# New Member with a question about wife's past



## george49

Hello,

I am totally new to this group but I came here looking for some advice. 

We've been married 30+ years and still have a fairly active sex life. We met at 31 so there was time for meeting others before we got together. My issue, that I can't seem to resolve, concerns my wife's past lovers. I know she had some but not much more. She told me she had seven guys ask to marry her, had a one nighter with a married man, and one or two other things. I would just like to hear about her past all at once. She gives tidbits here and there but never the full story. Other than this problem we are extremely compatible and have been together a long time.

Should I just let it go or should I try to get more information from her. I'm not sure of my problem, maybe a bit of insecurity. She would never do anything to hurt me but somewhere inside I really want to know about her past. It's hard for me NOT to think about her past.

Thanks
George


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## farsidejunky

Let it go. 

No good can come from it. 

Or...let her go. 

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## uhtred

Why do you want to know? Is it just idle curiosity? Might some answers make you think badly of her? 

I've been married 30 years and I don't know my wife's past before we were married. If some day she decides to tell me, that's fine, but if not, thats OK too. I have nothing more than vague idle curiosity.


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## EleGirl

You have been married to her for 30 years. Why is this even an issue?


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## sa58

Let it go !!

You have been together for 30 + years and are 
still as you say compatible. You met at 31 and both
of ( you to ) saw other people correct ? If she had told you 
everything 30 + years ago would you have married her ?
Think of all of the great times you could have missed ?
Think of all of the things you will maybe miss if you do not
let this go. You said she had seven guys ask her to marry
them. She did not choose them correct ? 

She married you and has stayed married for 30 + years.
Why ? Because you are the person she loves and
decided to share her life with. Someone special,
her love and her life long partner. I do not see anything to 
insecure about. There are many stories here on TAM
of marriages that last at best 3 to 5 years. Yours has lasted
30+ and probably many more. 

LET IT GO!!!!
I hope you and your wife enjoy many more years together.


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## arbitrator

george49 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am totally new to this group but I came here looking for some advice.
> 
> We've been married 30+ years and still have a fairly active sex life. We met at 31 so there was time for meeting others before we got together. My issue, that I can't seem to resolve, concerns my wife's past lovers. I know she had some but not much more. She told me she had seven guys ask to marry her, had a one nighter with a married man, and one or two other things. I would just like to hear about her past all at once. She gives tidbits here and there but never the full story. Other than this problem we are extremely compatible and have been together a long time.
> 
> Should I just let it go or should I try to get more information from her. I'm not sure of my problem, maybe a bit of insecurity. She would never do anything to hurt me but somewhere inside I really want to know about her past. It's hard for me NOT to think about her past.
> expectations
> Thanks
> George


*This should have been done at least at the very outset of the relationship with her!

Hate to say it, but it seems a tad late to "go fishing" at this stage of your marriage. It seems that you accepted her past improprieties with an implied acceptance of them!

IMHO, you would have had far better expectations, had she never said anything at all to you, instead of gradually spoon-feeding you selective tidbits of her past!*


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## BigToe

Good lord, let it go. She probably can't remember full details of lovers from 30+ years ago.


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## ConanHub

george49 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am totally new to this group but I came here looking for some advice.
> 
> We've been married 30+ years and still have a fairly active sex life. We met at 31 so there was time for meeting others before we got together. My issue, that I can't seem to resolve, concerns my wife's past lovers. I know she had some but not much more. She told me she had seven guys ask to marry her, had a one nighter with a married man, and one or two other things. I would just like to hear about her past all at once. She gives tidbits here and there but never the full story. Other than this problem we are extremely compatible and have been together a long time.
> 
> Should I just let it go or should I try to get more information from her. I'm not sure of my problem, maybe a bit of insecurity. She would never do anything to hurt me but somewhere inside I really want to know about her past. It's hard for me NOT to think about her past.
> 
> Thanks
> George


Have you always felt like this or is this a fairly recent occurrence?


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## Spicy

Welcome to TAM.

