# Venting...I need guidance



## Filbertnut (Apr 21, 2020)

So here's my tale of woe. Sorry it is so long..but there is so much that I left out as well.

My wife and I have been together for twenty years, married for 15. I knew her as a friend for 6 years before we ever dated. I have always described our relationship to others as a solid and unbreakable bond with a strong foundation developed in friendship first and then sealed by the bond of marriage and love. I always told others that we were lucky to have what we had. Apparently I have been a fool either living in denial or living with blinders on. We have two children ages 12 and 8 and right now (and always) they are the most important thing in the world to me.

For the past couple of years or so, my wife has been going out once or twice a month with her girlfriends. A little over a year ago she underwent weight loss surgery and has lost a ton of weight and physically looks really good these days. I was on board for the surgery because I knew she had self-esteem issues and I really thought that this would help her. I was not aware, until very recently, of the statistic that the divorce rate after bariatric surgery is between 85 and 90% within the first year after surgery. That is a mind blowing statistic and had I known, would have taken steps to try and be in the 10-15% that stays together. About 4 months ago I started getting suspicious of my wife's behavior. When she would go out with her friends she would usually come home a little after 2AM, shortly after the bars or clubs in the area close. Of course I did not love her being out that late but I had absolutely zero reason not to trust her. All of a sudden, there were a few nights that she did not come home until 6 AM…even sometimes just making it in the door shortly before the kids woke up. She presented her reasons for being out that late and again, I had complete trust in her. I foolishly never imagined to be in this situation. But in the back of my head..I started to doubt. I’m not one for spying on my wife, but I then started to use Find my Iphone to take a peek at the location of her phone and on several occasions what she was telling me and what I was looking at did not sync up. Trips to the store or the mall but her phone was nowhere near a store or a mall. She also started to get really distant and absorbed in her phone. She claimed it was a group text that she had going with all of her friends and the texting was a constant thing, all day long. I questioned why she lied to me about where she was and her reasoning was that she was just going out for a quick drink with one of her girlfriends and didn’t think I would approve of her going for a drink during the week so she lied to cover that up. None of this was adding up to make me feel very good.

So next she decided that she no longer wanted an IPhone and it was time to upgrade to a new phone and this time she made sure location tracking was off. She always had a way of making me feel like I was being a jerk or I was wrong for tracking her phone. I felt conflicted with guilt and distrust. An opportunity presented itself where I found myself alone with her old IPhone. I couldn’t help myself and decided to take a look at what was on there. As soon as it opened up, it went right to a text thread with someone I never heard of. I started reading the texts and it was a punch in the gut…there was no doubt now that there was at least an EA going on. I’ve made many mistakes by acting impulsively over the past few months and this was no exception. I confronted her right away and she admitted that she was talking to a guy that she met and they had struck up a really good friendship but she claimed I was making it out to be more than it was. They were just good friends. I asked her how dumb she thought I actually was because the texts that I read are not things that just friends say to each other. She said she never meant to hurt me and that friendship would end right away. She did not want to blowup our entire family. I continued to make mistakes by telling her that I am a grown man and am capable of forgiveness. I realize now that she never asked for forgiveness or even said she was sorry for doing it. She was sorry I got hurt.

I told her that if we are going to continue she can no longer go out with the same friends that she has been going out with. I had been realizing that they aren’t the most moral group of women and are not good influences on a marriage. She was not happy but she agreed. That lasted for about 4 weeks and it was torture. She was absolutely miserable and was growing to resent me because she felt I was treating her like a child and locking her up. In that time she was not forthcoming with any information about how she felt about things. We talked about couples therapy but she wanted to do individual therapy first to figure out her headspace and then we could do couples therapy. The first night she went out again the discussion was about respect for me and going and having a good time but don’t take advantage and walk all over me. We went on for the next couple of months with her going out on weekends and it evolved again to basically coming home whatever time she felt like. Our relationship was incredibly strained and she finally opened up and told me she thinks of me as a roommate and no longer as a lover. I have since discovered that she is still seeing that same guy and discover a message from him to her telling her he loves her. I’ve also seen messages from her to her girlfriend discussing the situation and she states how much of a bond she has with this guy and how he talks about their future and buying a house together and how he wants to take MY kids to Disney and he has already bought some gifts for them. BTW he is 24 and my wife and I are 43.

