# Women's Needs...



## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

This is a question for the ladies...

I am reading the book "His Needs Her Needs" and learning alot. one of the 5 needs for a woman is the needs for financial security. I understand it is not about the money, it is about security. 

so, in my case my marriage fell apart when my income vanished. Now, last year after supporting myself and my fiance' 100%, that business failed and she had to get a full time job. I failed to respnd quickly and get a new job. So in November she called off the engagment and asked me to move out. This then forced her to have to go to her ex husband for financial support and emotional support as well. 


​so ladies, does that mean this woman only loved me for my funancial suppoort? and when I couldn't support us she no longer wants me? What can I do? I have a new job and I am doing well but the damage is done. What do I do next time from a woman's point of view​?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

As a woman and a mother of 3 daughters the financial support that most concerns us that a husband be able to support his family, even though my daughters have or will have good careers. They want to have the option open to them once they start a family, that they can stay home with their baby. My middle daughter has already stated she plans to be a SAHM until her youngest is off the school full time. In that light, she broke up with her past BF because he had no drive to complete his education and no ambition and was drifting through life. Fun guy, but not a guy you want t see your daughter married to.

So that would be my advice. Be the guy you would want your own daughter to marry.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

To me financial support means.. I know that you are my rock. I know that if we fall down, you will do everything you can to stand back up. My H and I both work full time jobs and side jobs. If he were to lose his job, would I leave him, NO. But as my rock, I would expect him to be out looking for something else every day until he found something. Finding other ways to earn a few bucks here and there to help us out until we were able to stand again. I want to know we are in it together and will work through everything together and come out stronger.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

From a couple of your other threads:



loverguy said:


> In March I screwed up financially and my income dropped enormously. My Girlfriend and I were living together. I am very ashamed and embarrassed to say this, but I abandoned her, moved out and just left her to fend for herself. I helped some with her move, but I more or less walked away and did not do what I should of to help her out. I know, very bad and very stupid, I feel horrible.





loverguy said:


> First thing that I really messed up on was to ask her to marry me, we set a wedding date and then we couldn't make it happen because of finances. We sent a second date and that one had the same results. She was crushed. She already bought a wedding dress and written out vows.
> 
> Then when my business failed I did not take responsibility and left her holding the bag. I moved out and She had to arrange to move and get a new apartment for her self and I did not step up.



So, I'm not sure it makes sense to correlate her leaving you after two cancelled wedding dates and your abandonment with "she only wanted me for my money". You, she, and your entire relationship seem to have been something of a train wreck. 

No, a good woman will not fall out of love with you just because you lost your job. But pretty much any woman will fall out of love with you if you prove flakey in keeping your promises of marriage and leave her to fend for herself when things get hard. What women want, on average, is to feel safe - financially, emotionally and physically safe. What you did with your fiancée was the opposite of that, in all ways. Next time, from a woman's point of view, I think you should not flake out on or abandon your partner.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

loverguy said:


> so, in my case my marriage fell apart when my income vanished. ..This then forced her to have to go to her ex husband for financial support and emotional support as well.


On your other threads you clearly state that your wife never got over her exhusband and carried on an inappropriate relationship with him for years.

Now you say she left you for him only because she needed his money.

Are you making this stuff up? It's the only reasonable conclusion I can come up with.



loverguy said:


> More innapropriate stuff with her ex husband. The real issue is that she still wants to be with her ex. After 8 years. I guess I knew it but in a fit of emotions she finally admitted it. And she has said point blank she doesn't want me. The thing is that he only uses her and leads her on. They will never be together.
> 
> For over 2 years I've watched this innapropriate relationship between them. It was never x rated until our breakup and about January. I will not be second choice. I cannot compete when her heart belongs to her ex husband. This sucks!
> Anyone have experience with this ??


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

No I'm not making it up. Yes she's had this innapropriate thing with her ex. When I was supporting her she was silent with him. But when she needs his help she does all that. Whether we are together or not. Before I supported her her ex husband was when we first started dating. She was innapropriate then as well. 

