# What makes a good wife?



## cinnabomb (Oct 23, 2014)

I've bene thinking a lot about the marital issues in my life right now. 1 year in counseling (MC and IC), and although some things have improved (less abusive and neglectful behavior), other things have not (still almost no nurturing or gestures or sex). 

I'm not exaggerating when I say that my wife does almost nothing for me. Does not cook for me, or even ask if I have eaten, or pick up food for us. Does not give me the touch and love and intimacy I need, aside from the occasional "have a nice" hug in the morning and "good night" peck on the cheek at night. No sex and other sexual fulfillment. She used to give me handjobs anytime I needed a release, pretty much daily. Never gave BJs, maybe once a year. Havent had anything in 3 years. Ive had multiple injuries like a torn rotator cuff, etc, and has never once offered to massage me and ease the pain. Wont even wash a fruit and offer it to me or give me a cup of tea or water. I can go on and on but you get the picture. 

So I thought about it. Who else is like this. Her mother! Her mother is exactly like that. She is totally self serving and doesnt do **** for anyone else. So my question is this... I genuinely dont think my wife even has any understanding of what it means to be a WIFE. I don't think she knows what other wives do for their husbands. Especially a good man like myself who does EVERYTHING under the sun for her. I think she got her knowledge of what a wife looks like from her mother, who is a fat and lazy woman that is selfish. 

So is there hope here? What do I do? Is there a chance this will ever change and she will someday become nurturing in the ways that I want? Is there something I can try? Or is this futile?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

So the approximate 1,200 posts on your other thread weren't enough for you? 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showthread.php?p=13869418

Damn, I thought I was stubborn. 

Sent from mobile using Tapatalk


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## cinnabomb (Oct 23, 2014)

Lila said:


> So the approximate 1,200 posts on your other thread weren't enough for you?
> Really rough 5 years - wife became rich, powerful, and ego-centric - Talk About Marriage
> 
> Damn, I thought I was stubborn.
> ...


well we never really talked about this particular thing on that thread. So I am trying to simplify it and start a new thread and get down to the core of the issue here, if that is ok?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

cinnabomb said:


> well we never really talked about this particular thing on that thread. So I am trying to simplify it and start a new thread and get down to the core of the issue here, if that is ok?


You're kidding right? In this thread you ask "_So is there hope here? What do I do? Is there a chance this will ever change and she will someday become nurturing in the ways that I want? Is there something I can try? Or is this futile?_"

In your other thread didn't you specifically ask over and over again how to change your wife back into the 'sweet and giving' person she was 5 years ago? I recall that many, Many, MANY of the long time posters told you that you couldn't change HER. You needed to change YOU. 

By starting this thread......on the same topic no less.....you are essentially sending a big f!ck you to the many well-meaning folks who took the time to try to offer their help on your other thread.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

cinnabomb said:


> So is there hope here?


Nope.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

What makes a good wife?

A man that loves his wife for who she is and doesn't worry about what she is not.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I think you are so desperate for some sort of validation, you keep asking the same questions over and over again. You know the answers to the questions you keep asking. 

Leave your wife, begin a new life.


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## estes (Aug 7, 2016)

Before you marry a woman, take a good hard look at her mother.

Because that's who you'll be with in 20 years (assuming of course that you make it that long).

She's just like her mother. Big surprise there.

No, she won't ever change. Unless you threaten to leave her in which case she might. But if you go that route be prepared to carry out the threat or things will be even worse than before if it doesn't do the trick.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Someone on this thread is having a bad day. Chill.

ETA. Oh, i did not know this was the rich and powerful guy

OP. You need to leave her or divorce her. 

