# Marriage in dire straits



## Simba (May 5, 2011)

Hi All,
I was hoping to get some advice / guidance on my relationship.
I'm a 29 & my partner is 27. We entered into arrange marriage in Feb 2010. I live o/seas and my partner is from India.

My parents introduced me to my now wife in mid December 2008 and on our second meeting we got engaged which was 2 days later. After the engagement I went back o/seas while she was in India. We had courtship period of about 14 months before I got married in Feb 2010. During this courtship period we had our arguments & there were times when I thought of calling it off but kept persisting in hope that things might change and of course parental pressure not to call it off from both sides. Because my wife and I come from two completely different backgrounds, we are poles apart in our thought process and mental level. She being from a small town / village and I was brought up in Dubai, we have a completely different outlook. 

When we met first, our 15 minute conversation included things like educational qualifications, likes n dislikes, what we want from our partners etc. In which I told her that I want someone who can come and live with me in Australia, Love & respect me and my elders, someone who can work and easily integrate there. Of all the things she must have good communication skills. She told me back then that she could cope quite easily and with a bit of help settle in easily. Seeing her confidence I liked it and said 'yes' to my parent and so did she.

During our courtship period there were a couple of instances when we got into heated arguments and she said a few things that were hurtful. Our first argument that we had was when she told me that I drink a lot of alcohol. I'm not an alcoholic and drink maybe once or twice every couple of months. It was during that period that I had a lot of beers etc celebrating B'Days and other occasions that might have given her that idea. I told her that it was not something that I did often and it took a while for her to sink it in. (When we had first met I did tell her that I used to drink beers but occasionally not every day).

Over the next few months I encouraged her to join institutes that help in improving English conversation skills which she did. She did those classes for over 8-10 months. While she was doing her course we used to chat, exchange emails etc. I told her on a number of occasions that when I speak with you in English, try and reply back so that you can practice in addition to the classes that you go to. She wasn't too keen on it. Every time I told her to speak in English, our long conversations would turn into "yes", "no" & "maybe". I kept trying to encourage her to speak and improve on her language skill until one day our discussions took a completely different direction. We had a heated argument and she told me "If you wanted someone with your requirements, why don't you go and find one". I was shocked and embarrassed and told her how hurtful that was and told her that I'll find someone and am calling this wedding off. She then got all too apologetic and even her mom got involved and told me not to do anything rash and even my parents were trying to save the situation. 

I told both the families about what all issues we were having and upon their re-assurance and pressure from my family I agreed to go ahead with marriage provided I see some improvement. I also asked her if she was happy with me. During this long distance relationship all the problems that we had, I asked her if she was sure she wanted to go ahead. She said 'yes'. My parents asked her if she was happy with the way I was behaving and treating her, and she said 'yes'. Dates were set and I flew to India and got married. After our marriage in Feb '10, I stayed for 2 weeks and had to go back to Australia because of work. 

I had filed for her visa and it took about 8 months to get it. She got her visa in Dec '10. During this time we kept chatting and exchanged gifts on B’Days and other occasions etc. Things were going smoothly and during this period as well I got her to join conversation classes so that she could improve. I use to get frustrated with her still not showing signs of improvement & my sister seeing my frustration took it upon her and started helping her as well. She use to spend 6-8 hours everyday on the internet with her, giving her exercises to do etc. as she knew that how important it is to know the language. I told my wife that I won’t be comfortable with her going to language institutes in Australia to learn, as all of my friends are quite well educated and I want her to be the same and stand side by side with me in every aspect. She was fine with it.

Anyways, after she got her Visa she flew down to Australia. When she came here after the first few weeks she told me that she will struggle unless I allowed her to join some coaching which I agreed to ignoring the possibility of her bumping into my friends when she goes in to the city to do her coaching & the embarrassment that I would then face. 

Anyways she stated her training. Every now and then when we use to talk about random stuff & our discussions would take a weird turn. There were times when she said that she wasn’t totally happy with our marriage and that she was forced into it by her parents. I told her that I did ask you before as well but you told me that you were. She told me to forget whatever happened in the past and let’s move on, which I agreed to. Then we started having discussions about moving / relocating to Canada & she said that she doesn’t want to. I told her that I have got family there, & would like to be close to them & she said no. She said that she has got family in Australia whom she wants to be close to (she has got her sister in Australia).
I just jokingly said that then if I was living in Canada, would she have married me, & in all seriousness she said ‘No’. I was shocked but ignored it. 

When we used to catch up with my friends, she used to complaint to them that I don’t take her out as much as she would have like to. I told her that she came to Australia on a permanent visa not a tourist visa hence we will got out etc but in due time. She didn’t stop complaining about it in front of my friends though which I found very embarrassing. Also up until now I have heard on more than one occasion, she talking to her friends and sister and bad mouthing me. I finally cracked it when I read her chat that she left open on her computer telling her friend, that she has known for 3 months, about how I had asked for dowry and how troubled she felt when she was in India and pressured to comply with all of my family’s demands. How her father was pressured into paying dowry & how much she and her sister wept because of it. Facts are: Neither I nor my family ever asked for a single cent or were given any thing. I called my dad asking him if he had asked for anything and he yelled at me saying “this is what you think of me”. I confronted her with what she wrote and she didn’t have an answer for me. All she kept saying was sorry & it won’t happen again. I was so annoyed at her that she was telling lies about me and my family to complete strangers which made me think what else she might have told to others. I spoke with her mom about it, if there was anything that they had given to me or my parents that I wasn’t aware of & she said no. I asked her why my wife said such things then. Since then this whole thing has escalated and I’m annoyed and cannot forgive her for what she said.

All issues have been compounding. (1.) Her telling me that “I should found someone of my own level” 
(2.) Conversation skills which are annoying me (3.) She saying that she was forced into marrying me 
(4.) She married me because I live in Australia & had I been in Canada she wouldn’t have (5.) Complaining to my friends that I don’t take her out much (6.) Spreading lies that we asked for dowry. – After this last incident we haven’t spoken to each other. We live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, but don’t talk anymore.

After all this I have told her that I’m not interested in continuing this relationship because of the above. She is all apologetic (she was before as well on every single occasion) and she is saying that it won’t happen again. I don’t believe her anymore. I want to exit this relationship however I do feel for her parents and the embarrassment that they might have to go through & mine as well. The way I’m looking at it is, I have given her enough chances and have accepted her apology on many occasions but now I can’t any more. Rather than living the next 40-50 years of our lives with this bitter experience in our hearts, break-up and move on. Since I’m too close in this situation I cannot see or think clearly. I need your opinions. 
I have spoken to my parents and with my best friend and have told him all the events. My BF was saying if I wasn’t 100 percent, why did I marry her & I replied parental pressure. I’ve told my parents that I had listened to them before & this is what it turned out to be so I’m not going to be forced or pressured into anything now. Whatever I decide, you can either support me and if you don’t I wont back out of my decision. I haven’t made up my mind and don’t know what to do. I could be over-reacting, maybe not.

Please help.


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I think what you have said she did is forgivable. Forgiveness isn't easy. 

The other stuff is also fixable. If you want you could talk to a marriage counselor or pick up some books on the subject. Otherwise, sit down and write out what it is both of you are thinking and then move on from this and check back and update the list.

If you can't forgive stuff like this, marriage probably isn't for you. 

Best of luck.


----------

