# How do you make up after a big fight?



## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

I have a question....

I know some of you have read my earlier discussion about my husband and his ex, and I think that sometimes I am the 3rd wheel, not because he's doing anything with his ex, but one responder (thank you so much!) said it right that she's punishing him for "abandoning" her after 11 years. 

She claimed that he beat her and everything, but after I talked to several people, it became apparent that she blew their arguments out of proportion (she's one of those baaad trailer park white trash people...she lives in a trailer in her mother's back yard.....and it's not like her mother owns a huge piece of property, her mother's place is almost as tiny as hers...:scratchhead. I talked to their neighbors when they were living together, his family and even her father (at one time we happened to run into one another and I asked...) and all of them said no, he never abused her, she was the one always starting the fights and such.

Anyway, not my question....it's a looong drawn out story, lasting longer than 4 years....

My question is this...my husband and I fought this whole weekend. It started Friday night, and hasn't ended yet, I did what I THOUGHT he wanted, communicating with him about the finances (he is currently unemployed, has been for 2 years, arrears and his background have gotten in the way of him finding a job, so I pay the bills and such, but I had been keeping him somewhat out of it because he is under a lot of stress as it is, but I understand that's no excuse..) but then he went off on me, refused to go get his kids, and told me to leave the house, which I did....I went to my dads for the night. Came home Saturday morning, and everything started all over again. 

Needless to say, it's been a tough weekend. It seems that the only way we can stay in the same room is to both have our phones with headphones on and ignore each other. He did end up going to get his children Friday night, but that didn't stop our argument. 

Last night, I woke up at 2:30AM and couldn't go back to sleep. My head was hurting so bad again (I have cluster headaches which really get to me when I get them...) I got up and took a bath, and started thinking about things, so I came back to bed, still could not sleep, and he was sleeping next to me.

My question is this...does it signal that I'm ready to open up by me putting my arm around him. I know he was awake, I know his sleeping sounds, I didn't say anything at that time, but I rubbed his back a little bit, and kissed his back between his shoulder blades a couple of times and then put my arm around him and held him for a bit. I know it's not a replacement for talking, but I think it's the first step in letting your partner know that you're open.

He gets mad and tells me not to touch him at all, that me touching him doesn't do anything but make him more mad. I tried to tell him that that's my way of coming out of my shell and sticking my neck out there to see if he's willing to talk, but he says it's not right and it's chickensh** of me....but for me, that's one of the ways I try to "test the waters" to see if he's open for communication....

I feel so at my wits end, I just don't know what to do...any advice?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You could say to him "I hate that we're fighting and really want to fix things. I love you. When you're ready to talk about it, I'm here. 

Then go on about your day.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I am the same way as you. When I want to show that my defenses are down and want to talk through something I will touch my SO by touching him as I walk past him in the kitchen or rolling over at night and spooning him. However if my SO directly came out and told me he did not like me doing that then I am going to respect his wishes and not do it. As instinctual as it may be for me to reach out and touch I won't do it because those are the boundaries he's asking me to respect. I'd just be adding insult to injury if I were to ignore what HE wants based on what I want. Does that make sense? So I agree with A Bit Much..... use words. Or leave a note. Or send him a text. Whatever. Then, like she said, you go about your day and wait for him to approach you. 

I'm just curious and please answer honestly --- Do you feel you were right or wrong with the argument? 

In my last relationship, which was pretty emotionally abusive, he and I would have a fight. When I'm wrong I say I am wrong but in one particular instance I was absolutely in the right to be upset (i.e.; he didn't come home after a night of drinking/using and didn't bother calling or answering my calls). Well, he just huffed and puffed all day long in an effort to make ME feel bad. He was a classic gaslighter. But I refused to bow down to him just to make peace. Do you find that you do that? Even if you know you are 100% in the right about being upset do you find yourself apologizing just to move on? If so that's an issue all in and of itself.


