# wife cheated because of major problems with us



## sadnconfused (Sep 27, 2010)

I recently found out my wife of 10 years has been seeing someone outside of our marriage. I noticed a lot of the signs of infidelity but I eventually caught her because of an outrageous cell phone bill.

Our situation is very unique. We are both professionals who are well known in our local community. We work together. We have 2 beautiful children (8 and 5). On the outside, we would appear to be the perfect couple. However, we had been acting as "partners" for 6 years or more. No sex during that entire time!!

My wife grew up in a very troubled family. Her father physically and verbally abused her mother for her entire childhood. He was a very controlling person. He was a very successful person who maintained a very rigid schedule. My wife had an ideal of what a father should be, and her father was NOT it. She did believe, however, that her spouse should maintain the same rigid schedule as her father. That is where the problems began.

I was the one who was very instrumental in the success of our business. I worked long hours under intense stress. She was important in the business but was more passively involved. Admittedly, she was more involved with our children. However, I was far from an uninvolved father. I took them to soccer, gymnastics, and went to all of their events. This, to her, was not good enough. She began to see me as parent/spouse who was not pulling his weight. She began showing me no respect whatsover. This tore at me and eventually I pulled further away from her and more into my work. I continued being a good father to our children. She also pulled further away and essentially, we became two people living together just raising our children.

Eventually, I found out about the affair. I was sad but not entirely caught off guard. I didn't expect an affair but I knew something was going to give sooner or later. I was hoping that we would see a marriage counselor but neither one of us took the initiative to do so.

After I found out about the affair and after considerable thought, I decided to ask her if she was willing to try to fix our marriage. She said she would be lying to me if she agreed to try counseling at this point. She wants to continue seeing (at least talking to) the other man. The other man is separated from his spouse and has no career and no car. He is a stay at home dad who is raising a 4 year old girl. He plays the guitar and writes poetry. He and my wife had been boyfriend and girlfriend in high school for a short period of time. He found her on Facebook and asked if he could call her. She agreed and the rest is history. 

She said she thinks that our marriage is beyond repair. The most puzzling thing to me is that she knows the huge ramifications divorce will have with our families and our children. She still doesn't want to try counseling at this point. 

I, myself, don't know if our marriage is fixable. However, I believe we owe it to ourselves and our children to at least try. I guess I had much stronger feelings about what marriage meant in the first place. "Love and fidelity" and "Till death do us" part really meant something to me. I know I played a major role in the downfall of our marriage, but we both did. She committed the ultimate betrayal by bringing this other person into her life. And now, she is unwilling to try to make it work for the sake of us and our children. I am just dumbfounded and sad because this bright, intelligent beautiful woman that I married is so unwilling to try to salvage our marriage. 

I'm sad, confused, hurt and don't know what to do. Advice please!!!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Who's decision was it to not have sexual relations? It would be my opinion that the marriage basically was over 6 years ago and whoever decided to stop being intimate left the marriage years ago.
It doesn't sound like you've actually lost anything of real value. You had no sexual relationship with your wife. You indicated she had no respect for you. She's not interested enough in the marriage to even talk to a counselor. The OM in this equation isn't the murderer. He's just the undertaker. 
I don't know what possible advantage your kids could derive from being daily exposed to two loveless adults. I think I would prefer that mine grow up in a loving, happy home, even if their primary address wasn't mine. I'd prefer they knew me as the man God intended me to be, a loving and joyful father and husband. 
Your heart and body ought to be in the same location and so should your wife's. We get 70 years to do something with and if we squander it on being miserable or in just going through the motions, we have cheated ourselves, those around us, and our Creator.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Actually, your situation is very far from unique. Your situation is found in so many homes that it's hard to guess a number. This is not a special problem. And the solution is something you can work on and achieve. It depends on what you are willing to do.

Your wife is in the _middle of an affair!_ Of COURSE she doesn't want counseling. Of COURSE she doesn't respect you! She is lost in what we call the 'fog' - or, 'disloyal dizziness.' The Other Man appears to be her soul mate. The Other Man appears to be darn near perfect. She is minimizing the good in your marriage, maximizing the bad. She is minimizing the bad with the Other Man, and maximizing the good. 

This is necessary in order to justify the affair. It happens in pretty much _every single affair_. Nothing unique or special there. She is following what has been called a script. 

And taking that script seriously is a mistake. She is fogbound, and can come out of it at any time. When she does, her perceptions will change.

There is a HUGE advantage to working on your marriage. The damage a divorce does to children far outweighs the benefits they may have in seeing their parent split because 'they aren't satisfied'. At the very minimum, this teaches your kids that running away from trouble is preferable to facing it and overcoming it. And people wonder why so many marriages fail! 

If you are willing to work on your marriage, there are specific steps you can take to get it back. And it does not require your wife to be involved. Yet. It is up to you. You can help bring that 'bright, intelligent beautiful woman that you married' out of the fog, so that she changes her mind about salvaging the marriage. 

