# Question/opinions about scheduling kid's activities



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Hi, nice to meet you all. This is my first post to the forum and I hope to meet a bunch of people to get support and give support. I am a 41 year old male about 2/3rds of my way through a divorce, which was mediated (pretty successfully, I guess).

This may be long but I'll try to be good in writing skills so you can bear with me 

A constant source of discord though is my stb-x judging me and complaining that I have chosen to live 50 minutes away from where she and her kids live. I must admit I have really given thoughtful consideration to her position but have pretty much decided that my place and my kids future lies with me here.

But I am appealing to the forum for dissenting opinions on what my position may or may not be (and I'll value them, even if I go with the unpopular decision).

Anyway, I am living in my patients vacation home (it's actually a trailer) and it's about 1 mile from the beach. It's got a lot of fond memories and my parent's health has been marginal the last year with surgeries and stuff so they are only down here 20 days/year at most. This is an optimal situation financially as I try to recover from the inevitable financial stress of a divorce.

Okay, on to the kids. . .I have 3 great boys - 12, 7, and 1.

Anyway, my former house is about 1 mile from main work so I pretty stay in my kids "social orbit" as they say. . .try to attend school musicals, concerts, sports or offer to babysit if the stb-x wants to go run an errand or something. I have offered to come into the house and babysit and let her have 2 nights/week to go exercise, go the doctor, run errands, etc but she usually refuses out of pride/anger/territorial issues. That's fine.

Anyway. . .whew. . .I'm rambling and maybe I'll get to the point and let any questions just be followed up.

I plan to live a block or two away from my parents in the vacation trailer park for the following reasons - This is the vision of my life for me and my kids and why:

1. I can keep an eye on my parents as they age.
2. Kids would have close proximity to grandparents as they visit. They could ride their bikes over for milk/cookies, an occasional dinner
3. I envision my oldest son and the others as they get older working summers on the boardwalk or beach (I am an ex-beach guard - thus my moniker)
4. It has fond memories for me here
5. The cost of living is amazingly cheap for NJ (if anywhere in NJ is cheap)
6. A main reason I don't really want to "live around the corner" from my stb-x is somewhat emotional too. . .she has a new boyfriend, she's already introduced the kids to him (within about 7 months of separation), and I don't know, the thought of living right around the corner, sending child support, while another man lives in with her in my former home and is the "step-dad", being at her "beck and call" is emotionally difficult for me, stumping my happiness/recovery. I try not to make this totally about me. . .but there you have it. . .I'll admit I would be unhappy there.
8. COL is high in my wife's hometown, extremely high taxes.
9. The school district here is much superior, for high school, should we decide that's needed in the future, if they come live their final childhood years with me.
10. Plain and simple, I am happier here, despite the long commute of 50 minutes each way.
11. There's a community pool. Swimming is an important part of the culture in my family and I insist all my boys be good swimmers and not swim like ******** (joke to all the ********  ) Trivial reason but I thought I'd throw it in there.
12. Proximity of grandparents could help me if I need to pick up extra work shifts from second job.
13. There's no guarantee she would stay there anyway.

The problem is my stb-x schedules activites every weekend for the older two with sports. . .which generally I support. I don't beleive in forcing "Dad-time" on them anyway and they are free to stay there or come down later in the weekend. However, she wants me to haul them 50 minutes away and haul the baby around while I deliver them each to their own specific sports. I basically refused 2 weekends ago and she was in tears (b/c she had a date with her boyfriend I'm pretty sure). She cancelled the date and kept the older 2 while I took the baby down and did their sports.

Amazingly (and transparently), next weeked she let me stay at the house, which I really like. . .they ahve their friends, their toys, everything they need is there and she went and stayed with her boyfriend. I'd certainly do that.

I don't know. . .my position is that I don't think I should have to be her "babysitter" while she dates (and her mom too apparently). . .and I don't think I should make a residential decision entirely around kid's sports, esp. when I work close by and can certainly help out and do help out with activities and even illnesses (she will let me in the house when a kid is sick).

So. . .after all that. . .how flexible and yielding should I be on my vision for me and the kid's future?

The popular opinion is pretty much - live close to your kids. But a significant dissenting opinion, when I lay it all out to close friends is, "Live where you'll be happy you've been so unhappy in your marriage for years."

So. . .what say the forum?


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

I think it's an excellent idea, staying with your parents. And it's not THAT far from your kids, either. It's wonderful to see your parents at this time in their life, because you never know how much time you'll have left to be with them.
Wonder what the kids think of their Mom's new boyfriend? That must be a bit difficult for them. But kids are resilient and very, very smart.
All in all, sounds like you've got a great plan there. I hope everything works out for you as well as possible.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Happyatlast,

Thank you for the approval. 

I actually had a great idea after I got done posting of a further compromise. I could actually be near my parents, have my "beach trailer" (double wide, lol, I hope) and there are a lot of snowbirds in my community so in the winter, I bet I could find an old fogie who wouldn't mind some rent for 2-4 months in my kids town and then "winterize" the trailer during that time so I am not paying utilities (ground rent is fairly level whether I stay all year or not).

SO, the kids would have their summer place and I could be nearer to them (5 minutes) 2-4 months/year.

It was great to journal my thoughts and finally alleviate myself of that nagging guilt I have that I am not her (well, I suppose the kids) beck and call by living around the corner.

Thanks for listening.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

AS far as mom's new boyfriend, I have actually put it together they've been seeing each other since about 1 month after we separated. . .that's fine.

My guess is. . .and I'd say it's 50/50, they'll eventually gravitate towards wanting to live with me. They're boys, and they'll eventually want their father and to work summers with me. It will probably eventually morph into fulltime parenting with her visiting. Add to that, she's rather emotionally unstable and unhappy in general (spoiled rotten by her parents led to unhappiness). I know she thinks her new man brings something different to the table. . .but time and time again, I've seen it - another person can't make you happy.

Kids naturally want to be with the "happy parent." I know I can offer disipline too where she can't also. Her idea of disipline is really just yelling and screaming.

As far as what they think, I have a special relationship with each one - the older one is very astute and sees how she treated me like crap. To go out and replace "Dad" within less than a year, it can't sit well with him. He's the sensitive one (the Theodore of the Chipmunks). . .I know he's hurting for his Dad. I personally think she should have kept it hidden for a year or more, but I have no control over her actions. What are you going to do?

I'll bide my time.


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