# Husband is not interested in sexual intimacy



## WhiteWolf314 (Jul 7, 2017)

I am 26, my husband is 31, and we have been together 7 years (married 2yrs). He is generally not interested in sexual intimacy and it breaks my heart. He is a loyal, hardworking, good man and we love each other very much, but I'm having a hard time coping with repeatedly being rejected and feeling unwanted. We had had many conversations on the topic, some good some bad. He says and shows that he loves me, says how beautiful and sexy he thinks I am, but is just not as interested in sex as I am. I will admit I probably want it more than average. 2-4 times a week would be more my speed, but in reality it's more like once every 2 weeks or a month.. sometimes longer. At this point I have given up trying to entice him, making it even less frequent. 9 times out of 10 it is flat out rejection and alot of the time he laughs about it. I know he means well and is just trying to lighten the mood, but it doesn't hurt any less. We don't have kids and neither of us were virgins before we met. The things I love about him always outweighed the sex issue, but I am realizing how mentally draining being sexually frustrated is. We aren't perfect, I don't always have time to cook a decent dinner and some weeks I work too much or forget to make him lunch. His job is physically demanding but I wish he would help more around the house and want to get out of the house more often. I do more than my fair share to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, and the house running plus working 40-60 hours a week. I feel like a live in maid. In addition to the heartbreak of rejection, he masturbates and looks at porn more often than we have sex. I wouldn't say it's excessive, maybe 1-2 times a week average. I try to be reasonable and take his feelings into consideration but it just kills me inside. Some days I want to scream "Hello! Your wife is right here and more than willing!" His final input in our conversations is generally "i am just not as interested as you are" or "I'm confused and don't understand why it is such a big deal." No matter how I try to get him to imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, he just doesn't get it. I don't know what else the problem could be other than it's just his personality or low T. However that's a whole other beast as trying to talk about it he thinks I question his "manhood". I've tried to broach the subject in the most caring and sensitive ways possible, but he won't even consider going to a doctor never mind joining me to do marriage counseling.. I'm at a loss.. I don't want it to ruin our marriage but also don't want to think about feeling this way for the rest of my life.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is a big problem and a miserable situation to be in. There are a number of threads here on this topic so you might scan to get lots of people's thoughts on this. 

My immediate reaction is that while porn is OK if it doesn't interfere with someone's sex life, watching porn while turning down your partner is not OK.


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## WhiteWolf314 (Jul 7, 2017)

Uhtred,
Thank you for the consideration, I've never told a soul about the problem and truly appreciate your input. Agreed, honestly the occasional porn use wouldn't bother me if I wasn't being rejected, which has been communicated to him countless times. 

I've been reading through threads similar to mine and will continue to do so. Hopefully finding some inspiration along the way. Thank you


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a link to a thread about the topic of men who do not want sex, or not much sex, with their wife. Read at least the first couple of pages as there is information about resources on this topic that can help you. Just know that you are not alone in this. 

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html*



WhiteWolf314 said:


> I am 26, my husband is 31, and we have been together 7 years (married 2yrs). He is generally not interested in sexual intimacy and it breaks my heart. He is a loyal, hardworking, good man and we love each other very much, but I'm having a hard time coping with repeatedly being rejected and feeling unwanted. We had had many conversations on the topic, some good some bad. He says and shows that he loves me, says how beautiful and sexy he thinks I am, but is just not as interested in sex as I am. I will admit I probably want it more than average. 2-4 times a week would be more my speed, but in reality it's more like once every 2 weeks or a month.. sometimes longer. At this point I have given up trying to entice him, making it even less frequent. 9 times out of 10 it is flat out rejection and alot of the time he laughs about it.


2 to 4 times a week is normal for sex. At your age that might even be considered a bit low. 

A sexless marriage is one in which the couple has sex 10 or fewer times year. How close are you to a sexless marriage?



WhiteWolf314 said:


> I know he means well and is just trying to lighten the mood, but it doesn't hurt any less.


Um, rejecting you sexually and laughing about it is not what a person does when they mean well. It’s a passive aggressive way to hurt you. Look how well it works too. He is putting you down by constantly rejecting you sexually and laughing at you when he does it. And here you are making excuses for his behavior.

Over 70% of the time, when a person does not want sex with their spouse like this, it is because they harbor resentment towards their spouse. And they know that their spouse highly values sex. So it’s a great passive aggressive way to punish their spouse.



WhiteWolf314 said:


> We don't have kids and neither of us were virgins before we met. The things I love about him always outweighed the sex issue, but I am realizing how mentally draining being sexually frustrated is. We aren't perfect, I don't always have time to cook a decent dinner and some weeks I work too much or forget to make him lunch. His job is physically demanding but I wish he would help more around the house and want to get out of the house more often. I do more than my fair share to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, and the house running plus working 40-60 hours a week. I feel like a live in maid.


This sure sounds familiar. There are ways that you can lighten the load on yourself, and increase what he does. The approach that you stop doing things that he can do himself. He is a grown man. 

•	There is no reason that you should be making him lunch. Why are you making him lunch? Does he make you lunch? Stop making him lunch. He’s a big boy. He can make his own lunch.

• Do you do his laundry? Stop doing his laundry. Just get a hamper or basket for his laundry. Only do your own laundry. When he runs out of things to ware he will most likely complain. Just tell him that he will have to do his own laundry because you are too exhausted. He will learn.

• There is no reason that you should have to cook every night. He’s a big boy. He should be cooking half the time. So at least half the time, just cook for yourself. If he complains, tell him that you are too tired to cook. If he would like to cook tonight for both of you, that would be wonderful.

• When you go to the store, do not buy things for him. He can go to the store for his things.​
Does he pay his fair share of the bill.. like at least 50% of them? Or does he keep most of his money to himself?



WhiteWolf314 said:


> In addition to the heartbreak of rejection, he masturbates and looks at porn more often than we have sex. I wouldn't say it's excessive, maybe 1-2 times a week average. I try to be reasonable and take his feelings into consideration but it just kills me inside. Some days I want to scream "Hello! Your wife is right here and more than willing!" His final input in our conversations is generally "i am just not as interested as you are" or "I'm confused and don't understand why it is such a big deal."


So your husband has a porn addiction. You think that he only masturbates to porn once or twice a week. Are you with him, in the same room, to see what he is doing 24/7? I doubt it. So you have no idea how often he masturbates to porn. Here is a link to a webpage that talks about pron addiction and what is going on.

*Your Brain on Porn*

The good thing about porn addiction is that there is a cure for it. I believe that the above link talks about that. There are sex therapists who know techniques to get guys off their porn addiction.


WhiteWolf314 said:


> No matter how I try to get him to imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, he just doesn't get it.


Your husband lacks the ability to empathize. That’s why he does not help you with things around the house. As long as he is happy, he does not care if you exhaust yourself working 40-60 hours a week and then be his maid the rest of the time you are not at work. He could care less if you are exhausted. He could care less if your needs for non-sexual intimacy are met. And he clearly could care less if your sexual needs are met. He’s happy, so what’s your problem? That’s his attitude.



WhiteWolf314 said:


> I don't know what else the problem could be other than it's just his personality or low T. However that's a whole other beast as trying to talk about it he thinks I question his "manhood". I've tried to broach the subject in the most caring and sensitive ways possible, but he won't even consider going to a doctor never mind joining me to do marriage counseling.. I'm at a loss.. I don't want it to ruin our marriage but also don't want to think about feeling this way for the rest of my life.


You should be questioning his manhood. He’s not acting much like a man at all. 

I doubt that he has low-T since he is masturbating to porn. There is actually an epidemic right now you men who have become addicted to jacking off to porn. It’s actually the cause of a lot of divorces these days.

*http://nymag.com/nymetro/nightlife/sex/columns/mating/12044/*


“In a 2004 testimony before the United States Senate, Dr. Jill Manning shared some interesting data regarding pornography and relationships. In her research she found that 56 percent of divorce cases involved one party having an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.1 Another source, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, polled 350 divorce attorneys in 2003 where two thirds of them reported that the Internet played a significant role in the divorces, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half such cases.”​
*https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...n-really-destroying-500000-marriages-annually*

I’ll post this so you can start reading it. I have more to say so I’ll start my next post to you now.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

This was my marriage in the beginning too.. I would be so hurt that he wasn't coming to bed to be with me.. It was the porn here and there. But I thought being newly married that's what you did is go to bed naked at about 9 or 10.. Just wanted to feel him next to me. It really hurt... I didn't do anything about it except move onto the next chapter which is KIDS... Here I am 20 years later and no sex life..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cc48kel said:


> This was my marriage in the beginning too.. I would be so hurt that he wasn't coming to bed to be with me.. It was the porn here and there. But I thought being newly married that's what you did is go to bed naked at about 9 or 10.. Just wanted to feel him next to me. It really hurt... I didn't do anything about it except move onto the next chapter which is KIDS... Here I am 20 years later and no sex life..


You know now how common this is, right?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WhiteWolf314 said:


> I've tried to broach the subject in the most caring and sensitive ways possible, but he won't even consider going to a doctor never mind joining me to do marriage counseling.. I'm at a loss.. I don't want it to ruin our marriage but also don't want to think about feeling this way for the rest of my life.


There is a term that comes to mind here “Walk Away Wife Syndrome”. It refers to a wife who tells her husband over and over and over that there is a problem. And he ignores her. He’s happy, so he pays no attention to her complaining. After all we know that women are just nags… so he things she is really happy but just nagging a bit. 

*Walk Away Wife Syndrome*

I was married to a guy with whom I had a very good sex life for about the first 5 years of our marriage. Sex was daily… and I mean really really good sex. Then he got caught up on with porn. And one day I realized that he no longer initiated. He had no interest is sex. It turned out that he developed a porn addition. Like your husband he would not talk about it, would not get his T levels checked. He lied about his porn usage. I was only able to figure it out using a keylogger on his computer and some other spy stuff. When we finally divorced, I was 7 years later... 7 years of no sex at all.

