# Wife wants to take a new job in new town



## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

Looking for some advice here...

My wife has been offered a lucrative job in an entirely different town. We live in the city now, and this would be in the "middle of nowhere"--a definite change of life. She is seriously thinking about taking this job and really wants me to support this decision, but I'm really having a hard time doing so.

The job pays considerably more than what she is making now. It also requires about 10-15% less hours/week and traffic is minimal. Couple that with the fact that we could get a house about as nice or nicer than ours for 1/3 the cost, and the pay+COL differential is pretty substantial. I'm really having a hard time supporting this, though.

My concerns with this are:
*This really is in the middle of nowhere, about 120 miles south from where we are now. The town is about 50k people, so it's not a true "small town" but outside of that the next biggest city or metro-area is a good 70 miles away. We've lived in the city for several years now and have gotten accustomed to certain conveniences and lifestyles; this would be a complete 180-deg change.
*The good thing is that my job is mobile for now and I can work just about anywhere. The bad thing? There's a really good chance I'll be laid off next year, and simply put there is no industry or jobs for what I do in this town. The city we live in now is very lucrative in my career field (tech/IT), and a new job wouldn't be too hard to find where we live now. I'm not against being a SAHD, and I've thought about doing that, but that's something I want to choose, not be forced.
*We recently did some remodeling in our house and we were finally getting settled and I'm getting comfortable here. We have a solid social circle, good neighbors, family nearby, etc. It's hard to walk away from a comfortable lifestyle.
*Her new job would pay more, but the reality is that we live well below our means now and really don't have a financial need for the extra money. Her current job pays pretty well, but the hours are longer than they've ever been, and her pay/hour has gone down about 10-15% this year. In the new job, she'd be working less hours and would spend less time in the car, but I'm not sure if that offsets the change in quality of life.

On the other hand...:
*The wife is the breadwinner (by far) and she feels like she should have some say here. She works some god-awful hours now, and is not happy in her current situation. They haven't been treating her that great at work, esp. after our kiddo was born. That said, her job is stable and is in no foreseeable risk of going away.
*Her current job isn't far from our house by distance (4.5 mi), but traffic where we live is absolutely horrendous. Her trip home at night takes her 45-60 mins, and they are building like crazy in this city; it's only going to get worse. Traffic in the new town is virtually non-existent.
*Because of the economic boom in our area (albeit, most likely a bubble), we've amassed quite a bit of equity/profit in our house. We are starting to see signs of peaking here, and if we're going to sell for a sizable gain, we probably have about a 6-12 month window to do that.

I'm not necessarily against moving, but I'm not really excited about this either. I feel like I'm trapped right now. The wife says she'll respect my decision if we decide not to go, but I don't want that burden on me either. If we decide to go, she wants my full support, which I understand. I also understand her reasons for wanting to leave, but at my age I'm old enough to know that grass is rarely greener. Our lives are comfortable now, and it's hard to leave a place and time in your life when things are going well. If things were different--we needed the money, I didn't have a job, we didn't have a kid, family wasn't nearby, etc.--I'd say "go for it", but none of those things are true at the moment.

I wish I knew what to do. She's been very supportive of me throughout the years. Years ago, I briefly pursued a career path that would have been very demanding on her; she was very, very supportive then (ultimately due to health reasons and timing, I withdrew from the process). I wish there was something about this opportunity, other than the money, that had a silver lining. There isn't any. And that's why I'm really torn on this. We have about two months to finalize this decision, so I'm trying to keep an open mind, but...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

One thing that stands out for me is the fact that she is NOT happy with her current hours/time spent with you/marriage.

That is HUGE IMO and outweighs just about everything else in your post.

New job will give her more time with family, more income and you can live in an area that's 1/3rd the cost?

Sounds like an easy choice to me.

Lack of time investment and time together will kill ANY relationship. 

And your marriage IS your priority, isn't it? 

*I won't even get into the health effects on your wife from crazy hours right now. It WILL take it's toll on HER and your marriage/family >>>>Like it or not*

Then there is the personal opinion/preference.......and TO ME living in a city or raising family in a city is a no go....heck I don't even know how people do this.

I love outdoors/nature, I love being remote/far from people, I love fresh air, I love space. It's so peaceful and just more relaxed TO ME. 

I was born and raised in a city, I hate cities now. I can't even REMOTELY comprehend how families raise kids in the cities. Way too many people, the smell, schools suck (not all but most), it's expensive as hell......the lifestyle itself is just "hurried" not very "relaxing". 