I'm not really asking for opinions so I can get back with her. More like trying to understand where I failed with her and my ex wife. 

I think my biggest mistake was not getting off my ass fast enough to find new ways to make money.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why do you think that this one need defines your entire relationship? I don't think you're learning as much as you think you are if that's what you really think.

Everyone is different, and no book is definitive. Use it as a guide, not as a bible.

My need for financial security is low, while my need for sexual satisfaction is high. Different people rate different needs differently. The whole point of the book is to learn what's important in your current relationship. You aren't IN a current relationship. So next time you are, figure out what her needs are and then tend to them as far as you can without compromising your OWN needs.

It sounds to me like you need someone who DOESN'T need much financial security.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Agreed. Even if I didn't fail financially. Both relationships were doomed. 

But I am learning fur the future. 
Other needs such as intimate conversation and affection without sex are areas I need to improve on


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

loverguy said:


> I think my biggest mistake was not getting off my ass fast enough to find new ways to make money.


Your biggest mistake was getting involved with a girl who was still involved with her ex. Your second biggest mistake was not dumping her the moment you found out.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

loverguy said:


> I failed to respnd quickly and get a new job.


This would be my issue with you.
When you lose a job, you should make it a full time job to find a job.


Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

It's so important to build up a savings to cover emergencies (such as losing a job). 

The reason WHY you lost a job would be important to me. If you lost it out of no control of your own (sickness, layoff), then I would have a lot more patience and understanding. However, if you lost it because you were screwing around (tardiness, calling off to play games or watch TV, just not doing your job because of lack of motivation or having a 'don't give a s**t' attitude) then It would impact my respect for you. 

However,regardless of the reason, it's important how active you are in looking for employment. Of course, your location (larger cities usually have more opportunities) and type of work you do have huge impacts in how successful and how quickly you are able to get a new job. 

Financial security is very important to me. While I don't think that I'd be out the door if my spouse didn't make a lot of money, I wouldn't be compatible with someone that wasn't SMART about money. Be aware of what you spend, what you're saving, find a good balance of spending on splurges but saving money too, think about retirement, plan for the unexpected. I have to have the financial stability in my marriage. Without that, it would be too stressful for me.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

loverguy said:


> funancial suppoort


I think you may have coined a new term.

The other snippets of your story are more telling.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

loverguy said:


> This is a question for the ladies...
> 
> I am reading the book "His Needs Her Needs" and learning alot. one of the 5 needs for a woman is the needs for financial security. I understand it is not about the money, it is about security.
> 
> ...


Don't look at it from a "woman's" PoV. Look at it from THAT woman's PoV. By that I mean, choose a woman who values partnership. That said, "I failed to respnd quickly and get a new job." indicates that you may have been failing in your responsibility to remain gainfully employed. Don't do that again.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Yes I am aware of my mistakes. She told me had I acted sooner, not flaked on her that we would stil be together. 

I am back on my feet and gave up my failed business. Im still in the same field of executive recruiting and working for an established company. 

I don't see any way she'll forgive me. She's s hurt by it all


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Rowan said:


> From a couple of your other threads:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Woops. Kinda missed that. Dude? Dude! 



> No, a good woman will not fall out of love with you just because you lost your job. But pretty much any woman will fall out of love with you if you prove flakey in keeping your promises of marriage and leave her to fend for herself when things get hard. What women want, on average, is to feel safe - financially, emotionally and physically safe. What you did with your fiancée was the opposite of that, in all ways. Next time, from a woman's point of view, I think you should not flake out on or abandon your partner.


From anyone's point of view?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

loverguy said:


> ​so ladies, does that mean this woman only loved me for my funancial suppoort? and when I couldn't support us she no longer wants me? What can I do? I have a new job and I am doing well but the damage is done. What do I do next time from a woman's point of view​?


Great question! I to only feel my only duty in marriage is to be my wife's ATM. When I lost my job there was A LOT of pressure put on me to find something else...NOW!!! It seems I had no right to expect anything from her...such as maybe an ounce of support as I was trying to find work?? I felt like if I just gave up and we lost everything, the house, the cars and she divorced me, I'd be in no worse shape, there would be nothing left for her to take. I just don't like my role in marriage, I'm just a little more than a frickin' ATM for someone. 

