# Holidays do suck



## Hoosier

Divorced just a little over 4 years. I have three daughters. one lives in Los Angeles, one in St. Pete Florida, and one here in Indiana. As everyone is spread all over, I have yet to have all three of my kids home at the same time. My brother always makes sure that I have somewhere to go, I spent thanksgiving with his family, but it is not the same. I sat at his home, watching all of his kids and grandkids running around, laughing and joking and eating. I realized that I would never have that again, and of anyone I know, I am the last person who you would think would be in my situation, but here I am. I try really hard to keep positive, and mostly am successful, but this time of year just magnifies all that is wrong. This really sucks. Ok, end of rant.


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## EllisRedding

Hoosier said:


> Divorced just a little over 4 years. I have three daughters. one lives in Los Angeles, one in St. Pete Florida, and one here in Indiana. As everyone is spread all over, I have yet to have all three of my kids home at the same time. My brother always makes sure that I have somewhere to go, I spent thanksgiving with his family, but it is not the same. I sat at his home, watching all of his kids and grandkids running around, laughing and joking and eating. I realized that I would never have that again, and of anyone I know, I am the last person who you would think would be in my situation, but here I am. I try really hard to keep positive, and mostly am successful, but this time of year just magnifies all that is wrong. This really sucks. Ok, end of rant.


There is no way you can arrange for all 3 daughters to spend the holidays with you, and if that means skipping out on your Bro so be it.


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## jorgegene

i'm not divorced, but iv'e heard the same thing from many of my friends who are divorced.

lets' face it; our culture has taylored these holidays around family. 
when we have none, lost our families or they are fractured, it's not the same and 
can be down right depressing.

it's a bit like back in the days when I was a single bachelor. i didn't date or have a g.f.
i would dread going to parties or events. sometimes i would be the only single guy in the whole room.
i would look around and everyone had their partners except me.
i know that's not really comparable, but it does give me some insight into how divorced people feel.

sometimes my divorced friends would confide in me how depressed they were during the holidays.
how they would dread in late October the looming thanksgiving/Xmas season.
how they wish they were just over.

i have a friend, my oldest longest friend who has nobody. no family to go to.

my time will come. my parents are getting real old. they won't be around much longer.

it will never be the same without them, even though i have my own family now.


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## Hoosier

The reason we cant all get together is because of conflicting schedules, and conflicts between daughters, mainly how each gets along with my x. (My oldest is 31, she works full time, has a 4 year old daughter, and is going to Nursing School, she has no time, lives in florida) I guess the hurt caused by the inability to get together is just magnified by my divorce. I was ALWAYS the one who put family first, now I have to just piece mail my together time with my kids, cant help but feel the loss of my family this time of year.


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## Why Not Be Happy?

Hoosier: You are a good person and you are doing a great job! Hang in there!


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## Ynot

I feel your pain and completely relate. When my dad was alive we used to do a huge party at his house. Everyone would be there along with their spouse and children. It was always so chaotic and fun. After he passed away, that all disappeared. But I was married and I always looked forward to having my kids at home and spending time with them. I too looked forward to recreating, albeit on a much smaller scale the parties at my dad's house, with my wife, my children their spouses and my grand kids. But alas, now it will never happen. Now I feel like the holidays are so depressing. I feel like I get invited to my kids house out of obligation and to clear more time for when they are really celebrating. This year I really feel that way. So this year I decided I am going to go on a road trip to get away from sitting around thinking about what might have been.


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## nursejackie

Not looking forward to the holidays either- first xmas without my mom, dad has cancer, depressed and looking at having his foot amputated. 

I think you have to make new traditions to replace the old ones. I have a friend who hosts an xmas dinner for all the people she knows in a similar situation. 

I think Ynot's suggestion is a good one. What about looking into an all-inclusive getaway for the holidays? There are holidays that specialize in trips for single people I think. What about joining a support group for divorcees? Have you gone on any dating websites? Do you belong to a church? That may be an idea if you are so inclined. They would have social groups and be very welcoming.

Easier said than done I'm sure but I do think it would help to connect with others going through the same holiday loneliness. 
Peace be with you for the holidays.


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## Morgiana

@Hoosier, if your daughter lives in FL, why not arrange to go visit her instead for the holiday?