I just want you to know that I experienced this. A lot of the women posting on the ‘Sex Starved Wife” thread have as well. So, what I am telling you here is what I have learned.

There are things that you can do to get your husband to understand what you are going through.

One way would be to take away his porn. Let him see what it feels like to lose the thing he desires sexually. 

First off you need to realize that you contribute to this. For example, the main reason that you end up doing everything is because you do everything. He knows that he does not have to do anything because he knows that you will do it all. You taught him to treat you this way. You are going to have to decide how you want to be treated and then teach him how you want to be threated. 

I gave you some ideas of what to do with things around the house. Just stop doing anything that he can do for himself. And really, he can do everything for himself. What do you think he will do if you were to leave him? He would have to do it all, by himself. So just stop doing things for him. And do not have a long talk with him about it. Just stop doing his laundry, his lunches, and anything else. If he complains, just have a brief pat answer and use the same answer ever time “I just did not have time to do it. So, you can do it for yourself.” And walk away, no discussion. If he wants to argue about it, don’t. 

Now the sex thing. You have taught him that it’s ok to mistreat you about sex. So now you need to teach him that it’s not ok. Since he will not go to counseling, or to the doctor, etc., you have one choice of how to handle this if you want a sex life in the future. Sometimes, to fix your marriage you have to be willing to lose it.

What I mean is that your husband will not do anything to change until he is shaken to the core by the fear that he is really losing you. People seldom change until they hit rock bottom. Right now you husband had no reason to change. He’s happy. No matter how much you complain, he thinks that since he is happy, you are happy.

Here is what I suggest.

Read the material linked to on this thread and the Sex Starved Wife thread. Also read the books “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs” (See links to these two books in my signature block below). Through all of this you should learn a lot about what has to be done to get the sex life back in your marriage at a level that works for you. Then you can formulate a plan. 

For example, a plan: 

•	your husband needs to go with you to a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. And he has to stop using porn. Since the porn is interfering with a healthy sex life in your marriage, he has to stop using porn 100% and can probably never use it again as he is susceptible to going back to using it. (Note that men who do this usually say that they experience a revival of their sexual desire for their wives and are much happier overall.)

• He needs to read the books “*Love Busters*” and “*His Needs, Her Needs*” (see links in my signature block below) with you and do the work with you to restructure your marriage into an equal partnership that meets both of your needs. This will help you to address the issues such as him not taking respopnslibty for about 50% of the household chores. Note that I do not use the work ‘help’. It is not him ‘helping’ you. If he ‘helps’ you, that means that all household chores are your responsibility and he is doing you a favor if he ‘helps’. He’s grown up, the household is as much is RESPONSIBILITY as it is yours.​

Sit him down and tell him that you are thinking of ending your marriage due to his lack of interest in sex with you, his porn addition and his refusal to be an equal partner (e.g. house work). That if he wants to stay married, then there are changes that have to happen. He has to agree to counseling with a marriage counselor who is a sex therapist. He has to give up porn 100%; and he had to read the books “*Love Busters*” and “*His Needs, Her Needs*” with you and work on fixing your marriage.

If he refuses to do these things, give him 24 hours to think about it. If he still refuses, hand him divorce papers. He might call your bluff so you would need to be ready for that. The divorce papers could just be ones you download from the internet and put some personal info on.

I know that sounds harsh. But you have got to get his attention.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

See if you can see what kind of porn he is watching. Like, if there are any women involved...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Herschel said:


> See if you can see what kind of porn he is watching. Like, if there are any women involved...


Are you suggesting that it's most likely that if a man does not want sex with is wife, he's gay?

Just asking :wink2:


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Are you suggesting that it's most likely that if a man does not want sex with is wife, he's gay?
> 
> Just asking :wink2:


I think that there is a strong correlation between a healthy marrried person that is still young (sub 50) with their sex drive and their desire to be sexually active with their spouse.

Clearly there are many aspects that can adjust, health and/or emotional and psychological issues. Assuming that he loves his wife and there is a level of attractiveness there, he would want to lay the wood. I have loved first hand with a gay wife and I know how it feels to be on that side of it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Herschel said:


> I think that there is a strong correlation between a healthy marrried person that is still young (sub 50) with their sex drive and their desire to be sexually active with their spouse.
> 
> Clearly there are many aspects that can adjust, health and/or emotional and psychological issues. Assuming that he loves his wife and there is a level of attractiveness there, he would want to lay the wood. I have loved first hand with a gay wife and I know how it feels to be on that side of it.


Sexual orientation could be a factor. But oddly enough, in the things that men say are the reasons for them not wanting sex with their wife, <1% said that they were gay.

%% WHY MEN SAID THEY STOPPED REASON

68%……She isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me. 

(This lack of newness, energy, and emotion translates for many men into a lack of adventure and sexual enjoyment on the part of their partners, transferring the problem and ignoring the fact that they [the men] are not bringing any originality to bed, either.)​
61%……She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex. 
48%……I am interested in sex with others, but not with my wife.
44%……I am angry at her. 
41%……I’m bored. 
40%……She is depressed. 
38%……She has gained a significant amount of weight.
34%……I am depressed.
32%……I no longer find her physically attractive.
30%……I suffer from erectile dysfunction.
28%……I lost interest and I don’t know why.
25%……I prefer to masturbate, but not online.
25%……I prefer to watch pornography online and masturbate.
21%……I am on medication that lowered my libido.
20%……I am/was having an affair.
16%……I suffer from premature ejaculation.
15%……I have difficulty achieving orgasm.
14%……I am too tired.
09%……She is/was having an affair.
06%……I don’t have the time.
03%……I wasn’t interested in sex to begin with. 
<1%……I am gay.


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## WhiteWolf314 (Jul 7, 2017)

I have been reading that thread and looking into some of those books. To be honest 2-4/wk was an understatement because this is embarrassing. I feel odd saying it but basically I'm DTF 99% of the time. Please excuse the terminology there, lol. I wouldn't say it's a sexless marriage by that definition, more than 10 times a year. Between 20-40? Idk I stopped counting because it made me feel more crappy.

You are absolutely right. There is no excuse for the laughing. My H is sarcastic and makes a joke out of EVERYTHING. I have a love hate relationship about his sense of humor (and timing!) to say the least. It can have me almost peeing my pants and the next day make me want to smack him. 

Oh I have absolutely done all of those things out of spite - let the laundry pile up, refrigerator go empty, went on a cooking strike - nothing changed if anything it got worse. I decided being passive aggressive was not working and likely not going to work.

He doesn't withhold any money. I handle all the money. He hates mail, hates bills, hates money- wants nothing to do with it. He never looks at the bank account. Just asks me what we can and can't afford. We are both happy with that arrangement. Of course more $ would make life easier, but no other financial concerns- at least on my end. 

Do I know 100% that he only masturbates 1-2/wk? No Absolutely not. I will say that he always does it with his underwear on and I do the laundry. Plus I work from home full time, he doesn't often have the house to himself. Small house kinda hard to not notice him locked up somewhere. Sometimes he even tells me that is what he is going to do. He's not addicted, but regardless it's not healthy considering our current state and it makes me crazy.

I am going to keep trying to talk to him. From reading your posts and the forums it seems the only way we can fix it is getting everything out in the open and getting to the root of the problem.. most importantly finding the real reason why. I am going to propose he consider this thought "what if the only time you could masturbate was with my explicit approval, then consider if 9 of 10 times I said no. Now add in the Factor of this happening year after year" I'm going to ask him to seriously consider how that would make him feel. Hurt? Angry? Resentful? I can imagine it would probably be comparable to what I have been going through. It's worth a try at least. I will just keep trying to work on it for now. If that doesn't get me anywhere then he needs to decide what's more important - our marriage or not going to counseling.

I had no idea how common this was. I thought I was an anomaly, one in a million, sex crazed weirdo until I stared reading more about it. My heart goes out to the women (and men) out there struggling with loving someone who is not on the same sexual plane. The pain is real. Glad these forums are out there to support them.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm sorry you are here with this issue.

And sadly yes, it is quite common.

Personally I believe that people have a baseline libido or sex drive that is pretty steady, especially once in a long term relationship. Some people just aren't very sexual.

From reading hundreds of similar stories and from personally knowing several people who just aren't very sexual, I wanted to point out that they always say some version of what your husband has already told you...

Sex just isn't that important to me.

When a person consistently says this and their actions back it up, they usually just aren't very sexual, and they typically do not change.

To me, that was the thing in your post that stood out to me.

Him getting off to porn is a real jack ass move when he knows you want more sex.

But I don't believe he would necessarily want more sex if he never jerked off to porn, either. People who aren't very sexual may be into solo orgasms but not sex itself. They are not the same thing. Jacking off takes very little energy and it requires zero intimacy with another person. 

Just be prepared to understand and be forced to accept that your husband may never change and may always only want partnered sex once or twice a month.

Ask yourself if that were the case, would you be prepared to accept that kind of sex life for the rest of your life or not.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This is a big issue, you need to deal with it. First off, check his porn use. Just because you don't think he is using a lot of porn doesn't mean he isn't. I suspect it's a lot more then you think. Sadly I think some guys who grow up looking a porn train their minds to get off on 2 dimensional images, sex becomes looking at a computer screen. Next you may have to force it but better to do it now then 4 years from now. Life is short. He needs to see a doctor. Finally DON'T HAVE KIDS until you fix this. Generally sex decreases when as you age and get busy. You guys should be in your prime right now. It needs to be fixed, life is too short.


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## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

Others have given great input already. Let me say as the HD, DTF spouse in my marriage that I can identify with you. Don't give up--check out the one extraordinary marriage podcast-they have episodes on this. 

