# 17 Years wife cheated and I'm lost.....



## CipherClosed (Aug 15, 2015)

Found out 2 weeks ago that my wife of 17 years (3 kids) had been cheating on me for a month. She created an online single's profile that stated she was divorced. I won't get into the details on how I found out, but it involved snooping and digging in her phone etc. A week prior to me finding out she asked for a separation. After I found out she cheated I kicked her out. After a few days, I felt bad and told her to come back home with no stipulations and we would live together but remain "separated." Tuesday she left the house and went to go see her OM. I couldn't take it and ended up calling him. Telling him I just am trying to save my marriage, etc. The guy said he would back off. When my wife found out she decided to leave again, and based on her phone logs, they are still meeting and talking. Since Thursday I have stopped looking at her phone, tracking her whereabouts etc. I'm trying to detach. On top of all of this, I just found out today that I might have Prostate Cancer. I got tested because my father had, 2 of my uncles had it and now my older brother just got diagnosed with it. I'm trying to remain positive, but all of this stuff is happening to me at once. Wife leaves me, the Dr. Finds a nodule on my prostate and my PSA levels are elevated which points to Prostate Cancer. I haven't told the wife about the recent test results though she knows that i was getting tested. I don't want her sympathy and I don't want her to think I'm using it as a tactic to manipulate her. I'm losing sleep, not eating and just all around depressed. Trying to get out of this funk, but its so hard to do. The kids are with me and she gets to live her single life style staying with one of her girlfriends, while I try to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. Been reading about this 180 process but I'm having trouble detaching. I don't want to manipulate her at all...I just want to find me and become a better person, but its hard to get the thoughts of her and him out of my mind. Its consuming me. 

Any advice or help would be appreciated.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Have you exposed her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

So sorry you're here . It is VERY all consuming at first. Just try to take it one day at a time and lean on the good folks here.


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## CipherClosed (Aug 15, 2015)

Oh yes. We had a knock down drag out argument. Kicked her out confronted her etc. We went to one therapy session and when asked do you want to work on it, she said I don't know. Her contention is that I treated her poorly over the past few years. Which is fair. I could have treated her better. Though that is no excuse for cheating on me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Who have you exposed to?

I suggest you expose to both your families, all your friends, all his family and friends that you can locate.

Do they work together? How did they meet?

How old are your children?

Do you two attend church?

If so, expose to your church.

Her affair is fun, partially, because it is hidden. Do your children know what she is doing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Also. Show up at OMs house with your children and confront him.

Truth puts a bad taste on affairs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You need to focus completely on your health. It's time to be selfish. Fighting cancer is no joke. She does not have your back. You and the kids' well being does not matter to her. She'll go down the you're abusive, controlling, ETC to ease her guilt putting all of the blame on the destruction of the marriage/family on you. Thuck Fat. 

If possible, keep her out of the house. Go 180, File for D, separate finances, expose to to her family & friends and POS's wife/girlfriend. Do not shield her from consequences. Basically, prepare for war.


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## CipherClosed (Aug 15, 2015)

I don't know if I want to go that far. If there is any chance to reconcile, which i'm not even sure I want to do at the moment, would that be wise?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CipherClosed said:


> I don't know if I want to go that far. If there is any chance to reconcile, which i'm not even sure I want to do at the moment, would that be wise?


It is absolutely wise. It also illustrates what a man you are and what a coward the OM is.

Be in control and resist calling your WW harsh names, especially in front of your children.

You are honorable and everything about your wife and OM is not! 

Getting the truth out in the open is the best way to end the affair.

It is even good if you choose divorce or if she continues the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

CipherClosed said:


> I don't know if I want to go that far. If there is any chance to reconcile, which i'm not even sure I want to do at the moment, would that be wise?


If you read the threads on this and other similar forums, you'll see that husbands that are strong, and quickly make decisive actions have wives that come out of the fog and will remorsefully try to fight for the marriage. The week husbands that try to nice their wives, rug sweep, shield them from people knowing get played longer, continued trickle truth, multiple D days, and get left. 

