# My wife gives little to no effort



## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

So I’m recently 39, my wife 30. We’ve been together 8 years and have a 7 yo(that sleeps in our bed, and I have voiced against this as it is continuing to destroy our relationship). My wife has what appears to be a non-existent libido, where as mine is off the charts. I make every effort to do everything she has said she needs, be it communication, give her whatever she wants, interest in her interests, etc. When we eventually do have sex it’s insanely good, especially recently. I make it all about her pleasure as much as possible when it happens because I want to please her, and in hopes that maybe that will rub off on her and she’ll want to reciprocate, and maybe try and initiate and put some kind of effort into our intimate relationship rather than me facing rejection for weeks to months at a time and being made to feel like an annoying pestilence, before it finally happens. Then we repeat the same routine, we talk about it and how we want to and need do it more and we need to spend more time as man and wife and not just mom and dad. I have repeatedly voiced the opinion that our 7 year old having the highest priority in our bed is ruining our relationship and she needs to move to her own bed, and the lack of an intimate satisfaction in our marriage causes me to act out (ie look at new cars I probably shouldn’t buy, sleep in the guest room, withdrawal from our relationship and spend more time at work etc..). This all falls on deaf ears. I ask for sexual favors for every holiday that warrants a gift, but it doesn’t happen. I have tried hints and open discussion. I’m really just getting to a point that I am not satisfied. I feel like I am giving everything and get nothing in return. I don’t want to leave, but it’s reached a point where it’s becoming more trouble than it’s worth. She goes to bed at 8pm with our daughter, and has voiced several Times that staying up with me isn’t worth being tired for. If I want to make an attempt, it requires up to 1-2 hours of lying still and silent, and then I’m being annoying. I just really don’t know what to do.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it looks like you have done what she wants , she wanted a baby and you were the baby maker , 
not you have serviced your purpose and there is no other roll in this relationship for you 
you need to move out of the house 

it is not often I SAY this can't be fixed 
BUT THIS is gone to far too long , 
and your dealing with a person that thinks this is ok and normal


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Been there, not going back. Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and "Married Man Sex Life Primer" they both helped me. I also became more aloof and dropped 50# in 5 weeks and hit the weights hard. Wife freaked and thought i was already out the door. I made some decisions and decided if she wants to change and follow me that is good, if not, that is fine too, but i will be looking very good and will hit the ground running. I was checking out and she noticed before it was too late.

One thing that changed in me is i no longer bite my tongue. If she does something i dont like....she knows it. I refuse to hold it in and let it eat on me like cancer and build resentment.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and "Married Man Sex Life Primer"


I second that!
Get them ASAP and never tell her you're reading it!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you got together when you were 31 and she was 22.

That's a big gap at that age...big gap in both maturity and life experience. We change a lot through our 20's.

She's not into you....that's why your kid is in the bed.

Sorry.

I suppose I should ask how well you two have kept yourselves...ie are you in good shape and do you have good hygiene?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Kid in bed? What the... Hard no. Get the references listed, do your 180.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

You don't do it for her.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Have you tried telling your wife, and the seven year old, that the child will be sleeping in her own room from now on? Then, every time you find her in your bed, you calmly carry her back to her own room and tell her to go to sleep. That should have been done when she was three, or less, but it clearly wasn't so here you are. 

If your wife objects, tell her that she is free to sleep in your daughter's room if she'd like. But that the days of your daughter being in your bed are over. State your boundary, calmly and clearly with no obfuscation. Then follow that up with your words and actions. This isn't a fight or an argument, it's the way things will be for as long as you remain married to your wife. 

If you have one foot out the door, tell your wife exactly that. Her refusal to engage in a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with you is truly endangering your marriage. If you two can't figure out how to be happily married - and that includes happiness for _both_ of you - then you two will be happily divorced in short order. 

But don't mention divorce unless and until you know you're actually prepared to back it up with action. Get yourself straightened out, learn about healthy boundaries, become strong and confident in yourself enough to actually enforce your own healthy boundaries. The books others have mentioned upthread are great places to start.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Also, "asking" for sex can be a real a lady-boner killer. _Initiate_ sex, be intimate, be loving, be sensual and sexual with your wife. Light her fire long before you jump into bed at night. But never, ever, ask for sex. Even (perhaps especially?) for gift-giving occasions. Asking for sex always comes across as begging. You should be well above begging your own wife to shag you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> So you got together when you were 31 and she was 22.
> 
> That's a big gap at that age...big gap in both maturity and life experience. We change a lot through our 20's.
> 
> ...