We have decided to divorce but I have a major logistical problem. We are poor. We don’t have much except for our house and we live pay check to pay check to pay the mortgage. For the first 10 years we owned the house, I made twice as much money as she did. I also worked while she went to school and we lived off my salary for that time. I lost that job five years ago and now she has her degree and makes twice as much money as I do in my new job. I am currently back in school trying to earn a degree to improve our life for my kids and I. So long story short, she is going to move out but is still living in the same house as me. I, unfortunately, am relying on her to help pay the mortgage so I can continue to take care of the kids. She cannot afford to get an apartment on her own. She has been home during the week but has been going and staying at hotels on the weekend with the boyfriend. (In the middle of a pandemic, but that is a whole other topic). She has become disinterested in anything going on at the house and seems mostly disconnected from the kids as well. The whole thing makes me so sad but I know I will come through it better in the end.

I’m not sure what I am looking for by posting here. Maybe it’s just to vent. Maybe someone has some advice for me. I don’t know.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Drop your stbxw off at the boyfriends(good luck to him). Look to sell the home and get into something you can afford. Sorry you are here.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Yeswecan said:


> Drop your stbxw off at the boyfriends(good luck to him). Look to sell the home and get into something you can afford. Sorry you are here.


Yup.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Yup.


Gotta agree with the general response.
Time to take out the trash.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Document that she is ignoring the kids -- since she is making more than you SHE will have to pay you alimony I am thinking! Make sure you get a great lawyer and follow the plan while she is in the fog -- you may get her to agree to things that she normally wouldn't.
Best of luck and VERY sorry that you are going through this.


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## Filbertnut (Apr 21, 2020)

Yeah...that's pretty much where I am at. I can choose to rely on her financially to help pay the mortgage or sell the house, split the profits and find someplace else to live. I am trying to put the kids first and want to disrupt their lives as little as possible...does staying in the same house help with that? I think it would. I'd really like them to stay in same area for schools and activities and friends....not sure I can do that if I leave the house.

Good point about documenting neglect of the kids. Custody is a whole other ballgame. She wants 50/50 but she also just wants to leave and get her own place. She was looking at studio apartments. I'm like, where is your head at?!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bud, right now it’s all a fairy tale. She doesn’t have a care in the world. That’ll change when reality hits. 
In the D you go for everything you can get. Child support, alimony and as much of a split in the assets as you can get. You try the Mr Nice Guy route it won’t feel so good when she smacks you across the face with a 2x4. You and the kids don’t mean a damn thing to her. Better understand that right now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Filbertnut said:


> Yeah...that's pretty much where I am at. I can choose to rely on her financially to help pay the mortgage or sell the house, split the profits and find someplace else to live. I am trying to put the kids first and want to disrupt their lives as little as possible...does staying in the same house help with that? I think it would. I'd really like them to stay in same area for schools and activities and friends....not sure I can do that if I leave the house.


Do not do anything until you talk to an attorney. Don't tell her that you are doing this because you need to prepare. She makes more than you by what sounds like a significant amount. She will most likely have to pay you spousal support and child support. There are attorneys that will give you an hour or half-hour consultation so you can interview them. Ask them a lot of questions to get an idea of how they would handle your case. You can also find a lot about your state divorce laws online.

When you talk to an attorney, tell the them that your wife is meeting her affair partner (AP) at hotels during the shutdown. Do you have any idea what this guy does for a living? Is he working? Depending on if you live in a hotspot area like NY or NJ, your wife is putting your entire family at risk for COVID-19. I agree that she should just go live with the guy and leave you and the kids in the house. She should not be able to be around the children until the pandemic is over. Oh, and once she's moved out, serve her with divorce papers and get an order for her to pay you interim spousal support / alimony and child support.

She is dating some guy who is about 20 years younger than she. He's not going to stay with her long-term. Only about 3% of affairs turn into long-term relationships. Even fewer last when the woman is a LOT older than the man. The best way to put an end to this affair is for her to go live with him. The fantasy that they are living will crash very quickly. 



Filbertnut said:


> Good point about documenting neglect of the kids. Custody is a whole other ballgame. She wants 50/50 but she also just wants to leave and get her own place. She was looking at studio apartments. I'm like, where is your head at?!


Talk to an attorney about custody. They will be able to help you. Do you think she might be taking drugs. Her total spacing out from life seems a bit like she's really lost reality.

You need to find out as much about her AP as you can. This guy might be spending time around your children. Protect them.

Plus, why are they spending nights in hotels? Doesn't his have a home? Is he married and that's why she does not go to his place? Or is he living with his mommy and daddy?


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## Filbertnut (Apr 21, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Do not do anything until you talk to an attorney. Don't tell her that you are doing this because you need to prepare. She makes more than you by what sounds like a significant amount. She will most likely have to pay you spousal support and child support. There are attorneys that will give you an hour or half-hour consultation so you can interview them. Ask them a lot of questions to get an idea of how they would handle your case. You can also find a lot about your state divorce laws online.
> 
> When you talk to an attorney, tell the them that your wife is meeting her affair partner (AP) at hotels during the shutdown. Do you have any idea what this guy does for a living? Is he working? Depending on if you live in a hotspot area like NY or NJ, your wife is putting your entire family at risk for COVID-19. I agree that she should just go live with the guy and leave you and the kids in the house. She should not be able to be around the children until the pandemic is over. Oh, and once she's moved out, serve her with divorce papers and get an order for her to pay you interim spousal support / alimony and child support.
> 
> ...