You have to be willing to lose the marriage to possibly save it. No way around it. Exposing brings her actions to light. She can't hold head up as she 
is forced to face her actions. I would do surprise visit with the kids to POS's place. Let douche squirm as he sees what he's destroying. Let your wife see her kids eyes, as they look in horror at their mother. The bolder man always gets the girl.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

And whatever you do don't warn her of the exposure. Hit her hard all at one time. She'll say you ruined any chance to reconcile. It's bs. Don't believe her.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

If she wants a seperation, she has fallen out of love with you. Likely she has taken that bonding emotion and replaced you with the OM. Perhaps if you were well you could win her back, but you aren't well, and you don't need that added stress. (Also, why would you want her back?) 

I'm just going to say this, as long as your wife is waffling about a reconcilliation, she is not someone you need in your life. This is painful for you. This emotional pain will probably be worse than cancer treatment. And lasts for a long time, but one way or another the pain must be felt to move on. 

I am sorry. It is heartbreaking to love someone and see the best in them, only for them to show you what awful people they are. They like to rewrite history and put it on you, but it's crap. Her cheating isn't your fault. 

Kick her out, and keep her out. Let your friends and family know what she did and that you might have cancer. It is amazing how many people will support you through the worst times of your life when you let them know you need them. It will be your silver lining. And eventually, (Think years) you are going to be happy she is not in your life.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Reconciliation is only possible if both parties want it.

Think about this:

She can have the security you provide, the man she wants in the OM, and she knows that you are not going anywhere. Affairs are just that selfish. And you have zero shot of reconciling as long as the OM is in the picture.

If you want a chance to reconcile, do the following:

1. Expose to anyone important in your lives; family, friends, OM's family, OM's work (especially if they are carrying on during work time), everyone.

2. Tell her to leave.

3. File for divorce and have her served at work. You can stop the divorce proceedings at any time, but the idea is that she needs to see you not waiting around for her, behaving with strength, and showing her you respect yourself enough to not be a cuckold.

Affairs die quickly under the pressure of high pressure exposure. The idea is to make the OM see your wife as simply too much trouble to continue with. And if you kill the affair at the same time you take away yourself as a second choice, she suddenly sees that she went from two men competing for her to zero. For someone who thrives on ego kibbles (which most cheaters do), that gets real scary really fast.

OP, this sucks. You can simply decide to part ways. Ultimately that may be easier than fighting cancer and reconciling. The latter is tough enough when healthy.

But just because you have a nodule on your prostate doesn't mean you can't grab your balls and exercise some strength.

Trust me; you will feel much better when you do.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Reconciliation is only possible if both parties want it.
> 
> Think about this:
> 
> ...


:iagree:

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hang in there Cipher. It can be a lot to digest in a short period of time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CipherClosed (Aug 15, 2015)

I just literally got off the phone with her. Her mom called her asking about her OM and she asked if I had talked to her. I told her I didn't, but in fact I did. I think she thinks her mom doesn't know she's still seeing him. She asked me not to tell her. I told her I didn't want to lie to her mom but if she asks me I'll just say I don't know. I think I'll just tell her mom the truth. She seems really concerned and doesn't want her family to know she's still seeing this guy.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CipherClosed said:


> I just literally got off the phone with her. Her mom called her asking about her OM and she asked if I had talked to her. I told her I didn't, but in fact I did. I think she thinks her mom doesn't know she's still seeing him. She asked me not to tell her. I told her I didn't want to lie to her mom but if she asks me I'll just say I don't know. I think I'll just tell her mom the truth. She seems really concerned and doesn't want her family to know she's still seeing this guy.


EXPOSE!!! You don't need to be timid about it at all! She wants it kept secret to avoid trouble and shame for her and her AP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

CipherClosed said:


> I don't know if I want to go that far. If there is any chance to reconcile, which i'm not even sure I want to do at the moment, would that be wise?


The decision to D or giving her the opportunity to R is a very person choice and one that ultimately must be made by you. She apparently isn't interested in R. 

