# Sex-starved wife



## RedNovember (Dec 23, 2011)

HI all, 

Hoping someone can help me. I'm 29 and married to a man who is not into sex. After six years together, I can say honestly that he's never been much into it. It's always been almost like a chore to him. I'm sure he's not secretly gay ( I think I would have had some signs by now) and I don't think it's me that repulses him. My appearance hasn't changed much, there hasn't been weight gain or anything (in case that's an issue for some guys) He openly admits he's just never had much of a sex drive and sex isn't a big deal to him. The thing I'm curious about is whether a marriage can thrive without intimacy... I used to basically drag him to bed every week or so but since having a baby six months ago I can't be bothered putting myself through the frequent rejection. Now we barely touch except for an occasional token kiss. I miss intimacy (not sex much at this point to be honest, because it always felt a bit stilted) and wonder if we're on a fast-track to ending up divorced...

Update: After posting this, I decided to try and work out when we last had sex... and worked out we've had sex twice. In a year. And yes, that year has involved the birth of our baby... but I didn't realise things were so bad. I just pointed this out to my husband and he looked mildly shocked for a second and then went back to watching TV. Oh dear.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

* I miss intimacy (not sex much at this point to be honest, because it always felt a bit stilted) and wonder if we're on a fast-track to ending up divorced...*
The real question is, is this your only problem. I doubt it is.
You do have to sort out the sex. Why is it a chore. Do you insist on doing it 'differently' to the way he wants. Have you ever asked him how he would like it. Or told him do whatever you like with me. He doesnt seem to want to talk about it. What about other things. Is he also reticent with them as well.


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## RedNovember (Dec 23, 2011)

He's sort of reticent by nature, I guess. He's not a big talker but then, he's a man. Isn't that common?

I don't know why he finds it a chore. I don't insist on doing it a certain way, I've told him I'm open to anything. I've asked him fantasies, he just shrugs and says he doesn't really have any. He does smoke a bit of pot, but not that much really - I doubt it helps, but I don't think it's the cause of our problem. Whenever I point out that it's been a while since we've had sex and maybe we should try and get to the bedroom at some point, he pulls this sad face and says "I'm sorry, I'm a bad husband." It drives me crazy, because I know he's just saying it so I'll reassure him he's a great husband and I love him and I'm sure it'll all befine. And also, because it comes across like sex is just him performing his marital duty - like, there's nothing in it for him.

I think I've tried to ignore the problem and hoped it'd go away. Ive told myself that he's loyal and loves me and that should probably just be enough. But I do feel like the lack of intimacy is eroding what was once a very loving relationship.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

So he was like this when you were dating? Was it a problem then?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry to hear this.

Congrats on the baby, you did manage to have a child, after only having sex twice in a year. (especially if you were trying, didn't take long!) so wanted to ask if birth control is an issue, are you wanting to have more children?

He's been this way for a long time, which is kinda hard to respond to. 

Do you know if he gets satisfication, personally, on is own?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Red ~

Sexual intimacy is very important in a marriage. It is a kind of 'glue' that helps 'bind' you together with your spouse. When that 'glue' is missing, the lack of intimacy starts to extend in to all other areas of the relationship.

You know there have been a lot of posts recently from ladies with just your predicament. It's interesting that research indicates that 1 out of 5 men have what would be termed a 'lower' libido.

Solutions for Low Libido in Men

But, I think before you give up and just say 'that's the way he is', you should do some investigating into if there could be some other reasons for it. Could be anything from physical issues, like depression, ED, low T, even too much masturbation/porn use - to emotional issues, like prior sexual abuse, anxiety/stress, fear of intimacy, an affair - to relational issues, like whether he feels pressure from you or has resentments.

The biggest key is whether he admits that this is an issue in your marriage and if he is willing to explore a solution with you. Without that from his side, you may not get very far.

Best wishes.


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## Jwayne (Dec 4, 2011)

I'm right there with you. My wife just doesn't get it. She offers nothing. No surprises, no effection at all. This is my take on all of the emotional intimacy that I've been hearing about. To me, there are 2 types of people. Sexual and non sexual. In my case, I love passion and sex in a marriage. My wife doesn't. So, in order to compensate for this, I'm being told that I should connect with her and stimulate her emotionally just to get her to basically, be in the mood. My thoughts are, I'm her husband, she should want to please me. So, if your sexual and you marry a sexual person, all of this isn't needed. It just happens. I'm still very frustrated. Our sex life is terrible.


