# Think I know, but would appreciate advice



## Guyneedsanswers (Aug 16, 2013)

First let me say thanks to everyone here. This is a great forum and I've found it very helpful this week. I only wish I'd found it sooner. 

I discovered text messages between my wife and another man in early July which led to what I now know is a NC letter, or text rather, soon after. Of course that isn't the end of the story, in late July I discovered a facebook conversation with a mutual friend of theirs where she was relaying messages for them, at this point they all knew I was checking her phone and AT&T's records. At this point I would really like to hear your opinions and advice. There is a lot to tell and I may bounce around a bit. Also, I apologize if this is lengthy.

A little backstory on my wife and I. Met at the end of high school, married a year later, our first kid arrived later that year. A few years later we had our 2nd. Now we've been married for 14 years and have a 13 & a 10 year old. My wife has had many health issues and some of these led to her full hysterectomy at 25, 7 years ago, and she still has not got her hormones balanced out. Also, a contributing factor could be that I was secretly addicted to porn, a fact that came to light just after our first child was born. It took many years to curb the addiction and move on, although she says she still feels resentment, recently reiterated. 

On the morning after July 4th I woke up for work, yes I had to work on the 5th or use vacation! Things had been feeling off lately and I had noticed for several weeks her phone was never left out, always with her, she literally slept on top of it. So after we went to one of her family members who lived in the country on the 4th to shoot fireworks we came home when everyone was moving to their cars, her nephew and his pregnant wife stopped by for a few hours as well, but again I went to bed while they were still up. So the guests left in the wee hours and my wife had crashed on the couch and her phone was on the coffee table. I got up for work and on a hunch I picked it up and carried it to the bedroom and this is a transcript of the conversation I found, I do have the actual messages saved, I used F for the messages from the OM and T for the messages my wife sent to him, she had deleted most of their messages so idk what he's saying sorry about in the first text, but he then asks if she's back home:

(Some notes to help you follow along: ****head is his one of his roommates cat; I am '****er'; the car he's working on was one of ours, I met him when we dropped it off so he could work on the struts for me, they pretended they didn't know each other)

F: Im sorry u home already
T: I'm home but everyone is awake
F: That sucks
T: Soon though
F: U think so
T: Yea u gonna b up for a while?
F: I think so
T: U wanna c me
F: ? Is do u wanna c me
T: U know the answer to that
T: I love u
F: And u know ur answer
T: Do I? No jk. I will b there soon as I can
F: Ok sexy
T: Awe ur to sweet
T: Don't delete the pic of u me and ****head
F: I saved it b4 i deleted my messages
T: Ok cuz I need to delete it so ****er don't c it
F: Kinda figured so im cooking eggs
T: Yum
F: Absolute boredom
T: Sorry baby
F: 7 eggs is that too much lol
T: Oh **** bring on the egg farts. Lol
F: Yea just a little
T: They don't scare me
F: Good 2 know
T: I'm not easily scared
F: So ive learned
T: Not even ur critters can run me off
F: My critters lmao
F: Lil **** loves eggs
T: Oh lord that one stinks as it is
F: Lol well he does love eggs
T: I love u
F: I love u too baby
T: Soon as they ****ing leave I'm gonna c u
F: Who's they ?
T: My nephew N his wife
F: Ah well i dont know if im gonna stay up real late
T: Well **** me then. Ill make a way to c u tomorrow
F: Im sorry sweetness just dont wanna be up all night i do have to work on ur car some time
T: I know baby. Just wanted to c u but I understand
F: How was ur day
T: It was ok once we got out to foyil
F: Yea thats was proably very nice
T: Yeah I miss my family and he's nicer with other people around
F: Yea i bet u had a good time
T: I did but it would have been perfect if u were the one with me
F: I think u r right
T: Ikr
F: I miss being next to u
T: Me too
F: What are u doing



This conversation had started the morning of the 4th and was 300 texts back and forth. I also found that in a month and half prior to this about 6,000 messages had been exchanged between them. She claimed this guy was gay at first, I had actually met him once and I thought it odd she mentioned that out of the blue then, but has since admitted he's bisexual and that they had, one time, made out for a couple minutes. That fact just came out yesterday, after being told she had rebuffed an attempted kiss from him. I've been getting TT this whole time. 

Also admitted yesterday, she worked a night shift stocking shelves for the last year. She met the mutual friend, which now I know as a TF, there and they both met this guy in late May. Well the TF was stealing, and even rang my wife up leaving out a few items on the bill. This was found and the TF arrested, and my wife just fired. The thing is, my wife and her friend led me to believe they were still working, for almost 4 weeks, even after the messages on the 4th were found. There were afraid I wouldn't let my wife see her TF any more they say. So the two of them were out all thru the night 3-4 nights a week or more sometimes and frequently went to the OM's place where there were always 'other people' around. At first she was just crashing at the TF's house but I found receipts from gas station close to the OM's place, then she fessed up. One last thing, the TF, the OM and all these people are single 20 something's who drink all night every night and most don't even work. That's the crowd she chose over me and the kids...

OK, that's a long story. Any thoughts? Advice? Any possibility that while she admits she was emotionally connected this wasn't more that the little bit of PA I heard about yesterday. Or just Any chance I can convince her that we can get her to admit it? I'd stay, but only with the whole truth and MC. Also, I'm not sure how hard to push but I insisted on a polygraph about a week ago, then yesterday she was ready to split until she revealed the job thing and was supposedly well, then I pressed a bit more and the PA finally came out. Now I think I may need to insist on the poly again because I have serious doubts. I didn't go over the 2nd DDay involving FB chat, but I can post that transcript as well if this isn't sufficient.

