# Relationship BPD



## calamityjim (Jul 18, 2014)

*Relationship Bipolar*

(Married 13 years, both work, 3 school-age kids)

I feel like I have relationship bipolar disorder.

Bedroom time determines my feelings about the relationship, as well as my overall mood as a person. I'm regularly accused that "sex is the only thing that matters to you!" and I can't say I disagree. I genuinely feel like if she didn't work, didn't clean, didn't spend any time with me, but couldn't keep her hands off me, that I would do everything else and still be immensely happy.

I'm HD, she's somewhat LD, but not to the degree that a lot of people complain about here. Our main problem is not the LD, but medical issues for which she's seeking treatment. It's also worth mentioning that I really wear my emotions on my sleeve. Whatever I'm feeling is very obvious to those around me.

For the past two weeks, things have been great. I've been satisfied, and therefore I've felt very close to her, I've been very doting, I've taken more cleaning initiative, I've had a stronger desire to spend time with her. I've been really happy as a person.

But yesterday was rough on her. She's hitting the crampy point in her cycle, and this month is really rough. I've given massages, but they don't really help. She's never had a regular gynecologist, and the one that's been treating her doesn't seem to be listening. She's seeking a new one and is even considering driving 80 miles back to where we used to live to see her old doctor.

After learning that our recently-great sex life is going on hiatus (for probably two weeks), my mood just kinda died. But then the fact that she has no control over it _and_ is actively seeking treatment makes me feel ѕhitty for feeling bad about it in the first place. Which just depresses me more. 

In the event that her symptoms lighten up, I'm sure me being depressed is a huge turn-on.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Good for you for recognizing the importance of sex. Good for you for recognizing her health issues are out of her control. Good for you for recognizing that feeling set aside affects the level of warm and fuzzies you feel toward her.

Bad for you for not telling her.

As a wife that has also had a string of issues that affect my availability for sex, and for me this pisses me off as much as it does him, I have done my best to be aware of his need for sex even when I'm out of commission. However, being in pain or discomfort means sex isn't on the forefront of my mind and I had "assumed" that he would say something or do something to alert me to the fact that he needs something from me.

Nope! He kept his distance so as not to bother me. Which felt to me like he was once again shutting down. This goes on for a few months and now we are back to struggling to connect AGAIN!

Men aren't mind readers. Neither are women.

Speak up.


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## calamityjim (Jul 18, 2014)

Thanks for the advice, AP. I'm a recovering Nice Guy and am struggling with some things. One of those is speaking up for myself and talking about how I feel.

She had a minor breakdown last night, discussing how dramatically all the medical stuff affects every aspect of her life: struggling at work, not being able to keep up with housework, not being able to do things with the kids... suspiciously absent from her list was anything to do with me. I _did_ bring that up and told her that it hurt, that it sounded like it didn't affect me at all or I was not a priority. Her response was that since she was talking _to me_, she didn't feel the need to mention me in the list.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

"Bedroom time determines my feelings about the relationship" 
While sex is important all other aspects of your marriage should be just as important. Going two weeks without sex should not be that big a deal enough to effect your mood. Your mood effects her and the whole household. It's not her fault, its a medical condition. It's not like she wants to reject you. 

You need to stay close to her even on the days you aren't having sex. You sound like you would be moody and difficult to live with. You are probably making her feel bad because she isn't able to have sex with you. Get a hobby and don't be so obsessed with having sex. Support her during this time and look forward to the time when she is able to have sex again.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Just FYI, BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder, not bipolar. They share some similarities (and one is sometimes misdiagnosed as the other) but they're not the same thing.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

She still has hands and mouth. No reason to stop making sure you are satisfied in the intimacy department.

My wife does what it takes, even in extreme pain (which she has been getting past couple of months during period).

My feelings or status is irrelevant, when my wife wants something, I make sure it gets done, ESPECIALLY in the intimacy department!!!


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## calamityjim (Jul 18, 2014)

*Re: Relationship Bipolar*



Jetranger said:


> Just FYI, BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder, not bipolar. They share some similarities (and one is sometimes misdiagnosed as the other) but they're not the same thing.


Oh, wow. I stand corrected. Title updated.

Except... that apparently didn't actually change anything. Nice.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

calamityjim said:


> Thanks for the advice, AP. I'm a recovering Nice Guy and am struggling with some things. One of those is speaking up for myself and talking about how I feel.
> 
> She had a minor breakdown last night, discussing how dramatically all the medical stuff affects every aspect of her life: struggling at work, not being able to keep up with housework, not being able to do things with the kids... suspiciously absent from her list was anything to do with me. I _did_ bring that up and told her that it hurt, that it sounded like it didn't affect me at all or I was not a priority. Her response was that since she was talking _to me_, she didn't feel the need to mention me in the list.


That's good that you two talked last night.

You could tell her that of course you will step up and pitch in, but you still need to feel loved. 

When these things just drag the hell on and on and on... It's easy to get wrapped up in the "great now what" woe is me mentality. If a neighbor brings a casserole you go out of your way to thank them and when possible return the favor. Why don't we do that with our spouses?

