# Did I Overreact?



## LV Asian (May 10, 2018)

Hi everyone, new to the forums. Apologies ahead of time if this seems winded, so please bear with me.

My wife and I have been together now for a year and a half. I've had two divorces in the last 20 years, so I've been around the block, but this is her first. Aside from the occasional disagreement, our relationship has been very good with no major issues. Last month she started working part-time as a host at a restaurant that her best friend's mom helped her get. Monday night after she got home from work, she mentions that she made a new friend, a guy that just started at the restaurant and she spent about 6 hours training with him. She said that they are about the same age and have similar problems with their moms where they don't talk anymore. 

Later that evening around 11:30 pm we were watching a movie together, and while sitting right next to me, I notice she is texting someone on her phone. Not just one or two messages, but a full blown conversation, which was unusual since her girlfriends aren't usually up at that time. I was tired and ready for bed, so I didn't think much about it at the time.

Up to this point we've never had any trust issues, heck we both even have fingerprint access to each others phone, as we always been very open about not hiding anything from each other. The next day I thought that seemed a bit unusual, so I looked at her messages. Come to find out she was texting the new guy from work and had already made plans for this Friday to hangout just the two of them together. This was all without mentioning it to me or asking me if I was okay with it. What stood out to me was she was very flirty, using all capital letters when expressing how excited she was to go. To me it seemed like her plans were well thought out and way too date like. She wanted to take him to her favorite library, another bookstore that she loves spending hours at, a vintage record store, a museum, and if they had time go for a boxing workout. This was not hanging out for an hour or so, but more like the whole afternoon and evening.

Not gonna lie, I was stunned and very hurt, but didn't want to jump to conclusions, so I decided to wait to discuss it with her after work that evening. When we had a chance to sit down later, I expressed my concerns and I told her: 
1.) I'm not ok with you hanging out with a guy neither one of us really know anything about. Doesn't matter that you work with him, too many crazies in the world today, and I have no idea what his intentions are.
2.) I have a MAJOR problem with you making plans to be with him by yourself, especially without even first seeing how I felt about it. It came off as being very secretive, flirtatious, and I felt that it crossed the line. 

She said that she felt sorry for him, supposedly he had just moved to town recently, hadn't met any friends, and she wanted to show him around town. As far as making plans without first asking me, to which she replied she was gonna mention it to me today, but didn't think I would have a problem with it. She does have a guy friend (Aaron) that maybe once a month will go to the mall or out to eat with, but she has been friends with him for many years, he has a girlfriend that she knows very well, and I have met and hung out with him many times. Even then she asks if it's ok if they go out.

As the conversation continued, she started becoming defensive, saying she didn't feel like she did anything wrong, justifying that it was all innocent fun. At that point I blew up and I told her if she goes out tomorrow I would pack my bags and leave. Once she saw I was serious, she finally admitted that she made a mistake and didn't mean to hurt my feelings. Not wanting there to be any more confusion and to nip this in the bud, I listened while she called him on speaker phone. Telling him that I was not ok with them going out, that she would be changing to a different shift, and there would be no further contact outside of work. He said he understood how I felt, since he had been cheated on in the past, but also felt I was being ****ty about the whole situation. He gave what sounded like an half-hearted apology and said he would keep everything strictly professional from now on. After the call she blocked his number. 

I still love my wife very much but there is a lot of feelings of anger, disrespect, and betrayal. Even though my wife professes that she had no intentions for this to lead into anything, I'm having a very hard time trusting anything she says at this point. So my question, was I in the wrong here and how can I save our relationship moving forward?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

You didn't overreact, and this isn't over. The fact that he negged you to your wife in front of your face speaks volumes to who and what he is. You have your work cut out for you with this guy and your wife.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

if you didn't understate your tone or dialog to her, then no, you didn't overreact. this stuff should be taken very seriously.

you set a boundary firmly and decisively.

hopefully, she gets it and it never happens again.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Sorry to say, but it was not your job to nip it in the bud; it was hers! 

Why didnt she show him around town with you by her side? She played wirh fire and got burned. No wonder you can't trust her. You shouldn't trust her. She has no boundaries. I am certsin she would not like you texting, flirting, and then making plans to spend hours with a single woman right next to her and not be upfront about her plans about it. She took time from being with you to have some texting round dez vous with a coworker. 

If she thinks that is ok to do while being married, she is very much mistaken. You have had two failed relstionships already. This third one will end the same way if boundaries are not firm. I don't know if you went through therapy, but you two need marriage counseling yesterday!


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Another 'voice' to say you did not over-react.

Your wife knows deep down what her intentions were - and while it may not have been to take it to a full on sex fest on the first day - she enjoyed the flirtations and interactions for sure.

