# Things your wife used to do in your early days together (before marriage) that would



## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Guys, what things did your wives (when they were new girlfriends) like to do for (or to!) you in your early days, that would now never occur, or be totally alien concepts these days?

I've thought of a few keys ones:

- Sexy, spontaneous texts (and sexy photos!)

- Really hot, spontaneous sex, pretty much anywhere around the house - or other location for that matter!

- Buy little cards and gifts for each other - even when it wasn't any particular occasion. Just little tokens of your blossoming love.

- Big kisses and loving smiles before you left for work every day, which put a spring in your step..

- When not together, pining for each other the whole time.

- Being happy in each other's company, and spending time listening to the other, and planning all the great things you're gonna do in your shared future!


That's kind of all I can think of now, but needless to say, all of the above how now been replaced by the complete opposite 

Hope you guys are having better luck!


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Awwww....sorry, JimBob!


----------



## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Aw thanks, man, I just feel really sad because I'm prepared to still do all of the above things, but I just feel like I'm an inconvenience now. Was thinking back to the early days with a tear in my eye, it was only 8 years ago!


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Its better to think in terms of getting it back instead of pining away at what you don't have. So, ask yourself if your actions support those things you want, make sure she knows what you miss, and work hard on your end of things.

I know a huge mistake I made in my marriage was a 'tit for tat' balance system. Sort of like talking yourself out doing something because she wasn't doing this or that.... So, start there. I can't even go over the complexities of what it takes to get everything back on track again, but there isn't a magic pill or overnight fix. It took years......


----------



## geek down (May 10, 2012)

When the STBXW was my girlfriend, no matter where we were, she couldn't keep her hands out of my pants or she couldn't snuggle close enough...

spontaneous and really, really agressive sex anywhere and everywhere..She wouldn't care where...

Greeting me with a kiss and tight hug...


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

yeah, it would be sexual in nature. alot of sex and playful sexual innuendo, once the hook was firmly set all that has dwindled away


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Can you show her this list, and each of you pick one thing to work on? Try doing that one thing for each other for a week. Then move on to another activity. It is so easy to forget to take care of each other with the stresses of jobs, kids, finances, maintaining a home, etc. There is nothing more important than your relationship, and it does require attention and maintainance.


----------



## wifey32 (Jul 3, 2012)

i still try to do all the things we used to when we first married. would love to have sex every day, but my hubby recently told me he would be more happy with a few times a week. ouch! i also make his lunch and pack him little snacks every day no matter how early he has to get up for work. walk him to the door and tell him i hope he has a GREAT day. greet him when he gets home with a hug and kiss. TRY to look nice when he gets home although i can't say I always manage to do so. ask him how his day was. try to cuddle with him at night or sit on his lap sometimes and put my arms around his neck. really, i am starting to feel like i'm doing all this for nothing because it never gets initiated by him and rarely reciprocated. I usually end up feeling like i am bothering him and taking up his time. if i hug him a little too long he gets a little irritated like he's too busy to spend a few seconds holding me. or if he gets in bed before me he usually tries to seem like he is asleep or really tired i think because he doesn't want me to try to have sex with him. I know how discouraging it can be when you're trying and the other person seems not to care that much anymore


----------



## geek down (May 10, 2012)

and he's upset about what you do for him?? damn.. I'd be in seventh heaven if my STBXW did one of those...

Mine used to come home from work and scream at me about how she had a bad day...Kiss or hug?? yeah right..


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

wifey32 said:


> i still try to do all the things we used to when we first married. would love to have sex every day, but my hubby recently told me he would be more happy with a few times a week. ouch! i also make his lunch and pack him little snacks every day no matter how early he has to get up for work. walk him to the door and tell him i hope he has a GREAT day. greet him when he gets home with a hug and kiss. TRY to look nice when he gets home although i can't say I always manage to do so. ask him how his day was. try to cuddle with him at night or sit on his lap sometimes and put my arms around his neck. really, i am starting to feel like i'm doing all this for nothing because it never gets initiated by him and rarely reciprocated. I usually end up feeling like i am bothering him and taking up his time. if i hug him a little too long he gets a little irritated like he's too busy to spend a few seconds holding me. or if he gets in bed before me he usually tries to seem like he is asleep or really tired i think because he doesn't want me to try to have sex with him. I know how discouraging it can be when you're trying and the other person seems not to care that much anymore


Oh, wifey, I"m so sorry. I bet that many of the guys on this site would LOVE it if their wife did that.

I try to do the same things -- lucky me, I get praised for it. 