Side note-******* move of him to jerk at all instead of make love to you if you're available and desire him. I am guessing his porn issue is WAY more than he is letting on. I feel so sorry for you. Keep trying and don't have babies unless things change drastically.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WhiteWolf314 said:


> I have been reading that thread and looking into some of those books. To be honest 2-4/wk was an understatement because this is embarrassing. I feel odd saying it but basically I'm DTF 99% of the time. Please excuse the terminology there, lol.


Why would you be embarrassed to state your level of sex drive? You have a good, normal sex drive. Me? I’ve always wanted sex daily. That’s normal. Here is a poll asking women here on TAM what their sex drive is like. You might want to look at it….

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/236514-women-whats-your-sex-drive-like.html


WhiteWolf314 said:


> I wouldn't say it's a sexless marriage by that definition, more than 10 times a year. Between 20-40? Idk I stopped counting because it made me feel more crappy.


Ok, so at least it’s not sexless. But if he is choosing to masturbate at least 1-2 times a week, he should be having sex with your instead of his hand while watching porn.



WhiteWolf314 said:


> You are absolutely right. There is no excuse for the laughing. My H is sarcastic and makes a joke out of EVERYTHING. I have a love hate relationship about his sense of humor (and timing!) to say the least. It can have me almost peeing my pants and the next day make me want to smack him.


You need to get it across to him that this laughing at you is not cool at all.


WhiteWolf314 said:


> Oh I have absolutely done all of those things out of spite - let the laundry pile up, refrigerator go empty, went on a cooking strike - nothing changed if anything it got worse. I decided being passive aggressive was not working and likely not going to work.


Not doing HIS laundry is NOT passive aggressive. Why do you think that it is passive aggressive to not do his laundry? You seriously need to think about why you think it’s your job to do his laundry. Could you explain why you think that it’s your job to do his laundry?



WhiteWolf314 said:


> He doesn't withhold any money. I handle all the money. He hates mail, hates bills, hates money- wants nothing to do with it. He never looks at the bank account. Just asks me what we can and can't afford. We are both happy with that arrangement. Of course more $ would make life easier, but no other financial concerns- at least on my end.


ok



WhiteWolf314 said:


> Do I know 100% that he only masturbates 1-2/wk? No Absolutely not. I will say that he always does it with his underwear on and I do the laundry. Plus I work from home full time, he doesn't often have the house to himself. Small house kinda hard to not notice him locked up somewhere. Sometimes he even tells me that is what he is going to do. He's not addicted, but regardless it's not healthy considering our current state and it makes me crazy.


He might not do all of his masticating at home. He might do it in the shower or when he’s locked in the bathroom. 
You think that he is not addicted to the porn? Try telling him that you want him to stop using porn and stop masturbating so that your sex life will get better. See how he reacts.



WhiteWolf314 said:


> I am going to keep trying to talk to him. From reading your posts and the forums it seems the only way we can fix it is getting everything out in the open and getting to the root of the problem.. most importantly finding the real reason why. I am going to propose he consider this thought "what if the only time you could masturbate was with my explicit approval, then consider if 9 of 10 times I said no. Now add in the Factor of this happening year after year" I'm going to ask him to seriously consider how that would make him feel. Hurt? Angry? Resentful? I can imagine it would probably be comparable to what I have been going through. It's worth a try at least. I will just keep trying to work on it for now. If that doesn't get me anywhere then he needs to decide what's more important - our marriage or not going to counseling.


It will be interesting to see if he gets it with that. 


WhiteWolf314 said:


> I had no idea how common this was. I thought I was an anomaly, one in a million, sex crazed weirdo until I stared reading more about it. My heart goes out to the women (and men) out there struggling with loving someone who is not on the same sexual plane. The pain is real. Glad these forums are out there to support them.


Yes, the pain is real. And it ends a LOT of marriages.

And keep in mind that just because it's fairly common, it does not make it ok. It's not OK for one spouse to withhold sex, especially not when they are using an alternative sexual outlet.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Whitewolf Sorry that ur in this position. There seems to be a lot going on. Is it possible that he's gay or bisexual? Is the porn something he thinks u wouldn't be interested in? Could he think that his wife should be a good girl and not interested in "dirty" sex? The part that worries me is that he doesn't seem to mind and laughs. There is more to sex than intercourse. He could do a lot to help, support and comfort you. How does he feel when you masturbate without him? Have u tried masturbating in front of him? Does he have fantasies? Even if he is lowT there are things you can do if you want to stay in ur marriage. Good Luck
Blaine


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## WhiteWolf314 (Jul 7, 2017)

Blaine, 
I actually did at one point seriously think he was gay. After a lot of snooping I came across his bookmarked websites. All women. Not to say that there couldn't be stuff hidden else where, but he's not gay.. and not good at hiding his porn... sometimes I wish he was gay.. at least then I would have an answer. I know that's wrong in a lot of ways and I mean no offense by it. The grass is always greener kind of thing.
Not sure how you mean the dirty sex thing, we have toys and outfits, have definitely experimented with his favorite fantasies but it's been awhile. If there is an issue with the lack of it or presence of it I honestly don't know, but worth asking. He doesn't care if I masturbate without him, he actually encourages it. Nor does he pay much attention if I do it with him in the room, occasionally he will roll over, watch, and go to sleep after. His main fantasy that has never been fulfilled is a threesome with another woman. I try to play along and pretend to get him in the mood, but it's such a turn off for me it's hard to pretend otherwise. I told him once years ago that we could have a threesome with a woman if we also had another one with a man. It was a bluff but it worked neither of us want to share. Ironic lol. Other than occasional dirty talk he never brought it up in a serious conversation again. Sorry for all the detail... feels good to say it to people who actually understand me. 

Ele, 
I don't think it's my job to do his laundry by any means. It's just one of the things I do around the house to show I care. I guess what I mean by passive aggressive is that I am intentionally going out of my way to pick his clothes out of the pile instead of just grabbing an arms full and throwing it in the wash. I would be going out of my way to be spiteful. I can be very spiteful when I'm hurt and angry so I've been working on not doing that anymore. Maybe I've got the wrong definition in my head, but for me passive aggressive is going out of my way or taking extra steps to be spiteful, cause inconvenience, or hurt to someone else.

I have talked to him in the past on multiple occasions to stop with the porn BS. I was obsessed to a fault. Snooping his phone, iPad, Facebook. Finding evidence that he didn't stop then crying for hours. I intend to bring it up again, among other things. 

Faithful wife had an interesting point as well. And that could be true too. He could just be a less than average sexual person who feels finds it easier and safer to enjoy himself alone. He had bad sexual experiences before me, which could come in into play.. I generally thought of it as just another excuse i had heard it all by the time he said that. 

The only one who knows or has the potential to know is him. It's becoming clearer to me that I just need to try and peel back the layers to clearly identify the problem(s). Probably a combination on issues.

Definitely no babies unless this gets resolved!!!


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Wolf
What I meant by "dirty" sex is some men when their wives become mothers they have trouble seeing them as sexual beings If this was ur husbands problem (and it sounds like it's not) I would indicate some deep problems being u dont have kids. I would have to say it sounds like the only answers are deep inside of him. And it sounds like he's not coming clean anytime soon.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

There is a way of life called NoFap, for men with porn addiction. 

There are a lot of resources for partners as well. 

The program seeks to retrain the brain to kick the pornography habit. Many wives find intimacy again with their partners if he can be vigilant and complete the re-training. 

Not trying to advertise /spam, but here's the site:

https://www.nofap.com

There's also a large NoFap community on reddit


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

@WhiteWolf314

Thanks for sharing your story. Be aware that many people on this forum have high levels of desire and are struggling to cope with a partner that does not show much interest in sexual intimacy. While I can offer some advice, keep in mind it comes from a guy with a higher level of desire than you describe your husband and may be counter productive. But anyway here is my two cents:

You mentioned that he may look at porn twice a week while at the same time denying you intimacy. THIS is a serious problem, but perhaps it could be approached delicately. Some men will force themselves to masturbate because they want to achieve the mind numbing aftereffects that an orgasm produces. Porn can be used to help induce an orgasm. The end result for men is kind of like taking a valium. So if you have reason to believe your husband is struggling with a great deal of stress, he may be turning to porn and masturbation as a way to calm himself and regulate his mood. 

Meanwhile sexual intimacy with a spouse usually requires one to be vulnerable and patient in order for the pleasure to be enjoyable. These are things that do not mix well with stress. 

If the two of you have been arguing over sex, then it is also possible that marital sex itself has become a source of stress for him. Jokes and laughter regarding this topic would likely be his defense mechanism. 

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

As awkward as this sounds, try to set an example for him that sexual behavior should be "shared" in your marriage. If he is looking at porn and masturbating, perhaps you could ask him just to watch you masturbate (which would kind of be like him watching porn, but he would now be with you instead of a computer/phone). If you can demonstrate this and enjoy yourself in front of him, without insisting that he do anything else other than observe, odds are it will help create a spark of sexual arousal for him. Then his urge to masturbate could then be transformed into a desire to be with you sexually. If you have already had an orgasm, this will allow him to be selfish and have sex with you solely for his own pleasure (something to think about if this dynamic has not occurred for you two), which in turn should also be very pleasurable for you (if you can enjoy multiple orgasms). 

He could also have performance anxiety in the event you put a great deal of focus on trying to make HIM orgasm. This may result in him only accepting your offers for sex when he knows he will reach climax easily. If this is the case, let him be completely free to enjoy intimacy however he wants. You may even want to be playful and try to have sex in which orgasms are purposely avoided. This is a great exercise to help refocus sexual intimacy on a strong emotional connection as opposed to goal driven sex for an orgasm which tends to be measured and compared (not very easy emotionally if there have been frequent struggles).

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

You were correct in stating your behavior was passive aggressive and you also noted that it was destructive behavior for YOU. Passive aggressive behavior never has the desired effect but rather causes resentment and sometimes not even noticed. 

