# Sex is all I think about.



## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

So this is a bit graphic,but here goes.
I’m 29yo and I have a son who’s 13 months. The last time my husband and I had sex I was 12 weeks pregnant. That’s almost 2 years ago... I am a very sexual person and he’s not... he’s never been a very sexual person but this has become ridiculous. About two moths ago I walked in on him jerking off. He was cumming when I walked in which kind of turned me on.... I thought about it all night and the next day.. I finally asked him for sex and his response was “now?” “Not now the games on.” I was pissed... I hate being rejected. He never touches me, he barely looks twice at me when I’m naked. I’m feeling like he’s too comfortable... I’m starting to find myself more and more horny... I fantasize about sex all the time... I want some penetration. I want to feel somebody on top of me... my husbands over weight so he’s never on top except when he’s getting it from behind.. when we do have sex it lasts for maybe a few minutes. I feel like he tries to get his nutt and continue on with the day. For me 2 years is way too long without sex!!! I maturbate ALOT!! Any chance I get. Mostly during showers. It’s the only time I get alone... I find that I have to take extra panties around with me because anything I think about can simply make me wet... sex is all I think about all the time... I have spoken to him about it. I’m starting to get depressed and sad because I NEED to be touched... just writing some of the details here makes me horny lol. He’s my best friend so getting a divorce would hurt. He’s also a great father and provider. He just bought me a brand new car for mother’s day and I couldn’t be more grateful. I love him to death I just don’t know how much longer I can go without sex... I don’t mean regular ol mishionary sex I’m at the point where I want to be sore at the end of it... it’s that serious....


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Blue123 said:


> I’m 29yo and I have a son who’s 13 months. The last time my husband and I had sex I was 12 weeks pregnant. That’s almost 2 years ago... *I am a very sexual person and he’s not... he’s never been a very sexual person* but this has become ridiculous. *About two moths ago I walked in on him jerking off. He was cumming when I walked in which kind of turned me on....* .




So he's still sexual.....just not with you.


Prefers pornography?

The fact that you are now a mom is a turn off to him? This happens to some men; it's called the Madonna/wh*re complex.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Your needs are real and don't be ashamed of them. Before you talk to your husband read about the Madonna Whxxx complex that some men develop. Some men believe that when you become a mother, they need to treat you as the mother of their children and no longer as their lover. Some men who grew up with parents who were not affectionate toward each other so sexual might believe that is the way they should behave now that they are a "father." Other men may now view you as a "mother figure" and it would be just wrong to be sexual with someone like their mother.

The point is it is not you, it is him. Talk to him tell him you have needs that you and he are husband and wife and that means you are also lovers. Tell him what you need. Ask him what it is that has changed in his mind. He may be defensive and he may say hurtful things, but remember it is his messed up perceptions and not your fault.......so no matter what he says don't get angry.

If that doesn't work or give you clues, then suggest marriage counseling with a sex therapist. When you finally do get through to him sex some clear boundaries for behavior and expectations.

Good luck.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

New car needs the front-back seat christened with sex, even if the car and the sex is in the garage.

Tell your H what you wrote here on TAM.

He might be ashamed of his extra weight so keeps his sexuality hidden from you.


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Blue123 said:
> 
> 
> > I’m 29yo and I have a son who’s 13 months. The last time my husband and I had sex I was 12 weeks pregnant. That’s almost 2 years ago... *I am a very sexual person and he’s not... he’s never been a very sexual person* but this has become ridiculous. *About two moths ago I walked in on him jerking off. He was cumming when I walked in which kind of turned me on....* .
> ...


Maybe porn is playing a part in this... I’m not 100%.It’s frustrating to say the least. I will look up the Madonnaa/wh*re complex. Thanks for the advice.


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

Young at Heart said:


> Your needs are real and don't be ashamed of them. Before you talk to your husband read about the Madonna Whxxx complex that some men develop. Some men believe that when you become a mother, they need to treat you as the mother of their children and no longer as their lover. Some men who grew up with parents who were not affectionate toward each other so sexual might believe that is the way they should behave now that they are a "father." Other men may now view you as a "mother figure" and it would be just wrong to be sexual with someone like their
> The point is it is not you, it is him. Talk to him tell him you have needs that you and he are husband and wife and that means you are also lovers. Tell him what you need. Ask him what it is that has changed in his mind. He may be defensive and he may say hurtful things, but remember it is his messed up perceptions and not your fault.......so no matter what he says don't get angry.
> 
> If that doesn't work or give you clues, then suggest marriage counseling with a sex therapist. When you finally do get through to him sex some clear boundaries for behavior and expectations.
> ...


Thank you. I’ve never heard of that complex before. I really hope he’s not looking at me like that... I don’t want to be looked at as just a mother.. I still need sex and he needs to know that... I will talk to him more about it.


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

Handy said:


> New car needs the front-back seat christened with sex, even if the car and the sex is in the garage.
> 
> Tell your H what you wrote here on TAM.
> 
> He might be ashamed of his extra weight so keeps his sexuality hidden from you.


Don’t I wish!! I’m the type to have sex in the car... he’s not like that.. we have never had sex in the car, shower, kitchen living room or anything other than the bedroom in the bed. It’s boring but that’s HIS comfort I have been trying to spice things up. Once he tried to do something I asked,but it felt awkward,and it ruined the mood. I like being spanked and choked and talked dirty to and he’s not like that... that’s where I think We clash.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Blue123 said:


> The last time my husband and I had sex I was 12 weeks pregnant. That’s almost 2 years ago...


Anyone who imposes celibacy upon their spouse, has no entitlement to sexual fidelity. If he won't have sex with you, feel free to replace him following dumping him or by going off reservation.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Blue123 said:


> Don’t I wish!! I’m the type to have sex in the car... he’s not like that.. we have never had sex in the car, shower, kitchen living room or anything other than the bedroom in the bed. It’s boring but that’s HIS comfort I have been trying to spice things up. Once he tried to do something I asked,but it felt awkward,and it ruined the mood. I like being spanked and choked and talked dirty to and he’s not like that... that’s where I think We clash.


My condolences. I know the feeling well.

My advice would be to leave him. Or accept a bad sex life.

Sorry thats all I got.


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

Personal said:


> Blue123 said:
> 
> 
> > The last time my husband and I had sex I was 12 weeks pregnant. That’s almost 2 years ago...
> ...


Thank you for your advice. I completely agree. It’s easier said than done. I wouldn’t know where to start looking for someone to replace him with sexually. It also feels a lot more complicated now that we have a child together. I just wish he would just have sex with me... I have never gone through this in any relationship. Iv also never been with anyone this long either so I don’t know... it’s nice to have a place to vent this out.


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

chillymorn69 said:


> Blue123 said:
> 
> 
> > Don’t I wish!! I’m the type to have sex in the car... he’s not like that.. we have never had sex in the car, shower, kitchen living room or anything other than the bedroom in the bed. It’s boring but that’s HIS comfort I have been trying to spice things up. Once he tried to do something I asked,but it felt awkward,and it ruined the mood. I like being spanked and choked and talked dirty to and he’s not like that... that’s where I think We clash.
> ...


I appreciate the advice. I need to definitely make a choice.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Blue123 said:


> Personal said:
> 
> 
> > Blue123 said:
> ...


If you haven’t had sex with him in 2 years then it would be pretty easy to replace him sexually just by dumping him. You’re not having sex anyway so there’s nothing to replace. Don’t cheat. 
You need to ask him why he doesn’t want to have sex with you. He obviously still has sexual urges since he’s looking at porn. You guys need to have a long talk about sex and go from there.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Personal said:


> Anyone who imposes celibacy upon their spouse, has no entitlement to sexual fidelity. If he won't have sex with you, feel free to replace him following dumping him or by going off reservation.


That'd be my recommendation. If you handle it correctly, don't get caught up in texting, emails, phone and romantic teleconferencing, it can be a viable solution without disruption of your lifestyle. Ultimately you'll want to replace him because counseling, patients, and giving him a "talkin to" seldom if ever works.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Something is wrong if he’s jerking off and not hammering his wife.

Stop living like this. You and he can fix this, or you and he can find someone else. 
You are not wrong to want some sex. If he Durant want it with you, there’s plenty of men who do. But.......

Make sure you find out what the problem is and try your beat to help him fix it. 2 years?
That’s crazy to me.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Tell him his cum belongs to you, and he damn well better not waste it jacking off.

If you have tried talk to him and it goes nowhere, I would recommend setting up a session with a MC.

I did this to keep the conversation civil. 

In counselling, I told my wife that I could not live like we had been anymore. I said "We are either going to start having sex on a regular basis or I will file for a divorce"

Don't cheat. That will only make finding a new spouse harder, as cheating is a deal breaker for a lot of people.