I agree. A 9 year gap in your 30s is not as bad and when you’re in your 40s and 50s is almost common but in your 20s it’s a very big life experience gap. 

To be with a much younger woman, you have got to have your **** together. Being fit and taking care of your appearance (clothes, haircut, beard, hygiene, etc) is important. You can’t coast.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It'll be ok when the kid flies the nest, in 10 years time. You'll be 50, hopefully without ED.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I have had at least one kid in my bed for the last 12 years, usually 2-3 kids, and I haven't been in a 12 year long sexless marriage. There are other places and ways to do it. 

The kid in the bed isn't the sex-killer. Your wife just isn't into you or sex for one reason or another. You could get the child into her own room and your sex life wouldn't change.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

My wife breastfed all our three kids until they were almost 5. And they all slept in our bed during all this time. It was really inconvenient for us. I often had to sleep on the edge of the bed, any movement and I am on the floor. To have sex we have to wait until they fall a sleep in our bed and then move to another bed in another room. But what could we do? These are the kids, our kids.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> My wife breastfed all our three kids until they were almost 5. And they all slept in our bed during all this time. It was really inconvenient for us. I often had to sleep on the edge of the bed, any movement and I am on the floor. To have sex we have to wait until they fall a sleep in our bed and then move to another bed in another room. But what could we do? These are the kids, our kids.


Did you still manage to have a sex life?


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## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> So you got together when you were 31 and she was 22.
> 
> That's a big gap at that age...big gap in both maturity and life experience. We change a lot through our 20's.
> 
> ...


I was a navy diver for 10 years and have always been in some kind decent shape, admittedly since I got out in late 2017, my weight kinda fluctuated, but I started training BJJ and lost over 30lbs, and am in great shape now. She has always been hot, 5’5” 110lbs, honestly super hot. We are very clean people, I always make sure my hair is cut, nails are trimmed, and I’m well groomed. She will act like she’s into me, but when I try to follow up on the flirting and what take as cues later, it’s bed time and she can’t be bothered. When we do have sex it’s earth shattering. The only consistency though is that it’s guaranteed to be weeks or usually months between, and she NEVER initiates it. There is never a “hey, you’ve had a long week, or did this thing that was sweet etc..lemme take care of you”. I’ve tried talking to her every which way about what my needs and desires are, and about hers, and I make every effort to meet hers, but there is no effort to meet mine. I’ve hinted, I’ve spoken bluntly, and she will always kinda act like it’s the first time she’s heard it. I’ve told her flat out that I am not satisfied, that the kid in the bed is ruining our relationship, and she agrees but then also won’t facilitate the moves to change it. I don’t know if it’s just me, or being in the shape I’m in, but I’ve told her that my sex drive is through the roof and I need more, but it doesn’t happen. She always says that I’m not doing one thing or another or we don’t have “emotional intimacy”, but also with kids there needs to be that time when the kids aren’t around to have that intimate time which would be when the kids are asleep, which she agrees, but again, no actual movement on the kid. I’ve just kinda hit a wall. I want her to want me like I want her, and in rare times we are intimate, it seems like she does, but then after that nothing. It’s just gotten to a point where I’m kinda over it and it’s become more trouble than it’s worth. I just don’t know what to do. Do I leave? Do I stay and try and get her to change?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> My wife breastfed all our three kids until they were almost 5. And they all slept in our bed during all this time. It was really inconvenient for us. I often had to sleep on the edge of the bed, any movement and I am on the floor. To have sex we have to wait until they fall a sleep in our bed and then move to another bed in another room. But what could we do? These are the kids, our kids.





Torninhalf said:


> Did you still manage to have a sex life?


Yes, but obviously not as often as we wanted. Around once week and we had to do this rather quick. My wife and often I were exhausted with kids. 

And her breasts were off limits for me for many years - this really sucked!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Hm2 said:


> I was a navy diver for 10 years and have always been in some kind decent shape, admittedly since I got out in late 2017, my weight kinda fluctuated, but I started training BJJ and lost over 30lbs, and am in great shape now. She has always been hot, 5’5” 110lbs, honestly super hot. We are very clean people, I always make sure my hair is cut, nails are trimmed, and I’m well groomed. She will act like she’s into me, but when I try to follow up on the flirting and what take as cues later, it’s bed time and she can’t be bothered. When we do have sex it’s earth shattering. The only consistency though is that it’s guaranteed to be weeks or usually months between, and she NEVER initiates it. There is never a “hey, you’ve had a long week, or did this thing that was sweet etc..lemme take care of you”. I’ve tried talking to her every which way about what my needs and desires are, and about hers, and I make every effort to meet hers, but there is no effort to meet mine. I’ve hinted, I’ve spoken bluntly, and she will always kinda act like it’s the first time she’s heard it. I’ve told her flat out that I am not satisfied, that the kid in the bed is ruining our relationship, and she agrees but then also won’t facilitate the moves to change it. I don’t know if it’s just me, or being in the shape I’m in, but I’ve told her that my sex drive is through the roof and I need more, but it doesn’t happen. She always says that I’m not doing one thing or another or we don’t have “emotional intimacy”, but also with kids there needs to be that time when the kids aren’t around to have that intimate time which would be when the kids are asleep, which she agrees, but again, no actual movement on the kid. I’ve just kinda hit a wall. I want her to want me like I want her, and in rare times we are intimate, it seems like she does, but then after that nothing. It’s just gotten to a point where I’m kinda over it and it’s become more trouble than it’s worth. I just don’t know what to do. Do I leave? Do I stay and try and get her to change?


Have you tried marriage counseling? EFT could give her that emotional intimacy.


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## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

We’ve been to counseling a few times, the real issues never actually come out, and then we’ll have a fight about this or that(usually about how I’m unsatisfied and that leads to erratic behavior because I’m trying to compensate by doing things she calls a mid-life crisis) and I ended up going alone. I’ve decided to see a therapist by myself, which starts tomorrow. I’ve tried explaining to her that with kids you gotta get it in where and when you can and it isn’t always going to be by candle light in front of the fireplace, but it needs to happen more. Not every day, but at least a couple times a week in some form, and that will establish an intimate and emotional connection to strengthen the emotional intimacy she needs(but also she can’t tell me what that consists of when I ask her, soooo idk).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

you’re not going to get what you want from her.
My suggestion is to divorce her and enjoy having a woman beg YOU for sex regularly.

super Hot wife that is super frigid: she would lose her hotness fast with me.
Surely you realize the child is in the bed in order to ensure she doesn’t have to have sex with you. I’ll bet the kid sleeps in between you so you can’t even snuggle up to your wife nor touch her. It’s hard to divorce a person you have feelings for. But loving a life that’s hurtful until you die is hard too.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Hm2 said:


> We’ve been to counseling a few times, the real issues never actually come out, and then we’ll have a fight about this or that(usually about how I’m unsatisfied and that leads to erratic behavior because I’m trying to compensate by doing things she calls a mid-life crisis) and I ended up going alone. I’ve decided to see a therapist by myself, which starts tomorrow. I’ve tried explaining to her that with kids you gotta get it in where and when you can and it isn’t always going to be by candle light in front of the fireplace, but it needs to happen more. Not every day, but at least a couple times a week in some form, and that will establish an intimate and emotional connection to strengthen the emotional intimacy she needs(but also she can’t tell me what that consists of when I ask her, soooo idk).


Sex starts outside the bedroom. You don't build emotional intimacy by having sex. Your order is backwards there.


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## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

That’s something that I’m really struggling with, I do love her. So leaving is a very hard decision. I’ve actually told her flat out that I think she keeps her in the bed for that reason, but there is also other things she does to the same end I called her out on, which she said were “mostly true”..which this conversation happened pretty recently and has been hard etched into my brain ever since, and it’s one of those truths that can’t be untold.


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## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

bobert said:


> Sex starts outside the bedroom. You don't build emotional intimacy by having sex. Your order is backwards there.


But one hand does wash the other, and I’ve tried it the other way around believe me. Also, if I’m trying my damndest to be emotionally intimate, but still missing the mark, but she can’t tell me what it is she wants in plain English, how can I be expected to meet that expectation?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife does not want a romantic relationship with you. So my question for you would be: What is she getting out of the relationship?

what are you getting out of the relationship? There’s got to be something.
What you’re getting isn’t what most men that marry a woman are getting. She tricked you.

You need to get yourself to a Place mentally where you don’t care anymore and can move on. I don’t know how to help you get there.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

First, read this:









What Men Think about Sex Versus Reality - Dr. Psych Mom


I dispel some myths that men believe about sex.




www.drpsychmom.com





Being 100% devoted to your wife's needs doesn't make her want sex. Women generally want to have sex with men that they are attracted to, not with men who do nice things for them (although that doesn't hurt).

As noted above, tell your wife that, when you come to bed in YOUR bedroom, if you find your daughter there, you will move her to her own room. Tell your wife that she's welcome to move to your daughter's room as well if she'd like.

