# Keep being married or get divorced?



## diasflacleo (Aug 16, 2012)

Hi everyone.

I want to thank you all in advance for trying to help me.
I will tell you my story and then you can judge and give me your valuable opinions:

Well I am a married guy.I am 30 years old. I always believed that marriage is such a wonderful thing in our life. I married a 28 years old woman, 11 months ago. We dated for 10 months, she got pregnant and we decided to marry. I wanted to get married when we were dating, but she did not. She was pressed and forced herself to do that for a reason that I do not know.( I have a clue. She does not have a got relationship with her father and her eldest brother... so she saw an opportunity to get rid of them, marrying me)

Once, her mother came to us and said:

”She may be waiting for a baby, but this does not mean that you both have to live together unless you BOTH want this”

She asked me first: “Leo, do you like her enough to live with her as couple?”
I said with a smile and without thinking that I did.

Then her mother asked her: “My daughter, do you like Leo enough to live with him as couple?”

SHE SAID NOTHING.... SHE WAS SILENT and turned her face.

Her mother asked again and she was silent...
That was like a Punch in the face for me.. Felt like I was the worst person in the world... I felt unwanted like trash.

I knew she did not love me but she liked me and then, the opportunity to show her that I was a worthy, loveable man has come and I embraced it. I had an objective that was going to make her love me through my actions. we got married on September, 2011. 2 months before our beloved son was born.

I was excited because I was going to live with her as my wife and I was going to become a father the same time... so you can all imagine how happy I was.
Well, I am a romantic guy... I gave her flowers, make up ( I even learned a little about it to buy her good brands and impress her), clothes... I invested in her professional career. Gastronomy. I helped her in her University tasks and studies.

Well I did everything I could to make her love me. But she almost always was cold and treated me bad. She is the angry type, and she explodes if she dislikes something. I showed her how sad and painful her actions and attitudes were to me. But she did not care...

Almost everyday after coming home she had something to complain about. She complained about the baby, she complained about her body( she has a belly now but her body is slightly going back to what it was). She complained that she was not seeing her friends and much more...

Well I told her that things were going to be back as before but I needed time to accomplish that. I was (and still am) the only one who’s working so... the money was little because I pay all the out bills (university, food, Internet, Telephone, clothes and even the hospital spendings for my son’s birth and loooooot more)
I told her to be patient. I worked as a translator on my free time so I could get more money for us.

She called me asking me to buy things for our son, but she NEVER called me to ask how I was doing or to say that she liked me or something. That made me feel bad.

Several months have passed.

After trying to talk to her how I was feeling and she ignored, I asked her mother some advices in how to deal with her. Her mother told me to write her a letter. The idea was great, I wrote down everything that I was unhappy about so, I could not forget anything...
I gave her the letter and... guess what? She did not read nor wanted to read... She said it was stupidity to write her a letter. My stomach froze, that cold feeling...
Well, I insisted and she resisted in not reading, then I decided to read out loud to her...

I read all the letter for her, crying like I baby...( I am not ashamed to say.. I really cried a lot).

I was crying so much that I could barely read the letter... that was difficult for me...

In the letter I told her that if we did not do something quickly, I feared that my love to her was going to die...

I told her twice to make sure that she had paid attention to this part.
Then I asked her: “Do you love me?”... she said nothing...

I reformulated the question: “Do you even like me?” no words came out...and she did not even looked me in the eyes.

I told her that all I wanted was a kiss once in while, a good night kiss or a weak up kiss like she used to do when we were dating. A hug or a simple “Hey, you are special for me” or “I like you”.

I was the one who did all of that but she never did.

I think that was the beginning of the end...
I made myself strong to make my mind healthy. Healthy enough to work and provide a good live for my son...
I lived a bitter life, day by day... trying so much to keep my feelings for her alive and to keep us together as a family( me, her and our son).
...Until 2 weeks ago. I created an account at skout. I wanted to make friends and practice my English...

I created a profile with that purpose. So she came home after her university classes. I was downloading some movies she has asked me and was chatting with a female friend I met 4 days earlier..

After she came home, she asked what I was doing...
I told her that I was downloading the movies and chatting with a female friend from another country.

There is nothing wrong with that I thought.... suddenly she EXPLODED with anger...
“ARE YOU CHATTING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN?”

I said I was.. I was so naive that I said innocently.

I asked her “why?”

She got furious and got in our bedroom slamming the door...(I checked if the baby woke up after that but luckily he didn’t).

I opened the door and told her that the movies she wanted was ready to be watched.
She said that she was going to check later... she said in a snobbish way... like did not care about me or the movies... and more... she put my faithfulness in question... I never cheated on her... never and then she came up with this doubt...

