# do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys?



## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys?*

Long story short..... A guy at school (my lab partner), for some weird reason thought I was interested in him. He spread rumors all over, saying we were a couple etc. When I realized this, I confronted him and told him never to even show me his face. I thought that was the end of the story...... ..... ..... (In 2005)

A year later, I met another guy (apparently my lab partner's friend). He seemed very nice, caring and showed a lot of respect towards my opinions and principles. We even discussed about who horrible his friends behavior was. He agreed it was his friend's mistake. But asked me to forgive him, credited his actions to adolescence. I told him I was very hurt but I will think over.... ... ... (In 2006)

After few months, out of the blue he proposed to me one day. I was shocked initially. But somewhere deep inside, I knew I had a soft corner for him. so I said yes. He kissed me. We planned about talking with our parents and getting officially engaged. He comes back to me the next day and says he was sorry, he was only playing with my emotions ... just for revenge, because I hurt his friend. I was devastated. I told him, I really liked him. I asked him, if he never felt the sincerity in my emotions. He replied, "yes and that is the only reason I am confessing now. I don't want to hurt you more. Lets just be strangers from now"...

I just couldn't recover. He was the one I used to cook for daily and we used to have every meal together. Suddenly I felt like the world is empty. I couldn't forget him for a second. I did not understand why was it happening to me? What did I do? 

FYI, lil' bit info about me, I am an international student pursuing my PhD. All alone, away from home.

I requested him to at least be my friend till I cope up with the situation. But every time he came to visit me, he started saying emotional things like "I love you, but I cannot meet your standards" "I care about you, so I am leaving you" etc. And one unfortunate day we had sex. I was a virgin till then. I strongly wanted my husband to be my first one and the only one. So I decided whatever happens he will be the only one for me. I did not ask him for any commitment. Just kept quiet. Kept the guilt all for myself. 

Things continued in the similar fashion, some days he would come home drunk...he would tell me he came to me only for sex. He never loved me. I decided to just hang in there and see what god choose for me. I did not plan anything so far...It was all god's plan so far. I was always sincere so far.

Slowly he started changing. He stopped smoking and drank rarely. He started showing love and concern towards me. He said he loved me and he is ready for serious commitment. He said he was sorry for his mistakes so far. He wanted to get married to me. I was very happy. I thanked god for making it happen. 

In the year end, we went to our home country. Met our parents. His parents were very happy with me. My parents had a lot of objections. They said he was not the right guy for me. I was more qualified, in terms of education and more secured financially etc. But I convinced them, I will be happy with him. they finally agreed. We were supposed to get engaged in our next visit.

We came back to USA to continue our studies. All my friends at school thought we were the cutest couple. They called us "made for each other". Everything was fine until one day, when I sent him a "IM" on google chat about a small fight we has last night. After sending him the message, I felt its better I talk to him in person rather than the "IM", so I logged into his email and wanted to delete my message. 

I noticed in his chat archive he was still in touch with that guy friend. And they were talking about other girls. Very indecent stuff about girls and their private parts. I had no clue my fiance was taking other girls to disco and dancing with them in the most inappropriate manner. He was also taking pride in sharing his stories with this friend. 

I did not know how to react. But I had to take a stand. So I confronted him and he denied. I showed him his chat archive. He confessed. He said there was only little truth in the chat. He made most of the other stuff to make it interesting for his friend. I felt disgusted. In spite of knowing about our commitment, he so called friend was encouraging him to cheat on me....

I told my fiance to pack his bag and leave. I told him it was over. But he cried the whole day and begged me to give him another chance. He even promised to start avoiding that friend and gradually throw him out from our lives. I gave in...I loved him way too much to forgive all his mistakes.

We got married in feb 2009. I did not check his chat archive again. But past 2-3 months I noticed some change in him. Whenever I spoke to his mom or sis, they would ask me about that guy, whom they call his childhood friend etc. I always felt bad and hurt when they spoke about him and my husband would never even try to change the topic. I painfully tolerated the conversation.