You will tell yourself all the usual excuses to try R, kids, finances, the usual. All these avoid how do you really feel. You are still in the beginning stages of this, how you feel 2 weeks from now will be different than today

One thing to contemplate we all have dealbreakers, if infidelity is a dealbreaker for you and you will D because of this, well divorces tend to go much easier while one person is in affair land. Once affairs end its a whole different ballgame.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

CipherClosed said:


> I just literally got off the phone with her. Her mom called her asking about her OM and she asked if I had talked to her. I told her I didn't, but in fact I did. I think she thinks her mom doesn't know she's still seeing him. She asked me not to tell her. *I told her I didn't want to lie to her mom but if she asks me I'll just say I don't know.* I think I'll just tell her mom the truth. She seems really concerned and doesn't want her family to know she's still seeing this guy.


Cipher now is not the time for timid action. Remember you have to be willing to destroy the marriage in order to save it. That means, she has to really see you standing up strong for yourself not cowering. That move of saying you would tell her mom you don't know is so WEAK. Woman can't respect a weak man. 

We have been on this and similar boards and see the same thing over and over. Let her see a man that unabashedly fights for his family and stands up for himself. EXPOSE TO EVERYONE. Not in a look what a whuer she is but in a talk some sense to her. She needs to feel shame for what she's doing. At first she's going to say that's it. You ruined any chance of R but it's bull$h!t.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Or just take it with your tail between your legs.

I mean, that's what you are doing now, right? Temporary discomfort for long term gains is nothing to really consider, right?


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## CipherClosed (Aug 15, 2015)

I told her mom that she's using her car to see her OM. I don't think her mom even gave a **** lol


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Her mother doesn't care that her grand kids re going to have a broken home? What about her dad, grand parents, close friends? Tell them ALL. Go to this POS house and firmly confront him in person. You spoke to this piece of garbage over the phone and wife probably convinced him that you're nothing. This worm should fracking $h!t his pants when he sees fire coming out of freaking eyes. Most on this board always advocate taking high road when it comes to confrontation. Me, not so much.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You're not listening Cipher. By the way, appropriate username. In the Matrix he was kind of the same.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Also. Show up at OMs house with your children and confront him.
> 
> Truth puts a bad taste on affairs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


uck. No.

You show up with her shyt.

Give it to the OM.

"She's now your problem"


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

CipherClosed said:


> I told her mom that she's using her car to see her OM. I don't think her mom even gave a **** lol


Family tends to stick with family so don't expect a great deal of support long term from her side. Exposure shouldn't be done piece meal. If/when you do it do it to every and quickly. Your spouse will follow the usual storyline and blameshifting and create you "the bad guy". She will play for sympathy from her family. It's what they do. Expose, do it quick and encompassing, it renders the history rewrite your spouse will do less believable.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Honcho is right. Blood is blood. Your best case scenario is them figuring every marriage has rough spots, but she blew it up pretty big time.


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## CipherClosed (Aug 15, 2015)

Yeah her mom went right to her but that's ok. She knows now. I'm filing for divorce next week and going to move on. I need to get my head right incase i have cancer and need to be positive to fight that battle.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Still expose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Basic"FairyDust"Love (Nov 19, 2014)

This going out of your way business to expose affairs makes no sense to me. If the person wants to leave you then let them go and let them be with who they want to be with and go on with your life. You shouldn't have to manipulate someone through exposure to try to get them back because then it won't be genuine.


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## PHE (Apr 25, 2015)

I feel your pain brother! and while my wife of 20 years hasn't cheated on me (at least not that I know of), it appears that we are going to separate and the pain of that is bad enough and I know I am going to feel the same way....losing sleep, not eating and just all around depressed. 

I am very, very sorry to see that you may have Prostate Cancer. TAKE CARE of yourself first and foremost. I know it is easy for me to sit here and say that, especially knowing that if I had a possible cancer diagnosis after what appears is going to be a separation that I would probably sink into a deep depression.

Again, I feel your pain as I am emotionally sick as dog over my wife and I potentially separating. I am holding out hope but I know that towards the end of this week its not going to be good.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Basic"FairyDust"Love said:


> This going out of your way business to expose affairs makes no sense to me. If the person wants to leave you then let them go and let them be with who they want to be with and go on with your life. You shouldn't have to manipulate someone through exposure to try to get them back because then it won't be genuine.


The more you read the more exposure will probably make sense.

Tried and true method that really benefits everyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Basic"FairyDust"Love (Nov 19, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> The more you read the more exposure will probably make sense.
> 
> Tried and true method that really benefits everyone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What exactly are the benefits?