Unfortunately both the friend and your wife seem a bit contrite based on what you provided in your post so unfortunately you are in a trust but verify situation.

Good luck.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

You did not overreact ... you addressed the situation straight on for what it was.

Now ... buckle up, my friend, because it is obvious from both your W and potential OM that neither of them "get it" and in fact, OM showed some major disrespect your way. Based on his comment, its probably time for either a man to douche face to face or for your W to find other employment. Either way, its time for some consequences for bad actions to imprint on your W exactly where your boundaries are, and a little embarrassment or discomfort goes a long way towards putting substance in those boundaries.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Career woman here. Your wife was definitely going to date this guy. She also threw you under the bus. Keep your eyes open & ears open. Make sure that all your accounts are transparent. She has not admitted that what she did was wrong! She only half-heartedly admitted to not having the appropriate behavior after you placed your foot down on her dating scheme. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

- You didn't overreact!
- You handled it well
- The dude is a douche to the Nth degree for what he is doing and his comment, F that dude, seriously

Now, I like the way your wife handled (half of it) it for now but kind of let it be with her, especially with how she handled it. Don't bring it up but don't forget it, continue to monitor quietly. I don't necessarily mean snoop but just keep an eye on behavior, patterns, etc. There's still a chance on the surface that she did these things to throw you off the scent.

Hoping the best and this gets buried but like what has been said, this guy may take it as a challenge and not quit on his end. Cases like this where the wife actually shows initiative to close the door at least on the surface and if you find out he continues, it is probably smart to confront him about it to show your wife that you are there to protect her and the marital boundaries.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

-She violated a reasonable marital boundary.

-You called her out on it and told her that it wasn't acceptable to you.

-She apologized to you and called him, right in front of you.

-Now she'll think twice before she does something like that again. 

Well played.

But, if it were me; I'd keep one eye open going forward. Because one of two things will happen. She will have learned a lesson about marital boundaries and it won't happen again - or - she'll be more careful next time.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Bibi1031 said:


> *Sorry to say, but it was not your job to nip it in the bud; it was hers! *
> 
> Why didnt she show him around town with you by her side? She played wirh fire and got burned. No wonder you can't trust her. You shouldn't trust her. She has no boundaries. I am certsin she would not like you texting, flirting, and then making plans to spend hours with a single woman right next to her and not be upfront about her plans about it. She took time from being with you to have some texting round dez vous with a coworker.
> 
> If she thinks that is ok to do while being married, she is very much mistaken. You have had two failed relstionships already. This third one will end the same way if boundaries are not firm. I don't know if you went through therapy, but you two need marriage counseling yesterday!


QFT


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

First off, you were spending what looked to be quality time watching a movie with your W who decided it as better to set up a date as she texted away with OM. Second, if your W was concerned with COW and being new in town, she should have mentioned that to you and spoke about the both of you showing him around. Your W only talked about it AFTER you called your W out on it. The "I was going to tell you today." was an utter lie. Your W was not going to say anything. Your W, imo, was setting up a date under the premise of "showing him around" . 

Your W needs to quit the current job. Learn boundaries. You both need to have some good conversation on what is good for the marriage and what is not.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> You didn't overreact, and this isn't over. The fact that he negged you to your wife in front of your face speaks volumes to who and what he is. You have your work cut out for you with this guy and your wife.




Read this again. Then read it again. When OM felt you were being crappy, what did you say? If you said nothing, then you better be prepared for this OM to fill your wife with how controlling, jealous, and weak you are. In less then a few shifts with her she will side with him. My advice, go have a little chat with OM with your wife present but unknowing you are going to do this. Tell him how your wife should have shut this down but didn’t, and you will now. Tell OM to find someone else to show him around, or that you will, inside of an ambulance, ER, the high points of your town.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, you didn't overreact. He and your wife were very likely headed for trouble.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

the white elephant in the room here is the fact you discovered your wife has a roving eye and the capability to lie to you.

even though you caught this early and cut it off quick.....your wife has now learned to cover her tracks better.

give it some time, this cancer may spread. stomping out this early thing is really just a symptom. the real root of the problem is why did your wife do this in the first place and how do you ever have peace going forward with the knowledge that she is capable of doing this again.


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## cashcratebob (Jan 10, 2018)

:smthumbup:
I think you did everything absolutely right! You did not overreact one bit. She violated your relationship norms and lied. 

Out of curiosity, how long had it been since she worked? Does she have an active social life that you are/are not apart of? Church?

Continue to monitor but I suspect you probably shocked her back to reality pretty good.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So basically she call her OM and told him that YOU were the reason she could not spend the day having fun with him and he said he understood, but YOU were acting badly?

