# After 15 years I found the secret to a great marriage



## The Gus (Nov 20, 2008)

I've been married to a absolutely fantastic woman for 13 or 14 years now. We've been together for around 15 years, met when we were 18. We now have 3 awesome boys, oldest is turning 6 next month.

We've had bumps in the road like everyone else, but never anything big. We agreed back when we met that THE most important thing in our relationship would always be to respect each other, through the thick 'n thin.

This #1 rule has survived the test of time. 

But I was naive to think that would be the ONLY secret to a happy life. As a husband and father of 3 for so long I've tried many different ways to deal with frustrations and problems. Some have worked, but none have worked consistently.

After investing quite a bit of time revisiting past experiences and analyzing my actions, recalling outcomes and searching for common denominators it hit me. Hit me like a truck.

I discovered the secret, for men at least: *Shut up and keep your biggest frustrations & concerns to yourself.* Women will tell you they want to be involved, but they really don't. They'll try a few tricks to get you to talk.. don't fall for it.

All the times I did what I thought she wanted... talking about my frustrations, involving her in my concerns, communicating what I wanted... ended horribly.

All the times I kept the big stuff all to myself, and told her what she wanted to hear... peaceful happy life.

Communication is vital of course, you should talk things through and be open with each other................ but only about things on neutral ground. Work through the big issues on your own in a healthy way, exercising for 30 minutes followed by 5 back-to-back shots of bourbon works fantastic.

Look at old married men. They don't blabber on about their problems with their wives, they're tight lipped and happy.... yes, happy.

Women will disagree with this. "If you're bottling up negative feelings and not communicating your concerns then nothing will ever change, you'll suffer in silence, as will the the entire household in some circumstances".

B.S. 

See how happy you and the Mrs. are when you tell her you're mad because you don't get laid as often as you like.

After our 2nd son was born we went 11 months w/o intercourse. After our 3rd was born is was a couple of weeks shy of 13 months.

I made the mistake of talking about it after our 2nd boy...... hence the 7th month, and 8th month & 9th month. No sex PLUS we were both pissed off all the time. We even found ourselves in the office of a marriage councilor.

Second time around, after our 3rd boy, I kept it to myself. I still didn't get sex, but our household was happy. We didn't argue or resent each other. We had good times & we had fun together. 

This is just one example. I won't drone on with the many many many examples I have of this shut-up-and-be-happy system in action. 

I just wanted to share, it really works. Sounds like it will make problems worse, but if you can find a way to work through the biggies yourself you'll be in good shape.

And ladies.. seriously this DOES work. One last example:

Would you rather have your husband complain and get mad about your sex life, and inevitably insinuate that it's your fault, just for the sake of "communication"........... or would you rather just notice that over a period of a few weeks he's helping you out with a few things around the house, then he buys you some flowers or takes you to a romantic dinner.. then you find yourself getting romantic w/o pressure?

(Guys: It will piss you off to do this, because of course it IS all her fault, and you should tell her how it is cause you're a MAN and blah blah blah.. deal with it on your own and bite your lip as you do nice things... the difference will be getting laid vs. not.. laid, fed, respected.. whatever your issues are. It hurts the ego doing this sometimes, I personally counter it by doing whatever the hell I want, even if she gets mad.. because she has no idea how her precious feelings are being taken care of by you as it is.. and she'll get over her small fits, but probably won't get over the biggies).

And that's it, I'm done.. just thought I'd share.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

I am so sorry you feel this way. If you would rather had something on the surface that "isn't bad" rather then something deep that is good that is your choice.

I guess you found something that worked for you. I personally would find myself hulding grudges and not able to enjoy the good aspects of life if I just shut up and acted happy.


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## cesolomon (Nov 5, 2008)

You Know, you are probably the one man that has learned what I have been telling everyone for years. PICK YOUR BATTLES!! But I do hope you don't really believe that your wife doesn't know what you are doing!!!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Funny I talk to my wife about EVERYTHING, and have pure happiness and all my want, need, and desires fulfilled. I want for nothing at all.

draconis


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I talk to my wife all the time, we discuss everything and anything.

We just work well together.