You shouldn't have to manipulate, convince or beg a grown adult to stay with you especially one that you have been with for many years. Either they appreciate being with you or they don't. If they don't then let them be happy somewhere else and with someone else if that is the case.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

That all sound dandy in an abstract way but we're talking about a man that is trying to somehow salvage a marriage with 3 kids. Exposing is done to help get the wayward partner snap out of the fog.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

jsmart said:


> If you read the threads on this and other similar forums, you'll see that husbands that are strong, and quickly make decisive actions have wives that come out of the fog and will remorsefully try to fight for the marriage. The week husbands that try to nice their wives, rug sweep, shield them from people knowing get played longer, continued trickle truth, multiple D days, and get left.
> 
> You have to be willing to lose the marriage to possibly save it. No way around it. Exposing brings her actions to light. She can't hold head up as she
> is forced to face her actions. I would do surprise visit with the kids to POS's place. Let douche squirm as he sees what he's destroying. Let your wife see her kids eyes, as they look in horror at their mother. The bolder man always gets the girl.


Truly sorry this happening to you Cypher, however the advice you are receiving is sound and as extreme as it may sound to you at first so was her cheating, walking out you and your kids and then blaming you for it. 

Tell her to go pound sand, if she comes back at some point you can decide if that is what you want...if she doesn't you will have taken care of you and your kids in the meantime and will most likely be better off. 

Best of luck to you!


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Basic"FairyDust"Love said:


> What exactly are the benefits?
> 
> You shouldn't have to manipulate, convince or beg a grown adult to stay with you especially one that you have been with for many years. Either they appreciate being with you or they don't. If they don't then let them be happy somewhere else and with someone else if that is the case.


The problem is that most cheaters are simply not "grown adults". They are physically mature but mentally underdeveloped. Exposure makes their little fantasyland playground an uncomfortable place to be. When children are uncomfortable they change positions.

OP,
I am in agreement with most here in that you should expose, not only for a chance to break up the A and have a shot at R but also because sheltering the WS from the ridicule, condemnation and scorn that they should be facing is a form of enabling. If they cannot take the heat then perhaps better to stay out of the kitchen.

Focus your strength and energy towards your health at this time. If you end up not having cancer, which is a possibility, you will still be better prepared to deal with the WW if you detach and feel good about yourself. Good fortune to you.


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## Basic"FairyDust"Love (Nov 19, 2014)

jsmart said:


> That all sound dandy in an abstract way but we're talking about a man that is trying to somehow salvage a marriage with 3 kids. Exposing is done to help get the wayward partner snap out of the fog.


Nothing was stated about it being easy for the non-cheating spouse but don't assume that all affairs are done in a "fog". All adults aren't dumb. Plus some non-affair relationships in general start in a "fog". Isn't that some of the appeal otherwise a lot of people would never get married in the first place. Also, it's not impossible for some affairs to result in relationships or marriages that last a long time or for the rest of their lives. Not saying it's right but it does sometimes happen.


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## Basic"FairyDust"Love (Nov 19, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> The problem is that most cheaters are simply not "grown adults". They are physically mature but mentally underdeveloped. Exposure makes their little fantasyland playground an uncomfortable place to be. When children are uncomfortable they change positions.


Why would a mature adult want to be with or stay with a childish adult then? Also, do you want a spouse to stop cheating because they were exposed or because they really wanted to stop cheating? If they're exposed but don't want to really stop cheating then all they have to do is just take their activities more underground.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Basic"FairyDust"Love said:


> Why would a mature adult want to be or stay with a childish adult then? Also, do you want a spouse to stop cheating because they were exposed or because they really wanted to stop cheating? If they're exposed but don't want to really stop cheating then all they have to do is just take their activities more underground.


You don't expose to manipulate or "win" your spouse back. Affairs thrive on secrecy and the illusion of the perfect Lil world of affairland. Bringing the real world into affairland they sometimes fall apart but people deserve to know the truth of why a family is breaking apart. It's rare that a WS doesn't rewrite history to make the BS look like a horrible person to justify actions of affair.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

How do we know his wife is in the fog, because she thinks that her family of 17 years which includes their 3 kids should just be chucked out.
For what? A guy she met on the internet a few months ago. Relationships founded on the ashes of destroyed families to me are wrong. 

