# i think i know what to do... but am having trouble doing it!



## waytooforgiving (Jul 16, 2013)

Call me stupid... Although I have been frequenting this website for about a month, I though my situation would be "different" and have not taken any of the advice give by you all to the other hurting folks. 

My fiance cheated on me and had an affair with my painter! And I am not talking some artistic, talented painter. I am talking about the guy that painted the house I bought for us to raise a family in. Yep. A slight step down! Long story short, she ended up having an affair with him that I caught onto about a month in. Shortly after Dday she moved out. All of the typical was said and done. She claimed they were just friends, that there was no affair, that it was all my fault, and on and on and on... In due time the truth surfaced and I went silent after having tried so hard to get her back. Lo and behold, the affair came crashing down. After she moved into an apartment across the street from him, their drama started. And you'll never guess what happened next (ok, you will....). She came crawling back. Typical remorse of a cheater after having been busted. Lots of trickle truths. Lots of additional lies. I eventually found out through a friend of hers that she had actually had a number of affairs while we were together. When confronted, she denied. She continues to deny, but I have no solid proof to present so there is no way of knowing for sure. But I can probably assume it to be true considering she had multiple affairs on her first husband.

Where are we today??? Well, I have been slowing considering R. She claims to not speak to him at all. When I ask, I either get confronted with lots of crying with her saying she knows she is a liar and a cheater, and plays the I am sorry card, or I get hit with the you treated me badly and mentally abused me so both sides of the street are dirty, we both need to gain the others trust back. Basically, there is no talking about my feelings because it always turns into her feelings too. Contrary to this, there are moments where she tells me how good of a person I am, how she screwed up, how its all her fault that we are where we are... What is the truth?!?!?! 

I have come to find out this morning that the OM is still in the picture. Not sure if it is still a PA, but am damn sure it is an EA. I want so bad to confront her on this, but can't do so without throwing her friend under the bus.

I don't know what to do at this point. Well, I kinda do. I need to get the hell out. But I am scared to. I don't know why. I guess I am weak. I want to continue to give her the benefit of the doubt. She is going to counseling. She is doing the "exercises" the counselor tells her to do. She claims she really wants to fix whatever is broken inside of her so she doesn't continue her patterns. She claims she loves me and wants to be such a better person. But then I find that it might all be a facade.

Are people really like this??!!??

I am not sure why I am writing. The above probably makes no sense at all. And truth be told, I could add pages and pages of details. But I am too warn out to write more.

Thanks for all ya'll do. I hope one day your advice sinks in and I take it. I know it is spot on.


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## bugmenot (Jul 4, 2012)

The answer here is simple but difficult - get rid of the fiance ASAP - she is a serial cheater and get into counseling. She's toxic and thinks you will be her doormat. *If you marry her you will need to DNA test the kids, the cats, and the dogs. She is not going to stop cheating - period. Bail now!! Remember it's not you it's her - shes not a good person.*


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Not married, right?

Well, being married for a long time, I can tell you that for the most part its not exciting. That's not to say that its boring but you go through phases where you become bored to death.

Given her previous record, both you and I know exactly what's going to happen if and when she does get bored. Unless you want to be cuckolded on a regular basis and probably have her carrying babies sired by other men you wouldn't want to go forward with this.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You are being played royally, Get out of this. You deserve some one who loves and respect you not a person who consider you as a plan B. 

She went out had her fun sex and both of them decided that it wont be good for either one of them to stay together, so they plotted a plan against you. She came crawling (Really?) and you took her back like a doormat. She manipulated you, she is still manipulating you. Stop being that doormat nice guy.

Why cant you ask for a Polygraph? But why? Why the hell you want even to talk her? Why you want to live your life in misery? Get some help from a good IC.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Your fiancé spread her legs for a tradesman. What would she do for the mailman, or the pool boy? You got engaged to an immoral cheating hussy. You must have alot of self hatred to want to stay with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

run run run.... your not married ......run run run. 


why on gods green earth would you want to spend the rest of your life with a serial cheater.

good luck with the rest of your life woth out her. I'm betting it would be you best decision and when you look back on it you won't regret leaving her and finding someone who is moral,honest.loving.


