# 7yr old lashing out? Have I made her emotional wreck too? Feelin helples/failure



## mentallydrained

Forgive me for the premature post, but I know I'll be back with the facts.

Just got a call from daughters teacher that she needs to speak with both me and H about our daughter. Said it's something that's actually been on going and should have addressed earlier on but feels she definately needs to now.

Being that I'm a self talker and over analayzer, my first thought is she is lashing out or acting out. Why I feel this? Becuase she is an extremely emotionally connected child (like her momma). She has no concept of difference between someone helping her and someone scoulding her. Naturally, that is our faults as parents. The teacher did say back in our 1st 9week meeting that she gets to tears when she tries to help her. Even when we do homework, she cries if she does not get something correct very first time.

When drawing with dad, she cries if his looks better than hers and so on. She cries at everything that is not perfect/right the first time she does it. This is obvioulsy a learned behavior, correct? Something I (we) have failed at? She is 7 and should know the difference in us trying to help her learn verses scoulding her. I admit, I personally, have a tendency to have a 'bitter tone' with her that she perceives as me yelling. When I have to ask her twice to do something, my tone gets stern and she views that as yelling. She cries she never does anything right. 

I know H nor I have EVER said to her she never does anything right, but that isn't how she sees it. Anyone watch the movie Ramona and Beezus? That is my daughter. I think she feels like Romona all the way and maybe even worse. How did I let this happen? Why have I been so blind to it? H and I have had many differences in discipline with her from the start of age 2 in potty training. Yes, now he is doing all these DVD/video help things for patience etc. and it is adding layer upon layer to my brick wall of resentment. 

In getting this phone call, I feel like I am the entire problem now. First it was how H would handle things with her. The name calling to her and actions and yelling toward her. Now that he is working on that, I guess the fingers are turning around on me. When I told him I made appt to meet with teacher today, not tomorrow, as I will go crazy with thoughts of what is going on if wait until tomorrow his response was "want to listen to my tapes"? UGGGG! 

Starting to feel more and more now that the issues that do lie at hand are becoming more and more my fault. Me being unhappy, bored with my life, my no life rather, is now potentially, highly probable, the things affecting my daughter. Not what H has done in past...ME. Is my resentment of him trying to find patience etc. becuase I don't want him to be better? So I have reason to stay how I am? I know the hurtful truth to that and eveidently it's a yes, I guess. But then, I think, partly it bothers me as the things he is correcting/working on, are not the correction for me to find myself. For me to be happy. My focus now is my daughter as I sit here mind on overload, fearful of what I'm going to hear. I don't want a daughter known as the brat, disrespectful, or cry baby. And it now confirms what H said to me while back, that if I decided ending the marriage is what I need to be happy, to keep in mind it will affect our daughter in school etc. So it's a no win I feel. 

I'll be back with the actual specifics. I needed to post as I'm in overload right now trying to focus on the 50 million possiblities running through my head in thinking this is it...it's finally happening that all this over last year has come to head and hit rock bottom to our daughter. The one I failed to protect or expected I was already protecting by just continuing on doing what makes everyone happy. 

I feel helpless right now not knowing what to expect. Not knowing if what I may hear, may break my heart knowing it's due to us, her mom and dad. Or just her mom rather. Her mom needs to be happy enjoying life and not hating each day she wakes up or each weekend that approaches due to the change in H with church and all. In reading this I sound very selfish and heartless. Please understand I am not. I'm just typing as the feelings run through me. Mind racing. If anything, I have too tender of a heart. Or so I'm told. Maybe that too is fake. No clue. So lost. Okay, I'll end my rant...so sorry TAM.


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## F-102

You can tell kids to do as you say till you lose your voice, and they won't listen. But they WILL do as you do!
Your kid probably sees you beat the hell out of yourself over things, and she sees this as an example about how to deal with things. Just the title of the post seems to say so.

Monkey see, monkey do!


