# Just so burnt out



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I never thought it would happen. I never thought I would ever get sick of these juicy threads, or ever get sick of checking my wife's messages, wondering if she's talking to the OM again, etc, etc.

I liked being the sleuth, and one of the fixers around CWI. Liked both of those things for a long time. Hung on to "trust but verify" for over almost 2 1/2 years now.

But now, I've gotten to the point where I don't even care. There have been no signs my wife has found new ways to contact the OM, no suspicious behavior. And while I surely don't want her to cheat on me, I'm really to the point where I don't care if she has found some way to surreptitiously exchanges an occasional message with him. No more fight left in this dog.

There have been some things she's said, subtle things, that say she's closed this chapter too. I think she's done fighting for the right to hang on to her "friend" as well.

And when I come on here to see if there are any interesting threads I can help with, I look at them and think I could literally hand them all the same piece of paper with everything they need to know. It applies to everyone. Most of the stories are exactly the same.

I'll still lurk from time to time to see what some of the veteran posters are up to, maybe check on some old stories that became part of me. Otherwise, that's about it.

Anyone else get to this point in their infidelity "journey"?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I totally feel the same way about TAM.

But I am not sure I feel the same way about my husband. I have pretty much stopped snooping but not because I don't care. We're stupidly happy now, it's almost embarrassing, and I just don't feel the need.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I'm sick of keeping an eye on my husband. If he cheats again so be it but he will be asked to leave and I will find someone else or I won't. I'm done worrying about it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Does your wife treasury her memories of the affair? She doesn't sound remorseful, merely tired.


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## 4getmenot (Jan 24, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I totally feel the same way about TAM.
> 
> But I am not sure I feel the same way about my husband. I have pretty much stopped snooping but not because I don't care. We're stupidly happy now, it's almost embarrassing, and I just don't feel the need.


I don't know your story, but let me say it is nice to hear of someone who feels they have regained the happiness in their life after betrayal. Hope, you give me hope!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

No, my wife does not treasure her EA. I'm sure she still misses his friendship (they were friends for 20 years first), but not enough to push it with me or go back there.

We are at peace right now. Not stupidly happy, but much more relaxed.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Anyone else get to this point in their infidelity "journey"?


:iagree:

I reached that point a while ago. It means that you're well on the way down the path of healing. The hypervigilance phase really does pass as you continually find nothing and your fWW's behavior shows no signs of being in an affair. 

Congratulations Gabriel. Welcome to the club.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

I'm at this point too - except I don't think my WH is really remorseful or doing the heavy lifting. He hates himself, but he still doesn't get what he has done to me. Nor is he doing all of what is necessary for the rebuilding of trust. But part of me doesn't care. I'm too tired. Sometimes I even want him to fall for someone else so that he can find happiness elsewhere. 


I still check sometimes - but rarely. I just don't care. I also come on TAM much less than those first months after DD. I'm not sure it's a good thing. I've become pretty nonchalant about many aspects of my life - including grad school which I'll probably drop out of because of all this.

So is this "not caring" a typical stage? It will be 1 year for me in one month.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am still in slueth mode from time to time. Yesterday, today and tomorrow my wife has to work as a sub. I have put one of the VARs in her car. Yesterday just like weeks ago, it shows that she is doing what she says she is doing. In the past, she told me she had to sub, and that was when she would hook up with the XOM. I have seen the VM's from her boss about subbing.

I don't have the gut feeling she is cheating or has the desire to cheat. But like the past, several months would go by and she would start up again, after the heat settled. I will not let my guard down completely, yet. 

As long as the VARs reveal nothing I do believe at some point I will be able to relax and leave it alone. She started her nonsense in early 2010 (did it in 1999) and did not end it till late April 2013. Too long of a road for me to just relax at this point. But if I discover one thing, just one, it will be over.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> I'm at this point too - except I don't think my WH is really remorseful or doing the heavy lifting. He hates himself, but he still doesn't get what he has done to me. Nor is he doing all of what is necessary for the rebuilding of trust. But part of me doesn't care. I'm too tired. Sometimes I even want him to fall for someone else so that he can find happiness elsewhere.
> 
> 
> I still check sometimes - but rarely. I just don't care. I also come on TAM much less than those first months after DD. I'm not sure it's a good thing. I've become pretty nonchalant about many aspects of my life - including grad school which I'll probably drop out of because of all this.
> ...


I think virtually all BS's reach the "I'm too exhausted to keep at this" stage at some point. However, they arrive there from two very different paths. 

