# husband doesn't want sex and only masturbates??



## manapearls (Aug 11, 2016)

ok... to begin... let me say what happens ...
and then ill make a list of all the ways I've tried to fix this

He doesn't hide masturbation, because I said it's okay to masturbate every now and then and I don't care... (he thought women would stop him from doing it)
so every single time, i will ask him if he wants to have sex, and he will say no... and then within 30 minutes he will be jerking off to some porn amateur porn (and sometimes Japanese cartoons)

it is frustrating as ****, so ive taken a good look at myself to see if I am the issue... 
I have gained weight! yes! ... but I used to be underweight as I was very poor
now I am of a healthy weight and he still likes to grab my ass every now and then because it looks neat
so I am not ugly or disgusting to him
I know i still look good
for ffs sake I am 22 and healthy (he is 25, married for 2 years)
(also please don't bring up that we got married too soon, it was indeed soon but the relation is good, it's just the sex... and there were personal reasons why we rushed it, were happy never the less but i don't want this to become an issue later on, which is why i am talking about it now.)


so... to get him to have some sexytime for me... I have tried:
*((( WARNING TMI AND NSFW RIGHT HERE )))*
-acting more like the girls in his porn (failed)
-sitting on him grinding and then trying to get his pants off (he said "not now")
-waking him up with a BJ (failed) (and one time he didn't even wake so i just felt really weird)
-setting it up in such a way that it seems like he is initiating it by just walking around in sexy underwear all day (failed)
-pretending that he busted me touching myself, in a realistic way ofc, not like in porns (failed)
-dressing up like the girls in his porn (failed)
-offered him my ass again (failed)
-telling him id like to do any of his fetishes if he just told me (failed) (says he doesn't have any or that he doesn't know)
-CASUALLY ASKING (failed)
-forcefully asking (im not a rapist tho so... he said no and back i backed off)
-offering to help out with a hand job when he jerks off which he does 2 to 5 times a day (failed)

I asked him how he lost his first time:
- in high school, in a bathroom stall with a girl he didn't know

i asked this because he hasn't managed to give me an orgasm for 1 year and 6 months.
he took my virginity, so at that time i was very sensitive and it was easy to orgasm
now he doesn't know how to make me
I have told him what he could do many times but he just
doesn't do it

at this point i would be happy with a quicky, i just want him to want me again
instead of just constantly jerking off

i don't know how to fix this, is it my fault? 
is he just not attracted enough to me any more?

PS: yes... i tried talking about it with him, he doesn't know why he acts like that and he does not see the issue either (I literally asked "don't you see why I am kind of upset?" and he said "no")

in his life he considers sex as just that, sex, he doesn't think a relation should be based on sex. I agree but ... that doesn't mean sex has to stop... I am not old ... rather young compared to some people, so my sexual needs are still rather high and toy's aren't as good as the real thing.

EDIT: we still do have sex like... every once a 2 months, its rather boring sex, he humps me, switch pose, i ride him a bit.. he just stares... he can't finish, jerks off, finishes then.

EDIT 2: he is not the type to go to counseling, once again... because he doesn't see the issue. he has admitted to having a few mental problems in the past ... I mean, he is a retired soldier, who wouldn't have those at some point? but never the less ... he won't go and get help. i know his stance of psychologist like people... he very much so hates them...


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Most likely porn addiction, and has nothing to do with you, personally. He needs help.

2 to 5 times a day is a lot, even for a 22 year old. At that age, I was doing it about that many times a week, but I didn't have the kind of access to porn people do now. And when somebody does something that many times, it usually means they can't help themselves.

He absolutely has an addiction, and he absolutely needs to get help for it. Whether he's ready for that or not is up to him. In the meantime, there's really nothing you can do about it.

Not allowing you to finish him off when you catch him, though, that strikes me as kind of odd. Maybe somebody else can chime in about that one. The rest is pretty normal when dealing with a porn addiction.


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## manapearls (Aug 11, 2016)

i have mentioned that to him but he doesn't see porn addiction as anything bad...
and he also says he isn't addicted to it.

maybe I am just not good at jerking guys off? sounds funny to say it like that
but...
I have no idea
there was a singular time where he did allow me (out of the many other attempts) but he couldn't finish when I did it and after a long time he did it himself before it went floppy again.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

its an addiction simple as that. 2-5 times /day takes edge of the hormones in his brain, and that will affect behaviour. it is also likely this a coping mechanism for other issues in his life, so counselling would be good.


