# Want to connect with others who can help



## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

So I have been separated since the beginning of last year although it's complex and my husband has very complex mental health issues. I need to move on and hopefully Lord willing I will meet someone who I will feel that friendship and connection with again. 
I don't want to rush myself and want to be with someone one day but I think being friends with someone first is probably the best thing to do when or if this does happen.

I was with my husband for 18 years. I'm 34 and feel way out of my comfort zone. 
Times are so different and I really don't know how to be around people anymore. 

I just feel so lonely and want a friend who understands me and me them. Mutual respect and care for each other.
Am I still grieving the loss of my marriage or is this part of the process and I'm beginning to be ready to move on? 
I'm in completely new territory here and completely lost. 

I'm left with 4 children ( my negative thoughts tell me who would want to have all that baggage) I have a grandchild soon to be born in 10 weeks and the feeling of emptiness and sadness from being alone iqmd doing it all alone is so overwhelming. 
2 children with additional needs. AUTISM, ADHD, SENSORY PROCESSING DISORDER. 
I'm happier when I'm around people. 
but genuinely feel like no one would want us as we aren't exactly easy with the additional needs of my children and baggage left from the traumatic separation from my husband. 
Divorce is ongoing but i have to apply for doing it without him as he refuses to sign . 
I just want to move on with my life. 
Can anyone relate?
Or is anyone going through similar stuff that would maybe want to connect?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hi Jennifer

I feel for you. My marriage ended very suddenly after 23 years and I was left with 3 very hurting children{teens}. I too often felt over whelmed and just wished I had someone who could just come and take over. I had to carry on for the children, they had no one else. My then husband didn't have the children, so I had no respite. My parents were sadly dead, both died pretty young. 
I didn't feel emotionally strong enough to start the divorce for 2 years after we separated, and that took about 9 months in all. It was 4 years after we separated before I felt ready to think of anyone else, and 2 more years till I met my now husband of 16 years. 

My faith helped a lot, mixing with others can help also. Do you have friends? Places you can go? Family?

Personally I would wait till you are divorced before you date again but that's just me. That would also give you time to recover more and heal better. 

Oh and yes, people will take on others with children etc. I know many in second marriages where there were children involved including us.


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## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> Hi Jennifer
> 
> I feel for you. My marriage ended very suddenly after 23 years and I was left with 3 very hurting children{teens}. I too often felt over whelmed and just wished I had someone who could just come and take over. I had to carry on for the children, they had no one else. My then husband didn't have the children, so I had no respite. My parents were sadly dead, both died pretty young.
> I didn't feel emotionally strong enough to start the divorce for 2 years after we separated, and that took about 9 months in all. It was 4 years after we separated before I felt ready to think of anyone else, and 2 more years till I met my now husband of 16 years.
> ...


Thank you for sharing that with me. 
I don't feel ready to be with anyone new yet but I have no family no frie do and like you was I am parenting all alone with zero help. 
My mum died just over a year ago so grieving her death and my marriage in one hit. 
My faith keeps me going and in him I put all my cares.

I haven't felt this much pain and just want it over with. 
I have suffered depression and now crippling anxiety. Panic attacks are awful 
I used to be such a happy woman 

Now all I do is cry and just get by. 
I think reaching out to Connie with others Is my way of looking for friendship. Not necessarily intimacy in a relationship but connection and friendship. 
I couldn't Evan imagine being with another anytime soon. Maybe that's normal at this stage I don't know. 
I just feel so alone. 
.I go to church every week and I love my church but I feel like something is missing. And it's me. I'm yearning fora deeper connection 

I have been thinking well I'm suffering. Its not for nothing. He uses it for good right. 
So I thought. Redemptive suffering. 
I enjoy helping others. 
It's one of the only things that brings me peace. Still working out the details but hoping to not only gain friendship but be a friend to others. 

Also how long will the memories haunt me. 
No matter where I go I see how my life was before my husbands mental ill ess and its so sad I can't even walk through our local town without crying 
Everything reminds me of him. 
I want it to just stop. The pain seems too much.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

It sounds to me like you are wishing for a new relationship to help you cope with the pain of your losses and the emotional stress of your life right now.

However, that's a BAD reason to have a relationship!! Being with another person takes a level of emotional effort and responsibility that it doesn't sound like you have available right now. You will have the best success with finding a special person for yourself if you are in a peaceful place emotionally, and have a healthy loving part of yourself to GIVE to another person.

If I were you (and I am, kind of!), I would look for support and healing, and wait until you feel more at ease and settled with yourself and your new life before you start searching for a new partner.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Just-Jennfer said:


> Thank you for sharing that with me.
> I don't feel ready to be with anyone new yet but I have no family no frie do and like you was I am parenting all alone with zero help.
> My mum died just over a year ago so grieving her death and my marriage in one hit.
> My faith keeps me going and in him I put all my cares.
> ...