No guarantees, but I recommend doing everything you can before giving up. If it still fails, at least you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror and nod that you did everything you could. You won't be able to say that if you cut and run now.

But keep this in mind: you are fully within your rights, morally, to divorce her for infidelity. That is your decision to make.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Don't drink the koolaid she is trying to get you to sip. That is, you're a terrible husband and not there for her.

Um, she is cheating!

If I were you I would give her a reality check. draw a line in the sand.

Either she works on the marriage and cuts ties to that guitar playing intruder, or she leaves the home.

You do not have to tolerate her active cheating.

Consult with a lawyer on the best way to approach this ultimatum.

Be prepared for war.


You can bet your bottom dollar she is ready and has been preparing for it.

Yes, you can hope for her changing her activities and attitudes. But in the meantime, don't tolerate her current behavior and attitudes.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Been there done that, Its amazing how screwed up it gets when both are laying in bed but your miles apart. I hope you both wake up and commit to the marriage. It sound as if you did, I did when I found out 7 months ago.
My wife saw the effert, especially my work load, I started taking more time off of work and appling it to her. In return she stopped all contact with, shall I say, bad influences, So show her in actions and hope she recipicates.
From what I've read at this site she may not recipicate, and if thats the case start reading up on this cheating grap and get ready for war. getting her to stop contacting the OM(for real) is just half the battle, from there you can win the war.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

_Been there done that, Its amazing how screwed up it gets when both are laying in bed but your miles apart._

DITTO - same here. And it led to my H having an affair. He was still a great dad and once he was discovered told me that's why he never had left me. He was staying for the kids, not me. (ouch) 

Well, we've come along way and he's here for me and our kids now. And I'm SO glad he is!!

Sorry and best of luck.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

check out:

Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage

they have many resources there re: marriage & infidelity, as well as others.

May God bless your efforts SadConfused.___________ray:


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## sadnconfused (Sep 27, 2010)

*more info from me and asking for more advice please!!*

As far as the sexual realations and whose decision it was to end them, well, we both really did. Neither of us initiated sex. When she began losing respect for me and bickering at everything about me that she perceived as a problem, I withdrew from her physically. For me, the physical attraction was still there. The emotional attraction had left. I'm sure she has her own version that I'm not privy to. Likewise though, she never tried to hug, kiss or otherwise initiate sex with me. It worked both ways.

When I said that our situation was very "unique." I wasn't trying to say that I felt millions of others had not gone through a poor marriage that turned into an affair. I basically meant to say that we are so interconnected careerwise and financially that it makes a dissolution especially difficult.

Her father owns the office building for our practice. She is the owner of the house and cars. We own a family cottage together with my brother and sister in law. She has sizable investment income from her investments that her father set aside for her. I am on her father's health insurance that he carries through his own practice. Our income taxes that I paid for the past 10 years have been largely because of her investment income. I paid most of these from the income that our practice generated. Therefore, it has been very difficult to establish a nest-egg through our own labor. She and her father basically said that it is "all one big pot" so what is the big deal where the money to pay the taxes came from. I, stupidly, went along with this. She basically has a lot of money and I do not. I do, however, have a great education and I don't think I will struggle to make ends meet. Her father will, I believe (right or wrong), put the blame on her for the dissolution of our marriage, if that in fact happens. In reality, he is one of the major reasons that she has been messed up mentally. Deep down, I think her father would acknowledge this.

Nonetheless, we are still in a situation where she will not try to work on our marriage. I am willing to try. I believe this "cloud" or "fog" is accurate. She would be willing to try if the OM was not in the picture. She said she is not so sure if that would be true but she acknowledges that it would be easier. Basically, I think she looks at me not so much as a husband but rather simply a partner. She doesn't know if we can get "it" back. I, on the other hand, am willing to try. The OM is clouding her judgment.

At this point, I have made an appointment with a counselor for myself. She doesn't want to go to one. I am trying to figure out if it makes sense for me to ask her to leave our home until she is willing to try to save our marriage or we go down the divorce road. I do not want divorce. She said she is not sure what she wants at this point. However, I am also not a doormat. Right now, she has it both ways. In one hand, she can continue her affair with the OM to satisfy her needs. In the other hand, I'm am still there in our home by staying with the kids when she "goes to her girlfriend's house." (more than likely she is talking to him and not seeing him because he lives several hours away and has no car). 

I am just at a loss. Do I ask her to leave for awhile in hopes that she comes out of the fog and agrees to stop contact with him or do I continue living in the same house with her? I know if I ask her to leave and she gets her own apartment for awhile, her relationship with him will escalate. Will this make it that much harder to try to preserve our marriage? Do I tell my family? Her family? Her friends? My friends? Our couple friends?

Thanks everyone for reading and listening. I am in a terrible state right now!!


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

use the resource info given u, or elongate yer pain/worry if u so choose.


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