So the result is that they both agreed that YOU are to blame for ruining everything.

Still working together means that they will see each other at work. Even if not working the same shift. He can come in early while she stays a little late. YOU and how crazy you are will be the topic of discussion. The other thing they agree on is that they don't think this is wrong. 75% chance they will take it underground. Be alert.

One more thing. Even if she says she had no intention of this leading to anything, most cheaters don't have that intention at the start. It starts out innocent, but will quickly turn into something serious. Text book.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Take this as a warning sign that your wife is open/naive to the attention of other men.This guy will now make a big deal of apologizing to your wife and explaining that he only wanted a “friend”.She will either tell you immediately or else they will start communicating secretly.
I would make it clear to her that she is on thin ice and that you will be keeping a close watch on her from now on and if necessary you will show up unannounced at her workplace.Explain to her that seeing as you have been divorced twice you are well able to cope alone.
Since I came on tam this is the biggest puzzler to me,when a man or woman sees their partner becoming too close to someone else but don’t act until it’s too late.
You acted like a boss and deserve plaudits.Pay no heed to the posters who tell you different.


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## Washashore (Mar 14, 2018)

So She planned a date and you found out. Did she plan on telling you? I would guess not. How did she think going out with another man without telling you was ok? You aren’t buying the other relationship/friendship excuse any more than we do. She did it because she enjoyed being with someone new. She was enjoying being liked. Ego kibbles... 

Add onto that the fact that she blamed you for why she was having to stop the friendship. You are to blame because of Your insecurities about their innocent friendship. Insert eye roll here. She had the start of an emotional affair. Does she realize that? She spent hours talking to him about personal things and was flirty? Crap.

I’m sorry, but I’m concerned she’s not done yet. You’ve taken all the right steps. You can’t change her. How do you read her now? Is she embarrassed, contrite, horrified; or simply chastened because you threatened to leave. Does she realize that this was more than simple boundary crossing? She was planning on and extremely excited about dating someone else while married to you. Crap again.

Expect blame shifting and regret over your feelings. “You and I haven’t been as close as usual. Blah, blah, blah......”. Typical cheater speak. If she is remorseful she will ask herself the question, what is wrong with me that I allowed this to happen? She was at the top of the fun slide about to start her descent. You would have been crushed at the bottom. 

Hoping she gets it. Hoping good conversations happen between the two of you. 

Kyrie Eleison. (God go with you)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

@LV Asian - I hope this is the end of it, but as many here pointed out, that is not highly likely. Eyes and ears open, mouth closed. You may even want to consider finding a spy at their work (someone you know well enough to do this for you or consider a PI).

Based on what your W and the OM did, this could easily go underground. COW are much harder to find out about than other affairs, as most communication is done verbally, in person, so there are no electronic tracks to cover.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

LV Asian how old are you and your wife? Is there an age disparity?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You, sir, handled it like a champ. Great job. You did not overreact. Your wife on the other hand, has piss poor boundaries. Keep a very close eye on her. She lied to you. There was no way she was going to tell you about their plans. You busted her and that's why she gave you a half-assed apology.

Sadly, this isn't over. While changing her shift was probably a step in the right direction, and perhaps even changing jobs would be better, the problem is with your wife.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, got an idea for you. This guy is new in the workplace. Call the Human Resources division! He'll be kicked out. The way he acted & trash talked you, I would spare no limb. On the other hand, your wife would be in clear warning. Just my two cents.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Roselyn said:


> OP, got an idea for you. This guy is new in the workplace. Call the Human Resources division! He'll be kicked out. The way he acted & trash talked you, I would spare no limb. On the other hand, your wife would be in clear warning. Just my two cents.


She and her boyfriend work at a restaurant. Unfortunately, unless it is at a super duper fancy high end restaurant, they don't have an HR department, and if it's like most restaurants, the employees are all rolling around like a barrel full of greased eels anyway, so no one is going to care.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

samyeagar said:


> She and her boyfriend work at a restaurant. Unfortunately, unless it is at a super duper fancy high end restaurant, they don't have an HR department, and if it's like most restaurants, the employees are all rolling around like a barrel full of greased eels anyway, so no one is going to care.


If the restaurant is a chain restaurant & he is part of the management team, the restaurant manager will care. It is easy to locate the main headquarters via the internet.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Roselyn said:


> If the restaurant is a chain restaurant & he is part of the management team, the restaurant manager will care. It is easy to locate the main headquarters via the internet.


I gotta agree ... a good face to face with the manager advising him to handle the OM situation or there will be a lot of drama during his next shift should take care of the situation. OP has done well so far, but its time to take some preemptive actions.