The point the other poster was making about stopping doing his laundry was that you are working the same hours so why should you be doing his chores as well. He is able-bodied. Tell him you are worn out with work and the double duties on house work and expect him to pick up the slack because you won't/can't do it anymore. 

It sounds like your husband never grew up. You take care of him like his mommy did. Tell him to stop playing with himself and start playing with you. You are a woman who needs and deserves a partner who will love you at least half as much!! as he loves himself.

If there are problems in his past that he cannot move past then he needs outside counsel and therapy. You can't do that but you can stop being his mommy.

Have a serious conversation with him. Do not tell him that you are not his mommy because I expect he will react like a rebellious teenager. Tell him that you are worn out with his behavior...use specific examples. Spell it out. Don't assume that he will know what you mean. 

And then give him a deadline. Six months is a long time when you have to put up with bad behavior but it is long enough to see if he has changed permanently and it is long enough for him to have room to work on himself if he is serious. Be prepared to walk away at the end of your deadline. Do not make "walking away" the emphasis of your discussion but rather the expected change in behavior. Be matter of fact. "Because of these behaviors (list them) and I have asked before with no improvement I don't see how we can continue in this marriage without these changes (list them)."

Give him specific goals that you want to see changed. Ditch the porn at a minimum. It is training his brain to respond to pixels when he has a willing, available, and live partner. Insist that he go to counseling because it sounds like he won't be able to change these deep ingrained habits without outside help. 

As far as low T is concerned: His behavior could be consistent with that condition. However, I'm not sure that I would be willing to place blame there for his behavior yet. Low T does affect libido (mental) first. The extra stimuli from porn he is getting might be making up for the lack of mental stimulation that he receives from a live person. It could be years of low libido before he notices a problem with his physical equipment. If he suspects there might be something wrong he should have his dr check it out. However, I don't think he would be able to tell what is happening in his brain unless he stopped using porn.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Sexual orientation could be a factor. But oddly enough, in the things that men say are the reasons for them not wanting sex with their wife, <1% said that they were gay.
> 
> %% WHY MEN SAID THEY STOPPED REASON
> 
> ...


You KNOW......................

You know too much.........

A shrewd person you BE..
.........................................................................................................................................

Stay away from the Red Queen. When the final battle between us happens, I want you clear...safe. Not a victim of collateral damage...fall-out.

Oh, the carnage. And I shall be rendered to steak. And you will lose a friend. Oh yes,one [of many] who see your worth.

I see through your Avatar....straight to the bone. I see the foundation of Womenhood. The stuff that binds humanity [to and onto] a path of continuance....your' valuable role in the replication of a viable species.

By Trial and Tribulation [add sorrow and pain] you have arrived at this state.....state of mind.

Let your Mind and Wisdom continue [to grow]... I beseech you...do so.

Do so as a women, not as a [gender neutral] intellectual. Keep the oven warm and moist for your man. Those energies lift your spirits, their fecundity inspiring others.

A gender neutral, cool female Oracle has her power reduced by half. Do not let age dampen your sexual passion.....your lust for life...a more viable one...to share.

Thank you, Dear....no exclamation mark...that would be inappropriate, Eh?

"The Man for all Seasons".....at first blush, seems THAT.....inappropriate. :smile2:

SCM


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Be careful Ulysses, you are showing your heart...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

WhiteWolf314 said:


> I am 26, my husband is 31, and we have been together 7 years (married 2yrs). He is generally not interested in sexual intimacy and it breaks my heart. He is a loyal, hardworking, good man and we love each other very much, but I'm having a hard time coping with repeatedly being rejected and feeling unwanted. We had had many conversations on the topic, some good some bad. He says and shows that he loves me, says how beautiful and sexy he thinks I am, but is just not as interested in sex as I am. I will admit I probably want it more than average. 2-4 times a week would be more my speed, but in reality it's more like once every 2 weeks or a month.. sometimes longer. At this point I have given up trying to entice him, making it even less frequent. *9 times out of 10 it is flat out rejection and alot of the time he laughs about it*. I know he means well and is just trying to lighten the mood, but it doesn't hurt any less. We don't have kids and neither of us were virgins before we met. The things I love about him always outweighed the sex issue, but I am realizing how mentally draining being sexually frustrated is. We aren't perfect, I don't always have time to cook a decent dinner and *some weeks I work too much or forget to make him lunch*. His job is physically demanding but I wish he would help more around the house and want to get out of the house more often. I do more than my fair share to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, and the house running plus working 40-60 hours a week. I feel like a live in maid. In addition to the heartbreak of rejection, *he masturbates and looks at porn more often than we have sex. I wouldn't say it's excessive, maybe 1-2 times a week average*. I try to be reasonable and take his feelings into consideration but it just kills me inside. Some days I want to scream "Hello! Your wife is right here and more than willing!" His final input in our conversations is generally "i am just not as interested as you are" or "I'm confused and don't understand why it is such a big deal." No matter how I try to get him to imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, he just doesn't get it. I don't know what else the problem could be other than it's just his personality or low T. However that's a whole other beast as trying to talk about it he thinks I question his "manhood". I've tried to broach the subject in the most caring and sensitive ways possible, but *he won't even consider going to a doctor never mind joining me to do marriage counseling*.. I'm at a loss.. I don't want it to ruin our marriage but also don't want to think about feeling this way for the rest of my life.


Before reading any of the other replies, I have to commend you on pointing out a lot of good points about your husband. There were a couple red flags that came up for me in your post:

Laughing about this issue isn't lightening the mood; it's degrading to you when he does this. The relationship that spouses share is different than other relationships because there's sex involved. That's what brings you guys closer, or it should, anyways. A friend once gave me some stellar advice. She said: if there's nothing happening inside the bedroom, there probably won't be anything happening outside of it either. Laughing is not the way to handle this.

You make his lunch? By the sound of your post, you also do much of the housework, plus working 40-60 hr workweeks. Is he incapable of putting a lunch together for himself?

About his masturbation, 1-2 times a week is a lot when sex only happens a fraction of that time. Do you know what kind of porn he's looking at? Unfortunately, my first thought was that maybe he's gay or bi, which would explain his lack of interest in having sex with you, and preferring to masturbate. It could just be lack of interest too though. I know this was the case with me. My husband was a virgin when we first started dating, and marriage seemed to put a damper on his want/need to have sex, plus, he really didn't know what he was doing, and was kind of unteachable, so I turned to masturbation, and burned out 3 vibrators in about 3 years.

I think that what I would do if I were you is sit down and have a serious talk with him. Like my husband, maybe yours just isn't getting it. Tell him what you need, and see if you guys can come to a compromise. Marriage counselling needs to be put on the table, and if he flat out refuses, even if you say that it's something you really want to do, then at least you'll know where you stand with him. If he's not willing to accept help with the issue, then you have to decide if it's something you guys can fix together.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Your husband lacks the ability to empathize. That’s why he does not help you with things around the house. As long as he is happy, he does not care if you exhaust yourself working 40-60 hours a week and then be his maid the rest of the time you are not at work. He could care less if you are exhausted. He could care less if your needs for non-sexual intimacy are met. And he clearly could care less if your sexual needs are met. He’s happy, so what’s your problem? That’s his attitude.


Holy crap, did this hit home; thanks for saying that, @EleGirl!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WhiteWolf314 said:


> Ele,
> 
> I don't think it's my job to do his laundry by any means. It's just one of the things I do around the house to show I care. I guess what I mean by passive aggressive is that I am intentionally going out of my way to pick his clothes out of the pile instead of just grabbing an arms full and throwing it in the wash. I would be going out of my way to be spiteful. I can be very spiteful when I'm hurt and angry so I've been working on not doing that anymore. Maybe I've got the wrong definition in my head, but for me passive aggressive is going out of my way or taking extra steps to be spiteful, cause inconvenience, or hurt to someone else.


It is not passive aggressive to not do his laundry. Just set up a basket somewhere for his clothing. I can see why he treats you like a maid. All he has to do is to hold out and you will do even his personal things, like his laundry. He has no need at all to grow up and take responsibility. He has you, his mommy, who picks up after him, does his laundry and treats him like a small child. 

You have assumed the mother role in his life. Men often stop having sex with their wife when their wife assumes the role of their mother. They usually love having a woman around who does everything for them. But they also lose all sexual attraction for her.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

WhiteWolf314 said:


> Faithful wife had an interesting point as well. And that could be true too. He could just be a less than average sexual person who feels finds it easier and safer to enjoy himself alone. He had bad sexual experiences before me, which could come in into play.. I generally thought of it as just another excuse i had heard it all by the time he said that.


This is really the long and short of it. FW has the matter correct. I'll go a step farther and say that of the relatively few success stories we've had around here, I'm not aware of a single instance where the low-drive husband changed his ways. Whether that be due to hormones, pride, or whatever--men don't really seem to change for the better in this regard.



WhiteWolf314 said:


> The only one who knows or has the potential to know is him. It's becoming clearer to me that I just need to try and peel back the layers to clearly identify the problem(s). Probably a combination on issues.


As FW stated--there really may not be an underlying issue to get at--this very well just could be his baseline drive. Especially if it was that way during your dating period.



WhiteWolf314 said:


> Definitely no babies unless this gets resolved!!!


Good plan. I really wish you well, but don't pin your hopes on being able to turn this around. If kids are important to you--I really encourage you to start thinking about an exit before it's too late.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I have a few more minutes to respond now. Being sexually rejected by your partner is really crushing - as many of us here are aware. Its fairly common (which doesn't make it less bad) and either men or women can be the ones doing the rejecting. I suspect women are less willing to discuss it because there is this (incorrect) idea out there that men always want sex. 

I honestly believe you can't have a happy marriage without a good sex life. 

