# How much should we 'sacrifice' for love?



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Some people believe that once we’re in a relationship or married, that we’re supposed to be willing to sacrifice ANYTHING in order for our partner to be ‘comfortable’ in his/her own skin, and for us to continue in the relationship. 

But I believe that there is such a thing as _TOO MUCH _'sacrificing' to the point of using "love" in order to manipulate or take advantage of 'us'. 

I once had a (heated)discussion with my late husband about this very issue. He told me, “A person should only make a sacrifice _once in a while_.” Yet, he expected ME to constantly make sacrifices for his sake. 

While I agree that _some _sacrifices may be necessary in order to keep the relationship going, there can come a point where our partner may be asking too much of us and the sacrifice becomes unreasonable. When this happens, our partner can counter with, "If you _love_ me you would..." which, in *my* book is often pure manipulation and is setting us up to take advantage of us (which is NOT 'love'). 

_*At what point do 'sacrifices' become unreasonable*_? 

How much should we sacrifice for the sake of "love"? Do we sacrifice our friends? Our job? Our children? Our home? Our finances? Traveling? Hobbies? Pets? Future plans? Our hair style? Mode of dress? Tastes? Ideas? Religion? 

When is it not "love" anymore?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If it feels like a sacrifice, then it isn't love.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Vega said:


> Some people believe that once we’re in a relationship or married, that we’re supposed to be willing to sacrifice ANYTHING in order for our partner to be ‘comfortable’ in his/her own skin, and for us to continue in the relationship.
> 
> But I believe that there is such a thing as _TOO MUCH _'sacrificing' to the point of using "love" in order to manipulate or take advantage of 'us'.
> 
> ...


I have never met anyone that thought that a married person must sacrifice ANYTHING.

Even your late husband said that sacrifice should be made "once in a while". If you felt you were sacrificing so much then some introspection is needed. If you martyred yourself i.e. gave too much, sacrificed too much through choice then it is unrealistic to place the blame on the other partner.

You sacrificed too much but you allowed it to happen. If you were manipulated that is on you as well. Your ex was not a prize catch but sorry to say you let him get away with it all. 

As to the OP, personally I rarely feel I am sacrificing. There are times that I am being pulled in many directions and doing a lot for other people but it is done because I want to do things for the people I love.
I have sacrificed a little bit of autonomy of my own path in life due to MrH's crazy ex wife and the impact of her choices but life is mostly great here so the small amount of actual sacrifice does not impact that much overall.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

The word should not be 'sacrifice'. It should instead be 'compromise'.

'Sacrifice' infers that you are changing who you are for someone else. That is wrong.

'Compromise', on the other hand, is meeting in the middle on issues that you might not necessarily agree on, but doesn't cause you to change who you are as a person.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Hope Shimmers said:


> 'Sacrifice' infers that you are changing who you are for someone else. That is wrong.


I agree, but I want to define what I'm saying a bit more clearly, so,

From Mirriam-Webster:

Full Definition of sacrifice 

1. an act of offering to a deity something precious; especially : the killing of a victim on an altar
2. something offered in sacrifice
3a. destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else
b. something given up or lost <the sacrifices made by parents>
4. loss <goods sold at a sacrifice>

Sacrifice to me is "giving up" something for the sake of something else. For example: If *I* want to watch a certain t.v. show at a certain time, and my partner wants to watch a different show at the same time, we only have a few options:

1. I sacrifice watching *my* show and we watch his show
2. He sacrifices watching his show and we watch *my* show
3. Neither of us watches t.v. and we do something else
4. We both compromise and pick a different show that we both want to watch.

In 3 of the four choices, there is sacrifice involved. Even in compromise, we are making somewhat of a sacrifice because we are giving something up. 

Giving up a t.v. show may not be that much of a sacrifice, unless you're _constantly_ doing it. But giving up where you want to live (warmer climate vs. colder climate, e.g.) might be a bigger sacrifice that your spouse/partner is asking (insisting?) you to make for _them_. 



