# Leaving me because of sex..



## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

My wife of 20 months told me yesterday she was leaving me and filing for divorce because I was not attentive enough to her sexually. This is something that is a common topic here, but mine has a bit different twist. She is 33 and I am 56. That is a huge age gap. But this is something we knew, obviously, going into this. Our marriage has been overall good - except for this one, very important area. She is a pretty woman, a size 2, healthy for the most part and I have no issue with my attraction to her. When we do have sex, it is satisfying for both of us. I am in very good physical shape and keep fit and she appreciates that. We have no children together - I had a vasectomy so we are not having children. She has a 12 year old who lives with us from her first marriage. My kid is nearly 30 and lives away. 
As much as I enjoy sex, my abilities have diminished with age. I have been to a specialist who says my blood levels are normal and I do take medicine for the ED issues that are common among men my age. We average about twice a week, although I know she would like more. I feel I am doing my best. We both work long hours (me most days 11 - 12 hours - her 8- 9 hours) and I am exhausted when I get home. What does the community here think about ending an otherwise good marriage based on sexual frequency?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

My ex was around that age when our marriage went south, and our first child was very difficult (she suffered post partum depression continuously), she chose to have a tubal ligation against my stance on the subject (I still fully supported her in her decision). In less than 2 years after divorce (a quick amicable divorce at that) she was remarried, to a man of her preferred skin color and had had her tubal reversed and was pregnant. I would not be surprised if your W's hasty choices are being largely influenced by her biological clock, she is looking to bring new life into the world and has it in her head the only way to reasonably do so is to leave you and try all over with someone new and potent, and whom she can rationalize as some sort of an upgrade in her mind. It has nothing to do with you, it is your W who has chosen this path for herself unilaterally so there is no point kicking yourself or feeling inadequate because your STBXW is the one acting impulsively and without regard for long term consequences. At least you have invested less than 2 years on her, fwiw, better to find this out now than much later.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

It might be more to do with sexy than sex. Honestly a 56 year old man is not very appealing to a 30 something woman usually. She is young, pretty and petite she knows she can do better.

Why did you marry a woman so much younger? Sorry but you were headed for disaster from day one. Might have been better to just have a FWB thing with her but marriage was not the best idea.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Going forward you must recognize the difference in maturity levels at the different ages. She may have seen you initially as a secure, stable choice for her and her daughter. Upon further reflection she now sees that the sexual aspect was more important to her than stability and security, unless, of course, she is planning to try and take you for all she can, which may have been her plan all along.

It seems unlikely that she would leave you for lack of sexual activity when things average twice weekly, especially considering she was fully aware going in and for the time you two were "dating" and if all other areas of the marriage are amicable. One would think that she could easily "self administer" once or twice more a week and be satiated. It seems more likely that she either no longer sees you as necessary for security and stability (another man possibly?) or she had planned to try and fleece you all along.

I feel most sorry for her daughter, what a lesson she is learning from this woman. And to have a step dad for 20 months and then not. She is offering her daughter little in the way of permanence. Regrettable.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

How was the frequency before you got married, and was it limited by opportunity to see each other, or not? Was there a change afterwards? There may be other issues here, but IMO, sexual incompatibility is a valid reason to end a marriage.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Ugh. You have what some of us can only dream/fantasize about. Do you need to work 11-12 hours a day? If not, work two hours less, then go bang your wife.

Ok, the proper TAM response is " You two are not sexually compatible. It is best for both of you to divorce". (Now I have to go flog myself for saying that.)

You did not say if your problem was getting an erection more than twice a week or if you are just physically tired and not wanting to have sex. There is a BIG difference between the two. No doubt you are tired after working 11-12 hours a day. Well, at least you have your priorities straight. Work over sex.

BTW are you "THE" Truthseeker?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Many times, the excuse of sexual incompatibility in a marriage is just that - an excuse. Those are generally things that are fixable. So if this has been an issue for any sort of time period during your marriage and you weren't totally blindsided by it, then clearly there wasn't much fixing going on.

However, if you were blindsided by it, and generally didn't know there was a sexual incompatibility issue, then there's most definitely something else at the heart of this. Whether it be she's got somebody on the side, or she simply isn't attracted to you, or there's other marriage-related issues going on. Thus making the sexual side of things the scapegoat.

Many 33 year old women are in their so-called "sexual prime". This has been debunked often enough and it makes many people roll their eyes, but I believe there's some truth to it. Honestly, I believe men are the same. For those men and women to whom sex is important, you are now realizing that finding a partner to settle down with (ostensibly forever) should also include one who is sexually compatible with you.

The irony about the age thing is that your wife may actually be perfectly fine with twice a week - if she were married to a man her age. My wife (same age as me) is happy with once a week, but she knows I WANT more. There's something to be said about knowing one is desired by their partner. If I showed little to no sexual interest in my wife - despite her being LD and sex not being a huge issue for her - she'd make it one, subconsciously. She'd notice the lack of interest and desire in her in due time, and she'd likely bring it up to me.

If it so happens that your wife knows twice a week is all you can muster, then that'll affect how she views you, unfortunately, as you are not showing her that desire. If she knows that's basically the max, and the likelihood that it'll probably trend downwards over time, then that's not good.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Twice a week isn't too bad. Especially since you say it's good.
She either has a new man, means to fleece you, or has just fallen out of love. Thing is, once their mind is made up, there's no since worrying about it. You did mess up marrying a woman so young, but whatever. It's not important now. 
What is important is that you protect yourself and accept that she's gone. Try to be happy for the time you had with her, try to look forward, and realize that it's not your fault and there's nothing you can do but accept it.
Sorry. It happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

She said you weren't "attentive" enough, so is she talking about quality or quantity? 

You both work long hours, so I'm wondering are you guys making time for proper intimacy & foreplay? 

Did she say anything else? 

It's unusual for a spouse to divorce from a stable marriage just because of quantity of sex. Considering it is happening frequently. 

How many times before has she brought up this issue? 
Is there any other issues that are causing concern for a divorce? 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MrsAldi said:


> She said you weren't "attentive" enough, so is she talking about quality or quantity?


This. I know for me that the times per week discussions that happen on here leave me baffled. We certainly have what we jokingly call maintenance sex. But for me, what really makes sex good is when he is all INTO me. When he looks at me with hunger. When I am all INTO him. When I can make him go raaaaawwwr. Frankly, this does not happen all the time. But when it does, it is so damned awesome and special.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Guys/gals why is OP being blamed for marrying a much younger woman?
> 
> So you think age is not a factor? That's ridiculous. Surely you see the multitude of problems associated with being 20yrs older than one's spouse!!!!?????
> 
> ...


She's said she wants a divorce. You think she's going to change her mind with some "minor adjustments?"
I personally don't think so. I hope you're right.

Question for OP: do you make many times more money than she does? Say, 5 times as much or more?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

MrsAldi said:


> She said you weren't "attentive" enough, so is she talking about quality or quantity?


^ This. Did she clarify what part you weren't attentive enough with?

Also, any other known issues in your marriage?

Honestly, it could simply be she is having "buyers remorse" after getting married given you are only 20 months in. Also wouldn't be surprised if she has "options" on the side that is helping to drive her decision.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I have an older hb, so I could probably add something to this discussion. 

But I'm not going to until OP comes back.

All I'm going to say right now is that men are advised to leave over sexual incompatibility all the time. 

23 years is a big gap and a big risk..... there was always the possibility that she'd decide is wasn't working for her. Who's really getting the better end of the deal here?

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I know I'm not OP, but what do you mean by this sentence life; it's going over my head.


They are at different points is life and he's aging much more rapidly than her, so even if it once seemed like a good idea to her it's quite possible that she'd decide she didn't want to be saddled with a guy that much older when she has a lot of other possibilities. 

Older men look at younger women but ime they tend to vastly overestimate what they bring to the table. They might be able to get one if the have some security to offer but fact is she's still going to be scoping out men her own age, and as, he keeps getting older he's going to look like less and less of a deal.

If you look at this logically, what does he bring compared to her other possibilities? She may have come to the conclusion that she doesn't want to slender her prime years on a guy who's so much older.

Older men aren't as good of a deal for younger women as they think they are, inked they have a ton of money and in that case it's about the money. 

I'm just saying that men who aren't sexually satisfied are frequently told that they only have life to live and is this how they want to live it. 

Well that's what she's asking herself. 

I know given my hb's age it's strange for me to have this view but I think in general it holds.

Particularly if the younger woman is on her 20's when they get together. I'd bet that failure rate is a lot higher. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Particularly if the younger woman is on her 20's when they get together. I'd bet that failure rate is a lot higher.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know if there are any sort of statistics out there, but would be interesting to see is there a common theme with failure rates in marriages as it relates to age gap.

I do worry since I am the younger one in my marriage how soon before my wife's aging gets out of hand .... she is 2 months older than me, and I make sure to remind her of that frequently >


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

It just felt right at the time so made the commitment. Guess age is a tough nut to crack, though. It is what it is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have a question unrelated to your sex life.

You work a lot of hours and are tired most of the time. 

So how much quality time do the two of you spend together? Just the two of you. Doing things that you both enjoy? 

What do the two of you do with your time when you are not at work?


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

A little more frequent before in the beginning, but isn't that typical of all relationships?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> I have an older hb, so I could probably add something to this discussion.
> 
> But I'm not going to until OP comes back.
> 
> ...


I don't think men are advised to leave if they are having quality sex twice a week.

My guess is that the OP's wife either isn't getting the quality sex that the OP thinks, or more likely, she is using sex as an excuse to leave the marriage because of other issues or other man.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @EllisRedding
> 
> 
> For God's sake, put a shirt on


Done, just changed it to a family picture.


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

I make about twice what she makes. The long hours are tough, and I know I can try to be more creative in the bedroom (oral, etc.). But its impossible to match the stamina of a woman who is little over half my age. Most men think I am lucky..wow, I have a hot young wife who has a strong sex drive!


