# Why do men base someone's worth off of their appearance? The prom queen syndrome



## Question2623 (Aug 11, 2015)

Ok, this is definitely a somewhat petty and kind of offhand question, so don't fret that I'm really worried at all regardless of what my husband is thinking, I just am asking out of pure curiosity..and I know that not ALL men think this way.
Tonight, me and my husband were chatting about life,etc and he's in a very stressed out place with his job. He then offhandedly told me that one co worker who is a complete jerk to everyone in the office was showing off photos of his recent wedding. My husband then tells me that he doesn't understand how a jerk like that gets to marry a prom queen...I may be reading into it, but it caught me off guard, because I don't think my husband is superficial enough to base someone's worth off of their looks alone, yet he has never met the woman and seems to think she's God's gift or something. Well, this made me feel slightly inadequate and almost feeling like he was implying that he feels like he deserves more than this co worker and is jealous that he got to marry a prom queen. Can I have some sort of answer from both men and women on this? Seems like this is a common string of thought for men, when looking at a slightly unattractive man with an attractive woman...whereas my viewpoint as a woman would have me thinking that if I know a bad person who just got married....whether their spouse is attractive or not, if I haven't met them, I probably judge their spouse as equally bad or just unintelligent...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

OK, this is in the workplace... So let me illustrate, guy shows picks of new wife, all anybody talks about is how hot new wife is, your husband may not be jealous that this guys wife is better looking, he may be jealous that such an ahole gets so much attention he doesn't deserve.

You should know if hubbs is superficial, it could be that his statement is anti-superficial, he knows this guy for what he really is, and promqueen could do a lot better...


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## Question2623 (Aug 11, 2015)

gouge_away said:


> OK, this is in the workplace... So let me illustrate, guy shows picks of new wife, all anybody talks about is how hot new wife is, your husband may not be jealous that this guys wife is better looking, he may be jealous that such an ahole gets so much attention he doesn't deserve.
> 
> You should know if hubbs is superficial, it could be that his statement is anti-superficial, he knows this guy for what he really is, and promqueen could do a lot better...


Thanks, that does shed a different light on things, especially since my husband isn't superficial, so that statement he made seemed out of character. 

Just on the topic of " prom queen" perspective, I'm curious on why most people always assume that an attractive female married to a jerk is without any flaw, judging only by her looks? Logically, wouldn't one conclude that since she married this guy, she must either be mean like him, have low self esteem, or have low intelligence based on that decision she made? Just interested in this psychological occurance. Thanks! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Question2623 (Aug 11, 2015)

Bugged said:


> I think men are more focused onlooks than women.
> 
> if you ask a man: what was she like?
> A. She was ugly/pretty and then something else
> ...


Yes, thank you, I'm starting to realize why this is a big disconnect. I don't want to complain and be a hypocrite, since I'm an attractive woman, who made sure to look good on dates, which probably got my husband's attention in the first place. I guess I'm just a bit peeved that after the "initial attraction", many men don't realize that maybe that attractive woman isn't all they've cracked her up to be.There are so many articles out about why women are attracted to jerks...yet they never address that maybe the women who are attracted to jerks are not worth having...whether they are mean, needy, unintelligent, toxic, etc. I have a theory that most jerks attract other jerks. And as a woman with a lot of women friends, the coolest chicks like the nice guys.  _Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

men are visual. Can't be helped. A woman can be working the french fry machine at McD but if she's hot won't matter. 

Do you ever see men making a big deal about an average woman who has a high status career? ie: powerful executive, movie or music star. No. But how many times have you seen woman, even wives and mothers, willing to give some high status man everything they have for a chance to be with him? Exactly.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Question2623 said:


> Ok, this is definitely a somewhat petty and kind of offhand question, so don't fret that I'm really worried at all regardless of what my husband is thinking, I just am asking out of pure curiosity..and I know that not ALL men think this way.
> Tonight, me and my husband were chatting about life,etc and he's in a very stressed out place with his job. He then offhandedly told me that one co worker who is a complete jerk to everyone in the office was showing off photos of his recent wedding. My husband then tells me that he doesn't understand how a jerk like that gets to marry a prom queen...I may be reading into it, but it caught me off guard, because I don't think my husband is superficial enough to base someone's worth off of their looks alone, yet he has never met the woman and seems to think she's God's gift or something. Well, this made me feel slightly inadequate and almost feeling like he was implying that he feels like he deserves more than this co worker and is jealous that he got to marry a prom queen. Can I have some sort of answer from both men and women on this? Seems like this is a common string of thought for men, when looking at a slightly unattractive man with an attractive woman...whereas my viewpoint as a woman would have me thinking that if I know a bad person who just got married....whether their spouse is attractive or not, if I haven't met them, I probably judge their spouse as equally bad or just unintelligent...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*My whole theory is that "opposites attract!" Given that she's deemed to be a nice girl and he's the total rectum in the relationship, either he has not yet exhibited those negative tendencies to her or she is totally oblivious to them, being " too much in love!"