OP needs to make it clear that he will not tolerate anyone fishing in his pond.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Roselyn said:


> If the restaurant is a chain restaurant & he is part of the management team, the restaurant manager will care. It is easy to locate the main headquarters via the internet.


While this may all work and such, the wife was hired part time as a hostess in a patronage fashion, and she was training the new guy, so highly doubtful he is management. While I am all for shaking things up, and I am not saying don't go to the restaurant about this, but I envision the OP basically being told to pound sand, further reinforcing the idea that the OP is some over jealous out of control maniac, giving the wife and her boyfriend even more to bond over.


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

Dear LV Asian,

The people on this site is given you some extremely valuable information, and you should listen and implement those commendations. I believe your wife is navigating you down a slippery slope. You must now act decisively with strength. It is my opinion; you should have another talk with her and stress the need for no contact (outside of business topics) with him. Her boundaries must be discussed, and an agreement must be made on what those boundaries mean. If this becomes an issue, then you might suggest her finding another job. Please be vigilant, or your marriage might be in jeopardy.

Best,
Dreamer


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

You handled it well enough. I would have let Friday get closer to hear/see what she tells you the reason for her being away so long. Would she have told you the truth or a lie?

This work thing is not done with that guy either. They now share a common enemy... You and your fun day party pooping.

You need to find a way to drill it into her that what she even ATTEMPTED to do is not acceptable


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Oh HELL NO. If she wants to date, she can divorce you.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

Your W and OM are not done, been there done that. You just drove them to go further underground. Look for email accounts and chat apps on her phone that she never would had before. Maybe you nipped it in the bud but highly unlikely. You ended it...it wasn't her!! Wish you luck


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

That sounded like a a great date! Not something A married woman plans with a new man she just met. So you were right to put a stop to it. That should have been obvious to her and she should never have planned it. I find it strange that she didn’t get it.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

She should be leaping to your defence if someone calls you ****ty. I think you are right to have concerns. There is a very high chance they will take this underground. I think she needs to leave that job.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I will be the contrarian, no one here knows your wife or her personality so we can't really say. So let me give you a more positive perspective as to why maybe you don't need to worry. I know plenty of men and women who are super friendly and savior types who like to help the little birdie with a broken wing. So I know plenty of people who would take out an opposite sex coworker out if they were new to town. People who jump straight to she was going to cheat are feeding into your worst instincts which also may be affected by your past failed relationships. 

She told you about the guy when she got home from work if she was planning on cheating with this guy would she have done that?

What we don't know, was she actually going to tell you about it? You got up and went to bed, perhaps the plans came up after this point and she might have asked you right then and there if you were present. We don't know

Is she the super friendly savior type? 

How is your relationship generally? you say you've never had any trust issues etc. Every relationship I have ever seen with cheating involved I was not surprised especially when the woman was the cheater. Think really hard about this if your honestly truly see no problems in your relationship which would leave her wanting and you have always trusted her I would give her more credit than others here have.

It's a hard but simple reality that most men with cheating wives simply refuse to admit, they were part of what lead to the affair. I have complete security in the fact my wife would never cheat. She is in sales and travels often for work often with male coworkers. Lots of late after conferences and parties I usually don't know these guys, I've never once been concerned. But again we have a great relationship and I am 100% confident she would (and has) reject any advances.

So long story short I will leave it at you might have over reacted. You don't know this guy he might be disgusting and if you saw him you might say sure hun go hang around town with that no problem. It depends on information only you know. Is her instinct to be the one to show this guy around normal for her personality. You are ok with her hanging out with another guy friend, I understand it's a different circumstance but I can see her thinking you would be fine with a coworker. This could be chalked up to miscommunication or poor communication on her part. 

I think you need to talk to her about it all again to really get her train of thought. Maybe you reaction was so strong is because the one part of your post that wasn't 100% honest was that there was no trust issues to begin with. I don't think you would have gone so far as to threaten to leave given her reasonable explanation if you didn't have trust/insecurity issues going in. 

If everything was innocent and you did overreact you do need to address it.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> She told you about the guy when she got home from work if she was planning on cheating with this guy would she have done that?


Perhaps she told him so he would let his guard down and not suspect anything?



happyhusband0005 said:


> It's a hard but simple reality that most men with cheating wives simply refuse to admit, they were part of what lead to the affair. I have complete security in the fact my wife would never cheat. She is in sales and travels often for work often with male coworkers. Lots of late after conferences and parties I usually don't know these guys, I've never once been concerned. But again we have a great relationship and I am 100% confident she would (and has) reject any advances.


