# Wife Cheated



## Turkey (May 5, 2013)

OK here it goes. I found this site just like a lot of you probably have, looking for answers after I found out my wife has cheated on me. I'm looking for some sound advice and suggestions.

My wife and I have been going through a rough time for the last couple of months. She tells me that she is not happy at home. She has stayed away for a week two different times with one of her female coworkers. I also know one of the nights she has spent at a male friends house. She swears that the male friend is just a friend and he got mad at her for what she was doing to our marriage. She said he told her she was screwing up. 

During all of this I am telling her how much I love her and trying to figure out how I can fix the situation. Lots of crying and talking. She keeps telling me that she loves me more than anything but she's confused about “us” and that stuff from a long time ago has screwed her head up. When she was younger she was raped and this is what I’m thinking she is talking about.

Finally in one of our cry sessions I ask her for the 3rd or 4th time if she has cheated on me and she finally says yes. She says it was in her last year of law school with the same guy multiple times. She tells me the relationship ended in 2010 and it was only sex not love and that I didn't know him. We got married in 2010 after a nine year relationship. I know this was going on after we married but I'm not sure if it was going on before or for how long. I get pissed and tell her to get out and never come back.

She texts me later that night and asks me if I think we have a chance of fixing this and that she loves me. I asked her if she wanted to try to fix our relationship and she says yes. 

The next morning I send her a text.

“When was the last time you cheated on me. And I need you to be 100% honest. No more BS. Your holding way to much back and I don’t think your being completely honest with me”

“I'm not being completely honest with you. And I still don’t think answering all of those questions will do anything but make things worse”

“You are a coward. And things will never have a chance of getting better until you answer all of my questions. You need to come clean on everything.

“ You don’t want to know everything. You're just making things up in your head... The last time was in 2010.”

“You are correct, I don't want to know everything. I just don’t want any more lies. There are some things I have to know. When your ready to tell the truth get back to me.

“Why do you think I’m not?

Then the phone rings. I finally get out of her that she slept with one of her girlfriends a week ago. She says she was just confused and wanted to try it and that she didn't like it. I tell her that if she has any more skeletons in the closet now is the time to put them on the table. She reply’s that there is nothing else.

We started our relationship when she was 18 and I was 25. It has had plenty of ups and downs. Our sex life has not been the greatest over the years. We have never really argued about much, we just seem to hold things in. We have no kids. I already have an appointment scheduled with a therapist at the same office that her therapist is in. She has only seen her therapist for work performance related issues. About six months ago was prescribed ADHD medication to help her stay on task at work. We both work a lot, her more than me. She is not staying at our house again by my choice this time. (back at the female coworkers house I think)

On top of all of this I just found out my sister has brain and lung cancer that came from her breast cancer that they thought was all gone. 

I don't know where to go from here or if there is anything else that I should be doing. I'm not sure that she has told me everything. I think I still love her but don’t know if I can ever look at her the same again. Her job keeps her away from home a lot and I don’t know if I can take not knowing if she is at work or out cheating again.

Hopefully this all makes sense, I'm not a very good writer.

Thanks for listening.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

So very sorry to hear about your sister. I hope she makes a full recovery.

As to your wife, it sounds to me as if her entire time with you has been one of betrayal and frankly I have my doubts it will ever really end. She lies, she deceives, she has yet to tell you the truth about the guy she had sex with...

You can go though more drama for a few years before calling it quits or as painful as it sounds, just cut your losses and find someone who really will commit to you.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

If and when you get the truth then what ?

Also sorry about your sister


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Run, no kids, no faith in cheating partner, run.

Cheated on you three times at least and she travels. This makes slim and none look like great odds.

Oh, and she always has the excuse she was raped/abused.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Cut your wife loose and concentrate on your sister. Prayers for you both.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its so bad she won't tell you aboutl she took off a couple of weeks to try out a girlfriend and a boyfriend who was supposedly counseling her, you know........"giving her marriage advice.........all night long."

Btw....I know you know all this, but yes, it is what it looks like, adultery.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Sorry for the situation you are facing and I certainly hope things work out for your sister.