Tell your wife that you are not happy with your sex life (among other things). For you, physical bonding increases emotional bonding. Being rejected on regular basis for sex is not something that you are willing to endure. Therefore, you will no longer initiate sex with her. You suspect that this may well result in you withdrawing emotionally. You'd prefer that this wasn't the case, but it probably will be. If she'd like you to resume initiating in the future, she should let you know.

Stop doing anything that is done only for her. Prioritize you life (and your daughter's) and happiness. Get a hobby, make yourself a bit more scare around the house, hit the gym, but new clothes. You're not happy in the marriage, there's no reason you should be knocking yourself out to make sure she is.

Do this for six months or so. She may change her behavior and stop taking you for granted. Probably not.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Hm2 said:


> . I’ve told her flat out that I am not satisfied, that the kid in the bed is ruining our relationship, and she agrees but then also won’t facilitate the moves to change it.


She agreed. So YOU facilitate the moves to change it.


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## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

Buddy400 said:


> First, read this:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This kinda what I’ve started doing. I am training jiu Jitsu and will begin competing in the next few weeks and it has been amazing for my mental health. I’ve told her all of those things and she seems unfazed by it. I’ve told her that I feel unappreciated and my needs are an after though to everyone in the family, especially her. That I am making sure everyone else has what they need, but no one is concerned with me, and I’m sick of it, and I’m going to worry about myself, and our daughter, and that I’ve grown to expect nothing from her on any level.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hm2 said:


> This kinda what I’ve started doing. I am training jiu Jitsu and will begin competing in the next few weeks and it has been amazing for my mental health. I’ve told her all of those things and she seems unfazed by it. I’ve told her that I feel unappreciated and my needs are an after though to everyone in the family, especially her. That I am making sure everyone else has what they need, but no one is concerned with me, and I’m sick of it, and I’m going to worry about myself, and our daughter, and that I’ve grown to expect nothing from her on any level.


But that isn’t going to help. You’re still stuck with an anchor and can’t get your emotional abs physical needs met in the marriage, which is its main purpose, or should be. 
letting go is hard. Hanging on is too. One of the two options has a pain free future though


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You haven’t figured out that your life is up to you. No one else.

You may want your wife but you don’t NEED her.


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## rescueengine (Apr 2, 2021)

Can she be cheating?


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## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

I wish she was cheating, honestly that would make it way easier. I’d just put her crap on the curb and change the locks.


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## rescueengine (Apr 2, 2021)

Why are you sure she is not?


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## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

Honestly, she doesn’t ever leave our daughter. If she did, or there was someone at the house or something like that my daughter would tell me as soon as she saw me. She always tells me every detail of every day.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Hm2 said:


> I wish she was cheating, honestly that would make it way easier. I’d just put her crap on the curb and change the locks.


I suggest you read The Married Man Sex Life Primer. The gist of it is make focus on yourself, make yourself more desirable to women in general, not just your wife, and don't hide what you are doing. The result will either be greater interest from your wife or you will be positioning yourself for finding someone that is more sexually compatible with you. Don't hide the fact that you refuse to remain in a sexless marriage.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Hm2 said:


> Honestly, she doesn’t ever leave our daughter. If she did, or there was someone at the house or something like that my daughter would tell me as soon as she saw me. She always tells me every detail of every day.


Your daughter is 7. Does she not go to school? Does your wife work?


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## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

My daughter was home schooled, but will start going to school this year. She is looking for a job for when that happens. I am going to start doing just that. I know it drives her crazy that I’m in fantastic shape and doing something that makes me feel good about myself.


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## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

I think I would be have no problem finding another woman. I’m not trying to sound cocky, but I’m in great shape, I make 6 figures, I have a great personality, I’m funny, I have great hygiene, I feel like (being as modest and humble as possible) I’m a good looking guy, I have unique tastes and am cultured, and I have a lot of life experience that would be interesting to someone else..the part that kills me is that I want her to be that person😞..


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Hm2 said:


> I think I would be have no problem finding another woman. I’m not trying to sound cocky, but I’m in great shape, I make 6 figures, I have a great personality, I’m funny, I have great hygiene, I feel like (being as modest and humble as possible) I’m a good looking guy, I have unique tastes and am cultured, and I have a lot of life experience that would be interesting to someone else..the part that kills me is that I want her to be that person😞..


Something to keep in mind. Unless there is something medically or mentally wrong with her she likes sex. It is just human nature. For some reason she isn't interested in sex with you. That is what you need to fix.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Something to keep in mind. Unless there is something medically or mentally wrong with her she likes sex. It is just human nature. For some reason she isn't interested in sex with you. That is what you need to fix.