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## 4sure

She sounds like a perfectionist. If things aren't perfect then she gets upset.


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## mentallydrained

Most hurful moment I have endured so far as a mom. She has upset her two little friends so much, the parents have come to the teacher as they cry and don't want to cometo school. I've cried enough for all of them tonight.

Yes, monkey see monkey do. She has told one little girl she is too skinny. Lashing out of me saying how I need to exercise and lose weight I guess. If the two want to play together and not include her, she says mean things. She has told one she won't be their friend if they don't do what she wants or play how she wants. Yes, a perfectionist. 

She cannot stand that she may not know someting in class as like these two little friends. Yet, she wants to be just like them. She wanted me to get her glasses like the one and she begged to get on the softball teamof the other. When I heard the skinny comment, all I could do is cry infront of her teacher. 

She said she knows she does not mean to say hurtful things. The teacher has had her for two years now. She said the things she says' are total opposit of her actions. She would say someting is boring in class but be the first to want to do it and get it done. She at one time told the teacher she couldn't teach, trying to play it off likea joke, but be the first to want to be her helper or hold her hand down the hallway. 

I can't stop crying over this. I feel horrible for all. For them being hurt and for my daughter who feels she has to be this way to have two little friends she adores. I told her a persons weight should not be teased about. I told her she doesn't want to grow up being known as the mean girl with no friends. I didn't grow up being the mean girl, but I did grow up with no friends and now, age 41, I regret some of my years.

She loves these two little girls. She constantly wants them over to play, or stay the night. When ever they join somethings, she wants to. But sounds like she also very jealous of them as well. She is extremely competitive. Teacher said she works hard to be in the top of reading, spelling, and math to keep up wtih the two girls. I'm so sad. Sad the parents, whom I've seen and talk to both very recently, couldn't say anything to me personally. Teacher said she does this all at recess. Never where she can 'get caught'. 

We agreed to have the school counselor work with her. Teacher has noticed a change in her this year. I personally feel she is being this way 1) we have had several bouts of H name calling her there for a while and teasing her till she would cry. His resolution was starting a church and buying this program he seen on TV about Anxiety and Depression. Said it talks alot about self esteem which he bought to try and learn more about me and my issue of self esteem. Which answers her skinny comment to the one little girl. I can't possibly feel any emptier, lost, sadden, then I do tonight.

I want to call the two moms, tell them I'm very sorry. But right now, I can't keep it together. They will think I"m a nut job. Our daughter cried when confronted by us and the teacher. She tried to deny at first,but then admitted she did say hurtful things. She supposedly is to tell them sorry tomorrow. I know sometimes kids just act this way. But the teacher also made comment about her being only child. So, again, H I'm sure is saying all the more to force her to church. His answer to all is church now. DD will go, but refuses to go in kids church. She doesn't know anyone and I don't feel she should be forced. I feel by her at least sitting with us is a start. I don't know anymore. 

Guess I need to do some deep soul searching....very deep.


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## turnera

You cry, she cries...are you getting counseling for both of you?


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## mentallydrained

turnera said:


> You cry, she cries...are you getting counseling for both of you?


Guess only thing can do. She is via school counselor. They feel she is struggling with jealousy. That since only child and has never had to compete for attention in home. I personally, think underlying may be that her mom and dad aren't like they use to be. My mom said it all....she is a child with a childs heart but an adults mind. I feel like such a horrible person for letting this happen. Yes tunera, I am going to seek counseling.


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## turnera

Is she spoiled?


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## TNgirl232

Counseling is a must. My daughter has some of the same issues, but not as extreme. They got worse when she hit teenage hormones. We started counseling a couple of months ago. No offense to school counselors, I'm sure there are some good ones, but all the one's I've known weren't really counselors in the same sense as a professional one is. I would consider getting her one that specializes in children and families - that way you can have group sessions. Also, research them on how they feel about giving drugs to children. We don't want our child on drugs unless it is the absolute last resort and we all feel it is necessary, so we picked one that does not prescribe them.