Thanks to those who made it all the way through that. And thanks again for all you do here.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

GUY, sorry you are here, there are a lot of people here that will respond and give good info. But I'm afraid that your wife has indeed had relations with this person. It's definitely not an EA. 6000 texts is way beyond the EA. I will give you my perspective on this. I walked. There is no trust, respect, admiration and love. If there were any of these things you wouldn't be here. For me it's all about trust. If you don't have that you will forever be snooping. That crap sucks. It's not living, it's existing. On top of that crap, you have to work and take care of kids. Who has time for that. If you decide to reconcile it would take moving heaven and earth just to start. 
You have to realize that the marriage you had is over. Just because you had an affinity towards porn, does not make you a bad person. Unless in got in the way of your marriage and taking care of the kids.
You own 50% of the marriage, 0% of the affair, that's on her. I don't know your age or where you stand when it comes to infidelity, but this takes a lifetime to deal with. How much effort is it worth. BTW once they say "I love you" to one another for me it's over for sure. Here is where I tell you what you may or may not want to hear, it's usually a hard pill to swallow. Man the hell up, start your 180, there are links to it. You now need to expose her to her family and friends. If this guy is married, you find his wife and nuke it there as well. Take care of your health, you will probably lose weight and not sleep. See your doctor, be honest with him/her, they will help anti-d's or the like. Throw the iron around it will make you feel better and will up your sex rank. Take care of the kids and yourself, this will hurt for a while, but you will survive, I did, people here have also. Good luck to you. Keep coming here for help, input, advice, direction or to just vent. You need an outlet, try counseling that helps as well. Remember this you did not cheat, she did, you did not alter your marriage, she did. You are faithful, she is not.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Oh dear, first thing to do is gather as much evidence as you can to prove infidelity, phone bills and key loggers, VARs(weightlifter should be along shortly for that specialty), credit card/debit card receipts and statements for cash withdrawal(this is important as cash is untraceable but the point of withdrawal isn't, can be a clue in itself), make it seem as though you have gone to sleep in the your marriage like it was before when she first started this crap, let her carry on as though you know nothing, and gather all the intel you need, and get it stashed away too, make copies as well!!!! When you have enough evidence and are confident in your own ability to confront her then do so and never ever disclose your sources of evidence!!!

Once confronted she will gaslight you and try to throw you off or just up and leave, either way you need to stand strong and be tough with her yes there will be tears and screaming etc, but better that when you have full blown facts on your side 

one question, do you both want to reconcile?

If yes then she has to do the real heavy lifting, sever all ties and admit everything including polygraph, then after full admission then "you" have decide once all facts are disclosed as to whether or not you want to continue to reconcile?

If no then see a shark of a lawyer with full story and transcripts, then file, she has done some pretty stupid things which I think you can corroborate grounds for custody and start protecting assets etc,

Or bring POSOM to my barn for some "thug loving"?

Sorry you are here friend


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Tell her family what she is doing, tell everybody. In order to wake her up, get the divorce papers drawn up and give them to her. She will not wake up out of her fog. And get rid of her friend, both of them should have N/C. She will not respect you, but she will wake up when you act.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cheaterville.

And were they fired for theft or for on the job sex?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Expose her A to both of your families and friends.

File D paperwork.

Only talk to her about D proceedings and kids. Be unemotional and short/abrupt in your responses.

Your foolish WW has to be made aware of the fact that her entire life is about to come crashing down around her. 

Only then might she snap out of the fog of the A and become truly remorseful.

If that happens, she must go NC with both POS and her crappy toxic friend.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Distance your self and show her you will be fine with out her.

Expose the affair.

Cut her off and take her things to OM house.

Dude she had her chance in the end of July and she still keeps screwing you over because she never had any consequences to face...I mean the NC text should have been sent by both of you and you should have been involved.

But no...I'm guessing it was more of an apoligy letter in not being able to see him again rather then a letter denocing the affair and the OM and her action. 

Instead of writing the OM and tell him how better of a man her husband was she most likely made statement that she will think of him for ever.

Sorry bro, but you guys swept this crap under the rug...its time you step up and show your old lady that there are consequences for not only for deceving you with the affair but for breaking the NC ....and were not even sure if it was even a NC letter cuz you had no part in it! Its time to show your WW a new reality by emotionally cutting her out and finacially cutting her off.

It was most likey a text informing OM about the new way to contact each other.

You can't work with this women when the OM and TF are still in the pic...it just doesn't work that way. So stop trying

Just let her go...with a smile on your face even if its a fake smile, wish her the best ask her to leave and help her pack.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

And go get your car...call a tow truck and hual it off...don't even tell him.

Hell for what ever work he did do I guess your WW was payment!


Please God please tell me you didn't pay OM for the work on the car?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> Now I think I may need to insist on the poly again because I have serious doubts.


This is my advice. Any woman, with whom I need a polygraph exam, to get the truth?

As they say in New York....... fuhgedaboudit....



> I'd stay, but only with the whole truth and MC.


Whole truth?

As they say in New York....... fuhgedaboudit.... there ain't a snowball's chance in hades of you EVER getting the "whole truth".

And, seriously... you would? Stay, that is? Why?



> My wife has had many health issues and some of these led to her full hysterectomy at 25, 7 years ago, and she still has not got her hormones balanced out.


Excuses, excuses. Her adultery has NOTHING TO DO with "hormones". Countless MILLIONS of women have hormonal adjustment issues, yet have the MORAL FIBER to keep their legs closed except to their husband, as their MARITAL VOWS SWORE they would.

Countless women suffer monthly from PMS, yet have the MORAL FIBER not to take a gun and shoot their husbands.... those that do, go to prison for a long time. The judge doesn't regard PMS as an excuse for murder, neither do I regard "hormones" as an excuse for adultery.



> Also, a contributing factor could be that I was secretly addicted to porn


Judging from the information given, so does your wife.
Is this "contributing" to your adultery?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

wranglerman said:


> Or bring POSOM to my barn for some "thug loving"?


"thug loving":lol:

I like the way you think wranglerman


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

So, did you get diagnosed with an addiction to porn, or are you just accepting that as a blame shift reason?

