# Newly dating after loss of spouse not divorce



## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

I don’t even know if I’d call it dating. But, the run down is. I met a guy through whisper by replying to a whisper he’d made. I was in there posting my own rants, but we struck up a pen pal kind of situation, exchanging emails and have been emailing for a few months now.

he’s a Christian man, we often share bits of our Bible studies, what we read, what we got from it. We have the same values as far as children, politics, general character, ect yet, seem to be quite opposite in the same token. Which I don’t see as a bad thing, he’s just definitely out of the norm for me.

But what do I really know from the norm? I was married for almost fifteen years to my LH who killed himself back in March. This guy has been a great friend to me, he knows all the details of my past relationship with my husband. All of it and a little more I’ve not completely shared on here TBH.

I thought, wth, he’s a stranger and has great insight from the out looking in, I’ll spill my guts. Thought for sure by now he’s be running for the hills. He’s not and things have evolved lately in the last month and I’m kind of at a loss.

Now I know the right man will love me through the mess I’m in, won’t be afraid to be apart of healing and help me be even better than before. I know there are men out there like this. I just can’t imagine there’s one, 1000 miles away who interested in seeking me out. It’s crazy. But it’s happening.

While I know I need to be cautious, it would be easy to be preyed upon, everything has checked out thus far. We’ve spoken on the phone, added each other on FB, besides literally doing a background check, I don’t know what else more I could do to feel secure about this man. He wants to plan a trip to drive to meet me. His job is flexible as an IT professional and he would stay in a hotel nearby, we’d meet up once my son is in school for the day, kind of date I guess you’d say. Feel each other out?

Besides crushing my dream right off the bat, lol anyone else have any experience in this type of realm? I’ve never been on a dating site, still have ventured to set up a profile but I guess that’s simply because of where this seems to be headed? 

Idk, I just wanted to share as I’m excited, I’m being as cautious as I can be and… I just don’t know?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do you chat to each other on face time or whatever? What is his history?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do you chat to each other on face time or whatever? What is his history? Is he involved in a church?

I believe you were separated from your husband? Do you feel you are in anyway over what happened because it's very soon. It took me 4 years to date again after my divorce. Do you think you are emotionally ready? Or do you think he is more of a friend only?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Do you chat to each other on face time or whatever? What is his history? Is he involved in a church?
> 
> I believe you were separated from your husband? Do you feel you are in anyway over what happened because it's very soon. It took me 4 years to date again after my divorce. Do you think you are emotionally ready? Or do you think he is more of a friend only?


He is in church yes, active in weekly mens Bible studies, has a ten year old son. We were not separated. I was sleeping in a other room in our home but that was the extent of it. I truly don’t know I’ll ever be over what happened.

Now I don’t let it eat me alive day in and day out. I do agree at just shy of 5 months out, it can seen from the outside as soon. I also believe I lost my husbanda long while before he died. So while the manner in which he died is traumatic to me, leaving me without any resolve, I know I did everything I could to save whatever was left of us. It was in his court to make some changes and he just wouldn’t or felt he couldn’t and he ended his life.

We have video chatted yes. It’s not super often as my son is always around obviously and we are both in the same page of not introducing each other in any form to either kids unless we know there is something deeper to pursue. 

He is divorcee, divorced in 2020 from his ex. I don’t know all the details of the why, the general incompatible, rushed into marriage kind of thing I’m his twenties, he’s not shy to share though.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

As long as he is not asking for money (see other current thread), I say what do you have to lose? He’s driving out to see you? 1000 mile drive? Expectations will be high for him. You might want to get someone to watch your child. Let people know where you are. Likely, this is a rebound for both of you but I say have fun and go with it.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> As long as he is not asking for money (see other current thread), I say what do you have to lose? He’s driving out to see you? 1000 mile drive? Expectations will be high for him. You might want to get someone to watch your child. Let people know where you are. Likely, this is a rebound for both of you but I say have fun and go with it.