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## mentallydrained

turnera said:


> Is she spoiled?


I honestly don't think we as parents do. But yes, her grandma does tremendously. She is the only grandchild (young) and local to her. Her other grandchild(son) is now 17 lives in another state.

What is very bothersome, she wants to BE like these two little girls. She has had play dates, even over night with one. Her teacher even said her words are so opposite of her actions. She is very emotionally connected and that is my trait. I will go to great lengths (sadly) to make someone happy just to not be mad at me or to make sure everyone likes me. Growing up though, I didn't interact with girls. I grew up around older brother's friends and always always was serious with a boy.

I know miss and regret not makeing those friendships and DO NOT want her doing the same. I don't want her to feel she needs a male companion, like I do, to be important or 'exsist'. No, I don't have this kind of conversation with her. I have told her she doesn't want to grow up being known as the mean girl, or grow up with no good girl friends to share things with, laugh with, play with, etc. 

Again, her mentallity is much much older than her age and that is due to our environment. And part of that is an issue I'm having as I miss being around people close to my age and having fun. H is older, content and has no desire but to be at home or soley with just the 3 of us doing what ever. Yes, he wants her involved with things outside of school. But, I know she see's I'm not the happy go lucky, funny, joking mommy I was 2 years ago. So, unfortuantely, I'm taking full blame. H admits some of his ways toward her have not helped. But, he already says he's a changed man due to church and christian things he's been reading, etc. Another long story thread on that. I have my beliefs and I just do not have the same desire into Christianity as he does all of a sudden. 

He feels it's time to force her into church more. I feel forcing her will add more lashing out and resentment. Again, she goes when we go as family and sits with us. But, as I told him, how can I force her, when I myself do not like to go all the time. Kinda makes me the hypocrit I so speak of from past dealings in going to church. 

I guess being an only child, she is spoiled. Not spoiled in way of monitary or getting purchases when ever she wants but spoiled with attention at home and with family. She's the only one.


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## mentallydrained

TNgirl232 said:


> Counseling is a must. My daughter has some of the same issues, but not as extreme. They got worse when she hit teenage hormones. We started counseling a couple of months ago. No offense to school counselors, I'm sure there are some good ones, but all the one's I've known weren't really counselors in the same sense as a professional one is. I would consider getting her one that specializes in children and families - that way you can have group sessions. Also, research them on how they feel about giving drugs to children. We don't want our child on drugs unless it is the absolute last resort and we all feel it is necessary, so we picked one that does not prescribe them.


I won't allow her to be on meds. It's not that kind of attitude problem. When I first started posting here, discussing things and difference of how H and I treat her and stuff, many made comments then I needed to get her counseling. I guess I was trying to make myself believe it wasn't that bad or that it would pass. Stupid me.


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## turnera

emotionalwreck said:


> I honestly don't think we as parents do. But yes, her grandma does tremendously. She is the only grandchild (young) and local to her. Her other grandchild(son) is now 17 lives in another state.


Does she have opportunities to be 'giving' to other people? Do you have her go do charity events with you or volunteer? My only child had so many toys that, every 6 months, I'd have her go through her toys and pick ones to give away to less fortunate kids. Things like that, to help her get into the mindset of other people and not be so ego-centric, as only children tend to do.



> She is very emotionally connected and that is my trait. I will go to great lengths (sadly) to make someone happy just to not be mad at me or to make sure everyone likes me.


Do some reading about Givers and Takers. If she's becoming a Giver like you, it will lead to a big lack of self-esteem.



> He feels it's time to force her into church more. I feel forcing her will add more lashing out and resentment. Again, she goes when we go as family and sits with us. But, as I told him, how can I force her, when I myself do not like to go all the time. Kinda makes me the hypocrit I so speak of from past dealings in going to church.


