# Fiancee left me like a bolt from the blue



## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I have just removed this due to the personal context as it happenned such a long time back now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Apparently he is not the man you think you knew.

It's a horrible, sad thing to go through. But better now then after you spend even more years with him.

Did you move 8 hours away from your family to be with this guy?


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Yes I did. But we were getting married and had been together a long time. I´ve known him since childhood.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Apparently there is something very big about him that you do not know.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I really feel for you. My stbxh of 22 years did something similar. Don't be surprised if your now ex-boyfriend never speaks to you again. He is a coward. You are better off. Like a previous poster said.....he is not the man you thought he was. Some people are good at a facade. Some people talk about plans for a future together the exact day they abandon. Mine did. Don't go back to him, even if he begs you. He has shown you what he is capable of.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

it´s something you hear or read about but you never imagine it would happen to you


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Incidentaly, he was married before for 10 years and she was seeing someone else. He waited 3 years with no sex and separate bedrooms before calmly going to her to ask for a divorce, after which he treated her like a perfect gentleman. she´s still a friend of ours.

This behavior is TOTALLY uncharacteristic.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

the stress of your life situation made him feel that you were better off without him, and he did this because, in his mind he is not worthy of you. never underestimate the damage to a mans psyche when he feels he failed his family.

.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

People are being very harsh toward your boyfriend, and perhaps it is warranted, but he seems to have succumbed to some weakness rather than some evil intent.

It could be that the realization that he could not provide for you has overwhelmed him. I will not argue with what the other posters have said or might say about this, because it seems so unusual to me, and I have been wrong before, but his self-esteem may just have taken to big a hit for him to deal with.

We have all heard the stories of the Japanese men who took their own lives in the 80's I think, when they could not provide for their families.

He is being very self focused, and not considering you , your son or his son, but people who need help sometimes cannot control their thoughts.

He may be a decent man who is without hope.

The situation with you being with your family and him finding a place is not a bad idea ATM, you are homeless anyway and this will take some of the pressure off.

No one knows what will happen but there is no reason to give up hope yet, be respectful and see where it goes.

It is possible that he has decided that the two of you are not a good team, but I think it more likely that he is broken and needs some time to regroup.

No mater what it sounds like he will have to rebuild his life from here on anyway, he is not dealing with this well but being homeless is not something most men have to face either.

I hope this works out for you all.

Take care!


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I´d stress also that the reason for the homelessness was a housing shortage locally (NOTHING for rent) and neither of us had family nearby to stay with, so we were clocking up the hotel bill on a nightly basis desperately searching and he was getting increasingly worried about the credit card as we have debt issues from a series of bad luck and problems with work. 

We unexpectedly found toxic mold invading our house and it needed fixing up with us out of the house as it was making my son very ill (pneumonia, asthma). Maybe he resented me / us for causing him this problem and expense?

I did offer to go stay with family while it was fixed and he could stay at the house but he said "no way, I want to be with you two" At that time if he´d wanted to separate he could have used it as an ideal opportunity.

I have seen him completely shut down emotions and become like a stranger once before when there was a problem with his son. In the same way the depression built up and he flipped and did the same thing but obviously not causing the same devastation. He had a similar situation where he felt powerless and helpless then. What he´s always done though is cling to me for support.

All of your comments have been amazingly helpful...especially the one about male pride and providing (which never occurred to me) and the one about him feeling hopeless.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

soulsearch said:


> the stress of your life situation made him feel that you were better off without him, and he did this because, in his mind he is not worthy of you. never underestimate the damage to a mans psyche when he feels he failed his family.
> 
> .


I agree with this. Your fiancee seems to have been facing total failure. The fact that you were willing to stand by him made it only worse. He probably feels as if he's going down with the Titanic and doesn't want you coming with him.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I tend to agree that his feelings of hopelessness and helplessness was the reason why he hightailed it out, however, let's not forget that this man ABANDONDED this woman and her young child. She may have had a place to go (thank goodness!) but he still walked out leaving her to hold the bag. This man is so selfish that he couldn't even tell her WHY he was leaving?!? I mean, a text or an email at the very least would have been better than just leaving. 

My point is, even if this man does get a grip and come around (assuming he left because of the hopelessness/helplessness aspect) I'd really think twice as to whether I'd want to be with someone who has that kind of response to stress. What's going to happen when (not if) they encounter another stressful situation? 

Not a risk I'd be willing to take without some assurance from his counselor and him that he has developed healthier coping skills.


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## 2005tahoe (Aug 23, 2013)

My wife did this to me back in June. Told me that she loved me that morning and would see me later.....Then POOF...GONE....no phone call, no reason, no communication at all, even to this day.

It gets better, i know you probably hear that alot, but it does. Hang in there and we are here for you!!


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## 2005tahoe (Aug 23, 2013)

My wife did this to me back in June. Told me that she loved me that morning and would see me later.....Then POOF...GONE....no phone call, no reason, no communication at all, even to this day.

It gets better, i know you probably hear that alot, but it does. Hang in there and we are here for you!!


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Day 5 now since he left, and in that time he´s not seen fit to contact me to let me know what happened. Concern for him based on my complete disbelief that such a sweet, loving man could ever do this is giving way to harsh acceptance of reality.

The man I loved would never do this...so whoever this man is is no longer the person I loved.

He has had 5 days to think it over. He has had time to talk it over with his parents. I am 8 hours away staying in my sister´s house, looking at apartments and schools and by now the reality that we are gone must have hit him. The reality of the pain he must have put me through must have hit him...yet he only cared about himself and his own needs and feelings. The selfishness is almost mind boggling.

I called his best friend, and he told me he had no idea what was going on, that they had spoken for an hour the day before and that he had talked about financial pressure but that he had never at any point in time given any indication whatsoever that he was falling out of love with me or that there were any issues in our relationship. He said he seems to be in a mess.