I am so sorry, honey. This is not your fault.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But some wives still do that stuff. I do all that on your list...Well, it's only been 3 years here...

Sorry your wife is a turd.

What do you do for her?


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

It's just the time factor...........quickie spontaneous lustful sex all over the apt, dorm, or car, behind a building that's what all 18-22yr olds do.

Fast forward 20 years of marriage and maturity life isn't like that anymore. I don't even think I could be that lustful if I tried I'm not 18-22 I don't think about sex every nano second of every day.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Speak for yourself, OhGeesh -- both of us are 53, and after many years of bad, sexless marriages, we are going to town


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I still do all that stuff, well, the sex anywhere in the house is a bit tricky with a two year old and a five year old, so change that part to 'in the bedroom' and you've got it.

We've been married ten years, together more than 20.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

It's good to hear some happy stories above guys, keep it up! And for the ones not having so much luck, you do have my total sympathy. For the wives who have husbands that aren't showing affection, I would happily swap places with your husbands! 

The best I can pretty much hope for is not to rejected once in a while and to get out the front door without an argument over trivial stuff! I still buy her flowers and jewellery occasionally and always compliment her and tell her how much I love her (but not in a nice guy pleading way, may I add!). Hell, I even massaged foot cream into her feet last night for half an hour, as a spontaneous gesture!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

OhGeesh said:


> It's just the time factor...........quickie spontaneous lustful sex all over the apt, dorm, or car, behind a building that's what all 18-22yr olds do.
> 
> Fast forward 20 years of marriage and maturity life isn't like that anymore. I don't even think I could be that lustful if I tried I'm not 18-22 I don't think about sex every nano second of every day.


My husband has lost that LUST factor too for the most part, he is still addicted to "pleasure" ...this saves us. 

I used to write him letters (he even wrote back!), always calling , wanting to be with him, he never got a Bj or sex before we married... For us -because of love making...we've always felt it got better AFTER the wedding...said that a # of times to ourselves in our early marraige even. I treat him better RIGHT NOW than I ever did our entire marraige though.... 

We did everything backwards. It was really good then too, we are always mega close, best friends since we met... but I had too much worrying on my mind... about saving $$ for our dreams... conceiving....if the babies will be healthy.... if we'd ever be able to FIND & afford the house of our dreams -we wanted the country...... if he'd ever get a GOOD paying job...

Basically...looking back... I worried for NOTHING and wasted alot of emotional energy.....that I could have put into him. 

Making up for all of that now though.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

During our first few years ,I used to wake up in the middle of the night with her giving me a BJ or tracing her fingers over my lips and looking at me in this mysterious way.
Now when we hit the sack,she's so tired that she even finds it difficult to get up and pee. :rofl:
She also used to write me long "love letters" ,but now she just says it in more ways than one.
But there is also stuff that I used to do in those early years that I no longer do.
Back then we were carefree. Some days she would be getting dressed to go to work and I would be looking at her,we begin to kiss and fool around.She then calls in sick for that day and we make love for the entire day....
We now own a business,and its very stressful so, I understand.
But such is life. Its not really a big problem for me.

I'm cool with that.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

wifey32 said:


> i still try to do all the things we used to when we first married. would love to have sex every day, but my hubby recently told me he would be more happy with a few times a week. ouch! i also make his lunch and pack him little snacks every day no matter how early he has to get up for work. walk him to the door and tell him i hope he has a GREAT day. greet him when he gets home with a hug and kiss. TRY to look nice when he gets home although i can't say I always manage to do so. ask him how his day was. try to cuddle with him at night or sit on his lap sometimes and put my arms around his neck. really, i am starting to feel like i'm doing all this for nothing because it never gets initiated by him and rarely reciprocated. I usually end up feeling like i am bothering him and taking up his time. if i hug him a little too long he gets a little irritated like he's too busy to spend a few seconds holding me. or if he gets in bed before me he usually tries to seem like he is asleep or really tired i think because he doesn't want me to try to have sex with him. I know how discouraging it can be when you're trying and the other person seems not to care that much anymore


I did all these things with my STBEH and he still had an affair. 

One counselor told me that often the wife who is too nurturing, is seen as a mother figure. If they had any problems with the mother they then after a long term marriage start to see the wife as a mother figure rather than a love and they start to project all the issue they had with their mother onto the wife.

In those cases they may not want sex with the wife that often, but be attracted to there women. In an affair they may perform far better due the excitement of a new sex partner and they then, too, blame their lack of interest in companionate sex on the wife. 

The same applies to a man who is too nurturing to the wife. The wife may project father issues onto him.

This guy says he's doing all the things he posted, but the wife isn't'. 

