# My SO hasn't had a sex drive in over a year



## NolaGurl (Dec 22, 2016)

Ok here goes nothing.... I am new here but I have been looking for a place to help me. I don't really have anyone to talk to about things.
A little background... we have been together for 4+years. It been a struggle to say the least! We have broken up a few times because in the beginning he was extremely jealous, would get mad if we didn't have sex when he wanted to but had no idea how to initiate it, anger issues, passive aggressive, and mood swings.
Well, the last time we broke up which was 2 thanksgivings ago we got back together because I couldn't stand seeing him with another woman. I called him he left her and came back and been here ever since. We are best friends, when we are good we are amazing! But when we are bf we are awful! Our main issue ....COMMUNICATION! He will not talk about ANYTHING! 
But to get to the point about a 2 years ago he went on Prozac for 9 months, he got off of them suddenly and ever since he has completely lost his sex drive but that's not all! He was only on these meds 9 months and currently been off of them for over a year and there is no romance, no gentle touch, no real feelings, no sex, no jealous (and a I mentioned he was insanely irrationally jealous), no more passion for anything. 
We have had multiple arguments because we cant even talk about things cause like I said he won't! He admits and knows his is not giving me what I need sexually, mentally, physically which makes him with withdraw even more. But I can't deal much longer! I want to fix things but I can't and he just says he doesn't know how to fix it! When I ask him why? Or what should we do or what do u feel the answer is always the same... I Don't know! 
We have been to dr., chevked blood work testosterone, and nothing! 
Any input? I'm at a complete loss 

And just want to add once a month or so he will give in but it's like he's doing my a favor! I don't want it like that! I want him to love me and crave me like he did before all of this happened! 


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Does he make excuses as to why he doesn't want to have sex? Could it be porn and/or masturbation?


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## NolaGurl (Dec 22, 2016)

He says he hasn't masturbated in a year! Because he doesn't even think about sex anymore! And he used to watch porn a tad when he was interested in sex but nothing just nothing! 
I've always had a problem with him not initiating it when he used to want it but now it's even worse cause he doesn't even want it! 


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you find yourself here...the group will be along to help you. My husband and I have very opposite sex drives. I am high drive (HD) and he is very low drive (LD). 

Other than that we are as perfect a match as two imperfect people can be. We are working on this, and both trying to adjust to keep the other as happy as possible in this area. It's a huge challenge for me though. This forum has helped a ton, so read up and keep posting. 

In your situation, I would say run, run, run. You're not married. Hopefully you don't have kids with him yet. Not only do you have this huge hurdle of being sexually incompatible, it sounds like you have a ton of other problems. Time to close this chapter and find someone that is better suited for you.

I wish you the best.


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## NolaGurl (Dec 22, 2016)

To be honest I've thought about leaving plenty of times!!
We don't have kid together. He has 3 boys that live in La. I have 3 boys one in the navy and 2 teenagers that live with us. 
The 2 things that are holding me back from running is he's my best friend, and my only friend! We recently moved to Ms from La. and my other problem is im unemployed and although seeking employment not able to support myself and my kids at this point. I'm sure I'll get berated for that comment but it's the honest truth! Plus I'm so emotionally wrapped up in this!


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## NolaGurl (Dec 22, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Welcome to the forum. Sorry you find yourself here...the group will be along to help you. My husband and I have very opposite sex drives. I am high drive (HD) and he is very low drive (LD).
> 
> 
> 
> ...




And thank you for your sincere in put 


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You'll have to see a counselor of some sort even if he won't. Ideally couples therapy. You could also see a sex therapist - I did when I was going crazy obsessing on sex and wanting to know what was going on. In my case the therapist helped me to understand it was intimacy I was really after - though we are best friends and do everything together - no actual problems - I was diagnosed with cancer and it screwed up my mind. I realized what I wanted and needed and it was a stronger connection to my W.

My point is a good therapist can help you see things more objectively and clearly and might be able to give you ideas for reaching your BF.