It can only really be the financial pressure boiling up and him feeling hopeless and helpless, yes, but it doesn't change the fact that he left me and my son in the worst way possible and has put us through 5 days of not knowing why.

His texts and emails are stone cold..like they are designed to hurt me. 

What can´t ever really be changed is that he did this. The person I loved and trusted more than anyone in the world did this to me. I can´t describe the pain I am going through, and he did this to me. There´s no way he can ever be the same to me.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

2005tahoe said:


> My wife did this to me back in June. Told me that she loved me that morning and would see me later.....Then POOF...GONE....no phone call, no reason, no communication at all, even to this day.
> 
> It gets better, i know you probably hear that alot, but it does. Hang in there and we are here for you!!


I am so, so sorry for you. I could never understand how people can be this evil to those they are supposed to love and protect.

Do you have any faith back? Do you still miss her? Could you ever trust anyone again?

i have to say though, for me, it´s our kids pain that makes me hurt the worst.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It probably isn't this, but I'm just throwing this out there...maybe he had a fling with someone else and the guilt pushed him away.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

turnera said:


> It probably isn't this, but I'm just throwing this out there...maybe he had a fling with someone else and the guilt pushed him away.


I did consider this as my first explanation. At least it would make more sense than randomly leaving. I asked him and one of the only questions he would answer was this one and he said "there is absolutely no one else" whereas to every other question he replied "no comment".

Also, he is literally with me or at work every minute and he´s home bang on time every day and checks in with every movement. If he did it was while he was away on business, but again, he called me every night to say he was in bed and texted every minute of the day as he did stuff. He even left Skype on video chat so we could pretend we were in the room together. 

We were incredibly tight...I don´t think that it´s a real possibility unless it happened a long time ago historically. even then, I would find it kind of hard to believe.

Not being egotistical, but he is not very good looking and I people have always thought we were kind of an unmatched pair if you know what I mean. Balding, beer belly and kind of awkward and he never had much luck with women before me. I, on the other hand, had a long line of suitors and chose him because he was kind, sweet, loyal, reliable, funny and perfect and I fell in love with who he was. Also, the sex between us was wild. Off the charts. Even after three years living together we were at it pretty much every day and he couldn´t keep his hands off me. 

The only rough patch we had sexually was the past month. He went away for two weeks on business, when he got back I got bad flu the day after, then it was the time of the month, then this crap happened and we were sharing a hotel room with my son and obviously could only have limited contact on that front. We only had sex 3 times in the four weeks previous to this - which I guess might have contributed. It was just circumstance though...he always wanted it and the desire and affection was there.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

O


sarajane231 said:


> I did consider this as my first explanation. At least it would make more sense than randomly leaving. I asked him and one of the only questions he would answer was this one and he said "there is absolutely no one else" whereas to every other question he replied "no comment".
> 
> Also, he is literally with me or at work every minute and he´s home bang on time every day and checks in with every movement. If he did it was while he was away on business, but again, he called me every night to say he was in bed and texted every minute of the day as he did stuff. He even left Skype on video chat so we could pretend we were in the room together.
> 
> ...


People did warn you of red flags back in March. From your posts back then it seem like you didn't like the responses you got so you rejected them. I know it was a different issue then but you did choose to continue the relationship on spite of the warning and your own concerns


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Any chance he is bipolar?

I have a friend - her ex husband was/is bipolar and he disappeared without any reasons or warnings for 3 or 4 months leaving her with 5 year old and 1 year old... She didn't know if he was alive...

Her current bf is bipolar too - exactly the same scenario... He disappeared before last Christmas (out of the blue) and appeared again in April...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, since you're not married there's not much you can do except to tidy up any contracts you had together such as leases, etc. But I guess being homeless there aren't any of those. Perhaps he thought it best to leave prior to signing any lease and getting married, he's an adult and responsible it seems for his own child, people know what they can handle, and there may be some things they're never going to share with anyone. 

You are so lucky to have a family to go to. Take care of yourself and your son, and try not to think so hard about understanding his motivation, and focus more on your own feelings and actions. Being homeless takes a lot of energy, don't waste it on what-if's and why's.

I think even if he came back it wouldn't be a good choice for you, because you'd always be worried he would do that again, and honestly, that's no way to live.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

sarajane231 said:


> The person I loved and trusted more than anyone in the world did this to me. I can´t describe the pain I am going through, and he did this to me. There´s no way he can ever be the same to me.


So sorry SaraJane.

What he is doing is unconscionable for a mans behavior.
Remember your last sentence here and don't ever rug sweep this.

This is weird and over the top even for TAM.

I do wish you well, Take care!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Sounds to me like he buckled under the pressure of trying to provide for you and your son. 

He went into self preservation mode.

In the end, except for perhaps taking care of one's own children, it's all about #1.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

He has phoned me tonight twice. First to apologise and see if I was ok. he said it was all he could do as he felt he couldn´t cope. He said he felt the full impact of what he had done had not yet hit him. He was very sad and cried a lot. I was friendly but emotionless - not willing to let him take my dignity too.

He called again a few hours later to ask if I would be willing to go up next weekend and choose from our furniture what I wanted to take. No kids, just us to sort it. And he wanted to give me back my engagement ring which is and always was mine. Said he is booking me a flight which I can take if I choose.

He kept getting choked up. He doesn't want me back (or he at least didn't day that), but at least it was a comfort to see he did care somewhat and to see a glimmer of the person he was.

I don´t know whether I will go up and see him. one the one hand, I would like a chance to see him and talk face to face for some answers and also (despite it all) I miss him.

