# The last part of the formal life



## Wolf1974

So I have come to the conclusion that I need to sell my house. Bit of backstory: I never wanted this house, my X wife did. I was left out of the decision entirely. While nothing is wrong with it I just don't like they style or the location of the house. The only reason I agreed to buy it was because my X wife assured me this would be a starter house for us, 5 years max, then we would get something we "both" liked. We were under some pressure at the time because our lease in the apartment we lived in was coming due.

Well life progresses and we had kids so that pushed it back. Then found out about her affair and divorced her. At first she wanted to "buy me out of the house" which I knew was never going to happen cause she couldn't afford it. Well after several attempts to get loans she was shot down I tried to sell it just as the housing market crashed 5 years ago. I could have gotten out but would have lost my shirt on all the improvements I made. So I refinanced and stayed. It has now been 13 years I have been in this house I never wanted.

After divorce, like so many of you, I reinvented myself. You would be hard pressed to recognize anything the same. Even this house that we both lived it I completely refurbished into more my style, as much as you can anyway with paint, carpet and fixtures. 

I'm due to get promoted within a year and that means crap scheduled and days off, now is the best time to sell. So I investigated and talked with an agent and my house is worth a lot more than I thought. Comps like mine are going in the 4-8 day range so this is it, everything is finally aligning. So why am I hesitant about this?

I am just wondering if anyone has been through this where you sold your family home and got another place and how you felt about it. My hesitation I think comes from my kids. Both were bor in this house, not literally mind you, and many many memories here. My oldest is taking it in stride but my youngest was in tears when I told her. I wasn't expecting that reaction. If anyone could share their experience on this I could really use the insight

Thanks


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## brooklynAnn

It's all the memories and history of the house. Kids are always going to want to hang on to their childhood home. It's what offers them protection and keeps them safe.

Anytime, we have the sell convo our kids start in. We have a 3 family in Brooklyn and the market is booming. But our kids have divided the house already. My DD gets the two floors we live in now and her brother gets the rental. We never thought we would be in this house so long, 18 yrs. But the kids got into a great MS and HS and we stayed. 

But in a few years the kids will have their own lives and we will still be here. So, in a few years we will sell and move down south. They will be happy when we can give them money for a downpayment of their own houses.


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## lifeistooshort

I understand. Before hb and I got a house together I lived in the house I shared with ex, the first house I ever owned. My older son was a toddler when we moved there and my younger son came home from the hospital to that house. 

Like you I'd made it into my home after ex left and it had a lot of memories. I'd only been there about 5 years so I can just imagine what it's like for you with 13 years.

Right before I moved out i sat in the living room and cried like a baby. Then I packed up, with the help of hb, and left with the kids. 

I think hb wanted me to move in with him to the house he had with his ex, but that wasn't going to happen. I didn't like it, he had sh!t boundaries with ex, and she still saw it as hers because she'd lived there. 

Ironically my ex bought me out of my house, I gave him a good deal. Now when I drop our boys off i don't give it much thought, he's turned it into his place. 

And my boys are comfortable at our house now, though in fairness they were little so likely don't remember much. 

How old are yours again? 

I don't know what to advise but I do know that if you decide to go don't be surprised if you grieve a little. But it will pass.

Maybe it would be good for you to close that chapter of your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bananapeel

It seems like far too often the emotional and logical parts of our brains are in disagreement. You already know that you are going to sell it, so just give it some time for the emotional reaction to subside. Depending on the age of your kids you could have them help you shop for your new house so they feel some excitement about moving. What I've learned about kids is they are notoriously self centered and there is nothing wrong with using that to your advantage. Ask them what features they want in a house (e.g. pool, close to park, bigger rooms, near a lake, bigger lot size, etc.) and then look for a house with those features to get them invested in the benefit of moving to a better place. I've personally sold a couple homes and moved, but I had bought those homes knowing they wouldn't be permanent. It's always a little sad moving because each house has its own memories attached to it.


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## Wolf1974

lifeistooshort said:


> I understand. Before hb and I got a house together I lived in the house I shared with ex, the first house I ever owned. My older son was a toddler when we moved there and my younger son came home from the hospital to that house.
> 
> Like you I'd made it into my home after ex left and it had a lot of memories. I'd only been there about 5 years so I can just imagine what it's like for you with 13 years.
> 
> Right before I moved out i sat in the living room and cried like a baby. Then I packed up, with the help of hb, and left with the kids.
> 
> I think hb wanted me to move in with him to the house he had with his ex, but that wasn't going to happen. I didn't like it, he had sh!t boundaries with ex, and she still saw it as hers because she'd lived there.
> 
> Ironically my ex bought me out of my house, I gave him a good deal. Now when I drop our boys off i don't give it much thought, he's turned it into his place.
> 
> And my boys are comfortable at our house now, though in fairness they were little so likely don't remember much.
> 
> How old are yours again?
> 
> I don't know what to advise but I do know that if you decide to go don't be surprised if you grieve a little. But it will pass.
> 
> Maybe it would be good for you to close that chapter of your life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank for the post makes me feel better. They are 10 and 6. Chances are my 6 year old may never even remember this house at all. I have quilled her fears by saying I would take her with me when we house shop so she can have input. She seemed to like that lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA

