# Need help with coping skills



## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

I have been all over the web this morning trying to find articles regarding developing coping skills.

My W and I are trying to R. However, she has almost no coping skills when situational stressors arise.

Her almost immediate reaction to anything is to 'run away' from the problem. 

A perfect example is when she left me in September. She made it absolutely clear that she wanted me out of her life. At the beginning I of course begged and pleaded for her to work things out with me.

3 Weeks ago she found out I was seeing someone and immediately wanted me back. Now she is having problems being 'jealous' because I had 'moved on' so quickly.

Now that I am setting boundaries I told her that she made it clear she wanted me to 'move on', so I did. She has no right to be jealous. She shoved me out of her life.

This morning she told me she didn't think she could handle it and want to stop the R. Then 2 hours later called me and told me she loved me and she knows she has not right to be jealous.

This is our problem. Emotionally, she jumps off the cliff every time something emotional happens... ( No coping skills). 

Then once she has time to gather her thoughts she becomes rational again.

I need resources to stear her towards to develop skills, other than running from every stressor that comes her way.

She is currently trying to find IC/MC that she can fit around her work schedule.

Anything I have seen on the web are sites that want to charge money for the articles. I don't want to pay because the article could be a bunch of hog wash...

Can anyone help me find something?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Ostera said:


> My W and I are trying to R. However, she has almost no coping skills when situational stressors arise.
> 
> Her almost immediate reaction to anything is to 'run away' from the problem.
> 
> ...


My advice would be to consider that you might be her #1 source of stress. Stop trying to fix everything. She is clearly more emotional than you are, and your attempts to switch the playing field to a purely logic-based arena will make things very difficult for her.

In other words, if she runs away, don't chase her.

Let her come back when she's ready.

If I am even remotely on track, the thought of you "fixing" this to where she could never run away from your constant fixing efforts probably scares her to death.

I'm not trying to excuse her behavior or blame you. Just pointing out that this might not be a problem with her, but rather a problem with the dynamic within the two of you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

She needs individual therapy with a PhD specialist in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.CBT seems the best choice because the behavior you describe as a coping skill is learned behavior based on predisposition. She has to unlearn this behavior by recognizing it afterwards, then during, and eventually before. She has to find the triggers and work on those. Lastly, she needs to identify how this behavior was learned to ensure she doesn't put herself in more situations where this kind of behavior is warranted or accepted as the norm. 

It also sounds like there might be some sort of personality disorder. Bi-polar or Borderline Personality Disorder.... Not a clinician so not for me to say. I mention this because self help is only good when professional help has already established. Self directed help is rarely applied correctly. And dude I gotta tell you, if it is borderline, RUN! She will take you to crazy town and you may never get back.

Seek professional help ASAP, do not let schedule conflicts interfere with mental health, "if ya ain't got yer mind, ya ain't got nothin!"


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> She needs individual therapy with a PhD specialist in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.CBT seems the best choice because the behavior you describe as a coping skill is learned behavior based on predisposition. She has to unlearn this behavior by recognizing it afterwards, then during, and eventually before. She has to find the triggers and work on those. Lastly, she needs to identify how this behavior was learned to ensure she doesn't put herself in more situations where this kind of behavior is warranted or accepted as the norm.
> 
> It also sounds like there might be some sort of personality disorder. Bi-polar or Borderline Personality Disorder.... Not a clinician so not for me to say. I mention this because self help is only good when professional help has already established. Self directed help is rarely applied correctly. And dude I gotta tell you, if it is borderline, RUN! She will take you to crazy town and you may never get back.
> 
> Seek professional help ASAP, do not let schedule conflicts interfere with mental health, "if ya ain't got yer mind, ya ain't got nothin!"


I think you are pretty close with the BPD traits... Her behavior is very much learned from childhood. There were many dramtic events such as her fathers constant infidelity and her mother contanstantly putting her down.

Her mother puts her down to this day. My wife is 52 and she doesn't deal well with stress and she dwells on the most insignificant things.

