# My story - Newbie



## Nomad (Dec 1, 2011)

This will read like most of the others I've see in this forum.

This was one year ago this month.

I won't blame technology for my affair and ruining my marriage. I did that on my own. I had an affair with someone from my past. I met her again on FB. You know where it goes from here.

We talked, and met in different cities during business and personal trips (hers and mine) to be with one another. Yes, there was sex. She is divorced. I told all of the usual lies about not being happy in my marriage. Maybe I was, but I never knew I could use it as a lame excuse until I had the affair.

When we were together, we did everything like a normal marriage couple would, but we were cheating too. I was actually planning to ask her to marry me after I surprised my wife with the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line. I say surprise because she didn't know that our marriage was in trouble. Neither did I until I started the affair.

But, she caught me before I could prolong my fantasy life into the next phase. Faced with the evidence, I confessed all. She knew nothing was wrong until she found out this way. 

I moved out that night to a cheap hotel in town. She changed the locks the next morning. I had very little of my stuff. So when I tried to get some more clothes and personal items, I couldn't. She left for a week. I also had very little cash, and one credit card in my name. Everything else was closed.

The next thing I know, I'm being called to the house to be served divorce papers. It was complete with all of the work done, and all I had to do was sign. So I got my old car, some clothes that  left with, and that's about it. 

I didn't fight it. I did this. She didn't deserve what I did to her. Now I rent a room in the back of a friends business. I have to be out of there in the early morning, and can't return until late evening. I'm the alleged on-site security for his business. 

Our kids are adults, and I've lost all contact with them. The told me off, and said they are done with me after hurting their mother. Friends? One, the guy who rents to me. But I only pay him, and practically never see him since I have to leave before he shows up, and is gone when I come back.

So I just work now, have my paycheck drained of funds before I receive it, and live check to check. I lost all rights to my retirement fund in the agreement. And given the length of our marriage, I have to pay until I'm dead by law while I am able to work. And I will do just that. She didn't deserve what I did to her.

Like I have read here so many times, karma. Now I'm alone, poor, and damn near homeless. My return on investment for having an affair. What an idiot.


----------



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Man, that's rough. She didn't deserve what you did but i'm not sure you deserve how you ended up after this mistake/weakness. I hope that you can move on, make peace with your children and rebuild your life.


----------



## Nomad (Dec 1, 2011)

I have moved on. My life is the way it is. I'm content to just be able to be alive and help my ex-wife financially, and pay my dues. I force myself to forget all of my past in order to survive mentally. All except why I am where I am now. I try to help others with anything they need help with. Even stray animals too. I do this to help feel some self worth by contributing in a positive way. It helps me sleep at night.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

That is really hard to read. I feel for you and others will hopefully benefit from your tragic story.
When I was in the depths of an affair and was wondering which way to go, divorce or reconciliation, my sister told me something that I will never forget.
She said, "If you don't fix this, you are going to die drunk, cold, and alone."
I believe that she would have been right and unfortunately, your situation could have been mine if I hadn't wised up.
Good luck


----------



## Nomad (Dec 1, 2011)

I don't drink, and so far I'm not cold. Alone, yes. But it's okay. I have to be thankful for the many good years I had. The blessings that I enjoyed and experienced. 

I used to look down on cheaters and poor people by thinking that they made really stupid decisions in life and ended up they way they are as a result. Now I get to see their perspective every day through my eyes. 

Glad you wised up in time. Well done! 

Gotta go


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What about the other woman?


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

This is a lesson for all men. We men are more inclined to cheat than women by our nature. In the old days, women had to rely on men for financial support as the law did not provide CS or alimony back then. But, now the situation is very different. Women are not as tolerant as they once were.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So it is not a lesson to women? Don't make it a gender issue. Haven't you seen honest men burnt by their cheating wives?


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Yes, I did bring up a gender element here, didn't I? But, it is what it is. It's always dangerous to generalize things, but I am willing to hold my ground with my statement. 

And, I never said women do not cheat. I never said men do not get burnt by the cheating wives. My XWW cheated on me. Cool down a little here.


----------



## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

Yes, you shouldn't have cheated on her.

But every body make mistakes.

Have you tried getting back with her.


----------



## Nomad (Dec 1, 2011)

Good day to be at the library. Free internet access.

As far as the OW, she left the affair same day. She did not want to be labeled as the one who broke up the marriage. It was my decision after all. I started it. Not her. I'm not going to blame someone else when I have enough blame on myself. There's no value in going there.

I have not tried getting back with her. I am respecting her demand to stay away from her, and to not communicate with her. She knows where I work still. As far as I know, she is still in the house. I know nothing else about her anymore.

I hope she is doing well. She deserves it.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I don't know if you are ready to move on, but one way or the other, I hope you find your happiness back someday.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you hope to reconcile? Was it a bitter divorce?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Nomad said:


> Good day to be at the library. Free internet access.
> 
> As far as the OW, she left the affair same day. She did not want to be labeled as the one who broke up the marriage. It was my decision after all. I started it. Not her. I'm not going to blame someone else when I have enough blame on myself. There's no value in going there.
> 
> I have not tried getting back with her. I am respecting her demand to stay away from her, and to not communicate with her. She knows where I work still. As far as I know, she is still in the house. I know nothing else about her anymore.


Ah, she threw you under the bus.


----------



## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

Nomad said:


> I didn't fight it. I did this. She didn't deserve what I did to her. Now I rent a room in the back of a friends business. I have to be out of there in the early morning, and can't return until late evening. I'm the alleged on-site security for his business.
> 
> ...
> 
> So I just work now, have my paycheck drained of funds before I receive it, and live check to check. I lost all rights to my retirement fund in the agreement. And given the length of our marriage, I have to pay until I'm dead by law while I am able to work. And I will do just that. She didn't deserve what I did to her.


If all of the above is true (I only have your story to go on) then you got screwed by your own guilt.

I understand that you felt guilty but that guilt has prompted you to sign away everything that you have, including your future. I honestly can't understand how the courts can continue to allow this kind of practice. I've known a few people who've had to pay 80% of their paycheque (and they were good earners) as part of a divorce. It's ridiculous.

For your retirement fund, was she the sole contributor to it or was it your wage that put the money in there too? As a partnership, it follows that you would split the retirement fund, but to lose it entirely? Really?

Again, I only have your side of the story here, but if it's accurate then your wife is a juvenile, spiteful cow. She let her hurt get the better of her and she used all of it to hurt you as much as she possibly could.

Does she accept any responsibility for her own future? I understand that you feel guilty, but I think that this should be a lesson to other guys out there getting a divorce...

Feel guilty, but try to be mature about it. She is not entitled to your everything... even if you cheat.

As for the kids telling you off, I can't see an an affair being something that could prevent reconciliation with them. Keep at it, they'll come around in time.


----------



## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

Good of you to share your story. You paid a big price for cheating but you have owned up and taken responsability. You can 
be helpfull to others by sharing the valuable lessons learned. Give your kids time. while I am mad as hell
at my W for cheating I know my daughter needs her Mom. Your story should be a psa on tv. If we were a moral society Ha! there would be just
as many ads on against cheating as drunk driving both are so destructive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jenis (Feb 9, 2011)

Wow Nomad. I admire your sense of responsibility and remorse for the affair, just don't forget that you too are deserving of happiness.

That must seem very far away given how things unravelled, but start by realizing what you can change and begin to let go of what you can't. Take some time to admire the beauty in yourself and others, maybe starting with just a smile. It will be returned. Then think about where you want to go. I wish you well.


----------

