# i cant cope with fiance's kiss



## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

For those who remember, I wrote a while back that I found messages on my fiances cell phone, well after a month of asking etc... she broke down and told me that she met the guy in her car after he called her while she was shopping at the mall, she ended up kissing him in her car and stopped it from going further.The messages on the phone started after the meeting between them in the car, wich lasted 15 minutes as she says. I didnt take it well, and didnt kniow what to believe, so I asked her to take a lie detector test (big mistake in my case) and she passed the test, yes it was just a kiss and she did stop him (according to the lie detector).
After the lie detector she feels cheap, but hey she brought this on, and maybe the lie detector was too much, but I was also not in the right frame of mind, and since she lied about meeting him for a month, i didnt know what to beleive anymore. 
well, we are back together and communicating about this whole ordeal. I asked her if I didnt see the messages and put a stop to it all, would she have met him again? she answered " to be honest maybe I would have, I was thinking about it and one minute my mind would say no, and the next minute my mind would say go for it, it would be fun and exciting" This info killed me, I hate thinking that this all stopped because I saw the messages, I know it sounds weird, but its killing me, I cant get over the images of my fiance kissing this guy!!! its almost 8 months now, and I am afraid its going to ruin me, and us. I was never the jeolous type, I never expected all this pain, I cant stop thinking about it. She always answers my questions and talks about all this with me, but she reached the point now where she told me 2 nights ago " I know i hurt you, and Im so sorry, but it was one kiss, stop dwelling on it and lets move on, or else it will kill us both" I am sorry, but I cant seem to move on, I find myself reading how lie detectors are not so accurate etc... then 10 minutes later I feel ashamed that I am even looking up that stuff. I am so lost and confused, I cant believe her 100%, and maybe she really is telling the truth, I wish I could move on!!! It hurts like crazy !!! I do respect that she finaly is honest with all this, but the comment about her maybe seeing him again if i didnt intervene drove me nuts, but I didnt show her my anger or jelousy, I said thanks for being truthfull. I just want my normal life and mind back!! Maybe deep inside I am convinced something more happend between them? I really dont know why I cant get past that "kiss" thanks for letting me vent.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

is it reallly the kiss thats bothering you or something more? just wondering because I had the same issue to where I thought of my husband kissing my friend TWICE but it became something more that I was dwelling on not just that kiss. I mean trust me I dont want to think about it cause it gets me going and took me a LONG time to get where I am today. Sometimes its hard. but really in the long run a kiss is a kiss is a kiss right? its more I think of why did they do that and whats going on to where they feel that they need that and not you?


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

If you don't get out now?...you are in for a life of torture, at least she allowed you to find out BEFORE you said I DO:smthumbup:


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I think there is more involved. She is your fiance. She puts into question your future. I mean if I was in your shoes. I would tell her, yes it was only a kiss. But its not just the kiss. If it was maybe you could move past it. Its the fact that she is a liar. Yes a liar. And she was comfortable lying to you. She did not come and admit to it. You had to find out for yourself. Its simple. You need to tell her that you can't get over it because she is UNTRUSTWORTHY. And as long as it takes for you to trust her again, is how long it takes. She needs to know this. The bottom line is she is a cheat and a liar.


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

I think you all hit the nail on the head, I really didnt think of it, I am now sure the kiss I am thinking about, represents the lie's and the fool I was being treated as for a whole month, I told her exactly that just an hour ago. She told me she understands, and started crying , she also said, if I cant get over it, she will understand if I wanted to move on with my life without her. She was saying the reason she didnt tell me was she was embaressed, and wanted to save my hurt, and now she truly realises what a mistake it was not telling me. she says her mistake and actions were a huge blow to us and me, and she regrets every minute of it, and she just said, "I made a huge huge mistake, I didnt consider you or myself, I am deeply embaressed and sorry, but I am not a demon, and I never have done such a thing in the past and never will in the future, please forgive me my love and lets try and get past this, I am the only one to blame, no one else, but if we cant get past this, we both dont deserve this torture and night mare" I love her so much, I really dont know what to do, but I truly dont feel I am ready to get past this. My best friend says " dude, it sucks, but it was a kiss, I know her forever she is a wonderful girl, dont let it tear you guys apart" thanks for your help guys, really this site has helped me more than i could of ever imagined!!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

The only thing that will heal this is time, and radical honesty on her part. She needs some encouraging.