One, as in Gabriel's case, is because they have been vigilant long enough that they've begun to routinely expect to find nothing questionable. Trust begins to rebuild slowly after a long time of finding nothing and not having that old gut feeling tormenting you. You relax a bit and simply find the drama of it all tiring, and start to feel like it's limiting your ability to move on toward a fuller recovered life with your spouse. 

The other is because they have been vigilant long enough that they've begun to routinely expect to find something questionable. In this case, you realize that your spouse's inappropriateness is simply a part of who they are at the core. You know you won't ever be able to relax, and find the drama of it all draining. You start to be aware that if you don't do something to limit the drama your spouse brings to your life, you will feel this exhausted forever. And then you have some decisions to make.

So, IMO, yes "tired" is a stage. Why you're "tired" and what you need to do about it, however, can vary.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

4getmenot said:


> I don't know your story, but let me say it is nice to hear of someone who feels they have regained the happiness in their life after betrayal. Hope, you give me hope!


It wasn't ME who regained it. It was him. He's done what he needs to do, in a way that shows me he's truly remorseful. All I did was kick him out on D day.

It's extremely rare that a WS does the things he has and really and truly changes for the better. The vast majority are just sorry they got caught. And most BS's accept their WS not changing and say they're in R, when all they're in is the exact same boat.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> I am still in slueth mode from time to time. Yesterday, today and tomorrow my wife has to work as a sub. I have put one of the VARs in her car. Yesterday just like weeks ago, it shows that she is doing what she says she is doing. In the past, she told me she had to sub, and that was when she would hook up with the XOM. I have seen the VM's from her boss about subbing.
> 
> I don't have the gut feeling she is cheating or has the desire to cheat. But like the past, several months would go by and she would start up again, after the heat settled. I will not let my guard down completely, yet.
> 
> As long as the VARs reveal nothing I do believe at some point I will be able to relax and leave it alone. She started her nonsense in early 2010 (did it in 1999) and did not end it till late April 2013. Too long of a road for me to just relax at this point. But if I discover one thing, just one, it will be over.


Thorburn - I think you have a long way to go. Your wife's "crimes" were extreme and far worse then my W's were. And you had the more recent false R. I hope you get to this stage at some point, my friend. But it will take awhile.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

I'm getting close. In fact, I'm really a regular on a self improvement forum , but for some reason decided to post here today.

For me, about 60% of the time, I really could care less. The part that is bothering me is that I'm not sure what I want to say to my SO. I've already told her I don't believe her, what good is saying it over and over.

That is my hook. It's more about how she acted two years ago, and to this day still tries to spin it as something else. That just isn't good for me. 

Then , there are days like today, I"m consumed with her dishonesty because it is an insult to our relationship. But on balance, yes, what a waste of time. Nothing against this site, but it is just sickening- same story over and over.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

I tend to post more negative things, but let me offer my SO has done quite a bit, especially as of later. Problem is that I am insecure before her even doing this, I have trouble trusting in the first place.

But , when she calls,it is good to hear her voice and so forth, and I do enjoy being around her. Unfortunately, for me , the elephant in the room is her never coming clean on affair.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I could never get out of sleuth mode, or trust again, no matter what she did or didn't do. The trust was murdered when she had her affair. You can't come back from the dead. That's why I'm divorcing her and not in R anymore.

But that's just me. I'm sure there are WS's who never cheat again - but you can never _really_ know that. No matter how hard you wanna believe it.

Once a cheater always a cheater? Maybe. Once a cheater always capable of cheating? Absolutely.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I never thought I could get out of sleuth mode either.

In fact, that thought scared the hell out of me. Made me think, sh*t, my life will always be this. But it really did eventually go away. 

Now I check a couple of things now and then. But it's not to catch her. It's simply a rote obligation that says, "Gabriel, remember, this is what you are supposed to do." But my heart isn't in it at all. It's like a robot is doing it once a week or something.


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## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

I totally get it Gabriel. I still check without knowing why and I still come on here to find answers. I had a different name a year and a half ago but your advice back then helped me and im sure you have helped countless of people on TAM. That is what you have to remember that in your own darkest hour you still helped others. Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

I have read TAM infidelity chronicles for years, and I cannot imagine giving my wife a 2nd chance if she cheated on me. Reading all these lurid sordid stories has convinced me more and more that I could never live post-cheating with anyone. I'd rather dump the Pu-Tha-Na and start over with someone better. Why would I want a relationship where I have to "trust then verify"? What a terrible way to live! No, I'd rather send her packing and move on. Life is too short to live with a turd.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I'm just so burnt out too . I just want normal life back sooo badly I can taste it . I'm just so confused still as I dont know if it's all apart of the big picture or not . 