> The word should not be 'sacrifice'. It should instead be 'compromise'...'Compromise'...is meeting in the middle on issues that you might not necessarily agree on, but doesn't cause you to change who you are as a person


I agree with this too, but compromise isn't always possible. Having children, for example is a big decision. We can't compromise on whether or not to have children. Either we want them or we don't. We may however, be able to compromise on _how many _children we have. 

The more I think about all of this, the more I understand how important it is to settle these issues before we agree to marry.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Or you get people who think they deserve sacrifices from their partners whilst giving very little in return?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

A compatible reciprocal love -where the Joy of a relationship, compatibility in those areas that mean so much to us as individuals ....when this is found.. the rewards of the relationship will so far outweigh the little sacrifices that may come into play.. if one feels them at all...

Love shouldn't feel like a dread.. like our lives are being sacrificed every day.. something is very very wrong with that... Something lasting will bring forth feelings of contentment, a natural "give & take"...there will be many moments of ... "I am so thankful to have this person in my life, by my side, it's a warm feeling of Gratitude that can be overwhelming at times" if we imagine our lives without them there.

If being with someone feels like a push/pull on a daily basis - where what they want/ enjoy annoys us, while they expect to get their way -oblivious to how you are feeling, where it seems you are always waiting.. wishing hoping for more.. more understanding, more care.. this WILL cause a growing resentment...any feelings of love you had will slowly turn sour... this would get old real fast... anyone would feel the same..


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

I ask myself this very question every day. The answer my gut tells me is that if it feels like sacrifice then you are not being respected. If you do not protest when it requested of you, then you are not being respectful to yourself.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> A compatible reciprocal love -where the Joy of a relationship, compatibility in those areas that mean so much to us as individuals ....when this is found.. the rewards of the relationship will so far outweigh the little sacrifices that may come into play.. if one feels them at all...
> 
> Love shouldn't feel like a dread.. like our lives are being sacrificed every day.. something is very very wrong with that... Something lasting will bring forth feelings of contentment, a natural "give & take"...there will be many moments of ... "I am so thankful to have this person in my life, by my side, it's a warm feeling of Gratitude that can be overwhelming at times" if we imagine our lives without them there.
> 
> If being with someone feels like a push/pull on a daily basis - where what they want/ enjoy annoys us, while they expect to get their way -oblivious to how you are feeling, where it seems you are always waiting.. wishing hoping for more.. more understanding, more care.. this WILL cause a growing resentment...any feelings of love you had will slowly turn sour... this would get old real fast... anyone would feel the same..


I agree, SA. There are little sacrifices that we make sometimes on a daily basis. But if you're with the right person, they won't _feel_ like sacrifices because there's enough _reciprocity_ between the two of you. 

Today you might watch _his_ t.v. show, giving up _yours_. Tomorrow _he'll_ watch _yours_, giving up his. 

This week you'll go to dinner where _he_ wants to go. Next week, it'll be _your_ choice. 

Maybe his car won't start one morning and you end up not having time to get your Starbuck's for a week so you can take him to work. And the next month, he goes out of his way to get you a new book that you've wanted. 

There are a million small sacrifices we can make for our spouse, and we do them out of love. 

But the big things are more of a challenge. Should we be expected to give up our religious beliefs for our spouse (who is an atheist, a different religion or who changes religions)? Our careers? Our desire to have children or not have children? Our inheritance? Manner of dress? Our ideas for retirement? Financial goals? 

I understand that the bigger things should be discusses BEFORE marriage and if there's no meeting of the minds, then there shouldn't be any marriage. 

But when they're NOT discussed, they can cause enough turmoil to where the marriage may end. 

Unless one person makes the sacrifice, if a compromise can't be reached. 

