# Help. Where to go from here



## Unknown123

Hi all. Just come across this forum and thought it shared my story. And possibly get some advice on where to go from here. 

So my wife and I( both under 30) have been married for a year. We have been dating for 5 plus years before that. 

We have had some ups and downs but managed to get through them. 

The last two years have been harder. I feel that the reason we wanted get married changed and other reasons got in the way which lead to more fights which continued into our marriage. 

One day I my wife left her phone before she left to work and I have been some messages a year before That she went out with a family friend who previously had a crush on her without my knowledge till early morning. I was upset and heartbroken at the time. She apologised and I managed to forgive her. 

This was one month into our marriage. I had no work for a few months and wasn't pulling my weight which cause more issues with her. 

In this time, about 6 months into our marriage. She was confiding about my marriage with friends and work colleges. She was being influenced by other people. She become disconnected from me. I kept my distance to avoid arguing. We only did things that we had to do together. Eg functions. She wouldn't be intimate with me for 5 months. Slept on the couch. Stopped cooking, less cleaning . 

These are things she enjoys and normally does regularly. 

Then at one point she broken down telling me she isn't inlove with me and wants me to leave. I was shocked. How did this marriage break down so fast. So I left for a few days to my parents. I evenly went back and tried to fix things. We spoke and she said she was frustrated and Angry. I said let's work on it. Well things didn't go to plan and stayed the same. Two months into it. Still arguing over petty stuff. Causing more issues. 

This time she drives off in her car when we argue. This happened about 3 times. She goes for hours. When she comes back she says she wanted to kill herself ETc and just drives and drives. I let it go thinking I don't want her to start self harming.

I tried to do things more on my behalf and wasn't getting anything out of her. 

This one week we had was good, no arguments, she slept in our bed. Did a few things together. Etc. I told her we also need to be more intimate again cause I feel it makes us closer. She says she agrees but is worried she won't enjoy it anymore. I questioned her what do you mean. She said she still feels unhappy. 

I just left it there trying to understand. Anyway the next day she dropped me off to a friends place for a night to hang out. And said she will pick me up. I messaged her throughout the night and she wasn't reading them. I turn called her at 1030pm for half an hour straight. She didn't answer. Till her got to her parents home saying she is there. But I just spoke to her mum And she wasn't there 5 minutes ago. Then she said she was shopping. Which I caught her lying about. 

I went there and her car was so hot and the break Smell was really bad. She sped to her mums to answer her phone there. Then the hysterics happened. She said she was scared to answer her phone from me. Started fake crying, said she wanted to end her life. She went to an area by the water to clear her mind. I asked for her phone and she didn't want to give me it. I told her mother I don't believe her. 

She must be going to see someone. Didn't open my messages answer my calls. I want to see her phone record etc. She wouldn't agree. I told her mum Ive had enough and left. I went to my parents place again for a week. We have cameras at home at our place so I went back to check them. After she dropped me off at friends place. She went home. Was on the phone in the car for ten minutes. She went inside fixed her hair. 

Chasee her jeans to a skirt, changed her top, and the first thing she did when she got back in the car was eat some chewing gum. I had alarms bells straight away. Thinking my wife is not going to sit alone, she is fixing her self to go see someone. And then thought this is where she has been going when we argue. So We spoke once and I mentioned I'm not coming Back till I see her records. She said there's nothing to see and why can't I believe her. So two weeks went by and and we brief contact. Still standing my ground. Telling her family my position. Mind you she has made me look like the villain to everyone when she wanted to leave me before. I went back to stay at home a few weeks ago. She also came back home. We spoke briefly And we slept apart. The next day was my 30th birthday.

I asked her to come to lunch with my family. She declined. Saying she needs time alone and don't worry That she is safe And she loves me. I was worried she was going to harm herself aswell as she where she goes.I left my lunch and went and parked my not far near hers. She got in and I followed her. 

She went to where she said she goes. A place near the water. I went around the block so I don't get seen. I came back around she was gone. I waited 1 hour. I seen her. She got out of a car. My heart dropped. I sped and followed that car For a minute. They pulled over knowing they were being following. I ran out and approached. I was a male. I questioned him about my wife's name. He declined knowing her. 

I said I saw her Get out of your car. Who are you. He said he's a work friend. I wouldn't believe it. I asked if they were sexual and he decline saying he has a partner. I still couldn't believe it. I just left. She then called me. I went off on the phone and she wanted me to come home to talk. So I went. I couldn't handle it and I went of saying know I know why you have disconnected from me. And where you disappear to when we argue. I went and packed my belongings and she started to threaten self harm again.

I called her mother. She told her off. I said you look after her now. The next day she collapsed in the shower at her mums place. They took her to hospital. And they then transferred her to mental health unit. She was diagonised with borderline personality disorder. She got discharged after a few days. 

We spoke after she came out. She said there was nothing sexual. I still didn't believe her cause been lying for so long And hiding her phone for a long time aswell. First she said needed space and didn't want me around. Then i gave her some ultimatums. I'm thinking shouldn't she be running back to me. After a week then she changed her tone. Family members were on holidays and she had know one around. She called me a few times. I went and stayed with her for abit even though I didn't want to be there. She's seeking some treatment now. I should also note I believe now she is using this is an excuse for her actions. 

My wife is a smart women, educated and works in a government job. I also believe she is could be trying to save face and her reputation as she has alot of pride and a little ego. 

So I'm lost on what do to and where to go from here. I don't know if I can trust her anymore and believe What she has said. Sorry for writing so much. Any tips on what I can do. Thanks


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## faithfulman

Your wife is a liar, mentally unstable, and having sex with another man.

I know, and you know what you should do.

Leave her.


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## Unknown123

I feel like that is the best option for me and her is to go our own ways but I can't come to terms with it still. I feel like I need more answers but Im not getting them and don't think I ever will


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## GusPolinski

The office of a good divorce lawyer would be a pretty good place to start.


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## anchorwatch

1) The enter key is your friend. (paragraphs are readable) 

2) In life, you need a partner to work with, not a problem to fix. 

3) If you need to fix something, fix why you entertained this drama and want more of it. 

Leave her, don't leave her? Gezze...

Find the answer

Read... No More Mr Nice Guy


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## Unknown123

It is true. There where signs before marriage That I just ignored. Alot of secrecy. Alot of individuality. It felt like it. Really the last two years of us has been a disaster.

Also Is there a way I can find out if she 100% slept with him


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## Rubix Cubed

Unknown123 said:


> I feel like that is the best option for me and her is to go our own ways but I can't come to terms with it still. I feel like I need more answers but Im not getting them and *don't think I ever will*


 You will never get the whole truth. You are barely even getting the tip of the iceberg now. A polygraph could help you with more of the truth, but the likely way you would get that truth is from a parking lot confession with her hoping you will cancel the poly. This still won't be the whole truth. You asked about trusting her again. You can't. You also can't forgive when you don't know what you are forgiving. 
Honestly, at a year into your marriage, you should still be in the honeymoon stage. Be thankful you discovered the real her before you had kids and got enmeshed financially. You can't do anything to help her BPD and it will brutalize you if you stay with her. See a lawyer, have divorce papers drawn up then have her served. A poster here, @Uptown ,may have some good insight for you on the BPD.


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## anchorwatch

Unknown123 said:


> Also Is there a way I can find out if she 100% slept with him


A better question is why are you pining over someone that you have to ask that question about?


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## Unknown123

Ive just started to listen to mr nice guy. I should add. My wife has always looked after my well being. But never my feelings. Always had no regards for what she does towards me. Has no respect etc. Always says sorry, but repeatedly does it again and again.


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## StarFires

Unknown123 said:


> Also Is there a way I can find out if she 100% slept with him


Most people in your position get caught up in desperately wanting to know everything. They abuse themselves with the painful notion that what they know isn't real and there must be something out there that is more real to know about. But you know enough. What you know is real, and that is enough. You don't need pictures of her in bed with someone to satisfy your curiosity. You already know she has been unfaithful because you saw her with the man. You know she has been lying. You know she's been hiding it and refused to show you her phone. Exacting evidence is not necessary. The evidence you already have is not circumstantial, it is precise and more than enough.

You're only doing this because you can't let go, so you're making up a breaking point for letting go. You have established a predication and convinced yourself you will let go and believe what you already know after you obtain a level of evidence you're never going to obtain. But you spend your days inflicting mental anguish on yourself in pursuit of reaching this imaginary zenith. You locked yourself in limbo just so you can keep torturing yourself some more as if her torturing you hasn't been enough.

Finish the book and if that doesn't do the trick, then go see a counselor so you can build enough will and self confidence to liberate yourself from this self-imposed torture chamber. She has been trying to get away from you. But you refuse to free yourself.


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## StarFires

Unknown123 said:


> Ive just started to listen to mr nice guy. I should add. My wife has always looked after my well being. But never my feelings. Always had no regards for what she does towards me. Has no respect etc. Always says sorry, but repeatedly does it again and again.


You have stated in several different ways, including this one, that you shouldn't have married her. You just didn't know not to marry her because you thought love has more to do with it than it actually does. Love is just small part in choosing a life partner and deciding to marry. We just normally learn these lessons when it's too late. 

It's time to finally learn that lesson. Accept the reality of your situation. Cut your losses and move on.


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## Openminded

No, you'll never know 100% for sure. But this is where you use your common sense.


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## jlg07

If you think she is STILL involved, try getting a PI. Did you get the guys name or license plate? You could have the PI track him down also and tell HIS partner about him cheating with your wife.