My instinct is that he is still with Mommy and Daddy...which makes me laugh and cry at the same time.
I'm just so lost. Never in a million years expected to be in this situation. I was thinking it would be too expensive to use lawyers but idk. I'm starting to feel like if I don't get one I will be screwed because I am the man. Maybe it doesn't always work that way anymore and I don't want to deprive the kids of their mom but they will be better with me at this point.
I don't want to ruffle too many feathers either because we rely heavily on her parents for child care when we are at work.bthey live around the corner and look at it with the perspective that they love spending time with their grandkids. I'm afraid if I go after her hard I will also lose them as a support system. Then she can stand up in court and say she makes the money, she has the child care support...etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Filbertnut said:


> My instinct is that he is still with Mommy and Daddy...which makes me laugh and cry at the same time.
> I'm just so lost. Never in a million years expected to be in this situation.


You really do need to find out who this guy is, where he lives, his job, etc. It's best for you to not have contact with him but the more you know about him the better. It usually not all that hard to find out a lot a person on the internet. Do you have his full name? how about a photo?



Filbertnut said:


> I was thinking it would be too expensive to use lawyers but idk. I'm starting to feel like if I don't get one I will be screwed because I am the man. Maybe it doesn't always work that way anymore and I don't want to deprive the kids of their mom but they will be better with me at this point.


You can get some consultations with lawyers for free. So interview at least 3 of them to get an idea of how this will go.

You would probably benefit from getting a book about divorce laws in your state. They are sold on amazon and other book sellers. 

You can negotiate a lot of your settlement with her directly, but anything that she wants that does not follow your state's divorce laws, use an attorney for it. 



Filbertnut said:


> I don't want to ruffle too many feathers either because we rely heavily on her parents for child care when we are at work. bthey live around the corner and look at it with the perspective that they love spending time with their grandkids. I'm afraid if I go after her hard I will also lose them as a support system. Then she can stand up in court and say she makes the money, she has the child care support...etc.


That is another topic to discuss with some lawyers. How would her parents watching the kids play into this.

There is a good book about how to handle and affair and recover your marriage... "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. In the book one of the things he says you have to do is expose the affair to everyone to include her family and his family. Ask them to help you end the affair. Even if you don't ask them to help end the affair you might find that her parents are very upset about the affair. There is no reason that even if the children stay with you, that you cannot continue to have her parents help with them.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You absolutely must have a lawyer. I would not worry about losing the support of her parents, because they love their grandchildren, and I’m sure they’re going to be horrified when they find out how their daughter has been cheating on her husband. Go after every single thing that you are entitled to right now. She wanted to play, now she gets to pay. Absolutely do not agree to staying in the house together, because she will abuse that forever if she’s allowed.. she gets to keep her money and play with her boyfriend, so why wouldn’t she want to do that? Don’t allow this. Not only would it be horrible for you, but it’s a terrible example for your kids. Do not roll over, don’t try to be the nice guy. 

I am sorry you are here. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Filbertnut said:


> She has been home during the week but has been going and staying at hotels on the weekend with the boyfriend.


Document this. She is spending family resources on the affair. You should be able to recoup at least half.

Just wait until the stress kicks in for her and the weight starts piling back on. Then see how attractive junior finds his sugar mama.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Filbertnut said:


> Yeah...that's pretty much where I am at. I can choose to rely on her financially to help pay the mortgage or sell the house, split the profits and find someplace else to live. I am trying to put the kids first and want to disrupt their lives as little as possible...does staying in the same house help with that? I think it would. I'd really like them to stay in same area for schools and activities and friends....not sure I can do that if I leave the house.
> 
> Good point about documenting neglect of the kids. Custody is a whole other ballgame. She wants 50/50 but she also just wants to leave and get her own place. She was looking at studio apartments. I'm like, where is your head at?!


A primary component (and draw) with many affairs is detachment from reality. They're living a fantasy, therefore it's 'hot.' But then they get used to living their fantasy and they think that's how life works now in general.

Then, they wake up, and say things like 'I don't know why I did that' and 'it was like it wasn't me' and 'I never meant to hurt you' and 'I never stopped loving you' when none of those things are actually true.

It's confusing for them because they've been delusional. It's upsetting for you because you literally don't know where the person you loved went.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> Document this. She is spending family resources on the affair. You should be able to recoup at least half.
> 
> Just wait until the stress kicks in for her and the weight starts piling back on. Then see how attractive junior finds his sugar mama.


