# Threesome drama



## secretbride

A little over a month ago, my husband started running with one of his female coworkers. This didn't bother me until I saw her flirting heavily with him right in front of me. Without having to say anything, he told me he could tell I was uncomfortable so he stopped running with her. Two days later he started talking about her and how she had sex with girls in college, and that she was interested in me. I told him she was just saying those things for attention and brushed it off. Later in the week, he started asking me if I would have a threesome/foursome. I said possibly. Then he said we had been 'invited.' It turned out that we were invited by that girl and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend lives across the planet, but is coming to visit. I said I'd think about it. 

All of a sudden, my husband became extremely devoted to me. It felt like we were best friends. Talking, going on dates, great sex. I starting thinking about not wanting to share him so I said I wasn't really interested in the three/foursome. He got irritated so I said I would try and get to know the girl. I spent the next couple days going out to eat with her and exercising. She was such a sweet girl, but every time she spoke of my husband, her whole face lit up. 

I had been training for a jiu jitsu match, but needed a smaller partner. My husband suggested this girl. While at practice, I was watching them all over each other, sweating, wrestling, laughing. I was so uncomfortable. Later that night I went to sit with him while he was on the computer. He was facebook chatting with the girl and told me he was uncomfortable with me seeing what they were talking about.

WHAT!!! I told him immediately how uncomfortable I was. I had never seen him so angry. we had a huge fight, and I ended up feeling like the bad guy. Maybe I was for going along with it and getting his hopes up.

A couple weeks have gone by. He went back to being a workaholic who barely has time for me. Then a couple nights ago, he started being really romantic again. Low and behold, he brought her up and was wondering if I had put any more thought into it. Needless to say, I thought it was over and done with. 

Then last night he left his facebook open on my computer so I read his messages with her. Many had been deleted, but he was telling her to 'wear that dress again and to show him her panties.' He also said he would send her more naked pics OF ME for an exchange. 

I haven't said anything to him about it, but I did tell her to back off. I don't know how to talk to him about it because he just tells me I'm insecure. Then I end up feeling worse.

What should I do?? I'm so stresed and have so much anxiety over this. Oh and I'm living in a foreign country where I have no loved ones around! I followed him halfway around the world for his job.


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## Caribbean Man

Your situation is a bit complex, however there is something you can do.
Sorry that things have turned out this way, but if you are uncomfortable with this other woman , then why are you allowing your husband to even befriend her ?
Ok , so she's bisexual and has a boyfriend ,but you husband is clearly infatuated by her, HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH HER !
She wants to have sex with you , and her boyfriend probably too.

Is this what you got married for?
Your husband is manipulating you , and using you as a pawn to have sex with this woman, the woman seems to be using him as a pawn to get to you.
Are you comfortable with this lifestyle?
If not,
You need to tell your husband this.
You are not insecure, HE IS THE INSECURE ONE.
You married him, and promised to be faithful TO HIM,not anybody else, and yes, he promised to be faithful TO YOU!
He is breaking the marriage contract , not you. 
Both of you should probably seek some marriage counseling and set proper personal and marital boundaries.
You are afraid of loosing your husband , but clearly , if you have this threesome for his sake , it would only get worse.
The first step in regaining control is to put your feet down and say no.
Then sit him down and ask him why ?
There are many stories around here on TAM about those who have tried it and lost their marriage and dignity. Here are a few;

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/58606-threesomes-so-fourth.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/42794-he-wants-threesomes-other-things.html

And one of the best I've read so far;

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/68211-unified-story-sandc.html

Have a look at those threads , and maybe your husband could have a look at it too.
All the best wishes , and I hope things get better!


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## secretbride

About him befriending her.... At first when he noticed I was uncomfortable with them exercising together, he was so sweet. He said he would never want to put me in a situation where I felt uncomfortable. And now here I am. I have no idea how to ask him to stop being friends with her. He doesn't know I saw his messages.

Maybe I would like to try a threesome, but not with his coworker who he is with all day at work!


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## committed4ever

secretbride said:


> About him befriending her.... At first when he noticed I was uncomfortable with them exercising together, he was so sweet. He said he would never want to put me in a situation where I felt uncomfortable. And now here I am. I have no idea how to ask him to stop being friends with her. He doesn't know I saw his messages.
> 
> Maybe I would like to try a threesome, but not with his coworker who he is with all day at work!


