# Advice needed. Divorce or wait?



## blahblahblah (Mar 2, 2010)

So My wife and I have been separated for a little over 2 months. I let her be at first

Few weeks ago we decided to meet up for a few beers, and we had a great time. Then we had a date, and had another great time. There was much smooching and smiling. We decided to "date" and take things slow. I was fine with that. Totally fine.

I did have an issue with one thing, though. I felt that while we were seeing each other, we should not be seeing other people. I had been on a few dates, and she knew it, she had been on a few dates, and I knew it, but I felt like if we were both going to try to reconcile, we should stop dating until we see what happens between us. I have absolutely no problem with giving her as much time as she needs... I am willing to go as slow as it takes for us to work this out, and I made it very clear to her that I am in no rush here with her, but I just feel really strongly that seeing other people will just complicate the matter.

I have made a lot of positive changes in myself, and I knew she saw them, and I knew she liked them, and today I had enough courage...

I spoke to her about it today, and it did not go well at all.

She told me all of these things...

She thinks the changes I've made are a lie, and that I am crazy.

She still wants a divorce, but she wants the divorce so that we can "really start over"

She loves me but is not in love with me, and I will not give her the time she needs to be in love with me again.

She never wanted to get back together with me in the first place, and the only reason she wanted to see me again was to "just see you again"

She will not be exclusive to me, and stop seeing other men. However, upon me telling her I will not compete with other men for her, she claimed I am not competing, because non of the other men are "serious".

She told me about 10 more times how "crazy" I am.

She told me that while all the changes I've made are changes she wanted, I "should have made them long ago"

She is very angry at me because of the changes I've made. (this one confused me)

I asked her flat out... Do you want to try to reconcile with me, or should we divorce.

Her reply was "I'm not ready, so I guess we should go our own ways"


So here I am. I am basically done with this.

The overall insanity of our conversation, and her talking out of both sides of her mouth tell me that she is really not in a good place right now, and I need to back off... Which I am.

My question is, do you all think I should just file for the divorce now to get it over with? This whole time I have left the divorce up to her, but I really have no idea if or when she will do it. She says "ASAP" but I know she doesn't have the money.

What do you think I should do? Wait? Give her some time to calm down, or end this now before I go too crazy?


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## blahblahblah (Mar 2, 2010)

Keep in mind, this all came out after I told her that while we were dating, and taking things slow and seeing what happened, we shouldnt be seeing other people.

Thats all I wanted.

And thats all I asked for.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Message is clear. I though she was giving you chance.
Its time she decides.
I say file.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Honestly I think your very level headed on your request. When my wife and I split up it was under very unusual circumstances and I went and had a STD test done ( you know for that stuff AJAX wont take off). 

It seems to me your handling this "dating" thing like a grown up and she can't respect your simple wishes ; which to me is a big slap in the face. 

I dunno bud ; I find that nowadays you have two kinds of people. Those with respect and those who are selfish and self-centered. As far as I am concerned piss on em.


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## sicksicksick (Mar 7, 2010)

blahblahblah said:


> So My wife and I have been separated for a little over 2 months. I let her be at first
> 
> Few weeks ago we decided to meet up for a few beers, and we had a great time. Then we had a date, and had another great time. There was much smooching and smiling. We decided to "date" and take things slow. I was fine with that. Totally fine.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry to hear that bro. I was following your story as I was feeling the exact same way as you did, as you know. My heart sank when I read your letter. I to am forcing the issue this Sunday. My stomach is in a knot right now. I just told her today that I wanted to speak to her about our future. Funny, over the phone she had the same fears that I had concerning our son (that I would take him), so that was a relief, somewhat. I can see it in her eyes when I see her that she's given up but my situation here is forcing the issue faster than I know how to stop. Maybe its a good thing. But looking into those eyes are ripping my stomach apart.

I really don't know what to say to you right now. I'm so sorry.


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## blahblahblah (Mar 2, 2010)

It's weird, because I am way more calm than I thought I would be about this now.

I had been an emotional wreck for the past few days about her, and this conversation, and how crazy she acted, really just calmed me down.

I left out a lot of stuff, too, just cause I was typing fast and wanted to go have a smoke.

I didnt mention her telling me how much she hates her life now, and how apparently, this whole thing should be easier for me because I make more money than her.


?????


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Well least your's sees how ****ty her life is mine hasn't realized what her's will be. Like her pos car or when her job ends in a year or two. But hey I tried and now I am done.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Blah: you may want to read the depressionfallout web site. My dw has said all the same to me and that is her problem and she will not make a decision either way. They want you to make the move so they can blame you later
Good Luck


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## blahblahblah (Mar 2, 2010)

tryingtocope24 said:


> They want you to make the move so they can blame you later



This is something I have been hearing a lot.


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## sicksicksick (Mar 7, 2010)

blahblahblah said:


> This is something I have been hearing a lot.


Yes, I have to keep that in mind.


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## blahblahblah (Mar 2, 2010)

So I'm conflicted today.

I want this to be over. I really do. If we are going to divorce I just want to get it over with.

On one hand, I don't want to deal with it, and just let her handle it. She's the one who wants this, not me. Problem is I don't know how long I'll be waiting for that. I said before she is saying that she will do it as soon as she gets some money, but seriously, she has no money.

On the other hand I just want to get it over with. I really don't see a point in being married to her anymore.

Ugh.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Well I also didn't want a divorce but the woman who left this house left so many things unexplained that when she said if I didn't do it she would. I am not going to let her screw me over or take anything else from me. I don't want to have to deal with this but it is what I have to do for my own protection.


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## blahblahblah (Mar 2, 2010)

Totally fighting with my brain today...

It's like now im trying to think of way I can "make this better" and just get her to want to see me again, and I know thats stupid.

Like, she was gonna come over for dinner on my birthday next week, and I was really looking forward to that, but I know now that as much as I want that, it just can't happen.

I set a boundary, she basically told me to go to hell with it, and I can't just say "oh, ok, I didnt mean it"

So tough to not just back down and do whatever she wants right now... But I just can't.


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## sicksicksick (Mar 7, 2010)

Its a pity we live on different continents. We could go out for a beer or two & devise ways to get our spouse back! I'm feeling your pain my friend.


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## blahblahblah (Mar 2, 2010)

Stay strong, dude!


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