# Wife wants to move



## Atc11guy (Sep 29, 2017)

My wife and I moved to Texas together for my job and we have been here about 18 months. She recently told me she hates it and wants to move back to Michigan. I'm not that opposed to it but I'd be losing almost 50k dollars a year to move back. Also she had told me she di dnt love me anymore just two months ago after a fight so I'm worried she just wants to move back there and get divorced cuz that's where all our family is. I don't want to give up my family for money but I'd hate to leave this job and then have her divorce me as soon as we get back to Michigan. Any thoughts?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I see two different issues. Were to live, and you overall marriage. 

I think the marriage needs to be understood / solved first. What caused her to say she didn't love you and was it just an angry rant, or do you think she really means it?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Yikes. How's the health of the marriage? Having frequent sex? Sounds like she is checked out if she doesn't love you. Do you see yourself married to her 10 years from now?

I wouldn't move until you figure out if you two are going to make it. Check for a boyfriend. Then if she's not having an EA/PA, get into marriage counseling.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do you have children?

Personally, if my spouse told me two months ago that he didn't love me, I wouldn't move any farther than the end of the couch. She needs to up her ante if she is expecting you to uproot your life and career to cater to her whims.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Agree 100% not to move under these circumstances. The marriage needs to be dealt with.

That said, what was her attitude about the move to Texas in the first place. If that move was a traumatic uprooting that she was not fully on board with, that may explain some of her loss of feeling for you. 

Again, not saying you should move back to fix it, but it is part of understanding your situation.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

If she wants a divorce wouldn't she just moved back to Michigan by herself? I believe that you should consider moving if she is unhappy in Texas. Decisions like this that are so important to one's happiness should be mutual. At some point the two of you should spend a nice weekend together doing things that will help you to reconnect. After that you should come to the table and discuss things that I are making you happy and unhappy in your marriage. The best way to solve marital problems is to spend quality time together and to fall back in love, not to simply dig Old festering wounds and hash them out over and over again. Learn to meet each other's needs and stop doing those things that hurt each other.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Me personally I wouldn't move anywhere and uproot my life for someone who said they didn't love me. I think your gut reaction about her moving back and divrocing is correct


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Rick Blaine said:


> If she wants a divorce wouldn't she just moved back to Michigan by herself? I believe that you should consider moving if she is unhappy in Texas. Decisions like this that are so important to one's happiness should be mutual. At some point the two of you should spend a nice weekend together doing things that will help you to reconnect. After that you should come to the table and discuss things that I are making you happy and unhappy in your marriage. The best way to solve marital problems is to spend quality time together and to fall back in love, not to simply dig Old festering wounds and hash them out over and over again. Learn to meet each other's needs and stop doing those things that hurt each other.


Well, if she wants a divorce, it would be cheaper for her to get him to move her back before she dumps him. 

The rest of the post is solid. I"m looking forward to getting OP's take on how she felt about the first move in the first place.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,

Just for peace of mind, why don't you look at divorce laws in each state relative to your particular situation. If she's going to sucker you into moving back to Michigan just so she can divorce you, then what's the difference between Texas and Michigan. A divorce is a divorce.

My spouse tells me she doesn't love me anymore then I'm asking her when she's moving out.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

She may not know what she wants so she wants to move back home. And now she wants a divorce. I would stay put if you like the area and your job-- That's important!! If she is unhappy, let her move back to MI.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rick Blaine said:


> If she wants a divorce wouldn't she just moved back to Michigan by herself? I believe that you should consider moving if she is unhappy in Texas. Decisions like this that are so important to one's happiness should be mutual. At some point the two of you should spend a nice weekend together doing things that will help you to reconnect. After that you should come to the table and discuss things that I are making you happy and unhappy in your marriage. The best way to solve marital problems is to spend quality time together and to fall back in love, not to simply dig Old festering wounds and hash them out over and over again. Learn to meet each other's needs and stop doing those things that hurt each other.


This is a good analysis and fair analysis except:

She told him she does not love him anymore.
..............................................................................................................................
If they were a loving couple and she was unhappy because she left her family and friends back in Michigan, then yes, for her sake, for her mental health and happiness, move back.

But not for a person who was 'just' honest enough to say they no longer love you, but not honest enough to express how they view the future of their marriage. 

Too many unanswered questions. 
...........................................................................................................................................
Note: Moving is one of the life events that precedes many tragedies and painful periods in one's life and even one's health.
Basically, it is change forced on you by outside forces. In this case it is the wife who is pushing to move.

I see this as a risky time and period. Make no major moves. Guard your home. Protect it against unexpected problems.

