# To Tell or Not to Tell



## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

I discovered my H's affair with an office partner in Jan. 2011, after suspecting for several months. Although the relationship was very intense emotionally, he claims they never had sex because SHE was committed to working on HER marriage. I've met her husband several times, and he has no clue about the affair, but has mentioned that things in their relationship have been very strained.
My H begged me not to tell him, said it would just cause more harm and pain. Frankly, I didn't want to go out and ruin anyone else's life, or put another person through the pain I was going through. I figured it was the one card I had to play. I told both of them: "End it or I will expose you."
I don't know their current status, except that my H has refused to give up their "friendship." My H and I are now in a Controlled Separation, and have committed to MC for 6 months. I don't spy or check emails or phone records anymore. I figure that if we are separated, I have no right. Plus, it makes me physically ill.
Should I tell the OW's husband that my H and I are separated? Should I tell the OW's husband about the affair?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

yes yes yes, it's not about your right now, he has a right to know. It is about his life as well.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Tell the truth! I sure wish someone had told me.

Set him free.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your kidding right? You would really let this go on? You want this sh*t to be done to someone else. 

The poor guy...in the future when yours is long gone and this guys wife is with someone else b/c you won't warn him. This b*tch could do this to this poor guy for years and you wont warn him?

That and the fact your words mean nothing to your H... You told your H if he didn't stop you would expose and you didn't

Would you want to know? Your H is your H and how you deal with him is best for you, but you have not keep your word with your H and you are letting the OWM be used. You may as well push him in traffic.

How can you let some one betray someone b/c you don't want to hurt him? This OW will use this guy up and you will not take action?
That is wrong on at least two levels.

This man diserves to know his wifes a cheater and my quess this won't be the 1st time and it won't be the last time she cheats on him, but you will let it continue...won't you?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm still pissed.

I hope the next time I'm doing someting wrong...your the one that sees me, at least I know you wont snitch me out.


I know this crap hurts I've been down the same road so please fogive me for getting upset...this hit close to home.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I hate to say spy, tell the OM's husband, he has a right girl!!! My husbands last ea, I tried to find him, but I found out by her ex H that he doesn't even have contact info, I still may out that *****, once I can find him, I have done all sorts of internet research, I just am never in a position where I can out her where there aren't children around, and I won't do that, for the reason that they are either my kids/daycare kids, that'd be messed up on my part.

not gonna lie, I told the counseler I am not one prone to violence, but if the last ea was right in front of me, she lives close to us, I would be inclined to beat the living **** out of her, I said that to our IC/MC LOL!!!!


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sdesruiss (Mar 16, 2011)

I am also still in debates about telling the OM's wife. I hate to be the one to tell her and tear her apart. After my W begged me not to tell her and we are still in MC, I feel that our chances of reconciling things would be over if I told the OM's wife about their PA.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes. Tell him asap. The fact that ur hub won't give up the 'relationship' with her is a major red flag. the affair is still happening and MC is pointless if he will not drop her. He is stringing u along in the interim til he makes up his mind. Guy is right...u told him u would expose it and u didn't which just worked in his favor of. Having his cake and eating it too. Tell the husband TODAY!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

These cheaters need a consequencse and by not exposing it I couldn't see a R with Mrs.the guy.

When this crap (infedelity)fell in my lap it was only going to work out on my terms.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

This is SO painful for me, but I know you are all right. Even if the "affair" is over, he is trying to keep both doors open while he figures out what he wants. I need to face it, we live in a small town, and her H and I are probably the last to know. 
It's the kids that make it hard for me. They have two and we have two, all young. So many lives messed up:-(


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You are enabling the affair by letting them keep their dirty little secret, the affair is still ongoing simply because it is still hidden and the truth distorted. Your marriage will never ever recover on your husband and the OW's terms. You do not have a marriage today and I assure you your husband will gaslight you and lie as to why you are separated. Do what is right contact the husband and tell him everything next contact your husband's HR director and let them know your husband and the OW are conducting an affair using company time and resources, spread the good news of their friendship ,let his parents and siblings know and their coworkers. Do not blink or challenge this it is a proven method of helping break an affair and give you more chance of saving your marriage than sitting back and hoping. Your husband is manipulating you and your fear of losing your marriage is paralysing you, guess what you have already lost your marriage , now you have to roll up your sleeves and fight to regain it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Your husband is manipulating you and your fear of losing your marriage is paralysing you, guess what you have already lost your marriage , now you have to roll up your sleeves and fight to regain it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


FRICK! This is so embarrassing! I've let it go on so long and so far, I almost feel like I've missed the window of opportunity. WHAT do I say when my info if months old, and there is no serious evidence of sex????


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

sdesruiss said:


> I am also still in debates about telling the OM's wife. I hate to be the one to tell her and tear her apart. After my W begged me not to tell her and we are still in MC, I feel that our chances of reconciling things would be over if I told the OM's wife about their PA.


That's where I've been. We don't want to rock our sinking boats!!!


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

paramore said:


> not gonna lie, I told the counseler I am not one prone to violence, but if the last ea was right in front of me, she lives close to us, I would be inclined to beat the living **** out of her, I said that to our IC/MC LOL!!!!


Trust me, I feel you! I haven't run into her since I discovered the truth, but I warned her to turn and run if she sees me!