Oh and as to the hormone reason Bull.

Yes, a hysterectomy can mess with her libido and hormones can be unbalanced, but


> F: I miss being next to u
> T: Me too


 it isn't a selective process.

Don't believe the hype.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You know what to do.

Start with STD tests to take care of your health.
See a lawyer to understand your options.
Do a hard 180, for yourself
Stay active and take care of yourself.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Any thought or advice? let me ask you this. What do you think? Re read what you wrote and the transcript between your wife and this gay-bi-straight OM. When your through reading it, do it again, and again. The answer your looking for is in that transcript. She's cheating. That means she's seeing another guy. Fooling around on you. Having sex with him. Need any more adjectives? That what you want? That's what your getting so now comes the part where you either accept her screwing around on you or you bring the hammer down and real hard. Either throw her ass out now or if you choose to keep her around, you better have her on a real short leash while you drag her to either a MC or a courthouse. It's your choice but you better choose wisely because this woman has done a real good job of covering her tracks.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

I think you're in a similar place to most of us at some time or another. 

We find evidence of infidelity and are told they're "just friends" or "it was just kissing". (I always love the "just" part. Or the "only" like "we only had sex twice.") 

But something doesn't sit right, because deep down every part of your brain is screaming "you're a lunatic if you believe this crap. Wake up." That makes us all start to dig, or get polys. Then we realize the rabbit hole is deeper than we dreamed. 

It's called trickle truth. Most wayward spouses do it (if not all) and it'll do more damage than the affair itself ironically. 

It's easy to get advice, not so easy to follow it. 

If you decide that if she slept with another man it's over: 

What I think you should do is pack her clothes, drive to the OMs work or home, and dump her clothes there. End of story. I'd then tell WW that her things are at the oms house. You were helping her along. I'd tell her to go and experience the world, sow her wild oats. Experience the love that she surely deserves. I'd tell her she deserves to have something good in the world. I'd say you weren't meeting her needs, and she needs to get those met. She didn't feel loved, and now she does. I'd say you're happy for her. No ill feelings. 

Then I'd wave, close the door as she left, and throw the biggest damn party ever. Oh and divorce while she's in the fog. That's the best time.

If you think her sleeping with someone else is not a deal breaker: 

You need to expose it. After that i'd make a list of expectations for her to follow should she choose to work on reconciling. 
1. She needs to be an open book. All passwords are yours. Her phone is any time you like. She gets no privacy. Nothing gets deleted until you've seen it first. 
2. She must answer any and all questions if you have them regarding the affair. 
3. She takes a poly if you want it. 
4. She (and you) should probably go to IC and MC. 
5. She should read not just friends. 
6. She must never speak to this man or any toxic friends again.
7. if you have kids i'd get a DNA test. 
8. A timeline of the affair.

I think in a way being cheated on does us a favor. They wake us up and shake our worlds because from the many stories I've read, many of us need shaken and woken up. 

Many betrayed spouses have their heads up their butts. And I was one. I was miserable, abused even. Without discovering the cheating I'd have never been able to correct myself and my life. It was the wake up call that I was a fool. Many betrayed husbands give so much of themselves they forget to keep some for their selves.

Many wayward wives will say they cheated cause he worked all the time. Yet they could have gotten a job so he worked less. They might say they didn't feel loved. I don't know a larger display of love than giving your life so that someone else doesn't need to work, or can work less. Working often doesn't leave much in the tank for many men. Yet in my own story and others, we often still attempt to do things with the wives. Often it's even during their affairs. 

What it boils down to is _some people are just never happy_. It doesn't matter how much you give. The goal posts of what satisfies them move more each time you reach. 

Your wayward wife did you a favor in a way by waking you up to this treadmill. I don't think I've ever seen a case of a ww where the husband didn't become a doormat in some fashion. I'm sure it's happened, but it must be rare. 

Those are the types of texts you see between two people having sex with each other on a regular basis. 

If you want to reconcile and she does not: My advice is 180. Put your effort into you. Start lifting weights, go out with friends, talk to girls. 

Married man sex life primer and no more mr nice guy are required reading.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Im resident VAR goon. Ill get you the complete instructions later but here are step 1 and 2.

1. Go to best buy. Buy 2sony icdpx312 Voice activated recorders and lithium batteries for it. Do not substitue for sony. Only get the sony 50 dollar ones. The others have timeouts which make them useless. Sony only!!!!! No i dont work for sony.
Go to walmart. Buy the heavy duty velcro.

DO THIS NOW!!!!!!!!

2. No more talking to your wife with weak confronts. Your next confront is blitzkrieg to literally crush any resistance.

Edit reason this isnot complete list is im on ipad at work. My standard instruction set is long and i copy paste it from home.

Typing on ipad svcks.

Get those vars now!!!!!!!!!!!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I help on confront scripts too. The last one which was a few months ago broke her in one minute.

Oh and steel yourself. There is a very high likelihood the next month will be the worst in your life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ah, yes! The hysterectomy often leads to a condition known as _sordidum mulieris_ or _uxorem adultera_. In which women start acting like a dirty woman or looking for sex with men other than their husband.

Actually, no it doesn't. 

I just made those genuine Latin phrases up with the aid of Google translate.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

All of her "crowd" know about the affair and are helping her hide and continue it. They are all in on it. She has a big support group going.

Personally I would grab a suitcase put her clothes in it, toss it in the back of the car without her knowing, drive her to the OM house, throw the suitcase on the lawn tell her to get out and drive away.

File for divorce. Cancel all joint credit cards and get one in your name only. Open a bank account in your name only and transfer half of any funds in a joint account over to yours. Tell her you are done being lied to and betrayed.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> Yet they could have gotten a job so he worked less.


Amen. 



> I don't know a larger display of love than giving your life so that someone else doesn't need to work, or can work less.


and, amen.

