# Am I crazy?



## LastsGal (Jul 18, 2009)

I've been married for going on 3 years. It's the second marriage for both of us. I'm divorced, while his first wife is deceased. She died 6 years ago in November 2003 and August 2009 will be our 3rd anniversary.

Here's my issue. He feels the need to tell everyone that his "first wife died, leaving him and their two kids 6 & 4 at the time" behind at every blessed opportunity. I've told him how it makes me feel to have him talking about that instead of our life together, but it doesn't seem to matter.

He joined a new forum a while back & I came back to give him a kiss & just "touch base" this afternoon to find that he had just, yet again, posted to this new bunch of people about his first wife dying.

I got , then calmed down & tried to explain to him for the millionth time that I feel it's disrespectful not just to me, but to our marriage when he does this, especially when he won't even allow me to buy a card for my ex from his kids (our other 2) because for some reason, I'm supposed to pretend I didn't have a life before I met him.

His response? "I don't need nor do I have to explain this to you Gina."

WTH? Am I crazy for feeling this way, or is he the one who needs help? :scratchhead:


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Stop making this an issue. You cannot compete with his deceased wife.

He may love you, but he is still in mourning for her.

It may have been a mistake to marry too soon for his full connection with you.

If his complete focus is on lamenting his first wife's demise, for sure you have to address this.

But making it an issue that he discusses this or misses her?

Will not do you any good.

Why would you compare sending a card to your ex husband to grieving for his dead first wife?

He did not willingly end that marriage. 

I don't know how your first marriage ended, but it involved enough bad feelings to include a divorce.

I'm not trying to be mean here. Just trying to see if you can empathize with what he went through.

I mean, you chose a widower to marry.


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## LastsGal (Jul 18, 2009)

I guess I feel that if he was still grieving this much for his first wife, he shouldn't have hidden it from me until after we were married. It's not like we didn't talk... a lot... about it. I did my due diligence in ensuring he was ready to move forward before he asked me to marry him. I feel rather like I received a bait & switch on that end.

I equated the ex & card thing to this because regardless of what the past is, how is it okay for one person to have one & the other to not have one? That, and I believe children should be affected as little as possible by a divorce. If the kid wants to buy their bio-dad a bday card, they should be allowed to. Period.

To put it another way, if I'm not allowed to mention Chicago in any context because I went on weekends with an ex-beau 4 years before I met my husband, why should he be allowed to talk about his first wife all the time?

Most importantly, though, is the "I don't have to talk to you about this. So, it's okay to basically tell your spouse that their feelings don't matter to you. Guess I am crazy.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

You're not crazy. Yes, he's still in some kind of morbid mourning (after 6 years?!?) phase...but his remarks are very disrespectful to you and your marriage! 

Do the two of you have kids together? If not, tell him you're done and leaving! Tell him you don't need his BS. And you don't! 

He asked you to marry him and that must have been for a reason. Hopefully not simply because he was lonely after his wife died. Wake his a$$ up, shake him loose. 

Tell him it's her or you from now on. Period. He did marry you. 

My wife and I separated, then divorced. Later she died. I certainly don't dwell on it. My xgf cheated on me and married for his money. It no longer bothers me. It's in the past! He needs to focus and concentrate on YOU and your marriage. 

What you and your ex have is your kids. If they want to get him a BD card...that's perfectly fine! Your H don't like it? Too dang bad!!!!

Tell him, give an ultimatum, that he CANNOT talk about his ex any longer, anywhere, anytime. No exceptions!! It's history. Done. Over with. Finis. YOU are (supposed to be) his life now, not her. He can think all he wants, but cannot speak (or write) about it!

He's playing the martyr. Looking for sympathy to embolden himself, make him feel better, justify himself. He needs to grow up and move on.


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

dcrim said:


> You're not crazy. Yes, he's still in some kind of morbid mourning (after 6 years?!?) phase...but his remarks are very disrespectful to you and your marriage!
> 
> Do the two of you have kids together? If not, tell him you're done and leaving! Tell him you don't need his BS. And you don't!
> 
> ...


:iagree:

He needs to find a way to let go of his previous relationship, even if he cannot stop thinking about it, he should not be putting you in the position of competing with a ghost. 
Do you think he feels jealous that you can still have some type of relationship with your ex? You need to ask him to talk to you about this. He may be using the online forum to express his longing (which could still be very strong) without rubbing it in your face. While he avoids building a future with you and this family NOW, he is depriving you and he of what good you could be together.