I find it odd that the last time she cheated was in 2010 and the confusion has suddenly started now?? Can you get a look at her cell phone bill and see if any number shows up with a lot of calls or texts? That may provide some hints. 

If you want to, drop a var in her car, easy and effective. 

At the end of the day, you two have no kids, she's a cheater and a liar. She's admitting to not telling you everything- that tells me she's not really remorseful either. 

Are you sure you would want her back? You are still young and have time to build a good life with a spouse who not give you an STD or have you raise another man's kid that she's trying to pass off as yours... not meant to say that your current wife would do this, but...

Good luck
WD


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Turkey said:


> OK here it goes. I found this site just like a lot of you probably have, looking for answers after I found out my wife has cheated on me. I'm looking for some sound advice and suggestions.
> 
> My wife and I have been going through a rough time for the last couple of months. She tells me that she is not happy at home. She has stayed away for a week two different times with one of her female coworkers. I also know one of the nights she has spent at a male friends house. She swears that the male friend is just a friend and he got mad at her for what she was doing to our marriage. She said he told her she was screwing up.
> 
> ...


OK. Glad you found us, sorry you had to seek us out.

First issue, do you have a problem with your self-confidence? The reason I ask is because you wrote a perfectly lucid and concise post and then said: 



> I'm not a very good writer.


I am a journalist so I can say that you are a good writer. So, that's that out of the way.

People with issues such as being raped do not always cheat but it is not uncommon. Other mental health issues can also cause problems with fidelity.

Your wife is engaged in acts that are self-destructive. 

Does your wife suffer from ADHD? If not, then it was wrong -and perhaps criminally negligent- for her to be prescribed with ADHD medication. You both need to get this medication checked out by her regular doctor ASAP. Check if it clashes when any other prescription medication, etc.

Individual counselling and couple's counselling would be imperative, I feel. Psychiatric evaluation for your wife might also be advisable.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Oh, get tested for STDs. Do you really believe that she was just chatting it up with the dude she spent the night with recently? That's awfully difficult to believe.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

1.You will want to get a full time line from her before you decide or agree to attempt reconciliation.

2. You should have access to all email accounts, facebook, and the cell phone password etc, no exceptions period.

3. You should monitor her cellphone and internet usage over the next few months while you decide what to do.

4. I made it a condition to my wife that she would have to attend regular counseling with a psychiatrist, for at least a year as a condition of coming back. He diagnosed her with severe depression, and wanted to put her on antidepressants on the spot. Infidelity while it hurts you can be a symptom of some other issue, I strongly suggest you get help for her if you are considering repairing the relationship.

5. No contact letters to the other men, and other women and anyone who faciliated the affairs.

6. No individual actitivities for awhile, I think GNO's are generally a bad idea, there may be some exceptions but it would be need to be with solid decent women who are friends of the marriage, and not to bars or dancing.

7. STD check for her prior to intimacy, with you recieving an undoctored copy.

8. You may want to gps and var her car for a while.

9. Don't beg and whine, give her your conditions for reconciliation, or prepare divorce papers.

10. You need to carry through with any consequence you set, or you will spend the rest of your marriage/relationship as a door mat to her failings.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry to hear you have been lied to do much, and are still bing lied too.

If she wanted to fix the marriage she would be hone begging you not to divorce her. Instead she's out sleeping around. I'm betting she slept with the girl and the guy as well. Maybe even s threesome?

She most likely started the physical affair back when you hit the rough spot, see you thought the rough spot caused the cheating, but more often than not the fought spot is caused by her choice to betray the marriage and cheat.

So look back to when the trouble started and you have the real start of her affair.

She's a serial cheater, back in 2010 and now.

Time to both exposé her affairs to friends and family and to divorce her. She's never been faithful or loyal to you, she's not a worthy catch.


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## ExisaWAW (Mar 5, 2013)

Turkey, I'm so sorry you're here. Your sitch breaks my heart. I really feel for you man. My xW betrayed me & our two little girls as well. 