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

Good advice, for those who have survived all this, is the person who cheated, always looked upon as a cheater in your minds? It would really be horrible to live with someone xx years and always look at them as a "cheater", does time and love take that title away from our minds? she says she is sorry over and over, never put the blame on me, one side says to forgive, the other side says "sucker", this totaly sucks !!!


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Get out now or you will live to regret it. Breaking up is extremely hard to do. But if you don't do it now, you will do it later but that will involve divorce and probably children too. When a person shows you how they are, believe them the first time. She has shown you twice. First, she was with this guy and kissed him - she had no business doing either one. She is telling you she has no loyalty to the committed relationship. She's telling you she follows along with whatever comes up, and something will always come up. You are not the first guy to like her. He will not be the last guy to like her. She is showing you beyond a shadow of a doubt that she cannot be trusted. What about the next guy to come along and show her some attention? There will always be another guy to come along.

Second, she told you how she is a second time by admitting she couldn't decide whether to see him again or not. You already know she was in that dilemma had you not found out. My whole point is, spare yourself this happening again in the future. This is what dating is all about. You don't meet someone and decide this is it, no matter how much you love them. Dating and going together is for the purpose of learning about each other and determining if they are the right person for you. Forgiveness is a nice notion and something you want to do because of your own emotions. But start thinking straight and follow your logical mind. Forgiving her is one thing. But you are on the verge of ignoring the person she keeps showing you that she is. EVERYONE does that because they are in love. And EVERYONE lives to regret ignoring all the signs and red flags.


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

I know I dont want to stay in a relationship where I feel i owe her something, but this women practicaly paid $62,000 my last 2 years of university about 5 years ago, I now make enough income , and paid her back, I just feel during those times she did something many people wouldnt have done. I do truly beleive she is sorry. Talking calmly with her, she said she fealt lonely and was happy my career was taking off, but she fealt she was left behind, with no attention etc.. truth is she dosnt ue this as an excuse, she was just telling me her state of mind. She stopped it from going further, and left it at just a kiss, and the lie detector asked that question and she came out telling the truth. I asked why she was thinking about meeting him again etc... she shows me old messages ( which i refused to see before) and she says ,"{ I find you interesting , but if we do meet it would be in a public place, and whatever happend in the car will never happen again,I am with someone special, and I am not looking for more than friendship" this is getting more confusing bye the minute!!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> ...for those who have survived all this, is the person who cheated, always looked upon as a cheater in your minds?...


Just my two cent's worth. I think it is both preposterous and presumptions (as well as pompous) to assign a label to someone for something they did - that we all do as well. Who here cannot say they haven't told a lie once in their life? If you've ever lied to someone, then by what right do you assume to hold the fact that someone lied _to you_ over them for the rest of their life? 

People do foolish things, and then would rather never remember that they did such a stupid thing. 

I'd take this section VERY seriously. THIS is what you need to consider before you marry her:



> Talking calmly with her, she said she fealt lonely and was happy my career was taking off, but she fealt she was left behind, with no attention etc.


This is a statement of an emotional need that will be with you for the duration of your marriage. Can you keep this in mind in the years to come: that leaving her alone may make her feel left behind, forgotten? If this means nothing to you now, it will mean even less in the future, and the damage done in marriages by neglecting the basic needs of your spouse are ALMOST ALWAYS the precursor to other problems, including infidelity.

Note also that she is not cheating here. She told you the truth. Why is it easier to hold onto the ONE instance where she DIDN'T and use that as a permanent label for her, instead of noting this and keeping THIS as the reference by which you view her? 

(Secret: people would rather hold onto painful memories and review wrongs done to them, than to do the opposite...)


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Robalocc: I am not going to condone what your fiance did however…

Reading all your posts it does indicate that lately she has been open with you, for your sake and hers you need to bring closure on this. Either let her go and move on or if YOU are satisfied with her responses and visibility of the latest text messages you need to let her know that you wish to continue the relationship. You may choose to never be satisfied as you are hurting you need to trust your head on this.

