# I need help with my man!



## branz05 (Dec 24, 2014)

I don't know what to do. I'm a female that has a high sex drive, but my man doesn't. I've made comments several times in our relationship about needing sex more, but it doesn't seem to be changing. All I want is sex at least twice a week. I don't feel like that's too much to ask. We haven't had sex in almost two weeks, and it's driving me crazy.

I don't want to be the nagging woman, but I feel like that's what I am. Then, when we do have sex, we have to be really quiet, and it has to take place in our bedroom because of our girls. I want some loud amazing sex that lasts more than fifteen minutes. I know he loves lingerie, but I don't have a lot of time to put it on, and then I feel like if I do he may just turn me down as usual. I've always known my man isn't "all about sex," but I would love for him to take charge and make me feel wanted. I'm only 28 and he's 44, so I know his sex drive isn't as high as it used to be, but am I asking too much? 

My confidence is starting to fade. Please help! How do I fix this?


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

branz05 said:


> I want some loud amazing sex that lasts more than fifteen minutes. I know he loves lingerie, but I don't have a lot of time to put it on,


:scratchhead:

Please explain how putting on lingerie would take more time than the duration time of sex that you desire?



> and then I feel like if I do he may just turn me down as usual.


You won't know this for certain until you actually do it. You are the one who is turning yourself down with this mindset.


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## branz05 (Dec 24, 2014)

chaos said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> Please explain how putting on lingerie would take more time than the duration time of sex that you desire?
> 
> ...



I don't think that putting on lingerie would help the desired time, but I think it may affect him wanting to have sex. I've put it on several times before, but it was when our children were gone. Now our children are at home all of the time, so I can't greet him at the door in lingerie like I once could. I would love to wear lingerie more if I knew it would give me sex more. Lol. I even talked to him this morning about my frustration today because we could've had sex, and I told him I was horny. (Our children were out for a little bit) He said, "You didn't come out and tell me you wanted it." After five years, I would think he'd know that I'm ALWAYS ready to go. Haha. I don't want to keep having these spats.


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

I'm not sure about other male at this ages, but I'm in high drive and my lady let me have it every other day...sometimes twice a day. I do work out alot...5 times a week.


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## branz05 (Dec 24, 2014)

MotoDude said:


> I'm not sure about other male at this ages, but I'm in high drive and my lady let me have it every other day...sometimes twice a day. I do work out alot...5 times a week.


Do you think I should just let it go and then when he wants to have sex do it then, or should I continue to voice my frustration? My only fear with letting it go is that he can go months without sex... This is just too much for me.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I am in your boat. had sex one time in 6 months. I dont know any normal men that would not love sex all of the time. Gosh I wish I had your issues with my wife ..LOL...

That she wanted to have sex all of the time .. RIght now I am in the desert looking for water and I am really attached to it ..

I thought everyone would love sex especially if their partner took an interest in it and exploring, pleasing them and making them feel good....

I think my wife fell into some cave somewhere lately. She wasnt always like this in fact she used to be the initiator all of the time 
now she is the rejecter or "I am too tireder "

The weird thing is she tells me how great of shape I am in - and how great I am doing at the gym yet ------- has no interest in sex unless I initiate it 5 times to get it one time ..LOL


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## branz05 (Dec 24, 2014)

happybuddha said:


> I am in your boat. had sex one time in 6 months. I dont know any normal men that would not love sex all of the time. Gosh I wish I had your issues with my wife ..LOL...
> 
> That she wanted to have sex all of the time .. RIght now I am in the desert looking for water and I am really attached to it ..
> 
> ...


