# Please advise :(



## callmekitten (Oct 30, 2014)

Hey all,
I'm new to the board, and could really use some advice. 

I met my husband six years ago, and we have been together ever since. Three years ago, I sold everything I owned and moved to another country to be with him. Crazy... I know. Then because of the visa restrictions, I wasn't allowed to work here for an entire year. We were both aware of this before I came over, but I didn't fully realize what I was getting myself into. 

Basically, my husband started to control my entire life. Because he knew I was here alone, with no family or friends, and no money to leave. That first year of my marriage was the hardest of my life. I cried almost every single day... and some of our fights turned physical. 

However as time went on, I was able to work and gain some of my control back. And I tried to stick it out with my husband and make it work. I do want to say that he isn't a monster, but he does have extreme anger issues. He was abused by his father as a child, and his mother isn't any better, and it really screwed him up. I know he loves me more than anything, and he tells me so all the time. But he refuses to get help for his anger and control issues, and I am at my wits end. 

I think emotionally, I checked out of the marriage a long time ago. When I think about leaving him, the only thing I can think of is how guilty I feel because he will be all alone. I'm literally the only good thing he has in his life... and I hate that. I hate that he is so dependent on me for his happiness. I feel trapped and suffocated. 
Even though none of our fights have been physical in a long time, he is still emotionally abusive and my self esteem has taken a huge hit since I've been with him. Most of the time he says he is joking, but it's not funny to me, and I just feel like **** all the time. 

I struggled with severe depression as a teenager, and I prided myself on the fact that I learned how to cope with it naturally and finally got off all the pills. But for the last few weeks, it's just hit me like a ton of bricks again. I can't get out of bed, I can't do anything. I am so sad... and I hate that I think I have to go back on the pills again. 

I actually almost wish that he would just cheat on me or find someone else, so I could use that as my reason to leave. I know it sounds ridiculous, but he doesn't see why I am so sad. He doesn't think he needs to get help and refuses to do so. I feel like I don't have any way out of this situation, and I am so afraid of making the wrong decision. 

Can someone please give me some helpful advice here? I am willing to listen to anything at this point. I have nobody in my life I can talk to about this, so I would really appreciate it. 

Thanks in advance,
K


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

callmekitten said:


> When I think about leaving him, the only thing I can think of is how guilty I feel because he will be all alone. I'm literally the only good thing he has in his life... and I hate that. I hate that he is so dependent on me for his happiness. I feel trapped and suffocated.


Kitten, I'm sorry you're here. I've been there, done that. I stayed with my physically abusive live-in BF for many years because of this very reason. He's a broken man and I thought I could fix him. I felt sorry for him and the guilt of my leaving him was powerful and made me stay way too many years. I have so many regrets! It was only when my injuries were visible to the public eye did I realize that I needed to save myself. Far too late of a realization.

It is not your job to fix him. Sure, he had an awful childhood but he's an adult. He knows basic right from wrong and there is no excuse for him to treat you the way he does.

I am your future. And I'm telling you to please seek community help (can you talk to a women's shelter or someone in the domestic violence field?) to GET OUT. Even though he hasn't been physical in a long time, it's lurking right under the surface. 

I wasted 12 long years of my life and I still have such self-hatred for staying with him. Please don't become me. Reach out in your community to see what sort of services are available to you.

Please be careful and take care of yourself first. If you won't, who will?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would read all the books I can get my hands on about abuse and emotional abuse; you'll likely find something in there to help you chart a course out of this - either by changing so he has to change as well or by deciding to leave. I would try to find counseling. I would get back on some antidepressants. And I would start practicing self care by, when he does something hurtful, leaving the room.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Could it be that you and/or him have trouble adapting to the new country and culture? Are we talking USA to Canada move or Canada to third world country type move (i.e. more drastic). 

Try to establish a support network among expats. There's got to be done that married locals and can help you navigate the place. 

Then seek mental help based on what's available or if everything else fails go back.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Kitten, welcome to TAM. I agree with the advice given you by *Lucy*, *John*, and *Turnera*. I will only add that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, physical abuse, frequent temper tantrums, very controlling behavior, and blaming you for every misfortune -- are some of the red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I'm not saying your H has the full-blown disorder but, rather, that he may have strong traits of it.



> Some of our fights turned physical.


Physical abuse of one's own spouse is strongly associated with BPD because three key features of BPD are strong anger (carried from childhood), lack of impulse control, and the inability to regulate emotions. Several studies have demonstrated the strong association of spousal battering with personality disorders. A 1993 Canadian study, for example, made that finding. Roger Melton, a psychotherapist, describes those study results as follows:Dutton's team discovered that 90-100% of men who physically assault their spouses exhibited symptoms of what are clinically known as "personality disorders." Many studies done to test their research project have confirmed their conclusions, which provides stunning evidence that men who batter women have sets of distinct, unique, identifiable personality characteristics. And a potential victim can recognize these characteristics before falling for someone who is skilled at appearing to be "Mr. Right." ​Roger Melton states that about half of these batterers have BPD. You can see his description of the Canadian study at When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong.