But that's just me. Sounds like a no brainier. If my wife came to me with such proposal I would be delighted and agree in under 1 second.

I think you should focus on what's best for your marriage and family.

Friends come and go, family is forever!


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

It is really a choice of city life or small town life.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

If given the choice you mention, I'd take it in a heart beat.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Whatever you get out of a city, it's hard to imagine that is better than improving the quality of life within your immediate family.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

MicroStorm said:


> My concerns with this are:
> *This really is in the middle of nowhere, about 120 miles south from where we are now. The town is about 50k people, so it's not a true "small town" but outside of that the next biggest city or metro-area is a good 70 miles away. We've lived in the city for several years now and have gotten accustomed to certain conveniences and lifestyles; this would be a complete 180-deg change.


This is a non-issue. I live in a major city and used to have a 90 minute commute 14 miles to the CBD. 120 miles is nothing @ 75 mph.



MicroStorm said:


> *The good thing is that my job is mobile for now and I can work just about anywhere. The bad thing? There's a really good chance I'll be laid off next year, and simply put there is no industry or jobs for what I do in this town. The city we live in now is very lucrative in my career field (tech/IT), and a new job wouldn't be too hard to find where we live now. I'm not against being a SAHD, and I've thought about doing that, but that's something I want to choose, not be forced.


Do not go down that road under any circumstances, for many pscycho-biological reasons. SAHDs have a very high divorce (wife filing about 90% of the time as opposed to 75% of the overall time) and a very high BH rate. Google SAHD dad divorce wife affair "kitchen b!tch" etc. Lots and lots of anecdotal and pseudo-scientific ("social science") stuff for you to think about. 

And before you say it, you and your wife are _not_ special snowflakes.



MicroStorm said:


> On the other hand...:
> *The wife is the breadwinner (by far) and she feels like she should have some say here.


Breadwinning wife is a high danger signal. However, it's no where near as bad as being a SAHD. Never go full SAHDtard.



MicroStorm said:


> *Because of the economic boom in our area (albeit, most likely a bubble), we've amassed quite a bit of equity/profit in our house. We are starting to see signs of peaking here, and if we're going to sell for a sizable gain, we probably have about a 6-12 month window to do that.


See, that is thinking with the prefrontal cortex. Cash out now, because the whole economy is riding the biggest tulip bubble in world history and it's going to end like all of them do. 

She's leaving the decision up to you, so if you want to maintain your powers of attraction on her, you need to make a command decision based on what's good for the marriage and family rather than her career and bank account. Her widening her earnings power over you is somewhat of a threat to your marriage, believe it or not, even if you don't become a SAHD. And you can't discuss that angle with her, at all. Trying to make decisions based on the prime female directive is not on her radar and you can't put it there, since she doesn't believe that autonomic decision making has any place in the limbic brain of the modern woman.

Good luck.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

^^ I do not agree or recommend above...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Has she tried to find a job where you live now that would maybe help with her hours?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is hedging your bets and moving to a more "in between" location an option? So if you have to switch jobs, you can commute more easily?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

With the future collapse of the economy it is a good idea to get out of the city.
Mach is right about the SAHD situation if you can find part time work that would be good.
My sister and bil just had another boy #2 and the cost of child care is through the roof so if you could be home a few days a week I would give that a shot.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Her new job looks like a blessing in disguise to me.

Get over yourself with all due respect.

And rent the house until you are ready to sell it.

Your job will work itself out.

IT jobs tend to be ubiquitous.

I'm shocked that you are calling a town of 50K "out in the middle of nowhere" that cracks me up... come to Alabama and I'll show you "out in the middle of no where."


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If your marriage is really good, and your wife is thoroughly okay with you being a SAHD if your job fizzles in a year or so, then this may be a good move aside from the minimal social and cultural opportunities the new location would provide. If you think she may lose respect for you if you are unemployed and a SAHD, then I would not recommend moving.

Also, what if your wife does not like the new job once you move, the company goes under, or some other problem arises - are there other opportunities for her in the new location? If not, what is the contingency plan to deal with that (you should at least consider the repercussions if her job falls apart and yours does also). If you have sufficient savings you could move elsewhere and start over, perhaps, otherwise, what do you do? It sounds like you'd come out well ahead financially and have equity left from selling your current house, so at the very least bank some of that for an emergency fund rather than putting it all into a down payment - you can always pay down the new loan after a few years if the new location and job works out.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Easiest decision ever... Make the move. Don't be a SAHD, though. As in EVER.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

You mentioned a couple times that your lives are going well, you're comfortable, etc. Then you go on to describe some pretty serious work and commute issues that your wife has to deal with every day. 