See, I thought the same thing... "Most guys want it a lot." My ex husband was always ready to go. I even told him I can do without it every day, or every other day. I just don't understand how he can be satisfied with once every two weeks. I took the "love language" test, and found out that my love language is physical touch. Shocker there. To me, sex is a way of connecting on a much stronger level. When I continually get turned down, I feel like he's not attracted to me. He's even said he's jealous because I'm attractive and he's afraid I may go somewhere else. I wouldn't, but if he finds me so attractive, why can't he keep his hands off of me? He'll hold hands and snuggle (which I'm not the biggest on), but that's it. We used to have sex in different places and different times. Now it's always the bed and nighttime.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

just random thoughts:
* is he self satisfying or getting some on the side?
* is ED an issue?
* hormonal imbalance?
* was he ever the HD in your relationship?
* is he out of shape?
* drugs and/or booze too much?


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

branz05 said:


> I don't think that putting on lingerie would help the desired time, but I think it may affect him wanting to have sex. I've put it on several times before, but it was when our children were gone. Now our children are at home all of the time, so I can't greet him at the door in lingerie like I once could. I would love to wear lingerie more if I knew it would give me sex more. Lol. I even talked to him this morning about my frustration today because we could've had sex, and I told him I was horny. (Our children were out for a little bit) He said, "You didn't come out and tell me you wanted it." After five years, I would think he'd know that I'm ALWAYS ready to go. Haha. I don't want to keep having these spats.


Even if the children are home, can't you wear something on top of the lingerie like a robe? :scratchhead:


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## branz05 (Dec 24, 2014)

naiveonedave said:


> just random thoughts:
> * is he self satisfying or getting some on the side?
> * is ED an issue?
> * hormonal imbalance?
> ...



He doesn't self-satisfy, and he's definitely not getting any on the side. He's never been one that's all about having a lot of sex. He refers to himself as a weird guy since he doesn't have to have it all the time. He doesn't have a problem getting it up, so I don't think ED is an issue. I'm not sure about a hormonal imbalance. I've thought maybe his testosterone could be low. What is HD? He's getting more out of shape, he has gained some weight since we've been together. He doesn't drink much, and doesn't do drugs.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

I take it that he wasn't this way prior to the two of you getting married, right?


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## branz05 (Dec 24, 2014)

chaos said:


> Even if the children are home, can't you wear something on top of the lingerie like a robe? :scratchhead:



I can definitely try it! One of our girls is a teenager, so she'd probably be "WHAT THE HECK?" haha. I may try it even closer to bed. Our little one goes to bed early, but the teenager stays up half the night. Plus it doesn't help that our house is so quiet you can hear anything. We've gotten to where we can't have sex anymore in the bed because it squeaks too loudly.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

branz05 said:


> Do you think I should just let it go and then when he wants to have sex do it then, or should I continue to voice my frustration? My only fear with letting it go is that he can go months without sex... This is just too much for me.


Stay here long enough, read enough archived posts, and you'll learn how this plays out over the long haul. I'll shortcut the study required of you and tell you outright that the chance of this improving much in your relationship is slim. 

It will take you a while to come to this conclusion too, even longer to accept it, and some time beyond that to decide what if anything to do about it, but mismatched desire hardly ever gets fixed, regardless of which spouse is the higher drive. People here will provide you with a lot of advice ranging from ruling out medical issues to going to marital counseling to divorce. What you will not find is a host of success stories on which to hang your hopes for the future. What success stores do exist are those where the lower desire spouse figured out (often on his or her own) that the problem was going to sink an otherwise happy marriage. The desire to fix this has to come from your husband, so the only tool you have in your tool chest is to make it abundantly clear how much this is hurting your feelings for him. 

Sorry, kid. We all feel for you.


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## branz05 (Dec 24, 2014)

chaos said:


> I take it that he wasn't this way prior to the two of you getting married, right?


Prior to marriage our girls were on the same schedule with our co-parents, so they would be gone the same weekend. We had sex every weekend that they were away and the nights they weren't home during the week. Now, they're on different schedules, so we always have one of them home. Once that happened was when the sex started declining.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How often does he want it?

Do you always initiate?

Does he?

Has he always had a low libido?