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## Dude007

Hoosier said:


> Divorced just a little over 4 years. I have three daughters. one lives in Los Angeles, one in St. Pete Florida, and one here in Indiana. As everyone is spread all over, I have yet to have all three of my kids home at the same time. My brother always makes sure that I have somewhere to go, I spent thanksgiving with his family, but it is not the same. I sat at his home, watching all of his kids and grandkids running around, laughing and joking and eating. I realized that I would never have that again, and of anyone I know, I am the last person who you would think would be in my situation, but here I am. I try really hard to keep positive, and mostly am successful, but this time of year just magnifies all that is wrong. This really sucks. Ok, end of rant.


Other side of the coin, my family both immediate and out-laws get on my last nerve while I'm trying to watch football. So, just know they might have got on your nerves to some extent as well!!! Don't assume it would have been great and all fun...I went to a sports bar one Christmas eve, had a blast...DUDE


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## Hoosier

Morgiana said:


> @Hoosier, if your daughter lives in FL, why not arrange to go visit her instead for the holiday?


I am going to St. Pete for the week of the 13th-19th. Would not miss it for the world. 
Ynot said it best "I feel your pain and completely relate. When my dad was alive we used to do a huge party at his house. Everyone would be there along with their spouse and children. It was always so chaotic and fun." 
This is what I am missing.


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## SARAHMCD

I live in a city thousands of miles from family. No kids. The only people I know here are my ex and my co-workers. This will be my first year alone. I had plans to rent a cabin in the mountains for a few days, treat myself to some amazing meals, hike and just curl up with some good books and my writing in front of the fire. I'm an introvert. To me this sounded amazing!!! 

Honestly, as much as I'll miss my family, I remember last year; the chaos, tempers flaring, too many people to talk to one-on-one with anyone for long, then it was all done way too fast. The planning, the work, the clean-up, and most of all, trying to keep the peace. It makes the cabin alone sound all that more appealing. 

However, I've started dating someone exclusively - long distance. So instead of renting the cabin I'm visiting him. We're going for a hike and then take-out and a movie with friends. I'm really looking forward to it!! 

The Holidays only suck if you let them.


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## Dude007

How about do something you'd never do? Vegas for Christmas baby!!!! That's what I'd do!!! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tango in Triple Time

I understand your situation too well. My house was always the hotbed for family celebrations. After my divorce, we still put together great family holidays, just without the ex-husband (no loss there). Then my parents died, and we continued on. Sister got divorced, daughter got divorced, we adjusted. After my son died, we tried the first year to celebrate as we had in the past. It was just too painful. I never wanted to celebrate ever again, not like that. So I said goodbye to 30+ years of holiday traditions. 

I ditched every tradition we had. I rented a big beach house 6 hours way for Thanksgiving week, invited all my fun relatives from all over the USA, and had a fantastic Thanksgiving. No it wasn't the same, there was nothing remotely the same. In my life right now, working with what I still have in my life, it was the best holiday I could have asked for.

I hope you will find some joy in the upcoming holiday. It won't be the same, life moves on, and so must we.


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## RisingSun

I was out shopping for a few things yesterday and picked up a few Christmas cards. I saw a lot of cards in the wife/husband/SO categories, but I didn't feel down. I did feel a slight loss, that this will be a Christmas without my stbxw, but it's not so bad at all. Mainly, I suppose, because this will be our second Christmas apart (second time she has left). Frankly, it might even be kind of nice since my life is honest now. In my marriage, my stbxw was quite the actress until she left. E-nough.


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## SecondTime'Round

RisingSun said:


> I was out shopping for a few things yesterday and picked up a few Christmas cards. I saw a lot of cards in the wife/husband/SO categories, but I didn't feel down. I did feel a slight loss, that this will be a Christmas without my stbxw, but it's not so bad at all. Mainly, I suppose, because this will be our second Christmas apart (second time she has left). Frankly, it might even be kind of nice since my life is honest now. In my marriage, my stbxw was quite the actress until she left. E-nough.


I haven't bought any Christmas cards and don't intend to, or to send any. I'm feeling a bit guilty about all of the texts and emails I'm getting requesting my new address, however. One of my 2016 resolutions will be to once again send Christmas cards (next year). I haven't done it during the last 5 years of crap. Maybe I'll even get a pic of my two kids and me!


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## Sammy64

Dude007 said:


> How about do something you'd never do? Vegas for Christmas baby!!!! That's what I'd do!!! Dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats what we are doing, My daughter and i are spending the week of Christmas in Vegas, then heading back to SD for Christmas day with my family, All 25 of them..


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## Nomorebeans

I'm having one of those two-steps-back days.

I thought I was doing well dealing with the impending First Christmas Without The Ex. But today I looked at my little sleigh I put out to hold and display Christmas cards I receive (I even bought a new one so the one I used to use every year wouldn't make me sad), saw the two cards I've received in it - December 17, and I've received 2 cards, and one of them is from one of my brothers - and proceeded to cry.

