# virginity guilt



## Changecage (Jan 14, 2020)

my wife and I have been married 18yrs and were together 6 yrs before marriage. we recently had a bad fight and she brought up the 1st time we had sex. she was a virgin, we were young, and it was not romantic at all. I was not a virgin and at the time we were not sure where things would go so I didn't give it a second though until that fight, and she brought it up. should I feel guilty?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What was her reasoning for bringing it up? What did she say about it?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If she’s really holding a grudge for over a quarter of a century then this is one fight you aren’t going to win. 
I would tell her when she’s prepared to discuss things like a rational human you will be there but this crap she’s talking is completely ludicrous.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Changecage said:


> my wife and I have been married 18yrs and were together 6 yrs before marriage. we recently had a bad fight and she brought up the 1st time we had sex. she was a virgin, we were young, and it was not romantic at all. I was not a virgin and at the time we were not sure where things would go so I didn't give it a second though until that fight, and she brought it up. should I feel guilty?


Feel guilty about what? That it wasn't romantic? That you weren't a virgin? That she was a virgin? Very few first encounters are romantic. At least one of the two is scared to death.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It's obviously something that has been bothering her for a long time. She should have brought it up earlier, and in a different way, but regardless just talk with her about it. If that clears things up, great. If not, maybe she should talk to someone else about it.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Changecage said:


> we recently had a bad fight and she brought up the 1st time we had sex. she was a virgin, we were young, and it was not romantic at all.


So she's mad at you two decades later for first time sex not being her definition of romantic enough? If the atmosphere wasn't to her liking she could have said no and told you what she wanted instead.

I suspect this isn't about the first time you had sex being less than romantic. It's something else. Maybe she doesn't feel you provide her with enough romance now. Maybe she feels like she isn't special to you or like she no longer inspires you.

It's not uncommon for a woman to say " I TOLD him! I said I was unhappy and needed XYZ!" and the man to honestly have no clue there was a problem or how serious the problem was because the woman's communication was mistaken for just venting or was somehow unclear. I suspect that may be what's happening here. I suspect you are unaware or partially aware of a big problem for her.

Tell her straight that you love her and want to meet her needs, but she needs to be blunt because guys just sometimes need to be hit w a 2x4 to fully understand.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

She was mad and still she married you?  Unfortunately, it appears that some people like to rewrite history, to suit their own agenda. Good luck... you have a nasty uphill battle here.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Was the big fight about the night you had sex for the first time together?
Or was this just part of the fight, and this was thrown in there with other issues?
Is your wife upset about the lack of romance that first night then?

Did you know she was a virgin that night?
I presume if you did know that, you didn't push her to have sex that night, and she was fully willing to get it over with without love and romance being part of it then.

Maybe she is feeling like there isn't enough love or romance now, or in the past and it stems back to that night in her head. 
Is there love and romance in your relationship? Does your wife feel like she is special to you?

It would be disappointing to lose your virginity and it not be a special night. But if she was pushing to lose it, and not hesitant or coerced, then she has to own that decision.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Was her first time after she was pressured for sex?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Was her first time after she was pressured for sex?


How do you know she was pressured for sex?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> How do you know she was pressured for sex?


I don't - that's why I'm asking.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

It's a bit crap to bring it up now in that situation.

However it obviously has bothered so I would suggest you try to initiate a discussion.

Even if you were not a V as youngster you were probably not an accomplished performer in bed. Worth making that point.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

Can‘t count the number of stories I have read on here where a seemingly happy couple starts having issues…. And when the issue of virginity comes up, it becomes about not having more experience, etc…

Assuming this is eventually out of the blue, if I were you I would pay attention who she is talking too…. And I don’t really mean the men. But her girlfriends (especially new ones)… aka the company she keeps. Some friends a spouse may not friends of the marriage. Its not just a male or female problem, but some people feel a person should experience more sexually.

to be clear I am not saying or implying she is unfaithful. I don’t think you post indicates that! However your post does indicate she has a revised view of early sexual relationship. It is unlikely she kept this repressed for so long and then just brings it up.

i know my post is a little jumpy & plenty of people will disagree, but check for outside influences. left unchecked through subtitle influences they can change who a person becomes without you even realizing it.

are there any other changes?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Well....my question is what are the real issues here? The underlying problems?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Changecage said:


> my wife and I have been married 18yrs and were together 6 yrs before marriage. we recently had a bad fight and she brought up the 1st time we had sex. she was a virgin, we were young, and it was not romantic at all. I was not a virgin and at the time we were not sure where things would go so I didn't give it a second though until that fight, and she brought it up. should I feel guilty?


LOL...did she really* expect* a teenage boy to know what the hell he's doing? That's rich.

I'm sure it was 12 seconds of fun for ONE of you. 🤣


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Changecage said:


> my wife and I have been married 18yrs and were together 6 yrs before marriage. we recently had a bad fight and she brought up the 1st time we had sex. she was a virgin, we were young, and it was not romantic at all. I was not a virgin and at the time we were not sure where things would go so I didn't give it a second though until that fight, and she brought it up. should I feel guilty?


It's difficult to say. The fact that she brought it up after 24 years of being together (i.e. 24 years after the fact) this is still bothersome to her and that she remembers it. I'd suggest that you guys NEED to do some marriage counseling to resolve why this is still bothering her and if there are any other issues that are bothering her. It's better to resolve such issues so that they do not fester.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

seadoug105 said:


> Can‘t count the number of stories I have read on here where a seemingly happy couple starts having issues…. And when the issue of virginity comes up, it becomes about not having more experience, etc…
> 
> Assuming this is eventually out of the blue, if I were you I would pay attention who she is talking too…. And I don’t really mean the men. But her girlfriends (especially new ones)… aka the company she keeps. Some friends a spouse may not friends of the marriage. Its not just a male or female problem, but some people feel a person should experience more sexually.
> 
> ...