All in all, you know what you know -- you just don't want to accept it yet. You are still young and don't have kids (i didn't see anything about them?? -- and if you don't DO NOT have sex with her and get her pregnant!). You will learn and grow from this and find the person you really SHOULD be with in the future.


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## Uptown

@*RubixCubed*, thanks so much for the callout!



> *She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.*


Unknown, you are describing many red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, icy withdrawal, temper tantrums _"over petty stuff,"_ black-white thinking, lack of impulse control (e.g., risky impulsive behavior), always thinking of herself as "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD. You also seem to be describing a narcissistic trait, i.e., the repeated lying and deception.

A BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old because her development was frozen at a young age -- probably due to a childhood trauma or abandonment and/or inherited genes. She is emotionally unstable because she never had the opportunity in childhood to acquire the coping skills needed to regulate her own emotions. Nor did she have an opportunity to develop a strong, stable, self identity. The result is that, until she has had years of therapy to learn those missing skills, your relationship with her likely will be more that of parent/child than husband/wife. 



> *Any tips on what I can do?*


Until she has had many years of weekly therapy, whatever you do likely will be wrong much of the time -- no matter WHAT you do. This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at opposite ends of the _very same spectrum_. This means you often find yourselves in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

Your predicament is that the solution to calming her abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her engulfment fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.

Hence, as you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear.

In my 15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a BPDer learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.

Indeed, even if you are sitting perfectly still and not saying a word, a BPDer who is experiencing hurtful feelings will project those feelings onto YOU. Her subconscious does this to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality -- and to externalize the pain, getting it outside her body. Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will consciously be convinced that the painful feeling or hurtful thought is coming from YOU.

Hence, as long as you remain in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD having strong symptoms, you will often find yourself hurting her -- i.e., triggering her engulfment fear as you draw near, triggering her abandonment fear as you draw back, and triggering her anger even when you are sitting still in a room saying absolutely nothing.



> *My wife is a smart women, educated and works in a government job.*


The vast majority of full-blown BPDers -- statistics suggest 2/3 to 3/4 of them -- are _"high functioning."_ This means that they typically hold jobs and generally get along fine with coworkers, clients, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those people is able to trigger the BPDer's fears of abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment.

Hence, with most BPDers, the strong BPD symptoms usually appear only when someone (e.g., a casual friend) makes the mistake of drawing close to the BPDer for a sustained period. This is why it is common for high functioning BPDer to excel in very difficult jobs such as being a social worker, teacher, surgeon, professional actor, or salesman. 

And this is why most BPDers can be considerate and friendly all day long to complete strangers -- but will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them. BPDers generally are not bad people. Like young children, their problem is not being _bad_ but, rather, being _unstable_.



> *She's seeking some treatment now.*


Most major cities offer excellent treatment programs (e.g., DBT, TFP, and CBT) that can teach a BPDer the emotional skills needed to regulate her own emotions.They can teach her how to do self soothing; how to regulate her own emotions; how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as "facts"; and how to trust others.

They also can teach her how to be "mindful" (i.e., to remain in the room instead of escaping in daydreams to the past or future); how to perceive "object constancy" (i.e., to see that her partner's personality is essentially unchanged day to day); and how to avoid black-white thinking by learning to tolerate strong mixed feelings, uncertainties, ambiguities, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. Absent those skills, she must continue to rely on the primitive ego defenses used by young children: projection, denial, temper tantrums, magical thinking, and black-white thinking. 

Sadly, it is rare for a high functioning BPDer to remain in those programs long enough to make a real difference. Like learning how to play a piano, success requires a strong self motivation, self awareness (to see the problems), and sufficient ego strength to work hard on learning the skills for many years.

In my case, for example, I spent a small fortune sending my exW to weekly sessions for 15 years with 6 different psychologists and 3 MCs. She made numerous dramatic improvements. Like the smoker who is always throwing away his "last pack" every few weeks, a BPDer typically will be seen making dramatic improvements every 2 or 3 months (if not more frequently). That is how emotionally unstable people behave. Remember, even a roller coaster will be seen making dramatic gains half the time.



> *I don't know if I can trust her anymore*.


I'm surprised that you have not said anything about HER inability to trust YOU. If she is a BPDer, she is so unstable and immature that she never learned how to trust HERSELF. Until she learns that, she will be incapable of trusting you for any extended period. Granted, she may trust you for a few days or a week. She cannot sustain it, however.

My experience is that, until a person is able to trust YOU, you cannot trust HER because she may turn on you at any moment. My BPD exW, for example, ended our 15-year marriage by calling the police and having me arrested on a bogus charge and thrown into jail.



> *So I'm lost on what do to and where to go from here*.


It may be helpful to better familiarize yourself with BPD so you have a better understanding of what you likely will be dealing with if you remain in the marriage. Of course, learning to identify these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. 

Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- and may help you decide whether the situation warrants your seeking guidance from a psychologist.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so and you have questions, I would be glad to join *Rubix* and the other respondents in discussing them with you.


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## Unknown123

Wow guys thanks so much. Uptown you have described her exactly. She only wants doses of me. Those are her exact traits. And as you mentioned she has turned on people who have gotten closer to her to give her advice. But not to people who tell her what she wants to her. Eg her co workers, where she still feels like she is in control. 

When she is confronted or approached by family members or myself she always cried and didn't want to hear what people have to say. Because these where things that she didn't want to hear. And then she would disappear on her "drives" . 

With regards to trust, I have had money issues in the past and she has not trusted me from day one about it. I was willing to fix this before we got married but she still didn't accept it. I wanted to save with her and she can see my banking activity but that did not occur. She married me knowing this. I felt I was not being taken Seriously and was abit reckless. And this continued into marriage.


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## Unknown123

I've had a look at those 18 points and most of them relate to her


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## sunsetmist

You have been given excellent advice. There is no happy future with this woman--a liar, unstable, a cheater. Read Uptown's description and know you do not want to live like this--without trust, life always about her. Sure, you are not perfect either, but her situation is in a completely different ballpark. Don't second guess now and be sorry in 5 years.


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## manfromlamancha

What country are you both from ?


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## niceguy47460

Dude get the f*** out now asap . if you don't you will be in the mental hospital or dead yourself . leave and don't go back do not answer her calls . get a divoice and go on with your life .


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## Unknown123

Thanks again for your input. We are from Australia.


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## BluesPower

Unknown123 said:


> It is true. There where signs before marriage That I just ignored. Alot of secrecy. Alot of individuality. It felt like it. Really the last two years of us has been a disaster.
> 
> Also Is there a way I can find out if she 100% slept with him


Dude, let me help you out. She 1000% slept with him, and several other guys.

You are not really that naïve are you. She is an adult, adults have sex, guys don't hang out with girls that they are not having sex with. 

Listen, honestly, you need to grow up and wake up. Surely you can see that, right?


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## Sports Fan

Plainly put your wife is a lying *****. She gas lighted you for years on end and starved you from intimacy because she was obviously sleeping with someone else. And every time you'd throw a tantrum regarding her bad behavour she would threaten self harm. Threatning self harm is a common tactic from the cheaters play book.

Leave her. There is nothing to consider or save. You deserve much better.


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## StillSearching

Unknown123 said:


> It is true. There where signs before marriage That I just ignored. Alot of secrecy. Alot of individuality. It felt like it. Really the last two years of us has been a disaster.
> 
> *Also Is there a way I can find out if she 100% slept with him*


If you stay married this will haunt you til the day you die.
I too was right where you are now. Listen to me.....She had SEX with him. Ten ways til Tuesday! All of it. 
Everything you have done with her, he did with her!
Stop right now and file for D. Save your soul!!
Life is much better when you have truth and trust back in it.

She will never bring you that...EVER.


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## Unknown123

Thanks again for your posts. 

Just an update.
We had a meeting on where to go from here. 
She was crying and crying and wanted to work things out and she was saying she stuffed up badly she is sorry etc. I kept telling her I can't do this I cant get these thoughts of another man out of my head. I don't know how I'm going to live with wondering where you are. Who your with what are you up-to on your phone for the rest of my life.

After abit I got into abit of detail. I said I knew his name and his partners name. She jumped up after I told her, and that I said I was going to tell his partner. She lost it at me and went crazy . I said what's the big deal, why do to care so much. I threw in comment on how was the sex. Then she threw TV remote at me and went crazy saying he didn't touch her and she didn't do anything with him. She then Threw a water bottle at me, then she went to bathroom and said she's Gona kill herself. I didn't follow her this time and she came out after two mins. Crying ,saying why can't we move forward I'm sorry I want to make it work with you. I repeatedly said I just don't believe you anymore because when you had suspicion on you , you acted like this. Lied, denied, cried and self harm. I will never believe you. Some family members came past and she blamed it all on me and how my actions caused her to turn to someone else because she felt I turned my back on her. And they kept saying you had problems aswell Which til this day I admit and played part in this occurring. But I never crossed the line like she did.. 

Anywho they said to let's meet up in a week and see how we feel. Im still adamant she is lying and she won't go into detail about the other person. I also questioned her. If I didn't catch you, would this still be going on behind my back. And she said I don't know. She couldn't answer it

I've also read on another forum post about remorse. When she was caught, it was all about why she confided in him and how I made her turn to someone for support cause she felt I turned my back on her. She briefly said she stuffed up but it was more about me. 
She also didn't run back to me or ask me for forgiveness. She didn't say here take my phone, I'll leave my job. Etc I had to ask her and put the pressure on her to think about it. After two weeks she Now has asked for forgiveness. And said she will apply for a transfer to anither office but could take months. Which I still don't accept

I believe this is all to save face and reputation. Aswell as looking at how hard it would be to re marry and have kids if her reputation is ruined. How do I really determine and sense true remorse.