The truth is that _your_ current life is comfortable where you are, but that _your wife's _current life is not nearly as comfortable. She's the one with the unhappy work life and the crappy commute. I think she's probably pretty sure that moving will, indeed, offset the change in her quality of life - by improving it. 

Oh, and a city of 50K people might not be quite as hellishly podunk to live in as you're imagining. On top of that, you say it's 75 miles from a major metro area. I'm pretty sure the new place doesn't actually qualify as the "middle of nowhere".

Can your wife find a lower-paying but less taxing job, with a better commute, in your current city? If a lower joint income doesn't seem feasible for your family, would you be willing to look for a higher-paying job to make up the difference?


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

I think the benefit of the hours is the bigger get here than the money even though that seems to be a bonus. Trust me I work long hours and travel a lot and i wish i was home more. So does the wife and it has at times caused issues. Why wouldn't you want to see her more at home and happy?

Seems you have things comfortable in your current setup but that is only half it. My suggestion would be to try and see if you can get a job paying more that might offset the need for her to work at that job.

Just saying that if you dont come to some agreement for both of you she will hold it against you later. You both need to be happy all the same. Good luck.


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

norajane said:


> Has she tried to find a job where you live now that would maybe help with her hours?


We've talked about this. The problem is that her current group pretty much has a monopoly in the area for her sub-specialty. They have acquired a lot of smaller groups in the area, and they are (largely) the only player in town. There are other jobs in her sub-specialty, of course, but they are getting harder and harder to find. Also, because of the dynamics in her group lately, a lot of her coworkers have been looking in the area too. When something opens somewhere else, it is almost immediately filled by someone my wife currently works with.



PBear said:


> Is hedging your bets and moving to a more "in between" location an option? So if you have to switch jobs, you can commute more easily?


Yes, and we are looking into this option as well. There is another possibility that is "in between" and I'd be very open to accepting.



Married but Happy said:


> Also, what if your wife does not like the new job once you move, the company goes under, or some other problem arises - are there other opportunities for her in the new location? If not, what is the contingency plan to deal with that (you should at least consider the repercussions if her job falls apart and yours does also). If you have sufficient savings you could move elsewhere and start over, perhaps, otherwise, what do you do?


We've talked about that as well. This should be secure for at least 5 years, but of course, you never know. There are no other jobs in the area for her, so we'd be moving again if she were to lose this job. Financially we do very well and have a lot of savings so a move, even in a few years, wouldn't hurt us, except for take precious time.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Based on what you described, I would do the move/new job. 

If you go down this path, you should make an effort to accept it as a joint decision. Don't go along and then look for ways to point out the flaws in the decision after it's done. I only point this out as on paper it seems clearly superior, yet you are also very reluctant.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

if i were you, i would be calling real estate people up today! A less stressful commute/job for here is definatley going to help out the marriage. And 120 miles is nothing, if you miss the city too much, you can go back for the weekend.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Move to the exurbs of that city you mentioned. The ones nearest that town of 50k.

Do not do the sahd thing... Suicide.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Move to the exurbs of that city you mentioned. The ones nearest that town of 50k.
> 
> *Do not do the sahd thing... Suicide.*


No doubt. I'd get a job flipping burgers, picking up trash, or chopping firewood before I did that... even if I had to spend every penny of it on daycare for the kiddos.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What strikes me about your post is that your wife is not as happy with your life as your are. And if she's been supportive of you in the past and is the breadwinner now it would be crappy of you not to support her. Having said that I get your reservations, but is this really the only alternative? Perhaps you could agree to move somewhere a little less in the styx if she could keep looking?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> If your marriage is really good, and your wife is thoroughly okay with you being a SAHD if your job fizzles in a year or so, then this may be a good move aside from the minimal social and cultural opportunities the new location would provide. If you think she may lose respect for you if you are unemployed and a SAHD, then I would not recommend moving.
> 
> Also, what if your wife does not like the new job once you move, the company goes under, or some other problem arises - are there other opportunities for her in the new location? If not, what is the contingency plan to deal with that (you should at least consider the repercussions if her job falls apart and yours does also). If you have sufficient savings you could move elsewhere and start over, perhaps, otherwise, what do you do? It sounds like you'd come out well ahead financially and have equity left from selling your current house, so at the very least bank some of that for an emergency fund rather than putting it all into a down payment - you can always pay down the new loan after a few years if the new location and job works out.