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## manapearls (Aug 11, 2016)

I know for sure he won't go to counseling, he doesn't see the issue and also has a passionate hate for any type of psychologist/counselor type of person ...
it rather childish of him to not bother to get help but... just so i can chill it down.. you sure there is no way i can help?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Yes he has an addiction just like an alcoholic. He won't get help. He doesnt see the problem. Just like an alcoholic. You cannot force him to change. Either accept the situation, suffer through it or divorce him. 

Good god, you are only 22. You are relatively young compared to Everyone. Don't be the bitter person posting here 10 years from now about your dead marriage.

For most guys, we only dream about having a wife as good as you.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

If he won't go to counseling and it's obviously a problem, really, all you can do is find out where you stand.

"Either you go to counseling (with me supporting you) or I walk."

Then follow through either way.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

You two need to get to a sex therapist pronto.

He says he will not go.????

You might tell him to read these forums because when you get frustrated enough, and if you are writing this to strangers here you are at that point, he is not going to be a happy camper when you start offering yourself to other men who will gladly take you up on the offers.

looking at your list of what you have done, I do not see how anyone can give you anything but an "A" for effort. Many women would not be as open minded or understanding as you.

At his age, being married only two years, eh should be chasing you around the house if you are doing what you say.

i hope you can get help for him and that he starts using his brain and acknowledging that he has a problem/


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

This is a common problem among porn addicts. Your husband is unable to orgasm without 2 dimensional sexual stimuli. While he is having sex with you he needs to re-play his porn in his mind to maintain erection.

His sexual performance with a live partner will not improve unless he cuts himself off from 2 dimensional sex objects.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

manapearls said:


> EDIT: we still do have sex like... every once a 2 months, its rather boring sex, he humps me, switch pose, i ride him a bit.. he just stares... he can't finish, jerks off, finishes then.


It to bad they don't have "lemon laws" for marriage like they do automobiles. You've picked yourself a real winner there milady and unfortunately its not likely to change. 
As a practical matter, unless you want to continue to live with a man that prefer widow thumb and her four daughters over the real thing, or find a surrogate husband, you need to ditch this joker and cut your losses. Hey, as long as he don't break his arms and still has internet connections, he won't be lonely when youre gone.


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## bilbag (Aug 3, 2016)

Maybe take it slow at first. He is not quite ready for sex just yet. How about other forms of intimacy like holding hands on the park. Lower the bar so he doesn't feel defeated about not getting you to orgasm all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

alexm said:


> Most likely porn addiction, and has nothing to do with you, personally. He needs help.
> 
> 2 to 5 times a day is a lot, even for a 22 year old. At that age, I was doing it about that many times a week, but I didn't have the kind of access to porn people do now. And when somebody does something that many times, it usually means they can't help themselves.
> 
> ...


This and I would add he is probably sees sex as something shameful and is having a hard time exposing his sexuality with you. Is he from a religious background OP?

It can be fixed but he has to want to fix it. OP you need to hit this head with real consequences.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> It to bad they don't have "lemon laws" for marriage like they do automobiles. You've picked yourself a real winner there milady and unfortunately its not likely to change.
> As a practical matter, unless you want to continue to live with a man that prefer widow thumb and her four daughters over the real thing, or find a surrogate husband, you need to ditch this joker and cut your losses. Hey, as long as he don't break his arms and still has internet connections, he won't be lonely when youre gone.


They do it's called annulment.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You are married to a guy with trauma who doesn't want to help himself. Cut your losses now, get out! Don't waste your prime years with this loser. Many of us, including me, have been there. Get out now.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

sokillme said:


> They do it's called annulment.


Good point.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Give him the choice: Counseling or divorce.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Life's way too short to be spending the best years of your life with someone who doesn't want to f*ck you.

There are literally 3.49B other guys who would take over for your husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

manapearls said:


> i have mentioned that to him but he doesn't see porn addiction as anything bad...
> and he also says he isn't addicted to it.


So you just dismiss it like that? He clearly has a porn addiction to the point that he does not really want sex with a live woman. Does he really have to agree for it to be true? come on...

What you tell him about porn addiction is that it's not a problem if he's a single guy. It is a problem if he is married. Marriage is a sexual relationship. In marriage there is only one person who you are supposed to have sex with, him. If he will not have sex with you and please you, then he's depriving you of a normal sex life. 