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## BluesPower

Unknown123 said:


> Thanks again for your posts.
> 
> Just an update.
> We had a meeting on where to go from here.
> She was crying and crying and wanted to work things out and she was saying she stuffed up badly she is sorry etc. I kept telling her I can't do this I cant get these thoughts wof anither man out of my head. I don't know how I'm going to live with wondering where you are. Who your with what are you up-to on your phone for the rest of my life.
> 
> After abit I got into abit of detail. I said I knew his name and his partners name. She jumped up after I told her and that I said I was going to tell his partner. She lost it at me and went crazy . I said what's the big deal, why do to care so much. Then I threw in comment how was the sex. Then she threw TV remote at me when crazy saying he didn't touch her. Threw a water bottle at me, then she went to bathroom and said she's Gona kill herself. I didn't follow her this time and she came out after two mins. Crying ,saying why can't we move forward I'm sorry I want to make it work with you. I repeatedly said I just don't believe you anymore because when you had suspicion on you , you acted like this. Lied, denied, cried and self harm. I will never believe you. Same family members came past and she blamed it all on me and how my actions caused her to turn to someone else because she felt I turned my back on her. And they kept saying you had problems aswell Which til this day I admit and player part in this occurring. But I never crossed the line like she did..
> 
> Anywho they said to let's meet up in a week and see how we feel. Im still adamant she is lying and she won't go into detail about the other person. I also question her. If I didn't catch you, would this still be going on behind my back. And she said I don't know.
> 
> I've also read on another forum post about remorse. When she was caught, it was all about why she didn't it. She briefly said she stuffed up but it was more about me.
> She also didn't run back to me or ask me for forgiveness. She didn't day here take my phone, I'll leave my job. Etc I had to ask her and put the pressure on her to think about it. After two weeks she said she will apply for a transfer to anither office but could take months.
> 
> How ever I believe this is all to save face and reputation. Aswell as looking at how hard it would be to re marry and have kids if her reputation is ruined. How do I really determine and sense true remorse.


Listen, the way that she is acting, is all out of the cheater handbook 101. 

See how upset she got about you telling her BF's wife or GF. 

She has been sleeping with him for a long time, or at least him and other guys for a long time. 

Please just divorce her and move on... you need to see this for what it is. 

And if you really know who the other betrayed spouse is, you need to tell her. She has a right to know the truth just like you do...


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## MattMatt

@Unknown123 Welcome to TAM. Sorry you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.

Your wife has been diagnosed as suffering from a serious mental illness.

Is she getting treatment for this? If not, why not?

There are people on TAM who have coped with the mental illness of a spouse, hopefully they can offer your their unique insights into how they dealt with the situation or are dealing with the situation.


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## OutofRetirement

Unknown123 said:


> How do I really determine and sense true remorse.


A lot of people cheated on really want the relationship. This cheating stuff is so darn predictable. The cheater and the one who is cheated on, both. The cheater does it because they literally want to "cheat" as in "breaking the rules." The "rule" is faithfulness, fidelity, monogamy - breaking the rule is having multiple romantic/sexual partners BUT NOT letting the one who is being cheated on to have people on the side, too. No, cheating is lopsided - the cheater breaks the rules, they don't say "I'm cheating, it's only fair to tell you so you can, too." That is, what she wants is to have you and for you to be completely faithful, while she gets to have other guys. The one who is cheated on almost always really, really wants to hold that relationship. The imaginary relationship was really good. It was a nice fantasy. She was ACTING. There was a movie called "The Truman Show." Truman's wife was ACTING. That's a fictional movie, and hard to believe, but some of the real stories here are even more unbelievable. But not yours. Your story is completely believable. It's like every third or fourth thread here. Sometimes I wonder if it all is a fake website. Like some guy basically writes the same story, change the ages, change the genders, and include the exact same lies, gaslighting, blame-shifting, marriage history re-writing, and the betrayed ones posting here to save it all.

What you should do is read a lot, A LOT, of threads here, the longer ago, the better (so you can see how it turned out). That takes some time, but enlightening for you, I think.

OK, your real question: How do I really determine and sense true remorse.

Answer: There is no one thing. In short, it is called "making amends." This is a basic principle my parents taught me. When you do something wrong to hurt someone, you sincerely apologize, then you do what is reasonable to make things right. To make them feel better. If you stole or broke one of their belongings, you replace it or fix it. What would that look like in your situation?

For one thing, why are you posting here? The emphasis should be "why are YOU posting here?" and the second question is "why isn't YOUR WIFE" posting here, or someone else, to figure out what she should do to fix the marriage?" YOU are here, SHE is not. Is she trying to figure out how to fix it, other than beg you or ask you? That's one easy way to see if she is truly remorseful. She would be seeking out how to fix it.

Basically, true remorse is based on ACTIONS, the more difficult the actions, the more likely there is true remorse. And not doing so just because you require it. For example, blocking the other person, showing that to you, being open to letting close family and friends know about it, being open to you telling the other man's wife, full honesty-the story makes sense-not the story she told you. The words shouldn't be ignored, but compared to the actions for consistency. Typically the cheater will say "please don't leave me, I'll do anything" and then you say, "OK, leave the job where you cheated" and the reply is "anything but that."


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## [email protected]

Unknown123, go reread your posts. You know damned well what's going on, so don't minimize it in any way. She's checked out. Anyway, these borderlines rarely change for the better unless they hit rock bottom. Best advice: Divorce her. She has no remorse, and might be incapable of it.


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## jsmart

You've only been married for a year with no kids. You should have bounced a long time ago. If during the honeymoon stage of your marriage she's already screwing OM(s) then she's not worth being married to.

You mentioned being out of work. Is that still the case? Women don't do well supporting a man. They will lose respect for you very quickly. That could have been enough to push her to be open to another man's advances. Not that it excuses her betraying you but you have to be realistic, a young woman in her 20's is having men come on to her CONSTANTLY. So if she has a grown man to support, these dudes are going to use that as an open to tear you down as a way to work them panties off.

I strongly suggest you divorce. It shouldn't even be a question. Please don't stay with the excuse that you need proof. That's an excuse for inaction. Just thank your lucky stars that you don't have any kids with her.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Sir, I have some advice, and it is quite simple. RUN! NOW. Why torture yourself. Your wife is a special kind of crazy. She is also playing you like a violin. Please consider reading Larry Wingets “Grow a Pair”.


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## TDSC60

A newly married woman who denies her husband intimacy is getting sex from another man. She went out with another man a month into your marriage. You caught her with another man recently. She disappears for hours.

She cries - you back off. She screams - you back off. She throws things at you - you back off. She threatens to hurt her self - you back off. Can you not see the pattern here? 

Get out while you can.


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## skerzoid

1. It takes a year of separation in Australia before you can divorce. Begin the formal separation now. Then divorce. She has plenty of time to convince you to stay. *Watch her actions not her words.*

2. *Tell the OBS now!* It is the very best way of stopping any affair. Do not ever tell her what you are going to do before you do it. No threats, no ultimatums. *Just do it.*

3. *Why don't you go on long drives where she has to wonder where you are?* 

4. She is doing this while newly married? *Go for an annulment.*

5. *Do not have sex with her.* You get her pregnant and your troubles begin exponentially.

6. *Never beg her for anything,* take action on your own. You are not attractive when you are constantly asking her for action. YOU take action.

7. *Strength, courage, and decisive action.* These are what are attractive to women. You are *NOT* showing these qualities.


----------



## Unknown123

Just an update. I caught her again meeting with the guy. I followed her. It was in a secluded place. I waited till they finished. She was shocked and suprised when she had seen me. The guy took off like no care what's so ever. 

She said to me that she came to end her " friendship " with him. I was like why didn't u just text or call him. And seeing her face after she got out of his car looking upset. (before she seen me) Looked like she did. But the damage was done
It also showed me that she was way in deep with this scumbag then I thought she was. She was devasted of guilt. I left her there while she was crying on guilt. I took off. Called her mom. Told her what happened again. That was that.

Got a call From a family member saying she tried to harm herself again later that night. I said I'm sorry she's not my problem anymore.


----------



## Taxman

Well, call his wife, tell her that her husband is having sex with a mental case. Then GHOST your wife. If she attempts contact, tell her that the only communication you will acknowledge is between your respective attorneys. Let her know that her dirty secret will be told to the entire family, and that ALL of the truth will come out. My SIL kept pulling this on her last husband. (Frankly any man that would want to bed a mentally disturbed amputee is a sick puppy) In a normal situation, the family would gather around the family member, HOWEVER, I could not stand silent and have her do this to the poor shmuck. (Also a mental patient, but a good kind and trusting soul) I assisted him in dissolving the marriage. My SIL was apoplectic, threatened suicide and blamed my wife and myself for the end of her marriage. I looked her in the face, and said your husband was sitting alone in your apartment, while you were down the block at the donut shop, giving random guys BJ's in their cars, so they'd be nice to you! How do you think you treated your husband. He would have never known, she replied. So, tell me, how did it come about that he called us crying that he knew who and what you were doing? HE'S CRAZY, and I replied, so you guys can be crazy apart. She did her normal thing, called an ambulance, and said that she wanted to commit suicide. This time, we intercepted her at the ER, invoked our power of attorney and had her committed for 90 days.


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## niceguy47460

You should tell the other BS asap and file for divorce asap . you can't believe she did break it off and more than likely she is lying to you . if you stay with her you have have to deal with this all of your marriage . best to end the pain now . she will just keep cheating on you . you really need to get out now . you can't trust her anymore .