How long have you been married?

I am a huge fan of reconciliation & forgiveness. Even to a fault. Unlike your sitch, my xW wanted a quick D (after 2 girls & 12 years of marriage) to take the big $$ & start her new hedonistic life and yet I still would have taken her back until very recently.

The fog I was in was as thick as it gets. But, finally, I got better. I began to see the betrayal & lies for what they were. The selfishness, lack of morals, values, & integrity of someone who would betray the very person they committed to honor, love & cherish until death do they part is unconscionable. 

When you're in the fog as the BS, you often will minimize the betrayal and want to put the genie back in the bottle (rug sweep), whatever it takes to hit the rewind button and go back to how it once was. A lot of times we men are "fixers", so we want to "do" something to make it all better. 

I now thank God that my xW didn't want to try counseling or stay together. She was nowhere near as remorseful as she needed to be for that to even be a consideration.

The way I see it, you've been given a gift, of sorts. You have no children. You found out while you still have a long life in front of you. Run, do not walk away from this woman. You don't know her anymore. She's no longer the woman your married. Leave her to suffer the consequences of her poor decisions.

Assuming you have been a faithful, loving husband, you deserved much better.

I will include you in my prayers when I pray with my girls tonight. You will emerge from this stronger than you ever thought. You will love again. You will find someone worthy of your love. You will get married again & God willing you will have children.

Please don't put yourself or any future children through a lifetime with a cheating, morally corrupt woman. Remember, you deserve better. I pray God gives you the strength to cast her away & to never look back. Good luck & Godspeed!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Turkey,

Do you think she is telling you the whole truth without any omission? You dont.

“I'm not being completely honest with you. And I still don’t think answering all of those questions will do anything but make things worse”

This answer of hers is not a good sign. Stop and Think.

Dont decide anything on R or D now. Wait. Wait.


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## Turkey (May 5, 2013)

I just looked at our phone records and there is a number that has hundreds of texts and it's not mine.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Turkey said:


> I just looked at our phone records and there is a number that has hundreds of texts and it's not mine.


Turkey .. you have no kids. That is your que to get out now while the getting is good. She is a damaged person. You won't "fix" her. Find a stable person and good luck.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Sorry you are here, and in a difficult period in your life, condolences to your sister for her terrible situation.

Regarding your wife, you know her more than us, I would suggest you take your GUT feeling (as you mentioned you think there are more skeletons) and trust that to be the truth. Now if you want to R with this person, you must start the D. Show her you are serious with this marriage, and get her to work on the marriage or divorce and go your seperate ways.

Do not let her paint you a picture of her unhappiness and let her roam freely at night. You do not want nor need a woman like this, nobody does. 

As you say, you have no idea where she is. This is a broken marriage that need to be sorted out. Get her to be responsible for her actions in this marriage or walk away.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Turkey said:


> I just looked at our phone records and there is a number that has hundreds of texts and it's not mine.


Call the number and introduce yourself.

By the way, your wife sounds really messed up. You've already wasted a lot of your life on her. It might be time to move on.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Turkey said:


> I just looked at our phone records and there is a number that has hundreds of texts and it's not mine.


Try looking the number up online, google, white/yellow pages, and spokeo.com. If its not a burner phone, spokeo.com may give you much morre info about his family too.

How recent has the texting been and does it coincide with the "rough spot?"


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I like how so many waywards use phrasing like "I'm confused about _us_." Or another, "I don't know where _we_ are in all of this."

Ummmm...in my experience, which isn't a nice one, if I had noticed the phrasing or recognized it for what it was, I would understand one thing: It ain't about US or WE. It's about YOU, the wayward, being broken and always trying to take the blame off of the real culprit - you.

Turkey, what is it that you want out of this? Now, you know your wife has cheated on you X number of times. X because you may never really know. What's your breaking point? Do you have a deal breaker? If so, what is it?

By the way, as someone who is working on reconciliation, I can promise you one thing...you will NEVER look at her the same way again. That part you have right. Your wife is gone. There's someone else there now and though she may look like the woman you married...it ain't.