He is putting all of his sexual energy into things other than you and his marriage.



manapearls said:


> maybe I am just not good at jerking guys off? sounds funny to say it like that
> but...
> I have no idea
> there was a singular time where he did allow me (out of the many other attempts) but he couldn't finish when I did it and after a long time he did it himself before it went floppy again.


Not it's not your fault. It's not because you are not good at it. It's because he has a porn addiction. Porn and masturbation are a lot easier than sex with a live woman. So he's choosing to be lazy and have sex with a video screen. He does not have to put energy into pleasing the women on the video screen. It's easy for him. He's lazy.

And he gets a lot of feel good brain chemicals going as often as he wants using porn. He could not do that with you because you are most likely not going to be available for sex all day long at demand. You are human after all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

manapearls said:


> I know for sure he won't go to counseling, he doesn't see the issue and also has a passionate hate for any type of psychologist/counselor type of person ...
> it rather childish of him to not bother to get help but... just so i can chill it down.. you sure there is no way i can help?


The way you help him and your marriage is that you tell him that this is unacceptable. 

Either he gets into counseling with a sex therapist, gives up the porn and masturbation 100%, or you are divorcing him. 

while porn and masturbation might be ok for some guys, it's not for your husband because it's his drug of choice.

Here is a site for you to read.

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The way I see it, if he honestly wants to keep this marriage together, he has absolutely no choice about either seeking out sexual therapy, marriage or individual counseling!

That being said, you need to issue a stern ultimatum to the effect that he either agrees to seek treatment for himself or you seek the help of a good family attorney to help to extricate you from this sham of a marriage! You deserve far, far better out of life!

Best of luck to you!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sokillme said:


> They do it's called annulment.


It's highly unlikely that she could get an annulment for this.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> It's highly unlikely that she could get an annulment for this.


*There is usually a very short statute of limitations on being able to procure an annulment as opposed to the traditional divorce, and those do vary from state to state! That is something that you'll have to query legal counsel about!

In any event, this "spousal treatment" you're receiving is far from what a traditional marriage is all about!

If he loves "self-satisfaction" so much, then he should have chosen to remain single! He needs to fastly realize that "marital sex" has been and was always meant to be lovingly and unselfishly shared with your partner!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

22 and no kids? Exit stage left.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

manapearls said:


> maybe I am just not good at jerking guys off? sounds funny to say it like that
> but...
> I have no idea
> there was a singular time where he did allow me (out of the many other attempts) but he couldn't finish when I did it and after a long time he did it himself before it went floppy again.


There's no such thing as being bad at that, just saying.

He didn't finish because it did nothing for him. He needed his porn, on his own, and that's that. You disrupted his usual time alone, and it threw everything out the window.

Please keep in mind - this has NOTHING to do with you. You need to know that, believe that, and repeat that to yourself. This is 100% HIM. He's not rejecting you, the person, or your body. It has NOTHING to do with your skills, your attractiveness, your sexuality - none of that.

What he IS rejecting is reality.

Really the only thing I can recommend trying is to basically force yourself upon him each and every time you catch him doing this. It may not feel natural, and it may not result in him finishing. But if you make a habit of trying this, perhaps he will inch ever closer each time until it works. Take your clothes off quietly, walk in, turn off the monitor (or take away the phone or tablet or whatever) and go down on him or get on top of him. Do the work. Preferably eagerly and loudly. Fake it if you have to. Close your eyes, throw your head back and go to town.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

alexm said:


> There's no such thing as being bad at that, just saying.


Well if she was poking him in his eye at the same time. :grin2:


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

manapearls said:


> i have mentioned that to him but he doesn't see porn addiction as anything bad...
> and he also says he isn't addicted to it.
> 
> maybe I am just not good at jerking guys off? sounds funny to say it like that
> ...


Well it is bad. It's bad in multiple ways. I won't even get into the social problems, health, and productivity issues with it. I'll just say that if he doesn't stop, he's going to develop full-on erectile dysfunction (if he's not there already.) PIED = Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction. I know it's a controversial thing and some people say it's BS, but go to yourbrainonporn.com and yourbrainrebalanced.com and read the science (and logic) to it and plights of men going through breaking porn addiction and hoping their sexual function will come back some day because they did porn masturbation so much they can no get hard with a woman as much as they wish they could.