Likely prognosis: Given the true test of time? ~ Well, it ain't gonna last!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Men's first evaluation is - naturally - based on looks, at least until they have something more to go by. An attractive woman is usually a healthy woman, and by extension fertile and a good breeder. That's evolution talking.

Once you get past that and get to know her, she becomes more or less attractive based on many other factors.

So, perhaps the "prom queen" is also a jerk. Who knows?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Well, just because he thinks of her as a prom queen doesn't mean he doesn't think of you as a prom queen ALSO. He didn't say that, did he?


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

I think men in general make snap judgements on other men/women based on their physical appearance.

Are they well groomed/clean?
Are they well dressed?
Are they in good shape?
Are they young/old?
How is the person interacting with others; happy/sad/hostile/nice/smart/dumb/etc.

Answering the questions above will tell you a lot about people. Most men really aren't looking to make emotional connections to everyone they meet. As such we often make judgements on people based upon the few facts we have. 

Your husband knows the guy is a jerk, he's making a snap judgement of his wife based off a picture.


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## inhope (Nov 17, 2010)

He is upset that someone who he considers beneath him has landed a big prize.
Good looking, "hot" women are seen as a big prize to most men it seems to me.

I suppose it is a bit like when the "idiotic" or "ugly" or "*****y" office temp; someone who is seen to be beneath most women, shows off the pics of her wedding to some guy who looks like a male model or is all set to inherit millions. 
She got someone other women would die for and it is upsetting on some level and is seen as being undeserved, it doesn't seem fair. If on the other hand she was beautiful or a "lovely" girl most would then concede that it was OK for her to land the prize.

Your husband sees the unfairness of the situation here. If the prom queen married someone who your husband thought was a decent guy, then he would not be shaking his head in disbelief here either.


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## dearhubby (Aug 11, 2015)

I wouldn't be reading too much into this.

Saying that, the millions of years of evolution cannot be easily discarded and attractiveness" is an evolutionary baggage that is imprinted into everyone's brain (both men and women). Men have a bit worse challenge here since our brains are wired strongly to the visual side of the reality. We are obviously capable to fight off our instincts but it often takes conscious and almost constant effort and trust me, it's not easy to have to go through life watching your every step, word and gaze. There are easier days but sometimes you can be caught off-guard when a prom-queen appears in front of you and your genes kick in before your conscious mind is capable of controlling them. Am I to blame for such a reaction or my genes? I don't know but there are times that this is certainly not an easy life.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Lots of men are attracted to hot women. It's not surprising that they go on to marry them. I don't think it means that the men are necessarily superficial. Hot women could be their weakness. Or just their preference. But also being a hot woman doesn't preclude a great personality or being an interesting person.

A jerk could snag such a woman if he presents a different side to her than what other men see from him. He may or may not be able to hold on to her, though.

If marrying someone solely for their looks it's pretty much expected to be a doomed relationship, but a lot of us know plenty of couples for whom it worked out.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Bugged said:


> I think men are more focused onlooks than women.
> 
> if you ask a man: what was she like?
> A. She was ugly/pretty and then something else
> ...


And a lot women are more focussed on success than men are... Are they also shallow?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Well, just because he thinks of her as a prom queen doesn't mean he doesn't think of you as a prom queen ALSO. He didn't say that, did he?


Exactly. Way too much read into this. I would almost bet a paycheck that what he was saying was a reflection about that guy and had zero to do with his wife..


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Question2623 said:


> Yes, thank you, I'm starting to realize why this is a big disconnect. I don't want to complain and be a hypocrite, *since I'm an attractive woman*, who made sure to look good on dates, which probably got my husband's attention in the first place. I guess I'm just a bit peeved that after the "initial attraction", many men don't realize that maybe that attractive woman isn't all they've cracked her up to be.There are so many articles out about why women are attracted to jerks...yet they never address that maybe the women who are attracted to jerks are not worth having...whether they are mean, needy, unintelligent, toxic, etc. I have a theory that most jerks attract other jerks. And as a woman with a lot of women friends, the coolest chicks like the nice guys.  _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For the bolded, please provide proof so we can judge your worth >

As to the title of the thread, I think it in part depends to what extent men are basing someone's worth off of their appearance. For example, if I see a woman naturally I am going to start making some assessments based on her appearance, what else is there to go by? With appearance it is not just T&A, could be her smile, is she obese, color of her hair, is she smoking (huge turnoff for me), etc... these all make up the physical appearance that she is presenting. Some guys may just stop there but I would bet you many guys go to the next step where they then factor in other qualities such as personality, etc... I know from my own experience I have seen women who at first glance are very attractive ... until they open their mouths.

