# My plight



## zodi51 (Sep 21, 2009)

I’ve been lurking on this forum for a little while now searching for advice. I like what I’ve seen so far and hope I can get a little perspective and insight on my current situation. My wife and I are going on three years of marriage. I love my wife and want more than anything to have a long and successful marriage. Nevertheless, it hasn’t been easy. First off my wife suffers from post traumatic stress disorder, stemming from some events in her life prior to when we met. She was a victim of date rape by a previous boyfriend, a real POS. They had ended things but worked for the same company so they saw each other on occasion. One of these occasions happened to be at a party and needless to say he raped her while she was intoxicated and against her protests. As a result she battles chronic depression and anxiety. None of these issues where present while we dated or in the first months of our marriage. Sadly around our six month mark the first signs began to appear. Her counselor believes the PTSD manifested because of our marriage and the corresponding intimacy. Unbeknownst to me she found her own way to cope, bulimia, something she has battled with since she was a teenager. They always say that it will get worse before it gets better with counseling and things got pretty bleak there but just as she was begging to pull it around, we were hit with another blow.

We got into a car accident. My wife had a pre-existing back injury and the wreck only made it worse. She was prescribed painkillers but they didn’t seem to help much. Thus began our year long search for diagnosis and a cure for her pain. Along the way she became addicted to the pain meds and slipped deeper into depression. Even though it was a long and ugly process we were finally able to get her off the meds. Once we did she enrolled in school, since she could no longer work as a waitress. Well after two semesters and a couple thousand dollars in tuition she dropped out due to poor grades. We went back to square one trying to figure something else out when another bombshell dropped. She was diagnosed with tachycardia. Basically its when you heart beats fast and erratic, and can be potentially lethal. She was put on some meds that have really wreaked havoc on her body, she has gained close to 70lbs in a little under a year. Now for the kicker after a year and a half of negative test after negative test the doctors believe she suffer from fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia is a medically unexplained syndrome where people experience chronic pain without a known cause. In many cases it is also linked to people with psychiatric disorders like PTSD, depression, and the like. A lot of doctors believe it is symptom of the mind where to brain manifests emotional pain physically. Our doctor also believes that the chronic pain has caused the tachycardia. There is no cure for fibromyalgia and most people learn to cope with it. 

With all this said I’m at my wits end and exhausted. Pretty much since day one I have had to shoulder the load of our marriage. I only get glimpses of that vibrant and happy young girl that I married. She has been replaced by a depressed and sad individual. I come home from 10 to 12 hrs of fulltime work and college to my wife asleep on the couch in a dark and dirty home. I do my best to balance my roles as a husband, employee, and student, but it seems she needs me more and more each day while the others suffer. She will always be my first priority but at what cost? When do I cross the line from loving husband to enabler? I quite literally do everything, grocery shopping, cooking, and paying the bills. But I don’t complain because I love her. I made a commitment and I plan on following through with it. Thoughts?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Is she still in counseling?

Don't they think that she could have very real pain from her very real accident? It isn't that I don't believe in fibromyalgia, but for goodness sake, she's had real physical trauma. 

Also, can they look at a pacemaker perhaps instead of meds? Are there alternative meds for her heart? (Competing companies?) 

Did she fail out of school because of depression? What has been done in that area? Any antidepressants?

I don't know the answer to your question. I do know that it must be very difficult for you. There's another guy here who is going through something similar so perhaps you can support one another. 

What do you do for yourself? Do you make sure you eat well and get exercise and find some time for fun and hobbies? I think that's the most important thing you can do for both of you. If nothing is filling you up, you'll eventually crash and burn. So you need to make yourself a priority.

Also, does she have any family to lean on? Can you hire a cleaning service? 

Is she willing to help you with anything? Does she go shopping with you and help you clean? It would seem to me that if she'd take on some of these jobs, it would be good for her. The latest thinking about mood is that talking isn't necessarily as helpful as becoming active.


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## zodi51 (Sep 21, 2009)

Thanks for the reply dobo. To answer you questions:

Yes she is still in counseling but the counselor she had worked with for over a year and a half switched to a clinic our insurance no longer covers. She's had to start all over with a new one and as anyone who has gone to counseling knows building a rapport can take awhile, especially when you can only see them twice a month.

There is no doubt that her pain has some physical root, the problem is that no medical test, X-ray, MRI, etc. can find it. Initially they treated it as a physical injury but they simply can not find any damage. The accident we were involved in was minor according to the so called experts and not enough to cause significant damage. Her psychiatrist thinks there may be a link to when the pain started and her PTSD seeing as how she hit and killed a homeless women in a car accident. 

We have looked into a pacemaker (ICD) but our cardiologists suggest we consider it as a last resort. We have also switched to a medication she seems to be responding better to. 

She failed out of school because she's never been a good student. She barley graduated high school and seems that no matter how hard she studies she can't retain enough of the knowledge to pass her exams. So was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid and did well on Adderall but had to discontinue using it because of her heart. We are now trying Strattera seeing how its a non-stimulate and has the added benefit of being an effective bulimia treatment. 

As far as the depression, failing out of school and being let go from two jobs recently has just added to it. Currently she is on Prozac and she seems to react best to that. Previously we have tried Zoloft, Exiffor, and Paxil. 

As far as my hobbies its hard to find the time between work and school. The few spare hours I have are spent with her. When we first met we both were extremely active, I was wrestling and going to school, while she was a personal trainer and martial arts instructor. However, because of her health we haven't been able to enjoy the things we once did. 

She is willing to help but takes no initiative. If I don't continually remind her to get things done at the house she forgets. In addition some activities such as cleaning are hard on her physically. The last time she cleaned the tub she was bed ridden with pain for three days. I agree that her being active or better yet proactive, would do nothing but help. Unfortunately, she just can’t seem to gain any traction. She’ll be chugging along fine and then crash and burn. Its happened so often lately she is having a difficult time finding the inner motivation to jump back on the horse. 

As far as family goes, her parents live here in town. But that just another can of worms I don't want to get into. Lets just say even though they mean well they can be more of a problem than a help.

I'm not really sure I have a question. I'm just looking for ideas and insight from anyone that has been in a similar situation.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wow. you have been through a lot! 

i know you love her, but you need to take care of you. you cannot fix her, you cannot try and take care of her anymore. im sure she thinks you should, and you probably think you should, too, but she will not get better if you keep doing everything for her. 

so- its time to find you again. what do you love doing? what are your hobbies? what do you do for fun? you need to start focusing on making yourself happy again. if she wants to take care of herself, she can. if she wants to stay depressed, that's her choice. she does have a choice.


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