# What To Do?



## CJ83 (Jun 7, 2012)

How it all started from the get go; well not the get go of myself but the get go of how I came to find myself in an emotionally abusive, loving, failing, happy, unhappy, etc marriage.

As A young child I didn’t know what divorce was. It was something that people who hated each other got when they were married. Every person in my family but my mother and father have been married and divorced at least twice if not more. So divorce wasn’t as uncommon to me as I thought but I never knew it was named as such I just thought it was when a mommy and daddy decided they hated each other and wanted a new person. Odd how a Childs mind will wrap that isn’t it? Growing up we were never rich and moved around a lot with my dad trying to find his way in life. Dad had dropped out of school in 10th grade and went about his life being a “Marlboro man” of sorts. He and my mother met and had a whirlwind of a courtship that they way they describe it was no less then magical. My mom was 18 and my dad was 20 when I was born March 4 1983. Born in Louisville, KY to a family made up of bikers, outlaws, shiners, diners, and all the sorts between and they all loved me and I them. Love was never in short supply around the house as my dad worked 2 and 3 jobs to make sure we had food on the table. At one point we lived in a chevette in Daytona Beach Florida while dad was working on construction jobs down there to make money to be able to eventually put a roof over our head. My dad lived in that car for 6 months prior to when we came as we lived in my grandpa’s trailer deep in the valley so that dad could save to get us a place. We lived in that car as a family for only a couple weeks and then moved into our apartment. We bounced around first Florida, Georgia, Alabama, South Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky and anywhere else dad could find good paying work to take care of us. That’s what the man is supposed to do right? Provide; well at least where I am from. Long story short we settle in TN for 10 years where my little brother is born 5 years after me and when we move back to KY my little sister is born 3 years after my brother. My mom went to college and got her degree and worked for a medical firm running their books for about 10 years before they sold out to a worldly type machine and she was left with a severance package. No big deal because my dad had a AWESOME job that paid more than enough for us to live so my mom became a stay at home mom. I have never in my life saw my dad cook in the kitchen or do laundry so growing up that is how I thought things went and what my wife would do for me. You know the “Me George you Jane” mentality just with less dragging by the hair and not so much blunt force trauma from the big end of a stick. My mom and dad never fought and to this day in the 29 years I have been on this Earth I have not ever seen them argue but maybe once at most and that was only because I wasn’t supposed to be where I was. My dad was always stern and handled the elevated punishment if my mom couldn’t get it through to us. At 18 I signed up for the Army to be a 25B but when it came meps day they had me as a 35B which wasn’t happening so I bounced out of their quick as I could and decided I didn’t want the military. 2 years past and tons of warehouse dead end jobs I decided to give the USAF a try and went through with it. Basic in San Antonio then unto tech school at Biloxi, MS then my final duty station Langley AFB, VA and that is where this story really starts.

I was in the USAF and was stationed Langley AFB, VA about 700 miles from home; knowing no one the first year or so of my military life I spent hanging out with co-workers and friends on post and never really thought about the outside world much. When I was given the chance to move out of the dorms I just jumped on it and moved out as soon as possible. Of course I found the biggest apartment I could afford which just happened to be a lake view 3 bed 2 bath that I shared with a co-worker. I was however not sure how to find women; I Mean what is a bachelor party pad without women running rampant? I tried some dating sites but they didn’t really work, I tried bars but that was definitely not where I would Meet Miss Right more like Miss Right Now, and I had all but given up hope when I found MySpace. As crazy as it sounds MySpace gave me the avenue to Meet more locals than ever before and not have the fear of rejection hold me back. So the search was on and I would add anyone that looked pretty and had a pulse as the more the better chances of finding something Meaningful. After many failures and other things just didn’t work I had all but given up hope of finding something Meaningful in the state I was stationed at. I guess during one of my midnight adding of every female I could find I had added a woman who actually interested me more then I would ever know. We were into the same music and shared so much in common it was completely uncanny; however I would not realize this until much later.

