# Need a man's point of view



## needtoknowiftrue (Oct 19, 2014)

My husband was acting very distant for a few weeks so I ask him what was going on.He just hung his head and would not look at me.,when I ask him if he had another woman he did not deny it .I ask who it was and he would not tell me at first then he gave me a name.After a few choice words from me he said he was going to stay at his moms .We spent the night apart I went to a friends house.The next dsy he came by and he said he was lying just to get my attention like a fool I took him back .My question is would a man say that if it was not true and risk a divorce.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

It's tough to imagine anyone lying about such a hurtful thing, but I'll try. Some possibilities:

1) Your husband is an emotionally and mentally unhealthy person.

2) Your marriage is so tragically flawed and off-kilter that he's lost his way (basically, back to #1).

3) He thinks you've had an affair and is lashing out (ditto).

None of these are healthy behaviors, obviously, but unless these possible factors exist, I'd say that the much more likely possibility is that your H is lying about lying.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

If your husband is a credible person usually then he must be punishing you ; either for unappropriate behavior or because you are not satisfying his sexual needs.
any clue ?


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

needtoknowiftrue said:


> My husband was acting very distant for a few weeks so I ask him what was going on.He just hung his head and would not look at me.,when I ask him if he had another woman he did not deny it .I ask who it was and he would not tell me at first then he gave me a name.After a few choice words from me he said he was going to stay at his moms .We spent the night apart I went to a friends house.The next dsy he came by and he said he was lying just to get my attention like a fool I took him back .My question is would a man say that if it was not true and risk a divorce.


Here is your checklist before you continue;

1) Say nothing to your husband from here on out until you read the following. Nothing at all, not even a little bit/

2) Check all forms of digital communication, Cell phones, FB, E-Mail and Gamertag messages, if he has any.

3) Check any and all bills to identify red flags, especially Cell phone bills.

4) Search for a Forum member named Weightlifter who has an evidence gathering thread that is fantastic at catching a cheater. Utilize the search box in the upper right hand corner and simply type "Evidence Gathering" and it should be the first hit.

5) Believe nothing that comes from his mouth, for now, and half of what you see. Quietly segregate any and all finances, find an excuse beforehand to avoid suspicion.

6) Accept that this may very well be a reality and prepare to kick a55 one way or another because if there is nothing of merit and it was just a lie to get your attention he may just as well make that a reality for the next time he feels unloved. Either way, consequences need to be doled out.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Zouz said:


> If your husband is a credible person usually then he must be punishing you ; either for unappropriate behavior or because you are not satisfying his sexual needs.
> any clue ?


No credible person would lie about an affair, they'd simply explain their unhappiness and if this woman is honest about her description of the circumstance then his distance, confession, retraction and initial gas lighting is a tell tale sign.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

That's about as logical as someon going to the cops, confessing murder, then saying just kidding!!!

He's trying to put the genie back in the bottle.

He gave you a name? Find her. 

Send him back to his mother. Pin a note to his shirt so she knows WTF he did.

PS You know he probably didn't go to his moms right? He went to stay with other woman. And her desire for him went down since you kicked him out. So now he is crawling back to you with this flimsy excuse that it was all a lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

No normal man would lie about that.

He's in the "Oh shlt, what did I do?" stage, and scrambling for an easy way out.


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## Ralfgarnet (Oct 20, 2014)

Nobody in their right mind would admit to something they haven't done knowing full well all the potential fallout from such a revalation, unless of course he is a total idiot with a death wish.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Ralfgarnet said:


> Nobody in their right mind would admit to something they haven't done *knowing full well all the potential fallout from such a revalation*, unless of course he is a total idiot with a death wish.


Agreed. Just think of the impact on some benign behaviour:

1. Working a little late
2. Meeting a mate for a quick beer and a chat
3. Stopping off at the store on the way home
4. Fishing trip with friends
5. Going to a friends place to watch the football game

Throwing infidelity and betrayal into your wife's head for no reason at all would impact every single time you did anything at all out of the ordinary.