Girl you tripping. Ain't nothing sweet about that! He's trying to get in her panties and use you to get there. You need to think twice about inviting people into your marriage bed. Don't seem like you're cut out for that nonsense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

the very few rare couples that actually make swinging work are the ones with strict and enforced boundaries. You husband has none and simply wants to have sex and fun with the OW. IOW- he's cheating on you


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## 3Xnocharm

secretbride said:


> A little over a month ago, my husband started running with one of his female coworkers. This didn't bother me until I saw her flirting heavily with him right in front of me. Without having to say anything, he told me he could tell I was uncomfortable so he stopped running with her. Two days later he started talking about her and how she had sex with girls in college, and that she was interested in me. I told him she was just saying those things for attention and brushed it off. Later in the week, he started asking me if I would have a threesome/foursome. I said possibly. Then he said we had been 'invited.' It turned out that we were invited by that girl and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend lives across the planet, but is coming to visit. I said I'd think about it.
> 
> All of a sudden, my husband became extremely devoted to me. It felt like we were best friends. Talking, going on dates, great sex. I starting thinking about not wanting to share him so I said I wasn't really interested in the three/foursome. He got irritated so I said I would try and get to know the girl. I spent the next couple days going out to eat with her and exercising. She was such a sweet girl, but every time she spoke of my husband, her whole face lit up.
> 
> I had been training for a jiu jitsu match, but needed a smaller partner. My husband suggested this girl. While at practice, I was watching them all over each other, sweating, wrestling, laughing. I was so uncomfortable. Later that night I went to sit with him while he was on the computer. He was facebook chatting with the girl and told me he was uncomfortable with me seeing what they were talking about.
> 
> WHAT!!! I told him immediately how uncomfortable I was. I had never seen him so angry. we had a huge fight, and I ended up feeling like the bad guy. Maybe I was for going along with it and getting his hopes up.
> 
> A couple weeks have gone by. He went back to being a workaholic who barely has time for me. Then a couple nights ago, he started being really romantic again. Low and behold, he brought her up and was wondering if I had put any more thought into it. Needless to say, I thought it was over and done with.
> 
> Then last night he left his facebook open on my computer so I read his messages with her. Many had been deleted, but he was telling her to 'wear that dress again and to show him her panties.' He also said he would send her more naked pics OF ME for an exchange.
> 
> I haven't said anything to him about it, but I did tell her to back off. I don't know how to talk to him about it because he just tells me I'm insecure. Then I end up feeling worse.
> 
> What should I do?? I'm so stresed and have so much anxiety over this. Oh and I'm living in a foreign country where I have no loved ones around! I followed him halfway around the world for his job.


Um....NO. HELL NO! FVCK NO!!

You dont know what to do?? You tell him to cut all contact with this woman or you are DIVORCING his selfish, cheating, jerk ass!  Stop being afraid and get PISSED! His behaviour is 100% unacceptable!


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## Mavash.

Almostrecovered said:


> the very few rare couples that actually make swinging work are the ones with strict and enforced boundaries. You husband has none and simply wants to have sex and fun with the OW. IOW- he's cheating on you


This. He's already in an EA and wants to take it physical by talking you into a threesome.

It's all about him.


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## GTdad

secretbride said:


> I had been training for a jiu jitsu match, but needed a smaller partner. My husband suggested this girl. While at practice, I was watching them all over each other, sweating, wrestling, laughing.


You should've sent both of their asses into a wall.

They want to screw each other (obviously), are likely already screwing each other, and want your blessing through your participation.

No f*cking way.


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## All of a sudden

Umm wanting to see her panties? Whats already happened with them I wonder. Tell him no way with his" friendship" with her, cause its way more then a friendship.