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## TDSC60

You just turned 30. You have years ahead of you.

You have also learned a valuable, although painful, lesson.


----------



## MattMatt

niceguy47460 said:


> You should tell the other BS asap and file for divorce asap . you can't believe she did break it off and more than likely she is lying to you . if you stay with her you have have to deal with this all of your marriage . best to end the pain now . she will just keep cheating on you . you really need to get out now . you can't trust her anymore .


Unfortunately that is not possible, as you have to be separated for at least one year before you can file for divorce in Australia.

https://www.australia.gov.au/inform...-and-community/relationships/getting-divorced

Though seeking an annulment might be an option worth considering.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

This is completely unsalvageable. There is no reason to follow her further, or have any conversations with her. If only you had a penny for every time she's threatened to harm herself. Your goal should be to keep her calm and out of your hair. If that requires a little deception on your part, so be it. Heck, convince her to move in with her family and remind her that it will allow her to see her boyfriend without you getting in the way. Whatever it takes for her to move on and away. 

Talk to an attorney and find out what your rights are with respect to division of assets, annulment, etc.


----------



## Kamstel

Do NOT walk, RUN to the nearest lawyer and get out of this sham of a marriage!! Yes, she has issues. You can not help her!!! Her family must help her, NOT YOU!!!


----------



## GoldenR

You're only 30. You have a job. You seem to have your **** together aside from the mess with her. 

Once single, you will be a hot commodity, believe me. I was worried I'd be single forever, never have a date, etc. WRONG. I had a ball dating, and I'm having a much better time with my real wife. 

There is life after being on the receiving end of infidelity, and it's awesome! 

Stay the course!


----------



## WorkingWife

Unknown123 said:


> I feel like that is the best option for me and her is to go our own ways but I can't come to terms with it still. I feel like I need more answers but Im not getting them and don't think I ever will


If you are under 30 and don't have children, I would definitely cut your losses. If she DOES have borderline personality disorder? That would be a miserable ride for you if you stay with her. IF she doesn't? She's just a liar.

I understand wanting answers, but you may never get them. The big picture you already understand.

I'm really sorry. But if you leave now, in a few years it will be a distant memory and you could be on track for a great life without her.


----------



## MattMatt

Kamstel said:


> Do NOT walk, RUN to the nearest lawyer and get out of this sham of a marriage!! Yes, she has issues. You can not help her!!! Her family must help her, NOT YOU!!!


Not possible. It will take a year of separation before he can even start a divorce.


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## arbitrator

*She's a self/serving liar and cheater of the nth degree!

Spare yourself the pain and lose her post haste! *


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## michzz

My ex-wife was an undiagnosed person with mental issues. I finally divorced her after so many bizarre and destructive episodes in a 32-year marriage. She cheated to an admitted long-term affair, and with unadmitted to random ones, she infected me with HPV which has led to cancer all these years later. 

She even cheated during our engagement.

90% of this I did not know of until decades had passed.

My mistake (one of many, but this one is important) was that since my dad was a mental health professional I decided that her issues should be treated like any other health issue.

If she broke her leg, help her get better. Cancer? Same answer. Need a kidney? Stand by her.

Have a personality disorder that upends your life and you really cannot fix? Stick by her because it is a health issue.

Bolderdash!!

The lady ruined my life, infected me with an incurable STD, and took precious time from me.

We have two kids who deserved a healthy mother, I deserved a normal wife.

As do you.

It is tragic that she is how she is. However, you have to protect yourself from her craziness. You cannot fix her.

I learned this the hard way and way too late in life.

I'm twice your age and have health issues because of her--cancer treatments, radiation damaged teeth, etc.

Of course, I cannot predict such a fate for you and anyone else. But I think you get my point. The investment of time, money and emotional drama in such people is just flat out not worth it as a marriage partner.


----------



## BluesPower

michzz said:


> My ex-wife was an undiagnosed person with mental issues. I finally divorced her after so many bizarre and destructive episodes in a 32-year marriage. She cheated to an admitted long-term affair, and with unadmitted to random ones, she infected me with HPV which has led to cancer all these years later.
> 
> She even cheated during our engagement.
> 
> 90% of this I did not know of until decades had passed.
> 
> My mistake (one of many, but this one is important) was that since my dad was a mental health professional I decided that her issues should be treated like any other health issue.
> 
> If she broke her leg, help her get better. Cancer? Same answer. Need a kidney? Stand by her.
> 
> Have a personality disorder that upends your life and you really cannot fix? Stick by her because it is a health issue.
> 
> Bolderdash!!
> 
> The lady ruined my life, infected me with an incurable STD, and took precious time from me.
> 
> We have two kids who deserved a healthy mother, I deserved a normal wife.
> 
> As do you.
> 
> It is tragic that she is how she is. However, you have to protect yourself from her craziness. You cannot fix her.
> 
> I learned this the hard way and way too late in life.
> 
> I'm twice your age and have health issues because of her--cancer treatments, radiation damaged teeth, etc.
> 
> Of course, I cannot predict such a fate for you and anyone else. But I think you get my point. The investment of time, money and emotional drama in such people is just flat out not worth it as a marriage partner.


Amen brother, amen. 

People that have not lived the other side of this JUST DO NOT REALIZE what it is like dealing with this stuff. 

OP, you have to listen. 

There is being a nice guy, there is being a good guy and then the is being a Dumb Ass. 

I did everything I could do to help my ex, and in the end, it just helped her steal half of my life. 

You just cannot MAKE someone get better, and, I say from experience, that any one that tries, is a fool....


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

It's not your fault. From info posted you've gone WAY overboard putting up with her foolishness. 

Its obvious from her repetitive actions she doesn't respect you or want you as a husband. 

She's cheated. Don't doubt it.

Do whatever is needed to be legally separated for whatever time is required and save yourself. 

Protect yourself financially while separated. She'll try and wring as much money from you as possible while bumping uglies with someone else whenever she wants.


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## personofinterest

She does not take any responsibility for her choices, and it is obvious her family has fostered this attitude, considering that they are blaming you as well. She has absolutely cheated with at least one man, and her response is histrionics and deflection. Unless she does GIGANTIC amounts of work and seeks treatment, this is your life as long as you are with her. You do not want to spend your life this way, and you do NOT want to raise children in this environment.

Begin the separation process, and go no contact with her. It will feel HORRIBLE for awhile. But then, little by little, you will find that you actually have PEACE without her drama in your life. Take care of YOU.


----------



## michzz

personofinterest said:


> she does not take any responsibility for her choices, and it is obvious her family has fostered this attitude, considering that they are blaming you as well. She has absolutely cheated with at least one man, and her response is histrionics and deflection. Unless she does gigantic amounts of work and seeks treatment, this is your life as long as you are with her. You do not want to spend your life this way, and you do not want to raise children in this environment.
> 
> Begin the separation process, and go no contact with her. It will feel horrible for awhile. But then, little by little, you will find that you actually have peace without her drama in your life. Take care of you.


this!!!


----------



## Unknown123

Hey all. Just a little update. I am back at my parents for good now. I am trying to focus on my self and see where that will take me. I heard she might be going back to work at the same office again, which is proving to me that she checked out a while back and has no care what's so ever. We will need to be in contact at some point to discuss legal options and annulment etc. We will see what happens in the next few weeks/months


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## Mr.Married

Your little update needs to include the fact that you have seen a lawyer. You don't need her permission or options. That fact that you never took the lead and handling all this years ago is
why you are where you are today. This is your new self ...... Your new self is in control and determines the outcome by your own rules and direction. 

You will not "see what happens".......you will be in control of what happens.

Be your new self.

Good job on finally coming to the real situation of things ....... take control, be in control, and determine your own outcome. Be that guy.

Good Luck !!!


Edit: I know it's tough but try not to get hung up on "need to know everything". Your never going to get it and if you do you will still wonder if it is true.
We have all seen this situation play out and it is NEVER NEVER good. You will do nothing but be shopping for pain and there will be plenty of it. Don't take that road!


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## Marc878

If you want long term pain, suffering and drama then you've picked the right woman.

If you're smart you'll start separation and divorce proceedings ASAP.


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## Unknown123

Hi guys. Thanks for your responses again. It is still eating me even though I have no contact with her and blocked her off everything. I have heard from a third party that she wants to give it time and then start from scratch and try work on it like we just meet after she has all her rehab. But I know for me this will forever haunt me and I know I won't be able to deal with it day by day. I am struggling as is. I still think about what she done and why did you go to this point even though we had our problems. I have never ever had the thought of turning to someone else, so I just don't understand. Im trying to erase this from my memory and move on but it is very hard. Even though I am separated from her.


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## Mr.Married

Unknown123 said:


> Hi guys. Thanks for your responses again. It is still eating me even though I have no contact with her and blocked her off everything. I have heard from a third party that she wants to give it time and then start from scratch and try work on it like we just meet after she has all her rehab. But I know for me this will forever haunt me and I know I won't be able to deal with it day by day. I am struggling as is. I still think about what she done and why did you go to this point even though we had our problems. I have never ever had the thought of turning to someone else, so I just don't understand. Im trying to erase this from my memory and move on but it is very hard. Even though I am separated from her.


Yes you are correct. It is very hard. It WILL haunt you for a while. The key ingredient going forward is how you handle it. Every move you make that puts you back
closer to her will only hurt you. Every move you make to create distance and move on will serve you for the better.

She is going to pull out all the heavy tools to get you back .... be prepared for it. Don't believe it!

Whatever you do.....remain separated....continue on that road. 