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## tlcnotathome (Jul 10, 2013)

She will not change. My husband had been married 2 times prior to our marriage. He had cheated on both. Should of been a red flag for me, but I was so in love. I was in denial that this loving man could do this to the person he loved. Boy I was wrong. He had 5 affairs with different women over the 9 years we were married. (truth be told they are more out there). Let her be and move on or you will get hurt in the long run.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You have been given the gift of finding out what kind of person your fiance is - no, actually re-confirming it. You apparently ignored the fact that she cheated in a prior marriage. So consider yourself fortunate that you're not facing this after a lengthy marriage and children.

She is a serial cheater and there is no reason to believe that will change.

Move on with your life. You deserve better than that.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

waytooforgiving said:


> *My fiance cheated on me
> 
> Typical remorse of a cheater after having been busted. Lots of trickle truths. Lots of additional lies.
> 
> ...



Yes, some people are really like this. 

Your fiancé has told you who she is. It's who she was. It's who she will be. She's told you, even shown you, exactly who she is. You should believe her.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

walk, no RUN away from this woman. She is a damaged deceitful person who needs to examine her own ethical compass. Things will only get worse. 

And get into to counselling yourself to figure out why you have so little self respect that you would even consider having this woman in your life.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

WayTooForgiving (WTF for short),

Due to my job back in the 70's and early 80's, I used to know a lot of swingers. How do feel about joining that club? That way, your fiancée can do her thing without having to hide it from you, and you'll get something for your troubles.

She's going to be a swinger no matter what you decide about my suggestion.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

waytooforgiving said:


> Call me stupid


Only if you take her back. If you can find your way to this site and write a coherent post, you certainly couldn't be dumb enough to marry her. 
Other than that, if I repeated what I'm thinking, I'd be plagiarizing the most of the other folks that's posted on your thread. It's like my grandmother used to say, "Boy, once you don sweep the dirt out of de house, don't go out der an track it rat back in"


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

waytooforgiving said:


> But I can probably assume it to be true considering she had multiple affairs on her first husband.


I stopped reading right here. No need to go on. Why are you engaged to a serial cheater ??

Were you her exit affair from the ex H ?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

waytooforgiving said:


> Call me stupid...
> 
> *she had multiple affairs on her first husband.
> *












"This is not the droid you're looking for."


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

waytooforgiving said:


> Call me stupid... Although I have been frequenting this website for about a month, I though my situation would be "different" and have not taken any of the advice give by you all to the other hurting folks.
> 
> My fiance cheated on me and had an affair with my painter! And I am not talking some artistic, talented painter. I am talking about the guy that painted the house I bought for us to raise a family in. Yep. A slight step down! Long story short, she ended up having an affair with him that I caught onto about a month in. Shortly after Dday she moved out. All of the typical was said and done. She claimed they were just friends, that there was no affair, that it was all my fault, and on and on and on... In due time the truth surfaced and I went silent after having tried so hard to get her back. Lo and behold, the affair came crashing down. After she moved into an apartment across the street from him, their drama started. And you'll never guess what happened next (ok, you will....). She came crawling back. Typical remorse of a cheater after having been busted. Lots of trickle truths. Lots of additional lies. I eventually found out through a friend of hers that she had actually had a number of affairs while we were together. When confronted, she denied. She continues to deny, but I have no solid proof to present so there is no way of knowing for sure. But I can probably assume it to be true considering she had multiple affairs on her first husband.
> 
> ...


Have you tried dating anyone else? That's great that she's working on herself. Maybe she should call you when she's better. Things like that take time. Do you really want to be her punching bag while she fixes herself? She will destroy you in the process.


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## waytooforgiving (Jul 16, 2013)

i know all of you are right... but here is what i struggle with.

what if i had given her more love and affection? more attention? what if i were doing it now? would all be different???

before i had a hard time doing it because the relationship was draining. its almost as though she is insaciable, meaning there is never enough. now i have a hard time doing it because of the cheating/affair.

is there any logic to thinking if i try really hard to give her what she wants/needs that all will be ok?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Picture her standing at the altar saying her vows to you.Knowing what you know now,do you see yourself believing her?