My two cents worth : Forgive her; to forget will take however long you let this fester in your mind. Should you choose to resume your relationship have a conversation with her and discuss the boundaries of a monogamous relationship, let her know these boundaries apply to you as well, if your fiance has any to add let her do so. She needs to understand you want to trust her again. 

During this process DO NOT let her feel she cannot talk openly with you, your behaviors, words and body language need to demonstrate that you are willing to move forward. 

How long have you been engaged for? Your fiance may be feeling more than left behind, she may be feeling a lack of commitment from you .. 

All the best


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I dont think that this is worth a split up people make mistakes, They really do I dont think that she has a commitment issue or anything crazy it was a moment and if she wanted that she would have continued it. I dont think that you really need to put all this energy into it. I mean seriously I am speaking from experiance. I cheated ugh I did. and he did to. it sucks but you bet we would never do it again. been there and luckily it was minor. I love him to much to let go and same goes with him. Basically it came down to I didnt want to lose a good guy and have some girl take my place. we have a times and there are times I get really insecure. like today thats why I am here. I want so bad to ask for the billionth time how long that kiss lasted and why he did it did he want to have sex blah blah blah.... but for the most part these days are fading away.. as will yours. I agree with the above you need to talk to each other see where you stand she told you why she did it now just work on how to keep it straight. No relationship is affair proof. And no this isnt a affair a affair is when you carry on with feelings. she had none. it sounds like she was missing something and wanted the excitemnt. I am sorry you are feeling this way like I said I have been in your position it sucks its not easy AT ALL but really dont throw the love you have out for a mistake that we all make!


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

She told me she will stay at her mothers house until I come to a conclusion, she says she will support whatever decision I make although ofcourse she would want nothing more for us to fix this and move on together. She sat me on the couch, and explained that the pain I am feeling is no more than her pain, the difference is she caused it, she did say she decided either of us cannot continue like this, it isnt fair to either of us, and tomorrow morning she will move to her mothers house until we decide to take a direction with this, together or not. 
I told her, i have a right to question her honesty and trust etc... she said yes I do, but its gone too far and will kill us both if I continue like this......


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think you have two alternatives here.

1. You blow off the kiss as a one-time thing IF she is willing to sign a prenuptual agreement that explicitly states that she gets no spousal support if she were to cheat on you in the future. And define cheating as including a kiss all the way up to sexual contact, etc.

If she is trustworthy she will sign it to prove her love for you.

2. Leave her. 

There are a lot of honorable women out there. It seems to me that she is not that into you if she can do that.

My wife did far worse when we engaged. I didn't get to find out what she did until she cheated again 16 years later.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I dont agree with you Michzz I think that sounds kinda rediculous to have her sign a prenup. I dont think thats really love either. I think that this was a one time thing for her and she has learned her lesson if anything I would just hold off on the wedding for awhile see how things go. take it one day at a time with lots of talking!


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Life is to short to continue with the pain, close it down. If you love her make it happen, go to her and ask her to come home, do not harp on the topic but if you feel there may be an issue going forward something like a prenup for yours and hers existing assets could be part of your arrangement. A prenup for assets and monies in the future will just continue the cycle of mistrust; anyway in a marriage you are equal partners failure to recognise this means marriage is a non starter so is a continued relationship between you and your fiancé. 

I suggest you work together to build that trust; going to a councillor will help, engaging a councillor is not to lay blame but to solidify and improve your relationship. Both parties have to give to make this work.

Had a similar issue when I first met my wife. I had to get over it and have never looked back. Again it is up to you how much both of you are prepared to put in, this is long term stuff not just a short term fix for today.

If your are not against it, be open, print out this thread let her see how you feel in the words that you have written and the responses. Open honest communication and dialog will do wonders for you both.


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

first of all, (hoping not to sound corny) you guys even the ones who say leave her, have saved my sanity!! I mean that , and thank you again....
Today, her mother calls me, she explains that her daughter has told her everything ( we agreed before no one will know) The mother just said how saddened she is with all of this, and that even if I decide to leave, she wants me to know that I can call her anytime even go visit her whenever I please ,just to talk etc... Her mother is an attorney and Im sure she has seen these things over and over. She also said how proud she is of me being a dentist now etc... just small talk, nothing about her daughter or the cheating . Is this a plot set up bye them ? Is the mother just being a shoulder to lean on ? I really am so confused. I only have told my best friend, my parents are old school greek immigrants, if I ever told them this, there is no way they would except her again.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

I can only guess she realizes she messed up. 