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## branz05 (Dec 24, 2014)

Cletus said:


> Stay here long enough, read enough archived posts, and you'll learn how this plays out over the long haul. I'll shortcut the study required of you and tell you outright that the chance of this improving much in your relationship is slim.
> 
> It will take you a while to come to this conclusion too, even longer to accept it, and some time beyond that to decide what if anything to do about it, but mismatched desire hardly ever gets fixed, regardless of which spouse is the higher drive. People here will provide you with a lot of advice ranging from ruling out medical issues to going to marital counseling to divorce. What you will not find is a host of success stories on which to hang your hopes for the future. What success stores do exist are those where the lower desire spouse figured out (often on his or her own) that the problem was going to sink an otherwise happy marriage. The desire to fix this has to come from your husband, so the only tool you have in your tool chest is to make it abundantly clear how much this is hurting your feelings for him.
> 
> Sorry, kid. We all feel for you.



Thanks a lot. I hope it gets through to him. Besides this, our relationship is amazing. We never argue over anything besides sex. I sure want it to work out!


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## branz05 (Dec 24, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Hi Branz,
> 
> First of all be careful with most advice you might get as most people here are in your same situation, but for men here the roles aroften reversed from that of yours, as in the men want more sex but the wife is lacking desire. So advice from like minded people of the opposite sex may have the best intentions, but nonetheless may not explain things from a male's perspective with low desire.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice! I definitely want to try anything.


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## branz05 (Dec 24, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> How often does he want it?
> 
> Do you always initiate?
> 
> ...


He doesn't ever make comments of when he wants it. In the past five years, he's initiated it maybe twice. Yeah, his libido has always been lower than the stereotypical guy.


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

Like many have said here on the forum, read enough and soon you'll find out. Take as much information on here as you can and learn from it and communicate with your man. I found this forum, 19 years too late, I wish I had found it the 1st month I was married...lol, then again world wide wet wasnt out yet.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

branz05 said:


> Prior to marriage our girls were on the same schedule with our co-parents, so they would be gone the same weekend. We had sex every weekend that they were away and the nights they weren't home during the week. Now, they're on different schedules, so we always have one of them home. Once that happened was when the sex started declining.


Can't you and your husband get your older daughter to babysit the youngest? You could tell her "We're willing to pay you to babysit IF you and your sister/brother stay away from us except for an actual emergency". If your husband is self conscious of the kids presence that it affects his libido, then a stay at a hotel every other week could be an alternative for the two of you.


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## branz05 (Dec 24, 2014)

chaos said:


> Can't you and your husband get your older daughter to babysit the youngest? You could tell her "We're willing to pay you to babysit IF you and your sister/brother stay away from us except for an actual emergency". If your husband is self conscious of the kids presence that it affects his libido, then a stay at a hotel every other week could be an alternative for the two of you.


This sounds like a great idea! I think their presence may be affecting him. I'll gladly pay for some time alone every now and then.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

You might also want to consider sexting him while he is at work. If you two have smartphones, you could send him pics and videos of yourself in lingerie while caressing your body. Foreplay is not just for women you know.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Unfortunately, this is likely to get worse over time. His sex drive is in its decline, and yours is likely ramping up. You could encourage him to get into shape, and encourage him to get a complete checkup, including testosterone levels.

C


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Temporary threadjack

To my fellow posters, 

So far branz05 and her husband have a sex life. Instead of offering doom and gloom comments, why don't we instead offer her ideas to try? If she tries them and they don't work, then she can consider other options.

End of threadjack.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

chaos said:


> Temporary threadjack
> 
> To my fellow posters,
> 
> ...


No one is stopping anyone from offering suggestions.

There's also nothing wrong with offering a realistic perspective. I have a 30 year uninterrupted sex life with a spouse too, one for which I have had to make many adjustments in expectations. 

Dan Savage has said outright on his podcast that he doesn't answer questions about sexual mismatch either in libido or tastes on the show because the problem is widespread and intractable. Most couples do not find a way around mismatched sexual desire that leaves both partners feeling fulfilled. This is not doom and gloom - this is reality. 