I looked into his chat again to see why his name is coming up so often these days. The fact is he was getting married now. And he apparently treats my husband as his "guide" for a happy relationship. He has been seeking active advice from him. I did not like it but decided to give my husband his space, so I did not confront him this time. 

I continued to check in regularly on the chat, to make sure he was not being negatively influenced by his friend. Last week, I was shocked to read a chat transcript. My husband was sharing our 'bedroom" stuff with his friend. He was describing about our sex experiences and incidents to his friend.

I am devastated. I feel cheated. My trust is broken. I don't know what to do. I cannot imagine why on earth did he do this to me. I feel like he has stripped me naked in front of a third person. I cannot trust him anymore. I am feeling cold when he touches me. I am not even talking to him in the bedroom anymore. I talk normally in front of my family. I don't want them to know about this.

What do I do? Should I forgive him again? I don't want to break up. But how do I survive this relationship. Time and time he breaks my trust. Please advice.


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

Sorry, it ended up as a long story....


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## Crazzy PR Mom (May 1, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

HI Dr. Betrayed 
It sounds like your setting your self up for more disappointment. Your Husbands loyalties lie with his friend not with you. I would never recommend for someone to brake up or divorce but you clearly need to make a stand. In marrying you he made a pack and he is clearly braking it. He should respect your feelings and also let his own family know that he is not an appropriate topic when you are present. Don't be afraid to let them know yourself. you are an intelligent educated woman. Know who you are and never question the respect that you deserve. You have been very kind to your husband in dealing with this jerk friend of his. Let him how you feel stand up for yourself if he doesn't respect you than let him know you are not afraid to move on!!!!!!


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

Thank you for the reply!

I know I should leave... My mind insists on never forgiving him again. But what do I do about this stupid heart? 

I don't think I will ever rest in peace. 

I keep questioning myself, why me? Why didn't I deserve a happy marriage? I tried everything I could. I put in a lot of efforts for this relationship to work. 

I am starting to lose hope. I am having nightmares, I feel like he is stripping me infront of the crowd. I am wondering with whom else did he discuss about our private life. Maybe everyone knows about what I do or what I don't do.....

More than anger, it is about the broken trust...
I probably will never trust him again!


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys?*

I want to know if guys think its ok to discuss with friends about your intimate bedroom incidents without the knowledge of your wife. Specifically with your best guy friend, who had lust over your wife in the past.

Isn't that breaking trust? Do u think your wife can ever come close to you again, when she knows you probably might be describing it to a third person?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

I'm missing something, what is your concern?

I'm assuming you know the details because the friend who had the hots for you, told you about the discussion?

Yes, men discuss sex with their partners. At least I certainly have. It was never done in a bragging, or disrespectful way. If you have a good sex life with your spouse, generally friends are envious. If your sex life isn't doing well, talking to your friends to get a reality check can help your perspective.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

Move on

Don't

Move on

Don't

If we didn't have anything else to talk about.

Guys are stupid, I know this because I'm one of them.

Immaturity is our strongest feature.

Our fondness for grossness is where all man jokes come from.

Our Ego is larger than any planet.

But one redeeming quality all men have, we don't give up our friends. Most men are fiercely loyal to their man friends, almost to the point of giving up their wives or girlfriends.

It maybe a stupid saying, but, "women may come and go but we are blood friends for life"

Gotta understand that state of mind to understand him.


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## dawnie (Nov 17, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

Sometimes the brain must overrule the heart. When it is time to do that is up for each person to decide. 

Some boundaries ought never to be broken. Intimacy between partners is one of those things. When trust has been broken it is very, very difficult to ever rebuild it again. 

What to do? Nobody can answer that. Only you can decide what to do. 

Just remember one thing: WE TRAIN PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US. 

So ask yourself. Are you his door mat to be abused and trampled on? Or are you a strong, intelligent, well-educated woman who has her own backbone?