~ sammy


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> I have read TAM infidelity chronicles for years, and I cannot imagine giving my wife a 2nd chance if she cheated on me. Reading all these lurid sordid stories has convinced me more and more that I could never live post-cheating with anyone. I'd rather dump the Pu-Tha-Na and start over with someone better. Why would I want a relationship where I have to "trust then verify"? What a terrible way to live! No, I'd rather send her packing and move on. Life is too short to live with a turd.


Exactly! Living with the enemy? No thanks. I'd rather live alone.


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> I never thought it would happen. I never thought I would ever get sick of these juicy threads, or ever get sick of checking my wife's messages, wondering if she's talking to the OM again, etc, etc.
> 
> I liked being the sleuth, and one of the fixers around CWI. Liked both of those things for a long time. Hung on to "trust but verify" for over almost 2 1/2 years now.
> 
> ...



Just last night in MC I blurted out, "I am so tired of this..."
I realized, no matter how much you snoop, ( which I hate, that I had to even become a snooper) no matter how many incriminating emails you find, you're never really satisfied that you've found them all!
So what's the point? There are too many ways a WS can cover their tracks. I am done with, " trust, but verify"

H is off site from his job today with a co worker who could potentially become another EA - his specialty.
I don't care anymore. 
Somehow, that feels good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

brokenhearted2 said:


> Just last night in MC I blurted out, "I am so tired of this..."
> I realized, no matter how much you snoop, ( which I hate, that I had to even become a snooper) no matter how many incriminating emails you find, you're never really satisfied that you've found them all!
> So what's the point? There are too many ways a WS can cover their tracks. I am done with, " trust, but verify"
> 
> ...


That's a completely different kind of not caring.

Lordmayhem totally gets it, like usual.

I am to a point where I do not think my wife will ever do anything untoward with the OM or any other OM again. The worst thing she could do, is ocassionally sneak a platonic quick message to the OM for life updates. But even then, I don't think she is doing this.

The "I don't care" I am feeling is even if she did ocassionally do that, I have full confidence it wouldn't ever lead down the wrong road again. My wife knows the high stakes gambling that would be, and knows I would instantly leave her if I caught anything like this. She has a LOT to lose, and dealing with the OM is no longer worth the gamble to her. I fully believe this. She would lose her business, her family life, her reputation, everything. Not worth it.

Now, I am NOT going to go to her and open that door, and allow her any contact with him - that's not what I'm saying. 

What's different is that I used to be TERRIFIED of her intentions. Now, I just know she isn't going to go there. And if I'm wrong, well, it will be her loss more than mine. 

As far as remorse is concerned, she calls her EA the biggest mistake of her life. She hates what it did to me, and that it destroyed her long term friendship. What else do you want?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

brokenhearted2 said:


> Just last night in MC I blurted out, "I am so tired of this..."
> I realized, no matter how much you snoop, ( which I hate, that I had to even become a snooper) no matter how many incriminating emails you find, you're never really satisfied that you've found them all!
> So what's the point? There are too many ways a WS can cover their tracks. I am done with, " trust, but verify"
> 
> ...


How long have you been dealing with this? If you are 1-2 years out and still in this spot, you might want to reconsider sticking around. Not caring in your case is good in a different way, for sure.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

"Trust but verify".

Nope. If you truly trust, you don't need to verify. But you can't ever truly trust again, can you?


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I totally feel the same way about TAM.
> 
> But I am not sure I feel the same way about my husband. I have pretty much stopped snooping but not because I don't care. We're stupidly happy now, it's almost embarrassing, and I just don't feel the need.


That's good to hear, Hope.

My wife mentioned a while back that she no longer cared to snoop. 

I am still an open book. 

She also commented on how the marriage is improved and words similar to the affect of being "stupidly happy"...I think she used the words Giddily or something similar. 

It does seem as if we spend more time together and communicate far better and in a more comfortable way. ...both of us. 

She even remarked that our new marriage is better than our old one and she is glad she didn't give up on me or the marriage. 

Thank you for sharing your happiness.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Gab, Lord...

Do you both feel you have each spouses "back" like it was before?

Is it as good or better than before? And if we can do so, to let it go ?, we may just find,... its ok ? 

~sammy


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> Gab, Lord...
> 
> Do you both feel you have each spouses "back" like it was before?
> 
> ...


Awesome question.

I think the short answer is that it is more true and mature. 

I personally think now, mine is slightly better. Having gone through this we are more aware of our fragilities and faults and what that can do to each other. But sure, you remember the pain. Thing is, I'd remember it even if we divorced. I wish her EA never happened, that's for sure. Even if it made me more "awake" to our relationship and what we need to do to thrive.

Kind of wish we figured it out before then. It's not perfect by any stretch. Maybe our marriage was a 5 and now it's a 6.