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

He has low testosterone but hasn't done anything to fix it... was prescribed meds but hasn't taken them...he also claims he's just not in the mood.. I have talked to him multiple times about it... I'm not one to beat around the bush or sugar coat how I feel. Some times I get the feeling he's intimidated by me... it's just the vibe I get. It's hard to believe I've gon with out sex for two years... the end of my pregnancy and the first few months postpartum I can understand,but nows the time we should be getting a quickie in the bathroom while he takes his nap... I'm stuck fantasizing about this stuff.


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

It's easier said than done for me because I will still be going through this long before I find someone to 'replace' him with. I agree that talking to him is getting us nowhere and counseling is not something he will be willing to do unless I threaten to leave. All I want is to get layed right. If I keep *****ing about the lack of sex in our marriage. He will finally give in,but it will be his standard lay back let me do all the work two minutes of pleasure,and it will feel very forced and unsexy... I want him to bend me over all of a sudden in the kitchen pull my panties to the side and put it in...( sorry if that's too graphic) but this is stuff he knows I want. He is just not that kind of person sexually.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Blue123 said:


> He has low testosterone but hasn't done anything to fix it... was prescribed meds but hasn't taken them...*he also claims he's just not in the mood.*. I have talked to him multiple times about it... I'm not one to beat around the bush or sugar coat how I feel. Some times I get the feeling he's intimidated by me... it's just the vibe I get. It's hard to believe I've gon with out sex for two years... the end of my pregnancy and the first few months postpartum I can understand,but nows the time we should be getting a quickie in the bathroom while he takes his nap... I'm stuck fantasizing about this stuff.


He needs testosterone to be in mood. Is he a christian? 

If so, remind him of this - 1 Corinthians 7 New International Version (NIV)
Concerning Married Life

7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> That'd be my recommendation. If you handle it correctly, don't get caught up in texting, emails, phone and romantic teleconferencing, it can be a viable solution without disruption of your lifestyle. Ultimately you'll want to replace him because counseling, patients, and giving him a "talkin to" seldom if ever works.


It's easier said than done for me because I will still be going through this long before I find someone to 'replace' him with. I agree that talking to him is getting us nowhere and counseling is not something he will be willing to do unless I threaten to leave. All I want is to get layed right. If I keep *****ing about the lack of sex in our marriage. He will finally give in,but it will be his standard lay back let me do all the work two minutes of pleasure,and it will feel very forced and unsexy... I want him to bend me over all of a sudden in the kitchen pull my panties to the side and put it in...( sorry if that's too graphic) but this is stuff he knows I want. He is just not that kind of person sexually


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I hate divorce, but if he is well aware of the issue, and chooses to ignore it. 

File, don't cheat.

You cheat, he can whine to all the family what a **** you are.

You file, what's he gonna do, whine about how you wanted sex? Most men within earshot are either gonna be thinking WTF is your problem dude, or trying to find YOU on Facebook.

It's one thing to be medically incapable of having sex, that's the "in sickness and in health" part. It's totally different if you can still get it up, but CHOOSE not to have sex with your spouse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a link that might help you as it gives some resources http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html

Your husband has low T adn refuses to take his meds. This translates him not having any interest in sex with you. You might want to try to get him to marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. They know things that can help.

Your clearly prefers his hand and perhaps porn to having sex with you. This is something that you need to really sink in. If he does not work to fix this, you need to really consider leaving him... give it no more than 6 months. Why? Life is too short to suffer the emitional pain that this causes. 

And you want to model a happy, healthy mother for your child. If you are in a marriage, you want him to see what a good marriage look like. It will affect his entire life. What he's learning right now is not good.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

It’s time to give him the 2 card option and stick with it. Hand him 2 business cards. One is for a marriage/sex therapist and one is for a divorce lawyer. He gets 24 hours to decide. 

All I’m hearing from you is “I really want sex but he won’t do it” over and over again. We get it. There’s no magic button here. You both have to make a decision.
You could start divorce proceedings Monday and be trolling Tinder for sex in no time.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Blue123 said:


> I am a very sexual person and he’s not... he’s never been a very sexual person


You knew this is who he was but still you you both married each other. It's almost always that sex activity dips a bit after marriage, but logically thinking what did you expect to happen after you both settled into the day to day of married life?



Blue123 said:


> About two moths ago I walked in on him jerking off.


Nothing wrong with that per say but not if he's spending what precious sexual energy that should be reserved for you on himself




Blue123 said:


> my husbands over weight


Has he always been overweight or has this happened since you married? 

Look I'd just cut to through the BS. Marriage is about everything, love, security and yes sex. You seem to have everything else. Sex shouldn't be discounted as not as important as the other three.

Even if your husband was not that sexual, an asshat is still an asshat. Anyone who's asked for sex and replies "now?" like a scorned child needs an attitude adjustment. I fear though being straight with your husband will just put undue pressure on him to perform and he'll take the easy way out and pull back further.

The porn obviously has to go. Maybe schedule a night where it's not necessarily about penetration and two minutes of "hot" action but the lead up to the sex, exploring each other.

And yes, he needs to lose weight, not only for his health but also for that increased libido and energy.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Blue123 said:


> He has low testosterone but hasn't done anything to fix it... was prescribed meds but hasn't taken them...he also claims he's just not in the mood.. I have talked to him multiple times about it... I'm not one to beat around the bush or sugar coat how I feel. Some times I get the feeling he's intimidated by me... it's just the vibe I get. It's hard to believe I've gon with out sex for two years... the end of my pregnancy and the first few months postpartum I can understand,but nows the time we should be getting a quickie in the bathroom while he takes his nap... I'm stuck fantasizing about this stuff.


You can shoot him up with all the Testosterone you want, it AIN'T going to change the fact that he no longer sees you as a sexual being.

It's painfully obvious that the last time he touched you, you didn't 'look' pregnant as you were only 12 weeks along. Ever since then, he's wanted nothing to do with you sexually. 

This is more common than you realize.

But it's nothing YOU did.

I guess throwing him at a therapist and hoping for the best wouldn't hurt.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He isn't getting how serious this is for you. How about telling him that since he isn't willing to perform his husbandly duties that you expect him to contract it out. You want a list of candidates that he has vetted within a week and then you'll interview them. That might get through to him. If he says ok, file for divorce.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Blue123 said:


> So this is a bit graphic,but here goes.
> I’m 29yo and I have a son who’s 13 months. The last time my husband and I had sex I was 12 weeks pregnant. That’s almost 2 years ago... I am a very sexual person and he’s not... he’s never been a very sexual person but this has become ridiculous. About two moths ago I walked in on him jerking off. He was cumming when I walked in which kind of turned me on.... I thought about it all night and the next day.. I finally asked him for sex and his response was “now?” “Not now the games on.” I was pissed... I hate being rejected. He never touches me, he barely looks twice at me when I’m naked. I’m feeling like he’s too comfortable... I’m starting to find myself more and more horny... I fantasize about sex all the time... I want some penetration. I want to feel somebody on top of me... my husbands over weight so he’s never on top except when he’s getting it from behind.. when we do have sex it lasts for maybe a few minutes. I feel like he tries to get his nutt and continue on with the day. For me 2 years is way too long without sex!!! I maturbate ALOT!! Any chance I get. Mostly during showers. It’s the only time I get alone... I find that I have to take extra panties around with me because anything I think about can simply make me wet... sex is all I think about all the time... I have spoken to him about it. I’m starting to get depressed and sad because I NEED to be touched... just writing some of the details here makes me horny lol. He’s my best friend so getting a divorce would hurt. He’s also a great father and provider. He just bought me a brand new car for mother’s day and I couldn’t be more grateful. I love him to death I just don’t know how much longer I can go without sex... I don’t mean regular ol mishionary sex I’m at the point where I want to be sore at the end of it... it’s that serious....


*My Lord, @Blue123
~ You sound like every normal married man's dream!

Have you two sought sex therapy help? *


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

BobSimmons said:


> Blue123 said:
> 
> 
> > I am a very sexual person and he’s not... he’s never been a very sexual person
> ...


We were atleast having sex a few times a month and so I settled for that, everything took a drastic change after I had our son...we haven’t had sex since...
Him masturbating is never a problem with me. It’s normal. You are right though. If it takes away from our sex.. it’s a problem.
He has always been a big guy. His weight fluctuates. I will mention again to him the idea of seeing a therapist and see how far that gets us..


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> Blue123 said:
> 
> 
> > So this is a bit graphic,but here goes.
> ...