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## LastsGal (Jul 18, 2009)

SFladybug said:


> :iagree:
> 
> He needs to find a way to let go of his previous relationship, even if he cannot stop thinking about it, he should not be putting you in the position of competing with a ghost.
> Do you think he feels jealous that you can still have some type of relationship with your ex? You need to ask him to talk to you about this. He may be using the online forum to express his longing (which could still be very strong) without rubbing it in your face. While he avoids building a future with you and this family NOW, he is depriving you and he of what good you could be together.


I have tried talking to him about it, yes. I'm not sure what he's feeling because he's not good at expressing anything like that. He has two modes... very loving and very angry. In fact, he's extremely pissed right now that I've gone online asking for advice from others. He's just alerted me that he's monitoring my internet usage. ?!? I said whatever. I have nothing to hide. 

At any rate, I wouldn't -- couldn't -- blame him for still being in some sort of morning. She was the only person he was ever really with and they were together the better part of 15 years. In hindsight, I can see that she was his anchor in a world he can't deal with very well. I'm just not as good an anchor. Someone said something earlier about competing with her... I don't. Can't anyway. She was, by everyone's accounts, a sort of superwoman. She worked, making extremely good money and still kept a perfectly spotless house and kept up with school, events, volunteering. 

I've been very honest that if I were to try to do all that, I'd end up in an early grave too, and I refuse to do it. I live with Fibromyalgia, so I'm lucky most days to have the energy to get out of bed, but I've started an insurance agency a couple of months ago, keep up pretty well with the 4 kids & volunteer at school. However, after 3 years of being at home, it is obvious that I will never be a great housewife. In fact, I really stink at keeping a house. But, I do the best I can with what I have to work with & that will have to be enough. 

There are plenty of things I don't get right, but I also don't expect a whole helluva lot out of my spouse either. This just happens to be one of those things. Glad to hear that it's not a crazy request.


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## Last (Jul 23, 2009)

Well there's @ least one good point brought up here though I can not believe some of the obvious garbage that without even being in my shoes anyone with internet access & a computer can spout.

No, wait I take that back as it's obvious that everyone here wants to only make themselves feel something. Anything other than the tactile feelings which is so inane as their fingers tapping away on a keyboard.

It's obvious that some of you people don't have a clue what marriage is about but yet you act like you can truly offer advice without the slightest idea of what it takes to build a *REAL* Marriage.

*And that takes WORK!* If if doesn't work at first you try your damnedest to make it. If there is violence involved or threats I can see leaving but because there's an argument? Good lord. You need your Mommies if you aren't ready to handle your own live's.

Far too many want to point fingers then wonder where they went wrong? Oh Gee, I don't like something so I'll just leave?

No wonder we live in such a fractured society.

Pathetic.


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## LastsGal (Jul 18, 2009)

Last said:


> Well there's @ least one good point brought up here though I can not believe some of the obvious garbage that without even being in my shoes anyone with internet access & a computer can spout.
> 
> No, wait I take that back as it's obvious that everyone here wants to only make themselves feel something. Anything other than the tactile feelings which is so inane as their fingers tapping away on a keyboard.
> 
> ...



And this, ladies & gentleman is my husband.


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## Last (Jul 23, 2009)

LastsGal said:


> And this, ladies & gentleman is my husband.


Correction.

*WAS*


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## LastsGal (Jul 18, 2009)

Last said:


> Correction.
> 
> *WAS*


Why follow me in here and make even more trouble? You don't want me talking to my family because it's embarrassing for you. I've lost all my friends from before I met you. You won't pay for counseling. I have no support network, for heaven's sake. Leave me be!


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## Last (Jul 23, 2009)

LastsGal said:


> . Leave me be!


My pleasure.


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## WolfeMama (Jul 22, 2009)

So is LAST your husband??

If so he is allowed to post wherever about his past 6 years ago and your not aloud to ask for advice???


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## kozzy (Jul 2, 2009)

You guys get up at 3 in the morning to have online arguments? That's dedication.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I guess he says this to people you don't already know... 
and there would be nothing wrong with that
but it could be the timing and enviroment in which he says it.