I agree with the above. There's much to talk over in detail with your wife. And don't forget to discuss what happens if your job evaporates. I've got mixed feelings about being a SAHD. It depsends on the age of your kids. If they are in school, there's no reason to be a SAHD, though some arrangement would have to be made for when the kids come home.

Work these things out NOW. If you can do that, the decision will become obvious to both of you. And don't forget, this discussion is between the co-owners of your family -- equal partners all the way.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Talk and compromise. It's both your lives together so communicate and try to find a bit of contentment and happiness for the both of you.

Hope it all works out well for you


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Talk and compromise. It's both your lives together so communicate and try to find a bit of contentment and happiness for the both of you.
> 
> Hope it all works out well for you


:iagree::iagree:
Work it out.
Do your best NOT to be a full time SAHD.
The only one here it works for is Jerry123 who get's hit on all the time YET his w tries to do power plays aka sh!t tests.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Every thing looks good, I'd move.... except for the SAHD.

I have been here way to long and mostly in the "Coping with Infidelity section. The SAHD seems to come up time again... please rethink your stand on being a SAHD .


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

You have two separate issues going on here.

First issue: stay or move. That's easy, make the move.

Second issue: Your sex rank is too far below your wifes. Consider a specific plan on how you will address that issue or it may not matter if you move or not. Whenever there's too much discrepancy between spouses sex rank there is too much to go wrong. It's only a matter of time till she starts getting discontent thinking she married "down". 

You may not know it but you are probably sitting on a ticking time bomb, especially if you have the mentality where you would actually consider being a sahd. You may not be able to close the gap between your salaries, but there are other ways to awe her with your manliness. Good luck.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Good God wake up it's 2014. Get used to WOH becoming the breadwinner more and more. Deal with it before it destroys you. It you are a techie you can stay home (if it comes to that) and work from home in many different areas of the tech world if you are worth your salt. If that is not feasible start a high tech biz and ramp up slow. 

SAHD can be done but I do not believe you are a candidate for the job unless you are bringing home a solid work from home income.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Not sure why people are so against staying at home (if need may be).

Do whatever you gotta do to contribute to the family, if it's SAHF, do it.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

To me, the biggest obstacle in this scenario is just the CHANGE of it all.

It's human nature to be resistant to change. Change is unknown. Change is scary. What if you don't like it? What if the kids don't like it? What if the wife ends up not liking it? But what if you all fall IN LOVE with it?

Agreed with another poster above that giggled at the 50K population being labeled as "the middle of nowhere." I live in middle GA. I have passed through central TX. I know the real definition of "middle of nowhere!" 

I was raised in one of the largest cities in the south (about 250K population.) Moved around due to ex husband being in the military. After we split, I ended up here because of work. ("Here" is a town of less than 10,000 people.) Aside from the "everyone knows EVERYone" mentality, it's a decent place to raise kids. I was having a hard time fitting in though, and moved about 25 miles away to a "city" of about 20,000. Just 10K folks made a MASSIVE difference. HUGE. Unless you are used to a mil+ population, I don't think 50K is going to be as bad as you are afraid of.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

DoF said:


> Not sure why people are so against staying at home (if need may be).
> 
> Do whatever you gotta do to contribute to the family, if it's SAHF, do it.


I don't think people are against the OP doing it. He seems unsure on it. His own words "doesn't want to be forced". Moving to a community where he knows no one and either working from home or being a stay at home dad could be very isolating. Could be that's where the concern comes from. Course doesn't have to be that way and could join like meetup.com or something. 

I'm actually envious of the OPs option to move to a slower paced life. I wish I could get mine to slow down alittle.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I don't think people are against the OP doing it. He seems unsure on it. His own words "doesn't want to be forced". Moving to a community where he knows no one and either working from home or being a stay at home dad could be very isolating. Could be that's where the concern comes from. Course doesn't have to be that way and could join like meetup.com or something.


Yep, but in general, life is what you make it. Friends or "community" doesn't make your life. Sure some people value companionship from friendships and all, but it's not a NEED....he will be just fine isolated and discovering new things about himself.