Have you ever said exactly what you just said to us?

"Honey, I have always only heard bits and pieces about your sex life before we got together. I would love to hear all about it. I've always been curious. Would you be willing to tell me?"

IF you have asked directly, what did she say?

And yes, you should let it go, but it doesn't sound like you can.


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## oldshirt

Things coming out over time is inevitable. You can't spew out 30 years of life in one day. 

We all learn about each other and get to know each other over time. 

Now as far as her sexual history - We are all entitled to our privacy and no one is entitled to full knowledge of someone else's private life before getting with them. 

Some things are simply none of your business and some things about you are none of her business. 

I know that is a hard pill for some people to swallow, but that is a reality. 

You knew she was a single adult and was not virginal when you first got together. 

She would be obligated to inform you of an incurable STD and probably wise to inform you if she had any biological children out there. But that is really about it.


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## sokillme

george49 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am totally new to this group but I came here looking for some advice.
> 
> We've been married 30+ years and still have a fairly active sex life. We met at 31 so there was time for meeting others before we got together. My issue, that I can't seem to resolve, concerns my wife's past lovers. I know she had some but not much more. She told me she had seven guys ask to marry her, had a one nighter with a married man, and one or two other things. I would just like to hear about her past all at once. She gives tidbits here and there but never the full story. Other than this problem we are extremely compatible and have been together a long time.
> 
> Should I just let it go or should I try to get more information from her. I'm not sure of my problem, maybe a bit of insecurity. She would never do anything to hurt me but somewhere inside I really want to know about her past. It's hard for me NOT to think about her past.
> 
> Thanks
> George


It's been 30 years. The married man makes her a jerk though (to put it nicely). That would worry me, but 30 years, too late to worry about that.


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## Wolfman1968

george49 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am totally new to this group but I came here looking for some advice.
> 
> We've been married 30+ years and still have a fairly active sex life. We met at 31 so there was time for meeting others before we got together. My issue, that I can't seem to resolve, concerns my wife's past lovers. I know she had some but not much more. She told me she had seven guys ask to marry her, had a one nighter with a married man, and one or two other things. I would just like to hear about her past all at once. She gives tidbits here and there but never the full story. Other than this problem we are extremely compatible and have been together a long time.
> 
> Should I just let it go or should I try to get more information from her. I'm not sure of my problem, maybe a bit of insecurity. She would never do anything to hurt me but somewhere inside I really want to know about her past. It's hard for me NOT to think about her past.
> 
> Thanks
> George


Dude, what are you going to do with that information?

I think you'd better think through each scenario before you open this Pandora's box.

Like, what if she tells you some really shocking things that you weren't expecting, like group sex, a bunch of one-night stands, etc.? Or if she tells you about some wild sex acts she did with another guy that she never did with you? Will that make you even more upset? Will you divorce her over it? You need to really think this whole thing out, every contingency.

You don't specifically say, but it *doesn't* sound from your posting that she has specifically LIED to you about anything, or that she misled you. That kind of behavior I feel is abhorrent. It sounds more like you two just never talked too much about it, but you knew there could be more than has been said. However, it doesn't sound like you are alleging that she misrepresented anything. 

If you basically got married with a "we won't ask about the past" agreement, even an unspoken one, then you need to honor that. Don't do a "bait and switch" on her by promising one thing and then changing the rules.

Think, dude!


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## threelittlestars

Seems an odd thing to fixate on 30+ years into your relationship. I don't think you should have dwelled on this at all. Or if you did within the first few months or years together. Not 10 or 20 or 30! years into it.


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## TJW

George49 said:


> She would never do anything to hurt me


Keep that thought..... that's a good one which works.... for both of you.

I was just sitting here having a daydream, and thinking about Mrs. George49....if she were the one posting here, how would I advise her? I think that I would advise her to "keep that thought", too.

