# She wants to leave, but won't



## Simple_Guy (Jan 8, 2013)

I've been married to my wife for 13 years. We married very young; we used to be a very tight couple and spent a lot of time together and as young adults/teenagers that we were our hormones usually got the best of us until one day we got pregnant. She dropped out of high school as I started working part time jobs to support us while I attended college. Those were very difficult times and there were moments when we both wondered why we were together, but we weathered the storm and made into much better and happier times. 

I graduated college several years ago with a BS and an MS in engineering and currently have a stable and well-paying job. She, on the other hand, has refused to continue her education. For many years since she dropped out of school I have tried to convince her to get her GED and go to college. I understand her reason for dropping out and I recognize that I carry half the blame; she has taken care of our children well and has performed as a housewife ever since we married and I thank her for that, but she uses that as an excuse to accept and defend the status quo. Our circumstances in life are such that she doesn't speak English and has refused to learn it too. She didn't learn to drive when she was a teenager and she has not made any attempt to learn either. She has never had a job, and yes you guessed it, she doesn't want one either. All the decisions made at home are made by me. I always ask for her opinion and feelings about things, but most times she only agrees with me. The rare occasions when she speaks her mind against my suggestions I would ask for her reasoning behind her thoughts (that's my nature as an engineer) but she ALWAYS reverts back to my initial suggestion saying that she might have been wrong. 

These circumstances have made us a different couple. It's been very difficult and frustrating for me to not have a partner to brainstorm life's difficulties or to rely on for the day-to-day duties such as managing finances, grocery shopping, dealing with the kids' school, making phone calls, taking the kids to the doctor, etc. Our friends too have to be selected from the few who speak her language (and mine as I can speak both). I nonetheless have accepted this as my challenge in life and made it work thus far. On the bright side, she had always been there for me as my emotional support. She was that rock that I leaned on. She loved me and I loved her. I have always been willing to trade all the negatives because she was the one who loved me. I adjusted my life to take her into account as best as I thought was right such as not going out if she's not part of the group, getting her the things she needs, taking her to places, etc. I almost never go out by myself or with friends.

Recently, however she has drifted away from me and kept me at arms length. She hides behind her laptop doing things online from the moment she wakes up until she goes to bed very late at night (3-4am). When I've confronted her about the time she spends on the computer she claims that this is her only way of communication and that I should be mindful of that. I do not know what she does online, but she assures me that she chats with friends on Facebook and such, but when I approach her she quickly closes whatever windows she has open on the screen. Sometime she goes even beyond and locks herself in a room. This bothers me a lot, but when I've asked her to stop doing it she gets mad at me and tells me that I'm a controlling person and that I should respect her privacy. As part of this "privacy" she has password-protected her accounts even as we shared accounts without trouble for most of our marriage.

To make things worse, the hardships in life compounded and made me fell into a deep depression, the worse in my life. When I looked up to her for help, she abandoned me (emotionally) stating that this was my problem and that I needed to find the way out by myself. This was hard. Very hard. Even as I sobbed like a baby and implored her to help me she stood her ground in front of me with a straight face.

I've felt abandoned and betrayed. I have approached her to talk things over, but her facial expressions show frustration the moment I approach; her smile fades as she turns her gaze from the screen to me. She has given me the cold shoulder many times with statements like "that's none of your business", "it's not my problem", "I don't have to give you that information" etc. I don't know how to talk to her anymore and thus we're now strangers.

In the little we've talked she has expressed her desire to leave me. As I come out of my depression I find this idea very attractive. I can't seem to cope with the idea of sharing the good times to come with the one person who abandoned me when the times got tough. She served a very important role in my life, but she quit. The problem is, she needs me. She can't leave because she doesn't have anywhere to go; she can't drive; she can't speak or understand sufficient English; and without an income she can't provide for herself. I have offered her some financial support, but I can't fully support her: we have an underwater mortgage, debt to the eyebrows, and a child who has a life-threatening medical condition. I will not leave either. My children depend on me for just about everything and I will not abandon them.