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> How long have you been dealing with this? If you are 1-2 years out and still in this spot, you might want to reconsider sticking around. Not caring in your case is good in a different way, for sure.


Yes, 2 years out. The trouble is though I know he has not been in contact with his EA partner in those two years, (since I discovered it) I have been doing the "trust, but verify" routine and so I believe there has been no contact, but my snooping recently uncovered some old FB messages that had been archived. So it's not recent behavior, but reading with my own eyes, their level of closeness and connection reopened old wounds that I thought were healing. 

I also uncovered 2 year old messages to and from a co worker of his at the time that were also way too familiar and friendly, so I uncovered something I had No knowledge of until last month- even tho these messages were from two years ago. 

Yes he's remorseful, which is why I've stayed, but he is just too friendly with women, I can't explain it, it's what initially drew me to him- his openness, but it gives women the impression he's interested in them and they respond in kind, and then He responds and so on, and the next thing you know they're calling him for advice and so forth and there's the slippery slope. 

He's been aware of it now these last two years. So I'm appreciative of that- my concern is that's he's just wired that way, and that is what I'm tired of...
Wondering, will it happen again ? I'm tired of having to give it any thought anymore, so I'm not!
Like someone on here said, if he does it again, with his new awareness of boundaries, then it's his loss, and I haven't lost very much after all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

It funny, Im so much wiser, so much more imformed about relationships, been reading non stop about empowerment, a stronger women, more independent, more understanding, have more empathy, compassion, been learning and answeing questions, and havings thoughts about things I didnt think I would had even thought of , had none of this mess ever come up in my life. In some ways I think for all Ive gone thorough, I dont think I 'll come out a better person . 

~sammy


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

I have no intention to check up on him cause I cant be bothered. If he wants to cheat again he is going to find other ways to hide it from you. So why waste your time? Its a very unhealthy way to live life. You either move on by yourself or you forgive and start fresh. 

If my partner cheats on me again then he is out the door. But I have no intention spying on him, waiting for that moment. I am going to make my life the best it can be for me.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Hibiscus, I share your thoughts, I just think I was a better person before affair strike me & change me...as my life was pretty good before.

Would I trade now all I know, for what I had ? Yes, in a heartbeat! There is nothing good yet that has come from this...even with better communication btw hubs, and all other "good stuff" its still not better , than what it was, imho ... ((Im speaking of 30+, I thought happy yrs))

~sammy


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## 4getmenot (Jan 24, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> Hibiscus, I share your thoughts, I just think I was a better person before affair strike me & change me...as my life was pretty good before.
> 
> Would I trade now all I know, for what I had ? Yes, in a heartbeat! There is nothing good yet that has come from this...even with better communication btw hubs, and all other "good stuff" its still not better , than what it was, imho ... ((Im speaking of 30+, I thought happy yrs))
> 
> ~sammy


Sammy...I really can relate. I too would trade all I know now in a heartbeat. No contest.

I feel like I lived the fairy tale of happily ever after prior to learning about my husband's betrayal. Mind you, his betrayal was mild on the scale of types of betrayal, but it was a betrayal of my trust nonetheless. We really were super happy, and I always felt I was such a lucky woman to have him. We have been together over 20 years. 

Everyone tells me things can never be the same, but they often they can be better. Hard part for me is, I don't see how they can be better when I feel like what we had before was perfect as it was. So I am grieving the loss of my "fairy tale" and trying to accept that what we have is still really fabulous...but it will never be what it was. I have lost my innocent trust and belief that he would never hurt me, and have to accept that he has the capacity to do so again. Even if you forgive, how do you forget that once you know it? It takes away from the magic of the relationship, in my mind. At least that's where I am with this today.

Sometimes I think betrayal is hardest for those who thought things were perfect in their relationship prior to it. If we had problems, perhaps I would understand it more and would have hope we could into evolve into something happier than before.


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## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

4getmenot said:


> Everyone tells me things can never be the same, but they often they can be better. Hard part for me is, I don't see how they can be better when I feel like what we had before was perfect as it was. So I am grieving the loss of my "fairy tale" and trying to accept that what we have is still really fabulous...but it will never be what it was. I have lost my innocent trust and belief that he would never hurt me, and have to accept that he has the capacity to do so again. Even if you forgive, how do you forget that once you know it? It takes away from the magic of the relationship, in my mind. At least that's where I am with this today.


That certainly resonates with me. My wife and I were "high school sweethearts" and with her betrayal it feels broken. We're trying to work through it now, but I feel like the special "fairy tale" status is gone. And, for me, it is all tarnished forever.