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

I confronted him other night. He reacted in a very bad tone. He said snooping into his chat was my bad. He wants me to understand how difficult it is for him to keep his friend away from him.
He says 
"I know you for 9 nine years, but I know my friend for 25 years." "I agree he hurt you and you don't approve him, but how am I supposed to ditch him?"
"I love you so I chose not to talk to him in front of you, what more do you expect from me?"
" Why don't you give me my space?"
" Just because I have this one friend, am I a bad husband to you? What about all the other things I do for you?"
"will you judge me on just this aspect?"


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

"Will you judge me on just this aspect?"

YES.

And the trust issue too. Make him show you EVERYTHING he does - every password, every chat session, every email.

A husband and wife should not keep messages with other people a secret.

You need to get on top of this.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*



Sven said:


> "Will you judge me on just this aspect?"
> 
> YES.
> 
> ...


I don't agree with this at all. Everyone deserves a level of privacy. While I agree that anything that is asked should be answered, it's hard for me to fathom a life that does not allow you to speak your mind. What if he has a problem in his marriage that he wants to talk about with someone else? Should she be able to snoop and read or listen in to that conversation? If she wanted to sound some frustration off of one of her girl friends, should he be able to read or listen to that conversation? I just don't think so...


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

In typical marriages I would venture to bet that the wife talks with her girlfriends about their sex life much more often than the men do.

I know I don't really talk about my sex life with any of my friends, but my wife does. I actually encourage it because if she's thinking/talking about sex the better for me, especially since I'm the one with a higher libido.


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

You have put yourself in this position by telling your husband who he can and can not have as a friend. Sure this friend is a bit of a [email protected]#k-head but he is a lifelong friend. If it makes you feel any better, he chose you even though he sure as hell took crap from his friend. If you remove the "friend restriction" your H will not have to go behind your back to maintain his friendship. As far as his family, they have every right to talk to your husband about his friend. You need to get over the thing that happened with your former lab partner (tough as it may be) as he is an important part of your husbands social network. Imagine how empowered you will feel when you can look at this guy and not give him the power over your emotions.

I have a couple of friends my wife is not that fond of but she would never ask me not to be friends with them. She has a couple of friends that I can not stand to be honest but I would not ask her to not be friends with them either. One of them even tried to get her to contact an old boyfriend upon hearing of his impending divorce. My wife politely said that her friend needed to respect our marriage even if the friend was not my biggest fan just as I respect thier friendship even though I dont particularly like the friend. That set the boundry/maintained the friendship and the boundry has never been crossed again In fact we are starting to do things together as couples and even getting along.

In order to maintain a strong marriage you must also be strong individuals that have interests outside of the marrriage. This may include friends, hobbies, work etc... That being said, it is up to you to set and negotiate boundries. Your H crossed that line by speaking of your sex-life with another. However, had you ever told him that that was not acceptable? Look, I am a member of the male species. We love to brag! In his mind he was showing off both his ego and your prowess in the sack. 

It shows a level of immaturity on his part to not realize that he is crossing the line so you will have to be proactive with what is acceptable behavior. It is part of the deal when you marry young. We guys take a little longer to grow up. I just dont think you end your marriage because your husband has a friend you do not like and feel screwed with your mind. Take back your power!! Show this friend of your husband that you are a bigger more mature person. An Adult if you will. Keep a healthy eye on his behavior until he matures a bit but trust him to chose his friends. Rember your his wife not his mother.


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## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

I'm sorry I was under the impression that all men talk that way with eachother. About past and current encounters, your name may be mentioned or they may refer to you loosely as "one time, this girl/woman/lady/chick and I ....."

I thought thats just what they do. Women do it too. Some things you keep to yourself but your best friend just MIGHT know close to all (no one knows all)!!