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Another aside, the OW was hospitalized for 2 weeks shortly following my discovery, and my H and beginning MC, for some sort of colon related illness brought on by stress! The timing was really unbelievable. How can you fake something like that???? But I'm SO NICE, and didn't want to kill her, so I didn't say anything.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Regardless of how unwell she is tell her husband, friends, coworkers etc. She never thought once about you and your children when she was committing adultory so do not concern yourself about her health. When you do tell people your husband may be angry, your marriage can survive his anger it cannot survive his affair. If he starts venting on you or imply he was coming back but now he won't do not believe him this is standard affair speak . Babble back , something like " yes , your right how come everyone knows about you playing slap and not me, it's terrible that people express their sadess at how you have committed adultry" or something similar , do not let him make out it is your fault in any way. 

Best of luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

the guy said:


> I'm still pissed.
> 
> I hope the next time I'm doing someting wrong...your the one that sees me, at least I know you wont snitch me out.
> 
> ...


Sorry to bring up this pain in you. You are right. I'm walking on eggshells hoping he will come around. They may be finished, and maybe he's moved on to someone new.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

That totaly sucks , if any one should be walking on eggshells it should be H...worring about you kicking him to the curb for all the BS.

As far as my pain goes..no worries, thats what this site is all about, the ability to bounce off some perspective off each others experiences and taking from it as we wish, nothing more and nothing less.

its all about sharing


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I would tell him. He does have the right to know. And if it destroys her marriage, then i guess she should have kept her legs closed!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

The main reason the cheater wants you not to expose to the other cheated on spouse is so they can continue the cheating.

The default approach should be to expose.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

It will be hard to do, but you should tell the truth. You are not the bad guy. You are not the one who destroyed a marriage. They are. Do not feel bad if you are blamed though. They don't really mean it, that's just normal human reaction to such intense news.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> You are enabling the affair by letting them keep their dirty little secret, the affair is still ongoing simply because it is still hidden and the truth distorted.


This.



BIP said:


> But I'm SO NICE, and didn't want to kill her, so I didn't say anything.


She is having an affair with nyour husband. There is no need to treat he with kid gloves. Every action has a consequence.



Atholk said:


> *The main reason the cheater wants you not to expose to the other cheated on spouse is so they can continue the cheating*.


Over and over again...this is spot on.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

For the last 2 weeks, I have been REALLY trying to implement the 180. I find it empowering! I am conflicted, however, with advice I have received about exposing my H and his OW to her husband, and how that works with the 180. But all the advice I get says to expose them! Won't this contradict the 180's advice?? Make me appear controlling, needy . . .


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

yes, the truth ALWAYS WINS OUT in this debate, sex or not IT MATTERS NOT!! heck, anybody can have sex its the HEART that truly matters! send the OW's H a note or just talk to him. if she is really that stressed out help her by relieving some of her guilt!! you keeping quiet only is enabling her to keep her secret bottled up and is hurting her in the long run. (think big picture here)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The 180 has nothing to do with exposing the affair. They're two separate issues. The 180 is for u. The. Exposing is for ur marraige and also for the other spouse being cheated on. They have a right to know the truth. When u expose the affair isn't a secret anymore which changes its dynamic instantly. Affairs thrive on secrecy and no one finding out about them...so when they're exposed...they're not fun anymore. Reality and its consequences are never as good as fantasy. The longer u wait to expose...the worse for u.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

I personally wouldn't say anything. If they are meant to find out, they will. I know misery loves company but honestly, if a person wants to cheat, they will cheat, with or without exposure. 
If the other spouse asked you, I wouldn't lie that you know about it, but why is it your place to lay that on them? Punish the unsuspecting spouse as a consequence to the cheater? Doesn't make sense to me and I really believe that in negative situations you should stick to a positive path. 
Does the other spouse deserve to know? Maybe. But why assume they do, and then appoint yourself to the position of executioner? One way or another it will all come out when it's supposed to come out, just focus on your own actions and your reactions. That's all you are responsible for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

TwyztedChyck said:


> I personally wouldn't say anything. If they are meant to find out, they will. I know misery loves company but honestly, if a person wants to cheat, they will cheat, with or without exposure.
> If the other spouse asked you, I wouldn't lie that you know about it, but why is it your place to lay that on them? Punish the unsuspecting spouse as a consequence to the cheater? Doesn't make sense to me and I really believe that in negative situations you should stick to a positive path.
> Does the other spouse deserve to know? Maybe. But why assume they do, and then appoint yourself to the position of executioner? One way or another it will all come out when it's supposed to come out, just focus on your own actions and your reactions. That's all you are responsible for.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yours is different perspective by far! The OW's spouse did ask me via email last month "We don't really have anything to worry about with them, do we?" But that was in response to my inquiry about her (the OW) health, and my mentioning that my H was excessively concerned about her. 

I never responded.
Responding now would be more about clearing my own conscience. Why should I be responsible for keep THEIR secret?


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

Because the clearing of your conscience could hurt somebody, what if they committed suicide? Maybe they are supposed to know, maybe they are, maybe they aren't, it just seems selfish (and a bit petty) to lay that burden on someone else who may not be emotionally or mentally able to handle that burden right now just to unload your own pain or to one-up the cheaters. Just not something I would do. To each his own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

I'm only offering a different point of view. What if the spouse, having been told, does something really stupid in the devastation of the moment? Did they deserve to know it then? 
Btw, from personal experience, the outed cheaters don't always suffer or stop cheating once outed. Sometimes it gets it all out in the open and they are free to finally be with the person or still cheat, because after all, what have they got to lose now that it's out there. It can be a sort of relief. 
I just don't see the dire necessity of making it your duty to tell the other spouse if there's even a remote possibility it could do more damage than good. Maybe that's just me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

TwyztedChyck said:


> I'm only offering a different point of view. What if the spouse, having been told, does something really stupid in the devastation of the moment? Did they deserve to know it then?
> Btw, from personal experience, the outed cheaters don't always suffer or stop cheating once outed. Sometimes it gets it all out in the open and they are free to finally be with the person or still cheat, because after all, what have they got to lose now that it's out there. It can be a sort of relief.
> I just don't see the dire necessity of making it your duty to tell the other spouse if there's even a remote possibility it could do more damage than good. Maybe that's just me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are certainly right. IF they are still carrying on, outing them may not change anything. IF they have ended the affair, outing them may seem selfish on my part. But if I am committed to moving forward with my own life after all they have out me through, why should I feel obligated to carry their secret around?
Trust me, I am playing my own devil's advocate. I am not sure what to do which is why I am asking advice! I truly appreciate your deferring opinion. Obviously, I am of the same mindset, or I would have exposed them long ago. Initially, I offered an ultimatum: end it or I will tell. They didn't, and I still didn't tell. Now, it's just about ME moving forward with a clear conscience. I need to figure out what that means.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> Does the other spouse deserve to know? Maybe. But why assume they do, and then appoint yourself to the position of executioner? One way or another it will all come out when it's supposed to come out, just focus on your own actions and your reactions. That's all you are responsible for.
> 
> If there is anything in life that you can assume, it is that the OW's H has a right to know about this. This woman showed no regard for you or your rights. She intruded herself into your marriage. The way to make sure she stays out of your marriage and maybe other peoples as well is to out her. She has shown no concern for the rights of her H either. She deserves no quarter, but her H deserves to know about this.
> .


So what do you suggest? I'm uncertain. Should I ask someone else to break the news to him? You say he has the right to know, but I shouldn't be the executioner
. I'm confused!


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

Another thing, you found out the way you found out, life has a way of laying out each person's life the way it is supposed to be laid out for 'them'. They will find out the way they are supposed to, in the time frame they are supposed to. Also, it's hard to move forward when you are stepping backwards into the mix to make sure the other person knows (and suffers) what you know (and suffer). There's just a kinder way to react. 

I asked my husband his opinion on this, not telling him mine, and his reply was "What if the spouse goes nuts and blows everybody's heads off?" My point precisely. You see it on the news every day. 
Move forward, heal, and let it go. You can't heal by clinging to it and spreading it around. It's negative. Let it go and let it play itself out as it will. That's all I was saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

If your ultimatum of 'stop or I will tell' didn't stop them, then it may be time to just let it all go, including the urge to tell their 'secret'. Counseling can be effective at helping you unload this kind of thing and help you to keep motivated on moving onward and upward. I really wish you well. I've been in your shoes. Hugs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

While I was never in the position to need to tell the OM's W as she was the one who 'disturbed' them mid romance (she said she wasn't going to tell me which angers me - I found out by guess, then a 'played down' confession). But, the way I would find easy to decide whether to tell the other LS would be to imagine whether I would want to be told - and that is a definate YES.

Would any of you like walking around having others (the cheaters and others that know) making a fool of you while you are unaware?
Would you rather that your spouse had her dirty secret and was fantasising about it while having sex with you - fact is that a secret held is a bigger thrill to the cheater.
Would you rather that by you not knowing then there is one less person to be aware and know what to look out for if they were to 're-commence' the affair?

I know what happens with them is not your problem, but it is your problem if the OW's H is not aware there is anything to watch for, and then unknowingly enables the affair to rekindle at a later date.

I, personally would definately rather be told about it if only so I can protect myself. That is how I know that I would definately tell the other LS.

P.s. I have previously wrote that the OM's W in my tangled mess told me she didn't want to know more, but that is her choice as she already knows he is a cheater.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

In my situation I decided to wait until one of two things happened. I wanted my WS to R and then agree with it was what I needed to do to clear my own conscience if we were going to R. Two reasons, I felt it morally wrong to not tell the OMs wife. Also, it was wrong to let the OM get away from it Scott free as he would assuredly do it again and would have no restraint coming back after my WS. Of course I also wanted some revenge and didn't gloss that over with my WS. If I didn't get mine I was likely to do so
Something that would land me in jail. If my WS didn't R I had no reason to wait for her approval and would do it immediately. Just my opinion based on if the shoe were on the other foot I would want her to tell me. What happens as a result is not your problem. The OW and your husband created this mess and are responsible for the fallout just as it would be if it were discovered by the H on his own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

Even if you shout it from the rooftops spouses who are so inclined will have dirty little secrets and will rekindle affairs regardless. Some unsuspecting spouses may want to know, some may not, I just don't see the reason to make it your business to see that they know. It's just so petty and tattle-telly, and serves no purpose in ending the affair or repairing the damage. Too many ways it can backfire, not enough ways it can help.

The only way an affair ends is when the two having the affair end it. If you are worried about being made a fool of or if it is eating you up inside wondering if they are fantasizing about someone else then see a therapist, but passing on your pain won't help you heal or do anything to end the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

8yearscheating, doing it out of revenge, possibly causing the unsuspecting spouse to do something they may regret, just so you feel better and 'get yours', even though it may not and probably won't stop the affair, that's morally right? What happens as a result of THEIR actions is not your problem. What happens as a result of YOUR actions IS your problem.

You're right, it's a big 'mess' created by the two having the affair, and when you walk up on a 'mess', you shouldn't dig all into it and fling it around, you should avoid it like the plague, walk away from it like it was nuclear. 