It's a tough one - if you aren't comparable and can't resolve it, then you should plan to move on


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

NolaGurl said:


> To be honest I've thought about leaving plenty of times!!
> We don't have kid together. He has 3 boys that live in La. I have 3 boys one in the navy and 2 teenagers that live with us.
> The 2 things that are holding me back from running is he's my best friend, and my only friend! We recently moved to Ms from La. and my other problem is im unemployed and although seeking employment not able to support myself and my kids at this point. I'm sure I'll get berated for that comment but it's the honest truth! Plus I'm so emotionally wrapped up in this!


Life always tends to be messy. Nothing wrong with trying to improve your problem solving skills in a relationship.

Is he willing to just please you sexually? Or do you insist on trying to please him when he has no desire?

The best place to start is to make it very easy for him to please you and hope that doing so help his libido to respond and wanting more pleasure for himself. In the meantime back rubs, smiles, and compliments might also help. 

Badsanta


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Sometimes, a great friendship with someone of the opposite sex can be mistaken for love. In hindsight, this was my first marriage. It happens.

The things that are keeping you with him are excuses (and I mean that respectfully). It's actually fear that's keeping you with him, and that's not rational. Fear of being alone, fear of financial difficulties, etc. Those aren't good reasons to stay with someone.

His issues are unlikely to be related to you, if that helps. I'm sure in the back of your mind, you think it's you he's not interested in, but it sounds like it's his mental state, if anything.

At the end of the day, however, it's never advisable to stay with someone out of necessity, financial or otherwise. That's not what love is about.

It's my opinion that if two people get together and truly fall in love with one another, they don't engage in on-again, off-again relationships, extreme jealousy, date other people while broken up, then get back together, etc. Those are all signs of dependence, a 'fall-back', or simply settling.

My ex wife and I WERE best friends. I can honestly say I've never had a better, more compatible friend than her, and to this day, I miss that. However, my current wife and I are _compatible_ as husband and wife, not just friends. In fact, we share so few similar interests that if we weren't in love with each other, it's unlikely we WOULD be friends!

This whole notion of one's partner being required to be your best friend is bogus, IMO. If you ask me, you have friends and you have lovers. The two can certainly meet, but it's not a requirement of a successful relationship or marriage.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's clear that you are not romantically and sexually compatible. In other words, you are friends, and would be better off ONLY being friends, IMO. That means living apart, and moving on to date others. It also seems you are both dysfunctional when it comes to relationships, but you can't deal with your individual issues while you stay and are constantly triggering each other.


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## TheMoon (Feb 3, 2016)

Get a job and cut your losses. You are both dysfunctional and will drag each other down in a negative spiral. The "best friends" justification is usually used to rationalize a truly horrible relationship dynamic. BTDT. Fixing this is too long and arduous a road for a non-husband you don't share a child with. Move on and work on you.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It is very difficult to make a romantic relationship work when your sex drives are badly mismatched.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I like what @badsanta suggested. If he isn't interested in having sex is he willing to get you off? How would he respond to watching you masturbate? Would that turn him on enough to masturbate with you, or have sex with you? Does he get erections easily? Are his erections strong or are they on the weak side?

I've never heard of an antidepressant killing a sex drive long after the antidepressant was stopped. It sounds more likely that his anxiety is showing itself in other ways. Instead of acting jealous and controlling, he is now controlling/punishing you by denying you sex. I think it's possible that doing this could become an ingrained habit for him.

If he is unwilling to fix this problem on his own (by seeking medical answers and then seeking therapy) for what healthy loving man would willingly deny his woman sex, then you have your answer. He is not a healthy and loving man and you can't build a future with a man like this. 

