# Please help



## Emiaj24! (Sep 26, 2017)

Hi everyone 
My last post was about my ex contacting me and wanting to work things out then changing his mind a few weeks later cause he loves someone else. My ex will randomly message me and ask what I’m up to or tell me him and his girl are not going to try and make it work and that he wants to be single and work on him and his business. I know the smart thing would be to walk away and let go but I’m just not ready even after all the bad stuff we went threw last year. My husband says he’s depressed and says he doesn’t love me anymore he says he cares about me and thinks about me all the time and worries about me. I think there are signs that he’s not letting go he’s still paying my car insurance and cell and has all our animals at first he wanted me to come get them but lately there hasn’t been any talk of divorce or splitting things up. I’m so confused and can’t sleep and just feel sick all the time. I have been working on myself in counseling and working out and starting taking depression pills and I stopped drinking so much and he even says he notices the change but says it’s too late. Is there anyone I can fix this before it’s to late? I have no one to talk to about this because all my family and friends think I’m being completely stupid after all we went threw. I think I’m going to lose my mind!! We hung out a few weekends ago and I ended up staying the night and a few days later he says he just doesn’t have feeling for me and wanted to see if there was a spark there but isn’t. I just feel like basing it all on that is dumb. Obviously it would take more then one evening of hanging out to fix anything. Any advice would be appreciated. The more I try the worse I feel.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I am a little confused. You talk about your ex and your husband. Are they they same person or are you married and talking to your ex? For the purposes of this answer, I am going to assume they are one in the same. If not...uh, then never mind this answer!



What you ex is doing is simply cruel. He is using you to bolster himself when things are not good with the girlfriend, then he dumps you again when she crooks her finger. He is keeping you on a string by paying for your car, cell and holding the animals. He is using these things to manipulate you. When you hung out a few weeks ago you were nothing more than a booty call - let that sink in - and when he regretted it he got cruel and told you he has no feelings for you and there is no spark. If you tried to fix anything based on that evening, you would be putting yourself on an endless roller coaster of "come here, come here, get away, get away". Only you can do something to stop this. He will not and you will not decide this together.

180 this guy. Do it today.

As Roz Doyle on Frasier would say, "I'd drop him like radioactive waste".

Love yourself and life will work out. This man does not love you. I don't care what he says. Look at his actions.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

He's making you his safety net. Giving you enough crumbs to keep you as an option but with no real intent of wanting anything real with you unless all other options failed. Even then he'd always be looking for other options. Don't be his safety net. There are plenty of people out there where you would be their everything. Cut this off completely and look for that.


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## Emiaj24! (Sep 26, 2017)

Sorry my ex and husband are the same person. 
The thing is I let him go for 4 months no contact if he had som thing to say he would message my Sisiter in law and then I started going on dates with a guy I met and my ex would message him about the animals or stuff. I feel just as bad if not worse then when we actually separated. All I took was mine and my daughters clothes and I’m staying with my brother. What exactly is the 180?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

You need to keep working on yourself. You need to stop worrying about this relationship or any other relationship and fix yourself first. That is what the 180 is about taking your outward focus and turning it 180 degrees back onto yourself. Fix yourself and you will probably see that all of this drama you are living thru right now just isn't for you. And you will realize that this guy is just as broken as you are and you will probably want nothing to do with him or his games


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Emiaj24! said:


> Sorry my ex and husband are the same person.
> The thing is I let him go for 4 months no contact if he had som thing to say he would message my Sisiter in law and then I started going on dates with a guy I met and my ex would message him about the animals or stuff. I feel just as bad if not worse then when we actually separated. All I took was mine and my daughters clothes and I’m staying with my brother. What exactly is the 180?


Of course you feel worse. You are being jerked around like you are a cat toy and you are compromising all of what you really want. To 180 someone is to turn away from them completely (note: not turn ON them, just away). It is to protect yourself from them on all fronts - phone, internet, personal contact, financial ties, material ties. Search for it here on TAM. There are some great descriptions. NO contact, that means not directly or through sisters in law or new bfs. 

He is using your possessions to keep a hold on you, and frankly, you are allowing him to keep that hold. If you really want you life, YOU have to protect yourself from him completely. That is what 180 is. Decide what of your things you want from him and make an attempt to get them once and for all. DO NOT see him when you get them. Either have him drop them someplace neutral or have someone else pick them up. 

YOU made the decision to get back in touch with him when he contacted your sister in law or someone else. Decide what you want: your life or this drama. You only get one.


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## Emiaj24! (Sep 26, 2017)

So you don't think he could be confused and needs time to figure it out? 
It’s just so hard to imagine not having him in my life even with all the drama and craziness. A part of me wants to do the 180 and another part wants to try for one more time but I wouldn’t even know where to start? Am I just being dumb and having false hope? Most days it’s hard to just even get out of bed. The last time I asked him to hangout he would say yes or no just said he didn’t know what all he was doing that day.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You are plan B while he looks around to see if he can do better.

You are worth more than that. 

Cut him off.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You can find a link to the 180 in my signature block below.


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