If that is true, he needs to get her to counseling.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Too many to list.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I remember telling someone the story of how we were, versus how we are--now.

When I was dating my husband, we were both in the Air Force, I was stationed in one state, him in a neighboring state. For more than 8 months he would drive every Friday night 4.5 hours to see me and then drive back 4.5 hours on Sunday night to be able to go to work at his base on Monday morning.

EVERY WEEKEND he did this for more than 8 months.

Now, 28 years later, he wouldn't drive to the 7-Eleven down the street to get a cup of water to put my a$$ out if I was on fire.

Time can be a great enemy.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Sorry your wife is a turd.


:rofl: TG


----------



## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Now, 28 years later, he wouldn't drive to the 7-Eleven down the street to get a cup of water to put my a$$ out if I was on fire.


Sorry to hear that.


----------



## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

The one thing that I miss from our dating years is being sexually spontaneous and adventuresome. We used to make out hot and heavy in our cars (didn't have anywhere else to go) and we both got a bit of a thrill out of the "public" nature of it. Would never happen now. Lots of fond memories sitting in the front seat....


----------



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> The one thing that I miss from our dating years is being sexually spontaneous and adventuresome. We used to make out hot and heavy in our cars (didn't have anywhere else to go) and we both got a bit of a thrill out of the "public" nature of it. Would never happen now. Lots of fond memories sitting in the front seat....


Same here. Day or night. Lights on or off. Now it's lights off at bedtime only. She also gave me occasional bjs because she knew it made me happy. I asked for one a few months ago and was turned down. Last time I got one was 2008. We were married in 2007. 

I also remembered she was always worried she might loose me and often made an effort to make me happy and feel good, sexually and emotionally. 

We also did it in various positions and places. Last time we did a different position was a year ago. 

I'm still uncertain how to fix this without freaking her out by mentioning any level of unhappiness because she always reads between the lines, ie., divorce is eminent. Barriers go up. I have to go into 'damage control mode.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Now, 28 years later, he wouldn't drive to the 7-Eleven down the street to get a cup of water to put my a$$ out if I was on fire.


If you didn't lie to him, your pants wouldn't be on fire!


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Wink. She used to give me a look and just wink at me. It made my heart flutter.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> Sorry to hear that.


Me too!

Boy, if I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently and maybe it wouldn't be so.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Drover said:


> If you didn't lie to him, your pants wouldn't be on fire!


So true, can't deny that.


----------



## teewhy (Jun 9, 2012)

MAAANNN, all of the above!!! My wife stopped doing all of that "ish"... It's like I bought the cow and it ran out of milk! 

Meanwhile my best friend was somewhere smiling with a milk mustache... That bastard got the last of my milk, and to quote that_girl, my "turd" stbxw gave the last of my milk away! I want my milk dammit.... lol okay rant over, sorry.


----------



## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Good stories guys.

I miss it when she'd pinch me on the butt, and say your butt looks hot in them trousers! Never happens now. I also remember when we first started dating, we worked in the same office for about 4 months, and she looked over at me from another part of the room, and gave me the loveliest, most genuine smile, like her heart was full of love. No other woman had ever done that to me, or probably ever will. The she texted me, and said 'are you up for some hot lovin' tonight! ' - When I think back to that, I feel so sad for all the times inbetween that moment and now, when I have upset or annoyed her, and a sadness when I also realise that those days of spontaneous fun and sparkles will never be repeated...


----------



## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Back in our dating days, my wife and I could barely keep our hands off one another. She lived at home, so we had to sneak it in carefully there. I had my own apartment and that was great for sex. But we didn't leave that close to one another and it wasn't often at my place. 

I remember when we first bought our house 17 years ago, she said that we had to do it in every room. I'm still waiting for us to 'christen' nearly every room.


----------



## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Things I miss about the early years are the sexy texts (now I'd get a 'wtf?' Reply if I tried. Really miss spontaneous passionate kissing leading to rampant sex on the floor (replaced by turned cheek kissing and a a few pelvic thrusts in bed). The biggest miss for me is my wife INITIATING and really getting into it, not like now, rolling her eyes and saying 'it's all you think about!' - when we've had 'afterthought' intercourse twice in 30 days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dadof3greatkids (Jul 23, 2012)

I have the mixed "blessing" of having a spouse that never initiated sex or did a lot of the things the OP put in the list. Still, once we got going, there were lots of sparks in the early years. We still have sparks on ocassion and I attribute the less sparky days to the stress of daily life, kids, etc.