I had my rebound I believe already unfortunately. Pretty ashamed really to admit it. He was an old friend and just.. bad idea. He nice enough of course but definitely used me. 

And it’s funny your bring that up because he said the same thing. He thinks he’s gotten his out of the way. But who really knows? Definitely NOT asking me for
money in any form. He wants me to come to where he lives in the fall to a concert with some of his friends and spend a few days before I go on a trip to Mexico I’ve had planned for over a year. 

But he is like I totally get being a woman, on your own and meeting someone you don’t KNOW which is why I’d like to come see you first, spend a few days there when you’re son is in school and your off work. But he’s also NOT once been pushy about it.

And you’re right, I believe his expectations are high too. Idk. I feel like if he’s willing to travel that distance, stay in a hotel, it’s must be worth checking out.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I had my rebound I believe already unfortunately. Pretty ashamed really to admit it. He was an old friend and just.. bad idea. He nice enough of course but definitely used me.
> 
> And it’s funny your bring that up because he said the same thing. He thinks he’s gotten his out of the way. But who really knows? Definitely NOT asking me for
> money in any form. He wants me to come to where he lives in the fall to a concert with some of his friends and spend a few days before I go on a trip to Mexico I’ve had planned for over a year.
> ...


Personally, a 1000 mile DRIVE is crazy for someone you’ve never met. I wouldn’t do it. So he’s really into you and can’t afford airfare or he’s really desperate. You will have to figure that out. I’m not much for the whole bible religious thing, but I guess that’s a connection for the both of you. He’s assuming all the responsibility, so I’d say go for it. I’d also put the horses back in the barn regarding future trips until you know this first one is a success. Good luck!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> He’s driving out to see you? 1000 mile drive?


yeah, maybe he could get the plane instead of driving?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Until you have met in person it's not real at all. Careful there.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> Personally, a 1000 mile DRIVE is crazy for someone you’ve never met. I wouldn’t do it. So he’s really into you and can’t afford airfare or he’s really desperate. You will have to figure that out. I’m not much for the whole bible religious thing, but I guess that’s a connection for the both of you. He’s assuming all the responsibility, so I’d say go for it. I’d also put the horses back in the barn regarding future trips until you know this first one is a success. Good luck!


Given our locations Airfare is not in fact cheaper than driving but too, he wants to be able to drive around when im busy either with my son or the days I work if he’s here then. After airfare and renting a car, it’s not totally crazy to just drive your own vehicle. I don’t think he is desperate, well, desperate maybe in the sense for the values I hold that he hasn’t found there..so maybe. But I get the concern entirely.

But that’s what I’m saying, it’s on him and the fact he’s willing to go that far? What else do I have to lose really when it’s in my neck of the woods and I’ll have friends near me, ect. Im not keeping it a secret or anything.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Until you have met in person it's not real at all. Careful there.


Totally agree. This is that step.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I personally don’t think a 1000 mile trip is all that bad. It is still done in one day. He’s divorced, so he has extra time on his hands. His son will stay with his mother and then what else does he have to do? If he finds you attractive and interesting, I see no reason why not drive out there and see what happens? I don’t necessarily consider this a creepy or desperate move.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I personally don’t think a 1000 mile trip is all that bad. It is still done in one day. He’s divorced, so he has extra time on his hands. His son will stay with his mother and then what else does he have to do? If he finds you attractive and interesting, I see no reason why not drive out there and see what happens? I don’t necessarily consider this a creepy or desperate move.


This was my thought process but I couldn’t articulate it. This really is the situation. Thanks for the encouragement, this is totally out of my wheel house.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> This was my thought process but I couldn’t articulate it. This really is the situation. Thanks for the encouragement, this is totally out of my wheel house.