She will actually re-write an event to make it bigger than it is so that somehow she can justify her actions/reactions.

When I put it in perspective she gets irritated I believe because I won't 'grow' the issue with her.

Thanks for the advice on Cognative Behavior Therapy.

She knows she needs help... I was just trying to find something for her to read to understand how destructive her reactions to things are.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Acorn said:


> My advice would be to consider that you might be her #1 source of stress. Stop trying to fix everything. She is clearly more emotional than you are, and your attempts to switch the playing field to a purely logic-based arena will make things very difficult for her.
> 
> In other words, if she runs away, don't chase her.
> 
> ...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Ostera said:


> She has no right to be jealous. She shoved me out of her life.
> 
> This morning she told me she didn't think she could handle it and want to stop the R. Then 2 hours later called me and told me she loved me and she knows she has not right to be jealous.
> 
> ...


First, even though you weren't together, she absolutely DOES have a right to feel jealous! She has a right to whatever feelings happen to wash over her. Your response is contributing to what you're seeing. If you'd said, "Yes, I can understand that you'd feel jealous and see this OW as a threat," it would have helped her talk about the things she needs to and validated her perceptions that she's an okay person. Instead, your response had a different response. It told her that she is supposed to discount her feelings and ignore herself. No wonder she feels conflicted! 

This doesn't mean you were wrong to see someone else. It doesn't mean you are responsible for how she feels. But you are in a position that your response IS going to influence her, and in this example, your response made it harder for her to cope. 

I have a number of articles that can help her while she is searching for a therapist. The ones I'll highlight right away are: 

Top 3 Mistakes Women Make in Relationships

Is His Stubborn Pride Hurting Your Relationship?

Those two are for her, but I would encourage you to read up on how to validate her. I'll try to find time to write up an article this week on this topic.

I'm also picking up on possible BPD traits, but I don't see enough to speculate that she has BPD. I do have one article on BPD available, too. http://jellygator.hubpages.com/hub/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-and-Relationships


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> First, even though you weren't together, she absolutely DOES have a right to feel jealous! She has a right to whatever feelings happen to wash over her. Your response is contributing to what you're seeing. If you'd said, "Yes, I can understand that you'd feel jealous and see this OW as a threat," it would have helped her talk about the things she needs to and validated her perceptions that she's an okay person. Instead, your response had a different response. It told her that she is supposed to discount her feelings and ignore herself. No wonder she feels conflicted!
> 
> This doesn't mean you were wrong to see someone else. It doesn't mean you are responsible for how she feels. But you are in a position that your response IS going to influence her, and in this example, your response made it harder for her to cope.
> 
> ...



I am conflicted with your response regarding her right to feel jealous. But I do understand where you are coming from. 

I am aware that approach dictates response. However, at the same time she made it clear for 3 months to move on, that she wanted to start dating, that there will never be 'us' again, etc.

So when she finds out I DID move on, she gets jealous? If that is the case, then she was just being cruel and attempting to hurt me more through those communications where I was 'insignificant' in her life. And that I needed to move on in my life.

To me, it feels like a double standard.. she stated she wanted to start dating again. She did go on dates with 2 different guys.

She told me she was jealous because I could find someone else and she couldn't.

I appreciate you responding and I appreciate your perspective. However, in my mind it's like she expected me to drift through the rest of my life alone while she finds someone else.

Both of her x's have never been with anyone since her... I think she thought she could do that to me... NOT!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It is a double standard. You didn't do anything wrong when you dated someone else and started moving your life in a different direction.

She's also not "wrong" for having dysfunctional feelings. Many people find themselves in your shoes (and hers) after a breakup. Yes, she is being manipulative, but not because she wants to harm you. She's trying to get her needs met, whether she's doing it in a healthy way or a hurtful one. 

But as long as you two ARE trying to reconcile and you're searching for answers, it's going to be important for you to learn how to let her have her feelings without making her feel shamed for having them AND without trying to fix things. It has to be up to her to cope with them. By being a good listener, asking questions, and not making her wrong for things that are very real to her, you can help your situation.