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## 4getmenot (Jan 24, 2013)

bartendersfriend said:


> That certainly resonates with me. My wife and I were "high school sweethearts" and with her betrayal it feels broken. We're trying to work through it now, but I feel like the special "fairy tale" status is gone. And, for me, it is all tarnished forever.


My thoughts exactly. 

Yet I don't want anyone else. I still love him so much. Plus, even if I did find another relationship, I feel like I will never trust ANYONE to that degree again. I feel like it has ruined my ability to totally become vulnerable to anyone in my life again. It was such a great gift to have that with someone, and I am grieving the loss of it. 

One of my friends told me I was "naive" before the betrayal, and now my eyes are wide open. I so wish I could just have stayed naive. It is a beautiful, heady feeling to totally trust and believe in another person.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

4getmenot said:


> My thoughts exactly.
> 
> Yet I don't want anyone else. I still love him so much. Plus, even if I did find another relationship, I feel like I will never trust ANYONE to that degree again. I feel like it has ruined my ability to totally become vulnerable to anyone in my life again. It was such a great gift to have that with someone, and I am grieving the loss of it.
> 
> One of my friends told me I was "naive" before the betrayal, and now my eyes are wide open. I so wish I could just have stayed naive. It is a beautiful, heady feeling to totally trust and believe in another person.


I relate to what you say as well as other posts similar to this but I try and see my experience with infidelity as a learning curve for me. I feel its made me stronger as a person.

Yes my idea of "Happily ever after" has been shattered forever but growing up I have had many experiences that has shattered this illusion. In comparison to other people in different parts of the world, I still have it really good! I still have my health, my children and I still love my man ( differently but I still do).

Its about making mental choices of how you wish to be and I choose to be as happy as possible from this. Snooping and thinking that he is going to hurt me again makes me very anxious and sad, so I don't go there.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

4getmenot said:


> Sammy...I really can relate. I too would trade all I know now in a heartbeat. No contest.
> 
> I feel like I lived the fairy tale of happily ever after prior to learning about my husband's betrayal. Mind you, his betrayal was mild on the scale of types of betrayal, but it was a betrayal of my trust nonetheless. We really were super happy, and I always felt I was such a lucky woman to have him. We have been together over 20 years.
> 
> ...


The loss of innocence really is a big one. Now, I don't think our marriage was perfect - not even close. That's not the part I have a problem with. But the innocence loss was huge. Totally agree. You never think your partner would do what they did, and it shatters your view of the world. They never understand that. Never.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

bartendersfriend said:


> That certainly resonates with me. My wife and I were "high school sweethearts" and with her betrayal it feels broken. We're trying to work through it now, but I feel like the special "fairy tale" status is gone. And, for me, it is all tarnished forever.


So true...FWH was the little boy who chased me around the playground in second grade! Our "story" about finding eachother again and being so thankful after having been treated so badly by others is completely blown!

I must say...it seems most who are reaching this point of burnout on checking up are at a minimum of two years out from Dday. Seven more months and maybe I'll burn out, too (one can only hope).


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Ive said all along since my dday when I hear , "oh it can be better," yeah, if we had drug issues, or drinking, or money issues, or job, children, in-laws, anything, problems... but we really didnt. Nothing that i didnt think we could take on together. Our biggest problem was where did we want to go on vacation ?

So now I get to be in the new club, the club where I spend the rest of my married years telling everyone how much better chapter 2 is... 

~ sammy


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

4getmenot said:


> So I am grieving the loss of my "fairy tale" and trying to accept that what we have is still really fabulous...but it will never be what it was.


I think I see the issue. The issue is you viewed the marriage as "perfect", yet on some level you realize that was a fairytale. However, you still won't trust that feeling. 

You do know that a perfect marriage is absolutely a fairy tale. 

Perhaps all it means is that you were blind to the problems, or your husband was passive aggressive about expressing his unhappiness to you. So sadly, you were happy and he was not, but for some reason he was AFRAID to express that unhappiness to you.


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## 4getmenot (Jan 24, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> I think I see the issue. The issue is you viewed the marriage as "perfect", yet on some level you realize that was a fairytale. However, you still won't trust that feeling.
> 
> You do know that a perfect marriage is absolutely a fairy tale.
> 
> Perhaps all it means is that you were blind to the problems, or your husband was passive aggressive about expressing his unhappiness to you. So sadly, you were happy and he was not, but for some reason he was AFRAID to express that unhappiness to you.


Well I NOW realize it wasn't what I thought it was. And you are right, I don't want to fully accept that thought, b/c I feel like it is giving up hope of ever getting back what we "had". But if I never had it, maybe it was all a lie? 