Again you have everything to gain if you start engaging with your fiance, treat this as a starter to the many troubles that will come up in any marriage.

I still suggest asking her back home.. go for counseling and repair this. 

It will show your strength as a future husband, just take gentle steps and yes let her know how much you love her, Doing this does not mean you are a nice guy only or weak - just give direction and fair play.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

And yes to your comments on mothers and daughters, if they have a good relationship they will share things and there is nothing wrong about it. 

Do not leave this to long, If I were you I would step into the breach today and pick her up and start the healing processes but then that is me.. your call


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## careful (Feb 19, 2010)

Engagement is the time when the "in love" feeling is at its peak.

If she is weak enough to allow this to happen during this time, just imagine what will happen after a few years when the "in love" feelings are replaced with bills, house repair, and the other realities of marriage set in. 

You CAN'T allow yourself to find a way to make this O.K. 

Run like the wind.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

The comments from careful are correct - the good thing is you are in a position without the fallout of a marriage. 

I still say find out why this happened, talking to each other will help, not getting the answers you want to hear will drive you mad.. use a councilor , their advice will be way better than mine


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

careful said:


> Engagement is the time when the "in love" feeling is at its peak.
> 
> If she is weak enough to allow this to happen during this time, just imagine what will happen after a few years when the "in love" feelings are replaced with bills, house repair, and the other realities of marriage set in.
> 
> ...




NO no no. seriously whats wrong with you people? do you really think that we are all this perfect hell no. We all make mistakes I dont care who you are or what perfect marriage you think you are in. Its bs that you think that people shouldnt work on things and just run when it get bad? infact its sad. grow some. please face it if you love her forgive her if not well dont marry her it sucks but if you didnt really love her then it wont hurt to long right?


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## careful (Feb 19, 2010)

Sunflower. You are right, none of us is perfect and we all make mistakes. However, the WORST mistake we can make is chosing the wrong person to share your life with. There is NOTHING more painful than giving your life to someone only to have them crush you. The worst time to figure this out is years into the marriage with a few kids attached. The best time to figure this out is before you walk the isle.

There is nothing wrong with anyone who advises a person to distance himself (or herself) from a cheating fiance. It may be the single most solid advice on the planet.

Is it true that 50% of marriages now end in divorce? What do we think the percentage is when a fiance can't even control herself when she is supposed to be most in love. 

Even if she truly will never cheat again, the marriage will have a huge added stress because there is no way he will be able to trust her again (at least not for many years to come).

At the VERY LEAST, he should call it off, take a long break, and allow himself time to process the emotions so he can think rationally before he throws himself back into hell.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

careful said:


> Engagement is the time when the "in love" feeling is at its peak.
> 
> If she is weak enough to allow this to happen during this time, just imagine what will happen after a few years when the "in love" feelings are replaced with bills, house repair, and the other realities of marriage set in.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

My wife cheated on me when we were engaged and I didn't ever find out until 16 years later when she started cheating again. At that time she fessed up to the engagement infidelity.

It was so messed up. I believe her earlier screw up led directly to her later affair. Why? Because she got away with it and didn't change her spots.

She found it easy to lie and just do whatever she wanted with out respect for me or her wedding vows.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I haven't read your other posts, so my answer is based on what I read here. She messed up, no doubt. She kissed another man, a big no-no. And she lied, another big no-no. But...she did come clean, and from what you say here, is continuing to be honest with you. And while I can understand that you're hurt, upset, scared, and confused, I can also see where she's coming from. If you truly still want to be with her, you have to find a way to let this go. If you can't do that, whether it's the kiss or the lies that you're not able to get past, you need to end it. Continuing as you are is only going to cause you both more pain and put one or both of you in a position to do things you'll regret.