Yeah but I think some people's view of "like" can be really different. My wife says she "likes" sex but her idea of like is just a few times a month of plain old vanilla sex.

So while she says she "likes" it, I am not so sure everyone does indeed like it the same way.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Yeah but I think some people's view of "like" can be really different. My wife says she "likes" sex but her idea of like is just a few times a month of plain old vanilla sex.
> 
> So while she says she "likes" it, I am not so sure everyone does indeed like it the same way.


Actions speak louder than words. She may say she likes it, but apparently she isn't demonstrating that she likes it. So, does she really like sex, with you? I believe that woman really do like sex, but they have to be sexually attracted to the person. If you are sexually attractive to her, she will want to have sex with you.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Actions speak louder than words. She may say she likes it, but apparently she isn't demonstrating that she likes it. So, does she really like sex, with you? I believe that woman really do like sex, but they have to be sexually attracted to the person. If you are sexually attractive to her, she will want to have sex with you.


I don't disagree. All I can go by is between marriages she said she went 4 years without sex so I have no idea what she likes anymore???


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## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

She definitely likes it and definitely likes it with me. I know her body, and she knows I know her body. Probably even better than she knows it. She wasn’t very, how would you say…adventurous before we met, and the sex that we are having when we do have it, is probably the best sex we’ve ever had. Like even better than that sex where you’ve only been together a few weeks or months and are naked 3/4 of the time you’re together..I feel like I’ve put it on a pedestal though, and literally anything is more important than satisfying her husbands needs. It’s like “the kid sneezed during the night last night, so I’m exhausted tonight”, or I was up until 9:30 twice this week, I’m soooo tired, or I did a load of laundry and vacuumed on Monday so I can’t be bothered tonight(on Thursday)..then there’s days like today..she had a girl friend visiting from out of town and they had the kids play in back yard and had a couple margaritas..I get home to extra flirty, kissing on my ear and what not, then it’s time for bed and it’s laughable that I suggest she try and initiate something after the kids asleep..


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## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

She definitely likes it and definitely likes it with me. I know her body, and she knows I know her body. Probably even better than she knows it. She wasn’t very, how would you say…adventurous before we met, and the sex that we are having when we do have it, is probably the best sex we’ve ever had. Like even better than that sex where you’ve only been together a few weeks or months and are naked 3/4 of the time you’re together..I feel like I’ve put it on a pedestal though, and literally anything is more important than satisfying her husbands needs. It’s like “the kid sneezed during the night last night, so I’m exhausted tonight”, or I was up until 9:30 twice this week, I’m soooo tired, or I did a load of laundry and vacuumed on Monday so I can’t be bothered tonight(on Thursday)..then there’s days like today..she had a girl friend visiting from out of town and they had the kids play in back yard and had a couple margaritas..I get home to extra flirty, kissing on my ear and what not, then it’s time for bed and it’s laughable that I suggest she try and initiate something after the kids asleep..


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Hm2 said:


> She definitely likes it and definitely likes it with me. I know her body, and she knows I know her body. Probably even better than she knows it. She wasn’t very, how would you say…adventurous before we met, and the sex that we are having when we do have it, is probably the best sex we’ve ever had. Like even better than that sex where you’ve only been together a few weeks or months and are naked 3/4 of the time you’re together..I feel like I’ve put it on a pedestal though, and literally anything is more important than satisfying her husbands needs. It’s like “the kid sneezed during the night last night, so I’m exhausted tonight”, or I was up until 9:30 twice this week, I’m soooo tired, or I did a load of laundry and vacuumed on Monday so I can’t be bothered tonight(on Thursday)..then there’s days like today..she had a girl friend visiting from out of town and they had the kids play in back yard and had a couple margaritas..I get home to extra flirty, kissing on my ear and what not, then it’s time for bed and it’s laughable that I suggest she try and initiate something after the kids asleep..


Why did you suggest that she initiate something? I mean she already did when she was flirty and kissing your ear. You should have taken that hint and kept going. By asking her to initiate it goes back to sounding like you are begging for sex, which is a turn off.

Her saying she is tired is her saying she isn't attracted to you, at least not in that moment. It is a defense mechanism. And the more you push the more she will throw up barriers. You have to make yourself attractive to her and begging for sex isn't the way to do it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I don't disagree. All I can go by is between marriages she said she went 4 years without sex so I have no idea what she likes anymore???


