# Accept or move on?



## mndln (Oct 4, 2016)

I want to seperate- but he seems to think it's unmerited. I do not know how to link any previous posts to this but I posted about how we were financially struggling/ his past "inappropriate incidents" and so on.
Here's our story (shortened version) 

We met in our early 20's- dated for a short period of time then I became pregnant at 24. During my 1st pregnancy I found out he was having an EA with his ex. Being hormonal and seeking that happily ever after- I let it go (water under the bridge) I confronted him - he changed all was great.
3 years later I became pregnant with our 2nd child-(I wanted to have more children and honestly he didn't say one way or the other) when I was 8 months along- I found out he was having a PA (even called her and confirmed) I moved in with my parents for awhile- This was around Christmas-he begged me to give it another try and promised to change, etc- I did.
I sold my house and we moved into a rental- I found out (on my birthday) of more inappropriate messages being sent (asking co-workers for photos, etc) So, while he was at work I moved out- back with my parents and vowed I would never give him another chance.
We were seperated for 3 years. During which- I bought house and my children and I moved in.
During the 3 years - he was persistent in 'winning me back' and I gave him another shot- I was still seeking that Happily Ever After- moment and I wanted my children to have a loving 2 parent home. 
Shortly after we got back together I became pregnant with #3 (accidental, since I was not planning on ANY more children at 32 yrs old)
He lost his job about 2 years ago and we decided that he would go back to school. 
During this time I was not feeling it in the bedroom and things started going south (he was not happy when I rejected his advances)- I suggested it may be the hormones in BC and attempted to talk him into a vasectomy- He WAS NOT on board with that. So in an effort to try to fix myself and our bedroom issue- I got the procedure done.
Around the same time as my procedure (about 9 months ago) I discovered more 'inappropriate' messages. That along with him not helping financially (at all, nothing) and our arguments over sex- I shut down and started pulling away.
He says he did the same earlier this year - That's when he rarely stayed at the house and began going out and sleeping on the couch. 


We have had the same arguments for years:
1) He has a high drive- I do NOT- and this builds resentment on both sides He claims it makes him open for EA and the such.
2) He is not financially responsible to the point I can not count on him to help with bills, etc. I actually have no idea where his money goes.. and he seems fine with the ways things are going.
3) I am close with my family - He is not- and claims that his childhood brings a lot of problems to our relationship (I call Bull ****e)

Anywho- after I put my foot down, he has been extremely helpful (for 5 days)- that is until he didn't hear me say "YES- I want us to work"- then he stayed out all night and did absolutely nothing for the next few days. 

After talking - yet again, he stated that he was willing to meet my demands which are as follows:
1) Contribute and support your family- that is financially and around the household.
2) It is not acceptable to go out multiple times a week to "hang-out" with friends- That I need time with him
3) Spend time and actually interact with children (not in the same room on your phone the entire time)
4) NO inappropriate communications with others
*I believe the bar is set pretty low here- am I right? 

BUT- he is only willing to meet my demands if I agree to provide more affection. Sex at least once a week, acknowledging him when he comes home (stop what I am doing and give him a kiss, etc.) <--- These were his suggestions

So what do I do? I love him- always have. Do I just accept the fact that I must be available to him and be affectionate - even when I'm not really feeling it? Or do I say NO- That I need my requirements met beforehand.. 
I have read the 5 love languages and other "save your marriage" books- My language is obviously time and his his, well- physical touch BUT I don't know if I will be able to meet his needs- that's something I can not promise. 
Maybe, If i were a little less stressed- I would want to be affectionate- Or maybe I'm just a cold ice queen with no desire.. 

I WANT to be freakin happy, but can I in this relationship? It appears we have a love/ hate thing going on.. 
But then again- Will I be happy without him? Am I just being too codependent?
When it's good- it's really good- but it seems not to last. Can he REALLY Change for good- or will it be another time bomb, just waiting. I can forgive BUT not forget. 