As far as the friendship goes its better for you to let him make that decision on his own. Don't try to come between a man and his friend/family....let them make that on their own because relationships come and go, its not fair for you to make him choose.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*



Dancing Nancie said:


> I don't agree with this at all. Everyone deserves a level of privacy. While I agree that anything that is asked should be answered, it's hard for me to fathom a life that does not allow you to speak your mind. What if he has a problem in his marriage that he wants to talk about with someone else? Should she be able to snoop and read or listen in to that conversation? If she wanted to sound some frustration off of one of her girl friends, should he be able to read or listen to that conversation? I just don't think so...


If there was trust in the relationship, then it wouldn't be an issue. But since there isn't - nothing can be hidden. And if a friendship is interferring with the marriage then yes it must stop.

She doesn't get to control her husband's life, but he doesn't get to treat her like a doormat either. If he respected her and earned her trust then she wouldn't have a problem with this friend (I'm guessing) even given the past.


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*



Dancing Nancie said:


> What if he has a problem in his marriage that he wants to talk about with someone else? Should she be able to snoop and read or listen in to that conversation? If she wanted to sound some frustration off of one of her girl friends, should he be able to read or listen to that conversation? I just don't think so...


There was never a problem in our marriage. He spoke about our life, to give an example to his friend. His friend was having problem in his life and My husband told him how we deal with our problems. In general I would not have objected...but here they were speaking about something very "precious" and private to me. Somethings in life have to shared only with your spouse. If friends and family are more/equally important than wife, why do you think bible says "leave and cleave"

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh…" (Genesis 2 verse 24)

This friend of his tried to break our relationship by encouraging my husband to cheat on me. Isn't a friend suppose to bring out the best in you. I don't even feel like calling him a friend. 

Above all, when you talk about snooping...doesn't a mom/dad snoop on their kids? to know if they are on the right path....or do they do it because they don't trust the kid??? 

He cheated on me earlier...I forgave him, but I do trust him, but I don't trust that other guy!!! 

Am I wrong?


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

A very small question..... can you befriend a guy who raped your wife? He didnot do it physically, but yes psychologically. 
He told people we are living together. People thought I wasn't virgin...It hurt me terribly.
I cannot digest the fact that he has the right to peep into my bedroom.

I asked my husband, would you befriend him, if he did the same thing to your sister (unaware of the fact that she is your kin) ? He had no answer....
Is there any guy who can answer my question honestly ....
" can you befriend a guy who raped your wife?"


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

the problem here is that you are WAY overreacting. He did not rape you in any way. And to equate some jerks lies about you to rape is an insult to all of the woman that have actually been raped. Shame on you!!! So some immature jerk lied. Tell the truth and call him on his BS. Me thinks we have another drama lover on TAM.

Like I said you and your H have to set some boundries which you are having some trouble with due to immaturity but, you can get there. Just some advice(for what it is worth) you need to grow a thicker skin. If you are still so devistated by some jerks lies from 6 years ago that you feel raped, than life is going to be one very long unhappy trip for you my dear.


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*



kirkster5 said:


> the problem here is that you are WAY overreacting. He did not rape you in any way. And to equate some jerks lies about you to rape is an insult to all of the woman that have actually been raped. Shame on you!!! So some immature jerk lied. Tell the truth and call him on his BS. Me thinks we have another drama lover on TAM.
> 
> Like I said you and your H have to set some boundries which you are having some trouble with due to immaturity but, you can get there. Just some advice(for what it is worth) you need to grow a thicker skin. If you are still so devistated by some jerks lies from 6 years ago that you feel raped, than life is going to be one very long unhappy trip for you my dear.


I did not mean any offense. I am sorry if I hurt you. 
To me losing my virginity (at least in the looks of other people) meant a rape. Because of that jerk, people thought I wasn't virgin. Maybe you are elder to me and seen way more in life than me. But I was only trying to say I felt like that. 

It wasn't mere lie...I faced consequences because of it. Staying all alone, in a new country, with around 200-250 people thinking I am not chaste. Guys looking at me, like they can probably have a second chance with me.... 
That jerk framed me really well....everyone believed him. And later when I asked him to never show his face to me....people thought I was the one with the fault. They said I played with his emotions and ditched him. While the truth was ... I was deceived. We never were a couple.