Did you know that before you married her? 4 year with no sex is a bit of a red flag.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay, you keep mentioning that when you actually have sex, the earth moves, the heavens part, whatever. If the sex is so great - and I assume your wife's world is being rocked too - why do you think she's indifferent to wanting sex more often? 

I'm weighing in as a woman here. And what I'm saying is if the sex is really great, I'm going to want it on a regular basis.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Hm2 said:


> This kinda what I’ve started doing. I am training jiu Jitsu and will begin competing in the next few weeks and it has been amazing for my mental health. I’ve told her all of those things and she seems unfazed by it. I’ve told her that I feel unappreciated and my needs are an after though to everyone in the family, especially her. That I am making sure everyone else has what they need, but no one is concerned with me, and I’m sick of it, and I’m going to worry about myself, and our daughter, and that I’ve grown to expect nothing from her on any level.


Don’t talk, do. 
Stop talking, stop explaining, stop trying to get her to understand. She understands fine, she just doesn’t care, because she doesn’t want you, doesn’t respect you (in part because of what you tolerate from her), and is therefore not attracted to you.

Time for a hard 180. Maybe she’ll come around, maybe she won’t. You’ll be better off either way.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Unfortunately, you are another of those guys who's been made number 3 (4, 5, 6) in the relationship. You wife is not interested in sex. It's her last priority. First priority is your daughter. She comes second. You are not important any more. She might regain her libido. Some women do. Some don't and will give their husbands pity sex to keep them happy. It's a tough situation. If you want to play the divorce card, please do, but be prepared to follow through. It might be a wake up call and she will revert to the wife she was before your daughter. Or, as I said, she will give you pity sex occasionally to keep you there and the family together. I would wait until your daughter starts going to school and your wife gets a job. That might be enough to break the insane bond between them and might stop the mommy mode she is in. Good luck!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Hm2 said:


> I was a navy diver for 10 years and have always been in some kind decent shape, admittedly since I got out in late 2017, my weight kinda fluctuated, but I started training BJJ and lost over 30lbs, and am in great shape now. She has always been hot, 5’5” 110lbs, honestly super hot. We are very clean people, I always make sure my hair is cut, nails are trimmed, and I’m well groomed. She will act like she’s into me, but when I try to follow up on the flirting and what take as cues later, it’s bed time and she can’t be bothered. When we do have sex it’s earth shattering. The only consistency though is that it’s guaranteed to be weeks or usually months between, and she NEVER initiates it. There is never a “hey, you’ve had a long week, or did this thing that was sweet etc..lemme take care of you”. I’ve tried talking to her every which way about what my needs and desires are, and about hers, and I make every effort to meet hers, but there is no effort to meet mine. I’ve hinted, I’ve spoken bluntly, and she will always kinda act like it’s the first time she’s heard it. I’ve told her flat out that I am not satisfied, that the kid in the bed is ruining our relationship, and she agrees but then also won’t facilitate the moves to change it. I don’t know if it’s just me, or being in the shape I’m in, but I’ve told her that my sex drive is through the roof and I need more, but it doesn’t happen. She always says that I’m not doing one thing or another or we don’t have “emotional intimacy”, but also with kids there needs to be that time when the kids aren’t around to have that intimate time which would be when the kids are asleep, which she agrees, but again, no actual movement on the kid. I’ve just kinda hit a wall. I want her to want me like I want her, and in rare times we are intimate, it seems like she does, but then after that nothing. It’s just gotten to a point where I’m kinda over it and it’s become more trouble than it’s worth. I just don’t know what to do. Do I leave? Do I stay and try and get her to change?


You want tge kid out of tge bed?....you make it happen! That is what a man does....he makes things happen. Be the Captain and steer your ship.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Unfortunately, you are another of those guys who's been made number 3 (4, 5, 6) in the relationship. You wife is not interested in sex. It's her last priority. First priority is your daughter. She comes second. You are not important any more. She might regain her libido. Some women do. Some don't and will give their husbands pity sex to keep them happy. It's a tough situation. If you want to play the divorce card, please do, but be prepared to follow through. It might be a wake up call and she will revert to the wife she was before your daughter. Or, as I said, she will give you pity sex occasionally to keep you there and the family together. I would wait until your daughter starts going to school and your wife gets a job. That might be enough to break the insane bond between them and might stop the mommy mode she is in. Good luck!


Problem is while she is not emotionally bonding with you, when she starts to switch out of mommy mode and goes back to work, you and her young male co-worker will be on level playing field as she does not have that intimate emotional attachment to you right now.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Divinely Favored said:


> you and her young male co-worker will be on level playing field as she does not have that intimate emotional attachment to you right now.


