# My husband is selfish and it is making me resent him



## kbernard (Dec 30, 2012)

Background: We have been married 8 years and have 3 children; 6,5 and 1 month old. Our 5 year old is severely low functioning special needs. I used to work but had to quit to support our special needs childs therapies which we both agree upon. His therapies are about 30 hours a week. 

My husband is lazy, selfish and spiteful. Everything he does I swear he thinks "how can I make this as easy as possible for myself" The past two days here are two examples:
1) Our newborn baby is sick right now and therefore is up screaming literally ALL night long. I am lucky to get 3 hours of sleep for the past 2 weeks and feel like a walking zombie. Because the kids are on winter break from school they are home all day and I don't have the opportunity to make up sleep. I understand my husband works a full time job so I try not to let the baby wake him up. I only ask that he takes 50% of the night time responsibility for the baby the 2 days a week he doesn't work so I can have the opportunity to catch up on sleep. One of those nights, he staid up until 1am because "I'm not the boss of him to tell him to go to bed, he will do whatever he damn well pleases" And since he was so tired, he refused to get up to help with rocking, diapers and so forth. The next morning I asked him why he would do that to me being that he sees how much the baby is up and sees how exhausted I am and his response (verbatim) was he was being purposefully spiteful because I asked him to go to bed at a reasonable hour to ensure we all get at least a little bit of sleep and I shouldn't tell him what to do. This is childish and immature.
2) See above about the baby. (sick, newborn and so forth) I asked him to step it up to help with the house because I am overwhelmed and our house has to be a certain way every day for our sons therapy sessions. He wont vacuum, sweep, dishes, nothing. He keeps apologizing and saying he will start helping more but he wont do anything. An example would be he had to take a day off of work because I had to take the baby to the emergency room for breathing difficulties and I came home to find that he let the kids grind cereal into our carpet and him sitting in his boxers with the tv on taking a nap. I was forced to run around like a mad women getting everything ready. He actually had the nerve to complain to me that I'm not cooking dinner enough 6 days after having the baby! We had a huge fight over that with me saying that he is on paternity leave so he can help me out having just given birth, not so he can sit on his butt letting me do everything! And this morning, before he left for work I asked if he could get me a cup of coffee being that I was feeding the baby and had literally 2 1/2 hours of sleep and felt like I was going to pass out asleep and his response, "Im not your slave, get it yourself" Did I mention his butt was snoring all night long? 

I am feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and did I mention exhausted? I feel like I am up all day dealing with three kids, therapists, cleaning and cooking while he comes home and kicks up his feet and thinks his boxers fold themselves by magical fairys. He never used to be like this, this is a new thing, just this year. We used to be a team and I miss that. I have told him all of this and he always apologizes, says he will change and nothing is different. Oh, except he cleaned the living room yesterday but thought he would get sex out of it, he didn't do it because he wanted to help, he did it for himself. :/ I am to the point I don't want him touching me anymore. Im no going to have sex with a guy who doesn't care about me at all. I am debating leaving him because I just don't like him anymore. I am sick of him saying he will help out, me getting my hopes up and then nothing coming from it. I don't like liars and I feel he is lying just to get me to shut up about helping. He says I am a stay at home mom now and this is my job, but most moms don't have therapists to deal with sometimes 7 days a week and a 5 year old who has the cognitive abilities of a 1 year old. I have tried telling him that I have more on my plate then the average person (which he agrees with) so he is needs to take more of an active role with the house and kids, at least take out the freaking trash every day! And he just doesn't care and thinks I should be able to do it all with a smile on my face, dinner on the table and sex every night. What do I do...leave him? or is there a way to get through to him? (We don't have the money for counseling, we have to consider the actual counseling cost along with a person that is equipped to handle our son (basically it has to be a nurse) and a newborn which runs about 200 an hour, so counseling is out of the question right now financially for us)


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You mentioned your husband used to be a team player, but that ended. Why do you think he's changed? Is he resentful of the new baby? Was the new baby planned or a surprise? I'm just spit-balling here, because you haven't offered any theories as to his change of heart.

From what you've written he sounds like he doesn't care about you or the kids. How does he interact with the children?


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## kbernard (Dec 30, 2012)

A year ago we started having some financial difficulties and he became a bit depressed I think. Nothing major happened (like a lost job or anything) just money got tight and he isn't able to play like he wants to. And the baby wasn't planned but we are okay with it. He actually is a great dad when it comes to playing and paying attention to and participating in therapy sessions. The kids adore him which is probably why I haven't left yet.