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

Yes, she said are marriage was good otherwise too. I have asked her to try to focus on the sexual compatibility issues alone and try to work through that. But she is very upset and feels frustrated. Irony is when I was younger (in my 30's and 40's), I had a very high sex drive but no steady partners. Now I have one and these issues. 
One thing I should add. I have been on an antidepressant notorious for reducing sex drive an SSRI called Celexa. She knows this obviously. I want to quit taking it but worry about the depression returning.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Stress will drain you. I cannot imagine how you can work 11-12 hours a day, and still find time to hit the gym, interact with your wife, sleep, eat etc AND have satisfying sex.


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

We do alot of things together when we are not working. We like the outdoors, work out together when we can, go to the city, see a movie together, or just talk. This is why I know the main issue driving us apart is sex. But as I posted earlier, the SSRI may be a huge factor.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Stress will drain you. I cannot imagine how you can work 11-12 hours a day, and still find time to hit the gym, interact with your wife, sleep, eat etc AND have satisfying sex.


It can be done, pretty much what I do daily. However, I am sure big difference is age (I am much younger). Ask me in about 20 yrs and I may have a different answer though lol.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You have been given very good advice.

Some of the advice raises the hair on "your" neck....I hope.

I hope the possibility of her marrying you to get a good settlement are not true.

I hope the possibility of her marrying you was not done "on a whim". She was swimming in rough water and she landed on your island....but never was going to stay....really selfish if true.

I hope she does not have someone on the side, in reality, in a fantasy ....or one that she can sees a better future with. @EllisReading mentioned buyers remorse...good point.



Oh....this is important, she said she is divorcing you because the sex is not satisfactory? How cruel. What an ingrate. That is the lowest blow a women can deliver to a man.

This MAY BE the reason. But for her to verbalize it is nasty.....she is nasty. Sorry.

If she wants to end the marriage there are many "other" respectful reasons that she could state. No, she uttered "that" from twisted lips, mimicking her twisted cruel mind. She is an immature Twit.

One would HOPE that is why she married you, that she is immature...does not think things through....and NOT that she is underhanded. I suspect that others in her circle of friends and relatives pushed her into divorcing. They likely said this to her face-------> WTF are/where you thinking? This marriage was doomed from the start. Peer pressure is a strong wind.

Her first SO let her drift away.. I can see why. Flaky she be.

You took a BIG gamble in marrying her. A gamble that "most" people would say is "unwise" and fraught with future problems.

That said.....you TOO are immature in thinking that this was a wise move.... marrying her.

Enjoy the memories that you had with her. 

She wants to be in your rearview mirror. Drive on.


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

We all work crazy hours. I come in very early - before 4 AM - so I can get home early. I have cut back on the weekends though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> Oh....this is important, she said she is divorcing you because the sex is not satisfactory? How cruel. What an ingrate. That is the lowest blow a women can deliver to a man.


I disagree that she's cruel or an ingrate. 

Ingrate means that he's doing something extra ordinary for her and she does not appreciate it. Well he's done nothing extraordinary.

Cruel? Not really. They are apparently sexually incompatible. She told him that he is not meeting her sexual needs. What's wrong with telling the truth?

Better that she tell the truth and get out of the marriage than she not tell the truth and leave him with no idea of what went wrong.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> My wife of 20 months told me yesterday she was leaving me and filing for divorce because I was not attentive enough to her sexually. This is something that is a common topic here, but mine has a bit different twist. She is 33 and I am 56. That is a huge age gap. But this is something we knew, obviously, going into this. Our marriage has been overall good - except for this one, very important area. She is a pretty woman, a size 2, healthy for the most part and I have no issue with my attraction to her. When we do have sex, it is satisfying for both of us. I am in very good physical shape and keep fit and she appreciates that. We have no children together - I had a vasectomy so we are not having children. She has a 12 year old who lives with us from her first marriage. My kid is nearly 30 and lives away.
> As much as I enjoy sex, my abilities have diminished with age. I have been to a specialist who says my blood levels are normal and I do take medicine for the ED issues that are common among men my age. We average about twice a week, although I know she would like more. I feel I am doing my best. We both work long hours (me most days 11 - 12 hours - her 8- 9 hours) and I am exhausted when I get home. What does the community here think about ending an otherwise good marriage based on sexual frequency?


How, exactly, did she manage to blow up up her first marriage? :scratchhead:

Oh, sorry, I mean what perfectly valid reasons did she have for ending her first marriage?


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

I am going to see one about getting off this stuff for good. I know there are other ones out there that may have less side effects. Good advice!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> Yes, she said are marriage was good otherwise too. I have asked her to try to focus on the sexual compatibility issues alone and try to work through that. But she is very upset and feels frustrated. Irony is when I was younger (in my 30's and 40's), I had a very high sex drive but no steady partners. Now I have one and these issues.
> One thing I should add. I have been on an antidepressant notorious for reducing sex drive an SSRI called Celexa. She knows this obviously. I want to quit taking it but worry about the depression returning.


You might want to talk to your doctor about taking Wellbutrin. It usually increases both energy levels and sex drive.


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

I don't think she is cruel either, Ele Girl, just frustrated. She has not filed the papers yet. But it still stings, of course. Biologically, us men are drawn to younger women - its just how we are wired. But as many have said, I also need to think with the right "head". But I saw other things in her when we met that transcended age and sex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> How, exactly, did she manage to blow up up her first marriage? :scratchhead:
> 
> Oh, sorry, I mean what perfectly valid reasons did she have for ending her first marriage?


Oh come on, sexual incompatibility is a perfectly good reason to end a marriage. 

I've seen plenty of HD men here on TAM being told that if their wife will not meet his need and increase their sex life, that he should leave her because they are sexually incompatible.


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

Her first husband married her at 19 and she had a child at 21. He was about 25. From what I have been told, he had no interest in her after a year or two, and little interest in their child. She lived in Russia. She divorced him after he said he wanted nothing to do with either of them and moved to the United States.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just let her go. In fact, _tell_ her to go.

Oh, and make sure she takes the kid w/ her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

I told her that I respect her decision in so much as sex is a very crucial part of life and marriage. What troubled me is her rushing to end it after 20 months without me making some changes (get rid of the SSRI, try to please her orally, etc.).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> I don't think she is cruel either, Ele Girl, just frustrated. She has not filed the papers yet. But it still stings, of course. Biologically, us men are drawn to younger women - its just how we are wired. But as many have said, I also need to think with the right "head". But I saw other things in her when we met that transcended age and sex.


Of course it stings. But just like men seem to biologically drawn to younger women, young women with a high sex drive are, in the end, not drawn to older guys with lower sex drives. It goes both ways. This is reality.

It's why a lot of older women who still have a good/high sex drive are drawn to younger men. And today, since a lot has changed socially, older women can now go for the younger men. And yes there are younger men who like older women.

But, just like the older man & younger woman often does not work over the long run, older woman and younger man usually does not work over the long run. Not in today's world in which people have more choices and can leave a marriage easily when their sexual needs are not met.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Oh come on, sexual incompatibility is a perfectly good reason to end a marriage.
> 
> I've seen plenty of HD men here on TAM being told that if their wife will not meet his need and increase their sex life, that he should leave her because they are sexually incompatible.


I am 59. My wife is six years younger than me.

I'd love to have sex every day. Three times a day, maybe.

However, my wife doesn't. She has a very low sex drive and has expressed sympathy for me as she knows I have a much higher sex drive than her.

So, I take care of myself.

Could I move on to someone else with a higher sex drive? Perhaps.

But I married for love, which includes sex with the woman I love, when she is OK with having sex.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> I told her that I respect her decision in so much as sex is a very crucial part of life and marriage. What troubled me is her rushing to end it after 20 months without me making some changes (get rid of the SSRI, try to please her orally, etc.).


So a) she has no interest in you or this marriage anymore and b) most likely has someone waiting in the wings.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> I told her that I respect her decision in so much as sex is a very crucial part of life and marriage. What troubled me is her rushing to end it after 20 months without me making some changes (get rid of the SSRI, try to please her orally, etc.).


Maybe I'm asking too many questions here, if so just tell me. But I'm trying to figure her out.

You say that maybe you could try to please her orally. Have you not been doing that?

How about her? Does she please you orally or a regular basis?

How often is she having orgasms during sex, not just during PIV?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sexual incompatibility can be a huge problem in a marriage, often an insurmountable one. It may actually be best for you to be divorced.

I expect she got married thinking that the sex would become more frequent and varied once you settled in. You got married thinking it would become less frequent once you settled in. You started out barely compatible and drifted further away.

No one's fault, just two people taking an overly positive view due to love. 


There is a huge range in what people expect in a marriage. You say
"I can try to be more creative in the bedroom (oral, etc.)" which suggests you put oral in the category of "creative". That is fine and one common view, but to others oral is one of the most basic sexual activities, and "creative" involves handcuffs, feathers, costumes, sex toys, whips, strapons etc. 

The physical limitations of age may not be the issue, but rather that you have very different ideas of what constitutes exciting sex. 

Have you offered to do what she wants in bed, give her oral when she wants (if she wants it ) etc. You don't NEED to do that, but she also has a right to leave if she is unhappy.


This might be way of the mark - I only know the little that you have posted here. 




TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> I make about twice what she makes. The long hours are tough, and I know I can try to be more creative in the bedroom (oral, etc.). But its impossible to match the stamina of a woman who is little over half my age. Most men think I am lucky..wow, I have a hot young wife who has a strong sex drive!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> I am 59. My wife is six years younger than me.
> 
> I'd love to have sex every day. Three times a day, maybe.
> 
> ...


We are all different. You are able to live with your situation for the reasons that you describe.

We don't know all of the parameters of the OP's marriage. There is often more going on that is not told. For some reason his wife feels that she is not getting what she needs in the marriage. To disparage her for it, when she's not here to defend herself is really not helpful. That's how I think about it anyway.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

My take is she using sex as the excuse to make it 'okay' for her to leave. You can focus on that, but won't get anywhere, because it's not her real reason. Her actual reason for wanting out of the marriage is likely not socially acceptable. Figure out her real reason for leaving and you'll either want our too, or have an understanding of what really needs fixing.


