# online ea > reality?



## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Married three, together ten. Late 30s, no kids. 

He had EA for a month online without even seeing her. His sharing of accounts gave much more info to the ow because his full name is on his email so I'm sure she's seen him even if he didn't send stuff the minute he left our home. They met on a sexytimes site which he'd been on for much longer without my knowledge. Said he meant to tell me and that she was his soulmate when I confronted after a hunch led me to sappy emails between them. "Tried," for less than a month afterward with me ( the same time he said it took to fall in love with her), couldn't even last a day without giving her a reply to an email. Because sight unseen soulmate wins over very real, very hurt wife. 

Said he was in love with two women. Likened her to a drug. Confessed his entire online "things" since he went past the porn and cam girls I was completely indifferent about. I felt like most things he said (to me and about me to her) were cruel and rewrote history, like he was a completely different person. Can't call out any of the bs I see because he wouldn't listen anyway. 

He moved out three weeks ago and is pressing "us" to file for divorce less than 2 months from DDay. Wants to say we've been over 6 months already for uncontested. Six months ago I was pregnant. Lost that one. Dday was one week after the procedure for my second loss. Doesn't seem to understand I need time to process. Also, I feel pretty ****ty that one month of sexting/phone trumped years of relationship. 

He doesn't make close male friends easily | craves affection/ attention from the object of his desire, just isn't me anymore. Got ILYBINILWY, that I'm his best friend, and more secrecy and lies. Thinks he's a "good person who made mistakes" who doesn't want to lie to me or himself anymore. By the time he got to that point I didnt want to hear anything more. Even the things he says, that try to be diplomatic, wound. I get low-grade panic when he texts. Narc-ish, but more just self absorbed & naive with some things. OW's interactions I've read make me want to puke with how over the top needy they seem. 

He started ic after the move. I already had one, thankfully, who helped me through the first week when I thought everything was my fault and couldn't bridge the dissonance between what he was saying and what I remembered/felt. IC suggested I should look for signs of cheating because of the way WH was acting. All my friends think he's "going through something," "stupid," or an *******. If only my head and my heart would agree for like more than a few moments. 

There's so much more, but this is recognizable enough as it is if he even cared to look. I realize I have to detach more and move on no matter what he does. Some stupid part of me just wants him to really, truly know how much he hurt me, but I'm not going to hold my breath. 

Thanks for letting me vent.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

He's definitely got the traits of a narc. With people like that, it's best to go as much no contact with him as possible. 
I know you're conflicted between your head and heart, but your head is the logical one. 
Listen to that to at least help you get through the divorce.

You'll get through this. It will take time and tears, but it will eventually be worth it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm sorry you're here. I agree that going no contact since you don't have any kids together, sounds best. It's really sad, but a lot of people fall in love with online fantasies, even to the point of leaving their loving partners. If you read some of the threads on here, there are others going through similar things here, so you're not alone. Hope that things get better for you, soon.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Getting your heart aligned with your head is not an easy process. The heart tries hard to hold on even when it shouldn't. There's just no quick way to deal with this. I wish there were.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Whenever I would get upset in the days before he left he would have a crying fit. So loud, wailing to the point of me having to comfort him. He would assume this wounded animal position and vacillate between saying how much I'd hurt him and how he'd ruined the relationship. I felt like I couldn't be upset without him saying / acting "me too" until it became "me more."

He said forever that he needed/could have sex every day multiple times a day so in the aftermath of dday, during the brief hysterical bonding phase, we did. I stupidly tried to show him I could keep up with the extreme of his kink and libido willingly. He has this idealized view of marriage, sex and relationships where everything is in a soft haze, without focus. Thinks if you're not 100% present at all times during the act then you are living a lie. 

Rewrote history telling me he was never sure of us, didn't know if he wanted to marry me when he proposed, and that he lost the passion for me. Would pepper in lines about how beautiful I was during xyz and that he'd alway be there for me. FOO supports him, obviously, but that doesn't mean I don't wish there was someone on his side to give him a dose of reality. He's moving fast for me and I'm not getting with the program fast enough for him 

Made disparaging comments about me in terms of culture: that he'd never truly feel like he belonged and asked "is it racist if...?" his preference was different from me and that maybe he married me just to prove something?! Any mention of current new events that were sad or weren't tech related got met with meh and resentment for the way I brought it up. 

Said I needed to "catch up" in terms of fitness (we make similar salaries, he's a step up on the corporate ladder) so I could be the arm candy of his dreams and he could be the envy of every man in the room as we walked by. I'd hoped he'd "catch up" in maturity but accepted him as he was. Maybe I didn't? It's so hard to remember things clearly with my mind all a jumble, but I'm very accepting of a lot just maybe unable to hide disappointment towards the ones I care for most. 

