# Feel guilty about wanting divorce



## Luna12 (Aug 2, 2017)

I'll try to make this as to the point as possible.
I've been married to my husband for 2 years. We've known each other for 3 years total and have a 1 year old child. We are very young (23 and 25)

I've been struggling with my feelings the past few weeks. I feel immense guilt for wanting to divorce him. I know that I shouldn't. 
In our brief time together he has lied to me about some rather important things. He claimed he had a Bachelor's degree in engineering and claimed he was active in the military. Before we married he agreed that he would work and I would finish my degree. At the time I had my Associate's and had already planned on finishing my degree. A few months after we married all the lies have reared their ugly heads. He has no degree what so ever, didn't have any military background until after we got together (state reserves now), and I feel completely tricked. He even went as far as to try to hide these things such as finding fake degrees online, military pictures, and claimed he had an honorary degree. He also claimed he worked on a computer program worth millions of dollars and that he had worked in engineering before citing an accident as to why he lost his license. (There's more stories all wrapped within this)

After we married he made up a warrant for my sister's arrest, has held 8 jobs in 2 years accumulating nearly 4 months of time off just between jobs, and signed up some of my family for services from his past jobs to help his numbers. We have been living with my father and because of his employment track we have not been able to contribute to the bills like we need to. I've been a full time student and stayed at home with my son since we couldn't afford daycare. I've also done odd jobs where I can for money. He lies to me frequently over little things and gaslights me often. After going back and forth he has actually been on a good streak the past few days. He has been at a new job 3 weeks now and already missed 5 days. He's also trying to get into school instead of letting me finish and our utilities are about to be cut off because he skipped work so much. I'm not going to get into his family either. They have been trying to mess up things for us from the get go. I'm so incredibly frustrated and just want him gone. A part of me can't help but feel guilty for kicking him out. Writing all of this helps me see some things. I know I have my faults as well. 

Why do I feel guilty? I feel this is the right thing to do as there doesn't seem much worth fighting for at this point. Thank you for any advice or words of wisdom. I really needed to get this off my chest.

TLR My husband lied about his background before we married. I feel tricked and want him gone but feel guilty.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with you. You need to divorce this guy. It's only just started to get bad.

He's on a new job for 3 weeks and has missed "only" 5 days... so he's only worked 2 of those 3 weeks. If you do not leave him, you are going to end up having to work and support his lazy behind for the rest of your life. Is that really what you want?

You made a mistake. You married him before you really knew him. A divorce is how you fix this.

There is no fixing him. Only he can do that and it sounds like that's not on his radar. 

You feel guilty because that's what good people often do when they get sucked into this kind of a mess.

If you do not kick him out and file for divorce in the next week, you are codependent and have to learn how not to take responsibility for other people. In this case get the book *Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency* by Melody Beattie. Read it and learn how to separate yourself emotionally from this guy.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

He lied to you about ... everything. He married you under false pretenses. You don't owe him anything. You have no reason to feel guilty.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I say cut your losses now, he is a chronic liar and an under achiever. Since you are already living with your dad speak to him first and tell him why you need to end your marriage, hopefully he will support you and allow you to continue to live there. 

If you stay with your husband you will spend your life struggling, being resentful and wondering what is another lie and what is the truth. That can add up to many many years of being unhappy.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Marrying him was a mistake. A simple one to fix. Divorce him. You deserve better. If he acts like an jackass and harasses you warn him once then get a get a restraining order and inform his commanding officer via a letter. You have nothing to feel guilty about or sorry for. He lied to you and is now using you. Don't waste the best years of your life on a liar and a user. Good luck.


----------



## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

I agree with everyone else I think the situation will only get worse.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It very likely won't ever be easier to get out than it is now. Time to move on.