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## SadSamIAm

secretbride said:


> A little over a month ago, my husband started running with one of his female coworkers. This didn't bother me until I saw her flirting heavily with him right in front of me. Without having to say anything, he told me he could tell I was uncomfortable so he stopped running with her. Two days later he started talking about her and how she had sex with girls in college, and that she was interested in me. I told him she was just saying those things for attention and brushed it off. Later in the week, he started asking me if I would have a threesome/foursome. I said possibly. Then he said we had been 'invited.' It turned out that we were invited by that girl and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend lives across the planet, but is coming to visit. I said I'd think about it.
> 
> All of a sudden, my husband became extremely devoted to me. It felt like we were best friends. Talking, going on dates, great sex. I starting thinking about not wanting to share him so I said I wasn't really interested in the three/foursome. He got irritated so I said I would try and get to know the girl. I spent the next couple days going out to eat with her and exercising. She was such a sweet girl, but every time she spoke of my husband, her whole face lit up.
> 
> I had been training for a jiu jitsu match, but needed a smaller partner. My husband suggested this girl. While at practice, I was watching them all over each other, sweating, wrestling, laughing. I was so uncomfortable. Later that night I went to sit with him while he was on the computer. He was facebook chatting with the girl and told me he was uncomfortable with me seeing what they were talking about.
> 
> WHAT!!! I told him immediately how uncomfortable I was. I had never seen him so angry. we had a huge fight, and I ended up feeling like the bad guy. Maybe I was for going along with it and getting his hopes up.
> 
> A couple weeks have gone by. He went back to being a workaholic who barely has time for me. Then a couple nights ago, he started being really romantic again. Low and behold, he brought her up and was wondering if I had put any more thought into it. Needless to say, I thought it was over and done with.
> 
> Then last night he left his facebook open on my computer so I read his messages with her. Many had been deleted, but he was telling her to 'wear that dress again and to show him her panties.' He also said he would send her more naked pics OF ME for an exchange.
> 
> I haven't said anything to him about it, but I did tell her to back off. I don't know how to talk to him about it because he just tells me I'm insecure. Then I end up feeling worse.
> 
> What should I do?? I'm so stresed and have so much anxiety over this. Oh and I'm living in a foreign country where I have no loved ones around! I followed him halfway around the world for his job.


You need to realize that your husband is having an affair. It may be just an EA (emotional affair), but the panties comment makes me think it has already gone physical.

I believe you need to stop this before it goes any further. Tell him that his relationship with her is too close. That there will be no threesome. That if you see him facebooking/chatting with her again, the marriage will be over. Not sure what his circumstance is with work, but I would suggest he start looking for a different job as well.


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## Rob774

I feel bad for you OP... because your husband has manipulated you into enabling his EA/PA. You wanted to do right by him, but placating his threesome notion, but alot of us are starting to think that you really don't have much intent on having a threesome, more that you want to do things that your pleases your husband.

If you want any chance of a succesfful marriage with your husband, destroy this talk of threesomes and make him agree to NC with this woman on any level again. No texts, no FB, not even a smile as they past one another at the work place. You should not give a rat's azz if he get's angry or not. The more angry he becomes, the more deeply caught up he is with this woman. End this craziness and reclaim your husband.

Ladies, be vary careful when you rubber stamp other women to be around you husband. Your husband can have the best intent, but you have no idea what the other party's motivation is. Actually, this can go both ways. Dudes can be equally shady when hanging with married females, but alot of times, the husband isn't cool with his married wife going out on runs with a single dude, i know i wouldn't be. We can do this together, before i let your go out with a "just in case of emergency **** - break glass."


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## Faithful Wife

This seems a little trollish. I dunno.


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## secretbride

This evening I brought it up because he has just been acting so distant. When I told him I wanted him to stop talking to her, he replied with a lie and said they stopped talking awhile ago. I told him about what I read. He immediately apologized and sent her an email saying how their relationship had gotten unprofessional and now he doesn't want to have any contact besides work. I still feel uneasy. This whole past month he had me convinced i was insanely insecure to the point where I was seeking therapy for it. He has never acted this way. Idk how we got to this point. I don't want to leave him because we have such an awesome life together. But this is really dragging me down.


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## IsGirl3

you are in some fantasy land if you think you have such an awesome life together. He's cheating on you!! (definitely EA, probably PA). are you saying, besides the cheating on you, everything is awesome?? He is a sneaking, lying, manipulative guy. And he gets angry at you and accuses you of being insecure? How manipulative for him to make you think that you should be fine and dandy while he's goggling this girl's dress and underwear. He's not awesome. He is pathetic for treating you like this and the nerve to make it out like you have the problem. He is totally manipulative. You have to be prepared to lose him and threaten divorce. Since he's cheating on you, he's already lost, so either you live with a cheating man who will cheat again, or you read him the riot act, and this time, you're the one who should be ripping screaming mad.


