# Here in hope of improving my marriage



## Essem

First off... my hubby is an AMAZING father and my best friend. I love him beyond measure and every other part of our marriage is fantastic. I'm reaching out here because talking to my hubby isn't going well and I don't think friends or family should be privy to the intimate details of my marriage. 

Our sex life is terrible. I hate saying that but it's true. I cannot recall the last time I had sex with my hubby. He doesn't even look at me! I **** you not, I bought new lingerie, sent the kids to my moms, had a really good date night, and then tried to seduce him and I may have well been a 400 pound hairy balding man with an open skin infection! My hubby is FAR more interested in porn and masturbating than sex with me. He denies watching porn but I'm not a fool. He goes into our bedroom, locks the door, comes out 20 minutes later, and then washes his hands. I don't know what I'm doing wrong because he won't talk to me. He says he has a low sex drive but then why does he masturbate so often? When we do have sex my hubby looks like he's having the worst time of his life. He's like a robot who is only present to make a tiny human or because I annoyed him enough. During foreplay he loses his erection several times and sometimes he can't finish at all. My hubby isn't a selfish man. He much prefers to please me rather than for me to please him. It feels good but it's almost clinical feeling. It's like going to a massage therapist; the experience feels amazing and is totally emotionless. Even kissing feels robotic and there is no passion. As a test I didn't initiate kissing and we went 3 months without before I couldn't handle it anymore. Meanwhile my hubby didn't even notice. He says that he is attracted to me but I don't feel like he is. I know that he loves me. I can feel his love but there is no passion. 

Outside of our sex life my hubby is SO damn sweet, caring and romantic. He plans out elaborate dates. He surprises me constantly. He leaves me cute, loving notes around the house, in my pockets and in my purse. He knows me better than I know myself. He always asks how my day was and genuinely cares. He is an amazing listener. I don't understand WHY once sex comes up it's like I asked him to lick a public toilet seat. 

I thought men were the ones who complained that their wives don't want to have sex. I didn't think I would ever be in this position. What do I do? What am I doing wrong? My self confidence is completely gone. My own husband doesn't want to have sex with me and when he does I can't please him. Is it me? Do I completely suck at sex and he's too nice to tell me that? I've tried being subtle. I've tried flat out telling him to come **** me. I've tried ripping his clothes off. Am I an ogre and haven't figured that out yet? I'm not a supermodel and havings 5 kids did a number on my body. Scratch that... carrying 9 pound twins to 41 weeks did a serious number on my body. I take care of myself though. I think I'm a decent looking and presentable human. I don't get it and I don't know how to fix it.


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## notmyjamie

Your story sounds very similar to mine except I was never aware of my husband using porn. Some men do get addicted to it. I'd want to know what kind of porn he's watching which will give you some insight into where his head is at. If he's watching your garden variety porn than his problem is just an addiction to the porn. If he's watching something super kinky then he's so into the kink that regular sex doesn't work for him anymore. If I had found any porn on my husband's computer I'm sure it would have been gay porn which tells you why he had no interest in me. I already knew what the problem was so I didn't bother looking for anything on his computer.

If it were me, I'd figure out the type of porn and take it from there. Does he watch it on his phone or computer?


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## jorgegene

I would venture to say that he knows he sucks at sex and has an inferiority complex.

Who wants to do something they know they're not good at?

He needs some guidance to become better at sex and a serious boost of confidence.

As a start, next time you make love, whenever he does something well, sincerely compliment him to boost his ego. Maybe you do that already, and if so, keep doing it and maybe just a bit more.

Perhaps you can also help him by letting him know the things you like but without wounding his Male ego. Help him along and boost his ego a bit


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## Affaircare

@Essem,

Before I jump to any conclusions, may I ask you a few relevant questions?

How old are you? How old is your hubby? How long have you been married? How long has this been occurring? As an example, what I want to know is has sex always been somewhat of an issue but it's getting worse now...OR it was good at the beginning but it's been going downhill for the last 5 years?

I do have some thoughts, but I think the answers to your questions may make a difference.