Also, pretty sure that women are probably the harshest critics of other womens appearances ...


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

> whereas my viewpoint as a woman would have me thinking that if I know a bad person who just got married....whether their spouse is attractive or not, if I haven't met them, I probably judge their spouse as equally bad or just unintelligent...


This is coming from a person who's working on this, but you could be misjudging both.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Bugged said:


> IME at least..I do tend to think a lot of men are shallow.


Yes, we noticed. You're not a fan of the Y chromosome.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Bugged said:


> Yeah well..someone had to balance the number of woman haters on this forum out...
> It's a dirty job but someone 's got to do it..>


So the answer to woman-haters is man-haters? And not just woman-haters, but a goodly portion of the group that pees standing up?

Enjoy your career. You're right - it is a dirty job. Too dirty for my tastes. Stuff the smiley - it isn't cutting it any more.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What if the 'jerk' isn't a jerk at home? What if the 'jerk' has insecurities and comes across that way at work from a defense standpoint?

Your husband may be having problems at work because he sees his coworkers as jerks and beneath him. You already know that he isn't a smooth-talker.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

inhope said:


> He is upset that someone who he considers beneath him has landed a big prize.
> Good looking, "hot" women are seen as a big prize to most men it seems to me.
> 
> I suppose it is a bit like when the "idiotic" or "ugly" or "*****y" office temp; someone who is seen to be beneath most women, shows off the pics of her wedding to some guy who looks like a male model or is all set to inherit millions.
> ...



This is exactly right. There have been numerous discussions on these forums about rating the sex rank of the opposite sex and one's own sex rank and it is true. Men also rate other men just as I presume women rate other women.

Whether you do it consciously or subconsciously, I believe we all rank one another to some degree. When someone makes the comment that he or she is out of my league, only further illustrates this point. 

I have seen some seriously "mis-matched" couples over the years as I'm sure we all have, where one spouse is clearly more attractive than the other. Oh well, to each his or her own.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Well, just because he thinks of her as a prom queen doesn't mean he doesn't think of you as a prom queen ALSO. He didn't say that, did he?


So true. He could just as easily be thinking, how does such a douche get a woman as hot as mine? I had to work hard for MY prom queen, and this ass got one too.


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## whiteviper (Aug 8, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> What if the 'jerk' isn't a jerk at home? What if the 'jerk' has insecurities and comes across that way at work from a defense standpoint?
> 
> Your husband may be having problems at work because he sees his coworkers as jerks and beneath him. You already know that he isn't a smooth-talker.


My ex-boss was the 'jerk', deliver great results to the company but was so high strung to us. We assumed that his wife only saw him for the cash but he was completely different around her. Out of 4 years working for him i saw him smile at max 5 times, and that's only for the upper people. With her, smiled all the time, opened the door, pressed the lift button, and took day off for weeks when their son was born. Some people only want to be kind for few that they love. I actually like that kind


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

everyone judges each other. i think its just human nature.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Bugged said:


> if that's the first thing they talk about yes, they are.


I think this is the heart of the matter. And not even so much what men or women talk about first, but what is more or less important.

Attractive women often will marry down on attractiveness in exchange for a high earner/wealthy man. Men will often accept a woman who isn't as intelligent or not nice person in exchange for a hot wife. 

If you are capable of the above, you are shallow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SurpriseMyself said:


> I think this is the heart of the matter. And not even so much what men or women talk about first, but what is more or less important.
> 
> Attractive women often will marry down on attractiveness in exchange for a high earner/wealthy man. Men will often accept a woman who isn't as intelligent or not nice person in exchange for a hot wife.
> 
> ...


Both will pay for it in their own way. If you use shallow criteria to choose a partner then don't b!tch when they turn out to be shallow.

Among women there is a saying: if you marry for money you'll earn every penny. 

The irony of shallow criteria is that the qualities in question tend to change over time anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

SurpriseMyself said:


> I think this is the heart of the matter. And not even so much what men or women talk about first, but what is more or less important.
> 
> Attractive women often will marry down on attractiveness in exchange for a high earner/wealthy man. Men will often accept a woman who isn't as intelligent or not nice person in exchange for a hot wife.
> 
> ...


And what's wrong with being shallow?