I know this all may sound childish and strange but I needed to get off my chest


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So what if he thinks it's unmerited. You know that divorce is the right decision in your situation. You do not need his agreement and/or permission to file for divorce.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Nothing is going to change.
He has had no lasting consequences, he knows no matter what he does, you will take him back eventually.


----------



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

WOW you are really patient and accepting of him!! I wouldn't be able to just accept it.. Is he going back to school? Is he working part-time at least? I know people can change if they want to BUT how many times will it take before he gets it right? I don't know I think I would be tired of his actions and just want to move on. You can financially take care of yourself and the kids-- you have family to help out if needed. And your young! That would be enough for me to move on.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

mndln said:


> I want to seperate- but he seems to think it's unmerited.
> when I was 8 months along- I found out he was having a PA (even called her and confirmed)


The PA alone would make most people think a separation is merited. Whether or not that crosses the threshold for you is up to you, but he must understand that that crosses the line for most people and understandably so. If he can't/won't see that, it does not bode well for any kind of reconciliation. The fact that he did it when he did seems to indicate he felt justified inasmuch as you were mostl likely largely sexually unavailable at the time and, well, he has needs! This kind of selfish outlook is also problematic. 



mndln said:


> I suggested it may be the hormones in BC and attempted to talk him into a vasectomy- He WAS NOT on board with that. So in an effort to try to fix myself and our bedroom issue- I got the procedure done.


There's more of that selfish behavior again. 



mndln said:


> Around the same time as my procedure (about 9 months ago) I discovered more 'inappropriate' messages.


So you have noticed a recurring pattern despite promises to change. 





mndln said:


> 1) He has a high drive- I do NOT- and this builds resentment on both sides He claims it makes him open for EA and the such.


And what woman, even if possessed of a high natural drive, would want to be intimate with a financially irresponsible, narcissistic, serial cheater?




mndln said:


> After talking - yet again, he stated that he was willing to meet my demands which are as follows:
> 1) Contribute and support your family- that is financially and around the household.
> 2) It is not acceptable to go out multiple times a week to "hang-out" with friends- That I need time with him
> 3) Spend time and actually interact with children (not in the same room on your phone the entire time)
> ...


Pretty low indeed. That said, don't hold your breath. If five days is his record for good behavior, the outlook seems rather bleak.




mndln said:


> BUT- he is only willing to meet my demands if I agree to provide more affection. Sex at least once a week, acknowledging him when he comes home (stop what I am doing and give him a kiss, etc.) <--- These were his suggestions


Yet another demonstration of narcissistic behavior. Who is to give in first? He thinks it must be you. But you have already met far more than halfway by providing all the financial support, forgiving extramarital behavior, spending time with the kids, etc. I would say at this point the only one who has to prove commitment and make extra effort, is him. 



mndln said:


> I have read the 5 love languages and other "save your marriage" books- My language is obviously time and his his, well- physical touch


Be careful jumping to conclusions. Just because he wants sex doesn't mean his love language is touch. Many men want sex all the time, but have no appreciation for non-sexual touching. Does he appreciate other touch even if he knows it isn't a prelude to sex? 




mndln said:


> I would want to be affectionate- Or maybe I'm just a cold ice queen with no desire..


Hard to say under the current circumstances, but I doubt you're an ice queen. As previously noted, he's done just about everything a man can do to turn off what might otherwise be a willing or even enthusiastic partner. 



mndln said:


> I can forgive BUT not forget.


Nor should you forget. That would only set you up for more abuse. Forgiveness is optional, forgetting is foolish.

I know none of this is prescriptive, but maybe it will help you think through your situation. Maybe "getting it off your chest" already has. In any case, heres wishing you the strength and ability to make the best possible decision, and the peace to live with it.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You've accepted way too much as it is. You need to move on. If you don't, this will be your life for many decades to come. Not very appealing, is it?


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Time to save your sanity and cut off this cheating freeloader.

You should hire a good lawyer and file for divorce. He will never change (and neither will you) if you stay together.


----------