We haven’t seen a therapist yet, but I will mention it to him... I honestly thought It was rare for the woman to want sex more than the man ... it’s way more common than I thought....it’s definitely time for a change I can see divorce/ infidelity in our future if things stay the same... that’s very unfortunate because we are best friends so ending it over something so ‘simple’ as sex would be sad.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Mismatched sexual interests are a terrible problem in marriage. There are a bunch of thread on this problem on this site - but the sad conclusion is that these situations rarely get better.

Leave, Cheat, Live like a nun.

All those choices suck.

I chose "live like a monk". After 30 years, I think it was the wrong choice. I suggest you leave and find someone who will make you happy.


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Here is a link that might help you as it gives some resources http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html
> 
> Your husband has low T adn refuses to take his meds. This translates him not having any interest in sex with you. You might want to try to get him to marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. They know things that can help.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this advice it hits hard when it sinks in... I’m used to being attractive and sexy and with this going on I just don’t feel very attractive or sexy... that’s a part of my personality. I feel like this is making me feel slightly insecure about my sexuality and I don’t like it one bit...


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Mismatched sexual interests are a terrible problem in marriage. There are a bunch of thread on this problem on this site - but the sad conclusion is that these situations rarely get better.
> 
> Leave, Cheat, Live like a nun.
> 
> ...


Yeah just having the thought in my mind to leave makes me truly sad. I never want to take our son away from him as they are close. He’s a great father and provider. He’s give me his last in a minute as I too would for him. We make a good team but sex obviously is a major part in a successful marriage. I just wish he would help me help him. Every time we talk about it. He seems short and uncomfortable. I’m very open and straight forward but I feel like I make it worse when I mention it to him.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

How often do you leave the bay with someone and date or go away for the weekend, just the two of you?


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

anastasia6 said:


> How often do you leave the bay with someone and date or go away for the weekend, just the two of you?


I have never left him with anyone. I’m a stay at home mom. He’s with me all the time..


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Well that certainly doesn't help.

He needs to get out of daddy mode and you need to get out of mommy mode.

You guys need some time to just be yourself without child. If he can afford a car he can afford a babysitter. If he can't take the car back it will be better for your marriage and sex life


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Just a comment that I grew up in a loveless family. (not violent, not evil - but there was just no affection at all between my parents). It can affect children's views of what a good relationship is like (since my parents always told us how wonderful and happy their marriage was), and may be why I was so blind to the problems I was getting into in my marriage. 




Blue123 said:


> Yeah just having the thought in my mind to leave makes me truly sad. I never want to take our son away from him as they are close. He’s a great father and provider. He’s give me his last in a minute as I too would for him. We make a good team but sex obviously is a major part in a successful marriage. I just wish he would help me help him. Every time we talk about it. He seems short and uncomfortable. I’m very open and straight forward but I feel like I make it worse when I mention it to him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blue123 said:


> Thank you for this advice it hits hard when it sinks in... I’m used to being attractive and sexy and with this going on I just don’t feel very attractive or sexy... that’s a part of my personality. I feel like this is making me feel slightly insecure about my sexuality and I don’t like it one bit...


This is going to get worse over time. Your choice is to either let part of you die, or make a drastic move and leave him.

you can try counseling and sex therapy. But if that does not wake him up sexually, you have a choice to make.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

uhtred said:


> - but the sad conclusion is that these situations rarely get better.



In the situations were the couple have *good communication skills* and have *true genuine interest in the importance of their partners needs* a compromise can certainly
be found.

Unfortunately it is often that one or both partners lack one of these. In this case the refusal of him to see the therapist is telling. I think she has made it clear it is important to her.

Please don't cheat.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Personal said:


> Anyone who imposes celibacy upon their spouse, has no entitlement to sexual fidelity. If he won't have sex with you, feel free to replace him following dumping him or by going off reservation.



I actually agree with this line of thinking. It's been a while since I was around here but the countless threads of sad sacks who go seemingly for months or years without sex is ridiculous. I'd likely be the first, like you, to say then go get it somewhere else. A marriage without sex is just a friendship or a roommate situation. Fidelity is not part of those kinds of relationships.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Seek serious marital counseling and/or help for him. This is about the highest level of cruelty to communicate to your spouse "I don't want you", "I don't need you". I don't buy this is low T.... much more than that because he apparently is taking care of his needs on his own.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's very hard for some people to see the other side of this situation. They think that, for them, the sex isn't important (or even desired), that the marriage can be fine and whole without it, and assume that their spouse feels the same way. He's not feeling it and thinks that that must be OK for you, too.

This makes you a mismatch, since his definition of a reasonable marriage is not the same as yours. People often don't know this until they are married with children, and then it becomes an extremely difficult problem to navigate.

I think that you have the following options:

- You adjust and accept his preferences.

- He changes and accommodates your preferences.

- You divorce and look for someone you are more compatible with.

Whatever you do, though, you need to really discuss it and see if you can agree on how to address the differences between you. And fwiw, my spidey senses suggest that he has more of a sex life than you know about, even if it's just virtual. If it were me, I would try to do some fact-finding on this.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

If it's getting down to brass tacks, tell him you went on line for advice, and you got this for him.

To Blue123's husband,

I don't know you, I don't know your wife. What I DO know is you're heading for a world of heartache. You have a wife that WANTS to have a sexually intimate relationship, with YOU! Do you realize what a GIFT you have been given? There a countless men that would give anything to be in your shoes.

You need to hit the gym, lift weights and build up some testosterone.
Get a sitter, take your wife out to dinner and then screw her brains out. That is what SHE needs to feel connected to you.

OTHERWISE, she will get discouraged and divorce you. You are her husband, and you are NEGLECTING her needs.

Drop your **** and grab your socks! MAN UP!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm not convinced. Sometimes the gap is narrow enough to bridge, but sometimes it is just too wide. Peoples level of sexual desire seems to not be all that changeable. 





Mr.Married said:


> In the situations were the couple have *good communication skills* and have *true genuine interest in the importance of their partners needs* a compromise can certainly
> be found.
> 
> Unfortunately it is often that one or both partners lack one of these. In this case the refusal of him to see the therapist is telling. I think she has made it clear it is important to her.
> ...


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## careese (May 6, 2018)

This is ridiculous. Go out one night and get ****ed.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Blue123 said:


> Yeah just having the thought in my mind to leave makes me truly sad. I never want to take our son away from him as they are close. He’s a great father and provider.


You would not be ending your H's role as father if you divorce. Just ending his role as your H. Might well be better for your son than for you to stay married but unhappy. If your H is a great dad then he can continuing doing that after divorce.



> He’s give me his last in a minute as I too would for him. We make a good team but sex obviously is a major part in a successful marriage. I just wish he would help me help him. Every time we talk about it. He seems short and uncomfortable. I’m very open and straight forward but I feel like I make it worse when I mention it to him.


Yes, talking about it probably does make him uncomfortable, so he cuts the conversation short. Don't let him get away with that. Tell him "I know this makes you uncomfortable, and I wish we didn't have to do this. But I can't stay married without a decent sex life. So we can talk about sex with a therapist or we can talk about it with divorce lawyers. Your choice."


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I could be wrong but I just get the feeling there is something at the core here that is really underneath where maybe he doesn't even know consciously what his issue is or it's just being overlooked.

I think it's good for the vets here to give insight and recommendations but to be honest, until you see a sex therapist or get counseling together, the real issue is going to stay in the dark. Even if it doesn't work out, it's still very much worth it IMO to make the effort to do so and leave it all on the field before you call it a day.

His issue may not be solvable but I would like to have gone through everything within reason to prove that first.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Here's the thing about sex drive and attraction to certain individuals. It ain't never been or never will be something you can talk yourself into. Perhaps he could stop spanking his monkey and direct his desire toward his wife but that would probably only work on a limited basis. My observation is that sexual desire in not like the tuner on my diesel pickup where my wife can tell me to change the settings and have significantly more horsepower and torque. Aside from some health issue, you either got it or you don't. Folks who do got it pretty much places it as number one on their fun things to do list and are perfectly willing to turn off "the game" when to opportunity comes up. Moreover, it kind of the nature of some folks to not appreciate something because they believe it will always be available. Blue, your old man may be one of these types. 
Oftentimes, you have to push back against these attitudes. An effective way is to make the sluggard think somebody else is interested and he may have some competition. If you pursue these sites, you'll see these type guys admitting they ignored their wives, took their marriage for granted and are now zipping around like a hummingbird on steroids trying to save their marriage when they discover another man is lurking about. Your old man may just need this kind of a kick in the azz.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In most marriages where on spouse withholds sex, the issue is that the withholding sex harbors anger and resentment towards the other. Studies I've read puts the number at 70% to 80%. I heard this described as a passive aggressive way to punish their spouse. 

He can act like the greatest father & husband in all other things. The passive aggressive part is that when you complain about the lack of sex, it makes you the bad guy. He can say "I'm a great father & husband. All you care about it sex. I cannot help it if my libido is low (or whatever excuse he uses)." It's classic passive aggressive behavior.

