# My husband says im controlling for not letting him cheat



## Treadingwater (Jul 26, 2013)

My husband of 8 years was a virgin when we married. Over time he has become progressively more obsessed with the idea of sleeping with another woman - just once to see what it is like. Our sex life was amazing when we first met, but 2 kids later we have slowed down a little (still 4-5 times a week). I felt comfortable with the quantity of sex but no he says he wants marathon sex sessions. He watches porn and masturbates about 3 times a day also but he is obsessed with sex (the porn and masturbating do not bother me at all).

He also brings up swinging, sex clubs, sex shows to see if i would be interested. I know i am not comfortable with sex outside of marriage and made this very clear before we got married.

He says he would never cheat so will only do it with my permission. I feel like i am in a loose/loose situation. Do i let him do it once an hope that's the end of it (knowing it might be something i cant get passed) or stop him and have him obsess himself to the point of cheating. He brings it up about 10 times a week. Where does it stop, if i let him do it once will he just start obsessing about 3somes, different girls etc... aagh

We have an otherwise fantastic marriage, home life but just keep going round and round on this one issue which neither of us can get past - I need help!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm currently in a relationship with my SO, and I'm a card-carrying sex club member. So I feel a bit qualified to throw in my $0.02 worth.

Don't do it. It only works if both partners are really gung-ho on the idea, and even then it's risky. If one partner is just going along with the idea because they're coerced, it's likely to blow up majorly. Instead, invest the time and money into some form of counseling or therapy for the two of you.

And if he wants to throw out the "controlling" label, tell him that he's trying to manipulate you with guilt.

One thing you could try to is some role-playing. Get some wigs, some slvtty dresses, etc. Get him to go out to a bar, and you two can pick each other up. Then a romp in a hotel room.

Do you guys get away for kid-free holidays? Something else to consider... A trip away when you only leave the hotel room for a bite to eat or something...

And finally, your husband may want to consider some individual help... 3x a day, plus sex 4 or 5 times a week? Something's gotta give!

Finally, I will say that of the times we've been to a sex club, roughly half the time we've "played" with other people. The other half, we've just enjoyed each other. We've never felt any pressure to do something we weren't prepared to do. But frankly, I wouldn't trust your husband to not pressure you to do something you didn't want to do... I'd trust all the other people in the club first.

C


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## Treadingwater (Jul 26, 2013)

Thanks for your comments. It nice to know im not the only one. We do make time for ourselves as a couple, we go out to dinners, shows and have about 5 weekends away from the kids a year. We have also been lucky enough to have at least 1 holiday a year without the kids also. 

The thing is, im not a prude, I try pretty much anything he asks for quite willingly but i think this is a jump i dont think i am comfortable making. My husband is quite open about the fact he has a problem, we just cant find a mutually acceptable way to deal with it


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Having sex with my wife is an awful lot like having sex with other women except it doesn't involve homicide. Every woman on earth comes equipped pretty much as you are. Does he think he's going to find one with a joy buzzer surgically installed in her vagina?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

You must be weary of that quickly at 10x/ week. Might I ask the reason he remained a virgin until marriage that is not now a good enough reason for monogamy?

Swinging only works if both people in the relationship want to do it. Otherwise it is a marriage breaker. You are in a tough situation! I might want to punch him in the face.


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## Treadingwater (Jul 26, 2013)

The virginity was not by choice, more nerdy nervousness with girls - which he believes is what made him so obsessed in the first place as he built it up in his head so much the only way is down


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## Treadingwater (Jul 26, 2013)

Oops, sorry to clarify he was a virgin when we met - that was well and truly sorted by the time we were married


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Treadingwater said:


> My husband of 8 years was a virgin when we married. Over time he has become progressively more obsessed with the idea of sleeping with another woman - just once to see what it is like. Our sex life was amazing when we first met, but 2 kids later we have slowed down a little (still 4-5 times a week). I felt comfortable with the quantity of sex but no he says he wants marathon sex sessions. He watches porn and masturbates about 3 times a day also but he is obsessed with sex (the porn and masturbating do not bother me at all).
> 
> He also brings up swinging, sex clubs, sex shows to see if i would be interested. I know i am not comfortable with sex outside of marriage and made this very clear before we got married.
> 
> ...