However, I also am aware that it might be a bad idea..and will only hurt me worse

I have already signed on a lease here, and signed my son up for school so there is no danger of me going back to him. However, right now I feel emotionally detached from him and if I see him, I will either hate him, or love him.

Very confusing, but I think no matter what the explanation or reasons or how sorry he is...even if he does change his mind I rally dont think I can love him the same way. He ruined us. I think some things are just to awful to move on from. Am I being unfair?

that said...he might not ever want me back and this request might be as he says a chance to say goodbye in a civilized way


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Last Long Lifelong said:


> Nothing happens _to_ us; it happens _for_ us.
> 
> Easier said than done, but keeping this perspective at times like this can be a lifesaver.


That quote has really helped me through the day today. Thank you:smthumbup:


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

you have to fly there, but he wants to give you furniture? how are you getting it home? and off he freaked out over finances so much, how is he affording air faire for your flight? something seems odd with him.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

We´d ship it down with my personal effects...it´s an 8 hour drive, so a short flight and not to expensive.

If we´re not together, the financial problems are gone. I get back to where my work is (where he moved me was very remote) and he gets to move to a small apartment instead of a big house.

His financial freak was that he was in debt with no way of ever paying it off and concern he couldn´t make the payment...now we´re gone he will have heaps of spare income that wil enable him to pay it off in a year or two.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

sarajane231 said:


> ...now we´re gone he will have heaps of spare income that wil enable him to pay it off in a year or two.


Ah, well, isn't that just swell for HIM! issed:

And to answer your question from an earlier post, you are being MORE than fair. I am surprised that you are being friendly to him after what he has done to you and your son. You are certainly a better person than I am. 

Hang in there and tap into that anger that is simmering below when you need it. 

And do you really need to go back? In my opinion, it's not about the furniture because you can discuss that over the phone and he can make the arrangements to get it to you but rather he wants to smoothe things over and relieve himself of some guilt. But that's just my humble opinion. 

Good luck.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: Fiancee left me like a bolt from the blue*



sarajane231 said:


> We´d ship it down with my personal effects...it´s an 8 hour drive, so a short flight and not to expensive.
> 
> If we´re not together, the financial problems are gone. I get back to where my work is (where he moved me was very remote) and he gets to move to a small apartment instead of a big house.
> 
> His financial freak was that he was in debt with no way of ever paying it off and concern he couldn´t make the payment...now we´re gone he will have heaps of spare income that wil enable him to pay it off in a year or two.


not a man worth your effort. I'm sorry he hurt you, but better now than after marriage..... and possibly children.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> He probably feels as if he's going down with the Titanic and doesn't want you coming with him.


He felt like the Titanic was going down, so he told his family to stay down in steerage while he checked on things, only he never came back. He dressed up like a woman and jumped in a lifeboat.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

sarajane231 said:


> He kept getting choked up. He doesn't want me back (or he at least didn't day that), but at least it was a comfort to see he did care somewhat and to see a glimmer of the person he was. ...
> 
> Very confusing, but I think no matter what the explanation or reasons or how sorry he is...even if he does change his mind I rally dont think I can love him the same way. He ruined us. I think some things are just to awful to move on from. Am I being unfair?


Sarajane, I am truly sorry this happened to you - and right before the holidays, too.  I'm very glad you kept your emotional distance when talking to him.

No, you are not being unfair. Your former fiance has demonstrated, among other things, a) poor coping skills and b) a tendency to run from problems instead of working through them (i.e. turning to porn when you were ill - and what loving, caring person does that to begin with?!?; cheating on his first wife; leaving you with no explanation). To my mind, he is NOT a role model for your son (or his own, either), and certainly not marriage material. 

Although it's painful as hell, I agree with the other posters: Better to find this out now, and be free to find someone who *will* stand by you in good times and bad. Who cares *why* he left? The fact is, he did. He's obviously a selfish idiot who could care less about hurting others. All he's looking out for is himself: "Oh, *I'm* so broken ... *I* can't cope ... *I'm* gonna break down ... " Ummm, what about me and my son, you jerk? Did you stop to think that it would hurt US, too?!?

Do not meet up with him anywhere, especially at the house. He just wants to see you so he can soothe his own conscience, and be able to tell himself - and possibly mutual friends - that he exited on good terms with you. That's crap. Have him ship the items to your home. If he can afford a plane ticket for you, he can afford to do that. Tell him via text/email what items you want, and keep it cool and unemotional. 

No more talking to him, either; don't take his calls, and don't respond if mutual friends give you messages from him. Do NOT grace him with your presence; he's already shown what he thinks of that. You and your son deserve better - and from what I've read, you are definitely relationship and marriage material! Hold your head high, don't badmouth him (except in private in your room - which you have every right to do), and know that he lost more than he can ever replace.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Ask him instead if he could just send you a check for what the airfare would be and how much he can get by selling your share of the furniture. Sounds like that would be much more helpful. He just wants to make himself feel better by going through the whole closure thing. After you already had to go through your own closure on an ad hoc, surprise schedule. If he wanted closure, he had the chance to arrange for it before he bailed. It's tempting for you to go to see him as you likely have a tender heart for his psychic pain...but don't do it. Tough love is the answer here, towards him, and self-respect for yourself. What could you possibly gain that's of any value to you? Let him send a big fat check. Curl up with that, I guarantee it will keep you warm. As for the engagement ring, ask him to send it, then sell it off and invest the money. In 50 years you can treat yourself to something really nice, and raise a glass to his memory.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Well, I did meet up with him. I am with him now, he´s sleeping. I just decided I needed to see him face to face and ask questions about what had happened and how.

When I arrived yesterday, his eyes filled up with tears as soon as he saw me and he couldn't stop hugging and kissing me. He told me right away that he had spoken in anger / confusion / a moment of stress and that he hadn´t meant the things he´s said. He says he wishes he could travel back in time and do anything but what he did. He says he was cold / cut me off because he put a way up around himself because he was in so much pain. I can see in his eyes and actions that he is telling me the truth. He said he was willing to do anything required to get me back.