I'm Agnostic but go to Lutheran church, which is my husband's church. When DD20 was born, we started going regularly. I'm fine that she now chooses not to go, but I thought it was important to take her on a fairly regular basis as a child just so she'd have the background to make a valid decision. My parents never took me and I regretted it. 

I question your term of 'forcing' her to go. Do you give her the option of choosing to go or not? I think that's a big mistake; it's not a 7 year old's place to tell her parents what she wants or doesn't want. If you regularly allow that, you are setting her up for a lot of misery.


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## Mom6547

I am going to say something rather harsh. I hope you understand that I am not trying to hurt your feelings but to help. 

Woman up and be a parent.

Your other posts indicate your husband is uber competitive and puts her down by putting himself up.

You bawl. Bawling is not child rearing.

You, your husband and your daughter need family counseling. You and your husband likely also should *strongly* consider counseling for acquisition of solid parenting skills. Many people think of parenting as a seat-of-the-pants kind of thing. If you love your kids enough, everything will be ok. I could not disagree with this more. The more you know, the more skill you have, the better you will be.

I am curious as a side note why you think she has a more mature mentality. It does not seem that way.


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## mentallydrained

> Your other posts indicate your husband is uber competitive and puts her down by putting himself up.
> 
> You bawl. Bawling is not child rearing.


No hurt feelings and thank you. Yes, I 'compensate' for his actions or skills I guess which I is wrong. And, now with what has happend, I feel it's a slap in reality.



> I am curious as a side note why you think she has a more mature mentality. It does not seem that way.


I say this because her thoughts, things she says or does, are more of an adult manner/ mentality. The group of social people we use to run around with are all my H's age span with all kids who are married. No younger kids. One couple has a daughter teenager, and a 1 year old. So other than daycare/school, she has been around adults mostly.


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## SaffronPower

okay I don't like labels but I know some people have found the information on Highly Sensitive children/people helpful

check it out: 
The Highly Sensitive Child

The Highly Sensitive Child: Parenting Strategies - FamilyEducation.com


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## Mom6547

emotionalwreck said:


> No hurt feelings and thank you. Yes, I 'compensate' for his actions or skills


No what he is doing is the opposite of skill, in my opinion. At least insofar as his competitiveness is concerned. I cannot remember the other issues that tickle my memory and make me think she is really All About Him but that is the impression that I carry forward.


Good luck to you. I have strong confidence that you will nail this one in short order!


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## mentallydrained

Mom6547 said:


> No what he is doing is the opposite of skill, in my opinion. At least insofar as his competitiveness is concerned. I cannot remember the other issues that tickle my memory and make me think she is really All About Him but that is the impression that I carry forward.
> 
> 
> Good luck to you. I have strong confidence that you will nail this one in short order!


Yes, she is all about him in way of wanting to be perfect and competitive. Yet, she displays how she hates or is extremely hurt by his words and actions. :scratchhead: Maybe that's a sign I'm obviously too soft.

Thank you for your time. Yes, I too hope I nail this quickly.


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## Mom6547

emotionalwreck said:


> Yes, she is all about him in way of wanting to be perfect and competitive.


I said that poorly. It seems to me that HE is all about HIM even where she is concerned.

Keep us posted on your progress. We want to hear your success stories that I anticipate you will be having soon!


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## turnera

When parents are too critical, children develop severe self esteem issues. Practice standing up for her when he criticizes.


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## Mom6547

turnera said:


> When parents are too critical, children develop severe self esteem issues. Practice standing up for her when he criticizes.


I heard a good thing once, a revision on praise. Descriptive appreciation. Observe the valuable thing. (I see you tried really hard!) Name it if not obvious. (Effort is what really counts. That kind of trying will get you far!) Appreciate the valuable thing. (It makes me proud to see such effort. Does it make you feel proud of yourself?)


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## turnera

That's a great idea! I still find ways to tell my DD20 that I'm proud of things she does. I know how important it is.


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## mentallydrained

Thank you tunera and Mom6547.