You can't heal from a 'disease' until you are rid of the 'disease'. Just let it go so you can move on. Isn't that the ultimate goal? To heal, to get yourself together and to move past this painful experience? Or is it revenge?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TwyztedChyck said:


> Punish the unsuspecting spouse as a consequence to the cheater?
> 
> *Does the other spouse deserve to know? Maybe.*


I firmly disagree. The other spouse deserves to know the truth about their marriage. Exposing the affair isn't done out of "revenge or "vindictiveness." It's done so they are aware of what is happening in their marriage. I would hardly call letting someone know they are being cheated on "punishing" them. If anything, it's more of a punishment to be made a fool out of in front of the entire world, and later finding out other people knew and didn't even respect you enough to let you in on the dirty "secret." That hurts 100x more. 

Anything someone does after finding out is their own choice. It has nothing to do with the "messenger." People are responsible for their own actions.


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

its like seeing a purse snatcher and not getting involved because its not your problem. I made it my problem in my case.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Exactly.

It's like knowing someone is planning to burn down a building and not warning the people inside or calling the authorites.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

What if I were to send him an email such as: "Dear J, I am writing to inform you that my H and I have separated. As you already know, his "friendship" with your W has been a major issue in our marriage. Now that we are separated, I no longer have any reason to be vigilant. I would, however, suggest that you keep your eyes wide open. "


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

Earlier posts pointed out that letting the spouse know would be a punishment to the 'cheaters', revenge, well-deserved. I still say stay out of it, and just in case you still think the other spouse deserves to know, not only beware the replications of revealing such news, consider that you don't know their marriage, they could be 'being cheated on' due to have cheated themselves at one time and it could be their karma. Anything's possible.

But to assume - just because you need that revenge or closure - and so many here have mentioned telling out of revenge - is, well, just that, assumption. 

Again, I see no purpose, well, no healthy purpose, in telling. I just don't. And no it's not like watching a crime, if anything, it could induce criminal activity if they unsuspecting spouse flips out. Just sayin'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

BIP - that's very well-put and tasteful, but WHY? If you still felt so inclined, I'd go with that, but why do you feel so compelled to tell? What do you owe this man to drop this on him? Is it really that important that you absolutely just must make yourself the bearer of bad news? And if so, why? If you didn't, what would happen? Would the world stop spinning? Yours already has. So why? Is it conducive to healing? Does it really, really change anything?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, exposing an affair does change things. It makes it not a secret anymore. It put the affair out in the open. It lets the cheated on party know what the deal is with their marriage. The truth is revealed. 

"Dear OWH's,

It has recently come to my attention that my husband and your wife are currently involved in an affair/inappropriate relationship. The affair has been detrimental to my marriage and caused many problems. I am telling you this out of respect for you because I feel you should know the truth. I apologize to have to be the one inform you this if you were not already aware of the affair. Feel free to contact me if you wish.

Signed, 

BIP"

Oh and BIP, get tested for STDs if you haven't already.


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

I'd like to point out also that just because you don't tell him doesn't mean he will never find out. Truth always comes to light.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

TwyztedChyck said:


> BIP - that's very well-put and tasteful, but WHY? If you still felt so inclined, I'd go with that, but why do you feel so compelled to tell? What do you owe this man to drop this on him? Is it really that important that you absolutely just must make yourself the bearer of bad news? And if so, why? If you didn't, what would happen? Would the world stop spinning? Yours already has. So why? Is it conducive to healing? Does it really, really change anything?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have done nothing wrong. I hate cheaters, and frankly so did my H before the OW came along. I am a good and honest person. I just feel like by keeping their secret, I am betraying myself. 
Do you agree that he should be made aware of our separation?


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Yes, exposing an affair does change things. It makes it not a secret anymore. It put the affair out in the open. It lets the cheated on party know what the deal is with their marriage. The truth is revealed.
> 
> "Dear OWH's,
> 
> ...


I like it! Especially: The affair has been detrimental to my marriage and caused many problems. I may change "affair" to "relationship."
Yes, I got checked out, and I am clean. My H still claims that they never had sex, but it's a non-issue at this point. I did buy condoms last week! Not really sure why.


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

Yes about the seperation, because that directly involves YOU. Let him find/figure out why. He may already suspect or know, and what if he blamed you in some way. It happens, people like to blame the messenger. How is not telling HIM what HIS spouse is doing betray YOU? YOU had nothing to do with it, THEY did. YOUR seperation was something YOU actively participated in, THEIR affair was not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

*sorry about any typos, doing this on my way to work*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

What if the affair led to their marriage? In my case it did. What would be the all-and-all-out purpose of exposing it then? Just to reveal a secret? Might as well take it to Springer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

I'd possibly write a letter (or call) explaining 'so-and-so and I are sperated, just wanted you to know' and if he asks why, say only A and B (the two cheaters) know why. Let him and them take it from there. Just an idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TwyztedChyck said:


> What if the affair led to their marriage? In my case it did.


Oh. Well that explains your position.... Were you married, too Twyzted? Or just your now husband?



BIP said:


> I like it! Especially: The affair has been detrimental to my marriage and caused many problems. I may change "affair" to "relationship."
> Yes, I got checked out, and I am clean. My H still claims that they never had sex, but it's a non-issue at this point. I did buy condoms last week! Not really sure why.


I say keep "affair" and not "relationship." Because it's an affair. It wasn't a "relationship" that grew out of honesty and truth. They both deceived their spouses so call it an "affair" cases that is what it is. And they're both still married so it's not like they're single.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'll just say that I strongly disagree with TwyztedChyck as she mentions herself that she was a cheater and is arguing to keep the adultery secret. From what I can see the goal is not to do what is right and honest for your marriage but to justify her own behavior! 

