# How Do You Know?



## TroubledNights (Dec 24, 2015)

I won't rehash my first thread again here, this is the link in case you want the back story: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/309362-i-feel-so-violated-long.html

How do you know if you're considering working on the marriage because it is the right choice? What if staying and working on it is only because you don't want to go through all the pain of a divorce?

How can you tell the difference? I thought I was prepared for this. I have daydreamed about leaving my husband, being free of the stress and worry that goes with living with a partner who has multiple issues. 

I knew it might be hard, but I never expected to feel this crushing heartbreak. I spent almost the entire last week numb, and then Thursday night I started crying and I haven't really stopped. The tears are always right below the surface, pushing on my throat and swelling behind my eyes. 

My husband was admitted to a psychiatric hospital yesterday morning. Although he might genuinely be in pain from the ruination he has brought down on us all, I think it is also possible that he did it because he is worried that I will press charges for video voyeurism and he thought being hospitalized would be a safe way to avoid arrest. Or perhaps he decided to lay the ground work for a possible defense later on ("Look, judge, I was out of my mind and I even ended up hospitalized because I was so crazy! I can't be held accountable for my actions because I was crazy"!).

I have been doing some research over the past couple of days and it does look like porn addiction (among other addictions) might be a precipitating problem. It certainly fits with his behavior (the ED included, which really surprised me). 

Anyway, the full impact of this has just started to settle on me. And I am worried that this pain I am feeling will so overwhelm me that I will choose poorly. I am feeling so traumatized over the recording and feeling so heartbroken at the loss of my marriage that I am just over the top emotionally. All last week, I have been totally functional. I was focused on getting through Christmas for my children's sake (they are not little kids, 26 and 16 years old). I won't go back to work for another week. I won't be able to contact the attorney until Monday.

My friends are supportive, although they don't know the events leading up to this. I am such a private person. I can't tell them what he did. They tell me to just hang in there, and put one foot in front of the other. And they question if whatever he did is "big" enough to automatically go to divorce without trying counseling first. My brother is supportive, and he does know what happened. He told me not to make any decisions until my head and heart are clearer, but that he understands and supports me regardless of what I decide to do ultimately. 

We have a 38 year history together. He has been either a part of or witness to just about every milestone in my life. And I am sitting here, crying again, thinking of it.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

If you aren't 100% sure then wait to file and see how you feel later on. Is there a big hurry to file? This will also give him time to get help and you can decide based on how he is doing too.


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## TroubledNights (Dec 24, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> If you aren't 100% sure then wait to file and see how you feel later on. Is there a big hurry to file? This will also give him time to get help and you can decide based on how he is doing too.


There is no rush. There is no legal separation in the state we live in, so there is that aspect of it. It is either divorce proceedings or I have no legal protections regarding money, property, custody, etc.

We have been drowning in problems these past 10 months. I have day dreamed about what it would be like to have a life where the rise and fall of my time was based on my own behavior or choices and not the behavior and choices of someone else. I have felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall, over and over again. 

I love this man. I really do. The vast majority of our life together has been a huge positive for us both. But, and this is also huge, the darkness that he carries inside of him is dark enough to drown us all. 

It seems like it is a game of Whack-A-Mole. We address it in one area and it rears it's ugly head in another area. The gambling. The porn. The betrayals of me and my trust. The lying and secrecy that grow from those issues. It is just too much.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> If you aren't 100% sure then wait to file and see how you feel later on. Is there a big hurry to file? This will also give him time to get help and you can decide based on how he is doing too.


*I may have recommended that you make a trip on Monday to your lawyer's office!

Having just read how you truly feel, may I suggest that you delay that trip, and instead seek a long counseling session with your IC, or if you are engaged religiously, with your senior or associate pastor!

Find some alone time and pray in solitude. If there is someone you really trust who is religiously inclined, ask them to pray with and for you!

Love does conquer all, but it always helps to maturely talk it out! Much like in AA, your H has to acknowledge that he is now at the proverbial "bottom-of-the-barrel" and is in dire need of help ~ from you or from anyone else!

Then judge accordingly and make your ultimate decision! May our Heavenly Father lovingly guide and stand beside you through your arduous journey!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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