# separation after physical abuse



## kirkky (Dec 12, 2010)

Been married for 10 years and we have 2 kids. Our marriage was on a scale of 10 was a 7. We had out moments but our good moments outweighed the bad moments. Just 2 weeks ago while I was under medication for poison ivy taking steroids and steriod shots for a week to help the healing, we got into a arguement. The arguement was steming from me not doing the daily activities with the kids, not going to church, taking on more than I can chew cause I was working soo much. I was working soo much to help with our financial problems that we were facing. Well on that night I just lost it. My temper and anger got the best of me as she kept telling me she is not in love with me, hates me, im a bad father and a bad husband. I threw my water bottle at her and she return the water bottle at me. I then threw my pill bottles at her and she told me to get out now I hate you. I was soo enraged that I ran to the bed where she was laying and pushed her off the bed. This inflicted pain on her knee as she hit the exercise machine. I then restrained her on the bed standing up by holding her wrist while she tried to hit me and yelling let me go. I finally let her go when she calmed down. Then she freaked again and I grabbed her ankles to make her stay there to talk to me. She was in rage with fear and hatred. I put her foot up to my face and say you can kick me off you if you want me off you. I told her that she can call the police and say domestic violence as I admitted to it. Didn't know what came over me. We talked for a little while afterwards. I kissed her good night and told her not to give up on me and I am sorry for what I did. I beat myself everyday since then trying to figure it out. Seeing a therapist right now as well as anger management. My therapist was telling me that the steroids that I was taking for the past week plays with people's emotions and may trigger out of control problems. But it doesnt excuse the act. I never in the 10 years layed a hand on her till that night. She moved out and is living with her parents with the kids. I told her that that was the best thing for them us and the kids. After that incident we have been talking about our problems over the phone I tried to comfort her as much as I can. Now it's 10 days past the incident and she wants a legal separation. We talk to each other face to face spend time together with the kids with each of us there. I am heartbroken and confused. She tells me that there is no more us and that she will always resent me and never trust me again. I want to give her what she wants. But she wants to sign uncontested paperwork now. Is this anger still lashing out or her really wanting it to end? Am I wrong to just give in and give up my family cause she wants it? She still cares as she bought me lunch today with the kids. Gave me her Heath Care Debit card for the medical expenses I incurred. 

My friends and family say I should fight for my family but I feel compelled not to fight as I respect her decision. I violated her I lost her trust and I lost everything in 2 minutes. They tell me that I am not like that and she should know that after 10 years of marriage. I am confused lost hurt drained of all. Cant sleep, cant eat, cant stop thinking about it. I try to show her that everything is alright with me and that I am taking care of myself and working to change. I am lost and confused. I need opinions


----------



## photojane (Dec 4, 2010)

Pardon me if you mentioned this, I have a hard time reading gaint paragraphs -

Have you asked her to go to counseling with you. Even after a while. Once you have been in therapy a bit on your own and your therapist feels you have made strides, maybe if she came along your therapist could help her see that youve changed and give you two a chance to discuss what happened in a safe environment.


----------



## kirkky (Dec 12, 2010)

I have asked her and she says she cannot as she will always resent me and never trust me again. Don't know if that is anger or truth coming from her. That is why I am soo lost and confused.


----------



## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

This might be your only incident of physical abuse, but are you abusive in others ways - verbal, emotional, financial? Are you controlling? 

If you are, then it will take more than anger management to sort out your issues. The physical incident could have been what broke the camel's back.


----------



## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

:iagree:

What *HM3* says makes a lot of sense. You might want to consider going to counseling to figure out what may have been going wrong in your marriage for a long time before your one incident of physical abuse.


----------



## DCMarriageCounselor (Aug 30, 2007)

Kirkky, 

It sounds like you are really willing to learn about yourself from what happened and try to save the relationship. This counts a lot in my opinion.

When we're talking about anger and rage reactions, we have to be clear that these are moments when we literally are not in our right mind. This can and does happen to all of us whether or not we cross the line to hit someone else. Hopefully your therapist will help you develop more of a compassionate relationship with the part of you that reacts this way so you can start to tune into what is driving it. I can tell you that it is very worthwhile and there is a way to do it and connect what you are learning to your partner even though she will understandably not trust it right away. 

Let us know how it's going...


----------



## kirkky (Dec 12, 2010)

thanks for the words and advice. I did yell when we did argue but I can tell you that I can count the many times we had an arguement on one hand in the past 10 years. We were happy and we had a lot of good times I mean a lot of good times. Financially both of us were strong and free will. Emotionally we were strong and free will. Besides my quick temper at other things IE road rage, daily stupid things IE dog pissing on the floor, but no major conflict between the both of us. It is like a light switch went off and I am standing in the dark. I don't know what to do. Fight for my family or let her go. To add to the drama it's only 11 days and she has already told my kids that mommy and daddy are not getting along so Daddy will not be with mommy no more.


----------



## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

It could be your quick temper that is the problem. Listening to someone who shouts for 10 years over the smallest of issues is not easy. Your wife probably found that really hard, and the physical incident was the last straw. Someone who moans or shouts over small daily things is not right - you keep picking away at your wife by doing that. Small daily issues happen to everyone, but you don't get angry over such small things - there are more important issues in life. When you got angry - did you actually help with the solution? When the dog pissed on the floor did you help clean up, or did you just get angry? 

You need to seek counselling for your temper. If your wife sees you doing something about it, she might reconsider, but usually when people seek help too much has happened in the relationship for it to be mended - the trust is broken and cannot be rebuilt. Regardless of your marriage, you should seek help.


----------



## Reader (Dec 18, 2010)

I am a female, and as I'm reading your post, my impression is that you're being very humble and compassionate toward the whole situation. You're seeking help already, counseling, and not pushing your way back into the situation. I think it's really good that you're respecting her need for space right now, and I wouldn't be surprised if the more space you give her, the more she will soften and invite you back into her life to work things out. I say, hang in there, do your own work and soul-searching, and give her space (and take your own), and the right thing will happen.


----------



## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

I went through this very thing with my husband recently. I made him leave after he hit me. I understand where she's coming from with the loss of trust in you. It is VERY hard to be able to regain that, to even want to regain that. If she's that set in wanting to end it, I suspect it's not that one incident of physical abuse that destroyed the trust. It wasn't for me. It was years and years of verbal abuse THEN the physical abuse that put it over the top. My husband didn't even realize he was verbally abusing me until after I threw him out and he started seeking help and got SERIOUSLY honest with himself. NOW he's seeing things alot more clearly. 

Keep doing what you're doing for you and your relationship with your kids - so that you can have a loving and healthy relationship with them from here on out - regardless of whether you ever get back together with your wife. THAT'S #1. Do NOT let anger destroy your relationship with them!!

And, if you keep doing what your doing and your wife sees you being a more mellow, resonable, controlled person with your kids, with life, with others, perhaps she'll begin to trust again before it's too late for your marriage. Or maybe she won't. But you have to give her space - DON'T PRESSURE HER. Because I'm telling you that's the biggest mistake you can make.


----------