As I put many of the pieces together I suspect she is having an e-affair, but I really don't know. She denies it (of course). This whole ordeal is testing my patience. I feel she is now using me only as a source of comfort and safety: we don't talk beyond the basics, I've fully taken over many of the housewife duties, and sex is way out of the question (we sleep in different rooms too). As the only source of income in our home I provide all the needs and luxuries that she enjoys while she explores her private adventures online.

She has her story too, she says that I am a very controlling man and that she feels alone. I really don't know how to measure the "controlling" part, but if making decisions alone with a submissive wife who won't speak her feelings is being controlling, then yes I am that 10 times over. If she feels alone, well maybe that's my fault. My role as a husband is to be there for my wife and perhaps I haven't done that job as well as I'd like to say. So I'm not perfect. I studied to be an engineer and not a husband, I'm learning the latter as I go, but without feedback it's very darn hard to know what works and what doesn't.

She wants to leave, but she won't because she can't. I'm just about ready to force her out if she keeps using me as the idiot husband who finances her e-affair. I don't know what laws I'd break if I kick her out, which I don't even know how I would do (I'm not the violent type). I'm ready to file for divorce and I intend to keep my children; I will fight tooth and nail for them to the bitter end.

Any comments or suggestions are well appreciated. Thank you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old were the two of you when she first got pregnant and dropped out of high school?

A very high percentage of marriages that start before a women is 25 and/or a man is 30 end in divorce.

Add to that, when one spouse obtains education far above the other spouse the divorce rate is about 98%.

I think that you are smart enough to figure out why. You are living it.

She is most likely having at least what you are calling an e-affair. If it has stayed on the internet, then we call that an emotional affair. But it might have gone physcial. You are not with her 24/7.

What state do you live in? It would help to know in giving you input.

You could put a keylogger on the computer she uses to find out what she's doing online.

Does she have a cell phone? If so check the texts. Look at the phone bill and see if there is a number she is calling and texting a lot.

I think that finding out what is going on with her is your first step.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, you are not willing to find out what she is up to so you have two choices.

Stay with her regardless of what she is doing.

Leave her regardless of what she is doing.

Make the choice based on what do know right now. What you know right now is that you do not want to be married to her. Perhaps the answer is for you to file for divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Something just came to mind.

When it became clear to me that my husband was cheating and using the internet for communications I told him one day that he had a choice. Either he give me the login name/password and permission to access to all of his accounts right there on the spot or I was filing for divorce. Further, if he deleted anything before I had a chance to see what was in his accounts it was divorce as well. If he refused to do this then I could only assume that he was cheating.

He gave me the access.. and yes he was cheating. The emails and other info in his accounts made that more than clear.

That's a more direct way to handle it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Turn off internet access in your house. Keep it on your phone and maybe an ipad so that YOU have access when you need it. Internet is a luxury that you pay for and it's intended for your "fully engaged" family. So stop footing the bill for her to have access.


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## Simple_Guy (Jan 8, 2013)

EleGirl,

Thanks for your responses.

Recently the rules of my relationship have changed drastically and I'm trying to adjust. Usually I would be patient and wait until the information is volunteered or I could just ask and then we would talk things over. Those rules are clearly not applicable anymore and I'm figuring out how to react.

I would definitely like to know what's going on. I have not been forceful about it yet even though it's been very tempting. I have asked her to stop and I even accused her of cheating to which she got upset and dismissed that as a baseless claim. I have been tempted to just search her laptop, but now that I'm thinking court I don't know how that could be used against me. In the case of a legal battle I'm sure she would depict me as a controlling man (that's what she describes me as the most). In reality I do have control of just about everything at home since she conceded that to me by default. I could easily shut down the internet, trip the breakers, stop the phone, and leave her isolated, but then I would certainly become the man she says I am. I am not that.