Where do we draw the line?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I made many sacrifices during my 45 year marriage but I didn't view them as sacrifices. Probably the biggest was that my ex-husband was occasionally transferred and since I worked full-time that required leaving a job in one city and finding another in a new city far away with all the upheaval that goes with relocating your family. I was in charge of all aspects of that since my ex-husband's job was very demanding and involved a lot of travel so he wasn't often around. Had I not worked full-time I wouldn't have given it any thought whatsoever but there's no doubt that moving across country and back a few times was tough with a child to settle in and a new job for me to find. 

As to other sacrifices -- or what should have been compromises -- I did defer to my ex-husband far more than I probably should have because he cared more than I did and I wanted him to be happy. Especially with houses and cars and boats. Those were the things I compromised on most. With vacations we alternated -- every other year we got our choice. 

However, if I had it all to do over again I wouldn't be quite so accommodating because my ex-husband grew to expect that I wouldn't care about most of those things and he became a little too entitled. That's never good.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Not a fan of sacrificing for a relationship. I just don't think people should do that, or at least not very often. Now compromise is a whole other matter. Both should compromise and they should do so equally.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> Not a fan of sacrificing for a relationship. I just don't think people should do that, or at least not very often. Now compromise is a whole other matter. Both should compromise and they should do so equally.


This ^. I think though that there is a blurry line between sacrificing and compromising. Also, I don't think all sacrifices are bad. When I got married my W moved up to live with me (she grew up and lived in a different state). In the end it worked out for the best, but this was clearly a sacrifice on her part for what she thought was the best for our marriage.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Openminded said:


> However, if I had it all to do over again I wouldn't be quite so accommodating because my ex-husband grew to expect that I wouldn't care about most of those things and he became a little too entitled. That's never good.


Hmm.

You brought up an interesting thought for me, Openminded. I'm sort of tying in how _compatible_ we are, to how _accommodating_ we are, and how accommodating we are to how much we may actually be sacrificing! 

Compromise is wonderful, but I think it's a lot like sacrifice and accommodating. There IS such a thing as "too much" in any case.


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

Compromise helps make a successful union .. If it feels that uncomfortable or is always one sided.. then it's not good


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> This ^. I think though that there is a blurry line between sacrificing and compromising.


Ellis, I think the main difference between the two is that _sacrifice_ involves _one_ person giving something up, whereas _compromise_ involves _both_ parties giving something up. 

You want to paint the house blue.
Your wife wants to paint the house gray.

You only have 4 choices: 
1. Leave it the color it is (in this case, tan)
2. You paint the house blue (sacrifice on _her_ part)
3. You paint the house gray (sacrifice on _your_ part)
4. You both compromise and agree to paint the house white. Or you can compromise by painting the exterior your color and the interior any color _she_ wants and vice versa. 

Or maybe agree to move to a cave where painting isn't necessary...? :grin2:

The point is, that even if you compromise, you're both giving something up. It may be a little of something or it may be a LOT of something. But you're still giving something up.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Vega said:


> Ellis, I think the main difference between the two is that _sacrifice_ involves _one_ person giving something up, whereas _compromise_ involves _both_ parties giving something up.
> 
> You want to paint the house blue.
> Your wife wants to paint the house gray.
> ...


I agree with your POV, I was more talking from the standpoint where some people said if it feels like a sacrifice then it isn't love, which I don't necessarily agree with (within reason of course).


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

I'd recommend POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement)... refer to marriagebuilders (Dr. Willard Harley)


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> I agree with your POV, I was more talking from the standpoint where some people said if it feels like a sacrifice then it isn't love, which I don't necessarily agree with (within reason of course).


Oh, ok. I hear what you're saying. I also don't agree that if it 'feels' like sacrifice, it isn't love. 

It sounds like your wife did make a sacrifice to be with you. It also sounds like you appreciate what she did. :smile2:


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Vega said:


> Oh, ok. I hear what you're saying. I also don't agree that if it 'feels' like sacrifice, it isn't love.
> 
> It sounds like your wife did make a sacrifice to be with you. It also sounds like you appreciate what she did. :smile2:


I like to think it turned out ok lol.

