# Dropped the bomb last night...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

And she knew it was coming, but we had a surprisingly mellow talk about it. 
The bomb was: She owes me a favor, and now she has to come to counselling with me to fix our sex frequency/nymphomania issues

She still reckons it's a waste of time, attempting to inflate my ego (it's old, like come on!) and denies any sexual abuse (I told her that I believe her - tiny little white lie  - and that it's not about her considering WE've always been fighting about this for years, so in the end it's for the both of us, not for sole benefit)

Ne ways... she agreed! But I knew it was a little too easy, something wasn't right; I don't often see her this particularly calm and cooperative during a potentially sensitive/flammable discussion (which we have fought over for years). This calm of hers... is usually the calm before a sh-tstorm. (and people wonder why I prefer her angry! she speaks her mind more!). We did not have sex.

This morning, no sex either. It's a bit of a break for me, but she's been noticeably distant even with her SMSs, I knew something was up and came back home to sort it out with her. She's not telling me what's wrong, but tells me that it isn't me. She's still coming to counselling, she's not saying anything about that, and knows it's for us. At the very least she's happy I came back home because I was worried about her - means something to her.

Thoughts?
I guess there's no promises counselling will help, might have to find the best possible one and who is experienced and specialised in hypersexuality, so this battle ain't over yet. 
Do you think she's unhappy because she's now forced to confront her demons? Or do you think she's just unhappy we're not having sex for the time being? She's giving me the impression as if she doesn't feel wanted or desired. She's not outright saying it however, just showing it.

What now? =/


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

No replies? It's almost like silent treatment at the moment since I dropped the bomb. The way she's shrugging me off now, though of course "lovingly"... pfffffft! At least I'm more straight forward (too straight forward and I had to change... bah!)

How come she always takes it like a rejection?! It's rather annoying


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> No replies? It's almost like silent treatment at the moment since I dropped the bomb. The way she's shrugging me off now, though of course "lovingly"... pfffffft! At least I'm more straight forward (too straight forward and I had to change... bah!)
> 
> How come she always takes it like a rejection?! It's rather annoying


Seems she's a bit hurt. Have you asked her why she takes it like a rejection?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Nope... got a feeling she might get defensive if I ask that. I'm playing it cautiously now because she's in "smile but not happy" mood, she can be quite intimidating like this actually, and I also don't want to poke her too much.

Do you think I still should?

I need her to talk to me about this but she's completely shut down yet being as nice as she can about it. We did not have a fight last night, and she agreed to it. It wasn't completely grudgingly...


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Nope... got a feeling she might get defensive if I ask that. I'm playing it cautiously now because she's in "smile but not happy" mood, she can be quite intimidating like this actually, and I also don't want to poke her too much.
> 
> Do you think I still should?
> 
> I need her to talk to me about this but she's completely shut down yet being as nice as she can about it. We did not have a fight last night, and she agreed to it. It wasn't completely grudgingly...


Yeah I think you should ask. There must be a good way to ask that question that would put her at ease to talk about it. ( ? ) 
I would leave that to you to come up with as you know her and I don't other than reading your posts about her. Perhaps others have suggestions ( ? )


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, since getting the feeling that she may be hurt I thought I'll show a bit of TLC but she wasn't really responsive. She did take my arm and rest on it for a bit but that's as responsive she has been since last night. She's shrugging me off really.

Well I can say something like "I hope you're not taking it as rejection"... nah fk that, that's still accusatory. Hmmm...
"I hope you're not feeling rejected"... nah then she'll easily deny... or... "I'm horny *flop it out and dance*" Crack her up, then ask her what's wrong... nah now that's just stupid.

I don't know!!! =/


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I haven't dealt with this kind of silent treatment from her sober before... I think I need a few beers


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

You sound confused about her reaction. Say so. 

In other words. I'm a bit confused, I'm feeling like your taking this as a rejection from me. Are you? 

Or something along those lines.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Hang in there RD...maybe she is digesting. 

It looks like your are going to make her take ownership of the abuse she gave you and her over the top expectations of you sexwise.

It probably scares her. 

Keep telling her you love her. Give her hugs and caresses. Stay connected and loving. 

Give this time to sink in... silence means it's still sinking in IMO


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

OK... well, she doesn't want to talk about it. Says it's something she's going through and she just wants her space, says she's not mad at me or anything and doesn't want me to think that at least.

Now I'm VERY curious but I guess I have to respect that - I'm asking her for space so I have to give her this as well. Looks like I've successfully got myself out of the sex crosshair for a while, but now I'm horny, sh-t! It always happens! 

I have a feeling right now -> she is simply lost and doesn't know what to think. You reckon it's possible?
I'm just trying to understand her

EDIT...



> Hang in there RD...maybe she is digesting.
> 
> It looks like your are going to make her take ownership of the abuse she gave you and her over the top expectations of you sexwise.
> 
> ...


Hmmm, guess so...

Alright, I'll try to be as loving as possible while giving her space. Think I'll cook dinner and serve it tonight, and maybe go for a drive and get her something. Maybe a handcuff, NOOO bad idea! I will one day though when she re-earns my trust on THAT department.