Some times, I consciously stop myself from doing a lot of the nice things I used to do all the time. It's hard to explain. I feel great doing things like buying her flowers, writing her a letter, spilling my heart out to her, etc. But over the years, the lack of reciprocity just took its toll. I also think that many times when I do this stuff, I look needy or she thinks I am just doing it to get sex.

It's horrible, but my wife seems more responsive to me emotionally when I just go about my life and basically ignore her. I've read here all about the emotional thermometer and pulling back so that the more emotionally distant person becomes more emotionally available/pro-active. 

I am trying to find a nice balance between being loving and "unavailable". When I become too unavailable, my wife accuses me of being passive aggressive. When I am vague about my needs, she calls me vague. When I am specific, she calls me needy, or, when the fight progresses, selfish and that I don't "inspire" her to show those feelings. 

My problem is that my wife just is not the kind of person who is all "lovey dovey." Her mother is just not that way towards her dad.

At the suggestion of several people on this board, I read Awareness. It really did open my eyes to why I feel certain ways. I understand that many times when I do the loving things, it's not to make her feel better, it's too make me feel better. When she does not react in the way I expect, I get depressed. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that my wife's negative response to my affection is a result of years of my inconsistently acting negative/positive to her expressions of love. I would sometimes reject her form of love, much like I've felt she has rejected my expressions of love by not doing exactly what I want her to do. She complains often of living with me is like being on a roller coaster.

So for now (it's been about 10 days), I am restraining myself. I still come up to her and give her a kiss, but don't say "I love you." I don't call her to tell her I love her. However, I am still genuinely nice to her and tell the kids how much I love them. My wife, like always, never initiates "I love you" so now it is just not said between us. I think she is warming up to me and seeing a less needy, more confident and more "alpha" me. The 180 proponents would say that eventually she may come around and say it. I'm not so sure, even if she does feel that way that she's programmed to initiate saying that phrase to me. 

Going to keep going to the gym (I'm 6'4 and used to be near 250, now I'm 199 and can exercise hard for 2 hours straight) and looking at the world in a more "Aware" state. Still, part of me, the part that grew up with a loving mother (who still writes loving cards for EVERY occasion and says how much she loves me and quickly forgives and fawns over my Dad after he's a jerk) longs to be in a relationship where his wife acts more like his Mom and less like her Mom....


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Sixteen years of marriage on Friday and all of the things on that list still mutually happen between us 

Just last night he asked me to come inside from the porch to sit down to talk with him about planning what we'll do Friday. We were talking and he had his shirt off and a black hat on because his shaved head is growing out and his hair sticks straight up...I seriously thought...OMGZ why is he so f'ing hot. I want him so bad.

Last Thursday we had some very hot sex, twice. Once before bed on the couch and then once when he woke me up in bed. He texted me the next day and said...Thinking about last night gave me the chills. Reading his text gave me the chills. Then there was the sex on Saturday & Sunday...skipped last night even though I wanted to jump his bones.

When I think of my husband I feel a lot of gratitude. He knows and cares for me so well. I think he deserves the world.

But, even though sex was always good, our relationship was not always like this as anyone who read my journey from coming here till now will know. It used to be a lot more bumpy and on again/off again. I felt he didn't listen to me and that I was being unheard, he thought I was being unreasonable. Turns out we were both right and when we worked through that and corrected one another's behaviors/attitudes towards the other, it was like night and day. We got to pretty low points before either of us got the message. 

TAM really helped me with what I was doing wrong and I think me being ready to leave the marriage helped my husband listen.

I'm on vacation this week but went to work yesterday and debate it today. I texted him this morning...Being on vacation without you feels really wrong. He texted back...I am thinking the same thing. Boy does he make me swoon. I love him so much.


----------



## alton (Jul 18, 2012)

If there is one thing I've learned since signing up to TAM is that if you want to get back some of the things you miss you need to be smart about it. Make her want to do these things. Make her feel good, make her feel sexy and get her into a playful mood. 

Basically need to adopt the mentality of what you can do to get these things back rather than sulking that she's not doing it. Talking to them about it is NOT the way to go, you can't guilt someone into sending you a sympathtic sexy text.. doesn't really work.


----------



## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Alton, you are so right, this place has been something of a godsend in the advice you see on it. Have you noticed any difference since you changed your attitude? Unfortunately my partner is in a deep depression about herself and certain aspects (not me) about her life right now and all I can do is support her, everything else is on hold right now (possibly for months).


----------



## alton (Jul 18, 2012)

I definitely noticed a big difference. I'm wondering why I ever thought getting down about it or thinking that talking to her would ever help... it's just not how these things work and it's bound to just make things worse. Making a bit more of an effort and she definitely responds in kind. 