> Practice standing up for her when he criticizes.


Acutally I do this all the time. Over past year or two, I felt more like a mediator then a mom. He has been a lot more patient lately and the name calling (calling her crybaby) has ceased over last month or two. At first, he would get upset and take it like I'm underminding him. I told him at one point, when it was *really* bad....that he was ruining her emotionally.

For the first time last night, I feel like I'm the 'outcast' of a parent to her. What I mean is, we agreed last night that we need to start setting some consequences. We thought we have been, but they were more verbal per say. Well, she was 1 of 3 picked in art class to have her painting on display for the week at this local educational place. Last night was the night for all the 'artist' to come. We planned on going and she was very excited. During dinner we got to talking to her again about the mean things she had said to her little friends and asking if she apologized etc. She started getting very defensive in her words and tone. H was asking her questions and she was being rude actually in her responses or lack there of. He told her due to lack of respect and rudness, we would not be going to the show. She cried no other. Went to her room and kept crying, loud, drama cry. Then started yelling "I want to go". We let her go and ignored her for about 15 minutes. H finally went up, and was very calm which shocked me to be honest. The whole 15 mintues I'm working myself up thinking he's going to get upset and go up and yell and threaten again. But he didnt. He sat in her room looking at her til' she calmed down. Then told her why we weren't going due to disrespect of her tone and attitude. Told her if she can improve the attitude, we can try and go another night. Well every night he mentioned she replied with "I don't want to go then, I want to go tonight". In the end it was left if attitude changes, we will go the last day of show which is Saturday. He then tells her to give him a hug as he wants her to know even though these moments happen he loves. So he leaves room she stays up there. 

She later comes down and I'm in office on computer. I say "hey girly whatchaya doing?" She throughs me a snotty look like I'm not talking to you. I go to living room where she is at and she covers her face with blanket. I ask why she is ignoring me or making me feel like she is mad at me and she just grunts like 'get away'. So I walk away. In my mind I'm thinking...WOW, what did I do or say that she is 'dising' me? All these years I have defended her, have stood in front of her when H would get so mad it was to point I was scared he would physically punish her, and now *I* am the one she is disrespecting? Am I jealous over how H handled this nicely for first time? Have I been making her this way all this time thinking I was the good mom doing the right thing?

She gets up and goes downstairs where he is at like nothing ever happend. Later, before bedtime she then acts like all is okay and is back to loving on me wanting me to cuddly and read. :scratchhead: First ever this has 'backfired' on me or seemed to. 

I've been refered to counselor by an atty who is a child advocate with divorces. Thinking of calling but now, feel set back as if I am the complete issue here. And yes, H was always about H. Still is sometimes. But...yet....I feel now I'm the complete wronged one since he for first time handled the situation calmly. My god am I confused more than ever. Hate to say it, but glad I only have 1 child. Feeling I suck at this right now. Geesh!


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## Mom6547

turnera said:


> That's a great idea! I still find ways to tell my DD20 that I'm proud of things she does. I know how important it is.


The way the author in question described it was pretty cool. She identified some potential issues with straight up praise. Let's say Jill just made a picture. It was supposed to be of a horse, but it winds up looking like a dog. I say Jill, nice picture! Jill looks at me like I have two heads. What is nice about it? Maybe I have lost a small amount of credibility. Maybe she even thinks I am dishonest.

Jill, the yellow sun and the green grass make me think of a beautiful spring day. I can imagine myself at a lovely picnic in that sun. Thank you for making me smile. 

So what if the horse looks like a dog. My spring day made her smile!

That was not my example.


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## mentallydrained

Just thinking....could it be since I've always 'mediated' the harshness of H in how he treated her that she was upset I didn't do that last night? I didn't need to as he was very calm. Only time I would is when he would yell, I mean yell and get so angry he appeared he was going to grab her and hurt her. There were times he would chase her around house with camera when she get upset and cry calling her crybaby and telling her he was going to take picutre of her to show all her friends. Those kinds of moments is when I would step in and say something with what I felt was protecting or standing up for her. Hmmmm.....