No adult should have any right to depend on someone else for financial security. That should be the responsibility of both parties in a marriage.


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## wellseasoned (Jan 8, 2016)

My wife makes and has made 4 times the money I make or made throughout our 25 year marriage.
I think the important thing in marriage is that you both actually love each other.
Money will not add one more day to your lives. Money will not save you on a sinking ship. 

Money does not create happiness or security because one day you have money but the next you may not have any.:wink2:


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Ok folks. I got it. 
Is there anything I can do to get her to trust me again.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

loverguy said:


> Ok folks. I got it.
> Is there anything I can do to get her to trust me again.


WHY? What's the point? She's done with you. Move on, dude! LEARN from your mistakes with her, and better yourself so that in your next relationship you get it right.

Start by knowing when to let go, and knowing when to NOT let go.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Well she's still talking to me. She reached out today and yesterday. I know she's lonely. I know she wants to trust me but is scared she will get hurt again. 

For now I've asked to take her to dinner this weekend. She said she would think about it. I'm just being nice and be there if she needs my help.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

loverguy said:


> Well she's still talking to me. She reached out today and yesterday. I know she's lonely. I know she wants to trust me but is scared she will get hurt again.
> 
> For now I've asked to take her to dinner this weekend. She said she would think about it. I'm just being nice and be there if she needs my help.


What? Did her exH find a new woman and stop giving her attention and financial assistance?

Wanna know how to stop a ping pong ball from going back and forth? Put down your paddle and walk away from the game.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

loverguy said:


> Ok folks. I got it.
> Is there anything I can do to get her to trust me again.


Unfortunately, you don't.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Why is everyone so quick to say give up. Leave. 

Look folks. It took me 8 years and god knows he many dates to find this woman and fall in love. Finding love is s hard thing to do. 

We have both made mistakes. But I'm really the screw up. 

I guess I'm just not done. I said I would walk away when I could say I gave it my very best. I haven't done thAt yet


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

loverguy said:


> Why is everyone so quick to say give up. Leave.
> 
> Look folks. It took me 8 years and god knows he many dates to find this woman and fall in love. Finding love is s hard thing to do.


Because she's in love with her ex. She had sex with her ex as recently as 2 years ago if I'm reading your post correctly. She's into him more than she's into you. You're competing with her ex. You've been competing with her ex for as long as you've known her. She says "she doesn't want you". 

That's more than enough reason.



loverguy said:


> But over the weekend I had stuff happened that has changed everything. More innapropriate stuff with her ex husband. The real issue is that she still wants to be with her ex. After 8 years. I guess I knew it but in a fit of emotions she finally admitted it. And she has said point blank she doesn't want me.
> 
> For over 2 years I've watched this innapropriate relationship between them. It was never x rated until our breakup and about January. I will not be second choice. I cannot compete when her heart belongs to her ex husband.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

The bottom line is that I flaked out on her and bailed out leaving her to clean up a huge mess. 

We had a long talk on the phone last night. I laid it all out. She says she misses me but won't see me. I'm living my life and if she comes around then great. 

Whether I get another shot with her or another woman I sure know what. It to do


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I am more traditional I would say. But for me, the financial security is huge, and honestly has less to do with how much you make Bc I have a great job but it has everything to do with how I view you as a respectable man. I know this is harsh I'm sorry. But a man without a job to me is... I don't know just wrong, and kind of disgusting and lazy. If your inbetween jobs that's different. But if you can't hold down a job, or are frequently getting new jobs or go a long time without a job... This is such a red flag that you are not stable. A women, I need my man to be my rock and have stability.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Yes all true. I have a good stable job now. She told me thru text yesterday that when I can be her man and support her that we can talk. She says that it is only one thing that I need to change, but I know it's a very big issue.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

loverguy said:


> This is a question for the ladies...
> 
> I am reading the book "His Needs Her Needs" and learning alot. one of the 5 needs for a woman is the needs for financial security. I understand it is not about the money, it is about security.
> 
> ...