The OP is rightly pursing D but I know by his words that he would prefer to R. Why because he feels his family is worth fighting for. That's why we're advocating exposing to all. Shame can help dissipate the fog.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Cipher, this is really tough and with your medical condition, makes it so much worse. The advice here about exposure is spot on. It is ESSENTIAL that the affair is exposed to everyone, scorched earth fashion. Affairs thrive in the dark and history is rewritten when the truth is not exposed. Do it NOW, now more faffing around, you are already losing the battle if you want to keep your family together. I know it sounds counter intuitive but you will see from here, it can work.

You did mention that you have not treated her well , but that is no excuse for an affair. You might want to specify what exactly you did. Did you have an affair or play around before?

Expose her now to family, friends, no ***** footing around, be strong, you have the moral high ground here, no leniency should be shown to her at all
Do the 180 on her, live as if you do not need her 
live for the kids, if the kids are old enough, tell them what is happening
get a good lawyer who knows what he is doing
focus on getting better for your kids


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

And call that guy back up and tell him your lawyer will subpoena him in the divorce and he will be entered into the court record as cheating with your spouse.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Basic"FairyDust"Love said:


> Why would a mature adult want to be with or stay with a childish adult then? Also, do you want a spouse to stop cheating because they were exposed or because they really wanted to stop cheating? If they're exposed but don't want to really stop cheating then all they have to do is just take their activities more underground.


This is the issue with your thought process. It is a fallacy, one that I myself struggled with for a time, to believe that all people think the same. That is grossly untrue.

In a perfect world, the cheater who did not wish to reform would simply D and move on to experience whatever it is they wanted. In this world however, the cheater rarely knows what they want and are most often looking for what does not exist.

By "shocking" their system, through exposure and the threat of D, sometimes they come to the conclusion that the bird in the hand is worth more than those in the bush. Sometimes not, but regardless, assigning them the ability to "know" on their own what is the right thing to do is overly optimistic thinking.

As for reasons to try this approach, they abound. Time is one reason since many here have invested significant portions of their lives with their SO and do not wish to discard those years. Finances are another consideration. To lose the security that took a lifetime to obtain is daunting to most people and the thought of having to rebuild that is simply devastating.

Then there is familiarity. Ofttimes there are extended families involved including grandchildren that would be negatively affected. And, believe it or not, sometimes the BS knows the futility of the WS's actions and that they are doing things that will prove detrimental to themselves in the long run and they do not wish to see that happen, which brings me to my last point, love. Some BSs actually would rather bring their WS to reality, or at least attempt to, and live with the results rather then simply discard them and begin again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It's time to show your old lady her new reality and do this now!

Have her served ASAP.

Don't be afraid to drop the kids off on a Friday, put them in her lap and tell her you need some time for your self and will pick them up in the morning.

I hope you have cut off all the money by now...if not do so now. Stop the insurance and change your beneficiaries.

Exposing this cheating is just another way of letting everyone know she has a new boyfriend and you will be divorceing.

And don't forget to fill out the change of address form at the post office.


These are the steps you can take in showing her #1 her new reality and #2 you have moved on...this time it will be up to her to fight for the family if she really wants it back.

Sorry ...but until she start to think twice in what she is losing you are phucked. Once you get her to second guess her choices the other man will always be in the picture.

And thats the thing with this shyt...she has to get rid of the OM before any thing can be done with the marriage.

Trust me this POS has a no strings attached phuck buddy he will never shut this down unless he is cut off by your old lady, and if she cuts this guy off she has to see her new reality isn't so green after all.

Please do what you can to make this affair as inconvenent and as uncomfortable as possible if you want to save your family.


You will know it's working the more pissed off she gets at you....you can not nice your way out of this!