I guess one of my problems now is not knowing the new boundaries and how I'm supposed to behave with the woman whom I respected for many years. I really wish she would just leave as she said not too long ago.

We live in Virginia, I have no idea what the law would do with regards to alimony and child custody. Any advice on this would help.

Also, we were both under 25 when we married and for many years we fought the negative statistics, but I guess those are catching up to us now. She has a prepaid cell phone to which she doesn't receive a paper call log, but I pay the credit card that she uses to load minutes and at least I know she's not making many or lengthy calls. She uses Google voice on her laptop to text and snooping into that is beyond me. The easiest method would be to ask her to surrender her passwords like you suggested.

I'm thinking what I need to do is to cut to the chase and lay down my terms for reconciliation or divorce. First she needs to stop using that darn computer, recognize the damage she has done and apologize, then she needs to stop being a f**ing burden and find a job and turn from a taker to a giver. What else sounds good?


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## Simple_Guy (Jan 8, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Turn off internet access in your house. Keep it on your phone and maybe an ipad so that YOU have access when you need it. Internet is a luxury that you pay for and it's intended for your "fully engaged" family. So stop footing the bill for her to have access.


WorkingonMe,

I did shut down the internet for one day some time ago. I manage the router and can easily grant or deny access to any device on the network. When I did this she was outraged, her face clearly showed hate and she was trying hard to hold back, but she managed to attack me by forcefully pushing on my face.

To this day I am in disbelief that I found her weakness to be something so darn stupid and unnecessary.

At the end of that day I decided to grant her access again since I wasn't prepared to explain to my teenage daughter why her mom was being reprimanded like that.

As I read what I'm typing I can see myself being overly nice and weak. Thanks for your comment, it helped me think about this more clearly.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Simple_Guy said:


> EleGirl,
> I would definitely like to know what's going on. I have not been forceful about it yet even though it's been very tempting. I have asked her to stop and I even accused her of cheating to which she got upset and dismissed that as a baseless claim. I have been tempted to just search her laptop, but now that I'm thinking court I don't know how that could be used against me. In the case of a legal battle I'm sure she would depict me as a controlling man (that's what she describes me as the most). In reality I do have control of just about everything at home since she conceded that to me by default. I could easily shut down the internet, trip the breakers, stop the phone, and leave her isolated, but then I would certainly become the man she says I am. I am not that.


This where knowing the state you live in becomes important. Most states are no-fault. The court will not pay any attention to things like accusation of who did what to whom. As long are you are completely honest and open in financial disclosure, etc. the court does not care. She’s a big girl. She’s home all day long. She can come and go as she pleases. You do not control her.

Searching her laptop is completely legal. You maintain the computer equipment in your home right? “Her” laptop probably actually belongs to both of you right now as its community property. You have every legal right to open and read every file on the laptop she is using.

I found it very informative to search the c: and d: drives for words like “gmail”, my husband’s name, and other names/words I now pertain to his on-line social life. I found all kinds of stuff. For example gmail often leaves files on the computer with the content of emails in them. Doing this is 100% legal. It’s an activity completely different than installing a key logger.



Simple_Guy said:


> I guess one of my problems now is not knowing the new boundaries and how I'm supposed to behave with the woman whom I respected for many years. I really wish she would just leave as she said not too long ago.
> We live in Virginia, I have no idea what the law would do with regards to alimony and child custody. Any advice on this would help.


It’s a good idea for you to see an attorney to get an idea of your legal rights and how to start to prepare for divorce. There are things you can do to protect yourself. And at some point you might feel the need to file yourself if things keep spiraling out of control. 

Virginia Spousal Support (Alimony) FAQs | divorcenet.com

The above says not spousal support in Virginia if there is adultery. You really need to talk to an attorney. Google ‘Virginia Divorce Law’ and read everything you can find until you get the info you need. There are also books available on sites like amazon.com for divorce in each state.