OP should try everything in her power to fix this problem. She should not waste 1, 2, or 3 decades of her marriage thinking that "if I just wait a little longer, he'll come around". The odds are very strongly against her, and she should know that. 

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The engineer sees the glass twice as big as it needs to be for the problem at hand. I like my glasses sized appropriately.


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## branz05 (Dec 24, 2014)

chaos said:


> You might also want to consider sexting him while he is at work. If you two have smartphones, you could send him pics and videos of yourself in lingerie while caressing your body. Foreplay is not just for women you know.


Oh, I'm good about doing this one! lol. He'll usually say, "WOW!"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The type of situation are your in is usually very confusing to women. We have always been told that all men want sex all the time. So when we end up with a man who does not want it all the time, we often assume that there is something wrong with us. About 20% of all marriages are sexless (sex 10 times a year or less).

The fact is that men are as likely as women to make a marriage sexless, or near sexless. You, as a woman, are far from alone in having a husband who seems to be disinterested in sex.

Here is a book that I think is a very good read for women in a marriage like yours.

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It by Berkowitz, Bob, Yager-Berkowitz, Susan


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

branz05 said:


> Oh, I'm good about doing this one! lol. He'll usually say, "WOW!"


Even though we men TEND to be very visual and graphic, we are not immune to being turned on by erotic stories. Try to depict in graphic detail everything you can think of and weave a Scheherazade like of story of the first time the two of you made love. Send it to him during work and see what happens. The brain is THE #1 SEX ORGAN, use it.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I too am in a HD vs LD marriage, so I know what you are going through.

As a man, I would say having a low sex drive LD is rare and odd.

He might have low testosterone levels and a family doctor is needed to prescribe regular test shots.

I am a very visual guy. So if I see a hot woman and how she's dressed, etc. I get turned on fast.

I could easily have sex every day but realistically, 2x week and I have to initiate because Mrs.CuddleBug usually never does.

I've read other posts of HD wives with LD hubbies and they found out their hubby was secretly gay, or seeing a female co worker, viewing porn, insecure about his being over weight, low test levels, stressed out about work and finances, or his wifee was over weight and he didn't want to tell her.

I just find it very odd for a hubby to be LD with his wifee who wants sex all the time.......very odd.:scratchhead:

You sound like an ideal wifee, HD adventurous, initiate, sexting.......wow, never had that with my wifee who also is more LD.

If I had a solution for you, I would share it.

Maybe he was abused as a child?:scratchhead:


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

OP is is not uncommon for men to be low drive, it is not true that all men want lots of sex, some are just not that sexual for a variety of reasons.

Out of all you have written here, the biggest indicator that he is just not a sexual person is the fact that sex has become a n issue since the kids are at home. People that love sex will work around issues like this, people that are not sexual will use it an an excuse.

We are a blended family here with 5 teens and almost teens, various combos of who is home when, lots of busy times. My partner and I have sex daily at a minimum even with a house full of kids. Where there is a will there is a way, my guess is that the will is not there with your husband, he is simply a low drive man and that is not odd or unusual.

The likelyhood of him changing is very slim.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Out of all the hundreds of male co workers at plants and shops I become good friends with and we chatted about everything including sex and our girlfriends and wives, etc., there were some that had low sex drives, very true, but the vast majority all complained about their girlfriends and wives not wanted sex enough, LD ladies.

At the current shop I work at, there are two average sex drive guys with two high sex drive ladies. These guys could have sex 3x to 4x week and are fine with it but their ladies want sex pretty much everyday. The guys have average sex drives. The rest of the guys all want more sex with the ladies, but it doesn't happen.....not one case in my shop of a guy who doesn't want sex and his woman is complaining and we chat about everything. And there even are a few guys that gave up because their women are LD so they don't initiate much anymore.