Got accused of intimidating and belittling him. That just because I did certain things for him didn't mean he was incapable though I didn't say he was. I said, "ok, do them." I've been told he looked to me for guidance and that he's ascribed a maternal role to me in his life. Every thing he did he would tell me after the fact as if looking for my ok (the move, the hurtful things he could say though there are more he couldn't).

So NC is best and there's no hope of him realizing how much he hurt me? I mean I guess I'm answering my own question because it feels better when we don't talk, if I'm not crying over what I've lost. I felt like I was a prize until reality became too much to bear and now all my faults outweigh the good.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: online ea &amp;gt; reality?*

Honestly, if he's that unhappy about so many things about you, why would you want to stay with him anyway? 

He's love-bombing you. A narcissist does that as a character assassinating and history rewriting tool, to justify why you are less than the "perfect" they want to see. Also, look up DARVO. 

Problem is, you are who you are. Either he loves you for that or not, and I think he's more apt to love himself and cling to his grandiose ideals about what you should be than accept the reality. 

Arm candy... Pfffft! You can do a lot better, don't doubt that for a second.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Execute "the 180" and duly prepare yourself for the eventual split! You deserve the love and devotion of a far better man who will unequivocally love you for the woman who you truly are!

I am so very sorry that this is happening to you at this juncture of your life!*


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

*Re: online ea &amp;gt; reality?*



Satya said:


> Honestly, if he's that unhappy about so many things about you, why would you want to stay with him anyway?
> 
> He's love-bombing you. A narcissist does that as a character assassinating and history rewriting tool, to justify why you are less than the "perfect" they want to see. Also, look up DARVO.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I guess because I thought he couldn't actually mean them and that he'd snap out of it. No one around me who saw us interact for years, who saw how much I cared and looked out for him even when we were separate, could believe the person I described and my husband were the same man. ( he stayed home much more than I did. I have a lot more friends and friend circles and knew he was shy around some, like work, so wouldn't push. I did always wish for him to have more, true friends ) 

I am already doing minimal contact (read about the 180 and took the non pick me parts for my own) just about finances and stating I need more time before we file. I probably just wanted confirmation but wished a little that someone would rush in and say, "hey this will all work out and he might never be the man you thought you knew again, but he could still come back and love you better, be stronger than before." Heh. 

He's always said he could sympathize, but not empathize with my feelings even before all this and that he sees people as a tool to get ahead or make himself look better. I thought I was immune till I lost my usefulness in his eyes.

And I'm supposed to be the glass half empty one because I bring a dose of reality to his flights of fancy. I thought I had to bear witness to all his confessions because then I could get to know all of him and decide from there. That left me wrecked, and, though I am curious about his newfound truths, I don't want to know anymore. I'd heard of love bombing before but not DARVO. Looked it up and I feel it may apply though I'm forgetful about some things too so I don't know if i may have done it in to him in the past ( I try to find anything wrong with me to explain his ire) or it was just my depression clouding things. 

The way he said things had me questioning my sanity and how I could have been so horrible to drive him to this. I know it was his choice, but, at the time right before dday, I thought perhaps I made him miserable. I wish he would have just said something till I realized. I've been told this is a normal reaction, but that you can't force cheating. 

I've always liked solitude but I've never truly lived on my own: parents or dorms or roommates or him so it takes some adjustment. When I can stop the dreams and mind movies I can almost enjoy it. I just wish there was a fast forward button for me. Zoom past the excruciating bits and get to the awesome.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband never was really your husband because he is not husband material.

When I was a child I read a story about some scientists who developed a method for turning soil into food.

They put some soil in it, made a banana and gave it to the pet monkey of a child.

The monkey took a bite and became very angry.

It transpired that the scientists had done all sorts of tests on the food, except a taste test.

The banana still tasted of dirt.

And that is the problem with your husband.

He looks like a husband but he is still just made out of dirt.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

You know, I felt like he was in love with the idea of being an ideal husband more than the reality. But i still do question myself: if I drove him to unhappiness which brought out his _extra fun_ qualities. I'm not the most affectionate in kissy-snuggly or constantly verbal ways. I show my affection by doing... little things, big things, I give. Languages of love and all that. It wasn't all bad, just now that he said those things I have to question our entire history.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

growing_weary said:


> Some stupid part of me just wants him to really, truly know how much he hurt me, but I'm not going to hold my breath.


Growing,

It isn't going to make you feel any better, but I'm guessing that most of us don't believe that our WS's get the extent of the pain they cause(d) us and may never do so. And those that eventually do get it, have to put a truly extraordinary effort into developing empathy. And from how you describe him, I'm thinking that empathy is never going to be a part of your husband's skillset. Your pain is real and deep. You don't need him to validate it. But you know that already.