When you guys got married and had the 2 kids, the last thing he should be wanting to do, is sleep with another woman!!!

Sex in the beginning was crazy and now after 2 kids, its still 4 - 5x week? WOW. You're an awesome woman because most ladies after having 2 kids wouldn't have the energy, time or desire.

But he still wants marathon sex? 3+ times a day??

Your hubby is definitely very high sex drive (HD) and I would say you have a healthy normal sex drive and even after having 2 kids, still healthy normal sex drive.

All those extra sexual things he wanted to do, he should of done before getting married and not after being married.

If he still wants to sleep with another woman and do those extra things, I would consider marriage counseling and if that doesn't help, divorce him. Sounds like he will sleep with another woman sooner or later and what that very high sex drive of his, its a ticking time bomb.

Is there some porn he loves? Find out what it is and surprise him by doing it.

I don't know what else to say besides he needs a cold bath.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Treadingwater...you have a fella who didn't get to "sew his wild oats" prior to getting married. He basically thinks there is something out there he might be missing...he doesn't know because he has never been with another women. Unfortunately the porn has a lot of fantacy in it and it is probably fueling some of that....at least it did for my husband. We were both each others firsts. He just knew he was missing something also....he eventually did cheat on me. Had a one week affair....caught him...he was an idiot! It wasn't worth it... he discovered he had what he wanted all along standing right next to him (me)....he just thought he wanted a fantacy...that's all it was something he couldn't have so he thought he had to have it. I wish I had an answer for you...but I will tell you 10 yrs later my husband would give just about anything to go back and undo the mistake he made. He has never really been able to forgive himself for betraying me. He also regrets the fact that it was always special that we were always each others only lovers....we lost that. I pray he doesn't do this.....there is a price to your relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your husband sounds like a complete idiot who is hell bent on screwing up his life and will inevitably find out that with you he had it great.

First of all, every cheater in the world is someone who would never cheat and someone who will always tell their wife they would never cheat. So his verbal reassurance to you is not worth the paper it's written on.

Second of all, he was denined "nothing".... He is a grown man and made his choice to marry you and forego sex with other women. A man takes ownership of his choices. In fact, I'm really suprised you can maintain sexual attraction to a man who cannot own his choices, since obsessing about "what might have been" is not a masculine trait.

If you are having sex 4-5 times a week then he has a statistically miniscule chance of finding a better sex life with another woman or being single...

Personally in your shoes I would tell him that you are a great wife, you will never ever agree to this, and if you ever catch him cheating you will divorce him. I would tell him that he needs counseling to help him understand why his view on marital sex, and it's importance as an intimate bond between a husband and wife is so badly screwed up.... 

And tell him he has to stop bringing it up any more.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

4-5 times a week(with kids no less !!!) and he wants to be with other women !

Tell him to go for it, and good luck getting laid 2x a month without paying for it !! LOL

His lack of past sexual adventures so to speak is not your problem. He's in Disney world sexually with you right now, so if that ain't enough, tell him he knows where the door is.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You need to figure out what your boundaries are the let him know what they are, and if sex with another woman is not ok with you, let him know in no uncertain terms that there will be serious consequences if he decides to have sex with another woman.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Treadingwater said:


> My husband of 8 years was a virgin when we married. Over time he has become progressively more obsessed with the idea of sleeping with another woman - just once to see what it is like. Our sex life was amazing when we first met, but 2 kids later we have slowed down a little (still 4-5 times a week). I felt comfortable with the quantity of sex but no he says he wants marathon sex sessions. He watches porn and masturbates about 3 times a day also but he is obsessed with sex (the porn and masturbating do not bother me at all).
> 
> He also brings up swinging, sex clubs, sex shows to see if i would be interested. I know i am not comfortable with sex outside of marriage and made this very clear before we got married.
> 
> ...