There's a BIG problem with "TMI" (too much information) between married people about sexual pasts.....that's one of the legitimate reasons for "trickle truth". Things spoken can never be unspoken.....and things spoken can "take on a life of their own" and cause lots of damage to the marriage. And, mainly, for no good reason .....like in your case....

You and Mrs. G have an enviable relationship of 30 years. Hell's bells....anything she did was 3 frickin' decades ago.....in most of our lives, we were quite different people 30 years ago than we are today.

Some Staten Island advice......fuhgedaboudit....


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## personofinterest

Are you looking for a reason to leave your marriage, and you just want to dig around to see if you can make it her fault? Because that's the only reason I can think of for going down this road. If that's the case, just man up and it made you don't want to be married and take the fall. Digging around her pre marriage passed to try to twist it into some reason she isn't worth being married to is just cowardly.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Married 33 yrs here. Your curiosity may be piqued at this stage, for something new to discuss but it's only that. 
Don't keep picking at something in six months you'll have moved on to something else, totally unrelated, and as a couple. 

Christ, let this topic go unless you want to alienate your partner of 30 plus yrs. If creating a chasm between you and W is your intent....you're on the right track.

Let this topic go brother.


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## george49

Thanks for all the replies. I will work on letting it go. I have a bit of obsessive disorder so that's why I sometimes get into this rut.


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## george49

I am not looking to leave. I love my wife dearly. It's just that after she shared a bit, my curiosity has got the better of me.


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## michzz

Unless you have some reason to thing the past is boiling up into the present, then let it go. If tehre was some overlap of before and your marriage, that would be something too.

But at this point, my read on this is that you will lose your wife if you bite at this one.

Is that what you really want to happen?

If it is, then don't be passive about wanting to leave your marriage and don't pin it on her.


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## michzz

Unless you have some reason to thing the past is boiling up into the present, then let it go. If there was some overlap of before and your marriage, that would be something too.

But at this point, my read on this is that you will lose your wife if you bite at this one.

Is that what you really want to happen?

If it is, then don't be passive about wanting to leave your marriage and don't pin it on her.


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## BigToe

george49 said:


> I am not looking to leave. I love my wife dearly. It's just that after she shared a bit, my curiosity has got the better of me.


You do remember that curiosity killed the cat, right? Obsess over this, she chose you. You apparently were better than anyone she had previously AND it seems you satisfy her to the point she's still with you. You are one lucky man!
Obsess over that too.


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## george49

BigToe said:


> george49 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I am not looking to leave. I love my wife dearly. It's just that after she shared a bit, my curiosity has got the better of me.
> 
> 
> 
> You do remember that curiosity killed the cat, right? Obsess over this, she chose you. You apparently were better than anyone she had previously AND it seems you satisfy her to the point she's still with you. You are one lucky man!
> Obsess over that too.
Click to expand...

This is true. I am lucky to have found her after my first marriage went south. I'll try have more positive thoughts.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

You've been married 30+ years?

I think the statute of limitations on you being able to ask questions about her past expired some time ago.

________________________________________________________________

Also, what if you learned something unsavory about her past that preceded your relationship with her; does that in any way invalidate the three plus decades you've spent together? You have over 30 years of history with her; this is both a very long time and it is the most recent thirty years. I would think the content of those 30 years is all you need be concerned about. That will tell you everything you need to know at this point.


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## george49

Thanks for the positive comments! As I said before, I am not looking to leave my wife. I love my wife dearly. It's just that after she shared a bit about her past and my curiosity has got the better of me. I'd have been better off if she didn't partially share her past but knowing bits and pieces just makes me curious. 

And that's where I am: curious (mostly about the married guy) and on the obsessive side. I will try to control my obsessiveness because she is the best thing that ever happened to me.

The responses about divorce have no bearing here and I prefer you not include divorce in any future responses; she will not leave me and I will not leave her. We love each other too much for that.