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## somethingelse

BEWARE....I went through this exact same thing with my H and my friend/co worker about 5 years ago. Same type of situation. Same conversations..EVERYTHING. 

I ended up getting very uncomfortable with the relationship that I could see building between my H and this "so called friend of ours" while we made plans to hang out with each other and go roller blading, have fun in the sun etc. She was Always around him when we were in the same area. She only ever talked good about him, and glowed when she did too. She would be right up on his a$$ all the time, and my H LOVED it. He would talk about threesomes and the whole bit with me also. Said she would totally be up for it.

But then it got sour just like you are talking about. I started noticing just those two becoming inappropriate around me and behind my back. I was kind of dumb at the time and thought it was great that they were getting along, because it had been so long since I met such a nice "friend". 

I ended up getting really worried about what my H was up to in his head about my "friend"...I told him I wanted nothing to do with her anymore, I told him I was never going to have a threesome. He snubbed me off and said she was a good friend etc. So the relationship continued (I was getting TICKED at this point) 

Anyway, long story short....since I decided not to have any sexual relations with this woman, my H and her decided to have their own rendezvous together. I ended up having to go to work the next day looking at her ugly face. 

DON'T let your H do this to you. You deserve WAY more respect than what he's giving you. He's just thinking with his second head right now...but if you keep letting this go on, afraid to lay down the line, he WILL cheat with this woman. She is totally up for it by what you have said. 

The signs are all here..the grounds are set


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## unbelievable

He's emailing a woman and asking to see her panties and promising to send naked pictures of his wife to her. He invited at least one other person to have sex with his wife....but you're insanely insecure? You'd be insane to feel secure. Not to be ugly, but if you two are so awesome together, why is he trying to get in this coworker's drawers? 
Maybe he's more awesome between your ears than he actually is in real life. There was some reason he deleted text messages on his phone. It sounds very much like he wants to nail this other girl. While talking inappropriately, she probably mentioned being bisexual and all of a sudden he's interested in a threesome or swinging? How long have you known this guy? Is this the first time he's asked you to bring someone else into your bedroom?


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## Theseus

secretbride said:


> What should I do?? I'm so stresed and have so much anxiety over this. Oh and I'm living in a foreign country where I have no loved ones around! I followed him halfway around the world for his job.



Normally I wouldn't comment in the Ladies Lounge, but earlier in life I WAS your husband, *and I can relate to what is going on 100%*. I'm not sure I can offer a solution, but I can at least explain what is going on.

I will clarify a few things. Everyone here is beating up on the husband, and he probably deserves it, but people are making a lot of incorrect assumptions.

First of all, this isn't an emotional affair, at least not the kind that you are all thinking of. He's not in love with this woman. *He's in love with the idea of the threesome.*

A lot of readers on TAM, particularly women, might not understand this, but a FFM threesome is pretty much the holy grail of fantasies. The biggest sex trophy ever for men. (It's probably the only thing I will regret never having done in life if I died today). It's a fantasy, and a strong one. It's easy to simply dismiss it when it's not your fantasy, but to him it's very important. The fact that you all lead active lives and go running and jiu-jitsu drives him even more. It means that he is physically very healthy and wants to make full use of that! 

When the OP agreed to the threesome, the husband was so much more loving and attentive because it was like Christmas Day was coming up. Then the OP tells him she changed her mind, and so totally pulled the plug on his fantasy. That's pretty cruel, especially after getting his hopes up like that. I can't blame him for suddenly being irritated.

Now communicating with the OW - he's doing that so she doesn't go away. He's hoping he can change his wife's mind, and he's trying to keep the OW around until that happens. He's worried that if he doesn't keep her on the hook, then she will "run away" and find another couple to play with. 

Good, bad, indifferent, that's whats going on in his mind.

I remember a discussion of a similar situation on a radio advice show. Some of the female guests who had threesomes were adamant that the man isn't the one who invites the OW into their bed, the WIFE should choose her instead. Just something else to consider.


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## Faithful Wife

I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but you really think we women don't know that a threesome is every man's main fantasy that he hopes to actually make happen?

C'mon. WE KNOW.....it doesn't change anything at all. It is STILL CHEATING.


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## Theseus

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but you really think we women don't know that a threesome is every man's main fantasy that he hopes to actually make happen?


Sure they know it's a fantasy, but a lot of women just don't realize how strong a fantasy it is.