Of course there were things he did that drove me batty, so I know it wasn't "perfect"...but I accepted all of him, even those things that bothered me. I did that, and he did the same for me, but still felt our relationship was "perfect" b/c we did love each other despite our differences. We both always put the relationship first. Until his betrayal of my trust. 

I'm not so sure he was unhappy and afraid to express it to me. I just think he was selfish and impulsive and wanted what he wanted. He knew he could get away with it, he admitted that is why he betrayed me. Essentially, because I trusted him so much.


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> I think I see the issue. The issue is you viewed the marriage as "perfect", yet on some level you realize that was a fairytale. However, you still won't trust that feeling.
> 
> You do know that a perfect marriage is absolutely a fairy tale.
> 
> Perhaps all it means is that you were blind to the problems, or your husband was passive aggressive about expressing his unhappiness to you. So sadly, you were happy and he was not, but for some reason he was AFRAID to express that unhappiness to you.


I think this is what happened in my marriage. Through MC he said he was afraid to tell me about things that were not satisfying in our marriage. I thought everything was fine since he never complained. 
Now I see that he was unhappy and rather than discuss it, he found someone that was easier to talk to. 
I didn't know. But at least I don't believe in fairy tales anymore. I feel sad/bad for both of us. I guess I am evolving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

I'm tired of checking my wife's phone, computer, Kindle, Facebook, etc. I have all of her passwords. We are separated. We are trying to R, I guess. I doubt it will work. A month after Dday I found an email account she never told me about. Lots of emails, phone #'s of the Om's. She says there is nothing else. I find nothing when I do check. But that only makes me more suspicious. I feel that she's gone further underground. Anyway, I feel burnt out, tired, depressed, demoralized and angry all the time. Hate feeling like this and knowing that I will never, ever really trust her again. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You do not have to live your entire life like you are now. 

If R is not in the cards for you then press on with D and rebuild your life. Get out of limbo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

bartendersfriend said:


> That certainly resonates with me. My wife and I were "high school sweethearts" and with her betrayal it feels broken. We're trying to work through it now, but I feel like the special "fairy tale" status is gone. And, for me, it is all tarnished forever.


I can relate to this as well.. we've been together since 16 years old, and it hurts to think that the fairy tale was a one way thing.. That they tried to make a new tale with a different person tarnishes it. Reminds me of the Garbage song, "special"...

I thought you were special
I thought you should know


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## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

I am sure there are a lot of people like us with similar stories. I look back now and realize what I thought was just the changing dynamic of a marriage with kids was her growing apart from me (partly because of the EA she was having). My fairy tale world blinded me from even thinking something like this could ever happen. It did and I am coming to terms with it all.

One of the most hurtful things for me, nearly four months after DDay, are the comments people make that remind me of the "fairy tale". For example, I finally told a former college roommate about the A, he said "I have always thought you all were the perfect couple". Other comments, from multiple random people, "you have a beautiful family". That just gets me... I want to say "had". I wonder how many families are actually what they appear to be...


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

bartendersfriend said:


> I am sure there are a lot of people like us with similar stories. I look back now and realize what I thought was just the changing dynamic of a marriage with kids was her growing apart from me (partly because of the EA she was having). My fairy tale world blinded me from even thinking something like this could ever happen. It did and I am coming to terms with it all.
> 
> One of the most hurtful things for me, nearly four months after DDay, are the comments people make that remind me of the "fairy tale". For example, I finally told a former college roommate about the A, he said "I have always thought you all were the perfect couple". Other comments, from multiple random people, "you have a beautiful family". That just gets me... I want to say "had". I wonder how many families are actually what they appear to be...


Yea, we were the perfect couple too, or so it seemed.. She managed to keep up the front to family and friends, but I know what you mean about thinking it was the changing dynamic of marriage. Part of that was probably her making you believe it.. I remember asking why no kiss goodbye anymore, and being told it's silly.. Why no hugs, no "I love you's", again, me being needy and silly, and I should know those things.. 

You hear and think "beautiful family" and your first thought is "why would anyone risk such a beautiful family? A romance that others would give anything for... and it wasn't more important than AP.

It's as if all your wonderful memories are no longer valid.. all those special times you shared, that you were able to use to shield you from temptation and outsiders trying to infiltrate your relationship, now feel like lies and you feel silly for thinking they were romantic in any way. All because you know they are leading to you being abandoned for another, and your life being a big question mark where it used to feel like an exclamation point.


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## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

Russell - We're definitely on the same page. My wife's EA turned PA was over the course of several years. That changing dynamic went pretty much the same as yours and it happened so slow that I didn't get a wake up call. I still thought I was happy and in a good marriage. I knew we had grown apart some, but thought that was sharing the responsibilities of having small kids, and that we would reconnect at some point. I never thought, for one second, that my wife would have an A with anyone (not to mention, my former best friend). It all makes sense now, but it certainly hurts being slapped back into reality from that "perfect" fairy tale.