Remember this when you're interacting with her: The LISTENER sets the tone of the conversation, not the speaker.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I wonder if all her insisting you go date others, and her wanting to distance herself were more hystrionics than real true feelings. If she's a drama queen it would seem she was only doing what she's always done. Drama queens/kings get a fix from the response they get from others. You did a 180 on her and it stunned her.

This reminds me of my 2nd ex husband. To this day he's angry (from what mutual friends tell me) that I was able to 'move on' so quickly after we split. HE chose to leave. I chose not to grovel anymore. I did the whole crying and begging thing the first time he pulled the I want a divorce! speech on me. He came back but only for about 2 months, and it was back to the status quo. I made the decision when he came back the first time I would not lower myself to keep him if it came to that again.

I moved on, and met someone new within a few months, and remarried (10 years now). The ex is still playing these games with other women and they're falling for it. He likes the reaction he gets. Makes him feel important. I wouldn't do that for him. Oh well.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> It is a double standard. You didn't do anything wrong when you dated someone else and started moving your life in a different direction.
> 
> She's also not "wrong" for having dysfunctional feelings. Many people find themselves in your shoes (and hers) after a breakup. Yes, she is being manipulative, but not because she wants to harm you. She's trying to get her needs met, whether she's doing it in a healthy way or a hurtful one.
> 
> ...


This^. Thank you for reinforcing this. When we went to counseling before there were issues brought up about my wife constantly going to one of her x's houses all the time.

In one of my 1 on 1 sessions the counselor told me that my W doesn't love him but he is a good listener and I have more of a tendency to 'lecture'. I have always tried to 'fix' things any any relationship I have been in (CD issues). 

I am trying hard to learn get better at listening and not trying to fix..

Thanks for reinforcing that concept.. i'm not a spring chicken so old habits die hard... It just irritates me that somehow she is trying to make me feel guilty for something she told me to do.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I wonder if all her insisting you go date others, and her wanting to distance herself were more hystrionics than real true feelings. If she's a drama queen it would seem she was only doing what she's always done. Drama queens/kings get a fix from the response they get from others. You did a 180 on her and it stunned her.
> 
> This reminds me of my 2nd ex husband. To this day he's angry (from what mutual friends tell me) that I was able to 'move on' so quickly after we split. HE chose to leave. I chose not to grovel anymore. I did the whole crying and begging thing the first time he pulled the I want a divorce! speech on me. He came back but only for about 2 months, and it was back to the status quo. I made the decision when he came back the first time I would not lower myself to keep him if it came to that again.
> 
> I moved on, and met someone new within a few months, and remarried (10 years now). The ex is still playing these games with other women and they're falling for it. He likes the reaction he gets. Makes him feel important. I wouldn't do that for him. Oh well.


She's a classic drama queen.. she even admits it.. it's almost like a security mechanism for her.

When we talk about her resolving her issues all the way back to her childhood she says she doesn't know if she can. I tell her it's almost like using them as a crutch so she doesn't have to deal with any real life issues.

She embraces her dysfunction for some reason instead of trying to free herself from them so she can have a more fulfilling life.

It confuses me why someone wants to be like that.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Ostera said:


> She's a classic drama queen.. she even admits it.. it's almost like a security mechanism for her.
> 
> When we talk about her resolving her issues all the way back to her childhood she says she doesn't know if she can. I tell her it's almost like using them as a crutch so she doesn't have to deal with any real life issues.
> 
> ...


I totally understand how you feel, and I too don't get why a person WANTS that. Seems like too much energy, and for what end? Temporary satisfaction. 

My ex would throw natural fits whenever a holiday would approach in which we would be required to spend time with extended family. Maybe he felt awkward (his family didn't get together for stuff) but instead of talking to me about it or us working on his issue together, he would threaten to leave or engage in these disappearing acts on me. It was all so I would KNOW he disapproved and wanted things his way. I wised up near the end of the relationship and didn't give into his behavior. He never recovered from my asserting myself and basically saying I wasn't going to stand to be manipulated anymore.