Cant stop him if he does not respect you enough to stop fueling this obsession. You are enabling by being so comfortable with his over usage of porn and masturbation. I do both with my wife mostly but in limited use and in conjunction with our already great sex life. He needs to slow down on the "fantasy world that porn is fueling" WATCH IT ONLY TOGETHER. then you two can find what triggers the fantasy needs and fulfill most of them together. Dress up, role play are all good ideas. Some therapy to deal with his need to relieve himself so frequently might help a bit to. He is clearly a bit obsessed. No one needs sex 4-5 times a week and multiple masturbation sessions daily that is a bit much. Add a lot of porn and asking a wife if he can have other woman and you clearly have someone that needs therapy. Stand your ground though. If you are not comfortable with an open marriage ( I certainly would not be) then do not let him try and guilt you to his side of the fence. If he is going to cheat and waste what you have then be prepared to follow through and tell him it will be a deal breaker if it happens.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Hmm, It seems to me like there is a bigger reason for his sudden lack of wanting to see whats out there. Is it possible he has someone lined up already? Sometimes people don't want to "cheat" but they don't want to resist the urges either. 
*
"I felt comfortable with the quantity of sex but no he says he wants marathon sex sessions. He watches porn and masturbates about 3 times a day also but he is obsessed with sex (the porn and masturbating do not bother me at all).*

Does he have a job and or hobbies do something other than sex? If so then he is in need of therapy this does not sound normal. Does he play and spend time with your kids?

If he doesn't have a job or do anything else but this obsession then he has too much time in his hands and needs to come back to reality and life.


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## shesgone (Feb 4, 2011)

Sounds to me like your H has a big problem. Like everyone has said you two have a way higher than normal sex life. Talking to my friends they may do it once every two weeks or longer, 4 different guys said this playing golf last week. They were just blown away that we have sex almost every single day. 
I have and my wife have both fantasized about a threesome with another woman, where the other woman is just there for my wife, no contact from me, or from the other woman to me. I would never be Okay with her having another man or me another woman. Just something about the woman on woman thing that turns us both on. We even make reference to it when having sex sometimes and it excites my wife greatly. we have talked about actually finding someone to join us, but neither of us is 100% sure so we haven't acted on it. 
Just my opinion, he needs a hobby other than porn and wacking off.
Sounds like he already has someone lined up to me. I could be wrong but something sure sounds off here. 
He is a lucky guy compared to 90% of men in America. Sounds like he just needs to realize that and snap out of it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He was a virgin. How experienced we're you? Was this a big imbalance? Does he think you've one-upped him?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If having multiple sexual partners made people happy, prostitutes would be the happiest people on earth.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Your husband sounds like a complete idiot who is hell bent on screwing up his life and will inevitably find out that with you he had it great.
> 
> First of all, every cheater in the world is someone who would never cheat and someone who will always tell their wife they would never cheat. So his verbal reassurance to you is not worth the paper it's written on.
> 
> ...


AMEN!!!!:iagree:


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think you could definitely use some MC. 

You need to have a talk with him and say that in no uncertain terms sex with other people is off the table. If he wants that you can divorce first. Make it his choice, he can either accept your boundary and stop asking or he can divorce you to sleep with other people. 

And then of he keeps bringing it up, you need to enforce your boundary. Tell him you have already discussed it and the subject is closed. After that just tell him every time he brings it up you are going to leave the room or go do something on your own. And do it.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Let him cheat then document and divorce his sorry rear end....

What's next, a live-in?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Hicks said:


> Your husband sounds like a complete idiot who is hell bent on screwing up his life and will inevitably find out that with you he had it great.
> 
> First of all, every cheater in the world is someone who would never cheat and someone who will always tell their wife they would never cheat. So his verbal reassurance to you is not worth the paper it's written on.
> 
> ...


This times 1000.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Wow, if I could get that kind of frequency I would never look anywhere but home. WTF?
I think it's time to tone down the porn and let him get physical with you more if you have the energy and time.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

As I see it, there are two separate issues for you to consider with him.

One - your normal sex drive vs. his hyper drive. That's a counseling/therapy issue in my book.