Are you currently in R?

(My wife and I are currently trying R and I have not shared the complete story yet.)


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> Add me to the cinder pile. I am burned out and I don't have children (unless you count my aging mom) or financial pressures to deal with. So I feel as if I don't have it that bad. Especially in comparison to the other stories here.
> 
> I am really tired of feeling vigilant, feeling the urge to check up. I wonder if I made things worse because I caught it while in the EA phase. We are in R but if he screws up I'm going to leave skid marks in the driveway leaving and I'm not looking back. That I know how to do from my single days.
> 
> ...


Kristin, the heavy bag for me and the gym has been my haven for 2 years now. You might have some pent up anger. Kickboxing and beating on a bag is a great release. It won't land you in legal trouble either. I came very close to beating the living hell out of my EX wife's bf for putting his hands on my kids. A release is very very good. Happy New Year all.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Wonder how Gabriel and his lady are doing these days? I hope they're happy together. I always love a happy ending, something us old guys really enjoy. Here's hoping they have a wonderful new year together.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I, too, have more or less drifted over to the less vigilant side of things. There have been times when my anxiety would spike, but then I just automatically release it...just committing myself that I can't control some things...and that everything will be okay. I had been making it my job to be the rescuer of my wife and my marriage, but if my wife chose to blow it all to pieces again...it would seem silly at this point to be the only interested party in holding it all together.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

bartendersfriend said:


> Russell - We're definitely on the same page. My wife's EA turned PA was over the course of several years. That changing dynamic went pretty much the same as yours and it happened so slow that I didn't get a wake up call. I still thought I was happy and in a good marriage. I knew we had grown apart some, but thought that was sharing the responsibilities of having small kids, and that we would reconnect at some point. I never thought, for one second, that my wife would have an A with anyone (not to mention, my former best friend). It all makes sense now, but it certainly hurts being slapped back into reality from that "perfect" fairy tale.
> 
> Are you currently in R?
> 
> (My wife and I are currently trying R and I have not shared the complete story yet.)


We are in R.. We are actually doing well because my wife is doing all the things she needs to do and then some. I think one benefit of the long term affair (if there's any silver lining) is that the WS gets to find out that the new love feeling also becomes 'same old same old' after the initial chemicals fade... 

I can talk about it, I'm never told I shouldn't feel something.. I'm just told how sorry she is that I have to feel that, or think that.. and how wonderful I am for giving her a second chance, and how greatful she is for every moment I let her be in my life etc... She owns her decisions 100%, no more blame shifting, no more gas lighting, no more trickle truthing... So we are making progress. I'm 8 months out from DDay and think we're on a good path. I hope you are doing well too.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Kristin, the heavy bag for me and the gym has been my haven for 2 years now. You might have some pent up anger. Kickboxing and beating on a bag is a great release. It won't land you in legal trouble either. I came very close to beating the living hell out of my EX wife's bf for putting his hands on my kids. A release is very very good. Happy New Year all.


Yeah I have pent up anger, lol. I do work out with weights and the angrier or more frustrated I am the harder I work out. I literally can barely drive home from the gym some days.

So I am adding kickboxing and I'll hit that heavy bag, I'm sure I can print some of her FB pictures to tape to it


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## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

russell28 said:


> We are in R.. We are actually doing well because my wife is doing all the things she needs to do and then some. I think one benefit of the long term affair (if there's any silver lining) is that the WS gets to find out that the new love feeling also becomes 'same old same old' after the initial chemicals fade...


My wife has also seemingly done the right things since DDay in September. In her case, it is almost like a slow motion relationship building over years. It was actually in the building "love" phase when I found out, even though it had been years. Her A was with my former best friend of 25+ years (we're under 40, so this was my childhood best friend). I think she now realizes how slimy the OM was and how disfunctional the whole thing truly was. I mean, she took our youngest child on a brunch "date" to a restaurant.

Now that I have read his messages over the past several years I realize he is a deeply troubled person and was not capable of being a good friend to me. I don't miss him, but I do miss the friendship I thought we had. The sad part for me, I really feel like I had been a good person to both of them. I tried to build both of them up from the day I met them (including my friend who was quite a social outcast when we met). All of this has certainly made the betrayal difficult to handle. But, I don't have many options but to keep trying to move forward.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

bartendersfriend said:


> My wife has also seemingly done the right things since DDay in September. In her case, it is almost like a slow motion relationship building over years. It was actually in the building "love" phase when I found out, even though it had been years. Her A was with my former best friend of 25+ years (we're under 40, so this was my childhood best friend). I think she now realizes how slimy the OM was and how disfunctional the whole thing truly was. I mean, she took our youngest child on a brunch "date" to a restaurant.
> 
> Now that I have read his messages over the past several years I realize he is a deeply troubled person and was not capable of being a good friend to me. I don't miss him, but I do miss the friendship I thought we had. The sad part for me, I really feel like I had been a good person to both of them. I tried to build both of them up from the day I met them (including my friend who was quite a social outcast when we met). All of this has certainly made the betrayal difficult to handle. But, I don't have many options but to keep trying to move forward.