By definition, half of the people you run into on the street have an IQ below 100, some well below. Should we expect everyone to be a wellspring of introspection and depths both plumbed and not? Provided you don't make the world a worse place for your existence, shallow is just another of the endless ways to live your life.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

intheory said:


> Question,
> 
> As a woman, I guess I have to (sheepishly) admit that I do/did evaluate men on their looks. At least if it was someone that I was going to have a physical relationship with.
> 
> ...



I really don't think you should have to (sheepishly) admit anything that is the truth. I don't know why people would or should be all offended if you chose your spouse primarily because you find them attractive. In fact, doing anything else would not be normal IMO.

Now if you married them based on looks alone and really didn't like or love them as a person, then perhaps you could feel "sheepish" to admit such a thing but I dare say that the overwhelming majority of people who get married do so because they find their spouse attractive, at least initially.

Someone's looks or appearance is typically what draws us to them in the first place. I don't think there's any harm in that or anything to apologize for.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> I think this is the heart of the matter. And not even so much what men or women talk about first, but what is more or less important.
> 
> Attractive women often will marry down on attractiveness in exchange for a high earner/wealthy man. Men will often accept a woman who isn't as intelligent or not nice person in exchange for a hot wife.
> 
> ...



I'm not really sure that makes you shallow. In fact, maybe it just means that you got what you wanted. If a guy wants a "hot" wife above all else, and then married one, how can we then be accusatory toward him?

Conversely, if a woman wants security and some degree of wealth and places importance on that above all else, how can we say she was shallow when she achieves said goal?

Just because someone is willing to do something that some of us may not do, does not mean we get to judge them.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> And a lot women are more focussed on success than men are... Are they also shallow?


Well said.
The elephant in the room!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Do you feel sometimes attracted o the guy, who is very charming and smooth talking? And your husband would wonder if you are so shallow not to see through all that smooth talk.

We are just using different senses.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Just my observation but it's always seemed that the prom queen type woman is always more attracted to the "jerk" type of guy. That seems to certainly fit this situation.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Well, it's common knowledge that women are generally attracted to "bad boys" who take risks and look cool. But I don't think many actually end up marrying these types unless they are loaded. 

It's hypocrisy to criticize men for being shallow and consider looks in a woman, but rationalize it when women look at a man's status and wealth while considering him for a mate. Men and women both want different things in a mate and there are evolutionary reasons for it.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> Just my observation but it's always seemed that the prom queen type woman is always more attracted to the "jerk" type of guy. That seems to certainly fit this situation.



I can't speak to the "jerk" part of the quote because it's a subjective term but I can assure you that "hot" women may not get asked out as much as you would think because a lot of guys are too intimidated to try.

My wife was the most strikingly beautiful woman I had ever seen when I was in college. She had blonde hair and piercing blue eyes that just melted me. That didn't stop me from pursuing her but she told me that she had gone out with several guys who acted weirdly around her.

She said that they fawned all over her and genuinely acted like she was so far out of their league that she was unable to find them attractive, even though she said some of them were initially.

I've never been accused of being a nice guy but have been called a jerk on occasion by my wife. I'll admit that I'm very assertive and have always taken what I wanted when it came to certain things in life.

Whatever the case, apparently my wife liked being treated like every other woman instead of guys swooning all around her. She preferred the confident, I could take you or leave you type of attitude I had at the time. 

Now, I'd like to think that I've improved on some of those shortcomings I've had over the years and I think I have as my wife hasn't referred to me as a jerk in probably 15 years. Perhaps I've just mellowed some with age. Who knows. :smile2:


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## inhope (Nov 17, 2010)

jb02157 said:


> Just my observation but it's always seemed that the prom queen type woman is always more attracted to the "jerk" type of guy. That seems to certainly fit this situation.


Its a stereotype.
I think many jealous men like to portray "the winner" as a jerk, otherwise they would be seen to be losers, they tried and failed, and they are then placed below him in perceived status and that would never do. 
He is therefore an "idiotic jerk" and she is just a "dumb blonde" who cannot see it...


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

If my memory serves me right, the "Prom Queen" is elected among peers.

It takes more than her looks to gain respect, her character must be admirable.

Whether your husband casted his vote in her name or not, he may very well have considered you as his wife the better in character and looks, yet, his opinion of you or her isn't enough to change her title. She is liked most by her peers, and married a man who is liked least by his peers.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

inhope said:


> Its a stereotype.
> I think many jealous men like to portray "the winner" as a jerk, otherwise they would be seen to be losers, they tried and failed, and they are then placed below him in perceived status and that would never do.
> He is therefore an "idiotic jerk" and she is just a "dumb blonde" who cannot see it...