BTW -> So she's not putting a bomb together in return is she? =/


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Hope you're getting ready to play Dodge the Bullet 'cause you're the next contest. She not mad...they always say that when they're mad. Needs space......locking and loading.

There is no try, only do.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:rofl:

You know it mate lol


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Maybe she's feeling sad and wishes things were different. Wishes she were different, or that you were. Or maybe just your situation.

I think you should let her feel sad. Be as nice as you can, as nice as she'll let you be and wait it out. Hunker down a bit and trust things will get better.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Just keep being loving and caring... horny is ok. 
She 'might' even like it if your the one initiating for a change.
All of this must feel like a rejection for her on some level....

Even if you just hold and caress and be loving towards each other. Sex isn't necessary... might be good for her to feel love and tenderness without the sex really. Know that you love and want her with or without the crazy sex.

Goodluck. 

Your a mad pair but I don't doubt your love for each other for one moment.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Honestly?

I have always thought that she has perpetuated the incredibly-frequent-sex because she is insecure from you being unfaithful before you married.

I think your flirty indulgent ways with other women (in fun, as you always say) have instilled in her that the only way she has to keep your eyes and attention completely on her and to know you desire her is to keep this constant connection to you via 3x a day sex.

I think the massive mistake you are making here is considering that it is just HER problem. You have completely contributed to this and helped reinforce her feelings.

JMO.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes I thought that too, I also stopped the flirts completely, overcame my own fear of vulnerability, spent more time with her, initiated more often, I've done ALOT since sobering up. I wanted to help her heal last few months. 

There's no change, not even a hint. In fact, the problem just got worse, she regained her confidence to complain, and the cycle continued with her complaints in regards to our frequency (which she considers 'turning her down'), and when I'm not in the mood.

Sure it's not so bad compared to the past as she puts in more effort now to actually bother turning me on at all but it's also ammunition for her to use during her complaints when I turn her down or "leave her hanging" simply because I like to flirt and tease her all day as how I show my affection but not necessarily want to have sex (and I've told her that - so she doesn't end up expecting no more).

Or when I'm just not fking her the way she wants it. Of course not, I'm not always in the mood, I'm doing it FOR her, what the hell does she expect?

Unfortunately, it's not as simple as just insecurity =/
She's always been vague about her past as well, even though she told me quite a bit, this is something I respect what she tells me and don't ask anymore than what she's comfortable to share, to her it's a closed chapter but it's obvious that it still has its grip on her.

EDIT: Missed something


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I agree with Tobio.

And further to that earlier this year I read a thread where you were rather insistent that she change her look. 

The hypersexuality points towards her insecurity that you don't find her attractive - pretty strongly in my opinion.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It's ok honey, sure we can go to counseling. Anything you'd like. Now, why don't you just go to sleep..... <evil grin>


----------



## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

Maybe she is afraid that counseling will force her to talk about her past. Her past probably has a lot to do with her present attitude about sex. 
Maybe the frequent sex is not about sex, but it is trying to fill a hole or a void created by something in her past. It sounds like she can only believe you love her if you give her constant acknowledgement in the form of sex (instead of compliments). 
Now that you want to go to counseling for too much sex, she interprets this as you don't want to acknowledge your love for her anymore, or as much.


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

If she goes to counseling, she might have to talk about where this hypersexuality of hers comes from.

If she says that out loud, you might not love her anymore. Not that you really would, of course, but that's how it can feel.

In my armchair shrink opinion: your wife's sexuality borders on the pathological. The fact that it seems to be the ONLY way that she feels okay about herself makes me think that if she doesn't get that "fix", then she starts to feel sad, depressed....kind of like coming down from a drug. Couple that with seeing it as a validation of your love for her and she can't help but demand it. If she weren't self-medicating or compensating for something with her sexual behavior, then she would NEVER have been a pro. That's typically a profession of last resort, not a career aspiration.

The risk of vulnerability is probably overwhelming for her right now....


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well she's going to have to try harder than that for me to ever stop loving her. She has no really idea, and since making myself more vulnerable for her, more sensitive to her needs - I feel like I'm lining up my heart for the chopping block. I've made a lot of sacrifices, changed my flaws, stopped the booze... yet you're right.
She only feels loved with sex. Romance, TLC... all secondary. She claims it's her "love language"...

The sad thing is, looking back, I've noticed a vibe the very first time we made love. I didn't know what it was until so many years later - I still don't know but this is the most logical conclusion so far.

She seems to feel better today but still distant. We were back to back last night, not holding each other. No sex this morning either, and she's not coming for lunch. I wouldn't mind that but she's still shrugging me off and not being responsive to even a hug or kiss. I guess I can see this two ways so far...

1) She's fearing vulnerability/confronting her past, it's overwhelming her, and/or she doesn't feel loved.
2) She's withholding sex/affection playing the ST game, agreeing to go to counselling, and hoping that I would break before she would have to fix her issues that she's buried for so long

Maybe a bit of both... lol
Thanks for the advice folks, you've really helped me put things into perspective. I don't know what is truly going on in her mind but things are making sense.