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## mentallydrained

Mom6547 said:


> The way the author in question described it was pretty cool. She identified some potential issues with straight up praise. Let's say Jill just made a picture. It was supposed to be of a horse, but it winds up looking like a dog. I say Jill, nice picture! Jill looks at me like I have two heads. What is nice about it? Maybe I have lost a small amount of credibility. Maybe she even thinks I am dishonest.
> 
> Jill, the yellow sun and the green grass make me think of a beautiful spring day. I can imagine myself at a lovely picnic in that sun. Thank you for making me smile.
> 
> So what if the horse looks like a dog. My spring day made her smile!
> 
> That was not my example.


Definatley going to use these tactics!


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## turnera

emotionalwreck said:


> She throughs me a snotty look like I'm not talking to you. I go to living room where she is at and she covers her face with blanket. *I ask why she is ignoring me* or *making me feel like she is mad at me* and she just grunts like 'get away'. So I walk away. In my mind I'm thinking...WOW, what did I do or say that she is 'dising' me?


Ok, this is a big issue for me. You are her MOTHER. NOT her friend. You have no business asking HER why she's ignoring YOU. You especially shouldn't say anything about how SHE makes YOU feel bad. That's inappropriate language to have with a 7 year old. You are parentifying her - putting HER in control of YOU.

Most likely, that is why she's so high strung. Ask your therapist about this.

Finally, if she 'grunts' at you, she needs to be punished. She should have been sent back up to her room, WITHOUT a TV or video game or anything but books. 

She rules your household and you two don't even see it.


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## turnera

Grrr...duplicate post.


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## Mom6547

turnera said:


> Ok, this is a big issue for me. You are her MOTHER. NOT her friend. You have no business asking HER why she's ignoring YOU. You especially shouldn't say anything about how SHE makes YOU feel bad. That's inappropriate language to have with a 7 year old. You are parentifying her - putting HER in control of YOU.


:iagree:

Oh wait. Lemme see....

:iagree:

Tee hee. 




> Most likely, that is why she's so high strung. Ask your therapist about this.
> 
> Finally, if she 'grunts' at you, she needs to be punished.


She needs to feel the consequences of her actions. 

Amazon.com: Discipline for Life : Getting it Right with Children (9781887069069): Madelyn Swift: Books

Revision on punishment much like the praise revision. I think every parent should be required to read this book.



> She should have been sent back up to her room, WITHOUT a TV or video game or anything but books.


Don't know I agree with this specific consequence. But doling out consequences needs to come from a comprehensive re-engineering of the discipline techniques of the household. I would not start whipping out consequences without said re-engineering process since they would likely be inconsistent and ineffective.



> She rules your household and you two don't even see it.


Seems to me too. That is why I think parenting coaching would be a really good idea.

One thing to mention though... there is a great deal of limit setting that needs to be added to this family. I completely agree with tunera on that point. BUT it can be tempting to miss the other end of the equation. One can swing the pendulum too far from permissive and get heavy into punitive land. In punitive land, it is all stick and no carrot. Barriers to cooperation are easy to throw up in punitive land. Punitive land is where rebellion lives. 

In the middle of where the pendulum lies at rest is positive discipline. In positive discipline land, limits are set and enforced with respect and dignity *and effectiveness*. But parents use skill to encourage cooperation, self responsibility and the like.


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## Mom6547

emotionalwreck said:


> Definatley going to use these tactics!


PLEASE read the book! Pretty please with katsup on top. Want me to mail you a copy?


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## turnera

> In the middle of where the pendulum lies at rest is positive discipline. In positive discipline land, limits are set and enforced with respect and dignity *and effectiveness*. But parents use skill to encourage cooperation, self responsibility and the like.


