# Question for you all....



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ok, I have been open with you all about my EA, as well as my husband's. I have remained open to him... passwords, access...everything. And he as been the same. Obviously, as this is still fresh (I found out his not even 2 months ago) I am still struggling. I came clean about it to my parents and sisters. During the time of my EA, I painted my husband in a very unflattering light. And, I chose to let my family know that I am NOT the perfect daughter/sister they saw. I also told them that any complaints I have about my marriage will be confined to my husband and/or therapist(s). Still working on getting my own therapist. I have decided to ask HIS therapist for suggestions and go from there. 

ANYWAY, the point of my post. I so want to just hurt this OW so bad. I obviously cannot, for many reasons... but mostly because she lives too far away. I want to actually write her a letter and tell her exactly what I think of her, but I don't think she will even care. The one thing that sticks out in my mind was a text she wrote him, after my discovery... "maybe now she will understand what you have been going through"... and I do. I also fear having "real arguments" with him because I worry he will contact her if we get into a really big argument. And no, he has not contacted her at all since I requested NC.

Also, in my own EA, I sent emails and pics to the OM. I know he had an EA before me (found out after we got involved)... he told me that he buried the emails and pics he got from this other OW. I am afraid he may have done the same with mine. I want to contact his wife and tell her all of this, but since things with him ended months before my husband and I decided to work things out, I am rather reluctant. I have disclosed everything to my husband. I am just unsure if I should just leave things as they are regarding this OM or not. And no, I have not had any contact with OM since our EA ended in November. Once again, my husband knows when it ended. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Leave both the EAs buried and in the past. A picked scab never heals. Concentrate on your husband, yourself and your marriage.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

OWs are some of the most smug, patronizing people that live on planet earth. Never give them the satisfaction of confirming they know your husband better than you do, which can be accomplished by simply saying 'hi.'

Exposure to OMW is contact and should only be done by your H.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'm going to be in the minority on my opinion I suspect but what the heck.

Regarding your H's OW - nothing says F YOU like indifference. Anything you send her will prove to the OW one thing - that she is getting to you. The words you say she won't care that much about, but she will likely derive some satisfaction from knowing that she is still pushing your buttons. Additionally you run the risk of creating an opportunity for them to re-establish contact. She could send the letter to him saying, "OMG your wife is so hateful - how can you stay with someone that mean. All I did was love you and she hates me blah blah blah" Or some other commentary trying to get any response out of him. If you need to get it on paper to vent that's fine and actually good therapy. Start a blog or write it down and then burn it, but I wouldn't send it to her; there's just too little to gain and too much to lose. 

Regarding your OM and what you sent him. I to had an EA and have this same concern. What my wife and I have done, what IMO you should do, is to let sleeping dogs lye. If he has saved all of the messages, he's not going to decided to delete them just because now ask him to. He'll either lie to you or say no, and then he'll know your scared of them and might try to use them against you somehow in the future. 

Focus on you and your H - let all of the OM/OW go and be in the past where they belong.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> OWs are some of the most smug, patronizing people that live on planet earth. Never give them the satisfaction of confirming they know your husband better than you, which can be accomplished by simply saying 'hi.'
> 
> *Exposure to OMW is contact and should only be done by your H.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Understood. And since he wants to just forget the whole thing even happened, then let it be. But still be prepared in case he asks questions, right?



Amplexor said:


> Leave both the EAs buried and in the past. A picked scab never heals. Concentrate on your husband, yourself and your marriage.


I am trying to concentrate on our marriage. I just have these things pop into my mind sometimes. Likely because he was on a pedestal, so to speak, even with his depression and everything. I "just knew" he wouldn't cheat in any way, and every so often, something triggers these thoughts. It also doesn't help that he never actually acknowledged to me that it even WAS an EA. And when I tried to point it out, he maintained the "just friends" angle, and that I "read too much into it". And that's where we still are...two months later. I love this man, and he loves me, that much I am sure of. I know we have a long road ahead of us.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Maricha75 said:


> . It also doesn't help that he never actually acknowledged to me that it even WAS an EA. And when I tried to point it out, he maintained the "just friends" angle, and that I "read too much into it". And that's where we still are...two months later.


That's the tricky part in dealing with an EA. Since the "line was never crossed" (sex) it is hard for the wayward to accept their own culpability in it let alone admitting it to their spouse. You may never receive that kind of "closure" on the EA from your husband, but what's important is that the marriage heals and you both learn from the errors in the past. As far as the APs go, ****-em. They are not worth your time or concern. Good riddance to bad garbage. Easier said than done, I am 5 years post D-Day and still despise OM but dammed if I'll give him any reason to try and reestablish contract or to feel he has any part in our lives anymore.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Thanks guys.. and Amp, I know in my head to just let it go. Just hate when things trigger the uncertainty again. Like, our daughter has a girl in her class who has the same name as the OW. Out of the blue, she asks me how to spell the name. My face went white. I had to THINK about how to respond. But my daughter is only 5, there's no way she could understand about triggers and everything. The one consolation was that hubby noticed the look on my face. He never said a word, but I could see it on his face. And he brushed it off later. But for those few seconds, I know he saw how hurt I was. I recovered, of course, and told our daughter how to spell it (different spelling than the OW, so that helped me a bit). And that whole "I don't want to argue for fear of pushing him back to her" mentality grates as well. Some days, I feel like I am walking on eggshells, still, because of both of our indiscretions. But, we cut out the biggest factor in our EAs...WoW.


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## be-man (Apr 15, 2012)

After my wife's EA things were really good for awhile but now she seems to be quick to want to fight. I think this is technique she used during the EA to help justify what she was doing so this is a bad warning sign.