> He was abused by his father as a child, and his mother isn't any better, and it really screwed him up.


Most abused children grow up without developing BPD. Such abuse, however, GREATLY raises the risk for developing it. A 2008 study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 70% of the BPDers reported they had been abused or abandoned by a parent in childhood. Anecdotally, I can tell you that my BPDer exW had been abused by her own father for many years in childhood.



> Basically, my husband started to control my entire life.


If he is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), that controlling behavior is to be expected. The reason is that a BPDer has two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. He therefore controls your behavior to prevent you from moving too far away (thus triggering his abandonment fear) or moving too close (thus triggering the engulfment he feels when intimacy is sustained for very long).



> I do want to say that he isn't a monster, but he does have extreme anger issues.


BPDers are not monsters. On the contrary, most of them are very good and well-intentioned people. Their problem is not being _bad _but, rather, being _unstable_ -- primarily due to their inability to manage their own emotions. When they are in a good mood, BPDers generally are delightful folks to be around and they are very easy to fall in love with. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.



> I know he loves me more than anything, and he tells me so all the time.


Unlike narcissists and sociopaths, BPDers are able to love others -- and are able to do so very intensely. Yet, because a BPDer's emotional development is frozen at the level of a four year old, he will love you in the same immature way that a young child does. Like the child, he can flip in ten seconds from adoring you to devaluing you -- or even hating you. And then, a few hours or days later, he can flip back just as quickly. Generally, a BPDer's temper tantrums last about 4 or 5 hours.



> He refuses to get help for his anger and control issues, and I am at my wits end.... I know it sounds ridiculous, but he doesn't see why I am so sad.


No, if he has strong BPD traits, that behavior is _expected_ -- not _ridiculous_. Nearly all BPDers have a vague awareness that something is wrong with them but they generally are blind to the problems they create. This is why BPD is said to be "egosyntonic," which means that the thought distortions are such a normal part of how the BPDer has been thinking throughout his lifetime that he believes it would be abnormal to think otherwise. 

Although nearly all BPDers lack self awareness of their own issues, this shortcoming does NOT give them a free pass to harm others. It is important, for the BPDer's welfare as well as your own, for him to be held fully accountable for his own actions. This means you should not be an enabler but, rather, a spouse who allows him to suffer the logical consequences of his own decisions. Otherwise, he has no opportunity to confront his own issues and learn how to acquire the emotional skills he failed to learn in childhood.



> I hate that he is so dependent on me for his happiness. I feel trapped and suffocated.


You are mistaken to believe that you can provide him happiness. He must do that for himself. Happiness is an inside job. It took me 15 years to learn that, unless the person is starving or without shelter, it is IMPOSSIBLE to make an unhappy person become happy for more than several days.

Moreover, if he actually is a BPDer, you likely are causing him nearly as much pain by being around him as you would if you were to leave. The reason is that his two fears (abandonment and engulfment) lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that, as you back away to avoid triggering his engulfment fear, you necessarily are drawing closer to triggering his abandonment fear. 

The result is that the two of you are always in a lose-lose situation. He will be unhappy if you stay and unhappy if you leave. Sadly, there is no midpoint position (i.e., not too close and not too far) where you can safely stand. I know because I spent 15 years looking for that Goldilocks position and ultimately realized it simply does not exist.



callmekitten said:


> Can someone please give me some helpful advice here?


I suggest you see a good psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. Moreover, while you're looking for the psych, I suggest you read about BPD red flags so you are able to spot any strong warning signs that occur. For example, if your H really does have strong BPD traits, you also should be seeing some other behavioral traits like rapid mood flips and and black-white thinking (e.g., frequent use of expressions such as "You ALWAYS..." and "You NEVER..."). 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, you will find a more detailed description of them at my post in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Kitten.


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## callmekitten (Oct 30, 2014)

Wow thank you so much for the detailed information. I actually never even considered the possibility that he could have BPD... which is crazy when I think about it because all the signs are there. And I grew up with a step-mom who had BPD, and for some reason, his issues just never clicked to me to resemble what hers did. But now that you've mentioned it, he actually does have all the traits. I will definitely be looking into this. Thanks so much for the insightful reply.


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## callmekitten (Oct 30, 2014)

I just want to say thank you so much for all the helpful replies. It does make me feel better just reading them... and to know that I'm not alone, or unjustified in feeling this way. 
I am in the process of checking all available resources before I make a decision. Thanks again.


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