# Do you divorce your step kids?



## AnonDad

I got married young and the marriage lasted for about 8 years. My x-wife had a daughter from a previous marriage that I helped rise since she was five. Time has passed since the divorce and I have had some contact with my (x) step daughter. I am always available whenever she wants to reach out and as I have an extra slot on my xbox live account, I let her use that spot so she gets free xbox live access. She has even thanked me for letting her use my xbox account.

I have recently remarried and my wife thinks very strongly that it is entirely inappropriate to maintain a relationship with my x-step daughter. She insists that by allowing her to use my xbox account that I am in some way still supporting her and my wife thinks that is not appropriate. My new wife is saying that by maintaining a connection with my (x) stepdaughter I am somehow not committed to my new marriage.

I feel that my new wife is associating my (x) stepdaughter with my x-wife and I just don’t see it that way. I do not think you divorce your kids or your step kids. I am not sure what to do or if I am completely off base. My (x) step daughter is 18 now and does not even live with her mom anymore. 

Anon


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## LoveAtDaisys

You and your new wife really should have a conversation about this. Why does she feel threatened by your stepdaughter?

It may just be that she doesn't understand how your relationship with your stepdaughter works. I can see where she might think that you use that connection as an excuse to still see your ex-wife. As silly as it might sound, she may also feel threatened by your relationship with a younger woman. Talk to her. Ask her WHY she thinks that your relationship means that you aren't committed.

Has she ever spent time with your stepdaughter? Maybe offer them a girl's night to break the ice, if she's interested.


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## AnonDad

Great question LoveAtDaisys,

I moved to a different state so I never see my (x) stepdaughter or my x-wife. My new wife has no desire to meet my (x) stepdaughter and never has.


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## Tomara

MHO is there is nothing wrong with keeping in touch with the x-stepdaughter. It's not her fault your marriage ended with her mom. Ask you wife how she would feel if the tables were turned and she had a x stepson that looked up to her, what would she do, turn her back on the boy.

I left the door open for both my x step kids to have contact with me. One has choosen to do so even stopped by my house on the way through town to show me their baby. It meant a lot to me. The other x-step daughter is a friend on FB but we were never very close.

Hard to blame a kids for adult decisions.


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## Tomara

AnonDad said:


> Great question LoveAtDaisys,
> 
> I moved to a different state so I never see my (x) stepdaughter or my x-wife. My new wife has no desire to meet my (x) stepdaughter and never has.


Sound like you new wife may be jealous a bit. If they are in another state then she should be really happy! Just give her a little assurance that she is top dog and will remain so.


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## LoveAtDaisys

Yep. I agree with Tomara. There's absolutely no reason for your current wife to worry based on what you've told us, and if she continues to insist you cut off contact I would think you were within rights to let her know she's being a bit unreasonable.


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## Wiltshireman

OP,

This child was a part of your life for 8 years and while you may not have a legal duty to support her or maintain contact I think you do have a moral duty of care that continues despite the marriage ending.

Did you discus this situation with your new wife before you married?


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## Bobby5000

You seem like a nice man. My nephew was devastated when his step-father with whom he had a close relationship disassociated himself with the divorce. It's sad that your ex and new wife are both so insecure that they have no concern for your step-daughter's healthy development and need for healthy male role models.


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## EleGirl

From what you have said, your wife is out of line. 

But it's no unusual for a person to try to cut all children from a pervious marriage out, even blood related ones. And so, since your step daughter is not blood related your wife thinks she has a good excuse to do this.

Do you pay any extra for your step daughter to use your account? 

You need to let your wife know that you will continue your relationship with your step daughter. If you don't, she will use this tactic to control you in other ways as well.


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## LongWalk

You have positive relationship with your ex-D. At some level she is not your ex anything;she is a person in your life who has done you no wrong and your continued affection is a sign of emotional good health.

It will not benefit anyone to destroy the relationship. It will not be good for your wife either, since it sends a bad message to her about who you are. You are not the sort of person who would hurt a step child. 

If she graduates from college, marries, has a baby, you may be invited. If you feel comfortable going, your wife ought consider going, too. It's actually to your credit and your W should be proud.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## CarefulinNY

LongWalk said:


> You have positive relationship with your ex-D. At some level she is not your ex anything;she is a person in your life who has done you no wrong and your continued affection is a sign of emotional good health.
> 
> It will not benefit anyone to destroy the relationship. It will not be good for your wife either, since it sends a bad message to her about who you are. You are not the sort of person who would hurt a step child.
> 
> If she graduates from college, marries, has a baby, you may be invited. If you feel comfortable going, your wife ought consider going, too. It's actually to your credit and your W should be proud.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Completely agree, show her that it is not her fault.


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## aeasty

8 years of helping raise a child is a long time and especially those 8 or so years you mentioned 5 - 13 would of had a lot hard parenting choices even more so when you and the ex split. I think you would pretty much class her as your own daughter, I think your wife is just feeling insecure because she is 18, some older women seem to think that they cant compete with the young teens and they will try and steal you away. try and have a talk with her and let her know she is the only women for you.


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## Bobby5000

I would do what you can to maintain a relationship with your stepdaughter and realize that sadly your ex is using her own feelings about you to the girl's detriment.


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## ladybird

I don't see anything wrong with you remaining in contact with your stepdaughter even though you and her mother are no longer married. You helped raise her since she was a child.


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