Two - and the most important one. He's asking permission to cheat on you. Really?

Here's my take on that: That is about the most disrespectful behavior one spouse can show another one, short of actual infidelity or abuse. At best, he's an immature idiot. At worst, he's been wanting to cheat on you for some time and is trying to manipulate you to avoid consequences for it - until he finally gives up on your sanctioning it and does it anyway. My guess is the later.

You should not tolerate this disrespect for another moment. The next time he asks you that, give him a consequence. Tell him if he dares disrespect you like this again, he won't need to worry. That he can have all the tang he wants on the open market. But it won't be with you. Then separate him from your bed for a few days and go get a free consult from a divorce attorney. See if *that* get's his attention.

Next, ask a moderator to move this thread to the Coping with Infidelity section. Because it looks like there's a good chance that's where he's headed.

Do not let him disrespect you like this.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

Treadingwater said:


> My husband of 8 years was a virgin when we married. Over time he has become progressively more obsessed with the idea of sleeping with another woman - just once to see what it is like. Our sex life was amazing when we first met, but 2 kids later we have slowed down a little (still 4-5 times a week). I felt comfortable with the quantity of sex but no he says he wants marathon sex sessions. He watches porn and masturbates about 3 times a day also but he is obsessed with sex (the porn and masturbating do not bother me at all).
> 
> He also brings up swinging, sex clubs, sex shows to see if i would be interested. I know i am not comfortable with sex outside of marriage and made this very clear before we got married.
> 
> ...


I would approach him like this: He has a sex addiction and needs help. He needs to admit he has a problem. He needs therapy. You need to shut him off sexually and not give it up to him no matter what for now. Him in therapy + you not giving it up + marriage counseling for the win. 

Now you- your feelings are totally legit and you deserve better than this. From what I gather, you control his libido. He has given that to you, you never even asked for it. You were his first due his social awkwardness. So his sexual confidence is going to be based on your attraction to him. Without you he is a nerd masturbating in the dark by himself. 

Stop having sex with him for at least a month, and at the end of that month if he has admitted he has a problem, is in therapy for treatment, and you guys are in MC and are making progress reward him with sex.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

ohno said:


> I would approach him like this: He has a sex addiction and needs help. He needs to admit he has a problem. He needs therapy. You need to shut him off sexually and not give it up to him no matter what for now. Him in therapy + you not giving it up + marriage counseling for the win.
> 
> Now you- your feelings are totally legit and you deserve better than this. From what I gather, you control his libido. He has given that to you, you never even asked for it. You were his first due his social awkwardness. So his sexual confidence is going to be based on your attraction to him. Without you he is a nerd masturbating in the dark by himself.
> 
> Stop having sex with him for at least a month, and at the end of that month if he has admitted he has a problem, is in therapy for treatment, and you guys are in MC and are making progress reward him with sex.


Not this 

Yes, set firm boundaries on this outside the marriage sex request. It's been asked and answered and will not be broached again

Then get some professional help for the hypersexual-compulsive disorder he seems to have.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Treadingwater said:


> My husband of 8 years was a virgin when we married. Over time he has become progressively more obsessed with the idea of sleeping with another woman - just once to see what it is like. Our sex life was amazing when we first met, but 2 kids later we have slowed down a little (still 4-5 times a week). I felt comfortable with the quantity of sex but no he says he wants marathon sex sessions. He watches porn and masturbates about 3 times a day also but he is obsessed with sex (the porn and masturbating do not bother me at all).
> 
> He also brings up swinging, sex clubs, sex shows to see if i would be interested. I know i am not comfortable with sex outside of marriage and made this very clear before we got married.
> 
> ...


Your husband is much like me in my late teens and early 20's...My wife and I had sex multiple times a day for over 10 years...It never got tiresome or boring for either of us....

She was very demure, but totally HD..."We didn't get out much"....