There are degrees of "fvcked up-ness" and a mildly fvcked up person would work on his issues, but an ingrained and stubbornly fvcked up person will insist their partner suffer the repercussions rather than they suffer the difficulty of working on their issues.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NolaGurl said:


> He says he hasn't masturbated in a year! Because he doesn't even think about sex anymore! And he used to watch porn a tad when he was interested in sex but nothing just nothing!
> I've always had a problem with him not initiating it when he used to want it but now it's even worse cause he doesn't even want it!


Has he been to see a doctor? He might have some kind of issue, like low T. Him having zero interest in sex sounds like a medical issue.


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## NolaGurl (Dec 22, 2016)

TheMoon said:


> Get a job and cut your losses. You are both dysfunctional and will drag each other down in a negative spiral. The "best friends" justification is usually used to rationalize a truly horrible relationship dynamic. BTDT. Fixing this is too long and arduous a road for a non-husband you don't share a child with. Move on and work on you.




I appreciate your response greatly! But I'm confused about 2 things: 
What is BTDT
I am curious why you feel that I'm dysfunctional? I feel the only thing I'm guilty of honestly is hanging On to hope and grieving for what we had. I have done everything I could to help him past his anger and pain. He just grew up in a very unhealthy environment. I want it better but I've been saying that for way too long! 
Not being defensive just want clarification since you are second one to post that we are dysfunctional. 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NolaGurl said:


> I appreciate your response greatly! But I'm confused about 2 things:
> What is BTDT
> I am curious why you feel that I'm dysfunctional? I feel the only thing I'm guilty of honestly is hanging On to hope and grieving for what we had. I have done everything I could to help him past his anger and pain. He just grew up in a very unhealthy environment. I want it better but I've been saying that for way too long!
> Not being defensive just want clarification since you are second one to post that we are dysfunctional.
> ...


BTDT means Been There! Done That! As in "Oh, the same stuff that happened to me is happening to you, huh?"

I think there are obviously issues that are impacting on you both.

My recommendation is that you have counselling/therapy as individuals and as a couple and that your boyfriend gets medical help for his problems.


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## NolaGurl (Dec 22, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Has he been to see a doctor? He might have some kind of issue, like low T. Him having zero interest in sex sounds like a medical issue.




We went to dr and got his testosterone levels checked and they said it's ok a 413 but how do we know if that's not low for him? Idk
He also has been having chronic severe back pain for the last four years . Just had an MRI and dr said 2 bulging discs and 2 pinched nerves. He says it might be daily pain but I don't know. 


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

you need to face reality. He no longer has a good sex drive. It is not going to change. 

What happens next is up to you. If you are sexual, and need sex more than once every few months, dump him NOW. 
If there is any chance that you can become asexual, then sure, keep dating him.

Clear cut decision.


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## Dr. Stupid (Dec 8, 2016)

NolaGurl said:


> *We went to dr and got his testosterone levels checked and they said it's ok a 413* but how do we know if that's not low for him? Idk
> He also has been having chronic severe back pain for the last four years . Just had an MRI and dr said 2 bulging discs and 2 pinched nerves. He says it might be daily pain but I don't know.


413 is a little above average for a healthy man between 85-100 years old. (Vermeulen et al., 1996)

Go to another doctor. Start with an endocrinologist. If you don't get any satisfaction, then keep looking. The total testosterone level (ng/dL) is a good indicator, but many men at the low end of normal have a very strong sex drive, while many at the high end of normal have low sex drive. The right number is the one that feels right to your man. Your man has a very low level. 

Most general practitioners are notoriously inept when it comes to such evaluations. Like I said, go first to an endocrinologist, and keep looking until you find one who will address the issue. As a last resort, go to a "men's health" clinic. 

Is your man overweight? Does he eat healthy? Does he exercise almost daily? Low T is often caused by an unhealthy body/lifestyle, although numbers as low as you've posted are often a *combination *of genetics and an unhealthy lifestyle. 

One warning: If your man is prescribed exogenous testosterone, he will most likely become infertile. His body will shut down what little he is producing naturally, because the Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Testicular Axis is bypassed. There are ways around this, but I don't want to derail the thread any more than I already have.