This situation is every potential cheaters daydream. The ones who trust the most are the ones who are duped the most. I can trust a bulldog not to chew my face off after constantly physically abusing it but that doesn't it won't. Why don't you try dropping in unexpectedly sometime on these parties?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

BruceBanner said:


> Perhaps she told him so he would let his guard down and not suspect anything?
> 
> Maybe we don't know that.
> 
> ...


And the control freaks who feel the need to keep their wives on a leash are the ones whose wives eventually say, I'll show the ***hole and then go out and cheat. Men who get cheated on generally deserve it, that's just what I have seen, again generally. I would have no need to ever drop in on one of the parties, that would be so adolescent and pathetic.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

YOU DID NOT OVERREACT!
You set a hard boundary. She understands your objections. Next, she sounds extremely immature. If you know her employer, let her or him know what was going to happen so that she is monitored at work, or the new dude is let go. Sorry but vigilance at this time is crucial. Do not allow anyone to minimize this, yes it may have been innocent, but my bets are the dude figured hot innocent asian chick, easy lay. (I know, I employed several over the past few years, and in my work setting, there are a ton of young dudes that made time with one in particular, who was just that innocent. She went out with this guy, and came back nearly raped-kneed the little prick in the groin.)

I recommend heightened vigilance coupled with some monitoring of her phone use. It sucks to be in this place so early in the marriage, and it is entirely likely that your wife is naive, HOW FUC KING EVER, she obviously gave an available vibe to coworker dude, this needs to be examined and nipped.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I will be the contrarian, no one here knows your wife or her personality so we can't really say. So let me give you a more positive perspective as to why maybe you don't need to worry. I know plenty of men and women who are super friendly and savior types who like to help the little birdie with a broken wing. So I know plenty of people who would take out an opposite sex coworker out if they were new to town. People who jump straight to she was going to cheat are feeding into your worst instincts which also may be affected by your past failed relationships.
> 
> She told you about the guy when she got home from work if she was planning on cheating with this guy would she have done that?
> 
> ...


Says virtually every man whose wife cheated on him.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

It's funny how people nowadays live their life guided by "how they're feeling" and that how they fall in the trap of victimizing somebody else.
She told you she didn't feel she was doing anything wrong. Why do we need to wait till we feel something to realize what we're doing right or wrong. 
There is something called common sense, maturity, honesty, respect, whatever you want to name it and still they're all based on principles we learn through life. Many people throughout history have created caos around the world just because they didn't feel they were doing something wrong, something disastrous, something catastrophic.
Of course she's not going to feel doing something wrong.
My question is: 
Up to what point she "has to feel" that she's doing something wrong against her marriage? After a few sexual encounters she's starting "to feel" she is doing something wrong?
LV Asian, hat off to you. You did nothing wrong. That's a way to defend your dignity, your home and your marriage. I encourage you to keep it up.


LV Asian said:


> Hi everyone, new to the forums. Apologies ahead of time if this seems winded, so please bear with me.
> 
> My wife and I have been together now for a year and a half. I've had two divorces in the last 20 years, so I've been around the block, but this is her first. Aside from the occasional disagreement, our relationship has been very good with no major issues. Last month she started working part-time as a host at a restaurant that her best friend's mom helped her get. Monday night after she got home from work, she mentions that she made a new friend, a guy that just started at the restaurant and she spent about 6 hours training with him. She said that they are about the same age and have similar problems with their moms where they don't talk anymore.
> 
> ...


Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

LV Asian:

Women react positively to STRENGTH, COURAGE, AND DECISIVENESS. You showed all three. Teenaged girls rebel against that. She sounds fairly immature in her reaction. It sounds that you are a father figure to her. She was trying to sneak out with a new boyfriend while you would be none the wiser. Red Flags galore!

You know the drill:

1. She should be terrified of losing you over this. Convince her she might still lose you.

2. Her claims of innocence are baloney as she set the date up and did not tell you. She knew it was wrong and figured what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you.

3. Begin the 180. She should begin to feel it immediately.

4. Contact your lawyer immediately. Have him ready to go with papers so you can serve her immediately on finding out more contact.

5. Draw up a fictional letter that you would send to another woman setting up an all-day date like hers. Instead of boxing, take a tango dance lesson together. Let her read that.

7. Get the Book, "Not Just Friends." Read it and have her read it and give you a book review.

8. She should look for another job immediately. Don't nambey-pambey around with this. You're marriage is in great danger in my opinion.

9. Check all searches on internet to find what she has been researching lately.

10. Look for deleted apps on her phone to find out what apps she might be using and deleting so as to communicate underground.

11. Look for a burner phone in the near future.

12. Purchase a couple of VARs one for her car, one for a spot she likes to sit and text at.

13. Good luck and stay vigilant. You can trust, but verify.

14. You have been strong so far. Don't let up.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

happyhusband0005 said:


> It's a hard but simple reality that most men with cheating wives simply refuse to admit, they were part of what lead to the affair. I have complete security in the fact my wife would never cheat.