To hear he's STILL doing this with other women is sad. I would think he'd be tired of himself.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You're welcome!  

The more you've written, the more consistent with BPD it sounds. If so, that validation is THE key to dealing with her, and it still won't resolve the problems if she doesn't get into some intensive counseling. If she has BPD, cognitive-based therapy would be less effective than a dialectical approach. You can find info and resources about this from my page on the topic (linked earlier). 

As a "fixer" type of guy, you'll have to come to see "not fixing" as a valid method of fixing, if that makes sense. I've never been diagnosed with BPD, but I have a number of traits. One thing that helped me maintain control was that my ex had a philosophy that he could get to the heart of the matter if he could get to the "why" five levels deep. Fortunately for both of us, he didn't tell me what he was doing until LONG after he'd been doing it because I'd have responded badly if I'd known! But he would ask question after question and let me talk myself out. VERY often, something that started out as "I'm mad that you did such-and-such" concluded as "I guess I don't really have a reason to feel worried" without a single word of argument.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I totally understand how you feel, and I too don't get why a person WANTS that. Seems like too much energy, and for what end? Temporary satisfaction.
> 
> My ex would throw natural fits whenever a holiday would approach in which we would be required to spend time with extended family. Maybe he felt awkward (his family didn't get together for stuff) but instead of talking to me about it or us working on his issue together, he would threaten to leave or engage in these disappearing acts on me. It was all so I would KNOW he disapproved and wanted things his way. I wised up near the end of the relationship and didn't give into his behavior. He never recovered from my asserting myself and basically saying I wasn't going to stand to be manipulated anymore.
> 
> To hear he's STILL doing this with other women is sad. I would think he'd be tired of himself.



Love the disappearing act scenerio. My W has 'left me' 2 out of the 3 last holidays.

That is another story in itself.. her kids (ages 32,30 20 and 18) don't much like me because I prevent them from taking advantage of the W (she makes pretty good money). They are parasites and she allows it.. so she feels she has to chose between them or me during the holidays. So she goes and lives with the daughter and then comes back afterwards...

There's a gammit of issues we need to address before we live together again. Counseling is a must and she knows this and is willing.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Does it affect you in any way if they take advantage of her financially?


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Does it affect you in any way if they take advantage of her financially?


Vicariously, yes. When she makes their car payments, electric bills, cell phones, rent, etc. Then she has her bills also.. so then when she wants something or wants to go somewhere I cover the entire bill... so I might as well have given the money to the kids.

My biggest issue is with the two older ones... the both have decent jobs making $18 and $15/ hr respectively.. but they would prefer to party like rock stars and not pay their bills first.. then run to mommy.

I was on my own at 17 and never looked back.. they are well into adulthood and act like 14 yr olds.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I would have a problem with that, too. What would happen if you stopped reimbursing her expenses when she runs out of money? Does it affect your credit score, too?

BTW, I wrote up an article today about coping with stress that you may find helpful: http://jellygator.hubpages.com/hub/Coping-Strategies-for-Stress


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I would have a problem with that, too. What would happen if you stopped reimbursing her expenses when she runs out of money? Does it affect your credit score, too?
> 
> BTW, I wrote up an article today about coping with stress that you may find helpful: Coping Strategies for Stress


I do stop the money train on many occasions when the expense it to high IMO. Of course it creates an argument and I try to get her to see why the situation exists.. However, it a delicate subject because it's a 'blood is thicker than water' type thing.

Thanks also for writing the article.. That reference will come in handy.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You're welcome. I hope it helps. Glad you're able to set limits on the money thing, too, because that can become yet another contentious problem!


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## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

Great question Ostera. Twenty years ago I heard a great radio broadcast all about coping skills in marriage, and about resolving the conflicts between you.

The radio speaker was a baptist minister named Adrian Rogers and his topic was the "3 C's of Marriage". They are - Commitment, Communication, and Compromise - in that order.

Here's where you can get them for free in written form. It's good, good stuff.


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