I agree 100% with JellyBean that telling the OP's spouse is the right thing, not out of vindictiveness or as a punishment, but because as a participant in their marriage, they have the right to know that their marriage is in jeopardy and to possibly take steps to protect themselves or their family. 

Yes, finding out is very painful.
Yes, the OP's spouse may flip out and scream or become violent. 

But keeping it secret puts the OP's spouse into the position of carrying on their "normal marriage" not knowing that another person (namely YOUR SPOUSE) has encroached on their spouse. They have the right to know what is going on and make their decision based on the truth and reality--not their false belief that "everything is okay." They may be exposed to lethal diseases if nothing else. They may have a personal boundary that does not tolerate infidelity. And make no mistake: if YOU tell the OP's spouse it is not you speaking the truth that breaks up their marriage...it is THEIR adulterous behavior and choice to be unfaithful!! 

So speak the truth, factually, and allow the OP's spouse to make their own decisions with all the TRUE FACTS. This is perfect: 

"Dear OWH's,

It has come to my attention that my husband and your wife are currently involved in an affair. The affair has been detrimental to my marriage and we are currently separating. I am telling you this out of respect for you because I feel you should know the truth. I apologize to have to be the one inform you this if you were not already aware of the affair. Feel free to contact me if you wish.

Signed,

BIP"


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

Bye BIP and JB *waves* - I'm at work now so gotta go, but I just wanted to tell you to hang in there. I know what you're going through. My husband of 15 years had an affair with my best friend for a whole year, they are married now. The pain of betrayal was devastating. Whichever path you choose, I wish you peace, light, and love. 
~Twyz 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> I'll just say that I strongly disagree with TwyztedChyck as she mentions herself that she was a cheater and is arguing to keep the adultery secret. From what I can see the goal is not to do what is right and honest for your marriage but to justify her own behavior!
> 
> I agree 100% with JellyBean that telling the OP's spouse is the right thing, not out of vindictiveness or as a punishment, but because as a participant in their marriage,* they have the right to know that their marriage is in jeopardy *and to possibly take steps to protect themselves or their family.


Ding ding ding ding ding!!! We have a winner!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok so now I see Twyzted says she was the cheated on party. So I sorry for the automatic assumption you were the cheater, TC. 

Wel l I still disagree w/ keeping it a seceret. All it does is enable the affair but not exposing it. Tell the OWH!!!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I find it really odd that she (Twyzted) was cheated on and feels the way she does. You would think she would have wanted to know that she was being cheated on as soon as possible. For two reasons:

1) To be able to work on her marriage before the affair got to deep
2) So not to be taken advantage of by her cheating husband


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Well twisted you took one point about my feelings and made it the sole purpose. Yes PART of it was my own need to make him feel the same pain BOTH my wife and I were suffering and if that was self serving and selfish TOUGH $hit. An 18 year affair with a supposed "good friend" of mine and I felt justified. For my case it was 18 of 26 years. For his wife it was 18 of 19 years and she deserved to know he was a scumbag. That said, not telling her would be like knowing the two of them committed murder and not telling anyone. That makes me accomplis in their dirty deed and I do feel that is morally wrong. This scumbag also had his business go bankrupt because of his arrogance spending a govt. funded loan on toys for himself which dumped 30 men and their families on the street. My wife and I are back together and happy. His in shambles as it should be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

I thank you ALL sincerely for your help with this matter. I do not take this lightly, and your earnest and passionate opinions matter to me! Below is my latest draft. Please be aware that although my H and the OW still work together and see each other daily, I have no evidence that the affair is still going on. 

_Dear OWH, 
As you may already know, my H's "friendship" with your wife has been has been detrimental to our marriage and caused many problems. I am writing to inform you that my H and I have separated. I am telling you this out of respect for you, and because I feel you should know the truth, which is that my H and your W have been much, much more than "just friends". I apologize to have to be the one inform you this if you were not already aware. Now that my H and I are separated, I no longer have any reason to be vigilant. I would, however, suggest that you keep your eyes wide open.

Feel free to contact me if you wish,_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I would add in there that they have/had an affair. You need to use the word AFFAIR to drill it home, IMO.

Send it soon!


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I would add in there that they have/had an affair. You need to use the word AFFAIR to drill it home, IMO.
> 
> Send it soon!


I am certainly dancing around that word "affair". Even when I confronted my husband 3 months ago, I said "inappropriate relationship," "crush," "emotional affair." Now I say I say "affair" in MC because sex or not, that's what it was. 

In approaching the OWH, I guess I want to be as accurate as possible with what I can back up with evidence. I hate to get into semantics in my very first email to the guy. "Affair" means different things to different people. If I use the word "Affair", and to OWH that means sexual relationship, I have no evidence to back up my statement. I might to come of as a hysterical drama queen overreacting b/c her husband moved out. 

One more thing, a friend just suggested I don't send an email but call him instead. She said leaving a paper trail could come back and do me harm. What do you think?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You could call him if you wanted and say exactly what was written above.

It's up to you.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Okay. I whimped out. I tried to call the OW's H, but never could follow through.

I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they have ended things. Why stir up the past? My therapist made me understand my true motives: to hurt the OW. Punish her. Finally, I knew if I exposed them, my H would never speak to me again. I whimped out.

I received a notification from AT+T today, and had to log in on-line to see what the issue is. While in our account, I couldn't help myself, and I looked at his usage. I haven't checked it since we separated. My H and the OW sent each other at least 50 texts since 8:15 am today. I'm back to square one. Why can't I just let him go?????


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Ohhhh the dreaded At&T website....I was accused of spying when I looked at my husbands data usage yesterday.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TELL OW's HUB!!! We have been telling you that since the beginning. 