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

waytooforgiving said:


> i know all of you are right... but here is what i struggle with.
> 
> what if i had given her more love and affection? more attention? what if i were doing it now? would all be different???
> 
> ...


Nope. It may have prolonged the inevitable.

I LIKE all of the previous posts telling you to run like h#ll!!

I wished that you would look at your posting name and realize that you should not be "waytooforgiving." Don't do it. 

Spend you days finding a good woman. Stop wasting time on the bad ones.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

add r to the you LOL! My r key sucks.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She clearly has no respect for you and had no problem putting your health at risk for STD's. I feel very sorry for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? For you to even consider recovery shows that you are a masochist. You were plan B.

She was screwing a guy behind your back while you were engaged. What more is there to say? Please seek counseling to understand your lack of self-esteem. You are plan B and doormat for her. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Hoping someone changes isn't a good position to put yourself in.


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## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

She doesn't seem remorseful nor contrite. Time for her to hit the road.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

waytooforgiving said:


> i know all of you are right... but here is what i struggle with.
> 
> what if i had given her more love and affection? more attention? what if i were doing it now? would all be different???
> 
> ...


Oh my God! really? What if a genie popped out of a bottle and gave you a million dollars and what if it rained skittles? Don't base the rest of your life on What if.

STOP! Do not blame yourself for the deceit of a serial cheater. That is 100% on her and 0% on you. PERIOD

I said it before. Please start working on yourself. You seem to have little self-respect and a fear of moving on. There is nothing in this relationship.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

waytooforgiving said:


> i know all of you are right... but here is what i struggle with.
> 
> what if i had given her more love and affection? more attention? what if i were doing it now? would all be different???
> 
> ...


You've answered your own question there mate. *Whatever you do it'll never be enough - she is a serial cheater*, fundamentally flawed. You can't fix her. She has do it with years of counselling and hard work on her part. Don't waste your young life trying to find out if she's willing or even capable.

The world is full of wonderful women; loyal, honest and who can conduct themselves with integrity. Your job is to find one and marry her and give yourselves the best chance of a future full of love & mutual respect. And it'll take work from you both even when you find yourself a keeper.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

"is there any logic to thinking if i try really hard to give her what she wants/needs that all will be ok?"

*YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS !!!*


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You can give her all the love you have until your blue in the face and you'll still get the same thing. NOTHING. She cheated on her first husband now she's getting laid by the paper hanger or whatever this guy is that worked on your house. So the question is why would you want to spend the rest of your life with a woman with no moral character? Is this the best you could do or do you feel you deserve better?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Run don't walk!!! Unless you like the thought of having a DNA test after every child is born. She is a game player - don't be her security blanket. *You need to respect yourself frst and foremost and tolerate NO disrespect from anyone. Remember noone likes or respects a pushover - even themselves. *

Please put n your running shoes - NOW! :nono:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Dump her and upgrade to a much better woman , and she's set the bar as low as it can go, so anything with a pulse would be an upgrade.

Oh, and btw, get in yelp and on the Internet and post about the painter and his hooking up with clients gfs.

Trash this guy.

And dump her worthless cheating you-know what.

And get yourself an std test.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

waytooforgiving said:


> i know all of you are right... but here is what i struggle with.
> 
> what if i had given her more love and affection? more attention? what if i were doing it now? would all be different???
> 
> ...


No logic to it at all. Insatiable means that she can't be sated (satisfied). So, NO, no matter how much attention you give her, she will need more. And not from just you. She thrives on having multiple men interested in her at the same time. Makes her feel good about herself.

So unless you can be multiple men at the same time, there is no way you could satisfy her.

She sounds like the type that never says "NO" to a man who is interested. She ALWAYS will flirt and lead him along.

She's broken, man. You can't fix her.