> C'mon. WE KNOW.....it doesn't change anything at all. It is STILL CHEATING.


By definition, the threesome itself can't be cheating, since both of the couple participate. His contacting the woman on the side could be cheating, however.


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## Faithful Wife

Trust me....we know.


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## Shaggy

You realize you are the outsider in the relationship right?

The core pair are your husband and this girl.

You are nothing but a toy they are bringing in to entertain them.

When you get boring to them, they will again expell you.

This is not a threesome. This is your husband and the girl he loves including his wife in their play time.


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## IndiaInk

secretbride said:


> Later that night I went to sit with him while he was on the computer. *He was facebook chatting with the girl and told me he was uncomfortable with me seeing what they were talking about.
> *
> 
> WHAT!!! I told him immediately how uncomfortable I was. I had never seen him so angry. we had a huge fight, and I ended up feeling like the bad guy.



OMG

not even CLOSE to acceptable behavior from your husband

I'm thinking you're at ULTIMATUM stage


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## Shaggy

trentagxw said:


> I have no idea how to ask him to stop being friends with her. He doesn't know I saw his messages.


You say this,

"Do you want yo stay married or do you want to D? Right now X is destroying our marriage. So it s a very simple choice and there is no negotiation, Me and our marriage, or her and D. I won't give you a second chance, do choose now and forever. I can't control who you choose to be with, but I can choose nit to be with you if you are not faithful and loyal to me."


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## Adex

Theseus said:


> Normally I wouldn't comment in the Ladies Lounge, but earlier in life I WAS your husband, *and I can relate to what is going on 100%*. I'm not sure I can offer a solution, but I can at least explain what is going on.
> 
> I will clarify a few things. Everyone here is beating up on the husband, and he probably deserves it, but people are making a lot of incorrect assumptions.
> 
> First of all, this isn't an emotional affair, at least not the kind that you are all thinking of. He's not in love with this woman. *He's in love with the idea of the threesome.*
> 
> A lot of readers on TAM, particularly women, might not understand this, but a FFM threesome is pretty much the holy grail of fantasies. The biggest sex trophy ever for men. (It's probably the only thing I will regret never having done in life if I died today). It's a fantasy, and a strong one. It's easy to simply dismiss it when it's not your fantasy, but to him it's very important. The fact that you all lead active lives and go running and jiu-jitsu drives him even more. It means that he is physically very healthy and wants to make full use of that!
> 
> When the OP agreed to the threesome, the husband was so much more loving and attentive because it was like Christmas Day was coming up. Then the OP tells him she changed her mind, and so totally pulled the plug on his fantasy. That's pretty cruel, especially after getting his hopes up like that. I can't blame him for suddenly being irritated.
> 
> Now communicating with the OW - he's doing that so she doesn't go away. He's hoping he can change his wife's mind, and he's trying to keep the OW around until that happens. He's worried that if he doesn't keep her on the hook, then she will "run away" and find another couple to play with.
> 
> Good, bad, indifferent, that's whats going on in his mind.
> 
> I remember a discussion of a similar situation on a radio advice show. Some of the female guests who had threesomes were adamant that the man isn't the one who invites the OW into their bed, the WIFE should choose her instead. Just something else to consider.


I don't really agree. Having a threesome with another girl is not even my fantasy at all. I think he's having an EA and just basically wants to have sex with her. They might have already had sex or she might be witholding because she wants to have sex with the OP. This might be why the husband seems so desperate for the threesome.


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## old_soldier

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but you really think we women don't know that a threesome is every man's main fantasy that he hopes to actually make happen?
> 
> C'mon. WE KNOW.....it doesn't change anything at all. It is STILL CHEATING.


I do not have this fantasy. 

To me this whole multiple sex thing is sick and perverted. Not to mention disrespectful to the marriage vows and each other..