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## kbernard (Dec 30, 2012)

I agree though, it sure feels like he doesn't care about me. He says he does, he says he loves me, but his actions say otherwise and I wonder if he is too scared to actually say the truth on what he feels.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

kbernard said:


> A year ago we started having some financial difficulties ... money got tight and he isn't able to play like he wants to. And the baby wasn't planned but we are okay with it.


So he can't "play." What activities and/or hobbies did he pursue that allowed him to play? 

You say "we" are okay with the baby. It doesn't sound like he's okay with the new arrival at all. He won't get up to share in diaper changing, feeding, or allowing you a little down time to sleep. He sits around in his shorts watching t.v. while the kids are crunching cereal into the carpet. This doesn't sound like an involved parent.

Right now your kids are okay with dad, but children are perceptive creatures. They start to sense that daddy is not happy with mommy, and mommy feels the same about daddy.

The way you describe your husband's behaviors makes him sound like a self-serving, downright mean-spirited person. He also sounds like a raging narcissist. I'm not diagnosing him, just giving you my take on his behavior.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Here's one thing I've learned very well from years of living with an alcoholic: look at the actions. Forget the words. Talk is cheap. If I listened to the nonsense that drops out of the sky into my husbands head and them comes out of his mouth, I'd be crazy. Why? Because the actions don't match the words. That's the way addicts are. 

So, years ago I started watching the behaviors. That told me everything I needed to know.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think you married my ex.... big, bald guy? Thinks his sh*t don't stink? 

It NEVER gets better. (We had 5 in 6 years) I thought after the were potty trained he'd get more into it... nope. I thought when Little League started he'd love that...nope (I coached Little League). I thought Cub Scouts and camping would help with bonding... nope (I did that too). 

He NEVER helped with the kids. He NEVER helped with the house. He finally walked out after 23 years. By then no one cared... OUR bond was pretty much shot, and it turns out that the kids didn't care much either way. He didn't make much of an impression with them.... sad. 

I'm just sharing all that, because it never got better. I THOUGHT about leaving early on... just couldn't figure out HOW. If you can figure it out... I'd leave.


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## kbernard (Dec 30, 2012)

Maybe he isn't okay with the baby. He did say something awful when I first found out I was pregnant but he apologized profusely and never said it again so I thought it was just shock or something. Maybe he just kept quiet on his feelings and with him not complaining I just thought he was okay with the baby? 

He said he wished I would have woken up bleeding and lost the baby the day after we found out.


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## kbernard (Dec 30, 2012)

And he used to fish on his boat mostly. Problem is his truck broke down and his boat needs a new pump so its a lot of money in repairs in general we just cant afford.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

kbernard said:


> Maybe he isn't okay with the baby.
> 
> Maybe he just kept quiet on his feelings and with him not complaining I just thought he was okay with the baby?
> 
> He said he wished I would have woken up bleeding and lost the baby the day after we found out.


^^^THIS. Disgusting and cruel, to say the least. This man also told you that you're not the "boss" and he's not your "slave" because you made a simple request that he help you with a newborn. If this isn't a perfect example of verbal abuse, I don't know what is.

No, he's not okay with the baby. He's not okay with the marriage. He's not okay with you. Actually, he isn't even okay with himself. The behavior he exhibits and the way he talks to you are unacceptable. And I don't care how many times he tells you he loves you ... his actions clearly demonstrate he does not.

You might want to consider seeing a family law attorney in the near future. It wouldn't hurt to find out what options you have. Do you have family/friends for support? I couldn't live with someone like this. He sounds toxic.


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## kbernard (Dec 30, 2012)

I have a lot of friends but no one with the capability of helping me financially. As for family, I have none because I was a former foster youth. I just don't know how to leave because my son will not get therapies he desperately needs if I have to work again. I can't be in two places at once which is another reasons I haven't left yet. I feel trapped.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I get that... but what you can do is to start PLANNING. 

Maybe your H thinks you'll never go anywhere, and even if he treats you like crap, you'll still be there. 

So quit counting on him, although keep trying to get him to help you out. I know that sounds stupid.... but you learn how to handle the things you HAVE to do, ask for help but don't COUNT on him to actually help (help is then a bonus.... sad but true). 

Let go of whatever things you can in order to make your life a bit simpler.

Start figuring out HOW to get by if it comes to that. Sooner or later there must be a school your son can attend. Start looking into that and incorporate it into your plans. Go back to school, or take online courses so that you can be financially independent if need be. 