Fast forward a few weeks and I get devastating news; my little brother had hit a telephone pole doing 60MPH back home in KY and was in a coma and they didn’t know if he would live or die. Of course being the social butterfly I was straight to MySpace I went to get everyone’s point of view and advice; while reading through the “Sorry to hear bro” “Prayers sent” and the like I saw a post by a young lady that said “Everything will be alright” and that was the spark I needed. This girl and I became instant pen pals of sort exchanging these Messages to each other and she just helped me cope with all that was going on and eventually she was right and my brother made a full recovery. The spark didn’t end there though as I was very intrigued by this girl and really felt I needed to meet her; she was a partier like me and drove a pretty new Mercedes which to Me Meant she was high class and probably was just being nice to the man from KY. We chatted all the time though and got to know each other quite well over the internet; I finally found a way to get her phone number as I had a picture on my Razr flip phone that I just had to share so I was able to get her cell number (I can still recite it to this day). It was on from there as we had transitioned to flirting somewhat on MySpace and then over to text. It was so much fun; one night I was at a female co-workers house in Yorktown, VA; and got pretty tipsy and decided it was time to call this young lady and ask her to come out; I honestly never expected her to as she lived in Williamsburg, VA which is like 25 miles away but she actually said yes to Me and was on her way. When she got to the apartment complex I Met her at the front and rode to the apartment with her; little did she know this was the start of a 7+ year relationship. The party was great and I was rather tipsy and so was she it seemed. The party died and there we sat on the couch like two teenagers at a party not knowing what to do; this part is a little fuzzy as I am not sure who made the first move on who but we ended up kissing for quite a while on the couch. I felt it was time to make my move so with one hand I got her belt undone (which seemingly took forever) but to my amazement she stood up and buckled it up and told me she is not like that. At the time I felt that I would never hear from her again as she got up and left to go home. The next day I was not sure what to do but I spoke to my friend and he told Me to text her so that is what I did; she had felt the same way that I would never talk to her again but I had proved that thought wrong which I think intrigued her. From there we started planning to hang out (this was in October 2005).

We hung out at parties all around the place had a blast just being with each other and feeling the nibbles of the love bug bites nipping our heals. At the time we didn’t know what they were but we just knew we were having fun and were neither looking for anything serious at that point as she had just got out of a long term relationship that she was hurt by and well I was a 22 year old male in the USAF with nothing to do but party. One night she came over for a “her and I movie night” on my 20” flat screen CRT Memorex TV in my living room while sitting on a couch that would have been thrown away by the goodwill. While the movie was going we inched our way over to each other and eventually we ended up kissing and it got rather hot and heavy which at this point I asked if she wanted to go to the bedroom and get closer which she was hesitant about but eventually let herself go. Things got hot and heavy and were surly going down the road to intercourse when she made me promise her something that I still remember to this day 7+ years later.

Her: “All I ask is never hurt me please”

Me: “I never have and never will hurt you”

After that we had sex on my broken futon which I was using as my bed as I was a broke E3 at the time and it was a lot better than the air mattress I had been using before.

This stemmed an infatuation as our bodies’ endorphins had put us on a “love high” that we thought was strong enough we needed to act upon it. She invited me to come and Meet her best friend who lived in Virginia Beach and for support for myself I had invited my best friend along. So went the trip with her driving, me sitting shotgun and my buddy sitting in the back of this little 2 door hatch C230K. When we arrived to her friend’s house I was greeted with a test that the friend had created to see if I was a good match for her best friend. Evidently I passed because her friend approved and by the end of the night I had decided I wanted to date this girl and nothing was going to stop Me. Eventually we eased into a relationship over the course of the next week following her friend’s house. The intimacy was amazing and I had never shared such a strong connection with a person before and I had pretty much felt that this was the woman for me. We had a great time as we were young and free; we spent most days emailing back and forth due to me working in a secure building with no personal electronics allowed but once off work the text Message extravaganza was on. We texted till the wee hours of the morning and just couldn’t get enough of each other (see endorphin love high). Of course we would leave extreme amounts of gag me with a spoon in love comments on each other’s my spaces because that was our stomping grounds. It was perfect; we would party on the weekends and have awesome intimate sessions with each other anytime we saw each other. We were inseparable.

Then the orders came down from headquarters; I was to deploy September 11, 2006 and would be deployed for an indefinite amount of time doing an undisclosed job in an undisclosed country. We put it into the back of our minds as it was still like 6 months away and we would deal with it when the time came. We just kept about our business of being infatuated with each other; by this time I have a new apartment which was a little closer but not much but she would drive the 40 minute drive down almost every night just to lay in bed with me. At this time she was in nursing school and I was of course bracing myself for the wilderness that was going to my deployment. Fast forward a few months and it are about 2 weeks from my day to leave. She asks if I will go to Kay jewelers and look at some jewelry as we have been dating for about a year now and I kind of had got the inklings that she wanted a ring but was not sure. We went to Kay and started looking at rings; one thing led to another she picked out an engagement ring and we were then engaged rather faster than I had expected but I was in love this woman and nothing could deter that path. So it was no worry for me as things would have got there eventually. Well 3 days before I deploy we have Tropical Storm Ernesto hit and I had to go get my DCU’s from alterations and all I had was my lowered 2002 Mustang GT. My buddy was off of work that day so he went with Me and everything went fine getting there; when leaving I had to go a different route but thought nothing of it honestly until I hit a stream of water and my car shut off which turned out was due to a hydrolocked engine. Just what I needed right? Pulled the plugs and yadda yadda yadda bent rod yadda yadda yadda. I have to rush to get her the power of attorney so that she can deal with my insurance company about the car. The car gets towed to a local dealership where another one of my friends works so that I knew the car would be taken care of. The day for me to leave arrives and she takes me to the airport that I was to fly out of; this was hard but knowing she was there waiting for me somehow made it better. I arrived at my destination 24 hours later and was able to make a quick phone call; it was night here in the states but she had waited up for my call and was just hysterical when we talked on the phone. It filled my heart with joy until honest tears of love and joy ran from my eyes and at that point I knew this woman had my heart completely.