There is a very real transition for them to make. Especially new friends. Be alert and prowess to help them. In someways they will be rebuilding themselves like you did. 

Your new job and new home, what type of social net will they have ?


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## lifeistooshort

Wolf1974 said:


> Thank for the post makes me feel better. They are 10 and 6. Chances are my 6 year old may never even remember this house at all. I have quilled her fears by saying I would take her with me when we house shop so she can have input. She seemed to like that lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Kids love to have input, and we as parents can put a lot of spin on things. 

I told my older son that the schools would be good and his middle and high school would be very close.

And that he'd get his own room..... and when he saw the big back yard he was sold.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974

JohnA said:


> There is a very real transition for them to make. Especially new friends. Be alert and prowess to help them. In someways they will be rebuilding themselves like you did.
> 
> Your new job and new home, what type of social net will they have ?


It will all be the same. They I'll be in same school district and same area we are in now


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## JohnA

Good move staying local if your daughters are doing well. Even though myself and siblings where in HS or junior high and were all in for a move, my dad turn down a promotion which would have taken us out of state. Looking back in time I think part of his consideration was not only his children (maybe 75 %) but also his and my mom's social network. These friends remain close though out their lives and still are in some ways as I meet a group of them perhaps monthly to stay in touch.


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## Wolf1974

JohnA said:


> Good move staying local if your daughters are doing well. Even though myself and siblings where in HS or junior high and were all in for a move, my dad turn down a promotion which would have taken us out of state. Looking back in time I think part of his consideration was not only his children (maybe 75 %) but also his and my mom's social network. These friends remain close though out their lives and still are in some ways as I meet a group of them perhaps monthly to stay in touch.


Yes I should have been more clear about where this move was going lol. When we divorced I did try to get sole custody so I could move out of this state back to my home state for family support but I lost. One way or another I am here now until my youngest graduates high school.

I would be honestly shocked if I move more than 3-4 miles form my current house. They will stay in the same school district through elementary school then I may move them to a better district for middle and high school. I haven't made that decision yet.


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## JohnA

If middle school and high school might change there are a lot of benefits to moving into those districts now. Also keep in mind the lower the mortgage and taxes are the better off you are.


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## JohnA

If you could drop in on Hantel threads for a bit I think you could be a real up. If he gets the living arrangements, custody, and asset splits on the table now he can avoid a lot of costs and pain short term. When the wife's and AP fantasy blows up he will be in a much better place to deciede what to do if she tries to come back. 

My point is I believe there are two types of reconciliation's that fail; false and mistaken. False reconciliations occur when one spouse is still in the fog which causes a lack of commitment. The other "mistaken" occurs when despite the commitment and efforts by both parties the issues cannot be overcome. For example a young couple where one wants children the other does not. There really is no middle ground.


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## Sammy64

i bought my House for my ExW.. She loved it and all, but when it came time to D, I owned the house.. she wanted it, But could not afford to buy it from me. I told her i was going to keep it, she was happy i guess that i kept it. well after about 8 months my DD started to not like coming over, to many memory's and all, she would say. I sold it, got way to much money for it, was able to pay off all debt both personal and what i took in the D. Pissed ExW off, we where close to each other, it was easy for her to come and pick up the kid and i was debt free. I moved into a little one bed room apartment, had my D come with me looking and she loved the place, so thats where i/we went. Now, she is busting my butt to buy another house. 
Keep the kids involved with the process, have them help sell the house with you ( I had a estate sale, and she ran the whole thing, Pricing, explained what it was and all) have them help with finding the new home.

one thing i have read here,and i think it was T that said "Its only a house".


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## soccermom2three

Your youngest sounds like my daughter, now 20. She is very sentimental. She told me yesterday that she doesn't want me and my husband to ever move because she wants to be able to come back to this house to visit us.

I like the advice to involve the children in the house hunt.