People's drives vary a lot. Some are happy with once a month or so, or even never. Others want it daily - or more. You may hear that 2-3 times / week is typical, but that hides the huge variation. There are couples who really enjoy sex daily. There is nothing at all with wanting frequent sex. 

A couple of questions: 

Any medical / health / drug / mediation for either of you? Some medications, especially anti-depressants can completely kill someone's sex drive. Are you both a reasonable healthy weight?

Any sources of stress in your lives: money, elderly parents, deaths in the family, jobs etc?

What was your sex life like when you were dating? if it was frequent, did it decline suddenly, or gradually over time?

It sounds like you are happy to do all sorts of things for him in bed. Are there things he wants (even unreasonable ones) that you don't do? You mentioned he likes the idea of a 3-some - but is that just an idle fantasy for him, or something he seriously wants? Anything else he wants?

When you do have sex, does he make an effort to do what you like and to please you in bed, or is he a lazy lover?



Some comments:
This almost certainly is in no way your fault. Being rejected can be very disheartening, but its very rarely the fault of the person who is being turned down.

There are some people who have a natural very low interest in sex (I'm married to one). It seems to be an innate part of their personality and almost impossible to change. They don't have much personal interest in sex, don't see why other people care about it. Don't see the point when they can get an O by masturbating. That might not be the case here, but if it is, there may be not solution. 

I've spent 30 years in a marriage with a very large mismatch in sex drives. I've tried everything I can think of and its been a life-long source of frustration. I would not recommend this to anyone else. If you are young and you have such a mismatch and can't fix it, I honestly think both of you would be happier apart.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@EleGirl

Bravo! This response is everything and better than what I wanted to post and I particularly love the bolded bits!




EleGirl said:


> Here is a link to a thread about the topic of men who do not want sex, or not much sex, with their wife. Read at least the first couple of pages as there is information about resources on this topic that can help you. Just know that you are not alone in this.
> 
> *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html*
> 
> ...



OP, 
I just wanted to add that a passive aggressive man can be incredibly subtle in their manipulation to make you feel like your needs are outrageous and that you ask too much, need too much, etc. 

Don't be fooled. What you need is completely reasonable. How your husband responds is completely diabolical, even though he may not even be aware of just how diabolical he is in undermining you.

I've been married for 31 years to a passive aggressive man and for the majority of those years I was convinced that if I could just not be needy, and focus on being loving to him, all would be well. HA!

Listen to Elegirl, she knows this path you're unfortunately on. I hope you find the courage to get off quickly! And I mean that both ways. :x


Edited to add:
OP, you can easily stop doing his laundry by learning to launder correctly! Read the fabric care labels and separate clothing appropriately. Once your laundry is completed you'd be too annoyed by further laundering so he is on his own.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Hold's 2 rules for sexual mismatch:
1. Do not marry someone while you have a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do not have kids with someone while you have a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to the kids.

You have already violated rule #1. Do not violate rule #2, it is much more painful and expensive to fix and you can't completely eliminate the ongoing entanglement.

Sexual mismatch is more than enough justification to divorce. The pain from being denied sex is enormous. Escaping that pain is more than enough reason to justify divorcing the withholding spouse. If you cannot resolve the mismatch within the next 3 - 6 months then it is unlikely you ever will and you are both better off divorced. There are plenty of women who don't need or enjoy sex. Free him to marry one of them. Free yourself to marry a man who wants to please you sexually. You will both be happier. If you have kids before the sexual mismatch is resolved, you will regret it. You will love the kids but hate that they tie you to their father.

And as others have said, years of experience on this and other forums is that the odds of fixing things with a LD man are miniscule unless there is an identifiable and treatable medical reason for his LD. For a healthy man to be LD in the first place, despite the urging of testosterone, means that his psychological opposition to sex is so strong and so deep seated that it is incredibly difficult to overcome.

Not intending this post to be depressing, although it might feel that way from your perspective. Trying to give you a sense of urgency. Most likely this will not go away or get better with time. The early years of marriage are typically when libido is highest (at least until the empty nest period). If he isn't horny now, he isn't going to be horny when you have kids and more bills and a bigger mortgage and more stress. So if you can't resolve it quickly, your best bet is to get out and start over with someone who is thrilled to have sex with you whenever he can. Trust me, you will thank us later for this advice. 

Not saying divorce is quick or free or painless. But I can assure you that decades of a sexless marriage is the worst sort of torture and worth doing almost anything to avoid. Good luck. I hope you resolve this soon one way or the other.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WhiteWolf314,

When you go shopping, do you buy razors, shaving cream and other personal hygiene items for him? 

You said that when you stop buying things for him, you say that he just does not care. Does that mean if you stop picking up his personal hygiene items, he will just stop shaving, brushing his teeth, taking showers, washing his hair?


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

What is the predominate type of female that is the subject of the pornography? Are they prominently of teen appearance, possibly looking younger than is legal?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

twoofus said:


> What is the predominate type of female that is the subject of the pornography? Are they prominently of teen appearance, possibly looking younger than is legal?


My baseline position is that it is inexcusable for any man to use porn as a substitute for a willing wife. 

But understanding is never a bad thing and @twoofus asks what may be a relevant question--is there some kind of fetish involved here (ie young women, large women, ethnic women, etc). 

I would add what may or may not be even more to the point--rather than there being a predominant female type in the porn he watches, is there a predominant type of act being performed and, if so, is it an act OP is not willing to engage in. Is he watching BJs because wife doesn't like giving oral? Maybe he's fantasizing about anal, bdsm, or some other act absent form his bedroom. 

Again, questions above are only offered in an attempt to understand the origin and evolution of this situation; nothing is implied as a justification, or even mitigation. The marriage, including sexual intimacy required to please and satisfy the partner, always comes first. Any failure to do so must be addressed head on, as soon as possible, and there must be consequences for failure to meet minimum standards here, regardless of motivation.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

@WhiteWolf314

There are some things being discussed in this thread regarding that you should stop taking care of your husband's needs because he is a big boy and should be able to take care if himself by a moderator @EleGirl. I wanted to give you a another point of view of that.

When my wife and I had our first child, she took care of everything in the house while I left to goto work. I completely took everything she did for granted and was often a little frustrated that she did not do more for us. Then by the time we had our second child we both worked at home and I agreed to split things with her 50/50 regarding how we took care of our home and the kids. It was hard work, and it served to help me appreciate my wife for everything that she does and become much more grateful. To this date we both share responsibilities in the house 50/50 and are very aware and appreciative of how "teamwork" really serves to make our marriage much stronger and enjoyable. 

Now it can tend to be passive aggressive if you just stop doing things for your husband without explaining to him what is happening. This would cause his dirty cloths to pile up and he might perhaps feel as though you are punishing him for which he will likely unleash a passive aggressive rage against you that is exponentially worse. That could be a process that the two of you might have to work through before coming to a more positive place. But you may be able to help avoid that if you sit down with you husband and explain there needs to be more "teamwork" in your marriage so that the two of you can become stronger as a couple. If he does not agree to do his fair share, then just let those things pile up on him. At least he will understand why they are piling up is due to the fact that he is being lazy and neglecting your marriage! If he needs help, make it a point for him to acknowledge he needs help as a way to acknowledge the benefits of teamwork. This will also open discussions for other areas of the marriage the need a little better teamwork and less selfishness/laziness. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

I only suggested the possibility of paedophilic pornography and I emphasis only a possibility of such a thing because while a person can come to terms with their spouse being adulterous or of a different sexual orientation, they are less inclined to report anything paedophilic for to the shame of being associated with such a person.


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## Fred.J (Jul 7, 2017)

Hi Whitewolf, 
I'm a recent lurker but felt compelled to weigh in. Like your hubby, I was once a regular porn user. I saw my first playboy mag at a friend's house at age 13 and loved it. Then in college saw my first hard core porn.... loved it! Luckily, I never had regular access until later, or the damage may have been worse. Being a shy awkward guy porn, and masturbation became a regular outlet. My sexual experiences before my wife were mostly when I was drunk or tipsy, the only way I overcame my shyness and pursued girls. That said, porn dramatically impacted my sexuality and will sadly always be part of who I am. It has been a "crutch" for a big part of my life. It led me to some fetishes which somewhat remain although "cooled down" quite a bit.

About 15 years ago, religious beliefs (Catholic) got me to realize and believe this was wrong (long story). It took many appearances in the confessional, lots of content filters that I installed (threw passwords away), then uninstalled, etc.. and facing my priests at church, and basically just recommitting over and over to weed porn and masturbation out of my life. Unbeknownst to my wife, porn helped me always have the upper hand. I didn't need her and sometimes didn't want her as I had a thousand beautiful women or more I could access via porn. I was very happy with my secret porn.

After giving it up for good and now years later I see the damage porn did to my marriage, life, and manhood really. First, my wife became less desirable as mentioned. Second, actual sex was optional. Third, my wife's emotional needs could easily be ignored. Finally, I think I literally masturbated my "manly edginess" away. I can't explain this exactly other than to say I think it is normal and natural for men to carry around some pent up sexual frustration.... it is good for us... it encourages exercise, aggressiveness, and extreme desire of our wives. Believe it or not I think it even leads us to take better care of our wives and woo them, so they are available.

I hope you can get some treatment for your hubby. All men will think they aren't addicted... until they try to give it up! Best wishes and sorry to rant.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

There have been articles about this. What is happening is that more and more men are living their sexual lives online via porn and sex forums. Online the girls are all hot and do anything they are told to do. Men are very visual as verified many times by scientist. They get turned on by what they see unlike women who tend to get aroused emotionally. That is why porn is directed towards men and not usually women. Men masturbate to porn and after awhile they get aroused by what they see and expect their wives to act like that. Then the normal stuff becomes boring after watching it for many hours so they seek more extreme sex and watch that. When that becomes boring they seek even more extreme stuff. Today the biggest fetish husbands have by far is wanting to watch their wives have sex with another man, preferably a black man with a very large penis. They watch it online, and masturbate to it so much that it becomes the only way they can orgasm. A kink is something you want to do like a threesome. A fetish is something you have to do like being sexually dominated. Fetishes do not go away and must be fed or you become unhappy and dissatisfied with regular sex.

