# Husband isn't attracted to me. Please help.



## vsmiss2003 (Nov 24, 2009)

I have known my husband for 12 years. We dated all through our undergraduate careers. Then, when we broke up, we dated each others friends to piss each other off. We dabbled in threesomes when we were not "together" but still hanging out. After the 4 year relationship, we saw each other about once a year to "hook up". The last time we "hooked up" was in 2004 and he asked me to marry him. Of course I was thrilled, I had always been in love with him. I figured the old saying was true, "you let something go and if it comes back then it's really yours". 

We were married in 2005 and had a son in 2007. Daddy stays home with our son who goes to School 2 days a week. He also works part time from 6 - 10pm. 

I teach. I leave the house at 7 am and get home about 30 minutes before he leaves to go to work. I go to bed right after he arrives home. Needless to say, we don't have much time together.

However, I noticed, right after we got married we stopped having sex. We didn't even have sex on our honey moon. I mean. We've been having sex for 12 years so nothing new so I wondered if it was not just him adjusting to being "married". I begged for sex. I wanted it all the time. Every freaking website I visits talks about how when you get married the wife stops wanting to have sex.....total opposite here. 

We just started going to marriage counceling because we are not communicating, and there is no intimacy. The first session he said he wasn't attracted to me. I haven't changed a whole lot since we got married, so why did he marry me I asked. Because I was cool to hang out with he said and smart and the only female friend he had had for so long and trusted. 

All of these things are fine and dandy but i need some intimacy. He made excuses to the councelor "The baby is in the bed" I took the baby out of the bed. "She doesn't bathe before bed" I bathed, exfoliated, douched and shaved. 

Then last night I find where he has gotten online and applied to adult friend finder. That doesn't bother me so much. If he wants to look at some porn go ahead. However, his profile said. "Sex starved man up for just about anything who believes managomy is unnatural". 

I am devestated. What is the next step.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

vsmiss2003 said:


> "Sex starved man up for just about anything who believes managomy is unnatural".
> 
> I am devestated. What is the next step.


Show him the above quote, and ask for an explanation.

By the way, when you say you get no sex, how often is it. Presumably it happens occasionally?


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

wow, crazy. I never understand men like this!! It sounds like perhaps he was enjoying his single life and the fact that he's in a marriage and a monogamous relationship has flicked a switch inside him. Perhaps he enjoyed the free life of a single guy and just doesn't like the prospect of being with one person sexually forever. It doesn't sound like there's anything that has changed with you significantly so I don't know what to suggest. 

It's great that you're going to counseling but I don't know how affective it will be if he isn't being honest about how he's feeling. You're obviously trying to 'correct' all the things that he said were bothering him but there's something deeper that he doesn't want to admit to. 

Sorry for your situation, I think guys like this are insane and I just can't comprehend it. I would love to have a wife that begged for sex (I can't even write that without laughing). 

I think you need to confront him with what his profile said and take it into counseling. You may even want to speak with your therapist without him with these facts and get her/his opinion. He's not being honest with your or the therapist and he's obviously working on having some sexual encounters outside the marriage. 

It's time to find out if he really wants to get to the root of the problem or if he just wants to do his own thing and doesn't want to recognize and fix his issues. If that's the case you might want to call a lawyer and see what you need to do to protect yourself and your child.


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## Imlost (Nov 23, 2009)

You're not alone - I have some similar issues in my marriage - we've been together for almost 13 years.....we've had on and off periods.... I have a high sex drive - his.....not so much. I hear his friends say all of he time, "damn ur wife is cool" and I know they think i am attractive - i've heard complaints from their wives that I am the "chosen one to sleep with if they had to choose another wife..." But, hubby doesn't think so. I don't get it. I have super long hair - something he loves.....I am always shaved and ready to go - but sadly he is not. 

I am telling you this cause I want you to know that ur not alone and I don't think it's anything you're doing wrong. Hang in there...


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## vsmiss2003 (Nov 24, 2009)

Thanks for all you comments. I asked him to explain the quote. He said he loved me and would never cheat on me he was just checking it out one night and had to write something. He said he was sorry. I told him that didn't change anything. This was especially not what I needed right now. I already feel like crap since he told the therapist he isn't attracted to me. 

I told him if he wasn't attracted to me now he couldn't have been attracted to me when we got married because I am the same. 

I agree he is not being honest about himself. He has some issues he needs to work out in some individual therapy. I am glad he is going with me. I told him my biggest fear was that we would never have a happy marriage and he said "aren't we working on that?"

Glad to know that I'm not alone Imlost. Thanks. I will be taking this to the therapist. Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face because he is so infuriating. This is my answer to the request for patience?


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## vsmiss2003 (Nov 24, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> By the way, when you say you get no sex, how often is it. Presumably it happens occasionally?



It's maybe once every two months and it's hey baby lets do it right now...no foreplay...nothing...


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

There is definitely something wrong here. Make sure he doesn't hide what he does from you.

Best of luck!


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

Ok, I read your other post here and have come to the conclusion that your husband suffers from an extreme aversion to intimacy. I am NOT an expert and anything I say should be taken with a grain of salt. 