Your number one priority is to go see a lawyer .... do it while you have resolve and don't get trapped in a bunch of her words. Do it now.

That definitive action will be the exit off the pain highway and the start of the healing process. Until then you are still on the road.

Remember: Be your new self. Be the guy that will take charge of what lays ahead.


----------



## [email protected]

I'll say it again. I'm almost convinced that nearly all cheating should end in divorce. A guy I know triggered all over the place for seven years.He was a mess, and dreadfully unhappy. Things like a piece of an auto part or a whiff of some scent would cause him problems. He finally divorced, even though his WW did everything right trying to R. He remarried and never triggered last time I saw him.


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## jlg07

did you ever expose her actions with this guy to her family, your friends, your family, etc.?
Did you find out if the guy has a wife/gf? If so, expose there. Your wife wants to go out, **** this guy, and then "eventually" come back to YOU when it's out of her system, sure that you will take her back.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

[email protected] said:


> I'll say it again. I'm almost convinced that nearly all cheating should end in divorce.


I couldn't agree more.

When I read the infidelity boards out there, the posts from 'reconciling' BW's just make me cringe. They have their cheaters on such a short leash that it's just downright humiliating for all concerned. One BW was crying the blues about her husband having committed the horrendous _sin_ of giving a ride to a female coworker whose car had broken down and needed a lift to the dealership to pick her car up. Nothing had happened - he'd come home and told her he'd dropped off a coworker on the way home since he drives right by the dealership. Well you should have seen the caterwauling and teeth-gnashing in *that* thread - the supposed wise old sages (who think they're so 'successfully reconciled') jump right on in and and tell the BW that _their_ husbands "aren't allowed to talk to women anymore (even at work), they're not allowed to be alone with women coworkers in the break room or anywhere _else_ at work, they can't give women coworkers a ride even if they're walking along the highway because their car has broken down, and they're not allowed to go to any gatherings after work like Happy Hour where any women at all are present, and on and on and on and on and _*on*_. They advise the BW to lay down those same rules that have been SO successful for them (I'll bet their husbands are following those ridiculous rules!! LOL) and he should happily step right up and comply if he wants to stay married.

Oh my God, that sounds like the 7th Circle of Hell - for the BW as WELL as him. Who the hell needs a man in their life THAT bad that they'd practically *castrate* the guy just to keep him around? So damned pitiful.

Unknown123, is THAT the kind of life you want to live? Be HAPPY you're not living this awful sub-existence of a life, always having to police every damned thing the woman does and every move she makes. That's not a marriage, that's Hell. A cheater simply isn't worth the sweat. One day you'll realize she did you a huge favor shutting you out. You really will.


----------



## sunsetmist

Unknown123 said:


> Hey all. Just a little update. I am back at my parents for good now. I am trying to focus on my self and see where that will take me. I heard she might be going back to work at the same office again, which is proving to me that she checked out a while back and has no care what's so ever. We will need to be in contact at some point to discuss legal options and annulment etc. We will see what happens in the next few weeks/months


Sir, my previous advice still stands. While at your parents, talk to your lawyer and let him talk to her lawyer. You stay away from her--she is unstable, histrionic, and unfaithful. You know this so. Be man enough to do what needs to be done. Be glad you do not have children and please stop second guessing your choices. The kindest thing you can do for her is to let her go and lead the life she has chosen--away from you.


----------



## Dragan Jovanovic

Never speak with her again.


----------



## MattMatt

Could you seek an annulment of the wedding?


----------



## StillSearching

Unknown123 said:


> Hi guys. Thanks for your responses again. It is still eating me even though I have no contact with her and blocked her off everything. I have heard from a third party that she wants to give it time and then start from scratch and try work on it like we just meet after she has all her rehab. But I know for me this will forever haunt me and I know I won't be able to deal with it day by day. I am struggling as is. I still think about what she done and why did you go to this point even though we had our problems. I have never ever had the thought of turning to someone else, so I just don't understand. Im trying to erase this from my memory and move on but it is very hard. Even though I am separated from her.


She has no moral compass. You cannot make her have one.
Look it will not forever haunt you if you get divorced.
Sounds like she wants to have sex with whoever she wants and thinks she has a chance to get you back after she's worn herself out.
DO NOT fall for her trickery. You are in charge of your future. 
Grab hold, run and get outta dodge!


----------



## MattMatt

StillSearching said:


> She has no moral compass. You cannot make her have one.
> Look it will not forever haunt you if you get divorced.
> Sounds like she wants to have sex with whoever she wants and thinks she has a chance to get you back after she's worn herself out.
> DO NOT fall for her trickery. You are in charge of your future.
> Grab hold, run and get outta dodge!


She does have a moral compass but it looks like this:-










When she uses it to run around trying to find the right direction she keeps stabbing herself and other people with it.


----------



## Holdingontoit

My suggestion: play the song "Be Alright" by Dean Lewis over and over. Grab some mates and go out to get drunk. And call a divorce lawyer as soon as you get sober.

The chorus:

And my friend said
"I know you love her, but it's over, mate
It doesn't matter, put the phone away
It's never easy to walk away, let her go
It'll be okay
It's gonna hurt for a bit of time
So bottoms up, let's forget tonight
You'll find another and you'll be just fine
Let her go"


----------



## [email protected]

Unknown, how are you doing?


----------



## CantBelieveThis

Ii it just me or are women prone to desire to rant to friends about issues in their marriage? Am not picking on the gender, just seems like something I hear and read about a lot of times


----------



## TDSC60

CantBelieveThis said:


> Ii it just me or are women prone to desire to rant to friends about issues in their marriage? Am not picking on the gender, just seems like something I hear and read about a lot of times


I have heard just as many men as women rant to friends. 

The difference is that women want sympathy and validation of their feelings more than men. Men just like to gripe.


----------



## StillSearching

CantBelieveThis said:


> Ii it just me or are women prone to desire to rant to friends about issues in their marriage? Am not picking on the gender, just seems like something I hear and read about a lot of times


Women who have a desire to rant to male friends about issues in their marriage,.........well we know how this ends.


----------



## Unknown123

Hi all. Thought id give an update. It's been a while. Still separated and living at parents. It's still hard at times , especially going through those thoughts of why why why. I called her once to try understand why. She was an emotional wreck. Takes blame one second and then also blames others. Also said I made her crazy. She said she hopes we can maybe work it out one day. Other then that haven't heard from her or her family. This was about two months ago. It's hard to move on especially when you have to start over and also got made redundant while this was happening. So it's abit crap but Im a positive person always grateful for life.


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## Mr.Married

Stay the path .... divorce. Don't contact her...no more pain shopping. Sorry to hear about your job. The work world can suck sometimes.

Edit: Thank You for the update !!!


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## Thound

Some people are unfixable. Time to haul ass.


----------



## TDSC60

Unknown123 said:


> Hi all. Thought id give an update. It's been a while. Still separated and living at parents. It's still hard at times , especially going through those thoughts of why why why. I called her once to try understand why. She was an emotional wreck. Takes blame one second and then also blames others. Also said I made her crazy. She said she hopes we can maybe work it out one day. Other then that haven't heard from her or her family. This was about two months ago. It's hard to move on especially when you have to start over and also got made redundant while this was happening. So it's abit crap but Im a positive person always grateful for life.


Has she ever admitted to anything other than just "talking" to other men?


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## Lostinthought61

are you going to file?


----------



## TDSC60

Lostinthought61 said:


> are you going to file?


I think someone mentioned that they have to be separated for one year before he can file. Australia.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Unknown123 said:


> Hi all. Thought id give an update. It's been a while. Still separated and living at parents. It's still hard at times , especially going through those thoughts of why why why. I called her once to try understand why. She was an emotional wreck. Takes blame one second and then also blames others. Also said I made her crazy. She said she hopes we can maybe work it out one day. Other then that haven't heard from her or her family. This was about two months ago. It's hard to move on especially when you have to start over and also got made redundant while this was happening. So it's abit crap but Im a positive person always grateful for life.


Let go of WHY. You will never get the truth, and as long as you cling to the need to know WHY, you will not be able to move forward in a healthy way. It doesnt matter why. 
She hopes maybe you can work it out one day?? Really?? Um, NO. Just stay gone. Getting run over by a train once is more than enough. And stop all contact, no need setting yourself up for more pain, and also she will see you leaving yourself as an option as her plan B.


----------



## TDSC60

The why is simple. Despite all the excuses and accusations she throws out - she did it because she wanted to do it - no thoughts of you or your life together - she just wanted it, so she did it, simple really. That is all you need to understand and move forward.


----------



## Openminded

You'll never get the answers you want. When it comes down to it, she did it because she could. 

Keep focusing on you.


----------



## Marc878

You think it's hard to move on? 

Try staying in this crap.

Drama and craziness is all you're gonna get with her. Did you like it? Want more of it?

You really need to wake up and lay off the hopium pipe.


----------



## Unknown123

TDSC60 said:


> Has she ever admitted to anything other than just "talking" to other men?


She repeatedly denied this and threw a tantrum when pressed on it


----------



## Unknown123

Lostinthought61 said:


> are you going to file?


