# Going Over the Bills!



## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

Me and my wife have a joined credit card. We have an agreement that she will pay what she spends and I will pay what I spend in addiction to anything we share. For example I pay for movies, gas, car payments and groceries. 

All she needs to pay would be like her shopping, her expenses of going out with friends. 

At the end of the month I email her a "bill" of all the item's she should help me pay. My issue is she never wants to talk about money. 

She recently started shopping in whole foods and buying only organic food. My issue she can never sit down with me and go over the expenses. Anytime I want to mention that we don't have enough money to eat organic and go to Italy for vacation, she get's all hostile and shut's down. Even coming to the point she is not able to pay her own bills since she doesn't want to go under a certain amount on her checking account.

I really don't know what to do if she doesn't want to understand the reality of money. Any ideas?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Open a new credit card in your name only, transfer the current balance to that card. Then close the one in her name.

You do the grocery shopping.

Now she can finance her own activities and any organic food she wants out of her own account.


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Open a new credit card in your name only, transfer the current balance to that card. Then close the one in her name.
> 
> You do the grocery shopping.
> 
> Now she can finance her own activities and any organic food she wants out of her own account.


haha! 
Well I did that. She is using her credit card expecting me to pay for things.


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> How about providing us with some more background.
> 
> How long married?
> Ages?
> ...


Valid Questions:
Married 3.5 years
We are in our early 20's
401K @ 3.5% of my paycheck 
We lease a car
Rent
No savings

We don't have any credit card debt, but we have student loans. Total of 23K (between both of us) she is finishing up college now.

Our 5 year plan is for her to work part time (she does not) while going to grad school. After she is done work for a year or two buy a house and have a kid (no kids yet).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nicbrownn80 said:


> haha!
> Well I did that. She is using her credit card expecting me to pay for things.


So don't pay for them.

You could go see an attorney to find out what you can do. 

There are things that you can do to limit your financial responsibility for her debt.

In my book financial irresponsibility is a valid reason for divorce. Until you put down a hard boundary she is going to continue this game.

If you continue this marriage, just plan to be completely ruined finacially. It's your choice whether or not you protect yourself. If you stay with her, then you have no room to complain. Just suck it up and pay her bills as she will spend more and more money. The next thing coming is her yelling and screaming at you to work more hours because she needs more money.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Personally, I think if you do not have a job....then you don't need a checking account or a credit card. Period.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Open a new credit card in your name only, transfer the current balance to that card. Then close the one in her name.
> 
> You do the grocery shopping.
> 
> Now she can finance her own activities and any organic food she wants out of her own account.


I think this is a good start, as a warning signal - seems like you need to force acknowledgement of the issue. You should also put a hold on your own credit. The problem is that (at least in certain jurisdictions) she can open her own credit card and you are still jointly liable for those charges.

Ultimately, you need to initiate a dialogue. You two have an agreement to split expenses and she is violating the agreement then sticking you with the bill. You are entitled to know why.

You need to understand your options (maybe even see an attorney), set some boundaries, and have a plan of action if those boundaries are crossed. Yes she might be refusing to take responsibility for her actions. But, she might feel entitled to her spending and feel no remorse over it; in such a situation your action would risk resentment or retaliation from her.

I had this problem with my ex and learned what does and does not work. I would not just discuss endlessly; her refusing to discuss while _continuing to spend and keeping a cash cushion for herself_ is a strong sign she's acting in bad faith. I would cancel the joint credit card and get separate bank accounts if needed. If that failed, I would even get a legal separation - that's the only way you can protect yourself from her bad habits.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> So don't pay for them.
> 
> You could go see an attorney to find out what you can do.
> 
> ...


Absolutely 100% correct. I cannot count how many times I heard about a marriage (besides my own) where one spends whatever they want and forces the spouse to cover.

Has your wife ever complained that she needs more money (as noted above)? More subtly, has she ever said you are not successful enough at work or that her effort is undervalued?


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

So, 

I think you guys have a lot of good help for us in general.

I will make her talk sit down and discuss the budget (again). I think the issue is I want her to go to grad school, if she worked we will not be having this issue. I think after grad school she should make 65K+ while if she just goes to work with her undergrad she will only make 30K if she is lucky.

I don't think she feels I am not successful, it's just what I make we can't have everything....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nicbrownn80 said:


> So,
> 
> I think you guys have a lot of good help for us in general.
> 
> ...


You say that you want her to go to grad school. She needs to understand the value of her going to grad school and living with your joint budget while she does that.

Does she get student loans? If not I would highly suggest that she get student loans for grad school.

For one thing it's HER debt. If things go down hill in your marriage she would have to pay that debt off... it's not community debt. 

I made the stupid mistake of helping my exH1 through medical school. He finished his medical degree with no debt because I covered everything. Then he decided that as a doctor he was too good to be married to me and split.

At least if I had insisted on him getting loans for med school I would have had a good hunk of cash in the bank when we divorced. Instead he got a free degree and I was left with near nothing.

Do you have a graduate degree? If you don't she is very likely to leave you after she has her master's anyway. Apparently some 98% of people who get graduate degrees divorce their spouse who helped them get the degree once they graduate. After getting the master's they view their spouse as not good enough for them.

Some things to contemplate. Let her fund her own education.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Sometimes the women do the budgeting and become quite assertive, and the man is in the position of asking if he can spend money on something. Here, the situation is somewhat reversed. She is probably less organized and disciplined than you. I think your basic approach is fine but do it with tact and respect. 

Do the compliment sandwich (before and after) and be gentle. Ask, rather than tell. My wife spent somewhat more than I thought but we dealt with it. 




Nicbrownn80 said:


> Me and my wife have a joined credit card. We have an agreement that she will pay what she spends and I will pay what I spend in addiction to anything we share. For example I pay for movies, gas, car payments and groceries.
> 
> All she needs to pay would be like her shopping, her expenses of going out with friends.
> 
> ...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> She needs to understand the value of her going to grad school and living with your joint budget while she does that.


And she needs to understand the value after grad school also. You don't want to be in a situation where you are covering the bills and subsidizing her now, then have her enjoy the good life after she gets that after grad-school job.

Another thing to consider is whether the grad school is worth it. She's working part-time while going to grad school. Does she intend to put that degree to use before kids come into the picture, or is she going to be a well-schooled SAHM? That would be another good reason for her to foot the bill for grad school.


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