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

IrishgirlVA, 

Honestly, yes, I do feel that my being upset was justified. All along, he's been telling me that communication is the key to our marriage, and I do agree, but sometimes it's hard for me to say things to him because he gets mad, wants to fly off the handle, etc, like right now, I handle all of the finances. He has been unemployed for 2 years and I've covered the bills and such, yes, I've made my mistakes and we've had our arguments about that, but I have tried to make myself a better source of communication for our relationship. So, Friday, when both of us get home, I pull him aside and start telling him about the finances, and there were a couple of things that made him get angry, like my father wanted to try to BORROW (my father always gives back) $100 because his banking center's site went down for some conversion, so they locked everything down and didn't tell him. He couldn't pull money out of the ATM, he couldn't write a check because they couldn't verify it, the banking institution sent all of the employees home for Friday and Saturday business hours. He only wanted to borrow a little bit of money to have some cash in his pocket for random stuff just until today (Monday). I told my dad I didn't see a problem with that, just let me talk to my husband and sort out the finances and I would get back with him. My husband went through the roof, talking about how my father's a grown man, he should understand we're tight on money and we have his kids coming this weekend, how dare he even ask to try to borrow anything from us knowing our situation, etc....then all of a sudden, he started texting his ex wife (who is the spawn of Satan himself when it comes to letting him have his kids and trying to get revenge on him) and telling her that he's not going to get the kids because we don't have the money for them, etc. I tried to tell him it would be ok, I just wanted for him to see his kids and us have a good weekend with the family, but he wasn't having it....he was making me feel guilty for him not getting his kids because of our finances...meanwhile I'm doing the best I can to pay rent, bills, groceries, and for 2 kids of my own, and all I could do was sit there and cry...so I go to my dads and it turns out he went to go get his kids anyway, which I was fine with, but he tells me not to come home until the kids are gone on Sunday. So I spent Friday night at my dads house, and in the middle of the night, I get a text from him that says "Let's start over tomorrow..." and I jumped on it, I sent him one back that said "Yes, please, I would love that, I just want a good weekend with the family..." So I went home Sat. morning, cooked breakfast, and went to have his kids wake him up and tell him it was ready so that I could set the table, get everything finished up so the family could eat...then he's not coming out of bed...then finally at 3:30 in the afternoon, he gets out of bed furious with me and again wanting me to leave, so I told my kids "Come on, let's go back to grandpas.." and after I leave he calls me screaming at me because I left and didn't leave him any money for him and his kids to enjoy anything. His mom had given him $80, but he wanted more...so I just agreed to not argue anymore, because he said he didn't want to get money from his mom so I could turn around and give my dad money, so he wanted money from me, and I gave him an additional $80, then he started going off on me about how I don't really want this marriage, how since I can't stick my neck out and stand in the line of fire for him, I don't want it bad enough...then he tells me don't come home until he takes the kids home Sunday, then he will have his stuff out of the house. Then, about 7:30 he sends me a text that says he broke the key in the door and has no key so he has to leave it unlocked, so my kids and I went back home and then when they get back, my daughter and I get pulled into my bedroom because apparently his daughter told her dad that my daughter had said something hurtful to her, so I had to sit in there and get reamed about how it's my side of our family that's causing all of the friction and how we're just a pain in his side, even going into quoting the Bible and saying "If it causes you pain, CUT IT OFF!" but we kind of get past that, we decide we are going to go to Church on Sunday morning and we all go to sleep...the next morning, I try to wake him up and get him out of bed to go to Church, he doesn't want to go...his kids try to get him out of bed, I try to get him out of bed, he refuses to go...so I took the kids and went to Church, came back, made chicken baskets for lunch, thought everything was starting to improve, he was in a decent mood to the kids, but when I get outside where he is and start trying to help him, I messed something up and he went off on me about how stupid could I be, it was a SIMPLE task, how could I mess up something as simple as what he asked me to do, and I told him my train of thought on it, and his response was "That's why you can't do anything right.." So we didn't talk anymore after that, and haven't talked since...so I don't know who is in the right or wrong, to be honest, I feel justified for being upset at him, but I just want the fighting to stop, I just want peace...I want to be with him, but there is no peace between us 80% of the time...I'm just so sad...

Anyway, I know it was a bit more info than you asked, but I just don't know anymore, I'm so depressed....


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> there is no peace between us 80% of the time


Your problems go way deeper than just this instance. Generally is he an angry person?

Not having a job, feeling powerless, feeling controlled by you financially... maybe all of these things are going on at once and he's not very good at expressing himself over it.


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

Yeah, I think that is a big part of it too, but what can I do at this point? I have tried to be there for him emotionally, and he is VERY angry about everything...he didn't used to be that way, but he has become that way...