financial security is important in a potential male mate because if they want to have kids they are taken care of and it shows the man can be depended on, it does not matter if he earns more or the same but that he is not depending on the female and he shows some responsibility. Not bothering to get a job shows lack of leadership and responsibility.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

OK here's what I'm doing. I'm driving Lyft after work and weekends to help her financially. I sent her an email telling her this and also stating that there's no expectations to see her or anything. 
I'm sure she will see that I'm giving up my free time for her. It's the right thing to do.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> Great question! I to only feel my only duty in marriage is to be my wife's ATM. When I lost my job there was A LOT of pressure put on me to find something else...NOW!!! It seems I had no right to expect anything from her...such as maybe an ounce of support as I was trying to find work?? I felt like if I just gave up and we lost everything, the house, the cars and she divorced me, I'd be in no worse shape, there would be nothing left for her to take. I just don't like my role in marriage, I'm just a little more than a frickin' ATM for someone.
> 
> No adult should have any right to depend on someone else for financial security. That should be the responsibility of both parties in a marriage.


You seem so unhappy, why don't you divorce? It just seems like such a crappy way to spend your life.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

loverguy said:


> OK here's what I'm doing. I'm driving Lyft after work and weekends to help her financially. I sent her an email telling her this and also stating that there's no expectations to see her or anything.
> I'm sure she will see that I'm giving up my free time for her. It's the right thing to do.


I remember your story, and don't think that money was the issue. You walking out on her twice was the issue. It is like you are giving her a band aid, but really her ankle is sprained. It's a nice gesture, but you're ignoring what actually happened in the past.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> You seem so unhappy, why don't you divorce? It just seems like such a crappy way to spend your life.


I only wish that I could. There's several things that prevent me from doing this, perhaps the main thing is that I'm afraid for how she would treat the kids if she got custody which is pretty much a given. The other main thing is that I would never be able to pay her the child support and percentage of my salary she would get and be able to maintain a household that would be suitable to have the kids at least be able to visit me. Plus I absolutely refuse to give her to fitter away as she pleases what I have worked so hard all my life to earn. 

She is not a nice person both the kids and I hate her and she would undoubtedly do every she could just to get back at us. A life like this without her and a life with her I think would probably be just as horrible. I've talked about this with the kids and they want no part of getting stuck living with her. I know many have said that the court would let the kids decide who they live with but since after child support I would not be able to afford a place with separate bedrooms for each of them, they would stay with their mother. 

Believe me, I've been over this and over this and if there were any way possible for us to move the hell away from her we would have done so a long time ago.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

I think we got some messages mixed up. But I'm not married to her. We were engaged. If I'm very lucky she will give me a chance after all I did wrong


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> I only wish that I could. There's several things that prevent me from doing this, perhaps the main thing is that I'm afraid for how she would treat the kids if she got custody which is pretty much a given. The other main thing is that I would never be able to pay her the child support and percentage of my salary she would get and be able to maintain a household that would be suitable to have the kids at least be able to visit me. Plus I absolutely refuse to give her to fitter away as she pleases what I have worked so hard all my life to earn.
> 
> She is not a nice person both the kids and I hate her and she would undoubtedly do every she could just to get back at us. A life like this without her and a life with her I think would probably be just as horrible. I've talked about this with the kids and they want no part of getting stuck living with her. I know many have said that the court would let the kids decide who they live with but since after child support I would not be able to afford a place with separate bedrooms for each of them, they would stay with their mother.
> 
> Believe me, I've been over this and over this and if there were any way possible for us to move the hell away from her we would have done so a long time ago.