Don't fall for this "blame". As long as there's blame, it means that the adulterer is UNREPENTANT.

As long as the adulterer is unrepentant, there is NO CHANCE of reconciliation at all. Only when they FULLY recognize that their actions are THEIR actions and have NOTHING to do with their spouse whatsoever, that their adultery is a complete result of THEIR OWN sinful selfishness, can there be any lasting CHANGE.

Someone else said on here that he/she thought the repentant adulterers are really few and far between.
I agree. Reading these websites proves this to me, that once in a blue moon I think there's a "chance" for the marriage to survive and thrive.

Most of the time, I think it will either split, or it will stay together for finances, kids, etc, but will be a complete farce of a marriage.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Full instructions

DO THIS NOW. DONT DEBATE ME I MEAN NOW! Ive been involved in exposing many cheating wives.

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

1. Remove her access to all cash , bank accounts. And credit.

2. Post OM up on cheaterville.com

4. Get on the phone and inform family and fiends

5. Realize that it's likely both sex and drugs she doing

6. File for D, and request that she leave the home, but the children stay with you as she is not a fit mother.
Go for 100% custody.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.
> 
> Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Like the apps link, can see that getting a lot of hits over the next few days as it dawns on the rest of the world that these things are brought into existence to help cheaters cheat!!!

Any news from the OP????


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## Guyneedsanswers (Aug 16, 2013)

Well it's been an eventful day. Thanks to everyone who replied. Since my original post I checked in and read the first two replies. I then started to insist on the polygraph again and after an hour or two of argument I guess she realized I was serious. She told me the reason she didn't want the poly was because one night at the OM's place they were celebrating someone's birthday, she had too much to drink and passed out. She woke up wearing only her panties, next to her best friend/TF who was also in her panties only, and the OM in his boxers all in his bed. And the kicker, she had dried semen or possibly vaginal fluid on her stomach around her belly button. Now, even I had suspected her girlfriend was a little too into her, and I even suspected from the messages in late July these two wanted to get her into a threesome. Well they got it I guess. One thing from my wifes past, she was raped at 14 and never got counseling, this reminded her of that event she said and I think it really changed her perspective a bit. I grappled with this for a while. Took the kids out to the bookstore, looked for "Not just friends" but they were out so I'll order it online. 

This seemed to untie the knot in my guys at first and she seemed relieved too, but it turned out to be more TT. She said this blackout happed two days before the 4th and the day those messages were exchanged. She says she still wanted the emotional friendly contact and admitted that now he seemed less interested, I fought hard here not to burst out laughing. I think the only thing I said was "hit it and quit it". While I was out this of course was all bouncing around in my head. When I got home I checked in on this thread again and saw 20 replies, I read them all. One line in particular from Awake stood out to me:



> Those are the types of texts you see between two people having sex with each other on a regular basis.


After reading all the posts I went right to the wife and to her said unless she tells me the full extent of her sexual relationship with the OM then I was setting up the polygraph test Monday for the soonest available time. Then I laid that line from Awake on her almost verbatim. She was quite for a minute but I could see the wheels were turning. I told her I could see the truth right there ready to come out, after a few seconds she started talking and with some prodding from me this is what I got: She said they'd kissed more than once. At least 5-6 times and more than just a peck on the cheek. She never got naked, other than the blackout, which honestly makes sense because she is super self-conscious and has some belly fat tbh. So I asked what did they do, I knew there was more than some making out. The blackout was a bit of a shocker, but this kind of rocked me. She said she went down on him. More than once. The number went from 2-3 times to 5-10. Based on the nights I know she was out I'd say 10 is about right. She said it didn't happen every night she saw him but almost. Maybe this shocked me because I had proposed the scenario that maybe they didn't have sex, she insisted she didn't want anyone seeing her naked, even me. But I told her there were sex acts that wouldn't require her to get naked, and she got pissed that I would insinuate she would do such a thing, Oscar winning performance. I actually felt a little bad inside, not that I admitted it. Anyways I followed up with questions about details of how it all happened, he'd say he needed to talk to her while she was over. They'd go to his room and leave the rest of the group in the living room. Then sometimes make out and then oral, other times just right to oral. She still insists there is no physical attraction, and having met him I can't argue. She claims she didn't get any satisfaction from it, she did it because she thought if she didn't he wouldn't want to talk with her any more. He had his hooks in deep I guess. This seemed to click with me as I've known her 15 years now and my gut feels at ease now. Hard to explain but this scenario just seems more likely to me with her issues. 

As I said, she went back after the blackout and got the cold shoulder. She even went back one other time a few days after the NC was sent, mid July, and got even less attention. I really think she knows that what she saw in him wasn't real. Her TF is also history and has been since the event in late July, she kept pushing for her to go see the OM. I'm still a little uncertain whether I want to try reconciliation or not. I imagined my future with her and I see me asking for paystubs and checking phone records, forever. Hardly sounds appealing. But at the same time I really don't think this was who she is. She fell in with a bad crowd after all her high school and childhood friends had moved on. Still, the thought of what she did for another man's attention is hard to get past. We'll probably end up in MC and see how that goes at first.

Anyways, that's where it stands now. Hard to believe this is my life. I have all the evidence I'm going to get and I think it's all I'll need if I go to a lawyer. At this time I'm not planning on getting the poly test. Lotta thinking to do today as well I guess. 

Thanks again to everyone.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Oh my friend, she is still lying and you are gullible. You say you know her but sad to say you really don't. They have been having sex for a while,culminating in a threesome. She sees this body issue thing is a lie you have bought into and she is playing it for all it is worth. You grasp at it because you don't want to face the truth of what she is and what she has done. 

I have been with lots of women, and once it gets to BJs then full blown sex is sure to follow. I don't believe your wife for a nanosecond and neither should you. Have some self respect and kick her butt out for a while. Tell her she can maybe come home when she decides to start being honest. 