Lol.

Congratulations. You've done nothing to "make" your wife cheat, so you know with certainty she won't. Must be nice to have that peace of mind.

I'm sure that all the BH's on this board who thought the same thing must have been fooling themselves. They had to have done something wrong. And all those who weren't the greatest husbands can now rest assured that if they will only treat their wives better, they can sleep easy.

Your simple reality is a fantasy.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

happyhusband0005 said:


> And the control freaks who feel the need to keep their wives on a leash are the ones whose wives eventually say, I'll show the ***hole and then go out and cheat. Men who get cheated on generally deserve it, that's just what I have seen, again generally. I would have no need to ever drop in on one of the parties, that would be so adolescent and pathetic.


People who get cheated on do not deserve it. If a relationship is not working, either work it out or move one amicably. It is the right thing to do. Cheating is never right no matter how one cuts it.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> And the control freaks who feel the need to keep their wives on a leash are the ones whose wives eventually say, I'll show the ***hole and then go out and cheat. Men who get cheated on generally deserve it, that's just what I have seen, again generally. I would have no need to ever drop in on one of the parties, that would be so adolescent and pathetic.


Cheating just because you're partner is distrustful is dumb as all hell. So nobody invites their spouse, friends, or relatives to these parties?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

No the parties I referenced are usually at out of town conferences. I’ve been to some work events local but not really many usually they’re team dinners etc so spouses don’t go. Holiday parties and such sometimes I go sometimes I don’t. 

I just find it to be so odd when guys are so concerned with their wife or girlfriend having a guy friend. If your relationship is strong and you have trust why would you worry. I take care of every need my wife has physical emotional mental everything so I’ve literally never worried about it once.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Sorry Happyhubby, but science proves most of these posters are right. You start "bonding" with the OM at work and social events away from the husband. Then the brain is filled with Oxytocin and Dopamine. Together giving the euphoria of being all "lovey". Then the next thing the poor BH hears..."Its not what you think.." "It just kinda happened.." Or my personal favorite "I didn't love him/her, it's just sex.." lol


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> No the parties I referenced are usually at out of town conferences. I’ve been to some work events local but not really many usually they’re team dinners etc so spouses don’t go. Holiday parties and such sometimes I go sometimes I don’t.
> 
> I just find it to be so odd when guys are so concerned with their wife or girlfriend having a guy friend. If your relationship is strong and you have trust why would you worry. I take care of every need my wife has physical emotional mental everything so I’ve literally never worried about it once.


Some people are greedy and it happening doesn't have to be because of a need. Sometimes it can just be because of a want.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

But that is sooo much less likely with women. Men yes.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

happyhusband0005 said:


> But that is sooo much less likely with women. Men yes.


Wow, you really have no idea....


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

The fact that OP had found this out, I fear will just lead his WW into hiding things better and constant gaslighting to throw him off her trail. Wait till the "Are you having an affair.." question pops into her head. 

My own experience of "finding out a snake in the grass..." Stupid OM called my wife on her birthday at 12:30 at night. She was passed out from drinking too much (fun time and great dinner). I am laying in bed and the F-ing phone starts ringing on her side of the nightstand. Talk about jaw hitting the ground. OM was originally labeled the "work husband". No sh*t! The same thing was said to me..."Its all innocent, I don't even like him like that!" Until his little head started the thinkin' and he calls her on the cell phone..." 
This can happen to ANYONE!!!! My wife didn't think I was serious until I started looking for apartments 110 miles away in another city!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wow, you really have no idea....



Or understand the importance of boundaries in a marriage, or even in the work place. :slap:


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Men who get cheated on generally deserve it, that's just what I have seen, again generally.


Boy oh boy. You chose the wrong audience. You do realize you are on an infidelity forum? No one deserves to be cheated on.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Not that I'm not enjoying the rantings of an ignorant fool, but back to the OP. LV, Sunday evening check her phone again. If your fingerprint doesn't open it, just go ahead and file Monday morning.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

LV Asian said:


> She said that she felt sorry for him, supposedly he had just moved to town recently, hadn't met any friends, and she wanted to show him around town.


If it was true that her only intention was that "she wanted to show him around town", that does not explain why you were not included or told about it, especially since she was secretly making these plans with him while you were sitting next to her on the couch. You were not invited or told because she did not want you to come. Her statement that she was going to tell you just prior to her going out with him, only confirms that she did not want to give you too much advanced notice because she clearly wanted it to be just the two of them. The real question is why she wanted to spend so much alone time with just him on what was to be in effect a date.