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## NolaGurl (Dec 22, 2016)

Dr. Stupid said:


> 413 is a little above average for a healthy man between 85-100 years old. (Vermeulen et al., 1996)
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Wow! Thank you for your informative and helpful reply! I thought that his level was low but they told us it was fine. 
He is definitely over weight and not eating healthy!! He has back pain. And back issues which make him not want to exercise and eat emotionally!!
Well, time for more dr appts is suppose! 


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Your SO has T levels on the low side. I've been doing quite a bit of reading up on this and T levels for men in their 30's and 40's should be in the 700 to 800 range. With them gradually decreasing as you get older (5 to 10 points or so per year after 50). 

Is he taking pain killers or opiates for his back pain? I will tell you that back pain and disk problems can definitely kill sex drive. Taking pain killers will also kill sex drive. 

Your SO has a bunch of things going against him right now. Unhealthy, overweight, bad diet, back problems, constant pain, low T...He needs a lifestyle overhaul.


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## NolaGurl (Dec 22, 2016)

Tron said:


> Your SO has T levels on the low side. I've been doing quite a bit of reading up on this and T levels for men in their 30's and 40's should be in the 700 to 800 range. With them gradually decreasing as you get older (5 to 10 points or so per year after 50).
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He absolutely does! But I can't be the one to make that happen! He needs to make that happen and I think he's mentally to distraught to think of such big changes. Because as we all know big changes are HARD. And he can't handle anything that's difficult... a conversation, conflict, restraint, anything out of his comfort zone! Which I'm guessing is a part of his depression or mental instability! My problem, I'm ready to move on! I'm so frustrated! I have talked to him calmly about this so many times and he knows there is an issue but does nothing but say I don't know what to do:/ I feel like I'm wasting my life waiting for someone to fix things that may never fix!! 


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## NolaGurl (Dec 22, 2016)

Oh and he just recently starting on pain Meds so doubt that's it. But others have told me the back pain could be the issue. And again thank you for the T levels information. I will use this to maybe get him to the dr 


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## NolaGurl (Dec 22, 2016)

I appreciate everyone's input and help! I'm thinking I need to move on, I'm unhappy and he doesn't even see it! I'm hurting so bad... if I didn't have kids I would run so far away! 


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

NolaGurl said:


> Ok here goes nothing.... I am new here but I have been looking for a place to help me. I don't really have anyone to talk to about things.
> A little background... we have been together for 4+years. It been a struggle to say the least! We have broken up a few times because in the beginning he was extremely jealous, would get mad if we didn't have sex when he wanted to but had no idea how to initiate it, anger issues, passive aggressive, and mood swings.
> Well, the last time we broke up which was 2 thanksgivings ago we got back together because I couldn't stand seeing him with another woman. I called him he left her and came back and been here ever since. We are best friends, when we are good we are amazing! But when we are bf we are awful! Our main issue ....COMMUNICATION! He will not talk about ANYTHING!
> But to get to the point about a 2 years ago he went on Prozac for 9 months, he got off of them suddenly and ever since he has completely lost his sex drive but that's not all! He was only on these meds 9 months and currently been off of them for over a year and there is no romance, no gentle touch, no real feelings, no sex, no jealous (and a I mentioned he was insanely irrationally jealous), no more passion for anything.
> ...


Read the below.

Many antidepressants, including Prozac (fluoxetine), Paxil (paroxetine), Zoloft (sertraline), Celexa (citalopram), Effexor (venlafaxine), Lexapro (escitalopram) and Pristiq (desvenlafaxine), can cause sexual side effects. Some studies have found that one-third to two-thirds of patients taking such drugs may experience lower libido, reduced arousal and delayed climax. Some complain of genital “anesthesia” and orgasm without pleasure.
Although many doctors assume that such side effects will disappear shortly after people discontinue their antidepressants, that may not always be true. One review of case reports concluded that certain antidepressants “can cause long-term effects on all aspects of the sexual response cycle that may persist after they are discontinued” *(Journal of Sexual Medicine, Jan. 2008).*

How do you and him respond going forward?