Amazon.com: virginia divorce

File for Divorce in Maryland, Virginia or the District of Columbia, 2E (Legal Survival Guides) by Michael Callahan and James Gross (May 1, 2006)

File Your Own Virginia Divorce by Michael Callahan and James Gross (Feb 22, 2012) $7.99Kindle Purchase


What You Need to Know Before Your File for Divorce in Virginia by Michael Callahan and James Gross (Feb 23, 2012) $1.99Kindle Purchase




Simple_Guy said:


> Also, we were both under 25 when we married and for many years we fought the negative statistics, but I guess those are catching up to us now. She has a prepaid cell phone to which she doesn't receive a paper call log, but I pay the credit card that she uses to load minutes and at least I know she's not making many or lengthy calls. She uses Google voice on her laptop to text and snooping into that is beyond me. The easiest method would be to ask her to surrender her passwords like you suggested.


Why does she have a pre-paid cell phone? Those tend to be very expensive. Give her a gift of a new fancy phone that you can get logs for. Although you might not want to do this if you are just going to get a divorce. Let her handle her own cell bill.


Simple_Guy said:


> I'm thinking what I need to do is to cut to the chase and lay down my terms for reconciliation or divorce. First she needs to stop using that darn computer, recognize the damage she has done and apologize, then she needs to stop being a f**ing burden and find a job and turn from a taker to a giver. What else sounds good?


I agree that this might be your best bet. Just ask for her to either rejoin the marriage and fix things or get a divorce.

Would she be interested in going to school to get some kind of job training? It does not sound like she would be interested in anything academic. Maybe hair dressing? Something that will get her a skill that she can use for a job that pays above minimum wage. She could take English classes as well since she will need to know it to get a job in most places.


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## Simple_Guy (Jan 8, 2013)

Thanks for your advice and suggestions. I really don't feel the need to search her computer or spy on her after all.

Monday she asked me to take her to Wal-mart to get some hair dye. I had to pick up medication for my son so i let her ride with me. At the store we went our separate ways but when she came out she didn't have any dye. Another funny thing that I noticed is that she has been having the need to throw up unexpectedly. Today I had the audacity to search our garbage can for a pregnancy test. I did find it. And yes, she is pregnant.

So the sky is certainly falling. I will consult with an attorney soon because I may need to sue the urologist who performed the vasectomy on me. He made sure that I didn't procreate by intercourse, but apparently now I have the powers to impregnate by telepathy!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Simple_Guy said:


> Thanks for your advice and suggestions. I really don't feel the need to search her computer or spy on her after all.
> 
> Monday she asked me to take her to Wal-mart to get some hair dye. I had to pick up medication for my son so i let her ride with me. At the store we went our separate ways but when she came out she didn't have any dye. Another funny thing that I noticed is that she has been having the need to throw up unexpectedly. Today I had the audacity to search our garbage can for a pregnancy test. I did find it. And yes, she is pregnant.
> 
> So the sky is certainly falling. I will consult with an attorney soon because I may need to sue the urologist who performed the vasectomy on me. He made sure that I didn't procreate by intercourse, but apparently now I have the powers to impregnate by telepathy!


Oh Lordy, no end to the surprises.

Yes you do need to check with an attorney. In many states a child born into a marriage is considered the husband's legal child. Hence the husband is stuck with 18 years of child support. 

Paternity test can be done now using blood taken from the mother. Hopefully establishing that you are not the father early will help you get our to range from the paternity bullet. 

You might have a vasectomy but I have heard that sometimes they are botched. 

I guess she has not told you her news.

What are your plans now? I hope you will be seeing an attorney very soon, and not to sue a urologist.


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## Simple_Guy (Jan 8, 2013)

EleGirl,

You clearly missed my sarcasm. Whether my vasectomy works or not is irrelevant; we haven't had intercourse for a long time (thus my telepathy comment.)

The truth came out tonight. She admitted to be pregnant, and WE know who the father is (all 4 of us know). Hint: it's not me.