At first I was so happy...of course this is all I wanted to hear. Now he has rented his own place already and it cannot be undone. He says he thinks I should rent a place nearby him, so we can start again. Date from the beginning and see what happens. His reasoning for this is that he believes the stresses and pressures of life put so much on us that we lost "us" and he wants another chance to build it. He thinks time in separate houses will give him time to work out of his depression, and me time to get over my anger at him. 

In a way his plan makes practical sense, as my business is here, my son´s school is here, it means the kids can still see each other and it of course gives me the opportunity to spend a few months talking with him to see what can be salvaged.

I came downstairs to write here, as a day later I feel just very sad. A few weeks ago I had a home, a family and we were so happy. I feel like I lost everything that mattered most to us. I love this man, but he has hurt me so much and humiliated me.

He left me when I needed him most, even though it was temporary, and I don't WANT to live all the way up here in the country with no family and no friends alone with my son. the idea makes me feel really sad and lonely.

However, it´s been pointed out to me that if I go down South where my friends and family are I will probably be at home alone most of the time anyway as they all have their own lives. At least here the surroundings seem familiar.

_Do you think you can forgive a person for leaving you for 10 days? Do you think a relationship can be rebuilt and come out just as strong after one of you has done something to hurt the other so terribly?_

I am feeling so low. Probably the lowest I have ever felt. I have found myself thinking about just jumping in front of a car or something. Not that I actually would, but it just feels like the only escape from my sadness. I was so happy before.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he really wanted 'only you' and it was a 'big mistake,' he'd be asking you to move in with him in his new place.

Notice that's not happening.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what if your family is busy and has their own lives? Move to be near your family for support when you need it, and get on with your life. MAKE a new life that will be fulfilling, not one where you have to give up everything just to be near a man. A man can't complete you.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Moving him to his new place with him is out of the question. It doesn´t have a bedroom for my son and it´s an hour from his school. If I stay here I will need to live alone.

I get what you´re saying, and i wish I felt like that, but the truth is...my family DID complete me. Right or wrong, it was the most important part of my life.

I didn´t lose just a man, I lost a home, a stepson I adored, my son´s Dad, my son´s brother and yes, those things were the most important parts of my life.

I know I need to start a new one, but I cant help feeling like I want the old one back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

At what cost to you?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

This man child did not have a moment of weakness. He wants to be single. He went behind your back and rented an apartment he knew would be too small for all of you to live in........how convenient for him. If he truly snapped, he would have slept on a friend's couch for a week or so while making sure you were taken care of, but he did not do that. He wants you as backup in a separate apartment while he lives in the bachelor pad. Tell him to take a hike. He is not reliable. He has shown you what he is capable of. Don't act like a toy on a shelf for him. Find a real man.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think most of us who read your story could have predicted this as soon as you went back to talk about furniture. Now he has a place too small for you and your son but wants to date you. Exclusively? Can you really trust that? Should you?


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I really don´t know to be honest. Half of me agrees with what you´re saying (and totally hates him), the other half is watching him with my eyes and sees only a completely broken man.

He is crying in the shower. He doesn´t eat. He shakes. He´s retching. I think he has had, or is still having, a complete nervous breakdown and simply cannot cope with life. He needs help.

I am not saying that is OK because he caused enormous harm to those around him...but I don´t agree that he wants to be a bachelor or has some sort of evil intent. 

I am not saying I am getting back together with him, I am just saying I want to hep him, not hate him.

My son wrote him a note for me to bring here. He sealed it with wax. It said "I am almost happy. I would just be happy if my Dad was here. I miss you".

It´s incredibly difficult for me to rip a small kid out of school, his town, his Dad, his friends, his brother. I feel like what I need to do is get my son stable and back into school and some semblance of a normal life; then take time (weeks, months) for myself to decide the best path forward.

I am aware that it´s very, very likely that the damage (nervous breakdown or not) that this man has caused me and our children will be irreparable; but I am not going to act on impulse.

My impulse...of COURSE is to run away as far as I can, start a new life and get on with it. It´s so much more complicated when you have responsibility for a little person


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Is he seeking help for his breakdown? I am sure that none of us can condemn someone for having a breakdown, however, he needs to recognise he needs to develop better coping skills and in the meantime, try some mood stabilising meds.

Ultimately, you have to decide if you are willing to give him another chance, but unless you can see if he is taking steps to help with his mental and emotional state it may not be worth your effort.

I actually agree with the premise of not moving back in together straight away if you do decide to give him another chance, as it gives you both an opportunity to talk and re-connect without the pressures that come when you cohabit. 

If you are going to go ahead with the relationship, make sure that you both can address the issues that brought you to this point, don't rug sweep or they will just come back out again at a later date, perhaps with even greater consequences.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

He´s not ready to seek help yet. At the moment, we need to finish packing up the house and the removers are coming for both our things over the next few days. I think this situation is incredibly stressful for him, and he is struggling to continue. 

In the interests of everyone involved, I need to help him pack the house up and deal with the practicalities in order to get he and i both settled in our new places and _*then*_ is the time for me to suggest he sees a professional.

He really sincerely needs help and as you say, I do believe that cohabiting right now would be the worst thing for him. I cannot offer him the unconditional love and patience he needs because I am also heartbroken myself. This is a journey he needs to make alone without the pressures of a woman and children.

For me to decide whether to give him another chance, I need a lot of time, and I need to speak to him once he is out of his current mental state and he needs stability to get there.

