# Toughen Up!! I'm a big boy



## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

Well, I'm being a little boy rather than a big boy. In the last post NotLikeYou said it best:



> You lack strong morals. You lack healthy boundaries. You lack self esteem and confidence.


Looking back...it seems that I've let this person run me over, crush me, and continued to allow it.

Now, I'm getting that gut feeling I had 5 years ago that she's cheating. Of course, mix in all the other crap feelings I have and I could be wrong, but does it matter? Nope.

We're in a week long of national holidays here and I work every national holiday. Her mother's 1 year anniversary (1 year since she died) was 2 days ago. Out of respect for her mother I did nothing that day (That was my excuse) Today, I had a very long day (Another crap excuse) and I know tomorrow and the day after I'm going to have long days. 

So, what happened today. She came home, while talking on the telephone. After, I asked her what she was up to that day (She has national holidays off) and right away she asked "Do you doubt me?" To which I answered "Yes." 

I should've followed that up with "...and here's why...and that's why we're getting a divorce." BUT it was just left at "Yes."

I feel like I'm now looking for that 'perfect' timing to get out. It's just never going to be perfect. I've gone over in my head what to say, how to act, how she might react, what to do in the days following. But then when the opportunity presents itself, I can't follow through.

How do you get past that initial fear? I know once it starts going, emotions take over and anger will likely keep me focused (Not showing anger on the outside but the anger that's built up inside.)


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

What does having a long day have to do with her cheating? You sound paranoid, unless you actually know that she is cheating then don't assume she is. Just because she goes somewhere doesn't mean she is cheating. Sounds like you are still bitter from when she did cheat. If you can't learn to trust her then I can't see how you have a good marriage. If you want out of your marriage then tell her that.

.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Your dreading the talk, not the separation

Honestly, well at least for me, it ended up not being as big of a deal as what I had imagined. I said I want a divorce, he said fine.
Of course then he started in on the cheater's speak about how he did nothing wrong, and if he did it wasn't his fault, blah, blah, blah. None of that mattered anymore.

It will get better. Write out exactly what you want to say and read off the paper if that helps you.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, it is about motivation. You have to keep reminding yourself about the benefits of escaping this relationship.

You have to think about the possibility of what a better, stronger, and more independent person you will have the chance of becoming.

The plans you have for yourself, will be highly impossible to achieve with her in your life. She is a toxic element to you, and that is how you should try and view it.

I think you also fear her reaction, and you sound like you dislike confrontation to the point of avoidance.

Try making plans and goals for yourself, and work on building that self-esteem as best as you can. Keep reminding yourself of your good qualities, and that you will find someone who will cherish the good about yourself. Make your self-esteem a priority.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Too_Bad said:


> How do you get past that initial fear?


I read this quote which really propelled me in to doing what needed to be done, especially after my separation.

"Courage is looking fear right in the eye and saying, 'Get the hell outta my way! I've got things to do.'"


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> What does having a long day have to do with her cheating? You sound paranoid, unless you actually know that she is cheating then don't assume she is. Just because she goes somewhere doesn't mean she is cheating. Sounds like you are still bitter from when she did cheat. If you can't learn to trust her then I can't see how you have a good marriage. If you want out of your marriage then tell her that.
> 
> .


My long day is an excuse for me not talking about divorce.

IMO there should have been more remorse after the PA and more effort into rebuilding the trust. An example: if she catches the last train home she should be in the door by 12:45pm at the latest. I've always said, especially after tge PA that if coming home late, send a message. So, obe night it's 2am and she's not home. I call, no answer. Email, no reply. I call a friend about what hospitals I should call. I'm thinking worst case, both equally bad, she's cheating or she's hurt.

7am she walks in, still in her work uniform. According to her there was an after work party, her phone had died etc. I had to work, I was happy she was safe and not in the hospital but didn't want to hear the excuses. These actions have made trusting her again a problem. When something lije this happens, she puts in a little extra effort in the following weeks. Then things plateau, then she does something again. It might not be coming home late, but it still beings trust down to zero.

I am afraid to start the talk. I'm sure when it starts it will be OK. It's the start.


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

I meant, 1245am not pm


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Well, first of all, take anything that NotLikeYou guy says with a shaker full of salt- he's kind of a d!ck.

No, wait.

Forget that first sentence.

In the post you quoted, I told you what you were doing wrong.

Now, based on what you have written here, let me tell you a couple of things you are doing RIGHT.

You are trusting your instincts. That is good. If you have a feeling in your gut that she's screwing around again, she probably is. Now become super-investigator and FIND OUT FOR SURE.

If it even matters.

When you asked her what she was up to, and she turned it back on you, I think your answer was just fine. Short, sweet, to the point, and without any bullsh1t "can we talk about this, honey?" stuff.

Given your relationship particulars, you don't owe her a lot of conversation or explanations. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't give her the courtesy of knowing a divorce was coming. I'd just let her get served papers.

So, you are NOT authorized to get all down on yourself and wallow in self pity, doubt, woe, and assorted other negative emotions. At least not for more than 5 minutes at a time.


I do have some recommendations that will help you through this muddy stretch of life you are traversing.

1) The objective is to get to the most awesome version of "you." Keep that goal somewhere near the front of your thoughts. Make decisions that make you better.

2) Re-connect with old friends and your family. Put effort into spending time and doing things with them. If they aren't close, put time into writing them emails!

3) Make some new friends!

4) Hobbies. You had some once. Renew your interest in them. Find some passion and enthusiasm for them. When you really "dig" something, people notice and get curious. While you're not a special little snowflake, you are still unique and you can be interesting to others by being interesting to yourself.

5) Exercise. Burn calories. Exchange fat for muscle. Eat well, and eat healthy.

6) Make some plans. They don't have to be good plans. You can change them later. But make some plans, and start trying to achieve them. Plans can be financial, personal, locational, motivational, cultivational, and probably a few other words that end in -al.


Notice that none of those suggestions directly address the problem (your marriage) and the decision (whether to stay married or not) that you are facing.

You have to decide that for yourself, and on your own schedule.

It does sound like you have an awful relationship with a woman who makes an awful wife for you.

But what you do about it is up to you.

I will say that if you do even a little bit of work on becoming a more awesome you, the decision will be easy and clear.

Consider yourself to have been picked up, dusted off, patted on the butt in a strictly platonic and supportive way, and pushed back into the game.


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