Speaking of Texas....how did you weather this hurricane and flooding?

Maybe these bad events have already struck...home!


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## Atc11guy (Sep 29, 2017)

Thanks for all of your input. I'll try to answer as many questions as I can here. The first response asked about our sex life and it has been non-existent for the last 4 months. A little background we have been together 6 years and have a 4 year old son and 2 year old daughter. We just got married last year and sex has been very infrequent which I understand due to kids but she has no desire since our last big fight when she said she doesn't love me and I have asked several times she said she just isn't ready. She encouraged the move down to Texas but now she says she just can't be happy here and she has to be in Michigan. She claims she wants to stay together when we move back but I have serious doubts.


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## Atc11guy (Sep 29, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Do you have children?
> 
> Personally, if my spouse told me two months ago that he didn't love me, I wouldn't move any farther than the end of the couch. She needs to up her ante if she is expecting you to uproot your life and career to cater to her whims.





Wolf1974 said:


> Me personally I wouldn't move anywhere and uproot my life for someone who said they didn't love me. I think your gut reaction about her moving back and divrocing is correct


Should have put in original but yes we have two kids which throws a major wrench in the situation. If it were just us and she told me she didn't love me anymore I would tell her bye if she doesn't want to stay with me.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> This is a good analysis and fair analysis except:
> 
> She told him she does not love him anymore.
> ....................................................................................................................


Yes, SCM, and I don't casually dismiss that. It takes a huge leap of unfaithfulness to say "I don't love you" to a spouse, which should indeed give OP pause. That is for damn sure.

But marriage vows are marriage vows. They mean something. If we break our promise we damage our integrity. Marriage is worth fighting for and we have a moral obligation to fight the fight. If we give up too easy we didn't honor our vows. And the truth of life--and the greatest promise of life--is sometimes we have to give a lot more than we receive. We have to forgive when forgiveness is counterintuitive. The blessings of enduring happiness pour upon those who live this way. I am not talking about unconditional forgiveness. There are lines that can't be crossed.

But OP should work with his wife to repair the damage. Her love bank is empt and there is reason for it. Figure it out and make deposits before it is too late and she walks away. Try!


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Duplicate post...deleted.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Op - If there is ultimately a divorce the problem of custody and visitation will need resolved. If it was best for the family and career I might be very tempted to remain in Texas and try to mitigate her missing Michigan by helping her travel there as reasonably possible. 

If she divorces she will likely fight for the kids and your permission to take the kids to Michigan. In the absence of your consent she’ll likely petition the court for authorization claiming her family’s help would be beneficial to the kids as she must work. The court would likely grant her petition if she is awarded primary care. She may be ordered to pay one-half of the travel expenses to facilitate visitation. 

If these things are concerning then you might set up a private meeting with a family attorney and take advantage of his/her experience. There may be things you haven’t thought of that may help you decided what’s in the best interest of the kids and yourself in the worse case. 

Good luck.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Didn't a similar thing happen to @Houstondad? He got custody of the kids and remained in Texas while the ex moved to Michigan or Minnesota. I can't remember if they were originally from the north and moved to Texas though. Anyway, maybe he can come here and give advice.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Mind sharing the general types of locales? Southeastern Michigan like Farmington Hills and the like is one thing, Kalamazoo quite another. I lived in SE Michigan for a while and liked it, but Texas is a lot more to my liking except Houston .


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rick Blaine said:


> Yes, SCM, and I don't casually dismiss that. It takes a huge leap of unfaithfulness to say "I don't love you" to a spouse, which should indeed give OP pause. That is for damn sure.
> 
> But marriage vows are marriage vows. They mean something. If we break our promise we damage our integrity. Marriage is worth fighting for and we have a moral obligation to fight the fight. If we give up too easy we didn't honor our vows. And the truth of life--and the greatest promise of life--is sometimes we have to give a lot more than we receive. We have to forgive when forgiveness is counterintuitive. The blessings of enduring happiness pour upon those who live this way. I am not talking about unconditional forgiveness. There are lines that can't be crossed.
> 
> But OP should work with his wife to repair the damage. Her love bank is empty and there is reason for it. Figure it out and make deposits before it is too late and she walks away. Try!


You are a better man, a more honorable man than most...

But, not a smarter man.

That said, smart is not always right. Especially when it comes to dealing with a women's emotions.

OP is his own man. His wife, his life.

Once the train leaves the station it is gone.

Her train has not left....
I hear her engine chugging...building up steam.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

I think we need more information about the situation. What are the reasons she gave for falling out of love.


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