shot.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

You've been here for a while, so can I assume you've done all the MMSL and NMMNG type stuff? How did it go?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

she's traded you in for a piece a machinery. maybe you need batteries in your thingamaig.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I doubt the vibrator is the source of your problems. I would tend to view it as symptom of a much larger problem with your relationship. If she won't go to MC then it would be a good idea for you to go to IC. You may learn how to better navigate this issue through IC. 

A vibrator can desensitize if used to often. Try giving her oral at first and bring her to orgasm. There are a lot of video clips that show good techniques on the web. It may be helpful to watch some of them. And no I'm not talking about porn. While they are graphic they are purely instructional as well.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> She will not agree to anything. She is right and I am wrong. She just walked by and saw I was on this forum.
> 
> She said, "Looks like your marriage therapy site isn't working very well!".
> 
> ...


Hi Sam,

Nope. I don't agree with the options that I high-lighted above. They are NOT the only options that you have at this point.

Your other option is to NOT put up with it. I am sure you have heard the mantra here about 'manning up' and learning to overcome 'fitness tests' from your wife. Nobody said that doing that was easy, but getting to the point where YOU respect YOURSELF and find that you have worth independent of your wife is what you need to strive for.

When your wife gives you a snarky comment like she did, you could have said right back in a humorous way "You are right honey...I am the one with the problem ... and it's about <brief description of your wife>" with a raise of your eyebrows and a quick smile and wink.

Do NOT let her beat you down, Sam. Stand up for yourself. Get yourself away from having to be "Sad Sam I Am" to "Glad Sam I am *I AM*!"

Best wishes.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

MSP said:


> You've been here for a while, so can I assume you've done all the MMSL and NMMNG type stuff? How did it go?


Thanks for bringing this up. I have read some of the MMSL stuff in the past and agree with much of what he says. I did some re-reading on his website today. I see that I have been doing some things wrong. 

1) Not helping out around the house - I run a small business. My wife is a SAHM. She spends her days working out, socializing and shopping (kids are in high school/university). She always has supper ready when we get home. She does housework/laundry in the evenings and on weekends Because I have been pissed off, I have not been helping.

What would an alpha male do? 

Should I suggest/demand she do the housework during the day while I am at work and the kids are at school? 

That is kind of the approach I have taken. While not saying it, I feel that this is 'her job' and that it is her choice when to do it. But doing it at night doesn't mean I have to do half of it. She gets angry if I am sitting around watching TV or playing a game on the Ipad while she is working.


Should I suggest/demand she get a job?

We don't need the money, but sometimes I think if she had a job, she might be happier. I have asked her about any goals she might have. Her only real goal is to eat well and keep fit. Doesn't really help us retire any sooner or be better off! Would also mean that I for sure would be doing half of the housework.


Should we hire a maid? 

I have offered to do this. We could easily afford to have someone come in once a week to vacuum, clean floors and bathrooms. She doesn't want to. I think it is because she would feel guilty about it. She would be ashamed if others found out that she has a maid. She is very concerned about what others think of her (why she exercises, spends a bunch of time with makeup and her hair).

2) Not keeping up my Sex Rank (exercise) - The past 30 years of sitting in front of the computer have taken their toll on me. I went from being a fit college athlete (180lbs - 6' tall) when my wife met me to being 30 - 40 pounds overweight (am 210lbs now). While I play in a sport league once a week, it is more for socializing than it is for exercise. 

The past 3 weeks I have been exercising most days. I have dropped 10 pounds and actually feeling pretty good. We have an exercise room in the house and I have been spending an hour a night in there.

I think maybe I should join a gym. This would mean being out a couple of hours each night instead of an hour at home. Will give me a chance to get out more and do more socializing. Maybe being around her less will make her want to be around me more. 

What do you guys think? Will this help our relationship or not?

I think at the very least, it will help me to prepare for life without her should I decide to leave.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Hi Sam,
> 
> Nope. I don't agree with the options that I high-lighted above. They are NOT the only options that you have at this point.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the 'pump up' Enchantment.

I am going to 'Man Up'. 

When I am away from my wife, I am a confident person. I feel good about my business. I know I am very good at what I do and feel appreciated by my clients. I am very successful and people in our community look up to me. 

I will start helping with supper if it isn't ready when I get home and I will help clean up after. I will take time to myself each night to exercise. If I get home and there is laundry to fold or things to put away I will do it. 

My kids are getting older and don't need me to be there all the time running them to their events. I am going to spend more time on me. Exercising, getting fit and getting out. My wife can either join me and participate in our relationship or watch me leave.

Wish me luck.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

The Alpha would probably go get even or one ahead with one of her friends
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

As far as housework goes, I'll come back to that in a minute, but the main thing is that when you address it with her you need to do so from a position of strength. Being alpha is not just about firmly taking the lead. You need to actually be leading somewhere. That means you need to have goals in your own life and be meeting them. The exercise is good. Doing it at the gym is more official, but it also opens the door to complaints like, "Why did you buy that gear if you're not using it?" It's your call as to whether or not that complaint is likely. 