You say that your husband does have low T. While that can lead to low libido it's no ok for him to not do everything he can to fix his health problem.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You are probably seeing the frustration of people who have put huge efforts into trying to resolve this sort of issue, and been strung along for years. 



One Eighty said:


> Oh. My. God! This has to be the worst advice I've ever seen on a site like this.
> 
> Suggesting an affair to resolve a problem in a marriage, really?!
> 
> ...


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

One Eighty said:


> Oh. My. God! This has to be the worst advice I've ever seen on a site like this.
> 
> Suggesting an affair to resolve a problem in a marriage, really?!
> 
> ...


The suggestion was to replace him AFTER dumping him. That's not cheating or infidelity. Well, okay, you are partially right, if "going off the reservation" recommends cheating. Best to dump their sorry ass, and move on, but I can't really blame someone if they've tried and been denied for jumping the gun ....


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Between low T and him spanking the monkey, he doesn't give his body time to build up that edge that makes him want his wife.

As @EleGirl said, he could be mad about something & withholding. (Nothing like shooting yourself in the foot)


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

One Eighty said:


> Personal said:
> 
> 
> > Anyone who imposes celibacy upon their spouse, has no entitlement to sexual fidelity. If he won't have sex with you, feel free to replace him following dumping him or by going off reservation.
> ...


Actually if more people premised their sexual relationships upon the following. Anyone who imposes celibacy upon their spouse, has no entitlement to sexual fidelity. Perhaps there would be less sexless or very limited sex sexual relationships/marriages.



One Eighty said:


> Suggesting an affair to resolve a problem in a marriage, really?!


I didn't suggest an affair as the first option, what I suggested was that she dump him, as in to divorce him.

Pending that since his imposition of celibacy upon her, forfeits his right to sexual fidelity. I think she would do well to remind him, that he has forfeited her obligation to afford him marital fidelity. And as a consequence of that she should feel free to seek sex elsewhere whether he likes that or not.

As to how she goes off reservation, that is entirely up to her.

Which is why I said go off reservation and did not explicitly encourage her to cheat on her husband at all. Since I feel it is perfectly reasonable to have sexual relationships that feature swinging, or are monogamish, polyamorous, or open.

Cheating on ones sexual partner by having sex with another or others, would be the last thing on my list of options. yet I figure his entitlement to marital sexual fidelity ended circa 12-18+ months ago so she should feel free to do as she pleases sexually.

Plus unless her husband is a shameless hypocrite, I would be surprised to find that he cared who she had sex with, after choosing not to have sex with her for circa 2 years!



One Eighty said:


> If she takes your advice she is going down a path that will likely end with serious heartbreak for her and her H and possibly her child growing up to have no respect for her.


If she takes my advice she will end her marriage with her husband, who has chosen not to have sex with her for circa two years. As to heartbreak, that's done and dusted when he decided to stop having sex with her.



One Eighty said:


> People in affairs get attached to the affair partner.


Some do, some don't.

There are lots of people who can have short term and even some long term sexual relationships. That have no problem ending such relationships, and then moving on to others without hanging on to the past.



One Eighty said:


> People in affairs get caught.


Some do, some don't.

That said since her husband has chosen not to have sex with her for circa two years, he has chosen to forfeit any entitlement to sexual fidelity from her.



One Eighty said:


> People in affairs, even if they don't get caught are miserable.


Sure there are plenty that are miserable, yet by the same token there are plenty that aren't.

There is no one size fits all in this. Some people really do feel comfortable going outside of their marriages for sex and are happy doing that.



One Eighty said:


> Why not deal with this like an adult. Talk about it, honestly openly and completely. Bring in a counselor if you need to. Maybe suggest an open marriage.


An open marriage! Really? :surprise:

Do you understand that an open marriage affords consent for ones spouse to "go off reservation"?

Do you understand that you have just encouraged Blue123 to "go off reservation" just as I have?

Do you understand that according to your own opinion, you have offered the worst advice you have ever seen on a site like this?



One Eighty said:


> If none of that works, then consider going your separate ways, honestly and openly. Not sneaking around in an affair. That is lowering yourself to a place you don't want to go. It is disrespecting your husband and child in ways that neither may ever be able to forgive.


Yep have them openly, that way you don't need to lie.



One Eighty said:


> You say he is your friend. Ha! with friends like that.....





Blue123 said:


> He’s my best friend so getting a divorce would hurt.





Blue123 said:


> I’m 29yo and I have a son who’s 13 months. The last time my husband and I had sex I was 12 weeks pregnant. That’s almost 2 years ago... I am a very sexual person and he’s not... he’s never been a very sexual person but this has become ridiculous.


I don't know about you, but I feel that a good or great spouse needs to be more than just a friend.

After imposing circa two years of marital celibacy upon his wife, her husband isn't much of a husband and may not be much of a friend either.

All of that said at the end of the day considering their sexual differences, I think their marriage was probably ill considered from the get-go.

:smile2:


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You can shoot him up with all the Testosterone you want, it AIN'T going to change the fact that *he no longer sees you as a sexual being.
> 
> It's painfully obvious that the last time he touched you, you didn't 'look' pregnant as you were only 12 weeks along. Ever since then, he's wanted nothing to do with you sexually.
> *
> This is more common than you realize.




This seems likely. You becoming a mom seems to have changed the way your husband perceives you.





Blue123 said:


> We were atleast having sex a few times a month and so I settled for that,* everything took a drastic change after I had our son...we haven’t had sex since..*.
> Him masturbating is never a problem with me. It’s normal. You are right though. *If it takes away from our sex.. *it’s a problem.
> *He has always been a big guy.* His weight fluctuates.



Again, the birth of your child changed your sex life; from little to none. 

The masturbating is definitely an issue. What sexual energy he has is being focused on masturbation.

Being significantly overweight is a factor in men having lower testosterone.



Blue123 said:


> Thank you for this advice it hits hard when it sinks in... I’m used to being attractive and sexy and with this going on I just don’t feel very attractive or sexy... that’s a part of my personality. I feel like this is making me feel slightly insecure about my sexuality and I don’t like it one bit...



Yes, your sense of femininity, desirability and being a sexual creature will continue to take a nosedive.

It's your husband's job to make you feel that way. If he continues to relate to you only on a platonic level, you will come to loathe yourself eventually, and imagine that no-one could ever want you.




CatholicDad said:


> Seek serious marital counseling and/or help for him. This is about the highest level of cruelty to communicate to your spouse "I don't want you", "I don't need you". *I don't buy this is low T.... much more than that because he apparently is taking care of his needs on his own.*



Although I don't think your husband has normal testosterone levels [you stated he has low T]; they _can't_ be all that low if he privately masturbates.




alte Dame said:


> And fwiw, my spidey senses suggest that he has more of a sex life than you know about, even if it's just virtual. If it were me, I would try to do some fact-finding on this.



I totally agree. @Blue123 is there anyway to access his phone/devices/pc/laptop, whatever, to see what he is watching. You guys don't seem to have especially good communication regarding sex, so I doubt he will be honest with you. It would be edifying for you to see what really "turns him on".


For instance, if he's jerking off to "schoolgirl" porn, well that kind of confirms that you becoming a mom has turned him off.

If he's jerking off to "MILF" porn, then it's not you being a mom; it's something else.


Anyone who masturbates has sufficient sexual energy to have intercourse with their spouse. He is simply choosing not to have sex with you.

Fix this now; don't let another 2 years go by.

Don't cheat. If worse comes to worse; an aboveboard, amicable divorce is by far the better option.

Hope it doesn't come to that and you guys can get this sorted out.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

One Eighty said:


> OP - No one is entitled to cheat, to expose their spouse to disease and metal devastation.


Actually Blue123 is entitled to cheat on her husband or not cheat on him as she pleases.

Anyway since her husband won't have sex with her, it is extremely unlikely she would ever expose him to any STD/I's at all if she had sex with others after informing him or instead cheating on him.

One thing for sure though, I'm with you on her not being entitled to expose her husband to any metal Devastation.






Although who know, maybe her husband might like some of that?


That said since my recommendation for her is to either dump/divorce her husband. Or to alternatively choose an/other sexual partner/s (go off reservation), while not keeping it a secret from him (which is not cheating). I can't help but find your apoplexy over what I have written somewhat bemusing. 

So given your response I wonder if your wife cheated on you, because you refused to have sex with your wife for a long period of time?

Oh and just for the record I see nothing wrong with a spouse choosing to sexually cheat on their spouse, if their spouse (while capable and present) has unilaterally and interminably decided to withhold sex from them.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Have you asked him about having an open relationship if he doesn't want to have sex? Either he might agree or wake him up.