I had no proof to prove my innocence. Having to face all this, at an age when virginity was considered very "precious" ... given only to that spl. person in your life........ May be that's just what my husband thought of me too in the beginning.... Later on he learnt about my innocence but if he did not...then I don't think he would have married me. I would have lost my love for that one lie....... 

Excuse me for asking that question...

Maybe you find my pain tolerable.... But I am not a drama lover.....


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*



kirkster5 said:


> the problem here is that you are WAY overreacting. He did not rape you in any way. And to equate some jerks lies about you to rape is an insult to all of the woman that have actually been raped. Shame on you!!! So some immature jerk lied. Tell the truth and call him on his BS. Me thinks we have another drama lover on TAM.
> 
> Like I said you and your H have to set some boundries which you are having some trouble with due to immaturity but, you can get there. Just some advice(for what it is worth) you need to grow a thicker skin. If you are still so devistated by some jerks lies from 6 years ago that you feel raped, than life is going to be one very long unhappy trip for you my dear.


If you haven't figured it out, the OP does not appear to be from a western nation. There are some places in this world where a woman not remaining a virgin until marriage carries very real consequences, up to and including death. If you're raised in those countries, there is extremely strong socialization to maintain virgin and the appearance of it. Having her repuation slandered was more than "just a little" offensive to her, it was probably quite frightening. 

That being said, I think the OP is not understanding how less serious the entire matter of virginity and sex is taken here. She's reacting to it all as if it was happening in your own country, when it's happening here. There are major cultral differences apparently.


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*



Atholk said:


> If you haven't figured it out, the OP does not appear to be from a western nation. There are some places in this world where a woman not remaining a virgin until marriage carries very real consequences, up to and including death. If you're raised in those countries, there is extremely strong socialization to maintain virgin and the appearance of it. Having her repuation slandered was more than "just a little" offensive to her, it was probably quite frightening.
> 
> That being said, I think the OP is not understanding how less serious the entire matter of virginity and sex is taken here. She's reacting to it all as if it was happening in your own country, when it's happening here. There are major cultral differences apparently.


Thank you for understanding me....
It surely is happening here ... everyone (Me, DH, Jerk, and other friends and acquaintances I am talking about) involved are from my home country only, 
Mostly everyone (friends / social network) I deal with back home are aware of this. It is not that everyone believed him blindly, he had evidence, He would invite the whole class for his Bday,and but back home he would only share pictures where I was with him, many more things like that..... I could not prove my innocence. It was very frightening all the while ... if my parents got a hint of what was happening here, I probably would have been called back home. I would have discontinue my studies, my career....a cost I would have to pay for that jerk's lie.....
I wish I could be a "roman in Rome"...


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*



Dr.betrayed said:


> There was never a problem in our marriage. He spoke about our life, to give an example to his friend. His friend was having problem in his life and My husband told him how we deal with our problems. In general I would not have objected...but here they were speaking about something very "precious" and private to me. Somethings in life have to shared only with your spouse. If friends and family are more/equally important than wife, why do you think bible says "leave and cleave"
> *Does your husband agree with your position on this? I know that my wife prefers to keep things to herself like you do. We have had adjust because I like to share what happens with me to my friends. We had to establish topics that she did not want me to share. What you consider private he may not.*
> "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh…" (Genesis 2 verse 24)
> 
> ...


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## Mattie J (Sep 1, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

Dr,

If you don't mind me asking, what nationality are the two of you? I realize it probably shouldn't make any difference, but I'm just wondering if there is a major difference in upbringing or how men or women are looked upon in your respective cultures. It certainly sounds as if he is not at all sensitive to your feelings and you're not at all sensitive to his privacy. Trust issues definitely have a stranglehold on this relationship.


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

i really appreciate your reply Dancing Nancie. 
After a lot of introspect, I could see what you are talking about about. I realized I am having trust issues. I wish to work on it.... I would really like some advice on rebuilding the broken trust...