She needs to leave asap. First, I cannot see her without feeling disgust. Second, the cheated wife will harm her if she gets close enough. Third, there is no third.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Simple_Guy said:


> EleGirl,
> 
> You clearly missed my sarcasm. Whether my vasectomy works or not is irrelevant; we haven't had intercourse for a long time (thus my telepathy comment.)
> 
> ...


Yes I did miss your sarcasm.... 

Geez...

Do see an attorney asap to make sure you are do not end up the legal father and thus have to pay child support.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When she leaves, are your children staying with you? I'd insist on that.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

Simple_Guy said:


> EleGirl,
> 
> You clearly missed my sarcasm. Whether my vasectomy works or not is irrelevant; we haven't had intercourse for a long time (thus my telepathy comment.)
> 
> ...


She met up with the man online? Makes sense why she wanted to leave...she had something already lined up on the side.

So sorry to hear this unfortunate turn of events.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yep, get her the hell out of your house. How she copes isnt your problem. The kids obviously stay with you, you are their provider. What a master manipulator she is. I am so sorry you are going through this, makes me want to puke.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Wow! What did/does she have to say for herself? You are so much better off that she'll be gone.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Whatever you do do not allow her to manipulate you back to her with sex. Do not let her cuckold you. Get out now. Once she sees her plan A slipping from her grasp she will try to get you back in a panic using whatever means she can.


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## Simple_Guy (Jan 8, 2013)

Thanks all for your comments.

Things are not faring well up till now, but I have my first appointment with an atorney in a few days.

I really have conflicted feelings and don't know how to react. When I discovered that she was pregnant she first denied it, but she could only do that for 30 seconds since I got her walking out of the bathroom after throwing up for no reason and I had the pregnancy test in my hand. I saw her face turn to anguish in a split of a second, but my feelings went from anger to feeling sorry for her, after all I have cared for her and protected her for 14 years. It's been hard for me to deal with the situation.

That same night, the guy's wife called. My soon-to-be-ex-wife came to me saying that the other woman threatened her and her (my) children over the phone and begged me to protect her. My reaction was certainly to protect my kids, whether directly or indirectly; by that I mean that I couldn't even consider the possibility of the children seeing their mom be harmed badly. So we talked about it for a few minutes and I demanded that first she needed to stop talking to her lover, but she couldn't agree with that. Then I told her that I could only stop the other woman if I were there when she showed up, and that the cops could be too late by the time it all happened. I asked her to leave town and go with her parents; she agreed to go to a friend's house instead. I thought this was also good for us since she needed time to think over what she had done and I needed time to assimilate the situation.

I looked up ways for her to travel and found that the most economical method was by rail. She was to leave in the morning since it was already late at night. She finalized the transaction herself (using my credit card of course). As all of this is happening she is on the phone talking to her girlfriend (the one she's going to move-in with) and I can obviously hear her conversation; she made no attempt to hide it or even whisper on the phone. As I'm helping her she is planning how she's going to divorce me and how she's going to take the kids with her and get alimony and child support. I put a stop to that by disconnecting the phone and restricting internet access. At that point she started packing.

After a sleepless night I got up in he morning and started getting my 5yr old ready for school; I groomed him and fed him. When I was almost ready to take him out to the bus stop she came and stood right in front of me and with a cool and challenging look on her face she said "you know, I'm not leaving". At that point I lost my cool and yelled at her and pulled her by the hair and threw her on to her bed. In my head I truly believed that my kids were in danger and this shameless woman obviously doesn't care about me and the safety of her children. All she cares about is how comfortable she has to be and that all the responsibilities are someone else's.

I know I acted wrong. It really is the first time I lose control like that, but fortunately I regained it right away. It was too late though. She had already screamed to my daughter ordering her to dial 911, and she did. Several minutes later I was handcuffed and in the back of a police car. I was in jail all morning long and was let go with a restraining order. Now I cannot go home nor have any contact with my wife and consequently I can't see or talk to my children. I risk being thrown in jail if I try.

