# Getting Divorced But trying to work on it



## bnh (Feb 2, 2013)

We have been married for 15 years, we have three teen children. Tons of Problmes, he cheated once, i cheated once, different pesonalities, sexual differences, trouble seeing eye to eye on the kids, fianances, the regualr daily annoyances/pet peeves. Just about every problem you could have in a marriage we have had. If you can imagine it we have been through it and that is not an understatment. We have also tried regular weekly hour sessions of couseling but it has been a long time.

So the past few weeks he has been hell bent on divorce, me not so much i think we could work it out if we both worked on it but if not then yes divorce is it. I gave options like marriage retreats but he was/is still ready for divorce and I am giving into it. I hired an attorney this week to start the process. He has agreed after i told him i hired an attorney to marriage retreats or counseling. We both have agreed to follow through with the divorce paper work so it gives us a deadline for making it work or to create a crap or get off the pot situation. In our state we have to wait six months for it to be final becasue of the kids. 

now the task at hand is to find a place that can actually help our marriage. I think it needs to be focused on making each of us bettter people as well as making our marriage stronger. I would like to start with a retreat to get us away from life kids etc so we can focus on Us each of our own problems and our marriage and maybe have a bit of fun if possiable.

Do any of you know of anything that actualy helped any one. When thinking of this think of the people you looked at and though wow they should have never married, or those you think if any one whould get divorced it whould be them but yet they did something and it made them last a life time. I need that kind of thing. I am not looking for the paid actors testimonial i am looking for real and intense life altering stuff here. Its the last chance for us.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Welcome. 

This is the weekend, Marriage Help Program For Couples

And get this book, His Needs, Her Needs, Today!!!

Good luck.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

"So the past few weeks he has been hell bent on divorce, me not so much i think we could work it out if we both worked on it but if not then yes divorce is it. I gave options like marriage retreats but he was/is still ready for divorce and I am giving into it. I hired an attorney this week to start the process."

You are saying and doing two different things here. I would read this as game playing. First you say you are not the one who wants to give in to divorce, but then you hire an attorney????

I would say by getting an attorney you are saying to him you are the one who is giving into divorce.

BTW its never the last chance, unless you are throwing in the towel.

I truly believe one person can save a marriage. It requires patience and forgiveness to both self and the spouse. Since you have children they should be the number one consideration, not self.


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## bnh (Feb 2, 2013)

My intent is not to play games. For 15 years anytime anythng has been rough his response was for me to go find someone else and lets get divorced. 
Over those 15 years i learned this was just nonsense he was talking and shortly after things would settle down but this last time it has been different. 
Over those 15 years we have dealt with adultry on both sides, we have dealt with drug abuse on his part, domestic violence on his part, we have lost a home, our daughter had a stroke and what i would call normal martial spats and There has been severe lack of sex between us for two years. The whole time i have been crying literally crying out for change 
So when he becomes hell bent on divorce for three weeks or even longer if you count the conversation where he told me he wanted divorce right befor the holidays. I start to look at this more seriously.This is not a game i am playing or trying to contradict myself in. 
We have had Many many conversations about this and me asking so many many times are you sure you do not want to try make this work and his answer has been a solid no for three weeks. 
He had a plan of how the divorce should go, we even started talking about division of property, the kids and we set a date to talk with the kids today, which has been canceled due to the talk of couseling.
His plan was to keep lawyers out of it and we would do all the paper work and filing and i frankly cant handle the peperwork and courts thing with the one person who was suppossed to be there with me through out lifes trials when he wants nothing to do with me and my heart is breaking everyday. 
The best thing for me to do was to seek legal advice, he has a whole slew of family to back, support and protect him, I have no family i am an only child and both my parents have passed away and any aunts/uncles or cousins i have have always lived far so we have never been close. I have friends yes for support but nothing of blood, nothing to take the lumps and bumps along the road with me. I have myself to look out for me. 
Many of the coversations we had made me feel awfully lonley, like the bad guy, like the one who had no idea what i was talking about , like there is not a chance of it ever working out, his own words are "i am almost 40 years old i cant change". Honeslty after listening to it all for three weeks straight divorce does sound like the right option. 
So i felt i needed some one who knew laws, who knew the process, who would tell me if i was right or not with out any other motives. When i told him i hired a lawyer he was mad which i expected and the 1st thing he did was accuse me of trying to screw him and he called his mom and told her to call his uncle to get him an attorney. I never wanted to screw him over i made point blank i told the my lawyer i wanted this to be fair and the lawyer said ofcourse and told me he would help with the process file papers and told me what would be best for my hubby and i to do on our own.
Mind you he still wants me to file the papers he is still ready for divorce but is willing to give it a last ditch efffort. Me getting a lawyer was not me giving up it was me preparing myself for what still may likley come. Also if that was the one thing that made him agree to couseling and this works out for the sake of the kids and us then it was the best choice i could have made. 
I have dealt with allot, him and i both need work on ourselves weather or not we stay together. My intent is not a game and me being here is not to bash him or make me look like the good guy trust me i know i have become a cranky crabby screamer over dumb stuff. My intent for being here and posting was to find one person who went through allot and found a place that really helped them deal with this and get on a path to being with their spouse. 
I need to here some one tell me this can work and it can be better and people can change that there is hope. I need some one to give me ideas of what really worked for them where did they go. I have googled marriage boot camp, couseling and retreats and there are so many at so many cost variations. I have to account for what he will and wont go for as well as what i would like to see happen. 
Please dont accuse me of playing games trust me this is not a game in my eyes and weather or not we divorce I still really dont want to see it happen. I dont like it one bit it know will hurt allot of people i love. I married for life for better or worse but i can not control what he wants and if he wants a divorce i have to think of what best for me.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I brought my marriage back. 

'This is me' saved his from a worse situation than mine.

Is that enough of a resume for you? Is that what your looking for?

I gave you the link to one of the best counseling encounters for troubled marriages on the brink of disaster. 

I also gave you a link to one of the most recommended books on what a marriage should look like and how you can keep it alive.

Use them. 

The weekend is slower for answers to your post. Other members will be along. Do not be defensive, just elaborate like you did.


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## bnh (Feb 2, 2013)

Thank You anchorwatch I did look at the links you provided and yes that is what i am looking for. I do also plan to search the site to find things that have already been posted, and find back stories to help with any ideas but it is all very overwhelming and will take me time. 

I dont mean to be defensive, perhaps its one of those things i need to work on? I tried to elaborate with out being so as i do know my 1st post was short and rather written out of frustration, i also realize no one here knows my back story. 
I am desperate, i know if this does not work for him we will be divorced. I feel if it gets to hard for him we will get divorced. I know i cant do it alone and if he isnt willing what am i to do?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It's a long road for some and will take time.

It doesn't have to be hard when your willing to do what it takes. Though it does take two to make it work. One can always learn the right steps and take them toward improving one's self. 

You have yet to be see where you sit and if reconciliation can be possible. Don't panic, put one foot in front of the other. Learn as much as you can. Ask questions you have, here and in the other areas. Like the General, Ladies and Divorce areas, there are more poster there. 

Good luck

BTW, It would help posters to know if the issues of infidelity been handled? Is there any abuse? Is your child recovered?


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