Finally I was able to settle into somewhat of a routine where I could talk to her. She had changed her sleep schedule so that she could talk to me via Google chat. We would talk for hours about everything that we could as we just did not want to let go of any time we could have spent together. I flew around a lot so there were weeks that I only got to say “Hi I am alive I love you please don’t worry” and be gone for a week more. I could not tell her my location as I honestly was flying around all over the place doing my job. However the loneliness has set in and after the spoils of the love infatuation I had wore off and all felt lost I had some weak moments. I asked my friend to send me all the viral nudie-girl emails he could find my direction as I needed material to help my time through the desert. At the same time I was a part of a huge mustang forum and of course everyone wanted to do their part to help the troops. A younger female that had just popped up on the site was an attention craver it seems and she got my email and send provocative pictures to it. I never responded and deleted the pictures as soon as I got them before anything could come of it; or so I thought. My fiancé had been watching my emails and had seen the dirty emails my best friend had sent and saw the one that the girl sent me. She never said anything and just went about her business however the following weeks she had a trip planned to NJ to visit her friend from her childhood years. While there I didn’t hear a lot out of her as she was partying pretty hard until the typical night I got to call of the week she could not talk because she had got to the level of drinking that she puked on the side of a building and passed out in a car. No big deal there as she had been handling all the issues with my car and such and needed to blow off steam. I ordered extreme amount of parts for my mustang while deployed and she made sure they were all there. She checked on my apartment to make sure it was still in good nick and order. Fast forward quite a few months and it’s time for me to come home; however my flight is delayed and I am stuck at BWI waiting a flight to Pittsburgh to get my flight home. She decides to drive to BWI to pick me up and take me home; I have NEVER in my life been so happy to see an individual and she was the same. She drove home and I slept in the backseat in a McDonalds Big Mac induced food coma. Upon arrival home she took me to my apartment and waited on me like a king as just wanted to be close to me. This was my happiness possibly one of the happiest moments in my life. We had a welcome home party and I saw everyone I needed to see and it was just about us after that.

I finally got my car fixed and all my parts I put on it done. She was still working on nursing school and I was a 30 day RR bit just sitting around hanging out with her and partying it up from time to time. Then I returned to work and time passed. Fast forward to May 2007; we have the talk about the wedding and decide that we will be wed exactly 365 days from that day. It was so exciting for the both of us. However a month passed and she had a talk with me; she wanted to move the date to Feb 3 2008 as that was a very important day to her as it was her grandpa’s birthday that had such a pivotal role in her life before he passed. I agreed so not the date was 3 months sooner than expected but it didn’t matter as I was in love and so was she. However yours truly started to get the cold feet to the extreme; what was I doing? Is this right? I’m only doing this once I know that for sure and etc. I reclosed within my relationship at a pivotal time; a time that should have been the happiest ever was a time of great worry and unrest for me as I was not rich and lived in a not so great apartment and here she was driving Mercedes and living in the rich part of the area. Unknowingly I put our relationship on the back burner and placed the role of wedding manager solely on her shoulders. I honestly did nothing and when ask I was reluctant and tried to absolve myself of the situation all together. The harder she pushed the harder I pushed back and delved deeper into a devotion to material things and how they made me look. This was where I turned a cold shoulder to our marriage that hadn’t even happened yet. I got out of active duty on June 24 2007 so it was time to grow a beard to prove to myself I was a manly man and needed to call upon the spirit of grizzly Adams I aptly named my beard “a bastard beard”. The week of the wedding was upon us and we had it all planned out. Once we got married I would live with her, her mom, and grandma to save money so that we could move back to my home state of Kentucky. She pleaded with me to shave my beard down and to get a haircut which to both I responded with a furious “NO”. Little did I know this would be our first fight; almost 3 years into our relationship our first fight was happening. I refused to budge on the subject so she just accepted that I would be like this on our wedding day but she would love me anyways. Then the financial side of things happened; we were not ready for the bills and luckily she had a new school check coming in so that paid for the wedding. After the wedding we drove off in my mustang and went to my apartment that I was still renting and had a party; odd yes but at the time it fit.