LD guys are out there but it is not as common as LD ladies. And a lot of the times, the guy seems to be LD because


- he is overweight and insecure, his lady is fit and hot
- he is addicted to porn
- he is seeing a female co worker
- he is gay
- he might have low test and needs regular shots from the Dr.
- his lady is over weight and he doesn't find her sexy
- maybe abused as a child
- maybe how he was raised


I now remember a good friend from high school and after we graduated, he got married and bought a house. He let his sister move into their basement suite until she could get on her own feet. During this time, his wifee told me he doesn't want sex much and that she was getting frustrated. Turns out he wasn't LD. He didn't want sex because his sister was renting their basement suite and he felt uncomfortable and maybe she would hear him having sex with his wifee......once his sister moved out years later, sex returned to healthy levels again. Odd story, but true.


What I have learned though, LD men and women usually never change and never see themselves as the issue. It's the HD men and women that are the issue and in the end do all the changing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug,

What kind of a place do you work at that you all talk about such intimate things to the point of men and women opening sharing the intimate details of their marriages?

I recall in the past you talked about women wearing short skirts and no underpants at work, showing a lot of cleavage, etc.

Both of these things are completely inappropriate at work... unless the women you described are sex workers as that's part of the trade.

How many men do you think would actually admit to a group of men that they are LD and withholding sex?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> CuddleBug,
> 
> What kind of a place do you work at that you all talk about such intimate things to the point of men and women opening sharing the intimate details of their marriages?
> 
> ...




Hi EleGirl,


Yup, us guys talk about everything, sex, size of our ladies, toys, and more, but not posting it here, because I could get banned.....one older guy is HD and likes to be spanked and hit by his wifee, 60's, he is from England and told me when he was younger, he worked at a shop were many of the ladies didn't wear panties and wore mini skirts. When he did jobs for them, they would flirt big time and especially when working on theri computers under the desks.....he told me at that shop and others, the ladies were just as bad as the guys wanting sex. Nice, eh?

And you ladies never talk about your marriages in detail amongst yourselves? We know that's not true.

Since ladies do talk to other ladies about everything, did you know, guys are similar? We don't tell our ladies this but we do it as well.

Men have testicles that produce testosterone. Women do not. Men do have much higher sex drives compared to women and it doesn't take much to get us in the mood either. The stars and moon don't have to align, etc.

I've worked in many shops and plants and we talked about everything, yes our relationships, marriages, sex lives, toys, fantasies, you name it. Hundreds of co workers and its not a big deal. Men and women are no different in that regard.

A few HD, even Ultra HD ladies do not make it the norm for all ladies.

Just like a few LD guys do not make it common for the guys and then it turns out they were over weight and insecure, porn, affair, gay, don't find their lady attractive due to being over weight but do still have healthy sex drives, just not with their ladies and this also goes for LD ladies who aren't LD, don't want sex with their men because of similar reasons. Neither tells each other the real reasons why they seem to be LD.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> CuddleBug,
> 
> What kind of a place do you work at that you all talk about such intimate things to the point of men and women opening sharing the intimate details of their marriages?
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I highly doubt some guy would say, yea, I'm low drive to a bunch of other guys, but the fact is that there are many low drive men out there, whether or not they admit it.

Op, I have a higher sex drive than my husband and I know how frustrating it can be. I've frequently been turned down for sex and he has all of the excuses for why we won't have sex(he's tired, has a head ache, doesn't feel good, wants to relax, needs to work on such and such project, etc.). It's hard to deal with especially because from an early age, we're fed the lies of a stereotype - "Men think about/want sex all of the time". That just isn't true. I would try to look into all possible reasons for why he's not interested and work on that, but it may just be that he has a lower sex drive and there is not much you can do about it. You can distract yourself and throw yourself into hobbies and other things, but it depends on what your deal breakers are.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If I knew everything I know at this point, I would of married a woman that is HD or Ultra HD, likes her feet sensually rubbed, footgasms, using toys, oils, you name it. I think women that are like this are the best thing in the world and I would be the happiest guy on earth.:smthumbup: TAM would be a shadow of itself.