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## ExisaWAW (Mar 5, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> ...I can promise you one thing...you will NEVER look at her the same way again. That part you have right. Your wife is gone. There's someone else there now and though she may look like the woman you married...it ain't.


So true! You may not know it now because you are in the early stages of the fog, but SomedayDig is spot-on! It's sad, it's maddening, the reasons/ causes for betrayal is a mystery to us all.

After reading thousands of posts & several books, the best I can tell is that it has something to do with a dysfunctional ego. How the ego gets to the point where it begins to overrule common sense, logic, love, etc. is another mystery. Each sitch is different, of course, and her rape probably didn't help her psychological state, but I agree with a previous poster that she may use that to get you to feel sorry for her & take her back. She will get so sneaky & tell you what you want to hear. You will want to believe her, but you mustn't. Old adage: Believe nothing of what you hear from her & half of what you see. So true!

You may not want to believe this, but she is truly gone. IMO, the only way this has a "snowball's chance..." of reconciliation is if she completely comes clean, allows permanent monitoring of all electronic communication, begs you for forgiveness, goes above & beyond, etc., etc. If she wants ANYTHING on her terms, you're done. I still think you ought to RUN (I know it's hard. I really do).


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## Turkey (May 5, 2013)

I'm still in the fog at the moment. I just feel numb all over. I called to asked her about the number last night at about 1:45 in the morning. (I could not sleep) She said it was her guy friend that I know but that she has absolutely never had sex with him. I texted the number before before I knew who it was. I asked him who he was and if he is having an affair with my wife. No reply to me but I'm sure he replied to her.

She got very upset with me about the text message, and said that she hopes I'm happy because now she has probably lost her best friend.

I don't know if her being away from the house now is the proper thing for us to be doing.

I just printed out some divorce instructions and a Petition For Simplified Dissolution Of Marriage. Just checking it out at the moment.

I don't know what my breaking point is. I may be past it now, I just don't know it yet.

I have almost 13 years of my life invested in this woman and I'm now almost 40.

I thank everyone for all the reply's and I am taking them all to 
heart.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

So she is upset that she might have lost her best friend, who is a guy ?
She should be worried about losing you!

Married women don't have guys for best friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

Turkey said:


> I'm still in the fog at the moment. I just feel numb all over. I called to asked her about the number last night at about 1:45 in the morning. (I could not sleep) She said it was her guy friend that I know but that she has absolutely never had sex with him. I texted the number before before I knew who it was. I asked him who he was and if he is having an affair with my wife. No reply to me but I'm sure he replied to her.
> 
> She got very upset with me about the text message, and said that she hopes I'm happy because now she has probably lost her best friend.
> 
> ...


A lot of us have been in a similar place as you, it will get better but it's going to require some effort on your part.

1. Eat and sleep, and consider going to the doctor. If your diet is crappy anyway go get a good multivitamin, some vitamin D, and B vitamins. Stress puts an immense strain on the body, and decent nutrition will help with that. You may very well be in a state of depression for a while, and anti-depressant may help with that- ask your doctor.

2. Your wife sounds like she is fogged up and not thinking clearly still, even for cheating spouses who are saying I love you the fog can hang around for a month or so - don't feed it with begging, whining, and compromising. 

3. Keep your requirements to her short, and concise - don't let her sidetrack you with tangents.

4. If you reconcile you can accept blame for the state of the marriage and work on what needs to be worked on, unless you said hey go experiment with some strange you have absolutely 0% responsibility for the infidelity, so don't accept any.

5. You will not reconcile while she is out of the home. If that's your goal she needs to move back in and cut all contact with people who are not friends of the marriage.

6. Opposite sex friends are not.


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## ExisaWAW (Mar 5, 2013)

carolinadreams said:


> A lot of us have been in a similar place as you, it will get better but it's going to require some effort on your part.
> 
> 1. Eat and sleep, and consider going to the doctor. If your diet is crappy anyway go get a good multivitamin, some vitamin D, and B vitamins. Stress puts an immense strain on the body, and decent nutrition will help with that. You may very well be in a state of depression for a while, and anti-depressant may help with that- ask your doctor.
> 
> ...


