# Visitation with kids and creating a Q&A update



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I had scheduled a video chat session so my EX and I can tell the kids very clearly and without question, what their visitation and living arrangements are. And this was being done with the kids' counselor present to help "keep the peace".
When I arrived, the counselor told me she changed her mind for two reasons:
1. There was no rehearsal. The possibility for tension and disagreement was risky in front of the kids.
2. And after meeting with our son (6yrs old) just prior, she was worried he might be too sensitive to any tension.

So my EX, the counselor and I spoke for 40 minutes. I suggested we come up with a sort of Q&A script. I create one and she creates one. Then we share and hash out the differences. Course, in my opinion, it's not very complicated that what is told to the kids comes straight from the decree, which is what I plan to write down. But we do need to be on the same page BEFORE talking to our kids.
The counselor alos asked what seems to be the current roadblock between us. My EX said communication. I said it was Trust. I don't trust her (for so many reasons) ad she doesn't trust me because ...I don't trust her. Go figure.
Anyways, my EX is coming down for Spring Break to stay with her dad to see the kids. All of us see the counselor around March 15. So I need to have my Q&A set and ready to go then.
Now, for the Q&A, I don't have much down so far. I have 2:
Why can't we live with mommy? (Because mommy and daddy already agreed in the divorce decree papers). 
Why can't you live in mommy's state(Minn)? (Because I'm happy in Houston with my job and all of our family is here, etc, etc.)
*Am I missing any possible questions they may ask?*

Anything else they ask such as "Why mommy moved away or why can't mommy move back down to live near us" is tough because those are answers she will need to answer. (And so far, she has told them "mommy has a job here, I can't leave my job" which is all BS because she lived there for 6 months with no job initially). Plus, she's telling them my job is more important than you! Ugh, sorry. Just pisses me off.
But I don't want to avoid their questions to me about their mom. I always take the high road, but at the same time don't want to be dishonest (like their mom has been with them) and I end up in the doghouse like mommy will when the kids get older and figure much of this out. *How do I answer questions as to why mommy moved away without being dishonest, keeping it appropriate for a 10 & 6 yr old,?*


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need to communicate that there are a lot of questions your kids might have for their mom, and you need to work out answers for them that you both can live with. That's part of the "hashing out" process. Both of your answers and responses should be honest and acceptable to both parents.

So don't just think of questions that the kids might ask you. Think of this as you and your wife sitting in front of your kids, and you're fielding debate questions for BOTH of you. You're living with the kids full time, and you'll know what questions are going through their minds more than your ex does.

C


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

I don't know but whatever you decide each others official answers will be to the children, you will have to both have unity in your show of respect for each other. The important thing is the children and maintaining their love for both parents. What does it really matter that a white lie to a small child can help protect their tender hearts from being hurt? It may feel like one lie too many, but there are bigger considerations here and the grievances you have and hard "truth" you want to air is not for smaller ears but other adults who can shoulder the frustrations and who are not, obviously, as connected and vulnerable. Furthermore you will be required by law to show respect for your ex and not do or say anything to undermine their feelings toward their mother. In the end, children will be able to figure out, all on their own, what's going down without any help. They are perceptive that way.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'd simply tell them the truth as I always have.

I don't see the problem with telling your kids the truth.


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

Kids, depending on their ages and sensitivities are not always ready for the full truth. That is part of being a parent. To determine readiness.

If there is a sense either parent is getting thrown under the bus by the other, no matter how seemingly deserving it may be, a kid will defend that parent so there's no use in it. That parent is still a parent to that child. They will figure things out and it is heartbreaking I'm sure to watch them be disappointed that one parent lives so far away, eventually, they will decide all on their own about the removed parent's choices.

We were required to meet with a social worker as part of our divorce and she had very definite ideas about what to say and what not to say to a child.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi HD. Not sure I really understand the format of the "Q&A". Are you setting up the questions and answers yourself? Are you each doing this? Together or separately? Is it your kids that are going to come up with the questions? Are you providing your ex's answers or do you collude and answer together?

I think the obvious would be for your kids to come up with a list of questions on their own and with the counsellor (who can help them identify the important issues to them), then you only have to worry about the answers and deliberating over them with your ex, as well as possibly provide a statement for them, and also the chance for them to come up with a statement too (not in the form of a question).

Hopefully your counselor is good with kids that age and can be a bit of a delegate for them during this session.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

A conference call with small children is a bit too much for them. And had their been any differences in the answer, it could have been very unpleasant for them.

I like Lon's idea. Ask them some questions they'd like to ask you and Mommy and say you and Mommy should talk about what is OK to share/tell them. Not that you want to keep secrets from them but you don't want to leave anything out (that's the white lie just to tell the kids so you can get their questions in advance.)

The script is a good idea. We tried counseling with my ex but he just became verbally abusive and accusatory toward me and didn't resolve any of our parenting issues. When he went alone it wasn't productive (that's all she could tell me) to the point she said future visits were really unnecessary.

You can tell them that Mommy wasn't sure what she was going to do yet. That the job was good but she wasn't sure it was the right thing to take them away from everything they knew. It's not awful for a mother to leave childrearing to the father if, in the name of supreme sacrifice, she is considering the well-being of the children. I think you two can come up with many truthful, age-appropriate answers.


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