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

I am from America but grew up in a very religious Christian home where virginity was a huge thing...and I'm a man.

I had something similar once where a friend of my sister's got upset that I rejected her when it came to having full out sex (she wanted to, I stopped it) so she started rumors all around school that I did things that I never did, and didn't even do in the future until I was married.

I was questioned by many of my Christian friends, etc and all I could do was deny it, I had no proof one way or the other. 

I would hope my wife would not become friends with said girl, so I can see your point.

However, I also believe you might be blowing some of this out of proportion.

Yes, he should choose between the friend and you, but guys will talk to their friends about sex most of the time, so even if he leaves that friend and eventually gets another, he might still talk about sex with you.


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*



revitalizedhusband said:


> Yes, he should choose between the friend and you, but guys will talk to their friends about sex most of the time, so even if he leaves that friend and eventually gets another, he might still talk about sex with you.


It never occurred to me, someone out there in the world would be in the same situation as I am. I will pray ... your spouse will stand by you always and be empathetic towards your pain. 

It is just that I can never trust that friend. I feel like he must have visualized me.... with him again..... Terrible thoughts keep pounding over my mind.....
I surely would be would not have minded if he spoke to someone I trust too. I might be a lil uncomfortable. But would have understood his "need" to talk.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

Oh I'm perfectly "fine" with what happened in the past. My wife knows the truth (that I waited for her) and my family does, after that anyone else doesn't matter to me.

It just sucked at the time.


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## Terra (Nov 14, 2009)

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Some relationships from our past or present can be distructive or toxic to our married relationship. IMHO the couple needs to decide together whom they are going to remain friends, that is, if it becomes an issue between the couple. An outside friendship should not be at one or the other spouses expense. Sure maybe "Dr betrayed" has her own vulnerabilities that she needs to work on, but her husband needs to respect her feelings and support her and not allow this so-called friend to interfere with his relationship with Dr betrayed. The marriage union needs to be actively protected. 
Quotes from "Boundaries in Marriage":
"A marriage is only as stong as what it costs to protect it." "A triagulation occurs when a spouse brings in a thrid party for unhealthy reasons." "Triangulation betrays trust and fractures unions." "a gossip separates close friends" "A wife who has trouble learning to trust others, for example, will have great difficulty investing in her husband if he is kinder to other people than to her or if he discusses with friends what she shares in private with him."


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

I had a girlfriend when I was a virgin accuse me of rape.
We did have sex,it was my first time.I told my then best friend,who told his best friend,who told his best friend,who told his best friend,who told his best friend,who told his best friend....see a pattern?

It mentally castrated me.
I had NOT raped her.How is it rape when she puts you into her?

Anyway I understand a bit where you are coming from Dr.betrayed.
If he is giving details to his buddy,rather then just saying "hey I lost my virginity" like I did with my "Best Friend" I never gave details.His best friend might as well be in the bedroom with you two if he is telling him in detail how/what way/what you look like etc..

You can find empowerment from this.
IF his buddy is getting all the juicy xxx rated details,know that his buddy is probably really envious of your husband.Also ask your husband if he enjoys feeding his perverted friends sexual fantasies.Ask your husband if he likes the thought of his buddy thinking about sleeping with his wife.Because if he is kissing and telling in detail,the buddy/friend is definitely thinking about this. 

This may be enough to get him to stop.

I do not share my wife like this with anyone...but my wife.
Any previous love life encounters I have had,the only person I have told has been my wife,I tell her the xxx details because she has a right to know.

I have never bragged in detail with other guys,if I did brag it was a "I got lucky last night" type comment and that was it.With the exception of when I lost my Virginity,I told my buddies I was no longer a Virgin.That was the mistake,because loose lips sink ships.
So when she screamed rape for fear of looking like a tramp,the ship sank to the bottom of the ocean.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*



Tweak said:


> I had a girlfriend when I was a virgin accuse me of rape.
> We did have sex,it was my first time.I told my then best friend,who told his best friend,who told his best friend,who told his best friend,who told his best friend,who told his best friend....see a pattern?
> 
> It mentally castrated me.
> ...