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

I do please her orally some times - its about even - she does as well. But I believe she really wants sex almost every day to be happy - or at least 5 times per week. I do take Cialis, which helps when we are intimate.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Does she want intercourse 5 times / week, or just some form of sexual activity? Would she be happy with fingers, oral, toys etc, or does she want PIV.

She is free to want what she wants. You are free to do or not do what you want. In the end you may or may not be compatible. If you are not compatible, don't try to force things - that leads down a long miserable road.




TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> I do please her orally some times - its about even - she does as well. But I believe she really wants sex almost every day to be happy - or at least 5 times per week. I do take Cialis, which helps when we are intimate.


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

She wants to orgasm - she needs the release, she has said.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> I do please her orally some times - its about even - she does as well. But I believe she really wants sex almost every day to be happy - or at least 5 times per week. I do take Cialis, which helps when we are intimate.


Men get off sexually both through PIV and through oral.

For women it is very different. Most women cannot orgasm via PIV. PIV is very special, feels incredible, but it does not lead to orgasm for most women. So women need more stimulation.

That's why I asked how often she has an orgasm. It's an important question that you did not answer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> She wants to orgasm - she needs the release, she has said.


I'm HD and sex every day is my preference.

What I've found is that without the daily orgasm, I do not do as well emotionally... basically I get depressed. For some people sex is their anti-depressant. It's a very good one. Could that be what's going on with her?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> I told her that I respect her decision in so much as sex is a very crucial part of life and marriage. What troubled me is her rushing to end it after 20 months without me making some changes (get rid of the SSRI, try to please her orally, etc.).


Can you clarify, it still isn't clear, have you both talked about this issue before and tried to address it? Your post makes it seem like she just simply told you she wants a divorce b/c her sexual needs aren't being met. Something just seems off here, but maybe some details are being left out?


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

She orgasms most of the time we have PIV. I think the issue is frequency - not that she is not achieving through PIV or oral. Guess I should get a boost of confidence that I can satisfy her through intercourse most times.


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

Yes we have discussed this before. I know this has been an issue and I have seeked medical help (Cialis) and am looking at taking another Anti Depressant. Not sure any 56 year old man can completely keep up with a woman in her early 30's, but I am certainly trying.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> She orgasms most of the time we have PIV. I think the issue is frequency - not that she is not achieving through PIV or oral. Guess I should get a boost of confidence that I can satisfy her through intercourse most times.


Not to burst your bubble, but if a woman has an orgasm through PIV, it's due to they way she is built down there, not due to the guy she's having PIV with. 

If the distance between the virginal and the clitoris is too great, she'll never have a PIV orgasm without extra stimulation.

So if you wife has PIV orgasms every time, she's a lucky woman to be built differently than about 80% of women. 

Or she's faking it. Sadly there are women who do this. It's not fair to their partner or to herself.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> She orgasms most of the time we have PIV. *I think the issue is frequency *- not that she is not achieving through PIV or oral. Guess I should get a boost of confidence that I can satisfy her through intercourse most times.





TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> Poster asked if we discussed before..Yes we have. I know this has been an issue and I have seeked medical help (Cialis) and am looking at taking another Anti Depressant. Not sure any 56 year old man can completely keep up with a woman in her early 30's, but I am certainly trying.


OK, so you have discussed before, but per the bolded you said you "think" the issue is frequency. If you have discussed, shouldn't you know what the issue is and not think you know?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i think there is a big difference with supposedly comparative situations where one spouse is being literally 'starved' of sex, as in
a few times a year, constantly begging, quite literally a sexless marriage. This is intolerable.

here however, we have a situation where they are having sex two times a week which is pretty 'normal' for a lot of couples, especially 
busy professionals. supposedly good sex. i don' think his situation is comparable to other sexless marriages that are being referred to here.
in addition, this guy is not callous about his wife's needs. he is trying. maybe he could try harder.

and i don't buy the adage in this case that 'everyone has a right to their own expectations'. up to a point yes, but it seems to me, a true level of desperation hasn't been met.
maybe there's more than meets the eye? quite possibly, but we only know so far what he's told us. 

this, at least on the face of it seems outrageous to me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> Yes we have discussed this before. I know this has been an issue and I have seeked medical help (Cialis) and am looking at taking another Anti Depressant. Not sure any 56 year old man can completely keep up with a woman in her early 30's, but I am certainly trying.


There are it seems, plenty of lower drive 30 year old women. You seem to have had the bad luck of picking a very high drive woman.


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

On our wedding night (less than 2 years ago ) we had sex - no exaggeration - at least 5 times maybe more. I know I can physically do it (not every day). But I was not taken the SSRI than. One interesting thing - taking an SSRI is known to also delay ejaculation. So why it reduces my sex drive, I can really keep going. Sometimes I can go 3 or 4 times before I orgasm - insuring that she will have one through PIV sex.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Seems like she is hitting her peak, when she wants it all the time. So, time to make some changes. Put yourself on new meds and can you on the blue pills? 

Can you guys talk about sex? You know aids?

She is also probably needing more time with you. So, you might want to work less hours and spend time relaxing with your wife. 

I hope you guys can make some changes before it gets to divorce. 
Good luck @THRUTHSEEKER60


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> There are it seems, plenty of lower drive 30 year old women. You seem to have had the bad luck of picking a very high drive woman.


I guess, although most men would hardly consider a sexy 30 something woman who has a very high sex drive bad luck!


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I think you may be leaving some critical info out here:

How long has she been in the US, and specifically how long before you began dating?

How did you meet? 

Did your marriage make her a US citizen?


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

@TRUTHSEEKER60 I'm 50; and have been married to my husband for decades. So my advice doesn't fit your 30-something wife. It does make me sad though, when love can't help to work out sexual issues.

And definitely see about changing your AD, if possible. After my husband started taking them, that was sort of the last straw. He can't sustain an erection now. I hope that doesn't happen to you.

It doesn't sound like your wife had a very good first marriage. What was yours like?[/QUOTE]

My first marriage was not a good one. Lasted 9 years but there was a child. Hers was not good either. But she was very young when she married - only 19 and not much older when she gave birth.


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> Seems like she is hitting her peak, when she wants it all the time. So, time to make some changes. Put yourself on new meds and can you on the blue pills?
> 
> Can you guys talk about sex? You know aids?
> 
> ...


We do talk about sex but it is very emotional for her. I wish I could reduce my hours more - I have cut out the weekends - so that helps. Hopefully we can kick the divorce talk away - but she did broach it so it kind of hangs over things.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> I think you may be leaving some critical info out here:
> 
> How long has she been in the US, and specifically how long before you began dating?
> 
> ...


I'm betting this will be the key - if she's getting (or got) immigration benefits from OP things change quickly.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> I guess, although most men would hardly consider a sexy 30 something woman who has a very high sex drive bad luck!


I agree that most men would be very glad to get a HD sexy 30 year old women. And based on me and my female friends, there are also a lot of women like this around.

But you have run into reality. Sometimes having a HD spouse does not work out all that well... for both some men and some women.

It's about compatibility. Sexual incompatibility can hurt a marriage. We see it all the time on here.

We've had plenty of men on here who want a divorce because their wife will not do oral to finish or at all, or won't have anal sex, etc.

It's a personal thing and what a person is willing to live with.

As someone said, no one gets everything they want in a marriage. So we have to decide what we can live with and what we cannot live with.

Since your wife is not here to speak for herself, it's hard for us to know what is really going on in her head.


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

zookeeper said:


> I think you may be leaving some critical info out here:
> 
> How long has she been in the US, and specifically how long before you began dating?
> 
> ...


She has been in US since 2009. She was a citizen when we met. We began dating in 2014 so 5 years in US at that time.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't think men are advised to leave if they are having quality sex twice a week.
> 
> My guess is that the OP's wife either isn't getting the quality sex that the OP thinks, or more likely, she is using sex as an excuse to leave the marriage because of other issues or other man.


You could be right about the fact that it's quality for him but not necessarily for her. And that is subjective. ....

I have seen men advised to leave over not getting bj's. ....they are told that it's an incompatibility and life is too short.

But either way there is a mismatch in terms of what they offer. A 23 years older man just doesn't offer that much unless he's rich, and he's going to offer less and less as he keeps getting older to a woman in her prime. 

I think this is an uncomfortable truth many men don't want to address when they're turned on by a much younger woman. You might get her into bed and you might even convince her to marry you or shack up with you, but as you age the balance is going to tip.

You just have to keep that in mind. 

It's the same as a 33 year old guy marrying a 56 year old woman. He's eventually going to start looking at women his age.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

I can relate to this woman. She's doing you a real solid coming out with this now and with honesty. She likely interprets your inability to match her drive as being tepid. You've been stingy with acts like oral at a time when she's climbing the walls and communicating frustration. To go from 5 times in one night to twice a week in less than two years - that's a big difference. She has most likely mentally moved on and will be/already is pursuing a man she perceives to be more sexually potent. Sorry. That stings but the age gap is a considerable obstacle when combined with her high drive. 

Ssri's are where labidos go to die. Maybe try Wellbutrin on the next go around. Free her immediately and use her desire for exodus to gain a favorable divorce. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @TRUTHSEEKER60
> 
> I hope your wife gives you a chance with using another AD (Wellbutrin?), before she throws in the towel.
> 
> ...


I have tried coming off before but I get very depressed. I think its just chemical in my brain. It does help, like your husband, to relieve stress at work too.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

@TRUTHSEEKER60 not sure if it has been asked, have you ever gotten your hormone levels tested?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I'm really curious, since I also have a Russian fiancée that is 6 yrs younger than myself and she's an every night and would prefer every morning type person. I'm NOW an every other night, maybe even every third night kinda guy.