All that stuff she's doing, therapy, exercises - she's just going through the motions to keep you on the hook.

Just tell her you gave it some thought, that it's been eating away at you, and it's not her, it's you, you just can't do this anymore. Don't mention the friend or the cheating, just end it as friendly as possible and then avoid her like the plague for the rest of your life.


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## Hartbrok (Jul 16, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> No logic to it at all. Insatiable means that she can't be sated (satisfied). So, NO, no matter how much attention you give her, she will need more. And not from just you. She thrives on having multiple men interested in her at the same time. Makes her feel good about herself.
> 
> So unless you can be multiple men at the same time, there is no way you could satisfy her.
> 
> ...


Until I ended up in the situation I'm in now, I would have thought you were just being negative. 

Now I realize you're probably dead on.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You support her financially, don't you ?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

waytooforgiving said:


> what if i had given her more love and affection? more attention? what if i were doing it now? would all be different???


 No it would not be any different because she likes the excitement of strange, meaning no single man can ever meet her needs. Not her first husband. Not you. Not the next guy. No matter what you do for her it will never be enough. You said this yourself when you said " its almost as though she is insaciable, meaning there is never enough."

It has nothing to do with you. It is her. She is just not marraige material.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

If you stay with her. You will regret it. 
Please. Make the right decision for yourself.


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## waytooforgiving (Jul 16, 2013)

all of you are so damn right.

i sit here astonished at the doormat i've allowed myself to be.

i sit here depressed at the fact that i've pissed away all of my self respect.

i sit here crying at my office knowing that i need to end this and am so scared to do so.

i think of the "what ifs". i begin to believe her when she says "you abused me emotionally, both sides of the street are dirty". and worst of all, i feel sorry for her when she cries and says "i know i am a lier and cheater, stop rubbing my nose in it" (truth is i don't rub her nose in it, i only try to talk about my feelings).

funny thing is, i don't allow this type of behavior in all other parts of my life. i am a successful business man, put up with no BS, negotiate deals all day long. but her. HER. she has this power over me. WTF.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

You are not the first person in love with someone who finds themselves in this position nor will you be the last. What has happened has happened and cannot be undone. Dwelling on it will keep you immobile and miserable. You must right now pick yourself up and act forward. Accept the fact she is no good for you. You are not even married brother. If you had kids and a life together I could understand thinking about a reconciliation. But she is not your wife, she is a cheating fiance. Forget about her. Free yourself from her and meet someone honest.


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## waytooforgiving (Jul 16, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> You support her financially, don't you ?


No, I do not support her. 

However, I am about to cash out on a business and I've heard from her friend that I am the stable option, while AP is the fun, "make her laugh" partner. Hearing this tore me apart. What is not fun about me? Am I a dud?

Again, really questioning my self worth...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

waytooforgiving said:


> No, I do not support her.
> 
> However, I am about to cash out on a business and I've heard from her friend that I am the stable option, while AP is the fun, "make her laugh" partner. Hearing this tore me apart. What is not fun about me? Am I a dud?
> 
> Again, really questioning my self worth...


Repeat this to yourself - it's not me it's her. You might want to use this experience to asses how you can improve yourself for YOU - not her. Whoever you thought she was - she's not.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

waytooforgiving said:


> No, I do not support her.
> 
> However, I am about to cash out on a business and I've heard from her friend that I am the stable option, while AP is the fun, "make her laugh" partner. Hearing this tore me apart. What is not fun about me? Am I a dud?
> 
> Again, really questioning my self worth...


You seriously can't get away from her fast enough. This is code for "You pay the bills and provide and she'll some other guy F her on the side"

She's using you in the most literal way.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Run...run some more...then run a little more...


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

waytooforgiving said:


> No, I do not support her.
> 
> However, I am about to cash out on a business and I've heard from her friend that I am the stable option, while AP is the fun, "make her laugh" partner. Hearing this tore me apart. What is not fun about me? Am I a dud?
> 
> Again, really questioning my self worth...