The fact that she gets angry if you are relaxing while she is working at home strongly indicates to me that she does not see you as alpha enough. Perhaps it's your job, your fitness level, your social life, or your confidence. It's also possible that she doesn't feel appreciated for doing it--which is the typical beta viewpoint--but I don't think that is the case here, since she has also replaced you in the bedroom with a battery-operated toy. It is very rare for a woman to do that with an alpha male in the house, but they'll do it with beta males.

You definitely need to have an active social life. Society regards people without active social lives as losers, so why should we expect our spouses to think very differently? Social interaction makes you feel good about yourself and it offers an opportunity for preselection, even if in a sexually-neutral environment, because if other people like you then that makes you likeable--right? Likeability is attractive. You'll also be less needy at home. I prefer social activities that allow for interaction and physical activity together. So, sitting at the bar is not nearly as good as joining a running group or a tennis club, for instance. Not only will you be involved socially, but it also involves goals, plus competition is good for raising testosterone. What goals can you achieve at a bar? None that are great for marriage. However, watching TV at a friend's house is still better than sitting at home and watching TV. But not by all that much.

I especially recommend a more active social life to you since your wife obviously regards it as important. You said she spends her days shopping, socializing and working out. Hence, those are things she sees as important and you should mirror them, to an extent. So, you should work, socialize, and work out. And you should do it better than her, as much as possible. Try finding areas of weakness in her workouts and exceeding them. Same thing socially: if she has a regular day out with her girlfriends, make sure you have a regular night out with the guys, as well as anything else. But don't do things apart too much. Ideally, you should spend more and more time together. Too much individual stuff just creates space for affairs.

Most importantly, work on your confidence. You can cover up just about any other alpha lack with confidence. I'm not sure where you are at with this, but for the sake of anyone else who might read my post I'll just dump a bunch of info on you. Confidence is not arrogance, selfishness, recklessness, or extroversion. Confidence is a calm expectation of positive results from your actions. Too many people focus on the minutiae of being confident. They examine their body-language, the words they choose, etc. Forget it. Just expect the outcome you desire and everything else will follow. Mostly.  Paul McKenna has just released a book called I Can Make You Confident. I don't actually own this book, but I own three others by him and they're great books, so I strongly recommend this one. 

Okay, now to answer some of your questions. No, she should not get a job. Her working just makes you look even less alpha by comparison. She can get a job later, once everything else is great at home for you, if that's what you both want. You should also not hire a maid, because that just reinforces the idea that she should not be doing the housework. If you're working and she's at home, she should do the housework. If she has time to socialize and whatever else, she has time to wash dishes. It's not about the time, remember? It's about motivation--which will pick up when you are more alpha. Hiring a maid is a beta move in your situation. 

I would not harass her any more about the housework. She knows what the score is; she didn't move in with you yesterday. Nagging is a DLV. What you should do is organize a few events every so often that fall on weeknights and weekends. Tell her in advance: "Honey, I got a baby sitter for this Friday and tickets to [event]. Just so you know". She now has the option to either work some other time of day or catch up on the work the next evening. Chances are that she'll do it when you want her to do it. Actually, the chances are that she'll fitness test you by arguing against your plans. Stand firm. Tell her words to the effect of, "I've organized it and I'm letting you know now. This is what we're doing." But smile when you say it! It's gonna be fun! If things are so far gone that she totally refuses to go with you, drop it and go with someone else. Then wait a couple of weeks until you're more confident from exercise and stuff and hit her with another one.

Finally, for now, initiate sex and dominate her in the bedroom. Don't ask her for her input, but do have as much foreplay as possible. Loads of kissing, especially. She needs to bond with you again.

This should turn around for you, but don't expect thirty years to be fixed in three weeks! I think you'll see small results or bigger, but inconsistent, results within a couple of weeks. But lasting changes will take a while. Hang in there!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Honestly as a woman I have to say I don't think that this is about the vibrator itself. She seems to be mad at you about something and I might say seems to be a piece of work. If she didn't have this vibrator she'd probably just do it on her own or go buy another one and hide it from you.
The fact that she used to use it and then have sex with you shows me that she wasn't using it to replace you. Maybe she was just horny that day and wanted two or more orgasms. 
I find that vibrators are fine but they get really boring. 
If I were you I would try to work on whatever the heck it is that she's mad you about. Good luck.


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## Spanishcock7117 (Apr 25, 2017)

I have the same issue going on ,i even record her orgasms secretly


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

....


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

peacem said:


> ....


what does this mean I have seen it a number of times and have no idea


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

It's a placeholder for the zombie picture?

This is a 5 year old thread.

My wife says a cool monster she would have fun being is a Vambie. A vampire zombie cross. I think she likes it because it sounds like Bambie.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> what does this mean I have seen it a number of times and have no idea


Yes I replied then realised it was an old thread so deleted my post. Sometimes I will delete a post '....' like so if I have changed my mind or felt it was inappropriate.


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