# Haven't posted in a while......



## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

A brief review of my situation. In Feb. my H told me about an affair and that he wasn't in love with me anymore. He had moved out for a few weeks in March but do to some circumstances had to come home. We are still trying to figure out how we can work it financially for him to move out. However, over the last few months, and mostly last few days, we have talked and talked about what went wrong. He doesn't want a divorce, and still hopes that we can fix our marriage, but says he needs to be on his own for a while. I don't like this idea at all, but am willing to give him his space. We have agreed that if we are going to keep the door to reconciliation open, first we have to fix our friendship. I told him that I could forgive all he's done, and maybe one day trust him again, but that we had to become friends again first, air out all our grievances, talk them through like we couldn't before, work on honesty and respect for each others feelings. I told him it wasn't going to be easy, but if we didn't do this, we'd never heal. So I don't know if we will get back together, but at least we are on the same page and are going to make the effort to mend some of the hurts. He said he wants to get "us" back, wants to feel about me the way he used to, so at least he hasn't completely given up. And I want to forgive him, move passed the pain, and feel good again. Wish us luck, I'll keep everyone posted.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

:smthumbup: So glad to hear that cantletgo...

I will keep you both in my prayers and continue wishing you luck in making this work... Remember to keep your head where it needs to be.. dont be so easy to forgive and forget.. Let him lie in the bed that he made for a while as you continue working on things... Wishing you the best !!!

Skin.......


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I wish you all the luck in the world. When I was looking for books about separation and divorce in my local bookstore, I found some books that focus on your situation, getting past infidelity. 

Actually one is entitled "Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" by Shirley P. Glass.

If you both are in the same page, and you are both willing to save your marriage it's a great start. Remember live the present, observe and be honest to you and your relationship. What I've learned from my failed marriage is that we were not honest to ourselves, our marriage was over a long time before it was actually over. We were not happy with each other but I guess being married called for patience or at least to try harder. 

I am happy that at least we tried and didn't bail out after a few months, even if we knew in our hearts that we were not compatible. There was love of course, but sometimes love is not enough, hard work, commitment and communications play the most important part of any relationship. Call it friendship, other relatives or a marriage.

Good luck and work hard, remember the past is the past and should stay that way. Live your present and don't worry too much about the future, it hasn't happened yet.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Oh, I haven't forgiven yet Skin, it's a process that will take a long time, but I can forgive him, that's the thing. Even if we don't get back together, we will always be in each other's lives because of the kids, and I'd rather us be amicable and not seething with resentment and hatred. So we will see how it goes.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Cantletgo,
I think you are very sensible. Healing and reconciliation does start with forgiveness. Does take a while to forgive and it is a process in and of itself. But while you’re working on forgiving don’t forget your personal boundaries. You need to think about them, construct them and kind of play about with them in your head by yourself before “declaring” them to your husband. At the time you do declare he will see a different person. Boundaries help us define what we don’t want in our life. The things we will no longer tolerate. From that point of view they’re a bit negative. But they do save us from further abuse.

You may want to declare your boundaries to your husband before you work on your forgiveness. If he doesn’t accept your boundaries and carries on in some way abusing you then your forgiveness will be a waste of time as far as he is concerned.

Bob


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Cool cant let go!

You can see in my signature that im not a fan of lugging the past around with you. So just my two cents is that .... There is no such thing as "going back" or "getting us back". There is only now and what will be. You can "air grievances" all you want but applying all the anger or frustration of the past issues really obscures who you each are today. Maybe a little time spent just getting to really re-learn yourselves as equals and see if there is acceptance for who each other is, including all that you may consider flaws. This is the guy youve spent you're life with. If you start over, (and this is for both of you) you're dealing with someone who you dont really know and does not have all the history of your respective ups and downs. Thats a beautiful thing to give up right?

Bottom line (mine  ) you cant carry around any baggage and things of the past dont really need to be resolved...Thats just a mind game/fcuk that your mind/ego plays on you.

Hope it all goes great for you guys.


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## Wetcheeks (Feb 1, 2010)

Cantletgo, I will pray for you! Your situation is similar to mine so I can very much relate. I do agree with AFEH that clarifying your thoughts and setting your boundries is essential, absolutely critical...if he is only willing to "work on it" in order to get back to the point where he has all the power and control to manipulate you how he sees fit then obviously you see my point...Being able to trust him with your boundries and know that he can and will respect that and work toward a relationship that values both of you and seek to accept both of you "warts and all" is a great basis for forgiveness...learn to trust him with your boundries first, build a new "us" together...Best of luck to you!


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