# I made mistakes...



## mistakesmade (Oct 5, 2012)

This has been by far the longest few months of my life. It started out with me telling my husband I wanted a divorce. It came from no where as far as he was concerned but it had been something that had been building for a VERY long time. We were so destructive with one another... emotional and sometimes even physical abuse. He blames himself for a majority of our issues... which in so many ways, he was, but so was I... just not to the same extent. I finally got the courage to tell him. Our relationship was not good for us or our children. We hated not only eachother but ourselves whether we knew it or not. 
A few weeks into our seperation, I let a friendship cross into the more than friends zone. I'm not really sure when it happened, but it did. We were both going through the same things in our marriages and were looking for something to make us happy. This started an Emotional Affiar. Things ended before anything more could happen. We both realized that it was wrong and if it continued to progress, we might get to the point of no return. I had this "high" that I got from talking to him. I knew it would never go anywhere (like us actually being together) but it was a good distraction from my situation with my husband. 
During this time, even though I was on a little "high" because of my friend, I still was having a hard time with what I wanted to do with my relationship with my husband. He was a mess and in a lot of ways, I was keeping him in limbo. It wasn't fair to him that I didn't know what to do. I was so scared of what would happen if we got back together. I could see changes in him and he kept promising me that he had changed for himself and not for me. I was stubborn and didnt want to give in. In the back of my mind, I knew that if I didnt give him another chance, that it may be the biggest mistake I could make. It was a nagging feeling. I asked him home. (By this time, it had been a couple weeks since my "friend" (not sure what I am supposed to call him) and I decided to have no more contact with eachother other than what was necessary for work.)

Things were beginning to become great again. We were actually able to communicate with out fighting and I was honestly starting to fall back in love with him again. One night, he found out about my affair with my friend. Since then, I have told him everything, agreed to no contact (which is easy since my friend and I had already agreed that we would not contact one another) and most of all, no privacy. The no privacy thing is the only thing that really bothers me... but I am willing to do it because I want our marriage to work out. I understand that it will take a long time for him to completely trust me and believe me (I know he still doesn't believe what I tell him about the affair, even though I have been honest). I feel that I am supportive and open, but I don't feel that it is enough for him. I'm at a loss. I know that I made a mistake by talking to someone while we were seperated. At the time, even though nothing physical happened between my friend us, I didn't realize that what we were doing was just as bad as having a physical relationship. I would go back in time and erase those few weeks but I can't and the damage is done. 

It has been a few weeks since my husband found out and despite everything, our marriage has been great. There is just this underlying feeling that I don't think I am doing everything I can do for him. If anyone has any suggestions, I am open to it. Like I said, despite everything that has happened, this is the happiest I have been with my husband since the beginning and he tells me the same. I'm happier, the children are happier... just over all, the situation is great. I just don't know how to help him cope with everything since I am the one who he looks to for comfort when I am the one who hurt him. I made mistakes.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I think the first thing you guys will have to deal with is why you came at him with the "I want a divorce" which lead you to a separation. Yes, you had an emotional affair and THAT is going to be something you will have to deal with on a different level.

The big question is: Have you both figured out what made you want the divorce in the beginning? I mean, if that was never communicated, then you could be setting your marriage up for a false reconciliation. In other words, while he may work on getting over the emotional affair, you won't have worked on what made you separate in the beginning.

It is a paradox that we, as the betrayed (looking to reconcile), look to the wayward for comfort.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Mistakes:

It took courage to come here and disclose. You wonder why your husband doesn't believe you. Let me tell you something without trying to be disrespectful (so if you have a thin skin please stop reading now). 

There's something about your description of how you met your 'friend' and the circumstances that got you there that absolutely do not ring true with me. Why? I just don't know. 

I'm generally not jaded and I'm certainly not projecting here as I have not been betrayed (as far as i know! lol)

So if it doesn't ring true with me, a total stranger with an open mind. I can see how your husband, who took blame for issues in the marriage before you left now doubts the reasons you left and wonders what 'really happened'. You should find a way to more fully explain the relationship. How is 'really' started and really ended. As I said I (an uninterested party) do not quite believe it. 

you two definitely need serious counseling. But it will be useless unless you both go with open and truthful hearts. 

Before you recommend MC. You should sit him down and disclose the whole truth. It will be much worse if the truth dribbles out - causing a fresh scar on the marriage. The marriage can only take so much. 

One big hurt is better than 10000 paper cuts.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Maybe your husband has not said it, but in the back of his mind, the "friendship" was at least a part of your reason for the separation. He will get over that if your marriage continues to improve.

About the "no privacy" issue. No marriage will be successful when one of the spouses demands "privacy". To most, that means you have something that you want to keep hidden from your husband. You have a secret life that you want to keep secret.

My wife has ALL my passwords and access to all electronic accounts as well as my phone. I have nothing to hide. The same with her.


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## mistakesmade (Oct 5, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Mistakes:
> 
> It took courage to come here and disclose. You wonder why your husband doesn't believe you. Let me tell you something without trying to be disrespectful (so if you have a thin skin please stop reading now).
> 
> ...


A relationship was quite honestly was not something that I was looking to get into... especially with everything going sour in my marriage. At first, he really was just that... a friend. I needed someone to talk to who was unbiased. I didn't even realize what was happening until I figured out that I had feeling for the guy. I often wonder how I couldnt see what was going on when I was the one living it out. That line was crossed somewhere and I didnt even know it was happening... or I did and I just didn't want to believe it. 

Since my husband found out, I have disclosed everything to my him and I know he is going to have issues with me and the situation as a whole. I feel like the scum of the earth to have hurt someone as badly as I have. I completely agree about us needing some serious counceling. I am more than willing and we have gone a couple of times already. I feel as though I don't deserve the second chance that he has given me... so that is why I am willing to do what I have to do.