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

One Eighty said:


> This:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


i understand what your talking about but I am a grown woman seeking advice. I have talked to him and am not getting very far with that. I am looking into other options. But for now it’s nice to know that someone out there has some advice.. now if I take that advice or not is up to me...


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

Volunteer86 said:


> Have you asked him about having an open relationship if he doesn't want to have sex? Either he might agree or wake him up.


I honestly don’t want an open relationship. I’d rather be having sex with my husband to be honest. It’s probably going to end in a divorce because he’s making no effort to change,and I refuse to live a life like this.


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

Thank you everyone for your advice on my post. The other day I asked my husband if he would try seeing a marriage specialist or sex therapist and his response was.. “ why?” I mentions again how I am not ok with the lack of sex in our marriage and he claimed he don’t see a problem. I honestly think he didn’t want to address it,but he knows there is a problem. I’m over it and am going to file for divorce... lately everything has been crumbling around me and it’s hard to make this decision but it has to be made because I can’t continue to live this miserable way... I’m irritated and annoyed all the time and that’s not the way I want to be around my son. Thanks again for the advice...


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Blue123 said:


> Thank you everyone for your advice on my post. The other day I asked my husband if he would try seeing a marriage specialist or sex therapist and his response was.. “ why?” I mentions again how I am not ok with the lack of sex in our marriage and he claimed he don’t see a problem. I honestly think he didn’t want to address it,but he knows there is a problem. I’m over it and am going to file for divorce... lately everything has been crumbling around me and it’s hard to make this decision but it has to be made because I can’t continue to live this miserable way... I’m irritated and annoyed all the time and that’s not the way I want to be around my son. Thanks again for the advice...


I know divorces can be stopped as well but any have you thought about a separation instead of a divorce to start off with?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Good luck 

I think you need to make a clean and complete break with him.

Sadly he shows no concern for your feelings. I wasn’t going to write anything while you were still trying to find your way to a resolution which made this match “work out” because, unfortunately, I just didn’t see anything in what you wrote which indicates your soon to be ex husband cares about you. 

He gave you a car? Big whoop. It doesn’t mean love. It just means here’s a toy now go away and stop bothering me. 

Good luck in your new adventure


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Blue123 said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you everyone for your advice on my post. The other day I asked my husband if he would try seeing a marriage specialist or sex therapist and his response was.. “ why?” I mentions again how I am not ok with the lack of sex in our marriage and he claimed he don’t see a problem. I honestly think he didn’t want to address it,but he knows there is a problem. I’m over it and am going to file for divorce... lately everything has been crumbling around me and it’s hard to make this decision but it has to be made because I can’t continue to live this miserable way... I’m irritated and annoyed all the time and that’s not the way I want to be around my son. Thanks again for the advice...
> ...


I think I want to end it once and for all. I don’t want to separate and feel like since we are still married I can’t date or anything else... I don’t want that holding me back... I’m in no rush to date, but if it came to it. I want to be open and free.


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

One Eighty said:


> Blue123 said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you everyone for your advice on my post. The other day I asked my husband if he would try seeing a marriage specialist or sex therapist and his response was.. “ why?” I mentions again how I am not ok with the lack of sex in our marriage and he claimed he don’t see a problem. I honestly think he didn’t want to address it,but he knows there is a problem. I’m over it and am going to file for divorce... lately everything has been crumbling around me and it’s hard to make this decision but it has to be made because I can’t continue to live this miserable way... I’m irritated and annoyed all the time and that’s not the way I want to be around my son. Thanks again for the advice...
> ...


Thank you. I think it will be best in the end.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Blue123 said:


> I think I want to end it once and for all. I don’t want to separate and feel like since we are still married I can’t date or anything else... I don’t want that holding me back... I’m in no rush to date, but if it came to it. I want to be open and free.


If the divorce (filing) scares him 'straight' are you open to that?


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

So, to recap here....You haven't had sex for about 2 years? You caught him fapping, but he did not want sex with you later. Then, you address the problem by asking him outright and he just gives you the "meh" and thinks all is well....

You are the live in maid, not the loved and cherished wife. Hell, a dry spell in my life is like 2-3 weeks without sex. And thats with 2 kids and a hectic life. I think you two are really not in sync. Also, communication between you two sounds very one sided....


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> Good luck
> 
> I think you need to make a clean and complete break with him.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I too took the car thing as a cover up. Something he thought would make me happy. And to keep me quiet. There is more that I didn’t quite explain here,but it all boils down to one thing.... he dosnt care and he’s being selfish. I feel it’s the best choice for us... before I file I’d like to get on my feet so that I will have a place to go when the time comes. I’m currently a stay at home mom so it’s time for me to go back to work to get on my feet for my sons sake. Thanks again.


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Blue123 said:
> 
> 
> > I think I want to end it once and for all. I don’t want to separate and feel like since we are still married I can’t date or anything else... I don’t want that holding me back... I’m in no rush to date, but if it came to it. I want to be open and free.
> ...


Yes. As long as it’s not a temporary thing. I don’t want Him scared straight for a month and then fall back into the same ways...


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Blue123 said:


> Thank you everyone for your advice on my post. The other day I asked my husband if he would try seeing a marriage specialist or sex therapist and his response was.. “ why?” I mentions again how I am not ok with the lack of sex in our marriage and he claimed he don’t see a problem. I honestly think he didn’t want to address it,but he knows there is a problem. I’m over it and am going to file for divorce... lately everything has been crumbling around me and it’s hard to make this decision but it has to be made because I can’t continue to live this miserable way... I’m irritated and annoyed all the time and that’s not the way I want to be around my son. Thanks again for the advice...


I think you’re doing the right thing. I will never understand spouses that can’t or won’t communicate with each other. Even when I was at my lowest and absolutely despised sex, I was still communicating with my husband and trying to fix things.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Blue123 said:


> Yes. As long as it’s not a temporary thing. I don’t want Him scared straight for a month and then fall back into the same ways...


I agree! Forgive me but some of this stuff just 'triggers' me to certain emotions. When I see any marriage on the way out, especially one with young kids I picture myself. He's not doing what he needs to do to save it but what is maddening to me is that I cannot figure out for the life of me why!

I have been frustrated about my sex life for years but made a conscious decision 3 years ago that I valued being together with my 'partner' and my kids and the things that went with that along with infrequent sex more than having frequent sex. I made that decision and I stuck to it. That's why it hurt so bad to have my STBXW use that against me now. She blames me for not trying, that I didn't make her feel wanted, etc. But in reality, she would turn me down and I would just ball up the resentment and give up for a month and try again next month until one month became 1 or 3 and still got rejected. I had her tell me how she wish isn't wasn't so important to marriage and that she could go years without it. Now she pretty much told me she either never said that, lied or was just saying that because she wasn't attracted to me. She sure as heck is intimate or wants intimacy now with her 'soulmate'. 

All I ever wanted was more intimacy with her and now she give it to someone else and on top of it, pretty much blames me for not doing enough to initiate. Live and learn I suppose but with a few battle scars now.


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> So, to recap here....You haven't had sex for about 2 years? You caught him fapping, but he did not want sex with you later. Then, you address the problem by asking him outright and he just gives you the "meh" and thinks all is well....
> 
> You are the live in maid, not the loved and cherished wife. Hell, a dry spell in my life is like 2-3 weeks without sex. And thats with 2 kids and a hectic life. I think you two are really not in sync. Also, communication between you two sounds very one sided....


This is exactly right. I’m always very verbal about my wants and needs. And if I’m unhappy I tell him. I think sometimes I’m too honest, but he knew that going in to this marriage. I recommended marriage counseling because I felt like he needs to learn to communicate with me. I know I need to learn how to communicate better as far as not just being so blunt about everything. I can’t help it. I feel like he wouldn’t know how I felt if I didn’t tell him... sometimes I can be a little harsh and I may say things I don’t mean,but honestly most of my frustration and *****ing is from the lack of sex in this marriage. I’m just done. Life is too short to be unhappy. My sons my first priority. For him I’d do anything so protecting him from a life of lies is my first step...


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Blue123 said:
> 
> 
> > Yes. As long as it’s not a temporary thing. I don’t want Him scared straight for a month and then fall back into the same ways...
> ...


