# Need support please--whenever we get close, he pushes me away



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Hi everyone...

I stepped away from the forum because I was trying not to be so "dependent" on it, felt like there wasn't much more advice I could receive other than what I've already gotten, and hoped that H and I had turned a corner to where we can move along on our own...

Things *have* been better...but I still need some support and advice and sounding board here. 

I had moved out and did move back after he agreed to go to therapy, and after I saw a few other things from him that I had needed to see--in other words, after he showed that he *cared* and that the issues of our relationship actually are *his* issues too, not just mine.

BUT...currently I'm in a lot of pain because I'm noticing a pattern, and I don't know how to best deal with this.

Every time we get close, feel happy and comfortable together, and I start to trust him again and open up and let my guard down, it seems like some small conflict gets blown way out of proportion, and then he goes into a nasty funk that lasts for H O U R S ........

I will admit that for my part, I may be slipping into old PITA habits---that's why I'm back here at the forum, to help me monitor that in myself. Guess I figured "I've worked my ass off to change the dynamic, it's your turn." 

Based on advice from here and my individual therapy, I became strong enough inside that I could resist engaging in conflict that would lead to the emergence of his nasty side--ie, detach. BUT...now that I'm "back" to wanting the relationship to work, I'm starting to care again, caring enough to invest energy and try "fix" or correct small issues ...and then things fall apart.  That's when he "feels pushed," and his nasty side comes out. And he goes into a silent, pouty, angry funk for HOURS and ruins a good time.

His nasty side came out last night in a horrible way, and it truly felt like it sabotaged what had been a happy, lovely, close, intimate weekend up to that point.

So I guess my question is...

How do I maintain that inner strength that previously empowered me to 1) detach from conflict, and 2) leave him, in a way that might help the relationship? 

Talking about this with him right now won't help. We've had way too much "relationship talk" lately. 

At this point, I'm in "cool temp" mode--disappointed at the way he treated me last night, but not bringing it up because I have nothing to say about it...moving on in a way that protects my own happiness and heart, and posting here.

So please, anyone, I am desperate and I refuse to backslide and regress...any advice or help you can offer???


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Can you share what exactly it was that started it all? I'm not sure I understand what was done or said that caused him to feel pushed. 

You mentioned his nasty side came out in a horrible way last night, how so? What happened?


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

To sum up succinctly...

I say something cheerfully. He responds with grumpiness and edginess.
I take issue with his sullen response and try to fix it through communication.
He balks, gets even edgier, yells, pouts, goes silent for hours...
Even after I move past it and try to be cheerful again, he can't just get over it 

Obviously if i let it go in the beginning when he's a grump, it would stop it right there.
That's what I need to work on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Analogy time.

So, basically you married 'New York', but want to live in 'California'.

Really, you need to decide if you are happy with New York and it's manner of being, or if you really would prefer to move to where the weather is more to your liking.

Life is short. I'd think hard and do what will make you happy.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Cross said:


> Analogy time.
> 
> So, basically you married 'New York', but want to live in 'California'.
> 
> ...


That’s good!



Now. Think about trying to change New York to be what you want it to be. Or maybe even trying to change California!


You’ll have about as much success with that as you will with trying to change your H. Unless of course *HE WANTS TO CHANGE HIMSELF!*


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Credamdóchasgra, did you buy and read that book Awareness? And how about Emotional Intelligence for your H?


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

In my humble opinion, "hours" is not that long of a time. My wife's bad moods go on for days, weeks and even months. If I'm not able to coax cheerfulness out of grumpiness, I go jogging or play the piano for a couple hours. If that's still not enough time, I fix dinner
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Bob,
Not yet...I've read so much, thought maybe I could take a break.
H won't read anything at least not any time soon.
Cross----good point. Problem is, new York was becoming much nicer lately.
Ten_year...another good point. But the mood sabotages happen during such otherwise lovely times, it's too long...an hour of sullen anger in a beautiful hotel room or warm sunny day at the beach---why??? It makes no sense to me. Why he seems to WANT to be miserable?! It's a waste of precious time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Buy him the book and tell him Bob told him to read it.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Bob,
> 
> Cross----good point. Problem is, new York was becoming much nicer lately.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, but he always has been, and always will be New York. It's an elegant analogy.

You two function on fundamentally different levels. I don't doubt that you will both be able to modify your behavior to maintain a pleasant appearance, but the fact will remain that just under the surface is the stuff he can't let go of, and the stuff you can't let go of. And when it comes out ... which at times it ALWAYS will, it's a toxic combination.

Using MEM's thermostat analogy, he comes up from frosty to 65, and in response, you come up to 80. 

Your wanting to make it work with a vengeance will always make him push you away with a vengeance.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

People can and do change. I’m living testament to that. But they have to WANT to change.

A lot of these things are “emotional”. Withdrawing. Sulking. Anger etc. etc. But a lot of people had very bad teachers of emotion management when they were young. So as adults those people have to learn how to manage their emotions. How to calm themselves when angry. How to recognise when anger is rising. How to comfort themselves when hurt and in pain etc. etc.

I know these things and that’s why I recommended those two books to Credamdóchasgra. But she hasn’t even bought them, let alone read them and the total cost is prob about $20, throw away money given the circumstances.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Deejo, I've cooled my temp and when I do, it helps the relationship.
Bob, I think telling him to read a book would fall into a "warm temp" category of behavior, and wouldn't help.
Like you say, he has to want to---and he won't if I tell him to.

At the moment, I've just made a good decision and am proud of myself: he made a judgmental comment; not about anything important, but it got under my skin.
In response, I said "I don't see how xyz is strange." when I could sense him getting edgy I left to go for a walk.
And detached instead of arguing about something dumb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Bob, I'll read them. I appreciate your recommendations and helpful suggestions.
I've done loads of reading, $ spending, and emotional work for this. Doing the best I can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I can you I don't trust 'good cheer'. It's unreliable. It can into a bloody lawnmower tornado in 3 seconds. So I tend to shy away from it. It takes a lot to get me to lower the blast shields. Maybe your situation is similar.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Credam,
Are you able to clearly and consistently differentiate between when he is in a bad mood that has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, vs when he is cranky because of something you have done/he thinks you have done?

My W is allowed to be in a bad mood. Sometimes she is. That is really ok. It isn't about me - I give her space. 

Sometimes when she is being a bit difficult with me about something someone else has done - I raise an eyebrow and ask her "are you mad at me about something"? 

I don't need her to apologize for being upset. I generally prefer her to be straight and let me know whether or not I am the trigger. 



credamdóchasgra said:


> Hi everyone...
> 
> I stepped away from the forum because I was trying not to be so "dependent" on it, felt like there wasn't much more advice I could receive other than what I've already gotten, and hoped that H and I had turned a corner to where we can move along on our own...
> 
> ...


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Credam,
> Are you able to clearly and consistently differentiate between when he is in a bad mood that has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, vs when he is cranky because of something you have done/he thinks you have done?


This is a valuable question.
Probably no, im not. I probably don't like when he directs his edginess at me, if I haven't caused it.
What happens then is---if I react to it, THEN he pins it on me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

