# Not sure how to proceed.



## IBG (Jun 8, 2015)

Hello - 

I'm brand new here, but hopefully some people can help me. I'm a mess. My wife and I have been married for 12 years and for probably the last 5 it's been getting worse and worse. I am constantly under a great deal of work stress and over time got angrier and angrier. I would take it out on her by yelling at her and arguing and she would make things worse by not doing anything at all around the house (she's a stay at home mom) and the sex was basically down to almost nothing. I paid for her to go on a trip to see her friends in a state 1500 miles away and that's where the trouble started. 

She started texting a long time friend of hers around the time I booked the trip. She says she was texting others, but she was texting him from 2 or 3 times a day to 15-20 by the time she was leaving to go to the airport. She started sending him pictures via text, but I only know what one of them was because she texted it to me 5 days later. I can see her text records, but none of the content. She doesn't email him, but that is how I found out. She doesn't know I have access to her email account because she left it setup on my son's iPad. I do know she facebook chats with him somewhat frequently, and though she had deleted facebook from her phone, she has added it back on within the last couple of weeks. She has returned from the trip and I confronted her with it. I am committed to changing myself - I've made some big changes in the past two weeks and have scheduled an appointment with a therapist for a couple of days from now. We've had some really good conversations and if I do what I need to do, we will be OK in the end (at least we both think that now). 

That being said, I just can't get over the build up leading to the trip. I've confronted her about it and each time she says nothing happened. I believe that from a physical standpoint. But today I finally got her to admit that she sent a picture of herself scantily clad to him that she later sent to me. She didn't realize that when you take a picture with your phone, it holds the info. I know she is still facebooking with him, and just today texted him several times, including after our last conversation where she admitted sending the pic (she said I never asked if she sent it to him, but I did and she denied it). She texted him immediately after we got off the phone and has done so nearly every time after we talk. I know that I have to let this go for us to continue, but I'm sure that there is more to this than just sharing relationship issues. As far as I can tell, he has no girlfriend or significant other. I can't ask her to stop texting him; she'll say no and then will hold it against me, at which point we will be finished and I will lose my kids. Making it worse is I travel for work and I'm currently on a four week business trip. I can't stop fixating on this and need help figuring out how to go through with this. The only thing that would really make it stop would be to see the texts and either validate her or prove that she is lying. I built up a huge cheating scenario in my head and even though I think most of it is false, I am finding it hard to trust her.

Any ideas are welcome and sorry for the rambling, but I'm in a bad place and can't bring it up with her again unless I have proof.

Thanks for reading.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

IBG said:


> I know that I have to let this go for us to continue


Um, no you do not have to let it go. You shouldn't let it go if you want to actually save your marriage.



IBG said:


> I can't ask her to stop texting him


Yes, you can!!! And you should!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You should stop being an aggressive bully.

She should stop cheating.

CBT therapy for you both, ASAP.

Oh, yes. You need anger management counselling, too.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Unless you you put your foot down and demand she stop contacting him your marriage is down the toilet. What do you think you can nice her out of this?

Sorry to tell you but unless you do a 180 on her and play hardball with some real time consequences nothing will ever improve.

I suggest you immediately buy a VAR strap it underneath her car seat and install some kind of spyware on her Iphone. Webwatcher or Dr Phone work great.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

You certainly can, and should, tell her to stop texting, etc. with him. That alone won't repair your marriage, however. Your wife isn't feeling emotionally safe and connected to you and you *must* repair that ASAP, or risk losing your marriage.

Do people here recommend Will Harley's stuff? I found his Love Busters articles quite illuminating.

I also recommend you look up a good, succinct article about emotional affairs and share/discuss it with her. She needs to understand her own responses before she can change them.

Good luck.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

There are two issues here

1. your anger, you have emotionally abused your wife and she does not feel safe or loved by you and has turned to someone else for that connection

2. She is involved in an EA which is wrong regardless of what you have done. She must stop this at once.

You need to speak with her openly and honestly and ask for her forgiveness for how you have treated her and how it has contributed to her EA. However, if you are going to move forward, she must cut all contact with this guy at once. You are willing to work on your problems but she has to give you the chance to do so.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

You have all the proof you need.

She refuses to stop her betrayal and she has lied to you.

At this time, she is with him and not you.

I'd take some stronger actions.


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## IBG (Jun 8, 2015)

You have described it perfectly. Before I discovered any of this, while she was on her trip, I caught myself yelling for no reason. I made it a point from there to stop. My kids even noticed and before she got home, mentioned how I hadn't yelled in two days. I have already begun anger management therapy, the appointment was made before she got home. I know that I have been a lousy husband and a mediocre father - priorities were out of whack. Basically, everything you say I should do, I am doing. We've had several good talks and she has even said that she is giving us a second chance because she has already seen major differences. 

And yet she still keeps texting.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

IBG said:


> And yet she still keeps texting.


Because for now she has chosen him and not you.

She needs to make a choice- you or him.