I sent out 30. To my family and friends, and a few to mutual friends of me and my ex who know we're divorced. I don't send them to get them back - I do enjoy sending them, and always send them to my step-siblings who never reciprocate. And the other one of the two I've received is one from one of those folks who never fails to send me a card.

I put up a tree, leaving all the ornaments I bought with him in mind over the years - airplanes, tennis-related stuff, etc. - in a box. I thought seeing those things on the tree would make me sad. I offered them back to him to put on his tree, but he said he didn't want them, either. Perhaps I should have an ornament-burning ceremony on the patio. Looking at my tree still makes me sad, because it's all just "my" and my son's stuff on it.

I'm trying to have some fun buying my son presents, and that's helping. Most days I'm quite proud of myself for coping so well with this mother of all painful holidays (Valentine's Day being her evil [email protected] spawn). Just not today.


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## SecondTime'Round

Nomorebeans said:


> I'm having one of those two-steps-back days.
> 
> I thought I was doing well dealing with the impending First Christmas Without The Ex. But today I looked at my little sleigh I put out to hold and display Christmas cards I receive (I even bought a new one so the one I used to use every year wouldn't make me sad), saw the two cards I've received in it - December 17, and I've received 2 cards, and one of them is from one of my brothers - and proceeded to cry.
> 
> I sent out 30. To my family and friends, and a few to mutual friends of me and my ex who know we're divorced. I don't send them to get them back - I do enjoy sending them, and always send them to my step-siblings who never reciprocate. And the other one of the two I've received is one from one of those folks who never fails to send me a card.
> 
> I put up a tree, leaving all the ornaments I bought with him in mind over the years - airplanes, tennis-related stuff, etc. - in a box. I thought seeing those things on the tree would make me sad. I offered them back to him to put on his tree, but he said he didn't want them, either. Perhaps I should have an ornament-burning ceremony on the patio. Looking at my tree still makes me sad, because it's all just "my" and my son's stuff on it.
> 
> I'm trying to have some fun buying my son presents, and that's helping. Most days I'm quite proud of myself for coping so well with this mother of all painful holidays (Valentine's Day being her evil [email protected] spawn). Just not today.


I haven't checked the mail in two days, but I've only gotten one so far I believe. It's one thing I definitely noticed with the divorce.

If it makes you feel any better, I only just threw away the "our first Christmas" ornaments this year, and that was after two splits from this man. It's hard to get rid of the memories . Don't get me started on my wedding dress and album.

At my counseling session on Tuesday my counselor asked me to think about/brainstorm something I could make as a tradition just with my kids and me. I'm still thinking.....maybe you can too.


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## Nomorebeans

SecondTime'Round said:


> I haven't checked the mail in two days, but I've only gotten one so far I believe. It's one thing I definitely noticed with the divorce.
> 
> If it makes you feel any better, I only just threw away the "our first Christmas" ornaments this year, and that was after two splits from this man. It's hard to get rid of the memories . Don't get me started on my wedding dress and album.
> 
> At my counseling session on Tuesday my counselor asked me to think about/brainstorm something I could make as a tradition just with my kids and me. I'm still thinking.....maybe you can too.


Yes, it's hard to let that stuff go. And then for him be so nonchalant about not wanting any of it (why would he, I know, but he could have been at least a little sensitive about it - oh, wait - who am I talking about, here?). More than that, it burns me that he's getting all the cards this year. They're all really his friends. He sat in judgment of mine so much that it was hard to maintain friendships because my friends didn't much like him. So he and his POS girlfriend can display all the cards from his friends (he's admitted he hasn't sent any and doesn't plan to - I sent them to them all for years - about 50 of them), and I - the wronged one - can sit here alone and look at my whopping 2. 

In lighter news... You're right about new traditions. Something I started last year when he was once again gone for Christmas has become a favorite of my son's (i.e., he requested that we do it again this year): I hid a few of his wrapped gifts around the house. After we opened everything, I waited a couple hours. Then, when he seemed to be feeling the Post-Christmas-Present-Opening Blues, I brought one out and said, "Look what I found under the bed, of all places!" I did that later on with each of the other two.

I stole that from my Dad. He used to do it all day Christmas Day every year for both me and my stepmother. One of them would be the necklace or sweater we wanted most. The others would be just extra stuff he thought we would like, and he was usually right.

This is fun for my son, and for me, too because I'm honoring him, and I know he'd be happy to know I still do this.