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## Spicy

Hey! Welcome to TAM.

Let me ask a few questions because I really want to reply on your post. 

How was the sex when you were first together/married?
If it was great at any point, did it change gradually or over time?

Do you have the passwords to his stuff? I would absolutely get on it and see what he has been watching and then have a planned out sit down discussion with him about how it is affecting you. I have a lot more to say on this, but I will wait to hear your replies. To reply to a poster directly you would hit reply on my post, that way I see you wrote back to me in my notifications. If you answer multiple people, the only way we know is if we come back to your thread or if you mention us which is by using the @ sign and the posters name “@Essem”. 

We can give you a lot of help here!


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## Essem

notmyjamie said:


> Your story sounds very similar to mine except I was never aware of my husband using porn. Some men do get addicted to it. I'd want to know what kind of porn he's watching which will give you some insight into where his head is at. If he's watching your garden variety porn than his problem is just an addiction to the porn. If he's watching something super kinky then he's so into the kink that regular sex doesn't work for him anymore. If I had found any porn on my husband's computer I'm sure it would have been gay porn which tells you why he had no interest in me. I already knew what the problem was so I didn't bother looking for anything on his computer.
> 
> If it were me, I'd figure out the type of porn and take it from there. Does he watch it on his phone or computer?


I hadn't considered the type of porn he watches to be a factor. I have asked him what his fantasies are but he says he doesn't have any. When he has admitted to porn use he said it was whatever was on the front page. Which seems to be what's trending. I know it's wrong but I have checked his internet history before. He clears his history often and I didn't find any porn. I think he uses his phone but it's possible that he also uses his computer when I'm not home. Our home office has glass doors. 

He finishes a lot faster with porn. I've timed it to 15-20 minutes. Sex is much longer. There is no such thing as a quickie with him, and lack of time is often his excuse. Is that something that happens with a porn addiction?


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## Essem

jorgegene said:


> I would venture to say that he knows he sucks at sex and has an inferiority complex.
> 
> Who wants to do something they know they're not good at?
> 
> He needs some guidance to become better at sex and a serious boost of confidence.
> 
> As a start, next time you make love, whenever he does something well, sincerely compliment him to boost his ego. Maybe you do that already, and if so, keep doing it and maybe just a bit more.
> 
> Perhaps you can also help him by letting him know the things you like but without wounding his Male ego. Help him along and boost his ego a bit


Our sex life is bad but my hubby isn't bad at sex. He takes direction well and it feels good. The lack of emotion and lack of frequency are killers. I could praise him more though. I tell him when it feels good, is there something else I should be telling him?


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## Essem

Affaircare said:


> @Essem,
> 
> Before I jump to any conclusions, may I ask you a few relevant questions?
> 
> How old are you? How old is your hubby? How long have you been married? How long has this been occurring? As an example, what I want to know is has sex always been somewhat of an issue but it's getting worse now...OR it was good at the beginning but it's been going downhill for the last 5 years?
> 
> I do have some thoughts, but I think the answers to your questions may make a difference.


I'm almost 37. My hubby is 43. We have been married for 14 years; together for 18. 

So we waited to have sex until we were married (not religious but raised religious). Our sex life hasn't changed much. My hubby will do things for me, but he doesn't enjoy it so it's hard for me to enjoy it when I feel revolting. Our sex life has never been what I would call good. He has always been emotionless and robotic about it. The only time we have frequency is when we were TTC. He refused to do anything beyond kissing while I was pregnant. He seems to think sex is pointless now that we are done having babies.


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## Essem

Spicy said:


> Hey! Welcome to TAM.
> 
> Let me ask a few questions because I really want to reply on your post.
> 
> How was the sex when you were first together/married?
> If it was great at any point, did it change gradually or over time?
> 
> Do you have the passwords to his stuff? I would absolutely get on it and see what he has been watching and then have a planned out sit down discussion with him about how it is affecting you. I have a lot more to say on this, but I will wait to hear your replies. To reply to a poster directly you would hit reply on my post, that way I see you wrote back to me in my notifications. If you answer multiple people, the only way we know is if we come back to your thread or if you mention us which is by using the @ sign and the posters name “@Essem”.
> 
> We can give you a lot of help here!