Seriously friend, you need to make her fear you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

TT and tip of the ice burg my gullible friend, there really is so much more to this than you realize!!!

The black out, look at it this way, OM got his hooks in deep TF was way too interested your W was willing to do "ORAL" with OM to keep him happy(BTW she knows the difference between right and wrong!! blowing some other guy who is not your SO is so wrong!!), so threesome ensued to keep OM happy and TF was very happy and OM delighted he got the best of both that night.

Rape victims, touch subject but also fantastic smoke screen, at any point in time way before this were you suspicious of her? No, so if her past didn't affect her behavior then why when the OM showed up? answer, she wanted him, simples she wanted to blow him she wanted to have the threesome to keep him happy she was happy to let you swing in the wind knowing nothing whilst she was busy sucking him dry bimbling around in her "new love fog", you were out of this a long time ago if it went physical my friend, a callous EA this is not, and yes she seemed to open up when you threatened a polygraph but the fact that it took two hours to get her talking in an "honest/rational" sense to you about what happened just meant time for her to figure it out in her head on how best to effect her damage control now OM is out the picture and she is on her a$$.

If you want to reconcile, then set your questions for the operator and get her down for a proper poly, if you think she is going to tell you voluntarily guess again!!!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your WW has gone from a respectable wife and mother to a conspirator in good standing in a toxic, toxic group. You have to start realizing this and act accordingly. It is in this group mindset that she can so casually call you a ****er and not think twice. This is what you are to them.

What this also means is that she is lying to you still. I'm sorry, but she is.

If you want some chance at having your decent W back, she needs to go complete NC not just with the POSOM, but the whole crowd of creeps that she is friends with. They are all conspirators and you are one of their unwitting enemies. She needs to be completely cut off from them.

Follow weightlifter's advice and do very serious snooping to find out how deep the tentacles are. In my opinion, your only real shot if you want to stay with her is to force her out of and forever away from this group.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

You don't have the truth, guaranteed. 

Tell her this. "You've lied to me so much I just can't trust your word now. I'm setting up the polygraph. If you fail it, I'm divorcing you immediately, there will be no chance to reconcile. Your only chance of staying in this marriage is to be completely honest with me before the polygraph. After is too late."


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm sorry you're here, friend. You will find that putting things down let's you see events. Re-read you own posts with a critical eye.



Guyneedsanswers said:


> She told me the reason she didn't want the poly was because one night at the OM's place they were celebrating someone's birthday, she had too much to drink and passed out. She woke up *wearing only her panties*, next to her best friend/TF who was *also in her panties only*, and the *OM in his boxers* all in his bed.


Sadly, your wife is not the first one we've come across with a convenient blackout story. "I was drunk, but I don't know exactly what happened - so neither can YOU". The above scenario just sounds wrong to you, doesn't it? Your wife's woken up in the morning and happily everyone's still concerned about preserving their modesty. How genteel, but highly implausible. 

Your wife is desperately trying to minimize what happened. Don't believe her. Cheaters lie. These three people have just taken part in a threesome. The idea that not one but ALL of them would bother to find and put on their underwear afterwards has no credibility.



> They'd go to his room and leave the rest of the group in the living room. Then sometimes make out and then oral, other times just right to oral. She still insists there is no physical attraction, and having met him I can't argue. She claims she didn't get any satisfaction from it, *she did it because she thought if she didn't he wouldn't want to talk with her any more.*


This is one part of her account I do believe. Normal, healthy adults do not think or behave this way. This is the kind of woman your wife really is, in her own words.

I don't believe you have the whole story yet. Sorry. You need to get closer to the actual truth so that you actually know what you're dealing with. Only then would it be appropriate to decide on your next move.

Polygraph your wife as you initially intended (hopefully someone will chime in with what you should ask). She fears what it may reveal, which research shows, will make the polygraph results more accurate. She'll crack and trickle more truth to you right up to the point she takes the test.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You can't be serious that you actually believe this crap? She is totally in damage control and keeps changing her story. You would have to be in major denial to believe that this is not just the tip of the iceberg. Demand the polygraph and you will see that she continues to lie to you.

She clearly had no problem lying to you and putting your health at risk for STD's. In addition, you know that there were probably times when you were intimate with her after she had sex with him. Please stop deluding yourself and making excuses for her.
Her actions clearly show that she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. She would still be going down on him if he did not get tired of her. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

1. Get tested for STD's immediately.
2. See a lawyer immediately to understand your options.
She continues to play you for a total fool. Enough is enough!


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

you believe her now?

You saw the tip of the ice berg man. If she told you the complete truth then now a polygraph wont be a problem for her as she told you everything. Right?

Tell her for R, a polygraph must be done and hear the next step of TT.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its been 3 yrs and Mrs. the-guy has *earned* some trust so the paystubs and reciept are a thing of the past. She still like to stay away from that bad crown and doesn't like going out with out me.

My point it it can come together for you guy but its up to her and how much submission she has to offer in helping you heal and the huge degree of grace you can afford in fogiving her. 

But again your old lady has to earn that trust along with getting a oral when ever you call on it...but thats just me!


In my old ladies case sex was the payment for the friend ship. I mean who would seriously get involved with a guy that screws around with a a married women. Mrs. the guy just wanted the friendships. 

Sure it was mostly oral and the guys the TF was setting Mrs. the -guy up with were less then half of a man then the-guy who bangs nails for a living and hangs out in the southern cal sun
all day...lets just say not only I'm I fit I know how to bang.


Any way back to point. your old lady sound a lot like my old lady and she too was date raped at 14 and never got help. The thing of it is that they make some stupid choice just for some validation don't they?

I think at the end of the day can your old lady affiar proof her marriage?

Can you have the grace to forgive?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> you believe her now?
> 
> You saw the tip of the ice berg man. If she told you the complete truth then now a polygraph wont be a problem for her as she told you everything. Right?
> 
> Tell her for R, a polygraph must be done and hear the next step of TT.