I'll give you an example. We spent a couple of hours together yesterday doing nothing in the room other than playing around in a way we used to all the time. All it took was me flirting with her and making her laugh rather than just sitting there secretly hoping.

I won't lie though, part of me still feels like she should be doing more to help maintain things and I still feel like I'm the only one trying to keep it going while she seems to have settled into routine mode. 

Anyway, as you point out some things are more important and although this is too, it's definitely not something to make a big issue out of.


----------



## Beeceemark (Aug 5, 2012)

That's easy: blowjobs.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

accuse me of screwing or attempting to screw every woman I know or have ever met.

***** at me about how the house cleaning I did of my own volition was not good enough and that I should have done this and that.

use a sharp nasty condesending tongue on me reguarly for nno apparent reason.

Physically attempt to whip my ass. This usually resulted in me pinning her to the floor until she contained herself.

act cold and detatched out of the blue with no apparent reason.

Not talk about sex or initiate anything adventrous.

All that has changed. She is now everything I knew she could be. None of this stuff ever happens anymore. She treats me with great ove and respect and bends over backwards to help me anyway she can.

She is perfect in every way, beautiful, hot and sexy, loves to ride the gold wing with me and basicallyy anything I want to do . She initiates regularly and trys new and adventrsome stuff in bed.

What a woman!!!!!!!!


----------



## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

This can happen in any long-term relationship, from either gender. Relationships can grow too comfortable, things get routine, and partners start to take advantage of each other, even if they don't mean to. 

Personally, I prefer (because I'm going through this right now) to bring my wife in on the plan because I'd liker her to know my viewpoint and work on things together. But there a lot of people here who advocate the 180, and that's worked for them too.


----------



## Fight4IT (Aug 9, 2012)

Wow if have been recently thinking about this exact topic. How i miss the way things were when were dating. 

Things as simple as always holding hands when we were near each other.

Being able to talk on the phone for hours about nothing.

Biting my ears or licking my neck...would give me chills everytime.

Playful sexy stuff. Got pulled over once cause we were messing around while i was driving and didnt notice the speed limit change. probably one of the most exciting things

Kissing everytime we saw one another.

Initiating sex...now its just me and feels one sided most of the time.

Man I so wish we could get back to those times...even close to it would be great.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I do WAY more for my husband now (sexually anyway) than I did while dating & early marriage.... we got it ALL backwards. 

The only thing we don't do NOW that we did back then was write love letters to each other... I saved them all, he is not much of a writer, so I'll never see one of those again.

We still hold hands, chummy up close in the vehicle, singing songs, give each other those eyes, we still take country walks, have long talks about anything & everything, still each others best friends, inseparable...we haven't changed much at all accually... except raising the variety & temperature in the bedroom at my leading in mid life. If we was this way back then, Oh what a joy it would have been, we likely wouldn't have got any work done though, the house falling down around us. He could have kept up anyway! 



> *Stonewall said*: accuse me of screwing or attempting to screw every woman I know or have ever met.


 Sorry to hear that Stonewall, I would venture it was because you were so darn cute.... that long hair...oh my! 

Sounds like you had a really rough beginning, WOW, you stuck it out beautifully....well, I say... WHAT A MAN !


----------



## corey (Aug 23, 2012)

I am at a loss. I've only been married 3 months. We were best friends for 5 years, dated for a year and a half. When we were dating the passion was out of this world. It was literally that moment we were married, the night of our honeymoon... passionless. Its been that way ever since. I've tried everything. I am giving up. Passion no longer exists on her side. As pitiful as this sounds, I've cried myself to sleep dreaming about how we used to be.

Some men have trouble with fantasizing about other women, I just have trouble with imagining who my wife used to be.


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

before she was not into spontaneous sex

before she was more reserved

before she thought i had faults

now she likes spontaneous sex

now she is open as can be

now she thinks i am super man.


I really feel bad for people who have it backwards. Marriage should make things better! 

legs should stay open in marriage you should love each other all the time. If you are not happy id seriously consider counseling or divorce. I feel so bad for people who feel stuck and settle you DONT HAVE TO, life is short do not live unhappy.


----------



## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

What she used to do that doesn't happen anymore:

Help clean up the kitchen after I cooked.
Help clean the house if company was coming.
Help with yard work.
Watch sports with me. (now she just complains when I watch them)
Discuss things in life other than work.
Come home just to spend time together.
Be excited when family came to visit.
Clean out her cats litter box.
Put clothes away (wait, nope, she never did that).

I could go on.


----------