Young male co-worker? Ah yes, the one with the big willy.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Give this a try: *The Dead Bedroom Fix.*


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Did you know that before you married her? 4 year with no sex is a bit of a red flag.


No


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She isn't going to change. She's proved that. No amount of wheedling, explaining, coercing, nagging or wishing is going to make her change. She doesn't want to - period.

As soon as your wife gets a job, file for divorce. Do not let the marriage get to ten years. The longer you are married, the more alimony you will pay if it is applicable in your state/situation.

The sooner you get a divorce, the sooner you can try for a real relationship.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Stop talking about it and stop having sex with you.

Do both of these things, because these things haven’t worked for you.

See if she mentions it. If she becomes curious and starts initiating, or asking why, then you know it’s not you


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> No


That is unfortunate, to say the least.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you seem to have a problem with action. You want your daughter out of your bed and your wife has agreed, but you're waiting around for her to get your daughter out of your bed. You come home to your flirty, tipsy wife and you ask her to initiate. 

Your daughter is in your bed? _Move_ her back to her own room. Every single time you find her in it. 

You come home and your wife is tipsy and extra flirty? Initiate sex. Don't tell your wife she should. _You do it_. 

Move, man! Do things! Stop waiting around, hoping and wishing, for your wife to take charge_ for you_. Be someone who takes charge of, and for, himself.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@Hm2 your best friend right now is: 
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 - Kindle edition by Kay, Athol. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

Note: *Don't tell your wife you are reading it!*


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> @Hm2 your best friend right now is:
> The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 - Kindle edition by Kay, Athol. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.
> 
> Note: *Don't tell your wife you are reading it!*


Yes, great book!


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## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> Okay, you keep mentioning that when you actually have sex, the earth moves, the heavens part, whatever. If the sex is so great - and I assume your wife's world is being rocked too - why do you think she's indifferent to wanting sex more often?
> 
> I'm weighing in as a woman here. And what I'm saying is if the sex is really great, I'm going to want it on a regular basis.


I just don’t think it’s a priority. It’s like our kid trumps EVERYTHING. When we do it, she’s always says we need to do it again in some verbiage. More often than not when I go back again in a day or two, she’s always sore, or something to that effect. I’m not sure if it’s an excuse or is she really? Idk..I’m seeing a therapist today for the first time. Maybe that can give me some clarity and some direction. There is other little things happening now that make me feel uneasy and even paranoid..idk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Hm2 said:


> There is other little things happening now that make me feel uneasy and even paranoid..idk


Such as what?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay, so you've discussed the problem with your wife. A lot. Stop beating a dead horse. Talking is getting you nowhere.

I've been on this board for a long time. And it's practically written in stone: If the disgruntled/dissatisfied/unhappy party doesn't take ACTION, chances are (with about 99.9% assuredness) that nothing is going to change long-term.

Human nature is just that way. If there is no genuine threat that change must occur - or suffer the consequences - you end up with complacency. Your wife knows you're going nowhere. You know you're going nowhere. So there ya go. Homeostasis will be what you get. And no amount of talking will change that.


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## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

I saw a therapist today, and after giving her the story, she more or less asked me what I would do if I decided to worry about myself first..which, I had no answer to, because I feel like I’ve given over so much control to someone that is so damn selfish. So I’m looking at apartments. I deserve better, and I’m sure there’s someone out there who would more than appreciate me, and my qualities. So in a nutshell, it’s a wrap.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Have you considered that finally doing something and her seeing that for once you are serious that she may change? Or are you going for divorce full steam ahead based on one therapy session?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Hm2 said:


> There is other little things happening now that make me feel uneasy and even paranoid..idk


Care to elaborate?


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## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Have you considered that finally doing something and her seeing that for once you are serious that she may change? Or are you going for divorce full steam ahead based on one therapy session?


The dynamic needs to shift, and she either needs to get on board or not.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> My wife breastfed all our three kids until they were almost 5. And they all slept in our bed during all this time.


Your wife is one of those pitiful women who have absolutely NO identity unless they're spitting out kid after kid, nursing them until they leave for kindergarten (that is so gross), and then spending the next 10-20 years connected to them at their hips and needing to constantly have her face in everything they do. I can only imagine the HELL they'll have to deal with when they grow up and want to leave home for college or for a job.

I can imagine her getting up to the antics of the lunatic mother in the movie "Carrie" when each of those poor kids are packing to move elsewhere.