I just hope we will be able to solve this. During all this I just can't get the first time we had sex out of my mind. It was just a gut feeling that "she's one of those", and it actually affected my game a bit, I tweaked it to be more affectionate/romantic/teasy/fun for her so she can learn to appreciate non-sexual passion. That was years ago and she seems to just take it as a prelude for sex and if there's no sex... she seems to lower her own self-worth.

I love her way more than what she can do in the bedroom. In fact, it's everything else that keeps me in love with her, not this! This drives me nuts!!!!


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ha. So she's cut you off to show you who's boss.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yup, she's got that in her. Some things never change heh
Now it's who breaks first... and I won't, I love her enough to be strong for her in this regard. If I break, she'll never change or confront her demons. Then we'll NEVER solve this issue.

I'm expressing my love without going too near her, which I got a feeling is p-ssing her off even more lol


----------



## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

This sounds like a classic control thing.
She doesn't want to go to therapy, and she doesn't think she really needs it, or she is afraid of it.
I think you can be right, or you can be happy. You are right that her sex drive is borderline abusive but she doesn't see it that way. Or you can be happy by getting her to therapy anyway you can.
You have to convince her to go to therapy because you need her to go for you. That way she is doing you a favor, (she is in control) instead of you forcing her to do it. 
Then you have to hope the therapist can get her to start talking about her past and break down some barriers to get to the root of the problem. Until she can admit to herself that her past is causing her to incorrectly equate sex to love (the harder the sex the deeper the love), she won't change.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, it's not forced, she agreed to it after I mentioned it's for us and not about her. She's still not happy with it, and she's becoming a bit of a worry. She's not gone out much since I dropped the bomb, only gone out for our daughter but she's been pretty much home-ridden otherwise. She's obviously very depressed yet she pushes me away when I want to make her feel better about all this - but no, I ain't changing my mind for ANY reason.

It really sux now because I'm fking horny as hell. It's getting warmer now here down under and she's well... wearing less. Its no fun! 
*sigh* Now I'm complaining I'm not getting any lol
I'm just waiting to catch her playing with herself but I think she knows that too and most probably times it when I'm away. She's also shooting down any advances before I can even say "honey", guess she doesn't want me to get her going either. And she has the perfect excuse - that I made her unhappy with the bomb.

She hasn't outright said it, nor will admit to the game, but that's just her. I think she knows that I know what she's doing, the game is on we're just not talking about it. I've found a highly recommended counsellor who is delighted to help us, so maybe next week will be more promising.

For now I guess I just have to hang in there...


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Sorry. I don't understand this thread. You are explaining it incorrectly. I'm reading it as though your wife enjoys sex with you and initiates it. That CAN'T be right. Wives don't enjoy sex with their husbands. Not in this country anyhow.

What is the issue here?


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If she has some kind of sex abuse/assault history it is a complicated and big thing. She probably doesn't understand much about it herself either. Therapy scares the crap out of her because thinking about the abuse/assault brings up all kinds of fears and shame. You need to get yourself educated on the process of her recovery, and she needs therapy with someone experienced and expert in abuse/assault.

Her view of sex may well be that it is what gets her approval from men. Your refusal is to her a deep rejection. Her biggest fear is abandonment, and you tickle that fear if she is not able to get to you with sex.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Update: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/56719-pleasant-surprise.html

Well, she didn't explode lol

@MrK

Well, we're not in America lol 

@Thor

My wife is cool with counselling now after a few days of giving her some time to think by herself. However the problem may be even more complicated then sexual abuse/assault because she has repeatedly denied it even now when we've agreed to work it out. And I can tell that she's not lying... maybe omitting however.

She's showing the symptons alright, and it's definitely how she seems to get her approval, she considers sex her "love language". Her reasons behind them are rather mysterious however, well... that and I don't really understand what she's saying.

We've been talking closely about this issue and she's opening up, however she believes she's mostly "cured" now since going to church (which I don't think so - it's just made her from a ex-escort to a loyal nympho, made her more respectable but doesn't deal with the issue)

When I asked about her past (threading softly), she claims that she just wanted to feel desired, cherished, accepted and appreciated (also she wanted to know her 'worth'). And when asked why it has to be sex to help her feel all that, she has no freakin' clue. When I asked her about her "worth" she admitted her mistake in the past and has overcome it (which I guess she has... halfway). I asked her if anything non-sexual I do even means anything to her, and she says that it does but still wants sex.

I just don't get it but I can't really do much. We've found a good counsellor however so hopefully things can be brought into light soon.
Instead of abuse it could even be a sex/love addiction combined with insecurity/ her childhood etc...


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks 

I'm working through it together with her, it's a team effort now (FINALLY! lol), and I've made it clear I'll always be here for her. And yes, it's not an instant fix, but I'm just so happy that we're not fighting about this anymore, I'd rather fight about something fresh, like me messing up the place lol

And yes it could have been a fitness test with her defensiveness. It seems I handled it quite well, the advice from TAM; not being an a$$hole yet at the same time being uncompromising with your N.U.T.S. has helped alot and now I'm starting to see how it actually does make sense.


----------