The reason you aren't 'fun' is because you aren't the affair partner. The affair partner is always more fun. Nothing to do with you.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

waytooforgiving said:


> No, I do not support her.
> 
> What is not fun about me? Am I a dud?
> 
> Again, really questioning my self worth...


I'm with FlyGirl. You haven't dated much, have you? When a chick wants variety, it has nothing to do with whether your "fun" or not. Johnny Depp couldn't make this gal stay in the corral. My advice would be to get rid of her, or if you can handle it right and not get some STD you could keep her around until you find a replacement. In any case, the wedding is off, unless you're nuts.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

waytooforgiving said:


> all of you are so damn right.
> Its because many here have learned all this stuff the hard way.
> i sit here astonished at the doormat i've allowed myself to be.
> We have all allowed that to happen from time to time. Don't beat yourself up over it.
> ...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

waytooforgiving said:


> No, I do not support her.
> 
> However, I am about to cash out on a business and I've heard from her friend that I am the stable option, while AP is the fun, "make her laugh" partner. Hearing this tore me apart. What is not fun about me? Am I a dud?
> 
> Again, really questioning my self worth...


No you are not a dud. You are the victim a selfish, narcissistic, cruel pig. Wait, that is an insult to swine.: we can at least eat them. 

No, your fiance is worse. She is a parasite....devouring and feeding off all around her and giving absolutely nothing back. 

Kick her off the pedestal you put her up on, dump her cold, and then go get yourself into some intense individual counseling for your lack of self esteem.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

waytooforgiving said:


> all of you are so damn right.
> 
> i sit here astonished at the doormat i've allowed myself to be.
> 
> ...


I've been you.

You're not scared of losing the wonderful fiance she is.

You're scared of being alone. This is a big issue.

But the wonderful thing is there's a REAL solution AND a VERY bright future.

1. Dump her. She's toxic and bad for you.
2. Go seek out individual counseling on how to love yourself, value yourself and be okay with being alone. You need to learn that the most wonderful person in the world is YOURSELF. 

Once you have a handle on both of those things. You'll be amazed at the wonderful women you'll meet and the depth of a relationship you can have because no longer are you loving the other person more than yourself. You're now sharing the great person YOU are with someone else and in turn you get the best from them because they don't want to LOSE YOU!!


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

waytooforgiving said:


> all of you are so damn right.
> 
> i sit here astonished at the doormat i've allowed myself to be.
> 
> ...


Bandit beat me to this one! Well said Bandit.

You are LUCKY. You found this out prior to making your wedding vows.

Don't kick yourself!!! Your job is to immediately cut her loose, and start dating again. Get your ego back! Start looking at it from the perspective of "what is best for YOU."

Too many wonderful women to worry about keeping this one.

Chalk it up to experience. You will be telling your friends about this loser in a few months when her name is mentioned. They will all smile, and tell you how glad you are that you cut her loose. 

They also will tell you how much better your new GF is compared to this one. When that happens, just smile and give your new GF a big kiss. She will be worth it.


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## waytooforgiving (Jul 16, 2013)

well....

i have come to find out that she is not only still talking to the OM, but she had sex with him twice over July 4th weekend. Now I know why she didn't want me to come over. And when I questioned why, the answer I got was plain and simple gas lighting. I've also found out that she had a sexting affair with a married man she met on a plane. All of this while trying to get back together with me.

She claims she finds the OM fun, passionate and exciting. I know someone posted earlier that it is only because it is an affair... But I cannot help but to think if I were more passionate, more fun, etc that she wouldn't be running to the OM still. THAT SAID, how does one be totally fun and passionate after an affair? Should I have just acted like nothing happened and jumped right in? Be sweet, be kind, be loving???

Yes, I blame myself partially for this.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

waytooforgiving said:


> well....
> 
> i have come to find out that she is not only still talking to the OM, but she had sex with him twice over July 4th weekend. Now I know why she didn't want me to come over. And when I questioned why, the answer I got was plain and simple gas lighting. I've also found out that she had a sexting affair with a married man she met on a plane. All of this while trying to get back together with me.
> 
> ...


