# She is contacting TOM again. Unbiased opinions please.



## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Last week, Sept 5, hit the one month mark since my wife told me about her EA. No contact with the OM had been made for that entire month. On Sept 1 I decided to have a chat with her. I sat her down and told her that she knows what i expect, what boundaries are, and that I don't want her to contact him but that I was giving her her complete freedom to heal her pain without my jealousy or superstitions bothering her. I promised to not bring anything up about the past and to not mention anything I find out. I pretty much gave her her freedom. 100% 

So they are sending FB messages again. Talking about missing each other like crazy and other things along those lines.

I am sticking to my plan because I feel in control of myself finally and to be honest I am not even bothered about any of this.

What are your thoughts?
Should I be mad? I'm not.
Should I worry?
Is it possible she could just be his friend and nothing more?

I'm open to anything.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

tj71 said:


> Is it possible she could just be his friend and nothing more?
> 
> I'm open to anything.


It is not possible that they are just friends.

All bets are off since she does not respect your boundaries.

Snap out of it, your wife is cheating.


You need to call her out on this and deal with it if you want any chance of a decent marriage.


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## vince325 (Sep 8, 2010)

I agree with Michzz. It appears that they are more than friends. My suggestion to you is to tell her that the Facebook account has to be deleted. If she refuses, that should tell you her level of dedication in wanting to work on the marriage. Choosing Facebook=choosing him. If she was committed 100% to the marriage, she would respect and do what needs to be done to make it work. That would include absolutely no more contact with him ever again. Zero.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

> What are your thoughts? - time to rock the boat and break her relationship with the OM
> 
> 
> Should I be mad? I'm not. – You should be hurting and must fight for your marriage..
> ...



I have not read your other posts and may be giving you duplicate advice.

Have a standard script to say to all , keep to it , mention that your wife is in an emotional affair and is having excessive emotional contact with the OM (use his name if you have it)

Get a key logger loaded on your pc, buy a professional package.

If you have not already done so tell your wife that the contact with “friend” is hurtful to you and is damaging your marriage and must stop – do not fight or get embroiled in an argument, one way dialog then step back.

Get her facebook password and keep a record.

Tell her family she is in an EA

Tell her best friends she is having and affair and you are trying to save your marriage follow the script you wrote. 

Find out who tom is in as much detail as you can, where he works who are his friends on facebook , as much personal information as you can. Is he married, mobile number etc.. 

Do this all very quickly 

Login into her facebook account, change the password, post a message to all saying something like XXX is conducting an affair with Wife and this is damaging your marriage. etc words to that effect. Delete any post he posts in opposition. 

She will change the password again, key logger should will pick it up the new one 


Tell toms family, friends co-workers etc..

You need to break the link so you can focus on your marriage with your wife.


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

I agree with Vince and Michzz she is cheating!! She is still in the fog of TOM is great and understands her where you just don't understand. I believe that women/men can't truly be just friends. When I first found out my hubby had a EA I told him right then at that moment no more contact with the OW or I wouldn't give us a 
2nd chance..He yelled at me for days that I was controling that they where just friends I told him that if she was truly his friend she wouldn't want to come between us. After his fog left he saw that I was right the whole time about her. If you want your wife back you need to put a stop to this.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

michzz said:


> It is not possible that they are just friends.
> 
> All bets are off since she does not respect your boundaries.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

You are not setting boundaries, you are letting her walk all over you. Your marriage will never get better until TOM is out of * your Marriage*. He is a poison. It is not unusual for a spouse to stub their toe in ending an affair but if you give her a pass every time she will never end it. After my wife stubbed her toe a couple of times it came down to an ultimatum. She had to make a choice or I would and that choice would be to leave her no matter how much I loved her. It wasn't done in anger or in an argument. Just a very calm and firm manner.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> :iagree:
> 
> You are not setting boundaries, you are letting her walk all over you. Your marriage will never get better until TOM is out of * your Marriage*. He is a poison. It is not unusual for a spouse to stub their toe in ending an affair but if you give her a pass every time she will never end it. After my wife stubbed her toe a couple of times it came down to an ultimatum. She had to make a choice or I would and that choice would be to leave her no matter how much I loved her. It wasn't done in anger or in an argument. Just a very calm and firm manner.


Rereading, Amplexor is right. Not stating directly what those boundaries are or even having done that and not enforcing them equals no boundaries.

Yeah, it is frustrating that the marriage vows that would seem like the boundaries are being ignored. However, you need to step up if you want this marriage. Your wife is in a bad place and not likely to leave it on her own.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

You're not mad b/c you've had enough. That's the point I'm at now. 3 years ago I literally got sick to my stomach (had to check myself into a clinic while out on business - had gastritis). Really believed he would stop his EA's boy was I wrong. I've got him up to 5 different girls now and he does other stuff behind my back. Constant disrespect...


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

My wife too stayed in contact with him for almost 2 months after the reveal, with similar "I miss you" conversations. There was something of a limbo as to which way she would go. Then for another month after that, even after she really fully devoted herself to me she tried to hold a friendship with him. 

Now I was unaware of this for most of this time, and did demand no contact. It was a big issue. So, that is to say this. 

The good - you can still survive this, it's not out of the norm behavior. I made it past it, she hasn't spoken to or emailed him in 5 months, we are happy and doing incredible today. You can make it past this, she can make it past this. 

The bad - this is absolutely terrible and wrong, she can not remain friends with him, she is hanging on to her dream and still in a haze. Keep pushing for no contact and keep that set as an absolute boundary. Until she respects that you really can't take the next steps.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Oh well, if your not bothered by it. Its not good for your marriage and is allowing her to keep one foot in the affair. It reinforces her lack of respect for you. Which will keep her from restoring a respect/love based relationship with you. You gave her your boundaries and she ignores them. Amplexor was right. He showed "respect" for himself by giving his wife an ultimatum and then planning on following through with it even if he loved her. I would hope for your sake you would confront your wife by at least telling her. 

" I know you're in contact with TOM. I don't like it. I don't accept it and its your last warning. The next contact, you're out. No discussions, no tears, no begging. You're just gone. I'm making plans to move on with my life without you." 

I hope you find the minerals to stand up for yourself.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Well, anything is possible, so I suppose it's *possible* they're just friends. But...given that they just had an EA, I doubt it. I certainly wouldn't be willing to trust it. 

I suppose if it doesn't bother you, then it's not a problem, but it would bother me. If it were my boyfriend, I would tell him this was his one and only chance to cut off contact and prove to me he wants us to work out, or I'm gone.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

I just don't even know what to say...

*Can you tell me why you are married to this woman? * 

You have my prayers, as always <3


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

yogachick said:


> I just don't even know what to say...
> 
> *Can you tell me why you are married to this woman? *
> 
> You have my prayers, as always <3


Thanks


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

yogachick said:


> *Can you tell me why you are married to this woman? *


Maybe it's the adrenaline rush I get! LOL!!!!!


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

To find out for sure, you may consider what I did. Tell her in no uncertain terms that this has to end because you don't approve any of it. Then see what happens next. You may have to do some Columbo work here. In my case, she agreed that she won't, but she continued to see the OM whom she had EA with (Columbo style helped me figure it out - I interviewed the guards who had seen them together) She kept lying to me about it. Once I gave evidence she was quiet as it can be. Now I have to decide what to do next, which is not easy.

M.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

tj71 said:


> Maybe it's the adrenaline rush I get! LOL!!!!!


Hmmm, Is she very charismatic with a magnetic personality?


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