Remember that child support is not optional. Check your state's divorce and child support laws... just so you know where you stand. Then remember that you can't count on your H.... and maybe less so when he's an ex. Just because the court says someone has to pay you, don't mean they will.

PLAN a future.... even the planning itself can help you feel better mentally. Think short term (how to make my life a bit easier)... and long term (how can I do this on my own if I have to).


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## kbernard (Dec 30, 2012)

Financially I would be fine if I had to work on my own. I have a degree and my old job would accept me back happily. I wouldn't be rich, but I would be fine. Its the fact that the kind of therapy my son gets a parent HAS to be there, and there is no way I can work around my old job schedule and be there at the same time. (Both during school hours, I used to be a band teacher and his therapies are during the day)


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Have you asked the therapist if there are any alternatives? I'm making an assumption here, but there must be other children your therapist works with who have two working parents. 

What instruments do you play? Any chance you could teach from home? When I was a kid, my piano teacher gave lessons in her home after school. 

Sometimes there ARE alternatives. How many hours per day are the therapy sessions? 

I'm not saying, as fact, that there are other ways to skin this banana, but there may be.


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## kbernard (Dec 30, 2012)

Therapy is at our house and is 4 hours a day plus we drive about an hour each way for feeding therapy a couple times a week which all equals out to about 30 hours a week. We are adding on speech therapy which I am trying to get in home during the weekend but so far insurance will only pay for in clinic and thats another couple of hours a week and he was just approved for more OT so thats more again. His therapy has to be in his home setting (the bulk of it) I don't know one parent who's child is in this that can work and it isn't fair to expect someone to deal with their special needs child, their other children on top of mine anyways!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

kbernard said:


> Maybe he isn't okay with the baby. He did say something awful when I first found out I was pregnant but he apologized profusely and never said it again so I thought it was just shock or something. Maybe he just kept quiet on his feelings and with him not complaining I just thought he was okay with the baby?
> 
> He said he wished I would have woken up bleeding and lost the baby the day after we found out.


Hi -

It does appear that your husband did not want a 3rd child. I'm so sorry about this. This is why he has changed from one year ago. He doesn't have to "say it." His actions are proving it. He is very resentful about losing money for his hobbies.

Of course he should be helping you more around the home & taking care of ALL of the children...that goes w/o saying...but he's not & actually being very cruel.

Because your options are limited, ie, no counseling, you cannot work with a special needs child, no family to help out, I am gently suggesting that you try to "accept" your husband the way he is now for YOUR own mental well-being. Now this does not mean that you have to "like" all his behaviors but take a step back, deep breath & realize this is your new reality...at least until you can figure something else out.

There are things I don't "like" about my husband but I find that once I learn to "accept" him & not try to "change" him, I have greater inner peace.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It doesn't sound to me so much like he's being abusive as he's throwing big ol' temper tantrums. "You're not the boss of me! I'm not your slave" sounds like a 4-year old's reactions! 

I'm just brainstorming here, because I have never come across an adult resorting so clearly to a child's behavior like this. When a child uses these words, he's typically rebelling and trying to establish a way to separate from his parent, to feel autonomous. 

I'm guessing that your guy's response may be similar. He doesn't feel like he has an identity that is separate from you and the baby right now, and he misses that. In other words, he's feeling overwhelmed, too, but as a man may not be able to admit to such "weak" feelings directly. BOTH of you feel trapped and unhappy. 

Because you said you previously worked as a team and that you have been together for 8 years, I'm thinking there's normally been a lot of shared love and respect between you, and that if you can ease the burdens you're carrying, it may come back.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be to endure the extra duties of having a special needs child, especially when a parent must be present for daily therapy sessions. I think Prodigal's recommendation to talk to the therapist is a good one. How long will the daily therapy continue? What alternatives do you have to this, even if they're not ideal? Could the parents allow a sitter or other family member to take part and have it videotaped so the parents can get the information they need, too? (If this was an option, it might make for some quality family time, too.) Maybe the therapy can be customized so parents can participate a few times a week but aren't required to be at every single session. This might free you up to take a part time job and give both you and your husband a bit of relief.

The other thing I'll mention about his immature reaction is that sometimes we get overly comfortable or overly tired and forget to mind our manners with a partner. "Please," "thank you," and "Would you be willing to..." can help others feel like they aren't being taken for granted.


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## akmama (Mar 30, 2018)

I'm curious how you are doing today. Have things gotten better? Have things changed for you?


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