All he wants now is to go back in time, and as the midst clears he is having to face the pain he has caused. He is a kind and gentle man of enormous integrity. As I said he always acts with caution and much thought and he has always out our children first. The realization of what he has done is upon him, and it has broken his heart worse than he ever broke mine.

Am I wrong for having pity for him? I guess maybe most people wouldn´t, but if you love a person you love them still at their worst and their weakest. this man was kind to me every day for many, many years. Does 10 days wipe it out? No.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

This story has the same ending as your March episode. Despite most poster advising you to just be glad you not married and move on for the sake of your son you convince yourself to stay. Tell us again how these "episodes" provide "stability" for your son?

At least you not moving in with him so there is still a chance for you to come to your senses. This man sound disturb on top of being incredibly selfish. Stay with him and heartbreak seem in your future.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> This story has the same ending as your March episode. Despite most poster advising you to just be glad you not married and move on for the sake of your son you convince yourself to stay. Tell us again how these "episodes" provide "stability" for your son?
> 
> At least you not moving in with him so there is still a chance for you to come to your senses. This man sound disturb on top of being incredibly selfish. Stay with him and heartbreak seem in your future.


I think anyone who broke up a family with two kids involved because their fiancee was watching porn once would be very silly. I was upset back in March, of course, but it´s not a relationship ender.

What´s happenned now is horrendous, but to insinuate that i should have known that my fiancee would leave me because he watched porn once is really judgmental and unfair. This person was kind, sweet and living to me every day for many years.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tell him to get help for his nervous break down.do not do anything until he does.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

In some way he has done something for you. He has taken his illness away. Don't rush to take responsibility for him in his illness. That is a heavy burden and you must take care of your son first. The two boys can continue to have a relationship independent of you, depending on their age.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

sarajane231 said:


> I think anyone who broke up a family with two kids involved because their fiancee was watching porn once would be very silly. I was upset back in March, of course, but it´s not a relationship ender.
> 
> What´s happenned now is horrendous, but to insinuate that i should have known that my fiancee would leave me because he watched porn once is really judgmental and unfair. This person was kind, sweet and living to me every day for many years.


I don't mean to be judgmental or unfair but the situation you describe in that post was so much more than "he watch porn once". Nevertheless by you own admission this situation is current horrendous yet you still have justify staying in this relationship. It would be one thing if it were just you but you have your son to consider also. It sounds like you just don't want to be alone even at the expense of your son.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> In some way he has done something for you. He has taken his illness away. Don't rush to take responsibility for him in his illness. *That is a heavy burden and you must take care of your son first. *The two boys can continue to have a relationship independent of you, depending on their age.


Clearly she don't get that or just choose to ignore it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have a feeling there's stuff you don't know here, stuff that you need to know so you will know what to do for the future.

Something's not making sense.:scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sarajane231 said:


> He´s not ready to seek help yet.


Of course not. He got YOU to come back.

As long as YOU are there, he will not get help. He will not change his ways.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> I don't mean to be judgmental or unfair but the situation you describe in that post was so much more than "he watch porn once". Nevertheless by you own admission this situation is current horrendous yet you still have justify staying in this relationship. It would be one thing if it were just you but you have your son to consider also. It sounds like you just don't want to be alone even at the expense of your son.


No, the opposite is true...if I weren´t considering my son, I´d fly off to my parents house in the south of Spain, have a long holiday, party and get over it with the beach and some ****tails.

Unfortunately I have to make my son the priority in this mess. He´s got school to think of, he has a Dad and a Brother. He also has Asbergers syndrome and any disruption is really stressful for him. changing every part of his life overnight with no warning is traumatic.

If I have to suck it up, I will.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

His life has already been disrupted, hasn't it?


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Temporarily, but if I can get him back into a place on our own, at his own school with his own friends and the chance to see his Dad and brother sometimes at weekends it´s less disruptive overall.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sarah, I'd be fine with that, IF this doesn't turn into you becoming your guy's lifesaver again.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

one comment from here keeps going round and round in my head...

"He told his family to stay down in steerage while he checked on things, only he never came back. He dressed up as a woman and jumped on a lifeboat."

I know that´s ultimately what happenned...and he may be suferring from depression and some sort of mental collapse but he had the ability to preserve HIMSELF. He rented a place for HIMSELF. He drove HIMSELF to his parents.

He didn´t give a crap about us.

I´ll do whatever is best for my little boy, but I´ll not forget, and he´ll not be the same person in my eyes.

I´m a gentle natured person, anger doesn´t come easy to me, but I guess all I ever wanted was someone who would be there for me no matter what. He´s not that guy.

Starting to feel it.


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

sarajane231 said:


> one comment from here keeps going round and round in my head...
> 
> "He told his family to stay down in steerage while he checked on things, only he never came back. He dressed up as a woman and jumped on a lifeboat."
> 
> ...


Keep this anger you have gotten to the root of it. It was all about saving himself. He will do it again some time in the future when you least can afford it. Please, move away from him.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

sarajane231 said:


> I really don´t know to be honest. Half of me agrees with what you´re saying (and totally hates him), the other half is watching him with my eyes and sees only a completely broken man.
> 
> He is crying in the shower. He doesn´t eat. He shakes. He´s retching. I think he has had, or is still having, a complete nervous breakdown and simply cannot cope with life. He needs help.


Sounds like he needs some medical help... The physical reaction is quite severe... Or he has really good acting skills.

What surprises me is that in such conditions he managed to find a new apartment and put an agreement in place:scratchhead: I would say that he can cope at least with something...


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I have done a lot of reading up on nervous breakdowns and they can apparently cause you to abandon your family and push away those closest to you. It sounds like it´s pretty common. the diferrence is...the person with the breakdown usually takes off for a few days or weeks to recover then comes home.

Our situation is made different only by the unfortunate circumstances.