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## BluesPower

george49 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am totally new to this group but I came here looking for some advice.
> 
> We've been married 30+ years and still have a fairly active sex life. We met at 31 so there was time for meeting others before we got together. My issue, that I can't seem to resolve, concerns my wife's past lovers. I know she had some but not much more. She told me she had seven guys ask to marry her, had a one nighter with a married man, and one or two other things. I would just like to hear about her past all at once. She gives tidbits here and there but never the full story. Other than this problem we are extremely compatible and have been together a long time.
> 
> Should I just let it go or should I try to get more information from her. I'm not sure of my problem, maybe a bit of insecurity. She would never do anything to hurt me but somewhere inside I really want to know about her past. It's hard for me NOT to think about her past.
> 
> Thanks
> George


Yes let it go for god's sake. 

I will answer questions from my GF but never ever numbers. And I don't care about hers which is somewhat easy for me to say, because she has not had that many. 

What are you worried about with your wife, and why? Was there someone bigger, yes. Was there someone better overall in the sack, yes. Was their someone that just knocked her socks off with an insane sexual chemistry, yes. 

But here is the bottom line, is your sex life mutually satisfying? Do you actually LOVE one another? Has it been a happy marriage? If these questions are yes then you have nothing to worry about. 

But I would like to know why you are concerned? Are you insecure. 

Look at it like this, my GF and I, not too far off from you guys in age, a little younger. We have a WONDERFUL sex life, and for me she is the best in so many ways, but mostly because we are in love so deeply. 

Was there a girl that was better at one thing that she is, yes, were any of them the complete package that she is, not way in hell.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

BluesPower said:


> Yes let it go for god's sake.
> 
> I will answer questions from my GF but never ever numbers. And I don't care about hers which is somewhat easy for me to say, because she has not had that many.
> 
> What are you worried about with your wife, and why? Was there someone bigger, yes. Was there someone better overall in the sack, yes. Was their someone that just knocked her socks off with an insane sexual chemistry, yes.
> 
> But here is the bottom line, is your sex life mutually satisfying? Do you actually LOVE one another? Has it been a happy marriage? If these questions are yes then you have nothing to worry about.
> 
> But I would like to know why you are concerned? Are you insecure.
> 
> Look at it like this, my GF and I, not too far off from you guys in age, a little younger. We have a WONDERFUL sex life, and for me she is the best in so many ways, but mostly because we are in love so deeply.
> 
> Was there a girl that was better at one thing that she is, yes, were any of them the complete package that she is, not way in hell.


Great reply. It's the whole package you're interested in....

For example....I met a nurse once when I had emergency appendectomy. We dated three months or so, a total freak to go out with and in the sack. But my W is the whole package and we've done all the same things as we grew together. 

Point is.....I would never, ever have married the operating room nurse that bought me a bottle of Crown and drove me home when I was released from the hospital. It was indeed interesting, I didn't remember talking smack to her in the OR because of the good drugs but when she came to my room I rolled with it.
But again, never would have married her. Although even her parents loved me.....never was going to happen.


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## Bluesclues

george49 said:


> Thanks for the positive comments! As I said before, I am not looking to leave my wife. I love my wife dearly. It's just that after she shared a bit about her past and my curiosity has got the better of me. I'd have been better off if she didn't partially share her past but knowing bits and pieces just makes me curious.
> 
> And that's where I am: curious (mostly about the married guy) and on the obsessive side. I will try to control my obsessiveness because she is the best thing that ever happened to me.
> 
> The responses about divorce have no bearing here and I prefer you not include divorce in any future responses; she will not leave me and I will not leave her. We love each other too much for that.


What exactly is it that you want to know? And when did she tell you these snipets of her past that you are just fixating on them now?


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## TAMAT

George,

I'm also about 30 years married. A few things occurred to me when I read your post.

Perhaps what is making you curious is the fact that your W withheld the truth for so long, there is an element of deception in that.

Was she also aware that you would have objected to her relationship with a married man?

Through the years have any of the prior partners tried to contact her or do they live nearby or have indirect contact through mutual friends.

There's also the fact that these revelations are new to you.

Another aspect is that ex lovers are never really entirely ex, there is always a connection no matter how much they claim to have gotten past them. You are wise to find out who they are and where they are.