I guess I am happy you found the person that "fits" you, but I believe it is different for everyone.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

The Gus said:


> (Guys: It will piss you off to do this, because of course it IS all her fault, and you should tell her how it is cause you're a MAN and blah blah blah.. deal with it on your own and bite your lip as you do nice things... the difference will be getting laid vs. not.. laid, fed, respected.. whatever your issues are. It hurts the ego doing this sometimes, I personally counter it by doing whatever the hell I want, even if she gets mad.. because she has no idea how her precious feelings are being taken care of by you as it is.. and she'll get over her small fits, but probably won't get over the biggies).


The whole of your post seems like bitter and twisted advice. And as for:


> the difference will be getting laid vs. not.. *laid*,* fed*,* respected*..


I don't call waiting 13 months for sex, a good result. Also, I can feed myself, and respect myself.


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

I think sharing your frustrations is a good thing. I think what women look for is How we as men handle our frustrations. If we keep our frustrations silent and pund bourbon for the sake of "happiness" she will perceive us as weak and uncertain/insecure and out of control. If we communicate our frustration with a quiet confidence and reassure her that things will be fine, it will give her the security she desires, plus she may even look at you like a hero. Thus making you more attractive--ending your 13 month dry spell. I don't have a perfect marriage at all. It is a work in progress--with many ups and downs. I am just living proof that "dumping" frustration does not work and neither does "hiding" it. Hiding your emotions for the sake to keep the family "happy" sounds like a pushover to me.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

This seems like reasonable advice except for I have a spine and a penis so it wouldn't work for me. Good luck though.... -Martino


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

martino said:


> This seems like reasonable advice except for I have a spine and a penis so it wouldn't work for me. Good luck though.... -Martino


:lol:
Good Shot Martino

Honestly guys I think “The Gus” is an exercise in tongue in cheek. I’ve seen some bad advice on the forum before but none has been articulated quite so well. But I’ll take him up on his avatar and pony up the $12.00 :2gunsfiring_v1: 

:rofl:


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> But I’ll take him up on his avatar and pony up the $12.00 :2gunsfiring_v1:
> 
> :rofl:


I see you're on good from today


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

martino said:


> This seems like reasonable advice except for I have a spine and a penis so it wouldn't work for me. Good luck though.... -Martino


Damn right! :lol:


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

You knew women would speak up to your post right??? Before I do, I also understand the humor you interjected here as well but I know most of this is serious for you. 

My husband and I nearly divorced because he did EXACTLY what you wrote about. He didn't want to deal with it when something wasn't right, hated talking about emotions - particularly his, best to lie and make me feel the world is a wonderful place. At first it was small little things then they got bigger and it was out of control. Guess what? It didn't work. I started feeling like something was really off, felt it was me, really got very depressed which made him less happy and it snowballed. Then when I found out he was lying that made it worse. Long story he was miserable and thought having an affair and maybe even leaving would make him happy. It didn't help he was still miserable while having and affair in fact more miserable. He became someone else, angry and shouting .... not just at me but the kids. My daughter wrote me a letter asking why her daddy changed and didn't love her anymore...So then he had even bigger problems. Until one night it just all exploded and he said "I have totally F***** up my life". We found a way to get through it and its going well so far (only been 3 months). He is the first one to say he screwed up big time. Two nights ago he said to me how happy he was now and he'd never let anything screw it up again, too bad we had to have such serious issues and nearly lose everything before things changed and I will quote "too bad I wasn't man enough then to come and talk to you when things started to change"! Yeah, too bad cause it would have saved him, me, and our kids a lot of pain. 

Do I want him complaining at me all the time? No, that's not communication either. But if he feels neglected, sure I'd like him to come on to me so that I am interested. Complaining won't make me interested. And before with him pulling away, lying, being angry, I didn't WANT to have sex with him then! Frankly our sex life has never been better (its one example you used so I'm using it too). The reason why is #1 change in me. I am so happy with how I feel and look now after taking time out for me and working my butt off to feel that way so it makes me more sexual #2 he often compliments me on how I look or just little touches here and there, hinting what might come later. All of this comes right back at him and its not only increased the frequency but its just much better. Complaining won't get you the same results. 

