# Trying to cope with guilt and breaking off an affair



## Surfer Boy (May 27, 2013)

Wow, I feel so bad that I can't sleep anymore.
I have been married almost 30 years.
I love my wife and we have a daughter. 
My wife and I both have successful businesses, hers takes her out of town a lot.
The physical part of our relationship started going downhill when she started to gain weight, lost some self esteem and did not feel good about her body. She constantly put herself down and our lovemaking was down to once a month.
I told her I loved her and needed her, but it fell on deaf ears.
I have been clean and sober 20 years, and there was a woman in one of my meeting groups who flirted with me all the time. I was tempted but resisted .
Finally, about 6 months ago, one day, to meet my needs, I figured that I would use an escort, no problem, no emotional connection, right?
A friend turned me on to a service, it was with a Korean girl. 
I was apprehensive at first, but the sex was great, and the best part was that she didn't speak English.
I would see her once a week, would go out with the wife, and things seemed great.
But three months ago my Korean concubine was talking about her family back home (she had some I pad translator) and how she was in a world of hurt and how lonely she was. She asked if I could take her to dinner.
I had told her I wasn't married--probably thought she would think better of me-- so I figured since the wife was out of town a dinner would be harmless.
Problem was the dinner turned into her texting me all the time about how she missed me, loved me and needed me.
I am 52 and she is probably 30 and gorgeous. She even paid for the meals and bought me gifts. I was flattered.
My wife has not suspected anything because our sex life actually got better.
Anyway, now my Korean girl wanted more.
I had to tell her I was married.
She was crushed and then told me it was okay, she loved me and was willing to share because I was so nice. I have helped her with her English and thrown a couple of extra dollars her way, nothing much.
I knew I had to break it off, and two weeks ago I did.
I changed my phone number so that she could not contact me, I told the wife I changed the number because of a business problem.
Problem is, I miss the attention she gave me, the sex was great (I wasn't even paying any more, well just emotionally I see now) and I miss how much she would say she loved me, the hugs, the texts, the cute gifts.
My friend uses her friend, another escort, and she tells him she misses me, wants me back, worries about me.
I wake up at night missing her, my stomach aches, I can't sleep, 
I get anxiety attacks missing her.
I just want to tell her I am okay, but I know I can't.
I wish I had never started, but then I think of the fun she brought into my life.
I am just miserable and the sleepless nights are horrible.
Maybe just this venting will help.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

How would you feel about divorcing your wife and starting again with the Korean lady?


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## Surfer Boy (May 27, 2013)

Well, then I would be stuck in the same predicament, probably feel even more guilty about divorcing my wife, ruining something that had been built so long for something that is probably like a high school crush and in all likelihood would not last. 
Dealing with the guilt is just eating me up.
You always romanticize about two women in love with you.
It's not that great.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Would you like it if your wife was cheating on you?

Feeling guilt is understandable. 

*But what are you going to do to fix your marriage?*

Otherwise you are just going to do it again.

And sooner or later your wife is going to catch you.


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## Surfer Boy (May 27, 2013)

You are exactly right.
The ironic part is that my marriage is better, we do more things together. And I realize that not fixing it would lead to more playing around.
I just feel bad bad about hurting the other person.
I confided in my friend, and he told me she is the one that, once she found out you were married, should have moved on and stopped messing with my emotions.
Guilt just sucks.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Surfer Boy said:


> Guilt just sucks.


So does a wife living with a liar and cheat.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Surfer Boy said:


> You are exactly right.
> The ironic part is that my marriage is better, we do more things together. And I realize that not fixing it would lead to more playing around.
> I just feel bad bad about hurting the other person.
> *I confided in my friend*, and he told me she is the one that, once she found out you were married, should have moved on and stopped messing with my emotions.
> Guilt just sucks.


The same friend who is doing the exact same thing you were? Seeking sexual gratification outside the marriage/relationship? 