You have no blame in this. She is a woman who wants to have multiple sexual partners throughout her life. This is how she enjoys herself. She will do anything, say anything, and manipulate any man she is with, be it her exH or you, to get what she wants and maintain this lifestyle.

Or to put is simply : You are being played by a player.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's threads like yours, waytooforgiving, that make me wish that we could have a TAM commando team that would swoop in and spirit the betrayed spouse away from a toxic situation. Some people really need to be taken in hand; their feelings are so counterproductive that they can't bring themselves to do what they need to do.

You're young and unmarried and way too good to be used by a woman like your gf. You're lucky here. You can just move on, no strings. Strike out for a better life! You've nothing to fear but fear itself. 

You have nothing to reproach yourself for now, but if you marry her, you will have no one to kick but yourself when she breaks your heart over and over again.

Please listen. Do the smart and right thing.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

waytooforgiving said:


> well....
> 
> i have come to find out that she is not only still talking to the OM, but she had sex with him twice over July 4th weekend. Now I know why she didn't want me to come over. And when I questioned why, the answer I got was plain and simple gas lighting. I've also found out that she had a sexting affair with a married man she met on a plane. All of this while trying to get back together with me.
> 
> ...


It is not your fault. She is a serial cheater. She will cheat on the person she is cheating with. Her moral compass is completely skewed. Trust your gut on this one.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Just say this 20 times out loud.

"My fiance cheats on me constantly , I found out about two guys more today!". 

Do you want to substitute wife for the word fiance and repeat that sentence the rest of your life? In between having DNA tests on your kids? She is venom. Every utterance from her mouth is poison. 

Honestly , I hope you quickly as in a matter of hours not give one f**k what she says.


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## waytooforgiving (Jul 16, 2013)

Why the eff did I get myself back into this mess? After D-Day, but before R started, I was doing so good (relatively speaking). Now I am back to square on, if not further back.

I feel so broken. I just went and read all of our text messages from the last few weeks. She seemed so remorseful and so happy I was giving her another change.

God this sucks.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

waytooforgiving said:


> Why the eff did I get myself back into this mess? After D-Day, but before R started, I was doing so good (relatively speaking). Now I am back to square on, if not further back.
> 
> I feel so broken. I just went and read all of our text messages from the last few weeks. She seemed so remorseful and so happy I was giving her another change.
> 
> God this sucks.


It might suck more if you get married and she divorces you and then you have to pay some sort of support:0 

It is hard but just let it go! Awesome straight advice from everyone here!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

What someone told me long ago:

Ditch the sick b!tch.


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## waytooforgiving (Jul 16, 2013)

tell me something...

WHY do I feel that if I would've given more to the R, as in jumped right back in and been lovey dovey on her like she always asked me to be (prior to the A), that things would've turned out different?

IS THERE ANY LOGIC TO THIS?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

waytooforgiving said:


> Why the eff did I get myself back into this mess?
> 
> God this sucks.


Have you stopped for a second to rejoice in how lucky you are by finding out now, rather than after you married this ally cat. Youre in the same position, my man, of someone finding out the expensive dream home they were ready to close is built over a sink hole. Somebody up there is looking out for you. Now you can look for one with a more solid foundation. And think about the thousands you've saved. (and the train wreck of a marriage you'll never have to suffer through.)


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

waytooforgiving said:


> tell me something...
> 
> WHY do I feel that if I would've given more to the R, as in jumped right back in and been lovey dovey on her like she always asked me to be (prior to the A), that things would've turned out different?
> 
> IS THERE ANY LOGIC TO THIS?


 Listen up! There is no logic in that at all. You have been given a gift. You have learned about your girl friend before you married her. ACCEPT IT!

Stop acting like you had anything to do with this and dump this woman out of your life as fast as you can. Develop a sense of self-worth and self-respect. I think I already told you to go to Walmart and buy two red rubber balls to use until you can find yours. Every time you think even fleetingly about getting back with her, pull them out of your pocket and ask yourself what a man that had self-respect would do in these circumstance (think of Clint Eastwood).