He also may be able to make the case that it's abandoning the children and family home.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So for THIS:
"
Custody is a whole other ballgame. She wants 50/50 but she also just wants to leave and get her own place. She was looking at studio apartments. I'm like, where is your head at?! "

DO NOT say anything to her. If she gets a studio, it's better for YOU -- it will show that she isn't thinking about the kids AT ALL.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jlg07 said:


> So for THIS:
> "
> Custody is a whole other ballgame. She wants 50/50 but she also just wants to leave and get her own place. She was looking at studio apartments. I'm like, where is your head at?! "
> 
> DO NOT say anything to her. If she gets a studio, it's better for YOU -- it will show that she isn't thinking about the kids AT ALL.


While we were sitting in court for another matter, I watched a judge issue full custody temporarily to the husband because the mother couldn't (or wouldn't) provide adequate housing for the children.

This lady sounds like she wants a swank bachelor shag pad and not a family home. Let her go get it.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Wow what an idiot she is. She will regret this decision in the future trust me!! 
If you stay positive, work on bettering yourself you two will both get what you deserve. And you will be way happier without her with such a better life! 

Don’t let this harden you, or make you bitter and angry. She’s an idiot. She lost the best thing she will ever have.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Letting your fears guide you won’t help much anymore likely put you at a disadvantag.

They all eventually come back is a myth. Not all do.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

If I were you I would gladly escort her out of the house. Lawyer up! Now!


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## Filbertnut (Apr 21, 2020)

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am struggling right now with the day to day rollercoaster of my emotions. It really does help to hear from others that have gone through their own version of this hell.


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## Filbertnut (Apr 21, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> You really do need to find out who this guy is, where he lives, his job, etc. It's best for you to not have contact with him but the more you know about him the better. It usually not all that hard to find out a lot a person on the internet. Do you have his full name? how about a photo?


You are right. I have his name and a simple internet search reveals much. He does still live with his Mommy. And mom is only 7 years older than my wife. I wonder how she will feel about this situation?


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## Filbertnut (Apr 21, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Don’t let this harden you, or make you bitter and angry. She’s an idiot. She lost the best thing she will ever have.


I don't know if she will end up regretting her actions or not. I do know that she is not acting like the person I have known for half my life. In fact it's the total opposite. Maybe this is who she really is and has been fake with me for 20 years. 
I really don't want to be bitter and angry. I don't want to be an emotionally damaged middle age divorced guy. It's difficult to see how this will not harden me. I'm nowhere near thinking about new relationships but I am in the process of laying the emotional groundwork for future person I will be. How do I avoid being bitter and angry? How do I trust anyone when I've been so completely betrayed like this?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Filbertnut said:


> Thank you everyone for your replies. I am struggling right now with the day to day rollercoaster of my emotions. It really does help to hear from others that have gone through their own version of this hell.


It is important that you keep moving forward and not yourself wallow in this. Listen to the people here, we have been through this. 

In the end, after some time you realize that you are worth more, you are the prize and anyone that doe not see and understand that, is someone you don't want in our life...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Filbertnut said:


> I don't know if she will end up regretting her actions or not. I do know that she is not acting like the person I have known for half my life. In fact it's the total opposite. Maybe this is who she really is and has been fake with me for 20 years.
> I really don't want to be bitter and angry. I don't want to be an emotionally damaged middle age divorced guy. It's difficult to see how this will not harden me. I'm nowhere near thinking about new relationships but I am in the process of laying the emotional groundwork for future person I will be. How do I avoid being bitter and angry? How do I trust anyone when I've been so completely betrayed like this?


Apparently most people who are in the middle of a situation like this feel the way you do about relationships. I know I did at the time. But looking at statistics, most have a new relationship within a year after divorce and remarried within 4/5 years.

How do you prevent yourself from being bitter. You learn how to structure a relationship and maintain to so that this does not happen again. A lot of relationships/marriage fall apart because the couple does not spend enough quality time together, love busts a lot, and does not meet each others needs. Sadly, most of us never learn how to nurture a relationship. 

There are some books that I often suggest that teach what we all should have been taught before adulthood... "Surviving an Affair", "Love Busters". and "His Needs, Her Needs". They all written by Dr. Harley.


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## Hypervibe (Apr 23, 2020)

Filbertnut said:


> Thank you everyone for your replies. I am struggling right now with the day to day rollercoaster of my emotions. It really does help to hear from others that have gone through their own version of this hell.


It is certainly a rollercoaster of emotions,some guys can handle it in a tough way,others can’t,I’m too bloody emotional and struggling atm too,,yet I know from speaking to my my Brother,he would be entirely different.


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