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## CipherClosed (Aug 15, 2015)

Thanks for the feedback and I don't have cancer.....or at least don't know if I do yet. I still have to get a biopsy. But I have insurance and am fine from that respect. If I eventually need radiation, or surgery etc, I have family around that can help me. I'm just ready to move on. I know I could be possibly facing the fight of my life if this turns out to be cancer and I have to have the mental strength to fight it. I can't do it if I'm in this depression constantly thinking about my STBX. I've been reconnecting with old friends/girlfriends and am starting to get my mind back. My main focus now is myself and my kids. In regards to exposing her...maybe I will maybe I won't. I've already exposed her in some respect to a lot of people. I don't think it will change anything at all. She's moved on too....its best that I do the same.


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## CipherClosed (Aug 15, 2015)

aine said:


> Cipher, this is really tough and with your medical condition, makes it so much worse. The advice here about exposure is spot on. It is ESSENTIAL that the affair is exposed to everyone, scorched earth fashion. Affairs thrive in the dark and history is rewritten when the truth is not exposed. Do it NOW, now more faffing around, you are already losing the battle if you want to keep your family together. I know it sounds counter intuitive but you will see from here, it can work.
> 
> You did mention that you have not treated her well , but that is no excuse for an affair. You might want to specify what exactly you did. Did you have an affair or play around before?
> 
> ...


I didn't treat her well in the respect that I could have romanced her more. I could have been a better husband and better friend. I made her feel bad and even belittled her at times. All things that I regret. All things that I'm in Therapy now trying to work out so that the next person doesn't have to get the same treatment. Having said that, I never even looked at another woman. I've had the opportunity to on multiple occasions but it never even crossed my mind. I LOVED that woman. I ADORED that woman. I know I had a funny way of showing it, but I truly did. 

But yet, I'm letting go, moving on and I just hope that if I am ever lucky enough to find someone again that I don't make the same mistakes.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Look at it this way, the harder you make this for her the more the OM has to listen to all the bull shyt and complaining from her. LOL

When you start getting shyt from her about how you are treating her, inform her the easy part is say the words "we are done" the hard part is taking the step in actually doing it. So tell she is welcome that you are doing the heavy lifting in completing this seperation. After all she wanted this not you!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Everyone will say to leave the kids out of this...but that is impossible when their mom isn't home at bed time.

So you may as well let them help you pack up all her crap, throw into boxes and either put it in the garage or take it to a storage....you do have other options in were to take her crap but I would pack it up either way.

Again make this affair as inconvenient and as uncomfortable as possible....it just might save your family.

Don't be afraid brother...chicks like confident men...so show your old lady how confident you are in letting her go.

She just might find the grass isn't greener on the other side.


For what it's worth, from what you have posted so far you have done everything to make her think the grass "is" greener on the other side....it's time to change that.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Oh ya when you go down to the post office to have her address changed, don't forget to send her a registered letter with her share of the bills for this month.

One more thing...when you see your lawyer talk to him about taking action against the OM, even if it's a threatening letter with the lawyers letter head.

Again make this affair as inconvenient and as uncomfortable as possible.( I hope this statement shows you why exposure is part of all this)


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW...as soon as your old lady sees a lawyer she will be moving back in.

Prepare your self and act quickly!

In what I mean is you can nail her for abandonment and that will not help her or her lawyer out. so please document everyything and establish the fact that she moved out and she has the oppertunity to pay her share of the family bills.

Since your old lady made the dumb @ss mistake of moving out (abandonment) she could make a claim of domectic abuse...just saying...

She will for sure claim emotional abuse to cover her @ss for abandoning the family. You have a couple of things going for you #1 you were not that bad to were she didn't take the kids and #2 you can prove she had a boyfriend at the time she Abandoned the family.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

CipherClosed said:


> But yet, I'm letting go, moving on and I just hope that if I am ever lucky enough to find someone again that I don't make the same mistakes.


Lets not jump the gun with this "someone" else talk.

Lets take care of the "BUSINESS" at hand....get your divorce and scrap that toxic woman from your life, see your doctor and scrape your @ss whole out.

As far as the marriage goes you could have caught this early...more importantly you did however catch this cancer early which means you can move on and live life with great kids and new chicks for the choosing.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

CipherClosed said:


> I didn't treat her well in the respect that I could have romanced her more..