For now, we finished packing up our house and I helped him into his new place. He was, without question, a broken and lost man, but there were moments of such love in the past few days that made me realise what unconditional love really is.

He collapsed in the street crying and saying sorry just after we picked up the keys and we both clung to each other at night,m the tears rocking us, wishing that anything could be done to reverse the damage and bring us back home where we know we belong.

I learned so much from him about how we came to this. He said he had felt that he could not talk to me about anything negative because he felt like he needed to protect me and "be the man". He thought that if I knew he felt hopeless and like a failure, that I would think he was weak and would stop loving him because he said he never understood why I was with him to begin with. He suffered for many months in silence, feeling depressed and unable to cope. He finally snapped when we were made homeless and could not cope with looking after anyone but himself.

While I am so, so angry with him...it´s hard to feel that he intended any of it. I know he would give his life to go back in time and no one can cry continuously for four days and it be fake. i can hear his heart racing when i lay on his chest and I know all he needs is rest and kindness.

He´s still detached from the reality of the pain he has caused, especially to the children, but it will hit him over the coming weeks. I can honestly say that the worst pain has been caused to himself and his healing process from his breakdown will be months in the making.

I felt, when he was at his weakest, telling me all the thoughts and worries he had never shared before; that despite it all...that I had never loved him more, and I think in those hours and minutes that i got an understanding of what real love was.

Hopefully, some good will come of the tragedy, and he will realise than 40 years of bottling up every negative thought and emotion will eventually (with enough outside pressure) cause a temporary breakdown where the brain simply cannot continue.

I can honestly say, in four years together he has never snapped at me, never told me anything i did bothered him. I´ve also never seen him snap at anyone else, or even have a confrontation. Not even his ex wife when she was sleeping with the neighbor for years. He must find the help to begin to express these negative emotions and I hope he does or he is a ticking time bomb.

Despite it all, he is unfit (now at least) to live with his family, and we need to get our own apartment and begin life again. Who knows what happens next, if I will ever be able to forgive or trust again.

People tell me that forgiveness in this situation is a big ask. I know it is. I hope one day i can do it.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

This man clearly a mental case. Why in the world you want to take that on I dont know. You surely not equipped to handle it because you not a psychiatrist or psychologist. Sometime even they can't help people with mental issues. You know you or him can't handle or stop at you being just a support friend so you should just move on. 

Since you claim you moving back so your son can be near his dad and brother then your son don't need a father figure. Who knows maybe down the road he will be stable enough to provide stability but right now you don't need all his excess baggage in your life. I know this may sound cruel but if he won't get help then he really not thinking about you like he claim. He just want to dump on you and use you for a emotional crutch. It is mystery why you want to take on this crap. Too bad you can't just be a friend and move on and find someone less complicated for a potential mate.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

committed is giving you some tough love there, sister....but you really need it right now.

You need to pour as much love and concern on yourself and your kid as you are on this guy...and stop pouring it on this guy at all.

It is possible to love without also pouring your soul on someone. He doesn't need that level of concern from you...you need it from yourself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would just say that, at this point, any response from you for now should just be 'have you started going to therapy?' Each time he reaches out, it should be 'you need the help of a professional to get through this' or something similar.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

> He said he had felt that he could not talk to me about anything negative because he felt like he needed to protect me and "be the man".





> He thought that if I knew he felt hopeless and like a failure, that I would think he was weak and would stop loving him because he said he never understood why I was with him to begin with.


I don't get it. You have been loving, supportive and faithful. And yet, he has issues revealing thoughts and feelings to you, runs when the real crap hits the fan, drives himself to his parents' and "recovers," and sends you cold, unemotional text messages when you demand some kind of closure or answer for what he did. Then he rents a place that coincidentally happens to be too small for ALL of you, blubbers and cries all day, proclaiming his love and wanting you back (but in a neighboring apartment, not his own).

Have you asked yourself what inside you is drawn to this turn-and-turn-again stuff? This is neither romantic nor emotionally healthy. And it's NOT stable for your son, either.



> He's still detached from the reality of the pain he has caused, especially to the children, but it will hit him over the coming weeks.


One, how do you know he's detached from the pain he caused? And two, who said it would *ever* hit him? A reasonably emotionally-healthy person would have considered the pain BEFORE he/she ran. Or, it would have hit him/her immediately.

I agree with committed4ever and Faithful Wife: This man has serious mental and emotional problems. You are not, and never were, qualified to handle or fix them - that responsibility rests with HIM. Get your own apartment and focus on rebuilding YOUR life and your's son's.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

You are all so right.

We were engaged with kids, living together, I´d relocated and given up home, family, job and friends to move to the other side of the country for him. i was loving, supportive and caring every single day and as far as I knew we were incredibly happy. Times got hard and he walked out on us, leaving me in the worst possible situation, without any discussion or indication in any way that he was ever unhappy. he took care of himself (got himself a place to live, got himself to his family to recover) and left me with no explanation except the big freeze.

When he missed me, he asked me to come to him (which I did) and he spent 5 days telling me how much he adored me and wanted to get back together.

At no point in this has he really cared about me, or (worse) our kids. my son is asking me why his Dad doesn´t love him.

The guy is a DOUCHE BAG...nervous breakdown or not. I am not over him, of course not, he was the big love of my life and this only happened on the 16th of November. However, I am aware now that he is a DOUCHE and in time I will begin to get over him.

I know I have been in major denial...but trust me, when you completely love a person, who is kind to you every day, would do anything for you, is your best friend, listens to everything you say, laughs with you every night, raises kids with you, takes on your child like he was his own and makes a HAPPY committed life with you...it is incredibly hard to accept that this was all based on him being "happy" with our life and me providing for his every need and that all his feelings would no longer matter if life suddenly became tough.