I do understand your feeling that the littlest thing can start to bring it all up again and you start to question the whole episode again. I wish I could say this goes away but it hasn't for me yet.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I hear ya! Please take the advice from others on here..do not contact her. I did it myself..sent some emails to H's OW and received no response..she lives across the ocean.

I don't regret sending some of the emails but some I do..because it was obvious to OW that she was on my mind...and I think that gives them some satisfaction.  My sister told me on the weekend to not even factor her in..she is a non entity..she said you are giving her more power than what she deserves.

I admit I was obsessed with the OW...I wanted to know everything about her. It still frustrates me that she never responded to me at all..but what did I expect she is gutless. In hindsight I wish I had never given her the time of day.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

be-man said:


> After my wife's EA things were really good for awhile but now she seems to be quick to want to fight. I think this is technique she used during the EA to help justify what she was doing so this is a bad warning sign.
> 
> I do understand your feeling that the littlest thing can start to bring it all up again and you start to question the whole episode again. I wish I could say this goes away but it hasn't for me yet.


From your other post in another thread:



be-man said:


> Ok, Here is my story the first time she was on FB and some jackass was saying stuff like I want to come see you Babe, I wish we lived closer etc. I blew a gasket. She apologized said it was nothing she didn't even like the guy etc. I asked to read and she deleted it. Second time with new guy it was I wish you lived closer. And he would say stuff like tell me what we would be doing. I never did see any replys and she said it never went beyond those words. Third time, third guy it was full onset sexting. Some of it violent like acting out rape scenes.
> 
> So she got more advanced and more involved each time. Each time she says sorrys it will never happen again.
> 
> ...


It would be better if you start your own thread so that you can get the help you need.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Maricha75 said:


> . And that whole "I don't want to argue for fear of pushing him back to her" mentality grates as well. Some days, I feel like I am walking on eggshells


Common but not necessarily healthy. If you are overly concerned with what he will do, you can lose yourself in it all. I let that happen to me and it was emotionally unhealthy. Conflict during recovery is not all bad. It is a time to get it all out on the table. Breaking new ground and resolving issues is healthy. On the flip side excessive rehashing is not.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Thanks Amp. It isn't arguments regarding OW or OM, so rehashing isn't what I have been concerned about. It's more about trying to diffuse anger regarding other things (he admittedly has anger issues, which he is working on) and I don't want to escalate it. Or I ask a question that he thinks I should already know the answer to, and he says so, but not in a nice way... rather than point out that he is wrong (when he is, not when he is not), I bite my tongue and just let it all go. Unfortunately, it causes resentment to build. And I want to avoid that, but at the same time, I am afraid to bring it up, for the above mentioned reasons. I know, tell him all of this.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Thanks Amp. It isn't arguments regarding OW or OM, so rehashing isn't what I have been concerned about. It's more about trying to diffuse anger regarding other things (he admittedly has anger issues, which he is working on) and I don't want to escalate it. Or I ask a question that he thinks I should already know the answer to, and he says so, but not in a nice way... rather than point out that he is wrong (when he is, not when he is not), I bite my tongue and just let it all go. Unfortunately, it causes resentment to build. And I want to avoid that, but at the same time, I am afraid to bring it up, for the above mentioned reasons. I know, tell him all of this.


For sure you need to tell him.Imo,if he's really in it 100% then he should be wanting to build a new and stronger M and not rebuild the old one that wasn't working.Defensiveness on his part and fear on your part isn't moving forward.You both have to make clear what your needs are and learn to communicate in a healthy way and you both may need and be willing to get some help learning to do so.Maybe I'm just going over old ground,but true open and honest communication is key for a strong and healthy M.Take care and wishing you well.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What will you do, and how will you H feel when he discovers you haven't told him about the pictures you sent your OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I hope they weren't nudie pics or pics of a sexual nature. Because that makes a BIG difference should he ever find out because men tend to be more visual.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> What will you do, and how will you H feel when he discovers you haven't told him about the pictures you sent your OM?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He knows all of this... Sorry if I didn't make that clear. My deal is that I would prefer if all the correspondence was destroyed on OM side. But as was pointed out, how would I know if he was telling the truth? It's more that I don't want anything, be it pictures or emails, being "out there". Then again, anything I have sent to my husband has that potential as well.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> It's more that I don't want anything, be it pictures or emails, being "out there". Then again, anything I have sent to my husband has that potential as well.


I soooooo get this. Just write it off to more stupid tax for cheating and don't give it a life of it's own by letting OM know you even think about it. 

We'd all like to get rid of the evidence of our stupidity, it just doesn't really work that way.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

But the weird thing with my husband, and I am still trying to sort this out... his OW sent him a pic fresh from the shower, in just her bra (top view, I saw the pic). And he saw nothing wrong with that. However, when I sent him (my husband) a similar pic and asked how he would feel if he SAW that I sent pics like that to another guy, would he be ok with it? He replied "Hell no!" So.... I THINK he "got it", maybe? 

And with my texts, he never saw them. He knew I was hiding something, but never saw what. I hid it well, which is why I have been able to make suggestions to some on how to check data, not just texts, for chat apps on the cell. But I DID see texts from him to his OW, where he called her "sexy" and "beautiful"... and when I asked when the last time had been that he called me those things, neither of us could remember. THAT was when his contact was cut with her... the same conversation, he had told her his feelings had been more than friendship, but now he was getting what he needed from me.

IDK, I mean, everything has been removed, deleted, contact severed on our end. I DID tell him, when I saw how many pics were shared between them, but it didn't mesh with the number of pics on his cell, in downloads, camera, and text... but he says he "only sent three"... the three I saw/knew about. But cell records don't lie. I told him I would understand, and I truly would, if he had sent suggestive, or even blatantly sexual pics during that time. Really, how could I not? Yes, it would hurt, obviously... but we can move past it. It's just the discrepancies that bug me.


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