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

Turkey said:


> "I'm not being completely honest with you. And I still don’t think answering all of those questions will do anything but make things worse”



Although I agree with her that it will only make things worse, its not her call to make. If you want answers she damn well better give them to you unless she doesn't want to be with you any more.

She needs to tell you what you want to know. And when I said I agree with her that it will only make things worse, I'm talking about details, like what positions she had sex in, etc.

Not sure what details you want, but I think she owes you the very basic of details, like who she was with, when, where, etc.

And no sh*t she isn't being honest with you. Cheaters are liars by default. If she doesn't want to be honest and answer basic questions, you should show her the door. Hell, I'd show her the door anyway, especially with her lousy attitude.


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

Turkey said:


> I just looked at our phone records and there is a number that has hundreds of texts and it's not mine.


Dump this ditch pig. You don't need this on your mind, worrying about where she is and who she is with when you need to be there for your sister. Divorce her(go for an annulment if you can with no kids) and let her be some other poor sap's problem.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

She's worried about losing her male freind... Ask her if she's worried about losing you.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You do NOT have 13 years invested with her! Understand that. Really, I want you to understand that this is YOUR time on Earth. Some greater being invested a lot to give you a life on this planet. Your life is not dependent on her, it is dependent on you.

I have much more to say but I can't right now.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

you can make this marriage work..............only if you are ok with her sleeping with men and women. that said RUN FOREST RUN. 

right now you are getting the trickle truth wait a few weeks and you will find the # of men will go up.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

She hopes you're happy because YOU were trying to protect YOUR M? Please!! Is she always this passive-aggressive (PA) with you? If so, search the threads here as there is no shortage of PA spouses and the info. may help you, may not, but worth reading. 

It's also possible she is trying to condition you to not contact anybody that raises a red flag to you. It's rather apparent she does not want you to do what's best for YOUR M i.e. do what you need to do to discover her indiscretions. 

The best thing you can do for your M right now is work on yourself (eat right, get sleep, exercise) and demand transparency. I get that you feel that you need to know all the details given that you've "invested" in the M. The truth hurts, and if it will make you a stronger, better person for knowing the details, then get them. Maybe it will be your "breaking point" (which it sounds like you may need)?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What she really told you was exposure will hurt and maybe kill her affair.

That tells you that more exposure is the right path here.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Turkey said:


> I don't know what my breaking point is. I may be past it now, I just don't know it yet.
> 
> I have almost 13 years of my life invested in this woman and I'm now almost 40.


Believe me, won't get better, the trust is gone, insecurity has replaced it; there's nowhere to go from here but down.

Your wife has had two sexual partners (that we know of), both are more than likely ongoing (she's still doing the homosexual thing with the girlfriend, you can bet on it).

Your wife revealed a lot about her true disposition when she admonished you for texting her so-called male friend (by the way, her "male friend" is a gutless b*tch for not answering your text).

Sorry about your sister, but that's a separate issue, don't even discuss it with your wife, she'll think your using it to make her feel guilty.

Stay firm, take the high road, she won't respect any p*ssy footing from you... she'll do this again.

T


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think the title of this thread maybe wrong. I think wife is still cheating may be more on the money. Sorry, but she's very much acting like an active cheater.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Turkey said:


> OK here it goes. I found this site just like a lot of you probably have, looking for answers after I found out my wife has cheated on me. I'm looking for some sound advice and suggestions.
> 
> My wife and I have been going through a rough time for the last couple of months. She tells me that she is not happy at home. *She has stayed away for a week two different times with one of her female coworkers*. I also know one of the nights she has spent at a male friends house. *She swears that the male friend is just a friend *and he got mad at her for what she was doing to our marriage. She said he told her she was screwing up.
> 
> ...


What your wife said does not make any sense. One minute tells you she's not being honest with you, the next minute she asks you why you think she's not being honest. One minute she tells you the last time she cheated was in 2010, the next minute she tells you she just cheated last week. Then she's mad at you for contacting some guy she texts with 600 times a month - like it's not understandable you would expect cheating with this guy, given her behavior.