Are you in the UK? No guy in the US drinks tea.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I think, quite personally, you are grasping at straws. As you were told you cannot change her you can only change you. I would love to wave a magic wand and have my hubby transformed into my version of the perfect husband but that isn't going to happen so I love
Him for who he is. If you are
At the point where you need her to change so drastically I think the relationship is toast. Given your other thread I'm surprised you are still there. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cinnabomb said:


> I've bene thinking a lot about the marital issues in my life right now. 1 year in counseling (MC and IC), and although some things have improved (less abusive and neglectful behavior), other things have not (still almost no nurturing or gestures or sex).
> 
> I'm not exaggerating when I say that my wife does almost nothing for me. Does not cook for me, or even ask if I have eaten, or pick up food for us. Does not give me the touch and love and intimacy I need, aside from the occasional "have a nice" hug in the morning and "good night" peck on the cheek at night. No sex and other sexual fulfillment. She used to give me handjobs anytime I needed a release, pretty much daily. Never gave BJs, maybe once a year. Havent had anything in 3 years. Ive had multiple injuries like a torn rotator cuff, etc, and has never once offered to massage me and ease the pain. Wont even wash a fruit and offer it to me or give me a cup of tea or water. I can go on and on but you get the picture.
> 
> ...


Be a... *wife*? 

Damn! She doesn't seem to know how to be a human!:surprise:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Someone on this thread is having a bad day. Chill.
> 
> ETA. Oh, i did not know this was the rich and powerful guy
> 
> ...


There was at least one...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

cinnabomb said:


> *I think she got her knowledge of what a wife looks like from her mother, who is a fat and lazy woman that is selfish. *



Hmmmmm.... 

My great grandmother mostly raised me and she grew up during the great depression. She was a very resilient and selfless woman. I am convinced that when her generation passed away, so did mankind's ability to cook real food as well. 

Let me pass along some hearty advice to you from that generation. 



> If you don't have anything nice to say, it is best not to say anything at all!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

A good husband and vice versa.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I haven't read your other post yet.

I'm in my 40s and I guess somewhat old school. I love taking care of my husband and our home. His mom took care of his father and their home. My mom took care of my father and our home. Our fathers worked hard and supported us financially. I believe their is a ton to be said about looking at her mother...I am certianly a big reflection of my mom (parents really). I am not accepting of not being appreciated for all I do though. Just like I shouldn't stop appreciating all my husband does for our family. 

The time to have observed her mother and change your course has passed. You had that chance. You married her anyway. So now you have to choose. It's not going to get better without drastic measures.

I wish you the best.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Spicy said:


> ...I am certianly a big reflection of my mom...


All those years growing up and you mean to tell me you never questioned the bottle to tabasco on her nightstand? If you ask me, that is the #1 sign of something that makes a great wife!

Badsanta


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

cinnabomb said:


> Especially a good man like myself who does EVERYTHING under the sun for her. I think she got her knowledge of what a wife looks like from her mother, who is a fat and lazy woman that is selfish.


You're not a good man....

You're a faux nice guy who makes covert contracts then harbors resentment when she doesn't meet her fictional expectations.

Your wife is checked out and it's not hard to see why. Stop depending on her for your happiness. That's why you are miserable.

Either you both agree to try to fix the marriage or you dump her. If you choose to do neither then it's your fault not hers.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Character


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

cinnabomb said:


> So is there hope here?


No. None whatsoever. And I did follow the previous post. 



cinnabomb said:


> What do I do?


Happiness is an inside job. Invest your time and money in IC. Get your financial ducks in a row, if you decide to leave.



cinnabomb said:


> Is there a chance this will ever change and *she will someday become nurturing in the ways that I want*? Is there something I can try? Or is this futile?


She is what she is. I doubt you will get what you want from her. Expectations. They cause us more anguish, resentment, and disappointment than anything else when they are not met.

You've tried. Time to quit trying. Either accept what is or leave. Quit beating a dead horse.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

badsanta said:


> All those years growing up and you mean to tell me you never questioned the bottle to tabasco on her nightstand? If you ask me, that is the #1 sign of something that makes a great wife!
> 
> Badsanta


Only if she was using it on her midnight snack. Otherwise, OUCH!:wink2:


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Only if she was using it on her midnight snack. Otherwise, OUCH!:wink2:


Ok dim moment here but what is Tabasco good for in the bedroom? I can only think it would be useful if making in room Bloody Mary's.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Chips & salsa come to mind. 