I move out of my apartment and into her over the garage suite. Life is good as I am now a contractor working for the Army as a System Analyst and making dang good money. My dad had given me a 1961 pinhead to show his appreciation for a job well done; but sadly I sold it to my dad to further fund our move to KY. In April my now wife informed Me that she was going to come off her birth control so that we could be ready in 6 months to have a child. I figured 6 months gives us time to get ready right? Wrong my wife because pregnant within 2 weeks of coming off BC which honestly scared the crap out of Me as I never really wanted children. Once again I reclosed from the relationship as all I was worried about was getting back to Kentucky and I would deal with the whole kid thing later. Worst idea ever; to make a long story short we finally moved to Kentucky. I didn’t come to KY with a job but my wife did. She had graduated and passed her boards and was a true RN. Finances became our real burden that took the forefront when we moved to KY which overcastted the fact that I was emotionally absent in my fresh marriage. After finding us a place to live and going through the moving in jitters I felt it was time to reconnect with past friends that I could still tolerate. In doing so I reverted back to what I was before I went to the military. Hanging out with friends then became my primary goal and my wife and unborn child had taken a backseat to my social butterfly like state. I Met friends out to eat and for drinks quite often at a local watering hole call “roosters”. My wife stood by me and made excuses to herself why I was absent; I honestly didn’t go to many doctors appointments as I felt my role was to be a provider and that she would just understand that’s how life worked. I am a product of my environment thought honestly; my dad worked a lot of hours to provide for the family and also blew off steam with buddies while my mom tended to taking care of us for the most part so that’s how I thought marriages worked. Boy was I wrong. The big day came for son to be born and I was at work as usual and my dad had to take her to the hospital in his 1990 Ford Aerostar beater van we nicknamed the scoobyvan. I did meet them there though and stayed in the hospital through the entire 22+ hour labor and emergency c-section. However to this day my wife says I did something wrong by falling asleep in the chair next to her bed which could be very true. I could have been more I could have done more I could have been all I could be but I wasn’t into yet still. The date was February 12 2009 when my son was born and I will never forget seeing him for the first time as he came out to the world and peed on the nurse. My wife’s BP was dangerous and they feared she was losing too much blood so they rushed to clean her up and close the incision. We were in that hospital for about 3 days and we went home. I still remember the angst and anxiety that I had from taking him home. Still I was asleep at the wheel in my marriage and it wasn’t looking like I was going to wake up anytime soon.

At the time my wife was on FMLA from work and wasn’t making a ton so I was working a lot to try and make up for it. However I was neglecting my wife and newborn son in the midst of all this; while so worried about making money I lost sight of my family. I was absent for the first 6 months of my sons life even through the persistence of my wife I always found a way out of the responsibilities of parenting. I was emotionally detached from my wife and child as sad as it sounds; the one time I should have been the closest was the weakest point for me. Some will ask what it took to open my eyes. Well my wife and I shared a laptop and we both had our own digsby accounts but she left hers logged in with an IM opened to my friend Joe Joe (He friend first though) and I really did not like what I was seeing. They were having an extremely sexually charged conversation and were talking about acting upon these feelings. Further digging revealed that these had been going on since pre-April 2009. My wife denied it and the guy she was talking with ignored any ways for me to get a hold of him. My wife finally admitted that they had been having an emotional affair but insists that it never went past pictures to each other and that chat. It was time for the lease to be up so we were in the process of moving the last of our stuff out when her blackberry would not stop blowing up in the back of the car; feeling I needed to know I opened it to find her talking to her best friend (the one that quizzed Me) about how I thought it was only that one time and it never went further and she thought she was in the clear. So of course this just set me off like a firecracker in July. I flipped my lid on my wife for at least an hour and told her I would have to think about if I needed to leave or not. Eventually we got over it and I requested she never have contact with Joe Joe again; and I thought that was that. She paid me back and I understood it and was just going to chalk it up as my fault. It’s now January of 2010 and my grandpa is in failing health so I can’t leave the state so my wife decides to go to VA to visit friends. While she is gone I snoop once again to find they are back to talking the same way again; I said enough is enough and bought a key logger and put it on the laptop we shared. Little did I know this would be the worst mistake of my life as what I found out was more than I ever wanted to know. When she got home I never said anything and just went along like nothing was wrong. She used the PC all the time and it wasn’t long before I had found out a lot. My wife would make fun of me to Joe Joe and talk about how she couldn’t wait for him to hold her and once again they went sexually charged. I first asked her if she had talked to him lately and she swore on everything she had not; however I knew this was a lie and when presented with the evidence she broke and at that point I thought we were done forever. Once again we overcame it though and I thought we were on the right path. She told me I didn’t pay enough attention to her and my son and that she felt alone. I did a complete 180 and made my family the priority. She finally came clean and said that when we first started dating she had “hooked-up” with a guy and that her and Joe Joe had made out after the bar one night. We were able to overcome this though. Also as I dig further I find that she has been having talks with her ex-boyfriend Barry about Meeting him at his place in Virginia Beach and “hanging out”.