Our sex life hasn't changed much from what it is now. We waited to have sex until we were married. We're not religious but we were both raised Catholic/Christian. We didn't have sex on our wedding night...  My hubby would do things for me fairly often, but he isn't into it. He does it for me but it's like a duty that he gets no pleasure or enjoyment from. He downright refused to do anything during my pregnancies. The only time we have had frequency is when we were TTC. During those times we had sex every other day. We had fertility issues getting our twins and for two years had a frequent sex life trying to get pregnant. Now that we are done having babies he has no reason to have sex with me. Our sex life has never been what I would call good. 

I have his passwords for everything. I feel awful about it but I have looked at his internet history before. He clears it regularly so there isn't anything to see. Is there another way to see what he has been watching?


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## notmyjamie

Essem said:


> I'm almost 37. My hubby is 43. We have been married for 14 years; together for 18.
> 
> So we waited to have sex until we were married (not religious but raised religious). Our sex life hasn't changed much. My hubby will do things for me, but he doesn't enjoy it so it's hard for me to enjoy it when I feel revolting. Our sex life has never been what I would call good. He has always been emotionless and robotic about it. The only time we have frequency is when we were TTC. He refused to do anything beyond kissing while I was pregnant. He seems to think sex is pointless now that we are done having babies.



I see a bunch of red flags here. Making you feel revolting during sex is a huge one. No woman should EVER feel revolting while making love with her husband. (or vice versa) by the end of my marriage, that's how I felt. The fact that you didn't have sex prior to marriage even though the two of you aren't really religious. You don't say if that were your choice or something he pushed for but if he pushed for it, that could be concerning. The always being emotionless and robotic is a big one for me. My husband became that way as he had to concentrate more and more during sex to be able to finish. Using pregnancy as an excuse to take a break from sex. In another post you mentioned he loses his erection a lot. My husband had this problem a lot as well. And thinking that sex is pointless now. My husband told me pretty much the same thing "we're in our 40's, it's time for sex to stop" You didn't mention what acts he finds revolting but I'd say if he is showing very little interest in certain areas of your body that's also a big red flag. Saying he has no fantasies is another thing my husband used to do all the time. Anytime I tried to introduce something new, he'd decline. I once sent him an email with a picture of 6 different sexual positions, all of which we'd never done, and told him to pick one and meet me at 9pm. He wrote back, "I like things the way they are" and that was one of the first nights he never came to bed. I haven't been with too many men, but I can say with absolute certainty that if I had sent that to either of my ex boyfriends they would have been all over me by 8pm if not sooner. 

My husband didn't have all these issues in the beginning, but over time they did develop. And I'm not saying your husband is gay, I'm just saying a lot of this sounds familiar enough to me that you need to do some investigating. 

There are a lot of guys out there who are whats called hetero-romantic but homosexual. Meaning they want a romance with a women and a marriage and a family with a woman. But sexually, they are attracted to men. So outside of the bedroom they seem very engaged and loving with their wife. It's only in the bedroom that things fall apart. My STBX was very romantic and loving with me up until I started questioning why our sex life sucked. Then he started to withdraw from me. I think he just lived in fear of me asking for sex so he pulled away completely. He would only come to bed long after he knew I was already asleep. He always said he was just a night owl. The very week I moved out he started going to bed by 9pm every night. When I finally said I wanted to end the marriage, he was devastated and now, over six months later still is not really facing it that we aren't a couple anymore.

I'd try very hard to figure out what kind of porn he's using and look for any other clues for suspicious online activity. I found my husband on a male for male hookup site. 

I wish I could say none of this sounded familiar but a lot of it does...but, if he is hiding a desire for very kinky sex a lot of this would apply as well. 

Good luck!!!


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## Mr.Married

I'm starting to think you need to tell us about HIS upbringing and any details of his youth. I say this because your issue was from the start ...... and no man really wants to wait until
marriage for sex..... much less not have it on his wedding night.