It takes a long time, at least it did for me. 
I am so glad you have faith, it makes a difference even if we still feel very alone at times. 

Do you have friends at church? Is there a woman's group you could join?


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## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> It takes a long time, at least it did for me.
> I am so glad you have faith, it makes a difference even if we still feel very alone at times.
> 
> Do you have friends at church? Is there a woman's group you could join?


Yes we do weekly bible study too 
This is a blessing although with the children I'm not always able to go .


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Just-Jennfer said:


> Yes we do weekly bible study too
> This is a blessing although with the children I'm not always able to go .


That's good. I guess they know your situation?


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## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

LisaDiane said:


> It sounds to me like you are wishing for a new relationship to help you cope with the pain of your losses and the emotional stress of your life right now.
> 
> However, that's a BAD reason to have a relationship!! Being with another person takes a level of emotional effort and responsibility that it doesn't sound like you have available right now. You will have the best success with finding a special person for yourself if you are in a peaceful place emotionally, and have a healthy loving part of yourself to GIVE to another person.
> 
> If I were you (and I am, kind of!), I would look for support and healing, and wait until you feel more at ease and settled with yourself and your new life before you start searching for a new partner.


Thank you for your reply 

I am not looking to be with anyone intimately I think I'm looking for others who are going through similar and wanting to be able to talk to others who know what's it's like. 

My title to this thread is maybe misleading. And maybe me not explaining myself properly. 

I am in no state to take on anything new romantically at all. I agree and do not want that. 
But I would like to speak with others who are going through or been through similar life changes. 


I love my church family and they are all beautiful souls. But I feel they are all not able to really understand me as they have happy marriages. Or at least still together and have completely different issues. If any. 
No children with additional needs. 
There lives seem perfect. ( I know there not ) 
Just my own insecurity taking over. 

I realise that's not the case and they will have there own issues. As we all do but in this context. I feel maybe others who are in the same if not similar may be able to understand and help or qt least I will be able to receive that help and advice better from others who I feel actually have been through similar situations. 
If that makes sense.


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## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> That's good. I guess they know your situation?


Yes they are aware of my families struggles. 

Life is super complicated we all have our burdens I guess right.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I hope you're not thinking of taking on the additional responsibility of your grandchild. It's just the way you mentioned it made it sound like a fifth child. You should definitely let the parents take care of that child because your hands are full. 

I would suggest getting on Google and making inquiries in finding any kind of support you can that is groups who also have special needs children. And of course there are programs and schools for that depending on where you live. So you might need to make it a priority to be sure you end up living near where there is that kind of support. 

You might get social services involved because they know of some resources that everybody else doesn't necessarily know about and will make sure that you get anything you're qualified for. 

I think you need to plan to be on this road alone because there's certainly no guarantee of any other way and then just fine professional resources to help.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Just-Jennfer said:


> Thank you for your reply
> 
> I am not looking to be with anyone intimately I think I'm looking for others who are going through similar and wanting to be able to talk to others who know what's it's like.
> 
> ...


This makes complete sense to me. I'm not sure most of them could understand your situation at all.
Have you checked out any divorce groups in your area? Some of those are really helpful for people!


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## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I hope you're not thinking of taking on the additional responsibility of your grandchild. It's just the way you mentioned it made it sound like a fifth child. You should definitely let the parents take care of that child because your hands are full.
> 
> I would suggest getting on Google and making inquiries in finding any kind of support you can that is groups who also have special needs children. And of course there are programs and schools for that depending on where you live. So you might need to make it a priority to be sure you end up living near where there is that kind of support.
> 
> ...


Yes lots of organisations involved with supporting me with the children. 

They are taken care of. Happy and contented. They are my first priority. 

I know they are happy. So I'm trying to do something for me. Make friends ect..

They come first before me. Or any of my needs.

Obviously I look after myself so I am able to look after them. 

Just wanted to try and reach out to others. 
Can't hurt right.


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## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

LisaDiane said:


> This makes complete sense to me. I'm not sure most of them could understand your situation at all.
> Have you checked out any divorce groups in your area? Some of those are really helpful for people!


I tired to look for some divorce groups but couldn't find any. 

Just divorced dating groups and that's not really what I want or need right now


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Just-Jennfer said:


> Yes lots of organisations involved with supporting me with the children.
> 
> They are taken care of. Happy and contented. They are my first priority.
> 
> ...


Google divorce recovery workshop. Or DRW. Don't think I am allowed to give the link but you should find it. They run a good course in many places for those going through divorce or separation. A lot of churches run them.