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## SecondTime'Round

Nomorebeans said:


> Yes, it's hard to let that stuff go. And then for him be so nonchalant about not wanting any of it (why would he, I know, but he could have been at least a little sensitive about it - oh, wait - who am I talking about, here?). More than that, it burns me that he's getting all the cards this year. They're all really his friends. He sat in judgment of mine so much that it was hard to maintain friendships because my friends didn't much like him. So he and his POS girlfriend can display all the cards from his friends (he's admitted he hasn't sent any and doesn't plan to - I sent them to them all for years - about 50 of them), and I - the wronged one - can sit here alone and look at my whopping 2.
> 
> In lighter news... You're right about new traditions. Something I started last year when he was once again gone for Christmas has become a favorite of my son's (i.e., he requested that we do it again this year): I hid a few of his wrapped gifts around the house. After we opened everything, I waited a couple hours. Then, when he seemed to be feeling the Post-Christmas-Present-Opening Blues, I brought one out and said, "Look what I found under the bed, of all places!" I did that later on with each of the other two.
> 
> I stole that from my Dad. He used to do it all day Christmas Day every year for both me and my stepmother. One of them would be the necklace or sweater we wanted most. The others would be just extra stuff he thought we would like, and he was usually right.
> 
> This is fun for my son, and for me, too because I'm honoring him, and I know he'd be happy to know I still do this.


Awww, that's sweet. I like that idea! 

My ex couldn't care less about anything sentimental either. I have one hundred percent of everything wedding or holiday related. He literally had nothing at all this year and if he put a tree up had to start from scratch (partly because he's so OCD that he wouldn't want to store Christmas stuff). He won't be getting many Christmas cards or wishes at all because he has so few friends so that's not an issue here. I'm sure that is hurtful for you . I hope 2016 brings you many new friends. Next year when I resume sending cards, you and your son will be on my list .


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## Nomorebeans

SecondTime'Round said:


> Awww, that's sweet. I like that idea!
> 
> My ex couldn't care less about anything sentimental either. I have one hundred percent of everything wedding or holiday related. He literally had nothing at all this year and if he put a tree up had to start from scratch (partly because he's so OCD that he wouldn't want to store Christmas stuff). He won't be getting many Christmas cards or wishes at all because he has so few friends so that's not an issue here. I'm sure that is hurtful for you . I hope 2016 brings you many new friends. Next year when I resume sending cards, you and your son will be on my list .


I've actually had two of "our mutual friends" (I guess really not) unfriend me on Facebook recently. Both attended our wedding and have visited us in Florida over the years. I wonder which version of the lie he's been floating with everyone else they got. One of them I don't care about so much - our only correspondence was Christmas cards. But the other one actually regularly liked and/or commented favorably to my posts, saying things about how we were kindred spirits and such. She rescues dogs and has other common interests with me. Until a couple weeks ago - eerily coinciding with him telling me he'd just talked to her recently and told her "about us." Then tonight, I noticed I can't see her posts anymore and figured out why.

You're right - time to make some new friends. And rekindle old friendships with the people he alienated who used to say, "You deserve better."


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## Dude007

NMB, I have to ask, did you come up with your screen name because your exh used to fart a lot? Btw - you definitely deserve better!! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans

Dude007 said:


> NMB, I have to ask, did you come up with your screen name because your exh used to fart a lot? Btw - you definitely deserve better!! Dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, Dude. It's a line from a movie that's symbolic of really saying "No more settling for beans when we can have steak" - literally and metaphorically. (And probably alluding vaguely to farting, because it's one camper saying that to another.)

He actually wasn't much of a farter. I don't think he could get any gas out of that [email protected]$$ of his.


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## SecondTime'Round

Nomorebeans said:


> No, Dude. It's a line from a movie that's symbolic of really saying "No more settling for beans when we can have steak" - literally and metaphorically. (And probably alluding vaguely to farting, because it's one camper saying that to another.)
> 
> He actually wasn't much of a farter. *I don't think he could get any gas out of that [email protected]$$ of his.*


:lol:


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## Openminded

I looked at my divorce as a totally new beginning. There were friends (and some of my extended family) that I dropped because they weren't supportive of my ending an extremely long marriage. I now have a smaller circle who completely support me and I don't miss the negativity the others brought into my life. 

As for the holidays, that was a total reset too. This is the third Christmas since my divorce. I changed everything about how I celebrated all holidays -- but especially Christmas since when I was married that was a major production. Now I have new traditions and new memories. And a happier life.


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