If he sticks with it, he won't be able to have sex with any woman. But it sounds like you're not getting any anyway. One way or another, you're going to have a lot of tears if you don't cut him loose or fix this now.

Two ways to address this:
Tough love:
Give him an ultimatum. No masturbation and sex with you only or tell him he has to go. If you really want to strike at him, tell him to have sex with you or you'll go have an affair with someone who does. It's pretty messed up may induce a fight and make things worse, but maybe it'll bring him to the conversation. I say you figure out what's appropriate.

The other way to be supportive, but this requires him to be on board:
Tell him he has a dangerous porn addiction, that it needs to stop. If he masturbates it can not be to porn. You don't care about the porn, but masturbating to porn is damaging to him.
1) Force him to read yourbrainonporn.com and tell him to read yourbrainrebalanced.com 
2) Tell him he has to stop porn masturbation completely. Masturbation without is OK once in a while only if you're not available but he should avoid it.
3) Tell him you'll be supportive. Tell him that he has to have sex with you instead whenever he desires to do porn and masturbation. Initially he may need it a lot if he goes through withdrawals. Be available for BJs and quickies to work him off. He shouldn't need high frequency for long.
4) He will still lie and sneak in porn once in a while. He'll at the very least relapse and do it. Be supportive and encourage him to stop. Don't get too pissed off that he did it because he will, rather work with him to rectify it. He has developed fetishes that are frankly just too tempting. The longer he goes without indulging, the less he'll desire them.
5) Ask him what you can do to be more sexually appealing or dirty talking. Ask him if you can do things (that you're comfortable doing.) Maybe that's role play or indulging in fetishes. Whatever you can do to make it more exciting might help.
6) If you can install a porn blocker on your router, do it. Make him work around it.

Honestly, I just don't get it. I would never in a million years choose porn over a woman, even an out of shape one. I got into it a bit because my wife just didn't want sex that much as she went through a phase. I chose to stop and work on getting her to have more sex with me and that is always preferable. He has a wife asking him to have sex, I just don't get why he'd choose not to. He should be grateful. If the sex isn't great, then work on improving it with him.

But if he's an ass and just refuses all of this, then give an ultimatum. Don't stick with this guy if he won't work with you. Life is too short.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JamesTKirk said:


> Honestly, I just don't get it. I would never in a million years choose porn over a woman, even an out of shape one.


Honestly I think for a lot of these guys it is because of misguided fear and shame. This is why I asked her if he comes from a religious background. I think somewhere done the line he got it in his head that sex it dirty and shameful and needs to be done behind closed doors. (It's not like the so called "pious" people have ever pushed that narrative). Better to keep "dirty" part of himself behind closed doors. 

He may associate his lust with sin so he may have a hard time exposing it to his wife, whom they wants to think of as virginal. After all many religions (Catholics especially) preach that virginity is the ideal state of womanhood. This goes to the whole putting your wife on a pedestal thing. Also the whole Madonna - ***** complex thing.

Also maybe he is afraid that he won't please her so he doesn't try, or sadly maybe he is just lazy (that's the worst if that is the case). 

She even says, when talking about masturbating "(he thought women would stop him from doing it)", I bet that was the default feeling in his home growing up. It's dirty and should be hidden, never do that! 

OP you should at least talk to him about this. I bet there is some of this going on.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Honestly I think for a lot of these guys it is because of misguided fear and shame. This is why I asked her if he comes from a religious background. I think somewhere done the line he got it in his head that sex it dirty and shameful and needs to be done behind closed doors. (It's not like the so called "pious" people have ever pushed that narrative). Better to keep "dirty" part of himself behind closed doors.
> 
> He may associate his lust with sin so he may have a hard time exposing it to his wife, whom they wants to think of as virginal. After all many religions (Catholics especially) preach that virginity is the ideal state of womanhood. This goes to the whole putting your wife on a pedestal thing. Also the whole Madonna - ***** complex thing.
> 
> ...


I just don't buy the shame thing. If this guy is into the kinds of porn it sounds like he's into, it's pretty extreme stuff. It sounds like he shamelessly faps to porn whether or not his wife is watching. I suppose he could be religious and closeted but it's that's pretty weak.