It's always good to step outside of your comfort zone every now and then.....IMO



Wolf1974 said:


> I'm actually envious of the OPs option to move to a slower paced life. I wish I could get mine to slow down alittle.


Again, not sure how people do it. I couldn't live a fast paced life, not sure if it's a life worth living. But again, that's just me.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

DoF said:


> Yep, but in general, life is what you make it. Friends or "community" doesn't make your life. Sure some people value companionship from friendships and all, but it's not a NEED....he will be just fine isolated and discovering new things about himself.
> 
> It's always good to step outside of your comfort zone every now and then.....IMO
> 
> ...


I can see what your saying about the first part. I wanted to step outside my comfort zone and upon graduating college moved 1000 miles west to start my career in a major city leaving behind all my friends and family. At first this was fine, I made new friends and had my x wife so we built a life together. Once I had kids I missed the small town I grew up in and while my kids have more opportunities than I had here they also won't know what it's like to ride bikes to school, or have the same people they start kindergarten with graduate high school with them. It's a different lifestyle and the older I get the more I miss the slower pace. One of my future plans is upon retirement to get back to one as soon as possible lol


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I can see what your saying about the first part. I wanted to step outside my comfort zone and upon graduating college moved 1000 miles west to start my career in a major city leaving behind all my friends and family. At first this was fine, I made new friends and had my x wife so we built a life together. Once I had kids I missed the small town I grew up in and while my kids have more opportunities than I had here they also won't know what it's like to ride bikes to school, or have the same people they start kindergarten with graduate high school with them. It's a different lifestyle and the older I get the more I miss the slower pace. One of my future plans is upon retirement to get back to one as soon as possible lol


:smthumbup:

When I drive thru NYC and look around, I feel SO bad for families and kids. But to their defense, it's all that those people know so it's normal.

Born/raised in the city, never again.


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

Lots of good responses and I appreciate the feedback and insight. We have a two-month window to play with, so this won't be an impulsive decision no matter what we decide. I was talking to the wife again last night and now she's starting to get cold feet about moving, as she looks deeper into this opportunity. I really don't know what we will do, but we should be in good shape, regardless.



commonsenseisn't said:


> Second issue: Your sex rank is too far below your wifes. Consider a specific plan on how you will address that issue or it may not matter if you move or not. Whenever there's too much discrepancy between spouses sex rank there is too much to go wrong. It's only a matter of time till she starts getting discontent thinking she married "down".


Oh, Lord... this is such crap. It's not like she started making more money than me yesterday. We've been together nearly 10 years now, and I can honestly say that this has never once been an issue. She has never considered me any less of a "man" because she had a higher income than I do (and mine is pretty decent too). It was pretty obvious the day I met her that she would always make more money than I would, and I've actually grown to like this aspect in our relationship. We have never once fought over money and she's been very, very supportive over the years. We've had some bumps in the road, but overall our relationship has been solid. She's given me a good life, and I've experienced things that most likely I would not have been able to do on my own; I wouldn't trade that.

Most of the women she works with "married down" (your words), and I'm not aware of any of them throwing it in their husband's face or this even being an issue.

Anyway, done with this thread. Thanks to all for the comments and feedback.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I"m glad you guys have some time to really think on it. I still think (being the completely unaffected third party, lol) that a move might be one of the best things that ever happened to you guys.

And the whole "marrying down" thing is only an issue to SOME couples. I have known women who married DEAD beats.....didn't work, boozed it up, spent all the money. Um, yes, ANYone SHOULD have an issue with that! I currently make more money than my BF and wouldn't trade him for the world. He is driven and goal oriented, and would NEVER just "quit working" without very good reason. My ex made MUCH more than I (I was a SAHM during most of those years) but I DID marry "down." He worked and made money, but had zero drive, couldn't care less about the future, didn't really think about retirement, had no goals, etc. That crap got old QUICK. You, OP, seem very "with it" and tuned into your marriage (as does your description of your W.) I don't forsee a problem with any decision you two make together. 

P.S. And if you are religious, PRAY! If not, ask for energy guidance. Be still and listen.....if you can separate fear from things, you will feel the answer in your hearts. Good luck!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

maybe at the new location, you can find a job to help contribute to the finances? Her being a sole breadwinner....does not always work out. Despite what women's libers say, women resent a lay-about man staying at home in an apron.


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