 And mark my word that she'll use this against you to guilt you into oblivion. Maybe you could have been a better husband, and she could have told you to shape up or ship out, or got a lawyer and filed but she decided to have another man on the side and enjoy the security of a home life with you, but instead she cheated which should tell you that she's no diamond in the rough either.

YOU Want to heal? Then get her out of the house. She made her choice so now let her live with it. If not you in for a real rocky road.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

CC I am impressed with you. 

So many people who begin posting here are lost and refuse to see what needs to be done. I wanted to shout out the window HELL YEA !! After reading your last post. Go to theraphy to fix those things to create a better relationship going forward, who ever that relationship is with. 

You will find yourself at 50,000 feet. You will see things in yourself and other people you never noticed before. As you progress to grow yourself work to secure yourself in a post divorce world (threat filling as another form of separation) work with your lawyer. Understand her mind set and likely actions to protect yourself and if necessary gain your goals. Understand the fog, both Gershwin and your's.


Hugh hat tip to Jsmart

Coping With Infidelity: Understanding The "Wayward Fog" - Marriage AdvocatesMarriage Advocates

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity and Cheating


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## CipherClosed (Aug 15, 2015)

I appreciate the kind words and feedback. Now i'm debating what to tell her about my health issues. She knows that they found a nodule, but I lied to her about my PSA levels. They are a lot higher than what I told her they were. I didn't want her to have sympathy for me because frankly I want to fight this battle alone (meaning with my real friends and family). Ironically she had thyroid cancer in the past and I stuck by her the whole time. I stuck by her through every ordeal she went through, I even raised her son (She had a 2 year old when we met, he's now 19) and he calls me dad. He is my son. I'm ready to start this new life and begin to find out what I can become. I spent way too many years waiting on her. Shaping my life and my kids life to her "issues." I'm going to be free from that burden now. There is so many other things that I could say, but none of it really matters. I'm scared what the future may hold, but I know it will not be with her.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

O.K. Get your legal and financial ducks in a row. Do it decisively and without her knowledge.

Still have her served at work.

Get finances separated and lawyered up before taking action.
Cut her out and do the 180. You have a lot of life to live!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. In this instance particularly, you living well without her will truly be great retribution.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do you really think she deserve the right to know what is going on in your personal life?

I think she gave that up with the choices she has made!

Let her find out from others...if she even really cares.

Go dark my friend...she deserves that much ...especially from a women who didn't have the ball to face an unhealthy marriage and chose the decietful approach by having a covert affair that *had* and I say it again *had* to be uncovered...even worse she went deeper underground after the 1st confrontation.

This woman deserve the same respect she has given you....stay/go dark.....a statement that shows her she is no longer part of your life. let her *Fight* her way back into the "family circle"....if she wants!

Go find a hot nurse! If it was me, she will wear a white leather one piece with high heals and stockings...but that's just me.


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

I think that standing up to your wife is in order. Right now she is taking advantage of you because you are allowing it. 

Kick her out of the house. Spouses who cannot be faithful have no right to live in the matrimonial home. 

Expose her cheating to all parties involved. Do not call the OM again.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

CipherClosed said:


> I appreciate the kind words and feedback. Now i'm debating what to tell her about my health issues. She knows that they found a nodule, but I lied to her about my PSA levels. They are a lot higher than what I told her they were. I didn't want her to have sympathy for me because frankly I want to fight this battle alone (meaning with my real friends and family). Ironically *she had thyroid cancer in the past and I stuck by her the whole time. I stuck by her through every ordeal she went through, I even raised her son (She had a 2 year old when we met, he's now 19) and he calls me dad. He is my son.* I'm ready to start this new life and begin to find out what I can become. I spent way too many years waiting on her. Shaping my life and my kids life to her "issues." I'm going to be free from that burden now. There is so many other things that I could say, but none of it really matters. *I'm scared what the future may hold,* but I know it will not be with her.


You've been a good man to her. No one deserves to be betrayed but it seems so much worse after all the struggles you endured together. 

She's living high now but let's see if POS wants to take on a divorcee with 3 kids. I promise you, if you keep yourself in shape, looking sharp, and positive that you will do well with the ladies but that is down the road. You must now selfishly concentrate on getting your health back and detaching. 

Here's a link to an article discussing how men fair after divorce at middle age. 

Post Selection |


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