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

I can see that me asking about the affair over and over again is "too much" , but thats what comes to my mind, I even ask the same questions over and over, thinking maybe I will get another angle to an answer I already heard 100 times. I really dont know how to control it, maybe asking about it is a way to vent, and show her my hurt.. Im not really sure. I do know that it definately must be tough for her to hear this broken record.
But , if thats what Im feeling , and I need to get this all out, shouldnt I be allowed? I wish I could control it. when is speaking about the affair or asking about it too much? I read here it takes 2 years etc... well this has only been 6 months !! I would hate to think I have such a long way to go. she basicaly answered everything and sees no point in discussing this any further, she wants to discuss the now and future only. Im not sure I am ready, I would love to never mention it again, who wouldnt? so when does asking about the affair become too much ? I was cheated on, and now I feel I am the one given an altamadam ?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Think of it this way: At work, you mess up a big project. Do you want your boss asking you constantly why you messed up, how it happened, to explain to him exactly what happened so he can understand why this big project got messed up? Or do you want one dressing down in which he asks all these questions, lectures you on your mistake, threatens you with being fired, etc., and then it's not brought up again? It's kind of like that here, only it's a relationship and she cheated. 

If you really feel you need to know more about it, talk more about it, I would suggest this: sit down alone, and think of every possible question you can, and every statement you want to make to her that you can. Write them all down. Come back to this a few times to add to it and make sure you have everything you can think of. Then tell her you'd like to talk to her, one last time, about it. Ask all the questions, accept her answers. Make all your statements. And then let it go. 

Trust me, I was married to a man who cheated on me a lot. And even though his continued cheating would have ended things anyway, my inability to let it go didn't help matters. I withdrew and wouldn't get close to him because all I would ever think about was what he had done. 

Yes, she messed up. No one is saying she didn't. But...if you can't let it go, forgive and try to move on, then you need to end the relationship. She cheated and she lied. But she has come clean now, and she's being honest with you. At this point, honestly, I think you're making yourself miserable.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

robalocc said:


> I can see that me asking about the affair over and over again is "too much" , but thats what comes to my mind, I even ask the same questions over and over, thinking maybe I will get another angle to an answer I already heard 100 times. I really dont know how to control it, maybe asking about it is a way to vent, and show her my hurt.. Im not really sure. I do know that it definately must be tough for her to hear this broken record.
> But , if thats what Im feeling , and I need to get this all out, shouldnt I be allowed? I wish I could control it. when is speaking about the affair or asking about it too much? I read here it takes 2 years etc... well this has only been 6 months !! I would hate to think I have such a long way to go. she basicaly answered everything and sees no point in discussing this any further, she wants to discuss the now and future only. Im not sure I am ready, I would love to never mention it again, who wouldnt? so when does asking about the affair become too much ? I was cheated on, and now I feel I am the one given an altamadam ?




Oh thats all to familiar with me! trust me you go over it and over it in your head and you will with her. Then you will reach a point in the revenge stage did that also. its not easy its never easy to handle betrayel and thats what has happend here,. But really it was a kiss they didnt go any further? right? you are lucky seriuosly no pointing fingers but it could be worst. Life is to short and we have more things to look over and take serious then this right?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You go over it again and again because it doesn't make sense to you why she could do this. Plus, you want ironclad proof that it'll never happen again.

That's why I suggested either get a prenup or leave her.

Why? because the prenup would ease your mind--maybe--even if it pissed her off. And if the prenub does piss her off, you know your next action--to end the relationship.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

If you were married would you not do what needs to be done to save your marriage, Probable answer is yes. 

For this exercise assume you are married, the majority on this forum will offer advice to save your marriage and take things forward. Do so now. 

In 6 10 20 months time do you really want to be doing what you are doing now.. By then I suspect you will have killed any chance of reconciling and will always regret not taking the steps to repair the damage. Forgiveness is powerful, something she will not forget, it does not mean you discount the risks of a future infidelity but you are aware of this being a possibility and can take the actions to reduce this. Yes she needs to understand she is in the high-risk category 

Again see a councillor together.

Unless you do something nothing changes….


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> You go over it again and again because it doesn't make sense to you why she could do this. Plus, you want ironclad proof that it'll never happen again.
> 
> That's why I suggested either get a prenup or leave her.
> 
> Why? because the prenup would ease your mind--maybe--even if it pissed her off. And if the prenub does piss her off, you know your next action--to end the relationship.


