# Getting Sex back after EA



## Rocky104 (Jul 27, 2013)

Hello everyone! I have a bit of a long story but I will try to condense it as much as possible. 

So, I have been married to my wife for 4 years now and been together 6 and we have a 2 year old. We always had a pretty good sex life and really good relationship and really still do have a good relationship except our sex life has fallen off. 

When we were dating and first got married we were so happy and we would just hang out lay on the couch together watching movies and have sex it was great. Both of us couldn't wait to be parents and after we got married we started working on that. So about 2 months after wedding we found out we were pregnant. Both of us were super excited and just couldn't contain it. 

About 2 weeks or so after finding out we were pregnant my wife started having sharp pains in her side. She couldn't tell but she just knew something was wrong and we decided to go to the ER. The doctors had discovered she had an ectopic pregnancy and we would have to have surgery to remove the embryo because it could kill both the baby and her. It was very devastating news but it got worse when the surgeon came out and told me that we would also not be able to have children naturally because of a condition my wife has with her tubes. My heart dropped because I was excited for children but also I had to go to the room to tell my wife and I knew she would be heart broken as well. 

After we got back it was a very dark time in our relationship. My wife was sad and angry. We knew we had the option of IVF but it was expensive and we were newly weds with not a lot of money. It started causing a lot of arguing when my wife was wanting to go to the ivf doctor and start the procedure and I would say we can't afford it right now. ( We had just bought a house and at that time there was a tax credit we could use in the spring for it so we were talking 6 months) So as I said I didn't want to wait but we had to it caused a lot of conflict. She would tell me we should end this and she would go find someone who could afford to do that and I could find someone who can have children. Looking back now I know she didn't mean it and she was just hurt but at the time I felt like it could happen. 

So as this kept going on for a while I started talking to 2 women online. One of them I knew the other I didn't It started out with them both innocent enough just chit chat and such but with the one I knew it escalated to talking about sexual things and such. The other woman I would talk to and she sent me a picture (not a sexually revealing one but just a picture of herself) but we never discussed things like sex or anything. During this time my wife had got her parents to loan us money by taking out a home equity loan and we would pay it all back when we got our tax return. Things were getting better at home but I would still talk to the woman I had previously known (BTW I have never had relations with this woman but knew her she dated a friend) because she would tell me how she wanted me and it just made me feel good. I knew it was wrong because I was obviously hiding it from my wife and knew she would be crushed if she found out. 

The woman then said we should meet up because she knew I wanted to and she wanted to and we just needed to do this to get it out of our systems. When she said this I stopped, and I told her there was no way I was going to do that because I am married and I couldn't do that. After that the sexual talking stopped but I did continue to talk to her some but not as much. Things also were improving a lot at home because we had started IVF and there was hope for a child. We found out we were pregnant at the end of January and things were good. 

That is when, for some reason I left my email open and my wife found the pic the one woman had sent me. She then questioned me and I tried to find ways out of it to get out of the situation but she knew there was more. My wife was absolutely crushed by this and at the time I tried to play it off like it wasn't a big deal. I was my own worst enemy for a long time I wouldn't give her all the truth, I would lie and she could tell I was lying. More than once she had moved out and said it is over. All of this was going on during a time that should have been our happiest but sometimes it was our worst. I had an emotional affair at a time my wife needed me the most. Regardless of what she said to me I should never have done any of that and should have been there for her. 

Now we got past it all. Many times I didn't think we would actually do it and I don't know if we were actually in the clear until about a year or so after she had found out. We have had rocky patches since but everything has gotten better with time except our sex life. It has been no where near the level it was before that. Not that we had sex all the time but a few times a week. I guess I look at it as before that all happened I never thought about sex because it wasn't an issue and it wasn't really during her pregnancy, probably because of hormones, but it hasn't come back. 

It has been driving me crazy, I feel like I don't act the same as I used to. I find myself being more needy and trying so hard to get her in the mood. I am probably even trying too hard and it is causing fights as well. I find myself getting defensive if she says any kind of criticism to me and I find myself thinking about only when is the next time we are going to have sex. It's not right and I don't want to be that way. Maybe I don't deserve to be upset because this was all my doing in the first place.But I have been trying to figure it all out for last couple years. Was it because of EA? Was it because we have a child now? Was it because we have busy schedules? Well just recently she said maybe it has something to do with when you had your EA because that is when it went down hill. 

My wife is a great person and I truly do love her more than anything. She is a great mother and I absolutely love spending time with her. It takes a pretty special person to forgive someone and move on after that and she is one of a kind and I am very lucky to be able to call her my wife. The only problem we have now is really our sex life and it is kind of big because it spills over into other parts of our relationship. So my question to everyone is, is there a way I can help get my wife completely passed the EA I had so we can get our relationship back to where it was? Or do I pay for my mistakes for the rest of our lives? I appreciate any help and again apologize for this long winded post. I just felt I needed to get all the details out for people to be able to answer.