On May 13 2010 my grandfather died and I was shattered. From birth to now I had been my grandpa’s closest friend and family Member. We had done things like what a father and son would have done; since my dad worked a lot we struck that bond up. He bought me my first car, showed me how to drive, taught me how to shoot, how to cook animals to eat, and anything else you could think of. I had never seen myself living without my grandpa and thoughts of joining him in death when the time came had been across my mind a time or two. I had a family now and they made me strong and I never had even the inkling of acting on any of those thoughts I had years and years ago. After he passed we moved back to VA for a better life as life in KY just wasn’t what we wanted.

When we arrived in VA summer of 2010 we had moved everything we owned into storage and was staying with her mom and grandma. Well her mom and grandma sold the house so we moved again to another house where we had an entire floor to ourselves. The move was short lived as my wife argued with her mom and gma persistently and it literally drove me nuts. We rented a house down the road from them and life was getting really good. Our sex life was picking up as it had all but died while in KY, finances were much better; we were being what we always wanted to be. I thought all was happy in the world. Minor fights became bigger fights that went away when we saw each other so we chalked it up to just being married. My wife started asking to go out and have girl’s nights which were fine with me but she started to not come home after the girl’s nights. Bars close at 2am in VA and she would stroll in the door at like 5 am and try to play it off like she was asleep downstairs. When I confronted her she claimed she wasn’t happy with us and she was just hanging out at her friend’s house after the bar and kept drinking. I asked her about her drinking habits as this had become an every weekend ordeal that one night out of the weekend she would go out drinking and not come home which bothered Me but she didn’t seem to care. This went on for months and then one night we had a New Years Eve party. We were all extremely intoxicated with a lot of friends when one of the people started going off about my wife feeling up her boyfriend which I responded to with complete unbelief as this guy was old and didn’t look the type that my wife liked. I wrote this off as drama that these couples needed to keep their relationship young as they were really into being into drama all the time. We cut ties with these people and I still feel to this day that nothing happened there.

The base I was working at was BRAC’d so we were in search of a new place to go. I picked up a GS job working at Ft.Meade in MD which was something I had dreamed of for many many many years. We packed up and moved up to the area. We fell in love with and for once everything was going great or so I thought. We were doing things as a family and even our sex life had seen a rebirth to a pretty decent level. We would have sex at least 1 to 2 times a week which was a huge improvement over the past however far from the beginning of our sex life where it was at least once a day sometimes 2 or 3 times. We talked a lot about our future of doing 2 years here and then moving down to Florida to live out our life with fun in the sun. My wife had reconnected with her father and his side of the family after many years of no contact. We were doing awesome.

My best friends came up from VA to just get away as one of them was going through a nasty divorce and just needed a break. I had it all planned out. Friday night we go to bars in Baltimore, Saturday we cook my special wings I have had going for 3 days then off to a bar crawl and they would leave on Sunday. Friday night we went to Baltimore; my wife, my 2 best friends, my wife’s friend and I went to Baltimore live to have a good time. As usual my wife went to the bar to work guys for drinks which is good and bad honestly as the guy buying the drink isn’t buying it because money is burning itself away in his pocket; there are motives here for them. I drink profusely and see a man getting more fresh then I would like with my wife so I approach him and ask him “Would you like to die tonight?” and honestly I was ready to fight him on the spot. Because at the time I felt it was the only way to solve my flirtatious wife and this guy’s boundary. Kind of got asked to leave so we did; arriving home we all passed out. The next day we are all feeling the pain of the night prior and I am rethinking the parting like it was 1998 thing again. Needless to say that night we opt to stay in and play cards and such. However about 1 am I get tired and go to bed upstairs and leave my wife and 2 best friends downstairs to keep having fun. I wake up at 4:30 am with all the lights off on the second floor and no wife in bed with me. I step out and walk down the steps and hear odd sounds coming from my basement which is my son’s playroom and where we have the old living room couch setup. I walk down to find one of my best friends (the one going through the divorce) sitting there with his belt undone with his fly open. Next to him on the couch is my topless wife pretending that she was sleeping. I get mad and tell my wife to get to bed and tell my friend we would talk later. I get my wife to bed and she is just over drunk to know what is going on. I get more and more mad and I text my other best friend to ask him if he knew my wife was with my other friend in the basement topless. Next thing I know both my best friends are in the basement talking and I come down and just go off. My one friend feels like total crap and asks me to beat him up to make us both feel better but I decline. He claimed he didn’t know what happened and it was really wrong of them to be there like they were but he said nothing happened. My best friends both agreed that if it wouldn’t have been my best friend my wife would have went further than that and that I really needed to talk to her about it. Which I did the next day after they left and she said that she was blacked out and didn’t remember anything however days later in a conversation she admitted that she remembered kissing him but doesn’t know how much further it went. I asked my friend why his pants were undone and he said he had taken them off and lay down on the couch in the basement because it was the cooler part of the house and my wife just followed him down. To this day I still look to this person for advice and so does my wife so I am really sad that this action has put him between me and my wife.