SHE CHATS EVERYDAY with her male friends on facebook... some of them I do not even know... there may be even her ex-lovers and ex-boyfriends in the middle and I NEVER SAID ANYTHING...
Now she came with her teen jealousy. For a woman I have never seen in my life. ..
Please!!! there is not logic in this...

She never felt jealousy towards me before...I do not believe that... she wanted to dissipate her anger in someone and I was the victim of course.

Again I felt bad.... and said... I slept in my son’s bedroom. THAT DAY changed... my feelings for her died...
I ignored her the next day... did not call her and did not pick up the phone when she called me...
I got home and went to sleep... I was angry.... angry in a way I have never been before....

Then the next day. She called me and I told her many things. I even told her that I did not love her anymore... and this is true. She cried a lot …
When I got home we talked. I confirmed her that my love for her died, but there was something inside of me telling me to try again with her.

That Was what we did... Last Friday, I took the day off and we went to the mall. But she was different, It was nice but when I mentioned a Motel for us to have sex, she seemed troubled, and confused.... so did I.
We went there and during our sexual act, I felt strange, she was weird too... like we both did not want to do that...

Well, Sunday came and she told me that she wanted to try again but I told her that I was confused... I told her that I was struggling to feel that love feeling for her but I was afraid that that may not happen. I told her when my heart decides to reject a girlfriend, I obey him and let him go... I told her I wanted to try.
She said that it was ok if it was for us to end. She does not want me to be with her for pity or compassion.

I told her that it wasn’t that.

That was three days ago.... Now... my feelings are still dead... I like her, but I see her now more like a friend than a woman... I am still fighting to resurrect this feeling but no luck so far.

I am still confused as you can see

Maybe it’s because it’s too recent.. or maybe, this is something that cannot be done.
I don’t know.

NOW I ASK YOU MY FRIENDS:

- HAVE YOU EVER STOPPED LOVING SOMEONE AND RE-IGNITED FEELINGS FOR THE SAME PERSON?

- IF YOU DID, HOW AND WHAT DID YOU DO FOR THAT TO HAPPEN?

- OR MAYBE, DO YOU ADVISE ME TO FOLLOW MY HEART AND GET DIVORCED?

My heart now is peace because I consider both options. What I decide, will impact in my, her and my 10 months old son’s life.

I accept, of course, any kind of advice.

Thank you all.
Leonardo.


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## colotnk (Feb 3, 2012)

I am one of those 'realists' that believe that love is very important but not enough to make a successful marriage. It sounds like you don't even have that. She doesn't seem to love you and if she does she has a very funny way of showing it. My personal opinions are that you two got married for the wrong reason.

At the very least, you have huge communication problems. Have you considered marriage counseling? For the sake of your son, I would try a few sessions of therapy individually or together. And if things are not better I'd consider divorce.

Your mother-in-law seems like a very wise and fair woman. I would solicit her help in dealing with your wife.


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## diasflacleo (Aug 16, 2012)

Thank you colotnk. Yes, I do agree with you when you said we married for the wrong reason.

I appreciate so much your analysis and your advices as well...

I will take the marriage counseling sessions and also I will talk to her mother soon...

I am impressed. You have a sharp sense of analysis. You are right!! Her mother has a strong feeling of justice and always have helped me through with her wisdom and advices.

Thank you very much for reading all the post!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She's never loved you, and has merely been using you. Regardless of whether you regain your feelings for her, this is your life (at best). Do yourself a favor and face reality now.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

diasflacleo said:


> Then her mother asked her: “My daughter, do you like Leo enough to live with him as couple?”
> 
> SHE SAID NOTHING.... SHE WAS SILENT and turned her face.
> 
> I knew she did not love me but she liked me and then, the opportunity to show her that I was a worthy, loveable man has come and I embraced it. I had an objective that was going to make her love me through my actions. we got married on September, 2011. 2 months before our beloved son was born.


In my first marriage, I thought I could overcome anything by my own actions. It turned out to be false. You can only control how you feel and how you act. Naive? Sure but lot's of us have been there.




diasflacleo said:


> Well, I am a romantic guy... I gave her flowers, make up ( I even learned a little about it to buy her good brands and impress her), clothes... I invested in her professional career. Gastronomy. I helped her in her University tasks and studies.
> 
> Well I did everything I could to make her love me. But she almost always was cold and treated me bad. She is the angry type, and she explodes if she dislikes something. I showed her how sad and painful her actions and attitudes were to me. But she did not care...


Yea that effort has to be reciprocated or it'll make you resentful and she will confuse romance and effort for emotional weakness. 



diasflacleo said:


> ...to write her a letter. The idea was great, I wrote down everything that I was unhappy about so, I could not forget anything...
> I gave her the letter and... guess what? She did not read nor wanted to read... She said it was stupidity to write her a letter. My stomach froze, that cold feeling...
> Well, I insisted and she resisted in not reading, then I decided to read out loud to her...
> 
> ...


