# the final "last chance".



## Navy3 (Apr 27, 2012)

I 've been married a long time,over 20 yrs. looking back my husband has never been "good" with money,he couldn't walk past a fruit machine in a pub without feeding it before we were even married. he'd run out of money part way through a week.

the early years were hard with 2 children. money has always been a difficult topic. he always wanted to "be in control" of it. we never had a budget,no matter how hard i tried he would never sit down & agree a budget. it has been like banging my head on a brick wall. 
he ran up debts on credit cards (in secret),got behind on bills that he lead me to think were paid,in the end i was just out of hospital when a man arrived at the door to " discuss the repossesion of the house !!!!!!!". baliffs came, i insisted we went the C A B (UK)for help. we ended up in court with County Court Junctions & held onto the house by the skin of our teeth. he agreed to pay his wages into my bank account so i could "watch". he made this out to be his "punishment". over time we cleared the debts,built trust again.

i developed a serious health condition-a neruo disability. it was a very difficult time especially with 2 young children.my husband has been very loving,caring & supportive in every other way,but with money he scares the bleep out of me.

he gradually took control of the finances again,promised "i'll never do it again". i've been so stupid,he'd make excuses for me not to go to the till (i use walking aids/wheelchair/mobility scooter)saying it was easier for him to go. in 2007 he admitted to having over £20k of CC debt again. i still don't know how or what he'd been buying,he'd say we over spend but i didn't have the material things to account for the debts. 
he bullied me into a very big secured loan £50k. it caused terrible arguments because i was refusing to sign paperwork. in the end,very reluctantly i agreed - we had a child in uni with no £ to help out with & he promised to make alterations to the bathroom for my disability & no more credit cards. he paid the CC's off,cut them up & said "no more!" like a fool i believed him.

in 2010,just before Christmas i got a a call,i'd bought something on line,my bank card failed,as i looked at his face while taking that call i knew he'd done it again. i felt sick.

he NEVER " comes clean", it's always he's been found out. at that point he told me he had credit card debt again but he was vauge. 

his ability to put his head down in the sand is so scary it takes my breath away. he is a lovely,caring husband but he scares me to death with money.

again i insisted we needed help,we went to the C A B. they mentioned Bankruptcy!!!!!!!!!!! oh my God! and a IVA -individual voluntary agreement. i'd never heard of a IVA. i was a total mess as during this appointment i found out he'd got several cards i knew nothing about, he'd arranged a overdraft on our joint bank account & taken out a bank loan i knew nothing about - no wonder he didn't want me going to the bank!

he had racked up over £50k in debts!

his wages were too low to do the IVA as normal over 5/6 yrs.we were looking at BR. i was distraught,rang my parents,they agreed to lend us money to do a FULL & FINAL IVA, 1 off payment to creditors on the condition that we pay mum&dad back with interest. 

i have never been so scared in all my life. i had debtors calling at the door,phone calls all day long. it was a terrible time,i lost weight,couldn't sleep,had upset tummy,panic attacks,got very low.

the IVA has given me/him a proper budget which has been good, i never even had £ for bread until now, he controlled everything.

each time the debt has got worse. each time i've been left wondering what exactly he did with it all. each time he has promised,"it'll never happen again,no more credit cards". he cannot understand why i "can't just trust me". i've heard it all before.

things are difficult,we're on a strict budget. in a strange way this stage is safest for me, credit ratings are shot so he can't get any.
the IVA was agreed just over a year ago. we're making regular payments to my parents.

my physical disability leaves me feeling very vulnerable. i need help with my day to day care/needs. i don't really want to go back to carers coming in like the early days(my husband helps me in/out of the shower etc),he does the cooking etc because i can't. 
i am frightened at the thought of having to manage without him. my family live several hundred miles away & i'm not close to them as in confiding.

i love him but i am scared incase he does it again. i'm angry that i'm held legally part responsible for debts i don't even know about until it's too late. my Dad has told me i must keep my eye on hubby,i'm doing my best,have laid out "rules" ie will not go back EVER to hubby "doing the finances",have got internet banking set up for me, but he's a grown man, if when we get sorted he chooses to take out secret or in the open, loans & cards i can't stop him. i don't want to baby sit him, he's a grown man & i feel he must take responsibility for his actions.

it would break my heart to divorce him but i've told him i will if he does it again,we were so close to bankruptcy. 
things are better than they were but i will nerver be able to trust him 100% now.
i'd be so scared about how i'd manage to live alone but i can't have that used as a reason to re live this. the secured loan is like another mortgage,it feels like a millstone,i'm so angry with myself.

i'm now thinking that i ought to open a bank account in my own name,"just incase". i'm not sure if that is almost giving up, but i feel a need to protect myself should i need too. 

sorry such a long post. helped to get it all off my chest.


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## Navy3 (Apr 27, 2012)

thanks Dean. yes, i think it's the right thing to do,might help me feel a bit easier. he's got a "thing" about money,he'd want to know how much i had. i've tipped my personal savings up in the past to bail him out.

he's such a lovely man in every other way,it'd break my heart to have to part.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Unfortunately I understand too well what your going through.

I went/am going through something similar.

We went to a counseller both MC & IC, we changed a/c's to one I choose, got rid of all CC cards, we got a financial adviser and set up a budget and savings plan. I am 100% involved in the a/c's now. 

It's been good for us all round. I feel more involved...more equal in the marriage and H sleeps better at night because he's not keeping a HUGE secret from me.


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