Just like actually about five minutes ago, he calls my cell phone, I'm at work, and my boss is standing over me at my desk, so I go ahead and miss the call on my cell phone, then he starts blasting my office phone to the point where my boss is like "Uh..do you need to answer that?" I got embarrassed and had to pick up the phone right in front of my boss, and he proceeds to tell me that there are some dents on MY car that he doesn't want me blaming him for (I got the new car he always insists on driving and has even taken it away from me at times to drive the car he has, which is an older model Honda Civic), so he goes off on me about that for 5 minutes WHILE MY BOSS IS STILL STANDING THERE, and I'm trying to get off the phone with him because I've gotten written up and got fired once because of the excessive cell phone use, but he still wants to call me and keep me on the phone for 45 minutes. I actually feel like crap because I feel I shouldn't have given him my office number because now if he doesn't get hold of me on my cell, he's blowing up my office and alternating the two until he gets what he wants...so yeah, problems are way deeper than just one argument...I'm just so depressed....


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Ummm, ok, wow. That was a lot of stuff happening in a short period of time like a weekend. As A Bit Much pointed out, I get that he is feeling powerless and controlled regarding finances. He also is coming across as entitled to getting as much money as he can get. His martyr attitude about not being able to see the kids because you decided to float your dad a loan was beyond ridiculous. He should have said, "OK, let's try and compromise. I'm having the kids this weekend and I'd like to do XYZ which will cost XX money so would it be OK to just give your dad $50 instead?". But that would be the logical and healthy way to communicate. Obviously your H is not able to do that right now. Or maybe you can take the lead next time and offer up a compromise when there can be one. 

But him trying to make you feel guilty needs to stop. But it needs to stop first with you. If he pulls a stunt like that again just say, "OK, hubby. I am not saying you can't see your children, you are, but that's your choice. There is a way to make everyone happy but if you can't see that then there is nothing we need to discuss". 

He's a child having a temper tantrum and won't stop until he gets his way. It's time for him to stop getting his way. Even though he is not bringing in money he can still be a wonderful father, a loving husband and exceptional friend. He needs something in his life that he feels good about but the only person who can find that is him. 

Please don't let him bring you down to his level. You need to start disengaging when he throws a hissy fit. I know our first instinct is to coddle but you are doing more harm than good.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

(...)


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

Irish, I TRIED to compromise..I even went so far as to tell my dad I couldn't loan him any money and I took all the blame on myself, I told him I messed up my checkbook and I didn't account for something I had paid...so I begged my husband to please go get the kids, he still refused..then he started yelling at me because he said that I made him look like an ass in front of my dad because my dad knew that I was going to talk to my husband and when I refused, he knew it would make him look like a greedy bast*** to my dad. I told him that's not true, my dad knows our situation, knows that we don't have a lot of money and especially when the kids come we need all the money we can get, I told him that my dad even offered to pay half of groceries for the weekend for us, but that wasn't enough for him....

I'm ready to give up...       

I was ready to come home and just tell him "Look, this marriage isn't working out, we fight too much, I know I have made a lot of mistakes, but I just think that enough is enough.." and his mom called me and guilted me into trying again, honestly. 

THIS is gonna be long....

See, when we first met, both of us were still married. I was separated from my husband, getting ready to get a divorce, it was 100% over between my husband and I at that time, we were in the process of papers....the HONEST 100% truth is that he didn't tell me he was still married, he told me he was divorced, but after we had been together for about 6 months, of course I started seeing holes in his stories. I could never go to his place and he always had an excuse why "My mom is there watching my kids.", "I really don't want the neighbors being nosy.(he complained about one really bad neighbor that now I don't think ever really existed, he was just trying to keep me away from the house)", it was always something, so we would meet at my place, go out for awhile, but he would always wait until the weekends to see me (he said he was really busy at work and coming home to the kids, which he said he had custody of initially), then he would spend the weekend with me and go home Sunday. 

So he confesses me to after 6 months that he's still married but, "separated". Again, I question why I can't go to his place, then it started becoming the excuse that his wife was this psycho woman (it turned out to be true, just not the same way) and that she was always spying on him, trying to find anything on him that she could to burn him (which is true now, ironically) and it wasn't a good idea for us to be seen together at his place. Well, come to find out he wasn't separated either...but by the time I found out, she had found out about me, so she left him. I had my issues with him, we split for a bit, but then one day I got a phone call that he was on the verge of suicide, needed someone to be there with him so he wouldn't put a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger, so of course, I went to him. Turns out, his ex had come back to the house and cleaned it out when he was on a training trip out of state, and she had taken the kids and hidden them from him. At that time too, he was in big financial trouble with his house, and it was either sell it or go into foreclosure. He tried to sell it, I remember going through all of that with him, but she wouldn't sign the final paperwork to sell it because if she had, both of them would have walked away with about 8,000 dollars each. She decided she would rather let it foreclose than sell and get that money, but fast forward, we started living together, that's when things started getting hard. He finalized his divorce with her, and about 6 months later, we were married.