I follow you. No worries.

you are an adult. You can make your own decisions. It’s been many years since you’ve been dating. It’s not like it was when we are in our early 20s. All the time in the world and no money.

you get divorced/widowed later on in life and you’ve got a career. All of a sudden, you have some extra time - but now you have the means to do something like a 1000 mile trip.

it sounds like you all have some good things you both agree upon in order to build a base.

nothing In life is guaranteed. As long as your head is on straight and you take care of your safety, I say go for it. What do you have to lose? Might as well go for something that has a chance at really making you happy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Remember if it works out one if you will have to uproot and move. As he has shared parenting that would likely have to be you. Would you be ok with that?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Remember if it works out one if you will have to uproot and move. As he has shared patenting that would likely have to be you. Would you be ok with that?


It's a very good point by Diana.

My personal thought for something like this is if you really have found that person you are supposed to be with, you'll work together to find a way. There are always jobs and living arrangements in another town/city.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LATERILUS79 said:


> It's a very good point by Diana.
> 
> My personal thought for something like this is if you really have found that person you are supposed to be with, you'll work together to find a way. There are always jobs and living arrangements in another town/city.


Yes if one is definitely prepared to move its fine. Many though don't want to move away from their child's school, their home, their friends and their family. Other cant move because they share child custody. If neither are able to or don't want to its not worth persuing as more than just a long distance friendship.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You have nothing to lose meeting him. At least you’ll know he is real 😊


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Yes if one is definitely prepared to move its fine. Many though don't want to move away from their child's school, their home, their friends and their family. Other cant move because they share child custody. If neither are able to or don't want to its not worth persuing as more than just a long distance friendship.


All of my family is actually in another state. His job would allow him to live anywhere. My son is just starting school this year and this would be a hard decision after everything that’s gone on. Time will tell. It’s not something we can just decide at the start of something. But it’s definitely something that will need to be considered.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> All of my family is actually in another state. His job would allow him to live anywhere. My son is just starting school this year and this would be a hard decision after everything that’s gone on. Time will tell. It’s not something we can just decide at the start of something. But it’s definitely something that will need to be considered.


I believe he shares custody of a child so presumably he would need to live reasonably near the childs mother and childs school etc.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> He nice enough of course but definitely used me.


I assume this means that you had sex with him. Correct?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I believe he shares custody of a child so presumably he would need to live reasonably near the childs mother and childs school etc.


His child is old enough to fly unaccompanied if needed. There’s no telling where this will go so we definitely aren’t to that point. Believe me I do understand all these things are factors potentially. 
If I obsess over all the little details I might as well say forget it entirely. 

my husbands children flew back and forth between their mom and dad when we relocated due to work. It is possible. Ideal? Not necessarily. Also, I don’t have family here. We moved herealmost three years ago. I have some great friends I’ve made and wonderful church family but beyond the at and my sons school beginning, im not hard pressed to stay here forever.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Sfort said:


> I assume this means that you had sex with him. Correct?


you hit the head on the nail. Unfortunately.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> His child is old enough to fly unaccompanied if needed. There’s no telling where this will go so we definitely aren’t to that point. Believe me I do understand all these things are factors potentially.
> If I obsess over all the little details I might as well say forget it entirely.
> 
> my husbands children flew back and forth between their mom and dad when we relocated due to work. It is possible. Ideal? Not necessarily. Also, I don’t have family here. We moved herealmost three years ago. I have some great friends I’ve made and wonderful church family but beyond the at and my sons school beginning, im not hard pressed to stay here forever.


I couldn't and wouldn't move 1000 miles away from my child but that's just me.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I couldn't and wouldn't move 1000 miles away from my child but that's just me.


I wouldn’t either.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I believe he shares custody of a child so presumably he would need to live reasonably near the childs mother and childs school etc.


They haven’t even met yet and now planning for a move across the country? As I said before, put those horses back in the barn, y’all! That’s my best southern impression.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> They haven’t even met yet and now planning for a move across the country? As I said before, put those horses back in the barn, y’all! That’s my best southern impression.



I 100% agree.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> you hit the head on the nail. Unfortunately.