I'm sorry.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> I only wish that I could. There's several things that prevent me from doing this, perhaps the main thing is that I'm afraid for how she would treat the kids if she got custody which is pretty much a given. The other main thing is that I would never be able to pay her the child support and percentage of my salary she would get and be able to maintain a household that would be suitable to have the kids at least be able to visit me. Plus I absolutely refuse to give her to fitter away as she pleases what I have worked so hard all my life to earn.
> 
> She is not a nice person both the kids and I hate her and she would undoubtedly do every she could just to get back at us. A life like this without her and a life with her I think would probably be just as horrible. I've talked about this with the kids and they want no part of getting stuck living with her. I know many have said that the court would let the kids decide who they live with but since after child support I would not be able to afford a place with separate bedrooms for each of them, they would stay with their mother.
> 
> Believe me, I've been over this and over this and if there were any way possible for us to move the hell away from her we would have done so a long time ago.



Anyway to get her on a high-fat and cholesterol diet? Lots of butter and marbled steaks and cream filled pastries?

Plenty of booze? Encourage her to smoke(by absolutely forbidding smoking in the house) and suntan?

Discourage exercise, vitamins and regular doctor check-ups?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

loverguy said:


> I am reading the book "His Needs Her Needs" and learning alot. *one of the 5 needs for a woman is the needs for financial security.* I understand it is not about the money, it is about security.


Never known a man who didn't like to have a decent amount of cash in his wallet; and a healthy bank account. Not to get women; but to be able to buy whatever struck his fancy. To be able to be free and come and go as he pleases.

This "venal women are the ones who want money" is a projection onto women of an undesirable trait that men don't want to admit about themselves: greediness.

And it's projection onto women of a human, frail trait that men are scared to admit they have: the need for security.

That said, if any woman is unhappy with the amount of money that her husband makes; she can always go out and get a job. Or a second job, if she really wants a lot more stuff.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

loverguy said:


> I'm not really asking for opinions so I can get back with her. More like trying to understand where I failed with her and my ex wife.
> 
> I think my biggest mistake was not getting off my ass fast enough to find new ways to make money.


She didn't have a job before you lost yours?

Did you two have kids?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

notmyrealname4 said:


> This "venal women are the ones who want money" is a projection onto women of an undesirable trait that men don't want to admit about themselves: greediness.
> 
> And it's projection onto women of a human, frail trait that men are scared to admit they have: the need for security.
> 
> That said, if any woman is unhappy with the amount of money that her husband makes; she can always go out and get a job. Or a second job, if she really wants a lot more stuff.


When Harley talks about financial security, what he really means, IMO, is a man who is stable, dependable, and whom she can depend on in times of crisis. It's not about the money. It's about being someone she can count on. 

OP has proved that she cannot count on him.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

turnera said:


> When Harley talks about financial security, what he really means, IMO, is a man who is stable, dependable, and whom she can depend on in times of crisis. It's not about the money. It's about being someone she can count on.
> 
> OP has proved that she cannot count on him.




I see, thanks for elucidating.

But then, why doesn't Harley call it what it is? Don't call it "financial security", just call it "secure and dependable".

I'll be honest, turnera; I think it is about the money. There are a lot of greedy gals out there.

And it seems like there are even more men who won't admit how much they like money, _for themselves_.

How many times have you heard a rationalization like this:

"Men only work to get money to attract women"

"Men only like and drive fancy, souped up cars to get women"

Bunk^^^^^ on both counts.

Men LOVE; nice houses and living conditions, name brand clothes and especially pricey athletic shoes, good, solid expensive furniture, musical instruments and all the paraphernalia that goes with them (I'm thinking electric guitars), the ability to hop on a plane to go see friends/family _on a whim_, going to concerts and sporting events and getting choice tickets ........and so on and so forth.

There are also men who like expensive cologne, jewelry and gourmet food and alcohol. Not as many, but there are men who like these things and insist on the best.

Most of us are taught growing up that this is greedy, excessive, "the best things in life are free" ; while simultaneously being told that the ultimate sign of success is to have all these material goodies.

And as to men only acquiring upscale cars as a type of p*ssymobile? No way. Ever watched the Velocity channel?

Men project their own acute venality onto women.

And _most_ (not all) women mean "money", when they say "security".


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, you have to remember Harley's age. When he grew up, women did not work. Women TRULY depended on their men for financial security. As the times have changed, I believe that dependability - now that women are capable of leaving and earning a living - is what this need has transposed into.


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