Sorry to say but the next step will most likely lead to a number...the number of OM's, cause there is a good chance this isn't the first guy she used sex as payment for a friendship.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Gaaah. Had you got the vars and put them in place you would have heard the truth after you were out of the room and she called them to tell them she was busted.

This is exactly why you dont do soft confront.

Hard overwhelming crushing confronts to obliterate any and all resistance.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Guyneedsanswers said:


> Well it's been an eventful day. Thanks to everyone who replied. Since my original post I checked in and read the first two replies. I then started to insist on the polygraph again and after an hour or two of argument I guess she realized I was serious. She told me the reason she didn't want the poly was because one night at the OM's place they were celebrating someone's birthday, she had too much to drink and passed out.* She woke up wearing only her panties, next to her best friend/TF who was also in her panties only, and the OM in his boxers all in his bed. And the kicker, she had dried semen or possibly vaginal fluid on her stomach around her belly button. Now, even I had suspected her girlfriend was a little too into her, and I even suspected from the messages in late July these two wanted to get her into a threesome. Well they got it I guess.* One thing from my wifes past, she was raped at 14 and never got counseling, this reminded her of that event she said and I think it really changed her perspective a bit. I grappled with this for a while. Took the kids out to the bookstore, looked for "Not just friends" but they were out so I'll order it online.


 If this is true I am terribly sorry. 

I'm going to point something out:



> T: I did but it would have been perfect if u were the one with me
> F: I think u r right
> T: Ikr
> *F: I miss being next to u
> ...


Hmmm.... so the OM is now a rapist? Just saying, she can't remember, but she misses being next to him.....??? At least 10 time with oral? So, she remembers EVERYTHING, but the three some? My wife escaped a rape attempt at 16 and her father was cop. She never toldanyone and never got counseling. She has never used it to excuse something later in life either.
I'm sorry you are here, but I despise people that use rape as an out. Rape can lead to bad choices, but accusing people of false rape is disgusting.

Edit to add:
If I recall correctly, we have had four or five "blackout rape" threads this year. Only one was inconclusive for the Husband, everyone believed she was a liar and he disappeared when the story tilted against him. All of the other threads the lady changed her tune when the husband kept digging.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

There is nothing wrong with watching porn unless it's kiddie porn. Just my 2 cents


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## Guyneedsanswers (Aug 16, 2013)

Well you were all right. I again said the poly would be needed to verify her new-found total openness and she freaked. I pressed and pressed. Finally she revealed that she did everything with this OM, within a month of meeting him and it went on at least a month. Her relationship was a few weeks older than I previously thought as well. A contact she hadn't talked to in a while and listed as the first initial of the OM's name. But when I asked about it weeks before, in front of the TF the friend spit out the same answer as my wife had, they obviously were very well coordinated. Now I want to know about other OM's and the best I can get is she can't remember for sure, but she did spend a night drinking with a guy alone in his apartment and she woke up the next morning on the floor, dressed, but she was 'sore'. I know they did it. 

I can't understand how someone could be so cruel to a faithful spouse. Tell so many lies and make up so many stories. And then find others to help them in their deception! What a world...

This site has helped me all week with the general info in the newbie thread and so many other stories shared by others. You have all helped me with my specific problem and helped me shake off the blinders. It's hard for someone you've loved and devoted so much time and effort to suddenly become such a disgusting person. Thank you all for everything you do here.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What are your plans now?
1. Get tested for STD's.
2. See a lawyer to understand your options.
You deserve better my friend and you would be foolish to settle and accept this. Time to move on and build a better life. Good luck.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I'm so sorry friend. The bottom line is she is a liar. Lying is at the heart and core of who she is. She lies so much that she probably can no longer distinguish between the lies and the truth. 

Don't feel bad or feel like you had any responsibility in this. You are simply a hard working, decent, kind hearted guy of the kind that parasites like your wife latch on to. She tricked you. Plain and simple. You need to tell her to pack her bags and leave. Tomorrow take some sick leave and go see a lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I would pack her stuff and take her to his place, she is no longer welcome at yours!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tell your wife she has a day to recall her memory and by Monday night you want a very frank and honest discussion with regards to how many OM there are.

See just like my old lady they need the time to pull out this painful and shamefule crap they did under ther drunken stupor. Something they do to wash away the pain only to wake up the next morning hung over and full of hate for them selves.

This is a must and she has 24 hours to really think about what she needs to tell you and now is the time to get that *monkey* off her back.

Your old lady will want to know why and she will tell you that the info she gives you will be used against her.
Reassure her that at this point she has nothing to lose and you will not move forwrd until you are clear on what you are dealing with and until you have figured out what she has become...in short if your going to forgive you must know exactly what you are forgiving. Again "she has until monday night"


Again by Monday evening this is the time to set her self free from the past and the best shot on working on this with her husband. You have to know what you are dealing with, she has to get this off her just.


Prepare your self brother, I did this to Mrs. the guy and in the end her number was 20 OM, started 7 years into a 19 yr marriage (at the time). No gnagbangs or circus clowns, and one GGM 3sum.

At least I know Mrs. the-guy is a one at a time girl...for the most part!

Any way if and when she deside to really come clean about the last decade of marrige don't flip out or she will shut down...if you want more detail you have to work her in such a way that will keep the comms. open.

if you start sh1tting on her after she tells you there were 5 OM in the last ten years if you want more info your going to have to suck it up be nice and tell her she has another 24 hours to look in side her self and give you a timeline and other details like who and were.

If you freak out once she opens up she will shut down for good.

Hell its been 3 years now and I still get the TT, couple a month ago I found out about the the other taco my wife tasted back in '07...she like hot dogs better.

See its things like this that help you figure out who the hell you are married to now...cuz trust me the girl you met so many years ago is not the one you been banging these last few years.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Again with the long @ss post...do OP's even read them when I start to go off like that?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

the guy said:


> Again with the long @ss post...do OP's even read them when I start to go off like that?