At first, things were great between us. We had our little whatever, but it wasn't bad, but then something happened and she got him arrested and put a false charge of assault on him. He lost his job, went into child support arrears, couldn't get another job because at first it had to do with his background (Assault on a family member/domestic violence is what showed), then it became about the arrears. It's not the amount, it's the ones that it's owed to, the Attorney General. At one time, the AG put a lien on our account for $26,000 about a year and a half ago, and both of us lost our jobs. After that, I got another job because the lien went on public record under his name, not mine, but he has been in the jobless rut ever since. 

and now things have progressed to this. So that's why he's so angry, he's always comparing me to his ex wife, he's always trying to get over on me before I do him, and even the good times are getting to the point where they're not good anymore. And now when he talks to me, he talks to me like I'm a dog...he calls me to come to him "Hey, stupid b**** that pays all the bills, I need to talk to ya.." He has told me that he's satisfied letting me handle everything while he just stays home, but he wants me basically to text him or call him every time I go to the bathroom. 

Maybe I do need to just get out....he's spit in my face when we've argued, he's slapped me, he's pushed me against the wall, shoved me onto the floor...and the ironic part is that he didn't do ANY of this to his ex wife, EVER. I swear he never put his hands on her like that, all he's ever done is throw things her way, even she herself has admitted that. She's lied about it, she even admitted to my mother in law that he has never put his hands on her, he's just yelled at her and thrown things in the house. But me, he's put his hands on a few times, and even though I think the worse is over unless he decides to just go crazy and kill me, I know the emotional toll isn't done yet. Like I said, he just called me and started yelling at me so loud my boss standing over me heard the conversation, and hung up the phone...I put my hand on him this morning, trying in desperation (and apparently in vain) to make peace...but it looks like it will be another dismal night either not talking at all, or him yelling at me again...       

So his momma calls me last night and says she's so worried about her son and his depression, and I tell her that I'm ready to just get out and she's like "Well, girl, you're at fault too, you got into this when he was still married, you knew what you were getting into, you need to stick this out with him because he didn't get into this by himself, you can't abandon him now.." and I am ready to tear my hair out....


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

damiana879 said:


> Yeah, I think that is a big part of it too, but what can I do at this point? I have tried to be there for him emotionally, and he is VERY angry about everything...he didn't used to be that way, but he has become that way...
> 
> Just like actually about five minutes ago, he calls my cell phone, I'm at work, and my boss is standing over me at my desk, so I go ahead and miss the call on my cell phone, then he starts blasting my office phone to the point where my boss is like "Uh..do you need to answer that?" I got embarrassed and had to pick up the phone right in front of my boss, and he proceeds to tell me that there are some dents on MY car that he doesn't want me blaming him for (I got the new car he always insists on driving and has even taken it away from me at times to drive the car he has, which is an older model Honda Civic), so he goes off on me about that for 5 minutes WHILE MY BOSS IS STILL STANDING THERE, and I'm trying to get off the phone with him because I've gotten written up and got fired once because of the excessive cell phone use, but he still wants to call me and keep me on the phone for 45 minutes. I actually feel like crap because I feel I shouldn't have given him my office number because now if he doesn't get hold of me on my cell, he's blowing up my office and alternating the two until he gets what he wants...so yeah, problems are way deeper than just one argument...I'm just so depressed....


I have to say you have more control over this nonsense than you believe. The constant calls? Nope not cool. Especially if you've lost a job over it. He's not even around you and yet he's controlling the situation. He would hear about that one, and pretty good (when you get home). "Do NOT call my office phone under any circumstances. I will not be losing any more jobs because of you not respecting me." "Call my cell and I will call you back when I can. PERIOD." Don't argue with him about it, and if he disrespects you again, take your phone off the hook for a few minutes. If you have to go so far to get a new direct line, request one. 

Stop allowing him to manipulate you when he's upset. He has to learn that throwing tantrums isn't the way to communicate with you and you'll have to reteach him. He's learned by your reactions that this method works.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

After reading your additional post...I retract my previous comments.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have the two of you been married?

Why are you and your children leaving your home when your husband demands it? Why are you putting up with his abusive anger?

Your husband might not be hitting you and putting his hands on you, but he is emotionally abusing you. And your are walking on egg shells and trying to figure out what you can do to get him to stop acting like this.