The following week after the incident we headed to visit my family in Kentucky. While there I was informed by my best friend that my wife was telling him she was leaving Me when I got back to MD and that he was trying to not to give into her passes at him but it was getting tough to turn away. I asked my wife about this and she denied it; however it wasn’t until I was able to get her outside my parent’s house that she admitted that what my best friend was saying was true. We went inside to talk I private ; at that point I offered my wife a divorce and she said that is what she wanted; however as I went to walk out she asked Me to come lay down on the bed. She then proceeded to cuddle with me and say everything would be ok with several kisses exchanged. I thought we were on the road to recovery. Thursday morning I wrote her a heartfelt email that let all my feelings be known; I asked for a response and while she said would I have never seen it. That Friday we decide to go out to Phoenix Hill Tavern to hang out with my brother, sister and her boy friend for my sister’s 21st bday. No issues what so ever and honestly I felt it was coming back from the failed path it was headed down. We hung around my family and everything was good however she never put her phone down and it always felt like something was holding her back. She said everything was fine. Tuesday we went to my families tattoo shop where she got a half sleeve and we once again had a great day with words of kindness and physical support. We left to fly back to MD on Wednesday. When I return back home I have my mother and brother telling me that while we were in KY my wife had made sexual advances towards my brother and sisters boyfriend. I honestly doubt that this truly happened as we were together the entire time and I never saw it happen but then again I don’t WANT to believe it is true honestly.

Thursday and Friday was rough as my wife started to feel as if she had a void but didn’t know what the void was but was pretty sure she was not happy with me. We talked it over a lot and decided it was time for counseling and for me to devote myself to reading “Dr Gary Chapman – The 5 Languages of Love” as we were told over a year ago to do. I applied myself to the book and read it 2 times cover to cover and at least 4 times with the audio tape. When I spoke with her about the book she acted as if she had something better to do on her phone or on the back of her eyelids. But nevertheless I pushed on and asked her to read it. Seeing as she never responded to either of the letters I wrote her previously I was hoping she would at least read it and think about it. I really pushed for us to go over the book together but never really got anywhere with her. So I decided it was time to make myself more attractive to her as that was one of her biggest issues with me as I gained marriage weight. So I started eating right and exercising and lost 10 pounds quick and am actually still losing. This pumped us up a bit and I awoke that Saturday morning to my wife kissing me that proceeding onto sex which was something that really got my spirits up thinking we are doing good. However my wife went to visit her family in VA on Saturday followed by partying Saturday night at a local bar where she said the bar tender thought she was hot as he kept making her strong drinks and talking to her. This is not what a man that just lost all trust in your wife because of actions she had did while drinking not even 2 weeks ago. But I let it go as marriage is about compromise and you must pick your battles. That Saturday night we were being very flirty and frisky via text Messages and I felt some passion there. While doing homework Saturday night I searched her email address and found where she created a match.com account on the 22nd of May; which made me feel like nothing.

We talked about making Sunday a romantic night but after her drinking Saturday Night she was sleep before my son on Sunday and said she was too tired and that we could have sex in the morning. When morning came I was ready out of the shower but she turned me down once again and went back to sleep. This hurt but I figured that it was just part of it all. I went to work and we talked all day; I really felt we were getting somewhere as she said she did not want a divorce and wanted to work on us. But it feels like every 10 minutes she changes what she wants. She knows that she has no wants or desires in the world that I have no filled fully but she still says she is bored; but she loves Me but just isn’t happy with Me but she doesn’t really know for sure either way. Which hurts because I have honestly poured myself into this marriage for 3 years but ever few months I am met with her feeling unhappy about something and the talks of her leaving come up. Once again we talk about being intimate more often and want to start Monday night but when I wait up for her to get home she is once again to tired and says in the morning. Tuesday morning I wake up and ask her for intimate time and once again I am met with the answer of no and am brushed off for the pillow. We talk all day Tuesday about us and make some great headway but once again it is flip flop every 10 minutes and she refuses to actually be definite about things. Tuesday she still has not read the book or responded to any of my letters. She did however do and online quiz about love languages. I did find that our love language was as follows; My wife is (on a scale of 12) 9 physical touch, 8 words of affirmation, 7 quality time, 6 acts of service, and 0 receiving gifts. This kind of baffled me as I had been speaking the language “receiving gifts” because when I gave her something I was able to get the physical and emotional connection I needed from her. However my love languages read as; 11 physical touch, 9 words of affirmation, 7 quality time, 3 acts of service and 0 receiving gifts; Seems to match up pretty good so I thought that was a good sign. We talked about a lot of things and decided that it was best if we works on things and that maybe the feelings she has to do with more of her then Me and our relationship. Tuesday night comes and instead of coming in the bedroom she goes to the computer and sits there until 1am and then sleeps in the guest room. I understand she says she didn’t do it to hurt me but it hurts being turned down as a man by your wife day in and day out feeling like a puppy on a leash.