Have to be separated for a year. To be honest id like to divorce when the time comes. But I need a clear conscious will im doing it and I dont have that at the moment


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## Unknown123

With regards to why. For 6 out of 8 years together I knew she really loved me and would bend over backwards for me. But she had those bpd moments and I had put up with it because I was too tolerant of her behaviour. With regards to this , I had mentioned this to her many times about her behavior towards me , the way she spoke to me when she doesn't like something or when something doesn't go her way, or way she was erratic with my family. She said she's trying to change but it's hard. (this was spoken many times over the years). Nothing had changed. She was having problems at home and wanted to marry. I was hesitant because I knew this was masking the real problems. I had money issues, little work, ( work for myself) . And she used to help me at times. We end up borrowing money for the wedding. She finally got her fathers approvals whom she was not speaking to for a few years. We married, and then both our problems arose again. This time we are living together. Learning to adapt to each others habits, I had no steady work. She would get angry over the stupidest things etc. Then she eventually disconnected From me. Stopped sleeping in our bed. Sex died, No more dinner. Etc. She kept saying she is unhappy etc and that she's trying. She also kept mentioning that it's her and she keeps on hurting people. All this time I thought it was me ( I was not pulling my weight and relying on her at times) because she was telling others about our problems and that she was ready to leave me. At this moment in time. Inside our home she is telling me that it's her. So she's telling others it's me and telling me that it's her. During this time her erratic behaviour was putting me off and I knew she is going somewhere to see someone. You guys know the rest, I eventually caught her. So I keep asking why because Im a loyal type of person and I know she loved me and has a good heart. But then at the same time she thought she wasnt receiving this attention at home from me due to the disconnection and this predator at work preyed on her vulnerablity and she stupidly fell for it.


----------



## Unknown123

Marc878 said:


> You think it's hard to move on?
> 
> Try staying in this crap.
> 
> Drama and craziness is all you're gonna get with her. Did you like it? Want more of it?
> 
> You really need to wake up and lay off the hopium pipe.


I hated the drama and fights, and this put me off Her because she would not listen to my feelings about these. I warned her before we married that if this occurs in marriage we will not last. And here we have reached that point


----------



## Marc878

Unknown123 said:


> But then at the same time she thought she wasnt receiving this attention at home from me due to the disconnection and this predator at work preyed on her vulnerablity and she stupidly fell for it.


The other man may very well be a player but she knew exactly what she was doing. It as a very conscious decision she made. It didn't just happen. 

You could waste a lifetime trying to figure this out. *It's pretty basis. She wanted to.*

Most betrayed spouses will vilify the affair partner More because they don't want to believe their spouse would cheat. Or make excuses so it's easier to take. It takes two to tango.

While the other man is at fault your wife is the main culprit.

You can't fix her but you can let her drag you down with her if you don't wake up to reality


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## Marc878

Don't make the mistake of projecting on her. I love her so she must love me too.

Her actions say different


----------



## maree

It can be hard to let go when you don’t have obvious proof of an affair. Your mind plays tricks on you - while it’s obvious to all of us your wife cheated (and is still cheating) on you, your mind makes excuses. 

Remain strong. I would not reconcile with her. You are darn lucky you don’t have kids with her. If you have kids some day she will be just as manipulative with them and continue cheating and putting you last. 

If you want a happy marriage and kids then do not stay with her. Do not even occupy reconciliation with her in your mind. She is mentally unstable and incapable of having a normal relationship. You cannot have a normal family with that dynamic and even if you don’t want a family, you will never be happy with her.


----------



## [email protected]

I see, Unknown123, that nothing has changed with her since about last Feb. sometime. And it looks like you are accepting her gas lighting and minimizing. You haven't gotten rid of her yet, so, welcome to the meat grinder pal.


----------



## Lostinthought61

loyalty comes at a price, for some it is looking past the person's flaws and accepting them even when you don't agree, in others its swallowing your own self respect in staying with them. Let's be honest here Unknown, you are clearly more invested in this marriage than she is, and she demonstrated that by having an affair...(and please don't minimize he being a predator), by having the affair she clearly told you that this marriage was not more important than her personal happiness. you on the other hand are like Sisyphus who tries to roll the rock up the hill everyday only to see it roll down the hill at night....this perpetual task of saving a marriage by one person will leave you drain, tried and unappreciated. Some day you will realize that cutting your losses early will get you closer to the path in finding someone who truly sees a marriage or at the very least a relationship in the same manner you do.


----------



## TDSC60

Sex with you stopped because she did not want to cheat on her boyfriend or because she could not have sex with two men at the same time - too confusing for her. Both are admissions giving by cheaters to justify not being intimate with their husbands. Nothing new there. Happens all the time.

Bottom line is that she clearly chose the other man over you. It was nothing that you did so stop accepting blame. 

She could have talked to you about her problems but did not.

She could have been honest with you but was not.

You have been, and still are her Plan B. Don't be an option for her any longer. She is having trouble admitting she cheated and you are gone from her life.

As far as the last time you caught her with the other man, he probably told her he had had enough or the drama and that was why she looked so sad when she got out of his car.

None of this is your fault. So stop looking for a reason to blame yourself. Sounds like she only wanted marriage because she thought it would solve her problems, not because she was in love with you.

Have you contacted the other man's wife/partner? If not , you should. They deserve to know what went on (or what is now on again since she is back at work).


----------



## Unknown123

Marc878 said:


> The other man may very well be a player but she knew exactly what she was doing. It as a very conscious decision she made. It didn't just happen.
> 
> You could waste a lifetime trying to figure this out. *It's pretty basis. She wanted to.*
> 
> Most betrayed spouses will vilify the affair partner More because they don't want to believe their spouse would cheat. Or make excuses so it's easier to take. It takes two to tango.
> 
> While the other man is at fault your wife is the main culprit.
> 
> You can't fix her but you can let her drag you down with her if you don't wake up to reality


Im am aware It was Her decision ultimately and was looking for greener pastures because she is thinking that she won't get it from me. I know what I need to do. I just have to find the courage when it arrives to do it.


----------



## Unknown123

Marc878 said:


> Don't make the mistake of projecting on her. I love her so she must love me too.
> 
> Her actions say different


I know she does not feel that way anymore but was just looking at the past and how I felt it really was genuine. We did have flaws and we both put up with each other but she threw the towel in


----------



## TDSC60

Unknown123 said:


> With regards to why. For 6 out of 8 years together I knew she really loved me and would bend over backwards for me. But she had those bpd moments and I had put up with it because I was too tolerant of her behaviour. With regards to this , I had mentioned this to her many times about her behavior towards me , the way she spoke to me when she doesn't like something or when something doesn't go her way, or way she was erratic with my family. She said she's trying to change but it's hard. (this was spoken many times over the years). Nothing had changed. She was having problems at home and wanted to marry. I was hesitant because I knew this was masking the real problems. I had money issues, little work, ( work for myself) . And she used to help me at times. We end up borrowing money for the wedding. She finally got her fathers approvals whom she was not speaking to for a few years. We married, and then both our problems arose again. This time we are living together. Learning to adapt to each others habits, I had no steady work. She would get angry over the stupidest things etc. Then she eventually disconnected From me. Stopped sleeping in our bed. Sex died, No more dinner. Etc. She kept saying she is unhappy etc and that she's trying. She also kept mentioning that it's her and she keeps on hurting people. All this time I thought it was me ( I was not pulling my weight and relying on her at times) because she was telling others about our problems and that she was ready to leave me. At this moment in time. Inside our home she is telling me that it's her. So she's telling others it's me and telling me that it's her. During this time her erratic behaviour was putting me off and I knew she is going somewhere to see someone. You guys know the rest, I eventually caught her. So I keep asking why because Im a loyal type of person and *I know she loved me and has a good heart.* But then at the same time she thought she wasnt receiving this attention at home from me due to the disconnection and this predator at work preyed on her vulnerablity and she stupidly fell for it.


Nope! She did not love you and does not have a good heart. Someone who loves you and has a good heart does not lie to you and have an affair then try to blame it all on you. Not even close.


----------



## Unknown123

maree said:


> It can be hard to let go when you don’t have obvious proof of an affair. Your mind plays tricks on you - while it’s obvious to all of us your wife cheated (and is still cheating) on you, your mind makes excuses.
> 
> Remain strong. I would not reconcile with her. You are darn lucky you don’t have kids with her. If you have kids some day she will be just as manipulative with them and continue cheating and putting you last.
> 
> If you want a happy marriage and kids then do not stay with her. Do not even occupy reconciliation with her in your mind. She is mentally unstable and incapable of having a normal relationship. You cannot have a normal family with that dynamic and even if you don’t want a family, you will never be happy with her.


It is hard especially when I don't have evidence of a PA. My mind goes in circles thinking yes she did and no she didnt. This is still happening even with no contact with her. I am on the path to divorce, I feel like it's going on for ever and I need to get it done so I can be free of it.


----------



## Unknown123

[email protected] said:


> I see, Unknown123, that nothing has changed with her since about last Feb. sometime. And it looks like you are accepting her gas lighting and minimizing. You haven't gotten rid of her yet, so, welcome to the meat grinder pal.


I can only assume she is getting treatment and moving on ( maybe with him) . I have come to terms that she has cheated. But yes the thoughts of us not together so suddenly has not left my mind


----------



## Unknown123

Lostinthought61 said:


> loyalty comes at a price, for some it is looking past the person's flaws and accepting them even when you don't agree, in others its swallowing your own self respect in staying with them. Let's be honest here Unknown, you are clearly more invested in this marriage than she is, and she demonstrated that by having an affair...(and please don't minimize he being a predator), by having the affair she clearly told you that this marriage was not more important than her personal happiness. you on the other hand are like Sisyphus who tries to roll the rock up the hill everyday only to see it roll down the hill at night....this perpetual task of saving a marriage by one person will leave you drain, tried and unappreciated. Some day you will realize that cutting your losses early will get you closer to the path in finding someone who truly sees a marriage or at the very least a relationship in the same manner you do.