When did he start with anger?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

damiana879 said:


> Irish, I TRIED to compromise..I even went so far as to tell my dad I couldn't loan him any money and I took all the blame on myself, I told him I messed up my checkbook and I didn't account for something I had paid...so I begged my husband to please go get the kids, he still refused..then he started yelling at me because he said that I made him look like an ass in front of my dad because my dad knew that I was going to talk to my husband and when I refused, he knew it would make him look like a greedy bast*** to my dad. I told him that's not true, my dad knows our situation, knows that we don't have a lot of money and especially when the kids come we need all the money we can get, I told him that my dad even offered to pay half of groceries for the weekend for us, but that wasn't enough for him....
> 
> I'm ready to give up...
> 
> ...


I'm not even going to address his momma. Not yet anyway...

WOW. Look at what I've bolded from your post above. If this were your daughter what would you tell her to do? If you were mine I would be appalled that I raised you to take this type of abuse from any man and wondering what I did wrong because I didn't teach you that. I have a 24 year old daughter and I didn't raise a punching bag or door mat. 

You better find your self worth and get her revved up because this is some crazy drama you don't need in your life. He's lied to you and manipulated you from the first DAY. The FIRST DAY. Why are you even asking about how to make up? Make up what exactly? You want to continue to be his punching bag?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

_*"...Maybe I do need to just get out....he's spit in my face when we've argued, he's slapped me, he's pushed me against the wall, shoved me onto the floor...*_

Maybe?!??

You need to get out. Now. And call the cops first. Do you have somewhere you can go somewhere you can be safe?

Do not mess around, you are playing with fire at this point. Do it. Talk later.

Throw some stuff in a bag and go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

damiana879 said:


> Maybe I do need to just get out....he's spit in my face when we've argued, *he's slapped me, he's pushed me against the wall, shoved me onto the floor*...and the ironic part is that he didn't do ANY of this to his ex wife, EVER. *I swear he never put his hands on her like that, all he's ever done is throw things her way, even she herself has admitted that. * She's lied about it, she even admitted to my mother in law that he has never put his hands on her, he's just yelled at her and thrown things in the house. But me, he's put his hands on a few times, and even though I think the worse is over unless he decides to just go crazy and kill me, I know the emotional toll isn't done yet. Like I said, he just called me and started yelling at me so loud my boss standing over me heard the conversation, and hung up the phone...I put my hand on him this morning, trying in desperation (and apparently in vain) to make peace...but it looks like it will be another dismal night either not talking at all, or him yelling at me again...


Your husband is physically abusing you and you are making excuses for his behavior. 

Throwing things and breaking things is considered to be abuse. It’s a threat of physical violence. I do not believe that he did not do the things to her that he does to you. She may have told his mother at one time that he was not physically abusive or your MIL might just be lying to you to cover for her ‘darling’ son. You, nor anyone else, have any idea at all what went on between them in their home when no one else was around to see it. Many abusers hide their abuse very well by only doing it behind closed doors. How many people besides you and he know that he has put his hands on you?

This man lied to you over and over when you dated him. Yet you made excuses for his lies. You unwittingly had an affair with a married man. Well, you were unaware that he was married until you found out that he was still married. And yet you continued to make excuses for his lies and for his abuse of his wife.

Now you are surprised that he treats you just like he treated his first wife? Why?

You made a mistake marrying this guy. It’s time for you to stop making excuses for him and you take care of yourself and your children.


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

I have decided to get out. I went to my dads house Monday night and went home yesterday. When I got home, he SEEMED to be in a decent mood, making little jokes here and there, but him and I didn't talk much. I went to bed, but was woke up at 3 this morning because my head was hurting so bad. I have cluster headaches and I'm in the middle of a hot period with them. So I woke up, rolled around and about thirty minutes after, he asks me if I'm ok...I tell him no, I'm having a really bad episode with my headaches and he says he's horny!!!! I started thinking "I'm using the AGE old excuse 'I have a headache.' and he's saying he's HORNY...is he joking???" So I TRIED again to cuddle with him and get him to hold me until I could go back to sleep...needless to say, I give into the sex and after our wash up, he rolls over and goes to sleep, leaving me still with my head pounding to keep tossing and turning for another hour before I have to get up for work...this is the 4th day in a row my headaches have woke me up between 2:30 and 3:00AM, and I'm exhausted on top of everything. But the sex this morning with him didn't feel right....I didn't feel the passion and love like I did before, I thought maybe it was just me and I need to get over it, but I just don't know...so I'm afraid I'm going to have to get out...I wanted to try again, even after everything, but my body is giving out, I can't take it anymore...thanks for the advice guys...


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