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## Jwayne (Dec 4, 2011)

It's to the point now where I don't even look at her when she's in the house or even mention anything about sex. We don't touch in bed and I don't and will not initiate. I know that I can't be in a marriage without sex and now I'm just trying to decide what to do. She's very beautiful but what good does that do me. I never get to see her. My only choice to look at a naked body is on the PC. It can't be just all emotional connection issues, because I guarantee if Keith Urban was laying th


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jwayne said:


> I'm right there with you. My wife just doesn't get it. She offers nothing. No surprises, no effection at all. This is my take on all of the emotional intimacy that I've been hearing about. To me, there are 2 types of people. Sexual and non sexual. In my case, I love passion and sex in a marriage. My wife doesn't. So, in order to compensate for this, I'm being told that I should connect with her and stimulate her emotionally just to get her to basically, be in the mood. My thoughts are, I'm her husband, she should want to please me. So, if your sexual and you marry a sexual person, all of this isn't needed. It just happens. I'm still very frustrated. Our sex life is terrible.


What was your sex life like before marriage or during the honeymoon period?


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## Jwayne (Dec 4, 2011)

Elegirl,
It was good. But since about 2004, it's been going downhill. She was on zoloft for a while which really put dent in our intimacy but she's off of that now. I don't even know what she looks like without clothes.Good grief.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So you had to drag him yet he sort of complied? He didn't flat out refuse? Sounds like a Freudian's field day to me. Sounds like a bag full of mommy issues. And horribly immature of him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jwayne said:


> Elegirl,
> It was good. But since about 2004, it's been going downhill. She was on zoloft for a while which really put dent in our intimacy but she's off of that now. I don't even know what she looks like without clothes.Good grief.


From what you have written it seems that you have no clue about what turns a woman on. Nor are you willing to hear about it, or consider it. So I don't know what to say to you.

You think that since she is married to you, it's her job to put out for you. It does not work that way.

Can you list your wife's top 5 emotional needs?


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

In situations like this I think it can be useful to try and look for ways to have some form of intimacy without the pressure that can often go with sex.

Things like showering together, curling up with each other in front of the tv... anything that involves some sort of physical intimacy.

Also men have strange sexual patterns, it might help if you're willing to have sex at times of the day when you might not neccessarily be in the mood. Something I've noticed with a few guys is that sometimes they'll wake up in the middle of the night aroused... You might not be in the mood then, but by going along with it you may be able to drag him out of his rut... the male sex drive is kind of a like a virtuous circle, once he starts having sex at any stage, then he'll want more..

I think the worst sexual killer in any relationship, is the idea that both partners have to be totally in the mood... unless you're both completly in sync then it's just a recipie for sexual frustration for both partners..


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## Jwayne (Dec 4, 2011)

Elegirl: I'm not totally lost here. I've been in relationships before and yes, I do have ideas about what women like, however, I guess in this case, I'm tired of trying or tired of trying to figure it out. I am open to ideas. But this is very frustrating.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Jwayne said:


> Elegirl: I'm not totally lost here. I've been in relationships before and yes, I do have ideas about what women like, however, I guess in this case, I'm tired of trying or tired of trying to figure it out. I am open to ideas. But this is very frustrating.


Put a check beside my name....

I agree with everything you said including it being her job to please sexually. just like its mine to please my wife sexually. why does stating this fact get people bent out of shape? If its not our jobs to please our spouses there would be a heck of a whole lot of cheating going on.


