# Considering myself lucky, but still unhappy



## iwtlbc (Jul 10, 2015)

After reading several threads on the forum, I'm considering myself fairly lucky. My issues with my partner could be much more serious, but I'm still very unhappy in the relationship, and think about leaving all the time. I'm looking for a sanity check and some advice on what to do.

We have been “married” for almost 10 years, dating for a couple years prior to that, and we have a 5 year old son. Early in the relationship, our responsibilities were few and our financial worries almost non-existent, which allowed for a vast amount of time to enjoy each other’s company. We have a good sex life and share the same spiritual, political, and entertainment interests, so spending stress free 'alone' time together is, for the most part, always fine.

It's in the handling of the day to day stress of jobs, the upkeep of our home, errands, planning, and raising our child that things get ugly, and as time has passed more and more of our time has to be spent on those things. I'm also unhappy with my social life as a result of our relationship. I either struggle with her anti-social behavior when socializing together, or deal with resentment for socializing on my own. 

I have always believed that our goal should be to get through all the day to day responsibilities as partners and as efficiently as possible so that we can have more 'alone time' and time with family and friends. Unfortunately, I feel alone in getting to that time. She shows no interest in planning activities, keeping up a home, being social, and (to an extent) spending quality time with our son. Instead, at every moment possible the iPhone/iPad/book/mirror becomes her escape, leaving me to tend to the home, finances, planning, while trying to entertain and spend quality time with our son. 

It breaks my heart that we aren’t spending more quality, focused, time with our son because she only cares to escape once she gets home, and I spend most of my time around her resenting her for her behavior. I’ve tried throughout the years to discuss it with her, but bringing almost anything except fun, chatty conversation is a total minefield from which I rarely escape. I used to push harder on the issue, but I gave up because it almost always results in a fight. While the fights have grown milder, mostly because I give up and deescalate everything now, they used to be awful. We used to have ‘date nights’ once a week. Our son would stay with family overnight. Most the time it was more like ‘fight night’. We would have 3, 4, 5 hours fights were I would basically get trapped in the house. If I tried to leave, she would follow me outside screaming for all the neighbors to hear. If I stayed she would follow me around screaming at me until I lost my temper and used the D word. Then she would cry inconsolably until I took the initiative to make up. There have even been several occasions were this has happened with our son at home. It makes me so sad to think about him having to hear any of that, even from the other end of the house. Yet another reason I just don’t bring anything up anymore.

I want to be alone, or in a relationship that makes me happy, and I want my son. I deserve it. He deserves it. And, she deserves to be with someone whose expectations are more in line with what she is able to give in a relationship. After years of trying unsuccessfully to find a balance were we can live together happily, am I crazy to be thinking that I’ve been trying too long and that it is time to separate? There a many other questions I have, but whether or not I should seriously be considering separating is my first.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Was she like this before child was born? Is she depressed? 
Looks like she might be depressed, or have other mental issues. Have you talked with her about it?


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## iwtlbc (Jul 10, 2015)

life_huppens said:


> Was she like this before child was born?


 Yes.



life_huppens said:


> Is she depressed?


 I think so.




life_huppens said:


> Looks like she might be depressed, or have other mental issues. Have you talked with her about it?


 We've talked. Most the time it ended in a fight. At one point not directly related to a talk, she went on an anti-depressant. While it made her mood better, it didn't do anything for her lack of interest in responsibilities outside of her job or her lack of interest in being social. She is super introverted, so I don't know that depression is causing her to be anti-social. I think she is just anti-social.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Been unsocial is not the end of the world. Said that it is not the reason to neglect other household responsibilities. Since she was like this before child birth, I would suspect she ether lazy, or might have other mental issues. You should seek medical advise for her.


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## iwtlbc (Jul 10, 2015)

life_huppens said:


> Been unsocial is not the end of the world. Said that it is not the reason to neglect other household responsibilities. Since she was like this before child birth, I would suspect she ether lazy, or might have other mental issues. You should seek medical advise for her.


Though she wouldn't admit it, I fear she thinks those responsibilities are beneath her.


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## tippingpoint (Jan 6, 2015)

I feel for you. My situation is similar---the stable, yet unhappy marriage. Married 21 years, all in all decent years until the last 3--my wife struggles with depression/anxiety, and the energy/enthusiasm for anything is mostly absent. Never too down, but never excited about anything either. Date nights only serve to reinforce our personality differences, leaving me deflated and frustrated. Most nights, before thinking about the kids, dinner, me, or what needs to be done to keep the household functioning, she heads straight to social media or sudoku. Makes zero sense to me. As a result, I end up doing everything for everyone else. It feels like 'learned helplessness' from her, like the older she gets the less confidence she has to accomplish even the most mundane tasks. My sense is that your wife's mental state is similar. How she got to this place has nothing to do with you, and how she'll get out of this state will have very little to do with you as well. 
So what's your play? For me, I know what I want to do, but not seeing my kids 1/2 the time gives me a lot of pause. I'm slowly coming around to the idea of divorce because the status quo is unsustainable. I'm sure you feel the same. Where you and I differ is that my wife and I don't fight---it's more of a situation where she knows I'm not happy, but she's too fearful to address the issues because she doesn't want to force my hand. If I had those kinds of screaming fights, I'd be out the door in a second. It's not healthy for anyone, especially your son. Good luck.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

tippingpoint said:


> I feel for you. My situation is similar---the stable, yet unhappy marriage. Married 21 years, all in all decent years until the last 3--my wife struggles with depression/anxiety, and the energy/enthusiasm for anything is mostly absent. Never too down, but never excited about anything either. Date nights only serve to reinforce our personality differences, leaving me deflated and frustrated. Most nights, before thinking about the kids, dinner, me, or what needs to be done to keep the household functioning, she heads straight to social media or sudoku. Makes zero sense to me. As a result, I end up doing everything for everyone else. It feels like 'learned helplessness' from her, like the older she gets the less confidence she has to accomplish even the most mundane tasks. My sense is that your wife's mental state is similar. How she got to this place has nothing to do with you, and how she'll get out of this state will have very little to do with you as well.
> So what's your play? For me, I know what I want to do, but not seeing my kids 1/2 the time gives me a lot of pause. I'm slowly coming around to the idea of divorce because the status quo is unsustainable. I'm sure you feel the same. Where you and I differ is that my wife and I don't fight---it's more of a situation where she knows I'm not happy, but she's too fearful to address the issues because she doesn't want to force my hand. If I had those kinds of screaming fights, I'd be out the door in a second. It's not healthy for anyone, especially your son. Good luck.


YIKES, this sounds eerily like my sitch, SUDOKU and all...Dude


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I don't think you should belittle your marital issues by saying "I'm lucky compared to others". All of us are lucky compared to worse situations - it doesn't make our situation any less important.

What you described is not a small issue...it is important to deal with it otherwise resentment will grow and cause more stress and conflict. It is not normal for you to be doing all (or even most) of the house care-taking. Also not normal for your date nights to turn in to fight nights or for her to be screaming.

Before you consider separation, go to marital counselling. Get her to understand this needs to be FIXED...otherwise you'll separate.


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