Another example. Our shop recently hired a young guy, turned 18, grade 12, got his own car and drivers license. We get along so well, its like I'm his bigger brother. We talk about everything, and that includes our sex lives, my wifee, and his new girlfriend. He even tells me how many times they had sex, she is physically sore, and shows me some of her texts. We talk about it all. I learn from him and he learns from me.

Some years ago, an older guy was having erectile disfunction and we chatted about it. I learned a lot about ED from him and he even brought me a viagra pill. I took it and it did nothing for me. He said, you don't have ED so it won't work for you but for him, it worked very well. Did that mean he is LD? No. He is just getting older and needs some meds to help him out so he can please his lady and take care of business. He loves sex by the way.

Is this inappropriate? Not at all.

Ladies do this all the time, so why are guys any different? We are not.

Now do I go telling other guys about what I chatted about with these guys? No. Just between us and that goes for all the guys.


If there was only a sure way to find out who is really LD and then to avoid dating and marrying them.


Take the 5 love languages quiz and then compare to each other afterwards. You might be surprised at the results.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/


I took the quiz and I'm Physical highest rating 12. Makes sense why I am so physical for everything and love sex all the time.

Mrs.CuddleBug also took the quiz and she is........Acts of Service highest rating 12. Now I understand why she is more LD. It makes her happy to sexually please me and that connection but she can go many weeks of nothing and not see it as an issue.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Another example. Our shop recently hired a young guy, turned 18, grade 12, got his own car and drivers license. We get along so well, its like I'm his bigger brother. We talk about everything, and that includes our sex lives, my wifee, and his new girlfriend. He even tells me how many times they had sex, she is physically sore, and shows me some of her texts. We talk about it all. I learn from him and he learns from me.
> 
> *Is this inappropriate? No at all.*


:scratchhead::scratchhead: Um, yes, it is inappropriate! That is not something that should be shared among co-workers. I can't imagine the company being ok with that. I would not even share those things with friends and most definitely would never share anything remotely close to that at work. 



CuddleBug said:


> Ladies do this all the time, so why are guys any different? We are not.
> 
> Now do I go telling other guys about what I chat about with this young guy? No. Just between the two of us and that goes for all the guys.


Ladies don't do this all the time. I certainly don't and I know none of my female friends do either.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

How are you going to learn if you don't talk about it???

You won't.


I am not uncomfortable talking about sex with my friends and coworkers and they do with me. It is personal, yes but also confidential. What we chat about with each other, stays with each other and no one else.


If I never would chat about this with my friends and coworkers, I would know very little at this point.


I am not the one uneasy talking about sex. Almost nothing bothers me. I can talk about it all.


I know quite a few ladies who do chat about "everything" and that is the norm. Nothing wrong with that.


It is how you were raised. Shy, conservative, don't talk about it......OR, not shy, not conservative, and do talk about it so we can learn.


Its all about the maturity of the individual. Doesn't matter if they're 18, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, etc.


I used to listen to the Dr Laura Schlesinger show all the time. Loved that lady.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> Yup, us guys talk about everything, sex, size of our ladies, toys, and more, but not posting it here, because I could get banned.....


It is grossly disrespectful to your spouses to be sharing intimate details of your marriages, your spouse’s body and your sex life with our spouse with people. 
If I ever found out that my spouse did this with people at work, it would have a very hard time trusting him ever again.
It is also a very bad idea for men and women to share details for their marital sex life. Such intimate sharing often leads to affairs.


CuddleBug said:


> one older guy is HD and likes to be spanked and hit by his wifee, 60's, he is from England and told me when he was younger, he worked at a shop were many of the ladies didn't wear panties and wore mini skirts. When he did jobs for them, they would flirt big time and especially when working on theri computers under the desks.....he told me at that shop and others, the ladies were just as bad as the guys wanting sex. Nice, eh?