Tamat


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## BarbedFenceRider

george49 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am totally new to this group but I came here looking for some advice.
> 
> We've been married 30+ years and still have a fairly active sex life. We met at 31 so there was time for meeting others before we got together. My issue, that I can't seem to resolve, concerns my wife's past lovers. I know she had some but not much more. She told me she had seven guys ask to marry her, had a one nighter with a married man, and one or two other things. I would just like to hear about her past all at once. She gives tidbits here and there but never the full story. Other than this problem we are extremely compatible and have been together a long time.
> 
> Should I just let it go or should I try to get more information from her. I'm not sure of my problem, maybe a bit of insecurity. She would never do anything to hurt me but somewhere inside I really want to know about her past. It's hard for me NOT to think about her past.
> 
> Thanks
> George



30 years! Congratulations! As for knowing your wife's past....To be honest...It is WITH YOU. 30 years worth. And for the other stuff. How much could she really remember acurately? Does it really matter? As for being insecure, you have 30 years! You are mountain among mere mortals! Yeah, I agree with others and say...Let it go.


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## george49

Ok,ok! I get it! I'll work on forgetting it. No need to say it again. Thanks for the advice.


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## Adelais

george49 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am totally new to this group but I came here looking for some advice.
> 
> We've been married 30+ years and still have a fairly active sex life. We met at 31 so there was time for meeting others before we got together. My issue, that I can't seem to resolve, concerns my wife's past lovers. I know she had some but not much more. She told me she had seven guys ask to marry her, had a one nighter with a married man, and one or two other things. I would just like to hear about her past all at once. She gives tidbits here and there but never the full story. Other than this problem we are extremely compatible and have been together a long time.
> 
> Should I just let it go or should I try to get more information from her. I'm not sure of my problem, maybe a bit of insecurity. She would never do anything to hurt me but somewhere inside I really want to know about her past. It's hard for me NOT to think about her past.
> 
> Thanks
> George


George, those are questions you should have asked before you got married.

Since she didn't lie to you, but just didn't tell you details (because you didn't ask) IMO you need to just accept what you know and leave it all in the past. Those men were all BEFORE you knew her. Be happy that she chose to marry you even after bedding all those other guys before you.


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## I shouldnthave

Very very rarely is there any benefit in living life fixated on the rear view mirror.

Eyes on the windshield - looking forward. The past is done, can not be changed nor relived, upwards and onwards.


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## Diana7

george49 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am totally new to this group but I came here looking for some advice.
> 
> We've been married 30+ years and still have a fairly active sex life. We met at 31 so there was time for meeting others before we got together. My issue, that I can't seem to resolve, concerns my wife's past lovers. I know she had some but not much more. She told me she had seven guys ask to marry her, had a one nighter with a married man, and one or two other things. I would just like to hear about her past all at once. She gives tidbits here and there but never the full story. Other than this problem we are extremely compatible and have been together a long time.
> 
> Should I just let it go or should I try to get more information from her. I'm not sure of my problem, maybe a bit of insecurity. She would never do anything to hurt me but somewhere inside I really want to know about her past. It's hard for me NOT to think about her past.
> 
> Thanks
> George


I just dont understand why people don't talk about this stuff before they get married. To still not have been told after all these years seem mad. Have you ever actually sat her down and asked her for the full story??
I am 100% for honesty with the one you are going to marry, and I would want to know before the wedding.


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## personofinterest

It's pretty simple. Do you want to be a happily married man thankful for the wife in front of you, or do you want to be a cynical sad sack on a forum telling everyone to DNA their kids? This kind of cross roads is what will decide that period


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## george49

Diana7 said:


> I just dont understand why people don't talk about this stuff before they get married. To still not have been told after all these years seem mad. Have you ever actually sat her down and asked her for the full story??
> I am 100% for honesty with the one you are going to marry, and I would want to know before the wedding.


I have and she did and everything is fine....thank you.


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