But I wind up being a 6/7 night a week with a morning or two thrown in there. I feel pressured. Like if I'm not in the mood, she's going to be unhappy. Expects oral every time. No problem.
But I find I worry daily about being pressured after a couple or three nights in a row. Do you feel this way? It turns me off of sex, if that's possible, lol.

Now, how did you meet this lady? Is she a US citizen? Did she become one after you married?

I'm thinking she may have been educated about what will happen after a divorce financially. 
The reason is that good sex twice a week is nothing to divorce over, and you being that much older than her and she being from a foreign country raises red flags. I do believe that in other cultures, it's quite normal for the husband to be ten years older than The wife.
But not twenty. That's odd to me.

One last thing: do you and your wife still enjoy each other's company, feel in love with one another, look forward to seeing one another? If so, the sex thing really doesn't make much sense, does it? If no, why do you think she's REALLY fallen out of love with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> We all work crazy hours. I come in very early - before 4 AM - so I can get home early. I have cut back on the weekends though.


If you're at work before 4am then you must be waking up around 3am? In that case you're in bed asleep by 7pm? 

That doesn't leave much evening time for a mother with a 12yo to be with her husband. If you're fitting in with their schedule and doing a "normal" bedtime then getting up at 3am it's no wonder you're low on energy and tired all the time. 

No AD or gym is going to make up for just a couple of hours sleep a night, especially at 56.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Saw that after I posted. Thx.

She also has a job.. At least that's off the table as a possibility.

I hope she hasn't made her mind up. Thing is, I suspect once it's mentioned, they already have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Saw that after I posted. Thx.
> 
> She also has a job.. At least that's off the table as a possibility.
> 
> ...


The concern to me is the below. Per the OP she has decided on this without giving the OP a chance (so I guess they have maybe talked about these issues very recently and OP hasn't had a chance to work on?). 




TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> I told her that I respect her decision in so much as sex is a very crucial part of life and marriage. What troubled me is her rushing to end it after 20 months without me making some changes (get rid of the SSRI, try to please her orally, etc.).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, I totally agree. Sounds like her mind is made up. That's a bad thing, and an unfair thing.

If she has, he should let her go. Nothing there but more pain if he tries to hang on. Very sad. I know how he feels.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@TRUTHSEEKER60 your schedules probably don't match, your libidos certainly don't match, your depression doesn't help and you work too many hours to connect with her easily, absent being able to keep up I really can't see how you can fix this.

I started having sex with my wife a month before she turned 26 through 20 subsequent years, 2 children and a whole lot of living in-between, we've slowed down to a frequency of 4-6x and usually more a week/every week. If you can't reasonably keep up with that through to 70 and older, your marriage is highly likely to fail.



Evinrude58 said:


> I'm thinking she may have been educated about what will happen after a divorce financially.
> The reason is that good sex twice a week is nothing to divorce over, and you being that much older than her and she being from a foreign country raises red flags. I do believe that in other cultures, it's quite normal for the husband to be ten years older than The wife.
> But not twenty. That's odd to me.


Of course just getting sex twice a week as the normal frequency (week in, week out) is more than enough for some of us to renegotiate a marriage and or divorce over it!

What is acceptable to you may not be acceptable to someone else.

Today as a man who is turning 45, I would either renegotiate the monogamous part of my sexual relationship with my wife and or divorce her if my sex life devolved to twice a week as the norm. Incidentally my wife who is turning 46 has also told me that she would seek sex elsewhere and or divorce over it as well. For some people good sex and plenty of it is an essential part of any sexual relationship.

Sex that sucks and or is had at twice a week or less, really is a bridge too far for some of us!


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> The concern to me is the below. Per the OP she has decided on this without giving the OP a chance (so I guess they have maybe talked about these issues very recently and OP hasn't had a chance to work on?).


You really think 20 months without fixing it isn't enough? Seriously 6-12 months is more than enough to decide.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Personal said:


> You really think 20 months without fixing it isn't enough? Seriously 6-12 months is more than enough to decide.


No, my question is more when did they first discuss that this was an issue? It isn't clear from the OP, maybe his W just brought this up a month ago which is why he hasn't had a chance to fix. Maybe his W brought it up a year ago which then brings up the question of why the OP hasn't done anything. IDK, not a whole lot of detail from the OP


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

A vibrator can help out in the stamina department. She has to be willing to at least try, though.
@EllisRedding, you need to do a better job of photo shopping. One hand looks like a basketball player's and the other looks like it belongs to a child. Cute wife and kid, though.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> No, my question is more when did they first discuss that this was an issue? It isn't clear from the OP, maybe his W just brought this up a month ago which is why he hasn't had a chance to fix. Maybe his W brought it up a year ago which then brings up the question of why the OP hasn't done anything. IDK, not a whole lot of detail from the OP


Yes giving him a few months to fix this would be nice, that said if his wife is as sexual as my wife and other women I know into their 50's he may be hard pressed keeping up in his 60's and 70's while she is iin her 30's through 50's.

If I were his wife I would divorce him (because he can't really fix this), move on and never again marry men 20+ years my senior or men taking meds for depression at the start of a sexual relationship.


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

Personal said:


> You really think 20 months without fixing it isn't enough? Seriously 6-12 months is more than enough to decide.


That is something only she can answer. It appears she is reaching the end of her patience with this. I have already emotionally began to prepare for loosing her, but of course don't want to. And I hope for the best.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> A vibrator can help out in the stamina department. She has to be willing to at least try, though.


To clarify, the vibrator would be used on her and not him?????



Blondilocks said:


> @EllisRedding, you need to do a better job of photo shopping. One hand looks like a basketball player's and the other looks like it belongs to a child. Cute wife and kid, though.



View attachment 46281


Huh, both my hands look normal  This was the first time we went to see Santa as a family


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This pic is clearer. The avatar looks like the doll hand is the bigger one. Who's to say this is you? Last time I looked you were oriental.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> She wants to orgasm - she needs the release, she has said.


So, genuine question - why can't you do this for her?

And on a related note, what's with the oral only being every once in a while???

Anyway, back to the first part - she has expressed a desire to have an orgasm each and every day. You know this will not require a whole lot of your energy or even time, right? I mean, how much energy does one have to expend by using ones tongue and/or fingers?

Keeping the woman you love sexually satisified on a daily basis (as she is requesting) is not all that difficult. (Nor is it for some of us men who would like something on a regular basis...)

So what's happening is this (provided her reasons for all of this are genuine) - she can orgasm on her own on a daily basis, multiple times if she chooses. So that's not really it, is it? If it's as simple as an orgasm a day, then technically you aren't really the problem, are you?

What she ACTUALLY wants (again, provided her reasoning is genuine) is for an effort to be made in an area that she views as important in the relationship.

This is the same thing I want in my marriage. I WOULD have sex every day, and I would absolutely be thrilled if my wife gave me one orgasm per, but what I REALLY want is for my wife to be interested in me sexually - at least as much as I am in her.

Sometimes people (like myself) respond very highly to sexuality in our partners, and this is one of the main ways we feel loved, desired, appreciated, whatever. When we have partners with whom sexuality is farther down the list, the lack of is extremely apparent. You can substitute basically any relationship need for 'sexuality'.

Fortunately, MOST of these relationship needs are easily obtainable, PROVIDED the other partner is willing to meet them. You are clearly not, and you have your reasons (valid - ssri's, age, libido) and not valid (far different work/daily life schedule, age). Yes, I said age once in each category. It's an excuse without being an excuse.

At the end of the day, you can surely spend 2, 5, 10 minutes pleasuring your wife in a way that does not expend all your remaining energy, and in ways that do not require your man-bits to function at 100%.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> This pic is clearer. The avatar looks like the doll hand is the bigger one. Who's to say this is you? Last time I looked you were oriental.


I think he morphs into something different every few months.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> That is something only she can answer. It appears she is reaching the end of her patience with this. I have already emotionally began to prepare for loosing her, but of course don't want to. And I hope for the best.


How long ago was the first time she expressed that she was having a problem with your sex life?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @Personal
> 
> I like a lot of what you post. You seem like a reasonable person, who tries to be fair; especially to women.
> 
> ...


I almost got killed with my wife in our first year of dating, she got hit by a car while we crossed a road, it passed me by an inch in slow motion. My wife's blood covered me, the car also took out two other people (brain damage/spinal injuries) who went over its roof in a shower of glass. We didn't have sex for months because of it, people gave me dirty looks because they presumed I bashed her (she had to have plastic surgery for her face, she also had smashed knees and other injuries. I cared for her, bathed her took her to the toilet etc because her family couldn't be bothered.

We've been through much more than that, like not seeing each other for months at a time when I was away with the Army, or when I nearly died 2 years into our marriage and plenty more. I simply left out my usual caveats for brevity. So yes at our current ages, exempting geographical separation, illness and or injury we would end our sexual relationship together if we no longer wanted to share a rich, loving and fulfilling sex life together.

And I do believe the sex problem is ultimately insurmountable for the OP, because the age disparity is almost certain to make this problem grow as time takes its toll.


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

alexm said:


> So, genuine question - why can't you do this for her?
> 
> And on a related note, what's with the oral only being every once in a while???
> 
> ...


Yes, I agree. This is an area where I need to work on if she chooses to remain with me. Being more attentive to HER.


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How long ago was the first time she expressed that she was having a problem with your sex life?


More overtly in the past few months. But in hindsight it appears she was dropping hints earlier on in our relationship.


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

Personal said:


> Yes giving him a few months to fix this would be nice, that said if his wife is as sexual as my wife and other women I know into their 50's he may be hard pressed keeping up in his 60's and 70's while she is iin her 30's through 50's.
> 
> If I were his wife I would divorce him (because he can't really fix this), move on and never again marry men 20+ years my senior or men taking meds for depression at the start of a sexual relationship.