My guess, would be to give him Testosterone injections for a month or two to get him back in the groove. Do not go much more timewise than this. His body will shut down it's own testosterone production. Good luck in finding a doctor to prescribe it. Your best bet would be a Primary Care Provider, or General Practitioner. Explain to them the whys and reasons. Tell them that this will be a temporary prescription.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Although, my circumstances are different, I see some similarities. I have lost my sex drive. I masturbate rarely and only to make sure it still works. For most of my life, I wanted sex all the time. I constantly thought about sex. For me, I have lost hope in life ever being fulfilling in my relationship. It's probably partly depression and partly the result of years of rejection, but many SSRIs can affect sex drive and bupropion didn't seem to do much for me. I have had my testosterone monitored closely for 2 years now and my T levels are good, 600-700. Personally, I didn't notice much difference in sex drive between 300 and 700. From the way people talk about it, you'd think testosterone turns a man into a sex fiend. Well, I can tell you it isn't that simple. 

Does he have erections in the morning? Does he get an erection when you touch him? 

Given the situation, I think you should try to build up his ego. Make him feel desired and wanted. Be flirty, sexy, and take what you want with confidence. Maybe act out one of his fantasies. I think you need to re-ignite the pilot light and he may get back into it.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

ulyssesheart said:


> Read the below.
> 
> Many antidepressants, including Prozac (fluoxetine) ... can cause sexual side effects.
> 
> ...


You know your stuff... 

Yeah, if you continue to inject testosterone, your body stops producing it's own T and your balls shrink. A month or two might be ok, but there will be a drop in T levels when he comes off of it. If he goes on T therapy, he needs to know that there is a chance he won't be able to get off of it and maintain the benefits. Also, it will impact his fertility if you take it for a year or more. And his T levels will be lower than ever then when he comes off. So, if T-Levels are the problem, if he can't get through the period of lower T-Levels, he might have to get on it for a longer period. My doctor raised my T-Levels with Clomid and Anastrazole. This preserves fertility by stimulating your own body to produce testosterone. So your testicles actually produce more natural T. But, it is not approved by the FDA for use in men. Also, it raises estrogen whenever you increase T (through all methods), so you have to monitor with regular blood tests. My doctor controls the estrogen with a second drug called Anastrazole. You can read here. 

Bottom line is that I agree that he should get tested for Low T. But, don't expect this to be a magic bullet, unless his T Levels are very low. If they are low, consult a good doctor that fully understands the endocrinology and can prescribe something that works for your circumstance. But, I think he is depressed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> you need to face reality. He no longer has a good sex drive. It is not going to change.
> 
> What happens next is up to you. If you are sexual, and need sex more than once every few months, dump him NOW.
> If there is any chance that you can become asexual, then sure, keep dating him.
> ...


That's not true.


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## Dr. Stupid (Dec 8, 2016)

ulyssesheart said:


> Read the below.
> 
> Many antidepressants, including Prozac (fluoxetine), Paxil (paroxetine), Zoloft (sertraline), Celexa (citalopram), Effexor (venlafaxine), Lexapro (escitalopram) and Pristiq (desvenlafaxine), can cause sexual side effects. Some studies have found that one-third to two-thirds of patients taking such drugs may experience lower libido, reduced arousal and delayed climax. Some complain of genital “anesthesia” and orgasm without pleasure.
> Although many doctors assume that such side effects will disappear shortly after people discontinue their antidepressants, that may not always be true. One review of case reports concluded that certain antidepressants “can cause long-term effects on all aspects of the sexual response cycle that may persist after they are discontinued” *(Journal of Sexual Medicine, Jan. 2008).*
> ...


Results from TRT generally take a minimum of 3 months to become apparent. It depends many, many factors, which I will not bore everyone with here. 