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## old_soldier

Theseus said:


> Normally I wouldn't comment in the Ladies Lounge, but earlier in life I WAS your husband, *and I can relate to what is going on 100%*. I'm not sure I can offer a solution, but I can at least explain what is going on.
> 
> I will clarify a few things. Everyone here is beating up on the husband, and he probably deserves it, but people are making a lot of incorrect assumptions.
> 
> First of all, this isn't an emotional affair, at least not the kind that you are all thinking of. He's not in love with this woman. *He's in love with the idea of the threesome.*
> 
> A lot of readers on TAM, particularly women, might not understand this, *but a FFM threesome is pretty much the holy grail of fantasies. The biggest sex trophy ever for men. *(It's probably the only thing I will regret never having done in life if I died today). It's a fantasy, and a strong one. It's easy to simply dismiss it when it's not your fantasy, but to him it's very important. The fact that you all lead active lives and go running and jiu-jitsu drives him even more. It means that he is physically very healthy and wants to make full use of that!
> 
> When the OP agreed to the threesome, the husband was so much more loving and attentive because it was like Christmas Day was coming up. Then the OP tells him she changed her mind, and so totally pulled the plug on his fantasy. That's pretty cruel, especially after getting his hopes up like that. I can't blame him for suddenly being irritated.
> 
> Now communicating with the OW - he's doing that so she doesn't go away. He's hoping he can change his wife's mind, and he's trying to keep the OW around until that happens. He's worried that if he doesn't keep her on the hook, then she will "run away" and find another couple to play with.
> 
> Good, bad, indifferent, that's whats going on in his mind.
> 
> I remember a discussion of a similar situation on a radio advice show. Some of the female guests who had threesomes were adamant that the man isn't the one who invites the OW into their bed, the WIFE should choose her instead. Just something else to consider.


I call horse puckies on that one!

The husband is a pervert, plain and simple, IMHO.


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## Theseus

Adex said:


> I don't really agree. Having a threesome with another girl is not even my fantasy at all.


No one said it was YOUR fantasy.


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## Theseus

old_soldier said:


> I do not have this fantasy.
> 
> To me this whole multiple sex thing is sick and perverted.


To each their own. But as Faithful Wife pointed out above, there are an awful lot of men who disagree with you.



> Not to mention disrespectful to the marriage vows and each other..


Not sure about yours, but my marriage vows didn't say "no threesomes".


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## Adex

Theseus said:


> A lot of readers on TAM, particularly women, might not understand this, but a FFM threesome is pretty much the holy grail of fantasies. The biggest sex trophy ever for men.


You were saying it's pretty much every man's fantasy. I disagree. In fact, if you do a poll on it, I bet most men WOULD NOT pick threesome as their ultimate fantasy.


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## EleGirl

trentagxw said:


> I have no idea how to ask him to stop being friends with her. He doesn't know I saw his messages.


Your husband works with her? Is either one of them the other's supervisor, manager, etc?

If you feel that you need more info about what he's up to, then put a keylogger on the computer. I will capture his texts, emails, passwords, etc. I would do this because I know that cheaters are liars. As you have already seen he twists things around, turns it on you, etc. If you use a keylogger, do not tell him you are doing it. Get your solid evidence so that you know what's he's really up to. Don't tell him until you have enough evidence so that you feel strong in standing up to him.

Then you don't ask him to stop being friends with her. And then you tell him that there are things he needs to do if he wants to stay in the marriage with you: 

he will end his relationship with her.
he will start looking for a new job so he does not have to see her at work.
he will give you the passwords to all of his online accounts.
he will go to marriage counseling with you


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## Theseus

Adex said:


> You were saying it's pretty much every man's fantasy. I disagree. In fact, if you do a poll on it, I bet most men WOULD NOT pick threesome as their ultimate fantasy.



I'm pretty confident that you would lose that bet. There are plenty of polls out there, for example here, here, and here, and all of them list a threesome either in the #1 or #2 place on men's fantasies.

Regardless, I think you and others missed my point. I was only giving the husband's point of view in this situation. I wasn't trying to justify it.


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## Starstarfish

Except, there's no guarantee that that's his point of view, that's an assumption at best. 

I think if nothing else, the choice to pursuit this kind of thing was a co-worker was a bad choice. If it does work out, and the threesome happens things can get weird at work, if it doesn't work out and it never happens, the interim naked pic sharing/sexy FBing is still going to make things awkward at work. Hell - I'd question at what point do you sit around at work and start discussing how many guys/girls you've "done" and your sexual fantasies? 

So while I appreciate that people have fantasies and that for some men, the idea of a MFF threesome is the "holy grail" of sex - one still has to use some common sense. And I'd say pursing sex with a co-worker is pretty much, universally a bad idea. 