I'd say unless you entertain constantly and in contact with many new people on a regular basis, it's not that big a deal.
I guess you can work on its delivery if you are people who are in contact with many new people regularly.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Yep, a marriage DOES take work. But when you enter in to it, and can't let your past go, that makes for even MORE work in your current marriage. 
I don't think your current wife wants you to forget your former wife; i'm sure she can understand honoring her memory; losing her had to be extremely hard for you, Last. BUT, you also have to learn to honor your current wife, because she is the one with you now, committed to you. We all go thru the grieving process differently, and quite honestly, its easy to become stuck in the process of grieveing rather than letting go. 
If you love her, Last, then do the work to get yourself to the point where you can let go of the hurt and really move on.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I don't know if after their argument, if they will come back or not, but Last is right about one thing, everyone wants to point fingers in one direction or the other.

I think they both have issues here. 

1.) The past always comes up in conversations in one way or another. Gal will have to deal with the fact that the deceased wife will come up in conversation, and Last shouldn't try to make Gal ignore hers.

2.) Last sounds like he is being a little hypocritical here. Like he said in one post, "Marriage takes work and you have to try your damnedest to make it!" Then in his next post says that he WAS her husband. 

3.) LastsGal sounds like there is a little bit of an insecurity or inferiority complex with the last wife. About how people talk about her being a "Superwoman". And Last isn't doing much to help her out with this.

I don't know, I could go on... but it sounds like both of you need to take a look in the mirror about what you can do to help out the other person and try to make THEM happy instead of just pointing fingers back and forth at each other.


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## LastsGal (Jul 18, 2009)

Thanks for all of the input. Sorry for the intrusion. For those of you who posted to him, I can't guarantee he'll read it and even if he does, it isn't anything he hasn't heard before and refuses to believe.

I, too, agree a marriage is work. It just shouldn't be this much work for two people who have so much in common and tremendously complimentary personalities & strengths. 

It takes two to make a marriage, two to make it a mess & two to clean it up. I can't do it alone, which is how I feel and hence, why I came here in the first place.

Thanks, again.


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## LastsGal (Jul 18, 2009)

GPR said:


> I don't know if after their argument, if they will come back or not, but Last is right about one thing, everyone wants to point fingers in one direction or the other.
> 
> I think they both have issues here.
> 
> ...


Sorry, but need to clarify a couple of things....

I have no insecurities about his first wife. She was awesome and did absolutely everything for everyone. I recognize that, and I also recognize that I'm not able or willing to kill myself to be like her.

Also, we've talked about her many times. I'm mom to two of their children. I feel it's important for me to know who their mother was if I'm to be able to give them some of her along with me. I have no problem with her coming up in our own conversations. 

It's bringing her up to others when there's no logical reason to that I've repeatedly expressed how it makes me feel about how he sees his marriage to me that is the issue. THis has been an issue from the beginning of our marriage. We frequent the same forums, so at first when I saw "my wife died" I told him I didn't understand why he'd felt the need to add that. When he was unreceptive to it, I simply asked him to put his "first wife" at least, so that there was some differentiation.

Apparently, we never really got to the core of the issue, which is when he brings her up as his wife when he has a current wife, it says to me he still considers her his wife. I'm just a warm body filling in for sex, housekeeping & being a mom to the kids. Whether he feels that way or not, it's how it makes ME feel, and he's invalidating those feelings by refusing to acknowledge them, talk to me about them, or better yet... get some counseling for his obviously still-present and very strong grief.

Thanks


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

LastsGal said:


> It's bringing her up to others when there's no logical reason to that I've repeatedly expressed how it makes me feel about how he sees his marriage to me that is the issue. THis has been an issue from the beginning of our marriage. We frequent the same forums, so at first when I saw "my wife died" I told him I didn't understand why he'd felt the need to add that. When he was unreceptive to it, I simply asked him to put his "first wife" at least, so that there was some differentiation.
> 
> Apparently, we never really got to the core of the issue, which is when he brings her up as his wife when he has a current wife, it says to me he still considers her his wife. I'm just a warm body filling in for sex, housekeeping & being a mom to the kids. Whether he feels that way or not, it's how it makes ME feel, and he's invalidating those feelings by refusing to acknowledge them, talk to me about them, or better yet... get some counseling for his obviously still-present and very strong grief.
> 
> ...


I agree with everything you said. I wasn't saying it was your fault or anything. I don't think it's right the way he handles the subject of his previous wife (based on what has been posted). He needs to figure it out.