You are right about loyalty coming at a price. And what you need to sacrifice to habe loyalty. I thought I had that with her. I am invested because I am not the type of person who thinks marriage is Just a game and I understand it's a lifetime commitment. And there will be adversity and you have to deal with it. She clearly wants an easy path of marriage and with me she had given up after a little adversity. I am on the path but the process here in Australia takes one year and it's eating me. I just want it done with so I don't think about it anymore


----------



## Unknown123

TDSC60 said:


> Sex with you stopped because she did not want to cheat on her boyfriend or because she could not have sex with two men at the same time - too confusing for her. Both are admissions giving by cheaters to justify not being intimate with their husbands. Nothing new there. Happens all the time.
> 
> Bottom line is that she clearly chose the other man over you. It was nothing that you did so stop accepting blame.
> 
> She could have talked to you about her problems but did not.
> 
> She could have been honest with you but was not.
> 
> You have been, and still are her Plan B. Don't be an option for her any longer. She is having trouble admitting she cheated and you are gone from her life.
> 
> As far as the last time you caught her with the other man, he probably told her he had had enough or the drama and that was why she looked so sad when she got out of his car.
> 
> None of this is your fault. So stop looking for a reason to blame yourself. Sounds like she only wanted marriage because she thought it would solve her problems, not because she was in love with you.
> 
> Have you contacted the other man's wife/partner? If not , you should. They deserve to know what went on (or what is now on again since she is back at work).


I believe that she wouldn't sleep with me because of her attachment to the other guy. She was trying to blame it on me by talking about me behind me back to many people ,so when it comes for her to get out she had a reason to. But I caught her out before she could leave and Her plan went up in flames. I can see maybe down the road I could be plan b if she has failed relationships in the future. I hope by then I am with someone else. I have come to terms with no matter what happens in house. There is no reason to cheat. And she did. And I agree that she thought marriage would solve everything which it clearly didn't. The thing is I told her this two years ago. 

From doing a little investigation I think he is not with his partner anymore. I did once send a message but deleted it after 20 mins. I am not sure she saw it but by the looks of things they are not together. I have a suspicious feeling that my he and my ex are together. Her family would not tolerate This if that is the case.


----------



## TDSC60

Unknown123 said:


> *It is hard especially when I don't have evidence of a PA.* My mind goes in circles thinking yes she did and no she didnt. This is still happening even with no contact with her. I am on the path to divorce, I feel like it's going on for ever and I need to get it done so I can be free of it.


She went to a remote, private area where she met her other man. Why not go to the local coffee shop or bar if she only wanted to "talk". 

You saw her change from jeans to a skirt before one of her meetings. A skirt gives much easier access to part of her body than trying to remove jeans. Also a skirt is so much easier to hide the results of a sexual encounter.

You don't have pictures of an actual coupling, but you have plenty of evidence pointing to an affair of a sexual nature. You just need to accept the logical conclusion of the facts you do have.

Stop wondering and accept the obvious fact that she cheated physically.


----------



## alte Dame

If she is BPD, then you have been given a gift. I know it doesn't feel like that, but a committed relationship with a BPD can be like a prison sentence. (Note that I say 'can.') They can turn your life upside down just the way she has done with you. It's like living in a surreal house of mirrors.

You're out. Try hard to stay out. At your age this is a real learning experience; from now on you'll be able to see this dysfunction coming from a mile away and can avoid it.


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## Lostinthought61

well at least you can spend this year working on your self, getting a game plan, and find out what you really want. you might even find someone else in this year...btw that will really piss her off. Her parents can not be happy with this


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## bandit.45

Unknown123 good luck to you. I'm sorry this happened, but you dodged a big bullet. I hope you move on and find a woman worthy of you. 

On a side note, I happen to work with a woman from Sydney who moved to the US about five years ago. She and I were talking one day about marriage and life in general and we shared our stories. Her American husband ditched her shortly after moving here. She was able to bounce back and now has a new man and just obtained her US citizenship. She did say one interesting thing about Australian women: and that is that for the most part they are mostly all a bunch of spoiled, entitled princesses. It's sort of a cultural thing to pander to women in Oz while men are more expendable. Do you find that to be true?


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## colingrant

Not only is she not a candidate for reconciliation, but is also not a candidate for ANYONE at this time. Not even close actually.


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## Unknown123

bandit.45 said:


> Unknown123 good luck to you. I'm sorry this happened, but you dodged a big bullet. I hope you move on and find a woman worthy of you.
> 
> On a side note, I happen to work with a woman from Sydney who moved to the US about five years ago. She and I were talking one day about marriage and life in general and we shared our stories. Her American husband ditched her shortly after moving here. She was able to bounce back and now has a new man and just obtained her US citizenship. She did say one interesting thing about Australian women: and that is that for the most part they are mostly all a bunch of spoiled, entitled princesses. It's sort of a cultural thing to pander to women in Oz while men are more expendable. Do you find that to be true?


The culture here is very superficial and fake. But isn't western civilisation like that these days. Alot of women Here want designer bags shoes etc. Always looking what other people have. Instagram and social media has played a part in this culture. My ex would purchase $500 cloth shoes because it has a designer logo on it, even if she isn't in a position to buy it. I feel that my unsteady work and lack of income may have contributed to her wondering.


----------



## Unknown123

I have texted her to speed up seperation process she was ok with it. Already done her research haha. I also sent some old texts Which I regret sending now about some conversations a few years ago about how I feel like we are not compatible and that I don't want a divorce in future, and her saying we love each to much to divorce and that we will work on our issues. So after I sent her these conversations. Her text back was , not sure what you want from me right now? . I did not reply. I regret sending these but it's done now. So the outcome is that she is accepting to bring separation date forward, just need to be signed off by a few people who are out of the country at the moment, but she is willing to get it done.


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## Lostinthought61

Does it sound like she is taking any responsibility for this?


----------



## Andy1001

Unknown123 said:


> I have texted her to speed up seperation process she was ok with it. Already done her research haha. I also sent some old texts Which I regret sending now about some conversations a few years ago about how I feel like we are not compatible and that I don't want a divorce in future, and her saying we love each to much to divorce and that we will work on our issues. So after I sent her these conversations. Her text back was , not sure what you want from me right now? . I did not reply. I regret sending these but it's done now. So the outcome is that she is accepting to bring separation date forward, just need to be signed off by a few people who are out of the country at the moment, but she is willing to get it done.


You are still hoping that she’s innocent of all your suspicions and that’s why you sent the old texts. You need to understand that she doesn’t care enough about you to work on your marriage. 
She will stay if you turn a blind eye to her cheating with her other man or men.
Can you do this? 
Because she doesn’t want you otherwise.


----------



## Unknown123

Lostinthought61 said:


> Does it sound like she is taking any responsibility for this?


No it doesn't. She won't at all. pride and reputation is all she has to try and save. She will never admit she cheated. She has only admitted that she shouldn't of spoken to "anyone"about our problems. I know she has moved on and I feel like it's with him. She is probably hiding it from her family.


----------



## jsmart

Reading those text must have made her so uncomfortable. You forced her to face her former self in contrast to who she's become. You took a chance on marriage with her because of her words. For a few minutes, she had to think on the time she was so in love with you that she thought you 2 would be able to conquer all and she destroyed that.

Of course, the discomfort won't last long, a cheating woman, will assuage her discomfort with another dopamine hit by giving herself away to another guy that doesn't really give a crap about her.

She detached from you a long time ago, so don't waste your time thinking she's going to have an epiphany and fall to her knees to beg forgiveness. It's not going to happen. In the future, listen to your gut if a woman pulls this on you because the signs were there that this was going on for a long time. For now, just move forward with the D and do not look back.


----------



## Unknown123

Andy1001 said:


> Unknown123 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I have texted her to speed up seperation process she was ok with it. Already done her research haha. I also sent some old texts Which I regret sending now about some conversations a few years ago about how I feel like we are not compatible and that I don't want a divorce in future, and her saying we love each to much to divorce and that we will work on our issues. So after I sent her these conversations. Her text back was , not sure what you want from me right now? . I did not reply. I regret sending these but it's done now. So the outcome is that she is accepting to bring separation date forward, just need to be signed off by a few people who are out of the country at the moment, but she is willing to get it done.
> 
> 
> 
> You are still hoping that she’s innocent of all your suspicions and that’s why you sent the old texts. You need to understand that she doesn’t care enough about you to work on your marriage.
> She will stay if you turn a blind eye to her cheating with her other man or men.
> Can you do this?
> Because she doesn’t want you otherwise.
Click to expand...

I have come to terms with that I know that I cannot return to her. And that I need to bring forward seperation to be finally free of her. I sent them Just as a reminder that for her to see back then that she was saying we will fix things and I love you so much I cant see my self without you. And myself saying I'm worried about our future once we get married because it cannot be like this and we will end up divorced . I know right now she does not care but there will be a time she will look at it with regret. Funny how things have changed. I was the one more worried about our problematic relationship and our future, but I stuck by it, and she was the one saying we will work on it and it will work out because we love each other. But she is the one That ends up giving up and turning to someone else. This is why I kept asking why marry and why cheat. I know she wanted out of her parents house because they were on her back but they just where looking out for her and she hated living with them. But she is back there now that we are not together. Or two that she was too busy looking at everyone else getting married around us and we still weren't when we were together the longest. And three, her supporting me in bad times was too much if a burden on her and as someone said before, women lose respect quickly if that's the case. And she told me that before We split that she doesn't respect me anymore. Four she has bpd and is a loss cause and did not think through what it will be like being married with problems. Or five, she fell out of love and someone else took advantage of the situation. This I believe more because she would tell others that she knows she can get better then me. So in other words she's had enough of me and our situation. 