Stop covering for them. You covering this up is enabling the affair, helping it along. He has zero respect for you.

The point isn't to PUNISH her, it's so her hub knows what a slag she is. He has a right to know.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

paramore said:


> Ohhhh the dreaded At&T website....I was accused of spying when I looked at my husbands data usage yesterday.


When I first discovered the affair, I blocked her from his phone. I also put parental controls so he could only call or text certain numbers after midnight. I know, controlling . . . but I actually thought it was funny b/c they were behaving like adolescents!
I remove the blocks when he moved out. I assume he knows I can see the records. but maybe not. I haven't wanted to look. Really, what am I going to learn that I don't already know? He's not leading me on anymore, begging him to give him another chance. 
He's a lying, cheating drunk. Why am I still trying to protect him? I should go find a CODA meeting somewhere!


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> TELL OW's HUB!!! We have been telling you that since the beginning.
> 
> Stop covering for them. You covering this up is enabling the affair, helping it along. He has zero respect for you.
> 
> The point isn't to PUNISH her, it's so her hub knows what a slag she is. He has a right to know.


I think she is a total tease. I think she laps up my H's attention, and then says "no, I'm working on my marriage." None of it is OK, but she may be able to honestly say "nothing happened." Oh LORD, help me! Enabler!!


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

I have it written and ready to send. Someone come press the button for me.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

BIP said:


> I have it written and ready to send. Someone come press the button for me.


LMAO

I can imagine how difficult it is BIP not knowing what will happen once he knows.

The tiny thought in the back of your mind that this might be the action that keeps your H from ever coming back.
The thought that your e-mail might be the one push the OW`s H needs to get rid of her, making her available.

All those really messed up thoughts, indeed I still think you should click "send".

Expose it because she deserves it. 
Expose it because the outcome could be the exact opposite of those messed up thoughts.
Expose it because her H is entitled to know he`s working hard on a marriage that his wife doesn`t value.
Expose it out of pure vengeance if you will, there`s nothing wrong with that. It is often the beginning of healing.

The right thing any way you look at it is to click "send" BIP.

I know it`s hard.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hit send now!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't forget to include they texted eachother 50 times this morning before 8:15


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Hit send now!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Don't forget to include they texted eachother 50 times this morning before 8:15





Jellybeans said:


> Hit send now!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Don't forget to include they texted eachother 50 times this morning before 8:15


OMG! U couldn't write this script. I WAS going to send the email first thing this AM. I wanted to wait until AM, so I wouldn't be accused of EUI ( emailing while under the influence). Then my car wouldn't start, I was late getting the kids to school and had a meeting, blah blah. So after work I had 15 minutes to kill and I went by a Cinco de Mayo party by my work. Who do I see but the OW's H!!! Awkward! We did a double take. We recognized each other, have met before but never really talked. This is the first time I've seen him since discovering the EA. I sent him an email back in March asking if we could talk about H and OW, and he responded "We don't really have anything ton worry about with those two, do we?" I let it go.
So tonight he asked me how I am, and I said that Ive had better years, and he said "If you still want to talk, I think I gave you my number." And I said that we do need to talk.
He was on his way to meet his skank wife, mother of his 5 year old twins. Poor guy doesn't have a clue. I wish to God I didn't have to be the one to break it to him. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

BIP~

#1--Send him that email and be sure that somewhere in that email it says "I am so sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, and I know it will hurt like crazy, but you are a decent man and need to know..." 

#2--Remind yourself OUT LOUD as you push the send button that this is not *you* hurting him, but it is the *affair* that is hurting him. At any time your husband and his wife could choose to do the right thing and stop. But they haven't!!! It is their CHOICE that is hurting him. The role you are playing is the role of "Telling The Truth"...and that's all. Say that over and over out loud as you push that [SEND] button. 

Do it and then come back here to get a few hugs.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Tell him, he has the right to know what his wife is doing.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

*Re: To Tell or Not to Tell: I DID IT!*

I DID IT!
_"I was caught off guard when I saw you Thursday. I don't know if OW has told you, H and I have separated. Although it's not our only issue, H's "friendship" with your wife has been extremely detrimental to our marriage and caused many problems. I've asked OW several times to back away, and she has ignored me, as has H.

J, you seem like a really decent guy who cares deeply about his family. I am telling you this out of respect for you, and because I feel you should know the truth, which is that H and OW have been much more than "just friends." I apologize to have to be the one inform you this if you were not already aware that they have been having an affair since last July. I discovered the truth at the end of January, after suspecting an affair for several months. I don't know their current status, but if you can check OW's text records from the last couple days, you can see for yourself. Now that H and I are separated, I no longer have any reason to be vigilant. If you would like to protect your marriage, I suggest that you keep your eyes wide open.

For the sake of my children, and frankly for my own safety, I would appreciate your discretion as to how you came upon this information. Trust me when I say it is no secret around the office. 

Feel free to contact me if you wish. It pains me deeply to have to share the truth with you, but I can't keep their secrets anymore.
_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

A fine job, hats off to you. 