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## May1968 (Dec 16, 2014)

Things need to change to save your marriage. Unfortunately you can only change yourself, she will have to change her actions. Start on yourself and then see if you can get help with your marriage. At least the distance will prevent any PA from occuring in the short term. 

You also need to manage your anger for your childrens sake. The fact that they mentioned the change after only two days of you not yelling indicates their expectations of you. Change for their sake as well.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

You have to tell her that your marriage is crowded...if she is not 100% to this marriage you need to seriously think about moving on. She need to see your serious and will to pull out of the marriage...she is in a fog. Ask her is the table were reverse what would she do?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

You're verbally abusive behavior lowered her romantic interest in you; a precursor to her interest in another man. If your job is causing you to treat folks badly, change jobs. In the nearly 7 decades I've been around, I've never heard a man preparing to meet his maker say, "the one thing I don't regret in life is always putting my job ahead of family and everything else".


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

With every text, she is closer to him and further from you. For the two of you to work successfully on your marriage, she has to stop contact with him completely.

How is it that you know for certain that this isn't a physical affair?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You have every right to ask her to stop and to show you what she has been texting him. She us your wife!

You do not have to tell her to stop - just tell her what you will not tolerate.

However, to make this meaningful and have any chance of working, you have to be ready to follow through on your ultimatum and be prepared to divorce her if she doesn't respect some pretty basic and understandable boundaries.

She, quite simply, cannot have a boyfriend while she is married to you!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Let's checkup...

SAHM, check
Sex gone, check
Texting Nonstop, check
SEXTing, check
Lies about OM, check
OM in wings, check

More than EA, if they have met it went PA.

Wake UP!


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Before any type of R can be successful there must be full participation by both parties. You must inform your wife that her indicating that she wants to work on the marriage is false as long as she entertains/involves this OM. A troubled marriage requires focus and determination that cannot be fully applied while she is involved with the OM. She must be made to understand that one of two possibilities is occurring. Either she is insincere about wanting to work it out with you or she believes herself sincere but does not understand that she is sabatoging her own efforts by continuing to contact OM. You must discover which is the case in order to know how to proceed. If the former is true then you have no choice but to move on since she is through with you. If the latter is true then you must explain to her that her actions betray her words and therefore make her words worthless. If she continues with the OM then that is her answer and the former was actually true all along.

If she is sincere about repairing the M then SHE will initiate a no contact policy going forward and if not then R will be futile. I recommend you continue to take the steps necessary to improve yourself as this will benefit all involved. It may or may not be too late for the marriage but it is not too late for you, your children and your future. Good fortune to you.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

You need to prepare yourself to walk away from this marriage.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

IBG said:


> I can't ask her to stop texting him; she'll say no and then will hold it against me, at which point we will be finished and I will lose my kids.


First, you need to come to grips with the notion that you *CAN NOT* accept their continuing contact. No matter what kind of husband you have been, she's now crossed a line. She's not only having an A, she's flaunting it in your face.

On top of that, she loses even more respect and attraction for you for your failure to stand up to her. 

Now, that's not to say you shouldn't admit your shortcomings and voice your commitment to improving as a husband. You can do that within the same conversation where you also tell her that *FIRST*, she must agree to stop all contact and to let you verify that she has.

If she refuses; implement the 180 and start the divorce process. Keep that process going until she turns around, or your divorce is final.

That IMHO, gives you the best chance to save your marriage.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

badmemory said:


> First, you need to come to grips with the notion that you *CAN NOT* accept their continuing contact. No matter what kind of husband you have been, she's now crossed a line. She's not only having an A, she's flaunting it in your face.
> 
> On top of that, she loses even more respect and attraction for you for your failure to stand up to her.
> 
> ...


This is the post of the thread.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Please pay attention to the post on stopping contact. All the others are good, but you working on you while she keeps contact will NOT work.
Texting him after every convo you two have, gives him the inside opportunity to counter everything you say.

It's time for you to lead your family in the right way, and even the kid see the difference. But for this family to heal, he must be gone, and she must be all in.
I don't know how much you can do while away except, snoop, so don't let on yet that you do. In the mean time you can ask her if she truly wants this family to stay together. If so, there are two things you need from her. Breaking all contact with him, and start taking better care of the house.
And never accept the we are just friends, tell her if she needs someone to talk to, go to a IC or MC, not some guy that wants a piece, but not the kids that comes with her. Tell her you KNOW she f##ked the pos while there, for no GROWN AS woman going to send skimpy pics and not deliver, but you are willing to work pass that, if she really wants the family to stay together.

And OK, we get it, you was a dirtbag, but as GOD made little green apples, you can takes this as God's truth. You can NOT heal your marriage with him in the picture.
So while away, you have some decision to make yourself.
1. You must be willing to lose your marriage to save it.
2. Not to go off half ****ed WHEN she breaks NC, if she agrees. She will break it, be prepared.
3. Be committed to go so far as to filing if that's what it takes.

