# Problematic inlaws



## Zab (Jul 25, 2012)

Things are going well in my marriage generally except our financial situation, and I feel that my hubbys parents are not making it easier for us. 1stly, my father inlaw is an alchoholic who doesnot support his family at all. Then my mother inlaw found a job away from home and she was making good money for herself and was able to claim her independance. Amazingly she quit the job for no apparent resons and returned to her husband. She demanded to take my one year old son to look after him while I go to work and he come visits me on weekends. What I don't really understand is why would she leave her well paying job to settle for this? Firstly the father in law is a drunkard, he doesnot take care of his family what so ever and he lived an adulterus life as a result he's hiv positive, then why would one come back to that? Now she has added an extra load on our shoulders because she's nolonger working and asks for money all the time. I know they are our parents and we should help them. But I feel that they should be meeting us half way. Even in the end of the month when father inlaw got his salary they stlill gonna ask for money to buy food. I feel like she's now using my son being there as an emotional blackmail, she knows that if she says there is no food we'll make a plan for our son not to sturve. Don't get me wrong we do take care of our son, we buy clothing for him, nappies and milk, my huby also gives them some money on a weekly basis- but its always never enough and they won't do anything to meet us half way all they do is make demands. We even have to increase our debts by borrowing money to fill their demands when its above our powers. I feel that as our parents they should be able to be there for us when we need them but there's no such, we should be the ones coming to their aid all the time and sometimes I feel like they are just being selfish!. I'm getting tired of this family I just don't know how to deal with them anymore. My husband doesnot have any siblings so its just them and one grand son,but still.... We are also strugling to make ends means as it is,high house rates, debts, furnishing our home and other life expenses, we could do with some load shading, but no the load keeps increasing. Another thing that's bothering me is my son's weight, it keeps droping and droping ever since he stays there- he is 17 months old now and all his clothes had gone too big he's down to size 3-6months whereas he's 17 months. Mother in law denies that but she could see its true. What must I do mara ye? I've ran out of ideas. #sad#
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have let your 17 month old son go live with an HIV positive alcoholic man and his wife who makes bad choices. 

Why on earth would you put your son at risk like this?

Now your son is losing weight to the point of being the size of a small infant.. yet this is the last thing you bring up? 

Living with an alcoholic does terrible things to a child. You son's weight loss sounds like he's dying. If the's really lost that much weight, do not expect him to live much longer.

Please get your son, have him checked for HIV. I hope to God nothing horrible has happened to him. Then never, ever let him go back there.

Where is your family? Your parents and siblings.

Tell your husband that you will not support his mentally ill mother and father any more and that you will raise your own child. 

I hope your child survives this.


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## Zab (Jul 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You have let your 17 month old son go live with an HIV positive alcoholic man and his wife who makes bad choices.
> 
> Why on earth would you put your son at risk like this?
> 
> ...


Thanks girl I know I should have toughned up and face up to my demons for the welbeing of my son, but I took a back seat instead. My family is there and my son was staying with them while mother inlow was working, he was fine and well taken care of, but my parents stays too far from us so hubby insisted that he stays with his mom when she got back. He trusts them because they raised him so I let it go. But you made me think things trough I'm gonna put a stop to all this, I feel bad that I let it to continue for so long- anyway thanks you opened my eyes.
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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

People who have money to support an alcohol addiction have enough money for food. Giving a drunk money is the same as giving him booze. I don't spend my hard-earned money on booze, dope, tats, gambling, etc for myself. Don't see why I should hand it over to someone else who would spend it that way. I feel some obligation for my parents but my primary obligations are to my kids and my wife. There's no way I would let my kid hang out, unsupervised, with a drunk and a drunk's enabler.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zab said:


> Thanks girl I know I should have toughned up and face up to my demons for the welbeing of my son, but I took a back seat instead. My family is there and my son was staying with them while mother inlow was working, he was fine and well taken care of, but my parents stays too far from us so hubby insisted that he stays with his mom when she got back. He trusts them because they raised him so I let it go. But you made me think things trough I'm gonna put a stop to all this, I feel bad that I let it to continue for so long- anyway thanks you opened my eyes.


Surely there are baby sitters and nurseries near you where your son can go while you work.

What % of your income(not your husband's but yours) do you give to your inlaws?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Zab said:


> Things are going well in my marriage generally except our financial situation, and I feel that my hubbys parents are not making it easier for us. 1stly, my father inlaw is an alchoholic who doesnot support his family at all. Then my mother inlaw found a job away from home and she was making good money for herself and was able to claim her independance. Amazingly she quit the job for no apparent resons and returned to her husband. She demanded to take my one year old son to look after him while I go to work and he come visits me on weekends. What I don't really understand is why would she leave her well paying job to settle for this? Firstly the father in law is a drunkard, he doesnot take care of his family what so ever and he lived an adulterus life as a result he's hiv positive, then why would one come back to that? Now she has added an extra load on our shoulders because she's nolonger working and asks for money all the time. I know they are our parents and we should help them. But I feel that they should be meeting us half way. Even in the end of the month when father inlaw got his salary they stlill gonna ask for money to buy food. I feel like she's now using my son being there as an emotional blackmail, she knows that if she says there is no food we'll make a plan for our son not to sturve. Don't get me wrong we do take care of our son, we buy clothing for him, nappies and milk, my huby also gives them some money on a weekly basis- but its always never enough and they won't do anything to meet us half way all they do is make demands. We even have to increase our debts by borrowing money to fill their demands when its above our powers. I feel that as our parents they should be able to be there for us when we need them but there's no such, we should be the ones coming to their aid all the time and sometimes I feel like they are just being selfish!. I'm getting tired of this family I just don't know how to deal with them anymore. My husband doesnot have any siblings so its just them and one grand son,but still.... We are also strugling to make ends means as it is,high house rates, debts, furnishing our home and other life expenses, we could do with some load shading, but no the load keeps increasing. Another thing that's bothering me is my son's weight, it keeps droping and droping ever since he stays there- he is 17 months old now and all his clothes had gone too big he's down to size 3-6months whereas he's 17 months. Mother in law denies that but she could see its true. What must I do mara ye? I've ran out of ideas. #sad#
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know you’ve described a terrible scenario. In-laws sponging off you, your child living with an alcoholic and such. It’s a massive indicator that you (and your husband) have exceedingly weak and poor personal boundaries.

So read books on boundaries. Learn what is of the utmost importance to you, your core values that you will never under any circumstances compromise. For example for some people it’s their credibility, in that they will never do anything that would result in them losing it.

Some of your core values MUST be around your child. You are the woman who is there to protect and nurture him/her. That is your job, your number one, non negotiable boundary. As it is your husband’s as well.

You also need very strong, non negotiable financial boundaries wrt your in-laws. Tell then in no uncertain terms there is no more money from you. Your mother-in-law is just lazy and she’s taken the easy route going to you two for money.


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## Zab (Jul 25, 2012)

AFEH said:


> You know you’ve described a terrible scenario. In-laws sponging off you, your child living with an alcoholic and such. It’s a massive indicator that you (and your husband) have exceedingly weak and poor personal boundaries.
> 
> So read books on boundaries. Learn what is of the utmost importance to you, your core values that you will never under any circumstances compromise. For example for some people it’s their credibility, in that they will never do anything that would result in them losing it.
> 
> ...


True that, thanks
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