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Your EA might have some to do with it but it but it could just as likely be the "new baby, new mom" tired and busy. Have you talked to your wife about how you feel? Have you sat down and said that your not satisfied and that you want to discuss it...want to know if she is satisfied with the things the way they are? Your EA is part of your past, so you do own your past but it doesn't mean the two of you can't heal and move on. Have you talked to her about it...has she healed and moved passed it...if you don't know than I would say you need to do some talking with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rocky104 (Jul 27, 2013)

Thank you Mineforever. We have had some discussions about it over the last few years and each time she wasn't sure what was wrong. Until just a couple days ago she hadn't mentioned the EA and then she said that it probably has had an effect on our love life.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your wife doesn't trust you and is closed off from you emotionally. Us women look for protectors and someone that has our back, and since you looked elsewhere when she needed you you've shown her that you don't have her back. Then on top of that you lied, trickle truthed, and blew it off, furthering the belief that you can't be trusted. Sounds like she would have left you if not for the baby. Please stop making this about your needs, you screwed that up. Be an open book for her and continue to demonstrate that you have her back and can be trusted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If she can't find her way back to you, then why do you stay? Out of guilt for your ea? Is this the punishment you feel you deserve? You have as much right to happyness as anyone else. Perhaps it's time to find it.


----------



## Rocky104 (Jul 27, 2013)

LanieB said:


> It probably is a mixture of everything, but I would say the EA would definitely be a factor. Once you kill the trust in a relationship, it is very difficult to get it back. I'm not sure of the time-period of your EA - was it a year ago? They say it takes 2-5 years to get past an affair, and that's if you are both really trying to rebuild your relationship. You have to find ways to prove to her that you can be trusted again.
> 
> I know from experience that when a spouse cheats (mine had an EA/PA), it can be difficult for the betrayed spouse to feel desire for this person. And there are many women who lose their sex-drive right after having a baby - at least temporarily. Do you have regular date nights? Do you do special things for her to SHOW her you really love her? This is true for all parents, but especially in your situation - you need to make sure your baby isn't the center of your universe. You must work on your marriage and not lose sight of each other just because you're new parents. Kids don't help marriages that are in trouble. Many times, having children will only exacerbate the problems in a marriage.
> 
> You should find a good marriage counselor, especially if you aren't communicating very well. If you both work at it, it's possible to build a stronger marriage and move past your EA.


Thank you for your response. The EA was about 3 years ago now. We really don't do a lot of date nights but do try to do some. I think a marriage counselor would be a good idea and may be what we do.


----------



## Rocky104 (Jul 27, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Your wife doesn't trust you and is closed off from you emotionally. Us women look for protectors and someone that has our back, and since you looked elsewhere when she needed you you've shown her that you don't have her back. Then on top of that you lied, trickle truthed, and blew it off, furthering the belief that you can't be trusted. Sounds like she would have left you if not for the baby. Please stop making this about your needs, you screwed that up. Be an open book for her and continue to demonstrate that you have her back and can be trusted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand what you are saying and I can see how it looks that way and in part I shouldn't make it about my needs. After we finally got the whole truth out I have been an open book for the last three years. You are right though her and I have talked about it and had it not been for being pregnant we may not have lasted. Like I said we have built back a lot of the relationship but this is the only part that is still suffering. Maybe it will just take more time.


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

If it has been 3 yrs my guess she might be holding some resentment but most likely she would realize it if she was. I would say MC and some serious focus on communication and rekindling the romance ....bond between you. Life gets pretty busy with a little one and sometimes new mommies get a little over focused on kids and pulled in to many directions and lose focus on the hubby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Rocky104 said:


> I understand what you are saying and I can see how it looks that way and in part I shouldn't make it about my needs. After we finally got the whole truth out I have been an open book for the last three years. You are right though her and I have talked about it and had it not been for being pregnant we may not have lasted. Like I said we have built back a lot of the relationship but this is the only part that is still suffering. Maybe it will just take more time.



Maybe. Let me ask you this: is your wife generally a grudge holder? I ask because as a grudge holder myself I know that such people have a hard time getting past being wronged and tend to close part of themselves off. In your wife's case the closed off part is sex, she doesn't quite trust you enough for sex. This is something I really struggle with and if your wife is such a person she may not be able to get past it. Not everybody can; when someone wrongs me I never fully trust them again. For most relationships that's ok but clearly fore a marriage it can't work. Get into MC now, but if she can't move forward you both have a difficult decision to make.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