There is much more, and these guys can guide you thru this, but YOU must get that "she will leave me" junk out of your head now. 
This guy is NOT looking for a ready made family, so telling her to just pack and go to him, but never come back, hopefully will snap her out of it.
Yes you was WAY wrong, but now you can direct that anger to heal instead of hurt.

My Prayers are for your family and sorry you here, but you in the right place to get what you will need to see this thru.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

The thread title is "Not sure how to proceed." One thing for certain is allowing her to text and talk to her boyfriend is "how not to proceed."


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

RWB said:


> Let's checkup...
> SAHM, check
> Sex gone, check
> Texting Nonstop, check
> ...


Your wife is having the time of her life shopping. Which man should she pick? It’s like show “House Hunters.” One house is in the perfect neighborhood while the other has an attached garage. Women love stuff like that. 

I commend you for admitting your faults and working on them. However in your wife’s mind you just admitted that her affair was justified.



IBG said:


> We've had several good talks and she has even said that she is giving us a second chance because she has already seen major differences.


It’s official. You placed yourself on probation and she’s willing to be your parole officer.



IBG said:


> She says she was texting others, but she was texting him from 2 or 3 times a day to 15-20 by the time she was leaving to go to the airport. She started sending him pictures via text.


She was telling the OM what a terrible husband you were before the affair in order to justify it to him. She wanted it on the record that she’s not a bad girl. The pictures were to show him what a treat he had in store. Anticipation is half the fun.



IBG said:


> And yet she still keeps texting.


Now she’s giving him constant updates about how you admitted that you were a terrible husband and your progress. They are probably discussing if she should give you another chance. 

This also serves to keep the OM involved in case you don’t work out. 

Shopping and gossip. Two men that want her. Your wife is having the time of her life. No wonder she can’t put the phone down.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Morcoll said:


> You need to prepare yourself to walk away from this marriage.


Actually, by being abusive to his wife throughout the entirety of their marriage and to their children throughout the entirety of their lives, I think OP, in effect, walked away from this marriage a long, long time ago. :scratchhead:

He cheated his wife and children out of a normal family life.

This doesn't condone any EA or PA she might have, but the corollary of that is that her EA or PA doesn't condone OP's bad behaviour, either.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IBG said:


> I am constantly under a great deal of work stress and over time got angrier and angrier. I would take it out on her by yelling at her and arguing and she would make things worse by not doing anything at all around the house (she's a stay at home mom) and the sex was basically down to almost nothing.
> 
> I am committed to changing myself - I've made some big changes in the past two weeks and have scheduled an appointment with a therapist for a couple of days from now.
> 
> She texted him immediately after we got off the phone and has done so nearly every time after we talk. I know that I have to let this go for us to continue


Two things. First, I just have to say it. NOW you're committed to changing yourself. Now that you're scared she'll want someone else. Keep that in mind as you go through this. And keep in mind what HER life was like.

That said, you confronted her, you're 'working on the marriage,' and she is STILL communicating with him? Then you're doing this wrong. You either say 'him or me' or she'll continue to eat cake.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

turnera said:


> Two things. First, I just have to say it. NOW you're committed to changing yourself. Now that you're scared she'll want someone else. Keep that in mind as you go through this. And keep in mind what HER life was like.
> 
> That said, you confronted her, you're 'working on the marriage,' and she is STILL communicating with her? Then you're doing this wrong. You either say 'him or me' or she'll continue to eat cake.


Of course, she may be deluded into thinking it isn't an affair.

And let's face it, after years of abuse from the one person who she should have been able to count on, *of course* she responded to someone who reached out to her! 

She does need someone to confide it. Counsellor, good female friend rather than a potential lover, however.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am not so sure about years of abuse - it sounds like you were under pressure at work and she was a SAHM who did nothing to help you.

None of this justifies her sending scantily clad pictures of herself to this [email protected] (who, by the way, since you have already confronted her, you need to confront and tell him in no uncertain terms to back off and get lost).

Do you think that she has taken this underground now ? What are you doing about it. 

Keep shtum while you go into full investigation mode and find out what she is saying to him, telling him etc. Do not confront if you do find something - come back here for advice with what you have found first.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You are away for 4 weeks, so monitoring is hush hush now. So let the texting help you work on you.
Don't make any demands. She's not there to see how much you are changing. 
Let your conversations be about things that won't tip your hand.

When you're home is when you go into shutting down the A.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

OldWolf57 said:


> You are away for 4 weeks, so monitoring is hush hush now. So let the texting help you work on you.
> Don't make any demands. She's not there to see how much you are changing.
> Let your conversations be about things that won't tip your hand.
> 
> When you're home is when you go into shutting down the A.


This is a physical affair, with 99% probability. Two adults who have been sexting and are in the same place physically aren't going to stop with holding hands.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

No, the guy lives where she visited her friends 1500 miles away. She's back in the marital home now but IB is away for work.
At least that's my reading of it.


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