# Just bummed out and venting..



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Just having a bad few days.. 

Sounds retarded but my mother is on my a$$, she tries to be very controlling and just doesn't want anyone to take me away from her. So like a jealous G.F. starts a fight over nonsense.. Sometimes I can walk away and sometimes she just hooks me. 

She hooked me so we got into it.

My son is sick.. 
Work issues.. 

I'm just starting to feel the pressure a bit..

Just to learn to relax but I just can't sometimes..


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Hardtohandle said:


> Just having a bad few days..
> 
> Sounds retarded but my mother is on my a$$, she tries to be very controlling and just doesn't want anyone to take me away from her. So like a jealous G.F. starts a fight over nonsense.. Sometimes I can walk away and sometimes she just hooks me.
> 
> ...


HTH why engage her if you know its going to to turn into something? Did you say you still live with her?

Part of learning to do whats best for ones self, is knowing how to deal with people who push our buttons and learning how to either stay above it or if you cant walk away

You very much still sound very raw about everything...were you always like this? or has it just been since your marriage fell apart?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

So far the best phrase I've found that works very well with my controlling mother:

"That's your opinion."

And I leave it at that, when possible, without engaging further. 

Nearly every time she eventually comes back with an apology and admission that I'm a grown man and should do what I think is best. 

Sometimes that doesn't happen for days. Sometimes it doesn't at all. But any unsolicited advise she gives me is merely an opinion. I will consider it... if I see merit in it. But I am not her subordinate.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hardtohandle said:


> Just having a bad few days..
> 
> Sounds retarded but my mother is on my a$$, she tries to be very controlling and just doesn't want anyone to take me away from her. So like a jealous G.F. starts a fight over nonsense.. Sometimes I can walk away and sometimes she just hooks me.
> 
> ...


How do you think you learned to be codependent?

Another excellent phrase is, "I see it differently"

Again, no need to fill in the gaps or explain.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

See, I've got that mother who thinks "I see it differently" and "That's your opinion" are invitations for further debate and/or meddling. 

With my Mom, I have to be pretty direct. "Mom, I love you very much. But I am an adult and will make up my own mind/do what I feel is best for me. We aren't going to talk about this further." Conversation about that topic is then closed unless or until I decide to re-open it. If she persists, I simply walk away. I've had to get in the car and drive home a couple times when she wouldn't let something go, but I've only had to ask her to leave my house over this sort of thing once. 

I'm not mean about it and my tone is pleasant. But I simply will not debate things with her.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Rowan said:


> See, I've got that mother who thinks "I see it differently" and "That's your opinion" are invitations for further debate and/or meddling.
> 
> With my Mom, I have to be pretty direct. "Mom, I love you very much. But I am an adult and will make up my own mind/do what I feel is best for me. We aren't going to talk about this further." Conversation about that topic is then closed unless or until I decide to re-open it. If she persists, I simply walk away. I've had to get in the car and drive home a couple times when she wouldn't let something go, but I've only had to ask her to leave my house over this sort of thing once.
> 
> I'm not mean about it and my tone is pleasant. But I simply will not debate things with her.


Rarely is anything a one fits all solution. Phrasing things differently for different people is fine.

I've used "I see it differently" with my mother before and had similar increase in debate. She goes right into explaining how SHE sees things (as if it wasn't already obvious), how she sees that due to experience and how her experience trumps mine because she is my mother and KNOWS what is true. 

Then I respond, "Well I do NOT know that to be true, and I will make my decisions based on what I DO know."


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

My mother got upset because I decided to take out some money buy a newer car and take my kids on vacation. My current car is 13 years old and I am looking to buy a pre certified 2010 Jeep Unlimited. 

I'm also looking to take the kids to disney this year.. My kids have never been on a real vacation.

I also decided to sell my car to my G.F. for 1k and use that money to fix up my brothers car that has been in the driveway for several years. You know, New tires, tune up.. ETC.. Get it on the road. This way he can help drive my mom around once in a while.. He is 54 and does nothing.. He has R.A. and thinks he can't do anything but I see handicap cabs pick up civilian worker walking with 2 canes every day from my work. So he filed for disability.. Let see how it goes..

Nonetheless my mother feels I should have spent that money on fixing some things in the house... I could careless atm about some of this stuff.. I spent 20k in less then 10 months for a collapsed sewer line and brand new heating system because the old one cracked.. 

My Ex left a little over a year ago and hasn't spoken to my oldest in about a year.. 

I think *WE* deserve a vacation and I think I deserve a newer car.. 

She just likes to say stupid things sometimes.. EG maybe your Ex is happy now.. Maybe she doesn't care about a house or money.. 

I chimed in OR THE KIDS....

I chalk it up to being old and bitter over her divorce..

She thought I should wait 3 years before dating someone in case my ex decided to come back.. Go figure that one out.. INCASE MY EX WANTED TO COME BACK.... I wish I was making this up.. 

I told her, I don't have a say in this ? I just have to accept her with open arms and thank god she is back ? I should kiss her feet as she walks through the door ?... I gave my mom her number, I told her call her if you want her back so bad. See if her and boyfriend want to come here I will switch this house for their apartment.. All of you can live a happy life together.. She got quiet.. 

But that is the nonsense I deal with sometimes..


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

HTH,

Rise to 50k.

How would you advise yourself?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's your life. You can do whatever you want.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Rowan said:


> See, I've got that mother who thinks "I see it differently" and "That's your opinion" are invitations for further debate and/or meddling.


I used to say "whatever" and walk away. One day I walked away for good. I haven't spoken to my mother since July, 2003. Sometimes that's what it takes. 

Life is too short to deal with toxic people who poison your life.


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