You'd have to be out of your mind to 'joke' about something like this.

EDIT: needtoknowiftrue, do you recognise the name he gave?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

I think he is cheating.

However, GT has a point. If he is not cheating, he is trying to get your attention and make you jealous. 

If you gave more history, I could better assess. Is this the first time ? Was there any infidelity in the relationship before ? Is there anything he could be jealous about ? 

My hunch is that if he wasn't cheating and tried to do this, he would have waited around for a reaction. 

Follow up and do what Joker suggested in the meantime


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

It sounds to me like he is indeed having an affair. If he is NOT, do you want to stay with someone that would mess with your emotions like that?

Either way, you can't win...


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

probably not...sounds like he was battling an urge to spill the beans, and had regrets once it happened.

IF he sticks with his story, you need to do all the standard investigating steps, especially since you have the name of the OW. Check for her phone number on the call logs, activities on email, facebook, etc.

if it was just a stupid fitness test, or a bizarre cry for attention, or a ploy to hurt you, you really need some marriage counseling. 

What's the deal with the OW? someone at work, friend, neighbor? married?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It appears to me he is testing the waters for a either your reaction to a possible affair or he is already past that point also wanting to gauge your reaction. 

I suspect he is already in an affair. Time for investigative work to confirm.


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## FromEurope (Jun 29, 2014)

My question is would a man say that if it was not true and risk a divorce. 


No. No man does that just for kidding.... expecialy towards a wife!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Needtoknowiftrue

I would say that any reasonable man would never say there was another woman then claim they were trying to get your attention. Being a BS I think that's plain cruel to toy with ones emotions. There are far easier ways to get your attention. I'm assuming you spoke to him prior to his saying that so he could have said we need to talk and it's serious. I'm assuming you would have given him your undivided attention. In my opinion I think you caught him off guard and he panicked then blurted out her name. After having a night to think it over he changes course because he is in no mans land. Check out the name he gave you and see if it is a living person. 

Sorry you are here and best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

needtoknowiftrue said:


> My husband was acting very distant for a few weeks so I ask him what was going on.He just hung his head and would not look at me.,when I ask him if he had another woman he did not deny it .I ask who it was and he would not tell me at first then he gave me a name.After a few choice words from me he said he was going to stay at his moms .We spent the night apart I went to a friends house.The next dsy he came by and he said he was lying just to get my attention like a fool I took him back .My question is would a man say that if it was not true and risk a divorce.


Anything is possible. Men and women can do and say some very silly things.

Might he think you were cheating on him?:scratchhead:

Couple's counselling will help.

Keep an eye out on his activities, however.


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

I suggest you do as Joker stated above. You need to catch him out.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

He probably regretted letting the cat out of the bag and thought he could recant the story and gaslight you into buying it. 

Either way the resulting hurt is very similar and if I were in your shoes I would deal with him the same way as if he were in an affair. I would show him that it does not pay to trifle with your feelings in such a brutal way. 

The very least his behavior shows is a massive lack of common sense and decency. 

Where do all these jackwagons come from?


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

Also maybe hire a PI


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Just my opinion, but the reason he told you the "lying about lying" story the next day is that it took him that long to think it up.

Moreover, anyone that would hurt their spouse so brutally (as in a "pretend" affair) really must not care that much - even if the lie about the lie isn't a lie...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He isn't very clever.

Detective mode ON.