It sounds like what you are saying is that no matter what the specifics, a marriage with an age gap as large as ours (over 20 years) is doomed from the start. Kind of a sad reality to face. :frown2:


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> It sounds like what you are saying is that no matter what the specifics, a marriage with an age gap as large as ours (over 20 years) is doomed from the start. Kind of a sad reality to face. :frown2:


Not quite, if your wife wasn't interested in much sex at all with anyone and remained that way past menopause then it might work. Or if you were say 90 and you married a 70 year old it might work.

Yet you married a woman in her early thirties that wants plenty of good sex, all while you approach your sixties and want less sex. One doesn't need to be a genius to see that it's not likely to end well.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> Her first husband married her at 19 and she had a child at 21. He was about 25. From what I have been told, he had no interest in her after a year or two, and little interest in their child. She lived in Russia. She divorced him after he said he wanted nothing to do with either of them and moved to the United States.


During your relationship with her, has her US residency or citizenship been a factor in any way? A la you are not just her green card are you? 20 months is a very short period of time to change your mind under normal relationship circumstances...

edit: disregard I see you addressed this subject on page 5, her citizenship was not in question.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> That is something only she can answer. It appears she is reaching the end of her patience with this. I have already emotionally began to prepare for loosing her, but of course don't want to. And I hope for the best.


I have come to realize many people are not capable of foreseeing their future 6 months down the road let alone 5 years. It is possible she just has no real capability to make responsible long term choices for herself, when people like that choose to marry it's for the moment because it feels good in the moment, not realizing at all that the very next moment may feel entirely different. And if that is the way it is for such a person, it is no wonder that most marriages end in divorce. Could just be that the feelings are no longer there for her and she has no conviction that they could ever happen again.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> Yes, I agree. This is an area where I need to work on if she chooses to remain with me. Being more attentive to HER.


If I were you, I wouldn't wait for some announcement from her that she is staying before making an effort to better meet her needs. Start today. Do it because you love her and want to give her pleasure and happiness, not because you are trying to convince her to stay.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Absolutely DON'T do it "to make her stay" as the reason. Do it because YOU WANT TO, and if she doesn't stay it wasn't meant to be.

I can't help but wonder, with that kind of age gap, did you two even talk about what might happen in the future BEFORE you got married? These are the kinds of things that absolutely NEED to be discussed before taking the plunge no matter the age. Otherwise, it was just impulsive and unwise not to play out the scenarios, especially with that big of a gap. Marrying on impulse because it "feels" right, and you are "in love", doesn't entail the details and possible scenarios of a future life with each other.

Just mentioning the "D" word can be devastating when you aren't expecting it. It sounds like she is already checking out of the marriage, to be honest. Do all you can to make sex more of a priority, please her every day if necessary, but don't try and change her mind for her. She will have to decide on that on her own.

It sounds to me, honestly, like she feels the prime of her sex life is being wasted, AND she feels her biological clock ticking. Heck, she's probably seriously considering another child sometime in the near future, or at least imagining that possibility.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I disagree that she's cruel or an ingrate.
> 
> Ingrate means that he's doing something extra ordinary for her and she does not appreciate it. Well he's done nothing extraordinary.
> 
> ...


I respectfully disagree in the strongest terms.

I would be surprised if many or any man would agree with what you said. She should claim that she has fallen out of love, she feels that they are no longer compatible. The husband will still feel the pain, but not below the belt.

An analogy:
If a women were injured in an automobile accident and she was so disfigured that her husband could not look at her face, should he tell her he wants a divorce because she is too ugly to live with? Even if it were true?

Not necessary. Not helpful.

Be emphatic with others....who deserve such treatment, of course!


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> I am going to see one about getting off this stuff for good. I know there are other ones out there that may have less side effects. Good advice!


You're married to an attractive woman 20 years you junior who wants to boff all the freaking time.

What the #@$! are you depressed about?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It sounds like he was taking meds for depression before he met his wife. Don't forget that he works 11-12 hour days. Maybe he doesn't want to spend what little free time he has with his head between his wife's legs every night.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> I respectfully disagree in the strongest terms.
> 
> I would be surprised if many or any man would agree with what you said. She should claim that she has fallen out of love, she feels that they are no longer compatible. The husband will still feel the pain, but not below the belt.
> 
> ...


As it turns out three men on this forum including myself "liked" @EleGirl's post that you strongly disagree with.

Personally I would prefer to know the unvarnished truth than be served feel good deceit. That said I consider your recommendation that men ought to be fed bullsh** extraordinarily poor advice.

Be honest with others....lest they labour under false delusions.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Double posting on the same thread is not cool.


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## BlueandBlond (Jun 20, 2016)

I personally think that the age difference and the fact that her clock is ticking or perhaps there is another interest in her life might be what is causing this change. 

2x per week is great in my book (I am 46) but she is 33 and I know when I was at that age I was wanting it more than in the 20's. Especially when you are so comfortable with someone and in love it makes you want it even more. 

I dated a man who was 14 yrs my senior when I was 20 and it just wasn't the right fit especially when looking at it long term. He had 3 kids already and I didn't have any. I think anything over 10 years of age difference is just too great. I hear a lot of men say that they wouldn't date or marry a younger woman as it would be more of a pain in the ass.

I feel sorry for the daughter because she isn't getting the stability she needs and it could effect her decisions as she gets older.

I hope things work out for you but if her mind is already made up, maybe you should just go with that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If I missed this, I apologize, but have you checked her phone records and texts to see if there's somebody she's talking to a lot, more than she should be?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

turnera2 said:


> If I missed this, I apologize, but have you checked her phone records and texts to see if there's somebody she's talking to a lot, more than she should be?


Crossed my mind too... never hurts when all the other answers fail the question.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

What he said.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Depending on how you feel about it, that could make it easy. It doesn't require you to have an erection. Some combination of oral, vibrator and toy will work on many women, and often doesn't take all that long. 

Again, you don't need to provide her pleasure where she wants it, but its worth thinking about the effort involved. If 15-30 minutes of time several times a week would make her happy, is that something you are comfortable doing?





TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> She wants to orgasm - she needs the release, she has said.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm afraid I have to disagree. People vary a lot in the amount of sex that makes them happy and it is generally not something that they can change. I don't see it as she is "right" or "wrong" in wanting that much sex, nor is he right or wrong in the amount and type of sex he wants, it is all about compatibility.






jorgegene said:


> i think there is a big difference with supposedly comparative situations where one spouse is being literally 'starved' of sex, as in
> a few times a year, constantly begging, quite literally a sexless marriage. This is intolerable.
> 
> here however, we have a situation where they are having sex two times a week which is pretty 'normal' for a lot of couples, especially
> ...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I believe this gets back to the whole high libido / low libido issue.

For a high libido person, giving their partner oral to orgasm, using toys etc, is no big deal. A fun favor easily done. There are women who will happily give their partners a BJ when they want to get off, even if the woman is not really in the mood at that time - as long as the overall sex life and marriage are good.

For others it is a huge thing to ask. For some men and women, oral is a really big deal, difficult, maybe degrading. The idea of doing it regularly is intolerable. 

Then there is a whole range inbetween.






alexm said:


> So, genuine question - why can't you do this for her?
> 
> And on a related note, what's with the oral only being every once in a while???
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That is all assuming that 'sex' is really the reason she's leaving. Reminds me of someone knowing what your weakness is and using it against you to keep you quiet and complacent, gazing at your own belly button instead of asking her the hard questions or snooping to find out what the real truth is.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

uhtred said:


> I believe this gets back to the whole high libido / low libido issue.
> 
> For a high libido person, giving their partner oral to orgasm, using toys etc, is no big deal. A fun favor easily done. There are women who will happily give their partners a BJ when they want to get off, even if the woman is not really in the mood at that time - as long as the overall sex life and marriage are good.
> 
> ...


Believe me, I know!

That particular topic has been done to death here, and will be again.

My take on the whole thing is that you're doing something for/with your partner that they require from you, in a relationship. It's a no-brainer, afaic.

I'm not much into the whole hand-holding and PDA as my wife is (or my ex wife, for that matter), yet I still do it.

People can just have a really skewed view of sexual relations with their partner or spouse, usually thanks to their own pasts (either parental upbringing, or previous relationships). Sex (or sexuality in general), for whatever reason, is really the only "thing" that people tend to bring negativity into a new relationship, due to past experiences. This, IMO, is because we humans have a tendency to massively over-complicate sexuality in all aspects. It's really the only relationship area that we do this.

And it ain't right. New partner, new relationship, new experiences - that's how I see it. It's stupid to take things off the table preemptively based on the actions of others.

Besides, it behooves us all greatly to do our utmost to make our partners happy in normal, everyday ways, doesn't it? Sex is a normal, everyday thing between two people who love each other.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

turnera2 said:


> That is all assuming that 'sex' is really the reason she's leaving. Reminds me of someone knowing what your weakness is and using it against you to keep you quiet and complacent, gazing at your own belly button instead of asking her the hard questions or snooping to find out what the real truth is.


Uh, yeah. This. Pretty spot on, I think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

For myself, I completely agree. I can't imagine turning a partner down for something that was so easy to do and which made them happy.

OTOH, from threads on many boards it seems clear that sex is not easy for some people. There are women who would walk 10 miles in the snow rather than give the man they love a BJ. Men who would rather clean out a crawlspace than give their lady love oral sex. I don't understand it at a personal level, but it seems to exist. 



alexm said:


> Believe me, I know!
> 
> That particular topic has been done to death here, and will be again.
> 
> ...


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Just so we are all on the same page when this topic comes up again.

When a woman posts that her husband has told her that he's going to divorce her because she's not giving him enough sex, the go to response will now be for her to find out if he's cheating? No more shaming? 

Wow, that's great news.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He's giving her sex two or three times a week.
I'd never advise a man or woman to divorce over that not being enough. It's laughable. 

She's not divorcing over that. She's divorcing him because she's found someone else that's not 23 years older than her. Geez, 23yrs age gap.