LV Asian said:


> how can I save our relationship moving forward?


You ask "how can I save our relationship moving forward"? The answer is that by being strong and firm, you just did. Do not back down or let her get you to second guess yourself on this. Also, sit down with her and draw up a written agreement that lays down mutually agreed upon marital boundaries. This way she can no longer try to say that she did not know that what she was doing with this other man was wrong.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Another idea is to grab your wife’s phone, text OM you will meet him as planned. Then have a friendly text chat all the while saying nothing to your wife. If she comes home mad at you from work then you’ll know they are still talking and different shifts don’t matter. Now you can demand that she quit because she still talks to him.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> Not that I'm not enjoying the rantings of an ignorant fool, but back to the OP. LV, Sunday evening check her phone again. * If your fingerprint doesn't open it, just go ahead and file Monday morning*.


This right here, is good advice. It will show that she is taking it to another level of deception, and she's already gone in her mind.

If she makes accusations that you are having a affair, she is trying to divert the truth.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

skerzoid said:


> LV Asian:
> 
> Women react positively to STRENGTH, COURAGE, AND DECISIVENESS.


There is one thing you leave out here. Self Confidence. There is NOTHING that turns a woman off more than a man who is INSECURE. 

Let me get back to the basics of my original response to this, IF the OP has a great strong relationship with no reason for trust issues or insecurity why jump right to she's trying to cheat. My point has been we don't know enough to know. I have never been cheated on nor have I ever cheated. So If the OP has been cheated on then I guess I understand his reaction. But IF this is a great strong relationship with no reason for trust issues or insecurity why not respond with some thing like, You know you don't really know this guy, I don't really know this guy so he might not have innocent intentions. So maybe we should take him around together. This way you've signaled your not comfortable with hanging around with a guy you don't know alone and offered to take part, which will allow you to see her response. If she was not innocent she probably won't have as much interest in showing him the site if she was innocent your just took a step up on the awesome husband ladder for showing interest in helping her new coworker out and not being insecure about it. 

I totally understand being super suspicious if you have reason to. But putting trackers on cars and hiding voice recorders, just get divorced, your relationship is toast. 

I also get a kick out of the people who think I must be naive. I Have 6 pillars which I live by which ensure my wife won't cheat without tracking her movements or listening to her conversations.

1. Provide her the lifestyle she desires.

2. Eat healthy and workout 6 days a week.

3. Keep the sex life spicy. Discuss sexual fantasies and use hers as a guide, for example my wife had a fantasy about being massaged by a hot masseur it turning to sex. So I watched a ton of massage technique videos bought a nice massage table and became the hot masseur. 

4. We have date night at least once a week and have two hours a night after the kids are in bed with no phones or TV just us sitting together and talking.

5. We have at least one night a month without the kids and go on at least 1 vacation a year just the two of us. 

6. Probably most importantly if you have ever researched why women cheat. I never let her get overwhelmed. If she is working around the house I help, cleaning, laundry, helping kids with homework, shuttling kids to activities, I'm in. 

Skerzoid You said STRENGTH, COURAGE and DECISIVENESS, I say have the strength to provide, protect and support her. Have the Courage to trust her and openly and without judgement listen to her desires and find a way to satisfy them. And have the decisiveness to make a complete commitment to her happiness and satisfaction over your own. When you do all this you will never be in a position to need to follow through with the rest of your list. 

To the OP I say your opinion is the only one that matters, but I know women pretty well. And what you do next will absolutely determine the future. I've always had women, friends wives and my wives friends coming to me for advice on getting through to their husbands on meeting their needs, for lack of a better term. I know that the guys seldom understand whats going on in their wives heads, sometimes because many men are clueless but also because many men can't be bothered to listen to the subtle hints or even not so subtle hints.

This whole situation could be innocent maybe it's not. You know 1,000,000 times more than any of us, if your gut is telling you she was up to no good you must have some reason to believe she would go there. But what you do next matters most. I will NEVER EVER support the, report the guy to the manager, spy on her, lock her down neanderthal philosophy. Once you go that way you really should go the divorce route because no woman will ever feel the same for a guy who would do any of that and you'll both be miserable. Its a nail in the coffin, because it is a display of extreme insecurity and emotional instability, it's flat out juvenile crazy behavior and when she finds out about it you'll be getting divorced anyway. If she is the kind of woman who needs to be surveilled you shouldn't be with her. If you want to have a great relationship the first step here is open communication without judgement and with calm level heads. Talk to her and make her feel safe to be open and tell you she IF was feeling the need for something more, then you have something to work on and understand the why and how you can fill that gap. 

