# Sexless hurting



## Rm321432 (Jul 21, 2016)

I'm realizing my marriage is faltering, and I don't know whether I want it to succeed. How do you balance hurting kids, your SO, families etc vs my needs and wants? 

I'm a 35wife to a 34man who iskibd, amiable, a good Dad. He is just incredibly lazy, with certain things, that effects every aspect of our lives. I do everything: not kidding. Clean, kids, meals, yes but also all finances, all outside work, all repairs in the house, all arrangements for the kids, all meals-everything. It's incredible unbalanced and has been for years. In fact in our pre marriage counseling from the minister who married us this exact issue came up. I guess I ignored it then thinking it might change with marriage. 

We have had good fights and bad fights over this issue, his lack of help, in a variety of ways (arguing about cleaning, or asking him to take over paying the bills etc) to a big, calm discussion a few weeks ago with me asking why he never tries to have sex with me. Never holds my hand, kisses me good morning and good night, that's it. He stated he didn't know what to fo to show affection. He then pouts, says he needs to be a better husband, that he loves me and I back off every time. 

I have been told by him in the past that I just need to write down everything he needs to fo and he'll do it which is true. However, I refuse to coach him how to seduce me. 

Looking back, I realize I was the seductress in our relationship all the time and I don't think it's his nature to show affection- but now I'm hurting and resentment is seeping in. He never cuddled my pregnant belly, never tells me I am pretty or look good unless prompted. My father was sick and passed away and I resent that he never asked me about it nor still doesn't. 

And now I am finding myself fulfilling pieces of that missing intimacy with an old flame from over a dozen years ago. It feels so nice to be told nice things, feel like someone understands me. 

I'm stuck and truly don't know how to weigh my own needs with those of my family. I feel selfish for indulging in companionship I so dearly desire.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Rm321432 said:


> However, I refuse to coach him how to seduce me.


My wife does this to me sometimes as well. I really don't understand the notion of knowing what it is you need from you partner, but at the same time refusing communicate to your partner what those things are for you. 

We ALL have different love languages, and we also have a tendency to want our partner's love languages to conform to that of our own. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages

Mine is hugging and touching, while my wife's is acts of service and words of affirmation. Often she does not like to be touched as ideal intimate time for her would be more about us working on a project in the house together while I am complimenting her on how wonderful she is. If I flat out refused to make it obvious to her that I just need a hug every so often, then I would be going through some serious hurting and thinking that she does not care about me.

It goes both ways you know!

Badsanta


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

First question – Is the relationship with the ex-flame physical or just emotional? 

I understand your struggle. My husband used to help me with everything but somehow in the past few years the balance has shifted and I have even more of the household responsibilities on my plate and he has less. I know exactly how frustrating it is to feel like you have no help.. no support. And I definitely know what it’s like to feel like every time you talk to them about it, they flip it around on you, play the pity me game and pouts so that you drop it. If you see the pattern. Like me, we take it. We back down. We don’t stand up for ourselves our put our foot and demand to be treated better. 

Should you leave? I don’t know. That depends on how you feel. But if you told your husband that you were leaving that you had enough of things going the way that they have been.. would he make an effort to change, if given the opportunity?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Rm321432 said:


> I have been told by him in the past that I just need to write down everything he needs to fo and he'll do it which is true. However, I refuse to coach him how to seduce me.


Look... if it works for chores, why object to coaching him regarding sex? What's the issue? Your pride? Some guys are just not there sexually and if he's a learner as you suggest, then help him learn this aspect of your marriage. You got him so far regarding chores, go the extra mile and help him learn how to seduce you. What do you have to lose?


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

"Mine is hugging and touching, while my wife's is acts of service and words of affirmation. Often she does not like to be touched as ideal intimate time for her would be more about us working on a project in the house together while I am complimenting her on how wonderful she is. If I flat out refused to make it obvious to her that I just need a hug every so often, then I would be going through some serious hurting and thinking that she does not care about me."

I've read about the love language. And it is true. I am similar to your wife in my love language style.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Rm321432 said:


> I'm realizing my marriage is faltering, and I don't know whether I want it to succeed. How do you balance hurting kids, your SO, families etc vs my needs and wants?
> 
> I'm a 35wife to a 34man who iskibd, amiable, a good Dad. He is just incredibly lazy, with certain things, that effects every aspect of our lives. I do everything: not kidding. Clean, kids, meals, yes but also all finances, all outside work, all repairs in the house, all arrangements for the kids, all meals-everything. It's incredible unbalanced and has been for years. In fact in our pre marriage counseling from the minister who married us this exact issue came up. I guess I ignored it then thinking it might change with marriage.
> 
> ...


You are in the middle of an affair with an old flame. Might be just emotional (or not) but it is still an affair.

Everything negative about your husband is magnified because of the affair. It is impossible for your marriage to work when you are cheating.

Give up the old flame and work on your marriage or leave your marriage.


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