This brings tears to my eyes I’m sorry you had to go through this. It saddens me that people can be this way... just be honest!!! That’s how I feel. When I spoke to him about counseling and asked why we didn’t have more sex he said it was because WE had a baby and there was no time to do it.... he makes an excuse for everything... there is plenty of time to do it believe me! He lays around like a lump on a log and feels since he works and provides he dosnt have to do anything else.. He hasn’t said this, but this is how I see it...we have been having an issue with our dog lately and it’s another thing to be worrying about for me.. I’m starting to feel like everything is falling on me...it’s very frustrating to say the least. Sorry to vent this out to you, it’s sort of a trigger for me too because for someone to stay silent and withhold information pertaining to their feelings of unhappiness. Gets under my skin... my husband knows exactly how I feel and I have said to him “ I’m not happy in this situation” he seems to care at the moment but make zero effort to change... I’m starting to sound like a broken record. I refuse to be happy and I hope you find what makes you happy.


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## Blue123 (May 4, 2018)

Blue123 said:


> stillfightingforus said:
> 
> 
> > Blue123 said:
> ...


 I meant I refuse to unhappy...


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Blue123 said:


> I meant I refuse to unhappy...


Thank you! I honestly still do hope you husband changes and changes for good when he is confronted with the Divorce. If even that doesn't wake him up, you did all that you could and I know you will eventually find your happiness as well, something/someone that compliments you as a Mother AND Wife!


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Blue123 said:


> Thank you for your advice. I completely agree. It’s easier said than done. I wouldn’t know where to start looking for someone to replace him with sexually. It also feels a lot more complicated now that we have a child together. I just wish he would just have sex with me... I have never gone through this in any relationship. Iv also never been with anyone this long either so I don’t know... it’s nice to have a place to vent this out.


You could push the issue by telling him straight that if he doesn't show you some real affection then you will go online and find a FWB or FB for that part of your life, although in all likely hood once you again find out what a real relationship is like you will leave anyway.

Having spent 20 years married to someone who at the end casually stated that intimacy had never been important to her and I was just selfish for wanting it when she wasn't interested I have no sympathy for someone who will look another person in the face and vow to be their partner for life knowing they are really not interested in that kind of relationship. It's not a popular opinion round here but I don't think he has any right to expect you to stay faithful. Being friends is not a reason to stay with someone, nor is a new car. 

I understand how degrading it is having to beg your partner and still get rejected. I stopped begging and then emotionally checked out of the relationship. You need to sort this out now or move on, you deserve better and you only get one shot at life. Make it a happy one. You aren't being selfish. You will be a better mother as a happy person and you will not be setting a dreadful example of marriage to your children. Whether they admit it or not they look to you as a role model, you need to set them an example that you'd want them to follow.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Blue123 said:


> We haven’t seen a therapist yet, but I will mention it to him... I honestly thought It was rare for the woman to want sex more than the man ... it’s way more common than I thought....it’s definitely time for a change I can see divorce/ infidelity in our future if things stay the same... that’s very unfortunate because we are best friends so ending it over something so ‘simple’ as sex would be sad.


It is way more common than people think and I think it is worse for a woman. A husband who is not "getting any" will get sympathy from his friends, everyone has heard all the "my wife isn't interested" jokes but when it's a woman people will assume that she is at fault as all men want sex all day and every day. 

That stereo type is simply not true and you need to remember that it's not your fault.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

One Eighty said:


> In this case it isn't even a revenge affair being considered. Just garden variety selfish behavior justified by an exaggerated sense of entitlement. She claims to care for this person. Yet just a casual look at the infidelity section would be all that is needed to illuminate for her how devastating this would be for her husband.


You underestimate how devastating it is for the rejected spouse. It is emotional abuse on his part.



One Eighty said:


> OP - No one is entitled to cheat, *to expose their spouse to disease and metal devastation*. Put on your big girl pants and talk to him. Divorce him. Whatever. Just do yourself and your family a favor by not going down the road encouraged here. Most likely, you will regret that as one of the worst things you did to yourself as well as to him.


It would be difficult to expose him to disease when he doesn't have sex with her and he doesn't seem that bothered about the mental effect he's having on her.

On the other hand if it gets her out of a miserable situation and into a better one it could be one of the best things she did for herself. I can attest to that being the case for me.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

WonkyNinja said:


> but when it's a woman people will assume that she is at fault as all men want sex all day and every day.
> 
> That stereo type is simply not true and you need to remember that it's not your fault.


Its not a stereotype. If a woman starts telling people she ain't getting enough at home, any number of men, including the husband's friends will start circling her like buzzard after a carcass. If she does tell her friends, rest assured the last thing they are going to do is tell their husbands, "Honey, Steve ain't taking care of Betty and she's horny as a sack of toads"


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

IMO, a husband will only behave this way if getting "it" somewhere else (most commonly porn and masturbation). Men, even "low T" will be breathing fire after a week or two without sex. Proudly P & M free here and I would cheat death, fight, or steal for my next marital encounter.... porn has destroyed men, IMO.

... maybe not cheat death but you get the idea...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> Its not a stereotype. If a woman starts telling people she ain't getting enough at home, any number of men, including the husband's friends will start circling her like buzzard after a carcass. If she does tell her friends, rest assured the last thing they are going to do is tell their husbands, "Honey, Steve ain't taking care of Betty and she's horny as a sack of toads"


My wife has told me about a few of her married female friends who have complained that they aren't getting any. Yet I've never considered that an opportunity for me to have at them.

Funnily enough after having sex with my wife she sometimes tells me, that I should consider servicing other women who have a mediocre sex life or aren't getting any. That said after more than two decades of hearing that suggestion, I've never thought she really wants me to do that.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

CatholicDad said:


> IMO, a husband will only behave this way if getting "it" somewhere else (most commonly porn and masturbation). Men, even "low T" will be breathing fire after a week or two without sex. Proudly P & M free here and I would cheat death, fight, or steal for my next marital encounter.... porn has destroyed men, IMO.
> 
> ... maybe not cheat death but you get the idea...


What I find bemusing is the fact that you zealously rail against masturbation, all while your wife chooses to barely ever has sex with you.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Personal said:


> Funnily enough after having sex with my wife she sometimes tells me, that I should consider servicing other women who have a mediocre sex life or aren't getting any.


:allhail:


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Gtfo


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

My wife and I are extremely busy people with kids age 22 to infant. So I rail against porn... you got a problem with that? Why do you defend it... do you just really love it?


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

You sound just like me! It hasnt been 2 years but I totally get the being horny and thinking about sex all the time. 😫


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Unfortunately you posted this and not your husband... We can all help a poster who wants to change but no one can change other people. 

He clearly uses porn/masturbation as his sexual release. If he is overweight and not active then there is a strong chance he also has low testosterone which means his masturbation is enough to satiate his sexual desires long enough for the next jerk session. Meanwhile he has a wet wife waiting for him... pretty sad. As sexy as you might be to your husband (if he didnt have a porn addiction) it is hard for him to see through the dopamine fog he is getting with these porn stars in perfect lighting and make up.

Also, TV is the worst past time. Sitcoms, Drama, Sports.. anything.. its all a waste of time. Name me one show, or episode from 2+ years ago that you still remember today, or more importantly, one that improved your life in any way... Unless its a documentary or something you will not be able to. My stance... if you don't play the sport at least once a week then stop watching it so often.

A divorce request (have the papers ready.. not just some threat) might wake your husband up.
You can ask for anything you want at that point but make sure he quits his porn/masterbation. Takes 90 days to overcome a habit like that. Also, do not judge him by the first few weeks as people will immediately change only to slide back into their old self.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I agree with Steve2.0. Porn is the great husband libido killer. Young men can get away with it {maybe} but eventually there's nothing left of a man's drive for his wife. His body and mind get reprogrammed for a different stimulus.

I think spouses should get 100% of each other's sexuality... anything less is a sad shame and a lie. I don't see how a man can play with himself with images of others and NOT call it infidelity. Oh well, it's a crazy world.


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## Clockwork (May 2, 2018)

Blue123 said:


> So this is a bit graphic,but here goes.
> I’m 29yo and I have a son who’s 13 months. The last time my husband and I had sex I was 12 weeks pregnant. That’s almost 2 years ago... I am a very sexual person and he’s not... he’s never been a very sexual person but this has become ridiculous. About two moths ago I walked in on him jerking off. He was cumming when I walked in which kind of turned me on.... I thought about it all night and the next day.. I finally asked him for sex and his response was “now?” “Not now the games on.” I was pissed... I hate being rejected. He never touches me, he barely looks twice at me when I’m naked. I’m feeling like he’s too comfortable... I’m starting to find myself more and more horny... I fantasize about sex all the time... I want some penetration. I want to feel somebody on top of me... my husbands over weight so he’s never on top except when he’s getting it from behind.. when we do have sex it lasts for maybe a few minutes. I feel like he tries to get his nutt and continue on with the day. For me 2 years is way too long without sex!!! I maturbate ALOT!! Any chance I get. Mostly during showers. It’s the only time I get alone... I find that I have to take extra panties around with me because anything I think about can simply make me wet... sex is all I think about all the time... I have spoken to him about it. I’m starting to get depressed and sad because I NEED to be touched... just writing some of the details here makes me horny lol. He’s my best friend so getting a divorce would hurt. He’s also a great father and provider. He just bought me a brand new car for mother’s day and I couldn’t be more grateful. I love him to death I just don’t know how much longer I can go without sex... I don’t mean regular ol mishionary sex I’m at the point where I want to be sore at the end of it... it’s that serious....