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## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I hope you're not thinking of taking on the additional responsibility of your grandchild. It's just the way you mentioned it made it sound like a fifth child. You should definitely let the parents take care of that child because your hands are full.
> 
> I would suggest getting on Google and making inquiries in finding any kind of support you can that is groups who also have special needs children. And of course there are programs and schools for that depending on where you live. So you might need to make it a priority to be sure you end up living near where there is that kind of support.
> 
> ...



My daughter lives with me for now and will do for a good 6 months. U rill she can find a place of her own. Its her first baby and she wants help so I couldn't say no. Its hard to be a first time mum 

I have had 4 babies and it's knowledge I know she needs. So I will help her settle and hopefully she will find a place soon enough. I'm happy as all baby's are blessing but your right. I'm not sure that responsibility will be mine. But more of me showing her the ropes. So to speak.


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## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> Google divorce recovery workshop. Or DRW. Don't think I am allowed to give the link but you should find it. They run a good course in many places for those going through divorce or separation. A lot of churches run them.


Thank you so much. 

I will go have. Search. 

Bless you 🙏


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## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

Just-Jennfer said:


> Thank you so much.
> 
> I will go have. Search.
> 
> Bless you 🙏


So I have just looked. I actually came across this a few eeks back while searching online. 

Unfortunately not near my area. 

Thank you though. I have messegedbthem anyway see what comes of it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Just-Jennfer said:


> My daughter lives with me for now and will do for a good 6 months. U rill she can find a place of her own. Its her first baby and she wants help so I couldn't say no. Its hard to be a first time mum
> 
> I have had 4 babies and it's knowledge I know she needs. So I will help her settle and hopefully she will find a place soon enough. I'm happy as all baby's are blessing but your right. I'm not sure that responsibility will be mine. But more of me showing her the ropes. So to speak.


I think you need to explain to her that if she's going to live there, not only does she need to be taking care of her own baby but help you with your children and the household chores as well as keep a paying job as soon as possible and chipping in on your expenses. What you do not need is a fifth dependent right now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think you need to explain to her that if she's going to live there, not only does she need to be taking care of her own baby but help you with your children and the household chores as well as keep a paying job as soon as possible and chipping in on your expenses. What you do not need is a fifth dependent right now.


Trouble is if she gets a job then probably Jenny will be caring for the child while she works.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Trouble is if she gets a job then probably Jenny will be caring for the child while she works.


Which is why she needs to just get out and take care of her own self. There must be a father somewhere.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i am thinking a divorced or widowed guy with kids of his own would be actually LOOKING for someone like you. 
Not sure where you would find a guy like that though, they are probably NOT on dating sites actively looking.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> i am thinking a divorced or widowed guy with kids of his own would be actually LOOKING for someone like you.
> Not sure where you would find a guy like that though, they are probably NOT on dating sites actively looking.


We were both divorced with kids, we met on a dating site. 
Quite a few people on those sites had children.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> We were both divorced with kids, we met on a dating site.
> Quite a few people on those sites had children.


There you are!


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Is it possible to reconcile with your husband?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

thunderchad said:


> Is it possible to reconcile with your husband?


HORRIBLE IDEA. Have you read her other thread??


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## Laine (8 mo ago)

Just-Jennfer said:


> So I have been separated since the beginning of last year although it's complex and my husband has very complex mental health issues. I need to move on and hopefully Lord willing I will meet someone who I will feel that friendship and connection with again.
> I don't want to rush myself and want to be with someone one day but I think being friends with someone first is probably the best thing to do when or if this does happen.
> 
> I was with my husband for 18 years. I'm 34 and feel way out of my comfort zone.
> ...


I feel I am in a similar situation. I have recently filed for divorce, married 17 yrs, 2 kids. Also due to a complex mental illness. I'm wondering if that, alone, is part of your feeling so alone. Is it a situation where you feel you can't really share with your friends, what's truly going on? And you can't really vent or ask advice because it is so complicated that it really takes someone who KNOWS it (because they themselves have experienced it in some way) to even understand let alone give advice?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Not many men will be interested in a LTR with a woman who has multiple kids, with a daughter and newborn at home.

I didn’t understand whether you had 2 kids with special needs, or two grandkids. Special needs kids is going to shrink the playing field too.

The good news is you only need ONE.
They could be really easy to find or really hard. If you’re an introvert like me, it will be likely harder. If you’re anxious and stressed and worried, even harder.

anxiety and panic attacks? Those are awful. I had them during my divorce. Zoloft for a couple of months helped me.

It takes at least a couple of years to get over something as traumatic as a divorce.
Don’t be worried that you can’t find a guy because you have kids. You can. It happens all the time. 

Just take small steps every day to make your life better. You’ll feel better, it just takes tine. And the improvement is so slow you can’t notice it happening.

Until you’re happy and in a normal state of mind, you really don’t want to run into that special person. Get divorced, endure the pain. When you’re happy, he will come.

Dibt be afraid to see a doctor and get some help with that anxiety.


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