You are insane Guy. You know that don't you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

LostViking said:


> You are insane Guy. You know that don't you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


who have no idea!

Actually I'm alot better now, but when I was beating my wife and fighting guys on the freeway, I was truelly crazy.

The good 'ol days...God I do not miss them!

I actually feels good to have some sanity back...I think it all came to ahead 3 years ago..if you know what I mean?

Sorry for the thread jack GNA


Maybe as phucked up your sitch is there are guys out there that are going thru or have been thru some of the same sh1t if not worse.

You will get thru this crap we all do...just don't sit around and feel sorry for your @ss and you will come out alive.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Guyneedsanswers said:


> I again said the poly would be needed to verify her new-found total openness and she freaked.


Good move on your part. Her reaction is so predictable from a cheater. So, we're up to two OM at this point.



> I can't understand how someone could be so cruel to a faithful spouse. Tell so many lies and make up so many stories. And then find others to help them in their deception! What a world...


It probably worked the other way around. Some people are so broken, have such low regard for themselves they just want to drag the rest of the world down to their level. Her Toxic Friend either found a kindred spirit or plain wanted to wreck your marriage. Your wife was an active, willing participant either way.

Stay strong.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Have her write out a timeline of ALL her indiscretions.

Tell her there will be a poly to confirm, so she had better not lie, because if she fails, then any chance for R is out and you are going straight to D.

Tell her its also straight to D if she refuses.

And inform her, if you D, you will be exposing this A to all friends and family. You will not let her spin the D to make you look like the bad guy by demonizing you and rewriting the M.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

What kind of emotional state is she in? Did she break down and express remorse or is she angry and defiant?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

LostViking said:


> What kind of emotional state is she in? Did she break down and express remorse or is she angry and defiant?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Awsome question.
GNA tell us were she is emotionally.
Is she fighting and wants to bailing? Or is she crying and begging?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have a gut feeling she is breaking...I don't know why..but I do.

The second question is when she does break and tells all, can Op handle it?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Guyneedsanswers said:


> She woke up wearing only her panties, next to her best friend/TF who was also in her panties only, and the OM in his boxers all in his bed. And the kicker, she had dried semen or possibly vaginal fluid on her stomach around her belly button.





Guyneedsanswers said:


> They'd go to his room and leave the rest of the group in the living room.





Guyneedsanswers said:


> Finally she revealed that she did everything with this OM, within a month of meeting him and it went on at least a month. Her relationship was a few weeks older than I previously thought as well.





Guyneedsanswers said:


> Now I want to know about other OM's and the best I can get is she can't remember for sure, but she did spend a night drinking with a guy alone in his apartment and she woke up the next morning on the floor, dressed, but she was 'sore'. I know they did it.


 She did everything with this other man (OM) including a threesome, and was not even discrete about it since there were others there when she left with him for the bedroom. To make matters worse, she even did other guys from the group. If your read my other posts you will see that I normally do not say such harsh things, but your wife was nothing more than a sl*t to this group that she hug with.



Guyneedsanswers said:


> Well the TF was stealing, and even rang my wife up leaving out a few items on the bill. This was found and the TF arrested, and my wife just fired. The thing is, my wife and her friend led me to believe they were still working, for almost 4 weeks, even after the messages on the 4th were found.


 4 weeks of leaving for work after she was fired? Wow, just wow. This level of basic disloyalty and dishonesty, even if she had not done it to cheat, would be a deal breaker for me. This is a direct assault on the family finances and on her basic core loyalty to you. Her level of dishonesty goes beyond what you see from even most cheaters. When it comes to her commitment to you, there is just nothing there.


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## Guyneedsanswers (Aug 16, 2013)

First off for The Guy:



> Again with the long @ss post...do OP's even read them when I start to go off like that?


I don't know about the other OP's but yes, every, single, word. Every post. 

Also, I think I'm going to take your advice here. She'll have all day home alone tomorrow to reflect. I might point out that the sounds of an empty house might be something she should get used to if she can't at least come clean, just not this house!'



So here's my update: I just got back from her parents house. I told them everything. She had told them some but not nearly all, go figure. Needless to say they were shocked. These are her parents so we talked about my porn addiction early on in our marriage but we did all agree that holding onto this for 14 years hardly justifies her behavior. Also, I got the feeling her mom was against the poly from what my wife had said. I told the flat out, the poly is a must, no way to talk me out of it. I think I finally got through to her that this is a must to clear the air. If there's any hope it has to be with a fresh start. I think we're about to head back there together and see if they can help get her to see what must be done. There is a real issue with the hysterectomy and she has been different from that day forward, no excuse and we all know but maybe we can get her help to deal with it correctly. Of course I told her parents that failure to take the test is admission that there is more she is unwilling to own up to, and failing of course, and both will lead straight to D.

Thanks for all your posts. I'll keep updating.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Guyneedsanswers said:


> *EDITED*
> I got the feeling her mom was against the poly from what my wife had said. I told the flat out, the poly is a must, no way to talk me out of it. I think I finally got through to her that this is a must to clear the air. If there's any hope it has to be with a fresh start. I think we're about to head back there together and see if they can help get her to see what must be done.


Sorry Guyneedsanswers, but she will never take that polygraph test.

You KNOW that there is more. As important as knowing how much more she has done is how much are you willing to TRY to forgive?...

If she agrees to the poly it's only a matter of time before she start TTing you with SOME of what you don't yet know.

Each time she tells you more, the closer you'll be to filing for a D.

Even if you haven't told her you're filling for D, she will get to the point to where she will not want to talk about it anymore(i,e, she's damaged her reputation and self esteem enough) and she'll back out of taking the poly for the same reasons.