The re-writing history bit? It sucks. Truly and deeply. The only way that I can get through it is to remind myself that no-one else can tell me how to remember or understand my memories. That they still have value to me because they had meaning to the me that was. Suddenly doubting what your husband was thinking or feeling long ago, during times that meant so much to you? It doesn't change what you felt then. Or the meaning that it had to you. Cheaters tell lies (especially to themselves) to minimise their guilt. My husband doubled the damage trying to re-write our past so that he could have a good reason for doing what he did. ("I never really loved you then" etc. etc.) It is far, far more likely that your husband is lying to himself now (and therefore to you) than that your mutual past and happiness is a lie.

The things that you write about your husband say that you are seeing him clearly and objectively. This is good. Your commitment to your marriage aside, you seem very well-rid of him. A man who needs you to be less so that he can be more? Stand back and let his little balloon rise because you are no longer there to ground him. I believe helium balloons pop at an altitude of around 10km - when the material they are made from fails because it is too weak.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Thanks Mizzbak. My therapist says when things happen this quickly, as my husband is trying to zoom through they tend to crash just as quickly. It just astounds me how much a WS can gas themselves up and lemming off a cliff of their own design. I felt I always saw him clearly, but accepted him as is. I just thought he was giving me the same benefit of the doubt. He took my realism as pessimism, my grounding as a downer, my care as appreciated (but not needed as much as ego stroking), my comfort as oppression. Part of my dumb ass still wants the motherf...er. So... working on it. 

I've always been shy/picky/standoffish in the normal "hunting grounds" of bars & clubs. I actually met him online in a game (was not looking). I've never had to do the intricate mating rituals in the wild because this, my most serious relationship, just fell in my lap after a long period of interacting together in PVP. When we met in person, I was like woah, tall, good-looking guy who games and is not only interested, but caring? score! Little did I know...


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

I'm sorry you are going through this.

It's normal to feel like the affair is your fault. I think almost every betrayed spouse goes through these feelings. It also doesn't help that your husband is making ridiculous excuses to justify what he has done. It is common for the WS to make up bull crap to make them feel like their immoral behavior is justified and that the "relationship was dead anyways." Try not to listen to it but I know from experience it is hard. You didn't deserve any of this, even if there is a smidgen of proof in what he says (which I doubt). There were other options he could have used, and he picked the worst one.

Keep up the IC and start working on yourself. Keep busy. Don't focus right now on finding another person or even thinking of that. Focus on healing your heart, fixing yourself to be the type of person YOU can feel good about (not him, or anyone else), and getting through each day. It will get a little easier as time goes by. 

Personally I think you should talk to an attorney to see if you can separate your finances yet. I'd want to have as little contact with him as possible... Have you guys started working on the divorce yet (I'm not sure if you have mentioned this)? If not I'd have him served with papers now. You won't fully feel like this is behind you until the divorce is final. The faster the divorce happens I think the better you will feel.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

growing_weary said:


> Whenever I would get upset in the days before he left he would have a crying fit. So loud, wailing to the point of me having to comfort him. He would assume this wounded animal position and vacillate between saying how much I'd hurt him and how he'd ruined the relationship. I felt like I couldn't be upset without him saying / acting "me too" until it became "me more."
> 
> He said forever that he needed/could have sex every day multiple times a day so in the aftermath of dday, during the brief hysterical bonding phase, we did. I stupidly tried to show him I could keep up with the extreme of his kink and libido willingly. He has this idealized view of marriage, sex and relationships where everything is in a soft haze, without focus. Thinks if you're not 100% present at all times during the act then you are living a lie.
> 
> ...



GW, I am so so sorry for what you are going through. Instead of him being a comfort to you during losing your babies, he is being a real bast**d as it's all about him. He sounds a bit screwed up to be honest and is possibly a narcissist. Does he have trouble from his childhood cause that level of neediness is away off the charts. 
Stop comforting him, call him out for what he is and do not let him rewrite history. Contact your family, friends and his family and let them know what has happened, with the pregnancies, his cheating, all of it. Let everyone know what is going on (there is no shame there) and ask for support as you move on.

Continue with therapy, thank God you didn't have kids with this man, they would end up being very warped. You are still in your 30's time to meet someone else who is a decent man.

This OW is welcome to him, it will not last and I guarantee he will run back to you, do not let him. Go no contact and go see a lawyer, have the papers drawn up. Your WH is so messed up that he is not capable of being in a healthy mature relationship. Let him discover that there is no woman on earth who will put up with that crap.