Men want sex primarily for the orgasms. Women want sex for intimacy and emotionally. I is far easier for your husband to turn the computer on, pull out his penis and masturbate to orgasm watching some willing porn actress doing all sorts of stuff for which she is paid to do. That is it. 5 minutes or less and all done. No need to take a shower, shave, change clothes, perform foreplay on a woman, try to control yourself until she has her orgasm or have an orgasm and then spend the next 15 minutes trying to make her orgasm while you are no longer sexually aroused having ejaculated already. Same goes for single men. Rather than prepare to go out and get rejected by women most times, not even knowing if they will have sex with you anyway, it is far easier to pick you women and sex act online and wank to it all night long where you are the king and she is your willing sex slave. 

This is what you are dealing with. Your husband is being sexually satisfied online and therefore is not in the mood for sex with you. At your stage in marriage, sex is routined and boring. You both know each other's buttons to press so there are no surprises or excitement in discovering new turn ons. It is the same face and body in bed with you. Even hot girls start looking plain after years. I have been there myself. Men are genetically coded to be attracted to other women. The whole point is to pass on your genes to as many women as possible to ensure genetic variety that may produce better humans and to increase the odds of your genes being passed on throughout the generations. Monogamy is not a natural state for any species. It is only practiced by species that have a social structure since society imposes and teaches monogamy as the way to bring order to the world. You will only find animal species with social structures being monogamous. Google it. 

So we have men who really want sex with other women but do not want to cheat as divorce is too expensive and they have a nice home and built in maid service where they are. A recent study showed that Millennials have less sex than previous generations due to more focus on their careers and easy access to porn. I am afraid that your husband is not in the mood because he is living his sex life online where he can be with any woman he desires and be any man he wants to be.

One thing you can try that has worked for us also and is recommended by marriage counsellors is to schedule date/sex nights. Attendance is mandatory and no sex has to take place. You can lay in bed and just talk in the dark, cuddle, make out or whatever. The idea is to produce Oxytocin, the hormone released during sex and even just cuddling. Oxytocin's job is to emotionally bond a couple together. It is the same hormone that bonds you to your children. It is that powerful. We have done this three times to rekindle our sex life and it has worked great for us. The less sex you have, the less bonding and that means the less you want sex. The opposite is also true. The more Oxytocin you produce the more you bond emotionally and that means more intimacy. Sadly too many marriages end up like friends with occasional benefits. Your lives revolve and focus upon the children. Stress from work and taking care of the kids. Sex can always wait since your spouse is always there the next day. Masturbation is so much easier than all that is involved with sex with your wife. All you want is an orgasm and that is more easily obtained online.

I have found that great communication is the key to great sex. So many people are afraid to just say what is on their mind and accept being brushed off with some poor excuse for an answer. My marriage was non traditional because that is what worked for us. Did not mean we loved each other less, in fact we shared our love with others. We chose our marriage above all else, even monogamy. We each have needs that no one person can fulfill and that is why marriages often fail. We expect too much of our spouses and when they cannot provide it, we are resentful and unhappy. Read the following as it gives insight even if you choose monogamy. Many of our old friends were non monogamous and had kids and great lives. Most times it was the husband whose wife had a low libido, more so after menopause. Sometimes it was the husband but the point is that accepting the lowest common denominator makes one spouse very unhappy and can easily destroy a marriage. We looked at the failure rate of the typical monogamous marriage and did not like the odds. My wife and I both agree that had we tried to be monogamous we would have divorced a long time ago like our siblings and friends did. You do not have to be non monogamous to improve your marriage but you do have to understand the problems and choose solutions that fit you and not society.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-20649/why-my-husband-i-sometimes-have-sex-with-other-people.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201310/the-curious-couples-guide-occasional-non-monogamy


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

badsanta said:


> @WhiteWolf314
> 
> There are some things being discussed in this thread regarding that you should stop taking care of your husband's needs because he is a big boy and should be able to take care if himself by a moderator @EleGirl. I wanted to give you a another point of view of that.
> 
> ...


I guess you missed that the OP stated that she has already had these sorts of talks with him many times. And he just blows it off, over and over.

That's why I suggested that she take the approach as I did. 

so basically you are giving her the same advice that I gave.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

The porn and masterbating as to go. Your H is sexually satisfying himself. Once doing what he does the drive for sex is gone. You are left standing in the wind.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Something I found helpful was to limit internet access until we had sorted out our issues. Not forever. I was in the same position but we have really worked on our relationship to a point of being better than before we were married. There is hope.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> You KNOW......................
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 For a minute I thought you were talking about me! Was wondering what I had done to offend you :grin2:. I don't do battles. 

[The beheading of Anne Boleyn]


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Omg...I finally get it! I love all things concerning Henry VIII ever since The Tudors. I've watched the series like 4 times. 

Considering "Reign" on Netflix. Is it worth the watch?

Sorry about the t/j. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

peacem said:


> Something I found helpful was to limit internet access until we had sorted out our issues. Not forever. I was in the same position but we have really worked on our relationship to a point of being better than before we were married. There is hope.


With home broadband as well as mobile broadband, limiting/restricting internet access would be difficult unless he agrees to the honor system.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Be careful Ulysses, you are showing your heart...


Yeppir, all those years, running miles and miles....

My heart is a Thumper....

Thump...whump.her Thump....whump.her Thump...hump.her


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

peacem said:


> For a minute I thought you were talking about me! Was wondering what I had done to offend you :grin2:. I don't do battles.
> 
> [The beheading of Anne Boleyn]


No, you are everything the Red Queen is not.

You being: Loving, passionate, love intimacy, considerate, fair minded, patient...attractive, desirable.

The Red Queen's "better" qualities are that she is vindictive, egotistical......always, every time Right, Correct, Perfect.

She is the most beautiful women a man could ever run across. It is all on the surface. Like Dorian Grey, she is ugly on the inside. 
God, the women is thousands of years old. Only little King David [a leprechaun] from Ireland can muster the courage to kiss her lips, stroke her ample bosom. He is an old fool.
He is under her spell, not the other way around. Nay..

The Red Queen was once a lover of the original Ulysses. Her given name was Circes. She was a Sorceress, sometime Priestess to the Siren's. She ruled the Island of Aeaea. 

Given a potion by Hermes, Ulysses was able to resist her magic. She could not turn him into a swine as she had done to his crewmen. He was the first man to penetrate her defense. He took her to ground daily, for a year.. straight and hard. She had been a virgin. Oh, he had his way with that Sorceress. He tied her black heart in knots. She could not bear living without him.

When Ulysses left that Island she went stone bonker nuts. She wanted his nuts back in her palms....forever. She wanted him back, for him to slam her on her back and take her. No other man would, could do this. The Swine.

And she forever seeks those oval orbs. She hunts him down at each of his incarnations. She wants his sack ripped open, slashed...letting the nuts fall into her cold hands..and then take them straight to her Chrystal Display Case in her mountain castle. 

And then, at her leisure, can hold them, sniff them, kiss them, roll them in her hands, feel their power. And Ulysses can never reincarnate again....He can never leave her again. A love and lust that has lasted and cooked, white hot.....for thousands of years....

Blast you @peacem....you tricked me into loosing the trill. I am now doomed...I uttered her real name! Her given name, uttered by any man, brings certain death. The air and it's sound passing.. rising up my throat and sliding noisily over my lips will bring the Breasted, Big Nippled Monkey Birds from Hell. The Harpies have now triangulated on my position. I must flee for my life....the only safe haven is my birth place.....That I will not reveal. Goodbye, Friends and Dears!

I love you all. May God have Mercy on all our Souls. On my soul. May Zeus, a lesser god, save my Sack...
May all your SO's lay you flat and take you...pump up and out of you all your juices and rob the heat from you. Leaving you spent, a heap on the mattress. A smile on your face.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Regarding the laundry.... first I'll stipulate that my w does about 3 loads a day for the family. We've moved to having the kids take responsibility and they have - to a point which is probably age appropriate. Usually sports or music uniforms are missed or needed, or someone doesn't put their clothes in the dryer, etc. So she keeps operations going you might say. In busy homework, sports, music times (they are very busy and good at many things) she keeps things moving as well. The kids all keep their laundry in the laundry room and change there so it's easier to keep the cycle moving.

So just disclosing that noting my w does a disproportionate share too

I bought 2 hampers for our bedroom so I could wrestle some of these tasks from her but she ended up giving mine to one of the kids. I guess teaching the pups correctly outweighs teaching an old dog

I desire to help but don't in the end. Other responsibilities come up or I'm chilling after work.

But my suggestion is to migrate toward a more equitable solution over time, particularly since you don't find things like laundry a deal breaker.

Instead start to separate the laundry in the bedroom. You can still do it but it won't look punitive. After getting into the habit of separating, start to ask him to do both of yours occasionally. Not just his - it's not a his versus yours problem. Ask him to do both and if he doesn't, maybe let a mini crises arise where you don't do something else he likes to catch up on the laundry (like cook or make lunch)

I suspect he, like @badsanta, doesn't really see all the effort. You can help your situation by inviting him to help with tasks over time. 

