# I'm a damn fool



## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

I've been on here off and on for about two years now. I've given advise and helped other, but I really need the help this time. 

LONG story short. Wife had an affair. She's a stay at home mom. I travel frequently for work. She's been off and on with the other guy for about 1 1/2 years. We still live in the house together. He's divorced father of two who had the same thing happen to him 4 years ago. We have two kids and have been married for 12 years. She's in limerance. He cheated on her with Ex-wife. They broke up the middle of June for the second time. We decided to try reconciliation in July. I've been very clingy since then. Focusing on her, us, and the kids to the exclusion of almost everything else. I had to go out of the country for a week back a week ago. We fought about her and the OM getting the kids together while I was gone. She did it anyway and ended up making out with him or more a day later. I had final drafts of divorce papers waiting on me from her lawyer when I got home. 

She says that I was suffocating her which I can see. She didn't make a real honest effort to reconcile because she wouldn't cut off contact from him, get rid of things he got her, or take down a picture of them together on Facebook. 

I need to end this, but I'm just as much addicted to her and making this work as she is to him. I still enjoy spending time with her and like her. I still see her as my best friend and wife. Why can't I flip that damn switch? I can for a few hours or a day or two, but as soon as I stop being mad or upset the affection is back. I'm a sucker for her. Help?


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

Its like the same with anything you are used to. You are just used to her and also you are picturing her as the same was as she was back in the day. Things have changed. Its like quitting anything you are used to. It will be very hard initially but then you will see that it will get better. You just need to give yourself a push and get your own independent life.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I still enjoy spending time with her and like her. I still see her as my best friend and wife.


If this had just happened to you, I would say I'm sorry you're going through it, but more than a year later and this is what you post on this forum?

Where the f*** did you forget your balls while traveling for work? Go back there and find them, cuz right now you got none. Get your silly head out of your ass and realize that your wife is NOT your best friend. She's your #1 betrayer. She's a cheating b1tch with no shame. 

Are you physically crippled, mentally challenged and visually ugly? It's okay if you are, because despite all that, you deserve better than this excuse for a wife you got.

oh you're not any of those? Well, then you're just a codependent 'nice-guy' my friend.

Read the following book and get the hell out of this downward spiral you've fallen into. Make your crappy wife face the consequences of her selfishness by cutting all contact with her except kids business.

Stop financing her affair NOW. Tell her to get the f*** out of your home.

Read this book NOW.

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> She didn't make a real honest effort to reconcile because she wouldn't cut off contact from him, get rid of things he got her, or take down a picture of them together on Facebook...*I still *enjoy spending time with her and* like her. I still see her as my best friend *and wife.


Okay, this is a 50+woman talking here....you are DELUDING yourself, buddy! There is NO WAY you could possibly still like her or love her OR see her as your "best friend." GET REAL.

What you are is SCARED! Scared sh*tless and afraid to admit it even to yourself! What are you scared of? That you'll be alone? Hardly, there are plenty of women out there and they're looking for good men. Better women than this cheating skank of a wife you've got. Scared you won't see your kids much? THAT is entirely up to YOU; if YOU make the effort, you'll see them, talk to them regularly, be involved in their lives, make a difference in their lives.

The WORST that could happen if you leave is that you will be alone for a while. So what! Alone with DIGNITY...a concept you've been ignoring for a while.

The BEST that could happen is that you will meet a wonderful woman who appreciates you and all you have to offer.

Get the h*ll out of there...better yet, kick your cheating wife's azz out of there. DO IT NOW. Do it for your kids before THEY believe that this screwed-up mess you two are calling a 'marriage' is how adults are supposed to live. Do you want to see YOUR SON or YOUR DAUGHTER in a situation JUST LIKE THIS in 20 more years? THEN GET THE H*LL OUT and show them how it's SUPPOSED TO BE. Live alone OR with someone else, but DEMAND TO BE TREATED WITH DIGNITY.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Think of her relationship with the OM like this:

He had his d!ck in her all those times! He put it in all 3 openings and left "gifts" for you when you came home.

She exposed you to STDs and exposed this man to YOUR children! 

She lied to you as he continued to stick his d!ck in her. She enjoyed it for over a year and a half and made you a virtual cuckhold husband. 

She continued to disrespect you during the time you had given her the gift of reconciliation by continuing contact with this man RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! She pi$$ed all over your precious gift!

This woman has no respect or desire for you. Move on and find a woman who does care for and respect you!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to see her for who she is, not who you want her to be.

The woman you loved is gone.

Stop making her a priority when you are simply an option for her.

Find your dignity and file for divorce and never look back. You deserve better. So much better.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Keep it coming. You are absolutely right. Thanks!


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I forgave my wife for an affair and twelve years later we are still getting divorced.

It's not worth the pain.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

"what will it take to flip the switch?"

...not an STD, I hope! How will you feel if you find out you have herpes, or HIV or Hepatitis because SHE couldn't be faithful and you (maybe) don't want to be the 'bad guy'????

Is that b*stard she's cheating with going to be the new DAD for your kids?

What the h*ll ARE you waiting for?

TELL yourself that this is the LAST DAY you are taking her cr*p.
TELL yourself that YOU DESERVE better.
TELL yourself that YOU will be around (and in good health) for your kids.
TELL yourself that you gave your marriage EVERYTHING you had, but that ONE PERSON ALONE cannot save a marriage.
TELL yourself that you have permission to move on with your life.
FORGIVE YOURSELF for not walking away sooner.
TELL yourself that you HAVE learned the lesson and that you're moving on...moving forward...moving into a real, honest, genuine, healthy, centered life.