Take care of yourself, lean on family and friends, get good sleep and exercise and try and get out more.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

aine said:


> GW, I am so so sorry for what you are going through. Instead of him being a comfort to you during losing your babies, he is being a real bast**d as it's all about him. He sounds a bit screwed up to be honest and is possibly a narcissist. Does he have trouble from his childhood cause that level of neediness is away off the charts.
> Stop comforting him, call him out for what he is and do not let him rewrite history. Contact your family, friends and his family and let them know what has happened, with the pregnancies, his cheating, all of it. Let everyone know what is going on (there is no shame there) and ask for support as you move on.
> 
> Continue with therapy, thank God you didn't have kids with this man, they would end up being very warped. You are still in your 30's time to meet someone else who is a decent man.
> ...


Thanks. I am doing all the "right things." It still hurts like a *****. His childhood was pretty normal/fortunate I guess, but he does have a narc-ish mom and is an only child. I got along more with his aunts than his mom in terms of personality. 

I am (we are) < 3 years from 40 and my eggs are getting AARP in the mail so that's a worry. I might freeze them so I don't have to rush. 

I'm not sure if he cares yet if no _one_ woman will put up with it. I think he realized he could easily get a line of eager, younger, thinner women for the short term (if ow doesn't work out) attracted to his good looks, sensitive guy mode, and money. 

he'll be coming to get the last of his stuff out of our apartment this weekend. Anything else I will give to goodwill.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

So that sucked. He apologized for saying and doing what he did before he left, but then sorta doubled down by saying they were all probably true and they came out in anger/emotion except for the not being in love with me part. He told me I was still beautiful, and I couldn't shut my mouth, so I said, "but I don't match up to your ideal partner in your power couple." All the stuff that he wanted to take is gone so I shouldn't have to see him for a while. 

I still _had_ to tell him that I felt his path was wrong even if I agreed that divorce was inevitable at the moment. He said he misses our friendship and has some idea that we could still be friends after all this is over. I told him I don't think that's possible. I said that I don't want to, because I know it's not the best way to heal. Plus, I know any person he'd be with next wouldn't want that. He looked hurt. I even mentioned his previous gfs/fwb and I asked him, "and do you still talk to any of them?" I know our marriage/relationship was way more/longer than all of them combined, but it's a little sad to see how naive he is about this. I told him I was probably one of the few sad sacks who would allow stuff like that. 

Like he's so confident this is the right thing for him, maybe I should believe that it is. It doesn't feel right to me, any of it. Even if i know it's best to move on, or that it's not my problem no matter what he does once we are divorced. I might have regressed by seeing him today. Oh well. 

Still working out every day. By the time we have to appear in person for the divorce I want to be the tightest I've ever been in my life. Brick house will be playing in the background.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Growing,

Imagine the freedom when you will look at him and feel nothing except the smallest sadness felt for any past lover. 
Long gone. 
Almost forgotten.
Entirely unimportant in your life. 
He is not worth you.

Strength.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

So I got through the moth of anniversaries and thought I was feeling ok about it all. One email after half a month of absolutely no contact still made my heart jump. I've since taken his email out of the VIP section on my phone so it shouldn't pop up like a notification when I'm actively on it anymore. Mostly full of how he felt and "handled" our anniversaries, what he did in the interim, plus a sprinkling of financial stuff at the end. I hate myself for getting upset even if it's only been 2/3 months separation/dday. 

Trying to not let it affect me. Wanted to go see the Detroit movie today, but it's only going to make me angry, so I will just hit the gym and chill for the rest. I post more in the private members section about details but there's not much traction there. Don't know why I need someone to respond to me anyway. 

Enough rambling.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

growing_weary said:


> Still working out every day. By the time we have to appear in person for the divorce I want to be the tightest I've ever been in my life. Brick house will be playing in the background.


HAHAHA I laughed out loud at your imagery! You've inspired me to add the song to my work-out playlist growing_weary :smile2:

Hang in there honey, you already know you're going to be ok. Feel the pain (and the burn lol) and believe that you will indeed be stronger and better for it in the end. AND with a sense of humor like yours, your battles are won.


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## smokefire05 (Aug 24, 2017)

Google "chump lady" go to her site, there you will find our strength and clarity. I was acting like a chump with spackling issues but I found clarity.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

smokefire05 said:


> Google "chump lady" go to her site, there you will find our strength and clarity. I was acting like a chump with spackling issues but I found clarity.


Thanks. I read her site weekly. I'm still at the point where I'm doing most of the right things but still have moments of misery.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He's an idiot.
When his fantasyland comes crashing down and reality hits, he's going to come begging. 
Please, don't take him back. He'll say in his sweetest voice "I made a mistake"....
Tell him no, you made a CHOICE. 

But he will find that when you finally lose feelings for him, they're likely gone forever, no matter what. Just the nature of a woman.

I assure you that he will be the one suffering over this idiotic mistake. Internet romance and real life have about as much in common as........
They're different, lol


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