All I was trying to illustrate, that these things are never all one sided. Both parties need to look at themselves also.


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## LastsGal (Jul 18, 2009)

GPR said:


> I agree with everything you said. I wasn't saying it was your fault or anything. I don't think it's right the way he handles the subject of his previous wife (based on what has been posted). He needs to figure it out.
> 
> All I was trying to illustrate, that these things are never all one sided. Both parties need to look at themselves also.


Gotcha. :smthumbup: He and I absolutely agree on what my issues and failings are. It's a lack of communication, and therefore agreement, on his issues that are causing the problems. 

I'm a big proponent of "it's not that you're a bad person, it's just that you are making bad choices."


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Sometimes life-altering happenings such as the loss of one's wife tend to define a person if one lets it. I feel that is what is happening here.

I don't see it as so much a fault as he is not fully realising what is happening.
Look around the forum here. There are far worse things going on. I know that it makes you feel uncomfortable, and that's enough for him to want to do something about it. At the same time, you could try to be a little more tolerant of it - giving that I really don't think it's a malicious thing. He's just letting it define him a little. That's all.


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## LastsGal (Jul 18, 2009)

SaxonMan said:


> I don't see it as so much a fault as he is not fully realising what is happening.


Absolutely. My issue is how long am I supposed to keep my patience with the insecurity, the rudeness, the accusations, telling me he married the wrong person one day & that it would kill him to lose me the next? I can't keep going on this roller coaster, but I also will not put these kids through a divorce. So, where does that leave me? Til death do us part? No thank you.

Someday, somehow, he's got to come around. I shouldn't have to bear the brunt because everyone else in his life ignored his crap. It's not my fault I'm the first person to ever expect anything out of him and I don't feel I'd be respecting him if I didn't. Why do I get punished because I expect him to act like the grown up he says he is?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You said he has two modes -- loving and angry. Is there really no in between? Does he have undiagnosed ADD or some other issue? Bipolar?

Anyway, the idea that you can't buy a card for your kids to give to their father is ridiculous. Also, his telling you he is monitoring your net usage and following you here... very controlling.

So the question is, what does he get from telling everyone about losing his 1st wife? Sympathy? How do people respond? Do they think he's some sort of saint? That's the real question to ask yourself. What's the payout for him? And, is there another, less hurtful way he can obtain the same thing?


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## LastsGal (Jul 18, 2009)

dobo said:


> You said he has two modes -- loving and angry. Is there really no in between? Does he have undiagnosed ADD or some other issue? Bipolar?
> 
> Anyway, the idea that you can't buy a card for your kids to give to their father is ridiculous. Also, his telling you he is monitoring your net usage and following you here... very controlling.
> 
> So the question is, what does he get from telling everyone about losing his 1st wife? Sympathy? How do people respond? Do they think he's some sort of saint? That's the real question to ask yourself. What's the payout for him? And, is there another, less hurtful way he can obtain the same thing?


The in between is flat, almost like he's not even here, but I'm dead serious that the ups and downs are only days apart. I've often though bi-polar, because his sister said his mom had that disorder & I know that can run in families. But there's really no way to do anything if he's not willing or able to accept that this roller-coaster isn't a normal way of being.


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## koala49 (Jul 21, 2009)

I remarried after losing my husband and I grieved for him and its now been 11 years since he has been gone and my new marriage is 7 years young. I still think about my deceased husband and think of the fun times we had, I have his beautiful son with me who reminds me every day about my husband because he looks so much like him, BUT life goes on, life is a book with many many chapters. My advice to LAST is that your deceased wife was a chapter in your book with many many wonderful pages, but you are writing a new chapter with your new wife, you have 2 choices here, the book can now blossom into a wonderful new chapter worth reading, or you can make the book end, its really up to you. No one including your wife would ever expect you to forget your deceased wife, but even she would want you to continue on and have a wonderful life and that isnt going to happen unless you start living again


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## LastsGal (Jul 18, 2009)

Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts with me. I feel so cut off a lot of the time. It helps to hear other people's take on things. I really especially appreciate those who've been in his place sharing. I've never been there, and so I can never truly understand.

As an update, there was a latte on my bedside table this morning & he just went to go run his own errands. I'm not sure what that means, but it's new behavior. Maybe he kept up with the thread. We'll see what we see. 

Thanks again!


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