Yeah and that isn't even about the person with a bunch of experience, it's usually about the person without the experience getting older and suddenly wanting more, or wanderlust. 

The only time when this isn't the case is when someone lied about the experience and that was important to the other person when picking a mate, and they suddenly find out. For instance one person is under the impression that they were both virgins when getting married.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Changecage said:


> my wife and I have been married 18yrs and were together 6 yrs before marriage. we recently had a bad fight and she brought up the 1st time we had sex. she was a virgin, we were young, and it was not romantic at all. I was not a virgin and at the time we were not sure where things would go so I didn't give it a second though until that fight, and she brought it up. should I feel guilty?


No, you are being manipulated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Changecage said:


> my wife and I have been married 18yrs and were together 6 yrs before marriage. we recently had a bad fight and she brought up the 1st time we had sex. she was a virgin, we were young, and it was not romantic at all. I was not a virgin and at the time we were not sure where things would go so I didn't give it a second though until that fight, and she brought it up. should I feel guilty?


Does she feel that you forced yourself on her?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Does she feel that you forced yourself on her?


You're going in the same direction I'm going. Just wait for the accusation that you're a man-basher.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Changecage said:


> my wife and I have been married 18yrs and were together 6 yrs before marriage. we recently had a bad fight and she brought up the 1st time we had sex. she was a virgin, we were young, and it was not romantic at all. I was not a virgin and at the time we were not sure where things would go so I didn't give it a second though until that fight, and she brought it up. should I feel guilty?


You're giving us almost nothing to go on and yet you're hinting at repressed trauma over what she might have seen as a coerced first sexual encounter, perhaps even rape. Is there concern either of you married the other out of guilt? Did she feel shame that she was unable or unwilling to resolve/talk about at the time? 

From a prior post it sounds like you were married when you were 30 and would have been "together" since 24. How young when you first had sex? Do you have kids? Has there been any infidelity in the marriage?


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> You're going in the same direction I'm going. Just wait for the accusation that you're a man-basher.


asking the question is totally valid! 

however, *ASSUMING* the OP is giving us all the details (at least most) up front (seemingly happy, sudden issues, revised description of history <causing sudden issues>). It seems that she has some catalyst for her sharing this (seemingly) new interpretation to their first sexual experience. In the past I might believe it was a “Very Special” episode of Oprah, but that was when I use to believe that ”forsaking all others” actually meant “FORSAKING ALL OTHERS”.

I stick by what I said before; to me it sound like an outside influence is changing her perspective. And by that I don’t mean an affair. I mean a female “friends”…. 

it could be to encourage her to “explore”, it could be a ”man-basher”, hell it could be a lesbian (out or closeted), but more than likely it is just a jaded person who doesn’t believe in happily ever after because they have never found it.

why do i go here??? Because I have experienced it in my own marriage & fortunately I have a wife who shared with me what this person would say to her…. ”are you sure you‘re really happy?” “does he ever raise is voice to you?” “But you got together so young! How do you know your perfect person isn’t still out there?” 

…no wonder most of her friends were divorced or divorcing.

I let my wife know how I felt & my wife decided to distanced herself from this person. (I would have preferred severing the relationship…)

And today they get together every 3-4 months…. all of her (this ”friend”) other friends are miserable and my wife is still happy.. and this friend now wishes she would have maintained a relationship longer that 2 weeks….

anybody in seattle need a home for stray cats? I know a “Lady”


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Changecage said:


> I didn't give it a second though until that fight, and she brought it up. should I feel guilty?


Not at all, if it was that bad why did she stick around for another 18 years?
PS. Wouldn't be surprised if this was a story she was working up for the divorce court.
PPS. Is there another man hanging around, a new friend, co-worker, etc.


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## eyeamnicegirl (Dec 31, 2019)

Changecage said:


> my wife and I have been married 18yrs and were together 6 yrs before marriage. we recently had a bad fight and she brought up the 1st time we had sex. she was a virgin, we were young, and it was not romantic at all. I was not a virgin and at the time we were not sure where things would go so I didn't give it a second though until that fight, and she brought it up. should I feel guilty?


I experienced this (on a much lesser level) in college. I was 19, guy was 20. I wasn't a virgin, he was. Now, after dating a few months, we went all the way. He was more than eager; and the sex continued until the end of the semester (several months) when we went our separate ways over the summer. But the reunion the following fall didn't happen quite like I had thought. He had time to think about it all. The fact that I had enjoyed the pleasure of several penises before I met him bugged the fire out of him, because he hadn't likewise gotten his share before we met. I think this "unequal" virginity status is a real issue in people's heads. I think people who count you as their "only one" don't do well knowing that you aren't his/her only one. I don't think the body count has to be equal, yet, zero vs. any number greater than zero is an issue. I would also say 2 vs. 20 would probably be a problem, too, yet 4 vs. 7, probably not a big deal. 

Now, you can't feel guilty for having done the deed before you met her. Maybe you regret your history, but feeling guilty is pointless, as you had no intent to hurt her. I will suggest she is the one with the problem all these years later -- if your lack of virginity when you two were dating way back when was a big deal to her, she should have dumped you before you ever got married. I don't begrudge people wanting what they want when it comes to marriage partners; however, I do find it sort of pathetic when someone chooses to marry someone, and then holds something against that person that he/she knew about at time of marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zombie thread - it's now closed.


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