Oh, I agree. I don't mean to sound like a dictator. Just that you need to treat disrespectful behavior properly. She needs to learn that she WILL have to respect other people; or suffer consequences. You can't MAKE her respect people, it's her brain, but you can show her along the way that respectful treatment gets you more than not. I said about the tv etc. because I'll assume that she already has a tv and all the games in her room, being an only child. Having those removed will leave her all alone with herself, and allow her the time and opportunity to do some thinking about why she ended up that way.


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## Mom6547

turnera said:


> Oh, I agree. I don't mean to sound like a dictator. Just that you need to treat disrespectful behavior properly. She needs to learn that she WILL have to respect other people; or suffer consequences. You can't MAKE her respect people, it's her brain, but you can show her along the way that respectful treatment gets you more than not. I said about the tv etc. because I'll assume that she already has a tv and all the games in her room, being an only child. Having those removed will leave her all alone with herself, and allow her the time and opportunity to do some thinking about why she ended up that way.


I guess for me the failure in the interaction was that Mom reacted to her at all. The real natural consequence of being a jerk is people don't want to be around you. I would have let the snotty look slide (for now) and let her pout and sulk under the blanket to her hearts content. When no one came to see What's WROOOONNNNGG DEEEAR and she gets up to snot further, you do not have the right to speak to me in that way. I do not wish to speak to you until you can speak to me with respect. Remove yourself to your room. 

The problem with removal of random electronics that are unrelated to the offense is that it
- distracts the offender from the offense and places THEIR focus on what a mean, nasty Mom they have.
- engenders rebellion
- inflates the conflict balloon instead of deflating it.

Just my thought.


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## mentallydrained

turnera said:


> Oh, I agree. I don't mean to sound like a dictator. Just that you need to treat disrespectful behavior properly. She needs to learn that she WILL have to respect other people; or suffer consequences. You can't MAKE her respect people, it's her brain, but you can show her along the way that respectful treatment gets you more than not. I said about the tv etc. because I'll assume that she already has a tv and all the games in her room, being an only child. Having those removed will leave her all alone with herself, and allow her the time and opportunity to do some thinking about why she ended up that way.


Actually, she does not have anything but games and toys in room. Becuase of past issues in how H would handle things on the more physical/mental abuse line, I've become laxadaisy obviously and now allowed her to control me. I see that now. Back to the drawing board...


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## Mom6547

emotionalwreck said:


> Actually, she does not have anything but games and toys in room. Becuase of past issues in how H would handle things on the more physical/mental abuse line, I've become laxadaisy obviously and now allowed her to control me. I see that now. Back to the drawing board...


You need help on your drawing, ew. I don't know what resources you have access to. But if you can get some kind of family counselor for you and your husband, that would be huge. 

Oh... and...

Amazon.com: Discipline for Life : Getting it Right with Children (9781887069069): Madelyn Swift: Books

Amazon.com: Setting Limits: How to Raise Responsible, Independent Children by Providing Clear Boundaries (Revised and Expanded Second Edition) (0086874512122): Robert J. Mackenzie: Books

Amazon.com: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (9780380811960): Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish: Books




Now I am being a tad silly.


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## mentallydrained

Mom6547 said:


> I would have let the snotty look slide (for now) and let her pout and sulk under the blanket to her hearts content. When no one came to see What's WROOOONNNNGG DEEEAR and she gets up to snot further, you do not have the right to speak to me in that way. I do not wish to speak to you until you can speak to me with respect. Remove yourself to your room.
> 
> The problem with removal of random electronics that are unrelated to the offense is that it
> - distracts the offender from the offense and places THEIR focus on what a mean, nasty Mom they have.
> - engenders rebellion
> - inflates the conflict balloon instead of deflating it.
> 
> Just my thought.