Start looking after yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> A fine job, hats off to you.
> 
> Start looking after yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm still shaking. My H is out of town. I checked his phone records again prior to sending the email. In addition to texting OW every minute, I noticed a few number with the local area code to where he is staying, looked them up on line, and they were to 4 different escort services! Now I wonder if I should tell OW about the other *****s!!! This just gets sicker and sicker!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

BIP~

Please bear in mind that your husband is still legally bound to YOU and not to the OW. Anything with the OW is honestly pretty much a fantasy in his head that he's trying to bring into reality EXCEPT that of course she won't be a perfect woman perfectly meeting his needs in real life (just saying...no one is perfect). So any obligation he may have--legally or morally--is still to his WIFE and not his mistress, even if you guys are separated. Just because your bodies are not living together does not mean the legal and moral bonds are released. LOL  

My point in telling you this is that YOU are the one who needs to know that when your husband goes out of town, he turns to prostitutes. It is YOUR health (and his) that he is risking. I'm not saying that you should put another person's health at risk but it is not your place to be contacting the OW, she won't listen to you anyway, and it will make you look vindictive. Chances are about 99.99% she will view it as you trying to make her "knight in shining armor" look bad rather than realizing that this particular knight has LOTS of ****** in his armor!

So get thee to a doctor for some STD testing and do not sleep with him without protection! And by the way--EXCELLENT letter to the OW's H. Very sensitive and well-written. Good job!


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Just received this from the OW!
_I saw you yesterday and thought your hair looked really cute, it reminds me of mine. I was going to say hi but I was on the phone - I just want you to know MH shares everything you send to him and say to him with me. I was going to let you know the last time you contacted him but he asked me not to. I hope you're doing well and I hope to make it out with my kids to one of the boy's games this season now that I'm well again. Have a great Mother's Day with the boys, we should all get together soon . - OW_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Wow! She's got a big set doesn't she?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Wow! She's got a big set doesn't she?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


AND SHE JUST CALLED ME! I told her that her BFF is a drunk, drug abusing, wh***monger who is wiping out our saving and going to lose his kids. And she said that "he seems really happy!"

And that my hair looks really cute.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Well in case she is hijacking his mail why don't you track down where he works and either mail his work address or send him a letter. I suspect that as she mailed you she has intercepted the mail. She is mailing you to rile you and is in fact laughing. Is she is on facebook and can you see her friends and family, it would be nice if you can , if so pop a message to a few confirming the are having an affair, mention he is in contact with escort agencies, state that you recommend she has an STD test thereafter ask if someone could contact her husband. I say this as I think her husband is either very stupid or unaware of what is happening. The other option is simply to call him mentioning what you said in the mail, tell him about her mail and drop in the health risk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

She is intentionally baiting you and doing her best to harm you, next time put the phone down, record from now how many times she calls you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Omg!!!! Good for you for sending that to her hub!

I would NOT have answered the phone though. What else did she say to you? I would go dark if I were you, you owe her nothing!!!

And I would tell her jack about the escort services.

Her saying that your hair looks like hers makes me want to 
b-tchslap her for you. Her saying you all should hang is even sicker. Total slag. She is totally GOT right now. LOL.



BIP said:


> I noticed a few number with the local area code to where he is staying, looked them up on line, and they were to 4 different escort services!





Affaircare said:


> So get thee to a doctor for some STD testing and do not sleep with him without protection! And by the way--EXCELLENT letter to the OW's H. Very sensitive and well-written. Good job!


*WHERE IS NICE13???* Sending out the bat signal for Nice13! Now you see why I am so psychotic about STD testing...

BIP, you are supposed to re-test after 6 months of getting an all clear, just cause...ya never know. So go back and do it. You have no clue how long he's been doing this.

Her saying "he looks reallly happy right now" double ew. I wouldn't say a single thing to her, BIP. She is prob freaking out that her hub knows. Don't give any of the details.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Well in case she is hijacking his mail why don't you track down where he works and either mail his work address or send him a letter. I suspect that as she mailed you she has intercepted the mail. She is mailing you to rile you





Eli-Zor said:


> She is intentionally baiting you and doing her best to harm you


Agreed. That is why she is giving you little side comments about your hair, inviting you to ball games, saying her MH tells her everything. BS. I would CALL HIM. YOu have his # don't you??? I get hte feeling that since he told you when he saw you " you still have my #" it's almost like he WANTED to talk to you.

NO MORE TALKING TO HER, get it??? She is totally fishning/baiting to find out what info you have. TELL HER NOTHING. Let her dig herself into a damn hole. Do not answer her at all. Keep checking the logs..no doubt she's prob callin your hub. Call her hubs. She may very well have gotten the message and he did not!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

BIP said:


> AND SHE JUST CALLED ME! I told her that her BFF is a drunk, drug abusing, wh***monger who is wiping out our saving and going to lose his kids. And she said that "he seems really happy!"
> 
> And that my hair looks really cute.


She sure is a :crazy::loser: Wow! I'm amazed at her audacity! Nonetheless that doesn't change that she is knowingly choosing to commit adultery with a married man, knowing that she is destroying a family and harming children. Even if her hair is "cute." 


P.S. She definitely "intercepted" the email to her husband and is probably trying to act like he's okay with her "friendship" with your H. Don't fall for that. I agree with Eli-Zor--send it to him as mail at work or something so you know HE gets it and not her. 

MAN she's something else!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Her comment about him being really happy...ugh. It's like she is getting off on this. Did she say it with an attitude?

Come back and post BIP! I hope you remained calm when you did speak with her. Tell her nothing at all please please please.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> BIP~
> 
> So get thee to a doctor for some STD testing and do not sleep with him without protection! And by the way--EXCELLENT letter to the OW's H. Very sensitive and well-written. Good job!


*RE: STD's* I got a clean bill of health last month, and have kept my legs tight ever since. I don't anticipate any action with my scumbag H ever again, unless HE does serious 180 (and I don't mean the kind we talk about here).

@Aftercare: Thank you for the compliment. I wonder if he even saw it.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Omg!!!! Good for you for sending that to her hub!