Can he really be so shocked she wants a divorce?????
C'mon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> Just so we are all on the same page when this topic comes up again.
> 
> When a woman posts that her husband has told her that he's going to divorce her because she's not giving him enough sex, the go to response will now be for her to find out if he's cheating? No more shaming?
> 
> Wow, that's great news.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> It might be more to do with sexy than sex. Honestly a 56 year old man is not very appealing to a 30 something woman usually. She is young, pretty and petite she knows she can do better.
> 
> Why did you marry a woman so much younger? Sorry but you were headed for disaster from day one. Might have been better to just have a FWB thing with her but marriage was not the best idea.


In other words she never loved you. If she did this would not matter.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

turnera2 said:


> That is all assuming that 'sex' is really the reason she's leaving. Reminds me of someone knowing what your weakness is and using it against you to keep you quiet and complacent, gazing at your own belly button instead of asking her the hard questions or snooping to find out what the real truth is.


Thank you for putting this into words. I had the same thought today but the words wouldn't come. She picked on the one thing that he really can't do much about. And, she had to have known that he couldn't go 7 days a week and twice on Sunday before she married him.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> Just so we are all on the same page when this topic comes up again.
> 
> When a woman posts that her husband has told her that he's going to divorce her because she's not giving him enough sex, the go to response will now be for her to find out if he's cheating? No more shaming?
> 
> Wow, that's great news.


:scratchhead:

We're advising the person with a lower drive.
If a higher drive person comes along, that is one of the valid questions to ask, regardless of gender.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> We're advising the person with a lower drive.
> If a higher drive person comes along, that is one of the valid questions to ask, regardless of gender.


And what if the High Sex Drive is a load of hooey?

"Yeah, it's like this, see... I want a divorce because... duuhhh... You can't give me enough sex! Yeah! That's it! _That's_ the reason!"










Now, why would someone lie? Because they, mistakenly, think that the real reason (they found someone closer to their own age, perhaps?) would hurt their soon to be ex-spouse more than being told, in effect: "You are worthless in bed, dude!"


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

SunCMars said:


> I respectfully disagree in the strongest terms.
> 
> I would be surprised if many or any man would agree with what you said. She should claim that she has fallen out of love, she feels that they are no longer compatible. The husband will still feel the pain, but not below the belt.


I would rather be told the truth. After all, it's something to learn from.

This is why so many men think they're amazing in bed - because nobody's told them otherwise.

Not many people WANT to hurt their partner with something like this, but there's really only one way to learn.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Evinrude58 said:


> He's giving her sex two or three times a week.
> I'd never advise a man or woman to divorce over that not being enough. It's laughable.
> 
> She's not divorcing over that. She's divorcing him because she's found someone else that's not 23 years older than her. Geez, 23yrs age gap.
> ...





Blondilocks said:


> Thank you for putting this into words. I had the same thought today but the words wouldn't come. She picked on the one thing that he really can't do much about. And, she had to have known that he couldn't go 7 days a week and twice on Sunday before she married him.


I dunno. That's the easy answer, yes, but without her side of the story, we can't really sit here and say "that's what it is", can we?

My take is that OP is low-libido to begin with - strike one. Has ED issues - strike two. And works crazy hours - strike 3. Add to that the fact that he's not particularly attentive to his wife in the bedroom (he admits this. Lack of oral sex for example.)

I am not convinced age has much, if anything, to do with this.

This really seems to be more a case of lack of love, attention and time well spent together.

Her answer to this is to bond more by having sex. I, for one, understand that, as that is MY primary way of giving and receiving love, attention, etc. It's not everybody's, of course.

I don't think anyone's actually brought up the 5 Love Languages yet in this thread. That would be a good start.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Let's look at it this way:

Scenario 1
"I am leaving you because you do not take the rubbish bin out!"
"Oh, sorry, honey! I will take it out every week, now!"
"Oh, thank you!"

Scenario 2
"I am leaving you because you are no good at sex!"
"Oh. Sorry, what can I do to get better at sex?"
"Nothing. You are unable to satisfy me sexually."

Scenario 1 can be addressed and fixed.

But Scenario 2? I'd argue that was unfixable. Which might be just how the wife wants it.

Unless there's more to it than that? OP, has your wife being telling you for ages that things were not working out, sexually?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> I am going to see one about getting off this stuff for good. I know there are other ones out there that may have less side effects. Good advice!


Good God. Your wife is 23 yrs younger and you are taking anti-A or anti-D??? I did not go back to read if your mentioned which med, but YES 100% probable the med is interfering with you. 

Get to your doctor today. But be warned. Many will say the low libido or ED is caused by stress, so they will prescribe an SSRI or anti-D. Then when you cannot get it up, they add Viagra or equal to your treatment. 

I'd be stressed too if I worked 12 hours a day and had to worry about keeping up with HD wife. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/physical-mental-health-issues/334185-welbutrin-better-guys-than-zoloft.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/332194-antidepressants-killing-passion.html

BTW, she could have used any excuse why she wants a divorce or not give one at all. She is the one that wants out. Plus there are no finances to fight over if they live in an at-fault (adultery) state. Add to this OP admits to the problems AND is taking meds that could be contributing to the problem. That she wants out rather than work with him may be due to the fact that she has not invested much in the marriage, or knows it (not enough sex) will only get worse due to his age. Does she know he is taking meds? She may or may not care. He is not doing what he needs to do to fix the problem. Like cutting back on work hours if he can.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

I actually think she's being honest. And I don't think she's using sex as an excuse to mask what is really the problem. Age is only a number. Vitality, however, is another thing all together. I think she underestimated the importance of sex in her relationships. She also made a poor judgement call on his long term vitality and how important that was to her. Likely she's never struggled much with a partner who couldn't keep up, was stingy with passion or variety, etc. So her positivity has poofed and she can kind of frame up her next twenty years. And things don't look that great. She sees continually declining, low quality sex and it has given her second thoughts. I don't think there's any margin for acceptable levels of improvement here. I think this is a gut check judgement call on her part and she has made up her mind. 

Now kudos to her for realizing this and being honest, and moving on quickly whilst the OP still has time to enter a more compatible relationship that more suitable to his drives, abilities, and goals for this next stage of his life. 

Or those could be just a lot of crap assumptions based on limited info. $0.02


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

turnera2 said:


> That is all assuming that 'sex' is really the reason she's leaving. Reminds me of someone knowing what your weakness is and using it against you to keep you quiet and complacent, gazing at your own belly button instead of asking her the hard questions or snooping to find out what the real truth is.


She wants out. She is leaving. She has no reason to lie. 

She could just have easily said she hates him, he is too old and she is sleeping with her ex. 

Or she could have just said "The marriage is not working. We are not compatible. It was a mistake. I want out."


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

rich84 said:


> So her positivity has poofed and she can kind of frame up her next twenty years. And things don't look that great. She sees continually declining, low quality sex and it has given her second thoughts.
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I don't think it's just the sex. I think that the sex got her thinking about the overall decline to come over the next 20 years. I think she's realized that the age difference will mean more than just a diminished sex life, but other aspects of life will be diminished for her, as well.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> I don't think it's just the sex. I think that the sex got her thinking about the overall decline to come over the next 20 years. I think she's realized that the age difference will mean more than just a diminished sex life, but other aspects of life will be diminished for her, as well.


Agreed. When she is in her 40s he will be approaching his 70s. That is a massive difference, not only with sex but other aspects of their relationship as well. I guess the question, why did she not ask herself these very questions before entering into marriage assuming her intentions were genuine?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

23 year age gap, not enough sex, etc etc.

That's why she's going to divorce OP. It was a great dream to marry a hottie 23 yrs younger.
But surely when you're 70 and she's 47, you didn't really think she'd be happy, huh? I know we aren't guaranteed tomorrow, but this was just too much.
There's no sure thing that she's found someone else. But OP has to realize that this was very likely to happen either way. Is it common for a person to have another lined up before leaving a relationship? Yes, but it doesn't mean she has.

Don't let it break you, OP. You found one young hottie, you can find someone else. And hopefully they'll be closer in age and closer in libido.
Also, no woman that truly loves you will want you to spend that many hrs at work and be exhausted every day. That might be something to consider.

I wish you the best, and am sorry about all this. It's rough. I've been through it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Thank you for putting this into words. I had the same thought today but the words wouldn't come. She picked on the one thing that he really can't do much about. And, she had to have known that he couldn't go 7 days a week and twice on Sunday before she married him.


Thanks. I needed THIS....some say THAT !

They are NOT compatible. And SHE has thrown down the gauntlet.
We do not know what she thinks. But from what we have been told, she does not seem interested in fixing things.

I accept that. Just separate amicably. No jabbing the other in the eye socket. 

I am ALL FOR fixing something. I love fixing things and situations.
I do not trust her purported reason for divorce, either. 

She has lost her emotional connection with OP. Sex. without love and warm feelings cannot be fulfilling. She likely is not having orgasms because she does not want to be with him anymore.

I will concede that he is a typical male lover.....untrained, clumsy, gives up too easy. *There is no school for lovers*...male or female.

We learn by asking each other what they need...sexually. Did she communicate that to him? In many marriages, one partner will not discuss sex, for whatever reason. 

Sometimes it is better [easier, cheaper, smarter] to let an old appliance go. 

NOTE: She is NOT an appliance, she is/was his pride and joy. But the analogy is the same. 

He is not warmly *washing* her troubled mind, blow-*drying* her wet dreams. 

They are both stuck in *spin-cycle*, which is centrifugally extracting the last drops of love from their marriage.

The marriage is on thin ice. And global warming and El Nino are coming next year. 

The ice will only get thinner. Both will go into the cold water of a nasty reality if they stay together.

If OP wants to keep working on his marriage. I support him. It is his resolve and determination. Not mine. 

I do salute him for his efforts.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Holy Cow, I don't think I can count all those metaphors.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> Agreed. When she is in her 40s he will be approaching his 70s. That is a massive difference, not only with sex but other aspects of their relationship as well. I guess the question, why did she not ask herself these very questions before entering into marriage assuming her intentions were genuine?