It´s *incredibly *hard to accept. Most relationships have weeks, months or even years of problems or arguments. We had none of that. It was a complete shock and he´d told absolutely no one he was unhappy in any way...actually the opposite.

Either he has had a complete mental breakdown and can´t cope with family life...in which case he is a weak assed DOUCHE who saved himself and screwed his family, or worse, he simply decided off the cuff that life would be simpler without me and a sick kid.

I have absolutely no idea how to get over it, but I am guessing day by day and a few nights out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that you had this happen to you. You are right, you get over it day by day. Live your life and start moving on. One day you will realize that you are so over him.

He's really not the person you thought he was in all this time. Now you have seen the person that he kept hidden from you for so long.

What has happened since you returned from your trip to see him? Has he even contacted you?

Focus on your son. As hard as this is for you to understand, it's 100 times harder for him. Make sure that he knows that he's not at fault here. Children will often blame themselves when someone stops acting like they love the child.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry that you had this happen to you. You are right, you get over it day by day. Live your life and start moving on. One day you will realize that you are so over him.
> 
> He's really not the person you thought he was in all this time. Now you have seen the person that he kept hidden from you for so long.
> 
> ...


Since the trip there, this is what happened. I left Saturday morning, and he texted and called all day Saturday to tell me he loved and missed me. He went to look at apartments for me (even though I asked him not to) because he said he KNEW there was hope for us). He begged me to keep in touch, to call him that night.

I talked to my son, asked him where he wanted to live. He says he wants to go back to his old school, so based on this, I booked a train ticket for today back "home", called my son´s school to get him a place, and paid for an apartment.

24 hours later, back to the big freeze. He starts acting like a stranger again and he gives me a weird call to say that all the texts and calls are making it hard for him to move on, and that he doesn´t want me to move back purely in the hope of us starting up again as he´s not sure we will. I said "you´re the one texting and calling ME!!!"

Literally like a schizophrenic moment. Right then, I completely snapped.

Everyone is telling me that he is clearly trying to distance himself emotionally from me in order to "do what he must" and that the next time I see him, he will realise all over again...and that is probably true. BUT...it doesn´t change it!!! He can´t treat me like this! I have a kid in tow here and have given him the utmost patience and understanding and he is treating me like crap on his shoe.

it´s insane. Yes, he must have hidden this side of himself from me ALL this time. Unbelievable.

All I can say is this: i KNOW all his exes and he treated them all great! He´s literally never behaved like this before and no one understands what the hell is going on.

*I AM DONE* I told my son we´re starting afresh, and that´s just what we will do!


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Good for you. Probably the best choice you can make at this point. Your son is the number one priority and he does not need to be around that. It sounds like he was once a good man. I hope he gets the help he needs. As someone who pulled through similar a financial hardship that he cracked under, I can say that the only things that kept me going was my family. Failure was not an option to me with a wife and kids depending on me. They kept me going. 

Good luck girl
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Hold on to that resolve and really be done.

Don't expect yourself to get over it or him overnight...take it a day at a time.

So sorry you are going through this.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Good for you. Probably the best choice you can make at this point. Your son is the number one priority and he does not need to be around that. It sounds like he was once a good man. I hope he gets the help he needs. As someone who pulled through similar a financial hardship that he cracked under, I can say that the only things that kept me going was my family. Failure was not an option to me with a wife and kids depending on me. They kept me going.
> 
> Good luck girl
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your wife and family are really lucky


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I know somewhere in the back of my mind that there are so many lessons to learn from this. Not least about someone being "too perfect" and the obvious....allowing yourself to become completely dependent on another person.

I´ll certainly have my guard up again in the future...not in a cynical way, but just with the understanding of the very sad fact that absolutely anyone can turn on you at any time and it´s best to be prepared.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Hi all. Am update almost a month after all this. I am doing ok. Good days and bad. My son is ok. We are adjust. I have had limited contact with the ex but have to see him sometimes due to kids or exchanging stuff! 

His story is essentially that over the period of big stress in our lives; I changed and stopped making him happy. He essentially stopped loving me, which he said he didnt realise himself until the moment he left. Still seems totally bizarre to me to fall out of love in a week, but he says he did. He said he realised he wasnt strong enough to argue with me to sort out problems.

I guess his breakdown was guilt?

Its very hard accepting that someone you loved and trusted so much, who you had a beautiful and loving relationship with is capable of such evil but I guess I dodged a bullet.

Incidentally, he still makes excuses to see / call me and when he dies he always tries to touch me and says he still wants to kiss and hold me. I guess he has a very confused idea of what falling out of love means.

Really...his behaviour makes no sense in my mind. I ignore his advances. It ocvurs to me that maybe he was only sexually infatuated with me the ENTIRE time and putting on an act to keep me.

Anyway...thanks to all of you for the support. It has really helped me through the darkest time xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

The guy wanted his cake and he wanted to eat the whole damn thing. The little child got his own pad that is big enough for just himself and he wanted to keep you around so you guys can cling/sex when he felt like he loved you of all of sudden for the day. In his mind - why get married? You would be around and he can cling to you whenever he wants? It's ideal to plenty of people. You are a FWB's to which he says 'I love you/miss you' to make you stay right where you are. You know how easy it is to say I love you? Its three words.. takes about 1 second if you are really good at. Words don't mean SH*T, ITS ACTIONS THAT MAKE THE MATTER.

Sadly, this happens to at least someone everyday. We all have known personal friends go through this or ourselves. People change, but THANK THE LORD, that they change before marriage. 

My girl's really good friend is going through what you go through. My girl has given up on her because she just does not listen. This guy loves her one minute and then doesn't want to be around her the next. They were perfect for years and then he just switched off and this whole thing has been going on for the last year now. Currently, (which I don't condone) the girl is having a fling with another guy so maybe she is finally taking a step in the right path. 