You also need to get with some guy friends. Stop wallowing in your fantasy loss and revel in the wonderful reality of having dodged a major bullet.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

waytooforgiving said:


> tell me something...
> 
> WHY do I feel that if I would've given more to the R, as in jumped right back in and been lovey dovey on her like she always asked me to be (prior to the A), that things would've turned out different?
> 
> IS THERE ANY LOGIC TO THIS?


It makes no difference. Your behaviour was nothing to do with it.

She is beyond damaged. You cannot fix her, no matter what you do, because enough will never be enough. She is poison to you. She is a siren luring you to destruction on the rocks of her own pain. Look away from her. In fact I would suggest that, because you think so little of yourself, you never be in her physical prescence again. Go completely cold and dark on her. For your own protection. 

Find a really good analyst. Sort yourself out.

If you cannot do all this for yourself, then do it for that wonderful woman you are going to meet day and the beautiful children you are going to have with her. They are waiting for you in your future. Don't let them down!

Be strong. You can do it.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

waytooforgiving said:


> tell me something...
> 
> WHY do I feel that if I would've given more to the R, as in jumped right back in and been lovey dovey on her like she always asked me to be (prior to the A), that things would've turned out different?
> 
> *IS THERE ANY LOGIC TO THIS?*


There is as much logic to that as the old saying
Couldwouldashoulda International translation
it mean´s BLA BLABLA YADA YADA YADA...
nNothing

It´s completly normal to fell the way you do.We all have at least
at some point in our life´s.. But same thing i wrote above
It never make´s sense, in the past or the present not even in the future...You´re brain is playing mind games with you.
While at the same time processing he whole ordeal..

Sorry for how thing´s turned out


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

waytooforgiving said:


> well....
> 
> i have come to find out that she is not only still talking to the OM, but she had sex with him twice over July 4th weekend. Now I know why she didn't want me to come over. And when I questioned why, the answer I got was plain and simple gas lighting. I've also found out that she had a sexting affair with a married man she met on a plane. All of this while trying to get back together with me.
> 
> ...


You need to stop blaming yourself. Look, what a person gets in a marriage or engagement is ALL of a person. They get the exciting date night as well as the bad breath in the morning. They get the cuddling on the couch, and the annoying habit you only learn about after living with someone for 6 months. Frankly it's one of the amazing things about marriage. Acceptance is love. 

When you're dating, you only see the best of a person. It's not really the "real uncensored" version of them. An affair is EVEN MORE SO. That's why LTR between affair partners almost NEVER last. They both get these super butterflies and then those butterflies disappear when it gets "real". 

It's NOT YOU!!

It's like sex. I've been with 4 women my entire life. If you took a poll about me as a lover. 1 would say I was a HORRIBLE joke of a lover and 3 would put me at or near the top of their list. The funny thing is those "rankings" also reflect the quality of relationship I had with each of those women. 

You could be the WORST partner/lover etc. your fiance ever had, then you go into your next relationship and be the BEST your next parner/lover ever had. And be the same person.

STOP beating yourself up. Your fiance is a serial cheater. You could've been MR. PERFECT and she STILL would cheat on you. It's not about you. Her behavior is a personality defect within her.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> *When you're dating, you only see the best of a person. It's not really the "real uncensored" version of them.*


OP, please consider that what you have seen is the BEST of your fiancé. This is as good as she gets! Do you really want to live the rest of your life with a woman who was doing this during the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship? 

Dating/engagement is an interview for the position of spouse. She's not only failed the interview, she's gotten caught stealing from you before she was even hired.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Agree with the previous posters. 

Your reactions to your ex fiancé's cheating is common and your ex fiancé's behavior's follows the cheaters script. If you read posts from BS's on this forum, you will recognize your actions. You can't turn off love and hope like a switch. You are grieving the death of the person you fell in love with. That person is suddenly gone. Maintaining hope that they will return is normal and common. 

You will get your equilibrium back. When you meet the woman you want to marry, you will be glad it is not your Ex. Take your time and select carefully.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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