The added wrinkle (not in my case, but in general), what leverage does it give the person who makes the sacrifice? I can see this potentially becoming an issue or power struggle within a relationship. My W clearly made a sacrifice moving to me when we got married. Does this mean I need to do XYZ for her without question, for how long, will it always be held over my head if things turn sour? Fortunately to date this has never been an issue, but I think this may hit on your original point *At what point do 'sacrifices' become unreasonable? *


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Vega said:


> Hmm.
> 
> You brought up an interesting thought for me, Openminded. I'm sort of tying in how _compatible_ we are, to how _accommodating_ we are, and how accommodating we are to how much we may actually be sacrificing!
> 
> Compromise is wonderful, but I think it's a lot like sacrifice and accommodating. There IS such a thing as "too much" in any case.


My situation is an example of "far too much". 

I shake my head when I look back on my marriage because the extent I went to in order to make him happy was ridiculous. And that's totally on me because I created all that entitlement on his part.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> I like to think it turned out ok lol.
> 
> The added wrinkle (not in my case, but in general), what leverage does it give the person who makes the sacrifice? I can see this potentially becoming an issue or power struggle within a relationship. My W clearly made a sacrifice moving to me when we got married. Does this mean I need to do XYZ for her without question, for how long, will it always be held over my head if things turn sour? Fortunately to date this has never been an issue, but I think this may hit on your original point *At what point do 'sacrifices' become unreasonable? *


Exactly! 

I also moved from Florida to New York to be with my late husband. Yet, he didn't see my move as any big sacrifice, even though I gave up a job that I loved, an area that I loved and friends who were dear to me. He simply saw it as a 'practical necessity'. No big deal. 

I never used my move as 'leverage'. But _he_ did. How? (You're about to get a glimpse of how the mind of a narcissist works)

He figured that if I was willing to do that for him, then I should be willing to do (a.k.a. give up!)ANYTHING for him..._always_. 

You gave up where you lived for me. You should be willing to give up what color you want the house painted, for me. 

You gave up your job in Florida to be with me. You should be willing to give up your job HERE for me, too. 

See what I mean? 

Compromise was not in his vocabulary. In fact, one of our therapists told him that much of marriage was about _negotiating_. My late husband's eyes grew WIDE as he angrily said with disbelief, "I'm not going to negotiate _with my WIFE_!" 

To which the counselor replied, with equal disbelief, "Your wife doesn't have to *OBEY* you. You either learn to negotiate and compromise or don't expect to be married for very long." 

Late husband pretty much limped out of _that_ session with his tail between his legs, lol. 

So, did he learn to compromise and negotiate?

I left him.

Nuf sed. :grin2:


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Openminded said:


> My situation is an example of "far too much".
> 
> I shake my head when I look back on my marriage because the extent I went to in order to make him happy was ridiculous. And that's totally on me because *I created all that entitlement on his part*.


I don't believe that for a moment, Openminded. He always had the opportunity to set his own boundaries for himself so he didn't take advantage of you. That's all on _him_. 

There's a saying that goes, "We teach people how to treat us". Well, I only partly believe that. Mature people will treat you the way _they_ would want to be treated. Were you not treating your husband the way you would have wanted him to treat you? 

You didn't 'create' anything inside of him that wasn't already there.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My ex-husband felt since he had to compromise on vacations, and didn't get his way every single year, that he NEVER got his way about anything. EVER. He actually said that in the middle of an argument once and then wondered why I was laughing so hard.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Openminded said:


> My ex-husband felt since he had to compromise on vacations, and didn't get his way every single year, that he NEVER got his way about anything. EVER. He actually said that in the middle of an argument once and then wondered why I was laughing so hard.


LOL!!! I'd be laughing right along with ya! I obviously don't know your husband, but I know the 'animal'. 

People like him see compromise as a 'tie'. To them, a 'tie' is a _loss_, simply because it means he didn't _WIN_. There's either 'win' or 'lose'. No in-between.

My late husband (the narcissist) actually taught me that!


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