As to giving him a hall pass....Absolutely NO....Why wreck a good marriage over a whim....He will get over it...

the woodchuck


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

it sounds to me like you let the genie out of the bottle and he doesn't want to go back. It doesn't make much sense to me either. It sounds to me like your H has a porn addiction. I battled it for a long time and even got to the point where I almost started looking outside of marriage. That part of my life is over not porn doesn't fill my free time. I would make him cut out the porn for a month and go see an IC. Set your boundaries and make sure you are checking up on him. IN his hyper sexualized mind he may do something really stupid.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

you have no problem with his 3x/day masturbation and porn use, but maybe you should have a problem with it, because he is addicted to sex and you're turning a blind eye. it is very manipulative him to call you controlling for not allowing him to cheat. does he know how dysfunctional that sounds? and how disrespectful it is? he needs help. he is so lucky that he has you because no way in hell will he get that much sex from anyone else. does he know how lucky he is? why does he want to throw it all away or risk it? it is totally sicko of him (because he is addicted) to ask to cheat 10x/week. if he's asking 10x/week, you know that he's thinking about this 100x/week. your marriage is in danger, because he is so addicted, that he will not be able to control himself and his anger/resentment of you for not giving him what he think he rightfully should, so he will cheat, because that's what he wants, and addicts get what they want.

until you and him accept that he is an addict, and he gets help, this is a lose/lose situation because you will be the bad guy and he will be destroying the great marriage you have.


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## Treadingwater (Jul 26, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your advice, it has really helped a lot. As you can imagine its not really the sort of topic i can bring up with family and friends. Things are going better for the moment, we have had lots of discussions about what we both want going forward. He knows he has it good, i also think he knows he has a sex problem and is willing to work with a therapist on that also. I am stepping it up a little too, offering a bit more enthusiasm when it comes to sex rather than opting for a lazy approach to the sex we were having. We took a weekend away and had the best couple time together in years - and no mention of other women for over a week. Will see how long it lasts but he also hasn't watched porn since my post either saying he would always rather the real thing. I think he realised that he was dangerously close to me walking out and is freaking at the prospect. Will keep you posted but at least its heading in the right direction for now...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you considered that he has an emotional problem that is driving this higher than normal drive? Men get emotional connection via sex, if he's seeking out sex so often, could it be to try and satisfy some emotional issues or anxiety he is feeling? Perhaps a councillor outs help?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Treadingwater said:


> (still 4-5 times a week). I felt comfortable with the quantity of sex but no he says he wants marathon sex sessions. He watches porn and masturbates about 3 times a day also but he is obsessed with sex (the porn and masturbating do not bother me at all).


So does he have time for a job? 

Your husband needs a hobby or two that do not involve is pecker. 

Get the two of you to a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. Your husband seems overly obsessed with sex.


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## Treadingwater (Jul 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So does he have time for a job?
> 
> Your husband needs a hobby or two that do not involve is pecker.
> 
> Get the two of you to a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. Your husband seems overly obsessed with sex.


He does have a very good, high paying job. He also does extra work from home in the evenings which he started when i left work to have kids so he is very responsible and a good provider in that sense


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

ohno said:


> I would approach him like this: He has a sex addiction and needs help. He needs to admit he has a problem. He needs therapy.


Having an extremely high sex drive is not the same thing as a "sex addiction". (In fact, sex addiction probably doesn't even exist. It's been cut from the latest version of the official diagnostic and statistical manual). The problem is not his sex drive. The problem is that he is curious about other partners, and his wife isn't. If she was on board with swinging, then there wouldn't be any problem here (don't get me wrong, she should not do it if she doesn't want to).



> You need to shut him off sexually and not give it up to him no matter what for now. Him in therapy + you not giving it up + marriage counseling for the win.


Marriage counseling is certainly one possible solution, but cutting him off from sex will result in a "win"? Are you serious? Yes, I'm sure that after a month without sex with his wife, then he really won't want to sleep with anyone else! C'mon. That's about the worst advice I could imagine. 



> Without you he is a nerd masturbating in the dark by himself.


No, without her he is free to seek multiple partners. It would be very dangerous for her to back him in a corner like that.

Heck, no matter how "nerdy" he is, a guy who can have sex/masturbate more than 3x day could make a lot of money doing porn if he so chose.


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