She keeps saying she's confused - sleeping with her best friend (male) and with a girlfriend probably have something to do with that.

For sure, your lack of sexual interest in her can't be helping - not a reason to cheat - but certainly not something that is strengthening the marriage.

Her texts and conversations with you don't seem logical - do you think the ADHD medicine is messing up her mind? Or has she always been this illogical? A lot of cheaters have fuzzy logic, but your wife is worse in that respect than most.

It would appear that she cheated on you either right before or right after you got married, or both. It also appears that you two are not sexual with each other. It also appears that her best friend is not you, it is another male (who she also claims not to be sexual with). The only current one she admits to is female.

So you are not her sex partner and you are not her best friend. You are her husband and you should be both.

Either of you separately could decide to divorce, but both of you together must decide to reconcile. You can't do it alone, if that's the path you go.

You can't believe a word she says at this point. Cheaters all lie, but most don't contradict themselves so much in such a short span. My guess would be that 600-message man is her affair partner and this has been going on for about 4-6 months. That would explain her "loving you with all her heart" but her also being "confused about us." It also would explain her sleeping over the guy's house and her desire to separate for those two different weeks. My guesss is that he doesn't want her as a steady girlfriend, she was good for sex, but she's too much work for him to take on full time. He was happier when she could only sneak off and see him occasionally. Now she is afraid you have scared him off, he doesn't need you coming after him and he doesn't need the drama, he just wanted a little with no strings.

I don't know what to make of her telling you she had sex with one of her girlfriends last week. That's definitely not part of the script.

Keep an open mind and try to tie the clues together as best you can. She's not being honest with you. You feel a commitment for having invested 15 years with her, but she doesn't even feel you deserve the truth about your own relationship. She's carried the secret about cheating on you for your entire marriage. She probably does not view your relationship in the same way that you do. Try to put yourself in her shoes and see it from her point of view. She's not as attached to you as you are to her.


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## Turkey (May 5, 2013)

I think you guys have hit the nail on the head. Tying clues together is really making me feel like i'm on some kind of drug. I need to take a brake before I break. This is going to get really ugly before it's over. 

Absence may make the heart grow fonder in a healthy relationship but in my case I think absence makes the heart go wander.

I don't know what i would have done if not for you guys help, not out of the woods yet.

On a side note. I'm going to dinner with her, her father and stepmother tomorrow. He wants to take us out for my birthday but said nothing about her birthday that's a week before mine. I really like her father and she gets jealous of our relationship. Just hope I can hold it together, I don't want to blow this thing up quite yet. (by blow this up i mean figuratively not literally F-B-I)

Thanks


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Turkey said:


> I think you guys have hit the nail on the head. Tying clues together is really making me feel like i'm on some kind of drug. I need to take a brake before I break. This is going to get really ugly before it's over.
> 
> Absence may make the heart grow fonder in a healthy relationship but in my case I think absence makes the heart go wander.
> 
> ...


No No No to dinner...blow this F-ing thing up. Stop pretending what happened did not happen. No contact with her until she changes her ways and EXPOSE her to the world.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

cj9947 said:


> No No No to dinner...blow this F-ing thing up. Stop pretending what happened did not happen. No contact with her until she changes her ways and EXPOSE her to the world.


Or just expose at dinner very matter of fact jmo.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> I like how so many waywards use phrasing like "I'm confused about _us_." Or another, "I don't know where _we_ are in all of this."
> 
> Ummmm...in my experience, which isn't a nice one, if I had noticed the phrasing or recognized it for what it was, I would understand one thing: It ain't about US or WE. It's about YOU, the wayward, being broken and always trying to take the blame off of the real culprit - you.
> 
> ...


SD - you break my heart. It is so true - the woman I once knew is gone. There is a stranger there and not for the first time during this supposed Recon have I wondered what she is harboring in that mind of hers - whoever she is.

I wish you the best of luck Turkey

Horizon


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