If you actually do turn him off it is not YOU as an individual, its your representation to him of intimacy. There is probably no one he is as intimate with as he is with you. Sex is- in some ways- the ultimate physical intimacy. People who have been sexually abused as children tend to have some pretty severe intimacy issues as adults. The quote from adult friend finder pretty much totally ties all of this together. 

My wife also was abused as a pubescent teen, but years of therapy and the unique nature of our relationship has resulted in us being monogamous, usually sexually satisfied and usually very intimate. 

I think the thing is with intimacy, like so many other things, sometimes it is there strong, sometimes it is not. Some people function best in a relationship when there is a constant low ddegree of intimacy. 

GRAIN OF SALT: and what I am saying may in fact be harmfull in your situation. It has been helpfull in mine with my wife though, so I'll share it with you. 

We fantasize with porn and toys and masturbation ALOT together. The more (porn) people and toys and fetish stuff involved, the less intimacy (in my experience) and she is really comfortable with that. It usually ends up with us having sex while she does something with a toy in two or three places on her and its not intimate loving sex but its something she really gets off on, maintains a high attraction to me, and allows her to feel 'safe' the whole time. 

The pressure being off, we are able to often also enjoy intimate, close, connective sex. 

Personaly, before her I was polyamorous...not a complete man-*****, but sexual relations with always at least three or four female friends. That felt good and natural. I met her and was just satisifed, and I think alot of that satisfaction was that we could both enjoy the same fantasy and totally and completely indulge each other in it. 

When we started getting close I told her I have no boundries, the relationship will define its self. Open to everything. Still am, though it would require an adjustment of my feelings for her if other people were involved (she says she doesn't need that anyways, the fantasy is quite enough). But she still knows I am open and I think that is like an emotional safety valve through which she can drain what she might feel to be excess intimacy. 

I really don't think she would be as attracted to me if I pushed the monagomy or really came to be an 'official' embodiment of it to her. In fact, I think to her I embody a controled polyamory that could break loose at any moment and which she desires to keep to her self. 

Just some thoughts and ideas. But I can say for sure, it sounds like an intimacy issue and it takes years of therapy and doing exactly the right things as a partner to maintain a happy relationship.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Does he want something in sex you've refused to do? Dress up like a cheerleader, use handcuffs, whatever?

Did you used to do playful fun stuff that you've stopped doing? Play strip poker, or domination checkers, or something?

If he really wants the excitement of the chase, you could role play as strangers. You dress up like a woman trying to get picked up in a bar, and go to a bar, and he can come in to pick you up. You play hard to get, of course, but teasingly suggest that if he plays his cards right he might get lucky.

If it's not too awful for you, you could even wear a wig or something and use a different name. (For some reason I'm getting lots of V names, like Valerie and Vanessa; not sure why that is.)


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

There is only one thing i can say here. When it comes to attraction, very little of it has to do with looks. Most of it has to do with the way he's perceiving you and your personality. 

This could be anything from him not being attracted because you became a mother, him being too used to you, you being more desperate/naggy lately.....and lots of other stuff. 

While this isn't exactly advice, if you're going to look for solutions, think of anything else that changed about you lately. Attitude, other stuff that happened in your marriage. Stuff like that. When two people meet, the physical part counts the most and they don't know eachother's flaws. Also, most of us act flirty and nice with people. The same can rarely be said in relation to our spouses, whom we share most daily problems with. This results in a person who is completely used to your looks. From this point on, if he sees a desperate, naggy, low self confidence person, while he might love you, he is unlikely to feel attraction towards you. This is a pretty basic rule for all married people. 

'I begged for sex. ' -> this combined with you getting married and him seing you as a sure thing is really not in your favor from a sexual point of view. Think of what you find attractive in a mate. Now imagine a mate who acted like you. Would you be attracted to that person?

'Because I was cool to hang out with he said and smart and the only female friend he had had for so long and trusted. ' this can also mean something. See if anything changed in that department. Are you still cool to hang out with? How about him trusting you, you still being a friend to him? People sometimes let you know what's wrong with them by simple phrases like this. 

Since he's probably not so sure what's missing for him, himself, he will try to find excuses for himself like the baby, you not bathing. Those excuses are as much for you as for himself, since he's probably also trying to figure out why he's not attracted to you anymore. As soon as you do either of them (since the real problem doesn't change), he'll just make more excuses, having cleared those from the list. When he exhausts excuses, he'll just probably jump to 'i don't know why i don't want to, i guess i'm just not into sex'. 

I've heard the monogamy one too...I've also said it myself. It's not monogamy that's the problem...it's just that you're attracted to certain features and attitudes in a person, and people tend to change when they are stressed, having kids, taking on new responsabilities. This also happens when you detach emotionally from someone. When a person who was nice to be around, happy and supportive suddenly transforms in an angry, agressive person that barely has energy to wash the dishes, your attraction to that person tends to go away too...and you tend to rationalize it by 'i'm bored and monogamy is unnatural'. Just like when you drink a TON of coffee and your head starts to hurt, if you notice you're sitting next to an open window with cool air, you'll most likely blame it on the window. Get it? People love to find excuses to justify something, just so that they can feel in control.


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