If he continually turns you down then HE will be aware of HIS actions - you will have flipped the situation. You can then talk about marriage being about working together. You will have a real gripe and it will be on him to answer to you. This is the opposite of you pleading with him to help

Of course he may (hopefully) gladly "help" by doing what you ask and start to gain empathy over time by actually experiencing the work

This doesn't directly help with the intimacy, but it will start to put your relationship on more equal footing. That, in turn, may help when you try to address you need for help in the bedroom


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Why would you be embarrassed to state your level of sex drive? You have a good, normal sex drive. Me? I’ve always wanted sex daily. That’s normal. Here is a poll asking women here on TAM what their sex drive is like. You might want to look at it….
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/236514-women-whats-your-sex-drive-like.html



Years ago I used to visit a forum from time to time that had a non-explicit sex subforum and an explicit sex subforum. A guy posted a topic on the expicit board asking women why they didn't have sex with their husbands and if they would care of they received sexual gratification elsewhere. A woman chimed in saying "You're on the wrong forum. We all like sex in here. Post this on the non-explicit board. The women on that side might be more receptive". 

I haven't been on this board as long as you but I assume most of the women posting here actually like sex. Most of the men here probably like sex but have some problem with their significant other. I don't think your poll is representative of what is normal. It probably represents what is normal on this message board.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> It is not passive aggressive to not do his laundry. Just set up a basket somewhere for his clothing. I can see why he treats you like a maid. All he has to do is to hold out and you will do even his personal things, like his laundry. He has no need at all to grow up and take responsibility. He has you, his mommy, who picks up after him, does his laundry and treats him like a small child.
> 
> You have assumed the mother role in his life. Men often stop having sex with their wife when their wife assumes the role of their mother. They usually love having a woman around who does everything for them. But they also lose all sexual attraction for her.


I've seen this advice appear a few times in this thread. I think these are two separate issues. I'm pretty sure if they essentially start living separate lives in their home, sexual activity isn't going to increase. 

I agree he needs to do some of the work. When I was in 5th grade, my teacher asked me who ironed my shirts. This was a Catholic school with the typical uniform. I thought it was a silly question. I told her I ironed my shirts. Who irons your shirts? I figured everyone did their own laundry and starched and ironed their shirts like I did. 

Last night my wife asked why I didn't come to the door to greet her. Probably because I'm in here folding this basket of laundry. 

The OP needs to decide if she is going to continue living like this. Another thing I've seen mentioned a couple of times is that LD men will never change. From what I've seen, the gender is irrelevant. It seems to be pretty rare for LD people to make that change.

I would consider my wife to be LD. I don't consider myself to be high or low. There is no human in physical presence or porn that I would want to have sex with everyday. My prostate would be a debacle after the third day.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jus260 said:


> I've seen this advice appear a few times in this thread. I think these are two separate issues. I'm pretty sure if they essentially start living separate lives in their home, sexual activity isn't going to increase.
> 
> I agree he needs to do some of the work. When I was in 5th grade, my teacher asked me who ironed my shirts. This was a Catholic school with the typical uniform. I thought it was a silly question. I told her I ironed my shirts. Who irons your shirts? I figured everyone did their own laundry and starched and ironed their shirts like I did.
> 
> ...


The husband's lack of desire for sex with his wife is not the only issue in this marriage. He lack to taking responsibility for his own stuff is another huge issue.

I don't think that a man doing his own laundry constitutes living separate lives. Her doing all the household chores does not increase intimacy. In this case it seems to decrease intimacy, or at least not help it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jus260 said:


> Years ago I used to visit a forum from time to time that had a non-explicit sex subforum and an explicit sex subforum. A guy posted a topic on the expicit board asking women why they didn't have sex with their husbands and if they would care of they received sexual gratification elsewhere. A woman chimed in saying "You're on the wrong forum. We all like sex in here. Post this on the non-explicit board. The women on that side might be more receptive".
> 
> I haven't been on this board as long as you but I assume most of the women posting here actually like sex. Most of the men here probably like sex but have some problem with their significant other. I don't think your poll is representative of what is normal. It probably represents what is normal on this message board.


Of course that thread reflects what is normal on this board.

But it does seem to also reflect what is normal with the women I know and who I have talked about sex with. In my 68 years on this earth, that's a lot of women.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

who does more around the house argument.

if she stops doing his laundry then he stops fixing her car. she quits packing his lunch he will just buy lunch. if he makes more he will quit paying extra bills.

nope I think following the advice of quit doing things for him if poor. 

decision time. you have communicated to him that you need more sex. he could quit the porn so he has sexually energy for you But You are not important enough for him to do that. 

choice 1 accept him and realize your sex life will always be POOR!
choice 2 GTFO now. no kids divorce will be simple.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Jus260 said:


> Another thing I've seen mentioned a couple of times is that LD men will never change. From what I've seen, the gender is irrelevant. It seems to be pretty rare for LD people to make that change.


I would say there is a difference.

First, in my experience more women than men are situationally LD. That is, LD with their current partner but not with other partners. More women than men are willing to marry someone they don't find physically / sexually attractive in order to find a partner with other desirable traits. More women than men have sexual fulfillment as a lower priority need. So you more often find a female with a decent baseline sex drive willing to marry someone who doesn't turn them on.

Second, more women than men are raped and abused (although the rate of male rape and abuse is terrible too). So you have more situations where the woman's sexuality has been interfered with by trauma, and more chances that she can work through her aversion and later become sexual. It seems from the outside that where you have a specific traumatic event that triggers aversion, easier to decide later that the aversion is bad and wrong and that desiring sex is what is healthy and natural. I can't remember ever hearing a case of a male who thought sex was bad and wrong and evil who later realized it was natural and healthy.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Holdingontoit said:


> I would say there is a difference.
> 
> 
> Second, *more women than men are raped and abused *(although the rate of male rape and abuse is terrible too). So you have more situations where the woman's sexuality has been interfered with by trauma, and more chances that she can work through her aversion and later become sexual. It seems from the outside that where you have a specific traumatic event that triggers aversion, easier to decide later that the aversion is bad and wrong and that desiring sex is what is healthy and natural. * I can't remember ever hearing a case of a male who thought sex was bad and wrong and evil *who later realized it was natural and healthy.


While I think it likely that more females are abused, there is a lot of cases that have come to light where both boys and girls have been abuse by various church organisations, children's homes and other organisations focusing on children. Boys and men are less likely to report these crimes especially if the perpetrator was male because they think it "unmanly" to have been a victim.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

twoofus said:


> While I think it likely that more females are abused, there is a lot of cases that have come to light where both boys and girls have been abuse by various church organisations, children's homes and other organisations focusing on children. Boys and men are less likely to report these crimes especially if the perpetrator was male because they think it "unmanly" to have been a victim.


Yes, which also makes it even harder for the males to overcome the abuse and regain a healthy connection to their sexuality.

As I said, abuse of males is terrible and even one incident is too many. But the initial point was whether LD males are less likely to "recover" their sexuality than LD females. I think they are, and in my view your point supports rather than refutes that.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> I would say there is a difference.
> 
> First, in my experience more women than men are situationally LD. That is, LD with their current partner but not with other partners. More women than men are willing to marry someone they don't find physically / sexually attractive in order to find a partner with other desirable traits. More women than men have sexual fulfillment as a lower priority need. So you more often find a female with a decent baseline sex drive willing to marry someone who doesn't turn them on.
> 
> Second, more women than men are raped and abused (although the rate of male rape and abuse is terrible too). So you have more situations where the woman's sexuality has been interfered with by trauma, and more chances that she can work through her aversion and later become sexual. It seems from the outside that where you have a specific traumatic event that triggers aversion, easier to decide later that the aversion is bad and wrong and that desiring sex is what is healthy and natural. I can't remember ever hearing a case of a male who thought sex was bad and wrong and evil who later realized it was natural and healthy.



I can kind of agree with your point about people being situationally LD. I think what you are saying is if a woman is with the person they actually want as opposed to the person they settled for, they wouldn't be low drive. That's something I've thought about but I've never seen any research to prove or disprove that theory. 

The contradiction to that theory is some pharmaceutical companies had been experimenting with testosterone to increase the sex drive in LD women. I heard the problem was they would end up with chest hair, a mustache or maybe a beard...possibly all three. I don't have enough knowledge on the subject but someone must believe the problem is chemical. Maybe that just means they are looking for the easy way oh instead of addressing the real issue.

I know it's ridiculous but I've always wondered if women who have body hair (that we typically associate with men) have higher sex drives. I remember years ago telling a friend that I thought a girl in one of my classes was cute except she had a mustache. I completely forgot his older sister had a mustache. As bad as that was, that was only the 2nd most awkard situation I was ever in that involved those two.

To address your 2nd point, I don't know about rape statistics. Is there that much sexual trauma in society that there would be a noticeable amount of LD women in society because of it?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nothing is going to change until you are willing to shake up the marriage if it doesn't.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Holdingontoit said:


> Yes, which also makes it even harder for the males to overcome the abuse and regain a healthy connection to their sexuality.
> 
> As I said, abuse of males is terrible and even one incident is too many. But the initial point was whether LD males are less likely to "recover" their sexuality than LD females. I think they are, and in my view your point supports rather than refutes that.


Young men have high levels of testosterone that fuel their sex drives, which seems to organically allow them to compartmentalize the abuse (and how that might affect their sexuality) in one area and their drive to sexually connect with others in another area. It is uncommon that male abuse victims experience a shutdown of the sex drives because the male sex drive is intrinsically linked with being male. Not so for women because we have **** shaming and virginity requirements that predate Christ.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@Anon Pink: I think we agree. Testosterone levels cause most men to be horny enough that, even if they are abused, they retain their sex drives. Whereas women's lower testosterone and resulting lower drive makes them more likely to shut down their sexuality after abuse.

My point was, if a young man has shut down his sexuality despite the level of testosterone in his body, that level of shame and self-loathing is incredibly high and I wouldn't suggest his wife wait around to see if he can learn to overcome it.

Or to put it the other way, easier for a woman's shame to overcome her sex drive, so easier to heal her shame and help her recover her sex drive (not easy, just easier). Harder to generate enough shame to overcome a male's higher sex drive, but then harder to help him heal and regain it once he buried it that deep.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WhiteWolf314,

I'm just checking in on your. How are you doing?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chillymorn69 said:


> who does more around the house argument.
> 
> if she stops doing his laundry then he stops fixing her car. she quits packing his lunch he will just buy lunch. if he makes more he will quit paying extra bills..