See...my thought process is I believe the same. I figure she does it for more attention. So yes, that is why I walk away and let her pout and have her drama moment alone. And that is what happend (I think), she then I feel realized I wasn't going to sit and 'beg' her to talk to me or what ever and she finally got up went downstairs (to dad) and started playing. However, I didn't address the issue so maybe I should have when she did want me to sit and cuddle/read to her reinerated I didn't appreciate the tone with me and that I was owed an apology? 

When it comes to crying/pouting/ etc....I either tell her to take it someone where else away from me so I don't have to see it or I walk away from it. I make one attempt in 1) telling her I do not deserve to be talked to or treated the way she is and then 2) ask why she feels it's okay to do so. After that, I give no futher attention to it. 

I will get the book, thank you.


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## Mom6547

emotionalwreck said:


> See...my thought process is I believe the same. I figure she does it for more attention. So yes, that is why I walk away and let her pout and have her drama moment alone. And that is what happend (I think), she then I feel realized I wasn't going to sit and 'beg' her to talk to me or what ever and she finally got up went downstairs (to dad) and started playing. However, I didn't address the issue so maybe I should have when she did want me to sit and cuddle/read to her reinerated I didn't appreciate the tone with me and that I was owed an apology?
> 
> When it comes to crying/pouting/ etc....I either tell her to take it someone where else away from me so I don't have to see it or I walk away from it. I make one attempt in 1) telling her I do not deserve to be talked to or treated the way she is and


The phrase that my fav author used is "you don't have the right" You don't have the right to speak to me that way. It resonates with me. Not sure how you feel about it.

You don't have the right. WHEN you are ready to speak to me with respect, THEN I will be hear to listen.

Walk out.



> then 2) ask why she feels it's okay to do so.


She feels it is ok because you have, up this point, demonstrated it was ok. Her reasons for thinking it is ok are irrelevant. It isn't. And that message is what needs to be driven home.


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## turnera

Mom6547 said:


> I guess for me the failure in the interaction was that Mom reacted to her at all. The real natural consequence of being a jerk is people don't want to be around you. I would have let the snotty look slide (for now) and let her pout and sulk under the blanket to her hearts content. When no one came to see What's WROOOONNNNGG DEEEAR and she gets up to snot further, you do not have the right to speak to me in that way. I do not wish to speak to you until you can speak to me with respect. Remove yourself to your room.
> 
> The problem with removal of random electronics that are unrelated to the offense is that it
> - distracts the offender from the offense and places THEIR focus on what a mean, nasty Mom they have.
> - engenders rebellion
> - inflates the conflict balloon instead of deflating it.
> 
> Just my thought.


 Excellent post!


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## turnera

emotionalwreck said:


> I make one attempt in 1) telling her *I do not deserve* to be talked to or treated the way she is and then 2) ask *why she feels it's okay to do so*. After that, I give no futher attention to it.
> 
> I will get the book, thank you.


Now, see, here, I think it's in the delivery. She has no business hearing what you do and don't deserve. That puts you down at her level - like two sisters bickering. You're the adult. End of story. Stop inviting her into your thought processes. Get her to start thinking you as the powerful mom again, not the needy sister who's getting upset.

And while it's good to know what she's thinking, don't ask her WHY she feels it's ok. At 7, she needs to be TOLD it's not ok; it's still your job to tell her what appropriate behavior is. If she doesn't like it, tough. 

Right now, your biggest issue is she doesn't respect you. Stop communicating with her until you can get that under control. Remain ominous, mysterious, let her worry about whether you're happy or not. Give yourself back the power.


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## Mom6547

turnera said:


> Now, see, here, I think it's in the delivery. She has no business hearing what you do and don't deserve. That puts you down at her level - like two sisters bickering. You're the adult. End of story.


Maybe that is why "You don't have the right" resonates with me. Not quite sure. But I agree with you.




> And while it's good to know what she's thinking, don't ask her WHY she feels it's ok. At 7, she needs to be TOLD it's not ok; it's still your job to tell her what appropriate behavior is. If she doesn't like it, tough.


I could click the emoticon again... ok here goes... :iagree:


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