I think it is more common to see a wine box on someone's night stand. Still can't think of that without laughing. Like, really?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

badsanta said:


> All those years growing up and you mean to tell me you never questioned the bottle to tabasco on her nightstand? If you ask me, that is the #1 sign of something that makes a great wife!
> 
> Badsanta


I'm such a fool. I wondered why she bought me a lifetime supply for graduation.


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## cinnabomb (Oct 23, 2014)

Ok so some background. I already am in IC for almost a year and both the IC and MC have said that I have made astounding progress. Our MC who is a woman has even stated more or less that I have done everything asked of me in sessions and made great progress to be more independent, stop covert contracts, find happiness outside of the home, be okay with voicing myself, and initiating conversation and connection with my wife, even after the 7 years of abuse and neglect and pain and resentment. Im here because Im still TRYING. Im not willing to let a 15 year relationship go without giving it all ive got. 

Those of you who gave genuine and good advice, thank you. Those of you who are just bitter or angry, that's okay too. It doesn't bother me anymore. I jsut wanted to know peoples real life experiences with this....like has anyone gone through this and have anything positive or negative to say about it?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

estes said:


> Before you marry a woman, take a good hard look at her mother.
> 
> Because that's who you'll be with in 20 years (assuming of course that you make it that long).
> 
> ...


*This theory is certainly the case with my first wife! No question!

But how I wish my RSXW was just like her mother! That woman is literally the salt of the earth, while her daughter is prostitutionally inclined, more especially when other men come on to the scene, or are brought on to it by her constant and incessant need for male attention!!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

The Reconciliation section may be the appropriate place to ask these questions and get some answers.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Since she didn't learn how to nurture from her role model, she can learn how from you. You can ASK for what you want at the time you want it. Be appreciative and thank her. If she tells you to go pound sand, then you know.

Spouses don't come with training manuals or crystal balls. What one might consider nurturing, another might consider smothering.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

cinnabomb said:


> Im here because Im still TRYING. Im not willing to let a 15 year relationship go without giving it all ive got.


The thing is, it doesn't sound like your wife is trying. You can try, but one person can't change a marriage. You don't mention anything positive about your wife attempting to change.

From what you've posted, it sounds like a done deal to me. JMO.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

What I have found, simply, is this: If they don't get it, they never get it. Some women will never make a good wife, some do.


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## cinnabomb (Oct 23, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Since she didn't learn how to nurture from her role model, she can learn how from you. You can ASK for what you want at the time you want it. Be appreciative and thank her. If she tells you to go pound sand, then you know.
> 
> Spouses don't come with training manuals or crystal balls. What one might consider nurturing, another might consider smothering.


appreciate this note, and the truth is, I DID stop asking for things because I got so tired of the rejection and anger and aggression. I literally dont ask for anything EVER. Not even a glass of water, because I still hear her voice snapping at me from the past 7 years saying "CAN YOU JUST GET IT, IM BUSY". Maybe she WOULD give me a glass of water today, I'm sure she would, but probably not with a positive attitude. And that bothers me knowing all I do for her. It's like a sense of entitlement, like "I'm the boss at work why would I get YOU a water??" She doesnt say thta but it feels just like that. 

But yea, maybe I do need to try asking for things again. I just stopped. Even sex. I would get rejected 9/10 times so I gave up completely. I got sick of the same response every time. I'll bet if I started asking now, she would be wiling 5/10 times. But I'm still so hurt by what she did to me that I don't know if I can even handle the 5 rejections right now, OR if I even truly want sex with her until we work on these bigger issues. Im confused I guess because I ask myself, "will sex now help the overall situation, both from her side and mine, or will it complicate the situation??" Any thoughts on that? Does sex make a woman happier and more nurturing?


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