# love him but Not in love



## soulsister (Feb 10, 2012)

My husband and I separated for a short time 4 yrs ago for 3 months I was not happy in our marriage because I was just not IN Love I am not really sure if I ever was we have 3 children together I do know I love him and he is a great father and husband but I still find myself just going through the motions,we got back together because I was hurting him and our family and felt very guilty and selfish but now I feel resentment towards him and I hate having that feeling but recently in a argument he reviled to me he made me feel guilty on purpose to make me stay and now I feel I just cant do it any more but I fear mostly is my children and hurting them and am not financially stable to leave we need to renovate our home in order to put it up for sale so we can go on any advise on if I should just work through it again and stay unhappy so everyone else in my world can be happy


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Theres a reason for the unhappiness. You are BORED.
Bored with life, bored with the marriage, and bored with busting your a$$ and time and money and working hard 100% of the time.
Struggle has its long term effects if its allowed to go without any kind of progress shown. 
Get into a marriage counselor and work out the situation. Say what needs to be said and hold nothing back. Get some help on how to overcome this lull in your marriage. It can be done. You can regain the excitement in your marriage, and honest love for your husband again. Both of you are probably just bogged down and not feeling it at all.

You gotta know that the initial limerance and flutterly feeling towards a new love goes away after awhile, and evolves into a deeper committment to each other after that. It is when the great "choice" is made to work through the issues that will come.
Its not too late, youre not out of love, and that family has a chance.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

soulsister said:


> My husband and I separated for a short time 4 yrs ago for 3 months I was not happy in our marriage because I was just not IN Love I am not really sure if I ever was we have 3 children together I do know I love him and he is a great father and husband but I still find myself just going through the motions,*we got back together because I was hurting him and our family and felt very guilty and selfish but now I feel resentment towards him* and I hate having that feeling but recently in a argument he reviled to me he made me feel guilty on purpose to make me stay and now I feel I just cant do it any more but I fear mostly is my children and hurting them and am not financially stable to leave we need to renovate our home in order to put it up for sale so we can go on any advise on if I should just work through it again and stay unhappy so everyone else in my world can be happy


What were you doing to hurt him and your family and have you really overcome that issue? What was the reason for separating? It sounds like whatever the issue you both just swept it under the rug, and that unfinished business really has tainted all aspects of your relationship including how the two of you perceive each other not just now but the time in your life when you actually were in love enough to get married and decide to start a family together.


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## soulsister (Feb 10, 2012)

The thing is we have tried Counselling we have went all through that its not that we haven't tried, I haven't taken the idea of separating lightly by any means our Councillor even said the best path to take is to separate I guess what I really want advise on is to where to start I am at a loss


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## soulsister (Feb 10, 2012)

What I meant about hurting my family is breaking it up in the first place but I think he deserves more then what I can even give him, Its like we have become room mates the love just isn't there.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

I believe everyone should be happy. And I do believe that people grow apart. Life's too short to not be happy for ANYONE! If you leave your H, and you are both on good terms, the kids will be fine.Just make sure they know they can talk to you both and they know you LOVE them. Be there for them. I'd hate to have my daughter come to me when she's 20 and tell me that I shoulda left her dad a long time ago if we weren't happy. I don't ever want my child to feel like I stayed because of her. I know people that it's happened to and there kids resent it. 
I grew up w/ dysfunctional-divorcing parents. They HATED each other. My mom still bad mouths dad and it's been 25+ years since they D. It's ridiculous.
Be happy in life.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

soulsister said:


> What I meant about hurting my family is breaking it up in the first place but I think he deserves more then what I can even give him, Its like we have become room mates the love just isn't there.


If you were never in love with him in the first place you shouldn't have married him, and separating should have been permanent, you should have divorced him instead of move back in because all you did was reignite the futile hope he has in you that you will invest in the marriage like a spouse is supposed to.

Like Shoo says, you are probably just bored... life is hard work and sometimes it is easy to just escape reality by distracting ourself. If one or both spouses are not investing in the relationship the relationship will die, and the death of the relationship feels exactly like what you are describing. If he was guilting you into trying to change your behavior it wasn't healthy but it was valid, if there is any chance to save your relationship you both have to commit to it and find a way to reconnect, ie work through this with a MC.

Bewarned though, that the way you describe the situation puts up all kinds of red flags of infidelity and guaranteed he is suspecting this at some conscious level. An affair, be it physical or emotional, can instigate all the feelings you say you are having, your words sounds like you are in the fog on an extramarital relationship - I'm not accusing you, just warning you that 99% of the time that's how it will be interpreted, and if that is the case you need to realize your mind is deceiving you about everything you are experiencing.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I find it interesting the MC advised seperation. Stats show only 10% of seperated couples remain married. Another stunning fact taken at the University of Chicago showed that of 5,000 married adults, 650 were unhappy. 5 Years later of those 650 unhappy, 80% who stayed in the marriage were happy, only 19% of those who divorced were happier.

Sometime, time heals the love that once was.


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

Agreed, This is me - especially those who are just feeling bored or burnt out but otherwise have a good marriage should probably just stick it out for a while. I read these statistics about 4 years ago - I was unhappy then and still am unhappy now. Guess I'm one of the 20%! But that's just me...if you have a good spouse but feel burned out, try to reconnect with them and save it.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

Statistics are statistics though......you have to go with your heart and what feels right. To me, my gut feeling is what matters. Everyone is different.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

luckycardinal said:


> Agreed, This is me - especially those who are just feeling bored or burnt out but otherwise have a good marriage should probably just stick it out for a while. I read these statistics about 4 years ago - I was unhappy then and still am unhappy now. Guess I'm one of the 20%! But that's just me...if you have a good spouse but feel burned out, try to reconnect with them and save it.


Remember that the 80% are probably not spending time at this website. Love cures all.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

NotSoSureYet said:


> Statistics are statistics though......you have to go with your heart and what feels right. To me, my gut feeling is what matters. Everyone is different.


But when it comes to Love there is the term Labor of Love, which related to the work involved to make it happen, more so than the feeling of love. Feelings come and go but actions can make feeling. 

I would bet on the horse and jockeys statistics/record more than on the feelings I have about the colors they are wearing that day. IMHO


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## numbergirl (Feb 11, 2012)

Wow, Soulsister, I got chills reading your post. I am right there with you. We have four children, married 13 yrs ago, got divorced after two years, reunited and remarried after two years, and here I am again. He is wonderful, a great friend, but I am NOT attracted to him and have continued into a downward spiral of depression since these feelings of wanting out began two years ago. 

Should I have ever married him? Should I have ever gotten back together with him? Well, sure, easy to answer those questions NOW. I always acted on what I felt was the best thing to do for my family.

Our desire to the traditionally" right" thing and keep from hurting the people we care about keeps us from listening to our hearts. 

So, I have been believing that I have been strong for my family. I can hide it and fake it until my heart miraculously changes into the feelings that I should have, right? 

I recently went on a trip with my pre-teenage daughter to see family in another state. While there, I realized that happiness in this life is possible and not something I need to fake. On our way home, my daugher asked me why I was never like that at home. The kids can see it. 

I am trying to make this short, but I wanted you to know that I do know how you feel. Whatever you need to do to get some clarity for yourself, do it. Ultimately, if you are true to yourself, it will be right for all the people in your life.


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