We only live one life. When someone gives up on you, you move on and make them regret it for the rest of their life.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

soulsearch said:


> you have to fly there, but he wants to give you furniture? how are you getting it home? and off he freaked out over finances so much, how is he affording air faire for your flight? something seems odd with him.


And also the diamond rings. Why buy diamonds when the financial situation is not so good. It is so hard to believe that there is a place with no rent possibilities, maybe on a small island. 

Don't want to sound judgmental, I feel for your situation.


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

Wow, sounds like you have done the right thing. Good for you for refusing to fall for his BS any longer! You sound like a very smart person and a great mother. You will come out of this stronger than ever and eventually find the happiness you deserve. 

The hot/cold attitude he has must be so infuriating. I can imagine it is hard to resist when he shows glimmers of the person you thought he was. As time goes by, it will definitely get easier. 

I have a friend that is going through something similar - and she has wasted years with a guy jerking her around, breaking up with her, then he can't live without her, gets her back and starts treating her badly again. She just keeps getting sucked back in every single time and it is ruining her life. 

Stay strong - you WILL make it through this.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

My ex used similar language to justify his returning to abusing opiates. He explained that "you know, one day you just realize the person you're with does stuff you don't like and you can't do anything about it." He had been doing me a favor, he said, by suppressing his disappointment with me by self-medicating. So saieth the drug addict, eh? He never specified what the "stuff" was he didn't like. Heck, that might have led to finding an actual solution and he'd have to give up the dope....

People who care about the relationship tell the truth to each other and work things out so they can get it out of the way, back to the business of feeling good. 

Some people just believe the crap in their own minds. And I suspect they usually have an agenda that justifies that. Your guy got what he wanted. 

You've come out of it sounding strong, healthy, and newly aware of this form of b.s. You're going to be fine! And yes you dodged a bullet there.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

sarajane231 said:


> one comment from here keeps going round and round in my head...
> 
> "He told his family to stay down in steerage while he checked on things, only he never came back. He dressed up as a woman and jumped on a lifeboat."
> 
> ...


The best thing you can do for your little boy is to take care of your self. Kids growing up in a "broken" aka divorced, split families are not the worst thing that can happen. The worst thing that can happen is watch your parent fall apart over the years and not being able to do anything to help. My parents divorced when I was 5, I got over it and was glad that my dad found happiness with another woman, my mum however has been a mess all her life after the split.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Feeling-Lonely said:


> And also the diamond rings. Why buy diamonds when the financial situation is not so good. It is so hard to believe that there is a place with no rent possibilities, maybe on a small island.
> 
> Don't want to sound judgmental, I feel for your situation.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Yeah. I agreed about the diamonds! However where we live there is a housing crisis. 2-3 properties a month come up and 10 people apply. Its a crapshoot. A month later and myself and my son STILL dont have a place and we're staying in a vacation lodge while we wait
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sarajane231 said:


> I changed and stopped making him happy. He essentially stopped loving me


More data for my theory. Men are glad to shower you with love - as long as you continue to fill your 'mother' role and ensure they get their happiness quotient filled. If not, all bets are off.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Out of interest, I have been to see two therapists about this and explained the situation in detail to them to see if they could shed any light.

Both of them said that they felt he has had a "flight" response to massive stress, and that over time as he recovers that he will regret what has been done. They both felt that I should offer support and keep the door open for the future - as it was the situation - not our relationship that was broken. they both said that if a man is under enough mental pressure to show the physical symptoms he´s exhibited that he would not properly know what he was saying or doing.

What I don´t understand about this is how ANYONE could get so stressed that they leave their family and tell their fiance they don´t love them anymore. Espeically if they percieve their fiance as the cause of the majority of problems (which he does right now). they both said that in this state a person wasn´t capable of caring about anyone but themselves and that until proved otherwise (with many months of recovery) that I should treat whatever he says or does as unreal.

I also don´t get how they think (presuming this is true) that you WORK on that. wouldn´t I still be sitting there 5 years down the road every time something bad came up wondering if he was going to run away? How would the kids ever reconcile it?

I am so mad at him for breaking up our family!!! Christmas is coming and I want BOTH kids and everyone to be normal.

To be honest, as the stress is properly hitting me now (I actually think I was in shock for the first month and not really taking it in) that i myself might be crumbling. I am finding it hard to think, can´t eat, only sleep 3 - 4 hours a night, find it hard to do anything or concentrate, I have a lot of nausea and am having chest pains of my own. I hope a bit of rest at my parents house after this nightmare will put me back to my normal self.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sarajane231 said:


> What I don´t understand about this is how ANYONE could get so stressed that they leave their family and tell their fiance they don´t love them anymore.


Sadly, I've seen people do exactly this, more than a few times. It is a panic response, because all they care about at the moment is getting away from the pain (having to admit he failed).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As far as waiting for him, I wouldn't consider it unless he starts getting therapy to dig down to his childhood issues that caused this.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Having gone through it in my head a lot over the past few months I have seen a LOT of build up that I didn´t notice.

He was showing signs of depression from six months previously but I didn´t recognise them

I admittedly HAD changed under the pressure of the past six months and had become fearful, nervous, negative compared to the happy go lucky person I was before.

He was very scared of me leaving him from day 1 looking back. His first wife left him, so I think he was trying to be PERFECT to ensure he kept me happy and in doing so he might have just worn himself out.

He could not talk to me or speak up for himself - although this is his problem, not mine.

I was very dependent on him in every sense (I guess due to me relocating) but I could have put less pressure on him.

It´s good for me now to see that - but love in blind and you kind of miss or donñt see the dysfunctional parts if you´re crazy in love.

It´s been an eye opener, and time for me to get happy ALONE.


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