I am a happy husband because I work hard to make sure my wife wants me to be a happy husband. And my extreme confidence in myself and our relationship is the biggest factor in keeping my wife turned on. 

And yes guys who would run to their wives bosses and put trackers in cars or voice recorders around deserve to be cheated on. Sorry but I do live in reality and that is reality.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Do not feed the trolls. Not referring to LV Asian.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Absolutely not!

Unfortunately for you, your wife has now shown that she is willing and able to go out on dates with other men. You need to keep a much closer eye on her from this point forward.

Good luck


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeah, OP poofed on us...


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

LV Asian hasn't commented since the beginning of this thread. I think maybe we scared him Lol!! 
If you're still reading the posts LV, do you have access to her cell phone online account? Maybe the texting stopped but doesn't mean they are not talking. Blocking his number doesn't mean nothing, all she has to do is unblock the number then block it again when they are done. The phone records online would prove that. Also if they both have iPhones they can chat through Imessage and it doesn't show up on the phone records. Or he could call her from another phone. I made my wife block the OM's number and that didn't solve anything. She would call him while she was at work on one of many land line phones in the school. I really hope she did stop communication with him and you done the right thing. All I'm saying is that if they still want to keep this going nothing will stop them. Been down this road 3 years ago. Don't turn your back on it yet. Mouth shut and eyes wide open for the next little bit. Don't say a word until you have solid evidence of an affair.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Congratulations on stomping on this hard and fast. You absolotley did the right thing. Do not doubt yourself for a second. You made your feelings very clear on the matter so there could be no confusion next time. What you caught was the beginning of an emotional affair. Left unchecked it would have progressed to physical. 

Just remember people do not jump straight into sex. It begins with friendship, coffee dates, movies, messaging, etc.

Be on the look out now for a change in phone password, and for communication to possibly continue at a very discreet level away from you. 

I strongly suggest you buy a VAR and strap it underneath the car seat. She is going to want to talk to this guy away from you and aside from work the car is the perfect place to do so. 

If she displays any suspicious behavour act swiftly to seperate any joint finances, and file for Divorce. Your wife needs to be sent a clear message that you are a strong man and will not tolerate this crap or any behavour from her trying to say you are controlling, jeloous, whatever.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Watch the phone bill. 

Definetly suspicious, you need to have a talk about boundaries. Because hers are bad. I wouldn’t be shocked if they started secretly communicating.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You didn't overreact. I think it's interesting how men candy coat things to women ''you don't know, he might be crazy.'' lol She knows he's not crazy, but you don't want to come off as controlling. This is something I've noticed about men who simply want respect from their wives. I think saying you're going to leave was the right thing.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> You didn't overreact. I think it's interesting how men candy coat things to women ''you don't know, he might be crazy.'' lol She knows he's not crazy, but you don't want to come off as controlling. *This is something I've noticed about men who simply want respect from their wives.* I think saying you're going to leave was the right thing.


 Men candy coat things like that so the woman doesn't look like a naive fool for making a date while she's married. It's being respectful and giving an out to someone who likely doesn't deserve the respect. It could also be the guy is a non-confrontational wuss. Your choice. It doesn't look like the OP is around to tell us which one he is.
re: bolded That's not a very good way to achieve that goal. More like the opposite of what should be done.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Men candy coat things like that so the woman doesn't look like a naive fool for making a date while she's married. It's being respectful and giving an out to someone who likely doesn't deserve the respect. It could also be the guy is a non-confrontational wuss. Your choice. It doesn't look like the OP is around to tell us which one he is.
> re: bolded That's not a very good way to achieve that goal. More like the opposite of what should be done.


Exactly right. I've noticed the manipulation tactics women have used in the threads on here described by BS, to diminish their role in the affairs they've had.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

No you didn't over react. If anything you were too polite and silent while listening to her blame you.
Your wife clearly knows where the boundary is now. I suggest monitoring her very closely for further contact.
If she continues (after you caught her this early in the process), then she's looking for an affair - and you can't fix her.
I wouldn't ask what she's not getting from her marriage nor would I tolerate any nonsense about we're just friends.
Draw up the divorce papers ...serve her while she's on her 'date' (and notify her family and her boyfriend's family) ....and then find a new wife with high self esteem that doesn't need the attention of men. There's too many women that won't tolerate or encourage flirting/ cheating to waste time on fixing broken her.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

The op has not posted in over close to a month. He only posted once. I'd say he is gone. What do you think?


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## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

skerzoid said:


> The op has not posted in over close to a month. He only posted once. I'd say he is gone. What do you think?



Sadly I believe you are right. I think we'd all like to know how he's doing but if he continues to act this decisively then I think he'll be fine. One way or another.


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