Or maybe these high value women just like a challenge. Men who swoon over them are not up to the challenge. They are just yes men. These women want someone who can push back when needed and be assertive. Some may call them "jerks" but they don't have to be.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Question2623 said:


> Thanks, that does shed a different light on things, especially since my husband isn't superficial, so that statement he made seemed out of character.
> 
> Just on the topic of " prom queen" perspective, I'm curious on why most people always assume that an attractive female married to a jerk is without any flaw, judging only by her looks? Logically, wouldn't one conclude that since she married this guy, she must either be mean like him, have low self esteem, or have low intelligence based on that decision she made? Just interested in this psychological occurance. Thanks!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Without going too deep. People are instantly impacted by appearance.

It was a picture displayed at work and your H had a first look reaction. Happens with women too.

I have never been impressed with women who date or marry jerks regardless of what they look like but a strong juvenile streak does appear to exist in many regarding looks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Mostlycontent said:


> I'm not really sure that makes you shallow. In fact, maybe it just means that you got what you wanted. If a guy wants a "hot" wife above all else, and then married one, how can we then be accusatory toward him?
> 
> Conversely, if a woman wants security and some degree of wealth and places importance on that above all else, how can we say she was shallow when she achieves said goal?
> 
> Just because someone is willing to do something that some of us may not do, does not mean we get to judge them.


I agree, my thought is that to don't get to complain about the qualities you end up with that you didn't place enough value on to consider. If your only goal is a hot wife and you get one, you can't complain about any other quality she may have because nothing else was important enough to consider. 

Same with women who marry for money. If money is the only thing that concerns you that means you're willingly signing up for whatever else he brings, be it nice guy or selfish ahole.

Make sure that which is important to you is considered. Here's one suggestion for the guys that want a hot wife: try to make sure she's into you. If you convince a hot woman to put out that doesn't translate to her being hot for you, it only means she'll put up with you long enough for you to get off. You don't get to complain about duty or corpse sex. If you want more enthusiastic sex find a woman who's into you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

SurpriseMyself said:


> I think this is the heart of the matter. And not even so much what men or women talk about first, but what is more or less important.
> 
> *Attractive women often will marry down on attractiveness in exchange for a high earner/wealthy man. *Men will often accept a woman who isn't as intelligent or not nice person in exchange for a hot wife.
> 
> ...


Marrying for looks is pretty shallow too.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Mostlycontent said:


> I can't speak to the "jerk" part of the quote because it's a subjective term but I can assure you that "hot" women may not get asked out as much as you would think because a lot of guys are too intimidated to try.
> 
> My wife was the most strikingly beautiful woman I had ever seen when I was in college. She had blonde hair and piercing blue eyes that just melted me. That didn't stop me from pursuing her but she told me that she had gone out with several guys who acted weirdly around her.
> 
> ...


*This *is a perfect example of beta behavior, whereas this is alpha behavior. So it's not surprising that she found you more attractive than those other guys.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

People wonder how this guy --- the president of France has been able to score with two hot women.










and the mother of his 4 children:










But the world now knows that at least that last one was psycho.


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## don_draper (Aug 18, 2015)

Question2623 said:


> Ok, this is definitely a somewhat petty and kind of offhand question, so don't fret that I'm really worried at all regardless of what my husband is thinking, I just am asking out of pure curiosity..and I know that not ALL men think this way.
> Tonight, me and my husband were chatting about life,etc and he's in a very stressed out place with his job. He then offhandedly told me that one co worker who is a complete jerk to everyone in the office was showing off photos of his recent wedding. My husband then tells me that he doesn't understand how a jerk like that gets to marry a prom queen...I may be reading into it, but it caught me off guard, because I don't think my husband is superficial enough to base someone's worth off of their looks alone, yet he has never met the woman and seems to think she's God's gift or something. Well, this made me feel slightly inadequate and almost feeling like he was implying that he feels like he deserves more than this co worker and is jealous that he got to marry a prom queen. Can I have some sort of answer from both men and women on this? Seems like this is a common string of thought for men, when looking at a slightly unattractive man with an attractive woman...whereas my viewpoint as a woman would have me thinking that if I know a bad person who just got married....whether their spouse is attractive or not, if I haven't met them, I probably judge their spouse as equally bad or just unintelligent...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Harsh reality is most men are shallow. The frequency of affairs and divorce in Hollywood is all the proof you need. Those people are no different than your average citizen except they are much better looking and caught a few breaks along the way. They change marriages like wardrobes because they are able to. That is why Being John Malkovich was such a brilliant film. Give your average good guy husband access to 20-something Brad Pitt's body for 30 days and watch him turn into a total sh!t...


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