Why unfortunately?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Why unfortunately?


Just a bad decision I wish I hadn’t made. I was distraught, emotionally wrecked and let my feelings rule me.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Hey, when is he coming to meet you? Like, sometime soon?

just wanted to wish you luck. I hope you enjoy yourself spending time with him. I’ve read your previous threads. You’ve been through a lot. You could use a break and have something nice for a change.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Hey, when is he coming to meet you? Like, sometime soon?
> 
> just wanted to wish you luck. I hope you enjoy yourself spending time with him. I’ve read your previous threads. You’ve been through a lot. You could use a break and have something nice for a change.


Thank you for your positive comment. Truly. We’re working on a date. Probably won’t be until next month I imagine once both our kids are back to school.

Again thanks for the positivity. It’s made my day and this week alone has been a rough one for me.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> .....I met a guy through whisper by replying to a whisper he’d made.
> 
> .......he’s a Christian man, we often share bits of our Bible studies,
> 
> ...


March seems a little early to be dating after the trauma of a 15-year spouse suicide. You probably should be in therapy and asking your therapist when you should start dating AFTER you have emotionally healed from the death of your spouse. 

Speaking of emotional healing, you should be wondering about the emotional health of your school age son and how he might take to you starting to date within just a few months of his dad's death.

I think you are moving way too fast for both your sake and the sake of your son.

Good luck.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> March seems a little early to be dating after the trauma of a 15-year spouse suicide. You probably should be in therapy and asking your therapist when you should start dating AFTER you have emotionally healed from the death of your spouse.
> 
> Speaking of emotional healing, you should be wondering about the emotional health of your school age son and how he might take to you starting to date within just a few months of his dad's death.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the feedback.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I’d think a background check would be in order. Starting with him, on your next video chat, pulling his drivers license out of his waller and holding it up to the camera so you can get his name, address, and drivers license number — as well as a screenshot.

Also, I think it’s important to loop in someone from real life that you trust, and let him know that you have (but not who exactly).

That’s important imho for your safety, but also for your kid’s.

You can be optimistic, yet at the same time take precautions that someone who would care about you would want you to take.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

If I were starting over, and concerned about protecting myself, I’d have the conversation with him where you each reveal what you think would most likely scare the other person off. Get it out of the way. I’d try to do that BEFORE the meet, because expectations could be too high, based on the amount of travel involved. If women are worried about the expectation a guy might have that there’d be sex after a fancy day capped off with an extravagant meal, what might a 1000 mile drive merit?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

This seems ok to me as long as you take reasonable precautions already mentioned in this thread.

I don't berate the guy because he drives 1000 miles. I like to drive so that wouldn't be a weird thing for me to do at all.

It sounds safe enough, just stay in public areas in the first go round.
If you get bad vibes don't second guess those! Run!

Also, don't let good vibes and high emotions override common sense.

You wouldn't have to plan your future before taking the first step, but it is good to keep those ideas close by.
You don't want to get super-attached to him only to find out it will never work.

Baby steps + plenty of caution...I like it and wish you the best of luck.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I don’t even know if I’d call it dating. But, the run down is. I met a guy through whisper by replying to a whisper he’d made. I was in there posting my own rants, but we struck up a pen pal kind of situation, exchanging emails and have been emailing for a few months now.
> 
> he’s a Christian man, we often share bits of our Bible studies, what we read, what we got from it. We have the same values as far as children, politics, general character, ect yet, seem to be quite opposite in the same token. Which I don’t see as a bad thing, he’s just definitely out of the norm for me.
> 
> ...


Have you met online yet? Skype, Teams, etc?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

aine said:


> Have you met online yet? Skype, Teams, etc?


Jumping in to answer this... she mentioned "Yes" to that here:



Bulfrog1987 said:


> We have video chatted yes. It’s not super often as my son is always around obviously and we are both in the same page of not introducing each other in any form to either kids unless we know there is something deeper to pursue.


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