I believe it's a combination of all. I know I have been told many times Im not going to get the answer of why but I feel like it would give me closure if i heard it directly from her , which I know isn't going to happen


----------



## Unknown123

jsmart said:


> Reading those text must have made her so uncomfortable. You forced her to face her former self in contrast to who she's become. You took a chance on marriage with her because of her words. For a few minutes, she had to think on the time she was so in love with you that she thought you 2 would be able to conquer all and she destroyed that.
> 
> Of course, the discomfort won't last long, a cheating woman, will assuage her discomfort with another dopamine hit by giving herself away to another guy that doesn't really give a crap about her.
> 
> She detached from you a long time ago, so don't waste your time thinking she's going to have an epiphany and fall to her knees to beg forgiveness. It's not going to happen. In the future, listen to your gut if a woman pulls this on you because the signs were there that this was going on for a long time. For now, just move forward with the D and do not look back.


 Yes exactly how I feel. I took a chance with her and I believe her words that it will work out. Being honest I could of done more on my behalf but I just couldn't handle being around her at times and got to comfortable and just ignored her and my own issues. I did not face the music. I do regret that very much. 

I know it was hard for me reading those old texts because I know there was a time when it was genuine between us. 

And I know that she has quickly moved on without hesitation. And it is time for me to do the same


----------



## BluesPower

Unknown123 said:


> Yes exactly how I feel. I took a chance with her and I believe her words that it will work out. Being honest I could of done more on my behalf but I just couldn't handle being around her at times and got to comfortable and just ignored her and my own issues. I did not face the music. I do regret that very much.
> 
> I know it was hard for me reading those old texts because I know there was a time when it was genuine between us.
> 
> And I know that she has quickly moved on without hesitation. And it is time for me to do the same


Brother, good grief... Look, I was not going to post on your thread, maybe I still should not, but I cannot help myself...

You were then, and still are being an doormat for her. Do you understand what that means? Do you really?

Are you grown up enough, man enough, mature enough to understand that you have ALLOWED yourself to be manipulated like a fool the entire relationship with this woman. 

I know that this stuff hurts, I get it, but it is time to man up, LEARN YOUR LESSONS, and grow as a man. 

YOU HAVE NO IDEA IF SHE REALLY LOVED YOU AT ALL... NONE. You are and have been projecting your feelings on this woman the entire time that you have known her. 

It is time to grow up, man up, and tell yourself "I have been a dumbass this entire time". 

Get it, TIME TO GROW UP and learn about life. 

Lots of us have been here, talk to me when you waste 26 years on a woman (half my life BTW). 

You think that did not hurt. 

You have got to get over this foolishness. I know it hurts, but it is time. 

Please listen...


----------



## oldshirt

The book you need to add to your required reading list is Dr Laura Schlesinger's "10 Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives."

You are checking off quite a few of them.


----------



## Unknown123

Hey people. Hope everyone is well. Just wanted to give an update and wanted to ask a question. 

So I've been doing mostly good. Been on a few dates, nothing serious, being more social etc. But I still am getting triggers. Like seeing the WS or OMs vehicle. Not there specific one but same model/color. Or driving by the area I caught them together. It gets annoying at times especially since they are common vehicles. Any advice? Thanks


----------



## Lostinthought61

sometimes the best way of replacing a bad experience with a good one is take control of the narrative…for example

rent the same make of car but go out on a date with someone and have a great time or go to the place you caught them but bring someone you like and make out…only by taping over the imagines in your head with new ones will you be able to desensitize yourself from the make of car or places. The other option is moving away.


----------



## Melrose8888

Unknown123 said:


> Hey people. Hope everyone is well. Just wanted to give an update and wanted to ask a question.
> 
> So I've been doing mostly good. Been on a few dates, nothing serious, being more social etc. But I still am getting triggers. Like seeing the WS or OMs vehicle. Not there specific one but same model/color. Or driving by the area I caught them together. It gets annoying at times especially since they are common vehicles. Any advice? Thanks


Hey there unknown. Great that you are getting out there on a few dates - just don't take dating too seriously at this stage and enjoy the experience!

I can totally relate to your triggers with the vehicles, I had the exact same issue in my early days in CWI. You'll dislike the answer but this one really does just take time. In the end, I found something about those models of car that I found funny, so it forced me to laugh - like, look at the personalized number plate, he must have a small **** or, who the heck would buy one of those, the MPG is shocking. Just something to force a smile.


----------



## Unknown123

Lostinthought61 said:


> sometimes the best way of replacing a bad experience with a good one is take control of the narrative…for example
> 
> rent the same make of car but go out on a date with someone and have a great time or go to the place you caught them but bring someone you like and make out…only by taping over the imagines in your head with new ones will you be able to desensitize yourself from the make of car or places. The other option is moving away.


I like the idea of hiring the car and using that in a positive way. Very smart for you to think of that. Moving away is not an option due to family and friends.


----------



## Unknown123

Melrose thanks for your reply. I will try and do that and see how it does. Her car did make alot of squeaky noises . 😂


----------



## Unknown123

By the way has anyone read womens infidelity by Michelle Langley?


----------



## manfromlamancha

What makes you so sure that she has moved on *WITH *the POSOM ?


----------



## Unknown123

She couldn't resist meeting up with him multiple times even when she had heat on her. She probably still works with him. She is an emotional and unstable person and would be still attached to get her emotional fix.

Doing so behind her family's back


----------



## OutofRetirement

Why would she want to hide it from her family? Because of the cheating or because of who the guy is?


----------



## turnera

Unknown123 said:


> Hey people. Hope everyone is well. Just wanted to give an update and wanted to ask a question.
> 
> So I've been doing mostly good. Been on a few dates, nothing serious, being more social etc. But I still am getting triggers. Like seeing the WS or OMs vehicle. Not there specific one but same model/color. Or driving by the area I caught them together. It gets annoying at times especially since they are common vehicles. Any advice? Thanks


Get these two books and read them to put yourself in a better position for meeting women and not needing her:
No More Mr Nice Guy
Married Man Sex Life Primer


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

manfromlamancha said:


> What makes you so sure that she has moved on *WITH *the POSOM ?


Not to start bagging on ya, but....."Who cares!!!!" The operative word here from so Looong ago was *infidelity and *BPD....(stick a fork in it, it's done!)


I'm glad OP has been working on himself. Just be sure to not let yourself get into your own head too much. She did what she did and end of story. Now you are young and free and full of possibilities. Go make some!

Don't worry about the triggers. They do lessen with time. I found out awhile ago, that by acknowleging the trigger, and calmly stating to myself what THAT was....I would settle down pretty quickly and not let myself get out of hand. Hope it works for you.


----------



## Unknown123

OutofRetirement said:


> Why would she want to hide it from her family? Because of the cheating or because of who the guy is?


Because they would be trying to help her trying to move on. Her close relatives know that I caught seeing a man from work .

Through the beginning till middle stages( when I didn't know she was cheating) I was asking her what was wrong she kept breaking down and saying she doesn't deserve this life or family and that she always hurts people and deserves nothing (guilt and shame) so she knew what she was doing was wrong but couldn't resist. So when I caught her, she kept going to see the OM. She was lying to my face and her family. So I see no reason for her to change any of that whilst I'm out of her life.


----------



## Unknown123

BarbedFenceRider said:


> manfromlamancha said:
> 
> 
> 
> What makes you so sure that she has moved on *WITH *the POSOM ?
> 
> 
> 
> Not to start bagging on ya, but....."Who cares!!!!" The operative word here from so Looong ago was *infidelity and *BPD....(stick a fork in it, it's done!)
> 
> 
> I'm glad OP has been working on himself. Just be sure to not let yourself get into your own head too much. She did what she did and end of story. Now you are young and free and full of possibilities. Go make some!
> 
> Don't worry about the triggers. They do lessen with time. I found out awhile ago, that by acknowleging the trigger, and calmly stating to myself what THAT was....I would settle down pretty quickly and not let myself get out of hand. Hope it works for you.
Click to expand...

 Thanks for the support. Really appreciate It. The worst thing I am really worried about is her making up and exaggerating certain things about me. She is that kind of person. She was shaming me before and still shaming me now. I still hear it from other people. She is finger pointing and I don't want her exaggeration to ruin my future possibilities.


----------



## MattMatt

Unknown123 said:


> Hey people. Hope everyone is well. Just wanted to give an update and wanted to ask a question.
> 
> So I've been doing mostly good. Been on a few dates, nothing serious, being more social etc. But I still am getting triggers. Like seeing the WS or OMs vehicle. Not there specific one but same model/color. Or driving by the area I caught them together. It gets annoying at times especially since they are common vehicles. Any advice? Thanks


NLP techniques can be helpful here. Other members have reported success with them, one when he saw a video of his wife and her lover having sex.


----------



## turnera

Unknown123 said:


> Thanks for the support. Really appreciate It. The worst thing I am really worried about is her making up and exaggerating certain things about me. She is that kind of person. She was shaming me before and still shaming me now. I still hear it from other people. She is finger pointing and I don't want her exaggeration to ruin my future possibilities.


I would send out a timeline of what happened to all your family and friends. Not a condemning one, just an informational one. "Folks, I know you've all been talking about our situation, so here's the details: On XX/XX, wife met up with ABC and has seen him 15 times since then. That's why we are divorcing."


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## jlg07

Also, if you know specifics of what she is telling folks that are lies, correct them right away. YOU own your reputation, not her.


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