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## turtle10 (Dec 2, 2010)

so as i scroll down and see this honest post....it is so wrong to layer on all this baaage and tell soemone that is YOUNG to have ur wifes 5 edmotional needs etc etc blah blah blah!!!!!!!!!! 
first things first.
relationship is between one or more people. IT is reciprocal. a marriage is between two people. she isnt doing ANYTING and he is responding to that.
i have been married 15 years. separtaed last year. now back together and truth is, IMO, sometimes u just need to move on.
i LOVED SEX when we got together. then i beacme the breadwinner for past 15 years and over TIME, i lost my initiaion w/ sex, but always up to be kinky or strip club and go for it. EVEN tho H hasnt made me cum for at least the past 4 years. its is ALL about him. we get back together. after discussing this and other issues. and now we r back to same point. so my point is, we r people and reality is not written in a script for us.
i really am so annoyed with this topic i need to quit writing.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Hello RedNovemeber.. You are not alone.

I am sorry you are going through this awful situation... I am in the same boat as well as many other men and woman here, and it sucks! I know what you are going through as well as many others on this board.

I am not really sure if a marriage can survive with out intimacy..I can only speak for myself and for me it can't. However, there is more then one form of intimacy, sex being only one, but when you don't have any other form of "bonding" it will kill a relationship, that is the case with my marriage.

There is nothing like the feeling of sex being a chore, for the other person.. I know that feeling.. My husband only does it to shut me up, because I get really *****y.. I haven't "bugged" him about it quite a while and now it Never happens.. I am at the point where I don't even want sex anymore...

I have learned the more you talk about it, the less and less it happens... I have stopped bring it up with him..


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## monkeyface (Dec 2, 2011)

michzz said:


> When you're told you have to jump, then jump higher, better , faster, then told you're jumping too much, then you know it's all an avoidance game.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


aw


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> From what you have written it seems that you have no clue about what turns a woman on. Nor are you willing to hear about it, or consider it. So I don't know what to say to you.
> 
> You think that since she is married to you, it's her job to put out for you. It does not work that way.
> 
> Can you list your wife's top 5 emotional needs?


Wow, that's pretty harsh leap of assumptions isn't it Elegirl. Most people who post on this site have tried many times and many diff ways to meet the needs of the spouse, but for whatever reason, have not found the right "key". From his comments I got more of a hurting spouse vibe than a clueless lover vibe.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I Know said:


> Wow, that's pretty harsh leap of assumptions isn't it Elegirl. Most people who post on this site have tried many times and many diff ways to meet the needs of the spouse, but for whatever reason, have not found the right "key". From his comments I got more of a hurting spouse vibe than a clueless lover vibe.


The below quote is want led me to make my statement....



Jwayne said:


> I'm right there with you. My wife just doesn't get it. She offers nothing. No surprises, no effection at all. *This is my take on all of the emotional intimacy that I've been hearing about.* To me, there are 2 types of people. Sexual and non sexual. In my case, I love passion and sex in a marriage. My wife doesn't. *So, in order to compensate for this, I'm being told that I should connect with her and stimulate her emotionally just to get her to basically, be in the mood*. *My thoughts are, I'm her husband, she should want to please me. So, if your sexual and you marry a sexual person, all of this isn't needed. It just happens. *I'm still very frustrated. Our sex life is terrible.


People are telling him about the fact that most women have the need for emotional intimacy to be met. And his reply is that she should want to have sex with him just because they are married.

It does not work that way.


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## RedNovember (Dec 23, 2011)

THanks to those who've responded. IN answer, his sex drive has always been pretty low. Almost non-existent, really. He doesn't watch porn and if he masturbates, it's not often. I actually think he may be borderline 'asexual' and have asked him that before. He says he does feel sexually 'excited', just not often.

As for our baby, she was conceived by IVF.

Anyway, we've had a talk about it (again). He's agreed to look into a gym membership next year, as apparently exercise can help build sex drive in men. 

Failing that, we'll have to seek professional help I guess. Sigh. I just never envisaged going through life with THIS problem!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Yeah. . .makes sense to me. . .I'm asexual (or only feel like sex 1x/year)hey, I know. . .let's get married. . .lordy, lordy, lordy. . .good luck.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The below quote is want led me to make my statement....
> 
> People are telling him about the fact that most women have the need for emotional intimacy to be met. And his reply is that she should want to have sex with him just because they are married.
> 
> It does not work that way.


You're right Ele, it does have to be a two way street. I made the leap of faith that since they had good sex back in 2004 that he did at one time know how to give his wife what she needed. Something happened between then and now to make it go downhill. Could be his fault for sure.


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