The whole ordeal is very difficult for me at the moment. Most of my friends offered me their support when the whole thing became known, but I haven't heard from most of them afterwards. This is the moment when I know who is really there for me, and thus far I can say that I have one true friend who has checked up on me, offered all he can offer, and delivered. I made the right decision in choosing him as my best man at my wedding. 

Thanks all for your comments. It's been helpful to type my story and have people offer support.

For those who are religious (I am), please pray for me.


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## Simple_Guy (Jan 8, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Whatever you do do not allow her to manipulate you back to her with sex. Do not let her cuckold you. Get out now. Once she sees her plan A slipping from her grasp she will try to get you back in a panic using whatever means she can.


WorkingonMe,

I cannot just get out of the house. The children depend on me almost entirely. Remember that she can't drive and she can't communicate in English, thus she can't go buy groceries, take them to the doctor if needed, pick them up from school when necessary, she can't carry a conversation over the phone, she can't pay the bills, etc. She doesn't have a high school diploma and she doesn't have any work experience, so she can't just go out and find a job. Her purpose in my life was to be my emotional support, but she renounced that without a hick up.

It is SHE who needs to leave, but she won't. I will discuss that with my lawyer during my initial consultation.


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## Simple_Guy (Jan 8, 2013)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> Wow! What did/does she have to say for herself? You are so much better off that she'll be gone.


She said that we share the blame because when a marriage fails it's the couple's fault. I suppose that in a philosophical way she is right, somewhere along our marriage I must have stopped meeting her emotional needs. But she hasn't admitted her fault, and to my knowledge she hasn't apologized to anybody. She even wondered why "nobody understands her."

As I type my story I'm focusing on the things I've done for her and what she has done for me. I realize that she fulfilled my emotional needs very well and that I willingly overlooked all her faults because she loved me (I thought). This is my definition of the responsibilities of a husband, and I tried hard to do my part.

Now that she doesn't play the part of a supporting wife I see clearly that she is no more than a burden. Yes, I agree that I will be better of without her.


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## Simple_Guy (Jan 8, 2013)

jameskimp said:


> She met up with the man online? Makes sense why she wanted to leave...she had something already lined up on the side.
> 
> So sorry to hear this unfortunate turn of events.


Did I not mention one of the most important details? They didn't meet online. The guy once called himself my best friend. His wife and my wife were excellent friends too. I have welcomed him and his family into my house. My daughter and his daughter are best friends too. My parents and siblings know him and his family. We've met his sisters and often spend time with one of them and her husband since they live nearby. I trusted him like I never trusted someone else. Neither he nor my disgusting wife had any respect for all of our families including their daughters' friendship.

I am terribly hurt.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SG

You have every right to be terribly hurt. But no right to be stupid.

Getting violent, thrown in jail and now out of the house is not the right way to protect your children.

I know it happens but you have to be better than that..

Your wife could have divorced you. It is simple as that. Her affair and her pregnancy are on her. Those were her choices. You nor your actions did not cause her to fall on a guys **** and get pregnant.

The marriage issues can always be fixed. But infidelity and a pregnancy cannot be just fixed.

Have you spoken to your wifes parents?

Do your friends know what has transpired as far as your wifes infidelity and pregnancy by the OM?

Make sure his wife knows your friend impregnated her!!!

See your attorney and make a plan.

HM64


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## Simple_Guy (Jan 8, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> SG
> 
> You have every right to be terribly hurt. But no right to be stupid.
> 
> ...


Yes' I admit that my actions were stupid. I stopped thinking and reacted on adrenaline alone. This will surely come back and haunt me.

Our friends know. I also spoke with my mother inlaw; she is heart broken.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I am sure you both are heart broken.

I bet your wife is too!

She has made some really bad decisions lately and it seems they keep getting worse.

I hope your shock and anger have subsided.

Work through your attorney and protect your kids as best you can.

HM64


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