I would say she's already checked out but it sounds like she never checked in. Again your effort and emotion may be confused with weakness to her.




diasflacleo said:


> NOW I ASK YOU MY FRIENDS:
> 
> - HAVE YOU EVER STOPPED LOVING SOMEONE AND RE-IGNITE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE?
> 
> ...


Okay to the real stuff. I think you will realize that you have loved who you wanted her to be so I do not think you will or have ever loved her.

I think you can realize that you respect and admire a person and start to love them again but to be honest I can see anything respectable about her based on what you've said.

I think you always follow logic first and heart second. Logic says she does not and has not loved you and therefore it would be detrimental and demoralizing to not just cut your losses.

She really has not been incredibly deceiving from what I gather. I think you may have been trying to fix her and make her love you which It seems she does not. Do not become a doormat please.

Good luck.


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## diasflacleo (Aug 16, 2012)

Thanks PBear...It helped me a lot. 
I tried to make her love me through my actions, but I did not work at all. I feel sad and frustrated about this because, I have some male friends that treats their wives really bad, cheat on them, scream and argue in front of others, and guess what... I HEARD THEIR WIVES SAYING " I love you" and I can see in their expressions that they really mean it....

I treat the opposite my wife. Respect her, help her with house-working, with her studies, and I get disrespect, I have my loyalty questioned, no caress nor a single drop of affection...

There is no logic nor a plain understanding in this.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Read up on the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Guide". They may serve you well in future relationships, if not this one.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

diasflacleo said:


> Once, her mother came to us and said:
> 
> Then her mother asked her: “My daughter, do you like Leo enough to live with him as couple?”
> 
> ...


You can't make someone love you. And most that go into a marriage hoping the other person's feeling will change, it never changes. Some do work out but that's asking for alot IMO.

I think her mom knew already and was giving you a chance to not make a mistake before it was too late.

Get divorced but just be a part of your kids life.


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## diasflacleo (Aug 16, 2012)

Thundarr I will tell you... I have read somewhere that many women don't like sentimental guys like me... it was what you said, being tough for some women are more manly than being sentimental.

When I was dating her... for 3 time she wanted to break up (when she was not pregnant)

I suffered a lot because I was really attached to my feelings...
Slowly I leaned how to deal with my feelings... I got a little tough and strict to her sometimes, like my friends to their wives...

And THE RESULTS WERE GREAT. SHE respected me more. But I notice that I had to be tough, and scream like her and act with authority to be heard... and that was changing my personality.

I decided not to be like her and tried to find another way to show her that she had a fine man at her side.

I AM NOT THE BEST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD , but compared to the majority, I am good. really good. I helped her all the time I could, Taught her what I could. Helped her in many ways.

But you are right I tried to fix ( and I still am) her life. I do not want to be a life fixer forever.

But at least I have tried to set things right.


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

I think if real love and respect was once there, it could be rekindled if you both want that and work hard together...but it sounds like you both married in haste, because she was pregnant and to escape her family...recipe for disaster really. It doesn't sound like she ever loved you.

You are young and deserve to be loved and cared for the way you tried to love her, which was admirable but you cant make anyone love you.

You need to talk with her and both be very honest about your true feelings. Staying together for the sake of your son will only make you resent each other more.

Unless there are huge changes especially from her, i don't see you staying together. 

She could fall in love with you if she opened her heart to you and made a lot of effort in making a real relationship with you.

You seem like a decent guy, good luck.


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## diasflacleo (Aug 16, 2012)

Cheating hubby, I tried because I thought that I could make her fall in love with me...but the person I was and still am, I thought that it would be an easy task. 

All I needed was time and opportunity. I though that at least.

But now after all this time suffering in her hands, I realize that you are right... It was like colotnk said...

"Marrying for the wrong reason"..

Thanks for your opinion. It helped me a lot.


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## diasflacleo (Aug 16, 2012)

Thanks Franc... I am really trying to be worthy of your words... I always tried to be a fair man, and a good hearted guy.

I see your point... you are right... both, man and woman must play their roles equally in a marriage.

I really feel that I am not and never was important to her.

I tried to be a good guy again, playing the husband hero.
But it did not work.

This is my second marriage.... the first I marry to save my ex-wife life? can you believe it? it lasted 5 years but this is another story.

Well I thank you all of you for your precious words, opinions, advices and experience sharing...

I feel a lot better now!! ^_^ thanks to you all.

I will try to solve this as soon as I can.

Thank you guys.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Dias. You don't need to change who you are. You can still be sentimental but make sure you are respectful to yourself and that you have rules and boundaries regarding how you let others treat you.

