# Relationship in trouble



## scared dude06 (Dec 6, 2009)

Hello all,

My wife tells me, after having to ask her what is really wrong.
She tells me that she is not happy with us. Tells me all these things I have done wrong over the years, by the way we are high school sweethearts and dated for 7 years before wedding. We have now been married for 10 years and have 2 children together.
She said she needed so time and space, so I have given her just that. I also changed all the things she said I was doing wrong. She said she can see a big change in me and it's good. But now she says she is dealing with all her feelings. I let her go and stay with girlfriends overnight and party with her friends while I stay at home with the kids. I does not seem to be getting any better though and now she wants to go away for a few days (like 3 to 5) Will this help or make it worse. Any help would be nice!!!!!!


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## DawgcityClev (Dec 6, 2009)

Sounds like she's always wanted to venture out some. As hurtful as it may sound. And spending time out with the ladies is only strengthening these feelings. People who are weak willed or are natural followers do these kind of things. What you need to do is now mention the things to her that bother you. She's mentioned your shortcomings, now mention hers. And be adamant about them. See how she reacts to this. Otherwise, a huge decision is in order between the two of you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You might want to give some serious consideration to counseling. It sounds like you two didn't have honest communication--she's dumping things on you now she ought to have hashed out with you long ago. A lot of resentment can build when two people don't communicate well over a long period of time. Her current behavior would really concern me, and waiting for her to "get over it" or, to try to just turn the tables on her, when there is a history of poor communication, will just be futile if you don't learn how to address issues and conflict well within the marriage. You may need to rekindle the marriage, too, with dating each other, etc., but all that is best done with the help and support of a good counselor.

I addressed issues with my husband early on but he refused to respond (he was afraid of conflict, I guess). His passive-aggressive behavior wore me down, so I quit communicating and tried to focus on the positives, etc. But over time, the lack of attention to my concerns destroyed any positive feelings I had for him--and I left at 21 years. I know what I did wrong (marrying him out of fear no one else would want me, shutting down and giving up and not insisting on counseling). You can avoid some of the really serious mistakes if you put your marriage as the top priority and devote the time, energy, and money it now desperately needs. I honestly would never encourage anyone who is on a site like this to try to fix it alone--by the time we start looking for help, it means we are aware that the issue is pretty big--and counseling is the best answer. It's scary to do-it's an admission for too many that the marriage is in serious danger--but that's what needs to happen. By the way, once you learn how helpful counseling is, it is so much easier to go back to make sure things never get so bad again! We get physicals annually; why do we let our marriages suffer from lack of professional help?


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## scared dude06 (Dec 6, 2009)

I have mentioned her shortcomings, and she has responded to some of them. But alot of them are my need for affection. My family is very open and loving ( we hug and kiss often), her family is distant and don't real show their feelings. She has also told me that she still loves me, but is not sure what she wants to do. I have talked to her about counseling but she doesn't want to do that.


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## scared dude06 (Dec 6, 2009)

I forgot to mention that since she told me all of this we have had several discussions and we are getting everything out that we are feeling. Now there is a good bit of tension and it is starting to wear on us.


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## JMAN777 (Dec 4, 2009)

I have been dealing with similar issues and we are close to being on our last leg but there is some hope left for sure. I would just make sure that your wife makes an effort and at least tries to understand where you are coming from eventually once she gets out of the resentment or confused cycle. She'll have to face up to it eventually. Also, I would try counseling and if she is not willing that is not a good sign in my opinion if she still cares about the marriage. Same deal with the 'I need space' comment. That is a red flag too. As far as the difference between families, I am dealing with exact same situation and think this ultimately led to a lot of the tension in our relationship. As mentioned by a previous poster, don't let her walk all over you. Definitely bring up the fact that there is an issue with her partying all night and that she has responsibilities.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

sacred dude, you've kept the communication lines open - that's a great start.
Allow the venting to occur - you both come from different backgrounds and deal with anger, sorrow, disappointment, etc. in different ways. Work with your wife in the way she knows how to cope with these challenges - and yes, give her the space/holiday she needs. But be honest with yourselves about it - particularly your wife - she needs to tell the truth about how she feels, so you can work on your marriage constructively.

All the best in that.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

scared dude06 said:


> Hello all,
> 
> My wife tells me, after having to ask her what is really wrong.
> She tells me that she is not happy with us. Tells me all these things I have done wrong over the years, by the way we are high school sweethearts and dated for 7 years before wedding. We have now been married for 10 years and have 2 children together.
> She said she needed so time and space, so I have given her just that. I also changed all the things she said I was doing wrong. She said she can see a big change in me and it's good. But now she says she is dealing with all her feelings. I let her go and stay with girlfriends overnight and party with her friends while I stay at home with the kids. I does not seem to be getting any better though and now she wants to go away for a few days (like 3 to 5) Will this help or make it worse. Any help would be nice!!!!!!


Don't give her this sort of space. She's basically just sub-consciously asking for permission to find another man. Hunt around and read the thread when the husband has allowed the wife to "go out with the girls and party" and you'll always find it eventually ends in her having sex with another guy. Basically these are trial runs at walking out on you. Apparently you just let her go and take her back. It's an evening, then a night, then a day, then 3 days, then 5 days, then a week, then two weeks, then a month, then...

Her problem with you is probably nothing that is coming out of her mouth. It's almost always that you are doing something that is killing her attraction to you. Figure out what that is and fix it asap.

Once a woman loses attraction for her man, she will make up endless spin to test him and try and divest herself of him. Not reacting with some degree of jealousy and intense interest in her regarding her leaving, is also killing her attraction to you.


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