I think it's that unconditional love BS so many people seem to think marriage mean. Only parents can give unconditional love, spouses need reciprocity.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

DoF said:


> She still has hands and mouth. No reason to stop making sure you are satisfied in the intimacy department.
> 
> My wife does what it takes, even in extreme pain (which she has been getting past couple of months during period).
> 
> My feelings or status is irrelevant, when my wife wants something, I make sure it gets done, ESPECIALLY in the intimacy department!!!


If you felt like someone was stabbing your testicles with knives for a week straight, do you really believe you'd be able to happily give your wife oral during that time?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"My wife does what it takes, even in extreme pain (which she has been getting past couple of months during period)."

DOF, are you saying that your wife is forcing herself to sexually satisfy you when she is in extreme pain?


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## capncrunch (Aug 18, 2014)

DoF said:


> My wife does what it takes, even in extreme pain (which she has been getting past couple of months during period).


Yeah, I dunno DoF, that sounds very... dom. Which, if that's your thing, fine. 

"Does what it takes" in my mind plays out like you're saying "Listen up, bitсh, you better wrap your lips around this right now, or there's gonna be hell to pay!"


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## calamityjim (Jul 18, 2014)

So the craziest thing happened last night... I was doing something at the kitchen sink, and she was standing behind me waiting to wash her hands.

W: "Sorry, not trying to be all up in your personal space, just need to get this [whatever it was] off my hands."
Me: "Babe, we're _one_. There's no such thing as 'personal space' "
W: "If we're _one_, then we must be bipolar. Or personality disorder, or maybe both."

First of all, her "personal space" comment probably comes across as awkward, but she was mostly being silly, as was I with my response. But it's interesting that we both described our relationship this way. (She has no idea about TAM.)


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think most people are aware of the fickle nature of love and connection. It's a tricky balance.

But that comment bodes well that she is not firmly entrenched in victim hood. So that's a good thing!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Relationship Bipolar*



calamityjim said:


> Bedroom time determines my feelings about the relationship, as well as my overall mood as a person. I'm regularly accused that "sex is the only thing that matters to you!" and I can't say I disagree. I genuinely feel like if she didn't work, didn't clean, didn't spend any time with me, but couldn't keep her hands off me, that I would do everything else and still be immensely happy.


Sorry, but I find this very off-putting. How can you have a real relationship when sex is all that you care about? Hell, why even be IN a relationship. With this attitude, you are lucky you get it at all. You should be supporting your wife through her issues because you love her and care about her well being, not just trying to get her through so you can have a piece. Ugh.


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## calamityjim (Jul 18, 2014)

*Re: Relationship Bipolar*



3Xnocharm said:


> Sorry, but I find this very off-putting. How can you have a real relationship when sex is all that you care about? Hell, why even be IN a relationship. With this attitude, you are lucky you get it at all. You should be supporting your wife through her issues because you love her and care about her well being, not just trying to get her through so you can have a piece. Ugh.


Thank you for the criticism. Truly. But it's not about the sex, it's about the physical love and intimacy that go along with it. And I am supportive mainly because I don't want her to be in pain, but I also realize it will make everyone happier.



Happilymarried25 said:


> You sound like you would be moody and difficult to live with. You are probably making her feel bad because she isn't able to have sex with you. Get a hobby and don't be so obsessed with having sex. Support her during this time and look forward to the time when she is able to have sex again.


I can certainly be moody. But as I said, I'm not really capable of hiding my emotions. None of this is intentional.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Practice not reacting so emotionally. Women don't like feeling that men think we just have one purpose in life.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Practice not reacting so emotionally. Women don't like feeling that men think we just have one purpose in life.


Words to live by!


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> "Bedroom time determines my feelings about the relationship"
> While sex is important all other aspects of your marriage should be just as important. Going two weeks without sex should not be that big a deal enough to effect your mood. Your mood effects her and the whole household. It's not her fault, its a medical condition. It's not like she wants to reject you.
> 
> You need to stay close to her even on the days you aren't having sex. You sound like you would be moody and difficult to live with. You are probably making her feel bad because she isn't able to have sex with you. Get a hobby and don't be so obsessed with having sex. Support her during this time and look forward to the time when she is able to have sex again.


:iagree:

What's important to me as it should be to all men/women is
that they want to be intimate and have sex with you.

Expecting sex during a time of discomfort is selfish and to predicate your moods based on sex is just plain ... :scratchhead:.



55


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

How the heck can you have a "relationship" bipolar? As someone who has this serious disorder, your problems are nothing compared to a serious, untreatable mental illness.

As for your wife, suggest ibuprofin and heating pads and when I am having light flow, orgasm relieves a lot of pain. Heavy flow, forget it, Once I'm passing golf balls I care not about sex!


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## calamityjim (Jul 18, 2014)

scatty said:


> How the heck can you have a "relationship" bipolar? As someone who has this serious disorder, your problems are nothing compared to a serious, untreatable mental illness.


Sorry, scatty... I realize that bipolar is a serious thing, I'm not trying to make light of it.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

And BPD is even more serious. Bipolar can be helped with medication, BPD not quite so.


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