Now, DO IT. Do it. DO IT. Go see an attorney TOMORROW.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you exposed her cheating and the OM to friends and family?

Have you cut her off financially?


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Have you exposed her cheating and the OM to friends and family?
> 
> Have you cut her off financially?


Yes and Yes to a point. Being a stay at home mom I had to 1. give her some money or she could be entitled to half of all I make till the divorce is final. 2. Allow her to live in the house because her attorney informed her it was illegal for me to keep her out and could get a restraining order if I tried. I can't leave due to how that is looked upon in the courts here. She could end up with everything and full custody due to my job.

I've been seeing an attorney for over a year, she filed initially Aug 8th of last year, and worked to get most of the current agreement drafted with a financial planner. Just a little surprised on the about face. 

I went to see my therapist today and we worked around to the fact that I tied all my self worth and image to her when we got together 14 years ago. I was a problem child and heard a lot of negativity from both my parents. She was the first person who accepted me and stuck around. It seems that is the reason I don't want to do what needs to be done on some level. I truly seem to believe I won't be good/normal/ok without her. I.E. Doormat. Perhaps a name change is in order.

Thanks for replying Shaggy.


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

Throw that B*tch to the curb!!


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> You need to see her for who she is, not who you want her to be.
> 
> The woman you loved is gone.
> 
> ...


Awesome advice actually....








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

Gearhead. Please head this advice. Stop blaming her for the affair and START BLAMING YOURSELF (I know that she is a grown woman who makes her own choices, but the only way to move forward is to start seeing how the hell you went wrong!)

I believe the people responding here are correct, you have become a spineless shell of your former self. I bet you weren't always like this. I bet long ago you were strong, confident, and without a care in the world. 

Start taking responsibility for yourself and for getting back to that place. Until then, your heart means NOTHING to her.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Thanks for the reply. You actually bring up a GREAT point. I used the fact that I was seeing my issues to keep the door open for her, but I suspect that you mean dragging all of this out and the problems in my relationship. You're absolutely right. I have been blaming her for all of this. I have been treating this problem as hers and absolving myself.

I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm going to accept 100% of the blame from here on out for where my marriage is because of who I have been choosing to be. I'm not making that choice anymore.

Its funny, what you describe is exactly what she used to say about me. Time to get back there, but not with her.

GearHead


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

I still have to live with STBXW while she is moving on. I have good days with it and bad. On the bad days we fight, like this morning with her coming into the bedroom to use the master bath after a late night out and getting ready for work. She is also traipsing around with a towel over her chest to get a shirt from her room, when there is a walk in closet full of her clothes in the bathroom. I asked or maybe told her to please respect my privacy and use the other bathroom, we have 3 in the house, to get ready. She immediately got defensive due to my tone, as usual, and around we went with her telling me to clean our kids bathroom because it stinks and she would use that one. And then it being about her staying out late instead of the bathroom. She also said we are having a power struggle because I'm trying to control what she does. I told her no, she has a right to her own life and I don't really mind her being out late, that's a lie, but what was I supposed to say if I'm moving on?. I mind being woken up in the mornings and at night. I asked her to address that and do whatever she needed to give me space. She wasn't really listening to the request. She wanted to fight about it and I gave her a fight. She then told me she is going to be out late again tonight and would need to come in to get things for in the morning. I asked her to get them now before she left to make sure she didn't have to bother me. She hemmed and hawed mentioned me cleaning the bathroom again and said she didn't have time. I told her I could take care of it and she snapped and told me not to touch her things. 

Then she stomps off down stairs, gets breakfast and talks to the kids for a bit. Then here she comes again. Knocks on the door this time, yay!, and I tell her she can come in. She sits down on the bed and we have basically the same conversation again without yelling at each other and agreeing that something needed to change.

I'm seeing during this that I was upset about her being out. That I didn't like her coming into the room without knocking and that she immediately blames me for not cleaning up the kids bathroom. Its frustrating.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

Oh wow! I understand from your earlier posts that you still need to live together for legal reasons, however, it can't be easy for you to heal and work on yourself with her there, constantly reminding you that you've been replaced. Is there anyway that you can minimize contact? For example, setting the boundary-asking her to respect your privacy, and then leaving it at that. No argument, no conversation about it.
I know, easier said than done. I'm not sure I would be strong enough to take my own advice if I were in your situation.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

It isn't easy. Especially with her living in our daughters room and my daughter going in there to get cloths, leaving the door open. I go to close it and see sexy underwear strewn on the floor. It occurred to me when I saw that, it wouldn't have even registered last year this time. Now I'm genuinely disgusted. I had to help her Thursday night because she twisted her ankle badly. I've had a lot of experience with ankle injuries and had to wrap it and tie a support boot on it. She got the injury from going hiking with dip**** 2 times last week. I did it, because she needed to go to work. Having her out of the house is a lot better than in it. I work from home.

I'm mostly keeping to myself, but there are moments of weakness and she is completely running over me. I've resolved to leave next week for her days M,W,F. I'll be around on Tues, Thurs for my time with the kids. 

After this mornings argument, I sat down and went through the legal paper work her lawyer sent to mine. I made all of my notes and corrections then sent them to my lawyer. I want this done. I wanted it done back in June, but that was when she started singing a different tune. Self-Sabotage is getting the best of me right now. I'm mad, sulking, and a skunk to be around. I'm keeping away from the kids. Letting them watch a movie and working myself into a better mood.


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