Sounds like this guy has a great fantasy life. You do know that there are men who are cads and brag (read lie) and make up stories, right? Sure it might have happened. But note that the entire story is centered on showing what a stud he is and how the women were all over him. And then he throws in a bit of fantasy about no panties. 


CuddleBug said:


> And you ladies never talk about your marriages in detail amongst yourselves? We know that's not true.
> 
> Since ladies do talk to other ladies about everything, did you know, guys are similar? We don't tell our ladies this but we do it as well.


I am sure that there are women who do the same thing you guys do. There are a lot of people who have little to no boundaries and do not respect their spouse’s right to privacy. 

But not all people do this. I have never shared intimate things with people I work with or friends. It’s none of their business.



CuddleBug said:


> Men have testicles that produce testosterone. Women do not. Men do have much higher sex drives compared to women and it doesn't take much to get us in the mood either. The stars and moon don't have to align, etc.


I’m sorry that your wife is not all that into you. But do not paint all women to be like your wife. 

It’s a fact that men chose to make their marriages sexless about as often as women do. This might not fit your view of the world. But that does not matter. Women whose husbands refuse sex are generally shamed into believing that something is wrong with them. So knowing that men are as likely to do this as women are, it helps the sex deprived woman deal with the issue. It helps her stop blaming herself and helps her approach the problem in a healthier manner.

There are many men who are low drive. And many women who are high drive. What matters to people like the OP is or is not the ‘norm’. What matters is what is going on in her relationship. 



CuddleBug said:


> I've worked in many shops and plants and we talked about everything, yes our relationships, marriages, sex lives, toys, fantasies, you name it. Hundreds of co workers and its not a big deal. Men and women are no different in that regard.


As I said, yes there are both men and women who have weak boundaries. You apparently work with a lot of them.



CuddleBug said:


> A few HD, even Ultra HD ladies do not make it the norm for all ladies.


It’s very debatable how HD/LD men and women are on average. Women are taught from an early age to be ashamed of their sexuality and suffer a lot of social stigma for being sexual. We are taught to hide our sexuality. So it’s hard to even study the real differences in sex drive between the genders.
Look at the younger generations of women who have mostly been taught that their sexuality is ok. We are seeing young women are as sexually out there as men are. 
However, discussing this is a thread jack because to the OP, what percentages of men and women are HD/LD does not matter. What matters is what she is actually dealing with. What matters is that she wants a healthy sex life in her marriage and her husband does not want sex with her.



CuddleBug said:


> Just like a few LD guys do not make it common for the guys and then it turns out they were over weight and insecure, porn, affair, gay, don't find their lady attractive due to being over weight but do still have healthy sex drives, just not with their ladies and this also goes for LD ladies who aren't LD, don't want sex with their men because of similar reasons. Neither tells each other the real reasons why they seem to be LD.


Yep, that’s exactly what was said here, men chose to make their marriage sexless as often as women do. There are many reasons for this. And often it’s not that the men and who are LD, it’s that they don’t want sex with their spouse. And of course they have no real communication.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

And I loved that lady Sue Johanson too.:smthumbup:


I would loved to have married a woman like Holland, you EleGirl or others that are HD, Ultra HD, feet, etc......just amazing, but that unfortunately is not my situation and not for many on TAM either and it sucks.

All you really can do is "talk about it", on TAM, or in person with others and learn.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> I used to listen to the Dr Laura Schlesinger show all the time. Loved that lady.


What does she have to do with you and your co-workers sharing intimate details of your sex life, your wife's body, etc.? 

That is something that she would not go along with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> And I loved that lady Sue Johanson too.:smthumbup:
> 
> 
> I would loved to have married a woman like Holland, you EleGirl or others that are HD, Ultra HD, feet, etc......just amazing, but that unfortunately is not my situation and not for many on TAM either and it sucks.
> ...


There are many women here, like the OP, who would love to have a husband who was high drive. 