You're stuck with someone who only identifies as a mother. She has no use for you at all. And if your kid - at *7 years old* - is FINALLY done nursing on Mother Earth, why is she *STILL* in your bed? I'm guessing your wife doesn't work, probably never worked and the only thing this poor creature knows how to do is be a "super mom." She'll be so lost when these kids finally manage to escape her clutches.

If you choose to stay, better start saving for the massive psychotherapy bills you'll be dealing with when your kids all move out and she has nothing left.

You think I'm kidding. I'm not.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> My wife breastfed all our three kids until they were almost 5. And they all slept in our bed during all this time. It was really inconvenient for us. I often had to sleep on the edge of the bed, any movement and I am on the floor. To have sex we have to wait until they fall a sleep in our bed and then move to another bed in another room. But what could we do? These are the kids, our kids.





She'sStillGotIt said:


> Your wife is one of those pitiful women who have absolutely NO identity unless they're spitting out kid after kid, nursing them until they leave for kindergarten (that is so gross), and then spending the next 10-20 years connected to them at their hips and needing to constantly have her face in everything they do. I can only imagine the HELL they'll have to deal with when they grow up and want to leave home for college or for a job.
> 
> I can imagine her getting up to the antics of the lunatic mother in the movie "Carrie" when each of those poor kids are packing to move elsewhere.
> 
> ...


My wife not only beautiful and sexy, she is also an intelligent and highly educated. She has master degree and professional certification. She had career before we had kids and she resumed her career after 15 years when the youngest turned 8. She is very successful.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

romantic_dreamer said:


> My wife not only beautiful and sexy, she is also an intelligent and highly educated. She has master degree and professional certification. She had career before we had kids and she resumed her career after 15 years when the youngest turned 8. She is very successful.


That sounds awesome. But honestly, breastfeeding until 5 and all sleeping in the bed does inspire some thoughts of overattachment.
Glad for you, though. Sounds like a good wife


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Hm2 said:


> It’s like our kid trumps EVERYTHING





Hm2 said:


> I saw a therapist today, and after giving her the story, she more or less asked me what I would do if I decided to worry about myself first..


We are taught, as American men, to not think about ourselves first. It's a mistake.
It is not a mistake to think that we should put out extraordinary effort for wife and family.

The Mistake is thinking that we can be the best man that they need if we ignore our own needs. 
You can't be a good husband when you are emotionally detached. Sexless lifestyle leads to this every time.
You can't be a good father when you can't get a good nights sleep. CoSleeping leads to this.
And that's just the stuff you have mentioned.
How can you lead the family, when the child makes the decisions.
How can you plan family activities and vacations when you have to juggle the schedules of three sports and 2 dance classes?
How can your child have a healthy diet she is always eating on the run?
How can you bond with your wife or your daughter if you aren't given priority for dates and outings?

This is why the family Trumps everything , Not the kid. You are making the right decision to put yourself first from time to time. You are nearly out of emotional resources that you could give to your family.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> That sounds awesome. But honestly, breastfeeding until 5 and all sleeping in the bed does inspire some thoughts of overattachment.
> Glad for you, though. Sounds like a good wife


If I were a child I would suck milk from my wife's magnificent breasts until I am a teenager. Just kidding.

We did not plan to breastfeed them until that advanced age though I never saw any recommendations to stop intentionally. I remember very well US government recommends to continue breastfeeding post age of 3 if child does not stop himself or herself. 

All our kids were very hard to calm when they were little. They never slept during the day and often during the night. Breastfeeding was often the only option to calm them. She tried to stop them many times after they turned 3 but they just cried non stop. But yes, this all did affect our life and sex too. As parents we would have done anything for our children.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

romantic_dreamer said:


> If I were a child I would suck milk from my wife's magnificent breasts until I am a teenager. Just kidding.
> 
> We did not plan to breastfeed them until that advanced age though I never saw any recommendations to stop intentionally. I remember very well US government recommends to continue breastfeeding post age of 3 if child does not stop himself or herself.
> 
> All our kids were very hard to calm when they were little. They never slept during the day and often during the night. Breastfeeding was often the only option to calm them. She tried to stop them many times after they turned 3 but they just cried non stop. But yes, this all did affect our life and sex too. As parents we would have done anything for our children.


With all due respect breast feeding children at that age is very odd. My daughter has an 8 month old. Her pediatrician wants her son off formula and on solids by a year. There is no need for breast milk or formula anymore. What you are describing is children ruling the roost. They cry so you give in. I had a hell of a time getting my son off his pacifier. I sucked it up, took it away and listened to him scream for a couple of days. Is it fun? Nope but it is what you have to do as a parent.


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