# Fear of intimacy



## LivetoDiscover (Aug 22, 2010)

I posted this thread in another category before realizing it was probably more appropriate to post here so I will put it here.

I am a newly wed of only 2 months and have been in a distant relationship for the duration of most of my entire relationship with my now husband. In less than a week I will be moving to be with him. This will be the first time we will live together. My biggest fear is a matter of intimacy. When we are intimate it is amazing for both of us. 

My biggest fear is getting pregnant, now that we will be together on a day to day basis that is more chances of us having sex more often which increases the possibility of pregnancy. I have so much I want to do with my life from a professional and educational standpoint, a child would not be in my best interest for many years. I have taken precautions to prevent pregnancy (i.e. birth control) but as we all know, there is no surefire birth control besides abstinence. As a married women, I really don't think abstinence is possible....and this would be a surefire way down the road of an unhappy marriage. I have so much anxiety about getting pregnant I fear it may interfere and start ruining my sex life. 

Has anyone else had such an extreme anxiety about this? Also, I am very fearful of the sex loosing the "spark" like what I hear happens to so many married people.

What advice does anyone have about how to maintain intimacy in a marriage, what is the best "balance" of not too much and not too less? Do any women have advice about this anxiety I have been feeling?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

What a great topic - I feel like here at teh sex forum we do forget to talk about what is the biological purpose of sex, which is to make babies.

I am not sure how to advise you, because I am male and I am hoping older females chime in (like you want) but I will say this - I think the answer lies somewhere in between what feminists have taught women, which is "You can and should have it all like any man" and of course, the polar opposite, which is, "Now that you are married, you should plan on staying home and having babies." I think both viewpoints are radical and don't serve women well.

But oh boy. . .and this is a problem here that I hope the forum will work through with - you are now married. Yes, I am sure your husband didn't get married to certainly abstain from sex. Right?

So, instead of me talking, let me interview you (without being judgemental):

If you are anxious about having sex and being a sexual person, fully engaged in that capacity within your marriage, why did you feel called to marriage?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I guess I am not understanding why you are SO worried that birth control will fail ? What are you using ? If you take the pill, just make sure to never take anti-biotics when on it , I have heard of a few cases where pregnancies resulted, but still very rare. If you want added protection beyond that, have him wear a condom. Believe me , if you are doing both, it is NOT going to happen! 

I have been married for over 20 years, we never used any Birth control but condoms & the Rhythm method. Never a failure with the condoms. Once we did it on an Iffy day without (and I knew it was a risk) , and yes, I did end up pregnant. 

Problem with the pill is ....it sometimes diminishes a woman's sex drive. But not for everyone. 

Even the near thought of trying to be abstinant when married is so NOT the answer - ever. At least do condoms, while you are figuring this out, and on those days (if your period is always regular), you can go without on the sure non-fertile days. There is a window of approx 6 - 8 days total a month a woman can fertilize an egg. So why use condoms on the other days as it will be a real treat for your husband . Mine sure preferred without. 

A fantastic , almost inspiring book about Newlywed Intimacy I highly recommend here : Amazon.com: Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy&#133;


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

There are several different things to address with your fear. First and foremost, is that if it is causing you this much anxiety, you need to not only talk to him, but also maybe talk to a therapist, or even just a doctor with a thorough knowledge of birth control to get your fears eased. 

Second, you have many things you want to do with your life, and feel a child would not be the best thing to help you accomplish those goals. That's great that you have thought about it and have come to this conclusion, rather than having a child and being overwhelmed and discovering it too late. HOWEVER, at the same time...you do understand that any child you have would have a father, as well, right? Meaning you wouldn't have to do it all. In fact...have you two ever discussed children? It might not be a bad idea to discuss them, and how they would be raised. You might be surprised to discover that he would want to be a stay at home dad or something. At the very least you should discuss it just to make sure you two are on the same page. 

Last, you don't mention how old you are. I'm assuming you're rather young. But just in case you're not, keep in mind that there does come a point where fertility begins to decrease, and if you want biological kids, having them before you get to that point would be a good idea. Less stressful, and easier. I'm not trying to talk you into having a child, or out of a child, or a career or anything else. I just want you to keep everything in mind, so you don't come back later and instead of being anxious about getting unintentionally pregnant, being devastated that you waited too long. 