You have managed to thread jack and make this thread about you, not the OP.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

It seems only the ladies opinions and experiences really matter here......and you will never see the whole picture only from a woman's perspective. You have to see it from both sides.


The 5 love languages quiz, dr laura schlesinger and Sue Johanson.......all are great sources.


Her hubby could be low drive because:

- he might be over weight, insecure and she it hot
- he might of been abused as a child
- he might be seeing a female co worker
- he might be secretly addicted to porn
- he might not find her attractive
- maybe he is into guys
- maybe he was raised this way about sex
- could really be low test levels


All this will help.

My life experiences are mine, true but we are to learn from each others experiences. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't but at least the info is there, instead of complaining, dissecting and not doing much else. I only brought up some of my life experiences when I was asked about it......


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> We talk about everything, and that includes our sex lives, my wifee, and his new girlfriend. He even *tells me how many times they had sex, she is physically sore,* and shows me some of her texts. We talk about it all. I learn from him and he learns from me..


LOL telling you that she is sore? Really? You do know that this is his way of bragging what stud he is, right? Why he is so big and pounds her so hard that he leaves her sore.. by golly what a MAN!!!

Why is any business of yours who often his gf has sex and whether or not she is sore. He should ask her how she feels about him telling all kinds of people about the intimate details of their sex life.



CuddleBug said:


> Some years ago, an older guy was having erectile disfunction and we chatted about it. I learned a lot about ED from him and he even brought me a viagra pill. I took it and it did nothing for me. He said, you don't have ED so it won't work for you but for him, it worked very well. Did that mean he is LD? No. He is just getting older and needs some meds to help him out so he can please his lady and take care of business.


If he is talking about his own sexual issue, like ED, then he's just talking about himself. It's a medical issue.

That's very different from telling people intimate details about the actual sex with one's spouse, that they are sore, etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> It seems only the ladies opinions and experiences really matter here......and you will never see the whole picture only from a woman's perspective. You have to see it from both sides.


Apparently you have a reading comprehension problem. If you go back and read, you will see that the OP was given info to help her look at all sides. Books were recommended that will help her do this.
You on the other hand have spent many posts saying why the men are the ones who have the right to complain about LD and sexless marriage, women don’t.



CuddleBug said:


> Her hubby could be low drive because:
> 
> - he might be over weight, insecure and she it hot
> - he might of been abused as a child
> ...


All of this has been discussed and the OP has been provided a link to a resource that discusses this in very deep detail. And yes women have provided this kind of support to the OP just as some men have. 
I don’t know why you ignore this.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

I work in a factory as well - convos like this are absolutely the norm.
Keep in mind we work a lot of hours together, many years together, and are with each other more often than our own families.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug,

I started a thread just for you.....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ils-marriage-sex-life-co-workers-friends.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

notmarriedyet said:


> I work in a factory as well - convos like this are absolutely the norm.
> Keep in mind we work a lot of hours together, many years together, and are with each other more often than our own families.



Can I talk you into posting on this thread?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ils-marriage-sex-life-co-workers-friends.html


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

*Re: Re: I need help with my man!*



EleGirl said:


> Can I talk you into posting on this thread?
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ils-marriage-sex-life-co-workers-friends.html


Certainly - sorry! !!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Wow, sorry but sharing of that amount of info, to that many people and in detail is just way out of line for me. Is this a socio economic thing? Are these people all lower class with no education, no understanding of boundaries, no respect?

I will talk sometimes in very basic terms such as "our sex life is rocking" to friends but never deep details. Mr H has his guy banter at the sports club but never at work, he is in high level management and it would be seriously out of order to talk like that.

Maybe the guys at your work aren't getting it so much CB because their partners feel disrespected due to be the center of gossip about intimate details of their lives.

And again, LD men are out there. Men do not have the monopoly of being HD. To keep denying this only serves to hurt people like tho OP and the men out there that are LD. There is nothing wrong with being LD as long as you are open about it before comitting to a relationship and it is not a gender issue.


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