If it did anger her (which it should) I would suggest she should write one as well. This is a marriage, not employment. Things are SHARED.

How does a prenup create 'ironclad' 'proof'? At the most, it creates a legal 'out' - not proof! The reasoning behind this seems to me to be so that she is constrained to behave in a certain way, without any requirements from her mate that he be responsible for his part.

The reason it does not make sense is because the issue has not been dealt with. She mentioned it quite specifically, and that seems to have been entirely overlooked in everyone's haste to react. 

This is a blessing in disguise. If this does turn into a marriage - one of the most important love kindlers has already been revealed - as well as an extinguisher. What a great way to enter a marriage.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Tanelornpete said:


> If it did anger her (which it should) I would suggest she should write one as well. This is a marriage, not employment. Things are SHARED.
> 
> How does a prenup create 'ironclad' 'proof'? At the most, it creates a legal 'out' - not proof!


I wasn't clear. I did not mean to suggest a prenup was ironclad proof. There is no such thing.

I offered the prenup alternative as a way to point towards ending the relationship. The peace of mind it may give him, is at a cost.

I really think that people who toy with cheating during an engagement are not in love. Certainly not in the way someone who cannot imagine toying with infidelity are in love. 

So they are a mismatch.

Sorry that I left too many blanks in my comments.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

michzz said:


> You go over it again and again because it doesn't make sense to you why she could do this. Plus, you want ironclad proof that it'll never happen again.
> 
> That's why I suggested either get a prenup or leave her.
> 
> Why? because the prenup would ease your mind--maybe--even if it pissed her off. And if the prenub does piss her off, you know your next action--to end the relationship.




No way. I think that the prenup Idea is really not worth it. Maybe if you had money but really no that to me is a threat to thats not saying I love you? and I want us to make this work cause we are in love?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

michzz said:


> I wasn't clear. I did not mean to suggest a prenup was ironclad proof. There is no such thing.
> 
> I offered the prenup alternative as a way to point towards ending the relationship. The peace of mind it may give him, is at a cost.
> 
> ...






Oh thats BS and you know it. just because people cheat does NOT mean that they dont love each other its more their own issues insecurities and such its differant for EVERYONE. you cant speak for everyone saying that its not fair. I love my husband and he loves me. We have BOTH cheated in our own ways for differant reasons. and we are MARRIED. so.... I disagree. and I think that we are more secure now then we were before? so its all in opinions I guess.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

sunflower said:


> Oh thats BS and you know it. just because people cheat does NOT mean that they dont love each other its more their own issues insecurities and such its differant for EVERYONE. you cant speak for everyone saying that its not fair. I love my husband and he loves me. We have BOTH cheated in our own ways for differant reasons. and we are MARRIED. so.... I disagree. and I think that we are more secure now then we were before? so its all in opinions I guess.


It ain't BS in my world. I've observed it in my life and many I've encountered in my 50+ years on this planet. Exceptions to the rule? Always. Likely? No.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Well I guess this is why knobody tries anymore and our divorce rates are so high.. People give up way to easily throw in the towel just because we all are human. 

SAD really....


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

sunflower said:


> Well I guess this is why knobody tries anymore and our divorce rates are so high.. People give up way to easily throw in the towel just because we all are human.
> 
> SAD really....


How can you say that nobody tries anymore? Some of us have tried for many, many years and it hasn't worked. 

Some try for five minutes and that is enough.

It's just that there are certain sets of behaviors, such as the OP's fiancee's actions, that point to the likelihood of what things will be like down the road.

Not certainty, of course. Like I say, there are exceptions.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

They really dont try anymore I dont think people do at ALL or people marry for conviniance anymore. Its stupid I think that if he loves her and she loves him work at it same goes with all marriages and relationships. people cheat all the time in their hearts or actions or thoughts so what are you saying that we should all just be single knobody should be tied down cause only few people are the exeption? 

I can argue this all day cause I think that you are wrong!


