# Pregnant and Considering Seperation (long post)



## Laura23 (Dec 19, 2011)

My Husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have a 2 year old son and I'm 34 weeks pregnant with our second (a girl). When we started dating we had a very strong connection and got along so well. We moved in together after only 6 months of dating and married after 1 year. I think a lot of things changed after I got pregnant with our son. For one, my sex drive went down through the basement. It was almost nonexsistant. And I was very emotional. We had an arguement around this time. It was about laundry, of all things!! He ended up getting drunk while I was at work. When I got home from work, we had a huge fight and I started yelling. He came over to me and told me that if I didn't shut up he was going to punch me. This is when I was very pregnant with our first child. I was so upset that I spent the night in a hotel. Now I don't believe he ever really would hit me, but just the fact that he said it upset me so much. But I hate being in a fight, so I just let it go. He has never apologized for it. Anyway, after our son was born, it took me forever to get my mojo back (like a year and a half). But I was finally starting to get my sex drive back. Around that time, we went to the store and I had to pick up my birth-control. I made a stupid joke without even thinking about it. I said 'It would be cheaper to not have sex then to buy birth-control'. And without skipping a beat he replied, 'Well, then I'll go get it somewhere else.' He doesn't say stuff like that a lot, but when he does he NEVER says he's sorry. In fact, I don't think he's apologized for anything in our marriage. He just gives me the silent treatment for a while, then I either have to apologize or just act like nothing happed. Now since I got pregnant this time around, we have had a serious talk about our marriage (about 3 months ago). On advice from my pastor's wife, I was very careful not to accuse him of anything. I tried to look at our marriage from his point to view and to find the faults in myself and figure out how to make those things better. And to not say 'never' or 'always'. So we had our talk and I confussed all the things that I thought I was having problems with. And I ended up just making myself look like an idiot. All he did was agree with everything I said and never took any resposibility himself. But we both agreed to try and make things better. But my sex drive is still so low. I started thinking to myself why this could be (besides the fact that I'm pregnant and find myself unattrative at the moment). I thought maybe it's because we're too comfortable around each other. Because he does things like stinks up the bathroom, doesn't flush the toliet, passes gas in front of me, walks around in his tightie whities, etc. I know that sounds so stupid, but I think that may be why I'm not that attracted to him anymore. Anyway, the final straw happened two days ago. We went downtown for an afternoon. The three of us went for a walk, and then to the park. It was a really nice day. But when we got to the car, we realized we went over our meter time and got a parking ticket. My husband was so upset. It was just three dollars! I tried to make him feel better by saying 'Don't worry about it. It's not a big deal. I probably have three dollars in change in my purse.' Then he turned to me and said 'I'm the one making all the money. I'm the one that has to worry about it. You don't do anything!' Well, my tactless response to that was 'F*** you!' Then he told me that if I ever said that to him agian, he would punch me in the face! I couldn't believe he actually said that to me agian! and when I was pregnant, too!! That was it for me. I pretty much threw out all the fighting rules after that. I told him that if he ever threatened me agian I would get a divorce. I pointed out that he has threatened me once before just like that when I was pregnant the first time and that he never apologized for it. i asked him what kind of man threatens to hit his pregnant wife. I told him I've never heard him apologize for anything, I'm always the one that has to nuetralize the situation, money rules his life, he blames everyone for his problems, he complains to much, he never takes responsibility for his actions, and many more harsh truths about him and our relationship. Needless to say, we haven't spoken for two days and the last two nights I've slept on the couch. I'm so frustrated. Why can't he say he's sorry? I'm tempted to, again, just let it go. That way we'll have a decent Christmas for our son. But why do I always have to be the bigger person. He needs to take resposibility for his actions. I don't want my son to grow up thinking that is the way you treat women! I'm almost to that point of giving up. I'm worried though, that if we get a divorce, he'll move back to Mexico and our kids will never see him agian. He said this on Friday. He said that if I got a divorce he'd be forced to move back to Mexico and he'd never get to see his children. I don't want that. But I want to be happy. I want him to stop being so moody, so focused on money, so disrespectful. I want him to actually plan a date for us. I can't even remember the last date we had where I didn't ask him on the date, find a babysitter, set up a time, find a place to eat, etc.! Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I out of line? How long do you try before you give up? Should I wait for him to apologize? I can't force him to say he's sorry. I've already told him how I feel about him never apologizing. Is there any need to bring it up agian? We can't afford MC. And I can't get him to talk to the pastor and his wife (I think it might be because we know them). I am so drained. Physically and emotionally. I need advice. I don't talk to family members because my family loves him and I don't want to jade their view of him. If I wasn't so far along in my pregnancy, my son and I would go visit my dad. I'm sorry this post has been so long. I hope some of you have made it to the end. I really need your advice. I'm sorry for all my spelling and grammar errors.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You can't make him change. He has shown you from the get-go the type of man he is. He doesn't apologize and he doesn't hold himself accountable for any problems he may be causing.

If a man threatened to punch me, it would be the last time we ever occupied the same breathing space.

There is nothing you can do to change him. He doesn't want to change. You can suck it up again, he'll get his way, and Christmas will be hunky-dory. Until the next time he decides to get p.o.'d.

Frankly, I'd rather have a man like that go back to Mexico and not see his kids. What sort of role model is he for a father? 

You have told him how you feel, in a nice manner and in an angry manner, and he hasn't budged. There are people in this world who think they are the only person who is right, and the rest of us are nothing more than a$$holes.


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## Kit (Sep 27, 2011)

I would suggest that you separate first and then consider divorce.

When you separate be very clear that you tried to make things work and that if he wants to reconcile he needs to make an effort too or you'll divorce him. Perhaps by going to counseling together? Actions speak louder than words. If he wants to be with you and the kids then he would have to go to counseling to work things out. If he doesn't make an effort then his priorities are clear.


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## blondi11 (Dec 22, 2011)

reading your story- it seems that you are in a very vulnerable position as you are pregnant. you need to decide what's right for you and your children. you need to put your self and your kids first. men (no matter if he is your husband or not) come in and out of our lives, children are our own blood, you need to reassess your situation and decide whats best for the three of you (you and your babies). 
also him saying that he will move back to mexico and will never see his kids again is a control and guilt trip tactic. basically saying that if you go through with it (divorce/separation) it will be your fault that your kids will not have a father- which is ABSOLUTELY not your fault at all. from what i am hearing this is an emotionally abusive situation, and are red flags.

listen to your intuition.


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