----------



## quarterafterone (Jul 30, 2017)

For a young person you sound like you have you feet on the ground. From what I have read it seems like you got lead down the wrong path by the wrong guy. It happens to many of us. It will take you some time to get over him & the damage. You'll learn some important lessons. You're very young and you still have a lifetime to meet a great man, a great companion & someone who will meet you half way with the household chores, paying the bills & all of lifes responsibilities . If someone lied to me about his education & job situation Id be very angry. Alothough feeling quilty is a normal response to the end of a marriage, in your case you are justified. You should NOT feel quilty. Keep your mind focused on all what lies ahead. Don't lose sight of all your goals and what is important to you.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He is a major liar, manipulator and a loser who cannot go to work and be decent about it. There are probably many more things he has lied about, he is definitely not husband or father material, is this the life you want for your child and yourself, get out now, you will not regret it.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Trust is a foundational part of marriage. He has lied about so many important things, and gone through great effort to cover those lies. That speaks volumes about his (lack of) character.

Is he in therapy? If not, he needs to be. Even if he is, he will struggle with lying, since he has done it for so long, and it is part of who he is by now.

You sound like a stable, sane person. If you want to stay that way, get him out of your life. He is the destabilizing factor in your life. His lying will not stop, and you will be a very unhappy person the longer you stay with him.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Marriage is a legal contract where two people pool resources and work in legal, financial and personal partnership.

You were intentionally defrauded in order to exploit your resources.

You have absolutely fair and just grounds for terminating the contract.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It sounds like you want permission for what you already know you have to do.

So this internet stranger gives you permission, if that will help.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Liars are THE WORST. You might see about an annulment since he married you under false pretenses. Either way, you need to end this marriage. Good thing is that you are living with your father, so HE will need to GTFO. I am so sorry for your situation.


----------



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Wow... so sorry to hear this.. But agree what has been said so far. I would be so angry that he lied about everything AND that he still can't be responsible enough to keep a job for his family!! Yes, ask him to leave and divorce ASAP. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. I hope your family will continue to help you out so that you can finish school.. Best of luck!!


----------



## Luna12 (Aug 2, 2017)

Thank you everyone for the support! I packed his things and had him leave tonight. I'm on an emotional roller coaster right now. Part of me feels relief and I also feel a deep sorrow. He left in an uneventful way. Mostly asking if I would take him back and that he still loved me and was sorry. I'm heartbroken but know this is best. Again, thank you for listening.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Luna12, you have not yet divorced him. He is lucky you haven't yet. He is still young and has time to put his life together and do the things to show he can be a better man and a good father. Do not feel sorry for him, there are always consequences from lying and his lies are major ones, he basically portrayed himself as someone he is not.

You do not have to rush into divorce. What he does from here on out will tell you much about his character. Many young men do not grow up until their 30s. My H only grew up partly when we had our first kid (an unplanned pregnancy - we were married but hadn't planned on kids). He turned out a great father and provider and for some of those years a good H. So you do not have to make any decisions now, just make him get his act together, stop being a sponger, learn to man up and take control of his life, this might be the best thing you have ever done for him.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Like Aine said, many men do not cross that line from boy to man until they are older. It's based on many things - upbringing, fatherly presence in their life (and whether their father was a good role model to begin with), culture, media, etc.

We can wish and hope and pray that they "grow up," and sometimes under certain circumstances they do... but you can't bank on that happening for sure.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband lied about a college degree, lied about military experience, lied about programming income, lied about how he lost a license and got your sister arrested. He used your family members by enrolling them in services they did not ask for. And apparently he gas-lighted you on all of these things. You count 'good behavior' streaks in days, not years, months or even weeks. Oh, he refuses to get his butt off to work on time to provide. Have I missed anything? Don't wait for more like a child he forgot to tell you about whose mother sues you both for child support. Or he is still married to someone else and 'forgot' to get a divorce. 

Considering the possible lies you have not uncovered like a secret child I would get a divorce quickly. He complains tell him he has lied so much that you cannot believe that you have uncovered them all. Let him know that he is always the father of your child and you will not interfere in that (unless he endangers the child). If you really still love him after all of this you can always remarry him down the road if he straightens himself out. I would not hold my breath waiting.


----------