If you go back and read her posts, she said that he does nothing. So no he will not stop fixing her car because he does not fix her car.

She pays all the bills. He does not.



chillymorn69 said:


> nope I think following the advice of quit doing things for him if poor.


So you think that because she is a woman, she should work full time and do 100% of everything at home? Really? Why do you think that a woman should do this? 



chillymorn69 said:


> decision time. you have communicated to him that you need more sex. he could quit the porn so he has sexually energy for you But You are not important enough for him to do that.
> 
> choice 1 accept him and realize your sex life will always be POOR!
> choice 2 GTFO now. no kids divorce will be simple.


She apparently has talked to him about the sex, over and over and he does not care. 

I agree those are her only two choices when it comes to sex in her marriage. Apparently she had not decided yet which she will follow.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@WhiteWolf314

I hope that you come back and read here. Here is a link to a thread that I think you need to read.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...ion/387514-sex-porn-addiction-infidelity.html


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## missguineafur (Jul 12, 2017)

WhiteWolf314 said:


> I am 26, my husband is 31, and we have been together 7 years (married 2yrs). He is generally not interested in sexual intimacy and it breaks my heart. He is a loyal, hardworking, good man and we love each other very much, but I'm having a hard time coping with repeatedly being rejected and feeling unwanted. We had had many conversations on the topic, some good some bad. He says and shows that he loves me, says how beautiful and sexy he thinks I am, but is just not as interested in sex as I am. I will admit I probably want it more than average. 2-4 times a week would be more my speed, but in reality it's more like once every 2 weeks or a month.. sometimes longer. At this point I have given up trying to entice him, making it even less frequent. 9 times out of 10 it is flat out rejection and alot of the time he laughs about it. I know he means well and is just trying to lighten the mood, but it doesn't hurt any less. We don't have kids and neither of us were virgins before we met. The things I love about him always outweighed the sex issue, but I am realizing how mentally draining being sexually frustrated is. We aren't perfect, I don't always have time to cook a decent dinner and some weeks I work too much or forget to make him lunch. His job is physically demanding but I wish he would help more around the house and want to get out of the house more often. I do more than my fair share to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, and the house running plus working 40-60 hours a week. I feel like a live in maid. In addition to the heartbreak of rejection, he masturbates and looks at porn more often than we have sex. I wouldn't say it's excessive, maybe 1-2 times a week average. I try to be reasonable and take his feelings into consideration but it just kills me inside. Some days I want to scream "Hello! Your wife is right here and more than willing!" His final input in our conversations is generally "i am just not as interested as you are" or "I'm confused and don't understand why it is such a big deal." No matter how I try to get him to imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, he just doesn't get it. I don't know what else the problem could be other than it's just his personality or low T. However that's a whole other beast as trying to talk about it he thinks I question his "manhood". I've tried to broach the subject in the most caring and sensitive ways possible, but he won't even consider going to a doctor never mind joining me to do marriage counseling.. I'm at a loss.. I don't want it to ruin our marriage but also don't want to think about feeling this way for the rest of my life.


Find my thread I recently posted called Sex Addict/Porn Addict and Infidelity under the Separated and Divorced Forum. Your story resonates with my own personal story. I went through exactly what you have been going through. Exactly. 

I am not going to beat around the bush here and you may not like what I have to say but I must be brutally honest. Your husband is a porn addict. He very well may even be a sex addict and you have yet to discover his infidelities. It would explain a lot of his demeanor towards you (exactly how my husband treated me) and his baffling behaviors. Please read my post. I went through exactly what you are going through in your marriage. Husband isn't interested in you sexually, rejects you sexually, looks at porn more than he looks at you, etc. etc. You just want to climb the tallest mountain and scream because he does not see you nor is he providing you with that human bond that you so desire. The husband is pretty useless around the house. You do everything, You are the maid, the cook, the rock in that relationship. He neglects you and your emotional needs and he brushes it off when you bring it up or he makes excuses. You are the only one in that marriage trying to hold it together. Red Flag signs are what you are describing. He is manipulating you - gas lighting you. You may not see it yet and you may find it shocking - almost unreal to believe what I am saying but your situation mirrors my situation that I experienced in my marriage. He is a sex addict. He is a porn addict. He needs professional help to resolve this. You both do. He must want to get help though. You cannot force him to get help and its not a good sign if he doesn't want to change. He could be in denial and refuse help. 

Read my post. All my best to you.


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## Jason Bourne (Jul 30, 2017)

Oh dear. 
How does once 1.5 years sound to you? 
Last time i had sex with my missus was 1.5 years ago. I decided to leave it up to her....never happened till recently when I initiated. 
Reading about all these guys makes me kick them.


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## WhiteWolf314 (Jul 7, 2017)

Hello Ele, 
Thanks for checking in, sorry for being MIA. We have had 4 or 5 more conversations about the lack of sex since my last post. They were good conversations and he seemed more receptive. He actually admitted to himself and me that he is addicted to porn. Said he does it "if not everyday then close to it." We talked about him not being proud of it, not feeling good afterwards, and working on breaking that habit. I was completely on board and trying to support him, asking about progress, how he's feeling, etc. It was better for a little while with more frequent sex, but it did not last long. Needless to say neither did his quitting porn. After our last conversation i have not asked again. There are other issues as well that he talked about- he mentioned us not having a lot of time apart, his mother (who not in a good $ place) living with us for the past 4 years, just being too tired after work, preferring morning sex (he wakes up much earlier than I do). So a number of issues.. some of which we can work on but others that we can't do anything about at the moment. The biggest ones are porn and his mother in my opinion. Have not had a chance to broach the subject again :/ I will absolutely read that article on porn addition, thank you for sharing


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Porn addiction is apparently hard to give up. The problem is that just like taking drugs, it gives a dopamine rush. And with the online porn, he can basically self medicate. He can never do with real life and with sex with you. So the porn wins out. Computer and video game playing can develop into a similar addiction.

It's becoming a serious problem these days.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Porn addiction is apparently hard to give up. The problem is that just like taking drugs, it gives a dopamine rush. And with the online porn, he can basically self medicate. He can never do with real life and with sex with you. So the porn wins out. Computer and video game playing can develop into a similar addiction.
> 
> 
> 
> It's becoming a serious problem these days.




And SO easily accessible. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Does he have less interest in porn if he has had sex (or at least an O) recently? Just a thought, but could a routine where you engage in some sexual activity that gets him off every day help reduce his desire. 

I watch porn - probably too much. For me though it is a substitute for having sex with my wife because she almost always turns me down. (often go weeks, sometimes months without). Other people of course may react differently. 




WhiteWolf314 said:


> Hello Ele,
> Thanks for checking in, sorry for being MIA. We have had 4 or 5 more conversations about the lack of sex since my last post. They were good conversations and he seemed more receptive. He actually admitted to himself and me that he is addicted to porn. Said he does it "if not everyday then close to it." We talked about him not being proud of it, not feeling good afterwards, and working on breaking that habit. I was completely on board and trying to support him, asking about progress, how he's feeling, etc. It was better for a little while with more frequent sex, but it did not last long. Needless to say neither did his quitting porn. After our last conversation i have not asked again. There are other issues as well that he talked about- he mentioned us not having a lot of time apart, his mother (who not in a good $ place) living with us for the past 4 years, just being too tired after work, preferring morning sex (he wakes up much earlier than I do). So a number of issues.. some of which we can work on but others that we can't do anything about at the moment. The biggest ones are porn and his mother in my opinion. Have not had a chance to broach the subject again :/ I will absolutely read that article on porn addition, thank you for sharing


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## WhiteWolf314 (Jul 7, 2017)

I couldn't agree more. It's not like other addictions where you can avoid certain places or people to help. He has 24/7 acces at the click of a button. I shouldn't have been surprised at the porn thing looking back - he has a bit of a video game addiction as well. But if he really wants to stop he can, I beleive that. He just has to truly want it. One of the things we talked about regarding the addiction is he feels like he is living vicariously through these pictures and videos. Which is tough for me to understand because I am willing to do just about anything he wants and he could live it (and has for many things) for real. With the exception of the threesome and older woman fantasy. I'm more inclined to believe he falls on the lazy lover spectrum. I would assume sex or having an orgasm relieved that porn urge, but haven't really asked point blank. Engaging in some type of sexual activity daily would help im sure, but I doubt he would want to do that everyday (laziness, a few min looking at pictures is faster and easier for him). I'm learning it's more complicated that I first thought with a lot of layers. Bottom line To make it work he needs to quit porn


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

With my ex (second husband) we had sex daily for several years. He was a very good and attentive lover. We had a great sex life. But he was spending so much time on the internet that porn became a daily thing... and he transitioned into not wanting sex with me. He preferred porn.

If you watch the Brain on Porn video, they talk about why this happens. Porn is more stimulating than any woman could ever be. I guy can have "sex" with 10 women in a pretty short time using porn. That beats sex with the same woman every day. The guy gets a much higher dopamine fix using porn, viewing many women than he will ever get with live sex. 

It's a quick way to get his dopamine fix. And this is why stopping the porn addiction is difficult.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IIWY, I would be finding a local sex therapist and making him go to fix the addiction.


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## purplepwr53 (Mar 20, 2018)

I know this is an old thread but I wonder if we were talking about a woman who didn't want to have sex with her husband, how much of the aforementioned advice would be put forth-especially to stop doing all the "chores". 2 times a week is really very low regarding a porn addiction.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

purplepwr53 said:


> I know this is an old thread but I wonder if we were talking about a woman who didn't want to have sex with her husband, how much of the aforementioned advice would be put forth-especially to stop doing all the "chores". 2 times a week is really very low regarding a porn addiction.


purple, please start your own thread so we can help you.


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