Tuesday afternoon my wife told me she fits the profile of a “Walk Away Wife” and after reading about it I have to agree. I cannot for the life of me get her to understand that the grass she thinks is greener is not as green as she thinks it is. I tell her it’s easier to point out what you don't have and want than to sit back and look at what you do have and can’t live without. She agrees but is still undecided on our marriage and leaves me in limbo. She says she knows I love her unconditionally and that I will do anything for her but she is missing something but doesn’t know what it is. I have asked numerous times what it is I am missing but have never got an actual answer out of her. I always get half of this or half of that; I am now to the point where I have told her that the ball is in her court and that she can do with it what she wants. After each day I get my hopes up but then they are crushed. I just wish she could see what she is doing to me but it just seems like she doesn’t care. She knows she has everything she could ever want but she claims there is something missing but doesn’t know what it is. I feel that what is missing is her devotion to us and her commitment to the marriage. Its hard feeling like the second string for your wife who you fight so hard to keep and have went through so much. I don’t get emotional or physical support and my wife is very aware of it but does nothing about it. I am not sure what is going on all I know it is hurts profusely.

I know she believes I have a keylogger on the computer but I learned my lesson the first time that some things you don’t want to know and I have never used that tool again and will not. To prove it to her I started a program to detect things as such to try and let her know I am not watching her. My wife says she wants counseling and wants to make this work but then the next minute I get nothing from her but indefinite questions without any answers. It’s like one minute she is into the marriage and the next she is not. It’s like she is chasing butterflies and wants to jump ship at anytime for someone she is more into. It kills me inside to think of my future without my wife but it’s becoming clearer each day that she is not into our plan anymore and is looking for outs.

I can only hope that things get better because right now we are on rock bottom and it feels like I am the only one trying to pull us to the top as my wife is absent in the relationship all together.

June 6th 2012

Last night we had a several hour conversation after school. She told me that she hasn’t felt like she has been married in over 3 years and that is why the infidelities haven’t stopped. She stated that when I left her alone in KY that she hit rock bottom and had to rebuild herself to be stronger without me and since then she hasn’t felt the same towards me. She feels that unless she can fix her she is going to continue to cheat on me over and over and doesn’t want to do that to me. We talked for about 5 hours and honestly didn’t really get anywhere that we weren’t already because once I feel we have a breakthrough she steps back and walks away mentally. She says it’s not me but it’s her so who knows. She is really starting to break my spirits this time and I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. She has gave up on us for 3 years and then tells Me it is too late; I just don’t get how Me trying to make it right for the past 3 years is too late seeing as we are only 29 years old and have been together for just over 7 years now. I decided last night was time for me to move into the spare room; she honestly had no qualms over it and gave no words to say she didn’t want this. So I moved my bathroom stuff to the spare bathroom, my clothes to the spare room, and other little things I need. I also told her that at this point and time it is best that we no longer kiss, hold hands, speak as if we are married, do each other’s laundry or anything that could be misconstrued as anything other than a monogamous roommate situation.

I sit in the bedroom in the recliner until my son goes to bed and then move myself over into the other room. I do not lay in the bed with her or get close to her as it honestly just hurts me more to do so and if this is the end I have to make myself emotionally ready. Last night was one of the most emotional nights of my life; woke up with nightmares again which I thought had gone away. However I am down to 228#’s from the 240#’s I was just over a week ago so I guess that’s something to be happy about.

Now I really feel like I have lost my wife for good. Everything I read online tells me to cut the ties because it is over; my friends tell me to cut the ties because it is over. My wife has even alluded to it being over but why can’t I get it? Why can’t I give up? Why can’t I quit my marriage if it is so horrible and I am somehow the only one that has been happy for the past 3 years.


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

You and your wife obviously have different needs. You have been happy doing your thing but your wife needed you. I don't know whether anyone on this forum is qualified enough to tell you to cut ties or not, but have you considered seeing a marriage counselor?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is there a Coles Notes version?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CJ83 (Jun 7, 2012)

Encore DT said:


> You and your wife obviously have different needs. You have been happy doing your thing but your wife needed you. I don't know whether anyone on this forum is qualified enough to tell you to cut ties or not, but have you considered seeing a marriage counselor?


We had saw one when we lived in VA the second time but we both got busy and it kept getting pushed back and rearranged until it fell off our calendar. I have asked for it to be an option now but all I get told is she needs to "do her" and then see where we stand. So I am giving her the space she has requested even though it is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I have moved to the spare room and have cut all physical and emotional connections as per her request.