My friend from school, L, married my step-dad's older brother. There is a 19 year age difference. She was 18 and he 37 when they married. She had a young child from a previous relationship and they had 3 more together. They've been married 21 years now.


L once said that she did think about the future, having to be caretaker, before they married and she was fine with it. She also said that the reality of the idea of being caretaker to a senior citizen when she was just entering mid-life didn't really hit her until after the marriage.

She's always been an old soul. She's spent her whole life taking care of babies or older people and is content in that role. She's never been one to go out, explore, or really be active at all unless it had something to do with the kids or a large family gathering. So, she is ok with living the lifestyle of an older person and with caring for a senior spouse.

Maybe the full weight of the future didn't hit OP's wife until after the marriage.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Agreed. When she is in her 40s he will be approaching his 70s. That is a massive difference, not only with sex but other aspects of their relationship as well. I guess the question, why did she not ask herself these very questions before entering into marriage assuming her intentions were genuine?


She should have, but it's possible that the sex issue caused her to think about other things. 

The fact is that without a lot of money or some other tangible benefit OP is by far getting the better end of this deal. 

OP said something about men being biologically attracted to sexy young women. That is true, but men who take this attitude usually fail to consider that historically the only way a guy could get this was to buy one, when women didn't have money off their own. 

And even then she had to be watched because she'd want virile younger men. 

Money was all they brought to the table. What else would a much younger woman want with one? And now many of us have our own money, so given the choice of an older guy and a virile younger guy who's the logical winner?

I'm sorry if that's harsh but that's how it is. 

He's getting benefits she isn't. 

In my case we're pretty well matched sexually, and my hb would pretty much do anything for me even if he couldn't manage. But as much as I love him we face the challenges that come with him being 61 and me being 42. And he's in fabulous shape and has great family genes. 

Statistically I'm going to take care of him, but who's going to take care of me? 

I accept this as part of the deal, and life has no guarantees anyway. But I can tell you that my hb is acutely aware that I have options and tries very hard to bring his A game. I never say anything, but he knows.

Plus we've got 11 years behind us, and we really clicked. 

Also I don't think I'm normal. Hb often says I'm a much older person in a younger body, and I have always felt this way. Even my women friends were typically older, though now in my 40's I have more lady friends my age as they've finally grown up. 

But it could be that this particular younger women is not a good match for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> My friend from school, L, married my step-dad's older brother. There is a 19 year age difference. She was 18 and he 37 when they married. She had a young child from a previous relationship and they had 3 more together. They've been married 21 years now.
> 
> 
> L once said that she did think about the future, having to be caretaker, before they married and she was fine with it. She also said that the reality of the idea of being caretaker to a senior citizen when she was just entering mid-life didn't really hit her until after the marriage.
> ...


How could anyone consider anything when they're 18?

It was irresponsible, selfish, and immature for a 37 year old man to marry an 18 year old girl. 

He got to live his life and then stole hers.

Says a lot about him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> We're advising the person with a lower drive.
> If a higher drive person comes along, that is one of the valid questions to ask, regardless of gender.


Yeah, you didn't understand my post


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Let's look at it this way:
> 
> Scenario 1
> "I am leaving you because you do not take the rubbish bin out!"
> ...


Only been together two years and married for little over one. But this is not something new - I have heard it before.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> Yeah, you didn't understand my post


Hence the headscratch GIF. 

I tried but it didn't make sense. Are you grinding a gender based axe?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You have heard it from her, or from others? 

Was she specific about what she'd like to be happening differently?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> How could anyone consider anything when they're 18?
> 
> It was irresponsible, selfish, and immature for a 37 year old man to marry an 18 year old girl.
> 
> ...


For once I somewhat disagree with you (there may have been other times, but maybe I'm getting senile and have forgotten!). It's not always irresponsible, selfish, and immature as you put it - adult women (even at 18) are not all stupid, inexperienced, and needing protection from their own poor judgment, and I think it's insulting to assume they do. If her values and goals change, she can choose to leave, too. If she chooses to stay after many years together, then perhaps it really is love!

One of our best friends married a man 30 years older when she was 20. They had a good, happy marriage, until he unexpectedly died of a routine surgical complication. (And I'll note that he wasn't wealthy, and just a pretty ordinary guy - but they did share a cultural background.) She simply much prefers older men - at least 15 years older. She eventually got into another relationship with another older man who is only about 17 years older than her. She's smart, attractive, and well-employed, as is he. Having had one such relationship, she'd surely not choose another one with a much older man, unless the first time was good for her.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> How could anyone consider anything when they're 18?
> 
> It was irresponsible, selfish, and immature for a 37 year old man to marry an 18 year old girl.
> 
> ...


Like I said, she's always been an old soul. 

Between 20 and 37, Uncle worked 12- 14 hr. shifts, went to college part time to get promotions, and slept, for the most part. He dated very rarely and had one relationship of a few years duration that ended long before he met L.

L was pregnant at 13 and a mother at 14. Her family refused to help her, so she moved in with her baby daddy at 15. She spent 3 years living as a housewife and mother, solely responsible for the care of her child, the cleaning, cooking, shopping, and making sure the bills got sent out. 

She and baby daddy split up, she started dating again, preferred older men, met Uncle when he came over to visit on a weekend, and said he was "it" for her. They moved in together a few months later, got married a few months after that.

L and I are close and have been since long before she married Uncle and became Aunt L. In all these years and many conversations about marriage, kids, needs, etc., she has never once even hinted that she regrets marrying the man she chose and living the life she has lived. 

Hell, she's never even expressed an interest in doing or being anything but a wife and mother.

When Uncle J met L, he owned his home free and clear, was debt free, had excellent credit (to cover any emergencies like water heater or furnace repairs), had excellent benefits, a decent savings in addition to his retirement, and other investments.

He made very clear that L could stay at home with the kids, go to college, volunteer, or just get a random job. Whatever made her happy, he'd foot the bill. Any one of those things or any combination of those things. She never wanted to do any of it other than volunteer at the kids' schools from time to time. 

And he did mean what he said. He's lived his life according to what makes her happy. She wanted to move out to the country, he sold his house and bought one out in the country. She told him she wanted another dog (they have 5) or a Harley, his choice. He bought the Harley. It's her pride and joy. If she wants it and it's feasible, he'll make sure she has it. She just isn't the type to ask for much.

She's just turned 40. The oldest of their sons is married and on his own. The 2nd is in college, working, and moving out, the 3rd just graduated HS and the youngest just got his drivers license. Even now, 21 years into the marriage, young-ish, with the ability to do pretty much whatever she wants, all she wants to do is hang out at home with Uncle and the dogs, go for the occasional Harley ride, and take care of the house.

I talked to her last week. She was pretty down. She's bummed the "baby" is driving now and will soon graduate and move out. She says she regrets not having more kids. Particularly a daughter. That's the big one for her, that they had 4 kids and not one girl. Not having a girl or two is her big regret.

I don't think he took her life from her at all. I think he gave her a life with many more opportunities and much more security than she would have had as an uneducated, unemployed, single teenage mother to a pre-schooler with no job skills and no family that gave a damn.

The thing is, though, the reason their May-December relationship has worked so well for them is that she is happy being a homebody, taking care of living things, and living like someone 20 years her senior. There aren't that many women out there who would be as happy in the same situation.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> I'm really curious, since I also have a Russian fiancée that is 6 yrs younger than myself and she's an every night and would prefer every morning type person. I'm NOW an every other night, maybe even every third night kinda guy.
> 
> But I wind up being a 6/7 night a week with a morning or two thrown in there. *I feel pressured. Like if I'm not in the mood, she's going to be unhappy. Expects oral every time. No problem.
> But I find I worry daily about being pressured after a couple or three nights in a row. Do you feel this way? It turns me off of sex, if that's possible, lol.*


Ev, there have been many people on here warning you that you should not marry this woman....just sayin... you would be wise to heed your own words here.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> My wife of 20 months told me yesterday she was leaving me and filing for divorce because I was not attentive enough to her sexually. This is something that is a common topic here, but mine has a bit different twist. She is 33 and I am 56. That is a huge age gap. But this is something we knew, obviously, going into this. Our marriage has been overall good - except for this one, very important area. She is a pretty woman, a size 2, healthy for the most part and I have no issue with my attraction to her. When we do have sex, it is satisfying for both of us. I am in very good physical shape and keep fit and she appreciates that. We have no children together - I had a vasectomy so we are not having children. She has a 12 year old who lives with us from her first marriage. My kid is nearly 30 and lives away.
> As much as I enjoy sex, my abilities have diminished with age. I have been to a specialist who says my blood levels are normal and I do take medicine for the ED issues that are common among men my age. We average about twice a week, although I know she would like more. I feel I am doing my best. We both work long hours (me most days 11 - 12 hours - her 8- 9 hours) and I am exhausted when I get home. What does the community here think about ending an otherwise good marriage based on sexual frequency?


Your problem is not age my friend. It's the fact that you work 11-12 hours a day. I'm in my 30's and that would tire me out. You guys are intimate twice a week which is more than a lot of people younger than you. Her issue isn't sex. No sane woman would through away a perfectly good marriage because the husband was not "attentive" enough during sex when they have sex multiple times a week. If what you are saying is accurate, i.e. you are not leaving any major details out then she's full of it and you have to let her go. That is a huge age difference but she knew that going in. She is immature and at this stage in your life you don't need that. Move on my friend.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> Agreed. When she is in her 40s he will be approaching his 70s. That is a massive difference, not only with sex but other aspects of their relationship as well. I guess the question, why did she not ask herself these very questions before entering into marriage assuming her intentions were genuine?