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Your post at 3:09pm had me going and feeling sorry for both of you to have endure this and anything else you and she individually have been going through. I almost began to feel sorry for her and think that others are right in that she made a big mistake. But your last post ticks me off because I feel she is being defiant and is doing the typical cheater's tactic of blaming you. To say she felt lonely is one thing. That can be construed as quite legitimate an excuse. However, she is not owning up to her role in any of this. 1) Did she ever tell you she felt lonely and left behind? Was it ever an issue for the two of you to work on? 2) It is entirely a separate issue from what she did, and that is what she's not owning up to by grouping them together and telling you your pain is the same as hers. She should be remorseful - apologetic to the nth degree, nearly falling on her knees to beg your forgiveness because what she did is completely independent of her reasons for doing it. And that is what she refuses to accept. It sounds like she feels you are getting on her nerves by wanting the closure and expecting the answers you rightfully deserve. I don't know how you are acting with her, but she doesn't like being expected to own up, so she decides to skip out and leave it all on you. You're probably crying, screaming, talking, and back to crying and yelling again - going through the gamut of mixed emotions that her behavior garnered. Instead of consoling you like she should be doing and enduring what you are going through, she decides to leave because it's too much for her to be bothered with. 

Before she leaves, tell her you resent (if you do resent it) her skipping out like this. Tell her she owes you more support. Stay with her if you choose, but I'm still thinking she is showing you how she is.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I do agree that she needs to be supportive BUT and a big BUT is you cant throw it in her face over and over and over and expect to get a differant result. It sounds like she knows she is wrong. The one thing that my husband told me is I know I messed up and I will know it everyday for the rest of my life. I was so wrong and I will never forget the pain I caused you and never do this to you again. I know in my heart that he feels so horrible and he would feel so bad whenever I would cry. BUT you cant throw it in there face everyday. It gets to much. trust me people just normaly cant hear that they did something wrong everyday. it brings you down wrong or not dont do that! I would really recomend going to see someone I think it will help you!


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You will find it much easier to give this up once you forgive her. Really forgive her. There are no matches made in heaven. No one is perfect for someone. It all takes effort and work. You need to just decide to quit or stay. You know her much better now. Show her your love and don't hold it over her head. Become her true soulmate. You will be much happier. No one is perfect for you. I would guess almost every married couple has one partner who, at one time, thinks they married the wrong person. And when they have an affair, they think a miracle has happened and the perfect person has walked into their life. A godsend. "Crap". You make it what it is by your sincere efforts. Marry the damn girl!!


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Yes indeed.., stop procrastinating and take the steps to recover her love.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

RWB

*At the least, y'all need serious time together in counseling to decide on a future together.*

Said that already but robalocc is sitting feeling sorry. Tough position but he needs to step up to the mark or he is just not posting what he is doing.

Post update...

I noticed you may have read this thread as your last logon was 26th July at 08:53 AM. Please do take some action.. Life must continue, if you do love her do something. It is your choice but looking into my crystal ball.. you are about to loose the single most important person in your life…


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

If she's doing this during an engagement when romantic feelings are at their peak, she will defintely be struggling with the impulse to do similar things while you are at the office woring long hours as a dentist during the rest of the marriage.

Also this is the cheating behavior that you caught.

If this was a marriage I'd be advising differently because you have already joined with her, but this is an engagement. Every time on this board when there's cheating during an engagement and the marriage goes ahead anyway we all roll our eyes and say_ "well what did you expect?!?"_


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Hmm.. ya I guess I agree with you. But I think that you need to so to speak shiz or get off the pot. its killing you and her. I think that you need to chose a direction and flow with it.


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

Thanks everyone for you concern and advice, once again...
I needed to just "get away" from it all, so i stayed away from this forum and the subject in my mind as much as I could. I spoke with her today, she will come home tomm, and we will try to rebuild this whole thing, we both know odds are against us, but she just asked for a chance to see if we can make it work, just her asking for this, made me feel like maybe something is worth it way deep inside. I promised I will try and not bring the subject up, but deep inside I know it will be difficult. I will do my best, and hope she will also, 
and I will keep all of you wonderful people posted, thanks again...

ps, sunflower you gave me strength during this very difficult time in my life, I thank you very very much, as well as the rest of you....


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

You are so welcome! if you need anything let us know we are here for you! I am so happy to see that you guys are going to try. really its so good. cause you NEVER know unless you try right. This will be hard but you guys can do it. And it sounds like she knows what she had and doesnt want to lose it!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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