I don't blame you. Your husband is bizarre. Look, my wife's pregnancies unleashed an animal inside of me that I have never forgotten. There is something oddly sexy about a pregnant woman that YOU impregnated. We had sex as recent as 8 hours before my daughter was born. Obviously it sped up the process but I wanted one more chance of "free sex" of not pulling out. Basically we had as much, if not more sex when she was pregnant. 

Also, my wife and I are sports fans. I have never told her "wait until the game is over". Why? Because this is a common thing we've done. If it is halftime at a football game we'll go upstairs. If it is intermission in a hockey game we are watching we'll go upstairs. I won't need more than 15 minutes because if we are doing this then I am very horny. There is ways to work around having sex while a game is on. We always do it. 

Lastly, be honest with your husband. He knows he hasn't had sex with you either but tell him you want it and want it often. Two things are possible with this situation of yours. He is getting is somewhere else or he is not attracted to you anymore because of changes that may have happened. I never watched my kids being born, I was in the room but I never watched it. Some guys have done this and it changes their perspective of their wife's vagina. I don't know, I am just bouncing off ideas. But either way, if he has a wife who is willing and able to do it and he is choosing to masturbate instead then that is a big problem. So confront him.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

CatholicDad said:


> I agree with Steve2.0. Porn is the great husband libido killer. Young men can get away with it {maybe} but eventually there's nothing left of a man's drive for his wife. His body and mind get reprogrammed for a different stimulus.
> 
> I think spouses should get 100% of each other's sexuality... anything less is a sad shame and a lie. I don't see how a man can play with himself with images of others and NOT call it infidelity. Oh well, it's a crazy world.


In a few months I will be 47 years old and have no problem saying I have variously viewed pornography throughout my adult life. Now there have been plenty of occasions I haven't viewed it (not for any particular reason except for being busy doing other things), and the amount varies when I do view it.

I also masturbate frequently with or without viewing pornography normally once daily, though I will frequently do it twice daily as well. Yet without difficulty I still manage to share sex with my wife at 4-6x a week and often more, with no loss of libido or drive. In fact on the occasions when we are having lots of sex and do it 2-3x a day (which is a weekend or time off thing) I find I also masturbate 3-2x a day respectively on those occasions. So the more sex I have the more often I masturbate, the less sex I have the less often I masturbate.

Now of course as I get older my ability to perform will no doubt wane over time. Yet I have found that not feeling guilty about it, while also not thinking masturbating and viewing pornography is wrong or a problem, sees that it isn't and has never been a problem for me at all since I don't suffer from any anxiety issues over it.

All of that said you would do well to not mistake viewing pornography, for causing a loss of libido or erectile disfunction. When a loss of desire for one's partner is likely to be caused by a loss of attraction and or resentment, dislike or boredom of and with them. While erectile disfunction is more likely as a result of a physical problem that is health and or age related or an issue of anxiety or depression.

Having problems with porn is more likely to be as a consequence of feeling shame, guilt and fear from viewing the same. If there is no shame and guilt associated with it and the fear of being found out, pornography is highly likely to not be a problem. So it's not the porn in and of itself, it's how one thinks about it that is likely to be an issue.

In earlier posts you have said that you seldom get much sex at all from your wife and it has been the case for a long time. While you also asserted that you do not ever masturbate. To me that looks like you have a low sexual libido. Since as someone who has a higher sexual libido, there is no way I would volunteer for a sexual drought as you have.

Seriously if you won't masturbate and your wife mostly won't have sex with you, and you stick it out with her. Your behaviour is that of someone who evidently has a low sexual libido. I mean really how do you know if you can perform for your wife or anyone, when you never masturbate at all and you go months through years without having sex with your wife?

And on the schtick about being so busy with your lives, that you and your wife don't have time for sex. I don't buy it, since if you both wanted to share sex together you would both find a way.

My wife and I have very busy lives as well, yet we still have always managed to share plenty of enthusiastic sex with each other through 19 years of marriage. Inclusive of having sex with each other since our third date close to 22 years ago, from way back when she first asked me out on a date.

At the end of the day if what you claimed were true about pornography. I wouldn't be having a kaleidoscope of very frequent sex with my wife after almost 22 years, all while viewing porn and masturbating frequently with no problems at my age. Yet I am doing and having exactly that, which proves that your claims regarding porn and masturbation are ridiculous.

@Blue123's issue with her husband is more than likely to be an issue of him wanting to punish her passive aggressively, rather than as a consequence of pornography and or masturbation. As a consequence of that, she would do well to dump him and then replace him. Or if she wants to punish him reciprocally she might consider replacing him, then telling him about it as she dumps him.

Oh and for the record @CatholicDad you would also do well to dump and replace your wife, if you both won't resolve the fact your wife is loathe to have sex with you.

That said make no mistake, if someone stays in a sexless or very limited sex nominally sexual relationship. They are a volunteer in that relationship and being sexless or virtually sexless becomes their responsibility for choosing to stay in that relationship.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Hey Personal, you must be feeling guilty since you just wrote a book defending your porn use.

I bet your wife is proud of your porn... you're quite a tiger aren't you?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

You can take ma pron from ma cold ded hands!!!


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

CatholicDad said:


> Hey Personal, you must be feeling guilty since you just wrote a book defending your porn use.


Me guilty? :rofl::rofl::rofl:

Nah, I'm not Catholic and never have been.



CatholicDad said:


> I bet your wife is proud of your porn... you're quite a tiger aren't you?


My wife seems to like it, or at the very least she is a good sport about it. Since together we have posted various sexually explicit and pornographic pictures of her, on a website for such things.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

OP, I hope you'll investigate hubby's porn use.

The fact of the matter is that it is now being sited as a reason in a large percentage of divorces. In addition, my son was warned about it when he attended orientation at a public university. The quick and limitless availability of it is hurting men. Porn addiction can be cured.

Personal, there is nothing honorable, truthful, or good about spending time in the fantasy world of porn. I hope you will instead work towards making this world a better place.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Blue123 said:


> I have never left him with anyone. I’m a stay at home mom. He’s with me all the time..


I'm skipping three pages to quote this and tell you this is part of your problem. If you are not willing to have a babysitter it is hard for me to have any sympathy.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Ah, not that I have caught up....I'm glad you are leaving. I wasted nearly 2 decades hoping a man like your husband would change. They never do.

No. They don't.

Glad you are smarter than me. I was in my mid forties almost before I had the guts.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

CatholicDad said:


> OP, I hope you'll investigate hubby's porn use.
> 
> The fact of the matter is that it is now being sited as a reason in a large percentage of divorces. In addition, my son was warned about it when he attended orientation at a public university. The quick and limitless availability of it is hurting men. Porn addiction can be cured.
> 
> Personal, there is nothing honorable, truthful, or good about spending time in the fantasy world of porn. I hope you will instead work towards making this world a better place.


CD, not everyone that views porn is an addict. When my XW wasn't putting out, I'd view porn. It became quite regularly, because I was regularly rejected. I'd always wait for her to reject me first though and then I'd go take care of myself. She is my XW because she was getting the sex elsewhere, not b/c of my porn use. I don't use it much anymore, cause now I crush it and have a healthy sex life, so no need.

Point is porn isn't bad per say, if you are still able to please your partner, maintaining a healthy sex life and your partner doesn't have a hangup about you watching it (some do, some don't), then whats the issue? The only time its a problem IMO, is when they reject their partner because they'd rather fap.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

ODW, no offense, but maybe your wife strayed because you had unrealistic expectations about sex (learned from porn), or perhaps she didn't enjoy being with a man who just wanted to recreate his porn fantasies with her... and perhaps wasn't fully passionate because he was satisfying himself on the side.

I really don't mean to be offensive. I'd be hurt if tables were turned and my beloved wife had fantasy or real lovers on the side.

You say porn doesn't hurt anyone. I'm less sensitive than 90% of women but I'd be hurt if my wife was masturbating to images of other men.... I'd be destroyed. I mean, I know other men may be more attractive and sexier than me... but that doesn't mean I wouldnt be hurt if she "needed" them so badly.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Unfortunately I can relate to a lot of this. I'm tired of not being wanted. Like you I love being married, etc but sometimes you need a break from being a "good girl". It's sad when you remember just random guys that made you feel wanted sexually and you can't even get that feeling from your husband.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CatholicDad said:


> Hey Personal, you must be feeling guilty since you just wrote a book defending your porn use.
> 
> I bet your wife is proud of your porn... you're quite a tiger aren't you?