Sorry about it being a long story but there is just so much I needed to say and get off my chest.


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## CJ83 (Jun 7, 2012)

A little update on what has been going on.

For a week or so we had found our groove once again and I felt we were on the right path the marital bliss. However she went to visit her mother in another state and came back in the same state she was before we found ourselves again. We started back down the road to find out groove once again and had found it once again. I had a counselor and therapist appointment the following Saturday so we made a plan that I would go to my friends house and have a mans night out Saturday and meet up Sunday and us have a date night just the two of us. 

The location where I was I had little to no cell phone reception so it honestly was a cut off type situation which worked great for the both of us it seemed. Sunday I drove the 2 hours to her mothers where I find her asleep at noon which is nothing extreme as she has always enjoyed to sleep. She wakes up and we decide to take our son to the beach as thats all he has been talking about. While at the beach we went ahead and got our hotel room that we would have our date night at. 

We played with our son at the beach for like 3 hours then took him back to her moms to watch him so we could have some alone time. We went to dinner and had some great seafood along with great conversation. After that we went to our hotel room to just be alone together. Later on we went to get ice cream at the ice cream shop on the beach and watched the boats sail in and out for a while. We had what i thought was a glorious visit and was really setting things in motion for a great future.

Monday we go to leave her moms to head back home when she asks if I would be mad if her and my son moved into her moms house and I just finish out our lease on our townhome and move back down to that area in 1 year (we signed a 2 year lease)...I was kinda shook by this and didn't know how to take it and before I knew it I had said "That would end us". She reassured me that it was not a separation but she just missed her family. Which I can understand as I have lived 700+ miles away from mine most of my adult life.

I ask her most of that day what is wrong but she continues to say nothing is wrong. Something just kept saying something was wrong and I just couldn't shut that little voice up.

Tuesday while I am back at work I was going to order my wife a new phone as she has been asking for months for the new RAZR MAXX and I finally found it for $99. As I go into my account to be sure that the recently canceled 2 lines had cleared before adding another. Thats where I saw that our usage had went through the roof; well me being the untrusting soul I have became I looked at her calls and texts and found texts to a certain number throughout the night Saturday. Then calls to yellow cab at 3am and subsequent calls to this same number at 3:30 and 3:45 and then nothing until 8:30 the next morning on the phone happened. To me this said something was up so I asked my wife about the number and she said it was her friends little sister which she said after much hounding on my part which was probably the dumbest thing I have done to date. After I got home I was going to get my son his IPOD which just happens to be tied to my wifes itunes account and thus has everything synced. Turns out this was not her friends little sisters number but a man that my wife had went to school with and I had met when he was trying to sell us cars. Of course me being me I blew my top and asked her what was up with this. She said she didnt tell me because she would know I would get mad just like I did. Eventually my wife told me that it was her friend who she was hanging out with that did the texts and calls to this person and she didnt want to "rat" them out. We had a horrible night Tuesday as we both went to bed angry after fighting for hours. 

The next morning (wednesday) I awoke to just not know WTF to think honestly. Did she cheat again? Is she telling the truth? Kinda in a state of limbo. We dont talk Wednesday morning like we usually do. A typical day we talk via text, gchat and email pretty much most of the day. Finally at noon I text her "are you ok" which she responded to with "yes" I said "well if you want to talk I am on gchat". She signed onto gchat and we started to talk. We avoid the conflict from the night before but finally come to the conclusion that she says "she cant do this and is emotionally exhausted". As usual I started to beg while and squeal to try and change her mind which after reading this site was the totally wrong thing to do.

At that point I feel was the first time my wife really 100% was on board with a divorce. I asked for a chance to show her I have changed and would not take her for granted again. She was not sure about the chance but she finally agreed to counseling. She sent the emails to find a counselor and after it was all said and done we found an appointment for next Tuesday. 

We are going this weekend to see her dads dad and step mom up North and we are going to put on our smiles to be sure everything looks right. I dont know what to do honestly as all I want to do is fall down and beg for her to give me the chance and to bring down this wall she has created.

She has feel into the "fog" and all I want to do is try and show her the way out of it. I try and be strong and just work on me but its so hard. I have lost 23#'s now total and have been logging about 6 miles a day. I have read the "A Plan", "180" and any other plan I can find online but in all honesty it is so hard because we have shared everything over the past 7 years. 

I am sure some minor details have been lost but I hit on the big things...

Do I just wait for our counseling session and pray that it helps? Is there anything I can do in the meantime to try and help this along? I have no patience and honestly like things done now instead of later but I am afraid that this may take the love of my life away from me.

I am trying to be friendly, loving and hold back the want and desire to just hold her close and never let her go. But I am only so strong and most of the time my emotions over run my cup and spill out all over the place.


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