What you need to do is tell your wife that you screwed up and potentially exposed her to all sorts of nasty bugs. Don't try to feed the line of bs that she was clean, etc. She got paid to have sex with other people. You have no idea how many others she was f*cking while with you, nor what any of them had. Do the right thing and let HER decide if she wants to remain with you.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Surfer Boy said:


> You are exactly right.
> The ironic part is that my marriage is better, we do more things together. And I realize that not fixing it would lead to more playing around.
> I just feel bad bad about hurting the other person.
> I confided in my friend, and he told me she is the one that, once she found out you were married, should have moved on and stopped messing with my emotions.
> Guilt just sucks.


She isn't married -you are.

To blame her for not "moving" on is an appalling example of blame shifting and denial.

This is *your* fault. You made a *choice*. Now deal with it. Tell your wife and face the consequences.

Oh, whilst you're at it, read the Married Man's Sex Life Primer by Athol.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

You need to tell the wife because you feel something for this person. You need her to be watching you closely do you don't run back. 

I know it's flattering to have someone else telling you how awesome you are, but in the end it's just the fantasy that's fun. It's not nice or fun to be taking text messages hidden in the bathroom or talking on the phone on the back deck.. It's sneaky and stressful. 

End it now and focus on your wife. If you can't do that I suggest a divorce. She deserves better than that as your wife and mother of your children. Be the man she deserves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

KimatraAKM said:


> *You need to tell the wife because you feel something for this person.* You need her to be watching you closely do you don't run back.
> 
> I know it's flattering to have someone else telling you how awesome you are, but in the end it's just the fantasy that's fun. It's not nice or fun to be taking text messages hidden in the bathroom or talking on the phone on the back deck.. It's sneaky and stressful.
> 
> ...


No, he needs to tell his wife because 1. he was cheating on her. 2. He may have exposed her to diseases this OW may have. 3. It's the right thing to do so SHE can decide how to proceeed. 

What HE wants and what HE needs have no bearing on this. SHE needs to know what he has done to her and their marriage.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sounds to me that guilt is just another checkbox on your list of indulgences. Get out of your guilt (and whatever damage you've done to your own life) and get into the real damage you have caused for other people. After that, you can indulge in your feelings of guilt, with whatever is left to console you.

What you're feeling doesn't sound like real guilt. It sounds like confusion over your bid for attentions gone bad...and now using the situation to want more consolation and attention.


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## Surfer Boy (May 27, 2013)

After another sleepless night and reading all the responses,
I opened up to my wife and told her everything.
She told me she had no idea and felt badly that she didn't even notice anything wrong.
I told her I was the screw up, I would have none of that.
We are going to go to counseling to attempt to fix what I screwed up.
After some tears and a little yelling, I believe we can make it.
I threw away all memories of the other and while it may be difficult, I am erasing her also.
I thought I was smarter than this.
Nothing worse than an old fool.
Thanks to all for telling me what I needed to hear.
I think I can finally breathe again.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I suggest you invite your wife here. 

I also suggest that once she is here, you both head over to the reconciliation thread if it looks like that's going to happen for you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

KimatraAKM said:


> You need to tell the wife


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Holy crap, did I really just read that?

OP, good for you for doing what is right here. Many people aren't able to stand up and take their lumps like you have. And I really hope you can find a good counselor and repair things with your wife, if she's willing. Inviting her here is actually a good idea, you know - there is a LOT of great advice for BS's here on healing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Surfer Boy said:


> After another sleepless night and reading all the responses,
> I opened up to my wife and told her everything.
> She told me she had no idea and felt badly that she didn't even notice anything wrong.
> I told her I was the screw up, I would have none of that.
> ...


You aren't old. But you were a fool.

Glad you told your wife. Be there for her. Get tested for STDs even though you might think you don't need to.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Good call on breaking the news. Yes, I am sure the other woman made you feel lots of things you haven't felt for a while...especially since you missed that connection with your wife. On the other hand, the other woman, is playing at survival...and women of that background will play every card, every emotion to get what they are after...financial security. If a woman has to engage what she did to make money (no matter how hard life is for her) then it seems to me that she would be capable of more things to get ahead...and even if that means earning the trust of a lonely, desperate man, making him feel special, then reveal some personal things to lower his guard and take full advantage of his wallet. So glad you told your wife...as that helps dissipate the blackmail factor...and one can only hope that she will respect your boundaries. But, yes, you definitely need to seal that door forever, do not look back in curiosity, or it will be the end of you.