Definitely talk to your husband, though. Let him know how anxious you are, so you two can discuss together some options for ensuring you don't get pregnant. And if that doesn't help to relieve your anxiety, then see a professional to help you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There are a variety of birth control options available and some can be used in combination to decrease the risk of pregnancy even lower. My wife and I just use condoms and that has been quite effective for several years. By all means, discuss this with your fiance'. This is a couple issue and you shouldn't bear the fear or responsibility alone. Once you are relieved of the anxiety of pregnancy, you'll probably find sex is even better. Even if, in spite of the greatest care, you become pregant, your future is not ruined. These days, one can attend college from home via the computer and many schools offer evening or weekend sessions. 
If you and your spouse use reasonable care, the risk of getting pregnant is extremely remote. Besides, vaginal intercourse is just one form of intimate/sexual activity among many options. Please don't even consider refraining from sex alltogether as a solution. Both of you need that intimate physical contact.


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## LivetoDiscover (Aug 22, 2010)

For birth control I have been using the pill but I have been stacking it so take it 3 months in a row. I guess I just always hated the idea of counting on a pill...although we have counted on just the pill before and it hasn't failed us so.....I talked it over with my husband and he thought doubling up might be a better idea that way there is NO chance of having a kid until we choose to have one. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not so much anxious about having sex, and I am a very sexual person. It will just be a hard adjustment getting used to seeing each other on a daily basis. We are used to only seeing each other once a month or every couple months so when we do have sex it is that "I haven't seen you in forever" type....I'm sure you know what type I'm talking about. How can anything ever compete with that?? I guess I'm just wondering what your best advice would be on how to still have that super awesome sex even when you see each other all the time.
I have been so used to having distance relationships for so many years, I forgot what it is like to be with someone so often...

I'll definitely have to check out that book. I love being intimate and the thought that someday I might be like those other wives men complain about who never want it saddens me...


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

LivetoDiscover said:


> I guess I'm just wondering what your best advice would be on how to still have that super awesome sex even when you see each other all the time.
> .


I hate to tell ya live, but at least with my wife and me, it's not that super awesome sex every time. Sometimes is just a screw to get our rocks off. Sometimes its more of a intimate occurrence where orgasm is almost secondary. Other times its hard for one of us to actually orgasm, and just the other one does. And sometimes its that curl your toes sex.

Intimacy, like everything else will never be 100% awesome. The thing is, as you get to know each other longer and longer, the good % generally outweighs the so-so %. Don't get worked up and worried about if it was awesome each time. Just take the time to explore each others wants and desires. Take time to explore each others bodies, what they like, what you like, etc.

The single biggest organ involved in sex (besides your skin) is your brain. Talk, talk, talk and talk more. You can never discuss it too much between each other. Make sure you are both honest and not afraid to tell each other whats on your mind.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I would have to say another thing that one poster said that makes me think -

Did you discuss this before getting married?

If you didn't, it's okay. Rookie mistake and there are so many things couples should discuss before marriage and for some reason don't. Money, career, kids, sex, etc. 

Of course, life is weird - you can plan and do family planning to a certain degree but you are right, there are many "Pill" babies out there. I think the Pill is 99.5% effective which means 1 in 200 couples get a little bundle of surprise. It DOES happen. It may be good for the both of you to do that "thought experiment" that okay, what if that did happen?

Would you be devastated? Angry at your husband for knocking you up? Would your husband be angry at you eventually because, "Gee, I thought we were going to eventually have kids."

If you are not the "happy-go-lucky" type (and it doesn't sound like you are) and just deal with life's curve balls, than you probably need to talk about different "what if" scenarios with your husband so your fear doesn't dominate you.


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## LivetoDiscover (Aug 22, 2010)

We have talked about kids, sex, the works before marriage. We have a distance relationship so we have done nothing but talk. We will have them someday, just not now. I guess if it happened I'd deal with it when it came but I'd rather take actions to prevent it, and not have to worry. He is more the one who wants kids, me-I'm trying to procrastinate it as long as I can. 

I mostly posted this to see what other people's thoughts were, they have been pretty similar to what me and him have discussed so its reassuring. Sometimes its just nice to hear things from an outside source.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Like other people said, there are tonnes of contraceptives around. I have the implanon (doc puts it in your arm and then you don't have to worry about getting pregant for 3 years, unless you want to get it taken out earlier). I got sick of having to worry about taking a pill every day. Only downside with the implanon is that it is apparently bad for sex drive. I never had a sex drive to begin with so its not really any different for me - but its way handier than condoms, etc. There are a tonne of other contraceptives around (and more coming out each year I notice) so keep an eye out for one that might suit you. Huge variety.  If i was you I'd research them a fair bit first because a fair few of them decrease your sex drive as a side affect - but there are plenty that don't. Good luck!


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