# He Doesn't Want It At All!



## Princepessa (Nov 19, 2010)

To fully understand, this problem needs a little backstory. My husband and I work for a very large company that was hit very hard by the recession. Before the recession, I could ask for nothing more out of our relationship or our sex life because everything was perfect. Once the recession hit, the company gave us notice that we would be laid off indefinitely at the end of the year. Things were ok still until about two months into the layoff. We went from being intimate every day, to a couple times a week and eventually, only once or twice a month. I attributed this to depression related to the layoff and knew his drive would return once we returned to work. It got to the point, after several months, that all forms of affection from him had ceased. Again, I knew he was deeply depressed and things would geet better when we went back to work. I was called back to work in six months and it was over a year before he was called back. I gave it a month or so after he returned to work and still, I found myself begging for sex and when he gave in, he put zero effort into it, just like when he was still laid off. He has now been working for several months and still nothing has changed. It is not so much the sex I miss. It is more the affection and and the intimacy. I am getting to the point where I am depressed and (even though I know this probably is not the case) I am starting to blame myself. I am so attention-starved that I am finding every little thing that could possibly be wrong with me and trying to fix it hoping it will bring back the man I originally fell in love with. I've told him he should talk to his doctor about it, but of course, his depression has also led to a severe case of procrastination. I am almost to my breaking point and I do not know what else I can do. If I try to talk to him about it, he only seems to get annoyed. Is there ANYTHING that can fix this or does it sound totally hopeless? We are only in our early 30's. This can't be normal for a man so young to have no desire at all.


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## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

I really don't know what to tell you b/c I'm basically going thru the same thing w/ my dh...but I wanted to tell you I understand. With us, I got fired while 3 months pregnant, the day before I got fired i found out that 2 weeks prior he cheated on me while visiting a friend in CA. So that was a wonderful time in my life, fastforward 9 months, our son is 13 weeks now, immediately after having him our sex life was great, the best ever actually...but it's slowly getting worse. we aren't doing that great money wise b/c i don't have a job, they are cutting his hours at work, our car just broke so all extra money and some money that wasn't extra is going towards that. we have sex 2-3 times a week, or should i say we attempt sex that often, seems like every time we have sex or try he either can't get hard, or goes soft during. i personally don't get it, i mean my body is pretty much back to normal and how can you not be excited when i'm naked right there in front of you? it really hurts my feelings. he says it's nothing to do with me, that he's emotionally stressed to the max, blah blah blah...but to me sex is like literally the only time i can feel like just a woman instead of mommy...i love being a mom, but you need more than that to fullfil you. it's just so frustrating...like i am literally dreading tonight when he's supposed to "make it up to me" b/c i feel so bad and let down when it happens. it makes me feel unwanted, unattractive, and not sexy...UGH..men...get over your issues for 30 mins and do me LOL


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## a0330v (Oct 17, 2010)

Hi Princepessa,
I understand your situation and I think I might have a solution for you. 
Men often don't want to have sex when their masculinity is compromised and losing their job is one of those events that makes a man feel like he is not fulfilling his duty as a man, as a provider and as a husband. Getting out of that emotional rut is not as simple as getting back to work. Having lost his job once lowered his self esteem to the point that he feels he might get fired at any job. It's the feeling that he has lost a grip on one of the most important things in defining him as a man, providing for himself and his family, that can be overwhelming. 
The good thing is that that can changed in a very simple way.

1. Rediscover your Confidence. 
You want the man you fell in love with, but you also have to consider that in order to get that you need to be as confident in yourself and your body and love yourself as much as you did when you fell in love with him. There is nothing sexier than a woman who enjoys life and loves her body and herself unconditionally.
2. Start exercising Together.
Physical activity increases a man's testosterone levels and as any man would tell you: Lifting weights make them feel like they own the world!
Get a gym membership for both of you or find somewhere out in the fresh air and get busy at least 3 times a week. It makes no difference if you part ways at the door and reconvene in an hour or actually do the same workout, as long as he gets in that weight section to rediscover his strength. If you are a gym newbie, or just want to make him feel good, it might the fun to let him teach you how to exercise. Few things are as good for a man's ego as teaching someone something. If he can teach you how to lift the weights correctly he is sure to feel like he is back in business.
3. Plan a date night every week. No matter if that's cooking dinner and watching a fun dvd or going out to a restaurant, the movies etc. Anything that you both enjoy and where it will be just the two of you. If you haven't done it in a while, you might have to work a little harder at keeping the conversation alive, but after 3 times you'll be chatting like it's your first date.

Theses are some daily steps I do to make sure my relationship and sexlife are great.
1. Every morning I exercise for an hour. We leave the house together and come back at the same time. He runs and lifts weights we have at home while I simply walk. 
20min doing a simple breathing exercise: breathe in 4 through nose, breathe out on 4 thought mouth in little pushes.
10min I think about all the things and people, starting with my spouse and moving to family/friends/coworkers, that I am grateful for. 
10min of really going through my day in my head, thinking about how fun it will be, even though there might be some things I don't look forward to etc. A little fantasizing about how we are going to have amazing sex that night and how it would play out, makes me feel sexy and confident for the rest of the day.
20min of simply repeating a simple phrase like "I'm beautiful, strong and sexy YES!" really gets my confidence boosted and ready for the day.
2. I make sure to tell my husband how sexy he is and how much I love him every day. A simple text, phonecall or in person compliment and expression of love does wonders for his self esteem.
3. Every day I do something that I look forward to. Weather that be having dinner with my husband, watching a movie I've been looking forward to, drinks with the girls, a long phonecall to a friend, getting my nails done etc. Anything that I can look forward to during the day that will keep my mood up will do.

Get ready to have that sexy life back that makes you feel like a woman and him feel like a man!


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

Princepessa, if it's ok to ask, how are things going right now?


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