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## Surfer Boy (May 27, 2013)

Thank you all, especially Former Self.
In the back of my mind, though I felt my ego was being massaged, I always thought that she was in survival mode as you say.
I opened up in an AA meeting this morning, and a former escort told me that when you use your body as a means for money you have reached a depth no one should, that you have lost your soul.
We are being checked for STDs and my wife told me I could not be trusted for a long time, if ever, and I told her I know I have to earn any trust. But she wants to try because we had what looked like the perfect life.
As well as counseling, she wants to get back to date night and other personal time. 
This has been a day that has been coming, that I dreaded, but feel so much better.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You feel better, but you do realize that you just started a life of living hell for your wife, right? This doesn't just get 'put behind you.'

You had to tell her & I give you credit for doing the right thing - finally - but you have just begun to deal with the fallout.

Your wife may not be able to live with your betrayal. You need to stay on here and take advice on the roller coaster that you are now set to experience.

You've really hurt her. This is about how she feels, not you.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Surfer Boy ... I would recommend couseling for both of you as you move forward this is going to be one of the hardest things you two ever go through...especially your wife. She will have to go through all the stages healing from betrayal...similar to grief. Depression/saddness...anger/resentment/denial....numbness/acceptance.....she will cycle through them and cylcle through them again and again...until she heals. You will have to patiently and remorsefully wait for her to cycle through them until she heals.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Good start but you have a long way to go.

Thank your lucky stars that she is even willing to consider you at this time.

Work hard at keeping her.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

Surfer Boy said:


> I felt my ego was being massaged... :scratchhead::scratchhead:
> 
> I always thought that she was in survival mode. She wants to try because we had what looked like the perfect life. As well as counseling, she wants to get back to date night and other personal time.
> This has been a day that has been coming, that I dreaded, but feel so much better.


You might feel better, but wait until you feel remorse and gilt for causing your wife to deal with this issue. Have you determined the main reason you felt you could not be honest with her, or yourself?
I know therapist, and AA want you to keep talking. Talking and communication helps... **BUT** You need to identify what is in your past that allows you to step over that boundary in marriage that you know should not have been crossed in the first place. 

If you do not learn from your history, then you will be doomed to repeat it. Good Luck.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

..


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## Surfer Boy (May 27, 2013)

dsGrazzl3D said:


> You might feel better, but wait until you feel remorse and gilt for causing your wife to deal with this issue. Have you determined the main reason you felt you could not be honest with her, or yourself?
> I know therapist, and AA want you to keep talking. Talking and communication helps... **BUT** You need to identify what is in your past that allows you to step over that boundary in marriage that you know should not have been crossed in the first place.
> 
> If you do not learn from your history, then you will be doomed to repeat it. Good Luck.


Oh just because I feel better doesn't mean I don't have remorse, regret and guilt.
I only feel better because it is out in the open and we can have dialog.
I never thought I would go over that boundary, but thinking back, when I was using drugs, in a way I was cheating on my wife with drugs.
Instead of acting out, I should have made the effort to tell my wife I was unhappy with the way our relationship was going, but instead I took an ugly step that hurt people.
I understand it will be awhile if/when I get my wife's trust back.
But I am willing to do what it takes if she will have me.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Something that you have to put front and center is the acknowledgment that your wife will now believe that you have proven that you don't find her desirable. You said her self-esteem was low & then you go and have not just a physical affair with a prostitute that is '30 and gorgeous,' but you become so emotionally attached that you are sick from withdrawal from her.

If you do, in fact, love and desire your W, you have your work cut out for you proving this to her.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Just keep reminding yourself of this REALITY when you feel yourself lingering too much on euphoric recall of your time with other woman...because part of us is grounded (our logical side) yet we also have that hunger, loss, survival...that takes over and sends us back in seeking release. STAY IN REALITY.