Fear of pleasing her I could buy, though. Fantasy can certainly outperform reality. To watch someone on video (or an animation nonetheless) do unrealistic things can be desirable, but you know you'll never be able to do that in reality. But I still don't get it that she's asking him to do her and he doesn't want to.

The science behind PMO (porn masturbation orgasm) is that it's an easier effortless way to achieve a dopamine rush from orgasm. Having sex is work (the long way there.) Humans are wired to take short cuts when they can (like drink a soda for sugar rather than eat fruit.)
He's probably just rat-holed in that behavior
Or maybe he's just lost interest in her or never really had it in the first place. If that's the case, get out of that marriage. She may love him, but this is unfixable.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JamesTKirk said:


> I just don't buy the shame thing. If this guy is into the kinds of porn it sounds like he's into, it's pretty extreme stuff. It sounds like he shamelessly faps to porn whether or not his wife is watching. I suppose he could be religious and closeted but it's that's pretty weak.
> 
> Fear of pleasing her I could buy, though. Fantasy can certainly outperform reality. To watch someone on video (or an animation nonetheless) do unrealistic things can be desirable, but you know you'll never be able to do that in reality. But I still don't get it that she's asking him to do her and he doesn't want to.
> 
> ...


He is not ashamed of her sexuality he is ashamed of his own. Plus better to sin in the closet then to expose your virginal wife to it.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Porn and masturbation are a lot easier than sex with a live woman. So he's choosing to be lazy and have sex with a video screen. He does not have to put energy into pleasing the women on the video screen. It's easy for him. He's lazy.


You know this cat could be gay. A gay court reporter I knew talked about watching straight porn and fantasizing about being the woman in the scene. It'd take a show nuf lazy guy to turn down or haphazardly perform with what he has before him. I'm just sayin.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

To the OP. 
First, you are not doing anything wrong, in fact you have made efforts far beyond what many have done to fix things.

He is an addict. I don't object to porn, but when someone exchanges sex with the woman that they love for porn, then they have a serious problem. If he realizes that its a problem and wants to try treatment, there is hope. But if he doesn't realize it, then there is none.

People get addicted to, and ruin their lives over a wide variety of things that are not chemically addictive: Gambling, porn, random sex, whatever. 

You can no more help him than you can help a serious alcoholic. All that will happen is that his addiction will drag you down as well. 

He is lost, there is nothing for you here.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

Run away now. This will only get worse before it gets better if it ever does.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

VladDracul said:


> You know this cat could be gay. A gay court reporter I knew talked about watching straight porn and fantasizing about being the woman in the scene. It'd take a show nuf lazy guy to turn down or haphazardly perform with what he has before him. I'm just sayin.


You'd probably be surprised how many straight men turn down willing sex partners and get to the point where they prefer porn. 

I'm sure you have seen the threads here on TAM about this. I've experienced it.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

sokillme said:


> Well if she was poking him in his eye at the same time. :grin2:


I'd still take it!


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You'd probably be surprised how many straight men turn down willing sex partners and get to the point where they prefer porn.


Maybe Ele but on a personal level, as regaling as watching a little porn can be, I've never seen any good enough that would make me prefer it to a real live girl. I just can't envision a substitute for the real thing.
In my opinion, women need to ditch any man that lazy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

VladDracul said:


> Maybe Ele but on a personal level, as regaling as watching a little porn can be, I've never seen any good enough that would make me prefer it to a real live girl. I just can't envision a substitute for the real thing.
> In my opinion, women need to ditch any man that lazy.


I agree. It's a large part of why I ditched my husband. Who needs that?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OP if you are considering leaving your husband I would let you husband read this thread. Even if you don't stay he needs to get that this is a problem.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> You'd probably be surprised how many straight men turn down willing sex partners and get to the point where they prefer porn.
> 
> I'm sure you have seen the threads here on TAM about this. I've experienced it.


Less hassle, no-one else feelings to worry about, complete control over time and demand, no risk of failure or shut out, whatever flavor they dial-up, get to focus on partners otherwise completely out of their league, and (visually) participate in stuff they'd never have a chance to do in real life (you know how much hassle it is doing video worthy anal work!), and no judgement or work-load to go with the release.

If ones' experiences have been emotionally negative or overwhelming it's not really surprising


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> It's highly unlikely that she could get an annulment for this.


Not anulment, but it could be used as "at fault" for reasonable level of spousal abandonment/dereliction of martial duties.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Hate to say it, but you married a boy instead of a man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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