# What Am I Going To Do Now?



## Estell (May 24, 2008)

In February 2008, I was diagnosed with sjogrens syndrome, a chronic disease that forced me to leave work and go on short term medical disability and moving to long term medical disability in June. I have been unhappily married for 5 1/2 years. I am 46 and my husband is 51. This is our second marriage. He also has a chronic health condition, thrymbocytosis. We have not had sex in 6 months. Prior to that, it was one year. We have always slept in separate bedrooms by choice. 

During the time that I was home, my friend/boss admits to me that he has been separated from his wife for 2 years, is going through a divorce, and has been madly in love with me for the past 6 years. He knows about my marital problems. I told him I was planning to ask my husband for a divorce this year.

I have always admired my coworker and since he is living in his own apt. we started seeing each other. He wants to marry me when both our divorces are finalized. I am in love with him also but I won't have sex with him while married to my husband. I talked to my husband and asked for a separation agreement and that he move out. Now my husband is distant, cold, and untalkative. He says he loves me and doesn't want a divorce but he is angry and suspects that there is someone else.

I yearn for the love and affection I get from my friend, something I never had in my marriage. I am very sick though and wonder if my friend really understands the commitment that he's making to marry me. There is no cure for my condition. I may never be able to work outside the home again. I worry that he will grow weary of my illness and regret falling in love with me. What should I do? Should I pursue the divorce and marry my friend? Should I break it off and try to save an empty marriage? Should I leave both of them and go on my own to focus on my health? Thank you for listening. Estell


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## Corina (May 15, 2008)

No matter what your age/health/income, I would be very careful about going directly from one relationship into another. It's too easy to *only* see all of the things in the next relationship that are missing from the current one and to oversee what might be missing in the new one. 

I think some time completely on your own can only help you get some clarity. If this man is truly a friend, he will be there for you no matter what you decide. 

And - all of the questions you present in your posting should be presented to your friend. Maybe in a written form so that he has time to honestly thing about them - it's too easy in a spoken conversation to quickly reply with 'of course, I love you no matter what'.


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## Estell (May 24, 2008)

Hello Corina,
I agree with what you've said. It makes so much sense. I do not want to make another fatal mistake by rushing. You're right. I should pose these questions to my friend. I don't think he realizes the extent of my illness and even though we've been friends for 6 years, he doesn't know me outside of the office. Some time on my own is something I haven't had for 6 years. I'm not looking for anyone to take care of me. I beleive that I can make do on my disability income, even if I have to sell my house or take in a house mate. I'm so grateful for your voice of reason and excellent suggestions. This has helped me to get some clarity. Patience is a lifestyle that I'm learning to embrace. My health is my absolute number one priority. You're right again. If he's truly my friend, he will support my decision, no matter what I do. He has indicated this to me many times. Thank you! Estell


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## Corina (May 15, 2008)

Hi Estell - i'm glad i could offer an ear & some tips for you. Sometimes just putting down your own feelings and situation in writing can help. And knowing that others are out there who care also helps 
Take care of you, and if your friend, as I hope, proves to be a real friend to you he'll be there whatever your condition!


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## Estell (May 24, 2008)

Hello Corina,

My top priority has to be my health. I'm in no condition to make life changing decisions now. I may do something I'll regret forever. I believe my friend will always be my friend, no matter what. He has been nothing but good to me for the past six years. I expect we will be friends forever, if we don't end up together eventually. I like the idea of some time alone. I haven't had that in six years. Thanks for caring. Your post has helped in ways you'll never know. I feel better. Estell


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

I agree that the best thing you can do is to try some time on your own. There is no reason that you two cannot date and this will give you both time to see what it is like on your own. Good luck to you both.


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## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

Hi Estell, Like the others, I too agree that some time alone whilst you come to terms with the cahnges happening in your life would be a good idea. There is no reason why you cannot date during this time, but perhaps a little time out will allow you both to see more clearly whether marriage is the right path to take.


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## Estell (May 24, 2008)

Dear Green-Moo and Tarter03,

You both are right. There is no need to rush. I need time and space. Time to manage my illness. Time to come apart, go through my divorce, and grieve the loss, even though it is a bad marriage. 

Learning how to live single again after 6 years will probably take many months of adjusting. I'm glad you both are suggesting some time alone will be good. No matter what happens, I believe my friend will be there for me and will wait. If he truly loves me, he will respect my decision to take it slow, not move in together and just take it one day at a time. My health is my top priority. 

Thanks for such positive feedback and good advice. I appreciate it. 

Estell


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