Also - while marriage vows might not have said "No threesomes" specifically, I think its pretty common that most say something along the lines of "Forsaking all others." Of course, how the couple in question interprets that is up to them, however - I would think if one of the partners was seriously considering actively pursing including extra people in their sex lives, the time for that discussion was before marriage, so that indeed the expected sexual boundaries can be discussed. 

But - changing the rules mid-stream and expecting the other half to accept it, because you know "its the holy grail of sex" - hmm, not so much.


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## Theseus

Starstarfish said:


> Except, there's no guarantee that that's his point of view, that's an assumption at best.


Sure, but everything described is so close to the way I once behaved that it's eerie.



> one still has to use some common sense. And I'd say pursing sex with a co-worker is pretty much, universally a bad idea.


Oh, I agree.



> Also - while marriage vows might not have said "No threesomes" specifically, I think its pretty common that most say something along the lines of "Forsaking all others."


Even in a threesome or an open marriage, you certainly need to put your spouses's needs first. You can't literally "forsake all others" (definition of "forsake" is to "_renounce or turn away from entirely_") because then you wouldn't have any friends, or a relationship with the rest of your family or children.



> Of course, how the couple in question interprets that is up to them, however - I would think if one of the partners was seriously considering actively pursing including extra people in their sex lives, the time for that discussion was before marriage, so that indeed the expected sexual boundaries can be discussed.


In a perfect world yes, but that's not realistic. When people are married 10, 20, 30 years, tastes change, needs change, they realize what they want, etc. There's nothing wrong with at least discussing it with your partner after marriage.



> But - changing the rules mid-stream and expecting the other half to accept it, because you know "its the holy grail of sex" - hmm, not so much.


True. In this case it looked like the wife initially agreed to it but then changed her mind after the husband had already started making a connection with the other couple, so that just complicated the situation.


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## Maricha75

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but you really think we women don't know that *a threesome is every man's main fantasy that he hopes to actually make happen*?
> 
> C'mon. WE KNOW.....it doesn't change anything at all. It is STILL CHEATING.


Ummm... No, it is not EVERY man's fantasy. I know quite a few men who actually find the thought of beign with anyone other than their own spouses to be repulsive. It may be the fantasy of MANY men, but it certainly is NOT the fantasy of EVERY man.


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## Maricha75

Theseus said:


> To each their own. But as Faithful Wife pointed out above, there are an awful lot of men who disagree with you.


No, she said *every* man, not "an awful lot of men"... big difference there.




Theseus said:


> Not sure about yours, but my marriage vows didn't say "no threesomes".


So.... am I to assume that your vows omitted the "forsaking all others"? Funny, it was included in mine.


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## TiggyBlue

Maricha75 said:


> So.... am I to assume that your vows omitted the "forsaking all others"? Funny, it was included in mine.


Not a good sign when people start trying to find loopholes in vows :rofl:


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## TiggyBlue

Theseus said:


> True. In this case it looked like the wife initially agreed to it but then changed her mind after the husband had already started making a connection with the other couple, so that just complicated the situation.


The connection with the woman was already there before he approached his wife. 
This wasn't a couple who decided let's have a threesome and went looking for someone when one backed out,
this was a man who met someone who he wanted to sleep with and tried to find a way to technically 'morally' do it.


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## Theseus

Maricha75 said:


> So.... am I to assume that your vows omitted the "forsaking all others"? Funny, it was included in mine.


I believe the meaning there is simply that you vow not to marry anyone else. If we had a threesome, neither of us would marry the other person, so it has nothing against our vows. 

If you take it to mean have no one else in your life at all, then you create problems. As I pointed out above, the definition of forsake literally means to _"renounce or turn away from entirely_". In that case, you would have to entirely cut out your parents, siblings, friends, and children, etc out of your life! That of course would be absurd. 

Or you can interpret it the way you want to, which in this case maybe you see the meaning as no sex with other people. But the vow doesn't say anything about sex, so you are giving it your own interpretation. I suppose TiggyBlue sees that as a "loophole" also but I disagree.

Since the vow is far from clear, it's better to go to the intent, which seems to be to make your spouse your special companion for life. There's nothing wrong with interpreting it diffe


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## Caribbean Man

TiggyBlue said:


> Not a good sign when people start trying to find loopholes in vows :rofl:


Definitely a bad omen.


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## Theseus

Caribbean Man said:


> Definitely a bad omen.