PCPs and GPs don't generally understand TRT, and generally take the "1 shot every 2 weeks" approach, when the half-life of a testosterone injection (cypionate or ethanate, generally) is around 8 days. In addition, it usually takes 24-36 hours for the shot to become effective. Also, the large quantity of testosterone that is injected also causes an upswing in estrogen in the man's body, due to the action of a adrenal enzyme called aromatase on such a cycle, and unfortunately, estrogen survives longer than testosterone. The more out of shape a man is, the more testosterone is converted. This leads to a feeling of well-being for around 6 days, followed by a gradual loss of that feeling as the testosterone levels decrease while the elevated estrogen levels remain. The man then takes another shot, and the cycle starts over. You don't want your man on an emotional rollercoaster, and that's why you don't want to put that in the hands of a PCP or GP. 

PCPs and GPs are great for so many medical issues, but there are very few who understand the balancing of hormones that men and women who are imbalanced need. 

Seriously OP, get a referral to an endocrinologist, and there's nothing wrong with shopping until you find the one who knows what he's doing. That is, if you're willing to hang in there in the *attempt* to get your man "fixed". I can totally understand if you're fed up and ready to throw in the towel, but it's my opinion that you should experience your man as a man first, instead experiencing him as a tired, old, man.


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## Dr. Stupid (Dec 8, 2016)

wantshelp said:


> You know your stuff...
> 
> Yeah, if you continue to inject testosterone, your body stops producing it's own T and your balls shrink. A month or two might be ok, but there will be a drop in T levels when he comes off of it. If he goes on T therapy, he needs to know that there is a chance he won't be able to get off of it and maintain the benefits. Also, it will impact his fertility if you take it for a year or more. And his T levels will be lower than ever then when he comes off. So, if T-Levels are the problem, if he can't get through the period of lower T-Levels, he might have to get on it for a longer period. My doctor raised my T-Levels with Clomid and Anastrazole. This preserves fertility by stimulating your own body to produce testosterone. So your testicles actually produce more natural T. But, it is not approved by the FDA for use in men. Also, it raises estrogen whenever you increase T (through all methods), so you have to monitor with regular blood tests. My doctor controls the estrogen with a second drug called Anastrazole. You can read here.
> 
> Bottom line is that I agree that he should get tested for Low T. But, don't expect this to be a magic bullet, unless his T Levels are very low. If they are low, consult a good doctor that fully understands the endocrinology and can prescribe something that works for your circumstance. But, I think he is depressed.


This is very good advice! Once again, I'd like to mention that a month or two of TRT (testosterone injections) will do more harm than good. TRT is a long-term therapy. Bodybuilders would say otherwise, but they're not doing TRT. They pump massive amounts of testosterone into their bodies for a short amount of time, along with other steroids, and then have to recover afterwards with other drug therapies. This is two different uses of testosterone, each with a different objective. Most bodybuilders already produce enough T on their own. They're augmenting that with exogenous T injections, and they generally do not shut down their own production, due to the short cycles that they follow. 

Clomid, combined with an aromatase inhibitor (such as Anastrozole or Aromasin) is a very good course of action (as you are personally aware), and I've seen great results in patients subscribed to this therapy. Unfortunately, as you've noted, it's not an FDA approved use of the drugs in question.


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

Dr. Stupid said:


> Results from TRT generally take a minimum of 3 months to become apparent.
> 
> Seriously OP, get a referral to an endocrinologist.


If his blood levels are low he will feel it in a couple of weeks.
An endocrinologist would be the perfect MD to see. But they are held to a higher standard. PCP's not so much. An endocrinologist will certainly balk giving you TRT if your level is not "demonstrably" low. As others have pointed out, TRT is not a magic bullet. But it will do wonders for a man that is truly low. My point was to get him back in the saddle. This WILL help. Just do not take it for long, unless you are truly "low T".

There is no "free ride" in this life.


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