Thank you. Now I wonder if he even saw it. I am thinking about sending him a text, but not sure how to phrase it. Hmmmm.



> I would NOT have answered the phone though. What else did she say to you? I would go dark if I were you, you owe her nothing!!!


It happened so quickly, and her name didn't come up, or I might have thought twice.



> And I would tell her jack about the escort services.


I did give her too much info., but I didn't say anything about last night, or the current trip he is on. Just general crap about what a degenerate he has become. After the call, I sent her a text: _Nothing I told you was a lie. If you are really his friend, you would back off the enabling and encourage him to get into a treatment program. He needs help._"


> Her saying that your hair looks like hers makes me want to
> b-tchslap her for you. Her saying you all should hang is even sicker. Total slag. She is totally GOT right now. LOL.


I wish you could see the whole email I sent her in January demanding that she take my kids pics off her FB page and her desktop, and tell her NEVER to breath their names again!

And our hair my be similar, but it looks MUCH BETTER on someone with an honest heart;-)


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Her comment about him being really happy...ugh. It's like she is getting off on this. Did she say it with an attitude?
> 
> Come back and post BIP! I hope you remained calm when you did speak with her. Tell her nothing at all please please please.


Oh, she gets off on it alright. I actually don't think they have ever had sex. He says he tried and she shut him down, and I didn't believe him, but now I do. I think she is all about control and manipulation. She gets to be the shiny new toy. I did actually say that to her today. B**ch.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The mail was intercepted.

Be persistent and smart about alerting him of how terrible his life is (wife is).

And be tactical and strategic about your own life and health.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

michzz said:


> The mail was intercepted.
> 
> Be persistent and smart about alerting him of how terrible his life is (wife is).
> 
> And be tactical and strategic about your own life and health.


I think so, too, but DANG she caught me off guard! Now that I think about it, I responded to her email almost immediately, and she called without ever even seeing my reply. 
I think I'll wait a day or two, and give him a call. Say, "Hey, I got OW response to my email, but never heard from you. Do you have any questions?" And if he says "no," I can say that I am happy that he is comfortable with H/OW's relationship, and I wish him the best.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Text him...say...'call me.'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

About the hair, I could barely even look af myself today without seeing the F***ing similarities. Yuck!! I went to the beauty supply store and Thank goodness there was a nice girl who talk me out of dying my pretty blonde locks purple. We opted for a bunch of curl-enhancing products instead. No more sleek blonde bob; I'm a curly top! No mistaking me for the OW now! Oh by the way, she is 3 feet tall and weighs about 90lbs soaking wet, and I'm 5'10", and could crush her with my thumb. Bi-och!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Just got home from MC, and my H brought up the email to the OW's H. He was furious that I sent it, furious that I suggested that I was concerned for my safety. I came home and reread it, and realized for the first time that the OW cc's my H when she replied. Not HER H, MY H!

My H also told me that I am not permitted to discuss our problems with any of "his" friends. We've known each other for 27 years; it's not like we have a whole lot of friends that are mutually exclusive. He's tired of stuff coming back to him. I fully melted down. "_What am I supposed to do? Save it all up and talk 50 minutes a week in counseling? You were my best friend, now you have a new BBF who you share everything with, and I am alone, and you don't want me talking to my friends?_" He said "_You can talk to them, just don't talk to them about me._" Right, like there is SO MUCH else on my mind. Maybe I should just talk about the weather.

He suggested that I try and make NEW friends. Well, I have one, see my other thread!!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's clear she intercepted the email. What a hag to cc your hub and not hers. but what else is to be expected.

No more talking to her.

Your H is being unfair. he is the one having this inappropriate relationship and blackmailing you to not tell her H or else he will divorce you. WTF is that. What about you???? He is the one calling escorts and possibly putting you at risk for STDs. You are not in the wrong here. 

BIP, you need to figure out what you want and fast. He sounds like he has made zero effort to earn your trust back and/or let this OW and escort services go. 

Do you want to live like this?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Bip woman up , get hold of her husband and give him all the information and do tell your husbands friends, your husband is bullying you do not ever tolerate that, if he is half the man he should be he would be fighting for you not his POSOW. Now do yourself a favour make the effort and tell her husband and let him know his wife is playing games with your husband and you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOl. Love the term POSOW 

And am kinda laughing that I knew what it stood for right after reading it.  Ah, we live in a world of acronyms and text messages. Good times. 

Her H has a right to know, BIP. Think about it: If your H is sexing her and also calling escorts, he and she are putting all parties (you and her H) at risk, not to mention the lying going on.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> LOl. Love the term POSOW


OKAY, it took me a second, but I figured it out. Reminds me of when I discovered their juvenile text affair, and she sent him: MSMAFH. Hint: "What you are to me on the deepest level." Took me WEEKS to crack it. One morning I shot up in bed and yelled "OMG! My soul mate and future husband!" My husband was next to me and said that I just "needed to let it go." I sent her an text: "URATFB, need a hint on that one??"

Aside, I was just asked out by my 65 year old mentally challenged window washer. Things are looking up!:smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BIP said:


> I sent her an text: *"URATFB*, need a hint on that one??"


U R A True F*cking *****?
Y R A Trifing Fugly Bamma?
U R A Trollop Freaking Beast?

Did I hit one?

LOL 

:lol:


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> U R A True F*cking *****?
> Y R A Trifing Fugly Bamma?
> U R A Trollop Freaking Beast?
> 
> ...


Close on the first, but you are overthinking. Remember I'm from California, so it must have "total" or "totally" in it. Hint? Same as the one she gave him. "What you mean to me on the deepest level!!!!"


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