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## mistakesmade (Oct 5, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> I think the first thing you guys will have to deal with is why you came at him with the "I want a divorce" which lead you to a separation. Yes, you had an emotional affair and THAT is going to be something you will have to deal with on a different level.
> 
> The big question is: Have you both figured out what made you want the divorce in the beginning? I mean, if that was never communicated, then you could be setting your marriage up for a false reconciliation. In other words, while he may work on getting over the emotional affair, you won't have worked on what made you separate in the beginning.
> 
> It is a paradox that we, as the betrayed (looking to reconcile), look to the wayward for comfort.


I believe we have both figured out what made me want the divorce to begin with. I let him know for years that I was unhappy but he didn't take heed. He says that going back, he can now see all the signs but at the time, never thought I would act upon it. It took me wanting to leave for him to realize what was happening and had been happening for a long time. We are actively pursuing marriage councelling and it is def hard. Probably one of the hardest things to have to sit through but if it makes us stronger in the end, then I am for it. Wish we would have done it years ago.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Expanding on what others have said...

Why did you want that divorce, has that issue REALLY been dealt with?

Why do YOU want to work it out now, I mean what's so different with you two now?

Your husband has changed, does this feel genuine? does it seem like a permanent change? You mentioned physical abuse, this is a VERY serious issue, has he REALLY changed?

Yes, you had an EA but it's going to take BOTH of you to work this mess out and to have a successful R. MC is highly recommended.

About the EA, how did he find out, did you confess?

It honestly sounds like you are doing everything you can, being open, honest, and transparent. Make sure there is no TT (trickle truth) on your part, have you told him everything about the EA? Keep talking, keep those lines of communications open and R is definitely possible for you two.

He will also turn to you for comfort, a paradox as Dig said. And hopefully, you can turn to him for comfort too.


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## mistakesmade (Oct 5, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Maybe your husband has not said it, but in the back of his mind, the "friendship" was at least a part of your reason for the separation. He will get over that if your marriage continues to improve.
> 
> About the "no privacy" issue. No marriage will be successful when one of the spouses demands "privacy". To most, that means you have something that you want to keep hidden from your husband. You have a secret life that you want to keep secret.
> 
> My wife has ALL my passwords and access to all electronic accounts as well as my phone. I have nothing to hide. The same with her.


I suppose my no privacy thing isn't the way I made it seem. I don't care if he has my passwords and such. I meant time to myself... alone. We are together constantly, which I love, but I also miss my alone time (which I consider private time). Whenever I try to go do something by myself, he gets upset and hurt because I don't want to do it with him.


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## mistakesmade (Oct 5, 2012)

betrayed1 said:


> Expanding on what others have said...
> 
> Why did you want that divorce, has that issue REALLY been dealt with?
> 
> ...


You have given me some good questions to think about. I'll have to get back to you on those first ones. 

As far as the EA, he found out when he was going through some email of mine. I wasn't going to tell him because how do you tell someone who you are trying to R with something like that? I wish I would have been upfront when I asked him back but I didn't know how to. It is a relief to have it off my chest though.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is it possible that, subconsciously, a tiny part of your brain wanted an affair? That this tiny part of your brain engineered the situation so you could separate from your husband , have an affair and it not be cheating? However, the rest of your brain put a stop to it before it go anywhere?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Without dismissing the dysfunction of you marriage, sre you being really honest with yourself at that friendship not being the catalyst for asking the separation?
Do you think you let the thar friend meet some of your emotional needs before the divorce speech?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

mistakesmade said:


> I suppose my no privacy thing isn't the way I made it seem. I don't care if he has my passwords and such. I meant time to myself... alone. We are together constantly, which I love, *but I also miss my alone time (which I consider private time). Whenever I try to go do something by myself, he gets upset and hurt because I don't want to do it with him.*


It's probably useful in a healthy marriage for this to occur on a semi-regular basis for both of you. Provided it doesn't involve bar scenes. 

A girl's nite out is something you should (in MC) request - assuring it's with other committed to marriage women for movies, shopping, restaurant dining, theatre, etc. It's useful for him too (same venues)


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

mistakesmade said:


> You have given me some good questions to think about. I'll have to get back to you on those first ones.
> 
> As far as the EA, he found out when he was going through some email of mine. I wasn't going to tell him because how do you tell someone who you are trying to R with something like that? I wish I would have been upfront when I asked him back but I didn't know how to. It is a relief to have it off my chest though.



Did he find 'platonic-romantic messages' or were they more serious or at least borderline (inappropriate suggestions, inside jokes, seemingly belittling your spouse comments, pics). 
Also, how close of a friend was this that suddenly disappeared but not disappeared *since you still see him at work*... isn't this an issue?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

your doing fine quit beating yourself up over this!

good luck with the rest of your marriage live happy ever after!


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

mistakesmade said:


> The no privacy thing is the only thing that really bothers me... but I am willing to do it because I want our marriage to work out.


No privacy? He won't let you go pee by yourself?!

If that isn't it, please give an example of something you feel should be kept private from him. Something you would not ever want him to hear, see or read. On the flip side, what kind of things do you think he should keep private from you?

What can you do for him? Be okay with the "privacy" thing. Around here it is called transparency. I think it is a good thing in every marriage.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

HeyMM,

I just wanted to say I give you credit for telling the truth after your husband confronted you.

At least you came clean and did not drag anything out with the lies.

Good move on your part. You owned up to it.

I hope things work out for you and your H. Work on those issues together.

And as for the alone time, he will trust you in time.

Everyone needs some time to themselves.

HM64


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