My second husband was 16 years older than me. We never had an issue with our age difference. However, being divorced from him for several years, I can look at it now from an outside view...he is 62 now, I am 46. That feels pretty "old man" to me now, and I wonder how I would be feeling if we were still together.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

23 year age difference. Too much. Even if you could keep up with her in the sex dept by cutting hours, what will like be like in 5 - 10 years? Terrible match IMHO due to vast age differences. Hell, your son is only 3 years younger than your wife. Sorry, but that's fvcked up.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Holy Cow, I don't think I can count all those metaphors.


Do you know what he metaphor?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> My second husband was 16 years older than me. We never had an issue with our age difference. However, being divorced from him for several years, I can look at it now from an outside view...he is 62 now, I am 46. That feels pretty "old man" to me now, and I wonder how I would be feeling if we were still together.


If he had been the man he should have been, you'd probably see your husband.

What else would you have seen? Nothing else. Just your husband.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> If he had been the man he should have been, you'd probably see your husband.
> 
> What else would you have seen? Nothing else. Just your husband.


I admit, I asked Aunt L about that. When I see Uncle J now, at 59, grey and with more wrinkles, I see an old guy, ya know? I mean, he's still handsome, but he's gone all grey and his skin is paler and he's got all these wrinkles that didn't used to be there. Mostly blamed on 4 rambunctious boys.

L says that, to her, there isn't much difference other than a bit of grey. She say part of it is love and part of it is that she's been there every single day, so the aging isn't as shocking to her as it is to those of us who only see him ever couple years or so.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I see a large age difference as a barrier to a permanent relationship. I think two people can have a wonderful time together even if their ages are very different, but only while they are both in the healthy age range. Once one become elderly, it is a terrible burden on the younger spouse.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> For once I somewhat disagree with you (there may have been other times, but maybe I'm getting senile and have forgotten!). It's not always irresponsible, selfish, and immature as you put it - adult women (even at 18) are not all stupid, inexperienced, and needing protection from their own poor judgment, and I think it's insulting to assume they do. If her values and goals change, she can choose to leave, too. If she chooses to stay after many years together, then perhaps it really is love!
> 
> One of our best friends married a man 30 years older when she was 20. They had a good, happy marriage, until he unexpectedly died of a routine surgical complication. (And I'll note that he wasn't wealthy, and just a pretty ordinary guy - but they did share a cultural background.) She simply much prefers older men - at least 15 years older. She eventually got into another relationship with another older man who is only about 17 years older than her. She's smart, attractive, and well-employed, as is he. Having had one such relationship, she'd surely not choose another one with a much older man, unless the first time was good for her.


Oh I'm not saying it can't work, clearly it can. 

It's working for us far. 

I just think it's not the norm, and I certainly never called 18 year old women immature or stupid.

But let's be honest here. .... an 18 year old is right out of high school. There may be a few who absolutely know what they want but most don't. The 20's are a time of tremendous growth and change We all know that while 18 year olds are legally adults they aren't anywhere near mature for the most part.

Imagine the reverse. ...37 year old woman marries 18 or 20 year old guy. Many would be wondering wtf..... and they'd be reasonable to wonder. 

It just takes a unique 18 year old and unique circumstances.



I'd suspect the cultural background was a factor in the case of your friend. 

I'm flattered you only disagree with me once in a while 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> If he had been the man he should have been, you'd probably see your husband.
> 
> What else would you have seen? Nothing else. Just your husband.


I agree. I know objectively my hb looks older than when we met, but I really don't notice it. 

I see my hb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Like I said, she's always been an old soul.
> 
> Between 20 and 37, Uncle worked 12- 14 hr. shifts, went to college part time to get promotions, and slept, for the most part. He dated very rarely and had one relationship of a few years duration that ended long before he met L.
> 
> ...



I get it. ....i too feel like an old soul and always have.

I just don't think it's the norm, and for the most part a guy who gets involved with something like this has his own issues and is rolling the dice. 

Because the older he gets the less of a good deal he is for a younger woman with options. 

Your uncle simply got lucky, and I'm happy for both of them. 

There are challenges as the younger party that are less tangible as well. ... anytime we would hang out with people my hb's age I could see the women eye me suspiciously, and the tendency was not to take me too seriously. 

What saves me is that I'm hardly a hooters waitress..... I'm quite well accomplished and am not a bimbo. But I do face assumptions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I get it. ....i too feel like an old soul and always have.
> 
> I just don't think it's the norm, and for the most part a guy who gets involved with something like this has his own issues and is rolling the dice.
> 
> ...


The story I heard was that you were headhunted by talent scouts for Hooters but that you turned them down so that you could take up your place at University to study for your MA and your PhD. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

She thought she could handle a life of mediocre sex if it meant stability. She realized she was wrong.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> I get it. ....i too feel like an old soul and always have.
> 
> I just don't think it's the norm, and for the most part a guy who gets involved with something like this has his own issues and is rolling the dice.
> 
> ...


Around here, the older a man gets the more desirable he is, provided he is a decent man, he isn't in poor health, has been gainfully employed, and is financially responsible.

This whole "extended adolescence" a lot of men seen to be enjoying is driving a lot of women up the walls. I'm seeing a lot more older man-younger woman couples these past few years and I suspect it's because these women want to settle down and start a life. They're sick of waiting for the late 20's-early 30's crowd to grow up and be ready, so they're looking for older men.

If I had to come up with rough estimates, I'd say about 50% of the married couples I know have a 10+ year age gap, 20% have a 3-10 year age gap, and 30% have a 1-3 year age gap. 

After my mom died, I went out here and there with dad to the local watering holes. We went to a few not so local ones, too. I was stunned by how many women in my age group or just a bit older pursued him. One was particularly persistent, she even called me and asked for my advice on how to woo him.

They have been together for 15 years and married for 12. She's one whole year older than I am.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Celes said:


> She thought she could handle a life of mediocre sex if it meant stability. She realized she was wrong.


Best answer of the thread. Yep. 

I feel badly for you, OP. Sorry you're going through this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Still gotta ask: DID you check her electronics for a strange number/address?


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

turnera2 said:


> Still gotta ask: DID you check her electronics for a strange number/address?


No


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Because...


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

turnera2 said:


> Because...


Guess its just a trust thing. Maybe I am too trusting, but I trust her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> Guess its just a trust thing. Maybe I am too trusting, but I trust her.


So, what are the next steps that you are now planning together to dissolve your marriage, hopefully in an amicable way?

By the way, this thought just occurred to me...

Does she not feel *any* remorse for this?:

"Son, I'd like you to meet your new Dad."

"It's been two years, now. You getting on well with him, right? Well, Ha! Ha! I was only joking, kid! Boy, you are such a sucker! I am dumping him and making us move out to a nasty little apartment! Boy! I sure fooled him and you, huh?"

There is more to a relationship than just sex. Unless, of course, you are Sid or Sally Shallow...


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> So, what are the next steps that you are now planning together to dissolve your marriage, hopefully in an amicable way?
> 
> By the way, this thought just occurred to me...
> 
> ...


Well, Sunday she said she would move into an apartment with her daughter - leaving the home we live in (its in my name entirely). She said she does not want anything from me and to just let me know what I want (belongings, furniture, etc). Have not heard much more since then. We both work hours incongruent to each other, so I have not seen her much since Sunday. Maybe she is having second thoughts. But I believe this comes from somewhere deep inside her. And I think its, as most has said, the huge differences in our age, cultures, lifestyles. Love does NOT conquer all. If it did, the world would be a more harmonious place. Its the ability to bond together in a positive way despite the differences we all have, if its possible, that lead to success. At least IMO.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TRUTHSEEKER60 said:


> Well, Sunday she said she would move into an apartment with her daughter - leaving the home we live in (its in my name entirely). She said she does not want anything from me and to just let me know what I want (belongings, furniture, etc). Have not heard much more since then. We both work hours incongruent to each other, so I have not seen her much since Sunday. Maybe she is having second thoughts. But I believe this comes from somewhere deep inside her. And I think its, as most has said, the huge differences in our age, cultures, lifestyles. Love does NOT conquer all. If it did, the world would be a more harmonious place. Its the ability to bond together in a positive way despite the differences we all have, if its possible, that lead to success. At least IMO.


So, in her mind sex beats everything?

Oh. Unless she wants to be free to meet someone who can get her pregnant, again? I have heard of that being used as grounds for a divorce.

I think it would be in your best interests to make sure that she signs everything ASAP along the lines she has said. Don't want any people whispering poison in her ears about how "she is owed x,y and z for all the effort she put in."


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just very sorry about all this. You sound like a reasonable person. Honestly, I think you shouldn't look at her phone and such. If she were after another guy, it would not change the outcome, and would just leave you in more pain. Sometimes I wish I never found out about my ex wife's sexting and pic sending, and just went along like she'd hoped and took all the blame for her wanting a divorce. 
Sad fact is, life just doesn't turn out like we have it planned. But that can be a good thing, too. You may find a woman that makes you far happier than this one. Try to move forward as much as possible and train your mind to accept this and accept that you still have infinite opportunities at finding happiness. 
And keep posting. It helps to talk to others that are working on getting over things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I see not point checking her phone etc. What would it change?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, if she was doing all this because she had another man on the string, he could fight the affair and wake her up out of the affair fog. Those that do it successfully, the cheater often comes back to the marriage. And I assume he still would rather be married, thus the advice to wipe out that possibility before just giving in and giving her what she wants.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

turnera2 said:


> Well, if she was doing all this because she had another man on the string, he could fight the affair and wake her up out of the affair fog. Those that do it successfully, the cheater often comes back to the marriage. And I assume he still would rather be married, thus the advice to wipe out that possibility before just giving in and giving her what she wants.


Right. If nothing else, the man deserves the truth.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I think the frequency of sex is an excuse. She is out of the honeymoon period now and realized exactly how different your age difference makes you. Saying its sex is an easy way out..maybe she is trying to spare you even more hurt feelings. Although whether it's sex or social differences it still sucks either way.
I agree with @Evinrude58 there is no reason to search her phone. You'd be more hurt over this and you seem to know exactly what do to.
I wish you luck. 


Sent from my iPhone


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