Your story is the other main reason I was a virgin until I got married. I had moral/religious reasons, but man i was always deathly scared of the "girl crying rape" scenario.

Heck, even in my story above the girl that spread the rumors also spread that I semi-forced her to do it.

With today's legal system, in rape cases the man is guilty until proven innocent, I wanted no part of that, any woman can cry rape at any time.

I'm not trying to downplay real rape situations at all, heck, my wife was date raped when she was a teenager. But there are far too many cases of someone "crying rape" when it wasn't even close to that scenario.

All it does is ruin the guys reputation while possibly putting him in jail/getting arrested (FYI, even if the charges are dropped, a rape arrest shows up forever on your record), as well as ruin the girls reputation as a complete liar, but thats all she gets out of it. There are no repercusions for filing false rape claims.


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*



Terra said:


> "A marriage is only as stong as what it costs to protect it." "A triagulation occurs when a spouse brings in a thrid party for unhealthy reasons." "Triangulation betrays trust and fractures unions." "a gossip separates close friends" "A wife who has trouble learning to trust others, for example, will have great difficulty investing in her husband if he is kinder to other people than to her or if he discusses with friends what she shares in private with him."


How I wish my husband can read these lines....
I am wondering if things will ever be better... 

Being a dependent is a curse for any human I guess ... How do I survive on a guy's earning when he doesn't love and respect me.... 
Wish I had a job......


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*



Tweak said:


> His best friend might as well be in the bedroom with you two if he is telling him in detail how/what way/what you look like etc..
> 
> You can find empowerment from this.
> IF his buddy is getting all the juicy xxx rated details,know that his buddy is probably really envious of your husband.Also ask your husband if he enjoys feeding his perverted friends sexual fantasies.Ask your husband if he likes the thought of his buddy thinking about sleeping with his wife.Because if he is kissing and telling in detail,the buddy/friend is definitely thinking about this.
> ...


Been there...
he feels l am exaggerating the issues. He believes his friend will always respect his wife. According to him his friend will only learn from our exp. but will never lust me. 
What that jerk did was .... past...when I wasn't my husband's wife....
so I should not judge his friend by the past rather I should treat him as a new person, someone my husband trusts a lot ....


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

@Atholk-I was going to say something along the lines you said.This forum is all over not just the U.S....I was late to the thread and you wrote it very well.I also got side tracked when I responded above and thought I would discuss this a bit more to educate Americans.

Virginity has very strict rules for women in some countries,the penalties for not being Chaste can be death.Usually by stoning.Even if the woman was raped.It is really sad and terrible.Some of these countries also practice female circumcision (Clitoris removal),its very brutal and barbaric.They can and do,in this day and age,sew a woman shut to prevent penetration until marriage at which time she would be ripped open by her husband. 

So the OP being from a country that could practice any of the above,knowing that it would not matter if it was a rape or consensual sex.Knowing the punishments that could happen if her virginity was questioned.I would be scared to.
This puts it into a bit of a different light.
Now her husband is "sharing" things that would make most ladies uncomfortable in the best of times with a man/boy that could have caused her the worst of times. 
Her husbands best friend could have caused her....Death...disfigurement...pain and suffering....and lets not forget her education.
Yeah I would not be particularly wanting him invited to Turkey dinner either,would you?

If you are from a country that practices such things,tell your husband IN DETAIL about what this "friend" almost cost you.There are numerous web sites with documented case studies of genital mutilation.Take him to a site with a few and show him the horror to really drive the point across.
Then explain/tell him why you dislike his "friend","this is what he almost did to me."
I am serious,anyone that can see a full female circumcision and not shed a tear for the woman in the picture is heartless.