Sentimental guy that stands up for himself, his friends, and what he believes in would be a catch for many good girls. As soon as you let a girl treat you bad even if she's misguided or wishes she didn't then she loses respect for you because you didn't take up for yourself.


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## diasflacleo (Aug 16, 2012)

Yes... Thundarr... this is a valuable advice and warning.
Limiting rules and boundaries! That's it.

In a long long time I have dedicated my time, money, efforts, labor, attention to her... but now... things will change. FOR BETTER!!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Don't take this the wrong way, but really consider the material I mentioned. And you don't have to be abusive to not be a nice guy. You just have to stand up for yourself. It's even more effective when you can do it without "screaming", I think.

Also, consider some form of counseling for yourself. The only common part of the two failed marriages is yourself. Your "people picker" is broken, or you need to change the way you deal with your partners (or both). Do some research on co-dependent relationships.

Good luck!

C


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

PBear said:


> Read up on the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Guide". They may serve you well in future relationships, if not this one.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:smthumbup:


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You are a Good Guy, you are a Nice Guy. You are NOT the man that she wants. Divorce this woman and find someone that loves you for who you are. You made a mistake, I did too, but now its over and I have moved on, you can too.Live is to short to put up with this treatment. I am sorry for you, but you must look out for youself before she really puts the hurt on you!


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## diasflacleo (Aug 16, 2012)

Yes... The first marriage, she was really younger than me. ( She was 18) and she noticed that she was too young to be married... 

This time, I was left behind.

And this is second married is about to end. I want to finish this time.


I already thought about what you said PBear...about the problem being me... I also considered that too. 

even though I am 30, I started thinking that I don't have ALL that it takes to be married. I think I am to soft and flexible with girls.
and they end up misunderstanding and treating me bad.

I am maturing along the years.

My family keeps saying that I am perfect match.(Family always thinks we are perfect). My female cousins and my sister says that almost every Brazilian woman wants a guy like me, even them... ( I think they say that to cheer me up). 

My sister says that I have a "rotten finger" to point and choose woman for me... lol. Well she's older and experienced and more, she is also a woman, so I take what she says into consideration.

I did not have many relationships before my wife.

I had my first girlfriend when I was 18, my second girlfriend (my -ex wife) when I was 21 and my 3rd girlfriend when I was 28 (now my wife).

This may explain a little my immaturity when it comes to relationships.

I have friends that had 3 girlfriends in a year. 

But whatever, I still want to hear a counselor. I think this is the last shot and I will observe carefully my wife's wishes and desires to be with me.


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## diasflacleo (Aug 16, 2012)

Hey David, buddy... thanks for sharing it...
You passed through it too, right? thanks for your advice.

I worry and care about her but not as a husband, but more as friend I guess. I have made a plan for us (me, her and our son), but she ruined. 

She is not working, which means that I was paying for her studies.
I even intend to keep paying her studies until she graduates (That was a promise I did to myself) if we get divorced because I want her to have a good job too and she will be able to raise our child in my absence.

(I am not saying that I am better because I am working and she is not. She does an average job as a mother and she takes care of our child, since it is a 10 month old baby).

She made me suffer but I do not share any negative feeling for her.
I forgave her, but my heart is closed for her as a wife.

Negative feelings is bad for me so I decide to let them go.

She showed some changes this week. Now she kisses me (see? she did not even kissed me and this is bad for a couple), she hugs me and she is giving me attention. She is being kind too...

I feel strange around her, like I never met her...

It is like a natural rejection... my heart rejects her and I try to work my mind to accept her...

THIS IS CRAZY! I feel bad and confuse.

Tomorrow I am going to the counselor and the weekend too.

But no changes at all in my heart. I feel like it is already decided...

I will go to the counselor with an opened mind, but closed heart.
It is complicated to deal with this and it is my first time trying to do this.

Thanks again everyone.


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## diasflacleo (Aug 16, 2012)

I come here to thank all of you who have helped me through your advices, analysis and point of views...

I really have thought a lot about things lately and I am here to tell you my decision.

I will get divorced. Things got clear in my mind and in my heart and that is the best to do.

My suffering ceased. All the pain and that heavy duty I took off my shoulders.

I don't feel in peace in a long long time... It feels really good.
No one to bring you down, no one to complain about the things you do for her, no one to show coldness and bitter feelings to you, no one to make you feel guilty, no one to make you feel unwanted nor worthless. 

I am in peace and I have learned a lot with this relationship.

THANK YOU ALL LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.


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## colotnk (Feb 3, 2012)

diasflacleo said:


> I come here to thank all of you who have helped me through your advices, analysis and point of views...
> 
> I really have thought a lot about things lately and I am here to tell you my decision.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the update. Best of luck to you!


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