Now your situation...well to put it bluntly that sucks, that is a long time without sex (even when things were bad for us, it was at longest 3 weeks). So something is up there. You need to figure out what it is and maybe its not you so complaining will make it worse. You mentioned this happened after having a baby, maybe your wife doesn't feel sexy (doesn't matter how she really looks, what she thinks about how she looks is what matters and how she thinks YOU think she looks...if she doesn't feel sexy she won't want to have sex!). Also make it possible to have time, help get the kids down and clean up dinner plates, etc. so you two can go to bed earlier and have the time. I don't know what the issue is but this is something to explore and you gotta fix that through communication but the right kind. If she's on the defensive it will make things work, so maybe that's why your "solution" partly works, while you are holding it in you are not making her defensive. But you are getting really resentful and eventually it will all fall apart you will leave her or she will leave you. A couple can't be happy if one of them is miserable.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

i figure this was not a strategy of "the gus" going in. rather what he has been reduced to over time.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

If my wife could go what did he say? 11 months with no sex, no touching I would be gone. I wear under wear not panties. :smthumbup:


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

All I'm going to say is that, The Gus, you are full of it. Have 5 drinks and shut up? NIce one. That makes things right.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

voivod said:


> i figure this was not a strategy of "the gus" going in. rather what he has been reduced to over time.


exactly. He has convinced himself that what has happened to him actually has made him happy. Like he accidently discovered the key to happiness. He doesnt like any confrontation and she has reduced his self esteem to nothing. 
I hate to kick sand in this guy's vagina.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

awww...some people need to be a lightning rod. getting all the attention he needs here, i guess.


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## shredderwife (Nov 25, 2008)

Gus!

You are absolutely correct even I am woman I still agree with you because I found out from a hard way,my husband cannot handle my frustrations and concerns.I got in argument with him about my in laws and my husband told on my comments to my in laws. Now my in laws hate it me. Our relationship seems doing good if I keep all my frustration and concern to myself but I asked myself what is the point to marry this person if he cannot share all my feelings?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

The Gus said:


> It hurts the ego doing this sometimes, I personally counter it by doing whatever the hell I want, even if she gets mad.. because she has no idea how her precious feelings are being taken care of by you as it is


Your pretty bitter Gus. 



magicsunset08 said:


> "dumping" frustration does not work and neither does "hiding" it.


Listen to magic. There's a balance to what you're trying to work through. You're right on one level. You cant always 'dump' your emotional garbage in someone's lap and expect them to always respond the way you need. it is about respect. 

Just remember, the bitterness, and resentment, are your fault. not hers. you can bring back the balance and share some of what you feel, while taking care of some of it on your own.


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## lovebird612 (Nov 29, 2008)

The Gus said:


> I've been married to a absolutely fantastic woman for 13 or 14 years now. We've been together for around 15 years, met when we were 18. We now have 3 awesome boys, oldest is turning 6 next month.
> 
> We've had bumps in the road like everyone else, but never anything big. We agreed back when we met that THE most important thing in our relationship would always be to respect each other, through the thick 'n thin.
> 
> ...


Just joined the forums and must say, great tips!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

lovebird612 said:


> Just joined the forums and must say, great tips!


lovebird612- It was meant to be "tongue in cheek", not serious advice !


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## Trying Daily (Dec 2, 2008)

I know where The Gus is coming from. Unfortunately, our marriage suffers from the same condition. If I try to share a concern, it is met with denial, being told in no uncertain terms I'm wrong, extreme anger, a temper tantrum consisting of stomping, shouting, lobbing jabs as she stomps by, then the 2-week long silent treatment.

Great. Openness and sharing works well.

Maybe my delivery is wrong. Maybe it's confrontational. Try not using words like "you, your, I, or me".

Oops. still wrong. How dare I imply imperfection. It was my fault for holding it in.

Wait.....If I don't hold it in, and bring up the concern, see above.

Remember the saying "when mamma's not happy, no one's happy"? That should be amended with "it doesn't matter if dad's happy".


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Wow, sounds fun. What types of concerns do you share that causes such a reaction? Sounds like there are underlying issues causing her anger/resentment that may not have anything to do with the discussion -or- she's just plain selfish and immature?


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