That's a tough one, the double betrayal.. wow, that's horrible... I had to cut off a couple friends, because I got bad vibes... one time my wife was upset because I told this guy to take a hike, he was instant messaging my wife, this is back in the 90's when instant messaging was still ICQ... His argument was that she was his friend too, I told her that was crossing the line. I understood back then, before TAM what boundaries were, and I was aware he was crossing them. He made me feel slimy for reading her messages, so I never checked her email or messages again... stupid in hindsight, I had the right idea back then. I let them both make me feel for years like I was in the wrong, and overreacted.. lost a friend. Ha... yea, good friend... No loss there in either of our situations, addition by subtraction.

I should add that the reason I checked her messages, was because he called me drunk one night, we were supposed to play Starcraft or something together, and he was asking to talk to my wife.. I said she was asleep, he wanted me to wake her up.. That's when I asked what it was about, he said none of my business he wanted to talk to her about problems with his girlfriend.. I told him that's not her problem, he can tell me.. He said it was girl stuff, I told him to find a girl to tell, that my wife doesn't care about his girlfriend problems.. etc.. etc... So yea, I wasn't just random checking, I had the big red flag.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Oddly the stories here haven't burned me out. It makes me feel a bit less alone. In a circle of friends you might not have anyone who relates. Then if you do share you get the looks or the pity and can't escape it. And those are the friends that mean well.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I remember going to therapy once (after two major family losses) the therapist looked at me slack jawed and said "Oh Wow" "OK, ummmm) he wasn't a kid I never went back. I think he was in way over his head.


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## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> Oddly the stories here haven't burned me out. It makes me feel a bit less alone.


Very true. Great support in just hearing what others have been through and that they are somehow making it.


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## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

russell28 said:


> That's a tough one, the double betrayal.. wow, that's horrible... I had to cut off a couple friends, because I got bad vibes...


I never even suspected that either of them would betray me. It is pretty clear to see the warning signs with the benefit of hindsight.

I have learned so much... you were right to trust the bad vibes.

You wouldn't think you would have to worry about married people with young kids doing things so destructive to their families, but that's the world we live in...


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

bartendersfriend said:


> I never even suspected that either of them would betray me. It is pretty clear to see the warning signs with the benefit of hindsight.
> 
> I have learned so much... you were right to trust the bad vibes.
> 
> You wouldn't think you would have to worry about married people with young kids doing things so destructive to their families, but that's the world we live in...


As far as "bad vibes". They are something I really trust. If nothing else I listen to my gut. No matter what my head or heart want to believe, my gut is always right.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Trust your gut feelings, I had them but ignored them, never will again.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

thummper said:


> Wonder how Gabriel and his lady are doing these days? I hope they're happy together. I always love a happy ending, something us old guys really enjoy. Here's hoping they have a wonderful new year together.


Thanks for the kind words. We are doing pretty well. I don't come on to TAM much anymore because I really hit a burnout level. My join date will tell you how long ago my story began. 

I no longer snoop around wondering what other methods my wife could be using to sneak convos with the fOM. I check her email, etc. maybe once every 2-3 weeks, but I usually have to remind myself to do it. It's only out of "obligation". Nothing is ever there and never will be. She'd be insane to make that mistake again.

We still have our down moments, but they aren't about the EA. I never bring it up anymore. The closest we get to talking about it, is when my wife will occasionally tell me I'm not living up to my end of the bargain "because now the threat is gone." Meaning, now that she doesn't talk to the fOM anymore.

Thing is, he will always be a threat. It just takes one email, text, or phone call to get the juices flowing. Next time she says that to me, I'll remind her of this fact. 

But most of the time we are good. We both lost a parent in 2013 and helped each other through that. One of our kids is approaching college age and we've had fun visiting schools. These are things we both know we couldn't do if we were apart. So many things would blow up, so many securities would be pulled from under us. This is marriage. Ups and downs, good times and bad. Sickness and health. Etc. We've experienced them all. Our eyes are wide open.

We still talk about the future, what we'll do when we finally become empty nesters. We dream together. We fight. I think it's all normal.

So there you go.


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