Once again, please look at the definition of "forsake" (that I explained twice now). If you don't use a "loophole" and followed this vow literally, then you would have to cut out all other family, friends, and even children from your life after you get married!


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## that_girl

Oh geebus.

:rofl:

Seriously?

Mine didn't say that. Mine said, "To love you and only you."

Maybe I should have put 'won't troll on CL for sex parties with hoochies."


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## Caribbean Man

Theseus said:


> Once again, please look at the definition of "forsake" (that I explained twice now). If you don't use a "loophole" and followed this vow literally, then you would have to cut out all other family, friends, and even children from your life after you get married!


Just kidding bro...:rofl:
I understand what you're saying. These things can be taken literally and figuratively. But I prefer conventional wisdom.
Only my wife and I, no threesomes!

Proceed.


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## old_soldier

Theseus said:


> To each their own. But as Faithful Wife pointed out above, there are an awful lot of men who disagree with you.
> 
> 
> 
> Not sure about yours, but *my marriage vows didn't say "no threesomes".*




I'll bet it did;

"Foresaking all others and having only unto you." "To love you, to honour you and to cherish you"

IMHO there is no honour in sharing ones spouce. And one can certainly not cherish someone if ther is a third party in the mix.


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## old_soldier

Theseus said:


> I believe the meaning there is simply that you vow not to marry anyone else. If we had a threesome, neither of us would marry the other person, so it has nothing against our vows.
> 
> If you take it to mean have no one else in your life at all, then you create problems. As I pointed out above, the definition of forsake literally means to _"renounce or turn away from entirely_". *In that case, you would have to entirely cut out your parents, siblings, friends, and children, etc out of your life!* That of course would be absurd.
> 
> Or you can interpret it the way you want to, which in this case maybe you see the meaning as no sex with other people. But the vow doesn't say anything about sex, so you are giving it your own interpretation. I suppose TiggyBlue sees that as a "loophole" also but I disagree.
> 
> Since the vow is far from clear, it's better to go to the intent, which seems to be to make your spouse your special companion for life. There's nothing wrong with interpreting it diffe


Again I call horse puckies, the whole statement, like I said above is "foresaking all others and having only unto you" *Means no sex with someone else*


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## Maricha75

old_soldier said:


> Again I call horse puckies, the whole statement, like I said above is "foresaking all others and having only unto you" *Means no sex with someone else*


You should know by now that many people like to rewrite the vows so they don't have to give up that which they object to.


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## old_soldier

Theseus said:


> To each their own. But as Faithful Wife pointed out above, *there are an awful lot of men who disagree with you.*
> 
> Not sure about yours, but my marriage vows didn't say "no threesomes".


At the risk of being labled "judgemental", I think those men are perverts anyway.

For what "foresaking all others" means, check out this link

What does the marriage vow "forsake all others" mean to YOU? ? - Yahoo! Answers


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## Thundarr

SecretBride,
Navigating jealousy, insecuring, etc is probably tough with the whole 3some/4some stuff but assuming you are the type to handle it ok, you still can't be pressured into and anything good happen.

Boundaries are being crossed because he knows you're not comfortable with this girl. So put on your big girl panties and put you foot down.


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## Theseus

old_soldier said:


> At the risk of being labled "judgemental", I think those men are perverts anyway.
> 
> For what "foresaking all others" means, check out this link
> 
> What does the marriage vow "forsake all others" mean to YOU? ? - Yahoo! Answers



Maybe you missed this, but it's incredibly ironic that at your link the "best answer" on that page is from a couple who say they have been happy swingers for 25 years!


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## Maricha75

Theseus said:


> Maybe you missed this, but it's incredibly ironic that at your link the "best answer" on that page is from a couple who say they have been swingers for 25 years!


"Best answer" because 2 people "voted" it as the best answer to the question. Never mind the fact that there were at least two replies which got 3 "likes" each, and they were in line with what old_soldier and I said. Maybe you missed that part, huh?


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## Theseus

Maricha75 said:


> Never mind the fact that there were at least two replies which got 3 "likes" each, and they were in line with what old_soldier and I said. Maybe you missed that part, huh?


Not to get into a nitpick fest, but actually those other answers didn't contradict mine either. Anyway, if two people have taken a vow to each other, then I can't see it as breaking your vows if they both agree to something. That's obviously not the case with the OP in this thread, however.


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