Not a porn advocate for religious reasons but I very much agree with his concepts and his methodical breakdown was a well thought out response with years of practical experience at it's foundation.

His wife likes him just fine BTW.

I am very HD myself and MB at least 2x a day and if I have sex, I still MB.

I do so to a variety of fantasies and images in my mind, some of which involve Mrs. Conan.

I stop short of imaging an actual person but have no problems with libido for my wife.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

JustTheWife said:


> Unfortunately I can relate to a lot of this. I'm tired of not being wanted. Like you I love being married, etc but sometimes you need a break from being a "good girl". It's sad when you remember just random guys that made you feel wanted sexually and you can't even get that feeling from your husband.


It is even more sad you have never brought your husband in on this conversation and kept him intentionally clueless giving him no opportunity to remedy the situation and doing nothing about it yourself.

You certainly are to blame in totality for your situation and your husband is 100% innocent and takes no blame for the situation you are in.

It is very silly to hear you are tired of the scenario you alone have engineered.

You are complaining about yourself here.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> It is even more sad you have never brought your husband in on this conversation and kept him intentionally clueless giving him no opportunity to remedy the situation and doing nothing about it yourself.
> 
> You certainly are to blame in totality for your situation and your husband is 100% innocent and takes no blame for the situation you are in.
> 
> ...


I don't want to hijack someone else's thread but what you say is not true at all. Over the last weeks i have tried and it was a failure.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Between low T and him spanking the monkey, he doesn't give his body time to build up that edge that makes him want his wife.
> 
> As @EleGirl said, he could be mad about something & withholding. (Nothing like shooting yourself in the foot)


Could be more of a porn addiction than a low T issue. Worst case he takes HRT, uses porn 2 to 3 times more than he does currently and still not want to have sex with his wife.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Personal said:


> Oh and just for the record I see nothing wrong with a spouse choosing to sexually cheat on their spouse, if their spouse (while capable and present) has unilaterally and interminably decided to withhold sex from them.


While I'm sympathetic to this line of thinking, in the end I think it's the wrong course of action to take IMHO. The issue you have is that all of this is relative. I read on another thread about an oversexed wife who looked for a ONS because her husband refused to have sex with her one night - despite them having sex 6 - 9 times a week every week. Something like this could be 'justifiable' when the sex life is of an extreme nature - like zero sex in 2 years when both partners are fully capable of having it. It gets a whole lot more tricky when someone feels sexually starved at getting it only twice a week or feeling put out because their partner wants sex "all the time" - like 1 time per week...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@Plan 9 from OS, that's why I used the word interminably (endless or apparently endless).


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)




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## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

That is a seriously long time... Also... if he can jack off, he obviously is not having some sort of libido issue.


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## SkiLifer (Jun 3, 2018)

I hope this worked out for you. Sorry it's been so rough


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> CatholicDad said:
> 
> 
> > Hey Personal, you must be feeling guilty since you just wrote a book defending your porn use.
> ...


So porn is against your religion but MB is just fine? Ridiculous.

Another argument that a man who MBs can have just as much desire for his wife as a man who doesn't... Again ridiculous.

Further, how could any wife really respect a man who spends his free time MBing? Tolerate it, yes. Respect it, no.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

CatholicDad said:


> ODW, no offense, but maybe your wife strayed because you had unrealistic expectations about sex (learned from porn), or perhaps she didn't enjoy being with a man who just wanted to recreate his porn fantasies with her... and perhaps wasn't fully passionate because he was satisfying himself on the side.
> 
> I really don't mean to be offensive. I'd be hurt if tables were turned and my beloved wife had fantasy or real lovers on the side.
> 
> You say porn doesn't hurt anyone. I'm less sensitive than 90% of women but I'd be hurt if my wife was masturbating to images of other men.... I'd be destroyed. I mean, I know other men may be more attractive and sexier than me... but that doesn't mean I wouldnt be hurt if she "needed" them so badly.


Ha! Nice projection there. My XW made it clear from the get go that she didn't mind me watching porn. She did it too sometimes. I could have cared less unless she turned me down because she got off. Which is my point. My porn was a case of her failing to satisfy my needs, which is almost as bad as cheating. 

Now that she is gone, I'm getting it regular and keep my lady very satisfied and she keeps me satisfied. I dont need porn anymore.

I dont know maybe this crusade against porn is because you feel inadequate compared to the men on screen. No offense of anything...


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Blue123,
I am glad for you that you have chosen to leave the marriage in an honest way.

When someone cheats it becomes part of their history, and it never changes.

It's like a case of herpes. Some people will be ok with it, others will be put off by it. 

Even though cheating for you might have been a "one off" poor decision that you would never do again.

I just think you reserve for yourself a greater potential for happiness.

Be well!


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

I, too, got out of a marriage where sex was sparse and disconnected (2 minutes from the back in bed). It was a terrible ending as I had three children with the man - my only children. 

Yet, some years later, he remarried and seemed to be ecstatically happy with her. Which I was glad for him - and her - that happened.

But going without sex was maddening. And not talking about it was even worse. You sound just like me - blunt, out in the open, this is bothering me, let's do something about it. Nine years of sporadic sex. If it had been 2 years of NO SEX, I'd have been out of there way sooner. He wouldn't go to counseling, wouldn't do anything about it. I was VERY young, then - 25. It was a miracle we had three children together. 

It wasn't like that when we were dating. We had sex all the time then. I had no clue things would turn into the trickle that it did. He wasn't overweight, he was VERY heterosexual and I never noticed that he was masturbating...but I was really young then and didn't know much about men and masturbation so I wouldn't have even thought to ask about it. I just thought there was something wrong where he wasn't attracted to me in particular. I'm not ugly but sometimes people aren't into the other. 

There was nothing wrong with him - this was waaaaay before internet and before internet porn...I don't know what the heck it was about. I never figured it out and he never told me. I do think there was something that can out after we decided to split about his parents divorcing and their unhappy life and some abusive parenting - but his doctor told him that psychologists did more harm than good so he wouldn't even seen a psychologist - even though he, himself, was a psychology major. SOOOOO weird. 

I just know that when I got out of that, I had sex, sex, sex. OTHER men found me very sexually attractive so whatever happened there, I never figured it out. He passed away over 20 years ago now so if there was some information about it that I would be curious about, I'll never know. 

I swore that I would love some one guy for the rest of my life or I'd have a different guy as often as I wanted for the rest of my life as long as I never had to go without sex again like that. It was torture. 

One thing I can tell you is that your thread and posts have made me feel *normal*. I have carried around the remnants of that marriage experience for quite awhile, feeling like I was a bit of a freak for having such a strong sex drive. But I met my present husband 28 years ago and he's a sex fiend like me and I just love it. He will do whatever it takes through thick and thin, through highs and lows, to connect with me sexually. BOTH of us are very grateful for the other. We know we could be in terrible sex partner situations as we both have been in the past. So, we don't take our sex life for granted.

I'm terribly sorry for you getting in the position to do what you are planning. I hope there is some miracle that befalls you and your husband.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Dear Blue sorry about your problem. Obviously, counseling is needed but from everything you have said its either time to leave or you will have to take control of things. He has no interest in changing the current situation. I'm sure he suffers from his own issues but it is time something changes


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blue123 said:


> Don’t I wish!! I’m the type to have sex in the car... he’s not like that.. we have never had sex in the car, shower, kitchen living room or anything other than the bedroom in the bed. It’s boring but that’s HIS comfort I have been trying to spice things up. Once he tried to do something I asked,but it felt awkward,and it ruined the mood. I like being spanked and choked and talked dirty to and he’s not like that... that’s where I think We clash.


A lot of men wouldn't want to be violent towards their spouse.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Yes i think about it all the time too. All kinds of weird fantasies. Too little satisfaction.


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## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Tell him his cum belongs to you, and he damn well better not waste it jacking off.
> 
> If you have tried talk to him and it goes nowhere, I would recommend setting up a session with a MC.
> 
> ...


Did it work?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Jharp said:


> Did it work?


yeah, we are on a weekly schedule. We did go as long as 11 months without. Once my youngest got his drivers license so he could come visit me if she got custody, she lost her bargaining chips. 

I told her we were gonna address the issues or I would file. I had never threatened that before. And when I told her I was calm, made the statement & went about my day.

Had she said NO to talking to MC, I would have been parked outside attorney's office the next business day waiting for them to open. I was NOT bluffing.

I put in a lot of prayer before hand, and when we had the discussion, I already knew what she was gonna say. I don't want to threadjack, long/short answer Yes it worked.


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