If you do get her to agree to take a poly, make sure you know the cut-off time for canceling, so you don't end up paying for a poly test that she never takes.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

She lied about rape, her friend lied, she was fired and there are at least two men and one woman in your marriage. Your porn addiction was 14 years ago? The fact you needed someone else to tell you it was too long ago, means you need some Individual counseling.

The Poly is unnecessary, IMO, it is only going to get worse. What more do you need to know now? I'd spend the money on a divorce lawyer and then start over as single people dating.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

I wouldn't be surprised if it was "just" 2, but then 5 or 10 is not unheard of. 

My FWW had around 9 or so APs. The bulk were emotional affairs. That's only what I know about of course. 

WSs can trickle truth for _months_.

This will probably be one of the more difficult periods in your entire life. But you will be okay. 

I'd read no more my nice guy and married man sex life primer. I'd also start lifting weights and eating better. You need to start going out and socializing with friends. You need to take care of yourself. 

Yes, she's probably still lying. Yes there's probably more you don't know about. Maybe a lot, maybe a little. 

Your choice is whether or not you stick around. 

It also sounds like you're doing all the heavy lifting, on this board, probably reading websites and looking things up. Your preoccupation is probably a duality of how to work it out and how to find out if she's telling the truth. 

And this is wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. 

If your FWW or WS is the one doing the looking and the reading. Excellent. If it's you, what does that say about your FWW? What does that say about how much she values you? Cause if I cheated, and I repented, i'd do _everything_ I could.

Bigger question: What does that say about you? You've been cheated on, put at risk for HIV or STDs. Lied to, mistreated, probably treated like a doormat. Disrespected, emasculated and more. It's likely after one of these nights she came home, with or without taking a shower and kissed you on the mouth, maybe had sex. She was taking some guys stuff on her, prob in her, prob all over. Prob multiple guys. 

And you forgot the level of preparation it all requires. Remember she's trying to impress this guy. So she'll shave herself, get all done up, makeup, nails, hair. Then she'll sit around excited while she waits for the minutes to count down until she can see him again. They'll text about how they can't wait. Maybe she goes in the bathroom and snaps an explicit pic to send him. 

Kisses you and the kids goodnight, goes outside, gets in the car, puts gas in and drives to the OMs house/motel whatever.

And even then, most often they end up having problems finding a new motel they've never been to before. Or a new apartment. Many WSs at some point have to jump through all sorts of hoops to cheat. 

This is well thought out, planned, prepared for. She knew she would do it long before she walked in that door. Just like mine. 

You might notice one thing missing from this. No condom. Because they don't want a condom. They want the full experience. They don't care about HIV pregnancy or a million other STDs. Your life and health matters less to them than getting a load of sperm. If you have kids get DNA tests. 

And YOU'RE looking for ways to salvage your marriage? Maybe the severity of this situation hasn't hit you yet.

This is a point I reached months ago. When you frame the situation this way, it becomes obvious that you should pay more attention to "what is wrong with me" than "what is wrong with her". This is where I'm at.

I hope you can get past that question of wondering why she did it and move on to wondering why you still want some of this relationship. And btw, the answer to why she did it is not some concocted crap, it's because she wanted to have sex with someone else. Maybe you have it backwards, she wanted the sex and not the relationship. 

When you say she was raped, and make excuses, and say she has poor self image it screams white knight. And you're in all likelihood a "nice guy". (this is not a good thing)

A more realistic story of white knights isn't that they save the princess, its that the dragon eats them.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why are you talking about R at this point? Your wife has been living a life that even if she were single would be considered trashy.

She's having frequent sex with this other guy, she's had at least one threesome, and despite you talking to her over and over and over, she's trickle truthing you and showing loyalty to the OM and the TF that she has never shown you.

At a minimum she's got a habit of going to men's apartments and drinking, and I'm going to guess doing drugs, so much that she can't remember having had sex.

More likely, and worse, she isn't drinking that much and instead if doing it all mostly sober and eagerly.

Why in heck would you give the precious gift of yourself and your days on earth to someone who values you so very very little. 

You deserve and can have a much better woman in your life - you just need to get rid of this one ASAP. 

Btw, she's not going to end up well or pretty , her lifestyle is going to burn her up fast and leave her haggard while young.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

See if you can get her drug tested btw, it might help you go for full custody.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

echoing above
STD test.
Timeline of all OMs
poly

be ready to find that your wife is hopelessly broken and that there are OMs going way way back.


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

Hope you've found the strength to walk away.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Why are you even bothering with any of this??? Do you really want a lying, cheating, stealing wife who has no respect for you ? Please wake up and get out before even more damage is done.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

GNS,
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh just out of the box and for my first post on you thread.

Did you have a hard time meeting women before you met your wife and was your wife a better looking woman than you thought you would be able to snag?


Thx


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## Dreamsfly (Oct 23, 2013)

Hi,
I have read most of this thread. It's unfortunate that you are in a situation that so many find themselves. Especially now with internet access, texting etc. There are so many ways to cover one's tracks.
As a woman, who has been through a lot, I need to say, life is too short.
First, if you need a polygraph test, there is no trust or relationship.
Second, if she's telling you a story, she's not telling you the whole story, she's omitting parts that she thinks that you can't handle.

A woman who is having some type of sex with other men, is not one that is going to just quit. Yes, I know you have kids involved. that makes it harder and easier at the same time. She's not fit, she's in a selfish mode, and the kids need to be protected.
They see any of what is going on or sense it, they possibly will be effected down the road and not understanding what a real relationship is. 
Don't settle for joint custody. She will have too much say over what happens in their lives. I regret not fighting for full custody of my son. Now, I'm in a position that he has power over where we live, what state and I want to move.

There are many women out there that would love to be with such a resilient man. One that won't take advantage of you.

D is hard on everyone. I don't regret mine because it was over a long time before we did it. It sounds like you're in the same boat.
Just know, there is life after her and healing. You can't heal until it's ended. What are you holding on to? The thought of what you think it could be?

Good luck.


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