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*



Tweak said:


> If you are from a country that practices such things,tell your husband IN DETAIL about what this "friend" almost cost you.There are numerous web sites with documented case studies of genital mutilation.Take him to a site with a few and show him the horror to really drive the point across.
> Then explain/tell him why you dislike his "friend","this is what he almost did to me."


By god's grace I am not from such a part of the world. 

I honestly believe "virginity" is not gender related. My family will surely expect me to be chaste, but will never even dream of hurting me because of some jerk;s deeds.....

I am hurt that society judged me on fabricated truth. It would have defamed my family...because I had no proof.

I am hurt that my husband doesn't understand my pain....


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

Finally I discussed the issue with my parents and in-laws. 
They insisted he cut-off his friendship....not sure of his response yet 

They are all disappointed my husband made me tolerate all this for such a long time. My in-laws espl are feeling bad they spoke about that jerk for so long and caused me in pain.

Hopefully, my husband will listen to his parents....

But somewhere bottom in my heart lies a concern.... is he doing this for his parents,or his image? or is it really for me? Did he realize his mistake? 
How do i know?


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*



Crazzy PR Mom said:


> Don't be afraid to let them know yourself. you are an intelligent educated woman. Know who you are and never question the respect that you deserve.


Thank you for the advice "Crazzy PR Mom"
It helped me take a stand for myself!


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

quote-"Finally I discussed the issue with my parents and in-laws."

Good.. At the very least it is comforting that His mom and dad understand where you are coming from.This may make it sink into his head that he was destroying your trust in him and undermining the relationship.

Glad you stood up and decided to act. 

It would be a bit different if it was someone completely different from the jerk that said all those bad things.Still not OK to "kiss and tell" though.I do not feel the need to go around bragging about shagging my wife.Your married and sex goes along with it.However sometimes one does need sex advice about certain things and talking to friends can help.
He was crossing a line talking to this jerk that tried to dishonor you.


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*



Dr.betrayed said:


> But somewhere bottom in my heart lies a concern.... is he doing this for his parents,or his image? or is it really for me? Did he realize his mistake?
> How do i know?


Seems like its coming back again.
On 4th, He promised his mom he would make her proud. He said he will be a good husband. He said he will try to break his friendship with the other guy.
On 7th, He went to the counselor, to share his problems and seek her advice in order to rebuild the trust between us.
He told me the friendship is over last week.

I was in the process of healing myself, and but he was keen on getting physical. Seeing the changes in him, I surrendered to his physical need, even though I wasn't willing. But that night I had a dream that I got pregnant and was crying out aloud. I should actually call it a night mare. 
I realized i was not ready for relationship. He is into a lot of debts and I have no job. Also I am having trust problems with him. At this stage, What if the contraception failed?

Next day I told him about my dream and also told him I am not comfortable with our night incident. He did not reply, but didnot take any initiative for two nights after that. But yesterday he tried it again. He clearly mentioned he only wanted show his love by holding me in his arms, I agreed. But noticed he was working his way again. 

I didnot push him away, but he felt I pushed him away. So he got insulted and turned his back to me. I did not understand what was wrong? I asked him but he did reply. In the morning he turns the blame on me that I didnot explicitly tell him, I am interested sex. That I am playing with his emotions. 

When I tried to explain, he says the counselor told him he is at no fault. I should have understood his friendship. I should have understood the circumstances. I simply could not understand what circumstances led him to dishonor me?
How could the counselor say so?

His parents, my parents, me, his sister, everyone felt that he was wrong. Choosing "culprit" friend over "victim" wife???

He says I should not have spoken about this issue with the family. Now his image is tarnished. And so it's all my fault...

Is he not answerable to the family if he is ruining my life? Is he not answerable to god atleast?


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## Dr.betrayed (Nov 20, 2009)

*Re: do you think husband has the right to share our "private" incidents with his guys*

Last week - A person who cried he was sorry and promised to change for better ... 
Today - ends up saying its was never his fault. He said sorry just to get over the issue. 

"In my heart I know I meant no harm" ... his words

What do I do now? Any advice?


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