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## WreckTangle

I can somewhat relate. When we first got married, we lived in a house that was owned by her mom and dad. When we bought our first home, we did so in my hometown. It was a fixer-upper and I put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into it. When she announced last year that she wanted out of the marriage, she made it clear she had no attachment to the house. She said it never felt like "home" which kind of blew my mind. We bought it in 2009...so she spent quite a few years living there...mostly good years. Long story short, she let me keep house. I'm currently going through refinance. I'll actually end up with a lower payment than we had. 

I feel an attachment to the house. It feels like home to me. More importantly, it is the only home my kids have known (my son is 6 and my daughter is 3.5). Yes, they have another "home" these days, but this was their first home. This was the home they shared with their mommy and daddy. I know I might sound sentimental, but it means something to me. Our years as a "family" were far too short, but I think we made a lot of memories in those years. I want my kids to be able to sleep in the same bedrooms they've slept in since they were babies. I want them to eat in the same kitchen and play in the same living room.

I want to sleep in the same room. It's tough, because her memories haunt the house. I can't look anywhere and not conjure a memory or a moment. I can close my eyes and hear her in the kitchen. I can see her sitting on the couch engrossed in one of her reality television programs. I can see and hear the birthday parties. 

She stayed with me in the house until our divorce was finalized in August. It was a strange spring and summer, but also kind of nice. It was like the last days of fall before it truly gets cold...and now that winter has set in...I find comfort going home to that house.

I guess I don't see myself ever leaving unless I have to. I'll slowly transform it into more of "my" home. Our tastes were never quite similar (and I think I have pretty good taste for a guy). It will start to look more and more like my house...and her influence will seem less and less. That makes me sad, but it will happen. 

I wonder if her ghost will continue to haunt it, or whether those memories will slowly fade away?


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## MarriedDude

From the child perspective...

When I graduated college and started being a "normal" grown-up -I was given the house I grew up in. 

I sold it almost immediately. 

I thought I was sentimental...but I liked the cash more


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## Holland

All the best to you Wolf, hope you get a huge price for your house and find the perfect place for your family.


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## Hopeful Cynic

When my ex left, I kept the house for a few years. The kids were very young and had only ever known the one place. I tried to slowly make it mine over time, but it was too full of memories to be easily done. And they weren't good memories either - even all the positive ones were tainted by my ex's affair.

I started househunting, looking for the perfect home in the same area and school zone. I knew I needed to move, but I wasn't going to disrupt the kids' school and friendships more than necessary. Everything that I disliked about the old house, I wanted to change, plus all the things I didn't know I needed ten years ago but did now. I would have been happy with that house's flaws had the marriage stayed what I thought it was, though.

Every time something was inconvenient about the old house, I'd get the kids thinking about a new one. "Wouldn't life be easier if we had another bathroom?" "Wouldn't you love it if your bedroom was bigger?" "Just think how much more sports stuff we could have if we had a garage!" That sort of thing. I watched a lot of house hunting and reno shows and got them enthused about the things we saw, that could be in our dream house.

After some time of talking it up, and going to open houses, I found it! Now I have a wonderful new house, that's just right for me and for the children to grow up the rest of the way in.

The other house could have been my original family's "forever home." This house is my current family's "forever home."


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## Corpuswife

My kids, when we divorced were 16 and 21. They didn't like it when their dad decided to sell and move....both were very sentimental about their "family" home. They were 19 and 24 at the time. They understood but shared the memories. Both their dad and I felt bad due to the fact that this was their last piece of "family" as they knew it.

Divorce sucks. Guild sucks. Knowing what is best is sometimes just your best guess. Your kids are young enough and there are plenty of memories to be made!!


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## Wolf1974

Just an update. I sold my house and found another just outside the city. For my mental health I think it will be great to be outside of the city. Hard to live where you work in my profession at times. 

At first my kids were not thrilled but thanks to some good advice here I got them involved with the decision on the new house and we picked one as a family. I think I really needed this and had no idea what an anchor this was around my neck. This will be the last part of my past I need to let go.

I will be financing the house by myself and my GF will be coming with me, which pleases me just fine . This selling process has been much harder than I was lead to believe and so glad to be done with it. Now just the moving in the next 45 days.


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## 3Xnocharm

Congrats!!


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## TheGoodGuy

Yep, congrats Wolf, I may be doing something similar in the next few months. Apparently comps around me are going in 1-2 weeks as well. Good time to be a seller!


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## Wolf1974

TheGoodGuy said:


> Yep, congrats Wolf, I may be doing something similar in the next few months. Apparently comps around me are going in 1-2 weeks as well. Good time to be a seller!


True but I found being a buyer was a pain. No one would take a contingency for selling my home. This was a major juggling act. I hope you fair better than I did.:wink2:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three

Wishing you happiness in your new home!


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