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## needtoknowiftrue (Oct 19, 2014)

I posted a few weeks ago needing a man's point of view.Found out that the owner name he gave me was a waitress at a cafe he was going to all the time.He says that he did not have sex with her but I also found where she was texting him and he was texting back after I ask him not to talk to her anymore he said she had tried to get him to go out with her.I went somewhere one after noon and did not get home until after 10 pm he had went and got in our sons bed and had his phone beside him on the bed which he never does I picked it up and there was a message from ow saying good night sweetie love you he grabbed the phone out of my hand and deleted the message but it was to late I had a ready saw it I told him to leave but he would not saying he love me help what do I believe and how am I ever going to get over this need advice


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

needtoknowiftrue said:


> I posted a few weeks ago needing a man's point of view.Found out that the owner name he gave me was a waitress at a cafe he was going to all the time.He says that he did not have sex with her but I also found where she was texting him and he was texting back after I ask him not to talk to her anymore he said she had tried to get him to go out with her.I went somewhere one after noon and did not get home until after 10 pm he had went and got in our sons bed and had his phone beside him on the bed which he never does I picked it up and there was a message from ow saying good night sweetie love you he grabbed the phone out of my hand and deleted the message but it was to late I had a ready saw it I told him to leave but he would not saying he love me help what do I believe and how am I ever going to get over this need advice


He is cheating. Damn. Sorry.


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## needtoknowiftrue (Oct 19, 2014)

Yeah I guess I a ready knew in my heart that he was just did not want it to be true


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

needtoknowiftrue said:


> Yeah I guess I a ready knew in my heart that he was just did not want it to be true


 It's time to put the nice away and prep the manhammer for use. Since you already know you now have to accept it and make him own it. Do not believe anything he says from here on out as it will be craptacular nonsense designed to simultaneously make you feel good and clear his name, a married man cannot love 2 people and since he has another woman telling him that chances are an EA/PA is in full swing. 

Right now your stuck in limbo, a dreamlike horror that consumes the betrayed and as your days blur from one to the next you'll lose a part of yourself you will not get back. Time to fight back. 

Here is your shield; Expose this to everyone of merit, family, friends, the OW's family is possible and your mail man, whoever. This prevents you from looking like the jealous basketcase he will, or already is, telling people, and it is near impossible to change an initial opinion or rumor belief in others.

Here is your sword: File for the big D. It sucks, It conflicts with your wants but it will accelerate the end result of this debacle. He'll either stop the affair and prove thru hard work and maximum effort he has changed and it will be on your terms or he will choose the AP without the constant lies, gaslighting, risk of STD's, or everything else you are exposed to while he is unfaithful. The sooner you act the better, for extra credit make it happen in the space of a week or a day and presto, YOU have the power back, and he will have a bald spot on his stomach from his tail rubbing the hair away.

Now, press Ctrl+Alt+Delete, click lock and get this battle underway...........And do not let him know, or threaten, just do it.....


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

needtoknowiftrue said:


> Yeah I guess I a ready knew in my heart that he was just did not want it to be true


Playing devils advocate.... Is there a chance he just had a stupid way of trying to make you jealous?

While reading MMSLP, there is a section in there about making our wife believe other women are interested in us. Athol Kay doesn't say to cheat... But if the wife believes other women are "interested" then she may desire the husband more...yes, that is stupid...

Do you think he may feel "unloved"? Or that you don't desire him?

Could it be that he just wanted to get your attention and doesn't know how to communicate that?

Does your husband seem depressed?


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

Im so sorry but he is cheating. If she is telling him she loves him it is very highly likely that he has told her that he loves her. You need to go to the cafe and confront her as she may not know about you and thinks that he is single. 

You need to leave him.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Needtoknowiftrue

I am sorry to hear of your findings but you now know that he is cheating. What you know is devastating and leaves you filled with unbearable pain. Find a trusted friend, family member, or therapist if need be. I didn't tell anyone and by the time I went to MC I was severely depressed. Be sure to take care of yourself. These next couple of weeks will be excruciating but if I made it you can too. That's some of the great things about TAM. You can read other threads of how people survived and get good advice. Not all the advice is good but most of it is. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

any idiot who follows that kind of advice from Kay isn't mature enough to be married. 

that said I wish that were the case here. but she knows he's cheating .


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