And be 100% honest with your wife...with your counselor...with your support group. Stay in this...no matter how much you feel like your mind is burning...or how badly you want to run away. Ditch the pride...the part of you that wants to make excuses, or snaps back at people when they confront you on behaviors...just let that go...and listen to truth.

Your wife made a choice. You need to honor her by being 100% accountable to what she asks. DO NOT get butt hurt when she asks out of the blue to check your e-mails or shows anger at you...or seems to struggle with trust. Dr. Phil says that people who have had affairs just need to accept and deal with the effects upon their spouses. So if your wife starts it up with you...just know that this is a consequence and it won't last forever as long as you do everything to restore the trust. DEAL WITH IT. I suggest that you communicate to your wife everyday a detailed plan of what you are up to each day. Do not stray from the path...unless you notify her of a last minute change. This may help her be less worried of relapse. DO NOT in your state of being sorry cling to your wife, crowding her or being overly helpful unless she requests...it will just seem like fakery...like an abuser bringing in flowers the next day, but not changing. Changing is not about making your wife feel better...it is about YOU CHANGING in action, not words or cheap gestures. AND MAKE NO effort to get physically intimate with her unless she asks. Buy 5 Love Languages book...identify with your wife her way of receiving love...and identify your own...start to initiate when appropriate. Stick with your AA group...use that recovery model with sex addiction (yes DEAL WITH THAT too)...or get an SA manual. Good book: Erotic Intelligence...helps people getting out of sex addiction back into regular, loving, sexual relationship with their spouse. 
Good luck, sir.
Later, down the road, after proving yourself in recovery and being complicit in therapy and step groups...it is appropriate to begin having conversations to your spouse about connecting physically...that even though you really harmed her and yourself by your actions...you now have done everything to get to the root of the problem and that you really want to start sharing with her sexually. Hopefully as you are going through all this, your wife is doing her part to address not only her hurts, but maybe relational issues on her part. At this stage, don't be pushy...or for God's sake, don't act needy or you'll never have sex...just start shining in the areas that you know have changed within you. If your wife doesn't start developing an attraction and refuses to reconnect, the problem is now hers. BUT FOR NOW, own your problems, work on your stuff, deal with your pride, stay in REALITY, be honest to yourself and others (NO MORE DENIAL).


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## Surfer Boy (May 27, 2013)

Former Self, great advice.
In my recovery from drug addiction, yes one of the main things is not to romanticize the fun times of drink and drug or you will long for those days, and the same applies here.
I also understand that being overly affectionate or acting out of the norm is not a good thing, it just exacerbates the situation.
I know I am going to get called out, get hammered over a poor and hurtful choice. I am a big boy, I knew what would happen when I came clean.
Right now my wife has been pretty calm, it is sinking in, and I know sooner or later all the emotions and rage and questions of "why" will come out, and honesty is the only way.
I may pay the ultimate price, but it is much better than what was going on.
I could not sleep knowing the day of reckoning was coming.
I can only pray and deal with the consequences.
I have hurt a person I truly love and thought I never would hurt. 
I know it will eat at her and she will question everything.
That's the price I pay.
Thank you again for the treats sound advice.


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## Surfer Boy (May 27, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Something that you have to put front and center is the acknowledgment that your wife will now believe that you have proven that you don't find her desirable. You said her self-esteem was low & then you go and have not just a physical affair with a prostitute that is '30 and gorgeous,' but you become so emotionally attached that you are sick from withdrawal from her.
> 
> If you do, in fact, love and desire your W, you have your work cut out for you proving this to her.


What you said cuts deep and is true.
It is what hurts now, realizing that I, instead of reassuring her, made a selfish choice.
And the fact I became emotionally attached with a prostitute who specializes in doing this with all clients makes me sick.
It sickens me to actually think it was love. It was lust pure and simple. And I was a weak weak man to think it could be anything else.
And yes my work is cut out for me with no assurances.


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