Tell us about his childhood and dare I say .... his mother.


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## wilson

I'm kind of the mindset that it doesn't matter what he's looking at or what his orientation is. The fact is that you don't have a satisfying sexual relationship with him. It may bring some satisfaction to know why, but the outcome may not be much different. For whatever reason he doesn't have desire for you. It is very unlikely that will change significantly even if you two work hard at it. What may happen is he becomes more attentive and more dutiful, but it's rare that desire will bloom. And your situation is made more complicated since it sounds like there wasn't that fiery passion typically found at the beginning of relationships. If you don't have that base things on, it's going to be very difficult to create it after all this time.

The typical outcome I would expect in a situation like this is that it would either end up in divorce or you would come to terms with just duty sex. Through work and counseling the duty sex might be a little more affectionate than it is now, but actual desire would probably never really improve.

I'm a little stunned that he does the bedroom thing with you in the house. That's a little hard to comprehend that he's not more discrete. I'm not sure if it's because he's brazen about it or addicted to it. 

My advice would be to start seriously looking into your options about divorce just so you can approach this from a firm position. Do you work? How old are your kids? What would be your financial situation if you divorced? This is mainly for you so you will be confident of the future. 

It rarely works to say "Have better sex with me or I'm getting a divorce." Instead, approach this more like "I know you love me, but my heart doesn't feel loved if I don't feel desired. I don't know if I can keep living like this." Tell him that his porn use hurts you since he seems so indifferent about sex with you. His reaction will be very important for how you proceed. If he is understanding and shows initiative to work on things, that's a good sign that things could work out. But if he's resistant and puts all the blame on you, you should probably start thinking of your exit strategy.


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## StillSearching

wilson said:


> The typical outcome I would expect in a situation like this is that it would either end up in divorce or *you would come to terms with just duty sex*. Through work and counseling the duty sex might be a little more affectionate than it is now, but actual desire would probably never really improve.


Well, that really doesn't work with men, there's that erection problem. 
Duty sex does not usually get a man hard.


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## wilson

StillSearching said:


> Well, that really doesn't work with men, there's that erection problem.
> Duty sex does not usually get a man hard.


It is possible for men to have duty sex. Men can get enjoyment just from the pleasurable feelings and don't need to have as much of an emotional connection. It would be more about using his wife essentially for masturbation rather than desiring her. He would be having some porn fantasy in his head and just using her body for the pleasurable sensations. 

In this situation that might not work for him since he has trouble maintaining an erection. But one reason for that is he might be so used to porn and masturbation that traditional foreplay and intercourse feels unfamiliar. Giving up porn and masturbation completely could help since then he would get more used to actual sex.


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## StillSearching

wilson said:


> It is possible for men to have duty sex. Men can get enjoyment just from the pleasurable feelings and don't need to have as much of an emotional connection. It would be more about using his wife essentially for masturbation rather than desiring her. He would be having some porn fantasy in his head and just using her body for the pleasurable sensations.
> 
> In this situation that might not work for him since he has trouble maintaining an erection. But one reason for that is he might be so used to porn and masturbation that traditional foreplay and intercourse feels unfamiliar. *Giving up porn and masturbation completely could help since then he would get more used to actual sex*.


Absolutely!
This I can agree with.


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## Yeswecan

Essem said:


> I hadn't considered the type of porn he watches to be a factor. I have asked him what his fantasies are but he says he doesn't have any. When he has admitted to porn use he said it was whatever was on the front page. Which seems to be what's trending. I know it's wrong but I have checked his internet history before. He clears his history often and I didn't find any porn. I think he uses his phone but it's possible that he also uses his computer when I'm not home. Our home office has glass doors.
> 
> He finishes a lot faster with porn. I've timed it to 15-20 minutes. Sex is much longer. There is no such thing as a quickie with him, and lack of time is often his excuse. Is that something that happens with a porn addiction?


Your H is addicted to porn. His sex drive is satiated with the use of porn.


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